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diff --git a/old/8trsa10h.htm b/old/8trsa10h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..82ac6e2 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/8trsa10h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,20015 @@ +<!DOCTYPE HTML PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD HTML 4.0 Transitional//EN"> +<html lang="en"> +<head> +<title>The Life of St. Teresa of Jesus</title> +<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=ISO-8859-1"> +</head> +<body> + + +<pre> + +Project Gutenberg's The Life of St. Teresa of Jesus, by Teresa of Avila + +Copyright laws are changing all over the world. Be sure to check the +copyright laws for your country before downloading or redistributing +this or any other Project Gutenberg eBook. + +This header should be the first thing seen when viewing this Project +Gutenberg file. Please do not remove it. Do not change or edit the +header without written permission. + +Please read the "legal small print," and other information about the +eBook and Project Gutenberg at the bottom of this file. Included is +important information about your specific rights and restrictions in +how the file may be used. You can also find out about how to make a +donation to Project Gutenberg, and how to get involved. + + +**Welcome To The World of Free Plain Vanilla Electronic Texts** + +**eBooks Readable By Both Humans and By Computers, Since 1971** + +*****These eBooks Were Prepared By Thousands of Volunteers!***** + + +Title: The Life of St. Teresa of Jesus + +Author: Teresa of Avila + +Release Date: May, 2005 [EBook #8120] +[Yes, we are more than one year ahead of schedule] +[This file was first posted on June 16, 2003] + +Edition: 10 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE LIFE OF ST. TERESA OF JESUS *** + + + + +Produced by Elizabeth T. Knuth + + + + + +</pre> + + +<p><small>Transcriber's Note: Corrections suggested in the +Corrigenda, p. [viii] of the original text, have been made. +Section number added for L 3.9, since both the translator's +preface and the index refer to it. Footnotes gathered at the ends +of chapters. Typographical errors in two Scriptural quotations +have been corrected: In L 21 note 10, I have changed "Quæ +præparavit Deus iis qui" to "Quæ præparavit Deus his +qui;" and in L 29 note 12, I have changed "As the +longing of the heart" to "As the longing of +the hart."</small></p> +<p><big><a name="halftp">The Life</a></big><br> +<small>of</small><br> +<big><big>St. Teresa of Jesus</big></big></p> +<p><a name="halftpve">Re-imprimatur.</a><br> ++ Franciscus<br> +Archiepiscopus Westmonast.</p> +<p>Die 27 Sept., 1904.</p> +<h1><a name="tp">The Life</a><br> +<small><small>of</small></small><br> +St. Teresa of Jesus,<br> +<small>of the Order of Our Lady of Carmel.</small></h1> +<p>Written by Herself.</p> +<p>Translated from the Spanish by<br> +<big>David Lewis.</big></p> +<p><strong>Third Edition Enlarged.</strong></p> +<p>With additional Notes and an Introduction by<br> +Rev. Fr. Benedict Zimmerman, O.C.D.</p> +<table summary="Places of publication, and publishers." +cellpadding="10"> +<tr><td><p> <br> + London: <br> + Thomas Baker </p></td> +<td><p> <br> + New York: <br> + Benziger Bros. </p></td></tr> +</table> +<p>MCMIV.</p> +<h2><a name="contents">Contents.</a></h2> +<p><abbr title="chapter">Chap.</abbr></p> +<p><a href="#intro">Introduction to the Third Edition</a>, by +<abbr title="Reverend">Rev.</abbr> <abbr +title="Benedict">B.</abbr> Zimmerman</p> +<p><a href="#argument"><abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Teresa's +Arguments of the Chapters</a></p> +<p><a href="#preface">Preface</a> by David Lewis</p> +<p><a href="#annals">Annals of the Saint's Life</a></p> +<p><a href="#prologue">Prologue</a></p> +<p><a href="#l1.0">I</a>. Childhood and early Impressions--The +Blessing of pious Parents--Desire of Martyrdom--Death of the Saint's +Mother</p> +<p><a href="#l2.0">II</a>. Early Impressions--Dangerous Books and +Companions--The Saint is placed in a Monastery</p> +<p><a href="#l3.0">III</a>. The Blessing of being with good +people--How certain Illusions were removed</p> +<p><a href="#l4.0">IV</a>. Our Lord helps her to become a +Nun--Her many Infirmities</p> +<p><a href="#l5.0">V</a>. Illness and Patience of the Saint--The +Story of a Priest whom she rescued from a Life of Sin</p> +<p><a href="#l6.0">VI</a>. The great Debt she owed to our Lord +for His Mercy to her--She takes <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Joseph +for her Patron</p> +<p><a href="#l7.0">VII</a>. Lukewarmness--The Loss of +Grace--Inconvenience of Laxity in Religious Houses</p> +<p><a href="#l8.0">VIII</a>. The Saint ceases not to pray--Prayer +the way to recover what is lost--All exhorted to pray--The great +Advantage of Prayer, even to those who may have ceased from it</p> +<p><a href="#l9.0">IX</a>. The means whereby our Lord quickened +her Soul, gave her Light in her Darkness, and made her strong +in Goodness</p> +<p><a href="#l10.0">X</a>. The Graces she received in +Prayer--What we can do ourselves--The great Importance of +understanding what our Lord is doing for us--She desires her +Confessors to keep her Writings secret, because of the special Graces +of our Lord to her, which they had commanded her to describe</p> +<p><a href="#l11.0">XI</a>. Why men do not attain quickly to the +perfect Love of God--Of Four Degrees of Prayer--Of the First +Degree--The Doctrine profitable for Beginners, and for those who have +no sensible Sweetness</p> +<p><a href="#l12.0">XII</a>. What we can ourselves do--The Evil +of desiring to attain to supernatural States before our Lord +calls us</p> +<p><a href="#l13.0">XIII</a>. Of certain Temptations of +Satan--Instructions relating thereto</p> +<p><a href="#l14.0">XIV</a>. The Second State of Prayer--Its +supernatural Character</p> +<p><a href="#l15.0">XV</a>. Instructions for those who have +attained to the Prayer of Quiet--Many advance so far, but few +go farther</p> +<p><a href="#l16.0">XVI</a>. The Third State of Prayer--Deep +Matters--What the Soul can do that has reached it--Effects of the +great Graces of our Lord</p> +<p><a href="#l17.0">XVII</a>. The Third State of Prayer--The +Effects thereof--The Hindrance caused by the Imagination and +the Memory</p> +<p><a href="#l18.0">XVIII</a>. The Fourth State of Prayer--The +great Dignity of the Soul raised to it by our Lord--Attainable on +Earth, not by our Merit, but by the Goodness of our Lord</p> +<p><a href="#l19.0">XIX</a>. The Effects of this Fourth State of +Prayer--Earnest Exhortations to those who have attained to it not to +go back nor to cease from Prayer, even if they fall--The great +Calamity of going back</p> +<p><a href="#l20.0">XX</a>. The Difference between Union and +Rapture--What Rapture is--The Blessing it is to the Soul--The Effects +of it</p> +<p><a href="#l21.0">XXI</a>. Conclusion of the Subject--Pain of +the Awakening--Light against Delusions</p> +<p><a href="#l22.0">XXII</a>. The Security of Contemplatives lies +in their not ascending to high Things if our Lord does not raise +them--The Sacred Humanity must be the Road to the highest +Contemplation--A Delusion in which the Saint was once entangled</p> +<p><a href="#l23.0">XXIII</a>. The Saint resumes the History of +her Life--Aiming at Perfection--Means whereby it may be +gained--Instructions for Confessors</p> +<p><a href="#l24.0">XXIV</a>. Progress under Obedience--Her +Inability to resist the Graces of God--God multiplies His Graces</p> +<p><a href="#l25.0">XXV</a>. Divine Locutions--Delusions on +that Subject</p> +<p><a href="#l26.0">XXVI</a>. How the Fears of the Saint +vanished--How she was assured that her Prayer was the Work of the +Holy Spirit</p> +<p><a href="#l27.0">XXVII</a>. The Saint prays to be directed in +a different way--Intellectual Visions</p> +<p><a href="#l28.0">XXVIII</a>. Visions of the Sacred Humanity +and of the glorified Bodies--Imaginary Visions--Great Fruits thereof +when they come from God</p> +<p><a href="#l29.0">XXIX</a>. Of Visions--The Graces our Lord +bestowed on the Saint--The Answers our Lord gave her for those who +tried her</p> +<p><a href="#l30.0">XXX</a>. <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Peter +of Alcantara comforts the Saint--Great Temptations and +Interior Trials</p> +<p><a href="#l31.0">XXXI</a>. Of certain outward Temptations and +Appearances of Satan--Of the Sufferings thereby occasioned--Counsels +for those who go on unto Perfection</p> +<p><a href="#l32.0">XXXII</a>. Our Lord shows <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Teresa the Place which she had by her Sins +deserved in Hell--The Torments there--How the Monastery of <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Joseph was founded</p> +<p><a href="#l33.0">XXXIII</a>. The Foundation of the Monastery +hindered--Our Lord consoles the Saint</p> +<p><a href="#l34.0">XXXIV</a>. The Saint leaves her Monastery of +the Incarnation for a time, at the command of her superior--Consoles +an afflicted Widow</p> +<p><a href="#l35.0">XXXV</a>. The Foundation of the House of +<abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Joseph--Observance of holy Poverty +therein--How the Saint left Toledo</p> +<p><a href="#l36.0">XXXVI</a>. The Foundation of the Monastery of +<abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Joseph--Persecution and +Temptations--Great interior Trial of the Saint, and +her Deliverance</p> +<p><a href="#l37.0">XXXVII</a>. The Effects of the divine Graces +in the Soul--The inestimable Greatness of one Degree of Glory</p> +<p><a href="#l38.0">XXXVIII</a>. Certain heavenly Secrets, +Visions, and Revelations--The Effects of them in her Soul</p> +<p><a href="#l39.0">XXXIX</a>. Other Graces bestowed on the Saint--The +Promises of our Lord to her--Divine Locutions and Visions</p> +<p><a href="#l40.0">XL</a>. Visions, Revelations, +and Locutions</p> +<p><big>The Relations.</big></p> +<p>Relation.</p> +<p><a href="#r1.0">I</a>. Sent to <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Peter of Alcantara in 1560 from the Monastery +of the Incarnation, Avila</p> +<p><a href="#r2.0">II</a>. To one of her Confessors, from the +House of Doña Luisa de la Cerda, in 1562</p> +<p><a href="#r3.0">III</a>. Of various Graces granted to the +Saint from the year 1568 to 1571, inclusive</p> +<p><a href="#r4.0">IV</a>. Of the Graces the Saint received in +Salamanca at the end of Lent, 1571</p> +<p><a href="#r5.0">V</a>. Observations on certain Points +of Spirituality</p> +<p><a href="#r6.0">VI</a>. The Vow of Obedience to Father Gratian +which the Saint made in 1575</p> +<p><a href="#r7.0">VII</a>. Made for Rodrigo Alvarez, S.J., in +the year 1575, according to Don Vicente de la Fuente; but in 1576, +according to the Bollandists and <abbr +title="Father">F.</abbr> Bouix</p> +<p><a href="#r8.0">VIII</a>. Addressed to <abbr +title="Father">F.</abbr> Rodrigo Alvarez</p> +<p><a href="#r9.0">IX</a>. Of certain spiritual Graces she +received in Toledo and Avila in the years 1576 and 1577</p> +<p><a href="#r10.0">X</a>. Of a Revelation to the Saint at Avila, +1579, and of Directions concerning the Government of the Order</p> +<p><a href="#r11.0">XI</a>. Written from Palencia in May, 1581, +and addressed to Don Alonzo Velasquez, Bishop of Osma, who had been +when Canon of Toledo, one of the Saint's Confessors</p> +<h2><a name="intro">Introduction to the Present Edition.</a></h2> +<p>When the publisher entrusted me with the task of editing this +volume, one sheet was already printed and a considerable portion of +the book was in type. Under his agreement with the owners of the +copyright, he was bound to reproduce the text and notes, etc., +originally prepared by Mr. David Lewis without any change, so that my +duty was confined to reading the proofs and verifying the quotations. +This translation of the <cite>Life</cite> of <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Teresa is so excellent, that it could hardly +be improved. While faithfully adhering to her wording, the translator +has been successful in rendering the lofty teaching in simple and +clear language, an achievement all the more remarkable as in addition +to the difficulty arising from the transcendental nature of the +subject matter, the involved style, and the total absence of +punctuation tend to perplex the reader. Now and then there might be +some difference of opinion as to how <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> +Teresa's phrases should be construed, but it is not too much to say +that on the whole Mr. Lewis has been more successful than any other +translator, whether English or foreign. Only in one case have I found +it necessary to make some slight alteration in the text, and I trust +the owners of the copyright will forgive me for doing so. In <a +href="#l25.4">Chapter XXV., § 4</a>, <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Teresa, speaking of the difference between +the Divine and the imaginary locutions, says that a person commending +a matter to God with great earnestness, may think that he hears +whether his prayer will be granted or not: <i lang="es">y es muy +posible</i>, "and this is quite possible," but he who has ever +heard a Divine locution will see at once that this assurance is +something quite different. Mr. Lewis, following the old Spanish +editions, translated "And it is most <em>impossible</em>," +whereas both the autograph and the context +demand the wording I have ventured to substitute.</p> +<p>When Mr. Lewis undertook the translation of <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Teresa's works, he had before him Don Vicente +de la Fuente's edition (Madrid, 1861-1862), supposed to be a faithful +transcript of the original. In 1873 the <span lang="es">Sociedad +Foto-Tipografica-Catolica</span> of Madrid published a photographic +reproduction of the Saint's autograph in 412 pages in folio, which +establishes the true text once for all. Don Vicente prepared a +transcript of this, in which he wisely adopted the modern way of +spelling but otherwise preserved the original text, or at least +pretended to do so, for a minute comparison between autograph and +transcript reveals the startling fact that nearly a thousand +inaccuracies have been allowed to creep in. Most of these variants +are immaterial, but there are some which ought not to have been +overlooked. Thus, in <a href="#l18.20">Chapter XVIII. § 20</a>, <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Teresa's words are: <i lang="es">Un gran +letrado de la orden del glorioso santo Domingo</i>, while Don Vicente +retains the old reading <i lang="es">De la orden del glorioso +patriarca santo Domingo</i>. Mr. Lewis possessed a copy of this +photographic reproduction, but utilised it only in one instance +in his second edition. [<a href="#intnote1">1</a>]</p> +<p>The publication of the autograph has settled a point of some +importance. The Bollandists (n. 1520), discussing the question +whether the <a href="#argument">headings of the chapters (appended +to this Introduction)</a> are by <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Teresa +or a later addition, come to the conclusion (against the authors of +the <cite lang="es">Reforma de los Descalços</cite>) that they are +clearly an interpolation (<i lang="la">clarissime patet</i>) on +account of the praise of the doctrine contained in these arguments. +Notwithstanding their high authority the Bollandists are in this +respect perfectly wrong, the arguments are entirely in <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Teresa's own hand and are exclusively her own +work. The <cite>Book of Foundations</cite> and the <cite>Way of +Perfection</cite> contain similar arguments in the Saint's +handwriting. Nor need any surprise be felt at the alleged praise of +her doctrine for by saying: this chapter is most noteworthy +(<abbr title="chapter">Chap.</abbr> XIV.), or: this is good doctrine +(<abbr title="chapter">Chap.</abbr> XXI.), etc., she takes no credit +for herself because she never grows tired of repeating that she only +delivers the message she has received from our +Lord. [<a href="#intnote2">2</a>] The Bollandists, not having seen the +original, may be excused, but P. Bouix (whom Mr. Lewis follows in this +matter) had no right to suppress these arguments. It is to be hoped +that future editions of the works of <abbr +title="Saint">S.</abbr> Teresa will not again deprive the reader of +this remarkable feature of her writings. What she herself thought of +her books is best told by Yepes in a letter to Father Luis de Leon, +the first editor of her works: "She was pleased when her writings +were being praised and her Order and the convents were held in esteem. +Speaking one day of the <cite>Way of Perfection</cite>, she rejoiced +to hear it praised, and said to me with great content: Some grave men +tell me that it is like Holy Scripture. For being revealed doctrine +it seemed to her that praising her book was like +praising God." [<a href="#intnote3">3</a>]</p> +<p>A notable feature in Mr. Lewis's translation is his division of the +chapters into short paragraphs. But it appears that he rearranged the +division during the process of printing, with the result that a large +number of references were wrong. No labour has been spared in the +correction of these, and I trust that the present edition will be the +more useful for it. In quoting the <cite>Way of Perfection</cite> and +the <cite>Interior Castle</cite> (which he calls <cite>Inner +Fortress</cite>!) Mr. Lewis refers to similar paragraphs which, +however, are to be found in no English edition. A new translation of +these two works is greatly needed, and, in the case of the <cite>Way +of Perfection</cite>, the manuscript of the Escurial should be +consulted as well as that of Valladolid. Where the writings of <abbr +title="Saint">S.</abbr> John of the Cross are quoted by volume and +page, the edition referred to is the one of 1864, another of +Mr. Lewis's masterpieces. The chapters in Ribera's Life of <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Teresa refer to the edition in the Acts of +the Saint by the Bollandists. These and all other quotations have +been carefully verified, with the exception of those taken from the +works on Mystical theology by Antonius a Spiritu Sancto and Franciscus +a S. Thoma, which I was unable to consult. I should have wished to +replace the quotations from antiquated editions of the Letters of our +Saint by references to the new French edition by P. Grégoire de <abbr +title="Saint">S.</abbr> Joseph (Paris, Poussielgue, 1900), which may +be considered as the standard edition.</p> +<p>In <a href="#l11note2">note 2 to <abbr +title="chapter">Chap.</abbr> XI.</a> Mr. Lewis draws attention to a +passage in a sermon by <abbr title="Saint">S.</abbr> Bernard +containing an allusion to different ways of watering a garden similar +to <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Teresa's well-known comparison. Mr. +Lewis's quotation is incorrect, and I am not certain what sermon he +may have had in view. Something to the point may be found in sermon 22 +on the Canticle (Migne, <abbr lang="la" title="Patrologia Latina">P. +L.</abbr> Vol. CLXXXIII, p. 879), and in the first sermon on the +Nativity of our Lord (ibid., p. 115), and also in a sermon on the +Canticle by one of <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Bernard's disciples +(Vol. CLXXXIV., p. 195). I am indebted to the Very <abbr +title="Reverend">Rev.</abbr> Prior Vincent McNabb, O.P., for the +verification of a <a href="#l20note28">quotation from <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Vincent Ferrer</a> +(<a href="#l20.31"><abbr title="chapter">Chap.</abbr> XX. § 31</a>).</p> +<p>Since the publication of Mr. Lewis's translation the uncertainty +about the date of <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Teresa's profession +has been cleared up. Yepes, the Bollandists, P. Bouix, Don Vicente de +la Fuente, Mr. Lewis, and numerous other writers assume that she +entered the convent of the Incarnation [<a href="#intnote4">4</a>] on +November 2nd, 1533, and made her profession on November 3rd, 1534. The +remaining dates of events previous to her conversion are based upon +this, as will he seen from the chronology printed by Mr. Lewis at the +end of his Preface and frequently referred to in the footnotes. It +rests, however, on inadequate evidence, namely on a single passage in +the Life [<a href="#intnote5">5</a>] where the Saint says that she was +not yet twenty years old when she made her first supernatural +experience in prayer. She was twenty in March, 1535, and as this +event took place after her profession, the latter was supposed by +Yepes and his followers to have taken place in the previous November. +Even if we had no further evidence, the fact that <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Teresa is not always reliable in her +calculation should have warned us not to rely too much upon a somewhat +casual statement. In the <a href="#l1.7">first chapter, § 7</a>, she +positively asserts that she was rather less than twelve years old at +the death of her mother, whereas we know that she was at least +thirteen years and eight months old. As to the profession we have +overwhelming evidence that it took place on the 3rd of November, 1536, +and her entrance in the convent a year and a day earlier. To begin +with, we have the positive statement of her most intimate friends, +Julian d'Avila, Father Ribera, S.J., and Father Jerome Gratian. +Likewise doña Maria Pinel, nun of the Incarnation, says in her +deposition: "She (Teresa of Jesus) took the habit on 2 November, +1535." [<a href="#intnote6">6</a>] This is corroborated by +various passages in the Saint's writings. Thus, in <a +href="#r7.1">Relation VII.</a>, written in 1575, she says, speaking of +herself: "This nun took the habit forty years ago." Again in +a passage of the <cite>Life</cite> written about the end of 1564 or +the beginning of the following year, [<a href="#intnote7">7</a>] she +mentions that she has been a nun for over twenty-eight years, which +points to her profession in 1536. But there are two documents which +place the date of profession beyond dispute, namely the act of +renunciation of her right to the paternal inheritance and the deed of +dowry drawn up before a public notary. Both bear the date 31 October, +1536. The authors of the <cite lang="es">Reforma de los +Descalços</cite> thought that they must have been drawn up before +<abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Teresa took the habit, and therefore +placed this event in 1536 and the profession in 1537, but neither of +these documents is necessarily connected with the clothing, yet both +must have been completed before profession. The Constitutions of +Blessed John Soreth, drawn up in 1462, which were observed at the +convent of the Incarnation, contain the following rule with regard to +the reception and training of novices: [<a href="#intnote8">8</a>] <i +lang="la">Consulimus quod recipiendus ante susceptionem habitus +expediat se de omnibus quae habet in saeculo nisi ex causa rationabili +per priorem generalem vel provincialem fuerit aliter ordinatum</i>. +There was, indeed, good reason in the case of <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Teresa to postpone these legal matters. Her +father was much opposed to her becoming a nun, but considering his +piety it might have been expected that before the end of the year of +probation he would grant his consent (which in the event he did the +very day she took the habit), and make arrangements for the dowry. +One little detail concerning her haste in entering the convent has +been preserved by the <cite lang="es">Reforma</cite> and the +Bollandists, [<a href="#intnote9">9</a>] though neither seem to have +understood its meaning. On leaving the convent of the Incarnation for +<abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Joseph's in 1563, <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Teresa handed the prioress of the former +convent a receipt for her bedding, habit and discipline. This almost +ludicrous scrupulosity was in conformity with a decision of the +general chapter of 1342 which said: <i lang="la">Ingrediens ordinem ad +sui ipsius instantiam habeat lectisternia pro se ipso, sin autem +recipiens solvat lectum illum</i>. As <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Teresa entered the convent without the +knowledge of her father she did not bring this insignificant trousseau +with her; accordingly the prioress became responsible for it and +obtained a receipt when <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Teresa went to +the new convent. The dowry granted by Alphonso Sanchez de Cepeda to +his daughter consisted of twenty-five measures, partly wheat, partly +barley, or, in lieu thereof, two hundred ducats per annum. Few among +the numerous nuns of the Incarnation could have brought a better or +even an equal dowry.</p> +<p>The date of <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Teresa's profession +being thus fixed on the 3rd of November, 1536, some other dates of the +chronology must be revised. Her visit to Castellanos de la Cañada +must have taken place in the early part of 1537. But already before +this time the Saint had an experience which should have proved a +warning to her, and the neglect of which she never ceased to deplore, +namely the vision of our Lord; [<a href="#intnote10">10</a>] her own +words are that this event took place "at the very beginning of her +acquaintance with the person" who exercised so dangerous an +influence upon her. Mr. Lewis assigns to it the date 1542, which is +impossible seeing that instead of twenty-six it was only twenty-two +years before she wrote that passage of her life. Moreover, it would +have fallen into the midst of her lukewarmness (according to Mr. +Lewis's chronology) instead of the very beginning. P. Bouix rightly +assigns it to the year 1537, but as he is two years in advance of our +chronology it does not agree with the surrounding circumstances as +described by him. Bearing in mind the hint <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Teresa gives [<a href="#intnote11">11</a>] as +to her disposition immediately after her profession, we need not be +surprised if the first roots of her lukewarmness show themselves +so soon.</p> +<p>From Castellanos she proceeded to Hortigosa on a visit to her +uncle. While there she became acquainted with the book called <cite +lang="es">Tercer Abecedario</cite>. Don Vicente remarks that the +earliest edition known to him was printed in 1537, which tells +strongly against the chronology of the Bollandists, P. Bouix, and +others. Again, speaking of her cure at Bezadas she gives a valuable +hint by saying that she remained blind to certain dangers for more +than seventeen years until the Jesuit fathers finally undeceived her. +As these came to Avila in 1555 the seventeen years lead us back to +1538, which precisely coincides with her sojourn at Bezadas. She +remained there until <i lang="es">Pascua florida</i> of the following +year. P. Bouix and others understand by this term Palm Sunday, but +Don Vicente shows good reason that Easter Sunday is meant, which in +1539 was April the 6th. She then returned to Avila, more dead than +alive, and remained seriously ill for nearly three years, until she +was cured through the miraculous intervention of <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Joseph about the beginning of 1542. Now +began the period of lukewarmness which was temporally interrupted by +the illness and death of her father, in 1544 or 1545, and came to an +end about 1555. Don Vicente, <a href="#l7note18">followed +by Mr. Lewis</a>, draws attention to what he believes to be a +"proof of great laxity of the convent," that <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Teresa should have been urged by one of her +confessors to communicate as often as once a fortnight. It should be +understood that frequent communion such as we now see it practised was +wholly unknown in her time. The Constitutions of the Order specified +twelve days on which all those that were not priests should +communicate, adding: <i lang="la">Verumtamen fratres professi prout +Deus eis devotionem contulerit diebus dominicis et festis +duplicibus</i> (<i>i.e.</i>, on feasts of our Lady, the Apostles, +etc.), <i lang="la">communicare poterunt si qui velint</i>. Thus, +communicating about once a month <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Teresa +acted as ordinary good Religious were wont to do, and by approaching +the sacrament more frequently she placed herself among the more +fervent nuns. [<a href="#intnote12">12</a>]</p> +<p><abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Teresa wrote quite a number of +different accounts of her life. The first, addressed to Father Juan +de Padranos, S.J. [<a href="#intnote13">13</a>] and dated 1557, is now +lost. The second, written for <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Peter of +Alcantara, is Relation I. at the end of this volume; a copy of it, +together with a continuation (Relation II.) was sent to Father Pedro +Ibañez in 1562. It is somewhat difficult to admit that in the very +same year she wrote another, more extensive, account to the same +priest, which is generally called the "first" Life. At the +end of the <cite>Life</cite> such as we have it now, <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Teresa wrote: "This book was finished in +June, 1562," and Father Bañez wrote underneath: "This date +refers to the first account which the Holy Mother Teresa of Jesus +wrote of her life; it was not then divided into chapters. Afterwards +she made this copy and inserted in it many things which had taken +place subsequent to this date, such as the foundation of the monastery +of <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Joseph of Avila." Elsewhere +Father Bañez says: [<a href="#intnote14">14</a>] "Of one of her +books, namely, the one in which she recorded her life and the manner +of prayer whereby God had led her, I can say that she composed it to +the end that her confessors might know her the better and instruct +her, and also that it might encourage and animate those who learn from +it the great mercy God had shown her, a great sinner as she humbly +acknowledged herself to be. This book was already written when I made +her acquaintance, her previous confessors having given her permission +to that effect. Among these was a licentiate of the Dominican Order, +the Reverend Father Pedro Ibañez, reader of Divinity at Avila. She +afterwards completed and recast this book." These two passages of +Bañez have led the biographers of the Saint to think that she wrote +her <cite>Life</cite> twice, first in 1561 and the following year, +completing it in the house of Doña Luisa de la Cerda at Toledo, in the +month of June; and secondly between 1563 and 1565 at <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Joseph's Convent of Avila. They have been at +pains to point out a number of places which could not have been in the +"first" Life, but must have been added in the +second [<a href="#intnote15">15</a>]; and they took it for granted +that the letter with which the book as we now have it concludes, was +addressed to Father Ibañez in 1562, when the Saint sent him the +"first" Life. It bears neither address nor date, but from its +contents I am bound to conclude that it was written in 1565, that it +refers to the "second" Life, and that whomsoever it was +addressed to, it cannot have been to Father Ibañez, who was already +dead at the time. [<a href="#intnote16">16</a>] Saint Teresa asks the +writer to send a copy of the book to Father Juan de Avila. Now we +know from her letters that as late as 1568 this request had not been +complied with, and that <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Teresa had to +write twice to Doña Luisa for this +purpose; [<a href="#intnote17">17</a>] but if she had already given +these instructions in 1562, it is altogether incomprehensible that she +did not see to it earlier, especially when the "first" Life +was returned to her for the purpose of copying and completing it. The +second reason which prevents me from considering this letter as +connected with the "first" Life will be examined when I come +to speak of the different ends the Saint had in view when writing her +Life. It is more difficult to say to whom the letter was really +addressed. The <cite lang="es">Reforma</cite> suggests Father Garcia +de Toledo, Dominican, who bade the Saint write the history of the +foundation of <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Joseph's at +Avila [<a href="#intnote18">18</a>] and who was her confessor at that +convent. It moreover believes that he it is to whom <a +href="#l34.8">Chapter XXXIV. §§ 8-20</a> refers, and this opinion +appears to me plausible. As to the latter point, Yepes thinks the +Dominican at Toledo was Father Vicente Barron, the Bollandists offer +no opinion, and Mr. Lewis, in his first edition gives first the one +and then the other. If, as I think, Father Garcia was meant, the +passage in <a href="#l16.10">Chapter XVI. § 10</a>, beginning "O, +my son," would concern him also, as well as several passages where +<i lang="es-es">Vuestra Merced</i>--you, my Father--is addressed. For +although the book came finally into the hands of Father Bañez, it was +first delivered into those of the addressee of the letter.</p> +<p>Whether the previous paper was a mere "Relation," or really +a first attempt at a "Life," [<a href="#intnote19">19</a>] +there can be no dispute about its purpose: <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Teresa speaks of it in the following terms: +"I had recourse to my Dominican father (Ibañez); I told him all +about my visions, my way of prayer, the great graces our Lord had +given me, as clearly as I could, and begged him to consider the matter +well, and tell me if there was anything therein at variance with the +Holy Writings, and give me his opinion on the whole +matter." [<a href="#intnote20">20</a>] The account thus rendered +had the object of enabling Father Ibañez to give her light upon the +state of her soul. But while she was drawing it up, a great change +came over her. During <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Teresa's sojourn +at Toledo she became from a pupil an experienced master in Mystical +knowledge. "When I was there a religious" (probably Father +Garcia de Toledo) "with whom I had conversed occasionally some +years ago, happened to arrive. When I was at Mass in a monastery of +his Order, I felt a longing to know the state of his +soul." [<a href="#intnote21">21</a>] Three times the Saint rose +from her seat, three times she sat down again, but at last she went to +see him in a confessional, not to ask for any light for herself, but +to give him what light she could, for she wished to induce him to +surrender himself more perfectly to God, and this she accomplished by +telling him how she had fared since their last meeting. No one who +reads this remarkable chapter can help being struck by the change that +has come over Teresa: the period of her schooling is at an end, and +she is now the great teacher of Mystical theology. Her humility does +not allow her to speak with the same degree of openness upon her +achievements as she did when making known her failings, yet she cannot +conceal the Gift of Wisdom she had received and the use she made +of it.</p> +<p><abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Teresa's development, if +extraordinary considering the degree of spirituality she reached, was +nevertheless gradual and regular. With her wonderful power of +analysis, she has given us not only a clear insight into her interior +progress, but also a sketch of the development of her understanding of +supernatural things. "It is now (<i>i.e.</i>, about the end of +1563) some five or six years, I believe, since our Lord raised me to +this state of prayer, in its fulness, and that more than once,--and I +never understood it, and never could explain it; and so I was +resolved, when I should come thus far in my story, to say very little +or nothing at all." [<a href="#intnote22">22</a>] In the +following chapter she adds: "You, my father, will be delighted +greatly to find an account of the matter in writing, and to understand +it; for it is one grace that our Lord gives grace; and it is another +grace to understand what grace and what gift it is; and it is another +and further grace to have the power to describe and explain it to +others. Though it does not seem that more than the first of these--the +giving of grace--is necessary, it is a great advantage and a great +grace to understand it." [<a href="#intnote23">23</a>] These +words contain the clue to much that otherwise would be obscure in the +life of our Saint: great graces were bestowed upon her, but at first +she neither understood them herself nor was she able to describe them. +Hence the inability of her confessors and spiritual advisers to guide +her. Her natural gifts, great though they were, did not help her +much. "Though you, my father, may think that I have a quick +understanding, it is not so; for I have found out in many ways that my +understanding can take in only, as they say, what is given it to eat. +Sometimes my confessor used to be amazed at my ignorance: and he never +explained to me--nor, indeed, did I desire to understand--how God did +this, nor how it could be. Nor did I ever +ask." [<a href="#intnote24">24</a>] At first she was simply +bewildered by the favours shown her, afterwards she could not help +knowing, despite the fears of over anxious friends, that they did come +from God, and that so far from imperilling her soul made a different +woman of her, but even then she was not able to explain to others what +she experienced in herself. But shortly before the foundation of +<abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Joseph's convent she received the last +of the three graces mentioned above, the Gift of Wisdom, and the scene +at Toledo is the first manifestation of it.</p> +<p>This explains the difference of the "Life" such as we know +it from the first version or the "Relations" preceding it. +Whatever this writing was, it still belonged to the period of her +spiritual education, whereas the volume before us is the first-fruit +of her spiritual Mastership. The new light that had come to her +induced her confessors [<a href="#intnote25">25</a>] to demand a +detailed work embodying everything she had learned from her heavenly +Teacher. [<a href="#intnote26">26</a>] The treatise on Mystical +theology contained in Chapters X. to XXI., the investigation of Divine +locutions, Visions and Revelations in the concluding portion of the +work could have had no place in any previous writing. While her +experiences before she obtained the Gift of Wisdom influenced but +three persons (one of them being her father), a great many profited by +her increased knowledge. [<a href="#intnote27">27</a>] The earlier +writings were but confidential communications to her confessors, and +if they became known to larger circles this was due to indiscretion. +But her "Life" was written from the beginning with a view to +publication. Allusions to this object may be found in various +places [<a href="#intnote28">28</a>] as well as in the letter appended +to the book, [<a href="#intnote29">29</a>] but the decisive utterances +must be sought for elsewhere, namely in the "Way of +Perfection." This work was written immediately after the +"Life," while the Saint was as yet at the convent of <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Joseph's. It was re-written later on and is +now only known in its final shape, but the first version, the original +of which is preserved at the Escurial and has been reproduced +photographically, leaves no doubt as to the intentions of <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Teresa in writing her "Life." "I +have written a few days ago a certain Relation of my Life. But since +it might happen that my confessor may not permit you (the Sisters of +<abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Joseph's) to read it, I will put here +some things concerning prayer which are conformable to what I have +said there, as well as some other things which appear to me to be +necessary." [<a href="#intnote30">30</a>] Again: "As all this +is better explained in the book which I say I have written, there is +no need for me to speak of it with so much detail. I have said there +all I know. Those of you who have been led by God to this degree of +contemplation (and I say that some have been led so far), should +procure the book because it is important for you, after I am +dead." [<a href="#intnote31">31</a>] At the end she writes: +"Since the Lord has taught you the way and has inspired me as to +what I should put in the book which I say has been written, how they +should behave who have arrived at this fountain of living water and +what the soul feels there, and how God satiates her and makes her lose +the thirst for things of this world and causes her to grow in things +pertaining to the service of God; that book, therefore, will be of +great help for those who have arrived at this state, and will give +them much light. Procure it. For Father Domingo Bañez, <span +lang="es">presentado</span> of the Order of <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Dominic who, as I say, is my confessor, and +to whom I shall give this, has it: if he judges that you should see +this, and gives it to you, he will also give you the +other." [<a href="#intnote32">32</a>] While the first and second +of these quotations may be found, somewhat weakened, in the final +version of the "Way of Perfection," the last one is entirely +omitted. Nor need this surprise us, for Father Bañez had his own ideas +about the advisability of the publication of the "Life." In +his deposition, already referred to, he says: "It was not +convenient that this book should become public during her lifetime, +but rather that it should be kept at the Holy Office (the Inquisition) +until we knew the end of this person; it was therefore quite against +my will that some copies were taken while it was in the hands of the +bishop Don Alvaro Mendoza, who, being a powerful prelate and having +received it from the said Teresa of Jesus, allowed it to be copied and +showed it to his sister, doña Maria de Mendoza; thus certain persons +taking an interest in spiritual matters and knowing already some +portions of this treatise (evidently the contents of the divulged +Relations) made further copies, one of which became the property of +the Duchess of Alba, doña Maria Enriquez, and is now, I think, in the +hands of her daughter-in-law, doña Maria de Toledo. All this was +against my wish, and I was much annoyed with the said Teresa of Jesus, +though I knew well it was not her fault but the fault of those to whom +she had confided the book, and I told her she ought to burn the +original because it would never do that the writings of women should +become public property; to which she answered she was quite aware of +it and would certainly burn it if I told her to do so; but knowing her +great humility and obedience I did not dare to have it destroyed but +handed it to the Holy Office for safe-keeping, whence it has been +withdrawn since her death and published in +print." [<a href="#intnote33">33</a>] From this it will he seen +that Bañez, who had given a most favourable opinion when the +"Life" was denounced to the Inquisition (1574), resulting in +the approbation by Cardinal de Quiroga to the great joy of <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Teresa, [<a href="#intnote34">34</a>] +returned it to the Holy Office for safety's sake. It was withdrawn by +the <abbr title="Venerable">Ven.</abbr> Mother Anne of Jesus when the +Order had decided upon the publication of the works of the Saint, but +too late to be utilised then. Father Luis de Leon, the editor, had to +content himself with the copy already alluded to.</p> +<p><abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Teresa wrote her "Life" +slowly. It was begun in spring, 1563, [<a href="#intnote35">35</a>] +and completed in May or June, 1565. She complains that she can only +work at it by stealth on account of her duties at the +distaff; [<a href="#intnote36">36</a>] but the book is written with so +much order and method, the manuscript is so free from mistakes, +corrections and erasures, that we may conclude that while spinning she +worked it out in her mind, so that the apparent delay proved most +advantageous. In this respect the "Life" is superior to the +first version of the "Way of Perfection." This latter work +was printed during her lifetime, though it appeared only after her +death. In 1586 the Definitory of the province of Discalced Carmelites +decided upon the publication of the complete works of the Saint, but +for obvious reasons deemed not only the members of her own Order but +also Dominicans and Jesuits ineligible for the post of editor. Such +of the manuscripts as could be found were therefore confided to the +Augustinian Father, Luis de Leon, professor at Salamanca, who prepared +the edition but did not live to carry it through the press. The fact +that he did not know the autograph of the "Life" accounts for +the numerous inaccuracies to be found in nearly all editions, but the +publication of the original should ensure a great improvement for +the future.</p> +<p><abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Teresa's canonisation took place +before the stringent laws of Urban VIII. came into force. +Consequently, the writings of the Saint were not then enquired into, +the Holy See contenting itself with the approbations granted by the +Spanish Inquisition, and by the congregation of the Rota in Rome. A +certain number of passages selected from various works having been +denounced by some Roman theologians as being contrary to the teaching +of <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Thomas Aquinas and other +authorities, Diego Alvarez, a Dominican, and John Rada, a Franciscan, +were commissioned to examine the matter and report on it. The twelve +censures with the answers of the two theologians and the final +judgment of the Rota seem to have remained unknown to the +Bollandists. [<a href="#intnote37">37</a>] The "heavenly +doctrine" of <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Teresa is alluded to +not only in the Bull of canonisation but even in the Collect of the +Mass of the Saint.</p> +<p>Concerning the English translations of the "Life" noticed +by Mr. Lewis it should be mentioned that the one ascribed to Abraham +Woodhead is only partly his work. Father Bede of <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Simon Stock (Walter Joseph Travers), a +Discalced Carmelite, labouring on the English Mission from 1660 till +1692, was anxious to complete the translation of <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Teresa's works into English. He had not +proceeded very far when he learnt that "others were engaged in the +same task. On enquiry he found that a new translation was +contemplated by two graduates of the University of Cambridge, converts +to the Faith, most learned and pious men, who were leading a solitary +life, spending their time and talents in the composition of +controversial and devotional works for the good of their neighbour and +the glory of God." One of these two men was Woodhead, who, +however, was an Oxford man, but the name of the other, who must have +been a Cambridge man, is not known. They undertook the translation +while Father Bede provided the funds and bore the risks of what was +then a dangerous work. As there existed already two English +translations of the "Life," the first volume to appear (1669) +contained the Book of Foundations, to which was prefixed the history +of the foundation of <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Joseph's from the +"Life." When, therefore, the new translation of the latter +appeared, in 1671, this portion of the book was +omitted. [<a href="#intnote38">38</a>] The translation was made direct +from the Spanish but "uniformly with the Italian edition."</p> +<p>Mr. Lewis, whose translation is the fifth, was born on the 12th of +November, 1814, and died on January the 23rd, 1895. The first edition +was printed in 1870, the second in 1888. It is regrettable that the +latter edition, of which the present is a reprint, omitted the +marginal notes which would have been so helpful to the reader.</p> +<p><abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Teresa's life and character having +always been a favourite study of men and women of various schools of +thought, it may be useful to notice here a few recent English and +foreign works on the subject:--</p> +<p><cite>The Life of Saint Teresa</cite>, by the author of +"Devotions before and after Holy Communion" (i.e., Miss Maria +Trench), London, 1875.</p> +<p><cite>The Life of Saint Teresa of the Order of Our Lady of Mount +Carmel</cite>. Edited with a preface by the Archbishop of Westminster +(Cardinal Manning), London, 1865. (By Miss Elizabeth Lockhart, +afterwards first abbess of the Franciscan convent, Notting Hill.) +Frequently reprinted.</p> +<p><cite>The Life and Letters of <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> +Teresa</cite>, by Henry James Coleridge, S.J. Quarterly Series. 3 +<abbr title="volumes">vols</abbr> (1881, 1887, 1888).</p> +<p>And, from another point of view:</p> +<p><cite>The Life of <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Teresa</cite>, by +Gabriela Cunninghame-Graham, 2 <abbr title="volumes">vols</abbr>, +London, 1894.</p> +<p><cite lang="fr">Histoire de Sainte Thérèse d'après les +Bollandistes</cite>. 2 vols, Nantes, 1882. Frequently reprinted. +The author is <abbr lang="fr" title="Mademoiselle">Mlle.</abbr> +Adelaide Lecornu (born 5 July, 1852, died at the Carmelite convent at +Caen, 14 December, 1901. Her name in religion was +Adelaide-Jéronyme-Zoe-Marie du Sacré-Coeur).</p> +<p>An excellent character sketch of the Saint has appeared in +the <span lang="fr">"Les Saints"</span> series (Paris, +Lecoffre, 1901):</p> +<p lang="fr"><cite>Sainte Thérèse</cite>, par Henri Joly.</p> +<p>Although the attempt at explaining the extraordinary phenomena in +the life of <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Teresa by animal Magnetism +and similar obscure theories had already been exploded by the +Bollandists, it has lately been revived by Professor Don Arturo +Perales Gutierrez of Granada, and Professor Don Fernando Segundo +Brieva Salvatierra of Madrid, who considered her a subject of +hysterical derangements. The discussion carried on for some time, not +only in Spain but also in France, Germany, and other countries, has +been ably summed up and disposed of by P. Grégoire de <abbr +title="Saint">S.</abbr> Joseph: <cite lang="fr">La +prétendue Hystérie de Sainte Thérèse</cite>. Lyons.</p> +<p>The <cite lang="fr">Bibliographie Thérèsienne</cite>, by Henry de +Curzon (Paris, 1902) is, unfortunately, too incomplete, not to say +slovenly, to be of much use.</p> +<p>Finally, it is necessary to say a word about the spelling of the +name Teresa. In Spanish and Italian it should be written without an +<i>h</i> as these languages do not admit the use of <i>Th</i>; in +English, likewise, where this combination of letters represents a +special sound, the name should be spelt with T only. But the present +fashion of thus writing it in Latin, German, French, and other +languages, which generally maintain the etymological spelling, is +intolerable: The name is Greek, and was placed on the calendar in +honour of a noble Spanish lady, <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> +Therasia, who became the wife of a Saint, Paulinus of Nola, and a +Saint herself. See <cite lang="fr">Sainte Thérèse, Lettres au R. P. +Bouix</cite>, by the Abbé Postel, Paris, 1864. The derivation of the +name from the Hebrew Thersa can no longer be defended (Father +Jerome-Gratian, in Fuente, <cite lang="es">Obras</cite>, Vol. VI., p. +369 sqq.).</p> +<p>Benedict Zimmerman,<br> +Prior O.C.D.</p> +<p><abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Luke's Priory,<br> +Wincanton, Somerset.<br> +16th July, 1904.</p> +<hr title="Notes"> +<p><small><a name="intnote1">1</a>. <a +href="#l34note5"><abbr title="chapter">Chap.</abbr> xxxiv., +note 5</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="intnote2">2</a>. <a href="#l18.11"><abbr +title="chapter">Chap.</abbr> xviii. § 11</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="intnote3">3</a>. Fuente, <cite +lang="es">Obras</cite> (1881), vol. vi. p. 133.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="intnote4">4</a>. See the licence granted by Leo X. +to the prioress and convent of the Incarnation to build another house +for the use of the said convent, and to migrate thither (Vatican +Archives, Dataria, Leo X., anno i., vol. viii., fol. 82). Also a +licence to sell or exchange certain property belonging to it (ibid., +anno iv., vol. vii., f. 274; and a charge to the Bishop of Avila +concerning a recourse of the said convent (ibid., anno vii., vol. iv., +f. 24).</small></p> +<p><small><a name="intnote5">5</a>. <a +href="#l4.9"><abbr title="chapter">Chap.</abbr> iv +§ 9</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="intnote6">6</a>. <cite lang="fr">Lettres de <abbr +title="Sainte">Ste.</abbr> Thérèse</cite>, edit. P. Grégoire de <abbr +title="Saint">S.</abbr> Joseph, vol. iii, p. 419, note 2.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="intnote7">7</a>. <a +href="#l36.10"><abbr title="chapter">Chap.</abbr> xxxvi. § +10</a>. The date of this part of the <cite>Life</cite> can be easily +ascertained from the two following chapters. In <a +href="#l37.18">xxxvii. § 18</a>, <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Teresa says that she is not yet fifty years +old, consequently the chapter must have been written before the end of +March, 1565; and in the next chapter, <a +href="#l38.15">xxxviii. § 15</a>, she speaks of the death +of Father Pedro Ibañez, which appears to have taken place on 2nd +February. This, at least, is the date under which his name appears in +the <cite lang="fr">Année Dominicaine</cite>, and the Very <abbr +title="Reverend">Rev.</abbr> Prior Vincent McNabb tells me that there +is every reason to think that it is the date of +his death.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="intnote8">8</a>. When about A.D. 1452 certain +communities of Beguines demanded affiliation to the Carmelite Order, +they were given the Constitutions of the friars without any +alterations. These Constitutions were revised in 1462, but neither +there nor in the Acts of the General Chapters, so far as these are +preserved, is there the slightest reference to convents of nuns. The +colophon of the printed edition (Venice, 1499) shows that they held +good for friars and nuns: <i lang="la">Expliciunt sacrae +constitutiones novae fratrum et sororum beatae Mariae de Monte +Carmelo</i>. They contain the customary laws forbidding the friars +under pain of excommunication, to leave the +precincts of their convents without due licence, but do not enjoin +strict enclosure, which would have been incompatible with their manner +of life and their various duties. <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> +Teresa nowhere insinuates that the Constitutions, such as they were, +were not kept at the Incarnation; her remarks in <a +href="#l7.5"><abbr title="chapter">chap.</abbr> vii.</a> are +aimed at the Constitutions themselves, which were never made for nuns, +and therefore did not provide for the needs of +their convents.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="intnote9">9</a>. <cite lang="es">Reforma</cite> lib. i., cap. +47. Bollandists. no. 366.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="intnote10">10</a>. <a +href="#l7.11"><abbr title="chapter">Chap.</abbr> vii. +§ 11</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="intnote11">11</a>. <a +href="#l5.2"><abbr title="chapter">Chap.</abbr> v. +§ 2</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="intnote12">12</a>. Constitutions of 1462. Part i., +cap. x.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="intnote13">13</a>. <a +href="#l23.17"><abbr title="chapter">Chap.</abbr> xxiii. +§ 17</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="intnote14">14</a>. Deposition for the process of +canonisation, written in 1591. Fuente, <cite lang="es">Obras</cite>, +vol. vi., p. 174.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="intnote15">15</a>. See the <a +href="#l7note3">notes to chapters vii. § 11</a>; <a +href="#l16note6">xvi. § 10</a>; <a +href="#l20note6">xx. § 6</a>; <a +href="#l24note2">xxiv. § 4</a>; <a +href="#l27note16">xxvii. § 17</a>. At the <a +href="#l31note9">end of chapter xxxi.</a> we are told on +the authority of Don Vicente that the "first" Life must have +ended at this point.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="intnote16">16</a>. Bollandists, +no. 1518.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="intnote17">17</a>. <cite lang="fr">Lettres</cite>, +edit. Grégoire. I., pp. 13 (18 May, 1568); 21 (27 May); 35 +(2 November).</small></p> +<p><small><a name="intnote18">18</a>. <cite lang="es">Reforma</cite>, +vol. i., lib. v., cap. xxxv., no. 9. Bollandists, +no. 1518.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="intnote19">19</a>. If the latter, it must have been +very much shorter than the second edition, and can scarcely have +contained more than the first nine chapters (perhaps verbatim) and an +account of the visions, locutions, etc., contained in chapters +xxiii.-xxxi., without comment.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="intnote20">20</a>. <a +href="#l33.7"><abbr title="chapter">Chap.</abbr> xxxiii. +§ 7</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="intnote21">21</a>. <a +href="#l34.8"><abbr title="chapter">Chap.</abbr> xxxiv. +§ 8</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="intnote22">22</a>. <a +href="#l16.2"><abbr title="chapter">Chap.</abbr> xvi. +§ 2</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="intnote23">23</a>. <a +href="#l17.7"><abbr title="chapter">Chap.</abbr> xvii. +§ 7</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="intnote24">24</a>. <a +href="#l28.10"><abbr title="chapter">Chap.</abbr> xxviii. +§ 10</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="intnote25">25</a>. In the Prologue to the +<cite>Book of Foundations</cite>, Father Garcia de Toledo, [note +continues, p. xviii.] her confessor at <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Joseph's Convent, is said to be responsible +for the order to rewrite the "Life"; but in the <a +href="#prologue">Preface to the "Life"</a> <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Teresa speaks of her "confessors" in +the plural. Fathers Ibañez and Bañez may be included in the number. +See also <a href="#l30.27">ch. xxx. § 27</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="intnote26">26</a>. <a +href="#l18.11"><abbr title="chapter">Chap.</abbr> xviii. +§ 11</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="intnote27">27</a>. <a +href="#l13.22"><abbr title="chapter">Chap.</abbr> xiii. § +22</a>. In <a href="#l16.12"><abbr +title="chapter">chap.</abbr> xvi. § 12</a>, the Saint says: "I +wish we five who now love one another in our Lord, had made some such +arrangement, etc." Fuente is of opinion that these five were, +besides the Saint, Father Julian de Avila, Don Francisco de Salcedo, +<abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> John of the Cross, and Don Lorenzo de +Cepeda, <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Teresa's brother: but this is +impossible at the date of this part of the "Life." It is more +probable that she meant Francisco de Salcedo, Gaspar Daza, Julian de +Avila, and Father Ibañez, the latter being still alive in the +beginning of 1564, when this chapter was written. It is more +difficult to say who the three confessors were whom <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Teresa desired to see the "Life" +(<a href="#l40.32">ch. xl. § 32</a>). If, as I think, the +book was first handed to Father Garcia de Toledo, the others may have +been Francisco de Salcedo, Baltasar Alvarez, and Gaspar +de Salazar.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="intnote28">28</a>. <a +href="#l10.11"><abbr title="chapter">Chap.</abbr> x. §§ 11 +and 12</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="intnote29">29</a>. This is the second reason why +the letter could not have been addressed to Father Ibañez +in 1562.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="intnote30">30</a>. Edited by Don Francisco Herrero +Bayona, 1883 p. 4.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="intnote31">31</a>. Ibid., <abbr +title="chapter">chap.</abbr> xli. (see Dalton's translation, <abbr +title="chapter">chap.</abbr> xxv.).</small></p> +<p><small><a name="intnote32">32</a>. Ibid., <abbr +title="chapter">chap.</abbr> lxxiii. See the difference in Dalton's +translation, <abbr title="chapter">chap.</abbr> xlii.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="intnote33">33</a>. Fuente, <cite +lang="es">Obras</cite>, vol. vi., p. 275.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="intnote34">34</a>. See the following Preface, p. +xxxvii. <cite lang="fr">Lettres</cite>, ed. Grégoire, ii., p. 65. P. +Bertholde-Ignace, <cite lang="fr">Vie de la Mère Anne de Jésus</cite>, +i., p. 472.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="intnote35">35</a>. In the Prologue to the +<cite>Book of Foundations</cite>, <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> +Teresa says that Father Garcia de Toledo ordered her to rewrite the +book the same year in which <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Joseph's +Convent was founded, <i>i.e.</i> 1562, but seeing that she only spent +a few hours there and that the principal difficulties only arose after +her return to the Incarnation, it appears more probable that Father +Garcia's command was not made until the spring of the following year, +when she went to live at <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Joseph's.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="intnote36">36</a>. <a +href="#l10.11"><abbr title="chapter">Chap.</abbr> x. +§ 11</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="intnote37">37</a>. See <cite lang="la">Historia +Generalis Fratrum Discalceatorum Ordinis B. Virginis Mariae de Monte +Carmelo Congregationis Eliae</cite>. <span lang="la">Romae</span>, +1668, vol. i., pp. 340-358 ad ann. 1604.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="intnote38">38</a>. See <cite>Carmel in +England</cite>, by <abbr title="Reverend">Rev.</abbr> Father B. +Zimmerman, p. 240 sqq.</small></p> +<hr title="Text"> +<h2><a name="argument"><abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Teresa's +Arguments of the Chapters.</a></h2> +<p>J.H.S.</p> +<p>J.H.S. Chapter I. [<a href="#argnote1">1</a>]--In which she tells +how God [<a href="#argnote2">2</a>] began to dispose this soul from +childhood for virtue, and how she was helped by having +virtuous parents.</p> +<p>Chapter II.--How she lost these virtues and how important it is to +deal from childhood with virtuous persons.</p> +<p>Chapter III.--In which she sets forth how good company was the +means of her resuming good intentions, and in what manner God began to +give her some light on the deception to which she was subjected.</p> +<p>Chapter IV.--She explains how, with the assistance of God, she +compelled herself to take the (Religious) habit, and how His Majesty +began to send her many infirmities.</p> +<p>Chapter V.--She continues to speak of the great infirmities she +suffered and the patience God gave her to bear them, and how He turned +evil into good, as is seen from something that happened at the place +where she went for a cure.</p> +<p>Chapter VI.--Of the great debt she owes God for giving her +conformity of her will (with His) in her trials, and how she turned +towards the glorious <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Joseph as her +helper and advocate, and how much she profited thereby.</p> +<p>Chapter VII.--Of the way whereby she lost the graces God had +granted her, and the wretched life she began to lead; she also speaks +of the danger arising from the want of a strict enclosure in convents +of nuns.</p> +<p>Chapter VIII.--Of the great advantage she derived from not entirely +abandoning prayer so as not to lose her soul; and what an excellent +remedy this is in order to win back what one has lost. She exhorts +everybody to practise prayer, and shows what a gain it is, even if one +should have given it up for a time, to make use of so great +a good.</p> +<p>Chapter IX.--By what means God began to rouse her soul and give +light in the midst of darkness, and to strengthen her virtues so that +she should not offend Him.</p> +<p>Chapter X.--She begins to explain the graces God gave her in +prayer, and how much we can do for ourselves, and of the importance of +understanding God's mercies towards us. She requests those to whom +this is to be sent to keep the remainder (of this book) secret, since +they have commanded her to go into so many details about the graces +God has shown her.</p> +<p>Chapter XI.--In which she sets forth how it is that we do not love +God perfectly in a short time. She begins to expound by means of a +comparison four degrees of prayer, of the first of which she treats +here; this is most profitable for beginners and for those who find no +taste in prayer.</p> +<p>Chapter XII.--Continuation of the first state. She declares how +far, with the grace of God, we can proceed by ourselves, and speaks of +the danger of seeking supernatural and extraordinary experiences +before God lifts up the soul.</p> +<p>Chapter XIII.--She continues to treat of the first degree, and +gives advice with respect to certain temptations sometimes sent by +Satan. This is most profitable.</p> +<p>Chapter XIV.--She begins to explain the second degree of prayer in +which God already gives the soul special consolations, which she shows +here to be supernatural. This is most noteworthy.</p> +<p>Chapter XV.--Continuing the same subject, she gives certain advice +how one should behave in the prayer of quiet. She shows that many +souls advance so far, but that few go beyond. The matters treated of +in this chapter are very necessary and profitable.</p> +<p>Chapter XVI.--On the third degree of prayer; she declares things of +an elevated nature; what the soul that has come so far can do, and the +effect of such great graces of God. This is calculated to greatly +animate the spirit to the praise of God, and contains advice for those +who have reached this point.</p> +<p>Chapter XVII.--Continues to declare matters concerning the third +degree of prayer and completes the explanation of its effects. She +also treats of the impediment caused by the imagination and +the memory.</p> +<p>Chapter XVIII.--She treats of the fourth degree of prayer, and +begins to explain [<a href="#argnote3">3</a>] in what high dignity God +holds a soul that has attained this state; this should animate those +who are given to prayer, to make an effort to reach so high a state +since it can be obtained in this world, though not by merit but only +through the goodness of God [<a href="#argnote4">4</a>].</p> +<p>Chapter XIX.--She continues the same subject, and begins to explain +the effects on the soul of this degree of prayer. She earnestly +exhorts not to turn back nor to give up prayer even if, after having +received this favour, one should fall. She shows the damage that +would result (from the neglect of this advice). This is most +noteworthy and consoling for the weak and for sinners.</p> +<p>Chapter XX.--She speaks of the difference between Union and Trance, +and explains what a Trance is; she also says something about the good +a soul derives from being, through God's goodness, led so far. She +speaks of the effects of Union. [<a href="#argnote5">5</a>]</p> +<p>Chapter XXI.--She continues and concludes this last degree of +prayer, and says what a soul having reached it feels when obliged to +turn back and live in the world, and speaks of the light God gives +concerning the deceits (of the world). This is good doctrine.</p> +<p>Chapter XXII.--In which she shows that the safest way for +contemplatives is not to lift up the spirit to high things but to wait +for God to lift it up. How the Sacred Humanity of Christ is the +medium for the most exalted contemplation. She mentions an error +under which she laboured for some time. This chapter is +most profitable.</p> +<p>Chapter XXIII.--She returns to the history of her life, how she +began to practise greater perfection. This is profitable for those +who have to direct souls practising prayer that they may know how to +deal with beginners, and she speaks of the profit she derived from +such knowledge.</p> +<p>Chapter XXIV.--She continues the same subject and tells how her +soul improved since she began to practise obedience, and how little +she was able to resist God's graces, and how His Majesty continued to +give them more and more abundantly.</p> +<p>Chapter XXV.--Of the manner in which Locutions of God are perceived +by the soul without being actually heard; and of some deceits that +might take place in this matter, and how one is to know which is +which. This is most profitable for those who are in this degree of +prayer, because it is very well explained, and contains +excellent doctrine.</p> +<p>Chapter XXVI.--She continues the same subject; explains and tells +things that have happened to her which caused her to lose fear and +convinced her that the spirit which spoke to her was a good one.</p> +<p>Chapter XXVII.--Of another way in which God teaches a soul, and, +without speaking, makes His Will known in an admirable manner. She +goes on to explain a vision, though not an imaginary one, and a great +grace with which God favoured her. This chapter is noteworthy.</p> +<p>Chapter XXVIII.--She treats of the great favours God showed her, +and how He appeared to her for the first time; she explains what an +imaginary vision is, and speaks of the powerful effects it leaves and +the signs whether it is from God. This chapter is most profitable +and noteworthy.</p> +<p>Chapter XXIX.--She continues and tells of some great mercies God +showed her, and what His Majesty said to her in order to assure her +(of the truth of these visions), and taught her how to +answer contradictors.</p> +<p>Chapter XXX.--She continues the history of her life, and how God +sent her a remedy for all her anxieties by calling the holy Friar +<span lang="es">Fray</span> Pedro de Alcantara of the Order of the +glorious <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Francis to the place where she +lived. She mentions some great temptations and interior trials +through which she sometimes had to pass.</p> +<p>Chapter XXXI.--She speaks of some exterior temptations and +apparitions of Satan, and how he ill-treated her. She mentions, +moreover, some very good things by way of advice to persons who are +walking on the way of perfection.</p> +<p>Chapter XXXII.--She narrates how it pleased God to put her in +spirit in that place of Hell she had deserved by her sins. She tells +a little [<a href="#argnote6">6</a>] of what she saw there compared +with what there was besides. She begins to speak of the manner and +way of founding the convent of <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Joseph +where she now lives.</p> +<p>Chapter XXXIII.--She continues the subject of the foundation of the +glorious <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Joseph. How she was commanded +to have nothing (further) to do with it, how she abandoned it, also +the troubles it brought her and how God consoled her in all this.</p> +<p>Chapter XXXIV.--She shows how at that time it happened that she +absented herself from this place and how her Superior commanded her to +go away at the request of a very noble lady who was in great +affliction. She begins to tell what happened to her there, and the +great grace God bestowed upon her in determining through her +instrumentality a person of distinction to serve Him truly; and how +that person found favour and help in her (Teresa). This +is noteworthy.</p> +<p>Chapter XXXV.--Continuation of the foundation of this house of our +glorious Father <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Joseph; in what manner +our Lord ordained that holy poverty should be observed there; the +reason why she left the lady with whom she had been staying, and some +other things that happened.</p> +<p>Chapter XXXVI.--She continues the same subject, and shows how the +foundation of this convent of the glorious <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Joseph was finally accomplished, and the +great contradictions and persecutions she had to endure after the +Religious had taken the habit, and the great trials and temptations +through which she passed, and how God led her forth victorious to His +own glory and praise.</p> +<p>Chapter XXXVII.--Of the effects which remained when God granted her +some favour; together with other very good doctrine. She shows how +one ought to strive after and prize every increase in heavenly glory, +and that for no trouble whatever one should neglect a good that is to +be perpetual.</p> +<p>Chapter XXXVIII.--She treats of some great mercies God showed her, +even making known to her heavenly secrets by means of visions and +revelations His Majesty vouchsafed to grant her; she speaks of the +effects they caused and the great improvement resulting in +her soul.</p> +<p>Chapter XXXIX.--She continues the same subject, mentioning great +graces granted her by God; how He promised to hear her requests on +behalf of persons for whom she should pray. Some remarkable instances +in which His Majesty thus favoured her.</p> +<p>Chapter XL.--Continuation of the same subject of great mercies God +has shown her. From some of these very good doctrine may be gathered, +and this, as she declares, was, besides compliance with obedience, her +principal motive (in writing this book), namely to enumerate such of +these mercies as would be instructive to souls. This chapter brings +the history of her Life, written by herself, to an end. May it be for +the glory of God. Amen.</p> +<hr title="Notes"> +<p><small><a name="argnote1">1</a>. <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> +Teresa wrote no title, either of the whole book or of the Preface, but +only the monogram J.H.S., which is repeated at the beginning of the +first chapter and at the end of the last, previous to the letter with +which the volume concludes.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="argnote2">2</a>. <span lang="es">"El +Señor"</span> is everywhere translated by "God" in +distinction to <span lang="es">"Nuestro Señor,"</span> +"Our Lord."</small></p> +<p><small><a name="argnote3">3</a>. "In an excellent manner," +scored through by the Saint herself.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="argnote4">4</a>. "To be read with great care, +as it is explained in a most delicate way, and contains many +noteworthy points," also scored through by <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Teresa herself.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="argnote5">5</a>. "This is most admirable," +scored through by the Saint.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="argnote6">6</a>. <span lang="es">"Una +cifra,"</span> a mere nothing.</small></p> +<hr title="Text"> +<h2><a name="preface">Preface by David Lewis.</a></h2> +<p><abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Teresa was born in Avila on +Wednesday, March 28, 1515. Her father was Don Alfonso Sanchez de +Cepeda, and her mother Doña Beatriz Davila y Ahumada. The name she +received in her baptism was common to both families, for her +great-grandmother on the father's side was Teresa Sanchez, and her +grandmother on her mother's side was Teresa de las Cuevas. While she +remained in the world, and even after she had become a nun in the +monastery of the Incarnation, which was under the mitigated rule, she +was known as Doña Teresa Sanchez Cepeda Davila y Ahumada; for in those +days children took the name either of the father or of the mother, as +it pleased them. The two families were noble, but that of Ahumada was +no longer in possession of its former wealth and +power. [<a href="#prenote1">1</a>] Doña Beatriz was the second wife of +Don Alfonso, and was related in the fourth degree to the first wife, +as appears from the dispensation granted to make the marriage valid on +the 16th of October, 1509. Of this marriage Teresa was the +third child.</p> +<p>Doña Beatriz died young, and the eldest daughter, Maria de Cepeda, +took charge of her younger sisters--they were two--and was as a second +mother to them till her marriage, which took place in 1531, when the +Saint was in her sixteenth year. But as she was too young to be left +in charge of her father's house, and as her education was not +finished, she was sent to the Augustinian monastery, the nuns of which +received young girls, and brought them up in the fear of +God. [<a href="#prenote2">2</a>] The Saint's own account is that she +was too giddy and careless to be trusted at home, and that it was +necessary to put her under the care of those who would watch over her +and correct her ways. She remained a year and a half with the +Augustinian nuns, and all the while God was calling her to Himself. +She was not willing to listen to His voice; she would ask the nuns to +pray for her that she might have light to see her way; "but for +all this," she writes, "I wished not to be a +nun." [<a href="#prenote3">3</a>] By degrees her will yielded, +and she had some inclination to become a religious at the end of the +eighteen months of her stay, but that was all. She became ill; her +father removed her, and the struggle within herself continued,--on the +one hand, the voice of God calling her; on the other, herself +labouring to escape from her vocation.</p> +<p>At last, after a struggle which lasted three months, she made up +her mind, and against her inclination, to give up the world. She +asked her father's leave, and was refused. She besieged him through +her friends, but to no purpose. "The utmost I could get from +him," she says, "was that I might do as I pleased after his +death." [<a href="#prenote4">4</a>] How long this contest with her +father lasted is not known, but it is probable that it lasted many +months, for the Saint was always most careful of the feelings of +others, and would certainly have endured much rather than displease a +father whom she loved so much, and who also loved her more than his +other children. [<a href="#prenote5">5</a>]</p> +<p>But she had to forsake her father, and so she left her father's +house by stealth, taking with her one of her brothers, whom she had +persuaded to give himself to God in religion. The brother and sister +set out early in the morning, the former for the monastery of the +Dominicans, and the latter for the Carmelite monastery of the +Incarnation, in Avila. The nuns received her into the house, but sent +word to her father of his child's escape. Don Alfonso, however, +yielded at once, and consented to the sacrifice which he was compelled +to make.</p> +<p>In the monastery of the Incarnation the Saint was led on, without +her own knowledge, to states of prayer so high, that she became +alarmed about herself. In the purity and simplicity of her soul, she +feared that the supernatural visitations of God might after all be +nothing else but delusions of Satan. [<a href="#prenote6">6</a>] She +was so humble, that she could not believe graces so great could be +given to a sinner like herself. The first person she consulted in her +trouble seems to have been a layman, related to her family, Don +Francisco de Salcedo. He was a married man, given to prayer, and a +diligent frequenter of the theological lectures in the monastery of +the Dominicans. Through him she obtained the help of a holy priest, +Gaspar Daza, to whom she made known the state of her soul. The +priest, hindered by his other labours, declined to be her director, +and the Saint admits that she could have made no progress under his +guidance. [<a href="#prenote7">7</a>] She now placed herself in the +hands of Don Francis, who encouraged her in every way, and, for the +purpose of helping her onwards in the way of perfection, told her of +the difficulties he himself had met with, and how by the grace of God +he had overcome them.</p> +<p>But when the Saint told him of the great graces which God +bestowed upon her, Don Francis became alarmed; he could not reconcile +them with the life the Saint was living, according to her own account. +He never thought of doubting the Saint's account, and did not suspect +her of exaggerating her imperfections in the depths of her humility: +"he thought the evil spirit might have something to do" with +her, [<a href="#prenote8">8</a>] and advised her to consider carefully +her way of prayer.</p> +<p>Don Francis now applied again to Gaspar Daza, and the two friends +consulted together; but, after much prayer on their part and on that +of the Saint, they came to the conclusion that she "was deluded by +an evil spirit," and recommended her to have recourse to the +fathers of the Society of Jesus, lately settled in Avila.</p> +<p>The Saint, now in great fear, but still hoping and trusting that +God would not suffer her to be deceived, made preparations for a +general confession; and committed to writing the whole story of her +life, and made known the state of her soul to <abbr +title="Father">F.</abbr> Juan de Padranos, one of the fathers of the +Society. <abbr title="Father">F.</abbr> Juan understood it all, and +comforted her by telling her that her way of prayer was sound and the +work of God. Under his direction she made great progress, and for the +further satisfaction of her confessor, and of Don Francis, who seems +to have still retained some of his doubts, she told everything to +<abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Francis de Borja, who on one point +changed the method of direction observed by <abbr +title="Father">F.</abbr> Juan. That father recommended her to resist +the supernatural visitations of the spirit as much as she could, but +she was not able, and the resistance pained +her; [<a href="#prenote9">9</a>] <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Francis +told her she had done enough, and that it was not right to prolong +that resistance. [<a href="#prenote10">10</a>]</p> +<p>The account of her life which she wrote before she applied to the +Jesuits for direction has not been preserved; but it is possible that +it was made more for her own security than for the purpose of being +shown to her confessor.</p> +<p>The next account is Relation I., made for <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Peter of Alcantara, and was probably seen by +many; for that Saint had to defend her, and maintain that the state of +her soul was the work of God, against those who thought that she was +deluded by Satan. Her own confessor was occasionally alarmed, and had +to consult others, and thus, by degrees, her state became known to +many; and there were some who, were so persuaded of her delusions, +that they wished her to be exorcised as one possessed of an evil +spirit, [<a href="#prenote11">11</a>] and at a later time her friends +were afraid that she might be denounced to +the Inquisitors. [<a href="#prenote12">12</a>]</p> +<p>During the troubles that arose when it became known that the Saint +was about to found the monastery of <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Joseph, and therein establish the original +rule of her Order in its primitive simplicity and austerity, she went +for counsel to the Father Fra Pedro +Ibañez, [<a href="#prenote13">13</a>] the Dominican, a most holy and +learned priest. That father not only encouraged her, and commended +her work, but also ordered her to give him in writing the story of her +spiritual life. The Saint readily obeyed, and began it in the +monastery of the Incarnation, and finished it in the house of Doña +Luisa de la Cerda, in Toledo, in the month of June, 1562. On the 24th +of August, the feast of <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Bartholomew, in +the same year, the Reform of the Carmelites began in the new monastery +of <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Joseph in Avila.</p> +<p>What the Saint wrote for Fra Ibañez has not been found. It is, no +doubt, substantially preserved in her <cite>Life</cite>, as we have it +now, and is supposed to have reached no further than the end of ch. +xxxi. What follows was added by direction of another Dominican +father, confessor of the Saint in the new monastery of <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Joseph, Fra Garcia of Toledo, who, in 1562, +bade her "write the history of that foundation, and +other matters."</p> +<p>But as the Saint carried a heavy burden laid on her by God, a +constant fear of delusion, she had recourse about the same time to the +Inquisitor Soto, who advised her to write a history of her life, send +it to Juan of Avila, the "Apostle of Andalucia," and abide by +his counsel. As the direction of Fra Garcia of Toledo and the advice +of the Inquisitor must have been given, according to her account, +about the same time, the <cite>Life</cite>, as we have it now, must +have occupied her nearly six years in the writing of it, which may +well be owing to her unceasing care in firmly establishing the new +monastery of <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Joseph. The book at last +was sent to Blessed Juan of Avila by her friend Doña Luisa de la +Cerda, and that great master of the spiritual life wrote the following +censure of it:</p> +<blockquote><p>"The grace and peace of Jesus Christ be with +you always.</p> +<p>"1. When I undertook to read the book sent me, it was not so +much because I thought myself able to judge of it, as because I +thought I might, by the grace of our Lord, learn something from the +teachings it contains: and praised be Christ; for, though I have not +been able to read it with the leisure it requires, I have been +comforted by it, and might have been edified by it, if the fault had +not been mine. And although, indeed, I may have been comforted by it, +without saying more, yet the respect due to the subject and to the +person who has sent it will not allow me, I think, to let it go back +without giving my opinion on it, at least in general.</p> +<p>"2. The book is not fit to be in the hands of everybody, for it +is necessary to correct the language in some places, and explain it in +others; and there are some things in it useful for +your spiritual life and not so for others who might adopt them, for +the special ways by which God leads some souls are not meant for +others. These points, or the greater number of them, I have marked for +the purpose of arranging them when I shall be able to do so, and I +shall not fail to send them to you; for if you were aware of my +infirmities and necessary occupations, I believe they would make you +pity me rather than blame me for the omission.</p> +<p>"3. The doctrine of prayer is for the most part sound, and you +may rely on it, and observe it; and the raptures I find to possess the +tests of those which are true. What you say of God's way of teaching +the soul, without respect to the imagination and without interior +locutions, is safe, and I find nothing to object to it. <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Augustine speaks well of it.</p> +<p>"4. Interior locutions in these days have been a delusion of +many, and exterior locutions are the least safe. It is easy enough to +see when they proceed from ourselves, but to distinguish between those +of a good and those of an evil spirit is more difficult. There are +many rules given for finding out whether they come from our Lord or +not, and one of them is, that they should be sent us in a time of +need, or for some good end, as for the comforting a man under +temptation or in doubt, or as a warning of coming danger. As a good +man will not speak unadvisedly, neither will God; so, considering +this, and that the locutions are agreeable to the holy writings and +the teaching of the Church, my opinion is that the locutions mentioned +in the book came from God.</p> +<p>"5. Imaginary or bodily visions are those which are most +doubtful, and should in no wise be desired, and if they come undesired +still they should be shunned as much as possible, yet not by treating +them with contempt, unless it be certain that they come from an evil +spirit; indeed, I was filled with horror, and greatly distressed, when +I read of the gestures of contempt that were +made. [<a href="#prenote14">14</a>] People ought to entreat our Lord +not to lead them by the way of visions, but to reserve for them in +Heaven the blessed vision of Himself and the saints, and to guide them +here along the beaten path as He guides His faithful servants, and +they must take other good measures for avoiding these visions.</p> +<p>"6. But if the visions continue after all this is done, and if +the soul derives good from them, and if they do not lead to vanity, +but deeper humility, and if the locutions be at one with the teaching +the Church, and if they continue for any time, and that with inward +satisfaction--better felt than described--there is no reason for +avoiding them. But no one ought to rely on his own judgment herein; +he should make everything known to him who can give him light. That +is the universal remedy to be had recourse to in such matters, +together with hope in God, Who will not let a soul that wishes to be +safe lie under a delusion, if it be humble enough to yield obedience +to the opinion of others.</p> +<p>"7. Nor should any one cause alarm by condemning them +forthwith, because he sees that the person to whom they are granted is +not perfect, for it is nothing new that our Lord in His goodness makes +wicked people just, yea, even grievous sinners; by giving them to +taste most deeply of His sweetness. I have seen it so myself. Who +will set bounds to the goodness of our Lord?--especially when these +graces are given, not for merit, nor because one is stronger; on the +contrary, they are given to one because he is weaker; and as they do +not make one more holy, they are not always given to the +most holy.</p> +<p>"8. They are unreasonable who disbelieve these things merely +because they are most high things, and because it seems to them +incredible that infinite Majesty humbles Himself to these loving +relations with one of His creatures. It is written, God is love, and +if He is love, then infinite love and infinite goodness, and we must +not be surprised if such a love and such a goodness breaks out into +such excesses of love as disturb those who know nothing of it. And +though many know of it by faith, still, as to that special experience +of the loving, and more than loving, converse of God with whom He +will, if not had, how deep it reaches can never be known; and so I +have seen many persons scandalized at hearing of what God in His love +does for His creatures. As they are themselves very far away from it, +they cannot think that God will do for others what He is not doing for +them. As this is an effect of love, and that a love which causes +wonder, reason requires we should look upon it as a sign of its being +from God, seeing that He is wonderful in His works, and most +especially in those of his compassion; but they take occasion from +this to be distrustful, which should have been a ground of confidence, +when other circumstances combine as evidences of these visitations +being good.</p> +<p>"9. It seems from the book, I think, that you have resisted, +and even longer than was right. I think, too, that these locutions +have done your soul good, and in particular that they have made you +see your own wretchedness and your faults more clearly, and amend +them. They have lasted long, and always with spiritual profit. They +move you to love God, and to despise yourself, and to do penance. I +see no reasons for condemning them, I incline rather to regard them as +good, provided you are careful not to rely altogether on them, +especially if they are unusual, or bid you do something out of the +way, or are not very plain. In all these and the like cases you must +withhold your belief in them, and at once seek for direction.</p> +<p>"10. Also it should be considered that, even if they do come +from God, Satan may mix with them suggestions of his own; you +should therefore be always suspicious of them. Also, +when they are known to be from God, men must not rest much on them, +seeing that holiness does not lie in them, but in a humble love of God +and our neighbour; everything else, however good, must be feared, and +our efforts directed to the gaining of humility, goodness, and the +love of our Lord. It is seemly, also, not to worship what is seen in +these visions, but only Jesus Christ, either as in Heaven or in the +Sacrament, or, if it be a vision of the Saints, then to lift up the +heart to the Holy One in Heaven, and not to that which is presented to +the imagination: let it suffice that the imagination may be made use +of for the purpose of raising me up to that which it makes me see.</p> +<p>"11. I say, too, that the things mentioned in this book befall +other persons even in this our day, and that there is great certainty +that they come from God, Whose arm is not shortened that He cannot do +now what He did in times past, and that in weak vessels, for His +own glory.</p> +<p>"12. Go on your road, but always suspecting robbers, and asking +for the right way; give thanks to our Lord, Who has given you His +love, the knowledge of yourself, and a love of penance and the cross, +making no account of these other things. However, do not despise them +either, for there are signs that most of them come from our Lord, and +those that do not come from Him will not hurt you if you ask +for direction.</p> +<p>"13. I cannot believe that I have written this in my own +strength, for I have none, but it is the effect of your prayers. I +beg of you, for the love of Jesus Christ our Lord, to burden yourself +with a prayer for me; He knows that I am asking this in great need, +and I think that is enough to make you grant my request. I ask your +permission to stop now, for I am bound to write another letter. May +Jesus be glorified in all and by all! Amen.</p> +<p>"Your servant, for Christ's sake.</p> +<p>"Juan de Avila</p> +<p>"Montilla, 12th Sept., 1568."</p></blockquote> +<p>Her confessors, having seen the book, "commanded her to make +copies of it," [<a href="#prenote15">15</a>] one of which has been +traced into the possession of the Duke and Duchess of Alva.</p> +<p>The Princess of Eboli, in 1569, obtained a copy from the Saint +herself, after much importunity; but it was more out of vanity or +curiosity, it is to be feared, than from any real desire to learn the +story of the Saint's spiritual life, that the Princess desired the +boon. She and her husband promised to keep it from the knowledge of +others, but the promise given was not kept. The Saint heard within a +few days later that the book was in the hands of the servants of the +Princess, who was angry with the Saint because she had refused to +admit, at the request of the Princess, an Augustinian nun into the +Order of Carmel in the new foundation of Pastrana. The contents of +the book were bruited abroad, and the visions and revelations of the +Saint were said to be of a like nature with those of Magdalene of the +Cross, a deluded and deluding nun. The gossip in the house of the +Princess was carried to Madrid, and the result was that the +Inquisition began to make a search for the +book. [<a href="#prenote16">16</a>] It is not quite clear, however, +that it was seized at this time.</p> +<p>The Princess became a widow in July, 1573, and insisted on becoming +a Carmelite nun in the house she and her husband, Ruy Gomez, had +founded in Pastrana. When the news of her resolve reached the +monastery, the mother-prioress, Isabel of <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Dominic, exclaimed, "The Princess a nun! +I look on the house as ruined." The Princess came, and insisted +on her right as foundress; she had compelled a friar to give her the +habit before her husband was buried, and when she came to Pastrana she +began her religious life by the most complete disobedience and +disregard of common propriety. Don Vicente's description of her is +almost literally correct, though intended only for a general +summary of her most childish conduct:</p> +<p>"On the death of the Prince of Eboli, the Princess would become +a nun in her monastery of Pastrana. The first day she had a fit of +violent fervour; on the next she relaxed the rule; on the third she +broke it, and conversed with secular people within the cloisters. She +was also so humble that she required the nuns to speak to her on their +knees, and insisted upon their receiving into the house as religious +whomsoever she pleased. Hereupon complaints were made to <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Teresa, who remonstrated with the Princess, +and showed her how much she was in the wrong, whereupon she replied +that the monastery was hers; but the Saint proved to her that the nuns +were not, and had them removed +to Segovia." [<a href="#prenote17">17</a>]</p> +<p>The nuns were withdrawn from Pastrana in April, 1574, and then the +anger of the Princess prevailed; she sent the Life of the Saint, which +she had still in her possession, to the Inquisition, and denounced it +as a book containing visions, revelations, and dangerous doctrines, +which the Inquisitors should look into and examine: The book was +forthwith given to theologians for examination, and two Dominican +friars, of whom Bañes was one, were delegated censors of it by +the Inquisition. [<a href="#prenote18">18</a>]</p> +<p>Fra Bañes did not know the Saint when he undertook her defence in +Avila against the authorities of the city, eager to destroy the +monastery of <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Joseph; [<a href="#prenote19">19</a>] but from +that time forth he was one of her most faithful friends, strict and +even severe, as became a wise director who had a great Saint for his +penitent. He testifies in the process of her beatification that he +was firm and sharp with her; while she herself was the more desirous +of his counsel, the more he humbled her, and the less he appeared to +esteem her. [<a href="#prenote20">20</a>] When he found that copies +of her life were in the hands of secular people,--he had probably also +heard of the misconduct of the Princess of Eboli,--he showed his +displeasure to the Saint, and told her he would burn the book, it +being unseemly that the writings of women should be made public. The +Saint left it in his hands, but Fra Bañes, struck with her humility, +had not the courage to burn it; he sent it to the Holy Office in +Madrid. [<a href="#prenote21">21</a>] Thus the book was in a sense +denounced twice,--once by an enemy, the second time by a friend, to +save it. Both the Saint and her confessor, Fra Bañes, state that the +copy given up by the latter was sent to the Inquisition in Madrid, and +Fra Bañes says so twice in his deposition. The Inquisitor Soto +returned the copy to Fra Bañes, desiring him to read it, and give his +opinion thereon. Fra Bañes did so, and wrote his "censure" of +the book on the blank leaves at the end. That censure still remains, +and is one of the most important, because given during the lifetime of +the Saint, and while many persons were crying out against her. Bañes +wished it had been published when the Saint's Life was given to the +world by Fra Luis de Leon; but notwithstanding its value, and its +being preserved in the book which is in the handwriting of the Saint, +no one before Don Vicente made it known. It was easy enough to praise +the writings of <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Teresa, and to admit +her sanctity, after her death. Fra Bañes had no external help in the +applause of the many, and he had to judge the book as a theologian, +and the Saint as one of his ordinary penitents. When he wrote, he +wrote like a man whose whole life was spent, as he tells us himself, +"in lecturing +and disputing." [<a href="#prenote22">22</a>]</p> +<p>That censure is as follows:</p> +<blockquote><p>"1. This book, wherein Teresa of Jesus, Carmelite +nun, and foundress of the Barefooted Carmelites, gives a plain account +of the state of her soul, in order to be taught and directed by her +confessors, has been examined by me, and with much attention, and I +have not found anywhere in it anything which, in my opinion, is +erroneous in doctrine. On the contrary, there are many things in it +highly edifying and instructive for those who give themselves to +prayer. The great experience of this religious, her discretion also +and her humility, which made her always seek for light and learning in +her confessors, enabled her to speak with an accuracy on the subject +of prayer that the most learned men, through their want of experience, +have not always attained to. One thing only there is about the book +that may reasonably cause any hesitation till it shall be very +carefully examined; it contains many visions and revelations, matters +always to be afraid of, especially in women, who are very ready to +believe of them that they come from God, and to look on them as proofs +of sanctity, though sanctity does not lie in them. On the contrary, +they should be regarded as dangerous trials for those who are aiming +at perfection, because Satan is wont to transform himself into an +angel of light, [<a href="#prenote23">23</a>] and to deceive souls +which are curious and of scant humility, as we have seen in our day: +nevertheless, we must not therefore lay down a general rule that all +revelations and visions come from the devil. If it were so, <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Paul could not have said that Satan +transforms himself into an angel of light, if the angel of light did +not sometimes enlighten us.</p> +<p>"2. Saints, both men and women, have had revelations, not only +in ancient, but also in modern times; such were <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Dominic, <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Francis, <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Vincent Ferrer, <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Catherine of Siena, <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Gertrude, and many others that might be +named; and as the Church of God is, and is to be, always holy to the +end, not only because her profession is holiness, but because there +are in her just persons and perfect in holiness, it is unreasonable to +despise visions and revelations, and condemn them in one sweep, seeing +they are ordinarily accompanied with much goodness and a Christian +life. On the contrary, we should follow the saying of the Apostle in +1 Thess. v. 19-22: <span lang="la">'Spiritum nolite extinguere. +Prophetias nolite spernere. Omnia [autem] probate: quod bonum est +tenete. Ab omni specie mala abstinete vos.'</span> He who will read +<abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Thomas on that passage will see how +carefully they are to be examined who, in the Church of God, manifest +any particular gift that may be profitable or hurtful to our +neighbour, and how watchful the examiners ought to be lest the fire of +the Spirit of God should be quenched in the good, and others cowed in +the practices of the perfect Christian life.</p> +<p>"3. Judging by the revelations made to her, this woman, even +though she may be deceived in something, is at least not herself a +deceiver, because she tells all the good and the bad so simply, and +with so great a wish to be correct, that no doubt can be made as to +her good intention; and the greater the reason for trying spirits of +this kind, because there are persons in our day who are deceivers with +the appearance of piety, the more necessary it is to defend those who, +with the appearance, have also the reality, of piety. For it is a +strange thing to see how lax and worldly people delight in seeing +those discredited who have an appearance of goodness. God complained +of old, by the Prophet Ezekiel, ch. xiii., of those false prophets who +made the just to mourn and who flattered sinners, saying: <span +lang="la">'Maerere fecistis cor justi mendaciter, quem Ego non +contristavi: et comfortastis manus impii.'</span> In a certain sense +this may be said of those who frighten souls who are going on by the +way of prayer and perfection, telling them that this way is singular +and full of danger, that many who went by it have fallen into +delusions, and that the safest way is that which is plain and common, +travelled by all.</p> +<p>"4. Words of this kind, clearly, sadden the hearts of those who +would observe the counsels of perfection in continual prayer, so far +as it is possible for them, and in much fasting, watching, and +disciplines; and, on the other hand, the lax and the wicked take +courage and lose the fear of God, because they consider the way on +which they are travelling as the safer: and this is their +delusion,--they call that a plain and safe road which is the absence +of the knowledge and consideration of the dangers and precipices +amidst which we are all of us journeying in this world. Nevertheless, +there is no other security than that which lies in our knowing our +daily enemies, and in humbly imploring the compassion of God, if we +would not be their prisoners. Besides, there are souls whom God, in a +way, constrains to enter on the way of perfection, and who, if they +relaxed in their fervour, could not keep a middle course, but would +immediately fall into the other extreme of sins, and for souls of this +kind it is of the utmost necessity that they should watch and pray +without ceasing; and, in short, there is nobody whom lukewarmness does +not injure. Let every man examine his own conscience, and he will +find this to be the truth.</p> +<p>"5. I firmly believe that if God for a time bears with the +lukewarm, it is owing to the prayers of the fervent, who are +continually crying, <span lang="la">'et ne nos inducas in +tentationem.'</span> I have said this, not for the purpose of +honouring those whom we see walking in the way of contemplation; for +it is another extreme into which the world falls, and a covert +persecution of goodness, to pronounce those holy forthwith who have +the appearance of it. For that would be to furnish them with motives +for vain-glory, and would do little honour to goodness; on the +contrary, it would expose it to great risks, because, when they fall +who have been objects of praise, the honour of goodness suffers more +than if those people had not been so esteemed. And so I look upon this +exaggeration of their holiness who are still living in the world to be +a temptation of Satan. That we should have a good opinion of the +servants of God is most just, but let us consider them always as +people in danger, however good they may be, and that their goodness is +not so evident that we can be sure of it even now.</p> +<p>"6. Considering myself that what I have said is true, I have +always proceeded cautiously in the examination of this account of the +prayer and life of this nun, and no one has been more incredulous than +myself as to her visions and revelations,--not so, however as to her +goodness and her good desires, for herein I have had great experience +of her truthfulness, her obedience, mortification, patience, and +charity towards her persecutors, and of her other virtues, which any +one who will converse with her will discern; and this is what may be +regarded as a more certain proof of her real love of God than these +visions and revelations. I do not, however, undervalue her visions, +revelations, and ecstasies; on the contrary, I suspect them to be the +work of God, as they have been in others who were Saints. But in this +case it is always safer to be afraid and wary; for if she is confident +about them, Satan will take occasion to interfere, and that which was +once, perhaps, the work of God, may be changed into something else, +and that will be the devil's.</p> +<p>"7. I am of opinion that this book is not to be shown to every +one, but only to men of learning, experience, and Christian +discretion. It perfectly answers the purpose for which it was +written, namely, that the nun should give an account of the state of +her soul to those who had the charge of it, in order that she might +not fall into delusions. Of one thing I am very sure, so far as it is +possible for a man to be,--she is not a deceiver; she deserves, +therefore, for her sincerity, that all should be favourable to her in +her good purposes and good works. For within the last thirteen years +she has, I believe, founded a dozen monasteries of Barefooted +Carmelite nuns, the austerity and perfection of which are exceeded by +none other; of which they who have been visitors of them, as the +Dominican Provincial, master in theology, [<a href="#prenote24">24</a>] +Fra Pedro Fernandez, the master Fra Hernando del Castillo, and many +others, speak highly. This is what I think, at present, concerning +the censure of this book, submitting my judgment herein to that of +Holy Church our mother, and her ministers.</p> +<p>"Given in the College of <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Gregory, Valladolid, on the sixth day of +July, 1575.</p> +<p>"Fra Domingo Bañes."</p></blockquote> +<p>The book remained in the keeping of the Inquisition, and the Saint +never saw it again. But she heard of it from the Archbishop of +Toledo, Cardinal Quiroga, President of the Supreme Court of the +Inquisition, when she applied to him for license to found a monastery +in Madrid. Jerome of the Mother of God was with her; and heard the +Cardinal's reply. His Eminence said he was glad to see her; that a +book of hers had been in the Holy Office for some years, and had been +rigorously examined; that he had read it himself, and regarded it as +containing sound and wholesome doctrine. He would grant the license, +and do whatever he could for the Saint. When she heard this, she +wished to present a petition to the Inquisition for the restitution of +her book; but Gratian thought it better to apply to the Duke of Alba +for the copy which he had, and which the Inquisitors had allowed him +to retain and read. The Duke gave his book to Fra Jerome, who had +copies of it made for the use of the monasteries both of men +and women. [<a href="#prenote25">25</a>]</p> +<p>Anne of Jesus, in 1586, founding a monastery of her Order in +Madrid,--the Saint had died in 1582,--made inquiries about the book, +and applied to the Inquisition for it, for she was resolved to publish +the writings of her spiritual mother. The Inquisitors made no +difficulty, and consented to the publication. In this she was +seconded by the Empress Maria, daughter of Charles V., and widow of +Maximilian II., who had obtained one of the copies which Fra Jerome of +the Mother of God had ordered to be made. Fra Nicholas Doria, then +Provincial, asked Fra Luis de Leon, the Augustinian, to edit the book, +who consented. He was allowed to compare the copy furnished him with +the original in the keeping of the Inquisition; but his edition has +not been considered accurate, notwithstanding the facilities given +him, and his great reverence for the Saint. It was published in +Salamanca, A.D. 1588.</p> +<p>With the Life of the Saint, Fra Luis de Leon received certain +papers in the handwriting of the Saint, which he published as an +additional chapter. Whether he printed all he received, or merely +made extracts, may be doubtful, but anyhow that chapter is singularly +incomplete. Don Vicente de la Fuente, from whose edition (Madrid, +1861, 1862) this translation has been made, omitted the additional +chapter of Fra Luis de Leon, contrary to the practice of his +predecessors. But he has done more, for he has traced the paragraphs +of that chapter to their sources, and has given us now a collection of +papers which form almost another Life of the Saint, to which he has +given their old name of Relations, [<a href="#prenote26">26</a>] the +name which the Saint herself had given +them. [<a href="#prenote27">27</a>] Some of them are usually printed +among the Saint's letters, and portions of some of the others are +found in the Lives of the Saint written by Ribera and Yepes, and in +the Chronicle of the Order; the rest was published for the first time +by Don Vicente: the arrangement of the whole is due to him.</p> +<p>The Relations are ten in the Spanish edition, and eleven in the +translation. The last, the eleventh, has hitherto been left among the +letters, and Don Vicente, seemingly not without some hesitation, so +left it; but as it is of the like nature with the Relations, it has +now been added to them.</p> +<p>The original text, in the handwriting of the Saint, is preserved in +the Escurial, not in the library, but among the relics of the Church. +Don Vicente examined it at his leisure, and afterwards found in the +National Library in Madrid an authentic and exact transcript of it, +made by order of Ferdinand VI. His edition is, therefore, far better +than any of its predecessors; but it is possible that even now there +may still remain some verbal errors for future editors to correct. +The most conscientious diligence is not a safeguard against mistakes. +<abbr title="Father">F.</abbr> Bouix says that in ch. xxxiv. § 12, the +reading of the original differs from that of the printed editions; yet +Don Vicente takes no notice of it, and retains the common reading. It +is impossible to believe that <abbr title="Father">F.</abbr> Bouix has +stated as a fact that which is not. Again, in <a +href="#l39.29">ch. xxxix. § 29</a>, the printed editions +have after the words, "Thou art Mine, and I am thine," "I +am in the habit . . . . sincerity;" but Don Vicente omits them. +This may have been an oversight, for in general he points out in his +notes all the discrepancies between the printed editions and the +original text.</p> +<p>A new translation of the <cite>Life</cite> of <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Teresa seems called for now, because the +original text has been collated since the previous translations were +made, and also because those translations are exceedingly scarce. The +first is believed to be this--it is a small quarto:</p> +<p>"The Lyf of the Mother Teresa of Jesus, Foundresse of the +Monasteries of the Discalced or Bare-footed Carmelite Nunnes and +Fryers of the First Rule.</p> +<p>"Written by herself at the commaundement of her ghostly +father, and now translated into English out of Spanish. By W. M., of +the Society of Jesus.</p> +<p>"Imprinted in Antwerp by Henry Jaye. Anno MDCXI."</p> +<p>Some thirty years afterwards, Sir Tobias Matthew, S.J., +dissatisfied, as he says, with the former translation, published +another, with the following title; the volume is a small octavo +in form:</p> +<p>"The Flaming Hart, or the Life of the glorious <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Teresa, Foundresse of the Reformation of the +Order of the All-Immaculate Virgin Mother, our B. Lady of +Mount Carmel.</p> +<p>"This History of her Life was written by the Saint in +Spanish, and is newly translated into English in the year of our +Lord God 1642.</p> +<p>'Aut mori aut pati:</p> +<p>Either to dye or else to +suffer.'--<cite><abbr title="chapter">Chap.</abbr></cite> xl.</p> +<p>"Antwerpe, printed by Joannes Meursius. Anno MDCXLII."</p> +<p>The next translation was made by Abraham Woodhead, and published in +1671, without the name of the translator, or of the printer, or of the +place of publication. It is in quarto, and bears the +following title:</p> +<p>"The Life of the Holy Mother <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> +Teresa, Foundress of the Reformation of the Discalced Carmelites +according to the Primitive Rule. Printed in the +year MDCLXXI."</p> +<p>It is not said that the translation was made from the Spanish, and +there are grounds for thinking it to have been made from the Italian. +Ch. xxxii. is broken off at the end of § 10; and ch. xxxiii., +therefore, is ch. xxxvii. That which is there omitted has been thrown +into the <cite>Book of the Foundations</cite>, which, in the +translation of Mr. Woodhead, begins with § 11 of ch. xxxii. of the +<cite>Life</cite>, as it also does in the Italian translation. It is +due, however, to Mr. Woodhead to say that he has printed five of the +Relations separately, not as letters, but as what they really are, and +with that designation.</p> +<p>The last translation is that of the Very Reverend John Dalton, +Canon of Northampton, which is now, though twice published, almost as +scarce as its predecessors. The title is:</p> +<p>"The Life of <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Teresa, written by +herself, and translated from the Spanish by the <abbr +title="Reverend">Rev.</abbr> John Dalton. London, MDCCCLI."</p> +<p>Septuagesima, 1870.</p> +<hr title="Notes"> +<p><small><a name="prenote1">1</a>. Fr. Anton. a St. Joseph, in his +note on letter 16, but letter 41, vol. iv. ed. Doblado.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="prenote2">2</a>. <cite lang="es">Reforma de los +Descalços</cite>. lib. i. ch. vii. § 3.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="prenote3">3</a>. <a href="#l3.2">Ch. iii. +§ 2</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="prenote4">4</a>. <a href="#l3.9">Ch. iii. +§ 9</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="prenote5">5</a>. <a href="#l1.3">Ch. i. +§ 3</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="prenote6">6</a>. <a href="#l23.2">Ch. +xxiii. § 2</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="prenote7">7</a>. <a href="#l23.8">Ch. +xxiii. § 8</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="prenote8">8</a>. <a +href="#l23.12"><i><abbr lang="la" title="Idem">Id.</abbr></i> +§ 12</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="prenote9">9</a>. <a href="#l24.1">Ch. +xxiv. § 1</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="prenote10">10</a>. <a +href="#l24.4"><i><abbr lang="la" title="Idem">Id.</abbr></i> +§ 4</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="prenote11">11</a>. <a href="#l29.4">Ch. +xxix. § 4</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="prenote12">12</a>. <a href="#l33.6">Ch. +xxxiii. § 6</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="prenote13">13</a>. The Saint held him in great +reverence, and in one of her letters--lett. 355, but lett. 100, vol. +ii. ed. Doblado--calls him a founder of her Order, because of the +great services he had rendered her, and told her nuns of Seville that +they need not be veiled in his presence, though they must be so in the +presence of everybody else, and even the friars of +the Reform.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="prenote14">14</a>. See <a +href="#l29.6"><cite>Life</cite>, ch. xxix. +§ 6</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="prenote15">15</a>. <a +href="#r7.9"><abbr title="Relations">Rel.</abbr> vii. +§ 9</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="prenote16">16</a>. <cite lang="es">Reforma de los +Descalços</cite>, lib. ii. c. xxviii. § 6.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="prenote17">17</a>. Introduccion al libro de la +Vida, vol. i. p. 3.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="prenote18">18</a>. Jerome Gratian, +<cite>Lucidario</cite>, c. iv.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="prenote19">19</a>. <a +href="#l36.15"><cite>Life</cite>, ch. xxxvi. +§ 15</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="prenote20">20</a>. The Saint says of herself, <a +href="#r7.18"><abbr title="Relations">Rel.</abbr> vii. § +18</a>, that "she took the greatest pains not to submit the state +of her soul to any one who she thought would believe that these things +came from God, for she was instantly afraid that the devil would +deceive them both."</small></p> +<p><small><a name="prenote21">21</a>. <a +href="#r7.16"><abbr title="Relations">Rel.</abbr> vii. +§ 16</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="prenote22">22</a>. <span lang="es">"Como hombre +criado toda mi vida en leer y disputar"</span> (<cite>De la +Fuente</cite>, ii. p. 376).</small></p> +<p><small><a name="prenote23">23</a>. 2 Cor. xi. 14: <span +lang="la">"Ipse enim Satanas transfigurat se in +angelum lucis."</span></small></p> +<p><small><a name="prenote24">24</a>. The other theologian appointed +by the Inquisition, with Fra Bañes, to examine +the "Life."</small></p> +<p><small><a name="prenote25">25</a>. This took place in the year +1580, according to the Chronicler of the Order +(<cite lang="es">Reforma de los Descalços</cite>, lib. v. c. xxxv. § +4); and the Bollandists (n. 1536) accept his statement. Fra Jerome +says he was Provincial of his Order at the time; and as he was elected +only on the 4th of March, 1581, according to the Chronicler and the +Bollandists, it is more likely that the audience granted to them by +the Cardinal took place in 1581.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="prenote26">26</a>. <cite lang="es">Reforma de los +Descalços</cite>, lib. v. c. xxxiv. § 4: <span +lang="es">"Relaciones de su espiritu."</span></small></p> +<p><small><a name="prenote27">27</a>. <a +href="#r2.18"><abbr title="Relations">Rel.</abbr> ii. +§ 18</a>.</small></p> +<hr title="Text"> +<h2><a name="annals">Annals of the Saint's Life.</a></h2> +<p>By Don Vicente de la Fuente.</p> +<p>These are substantially the same with those drawn up by the +Bollandists, but they are fuller and more minute, and furnish a more +detailed history of the Saint.</p> +<dl> +<dt>1515.</dt> +<dd><p><abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Teresa is born in Avila, +March 28th. [<a href="#annnote1">1</a>]</p></dd> +<dt>1522.</dt> +<dd><p>She desires martyrdom, and leaves her father's house with one of +her brothers.</p></dd> +<dt>1527. [<a href="#annnote2">2</a>]</dt> +<dd><p>Death of her mother.</p></dd> +<dt>1529.</dt> +<dd><p>Writes romances of chivalry, and is misled by a +thoughtless cousin.</p></dd> +<dt>1531.</dt> +<dd><p>Her sister Maria's marriage, and her removal from home to the +Augustinian monastery, where she remains till the autumn of +next year.</p></dd> +<dt>1533. [<a href="#annnote3">3</a>]</dt> +<dd><p>Nov. 2, enters the monastery of the Incarnation.</p></dd> +<dt>1534.</dt> +<dd><p>Nov. 3, makes her profession.</p></dd> +<dt>1535.</dt> +<dd><p>Goes to Castellanos de la Cañada, to her sister's house, where she +remains till the spring of 1536, when she goes to Bezadas.</p></dd> +<dt>1537.</dt> +<dd><p>Returns to Avila on Palm Sunday. In July seriously ill, and in a +trance for four days, when in her father's house. Paralysed for more +than two years.</p></dd> +<dt>1539.</dt> +<dd><p>Is cured of her paralysis by <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Joseph.</p></dd> +<dt>1541.</dt> +<dd><p>Begins to grow lukewarm, and gives up mental prayer.</p></dd> +<dt>1542.</dt> +<dd><p>Our Lord appears to her in the parlour of the monastery, +"stern and grave " [<a href="#l7.11">ch. vii. +§ 11</a>, see <a href="#l7note3">note there</a>].</p></dd> +<dt>1555.</dt> +<dd><p>Ceases to converse with secular people, moved thereto by the sight +of a picture of our Lord on the cross + [<a href="#l9.1">ch. ix. § 1</a>]. The Jesuits come to +Avila and the Saint confesses to <abbr title="Father">F.</abbr> Juan +de Padranos.</p></dd> +<dt>1556.</dt> +<dd><p>Beginning of the supernatural visitations.</p></dd> +<dt>1557.</dt> +<dd><p><abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Francis de Borja comes to Avila, +and approves of the spirit of the Saint.</p></dd> +<dt>1558.</dt> +<dd><p>First rapture of the Saint + [<a href="#l24.7">ch. xxiv. § 7</a>]. The vision of Hell + [<a href="#l32.1">ch. xxxii. § 1</a>]. Father Alvarez +ordained priest.</p></dd> +<dt>1559.</dt> +<dd><p>She takes <abbr title="Father">F.</abbr> Alvarez for her +confessor. The transpiercing of her heart + [<a href="#l29.17">ch. xxix. § 17</a>]. Vision of our Lord +risen from the dead [<a href="#l27.3">ch. xxvii. § 3</a>, +<a href="#l28.2">ch. xxviii. § 2</a>].</p></dd> +<dt>1560.</dt> +<dd><p>The vow of greater perfection. <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Peter of Alcantara approves of her spirit, +and <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Luis Beltran encourages her to +proceed with her plan of founding a new monastery.</p></dd> +<dt>1561.</dt> +<dd><p>F. Gaspar de Salazar, S.J., comes to Avila; her sister Doña Juana +comes to Avila from Alba de Tormes to help the Saint in the new +foundation [<a href="#l33.13">ch. xxxiii. § 13</a>]. +Restores her nephew to Life [<a href="#l35note16">ch. xxxv. +§ 14, note</a>]. Fra Ibañez bids her write her Life. Receives a sum +of money from her brother in Peru, which enables her to go on with the +building of the new house.</p></dd> +<dt>1562.</dt> +<dd><p>Goes to Toledo, to the house of Doña Luisa de la Cerda, and +finishes the account of her Life. Makes the acquaintance of Fra +Bañes, afterwards her principal director, and Fra Garcia of Toledo, +both Dominicans. Receives a visit from Maria of Jesus. Has a +revelation that her sister, Doña Maria, will die +suddenly [<a href="#l34.24">ch. xxxiv. § 24</a>]. Returns to Avila +and takes possession of the new monastery, August 24. Troubles in +Avila. The Saint ordered back to the monastery of the Incarnation. +Is commanded by Fra Garcia of Toledo to write the history of the +foundation of <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Joseph.</p></dd> +</dl> +<hr title="Notes"> +<p><small><a name="annnote1">1</a>. In the same year <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Philip was born in Florence. <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Teresa died in 1582, and <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Philip in 1595; but they were canonised on +the same day, with <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Isidore, <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Ignatius, and <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> +Francis Xavier. The three latter were joined together in the three +final consistories held before the solemn proclamation of their +sanctity, and <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Teresa and <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Philip were joined together in the same way +in the final consistories held +specially, as usual, for them.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="annnote2">2</a>. This must be an error. See <a +href="#l1note7">ch. i. § 7, note 7</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="annnote3">3</a>. There is a difficulty about this. +The Bollandists maintain that she went to the monastery of the +Incarnation in the year 1533. On the other hand Ribera, her most +accurate biographer--with whom Fra Jerome agrees,--says that she left +her father's house in 1535, when she was more than twenty years of +age; Yepes, that she was not yet twenty; and the Second Relation of +the Rota, that she was in her twentieth year. The Bull of +Canonisation and the Office in the Breviary also say that she was in +her twentieth year, that is, A.D. 1534. The Chronicler of the Order +differs from all and assigns the year 1536 as the year in which she +entered the monastery.</small></p> +<hr title="Text"> +<h2>The Life<br> +of the<br> +Holy Mother Teresa of Jesus.</h2> +<p>Written by Herself.</p> +<h3><a name="prologue">Prologue.</a></h3> +<p>As I have been commanded and left at liberty to describe at length +my way of prayer, and the workings of the grace of our Lord within me, +I could wish that I had been allowed at the same time to speak +distinctly and in detail of my grievous sins and wicked life. But it +has not been so willed; on the contrary, I am laid herein under great +restraint; and therefore, for the love of our Lord, I beg of every one +who shall read this story of my life [<a href="#pronote1">1</a>] to +keep in mind how wicked it has been; and how, among the Saints who +were converted to God, I have never found one in whom I can have any +comfort. For I see that they, after our Lord had called them, never +fell into sin again; I not only became worse, but, as it seems to me, +deliberately withstood the graces of His Majesty, because I saw that I +was thereby bound to serve Him more earnestly, knowing, at the same +time, that of myself I could not pay the least portion of my debt.</p> +<p>May He be blessed for ever Who waited for me so long! I implore +Him with my whole heart to send me His grace, so that in all clearness +and truth I may give this account of myself which my confessors +command me to give; and even our Lord Himself, I know it, has also +willed it should be given for some time past, but I had not the +courage to attempt it. And I pray it may be to His praise and glory, +and a help to my confessors; who, knowing me better, may succour my +weakness, so that I may render to our Lord some portion of the service +I owe Him. May all creatures praise Him for ever! Amen.</p> +<hr title="Notes"> +<p><small><a name="pronote1">1</a>. The Saint, in a letter written +November 19, 1581, to Don Pedro de Castro, then canon of Avila, +speaking of this book, calls it the book "Of the compassions of +God"--<i lang="es">Y ansi intitule ese libro De las Misericordias +de Dios.</i> That letter is the 358th in the edition of Don Vicente de +la Fuente, and the 8th of the fourth volume of the Doblado edition of +Madrid. <span lang="la">"Vitam igitur suam internam et +supernaturalem magis pandit quam narrat actiones suas mere +humanas"</span> (<cite>Bollandists</cite>, n. 2).</small></p> +<hr title="Text"> +<h3><a name="l1.0">Chapter I.</a></h3> +<p><big>Childhood and Early Impressions. The Blessing of Pious +Parents. Desire of Martyrdom. Death of the Saint's Mother.</big></p> +<p><a name="l1.1">1</a>. I had a father and mother, who were devout and feared God. Our +Lord also helped me with His grace. All this would have been enough +to make me good, if I had not been so wicked. My father was very much +given to the reading of good books; and so he had them in Spanish, +that his children might read them. These books, with my mother's +carefulness to make us say our prayers, and to bring us up devout to +our Lady and to certain Saints, began to make me think seriously when +I was, I believe, six or seven years old. It helped me, too, that I +never saw my father and mother respect anything but goodness. They +were very good themselves. My father was a man of great charity +towards the poor, and compassion for the sick, and also for servants; +so much so, that he never could be persuaded to keep slaves, for he +pitied them so much: and a slave belonging to one of his brothers +being once in his house, was treated by him with as much tenderness as +his own children. He used to say that he could not endure the pain of +seeing that she was not free. He was a man of great truthfulness; +nobody ever heard him swear or speak ill of any one; his life was +most pure.</p> +<p><a name="l1.2">2</a>. My mother also was a woman of great goodness, and her life was +spent in great infirmities. She was singularly pure in all her ways. +Though possessing great beauty, yet was it never known that she gave +reason to suspect that she made any account whatever of it; for, +though she was only three-and-thirty years of age when she died, her +apparel was already that of a woman advanced in years. She was very +calm, and had great sense. The sufferings she went through during her +life were grievous, her death +most Christian. [<a href="#l1note1">1</a>]</p> +<p><a name="l1.3">3</a>. We were three sisters and nine +brothers. [<a href="#l1note2">2</a>] All, by the mercy of God, +resembled their parents in goodness except myself, though I was the +most cherished of my father. And, before I began to offend God, I +think he had some reason,--for I am filled with sorrow whenever I +think of the good desires with which our Lord inspired me, and what a +wretched use I made of them. Besides, my brothers never in any way +hindered me in the service of God.</p> +<p><a name="l1.4">4</a>. One of my brothers was nearly of my own +age; [<a href="#l1note3">3</a>] and he it was whom I most loved, though +I was very fond of them all, and they of me. He and I used to read +Lives of Saints together. When I read of martyrdom undergone by the +Saints for the love of God, it struck me that the vision of God was +very cheaply purchased; and I had a great desire to die a martyr's +death,--not out of any love of Him of which I was conscious, but that +I might most quickly attain to the fruition of those great joys of +which I read that they were reserved in Heaven; and I used to discuss +with my brother how we could become martyrs. We settled to go +together to the country of the Moors, [<a href="#l1note4">4</a>] +begging our way for the love of God, that we might be there +beheaded; [<a href="#l1note5">5</a>] and our Lord, I believe, had given +us courage enough, even at so tender an age, if we could have found +the means to proceed; but our greatest difficulty seemed to be our +father and mother.</p> +<p><a name="l1.5">5</a>. It astonished us greatly to find it said in +what we were reading that pain and bliss were everlasting. We +happened very often to talk about this; and we had a pleasure in +repeating frequently, "For ever, ever, ever." Through the +constant uttering of these words, our Lord was pleased that I should +receive an abiding impression of the way of truth when I was yet +a child.</p> +<p><a name="l1.6">6</a>. As soon as I saw it was impossible to go to +any place where people would put me to death for the sake of God, my +brother and I set about becoming hermits; and in an orchard belonging +to the house we contrived, as well as we could, to build hermitages, +by piling up small stones one on the other, which fell down +immediately; and so it came to pass that we found no means of +accomplishing our wish. Even now, I have a feeling of devotion when I +consider how God gave me in my early youth what I lost by my own +fault. I gave alms as I could--and I could but little. I contrived +to be alone, for the sake of saying my +prayers [<a href="#l1note6">6</a>]--and they were many--especially the +Rosary, to which my mother had a great devotion, and had made us also +in this like herself. I used to delight exceedingly, when playing +with other children, in the building of monasteries, as if we were +nuns; and I think I wished to be a nun, though not so much as I did to +be a martyr or a hermit.</p> +<p><a name="l1.7">7</a>. I remember that, when my mother +died, [<a href="#l1note7">7</a>] I was about twelve years old--a little +less. When I began to understand my loss, I went in my affliction to +an image of our Lady, [<a href="#l1note8">8</a>] and with many tears +implored her to be my mother. I did this in my simplicity, and I +believe that it was of service to me; for I have by experience found +the royal Virgin help me whenever I recommended myself to her; and at +last she has brought me back to herself. It distresses me now, when I +think of, and reflect on, that which kept me from being earnest in the +good desires with which I began.</p> +<p><a name="l1.8">8</a>. O my Lord, since Thou art determined to save me--may it be the +pleasure of Thy Majesty to effect it!--and to bestow upon me so many +graces, why has it not been Thy pleasure also--not for my advantage, +but for Thy greater honour--that this habitation, wherein Thou hast +continually to dwell, should not have contracted so much defilement? +It distresses me even to say this, O my Lord, because I know the fault +is all my own, seeing that Thou hast left nothing undone to make me, +even from my youth, wholly Thine. When I would complain of my +parents, I cannot do it; for I saw nothing in them but all good, and +carefulness for my welfare. Then, growing up, I began to discover the +natural gifts which our Lord had given me--they were said to be many; +and, when I should have given Him thanks for them, I made use of every +one of them, as I shall now explain, to offend Him.</p> +<hr title="Notes"> +<p><small><a name="l1note1">1</a>. See <a href="#l37.1">ch. +xxxvii. § 1</a>; where the Saint says that she saw them in a vision +both in Heaven.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l1note2">2</a>. Alfonso Sanchez de Cepeda, father +of the Saint, married first Catalina del Peso y Henao, and had three +children--one daughter, Maria de Cepeda, and two sons. After the +death of Catalina, he married Beatriz Davila y Ahumada, by whom he had +nine children--seven boys and two girls. The third of these, and the +eldest of the daughters, was the Saint, Doña Teresa Sanchez Cepeda +Davila y Ahumada. In the Monastery of the Incarnation, where she was +a professed nun for twenty-eight years, she was known as Doña Teresa; +but in the year 1563, when she left her monastery for the new +foundation of <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Joseph, of the Reform of +the Carmelites, she took for the first time the name of Teresa of +Jesus (<cite>De la Fuente</cite>). The Saint was born March 28, 1515, and baptized +on the 4th of April, in the church of <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> John; on which day Mass was said for the +first time in the Monastery of the Incarnation, where the Saint made +her profession. Her godfather was Vela Nuñez, and her godmother Doña +Maria del Aguila. The Bollandists and Father Bouix say that she was +baptized on the very day of her birth. But the testimony of Doña +Maria de Pinel, a nun in the Monastery of the Incarnation, is clear: +and Don Vicente de La Fuente, quoting it, vol. i. p. 549, says that +this delay of baptism was nothing singular in those days, provided +there was no danger of death.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l1note3">3</a>. Rodrigo de Cepeda, four years older +than the Saint, entered the army, and, serving in South America, was +drowned in the river Plate, Rio de la Plata. <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Teresa always considered him a martyr, +because he died in defence of the Catholic faith (<cite>Ribera</cite>, +lib. i. ch. iii.). Before he sailed for the Indies, he made his will, +and left all his property to the Saint, his sister +(<cite lang="es">Reforma de los Descalços</cite>, vol. i. lib. i. ch. +iii. § 4).</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l1note4">4</a>. The Bollandists incline to believe +that <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Teresa may not have intended to +quit Spain, because all the Moors were not at that time driven out of +the country. The Bull of the Saint's canonization, and the Lections +of the Breviary, say that she left her father's house, <i lang="la">ut in +Africam trajiceret.</i></small></p> +<p><small><a name="l1note5">5</a>. The two children set out on their +strange journey--one of them seven, the other eleven, years +old--through the Adaja Gate; but when they had crossed the bridge, +they were met by one of their uncles, who brought them back to their +mother, who had already sent through Avila in quest of them. Rodrigo, +like Adam, excused himself, and laid the blame on the woman +(<cite>Ribera</cite>, lib. i. ch. iii.). Francisco de Santa Maria, +chronicler of the Order, says that the uncle was Francisco Alvarez de +Cepeda (<cite lang="es">Reforma de los Descalços</cite>, lib. i. ch. +v. § 4).</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l1note6">6</a>. She was also marvellously touched +by the story of the Samaritan woman at the well, of whom there was a +picture in her room (<cite>Ribera</cite>, lib. i. ch. iv.). She +speaks of this later on. (See <a href="#l30.24">ch. xxx. +§ 24</a>.)</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l1note7">7</a>. The last will and testament of Doña +Beatriz de Ahumada was made November 24, 1528 and she may have died +soon after. If there be no mistake in the copy of that instrument, +the Saint must have been more than twelve years old at that time. Don +Vicente, in a note, says, with the Bollandists, that Doña Beatriz died +at the end of the year 1526, or in the beginning of 1527; but it is +probable that, when he wrote that note, he had not read the copy of +the will, which he has printed in the first volume of the Saint's +writings, p. 550.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l1note8">8</a>. Our Lady of Charity, in the church +of the hospital where the poor and pilgrims were received in +Avila (<cite>Bouix</cite>).</small></p> +<hr title="Text"> +<h3><a name="l2.0">Chapter II.</a></h3> +<p><big>Early Impressions. Dangerous Books and Companions. The Saint +Is Placed in a Monastery.</big></p> +<p><a name="l2.1">1</a>. What I shall now speak of was, I believe, the +beginning of great harm to me. I often think how wrong it is of +parents not to be very careful that their children should always, and +in every way, see only that which is good; for though my mother was, +as I have just said, so good herself, nevertheless I, when I came to +the use of reason, did not derive so much good from her as I ought to +have done--almost none at all; and the evil I learned did me much +harm. She was very fond of books of chivalry; but this pastime did +not hurt her so much as it hurt me, because she never wasted her time +on them; only we, her children, were left at liberty to read them; and +perhaps she did this to distract her thoughts from her great +sufferings, and occupy her children, that they might not go astray in +other ways. It annoyed my father so much, that we had to be careful he +never saw us. I contracted a habit of reading these books; and this +little fault which I observed in my mother was the beginning of +lukewarmness in my good desires, and the occasion of my falling away +in other respects. I thought there was no harm in it when I wasted +many hours night and day in so vain an occupation, even when I kept it +a secret from my father. So completely was I mastered by this +passion, that I thought I could never be happy without a new book.</p> +<p><a name="l2.2">2</a>. I began to make much of dress, to wish to +please others by my appearance. I took pains with my hands and my +hair, used perfumes, and all vanities within my reach--and they were +many, for I was very much given to them. I had no evil intention, +because I never wished any one to offend God for me. This +fastidiousness of excessive neatness [<a href="#l2note1">1</a>] lasted +some years; and so also did other practices, which I thought then were +not at all sinful; now, I see how wrong all this must have been.</p> +<p><a name="l2.3">3</a>. I had some cousins; for into my father's +house no others were allowed an entrance. In this he was very +cautious; and would to God he had been cautious about them!--for I see +now the danger of conversing, at an age when virtue should begin to +grow, with persons who, knowing nothing themselves of the vanity of +the world, provoke others to throw themselves into the midst of it. +These cousins were nearly of mine own age--a little older, perhaps. +We were always together; and they had a great affection for me. In +everything that gave them pleasure, I kept the conversation +alive,--listened to the stories of their affections and childish +follies, good for nothing; and, what was still worse, my soul began to +give itself up to that which was the cause of all its disorders. If I +were to give advice, I would say to parents that they ought to be very +careful whom they allow to mix with their children when young; for +much mischief thence ensues, and our natural inclinations are unto +evil rather than unto good.</p> +<p><a name="l2.4">4</a>. So it was with me; for I had a sister much +older than myself, [<a href="#l2note2">2</a>] from whose modesty and +goodness, which were great, I learned nothing; and learned every evil +from a relative who was often in the house. She was so light and +frivolous, that my mother took great pains to keep her out of the +house, as if she foresaw the evil I should learn from her; but she +could not succeed, there being so many reasons for her coming. I was +very fond of this person's company, gossiped and talked with her; for +she helped me in all the amusements I liked, and, what is more, found +some for me, and communicated to me her own conversations and her +vanities. Until I knew her, I mean, until she became friendly with +me, and communicated to me her own affairs--I was then about fourteen +years old, a little more, I think--I do not believe that I turned away +from God in mortal sin, or lost the fear of Him, though I had a +greater fear of disgrace. This latter fear had such sway over me, +that I never wholly forfeited my good name--and, as to that, there was +nothing in the world for which I would have bartered it, and nobody in +the world I liked well enough who could have persuaded me to do it. +Thus I might have had the strength never to do anything against the +honour of God, as I had it by nature not to fail in that wherein I +thought the honour of the world consisted; and I never observed that I +was failing in many other ways. In vainly seeking after it I was +extremely careful; but in the use of the means necessary for +preserving it I was utterly careless. I was anxious only not to be +lost altogether.</p> +<p><a name="l2.5">5</a>. This friendship distressed my father and +sister exceedingly. They often blamed me for it; but, as they could +not hinder that person from coming into the house, all their efforts +were in vain; for I was very adroit in doing anything that was wrong. +Now and then, I am amazed at the evil one bad companion can do,--nor +could I believe it if I did not know it by experience,--especially +when we are young: then is it that the evil must be greatest. Oh, +that parents would take warning by me, and look carefully to this! So +it was; the conversation of this person so changed me, that no trace +was left of my soul's natural disposition to virtue, and I became a +reflection of her and of another who was given to the same kind +of amusements.</p> +<p><a name="l2.6">6</a>. I know from this the great advantage of good +companions; and I am certain that if at that tender age I had been +thrown among good people, I should have persevered in virtue; for if +at that time I had found any one to teach me the fear of God, my soul +would have grown strong enough not to fall away. Afterwards, when the +fear of God had utterly departed from me, the fear of dishonour alone +remained, and was a torment to me in all I did. When I thought that +nobody would ever know, I ventured upon many things that were neither +honourable nor pleasing unto God.</p> +<p><a name="l2.7">7</a>. In the beginning, these conversations did me +harm--I believe so. The fault was perhaps not hers, but mine; for +afterwards my own wickedness was enough to lead me astray, together +with the servants about me, whom I found ready enough for all evil. +If any one of these had given me good advice, I might perhaps have +profited by it; but they were blinded by interest, as I was by +passion. Still, I was never inclined to much evil,--for I hated +naturally anything dishonourable,--but only to the amusement of a +pleasant conversation. The occasion of sin, however, being present, +danger was at hand, and I exposed to it my father and brothers. God +delivered me out of it all, so that I should not be lost, in a manner +visibly against my will, yet not so secretly as to allow me to escape +without the loss of my good name and the suspicions of my father.</p> +<p><a name="l2.8">8</a>. I had not spent, I think, three months in +these vanities, when they took me to a +monastery [<a href="#l2note3">3</a>] in the city where I lived, in +which children like myself were brought up, though their way of life +was not so wicked as mine. This was done with the utmost concealment +of the true reason, which was known only to myself and one of my +kindred. They waited for an opportunity which would make the change +seem nothing out of the way; for, as my sister was married, it was not +fitting I should remain alone, without a mother, in the house.</p> +<p><a name="l2.9">9</a>. So excessive was my father's love for me, and +so deep my dissembling, that he never would believe me to be so wicked +as I was; and hence I was never in disgrace with him. Though some +remarks were made, yet, as the time had been short, nothing could +be positively asserted; and, as I was so much afraid about my good +name, I had taken every care to be secret; and yet I never considered +that I could conceal nothing from Him Who seeth all things. O my God, +what evil is done in the world by disregarding this, and thinking that +anything can be kept secret that is done against Thee! I am quite +certain that great evils would be avoided if we clearly understood +that what we have to do is, not to be on our guard against men, but on +our guard against displeasing Thee.</p> +<p><a name="l2.10">10</a>. For the first eight days, I suffered much; +but more from the suspicion that my vanity was known, than from being +in the monastery; for I was already weary of myself--and, though I +offended God, I never ceased to have a great fear of Him, and +contrived to go to confession as quickly as I could. I was very +uncomfortable; but within eight days, I think sooner, I was much more +contented than I had been in my father's house. All the nuns were +pleased with me; for our Lord had given me the grace to please every +one, wherever I might be. I was therefore made much of in the +monastery. Though at this time I hated to be a nun, yet I was +delighted at the sight of nuns so good; for they were very good in +that house--very prudent, observant of the rule, and recollected.</p> +<p><a name="l2.11">11</a>. Yet, for all this, the devil did not cease +to tempt me; and people in the world sought means to trouble my rest +with messages and presents. As this could not be allowed, it was soon +over, and my soul began to return to the good habits of my earlier +years; and I recognized the great mercy of God to those whom He places +among good people. It seems as if His Majesty had sought and sought +again how to convert me to Himself. Blessed be Thou, O Lord, for +having borne with me so long! Amen.</p> +<p><a name="l2.12">12</a>. Were it not for my many faults, there was +some excuse for me, I think, in this: that the conversation I shared +in was with one who, I thought, would do well in the estate of +matrimony; [<a href="#l2note4">4</a>] and I was told by my confessors, +and others also, whom in many points I consulted, used to say, that I +was not offending God. One of the nuns [<a href="#l2note5">5</a>] +slept with us who were seculars, and through her it pleased our Lord +to give me light, as I shall now explain.</p> +<hr title="Notes"> +<p><small><a name="l2note1">1</a>. The Saint throughout her life was +extremely careful of cleanliness. In one of her letters to Father +Jerome Gratian of the Mother of God (No. 323, Letter 28, vol. iii. ed. +Doblado), she begs him, for the love of God, to see that the Fathers +had clean cells and table; and the <abbr +title="Venerable">Ven.</abbr> Mother Anne of <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Bartholomew, in her life (Bruxelles, 1708, p. +40), says that she changed the Saint's linen on the day of her death, +and was thanked by her for her carefulness. "Her soul was so +pure," says the <abbr title="Venerable">Ven.</abbr> Mother, +"that she could not bear anything that was +not clean."</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l2note2">2</a>. Maria de Cepeda, half-sister of the +Saint. She was married to Don Martin de Guzman y Barrientos; and the +contract for the dowry was signed January 11, 1531 +(<cite lang="es">Reforma de los Descalços</cite> lib. i. ch. vii. +§ 4).</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l2note3">3</a>. The Augustinian Monastery of Our +Lady of Grace. It was founded in 1509 by the venerable Fra Juan of +Seville, Vicar-General of the Order (<cite lang="es">Reforma de los +Descalços</cite> lib. i. ch. vii. n. 2). There were forty nuns in the +house at this time (<cite>De la Fuente</cite>).</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l2note4">4</a>. Some have said that the Saint at +this time intended, or wished, to be married; and Father Bouix +translates the passage thus: <span lang="fr">"une alliance +honorable pour moi."</span> But it is more probable that the +Saint had listened only to the story of her cousin's intended +marriage; for in <a href="#l5.11">ch. v. § 11</a>, she says +that our Lord had always kept her from seeking to be loved +of men.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l2note5">5</a>. Doña Maria Brizeño, mistress of the +secular children who were educated in the monastery +(<cite lang="es">Reforma</cite>, lib. i. ch. vii. § 3).</small></p> +<hr title="Text"> +<h3><a name="l3.0">Chapter III.</a></h3> +<p><big>The Blessing of Being with Good People. How Certain Illusions +Were Removed.</big></p> +<p><a name="l3.1">1</a>. I began gradually to like the good and holy +conversation of this nun. How well she used to speak of God! for she +was a person of great discretion and sanctity. I listened to her with +delight. I think there never was a time when I was not glad to listen +to her. She began by telling me how she came to be a nun through the +mere reading of the words of the Gospel "Many are called, and few +are chosen." [<a href="#l3note1">1</a>] She would speak of the +reward which our Lord gives to those who forsake all things for His +sake. This good companionship began to root out the habits which bad +companionship had formed, and to bring my thoughts back to the desire +of eternal things, as well as to banish in some measure the great +dislike I had to be a nun, which had been very great; and if I saw any +one weep in prayer, or devout in any other way, I envied her very +much; for my heart was now so hard, that I could not shed a tear, even +if I read the Passion through. This was a grief to me.</p> +<p><a name="l3.2">2</a>. I remained in the monastery a year and a +half, and was very much the better for it. I began to say many vocal +prayers, and to ask all the nuns to pray for me, that God would place +me in that state wherein I was to serve Him; but, for all this, I +wished not to be a nun, and that God would not be pleased I should be +one, though at the same time I was afraid of marriage. At the end of +my stay there, I had a greater inclination to be a nun, yet not in +that house, on account of certain devotional practices which I +understood prevailed there, and which I thought overstrained. Some of +the younger ones encouraged me in this my wish; and if all had been of +one mind, I might have profited by it. I had also a great +friend [<a href="#l3note2">2</a>] in another monastery; and this made +me resolve, if I was to be a nun, not to be one in any other house +than where she was. I looked more to the pleasure of sense and vanity +than to the good of my soul. These good thoughts of being a nun came +to me from time to time. They left me very soon; and I could not +persuade myself to become one.</p> +<p><a name="l3.3">3</a>. At this time, though I was not careless about +my own good, our Lord was much more careful to dispose me for that +state of life which was best for me. He sent me a serious illness, so +that I was obliged to return to my father's house.</p> +<p><a name="l3.4">4</a>. When I became well again, they took me to see +my sister [<a href="#l3note3">3</a>] in her house in the country +village where she dwelt. Her love for me was so great, that, if she +had had her will, I should never have left her. Her husband also had +a great affection for me--at least, he showed me all kindness. This +too I owe rather to our Lord, for I have received kindness everywhere; +and all my service in return is, that I am what I am.</p> +<p><a name="l3.5">5</a>. On the road lived a brother of my +father [<a href="#l3note4">4</a>]--a prudent and most excellent man, +then a widower. Him too our Lord was preparing for Himself. In his +old age, he left all his possessions and became a religious. He so +finished his course, that I believe him to have the vision of God. He +would have me stay with him some days. His practice was to read good +books in Spanish; and his ordinary conversation was about God and the +vanity of the world. These books he made me read to him; and, though I +did not much like them, I appeared as if I did; for in giving pleasure +to others I have been most particular, though it might be painful to +myself--so much so, that what in others might have been a virtue was +in me a great fault, because I was often extremely indiscreet. O my +God, in how many ways did His Majesty prepare me for the state wherein +it was His will I should serve Him!--how, against my own will, He +constrained me to do violence to myself! May He be blessed for +ever! Amen.</p> +<p><a name="l3.6">6</a>. Though I remained here but a few days, yet, +through the impression made on my heart by the words of God both heard +and read, and by the good conversation of my uncle, I came to +understand the truth I had heard in my childhood, that all things are +as nothing, the world vanity, and passing rapidly away. I also began +to be afraid that, if I were then to die, I should go down to hell. +Though I could not bend my will to be a nun, I saw that the religious +state was the best and the safest. And thus, by little and little, I +resolved to force myself into it.</p> +<p><a name="l3.7">7</a>. The struggle lasted three months. I used to +press this reason against myself: The trials and sufferings of living +as a nun cannot be greater than those of purgatory, and I have well +deserved to be in hell. It is not much to spend the rest of my life +as if I were in purgatory, and then go straight to Heaven--which was +what I desired. I was more influenced by servile fear, I think, than +by love, to enter religion.</p> +<p><a name="l3.8">8</a>. The devil put before me that I could not +endure the trials of the religious life, because of my delicate +nurture. I defended myself against him by alleging the trials which +Christ endured, and that it was not much for me to suffer something +for His sake; besides, He would help me to bear it. I must have +thought so, but I do not remember this consideration. I endured many +temptations during these days. I was subject to fainting-fits, +attended with fever,--for my health was always weak. I had become by +this time fond of good books, and that gave me life. I read the +Epistles of <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Jerome, which filled me +with so much courage, that I resolved to tell my father of my +purpose,--which was almost like taking the habit; for I was so jealous +of my word, that I would never, for any consideration, recede from a +promise when once my word had been given.</p> +<p><a name="l3.9">9</a>. My father's love for me was so great, that I +could never obtain his consent; nor could the prayers of others, whom +I persuaded to speak to him, be of any avail. The utmost I could get +from him was that I might do as I pleased after his death. I now +began to be afraid of myself, and of my own weakness--for I might go +back. So, considering that such waiting was not safe for me, I +obtained my end in another way, as I shall now relate.</p> +<hr title="Notes"> +<p><small><a name="l3note1">1</a>. <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Matt. xx. 16: <span lang="la">"Multi enim +sunt vocati, pauci vero electi."</span></small></p> +<p><small><a name="l3note2">2</a>. Juana Suarez, in the Monastery of +the incarnation, Avila (<cite lang="es">Reforma</cite>, lib. i. ch. +vii. § 7).</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l3note3">3</a>. Maria de Cepeda, married to Don +Martin Guzman y Barrientos. They lived in Castellanos de la Cañada, +where they had considerable property; but in the later years of their +lives they were in straitened circumstances (<cite>De la +Fuente</cite>). See below, <a href="#l34.24">ch. xxxiv. +§ 24</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l3note4">4</a>. Don Pedro Sanchez de Cepeda. He +lived in Hortigosa, four leagues from Avila (<cite>De +la Fuente</cite>).</small></p> +<hr title="Text"> +<h3><a name="l4.0">Chapter IV.</a></h3> +<p><big>Our Lord Helps Her to Become a Nun. Her Many +Infirmities.</big></p> +<p><a name="l4.1">1</a>. In those days, when I was thus resolved, I +had persuaded one of my brothers, [<a href="#l4note1">1</a>] by +speaking to him of the vanity of the world, to become a friar; and we +agreed together to set out one day very early in the morning for the +monastery where that friend of mine lived for whom I had so great an +affection: [<a href="#l4note2">2</a>] though I would have gone to any +other monastery, if I thought I should serve God better in it, or to +any one my father liked, so strong was my resolution now to become a +nun--for I thought more of the salvation of my soul now, and made no +account whatever of mine own ease. I remember perfectly well, and it +is quite true, that the pain I felt when I left my father's house was +so great, that I do not believe the pain of dying will be greater--for +it seemed to me as if every bone in my body were wrenched +asunder; [<a href="#l4note3">3</a>] for, as I had no love of God to +destroy my love of father and of kindred, this latter love came upon +me with a violence so great that, if our Lord had not been my keeper, +my own resolution to go on would have failed me. But He gave me +courage to fight against myself, so that I executed +my purpose. [<a href="#l4note4">4</a>]</p> +<p><a name="l4.2">2</a>. When I took the +habit, [<a href="#l4note5">5</a>] our Lord at once made me understand +how He helps those who do violence to themselves in order to serve +Him. No one observed this violence in me; they saw nothing but the +greatest good will. At that moment, because I was entering on that +state, I was filled with a joy so great, that it has never failed me +to this day; and God converted the aridity of my soul into the +greatest tenderness. Everything in religion was a delight unto me; +and it is true that now and then I used to sweep the house during +those hours of the day which I had formerly spent on my amusements and +my dress; and, calling to mind that I was delivered from such follies, +I was filled with a new joy that surprised me, nor could I understand +whence it came.</p> +<p><a name="l4.3">3</a>. Whenever I remember this, there is nothing in +the world, however hard it may be, that, if it were proposed to me, I +would not undertake without any hesitation whatever; for I know now, +by experience in many things, that if from the first I resolutely +persevere in my purpose, even in this life His Majesty rewards it in a +way which he only understands who has tried it. When the act is done +for God only, it is His will before we begin it that the soul, in +order to the increase of its merits, should be afraid; and the greater +the fear, if we do but succeed, the greater the reward, and the +sweetness thence afterwards resulting. I know this by experience, as +I have just said, in many serious affairs; and so, if I were a person +who had to advise anybody, I would never counsel any one, to whom good +inspirations from time to time may come, to resist them through fear +of the difficulty of carrying them into effect; for if a person lives +detached for the love of God only, that is no reason for being afraid +of failure, for He is omnipotent. May He be blessed for +ever! Amen.</p> +<p><a name="l4.4">4</a>. O supreme Good, and my Rest, those graces +ought to have been enough which Thou hadst given me hitherto, seeing +that Thy compassion and greatness had drawn me through so many +windings to a state so secure, to a house where there are so many +servants of God, from whom I might learn how I may advance in Thy +service. I know not how to go on, when I call to mind the +circumstances of my profession, the great resolution and joy with +which I made it, and my betrothal unto Thee. I cannot speak of it +without tears; and my tears ought to be tears of blood, my heart ought +to break, and that would not be much to suffer because of the many +offences against Thee which I have committed since that day. It seems +to me now that I had good reasons for not wishing for this dignity, +seeing that I have made so sad a use of it. But Thou, O my Lord, hast +been willing to bear with me for almost twenty years of my evil using +of Thy graces, till I might become better. It seems to me, O my God, +that I did nothing but promise never to keep any of the promises then +made to Thee. Yet such was not my intention: but I see that what I +have done since is of such a nature, that I know not what my intention +was. So it was and so it happened, that it may be the better known, O +my Bridegroom, Who Thou art and what I am.</p> +<p><a name="l4.5">5</a>. It is certainly true that very frequently the +joy I have in that the multitude of Thy mercies is made known in me, +softens the bitter sense of my great faults. In whom, O Lord, can +they shine forth as they do in me, who by my evil deeds have shrouded +in darkness Thy great graces, which Thou hadst begun to work in me? +Woe is me, O my Maker! If I would make an excuse, I have none to +offer; and I only am to blame. For if I could return to Thee any +portion of that love which Thou hadst begun to show unto me, I would +give it only unto Thee, and then everything would have been safe. +But, as I have not deserved this, nor been so happy as to have done +it, let Thy mercy, O Lord, rest upon me.</p> +<p><a name="l4.6">6</a>. The change in the habits of my life, and in +my food, proved hurtful to my health; and though my happiness was +great, that was not enough. The fainting-fits began to be more +frequent; and my heart was so seriously affected, that every one who +saw it was alarmed; and I had also many other ailments. And thus it +was I spent the first year, having very bad health, though I do not +think I offended God in it much. And as my illness was so serious--I +was almost insensible at all times, and frequently wholly so--my +father took great pains to find some relief; and as the physicians who +attended me had none to give, he had me taken to a place which had a +great reputation for the cure of other infirmities. They said I +should find relief there. [<a href="#l4note6">6</a>] That friend of +whom I have spoken as being in the house went with me. She was one of +the elder nuns. In the house where I was a nun, there was no vow +of enclosure. [<a href="#l4note7">7</a>]</p> +<p><a name="l4.7">7</a>. I remained there nearly a year, for three +months of it suffering most cruel tortures--effects of the violent +remedies which they applied. I know not how I endured them; and +indeed, though I submitted myself to them, they were, as I shall +relate, [<a href="#l4note8">8</a>] more than my constitution +could bear.</p> +<p><a name="l4.8">8</a>. I was to begin the treatment in the spring, +and went thither when winter commenced. The intervening time I spent +with my sister, of whom I spoke before, [<a href="#l4note9">9</a>] in +her house in the country, waiting for the month of April, which was +drawing near, that I might not have to go and return. The uncle of +whom I have made mention before, [<a href="#l4note10">10</a>] and +whose house was on our road, gave me a book called <cite +lang="es">Tercer Abecedario</cite>, [<a href="#l4note11">11</a>] which +treats of the prayer of recollection. Though in the first year I had +read good books--for I would read no others, because I understood now +the harm they had done me--I did not know how to make my prayer, nor +how to recollect myself. I was therefore much pleased with the book, +and resolved to follow the way of prayer it described with all my +might. And as our Lord had already bestowed upon me the gift of tears, +and I found pleasure in reading, I began to spend a certain time in +solitude, to go frequently to confession, and make a beginning of that +way of prayer, with this book for my guide; for I had no master--I +mean, no confessor--who understood me, though I sought for such a one +for twenty years afterwards: which did me much harm, in that I +frequently went backwards, and might have been even utterly lost; for, +anyhow, a director would have helped me to escape the risks I ran of +sinning against God.</p> +<p><a name="l4.9">9</a>. From the very beginning, God was most +gracious unto me. Though I was not so free from sin as the book +required, I passed that by; such watchfulness seemed to me almost +impossible. I was on my guard against mortal sin--and would to God I +had always been so!--but I was careless about venial sins, and that +was my ruin. Yet, for all this, at the end of my stay there--I spent +nearly nine months in the practice of solitude--our Lord began to +comfort me so much in this way of prayer, as in His mercy to raise me +to the prayer of quiet, and now and then to that of union, though I +understood not what either the one or the other was, nor the great +esteem I ought to have had of them. I believe it would have been a +great blessing to me if I had understood the matter. It is true that +the prayer of union lasted but a short time: I know not if it +continued for the space of an <i lang="la">Ave Maria</i>; but the +fruits of it remained; and they were such that, though I was then not +twenty years of age, I seemed to despise the world utterly; and so I +remember how sorry I was for those who followed its ways, though only +in things lawful.</p> +<p><a name="l4.10">10</a>. I used to labour with all my might to +imagine Jesus Christ, our Good and our Lord, present within me. And +this was the way I prayed. If I meditated on any mystery of His life, +I represented it to myself as within me, though the greater part of my +time I spent in reading good books, which was all my comfort; for God +never endowed me with the gift of making reflections with the +understanding, or with that of using the imagination to any good +purpose: my imagination is so sluggish, [<a href="#l4note12">12</a>] +that even if I would think of, or picture to myself, as I used to +labour to picture, our Lord's Humanity, I never could do it.</p> +<p><a name="l4.11">11</a>. And though men may attain more quickly to +the state of contemplation, if they persevere, by this way of +inability to exert the intellect, yet is the process more laborious +and painful; for if the will have nothing to occupy it, and if love +have no present object to rest on, the soul is without support and +without employment--its isolation and dryness occasion great pain, and +the thoughts assail it most grievously. Persons in this condition +must have greater purity of conscience than those who can make use of +their understanding; for he who can use his intellect in the way of +meditation on what the world is, on what he owes to God, on the great +sufferings of God for him, his own scanty service in return, and on +the reward God reserves for those who love Him, learns how to defend +himself against his own thoughts, and against the occasions and perils +of sin. On the other hand, he who has not that power is in greater +danger, and ought to occupy himself much in reading, seeing that he is +not in the slightest degree able to help himself.</p> +<p><a name="l4.12">12</a>. This way of proceeding is so exceedingly +painful, that if the master who teaches it insists on cutting off the +succours which reading gives, and requires the spending of much time +in prayer, then, I say, it will be impossible to persevere long in it: +and if he persists in his plan, health will be ruined, because it is a +most painful process. Reading is of great service towards procuring +recollection in any one who proceeds in this way; and it is even +necessary for him, however little it may be that he reads, if only as +a substitute for the mental prayer +which is beyond his reach.</p> +<p><a name="l4.13">13</a>. Now I seem to understand that it was the +good providence of our Lord over me that found no one to teach me. If +I had, it would have been impossible for me to persevere during the +eighteen years of my trial and of those great aridities because of my +inability to meditate. During all this time, it was only after +Communion that I ever ventured to begin my prayer without a book--my +soul was as much afraid to pray without one, as if it had to fight +against a host. With a book to help me--it was like a companion, and +a shield whereon to receive the blows of many thoughts--I found +comfort; for it was not usual with me to be in aridity: but I always +was so when I had no book; for my soul was disturbed, and my thoughts +wandered at once. With one, I began to collect my thoughts, and, +using it as a decoy, kept my soul in peace, very frequently by merely +opening a book--there was no necessity for more. Sometimes, I read +but little; at other times, much--according as our Lord had pity +on me.</p> +<p><a name="l4.14">14</a>. It seemed to me, in these beginnings of +which I am speaking, that there could be no danger capable of +withdrawing me from so great a blessing, if I had but books, and could +have remained alone; and I believe that, by the grace of God, it would +have been so, if I had had a master or any one to warn me against +those occasions of sin in the beginning, and, if I fell, to bring me +quickly out of them. If the devil had assailed me openly then, I +believe I should never have fallen into any grievous sin; but he was +so subtle, and I so weak, that all my good resolutions were of little +service--though, in those days in which I served God, they were very +profitable in enabling me, with that patience which His Majesty gave +me, to endure the alarming illnesses which I had to bear. I have +often thought with wonder of the great goodness of God; and my soul +has rejoiced in the contemplation of His great magnificence and mercy. +May He be blessed for ever!--for I see clearly that He has not omitted +to reward me, even in this life, for every one of my good desires. My +good works, however wretched and imperfect, have been made better and +perfected by Him Who is my Lord: He has rendered them meritorious. As +to my evil deeds and my sins, He hid them at once. The eyes of those +who saw them, He made even blind; and He has blotted them out of their +memory. He gilds my faults, makes virtue to shine forth, giving it to +me Himself, and compelling me to possess it, as it were, by force.</p> +<p><a name="l4.15">15</a>. I must now return to that which has been +enjoined me. I say, that if I had to describe minutely how our Lord +dealt with me in the beginning, it would be necessary for me to have +another understanding than that I have: so that I might be able to +appreciate what I owe to Him, together with my own ingratitude and +wickedness; for I have forgotten it all.</p> +<p>May He be blessed for ever Who has borne with me so +long! Amen.</p> +<hr title="Notes"> +<p><small><a name="l4note1">1</a>. Antonio de Ahumada; who, according +to the most probable opinion, entered the Dominican monastery of <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Thomas, Avila. It is said that he died +before he was professed. Some said he joined the Hieronymites; but +this is not so probable (<cite>De la Fuente</cite>). Ribera, however, +says that he did enter the novitiate of the Hieronymites. but died +before he was out of it (lib. i. ch. vi.).</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l4note2">2</a>. Juana Suarez, in the Monastery of +the Incarnation, Avila.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l4note3">3</a>. See <a +href="#r6.3"><cite>Relation</cite>, vi. § 3</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l4note4">4</a>. The nuns sent word to the father of +his child's escape, and of her desire to become a nun, but without any +expectation of obtaining his consent. He came to the monastery +forthwith, and "offered up his Isaac on Mount Carmel" +(<cite lang="es">Reforma</cite>, lib. i. ch. viii. § 5).</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l4note5">5</a>. The Saint entered the Monastery of +the Incarnation Nov. 2, 1533, and made her profession Nov. 3, 1534 +(<cite>Bollandists</cite> and <cite>Bouix</cite>). Ribera says she +entered November 2, 1535; and the chronicler of the Order, relying on +the contract by which her father bound himself to the monastery, says +that she took the habit Nov. 2, 1536, and that Ribera had made +a mistake.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l4note6">6</a>. Her father took her from the +monastery in the autumn of 1535, according to the Bollandists, but of +1538, according to the chronicler, who adds, that she was taken to her +uncle's house--Pedro Sanchez de Cepeda--in Hortigosa, and then to +Castellanos de la Cañada, to the house of her sister, Doña Maria, +where she remained till the spring, when she went to Bezadas for +her cure (<cite lang="es">Reforma</cite>, lib. i. ch. xi. +§ 2).</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l4note7">7</a>. It was in 1563 that all nuns were +compelled to observe enclosure (<cite>De +la Fuente</cite>).</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l4note8">8</a>. <a href="#l5.15">Ch. v. +§ 15</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l4note9">9</a>. <a href="#l3.4">Ch. iii. +§ 4</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l4note10">10</a>. <a href="#l3.5">Ch. +iii. § 5</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l4note11">11</a>. By <span lang="es">Fray</span> +Francisco de Osuna, of the Order of <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Francis (<cite lang="es">Reforma</cite>, +lib. i. ch. xi. § 2).</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l4note12">12</a>. See <a href="#l9.4">ch. +ix. §§ 4</a>, <a href="#l9.7">7</a>.</small></p> +<hr title="Text"> +<h3><a name="l5.0">Chapter V.</a></h3> +<p><big>Illness and Patience of the Saint. The Story of a Priest Whom +She Rescued from a Life of Sin.</big></p> +<p><a name="l5.1">1</a>. I forgot to say how, in the year of my +novitiate, I suffered much uneasiness about things in themselves of no +importance; but I was found fault with very often when I was +blameless. I bore it painfully and with imperfection; however, I went +through it all, because of the joy I had in being a nun. When they +saw me seeking to be alone, and even weeping over my sins at times, +they thought I was discontented, and said so.</p> +<p><a name="l5.2">2</a>. All religious observances had an attraction +for me, but I could not endure any which seemed to make me +contemptible. I delighted in being thought well of by others, and was +very exact in everything I had to do. All this I thought was a +virtue, though it will not serve as any excuse for me, because I knew +what it was to procure my own satisfaction in everything, and so +ignorance does not blot out the blame. There may be some excuse in +the fact that the monastery was not founded in great perfection. I, +wicked as I was, followed after that which I saw was wrong, and +neglected that which was good.</p> +<p><a name="l5.3">3</a>. There was then in the house a nun labouring +under a most grievous and painful disorder, for there were open ulcers +in her body, caused by certain obstructions, through which her food +was rejected. Of this sickness she soon died. All the sisters, I +saw, were afraid of her malady. I envied her patience very much; I +prayed to God that He would give me a like patience; and then, +whatever sickness it might be His pleasure to send, I do not think I +was afraid of any, for I was resolved on gaining eternal good, and +determined to gain it by any and by every means.</p> +<p><a name="l5.4">4</a>. I am surprised at myself, because then I had +not, as I believe, that love of God which I think I had after I began +to pray. Then, I had only light to see that all things that pass away +are to be lightly esteemed, and that the good things to be gained by +despising them are of great price, because they are for ever. His +Majesty heard me also in this, for in less than two years I was so +afflicted myself that the illness which I had, though of a different +kind from that of the sister, was, I really believe, not less painful +and trying for the three years it lasted, as I shall now relate.</p> +<p><a name="l5.5">5</a>. When the time had come for which I was +waiting in the place I spoke of before [<a href="#l5note1">1</a>]--I +was in my sister's house, for the purpose of undergoing the medical +treatment--they took me away with the utmost care of my comfort; that +is, my father, my sister, and the nun, my friend, who had come from +the monastery with me,--for her love for me was very great. At that +moment, Satan began to trouble my soul; God, however, brought forth a +great blessing out of that trouble.</p> +<p><a name="l5.6">6</a>. In the place to which I had gone for my cure +lived a priest of good birth and understanding, with some learning, +but not much. I went to confession to him, for I was always fond of +learned men, although confessors indifferently learned did my soul +much harm; for I did not always find confessors whose learning was as +good as I could wish it was. I know by experience that it is better, +if the confessors are good men and of holy lives, that they should +have no learning at all, than a little; for such confessors never +trust themselves without consulting those who are learned--nor would I +trust them myself: and a really learned confessor never deceived +me. [<a href="#l5note2">2</a>] Neither did the others willingly +deceive me, only they knew no better; I thought they were learned, and +that I was not under any other obligation than that of believing them, +as their instructions to me were lax, and left me more at liberty--for +if they had been strict with me, I am so wicked, I should have sought +for others. That which was a venial sin, they told me was no sin at +all; of that which was most grievously mortal, they said it +was venial. [<a href="#l5note3">3</a>]</p> +<p><a name="l5.7">7</a>. This did me so much harm, that it is no +wonder I should speak of it here as a warning to others, that they may +avoid an evil so great; for I see clearly that in the eyes of God I +was without excuse, that the things I did being in themselves not +good, this should have been enough to keep me from them. I believe +that God, by reason of my sins, allowed those confessors to deceive +themselves and to deceive me. I myself deceived many others by saying +to them what had been said to me.</p> +<p><a name="l5.8">8</a>. I continued in this blindness, I believe, +more than seventeen years, till a most learned Dominican +Father [<a href="#l5note4">4</a>] undeceived me in part, and those of +the Company of Jesus made me altogether so afraid, by insisting on the +erroneousness of these principles, as I shall +hereafter show. [<a href="#l5note5">5</a>]</p> +<p><a name="l5.9">9</a>. I began, then, by going to confession to that +priest of whom I spoke before. [<a href="#l5note6">6</a>] He took an +extreme liking to me, because I had then but little to confess in +comparison with what I had afterwards; and I had never much to say +since I became a nun. There was no harm in the liking he had for me, +but it ceased to be good, because it was in excess. He clearly +understood that I was determined on no account whatever to do anything +whereby God might be seriously offended. He, too, gave me a like +assurance about himself, and accordingly our conferences were many. +But at that time, through the knowledge and fear of God which filled +my soul, what gave me most pleasure in all my conversations with +others was to speak of God; and, as I was so young, this made him +ashamed; and then, out of that great goodwill he bore me, he began to +tell me of his wretched state. It was very sad, for he had been nearly +seven years in a most perilous condition, because of his affection +for, and conversation with, a woman of that place; and yet he used to +say Mass. The matter was so public, that his honour and good name +were lost, and no one ventured to speak to him about it. I was +extremely sorry for him, because I liked him much. I was then so +imprudent and so blind as to think it a virtue to be grateful and +loyal to one who liked me. Cursed be that loyalty which reaches so +far as to go against the law of God. It is a madness common in the +world, and it makes me mad to see it. We are indebted to God for all +the good that men do to us, and yet we hold it to be an act of virtue +not to break a friendship of this kind, though it lead us to go +against Him. Oh, blindness of the world! Let me, O Lord, be most +ungrateful to the world; never at all unto Thee. But I have been +altogether otherwise through my sins.</p> +<p><a name="l5.10">10</a>. I procured further information about the +matter from members of his household; I learned more of his ruinous +state, and saw that the poor man's fault was not so grave, because the +miserable woman had had recourse to enchantments, by giving him a +little image made of copper, which she had begged him to wear for love +of her around his neck; and this no one had influence enough to +persuade him to throw away. As to this matter of enchantments, I do +not believe it to be altogether true; but I will relate what I saw, by +way of warning to men to be on their guard against women who will do +things of this kind. And let them be assured of this, that women--for +they are more bound to purity than men--if once they have lost all +shame before God, are in nothing whatever to be trusted; and that in +exchange for the gratification of their will, and of that affection +which the devil suggests, they will hesitate at nothing.</p> +<p><a name="l5.11">11</a>. Though I have been so wicked myself, I +never fell into anything of this kind, nor did I ever attempt to do +evil; nor, if I had the power, would I have ever constrained any one +to like me, for our Lord kept me from this. But if He had abandoned +me, I should have done wrong in this, as I did in other things--for +there is nothing in me whereon anyone may rely.</p> +<p><a name="l5.12">12</a>. When I knew this, I began to show him +greater affection: my intention was good, but the act was wrong, for I +ought not to do the least wrong for the sake of any good, how great +soever it may be. I spoke to him most frequently of God; and this +must have done him good--though I believe that what touched him most +was his great affection for me, because, to do me a pleasure, he gave +me that little image of copper, and I had it at once thrown into a +river. When he had given it up, like a man roused from deep sleep, he +began to consider all that he had done in those years; and then, +amazed at himself, lamenting his ruinous state, that woman came to be +hateful in his eyes. Our Lady must have helped him greatly, for he +had a very great devotion to her Conception, and used to keep the +feast thereof with great solemnity. In short, he broke off all +relations with that woman utterly, and was never weary of giving God +thanks for the light He had given him; and at the end of the year from +the day I first saw him, he died.</p> +<p><a name="l5.13">13</a>. He had been most diligent in the service of +God; and as for that great affection he had for me, I never observed +anything wrong in it, though it might have been of greater purity. +There were also occasions wherein he might have most grievously +offended, if he had not kept himself in the near presence of God. +As I said before, [<a href="#l5note7">7</a>] I would not then have +done anything I knew was a mortal sin. And I think that observing +this resolution in me helped him to have that affection for me; for I +believe that all men must have a greater affection for those women +whom they see disposed to be good; and even for the attainment of +earthly ends, women must have more power over men because they are +good, as I shall show hereafter. I am convinced that the priest is in +the way of salvation. He died most piously, and completely withdrawn +from that occasion of sin. It seems that it was the will of our Lord +he should be saved by these means.</p> +<p><a name="l5.14">14</a>. I remained three months in that place, in +the most grievous sufferings; for the treatment was too severe for my +constitution. In two months--so strong were the medicines--my life +was nearly worn out; and the severity of the pain in the +heart, [<a href="#l5note8">8</a>] for the cure of which I was there was +much more keen: it seemed to me, now and then, as if it had been +seized by sharp teeth. So great was the torment, that it was feared +it might end in madness. There was a great loss of strength, for I +could eat nothing whatever, only drink. I had a great loathing for +food, and a fever that never left me. I was so reduced, for they had +given me purgatives daily for nearly a month, and so parched up, that +my sinews began to shrink. The pains I had were unendurable, and I +was overwhelmed in a most deep sadness, so that I had no rest either +night or day.</p> +<p><a name="l5.15">15</a>. This was the result; and thereupon my +father took me back. Then the physicians visited me again. All gave +me up; they said I was also consumptive. This gave me little or no +concern; what distressed me were the pains I had--for I was in pain +from my head down to my feet. Now, nervous pains, according to the +physicians, are intolerable; and all my nerves were shrunk. +Certainly, if I had not brought this upon myself by my sins, the +torture would have been unendurable.</p> +<p><a name="l5.16">16</a>. I was not more than three months in this +cruel distress, for it seemed impossible that so many ills could be +borne together. I now am astonished at myself, and the patience His +Majesty gave me--for it clearly came from Him--I look upon as a great +mercy of our Lord. It was a great help to me to be patient, that I +had read the story of Job, in the <cite>Morals</cite> of <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Gregory (our Lord seems to have prepared me +thereby); and that I had begun the practice of prayer, so that I might +bear it all, conforming my will to the will of God. All my +conversation was with God. I had continually these words of Job in my +thoughts and in my mouth: "If we have received good things of the +hand of our Lord, why should we not receive evil +things?" [<a href="#l5note9">9</a>] This seemed to give +me courage.</p> +<p><a name="l5.17">17</a>. The feast of our Lady, in August, came +round; from April until then I had been in great pain, but more +especially during the last three months. I made haste to go to +confession, for I had always been very fond of frequent confession. +They thought I was driven by the fear of death; and so my father, in +order to quiet me, would not suffer me to go. Oh, the unreasonable +love of flesh and blood! Though it was that of a father so Catholic +and so wise--he was very much so, and this act of his could not be the +effect of any ignorance on his part--what evil it might have +done me!</p> +<p><a name="l5.18">18</a>. That very night my sickness became so +acute, that for about four days I remained insensible. They +administered the Sacrament of the last Anointing, and every hour, or +rather every moment, thought I was dying; they did nothing but repeat +the <i lang="la">Credo</i>, as if I could have understood anything +they said. They must have regarded me as dead more than once, for I +found afterwards drops of wax on my eyelids. My father, because he +had not allowed me to go to confession, was grievously distressed. +Loud cries and many prayers were made to God: blessed be He Who +heard them.</p> +<p><a name="l5.19">19</a>. For a day-and-a-half the grave was open in +my monastery, waiting for my body; [<a href="#l5note10">10</a>] and the +Friars of our Order, in a house at some distance from this place, +performed funeral solemnities. But it pleased our Lord I should come +to myself. I wished to go to confession at once. I communicated with +many tears; but I do not think those tears had their source in that +pain and sorrow only for having offended God, which might have +sufficed for my salvation--unless, indeed, the delusion which I +laboured under were some excuse for me, and into which I had been led +by those who had told me that some things were not mortal sins which +afterwards I found were so certainly.</p> +<p><a name="l5.20">20</a>. Though my sufferings were unendurable, and +my perceptions dull, yet my confession, I believe, was complete as to +all matters wherein I understood myself to have offended God. This +grace, among others, did His Majesty bestow on me, that ever since my +first Communion never in confession have I failed to confess anything +I thought to be a sin, though it might be only a venial sin. But I +think that undoubtedly my salvation was in great peril, if I had died +at that time--partly because my confessors were so unlearned, and +partly because I was so very wicked. It is certainly true that when I +think of it, and consider how our Lord seems to have raised me up from +the dead, I am so filled with wonder, that I almost tremble +with fear. [<a href="#l5note11">11</a>]</p> +<p><a name="l5.21">21</a>. And now, O my soul, it were well for thee +to look that danger in the face from which our Lord delivered thee; +and if thou dost not cease to offend Him out of love thou shouldst do +so out of fear. He might have slain thee a thousand times, and in a +far more perilous state. I believe I exaggerate nothing if I say a +thousand times again, though he may rebuke me who has commanded me to +restrain myself in recounting my sins; and they are glossed over +enough. I pray him, for the love of God, not to suppress one of my +faults, because herein shines forth the magnificence of God, as well +as His long-suffering towards souls. May He be blessed for evermore, +and destroy me utterly, rather than let me cease to love Him +any more!</p> +<hr title="Notes"> +<p><small><a name="l5note1">1</a>. <a href="#l4.6">Ch. iv. § +6</a>. The person to whom she was taken was a woman famous for +certain cures she had wrought, but whose skill proved worse than +useless to the Saint (<cite lang="es">Reforma</cite>, lib. i. ch. xi. +§ 2).</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l5note2">2</a>. Schram, <cite +lang="la"><abbr title="Institutiones theologiæ mysticæ ad usum +directorum animarum, curatorum, omniumque perfectioni christianæ +studentium">Theolog. Mystic.</abbr></cite>, § 483. <span +lang="la">"Magni doctores scholastici, si non sint spirituales, +vel omni rerum spiritualium experientia careant, non solent esse +magistri spirituales idonei--nam theologia scholastica est perfectio +intellectus; mystica, perfectio intellectus et voluntatis: unde bonus +theologus scholasticus potest esse malus theologus mysticus. In rebus +tamen difficilibus, dubiis, spiritualibus, præstat mediocriter +spiritualem theologum consulere quam +spiritualem idiotam."</span></small></p> +<p><small><a name="l5note3">3</a>. See <cite>Way of Perfection</cite>, +ch. viii. § 2; but ch. v. Dalton's edition.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l5note4">4</a>. F. Vicente +Barron (<cite>Bouix</cite>).</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l5note5">5</a>. See <a href="#l23.0">ch. +xxiii</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l5note6">6</a>. <a href="#l5.6">§ +6</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l5note7">7</a>. <a href="#l5.9">§ +9</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l5note8">8</a>. <a href="#l4.6">Ch. iv. +§ 6</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l5note9">9</a>. Job ii. 10: <span lang="la">"Si +bona suscepimus de manu Dei, mala quare +non suscipiamus?"</span></small></p> +<p><small><a name="l5note10">10</a>. Some of the nuns of the +Incarnation were in the house, sent thither from the monastery; and, +but for the father's disbelief in her death, would have taken her home +for burial (<cite>Ribera</cite>, lib. i. ch. iv.).</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l5note11">11</a>. <cite>Ribera</cite>, lib. i. ch. +iv., says he heard Fra Bañes, in a sermon, say that the Saint told him +she had, during these four days, seen hell in a vision. And the +chronicler says that though there was bodily illness, yet it was a +trance of the soul at the same time (vol. i. lib. i. ch. xii. +§ 3).</small></p> +<hr title="Text"> +<h3><a name="l6.0">Chapter VI.</a></h3> +<p><big>The Great Debt She Owed to Our Lord for His Mercy to Her. She +Takes <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Joseph for Her Patron.</big></p> +<p><a name="l6.1">1</a>. After those four days, during which I was +insensible, so great was my distress, that our Lord alone knoweth the +intolerable sufferings I endured. My tongue was bitten to pieces; +there was a choking in my throat because I had taken nothing, and +because of my weakness, so that I could not swallow even a drop of +water; all my bones seemed to be out of joint, and the disorder of my +head was extreme. I was bent together like a coil of ropes--for to +this was I brought by the torture of those days--unable to move either +arm, or foot, or hand, or head, any more than if I had been dead, +unless others moved me; I could move, however, I think, one finger of +my right hand. Then, as to touching me, that was impossible, for I +was so bruised that I could not endure it. They used to move me in a +sheet, one holding one end, and another the other. This lasted till +Palm Sunday. [<a href="#l6note1">1</a>]</p> +<p><a name="l6.2">2</a>. The only comfort I had was this--if no one +came near me, my pains frequently ceased; and then, because I had a +little rest, I considered myself well, for I was afraid my patience +would fail: and thus I was exceedingly happy when I saw myself free +from those pains which were so sharp and constant, though in the cold +fits of an intermittent fever, which were most violent, they were +still unendurable. My dislike of food was very great.</p> +<p><a name="l6.3">3</a>. I was now so anxious to return to my +monastery, that I had myself conveyed thither in the state I was in. +There they received alive one whom they had waited for as dead; but +her body was worse than dead: the sight of it could only give pain. +It is impossible to describe my extreme weakness, for I was nothing +but bones. I remained in this state, as I have already +said, [<a href="#l6note2">2</a>] more than eight months; and was +paralytic, though getting better, for about three years. I praised +God when I began to crawl on my hands and knees. I bore all this with +great resignation, and, if I except the beginning of my illness, with +great joy; for all this was as nothing in comparison with the pains +and tortures I had to bear at first. I was resigned to the will of +God, even if He left me in this state for ever. My anxiety about the +recovery of my health seemed to be grounded on my desire to pray in +solitude, as I had been taught; for there were no means of doing so in +the infirmary. I went to confession most frequently, spoke much about +God, and in such a way as to edify everyone; and they all marvelled at +the patience which our Lord gave me--for if it had not come from the +hand of His Majesty, it seemed impossible to endure so great an +affliction with so great a joy.</p> +<p><a name="l6.4">4</a>. It was a great thing for me to have had the +grace of prayer which God had wrought in me; it made me understand +what it is to love Him. In a little while, I saw these virtues +renewed within me; still they were not strong, for they were not +sufficient to sustain me in justice. I never spoke ill in the +slightest degree whatever of any one, and my ordinary practice was to +avoid all detraction; for I used to keep most carefully in mind that I +ought not to assent to, nor say of another, anything I should not like +to have said of myself. I was extremely careful to keep this +resolution on all occasions though not so perfectly, upon some great +occasions that presented themselves, as not to break it sometimes. +But my ordinary practice was this: and thus those who were about me, +and those with whom I conversed, became so convinced that it was +right, that they adopted it as a habit. It came to be understood that +where I was, absent persons were safe; so they were also with my +friends and kindred, and with those whom I instructed. Still, for all +this, I have a strict account to give unto God for the bad example I +gave in other respects. May it please His Majesty to forgive me, for +I have been the cause of much evil; though not with intentions as +perverse as were the acts that followed.</p> +<p><a name="l6.5">5</a>. The longing for solitude remained, and I +loved to discourse and speak of God; for if I found any one with whom +I could do so, it was a greater joy and satisfaction to me than all +the refinements--or rather to speak more correctly, the real +rudeness--of the world's conversation. I communicated and confessed +more frequently still, and desired to do so; I was extremely fond of +reading good books; I was most deeply penitent for having offended +God; and I remember that very often I did not dare to pray, because I +was afraid of that most bitter anguish which I felt for having +offended God, dreading it as a great chastisement. This grew upon me +afterwards to so great a degree, that I know of no torment wherewith +to compare it; and yet it was neither more nor less because of any +fear I had at any time, for it came upon me only when I remembered the +consolations of our Lord which He gave me in prayer, the great debt I +owed Him, the evil return I made: I could not bear it. I was also +extremely angry with myself on account of the many tears I shed for my +faults, when I saw how little I improved, seeing that neither my good +resolutions, nor the pains I took, were sufficient to keep me from +falling whenever I had the opportunity. I looked on my tears as a +delusion; and my faults, therefore, I regarded as the more grievous, +because I saw the great goodness of our Lord to me in the shedding of +those tears, and together with them such deep compunction.</p> +<p><a name="l6.6">6</a>. I took care to go to confession as soon as I +could; and, as I think, did all that was possible on my part to return +to a state of grace. But the whole evil lay in my not thoroughly +avoiding the occasions of sin, and in my confessors, who helped me so +little. If they had told me that I was travelling on a dangerous +road, and that I was bound to abstain from those conversations, I +believe, without any doubt, that the matter would have been remedied, +because I could not bear to remain even for one day in mortal sin, if +I knew it.</p> +<p><a name="l6.7">7</a>. All these tokens of the fear of God came to +me through prayer; and the greatest of them was this, that fear was +swallowed up of love--for I never thought of chastisement. All the +time I was so ill, my strict watch over my conscience reached to all +that is mortal sin.</p> +<p><a name="l6.8">8</a>. O my God! I wished for health, that I might +serve Thee better; that was the cause of all my ruin. For when I saw +how helpless I was through paralysis, being still so young, and how +the physicians of this world had dealt with me, I determined to ask +those of heaven to heal me--for I wished, nevertheless, to be well, +though I bore my illness with great joy. Sometimes, too, I used to +think that if I recovered my health, and yet were lost for ever, I was +better as I was. But, for all that, I thought I might serve God much +better if I were well. This is our delusion; we do not resign +ourselves absolutely to the disposition of our Lord, Who knows best +what is for our good.</p> +<p><a name="l6.9">9</a>. I began by having Masses and prayers said for +my intention--prayers that were highly sanctioned; for I never liked +those other devotions which some people, especially women, make use of +with a ceremoniousness to me intolerable, but which move them to be +devout. I have been given to understand since that they were unseemly +and superstitious; and I took for my patron and lord the glorious +<abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Joseph, and recommended myself +earnestly to him. I saw clearly that both out of this my present +trouble, and out of others of greater importance, relating to my +honour and the loss of my soul, this my father and lord delivered me, +and rendered me greater services than I knew how to ask for. I cannot +call to mind that I have ever asked him at any time for anything which +he has not granted; and I am filled with amazement when I consider the +great favours which God hath given me through this blessed Saint; the +dangers from which he hath delivered me, both of body and of soul. To +other Saints, our Lord seems to have given grace to succour men in +some special necessity; but to this glorious Saint, I know by +experience, to help us in all: and our Lord would have us understand +that as He was Himself subject to him upon earth--for <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Joseph having the title of father, and being +His guardian, could command Him--so now in heaven He performs all his +petitions. I have asked others to recommend themselves to <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Joseph, and they too know this by experience; +and there are many who are now of late devout to +him, [<a href="#l6note3">3</a>] having had experience of +this truth.</p> +<p><a name="l6.10">10</a>. I used to keep his feast with all the +solemnity I could, but with more vanity than spirituality, seeking +rather too much splendour and effect, and yet with good intentions. I +had this evil in me, that if our Lord gave me grace to do any good, +that good became full of imperfections and of many faults; but as for +doing wrong, the indulgence of curiosity and vanity, I was very +skilful and active therein. Our Lord forgive me!</p> +<p><a name="l6.11">11</a>. Would that I could persuade all men to be +devout to this glorious Saint; for I know by long experience what +blessings he can obtain for us from God. I have never known any one +who was really devout to him, and who honoured him by particular +services, who did not visibly grow more and more in virtue; for he +helps in a special way those souls who commend themselves to him. It +is now some years since I have always on his feast asked him for +something, and I always have it. If the petition be in any way amiss, +he directs it aright for my greater good.</p> +<p><a name="l6.12">12</a>. If I were a person who had authority to +write, it would be a pleasure to me to be diffusive in speaking most +minutely of the graces which this glorious Saint has obtained for me +and for others. But that I may not go beyond the commandment that is +laid upon me, I must in many things be more brief than I could wish, +and more diffusive than is necessary in others; for, in short, I am a +person who, in all that is good, has but little discretion. But I +ask, for the love of God, that he who does not believe me will make +the trial for himself--when he will see by experience the great +good that results from commending oneself to this glorious patriarch, +and being devout to him. Those who give themselves to prayer should +in a special manner have always a devotion to <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Joseph; for I know not how any man can think +of the Queen of the angels, during the time that she suffered so much +with the Infant Jesus, without giving thanks to <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Joseph for the services he rendered them +then. He who cannot find any one to teach him how to pray, let him +take this glorious Saint for his master, and he will not wander out of +the way.</p> +<p><a name="l6.13">13</a>. May it please our Lord that I have not done +amiss in venturing to speak about <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> +Joseph; for, though I publicly profess my devotion to him, I have +always failed in my service to him and imitation of him. He was like +himself when he made me able to rise and walk, no longer a paralytic; +and I, too, am like myself when I make so bad a use of this grace.</p> +<p><a name="l6.14">14</a>. Who could have said that I was so soon to +fall, after such great consolations from God--after His Majesty had +implanted virtues in me which of themselves made me serve Him--after I +had been, as it were, dead, and in such extreme peril of eternal +damnation--after He had raised me up, soul and body, so that all who +saw me marvelled to see me alive? What can it mean, O my Lord? The +life we live is so full of danger! While I am writing this--and it +seems to me, too, by Thy grace and mercy--I may say with <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Paul, though not so truly as he did: "It +is not I who live now, but Thou, my Creator, livest in +me." [<a href="#l6note4">4</a>] For some years past, so it seems +to me, Thou hast held me by the hand; and I see in myself desires and +resolutions--in some measure tested by experience, in many ways, +during that time--never to do anything, however slight it may be, +contrary to Thy will, though I must have frequently offended Thy +Divine Majesty without being aware of it; and I also think that +nothing can be proposed to me that I should not with great resolution +undertake for Thy love. In some things Thou hast Thyself helped me to +succeed therein. I love neither the world, nor the things of the +world; nor do I believe that anything that does not come from Thee can +give me pleasure; everything else seems to me a heavy cross.</p> +<p><a name="l6.15">15</a>. Still, I may easily deceive myself, and it +may be that I am not what I say I am; but Thou knowest, O my Lord, +that, to the best of my knowledge, I lie not. I am afraid, and with +good reason, lest Thou shouldst abandon me; for I know now how far my +strength and little virtue can reach, if Thou be not ever at hand to +supply them, and to help me never to forsake Thee. May His Majesty +grant that I be not forsaken of Thee even now, when I am thinking all +this of myself!</p> +<p><a name="l6.16">16</a>. I know not how we can wish to live, seeing +that everything is so uncertain. Once, O Lord, I thought it +impossible to forsake Thee so utterly; and now that I have forsaken +Thee so often, I cannot help being afraid; for when Thou didst +withdraw but a little from me, I fell down to the ground at once. +Blessed for ever be Thou! Though I have forsaken Thee, Thou hast not +forsaken me so utterly but that Thou hast come again and raised me up, +giving me Thy hand always. Very often, O Lord, I would not take it: +very often I would not listen when Thou wert calling me again, as I am +going to show.</p> +<hr title="Notes"> +<p><small><a name="l6note1">1</a>. March 25, 1537.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l6note2">2</a>. <a href="#l5.17">Ch. v. § +17</a>. The Saint left her monastery in 1535; and in the spring of +1536 went from her sister's house to Bezadas; and in July of that year +was brought back to her father's house in Avila, wherein she remained +till Palm Sunday, 1537, when she returned to the Monastery of the +Incarnation. She had been seized with paralysis there, and laboured +under it nearly three years, from 1536 to 1539, when she was +miraculously healed through the intercession of <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Joseph (<cite>Bolland</cite>, n. 100, 101). +The dates of the Chronicler are different from these.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l6note3">3</a>. Of the devotion to <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Joseph, F. Faber (<cite>The Blessed +Sacrament</cite>, bk. ii. p. 199, 3rd ed.) says that it took its rise +in the West, in a confraternity in Avignon. "Then it spread over +the church. Gerson was raised up to be its doctor and theologian, and +<abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Teresa to be its Saint, and <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Francis of Sales to be its popular teacher +and missionary. The houses of Carmel were like the holy house of +Nazareth to it; and the colleges of the Jesuits, its peaceful sojourns +in dark Egypt."</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l6note4">4</a>. Galat. ii. 20: <span +lang="la">"Vivo autem, jam non ego; vivit vero in +me Christus."</span></small></p> +<hr title="Text"> +<h3><a name="l7.0">Chapter VII.</a></h3> +<p><big>Lukewarmness. The Loss of Grace. Inconvenience of Laxity in +Religious Houses.</big></p> +<p><a name="l7.1">1</a>. So, then, going on from pastime to pastime, +from vanity to vanity, from one occasion of sin to another, I began to +expose myself exceedingly to the very greatest dangers: my soul was so +distracted by many vanities, that I was ashamed to draw near unto God +in an act of such special friendship as that of +prayer. [<a href="#l7note1">1</a>] As my sins multiplied, I began to +lose the pleasure and comfort I had in virtuous things: and that loss +contributed to the abandonment of prayer. I see now most clearly, O +my Lord, that this comfort departed from me because I had departed +from Thee.</p> +<p><a name="l7.2">2</a>. It was the most fearful delusion into which +Satan could plunge me--to give up prayer under the pretence of +humility. I began to be afraid of giving myself to prayer, because I +saw myself so lost. I thought it would be better for me, seeing that +in my wickedness I was one of the most wicked, to live like the +multitude--to say the prayers which I was bound to say, and that +vocally: not to practise mental prayer nor commune with God so much; +for I deserved to be with the devils, and was deceiving those who were +about me, because I made an outward show of goodness; and therefore +the community in which I dwelt is not to be blamed; for with my +cunning I so managed matters, that all had a good opinion of me; and +yet I did not seek this deliberately by simulating devotion; for in +all that relates to hypocrisy and ostentation--glory be to God!--I do +not remember that I ever offended Him, [<a href="#l7note2">2</a>] so +far as I know. The very first movements herein gave me such pain, +that the devil would depart from me with loss, and the gain remained +with me; and thus, accordingly, he never tempted me much in this way. +Perhaps, however, if God had permitted Satan to tempt me as sharply +herein as he tempted me in other things, I should have fallen also +into this; but His Majesty has preserved me until now. May He be +blessed for evermore! It was rather a heavy affliction to me that I +should be thought so well of; for I knew my own secret.</p> +<p><a name="l7.3">3</a>. The reason why they thought I was not so +wicked was this: they saw that I, who was so young, and exposed to so +many occasions of sin, withdrew myself so often into solitude for +prayer, read much, spoke of God, that I liked to have His image +painted in many places, to have an oratory of my own, and furnish it +with objects of devotion, that I spoke ill of no one, and other things +of the same kind in me which have the appearance of virtue. Yet all +the while--I was so vain--I knew how to procure respect for myself by +doing those things which in the world are usually regarded +with respect.</p> +<p><a name="l7.4">4</a>. In consequence of this, they gave me as much +liberty as they did to the oldest nuns, and even more, and had great +confidence in me; for as to taking any liberty for myself, or doing +anything without leave--such as conversing through the door, or in +secret, or by night--I do not think I could have brought myself to +speak with anybody in the monastery in that way, and I never did it; +for our Lord held me back. It seemed to me--for I considered many +things carefully and of set purpose--that it would be a very evil deed +on my part, wicked as I was, to risk the credit of so many nuns, who +were all good--as if everything else I did was well done! In truth, +the evil I did was not the result of deliberation, as this would have +been, if I had done it, although it was too much so.</p> +<p><a name="l7.5">5</a>. Therefore, I think that it did me much harm +to be in a monastery not enclosed. The liberty which those who were +good might have with advantage--they not being obliged to do more than +they do, because they had not bound themselves to enclosure--would +certainly have led me, who am wicked, straight to hell, if our Lord, +by so many remedies and means of His most singular mercy, had not +delivered me out of that danger--and it is, I believe, the very +greatest danger--namely, a monastery of women unenclosed--yea, more, I +think it is, for those who will be wicked, a road to hell, rather than +a help to their weakness. This is not to be understood of my +monastery; for there are so many there who in the utmost sincerity, +and in great perfection, serve our Lord, so that His Majesty, +according to His goodness, cannot but be gracious unto them; neither +is it one of those which are most open for all religious observances +are kept in it; and I am speaking only of others which I have seen +and known.</p> +<p><a name="l7.6">6</a>. I am exceedingly sorry for these houses, +because our Lord must of necessity send His special inspirations not +merely once, but many times, if the nuns therein are to be saved, +seeing that the honours and amusements of the world are allowed among +them, and the obligations of their state are so ill-understood. God +grant they may not count that to be virtue which is sin, as I did so +often! It is very difficult to make people understand this; it is +necessary our Lord Himself should take the matter seriously into His +own hands.</p> +<p><a name="l7.7">7</a>. If parents would take my advice, now that +they are at no pains to place their daughters where they may walk in +the way of salvation without incurring a greater risk than they would +do if they were left in the world, let them look at least at that +which concerns their good name. Let them marry them to persons of a +much lower degree, rather than place them in monasteries of this kind, +unless they be of extremely good inclinations, and God grant that +these inclinations may come to good! or let them keep them at home. +If they will be wicked at home, their evil life can be hidden only for +a short time; but in monasteries it can be hidden long, and, in the +end, it is our Lord that discovers it. They injure not only +themselves, but all the nuns also. And all the while the poor things +are not in fault; for they walk in the way that is shown them. Many +of them are to be pitied; for they wished to withdraw from the world, +and, thinking to escape from the dangers of it, and that they were +going to serve our Lord, have found themselves in ten worlds at once, +without knowing what to do, or how to help themselves. Youth and +sensuality and the devil invite them and incline them to follow +certain ways which are of the essence of worldliness. They see these +ways, so to speak, considered as safe there.</p> +<p><a name="l7.8">8</a>. Now, these seem to me to be in some degree +like those wretched heretics who will make themselves blind, and who +will consider that which they do to be good, and so believe, but +without really believing; for they have within themselves something +that tells them it is wrong.</p> +<p><a name="l7.9">9</a>. Oh, what utter ruin! utter ruin of religious +persons--I am not speaking now more of women than of men--where the +rules of the Order are not kept; where the same monastery offers two +roads: one of virtue and observance, the other of inobservance, and +both equally frequented! I have spoken incorrectly: they are not +equally frequented; for, on account of our sins, the way of the +greatest imperfection is the most frequented; and because it is the +broadest, it is also the most in favour. The way of religious +observance is so little used, that the friar and the nun who would +really begin to follow their vocation thoroughly have reason to fear +the members of their communities more than all the devils together. +They must be more cautious, and dissemble more, when they would speak +of that friendship with God which they desire to have, than when they +would speak of those friendships and affections which the devil +arranges in monasteries. I know not why we are astonished that the +Church is in so much trouble, when we see those, who ought to be an +example of every virtue to others, so disfigure the work which the +spirit of the Saints departed wrought in their Orders. May it please +His Divine Majesty to apply a remedy to this, as He sees it to be +needful! Amen.</p> +<p><a name="l7.10">10</a>. So, then, when I began to indulge in these +conversations, I did not think, seeing they were customary, that my +soul must be injured and dissipated, as I afterwards found it must be, +by such conversations. I thought that, as receiving visits was so +common in many monasteries, no more harm would befall me thereby than +befell others, whom I knew to be good. I did not observe that they +were much better than I was, and that an act which was perilous for me +was not so perilous for them; and yet I have no doubt there was some +danger in it, were it nothing else but a waste of time.</p> +<p><a name="l7.11">11</a>. I was once with a person--it was at the +very beginning of my acquaintance with her when our Lord was pleased +to show me that these friendships were not good for me: to warn me +also, and in my blindness, which was so great, to give me light. +Christ stood before me, stern and grave, giving me to understand what +in my conduct was offensive to Him. I saw Him with the eyes of the +soul more distinctly than I could have seen Him with the eyes of the +body. The vision made so deep an impression upon me, that, though it +is more than twenty-six years ago, [<a href="#l7note3">3</a>] I seem to +see Him present even now. I was greatly astonished and disturbed, and +I resolved not to see that person again.</p> +<p><a name="l7.12">12</a>. It did me much harm that I did not then +know it was possible to see anything otherwise than with the eyes of +the body; [<a href="#l7note4">4</a>] so did Satan too, in that he +helped me to think so: he made me understand it to be impossible, and +suggested that I had imagined the vision--that it might be Satan +himself--and other suppositions of that kind. For all this, the +impression remained with me that the vision was from God, and not an +imagination; but, as it was not to my liking, I forced myself to lie +to myself; and as I did not dare to discuss the matter with any one, +and as great importunity was used, I went back to my former +conversation with the same person, and with others also, at different +times; for I was assured that there was no harm in seeing such a +person, and that I gained, instead of losing, reputation by doing so. +I spent many years in this pestilent amusement; for it never appeared +to me, when I was engaged in it, to be so bad as it really was, though +at times I saw clearly it was not good. But no one caused me the same +distraction which that person did of whom I am speaking; and that was +because I had a great affection for her.</p> +<p><a name="l7.13">13</a>. At another time, when I was with that +person, we saw, both of us, and others who were present also saw, +something like a great toad crawling towards us, more rapidly than +such a creature is in the habit of crawling. I cannot understand how +a reptile of that kind could, in the middle of the day, have come +forth from that place; it never had done so +before, [<a href="#l7note5">5</a>] but the impression it made on me was +such, that I think it must have had a meaning; neither have I ever +forgotten it. Oh, the greatness of God! with what care and tenderness +didst Thou warn me in every way! and how little I profited by +those warnings!</p> +<p><a name="l7.14">14</a>. There was in that house a nun, who was +related to me, now grown old, a great servant of God, and a strict +observer of the rule. She too warned me from time to time; but I not +only did not listen to her, but was even offended, thinking she was +scandalized without cause. I have mentioned this in order that my +wickedness and the great goodness of God might be understood, and to +show how much I deserved hell for ingratitude so great, and, moreover, +if it should be our Lord's will and pleasure that any nun at +any time should read this, that she might take warning by me. I +beseech them all, for the love of our Lord, to flee from such +recreations as these.</p> +<p><a name="l7.15">15</a>. May His Majesty grant I may undeceive some +one of the many I led astray when I told them there was no harm in +these things, and assured them there was no such great danger therein. +I did so because I was blind myself; for I would not deliberately lead +them astray. By the bad example I set before them--I spoke of this +before [<a href="#l7note6">6</a>]--I was the occasion of much evil, not +thinking I was doing so much harm.</p> +<p><a name="l7.16">16</a>. In those early days, when I was ill, and +before I knew how to be of use to myself, I had a very strong desire +to further the progress of others: [<a href="#l7note7">7</a>] a most +common temptation of beginners. With me, however, it had good +results. Loving my father so much, I longed to see him in the +possession of that good which I seemed to derive myself from prayer. +I thought that in this life there could not be a greater good than +prayer; and by roundabout ways, as well as I could, I contrived make +him enter upon it; I gave him books for that end. As he was so +good--I said so before [<a href="#l7note8">8</a>]--this exercise took +such a hold upon him, that in five or six years, I think it was, he +made so great a progress that I used to praise our Lord for it. It +was a very great consolation to me. He had most grievous trials of +diverse kinds; and he bore them all with the greatest resignation. He +came often to see me; for it was a comfort to him to speak of the +things of God.</p> +<p><a name="l7.17">17</a>. And now that I had become so dissipated, +and had ceased to pray, and yet saw that he still thought I was what I +used to be, I could not endure it, and so undeceived him. I had been +a year and more without praying, thinking it an act of greater +humility to abstain. This--I shall speak of it +again [<a href="#l7note9">9</a>]--was the greatest temptation I ever +had, because it very nearly wrought my utter +ruin; [<a href="#l7note10">10</a>] for, when I used to pray, if I +offended God one day, on the following days I would recollect myself, +and withdraw farther from the occasions of sin.</p> +<p><a name="l7.18">18</a>. When that blessed man, having that good +opinion of me, came to visit me, it pained me to see him so deceived +as to think that I used to pray to God as before. So I told him that +I did not pray; but I did not tell him why. I put my infirmities +forward as an excuse; for though I had recovered from that which was +so troublesome, I have always been weak, even very much so; and though +my infirmities are somewhat less troublesome now than they were, they +still afflict me in many ways; specially, I have been suffering for +twenty years from sickness every morning, [<a href="#l7note11">11</a>] +so that I could not take any food till past mid-day, and even +occasionally not till later; and now, since my Communions have become +more frequent, it is at night, before I lie down to rest, that the +sickness occurs, and with greater pain; for I have to bring it on with +a feather, or other means. If I do not bring it on, I suffer more; +and thus I am never, I believe, free from great pain, which is +sometimes very acute, especially about the heart; though the +fainting-fits are now but of rare occurrence. I am also, these eight +years past, free from the paralysis, and from other infirmities of +fever, which I had so often. These afflictions I now regard so +lightly, that I am even glad of them, believing that our Lord in some +degree takes His pleasure in them.</p> +<p><a name="l7.19">19</a>. My father believed me when I gave him that +for a reason, as he never told a lie himself; neither should I have +done so, considering the relation we were in. I told him, in order to +be the more easily believed, that it was much for me to be able to +attend in choir, though I saw clearly that this was no excuse +whatever; neither, however, was it a sufficient reason for giving +up a practice which does not require, of necessity, bodily strength, +but only love and a habit thereof; yet our Lord always furnishes an +opportunity for it, if we but seek it. I say always; for though there +may be times, as in illness, and from other causes, when we cannot be +much alone, yet it never can be but there must be opportunities when +our strength is sufficient for the purpose; and in sickness itself, +and amidst other hindrances, true prayer consists, when the soul +loves, in offering up its burden, and in thinking of Him for Whom it +suffers, and in the resignation of the will, and in a thousand ways +which then present themselves. It is under these circumstances that +love exerts itself for it is not necessarily prayer when we are alone; +and neither is it not prayer when we are not.</p> +<p><a name="l7.20">20</a>. With a little care, we may find great +blessings on those occasions when our Lord, by means of afflictions, +deprives us of time for prayer; and so I found it when I had a good +conscience. But my father, having that opinion of me which he had, and +because of the love he bore me, believed all I told him; moreover, he +was sorry for me; and as he had now risen to great heights of prayer +himself, he never remained with me long; for when he had seen me, he +went his way, saying that he was wasting his time. As I was wasting +it in other vanities, I cared little about this.</p> +<p><a name="l7.21">21</a>. My father was not the only person whom I +prevailed upon to practise prayer, though I was walking in vanity +myself. When I saw persons fond of reciting their prayers, I showed +them how to make a meditation, and helped them and gave them books; +for from the time I began myself to pray, as I said +before, [<a href="#l7note12">12</a>] I always had a desire that others +should serve God. I thought, now that I did not myself serve our Lord +according to the light I had, that the knowledge His Majesty had given +me ought not to be lost, and that others should serve Him for +me. [<a href="#l7note13">13</a>] I say this in order to explain the +great blindness I was in: going to ruin myself, and labouring to +save others.</p> +<p><a name="l7.22">22</a>. At this time, that illness befell my father +of which he died; [<a href="#l7note14">14</a>] it lasted some days. I +went to nurse him, being more sick in spirit than he was in body, +owing to my many vanities--though not, so far as I know, to the extent +of being in mortal sin--through the whole of that wretched time of +which I am speaking; for, if I knew myself to be in mortal sin, I +would not have continued in it on any account. I suffered much myself +during his illness. I believe I rendered him some service in return +for what he had suffered in mine. Though I was very ill, I did +violence to myself; and though in losing him I was to lose all the +comfort and good of my life--he was all this to me--I was so +courageous, that I never betrayed my sorrows, concealing them till he +was dead, as if I felt none at all. It seemed as if my very soul were +wrenched when I saw him at the point of death--my love for him was +so deep.</p> +<p><a name="l7.23">23</a>. It was a matter for which we ought to +praise our Lord--the death that he died, and the desire he had to die; +so also was the advice he gave us after the last anointing, how he +charged us to recommend him to God, and to pray for mercy for him, how +he bade us serve God always, and consider how all things come to an +end. He told us with tears how sorry he was that he had not served +Him himself; for he wished he was a friar--I mean, that he had been +one in the Strictest Order that is. I have a most assured conviction +that our Lord, some fifteen days before, had revealed to him he was +not to live; for up to that time, though very ill, he did not think +so; but now, though he was somewhat better, and the physicians said +so, he gave no heed to them, but employed himself in the ordering of +his soul.</p> +<p><a name="l7.24">24</a>. His chief suffering consisted in a most +acute pain of the shoulders, which never left him: it was so sharp at +times, that it put him into great torture. I said to him, that as he +had so great a devotion to our Lord carrying His cross on His +shoulders, he should now think that His Majesty wished him to feel +somewhat of that pain which He then suffered Himself. This so +comforted him, that I do not think I heard him +complain afterwards.</p> +<p><a name="l7.25">25</a>. He remained three days without +consciousness; but on the day he died, our Lord restored him so +completely, that we were astonished: he preserved his understanding to +the last; for in the middle of the creed, which he repeated himself, +he died. He lay there like an angel--such he seemed to me, if I may +sayso, both in soul and disposition: he was very good.</p> +<p><a name="l7.26">26</a>. I know not why I have said this, unless it +be for the purpose of showing how much the more I am to be blamed for +my wickedness; for after seeing such a death, and knowing what his +life had been, I, in order to be in any wise like unto such a father, +ought to have grown better. His confessor, a most learned +Dominican, [<a href="#l7note15">15</a>] used to say that he had no +doubt he went straight to heaven. [<a href="#l7note16">16</a>] He had +heard his confession for some years, and spoke with praise of the +purity of his conscience.</p> +<p><a name="l7.27">27</a>. This Dominican father, who was a very good +man, fearing God, did me a very great service; for I confessed to him. +He took upon himself the task of helping my soul in earnest, and of +making me see the perilous state I was in. [<a href="#l7note17">17</a>] +He sent me to Communion once a fortnight; [<a href="#l7note18">18</a>] +and I, by degrees beginning to speak to him, told him about my prayer. +He charged me never to omit it: that, anyhow, it could not do me +anything but good. I began to return to it--though I did not cut off +the occasions of sin--and never afterwards gave it up. My life became +most wretched, because I learned in prayer more and more of my faults. +On one side, God was calling me; on the other, I was following the +world. All the things of God gave me great pleasure; and I was a +prisoner to the things of the world. It seemed as if I wished to +reconcile two contradictions, so much at variance one with another as +are the life of the spirit and the joys and pleasures and amusements +of sense. [<a href="#l7note19">19</a>]</p> +<p><a name="l7.28">28</a>. I suffered much in prayer; for the spirit +was slave, and not master; and so I was not able to shut myself up +within myself--that was my whole method of prayer--without shutting up +with me a thousand vanities at the same time. I spent many years in +this way; and I am now astonished that any one could have borne it +without abandoning either the one or the other. I know well that it +was not in my power then to give up prayer, because He held me in His +hand Who sought me that He might show me greater mercies.</p> +<p><a name="l7.29">29</a>. O my God! if I might, I would speak of the +occasions from which God delivered me, and how I threw myself into +them again; and of the risks I ran of losing utterly my good name, +from which He delivered me. I did things to show what I was; and our +Lord hid the evil, and revealed some little virtue--if so be I had +any--and made it great in the eyes of all, so that they always held me +in much honour. For although my follies came occasionally into light, +people would not believe it when they saw other things, which they +thought good. The reason is, that He Who knoweth all things saw it +was necessary it should be so, in order that I might have some credit +given me by those to whom in after years I was to speak of His +service. His supreme munificence regarded not my great sins, but +rather the desires I frequently had to please Him, and the pain I felt +because I had not the strength to bring those desires to +good effect.</p> +<p><a name="l7.30">30</a>. O Lord of my soul! how shall I be able to +magnify the graces which Thou, in those years, didst bestow upon me? +Oh, how, at the very time that I offended Thee most, Thou didst +prepare me in a moment, by a most profound compunction, to taste of +the sweetness of Thy consolations and mercies! In truth, O my King, +Thou didst administer to me the most delicate and painful chastisement +it was possible for me to bear; for Thou knewest well what would have +given me the most pain. Thou didst chastise my sins with great +consolations. I do not believe I am saying foolish things, though it +may well be that I am beside myself whenever I call to mind my +ingratitude and my wickedness.</p> +<p><a name="l7.31">31</a>. It was more painful for me, in the state I +was in, to receive graces, when I had fallen into grievous faults, +than it would have been to receive chastisement; for one of those +faults, I am sure, used to bring me low, shame and distress me, more +than many diseases, together with many heavy trials, could have done. +For, as to the latter, I saw that I deserved them; and it seemed to me +that by them I was making some reparation for my sins, though it was +but slight, for my sins are so many. But when I see myself receive +graces anew, after being so ungrateful for those already received, +that is to me--and, I believe, to all who have any knowledge or love +of God--a fearful kind of torment. We may see how true this is by +considering what a virtuous mind must be. Hence my tears and vexation +when I reflected on what I felt, seeing myself in a condition to fall +at every moment, though my resolutions and desires then--I am speaking +of that time--were strong.</p> +<p><a name="l7.32">32</a>. It is a great evil for a soul to be alone +in the midst of such great dangers; it seems to me that if I had had +any one with whom I could have spoken of all this, it might have +helped me not to fall. I might, at least, have been ashamed before +him--and yet I was not ashamed before God.</p> +<p><a name="l7.33">33</a>. For this reason, I would advise those who +give themselves to prayer, particularly at first, to form friendships; +and converse familiarly, with others who are doing the same thing. It +is a matter of the last importance, even if it lead only to helping +one another by prayer: how much more, seeing that it has led to much +greater gain! Now, if in their intercourse one with another, and in +the indulgence of human affections even not of the best kind, men seek +friends with whom they may refresh themselves, and for the purpose of +having greater satisfaction in speaking of their empty joys, I know no +reason why it should not be lawful for him who is beginning to love +and serve God in earnest to confide to another his joys and sorrows; +for they who are given to prayer are thoroughly accustomed +to both.</p> +<p><a name="l7.34">34</a>. For if that friendship with God which he +desires be real, let him not be afraid of vain-glory; and if the first +movements thereof assail him, he will escape from it with merit; and I +believe that he who will discuss the matter with this intention will +profit both himself and those who hear him, and thus will derive more +light for his own understanding, as well as for the instruction of his +friends. He who in discussing his method of prayer falls into +vain-glory will do so also when he hears Mass devoutly, if he is seen +of men, and in doing other good works, which must be done under pain +of being no Christian; and yet these things must not be omitted +through fear of vain-glory.</p> +<p><a name="l7.35">35</a>. Moreover, it is a most important matter for +those souls who are not strong in virtue; for they have so many +people, enemies as well as friends, to urge them the wrong way, that I +do not see how this point is capable of exaggeration. It seems to me +that Satan has employed this artifice--and it is of the greatest +service to him--namely, that men who really wish to love and please +God should hide the fact, while others, at his suggestion, make open +show of their malicious dispositions; and this is so common, that it +seems a matter of boasting now, and the offences committed against God +are thus published abroad.</p> +<p><a name="l7.36">36</a>. I do not know whether the things I am +saying are foolish or not. If they be so, your reverence will strike +them out. I entreat you to help my simplicity by adding a good deal +to this, because the things that relate to the service of God are so +feebly managed, that it is necessary for those who would serve Him to +join shoulder to shoulder, if they are to advance at all; for it is +considered safe to live amidst the vanities and pleasures of the +world, and few there be who regard them with unfavourable eyes. But +if any one begins to give himself up to the service of God, there are +so many to find fault with him, that it becomes necessary for him to +seek companions, in order that he may find protection among them till +he grows strong enough not to feel what he may be made to suffer. If +he does not, he will find himself in great straits.</p> +<p><a name="l7.37">37</a>. This, I believe, must have been the reason +why some of the Saints withdrew into the desert. And it is a kind of +humility in man not to trust to himself, but to believe that God will +help him in his relations with those with whom he converses; and +charity grows by being diffused; and there are a thousand blessings +herein which I would not dare to speak of, if I had not known by +experience the great importance of it. It is very true that I am the +most wicked and the basest of all who are born of women; but I believe +that he who, humbling himself, though strong, yet trusteth not in +himself, and believeth another who in this matter has had experience, +will lose nothing. Of myself I may say that, if our Lord had not +revealed to me this truth, and given me the opportunity of speaking +very frequently to persons given to prayer, I should have gone on +falling and rising till I tumbled into hell. I had many friends to +help me to fall; but as to rising again, I was so much left to myself, +that I wonder now I was not always on the ground. I praise God for +His mercy; for it was He only Who stretched out His hand to me. May +He be blessed for ever! Amen.</p> +<hr title="Notes"> +<p><small><a name="l7note1">1</a>. See <cite>Way of Perfection</cite>, +ch. xl.; but ch. xxvii. of the former editions.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l7note2">2</a>. See <a +href="#r1.18"><cite>Relation</cite>, i. +§ 18</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l7note3">3</a>. A.D. 1537, when the Saint was +twenty-two years old (<cite>Bouix</cite>). This passage, therefore, +must he one of the additions to the second Life; for the first was +written in 1562, twenty-five years only after the vision.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l7note4">4</a>. See <a href="#l27.3">ch. +xxvii. § 3</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l7note5">5</a>. In the parlour of the monastery of +the Incarnation, Avila, a painting of this is preserved to this day +(<cite>De la Fuente</cite>).</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l7note6">6</a>. <a href="#l6.4">Ch. vi. § +4</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l7note7">7</a>. See <cite>Inner Fortress</cite>, v. +iii. § 1.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l7note8">8</a>. <a href="#l1.1">Ch. i. § +i</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l7note9">9</a>. <a href="#l19.9">Ch. +xix. §§ 9</a>, <a href="#l19.17">17</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l7note10">10</a>. See <a href="#l7.2">§ 2</a>, +above.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l7note11">11</a>. See <a +href="#l11.23">ch. xi. § 23</a>: <cite>Inner +Fortress</cite>, vi. i. § 8.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l7note12">12</a>. <a +href="#l7.16">§ 16</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l7note13">13</a>. See <cite>Inner Fortress</cite>, +v. iii. § 1.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l7note14">14</a>. In 1541, when the Saint was +twenty-five years of age (<cite>Bouix</cite>).</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l7note15">15</a>. F. Vicente Barron +(<cite lang="es">Reforma</cite>, lib. i. ch. xv.).</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l7note16">16</a>. See <a +href="#l38.1">ch. xxxviii. § 1</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l7note17">17</a>. See <a +href="#l19.19">ch. xix. § 19</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l7note18">18</a>. The Spanish editor calls +attention to this as a proof of great laxity in those days--that a nun +like <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Teresa should be urged to +communicate as often as once in a fortnight.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l7note19">19</a>. See <a +href="#l13.7">ch. xiii. §§ 7, 8</a>.</small></p> +<hr title="Text"> +<h3><a name="l8.0">Chapter VIII.</a></h3> +<p><big>The Saint Ceases Not to Pray. Prayer the Way to Recover What +Is Lost. All Exhorted to Pray. The Great Advantage of Prayer, Even +to Those Who May Have Ceased from It.</big></p> +<p><a name="l8.1">1</a>. It is not without reason that I have dwelt so +long on this portion of my life. I see clearly that it will give no +one pleasure to see anything so base; and certainly I wish those who +may read this to have me in abhorrence, as a soul so obstinate and so +ungrateful to Him Who did so much for me. I could wish, too, I had +permission to say how often at this time I failed in my duty to God, +because I was not leaning on the strong pillar of prayer. I passed +nearly twenty years on this stormy sea, falling and rising, but rising +to no good purpose, seeing that I went and fell again. My life was +one of perfection; but it was so mean, that I scarcely made any +account whatever of venial sins; and though of mortal sins I was +afraid, I was not so afraid of them as I ought to have been, because I +did not avoid the perilous occasions of them. I may say that it was +the most painful life that can be imagined, because I had no sweetness +in God, and no pleasure in the world.</p> +<p><a name="l8.2">2</a>. When I was in the midst of the pleasures of +the world, the remembrance of what I owed to God made me sad; and when +I was praying to God, my worldly affections disturbed me. This is so +painful a struggle, that I know not how I could have borne it for a +month, let alone for so many years. Nevertheless, I can trace +distinctly the great mercy of our Lord to me, while thus immersed in +the world, in that I had still the courage to pray. I say courage, +because I know of nothing in the whole world which requires greater +courage than plotting treason against the King, knowing that He knows +it, and yet never withdrawing from His presence; for, granting that we +are always in the presence of God, yet it seems to me that those who +pray arc in His presence in a very different sense; for they, as it +were, see that He is looking upon them; while others may be for days +together without even once recollecting that God sees them.</p> +<p><a name="l8.3">3</a>. It is true, indeed, that during these years +there were many months, and, I believe, occasionally a whole year, in +which I so kept guard over myself that I did not offend our Lord, gave +myself much to prayer, and took some pains, and that successfully, not +to offend Him. I speak of this now, because all I am saying is +strictly true; but I remember very little of those good days, and so +they must have been few, while my evil days were many. Still, the +days that passed over without my spending a great part of them in +prayer were few, unless I was very ill, or very much occupied.</p> +<p><a name="l8.4">4</a>. When I was ill, I was well with God. I +contrived that those about me should be so, too, and I made +supplications to our Lord for this grace, and spoke frequently of Him. +Thus, with the exception of that year of which I have been speaking, +during eight-and-twenty years of prayer, I spent more than eighteen in +that strife and contention which arose out of my attempts to reconcile +God and the world. As to the other years, of which I have now to +speak, in them the grounds of the warfare, though it was not slight, +were changed; but inasmuch as I was--at least, I think so--serving +God, and aware of the vanity of the world, all has been pleasant, as I +shall show hereafter. [<a href="#l8note1">1</a>]</p> +<p><a name="l8.5">5</a>. The reason, then, of my telling this at so +great a length is that, as I have just said, [<a href="#l8note2">2</a>] +the mercy of God and my ingratitude, on the one hand, may become +known; and, on the other, that men may understand how great is the +good which God works in a soul when He gives it a disposition to pray +in earnest, though it may not be so well prepared as it ought to be. +If that soul perseveres in spite of sins, temptations, and relapses, +brought about in a thousand ways by Satan, our Lord will bring it at +last--I am certain of it--to the harbour of salvation, as He has +brought me myself; for so it seems to me now. May His Majesty grant I +may never go back and be lost! He who gives himself to prayer is in +possession of a great blessing, of which many saintly and good men +have written--I am speaking of mental prayer--glory be to God for it; +and, if they had not done so, I am not proud enough, though I have but +little humility, to presume to discuss it.</p> +<p><a name="l8.6">6</a>. I may speak of that which I know by +experience; and so I say, let him never cease from prayer who has once +begun it, be his life ever so wicked; for prayer is the way to amend +it, and without prayer such amendment will be much more difficult. +Let him not be tempted by Satan, as I was, to give it up, on the +pretence of humility; [<a href="#l8note3">3</a>] let him rather believe +that His words are true Who says that, if we truly repent, and resolve +never to offend Him, He will take us into His favour +again, [<a href="#l8note4">4</a>] give us the graces He gave us before, +and occasionally even greater, if our repentance deserve it. And as +to him who has not begun to pray, I implore him by the love of our +Lord not to deprive himself of so great a good.</p> +<p><a name="l8.7">7</a>. Herein there is nothing to be afraid +of, but everything to hope for. Granting that such a one does not +advance, nor make an effort to become perfect, so as to merit the joys +and consolations which the perfect receive from God, yet he will by +little and little attain to a knowledge of the road which leads to +heaven. And if he perseveres, I hope in the mercy of God for him, +seeing that no one ever took Him for his friend that was not amply +rewarded; for mental prayer is nothing else, in my opinion, but being +on terms of friendship with God, frequently conversing in secret with +Him Who, we know, loves us. Now, true love and lasting friendship +require certain dispositions: those of our Lord, we know, are +absolutely perfect; ours, vicious, sensual, and thankless; and you +cannot therefore, bring yourselves to love Him as He loves you, +because you have not the disposition to do so; and if you do not love +Him, yet, seeing how much it concerns you to have His friendship, and +how great is His love for you, rise above that pain you feel at being +much with Him Who is so different from you.</p> +<p><a name="l8.8">8</a>. O infinite goodness of my God! I seem to see +Thee and myself in this relation to one another. O Joy of the angels! +when I consider it, I wish I could wholly die of love! How true it is +that Thou endurest those who will not endure Thee! Oh, how good a +friend art Thou, O my Lord! how Thou comfortest and endurest, and also +waitest for them to make themselves like unto Thee, and yet, in the +meanwhile, art Thyself so patient of the state they are in! Thou +takest into account the occasions during which they seek Thee, and for +a moment of penitence forgettesttheir offences against Thyself.</p> +<p><a name="l8.9">9</a>. I have seen this distinctly in my own case, +and I cannot tell why the whole world does not labour to draw near to +Thee in this particular friendship. The wicked, who do not resemble +Thee, ought to do so, in order that Thou mayest make them good, +and for that purpose should permit Thee to remain with them at least +for two hours daily, even though they may not remain with Thee but, as +I used to do, with a thousand distractions, and with worldly thoughts. +In return for this violence which they offer to themselves for the +purpose of remaining in a company so good as Thine--for at first they +can do no more, and even afterwards at times--Thou, O Lord, defendest +them against the assaults of evil spirits, whose power Thou +restrainest, and even lessenest daily, giving to them the victory over +these their enemies. So it is, O Life of all lives, Thou slayest none +that put their trust in Thee, and seek Thy friendship; yea, rather, +Thou sustainest their bodily life in greater vigour, and makest their +soul to live.</p> +<p><a name="l8.10">10</a>. I do not understand what there can be to +make them afraid who are afraid to begin mental prayer, nor do I know +what it is they dread. The devil does well to bring this fear upon +us, that he may really hurt us by putting me in fear, he can make me +cease from thinking of my offences against God, of the great debt I +owe Him, of the existence of heaven and hell, and of the great sorrows +and trials He underwent for me. That was all my prayer, and had been, +when I was in this dangerous state, and it was on those subjects I +dwelt whenever I could; and very often, for some years, I was more +occupied with the wish to see the end of the time I had appointed for +myself to spend in prayer, and in watching the hour-glass, than with +other thoughts that were good. If a sharp penance had been laid upon +me, I know of none that I would not very often have willingly +undertaken, rather than prepare myself for prayer by +self-recollection. And certainly the violence with which Satan +assailed me was so irresistible, or my evil habits were so strong, +that I did not betake myself to prayer; and the sadness I felt on +entering the oratory was so great, that it required all the courage I +had to force myself in. They say of me that my courage is not slight, +and it is known that God has given me a courage beyond that of a +woman; but I have made a bad use of it. In the end, our Lord came to +my help; and then, when I had done this violence to myself, I found +greater peace and joy than I sometimes had when I had a desire +to pray.</p> +<p><a name="l8.11">11</a>. If, then, our Lord bore so long with me, +who was so wicked--and it is plain that it was by prayer all my evil +was corrected--why should any one, how wicked soever he may be, have +any fear? Let him be ever so wicked, he will not remain in his +wickedness so many years as I did, after receiving so many graces from +our Lord. Is there any one who can despair, when He bore so long with +me, only because I desired and contrived to find some place and some +opportunities for Him to be alone with me--and that very often against +my will? for I did violence to myself, or rather our Lord Himself did +violence to me.</p> +<p><a name="l8.12">12</a>. If, then, to those who do not serve God, +but rather offend Him, prayer be all this, and so necessary, and if no +one can really find out any harm it can do him, and if the omission of +it be not a still greater harm, why, then, should they abstain from it +who serve and desire to serve God? Certainly I cannot comprehend it, +unless it be that men have a mind to go through the troubles of this +life in greater misery, and to shut the door in the face of God, so +that He shall give them no comfort in it. I am most truly sorry for +them, because they serve God at their own cost; for of those who pray, +God Himself defrays the charges, seeing that for a little trouble He +gives sweetness, in order that, by the help it supplies, they may bear +their trials.</p> +<p><a name="l8.13">13</a>. But because I have much to say hereafter of +this sweetness, which our Lord gives to those who persevere in +prayer, [<a href="#l8note5">5</a>] I do not speak of it here; only this +will I say: prayer is the door to those great graces which our Lord +bestowed upon me. If this door be shut, I do not see how He can +bestow them; for even if He entered into a soul to take His delight +therein, and to make that soul also delight in Him, there is no way by +which He can do so; for His will is, that such a soul should be lonely +and pure, with a great desire to receive His graces. If we put many +hindrances in the way, and take no pains whatever to remove them, how +can He come to us, and how can we have any desire that He should show +us His great mercies?</p> +<p><a name="l8.14">14</a>. I will speak now--for it is very important +to understand it--of the assaults which Satan directs against a soul +for the purpose of taking it, and of the contrivances and compassion +wherewith our Lord labours to convert it to Himself, in order that men +may behold His mercy, and the great good it was for me that I did not +give up prayer and spiritual reading, and that they may be on their +guard against the dangers against which I was not on my guard myself. +And, above all, I implore them for the love of our Lord, and for the +great love with which He goeth about seeking our conversion to +Himself, to beware of the occasions of sin; for once placed therein, +we have no ground to rest on--so many enemies then assail us, and our +own weakness is such, that we cannot defend ourselves.</p> +<p><a name="l8.15">15</a>. Oh, that I knew how to describe the +captivity of my soul in those days! I understood perfectly that I was +in captivity, but I could not understand the nature of it; neither +could I entirely believe that those things which my confessors did not +make so much of were so wrong as I in my soul felt them to be. One of +them--I had gone to him with a scruple--told me that, even if I were +raised to high contemplation, those occasions and conversations were +not unfitting for me. This was towards the end, when, by the grace of +God, I was withdrawing more and more from those great dangers, but not +wholly from the occasions of them.</p> +<p><a name="l8.16">16</a>. When they saw my good desires, and how I +occupied myself in prayer, I seemed to them to have done much; but my +soul knew that this was not doing what I was bound to do for Him to +Whom I owed so much. I am sorry for my poor soul even now, because of +its great sufferings, and the little help it had from any one except +God, and for the wide door that man opened for it, that it might go +forth to its pastimes and pleasures, when they said that these things +were lawful.</p> +<p><a name="l8.17">17</a>. Then there was the torture of sermons, and +that not a slight one; for I was very fond of them. If I heard any +one preach well and with unction, I felt, without my seeking it, a +particular affection for him, neither do I know whence it came. Thus, +no sermon ever seemed to me so bad, but that I listened to it with +pleasure; though, according to others who heard it, the preaching was +not good. If it was a good sermon, it was to me a most special +refreshment. To speak of God, or to hear Him spoken of, never wearied +me. I am speaking of the time after I gave myself to prayer. At one +time I had great comfort in sermons, at another they distressed me, +because they made me feel that I was very far from being what I ought +to have been.</p> +<p><a name="l8.18">18</a>. I used to pray to our Lord for help; but, +as it now seems to me, I must have committed the fault of not putting +my whole trust in His Majesty, and of not thoroughly distrusting +myself. I sought for help, took great pains; but it must be that I +did not understand how all is of little profit if we do not root out +all confidence in ourselves, and place it wholly in God. I wished to +live, but I saw clearly that I was not living, but rather wrestling +with the shadow of death; there was no one to give me life, and I was +not able to take it. He Who could have given it me had good reasons +for not coming to my aid, seeing that He had brought me back to +Himself so many times, and I as often had left Him.</p> +<hr title="Notes"> +<p><small><a name="l8note1">1</a>. <a href="#l9.10">Ch. ix. + § 10</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l8note2">2</a>. <a href="#l8.1">§ 1</a>, +above.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l8note3">3</a>. <a href="#l7.17">Ch. +vii. § 17</a>; <a href="#l19.8">ch. xix. +§ 8</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l8note4">4</a>. Ezech. xviii. 21: <span +lang="la">"Si autem impius egerit poenitentiam, . . . vita vivet, +et non morietur. Omnium iniquitatum ejus . . . non +recordabor."</span></small></p> +<p><small><a name="l8note5">5</a>. See <a href="#l10.2">ch. +x. § 2</a>, and <a href="#l11.22">ch. xi. +§ 22</a>.</small></p> +<hr title="Text"> +<h3><a name="l9.0">Chapter IX.</a></h3> +<p><big>The Means Whereby Our Lord Quickened Her Soul, Gave Her Light +in Her Darkness, and Made Her Strong in Goodness.</big></p> +<p><a name="l9.1">1</a>. My soul was now grown weary; and the +miserable habits it had contracted would not suffer it to rest, though +it was desirous of doing so. It came to pass one day, when I went +into the oratory, that I saw a picture which they had put by there, +and which had been procured for a certain feast observed in the house. +It was a representation of Christ most grievously wounded; and so +devotional, that the very sight of it, when I saw it, moved me--so +well did it show forth that which He suffered for us. So keenly did I +feel the evil return I had made for those wounds, that I thought my +heart was breaking. I threw myself on the ground beside it, my tears +flowing plenteously, and implored Him to strengthen me once for all, +so that I might never offend Him any more.</p> +<p><a name="l9.2">2</a>. I had a very great devotion to the glorious +Magdalene, and very frequently used to think of her +conversion--especially when I went to Communion. As I knew for +certain that our Lord was then within me, I used to place myself at +His feet, thinking that my tears would not be despised. I did not +know what I was saying; only He did great things for me, in that He +was pleased I should shed those tears, seeing that I so soon forgot +that impression. I used to recommend myself to that glorious Saint, +that she might obtain my pardon.</p> +<p><a name="l9.3">3</a>. But this last time, before that picture of +which I am speaking, I seem to have made greater progress; for I was +now very distrustful of myself, placing all my confidence in God. It +seems to me that I said to Him then that I would not rise up till He +granted my petition. I do certainly believe that this was of great +service to me, because I have grown better +ever since. [<a href="#l9note1">1</a>]</p> +<p><a name="l9.4">4</a>. This was my method of prayer: as I could not +make reflections with my understanding, I contrived to picture Christ +as within me; [<a href="#l9note2">2</a>] and I used to find myself the +better for thinking of those mysteries of His life during which He was +most lonely. It seemed to me that the being alone and afflicted, like +a person in trouble, must needs permit me to come near unto Him.</p> +<p><a name="l9.5">5</a>. I did many simple things of this kind; and in +particular I used to find myself most at home in the prayer in the +Garden, whither I went in His company. I thought of the bloody sweat, +and of the affliction He endured there; I wished, if it had been +possible, to wipe away that painful sweat from His face; but I +remember that I never dared to form such a resolution--my sins stood +before me so grievously. I used to remain with Him there as long as +my thoughts allowed me, and I had many thoughts to torment me. For +many years, nearly every night before I fell asleep, when I +recommended myself to God, that I might sleep in peace, I used always +to think a little of this mystery of the prayer in the Garden--yea, +even before I was a nun, because I had been told that many indulgences +were to be gained thereby. For my part, I believe that my soul gained +very much in this way, because I began to practise prayer without +knowing what it was; and now that it had become my constant habit, I +was saved from omitting it, as I was from omitting to bless myself +with the sign of the cross before I slept.</p> +<p><a name="l9.6">6</a>. And now to go back to what I was saying of +the torture which my thoughts inflicted upon me. This method of +praying, in which the understanding makes no reflections, hath this +property: the soul must gain much, or lose. I mean, that those who +advance without meditation, make great progress, because it is done by +love. But to attain to this involves great labour, except to those +persons whom it is our Lord's good pleasure to lead quickly to the +prayer of quiet. I know of some. For those who walk in this way, a +book is profitable, that by the help thereof they may the more quickly +recollect themselves. It was a help to me also to look on fields, +water, and flowers. [<a href="#l9note3">3</a>] In them I saw traces of +the Creator--I mean, that the sight of these things was as a book unto +me; it roused me, made me recollected, and reminded me of my +ingratitude and of my sins. My understanding was so dull, that I +could never represent in the imagination either heavenly or high +things in any form whatever until our Lord placed them before me in +another way. [<a href="#l9note4">4</a>]</p> +<p><a name="l9.7">7</a>. I was so little able to put things before me +by the help of my understanding, that, unless I saw a thing with my +eyes, my imagination was of no use whatever. I could not do as others +do, who can put matters before themselves so as to become thereby +recollected. I was able to think of Christ only as man. But so it +was; and I never could form any image of Him to myself, though I read +much of His beauty, and looked at pictures of Him. I was like one who +is blind, or in the dark, who, though speaking to a person present, +and feeling his presence, because he knows for certain that he is +present--I mean, that he understands him to be present, and believes +it--yet does not see him. It was thus with me when I used to think of +our Lord. This is why I was so fond of images. Wretched are they +who, through their own fault, have lost this blessing; it is clear +enough that they do not love our Lord--for if they loved Him, they +would rejoice at the sight of His picture, just as men find pleasure +when they see the portrait of one they love.</p> +<p><a name="l9.8">8</a>. At this time, the <cite>Confessions</cite> of +<abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Augustine were given me. Our Lord +seems to have so ordained it, for I did not seek them myself, neither +had I ever seen them before. I had a very great devotion to <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Augustine, because the monastery in which I +lived when I was yet in the world was of his +Order; [<a href="#l9note5">5</a>] and also because he had been a +sinner--for I used to find great comfort in those Saints whom, after +they had sinned, our Lord converted to Himself. I thought they would +help me, and that, as our Lord had forgiven them, so also He would +forgive me. One thing, however, there was that troubled me--I have +spoken of it before [<a href="#l9note6">6</a>]--our Lord had called +them but once, and they never relapsed; while my relapses were now so +many. This it was that vexed me. But calling to mind the love that +He bore me, I took courage again. Of His mercy I never doubted once, +but I did very often of myself.</p> +<p><a name="l9.9">9</a>. O my God, I amazed at the hardness of my +heart amidst so many succours from Thee. I am filled with dread when +I see how little I could do with myself, and how I was clogged, so +that I could not resolve to give myself entirely to God. When I began +to read the <cite>Confessions</cite>, I thought I saw myself there +described, and began to recommend myself greatly to this glorious +Saint. When I came to his conversion, and read how he heard that +voice in the garden, it seemed to me nothing less than that our Lord +had uttered it for me: I felt so in my heart. I remained for some +time lost in tears, in great inward affliction and distress. O my +God, what a soul has to suffer because it has lost the liberty it had +of being mistress over itself! and what torments it has to endure! I +wonder now how I could live in torments so great: God be praised Who +gave me life, so that I might escape from so fatal a death! I believe +that my soul obtained great strength from His Divine Majesty, and that +He must have heard my cry, and had compassion upon so many tears.</p> +<p><a name="l9.10">10</a>. A desire to spend more time with Him began +to grow within me, and also to withdraw from the occasions of sin: for +as soon as I had done so, I turned lovingly to His Majesty at once. I +understood clearly, as I thought, that I loved Him; but I did not +understand, as I ought to have understood it, wherein the true love of +God consists. I do not think I had yet perfectly disposed myself to +seek His service when His Majesty turned towards me with His +consolations. What others strive after with great labour, our Lord +seems to have looked out for a way to make me willing to accept--that +is, in these later years to give me joy and comfort. But as for +asking our Lord to give me either these things or sweetness in +devotion, I never dared to do it; the only thing I prayed Him to give +me was the grace never to offend Him, together with the forgiveness of +my great sins. When I saw that my sins were so great, I never +ventured deliberately to ask for consolation or for sweetness. He had +compassion enough upon me, I think--and, in truth, He dealt with me +according to His great mercy--when He allowed me to stand before Him, +and when He drew me into His presence; for I saw that, if He had not +drawn me, I should not have come at all.</p> +<p><a name="l9.11">11</a>. Once only in my life do I remember asking +for consolation, being at the time in great aridities. When I +considered what I had done, I was so confounded, that the very +distress I suffered from seeing how little humility I had, brought me +that which I had been so bold as to ask for. I knew well that it was +lawful to pray for it; but it seemed to me that it is lawful only for +those who are in good dispositions, who have sought with all their +might to attain to true devotion--that is, not to offend God, and to +be disposed and resolved for all goodness. I looked upon those tears +of mine as womanish and weak, seeing that I did not obtain my desires +by them; nevertheless, I believe that they did me some service; for, +specially after those two occasions of great compunction and sorrow of +heart, [<a href="#l9note7">7</a>] accompanied by tears, of which I am +speaking, I began in an especial way to give myself more to prayer, +and to occupy myself less with those things which did me harm--though +I did not give them up altogether. But God Himself, as I have just +said, came to my aid, and helped me to turn away from them. As His +Majesty was only waiting for some preparation on my part, the +spiritual graces grew in me as I shall now explain. It is not the +custom of our Lord to give these graces to any but to those who keep +their consciences in greater pureness. [<a href="#l9note8">8</a>]</p> +<hr title="Notes"> +<p><small><a name="l9note1">1</a>. In the year 1555 +(<cite>Bouix</cite>).</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l9note2">2</a>. See <a href="#l4.10">ch. +iv. § 10</a>; <a href="#l10.1">ch. x. § 1</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l9note3">3</a>. See <a +href="#r1.12"><cite>Relation</cite>, i. +§ 12</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l9note4">4</a>. See <a href="#l4.11">ch. +iv. § 11</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l9note5">5</a>. <a href="#l2.8">Ch. ii. +§ 8</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l9note6">6</a>. In the <a +href="#prologue">Prologue</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l9note7">7</a>. <a href="#l9.1">§ +1</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l9note8">8</a>. <a href="#l4.11">Ch. iv. +§ 11</a>.</small></p> +<hr title="Text"> +<h3><a name="l10.0">Chapter X.</a></h3> +<p><big>The Graces She Received in Prayer. What We Can Do Ourselves. +The Great Importance of Understanding What Our Lord Is Doing for Us. +She Desires Her Confessors to Keep Her Writings Secret, Because of the +Special Graces of Our Lord to Her, Which They Had Commanded Her +to Describe.</big></p> +<p><a name="l10.1">1</a>. I used to have at times, as I have +said, [<a href="#l10note1">1</a>] though it used to pass quickly +away--certain commencements of that which I am going now to describe. +When I formed those pictures within myself of throwing myself at the +feet of Christ, as I said before, [<a href="#l10note2">2</a>] and +sometimes even when I was reading, a feeling of the presence of God +would come over me unexpectedly, so that I could in no wise doubt +either that He was within me, or that I was wholly absorbed in Him. +It was not by way of vision; I believe it was what is called +mystical theology. The soul is suspended in such a way that it seems +to be utterly beside itself. The will loves; the memory, so it seems +to me, is as it were lost; and the understanding, so I think, makes no +reflections--yet is not lost: as I have just said, it is not at work, +but it stands as if amazed at the greatness of the things it +understands; for God wills it to understand that it understands +nothing whatever of that which His Majesty places before it.</p> +<p><a name="l10.2">2</a>. Before this, I had a certain tenderness of +soul which was very abiding, partially attainable, I believe, in some +measure, by our own efforts: a consolation which is not wholly in the +senses, nor yet altogether in the spirit, but is all of it the gift of +God. However, I think we can contribute much towards the attaining of +it by considering our vileness and our ingratitude towards God--the +great things He has done for us--His Passion, with its grievous +pains--and His life, so full of sorrows; also, by rejoicing in the +contemplation of His works, of His greatness, and of the love that He +bears us. Many other considerations there are which he who really +desires to make progress will often stumble on, though he may not be +very much on the watch for them. If with this there be a little love, +the soul is comforted, the heart is softened, and tears flow. +Sometimes it seems that we do violence to ourselves and weep; at other +times, our Lord seems to do so, so that we have no power to resist +Him. His Majesty seems to reward this slight carefulness of ours with +so grand a gift as is this consolation which He ministers to the soul +of seeing itself weeping for so great a Lord. I am not surprised; for +the soul has reason enough, and more than enough, for its joy. Here +it comforts itself--here it rejoices.</p> +<p><a name="l10.3">3</a>. The comparison which now presents itself +seems to me to be good. These joys in prayer are like what those of +heaven must be. As the vision of the saints, which is measured by +their merits there, reaches no further than our Lord wills, and as the +blessed see how little merit they had, every one of them is satisfied +with the place assigned him: there being the very greatest difference +between one joy and another in heaven, and much greater than between +one spiritual joy and another on earth--which is, however, very great. +And in truth, in the beginning, a soul in which God works this grace +thinks that now it has scarcely anything more to desire, and counts +itself abundantly rewarded for all the service it has rendered Him. +And there is reason for this: for one of those tears--which, as I have +just said, are almost in our own power, though without God nothing can +be done--cannot, in my opinion, be purchased with all the labours of +the world, because of the great gain it brings us. And what greater +gain can we have than some testimony of our having pleased God? Let +him, then, who shall have attained to this, give praise unto +God--acknowledge himself to be one of His greatest debtors; because it +seems to be His will to take him into His house, having chosen him for +His kingdom, if he does not turn back.</p> +<p><a name="l10.4">4</a>. Let him not regard certain kinds of humility +which exist, and of which I mean to speak. [<a href="#l10note3">3</a>] +Some think it humility not to believe that God is bestowing His gifts +upon them. Let us clearly understand this, and that it is perfectly +clear God bestows His gifts without any merit whatever on our part; +and let us be grateful to His Majesty for them; for if we do not +recognize the gifts received at His hands, we shall never be moved to +love Him. It is a most certain truth, that the richer we see +ourselves to be, confessing at the same time our poverty, the greater +will be our progress, and the more real our humility.</p> +<p><a name="l10.5">5</a>. An opposite course tends to take away all +courage; for we shall think ourselves incapable of great blessings, if +we begin to frighten ourselves with the dread of vain-glory when our +Lord begins to show His mercy upon us. [<a href="#l10note4">4</a>] +Let us believe that He Who gives these gifts will also, when the devil +begins to tempt us herein, give us the grace to detect him, and the +strength to resist him--that is, He will do so if we walk in +simplicity before God, aiming at pleasing Him only, and not men. It +is a most evident truth, that our love for a person is greater, the +more distinctly we remember the good he has done us.</p> +<p><a name="l10.6">6</a>. If, then, it is lawful, and so meritorious, +always to remember that we have our being from God, that He has +created us out of nothing, that He preserves us, and also to remember +all the benefits of His death and Passion, which He suffered long +before He made us for every one of us now alive--why should it not be +lawful for me to discern, confess, and consider often that I was once +accustomed to speak of vanities, and that now our Lord has given me +the grace to speak only of Himself?</p> +<p><a name="l10.7">7</a>. Here, then, is a precious pearl, which, when +we remember that it is given us, and that we have it in possession, +powerfully invites us to love. All this is the fruit of prayer +founded on humility. What, then, will it be when we shall find +ourselves in possession of other pearls of greater price, such as +contempt of the world and of self, which some servants of God have +already received? It is clear that such souls must consider +themselves greater debtors--under greater obligations to serve Him: we +must acknowledge that we have nothing of ourselves, and confess the +munificence of our Lord, Who, on a soul so wretched and poor, and so +utterly undeserving, as mine is,--for whom the first of these pearls +was enough, and more than enough,--would bestow greater riches than I +could desire.</p> +<p><a name="l10.8">8</a>. We must renew our strength to serve Him, and +strive not to be ungrateful, because it is on this condition that our +Lord dispenses His treasures; for if we do not make a good use of +them, and of the high estate to which He raises us, He will return and +take them from us, and we shall be poorer than ever. His Majesty will +give the pearls to him who shall bring them forth and employ them +usefully for himself and others. For how shall he be useful, and how +shall he spend liberally, who does not know that he is rich? It is +not possible, I think, our nature being what it is, that he can have +the courage necessary for great things who does not know that God is +on his side; for so miserable are we, so inclined to the things of +this world, that he can hardly have any real abhorrence of, with great +detachment from, all earthly things who does not see that he holds +some pledges for those things that are above. It is by these gifts +that our Lord gives us that strength which we through our sins +have lost.</p> +<p><a name="l10.9">9</a>. A man will hardly wish to be held in +contempt and abhorrence, nor will he seek after the other great +virtues to which the perfect attain, if he has not some pledges of the +love which God bears him, together with a living faith. Our nature is +so dead, that we go after that which we see immediately before us; and +it is these graces, therefore, that quicken and strengthen our faith. +It may well be that I, who am so wicked, measure others by myself, and +that others require nothing more than the verities of the faith, in +order to render their works most perfect; while I, wretched that I am! +have need of everything.</p> +<p><a name="l10.10">10</a>. Others will explain this. I speak from my +own experience, as I have been commanded; and if what I say be not +correct, let him [<a href="#l10note5">5</a>] to whom I send it destroy +it; for he knows better than I do what is wrong in it. I entreat him, +for the love of our Lord, to publish abroad what I have thus far said +of my wretched life, and of my sins. I give him leave to do so; and +to all my confessors, also,--of whom he is one--to whom this is to be +sent, if it be their pleasure, even during my life, so that I may no +longer deceive people who think there must be some good in +me. [<a href="#l10note6">6</a>] Certainly, I speak in all sincerity, +so far as I understand myself. Such publication will give me +great comfort.</p> +<p><a name="l10.11">11</a>. But as to that which I am now going to +say, I give no such leave; nor, if it be shown to any one, do I +consent to its being said who the person is whose experience it +describes, nor who wrote it. This is why I mention neither my own +name, nor that of any other person whatever. I have written it in the +best way I could, in order not to be known; and this I beg of them for +the love of God. Persons so learned and grave as they +are [<a href="#l10note7">7</a>] have authority enough to approve of +whatever right things I may say, should our Lord give me the grace to +do so; and if I should say anything of the kind, it will be His, and +not mine--because I am neither learned nor of good life, and I have no +person of learning or any other to teach me; for they only who ordered +me to write know that I am writing, and at this moment they are not +here. I have, as it were, to steal the time, and that with +difficulty, because my writing hinders me from spinning. I am living +in a house that is poor, and have many things to +do. [<a href="#l10note8">8</a>] If, indeed, our Lord had given me +greater abilities and a better memory, I might then profit by what I +have seen and read; but my abilities are very slight. If, then, I +should say anything that is right, our Lord will have it said for some +good purpose; that which may be wrong will be mine, and your reverence +will strike it out.</p> +<p><a name="l10.12">12</a>. In neither case will it be of any use to +publish my name: during my life, it is clear that no good I may have +done ought to be told; after death, there is no reason against it, +except that it will lose all authority and credit, because related of +a person so vile and so wicked as I am. And because I think your +reverence and the others who may see this writing will do this that I +ask of you, for the love of our Lord, I write with freedom. If it +were not so, I should have great scruples, except in declaring my +sins: and in that matter I should have none at all. For the rest, it +is enough that I am a woman to make my sails droop: how much more, +then, when I am a woman, and a wicked one?</p> +<p><a name="l10.13">13</a>. So, then, everything here beyond the +simple story of my life your reverence must take upon yourself--since +you have so pressed me to give some account of the graces which our +Lord bestowed upon me in prayer--if it he consistent with the truths +of our holy Catholic faith; if it be not, your reverence must burn it +at once--for I give my consent. I will recount my experience, in +order that, if it be consistent with those truths, your reverence may +make some use of it; if not, you will deliver my soul from delusion, +so that Satan may gain nothing there where I seemed to be gaining +myself. Our Lord knows well that I, as I shall show +hereafter, [<a href="#l10note9">9</a>] have always laboured to find out +those who could give me light.</p> +<p><a name="l10.14">14</a>. How clear soever I may wish to make my +account of that which relates to prayer, it will be obscure enough for +those who are without experience. I shall speak of certain +hindrances, which, as I understand it, keep men from advancing on this +road--and of other things which are dangerous, as our Lord has taught +me by experience. I have also discussed the matter with men of great +learning, with persons who for many years had lived spiritual lives, +who admit that, in the twenty-seven years only during which I have +given myself to prayer--though I walked so ill, and stumbled so often +on the road--His Majesty granted me that experience which others +attain to in seven-and-thirty, or seven-and-forty, years; and they, +too, being persons who ever advanced in the way of penance and +of virtue.</p> +<p><a name="l10.15">15</a>. Blessed be God for all, and may His +infinite Majesty make use of me! Our Lord knoweth well that I have no +other end in this than that He may be praised and magnified a little, +when men shall see that on a dunghill so foul and rank He has made a +garden of flowers so sweet. May it please His Majesty that I may not +by my own fault root them out, and become again what I was before. +And I entreat your reverence, for the love of our Lord, to beg this of +Him for me, seeing that you have a clearer knowledge of what I am than +you have allowed me to give of myself here.</p> +<hr title="Notes"> +<p><small><a name="l10note1">1</a>. The Saint interrupts her history +here to enter on the difficult questions of mystical theology, and +resumes it in <a href="#l23.1">ch. xxiii</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l10note2">2</a>. <a href="#l9.4">Ch. ix. +§ 4</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l10note3">3</a>. <a href="#l30.10">Ch. +xxx. §§ 10 and 11</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l10note4">4</a>. See <a +href="#l13.5">ch. xiii. § 5</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l10note5">5</a>. F. Pedro Ybañez, of the Order of +<abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Dominic.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l10note6">6</a>. See <a +href="#l31.17">ch. xxxi. § 17</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l10note7">7</a>. See <a +href="#l15.12">ch. xv. § 12</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l10note8">8</a>. See <a +href="#l14.12">ch. xiv. § 12</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l10note9">9</a>. See <a +href="#l24.5">ch. xxiv. § 5</a>.</small></p> +<hr title="Text"> +<h3><a name="l11.0">Chapter XI.</a></h3> +<p><big>Why Men Do Not Attain Quickly to the Perfect Love of God. Of +Four Degrees of Prayer. Of the First Degree. The Doctrine Profitable +for Beginners, and for Those Who Have No Sensible Sweetness.</big></p> +<p><a name="l11.1">1</a>. I speak now of those who begin to be the +servants of love; that seems to me to be nothing else but to resolve +to follow Him in the way of prayer, who has loved us so much. It is a +dignity so great, that I have a strange joy in thinking of it; for +servile fear vanishes at once, if we are, as we ought to be, in the +first degree. O Lord of my soul, and my good, how is it that, when a +soul is determined to love Thee--doing all it can, by forsaking all +things, in order that it may the better occupy itself with the love of +God--it is not Thy will it should have the joy of ascending at once to +the possession of perfect love? I have spoken amiss; I ought to have +said, and my complaint should have been, why is it we do not? for the +fault is wholly our own that we do not rejoice at once in a dignity so +great, seeing that the attaining to the perfect possession of this +true love brings all blessings with it.</p> +<p><a name="l11.2">2</a>. We think so much of ourselves, and are so +dilatory in giving ourselves wholly to God, that, as His Majesty will +not let us have the fruition of that which is so precious but at a +great cost, so neither do we perfectly prepare ourselves for it. I +see plainly that there is nothing by which so great a good can be +procured in this world. If, however, we did what we could, not +clinging to anything upon earth, but having all our thoughts and +conversation in Heaven, I believe that this blessing would quickly be +given us, provided we perfectly prepared ourselves for it at once, as +some of the saints have done. We think we are giving all to God; but, +in fact, we are offering only the revenue or the produce, while we +retain the fee-simple of the land in our own possession.</p> +<p><a name="l11.3">3</a>. We resolve to become poor, and it is a +resolution of great merit; but we very often take great care not to be +in want, not simply of what is necessary, but of what is superfluous: +yea, and to make for ourselves friends who may supply us; and in this +way we take more pains, and perhaps expose ourselves to greater +danger, in order that we may want nothing, than we did formerly, when +we had our own possessions in our own power.</p> +<p><a name="l11.4">4</a>. We thought, also, that we gave up all desire +of honour when we became religious, or when we began the spiritual +life, and followed after perfection; and yet, when we are touched on +the point of honour, we do not then remember that we had given it up +to God. We would seize it again, and take it, as they say, out of His +Hands, even after we had made Him, to all appearance, the Lord of our +own will. So is it in every thing else.</p> +<p><a name="l11.5">5</a>. A pleasant way this of seeking the love of +God! we retain our own affections, and yet will have that love, as +they say, by handfuls. We make no efforts to bring our desires to +good effect, or to raise them resolutely above the earth; and yet, +with all this, we must have many spiritual consolations. This is not +well, and we are seeking things that are incompatible one with the +other. So, because we do not give ourselves up wholly and at once, +this treasure is not given wholly and at once to us. May it be the +good pleasure of our Lord to give it us drop by drop, though it may +cost us all the trials in the world.</p> +<p><a name="l11.6">6</a>. He showeth great mercy unto him to whom He +gives the grace and resolution to strive for this blessing with all +his might; for God withholds Himself from no one who perseveres. He +will by little and little strengthen that soul, so that it may come +forth victorious. I say resolution, because of the multitude of those +things which Satan puts before it at first, to keep it back from +beginning to travel on this road; for he knoweth what harm will befall +him thereby--he will lose not only that soul, but many others also. +If he who enters on this road does violence to himself, with the help +of God, so as to reach the summit of perfection, such a one, I +believe, will never go alone to Heaven; he will always take many with +him: God gives to him, as to a good captain, those who shall be of +his company.</p> +<p><a name="l11.7">7</a>. Thus, then, the dangers and difficulties +which Satan puts before them are so many, that they have need, not of +a little, but of a very great, resolution, and great grace from God, +to save them from falling away.</p> +<p><a name="l11.8">8</a>. Speaking, then, of their beginnings who are +determined to follow after this good, and to succeed in their +enterprise--what I began to say [<a href="#l11note1">1</a>] of mystical +theology--I believe they call it by that name--I shall proceed with +hereafter--I have to say that the labour is greatest at first; for it +is they who toil, our Lord, indeed, giving them strength. In the +other degrees of prayer, there is more of fruition; although they who +are in the beginning, the middle, and the end, have their crosses to +carry: the crosses, however, are different. They who would follow +Christ, if they do not wish to be lost, must walk in the way He walked +Himself. Blessed labours! even here, in this life, so +superabundantly rewarded!</p> +<p><a name="l11.9">9</a>. I shall have to make use of a comparison; I +should like to avoid it, because I am a woman, and write simply what I +have been commanded. But this language of spirituality is so +difficult of utterance for those who are not learned, and such am I. +I have therefore to seek for some means to make the matter plain. It +may be that the comparison will very rarely be to the purpose--your +reverence will be amused when you see my stupidity. I think, now, I +have either read or heard of this comparison; but as my memory is bad, +I know not where, nor on what occasion; however, I am satisfied with +it for my present purpose. [<a href="#l11note2">2</a>]</p> +<p><a name="l11.10">10</a>. A beginner must look upon himself as +making a garden, wherein our Lord may take His delight, but in a soil +unfruitful, and abounding in weeds. His Majesty roots up the weeds, +and has to plant good herbs. Let us, then, take for granted that this +is already done when a soul is determined to give itself to prayer, +and has begun the practice of it. We have, then, as good gardeners, +by the help of God, to see that the plants grow, to water them +carefully, that they may not die, but produce blossoms, which shall +send forth much fragrance, refreshing to our Lord, so that He may come +often for His pleasure into this garden, and delight Himself in the +midst of these virtues.</p> +<p><a name="l11.11">11</a>. Let us now see how this garden is to be +watered, that we may understand what we have to do: how much trouble +it will cost us, whether the gain be greater than the trouble, or how +long a time it will take us. It seems to me that the garden may be +watered in four ways: by water taken out of a well, which is very +laborious; or with water raised by means of an engine and buckets, +drawn by a windlass--I have drawn it this way sometimes--it is a less +troublesome way than the first, and gives more water; or by a stream +or brook, whereby the garden is watered in a much better way--for the +soil is more thoroughly saturated, and there is no necessity to water +it so often, and the labour of the gardener is much less; or by +showers of rain, when our Lord Himself waters it, without labour on +our part--and this way is incomparably better than all the others of +which I have spoken.</p> +<p><a name="l11.12">12</a>. Now, then, for the application of these +four ways of irrigation by which the garden is to be maintained; for +without water it must fail. The comparison is to my purpose, and it +seems to me that by the help of it I shall be able to explain, in some +measure, the four degrees of prayer to which our Lord, of His +goodness, has occasionally raised my soul. May He graciously grant +that I may so speak as to be of some service to one of those who has +commanded me to write, whom our Lord has raised in four months to a +greater height than I have reached in seventeen years! He prepared +himself better than I did, and therefore is his garden without labour +on his part, irrigated by these four waters--though the last of them +is only drop by drop; but it is growing in such a way, that soon, by +the help of our Lord, he will be swallowed up therein, and it will be +a pleasure to me, if he finds my explanation absurd, that he should +laugh at it.</p> +<p><a name="l11.13">13</a>. Of those who are beginners in prayer, we +may say, that they are those who draw the water up out of the well--a +process which, as I have said, is very laborious; for they must be +wearied in keeping the senses recollected, and this is a great labour, +because the senses have been hitherto accustomed to distractions. It +is necessary for beginners to accustom themselves to disregard what +they hear or see, and to put it away from them during the time of +prayer; they must be alone, and in retirement think over their past +life. Though all must do this many times, beginners as well as those +more advanced; all, however, must not do so equally, as I shall show +hereafter. [<a href="#l11note3">3</a>] Beginners at first suffer much, +because they are not convinced that they are penitent for their sins; +and yet they are, because they are so sincerely resolved on serving +God. They must strive to meditate on the life of Christ, and the +understanding is wearied thereby. Thus far we can advance of +ourselves--that is, by the grace of God--for without that, as every +one knows, we never can have one good thought.</p> +<p><a name="l11.14">14</a>. This is beginning to draw water up out of +the well. God grant there may be water in it! That, however, does +not depend on us; we are drawing it, and doing what we can towards +watering the flowers. So good is God, that when, for reasons known to +His Majesty--perhaps for our greater good--it is His will the well +should be dry, He Himself preserves the flowers without water--we, +like good gardeners, doing what lies in our power--and makes our +virtues grow. By water here I mean tears, and if there be none, then +tenderness and an inward feeling of devotion.</p> +<p><a name="l11.15">15</a>. What, then, will he do here who sees that, +for many days, he is conscious only of aridity, disgust, dislike, and +so great an unwillingness to go to the well for water, that he would +give it up altogether, if he did not remember that he has to please +and serve the Lord of the garden; if he did not trust that his service +was not in vain, and did not hope for some gain by a labour so great +as that of lowering the bucket into the well so often, and drawing it +up without water in it? It will happen that he is often unable to +move his arms for that purpose, or to have one good thought: working +with the understanding is drawing water out of the well.</p> +<p><a name="l11.16">16</a>. What, then, once more, will the gardener +do now? He must rejoice and take comfort, and consider it as the +greatest favour to labour in the garden of so great an Emperor; and as +he knows that he is pleasing Him in the matter--and his purpose must +not be to please himself, but Him--let him praise Him greatly for the +trust He has in him--for He sees that, without any recompense, he is +taking so much care of that which has been confided to him; let him +help Him to carry the Cross, and let him think how He carried it all +His life long; let him not seek his kingdom here, nor ever intermit +his prayer; and so let him resolve, if this aridity should last even +his whole life long, never to let Christ fall down beneath +the Cross. [<a href="#l11note4">4</a>]</p> +<p><a name="l11.17">17</a>. The time will come when he shall be paid +once for all. Let him have no fear that his labour is in vain: he +serves a good Master, Whose eyes are upon him. Let him make no +account of evil thoughts, but remember that Satan suggested them to +<abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Jerome also in the +desert. [<a href="#l11note5">5</a>] These labours have their reward, I +know it; for I am one who underwent them for many years. When I drew +but one drop of water out of this blessed well, I considered it was a +mercy of God. I know these labours are very great, and require, I +think, greater courage than many others in this world; but I have seen +clearly that God does not leave them without a great recompense, even +in this life; for it is very certain that in one hour, during which +our Lord gave me to taste His sweetness, all the anxieties which I +had to bear when persevering in prayer seem to me ever afterwards +perfectly rewarded.</p> +<p><a name="l11.18">18</a>. I believe that it is our Lord's good +pleasure frequently in the beginning, and at times in the end, to send +these torments, and many other incidental temptations, to try those +who love Him, and to ascertain if they will drink the +chalice, [<a href="#l11note6">6</a>] and help Him to carry the Cross, +before He intrusts them with His great treasures. I believe it to be +for our good that His Majesty should lead us by this way, so that we +may perfectly understand how worthless we are; for the graces which He +gives afterwards are of a dignity so great, that He will have us by +experience know our wretchedness before He grants them, that it may +not be with us as it was with Lucifer.</p> +<p><a name="l11.19">19</a>. What canst Thou do, O my Lord, that is not +for the greater good of that soul which Thou knowest to be already +Thine, and which gives itself up to Thee to follow Thee whithersoever +Thou goest, even to the death of the Cross; and which is determined to +help Thee to carry that Cross, and not to leave Thee alone with it? +He who shall discern this resolution in himself has nothing to fear: +no, no; spiritual people have nothing to fear. There is no reason why +he should be distressed who is already raised to so high a degree as +this is of wishing to converse in solitude with God, and to abandon +the amusements of the world. The greater part of the work is done; +give praise to His Majesty for it, and trust in His goodness who has +never failed those who love Him. Close the eyes of your imagination, +and do not ask why He gives devotion to this person in so short a +time, and none to me after so many years. Let us believe that all is +for our greater good; let His Majesty guide us whithersoever He will: +we are not our own, but His. He shows us mercy enough when it is His +pleasure we should be willing to dig in His garden, and to be so near +the Lord of it: He certainly is near to us. If it be His will that +these plants and flowers should grow--some of them when He gives water +we may draw from the well, others when He gives none--what is that to +me? Do Thou, O Lord, accomplish Thy will; let me never offend Thee, +nor let my virtues perish; if Thou hast given me any, it is out of Thy +mere goodness. I wish to suffer, because Thou, O Lord, hast suffered; +do Thou in every way fulfil Thy will in me, and may it never be the +pleasure of Thy Majesty that a gift of so high a price as that of Thy +love, be given to people who serve Thee only because of the sweetness +they find thereby.</p> +<p><a name="l11.20">20</a>. It is much to be observed, and I say so +because I know by experience, that the soul which, begins to walk in +the way of mental prayer with resolution, and is determined not to +care much, neither to rejoice nor to be greatly afflicted, whether +sweetness and tenderness fail it, or our Lord grants them, has already +travelled a great part of the road. Let that soul, then, have no fear +that it is going back, though it may frequently stumble; for the +building is begun on a firm foundation. It is certain that the love +of God does not consist in tears, nor in this sweetness and tenderness +which we for the most part desire, and with which we console +ourselves; but rather in serving Him in justice, fortitude, and +humility. That seems to me to be a receiving rather than a giving of +anything on our part.</p> +<p><a name="l11.21">21</a>. As for poor women, such as I am, weak and +infirm of purpose, it seems to me to be necessary that I should be led +on through consolations, as God is doing now, so that I might be able +to endure certain afflictions which it has pleased His Majesty I +should have. But when the servants of God, who are men of weight, +learning, and sense, make so much account, as I see they do, whether +God gives them sweetness in devotion or not, I am disgusted when I +listen to them. I do not say that they ought not to accept it, and +make much of it, when God gives it--because, when He gives it, His +Majesty sees it to be necessary for them--but I do say that they ought +not to grow weary when they have it not. They should then understand +that they have no need of it, and be masters of themselves, when His +Majesty does not give it. Let them be convinced of this, there is a +fault here; I have had experience of it, and know it to be so. Let +them believe it as an imperfection: they are not advancing in liberty +of spirit, but shrinking like cowards from the assault.</p> +<p><a name="l11.22">22</a>. It is not so much to beginners that I say +this--though I do insist upon it, because it is of great importance to +them that they should begin with this liberty and resolution--as to +others, of whom there are many, who make a beginning, but never come +to the end; and that is owing, I believe, in great measure, to their +not having embraced the Cross from the first. They are distressed, +thinking they are doing nothing; the understanding ceases from its +acts, and they cannot bear it. Yet, perhaps, at that very time, the +will is feeding and gathering strength, and they know it not.</p> +<p><a name="l11.23">23</a>. We must suppose that our Lord does not +regard these things; for though they seem to us to be faults, yet they +are not. His Majesty knoweth our misery and natural vileness better +than we do ourselves. He knoweth that these souls long to be always +thinking of Him and loving Him. It is this resolution that He seeks +in us; the other anxieties which we inflict upon ourselves serve to no +other end but to disquiet the soul--which, if it be unable to derive +any profit in one hour, will by them be disabled for four. This comes +most frequently from bodily indisposition--I have had very great +experience in the matter, and I know it is true; for I have carefully +observed it and discussed it afterwards with spiritual persons--for we +are so wretched, that this poor prisoner of a soul shares in the +miseries of the body. The changes of the seasons, and the alterations +of the humours, very often compel it, without fault of its own, not to +do what it would, but rather to suffer in every way. Meanwhile, the +more we force the soul on these occasions, the greater the mischief, +and the longer it lasts. Some discretion must be used, in order to +ascertain whether ill-health be the occasion or not. The poor soul +must not be stifled. Let those who thus suffer understand that they +are ill; a change should be made in the hour of prayer, and oftentimes +that change should be continued for some days. Let souls pass out of +this desert as they can, for it is very often the misery of one that +loves God to see itself living in such wretchedness, unable to do what +it would, because it has to keep so evil a guest as the body.</p> +<p><a name="l11.24">24</a>. I spoke of discretion, because sometimes +the devil will do the same work; and so it is not always right to omit +prayer when the understanding is greatly distracted and disturbed, nor +to torment the soul to the doing of that which is out of its power. +There are other things then to be done--exterior works, as of charity +and spiritual reading--though at times the soul will not be able to do +them. Take care, then, of the body, for the love of God, because at +many other times the body must serve the soul; and let recourse be had +to some recreations--holy ones--such as conversation, or going out +into the fields, as the confessor shall advise. Altogether, +experience is a great matter, and it makes us understand what is +convenient for us. Let God be served in all things--His yoke is +sweet; [<a href="#l11note7">7</a>] and it is of great importance that +the soul should not be dragged, as they say, but carried gently, that +it may make greater progress.</p> +<p><a name="l11.25">25</a>. So, then, I come back to what I advised +before [<a href="#l11note8">8</a>]--and though I repeat it often, it +matters not; it is of great importance that no one should distress +himself on account of aridities, or because his thoughts are restless +and distracted; neither should he be afflicted thereat, if he would +attain to liberty of spirit, and not be always in trouble. Let him +begin by not being afraid of the Cross, and he will see how our Lord +will help him to carry it, how joyfully he will advance, and what +profit he will derive from it all. It is now clear, if there is no +water in the well, that we at least can put none into it. It is true +we must not be careless about drawing it when there is any in it, +because at that time it is the will of God to multiply our virtues by +means thereof.</p> +<hr title="Notes"> +<p><small><a name="l11note1">1</a>. <a href="#l10.1">Ch. x. +§ 1</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l11note2">2</a>. <i lang="la">Vide</i> <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Bernard, <cite +lang="la"><abbr title="in Cantica">in Cantic.</abbr></cite> <abbr +lang="la" title="Sermo">Serm.</abbr> 30. n. 7, ed. <abbr lang="la" +title="monachorum Sancti Benedicti">Ben.</abbr></small></p> +<p><small><a name="l11note3">3</a>. <a href="#l13.23">Ch. +xiii. § 23</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l11note4">4</a>. See <a +href="#l15.17">ch. xv. § 17</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l11note5">5</a>. Epist. 22, <cite lang="la">ad +Eustochium</cite>: <span lang="la">"O quoties ego ipse in eremo +constitutus, et in illa vasta solitudine quæ exusta solis ardoribus +horridum monachis præstat habitaculum putabam me Romanis interesse +deliciis. Sedebam solus. . . Horrebant sacco membra deformia. . . . +Ille igitur ego, qui ob Gehennæ metum tali me carcere damnaveram, +scorpionum tantum socius et ferarum, sæpe choris intereram puellarum, +pallebant ora jejuniis, et mens desideriis æstuabat in frigido +corpore, et ante hominem sua jam carne præmortuum sola libidinum +incendia bulliebant."</span></small></p> +<p><small><a name="l11note6">6</a>. <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Matt. xx. 22: <span lang="la">"Potestis +bibere calicem?"</span></small></p> +<p><small><a name="l11note7">7</a>. <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Matt. xi. 30: <span lang="la">"Jugum enim +meum suave est."</span></small></p> +<p><small><a name="l11note8">8</a>. <a href="#l11.18">§ +18</a>.</small></p> +<hr title="Text"> +<h3><a name="l12.0">Chapter XII.</a></h3> +<p><big>What We Can Ourselves Do. The Evil of Desiring to Attain to +Supernatural States Before Our Lord Calls Us.</big></p> +<p><a name="l12.1">1</a>. My aim in the foregoing chapter--though I +digressed to many other matters, because they seemed to me very +necessary--was to explain how much we may attain to of ourselves; and +how, in these beginnings of devotion, we are able in some degree to +help ourselves: because thinking of, and pondering on, the sufferings +of our Lord for our sakes moves us to compassion, and the sorrow and +tears which result therefrom are sweet. The thought of the +blessedness we hope for, of the love our Lord bore us, and of His +resurrection, kindle within us a joy which is neither wholly spiritual +nor wholly sensual; but the joy is virtuous, and the sorrow is +most meritorious.</p> +<p><a name="l12.2">2</a>. Of this kind are all those things which +produce a devotion acquired in part by means of the understanding, +though it can neither be merited nor had, if God grants it not. It is +best for a soul which God has not raised to a higher state than this +not to try to rise of itself. Let this be well considered, because +all the soul will gain in that way will be a loss. In this state it +can make many acts of good resolutions to do much for God, and +enkindle its love; other acts also, which may help the growth of +virtues, according to that which is written in a book called <cite>The +Art of Serving God</cite>, [<a href="#l12note1">1</a>] a most +excellent work, and profitable for those who are in this state, +because the understanding is active now.</p> +<p><a name="l12.3">3</a>. The soul may also place itself in the +presence of Christ, and accustom itself to many acts of love directed +to His sacred Humanity, and remain in His presence continually, and +speak to Him, pray to Him in its necessities, and complain to Him of +its troubles; be merry with Him in its joys, and yet not forget Him +because of its joys. All this it may do without set prayers, but +rather with words befitting its desires and its needs.</p> +<p><a name="l12.4">4</a>. This is an excellent way whereby to advance, +and that very quickly. He that will strive to have this precious +companionship, and will make much of it, and will sincerely love our +Lord, to whom we owe so much, is one, in my opinion, who has made some +progress. There is therefore no reason why we should trouble +ourselves because we have no sensible devotion, as I said +before. [<a href="#l12note2">2</a>] But let us rather give thanks to +our Lord, who allows us to have a desire to please Him, though our +works be poor. This practice of the presence of Christ is profitable +in all states of prayer, and is a most safe way of advancing in the +first state, and of attaining quickly to the second; and as for the +last states, it secures us against those risks which the devil +may occasion.</p> +<p><a name="l12.5">5</a>. This, then, is what we can do. He who would +pass out of this state, and upraise his spirit, in order to taste +consolations denied him, will, in my opinion, lose both the one and +the other. [<a href="#l12note3">3</a>] These consolations being +supernatural, and the understanding inactive, the soul is then left +desolate and in great aridity. As the foundation of the whole +building is humility, the nearer we draw unto God the more this virtue +should grow; if it does not, everything is lost. It seems to be a kind +of pride when we seek to ascend higher, seeing that God descends so +low, when He allows us, being what we are, to draw near unto Him.</p> +<p><a name="l12.6">6</a>. It must not be supposed that I am now +speaking of raising our thoughts to the consideration of the high +things of heaven and of its glory, or unto God and His great wisdom. +I never did this myself, because I had not the capacity for it--as I +said before; [<a href="#l12note4">4</a>] and I was so worthless, that, +as to thinking even of the things of earth, God gave me grace to +understand this truth: that in me it was no slight boldness to do so. +How much more, then, the thinking of heavenly things? Others, +however, will profit in that way, particularly those who are learned; +for learning, in my opinion, is a great treasury in the matter of this +exercise, if it be accompanied with humility. I observed this a few +days ago in some learned men who had shortly before made a beginning, +and had made great progress. This is the reason why I am so very +anxious that many learned men may become spiritual. I shall speak of +this by and by. [<a href="#l12note5">5</a>]</p> +<p><a name="l12.7">7</a>. What I am saying--namely, let them not rise +if God does not raise them--is the language of spirituality. He will +understand me who has had any experience; and I know not how to +explain it, if what I have said does not make it plain.</p> +<p><a name="l12.8">8</a>. In mystical theology--of which I spoke +before [<a href="#l12note6">6</a>]--the understanding ceases from its +acts, because God suspends it--as I shall explain by and by, if I +can; [<a href="#l12note7">7</a>] and God give me the grace to do so. +We must neither imagine nor think that we can of ourselves bring about +this suspension. That is what I say must not be done; nor must we +allow the understanding to cease from its acts; for in that case we +shall be stupid and cold, and the result will be neither the one nor +the other. For when our Lord suspends the understanding, and makes it +cease from its acts, He puts before it that which astonishes and +occupies it: so that without making any reflections, it shall +comprehend in a moment [<a href="#l12note8">8</a>] more than we +could comprehend in many years with all the efforts in the world.</p> +<p><a name="l12.9">9</a>. To have the powers of the mind occupied, and +to think that you can keep them at the same time quiet, is folly. I +repeat it, though it be not so understood, there is no great humility +in this; and, if it be blameless, it is not left unpunished--it is +labour thrown away, and the soul is a little disgusted: it feels like +a man about to take a leap, and is held back. Such a one seems to +have used up his strength already, and finds himself unable to do that +which he wished to have done: so here, in the scanty gain that +remains, he who will consider the matter will trace that slight want +of humility of which I have spoken; [<a href="#l12note9">9</a>] for +that virtue has this excellence: there is no good work attended by +humility that leaves the soul disgusted. It seems to me that I have +made this clear enough; yet, after all, perhaps only for myself. May +our Lord open their eyes who read this, by giving them experience; and +then however slight that experience may be, they will immediately +understand it.</p> +<p><a name="l12.10">10</a>. For many years I read much, and understood +nothing; and for a long time, too, though God gave me understanding +herein, I never could utter a word by which I might explain it to +others. This was no little trouble to me. When His Majesty pleases, +He teaches everything in a moment, so that I am lost in wonder. One +thing I can truly say: though I conversed with many spiritual persons, +who sought to make me understand what our Lord was giving me, in order +that I might be able to speak of it, the fact is, that my dulness was +so great, that I derived no advantage whatever, much or little, from +their teaching.</p> +<p><a name="l12.11">11</a>. Or it may be, as His Majesty has always +been my Master--may He be blessed for ever! for I am ashamed of myself +that I can say so with truth--that it was His good pleasure I should +meet with no one to whom I should be indebted in this matter. So, +without my wishing or asking it--I never was careful about this, for +that would have been a virtue in me, but only about vanity--God gave +me to understand with all distinctness in a moment, and also enabled +me to express myself, so that my confessors were astonished but I more +than they, because I knew my own dulness better. It is not long since +this happened. And so that which our Lord has not taught me, I seek +not to know it, unless it be a matter that touches my conscience.</p> +<p><a name="l12.12">12</a>. Again I repeat my advice: it is of great +moment not to raise our spirit ourselves, if our Lord does not raise +it for us; and if He does, there can be no mistaking it. For women, +it is specially wrong, because the devil can delude them--though I am +certain our Lord will never allow him to hurt any one who labours to +draw near unto God in humility. On the contrary, such a one will +derive more profit and advantage out of that attack by which Satan +intended to hurt him.</p> +<p><a name="l12.13">13</a>. I have dwelt so long upon this matter +because this way of prayer is the most common with beginners, and +because the advice I have given is very important. It will be found +much better given elsewhere: that I admit; and I admit, also, that in +writing it I am ashamed of myself, and covered with confusion--though +not so much so as I ought to be. Blessed for ever be our Lord, of +whose will and pleasure it is that I am allowed, being what I am, to +speak of things which are His, of such a nature, and so deep.</p> +<hr title="Notes"> +<p><small><a name="l12note1">1</a>. <cite lang="es">Arte de servir a +Dios</cite>, by Rodrigue de Solis, friar of the Augustinian Order +(<cite>Bouix</cite>). <cite lang="es">Arte para servir a Dios</cite>, +by Fra. Alonso de Madrid (<cite>De la Fuente</cite>).</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l12note2">2</a>. <a href="#l11.20">Ch. +xi. §§ 20</a>, <a href="#l11.25">25</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l12note3">3</a>. That is, he will lose the prayer +of acquired quiet, because he voluntarily abandons it before the time; +and will not attain to the prayer of infused quiet, because he +attempts to rise into it before he is called (Francis. de Sancto +Thoma, <cite lang="la">Medulla Mystica</cite>, tr. iv. ch. xi. +n. 69).</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l12note4">4</a>. <a href="#l4.10">Ch. iv. +§ 10</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l12note5">5</a>. <a href="#l34.9">Ch. +xxxiv. § 9</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l12note6">6</a>. <a href="#l10.1">Ch. x. +§ 1</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l12note7">7</a>. <a href="#l16.4">Ch. +xvi. § 4</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l12note8">8</a>. <span lang="es">"En un +credo."</span></small></p> +<p><small><a name="l12note9">9</a>. <a +href="#l12.5">§ 5</a>.</small></p> +<hr title="Text"> +<h3><a name="l13.0">Chapter XIII.</a></h3> +<p><big>Of Certain Temptations of Satan. Instructions +Relating Thereto.</big></p> +<p><a name="l13.1">1</a>. I have thought it right to speak of certain +temptations I have observed to which beginners are liable--some of +them I have had myself--and to give some advice about certain things +which to me seem necessary. In the beginning, then, we should strive +to be cheerful and unconstrained; for there are people who think it is +all over with devotion if they relax themselves ever so little. It is +right to be afraid of self; so that, having no confidence in +ourselves, much or little, we may not place ourselves in those +circumstances wherein men usually sin against God; for it is a most +necessary fear, till we become very perfect in virtue. And there are +not many who are so perfect as to be able to relax themselves on those +occasions which offer temptations to their natural temper; for always +while we live, were it only to preserve humility, it is well we should +know our own miserable nature; but there are many occasions on which +it is permitted us--as I said just now [<a href="#l13note1">1</a>]--to +take some recreation, in order that we may with more vigour resume +our prayer.</p> +<p><a name="l13.2">2</a>. Discretion is necessary throughout. We must +have great confidence; because it is very necessary for us not to +contract our desires, but put our trust in God; for, if we do violence +to ourselves by little and little, we shall, though not at once, reach +that height which many Saints by His grace have reached. If they had +never resolved to desire, and had never by little and little acted +upon that resolve, they never could have ascended to so high +a state.</p> +<p><a name="l13.3">3</a>. His Majesty seeks and loves courageous +souls; but they must be humble in their ways, and have no confidence +in themselves. I never saw one of those lag behind on the road; and +never a cowardly soul, though aided by humility, make that progress in +many years which the former makes in a few. I am astonished at the +great things done on this road by encouraging oneself to undertake +great things, though we may not have the strength for them at once; +the soul takes a flight upwards and ascends high, though, like a +little bird whose wings are weak, it grows weary and rests.</p> +<p><a name="l13.4">4</a>. At one time I used often to think of those +words of <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Paul: "That all things are +possible in God." [<a href="#l13note2">2</a>] I saw clearly that +of myself I could do nothing. This was of great service to me. So +also was the saying of <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Augustine: +"Give me, O Lord, what Thou commandest, and command what Thou +wilt." [<a href="#l13note3">3</a>] I was often thinking how <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Peter lost nothing by throwing himself into +the sea, though he was afterwards afraid. [<a href="#l13note4">4</a>] +These first resolutions are a great matter--although it is necessary +in the beginning that we should be very reserved, controlled by the +discretion and authority of a director; but we must take care that he +be one who does not teach us to crawl like toads, nor one who may be +satisfied when the soul shows itself fit only to catch lizards. +Humility must always go before: so that we may know that this strength +can come out of no strength of our own.</p> +<p><a name="l13.5">5</a>. But it is necessary we should understand +what manner of humility this should be, because Satan, I believe, does +great harm; for he hinders those who begin to pray from going onwards, +by suggesting to them false notions of humility. He makes them think +it is pride to have large desires, to wish to imitate the Saints, and +to long for martyrdom. He tells us forthwith, or he makes us think, +that the actions of the Saints are to be admired, not to be imitated, +by us who are sinners. I, too, say the same thing; but we must see +what those actions are which we are to admire, and what those are +which we are to imitate; for it would be wrong in a person who is weak +and sickly to undertake much fasting and sharp penances to retire into +the desert, where he could not sleep, nor find anything to eat; or, +indeed, to undertake any austerities of this kind.</p> +<p><a name="l13.6">6</a>. But we ought to think that we can force +ourselves, by the grace of God, to hold the world in profound +contempt--to make light of honour, and be detached from our +possessions. Our hearts, however, are so mean that we think the earth +would fail us under our feet, if we were to cease to care even for a +moment for the body, and give ourselves up to spirituality. Then we +think that to have all we require contributes to recollection, because +anxieties disturb prayer. It is painful to me that our confidence in +God is so scanty, and our self-love so strong, as that any anxiety +about our own necessities should disturb us. But so it is; for when +our spiritual progress is so slight, a mere nothing will give us as +much trouble as great and important matters will give to others. And +we think ourselves spiritual!</p> +<p><a name="l13.7">7</a>. Now, to me, this way of going on seems to +betray a disposition to reconcile soul and body together, in order +that we may not miss our ease in this world, and yet have the fruition +of God in the next; and so it will be if we walk according to justice, +clinging to virtue; but it is the pace of a hen--it will never bring +us to liberty of spirit. It is a course of proceeding, as it seems to +me, most excellent for those who are in the married state, and who +must live according to their vocation; but for the other state, I by +no means wish for such a method of progress, neither can I be made to +believe it to be sound; for I have tried it, and I should have +remained in that way, if our Lord in His goodness had not taught me +another and a shorter road.</p> +<p><a name="l13.8">8</a>. Though, in the matter of desires, I always +had generous ones; but I laboured, as I said +before, [<a href="#l13note5">5</a>] to make my prayer, and, at the same +time, to live at my ease. If there had been any one to rouse me to a +higher flight, he might have brought me, so I think, to a state in +which these desires might have had their effects; but, for our sins, +so few and so rare are they whose discretion in that matter is not +excessive. That, I believe, is reason enough why those who begin do +not attain more quickly to great perfection; for our Lord never fails +us, and it is not His fault; the fault and the wretchedness of this +being all our own.</p> +<p><a name="l13.9">9</a>. We may also imitate the Saints by striving +after solitude and silence, and many other virtues that will not kill +these wretched bodies of ours, which insist on being treated so +orderly, that they may disorder the soul; and Satan, too, helps much +to make them unmanageable. When he sees us a little anxious about +them, he wants nothing more to convince us that our way of life must +kill us, and destroy our health; even if we weep, he makes us afraid +of blindness. I have passed through this, and therefore I know it; +but I know of no better sight or better health that we can desire, +than the loss of both in such a cause. Being myself so sickly, I was +always under constraint, and good for nothing, till I resolved to make +no account of my body nor of my health; even now I am +worthless enough.</p> +<p><a name="l13.10">10</a>. But when it pleased God to let me find out +this device of Satan, I used to say to the latter, when he suggested +to me that I was ruining my health, that my death was of no +consequence; when he suggested rest, I replied that I did not want +rest, but the Cross. His other suggestions I treated in the same way. +I saw clearly that in most things, though I was really very sickly, it +was either a temptation of Satan, or a weakness on my part. My health +has been much better since I have ceased to look after my ease and +comforts. It is of great importance not to let our own thoughts +frighten us in the beginning, when we set ourselves to pray. Believe +me in this, for I know it by experience. As a warning to others, it +may be that this story of my failures may be useful.</p> +<p><a name="l13.11">11</a>. There is another temptation, which is very +common: when people begin to have pleasure in the rest and the fruit +of prayer, they will have everybody else be very spiritual also. Now, +to desire this is not wrong, but to try to bring it about may not be +right, except with great discretion and with much reserve, without any +appearance of teaching. He who would do any good in this matter ought +to be endowed with solid virtues, that he may not put temptation in +the way of others. It happened to me--that is how I know it--when, as +I said before, [<a href="#l13note6">6</a>] I made others apply +themselves to prayer, to be a source of temptation and disorder; for, +on the one hand, they heard me say great things of the blessedness of +prayer, and, on the other, saw how poor I was in virtue, +notwithstanding my prayer. They had good reasons on their side, and +afterwards they told me of it; for they knew not how these things +could be compatible one with the other. This it was that made them +not to regard that as evil which was really so in itself, namely, that +they saw me do it myself, now and then, during the time that they +thought well of me in some measure.</p> +<p><a name="l13.12">12</a>. This is Satan's work: he seems to take +advantage of the virtues we may have, for the purpose of giving a +sanction, so far as he can, to the evil he aims at; how slight soever +that evil may be, his gain must be great, if it prevail in a religious +house. How much, then, must his gain have been, when the evil I did +was so very great! And thus, during many years, only three persons +were the better for what I said to them; but now that our Lord has +made me stronger in virtue, in the course of two or three years many +persons have profited, as I shall +show hereafter. [<a href="#l13note7">7</a>]</p> +<p><a name="l13.13">13</a>. There is another great inconvenience in +addition to this: the loss to our own soul; for the utmost we have to +do in the beginning is to take care of our own soul only, and consider +that in the whole world there is only God and our soul. This is a +point of great importance.</p> +<p><a name="l13.14">14</a>. There is another temptation--we ought to +be aware of it, and be cautious in our conduct: persons are carried +away by a zeal for virtue, through the pain which the sight of the +sins and failings of others occasions them. Satan tells them that +this pain arises only out of their desire that God may not be +offended, and out of their anxiety about His honour; so they +immediately seek to remedy the evil. This so disturbs them, that they +cannot pray. The greatest evil of all is their thinking this an act +of virtue, of perfection, and of a great zeal for God. I am not +speaking of the pain which public sins occasion, if they be habitual +in any community, nor of wrongs done to the Church, nor of heresies by +which so many souls are visibly lost; for this pain is most wholesome, +and being wholesome is no source of disquiet. The security, +therefore, of that soul which would apply itself to prayer lies in +casting away from itself all anxiety about persons and things, in +taking care of itself, and in pleasing God. This is the most +profitable course.</p> +<p><a name="l13.15">15</a>. If I were to speak of the mistakes which I +have seen people make, in reliance on their own good intentions, I +should never come to an end. Let us labour, therefore, always to +consider the virtues and the good qualities which we discern in +others, and with our own great sins cover our eyes, so that we may see +none of their failings. This is one way of doing our work; and though +we may not be perfect in it at once, we shall acquire one great +virtue--we shall look upon all men as better than ourselves; and we +begin to acquire that virtue in this way, by the grace of God, which +is necessary in all things--for when we have it not, all our +endeavours are in vain--and by imploring Him to give us this virtue; +for He never fails us, if we do what we can.</p> +<p><a name="l13.16">16</a>. This advice, also, they must take into +their consideration who make much use of their understanding, +eliciting from one subject many thoughts and conceptions. As to those +who, like myself, cannot do it, I have no advice to give, except that +they are to have patience, until our Lord shall send them both matter +and light; for they can do so little of themselves, that their +understanding is a hindrance to them rather than a help.</p> +<p><a name="l13.17">17</a>. To those, then, who can make use of their +understanding, I say that they are not to spend the whole time in that +way; for though it be most meritorious, yet they must not, when prayer +is sweet, suppose that there never will be a Sunday or a time when no +work ought to be done. They think it lost time to do otherwise; but I +think that loss their greatest gain. Let them rather, as I have +said, [<a href="#l13note8">8</a>] place themselves in the presence of +Christ, and, without fatiguing the understanding, converse with Him, +and in Him rejoice, without wearying themselves in searching out +reasons; but let them rather lay their necessities before Him, and the +just reasons there are why He should not suffer us in His presence: at +one time this, at another time that, lest the soul should be wearied +by always eating of the same food. These meats are most savoury and +wholesome, if the palate be accustomed to them; they will furnish a +great support for the life of the soul, and they have many other +advantages also.</p> +<p><a name="l13.18">18</a>. I will explain myself further; for the +doctrine of prayer is difficult, and, without a director, very hard to +understand. Though I would willingly be concise, and though a mere +hint is enough for his clear intellect who has commanded me to write +on the subject of prayer, yet so it is, my dulness does not allow me +to say or explain in a few words that which it is so important to +explain well. I, who have gone through so much, am sorry for those +who begin only with books; for there is a strange difference between +that which we learn by reading, and that which we learn +by experience.</p> +<p><a name="l13.19">19</a>. Going back, then, to what I was saying. +We set ourselves to meditate upon some mystery of the Passion: let us +say, our Lord at the pillar. The understanding goeth about seeking +for the sources out of which came the great dolours and the bitter +anguish which His Majesty endured in that desolation. It considers +that mystery in many lights, which the intellect, if it be skilled in +its work, or furnished with learning, may there obtain. This is a +method of prayer which should be to everyone the beginning, the +middle, and the end: a most excellent and safe way, until our Lord +shall guide them to other supernatural ways.</p> +<p><a name="l13.20">20</a>. I say to all, because there are many souls +who make greater progress by meditation on other subjects than on the +Sacred Passion; for as there are many mansions in heaven, so there are +also many roads leading thither. Some persons advance by considering +themselves in hell, others in heaven--and these are distressed by +meditations on hell. Others meditate on death; some persons, if +tender-hearted, are greatly fatigued by continual meditations on the +Passion; but are consoled and make progress when they meditate on the +power and greatness of God in His creatures, and on His love visible +in all things. This is an admirable method--not omitting, however, +from time to time, the Passion and Life of Christ, the Source of all +good that ever came, and that ever shall come.</p> +<p><a name="l13.21">21</a>. He who begins is in need of instruction, +whereby he may ascertain what profits him most. For this end it is +very necessary he should have a director, who ought to be a person of +experience; for if he be not, he will make many mistakes, and direct a +soul without understanding its ways, or suffering it to understand +them itself; for such a soul, knowing that obedience to a director is +highly meritorious, dares not transgress the commandments it receives. +I have met with souls cramped and tormented, because he who directed +them had no experience: that made me sorry for them. Some of them knew +not what to do with themselves; for directors who do not understand +the spirit of their penitents afflict them soul and body, and hinder +their progress. [<a href="#l13note9">9</a>]</p> +<p><a name="l13.22">22</a>. One person I had to do with had been kept +by her director for eight years, as it were, in prison; he would not +allow her to quit the subject of self-knowledge; and yet our Lord had +already raised her to the prayer of quiet; so she had much +to suffer.</p> +<p><a name="l13.23">23</a>. Although this matter of self-knowledge +must never be put aside--for there is no soul so great a giant on this +road but has frequent need to turn back, and be again an infant at the +breast; and this must never be forgotten. I shall repeat +it, [<a href="#l13note10">10</a>] perhaps, many times, because of its +great importance--for among all the states of prayer, however high +they may be, there is not one in which it is not often necessary to go +back to the beginning. The knowledge of our sins, and of our own +selves, is the bread which we have to eat with all the meats, however +delicate they may be, in the way of prayer; without this bread, life +cannot be sustained, though it must be taken by measure. When a soul +beholds itself resigned, and clearly understands that there is no +goodness in it--when it feels itself abashed in the presence of so +great a King, and sees how little it pays of the great debt it owes +Him--why should it be necessary for it to waste its time on +this subject? Why should it not rather proceed to other matters which +our Lord places before it, and for neglecting which there is no +reason? His Majesty surely knows better than we do what kind of food +is proper for us.</p> +<p><a name="l13.24">24</a>. So, then, it is of great consequence that +the director should be prudent--I mean, of sound understanding--and a +man of experience. If, in addition to this, he is a learned man, it +is a very great matter. But if these three qualities cannot be had +together, the first two are the most important, because learned men +may be found with whom we can communicate when it is necessary. I +mean, that for beginners learned men are of little use, if they are +not men of prayer. I do not say that they are to have nothing to do +with learned men, because a spirituality, the foundations of which are +not resting on the truth, I would rather were not accompanied with +prayer. Learning is a great thing, for it teaches us who know so +little, and enlightens us; so when we have come to the knowledge of +the truths contained in the holy writings, we do what we ought to do. +From silly devotions, God deliver us!</p> +<p><a name="l13.25">25</a>. I will explain myself further, for I am +meddling, I believe, with too many matters. It has always been my +failing that I could never make myself understood--as I said +before [<a href="#l13note11">11</a>]--but at the cost of many words. A +nun begins to practise prayer; if her director be silly, and if he +should take it into his head, he will make her feel that it is better +for her to obey him than her own superior. He will do all this +without any evil purpose, thinking that he is doing right. For if he +be not a religious himself, he will think this right enough. If his +penitent be a married woman, he will tell her that it is better for +her to give herself unto prayer, when she ought to attend to her +house, although she may thereby displease her husband. And so it is, +he knows not how to make arrangements for time and business, +so that everything may be done as it ought to be done; he has no light +himself, and can therefore give none to others, however much he may +wish to do so.</p> +<p><a name="l13.26">26</a>. Though learning does not seem necessary +for discretion, my opinion has always been, and will be, that every +Christian should continue to be guided by a learned director if he +can, and the more learned the better. They who walk in the way of +prayer have the greater need of learning; and the more spiritual they +are the greater is that need. Let them not say that learned men not +given to prayer are not fit counsellors for those who pray: that is a +delusion. I have conversed with many; and now for some years I have +sought them the more, because of my greater need of them. I have +always been fond of them; for though some of them have no experience, +they do not dislike spirituality, neither are they ignorant of what it +is, because in the sacred writings with which they are familiar they +always find the truth about spirituality. I am certain myself that a +person given to prayer, who treats of these matters with learned men, +unless he is deceived with his own consent, will never be carried away +by any illusions of the devil. I believe that the evil spirits are +exceedingly afraid of learned men who are humble and virtuous, knowing +that they will be found out and defeated by them.</p> +<p><a name="l13.27">27</a>. I have said this because there are +opinions held to the effect that learned men, if they are not +spiritual, are not suited for persons given to prayer. I have just +said that a spiritual director is necessary; but if he be not a +learned man, he is a great hindrance. It will help us much if we +consult those who are learned, provided they be virtuous; even if they +be not spiritual, they will be of service to me, and God will enable +them to understand what they should teach; He will even make them +spiritual, in order that they may help us on. I do not say this +without having had experience of it; and I have met with more +than two.</p> +<p><a name="l13.28">28</a>. I say, then, that a person who shall +resign his soul to be wholly subject to one director will make a great +mistake, if he is in religion, unless he finds a director of this +kind, because of the obedience due to his own superior. His director +may be deficient in the three requisites I speak +of, [<a href="#l13note12">12</a>] and that will be no slight cross, +without voluntarily subjecting the understanding to one whose +understanding is none of the best. At least, I have never been able +to bring myself to do it, neither does it seem to me to be right.</p> +<p><a name="l13.29">29</a>. But if he be a person living in the world, +let him praise God for the power he has of choosing whom he will obey, +and let him not lose so excellent a liberty; yea, rather let him be +without a director till he finds him--for our Lord will give him one, +if he is really humble, and has a desire to meet with the right +person. I praise God greatly--we women, and those who are unlearned, +ought always to render Him unceasing thanks--because there are persons +who, by labours so great, have attained to the truth, of which we +unlearned people are ignorant. I often wonder at learned +men--particularly those who are in religion--when I think of the +trouble they have had in acquiring that which they communicate to me +for my good, and that without any more trouble to me than the asking +for it. And yet there are people who will not take advantage of their +learning: God grant it may not be so!</p> +<p><a name="l13.30">30</a>. I see them undergo the poverty of the +religious life, which is great, together with its penances, its meagre +food, the yoke of obedience, which makes me ashamed of myself at +times; and with all this, interrupted sleep, trials everywhere, +everywhere the Cross. I think it would be a great evil for any one to +lose so great a good by his own fault. It may be some of us, who are +exempted from these burdens--who have our food put into our mouths, as +they say, and live at our ease--may think, because we give ourselves a +little more to prayer, that we are raised above the necessity of such +great hardships. Blessed be Thou, O Lord, who hast made me so +incapable and so useless; but I bless Thee still more for this--that +Thou quickenest so many to quicken us. Our prayer must therefore be +very earnest for those who give us light. What should we be without +them in the midst of these violent storms which now disturb the +Church? If some have fallen, the good will shine more and +more. [<a href="#l13note13">13</a>] May it please our Lord to hold +them in His hand, and help them, that they may help us.</p> +<p><a name="l13.31">31</a>. I have gone far away from the subject I +began to speak of; but all is to the purpose for those who are +beginners, that they may begin a journey which is so high in such a +way as that they shall go on by the right road. Coming back, then, to +what I spoke of before, [<a href="#l13note14">14</a>] the meditation on +Christ bound to the pillar, it is well we should make reflections for +a time, and consider the sufferings He there endured, for whom He +endured them, who He is who endured them, and the love with which He +bore them. But a person should not always fatigue himself in making +these reflections, but rather let him remain there with Christ, in the +silence of the understanding.</p> +<p><a name="l13.32">32</a>. If he is able, let him employ himself in +looking upon Christ, who is looking upon him; let him accompany Him, +and make his petitions to Him; let him humble himself, and delight +himself in Christ, and keep in mind that he never deserved to be +there. When he shall be able to do this, though it may be in the +beginning of his prayer, he will find great advantage; and this way of +prayer brings great advantages with it--at least, so my soul has found +it. I do not know whether I am describing it aright; you, my father, +will see to it. May our Lord grant me to please Him rightly for +ever! Amen.</p> +<hr title="Notes"> +<p><small><a name="l13note1">1</a>. <a href="#l11.24">Ch. +xi. § 24</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l13note2">2</a>. Philipp. iv. 13; <span +lang="la">"Omnia possum in Eo."</span></small></p> +<p><small><a name="l13note3">3</a>. <cite +lang="la"><abbr title="Confessiones">Confess.</abbr></cite> x. ch. 29: +<span lang="la">"Da quod jubes, et jube +quod vis."</span></small></p> +<p><small><a name="l13note4">4</a>. <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> +Matt. xiv. 30: <span lang="la">"Videns vero ventum +validum, timuit."</span></small></p> +<p><small><a name="l13note5">5</a>. <a href="#l7.27">Ch. +vii. §§ 27</a>, <a href="#l7.31">31</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l13note6">6</a>. <a href="#l7.16">Ch. +vii. § 16</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l13note7">7</a>. See <a +href="#l31.7">ch. xxxi. § 7</a>, and <a +href="#l39.14">ch. xxxix. § 14</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l13note8">8</a>. <a href="#l12.3">Ch. +xii. § 3</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l13note9">9</a>. See <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> John of the Cross, <cite>Living Flame</cite>, +pp. 267, 278-284, Engl. trans.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l13note10">10</a>. See <a +href="#l15.20">ch. xv. § 20</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l13note11">11</a>. <a +href="#l13.18">§ 18</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l13note12">12</a>. Prudence, experience, and +learning; see <a href="#l13.24">§ 24</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l13note13">13</a>. Dan. xii. 3: <span +lang="la">"Qui autem docti fuerint, fulgebunt quasi +splendor firmamenti."</span></small></p> +<p><small><a name="l13note14">14</a>. <a +href="#l13.19">§ 19</a>.</small></p> +<hr title="Text"> +<h3><a name="l14.0">Chapter XIV.</a></h3> +<p><big>The Second State of Prayer. Its Supernatural +Character.</big></p> +<p><a name="l14.1">1</a>. Having spoken of the toilsome efforts and of +the strength required for watering the garden when we have to draw the +water out of the well, let us now speak of the second manner of +drawing the water, which the Lord of the vineyard has ordained; of the +machine of wheel and buckets whereby the gardener may draw more water +with less labour, and be able to take some rest without being +continually at work. This, then, is what I am now going to describe; +and I apply it to the prayer called the prayer of quiet.</p> +<p><a name="l14.2">2</a>. Herein the soul begins to be recollected; it +is now touching on the supernatural--for it never could by any efforts +of its own attain to this. True, it seems at times to have been +wearied at the wheel, labouring with the understanding, and filling +the buckets; but in this second degree the water is higher, and +accordingly the labour is much less than it was when the water had to +be drawn up out of the well; I mean, that the water is nearer to it, +for grace reveals itself more distinctly to the soul.</p> +<p><a name="l14.3">3</a>. This is a gathering together of the +faculties of the soul within itself, in order that it may have the +fruition of that contentment in greater sweetness; but the faculties +are not lost, neither are they asleep: the will alone is occupied in +such a way that, without knowing how it has become a captive, it gives +a simple consent to become the prisoner of God; for it knows well what +is to be the captive of Him it loves. O my Jesus and my Lord, how +pressing now is Thy love! [<a href="#l14note1">1</a>] It binds our +love in bonds so straitly, that it is not in its power at this moment +to love anything else but Thee.</p> +<p><a name="l14.4">4</a>. The other two faculties help the will, that +it may render itself capable of the fruition of so great a good; +nevertheless, it occasionally happens, even when the will is in union, +that they hinder it very much: but then it should never heed them at +all, simply abiding in its fruition and +quiet. [<a href="#l14note2">2</a>] For if it tried to make them +recollected, it would miss its way together with them, because they +are at this time like doves which are not satisfied with the food the +master of the dovecot gives them without any labouring for it on their +part, and which go forth in quest of it elsewhere, and so hardly find +it that they come back. And so the memory and the understanding come +and go, seeking whether the will is going to give them that into the +fruition ofwhich it has entered itself.</p> +<p><a name="l14.5">5</a>. If it be our Lord's pleasure to throw them +any food, they stop; if not, they go again to seek it. They must be +thinking that they are of some service to the will; and now and then +the memory or the imagination, seeking to represent to it that of +which it has the fruition, does it harm. The will, therefore, should +be careful to deal with them as I shall explain. Everything that takes +place now in this state brings the very greatest consolation; and the +labour is so slight, that prayer, even if persevered in for some time, +is never wearisome. The reason is, that the understanding is now +working very gently, and is drawing very much more water than it drew +out of the well. The tears, which God now sends, flow with joy; +though we feel them, they are not the result of any efforts of +our own.</p> +<p><a name="l14.6">6</a>. This water of grand blessings and graces, +which our Lord now supplies, makes the virtues thrive much more, +beyond all comparison, than they did in the previous state of prayer; +for the soul is already ascending out of its wretched state, and some +little knowledge of the blissfulness of glory is communicated to it. +This, I believe, is it that makes the virtues grow the more, and also +to draw nearer to essential virtue, God Himself, from Whom all virtues +proceed; for His Majesty has begun to communicate Himself to this +soul, and will have it feel how He is communicating Himself.</p> +<p><a name="l14.7">7</a>. As soon as the soul has arrived thus far, it +begins to lose the desire of earthly +things, [<a href="#l14note3">3</a>] and no wonder; for it sees clearly +that, even for a moment, this joy is not to be had on earth; that +there are no riches, no dominion, no honours, no delights, that can +for one instant, even for the twinkling of an eye, minister such a +joy; for it is a true satisfaction, and the soul sees that it really +does satisfy. Now, we who are on earth, as it seems to me, scarcely +ever understand wherein our satisfaction lies, for it is always liable +to disappointment; but in this, at that time, there is none: the +disappointment cometh afterwards, when the soul sees that all is over, +and that it has no power to recover it, neither does it know how; for +if it cut itself in pieces by penance and prayer, and every other kind +of austerities, all would be of little use, if our Lord did not grant +it. God, in His great mercy, will have the soul comprehend that His +Majesty is so near to it, that it need not send messengers to Him, but +may speak to Him itself, and not with a loud crying, because so near +is He already, that He understands even the movements of its lips.</p> +<p><a name="l14.8">8</a>. It seems absurd to say this, seeing that we +know that God understands us always, and is present with us. It is +so, and there can be no doubt of it; but our Emperor and Lord will +have us now understand that He understands us; and also have us +understand what His presence bringeth about, and that He means in a +special way to begin a work in the soul, which is manifested in the +great joy, inward and outward, which He communicates, and in the +difference there is, as I said just now, between this joy and delight +and all the joys of earth; for He seems to be filling up the void in +our souls occasioned by our sins.</p> +<p><a name="l14.9">9</a>. This satisfaction lies in the innermost part +of the soul, and the soul knows not whence, nor how, it came, very +often it knows not what to do, or wish, or pray for. It seems to find +all this at once, and knoweth not what it hath found; nor do I know +how to explain it, because learning is necessary for many things. +Here, indeed, learning would be very much to the purpose, in order to +explain the general and particular helps of grace; for there are many +who know nothing about them. Learning would serve to show how our +Lord now will have the soul to see, as it were, with the naked eye, as +men speak, this particular help of grace, and be also useful in many +other ways wherein I am likely to go astray. But as what I write is +to be seen by those who have the learning to discover whether I make +mistakes or not, I go on without anxiety; for I know I need have none +whatever about either the letter or the spirit, because it is in their +power to whom it is to be sent to do with it as they will: they will +understand it, and blot out whatever may be amiss.</p> +<p><a name="l14.10">10</a>. I should like them to explain this, +because it is a principal point, and because a soul, when our Lord +begins to bestow these graces upon it, does not understand them, and +does not know what to do with itself; for if God leads it by the way +of fear, as He led me, its trial will be heavy, if there be no one who +understands the state it is in; and to see itself as in a picture is a +great comfort; and then it sees clearly that it is travelling on that +road. The knowledge of what it has to do is a great blessing for it, +so that it may advance forwards in every one of these degrees of +prayer; for I have suffered greatly, and lost much time, because I did +not know what to do; and I am very sorry for those souls who find +themselves alone when they come to this state; for though I read many +spiritual books, wherein this very matter is discussed, they threw +very little light upon it. And if it be not a soul much exercised in +prayer, it will find it enough to understand its state, be the books +ever so clear.</p> +<p><a name="l14.11">11</a>. I wish much that our Lord would help me to +describe the effects on the soul of these things, now that they begin +to be supernatural, so that men might know by these effects whether +they come from the Spirit of God. I mean, known as things are known +here below--though it is always well to live in fear, and on our +guard; for even if they do come from God, now and then the devil will +be able to transform himself into an angel of +light; [<a href="#l14note4">4</a>] and the soul, if not experienced +herein, will not understand the matter; and it must have so much +experience for the understanding thereof, that it is necessary it +should have attained to the highest perfection of prayer.</p> +<p><a name="l14.12">12</a>. The little time I have helps me but +little, and it is therefore necessary His Majesty should undertake it +Himself; for I have to live in community, and have very many things to +employ me, as I am in a house which is newly founded--as will appear +hereafter; [<a href="#l14note5">5</a>] and so I am writing, with very +many interruptions, by little and little at a time. I wish I had +leisure; for when our Lord gives the spirit, it is more easily and +better done; it is then as with a person working embroidery with the +pattern before her; but if the spirit be wanting, there is no more +meaning in the words than in gibberish, so to speak, though many years +may have been spent in prayer. And thus I think it a very great +advantage to be in this state of prayer when I am writing this; for I +see clearly that it is not I who speak, nor is it I who with her +understanding has arranged it; and afterwards I do not know how I came +to speak so accurately. [<a href="#l14note6">6</a>] It has often +happened to me thus.</p> +<p><a name="l14.13">13</a>. Let us now return to our orchard, or +flower-garden, and behold now how the trees begin to fill with sap for +the bringing forth of the blossoms, and then of the fruit--the flowers +and the plants, also, their fragrance. This illustration pleases me; +for very often, when I was beginning--and our Lord grant that I have +really begun to serve His Majesty--I mean, begun in relation to what I +have to say of my life,--it was to me a great joy to consider my soul +as a garden, and our Lord as walking in it. I used to beseech Him to +increase the fragrance of the little flowers of virtues--which were +beginning, as it seemed to bud--and preserve them, that they might be +to His glory; for I desired nothing for myself. I prayed Him to cut +those He liked, because I already knew that they would grow +the better.</p> +<p><a name="l14.14">14</a>. I say cut; for there are times in which +the soul has no recollection of this garden--everything seems parched, +and there is no water to be had for preserving it--and in which it +seems as if the soul had never possessed any virtue at all. This is +the season of heavy trials; for our Lord will have the poor gardener +suppose all the trouble he took in maintaining and watering the garden +to have been taken to no purpose. Then is the time really for weeding +and rooting out every plant, however small it may be, that is +worthless, in the knowledge that no efforts of ours are sufficient, if +God withholds from us the waters of His grace; and in despising +ourselves as being nothing, and even less than nothing. In this way +we gain great humility--the flowers grow afresh.</p> +<p><a name="l14.15">15</a>. O my Lord and my Good! I cannot utter +these words without tears, and rejoicing in my soul; for Thou wilt be +thus with us, and art with us, in the Sacrament. We may believe so +most truly; for so it is, and the comparison I make is a great truth; +and, if our sins stand not in the way, we may rejoice in Thee, because +Thou rejoicest in us; for Thou hast told us that Thy delight is to be +with the children of men. [<a href="#l14note7">7</a>] O my Lord, what +does it mean? Whenever I hear these words, they always give me great +consolation, and did so even when I was most wicked.</p> +<p><a name="l14.16">16</a>. Is it possible, 0 Lord, that there can be +a soul which, after attaining to this state wherein Thou bestowest +upon it the like graces and consolations, and wherein it understands +that Thou delightest to be with it, can yet fall back and offend Thee +after so many favours, and such great demonstrations of the love Thou +bearest it, and of which there cannot be any doubt, because the effect +of it is so visible? Such a soul there certainly is; for I have done +so, not once, but often. May it please Thy goodness, O Lord, that I +may be alone in my ingratitude--the only one who has committed so +great an iniquity, and whose ingratitude has been so immeasurable! +But even out of my ingratitude Thine infinite goodness has brought +forth some good; and the greater my wickedness, the greater the +splendour of the great mercy of Thy compassions. Oh, what reasons +have I to magnify them for ever!</p> +<p><a name="l14.17">17</a>. May it be so, I beseech Thee, O my God, +and may I sing of them for ever, now that Thou hast been pleased to +show mercies so great unto me that they who see them are astonished, +mercies which draw me out of myself continually, that I may praise +Thee more and more! for, remaining in myself, without Thee, I could +do nothing, O my Lord, but be as the withered flowers of the garden; +so that this miserable earth of mine becomes a heap of refuse, as it +was before. Let it not be so, O Lord!--let not a soul which Thou hast +purchased with so many labours be lost, one which Thou hast so often +ransomed anew, and delivered from between the teeth of the +hideous dragon!</p> +<p><a name="l14.18">18</a>. You, my father, must forgive me for +wandering from the subject; and, as I am speaking to the purpose I +have in view, you must not be surprised. What I write is what my soul +has understood; and it is very often hard enough to abstain from the +praises of God when, in the course of writing, the great debt I owe +Him presents itself before me. Nor do I think that it can be +disagreeable to you; because both of us, I believe, may sing the same +song, though in a different way; for my debt is much the greater, +seeing that God has forgiven me more, as you, my father, know.</p> +<hr title="Notes"> +<p><small><a name="l14note1">1</a>. 2 Cor. v. 14: <span +lang="la">"Charitas enim Christi +urget nos."</span></small></p> +<p><small><a name="l14note2">2</a>. See <a +href="#l17.12">ch. xvii. § 12</a>; <cite>Way of +Perfection</cite>, ch. liii., but xxxi. of the +old editions.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l14note3">3</a>. See <a +href="#r1.12"><cite>Relation</cite>, i. +§ 12</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l14note4">4</a>. 2 Cor. xi. 14: <span +lang="la">"Ipse enim Satanas transfigurat se in +angelum lucis."</span></small></p> +<p><small><a name="l14note5">5</a>. See <a +href="#l10.11">ch. x. § 11</a>. As that passage refers +probably to the monastery of the Incarnation, this must refer to that +of <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Joseph, newly founded in Avila; for +that of the Incarnation was founded a short time before the Saint was +born; and she could hardly say of it, now that she was at least in her +forty-seventh year, that it was newly founded. The house, however, +was poor; for she says, <a href="#l33.12">ch. xxxii. § +12</a>, that the nuns occasionally quitted the monastery for a time, +because of its poverty.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l14note6">6</a>. See <a +href="#l18.10">ch. xviii. § 10</a>. In the second Report +of the Rota, p. 477--quoted by Benedict XIV., <cite lang="la">De +Canoniz.</cite> iii. 26, n. 12, and by the Bollandists in the <cite +lang="la">Acta</cite>, 1315--we have these words, and they throw great +light on the text: <span lang="la">"Sunt et alli testes de visu +affirmantes quod quando beata Teresa scribebat libros, facies ejus +resplendebat."</span> In the information taken in Granada, the +Mother Anne of the Incarnation says she saw the Saint one night, while +writing the <cite>Fortress of the Soul</cite>, with her face shining; +and Mary of <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Francis deposes to the same +effect in the informations taken in Medina (<cite>De la Fuente</cite>, +vol. ii. pp. 389, 392).</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l14note7">7</a>. Prov. viii. 31: <span +lang="la">"Deliciæ meæ esse cum +filiis hominum."</span></small></p> +<hr title="Text"> +<h3><a name="l15.0">Chapter XV.</a></h3> +<p><big>Instructions for Those Who Have Attained to the Prayer of +Quiet. Many Advance So Far, But Few Go Farther.</big></p> +<p><a name="l15.1">1</a>. Let us now go back to the subject. This +quiet and recollection of the soul makes itself in great measure felt +in the satisfaction and peace, attended with very great joy and repose +of the faculties, and most sweet delight, wherein the soul is +established. [<a href="#l15note1">1</a>] It thinks, because it has not +gone beyond it, that there is nothing further to wish for, but that +its abode might be there, and it would willingly say so with <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Peter. [<a href="#l15note2">2</a>] It dares +not move nor stir, because it thinks that this blessing it has +received must then escape out of its hands; now and then, it could +wish it did not even breathe. [<a href="#l15note3">3</a>] The poor +little soul is not aware that, as of itself it could do nothing to +draw down this blessing on itself, it is still less able to retain it +a moment longer than our Lord wills it should remain.</p> +<p><a name="l15.2">2</a>. I have already said that, in the prior +recollection and quiet, [<a href="#l15note4">4</a>] there is no failure +of the powers of the soul; but the soul is so satisfied in God that, +although two of its powers be distracted, yet, while the recollection +lasts, as the will abides in union with God, so its peace and quiet +are not disturbed; on the contrary, the will by degrees brings the +understanding and the memory back again; for though the will is not +yet altogether absorbed, it continues still occupied without knowing +how, so that, notwithstanding all the efforts of the memory and the +understanding, they cannot rob it of its delight and +joy [<a href="#l15note5">5</a>]--yea, rather, it helps without any +labour at all to keep this little spark of the love of God from +being quenched.</p> +<p><a name="l15.3">3</a>. Oh, that His Majesty would be gracious unto +me, and enable me to give a clear account of the matter; for many are +the souls who attain to this state, and few are they who go farther: +and I know not who is in fault; most certainly it is not God; for when +His Majesty shows mercy unto a soul, so that it advances so far, I +believe that He will not fail to be more merciful still, if there be +no shortcomings on our part.</p> +<p><a name="l15.4">4</a>. And it is of great importance for the soul +that has advanced so far as this to understand the great dignity of +its state, the great grace given it by our Lord, and how in all reason +it should not belong to earth; because He, of His goodness, seems to +make it here a denizen of heaven, unless it be itself in fault. And +miserable will that soul be if it turns back; it will go down, I think +so, even to the abyss, as I was going myself, if the mercy of our Lord +had not brought me back; because, for the most part, it must be the +effect of grave faults--that is my opinion: nor is it possible to +forsake so great a good otherwise than through the blindness +occasioned by much evil.</p> +<p><a name="l15.5">5</a>. Therefore, for the love of our Lord, I +implore those souls to whom His Majesty has given so great a +grace--the attainment of this state--to know and make much of +themselves, with a humble and holy presumption, in order that they may +never return to the flesh-pots of Egypt. And if through weakness and +wickedness, and a mean and wretched nature, they should fall, as I +did, let them always keep in mind the good they have lost; let them +suspect and fear--they have reason to do so--that, if they do not +resume their prayer, they may go on from bad to worse. I call that a +real fall which makes us hate the way by which so great a good was +obtained. I address myself to those souls; but I am not saying that +they will never offend God, nor fall into sin,--though there are good +reasons why those who have received these graces should keep +themselves carefully from sin; but we are miserable creatures. What I +earnestly advise is this: let there be no giving up of prayer; it is +by prayer they will understand what they are doing, and obtain from +our Lord the grace to repent, and strength to rise again; they must +believe and believe again that, if they cease from praying, they +run--so I think--into danger. I know not if I understand what I am +saying; for, as I said before, I measure others +by myself. [<a href="#l15note6">6</a>]</p> +<p><a name="l15.6">6</a>. The prayer of quiet, then, is a little spark +of the true love of Himself, which our Lord begins to enkindle in the +soul; and His will is, that the soul should understand what this love +is by the joy it brings. This quiet and recollection and little +spark, if it is the work of the Spirit of God, and not a sweetness +supplied by Satan, or brought about by ourselves, produces great +results. A person of experience, however, cannot possibly fail to +understand at once that it is not a thing that can be acquired, were +it not that our nature is so greedy of sweetness, that it seeks for it +in every way. But it becomes cold very soon; for, however much we try +to make the fire burn, in order to obtain this sweetness, it does not +appear that we do anything else but throw water on it, to put it out. +This spark, then, given of God, however slight it may be, causes a +great crackling; and if men do not quench it by their faults, it is +the beginning of the great fire, which sends forth--I shall speak of +it in the proper place [<a href="#l15note7">7</a>]--the flames of that +most vehement love of God which His Majesty will have perfect souls +to possess.</p> +<p><a name="l15.7">7</a>. This little spark is a sign or pledge which +God gives to a soul, in token of His having chosen it for great +things, if it will prepare to receive them. It is a great gift, much +too great for me to be able to speak of it. It is a great sorrow to +me; because, as I said before, [<a href="#l15note8">8</a>] I know that +many souls come thus far, and that those who go farther, as they ought +to go, are so few, that I am ashamed to say it. I do not mean that +they are absolutely few: there must be many, because God is patient +with us, for some reasons; I speak of what I have seen.</p> +<p><a name="l15.8">8</a>. I should like much to recommend these souls +to take care that they do not hide their talent; for it may be that +God has chosen them to be the edification of many others, especially +in these days, when the friends of God should be strong, in order that +they may support the weak. Those who discern in themselves this +grace, must look upon themselves as such friends, if they would fulfil +the law which even the honourable friendship of the world respects; if +not, as I said just now, [<a href="#l15note9">9</a>] let them fear and +tremble, lest they should be doing mischief to themselves--and +God grant it be to themselves only!</p> +<p><a name="l15.9">9</a>. What the soul has to do at those seasons +wherein it is raised to the prayer of quiet is nothing more than to be +gentle and without noise. By noise, I mean going about with the +understanding in search of words and reflections whereby to give God +thanks for this grace, and heaping up its sins and imperfections +together to show that it does not deserve it. All this commotion +takes place now, and the understanding comes forward, and the memory +is restless, and certainly to me these powers bring much weariness at +times; for, though my memory is not strong, I cannot control it. Let +the will quietly and wisely understand that it is not by dint of +labour on our part that we can converse to any good purpose with God, +and that our own efforts are only great logs of wood, laid on without +discretion to quench this little spark; and let it confess this, and +in humility say, O Lord, what can I do here? what has the servant to +do with her Lord, and earth with heaven? or words of love that suggest +themselves now, firmly grounded in the conviction that what it says is +truth; and let it make no account of the understanding, which is +simply tiresome.</p> +<p><a name="l15.10">10</a>. And if the will wishes to communicate to +the understanding any portion of that the fruition of which itself has +entered on, or if it labours to make the understanding recollected, it +shall not succeed; for it will often happen that the will is in union +and at rest, while the understanding is in extreme disorder. It is +better for it to leave it alone, and not to run after it--I am +speaking of the will; for the will should abide in the fruition of +that grace, recollected itself, like the prudent bee; for if no bees +entered the hive, and each of them wandered abroad in search of the +rest, the honey would hardly be made. In the same way, the soul will +lose much if it be not careful now, especially if the understanding be +acute; for when it begins to make reflections and search for reasons, +it will think at once that it is doing something if its reasons and +reflections are good.</p> +<p><a name="l15.11">11</a>. The only reason that ought to be admitted +now is to understand clearly that there is no reason whatever, except +His mere goodness, why God should grant us so great a grace, and to be +aware that we are so near Him, and to pray to His Majesty for mercies, +to make intercession for the Church, for those who had been +recommended to us, and for the souls in purgatory,--not, however, with +noise of words, but with a heartfelt desire to be heard. This is a +prayer that contains much, and by it more is obtained than by many +reflections of the understanding. Let the will stir up some of those +reasons, which proceed from reason itself, to quicken its love, such +as the fact of its being in a better state, and let it make certain +acts of love, as what it will do for Him to whom it owes so much,--and +that, as I said just now, without any noise of the understanding, in +the search after profound reflections. A little straw,--and it will +be less than straw, if we bring it ourselves,--laid on with humility, +will be more effectual here, and will help to kindle a fire more than +many fagots of most learned reasons, which, in my opinion, will put it +out in a moment.</p> +<p><a name="l15.12">12</a>. This is good for those learned men who +have commanded me to write, [<a href="#l15note10">10</a>] and who all, +by the goodness of God, have come to this state; for it may be that +they spend the time in making applications of passages of the +Scriptures. And though learning could not fail to be of great use to +them, both before and after prayer, still, in the very time of prayer +itself, there is little necessity for it, in my opinion, unless it be +for the purpose of making the will tepid; for the understanding then, +because of its nearness to the light, is itself illuminated; so that +even I, who am what I am, seem to be a different person. And so it +is; for it has happened to me, who scarcely understand a word of what +I read in Latin, and specially in the Psalms, when in the prayer of +quiet, not only to understand the Latin as if it were Spanish, but, +still more, to take a delight in dwelling on the meaning of that I +knew through the Spanish. We must make an exception: if these learned +men have to preach or to teach, they will do well to take advantage of +their learning, that they may help poor people of little learning, of +whom I am one. Charity is a great thing; and so always is ministering +unto souls, when done simply for God.</p> +<p><a name="l15.13">13</a>. So, then, when the soul is in the prayer +of quiet, let it repose in its rest--let learning be put on one side. +The time will come when they may make use of it in the service of our +Lord--when they that possess it will appreciate it so highly as to be +glad that they had not neglected it even for all the treasures of the +world, simply because it enables them to serve His Majesty; for it is +a great help. But in the eyes of Infinite Wisdom, believe me, a +little striving after humility, and a single act thereof, are worth +more than all the science in the world. This is not the time for +discussing, but for understanding plainly what we are, and presenting +ourselves in simplicity before God, who will have the soul make itself +as a fool--as, indeed, it is--in His presence, seeing that His Majesty +so humbles Himself as to suffer it to be near Him, we being what +we are.</p> +<p><a name="l15.14">14</a>. Moreover, the understanding bestirs itself +to make its thanksgiving in phrases well arranged; but the will, in +peace, not daring to lift up its eyes with the +publican, [<a href="#l15note11">11</a>] makes perhaps a better act of +thanksgiving than the understanding, with all the tropes of its +rhetoric. In a word, mental prayer is not to be abandoned altogether +now, nor even vocal prayer, if at any time we wish, or can, to make +use of either of them; for if the state of quiet be profound, it +becomes difficult to speak, and it can be done only with +great pain.</p> +<p><a name="l15.15">15</a>. I believe myself that we know whether this +proceeds from the Spirit of God, or is brought about by endeavours of +our own, in the commencement of devotion which God gives; and we seek +of ourselves, as I said before, [<a href="#l15note12">12</a>] to pass +onwards to this quiet of the will. Then, no effect whatever is +produced; it is quickly over, and aridity is the result. If it comes +from Satan, the practised soul, in my opinion, will detect it, because +it leaves trouble behind, and scant humility and poor dispositions for +those effects which are wrought if it comes from God; it leaves +neither light in the understanding nor steadiness in +the truth. [<a href="#l15note13">13</a>]</p> +<p><a name="l15.16">16</a>. Here Satan can do little or no harm, if +the soul directs unto God the joy and sweetness it then feels; and if +it fixes the thoughts and desires on Him, according to the advice +already given, the devil can gain nothing whatever--on the contrary, +by the permission of God, he will lose much by that very joy which he +causes in the soul, because that joy will help the soul, inasmuch as +it thinks the joy comes from God, to betake itself often to prayer in +its desire for it. And if the soul is humble, indifferent to, and +detached from, all joy, however spiritual, and if it loves the cross, +it will make no account of the sweetness which Satan sends. But it +cannot so deal with that which comes from the Spirit of God; of that +it will make much. Now, when Satan sends it, as he is nothing but a +lie, and when he sees that the soul humbles itself through that joy +and sweetness--and here, in all things relating to prayer and +sweetness, we must be very careful to endeavour to make ourselves +humble,--Satan will not often repeat his work, when he sees that he +loses by it.</p> +<p><a name="l15.17">17</a>. For this and for many other reasons, when +I was speaking of the first degree of prayer, and of the first method +of drawing the water, [<a href="#l15note14">14</a>] I insisted upon +it that the great affair of souls is, when they begin to pray, to +begin also to detach themselves from every kind of joy, and to enter +on it resolved only on helping to carry the cross of Christ like good +soldiers, willing to serve their King without present pay, because +they are sure of it at last, having their eyes directed to the true +and everlasting kingdom at the conquest of which we are aiming.</p> +<p><a name="l15.18">18</a>. It is a very great matter to have this +always before our eyes, especially in the beginning; afterwards, it +becomes so clear, that it is rather a matter of necessity to forget +it, in order to live on. Now, labouring to keep in mind that all +things here below are of short duration, that they are all nothing, +that the rest we have here is to be accounted as none,--all this, I +say, seems to be exceedingly low; and so, indeed, it is,--because +those who have gone on to greater perfection would look upon it as a +reproach, and be ashamed of themselves, if they thought that they were +giving up the goods of this world because they are perishable, or that +they would not be glad to give them up for God--even if they were to +last for ever. The greater the perfection of these persons, the +greater their joy, and the greater also would that joy be if the +duration of these worldly goods were greater.</p> +<p><a name="l15.19">19</a>. In these persons, thus far advanced, love +is already grown, and love is that which does this work. But as to +beginners, to them it is of the utmost importance, and they must not +regard this consideration as unbecoming, for the blessings to be +gained are great,--and that is why I recommend it so much to them; for +they will have need of it--even those who have attained to great +heights of prayer--at certain times, when God will try them, and when +His Majesty seems to have forsaken them.</p> +<p><a name="l15.20">20</a>. I have said as much already, and I would +not have it forgotten, [<a href="#l15note15">15</a>] in this our life +on earth, the growth of the soul is not like that of the body. +We, however, so speak of it--and, in truth, it does grow. A youth +that is grown up, whose body is formed, and who is become a man, does +not ungrow, nor does his body lessen in size; but as to the soul, it +so is by our Lord's will, so far as I have seen it in my own +experience,--but I know nothing of it in any other way. It must be in +order to humble us for our greater good, and to keep us from being +careless during our exile; seeing that he who has ascended the higher +has the more reason to be afraid, and to be less confident in himself. +A time may come when they whose will is so wrapt up in the will of +God--and who, rather than fall into a single imperfection, would +undergo torture and suffer a thousand deaths--will find it necessary, +if they would be delivered from offending God, and from the commission +of sin, to make use of the first armour of prayer, to call to mind how +everything is coming to an end, that there is a heaven and a hell, and +to make use of other reflections of that nature, when they find +themselves assailed by temptations and persecutions.</p> +<p><a name="l15.21">21</a>. Let us go back to what I was saying. The +great source of our deliverance from the cunning devices and the +sweetness which Satan sends is to begin with a resolution to walk in +the way of the Cross from the very first, and not to desire any +sweetness at all, seeing that our Lord Himself has pointed out to us +the way of perfection, saying, "Take up thy cross and follow +Me." [<a href="#l15note16">16</a>] He is our example; and +whosoever follows His counsels only to please Him has nothing to fear. +In the improvement which they detect in themselves, they who do so +will see that this is no work of Satan and if they fall, they have a +sign of the presence of our Lord in their rising again at once. They +have other signs, also, of which I am going to speak.</p> +<p><a name="l15.22">22</a>. When it is the work of the Spirit of God, +there is no necessity for going about searching for reasons, on the +strength of which we may elicit acts of humility and of shame, because +our Lord Himself supplies them in a way very different from that by +which we could acquire them by our own poor reflections, which are as +nothing in comparison with that real humility arising out of the light +which our Lord here gives us, and which begets a confusion of face +that undoes us. The knowledge with which God supplies us, in order +that we may know that of ourselves we have no good in us, is perfectly +apprehended--and the more perfectly, the greater the graces. It fills +us with a great desire of advancing in prayer, and of never giving it +up, whatever troubles may arise. The soul offers to suffer +everything. A certain security, joined with humility and fear +concerning our salvation, casts out servile fear at once from the +soul, and in its place plants a loyal +fear [<a href="#l15note17">17</a>] of more perfect +growth. [<a href="#l15note18">18</a>] There is a visible beginning of +a love of God, utterly divested of all self-interest, together with a +longing after seasons of solitude, in order to obtain a greater +fruition of this good.</p> +<p><a name="l15.23">23</a>. In short, not to weary myself, it is the +beginning of all good; the flowers have so thriven, that they are on +the point of budding. And this the soul sees most clearly, and it is +impossible to persuade it now that God was not with it, till it turns +back upon itself, and beholds its own failings and imperfections. +Then it fears for everything; and it is well it should do so--though +there are souls whom the certain conviction that God is with them +benefits more than all the fear they may ever have. If a soul love +greatly, and is thankful naturally, the remembrance of the mercies of +God makes it turn to Him more effectually than all the chastisements +of hell it can ever picture to itself--at least, it was so with me, +though I am so wicked.</p> +<p><a name="l15.24">24</a>. As I shall speak at greater length of the +signs of a good spirit [<a href="#l15note19">19</a>]--it has cost me +much labour to be clear about them--I do not treat of them here. +I believe, too, that, with the help of God, I shall be able to speak +somewhat to the point, because--setting aside the experience I have +had, and by which I learned much--I have had the help of some most +learned men and persons of great holiness, whom we may reasonably +believe in the matter. Souls, therefore, are not to weary themselves +so much as I did, when, by the goodness of our Lord, they may have +come to this state.</p> +<hr title="Notes"> +<p><small><a name="l15note1">1</a>. See <cite>Way of +Perfection</cite>, ch. liii., but ch. xxxii of +the old edition.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l15note2">2</a>. <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> +Matt. xvii. 4: <span lang="la">"Bonum est nos +hic esse."</span></small></p> +<p><small><a name="l15note3">3</a>. See <a +href="#l17.6">ch. xvii. § 6</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l15note4">4</a>. <a href="#l10.1">Ch. x. +§ 1</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l15note5">5</a>. <a href="#l14.3">Ch. +xiv. §§ 3, 4</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l15note6">6</a>. <a href="#l10.9">Ch. x. +§ 9</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l15note7">7</a>. <a href="#l18.4">Ch. +xviii. § 4</a>, and <a href="#l21.9">ch. xxi. +§ 9</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l15note8">8</a>. <a +href="#l15.3">§ 3</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l15note9">9</a>. <a +href="#l15.5">§ 5</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l15note10">10</a>. <a href="#l10.1">Ch. +x. § 1</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l15note11">11</a>. <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> +Luke xviii. 13: <span lang="la">"Nolebat nec oculos ad +coelum levare."</span></small></p> +<p><small><a name="l15note12">12</a>. <a href="#l12.5">Ch. +xii. § 5</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l15note13">13</a>. <span lang="es">"Firmeza en +la verdad."</span> Francisco de St. Thoma, in his <cite +lang="la">Medulla Mystica</cite>, p. 204, quoting this passage, has, +<span lang="es">"firmeza en la voluntad."</span> Philip a +SS. Trinitate, <cite>Theolog. Mystic.</cite> p. 354, and his +Abbreviator, <abbr title="Antonius">Anton.</abbr> a <abbr +title="Spiritu">Sp.</abbr> Sancto, <cite +lang="la"><abbr title="Directorium Mysticum">Direct. +Mystic.</abbr></cite> tr. iv. disp. i. § 11, n. 94, seem also to have +preferred <span lang="es">"voluntad"</span> to <span +lang="es">"verdad;"</span> for the words they use are, <span +lang="la">"nec intellectui lux nec voluntati firmitas;"</span> +and, <span lang="la">"defectus lucis in intellectu, et firmitatis +in voluntate."</span></small></p> +<p><small><a name="l15note14">14</a>. <a href="#l11.16">Ch. +xi. § 16</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l15note15">15</a>. <a href="#l13.23">Ch. +xiii. § 23</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l15note16">16</a>. <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> +Matt. xvi. 24: <span lang="la">"Tollat crucem suam et +sequatur Me."</span></small></p> +<p><small><a name="l15note17">17</a>. <span lang="es">"Fiel +temor."</span> In the +previous editions it was <em lang="es">filial</em>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l15note18">18</a>. <a href="#l11.1">Ch. +xi. § 1</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l15note19">19</a>. See <a +href="#l25.0">ch. xxv</a>.</small></p> +<hr title="Text"> +<h3><a name="l16.0">Chapter XVI.</a></h3> +<p><big>The Third State of Prayer. Deep Matters. What the Soul Can +Do That Has Reached It. Effects of the Great Graces of +Our Lord.</big></p> +<p><a name="l16.1">1</a>. Let us now speak of the third water +wherewith this garden is watered,--water running from a river or from +a brook,--whereby the garden is watered with very much less trouble, +although there is some in directing the +water. [<a href="#l16note1">1</a>] In this state our Lord will help +the gardener, and in such a way as to be, as it were, the Gardener +Himself, doing all the work. It is a sleep of the powers of the soul, +which are not wholly lost, nor yet understanding how they are at work. +The pleasure, sweetness, and delight are incomparably greater than in +the former state of prayer; and the reason is, that the waters of +grace have risen up to the neck of the soul, so that it can neither +advance nor retreat--nor does it know how to do so; it seeks only the +fruition of exceeding bliss. It is like a dying man with the candle +in his hand, on the point of dying the death desired. It is rejoicing +in this agony with unutterable joy; to me it seems to be nothing else +but a death, as it were, to all the things of this world, and a +fruition of God. I know of no other words whereby to describe it or +to explain it; neither does the soul then know what to do,--for it +knows not whether to speak or be silent, whether it should laugh or +weep. It is a glorious folly, a heavenly madness, wherein true wisdom +is acquired; and to the soul a kind of fruition most full +of delight. [<a href="#l16note2">2</a>]</p> +<p><a name="l16.2">2</a>. It is now some five or six years, I believe, +since our Lord raised me to this state of prayer, in its fulness, and +that more than once,--and I never understood it, and never could +explain it; and so I was resolved, when I should come thus far in my +story, to say very little or nothing at all. I knew well enough that +it was not altogether the union of all the faculties, and yet most +certainly it was higher than the previous state of prayer; but I +confess that I could not determine and understand the difference.</p> +<p><a name="l16.3">3</a>. The humility of your reverence, willing to +be helped by a simplicity so great as mine, has been the cause, I +believe, why our Lord, to-day, after Communion, admitted me to this +state of prayer, without the power of going further, and suggested to +me these comparisons, and taught me how to speak of it, and of what +the soul must do therein. Certainly, I was amazed, and in a moment +understood it all. I have often been thus, as it were, beside myself, +drunk with love, and yet never could understand how it was. I knew +well that it was the work of God, but I never was able to understand +the manner of His working here; for, in fact, the faculties are almost +all completely in union, yet not so absorbed that they do not act. I +have been singularly delighted in that I have been able to comprehend +the matter at last. Blessed be our Lord, who has thus +consoled me!</p> +<p><a name="l16.4">4</a>. The faculties of the soul now retain only +the power of occupying themselves wholly with God; not one of them +ventures to stir, neither can we move one of them without making great +efforts to distract ourselves--and, indeed, I do not think we can do +it at all at this time. Many words are then uttered in praise of +God--but disorderly, unless it be that our Lord orders them himself. +At least, the understanding is utterly powerless here; the soul longs +to send forth words of praise, but it has no control over itself,--it +is in a state of sweet restlessness. The flowers are already opening; +they are beginning to send forth their fragrance.</p> +<p><a name="l16.5">5</a>. The soul in this state would have all men +behold and know of its bliss, to the praise of God, and help it to +praise Him. It would have them to be partakers of its joy; for its +joy is greater than it can bear. It seems to me that it is like the +woman in the Gospel, who would, or used to, call in her +neighbours. [<a href="#l16note3">3</a>] The admirable spirit of David, +the royal prophet, must have felt in the same way, so it seems to me, +when he played on the harp, singing the praises of God. I have a very +great devotion to this glorious king; [<a href="#l16note4">4</a>] and I +wish all had it, particularly those who are sinners like myself.</p> +<p><a name="l16.6">6</a>. O my God, what must that soul be when it is +in this state? It wishes it were all tongue, in order that it may +praise our Lord. It utters a thousand holy follies, striving +continually to please Him by whom it is thus possessed. I know +one [<a href="#l16note5">5</a>] who, though she was no poet, yet +composed, without any preparation, certain stanzas, full of feeling, +most expressive of her pain: they were not the work of her own +understanding; but, in order to have a greater fruition of that bliss +which so sweet a pain occasioned her, she complained of it in that way +to God. She was willing to be cut in pieces, soul and body, to show +the delight she felt in that pain. To what torments could she be then +exposed, that would not be delicious to endure for her Lord? She sees +clearly that the martyrs did little or nothing, so far as they were +concerned, when they endured their tortures, because the soul is well +aware that its strength is derived from another source.</p> +<p><a name="l16.7">7</a>. But what will be its sufferings when it +returns to the use of the senses, to live in the world, and go back to +the anxieties and the fashions thereof? I do not think that I have +exaggerated in any way, but rather have fallen short, in speaking of +that joy, which our Lord, of His good pleasure, gives to the soul in +this its exile. Blessed for ever be Thou, O Lord! and may all created +things praise Thee for ever!</p> +<p><a name="l16.8">8</a>. O my King, seeing that I am now, while +writing this, still under the power of this heavenly madness, an +effect of Thy mercy and goodness,--and it is a mercy I never +deserved,--grant, I beseech Thee, that all those with whom I may have +to converse may become mad through Thy love, or let me converse with +none, or so order it that I may have nothing to do in the world, or +take me away from it. This Thy servant, O my God, is no longer able +to endure sufferings so great as those are which she must bear when +she sees herself without Thee if she must live, she seeks no repose in +this life,--and do Thou give her none. This my soul longs to be +free--eating is killing it, and sleep is wearisome; it sees itself +wasting the time of this life in comforts, and that there is no +comfort for it now but in Thee; it seems to be living contrary to +nature--for now, it desires to live not in itself, but in Thee.</p> +<p><a name="l16.9">9</a>. O my true Lord and my happiness! what a +cross hast Thou prepared for those who attain to this state!--light +and most heavy at the same time: light, because sweet; heavy, because +now and then there is no patience left to endure it--and yet the soul +never wishes to be delivered from it, unless it be that it may come to +Thee. When the soul remembers that it has never served Thee at all, +and that by living on it may do Thee some service, it longs for a +still heavier cross, and never to die before the end of the world. +Its own repose it counts as nothing in comparison with doing a slight +service to Thee. It knows not what to desire; but it clearly +understands that it desires nothing else but Thee.</p> +<p><a name="l16.10">10</a>. O my son, [<a href="#l16note6">6</a>] so +humble is he to whom this writing is directed, and who has commanded +me to write, that he suffers himself to be thus addressed,--you, my +father, only must see these things, in which I seem to have +transgressed all bounds; for no reason can keep me reasonable when our +Lord draws me out of myself. Since my communion this +morning, [<a href="#l16note7">7</a>] I do not believe that I am the +person who is speaking; I seem to be dreaming the things I see, and I +wish I might never see any but people ill, as I am now. I beseech +you, my father, let us all be mad, for the love of Him who for our +sakes suffered men to say of Him that He +was mad. [<a href="#l16note8">8</a>]</p> +<p><a name="l16.11">11</a>. You, my father, say that you wish me well. +I wish you would prove it by disposing yourself so that God may bestow +this grace upon you; for I see very few people who have not too much +sense for everything they have to do: and it may be that I have more +than anybody else. Your reverence must not allow it; you are my +father, for you are my confessor, and the person to whom I have +trusted my soul; disperse my delusions by telling the truth; for +truths of this sort are very rarely told.</p> +<p><a name="l16.12">12</a>. I wish we five, who now love one another +in our Lord, had made some such arrangement as this: as others in +these times have met together in secret [<a href="#l16note9">9</a>] to +plot wickedness and heresies against His Majesty, so we might contrive +to meet together now and then, in order to undeceive one another, to +tell each other wherein we might improve ourselves, and be more +pleasing unto God; for there is no one that knows himself as well as +he is known of others who see him, if it be with eyes of love and the +wish to do him good. I say; in secret; for language of this kind is +no longer in use; even preachers go about arranging their sermons so +as to displease no one. [<a href="#l16note10">10</a>] They have a +good intention, and their work is good; yet still few amend their +lives. But how is it that they are not many who, in consequence of +these sermons, abstain from public sins? Well, I think it is because +the preachers are highly sensible men. They are not burning with the +great fire of the love of God, as the Apostles were, casting worldly +prudence aside; and so their fire throws out but little heat. I do +not say that their fire ought to burn like that of the Apostles, but I +do wish it were a stronger fire than I see it is. Do you, my father, +know wherein much of this fire consists? In the hatred of this life, +in the desertion of its honours, in being utterly indifferent whether +we lose or gain anything or everything, provided the truth be told and +maintained for the glory of God; for he who is courageously in earnest +for God, looks upon loss or gain indifferently. I do not say that I +am a person of this kind, but I wish I was.</p> +<p><a name="l16.13">13</a>. Oh, grand freedom, to regard it as a +captivity to be obliged to live and converse with men according to the +laws of the world! It is the gift of our Lord; there is not a slave +who would not imperil everything that he might escape and return to +his country; and as this is the true road, there is no reason why we +should linger; for we shall never effectually gain a treasure so +great, so long as this life is not ended. May our Lord give us His +grace for that end! You, my father, if it shall seem good to you, +will tear up what I have written, and consider it as a letter for +yourself alone, and forgive me that I have been very bold.</p> +<hr title="Notes"> +<p><small><a name="l16note1">1</a>. "The third degree, or third +water, of the Saint, must begin, I think, with the prayer of infused +recollection, include that of infused quiet, and end in that of +inebriation; because it is not in our power to draw this water--all we +can do is to direct the stream." (Francis. de St. Thoma, <cite +lang="la">Medulla Mystica</cite>, tr. iv. ch. xii. +p. 208).</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l16note2">2</a>. See <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> +John of the Cross, <cite><abbr title="Spiritual">Spirit.</abbr> +Canticle</cite>, stanza xvii. vol. ii. p. 98, Engl. trans.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l16note3">3</a>. <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> +Luke xv. 9: <span lang="la">"Convocat amicas +et vicinas."</span></small></p> +<p><small><a name="l16note4">4</a>. <cite>Foundations</cite>, ch. +xxix. § 9.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l16note5">5</a>. The Saint herself (<cite>De +la Fuente</cite>).</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l16note6">6</a>. This was either <abbr +title="Fra">F.</abbr> Ybañez or the Inquisitor Soto, if the expression +did not occur in the first Life. <abbr +title="Fra">F.</abbr> <abbr title="Domingo">Dom.</abbr> Bañes struck +out "son," and wrote "father" in its place, omitting +the words, "so humble is he" (<cite>De +la Fuente</cite>).</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l16note7">7</a>. See <a href="#l16.3">§ 3</a>, +above.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l16note8">8</a>. <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> +John x. 20: <span lang="la">"Dæmonium habet +et insanit."</span></small></p> +<p><small><a name="l16note9">9</a>. The Saint refers to the secret +meetings of heretics in Valladolid, under the direction of a fallen +priest, the Doctor Agostino Cazalla, whose vanity led him to imitate +Luther. Some nuns in Valladolid were imprisoned, Cazalla strangled, +and his body burnt, in 1559 (<cite>De la Fuente</cite>).</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l16note10">10</a>. Father Bañes wrote here on the +margin of the Saint's <abbr title="manuscript">MS</abbr>, +<span lang="la">"Legant prædicatores"</span> (<cite>De +la Fuente</cite>).</small></p> +<hr title="Text"> +<h3><a name="l17.0">Chapter XVII.</a></h3> +<p><big>The Third State of Prayer. The Effects Thereof. The +Hindrance Caused by the Imagination and the Memory.</big></p> +<p><a name="l17.1">1</a>. Enough has been said of this manner of +prayer, and of what the soul has to do, or rather, to speak more +correctly, of what God is doing within it; for it is He who now takes +upon Himself the gardener's work, and who will have the soul take its +ease; except that the will is consenting to the graces, the fruition +of which it has, and that it must resign itself to all that the True +Wisdom would accomplish in it--for which it is certain it has need of +courage; because the joy is so great, that the soul seems now and then +to be on the very point of going forth out of the body: and what a +blessed death that would be! Now, I think it is for the soul's +good--as you, my father, have been told--to abandon itself into the +arms of God altogether; if He will take it to heaven, let it go; if to +hell, no matter, as it is going thither with its sovereign Good. If +life is to come to an end for ever, so it wills; if it is to last a +thousand years, it wills that also: His Majesty may do with it as with +His own property,--the soul no longer belongs to itself, it has been +given wholly to our Lord; let it cast all care utterly away.</p> +<p><a name="l17.2">2</a>. My meaning is that, in a state of prayer, so +high as this, the soul understands that God is doing His work without +any fatiguing of the understanding, except that, as it seems to me, it +is as if amazed in beholding our Lord taking upon Himself the work of +the good gardener, refusing to let the soul undergo any labour +whatever, but that of taking its pleasure in the flowers beginning to +send forth their fragrance; for when God raises a soul up to this +state, it can do all this, and much more,--for these are the effects +of it.</p> +<p><a name="l17.3">3</a>. In one of these visits, how brief soever it +may be, the Gardener, being who He is,--in a word, the Creator of the +water,--pours the water without stint; and what the poor soul, with +the labour, perhaps, of twenty years in fatiguing the understanding, +could not bring about, that the heavenly Gardener accomplishes in an +instant, causing the fruit both to grow and ripen; so that the soul, +such being the will of our Lord, may derive its sustenance from its +garden. But He allows it not to divide the fruit with others, until +by eating thereof, it is strong enough not to waste it in the mere +tasting of it,--giving to Him none of the produce, nor making any +compensation for it to Him who supplies it,--lest it should be +maintaining others, feeding them at its own cost, and itself perhaps +dying of hunger. [<a href="#l17note1">1</a>] The meaning of this is +perfectly clear for those who have understanding enough to apply +it--much more clear than I can make it; and I am tired.</p> +<p><a name="l17.4">4</a>. Finally, the virtues are now stronger than +they were during the preceding prayer of quiet; for the soul sees +itself to be other than it was, and it knows not how it is beginning +to do great things in the odour which the flowers send forth; it being +our Lord's will that the flowers should open, in order that the soul +may believe itself to be in possession of virtue; though it sees most +clearly that it cannot, and never could, acquire them in many years, +and that the heavenly Gardener has given them to it in that instant. +Now, too, the humility of the soul is much greater and deeper than it +was before; because it sees more clearly that it did neither much nor +little, beyond giving its consent that our Lord might work those +graces in it, and then accepting them willingly.</p> +<p><a name="l17.5">5</a>. This state of prayer seems to me to be a +most distinct union of the whole soul with God, but for this, that His +Majesty appears to give the faculties leave to be intent upon, and +have the fruition of, the great work He is doing then. It happens at +times, and indeed very often, that, the will being in union, the soul +should be aware of it, and see that the will is a captive and in joy, +that the will alone is abiding in great peace,--while, on the other +hand, the understanding and the memory are so free, that they can be +employed in affairs and be occupied in works of charity. I say this, +that you, my father, may see it is so, and understand the matter when +it shall happen to yourself; at least, it carried me out of myself, +and that is the reason why I speak of it here.</p> +<p><a name="l17.6">6</a>. It differs from the prayer of quiet, of +which I have spoken, [<a href="#l17note2">2</a>] though it does seem as +if it were all one with it. In that prayer, the soul, which would +willingly neither stir nor move, is delighting in the holy repose of +Mary; but in this prayer it can be like Martha +also. [<a href="#l17note3">3</a>] Accordingly, the soul is, as it +were, living the active and contemplative life at once, and is able to +apply itself to works of charity and the affairs of its state, and to +spiritual reading. Still, those who arrive at this state, are not +wholly masters of themselves, and are well aware that the better part +of the soul is elsewhere. It is as if we were speaking to one person, +and another speaking to us at the same time, while we ourselves are +not perfectly attentive either to the one or the other. It is a state +that is most easily ascertained, and one, when attained to, that +ministers great joy and contentment, and that prepares the soul in the +highest degree, by observing times of solitude, or of freedom from +business, for the attainment of the most tranquil quietude. It is +like the life of a man who is full, requiring no food, with his +appetite satisfied, so that he will not eat of everything set before +him, yet not so full either as to refuse to eat if he saw any +desirable food. So the soul has no satisfaction in the world, +and seeks no pleasure in it then; because it has in itself that which +gives it a greater satisfaction, greater joys in God, longings for the +satisfaction of its longing to have a deeper joy in being with +Him--this is what the soul seeks.</p> +<p><a name="l17.7">7</a>. There is another kind of union, which, +though not a perfect union, is yet more so than the one of which I +have just spoken; but not so much so as this spoken of as the third +water. You, my father, will be delighted greatly if our Lord should +bestow them all upon you, if you have them not already, to find an +account of the matter in writing, and to understand it; for it is one +grace that our Lord gives grace; and it is another grace to understand +what grace and what gift it is; and it is another and further grace to +have the power to describe and explain it to others. Though it does +not seem that more than the first of these--the giving of the +grace--is necessary to enable the soul to advance without confusion +and fear, and to walk with the greater courage in the way of our Lord, +trampling under foot all the things of this world, it is a great +advantage and a great grace to understand it; for every one who has it +has great reason to praise our Lord; and so, also, has he who has it +not: because His Majesty has bestowed it upon some person living who +is to make us profit by it.</p> +<p><a name="l17.8">8</a>. This union, of which I would now speak, +frequently occurs, particularly to myself. God has very often +bestowed such a grace upon me, whereby He constrains the will, and +even the understanding, as it seems to me, seeing that it makes no +reflections, but is occupied in the fruition of God: like a person who +looks on, and sees so many things, that he knows not where to +look--one object puts another out of sight, and none of them leaves +any impression behind.</p> +<p><a name="l17.9">9</a>. The memory remains free, and it must be so, +together with the imagination; and so, when it finds itself alone, it +is marvellous to behold what war it makes on the soul, and how it +labours to throw everything into disorder. As for me, I am wearied by +it, and I hate it; and very often do I implore our Lord to deprive me +of it on these occasions, if I am to be so much troubled by it. Now +and then, I say to Him: O my God, when shall my soul praise Thee +without distraction, not dissipated in this way, unable to control +itself! I understand now the mischief that sin has done, in that it +has rendered us unable to do what we desire--to be always occupied +in God. [<a href="#l17note4">4</a>]</p> +<p><a name="l17.10">10</a>. I say that it happens to me from time to +time,--it has done so this very day, and so I remember it well,--to +see my soul tear itself, in order to find itself there where the +greater part of it is, and to see, at the same time, that it is +impossible: because the memory and the imagination assail it with such +force, that it cannot prevail against them; yet, as the other +faculties give them no assistance, they are not able to do it any +harm--none whatever; they do enough when they trouble its rest. When +I say they do no harm, my meaning is, that they cannot really hurt it, +because they have not strength enough, and because they are too +discursive. As the understanding gives no help, neither much nor +little, in the matters put before the soul, they never rest anywhere, +but hurry to and fro, like nothing else but gnats at night, +troublesome and unquiet: and so they go about from one subject +to another.</p> +<p><a name="l17.11">11</a>. This comparison seems to me to be +singularly to the purpose; for the memory and the imagination, though +they have no power to do any harm, are very troublesome. I know of no +remedy for it; and, hitherto, God has told me of none. If He had, +most gladly would I make use of it; for I am, as I say, tormented very +often. This shows our wretchedness and brings out most distinctly the +great power of God, seeing that the faculty which is free hurts +and wearies us so much; while the others, occupied with His Majesty, +give us rest.</p> +<p><a name="l17.12">12</a>. The only remedy I have found, after many +years of weariness, is that I spoke of when I was describing the +prayer of quiet: [<a href="#l17note5">5</a>] to make no more account of +it than of a madman, but let it go with its subject; for God alone can +take it from it,--in short, it is a slave here. We must bear +patiently with it, as Jacob bore with Lia; for our Lord showeth us +mercy enough when we are allowed to have Rachel with us.</p> +<p><a name="l17.13">13</a>. I say that it remains a slave; for, after +all, let it do what it will, it cannot drag the other faculties in its +train; on the contrary, they, without taking any trouble, compel it to +follow after them. Sometimes God is pleased to take pity on it, when +He sees it so lost and so unquiet, through the longing it has to be +united with the other faculties, and His Majesty consents to its +burning itself in the flame of that divine candle by which the others +are already reduced to ashes, and their nature lost, being, as it +were, supernaturally in the fruition of blessings so great.</p> +<p><a name="l17.14">14</a>. In all these states of prayer of which I +have spoken, while explaining this last method of drawing the water +out of the well, so great is the bliss and repose of the soul, that +even the body most distinctly shares in its joy and delight,--and this +is most plain; and the virtues continue to grow, as I said +before. [<a href="#l17note6">6</a>] It seems to have been the good +pleasure of our Lord to explain these states of prayer, wherein the +soul finds itself, with the utmost clearness possible, I think, here +on earth.</p> +<p><a name="l17.15">15</a>. Do you, my father, discuss it with any +spiritual person who has arrived at this state, and is learned. If he +says of it, it is well, you may believe that God has spoken it, and +you will give thanks to His Majesty; for, as I said just +now, [<a href="#l17note7">7</a>] in the course of time you will +rejoice greatly in that you have understood it. Meanwhile, if He does +not allow you to understand what it is, though He does give you the +possession of it, yet, with your intellect and learning, seeing that +His Majesty has given you the first, you will know what it is, by the +help of what I have written here. Unto Him be praise for ever and +ever! Amen.</p> +<hr title="Notes"> +<p><small><a name="l17note1">1</a>. See <a +href="#l19.4">ch. xix. § 4</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l17note2">2</a>. <a href="#l15.1">Ch. +xv. § 1</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l17note3">3</a>. See <a +href="#r8.6"><cite>Relation</cite>, viii. § 6</a>; and +<cite>Way of Perfection</cite>, ch. liii., but ch xxxi. of former +editions. See also <cite>Concept. of the Love of God</cite>, +ch. vii.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l17note4">4</a>. See <a +href="#r8.17"><cite>Relation</cite>, viii. +§ 17</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l17note5">5</a>. <a href="#l14.4">Ch. +xiv. § 4</a>. See also <cite>Way of Perfection</cite>, ch. liii., but +ch. xxxi. of the old editions.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l17note6">6</a>. <a href="#l14.6">Ch. +xiv. § 6</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l17note7">7</a>. <a +href="#l17.7">§ 7</a>.</small></p> +<hr title="Text"> +<h3><a name="l18.0">Chapter XVIII.</a></h3> +<p><big>The Fourth State of Prayer. The Great Dignity of the Soul +Raised to It by Our Lord. Attainable on Earth, Not by Our Merit, But +by the Goodness of Our Lord.</big></p> +<p><a name="l18.1">1</a>. May our Lord teach me words whereby I may in +some measure describe the fourth water. [<a href="#l18note1">1</a>] I +have great need of His help--even more than I had while speaking of +the last; for in that the soul still feels that it is not dead +altogether. We may thus speak, seeing that to the world it is really +dead. But, as I have said, [<a href="#l18note2">2</a>] it retains the +sense to see that it is in the world, and to feel its own loneliness; +and it makes use of that which is outward for the purpose of +manifesting its feelings, at least by signs. In the whole of the +prayer already spoken of, and in all the states of it, the gardener +undergoes some labour: though in the later states the labour is +attended with so much bliss and comfort of the soul, that the soul +would never willingly pass out of it,--and thus the labour is not felt +as labour, but as bliss.</p> +<p><a name="l18.2">2</a>. In this the fourth state there is no sense +of anything, only fruition, without understanding what that is the +fruition of which is granted. It is understood that the fruition is +of a certain good containing in itself all good together at once; but +this good is not comprehended. The senses are all occupied in this +fruition in such a way that not one of them is at liberty, so as to be +able to attend to anything else, whether outward or inward.</p> +<p><a name="l18.3">3</a>. The senses were permitted before, as I have +said, [<a href="#l18note3">3</a>] to give some signs of the great joy +they feel; but now, in this state, the joy of the soul is incomparably +greater, and the power of showing it is still less; for there is no +power in the body, and the soul has none, whereby this fruition can be +made known. Everything of that kind would be a great hindrance, a +torment, and a disturbance of its rest. And I say, if it really be a +union of all the faculties, that the soul, even if it wished,--I mean, +when it is in union,--cannot make it known; and if it can, then it is +not union at all.</p> +<p><a name="l18.4">4</a>. How this, which we call union, is effected, +and what it is, I cannot tell. Mystical theology explains it, and I +do not know the terms of that science; nor can I understand what the +mind is, nor how it differs from the soul or the spirit either: all +three seem to me but one; though I do know that the soul sometimes +leaps forth out of itself, like a fire that is burning and is become a +flame; and occasionally this fire increases violently--the flame +ascends high above the fire; but it is not therefore a different +thing: it is still the same flame of the same fire. Your learning, my +fathers, will enable you to understand the matter; I can go +no further.</p> +<p><a name="l18.5">5</a>. What I undertake to explain is that which +the soul feels when it is in the divine union. It is plain enough +what union is--two distinct things becoming one. O my Lord, how good +Thou art! Blessed be Thou for ever, O my God! Let all creatures +praise Thee, Who hast so loved us that we can truly speak of this +communication which Thou hast with souls in this our exile! Yea, even +if they be good souls, it is on Thy part great munificence and +magnanimity,--in a word, it is Thy munificence, O my Lord, seeing that +Thou givest like Thyself. O infinite Munificence!--how magnificent +are Thy works! Even he whose understanding is not occupied with the +things of earth is amazed that he is unable to understand these +truths. Why, then, give graces so high to souls who have been such +great sinners? Truly, this passeth my understanding; and when I come +to think of it, I can get no further. Is there any way at all for me +to go on which is not a going back? For, as to giving Thee thanks for +mercies so great, I know not how to do it. Sometimes I relieve myself +by giving utterance to follies. It often happens to me, either when I +receive these graces, or when God is about to bestow them,--for, in +the midst of them, I have already said, [<a href="#l18note4">4</a>] I +was able to do nothing,--that I would break out into words +like these.</p> +<p><a name="l18.6">6</a>. O Lord, consider what Thou art doing; forget +not so soon the great evils that I have done. To forgive me, Thou +must already have forgotten them; yet, in order that there may be some +limit to Thy graces, I beseech Thee remember them. O my Creator, pour +not a liquor so precious into a vessel so broken; for Thou hast +already seen how on other occasions I allowed it to run waste. Lay +not up treasure like this, where the longing after the consolations of +this life is not so mortified as it ought to be; for it will be +utterly lost. How canst Thou commit the defence of the city, and the +keys of its fortress to a commander so cowardly, who at the first +assault will let the enemy enter within? Oh, let not Thy love be so +great, O King Eternal, as to imperil jewels so precious! O my Lord, +to me it seems that it becomes a ground for undervaluing them, when +Thou puttest them in the power of one so wretched, so vile, so frail, +so miserable, and so worthless as I am, who, though she may labour not +to lose them, by the help of Thy grace,--and I have need of no little +grace for that end, being what I am,--is not able to win over any one +to Thee,--in short, I am a woman, not good, but wicked. It seems to +me that the talents are not only hidden, but buried, when they are +committed to earth so vile. It is not Thy wont, O Lord, to bestow +graces and mercies like these upon a soul, unless it be that it may +edify many.</p> +<p><a name="l18.7">7</a>. Thou, O my God, knowest already that I beg +this of Thee with my whole will, from the bottom of my heart, and that +I have done so more than once, and I account it a blessing to lose the +greatest blessings which may be had on earth, if Thou wouldst but +bestow these graces upon him who will make a better use of them to the +increase of Thy glory. These, and expressions like these, it has +happened to me often to utter. I saw afterwards my own foolishness +and want of humility; for our Lord knoweth well what is expedient, and +that there is no strength in my soul to be saved, if His Majesty did +not give it with graces so great.</p> +<p><a name="l18.8">8</a>. I purpose also to speak of the graces and +effects which abide in the soul, and of that which the soul itself can +do, or rather, if it can do anything of itself towards attaining to a +state so high. The elevation of the spirit, or union, comes together +with heavenly love but, as I understand it, union is a different thing +from elevation in union itself. To him who may not have had any +experience of the latter, it must seem that it is not; and, according +to my view of it, even if they are both one, the operations of our +Lord therein are different: there is a growth of the soul's detachment +from creatures more abundantly still in the flight of the +spirit. [<a href="#l18note5">5</a>] I have clearly seen that this is a +particular grace, though, as I say, it may be the same, or seem to be +so, with the other; but a little fire, also, is as much fire as a +great fire--and yet there is a visible difference between them. +Before a small piece of iron is made red-hot in a little fire, some +time must pass; but if the fire be great, the iron very quickly, +though bulky, loses its nature altogether in appearance.</p> +<p><a name="l18.9">9</a>. So, it seems to me, is it with these two +kinds of graces which our Lord bestows. He who has had raptures will, +I am sure, understand it well; to him who has not had that experience, +it must appear folly. And, indeed, it may well be so; for if a person +like myself should speak of a matter of this kind, and give any +explanation at all of that for the description of which no words ever +can possibly be found, it is not to be wondered at that I may be +speaking foolishly.</p> +<p><a name="l18.10">10</a>. But I have this confidence in our Lord, +that He will help me here; for His Majesty knoweth that my object in +writing--the first is to obey--is to inspire souls with a longing +after so high a good. I will speak of nothing that I do not know by +great experience: and so, when I began to describe the last kind of +water, I thought it more impossible for me to speak of it at all than +to speak Greek. It is a very difficult matter; so I left it, and went +to Communion. Blessed be our Lord, who is merciful to the ignorant! +Oh, virtue of obedience! it can do everything! God enlightened my +understanding--at one time suggesting the words, at another showing me +how to use them; for, as in the preceding state of prayer, so also +now, His Majesty seems to utter what I can neither speak +nor understand. [<a href="#l18note6">6</a>]</p> +<p><a name="l18.11">11</a>. What I am saying is the simple truth; and +therefore whatever is good herein is His teaching; what is erroneous, +clearly comes out of that sea of evil--myself. If there be any--and +there must be many--who, having attained to these states of prayer +whereunto our Lord in His mercy has brought me--wretch that I am!--and +who, thinking they have missed their way, desire to treat of these +matters with me, I am sure that our Lord will help His servant to +declare the truth more plainly.</p> +<p><a name="l18.12">12</a>. I am now speaking of the water which +cometh down from heaven to fill and saturate in its abundance the +whole of this garden with water. If our Lord never ceased to pour it +down whenever it was necessary, the gardener certainly would have +plenty of rest; and if there were no winter, but an ever temperate +season, fruits and flowers would never fail. The gardener would have +his delight therein; but in this life that is impossible. We must +always be careful, when one water fails, to obtain another. This +water from heaven comes down very often when the gardener least +expects it.</p> +<p><a name="l18.13">13</a>. The truth is that, in the beginning, this +almost always happens after much mental prayer. Our Lord advances +step by step to lay hold of the little bird, and to lay it in the nest +where it may repose. He observed it fluttering for a long time, +striving with the understanding and the will, and with all its might, +to seek God and to please Him; so now it is His pleasure to reward it +even in this life. And what a reward!--one moment is enough to repay +all the possible trials of this life.</p> +<p><a name="l18.14">14</a>. The soul, while thus seeking after God, is +conscious, with a joy excessive and sweet, that it is, as it were, +utterly fainting away in a kind of trance: breathing, and all the +bodily strength, fail it, so that it cannot even move the hands +without great pain; the eyes close involuntarily, and if they are +open, they are as if they saw nothing; nor is reading possible,--the +very letters seem strange, and cannot be distinguished,--the letters, +indeed, are visible, but, as the understanding furnishes no help, all +reading is impracticable, though seriously attempted. The ear hears; +but what is heard is not comprehended. The senses are of no use +whatever, except to hinder the soul's fruition; and so they rather +hurt it. It is useless to try to speak, because it is not possible to +conceive a word; nor, if it were conceived, is there strength +sufficient to utter it; for all bodily strength vanishes, and that of +the soul increases, to enable it the better to have the fruition of +its joy. Great and most perceptible, also, is the outward joy +now felt.</p> +<p><a name="l18.15">15</a>. This prayer, however long it may last, +does no harm--at least, it has never done any to me; nor do I +remember, however ill I might have been when our Lord had mercy upon +me in this way, that I ever felt the worse for it--on the contrary, I +was always better afterwards. But so great a blessing, what harm can +it do? The outward effects are so plain as to leave no doubt possible +that there must have been some great cause, seeing that it thus robs +us of our bodily powers with so much joy, in order to leave +them greater.</p> +<p><a name="l18.16">16</a>. The truth is, it passes away so quickly in +the beginning--at least, so it was with me--that neither by the +outward signs, nor by the failure of the senses, can it be perceived +when it passes so quickly away. But it is plain, from the overflowing +abundance of grace, that the brightness of the sun which had shone +there must have been great, seeing that it has thus made the soul to +melt away. And this is to be considered; for, as it seems to me, the +period of time, however long it may have been, during which the +faculties of the soul were entranced, is very short; if half an hour, +that would be a long time. I do not think that I have ever been so +long. [<a href="#l18note7">7</a>] The truth of the matter is this: it +is extremely difficult to know how long, because the senses are in +suspense; but I think that at any time it cannot be very long before +some one of the faculties recovers itself. It is the will that +persists in the work; the other two faculties quickly begin to molest +it. As the will is calm, it entrances them again; they are quiet for +another moment, and then they recover themselves once more.</p> +<p><a name="l18.17">17</a>. In this way, some hours may be, and are, +passed in prayer; for when the two faculties begin to drink deep, and +to perceive the taste of this divine wine, they give themselves up +with great readiness, in order to be the more absorbed: they follow +the will, and the three rejoice together. But this state of complete +absorption, together with the utter rest of the imagination,--for I +believe that even the imagination is then wholly at rest,--lasts only +for a short time; though the faculties do not so completely recover +themselves as not to be for some hours afterwards as if in disorder: +God, from time to time, drawing them to Himself.</p> +<p><a name="l18.18">18</a>. Let us now come to that which the soul +feels interiorly. Let him describe it who knows it; for as it is +impossible to understand it, much more is it so to describe it. When +I purposed to write this, I had just communicated, and had risen from +the very prayer of which I am speaking. I am thinking of what the +soul was then doing. Our Lord said to me: It undoes itself utterly, +My daughter, in order that it may give itself more and more to Me: it +is not itself that then lives, it is I. As it cannot comprehend what +it understands, it understands by +not understanding. [<a href="#l18note8">8</a>]</p> +<p><a name="l18.19">19</a>. He who has had experience of this will +understand it in some measure, for it cannot be more clearly +described, because what then takes place is so obscure. All I am able +to say is, that the soul is represented as being close to God; and +that there abides a conviction thereof so certain and strong, that it +cannot possibly help believing so. All the faculties fail now, and +are suspended in such a way that, as I said +before, [<a href="#l18note9">9</a>] their operations cannot be traced. +If the soul is making a meditation on any subject, the memory of it is +lost at once, just as if it had never been thought of. If it reads, +what is read is not remembered nor dwelt upon; neither is it otherwise +with vocal prayer. Accordingly, the restless little butterfly of the +memory has its wings burnt now, and it cannot fly. The will must be +fully occupied in loving, but it understands not how it loves; the +understanding, if it understands, does not understand how it +understands--at least, it can comprehend nothing of that it +understands: it does not understand, as it seems to me, because, as I +said just now, this cannot be understood. I do not understand it at +all myself.</p> +<p><a name="l18.20">20</a>. In the beginning, it happened to me that I +was ignorant of one thing--I did not know that God was in all +things: [<a href="#l18note10">10</a>] and when He seemed to me to be so +near, I thought it impossible. Not to believe that He was present, +was not in my power; for it seemed to me, as it were, evident that I +felt there His very presence. Some unlearned men used to say to me, +that He was present only by His grace. I could not believe that, +because, as I am saying, He seemed to me to be present Himself: so I +was distressed. A most learned man, of the Order of the glorious +Patriarch <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Dominic, delivered me from +this doubt; for he told me that He was present, and how He communed +with us: this was a great comfort to me.</p> +<p><a name="l18.21">21</a>. It is to be observed and understood that +this water from heaven,--this greatest grace of our Lord--always +leaves in the soul the greatest fruits, as I shall now show.</p> +<hr title="Notes"> +<p><small><a name="l18note1">1</a>. See <a +href="#l11.11">ch. xi. § 11</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l18note2">2</a>. <a href="#l16.7">Ch. +xvi. §§ 7, 8</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l18note3">3</a>. <a href="#l17.5">Ch. +xvii. § 5</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l18note4">4</a>. <a +href="#l18.3">§ 3</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l18note5">5</a>. See <a +href="#l20.10">ch. xx. § 10</a>; and <a +href="#r8.10"><cite>Relation</cite>, viii. +§ 10</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l18note6">6</a>. See <a +href="#l14.12">ch. xiv. § 12</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l18note7">7</a>. See <abbr +title="Antonius">Anton.</abbr> a <abbr +title="Spiritu">Sp.</abbr> Sancto, <cite +lang="la"><abbr title="Directorium Mysticum">Director. Mystic.</abbr></cite> +tr. iv. § 9, n. 72.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l18note8">8</a>. Thomas à Jesu, <cite lang="la">De +Contemplatione Divina</cite>, lib. v. c. xiii.: <span +lang="la">"Quasi dicat: cum intellectus non possit Dei immensam +illam claritatem et incomprehensibilem plenitudinem comprehendere, hoc +ipsum est illam conspicere ac intelligere, intelligere se non posse +intellectu cognoscere: quod quidem nihil aliud est quam Deum sub +ratione incomprehensibilitatis videre +ac cognoscere."</span></small></p> +<p><small><abbr title="Philippus">Philip.</abbr> à SS. Trinitate, +<cite>Theolog. Mystic. Disc. Proem.</cite> art. iv. p. 6: <span +lang="la">"Cum ipsa [S. Teresa] scire vellet, quid in illa mystica +unione operaretur intellectus, respondit [Christus] illi, cum non +possit comprehendere quod intelligit, est non intelligere +intelligendo: tum quia præ claritate nimia quodammodo offuscatur +intellectus, unde præ altissima et supereminentissima Dei cognitione +videtur anima potius Deum ignorare +quam cognoscere."</span></small></p> +<p><small><a name="l18note9">9</a>. <a href="#l10.1">Ch. x. +§ 1</a>, and <a href="#l18.16">ch. xviii. +§ 16</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l18note10">10</a>. See <cite>Inner Fortress</cite>, +v. ch. i. § 11.</small></p> +<hr title="Text"> +<h3><a name="l19.0">Chapter XIX.</a></h3> +<p><big>The Effects of This Fourth State of Prayer. Earnest +Exhortations to Those Who Have Attained to It Not to Go Back, Nor to +Cease from Prayer, Even If They Fall. The Great Calamity of +Going Back.</big></p> +<p><a name="l19.1">1</a>. There remains in the soul, when the prayer +of union is over, an exceedingly great tenderness; so much so, that it +would undo itself--not from pain, but through tears of joy it finds +itself bathed therein, without being aware of it, and it knows not how +or when it wept them. But to behold the violence of the fire subdued +by the water, which yet makes it burn the more, gives it great +delight. It seems as if I were speaking an unknown language. So it +is, however.</p> +<p><a name="l19.2">2</a>. It has happened to me occasionally, when +this prayer was over, to be so beside myself as not to know whether I +had been dreaming, or whether the bliss I felt had really been mine; +and, on finding myself in a flood of tears--which had painlessly +flowed, with such violence and rapidity that it seemed as if a cloud +from heaven [<a href="#l19note1">1</a>] had shed them--to perceive that +it was no dream. Thus it was with me in the beginning, when it passed +quickly away. The soul remains possessed of so much courage, that if +it were now hewn in pieces for God, it would be a great consolation to +it. This is the time of resolutions, of heroic determinations, of the +living energy of good desires, of the beginning of hatred of the +world, and of the most clear perception of its vanity. The soul makes +greater and higher progress than it ever made before in the previous +states of prayer; and grows in humility more and more, because it sees +clearly that neither for obtaining nor for retaining this grace, +great beyond all measure, has it ever done, or ever been able to do, +anything of itself. It looks upon itself as most unworthy--for in a +room into which the sunlight enters strongly, not a cobweb can be hid; +it sees its own misery; self-conceit is so far away, that it seems as +if it never could have had any--for now its own eyes behold how very +little it could ever do, or rather, that it never did anything, that +it hardly gave even its own consent, but that it rather seemed as if +the doors of the senses were closed against its will in order that it +might have more abundantly the fruition of our Lord. It is abiding +alone with Him: what has it to do but to love Him? It neither sees nor +hears, unless on compulsion: no thanks to it. Its past life stands +before it then, together with the great mercy of God, in great +distinctness; and it is not necessary for it to go forth to hunt with +the understanding, because what it has to eat and ruminate upon, it +sees now ready prepared. It sees, so far as itself is concerned, that +it has deserved hell, and that its punishment is bliss. It undoes +itself in the praises of God, and I would gladly undo myself now.</p> +<p><a name="l19.3">3</a>. Blessed be Thou, O my Lord, who, out of a +pool so filthy as I am, bringest forth water so clean as to be meet +for Thy table! Praised be Thou, O Joy of the Angels, who hast been +thus pleased to exalt so vile a worm!</p> +<p><a name="l19.4">4</a>. The good effects of this prayer abide in the +soul for some time. Now that it clearly apprehends that the fruit is +not its own, the soul can begin to share it with others, and that +without any loss to itself. It begins to show signs of its being a +soul that is guarding the treasures of heaven, and to be desirous of +communicating them to others, [<a href="#l19note2">2</a>] and to pray +to God that itself may not be the only soul that is rich in them. It +begins to benefit its neighbours, as it were, without being aware of +it, or doing anything consciously: its neighbours understand the +matter, because the odour of the flowers has grown so strong as to +make them eager to approach them. They understand that this soul is +full of virtue: they see the fruit, how delicious it is, and they wish +to help that soul to eat it.</p> +<p><a name="l19.5">5</a>. If this ground be well dug by troubles, by +persecutions, detractions, and infirmities,--they are few who ascend +so high without this,--if it be well broken up by great detachment +from all self-interest, it will drink in so much water that it can +hardly ever be parched again. But if it be ground which is mere +waste, and covered with thorns (as I was when I began); if the +occasions of sin be not avoided; if it be an ungrateful soil, unfitted +for so great a grace,--it will be parched up again. If the gardener +become careless,--and if our Lord, out of His mere goodness, will not +send down rain upon it,--the garden is ruined. Thus has it been with +me more than once, so that I am amazed at it; and if I had not found +it so by experience, I could not have believed it.</p> +<p><a name="l19.6">6</a>. I write this for the comfort of souls which +are weak, as I am, that they may never despair, nor cease to trust in +the power of God; even if they should fall after our Lord has raised +them to so high a degree of prayer as this is, they must not be +discouraged, unless they would lose themselves utterly. Tears gain +everything, and one drop of water attracts another.</p> +<p><a name="l19.7">7</a>. One of the reasons that move me, who am what +I am, under obedience to write this, and give an account of my +wretched life, and of the graces our Lord has wrought in me,--though I +never served Him, but offended Him rather,--is what I have just given: +and, certainly, I wish I was a person of great authority, that people +might believe what I say. I pray to our Lord that His Majesty would +be pleased to grant me this grace. I repeat it, let no one who has +begun to give himself to prayer be discouraged, and say: If I fall +into sin, it will be worse for me if I go on now with the practice of +prayer. I think so too, if he gives up prayer, and does not correct +his evil ways; but if he does not give up prayer, let him be assured +of this--prayer will bring him to the haven of light.</p> +<p><a name="l19.8">8</a>. In this the devil turned his batteries +against me, and I suffered so much because I thought it showed but +little humility if I persevered in prayer when I was so wicked, +that--as I have already said [<a href="#l19note3">3</a>]--I gave it up +for a year and a half--at least, for a year, but I do not remember +distinctly the other six months. This could not have been, neither +was it, anything else but to throw myself down into hell; there was no +need of any devils to drag me thither. O my God, was there ever +blindness so great as this? How well Satan prepares his measures for +his purpose, when he pursues us in this way! The traitor knows that +he has already lost that soul which perseveres in prayer, and that +every fall which he can bring about helps it, by the goodness of God, +to make greater progress in His service. Satan has some interest +in this.</p> +<p><a name="l19.9">9</a>. O my Jesus, what a sight that must be--a +soul so highly exalted falling into sin, and raised up again by Thee; +who, in Thy mercy, stretchest forth Thine hand to save! How such a +soul confesses Thy greatness and compassion and its own wretchedness! +It really looks on itself as nothingness, and confesses Thy power. It +dares not lift up its eyes; it raises them, indeed, but it is to +acknowledge how much it oweth unto Thee. It becomes devout to the +Queen of Heaven, that she may propitiate Thee; it invokes the Saints, +who fell after Thou hadst called them, for succour. Thou seemest now +to be too bountiful in Thy gifts, because it feels itself to be +unworthy of the earth it treads on. It has recourse to the +Sacraments, to a quickened faith, which abides in it at the +contemplation of the power which Thou hast lodged in them. It praises +Thee because Thou hast left us such medicines and ointment for our +wounds, which not only heal them on the surface, but remove all traces +whatever of them.</p> +<p><a name="l19.10">10</a>. The soul is amazed at it. Who is there, O +Lord of my soul, that is not amazed at compassion so great and mercy +so surpassing, after treason so foul and so hateful? I know not how +it is that my heart does not break when I write this, for I am wicked. +With these scanty tears which I am now weeping, but yet Thy +gift,--water out of a well, so far as it is mine, so impure,--I seem +to make Thee some recompense for treachery so great as mine, in that I +was always doing evil, labouring to make void the graces Thou hast +given me. Do Thou, O Lord, make my tears available; purify the water +which is so muddy; at least, let me not be to others a temptation to +rash judgments, as I have been to myself, when I used to think such +thoughts as these. Why, O Lord, dost Thou pass by most holy persons, +who have always served Thee, and who have been tried; who have been +brought up in religion, and are really religious--not such as I am, +having only the name--so as to make it plain that they are not +recipients of those graces which Thou hast bestowed upon me?</p> +<p><a name="l19.11">11</a>. I see clearly now, O Thou my Good, Thou +hast kept the reward to give it them all at once: my weakness has need +of these succours. They, being strong, serve Thee without them, and +Thou dealest with them as with a strong race, free from all +self-interest. But yet Thou knowest, O my Lord, that I have often +cried unto Thee, making excuses for those who murmured against me; for +I thought they had reason on their side. This I did then when Thou of +Thy goodness hadst kept me back from offending Thee so much, and when +I was departing from everything which I thought displeasing unto Thee. +It was when I did this that Thou, O Lord, didst begin to lay open Thy +treasures for Thy servant. It seemed as if Thou wert looking for +nothing else but that I should be willing and ready to receive them; +accordingly, Thou didst begin at once, not only to give them, but also +to make others know that Thou wert giving them.</p> +<p><a name="l19.12">12</a>. When this was known, there began to +prevail a good opinion of her, of whom all had not yet clearly +understood how wicked she was, though much of that wickedness was +plain enough. Calumny and persecution began at once, and, as I think, +with good reason; so I looked on none of them as an enemy, but made my +supplications to Thee, imploring Thee to consider the grounds they +had. They said that I wished to be a saint, and that I invented +novelties; but I had not then attained in many things even to the +observance of my rule; nor had I come near those excellent and holy +nuns who were in the house,--and I do not believe I ever shall, if God +of His goodness will not do that for me Himself; on the contrary, I +was there only to do away with what was good, and introduce customs +which were not good; at least, I did what I could to bring them in, +and I was very powerful for evil. Thus it was that they were +blameless, when they blamed me. I do not mean the nuns only, but the +others as well: they told me truths; for it was Thy will.</p> +<p><a name="l19.13">13</a>. I was once saying the Office,--I had had +this temptation for some time,--and when I came to these words, <span +lang="la">"Justus es, Domine, et rectum judicium +tuum,"</span> [<a href="#l19note4">4</a>] I began to think what a +deep truth it was. Satan never was strong enough to tempt me in any +way to doubt of Thy goodness, or of any article of the faith: on the +contrary, it seems to me that the more these truths were above nature, +the more firmly I held them, and my devotion grew; when I thought of +Thy omnipotence, I accepted all Thy wonderful works, and I say it +again, I never had a doubt. Then, as I was thinking how it could be +just in Thee to allow so many, who, as I said, are Thy most faithful +servants, to remain without those consolations and graces which Thou +hast given to me, who am what I am, Thou, O my Lord, didst answer me: +Serve thou Me, and meddle not with this.</p> +<p><a name="l19.14">14</a>. This was the first word which I ever heard +Thee speak to me, and it made me greatly afraid. But as I shall speak +hereafter [<a href="#l19note5">5</a>] of this way of hearing, and of +other matters, I say nothing here; for to do so would be to digress +from my subject, and I have already made digressions enough. I +scarcely know what I have said, nor can it be otherwise; but you, my +father, must bear with these interruptions; for when I consider what +God must have borne with from me, and when I see the state I am in, it +is not strange that I should wander in what I am saying, and what I +have still to say.</p> +<p><a name="l19.15">15</a>. May it please our Lord that my wanderings +may be of this kind, and may His Majesty never suffer me to have +strength to resist Him even in the least; yea, rather than that, may +He destroy me this moment. It is evidence enough of His great +compassions, that He has forgiven so much ingratitude, not once, but +often. He forgave <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Peter once; but I +have been forgiven many times. Satan had good reasons for tempting +me: I ought never to have pretended to a strict friendship with One, +my hatred of whom I made so public. Was there ever blindness so great +as mine? Where could I think I should find help but in Thee? What +folly to run away from the light, to be for ever stumbling! What a +proud humility was that which Satan devised for me, when I ceased to +lean upon the pillar, and threw the staff away which supported me, in +order that my fall might not be great! [<a href="#l19note6">6</a>]</p> +<p><a name="l19.16">16</a>. I make the sign of the cross this moment. +I do not think I ever escaped so great a danger as this device of +Satan, which he would have imposed upon me in the disguise of +humility. [<a href="#l19note7">7</a>] He filled me with such thoughts +as these: How could I make my prayer, who was so wicked, and yet had +received so many mercies? It was enough for me to recite the Office, +as all others did; but as I did not that much well, how could I desire +to do more? I was not reverential enough, and made too little of the +mercies of God. There was no harm in these thoughts and feelings in +themselves; but to act upon them, that was an exceedingly great +wickedness. Blessed be Thou, O Lord; for Thou camest to my help. This +seems to me to be in principle the temptation of Judas, only that +Satan did not dare to tempt me so openly. But he might have led me by +little and little, as he led Judas, to the same pit +of destruction.</p> +<p><a name="l19.17">17</a>. Let all those who give themselves to +prayer, for the love of God, look well to this. They should know that +when I was neglecting it, my life was much worse than it had ever +been; let them reflect on the excellent help and the pleasant humility +which Satan provided for me: it was a grave interior disquietude. But +how could my spirit be quiet? It was going away in its misery from +its true rest. I remembered the graces and mercies I had received, +and felt that the joys of this world were loathsome. I am astonished +that I was able to bear it. It must have been the hope I had; for, as +well as I can remember now, it is more than twenty-one years ago. I +do not think I ever gave up my purpose of resuming my prayer; but I +was waiting to be very free from sin first.</p> +<p><a name="l19.18">18</a>. Oh, how deluded I was in this expectation! +The devil would have held it out before me till the day of judgment, +that he might then take me with him to hell. Then, when I applied +myself to prayer and to spiritual reading,--whereby I might perceive +these truths, and the evil nature of the way I was walking in, and was +often importunate with our Lord in tears,--I was so wicked, that it +availed me nothing; when I gave that up, and wasted my time in amusing +myself, in great danger of falling into sin, and with scanty +helps,--and I may venture to say no help at all, unless it was a help +to my ruin,--what could I expect but that of which I have spoken?</p> +<p><a name="l19.19">19</a>. I believe that a certain Dominican friar, +a most learned man, has greatly merited in the eyes of God; for it was +he who roused me from this slumber. He made me--I think I said so +before [<a href="#l19note8">8</a>]--go to Communion once a fortnight, +and be less given to evil; I began to be converted, though I did not +cease to offend our Lord all at once: however, as I had not lost my +way, I walked on in it, though slowly, falling and rising again; and +he who does not cease to walk and press onwards, arrives at last, even +if late. To lose one's way is--so it seems to me--nothing else but +the giving up of prayer. God, of His mercy, keeps us from this!</p> +<p><a name="l19.20">20</a>. It is clear from this,--and, for the love +of God, consider it well,--that a soul, though it may receive great +graces from God in prayer, must never rely on itself, because it may +fall, nor expose itself in any way whatever to any risks of sin. This +should be well considered because much depends on it; for the delusion +here, wherein Satan is able to entangle us afterwards, though the +grace be really from God, lies in the traitor's making use of that +very grace, so far as he can, for his own purpose, and particularly +against persons not grown strong in virtues, who are neither mortified +nor detached; for these are not at present strong enough--as I shall +explain hereafter [<a href="#l19note9">9</a>]--to expose themselves to +dangerous occasions, notwithstanding the noble desires and resolutions +they may have.</p> +<p><a name="l19.21">21</a>. This doctrine is excellent, and not mine, +but the teaching of God, and accordingly I wish ignorant people like +myself knew it; for even if a soul were in this state, it must not +rely so much upon itself as to go forth to the battle, because it will +have enough to do in defending itself. Defensive armour is the +present necessity; the soul is not yet strong enough to assail Satan, +and to trample him under foot, as those are who are in the state of +which I shall speak further on. [<a href="#l19note10">10</a>]</p> +<p><a name="l19.22">22</a>. This is the delusion by which Satan +prevails: when a soul sees itself so near unto God, when it sees the +difference there is between the things of heaven and those of earth, +and when it sees the love which our Lord bears it, there grows out of +that love a certain trust and confidence that there is to be no +falling away from that the fruition of which it then possesses. It +seems to see the reward distinctly, as if it were impossible for it to +abandon that which, even in this life, is so delicious and sweet, for +anything so mean and impure as worldly joy. Through this confidence, +Satan robs it of that distrust which it ought to have in itself; and +so, as I have just said, [<a href="#l19note11">11</a>] the soul +exposes itself to dangers, and begins, in the fulness of its zeal, to +give away without discretion the fruit of its garden, thinking that +now it has no reason to be afraid for itself. Yet this does not come +out of pride; for the soul clearly understands that of itself it can +do no good thing; but rather out of an excessive confidence in God, +without discretion: because the soul does not see itself to be +unfledged. It can go forth out of its nest, and God Himself may take +it out, but still it cannot fly, because the virtues are not strong, +and itself has no experience wherewith to discern the dangers; nor is +it aware of the evil which trusting to itself may do it.</p> +<p><a name="l19.23">23</a>. This it was that ruined me. Now, to +understand this, and everything else in the spiritual life, we have +great need of a director, and of conference with spiritual persons. I +fully believe, with respect to that soul which God raises to this +state, that He will not cease to be gracious to it, nor suffer it to +be lost, if it does not utterly forsake His Majesty. But when that +soul--as I said--falls, let it look to it again and again, for the +love of our Lord, that Satan deceive it not by tempting it to give up +prayer, as he tempted me, through that false humility of which I have +spoken before, [<a href="#l19note12">12</a>] and would gladly speak of +again and again. Let it rely on the goodness of God, which is +greater than all the evil we can do. When we, acknowledging our own +vileness, desire to return into His grace, He remembers our +ingratitude no more,--no, not even the graces He has given us, for the +purpose of chastising us, because of our misuse of them; yea, rather, +they help to procure our pardon the sooner, as of persons who have +been members of His household, and who, as they say, have eaten of +His bread.</p> <p><a name="l19.24">24</a>. Let them remember His +words, and behold what He hath done unto me, who grew weary of sinning +before He grew weary of forgiving. He is never weary of giving, nor +can His compassion be exhausted. Let us not grow weary ourselves of +receiving. May He be blessed for ever, Amen; and may all created +things praise Him!</p> +<hr title="Notes"> +<p><small><a name="l19note1">1</a>. See <a +href="#l20.2">ch. xx. § 2</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l19note2">2</a>. See <a +href="#l17.3">ch. xvii. § 3</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l19note3">3</a>. <a href="#l7.17">Ch. +vii. § 17</a>, and <a href="#l8.5">ch. viii. +§ 5</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l19note4">4</a>. Psalm cxviii. 137: "Thou art +just, O Lord, and Thy judgment is right."</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l19note5">5</a>. See <a href="#l25.0">ch. +xxv</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l19note6">6</a>. See <a href="#l8.1">ch. +viii. § 1</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l19note7">7</a>. <a href="#l7.17">Ch. +vii. § 17</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l19note8">8</a>. <a href="#l7.27">Ch. +vii. § 27</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l19note9">9</a>. <a href="#l31.21">Ch. +xxxi. § 21</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l19note10">10</a>. <a href="#l20.33">Ch. +xx. § 33</a>, and <a href="#l25.24">ch. xxv. +§ 24</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l19note11">11</a>. <a href="#l19.4">Ch. xix. +§ 4</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l19note12">12</a>. See <a +href="#l19.16">§ 16</a>.</small></p> +<hr title="Text"> +<h3><a name="l20.0">Chapter XX.</a></h3> +<p><big>The Difference Between Union and Rapture. What Rapture Is. +The Blessing It Is to the Soul. The Effects of It.</big></p> +<p><a name="l20.1">1</a>. I wish I could explain, with the help of +God, wherein union differs from rapture, or from transport, or from +flight of the spirit, as they speak, or from a trance, which are all +one. [<a href="#l20note1">1</a>] I mean, that all these are only +different names for that one and the same thing, which is also called +ecstasy. [<a href="#l20note2">2</a>] It is more excellent +than union, the fruits of it are much greater, and its other +operations more manifold; for union is uniform in the beginning, the +middle, and the end, and is so also interiorly. But as raptures have +ends of a much higher kind, they produce effects both within and +without. [<a href="#l20note3">3</a>] As our Lord has explained the +other matters, so also may He explain this; for certainly, if He had +not shown me in what way and by what means this explanation was in +some measure possible, I should never have been able to do it.</p> +<p><a name="l20.2">2</a>. Consider we now that this last water, of +which I am speaking, is so abundant that, were it not that the ground +refuses to receive it, we might suppose that the cloud of His great +Majesty is here raining down upon us on earth. And when we are giving +Him thanks for this great mercy, drawing near to Him in earnest, with +all our might, then it is our Lord draws up the soul, as the clouds, +so to speak, gather the mists from the face of the earth, and carries +it away out of itself,--I have heard it said that the clouds, or the +sun, draw the mists together, [<a href="#l20note4">4</a>]--and as a +cloud, rising up to heaven, takes the soul with Him, and begins to +show it the treasures of the kingdom which He has prepared for it. I +know not whether the comparison be accurate or not; but the fact is, +that is the way in which it is brought about. During rapture, the +soul does not seem to animate the body, the natural heat of which is +perceptibly lessened; the coldness increases, though accompanied with +exceeding joy and sweetness. [<a href="#l20note5">5</a>]</p> +<p><a name="l20.3">3</a>. A rapture is absolutely irresistible; whilst +union, inasmuch as we are then on our own ground, may be hindered, +though that resistance be painful and violent; it is, however, almost +always impossible. But rapture, for the most part, is irresistible. +It comes, in general, as a shock, quick and sharp, before you can +collect your thoughts, or help yourself in any way, and you see and +feel it as a cloud, or a strong eagle rising upwards, and carrying you +away on its wings.</p> +<p><a name="l20.4">4</a>. I repeat it: you feel and see yourself +carried away, you know not whither. For though we feel how delicious +it is, yet the weakness of our nature makes us afraid at first, and we +require a much more resolute and courageous spirit than in the +previous states, in order to risk everything, come what may, and to +abandon ourselves into the hands of God, and go willingly whither we +are carried, seeing that we must be carried away, however painful it +may be; and so trying is it, that I would very often resist, and exert +all my strength, particularly at those times when the rapture was +coming on me in public. I did so, too, very often when I was alone, +because I was afraid of delusions. Occasionally I was able, by great +efforts, to make a slight resistance; but afterwards I was worn out, +like a person who had been contending with a strong giant; at other +times it was impossible to resist at all: my soul was carried away, +and almost always my head with it,--I had no power over it,--and now +and then the whole body as well, so that it was lifted up from +the ground.</p> +<p><a name="l20.5">5</a>. This has not happened to me often: once, +however, it took place when we were all together in choir, and I, on +my knees, on the point of communicating. It was a very sore distress +to me; for I thought it a most extraordinary thing, and was afraid it +would occasion much talk; so I commanded the nuns--for it happened +after I was made Prioress--never to speak of it. But at other times, +the moment I felt that our Lord was about to repeat the act, and once, +in particular, during a sermon,--it was the feast of our house, some +great ladies being present,--I threw myself on the ground; then the +nuns came around me to hold me; but still the rapture +was observed.</p> +<p><a name="l20.6">6</a>. I made many supplications to our Lord, that +He would be pleased to give me no more of those graces which were +outwardly visible; for I was weary of living under such great +restraint, and because His Majesty could not bestow such graces on me +without their becoming known. It seems that, of His goodness, He has +been pleased to hear my prayer; for I have never been enraptured +since. It is true that it was not +long ago. [<a href="#l20note6">6</a>]</p> +<p><a name="l20.7">7</a>. It seemed to me, when I tried to make some +resistance, as if a great force beneath my feet lifted me up. I know +of nothing with which to compare it; but it was much more violent than +the other spiritual visitations, and I was therefore as one ground to +pieces; for it is a great struggle, and, in short, of little use, +whenever our Lord so wills it. There is no power against +His power.</p> +<p><a name="l20.8">8</a>. At other times He is pleased to be satisfied +when He makes us see that He is ready to give us this grace, and that +it is not He that withholds it. Then, when we resist it out of +humility, He produces those very effects which would have resulted if +we had fully consented to it.</p> +<p><a name="l20.9">9</a>. The effects of rapture are great: one is +that the mighty power of our Lord is manifested; and as we are not +strong enough, when His Majesty wills it, to control either soul or +body, so neither have we any power over it; but, whether we like it or +not, we see that there is one mightier than we are, that these graces +are His gifts, and that of ourselves we can do nothing whatever; and +humility is deeply imprinted in us. And further, I confess that it +threw me into great fear, very great indeed at first; for when I saw +my body thus lifted up from the earth, how could I help it? Though +the spirit draws it upwards after itself, and that with great +sweetness, if unresisted, the senses are not lost; at least, I was so +much myself as to be able to see that I was being lifted up. The +majesty of Him who can effect this so manifests itself, that the hairs +of my head stand upright, [<a href="#l20note7">7</a>] and a great fear +comes upon me of offending God, who is so mighty. This fear is bound +up in exceedingly great love, which is acquired anew, and directed to +Him, who, we see, bears so great a love to a worm so vile, and who +seems not to be satisfied with attracting the soul to Himself in so +real a way, but who will have the body also, though it be mortal and +of earth so foul, such as it is through our sins, which are +so great.</p> +<p><a name="l20.10">10</a>. Rapture leaves behind a certain strange +detachment also, which I shall never be able to describe; I think I +can say that it is in some respects different from--yea, higher +than--the other graces, which are simply spiritual; for though these +effect a complete detachment in spirit from all things, it seems that +in this of rapture our Lord would have the body itself to be detached +also: and thus a certain singular estrangement from the things of +earth is wrought, which makes life much more distressing. Afterwards +it causes a pain, which we can never inflict of ourselves, nor remove +when once it has come.</p> +<p><a name="l20.11">11</a>. I should like very much to explain this +great pain, and I believe I shall not be able; however, I will say +something if I can. And it is to be observed that this is my present +state, and one to which I have been brought very lately, after all the +visions and revelations of which I shall speak, and after that time, +wherein I gave myself to prayer, in which our Lord gave me so much +sweetness and delight. [<a href="#l20note8">8</a>] Even now I have +that sweetness occasionally; but it is the pain of which I speak that +is the most frequent and the most common. It varies in its intensity. +I will now speak of it when it is sharpest; for I shall speak later +on [<a href="#l20note9">9</a>] of the great shocks I used to feel when +our Lord would throw me into those trances, and which are, in my +opinion, as different from this pain as the most corporeal thing is +from the most spiritual; and I believe that I am not exaggerating +much. For though the soul feels that pain, it is in company with the +body; [<a href="#l20note10">10</a>] both soul and body apparently +share it, and it is not attended with that extremity of abandonment +which belongs to this.</p> +<p><a name="l20.12">12</a>. As I said +before, [<a href="#l20note11">11</a>] we have no part in causing this +pain; but very often there springs up a desire unexpectedly,--I know +not how it comes,--and because of this desire, which pierces the soul +in a moment, the soul begins to be wearied, so much so that it rises +upwards above itself, and above all created things. God then so +strips it of everything, that, do what it may, there is nothing on +earth that can be its companion. Neither, indeed, would it wish to +have any; it would rather die in that loneliness. If people spoke to +it, and if itself made every effort possible to speak, it would be of +little use: the spirit, notwithstanding all it may do, cannot be +withdrawn from that loneliness; and though God seems, as it were, far +away from the soul at that moment, yet He reveals His grandeurs at +times in the strangest way conceivable. That way is indescribable; I +do not think any one can believe or comprehend it who has not +previously had experience of it. It is a communication made, not to +console, but to show the reason why the soul must be weary; because it +is far away from the Good which in itself comprehends all good.</p> +<p><a name="l20.13">13</a>. In this communication the desire grows, +so also does the bitterness of that loneliness wherein the soul +beholds itself, suffering a pain so sharp and piercing that, in that +very loneliness in which it dwells, it may literally say of +itself,--and perhaps the royal prophet said so, being in that very +loneliness himself, except that our Lord may have granted to him, +being a saint, to feel it more deeply,--"Vigilavi, et factus sum +sicut passer solitarius in tecto." [<a href="#l20note12">12</a>] +These words presented themselves to me in such a way that I thought I +saw them fulfilled in myself. It was a comfort to know that others +had felt this extreme loneliness; how much greater my comfort, when +these persons were such as David was! The soul is then--so I +think--not in itself, but on the house-top, or on the roof, above +itself, and above all created things; for it seems to me to have its +dwelling higher than even in the highest part of itself.</p> +<p><a name="l20.14">14</a>. On other occasions, the soul seems to be, +as it were, in the utmost extremity of need, asking itself, and +saying, "Where is Thy God?" [<a href="#l20note13">13</a>] And +it is to be remembered, that I did not know how to express in Spanish +the meaning of those words. Afterwards, when I understood what it +was, I used to console myself with the thought, that our Lord, without +any effort of mine, had made me remember them. At other times, I used +to recollect a saying of <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Paul's, to the +effect that he was crucified to the +world. [<a href="#l20note14">14</a>] I do not mean that this is true +of me: I know it is not; but I think it is the state of the enraptured +soul. No consolation reaches it from heaven, and it is not there +itself; it wishes for none from earth, and it is not there either; but +it is, as it were, crucified between heaven and earth, enduring its +passion: receiving no succour from either.</p> +<p><a name="l20.15">15</a>. Now, the succour it receives from +heaven--which, as I have said, [<a href="#l20note15">15</a>] is a most +marvellous knowledge of God, above all that we can desire--brings with +it greater pain; for the desire then so grows, that, in my opinion, +its intense painfulness now and then robs the soul of all sensation; +only, it lasts but for a short time after the senses are suspended. It +seems as if it were the point of death; only, the agony carries with +it so great a joy, that I know of nothing wherewith to compare it. It +is a sharp martyrdom, full of sweetness; for if any earthly thing be +then offered to the soul, even though it may be that which it +habitually found most sweet, the soul will have none of it; yea, it +seems to throw it away at once. The soul sees distinctly that it +seeks nothing but God; yet its love dwells not on any attribute of Him +in particular; it seeks Him as He is, and knows not what it seeks. I +say that it knows not, because the imagination forms no representation +whatever; and, indeed, as I think, during much of that time the +faculties are at rest. Pain suspends them then, as joy suspends them +in union and in a trance.</p> +<p><a name="l20.16">16</a>. O Jesus! oh, that some one would clearly +explain this to you, my father, were it only that you may tell me what +it means, because this is the habitual state of my soul! Generally, +when I am not particularly occupied, I fall into these agonies of +death, and I tremble when I feel them coming on, because they are not +unto death. But when I am in them, I then wish to spend therein all +the rest of my life, though the pain be so very great, that I can +scarcely endure it. Sometimes my pulse ceases, as it were, to beat at +all,--so the sisters say, who sometimes approach me, and who now +understand the matter better,--my bones are racked, and my hands +become so rigid, that I cannot always join them. Even on the following +day I have a pain in my wrists, and over my whole body, as if my bones +were out of joint. [<a href="#l20note16">16</a>] Well, I think +sometimes, if it continues as at present, that it will end, in the +good pleasure of our Lord, by putting an end to my life; for the pain +seems to me sharp enough to cause death; only, I do not +deserve it.</p> +<p><a name="l20.17">17</a>. All my anxiety at these times is that I +should die: I do not think of purgatory, nor of the great sins I have +committed, and by which I have deserved hell. I forget everything in +my eagerness to see God; and this abandonment and loneliness seem +preferable to any company in the world. If anything can be a +consolation in this state, it is to speak to one who has passed +through this trial, seeing that, though the soul may complain of it, +no one seems disposed to believe in it.</p> +<p><a name="l20.18">18</a>. The soul is tormented also because the +pain has increased so much, that it seeks solitude no longer, as it +did before, nor companionship, unless it be that of those to whom it +may make its complaint. It is now like a person, who, having a rope +around his neck, and being strangled, tries to breathe. This desire of +companionship seems to me to proceed from our weakness; for, as pain +brings with it the risk of death,--which it certainly does; for I have +been occasionally in danger of death, in my great sickness and +infirmities, as I have said before, [<a href="#l20note17">17</a>] and I +think I may say that this pain is as great as any,--so the desire not +to be parted, which possesses soul and body, is that which raises the +cry for succour in order to breathe, and by speaking of it, by +complaining, and distracting itself, causes the soul to seek means of +living very much against the will of the spirit, or the higher part of +the soul, which would not wish to be delivered from this pain.</p> +<p><a name="l20.19">19</a>. I am not sure that I am correct in what I +say, nor do I know how to express myself, but to the best of my +knowledge it comes to pass in this way. See, my father, what rest I +can have in this life, now that what I once had in prayer and +loneliness--therein our Lord used to comfort me--has become in general +a torment of this kind; while, at the same time, it is so full of +sweetness, that the soul, discerning its inestimable worth, prefers it +to all those consolations which it formerly had. It seems also to be +a safer state, because it is the way of the cross; and involves, in my +opinion, a joy of exceeding worth, because the state of the body in it +is only pain. It is the soul that suffers and exults alone in that +joy and contentment which suffering supplies.</p> +<p><a name="l20.20">20</a>. I know not how this can be, but so it is; +it comes from the hand of our Lord, and, as I said +before, [<a href="#l20note18">18</a>] is not anything that I have +acquired myself, because it is exceedingly supernatural, and I think I +would not barter it for all the graces of which I shall speak further +on: I do not say for all of them together, but for any one of them +separately. And it must not be forgotten that, as I have just said, +these impetuosities came upon me after I had received those graces +from our Lord [<a href="#l20note19">19</a>] which I am speaking of now, +and all those described in this book, and it is in this state our Lord +keeps me at this moment. [<a href="#l20note20">20</a>]</p> +<p><a name="l20.21">21</a>. In the beginning I was afraid--it happens +to me to be almost always so when our Lord leads me by a new way, +until His Majesty reassures me as I proceed--and so our Lord bade me +not to fear, but to esteem this grace more than all the others He had +given me; for the soul was purified by this pain--burnished, or +refined as gold in the crucible, so that it might be the better +enamelled with His gifts, and the dross burnt away in this life, which +would have to be burnt away in purgatory.</p> +<p><a name="l20.22">22</a>. I understood perfectly that this pain was +a great grace; but I was much more certain of it now and my confessor +tells me I did well. And though I was afraid, because I was so +wicked, I never could believe it was anything wrong: on the other +hand, the exceeding greatness of the blessing made me afraid, when I +called to mind how little I had deserved it. Blessed be our Lord, who +is so good! Amen.</p> +<p><a name="l20.23">23</a>. I have, it seems, wandered from my +subject; for I began by speaking of raptures, and that of which I have +been speaking is even more than a rapture, and the effects of it are +what I have described. Now let us return to raptures, and speak of +their ordinary characteristics. I have to say that, when the rapture +was over, my body seemed frequently to be buoyant, as if all weight +had departed from it; so much so, that now and then I scarcely knew +that my feet touched the ground. But during the rapture itself the +body is very often as if it were dead, perfectly powerless. It +continues in the position it was in when the rapture came upon it--if +sitting, sitting; if the hands were open, or if they were shut, they +will remain open or shut. [<a href="#l20note21">21</a>] For though the +senses fail but rarely, it has happened to me occasionally to lose +them wholly--seldom, however, and then only for a short time. But in +general they are in disorder; and though they have no power whatever +to deal with outward things, there remains the power of hearing and +seeing; but it is as if the things heard and seen were at a great +distance, far away.</p> +<p><a name="l20.24">24</a>. I do not say that the soul sees and hears +when the rapture is at the highest,--I mean by at the highest, when +the faculties are lost, because profoundly united with God,--for then +it neither sees, nor hears, nor perceives, as I believe; but, as I +said of the previous prayer of union, [<a href="#l20note22">22</a>] +this utter transformation of the soul in God continues only for an +instant; yet while it continues no faculty of the soul is aware +of it, or knows what is passing there. Nor can it be understood while +we are living on the earth--at least, God will not have us understand +it, because we must be incapable of understanding it. I know it +by experience.</p> +<p><a name="l20.25">25</a>. You, my father, will ask me: How comes it, +then, that a rapture occasionally lasts so many hours? What has often +happened to me is this,--I spoke of it before, when writing of the +previous state of prayer, [<a href="#l20note23">23</a>]--the rapture is +not continuous, the soul is frequently absorbed, or, to speak more +correctly, our Lord absorbs it in Himself; and when He has held it +thus for a moment, the will alone remains in union with Him. The +movements of the two other faculties seem to me to be like those of +the needle of sun-dials, which is never at rest; yet when the Sun of +Justice will have it so, He can hold it still.</p> +<p><a name="l20.26">26</a>. This I speak of lasts but a moment; yet, +as the impulse and the upraising of the spirit were vehement, and +though the other faculties bestir themselves again, the will continues +absorbed, and causes this operation in the body, as if it were the +absolute mistress; for now that the two other faculties are restless, +and attempt to disturb it, it takes care--for if it is to have +enemies, the fewer the better--that the senses also shall not trouble +it: and thus it comes to pass that the senses are suspended; for so +our Lord wills it. And for the most part the eyes are closed, though +we may not wish to close them; and if occasionally they remain open, +as I said just now, the soul neither discerns nor considers what +it sees.</p> +<p><a name="l20.27">27</a>. What the body then can do here is still +less in order that, when the faculties come together again, there may +not be so much to do. Let him, therefore, to whom our Lord has +granted this grace, be not discouraged when he finds himself in this +state--the body under constraint for many hours, the understanding and +the memory occasionally astray. The truth is that, in general, they +are inebriated with the praises of God, or with searching to +comprehend or understand that which has passed over them. And yet +even for this they are not thoroughly awake, but are rather like one +who has slept long, and dreamed, and is hardly yet awake.</p> +<p><a name="l20.28">28</a>. I dwell so long on this point because I +know that there are persons now, even in this +place, [<a href="#l20note24">24</a>] to whom our Lord is granting +these graces; and if their directors have had no experience in the +matter, they will think, perhaps, that they must be as dead persons +during the trance--and they will think so the more if they have no +learning. It is piteous to see what those confessors who do not +understand this make people suffer. I shall speak of it by and +by. [<a href="#l20note25">25</a>] Perhaps I do not know what I am +saying. You, my father, will understand it, if I am at all correct; +for our Lord has admitted you to the experience of it: yet, because +that experience is not very great, it may be, perhaps, that you have +not considered the matter so much as I have done.</p> +<p><a name="l20.29">29</a>. So then, though I do all I can, my body +has no strength to move for some time; the soul took it all away. +Very often, too, he who was before sickly and full of pain remains +healthy, and even stronger; for it is something great that is given to +the soul in rapture; and sometimes, as I have said +already, [<a href="#l20note26">26</a>] our Lord will have the body +rejoice, because it is obedient in that which the soul requires of it. +When we recover our consciousness, the faculties may remain, if the +rapture has been deep, for a day or two, and even for three days, so +absorbed, or as if stunned,--so much so, as to be in appearance no +longer themselves.</p> +<p><a name="l20.30">30</a>. Here comes the pain of returning to this +life; here it is the wings of the soul grew, to enable it to fly so +high: the weak feathers are fallen off. Now the standard of Christ is +raised up aloft, which seems to be nothing else but the going up, or +the carrying up, of the Captain of the fort to the highest tower of +it, there to raise up the standard of God. The soul, as in a place of +safety, looks down on those below; it fears no dangers now--yea, +rather, it courts them, as one assured beforehand of victory. It sees +most clearly how lightly are the things of this world to be esteemed, +and the nothingness thereof. The soul now seeks not, and possesses +not, any other will but that of doing our Lord's +will, [<a href="#l20note27">27</a>] and so it prays Him to let it be +so; it gives to Him the keys of its own will. Lo, the gardener is now +become the commander of a fortress! The soul will do nothing but the +will of our Lord; it will not act as the owner even of itself, nor of +anything, not even of a single apple in the orchard; only, if there be +any good thing in the garden, it is at His Majesty's disposal; for +from henceforth the soul will have nothing of its own,--all it seeks +is to do everything for His glory, and according to His will.</p> +<p><a name="l20.31">31</a>. This is really the way in which these +things come to pass; if the raptures be true raptures, the fruits and +advantages spoken of abide in the soul; but if they did not, I should +have great doubts about their being from God--yea, rather, I should be +afraid they were those frenzies of which <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Vincent speaks. [<a href="#l20note28">28</a>] +I have seen it myself, and I know it by experience, that the soul in +rapture is mistress of everything, and acquires such freedom in one +hour, and even in less, as to be unable to recognize itself. It sees +distinctly that all this does not belong to it, neither knows it +how it came to possess so great a good; but it clearly perceives the +very great blessing which every one of these raptures always brings. +No one will believe this who has not had experience of it, and so they +do not believe the poor soul: they saw it lately so wicked, and now +they see it pretend to things of so high an order; for it is not +satisfied with serving our Lord in the common way,--it must do so +forthwith in the highest way it can. They consider this a temptation +and a folly; yet they would not be astonished, if they knew that it +comes not from the soul, but from our Lord, to whom it has given up +the keys of its will.</p> +<p><a name="l20.32">32</a>. For my part, I believe that a soul which +has reached this state neither speaks nor acts of itself, but rather +that the supreme King takes care of all it has to do. O my God, how +clear is the meaning of those words, and what good reason the Psalmist +had, and all the world will ever have, to pray for the wings of a +dove! [<a href="#l20note29">29</a>] It is plain that this is the +flight of the spirit rising upwards above all created things, and +chiefly above itself: but it is a sweet flight, a delicious flight--a +flight without noise.</p> +<p><a name="l20.33">33</a>. Oh, what power that soul possesses which +our Lord raises to this state! how it looks down upon everything, +entangled by nothing! how ashamed it is of the time when it was +entangled! how it is amazed at its own blindness! how it pities those +who are still in darkness, especially if they are men of prayer, and +have received consolations from God! It would like to cry out to +them, that they might be made to see the delusions they are in: and, +indeed, it does so now and then; and then a thousand persecutions fall +upon it as a shower. People consider it wanting in humility, and +think it means to teach those from whom it should learn, particularly +if it be a woman. Hence its condemnation; and not without reason; +because they know not how strong the influence is that moves it. The +soul at times cannot help itself; nor can it refrain from undeceiving +those it loves, and whom it longs to see delivered out of the prison +of this life; for that state in which the soul itself had been before +neither is, nor seems to be, anything else but a prison.</p> +<p><a name="l20.34">34</a>. The soul is weary of the days during which +it respected points of honour, and the delusion which led it to +believe that to be honour which the world calls by that name; now it +sees it to be the greatest lie, and that we are all walking therein. +It understands that true honour is not delusive, but real, esteeming +that which is worthy of esteem, and despising that which is +despicable; for everything is nothing, and less than nothing, whatever +passeth away, and is not pleasing unto God. The soul laughs at itself +when it thinks of the time in which it regarded money, and desired to +possess it,--though, as to this, I verily believe that I never had to +confess such a fault; it was fault enough to have regarded money at +all. If I could purchase with money the blessings which I possess, I +should make much of it; but it is plain that these blessings are +gained by abandoning all things.</p> +<p><a name="l20.35">35</a>. What is there that is procurable by this +money which we desire? Is it anything of worth, and anything lasting? +Why, then, do we desire it? A dismal resting place it provides, which +costs so dear! Very often it obtains for us hell itself, fire +everlasting, and torments without end. Oh, if all men would but +regard it as profitless dross, how peaceful the world would be! how +free from bargaining! How friendly all men would be one with another, +if no regard were paid to honour and money! I believe it would be a +remedy for everything.</p> +<p><a name="l20.36">36</a>. The soul sees how blind men are to the +nature of pleasure--how by means of it they provide for themselves +trouble and disquietude even in this life. What restlessness! how +little satisfaction! what labour in vain! It sees, too, not only the +cobwebs that cover it, and its great faults, but also the specks of +dirt, however slight they may be; for the sun shines most clearly; and +thus, however much the soul may have laboured at its own perfection, +it sees itself to be very unclean, if the rays of the sun fall really +upon it. The soul is like water in a vessel, which appears pellucid +when the sun does not shine through it; but if it does, the water then +is found to be full of motes.</p> +<p><a name="l20.37">37</a>. This comparison is literally correct. +Before the soul fell into the trance, it thought itself to be careful +about not offending God, and that it did what it could in proportion +to its strength; but now that it has attained to this state, in which +the Sun of Justice shines upon it, and makes it open its eyes, it +beholds so many motes, that it would gladly close them again. It is +not so truly the child of the noble eagle, that it can gaze upon the +sun; but, for the few instants it can keep them open, it beholds +itself wholly unclean. It remembers the words: "Who shall be just +in Thy presence?" [<a href="#l20note30">30</a>] When it looks on +this Divine Sun, the brightness thereof dazzles it,--when it looks on +itself, its eyes are blinded by the dust: the little dove is blind. +So it happens very often: the soul is utterly blinded, absorbed, +amazed, dizzy at the vision of so much grandeur.</p> +<p><a name="l20.38">38</a>. It is in rapture that true humility is +acquired--humility that will never say any good of self, nor suffer +others to do so. The Lord of the garden, not the soul, distributes +the fruit thereof, and so none remains in its hands; all the good it +has, it refers to God; if it says anything about itself, it is for His +glory. It knows that it possesses nothing here; and even if it +wished, it cannot continue ignorant of that. It sees this, as it +were, with the naked eye; for, whether it will or not, its eyes are +shut against the things of this world, and open to see the truth.</p> +<hr title="Notes"> +<p><small><a name="l20note1">1</a>. See <cite>Inner Fortress</cite>, +vi. ch. v.; Philippus a SS. Trinitate, <cite>Theolog. Mystic.</cite> +par. iii. tr. i, disp. iii., art. 3; <span lang="la">"Hæc oratio +raptus superior est præcedentibus orationis gradibus, etiam oratione +unionis ordinariæ, et habet effectus multoexcellentiores et multas +alias operationes."</span></small></p> +<p><small><a name="l20note2">2</a>. "She says that rapture is more +excellent than union; that is, that the soul in a rapture has a +greater fruition of God, and that God takes it then more into His own +hands. That is evidently so; because in a rapture the soul loses the +use of its exterior and interior faculties. When she says that union +is the beginning, middle, and end, she means that pure union is almost +always uniform; but that there are degrees in rapture, of which some +are, as it were, the beginning, some the middle, others the end. That +is the reason why it is called by different names; some of which +denote the least, others the most, perfect form of it, as it will +appear hereafter."--Note in the Spanish edition of Lopez (<cite>De +la Fuente</cite>).</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l20note3">3</a>. <abbr +title="Antonius">Anton.</abbr> a <abbr title="Spiritu">Spirit.</abbr> +Sancto, <cite><abbr lang="la" title="Directorium Mysticum">Direct. +Mystic.</abbr></cite> tr. 4, d. i. n. 95: <span lang="la">"Licet +oratio raptus idem sit apud mysticos ac oratio volatus, seu +elevationis spiritus seu extasis; reipsa tamen raptus aliquid addit +super extasim; nam extasis importat simplicem excessum mentis in +seipso secundum quem aliquis extra suam cognitionem ponitur. Raptus +vero super hoc addit violentiam quandam ab +aliquo extrinseco."</span></small></p> +<p><small><a name="l20note4">4</a>. The words between the dashes are +in the handwriting of the Saint--not however, in the text, but on the +margin (<cite>De la Fuente</cite>).</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l20note5">5</a>. See <cite>Inner Fortress</cite>, +vi. ch. v. <span lang="la">"Primus effectus orationis ecstaticæ +est in corpore, quod ita remanet, ac si per animam non informaretur, +infrigidatur enim calore naturali deficiente, clauduntur suaviter +oculi, et alii sensus amittuntur: contingit tamen quod corpus infirmum +in hac oratione sanitatem recuperat."</span> <abbr +title="Antonius">Anton.</abbr> a <abbr title="Spiritu">Spirit.</abbr> +Sancto, <cite><abbr lang="la" title="Directorium Mysticum">Direct. +Mystic.</abbr></cite> tr. iv. d. 2, § 4, n. 150.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l20note6">6</a>. This passage could not have been +in the first Life; for that was written before she had ever +been Prioress.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l20note7">7</a>. Job. iv. 15: <span +lang="la">"Inhorruerunt pili carnis meæ."</span> (See <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> John of the Cross. <cite>Spiritual +Canticle</cite>, <abbr title="stanzas">sts.</abbr> 14, 15, vol. ii +p. 83, Engl. trans.)</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l20note8">8</a>. See <a href="#l29.0">ch. +xxix</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l20note9">9</a>. See <a href="#l20.21">ch. xx. +§ 21</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l20note10">10</a>. <a href="#l20.9">§ 9</a>, <i +lang="la">supra</i>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l20note11">11</a>. <a +href="#l20.10">§ 10</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l20note12">12</a>. Psalm ci. 8: "I have +watched, and become as a sparrow alone on +the house-top."</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l20note13">13</a>. Psalm xli. 4: <span +lang="la">"Ubi est Deus tuus?"</span></small></p> +<p><small><a name="l20note14">14</a>. Galat. vi. 14: <span +lang="la">"In cruce Jesu Christi: per quem mihi mundus crucifixus +est, et ego mundo."</span></small></p> +<p><small><a name="l20note15">15</a>. <a href="#l20.9">§§ 9</a> and <a +href="#l20.12">12</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l20note16">16</a>. Daniel x. 16: <span +lang="la">"In visione tua dissolutæ sunt compages meæ."</span> +See <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> John of the Cross, <cite>Spiritual +Canticle</cite>, <abbr title="stanza">st.</abbr> 14, vol. ii. p. +84, Engl. trans.; and also <a +href="#r8.13"><cite>Relation</cite>, viii. § 13</a>, where +this is repeated.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l20note17">17</a>. <a href="#l5.18">Ch. v. +§ 18</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l20note18">18</a>. <a +href="#l20.12">§ 12</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l20note19">19</a>. The words from "I have just +said" to "our Lord" are in the margin of the text, but in +the handwriting of the Saint (<cite>De la Fuente</cite>).</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l20note20">20</a>. See <a +href="#l20.11">§ 11</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l20note21">21</a>. See <a +href="#r8.8"><cite>Relation</cite>, viii. +§ 8</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l20note22">22</a>. <a href="#l18.16">Ch. +xviii. § 16</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l20note23">23</a>. <a href="#l18.17">Ch. +xviii. § 17</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l20note24">24</a>. Avila.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l20note25">25</a>. <a href="#l25.18">Ch. +xxv. § 18</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l20note26">26</a>. <a +href="#l20.9">§ 9</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l20note27">27</a>. "Other will . . . Lord's +will." These words--in Spanish, <span lang="es">"Otra +voluntad, sino hacer la de nuestro Señor"</span>--are not in the +handwriting of the Saint; perhaps it was Father Bañes who wrote them. +The <abbr title="manuscript">MS.</abbr> is blurred, and the original +text seems to have been, <span lang="es">"libre alvedrio ni +guerra"</span> (<cite>De la Fuente</cite>).</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l20note28">28</a>. <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> +Vincent. Ferrer, <cite><abbr lang="la" +title="Instructio de vita spirituali">Instruct. de Vit. +Spirit.</abbr></cite> c. xiv. p. 14: <span lang="la">"Si dicerent +tibi aliquid quod sit contra fidem, et contra Scripturam Sacram, aut +contra bonos mores, ahhorreas earum visionem et judicia, tanquam +stultas dementias, et earum raptus, sicut +rabiamenta"</span>--which word the Saint translates +by "rabiamientos."</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l20note29">29</a>. Psalm liv. 7: <span +lang="la">"Quis dabit mihi pennas +sicut columbæ?"</span></small></p> +<p><small><a name="l20note30">30</a>. Job iv. 17: <span +lang="la">"Numquid homo Dei +comparatione justificabitur?"</span></small></p> +<hr title="Text"> +<h3><a name="l21.0">Chapter XXI.</a></h3> +<p><big>Conclusion of the Subject. Pain of the Awakening. Light +Against Delusions.</big></p> +<p><a name="l21.1">1</a>. To bring this matter to an end, I say that +it is not necessary for the soul to give its consent here; it is +already given: the soul knows that it has given up its will into His +hands, [<a href="#l21note1">1</a>] and that it cannot deceive Him, +because He knoweth all things. It is not here as it is in the world, +where all life is full of deceit and double-dealing. When you think +you have gained one man's good will, because of the outward show he +makes, you afterwards learn that all was a lie. No one can live in +the midst of so much scheming, particularly if there be any interests +at stake.</p> +<p><a name="l21.2">2</a>. Blessed, then, is that soul which our Lord +draws on to the understanding of the truth! Oh, what a state for +kings! How much better it would be for them if they strove for this, +rather than for great dominions! How justice would prevail under +their rule! What evils would be prevented, and might have been +prevented already! Here no man fears to lose life or honour for the +love of God. What a grand thing this would be to him who is more +bound than those beneath him to regard the honour of our Lord!--for it +is kings whom the crowd must follow. To make one step in the +propagation of the faith, and to give one ray of light to heretics, I +would forfeit a thousand kingdoms. And with good reason: for it is +another thing altogether to gain a kingdom that shall never end, +because one drop of the water of that kingdom, if the soul but tastes +it, renders the things of this world utterly loathsome.</p> +<p><a name="l21.3">3</a>. If, then, the soul should be wholly +engulfed, what then? O Lord, if Thou wert to give me the right to +publish this abroad, people would not believe me--as they do not +believe many who are able to speak of it in a way very different from +mine; but I should satisfy myself, at least. I believe I should count +my life as nothing, if I might make others understand but one of these +truths. I know not what I shall do afterwards, for I cannot trust +myself; though I am what I am, I have a violent desire, which is +wasting me, to say this to those who are in authority. And now that I +can do no more, I betake myself to Thee, O my Lord, to implore a +remedy for all. Thou knowest well that I would gladly divest myself of +all the graces which Thou hast given me,--provided I remained in a +condition never to offend Thee,--and give them up to those who are +kings; for I know it would then be impossible for them to allow what +they allow now, or fail to receive the very greatest blessings.</p> +<p><a name="l21.4">4</a>. O my God, make kings to understand how far +their obligations reach! Thou hast been pleased to distinguish them +on earth in such a way that--so I have heard--Thou showest signs in +the heavens when Thou takest any of them away. Certainly, when I +think of this, my devotion is stirred, because Thou wilt have them +learn, O my King, even from this, that they must imitate Thee in their +lives, seeing that, when they die, signs are visible in the heavens, +as it was when Thou wert dying Thyself.</p> +<p><a name="l21.5">5</a>. I am very bold; if it be wrong, you, my +father, will tear this out: only believe that I should speak much more +to the purpose in the presence of kings,--if I might, or thought they +would listen to me,--for I recommend them greatly to God, and I wish I +might be of service to them. All this makes one risk life; for I long +frequently to lose mine,--and that would be to lose a little for the +chance of gaining much; for surely it is not possible to live, when we +see with our eyes the great delusion wherein we are walking, and the +blindness in which we are living.</p> +<p><a name="l21.6">6</a>. A soul that has attained to this is not +limited to the desires it has to serve God; for His Majesty gives it +strength to bring those desires to good effect. Nothing can be put +before it into which it will not throw itself, if only it thinks that +God may be served thereby: and yet it is doing nothing, because, as I +said before, [<a href="#l21note2">2</a>] it sees clearly that all is +nothing, except pleasing God. The trial is, that those who are so +worthless as I am, have no trial of the kind. May it be Thy good +pleasure, O my God, that the time may come in which I may be able to +pay one farthing at least, of the heavy debt I owe Thee! Do Thou, O +Lord, so dispose matters according to Thy will, that this Thy servant +may do Thee some service. Other women there have been who did heroic +deeds for Thee; I am good only to talk; and so it has not been Thy +pleasure, O my God, that I should do any thing: all ends in talk and +desires--that is all my service. And yet even in this I am not free, +because it is possible I might fail altogether.</p> +<p><a name="l21.7">7</a>. Strengthen Thou my soul, and prepare it, O +Good of all good; and, my Jesus, then ordain Thou the means whereby I +may do something for Thee, so that there may be not even one who can +bear to receive so much, and make no payment in return. Cost what it +may, O Lord, let me not come before Thee with hands so +empty, [<a href="#l21note3">3</a>] seeing that the reward of every one +will be according to his works. [<a href="#l21note4">4</a>] Behold my +life, behold my good name and my will; I have given them all to Thee; +I am Thine: dispose of me according to Thy will. I see well enough, O +Lord, how little I can do; but now, having drawn near to Thee,--having +ascended to this watchtower, from which the truth may be seen,--and +while Thou departest not from me, I can do all things; but if Thou +departest from me, were it but for a moment, I shall go thither where +I was once--that is, to hell. [<a href="#l21note5">5</a>]</p> +<p><a name="l21.8">8</a>. Oh, what it is for a soul in this state to +have to return to the commerce of the world, to see and look on the +farce of this life, [<a href="#l21note6">6</a>] so ill-ordered; to +waste its time in attending to the body by sleeping and +eating! [<a href="#l21note7">7</a>] All is wearisome; it cannot run +away,--it sees itself chained and imprisoned; it feels then most +keenly the captivity into which the body has brought us, and the +wretchedness of this life. It understands the reason why <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Paul prayed to God to deliver him from +it. [<a href="#l21note8">8</a>] The soul cries with the Apostle, and +calls upon God to deliver it, as I said on another +occasion. [<a href="#l21note9">9</a>] But here it often cries with so +much violence, that it seems as if it would go out of the body in +search of its freedom, now that they do not take it away. It is as a +slave sold into a strange land; and what distresses it most is, that +it cannot find many who make the same complaint and the same prayer: +the desire of life is more common.</p> +<p><a name="l21.9">9</a>. Oh, if we were utterly detached,--if we +never placed our happiness in anything of this world,--how the pain, +caused by living always away from God, would temper the fear of death +with the desire of enjoying the true life! Sometimes I consider, if a +person like myself--because our Lord has given this light to me, whose +love is so cold, and whose true rest is so uncertain, for I have not +deserved it by my works--frequently feels her banishment so much, what +the feelings of the Saints must have been. What must <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Paul and the Magdalene, and others like them, +have suffered, in whom the fire of the love of God has grown so +strong? Their life must have been a continual martyrdom. It seems to +me that they who bring me any comfort, and whose conversation is any +relief, are those persons in whom I find these desires--I mean, +desires with acts. I say with acts, for there are people who think +themselves detached, and who say so of themselves,--and it must be so, +for their vocation demands it, as well as the many years that are +passed since some of them began to walk in the way of perfection,--but +my soul distinguishes clearly, and afar off, between those who are +detached in words, and those who make good those words by deeds. The +little progress of the former, and the great progress of the latter, +make it plain. This is a matter which a person of any experience can +see into most clearly.</p> +<p><a name="l21.10">10</a>. So far, then, of the effects of those +raptures which come from the Spirit of God. The truth is, that these +are greater or less. I say less, because in the beginning, though the +effects are wrought, they are not tested by works, and so it cannot be +clear that a person has them; and perfection, too, is a thing of +growth, and of labouring after freedom from the cobwebs of memory; and +this requires some time. Meanwhile, the greater the growth of love +and humility in the soul, the stronger the perfume of the flowers of +virtues is for itself and for others. The truth is, that our Lord can +so work in the soul in an instant during these raptures, that but +little remains for the soul to do in order to attain to perfection. +No one, who has not had experience of it, will ever be able to believe +what our Lord now bestows on the soul. No effort of ours--so I +think--can ever reach so far.</p> +<p><a name="l21.11">11</a>. However, I do not mean to say that those +persons who during many years make use of the method prescribed by +writers on prayer,--who discuss the principles thereof, and the means +whereby it may be acquired,--will not, by the help of our Lord, attain +to perfection and great detachment with much labour; but they will not +attain to it so rapidly as by the way of raptures, in which our Lord +works independently of us, draws the soul utterly away from earth, and +gives it dominion over all things here below, though the merits of +that soul may not be greater than mine were: I cannot use stronger +language, for my merits are as nothing. Why His Majesty doeth this is, +because it is His pleasure, and He doeth it according to His pleasure; +even if the soul be without the fitting disposition, He disposes it +for the reception of that blessing which He is giving to it. Although +it be most certain that He never fails to comfort those who do well, +and strive to be detached, still He does not always give these effects +because they have deserved them at His hands by cultivating the +garden, but because it is His will to show His greatness at times in a +soil which is most worthless, as I have just said, and to prepare it +for all good: and all this in such a way that it seems as if the soul +was now, in a manner, unable to go back and live in sin against God, +as it did before.</p> +<p><a name="l21.12">12</a>. The mind is now so inured to the +comprehension of that which is truth indeed, that everything else +seems to it to be but child's play. It laughs to itself, at times, +when it sees grave men--men given to prayer, men of religion--make +much of points of honour, which itself is trampling beneath its feet. +They say that discretion, and the dignity of their callings, require +it of them as a means to do more good; but that soul knows perfectly +well that they would do more good in one day by preferring the love of +God to this their dignity, than they will do in ten years by +considering it.</p> +<p><a name="l21.13">13</a>. The life of this soul is a life of +trouble: the cross is always there, but the progress it makes is +great. When those who have to do with it think it has arrived at the +summit of perfection, within a little while they see it much more +advanced; for God is ever giving it grace upon grace. God is the soul +of that soul now; it is He who has the charge of it; and so He +enlightens it; for He seems to be watching over it, always attentive +to it, that it may not offend Him,--giving it grace, and stirring it +up in His service. When my soul reached this state, in which God +showed me mercy so great, my wretchedness came to an end, and +our Lord gave me strength to rise above it. The former occasions of +sin, as well as the persons with whom I was accustomed to distract +myself, did me no more harm than if they had never existed; on the +contrary, that which ordinarily did me harm, helped me on. Everything +contributed to make me know God more, and to love Him; to make me see +how much I owed Him, as well as to be sorry for being what I +had been.</p> +<p><a name="l21.14">14</a>. I saw clearly that this did not come from +myself, that I had not brought it about by any efforts of my own, and +that there was not time enough for it. His Majesty, of His mere +goodness, had given me strength for it. From the time our Lord began +to give me the grace of raptures, until now, this strength has gone on +increasing. He, of His goodness, hath held me by the hand, that I +might not go back. I do not think that I am doing anything +myself--certainly I do not; for I see distinctly that all this is the +work of our Lord. For this reason, it seems to me that the soul in +which our Lord worketh these graces,--if it walks in humility and +fear, always acknowledging the work of our Lord, and that we ourselves +can do, as it were, nothing,--may be thrown among any companions, and, +however distracted and wicked these may be, will neither be hurt nor +disturbed in any way; on the contrary, as I have just said, that will +help it on, and be a means unto it whereby it may derive much +greater profit.</p> +<p><a name="l21.15">15</a>. Those souls are strong which are chosen by +our Lord to do good to others; still, this their strength is not their +own. When our Lord brings a soul on to this state, He communicates to +it of His greatest secrets by degrees. True revelations--the great +gifts and visions--come by ecstasies, all tending to make the soul +humble and strong, to make it despise the things of this world, and +have a clearer knowledge of the greatness of the reward which our Lord +has prepared for those who +serve Him. [<a href="#l21note10">10</a>]</p> +<p><a name="l21.16">16</a>. May it please His Majesty that the great +munificence with which He hath dealt with me, miserable sinner that I +am, may have some weight with those who shall read this, so that they +may be strong and courageous enough to give up everything utterly for +God. If His Majesty repays us so abundantly, that even in this life +the reward and gain of those who serve Him become visible, what will +it be in the next?</p> +<hr title="Notes"> +<p><small><a name="l21note1">1</a>. <a href="#l20.30">Ch. +xx. § 30</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l21note2">2</a>. <a href="#l20.34">Ch. +xx. § 34</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l21note3">3</a>. Exod. xxiii. 15: <span +lang="la">"Non apparebis in conspectu +meo vacuus."</span></small></p> +<p><small><a name="l21note4">4</a>. Apoc. ii. 23: <span +lang="la">"Dabo unicuique vestrum secundum +opera sua."</span></small></p> +<p><small><a name="l21note5">5</a>. See <a +href="#l33.1">ch. xxxii. § 1</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l21note6">6</a>. <span lang="es">"Farsa de esta +vida tan mal concertada."</span></small></p> +<p><small><a name="l21note7">7</a>. <cite>Inner Fortress</cite>, iv. +ch. i. § 11.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l21note8">8</a>. Rom. vii. 24: <span +lang="la">"Quis me liberabit de corpore +mortis hujus?"</span></small></p> +<p><small><a name="l21note9">9</a>. <a href="#l16.7">Ch. +xvi. § 7</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l21note10">10</a>. 1 Cor. ii. 9: <span +lang="la">"Quæ præparavit Deus his qui +diligunt Illum."</span></small></p> +<hr title="Text"> +<h3><a name="l22.0">Chapter XXII.</a></h3> +<p><big>The Security of Contemplatives Lies in Their Not Ascending to +High Things if Our Lord Does Not Raise Them. The Sacred Humanity Must +Be the Road to the Highest Contemplation. A Delusion in Which the +Saint Was Once Entangled.</big></p> +<p><a name="l22.1">1</a>. There is one thing I should like to say--I +think it important: and if you, my father, approve, it will serve for +a lesson that possibly may be necessary; for in some books on prayer +the writers say that the soul, though it cannot in its own strength +attain to this state,--because it is altogether a supernatural work +wrought in it by our Lord,--may nevertheless succeed, by lifting up +the spirit above all created things, and raising it upwards in +humility, after some years spent in a purgative life, and advancing in +the illuminative. I do not very well know what they mean by +illuminative: I understand it to mean the life of those who are making +progress. And they advise us much to withdraw from all bodily +imagination, and draw near to the contemplation of the Divinity; for +they say that those who have advanced so far would be embarrassed or +hindered in their way to the highest contemplation, if they regarded +even the Sacred Humanity itself. [<a href="#l22note1">1</a>] They +defend their opinion [<a href="#l22note2">2</a>] by bringing forward +the words [<a href="#l22note3">3</a>] of our Lord to the Apostles, +concerning the coming of the Holy Ghost; I mean that Coming which was +after the Ascension. If the Apostles had believed, as they believed +after the Coming of the Holy Ghost, that He is both God and Man, His +bodily Presence would, in my opinion, have been no hindrance; for +those words were not said to the Mother of God, though she loved Him +more than all. [<a href="#l22note4">4</a>] They think that, as this +work of contemplation is wholly spiritual, any bodily object whatever +can disturb or hinder it. They say that the contemplative should +regard himself as being within a definite space, God everywhere +around, and himself absorbed in Him. This is what we should +aim at.</p> +<p><a name="l22.2">2</a>. This seems to me right enough now and then; +but to withdraw altogether from Christ, and to compare His divine Body +with our miseries or with any created thing whatever, is what I cannot +endure. May God help me to explain myself! I am not contradicting +them on this point, for they are learned and spiritual persons, +understanding what they say: God, too, is guiding souls by many ways +and methods, as He has guided mine. It is of my own soul that I wish +to speak now,--I do not intermeddle with others,--and of the danger I +was in because I would comply with the directions I was reading. I +can well believe that he who has attained to union, and advances no +further,--that is, to raptures, visions, and other graces of God given +to souls,--will consider that opinion to be best, as I did myself: and +if I had continued in it, I believe I should never have reached the +state I am in now. I hold it to be a delusion: still, it may be that +it is I who am deluded. But I will tell you what happened to me.</p> +<p><a name="l22.3">3</a>. As I had no director, I used to read these +books, where, by little and little, I thought I might understand +something. I found out afterwards that, if our Lord had not shown me +the way, I should have learned but little from books; for I understood +really nothing till His Majesty made me learn by experience: neither +did I know what I was doing. So, in the beginning, when I attained to +some degree of supernatural prayer,--I speak of the prayer of +quiet,--I laboured to remove from myself every thought of bodily +objects; but I did not dare to lift up my soul, for that I saw would +be presumption in me, who was always so wicked. I thought, however, +that I had a sense of the presence of God: this was true, and I +contrived to be in a state of recollection before Him. This method of +prayer is full of sweetness, if God helps us in it, and the joy of it +is great. And so, because I was conscious of the profit and delight +which this way furnished me, no one could have brought me back to the +contemplation of the Sacred Humanity; for that seemed to me to be a +real hindrance to prayer.</p> +<p><a name="l22.4">4</a>. O Lord of my soul, and my Good! Jesus +Christ crucified! I never think of this opinion, which I then held, +without pain; I believe it was an act of high treason, though done in +ignorance. Hitherto, I had been all my life long so devout to the +Sacred Humanity--for this happened but lately; I mean by lately, that +it was before our Lord gave me the grace of raptures and visions. I +did not continue long of this opinion, [<a href="#l22note5">5</a>] and +so I returned to my habit of delighting in our Lord, particularly at +Communion. I wish I could have His picture and image always before my +eyes, since I cannot have Him graven in my soul as deeply as +I wish.</p> +<p><a name="l22.5">5</a>. Is it possible, O my Lord, that I could have +had the thought, if only for an hour, that Thou couldst be a hindrance +to my greatest good? Whence are all my blessings? are they not from +Thee? I will not think that I was blamable, for I was very sorry for +it, and it was certainly done in ignorance. And so it pleased Thee, +in Thy goodness, to succour me, by sending me one who has delivered me +from this delusion; and afterwards by showing Thyself to me so many +times, as I shall relate hereafter, [<a href="#l22note6">6</a>] that I +might clearly perceive how great my delusion was, and also tell it to +many persons; which I have done, as well as describe it as I am doing +now. I believe myself that this is the reason why so many souls, +after advancing to the prayer of union, make no further progress, and +do not attain to very great liberty of spirit.</p> +<p><a name="l22.6">6</a>. It seems to me, that there are two +considerations on which I may ground this opinion. Perhaps I am +saying nothing to the purpose, yet what I say is the result of +experience; for my soul was in a very evil plight, till our Lord +enlightened it: all its joys were but sips; and when it had come forth +therefrom, it never found itself in that company which afterwards it +had in trials and temptations.</p> +<p><a name="l22.7">7</a>. The first consideration is this: there is a +little absence of humility--so secret and so hidden, that we do not +observe it. Who is there so proud and wretched as I, that, even after +labouring all his life in penances and prayers and persecutions, can +possibly imagine himself not to be exceedingly rich, most abundantly +rewarded, when our Lord permits him to stand with <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> John at the foot of the cross? I know not +into whose head it could have entered to be not satisfied with this, +unless it be mine, which has gone wrong in every way where it should +have gone right onwards.</p> +<p><a name="l22.8">8</a>. Then, if our constitution--or perhaps +sickness--will not permit us always to think of His Passion, because +it is so painful, who is to hinder us from thinking of Him risen from +the grave, seeing that we have Him so near us in the Sacrament, where +he is glorified, and where we shall not see Him in His great +weariness--scourged, streaming with blood, faint by the way, +persecuted by those to whom He had done good, and not believed in by +the Apostles? Certainly it is not always that one can bear to +meditate on sufferings so great as were those He underwent. Behold +Him here, before His ascension into heaven, without pain, +all-glorious, giving strength to some and courage to others. In the +most Holy Sacrament, He is our companion, as if it was not in His +power to withdraw Himself for a moment from us. And yet it was in my +power to withdraw from Thee, O my Lord, that I might serve Thee +better! It may be that I knew Thee not when I sinned against Thee; +but how could I, having once known Thee, ever think I should gain more +in this way? O Lord, what an evil way I took! and I was going out of +the way, if Thou hadst not brought me back to it. When I see Thee +near me, I see all good things together. No trial befalls me that is +not easy to bear, when I think of Thee standing before those who +judged Thee.</p> +<p><a name="l22.9">9</a>. With so good a Friend and Captain ever +present, Himself the first to suffer, everything can be borne. He +helps, He strengthens, He never fails, He is the true Friend. I see +clearly, and since then have always seen, that if we are to please +God, and if He is to give us His great graces, everything must pass +through the hands of His most Sacred Humanity, in whom His Majesty +said that He is well pleased. [<a href="#l22note7">7</a>] I know this +by repeated experience: our Lord has told it me. I have seen clearly +that this is the door [<a href="#l22note8">8</a>] by which we are to +enter, if we would have His supreme Majesty reveal to us His +great secrets.</p> +<p><a name="l22.10">10</a>. So, then, I would have your reverence seek +no other way, even if you were arrived at the highest contemplation. +This way is safe. Our Lord is He by whom all good things come to us; +He will teach you. Consider His life; that is the best example. What +more can we want than so good a Friend at our side, who will not +forsake us when we are in trouble and distress, as they do who belong +to this world! Blessed is he who truly loves Him, and who always has +Him near him! Let us consider the glorious <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Paul, who seems as if Jesus was never absent +from his lips, as if he had Him deep down in his heart. After I had +heard this of some great Saints given to contemplation, I considered +the matter carefully; and I see that they walked in no other way. +<abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Francis with the stigmata proves it, +<abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Antony of Padua with the Infant Jesus; +<abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Bernard rejoiced in the Sacred +Humanity; so did <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Catherine of Siena, +and many others, as your reverence knows better than I do.</p> +<p><a name="l22.11">11</a>. This withdrawing from bodily objects must +no doubt be good, seeing that it is recommended by persons who are so +spiritual; but, in my opinion, it ought to be done only when the soul +has made very great progress; for until then it is clear that the +Creator must be sought for through His creatures. All this depends on +the grace which our Lord distributes to every soul. I do not +intermeddle here. What I would say is, that the most Sacred Humanity +of Christ is not to be counted among the objects from which we have to +withdraw. Let this be clearly understood. I wish I knew how to +explain it. [<a href="#l22note9">9</a>]</p> +<p><a name="l22.12">12</a>. When God suspends all the powers of the +soul,--as we see He does in the states of prayer already +described,--it is clear that, whether we wish it or not, this presence +is withdrawn. Be it so, then. The loss is a blessed one, because it +takes place in order that we may have a deeper fruition of what we +seem to have lost; for at that moment the whole soul is occupied in +loving Him whom the understanding has toiled to know; and it loves +what it has not comprehended, and rejoices in what it could not have +rejoiced in so well, if it had not lost itself, in order, as I am +saying, to gain itself the more. But that we should carefully and +laboriously accustom ourselves not to strive with all our might to +have always--and please God it be always!--the most Sacred Humanity +before our eyes,--this, I say, is what seems to me not to be right: it +is making the soul, as they say, to walk in the air; for it has +nothing to rest on, how full soever of God it may think itself +to be.</p> +<p><a name="l22.13">13</a>. It is a great matter for us to have our +Lord before us as Man while we are living and in the flesh. This is +that other inconvenience which I say must be met with. The first--I +have already begun to describe it--is a little failure in humility, in +that the soul desires to rise of itself before our Lord raises it, and +is not satisfied with meditation on so excellent a subject,--seeking +to be Mary before it has laboured with Martha. If our Lord will have +a soul to be Mary, even on the first day, there is nothing to be +afraid of; but we must not be self-invited guests, as I think I said +on another occasion. [<a href="#l22note10">10</a>] This little mote of +want of humility, though in appearance a mere nothing, does a great +deal of harm to those who wish to advance in contemplation.</p> +<p><a name="l22.14">14</a>. I now come back to the second +consideration. We are not angels, for we have a body; to seek to make +ourselves angels while we are on the earth, and so much on the earth +as I was, is an act of folly. In general, our thoughts must have +something to rest on, though the soul may go forth out of itself now +and then, or it may be very often so full of God as to be in need of +no created thing by the help of which it may recollect itself. But +this is not so common a case; for when we have many things to do, when +we are persecuted and in trouble, when we cannot have much rest, and +when we have our seasons of dryness, Christ is our best Friend; for we +regard Him as Man, and behold Him faint and in trouble, and He is our +Companion; and when we shall have accustomed ourselves in this way, it +is very easy to find Him near us, although there will be occasions +from time to time when we can do neither the one nor the other.</p> +<p><a name="l22.15">15</a>. For this end, that is useful which I spoke +of before: [<a href="#l22note11">11</a>] we must not show ourselves as +labouring after spiritual consolations; come what may, to embrace the +cross is the great thing. The Lord of all consolation was Himself +forsaken: they left Him alone in His sorrows. Do not let us forsake +Him; for His hand will help us to rise more than any efforts we can +make; and He will withdraw Himself when He sees it be expedient for +us, and when He pleaseth will also draw the soul forth out of itself, +as I said before. [<a href="#l22note12">12</a>]</p> +<p><a name="l22.16">16</a>. God is greatly pleased when He beholds a +soul in its humility making His Son a Mediator between itself and Him, +and yet loving Him so much as to confess its own unworthiness, even +when He would raise it up to the highest contemplation, and saying +with <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Peter: [<a href="#l22note13">13</a>] "Go +Thou away from me, O Lord, for I am a sinful man." I know this by +experience: it was thus that God directed my soul. Others may walk, +as I said before, [<a href="#l22note14">14</a>] by another and a +shorter road. What I have understood of the matter is this: that the +whole foundation of prayer must be laid in humility, and that the more +a soul humbles itself in prayer, the more God lifts it up. I do not +remember that He ever showed me any of those marvellous mercies, of +which I shall speak hereafter, [<a href="#l22note15">15</a>] at any +other time than when I was as one brought to +nothing, [<a href="#l22note16">16</a>] by seeing how wicked I was. +Moreover, His Majesty contrived to make me understand matters that +helped me to know myself, but which I could never have even imagined +of myself.</p> +<p><a name="l22.17">17</a>. I believe myself that if a soul makes any +efforts of its own to further itself in the way of the prayer of +union, and though it may seem to make immediate progress, it will +quickly fall back, because the foundations were not duly laid. I +fear, too, that such a soul will never attain to true poverty of +spirit, which consists in seeking consolation or sweetness, not in +prayer,--the consolations of the earth are already abandoned,--but +rather in sorrows, for the love of Him who always lived in sorrows +Himself; [<a href="#l22note17">17</a>] and in being calm in the midst +of sorrows and aridities. Though the soul may feel it in some +measure, there is no disquiet, nor any of that pain which some persons +suffer, who, if they are not always labouring with the understanding +and with a sense of devotion, think everything lost,--as if their +efforts merited so great a blessing!</p> +<p><a name="l22.18">18</a>. I am not saying that men should not seek +to be devout, nor that they should not stand with great reverence in +the presence of God, but only that they are not to vex themselves if +they cannot find even one good thought, as I said in another +place; [<a href="#l22note18">18</a>] for we are unprofitable +servants. [<a href="#l22note19">19</a>] What do we think we can do? +Our Lord grant that we understand this, and that we may be those +little asses who drive the windlass I spoke +of: [<a href="#l22note20">20</a>] these, though their eyes are +bandaged, and they do not understand what they are doing, yet draw up +more water than the gardener can draw with all his efforts. We must +walk in liberty on this road, committing ourselves into the hands of +God. If it be His Majesty's good pleasure to raise us and +place us among His chamberlains and secret councillors, we must go +willingly; if not, we must serve Him in the lower offices of His +house, and not sit down on the upper +seats. [<a href="#l22note21">21</a>] As I have sometimes +said, [<a href="#l22note22">22</a>] God is more careful of us than we +are ourselves, and knows what each one of us is fit for.</p> +<p><a name="l22.19">19</a>. What use is there in governing oneself by +oneself, when the whole will has been given up to God? I think this +less endurable now than in the first state of prayer, and it does much +greater harm; for these blessings are supernatural. If a man has a +bad voice, let him force himself ever so much to sing, he will never +improve it; but if God gives him a good voice, he has no need to try +it twice. Let us, then, pray Him always to show His mercy upon us, +with a submissive spirit, yet trusting in the goodness of God. And +now that the soul is permitted to sit at the feet of Christ, let it +contrive not to quit its place, but keep it anyhow. Let it follow the +example of the Magdalene; and when it shall be strong enough, God will +lead it into the wilderness. [<a href="#l22note23">23</a>]</p> +<p><a name="l22.20">20</a>. You, then, my father, must be content with +this until you meet with some one of more experience and better +knowledge than I am. If you see people who are beginning to taste of +God, do not trust them if they think that they advance more, and have +a deeper fruition of God, when they make efforts of their own. Oh, +when God wills it, how He discovers Himself without these little +efforts of ours! We may do what we like, but He throws the spirit +into a trance as easily as a giant takes up a straw; no resistance is +possible. What a thing to believe, that God will wait till the toad +shall fly of itself, when He has already willed it should do so! +Well, it seems to me still more difficult and hard for our spirit to +rise upwards, if God does not raise it, seeing that it is burdened +with earth, and hindered in a thousand ways. Its willingness to rise +is of no service to it; for, though an aptness for flying be more +natural to it than to a toad, yet is it so sunk in the mire as to have +lost it by its own fault.</p> +<p><a name="l22.21">21</a>. I come, then, to this conclusion: whenever +we think of Christ, we should remind ourselves of the love that made +Him bestow so many graces upon us, and also how great that love is +which our Lord God has shown us, in giving us such a pledge of the +love He bears us; for love draws forth love. And though we are only +at the very beginning, and exceedingly wicked, yet let us always +labour to keep this in view, and stir ourselves up to love; for if +once our Lord grants us this grace, of having this love imprinted in +our hearts, everything will be easy, and we shall do great things in a +very short time, and with very little labour. May His Majesty give us +that love,--He knows the great need we have of it,--for the sake of +that love which He bore us, and of His glorious Son, to whom it cost +so much to make it known to us! Amen.</p> +<p><a name="l22.22">22</a>. There is one thing I should like to ask +you, my father. How is it that, when our Lord begins to bestow upon a +soul a grace so great as this of perfect contemplation, it is not, as +it ought to be, perfect at once? Certainly, it seems it should be so; +for he who receives a grace so great ought never more to seek +consolations on earth. How is it, I ask, that a soul which has +ecstasies and so far is more accustomed to receive graces, should yet +seem to bring forth fruits still higher and higher,--and the more so, +the more it is detached,--when our Lord might have sanctified it at +once, the moment He came near it? How is it, I ask again, that the +same Lord brings it to the perfection of virtue only in the course of +time? I should be glad to learn the reason, for I know it not. I do +know, however, that in the beginning, when a trance lasts only the +twinkling of an eye, and is almost imperceptible but for +the effects it produces, the degree of strength which God then gives +is very different from that which He gives when this grace is a trance +of longer duration.</p> +<p><a name="l22.23">23</a>. Very often, when thinking of this, have I +imagined the reason might be, that the soul does not despise itself +all at once, till our Lord instructs it by degrees, and makes it +resolute, and gives it the strength of manhood, so that it may trample +utterly upon everything. He gave this strength to the Magdalene in a +moment. He gives the same grace to others, according to the measure +of their abandonment of themselves into the hands of His Majesty, that +He may do with them as He will. We never thoroughly believe that God +rewards a hundredfold even in +this life. [<a href="#l22note24">24</a>]</p> +<p><a name="l22.24">24</a>. I also thought of this comparison: +supposing grace given to those who are far advanced to be the same +with that given to those who are but beginners, we may then liken it +to a certain food of which many persons partake: they who eat a little +retain the savour of it for a moment, they who eat more are nourished +by it, but those who eat much receive life and strength. Now, the +soul may eat so frequently and so abundantly of this food of life as +to have no pleasure in eating any other food, because it sees how much +good it derives from it. Its taste is now so formed upon it, that it +would rather not live than have to eat any other food; for all food +but this has no other effect than to take away the sweet savour which +this good food leaves behind.</p> +<p><a name="l22.25">25</a>. Further, the conversation of good people +does not profit us in one day as much as it does in many; and we may +converse with them long enough to become like them, by the grace of +God. In short, the whole matter is as His Majesty wills. He gives +His grace to whom He pleases; but much depends on this: he who begins +to receive this grace must make a firm resolution to detach himself +from all things, and esteem this grace according to reason.</p> +<p><a name="l22.26">26</a>. It seems also to me as if His Majesty were +going about to try those who love Him,--now one, now +another,--revealing Himself in supreme joy, so as to quicken our +belief, if it should be dead, in what He will give us, saying, Behold! +this is but a drop of the immense sea of blessings; for He leaves +nothing undone for those He loves; and as He sees them receive it, so +He gives, and He gives Himself. He loves those who love Him. Oh, how +dear He is!--how good a Friend! O my soul's Lord, who can find words +to describe what Thou givest to those who trust in Thee, and what they +lose who come to this state, and yet dwell in themselves! Oh, let not +this be so, O my Lord! for Thou doest more than this when Thou comest +to a lodging so mean as mine. Blessed be Thou for ever and ever!</p> +<p><a name="l22.27">27</a>. I now humbly ask you, my father, if you +mean to discuss what I have written on prayer with spiritual persons, +to see that they are so really; for if they be persons who know only +one way, or who have stood still midway, they will not be able to +understand the matter. There are also some whom God leads at once by +the highest way; these think that others might advance in the same +manner--quiet the understanding, and make bodily objects none of their +means; but these people will remain dry as a stick. Others, also, +there are who, having for a moment attained to the prayer of quiet, +think forthwith that, as they have had the one, so they may have the +other. These instead of advancing, go back, as I said +before. [<a href="#l22note25">25</a>] So, throughout, experience and +discretion are necessary. May our Lord, of His goodness, bestow them +on us!</p> +<hr title="Notes"> +<p><small><a name="l22note1">1</a>. See <cite>Inner Fortress</cite>, +vi. 7, § 4.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l22note2">2</a>. This opinion is supposed to be +justified by the words of <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Thomas, 3 +Sent. dist. 22, qu. 3, art. 1, <i lang="la">ad quintum</i>. <span +lang="la">"Corporalis præsentia Christi in duobus poterat esse +nociva. Primo, quantum ad fidem, quia videntes Eum in forma in qua +erat minor Patre, non ita de facili crederent Eum æqualem Patri, ut +dicit glossa super Joannem. Secundo, quantum ad dilectionem, quia Eum +non solum spiritualiter, sed etiam carnaliter diligeremus, +conversantes cum Ipso corporaliter, et hoc est de +imperfectione dilectionis."</span></small></p> +<p><small><a name="l22note3">3</a>. <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> +John xvi. 7: <span lang="la">"Expedit vobis ut Ego vadam; si enim +non abiero, Paracletus non veniet ad vos."</span></small></p> +<p><small><a name="l22note4">4</a>. This sentence is in the margin of +the original <abbr title="manuscript">MS.</abbr>, not in the text, but +in the handwriting of the Saint (<cite>De +la Fuente</cite>).</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l22note5">5</a>. "I mean by lately . . . and +visions" is in the margin of the <abbr +title="manuscript">MS.</abbr>, but in the handwriting of the Saint +(<cite>De la Fuente</cite>).</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l22note6">6</a>. <a href="#l28.4">Ch. +xxviii. § 4</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l22note7">7</a>. <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> +Matt. iii. 17: <span lang="la">"Hic est Filius Meus dilectus, in +quo Mihi complacui."</span></small></p> +<p><small><a name="l22note8">8</a>. <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> John x. 7, 9: <span lang="la">"Ego +sum ostium."</span></small></p> +<p><small><a name="l22note9">9</a>. See <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> +John of the Cross, <cite>Mount Carmel</cite>, +bk. iii. ch. i. p. 212.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l22note10">10</a>. <a href="#l12.5">Ch. +xii. §§ 5</a>, <a href="#l12.7">7</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l22note11">11</a>. <a href="#l15.21">Ch. +xv. § 21</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l22note12">12</a>. <a href="#l20.2">Ch. +xx. § 2</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l22note13">13</a>. <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> +Luke v. 8: <span lang="la">"Exi a me, quia homo peccator +sum, Domine."</span></small></p> +<p><small><a name="l22note14">14</a>. <a href="#l12.6">Ch. +xii. § 6</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l22note15">15</a>. <a href="#l28.0">Ch. +xxviii</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l22note16">16</a>. Psalm lxxii. 22: <span +lang="la">"Et ego ad nihilum redactus sum, +et nescivi."</span></small></p> +<p><small><a name="l22note17">17</a>. Isaias liii. 3: <span +lang="la">"Virum dolorum, et +scientem infirmitatem."</span></small></p> +<p><small><a name="l22note18">18</a>. <a href="#l11.15">Ch. +xi. § 15</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l22note19">19</a>. <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> +Luke xvii. 10: <span lang="la">"Servi +inutiles sumus."</span></small></p> +<p><small><a name="l22note20">20</a>. <a href="#l11.11">Ch. +xi. § 11</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l22note21">21</a>. <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> +Luke xiv. 8: <span lang="la">"Non discumbas in primo +loco."</span> See <cite>Way of Perfection</cite>, ch. xxvi. § 1; +but ch. xvii. of the old editions.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l22note22">22</a>. <a href="#l11.23">Ch. +xi. § 23</a>, <a href="#l18.6">ch. xviii. +§ 6</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l22note23">23</a>. Os. ii. 14: <span +lang="la">"Ducam eam in solitudinem."</span></small></p> +<p><small><a name="l22note24">24</a>. <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> +Matt. xix. 29: <span lang="la">"Qui reliquerit domum, . . . +centuplum accipiet."</span></small></p> +<p><small><a name="l22note25">25</a>. <a href="#l12.5">Ch. +xii. § 5</a>.</small></p> +<hr title="Text"> +<h3><a name="l23.0">Chapter XXIII.</a></h3> +<p><big>The Saint Resumes the History of Her Life. Aiming at +Perfection. Means Whereby It May Be Gained. Instructions +for Confessors.</big></p> +<p><a name="l23.1">1</a>. I shall now return to that point in my life +where I broke off, [<a href="#l23note1">1</a>] having made, I believe, +a longer digression than I need have made, in order that what is still +to come may be more clearly understood. Henceforth, it is another and +a new book,--I mean, another and a new life. Hitherto, my life was my +own; my life, since I began to explain these methods of prayer, is the +life which God lived in me,--so it seems to me; for I feel it to be +impossible that I should have escaped in so short a time from ways and +works that were so wicked. May our Lord be praised, who has delivered +me from myself!</p> +<p><a name="l23.2">2</a>. When, then, I began to avoid the occasions +of sin, and to give myself more unto prayer, our Lord also began to +bestow His graces upon me, as one who desired, so it seemed, that I +too should be willing to receive them. His Majesty began to give me +most frequently the grace of the prayer of quiet, and very often that +of union, which lasted some time. But as, in these days, women have +fallen into great delusions and deceits of +Satan, [<a href="#l23note2">2</a>] I began to be afraid, because the +joy and sweetness which I felt were so great, and very often beyond my +power to avoid. On the other hand, I felt in myself a very deep +conviction that God was with me, especially when I was in prayer. I +saw, too, that I grew better and stronger thereby.</p> +<p><a name="l23.3">3</a>. But if I was a little distracted, I began to +be afraid, and to imagine that perhaps it was Satan that suspended my +understanding, making me think it to be good, in order to withdraw me +from mental prayer, hinder my meditation on the Passion, and debar me +the use of my understanding: this seemed to me, who did not comprehend +the matter, to be a grievous loss but, as His Majesty was pleased to +give me light to offend Him no more, and to understand how much I owed +Him, this fear so grew upon me, that it made me seek diligently for +spiritual persons with whom I might treat of my state. I had already +heard of some; for the Fathers of the Society of Jesus had come +hither; [<a href="#l23note3">3</a>] and I, though I knew none of them, +was greatly attracted by them, merely because I had heard of their way +of life and of prayer; but I did not think myself fit to speak to +them, or strong enough to obey them; and this made me still more +afraid; for to converse with them, and remain what I was, seemed to me +somewhat rude.</p> +<p><a name="l23.4">4</a>. I spent some time in this state, till, after +much inward contention and fear, I determined to confer with some +spiritual person, to ask him to tell me what that method of prayer was +which I was using, and to show me whether I was in error. I was also +resolved to do everything I could not to offend God; for the want of +courage of which I was conscious, as I said +before, [<a href="#l23note4">4</a>] made me so timid. Was there ever +delusion so great as mine, O my God, when I withdrew from good in +order to become good! The devil must lay much stress on this in the +beginning of a course of virtue; for I could not overcome my +repugnance. He knows that the whole relief of the soul consists in +conferring with the friends of God. Hence it was that no time was +fixed in which I should resolve to do this. I waited to grow better +first, as I did before when I ceased to +pray, [<a href="#l23note5">5</a>]--and perhaps I never should have +become better; for I had now sunk so deeply into the petty ways of an +evil habit,--I could not convince myself that they were wrong,--that I +needed the help of others, who should hold out a hand to raise me up. +Blessed be Thou, O Lord!--for the first hand outstretched to me +was Thine.</p> +<p><a name="l23.5">5</a>. When I saw that my fear was going so far, it +struck me--because I was making progress in prayer--that this must be +a great blessing, or a very great evil; for I understood perfectly +that what had happened was something supernatural, because at times I +was unable to withstand it; to have it when I would was also +impossible. I thought to myself that there was no help for it, but in +keeping my conscience pure, avoiding every occasion even of venial +sins; for if it was the work of the Spirit of God, the gain was clear; +and if the work of Satan, so long as I strove to please, and did not +offend, our Lord, Satan could do me little harm; on the contrary, he +must lose in the struggle. Determined on this course, and always +praying God to help me, striving also after purity of conscience for +some days, I saw that my soul had not strength to go forth alone to a +perfection so great. I had certain attachments to trifles, which, +though not very wrong in themselves, were yet enough to ruin all.</p> +<p><a name="l23.6">6</a>. I was told of a learned +ecclesiastic, [<a href="#l23note6">6</a>] dwelling in this city, whose +goodness and pious life our Lord was beginning to make known to the +world. I contrived to make his acquaintance through a saintly +nobleman [<a href="#l23note7">7</a>] living in the same place. This +latter is a married man; but his life is so edifying and virtuous, so +given to prayer, and so full of charity, that the goodness and +perfection of it shine forth in all he does: and most justly so; for +many souls have been greatly blessed through him, because of his great +gifts, which, though his condition of a layman be a hindrance to him, +never lie idle. He is a man of great sense, and very gentle with all +people; his conversation is never wearisome, but so sweet and +gracious, as well as upright and holy, that he pleases everybody very +much with whom he has any relations. He directs it all to the great +good of those souls with whom he converses and he seems to have no +other end in view but to do all he may be permitted to do for all men, +and make them content.</p> +<p><a name="l23.7">7</a>. This blessed and holy man, then, seems to +me, by the pains he took, to have been the beginning of salvation to +my soul. His humility in his relations with me makes me wonder; for +he had spent, I believe, nearly forty years in prayer,--it may be two +or three years less,--and all his life was ordered with that +perfection which his state admitted. His wife is so great a servant +of God, and so full of charity, that nothing is lost to him on her +account, [<a href="#l23note8">8</a>]--in short, she was the chosen wife +of one who God knew would serve Him so well. Some of their kindred +are married to some of mine. Besides, I had also much communication +with another great servant of God, married to one of my +first cousins.</p> +<p><a name="l23.8">8</a>. It was thus I contrived that the +ecclesiastic I speak of, who was so great a servant of God, and his +great friend, should come to speak to me, intending to confess to him, +and to take him for my director. When he had brought him to speak to +me, I, in the greatest confusion at finding myself in the presence of +so holy a man, revealed to him the state of my soul, and my way of +prayer. He would not be my confessor; he said that he was very much +occupied: and so, indeed, he was. He began with a holy resolution to +direct me as if I was strong,--I ought to have been strong, according +to the method of prayer which he saw I used,--so that I should in +nothing offend God. When I saw that he was resolved to make me break +off at once with the petty ways I spoke of +before, [<a href="#l23note9">9</a>] and that I had not the courage to +go forth at once in the perfection he required of me, I was +distressed; and when I perceived that he ordered the affairs of my +soul as if I ought to be perfect at once, I saw that much more care +was necessary in my case. In a word, I felt that the means he would +have employed were not those by which my soul could be helped onwards; +for they were fitted for a soul more perfect than mine; and though the +graces I had received from God were very many, I was still at the very +beginning in the matter of virtue and of mortification.</p> +<p><a name="l23.9">9</a>. I believe certainly, if I had only had this +ecclesiastic to confer with, that my soul would have made no progress; +for the pain it gave me to see that I was not doing--and, as I +thought, could not do--what he told me, was enough to destroy all +hope, and make me abandon the matter altogether. I wonder at times +how it was that he, being one who had a particular grace for the +direction of beginners in the way of God, was not permitted to +understand my case, or to undertake the care of my soul. I see it was +all for my greater good, in order that I might know and converse with +persons so holy as the members of the Society of Jesus.</p> +<p><a name="l23.10">10</a>. After this, I arranged with that saintly +nobleman that he should come and see me now and then. It shows how +deep his humility was; for he consented to converse with a person so +wicked as I was. He began his visits, he encouraged me, and told me +that I ought not to suppose I could give up everything in one day; God +would bring it about by degrees: he himself had for some years been +unable to free himself from some very slight imperfections. O +humility! what great blessings thou bringest to those in whom thou +dwellest, and to them who draw near to those who possess thee! This +holy man--for I think I may justly call him so--told me of weaknesses +of his own, in order to help me. He, in his humility, thought them +weaknesses; but, if we consider his state, they were neither faults +nor imperfections; yet, in my state, it was a very great fault to be +subject to them.</p> +<p><a name="l23.11">11</a>. I am not saying this without a meaning, +though I seem to be enlarging on trifles; but these trifles contribute +so much towards the beginning of the soul's progress and its flight +upwards, though it has no wings, as they say; and yet no one will +believe it who has not had experience of it; but, as I hope in God +that your reverence will help many a soul, I speak of it here. My +whole salvation depended on his knowing how to treat me, on his +humility, on the charity with which he conversed with me, and on his +patient endurance of me when he saw that I did not mend my ways at +once. He went on discreetly, by degrees showing me how to overcome +Satan. My affection for him so grew upon me, that I never was more at +ease than on the day I used to see him. I saw him, however, very +rarely. When he was long in coming, I used to be very much +distressed, thinking that he would not see me because I was +so wicked.</p> +<p><a name="l23.12">12</a>. When he found out my great imperfections, +they might well have been sins, though since I conversed with him I am +somewhat improved,--and when I recounted to him, in order to obtain +light from him, the great graces which God had bestowed upon me, he +told me that these things were inconsistent one with another; that +these consolations were given to people who had made great progress, +and led mortified lives; that he could not help being very much +afraid--he thought that the evil spirit might have something to do in +my case; he would not decide that question, however, but he would have +me carefully consider my whole method of prayer, and then tell him of +it. That was the difficulty: I did not understand it myself, and so I +could tell him nothing of my prayer; for the grace to understand +it--and, understanding it, to describe it--has only lately been given +me of God. This saying of his, together with the fear I was in, +distressed me exceedingly, and I cried; for certainly I was anxious to +please God, and I could not persuade myself that Satan had anything to +do with it. But I was afraid, on account of my great sins, that God +might leave me blind, so that I should understand nothing.</p> +<p><a name="l23.13">13</a>. Looking into books to see if I could find +anything there by which I might recognise the prayer I practised, I +found in one of them, called the <cite>Ascent of the +Mount</cite>, [<a href="#l23note10">10</a>] and in that part of it +which relates to the union of the soul with God, all those marks which +I had in myself, in that I could not think of anything. This is what +I most dwelt on--that I could think of nothing when I was in prayer. +I marked that passage, and gave him the book, that he, and the +ecclesiastic mentioned before, [<a href="#l23note11">11</a>] saint and +servant of God, might consider it, and tell me what I should do. If +they thought it right, I would give up that method of prayer +altogether; for why should I expose myself to danger, when, at the end +of nearly twenty years, during which I had used it, I had gained +nothing, but had fallen into a delusion of the devil? It was better +for me to give it up. And yet this seemed to me hard; for I had +already discovered what my soul would become without prayer. +Everything seemed full of trouble. I was like a person in the middle +of a river, who, in whatever direction he may turn, fears a still +greater danger, and is well-nigh drowned. This is a very great trial, +and I have gone through many like it, as I shall show +hereafter; [<a href="#l23note12">12</a>] and though it does not seem +to be of any importance, it will perhaps be advantageous to understand +how the spirit is to be tried.</p> +<p><a name="l23.14">14</a>. And certainly the affliction to be borne +is great, and caution is necessary, particularly in the case of +women,--for our weakness is great,--and much evil may be the result of +telling them very distinctly that the devil is busy with them; yea, +rather, the matter should be very carefully considered, and they +should be removed out of reach of the dangers that may arise. They +should be advised to keep things secret; and it is necessary, also, +that their secret should be kept. I am speaking of this as one to +whom it has been a sore trouble; for some of those with whom I spoke +of my prayer did not keep my secret, but, making inquiries one of +another, for a good purpose, did me much harm; for they made things +known which might well have remained secret, because not intended for +every one and it seemed as if I had made them +public myself. [<a href="#l23note13">13</a>]</p> +<p><a name="l23.15">15</a>. I believe that our Lord +permitted [<a href="#l23note14">14</a>] this to be done without sin on +their part, in order that I might suffer. I do not say that they +revealed anything I discussed with them in confession; still, as they +were persons to whom, in my fears, I gave a full account of myself, in +order that they might give me light, I thought they ought to have been +silent. Nevertheless, I never dared to conceal anything from such +persons. My meaning, then, is, that women should be directed with +much discretion; their directors should encourage them, and bide the +time when our Lord will help them, as He has helped me. If He had +not, the greatest harm would have befallen me, for I was in great fear +and dread; and as I suffered from disease of the +heart, [<a href="#l23note15">15</a>] I am astonished that all this did +not do me a great deal of harm.</p> <p><a name="l23.16">16</a>. Then, +when I had given him the book, and told the story of my life and of my +sins, the best way I could in general,--for I was not in confession, +because he was a layman; yet I gave him clearly to understand how +wicked I was,--those two servants of God, with great charity and +affection, considered what was best for me. When they had made up +their minds what to say,--I was waiting for it in great dread, having +begged many persons to pray to God for me, and I too had prayed much +during those days,--the nobleman came to me in great distress, and +said that, in the opinion of both, I was deluded by an evil spirit; +that the best thing for me to do was to apply to a certain father of +the Society of Jesus, who would come to me if I sent for him, saying I +had need of him; that I ought, in a general confession, to give him an +account of my whole life, and of the state I was in,--and all with +great clearness: God would, in virtue of the Sacrament of Confession, +give him more light concerning me; for those fathers were very +experienced men in matters of spirituality. Further, I was not to +swerve in a single point from the counsels of that father; for I was +in great danger, if I had no one to direct me.</p> +<p><a name="l23.17">17</a>. This answer so alarmed and distressed me, +that I knew not what to do--I did nothing but cry. Being in an +oratory in great affliction, not knowing what would become of me, I +read in a book--it seemed as if our Lord had put it into my +hands--that <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Paul said, God is +faithful; [<a href="#l23note16">16</a>] that He will never permit Satan +to deceive those who love Him. This gave me great consolation. I +began to prepare for my general confession, and to write out all the +evil and all the good: a history of my life, as clearly as I +understood it, and knew how to make it, omitting nothing whatever. I +remember, when I saw I had written so much evil, and scarcely anything +that was good, that I was exceedingly distressed and sorrowful. It +pained me, also, that the nuns of the community should see me +converse with such holy persons as those of the Society of Jesus; for +I was afraid of my own wickedness, and I thought I should be obliged +to cease from it, and give up my amusements; and that if I did not do +so, I should grow worse: so I persuaded the sacristan and the portress +to tell no one of it. This was of little use, after all; for when I +was called down there was one at the door, as it happened, who told it +to the whole convent. But what difficulties and what terrors Satan +troubles them with who would draw near unto God!</p> +<p><a name="l23.18">18</a>. I communicated the whole state of my soul +to that servant of God [<a href="#l23note17">17</a>] and he was a great +servant of His, and very prudent. He understood all I told him, +explained it to me, and encouraged me greatly. He said that all was +very evidently the work of the Spirit of God; only it was necessary +for me to go back again to my prayer, because I was not well grounded, +and had not begun to understand what mortification meant,--that was +true, for I do not think I knew it even by name,--that I was by no +means to give up prayer; on the contrary, I was to do violence to +myself in order to practise it, because God had bestowed on me such +special graces as made it impossible to say whether it was, or was +not, the will of our Lord to do good to many through me. He went +further, for he seems to have prophesied of that which our Lord +afterwards did with me, and said that I should be very much to blame +if I did not correspond with the graces which God bestowed upon me. +It seems to me that the Holy Ghost was speaking by his mouth in order +to heal my soul, so deep was the impression he made. He made me very +much ashamed of myself, and directed me by a way which seemed to +change me altogether. What a grand thing it is to understand a soul! +He told me to make my prayer every day on some mystery of +the Passion, and that I should profit by it, and to fix my thoughts on +the Sacred Humanity only, resisting to the utmost of my power those +recollections and delights, to which I was not to yield in any way +till he gave me further directions in the matter.</p> +<p><a name="l23.19">19</a>. He left me consoled and fortified: our +Lord came to my succour and to his, so that he might understand the +state I was in, and how he was to direct me. I made a firm resolution +not to swerve from anything he might command me, and to this day I +have kept it. Our Lord be praised, who has given me grace to be +obedient to my confessors, [<a href="#l23note18">18</a>] however +imperfectly!--and they have almost always been those blessed men of +the Society of Jesus; though, as I said, I have but imperfectly obeyed +them. My soul began to improve visibly, as I am now going to say.</p> +<hr title="Notes"> +<p><small><a name="l23note1">1</a>. At the end of <a +href="#l9.11">ch. ix</a>. The thirteen chapters interposed +between that and this--the twenty-third--are a treatise on +mystical theology.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l23note2">2</a>. She refers to Magdalene of the +Cross (<cite lang="es">Reforma de los Descalços</cite>, vol. i. lib. +i. c. xix. § 2).</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l23note3">3</a>. The college of the Society at +Avila was founded in 1555; but some of the Fathers had come thither in +1553 (<cite>De la Fuente</cite>).</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l23note4">4</a>. <a href="#l7.37">Ch. +vii. § 37</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l23note5">5</a>. <a href="#l19.7">Ch. +xix. §§ 7, 8</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l23note6">6</a>. Gaspar Daza had formed a society +of priests in Avila, and was a very laborious and holy man. It was he +who said the first Mass in the monastery of <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Joseph, founded by 5t. Teresa, whom he +survived, dying Nov. 24, 1592. He committed the direction of his +priests to F. Baltasar Alvarez (<cite>Bouix</cite>). Juan of Avila +acted much in the same way when the Jesuits settled in Avila (<cite>De +la Fuente</cite>).</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l23note7">7</a>. Don Francisco de Salcedo. After +the death of his wife, he became a priest, and was chaplain and +confessor of the Carmelite nuns of <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Joseph. For twenty years of his married life +he attended regularly the theological lectures of the Dominicans, in +the house of <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Thomas. His death took +place Sept. 12, 1580, when he had been a priest for ten years +(<cite><abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Teresa's Letters</cite>, vol. +iv. letter 43, note 13: letter 368, ed. of De la Fuente).</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l23note8">8</a>. Doña Mencia del Aguila (<cite>De +la Fuente</cite>, in a note on letter 10, vol. ii. p. 9, where he +corrects himself,--having previously called her Mencia +de Avila).</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l23note9">9</a>. <a +href="#l23.4">§ 4</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l23note10">10</a>. <cite lang="es">Subida del Monte +Sion</cite>, by a Franciscan friar, Bernardino de Laredo (<cite +lang="es">Reforma</cite>, vol. i. lib. i. c. xix. § 7).</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l23note11">11</a>. <a +href="#l23.6">§ 6</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l23note12">12</a>. See <a +href="#l25.18">ch. xxv. § 18</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l23note13">13</a>. See <a +href="#l28.18">ch. xxviii. § 18</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l23note14">14</a>. See <a +href="#r7.17"><cite>Relation</cite>, vii. +§ 17</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l23note15">15</a>. See <a +href="#l4.6">ch. iv. § 6</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l23note16">16</a>. 1 Cor. x. 13: <span +lang="la">"Fidelis autem Deus est, qui non patietur vos tentari +supra id quod potestis."</span></small></p> +<p><small><a name="l23note17">17</a>. <abbr title="Father">F.</abbr> +Juan de Padranos, whom <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Francis de Borja +had sent in 1555, with <abbr title="Father">F.</abbr> Fernando Alvarez +del Aguila, to found the house of the Society in Avila (<cite>De la +Fuente</cite>). Ribera, i. 5, says he heard that <abbr +title="Father">F.</abbr> Juan de Padranos gave in part the Exercises +of <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Ignatius to the Saint.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l23note18">18</a>. See <a +href="#r1.9"><cite>Relation</cite>, i. § 9</a>.</small></p> +<hr title="Text"> +<h3><a name="l24.0">Chapter XXIV.</a></h3> +<p><big>Progress Under Obedience. Her Inability to Resist the Graces +of God. God Multiplies His Graces.</big></p> +<p><a name="l24.1">1</a>. After this my confession, my soul was so +docile that, as it seems to me, there was nothing in the world I was +not prepared to undertake. I began at once to make a change in many +things, though my confessor never pressed me--on the contrary, he +seemed to make light of it all. I was the more influenced by this, +because he led me on by the way of the love of God; he left me free, +and did not press me, unless I did so myself, out of love. I +continued thus nearly two months, doing all I could to resist the +sweetness and graces that God sent. As to my outward life, the change +was visible; for our Lord gave me courage to go through with certain +things, of which those who knew me--and even those in the +community--said that they seemed to them extreme; and, indeed, +compared with what I had been accustomed to do, they were extreme: +people, therefore, had reason to say so. Yet, in those things which +were of obligation, considering the habit I wore, and the profession I +had made, I was still deficient. By resisting the sweetness and joys +which God sent me, I gained this, that His Majesty taught me Himself; +for, previously, I used to think that, in order to obtain sweetness in +prayer, it was necessary for me to hide myself in secret places, and +so I scarcely dared to stir. Afterwards, I saw how little that was to +the purpose; for the more I tried to distract myself, the more our +Lord poured over me that sweetness and joy which seemed to me to be +flowing around me, so that I could not in any way escape from it: and +so it was. I was so careful about this resistance, that it was a pain +to me. But our Lord was more careful to show His mercies, and during +those two months to reveal Himself more than before, so that I might +the better comprehend that it was no longer in my power to +resist Him.</p> +<p><a name="l24.2">2</a>. I began with a renewed love of the most +Sacred Humanity; my prayer began to be solid, like a house, the +foundations of which are strong; and I was inclined to practise +greater penance, having been negligent in this matter hitherto because +of my great infirmities. The holy man who heard my confession told me +that certain penances would not hurt me, and that God perhaps sent me +so much sickness because I did no penance; His Majesty would therefore +impose it Himself. He ordered me to practise certain acts of +mortification not very pleasant for me. [<a href="#l24note1">1</a>] I +did so, because I felt that our Lord was enjoining it all, and giving +him grace to command me in such a way as to make me obedient +unto him.</p> +<p><a name="l24.3">3</a>. My soul was now sensitive to every offence I +committed against God, however slight it might be; so much so, that if +I had any superfluity about me, I could not recollect myself in prayer +till I had got rid of it. I prayed earnestly that our Lord would hold +me by the hand, and not suffer me to fall again, now that I was under +the direction of His servants. I thought that would be a great evil, +and that they would lose their credit through me.</p> +<p><a name="l24.4">4</a>. At this time, Father Francis, who was Duke +of Gandia, [<a href="#l24note2">2</a>] came here; he had left all he +possessed some years before, and had entered the Society of Jesus. My +confessor, and the nobleman of whom I spoke +before, [<a href="#l24note3">3</a>] contrived that he should visit me, +in order that I might speak to him, and give him an account of my way +of prayer; for they knew him to be greatly favoured and comforted of +God: he had given up much, and was rewarded for it even in this life. +When he had heard me, he said to me that it was the work of the Spirit +of God, [<a href="#l24note4">4</a>] and that he thought it was not +right now to prolong that resistance; that hitherto it had been safe +enough,--only, I should always begin my prayer by meditating on some +part of the Passion and that if our Lord should then raise up my +spirit, I should make no resistance, but suffer His Majesty to raise +it upwards, I myself not seeking it. He gave both medicine and +advice, as one who had made great progress himself; for experience is +very important in these matters. He said that further resistance +would be a mistake. I was exceedingly consoled; so, too, was the +nobleman, who rejoiced greatly when he was told that it was the work +of God. He always helped me and gave me advice according to his +power,--and that power was great.</p> +<p><a name="l24.5">5</a>. At this time, they changed my confessor's +residence. I felt it very much, for I thought I should go back to my +wickedness, and that it was not possible to find another such as he. +My soul was, as it were, in a desert, most sorrowful and afraid. I +knew not what to do with myself. One of my kinswomen contrived to get +me into her house, and I contrived at once to find another +confessor, [<a href="#l24note5">5</a>] in the Society of Jesus. It +pleased our Lord that I should commence a friendship with a noble +lady, [<a href="#l24note6">6</a>] a widow, much given to prayer, who +had much to do with the fathers. She made her own +confessor [<a href="#l24note7">7</a>] hear me, and I remained in her +house some days. She lived near, and I delighted in the many +conferences I had with the fathers; for merely by observing the +holiness of their way of life, I felt that my soul +profited exceedingly.</p> +<p><a name="l24.6">6</a>. This father began by putting me in the way +of greater perfection. He used to say to me, that I ought to leave +nothing undone that I might be wholly pleasing unto God. He was, +however, very prudent and very gentle at the same time; for my soul +was not at all strong, but rather very weak, especially as to giving +up certain friendships, though I did not offend God by them: there was +much natural affection in them, and I thought it would be an act of +ingratitude if I broke them off. And so, as I did not offend God, I +asked him if I must be ungrateful. He told me to lay the matter +before God for a few days, and recite the hymn, <span +lang="la">"Veni, Creator,"</span> that God might enlighten me +as to the better course. One day, having prayed for some time, and +implored our Lord to help me to please Him in all things, I began the +hymn; and as I was saying it, I fell into a trance--so suddenly, that +I was, as it were, carried out of myself. I could have no doubt about +it, for it was most plain.</p> +<p><a name="l24.7">7</a>. This was the first time that our Lord +bestowed on me the grace of ecstasy. I heard these words: "I will +not have thee converse with men, but with angels." This made me +wonder very much; for the commotion of my spirit was great, and these +words were uttered in the very depth of my soul. They made me +afraid,--though, on the other hand, they gave me great comfort, which, +when I had lost the fear,--caused, I believe, by the strangeness of +the visitation,--remained with me.</p> +<p><a name="l24.8">8</a>. Those words have been fulfilled; for I have +never been able to form friendship with, nor have any comfort in, nor +any particular love for, any persons whatever except those who, as I +believe, love God, and who strive to serve Him. It has not been in my +power to do it. It is nothing to me that they are my kindred, or my +friends, if I do not know them to be lovers of God, or persons given +to prayer. It is to me a painful cross to converse with any one. +This is the truth, so far as I can judge. [<a href="#l24note8">8</a>] +From that day forth, I have had courage so great as to leave all +things for God, who in one moment--and it seems to me but a +moment--was pleased to change His servant into another person. +Accordingly, there was no necessity for laying further commands upon +me in this matter. When my confessor saw how much I clung to these +friendships, he did not venture to bid me distinctly to give them up. +He must have waited till our Lord did the work--as He did Himself. +Nor did I think myself that I could succeed; for I had tried before, +and the pain it gave me was so great that I abandoned the attempt, on +the ground that there was nothing unseemly in those attachments. Now +our Lord set me at liberty, and gave me strength also to use it.</p> +<p><a name="l24.9">9</a>. So I told my confessor of it, and gave up +everything, according to his advice. It did a great deal of good to +those with whom I used to converse, to see my determination. God be +blessed for ever! Who in one moment set me free, while I had been for +many years making many efforts, and had never succeeded, very often +also doing such violence to myself as injured my health; but, as it +was done by Him Who is almighty, and the true Lord of all, it gave me +no pain whatever.</p> +<hr title="Notes"> +<p><small><a name="l24note1">1</a>. The Saint now treated her body +with extreme severity, disciplining herself even unto blood +(<cite lang="es">Reforma</cite>, vol. i. lib. i. c. xx. +§ 4).</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l24note2">2</a>. <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> +Francis de Borja came to Avila, where <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Teresa lived, in 1557 (<cite>De la +Fuente</cite>). This passage must have been written after the +foundation of <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Joseph, for it was not in +the first Life, as the Saint says, <a href="#l10.11">ch. x. +§ 11</a>, that he kept secret the names of herself and +all others.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l24note3">3</a>. <a href="#l23.6">Ch. +xxiii. § 6</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l24note4">4</a>. See <a +href="#r8.6"><cite>Relation</cite>, viii. +§ 6</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l24note5">5</a>. Who he was is not certainly known. +The Bollandists decline to give an opinion: but <abbr +title="Father">F.</abbr> Bouix thinks it was <abbr +title="Father">F.</abbr> Ferdinand Alvarez, who became her confessor +on the removal of <abbr title="Father">F.</abbr> Juan de Padranos, and +that it was to him she confessed till she placed herself under the +direction of F. Baltasar Alvarez, the confessor of Doña Guiomar, as it +is stated in the next paragraph,--unless the confessor there mentioned +was <abbr title="Father">F.</abbr> Ferdinand.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l24note6">6</a>. Doña Guiomar de Ulloa. See below, +<a href="#l33.13">ch. xxxii. § 13</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l24note7">7</a>. If this confessor was F. Baltasar +Alvarez, the Saint, <abbr title="Father">F.</abbr> Bouix observes, +passes rapidly over the history of the year 1557, and the greater +part, perhaps, of 1558; for <abbr>F.</abbr> Baltasar was ordained +priest only in the latter year.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l24note8">8</a>. See <a +href="#r1.6"><cite>Relation</cite>, i. § 6</a>.</small></p> +<hr title="Text"> +<h3><a name="l25.0">Chapter XXV.</a></h3> +<p><big>Divine Locutions. Discussions on That Subject.</big></p> +<p><a name="l25.1">1</a>. It will be as well, I think, to explain +these locutions of God, and to describe what the soul feels when it +receives them, in order that you, my father, may understand the +matter; for ever since that time of which I am speaking, when our Lord +granted me that grace, it has been an ordinary occurrence until now, +as will appear by what I have yet +to say. [<a href="#l25note1">1</a>]</p> +<p><a name="l25.2">2</a>. The words are very distinctly formed; but by +the bodily ear they are not heard. They are, however, much more +clearly understood than they would be if they were heard by the ear. +It is impossible not to understand them, whatever resistance we +may offer. When we wish not to hear anything in this world, we can +stop our ears, or give attention to something else: so that, even if +we do hear, at least we can refuse to understand. In this locution of +God addressed to the soul there is no escape, for in spite of +ourselves we must listen; and the understanding must apply itself so +thoroughly to the comprehension of that which God wills we should +hear, that it is nothing to the purpose whether we will it or not; for +it is His will, Who can do all things. We should understand that His +will must be done; and He reveals Himself as our true Lord, having +dominion over us. I know this by much experience; for my resistance +lasted nearly two years, [<a href="#l25note2">2</a>] because of the +great fear I was in: and even now I resist occasionally; but it is of +no use.</p> +<p><a name="l25.3">3</a>. I should like to explain the delusions which +may happen here, though he who has had much experience will run little +or no risk, I think; but the experience must be great. I should like +to explain also how those locutions which come from the Good Spirit +differ from those which come from an evil spirit; and, further, how +they may be but an apprehension of the understanding,--for that is +possible,--or even words which the mind addressed to itself. I do not +know if it be so but even this very day I thought it possible. I know +by experience in many ways, when these locutions come from God. I +have been told things two or three years beforehand, which have all +come to pass; and in none of them have I been hitherto deceived. +There are also other things in which the Spirit of God may be clearly +traced, as I shall relate by and by. [<a href="#l25note3">3</a>]</p> +<p><a name="l25.4">4</a>. It seems to me that a person commending a +matter to God with great love and earnestness may think that he hears +in some way or other whether his prayer will be granted or not, and +this is quite possible; but he who has heard the divine locution will +see clearly enough what this is, because there is a great difference +between the two. If it be anything which the understanding has +fashioned, however cunningly it may have done so, he sees that it is +the understanding which has arranged that locution, and that it is +speaking of itself. This is nothing else but a word uttered by one, +and listened to by another: in that case, the understanding will see +that it has not been listening only, but also forming the words; and +the words it forms are something indistinct, fantastic, and not clear +like the divine locutions. It is in our power to turn away our +attention from these locutions of our own, just as we can be silent +when we are speaking; but, with respect to the former, that cannot +be done.</p> +<p><a name="l25.5">5</a>. There is another test more decisive still. +The words formed by the understanding effect nothing; but, when our +Lord speaks, it is at once word and work; and though the words may not +be meant to stir up our devotion, but are rather words of reproof, +they dispose a soul at once, strengthen it, make it tender, give it +light, console and calm it; and if it should be in dryness, or in +trouble and uneasiness, all is removed, as if by the action of a hand, +and even better; for it seems as if our Lord would have the soul +understand that He is all-powerful, and that His words are deeds.</p> +<p><a name="l25.6">6</a>. It seems to me that there is as much +difference between these two locutions as there is between speaking +and listening, neither more nor less; for when I speak, as I have just +said, [<a href="#l25note4">4</a>] I go on with my understanding +arranging what I am saying; but if I am spoken to by others, I do +nothing else but listen, without any labour. The human locution is as +something which we cannot well make out, as if we were half asleep; +but the divine locution is a voice so clear that not a syllable of its +utterance is lost. It may occur, too, when the understanding and the +soul are so troubled and distracted that they cannot form one sentence +correctly; and yet grand sentences, perfectly arranged, such as the +soul in its most recollected state never could have formed, are +uttered, and at the first word, as I said, [<a href="#l25note5">5</a>] +change it utterly. Still less could it have formed them if they are +uttered in an ecstasy, when the faculties of the soul are suspended; +for how should the soul then comprehend anything, when it remembers +nothing?--yea, rather, how can it remember them then, when the memory +can hardly do anything at all, and the imagination is, as it +were, suspended?</p> +<p><a name="l25.7">7</a>. But it is to be observed, that if we see +visions and hear words it never is as at the time when the soul is in +union in the very rapture itself,--so it seems to me. At that moment, +as I have shown,--I think it was when I was speaking of the second +water, [<a href="#l25note6">6</a>]--all the faculties of the soul are +suspended; and, as I think, neither vision, nor understanding, nor +hearing, is possible at that time. The soul is then wholly in the +power of another; and in that instant--a very brief one, in my +opinion--our Lord leaves it free for nothing whatever; but when this +instant is passed, the soul continuing still entranced, then is the +time of which I am speaking; for the faculties, though not completely +suspended, are so disposed that they are scarcely active, being, as it +were, absorbed, and incapable of making any reflections.</p> +<p><a name="l25.8">8</a>. There are so many ways of ascertaining the +nature of these locutions, that if a person be once deceived, he will +not be deceived often. I mean, that a soul accustomed to them, and on +its guard, will most clearly see what they are; for, setting other +considerations aside which prove what I have said, the human locution +produces no effect, neither does the soul accept it,--though it must +admit the other, whether we like it or not,--nor does it believe it; +on the contrary, it is known to be a delusion of the understanding, +and is therefore put away as we would put away the ravings of +a lunatic.</p> +<p><a name="l25.9">9</a>. But as to the divine locution, we listen to +that as we do to a person of great holiness, learning, or authority, +whom we know to be incapable of uttering a falsehood. And yet this is +an inadequate illustration; for these locutions proceed occasionally +in such great majesty that, without our recollecting who it is that +utters them, they make us tremble if they be words of reproof, and die +of love if words of love. They are also, as I have +said, [<a href="#l25note7">7</a>] matters of which the memory has not +the least recollection; and expressions so full are uttered so +rapidly, that much time must have been spent in arranging them, if we +formed them ourselves; and so it seems to me that we cannot possibly +be ignorant at the time that we have never formed them ourselves +at all.</p> +<p><a name="l25.10">10</a>. There is no reason, therefore, why I +should dwell longer on this matter. It is a wonder to me that any +experienced person, unless he deliberately chooses to do so, can fall +into delusions. It has often happened to me, when I had doubts, to +distrust what I had heard, and to think that it was all +imagination,--but this I did afterwards: for at the moment that is +impossible,--and at a later time to see the whole fulfilled; for our +Lord makes the words dwell in the memory so that they cannot be +forgotten. Now, that which comes forth from our understanding is, as +it were, the first movement of thought, which passes away and is +forgotten; but the divine locution is a work done; and though some of +it may be forgotten, and time have lapsed, yet is not so wholly +forgotten that the memory loses all traces of what was once +spoken,--unless, indeed, after very long time, or unless the locution +were words of grace or of instruction. But as to prophetic words, +they are never forgotten, in my opinion; at least, I have never +forgotten any,--and yet my memory is weak.</p> +<p><a name="l25.11">11</a>. I repeat it, unless a soul be so wicked as +to pretend that it has these locutions, which would be a great sin, +and say that it hears divine words when it hears nothing of the kind, +it cannot possibly fail to see clearly that itself arranges the words, +and utters them to itself. That seems to me altogether impossible for +any soul that has ever known the Spirit of God. If it has not, it may +continue all its life long in this delusion, and imagine that it hears +and understands, though I know not how that can be. A soul desires to +hear these locutions, or it does not; if it does not, it is distressed +because it hears them, and is unwilling to listen to them, because of +a thousand fears which they occasion, and for many other reasons it +has for being quiet in prayer without these interruptions. How is it +that the understanding has time enough to arrange these locutions? +They require time.</p> +<p><a name="l25.12">12</a>. But, on the other side, the divine +locutions instruct us without loss of time, and we understand matters +which seem to require a month on our part to arrange. The +understanding itself, and the soul, stand amazed at some of the things +we understand. So it is; and he who has any experience of it will see +that what I am saying is literally true. I give God thanks that I +have been able thus to explain it. I end by saying that, in my +opinion, we may hear the locutions that proceed from the understanding +whenever we like, and think that we hear them whenever we pray. But +it is not so with the divine locutions: for many days I may desire to +hear them, and I cannot; and at other times, even when I would not, as +I said before, [<a href="#l25note8">8</a>] hear them, I must. It seems +to me that any one disposed to deceive people by saying that he heard +from God that which he has invented himself, might as easily say that +he heard it with his bodily ears. It is most certainly true that I +never imagined there was any other way of hearing or understanding +till I had proof of it in myself; and so, as I have said +before, [<a href="#l25note9">9</a>] it gave me trouble enough.</p> +<p><a name="l25.13">13</a>. Locutions that come from Satan not only do +not leave any good effects behind, but do leave evil effects. This +has happened to me; but not more than two or three times. Our Lord +warned me at once that they came from Satan. Over and above the great +aridity which remains in the soul after these evil locutions, there is +also a certain disquiet, such as I have had on many other occasions, +when, by our Lord's permission, I fell into great temptations and +travail of soul in diverse ways; and though I am in trouble often +enough, as I shall show hereafter, [<a href="#l25note10">10</a>] yet +this disquiet is such that I know not whence it comes; only the soul +seems to resist, is troubled and distressed, without knowing why; for +the words of Satan are good, and not evil. I am thinking whether this +may not be so because one spirit is conscious of the presence +of another.</p> +<p><a name="l25.14">14</a>. The sweetness and joy which Satan gives +are, in my opinion, of a very different kind. By means of these +sweetnesses he may deceive any one who does not, or who never did, +taste of the sweetness of God,--by which I mean a certain sweet, +strong, impressive, delightsome, and calm refreshing. Those little, +fervid bursts of tears, and other slight emotions,--for at the first +breath of persecution these flowers wither,--I do not call devotion, +though they are a good beginning, and are holy impressions; but they +are not a test to determine whether these locutions come from a good +or an evil spirit. It is therefore best for us to proceed always with +great caution; for those persons who have advanced in prayer only so +far as this may most easily fall into delusions, if they have visions +or revelations. For myself, I never had a single vision or +revelation till God had led me on to the prayer of union,--unless it +be on that occasion, of which I have spoken +before, [<a href="#l25note11">11</a>] now many years ago, when I saw +our Lord. Oh, that His Majesty had been pleased to let me then +understand that it was a true vision, as I have since understood it +was! it would have been no slight blessing to me.</p> +<p><a name="l25.15">15</a>. After these locutions of the evil one, the +soul is never gentle, but is, as it were, terrified, and +greatly disgusted.</p> +<p><a name="l25.16">16</a>. I look upon it as a most certain truth, +that the devil will never deceive, and that God will not suffer him to +deceive, the soul which has no confidence whatever in itself; which is +strong in faith, and resolved to undergo a thousand deaths for any one +article of the creed; which in its love of the faith, infused of God +once for all,--a faith living and strong,--always labours, seeking for +further light on this side and on that, to mould itself on the +teaching of the Church, as one already deeply grounded in the truth. +No imaginable revelations, not even if it saw the heavens open, could +make that soul swerve in any degree from the doctrine of the Church. +If, however, it should at any time find itself wavering even in +thought on this point, or stopping to say to itself, If God says this +to me, it may be true, as well as what He said to the Saints--the soul +must not be sure of it. I do not mean that it so believes, only that +Satan has taken the first step towards tempting it; and the giving way +to the first movements of a thought like this is evidently most wrong. +I believe, however, that these first movements will not take place if +the soul is so strong in the matter--as that soul is to whom our Lord +sends these graces--that it seems as if it could crush the evil +spirits in defence of the very least of the truths which the +Church holds.</p> +<p><a name="l25.17">17</a>. If the soul does not discern this great +strength in itself, and if the particular devotion or vision +help it not onwards, then it must not look upon it as safe. For +though at first the soul is conscious of no harm, great harm may by +degrees ensue; because, so far as I can see, and by experience +understand, that which purports to come from God is received only in +so far as it corresponds with the sacred writings; but if it varies +therefrom ever so little, I am incomparably more convinced that it +comes from Satan than I am now convinced it comes from God, however +deep that conviction may be. In this case, there is no need to ask +for signs, nor from what spirit it proceeds, because this varying is +so clear a sign of the devil's presence, that if all the world were to +assure me that it came from God, I would not believe it. The fact is, +that all good seems to be lost out of sight, and to have fled from the +soul, when the devil has spoken to it; the soul is thrown into a state +of disgust, and is troubled, able to do no good thing whatever--for if +it conceives good desires, they are not strong; its humility is +fictitious, disturbed, and without sweetness. Any one who has ever +tasted of the Spirit of God will, I think, understand it.</p> +<p><a name="l25.18">18</a>. Nevertheless, Satan has many devices; and +so there is nothing more certain than that it is safer to be afraid, +and always on our guard, under a learned director, from whom nothing +is concealed. If we do this, no harm can befall us, though much has +befallen me through the excessive fears which possessed some people. +For instance, it happened so once to me, when many persons in whom I +had great confidence, and with good reason, had assembled +together,--five or six in number, I think,--and all very great +servants of God. It is true, my relations were with one of them only; +but by his orders made my state known to the others. They had many +conferences together about my necessities; for they had great +affection for me, and were afraid I was under a delusion. I, too, was +very much afraid whenever I was not occupied in prayer; but when I +prayed, and our Lord bestowed His graces upon me, I was instantly +reassured. My confessor told me they were all of opinion that I was +deceived by Satan; that I must communicate less frequently, and +contrive to distract myself in such a way as to be less alone.</p> +<p><a name="l25.19">19</a>. I was in great fear myself, as I have just +said, and my disease of the heart [<a href="#l25note12">12</a>] +contributed thereto, so that very often I did not dare to remain alone +in my cell during the day. When I found so many maintain this, and +myself unable to believe them, I had at once a most grievous scruple; +for it seemed to me that I had very little humility, especially as +they all led lives incomparably better than mine: they were also +learned men. Why should I not believe them? I did all I could to +believe them. I reflected on my wicked life, and therefore what they +said to me must be true.</p> +<p><a name="l25.20">20</a>. In this distress, I quitted the +church, [<a href="#l25note13">13</a>] and entered an oratory. I had +not been to Communion for many days, nor had I been alone, which was +all my comfort. I had no one to speak to, for every one was against +me. Some, I thought, made a mock of me when I spoke to them of my +prayer, as if I were a person under delusions of the imagination; +others warned my confessor to be on his guard against me; and some +said it was clear the whole was an operation of Satan. My confessor, +though he agreed with them for the sake of trying me, as I understood +afterwards, always comforted me: and he alone did so. He told me +that, if I did not offend God, my prayer, even if it was the work of +Satan, could do me no harm; that I should be delivered from it. He +bade me pray much to God: he himself, and all his penitents, and many +others did so earnestly; I, too, with all my might, and as many as I +knew to be servants of God, prayed that His Majesty would be pleased +to lead me by another way. This lasted, I think, about two years; and +this was the subject of my continual prayer to our Lord.</p> +<p><a name="l25.21">21</a>. But there was no comfort for me when I +thought of the possibility that Satan could speak to me so often. Now +that I was never alone for prayer, our Lord made me recollected even +during conversation: He spoke what He pleased,--I could not avoid it; +and, though it distressed me, I was forced to listen. I was by +myself, having no one in whom I could find any comfort; unable to pray +or read, like a person stunned by heavy trials, and by the dread that +the evil one had deluded me; utterly disquieted and wearied, not +knowing what would become of me. I have been occasionally--yea, very +often--in distress, but never before in distress so great. I was in +this state for four or five hours; there was no comfort for me, either +from heaven or on earth--only our Lord left me to suffer, afraid of a +thousand dangers.</p> +<p><a name="l25.22">22</a>. O my Lord, how true a friend art Thou! how +powerful! Thou showest Thy power when Thou wilt; and Thou dost will +it always, if only we will it also. Let the whole creation praise +Thee, O Thou Lord of the world! Oh, that a voice might go forth over +all the earth, proclaiming Thy faithfulness to those who love Thee! +All things fail; but Thou, Lord of all, never failest! They who love +Thee, oh, how little they have to suffer! oh, how gently, how +tenderly, how sweetly Thou, O my Lord, dealest with them! Oh, that no +one had ever been occupied with any other love than Thine! It seems +as if Thou didst subject those who love Thee to a severe trial: but it +is in order that they may learn, in the depths of that trial, the +depths of Thy love. O my God, oh, that I had understanding and +learning, and a new language, in order to magnify Thy works, according +to the knowledge of them which my soul possesses! Everything fails +me, O my Lord; but if Thou wilt not abandon me, I will never fail +Thee. Let all the learned rise up against me,--let the whole creation +persecute me,--let the evil spirits torment me,--but do Thou, O Lord, +fail me not; for I know by experience now the blessedness of that +deliverance which Thou dost effect for those who trust only in Thee. +In this distress,--for then I had never had a single vision,--these +Thy words alone were enough to remove it, and give me perfect peace: +"Be not afraid, my daughter: it is I; and I will not abandon thee. +Fear not." [<a href="#l25note14">14</a>]</p> +<p><a name="l25.23">23</a>. It seems to me that, in the state I was in +then, many hours would have been necessary to calm me, and that no one +could have done it. Yet I found myself, through these words alone, +tranquil and strong, courageous and confident, at rest and +enlightened; in a moment, my soul seemed changed, and I felt I could +maintain against all the world that my prayer was the work of God. +Oh, how good is God! how good is our Lord, and how powerful! He gives +not counsel only, but relief as well. His words are deeds. O my God! +as He strengthens our faith, love grows. So it is, in truth; for I +used frequently to recollect how our Lord, when the tempest arose, +commanded the winds to be still over the +sea. [<a href="#l25note15">15</a>] So I said to myself: Who is He, +that all my faculties should thus obey Him? Who is He, that gives +light in such darkness in a moment; who softens a heart that seemed to +be made of stone; who gives the waters of sweet tears, where for a +long time great dryness seems to have prevailed; who inspires these +desires; who bestows this courage? What have I been thinking of? what +am I afraid of? what is it? I desire to serve this my Lord; I aim at +nothing else but His pleasure; I seek no joy, no rest, no other good +than that of doing His will. I was so confident that I had no other +desire, that I could safely assert it.</p> +<p><a name="l25.24">24</a>. Seeing, then, that our Lord is so +powerful,--as I see and know He is,--and that the evil spirits are His +slaves, of which there can be no doubt, because it is of faith,--and I +a servant of this our Lord and King,--what harm can Satan do unto me? +Why have I not strength enough to fight against all hell? I took up +the cross in my hand,--I was changed in a moment into another person, +and it seemed as if God had really given me courage enough not to be +afraid of encountering all the evil spirits. It seemed to me that I +could, with the cross, easily defeat them altogether. So I cried out, +Come on, all of you; I am the servant of our Lord: I should like to +see what you can do against me.</p> +<p><a name="l25.25">25</a>. And certainly they seemed to be afraid of +me, for I was left in peace: I feared them so little, that the +terrors, which until now oppressed me, quitted me altogether; and +though I saw them occasionally,--I shall speak of this by and +by, [<a href="#l25note16">16</a>]--I was never again afraid of them--on +the contrary, they seemed to be afraid of +me. [<a href="#l25note17">17</a>] I found myself endowed with a certain +authority over them, given me by the Lord of all, so that I cared no +more for them than for flies. They seem to be such cowards; for their +strength fails them at the sight of any one who despises them. These +enemies have not the courage to assail any but those whom they see +ready to give in to them, or when God permits them to do so, for the +greater good of His servants, whom they may try and torment.</p> +<p><a name="l25.26">26</a>. May it please His Majesty that we fear Him +whom we ought to fear, [<a href="#l25note18">18</a>] and understand +that one venial sin can do us more harm than all hell together; for +that is the truth. The evil spirits keep us in terror, because we +expose ourselves to the assaults of terror by our attachments to +honours, possessions, and pleasures. For then the evil spirits, +uniting themselves with us,--we become our own enemies when we love +and seek what we ought to hate,--do us great harm. We ourselves put +weapons into their hands, that they may assail us; those very weapons +with which we should defend ourselves. It is a great pity. But if, +for the love of God, we hated all this, and embraced the cross, and +set about His service in earnest, Satan would fly away before such +realities, as from the plague. He is the friend of lies, and a lie +himself. [<a href="#l25note19">19</a>] He will have nothing to do +with those who walk in the truth. When he sees the understanding of +any one obscured, he simply helps to pluck out his eyes; if he sees +any one already blind, seeking peace in vanities,--for all the things +of this world are so utterly vanity, that they seem to be but the +playthings of a child,--he sees at once that such a one is a child; he +treats him as a child, and ventures to wrestle with him--not once, +but often.</p> +<p><a name="l25.27">27</a>. May it please our Lord that I be not one +of these; and may His Majesty give me grace to take that for peace +which is really peace, that for honour which is really honour, and +that for delight which is really a delight. Let me never mistake one +thing for another--and then I snap my fingers at all the devils, for +they shall be afraid of me. I do not understand those terrors which +make us cry out, Satan, Satan! when we may say, God, God! and make +Satan tremble. Do we not know that he cannot stir without the +permission of God? What does it mean? I am really much more afraid +of those people who have so great a fear of the devil, than I am of +the devil himself. Satan can do me no harm whatever, but they can +trouble me very much, particularly if they be confessors. I have +spent some years of such great anxiety, that even now I am amazed that +I was able to bear it. Blessed be our Lord, who has so effectually +helped me!</p> +<hr title="Notes"> +<p><small><a name="l25note1">1</a>. <abbr +title="Philippus">Philip.</abbr> a SS. Trinitate, <cite>Theolog. +Mystic.</cite> par. 2, tr. iii. disc. iv. art. v.: <span +lang="la">"Tres sunt modi divinæ locutionis; completur enim divina +locutio vel verbis successivis, vel verbis formalibus, vel verbis +substantialibus. Completur verbis successivis cum anima in semetipsa +multum collecta quosdam discursus internos de Deo vel de aliis divina +format directione; hujusmodi quippe discursus, quamvis ab ipsa sibi +formati, a Deo tamen dirigente procedunt. Completur verbis formalibus +cum anima vel in se collecta, vel aliis occupata, percipit quædam +verba formaliter ac distincte divinitus expressa, ad quorum +formationem anima passive penitus se habet. Completur verbis +substantialibus cum anima vel in se collecta, vel etiam distracta, +percipit quædam verba viva et efficacia, divinitus ad se directa, quæ +virtutem aut substantialem effectum per ipsa significatum fortiter ac +infallibiliter causant."</span> See also <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> John of the Cross, <cite>Ascent of Mount +Carmel</cite>, b. ii. ch. xxviii. and the following, +p. 188.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l25note2">2</a>. From 1555 to 1557, when the Saint +was advised by <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Francis de Borja to make +no further resistance (<cite>Bouix</cite>).</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l25note3">3</a>. See <a +href="#l27.4">ch. xxvii. § 4</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l25note4">4</a>. <a +href="#l25.4">§ 4</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l25note5">5</a>. <a +href="#l25.5">§ 5</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l25note6">6</a>. The doctrine here laid down is not +that of the second water,--<a href="#l14.0">chs. xiv.</a> and <a +href="#l15.0">xv.</a>,--but that of the third, <a +href="#l16.0">ch. xvi</a>. The Saint herself speaks doubtfully; +and as she had but little time for writing, she could not correct nor +read again what she had written (<cite>De +la Fuente</cite>).</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l25note7">7</a>. <a +href="#l25.6">§ 6</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l25note8">8</a>. <a +href="#l25.2">§ 2</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l25note9">9</a>. <a href="#l7.12">Ch. +vii. § 12</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l25note10">10</a>. <a href="#l28.6">Ch. +xxviii. § 6</a>, <a href="#l30.10">ch. xxx. +§ 10</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l25note11">11</a>. <a href="#l7.11">Ch. +vii. § 11</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l25note12">12</a>. <a href="#l4.6">Ch. +iv. § 6</a>, <a href="#l5.14">ch. v. § 14</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l25note13">13</a>. It was the church of the +Jesuits (<cite>Bouix</cite>).</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l25note14">14</a>. See <cite>Inner Fortress</cite>, +vi. 3, § 5.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l25note15">15</a>. <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> +Matt. viii. 26; <span lang="la">"Imperavit ventis et mari, et facta +est tranquillitas magna."</span></small></p> +<p><small><a name="l25note16">16</a>. <a href="#l31.2">Ch. +xxxi. § 2</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l25note17">17</a>. <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> +John of the Cross, <cite>Spiritual Canticle</cite>, <abbr +title="stanza">st.</abbr> 24, p. 128, Eng. trans.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l25note18">18</a>. <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> +Matt. x. 26, 28; <span lang="la">"Ne ergo timueritis eos, . . . +sed potius timete Eum."</span></small></p> +<p><small><a name="l25note19">19</a>. <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> +John viii. 44: <span lang="la">"Mendax est, et +pater ejus."</span></small></p> +<hr title="Text"> +<h3><a name="l26.0">Chapter XXVI.</a></h3> +<p><big>How the Fears of the Saint Vanished. How She Was Assured That +Her Prayer Was the Work of the Holy Spirit.</big></p> +<p><a name="l26.1">1</a>. I look upon the courage which our Lord has +implanted in me against evil spirits as one of the greatest mercies +which He has bestowed upon me; for a cowardly soul, afraid of anything +but sin against God, is a very unseemly thing, when we have on our +side the King omnipotent, our Lord most high, who can do all things, +and subjects all things to Himself. There is nothing to be afraid of +if we walk, as I said before, [<a href="#l26note1">1</a>] in the truth, +in the sight of His Majesty, with a pure conscience. And for this +end, as I said in the same place, I would have myself all fears, that +I may not for one instant offend Him who in that instant is able to +destroy us. If His Majesty is pleased with us, whoever resists us--be +he who he may--will be utterly disappointed.</p> +<p><a name="l26.2">2</a>. It may be so, you will say; but, then, where +is that soul so just as to please Him in everything?--and that is the +reason why we are afraid. Certainly it is not my soul, which is most +wretched, unprofitable, and full of misery. God is not like man in +His ways; He knows our weakness. But the soul perceives, by the help +of certain great signs, whether it loves God of a truth; for the love +of those souls who have come to this state is not hidden as it was at +first, but is full of high impulses, and of longings for the vision of +God, as I shall show hereafter--or rather, as I have shown +already. [<a href="#l26note2">2</a>] Everything wearies, everything +distresses, everything torments the soul, unless it be suffered with +God, or for God. There is no rest which is not a weariness, because +the soul knows itself to be away from its true rest; and so love is +made most manifest, and, as I have just said, impossible to hide.</p> +<p><a name="l26.3">3</a>. It happened to me, on another occasion to be +grievously tried, and much spoken against on account of a certain +affair,--of which I will speak +hereafter, [<a href="#l26note3">3</a>]--by almost everybody in the +place where I am living, and by the members of my Order. When I was +in this distress, and afflicted by many occasions of disquiet wherein +I was placed, our Lord spoke to me, saying: "What art thou afraid +of? knowest thou not that I am almighty? I will do what I have +promised thee." And so, afterwards, was it done. I found myself +at once so strong, that I could have undertaken anything, so it +seemed, immediately, even if I had to endure greater trials for His +service, and had to enter on a new state of suffering. These +locutions are so frequent, that I cannot count them; many of them are +reproaches, and He sends them when I fall into imperfections. They +are enough to destroy a soul. They correct me, however; for His +Majesty--as I said before [<a href="#l26note4">4</a>]--gives both +counsel and relief. There are others which bring my former sins into +remembrance,--particularly when He is about to bestow upon me some +special grace,--in such a way that the soul beholds itself as being +really judged; for those reproaches of God put the truth before it so +distinctly, that it knows not what to do with itself. Some are +warnings against certain dangers to myself or others; many of them are +prophecies of future things, three or four years beforehand; and all +of them have been fulfilled: some of them I could mention. Here, +then, are so many reasons for believing that they come from God, as +make it impossible, I believe, for anybody to mistake them.</p> +<p><a name="l26.4">4</a>. The safest course in these things is to +declare, without fail, the whole state of the soul, together with the +graces our Lord gives me, to a confessor who is learned, and obey him. +I do so; and if I did not, I should have no peace. Nor is it right +that we women, who are unlearned, should have any: there can be no +danger in this, but rather great profit. This is what our Lord has +often commanded me to do, and it is what I have often done. I had a +confessor [<a href="#l26note5">5</a>] who mortified me greatly, and +now and then distressed me: he tried me heavily, for he disquieted me +exceedingly; and yet he was the one who, I believe, did me the most +good. Though I had a great affection for him, I was occasionally +tempted to leave him; I thought that the pain he inflicted on me +disturbed my prayer. Whenever I was resolved on leaving him, I used +to feel instantly that I ought not to do so; and one reproach of our +Lord would press more heavily upon me than all that my confessor did. +Now and then, I was worn out--torture on the one hand, reproaches on +the other. I required it all, for my will was but little subdued. +Our Lord said to me once, that there was no obedience where there was +no resolution to suffer; that I was to think of His sufferings, and +then everything would be easy.</p> +<p><a name="l26.5">5</a>. One of my confessors, to whom I went in the +beginning, advised me once, now that my spiritual state was known to +be the work of God, to keep silence, and not speak of these things to +any one, on the ground that it was safer to keep these graces secret. +To me, the advice seemed good, because I felt it so much whenever I +had to speak of them to my confessor; [<a href="#l26note6">6</a>] I was +also so ashamed of myself, that I felt it more keenly at times to +speak of them than I should have done in confessing grave sins, +particularly when the graces I had to reveal were great. I thought +they did not believe me, and that they were laughing at me. I felt it +so much,--for I look on this as an irreverent treatment of the marvels +of God,--that I was glad to be silent. I learned then that I had been +ill-advised by that confessor, because I ought never to hide anything +from my confessor; for I should find great security if I told +everything; and if I did otherwise, I might at any time fall +into delusions. [<a href="#l26note7">7</a>]</p> +<p><a name="l26.6">6</a>. Whenever our Lord commanded me to do one +thing in prayer, and if my confessor forbade it, our Lord Himself told +me to obey my confessor. His Majesty afterwards would change the mind +of that confessor, so that he would have me do what he had forbidden +before. When we were deprived of many books written in Spanish, and +forbidden to read them,--I felt it deeply, for some of these books +were a great comfort to me, and I could not read them in Latin,--our +Lord said to me, "Be not troubled; I will give thee a living +book." I could not understand why this was said to me, for at +that time I had never had a vision. [<a href="#l26note8">8</a>] But, a +very few days afterwards, I understood it well enough; for I had so +much to think of, and such reasons for self-recollection in what I saw +before me and our Lord dealt so lovingly with me, in teaching me in so +many ways, that I had little or no need whatever of books. His +Majesty has been to me a veritable Book, in which I saw all truth. +Blessed be such a Book, which leaves behind an impression of what is +read therein, and in such a way that it cannotbe forgotten!</p> +<p><a name="l26.7">7</a>. Who can look upon our Lord, covered with +wounds, and bowed down under persecutions, without accepting, loving, +and longing for them? Who can behold but a part of that glory which +He will give to those who serve Him without confessing that all he may +do, and all he may suffer, are altogether as nothing, when we may hope +for such a reward? Who can look at the torments of lost souls without +acknowledging the torments of this life to be joyous delights in +comparison, and confessing how much they owe to our Lord in having +saved them so often from the place of +torments? [<a href="#l26note9">9</a>] But as, by the help of God, I +shall speak more at large of certain things, I wish now to go on with +the story of my life. Our Lord grant that I have been clear enough in +what I have hitherto said! I feel assured that he will understand me +who has had experience herein, and that he will see I have partially +succeeded; but as to him who has had no such experience, I should not +be surprised if he regarded it all as folly. It is enough for him +that it is I who say it, in order to be free from blame; neither will +I blame any one who shall so speak of it. Our Lord grant that I may +never fail to do His will! Amen.</p> +<hr title="Notes"> +<p><small><a name="l26note1">1</a>. <a href="#l25.26">Ch. +xxv. § 26</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l26note2">2</a>. <a href="#l15.6">Ch. +xv. § 6</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l26note3">3</a>. <a href="#l33.0">Ch. +xxxiii.</a>; the foundation of the house of <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Joseph.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l26note4">4</a>. <a href="#l25.23">Ch. +xxv. § 23</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l26note5">5</a>. The Bollandists, n. 185, attribute +some of the severity with which her confessor treated the Saint to the +spirit of desolation with which he was then tried himself; and, in +proof of it, refer to the account which F. Baltasar Alvarez gave of +his own prayer to the General of the Society.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l26note6">6</a>. See <a +href="#r7.7"><cite>Relation</cite>, vii. +§ 7</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l26note7">7</a>. <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> +John of the Cross, <cite>Mount Carmel</cite>, bk. ii. ch. 22, +§ 14.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l26note8">8</a>. The visions of the Saint began in +1558 (<cite>De la Fuente</cite>) or, according to Father Bouix, +in 1559.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l26note9">9</a>. <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> +Luke xvi. 28: <span lang="la">"Ne et ipsi veniant in hunc +locum tormentorum."</span></small></p> +<hr title="Text"> +<h3><a name="l27.0">Chapter XXVII.</a></h3> +<p><big>The Saint Prays to Be Directed by a Different Way. +Intellectual Visions.</big></p> +<p><a name="l27.1">1</a>. I now resume the story of my life. I was in +great pain and distress; and many prayers, as I +said, [<a href="#l27note1">1</a>] were made on my behalf, that our Lord +would lead me by another and a safer way; for this, they told me, was +so suspicious. The truth is, that though I was praying to God for +this, and wished I had a desire for another way, yet, when I saw the +progress I was making, I was unable really to desire a change,--though +I always prayed for it,--excepting on those occasions when I was +extremely cast down by what people said to me, and by the fears with +which they filled me.</p> +<p><a name="l27.2">2</a>. I felt that I was wholly changed; I could do +nothing but put myself in the hands of God: He knew what was expedient +for me; let Him do with me according to His will in all things. I saw +that by this way I was directed heavenwards, and that formerly I was +going down to hell. I could not force myself to desire a change, nor +believe that I was under the influence of Satan. Though I was doing +all I could to believe the one and to desire the other, it was not in +my power to do so. I offered up all my actions, if there should be +any good in them, for this end; I had recourse to the Saints for whom +I had a devotion, that they might deliver me from the evil one; I made +novenas; I commended myself to <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Hilarion, to the Angel <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Michael, to whom I had recently become +devout, for this purpose; and many other Saints I importuned, that our +Lord might show me the way,--I mean, that they might obtain this for +me from His Majesty.</p> +<p><a name="l27.3">3</a>. At the end of two years spent in prayer by +myself and others for this end, namely, that our Lord would either +lead me by another way, or show the truth of this,--for now the +locutions of our Lord were extremely frequent,--this happened to me. +I was in prayer one day,--it was the feast of the glorious <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Peter, [<a href="#l27note2">2</a>]--when I saw +Christ close by me, or, to speak more correctly, felt Him; for I saw +nothing with the eyes of the body, nothing with the eyes of the soul. +He seemed to me to be close beside me; and I saw, too, as I believe, +that it was He who was speaking to me. As I was utterly ignorant that +such a vision was possible, [<a href="#l27note3">3</a>] I was extremely +afraid at first, and did nothing but weep; however, when He spoke to +me but one word to reassure me, I recovered myself, and was, as usual, +calm and comforted, without any fear whatever. Jesus Christ seemed to +be by my side continually, and, as the vision was not imaginary, I saw +no form; but I had a most distinct feeling that He was always on my +right hand, a witness of all I did; and never at any time, if I was +but slightly recollected, or not too much distracted, could I be +ignorant of His near presence. [<a href="#l27note4">4</a>]</p> +<p><a name="l27.4">4</a>. I went at once to my +confessor, [<a href="#l27note5">5</a>] in great distress, to tell him +of it. He asked in what form I saw our Lord. I told him I saw no +form. He then said: "How did you know that it was Christ?" I +replied, that I did not know how I knew it; but I could not help +knowing that He was close beside me,--that I saw Him distinctly, and +felt His presence,--that the recollectedness of my soul was deeper in +the prayer of quiet, and more continuous,--that the effects thereof +were very different from what I had hitherto experienced,--and that it +was most certain. I could only make comparisons in order to explain +myself; and certainly there are no comparisons, in my opinion, by +which visions of this kind can be described. Afterwards I learnt from +Friar Peter of Alcantara, a holy man of great spirituality,--of whom I +shall speak by and by, [<a href="#l27note6">6</a>]--and from others of +great learning, that this vision was of the highest order, and one +with which Satan can least interfere; and therefore there are no words +whereby to explain,--at least, none for us women, who know so little: +learned men can explain it better.</p> +<p><a name="l27.5">5</a>. For if I say that I see Him neither with the +eyes of the body, nor with those of the soul,--because it was not an +imaginary vision,--how is it that I can understand and maintain that +He stands beside me, and be more certain of it than if I saw Him? If +it be supposed that it is as if a person were blind, or in the dark, +and therefore unable to see another who is close to him, the +comparison is not exact. There is a certain likelihood about it, +however, but not much, because the other senses tell him who is blind +of that presence: he hears the other speak or move, or he touches him; +but in these visions there is nothing like this. The darkness is not +felt; only He renders Himself present to the soul by a certain +knowledge of Himself which is more clear than the +sun. [<a href="#l27note7">7</a>] I do not mean that we now see either +a sun or any brightness, only that there is a light not seen, which +illumines the understanding so that the soul may have the fruition of +so great a good. This vision brings with it great blessings.</p> +<p><a name="l27.6">6</a>. It is not like that presence of God which is +frequently felt, particularly by those who have attained to the prayer +of union and of quiet, when we seem, at the very commencement of our +prayer, to find Him with whom we would converse, and when we seem to +feel that He hears us by the effects and the spiritual impressions of +great love and faith of which we are then conscious, as well as by the +good resolutions, accompanied by sweetness, which we then make. This +is a great grace from God; and let him to whom He has given it esteem +it much, because it is a very high degree of prayer; but it is not +vision. God is understood to be present there by the effects He works +in the soul: that is the way His Majesty makes His presence felt; but +here, in this vision, it is seen clearly that Jesus Christ is present, +the Son of the Virgin. In the prayer of union and of quiet, certain +inflowings of the Godhead are present; but in the vision, the Sacred +Humanity also, together with them, is pleased to be our visible +companion, and to do us good.</p> +<p><a name="l27.7">7</a>. My confessor next asked me, who told me it +was Jesus Christ. [<a href="#l27note8">8</a>] I replied that He often +told me so Himself; but, even before He told me so, there was an +impression on my understanding that it was He; and before this He used +to tell me so, and I saw Him not. If a person whom I had never seen, +but of whom I had heard, came to speak to me, and I were blind or +in the dark, and told me who he was, I should believe him; but I could +not so confidently affirm that he was that person, as I might do if I +had seen him. But in this vision I could do so, because so clear a +knowledge is impressed on the soul that all doubt seems impossible, +though He is not seen. Our Lord wills that this knowledge be so +graven on the understanding, that we can no more question His presence +than we can question that which we see with our eyes: not so much +even; for very often there arises a suspicion that we have imagined +things we think we see; but here, though there may be a suspicion in +the first instant, there remains a certainty so great, that the doubt +has no force whatever. So also is it when God teaches the soul in +another way, and speaks to it without speaking, in the way I +have described.</p> +<p><a name="l27.8">8</a>. There is so much of heaven in this language, +that it cannot well be understood on earth, though we may desire ever +so much to explain it, if our Lord will not teach it experimentally. +Our Lord impresses in the innermost soul that which He wills that soul +to understand; and He manifests it there without images or formal +words, after the manner of the vision I am speaking of. Consider well +this way in which God works, in order that the soul may understand +what He means--His great truths and mysteries; for very often what I +understand, when our Lord explains to me the vision, which it is His +Majesty's pleasure to set before me, is after this manner; and it +seems to me that this is a state with which the devil can least +interfere, for these reasons; but if these reasons are not good, I +must be under a delusion. The vision and the language are matters of +such pure spirituality, that there is no toil of the faculties, or of +the senses, out of which--so seems to me--the devil can derive +any advantage.</p> +<p><a name="l27.9">9</a>. It is only at intervals, and for an instant, that this +occurs; for generally--so I think--the senses are not taken away, and +the faculties are not suspended: they preserve their ordinary state. +It is not always so in contemplation; on the contrary, it is very +rarely so; but when it is so, I say that we do nothing whatever +ourselves: no work of ours is then possible; all that is done is +apparently the work of our Lord. It is as if food had been received +into the stomach which had not first been eaten, and without our +knowing how it entered; but we do know well that it is there, though +we know not its nature, nor who it was that placed it there. In this +vision, I know who placed it; but I do not know how He did it. I +neither saw it, nor felt it; I never had any inclination to desire +it, and I never knew before that such a thing was possible.</p> +<p><a name="l27.10">10</a>. In the locutions of which I spoke +before, [<a href="#l27note9">9</a>] God makes the understanding +attentive, though it may be painful to understand what is said; then +the soul seems to have other ears wherewith it hears; and He forces it +to listen, and will not let it be distracted. The soul is like a +person whose hearing was good, and who is not suffered to stop his +ears, while people standing close beside him speak to him with a loud +voice. He may be unwilling to hear, yet hear he must. Such a person +contributes something of his own; for he attends to what is said to +him; but here there is nothing of the kind: even that little, which is +nothing more than the bare act of listening, which is granted to it in +the other case, is now out of its power. It finds its food prepared +and eaten; it has nothing more to do but to enjoy it. It is as if one +without ever learning, without taking the pains even to learn to read, +and without studying any subject whatever, should find himself in +possession of all knowledge, not knowing how or whence it came to him, +seeing that he had never taken the trouble even to learn the alphabet. +This last comparison seems to me to throw some light on this heavenly +gift; for the soul finds itself learned in a moment, and +the mystery of the most Holy Trinity so clearly revealed to it, +together with other most deep doctrines, that there is no theologian +in the world with whom it would hesitate to dispute for the truth of +these matters.</p> +<p><a name="l27.11">11</a>. It is impossible to describe the surprise +of the soul when it finds that one of these graces is enough to change +it utterly, and make it love nothing but Him who, without waiting for +anything itself might do, renders it fit for blessings so high, +communicates to it His secrets, and treats it with so much affection +and love. Some of the graces He bestows are liable to suspicion +because they are so marvellous, and given to one who has deserved them +so little--incredible, too, without a most lively faith. I intend, +therefore, to mention very few of those graces which our Lord has +wrought in me, if I should not be ordered otherwise; but there are +certain visions of which I shall speak, an account of which may be of +some service. In doing so, I shall either dispel his fears to whom +our Lord sends them, and who, as I used to do, thinks them impossible, +or I shall explain the way or the road by which our Lord has led me; +and that is what I have been commanded to describe.</p> +<p><a name="l27.12">12</a>. Now, going back to speak of this way of +understanding, what it is seems to me to be this: it is our Lord's +will in every way that the soul should have some knowledge of what +passes in heaven; and I think that, as the blessed there without +speech understand one another,--I never knew this for certain till our +Lord of His goodness made me see it; He showed it to me in a +trance,--so is it here: God and the soul understand one another, +merely because His Majesty so wills it, without the help of other +means, to express the love there is between them both. In the same +way on earth, two persons of sound sense, if they love each other +much, can even, without any signs, understand one another only by +their looks. It must be so here, though we do not see how, as these +two lovers earnestly regard each the other: the bridegroom says so to +the bride in the Canticle, so I believe, and I have heard that it is +spoken of there. [<a href="#l27note10">10</a>]</p> +<p><a name="l27.13">13</a>. Oh, marvellous goodness of God, in that +Thou permittest eyes which have looked upon so much evil as those of +my soul to look upon Thee! May they never accustom themselves, after +looking on Thee, to look upon vile things again! and may they have +pleasure in nothing but in Thee, O Lord! Oh, ingratitude of men, how +far will it go! I know by experience that what I am saying is true, +and that all we can say is exceedingly little, when we consider what +Thou doest to the soul which Thou hast led to such a state as this. O +souls, you who have begun to pray, and you who possess the true faith, +what can you be in search of even in this life, let alone that which +is for ever, that is comparable to the least of these graces? +Consider, and it is true, that God gives Himself to those who give up +everything for Him. God is not an accepter of +persons. [<a href="#l27note11">11</a>] He loves all; there is no +excuse for any one, however wicked he may be, seeing that He hath thus +dealt with me, raising me to the state I am in. Consider, that what I +am saying is not even an iota of what may be said; I say only that +which is necessary to show the kind of the vision and of the grace +which God bestows on the soul; for that cannot be told which it feels +when our Lord admits it to the understanding of His secrets and of His +mighty works. The joy of this is so far above all conceivable joys, +that it may well make us loathe all the joys of earth; for they are +all but dross; and it is an odious thing to make them enter into the +comparison, even if we might have them for ever. Those which our Lord +gives, what are they? One drop only of the waters of the overflowing +river which He is reserving for us.</p> +<p><a name="l27.14">14</a>. It is a shame! And, in truth, I am +ashamed of myself; if shame could have a place in heaven, I should +certainly be the most ashamed there. Why do we seek blessings and +joys so great, bliss without end, and all at the cost of our good +Jesus? Shall we not at least weep with the daughters of +Jerusalem, [<a href="#l27note12">12</a>] if we do not help to carry +his cross with the Cyrenean? [<a href="#l27note13">13</a>] Is it by +pleasure and idle amusements that we can attain to the fruition of +what He purchased with so much blood? It is impossible. Can we think +that we can, by preserving our honour, which is vanity, recompense Him +for the sufferings He endured, that we might reign with Him for ever? +This is not the way; we are going by the wrong road utterly, and we +shall never arrive there. You, my father, must lift up your voice, +and utter these truths aloud, seeing that God has taken from me the +power of doing it. I should like to utter them to myself for ever. I +listened to them myself, and came to the knowledge of God so late, as +will appear by what I have written, that I am ashamed of myself when I +speak of this; and so I should like to be silent.</p> +<p><a name="l27.15">15</a>. Of one thing, however, I will speak, and I +think of it now and then,--may it be the good pleasure of our Lord to +bring me on, so that I may have the fruition of it!--what will be the +accidental glory and the joy of the blessed who have entered on it, +when they see that, though they were late, yet they left nothing +undone which it was possible for them to do for God, who kept nothing +back they could give Him, and who gave what they gave in every way +they could, according to their strength and their measure,--they who +had more gave more. How rich will he be who gave up all his riches +for Christ! How honourable will he be who, for His sake, sought no +honours whatever, but rather took pleasure in seeing himself abased! +How wise he will be who rejoiced when men accounted him as mad!--they +did so of Wisdom Itself! [<a href="#l27note14">14</a>] How few there +are of this kind now, because of our sins! Now, indeed, they are all +gone whom people regarded as mad, [<a href="#l27note15">15</a>] +because they saw them perform heroic acts, as true lovers +of Christ.</p> +<p><a name="l27.16">16</a>. O world, world! how thou art gaining +credit because they are few who know thee! But do we suppose that God +is better pleased when men account us wise and discreet persons? We +think forthwith that there is but little edification given when people +do not go about, every one in his degree, with great gravity, in a +dignified way. Even in the friar, the ecclesiastic, and the nun, if +they wear old and patched garments, we think it a novelty, and a +scandal to the weak; and even if they are very recollected and given +to prayer. Such is the state of the world, and so forgotten are +matters of perfection, and those grand impetuosities of the Saints. +More mischief, I think, is done in this way, than by any scandal that +might arise if the religious showed in their actions, as they proclaim +it in words, that the world is to be held in contempt. Out of +scandals such as this, our Lord obtains great fruit. If some people +took scandal, others are filled with remorse: anyhow, we should have +before us some likeness of that which our Lord and His Apostles +endured; for we have need of it now more than ever.</p> +<p><a name="l27.17">17</a>. And what an excellent likeness in the +person of that blessed friar, Peter of Alcantara, God has just taken +from us! [<a href="#l27note16">16</a>] The world cannot bear such +perfection now; it is said that men's health is grown feebler, and +that we are not now in those former times. But this holy man lived in +our day; he had a spirit strong as those of another age, and so he +trampled on the world. If men do not go about barefooted, +nor undergo sharp penances, as he did, there are many ways, as I have +said before, [<a href="#l27note17">17</a>] of trampling on the world; +and our Lord teaches them when He finds the necessary courage. How +great was the courage with which His Majesty filled the Saint I am +speaking of! He did penance--oh, how sharp it was!--for +seven-and-forty years, as all men know. I should like to speak of it, +for I know it to be all true.</p> +<p><a name="l27.18">18</a>. He spoke of it to me and to another +person, from whom he kept few or no secrets. As for me, it was the +affection he bore me that led him to speak; for it was our Lord's will +that he should undertake my defence, and encourage me, at a time when +I was in great straits, as I said before, and shall speak of +again. [<a href="#l27note18">18</a>] He told me, I think, that for +forty years he slept but an hour and a half out of the twenty-four, +and that the most laborious penance he underwent, when he began, was +this of overcoming sleep. For that purpose, he was always either +kneeling or standing. When he slept, he sat down, his head resting +against a piece of wood driven into the wall. Lie down he could not, +if he wished it; for his cell, as every one knows, was only four feet +and a half in length. In all these years, he never covered his head +with his hood, even when the sun was hottest, or the rain heaviest. +He never covered his feet: the only garment he wore was made of +sackcloth, and that was as tight as it could be, with nothing between +it and his flesh; over this, he wore a cloak of the same stuff. He +told me that, in the severe cold, he used to take off his cloak, and +open the door and the window of his cell, in order that when he put +his cloak on again, after shutting the door and the window, he might +give some satisfaction to his body in the pleasure it might have in +the increased warmth. His ordinary practice was to eat but once in +three days. He said to me, "Why are you astonished at it? it is +very possible for any one who is used to it." One of his +companions told me that he would be occasionally eight days without +eating: that must have been when he was in prayer; for he was subject +to trances, and to the impetuosities of the love of God, of which I +was once a witness myself.</p> +<p><a name="l27.19">19</a>. His poverty was extreme; and his +mortification, from his youth, was such,--so he told me,--that he was +three years in one of the houses of his Order without knowing how to +distinguish one friar from another, otherwise than by the voice; for +he never raised his eyes: and so, when he was obliged to go from one +part of the house to the other, he never knew the way, unless he +followed the friars. His journeys, also, were made in the same way. +For many years, he never saw a woman's face. He told me that it was +nothing to him then whether he saw it or not: but he was an aged man +when I made his acquaintance; and his weakness was so great, that he +seemed like nothing else but the roots of trees. With all his +sanctity, he was very agreeable; though his words were few, unless +when he was asked questions; he was very pleasant to speak to, for he +had a most clear understanding.</p> +<p><a name="l27.20">20</a>. Many other things I should like to say of +him, if I were not afraid, my father, that you will say, Why does she +meddle here? and it is in that fear I have written this. So I leave +the subject, only saying that his last end was like his +life--preaching to, and exhorting, his brethren. When he saw that the +end was comes he repeated the Psalm, [<a href="#l27note19">19</a>] +<span lang="la">"Lætatus sum in his quæ dicta sunt +mihi;"</span> and then, kneeling down, he died.</p> +<p><a name="l27.21">21</a>. Since then, it has pleased our Lord that I +should find more help from him than during his life. He advises me in +many matters. I have often seen him in great glory. The first time +he appeared to me, he said: "O blessed penance, which has merited +so great a reward!" with other things. A year before his death, +he appeared to me being then far away. I knew he was about to die, +and so I sent him word to that effect, when he was some leagues from +here. When he died, he appeared to me, and said that he was going to +his rest. I did not believe it. I spoke of it to some persons, and +within eight days came the news that he was dead--or, to speak more +correctly, he had begun to live +for evermore. [<a href="#l27note20">20</a>]</p> +<p><a name="l27.22">22</a>. Behold here, then, how that life of sharp +penance is perfected in such great glory: and now he is a greater +comfort to me, I do believe, than he was on earth. Our Lord said to +me on one occasion, that persons could not ask Him anything in his +name, and He not hear them. I have recommended many things to him +that he was to ask of our Lord, and I have seen my petitions granted. +God be blessed for ever! Amen.</p> +<p><a name="l27.23">23</a>. But how I have been talking in order to +stir you up never to esteem anything in this life!--as if you did not +know this, or as if you were not resolved to leave everything, and had +already done it! I see so much going wrong in the world, that though +my speaking of it is of no other use than to weary me by writing of +it, it is some relief to me that all I am saying makes against myself. +Our Lord forgive me all that I do amiss herein; and you too, my +father, for wearying you to no purpose. It seems as if I would make +you do penance for my sins herein.</p> +<hr title="Notes"> +<p><small><a name="l27note1">1</a>. <a href="#l25.20">Ch. +xxv. § 20</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l27note2">2</a>. See <a +href="#l28.5">ch. xxviii. § 5</a>, and <a +href="#l29.1">ch. xxix. § 1</a>. The vision took place, it +seems, on the 29th June. See <a href="#l29.6">ch. xxix. +§ 6</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l27note3">3</a>. See <a href="#l7.12">ch. +vii. § 12</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l27note4">4</a>. See <abbr +title="Antonius">Anton.</abbr> a Spiritu Sancto, +<cite><abbr lang="la" title="Directorium Mysticum">Direct. +Mystic.</abbr></cite> tr. iii. disp. v. § 3.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l27note5">5</a>. See <cite>Inner Fortress</cite>, +vi. 8, § 3.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l27note6">6</a>. <a href="#l27.17">§ 17</a>, <i +lang="la">infra</i>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l27note7">7</a>. See <a +href="#r7.26"><cite>Relation</cite>, vii. +§ 26</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l27note8">8</a>. <cite>Inner Fortress</cite>, vi. +8, § 3.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l27note9">9</a>. <a href="#l25.1">Ch. +xxv. § 1</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l27note10">10</a>. Cant. vi. 4: <span +lang="la">"Averte oculos tuos a me, quia ipsi me avolare +fecerunt."</span> <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> John of the +Cross, <cite>Mount Carmel</cite>, bk. ii. ch. xxix. n. 6, +Engl. trans.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l27note11">11</a>. Acts x. 34: <span +lang="la">"Non est personarum +acceptor Deus."</span></small></p> +<p><small><a name="l27note12">12</a>. <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> +Luke xxiii. 28: <span lang="la">"Filiæ Jerusalem, nolite flere +super Me, sed super vos ipsas flete."</span></small></p> +<p><small><a name="l27note13">13</a>. <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> +Matt. xxvii. 32: <span lang="la">"Hunc angariaverunt ut tolleret +crucem Ejus."</span></small></p> +<p><small><a name="l27note14">14</a>. <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> +John x. 20: <span lang="la">"Dæmonium habet et insanit: quid +Eum auditis?"</span></small></p> +<p><small><a name="l27note15">15</a>. Sap. v. 4: <span +lang="la">"Nos insensati vitam illorum +æstimabamus insaniam."</span></small></p> +<p><small><a name="l27note16">16</a>. 18th Oct. 1562. As the Saint +finished the first relation of her life in June, 1562, this is one of +the additions subsequently made.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l27note17">17</a>. <a href="#l14.7">Ch. +xiv. § 7</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l27note18">18</a>. <a href="#l26.3">Ch. +xxvi. § 3</a>, <a href="#l32.16">ch. xxxii. +§ 16</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l27note19">19</a>. Psalm cxxi. The words in the +MS. are: "Letatun sun yn is que dita sun miqui" (<cite>De +la Fuente</cite>).</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l27note20">20</a>. See <a +href="#l30.2">ch. xxx. § 2</a>.</small></p> +<hr title="Text"> +<h3><a name="l28.0">Chapter XXVIII.</a></h3> +<p><big>Visions of the Sacred Humanity, and of the Glorified Bodies. +Imaginary Visions. Great Fruits Thereof When They Come +from God.</big></p> +<p><a name="l28.1">1</a>. I now resume our subject. I spent some +days, not many, with that vision [<a href="#l28note1">1</a>] +continually before me. It did me so much good, that I never ceased to +pray. Even when I did cease, I contrived that it should be in such a +way as that I should not displease Him whom I saw so clearly present, +an eye-witness of my acts. And though I was occasionally afraid, +because so much was said to me about delusions, that fear lasted not +long, because our Lord reassured me.</p> +<p><a name="l28.2">2</a>. It pleased our Lord, one day that I was in +prayer, to show me His Hands, and His Hands only. The beauty of them +was so great, that no language can describe it. This put me in great +fear; for everything that is strange, in the beginning of any new +grace from God, makes me very much afraid. A few days later, I saw +His divine Face, and I was utterly entranced. I could not understand +why our Lord showed Himself in this way, seeing that, afterwards, He +granted me the grace of seeing His whole Person. Later on, I +understood that His Majesty was dealing with me according to the +weakness of my nature. May He be blessed for ever! A glory so great +was more than one so base and wicked could bear; and our merciful +Lord, knowing this, ordered it in this way.</p> +<p><a name="l28.3">3</a>. You will think, my father, that it required +no great courage to look upon Hands and Face so beautiful. But so +beautiful are glorified bodies, that the glory which surrounds them +renders those who see that which is so supernatural and beautiful +beside themselves. It was so with me: I was in such great fear, +trouble, and perplexity at the sight. Afterwards there ensued a sense +of safety and certainty, together with other results, so that all fear +passed immediately away. [<a href="#l28note2">2</a>]</p> +<p><a name="l28.4">4</a>. On one of the feasts of <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Paul, [<a href="#l28note3">3</a>] when I was +at Mass, there stood before me the most Sacred +Humanity, [<a href="#l28note4">4</a>] as painters represent Him after +the resurrection, in great beauty and majesty, as I particularly +described it to you, my father, when you had insisted on it. It was +painful enough to have to write about it, for I could not describe it +without doing great violence to myself. But I described it as well as +I could, and there is no reason why I should now recur to it. One +thing, however, I have to say: if in heaven itself there were nothing +else to delight our eyes but the great beauty of glorified bodies, +that would be an excessive bliss, particularly the vision of the +Humanity of Jesus Christ our Lord. If here below, where His Majesty +shows Himself to us according to the measure which our wretchedness +can bear, it is so great, what must it be there, where the fruition of +it is complete!</p> +<p><a name="l28.5">5</a>. This vision, though imaginary, I never saw +with my bodily eyes, nor, indeed, any other, but only with the eyes of +the soul. Those who understand these things better than I do, say +that the intellectual vision is more perfect than this; and this, the +imaginary vision, much more perfect than those visions which are seen +by the bodily eyes. The latter kind of visions, they say, is the +lowest; and it is by these that the devil can most delude +us. [<a href="#l28note5">5</a>] I did not know it then; for I wished, +when this grace had been granted me, that it had been so in such a way +that I could see it with my bodily eyes, in order that my confessor +might not say to me that I indulged in fancies.</p> +<p><a name="l28.6">6</a>. After the vision was over, it happened that +I too imagined--the thought came at once--I had fancied these things; +so I was distressed, because I had spoken of them to my confessor, +thinking that I might have been deceiving him. There was another +lamentation: I went to my confessor, and told him of my doubts. He +would ask me whether I told him the truth so far as I knew it; or, if +not, had I intended to deceive him? I would reply, that I told the +truth; for, to the best of my belief, I did not lie, nor did I mean +anything of the kind; neither would I tell a lie for the whole +world. [<a href="#l28note6">6</a>] This he knew well enough; and, +accordingly, he contrived to quiet me; and I felt so much the going to +him with these doubts, that I cannot tell how Satan could have put it +into my head that I invented those things for the purpose of +tormenting myself.</p> +<p><a name="l28.7">7</a>. But our Lord made such haste to bestow this +grace upon me, and to declare the reality of it, that all doubts of +the vision being a fancy on my part were quickly taken away, and ever +since I see most clearly how silly I was. For if I were to spend many +years in devising how to picture to myself anything so beautiful, I +should never be able, nor even know how, to do it for it is beyond the +reach of any possible imagination here below: the whiteness and +brilliancy alone are inconceivable. It is not a brilliancy +which dazzles, but a delicate whiteness and a brilliancy infused, +furnishing the most excessive delight to the eyes, never wearied +thereby, nor by the visible brightness which enables us to see a +beauty so divine. It is a light so different from any light here +below, that the very brightness of the sun we see, in comparison with +the brightness and light before our eyes, seems to be something so +obscure, that no one would ever wish to open his eyes again.</p> +<p><a name="l28.8">8</a>. It is like most pellucid water running in a +bed of crystal, reflecting the rays of the sun, compared with most +muddy water on a cloudy day, flowing on the surface of the earth. Not +that there is anything like the sun present here, nor is the light +like that of the sun: this light seems to be natural; and, in +comparison with it, every other light is something artificial. It is +a light which knows no night; but rather, as it is always light, +nothing ever disturbs it. In short, it is such that no man, however +gifted he may be, can ever, in the whole course of his life, arrive at +any imagination of what it is. God puts it before us so +instantaneously, that we could not open our eyes in time to see it, if +it were necessary for us to open them at all. But whether our eyes be +open or shut, it makes no difference whatever; for when our Lord +wills, we must see it, whether we will or not. No distraction can +shut it out, no power can resist it, nor can we attain to it by any +diligence or efforts of our own. I know this by experience well, as I +shall show you.</p> +<p><a name="l28.9">9</a>. That which I wish now to speak of is the +manner in which our Lord manifests Himself in these visions. I do not +mean that I am going to explain how it is that a light so strong can +enter the interior sense, or so distinct an image the understanding, +so as to seem to be really there; for this must be work for learned +men. Our Lord has not been pleased to let me understand how it is. I +am so ignorant myself, and so dull of understanding, that, although +people have very much wished to explain it to me, I have never been +able to understand how it can be.</p> +<p><a name="l28.10">10</a>. This is the truth: though you, my father, +may think that I have a quick understanding, it is not so; for I have +found out, in many ways, that my understanding can take in only, as +they say, what is given to it to eat. Sometimes my confessor used to +be amazed at my ignorance: and he never explained to me--nor, indeed, +did I desire to understand--how God did this, nor how it could be. +Nor did I ever ask; though, as I have said, [<a href="#l28note7">7</a>] +I had converse for many years with men of great learning. But I did +ask them if this or that were a sin or not: as for everything else, +the thought that God did it all was enough for me. I saw there was no +reason to be afraid, but great reason to praise Him. On the other +hand, difficulties increase my devotion; and the greater the +difficulty the greater the increase.</p> +<p><a name="l28.11">11</a>. I will therefore relate what my experience +has shown me; but how our Lord brought it about, you, my father, will +explain better than I can, and make clear all that is obscure, and +beyond my skill to explain. Now and then it seemed to me that what I +saw was an image; but most frequently it was not so. I thought it was +Christ Himself, judging by the brightness in which He was pleased to +show Himself. Sometimes the vision was so indistinct, that I thought +it was an image; but still not like a picture, however well +painted--and I have seen many good pictures. It would be absurd to +suppose that the one bears any resemblance whatever to the other, for +they differ as a living person differs from his portrait, which, +however well drawn, cannot be lifelike, for it is plain that it is a +dead thing. But let this pass, though to the purpose, and +literally true.</p> +<p><a name="l28.12">12</a>. I do not say this by way of comparison, +for comparisons are never exact, but because it is the truth itself, +as there is the same difference here that there is between a living +subject and the portrait thereof, neither more nor less: for if what I +saw was an image, it was a living image,--not a dead man, but the +living Christ: and He makes me see that He is God and man,--not as He +was in the sepulchre, but as He was when He had gone forth from it, +risen from the dead. He comes at times in majesty so great, that no +one can have any doubt that it is our Lord Himself, especially after +Communion: we know that He is then present, for faith says so. He +shows Himself so clearly to be the Lord of that little dwelling-place, +that the soul seems to be dissolved and lost in Christ. O my Jesus, +who can describe the majesty wherein Thou showest Thyself! How +utterly Thou art the Lord of the whole world, and of heaven, and of a +thousand other and innumerable worlds and heavens, the creation of +which is possible to Thee! The soul understands by that majesty +wherein Thou showest Thyself that it is nothing for Thee to be Lord of +all this.</p> +<p><a name="l28.13">13</a>. Here it is plain, O my Jesus, how slight +is the power of all the devils in comparison with Thine, and how he +who is pleasing unto Thee is able to tread all hell under his feet. +Here we see why the devils trembled when Thou didst go down to Limbus, +and why they might have longed for a thousand hells still lower, that +they might escape from Thy terrible Majesty. I see that it is Thy +will the soul should feel the greatness of Thy Majesty, and the power +of Thy most Sacred Humanity, united with Thy Divinity. Here, too, we +see what the day of judgment will be, when we shall behold the King in +His Majesty, and in the rigour of His justice against the wicked. +Here we learn true humility, imprinted in the soul by the sight of its +own wretchedness, of which now it cannot be ignorant. Here, also, is +confusion of face, and true repentance for sins; for though the soul +sees that our Lord shows how He loves it, yet it knows not where to +go, and so is utterly dissolved.</p> +<p><a name="l28.14">14</a>. My meaning is, that so exceedingly great +is the power of this vision, when our Lord shows the soul much of His +grandeur and majesty, that it is impossible, in my opinion, for any +soul to endure it, if our Lord did not succour it in a most +supernatural way, by throwing it into a trance or ecstasy, whereby the +vision of the divine presence is lost in the fruition thereof. It is +true that afterwards the vision is forgotten; but there remains so +deep an impression of the majesty and beauty of God, that it is +impossible to forget it, except when our Lord is pleased that the soul +should suffer from aridity and desolation, of which I shall speak +hereafter; [<a href="#l28note8">8</a>] for then it seems to forget God +Himself. The soul is itself no longer, it is always inebriated; it +seems as if a living love of God, of the highest kind, made a new +beginning within it; for though the former vision, which I said +represented God without any likeness of +Him, [<a href="#l28note9">9</a>] is of a higher kind, yet because of +our weakness, in order that the remembrance of the vision may last, +and that our thoughts may be well occupied, it is a great matter that +a presence so divine should remain and abide in our imagination. +These two kinds of visions come almost always together, and they do so +come; for we behold the excellency and beauty and glory of the most +Holy Humanity with the eyes of the soul. And in the other way I have +spoken of,--that of intellectual vision,--we learn how He is God, is +mighty, can do all things, commands all things, governs all things, +and fills all things with His love.</p> +<p><a name="l28.15">15</a>. This vision is to be esteemed very highly; +nor is there, in my opinion, any risk in it, because the fruits of it +show that the devil has no power here. I think he tried three or four +times to represent our Lord to me, in this way, by a false image of +Him. He takes the appearance of flesh, but he cannot counterfeit the +glory which it has when the vision is from God. Satan makes his +representations in order to undo the true vision which the soul has +had: but the soul resists instinctively; is troubled, disgusted, and +restless; it loses that devotion and joy it previously had, and cannot +pray at all. In the beginning, it so happened to me three or four +times. These satanic visions are very different things; and even he +who shall have attained to the prayer of quiet only will, I believe, +detect them by those results of them which I described when I was +speaking of locutions. [<a href="#l28note10">10</a>] They are most +easily recognised; and if a soul consents not to its own delusion, I +do not think that Satan will be able to deceive it, provided it walks +in humility and singleness of heart. He who shall have had the true +vision, coming from God, detects the false visions at once; for, +though they begin with a certain sweetness and joy, the soul rejects +them of itself; and the joy which Satan ministers must be, I think, +very different--it shows no traces of pure and holy love: Satan very +quickly betrays himself.</p> +<p><a name="l28.16">16</a>. Thus, then, as I believe, Satan can do no +harm to anyone who has had experience of these things; for it is the +most impossible of all impossible things that all this may be the work +of the imagination. There is no ground whatever for the supposition; +for the very beauty and whiteness of one of our Lord's +Hands [<a href="#l28note11">11</a>] are beyond our imagination +altogether. How is it that we see present before us, in a moment, +what we do not remember, what we have never thought of, and, moreover, +what, in a long space of time, the imagination could not compass, +because, as I have just said, [<a href="#l28note12">12</a>] it far +transcends anything we can comprehend in this life? This, then, is +not possible. Whether we have any power in the matter or not will +appear by what I am now going to say.</p> +<p><a name="l28.17">17</a>. If the vision were the work of a man's own +understanding,--setting aside that such a vision would not accomplish +the great results of the true one, nor, indeed, any at all,--it would +be as the act of one who tries to go to sleep, and yet continues +awake, because sleep has not come. He longs for it, because of some +necessity or weakness in his head: and so he lulls himself to sleep, +and makes efforts to procure it, and now and then thinks he has +succeeded; but, if the sleep be not real, it will not support him, nor +supply strength to his head: on the contrary, his head will very often +be the worse for it. So will it be here, in a measure; the soul will +be dissipated, neither sustained nor strengthened; on the contrary, it +will be wearied and disgusted. But, in the true vision, the riches +which abide in the soul cannot be described; even the body receives +health and comfort.</p> +<p><a name="l28.18">18</a>. I urged this argument, among others, when +they told me that my visions came from the evil one, and that I +imagined them myself,--and it was very often,--and made use of certain +illustrations, as well as I could, and as our Lord suggested to me. +But all was to little purpose; for as there were most holy persons in +the place,--in comparison with whom I was a mass of perdition,--whom +God did not lead by this way, they were at once filled with fear; they +thought it all came through my sins. And so my state was talked +about, and came to the knowledge of many; though I had spoken of it to +no one, except my confessor, or to those to whom he +commanded [<a href="#l28note13">13</a>] me to speak of it.</p> +<p><a name="l28.19">19</a>. I said to them once, If they who thus +speak of my state were to tell me that a person with whom I had just +conversed, and whom I knew well, was not that person, but that I was +deluding myself, and that they knew it, I should certainly trust them +rather than my own eyes. But if that person left with me certain +jewels,--and if, possessing none previously, I held the jewels in my +hand as pledges of a great love,--and if I were now rich, instead of +poor as before,--I should not be able to believe this that they said, +though I might wish it. These jewels I could now show them, for all +who knew me saw clearly that my soul was changed,--and so my confessor +said; for the difference was very great in every way--not a pretence, +but such as all might most clearly observe. As I was formerly so +wicked, I said, I could not believe that Satan, if he wished to +deceive me and take me down to hell, would have recourse to means so +adverse to his purpose as this, of rooting out my faults, implanting +virtues and spiritual strength; for I saw clearly that I had become at +once another person through the instrumentality of these visions.</p> +<p><a name="l28.20">20</a>. My confessor, who was, as I said +before, [<a href="#l28note14">14</a>] one of the fathers of the Society +of Jesus, and a really holy man, answered them in the same way,--so I +learnt afterwards. He was a most discreet man, and of great humility; +but this great humility of his brought me into serious trouble: for, +though he was a man much given to prayer, and learned, he never +trusted his own judgment, because our Lord was not leading him by this +way. He had, therefore, much to suffer on my account, in many ways. +I knew they used to say to him that he must be on his guard against +me, lest Satan should delude him through a belief in anything I might +say to him. They gave instances of others who were +deluded. [<a href="#l28note15">15</a>] All this distressed me. I +began to be afraid I should find no one to hear my +confession, [<a href="#l28note16">16</a>] and that all would avoid me. +I did nothing but weep.</p> +<p><a name="l28.21">21</a>. It was a providence of God that he was +willing to stand by me and hear my confession. But he was so great a +servant of God, that he would have exposed himself to anything for His +sake. So he told me that if I did not offend God, nor swerve from the +instructions he gave me, there was no fear I should be deserted by +him. He encouraged me always, and quieted me. He bade me never to +conceal anything from him; and I never +did. [<a href="#l28note17">17</a>] He used to say that, so long as I +did this, the devil, if it were the devil, could not hurt me; on the +contrary, out of that evil which Satan wished to do me, our Lord would +bring forth good. He laboured with all his might to make me perfect. +As I was very much afraid myself, I obeyed him in everything, though +imperfectly. He had much to suffer on my account during three years +of trouble and more, because he heard my confession all that time; for +in the great persecutions that fell upon me, and the many harsh +judgments of me which our Lord permitted,--many of which I did not +deserve,--everything was carried to him, and he was found fault with +because of me,--he being all the while utterly blameless.</p> +<p><a name="l28.22">22</a>. If he had not been so holy a man, and if +our Lord had not been with him, it would have, been impossible for him +to bear so much; for he had to answer those who regarded me as one +going to destruction; and they would not believe what he said to them. +On the other hand, he had to quiet me, and relieve me of my fears; +when my fears increased, he had again to reassure me; for, after every +vision which was strange to me, our Lord permitted me to remain in +great fear. All this was the result of my being then, and of having +been, a sinner. He used to console me out of his great compassion; +and, if he had trusted to his own convictions, I should not have had +so much to suffer; for God revealed the whole truth to him. I believe +that he received this light from the Blessed Sacrament.</p> +<p><a name="l28.23">23</a>. Those servants of God who were not +satisfied had many conversations with me. [<a href="#l28note18">18</a>] +As I spoke to them carelessly, so they misunderstood my meaning in +many things. I had a great regard for one of them; for my soul owed +him more than I can tell. He was a most holy man, and I felt it most +acutely when I saw that he did not understand me. He had a great +desire for my improvement, and hoped our Lord would enlighten me. So, +then, because I spoke, as I was saying, without careful consideration, +they looked upon me as deficient in humility; and when they detected +any of my faults--they might have detected many--they condemned me at +once. They used to put certain questions to me, which I answered +simply and carelessly. Then they concluded forthwith that I wished to +teach them, and that I considered myself to be a learned woman. All +this was carried to my confessor,--for certainly they desired my +amendment--and so he would reprimand me. This lasted some time, and I +was distressed on many sides; but, with the graces which our Lord gave +me, I bore it all.</p> +<p><a name="l28.24">24</a>. I relate this in order that people may see +what a great trial it is not to find any one who knows this way of the +spirit by experience. If our Lord had not dealt so favourably with +me, I know not what would have become of me. There were some things +that were enough to take away my reason; and now and then I was +reduced to such straits that I could do nothing but lift up my eyes to +our Lord. [<a href="#l28note19">19</a>] The contradiction of good +people, which a wretched woman, weak, wicked, and timid as I am, must +bear with, seems to be nothing when thus described; but I, who in the +course of my life passed through very great trials, found this one of +the heaviest. [<a href="#l28note20">20</a>]</p> +<p><a name="l28.25">25</a>. May our Lord grant that I may have pleased +His Majesty a little herein; for I am sure that they pleased Him who +condemned and rebuked me, and that it was all for my great good.</p> +<hr title="Notes"> +<p><small><a name="l28note1">1</a>. <a href="#l27.3">Ch. +xxvii. § 3</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l28note2">2</a>. <abbr +title="Philippus">Philipp.</abbr> a SS. Trinitate, <cite>Theolog. +Mystic.</cite> par. 2, tr. 3, disc. iv., art. 8: <span lang="la">"Quamvis in principio +visiones a dæmone fictæ aliquam habeant pacem ac dulcedinem, in fine +tamen confusionum et amaritudinem in anima relinquunt; cujus +contrarium est in divinis visionibus, quæ sæpe turbant in principio, +sed semper in fine pacem animæ relinquunt."</span> <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> John of the Cross, <cite>Spiritual +Canticle</cite>, <abbr title="stanza">st.</abbr> 14, p. 84: +"In the spiritual passage from the sleep of natural ignorance to +the wakefulness of the supernatural understanding, which is the +beginning of trance or ecstasy, the spiritual vision then revealed +makes the soul fear and tremble."</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l28note3">3</a>. See <a +href="#l29.4">ch. xxix. § 4</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l28note4">4</a>. "The holy Mother, Teresa of +Jesus, had these imaginary visions for many years, seeing our Lord +continually present before her in great beauty, risen from the dead, +with His wounds and the crown of thorns. She had a picture made of +Him, which she gave to me, and which I gave to Don Fernando de Toledo, +Duke of Alva" (Jerome Gratian, <cite lang="es">Union del +Alma</cite>, <abbr lang="es" title="capítulo">cap.</abbr> 5. +Madrid, 1616).</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l28note5">5</a>. <abbr +title="Antonius">Anton.</abbr> a <abbr title="Spiritu">Sp.</abbr> +Sancto, <cite><abbr lang="la" title="Directorium Mysticum">Direct. +Mystic.</abbr></cite> tr. iii. disp. 5, § I, n. 315: <span +lang="la">"Visio corporea est infima, visio imaginaria est media, +visio intellectualis est suprema." N. 322: "Apparitio +visibilis, cum sit omnium infima, est magis exposita illusioni +diaboli, nisi forte huic visioni corporali visio intellectualis +adjungatur, ut in apparitione S. Gabrielis archangeli facta +Beatæ Virgini."</span></small></p> +<p><small><a name="l28note6">6</a>. See <a +href="#l30.18">ch. xxx. § 18</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l28note7">7</a>. <a href="#l25.18">Ch. +xxv. § 18</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l28note8">8</a>. <a href="#l30.9">Ch. +xxx. §§ 9, 10</a>. See <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> John of the +Cross, <cite>Obscure Night</cite>, bk. ii. ch. 7.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l28note9">9</a>. <a href="#l27.3">Ch. +xxvii. § 3</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l28note10">10</a>. <a href="#l25.8">Ch. +xxv. § 8</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l28note11">11</a>. See <a +href="#l28.2">§ 2</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l28note12">12</a>. <a href="#l28.7">§ 7</a>, <i +lang="la">supra</i>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l28note13">13</a>. See <a +href="#l23.14">ch. xxiii. § 14</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l28note14">14</a>. <a href="#l24.5">Ch. +xxiv. § 5</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l28note15">15</a>. There were in Spain, and +elsewhere, many women who were hypocrites, or deluded. Among others +was the prioress of Lisbon, afterwards notorious, who deceived Luis of +Granada (<cite>De la Fuente</cite>).</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l28note16">16</a>. <cite>Inner Fortress</cite>, vi. +1, § 4.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l28note17">17</a>. <a href="#l26.5">Ch. +xxvi. § 5</a>; <cite>Inner Fortress</cite>, vi. 9, § 7.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l28note18">18</a>. See <a +href="#l25.18">ch. xxv. § 18</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l28note19">19</a>. 2 Paralip. xx. 12: <span +lang="la">"Sed cum ignoremus quid agere debeamus, hoc solum +habemus residui, ut oculos nostros dirigamus +ad Te."</span></small></p> +<p><small><a name="l28note20">20</a>. See <a +href="#l30.6">ch. xxx. § 6</a>.</small></p> +<hr title="Text"> +<h3><a name="l29.0">Chapter XXIX.</a></h3> +<p><big>Of Visions. The Graces Our Lord Bestowed on the Saint. The +Answers Our Lord Gave Her for Those Who Tried Her.</big></p> +<p><a name="l29.1">1</a>. I have wandered far from the subject; for I +undertook to give reasons why the vision was no work of the +imagination. For how can we, by any efforts of ours, picture to +ourselves the Humanity of Christ, and imagine His great beauty? No +little time is necessary, if our conception is in any way to resemble +it. Certainly, the imagination may be able to picture it, and a +person may for a time contemplate that picture,--the form and the +brightness of it,--and gradually make it more perfect, and so lay up +that image in his memory. Who can hinder this, seeing that it could +be fashioned by the understanding? But as to the vision of which I am +speaking, there are no means of bringing it about; only we must behold +it when our Lord is pleased to present it before us, as He wills and +what He wills; and there is no possibility of taking anything away +from it, or of adding anything to it; nor is there any way of +effecting it, whatever we may do, nor of seeing it when we like, nor +of abstaining from seeing; if we try to gaze upon it--part of the +vision in particular--the vision of Christ is lost at once.</p> +<p><a name="l29.2">2</a>. For two years and a half God granted me this +grace very frequently; but it is now more than three years since He +has taken away from me its continual presence, through another of a +higher nature, as I shall perhaps explain +hereafter. [<a href="#l29note1">1</a>] And though I saw Him speaking +to me, and though I was contemplating His great beauty, and the +sweetness with which those words of His came forth from His divine +mouth,--they were sometimes uttered with severity,--and though I was +extremely desirous to behold the colour of His eyes, or the form of +them, so that I might be able to describe them, yet I never attained +to the sight of them, and I could do nothing for that end; on the +contrary, I lost the vision altogether. And though I see that He +looks upon me at times with great tenderness, yet so strong is His +gaze, that my soul cannot endure it; I fall into a trance so deep, +that I lose the beautiful vision, in order to have a greater fruition +of it all.</p> +<p><a name="l29.3">3</a>. Accordingly, willing or not willing, the +vision has nothing to do with it. Our Lord clearly regards nothing +but humility and confusion of face, the acceptance of what He wishes +to give, and the praise of Himself, the Giver. This is true of all +visions without exception: we can contribute nothing towards them--we +cannot add to them, nor can we take from them; our own efforts can +neither make nor unmake them. Our Lord would have us see most clearly +that it is no work of ours, but of His Divine Majesty; we are +therefore the less able to be proud of it: on the contrary, it makes +us humble and afraid; for we see that, as our Lord can take from us +the power of seeing what we would see, so also can He take from us +these mercies and His grace, and we may be lost for ever. We must +therefore walk in His fear while we are living in this our exile.</p> +<p><a name="l29.4">4</a>. Our Lord showed Himself to me almost always +as He is after His resurrection. It was the same in the Host; only at +those times when I was in trouble, and when it was His will to +strengthen me, did He show His wounds. Sometimes I saw Him on the +cross, in the Garden, crowned with thorns,--but that was rarely; +sometimes also carrying His cross because of my necessities,--I may +say so,--or those of others; but always in His glorified body. Many +reproaches and many vexations have I borne while telling this--many +suspicions and much persecution also. So certain were they to whom I +spoke that I had an evil spirit, that some would have me exorcised. I +did not care much for this; but I felt it bitterly when I saw that my +confessors were afraid to hear me, or when I knew that they were told +of anything about me.</p> +<p><a name="l29.5">5</a>. Notwithstanding all this, I never could be +sorry that I had had these heavenly visions; nor would I exchange even +one of them for all the wealth and all the pleasures of the world. I +always regarded them as a great mercy from our Lord; and to me they +were the very greatest treasure,--of this our Lord assured me often. +I used to go to Him to complain of all these hardships; and I came +away from prayer consoled, and with renewed strength. I did not dare +to contradict those who were trying me; for I saw that it made matters +worse, because they looked on my doing so as a failure in humility. I +spoke of it to my confessor; he always consoled me greatly when he saw +me in distress.</p> +<p><a name="l29.6">6</a>. As my visions grew in frequency, one of +those who used to help me before--it was to him I confessed when the +father-minister [<a href="#l29note2">2</a>] could not hear me--began to +say that I was certainly under the influence of Satan. He bade me, +now that I had no power of resisting, always to make the sign of the +cross when I had a vision, to point my finger at it by way of +scorn, [<a href="#l29note3">3</a>] and be firmly persuaded of its +diabolic nature. If I did this, the vision would not recur. I was to +be without fear on the point; God would watch over me, and take the +vision away. [<a href="#l29note4">4</a>] This was a great hardship for +me; for, as I could not believe that the vision did not come from God, +it was a fearful thing for me to do; and I could not wish, as I said +before, that the visions should be withheld. However, I did at last as +I was bidden. I prayed much to our Lord, that He would deliver me +from delusions. I was always praying to that effect, and with many +tears. I had recourse also to <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Peter +and <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Paul; for our Lord had said to +me--it was on their feast that He had appeared to me the first +time [<a href="#l29note5">5</a>]--that they would preserve me from +delusion. I used to see them frequently most distinctly on my left +hand; but that vision was not imaginary. These glorious Saints were +my very good lords.</p> +<p><a name="l29.7">7</a>. It was to me a most painful thing to make a +show of contempt whenever I saw our Lord in a vision; for when I saw +Him before me, if I were to be cut in pieces, I could not believe it +was Satan. This was to me, therefore, a heavy kind of penance; and +accordingly, that I might not be so continually crossing myself, I +used to hold a crucifix in my hand. This I did almost always; but I +did not always make signs of contempt, because I felt that too much. +It reminded me of the insults which the Jews heaped upon Him; and so I +prayed Him to forgive me, seeing that I did so in obedience to him who +stood in His stead, and not to lay the blame on me, seeing that he was +one of those whom He had placed as His ministers in His Church. He +said to me that I was not to distress myself--that I did well to obey; +but He would make them see the truth of the matter. He seemed to me +to be angry when they made me give up my +prayer. [<a href="#l29note6">6</a>] He told me to say to them that +this was tyranny. He gave me reasons for believing that the vision +was not satanic; some of them I mean to repeat by and by.</p> +<p><a name="l29.8">8</a>. On one occasion,when I was holding in my +hand the cross of my rosary, He took it from me into His own hand. He +returned it; but it was then four large stones incomparably more +precious than diamonds; for nothing can be compared with what is +supernatural. Diamonds seem counterfeits and imperfect when compared +with these precious stones. The five wounds were delineated on them +with most admirable art. He said to me, that for the future that +cross would appear so to me always; and so it did. I never saw the +wood of which it was made, but only the precious stones. They were +seen, however, by no one else,--only +by myself. [<a href="#l29note7">7</a>]</p> +<p><a name="l29.9">9</a>. When they had begun to insist on my putting +my visions to a test like this, and resisting them, the graces I +received were multiplied more and more. I tried to distract myself; I +never ceased to be in prayer: even during sleep my prayer seemed to be +continual; for now my love grew, I made piteous complaints to our +Lord, and told Him I could not bear it. Neither was it in my +power--though I desired, and, more than that, even strove--to give up +thinking of Him. Nevertheless, I obeyed to the utmost of my power; +but my power was little or nothing in the matter; and our Lord never +released me from that obedience; but though He bade me obey my +confessor, He reassured me in another way, and taught me what I was to +say. He has continued to do so until now; and He gave me reasons so +sufficient, that I felt myself perfectly safe.</p> +<p><a name="l29.10">10</a>. Not long afterwards His Majesty began, +according to His promise, to make it clear that it was He Himself who +appeared, by the growth in me of the love of God so strong, that I +knew not who could have infused it; for it was most supernatural, and +I had not attained to it by any efforts of my own. I saw myself dying +with a desire to see God, and I knew not how to seek that life +otherwise than by dying. Certain great +impetuosities [<a href="#l29note8">8</a>] of love, though not so +intolerable as those of which I have spoken +before, [<a href="#l29note9">9</a>] nor yet of so great worth, +overwhelmed me. I knew not what to do; for nothing gave me pleasure, +and I had no control over myself. It seemed as if my soul were really +torn away from myself. Oh, supreme artifice of our Lord! how tenderly +didst Thou deal with Thy miserable slave! Thou didst hide Thyself from +me, and didst yet constrain me with Thy love, with a death so sweet, +that my soul would never wish it over.</p> +<p><a name="l29.11">11</a>. It is not possible for any one to +understand these impetuosities if he has not experienced them himself. +They are not an upheaving of the breast, nor those devotional +sensations, not uncommon, which seem on the point of causing +suffocation, and are beyond control. That prayer is of a much lower +order; and those agitations should be avoided by gently endeavouring +to be recollected; and the soul should be kept in quiet. This prayer +is like the sobbing of little children, who seem on the point of +choking, and whose disordered senses are soothed by giving them to +drink. So here reason should draw in the reins, because nature itself +may be contributing to it and we should consider with fear that all +this may not be perfect, and that much sensuality may be involved in +it. The infant soul should be soothed by the caresses of love, which +shall draw forth its love in a gentle way, and not, as they say, by +force of blows. This love should be inwardly under control, and not +as a caldron, fiercely boiling because too much fuel has been applied +to it, and out of which everything is lost. The source of the fire +must be kept under control, and the flame must be quenched in sweet +tears, and not with those painful tears which come out of these +emotions, and which do so much harm.</p> +<p><a name="l29.12">12</a>. In the beginning, I had tears of this +kind. They left me with a disordered head and a wearied spirit, and +for a day or two afterwards unable to resume my prayer. Great +discretion, therefore, is necessary at first, in order that everything +may proceed gently, and that the operations of the spirit may be +within; all outward manifestations should be carefully avoided.</p> +<p><a name="l29.13">13</a>. These other impetuosities are very +different. It is not we who apply the fuel; the fire is already +kindled, and we are thrown into it in a moment to be consumed. It is +by no efforts of the soul that it sorrows over the wound which the +absence of our Lord has inflicted on it; it is far otherwise; for an +arrow is driven into the entrails to the very +quick, [<a href="#l29note10">10</a>] and into the heart at times, so +that the soul knows not what is the matter with it, nor what it wishes +for. It understands clearly enough that it wishes for God, and that +the arrow seems tempered with some herb which makes the soul hate +itself for the love of our Lord, and willingly lose its life for Him. +It is impossible to describe or explain the way in which God wounds +the soul, nor the very grievous pain inflicted, which deprives it of +all self-consciousness; yet this pain is so sweet, that there is no +joy in the world which gives greater delight. As I have just +said, [<a href="#l29note11">11</a>] the soul would wish to be always +dying of this wound.</p> +<p><a name="l29.14">14</a>. This pain and bliss together carried me +out of myself, and I never could understand how it was. Oh, what a +sight a wounded soul is!--a soul, I mean, so conscious of it, as to be +able to say of itself that it is wounded for so good a cause; and +seeing distinctly that it never did anything whereby this love should +come to it, and that it does come from that exceeding love which our +Lord bears it. A spark seems to have fallen suddenly upon it, that +has set it all on fire. Oh, how often do I remember, when in this +state, those words of David: <span lang="la">"Quemadmodum +desiderat cervus ad fontes +aquarum"</span>! [<a href="#l29note12">12</a>] They seem to me to +be literally true of myself.</p> +<p><a name="l29.15">15</a>. When these impetuosities are not very +violent they seem to admit of a little mitigation--at least, the soul +seeks some relief, because it knows not what to do--through certain +penances; the painfulness of which, and even the shedding of its +blood, are no more felt than if the body were dead. The soul seeks +for ways and means to do something that may be felt, for the love of +God; but the first pain is so great, that no bodily torture I know of +can take it away. As relief is not to be had here, these medicines +are too mean for so high a disease. Some slight mitigation may be +had, and the pain may pass away a little, by praying God to relieve +its sufferings: but the soul sees no relief except in death, by which +it thinks to attain completely to the fruition of its good. At other +times, these impetuosities are so violent, that the soul can do +neither this nor anything else; the whole body is contracted, and +neither hand nor foot can be moved: if the body be upright at the +time, it falls down, as a thing that has no control over itself. It +cannot even breathe; all it does is to moan--not loudly, because it +cannot: its moaning, however, comes from a keen sense of pain.</p> +<p><a name="l29.16">16</a>. Our Lord was pleased that I should have at +times a vision of this kind: I saw an angel close by me, on my left +side, in bodily form. This I am not accustomed to see, unless very +rarely. Though I have visions of angels frequently, yet I see them +only by an intellectual vision, such as I have spoken of +before. [<a href="#l29note13">13</a>] It was our Lord's will that in +this vision I should see the angel in this wise. He was not large, +but small of stature, and most beautiful--his face burning, as if he +were one of the highest angels, who seem to be all of fire: they must +be those whom we call cherubim. [<a href="#l29note14">14</a>] Their +names they never tell me; but I see very well that there is in heaven +so great a difference between one angel and another, and between these +and the others, that I cannot explain it.</p> +<p><a name="l29.17">17</a>. I saw in his hand a long spear of gold, +and at the iron's point there seemed to be a little fire. He appeared +to me to be thrusting it at times into my +heart, [<a href="#l29note15">15</a>] and to pierce my very entrails; +when he drew it out, he seemed to draw them out also, and to leave me +all on fire with a great love of God. The pain was so great, that it +made me moan; and yet so surpassing was the sweetness of this +excessive pain, that I could not wish to be rid of it. The soul is +satisfied now with nothing less than God. The pain is not bodily, but +spiritual; though the body has its share in it, even a large one. It +is a caressing of love so sweet which now takes place between the soul +and God, that I pray God of His goodness to make him experience it who +may think that I am lying. [<a href="#l29note16">16</a>]</p> +<p><a name="l29.18">18</a>. During the days that this lasted, I went +about as if beside myself. I wished to see, or speak with, no one, +but only to cherish my pain, which was to me a greater bliss than all +created things could give me. [<a href="#l29note17">17</a>]</p> +<p><a name="l29.19">19</a>. I was in this state from time to time, +whenever it was our Lord's pleasure to throw me into those deep +trances, which I could not prevent even when I was in the company of +others, and which, to my deep vexation, came to be publicly known. +Since then, I do not feel that pain so much, but only that which I +spoke of before,--I do not remember the +chapter, [<a href="#l29note18">18</a>]--which is in many ways very +different from it, and of greater worth. On the other hand, when this +pain, of which I am now speaking, begins, our Lord seems to lay hold +of the soul, and to throw it into a trance, so that there is no time +for me to have any sense of pain or suffering, because fruition ensues +at once. May He be blessed for ever, who hath bestowed such great +graces on one who has responded so ill to blessings so great!</p> +<hr title="Notes"> +<p><small><a name="l29note1">1</a>. <a href="#l40.0">Ch. +xl</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l29note2">2</a>. Baltasar Alvarez was +father-minister of the house of <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Giles, +Avila, in whose absence she had recourse to another father of that +house (<cite>Ribera</cite>, i. ch. 6).</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l29note3">3</a>. <span lang="es">Y diese +higas.</span> <span lang="es">"Higa es una manera de menosprecio +que hacemos cerrando el puño, y mostrando el dedo pulgar por entre el +dedo indice, y el medio"</span> (<cite>Cobarruvias</cite>, <i +lang="la">in voce</i>).</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l29note4">4</a>. See <cite>Book of the +Foundations</cite>, ch. viii. § 3, where the Saint refers to this +advice, and to the better advice given her later by F. Dominic Bañes, +one of her confessors. See also <cite>Inner Fortress</cite>, vi. 9, +§ 7.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l29note5">5</a>. See <a +href="#l27.3">ch. xxvii. § 3</a>, and <a +href="#l28.4">ch. xxviii. § 4</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l29note6">6</a>. <a href="#l25.18">Ch. +xxv. § 18</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l29note7">7</a>. The cross was made of ebony +(<cite>Ribera</cite>). It is not known where that cross is now. The +Saint gave it to her sister, Doña Juana de Ahumada, who begged it of +her. Some say that the Carmelites of Madrid possess it; and others, +those of Valladolid (<cite>De la Fuente</cite>).</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l29note8">8</a>. See <a +href="#r1.3"><cite>Relation</cite>, i. § 3</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l29note9">9</a>. <a href="#l20.11">Ch. +xx. § 11</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l29note10">10</a>. <cite>Inner Fortress</cite>, vi. +11, § 2; <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> John of the Cross, +<cite>Spiritual Canticle</cite>, <abbr title="stanza">st.</abbr> 1, +p. 22, Engl. trans.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l29note11">11</a>. <a +href="#l29.10">§ 10</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l29note12">12</a>. Psalm xli. 2: "As the +longing of the hart for the fountains of waters, so is the longing of +my soul for Thee, O my God."</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l29note13">13</a>. <a href="#l27.3">Ch. +xxvii. § 3</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l29note14">14</a>. In the <abbr +title="manuscript">MS.</abbr> of the Saint preserved in the Escurial, +the word is "cherubines;" but all the editors before Don +Vicente de la Fuente have adopted the suggestion, in the margin, of +Bañes, who preferred "seraphim." <abbr +title="Father">F.</abbr> Bouix, in his translation, corrected the +mistake; but, with his usual modesty, did not call the reader's +attention to it.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l29note15">15</a>. See <a +href="#r8.16"><cite>Relation</cite>, viii. +§ 16</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l29note16">16</a>. "The most probable opinion +is, that the piercing of the heart of the Saint took place in 1559. +The hymn which she composed on that occasion was discovered in Seville +in 1700 (<span lang="es">"En las internas entrañas"</span>). +On the high altar of the Carmelite church in Alba de Tormes, the heart +of the Saint thus pierced is to be seen; and I have seen it myself +more than once" (<cite>De la Fuente</cite>).</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l29note17">17</a>. <cite +lang="la"><abbr title="Breviarium Romanum">Brev. Rom.</abbr></cite> +<span lang="la">in <abbr title="festo">fest.</abbr> <abbr +title="Sanctae">S.</abbr> Teresiæ</span>, Oct. 15, Lect. v.: <span +lang="la">"Tanto autem divini amoris incendio cor ejus +conflagravit, ut merito viderit Angelum ignito jaculo sibi præcordia +transverberantem."</span> The Carmelites keep the feast of this +piercing of the Saint's heart on the 27th of August.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l29note18">18</a>. <a href="#l20.11">Ch. +xx. § 11</a>.</small></p> +<hr title="Text"> +<h3><a name="l30.0">Chapter XXX.</a></h3> +<p><big><abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Peter of Alcantara Comforts the +Saint. Great Temptations and Interior Trials.</big></p> +<p><a name="l30.1">1</a>. When I saw that I was able to do little or +nothing towards avoiding these great impetuosities, I began also to be +afraid of them, because I could not understand how this pain and joy +could subsist together. I knew it was possible enough for bodily pain +and spiritual joy to dwell together; but the coexistence of a +spiritual pain so excessive as this, and of joy so deep, troubled my +understanding. Still, I tried to continue my resistance; but I was so +little able, that I was now and then wearied. I used to take up the +cross for protection, and try to defend myself against Him who, by the +cross, is the Protector of us all. I saw that no one understood me. +I saw it very clearly myself, but I did not dare to say so to any one +except my confessor; for that would have been a real admission that I +had no humility.</p> +<p><a name="l30.2">2</a>. Our Lord was pleased to succour me in a +great measure,--and, for the moment, altogether,--by bringing to the +place where I was that blessed friar, Peter of Alcantara. Of him I +spoke before, and said something of his +penance. [<a href="#l30note1">1</a>] Among other things, I have been +assured that he wore continually, for twenty years, a girdle made of +iron. [<a href="#l30note2">2</a>] He is the author of certain little +books, in Spanish, on prayer, which are now in common use; for, as he +was much exercised therein, his writings are very profitable to those +who are given to prayer. He kept the first rule of the blessed <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Francis in all its rigour, and did those +things besides of which I spoke before.</p> +<p><a name="l30.3">3</a>. When that widow, the servant of God and my +friend, of whom I have already spoken, [<a href="#l30note3">3</a>] knew +that so great a man had come, she took her measures. She knew the +straits I was in, for she was an eye-witness of my afflictions, and +was a great comfort to me. Her faith was so strong, that she could +not help believing that what others said was the work of the devil was +really the work of the Spirit of God; and as she is a person of great +sense and great caution, and one to whom our Lord is very bountiful in +prayer, it pleased His Majesty to let her see what learned men failed +to discern. My confessors gave me leave to accept relief in some +things from her, because in many ways she was able to afford it. Some +of those graces which our Lord bestowed on me fell to her lot +occasionally, together with instructions most profitable for her soul. +So, then, when she knew that the blessed man was come, without saying +a word to me, she obtained leave from the Provincial for me to stay +eight days in her house, in order that I might the more easily confer +with him. In that house, and in one church or another, I had many +conversations with him the first time he came here; for, afterwards, I +had many communications with him at diverse times.</p> +<p><a name="l30.4">4</a>. I gave him an account, as briefly as I +could, of my life, and of my way of prayer, with the utmost clearness +in my power. I have always held to this, to be perfectly frank and +exact with those to whom I make known the state of my +soul. [<a href="#l30note4">4</a>] Even my first impulses I wish them +to know; and as for doubtful and suspicious matters, I used to make +the most of them by arguing against myself. Thus, then, without +equivocation or concealment, I laid before him the state of my soul. +I saw almost at once that he understood me, by reason of his own +experience. That was all I required; for at that time I did not know +myself as I do now,so as to give an account of my state. It was at a +later time that God enabled me to understand myself, and describe the +graces which His Majesty bestows upon me. It was necessary, then, +that he who would clearly understand and explain my state should have +had experience of it himself.</p> +<p><a name="l30.5">5</a>. The light he threw on the matter was of the +clearest; for as to these visions, at least, which were not imaginary, +I could not understand how they could be. And it seemed that I could +not understand, too, how those could be which I saw with the eyes of +the soul; for, as I said before, [<a href="#l30note5">5</a>] those +visions only seemed to me to be of consequence which were seen with +the bodily eyes: and of these I had none. The holy man enlightened me +on the whole question, explained it to me, and bade me not to be +distressed, but to praise God, and to abide in the full conviction +that this was the work of the Spirit of God; for, saving the faith, +nothing could be more true, and there was nothing on which I could +more firmly rely. He was greatly comforted in me, was most kind and +serviceable, and ever afterwards took great care of me, and told me of +his own affairs and labours; and when he saw that I had those very +desires which in himself were fulfilled already,--for our Lord had +given me very strong desires,--and also how great my resolution was, +he delighted in conversing with me.</p> +<p><a name="l30.6">6</a>. To a person whom our Lord has raised to this +state, there is no pleasure or comfort equal to that of meeting with +another whom our Lord has begun to raise in the same way. At that +time, however, it must have been only a beginning with me, as I +believe; and God grant I may not have gone back now. He was extremely +sorry for me. He told me that one of the greatest trials in this +world was that which I had borne,--namely, the contradiction of good +people, [<a href="#l30note6">6</a>]--and that more was in reserve for +me: I had need, therefore, of some one--and there was no one in this +city--who understood me; but he would speak to my confessor, and to +that married nobleman, already spoken of, [<a href="#l30note7">7</a>] +who was one of those who tormented me most, and who, because of his +great affection for me, was the cause of all these attacks. He was a +holy but timid man, and could not feel safe about me, because he had +seen how wicked I was, and that not long before. The holy man did so; +he spoke to them both, explained the matter, and gave them reasons why +they should reassure themselves, and disturb me no more. My confessor +was easily satisfied,--not so the nobleman; for though they were not +enough to keep him quiet, yet they kept him in some measure from +frightening me so much as he used to do.</p> +<p><a name="l30.7">7</a>. We made an agreement that I should write to +him and tell him how it fared with me, for the future, and that we +should pray much for each other. Such was his humility, that he held +to the prayers of a wretch like me. It made me very much ashamed of +myself. He left me in the greatest consolation and joy, bidding me +continue my prayer with confidence, and without any doubt that it was +the work of God. If I should have any doubts, for my greater +security, I was to make them known to my confessor, and, having done +so, be in peace. Nevertheless, I was not able at all to feel that +confidence, for our Lord was leading me by the way of fear; and so, +when they told me that the devil had power over me, I believed them. +Thus, then, not one of them was able to inspire me with confidence on +the one hand, or fear on the other, in such a way as to make me +believe either of them, otherwise than as our Lord allowed me. +Accordingly, though the holy friar consoled and calmed me, I did not +rely so much on him as to be altogether without fear, particularly +when our Lord forsook me in the afflictions of my soul, of which I +will now speak. Nevertheless, as I have said, I was very +much consoled.</p> +<p><a name="l30.8">8</a>. I could not give thanks enough to God, and +to my glorious father <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Joseph, who +seemed to me to have brought him here. He was the commissary-general +of the custody [<a href="#l30note8">8</a>] of <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Joseph, to whom, and to our Lady, I used to +pray much.</p> +<p><a name="l30.9">9</a>. I suffered at times--and even still, though +not so often--the most grievous trials, together with bodily pains and +afflictions arising from violent sicknesses; so much so, that I could +scarcely control myself. At other times, my bodily sickness was more +grievous; and as I had no spiritual pain, I bore it with great joy: +but, when both pains came upon me together, my distress was so heavy, +that I was reduced to sore straits.</p> +<p><a name="l30.10">10</a>. I forgot all the mercies our Lord had +shown me, and remembered them only as a dream, to my great distress; +for my understanding was so dull, that I had a thousand doubts and +suspicions whether I had ever understood matters aright, thinking that +perhaps all was fancy, and that it was enough for me to have deceived +myself, without also deceiving good men. I looked upon myself as so +wicked as to have been the cause, by my sins, of all the evils and all +the heresies that had sprung up. This is but a false humility, and +Satan invented it for the purpose of disquieting me, and trying +whether he could thereby drive my soul to despair. I have now had so +much experience, that I know this was his work; so he, seeing that I +understand him, does not torment me in the same way as much as he used +to do. That it is his work is clear from the restlessness and +discomfort with which it begins, and the trouble it causes in the soul +while it lasts; from the obscurity and distress, the aridity and +indisposition for prayer and for every good work, which it produces. +It seems to stifle the soul and trammel the body, so as to make them +good for nothing.</p> +<p><a name="l30.11">11</a>. Now, though the soul acknowledges itself +to be miserable, and though it is painful to us to see ourselves as we +are, and though we have most deep convictions of our own +wickedness,--deep as those spoken of just +now, [<a href="#l30note9">9</a>] and really felt,--yet true humility +is not attended with trouble; it does not disturb the soul; it causes +neither obscurity nor aridity: on the contrary, it consoles. It is +altogether different, bringing with it calm, sweetness, and light. It +is no doubt painful; but, on the other hand, it is consoling, because +we see how great is the mercy of our Lord in allowing the soul to have +that pain, and how well the soul is occupied. On the one hand, the +soul grieves over its offences against God; on the other, His +compassion makes it glad. It has light, which makes it ashamed of +itself; and it gives thanks to His Majesty, who has borne with it so +long. That other humility, which is the work of Satan, furnishes no +light for any good work; it pictures God as bringing upon everything +fire and sword; it dwells upon His justice; and the soul's faith in +the mercy of God--for the power of the devil does not reach so far as +to destroy faith--is of such a nature as to give me no consolation: on +the contrary, the consideration of mercies so great helps to increase +the pain, because I look upon myself as bound to render +greater service.</p> +<p><a name="l30.12">12</a>. This invention of Satan is one of the most +painful, subtle, and crafty that I have known him to possess; I should +therefore like to warn you, my father, of it, in order that, if Satan +should tempt you herein, you may have some light, and be aware of his +devices, if your understanding should be left at liberty: because you +must not suppose that learning and knowledge are of any use here; for +though I have none of them myself, yet now that I have escaped out of +his hands I see clearly that this is folly. What I understood by it +is this: that it is our Lord's pleasure to give him leave and license, +as He gave him of old to tempt Job; [<a href="#l30note10">10</a>] +though in my case, because of my wretchedness, the temptation is not +so sharp.</p> +<p><a name="l30.13">13</a>. It happened to me to be tempted once in +this way; and I remember it was on the day before the vigil of Corpus +Christi,--a feast to which I have great devotion, though not so great +as I ought to have. The trial then lasted only till the day of the +feast itself. But, on other occasions, it continued one, two, and +even three weeks and--I know not--perhaps longer. But I was specially +liable to it during the Holy Weeks, when it was my habit to make +prayer my joy. Then the devil seizes on my understanding in a moment; +and occasionally, by means of things so trivial that I should laugh at +them at any other time, he makes it stumble over anything he likes. +The soul, laid in fetters, loses all control over itself, and all +power of thinking of anything but the absurdities he puts before it, +which, being more or less unsubstantial, inconsistent, and +disconnected, serve only to stifle the soul, so that it has no power +over itself; and accordingly--so it seems to me--the devils make a +football of it, and the soul is unable to escape out of their hands. +It is impossible to describe the sufferings of the soul in this state. +It goes about in quest of relief, and God suffers it to find none. +The light of reason, in the freedom of its will, remains, but it is +not clear; it seems to me as if its eyes were covered with a veil. As +a person who, having travelled often by a particular road, knows, +though it be night and dark, by his past experience of it, where he +may stumble, and where he ought to be on his guard against that risk, +because he has seen the place by day, so the soul avoids offending +God: it seems to go on by habit--that is, if we put out of sight the +fact that our Lord holds it by the hand, which is the true explanation +of the matter.</p> +<p><a name="l30.14">14</a>. Faith is then as dead, and asleep, like +all the other virtues; not lost, however,--for the soul truly believes +all that the church holds; but its profession of the faith is hardly +more than an outward profession of the mouth. And, on the other hand, +temptations seem to press it down, and make it dull, so that its +knowledge of God becomes to it as that of something which it hears of +far away. So tepid is its love that, when it hears God spoken of, it +listens and believes that He is what He is, because the Church so +teaches; but it recollects nothing of its own former experience. +Vocal prayer or solitude is only a greater affliction, because the +interior suffering--whence it comes, it knows not--is unendurable, +and, as it seems to me, in some measure a counterpart of hell. So it +is, as our Lord showed me in a vision; [<a href="#l30note11">11</a>] +for the soul itself is then burning in the fire, knowing not who has +kindled it, nor whence it comes, nor how to escape it, nor how to put +it out: if it seeks relief from the fire by spiritual reading, it +cannot find any, just as if it could not read at all. On one +occasion, it occurred to me to read a life of a Saint, that I might +forget myself, and be refreshed with the recital of what he had +suffered. Four or five times, I read as many lines; and, though they +were written in Spanish, I understood them less at the end than I did +when I began: so I gave it up. It so happened to me on more occasions +than one, but I have a more distinct recollection of this.</p> +<p><a name="l30.15">15</a>. To converse with any one is worse, for the +devil then sends so offensive a spirit of bad temper, that I think I +could eat people up; nor can I help myself. I feel that I do +something when I keep myself under control; or rather our Lord does +so, when He holds back with His hand any one in this state from saying +or doing something that may be hurtful to his neighbours and offensive +to God. Then, as to going to our confessor, that is of no use; for +the certain result is--and very often has it happened to me--what I +shall now describe. Though my confessors, with whom I had to do then, +and have to do still, are so holy, they spoke to me and reproved me +with such harshness, that they were astonished at it afterwards when I +told them of it. They said that they could not help themselves; for, +though they had resolved not to use such language, and though they +pitied me also very much,--yea, even had scruples on the subject, +because of my grievous trials of soul and body,--and were, moreover, +determined to console me, they could not refrain. They did not use +unbecoming words--I mean, words offensive to God; yet their words were +the most offensive that could be borne with in confession. They must +have aimed at mortifying me. At other times, I used to delight in +this, and was prepared to bear it; but it was then a torment +altogether. I used to think, too, that I deceived them; so I went to +them, and cautioned them very earnestly to be on their guard against +me, for it might be that I deceived them. I saw well enough that I +would not do so advisedly, nor tell them an +untruth; [<a href="#l30note12">12</a>] but everything made me afraid. +One of them, on one occasion, when he had heard me speak of this +temptation, told me not to distress myself; for, even if I wished to +deceive him, he had sense enough not to be deceived. This gave me +great comfort.</p> +<p><a name="l30.16">16</a>. Sometimes, almost always,--at least, very +frequently,--I used to find rest after Communion; now and then, even, +as I drew near to the most Holy Sacrament, all at once my soul and +body would be so well, that I was amazed. [<a href="#l30note13">13</a>] +It seemed to be nothing else but an instantaneous dispersion of the +darkness that covered my soul: when the sun rose, I saw how silly I +had been.</p> +<p><a name="l30.17">17</a>. On other occasions, if our Lord spoke to +me but one word, saying only, "Be not distressed, have no +fear,"--as I said before, [<a href="#l30note14">14</a>]--I was made +whole at once; or, if I saw a vision, I was as if I had never been +amiss. I rejoiced in God, and made my complaint to Him, because He +permitted me to undergo such afflictions; yet the recompense was +great; for almost always, afterwards, His mercies descended upon me in +great abundance. The soul seemed to come forth as gold out of the +crucible, most refined, and made glorious to behold, our Lord dwelling +within it. These trials afterwards are light, though they once seemed +to be unendurable; and the soul longs to undergo them again, if that +be more pleasing to our Lord. And though trials and persecutions +increase, yet, if we bear them without offending our Lord, rejoicing +in suffering for His sake, it will be all the greater gain: I, +however, do not bear them as they ought to be borne, but rather in a +most imperfect way. At other times, my trials came upon me--they come +still--in another form; and then it seems to me as if the very +possibility of thinking a good thought, or desiring the accomplishment +of it, were utterly taken from me: both soul and body are altogether +useless and a heavy burden. However, when I am in this state, I do not +suffer from the other temptations and disquietudes, but only from a +certain loathing of I know not what, and my soul finds pleasure +in nothing.</p> +<p><a name="l30.18">18</a>. I used to try exterior good works, in +order to occupy myself partly by violence; and I know well how weak a +soul is when grace is hiding itself. It did not distress me much, +because the sight of my own meanness gave me some satisfaction. On +other occasions, I find myself unable to pray or to fix my thoughts +with any distinctness upon God, or anything that is good, though I may +be alone; but I have a sense that I know Him. It is the understanding +and the imagination, I believe, which hurt me here; for it seems to me +that I have a good will, disposed for all good; but the understanding +is so lost, that it seems to be nothing else but a raving lunatic, +which nobody can restrain, and of which I am not mistress enough to +keep it quiet for a minute. [<a href="#l30note15">15</a>]</p> +<p><a name="l30.19">19</a>. Sometimes I laugh at myself, and recognise +my wretchedness: I watch my understanding, and leave it alone to see +what it will do. Glory be to God, for a wonder, it never runs on what +is wrong, but only on indifferent things, considering what is going on +here, or there, or elsewhere. I see then, more and more, the +exceeding great mercy of our Lord to me, when He keeps this lunatic +bound in the chains of perfect contemplation. I wonder what would +happen if those people who think I am good knew of my extravagance. I +am very sorry when I see my soul in such bad company; I long to see it +delivered therefrom, and so I say to our Lord: When, O my God, shall I +see my whole soul praising Thee, that it may have the fruition of Thee +in all its faculties? Let me be no longer, O Lord, thus torn to +pieces, and every one of them, as it were, running in a different +direction. This has been often the case with me, but I think that my +scanty bodily health was now and then enough to bring it about.</p> +<p><a name="l30.20">20</a>. I dwell much on the harm which original +sin has done us; that is, I believe, what has rendered us incapable of +the fruition of so great a good. My sins, too, must be in fault; for, +if I had not committed so many, I should have been more perfect in +goodness. Another great affliction which I suffered was this: all the +books which I read on the subject of prayer, I thought I understood +thoroughly, and that I required them no longer, because our Lord had +given me the gift of prayer. I therefore ceased to read those books, +and applied myself to lives of Saints, thinking that this would +improve me and give me courage; for I found myself very defective in +every kind of service which the Saints rendered unto God. Then it +struck me that I had very little humility, when I could think that I +had attained to this degree of prayer; and so, when I could not come +to any other conclusion, I was greatly distressed, until certain +learned persons, and the blessed friar, Peter of Alcantara, told me +not to trouble myself about the matter.</p> +<p><a name="l30.21">21</a>. I see clearly enough that I have not yet +begun to serve God, though He showers down upon me those very graces +which He gives to many good people. I am a mass of imperfection, +except in desire and in love; for herein I see well that our Lord has +been gracious to me, in order that I may please Him in some measure. +I really think that I love Him; but my conduct, and the many +imperfections I discern in myself, make me sad.</p> +<p><a name="l30.22">22</a>. My soul, also, is subject occasionally to +a certain foolishness,--that is the right name to give it,--when I +seem to be doing neither good nor evil, but following in the wake of +others, as they say, without pain or pleasure, indifferent to life and +death, pleasure and pain. I seem to have no feeling. The soul +seems to me like a little ass, which feeds and thrives, because it +accepts the food which is given it, and eats it without reflection. +The soul in this state must be feeding on some great mercies of God, +seeing that its miserable life is no burden to it, and that it bears +it patiently but it is conscious of no sensible movements or results, +whereby it may ascertain the state it is in.</p> +<p><a name="l30.23">23</a>. It seems to me now like sailing with a +very gentle wind, when one makes much way without knowing how; for in +the other states, so great are the effects, that the soul sees almost +at once an improvement in itself, because the desires instantly are on +fire, and the soul is never satisfied. This comes from those great +impetuosities of love, spoken of before, [<a href="#l30note16">16</a>] +in those to whom God grants them. It is like those little wells I +have seen flowing, wherein the upheaving of the sand never ceases. +This illustration and comparison seem to me to be a true description +of those souls who attain to this state; their love is ever active, +thinking what it may do; it cannot contain itself, as the water +remains not in the earth, but is continually welling upwards. So is +the soul, in general; it is not at rest, nor can it contain itself, +because of the love it has: it is so saturated therewith, that it +would have others drink of it, because there is more than enough for +itself, in order that they might help it to praise God.</p> +<p><a name="l30.24">24</a>. I call to remembrance--oh, how +often!--that living water of which our Lord spoke to the Samaritan +woman. That Gospel [<a href="#l30note17">17</a>] has a great attraction +for me; and, indeed, so it had even when I was a little child, though +I did not understand it then as I do now. I used to pray much to our +Lord for that living water; and I had always a picture of it, +representing our Lord at the well, with this inscription, <span +lang="la">"Domine, da +mihi aquam."</span> [<a href="#l30note18">18</a>]</p> +<p><a name="l30.25">25</a>. This love is also like a great fire, which +requires fuel continually, in order that it may not burn out. So +those souls I am speaking of, however much it may cost them, will +always bring fuel, in order that the fire may not be quenched. As for +me, I should be glad, considering what I am, if I had but straw even +to throw upon it. And so it is with me occasionally--and, indeed, +very often. At one time, I laugh at myself; and at another, I am very +much distressed. The inward stirring of my love urges me to do +something for the service of God; and I am not able to do more than +adorn images with boughs and flowers, clean or arrange an oratory, or +some such trifling acts, so that I am ashamed of myself. If I +undertook any penitential practice, the whole was so slight, and was +done in such a way, that if our Lord did not accept my good will, I +saw it was all worthless, and so I laughed at myself. The failure of +bodily strength, sufficient to do something for God, is no light +affliction for those souls to whom He, in His goodness, has +communicated this fire of His love in its fulness. It is a very good +penance; for when souls are not strong enough to heap fuel on this +fire, and die of fear that the fire may go out, it seems to me that +they become fuel themselves, are reduced to ashes, or dissolved in +tears, and burn away: and this is suffering enough, though it +be sweet.</p> +<p><a name="l30.26">26</a>. Let him, then, praise our Lord +exceedingly, who has attained to this state; who has received the +bodily strength requisite for penance; who has learning, ability, and +power to preach, to hear confessions, and to draw souls unto God. +Such a one neither knows nor comprehends the blessing he possesses, +unless he knows by experience what it is to be powerless to serve God +in anything, and at the same time to be receiving much from Him. May +He be blessed for ever, and may the angels glorify Him! Amen.</p> +<p><a name="l30.27">27</a>. I know not if I do well to write so +much in detail. But as you, my father, bade me again not to be +troubled by the minuteness of my account, nor to omit anything, I go +on recounting clearly and truly all I can call to mind. But I must +omit much; for if I did not, I should have to spend more time--and, as +I said before, [<a href="#l30note19">19</a>] I have so little to +spend, and perhaps, after all, nothing will be gained.</p> +<hr title="Notes"> +<p><small><a name="l30note1">1</a>. <a href="#l27.17">Ch. +xxvii. §§ 17, 18, 19</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l30note2">2</a>. <span lang="es">Hoja de +lata</span>, <span lang="es">"cierta hoja de +hierro muy delgada"</span> (Cobarruvias, <cite +lang="es">Tesoro</cite>, <span lang="la">in voce</span>).</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l30note3">3</a>. <a href="#l24.5">Ch. +xxiv. § 5</a>. Doña Guiomar de Ulloa.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l30note4">4</a>. <a href="#l26.5">Ch. +xxvi. § 5</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l30note5">5</a>. <a href="#l7.12">Ch. +vii. § 12</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l30note6">6</a>. See <a +href="#l28.24">ch. xxviii. § 24</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l30note7">7</a>. <a href="#l23.7">Ch. +xxiii. § 7</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l30note8">8</a>. A "custody" is a division +of the province, in the Order of <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Francis, comprising a certain number of +convents.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l30note9">9</a>. <a +href="#l30.10">§ 10</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l30note10">10</a>. Job i.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l30note11">11</a>. See <a +href="#l32.1">ch. xxxii. § 1</a>, &c.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l30note12">12</a>. See <a +href="#l28.6">ch. xxviii. § 6</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l30note13">13</a>. See <cite>Way of +Perfection</cite>, ch. lxi. § 2; but ch. xxxiv. § 8 of the +earlier editions.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l30note14">14</a>. <a href="#l20.21">Ch. +xx. § 21</a>, <a href="#l25.22">ch. xxv. § 22</a>, <a +href="#l26.3">ch. xxvi. § 3</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l30note15">15</a>. <span lang="es">"Un +Credo."</span></small></p> +<p><small><a name="l30note16">16</a>. <a href="#l29.11">Ch. +xxix. § 11</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l30note17">17</a>. <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> +John iv. 5-42: the Gospel of Friday after the Third +Sunday in Lent, where the words are, <span +lang="la">"hanc aquam."</span></small></p> +<p><small><a name="l30note18">18</a>. "Lord, give me this +water" (<abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> John iv. 15). See <a +href="#l1.6">ch. i. § 6</a>; and <cite>Way of +Perfection</cite>, ch. xxix. § 5; ch. xix. § 5 of the +earlier editions.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l30note19">19</a>. <a href="#l14.12">Ch. +xiv. § 12</a>.</small></p> +<hr title="Text"> +<h3><a name="l31.0">Chapter XXXI.</a></h3> +<p><big>Of Certain Outward Temptations and Appearances of Satan. Of +the Sufferings Thereby Occasioned. Counsels for Those Who Go on +Unto Perfection.</big></p> +<p><a name="l31.1">1</a>. Now that I have described certain +temptations and troubles, interior and secret, of which Satan was the +cause, I will speak of others which he wrought almost in public, and +in which his presence could not +be ignored. [<a href="#l31note1">1</a>]</p> +<p><a name="l31.2">2</a>. I was once in an oratory, when Satan, in an +abominable shape, appeared on my left hand. I looked at his mouth in +particular, because he spoke, and it was horrible. A huge flame +seemed to issue out of his body, perfectly bright, without any shadow. +He spoke in a fearful way, and said to me that, though I had escaped +out of his hands, he would yet lay hold of me again. I was in great +terror, made the sign of the cross as well as I could, and then the +form vanished--but it reappeared instantly. This occurred twice; I +did not know what to do; there was some holy water at hand; I took +some, and threw it in the direction of the figure, and then Satan +never returned.</p> +<p><a name="l31.3">3</a>. On another occasion, I was tortured +for five hours with such terrible pains, such inward and outward +sufferings, that it seemed to me as if I could not bear them. Those +who were with me were frightened; they knew not what to do, and I +could not help myself. I am in the habit, when these pains and my +bodily suffering are most unendurable, to make interior acts as well +as I can, imploring our Lord, if it be His will, to give me patience, +and then to let me suffer on, even to the end of the world. So, when +I found myself suffering so cruelly, I relieved myself by making those +acts and resolutions, in order that I might be able to endure the +pain. It pleased our Lord to let me understand that it was the work +of Satan; for I saw close beside me a most frightful little negro, +gnashing his teeth in despair at losing what he attempted to seize. +When I saw him, I laughed, and had no fear; for there were some then +present who were helpless, and knew of no means whereby so great a +pain could be relieved. My body, head, and arms were violently +shaken; I could not help myself: but the worst of all was the interior +pain, for I could find no ease in any way. Nor did I dare to ask for +holy water, lest those who were with me should be afraid, and find out +what the matter really was.</p> +<p><a name="l31.4">4</a>. I know by frequent experience that there is +nothing which puts the devils to flight like holy water. They run +away before the sign of the cross also, but they return immediately: +great, then, must be the power of holy water. As for me, my soul is +conscious of a special and most distinct consolation whenever I take +it. Indeed, I feel almost always a certain refreshing, which I cannot +describe, together with an inward joy, which comforts my whole soul. +This is no fancy, nor a thing which has occurred once only; for it has +happened very often, and I have watched it very carefully. I may +compare what I feel with that which happens to a person in great heat, +and very thirsty, drinking a cup of cold water--his whole being is +refreshed. I consider that everything ordained by the Church is very +important; and I have a joy in reflecting that the words of the Church +are so mighty, that they endow water with power, so that there shall +be so great a difference between holy water and water that has never +been blessed. Then, as my pains did not cease, I told them, if they +would not laugh, I would ask for some holy water. They brought me +some, and sprinkled me with it; but I was no better. I then threw +some myself in the direction of the negro, when he fled in a moment. +All my sufferings ceased, just as if some one had taken them from me +with his hand; only I was wearied, as if I had been beaten with many +blows. It was of great service to me to learn that if, by our Lord's +permission, Satan can do so much evil to a soul and body not in his +power, he can do much more when he has them in his possession. It +gave me a renewed desire to be delivered from a fellowship +so dangerous.</p> +<p><a name="l31.5">5</a>. Another time, and not long ago, the same +thing happened to me, though it did not last so long, and I was alone +at the moment. I asked for holy water; and they who came in after the +devil had gone away,--they were two nuns, worthy of all credit, and +would not tell a lie for anything,--perceived a most offensive smell, +like that of brimstone. I smelt nothing myself; but the odour lasted +long enough to become sensible to them.</p> +<p><a name="l31.6">6</a>. On another occasion, I was in choir, when, +in a moment, I became profoundly recollected. I went out in order +that the sisters might know nothing of it; yet those who were near +heard the sound of heavy blows where I was, and I heard voices myself, +as of persons in consultation, but I did not hear what they said: I +was so absorbed in prayer that I understood nothing, neither was I at +all afraid. This took place almost always when our Lord was pleased +that some soul or other, persuaded by me, advanced in the spiritual +life. Certainly, what I am now about to describe happened to me once; +there are witnesses to testify to it, particularly my present +confessor, for he saw the account in a letter. I did not tell him +from whom the letter came, but he knew perfectly who the +person was.</p> +<p><a name="l31.7">7</a>. There came to me a person who, for two years +and a half, had been living in mortal sin of the most abominable +nature I ever heard. During the whole of that time, he neither +confessed it nor ceased from it; and yet he said Mass. He confessed +his other sins but of this one he used to say, How can I confess so +foul a sin? He wished to give it up, but he could not prevail on +himself to do so. I was very sorry for him, and it was a great grief +to me to see God offended in such a way. I promised him that I would +pray to God for his amendment, and get others who were better than I +to do the same. I wrote to one person, and the priest undertook to +get the letter delivered. It came to pass that he made a full +confession at the first opportunity; for our Lord God was pleased, on +account of the prayers of those most holy persons to whom I had +recommended him, to have pity on this soul. I, too, wretched as I am, +did all I could for the same end.</p> +<p><a name="l31.8">8</a>. He wrote to me, and said that he was so far +improved, that he had not for some days repeated his sin; but he was +so tormented by the temptation, that it seemed to him as if he were in +hell already, so great were his sufferings. He asked me to pray to +God for him. I recommended him to my sisters, through whose prayers I +must have obtained this mercy from our Lord; for they took the matter +greatly to heart; and he was a person whom no one could find out. I +implored His Majesty to put an end to these torments and temptations, +and to let the evil spirits torment me instead, provided I did not +offend our Lord. Thus it was that for one month I was most +grievously tormented; and then it was that these two assaults of +Satan, of which I have just spoken, took place.</p> +<p><a name="l31.9">9</a>. Our Lord was pleased to deliver him out of +this temptation, so I was informed; for I told him what happened to +myself that month. His soul gained strength, and he continued free; +he could never give thanks enough to our Lord and to me as if I had +been of any service--unless it be that the belief he had that our Lord +granted me such graces was of some advantage to him. He said that, +when he saw himself in great straits, he would read my letters, and +then the temptation left him. He was very much astonished at my +sufferings, and at the manner of his own deliverance: even I myself am +astonished, and I would suffer as much for many years for the +deliverance of that soul. May our Lord be praised for ever! for the +prayers of those who serve Him can do great things; and I believe the +sisters of this house do serve Him. The devils must have been more +angry with me only because I asked them to pray, and because our Lord +permitted it on account of my sins. At that time, too, I thought the +evil spirits would have suffocated me one night, and when the sisters +threw much holy water about I saw a great troop of them rush away as +if tumbling over a precipice. These cursed spirits have tormented me +so often, and I am now so little afraid of them,--because I see they +cannot stir without our Lord's permission,--that I should weary both +you, my father, and myself, if I were to speak of these things +in detail.</p> +<p><a name="l31.10">10</a>. May this I have written be of use to the +true servant of God, who ought to despise these terrors, which Satan +sends only to make him afraid! Let him understand that each time we +despise those terrors, their force is lessened, and the soul gains +power over them. There is always some great good obtained; but I will +not speak of it, that I may not be too diffuse. I will speak, +however, of what happened to me once on the night of All Souls. I was +in an oratory, and, having said one Nocturn, was saying some very +devotional prayers at the end of our Breviary, when Satan put himself +on the book before me, to prevent my finishing my prayer. I made the +sign of the cross, and he went away. I then returned to my prayer, and +he, too, came back; he did so, I believe, three times, and I was not +able to finish the prayer without throwing holy water at him. I saw +certain souls at that moment come forth out of purgatory--they must +have been near their deliverance, and I thought that Satan might in +this way have been trying to hinder their release. It is very rarely +that I saw Satan assume a bodily form; I know of his presence through +the vision I have spoken of before, [<a href="#l31note2">2</a>] the +vision wherein no form is seen.</p> +<p><a name="l31.11">11</a>. I wish also to relate what follows, for I +was greatly alarmed at it: on Trinity Sunday, in the choir of a +certain monastery, and in a trance, I saw a great fight between evil +spirits and the angels. I could not make out what the vision meant. +In less than a fortnight, it was explained clearly enough by the +dispute that took place between persons given to prayer and many who +were not, which did great harm to that house; for it was a dispute +that lasted long and caused much trouble. On another occasion, I saw +a great multitude of evil spirits round about me, and, at the same +time, a great light, in which I was enveloped, which kept them from +coming near me. I understood it to mean that God was watching over +me, that they might not approach me so as to make me offend Him. I +knew the vision was real by what I saw occasionally in myself. The +fact is, I know now how little power the evil spirits have, provided I +am not out of the grace of God; I have scarcely any fear of them at +all, for their strength is as nothing, if they do not find the souls +they assail give up the contest, and become cowards; it is in this +case that they show their power.</p> +<p><a name="l31.12">12</a>. Now and then, during the temptations I am +speaking of, it seemed to me as if all my vanity and weakness in times +past had become alive again within me; so I had reason enough to +commit myself into the hands of God. Then I was tormented by the +thought that, as these things came back to my memory, I must be +utterly in the power of Satan, until my confessor consoled me; for I +imagined that even the first movement towards an evil thought ought +not to have come near one who had received from our Lord such great +graces as I had.</p> +<p><a name="l31.13">13</a>. At other times, I was much tormented--and +even now I am tormented--when I saw people make much of me, +particularly great people, and when they spake well of me. I have +suffered, and still suffer, much in this way. I think at once of the +life of Christ and of the Saints, and then my life seems the reverse +of theirs, for they received nothing but contempt and ill-treatment. +All this makes me afraid; I dare not lift up my head, and I wish +nobody saw me at all. It is not thus with me when I am persecuted; +then my soul is so conscious of strength, though the body suffers, and +though I am in other ways afflicted, that I do not know how this can +be; but so it is,--and my soul seems then to be a queen in its +kingdom, having everything under its feet.</p> +<p><a name="l31.14">14</a>. I had such a thought now and then--and, +indeed, for many days together. I regarded it as a sign of virtue and +of humility; but I see clearly now it was nothing else but a +temptation. A Dominican friar, of great learning, showed it to me +very plainly. When I considered that the graces which our Lord had +bestowed upon me might come to the knowledge of the public, my +sufferings became so excessive as greatly to disturb my soul. They +went so far, that I made up my mind, while thinking of it, that I +would rather be buried alive than have these things known. And so, +when I began to be profoundly recollected, or to fall into a trance, +which I could not resist even in public, I was so ashamed of myself, +that I would not appear where people might see me.</p> +<p><a name="l31.15">15</a>. Once, when I was much distressed at this, +our Lord said to me, What was I afraid of? one of two things must +happen--people would either speak ill of me, or give glory to Him. He +made me understand by this, that those who believed in the truth of +what was going on in me would glorify Him; and that those who did not +would condemn me without cause: in both ways I should be the gainer, +and I was therefore not to distress myself. [<a href="#l31note3">3</a>] +This made me quite calm, and it comforts me whenever I think +of it.</p> +<p><a name="l31.16">16</a>. This temptation became so excessive, that +I wished to leave the house, and take my dower to another monastery, +where enclosure was more strictly observed than in that wherein I was +at this time. I had heard great things of that other house, which was +of the same Order as mine; it was also at a great distance, and it +would have been a great consolation to me to live where I was not +known; but my confessor would never let me go. These fears deprived +me in a great measure of all liberty of spirit; and I understood +afterwards that this was not true humility, because it disturbed me so +much. And our Lord taught me this truth; if I was convinced, and +certainly persuaded, that all that was good in me came wholly and only +from God, and if it did not distress me to hear the praises of +others,--yea, rather, if I was pleased and comforted when I saw that +God was working in them,--then neither should I be distressed if He +showed forth His works in me.</p> +<p><a name="l31.17">17</a>. I fell, too, into another extreme. I +begged of God, and made it a particular subject of prayer, that it +might please His Majesty, whenever any one saw any good in me, that +such a one might also become acquainted with my sins, in order that he +might see that His graces were bestowed on me without any merit on my +part: and I always greatly desire this. My confessor told me not to +do it. But almost to this day, if I saw that any one thought well of +me, I used in a roundabout way, or any how, as I could, to contrive he +should know of my sins: [<a href="#l31note4">4</a>] that seemed to +relieve me. But they have made me very scrupulous on this point. +This, it appears to me, was not an effect of humility, but oftentimes +the result of temptation. It seemed to me that I was deceiving +everybody--though, in truth, they deceived themselves, by thinking +that there was any good in me. [<a href="#l31note5">5</a>] I did not +wish to deceive them, nor did I ever attempt it, only our Lord +permitted it for some end; and so, even with my confessors, I never +discussed any of these matters if I did not see the necessity of it, +for that would have occasioned very considerable scruples.</p> +<p><a name="l31.18">18</a>. All these little fears and distresses, and +semblance of humility, I now see clearly were mere imperfections, and +the result of my unmortified life; for a soul left in the hands of God +cares nothing about evil or good report, if it clearly comprehends, +when our Lord is pleased to bestow upon it His grace, that it has +nothing of its own. Let it trust the Giver; it will know hereafter +why He reveals His gifts, and prepare itself for persecution, which in +these times is sure to come, when it is our Lord's will it should be +known of any one that He bestows upon him graces such as these; for a +thousand eyes are watching that soul, while a thousand souls of +another order are observed of none. In truth, there was no little +ground for fear, and that fear should have been mine: I was therefore +not humble, but a coward; for a soul which God permits to be thus seen +of men may well prepare itself to be the world's martyr--because, if +it will not die to the world voluntarily, that very world will +kill it.</p> +<p><a name="l31.19">19</a>. Certainly, I see nothing in the world that +seems to me good except this, that it tolerates no faults in good +people, and helps them to perfection by dint of complaints against +them. I mean, that it requires greater courage in one not yet perfect +to walk in the way of perfection than to undergo an instant martyrdom; +for perfection is not attained to at once, unless our Lord grant that +grace by a special privilege: yet the world, when it sees any one +beginning to travel on that road, insists on his becoming perfect at +once, and a thousand leagues off detects in him a fault, which after +all may be a virtue. He who finds fault is doing the very same +thing,--but, in his own case, viciously,--and he pronounces it to be +so wrong in the other. He who aims at perfection, then, must neither +eat nor sleep,--nor, as they say, even breathe; and the more men +respect such a one, the more do they forget that he is still in the +body; and, though they may consider him perfect, he is living on the +earth, subject to its miseries, however much he may tread them under +his feet. And so, as I have just said, great courage is necessary here +for, though the poor soul have not yet begun to walk, the world will +have it fly; and, though its passions be not wholly overcome, men will +have it that they must be under restraint, even upon trying occasions, +as those of the Saints are, of whom they read, after they are +confirmed in grace.</p> +<p><a name="l31.20">20</a>. All this is a reason for praising God, and +also for great sorrow of heart, because very many go backwards who, +poor souls, know not how to help themselves; and I too, I believe, +would have gone back also, if our Lord had not so mercifully on His +part done everything for me. And until He, of His goodness, had done +all, nothing was done by me, as you, my father, may have seen already, +beyond falling and rising again. I wish I knew how to explain it, +because many souls, I believe, delude themselves in this matter; they +would fly before God gives them wings.</p> +<p><a name="l31.21">21</a>. I believe I have made this comparison on +another occasion, [<a href="#l31note6">6</a>] but it is to the purpose +here, for I see certain souls are very greatly afflicted on that +ground. When these souls begin, with great fervour, courage, and +desire, to advance in virtue,--some of them, at least outwardly, +giving up all for God,--when they see in others, more advanced than +themselves, greater fruits of virtue given them by our Lord,--for we +cannot acquire these of ourselves,--when they see in all the books +written on prayer and on contemplation an account of what we have to +do in order to attain thereto, but which they cannot accomplish +themselves,--they lose heart. For instance, they read that we must +not be troubled when men speak ill of us, that we are to be then more +pleased than when they speak well of us; that we must despise our own +good name, be detached from our kindred; avoid their company, which +should be wearisome to us, unless they be given to prayer; with many +other things of the same kind. The disposition to practise this must +be, in my opinion, the gift of God; for it seems to me a supernatural +good, contrary to our natural inclinations. Let them not distress +themselves; let them trust in our Lord: what they now desire, His +Majesty will enable them to attain to by prayer, and by doing what +they can themselves; for it is very necessary for our weak nature that +we should have great confidence, that we should not be fainthearted, +nor suppose that, if we do our best, we shall fail to obtain the +victory at last. And as my experience here is large, I will say, by +way of caution to you, my father, do not think--though it may seem +so--that a virtue is acquired when we have not tested it by its +opposing vice: we must always be suspicious of ourselves, and never +negligent while we live; for much evil clings to us if, as I said +before, [<a href="#l31note7">7</a>] grace be not given to us fully to +understand what everything is: and in this life there is nothing +without great risks.</p> +<p><a name="l31.22">22</a>. I thought a few years ago, not only that I +was detached from my kindred, but that they were a burden to me; and +certainly it was so, for I could not endure their conversation. An +affair of some importance had to be settled, and I had to remain with +a sister of mine, for whom I had always before had a great affection. +The conversation we had together, though she is better than I am, did +not please me; for it could not always be on subjects I preferred, +owing to the difference of our conditions--she being married. I was +therefore as much alone as I could; yet I felt that her troubles gave +me more trouble than did those of my neighbours, and even some +anxiety. In short, I found out that I was not so detached as I +thought, and that it was necessary for me to flee from dangerous +occasions, in order that the virtue which our Lord had begun to +implant in me might grow; and so, by His help, I have striven to do +from that time till now.</p> +<p><a name="l31.23">23</a>. If our Lord bestows any virtue upon us, we +must make much of it, and by no means run the risk of losing it; so it +is in those things which concern our good name, and many other +matters. You, my father, must believe that we are not all of us +detached, though we think we are; it is necessary for us never to be +careless on this point. If any one detects in himself any tenderness +about his good name, and yet wishes to advance in the spiritual life, +let him believe me and throw this embarrassment behind his back, for +it is a chain which no file can sever; only the help of God, obtained +by prayer and much striving on his part, can do it. It seems to me to +be a hindrance on the road, and I am astonished at the harm it does. +I see some persons so holy in their works, and they are so great as to +fill people with wonder. O my God, why is their soul still on the +earth? Why has it not arrived at the summit of perfection? What does +it mean? What keeps him back who does so much for God? Oh, there it +is!--self-respect! and the worst of it is, that these persons will not +admit that they have it, merely because Satan now and then convinces +them that they are under an obligation to observe it.</p> +<p><a name="l31.24">24</a>. Well, then, let them believe me: for the +love of our Lord, let them give heed to the little ant, who speaks +because it is His pleasure. If they take not this caterpillar away, +though it does not hurt the whole tree, because some virtues remain, +the worm will eat into every one of them. Not only is the tree not +beautiful, but it also never thrives, neither does it suffer the +others near it to thrive; for the fruit of good example which it bears +is not sound, and endures but a short time. I say it again and again, +let our self-respect be ever so slight, it will have the same result +as the missing of a note on the organ when it is played,--the whole +music is out of tune. It is a thing which hurts the soul exceedingly +in every way, but it is a pestilence in the way of prayer.</p> +<p><a name="l31.25">25</a>. Are we striving after union with God? and +do we wish to follow the counsels of Christ,--who was loaded with +reproaches and falsely accused,--and, at the same time, to keep our +own reputation and credit untouched? We cannot succeed, for these +things are inconsistent one with another. Our Lord comes to the soul +when we do violence to ourselves, and strive to give up our rights in +many things. Some will say, I have nothing that I can give up, nor +have I any opportunity of doing so. I believe that our Lord will +never suffer any one who has made so good a resolution as this to miss +so great a blessing. His Majesty will make so many arrangements for +him, whereby he may acquire this virtue,--more frequently, perhaps, +than he will like. Let him put his hand to the work. I speak of the +little nothings and trifles which I gave up when I began--or, at +least, of some of them: the straws which I +said [<a href="#l31note8">8</a>] I threw into the fire; for I am not +able to do more. All this our Lord accepted: may He be blessed +for evermore!</p> +<p><a name="l31.26">26</a>. One of my faults was this: I had a very +imperfect knowledge of my Breviary and of my duties in choir, simply +because I was careless and given to vanities; and I knew the other +novices could have taught me. But I never asked them, that they might +not know how little I knew. It suggested itself to me at once, that I +ought to set a good example: this is very common. Now, however, that +God has opened my eyes a little, even when I know a thing, but yet am +very slightly in doubt about it, I ask the children. I have lost +neither honour nor credit by it--on the contrary, I believe our Lord +has been pleased to strengthen my memory. My singing of the Office +was bad, and I felt it much if I had not learned the part intrusted to +me,--not because I made mistakes before our Lord, which would have +been a virtue, but because I made them before the many nuns who heard +me. I was so full of my own reputation, that I was disturbed, and +therefore did not sing what I had to sing even so well as I might have +done. Afterwards, I ventured, when I did not know it very well, to +say so. At first, I felt it very much; but afterwards I found +pleasure in doing it. So, when I began to be indifferent about its +being known that I could not sing well, it gave me no pain at all, and +I sang much better. This miserable self-esteem took from me the power +of doing that which I regarded as an honour, for every one regards as +honourable that which he likes.</p> +<p><a name="l31.27">27</a>. By trifles such as these, which are +nothing,--and I am altogether nothing myself, seeing that this gave me +pain,--by little and little, doing such actions, and by such slight +performances,--they become of worth because done for God,--His Majesty +helps us on towards greater things; and so it happened to me in the +matter of humility. When I saw that all the nuns except myself were +making great progress,--I was always myself good for nothing,--I used +to fold up their mantles when they left the choir. I looked on myself +as doing service to angels who had been there praising God. I did so +till they--I know not how--found it out; and then I was not a little +ashamed, because my virtue was not strong enough to bear that they +should know of it. But the shame arose, not because I was humble, but +because I was afraid they would laugh at me, the matter being +so trifling.</p> +<p><a name="l31.28">28</a>. O Lord, what a shame for me to lay bare so +much wickedness, and to number these grains of sand, which yet I did +not raise up from the ground in Thy service without mixing them with a +thousand meannesses! The waters of Thy grace were not as yet flowing +beneath them, so as to make them ascend upwards. O my Creator, oh, +that I had anything worth recounting amid so many evil things, when I +am recounting the great mercies I received at Thy hands! So it is, O +my Lord. I know not how my heart could have borne it, nor how any one +who shall read this can help having me in abhorrence when he sees that +mercies so great had been so ill-requited, and that I have not been +ashamed to speak of these services. Ah! they are only mine, O my +Lord; but I am ashamed I have nothing else to say of myself; and that +it is that makes me speak of these wretched beginnings, in order that +he who has begun more nobly may have hope that our Lord, who has made +much of mine, will make more of his. May it please His Majesty to +give me this grace, that I may not remain for ever at the +beginning! Amen. [<a href="#l31note9">9</a>]</p> +<hr title="Notes"> +<p><small><a name="l31note1">1</a>. 2 Cor. ii. 11: <span +lang="la">"Non enim ignoramus +cogitationes ejus."</span></small></p> +<p><small><a name="l31note2">2</a>. <a href="#l27.4">Ch. +xxvii. § 4</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l31note3">3</a>. See <cite>Inner Fortress</cite>, +vi. ch. iv. § 12.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l31note4">4</a>. <cite>Way of Perfection</cite>, +ch. lxv. § 2; but ch. xxxvi. of the previous editions.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l31note5">5</a>. See <a +href="#l10.10">ch. x. § 10</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l31note6">6</a>. <a href="#l13.3">Ch. +xiii. § 3</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l31note7">7</a>. <a href="#l20.38">Ch. +xx. § 38</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l31note8">8</a>. <a href="#l30.25">Ch. +xxx. § 25</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l31note9">9</a>. Don Vicente de la Fuente thinks +the first "Life" ended here; that which follows was written +under obedience to her confessor, F. Garcia of Toledo, and after the +foundation of the monastery of <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Joseph, Avila.</small></p> +<hr title="Text"> +<h3><a name="l32.0">Chapter XXXII.</a></h3> +<p><big>Our Lord Shows <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Teresa the Place +Which She Had by Her Sins Deserved in Hell. The Torments There. How +the Monastery of <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Joseph +Was Founded.</big></p> +<p><a name="l32.1">1</a>. Some considerable time after our Lord had +bestowed upon me the graces I have been describing, and others also of +a higher nature, I was one day in prayer when I found myself in a +moment, without knowing how, plunged apparently into hell. I +understood that it was our Lord's will I should see the place which +the devils kept in readiness for me, and which I had deserved by my +sins. It was but a moment, but it seems to me impossible I should +ever forget it even if I were to live many years.</p> +<p><a name="l32.2">2</a>. The entrance seemed to be by a long narrow +pass, like a furnace, very low, dark, and close. The ground seemed to +be saturated with water, mere mud, exceedingly foul, sending forth +pestilential odours, and covered with loathsome vermin. At the end +was a hollow place in the wall, like a closet, and in that I saw +myself confined. All this was even pleasant to behold in comparison +with what I felt there. There is no exaggeration in what I +am saying.</p> +<p><a name="l32.3">3</a>. But as to what I then felt, I do not know +where to begin, if I were to describe it; it is utterly inexplicable. +I felt a fire in my soul. I cannot see how it is possible to describe +it. My bodily sufferings were unendurable. I have undergone most +painful sufferings in this life, and, as the physicians say, the +greatest that can be borne, such as the contraction of my sinews when +I was paralysed, [<a href="#l32note1">1</a>] without speaking of others +of different kinds, yea, even those of which I have also +spoken, [<a href="#l32note2">2</a>] inflicted on me by Satan; +yet all these were as nothing in comparison with what I felt then, +especially when I saw that there would be no intermission, nor any end +to them.</p> +<p><a name="l32.4">4</a>. These sufferings were nothing in comparison +with the anguish of my soul, a sense of oppression, of stifling, and +of pain so keen, accompanied by so hopeless and cruel an infliction, +that I know not how to speak of it. If I said that the soul is +continually being torn from the body, it would be nothing, for that +implies the destruction of life by the hands of another but here it is +the soul itself that is tearing itself in pieces. I cannot describe +that inward fire or that despair, surpassing all torments and all +pain. I did not see who it was that tormented me, but I felt myself +on fire, and torn to pieces, as it seemed to me; and, I repeat it, +this inward fire and despair are the greatest torments of all.</p> +<p><a name="l32.5">5</a>. Left in that pestilential place, and utterly +without the power to hope for comfort, I could neither sit nor lie +down: there was no room. I was placed as it were in a hole in the +wall; and those walls, terrible to look on of themselves, hemmed me in +on every side. I could not breathe. There was no light, but all was +thick darkness. I do not understand how it is; though there was no +light, yet everything that can give pain by being seen +was visible.</p> +<p><a name="l32.6">6</a>. Our Lord at that time would not let me see +more of hell. Afterwards, I had another most fearful vision, in which +I saw the punishment of certain sins. They were most horrible to look +at; but, because I felt none of the pain, my terror was not so great. +In the former vision, our Lord made me really feel those torments, and +that anguish of spirit, just as if I had been suffering them in the +body there. I know not how it was, but I understood distinctly that +it was a great mercy that our Lord would have me see with mine own +eyes the very place from which His compassion saved me. I have +listened to people speaking of these things, and I have at other times +dwelt on the various torments of hell, though not often, because my +soul made no progress by the way of fear; and I have read of the +diverse tortures, and how the devils tear the flesh with red-hot +pincers. But all is as nothing before this; it is a wholly different +matter. In short, the one is a reality, the other a picture; and all +burning here in this life is as nothing in comparison with the fire +that is there.</p> +<p><a name="l32.7">7</a>. I was so terrified by that vision,--and that +terror is on me even now while I am writing,--that, though it took +place nearly six years ago, [<a href="#l32note3">3</a>] the natural +warmth of my body is chilled by fear even now when I think of it. And +so, amid all the pain and suffering which I may have had to bear, I +remember no time in which I do not think that all we have to suffer in +this world is as nothing. It seems to me that we complain without +reason. I repeat it, this vision was one of the grandest mercies of +our Lord. It has been to me of the greatest service, because it has +destroyed my fear of trouble and of the contradiction of the world, +and because it has made me strong enough to bear up against them, and +to give thanks to our Lord, who has been my Deliverer, as it now seems +to me, from such fearful and everlasting pains.</p> +<p><a name="l32.8">8</a>. Ever since that time, as I was saying, +everything seems endurable in comparison with one instant of suffering +such as those I had then to bear in hell. I am filled with fear when +I see that, after frequently reading books which describe in some +manner the pains of hell, I was not afraid of them, nor made any +account of them. Where was I? How could I possibly take any pleasure +in those things which led me directly to so dreadful a place? Blessed +for ever be Thou, O my God! and, oh, how manifest is it that Thou +didst love me much more than I did love Thee! How often, O Lord, +didst Thou save me from that fearful prison! and how I used to get +back to it contrary to Thy will.</p> +<p><a name="l32.9">9</a>. It was that vision that filled me with the +very great distress which I feel at the sight of so many lost +souls,--especially of the Lutherans,--for they were once members of +the Church by baptism,--and also gave me the most vehement desires for +the salvation of souls; for certainly I believe that, to save even one +from those overwhelming torments, I would most willingly endure many +deaths. If here on earth we see one whom we specially love in great +trouble or pain, our very nature seems to bid us compassionate him; +and if those pains be great, we are troubled ourselves. What, then, +must it be to see a soul in danger of pain, the most grievous of all +pains, for ever? Who can endure it? It is a thought no heart can +bear without great anguish. Here we know that pain ends with life at +last, and that there are limits to it; yet the sight of it moves our +compassion so greatly. That other pain has no ending; and I know not +how we can be calm, when we see Satan carry so many souls +daily away.</p> +<p><a name="l32.10">10</a>. This also makes me wish that, in a matter +which concerns us so much, we did not rest satisfied with doing less +than we can do on our part,--that we left nothing undone. May our +Lord vouchsafe to give us His grace for that end! When I consider +that, notwithstanding my very great wickedness, I took some pains to +please God, and abstained from certain things which I know the world +makes light of,--that, in short, I suffered grievous infirmities, and +with great patience, which our Lord gave me; that I was not inclined +to murmur or to speak ill of anybody; that I could not--I believe +so--wish harm to any one; that I was not, to the best of my +recollection, either avaricious or envious, so as to be grievously +offensive in the sight of God; and that I was free from many other +faults,--for, though so wicked, I had lived constantly in the fear of +God,--I had to look at the very place which the devils kept ready for +me. It is true that, considering my faults, I had deserved a +still heavier chastisement; but for all that, I repeat it, the torment +was fearful, and we run a great risk whenever we please ourselves. No +soul should take either rest or pleasure that is liable to fall every +moment into mortal sin. Let us, then, for the love of God, avoid all +occasions of sin, and our Lord will help us, as He has helped me. May +it please His Majesty never to let me out of His hands, lest I should +turn back and fall, now that I have seen the place where I must dwell +if I do. I entreat our Lord, for His Majesty's sake, never to permit +it. Amen.</p> +<p><a name="l32.11">11</a>. When I had seen this vision, and had +learned other great and hidden things which our Lord, of His goodness, +was pleased to show me,--namely, the joy of the blessed and the +torment of the wicked,--I longed for the way and the means of doing +penance for the great evil I had done, and of meriting in some degree, +so that I might gain so great a good; and therefore I wished to avoid +all society, and to withdraw myself utterly from the world. I was in +spirit restless, yet my restlessness was not harassing, but rather +pleasant. I saw clearly that it was the work of God, and that His +Majesty had furnished my soul with fervour, so that I might be able to +digest other and stronger food than I had been accustomed to eat. I +tried to think what I could do for God, and thought that the first +thing was to follow my vocation to a religious life, which His Majesty +had given me, by keeping my rule in the greatest +perfection possible.</p> +<p><a name="l32.12">12</a>. Though in that house in which I then lived +there were many servants of God, and God was greatly served therein, +yet, because it was very poor, the nuns left it very often and went to +other places, where, however, we could serve God in all honour and +observances of religion. The rule also was kept, not in its original +exactness, but according to the custom of the whole Order, authorised +by the Bull of Mitigation. There were other inconveniences also: we +had too many comforts, as it seemed to me; for the house was large and +pleasant. But this inconvenience of going out, though it was I that +took most advantage of it, was a very grievous one for me; for many +persons, to whom my superiors could not say no, were glad to have me +with them. My superiors, thus importuned, commanded me to visit these +persons; and thus it was so arranged that I could not be long together +in the monastery. Satan, too, must have had a share in this, in order +that I might not be in the house, where I was of great service to +those of my sisters to whom I continually communicated the +instructions which I received from my confessors.</p> +<p><a name="l32.13">13</a>. It occurred once to a person with whom I +was speaking to say to me and the others that it was possible to find +means for the foundation of a monastery, if we were prepared to become +nuns like those of the Barefooted Orders. [<a href="#l32note4">4</a>] +I, having this desire, began to discuss the matter with that widowed +lady who was my companion,--I have spoken of her +before, [<a href="#l32note5">5</a>]--and she had the same wish that I +had. She began to consider how to provide a revenue for the home. I +see now that this was not the way,--only the wish we had to do so made +us think it was; but I, on the other hand, seeing that I took the +greatest delight in the house in which I was then living, because it +was very pleasant to me, and, in my own cell, most convenient for my +purpose, still held back. Nevertheless, we agreed to commit the +matter with all earnestness to God.</p> +<p><a name="l32.14">14</a>. One day, after Communion, our Lord +commanded me to labour with all my might for this end. He made me +great promises,--that the monastery would be certainly built; that He +would take great delight therein; that it should be called <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Joseph's; that <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Joseph would keep guard at one door, and our +Lady at the other; that Christ would be in the midst of us; that the +monastery would be a star shining in great splendour; that, though the +religious Orders were then relaxed, I was not to suppose that He was +scantily served in them,--for what would become of the world, if there +were no religious in it?--I was to tell my confessor what He commanded +me, and that He asked him not to oppose nor thwart me in +the matter.</p> +<p><a name="l32.15">15</a>. So efficacious was the vision, and such +was the nature of the words our Lord spoke to me, that I could not +possibly doubt that they came from Him. I suffered most keenly, +because I saw in part the great anxieties and troubles that the work +would cost me, and I was also very happy in the house I was in then; +and though I used to speak of this matter in past times, yet it was +not with resolution nor with any confidence that the thing could ever +be done. I saw that I was now in a great strait; and when I saw that +I was entering on a work of great anxiety, I hesitated; but our Lord +spoke of it so often to me, and set before me so many reasons and +motives, which I saw could not be gainsaid,--I saw, too, that such was +His will; so I did not dare do otherwise than put the whole matter +before my confessor, and give him an account in writing of all that +took place.</p> +<p><a name="l32.16">16</a>. My confessor did not venture definitely to +bid me abandon my purpose; but he saw that naturally there was no way +of carrying it out; because my friend, who was to do it, had very +little or no means available for that end. He told me to lay the +matter before my superior, [<a href="#l32note6">6</a>] and do what he +might bid me do. I never spoke of my visions to my superior, but that +lady who desired to found the monastery communicated with him. The +Provincial was very much pleased, for he loves the whole Order, gave +her every help that was necessary, and promised to acknowledge the +house. Then there was a discussion about the revenues of the +monastery, and for many reasons we never would allow more than +thirteen sisters together. Before we began our arrangements, we wrote +to the holy friar, Peter of Alcantara, telling him all that was taking +place; and he advised us not to abandon our work, and gave us his +sanction on all points.</p> +<p><a name="l32.17">17</a>. As soon as the affair began to be known +here, there fell upon us a violent persecution, which cannot be very +easily described--sharp sayings and keen jests. People said it was +folly in me, who was so well off in my monastery; as to my friend, the +persecution was so continuous, that it wearied her. I did not know +what to do, and I thought that people were partly in the right. When +I was thus heavily afflicted, I commended myself to God, and His +Majesty began to console and encourage me. He told me that I could +then see what the Saints had to go through who founded the religious +Orders: that I had much heavier persecutions to endure than I could +imagine, but I was not to mind them. He told me also what I was to +say to my friend; and what surprised me most was, that we were +consoled at once as to the past, and resolved to withstand everybody +courageously. And so it came to pass; for among people of prayer, and +indeed in the whole neighbourhood, there was hardly one who was not +against us, and who did not think our work the greatest folly.</p> +<p><a name="l32.18">18</a>. There was so much talking and confusion in +the very monastery wherein I was, that the Provincial began to think +it hard for him to set himself against everybody; so he changed his +mind, and would not acknowledge the new house. He said that the +revenue was not certain, and too little, while the opposition was +great. On the whole, it seemed that he was right; he gave it up at +last, and would have nothing to do with it. It was a very great pain +to us,--for we seemed now to have received the first blow,--and in +particular to me, to find the Provincial against us; for when he +approved of the plan, I considered myself blameless before all. They +would not give absolution to my friend, if she did not abandon the +project; for they said she was bound to remove the scandal.</p> +<p><a name="l32.19">19</a>. She went to a very learned man, and a very +great servant of God, of the Order of <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Dominic, [<a href="#l32note7">7</a>] to whom +she gave an account of all this matter. This was even before the +Provincial had withdrawn his consent; for in this place we had no one +who would give us advice; and so they said that it all proceeded +solely from our obstinacy. That lady gave an account of everything, +and told the holy man how much she received from the property of her +husband. Having, a great desire that he would help us,--for he was +the most learned man here, and there are few in his Order more learned +than he,--I told him myself all we intended to do, and some of my +motives. I never said a word of any revelation whatever, speaking +only of the natural reasons which influenced me; for I would not have +him give an opinion otherwise than on those grounds. He asked us to +give him eight days before he answered, and also if we had made up our +minds to abide by what he might say. I said we had; but though I said +so, and though I thought so, I never lost a certain confidence that +the monastery would be founded. My friend had more faith than I; +nothing they could say could make her give it up. As for myself, +though, as I said, it seemed to me impossible that the work should be +finally abandoned, yet my belief in the truth of the revelation went +no further than in so far as it was not against what is contained in +the sacred writings, nor against the laws of the Church, which we are +bound to keep. Though the revelation seemed to me to have come +really from God, yet, if that learned man had told me that we could +not go on without offending God and going against our conscience, I +believe I should have given it up, and looked out for some other way; +but our Lord showed me no other way than this.</p> +<p><a name="l32.20">20</a>. The servant of God told me afterwards that +he had made up his mind to insist on the abandonment of our project, +for he had already heard the popular cry: moreover, he, as everybody +did, thought it folly; and a certain nobleman also, as soon as he knew +that we had gone to him, had sent him word to consider well what he +was doing, and to give us no help; that when he began to consider the +answer he should make us, and to ponder on the matter, the object we +had in view, our manner of life, and the Order, he became convinced +that it was greatly for the service of God, and that we must not give +it up. Accordingly, his answer was that we should make haste to +settle the matter. He told us how and in what way it was to be done; +and if our means were scanty, we must trust somewhat in God. If +anyone made any objections, they were to go to him--he would answer +them; and in this way he always helped us, as I shall show by +and by. [<a href="#l32note8">8</a>]</p> +<p><a name="l32.21">21</a>. This answer was a great comfort to us; so +also was the conduct of certain holy persons who were usually against +us: they were now pacified, and some of them even helped us. One of +them was the saintly nobleman [<a href="#l32note9">9</a>] of whom I +spoke before; [<a href="#l32note10">10</a>] he looked on it--so, +indeed, it was--as a means of great perfection, because the whole +foundation was laid in prayer. He saw also very many difficulties +before us, and no way out of them,--yet he gave up his own opinion, +and admitted that the work might be of God. Our Lord Himself must +have touched his heart, as He also did that of the doctor, the priest +and servant of God, to whom, as I said +before, [<a href="#l32note11">11</a>] I first spoke, who is an example +to the whole city,--being one whom God maintains there for the relief +and progress of many souls: he, too, came now to give us +his assistance.</p> +<p><a name="l32.22">22</a>. When matters had come to this state, and +always with the help of many prayers, we purchased a house in a +convenient spot; and though it was small, I cared not at all for that, +for our Lord had told me to go into it as well as I could,--that I +should see afterwards what He would do; and how well I have seen it! +I saw, too, how scanty were our means; and yet I believed our Lord +would order these things by other ways, and be gracious unto us.</p> +<hr title="Notes"> +<p><small><a name="l32note1">1</a>. See <a +href="#l5.14">ch. v. § 14</a>, <a href="#l6.1">ch. +vi. § 1</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l32note2">2</a>. <a href="#l31.3">Ch. +xxxi. § 3</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l32note3">3</a>. In 1558 (<cite>De +la Fuente</cite>).</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l32note4">4</a>. This was said by Maria de Ocampo, +niece of <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Teresa, then living in the +monastery of the Incarnation, but not a religious; afterwards Maria +Bautista, Prioress of the Carmelites at Valladolid +(<cite>Ribera</cite>, i. 7).</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l32note5">5</a>. <a href="#l24.5">Ch. +xxiv. § 5</a>. Doña Guiomar de Ulloa.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l32note6">6</a>. The Provincial of the Carmelites: +F. Angel de Salasar (<cite>De la Fuente</cite>).</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l32note7">7</a>. F. Pedro Ibañez (<cite>De +la Fuente</cite>).</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l32note8">8</a>. <a href="#l33.8">Ch. +xxxiii. § 8</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l32note9">9</a>. Francis de Salcedo.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l32note10">10</a>. <a href="#l23.6">Ch. +xxiii. § 6</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l32note11">11</a>. Gaspar Daza. See <a +href="#l23.6">ch. xxiii. § 6.</a></small></p> +<hr title="Text"> +<h3><a name="l33.0">Chapter XXXIII.</a></h3> +<p><big>The Foundation of the Monastery Hindered. Our Lord Consoles +the Saint.</big></p> +<p><a name="l33.1">1</a>. When the matter was in this state--so near +its conclusion, that on the very next day the papers were to be +signed--then it was that the Father Provincial changed his mind. I +believe that the change was divinely ordered--so it appeared +afterwards; for while so many prayers were made, our Lord was +perfecting His work and arranging its execution in another way. When +the Provincial refused us, my confessor bade me forthwith to think no +more of it, notwithstanding the great trouble and distress which our +Lord knows it cost me to bring it to this state. When the work was +given up and abandoned, people were the more convinced that it was +altogether the foolishness of women; and the complaints against me +were multiplied, although I had until then this commandment of my +Provincial to justify me.</p> +<p><a name="l33.2">2</a>. I was now very much disliked throughout the +whole monastery, because I wished to found another with stricter +enclosure. It was said I insulted my sisters; that I could serve God +among them as well as elsewhere, for there were many among them much +better than I; that I did not love the house, and that it would have +been better if I had procured greater resources for it than for +another. Some said I ought to be put in prison; others--but they were +not many--defended me in some degree. I saw well enough that they +were for the most part right, and now and then I made excuses for +myself; though, as I could not tell them the chief reason, which was +the commandment of our Lord, I knew not what to do, and so +was silent.</p> +<p><a name="l33.3">3</a>. In other respects God was most merciful unto +me, for all this caused me no uneasiness; and I gave up our design +with much readiness and joy, as if it cost me nothing. No one could +believe it, not even those men of prayer with whom I conversed; for +they thought I was exceedingly pained and sorry: even my confessor +himself could hardly believe it. I had done, as it seemed to me, all +that was in my power. I thought myself obliged to do no more than I +had done to fulfil our Lord's commandment, and so I remained in the +house where I was, exceedingly happy and joyful; though, at the same +time, I was never able to give up my conviction that the work would be +done. I had now no means of doing it, nor did I know how or when it +would be done; but I firmly believed in its accomplishment.</p> +<p><a name="l33.4">4</a>. I was much distressed at one time by a +letter which my confessor wrote to me, as if I had done anything in +the matter contrary to his will. Our Lord also must have meant that +suffering should not fail me there where I should feel it most; and +so, amid the multitude of my persecutions, when, as it seemed to me, +consolations should have come from my confessor, he told me that I +ought to recognise in the result that all was a dream; that I ought to +lead a new life by ceasing to have anything to do for the future with +it, or even to speak of it any more, seeing the scandal it had +occasioned. He made some further remarks, all of them very painful. +This was a greater affliction to me than all the others together. I +considered whether I had done anything myself, and whether I was to +blame for anything that was an offence unto God; whether all my +visions were illusions, all my prayers a delusion, and I, therefore, +deeply deluded and lost. This pressed so heavily upon me, that I was +altogether disturbed and most grievously distressed. But our Lord, +who never failed me in all the trials I speak of, so frequently +consoled and strengthened me, that I need not speak of it here. He +told me then not to distress myself; that I had pleased God greatly, +and had not sinned against Him throughout the whole affair; that I was +to do what my confessors required of me, and be silent on the subject +till the time came to resume it. I was so comforted and so happy, that +the persecution which had befallen me seemed to be as nothing +at all.</p> +<p><a name="l33.5">5</a>. Our Lord now showed me what an exceedingly +great blessing it is to be tried and persecuted for His sake; for the +growth of the love of God in my soul, which I now discerned, as well +as of many other virtues, was such as to fill me with wonder. It made +me unable to abstain from desiring trials, and yet those about me +thought I was exceedingly disheartened; and I must have been so, if +our Lord in that extremity had not succoured me with His great +compassion. Now was the beginning of those more violent impetuosities +of the love of God of which I have spoken +before, [<a href="#l33note1">1</a>] as well as of those profounder +trances. I kept silence, however, and never spoke of those graces to +any one. The saintly Dominican [<a href="#l33note2">2</a>] was as +confident as I was that the work would be done; and as I would not +speak of it, in order that nothing might take place contrary to the +obedience I owed my confessor, he communicated with my companion, and +they wrote letters to Rome and made their preparations.</p> +<p><a name="l33.6">6</a>. Satan also contrived now that persons should +hear one from another that I had had a revelation in the matter; and +people came to me in great terror, saying that the times were +dangerous, that something might be laid to my charge, and that I might +be taken before the Inquisitors. I heard this with pleasure, and it +made me laugh, because I never was afraid of them; for I knew well +enough that in matters of faith I would not break the least ceremony +of the Church, that I would expose myself to die a thousand times +rather than that any one should see me go against it or against any +truth of Holy Writ. So I told them I was not afraid of that, for my +soul must be in a very bad state if there was anything the matter with +it of such a nature as to make me fear the Inquisition; I would go +myself and give myself up, if I thought there was anything amiss; and +if I should be denounced, our Lord would deliver me, and I should +gain much.</p> +<p><a name="l33.7">7</a>. I had recourse to my Dominican father; for I +could rely upon him, because he was a learned man. I told him all +about my visions, my way of prayer, the great graces our Lord had +given me, as clearly as I could, and I begged him to consider the +matter well, and tell me if there was anything therein at variance +with the Holy Writings, and give me his opinion on the whole matter. +He reassured me much, and, I think, profited himself; for though he +was exceedingly good, yet, from this time forth, he gave himself more +and more to prayer, and retired to a monastery of his Order which was +very lonely, that he might apply himself more effectually to prayer, +where he remained more than two years. He was dragged out of his +solitude by obedience, to his great sorrow: his superiors required his +services; for he was a man of great ability. I, too, on my part, felt +his retirement very much, because it was a great loss to me, though I +did not disturb him. But I knew it was a gain to him; for when I was +so much distressed at his departure, our Lord bade me be comforted, +not to take it to heart, for he was gone under good guidance.</p> +<p><a name="l33.8">8</a>. So, when he came back, his soul had made +such great progress, and he was so advanced in the ways of the spirit, +that he told me on his return he would not have missed that journey +for anything in the world. And I, too, could say the same thing; for +where he reassured and consoled me formerly by his mere learning, he +did so now through that spiritual experience he had gained of +supernatural things. And God, too, brought him here in time; for He +saw that his help would be required in the foundation of the +monastery, which His Majesty willed should be laid.</p> +<p><a name="l33.9">9</a>. I remained quiet after this for five or six +months, neither thinking nor speaking of the matter; nor did our Lord +once speak to me about it. I know not why, but I could never rid +myself of the thought that the monastery would be founded. At the end +of that time, the then Rector [<a href="#l33note3">3</a>] of the +Society of Jesus having gone away, His Majesty brought into his place +another, [<a href="#l33note4">4</a>] of great spirituality, high +courage, strong understanding, and profound learning, at the very time +when I was in great straits. As he who then heard my confession had a +superior over him--the fathers of the Society are extremely strict +about the virtue of obedience and never stir but in conformity with +the will of their superiors,--so he would not dare, though he +perfectly understood my spirit, and desired the accomplishment of my +purpose, to come to any resolution; and he had many reasons to justify +his conduct. I was at the same time subject to such great +impetuosities of spirit, that I felt my chains extremely heavy; +nevertheless, I never swerved from the commandment he gave me.</p> +<p><a name="l33.10">10</a>. One day, when in great distress, because I +thought my confessor did not trust me, our Lord said to me, Be not +troubled; this suffering will soon be over. I was very much +delighted, thinking I should die shortly; and I was very happy +whenever I recalled those words to remembrance. Afterwards I saw +clearly that they referred to the coming of the rector of whom I am +speaking, for never again had I any reason to be distressed. The +rector that came never interfered with the father-minister who was my +confessor. On the contrary, he told him to console me,--that there +was nothing to be afraid of,--and not to direct me along a road so +narrow, but to leave the operations of the Spirit of God alone; for +now and then it seemed as if these great impetuosities of the spirit +took away the very breath of the soul.</p> +<p><a name="l33.11">11</a>. The rector came to see me, and my +confessor bade me speak to him in all freedom and openness. I used to +feel the very greatest repugnance to speak of this matter; but so it +was, when I went into the confessional, I felt in my soul something, I +know not what. I do not remember to have felt so either before or +after towards any one. I cannot tell what it was, nor do I know of +anything with which I could compare it. It was a spiritual joy, and a +conviction in my soul that his soul must understand mine, that it was +in unison with it, and yet, as I have said, I knew not how. If I had +ever spoken to him, or had heard great things of him, it would have +been nothing out of the way that I should rejoice in the conviction +that he would understand me; but he had never spoken to me before, nor +I to him, and, indeed, he was a person of whom I had no previous +knowledge whatever.</p> +<p><a name="l33.12">12</a>. Afterwards, I saw clearly that my spirit +was not deceived; for my relations with him were in every way of the +utmost service to me and my soul, because his method of direction is +proper for those persons whom our Lord seems to have led far on the +way, seeing that He makes them run, and not to crawl step by step. +His plan is to render them thoroughly detached and mortified, and our +Lord has endowed him with the highest gifts herein as well as in many +other things beside. As soon as I began to have to do with him, I +knew his method at once, and saw that he had a pure and holy soul, +with a special grace of our Lord for the discernment of spirits. He +gave me great consolation. Shortly after I had begun to speak to him, +our Lord began to constrain me to return to the affair of the +monastery, and to lay before my confessor and the father-rector many +reasons and considerations why they should not stand in my way. Some +of these reasons made them afraid, for the father-rector never had a +doubt of its being the work of the Spirit of God, because he regarded +the fruits of it with great care and attention. At last, after much +consideration, they did not dare to +hinder me. [<a href="#l33note5">5</a>]</p> +<p><a name="l33.13">13</a>. My confessor gave me leave to prosecute +the work with all my might. I saw well enough the trouble I exposed +myself to, for I was utterly alone, and able to do so very little. We +agreed that it should be carried on with the utmost secrecy; and so I +contrived that one of my sisters, [<a href="#l33note6">6</a>] who lived +out of the town, should buy a house, and prepare it as if for herself, +with money which our Lord provided for us. [<a href="#l33note7">7</a>] +I made it a great point to do nothing against obedience; but I knew +that if I spoke of it to my superiors all was lost, as on the former +occasion, and worse even might happen. In holding the money, in +finding the house, in treating for it, in putting it in order, I had +so much to suffer; and, for the most part, I had to suffer alone, +though my friend did what she could: she could do but little, and that +was almost nothing. Beyond giving her name and her countenance, the +whole of the trouble was mine; and that fell upon me in so many ways, +that I am astonished now how I could have borne +it. [<a href="#l33note8">8</a>] Sometimes, in my affliction, I used +to say: O my Lord, how is it that Thou commandest me to do that which +seems impossible?--for, though I am a woman, yet, if I were free, it +might be done; but when I am tied in so many ways, without money, or +the means of procuring it, either for the purpose of the Brief or for +any other,--what, O Lord, can I do?</p> +<p><a name="l33.14">14</a>. Once when I was in one of my difficulties, +not knowing what to do, unable to pay the workmen, <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Joseph, my true father and lord, appeared to +me, and gave me to understand that money would not be wanting, and I +must hire the workmen. So I did, though I was penniless; and our +Lord, in a way that filled those who heard of it with wonder, provided +for me. The house offered me was too small,--so much so, that it +seemed as if it could never be made into a monastery,--and I wished to +buy another, but had not the means, and there was neither way nor +means to do so. I knew not what to do. There was another little +house close to the one we had, which might have formed a small church. +One day, after Communion, our Lord said to me, I have already bidden +thee to go in anyhow. And then, as if exclaiming, said: Oh, +covetousness of the human race, thinking that even the whole earth is +too little for it! how often have I slept in the open air, because I +had no place to shelter Me! [<a href="#l33note9">9</a>] I was +alarmed, and saw that He had good reasons to complain. I went to the +little house, arranged the divisions of it, and found that it would +make a sufficient, though small, monastery. I did not care now to add +to the site by purchase, and so I did nothing but contrive to have it +prepared in such a way that it could be lived in. Everything was +coarse, and nothing more was done to it than to render it not hurtful +to health--and that must be done everywhere.</p> +<p><a name="l33.15">15</a>. As I was going to Communion on her feast, +<abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Clare appeared to me in great beauty, +and bade me take courage, and go on with what I had begun; she would +help me. I began to have a great devotion to <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Clare; and she has so truly kept her word, +that a monastery of nuns of her Order in our neighbourhood helped us +to live; and, what is of more importance, by little and little she so +perfectly fulfilled my desire, that the poverty which the blessed +Saint observes in her own house is observed in this, and we are living +on alms. It cost me no small labour to have this matter settled by +the plenary sanction and authority of the Holy +Father, [<a href="#l33note10">10</a>] so that it shall never be +otherwise, and we possess no revenues. Our Lord is doing more for +us--perhaps we owe it to the prayers of this blessed Saint; for, +without our asking anybody, His Majesty supplies most abundantly all +our wants. May He be blessed for ever! Amen.</p> +<p><a name="l33.16">16</a>. On one of these days--it was the Feast of +the Assumption of our Lady--I was in the church of the monastery of +the Order of the glorious <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Dominic, +thinking of the events of my wretched life, and of the many sins which +in times past I had confessed in that house. I fell into so profound +a trance, that I was as it were beside myself. I sat down, and it +seemed as if I could neither see the Elevation nor hear Mass. This +afterwards became a scruple to me. I thought then, when I was in that +state, that I saw myself clothed with a garment of excessive whiteness +and splendour. At first I did not see who was putting it on me. +Afterwards I saw our Lady on my right hand, and my father <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Joseph on my left, clothing me with that +garment. I was given to understand that I was then cleansed from my +sins. When I had been thus clad--I was filled with the utmost delight +and joy--our Lady seemed at once to take me by both hands. She said +that I pleased her very much by being devout to the glorious <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Joseph; that I might rely on it my desires +about the monastery were accomplished, and that our Lord and they too +would be greatly honoured in it; that I was to be afraid of no failure +whatever, though the obedience under which it would be placed might +not be according to my mind, because they would watch over us, and +because her Son had promised to be with +us [<a href="#l33note11">11</a>]--and, as a proof of this, she would +give me that jewel. She then seemed to throw around my neck a most +splendid necklace of gold, from which hung a cross of great value. +The stones and gold were so different from any in this world, that +there is nothing wherewith to compare them. The beauty of them is +such as can be conceived by no imagination,--and no understanding can +find out the materials of the robe, nor picture to itself the +splendours which our Lord revealed, in comparison with which all the +splendours of earth, so to say, are a daubing of soot. This beauty, +which I saw in our Lady, was exceedingly grand, though I did not trace +it in any particular feature, but rather in the whole form of her +face. She was clothed in white and her garments shone with excessive +lustre that was not dazzling, but soft. I did not see <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Joseph so distinctly, though I saw clearly +that he was there, as in the visions of which I spoke +before, [<a href="#l33note12">12</a>] in which nothing is seen. Our +Lady seemed to be very young.</p> +<p><a name="l33.17">17</a>. When they had been with me for a +while,--I, too, in the greatest delight and joy, greater than I had +ever had before, as I think, and with which I wished never to part,--I +saw them, so it seemed, ascend up to heaven, attended by a great +multitude of angels. I was left in great loneliness, though so +comforted and raised up, so recollected in prayer and softened, that I +was for some time unable to move or speak--being, as it were, beside +myself. I was now possessed by a strong desire to be consumed for the +love of God, and by other affections of the same kind. Everything took +place in such a way that I could never have a doubt--though I often +tried--that the vision came from God. [<a href="#l33note13">13</a>] It +left me in the greatest consolation and peace.</p> +<p><a name="l33.18">18</a>. As to that which the Queen of the Angels +spoke about obedience, it is this: it was painful to me not to subject +the monastery to the Order, and our Lord had told me that it was +inexpedient to do so. He told me the reasons why it was in no wise +convenient that I should do it but I must send to Rome in a certain +way, which He also explained; He would take care that I found help +there: and so I did. I sent to Rome, as our Lord directed me,--for we +should never have succeeded otherwise,--and most favourable was +the result.</p> +<p><a name="l33.19">19</a>. And as to subsequent events, it was very +convenient to be under the Bishop, [<a href="#l33note14">14</a>] but at +that time I did not know him, nor did I know what kind of a superior +he might be. It pleased our Lord that he should be as good and +favourable to this house as it was necessary he should be on account +of the great opposition it met with at the beginning, as I shall show +hereafter, [<a href="#l33note15">15</a>] and also for the sake of +bringing it to the condition it is now in. Blessed be He who has done +it all! Amen.</p> +<hr title="Notes"> +<p><small><a name="l33note1">1</a>. <a href="#l21.6">Ch. +xxi. § 6</a>, <a href="#l29.10">ch. xxix. §§ +10, 11</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l33note2">2</a>. Pedro Ibañez. See <a +href="#l38.15">ch. xxxviii. § 15</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l33note3">3</a>. Dionisio Vasquez. Of him the +Bollandists say that he was very austere and harsh to his subjects, +notwithstanding his great learning: <span lang="la">"homini +egregie docto ac rebus gestis claro, sed in subditos, ut ex historia +Societatis Jesu liquet, valde immiti"</span> (n. 309).</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l33note4">4</a>. Gaspar de Salazar was made rector +of the house in Avila in 1561, therein succeeding Vasquez +(<cite>Bollandists</cite>, <i lang="la">ibid.</i>).</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l33note5">5</a>. <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> +Teresa was commanded by our Lord to ask Father Baltasar Alvarez to +make a meditation on Psalm xci. 6: <span lang="la">"Quam +magnificata sunt opera Tua."</span> The Saint obeyed, and the +meditation was made. From that moment, as <abbr +title="Father">F.</abbr> Alvarez afterwards told Father de Ribera +(<cite>Life of <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Teresa</cite>, i. ch. +vii.), there was no further hesitation on the part of the +Saint's confessor.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l33note6">6</a>. Juana de Ahumada, wife of Juan +de Ovalle.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l33note7">7</a>. The money was a present from her +brother, Don Lorenzo de Cepeda; and the Saint acknowledges the receipt +of it, and confesses the use made of it, in a letter to her brother, +written in Avila, Dec. 31, 1561 (<cite>De +la Fuente</cite>).</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l33note8">8</a>. One day, she went with her +sister--she was staying in her house--to hear a sermon in the church +of <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Thomas. The zealous preacher +denounced visions and revelations; and his observations were so much +to the point, that there was no need of his saying that they were +directed against <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Teresa, who was +present. Her sister was greatly hurt, and persuaded the Saint to +return to the monastery at once (<cite lang="es">Reforma</cite>, i. +ch. xlii. § 1).</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l33note9">9</a>. <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> +Luke ix. 58: <span lang="la">"Filius autem hominis non habet ubi +caput reclinet."</span></small></p> +<p><small><a name="l33note10">10</a>. Pius IV., on Dec. 5, 1562, +(<cite>Bouix</cite>). See <a href="#l39.19">ch. xxxix. +§ 19</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l33note11">11</a>. <a href="#l32.14">Ch. +xxxii. § 14</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l33note12">12</a>. See <a +href="#l27.7">ch. xxvii. § 7</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l33note13">13</a>. <span lang="es">"Nuestro +Señor,"</span> "our Lord," though inserted in the printed +editions after the word "God," is not in the <abbr +title="manuscript">MS.</abbr>, according to Don <abbr lang="es" +title="Vicente">V.</abbr> de la Fuente.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l33note14">14</a>. Don Alvaro de Mendoza, Bishop of Avila, afterwards +of Palencia.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l33note15">15</a>. See <a +href="#l36.15">ch. xxxvi. § 15</a>; <cite>Way of +Perfection</cite>, ch. v. § 10; <cite>Foundations</cite>, ch. xxxi. +§ 1.</small></p> +<hr title="Text"> +<h3><a name="l34.0">Chapter XXXIV.</a></h3> +<p><big>The Saint Leaves Her Monastery of the Incarnation for a Time, +at the Command of Her Superior. Consoles an +Afflicted Widow.</big></p> +<p><a name="l34.1">1</a>. Now, though I was very careful that no one +should know what we were doing, all this work could not be carried on +so secretly as not to come to the knowledge of divers persons; some +believed, in it, others did not, I was in great fear lest the +Provincial should be spoken to about it when he came, and find himself +compelled to order me to give it up; and if he did so, it would have +been abandoned at once. Our Lord provided against it in this way. In +a large city, more than twenty leagues distant, was a lady in great +distress on account of her husband's +death. [<a href="#l34note1">1</a>] She was in such extreme affliction, +that fears were entertained about her life. She had heard of me, a +poor sinner,--for our Lord had provided that,--and men spoke well to +her of me, for the sake of other good works which resulted from it. +This lady knew the Provincial well; and as she was a person of some +consideration, and knew that I lived in a monastery the nuns of which +were permitted to go out, our Lord made her desire much to see me. +She thought that my presence would be a consolation to her, and that +she could not be comforted otherwise. She therefore strove by all the +means in her power to get me into her house, sending messages to the +Provincial, who was at a distance far away.</p> +<p><a name="l34.2">2</a>. The Provincial sent me an order, charging me +in virtue of my obedience to go immediately, with one companion. I +knew of it on Christmas night. It caused me some trouble and much +suffering to see that they sent for me because they thought there was +some good in me; I, knowing myself to be so wicked, could not bear it. +I commended myself earnestly to God, and during Matins, or the greater +part of them, was lost in a profound trance. Our Lord told me I must +go without fail, and give no heed to the opinions of people, for they +were few who would not be rash in their counsel; and though I should +have troubles, yet God would be served greatly: as to the monastery, +it was expedient I should be absent till the Brief came, because Satan +had contrived a great plot against the coming of the Provincial; that +I was to have no fear,--He would help me. I repeated this to the +rector, and he told me that I must go by all means, though others were +saying I ought not to go, that it was a trick of Satan to bring some +evil upon me there, and that I ought to send word to +the Provincial.</p> +<p><a name="l34.3">3</a>. I obeyed the rector, and went without fear, +because of what I had understood in prayer, though in the greatest +confusion when I thought of the reasons why they sent for me, and how +very much they were deceived. It made me more and more importunate +with our Lord that He would not abandon me. It was a great comfort +that there was a house of the Society of Jesus there whither I was +going, and so I thought I should be in some degree safe under the +direction of those fathers, as I had been here.</p> +<p><a name="l34.4">4</a>. It was the good pleasure of our Lord that +the lady who sent for me should be so much consoled that a visible +improvement was the immediate result she was comforted every day more +and more. This was very remarkable, because, as I said before, +her suffering had reduced her to great straits. Our Lord must have +done this in answer to the many prayers which the good people of my +acquaintance made for me, that I might prosper in my work. She had a +profound fear of God, and was so good, that her great devotion +supplied my deficiencies. She conceived a great affection for me--I, +too, for her, because of her goodness; but all was as it were a cross +for me; for the comforts of her house were a great torment, and her +making so much of me made me afraid. I kept my soul continually +recollected--I did not dare to be careless: nor was our Lord careless +of me; for while I was there, He bestowed the greatest graces upon me, +and those graces made me so free, and filled me with such contempt for +all I saw,--and the more I saw, the greater my contempt,--that I never +failed to treat those ladies, whom to serve would have been a great +honour for me, with as much freedom as if I had been their equal.</p> +<p><a name="l34.5">5</a>. I derived very great advantages from this, +and I said so. I saw that she was a woman, and as much liable to +passion and weakness as I was; that rank is of little worth, and the +higher it is, the greater the anxiety and trouble it brings. People +must be careful of the dignity of their state, which will not suffer +them to live at ease; they must eat at fixed hours and by rule, for +everything must be according to their state, and not according to +their constitutions; and they have frequently to take food fitted more +for their state than for their liking.</p> +<p><a name="l34.6">6</a>. So it was that I came to hate the very wish +to be a great lady. God deliver me from this wicked, artificial +life!--though I believe that this lady, notwithstanding that she was +one of the chief personages of the realm, was a woman of great +simplicity, and that few were more humble than she was. I was very +sorry for her, for I saw how often she had to submit to much that was +disagreeable to her, because of the requirements of her rank. Then, +as to servants, though this lady had very good servants, how slight is +that little trust that may be put in them! One must not be conversed +with more than another; otherwise, he who is so favoured is envied by +the rest. This of itself is a slavery, and one of the lies of the +world is that it calls such persons masters, who, in my eyes, are +nothing else but slaves in a thousand ways.</p> +<p><a name="l34.7">7</a>. It was our Lord's pleasure that the +household of that lady improved in the service of His Majesty during +my stay there, though I was not exempted from some trials and some +jealousies on the part of some of its members, because of the great +affection their mistress had for me. They perhaps must have thought I +had some personal interest to serve. Our Lord must have permitted +such matters, and others of the same kind, to give me trouble, in +order that I might not be absorbed in the comforts which otherwise I +had there; and He was pleased to deliver me out of it all with great +profit to my soul.</p> +<p><a name="l34.8">8</a>. When I was there, a religious person of +great consideration, and with whom I had conversed occasionally some +years ago, [<a href="#l34note2">2</a>] happened to arrive. When I was +at Mass, in a monastery of his Order, near the house in which I was +staying, I felt a longing to know the state of his soul,--for I wished +him to be a great servant of God,--and I rose up in order to go and +speak to him. But as I was then recollected in prayer, it seemed to +me a waste of time--for what had I to do in that matter?--and so I +returned to my place. Three times, I think I did this, and at last my +good angel prevailed over the evil one, and I went and asked for him; +and he came to speak to me in one of the confessionals. We began by +asking one another of our past lives, for we had not seen one another +for many years. I told him that my life had been one in which my soul +had had many trials. He insisted much on my telling him what those +trials were. I said that they were not to be told, and that I was not +to tell them. He replied that the Dominican +father, [<a href="#l34note3">3</a>] of whom I have spoken, knew them, +and that, as they were great friends, he could learn them from him, +and so I had better tell them without hesitation.</p> +<p><a name="l34.9">9</a>. The fact is, that it was not in his power +not to insist, nor in mine, I believe, to refuse to speak; for +notwithstanding all the trouble and shame I used to feel formerly, I +spoke of my state, to him, and to the rector whom I have referred to +before, [<a href="#l34note4">4</a>] without any difficulty whatever; on +the contrary, it was a great consolation to me; and so I told him all +in confession. He seemed to me then more prudent than ever; though I +had always looked upon him as a man of great understanding. I +considered what high gifts and endowments for great services he had, +if he gave himself wholly unto God. I had this feeling now for many +years, so that I never saw any one who pleased me much without wishing +at once he were given wholly unto God; and sometimes I feel this so +keenly, that I can hardly contain myself. Though I long to see +everybody serve God, yet my desire about those who please me is very +vehement, and so I importune our Lord on their behalf.</p> +<p><a name="l34.10">10</a>. So it happened with respect to this +religious. He asked me to pray much for him to God. There was no +necessity for his doing so, because I could not do anything else, and +so I went back to my place where I was in the habit of praying alone, +and began to pray to our Lord, being extremely recollected, in that my +simple, silly way, when I speak without knowing very often what I am +saying. It is love that speaks, and my soul is so beside itself, that +I do not regard the distance between it and God. That love which I +know His Majesty has for it makes it forget itself, and think itself +to be one with Him; and so, as being one with Him, and not divided +from Him, the soul speaks foolishly. When I had prayed with many +tears that the soul of this religious might serve Him truly,--for, +though I considered it good, it was not enough for me; I would have it +much better,--I remember I said, "O Lord, Thou must not refuse me +this grace; behold him,--he is a fit person to be our friend."</p> +<p><a name="l34.11">11</a>. Oh, the great goodness and compassion of +God! How He regards not the words, but the desire and the will with +which they are spoken! How He suffered such a one as I am to speak so +boldly before His Majesty! May He be blessed for evermore!</p> +<p><a name="l34.12">12</a>. I remember that during those hours of +prayer on that very night I was extremely distressed by the thought +whether I was in the grace of God, and that I could never know whether +I was so or not,--not that I wished to know it; I wished, however, to +die, in order that I might not live a life in which I was not sure +that I was not dead in sin, for there could be no death more dreadful +for me than to think that I had sinned against God. I was in great +straits at this thought. I implored Him not to suffer me to fall into +sin, with great sweetness, dissolved in tears. Then I heard that I +might console myself, and trust [<a href="#l34note5">5</a>] that I was +in a state of grace, because a love of God like mine, together with +the graces and feelings with which His Majesty filled my soul, was of +such a nature as to be inconsistent with a state of mortal sin.</p> +<p><a name="l34.13">13</a>. I was now confident that our Lord would +grant my prayer as to that religious. He bade me repeat certain words +to him. This I felt much, because I knew not how to speak to him; for +this carrying messages to a third person, as I have +said, [<a href="#l34note6">6</a>] is what I have always felt the most, +especially when I did not know how that person would take them, nor +whether he would not laugh at me. This placed me in great +difficulties, but at last I was so convinced I ought to do it, that I +believe I made a promise to God I would not neglect that message; and +because of the great shame I felt, I wrote it out, and gave it in that +way. The result showed clearly enough that it was a message from God, +for that religious resolved with great earnestness to give himself to +prayer, though he did not do so at once. Our Lord would have him for +Himself, so He sent me to tell him certain truths which, without my +understanding them, were so much to the purpose that he was +astonished. Our Lord must have prepared him to receive them as from +His Majesty; and though I am but a miserable sinner myself, yet I made +many supplications to our Lord to convert him thoroughly, and to make +him hate the pleasures and the things of this life. And so he +did--blessed be God!--for every time that he spoke to me I was in a +manner beside myself; and if I had not seen it, I should never have +believed that our Lord would have given him in so short a time graces +so matured, and filled him so full of God, that he seemed to be alive +to nothing on earth.</p> +<p><a name="l34.14">14</a>. May His Majesty hold him in His hand! If +he will go on--and I trust in our Lord he will do so, now that he is +so well grounded in the knowledge of himself--he will be one of the +most distinguished servants of God, to the great profit of many souls, +because he has in a short time had great experience in spiritual +things: that is a gift of God, which He gives when He will and as He +will, and it depends not on length of time nor extent of service. I +do not mean that time and service, are not great helps, but very often +our Lord will not give to some in twenty years the grace of +contemplation, while He gives it to others in one,--His Majesty +knoweth why. We are under a delusion when we think that in the course +of years we shall come to the knowledge of that which we can in no way +attain to but by experience; and thus many are in error, as I have +said [<a href="#l34note7">7</a>] when they would understand +spirituality without being spiritual themselves. I do not mean that a +man who is not spiritual, if he is learned, may not direct one that is +spiritual; but it must be understood that in outward and inward +things, in the order of nature, the direction must be an act of +reason; and in supernatural things, according to the teaching of the +sacred writings. In other matters, let him not distress himself, nor +think that he can understand that which he understandeth not; neither +let him quench the Spirit; [<a href="#l34note8">8</a>] for now another +Master, greater than he, is directing these souls, so that they are +not left without authority over them.</p> +<p><a name="l34.15">15</a>. He must not be astonished at this, nor +think it impossible: all things are possible to our +Lord; [<a href="#l34note9">9</a>] he must strive rather to strengthen +his faith, and humble himself, because in this matter our Lord imparts +perhaps a deeper knowledge to some old woman than to him, though he +may be a very learned man. Being thus humble, he will profit souls +and himself more than if he affected to be a contemplative without +being so; for, I repeat it, if he have no experience, if he have not a +most profound humility, whereby he may see that he does not +understand, and that the thing is not for that reason impossible, he +will do himself but little good, and still less to his penitent. But +if he is humble, let him have no fear that our Lord will allow either +the one or the other to fall into delusion.</p> +<p><a name="l34.16">16</a>. Now as to this father I am speaking of, as +our Lord has given him light in many things, so has he laboured to +find out by study that which in this matter can be by study +ascertained; for he is a very learned man, and that of which he has no +experience himself he seeks to find out from those who have it,--and +our Lord helps him by increasing his faith, and so he has greatly +benefited himself and some other souls, of whom mine is one. As our +Lord knew the trials I had to undergo, His Majesty seems to have +provided that, when He took away unto Himself some of those who +directed me, others might remain, who helped me in my great +afflictions, and rendered me great services.</p> +<p><a name="l34.17">17</a>. Our Lord wrought a complete change in this +father, so much so that he scarcely knew himself, so to speak. He has +given him bodily health, so that he may do penance, such as he never +had before; for he was sickly. He has given him courage to undertake +good works, with other gifts, so that he seems to have received a most +special vocation from our Lord. May He be blessed for ever!</p> +<p><a name="l34.18">18</a>. All these blessings, I believe, came to +him through the graces our Lord bestowed upon him in prayer; for they +are real. It has been our Lord's pleasure already to try him in +certain difficulties, out of which he has come forth like one who +knows the true worth of that merit which is gained by suffering +persecutions. I trust in the munificence of our Lord that great good +will, by his means, accrue to some of his Order and to the Order +itself. This is beginning to be understood. I have had great visions +on the subject, and our Lord has told me wonderful things of him and +of the Rector of the Society of Jesus, whom I am speaking +of, [<a href="#l34note10">10</a>] and also of two other religious of +the Order of <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Dominic, particularly of +one who, to his own profit, has actually learned of our Lord certain +things which I had formerly understood of him. But there were greater +things made known of him to whom I am now referring: one of them I +will now relate.</p> +<p><a name="l34.19">19</a>. I was with him once in the parlour, when +in my soul and spirit I felt what great love burned within him, and +became as it were lost in ecstasy by considering the greatness of God, +who had raised that soul in so short a time to a state so high. It +made me ashamed of myself when I saw him listen with so much humility +to what I was saying about certain matters of prayer, when I had so +little myself that I could speak on the subject to one like him. Our +Lord must have borne with me in this on account of the great desire I +had to see that religious making great progress. My interview with +him did me great good,--it seems as if it left a new fire in my soul, +burning with desire to serve our Lord as in the beginning. O my +Jesus! what is a soul on fire with Thy love! How we ought to prize +it, and implore our Lord to let it live long upon earth! He who has +this love should follow after such souls, if it be possible.</p> +<p><a name="l34.20">20</a>. It is a great thing for a person ill of +this disease to find another struck down by it,--it comforts him much +to see that he is not alone; they help one another greatly to suffer +and to merit. They are strong with a double strength who are resolved +to risk a thousand lives for God, and who long for an opportunity of +losing them. They are like soldiers who, to acquire booty, and +therewith enrich themselves, wish for war, knowing well that they +cannot become rich without it. This is their work--to suffer. Oh, +what a blessing it is when our Lord gives light to understand how +great is the gain of suffering for Him! This is never understood till +we have left all things; for if anybody is attached to any one thing, +that is a proof that he sets some value upon it; and if he sets any +value upon it, it is painful to be compelled to give it up. In that +case, everything is imperfect and lost. The saying is to the purpose +here,--he who follows what is lost, is lost himself; and what greater +loss, what greater blindness, what greater calamity, can there be than +making much of that which is nothing!</p> +<p><a name="l34.21">21</a>. I now return to that which I had begun to +speak of. I was in the greatest joy, beholding that soul. It seemed +as if our Lord would have me see clearly the treasures He had laid up +in it; and so, when I considered the favour our Lord had shown me, in +that I should be the means of so great a good, I recognised my own +unworthiness for such an end. I thought much of the graces our Lord +had given him, and held myself as indebted for them more than if they +had been given to myself. So I gave thanks to our Lord, when I saw +that His Majesty had fulfilled my desires and heard my petition that +He would raise up persons like him. And now my soul, no longer able +to bear the joy that filled it, went forth out of itself, losing +itself that it might gain the more. It lost sight of the reflections +it was making; and the hearing of that divine language which the Holy +Ghost seemed to speak threw me into a deep trance, which almost +deprived me of all sense, though it did not last long. I saw Christ, +in exceeding great majesty and glory, manifesting His joy at what was +then passing. He told me as much, and it was His pleasure that I +should clearly see that He was always present at similar interviews, +and how much He was pleased when people thus found their delight in +speaking of Him.</p> +<p><a name="l34.22">22</a>. On another occasion, when far away from +this place, I saw him carried by angels in great glory. I understood +by that vision that his soul was making great progress: so it was; for +an evil report was spread abroad against him by one to whom he had +rendered a great service, and whose reputation and whose soul he had +saved. He bore it with much joy. He did also other things greatly to +the honour of God, and underwent more persecutions. I do not think it +expedient now to speak further on this point; if, however, you, my +father, who know all, should hereafter think otherwise, more might be +said to the glory of our Lord.</p> +<p><a name="l34.23">23</a>. All the prophecies spoken of +before, [<a href="#l34note11">11</a>] relating to this house, as well +as others, of which I shall speak hereafter, relating to it and to +other matters, have been accomplished. Some of them our Lord revealed +to me three years before they became known, others earlier and others +later. But I always made them known to my confessor, and to the widow +my friend; for I had leave to communicate with her, as I said +before. [<a href="#l34note12">12</a>] She, I know, repeated them to +others, and these know that I lie not. May God never permit me, in +any matter whatever,--much more in things of this importance,--to say +anything but the whole truth!</p> +<p><a name="l34.24">24</a>. One of my +brothers-in-law [<a href="#l34note13">13</a>] died suddenly; and as I +was in great distress at this, because he had no opportunity of making +his confession, our Lord said to me in prayer that my sister also was +to die in the same way; that I must go to her, and make her prepare +herself for such an end. I told this to my confessor; but as he would +not let me go, I heard the same warning again; and now, when he saw +this, he told me I might go, and that I should lose nothing by going. +My sister was living in the country; and as I did not tell her why I +came, I gave her what light I could in all things. I made her go +frequently to confession, and look to her soul in everything. She was +very good, and did as I asked her. Four or five years after she had +begun this practice, and keeping a strict watch over her conscience, +she died, with nobody near her, and without being able to go to +confession. This was a blessing to her, for it was little more than a +week since she had been to her accustomed confession. It was a great +joy to me when I heard of her death. She was but a short time +in purgatory.</p> +<p><a name="l34.25">25</a>. I do not think it was quite eight days +afterwards when, after Communion, our Lord appeared to me, and was +pleased that I should see Him receive my sister into glory. During +all those years, after our Lord had spoken to me, until her death, +what I then learnt with respect to her was never forgotten either by +myself or by my friend, who, when my sister was thus dead, came to me +in great amazement at the fulfilment of the prophecy. God be praised +for ever, who takes such care of souls that they may not be lost!</p> +<hr title="Notes"> +<p><small><a name="l34note1">1</a>. Doña Luisa de la Cerda, sister of +the Duke of Medina-Coeli, was now the widow of Arias Pardo, Marshal of +Castille, Lord of Malagon and Paracuellos. Don Arias was nephew +of Cardinal Tabera, Archbishop of Toledo (<cite>De +la Fuente</cite>).</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l34note2">2</a>. F. Vicente Barron, Dominican (see +<a href="#l5.8">ch. v. § 8</a>), according to <abbr +title="Father">F.</abbr> Bouix, on the authority of Ribera and Yepez; +but the Carmelite Father, Fr. Antonio of <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Joseph, in his note on the first Fragment +(<cite>Letters</cite>, vol. iv. p. 408), says that it was Fr. Garcia +of Toledo, brother of Don Fernando, Duke of Alva; and Don Vicente de +la Fuente thinks the opinion of Fr. Antonio the +more probable.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l34note3">3</a>. Pedro Ibañez +(<cite>Bouix</cite>).</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l34note4">4</a>. <a href="#l33.11">Ch. +xxxiii. § 11</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l34note5">5</a>. Father Bouix says that here the +word <span lang="es">"confiar,"</span> "trust," in the +printed text, has been substituted by some one for the words <span +lang="es">"estar cierta,"</span> "be certain," which +he found in the <abbr title="manuscript">MS</abbr>. But Don Vicente +de la Fuente retains the old reading <span +lang="es">"confiar,"</span> and makes no observation on the +alleged discrepancy between the <abbr +title="manuscript">MS.</abbr> and the printed text. The observation +of <abbr title="Father">F.</abbr> Bouix, however, is more important, +and deserves credit,--for Don Vicente may have failed, through mere +inadvertence, to see what <abbr title="Father">F.</abbr> Bouix saw; +and it is also to be remembered that Don Vicente does not say that the +<abbr title="manuscript">MS.</abbr> on this point has been so closely +inspected as to throw any doubt on the positive testimony of <abbr +title="Father">F.</abbr> Bouix. Six years after this note was written +Don Vicente published a facsimile by photography of the original text +in the handwriting of the Saint, preserved in the Escurial. The words +are not <span lang="es">"confiar,"</span> but <span +lang="es">"estar cierta."</span></small></p> +<p><small><a name="l34note6">6</a>. <a href="#l33.12">Ch. +xxxiii. § 12</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l34note7">7</a>. <a href="#l14.10">Ch. +xiv. § 10</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l34note8">8</a>. 1 Thess. v. 19: <span +lang="la">"Spiritum nolite extinguere."</span></small></p> +<p><small><a name="l34note9">9</a>. <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> +Matt. xix. 26: <span lang="la">"Apud Deum autem omnia +possibilia sunt."</span></small></p> +<p><small><a name="l34note10">10</a>. F. Gaspar +de Salazar.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l34note11">11</a>. <a href="#l26.3">Ch. +xxvi. § 3</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l34note12">12</a>. <a href="#l30.3">Ch. +xxx. § 3</a>. Doña Guiomar de Ulloa.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l34note13">13</a>. Don Martin de Guzman y +Barrientos, husband of Maria de Cepeda, the +Saint's sister.</small></p> +<hr title="Text"> +<h3><a name="l35.0">Chapter XXXV.</a></h3> +<p><big>The Foundation of the House of <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Joseph. The Observation of Holy Poverty +Therein. How the Saint Left Toledo.</big></p> +<p><a name="l35.1">1</a>. When I was staying with this +lady, [<a href="#l35note1">1</a>] already spoken of, in whose house I +remained more than six months, our Lord ordained that a holy +woman [<a href="#l35note2">2</a>] of our Order should hear of me, who +was more than seventy leagues away from the place. She happened to +travel this way, and went some leagues out of her road that she might +see me. Our Lord had moved her in the same year, and in the same +month of the year, that He had moved me, to found another monastery of +the Order; and as He had given her this desire, she sold all she +possessed, and went to Rome to obtain the necessary faculties. She +went on foot, and barefooted. She is a woman of great penance and +prayer, and one to whom our Lord gave many graces; and our Lady +appeared to her, and commanded her to undertake this work. Her +progress in the service of our Lord was so much greater than mine, +that I was ashamed to stand in her presence. She showed me Briefs she +brought from Rome, and during the fortnight she remained with me we +laid our plan for the founding of these monasteries.</p> +<p><a name="l35.2">2</a>. Until I spoke to her, I never knew that our +rule, before it was mitigated, required of us that we should possess +nothing; [<a href="#l35note3">3</a>] nor was I going to found a +monastery without revenue, [<a href="#l35note4">4</a>] for my intention +was that we should be without anxiety about all that was necessary for +us, and I did not think of the many anxieties which the possession of +property brings in its train. This holy woman, taught of our Lord, +perfectly understood--though she could not read--what I was ignorant +of, notwithstanding my having read the +Constitutions [<a href="#l35note5">5</a>] so often; and when she told +me of it, I thought it right, though I feared they would never consent +to this, but would tell me I was committing follies, and that I ought +not to do anything whereby I might bring suffering upon others. If +this concerned only myself, nothing should have kept me back,--on the +contrary, it would have been my great joy to think that I was +observing the counsels of Christ our Lord; for His Majesty had already +given me great longings for poverty. [<a href="#l35note6">6</a>]</p> +<p><a name="l35.3">3</a>. As for myself, I never doubted that this was +the better part; for I had now for some time wished it were possible +in my state to go about begging, for the love of God--to have no house +of my own, nor anything else. But I was afraid that others--if our +Lord did not give them the same desire--might live in discontent. +Moreover, I feared that it might be the cause of some distraction: for +I knew some poor monasteries not very recollected, and I did not +consider that their not being recollected was the cause of their +poverty, and that their poverty was not the cause of their +distraction: distraction never makes people richer, and God never +fails those who serve Him. In short, I was weak in faith; but not so +this servant of God.</p> +<p><a name="l35.4">4</a>. As I took the advice of many in everything, +I found scarcely any one of this opinion--neither my confessor, nor +the learned men to whom I spoke of it. They gave me so many reasons +the other way, that I did not know what to do. But when I saw what +the rule required, and that poverty was the more perfect way, I could +not persuade myself to allow an endowment. And though they did +persuade me now and then that they were right, yet, when I returned to +my prayer, and saw Christ on the cross, so poor and destitute, I could +not bear to be rich, and I implored Him with tears so to order matters +that I might be poor as He was.</p> +<p><a name="l35.5">5</a>. I found that so many inconveniences resulted +from an endowment, and saw that it was the cause of so much trouble, +and even distraction, that I did nothing but dispute with the learned. +I wrote to that Dominican friar [<a href="#l35note7">7</a>] who was +helping us, and he sent back two sheets by way of reply, full of +objections and theology against my plan, telling me that he had +thought much on the subject. I answered that, in order to escape from +my vocation, the vow of poverty I had made, and the perfect observance +of the counsels of Christ, I did not want any theology to help me, and +in this case I should not thank him for his learning. If I found any +one who would help me, it pleased me much. The lady in whose house I +was staying was a great help to me in this matter. Some at first told +me that they agreed with me; afterwards, when they had considered the +matter longer, they found in it so many inconveniences that they +insisted on my giving it up. I told them that, though they changed +their opinion so quickly, I would abide by the first.</p> +<p><a name="l35.6">6</a>. At this time, because of my entreaties,--for +the lady had never seen the holy friar, Peter of Alcantara,--it +pleased our Lord to bring him to her house. As he was a great lover +of poverty, and had lived in it for so many years, he knew well the +treasures it contains, and so he was a great help to me; he charged me +on no account whatever to give up my purpose. Now, having this +opinion and sanction,--no one was better able to give it, because he +knew what it was by long experience,--I made up my mind to seek no +further advice.</p> +<p><a name="l35.7">7</a>. One day, when I was very earnestly +commending the matter to God, our Lord told me that I must by no means +give up my purpose of founding the monastery in poverty; it was His +will, and the will of His Father: He would help me. I was in a +trance; and the effects were such, that I could have no doubt it came +from God. On another occasion, He said to me that endowments bred +confusion, with other things in praise of poverty; and assured me that +whosoever served Him would never be in want of the necessary means of +living: and this want, as I have said, [<a href="#l35note8">8</a>] I +never feared myself. Our Lord changed the dispositions also of the +licentiate,--I am speaking of the Dominican +friar, [<a href="#l35note9">9</a>]--who, as I said, wrote to me that I +should not found the monastery without an endowment. Now, I was in +the greatest joy at hearing this; and having these opinions in my +favour, it seemed to me nothing less than the possession of all the +wealth of the world, when I had resolved to live in poverty for the +love of God.</p> +<p><a name="l35.8">8</a>. At this time, my Provincial withdrew the +order and the obedience, in virtue of which I was staying in that +house. [<a href="#l35note10">10</a>] He left it to me to do as I +liked: if I wished to return I might do so; if I wished to remain I +might also do so for a certain time. But during that time the +elections in my monastery [<a href="#l35note11">11</a>] would take +place and I was told that many of the nuns wished to lay on me the +burden of superiorship. The very thought of this alone was a great +torment to me; for though I was resolved to undergo readily any kind +of martyrdom for God, I could not persuade myself at all to accept +this; for, putting aside the great trouble it involved,--because the +nuns were so many,--and other reasons, such as that I never wished for +it, nor for any other office,--on the contrary, had always refused +them,--it seemed to me that my conscience would be in great danger; +and so I praised God that I was not then in my convent. I wrote to my +friends and asked them not to vote for me.</p> +<p><a name="l35.9">9</a>. When I was rejoicing that I was not in that +trouble, our Lord said to me that I was on no account to keep away; +that as I longed for a cross, there was one ready for me, and that a +heavy one: that I was not to throw it away, but go on with resolution; +He would help me, and I must go at once. I was very much distressed, +and did nothing but weep, because I thought that my cross was to be +the office of prioress; and, as I have just said, I could not persuade +myself that it would be at all good for my soul--nor could I see any +means by which it would be. I told my confessor of it, and he +commanded me to return at once: that to do so was clearly the most +perfect way; and that, because the heat was very great,--it would be +enough if I arrived before the election,--I might wait a few days, in +order that my journey might do me no harm.</p> +<p><a name="l35.10">10</a>. But our Lord had ordered it otherwise. I +had to go at once, because the uneasiness I felt was very great; and I +was unable to pray, and thought I was failing in obedience to the +commandments of our Lord, and that as I was happy and contented where +I was, I would not go to meet trouble. All my service of God there +was lip-service: why did I, having the opportunity of living in +greater perfection, neglect it? If I died on the road, let me die. +Besides, my soul was in great straits, and our Lord had taken from me +all sweetness in prayer. In short, I was in such a state of torment, +that I begged the lady to let me go; for my confessor, when he saw the +plight I was in, had already told me to go, God having moved him as He +had moved me. The lady felt my departure very much, and that was +another pain to bear; for it had cost her much trouble, and diverse +importunities of the Provincial, to have me in her house.</p> +<p><a name="l35.11">11</a>. I considered it a very great thing for her +to have given her consent, when she felt it so much; but, as she was a +person who feared God exceedingly,--and as I told her, among many +other reasons, that my going away tended greatly to His service, and +held out the hope that I might possibly return,--she gave way, but +with much sorrow. I was now not sorry myself at coming away, for I +knew that it was an act of greater perfection, and for the service of +God. So the pleasure I had in pleasing God took away the pain of +quitting that lady,--whom I saw suffering so keenly,--and others to +whom I owed much, particularly my confessor of the Society of Jesus, +in whom I found all I needed. But the greater the consolations I lost +for our Lord's sake, the greater was my joy in losing them. I could +not understand it, for I had a clear consciousness of these two +contrary feelings--pleasure, consolation, and joy in that which +weighed down my soul with sadness. I was joyful and tranquil, and had +opportunities of spending many hours in prayer; and I saw that I was +going to throw myself into a fire; for our Lord had already told me +that I was going to carry a heavy cross,--though I never thought it +would be so heavy as I afterwards found it to be,--yet I went forth +rejoicing. I was distressed because I had not already begun the +fight, since it was our Lord's will that I should be in it. Thus His +Majesty gave me strength, and established it in +my weakness. [<a href="#l35note12">12</a>]</p> +<p><a name="l35.12">12</a>. As I have just said, I could not +understand how this could be. I thought of this illustration: if I +were possessed of a jewel, or any other thing which gave me great +pleasure, and it came to my knowledge that a person whom I loved more +than myself, and whose satisfaction I preferred to my own, wished to +have it, it would give me great pleasure to deprive myself of it, +because I would give all I possessed to please that person. Now, as +the pleasure of giving pleasure to that person surpasses any pleasure +I have in that jewel myself, I should not be distressed in giving away +that or anything else I loved, nor at the loss of that pleasure which +the possession of it gave me. So now, though I wished to feel some +distress when I saw that those whom I was leaving felt my going so +much, yet, notwithstanding my naturally grateful disposition,--which, +under other circumstances, would have been enough to have caused me +great pain,--at this time, though I wished to feel it, I could +feel none.</p> +<p><a name="l35.13">13</a>. The delay of another day was so serious a +matter in the affairs of this holy house, that I know not how they +would have been settled if I had waited. Oh, God is great! I am +often lost in wonder when I consider and see the special help which +His Majesty gave me towards the establishment of this little cell of +God,--for such I believe it to be,--the lodging wherein His Majesty +delights; for once, when I was in prayer, He told me that this house +was the paradise of his delight. [<a href="#l35note13">13</a>] It +seems, then, that His Majesty has chosen these whom he has drawn +hither, among whom I am living very much ashamed of +myself. [<a href="#l35note14">14</a>] I could not have even wished for +souls such as they are for the purpose of this house, where enclosure, +poverty, and prayer are so strictly observed; they submit with so much +joy and contentment, that every one of them thinks herself unworthy of +the grace of being received into it,--some of them particularly; for +our Lord has called them out of the vanity and dissipation of the +world, in which, according to its laws, they might have lived +contented. Our Lord has multiplied their joy, so that they see +clearly how He had given them a hundredfold for the one thing they +have left, [<a href="#l35note15">15</a>] and for which they cannot +thank His Majesty enough. Others He has advanced from well to better. +To the young He gives courage and knowledge, so that they may desire +nothing else, and also to understand that to live away from all things +in this life is to live in greater peace even here below. To those +who are no longer young, and whose health is weak, He gives--and has +given--the strength to undergo the same austerities and penance with +all the others.</p> +<p><a name="l35.14">14</a>. O my Lord! how Thou dost show Thy power! +There is no need to seek reasons for Thy will; for with Thee, against +all natural reason, all things are possible: so that thou teachest +clearly there is no need of anything but of loving Thee +[<a href="#l35note16">16</a>] in earnest, and really giving up +everything for Thee, in order that Thou, O my Lord, might make +everything easy. It is well said that Thou feignest to make Thy law +difficult: [<a href="#l35note17">17</a>] I do not see it, nor do I +feel that the way that leadeth unto Thee is narrow. I see it as a +royal road, and not a pathway; a road upon which whosoever really +enters, travels most securely. No mountain passes and no cliffs are +near it: these are the occasions of sin. I call that a pass,--a +dangerous pass,--and a narrow road, which has on one side a deep +hollow, into which one stumbles, and on the other a precipice, over +which they who are careless fall, and are dashed to pieces. He who +loves Thee, O my God, travels safely by the open and royal road, far +away from the precipice: he has scarcely stumbled at all, when Thou +stretchest forth Thy hand to save him. One fall--yea, many falls--if +he does but love Thee, and not the things of the world, are not enough +to make him perish; he travels in the valley of humility. I cannot +understand what it is that makes men afraid of the way +of perfection.</p> +<p><a name="l35.15">15</a>. May our Lord of His mercy make us see what +a poor security we have in the midst of dangers so manifest, when we +live like the rest of the world; and that true security consists in +striving to advance in the way of God! Let us fix our eyes upon Him, +and have no fear that the Sun of justice will ever set, or suffer us +to travel to our ruin by night, unless we first look away from Him. +People are not afraid of living in the midst of lions, every one of +whom seems eager to tear them: I am speaking of honours, pleasures, +and the like joys, as the world calls them: and herein the devil seems +to make us afraid of ghosts. I am astonished a thousand times, and +ten thousand times would I relieve myself by weeping, and proclaim +aloud my own great blindness and wickedness, if, perchance, it might +help in some measure to open their eyes. May He, who is almighty, of +His goodness open their eyes, and never suffer mine to be +blind again!</p> +<hr title="Notes"> +<p><small><a name="l35note1">1</a>. Doña Luisa de +la Cerda.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l35note2">2</a>. Maria of Jesus was the daughter of +a Reporter of Causes in the Chancery of Granada; but his name and that +of his wife are not known. Maria married, but became a widow soon +afterwards. She then became a novice in the Carmelite monastery in +Granada, and during her noviciate had revelations, like those of <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Teresa, about a reform of the Order. Her +confessor made light of her revelations, and she then referred them to +F. Gaspar de Salazar, a confessor of <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Teresa, who was then in Granada. He approved +of them, and Maria left the noviciate, and went to Rome with two holy +women of the Order of <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Francis. The +three made the journey on foot, and, moreover, barefooted. Pope Pius +IV. heard her prayer, and, looking at her torn and bleeding feet, said +to her, "Woman of strong courage, let it be as thou wilt." +She returned to Granada, but both the Carmelites and the city refused +her permission to found her house there, and some went so far as to +threaten to have her publicly whipped. Doña Leonor de Mascareñas gave +her a house in Alcala de Henares, of which she took possession Sept. +11, 1562; but the house was formally constituted July 23, 1563, and +subjected to the Bishop ten days after +(<cite lang="es">Reforma</cite>, i. c. 59; and <cite lang="es">Don +Vicente</cite>, vol. i. p. 255). The latter says that the Chronicler +is in error when he asserts that this monastery of Maria of Jesus +was endowed.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l35note3">3</a>. The sixth chapter of the rule is: +<span lang="la">"Nullus fratrum sibi aliquid proprium, esse dicat, +sed sint vobis omnia communia."</span></small></p> +<p><small><a name="l35note4">4</a>. See <a +href="#l32.13">ch. xxxii. § 13</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l35note5">5</a>. The Constitutions which the Saint +read in the Monastery of the Incarnation must have been the +Constitutions grounded on the Mitigated Rule which was sanctioned by +Eugenius IV. (<cite lang="la">Romani Pontificis</cite>, +A.D. 1432).</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l35note6">6</a>. See <a +href="#r1.10"><cite>Relation</cite>, i. +§ 10</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l35note7">7</a>. F. Pedro Ibañez.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l35note8">8</a>. <a href="#l11.3">Ch. +xi. § 3</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l35note9">9</a>. F. Pedro Ibañez.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l35note10">10</a>. The house of Doña Luisa, +in Toledo.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l35note11">11</a>. The monastery of the +Incarnation, Avila.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l35note12">12</a>. 2 Cor. xii. 9: <span +lang="la">"Virtus in +infirmitate perficitur."</span></small></p> +<p><small><a name="l35note13">13</a>. See <cite>Way of +Perfection</cite>, ch. xxii.; but ch. xiii. ed. Doblado.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l35note14">14</a>. See <cite>Foundations</cite>, +ch. I, § 1.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l35note15">15</a>. <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> +Matt. xix. 29: <span lang="la">"Et omnis qui reliquerit +domum . . . propter nomen Meum, centuplum accipiet, et vitam +æternam possidebit."</span></small></p> +<p><small><a name="l35note16">16</a>. When the workmen were busy with +the building, a nephew of the Saint, the child of her sister and Don +Juan de Ovalle, was struck by some falling stones and killed. The +workmen took the child to his mother: and the Saint, then in the house +of Doña Guiomar de Ulloa, was sent for. Doña Guiomar took the dead +boy into her arms, gave him to the Saint, saying that it was a +grievous blow to the father and mother, and that she must obtain his +life from God. The Saint took the body, and, laying it in her lap, +ordered those around her to cease their lamentations, of whom her +sister was naturally the loudest, and be silent. Then, covering her +face and her body with her veil, she prayed to God, and God gave the +child his life again. The little boy soon after ran up to his aunt +and thanked her for what she had done. In after years the child used +to say to the Saint that, as she had deprived him of the bliss of +heaven by bringing him back to life, she was bound to see that he did +not suffer loss. Don Gonzalo died three years after <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Teresa, when he was twenty-eight years of age +(<cite lang="es">Reforma</cite>, i. c. 42, § 2).</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l35note17">17</a>. Psalm xciii. 20: <span +lang="la">"Qui fingis laborem in præcepto."</span></small></p> +<hr title="Text"> +<h3><a name="l36.0">Chapter XXXVI.</a></h3> +<p><big>The Foundation of the Monastery of <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Joseph. Persecution and Temptations. Great +Interior Trial of the Saint, and Her Deliverance.</big></p> +<p><a name="l36.1">1</a>. Having now left that +city, [<a href="#l36note1">1</a>] I travelled in great joy, resolved +to suffer most willingly whatever our Lord might be pleased to lay +upon me. On the night of my arrival here, [<a href="#l36note2">2</a>] +came also from Rome the commission and the Brief for the erection of +the monastery. [<a href="#l36note3">3</a>] I was astonished myself, +and so were those who knew how our Lord hastened my coming, when they +saw how necessary it was, and in what a moment our Lord had brought me +back. [<a href="#l36note4">4</a>] I found here the Bishop and the +holy friar, [<a href="#l36note5">5</a>] Peter of Alcantara, and that +nobleman, [<a href="#l36note6">6</a>] the great servant of God, in +whose house the holy man was staying; for he was a man who was in the +habit of receiving the servants of God in his house. These two +prevailed on the Bishop to accept the monastery, which was no small +thing, because it was founded in poverty; but he was so great a lover +of those whom he saw determined to serve our Lord, that he was +immediately drawn to give them His protection. It was the approbation +of the holy old man, [<a href="#l36note7">7</a>] and the great trouble +he took to make now this one, now that one, help us, that did the +whole work. If I had not come at the moment, as I have just said, I +do not see how it could have been done; for the holy man was here but +a short time,--I think not quite eight days,--during which he was also +ill; and almost immediately afterwards our Lord took him to +Himself. [<a href="#l36note8">8</a>] It seems as if His Majesty +reserved him till this affair was ended, because now for some time--I +think for more than two years--he had been very ill.</p> +<p><a name="l36.2">2</a>. Everything was done in the utmost secrecy; +and if it had not been so, I do not see how anything could have been +done at all; for the people of the city were against us, as it +appeared afterwards. Our Lord ordained that one of my +brothers-in-law [<a href="#l36note9">9</a>] should be ill, and his wife +away, and himself in such straits that my superiors gave me leave to +remain with him. Nothing, therefore, was found out, though some +persons had their suspicions;--still, they did not believe. It was +very wonderful, for his illness lasted only no longer than was +necessary for our affair; and when it was necessary he should recover +his health, that I might be disengaged, and he leave the house empty, +our Lord restored him; and he was astonished at +it himself. [<a href="#l36note10">10</a>]</p> +<p><a name="l36.3">3</a>. I had much trouble in persuading this person +and that to allow the foundation; I had to nurse the sick man, and +obtain from the workmen the hasty preparation of the house, so that it +might have the form of a monastery; but much remained still to be +done. My friend was not here, [<a href="#l36note11">11</a>] for we +thought it best she should be away, in order the better to hide our +purpose. I saw that everything depended on haste, for many, reasons, +one of which was that I was afraid I might be ordered back to my +monastery at any moment. I was troubled by so many things, that I +suspected my cross had been sent me, though it seemed but a light one +in comparison with that which I understood our Lord meant me +to carry.</p> +<p><a name="l36.4">4</a>. When everything was settled, our Lord was +pleased that some of us should take the habit on <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Bartholomew's Day. The most Holy Sacrament +began to dwell in the house at the same +time. [<a href="#l36note12">12</a>] With full sanction and authority, +then, our monastery of our most glorious father <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Joseph was founded in the year +1562. [<a href="#l36note13">13</a>] I was there myself to give the +habit, with two nuns [<a href="#l36note14">14</a>] of the house to +which we belonged, who happened then to be absent from it. As the +house which thus became a monastery was that of my brother-in-law--I +said before [<a href="#l36note15">15</a>] that he had bought it, for +the purpose of concealing our plan--I was there myself with the +permission of my superiors; and I did nothing without the advice of +learned men, in order that I might not break, in a single point, my +vow of obedience. As these persons considered what I was doing to be +most advantageous for the whole Order, on many accounts, they told +me--though I was acting secretly, and taking care my superiors should +know nothing--that I might go on. If they had told me that there was +the slightest imperfection in the whole matter, I would have given up +the founding of a thousand monasteries,--how much more, then, this +one! I am certain of this; for though I longed to withdraw from +everything more and more, and to follow my rule and vocation in the +greatest perfection and seclusion, yet I wished to do so only +conditionally: for if I should have learnt that it would be for the +greater honour of our Lord to abandon it, I would have done so, as I +did before on one occasion, [<a href="#l36note16">16</a>] in all peace +and contentment.</p> +<p><a name="l36.5">5</a>. I felt as if I were in bliss, when I saw the +most Holy Sacrament reserved, with four poor +orphans, [<a href="#l36note17">17</a>]--for they were received without +a dowry,--and great servants of God, established in the house. It was +our aim from the beginning to receive only those who, by their +example, might be the foundation on which we could build up what we +had in view--great perfection and prayer--and effect a work which I +believed to be for the service of our Lord, and to the honour of the +habit of His glorious Mother. This was my anxiety. It was also a +great consolation to me that I had done that which our Lord had so +often commanded me to do, and that there was one church more in this +city dedicated to my glorious father <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Joseph. Not that I thought I had done +anything myself, for I have never thought so, and do not think so even +now; I always looked upon it as the work of our Lord. My part in it +was so full of imperfections, that I look upon myself rather as a +person in fault than as one to whom any thanks are due. But it was a +great joy to me when I saw His Majesty make use of me, who am so +worthless, as His instrument in so grand a work. I was therefore in +great joy,--so much so, that I was, as it were, beside myself, lost +in prayer.</p> +<p><a name="l36.6">6</a>. When all was done--it might have been about +three or four hours afterwards--Satan returned to the spiritual fight +against me, as I shall now relate. He suggested to me that perhaps I +had been wrong in what I had done; perhaps I had failed in my +obedience, in having brought it about without the commandment of the +Provincial. I did certainly think that the Provincial would be +displeased because I had placed the monastery under the jurisdiction +of the Bishop [<a href="#l36note18">18</a>] without telling him of it +beforehand; though, as he would not acknowledge the monastery himself, +and as I had not changed mine, it seemed to me that perhaps he would +not care much about the matter. Satan also suggested whether the nuns +would be contented to live in so strict a house, whether they could +always find food, whether I had not done a silly thing, and what had I +to do with it, when I was already in a monastery? All our Lord had +said to me, all the opinions I had heard, and all the prayers which +had been almost uninterrupted for more than two years, were completely +blotted out of my memory, just as if they had never been. The only +thing I remembered was my own opinion; and every virtue, with faith +itself, was then suspended within me, so that I was without strength +to practise any one of them, or to defend myself against so +many blows.</p> +<p><a name="l36.7">7</a>. The devil also would have me ask myself how +I could think of shutting myself up in so strict a house, when I was +subject to so many infirmities; how could I bear so penitential a +life, and leave a house large and pleasant, where I had been always so +happy, and where I had so many friends?--perhaps I might not like +those of the new monastery; I had taken on myself a heavy obligation, +and might possibly end in despair. He also suggested that perhaps it +was he himself who had contrived it, in order to rob me of my peace +and rest, so that, being unable to pray, I might be disquieted, and so +lose my soul. Thoughts of this kind he put before me; and they were +so many, that I could think of nothing else; and with them came such +distress, obscurity, and darkness of soul as I can never describe. +When I found myself in this state, I went and placed myself before the +most Holy Sacrament, though I could not pray to Him; so great was my +anguish, that I was like one in the agony of death. I could not make +the matter known to any one, because no confessor had as yet +been appointed.</p> +<p><a name="l36.8">8</a>. O my God, how wretched is this life! No joy +is lasting; everything is liable to change. Only a moment ago, I do +not think I would have exchanged my joy with any man upon earth; and +the very grounds of that joy so tormented me now, that I knew not what +to do with myself. Oh, if we did but consider carefully the events of +our life, every one of us would learn from experience how little we +ought to make either of its pleasures or of its pains! Certainly this +was, I believe, one of the most distressing moments I ever passed in +all my life; my spirit seemed to forecast the great sufferings in +store for me, though they never were so heavy as this was, if it had +continued. But our Lord would not let His poor servant suffer, for in +all my troubles He never failed to succour me; so it was now. He gave +me a little light, so that I might see it was the work of the devil, +and might understand the truth,--namely, that it was nothing else but +an attempt on his part to frighten me with his lies. So I began to +call to mind my great resolutions to serve our Lord, and my desire to +suffer for His sake; and I thought that if I carried them out, I must +not seek to be at rest; that if I had my trials, they would be +meritorious; and that if I had troubles, and endured them in order to +please God, it would serve me for purgatory. What was I, then, afraid +of? If I longed for tribulations, I had them now; and my gain lay in +the greatest opposition. Why, then, did I fail in courage to serve +One to whom I owed so much?</p> +<p><a name="l36.9">9</a>. After making these and other reflections, +and doing great violence to myself, I promised before the most Holy +Sacrament to do all in my power to obtain permission to enter this +house, and, if I could do it with a good conscience, to make a vow of +enclosure. When I had done this, the devil fled in a moment, and left +me calm and peaceful, and I have continued so ever since; and the +enclosure, penances, and other rules of this house are to me, in their +observance, so singularly sweet and light, the joy I have is so +exceedingly great, that I am now and then thinking what on earth I +could have chosen which should be more delightful. I know not whether +this may not be the cause of my being in better health than I was ever +before, or whether it be that our Lord, because it is needful and +reasonable that I should do as all the others do, gives me this +comfort of keeping the whole rule, though with some difficulty. +However, all who know my infirmities, are astonished at my strength. +Blessed be He who giveth it all, and in whose strength I +am strong!</p> +<p><a name="l36.10">10</a>. Such a contest left me greatly fatigued, +and laughing at Satan; for I saw clearly it was he. As I have never +known what it is to be discontented because I am a nun--no, not for an +instant--during more than twenty-eight years of religion, I believe +that our Lord suffered me to be thus tempted, that I might understand +how great a mercy He had shown me herein, and from what torment He had +delivered me, and that if I saw any one in like trouble I might not be +alarmed at it, but have pity on her, and be able to console her.</p> +<p><a name="l36.11">11</a>. Then, when this was over, I wished to rest +myself a little after our dinner; for during the whole of that night I +had scarcely rested at all, and for some nights previously I had had +much trouble and anxiety, while every day was full of toil; for the +news of what we had done had reached my monastery, and was spread +through the city. There arose a great outcry, for the reasons I +mentioned before, [<a href="#l36note19">19</a>] and there was some +apparent ground for it. The prioress [<a href="#l36note20">20</a>] +sent for me to come to her immediately. When I received the order, I +went at once, leaving the nuns in great distress. I saw clearly +enough that there were troubles before me; but as the work was really +done, I did not care much for that. I prayed and implored our Lord to +help me, and my father <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Joseph to bring +me back to his house. I offered up to him all I was to suffer, +rejoicing greatly that I had the opportunity of suffering for his +honour and of doing him service. I went persuaded that I should be +put in prison at once but this would have been a great comfort, +because I should have nobody to speak to, and might have some rest and +solitude, of which I was in great need; for so much intercourse with +people had worn me out.</p> +<p><a name="l36.12">12</a>. When I came and told the prioress what I +had done, she was softened a little. They all sent for the +Provincial, and the matter was reserved for him. When he came, I was +summoned to judgment, rejoicing greatly at seeing that I had something +to suffer for our Lord. I did not think I had offended against His +Majesty, or against my Order, in anything I had done; on the contrary, +I was striving with all my might to exalt my Order, for which I would +willingly have died,--for my whole desire was that its rule might be +observed in all perfection. I thought of Christ receiving sentence, +and I saw how this of mine would be less than nothing. I confessed my +fault, as if I had been very much to blame; and so I seemed to every +one who did not know all the reasons. After the Provincial had +rebuked me sharply--though not with the severity which my fault +deserved, nor according to the representations made to him--I would +not defend myself, for I was determined to bear it all; on the +contrary, I prayed him to forgive and punish, and be no longer angry +with me.</p> +<p><a name="l36.13">13</a>. I saw well enough that they condemned me +on some charges of which I was innocent, for they said I had founded +the monastery that I might be thought much of, and to make myself a +name, and for other reasons of that kind. But on other points I +understood clearly that they were speaking the truth, as when they +said that I was more wicked than the other nuns. They asked, how +could I, who had not kept the rule in that house, think of keeping it +in another of stricter observance? They said I was giving scandal in +the city, and setting up novelties. All this neither troubled nor +distressed me in the least, though I did seem to feel it, lest I +should appear to make light of what they were saying.</p> +<p><a name="l36.14">14</a>. At last the Provincial commanded me to +explain my conduct before the nuns, and I had to do it. As I was +perfectly calm, and our Lord helped me, I explained everything in such +a way that neither the Provincial nor those who were present found any +reason to condemn me. Afterwards I spoke more plainly to the +Provincial alone; he was very much satisfied, and promised, if the new +monastery prospered, and the city became quiet, to give me leave to +live in it. Now the outcry in the city was very great, as I <a +name="page337">am</a> going to tell. Two or three days after this, +the governor, certain members of the council of the city and of the +Chapter, came together, and resolved that the new monastery should not +be allowed to exist, that it was a visible wrong to the state, that +the most Holy Sacrament should be removed, and that they would not +suffer us to go on with our work.</p> +<p><a name="l36.15">15</a>. They assembled all the Orders--that is, +two learned men from each--to give their opinion. Some were silent, +others condemned; in the end, they resolved that the monastery should +be broken up. Only one [<a href="#l36note21">21</a>]--he was of the +Order of <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Dominic, and objected, not to +the monastery itself, but to the foundation of it in poverty--said +that there was no reason why it should be thus dissolved, that the +matter ought to be well considered, that there was time enough, that +it was the affair of the bishop, with other things of that kind. This +was of great service to us, for they were angry enough to proceed to +its destruction at once, and it was fortunate they did not. In short, +the monastery must exist; our Lord was pleased to have it, and all of +them could do nothing against His will. They gave their reasons, and +showed their zeal for good, and thus, without offending God, made me +suffer together with all those who were in favour of the monastery; +there were not many, but they suffered much persecution. The +inhabitants were so excited, that they talked of nothing else; every +one condemned me, and hurried to the Provincial and to +my monastery.</p> +<p><a name="l36.16">16</a>. I was no more distressed by what they said +of me than if they had said nothing; but I was afraid the monastery +would be destroyed: that was painful; so also was it to see those +persons who helped me lose their credit and suffer so much annoyance. +But as to what was said of myself I was rather glad, and if I had had +any faith I should not have been troubled at all. But a slight +failing in one virtue is enough to put all the others to sleep. I was +therefore extremely distressed during the two days on which those +assemblies of which I have spoken were held. In the extremity of my +trouble, our Lord said to me: "Knowest thou not that I am the +Almighty? what art thou afraid of?" He made me feel assured that +the monastery would not be broken up, and I was exceedingly comforted. +The informations taken were sent up to the king's council, and an +order came back for a report on the whole matter.</p> +<p><a name="l36.17">17</a>. Here was the beginning of a grand lawsuit: +the city sent delegates to the court, and some must be sent also to +defend the monastery: but I had no money, nor did I know what to do. +Our Lord provided for us for the Father Provincial never ordered me +not to meddle in the matter. He is so great a lover of all that is +good, that, though he did not help us, he would not be against our +work. Neither did he authorise me to enter the house till he saw how +it would end. Those servants of God who were in it were left alone, +and did more by their prayers than I did with all my negotiations, +though the affair needed the utmost attention. Now and then +everything seemed to fail; particularly one day, before the Provincial +came, when the prioress ordered me to meddle no more with it, and to +give it up altogether. I betook myself to God, and said, "O Lord, +this house is not mine; it was founded for Thee; and now that there is +no one to take up the cause, do Thou protect it." I now felt +myself in peace, and as free from anxiety as if the whole world were +on my side in the matter; and at once I looked upon it +as safe. [<a href="#l36note22">22</a>]</p> +<p><a name="l36.18">18</a>. A very great servant of God, and a lover +of all perfection, a priest [<a href="#l36note23">23</a>] who had +helped me always, went to the court on this business, and took great +pains. That holy nobleman [<a href="#l36note24">24</a>] of whom I have +often spoken laboured much on our behalf, and helped us in every way. +He had much trouble and persecution to endure, and I always found a +father in him, and do so still. All those who helped us, our Lord +filled with such fervour as made them consider our affair as their +own, as if their own life and reputation were at stake; and yet it was +nothing to them, except in so far as it regarded the service of our +Lord. His Majesty visibly helped the priest I have spoken of +before, [<a href="#l36note25">25</a>] who was also one of those who +gave us great help when the Bishop sent him as his representative to +one of the great meetings. There he stood alone against all; at last +he pacified them by means of certain propositions, which obtained us a +little respite. But that was not enough; for they were ready to spend +their lives, if they could but destroy the monastery. This servant of +God was he who gave the habit and reserved the most Holy Sacrament, +and he was the object of much persecution. This attack lasted about +six months: to relate in detail the heavy trials we passed through +would be too tedious.</p> +<p><a name="l36.19">19</a>. I wondered at what Satan did against a few +poor women, and also how all people thought that merely twelve women, +with a prioress, could be so hurtful to the city,--for they were not +to be more,--I say this to those who opposed us,--and living such +austere lives; for if any harm or error came of it, it would all fall +upon them. Harm to the city there could not be in any way; and yet +the people thought there was so much in it, that they opposed us with +a good conscience. At last they resolved they would tolerate us if we +were endowed, and in consideration of that would suffer us to remain. +I was so distressed at the trouble of all those who were on our +side--more than at my own--that I thought it would not be amiss, till +the people were pacified, to accept an endowment, but afterwards to +resign it. At other times, too, wicked and imperfect as I am, I +thought that perhaps our Lord wished it to be so, seeing that, without +accepting it, we could not succeed; and so I consented to +the compromise.</p> +<p><a name="l36.20">20</a>. The night before the settlement was to be +made, I was in prayer,--the discussion of the terms of it had already +begun,--when our Lord said to me that I must do nothing of the kind; +for if we began with an endowment, they would never allow us to resign +it. He said some other things also. The same night, the holy friar, +Peter of Alcantara, appeared to me. He was then +dead. [<a href="#l36note26">26</a>] But he had written to me before +his death--for he knew the great opposition and persecution we had to +bear--that he was glad the foundation was so much spoken against; it +was a sign that our Lord would be exceedingly honoured in the +monastery, seeing that Satan was so earnest against it; and that I was +by no means to consent to an endowment. He urged this upon me twice +or thrice in that letter, and said that if I persisted in this +everything would succeed according to my wish.</p> +<p><a name="l36.21">21</a>. At this time I had already seen him twice +since his death, and the great glory he was in, and so I was not +afraid,--on the contrary, I was very glad; for he always appeared as a +glorified body in great happiness, and the vision made me very happy +too. I remember that he told me, the first time I saw him, among +other things, when speaking of the greatness of his joy, that the +penance he had done was a blessed thing for him, in that it had +obtained so great a reward. But, as I think I have spoken of this +before, [<a href="#l36note27">27</a>] I will now say no more than that +he showed himself severe on this occasion: he merely said that I was +on no account to accept an endowment, and asked why it was I did not +take his advice. He then disappeared. I remained in astonishment, +and the next day told the nobleman--for I went to him in all my +trouble, as to one who did more than others for us in the +matter,--what had taken place, and charged him not to consent to the +endowment, but to let the lawsuit go on. He was more firm on this +point than I was, and was therefore greatly pleased; he told me +afterwards how much he disliked the compromise.</p> +<p><a name="l36.22">22</a>. After this, another personage--a great +servant of God, and with good intentions--came forward, who, now that +the matter was in good train, advised us to put it in the hands of +learned men. This brought on trouble enough; for some of those who +helped me agreed to do so; and this plot of Satan was one of the most +difficult of all to unravel. Our Lord was my helper throughout. +Writing thus briefly, it is impossible for me to explain what took +place during the two years that passed between the beginning and the +completion of the monastery: the last six months and the first six +months were the most painful.</p> +<p><a name="l36.23">23</a>. When at last the city was somewhat calm, +the licentiate father, the Dominican +friar [<a href="#l36note28">28</a>] who helped us, exerted himself most +skilfully on our behalf. Though not here at the time, our Lord +brought him here at a most convenient moment for our service, and it +seems that His Majesty brought him for that purpose only. He told me +afterwards that he had no reasons for coming, and that he heard of our +affair as if by chance. He remained here as long as we wanted him, +and on going away he prevailed, by some means, on the Father +Provincial to permit me to enter this house, and to take with me some +of the nuns [<a href="#l36note29">29</a>]--such a permission seemed +impossible in so short a time for the performance of the Divine +Office--and the training of those who were in this house: the day of +our coming was a most joyful day +for me. [<a href="#l36note30">30</a>]</p> +<p><a name="l36.24">24</a>. While praying in the church, before I went +into the house, and being as it were in a trance, I saw Christ; who, +as it seemed to me, received me with great affection, placed a crown +on my head, and thanked me for what I had done for His Mother. On +another occasion, when all of us remained in the choir in prayer after +Compline, I saw our Lady in exceeding glory, in a white mantle, with +which she seemed to cover us all. I understood by that the high +degree of glory to which our Lord would raise the religious of +this house.</p> +<p><a name="l36.25">25</a>. When we had begun to sing the Office, the +people began to have a great devotion to the monastery; more nuns were +received, and our Lord began to stir up those who had been our +greatest persecutors to become great benefactors, and give alms to us. +In this way they came to approve of what they had condemned; and so, +by degrees, they withdrew from the lawsuit, and would say that they +now felt it to be a work of God, since His Majesty had been pleased to +carry it on in the face of so much opposition. And now there is not +one who thinks that it would have been right not to have founded the +monastery: so they make a point of furnishing us with alms; for +without any asking on our part, without begging of any one, our Lord +moves them to, succour us; and so we always have what is necessary for +us, and I trust in our Lord it will always be +so. [<a href="#l36note31">31</a>] As the sisters are few in number, if +they do their duty as our Lord at present by His grace enables them to +do, I am confident that they will always have it, and that they need +not be a burden nor troublesome to anybody; for our Lord will care for +them, as He has hitherto done.</p> +<p><a name="l36.26">26</a>. It is the greatest consolation to me to +find myself among those who are so detached. Their occupation is to +learn how they may advance in the service of God. Solitude is their +delight; and the thought of being visited by any one, even of their +nearest kindred, is a trial, unless it helps them to kindle more and +more their love of the Bridegroom. Accordingly, none come to this +house who do not aim at this; otherwise they neither give nor receive +any pleasure from their visits. Their conversation is of God only; +and so he whose conversation is different does not understand them, +and they do not understand him.</p> +<p><a name="l36.27">27</a>. We keep the rule of our Lady of Carmel, +not the rule of the Mitigation, but as it was settled by Fr. Hugo, +Cardinal of Santa Sabina, and given in the year 1248, in the fifth +year of the pontificate of Innocent IV., Pope. All the trouble we had +to go through, as it seems to me, will have been endured to +good purpose.</p> +<p><a name="l36.28">28</a>. And now, though the rule be somewhat +severe,--for we never eat flesh except in cases of necessity, fast +eight months in the year, and practise some other austerities besides, +according to the primitive rule, [<a href="#l36note32">32</a>]--yet +the sisters think it light on many points, and so they have other +observances, which we have thought necessary for the more perfect +keeping of it. And I trust in our Lord that what we have begun will +prosper more and more, according to the promise of His Majesty.</p> +<p><a name="l36.29">29</a>. The other house, which the holy woman of +whom I spoke before [<a href="#l36note33">33</a>] laboured to +establish, has been also blessed of our Lord, and is founded in +Alcala: it did not escape serious opposition, nor fail to endure many +trials. I know that all duties of religion are observed in it, +according to our primitive rule. Our Lord grant that all may be to +the praise and glory of Himself and of the glorious Virgin Mary, whose +habit we wear. Amen.</p> +<p><a name="l36.30">30</a>. I think you must be wearied, my father, by +the tedious history of this monastery; and yet it is most concise, if +you compare it with our labours, and the wonders which our Lord has +wrought here. There are many who can bear witness to this on oath. I +therefore beg of your reverence, for the love of God, should you think +fit to destroy the rest of this my writing, to preserve that part of +it which relates to this monastery, and give it, when I am dead, to +the sisters who may then be living in it. It will encourage them +greatly, who shall come here both to serve God and to labour, that +what has been thus begun may not fall to decay, but ever grow and +thrive, when they see how much our Lord has done through one so mean +and vile as I. As our Lord has been so particularly gracious to us in +the foundation of this house it seems to me that she will do very +wrong, and that she will be heavily chastised of God, who shall be the +first to relax the perfect observance of the rule, which our Lord has +here begun and countenanced, so that it may be kept with so much +sweetness: it is most evident that the observance of it is easy, and +that it can be kept with ease, by the arrangement made for those who +long to be alone with their Bridegroom Christ, in order to live for +ever in Him.</p> +<p><a name="l36.31">31</a>. This is to be the perpetual aim of those +who are here, to be alone with Him alone. They are not to be more in +number than thirteen: I know this number to be the best, for I have +had many opinions about it; and I have seen in my own experience, that +to preserve our spirit, living on alms, without asking of anyone, a +larger number would be inexpedient. May they always believe one who +with much labour, and by the prayers of many people, accomplished that +which must be for the best! That this is most expedient for us will +be seen from the joy and cheerfulness, and the few troubles, we have +all had in the years we have lived in this house, as well as from the +better health than usual of us all. If any one thinks the rule hard, +let her lay the fault on her want of the true spirit, and not on the +rule of the house, seeing that delicate persons, and those not +saints,--because they have the true spirit,--can bear it all with so +much sweetness. Let others go to another monastery, where they may +save their souls in the way of their own spirit.</p> +<hr title="Notes"> +<p><small><a name="l36note1">1</a>. Toledo.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l36note2">2</a>. Avila. In the beginning of +June, 1562.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l36note3">3</a>. See <a +href="#l34.2">ch. xxxiv. § 2</a>. The Brief was dated +Feb. 7, 1562, the third year of Pius IV. (<cite>De +la Fuente</cite>).</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l36note4">4</a>. The Brief was addressed to Doña +Aldonza de Guzman, and to Doña Guiomar de Ulloa, +her daughter.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l36note5">5</a>. Don Alvaro de Mendoza (<cite>De +la Fuente</cite>).</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l36note6">6</a>. Don Francisco +de Salcedo.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l36note7">7</a>. <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> +Peter of Alcantara. "Truly this is the house of <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Joseph," were the Saint's words when he +saw the rising monastery; "for I see it is the little hospice of +Bethlehem" (<cite>De la Fuente</cite>).</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l36note8">8</a>. In less than three months, +perhaps; for <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Peter died in the +sixty-third year of his age, Oct. 18, 1562, and in less than +eight weeks after the foundation of the monastery of <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Joseph.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l36note9">9</a>. Don Juan de Ovalle.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l36note10">10</a>. When he saw that the Saint had +made all her arrangements, he knew the meaning of his illness, and +said to her, "It is not necessary I should be ill any longer" +(<cite>Ribera</cite>, i. c. 8).</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l36note11">11</a>. Doña Guiomar de Ulloa was now in +her native place, Ciudad Toro.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l36note12">12</a>. The Mass was said by Gaspar +Daza. See <i lang="la">infra</i>, <a href="#l36.18">§ 18</a>; +<cite lang="es">Reforma</cite>, i. c. xlvi. § 3.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l36note13">13</a>. The bell which the Saint had +provided for the convent weighed less than three pounds, and remained +in the monastery for a hundred years, till it was sent, by order of +the General, to the monastery of Pastrana, where the general chapters +were held. There the friars assembled at the sound of the bell, which +rang for the first Mass of the Carmelite Reform +(<cite lang="es">Reforma</cite>, i. c. xlvi. § 1).</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l36note14">14</a>. They were Doña Ines and Doña Ana +de Tapia, cousins of the Saint. There were present also Don Gonzalo +de Aranda, Don Francisco Salcedo, Julian of Avila, priest; Doña Juana +de Ahumada, the Saint's sister; with her husband, Juan de Ovalle. The +Saint herself retained her own habit, making no change, because she +had not the permission of her superiors +(<cite lang="es">Reforma</cite>, i. c. xlvi. § 2).</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l36note15">15</a>. <a href="#l33.13">Ch. +xxxiii. § 13</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l36note16">16</a>. <a href="#l33.3">Ch. +xxxiii. § 3</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l36note17">17</a>. The first of these was Antonia +de Henao, a penitent of <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Peter of +Alcantara, and who wished to enter a religious house far away from +Avila, her home. <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Peter kept her for +<abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Teresa. She was called from this day +forth Antonia of the Holy Ghost. The second was Maria de la Paz, +brought up by Doña Guiomar de Ulloa. Her name was Maria of the Cross. +The third was Ursola de los Santos. She retained her family name as +Ursola of the Saints. It was Gaspar Daza who brought her to the +Saint. The fourth was Maria de Avila, sister of Julian the priest, +and she was called Mary of <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Joseph. It +was at this house, too, that the Saint herself exchanged her ordinary +designation of Doña Teresa de Ahumada for Teresa of Jesus +(<cite lang="es">Reforma</cite>, i. c. xlvi. § 2).</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l36note18">18</a>. See <cite>Foundations</cite>, +ch. ii. § 1, and ch. xxxi, § 1.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l36note19">19</a>. <a href="#l33.1">Ch. +xxxiii. §§ 1, 2</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l36note20">20</a>. Of the Incarnation.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l36note21">21</a>. F. Domingo Bañes, the great +commentator on <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Thomas. On the margin +of the <abbr title="manuscript">MS.</abbr>, Bañes has with his own +hand written: "This was at the end of August, 1562. I was +present, and gave this opinion. I am writing this in May" (the +day of the month is not legible) "1575, and the mother has now +founded nine monasteries <i lang="es">en gran religion</i>" +(<cite>De la Fuente</cite>). At this time Bañes did not know, and had +never seen, the Saint; he undertook her defence simply because he saw +that her intentions were good, and the means she made use of for +founding the monastery lawful, seeing that she had received the +commandment to do so from the Pope. Bañes testifies thus in the +depositions made in Salamanca in 1591 in the Saint's process. See +vol. ii. p. 376 of Don Vicente's edition.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l36note22">22</a>. See <a +href="#l39.25">Ch. xxxix. § 25</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l36note23">23</a>. Gonzalo de Aranda (<cite>De +la Fuente</cite>).</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l36note24">24</a>. Don Francisco de +Salcedo (<i lang="la">ibid.</i>).</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l36note25">25</a>. <a href="#l23.6">Ch. +xxiii. § 6</a>; Gaspar Daza (<i lang="la">ibid.</i>).</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l36note26">26</a>. He died Oct. +18, 1562.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l36note27">27</a>. <a href="#l27.21">Ch. +xxvii. § 21</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l36note28">28</a>. <span lang="es">"El Padre +Presentado, Dominico. Presentado en algunas Religiones es cierto +titulo de grado que es respeto del Maestro como Licenciado"</span> +(<cite>Cobarruvias</cite>, <i lang="la">in voce</i> Presente). The +father was Fra Pedro Ibañez. See <a href="#l38.15">ch. +xxxviii. § 15</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l36note29">29</a>. From the monastery of the +Incarnation. These were Ana of <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> John, +Ana of All the Angels, Maria Isabel, and Isabel of <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Paul. <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Teresa +was a simple nun, living under obedience to the prioress of <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Joseph, Ana of <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> John, and intended so to remain. But the +nuns applied to the Bishop of Avila and to the Provincial of the +Order, who, listening to the complaints of the sisters, compelled the +Saint to be their prioress. See <cite lang="es">Reforma</cite>, i. c. +xlix. § 4.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l36note30">30</a>. Mid-Lent of 1563.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l36note31">31</a>. See <cite>Way of +Perfection</cite>, ch. ii.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l36note32">32</a>. <span lang="la">"Jejunium +singulis diebus, exceptis Dominicis, observetis a Festo Exaltationis +Sanctæ Crucis usque ad diem Dominicæ Resurrectionis, nisi infirmitas +vel debilitas corporis, aut alia justa causa, jejunium solvi suadeat; +quia necessitas non habet legem. Ab esu carnium abstineatis, nisi pro +infirmitatis aut debilitatis remedio sint sumantur."</span> That +is the tenth section of the rule.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l36note33">33</a>. See <a +href="#l35.1">ch. xxxv. § 1</a>. Maria of Jesus had +founded her house in Alcala de Henares; but the austerities practised +in it, and the absence of the religious mitigations which long +experience had introduced, were too much for the fervent nuns there +assembled. Maria of Jesus begged Doña Leonor de Mascareñas to +persuade <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Teresa to come to Alcala. The +Saint went to the monastery, and was received there with joy, and even +entreated to take the house under her own government +(<cite lang="es">Reforma</cite>, ii. c. x. §§ 3, 4).</small></p> +<hr title="Text"> +<h3><a name="l37.0">Chapter XXXVII.</a></h3> +<p><big>The Effects of the Divine Graces in the Soul. The Inestimable +Greatness of One Degree of Glory.</big></p> +<p><a name="l37.1">1</a>. It is painful to me to recount more of the +graces which our Lord gave me than these already spoken of; and they +are so many, that nobody can believe they were ever given to one so +wicked: but in obedience to our Lord, who has commanded me to do +it, [<a href="#l37note1">1</a>] and you, my fathers, I will speak of +some of them to His glory. May it please His Majesty it may be to the +profit of some soul! For if our Lord has been thus gracious to +so--miserable a thing as myself, what will He be to those who shall +serve Him truly? Let all people resolve to please His Majesty, seeing +that He gives such pledges as these even in +this life. [<a href="#l37note2">2</a>]</p> +<p><a name="l37.2">2</a>. In the first place, it must be understood +that, in those graces which God bestows on the soul, there are diverse +degrees of joy: for in some visions the joy and sweetness and comfort +of them so far exceed those of others, that I am amazed at the +different degrees of fruition even in this life; for it happens that +the joy and consolation which God gives in a vision or a trance are so +different, that it seems impossible for the soul to be able to desire +anything more in this world: and, so, in fact, the soul does not +desire, nor would it ask for, a greater joy. Still, since our Lord +has made me understand how great a difference there is in heaven +itself between the fruition of one and that of another, I see clearly +enough that here also, when our Lord wills, He gives not by +measure; [<a href="#l37note3">3</a>] and so I wish that I myself +observed no measure in serving His Majesty, and in using my whole life +and strength and health therein; and I would not have any fault of +mine rob me of the slightest degree of fruition.</p> +<p><a name="l37.3">3</a>. And so I say that if I were asked which I +preferred, to endure all the trials of the world until the end of it, +and then receive one slight degree of glory additional, or without any +suffering of any kind to enter into glory of a slightly lower degree, +I would accept--oh, how willingly!--all those trials for one slight +degree of fruition in the contemplation of the greatness of God; for I +know that he who understands Him best, loves Him and praises Him best. +I do not mean that I should not be satisfied, and consider myself most +blessed, to be in heaven, even if I should be in the lowest place; for +as I am one who had that place in hell, it would be a great mercy of +our Lord to admit me at all; and may it please His Majesty to bring me +thither, and take away His eyes from beholding my grievous sins. What +I mean is this,--if it were in my power, even if it cost me +everything, and our Lord gave me the grace to endure much affliction, +I would not through any fault of mine lose one degree of glory. Ah, +wretched that I am, who by so many faults had forfeited all!</p> +<p><a name="l37.4">4</a>. It is also to be observed that, in every +vision or revelation which our Lord in His mercy sent me, a great gain +accrued to my soul, and that in some of the visions this gain was very +great. The vision of Christ left behind an impression of His +exceeding beauty, and it remains with me to this day. One vision +alone of Him is enough to effect this; what, then, must all those +visions have done, which our Lord in His mercy sent me? One +exceedingly great blessing has resulted therefrom, and it is this,--I +had one very grievous fault, which was the source of much evil; +namely, whenever I found anybody well disposed towards myself, and I +liked him, I used to have such an affection for him as compelled me +always to remember and think of him, though I had no intention of +offending God: however, I was pleased to see him, to think of him and +of his good qualities. All this was so hurtful, that it brought my +soul to the very verge of destruction.</p> +<p><a name="l37.5">5</a>. But ever since I saw the great +beauty [<a href="#l37note4">4</a>] of our Lord, I never saw any one +who in comparison with Him seemed even endurable, or that could occupy +my thoughts. For if I but turn mine eyes inwardly for a moment to the +contemplation of the image which I have within me, I find myself so +free, that from that instant everything I see is loathsome in +comparison with the excellences and graces of which I had a vision in +our Lord. Neither is there any sweetness, nor any kind of pleasure, +which I can make any account of, compared with that which comes from +hearing but one word from His divine mouth. What, then, must it be +when I hear so many? I look upon it as impossible--unless our Lord, +for my sins, should permit the loss of this remembrance--that I should +have the power to occupy myself with anything in such a way as that I +should not instantly recover my liberty by thinking of our Lord.</p> +<p><a name="l37.6">6</a>. This has happened to me with some of my +confessors, for I always have a great affection for those who have the +direction of my soul. As I really saw in them only the +representatives of God, I thought my will was always there where it is +most occupied; and as I felt very safe in the matter, I always showed +myself glad to see them. [<a href="#l37note5">5</a>] They, on the +other hand, servants of God, and fearing Him, were afraid that I was +attaching and binding myself too much to them, though in a holy way, +and treated me with rudeness. This took place after I had become so +ready to obey them; for before that time I had no affection whatever +for them. I used to laugh to myself, when I saw how much they were +deceived. Though I was not always putting before them how little I +was attached to anybody, as clearly as I was convinced of it myself, +yet I did assure them of it; and they, in their further relations with +me, acknowledged how much I owed to our Lord in the matter. These +suspicions of me always arose in the beginning.</p> +<p><a name="l37.7">7</a>. My love of, and trust in, our Lord, after I +had seen Him in a vision, began to grow, for my converse with Him was +so continual. I saw that, though He was God, He was man also; that He +is not surprised at the frailties of men, that He understands our +miserable nature, liable to fall continually, because of the first +sin, for the reparation of which He had come. I could speak to Him as +to a friend, though He is my Lord, because I do not consider Him as +one of our earthly Lords, who affect a power they do not possess, who +give audience at fixed hours, and to whom only certain persons may +speak. If a poor man have any business with these, it will cost him +many goings and comings, and currying favour with others, together +with much pain and labour before he can speak to them. Ah, if such a +one has business with a king! Poor people, not of gentle blood, +cannot approach him, for they must apply to those who are his friends, +and certainly these are not persons who tread the world under their +feet; for they who do this speak the truth, fear nothing, and ought to +fear nothing; they are not courtiers, because it is not the custom of +a court, where they must be silent about those things they dislike, +must not even dare to think about them, lest they should fall +into disgrace.</p> +<p><a name="l37.8">8</a>. O King of glory, and Lord of all kings! oh, +how Thy kingly dignity is not hedged about by trifles of this kind! +Thy kingdom is for ever. We do not require chamberlains to introduce +us into Thy presence. The very vision of Thy person shows us at once +that Thou alone art to be called Lord. Thy Majesty is so manifest +that there is no need of a retinue or guard to make us confess that +Thou art King. An earthly king without attendants would be hardly +acknowledged; and though he might wish ever so much to be recognised, +people will not own him when he appears as others; it is necessary +that his dignity should be visible, if people are to believe in it. +This is reason enough why kings should affect so much state; for if +they had none, no one would respect them; this their semblance of +power is not in themselves, and their authority must come to them +from others.</p> +<p><a name="l37.9">9</a>. O my Lord! O my King! who can describe Thy +Majesty? It is impossible not to see that Thou art Thyself the great +Ruler of all, that the beholding of Thy Majesty fills men with awe. +But I am filled with greater awe, O my Lord, when I consider Thy +humility, and the love Thou hast for such as I am. We can converse +and speak with Thee about everything whenever we will; and when we +lose our first fear and awe at the vision of Thy Majesty, we have a +greater dread of offending Thee,--not arising out of the fear of +punishment, O my Lord, for that is as nothing in comparison with the +loss of Thee!</p> +<p><a name="l37.10">10</a>. Thus far of the blessings of this vision, +without speaking of others, which abide in the soul when it is past. +If it be from God, the fruits thereof show it, when the soul receives +light; for, as I have often said, [<a href="#l37note6">6</a>] the will +of our Lord is that the soul should be in darkness, and not see this +light. It is, therefore, nothing to be wondered at that I, knowing +myself to be so wicked as I am, should be afraid.</p> +<p><a name="l37.11">11</a>. It is only just now it happened to me to +be for eight days in a state wherein it seemed that I did not, and +could not, confess my obligations to God, or remember His mercies; but +my soul was so stupefied, and occupied with I know not what nor how: +not that I had any bad thoughts; only I was so incapable of good +thoughts, that I was laughing at myself, and even rejoicing to see how +mean a soul can be if God is not always working in +it. [<a href="#l37note7">7</a>] The soul sees clearly that God is not +away from it in this state, and that it is not in those great +tribulations which I have spoken of as being occasionally mine. +Though it heaps up fuel, and does the little it can do of itself, it +cannot make the fire of the love of God burn: it is a great mercy that +even the smoke is visible, showing that it is not altogether quenched. +Our Lord will return and kindle it; and until then the soul--though it +may lose its breath in blowing and arranging the fuel--seems to be +doing nothing but putting it out more and more.</p> +<p><a name="l37.12">12</a>. I believe that now the best course is to +be absolutely resigned, confessing that we can do nothing, and so +apply ourselves--as I said before [<a href="#l37note8">8</a>]--to +something else which is meritorious. Our Lord, it may be, takes away +from the soul the power of praying, that it may betake itself to +something else, and learn by experience how little it can do in its +own strength.</p> +<p><a name="l37.13">13</a>. It is true I have this day been rejoicing +in our Lord, and have dared to complain of His Majesty. I said unto +Him: How is it, O my God, that it is not enough for Thee to detain me +in this wretched life, and that I should have to bear with it for the +love of Thee, and be willing to live where everything hinders the +fruition of Thee; where, besides, I must eat and sleep, transact +business, and converse with every one, and all for Thy love? how is +it, then,--for Thou well knowest, O my Lord, all this to be the +greatest torment unto me,--that, in the rare moments when I am with +Thee, Thou hidest Thyself from me? How is this consistent with Thy +compassion? How can that love Thou hast for me endure this? I +believe, O Lord, if it were possible for me to hide myself from Thee, +as Thou hidest Thyself from me--I think and believe so--such is Thy +love, that Thou wouldest not endure it at my hands. But Thou art with +me, and seest me always. O my Lord, I beseech Thee look to this; it +must not be; a wrong is done to one who loves Thee so much.</p> +<p><a name="l37.14">14</a>. I happened to utter these words, and +others of the same kind, when I should have been thinking rather how +my place in hell was pleasant in comparison with the place I deserved. +But now and then my love makes me foolish, so that I lose my senses; +only it is with all the sense I have that I make these complaints, and +our Lord bears it all. Blessed be so good a King!</p> +<p><a name="l37.15">15</a>. Can we be thus bold with the kings of this +world? And yet I am not surprised that we dare not thus speak to a +king, for it is only reasonable that men should be afraid of him, or +even to the great lords who are his representatives. The world is now +come to such a state, that men's lives ought to be longer than they +are if we are to learn all the new customs and ceremonies of good +breeding, and yet spend any time in the service of God. I bless +myself at the sight of what is going on. The fact is, I did not know +how I was to live when I came into this house. Any negligence in +being much more ceremonious with people than they deserve is not taken +as a jest; on the contrary, they look upon it as an insult +deliberately offered; so that it becomes necessary for you to satisfy +them of your good intentions, if there happens, as I have said, to +have been any negligence; and even then, God grant they may +believe you.</p> +<p><a name="l37.16">16</a>. I repeat it,--I certainly did not know how +to live; for my poor soul was worn out. It is told to employ all its +thoughts always on God, and that it is necessary to do so if it would +avoid many dangers. On the other hand, it finds it will not do to +fail in any one point of the world's law, under the penalty of +affronting those who look upon these things as touching their honour. +I was worn out in unceasingly giving satisfaction to people; for, +though I tried my utmost, I could not help failing in many ways in +matters which, as I have said, are not slightly thought of in +the world.</p> +<p><a name="l37.17">17</a>. Is it true that in religious houses no +explanations are necessary, for it is only reasonable we should be +excused these observances? Well, that is not so; for there are people +who say that monasteries ought to be courts in politeness and +instruction. I certainly cannot understand it. I thought that +perhaps some saint may have said that they ought to be courts to teach +those who wish to be the courtiers of heaven, and that these people +misunderstood their meaning; for if a man be careful to please God +continually, and to hate the world, as he ought to do, I do not see +how he can be equally careful to please those who live in the world in +these matters which are continually changing. If they could be learnt +once for all, it might be borne with: but as to the way of addressing +letters, there ought to be a professor's chair founded, from which +lectures should be given, so to speak, teaching us how to do it; for +the paper should on one occasion be left blank in one corner, and on +another in another corner; and a man must be addressed as the +illustrious who was not hitherto addressed as the magnificent.</p> +<p><a name="l37.18">18</a>. I know not where this will stop: I am not +yet fifty, and yet I have seen so many changes during my life, that I +do not know how to live. What will they do who are only just born, +and who may live many years? Certainly I am sorry for those spiritual +people who, for certain holy purposes, are obliged to live in the +world; the cross they have to carry is a dreadful one. If they could +all agree together, and make themselves ignorant, and be willing to be +considered so in these sciences, they would set themselves free from +much trouble. But what folly am I about! from speaking of the +greatness of God I am come to speak of the meanness of the world! +Since our Lord has given me the grace to quit it, I wish to leave it +altogether. Let them settle these matters who maintain these follies +with so much labour. God grant that in the next life, where there is +no changing, we may not have to pay for them! Amen.</p> +<hr title="Notes"> +<p><small><a name="l37note1">1</a>. The Saint, having interrupted her +account of her interior life in order to give the history of the +foundation of the monastery of <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Joseph, +Avila,--the first house of the Reformed Carmelites,--here resumes that +account broken off at the end of <a href="#l32.10">§ 10 of +ch. xxxii</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l37note2">2</a>. Ephes. i. 14: <span +lang="la">"Pignus hæreditatis nostræ."</span></small></p> +<p><small><a name="l37note3">3</a>. <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> +John iii. 34: <span lang="la">"Non enim ad mensuram dat +Deus spiritum."</span></small></p> +<p><small><a name="l37note4">4</a>. <a href="#l28.1">Ch. +xxviii. §§ 1-5</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l37note5">5</a>. See <a +href="#l40.24">ch. xl. § 24</a>; <cite>Way of +Perfection</cite>, ch. vii. § 1; but ch. iv. of the +previous editions.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l37note6">6</a>. See <a +href="#l20.14">ch. xx. § 14</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l37note7">7</a>. See <a +href="#l30.19">ch. xxx. § 19</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l37note8">8</a>. See <a +href="#l30.18">ch. xxx. §§ 18</a>, <a +href="#l30.25">25</a>.</small></p> +<hr title="Text"> +<h3><a name="l38.0">Chapter XXXVIII.</a></h3> +<p><big>Certain Heavenly Secrets, Visions, and Revelations. The +Effects of Them in Her Soul.</big></p> +<p><a name="l38.1">1</a>. One night I was so unwell that I thought I +might be excused making my prayer; so I took my rosary, that I might +employ myself in vocal prayer, trying not to be recollected in my +understanding, though outwardly I was recollected, being in my +oratory. These little precautions are of no use when our Lord will +have it otherwise. I remained there but a few moments thus, when I +was rapt in spirit with such violence that I could make no resistance +whatever. It seemed to me that I was taken up to heaven; and the +first persons I saw there were my father and my mother. I saw other +things also; but the time was no longer than that in which the <i +lang="la">Ave Maria</i> might be said, and I was amazed at it, looking +on it all as too great a grace for me. But as to the shortness of the +time, it might have been longer, only it was all done in a very +short space.</p> +<p><a name="l38.2">2</a>. I was afraid it might be an illusion; but as +I did not think so, I knew not what to do, because I was very much +ashamed to go to my confessor about it. It was not, as it seemed to +me, because I was humble, but because I thought he would laugh at me, +and say: Oh, what a <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Paul!--she sees the +things of heaven; or a <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Jerome. And +because these glorious Saints had had such visions, I was so much the +more afraid, and did nothing but cry; for I did not think it possible +for me to see what they saw. At last, though I felt it exceedingly, I +went to my confessor; for I never dared to keep secret anything of +this kind, however much it distressed me to speak of them, owing to +the great fear I had of being deceived. When my confessor saw how +much I was suffering, he consoled me greatly, and gave me plenty of +good reasons why I should have no fear.</p> +<p><a name="l38.3">3</a>. It happened, also, as time went on, and it +happens now from time to time, that our Lord showed me still greater +secrets. The soul, even if it would, has neither the means not the +power to see more than what He shows it; and so, each time, I saw +nothing more than what our Lord was pleased to let me see. But such +was the vision, that the least part of it was enough to make my soul +amazed, and to raise it so high that it esteems and counts as nothing +all the things of this life. I wish I could describe, in some +measure, the smallest portion of what I saw; but when I think of doing +it, I find it impossible; for the mere difference alone between the +light we have here below, and that which is seen in a vision,--both +being light,--is so great, that there is no comparison between them; +the brightness of the sun itself seems to be something exceedingly +loathsome. In a word, the imagination, however strong it may be, can +neither conceive nor picture to itself this light, nor any one of the +things which our Lord showed me in a joy so supreme that it cannot be +described; for then all the senses exult so deeply and so sweetly that +no description is possible; and so it is better to say +nothing more.</p> +<p><a name="l38.4">4</a>. I was in this state once for more than an +hour, our Lord showing me wonderful things. He seemed as if He would +not leave me. He said to me, "See, My daughter, what they lose +who are against Me; do not fail to tell them of it." Ah, my Lord, +how little good my words will do them, who are made blind by their own +conduct, if Thy Majesty will not give them light! Some, to whom Thou +hast given it, there are, who have profited by the knowledge of Thy +greatness; but as they see it revealed to one so wicked and base as I +am, I look upon it as a great thing if there should be any found to +believe me. Blessed be Thy name, and blessed be Thy compassion; for I +can trace, at least in my own soul, a visible improvement. Afterwards +I wished I had continued in that trance for ever, and that I had not +returned to consciousness, because of an abiding sense of contempt for +everything here below; all seemed to be filth; and I see how meanly we +employ ourselves who are detained on earth.</p> +<p><a name="l38.5">5</a>. When I was staying with that lady of whom I +have been speaking, [<a href="#l38note1">1</a>] it happened to me once +when I was suffering from my heart,--for, as I have +said, [<a href="#l38note2">2</a>] I suffered greatly at one time, +though not so much now,--that she, being a person of great charity, +brought out her jewels set in gold, and precious stones of great +price, and particularly a diamond, which she valued very much. She +thought this might amuse me; but I laughed to myself, and was very +sorry to see what men made much of; for I thought of what our Lord had +laid up for us, and considered how impossible it was for me, even if I +made the effort, to have any appreciation whatever of such things, +provided our Lord did not permit me to forget what He was keeping +for us.</p> +<p><a name="l38.6">6</a>. A soul in this state attains to a certain +freedom, which is so complete that none can understand it who does not +possess it. It is a real and true detachment, independent of our +efforts; God effects it all Himself; for His Majesty reveals the truth +in such a way, that it remains so deeply impressed on our souls as to +make it clear that we of ourselves could not thus acquire it in so +short a time.</p> +<p><a name="l38.7">7</a>. The fear of death, also, was now very slight +in me, who had always been in great dread of it; now it seems to me +that death is a very light thing for one who serves God, because the +soul is in a moment delivered thereby out of its prison, and at rest. +This elevation of the spirit, and the vision of things so high, in +these trances seem to me to have a great likeness to the flight of the +soul from the body, in that it finds itself in a moment in the +possession of these good things. We put aside the agonies of its +dissolution, of which no great account is to be made; for they who +love God in truth, and are utterly detached from the things of this +life, must die with the greater sweetness.</p> +<p><a name="l38.8">8</a>. It seems to me, also, that the rapture was a +great help to recognise our true home, and to see that we are pilgrims +here; [<a href="#l38note3">3</a>] it is a great thing to see what is +going on there and to know where we have to live; for if a person has +to go and settle in another country, it is a great help to him, in +undergoing the fatigues of his journey, that he has discovered it to +be a country where he may live in the most perfect peace. Moreover, +it makes it easy for us to think of the things of heaven, and to have +our conversation there. [<a href="#l38note4">4</a>] It is a great +gain, because the mere looking up to heaven makes the soul +recollected; for as our Lord has been pleased to reveal heaven in some +degree, my soul dwells upon it in thought; and it happens occasionally +that they who are about me, and with whom I find consolation, are +those whom I know to be living in heaven, and that I look upon them +only as really alive; while those who are on earth are so dead, that +the whole world seems unable to furnish me with companions, +particularly when these impetuosities of love are upon me. Everything +seems a dream, and what I see with the bodily eyes an illusion. What +I have seen with the eyes of the soul is that which my soul desires; +and as it finds itself far away from those things, that is death.</p> +<p><a name="l38.9">9</a>. In a word, it is a very great mercy which +our Lord gives to that soul to which He grants the like visions, for +they help it in much, and also in carrying a heavy cross, since +nothing satisfies it, and everything is against it; and if our Lord +did not now and then suffer these visions to be forgotten, though they +recur again and again to the memory, I know not how life could be +borne. May He be blessed and praised for ever and ever! I implore +His Majesty by that Blood which His Son shed for me, now that, of His +good pleasure, I know something of these great blessings, and begin to +have the fruition of them, that it may not be with me as it was with +Lucifer, who by his own fault forfeited it all. I beseech Thee, for +Thine own sake, not to suffer this; for I am at times in great fear, +though at others, and most frequently, the mercy of God reassures me, +for He who has delivered me from so many sins will not withdraw His +hand from under me, and let me be lost. I pray you, my father, to beg +this grace for me always.</p> +<p><a name="l38.10">10</a>. The mercies, then, hitherto described, are +not, in my opinion, so great as those which I am now going to speak +of, on many accounts, because of the great blessings they have brought +with them, and because of the great fortitude which my soul derived +from them; and yet every one separately considered is so great, that +there is nothing to be compared with them.</p> +<p><a name="l38.11">11</a>. One day--it was the eve of Pentecost--I +went after Mass to a very lonely spot, where I used to pray very +often, and began to read about the feast in the book of a +Carthusian; [<a href="#l38note5">5</a>] and reading of the marks by +which beginners, proficients, and the perfect may know that they have +the Holy Ghost, it seemed to me, when I had read of these three +states, that by the goodness of God, so far as I could understand, the +Holy Ghost was with me. I praised God for it; and calling to mind how +on another occasion, when I read this, I was very deficient,--for I +saw most distinctly at that time how deficient I was then from what I +saw I was now,--I recognised herein the great mercy of our Lord to me, +and so began to consider the place which my sins had earned for me in +hell, and praised God exceedingly, because it seemed as if I did not +know my own soul again, so great a change had come over it.</p> +<p><a name="l38.12">12</a>. While thinking of these things, my soul +was carried away with extreme violence, and I knew not why. It seemed +as if it would have gone forth out of the body, for it could not +contain itself, nor was it able to hope for so great a good. The +impetuosity was so excessive that I had no power left, and, as I +think, different from what I had been used to. I knew not what ailed +my soul, nor what it desired, for it was so changed. I leaned for +support, for I could not sit, because my natural strength had +utterly failed.</p> +<p><a name="l38.13">13</a>. Then I saw over my head a dove, very +different from those we usually see, for it had not the same plumage, +but wings formed of small shells shining brightly. It was larger than +an ordinary dove; I thought I heard the rustling of its wings. It +hovered above me during the space of an <i lang="la">Ave Maria</i>. +But such was the state of my soul, that in losing itself it lost also +the sight of the dove. My spirit grew calm with such a guest; and +yet, as I think, a grace so wonderful might have disturbed and +frightened it; and as it began to rejoice in the vision, it was +delivered from all fear, and with the joy came peace, my soul +continuing entranced. The joy of this rapture was exceedingly great; +and for the rest of that festal time I was so amazed and bewildered +that I did not know what I was doing, nor how I could have received so +great a grace. I neither heard nor saw anything, so to speak, because +of my great inward joy. From that day forth I perceived in myself a +very great progress in the highest love of God, together with a great +increase in the strength of my virtues. May He be blessed and praised +for ever! Amen.</p> +<p><a name="l38.14">14</a>. On another occasion I saw that very dove +above the head of one of the Dominican fathers; but it seemed to me +that the rays and brightness of the wings were far greater. I +understood by this that he was to draw souls unto God.</p> +<p><a name="l38.15">15</a>. At another time I saw our Lady putting a +cope of exceeding whiteness on that Licentiate of the same Order, of +whom I have made mention more than once. [<a href="#l38note6">6</a>] +She told me that she gave him that cope in consideration of the +service he had rendered her by helping to found this +house, [<a href="#l38note7">7</a>] that it was a sign that she would +preserve his soul pure for the future, and that he should not fall +into mortal sin. I hold it for certain that so it came to pass, for he +died within a few years; his death and the rest of his life were so +penitential, his whole life and death so holy, that, so far as +anything can be known, there cannot be a doubt on the subject. One of +the friars present at his death told me that, before he breathed his +last, he said to him that <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Thomas was +with him. [<a href="#l38note8">8</a>] He died in great joy, longing +to depart out of this land of exile.</p> +<p><a name="l38.16">16</a>. Since then he has appeared to me more than +once in exceedingly great glory, and told me certain things. He was +so given to prayer, that when he was dying, and would have interrupted +it if he could because of his great weakness, he was not able to do +so; for he was often in a trance. He wrote to me not long before he +died, and asked me what he was to do; for as soon as he had said Mass +he fell into a trance which lasted a long time, and which he could not +hinder. At last God gave him the reward of the many services of his +whole life.</p> +<p><a name="l38.17">17</a>. I had certain visions, too, of the great +graces which our Lord bestowed upon that rector of the Society of +Jesus, of whom I have spoken already more than +once; [<a href="#l38note9">9</a>] but I will not say anything of them +now, lest I should be too tedious. It was his lot once to be in great +trouble, to suffer great persecution and distress. One day, when I +was hearing Mass, I saw Christ on the Cross at the elevation of the +Host. He spoke certain words to me, which I was to repeat to that +father for his comfort, together with others, which were to warn him +beforehand of what was coming, and to remind him of what He had +suffered on his behalf, and that he must prepare for suffering. This +gave him great consolation and courage; and everything came to pass +afterwards as our Lord had told me.</p> +<p><a name="l38.18">18</a>. I have seen great things of members of the +Order to which this father belongs, which is the Society of Jesus, and +of the whole Order itself; I have occasionally seen them in heaven +with white banners in their hands, and I have had other most wonderful +visions, as I am saying, about them, and therefore have a great +veneration for this Order; for I have had a great deal to do with +those who are of it, and I see that their lives are conformed to that +which our Lord gave me to understand about them.</p> +<p><a name="l38.19">19</a>. One night, when I was in prayer, our Lord +spoke to me certain words, whereby He made me remember the great +wickedness of my past life. They filled me with shame and distress; +for though they were not spoken with severity, they caused a feeling +and a painfulness which were too much for me: and we feel that we make +greater progress in the knowledge of ourselves when we hear one of +these words, than we can make by a meditation of many days on our own +misery, because these words impress the truth upon us at the same time +in such a way that we cannot resist it. He set before me the former +inclinations of my will to vanities, and told me to make much of the +desire I now had that my will, which had been so ill employed, should +be fixed on Him, and that He would accept it.</p> +<p><a name="l38.20">20</a>. On other occasions He told me to remember +how I used to think it an honourable thing to go against His honour; +and, again, to remember my debt to Him, for when I was most rebellious +He was bestowing His graces upon me. If I am doing anything +wrong--and my wrong-doings are many--His Majesty makes me see it in +such a way that I am utterly confounded; and as I do so often, that +happens often also. I have been found fault with by my confessors +occasionally; and on betaking myself to prayer for consolation, have +received a real reprimand.</p> +<p><a name="l38.21">21</a>. To return to what I was speaking of. When +our Lord made me remember my wicked life, I wept; for as I considered +that I had then never done any good, I thought He might be about to +bestow upon me some special grace; because most frequently, when I +receive any particular mercy from our Lord, it is when I have been +previously greatly humiliated, in order that I may the more clearly +see how far I am from deserving it. I think our Lord must do it for +that end.</p> +<p><a name="l38.22">22</a>. Almost immediately after this I was so +raised up in spirit that I thought myself to be, as it were, out of +the body; at least, I did not know that I was living in +it. [<a href="#l38note10">10</a>] I had a vision of the most Sacred +Humanity in exceeding glory, greater than I had ever seen It in +before. I beheld It in a wonderful and clear way in the bosom of the +Father. I cannot tell how it was, for I saw myself, without seeing, +as it seemed to me, in the presence of God. My amazement was such +that I remained, as I believe, some days before I could recover +myself. I had continually before me, as present, the Majesty of the +Son of God, though not so distinctly as in the vision. I understood +this well enough; but the vision remained so impressed on my +imagination, that I could not get rid of it for some time, though it +had lasted but a moment; it is a great comfort to me, and also a +great blessing.</p> +<p><a name="l38.23">23</a>. I have had this vision on three other +occasions, and it is, I think, the highest vision of all the visions +which our Lord in His mercy showed me. The fruits of it are the very +greatest, for it seems to purify the soul in a wonderful way, and +destroy, as it were utterly, altogether the strength of our sensual +nature. It is a grand flame of fire, which seems to burn up and +annihilate all the desires of this life. For though now--glory be to +God!--I had no desire after vanities, I saw clearly in the vision how +all things are vanity, and how hollow are all the dignities of earth; +it was a great lesson, teaching me to raise up my desires to the Truth +alone. It impresses on the soul a sense of the presence of God such +as I cannot in any way describe, only it is very different from that +which it is in our own power to acquire on earth. It fills the soul +with profound astonishment at its own daring, and at any one else +being able to dare to offend His most awful Majesty.</p> +<p><a name="l38.24">24</a>. I must have spoken now and then of the +effects of visions, [<a href="#l38note11">11</a>] and of other matters +of the same kind, and I have already said that the blessings they +bring with them are of various degrees; but those of this vision are +the highest of all. When I went to Communion once I called to mind the +exceeding great majesty of Him I had seen, and considered that it was +He who is present in the most Holy Sacrament, and very often our Lord +was pleased to show Himself to me in the Host; the very hairs on my +head stood, [<a href="#l38note12">12</a>] and I thought I should come +to nothing.</p> +<p><a name="l38.25">25</a>. O my Lord! ah, if Thou didst not throw a +veil over Thy greatness, who would dare, being so foul and miserable, +to come in contact with Thy great Majesty? Blessed be Thou, O Lord; +may the angels and all creation praise Thee, who orderest all things +according to the measure of our weakness, so that, when we have the +fruition of Thy sovereign mercies, Thy great power may not terrify us, +so that we dare not, being a frail and miserable race, persevere in +that fruition!</p> +<p><a name="l38.26">26</a>. It might happen to us as it did to the +labourer--I know it to be a certain fact--who found a treasure beyond +his expectations, which were mean. When he saw himself in possession +of it, he was seized with melancholy, which by degrees brought him to +his grave through simple distress and anxiety of mind, because he did +not know what to do with his treasure. If he had not found it all at +once, and if others had given him portions of it by degrees, +maintaining him thereby, he might have been more happy than he had +been in his poverty, nor would it have cost him his life.</p> +<p><a name="l38.27">27</a>. O Thou Treasure of the poor! how +marvellously Thou sustainest souls, showing to them, not all at once, +but by little and little, the abundance of Thy riches! When I behold +Thy great Majesty hidden beneath that which is so slight as the Host +is, I am filled with wonder, ever since that vision, at Thy great +wisdom; and I know not how it is that our Lord gives me the strength +and courage necessary to draw near to him, were it not that He who has +had such compassion on me, and still has, gives me strength, nor would +it be possible for me to be silent, or refrain from making known +marvels so great.</p> +<p><a name="l38.28">28</a>. What must be the thoughts of a wretched +person such as I am, full of abominations, and who has spent her life +with so little fear of God, when she draws near to our Lord's great +Majesty, at the moment He is pleased to show Himself to my soul? How +can I open my mouth, that has uttered so many words against Him, to +receive that most glorious Body, purity and compassion itself? The +love that is visible in His most beautiful Face, sweet and tender, +pains and distresses the soul, because it has not served Him, more +than all the terrors of His Majesty. What should have been my +thoughts, then, on those two occasions when I saw what I have +described? Truly, O my Lord and my joy, I am going to say that in +some way, in these great afflictions of my soul, I have done something +in Thy service. Ah! I know not what I am saying, for I am writing +this as if the words were not mine, [<a href="#l38note13">13</a>] +because I am troubled, and in some measure beside myself, when I call +these things to remembrance. If these thoughts were really mine, I +might well say that I had done something for Thee, O my Lord; but as I +can have no good thought if Thou givest it not, no thanks are due to +me; I am the debtor, O Lord, and it is Thou who art the +offended One.</p> +<p><a name="l38.29">29</a>. Once, when I was going to Communion, I saw +with the eyes of the soul, more distinctly than with those of the +body, two devils of most hideous shape; their horns seemed to +encompass the throat of the poor priest; and I beheld my Lord, in that +great majesty of which I have spoken, [<a href="#l38note14">14</a>] +held in the hands of that priest, in the Host he was about to give me. +It was plain that those hands were those of a sinner, and I felt that +the soul of that priest was in mortal sin. What must it be, O my +Lord, to look upon Thy beauty amid shapes so hideous! The two devils +were so frightened and cowed in Thy presence, that they seemed as if +they would have willingly run away, hadst Thou but given them leave. +So troubled was I by the vision, that I knew not how I could go to +Communion. I was also in great fear, for I thought, if the vision was +from God, that His Majesty would not have allowed me to see the evil +state of that soul. [<a href="#l38note15">15</a>]</p> +<p><a name="l38.30">30</a>. Our Lord Himself told me to pray for that +priest; that He had allowed this in order that I might understand the +power of the words of consecration, and how God failed not to be +present, however wicked the priest might be who uttered them; and that +I might see His great goodness in that He left Himself in the very +hands of His enemy, for my good and for the good of all. I understood +clearly how the priests are under greater obligations to be holy than +other persons; and what a horrible thing it is to receive this most +Holy Sacrament unworthily, and how great is the devil's dominion over +a soul in mortal sin. It did me a great service, and made me fully +understand what I owe to God. May He be blessed for evermore!</p> +<p><a name="l38.31">31</a>. At another time I had a vision of a +different kind, which frightened me very much. I was in a place where +a certain person died, who as I understood had led a very bad life, +and that for many years. But he had been ill for two years, and in +some respects seemed to have reformed. He died without confession; +nevertheless, I did not think he would be damned. When the body had +been wrapped in the winding-sheet, I saw it laid hold of by a +multitude of devils, who seemed to toss it to and fro, and also to +treat it with great cruelty. I was terrified at the sight, for they +dragged it about with great hooks. But when I saw it carried to the +grave with all the respect and ceremoniousness common to all, I began +to think of the goodness of God, who would not allow that person to be +dishonoured, but would have the fact of his being His +enemy concealed.</p> +<p><a name="l38.32">32</a>. I was almost out of my senses at the +sight. During the whole of the funeral service, I did not see one of +the evil spirits. Afterwards, when the body was about to be laid in +the grave, so great a multitude of them was therein waiting to receive +it, that I was beside myself at the sight, and it required no slight +courage on my part not to betray my distress. I thought of the +treatment which that soul would receive, when the devils had such +power over the wretched body. Would to God that all who live in +mortal sin might see what I then saw,--it was a fearful sight; it +would go, I believe, a great way towards making them lead +better lives.</p> +<p><a name="l38.33">33</a>. All this made me know more of what I owe +to God, and of the evils from which He has delivered me. I was in +great terror. I spoke of it to my confessor, and I thought it might +be an illusion of Satan, in order to take away my good opinion of that +person, who yet was not accounted a very good Christian. The truth +is, that, whether it was an illusion or not, it makes me afraid +whenever I think of it.</p> +<p><a name="l38.34">34</a>. Now that I have begun to speak of the +visions I had concerning the dead, I will mention some matters which +our Lord was pleased to reveal to me in relation to certain souls. I +will confine myself to a few for the sake of brevity, and because they +are not necessary; I mean that they are not for our profit. They told +me that one who had been our Provincial--he was then of another +province--was dead. He was a man of great virtue, with whom I had had +a great deal to do, and to whom I was under many obligations for +certain kindnesses shown me. When I heard that he was dead, I was +exceedingly troubled, because I trembled for his salvation, seeing +that he had been superior for twenty years. That is what I dread very +much; for the cure of souls seems to me to be full of danger. I went +to an oratory in great distress, and gave up to him all the good I had +ever done in my whole life,--it was little enough,--and prayed our +Lord that His merits might fill up what was wanting, in order that +this soul might be delivered up from purgatory.</p> +<p><a name="l38.35">35</a>. While I was thus praying to our Lord as +well as I could, he seemed to me to rise up from the depths of the +earth on my right hand, and I saw him ascend to heaven in exceeding +great joy. He was a very old man then, but I saw him as if he were +only thirty years old, and I thought even younger, and there was a +brightness in his face. This vision passed away very quickly; but I +was so exceedingly comforted by it, that I could never again mourn his +death, although many persons were distressed at it, for he was very +much beloved. So greatly comforted was my soul, that nothing disturbed +it, neither could I doubt the truth of the vision; I mean that it was +no illusion.</p> +<p><a name="l38.36">36</a>. I had this vision about a fortnight after +he was dead; nevertheless, I did not omit to obtain prayers for him +and I prayed myself, only I could not pray with the same earnestness +that I should have done if I had not seen that vision. For when our +Lord showed him thus to me, it seemed to me afterwards, when I prayed +for him to His Majesty,--and I could not help it,--that I was like one +who gave alms to a rich man. Later on I heard an account of the death +he died in our Lord--he was far away from here; it was one of such +great edification, that he left all wondering to see how recollected, +how penitent, and how humble he was when he died.</p> +<p><a name="l38.37">37</a>. A nun, who was a great servant of God, +died in this house. On the next day one of the sisters was reciting +the lesson in the Office of the Dead, which was said in choir for that +nun's soul, and I was standing myself to assist her in singing the +versicle, when, in the middle of the lesson, I saw the departed nun as +I believe, in a vision; her soul seemed to rise on my right hand like +the soul of the Provincial, and ascend to heaven. This vision was not +imaginary, like the preceding, but like those others of which I have +spoken before; [<a href="#l38note16">16</a>] it is not less certain, +however, than the other visions I had.</p> +<p><a name="l38.38">38</a>. Another nun died in this same house of +mine, she was about eighteen or twenty years of age, and had always +been sickly. She was a great servant of God, attentive in choir, and +a person of great virtue. I certainly thought that she would not go +to purgatory, on account of her exceeding merits, because the +infirmities under which she had laboured were many. While I was +saying the Office, before she was buried,--she had been dead about +four hours,--I saw her rise in the same place and ascend +to heaven.</p> +<p><a name="l38.39">39</a>. I was once in one of the colleges of the +Society of Jesus, and in one of those great sufferings which, as I +have said, [<a href="#l38note17">17</a>] I occasionally had, and still +have, both in soul and body, and then so grievously that I was not +able, as it seemed to me, to have even one good thought. The night +before, one of the brothers of that house had died in it; and I, as +well as I could, was commending his soul to God, and hearing the Mass +which another father of that Society was saying for him when I became +recollected at once, and saw him go up to heaven in great glory, and +our Lord with him. I understood that His Majesty went with him by way +of special grace.</p> +<p><a name="l38.40">40</a>. Another brother of our Order, a good +friar, was very ill; and when I was at Mass, I became recollected and +saw him dead, entering into heaven without going through purgatory. +He died, as I afterwards learned, at the very time of my vision. I was +amazed that he had not gone to purgatory. I understood that, having +become a friar and carefully kept the rule, the Bulls of the Order had +been of use to him, so that he did not pass into purgatory. I do not +know why I came to have this revealed to me; I think it must be +because I was to learn that it is not enough for a man to be a friar +in his habit--I mean, to wear the habit--to attain to that state of +high perfection which that of a friar is.</p> +<p><a name="l38.41">41</a>. I will speak no more of these things, +because as I have just said, [<a href="#l38note18">18</a>] there is no +necessity for it, though our Lord has been so gracious to me as to +show me much. But in all the visions I had, I saw no souls escape +purgatory except this Carmelite father, the holy friar Peter of +Alcantara, and that Dominican father of whom I spoke +before. [<a href="#l38note19">19</a>] It pleased our Lord to let me +see the degree of glory to which some souls have been raised, showing +them to me in the places they occupy. There is a great difference +between one place and another.</p> +<hr title="Notes"> +<p><small><a name="l38note1">1</a>. <a href="#l34.0">Ch. +xxxiv</a>. Doña Luisa de la Cerda, at Toledo.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l38note2">2</a>. <a href="#l4.6">Ch. iv. +§ 6</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l38note3">3</a>. 1 <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> +Peter ii. 11: <span lang="la">"Advenas +et peregrinos."</span></small></p> +<p><small><a name="l38note4">4</a>. Philipp. iii. 20: <span +lang="la">"Nostra autem conversatio in +coelis est."</span></small></p> +<p><small><a name="l38note5">5</a>. The <cite>Life of Christ</cite>, +by Ludolf of Saxony.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l38note6">6</a>. F. Pedro Ibañez. See <a +href="#l33.5">ch. xxxiii. § 5</a>, <a +href="#l36.23">ch. xxxvi. § 23</a>. "This father died Prior of Trianos," is +written on the margin of the <abbr title="manuscript">MS.</abbr> by +F. Bañes (<cite>De la Fuente</cite>).</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l38note7">7</a>. <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> +Joseph, Avila, where <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Teresa was living +at this time.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l38note8">8</a>. See below, <a +href="#l38.41">§ 41</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l38note9">9</a>. <abbr title="Father">F.</abbr> +Gaspar de Salazar: see <a href="#l33.9">ch. xxxiii. § +9</a>, <a href="#l34.2">ch. xxxiv. § 2</a>. It appears +from the 179th letter of the Saint (lett. 20, vol. i. of the Doblado +edition) that <abbr title="Father">F.</abbr> Salazar was reported to +his Provincial, <abbr title="Father">F.</abbr> Juan Suarez, as having +desire to quit the Society for the Carmelite Order.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l38note10">10</a>. 2 Cor. xii. 2: <span +lang="la">"Sive in corpore nescio, sive extra +corpus nescio."</span></small></p> +<p><small><a name="l38note11">11</a>. See <a href="#l28.0">ch. +xxviii</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l38note12">12</a>. Job iv. 15: <span +lang="la">"Inhorruerunt pili carnis meæ."</span></small></p> +<p><small><a name="l38note13">13</a>. The biographers of the Saint say +that she often found, on returning from an ecstasy, certain passages +written, but not by herself; this seems to be alluded to here +(<cite>De la Fuente</cite>).</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l38note14">14</a>. <a +href="#l38.22">§ 22</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l38note15">15</a>. <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> +John of the Cross, <cite>Ascent of Mount Carmel</cite>, +bk. ii. ch. xxvi. vol. i. p. 183.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l38note16">16</a>. See <a href="#l27.0">ch. +xxvii</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l38note17">17</a>. <a href="#l30.9">Ch. +xxx. § 9</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l38note18">18</a>. <a +href="#l38.34">§ 34</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l38note19">19</a>. <a href="#l38.15">§ 15</a>. Fr. +Pedro Ibañez.</small></p> +<hr title="Text"> +<h3><a name="l39.0">Chapter XXXIX.</a></h3> +<p><big>Other Graces Bestowed on the Saint. The Promises of Our Lord +to Her. Divine Locutions and Visions.</big></p> +<p><a name="l39.1">1</a>. I was once importuning our Lord exceedingly +to restore the sight of a person who had claims upon me, and who was +almost wholly blind. I was very sorry for him, and afraid our Lord +would not hear me because of my sins. He appeared to me as at other +times, and began to show the wound in His left hand; with the other He +drew out the great nail that was in it, and it seemed to me that, in +drawing the nail, He tore the flesh. The greatness of the pain was +manifest, and I was very much distressed thereat. He said to me, that +He who had borne that for my sake would still more readily grant what +I asked Him, and that I was not to have any doubts about it. He +promised me there was nothing I should ask that He would not grant; +that He knew I should ask nothing that was not for His glory, and that +He would grant me what I was now praying for. Even during the time +when I did not serve Him, I should find, if I considered it, I had +asked nothing that He had not granted in an ampler manner than I had +known how to ask; how much more amply still would He grant what I +asked for, now that He knew I loved Him! I was not to doubt. I do +not think that eight days passed before our Lord restored that person +to sight. My confessor knew it forthwith. It might be that it was +not owing to my prayer; but, as I had had the vision, I have a certain +conviction that it was a grace accorded to me. I gave thanks to +His Majesty.</p> +<p><a name="l39.2">2</a>. Again, a person was exceedingly ill of a +most painful disease; but, as I do not know what it was, I do not +describe it by its name here. What he had gone through for two months +was beyond all endurance; and his pain was so great that he tore his +own flesh. My confessor, the rector of whom I have +spoken, [<a href="#l39note1">1</a>] went to see him; he was very sorry +for him, and told me that I must anyhow go myself and visit him; he +was one whom I might visit, for he was my kinsman. I went, and was +moved to such a tender compassion for him that I began, with the +utmost importunity, to ask our Lord to restore him to health. Herein +I saw clearly how gracious our Lord was to me, so far as I could +judge; for immediately, the next day, he was completely rid of +that pain.</p> +<p><a name="l39.3">3</a>. I was once in the deepest distress, because +I knew that a person to whom I was under great obligations was about +to commit an act highly offensive to God and dishonourable to himself. +He was determined upon it. I was so much harassed by this that I did +not know what to do in order to change his purpose; and it seemed to +me as if nothing could be done. I implored God, from the bottom of my +heart, to find a way to hinder it; but till I found it I could find no +relief for the pain I felt. In my distress, I went to a very lonely +hermitage,--one of those belonging to this monastery,--in which there +is a picture of Christ bound to the pillar; and there, as I was +imploring our Lord to grant me this grace, I heard a voice of +exceeding gentleness, speaking, as it were, in a +whisper. [<a href="#l39note2">2</a>] My whole body trembled, for it +made me afraid. I wished to understand what was said, but I could +not, for it all passed away in a moment.</p> +<p><a name="l39.4">4</a>. When my fears had subsided, and that was +immediately, I became conscious of an inward calmness, a joy and +delight, which made me marvel how the mere hearing a voice,--I heard +it with my bodily ears,--without understanding a word, could have such +an effect on the soul. I saw by this that my prayer was granted; and +so it was; and I was freed from my anxieties about a matter not yet +accomplished, as it afterwards was, as completely as if I saw it done. +I told my confessors of it, for I had two at this time, both of them +learned men, and great servants of God.</p> +<p><a name="l39.5">5</a>. I knew of a person who had resolved to serve +God in all earnestness, and had for some days given himself to prayer, +in which he bad received many graces from our Lord, but who had +abandoned his good resolutions because of certain occasions of sin in +which he was involved, and which he would not avoid; they were +extremely perilous. This caused me the utmost distress, because the +person was one for whom I had a great affection, and one to whom I +owed much. For more than a month I believe I did nothing else but +pray to God for his conversion. One day, when I was in prayer, I saw +a devil close by in a great rage, tearing to pieces some paper which +he had in his hands. That sight consoled me greatly, because it +seemed that my prayer had been heard. So it was, as I learnt +afterwards; for that person had made his confession with great +contrition, and returned to God so sincerely, that I trust in His +Majesty he will always advance further and further. May He be blessed +for ever! Amen.</p> +<p><a name="l39.6">6</a>. In answer to my prayers, our Lord has very +often rescued souls from mortal sins and led others on to greater +perfection. But as to the delivering of souls out of purgatory, and +other remarkable acts, so many are the mercies of our Lord herein, +that were I to speak of them I should only weary myself and my reader. +But He has done more by me for the salvation of souls than for the +health of the body. This is very well known, and there are many to +bear witness to it.</p> +<p><a name="l39.7">7</a>. At first it made me scrupulous, because I +could not help thinking that our Lord did these things in answer to my +prayer; I say nothing of the chief reason of all--His pure compassion. +But now these graces are so many, and so well known to others, that it +gives me no pain to think so. I bless His Majesty, and abase myself, +because I am still more deeply in His debt; and I believe that He +makes my desire to serve Him grow, and my love revive.</p> +<p><a name="l39.8">8</a>. But what amazes me most is this: however +much I may wish to pray for those graces which our Lord sees not to be +expedient, I cannot do it; and if I try, I do so with little +earnestness, force, and spirit: it is impossible to do more, even if I +would. But it is not so as to those which His Majesty intends to +grant. These I can pray for constantly, and with great importunity; +though I do not carry them in my memory, they seem to present +themselves to me at once. [<a href="#l39note3">3</a>]</p> +<p><a name="l39.9">9</a>. There is a great difference between these +two ways of praying, and I know not how to explain it. As to the +first, when I pray for those graces which our Lord does not mean to +grant,--even though they concern me very nearly,--I am like one whose +tongue is tied; who, though he would speak, yet cannot; or, if he +speaks, sees that people do not listen to him. And yet I do not fail +to force myself to pray, though not conscious of that fervour which I +have when praying for those graces which our Lord intends to give. In +the second case, I am like one who speaks clearly and intelligibly to +another, whom he sees to be a willing listener.</p> +<p><a name="l39.10">10</a>. The prayer that is not to be heard is, so +to speak, like vocal prayer; the other is a prayer of contemplation so +high that our Lord shows Himself in such a way as to make us feel He +hears us, and that He delights in our prayer, and that He is about to +grant our petition. Blessed be He for ever who gives me so much and +to whom I give so little! For what is he worth, O my Lord, who does +not utterly abase himself to nothing for Thee? How much, how much, +how much,--I might say so a thousand times,--I fall short of this! It +is on this account that I do not wish to live,--though there be other +reasons also,--because I do not live according to the obligations +which bind me to Thee. What imperfections I trace in myself! what +remissness in Thy service! Certainly, I could wish occasionally I had +no sense, that I might be unconscious of the great evil that is in me. +May He who can do all things help me!</p> +<p><a name="l39.11">11</a>. When I was staying in the house of that +lady of whom I have spoken before, [<a href="#l39note4">4</a>] it was +necessary for me to be very watchful over myself, and keep continually +in mind the intrinsic vanity of all the things of this life, because +of the great esteem I was held in, and of the praises bestowed on me. +There was much there to which I might have become attached, if I had +looked only to myself; but I looked to Him who sees things as they +really are, not to let me go out of His hand. Now that I speak of +seeing things as they really are, I remember how great a trial it is +for those to whom God has granted a true insight into the things of +earth to have to discuss them with others. They wear so many +disguises, as our Lord once told me,--and much of what I am saying of +them is not from myself, but rather what my Heavenly Master has taught +me; and therefore, in speaking of them, when I say distinctly I +understood this, or our Lord told me this, I am very scrupulous +neither to add nor to take away one single syllable; so, when I do not +clearly remember everything exactly, that must be taken as coming from +myself, and some things, perhaps, are so altogether. I do not call +mine that which is good, for I know there is no other good in me but +only that which our Lord gave me when I was so far from deserving it: +I call that mine which I speak without having had it made known to me +by revelation.</p> +<p><a name="l39.12">12</a>. But, O my God, how is it that we too often +judge even spiritual things, as we do those of the world, by our own +understanding, wresting them grievously from their true meaning? We +think we may measure our progress by the years which we have given to +the exercise of prayer; we even think we can prescribe limits to Him +who bestows His gifts not by measure [<a href="#l39note5">5</a>] when +He wills, and who in six months can give to one more than to another +in many years. This is a fact which I have so frequently observed in +many persons, that I am surprised how any of us can deny it.</p> +<p><a name="l39.13">13</a>. I am certainly convinced that he will not +remain under this delusion who possesses the gift of discerning +spirits, and to whom our Lord has given real humility; for such a one +will judge of them by the fruits, by the good resolutions and +love,--and our Lord gives him light to understand the matter; and +herein He regards the progress and advancement of souls, not the years +they may have spent in prayer; for one person may make greater +progress in six months than another in twenty years, because, as I +said before, our Lord gives to whom He will, particularly to him who +is best disposed.</p> +<p><a name="l39.14">14</a>. I see this in certain persons of tender +years who have come to this monastery,--God touches their hearts, and +gives them a little light and love. I speak of that brief interval in +which He gives them sweetness in prayer, and then they wait for +nothing further, and make light of every difficulty, forgetting the +necessity even of food; for they shut themselves up for ever in a +house that is unendowed, as persons who make no account of their life, +for His sake, who, they know, loves them. They give up everything, +even their own will; and it never enters into their mind that they +might be discontented in so small a house, and where enclosure is so +strictly observed. They offer themselves wholly in sacrifice +to God.</p> +<p><a name="l39.15">15</a>. Oh, how willingly do I admit that they are +better than I am! and how I ought to be ashamed of myself before God! +What His Majesty has not been able to accomplish in me in so many +years,--it is long ago since I began to pray, and He to bestow His +graces upon me,--He accomplished in them in three months, and in some +of them even in three days, though he gives them much fewer graces +than He gave to me: and yet His Majesty rewards them well; most +assuredly they are not sorry for what they have done for Him.</p> +<p><a name="l39.16">16</a>. I wish, therefore, we reminded ourselves +of those long years which have gone by since we made our religious +profession. I say this to those persons, also, who have given +themselves long ago to prayer, but not for the purpose of distressing +those who in a short time have made greater progress than we have +made, by making them retrace their steps, so that they may proceed +only as we do ourselves. We must not desire those who, because of the +graces God has given them, are flying like eagles, to become like +chickens whose feet are tied. Let us rather look to His Majesty, and +give these souls the reins, if we see that they are humble; for our +Lord, who has had such compassion upon them, will not let them fall +into the abyss.</p> +<p><a name="l39.17">17</a>. These souls trust themselves in the hands +of God, for the truth, which they learn by faith, helps them to do it; +and shall not we also trust them to Him, without seeking to measure +them by our measure which is that of our meanness of spirit? We must +not do it; for if we cannot ascend to the heights of their great love +and courage,--without experience none can comprehend them--let us +humble ourselves, and not condemn them; for, by this seeming regard to +their progress, we hinder our own, and miss the opportunity our Lord +gives us to humble ourselves, to ascertain our own shortcomings, and +learn how much more detached and more near to God these souls must be +than we are, seeing that His Majesty draws so near to +them Himself.</p> +<p><a name="l39.18">18</a>. I have no other intention here, and I wish +to have no other, than to express my preference for the prayer that in +a short time results in these great effects, which show themselves at +once; for it is impossible they should enable us to leave all things +only to please God, if they were not accompanied with a vehement love. +I would rather have that prayer than that which lasted many years, but +which at the end of the time, as well as at the beginning, never +issued in a resolution to do anything for God, with the exception of +some trifling services, like a grain of salt, without weight or bulk, +and which a bird might carry away in its mouth. Is it not a serious +and mortifying thought that we are making much of certain services +which we render our Lord, but which are too pitiable to be considered, +even if they were many in number? This is my case, and I am +forgetting every moment the mercies of our Lord. I do not mean that +His Majesty will not make much of them Himself, for He is good; but I +wish I made no account of them myself, or even perceived that I did +them, for they are nothing worth.</p> +<p><a name="l39.19">19</a>. But, O my Lord, do Thou forgive me, and +blame me not, if I try to console myself a little with the little I +do, seeing that I do not serve Thee at all; for if I rendered Thee any +great services, I should not think of these trifles. Blessed are they +who serve Thee in great deeds; if envying these, and desiring to do +what they do, were of any help to me, I should not be so far behind +them as I am in pleasing Thee; but I am nothing worth, O my Lord; do +Thou make me of some worth, Thou who lovest me so much.</p> +<p><a name="l39.20">20</a>. During one of those days, when this +monastery, which seems to have cost me some labour, was fully founded +by the arrival of the Brief from Rome, which empowered us to live +without an endowment; [<a href="#l39note6">6</a>] and I was comforting +myself at seeing the whole affair concluded, and thinking of all the +trouble I had had, and giving thanks to our Lord for having been +pleased to make some use of me,--it happened that I began to consider +all that we had gone through. Well, so it was; in every one of my +actions, which I thought were of some service, I traced so many faults +and imperfections, now and then but little courage, very frequently a +want of faith; for until this moment, when I see everything +accomplished, I never absolutely believed; neither, however, on the +other hand, could I doubt what our Lord said to me about the +foundation of this house. I cannot tell how it was; very often the +matter seemed to me, on the one hand, impossible; and, on the other +hand, I could not be in doubt; I mean, I could not believe that it +would not be accomplished. In short, I find that our Lord Himself, on +His part, did all the good that was done, while I did all the evil. I +therefore ceased to think of the matter, and wished never to be +reminded of it again, lest I should do myself some harm by dwelling on +my many faults. Blessed be He who, when He pleases, draws good out of +all my failings! Amen.</p> +<p><a name="l39.21">21</a>. I say, then, there is danger in counting +the years we have given to prayer; for, granting that there is nothing +in it against humility, it seems to me to imply something like an +appearance of thinking that we have merited, in some degree, by the +service rendered. I do not mean that there is no merit in it at all, +nor that it will not be well rewarded; yet if any spiritual person +thinks, because he has given himself to prayer for many years, that he +deserves any spiritual consolations, I am sure he will never attain to +spiritual perfection. Is it not enough that a man has merited the +protection of God, which keeps him from committing those sins into +which he fell before he began to pray, but he must also, as they say, +sue God for His own money?</p> +<p><a name="l39.22">22</a>. This does not seem to me to be deep +humility, and yet it may be that it is; however, I look on it as great +boldness, for I, who have very little humility, have never ventured +upon it. It may be that I never asked for it, because I had never +served Him; perhaps, if I had served Him, I should have been more +importunate than all others with our Lord for my reward.</p> +<p><a name="l39.23">23</a>. I do not mean that the soul makes no +progress in time, or that God will not reward it, if its prayer has +been humble; but I do mean that we should forget the number of years +we have been praying, because all that we can do is utterly worthless +in comparison with one drop of blood out of those which our Lord shed +for us. And if the more we serve Him, the more we become His debtors, +what is it, then, we are asking for? for, if we pay one farthing of +the debt, He gives us back a thousand ducats. For the love of God, +let us leave these questions alone, for they belong to Him. +Comparisons are always bad, even in earthly things; what, then, must +they be in that, the knowledge of which God has reserved to Himself? +His Majesty showed this clearly enough, when those who came late and +those who came early to His vineyard received the +same wages. [<a href="#l39note7">7</a>]</p> +<p><a name="l39.24">24</a>. I have sat down so often to write, and +have been so many days writing these three leaves,--for, as I have +said, [<a href="#l39note8">8</a>] I had, and have still, but few +opportunities,--that I forgot what I had begun with, namely, the +following vision. [<a href="#l39note9">9</a>]</p> +<p><a name="l39.25">25</a>. I was in prayer, and saw myself on a wide +plain all alone. Round about me stood a great multitude of all kinds +of people, who hemmed me in on every side; all of them seemed to have +weapons of war in their hands, to hurt me; some had spears, others +swords; some had daggers, and others very long rapiers. In short, I +could not move away in any direction without exposing myself to the +hazard of death, and I was alone, without any one to take my part. In +this my distress of mind, not knowing what to do, I lifted up my eyes +to heaven, and saw Christ, not in heaven, but high above me in the +air, holding out His hand to me, and there protecting me in such a way +that I was no longer afraid of all that multitude, neither could they, +though they wished it, do me any harm.</p> +<p><a name="l39.26">26</a>. At first the vision seemed to have no +results; but it has been of the greatest help to me, since I +understood what it meant. Not long afterwards, I saw myself, as it +were, exposed to the like assault, and I saw that the vision +represented the world, because everything in it takes up arms against +the poor soul. We need not speak of those who are not great servants +of our Lord, nor of honours, possessions, and pleasures, with other +things of the same nature; for it is clear that the soul, if it be not +watchful, will find itself caught in a net,--at least, all these +things labour to ensnare it; more than this, so also do friends and +relatives, and--what frightens me most--even good people. I found +myself afterwards so beset on all sides, good people thinking they +were doing good, and I knowing not how to defend myself, nor what +to do.</p> +<p><a name="l39.27">27</a>. O my God, if I were to say in what way, +and in how many ways, I was tried at that time, even after that trial +of which I have just spoken, what a warning I should be giving to men +to hate the whole world utterly! It was the greatest of all the +persecutions I had to undergo. I saw myself occasionally so hemmed in +on every side, that I could do nothing else but lift up my eyes to +heaven, and cry unto God. [<a href="#l39note10">10</a>] I recollected +well what I had seen in the vision, and it helped me greatly not to +trust much in any one, for there is no one that can be relied on +except God. In all my great trials, our Lord--He showed it to +me--sent always some one on His part to hold out his hand to help me, +as it was shown to me in the vision, so that I might attach myself to +nothing, but only please our Lord; and this has been enough to sustain +the little virtue I have in desiring to serve Thee: be Thou blessed +for evermore!</p> +<p><a name="l39.28">28</a>. On one occasion I was exceedingly +disquieted and troubled, unable to recollect myself, fighting and +struggling with my thoughts, running upon matters which did not relate +to perfection; and, moreover, I did not think I was so detached from +all things as I used to be. When I found myself in this wretched +state, I was afraid that the graces I had received from our Lord were +illusions, and the end was that a great darkness covered my soul. In +this my distress our Lord began to speak to me: He bade me not to +harass myself, but learn, from the consideration of my misery, what it +would be if He withdrew Himself from me, and that we were never safe +while living in the flesh. It was given me to understand how this +fighting and struggling are profitable to us, because of the reward, +and it seemed to me as if our Lord were sorry for us who live in the +world. Moreover, He bade me not to suppose that He had forgotten me; +He would never abandon me, but it was necessary I should do all that I +could myself.</p> +<p><a name="l39.29">29</a>. Our Lord said all this with great +tenderness and sweetness; He also spoke other most gracious words, +which I need not repeat. His Majesty, further showing His great love +for me, said to me very often: "Thou art Mine, and I am +thine." I am in the habit of saying myself, and I believe in all +sincerity: "What do I care for myself?--I care only for Thee, O +my Lord."</p> +<p><a name="l39.30">30</a>. These words of our Lord, and the +consolation He gives me, fill me with the utmost shame, when I +remember what I am. I have said it before, I +think, [<a href="#l39note11">11</a>] and I still say now and then to +my confessor, that it requires greater courage to receive these graces +than to endure the heaviest trials. When they come, I forget, as it +were, all I have done, and there is nothing before me but a picture of +my wretchedness, and my understanding can make no reflections; this, +also, seems to me at times to be supernatural.</p> +<p><a name="l39.31">31</a>. Sometimes I have such a vehement longing +for Communion; I do not think it can be expressed. One morning it +happened to rain so much as to make it seem impossible to leave the +house. When I had gone out, I was so beside myself with that longing, +that if spears had been pointed at my heart, I should have rushed upon +them; the rain was nothing. When I entered the church I fell into a +deep trance, and saw heaven open--not a door only, as I used to see at +other times. I beheld the throne which, as I have told you, my +father, I saw at other times, with another throne above it, whereon, +though I saw not, I understood by a certain inexplicable knowledge +that the Godhead dwelt.</p> +<p><a name="l39.32">32</a>. The throne seemed to me to be supported by +certain animals; I believe I saw the form of them: I thought they +might be the Evangelists. But how the throne was arrayed, and Him who +sat on it I did not see, but only an exceedingly great multitude of +angels, who seemed to me more beautiful, beyond all comparison, than +those I had seen in heaven. I thought they were, perhaps, the +seraphim or cherubim, for they were very different in their glory, and +seemingly all on fire. The difference is great, as I said +before; [<a href="#l39note12">12</a>] and the joy I then felt cannot be +described, either in writing or by word of mouth; it is inconceivable +to any one what has not had experience of it. I felt that everything +man can desire was all there together, and I saw nothing; they told +me, but I know not who, that all I could do there was to understand +that I could understand nothing, and see how everything was nothing in +comparison with that. So it was; my soul afterwards was vexed to see +that it could rest on any created thing: how much more, then, if it +had any affection thereto; for everything seemed to me but an +ant-hill. I communicated, and remained during Mass. I know not how +it was: I thought I had been but a few minutes, and was amazed when +the clock struck; I had been two hours in that trance and joy.</p> +<p><a name="l39.33">33</a>. I was afterwards amazed at this fire, +which seems to spring forth out of the true love of God; for though I +might long for it, labour for it, and annihilate myself in the effort +to obtain it, I can do nothing towards procuring a single spark of it +myself, because it all comes of the good pleasure of His Majesty, as I +said on another occasion. [<a href="#l39note13">13</a>] It seems to +burn up the old man, with his faults, his lukewarmness, and misery; so +that it is like the phoenix, of which I have read that it comes forth, +after being burnt, out of its own ashes into a new life. Thus it is +with the soul: it is changed into another, whose desires are +different, and whose strength is great. It seems to be no longer what +it was before, and begins to walk renewed in purity in the ways of our +Lord. When I was praying to Him that thus it might be with me, and +that I might begin His service anew, He said to me: "The +comparison thou hast made is good; take care never to forget it, that +thou mayest always labour to advance."</p> +<p><a name="l39.34">34</a>. Once, when I was doubting, as I said just +now, [<a href="#l39note14">14</a>] whether these visions came from God +or not, our Lord appeared, and, with some severity, said to me: "O +children of men, how long will you remain hard of heart!" I was +to examine myself carefully on one subject,--whether I had given +myself up wholly to Him, or not. If I had,--and it was so,--I +was to believe that He would not suffer me to perish. I was very much +afflicted when He spoke thus, but He turned to me with great +tenderness and sweetness, and bade me not to distress myself, for He +knew already that, so far as it lay in my power, I would not fail in +anything that was for His service; that He Himself would do what I +wished,--and so He did grant what I was then praying for; that I was +to consider my love for Him, which was daily growing in me, for I +should see by this that these visions did not come from Satan; that I +must not imagine that God would ever allow the devil to have so much +power over the souls of His servants as to give them such clearness of +understanding and such peace as I had.</p> +<p><a name="l39.35">35</a>. He gave me also to understand that, when +such and so many persons had told me the visions were from God, I +should do wrong if I did not +believe them. [<a href="#l39note15">15</a>]</p> +<p><a name="l39.36">36</a>. Once, when I was reciting the psalm <i +lang="la">Quicumque vult</i>, [<a href="#l39note16">16</a>] I was given +to understand the mystery of One God and Three Persons with so much +clearness, that I was greatly astonished and consoled at the same +time. This was of the greatest help to me, for it enabled me to know +more of the greatness and marvels of God; and when I think of the most +Holy Trinity, or hear It spoken of, I seem to understand the mystery, +and a great joy it is.</p> +<p><a name="l39.37">37</a>. One day--it was the Feast of the +Assumption of the Queen of the Angels, and our Lady--our Lord was +pleased to grant me this grace. In a trance He made me behold her +going up to heaven, the joy and solemnity of her reception there, as +well as the place where she now is. To describe it is more than I can +do; the joy that filled my soul at the sight of such great glory was +excessive. The effects of the vision were great; it made me long to +endure still greater trials: and I had a vehement desire to serve our +Lady, because of her great merits.</p> +<p><a name="l39.38">38</a>. Once, in one of the colleges of the +Society of Jesus, when the brothers of the house were communicating, I +saw an exceedingly rich canopy above their heads. I saw this twice; +but I never saw it when others were receiving Communion.</p> +<hr title="Notes"> +<p><small><a name="l39note1">1</a>. <a href="#l33.10">Ch. +xxxiii. § 10</a>. F. Gaspar de Salazar.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l39note2">2</a>. 3 Kings xix. 12: <span +lang="la">"Sibilus auræ tenuis."</span></small></p> +<p><small><a name="l39note3">3</a>. See <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> +John of the Cross, <cite>Ascent of Mount Carmel</cite>, +bk. iii. ch. i, p. 210).</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l39note4">4</a>. <a href="#l34.1">Ch. +xxxiv. § 1</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l39note5">5</a>. <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> +John iii. 34: <span lang="la">"Non enim ad mensuram dat +Deus spiritum."</span></small></p> +<p><small><a name="l39note6">6</a>. See <a +href="#l33.15">ch. xxxiii. § 15</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l39note7">7</a>. <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> +Matt. xx. 9-14: <span lang="la">"Volo autem et huic novissimo dare +sicut et tibi."</span></small></p> +<p><small><a name="l39note8">8</a>. <a href="#l14.12">Ch. +xiv. § 12</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l39note9">9</a>. The Saint had this vision when she +was in the house of Doña Luisa de la Cerda in Toledo, and it was +fulfilled in the opposition she met with in the foundation of <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Joseph of Avila. See <a +href="#l36.18">ch. xxxvi. § 18</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l39note10">10</a>. 2 Paralip. xx. 12: <span +lang="la">"Hoc solum habemus residui, ut oculos nostros dirigamus +ad Te."</span></small></p> +<p><small><a name="l39note11">11</a>. <a href="#l20.4">Ch. +xx. § 4</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l39note12">12</a>. <a href="#l29.16">Ch. +xxix. § 16</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l39note13">13</a>. <a href="#l29.13">Ch. +xxix. § 13</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l39note14">14</a>. <a +href="#l39.28">§ 28</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l39note15">15</a>. See <a +href="#l28.19">ch. xxviii. §§ 19, 20</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l39note16">16</a>. Commonly called the Creed of +<abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Athanasius.</small></p> +<hr title="Text"> +<h3><a name="l40.0">Chapter XL.</a></h3> +<p><big>Visions, Revelations, and Locutions.</big></p> +<p><a name="l40.1">1</a>. One day, in prayer, the sweetness of which +was so great that, knowing how unworthy I was of so great a blessing, +I began to think how much I had deserved to be in that place which I +had seen prepared for me in hell,--for, as I said +before, [<a href="#l40note1">1</a>] I never forget the way I saw +myself there,--as I was thinking of this, my soul began to be more and +more on fire, and I was carried away in spirit in a way I cannot +describe. It seemed to me as if I had been absorbed in, and filled +with, that grandeur of God which, on another occasion, I had +felt. [<a href="#l40note2">2</a>] In that majesty it was given me to +understand one truth, which is the fulness of all truth, but I cannot +tell how, for I saw nothing. It was said to me, I saw not by whom, +but I knew well enough it was the Truth Itself: "This I am doing +to thee is not a slight matter; it is one of those things for which +thou owest Me much; for all the evil in the world comes from ignorance +of the truths of the holy writings in their clear simplicity, of which +not one iota shall pass away." [<a href="#l40note3">3</a>] I +thought that I had always believed this, and that all the faithful +also believed it. Then he said,: "Ah, My daughter, they are few +who love Me in truth; for if men loved Me, I should not hide My +secrets from them. Knowest thou what it is to love Me in truth? It is +to admit everything to be a lie which is not pleasing unto Me. Now +thou dost not understand it, but thou shalt understand it clearly +hereafter, in the profit it will be to thy soul."</p> +<p><a name="l40.2">2</a>. Our Lord be praised, so I found it; for +after this vision I look upon everything which does not tend to the +service of God as vanity and lies. I cannot tell how much I am +convinced of this, nor how sorry I am for those whom I see living in +darkness, not knowing the truth. I derived other great blessings also +from this, some of which I will here speak of, others I +cannot describe.</p> +<p><a name="l40.3">3</a>. Our Lord at the same time uttered a special +word of most exceeding graciousness. I know not how it was done, for +I saw nothing; but I was filled, in a way which also I cannot +describe, with exceeding strength and earnestness of purpose to +observe with all my might everything contained in the divine writings. +I thought that I could rise above every possible hindrance put in +my way.</p> +<p><a name="l40.4">4</a>. Of this divine truth, which was put before +me I know not how, there remains imprinted within me a truth--I cannot +give it a name--which fills me with a new reverence for God; it gives +me a notion of His Majesty and power in a way which I cannot explain. +I can understand that it is something very high. I had a very great +desire never to speak of anything but of those deep truths which far +surpass all that is spoken of here in the world,--and so the living in +it began to be painful to me.</p> +<p><a name="l40.5">5</a>. The vision left me in great tenderness, joy, +and humility. It seemed to me, though I knew not how, that our Lord +now gave me great things; and I had no suspicion whatever of any +illusion. I saw nothing; but I understood how great a blessing it is +to make no account of anything which does not lead us nearer unto God. +I also understood what it is for a soul to be walking in the truth, in +the presence of the Truth itself. What I understood is this: that our +Lord gave me to understand that He is Himself the very Truth.</p> +<p><a name="l40.6">6</a>. All this I am speaking of I learnt at times +by means of words uttered; at other times I learnt some things without +the help of words, and that more clearly than those other things which +were told me in words. I understood exceedingly deep truths +concerning the Truth, more than I could have done through the teaching +of many learned men. It seems to me that learned men never could have +thus impressed upon me, nor so clearly explained to me, the vanity of +this world.</p> +<p><a name="l40.7">7</a>. The Truth of which I am speaking, and which +I was given to see, is Truth Itself, in Itself. It has neither +beginning nor end. All other truths depend on this Truth, as all +other loves depend on this love, and all other grandeurs on this +grandeur. I understood it all, notwithstanding that my words are +obscure in comparison with that distinctness with which it pleased our +Lord to show it to me. What think you must be the power of His +Majesty, seeing that in so short a time it leaves so great a blessing +and such an impression on the soul? O Grandeur! Majesty of mine! what +is it Thou art doing, O my Lord Almighty! Consider who it is to whom +Thou givest blessings so great! Dost Thou not remember that this my +soul has been an abyss of lies and a sea of vanities, and all my +fault? Though Thou hadst given me a natural hatred of lying yet I did +involve myself in many lying ways. How is this, O my God? how can it +be that mercies and graces so great should fall to the lot of one who +has so ill deserved them at Thy hands?</p> +<p><a name="l40.8">8</a>. Once, when I was with the whole community +reciting the Office, my soul became suddenly recollected, and seemed +to me all bright as a mirror, clear behind, sideways, upwards, and +downwards; and in the centre of it I saw Christ our Lord, as I usually +see Him. It seemed to me that I saw Him distinctly in every part of +my soul, as in a mirror, and at the same time the mirror was all +sculptured--I cannot explain it--in our Lord Himself by a most loving +communication which I can never describe. I know that this vision was +a great blessing to me, and is still whenever I remember it, +particularly after Communion.</p> +<p><a name="l40.9">9</a>. I understood by it, that, when a soul is in +mortal sin, this mirror becomes clouded with a thick vapour, and +utterly obscured, so that our Lord is neither visible nor present, +though He is always present in the conservation of its being. In +heretics, the mirror is, as it were, broken in pieces, and that is +worse than being dimmed. There is a very great difference between +seeing this and describing it, for it can hardly be explained. But it +has done me great good; it has also made me very sorry on account of +those times when I dimmed the lustre of my soul by my sins, so that I +could not see our Lord.</p> +<p><a name="l40.10">10</a>. This vision seems to me very profitable to +recollected persons, to teach them to look upon our Lord as being in +the innermost part of their soul. It is a method of looking upon Him +which penetrates us more thoroughly, and is much more fruitful, than +that of looking upon Him as external to us, as I have said +elsewhere, [<a href="#l40note4">4</a>] and as it is laid down in books +on prayer, where they speak of where we are to seek God. The glorious +<abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Augustin, [<a href="#l40note5">5</a>] +in particular, says so, when he says that neither in the streets of +the city, nor in pleasures, nor in any place whatever where he sought +Him, did he find Him as he found Him within himself. This is clearly +the best way; we need not go up to heaven, nor any further than our +own selves, for that would only distress the spirit and distract the +soul, and bring but little fruit.</p> +<p><a name="l40.11">11</a>. I should like to point out one result of a +deep trance; it may be that some are aware of it. When the time is +over during which the soul was in union, wherein all its powers were +wholly absorbed,--it lasts, as I have said, [<a href="#l40note6">6</a>] +but a moment,--the soul continues still to be recollected, unable to +recover itself even in outward things; for the two powers--the memory +and the understanding--are, as it were, in a frenzy, extremely +disordered. This, I say, happens occasionally, particularly in the +beginnings. I am thinking whether it does not result from this: that +our natural weakness cannot endure the vehemence of the spirit, which +is so great, and that the imagination is enfeebled. I know it to be +so with some. I think it best for these to force themselves to give +up prayer at that time, and resume it afterwards, when they may +recover what they have lost, and not do everything at once, for in +that case much harm might come of it. I know this by experience, as +well as the necessity of considering what our health can bear.</p> +<p><a name="l40.12">12</a>. Experience is necessary throughout, so +also is a spiritual director; for when the soul has reached this +point, there are many matters which must be referred to the director. +If, after seeking such a one, the soul cannot find him, our Lord will +not fail that soul, seeing that He has not failed me, who am what I +am: They are not many, I believe, who know by experience so many +things, and without experience it is useless to treat a soul at all, +for nothing will come of it, save only trouble and distress. But our +Lord will take this also into account, and for that reason it is +always best to refer the matter to the director. I have already more +than once said this, [<a href="#l40note7">7</a>] and even all I am +saying now, only I do not distinctly remember it; but I do see that +it is of great importance, particularly to women, that they should go +to their confessor, and that he should be a man of experience herein. +There are many more women than men to whom our Lord gives these +graces; I have heard the holy friar Peter of Alcantara say so, and, +indeed, I know it myself. He used to say that women made greater +progress in this way than men did; and he gave excellent reasons for +his opinion, all in favour of women; but there is no necessity for +repeating them here.</p> +<p><a name="l40.13">13</a>. Once, when in prayer, I had a vision, for +a moment,--I saw nothing distinctly, but the vision was most +clear,--how all things are seen in God and how all things are +comprehended in Him. I cannot in any way explain it, but the vision +remains most deeply impressed on my soul, and is one of those grand +graces which our Lord wrought in me, and one of those which put me to +the greatest shame and confusion whenever I call my sins to +remembrance. I believe, if it had pleased our Lord that I had seen +this at an earlier time, or if they saw it who sin against Him, we +should have neither the heart nor the daring to do so. I had the +vision, I repeat it, but I cannot say that I saw anything; however, I +must have seen something, seeing that I explain it by an illustration, +only it must have been in a way so subtile and delicate that the +understanding is unable to reach it, or I am so ignorant in all that +relates to these visions, which seem to be not imaginary. In some of +these visions there must be something imaginary, only, as the powers +of the soul are then in a trance, they are not able afterwards to +retain the forms, as our Lord showed them to it then, and as He would +have it rejoice in them.</p> +<p><a name="l40.14">14</a>. Let us suppose the Godhead to be a most +brilliant diamond, much larger than the whole world, or a mirror like +that to which I compared the soul in a former +vision, [<a href="#l40note8">8</a>] only in a way so high that I +cannot possibly describe it; and that all our actions are seen in that +diamond, which is of such dimensions as to include everything, because +nothing can be beyond it. It was a fearful thing for me to see, in so +short a time, so many things together in that brilliant diamond, and a +most piteous thing too, whenever I think of it, to see such foul +things as my sins present in the pure brilliancy of that light.</p> +<p><a name="l40.15">15</a>. So it is, whenever I remember it, I do not +know how to bear it, and I was then so ashamed of myself that I knew +not where to hide myself. Oh, that some one could make this plain to +those who commit most foul and filthy sins, that they may remember +their sins are not secret, and that God most justly resents them, +seeing that they are wrought in the very presence of His Majesty, and +that we are demeaning ourselves so irreverently before Him! I saw, +too, how completely hell is deserved for only one mortal sin, and how +impossible it is to understand the exceeding great wickedness of +committing it in the sight of majesty so great, and how abhorrent to +His nature such actions are. In this we see more and more of His +mercifulness, who, though we all know His hatred of sin, yet suffers +us to live.</p> +<p><a name="l40.16">16</a>. The vision made me also reflect, that if +one such vision as this fills the souls with such awe, what will it be +in the day of judgment, when His Majesty will appear distinctly, and +when we too shall look on the sins we have committed! O my God, I +have been, oh, how blind! I have often been amazed at what I have +written; and you, my father, be you not amazed at anything, but that I +am still living,--I, who see such things, and know myself to be what I +am. Blessed for ever be He who has borne with me so long!</p> +<p><a name="l40.17">17</a>. Once, in prayer, with much recollection, +sweetness, and repose, I saw myself, as it seemed to me, surrounded by +angels, and was close unto God. I began to intercede with His Majesty +on behalf of the church. I was given to understand the great services +which a particular Order would render in the latter days, and the +courage with which its members would maintain the faith.</p> +<p><a name="l40.18">18</a>. I was praying before the most Holy +Sacrament one day; I had a vision of a Saint, whose Order was in some +degree fallen. In his hands he held a large book, which he opened, and +then told me to read certain words, written in large and very legible +letters; they were to this effect: "In times to come this Order +will flourish; it will have +many martyrs." [<a href="#l40note9">9</a>]</p> +<p><a name="l40.19">19</a>. On another occasion, when I was at Matins +in choir, six or seven persons, who seemed to me to be of this Order, +appeared and stood before me with swords in their hands. The meaning +of that, as I think, is that they are to be defenders of the faith; +for at another time, when I was in prayer, I fell into a trance, and +stood in spirit on a wide plain, where many persons were fighting; and +the members of this Order were fighting with great zeal. Their faces +were beautiful, and as it were on fire. Many they laid low on the +ground defeated, others they killed. It seemed to me to be a battle +with heretics.</p> +<p><a name="l40.20">20</a>. I have seen this glorious Saint +occasionally, and he has told me certain things, and thanked me for +praying for his Order, and he has promised to pray for me to our Lord. +I do not say which Orders these are,--our Lord, if it so pleased Him, +could make them known,--lest the others should be aggrieved. Let +every Order, or every member of them by himself, labour, that by his +means our Lord would so bless his own Order that it may serve Him in +the present grave necessities of His Church. Blessed are they whose +lives are so spent.</p> +<p><a name="l40.21">21</a>. I was once asked by a person to pray God +to let him know whether his acceptance of a bishopric would be for the +service of God. After Communion our Lord said to me: "When he +shall have clearly and really understood that true dominion consists +in possessing nothing, he may then accept it." I understood by +this that he who is to be in dignity must be very far from wishing or +desiring it, or at least he must not seek it.</p> +<p><a name="l40.22">22</a>. These and many other graces our Lord has +given, and is giving continually, to me a sinner. I do not think it +is necessary to speak of them, because the state of my soul can be +ascertained from what I have written; so also can the spirit which our +Lord has given me. May He be blessed for ever, who has been so +mindful of me!</p> +<p><a name="l40.23">23</a>. Our Lord said to me once, consoling me, +that I was not to distress myself,--this He said most +lovingly,--because in this life we could not continue in the same +state. [<a href="#l40note10">10</a>] At one time I should be fervent, +at another not; now disquieted, and again at peace, and tempted; but I +must hope in Him, and fear not.</p> +<p><a name="l40.24">24</a>. I was one day thinking whether it was a +want of detachment in me to take pleasure in the company of those who +had the care of my soul, and to have an affection for them, and to +comfort myself with those whom I see to be very great servants of +God. [<a href="#l40note11">11</a>] Our Lord said to me: "It is +not a virtue in a sick man to abstain from thanking and loving the +physician who seems to restore him to health when he is in danger of +death. What should I have done without these persons? The +conversation of good people was never hurtful; my words should always +be weighed, and holy; and I was not to cease my relations with them, +for they would do me good rather than harm."</p> +<p><a name="l40.25">25</a>. This was a great comfort to me, because, +now and then, I wished to abstain from converse with all people; for +it seemed to me that I was attached to them. Always, in all things, +did our Lord console me, even to the showing me how I was to treat +those who were weak, and some other people also. Never did He cease +to take care of me. I am sometimes distressed to see how little I do +in His service, and how I am forced to spend time in taking care of a +body so weak and worthless as mine is, more than I wish.</p> +<p><a name="l40.26">26</a>. I was in prayer one night, when it was +time to go to sleep. I was in very great pain, and my usual sickness +was coming on. [<a href="#l40note12">12</a>] I saw myself so great a +slave to myself, and, on the other hand, the spirit asked for time for +itself. I was so much distressed that I began to weep exceedingly, +and to be very sorry. This has happened to me not once only, but, as +I am saying, very often; and it seems to make me weary of myself, so +that at the time I hold myself literally in abhorrence. Habitually, +however, I know that I do not hate myself, and I never fail to take +that which I see to be necessary for me. May our Lord grant that I do +not take more than is necessary!--I am afraid I do.</p> +<p><a name="l40.27">27</a>. When I was thus distressed, our Lord +appeared unto me. He comforted me greatly, and told me I must do this +for His love, and bear it; my life was necessary now. And so, I +believe, I have never known real pain since I resolved to serve my +Lord and my Consoler with all my strength; for though he would leave +me to suffer a little, yet He would console me in such a way that I am +doing nothing when I long for troubles. And it seems to me there is +nothing worth living for but this, and suffering is what I most +heartily pray to God for. I say to Him sometimes, with my whole +heart: "O Lord, either to die or to suffer! I ask of Thee nothing +else for myself." It is a comfort to me to hear the clock strike, +because I seem to have come a little nearer to the vision of God, in +that another hour of my life has passed away.</p> +<p><a name="l40.28">28</a>. At other times I am in such a state that I +do not feel that I am living, nor yet do I desire to die but I am +lukewarm, and darkness surrounds me on every side, as I said +before; [<a href="#l40note13">13</a>] for I am very often in great +trouble. It pleased our Lord that the graces He wrought in me should +be published abroad, [<a href="#l40note14">14</a>] as He told me some +years ago they should be. It was a great pain to me, and I have borne +much on that account even to this day, as you, my father, know, +because every man explains them in his own sense. But my comfort +herein is that it is not my fault that they are become known, for I +was extremely cautious never to speak of them but to my confessors, or +to persons who I knew had heard of them from them. I was silent, +however, not out of humility, but because, as I said +before, [<a href="#l40note15">15</a>] it gave me great pain to speak of +them even to my confessors.</p> +<p><a name="l40.29">29</a>. Now, however,--to God be the +glory!--though many speak against me, but out of a zeal for goodness, +and though some are afraid to speak to me, and even to hear my +confession, and though others have much to say about me, because I see +that our Lord willed by this means to provide help for many +souls,--and also because I see clearly and keep in mind how much He +would suffer, if only for the gaining of one,--I do not care about it +at all.</p> +<p><a name="l40.30">30</a>. I know not why it is so, but perhaps the +reason may in some measure be that His Majesty has placed me in this +corner out of the way, where the enclosure is so strict, and where I +am as one that is dead. I thought that no one would remember me, but +I am not so much forgotten as I wish I was, for I am forced to speak +to some people. But as I am in a house where none may see me, it +seems as if our Lord had been pleased to bring me to a haven, which I +trust in His Majesty will be secure. Now that I am out of the world, +with companions holy and few in number, I look down on the world as +from a great height, and care very little what people say or know +about me. I think much more of one soul's advancement, even if it +were but slight, than of all that people may say of me; and since I am +settled here it has pleased our Lord that all my desires tend +to this.</p> +<p><a name="l40.31">31</a>. He has made my life to me now a kind of +sleep; for almost always what I see seems to me to be seen as in a +dream, nor have I any great sense either of pleasure or of pain. If +matters occur which may occasion either, the sense of it passes away +so quickly that it astonishes me, and leaves an impression as if I had +been dreaming,--and this is the simple truth; for if I wished +afterwards to delight in that pleasure, or be sorry over that pain, it +is not in my power to do so: just as a sensible person feels neither +pain nor pleasure in the memory of a dream that is past; for now our +Lord has roused my soul out of that state which, because I was not +mortified nor dead to the things of this world, made me feel as I did, +and His Majesty does not wish me to become blind again.</p> +<p><a name="l40.32">32</a>. This is the way I live now, my lord and +father; do you, my father, pray to God that He would take me to +Himself, or enable me to serve Him. May it please His Majesty that +what I have written may be of some use to you, my father! I have so +little time, [<a href="#l40note16">16</a>] and therefore my trouble +has been great in writing; but it will be a blessed trouble if I have +succeeded in saying anything that will cause one single act of praise +to our Lord. If that were the case, I should look upon myself as +sufficiently rewarded, even if you, my father, burnt at once what I +have written. I would rather it were not burnt before those three saw +it, whom you, my father, know of, because they are, and have been, my +confessors; for if it be bad, it is right they should lose the good +opinion they have of me; and if it be good, they are good and learned +men, and I know they will recognise its source, and give praise to Him +who hath spoken through me.</p> +<p><a name="l40.33">33</a>. May His Majesty ever be your protector, and +make you so great a saint that your spirit and light may show the way +to me a miserable creature, so wanting in humility and so bold as to +have ventured to write on subjects so high! May our Lord grant I have +not fallen into any errors in the matter, for I had the intention and +the desire to be accurate and obedient, and also that through me He +might, in some measure, have glory,--because that is what I have been +praying for these many years; and as my good works are inefficient for +that end, I have ventured to put in order this my disordered life. +Still, I have not wasted more time, nor given it more attention, than +was necessary for writing it; yet I have put down all that has +happened to me with all the simplicity and sincerity possible.</p> +<p><a name="l40.34">34</a>. May our Lord, who is all-powerful, +grant--and He can if He will--that I may attain to the doing of His +will in all things! May He never suffer this soul to be lost, which +He so often, in so many ways, and by so many means, has rescued from +hell and drawn unto Himself! Amen.</p> +<p>I.H.S.</p> +<p>The Holy Spirit be ever with you, my +father. [<a href="#l40note17">17</a>] Amen. It would not be anything +improper if I were to magnify my labour in writing this, to oblige you +to be very careful to recommend me to our Lord; for indeed I may well +do so, considering what I have gone through in giving this account of +myself, and in retracing my manifold wretchedness. But, still, I can +say with truth that I felt it more difficult to speak of the graces +which I have received from our Lord than to speak of my offences +against His Majesty. You, my father, commanded me to write at length; +that is what I have done, on condition that you will do what you +promised, namely, destroy everything in it that has the appearance of +being wrong. I had not yet read it through after I had written it, +when your reverence sent for it. Some things in it may not be very +clearly explained, and there may be some repetitions; for the time I +could give to it was so short, that I could not stop to see what I was +writing. I entreat your reverence to correct it and have it copied, +if it is to be sent on to the Father-Master, +Avila, [<a href="#l40note18">18</a>] for perhaps some one may recognise +the handwriting. I wish very much you would order it so that he might +see it, for I began to write it with a view to that I shall be greatly +comforted if he shall think that I am on a safe road, now that, so far +as it concerns me, there is nothing more to be done.</p> +<p>Your reverence will do in all things that which to you shall seem +good, and you will look upon yourself as under an obligation to take +care of one who trusts her soul to your keeping. I will pray for the +soul of your reverence to our Lord, so long as I live. You will, +therefore, be diligent in His service, in order that you may be able +to help me; for your reverence will see by what I have written how +profitable it is to give oneself, as your reverence has begun to do, +wholly unto Him who gives Himself to us so utterly +without measure.</p> +<p>Blessed be His Majesty for ever! I hope of His mercy we shall see +one another one day, when we, your reverence and myself, shall see +more clearly the great mercies He has shown us, and when we shall +praise Him for ever and ever. Amen. This book was finished in +June, 1562.</p> +<p>"This date refers to the first account which the holy Mother +Teresa of Jesus wrote of her life; it was not then divided into +chapters. Afterwards she made this copy, and inserted in it many +things which had taken place subsequent to this date, such as the +foundation of the monastery of <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Joseph +of Avila, as in <abbr +title="page">p.</abbr> 169. [<a href="#l40note19">19</a>]--<span +lang="es">Fray</span> <abbr title="Domingo">Do</abbr> Bañes."</p> +<hr title="Notes"> +<p><small><a name="l40note1">1</a>. <a href="#l32.1">Ch. +xxxii. § 1</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l40note2">2</a>. <a href="#l28.14">Ch. +xxviii. § 14</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l40note3">3</a>. <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> +Matt. v. 18: "<span lang="he">Iota</span> <span lang="la">unum aut +unus apex non præteribit a lege.</span>"</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l40note4">4</a>. <a href="#l4.10">Ch. iv. +§ 10</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l40note5">5</a>. <span lang="la">"Ecce quantum +spatiatus sum in memoria mea quærens Te, Domine; et non Te inveni +extra eam. . . . Ex quo didici Te, manes in memoria mea, et illic Te +invenio cum reminiscor Tui et delector in Te"</span> +(<cite lang="la"><abbr title="Confessiones">Confess.</abbr></cite> +x. 24). See <cite>Inner Fortress</cite>, Sixth Mansion, +ch. iv.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l40note6">6</a>. <a href="#l20.26">Ch. +xx. § 26</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l40note7">7</a>. <a href="#l25.18">Ch. +xxv. § 18</a>, <a href="#l26.4">ch. xxvi. § 4</a>. See +<abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> John of the Cross, <cite>Mount +Carmel</cite>, bk. ii. ch. xxii.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l40note8">8</a>. <a +href="#l40.8">§ 8</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l40note9">9</a>. Yepez says that the Order here +spoken of is the Carmelite, and Ribera understands the Saint to refer +to that of <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Dominic. The Bollandists, +n. 1638-1646, on the whole, prefer the authority of Ribera to that of +Yepez and give good reasons for their preference, setting aside as +insufficient the testimony of <span lang="es">Fray</span> Luis of the +Assumption, who says he heard himself from the Venerable Anne of <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Bartholomew that the Order in question is the +Order of our Lady of Mount Carmel. Don Vicente, the Spanish editor, +rejects the opinion of Ribera, on the ground that it could not have +been truly said of the Dominicans in the sixteenth century that the +Order was in "some degree fallen," for it was in a most +flourishing state. He therefore was inclined to believe that the +Saint referred to the Augustinians or to the Franciscans. But, after +he had printed this part of his book, he discovered among the <abbr +title="manuscripts">MSS.</abbr> in the public library of Madrid a +letter of Anne of <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Bartholomew, +addressed to <span lang="es">Fray</span> Luis of the Assumption, in +which the saintly companion of <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Teresa +says that the "Order was ours." Don Vicente has published the +letter in the Appendix, p. 566.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l40note10">10</a>. Job xiv. 2: <span +lang="la">"Nunquam in eodem +statu permanet."</span></small></p> +<p><small><a name="l40note11">11</a>. See <a +href="#l37.4">ch. xxxvii. §§ 4</a>, <a +href="#l37.6">6</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l40note12">12</a>. See <a +href="#l7.18">ch. vii. § 18</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l40note13">13</a>. <a href="#l30.10">Ch. +xxx. § 10</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l40note14">14</a>. <a href="#l31.16">Ch. +xxxi. §§ 16, 17</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l40note15">15</a>. <a href="#l28.6">Ch. +xxviii. § 6</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l40note16">16</a>. See <a +href="#l14.12">ch. xiv. § 12</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l40note17">17</a>. This letter, which seems to have +accompanied the "Life," is printed among the other letters of +the Saint, and is addressed to her confessor, the Dominican friar, +Pedro Ibañez. It is the fifteenth letter in the first volume of the +edition of Madrid; but it is not dated there.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l40note18">18</a>. Juan de Avila, commonly called +the Apostle of Andalusia.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="l40note19">19</a>. <i +lang="la"><abbr title="Id est">I.e.</abbr></i> of the <abbr +title="manuscript">MS</abbr>. See <a +href="#page337">p. 337</a> of this translation.</small></p> +<hr title="Text"> +<p><small><a name="rehalftp">The</a></small><br> +<big><big>Relations or Manifestations</big></big><br> +<small>of Her</small><br> +<big>Spiritual State</big><br> +<small>Which</small><br> +<abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Teresa Submitted to Her Confessors.</p> +<h2>The Relations.</h2> +<h3><a name="r1.0">Relation 1.</a></h3> +<p><big>Sent to <abbr title="Saint">St</abbr>. Peter of Alcantara in +1560 from the Monastery of the +Incarnation, Avila. [<a href="#r1note1">1</a>]</big></p> +<p><a name="r1.1">1</a>. The method of prayer I observe at present is +this: when I am in prayer, it is very rarely that I can use the +understanding, because the soul becomes at once recollected, remains +in repose, or falls into a trance, so that I cannot in any way have +the use of the faculties and the senses,--so much so, that the hearing +alone is left; but then it does not help me to +understand anything.</p> +<p><a name="r1.2">2</a>. It often happens, when I am not even thinking +of the things of God, but engaged in other matters, and when prayer +seems to be beyond my power, whatever efforts I might make, because of +the great aridity I am in, bodily pains contributing thereto, that +this recollection or elevation of spirit comes upon me so suddenly +that I cannot withstand it, and the fruits and blessings it brings +with it are in a moment mine: and this, without my having had a +vision, or heard anything, or knowing where I am, except that when the +soul seems to be lost I see it make great progress, which I could not +have made if I had laboured for a whole year, so great is my gain.</p> +<p><a name="r1.3">3</a>. At other times certain excessive +impetuosities occur, accompanied with a certain fainting away of the +soul for God, so that I have no control over +myself; [<a href="#r1note2">2</a>] my life seems to have come to an +end, and so it makes me cry out and call upon God; and this comes upon +me with great vehemence. Sometimes I cannot remain sitting, so great +is the oppression of the heart; and this pain comes on without my +doing anything to cause it, and the nature of it is such that my soul +would be glad never to be without it while I live. And the longings I +have are longings not to live; and they come on because it seems as if +I must live on without being able to find any relief, for relief comes +from the vision of God, which comes by death, and death is what I +cannot take; and with all this my soul thinks that all except itself +are filled with consolations, and that all find help in their +troubles, but not itself. The distress thus occasioned is so intense +that, if our Lord did not relieve it by throwing it into a trance, +whereby all is made calm, and the soul rests in great quiet and is +satisfied, now by seeing something of that which it desires, now by +hearing other things, it would seem to be impossible for it to be +delivered from this pain.</p> +<p><a name="r1.4">4</a>. At other times there come upon me certain +desires to serve God, with a vehemence so great that I cannot describe +it, and accompanied with a certain pain at seeing how unprofitable I +am. It seems to me then that there is nothing in the world, neither +death, nor martyrdom, that I could not easily endure. This +conviction, too, is not the result of any reflection, but comes in a +moment. I am wholly changed, and I know not whence cometh such great +courage. I think I should live to raise my voice, and publish to all +the world how important it is for men not to be satisfied with the +common way, and how great the good is that God will give us if we +prepare ourselves to receive it. I say it again, these desires are +such that I am melted away in myself, for I seem to desire what I +cannot have. The body seems to me to hold me in prison, through its +inability to serve God and my state [<a href="#r1note3">3</a>] in +anything; for if it were not for the body, I might do very great +things, so far as my strength would allow; and thus, because I see +myself without any power whatever to serve God, I feel this pain in a +way wholly indescribable; the issue is delight, recollection, and the +consolation of God.</p> +<p><a name="r1.5">5</a>. Again, it has happened, when these longings +to serve Him come upon me, that I wish to do penance, but I am not +able. It would be a great relief to me, and it does relieve and cheer +me, though what I do is almost nothing, because of my bodily weakness; +and yet, if I were to give way to these my longings, I believe I +should observe no moderation.</p> +<p><a name="r1.6">6</a>. Sometimes, if I have to speak to any one, I +am greatly distressed, and I suffer so much that it makes me weep +abundantly; for my whole desire is to be alone, and solitude comforts +me, though at times I neither pray nor read, and +conversation--particularly of kindred and connections--seems +oppressive, and myself to be as a slave, except when I speak to those +whose conversation is of prayer and matters of the soul,--in these I +find comfort and joy; [<a href="#r1note4">4</a>] yet these occasionally +are too much for me, and I would rather not see them, but go where I +might be alone: though this is not often the case, for those +especially who direct my conscience always console me.</p> +<p><a name="r1.7">7</a>. At other times it gives me much pain that I +must eat and sleep, and that I see I cannot forego these things, being +less able to do so than any one. I submit that I may serve God, and +thus I offer up those actions to him. Time seems to me too short, and +that I have not enough for my prayer, for I should never be tired of +being alone. I am always wishing I had time for reading, for I have +been always fond of reading. I read very little, for when I take up a +book I become recollected through the pleasure it gives me, and thus +my reading is turned into prayer: and it is but rarely, for I have +many occupations; and though they are good, they do not give me the +pleasure which reading would give. And thus I am always wishing for +more time, and everything becomes disagreeable, so I believe, because +I see I cannot do what I wish and desire.</p> +<p><a name="r1.8">8</a>. All these desires, with an increase in +virtue, have been given me by our Lord since He raised me to this +prayer of quiet, and sent these raptures. I find myself so improved +that I look on myself as being a mass of perdition before this. These +raptures and visions leave me in possession of the blessings I shall +now speak of; and I maintain that, if there be any good in me, they +are the occasions of it.</p> +<p><a name="r1.9">9</a>. I have made a very strong resolution never to +offend God, not even venially. I would rather die a thousand deaths +than do anything of the kind knowingly. I am resolved never to leave +undone anything I may consider to be the more perfect, or more for the +honour of our Lord, if he who has the care of my soul and directs me +tells me I may do it. Cost me what pain it might, I would not leave +such an act undone for all the treasure of the world. If I were to do +so, I do not think I could have the face to ask anything of God our +Lord, or to make my prayer; and yet, for all this, I have many faults +and imperfections. I am obedient to my +confessor, [<a href="#r1note5">5</a>] though imperfectly; but if I know +that he wishes or commands anything, I would not leave that undone, so +far as I understand it; if I did so, I should think myself under a +grievous delusion.</p> +<p><a name="r1.10">10</a>. I have a longing for poverty, though not +free from imperfection; however, I believe, if I had wealth, I would +not reserve any revenue, nor hoard money for myself, nor do I care for +it; I wish to have only what is necessary. Nevertheless, I feel that +I am very defective in this virtue; for, though I desire nothing for +myself, I should like to have something to give away: still, I desire +no revenue, nor anything for myself. [<a href="#r1note6">6</a>]</p> +<p><a name="r1.11">11</a>. In almost all the visions I have had, I +have found good, if it be not a delusion of Satan; herein I submit +myself to the judgment of my confessors.</p> +<p><a name="r1.12">12</a>. As to fine and beautiful things, such as +water, fields, perfume, music, etc., I think I would rather not have +them, so great is the difference between them and what I am in the +habit of seeing, and so all pleasure in them is gone from +me. [<a href="#r1note7">7</a>] Hence it is that I care not for them, +unless it be at the first sight: they never make any further +impression; to me they seem but dirt.</p> +<p><a name="r1.13">13</a>. If I speak or converse with people in the +world--for I cannot help it--even about prayer, and if the +conversation be long, though to pass away the time, I am under great +constraint if it be not necessary, for it gives me much pain.</p> +<p><a name="r1.14">14</a>. Amusements, of which I used to be fond, and +worldly things, are all disagreeable to me now, and I cannot look +at them.</p> +<p><a name="r1.15">15</a>. The longings, which I said I +have, [<a href="#r1note8">8</a>] of loving and serving and seeing God, +are not helped by any reflections, as formerly, when I thought I was +very devout, and shed many tears; but they flow out of a certain fire +and heat so excessive that, I repeat it, if God did not relieve them +by throwing me into a trance, wherein the soul seems to find itself +satisfied, I believe my life would come to an end at once.</p> +<p><a name="r1.16">16</a>. When I see persons making great progress, +and thus resolved, detached, and courageous, I love them much; and I +should like to have my conversation with such persons, and I think +they help me on. People who are afraid, and seemingly cautious in +those things, the doing of which is perfectly reasonable here, seem to +vex me, and drive me to pray to God and the saints to make them +undertake such things as these which now frighten us. Not that I am +good for anything myself, but because I believe that God helps those +who, for His sake, apply themselves to great things, and that He never +abandons any one who puts his trust in Him only. And I should like to +find any one who would help me to believe so, and to be without +thought about food and raiment, but leave it all in the hands +of God. [<a href="#r1note9">9</a>]</p> +<p><a name="r1.17">17</a>. This leaving in the hands of God the supply +of all I need is not to be understood as excluding all labour on my +part, but merely solicitude--I mean, the solicitude of care. And +since I have attained to this liberty, it goes well with me, and I +labour to forget myself as much as I can. I do not think it is a year +ago since our Lord gave me this liberty.</p> +<p><a name="r1.18">18</a>. +Vainglory [<a href="#r1note10">10</a>]--glory, be to God!--so far as I +know, there is no reason why I should have any; for I see plainly that +in these things which God sends me I have no part myself; on the +contrary, God makes me conscious of my own wretchedness; for whatever +reflections I might be able to make, I could never come to the +knowledge of such deep truths as I attain to in a single rapture.</p> +<p><a name="r1.19">19</a>. When I speak of these things a few days +after, they seem to me as if they had happened to another person. +Previously, I thought it a wrong to me that they should be known to +others; but I see now that I am not therefore any the better, but +rather worse, seeing that I make so little progress after receiving +mercies so great. And certainly, in every way, it seems to me that +there was not in the world anybody worse than myself; and so the +virtues of others seem to me much more meritorious than mine, and that +I do nothing myself but receive graces, and that God must give to +others at once all that He is now giving unto me; and I pray Him not +to reward me in this life; and so I believe that God has led me along +this way because I am weak and wicked.</p> +<p><a name="r1.20">20</a>. When I am in prayer, and even almost always +when I am able to reflect at all, I cannot, even if I tried, pray to +God for rest, or desire it; for I see that His life was one of +suffering, and that I ask Him to send me, giving me first the grace to +bear it.</p> +<p><a name="r1.21">21</a>. Everything of this kind, and of the highest +perfection, seems to make so deep an impression on me in prayer, that +I am amazed at the sight of truths so great and so clear that the +things of the world seem to be folly; and so it is necessary for me to +take pains to reflect on the way I demeaned myself formerly in the +things of the world, for it seems to me folly to feel for deaths and +the troubles of the world,--at least, that sorrow for, or love of, +kindred and friends should last long. I say I have to take pains when +I am considering what I was, and what I used to feel.</p> +<p><a name="r1.22">22</a>. If I see people do anything which clearly +seems to be sin, I cannot make up my mind that they have offended God; +and if I dwell upon this at all,--which happens rarely or never,--I +never can make up my mind, though I see it plainly enough. It seems +to me that everybody is as anxious to serve God as I am. And herein +God has been very gracious unto me, for I never dwell on an evil deed, +to remember it afterwards and if I do remember it, I see some virtue +or other in that person. In this way these things never weary me, +except generally: but heresies do; they distress me very often, and +almost always when I think of them they seem to me to be the only +trouble which should be felt. And also I feel, when I see people who +used to give themselves to prayer fall away; this gives me pain, but +not much, because I strive not to dwell upon it.</p> +<p><a name="r1.23">23</a>. I find, also, that I am improved in the +matter of that excessive neatness which I was wont to +observe, [<a href="#r1note11">11</a>] though not wholly delivered from +it. I do not discern that I am always mortified in this; sometimes, +however, I do.</p> +<p><a name="r1.24">24</a>. All this I have described, together with a +very constant dwelling in thought on God, is the ordinary state of my +soul, so far as I can understand it. And if I must be busy about +something else, without my seeking it, as I said +before, [<a href="#r1note12">12</a>] I know not who makes me +awake,--and this not always, only when I am busy with things of +importance; and such--glory be to God!--only at intervals demand my +attention, and do not occupy me at all times.</p> +<p><a name="r1.25">25</a>. For some days--they are not many, +however--for three, or four, or five, all my good and fervent +thoughts, and my visions, seem to be withdrawn, yea, even forgotten, +so that, if I were to seek for it, I know of no good that can ever +have been in me. It seems to have been all a dream, or, at least, I +can call nothing to mind. Bodily pains at the same time distress me. +My understanding is troubled, so that I cannot think at all about God, +neither do I know under what law I live. If I read anything, I do not +understand it; I seem to be full of faults, and without any resolution +whatever to practise virtue; and the great resolution I used to have +is come to this, that I seem to be unable to resist the least +temptation or slander of the world. It suggests itself to me then that +I am good for nothing, if any one would have me undertake more than +the common duties. I give way to sadness, thinking I have deceived +all those who trusted me at all. I should like to hide myself where +nobody could see me; but my desire for solitude arises from want of +courage, not from love of virtue. It seems to me that I should like +to dispute with all who contradict me; I am under the influence of +these impressions, only God has been so gracious unto me, that I do +not offend more frequently than I was wont to do, nor do I ask Him to +deliver me from them, but only, if it be His will I should always +suffer thus, to keep me from offending Him; and I submit myself to His +will with my whole heart, and I see that it is a very great grace +bestowed upon me that He does not keep me constantly in +this state.</p> +<p><a name="r1.26">26</a>. One thing astonishes me; it is that, while +I am in this state, through a single word of those I am in the habit +of hearing, or a single vision, or a little self-recollection, lasting +but an Ave Maria, or through my drawing near to communicate, I find my +soul and body so calm, so sound, the understanding so clear, and +myself possessing all the strength and all the good desires I usually +have. And this I have had experience of very often--at least when I +go to Communion; it is more than six months ago that I felt a clear +improvement in my bodily health, [<a href="#r1note13">13</a>] and that +occasionally brought about through raptures, and I find it last +sometimes more than three hours, at other times I am much stronger for +a whole day; and I do not think it is fancy, for I have considered the +matter, and reflected on it. Accordingly, when I am thus recollected, +I fear no illness. The truth is, that when I pray, as I was +accustomed to do before, I feel no improvement.</p> +<p><a name="r1.27">27</a>. All these things of which I am speaking +make me believe that it comes from God; for when I see what I once +was, that I was in the way of being lost, and that soon, my soul +certainly is astonished at these things, without knowing whence these +virtues came to me; I did not know myself, and saw that all was a +gift, and not the fruit of my labours. I understand in all +truthfulness and sincerity, and see that I am not deluded, that it has +been not only the means of drawing me to God in His service, but of +saving me also from hell. This my confessors know, who have heard my +general confession.</p> +<p><a name="r1.28">28</a>. Also, when I see any one who knows anything +about me, I wish to let him know my whole +life, [<a href="#r1note14">14</a>] because my honour seems to me to +consist in the honour of our Lord, and I care for nothing else. This +He knows well, or I am very blind; for neither honour, nor life, nor +praise, nor good either of body or of soul, can interest me, nor do I +seek or desire any advantage, only His glory. I cannot believe that +Satan has sought so many means of making my soul advance, in order to +lose it after all. I do not hold him to be so foolish. Nor can I +believe it of God, though I have deserved to fall into delusions +because of my sins, that He has left unheeded so many prayers of so +many good people for two years, and I do nothing else but ask +everybody to pray to our Lord that He would show me if this be for His +glory, or lead me by another way. [<a href="#r1note15">15</a>] I do +not believe that these things would have been permitted by His Majesty +to be always going on if they were not His work. These +considerations, and the reasons of so many saintly men, give me +courage when I am under the pressure of fear that they are not from +God, I being so wicked myself. But when I am in prayer, and during +those days when I am in repose, and my thoughts fixed on God, if all +the learned and holy men in the world came together and put me to, all +conceivable tortures, and I, too, desirous of agreeing with them, they +could not make me believe that this is the work of Satan, for I +cannot. And when they would have had me believe it, I was afraid, +seeing who it was that said so; and I thought that they must be saying +what was true, and that I, being what I was, must have been deluded. +But all they had said to me was destroyed by the first word, or +recollection, or vision that came, and I was able to resist no longer, +and believed it was from God. [<a href="#r1note16">16</a>]</p> +<p><a name="r1.29">29</a>. However, I can think that Satan now and +then may intermeddle here, and so it is, as I have seen and said; but +he produces different results, nor can he, as it seems to me, deceive +any one possessed of any experience. Nevertheless, I say that, though +I do certainly believe this to be from God, I would never do anything, +for any consideration whatever, that is not judged by him who has the +charge of my soul to be for the better service of our Lord, and I +never had any intention but to obey without concealing anything, for +that is my duty. I am very often rebuked for my faults, and that in +such a way as to pierce me to the very quick; and I am warned when +there is, or when there may be, any danger in what I am doing. These +rebukes and warnings have done me much good, in often reminding me of +my former sins, which make me exceedingly sorry.</p> +<p><a name="r1.30">30</a>. I have been very long, but this is the +truth,--that, when I rise from my prayer, I see that I have received +blessings which seem too briefly described. Afterwards I fall into +many imperfections, and am unprofitable and very wicked. And perhaps +I have no perception of what is good, but am deluded; still, the +difference in my life is notorious, and compels me to think over all I +have said--I mean, that which I verily believe I have felt. These are +the perfections which I feel our Lord has wrought in me, who am so +wicked and so imperfect. I refer it all to your judgment, my father, +for you know the whole state of my soul.</p> +<hr title="Notes"> +<p><small><a name="r1note1">1</a>. Fra <abbr +title="Antonio">Anton.</abbr> a Sancto Joseph, in his notes on this +Relation, usually published among the letters of the Saint, ed. +Doblado, vol. ii. letter 11, says it was written for <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Peter of Alcantara when he came to Avila in +1560, at the time when the Saint was so severely tried by her +confessors and the others who examined her spirit, and were convinced +that her prayer was a delusion of Satan: see the <a +href="#l25.18"><cite>Life</cite>, ch. xxv. § 18</a>. The +following notes were discovered among the papers of the Saint in the +monastery of the Incarnation, and are supposed to refer to this +Relation. The Chronicler of the Order, Fra Francis a Sancta Maria, is +inclined to the belief that they were written by <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Peter of Alcantara, to whom the Relation is +addressed, and the more so because Ribera does not claim them for any +member of the Society, notwithstanding the reference to them in <a +href="#r1n1.22">§§ 22</a>, <a href="#r1n1.28">28</a>.</small></p> +<blockquote><p><small>"1. The end God has in view is the drawing a +soul to himself; that of the devil is the withdrawing it from God. +Our Lord never does anything whereby anyone may be separated from Him, +and the devil does nothing whereby any one may be made to draw near +unto God. All the visions and the other operations in the soul of +this person draw her nearer unto God, and make her more humble +and obedient.</small></p> +<p><small>"2. It is the teaching of <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> +Thomas that an angel of light may be recognised by the peace and +quietness he leaves in the soul. She is never visited in this way, +but she afterwards abides in peace and joy; so much so, that all the +pleasures of earth together are not comparable to one of +these visitations.</small></p> +<p><small>"3. She never commits a fault, nor falls into an +imperfection, without being instantly rebuked by Him who speaks +interiorly to her.</small></p> +<p><small>"4. She has never prayed for nor wished for them: all +she wishes for is to do the will of God our Lord in +all things.</small></p> +<p><small>"5. Everything herein is consistent with the Scriptures +and the teaching of the Church, and most +true, according to the most rigorous principles of +scholastic theology.</small></p> +<p><small>"6. This soul is most pure and sincere, with the most +fervent desires of being pleasing unto God, and of trampling on every +earthly thing.</small></p> +<p><small>"7. She has been told that whatever she shall ask of +God, being good, she shall have. She has asked much, and things not +convenient to put on paper lest it should be wearisome; all of which +our Lord has granted.</small></p> +<p><small>"8. When these operations are from God, they are always +directed to the good of the recipient, to that of the community, or of +some other. That she has profited by them she knows by experience, +and she knows it, too, of other persons also.</small></p> +<p><small>"9. No one converses with her, if he be not in evil +dispositions, who is not moved thereby to devotion, even though she +says nothing about it.</small></p> +<p><small>"10. She is growing daily in the perfection of virtues, +and learns by these things the way of a higher perfection. And thus, +during the whole time in which she had visions, she was making +progress, according to the doctrine of <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Thomas.</small></p> +<p><small>"11. The spirit that speaks to her soul never tells her +anything in the way of news, or what is unbecoming, but only that +which tends to edification.</small></p> +<p><small>"12. She has been told of some persons that they were +full of devils: but this was for the purpose of enabling her to +understand the state of a soul which has sinned mortally against +our Lord.</small></p> +<p><small>"13. The devil's method is, when he attempts to deceive +a soul, to advise that soul never to speak of what he says to it; but +the spirit that speaks to this soul warns her to be open with learned +men, servants of our Lord, and that the devil may deceive her if she +should conceal anything through shame.</small></p> +<p><small>"14. So great is the progress of her soul in this way, +and the edification she ministers in the good example given, that more +than forty nuns in her monastery practise +great recollection.</small></p> +<p><small>"15. These supernatural things occur after long praying, +when she is absorbed in God, on fire with His love, or +at Communion.</small></p> +<p><small>"16. They kindle in her a most earnest desire to be on +the right road, and to escape the delusions of Satan.</small></p> +<p><small>"17. They are in her the cause of the deepest humility; +she understands that what she receives comes to her from the hand of +our Lord, and how little worth she is herself.</small></p> +<p><small>"18. When they are withheld, anything that occurs is +wont to pain and distress her; but when she is in this state, she +remembers nothing; all she is conscious of is a great longing for +suffering, and so great is it that she is amazed at it.</small></p> +<p><small>"19. They are to her sources of joy and consolation in +her troubles, when people speak ill of her, and in her +infirmities--and she has fearful pains about the heart, sicknesses, +and many other afflictions, all of which leave her when she has +these visions.</small></p> +<p><small>"20. With all this, she undergoes great penances, +fasting, the discipline, and mortifications.</small></p> +<p><small>"21. All that on earth may give her any pleasure, and +her trials, which are many, she bears with equal tranquillity of +mind, without losing the peace and quiet of her soul.</small></p> +<p><small>"<a name="r1n1.22">22</a>. Her resolution never to offend our Lord is so +earnest that she has made a vow never to leave undone what she knows +herself, or is told by those who understand the matter better, to be +the more perfect. And though she holds the members of the Society to +be saints, and believes that our Lord made +use of them to bestow on her graces so great, she told me that, if she +knew it would be more perfect to have nothing more to do with them, +she would never speak to them again, nor see them, notwithstanding the +fact that it was through them that her mind had been quieted and +directed in these things.</small></p> +<p><small>"23. The sweetnesses she commonly receives, her sense of +God, her languishing with love, are certainly marvellous, and through +these she is wont to be enraptured the whole day long.</small></p> +<p><small>"24. She frequently falls into a trance when she hears +God spoken of with devotion and earnestness, and cannot resist the +rapture, do what she can; and in that state her appearance is such +that she excites very great devotion.</small></p> +<p><small>"25. She cannot bear to be directed by any one who will +not tell her of her faults, and rebuke her; all that she accepts with +great humility.</small></p> +<p><small>"26. Moreover, she cannot endure people who are in a +state of perfection, if they do not labour to become perfect, +according to the spirit of their rule.</small></p> +<p><small>"27. She is most detached from her kindred, has no +desire to converse with people, and loves solitude. She has a great +devotion to the saints, and on their feasts, and on the days on which +the Church celebrates the mysteries of the faith, is filled with most +fervent affections for our Lord.</small></p> +<p><small>"<a name="r1n1.28">28</a>. If all the members of the Society, and all the +servants of God upon earth, tell her that her state is an effect of +the operations of Satan, or were to say so, she is in fear and +trembling before the visions occur; but as soon as she is in prayer, +and recollected, she cannot be persuaded, were they to tear her into a +thousand pieces, that it is any other than God who is working in her +and speaking to her.</small></p> +<p><small>"29. God has given her a most wonderfully strong and +valiant spirit: she was once timid; now she tramples on all the evil +spirits. She has put far away from herself all the littleness and +silliness of women; she is singularly free from scruples, and +most sincere.</small></p> +<p><small>"30. Besides, our Lord has given her the gift of most +sweet tears, great compassion for her neighbours, the knowledge of her +own faults, a great reverence for good people, and self-abasement; and +I am certain that she has done good to many, of whom I +am one.</small></p> +<p><small>"31. She is continually reminding herself of God, and +has a sense of His presence. All the locutions have been verified, +and every one of them accomplished; and this is a very +great test.</small></p> +<p><small>"32. Her visions are a source of great clearness in her +understanding, and an admirable illumination in the things +of God.</small></p> +<p><small>"33. It was said to her that she should lead those who +were trying her spirit to look into the Scriptures, and that they +would not find that any soul desirous of pleasing God had been so +long deceived."</small></p></blockquote> +<p><small><a name="r1note2">2</a>. See <a +href="#l29.9"><cite>Life</cite>, ch. xxix. +§§ 9-13</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="r1note3">3</a>. De la Fuente thinks she means the +religious state.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="r1note4">4</a>. See <a +href="#l24.8"><cite>Life</cite>, ch. xxiv. § 8</a>, and <a +href="#l31.22">ch. xxxi. § 22</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="r1note5">5</a>. See <a +href="#l23.19"><cite>Life</cite>, ch. xxiii. +§ 19</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="r1note6">6</a>. See <a +href="#l35.2"><cite>Life</cite>, ch. xxxv. +§ 2</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="r1note7">7</a>. See <a +href="#l9.6"><cite>Life</cite>, ch. ix. § 6</a>, and <a +href="#l14.7">ch. xiv. § 7</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="r1note8">8</a>. See <a href="#r1.3">§ 3</a>, +above.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="r1note9">9</a>. <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> +Matt. vi. 31: <span lang="la">"Nolite ergo solliciti esse, +dicentes: Quid manducabimus. . . . aut +quo operiemur?"</span></small></p> +<p><small><a name="r1note10">10</a>. See <a +href="#l7.2"><cite>Life</cite>, ch. vii. +§ 2</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="r1note11">11</a>. See <a +href="#l2.2"><cite>Life</cite>, ch. ii. § 2</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="r1note12">12</a>. <a href="#r1.2">§ 2</a>, +above.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="r1note13">13</a>. See <a +href="#l20.29"><cite>Life</cite>, ch. xx. +§ 29</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="r1note14">14</a>. See <a +href="#l31.17"><cite>Life</cite>, ch. xxxi. +§ 17</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="r1note15">15</a>. See <a +href="#l25.20"><cite>Life</cite>, ch. xxv. +§ 20</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="r1note16">16</a>. See <a +href="#l25.18"><cite>Life</cite>, ch. xxv. §§ 18</a>, <a +href="#l25.22">22</a>.</small></p> +<hr title="Text"> +<h3><a name="r2.0">Relation II.</a></h3> +<p><big>To One of Her Confessors, from the House of Doña Luisa de la +Cerda, in 1562. [<a href="#r2note1">1</a>]</big></p> +<p>Jesus.</p> +<p>I think it is more than a year since this was written; God has all +this time protected me with His hand, so that I have not become worse; +on the contrary, I see a great change for the better in all I have to +say: may He be praised for it all!</p> +<p><a name="r2.1">1</a>. The visions and revelations have not ceased, +but they are of a much higher kind. Our Lord has taught me a way of +prayer, wherein I find myself far more advanced, more detached from +the things of this life, more courageous, and more +free. [<a href="#r2note2">2</a>] I fall into a trance more frequently, +for these ecstasies at times come upon me with great violence, and in +such a way as to be outwardly visible, I having no power to resist +them; and even when I am with others--for they come in such a way as +admits of no disguising them, unless it be by letting people suppose +that, as I am subject to disease of the heart, they are fainting-fits; +I take great pains, however, to resist them when they are coming +on--sometimes I cannot do it.</p> +<p><a name="r2.2">2</a>. As to poverty, God seems to have wrought +great things in me; for I would willingly be without even what is +necessary, unless given me as an alms; and therefore my longing is +extreme that I may be in such a state as to depend on alms alone for +my food. It seems to me that to live, when I am certain of food and +raiment without fail, is not so complete an observance of my vow or of +the counsel of Christ as it would be to live where no revenue is +possessed, and I should be in want at times; and as to the blessings +that come with true poverty, they seem to me to be great, and I would +not miss them. Many times do I find myself with such great faith, +that I do not think God will ever fail those who serve Him, and +without any doubt whatever that there is, or can be, any time in which +His words are not fulfilled: I cannot persuade myself to the contrary, +nor can I have any fear; and so, when they advise me to accept an +endowment, I feel it keenly, and betake myself unto God.</p> +<p><a name="r2.3">3</a>. I think I am much more compassionate towards +the poor than I used to be, having a great pity for them and a desire +to help them; for if I regarded only my good will, I should give them +even the habit I wear. I am not fastidious with respect to them, even +if I had to do with them or touched them with my hands,--and this I +now see is a gift of God; for though I used to give alms for His love, +I had no natural compassion. I am conscious of a distinct +improvement herein.</p> +<p><a name="r2.4">4</a>. As to the evil speaking directed against +me,--which is considerable, and highly injurious to me, and done by +many,--I find myself herein also very much the better. I think that +what they say makes scarcely any more impression upon me than it would +upon an idiot. I think at times, and nearly always, that it is just. +I feel it so little that I see nothing in it that I might offer to +God, as I learn by experience that my soul gains greatly thereby; on +the contrary, the evil speaking seems to be a favour. And thus, the +first time I go to prayer, I have no ill-feeling against them; the +first time I hear it, it creates in me a little resistance, but it +neither disturbs nor moves me; on the contrary, when I see others +occasionally disturbed, I am sorry for them. So it is, I put myself +out of the question; for all the wrongs of this life seem to me so +light, that it is not possible to feel them, because I imagine myself +to be dreaming, and see that all this will be nothing when +I awake.</p> +<p><a name="r2.5">5</a>. God is giving me more earnest desires, a +greater love of solitude, a much greater detachment, as I said, with +the visions; by these He has made me know what all that is, even if I +gave up all the friends I have, both men and women and kindred. This +is the least part of it: my kindred are rather a very great weariness +to me; I leave them in all freedom and joy, provided it be to render +the least service unto God; and thus on every side I find peace.</p> +<p><a name="r2.6">6</a>. Certain things, about which I have been +warned in prayer, have been perfectly verified. Thus, considering the +graces received from God, I find myself very much better; but, +considering my service to Him in return, I am exceedingly worthless, +for I have received greater consolation than I have given, though +sometimes that gives me grievous pain. My penance is very scanty, the +respect shown me great, much against my own will very +often. [<a href="#r2note3">3</a>] However in a word, I see that I live +an easy, not a penitential, life; God help me, as He can!</p> +<p><a name="r2.7">7</a>. It is now nine months, more or less, since I +wrote this with mine own hand; since then I have not turned my back on +the graces which God has given me; I think I have received, so far as +I can see, a much greater liberty of late. Hitherto I thought I had +need of others, and I had more reliance on worldly helps. Now I +clearly understand that all men are bunches of dried rosemary, and +that there is no safety in leaning on them, for if they are pressed by +contradictions or evil speaking they break down. And so I know by +experience that the only way not to fall is to cling to the cross, and +put our trust in Him who was nailed thereto. I find Him a real +Friend, and with Him I find myself endowed with such might that, God +never failing me, I think I should be able to withstand the whole +world if it were against me.</p> +<p><a name="r2.8">8</a>. Having a clear knowledge of this truth, I +used to be very fond of being loved by others; now I do not care for +that, yea, rather, their love seems to weary me in some measure, +excepting theirs who take care of my soul, or theirs to whom I think I +do good. Of the former I wish to be loved, in order that they may +bear with me; and of the latter, that they may be more inclined to +believe me when I tell them that all is vanity.</p> +<p><a name="r2.9">9</a>. In the very grievous trials, persecutions, +and contradictions of these months, [<a href="#r2note4">4</a>] God gave +me great courage; and the more grievous they were, the greater the +courage, without weariness in suffering. Not only had I no +ill-feeling against those who spoke evil of me, but I had, I believe, +conceived a deeper affection for them. I know not how it was; +certainly it was a gift from the hand of our Lord.</p> +<p><a name="r2.10">10</a>. When I desire anything, I am accustomed +naturally to desire it with some vehemence; now my desires are so +calm, that I do not even feel that I am pleased when I see them +fulfilled. Sorrow and joy, excepting in that which relates to prayer, +are so moderated, that I seem to be without sense, and in that state I +remain for some days.</p> +<p><a name="r2.11">11</a>. The vehement longings to do penance which +come, and have come, upon me are great; and if I do any penance, I +feel it to be so slight in comparison with that longing, that I regard +it sometimes, and almost always, as a special consolation; however, I +do but little, because of my great weakness.</p> +<p><a name="r2.12">12</a>. It is a very great pain to me very often, +and at this moment most grievous, that I must take food, particularly +if I am in prayer. It must be very great, for it makes me weep much, +and speak the language of affliction, almost without being aware of +it, and that is what I am not in the habit of doing, for I do not +remember that I ever did so in the very heaviest trials of my life: I +am not a woman in these things, for I have a hard heart.</p> +<p><a name="r2.13">13</a>. I feel in myself a very earnest desire, +more so than usual, that God may find those who will serve Him, +particularly learned men, in all detachment, and who will not cleave +to anything of this world, for I see it is all a mockery; for when I +see the great needs of the Church, I look upon it as a mockery to be +distressed about aught else. I do nothing but pray to God for such +men, because I see that one person, who is wholly perfect in the true +fervour of the love of God, will do more good than many who +are lukewarm.</p> +<p><a name="r2.14">14</a>. In matters concerning the faith, my courage +seems to me much greater. I think I could go forth alone by myself +against the Lutherans, and convince them of their errors. I feel very +keenly the loss of so many souls. I see many persons making great +progress; I see clearly it was the pleasure of God that such progress +should have been helped by me; and I perceive that my soul, of His +goodness, grows daily more and more in His love.</p> +<p><a name="r2.15">15</a>. I think I could not be led away by +vainglory, even if I seriously tried, and I do not see how I could +imagine any one of my virtues to be mine, for it is not long since I +was for many years without any at all; and now so far as I am +concerned, I do nothing but receive graces, without rendering any +service in return, being the most worthless creature in the world. +And so it is that I consider at times how all, except myself, make +progress; I am good for nothing in myself. This is not humility only, +but the simple truth; and the knowledge of my being so worthless makes +me sometimes think with fear that I must be under some delusion. Thus +I see clearly that all my gain has come through the revelations and +the raptures, in which I am nothing myself, and do no more to effect +them than the canvas does for the picture painted on it. This makes +me feel secure and be at rest; and I place myself in the hands of God, +and trust my desires; for I know for certain that my desires are to +die for Him, and to lose all ease, and that whatever may happen.</p> +<p><a name="r2.16">16</a>. There are days wherein I remember times +without number the words of <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Paul, [<a href="#r2note5">5</a>]--though +certainly they are not true of me,--that I have neither life, nor +speech, nor will of my own, but that there is One in me by whom I am +directed and made strong; and I am, as it were, beside myself, and +thus life is a very grievous burden to me. And the greatest oblation I +make to God, as the highest service on my part, is that I, when I feel +it so painfully to be absent from Him, am willing to live on for the +love of Him. I would have my life also full of great tribulations and +persecutions; now that I am unprofitable, I should like to suffer; and +I would endure all the tribulations in the world to gain ever so +little more merit--I mean, by a more perfect doing of His will.</p> +<p><a name="r2.17">17</a>. Everything that I have learnt in prayer, +though it may be two years previously, I have seen fulfilled. What I +see and understand of the grandeurs of God, and of the way He has +shown them, is so high, that I scarcely ever begin to think of them +but my understanding fails me,--for I am as one that sees things far +higher than I can understand,--and I become recollected.</p> +<p><a name="r2.18">18</a>. God so keeps me from offending Him, that I +am verily amazed at times. I think I discern the great care He takes +of me, without my taking scarcely any care at all, being as I was, +before these things happened to me, a sea of wickedness and sins, and +without a thought that I was mistress enough of myself to leave them +undone. And the reason why I would have this known is that the great +power of God might be made manifest. Unto Him be praise for ever and +ever! Amen.</p> +<p>Jesus.</p> +<p>This Relation here set forth, not in my handwriting, is one that I +gave to my confessor, and which he with his own hand copied, without +adding or diminishing a word. He was a most spiritual man and a +theologian: I discussed the state of my soul with him, and he with +other learned men, among whom was Father +Mancio. [<a href="#r2note6">6</a>] They found nothing in it that is +not in perfect agreement with the holy writings. This makes me calm +now, though, while God is leading me by this way, I feel that it is +necessary for me to put no trust whatever in myself. And so I have +always done, though it is painful enough. You, my father, will be +careful that all this goes under the seal of confession, according to +my request.</p> +<hr title="Notes"> +<p><small><a name="r2note1">1</a>. Addressed, it is believed, to her +confessor, F. Pedro Ibañez. This Relation corresponds with <a +href="#l34.0">ch. xxxiv. of the <cite>Life</cite></a> (<cite>De +la Fuente</cite>).</small></p> +<p><small><a name="r2note2">2</a>. See <a +href="#l27.0"><cite>Life</cite>, ch. xxvii</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="r2note3">3</a>. See <a +href="#l31.15"><cite>Life</cite>, ch. xxxi. +§ 15</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="r2note4">4</a>. The Saint is supposed to refer to +the troubles she endured during the foundation of the monastery of +<abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Joseph.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="r2note5">5</a>. Gal. ii. 20: <span +lang="la">"Vivo autem, jam non ego; vivit vero in +me Christus."</span></small></p> +<p><small><a name="r2note6">6</a>. A celebrated Dominican, professor +of theology in Salamanca (<cite>Bouix</cite>).</small></p> +<hr title="Text"> +<h3><a name="r3.0">Relation III.</a></h3> +<p><big>Of Various Graces Granted to the Saint from the Year 1568 to +1571 Inclusive.</big></p> +<p><a name="r3.1">1</a>. When I was in the monastery of Toledo, and +some people were advising me not to allow any but noble persons to be +buried there, [<a href="#r3note1">1</a>] our Lord said to me: "Thou +wilt be very inconsistent, My daughter, if thou regardest the laws of +the world. Look at Me, poor and despised of men: are the great people +of the world likely to be great in My eyes? or is it descent or virtue +that is to make you esteemed?"</p> +<p><a name="r3.2">2</a>. After Communion, the second day of Lent, in +<abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Joseph of Malagon, our Lord Jesus +Christ appeared to me in an imaginary vision, as He is I wont to do; +and when I was looking upon Him I saw that He had on His head, instead +of the crown of thorns, a crown of great splendour, over the part +where the wounds of that crown must have been. And as I have a great +devotion to the crowning with thorns, I was exceedingly consoled, and +began to think how great the pain must have been because of the many +wounds, and to be sorrowful. Our Lord told me not to be sad because +of those wounds, but for the many wounds which men inflict upon Him +now. I asked Him what I could do by way of reparation; for I was +resolved to do anything. He replied: "This is not the time for +rest;" that I must hasten on the foundations, for He would take +His rest with the souls which entered the monasteries; that I must +admit all who offered themselves, because there were many souls that +did not serve Him because they had no place wherein to do it; that +those monasteries which were to be founded in small towns should be +like this; that the merit of those in them would be as great, if they +only desired to do that which was done in the other houses; that I +must contrive to put them all under the jurisdiction of one +superior, [<a href="#r3note2">2</a>] and take care that anxieties +about means of bodily maintenance did not destroy interior peace, for +He would help us, so that we should never be in want of food. +Especial care was to be had of the sick sisters; the prioress who did +not provide for and comfort the sick was like the friends of Job: He +sent them sickness for the good of their souls, and careless superiors +risked the patience of their nuns. I was to write the history of the +foundation of the monasteries. I was thinking how there was nothing +to write about in reference to the foundation of Medina, when He asked +me, what more did I want to see than that the foundation there was +miraculous? By this He meant to say that He alone had done it, when +it seemed impossible. [<a href="#r3note3">3</a>] I resolved to +execute His commands.</p> +<p><a name="r3.3">3</a>. Our Lord told me something I was to tell +another, and as I was considering how I did not understand it at +all,--though I prayed to Him, and was thinking it might be from +Satan,--He said to me that it was not, and that He Himself would warn +me when the time came.</p> +<p><a name="r3.4">4</a>. Once, when I was thinking how much more +purely they live who withdraw themselves from all business, and how +ill it goes with me, and how many faults I must be guilty of, when I +have business to transact, I heard this: "It cannot be otherwise, +My daughter; but strive thou always after a good intention in all +things, and detachment; lift up thine eyes to Me, and see that all +thine actions may resemble Mine."</p> +<p><a name="r3.5">5</a>. Thinking how it was that I scarcely ever fell +into a trance of late in public, I heard this: "It is not +necessary now; thou art sufficiently esteemed for My purpose; we are +considering the weakness of the wicked."</p> +<p><a name="r3.6">6</a>. One Tuesday after the +Ascension, [<a href="#r3note4">4</a>] having prayed for awhile after +Communion in great distress, because I was so distracted that I could +fix my mind on nothing, I complained of our poor nature to our Lord. +The fire began to kindle in my soul, and I saw, as it seemed to me, +the most Holy Trinity [<a href="#r3note5">5</a>] distinctly present in +an intellectual vision, whereby my soul understood through a certain +representation, as a figure of the truth, so far as my dulness could +understand, how God is Three and One; and thus it seemed to me that +all the Three Persons spoke to me, that They were distinctly present +in my soul, saying unto me "that from that day forth I should see +that my soul had grown better in three ways, and that each one of the +Three Persons had bestowed on me a distinct grace,--in charity, in +suffering joyfully, in a sense of that charity in my soul, accompanied +with fervour." I learnt the meaning of those words of our Lord, +that the Three Divine Persons will dwell in the soul that is in a +state of grace. [<a href="#r3note6">6</a>] Afterwards giving thanks +to our Lord for so great a mercy, and finding myself utterly unworthy +of it, I asked His Majesty with great earnestness how it was that He, +after showing such mercies to me, let me go out of His hand, and +allowed me to become so wicked; for on the previous day I had been in +great distress on account of my sins, which I had set before me. I +saw clearly then how much our Lord on His part had done, ever since my +infancy, to draw me to Himself by means most effectual, and yet, that +all had failed. Then I had a clear perception of the surpassing love +of God for us, in that He forgives us all this when we turn to Him, +and for me more than for any other, for many reasons. The vision of +the Three Divine Persons--one God--made so profound an impression on +my soul, that if it had continued it would have been impossible for me +not to be recollected in so divine a company. What I saw and heard +besides is beyond my power to describe.</p> +<p><a name="r3.7">7</a>. Once, when I was about to communicate,--it +was shortly before I had this vision,--the Host being still in the +ciborium, for It had not yet been given me, I saw something like a +dove, which moved its wings with a sound. It disturbed me so much, +and so carried me away out of myself, that it was with the utmost +difficulty I received the Host. All this took place in <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Joseph of Avila. It was Father Francis +Salcedo who was giving me the most Holy Sacrament. Hearing Mass +another day, I saw our Lord glorious in the Host; He said to me that +his sacrifice was acceptable unto Him.</p> +<p><a name="r3.8">8</a>. I heard this once: "The time will come +when many miracles will be wrought in this church; it will be called +the holy church." It was in <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Joseph +of Avila, in the year 1571.</p> +<p><a name="r3.9">9</a>. I retain to this day, which is the +Commemoration of <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Paul, the presence of +the Three Persons of which I spoke in the +beginning; [<a href="#r3note7">7</a>] they are present almost +continually in my soul. I, being accustomed to the presence of Jesus +Christ only, always thought that the vision of the Three Persons was +in some degree a hindrance, though I know the Three Persons are but +One God. To-day, while thinking of this, our Lord said to me +"that I was wrong in imagining that those things which are +peculiar to the soul can be represented by those of the body; I was to +understand that they were very different, and that the soul had a +capacity for great fruition." It seemed to me as if this were +shown to me thus: as water penetrates and is drunk in by the sponge, +so, it seemed to me, did the Divinity fill my soul, which in a certain +sense had the fruition and possession of the Three Persons. And I +heard Him say also: "Labour thou not to hold Me within thyself +enclosed, but enclose thou thyself within Me." It seemed to me +that I saw the Three Persons within my soul, and communicating +Themselves to all creatures abundantly without ceasing to be +with me.</p> +<p><a name="r3.10">10</a>. A few days after this, thinking whether +they were right who disapproved of my going out to make new +foundations, and whether it would not be better for me if I occupied +myself always with prayer, I heard this: "During this life, the +true gain consists not in striving after greater joy in Me, but in +doing My will." It seemed to me, considering what <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Paul says about women, how they should stay +at home, [<a href="#r3note8">8</a>]--people reminded me lately of +this, and, indeed, I had heard it before,--it might be the will of God +I should do so too. He said to me: "Tell them they are not to +follow one part of the Scripture by itself, without looking to the +other parts also; perhaps, if they could, they would like to tie +My hands."</p> +<p><a name="r3.11">11</a>. One day after the octave of the Visitation, +in one of the hermitages of Mount Carmel, praying to God for one of my +brothers, I said to our Lord,--I do not know whether it was only in +thought or not, for my brother was in a place where his salvation was +in peril,--"If I saw one of Thy brethren, O Lord, in this danger, +what would I not do to help him!" It seemed to me there was +nothing that I could do which I would not have done. Our Lord said to +me: "O daughter, daughter! the nuns of the Incarnation are thy +sisters, and thou holdest back. Take courage, then. Behold, this is +what I would have thee do: it is not so difficult as it seems; and +though it seems to thee that by going thither thy foundations will be +ruined, yet it is by thy going that both these and the monastery of +the Incarnation will gain; resist not, for My power +is great." [<a href="#r3note9">9</a>]</p> +<p><a name="r3.12">12</a>. Once, when thinking of the great penance +practised by Doña Catalina de Cardona, [<a href="#r3note10">10</a>] and +how I might have done more, considering the desires which our Lord had +given me at times, if it had not been for my obedience to my +confessors, I asked myself whether it would not be as well if I +disobeyed them for the future in this matter. Our Lord said to me: +"No, My daughter; thou art on the sound and safe road. Seest thou +all her penance? I think more of thy obedience."</p> +<p><a name="r3.13">13</a>. Once, when I was in prayer, He showed me by +a certain kind of intellectual vision the condition of a soul in a +state of grace: in its company I saw by intellectual vision the most +Holy Trinity, from whose companionship the soul derived a power which +was a dominion over the whole earth. I understood the meaning of +those words in the Canticle: "Let my Beloved come into His garden +and eat." [<a href="#r3note11">11</a>] He showed me also the +condition of a soul in sin, utterly powerless, like a person tied and +bound and blindfold, who, though anxious to see, yet cannot, being +unable to walk or to hear, and in grievous obscurity. I was so +exceedingly sorry for such souls, that, to deliver only one, any +trouble seemed to me light. I thought it impossible for any one who +saw this as I saw it,--and I can hardly explain it,--willingly to +forfeit so great a good or continue in so evil a state.</p> +<p><a name="r3.14">14</a>. One day, in very great distress about the +state of the Order, and casting about for means to succour it, our +Lord said to me: "Do thou what is in thy power, and leave Me to +Myself, and be not disquieted by anything; rejoice in the blessing +thou hast received, for it is a very great one. My Father is pleased +with thee, and the Holy Ghost loves thee."</p> +<p><a name="r3.15">15</a>. "Thou art ever desiring trials, and, on +the other hand, declining them. I order things according to what I +know thy will is, and not according to thy sensuality and weakness. +Be strong, for thou seest how I help thee; I have wished thee to gain +this crown. Thou shalt see the Order of the Virgin greatly advanced in +thy days." I heard this from our Lord about the middle of +February, 1571.</p> +<p><a name="r3.16">16</a>. On the eve of <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Sebastian, the first year of my being in the +monastery of the Incarnation [<a href="#r3note12">12</a>] as prioress +there, at the beginning of the <i lang="la">Salve</i>, I saw the +Mother of God descend with a multitude of angels to the stall of the +prioress, where the image of our Lady is, and sit there herself. I +think I did not see the image then, but only our Lady. She seemed to +be like that picture of her which the +Countess [<a href="#r3note13">13</a>] gave me; but I had no time to +ascertain this, because I fell at once into a trance. Multitudes of +angels seemed to me to be above the canopies of the stalls, and on the +desks in front of them; but I saw no bodily forms, for the vision was +intellectual. She remained there during the <i lang="la">Salve</i>, +and said to me: "Thou hast done well to place me here; I will be +present when the sisters sing the praises of my Son, and will offer +them to Him." After this I remained in that prayer which I still +practise, and which is that of keeping my soul in the company of the +most Holy Trinity; and it seemed to me that the Person of the Father +drew me to Himself, and spoke to me most comfortable words. Among +them were these, while showing how He loved me: "I give thee My +Son, and the Holy Ghost, and the Virgin: what canst thou +give Me?" [<a href="#r3note14">14</a>]</p> +<p><a name="r3.17">17</a>. On the octave of the Holy Ghost, our Lord +was gracious unto me, and gave me hopes of this +house, [<a href="#r3note15">15</a>] that it would go on +improving--I mean the souls that are in it.</p> +<p><a name="r3.18">18</a>. On the feast of the Magdalene, our Lord +again confirmed a grace I had received in Toledo, electing me, in the +absence of a certain person, in her place.</p> +<p><a name="r3.19">19</a>. In the monastery of the Incarnation, and in +the second year of my being prioress there, on the octave of <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Martin, when I was going to Communion, the +Father, Fr. John of the Cross, [<a href="#r3note16">16</a>]--divided +the Host between me and another sister. I thought it was done, not +because there was any want of Hosts, but that he wished to mortify me +because I had told him how much I delighted in Hosts of a large size. +Yet I was not ignorant that the size of the Host is of no moment; for +I knew that our Lord is whole and entire in the smallest particle. +His Majesty said to me: "Have no fear, My daughter; for no one +will be able to separate thee from Me,"--giving me to understand +that the size of the Host mattered not.</p> +<p><a name="r3.20">20</a>. Then appearing to me, as on other +occasions, in an imaginary vision, most interiorly, He held out His +right hand and said: "Behold this nail! it is the pledge of thy +being My bride from this day forth. Until now thou hadst not merited +it; from henceforth thou shalt regard My honour, not only as of one +who is Thy Creator, King, and God, but as thine, My veritable bride; +My honour is thine, and thine is Mine." This grace had such an +effect on me, that I could not contain myself: I became as one that is +foolish, and said to our Lord: "Either ennoble my vileness or +cease to bestow such mercies on me, for certainly I do not think that +nature can bear them." I remained thus the whole day, as one +utterly beside herself. Afterwards I became conscious of great +progress, and greater shame and distress to see that I did nothing in +return for graces so great.</p> +<p><a name="r3.21">21</a>. Our Lord said this to me one day: +"Thinkest thou, My daughter, that meriting lies in fruition? No; +merit lies only in doing, in suffering, and in loving. You never +heard that <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Paul had the fruition of +heavenly joys more than once; while he was often in +sufferings. [<a href="#r3note17">17</a>] Thou seest how My whole life +was full of dolors, and only on Mount Tabor hast thou heard of Me in +glory. [<a href="#r3note18">18</a>] Do not suppose, when thou seest +My Mother hold Me in her arms, that she had that joy unmixed with +heavy sorrows. From the time that Simeon spoke to her, My Father made +her see in clear light all I had to suffer. The grand Saints of the +desert, as they were led by God, so also did they undergo heavy +penances; besides, they waged serious war with the devil and with +themselves, and much of their time passed away without any spiritual +consolation whatever. Believe Me, My daughter, his trials are the +heaviest whom My Father loves most; trials are the measure of His +love. How can I show My love for thee better than by desiring for +thee what I desired for Myself? Consider My wounds; thy pains will +never reach to them. This is the way of truth; thus shalt thou help +Me to weep over the ruin of those who are in the world, for thou +knowest how all their desires, anxieties, and thoughts tend the other +way." When I began my prayer that day, my headache was so violent +that I thought I could not possibly go on. Our Lord said to me: +"Behold now, the reward of suffering. As thou, on account of thy +health, wert unable to speak to Me, I spoke to thee and comforted +thee." Certainly, so it was; for the time of my recollection +lasted about an hour and a half, more or less. It was then that He +spoke to me the words I have just related, together with all the +others. I was not able to distract myself, neither knew I where I +was; my joy was so great as to be indescribable; my headache was gone, +and I was amazed, and I had a longing for suffering. He also told me +to keep in mind the words He said to His Apostles: "The servant is +not greater than his Lord." [<a href="#r3note19">19</a>]</p> +<hr title="Notes"> +<p><small><a name="r3note1">1</a>. Alonzo Ramirez wished to have the +right of burial in the new monastery, but the nobles of Toledo looked +on his request as unreasonable. See <cite>Foundations</cite>, +chs. xv. and xvi.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="r3note2">2</a>. See <cite>Way of Perfection</cite>, +ch. viii.; but ch. v. of the previous editions.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="r3note3">3</a>. See <cite>Book of the +Foundations</cite>, ch. iii.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="r3note4">4</a>. In the copy kept in Toledo, the day +is Tuesday after the Assumption (<cite>De +la Fuente</cite>).</small></p> +<p><small><a name="r3note5">5</a>. <a href="#l27.10">Ch. +xxvii. § 10</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="r3note6">6</a>. <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> John +xiv. 23: <span lang="la">"Ad eum veniemus, et mansionem apud +eum faciemus."</span></small></p> +<p><small><a name="r3note7">7</a>. See <a +href="#r3.6">§ 6</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="r3note8">8</a>. Titus ii. 5: <span +lang="la">"Sobrias, domus curam habentes."</span></small></p> +<p><small><a name="r3note9">9</a>. This took place in 1571, when the +Saint had been appointed prioress of the monastery of the Incarnation +at Avila; the very house she had left in order to found that of <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Joseph, to keep the rule in +its integrity.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="r3note10">10</a>. See <cite>Book of the +Foundations</cite>, ch. xxviii.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="r3note11">11</a>. Cant. v. 1: <span +lang="la">"Veniat dilectus meus in hortum suum, +et comedat."</span></small></p> +<p><small><a name="r3note12">12</a>. A.D. 1572.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="r3note13">13</a>. Maria de Velasco y Aragon, +Countess of Osorno (<cite>Ribera</cite>, lib. iii. c. 1).</small></p> +<p><small><a name="r3note14">14</a>. See <a +href="#r4.2"><cite>Relation</cite> iv. § 2</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="r3note15">15</a>. The monastery of the Incarnation, +Avila (<cite>De la Fuente</cite>).</small></p> +<p><small><a name="r3note16">16</a>. <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> +John of the Cross, at the instance of the Saint, was sent to Avila, +with another father of the reformed Carmelites, to be confessor of the +nuns of the Incarnation, who then disliked the observance of the +primitive rule.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="r3note17">17</a>. 2 Cor. xi. 27: <span +lang="la">"In labore et ærumna, in +vigiliis multis."</span></small></p> +<p><small><a name="r3note18">18</a>. <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> +Matt. xvii. 2: <span lang="la">"Et transfiguratus est +ante eos."</span></small></p> +<p><small><a name="r3note19">19</a>. <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> +John xiii. 16: <span lang="la">"Non est servus major +domino suo."</span></small></p> +<hr title="Text"> +<h3><a name="r4.0">Relation IV.</a></h3> +<p><big>Of the Graces the Saint Received in Salamanca at the End of +Lent, 1571.</big></p> +<p><a name="r4.1">1</a>. I found myself the whole of yesterday in +great desolation, and, except at Communion, did not feel that it was +the day of the Resurrection. Last night, being with the community, I +heard one [<a href="#r4note1">1</a>] of them singing how hard it is to +be living away from God. As I was then suffering, the effect of that +singing on me was such that a numbness began in my hands, and no +efforts of mine could hinder it; but as I go out of myself in raptures +of joy, so then my soul was thrown into a trance through the excessive +pain, and remained entranced; and until this day I had not felt this. +A few days previously I thought that the vehement impulses were not so +great as they used to be, and now it seems to be that the reason is +what I have described; I know not if it is so. Hitherto the pain had +not gone so far as to make me beside myself; and as it is so +unendurable, and as I retained the control of my senses, it made me +utter loud cries beyond my power to restrain. Now that it has grown, +it has reached this point of piercing me; and I understand more of +that piercing which our Lady suffered; for until to-day, as I have +just said, I never knew what that piercing was. My body was so +bruised, that I suffer even now when I am writing this; for my hands +are as if the joints were loosed, and in +pain. [<a href="#r4note2">2</a>] You, my father, will tell me when +you see me whether this trance be the effect of suffering, or whether +I felt it, or whether I am deceived.</p> +<p><a name="r4.2">2</a>. I was in this great pain till this morning; +and, being in prayer, I fell into a profound trance; and it seemed to +me that our Lord had taken me up in spirit to His Father, and said to +Him: "Whom Thou hast given to Me, I give to +Thee;" [<a href="#r4note3">3</a>] and He seemed to draw me near to +Himself. This is not an imaginary vision, but one most certain, and +so spiritually subtile that it cannot be explained. He spoke certain +words to me which I do not remember. Some of them referred to His +grace, which He bestows on me. He kept me by Him for some time.</p> +<p><a name="r4.3">3</a>. As you, my father, went away yesterday so +soon, and I consider the many affairs which detain you, so that it is +impossible for me to have recourse to you for comfort even when +necessary,--for I see that your occupations are most urgent,--I was +for some time in pain and sadness. As I was then in desolation,--as I +said before,--that helped me; and as nothing on earth, I thought, had +any attractions for me, I had a scruple, and feared I was beginning to +lose that liberty. This took place last night; and to-day our Lord +answered my doubt, and said to me "that I was not to be surprised; +for as men seek for companions with whom they may speak of their +sensual satisfactions, so the soul--when there is any one who +understands it--seeks those to whom it may communicate its pleasures +and its pains, and is sad and mourns when it can find none." He +said to me: "Thou art prosperous now, and thy works please +Me." As He remained with me for some time, I remembered that I +had told you, my father, that these visions pass quickly away; He said +to me "that there was a difference between these and the imaginary +visions, and that there could not be an invariable law concerning the +graces He bestowed on us; for it was expedient to give them now in one +way, now in another."</p> +<p><a name="r4.4">4</a>. After Communion, I saw our Lord most +distinctly close beside me; and He began to comfort me with great +sweetness, and said to me, among other things: "Thou beholdest Me +present, My daughter,--it is I. Show me thy hands." And to me He +seemed to take them and to put them to His side, and said: "Behold +My wounds; thou art not without Me. Finish the short course of thy +life." By some things He said to me, I understood that, after His +Ascension, He never came down to the earth except in the most Holy +Sacrament to communicate Himself to any one. He said to me, that when +He rose again He showed Himself to our Lady, because she was in great +trouble; for sorrow had so pierced her soul that she did not even +recover herself at once in order to have the fruition of that joy. By +this I saw how different was my piercing. [<a href="#r4note4">4</a>] +But what must that of the Virgin have been? He remained long with her +then because it was necessary to console her.</p> +<p><a name="r4.5">5</a>. On Palm Sunday, at Communion, I was in a deep +trance,--so much so, that I was not able even to swallow the Host; +and, still having It in my mouth, when I had come a little to myself, +I verily believed that my mouth was all filled with Blood; and my face +and my whole body seemed to be covered with It, as if our Lord had +been shedding It at that moment. I thought It was warm, and the +sweetness I then felt was exceedingly great; and our Lord said to me: +"Daughter, My will is that My Blood should profit thee; and be not +thou afraid that My compassion will fail thee. I shed It in much +suffering, and, as thou seest, thou hast the fruition of It in great +joy. I reward thee well for the pleasure thou gavest me to-day." +He said this because I have been in the habit of going to Communion, +if possible, on this day for more than thirty years, and of labouring +to prepare my soul to be the host of our Lord; for I considered the +cruelty of the Jews to be very great, after giving Him so grand a +reception, in letting Him go so far for supper; and I used to picture +Him as remaining with me, and truly in a poor lodging, as I see now. +And thus I used to have such foolish thoughts--they must have been +acceptable to our Lord, for this was one of the visions which I regard +as most certain; and, accordingly it has been a great blessing to me +in the matter of Communion.</p> +<p><a name="r4.6">6</a>. Previous to this, I had been, I believe, for +three days in that great pain, which I feel sometimes more than at +others, because I am away from God; and during those days it had been +very great, and seemingly more than I could bear. Being thus +exceedingly wearied by it, I saw it was late to take my collation, nor +could I do so,--for if I do not take it a little earlier, it occasions +great weakness because of my sickness; and then, doing violence to +myself, I took up some bread to prepare for collation, and on the +instant Christ appeared, and seemed to be breaking the bread and +putting it into my mouth. He said to me: "Eat, My daughter, and +bear it as well as thou canst. I condole with thee in thy suffering; +but it is good for thee now." My pain was gone, and I was +comforted; for He seemed to be really with me then, and the whole of +the next day; and with this my desires were then satisfied. The word +"condole" made me strong; for now I do not think I am +suffering at all.</p> +<hr title="Notes"> +<p><small><a name="r4note1">1</a>. Isabel of Jesus, born in Segovia, +and whose family name was Jimena, told Ribera (<i lang="la">vide</i> +lib. iv. c. v.) that she was the singer, being then a novice +in Salamanca.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="r4note2">2</a>. See <cite>Fortress of the +Soul</cite>, vi. ch. xi.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="r4note3">3</a>. See <a +href="#r3.16"><cite>Relation</cite>, iii. +§ 16</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="r4note4">4</a>. See above, <a +href="#r4.1">§ 1</a>.</small></p> +<hr title="Text"> +<h3><a name="r5.0">Relation V.</a></h3> +<p><big>Observations on Certain Points of Spirituality.</big></p> +<p><a name="r5.1">1</a>. "What is it that distresses thee, little +sinner? Am I not thy God? Dost thou not see how ill I am treated +here? If thou lovest Me, why art thou not sorry for Me? Daughter, +light is very different from darkness. I am faithful; no one will be +lost without knowing it. He must be deceiving himself who relies on +spiritual sweetnesses; the true safety lies in the witness of a good +conscience. [<a href="#r5note1">1</a>] But let no one think that of +himself he can abide in the light, any more than he can hinder the +natural night from coming on; for that depends on My grace. The best +means he can have for retaining the light is the conviction in his +soul that he can do nothing of himself, and that it comes from Me; +for, even if he were in the light, the instant I withdraw, night will +come. True humility is this: the soul's knowing what itself can do, +and what I can do. Do not neglect to write down the counsels I give +thee, that thou mayest not forget them. Thou seekest to have the +counsels of men in writing; why, then, thinkest thou that thou art +wasting time in writing down those I give thee? The time will come +when thou shalt require them all."</p> +<h4>On Union.</h4> +<p><a name="r5.2">2</a>. "Do not suppose, My daughter, that to be +near to Me is union; for they who sin against Me are near Me, though +they do not wish it. Nor is union the joys and comforts of +union, [<a href="#r5note2">2</a>] though they be of the very highest +kind, and though they come from Me. These very often are means of +winning souls, even if they are not in a state of grace." When I +heard this, I was in a high degree lifted up in spirit. Our Lord +showed me what the spirit was, and what the state of the soul was +then, and the meaning of those words of the Magnificat, "Exultavit +spiritus meus." He showed me that the spirit was the higher part +of the will.</p> +<p><a name="r5.3">3</a>. To return to union; I understood it to be a +spirit, pure and raised up above all the things of earth, with nothing +remaining in it that would swerve from the will of God, being a spirit +and a will resigned to His will, and in detachment from all things, +occupied in God in such a way as to leave no trace of any love of +self, or of any created thing whatever. [<a href="#r5note3">3</a>] +Thereupon, I considered that, if this be union, it comes to this, +that, as my soul is always abiding in this resolution, we can say of +it that it is always in this prayer of union: and yet it is true that +the union lasts but a very short time. It was suggested to me that, +as to living in justice, meriting and making progress, it will be so; +but it cannot be said that the soul is in union as it is when in +contemplation; and I thought I understood, yet not by words heard, +that the dust of our wretchedness, faults, and imperfections, wherein +we bury ourselves, is so great, that it is not possible to live in +such pureness as the spirit is in when in union with God, raised up +and out of our wretched misery. And I think, if it be union to have +our will and spirit in union with the will and Spirit of God, that it +is not possible for any one not in a state of grace to attain thereto; +and I have been told so. Accordingly, I believe it is very difficult +to know when the soul is in union; to have that knowledge is a special +grace of God, because nobody can tell whether he is in a state of +grace or not. [<a href="#r5note4">4</a>]</p> +<p><a name="r5.4">4</a>. You will show me in writing, my father, what +you think of this, and how I am in the wrong, and send me this +paper back.</p> +<p><a name="r5.5">5</a>. I had read in a book that it was an +imperfection to possess pictures well painted,--and I would not, +therefore, retain in my cell one that I had; and also, before I had +read this, I thought that it was poverty to possess none, except those +made of paper,--and, as I read this afterwards, I would not have any +of any other material. I learnt from our Lord, when I was not +thinking at all about this, what I am going to say: "that this +mortification was not right. Which is better, poverty or charity? +But as love was the better, whatever kindled love in me, that I must +not give up, nor take away from my nuns; for the book spoke of much +adorning and curious devices--not of +pictures. [<a href="#r5note5">5</a>] What Satan was doing among the +Lutherans was the taking away from them all those means by which their +love might be the more quickened; and thus they were going to +perdition. Those who are loyal to Me, My daughter, must now, more than +ever, do the very reverse of what they do." I understood that I +was under great obligations to serve our Lady and <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Joseph, because, when I was utterly lost, +God, through their prayers, came and saved me.</p> +<p><a name="r5.6">6</a>. One day, after the feast of <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Matthew, [<a href="#r5note6">6</a>] I was as +is usual with me, after seeing in a vision the most Holy Trinity, and +how It is present in a soul in a state of +grace. [<a href="#r5note7">7</a>] I understood the mystery most +clearly, in such a way that, after a certain fashion and comparisons, +I saw It in an imaginary vision. And though at other times I have +seen the most Holy Trinity in an intellectual vision, for some days +after the truth of it did not rest with me,--as it does now,--I mean, +so that I could dwell upon it. I see now that it is just as learned +men told me; and I did not understand it as I do now, though I +believed them without the least hesitation; for I never had any +temptations against the faith.</p> +<p><a name="r5.7">7</a>. It seems to us ignorant women that the +Persons of the most Holy Trinity are all Three, as we see Them +painted, in one Person, after the manner of those pictures, which +represent a body with three faces; and thus it causes such +astonishment in us that we look on it as impossible, and so there is +nobody who dares to think of it; for the understanding is perplexed, +is afraid it may come to doubt the truth, and that robs us of a +great blessing.</p> +<p><a name="r5.8">8</a>. What I have seen is this: Three distinct +Persons each one by Himself visible, and by Himself +speaking. [<a href="#r5note8">8</a>] And afterwards I have been +thinking that the Son alone took human flesh, whereby this truth is +known. The Persons love, communicate, and know Themselves. Then, if +each one is by Himself, how can we say that the Three are one Essence, +and so believe? That is a most deep truth, and I would die for it a +thousand times. In the Three Persons there is but one will and one +power and one might; neither can One be without Another: so that of +all created things there is but one sole Creator. Could the Son +create an ant without the Father? No; because the power is all one. +The same is to be said of the Holy Ghost. Thus, there is one God +Almighty, and the Three Persons are one Majesty. Is it possible to +love the Father without loving the Son and the Holy Ghost? No; for he +who shall please One of the Three pleases the Three Persons; and he +who shall offend One offends All. Can the Father be without the Son +and without the Holy Ghost? No; for They are one substance, and where +One is there are the Three; for they cannot be divided. How, then, is +it that we see the Three Persons distinct? and how is it that the Son, +not the Father, nor the Holy Ghost, took human flesh? This is what I +have never understood; theologians know it. I know well that the +Three were there when that marvellous work was done, and I do not busy +myself with much thinking thereon. All my thinking thereon comes at +once to this: that I see God is almighty, that He has done what He +would, and so can do what He will. The less I understand it, the more +I believe it, and the greater the devotion it excites in me. May He +be blessed for ever! Amen.</p> +<p><a name="r5.9">9</a>. If our Lord had not been so gracious with me +as He has been, I do not think I should have had the courage to do +what has been done, nor strength to undergo the labours endured, with +the contradictions and the opinions of men. And accordingly, since +the beginning of the foundations, I have lost the fears I formerly +had, thinking that I was under delusions,--and I had a conviction that +it was the work of God: having this, I ventured upon difficult things, +though always with advice and under obedience. I see in this that +when our Lord willed to make a beginning of the Order, and of His +mercy made use of me, His Majesty had to supply all that I was +deficient in, which was everything, in order that the work might be +effected, and that His greatness might be the more clearly revealed +in one so wicked.</p> +<p><a name="r5.10">10</a>. Antiochus was unendurable to himself, and +to those who were about him, because of the stench of his +many sins. [<a href="#r5note9">9</a>]</p> +<p><a name="r5.11">11</a>. Confession is for faults and sins, and not +for virtues, nor for anything of the kind relating to prayer. These +things are to be treated of out of confession with one who understands +the matter,--and let the prioress see to this; and the nun must +explain the straits she is in, in order that the proper helps may be +found for her; for Cassian says that he who does not know the fact, as +well as he who has never seen or learnt, that men can swim, will +think, when he sees people throw themselves into the river, that they +will all be drowned. [<a href="#r5note10">10</a>]</p> +<p><a name="r5.12">12</a>. Our Lord would have Joseph tell the vision +to his brethren, and have it known, though it was to cost Joseph +so much.</p> +<p><a name="r5.13">13</a>. How the soul has a sense of fear when God +is about to bestow any great grace upon it; that sense is the worship +of the spirit, as that of the four [<a href="#r5note11">11</a>] elders +spoken of in Scripture.</p> +<p><a name="r5.14">14</a>. How, when the faculties are suspended, it +is to be understood that certain matters are suggested to the soul, to +be by it recommended to God; that an angel suggests them, of whom it +is said in the Scriptures that he was burning incense and offering up +the prayers of the saints. [<a href="#r5note12">12</a>]</p> +<p><a name="r5.15">15</a>. How there are no sins where there is no +knowledge; and thus our Lord did not permit the king to sin with the +wife of Abraham, for he thought that she was his sister, not +his wife.</p> +<hr title="Notes"> +<p><small><a name="r5note1">1</a>. 2 Cor. i. 12: <span +lang="la">"Gloria nostra hæc est, testimonium +conscientiæ nostræ."</span></small></p> +<p><small><a name="r5note2">2</a>. See <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> +John of the Cross, <cite>Mount Carmel</cite>, +bk. ii. ch. v.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="r5note3">3</a>. See <cite>Foundations</cite>, ch. +v. § 10.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="r5note4">4</a>. Eccl. ix. 1: <span +lang="la">"Nescit homo utrum amore an odio +dignus sit."</span></small></p> +<p><small><a name="r5note5">5</a>. See <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> +John of the Cross, <cite>Mount Carmel</cite>, +bk. iii. ch. xxxiv.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="r5note6">6</a>. The §§ 6, 7, and 8 are the +thirteenth letter of the second volume, ed. Doblado.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="r5note7">7</a>. See <a +href="#r3.13"><cite>Relation</cite> iii. +§ 13</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="r5note8">8</a>. <abbr title="Antonio">Anton.</abbr> +a Sancto Joseph, in his notes on this passage, is anxious to save the +Thomist doctrine that one of the Divine Persons cannot be seen without +the other, and so he says that the Saint speaks of the Three Persons +as she saw Them--not as They are in Themselves.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="r5note9">9</a>. 2 Maccab. ix. 10, 12: <span +lang="la">"Eum nemo poterat propter intolerantiam foetoris +portare, . . . . nec ipse jam foetorem suum +ferre posset."</span></small></p> +<p><small><a name="r5note10">10</a>. Cassian, <cite +lang="la"><abbr title="Collationes">Collat.</abbr></cite> vii. cap. +iv. p. 311: <span lang="la">"Nec enim si quis ignarus natandi, +sciens pondus corporis sui ferre aquarum liquorem non posse, +experimento suæ voluerit imperitiæ definire, neminem penitus posse +liquidis elementis solida carne +circumdatum sustineri."</span></small></p> +<p><small><a name="r5note11">11</a>. <abbr +title="Antonio">Anton.</abbr> a Sancto Joseph says that the Saint +meant to write four-and-twenty, in allusion to Apoc. +iv. 4.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="r5note12">12</a>. Apoc. viii. 4.</small></p> +<hr title="Text"> +<h3><a name="r6.0">Relation VI.</a></h3> +<p><big>The Vow of Obedience to Father Gratian Which the Saint Made +in 1575.</big></p> +<p><a name="r6.1">1</a>. In the year 1575, in the month of April, when +I was founding the monastery of Veas, Fra Jerome of the Mother of God +Gratian happened to come thither. [<a href="#r6note1">1</a>] I began +to go to confession to him from time to time, though not looking upon +him as filling the place of the other confessors I had, so as to be +wholly directed by him. One day, when I was taking food, but without +any interior recollection whatever, my soul began to be recollected in +such a way that I thought I must fall into a trance; and I had a +vision, that passed away with the usual swiftness, like a meteor. I +seemed to see close beside me Jesus Christ our Lord, in the form +wherein His Majesty is wont to reveal Himself, with F. Gratian on His +right. Our Lord took his right hand and mine, and, joining them +together, said to me that He would have me accept him in His place for +my whole life, and that we were both to have one mind in all things, +for so it was fitting. I was profoundly convinced that this was the +work of God, though I remembered with regret two of my confessors whom +I frequented in turn for a long time, and to whom I owed much; that +one for whom I have a great affection especially caused a terrible +resistance. Nevertheless, not being able to persuade myself that the +vision was a delusion, because it had a great power and influence over +me, and also because it was said to me on two other occasions that I +was not to be afraid, that He wished this,--the words were +different,--I made up my mind at last to act upon them, understanding +it to be our Lord's will, and to follow that counsel so long as I +should live. I had never before so acted with any one, though I had +consulted many persons of great learning and holiness, and who watched +over my soul with great care,--but neither had I received any such +direction as that I should make no change; for as to my confessors, of +some I understood that they would be profitable to me, and so also +of these.</p> +<p><a name="r6.2">2</a>. When I had resolved on this, I found myself +in peace and comfort so great that I was amazed, and assured of our +Lord's will; for I do not think that Satan could fill the soul with +peace and comfort such as this: and so, whenever I think of it, I +praise our Lord, and remember the words, <span lang="la">"posuit +fines tuos pacem,"</span> [<a href="#r6note2">2</a>] and I wish I +could wear myself out in the praises of God.</p> +<p><a name="r6.3">3</a>. It must have been about a month after this my +resolve was made, on the second day after Pentecost, when I was going +to found the monastery in Seville, that we heard Mass in a hermitage +in Ecija, and rested there during the hottest part of the day. Those +who were with me remained in the hermitage while I was by myself in +the sacristy belonging to it. I began to think of one great grace +which I received of the Holy Ghost, on one of the vigils of His +feast, [<a href="#r6note3">3</a>] and a great desire arose within me +of doing Him some most special service, and I found nothing that was +not already done,--at least, resolved upon,--for all I do must be +faulty; and I remembered that, though I had already made a vow of +obedience, it might be made in greater perfection, and I had an +impression it would be pleasing unto Him if I promised that which I +was already resolved upon, to live under obedience to the +Father-Master, Fr. Jerome. On the other hand, I seemed to be doing +nothing, because I was already bent on doing it; on the other hand, it +would be a very serious thing, considering that our interior state is +not made known to the superiors who receive our vows, and that they +change, and that, if one is not doing his work well, another comes in +his place; and I believed I should have none of my liberty all my life +long, either outwardly or inwardly, and this constrained me greatly to +abstain from making the vow. This repugnance of the will made me +ashamed, and I saw that, now I had something I could do for God, I was +not doing it; it was a sad thing for my resolution to serve Him. The +fact is, that the objection so pressed me, that I do not think I ever +did anything in my life that was so hard--not even my +profession--unless it be that of my leaving my father's house to +become a nun. [<a href="#r6note4">4</a>] The reason of this was that +I had forgotten my affection for him, and his gifts for directing me; +yea, rather, I was looking on it then as a strange thing, which has +surprised me; feeling nothing but a great fear whether the vow would +be for the service of God or not: and my natural self--which is fond +of liberty--must have been doing its work, though for years now I have +no pleasure in it. But it seemed to me a far other matter to give up +that liberty by a vow, as in truth it is. After a protracted +struggle, our Lord gave me great confidence; and I saw it was the +better course, the more I felt about it: if I made this promise in +honour of the Holy Ghost, He would be bound to give him light for the +direction of my soul; and I remembered at the same time that our Lord +had given him to me as my guide. Thereupon I fell upon my knees, and, +to render this tribute of service to the Holy Ghost, made a promise to +do whatever he should bid me do while I lived, provided nothing were +required of me contrary to the law of God and the commands of +superiors whom I am more bound to obey. I adverted to this, that the +obligation did not extend to things of little importance,--as if I +were to be importunate with him about anything, and he bade me cease, +and I neglected his advice and repeated my request,--nor to things +relating to my convenience. In a word, his commands were not to be +about trifles, done without reflection; and I was not knowingly to +conceal from him my faults and sins, or my interior state; and this, +too, is more than we allow to superiors. In a word, I promised to +regard him as in the place of God, outwardly and inwardly. I know not +if it be so, but I seemed to have done a great thing in honour of the +Holy Ghost--at least, it was all I could do, and very little it was in +comparison with what I owe Him.</p> +<p><a name="r6.4">4</a>. I give God thanks, who has created one +capable of this work: I have the greatest confidence that His Majesty +will bestow on him great graces; and I myself am so happy and joyous, +that I seem to be in every way free from myself; and though I thought +that my obedience would be a burden, I have attained to the greatest +freedom. May our Lord be praised for ever!</p> +<hr title="Notes"> +<p><small><a name="r6note1">1</a>. See <cite>Foundations</cite>, +ch. xxii.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="r6note2">2</a>. Psalm cxlvii. 14: "He hath made +thy borders peace."</small></p> +<p><small><a name="r6note3">3</a>. Perhaps the Saint refers to what +she has written in her <a href="#l38.11"><cite>Life</cite>, +ch. xxxviii. §§ 11, 12</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="r6note4">4</a>. <a +href="#l4.1"><cite>Life</cite>, ch. iv. § 1</a>.</small></p> +<hr title="Text"> +<h3><a name="r7.0">Relation VII.</a></h3> +<p><big>Made for Rodrigo Alvarez, S.J., in the Year 1575, According to +Don Vicente de la Fuente; but in 1576, According to the Bollandists +and <abbr title="Father">F.</abbr> Bouix.</big></p> +<p><a name="r7.1">1</a>. This nun took the habit forty years ago, and +from the first began to reflect on the mysteries of the Passion of +Christ our Lord, and on her own sins, for some time every day, without +thinking at all of anything supernatural, but only of created things, +or of such subjects as suggested to her how soon the end of all things +must come, discerning in creatures the greatness of God and His love +for us.</p> +<p><a name="r7.2">2</a>. This made her much more willing to serve Him: +she was never under the influence of fear, and made no account of it, +but had always a great desire to see God honoured, and His glory +increased. To that end were all her prayers directed, without making +any for herself; for she thought that it mattered little if she had to +suffer in purgatory in exchange for the increase of His glory even in +the slightest degree.</p> +<p><a name="r7.3">3</a>. In this she spent about two-and-twenty years +in great aridities, and never did it enter into her thoughts to desire +anything else; for she regarded herself as one who, she thought, did +not deserve even to think about God, except that His Majesty was very +merciful to her in allowing her to remain in His presence, saying her +prayers, reading also in good books.</p> +<p><a name="r7.4">4</a>. It must be about eighteen years since she +began to arrange about the first monastery of Barefooted Carmelites +which she founded. It was in Avila, three or two years before,--I +believe it is three,--she began to think that she occasionally heard +interior locutions, and had visions and revelations interiorly. She +saw with the eyes of the soul, for she never saw anything with her +bodily eyes, nor heard anything with her bodily ears; twice, she +thinks, she heard a voice, but she understood not what was said. It +was a sort of making things present when she saw these things +interiorly; they passed away like a meteor most frequently. The +vision, however, remained so impressed on her mind, and produced such +effects, that it was as if she saw those things with her bodily eyes, +and more.</p> +<p><a name="r7.5">5</a>. She was then by nature so very timid, that +she would not dare to be alone even by day, at times. And as she +could not escape from these visitations, though she tried with all her +might, she went about in very great distress, afraid that it was a +delusion of Satan, and began to consult spiritual men of the Society +of Jesus about it, among whom were Father Araoz, who was Commissary of +the Society, and who happened to go to that place, and Father Francis, +who was Duke of Gandia,--him she consulted +twice; [<a href="#r7note1">1</a>] also a Provincial, now in Rome, +called Gil Gonzalez, and him also who is now Provincial of +Castille,--this latter, however, not so often,--Father Baltasar +Alvarez who is now Rector in Salamanca; and he heard her confession +for six years at this time; also the present Rector of Cuenca, Salazar +by name; the Rector of Segovia, called Santander; the Rector of +Burgos, whose name is Ripalda,--and he thought very ill of her when he +heard of these things, till after he had conversed with her; the +Doctor Paul Hernandez in Toledo, who was a Consultor of the +Inquisition, him who was Rector in Salamanca when she talked to him; +the Doctor Gutierrez, and other fathers, some of the Society, whom she +knew to be spiritual men, these she sought out, if any were in those +places where she went to found monasteries.</p> +<p><a name="r7.6">6</a>. With the Father Fra Peter of Alcantara, who +was a holy man of the Barefooted Friars of <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Francis, she had many communications, and he +it was who insisted so much upon it that her spirit should be regarded +as good. They were more than six years trying her spirit minutely, as +it is already described at very great +length, [<a href="#r7note2">2</a>] as will be shown hereafter: and she +herself in tears and deep affliction; for the more they tried her, the +more she fell into raptures, and into trances very often,--not, +however, deprived of her senses.</p> +<p><a name="r7.7">7</a>. Many prayers were made, and many Masses were +said, that our Lord would lead her by another +way, [<a href="#r7note3">3</a>] for her fear was very great when she +was not in prayer; though in everything relating to the state of her +soul she was very much better, and a great difference was visible, +there was no vainglory, nor had she any temptation thereto, nor to +pride; on the contrary, she was very much ashamed and confounded when +she saw that people knew of her state, and except with her confessors +or any one who would give her light, she never spoke of these things, +and it was more painful to speak of them than if they had been grave +sins; for it seemed to her that people must laugh at +her, [<a href="#r7note4">4</a>] and that these things were womanish +imaginations, which she had always heard of with disgust.</p> +<p><a name="r7.8">8</a>. About thirteen years ago, more or less, after +the house of <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Joseph was founded, into +which she had gone from the other monastery, came the present Bishop +of Salamanca, Inquisitor, I think, of Toledo, previously of Seville, +Soto by name. [<a href="#r7note5">5</a>] She contrived to have a +conference with him for her greater security, and told him everything. +He replied, that there was nothing in all this that concerned his +office, because everything that she saw and heard confirmed her the +more in the Catholic faith, in which she always was, and is, firm, +with most earnest desires for the honour of God and the good of souls, +willing to suffer death many times for one of them.</p> +<p><a name="r7.9">9</a>. He told her, when he saw how distressed she +was, to give an account of it all, and of her whole life, without +omitting anything, to the Master Avila, who was a man of great +learning in the way of prayer, and to rest content with the answer he +should give. She did so, and described her sins and her life. He +wrote to her and comforted her, giving her great security. The +account I gave was such that all those learned men who saw it--they +were my confessors--said that it was very profitable for instruction +in spiritual things; and they commanded her to make copies of it, and +write another little book [<a href="#r7note6">6</a>] for her +daughters,--she was prioress,--wherein she might give them +some instructions.</p> +<p><a name="r7.10">10</a>. Notwithstanding all this, she was not +without fears at times, for she thought that spiritual men also might +be deceived like herself. She told her confessor that he might +discuss these things with certain learned men, though they were not +much given to prayer, for she had no other desire but that of knowing +whether what she experienced was in conformity with the sacred +writings or not. Now and then she took comfort in thinking +that--though she herself, because of her sins, deserved to fall into +delusions--our Lord would not suffer so many good men, anxious to give +her light, to be led into error.</p> +<p><a name="r7.11">11</a>. Having this in view, she began to +communicate with fathers of the Order of the glorious <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Dominic, to which, before these things took +place, she had been to confession--she does not say to them, but to +the Order. [<a href="#r7note7">7</a>] These are they with whom she +afterwards had relations. The Father Fra Vicente Barron, at that time +Consultor of the Holy Office, heard her confessions for eighteen +months in Toledo, and he had done so very many years before these +things began. He was a very learned man. He reassured her greatly, +as did also the fathers of the Society spoken of before. All used to +say, If she does not sin against God, and acknowledges her own misery, +what has she to be afraid of? She confessed to the Father Fra Pedro +Ibañez, who was reader in Avila; to the Father-Master Fra Dominic +Bañes, who is now in Valladolid as rector of the college of <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Gregory, I confessed for six years, and +whenever I had occasion to do so communicated with him by letter; also +to the Master Chaves; to the Father-Master Fra Bartholomew of Medina, +professor in Salamanca, of whom she knew that he thought ill of her; +for she, having heard this, thought that he, better than any other, +could tell her if she was deceived, because he had so little +confidence in her. This was more than two years ago. She contrived +to go to confession to him, and gave him a full account of everything +while she remained there; and he saw what she had +written, [<a href="#r7note8">8</a>] for the purpose of attaining to a +better understanding of the matter. He reassured her so much, and +more than all the rest, and remained her very good friend.</p> +<p><a name="r7.12">12</a>. She went to confession also to Fra Philip +de Meneses, when she founded the monastery of Valladolid, for he was +rector of the college of <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Gregory. He, +having before that heard of her state, had gone to Avila, that he +might speak to her,--it was an act of great charity,--being desirous +of ascertaining whether she was deluded, so that he might enlighten +her, and, if she was not, defend her when he heard her spoken against; +and he was much satisfied.</p> +<p><a name="r7.13">13</a>. She also conferred particularly with +Salinas, Dominican Provincial, a man of great spirituality; with +another licentiate named Lunar, who was prior of <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Thomas of Avila; and, in Segovia, with a +reader, Fra Diego de Yangües.</p> +<p><a name="r7.14">14</a>. Of these Dominicans some never failed to +give themselves greatly to prayer, and perhaps all did. Some others +also she consulted; for in so many years, and because of the fear she +was in, she had opportunities of doing so, especially as she went +about founding monasteries in so many places. Her spirit was tried +enough, for everybody wished to be able to enlighten her, and thereby +reassured her and themselves. She always, at all times, wished to +submit herself to whatever they enjoined her, and she was therefore +distressed when, as to these spiritual things, she could not obey +them. Both her own prayer, and that of the nuns she has established, +are always carefully directed towards the propagation of the faith; +and it was for that purpose, and for the good of her Order, that she +began her first monastery.</p> +<p><a name="r7.15">15</a>. She used to say that, if any of these +things tended to lead her against the Catholic faith and the law of +God, she would not need to seek for learned men nor tests, because she +would see at once that they came from Satan. She never undertook +anything merely because it came to her in prayer; on the contrary, +when her confessors bade her do the reverse, she did so without being +in the least troubled thereat, and she always told them everything. +For all that they told her that these things came from God, she never +so thoroughly believed them that she could swear to it herself, though +it did seem to her that they were spiritually safe, because of the +effects thereof, and of the great graces which she at times received; +but she always desired virtues more than anything else; and this it is +that she has charged her nuns to desire, saying to them that the most +humble and mortified will be the most spiritual.</p> +<p><a name="r7.16">16</a>. All that is told and written she +communicated to the Father-Master Fra Dominic Bañes, who is now in +Valladolid, and who is the person with whom she has had, and has +still, the most frequent communications. He sent her writings to the +Holy Office in Madrid, so it is said. In all this she submits herself +to the Catholic faith and the Roman Church. Nobody has found fault +with them, because these things are not in the power of any man, and +our Lord does not require what is impossible.</p> +<p><a name="r7.17">17</a>. The reason why so much is known about her +is that, as she was in fear about herself, and described her state to +so many, these talked to one another on the subject and also the +accident that happened to what she had +written. [<a href="#r7note9">9</a>] This has been to her a very +grievous torment and cross, and has cost her many tears. She says +that this distress is not the effect of humility, but of the causes +already mentioned. Our Lord seems to have given +permission [<a href="#r7note10">10</a>] for this torture for if one +spoke more harshly of her than others, by little and little he spoke +more kindly of her.</p> +<p><a name="r7.18">18</a>. She took the greatest pains not to submit +the state of her soul to any one who she thought would believe that +these things came from God, for she was instantly afraid that the +devil would deceive them both. If she saw any one timid about these +things, to him she laid bare her secrets with the greater joy; though +also it gave her pain when, for the purpose of trying her, these +things were treated with contempt, for she thought some were really +from God, and she would not have people, even if they had good cause, +condemn them so absolutely; neither would she have them believe that +all were from God; and because she knew perfectly well that delusion +was possible, therefore it was that she never thought herself +altogether safe in a matter wherein there might be danger.</p> +<p><a name="r7.19">19</a>. She used to strive with all her might never +in any way to offend God, and was always obedient; and by these means +she thought she might obtain her deliverance, by the help of God, even +if Satan were the cause.</p> +<p><a name="r7.20">20</a>. Ever since she became subject to these +supernatural visitations, her spirit is always inclined to seek after +that which is most perfect, and she had almost always a great desire +to suffer; and in the persecutions she underwent, and they were many, +she was comforted, and had a particular affection for her persecutors. +She had a great desire to be poor and lonely, and to depart out of +this land of exile in order to see God. Through these effects, and +others like them, she began to find peace, thinking that a spirit +which could leave her with these virtues could not be an evil one, and +they who had the charge of her soul said so; but it was a peace that +came from diminished weariness, not from the cessation of fear.</p> +<p><a name="r7.21">21</a>. The spirit she is of never urged her to +make any of these things known, but to be always +obedient. [<a href="#r7note11">11</a>] As it has been said +already, [<a href="#r7note12">12</a>] she never saw anything with her +bodily eyes, but in a way so subtile and so intellectual that at first +she sometimes thought that all was the effect of imagination; at other +times she could not think so. These things were not continual, but +occurred for the most part when she was in some trouble: as on one +occasion, when for some days she had to bear unendurable interior +pains, and a restlessness of soul arising out of the fear that she was +deluded by Satan, as it is described at length in the account she has +given of it, [<a href="#r7note13">13</a>] and where her sins, for they +have been so public, are mentioned with the rest: for the fear she was +in made her forget her own good name.</p> +<p><a name="r7.22">22</a>. Being thus in distress such as cannot be +described, at the mere hearing interiorly these +words, [<a href="#r7note14">14</a>] "It is I, be not afraid," +her soul became so calm, courageous, and confident, that she could not +understand whence so great a blessing had come; for her confessor had +not been able--and many learned men, with many words, had not been +able--to give her that peace and rest which this one word had given +her. And thus, at other times, some vision gave her strength, for +without that she could not have borne such great trials and +contradictions, together with infirmities without number, and which +she still has to bear, though they are not so many,--for she is never +free from some suffering or other, more or less intense. Her ordinary +state is constant pain, with many other infirmities, though since she +became a nun they are more troublesome, if she is doing anything in +the service of our Lord. And the mercies He shows her pass quickly +out of memory, though she often dwells on those mercies,--but she is +not able to dwell so long upon these as upon her sins; these are +always a torment to her, most commonly as filth smelling foully.</p> +<p><a name="r7.23">23</a>. That her sins are so many, and her service +of God so scanty, must be the reason why she is not tempted to +vainglory. There never was anything in any of these spiritual +visitations that was not wholly pure and clean, nor does she think it +can be otherwise if the spirit be good and the visitations +supernatural, for she utterly neglects the body and never thinks of +it, being wholly intent upon God.</p> +<p><a name="r7.24">24</a>. She is also living in great fear about +sinning against God, and doing His will in all things; this is her +continual prayer. And she is, she thinks, so determined never to +swerve from this, that there is nothing her confessors might enjoin +her, which she considers to be for the greater honour of our Lord, +that she would not undertake and perform, by the help of our Lord. +And confident that His Majesty helps those who have resolved to +advance His service and glory, she thinks no more of herself and of +her own progress, in comparison with that, than if she did not exist, +so far as she knows herself, and her confessors think so too.</p> +<p><a name="r7.25">25</a>. All that is written in this paper is the +simple truth, and they, and all others who have had anything to do +with her for these twenty years, can justify it. Most frequently her +spirit urged her to praise God, and she wished that all the world gave +itself up to that, even though it should cost her exceedingly. Hence +the desire she has for the good of souls; and from considering how +vile are the things of this world, and how precious are interior +things, with which nothing can be compared, she has attained to a +contempt of the world.</p> +<p><a name="r7.26">26</a>. As for the vision about which you, my +father, wish to know something, it is of this kind: she sees nothing +either outwardly or inwardly, for the vision is not imaginary: but, +without seeing anything, she understands what it is, and where it is, +more clearly than if she saw it, only nothing in particular presents +itself to her. She is like a person who feels that another is close +beside her; but because she is in the dark she sees him not, yet is +certain that he is there present. Still, this comparison is not +exact; for he who is in the dark, in some way or other, through +hearing a noise or having seen that person before, knows he is there, +or knew it before; but here there is nothing of the kind, for without +a word, inward or outward, the soul clearly perceives who it is, where +he is, and occasionally what he means. [<a href="#r7note15">15</a>] +Why, or how, she perceives it, she knoweth not; but so it is; and +while it lasts, she cannot help being aware of it. And when it is +over,--though she may wish ever so much to retain the image +thereof,--she cannot do it, for it is then clear to her that it would +be, in that case, an act of the imagination, not the vision +itself,--that is not in her power; and so it is with the supernatural +things. And it is from this it comes to pass that he in whom God works +these graces despises himself, and becomes more humble than he was +ever before, for he sees that this is a gift of God, and that he can +neither add to it nor take from it. The love and the desire become +greater of serving our Lord, who is so mighty that He can do that +which is more than our imagination can conceive here, as there are +things which men, however learned they may be, can never know. +Blessed for ever and ever be He who bestows this! Amen.</p> +<hr title="Notes"> +<p><small><a name="r7note1">1</a>. See <a +href="#l24.4"><cite>Life</cite>, ch. xxiv. +§ 4</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="r7note2">2</a>. See <a +href="#l25.18"><cite>Life</cite>, ch. xxv. +§ 18</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="r7note3">3</a>. See <a +href="#l25.20"><cite>Life</cite>, ch. xxv. § 20</a>, and <a +href="#l27.1">ch. xxvii. § 1</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="r7note4">4</a>. See <a +href="#l26.5"><cite>Life</cite>, ch. xxvi. +§ 5</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="r7note5">5</a>. Don Francisco de Soto y Salazar was +a native of Bonilli de la Sierra, and Vicar-General of the Bishops of +Astorga and Avila, and Canon of Avila; Inquisitor of Cordova, Seville, +and Toledo; Bishop, successively, of Albarracin, Segorve, and +Salamanca. He died at Merida, in 1576, poisoned, it was suspected, by +the sect of the Illuminati, who were alarmed at his faithful zeal and +holy life (<cite>Palafox</cite>, note to letter 19, vol. i. ed. +Doblado). "She went to the Inquisitor, Don Francisco Soto de +Salazar--he was afterwards Bishop of Salamanca--and said to him: 'My +lord, I am subject to certain extraordinary processes in prayer, such +as ecstasies, raptures, and revelations, and do not wish to be deluded +or deceived by Satan, or to do anything that is not absolutely safe. +I give myself up to the Inquisition to try me, and examine my ways of +going on, submitting myself to its orders.' The Inquisitor replied: +'Señora, the business of the Inquisition is not to try the spirit, nor +to examine ways of prayer, but to correct heretics. Do you, then, +commit your experience to writing, in all simplicity and truth, and +send it to the Father-Master Avila, who is a man of great spirituality +and learning, and extremely conversant with matters of prayer; and +when you shall have his answer, you may be sure there is nothing to be +afraid of'" (Jerome Gratian, <cite>Lucidario</cite>, <abbr +lang="es" title="capítulo">cap.</abbr> iii.).</small></p> +<p><small><a name="r7note6">6</a>. This book is the <cite>Way of +Perfection</cite>, written by direction of F. Bañes.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="r7note7">7</a>. The Saint had such great affection +for the Order of <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Dominic, that she used +to say of herself, "<span lang="es">Yo soy la Dominica</span> +<span lang="la">in passione</span>," meaning thereby that she was +in her heart a Dominicaness, and a child of the Order +(<cite>Palafox</cite>, note to letter 16, vol. i. +ed. Doblado).</small></p> +<p><small><a name="r7note8">8</a>. When this father had read the +<cite>Life</cite>, he had it copied, with the assent of F. Gratian, +and gave the copy thus made to the Duchess of Alba (<cite>De +la Fuente</cite>).</small></p> +<p><small><a name="r7note9">9</a>. See <cite>Foundations</cite>, ch. +xvii. § 12, note.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="r7note10">10</a>. <a +href="#l23.15"><cite>Life</cite>, ch. xxiii. +§ 15</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="r7note11">11</a>. <a +href="#l26.5"><cite>Life</cite>, ch. xxvi. § 5</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="r7note12">12</a>. <a +href="#r7.4">§ 4</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="r7note13">13</a>. <a +href="#l25.19"><cite>Life</cite>, ch. xxv. +§ 19</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="r7note14">14</a>. <a +href="#l25.22"><cite>Life</cite>, ch. xxv. +§ 22</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="r7note15">15</a>. See <a +href="#l27.5"><cite>Life</cite>, ch. xxvii. +§ 5</a>.</small></p> +<hr title="Text"> +<h3><a name="r8.0">Relation VIII.</a></h3> +<p><big>Addressed to F. Rodrigo Alvarez.</big></p> +<p><a name="r8.1">1</a>. These interior things of the spirit are so +difficult to describe, and, still more, in such a way as to be +understood,--the more so as they pass quickly away,--that, if +obedience did not help me, it would be a chance if I succeeded, +especially in such difficult things. I implore you, my father, to +take for granted that it is not in my mind to think this to be +correct, for it may well be that I do not understand the matter; but +what I can assure you of is this, that I will speak of nothing I have +not had experience of at times, and, indeed, often.</p> +<p><a name="r8.2">2</a>. I think it will please you, my father, if I +begin by discussing that which is at the root of supernatural things; +for that which relates to devotion, tenderness, tears, and +meditations, which is in our power here to acquire by the help of our +Lord, is understood.</p> +<p><a name="r8.3">3</a>. The first prayer of which I was +conscious,--in my opinion, supernatural,--so I call that which no +skill or effort of ours, however much we labour, can attain to, though +we should prepare ourselves for it, and that preparation must be of +great service,--is a certain interior +recollection [<a href="#r8note1">1</a>] of which the soul is sensible; +the soul seems to have other senses within itself then, which bear +some likeness to the exterior senses it possesses; and thus the soul, +withdrawing into itself, seeks to go away from the tumult of its +outward senses, and accordingly it drags them away with itself; for it +closes the eyes on purpose that it may neither see, nor hear, nor +understand anything but that whereon the soul is then intent, which is +to be able to converse with God alone. In this prayer there is no +suspension of the faculties and powers of the soul; it retains the +full use of them; but the use of them is retained that they may be +occupied with God. This will be easily understood by him whom our +Lord shall have raised to this state; but by him whom He has not, not; +at least, such a one will have need of many words +and illustrations.</p> +<p><a name="r8.4">4</a>. Out of this recollection grow a certain +quietude and inward peace most full of comfort; for the soul is in +such a state that it does not seem to it that it wants anything; for +even speaking wearies it,--I mean by this, vocal prayer and +meditation; it would do nothing but love. This lasts some time, and +even a long time.</p> +<p><a name="r8.5">5</a>. Out of this prayer comes usually what is +called a sleep of the faculties; but they are not so absorbed nor so +suspended as that it can be called a trance; nor is it +altogether union.</p> +<p><a name="r8.6">6</a>. Sometimes, and even often, the soul is aware +that the will alone is in union; and this it sees very clearly,--that +is, it seems so to it. The will is wholly intent upon God, and the +soul sees that it has no power to rest on, or do, anything else; and +at the same time the two other faculties are at liberty to attend to +other matters of the service of God,--in a word, Martha and Mary are +together. [<a href="#r8note2">2</a>] I asked Father +Francis [<a href="#r8note3">3</a>] if this was a delusion, for it made +me stupid; and his reply was, that it often happened.</p> +<p><a name="r8.7">7</a>. When all the faculties of the soul are in +union, it is a very different state of things; for they can then do +nothing whatever, because the understanding is as it were surprised. +The will loves more than the understanding knows; but the +understanding does not know that the will loves, nor what it is doing, +so as to be able in any way to speak of it. As to the memory, the +soul, I think, has none then, nor any power of thinking, nor are the +senses awake, but rather as lost, so that the soul may be the more +occupied with the object of its fruition: so it seems to me. They are +lost but for a brief interval; it passes quickly away. By the wealth +of humility, and other virtues and desires, left in the soul after +this may be learnt how great the blessing is that flows from this +grace, but it cannot be told what it is; for, though the soul applies +itself to the understanding of it, it can neither understand nor +explain it. This, if it be real, is, in my opinion, the greatest +grace wrought by our Lord on this spiritual road,--at least, it is one +of the greatest.</p> +<p><a name="r8.8">8</a>. Raptures and trance, in my opinion, are all +one, only I am in the habit of using the word trance instead of +rapture, because the latter word frightens people; and, indeed, the +union of which I am speaking may also be called a trance. The +difference between union and trance is this, that the latter lasts +longer and is more visible outwardly, because the breathing gradually +diminishes, so that it becomes impossible to speak or to open the +eyes; and though this very thing occurs when the soul is in union, +there is more violence in a trance for the natural warmth vanishes, I +know not how, when the rapture is deep; and in all these kinds of +prayer there is more or less of this. When it is deep, as I was +saying, the hands become cold, and sometimes stiff and straight as +pieces of wood; as to the body, if the rapture comes on when it is +standing or kneeling, it remains so; [<a href="#r8note4">4</a>] and the +soul is so full of the joy of that which our Lord is setting before +it, that it seems to forget to animate the body, and abandons it. If +the rapture lasts, the nerves are made to feel it.</p> +<p><a name="r8.9">9</a>. It seems to me that our Lord will have the +soul know more of that, the fruition of which it has, in a trance than +in union, and accordingly in a rapture the soul receives most commonly +certain revelations of His Majesty, and the effects thereof on the +soul are great,--a forgetfulness of self, through the longing it has +that God our Lord, who is so high, may be known and praised. In my +opinion, if the rapture be from God, the soul cannot fail to obtain a +deep conviction of its own helplessness, and of its wretchedness and +ingratitude, in that it has not served Him who, of His own goodness +only, bestows upon it graces so great; for the feeling and the +sweetness are so high above all things that may be compared therewith +that, if the recollection of them did not pass away, all the +satisfactions of earth would be always loathsome to it; and hence +comes the contempt for all the things of the world.</p> +<p><a name="r8.10">10</a>. The difference between trance and +transport [<a href="#r8note5">5</a>] is this,--in a trance the soul +gradually dies to outward things, losing the senses and living unto +God. A transport comes on by one sole act of His Majesty, wrought in +the innermost part of the soul with such swiftness that it is as if +the higher part thereof were carried away, and the soul leaving the +body. Accordingly it requires courage at first to throw itself into +the arms of our Lord, that He may take it whithersoever He will; for, +until His Majesty establishes it in peace there whither He is pleased +to take it--by take it I mean the admitting of it to the knowledge of +deep things--it certainly requires in the beginning to be firmly +resolved to die for Him, because the poor soul does not know what this +means--that is, at first. The virtues, as it seems to me, remain +stronger after this, for there is a growth in detachment, and the +power of God, who is so mighty, is the more known, so that the soul +loves and fears Him. For so it is, He carries away the soul, no +longer in our power, as the true Lord thereof, which is filled with a +deep sorrow for having offended Him, and astonishment that it ever +dared to offend a Majesty so great, with an exceedingly earnest desire +that none may henceforth offend Him, and that all may praise Him. +This, I think, must be the source of those very fervent desires for +the salvation of souls, and for some share therein, and for the due +praising of God.</p> +<p><a name="r8.11">11</a>. The flight of the spirit--I know not how to +call it--is a rising upwards from the very depths of the soul. I +remember only this comparison, and I made use of it before, as you +know, my father, in that writing where these and other ways of prayer +are explained at length, [<a href="#r8note6">6</a>] and such is my +memory that I forget things at once. It seems to me that soul and +spirit are one and the same thing; but only as a fire, if it is great +and ready for burning; so, like fire burning rapidly, the soul, in +that preparation of itself which is the work of God, sends up a +flame,--the flame ascends on high, but the fire thereof is the same as +that below, nor does the flame cease to be fire because it ascends: so +here, in the soul, something so subtile and so swift, seems to issue +from it, that ascends to the higher part, and goes thither whither our +Lord wills. I cannot go further with the explanation; it seems a +flight, and I know of nothing else wherewith to compare it: I know +that it cannot be mistaken, for it is most evident when it occurs, and +that it cannot be hindered.</p> +<p><a name="r8.12">12</a>. This little bird of the spirit seems to +have escaped out of this wretchedness of the flesh, out of the prison +of this body, and now, disentangled therefrom, is able to be the more +intent on that which our Lord is giving it. The flight of the spirit +is something so fine, of such inestimable worth, as the soul perceives +it, that all delusion therein seems impossible, or anything of the +kind, when it occurs. It was afterwards that fear arose, because she +who received this grace was so wicked; for she saw what good reasons +she had to be afraid of everything, though in her innermost soul there +remained an assurance and a confidence wherein she was able to live, +but not enough to make her cease from the anxiety she was in not to +be deceived.</p> +<p><a name="r8.13">13</a>. By impetus I mean that desire which at +times rushes into the soul, without being preceded by prayer, and this +is most frequently the case; it is a sudden remembering that the soul +is away from God, or of a word it has heard to that effect. This +remembering is occasionally so strong and vehement that the soul in a +moment becomes as if the reason were gone, just like a person who +suddenly hears most painful tidings of which he knew not before, or is +surprised; such a one seems deprived of the power of collecting his +thoughts for his own comfort, and is as one lost. So is it in this +state, except that the suffering arises from this, that there abides +in the soul a conviction that it would be well worth dying in it. It +seems that whatever the soul then perceives does but increase its +suffering, and that our Lord will have its whole being find no comfort +in anything, nor remember that it is His will that it should live: the +soul seems to itself to be in great and indescribable loneliness, and +abandoned of all, because the world, and all that is in it, gives it +pain; and because it finds no companionship in any created thing, the +soul seeks its Creator alone, and this it sees to be impossible unless +it dies; and as it must not kill itself, it is dying to die, and there +is really a risk of death, and it sees itself hanging between heaven +and earth, not knowing what to do with itself. And from time to time +God gives it a certain knowledge of Himself, that it may see what it +loses, in a way so strange that no explanation of it is possible; and +there is no pain in the world--at least I have felt none--that is +equal or like unto this, for if it lasts but half an hour the whole +body is out of joint, and the bones so racked, that I am not able to +write with my hands: the pains I endure are +most grievous. [<a href="#r8note7">7</a>]</p> +<p><a name="r8.14">14</a>. But nothing of all this is felt till the +impetus shall have passed away. He to whom it comes has enough to do +in enduring that which is going on within him, nor do I believe that +he would feel if he were grievously tortured: he is in possession of +all his senses, can speak, and even observe; walk about he +cannot,--the great blow of that love throws him down to the ground. +If we were to die to have this, it would be of no use, for it cannot +be except when God sends it. It leaves great effects and blessings in +the soul. Some learned men say that it is this, others that it is +that, but no one condemns it. The Father-Master d'Avila wrote to me +and said it was good, and so say all. The soul clearly understands +that it is a great grace from our Lord; were it to occur more +frequently, life would not last long.</p> +<p><a name="r8.15">15</a>. The ordinary impetus is, that this desire +of serving God comes on with a certain tenderness, accompanied with +tears, out of a longing to depart from this land of exile; but as the +soul retains its freedom, wherein it reflects that its living on is +according to our Lord's will, it takes comfort in that thought, and +offers its life to Him, beseeching Him that it may last only for His +glory. This done, it bears all.</p> +<p><a name="r8.16">16</a>. Another prayer very common is a certain +kind of wounding; [<a href="#r8note8">8</a>] for it really seems to +the soul as if an arrow were thrust through the heart, or through +itself. Thus it causes great suffering, which makes the soul +complain; but the suffering is so sweet, that it wishes it never would +end. The suffering is not one of sense, neither is the wound +physical; it is in the interior of the soul, without any appearance of +bodily pain; but as I cannot explain it except by comparing it with +other pains, I make use of these clumsy expressions,--for such they +are when applied to this suffering. I cannot, however, explain it in +any other way. It is, therefore, neither to be written of nor spoken +of, because it is impossible for any one to understand it who has not +had experience of it,--I mean, how far the pain can go; for the pains +of the spirit are very different from those of earth. I gather, +therefore, from this, that the souls in hell and purgatory suffer more +than we can imagine, by considering these pains of the body.</p> +<p><a name="r8.17">17</a>. At other times, this wound of love seems to +issue from the inmost depth of the soul; great are the effects of it; +and when our Lord does not inflict it, there is no help for it, +whatever we may do to obtain it; nor can it be avoided when it is His +pleasure to inflict it. The effects of it are those longings after +God, so quick and so fine that they cannot be described and when the +soul sees itself hindered and kept back from entering, as it desires, +on the fruition of God, it conceives a great loathing for the body, on +which it looks as a thick wall which hinders it from that fruition +which it then seems to have entered upon within itself, and unhindered +by the body. It then comprehends the great evil that has befallen us +through the sin of Adam in robbing us of +this liberty. [<a href="#r8note9">9</a>]</p> +<p><a name="r8.18">18</a>. This prayer I had before the raptures and +the great impetuosities I have been speaking of. I forgot to say that +these great impetuosities scarcely ever leave me, except through a +trance or great sweetness in our Lord, whereby He comforts the soul, +and gives it courage to live on for His sake.</p> +<p><a name="r8.19">19</a>. All this that I speak of cannot be the +effect of the imagination; and I have some reasons for saying this, +but it would be wearisome to enter on them: whether it be good or not +is known to our Lord. The effects thereof, and how it profits the +soul, pass all comprehension, as it seems to me.</p> +<p><a name="r8.20">20</a>. I see clearly that the Persons are +distinct, as I saw it yesterday when you, my father, were talking to +the Father Provincial; only I saw nothing, and heard nothing, as, my +father, I have already told you. But there is a strange certainty +about it, though the eyes of the soul see nothing; and when the +presence is withdrawn, that withdrawal is felt. How it is, I know +not; but I do know very well that it is not an imagination, because I +cannot reproduce the vision when it is over, even if I were to perish +in the effort; but I have tried to do so. So is it with all that I +have spoken of here, so far as I can see; for, as I have been in this +state for so many years, I have been able to observe, so that I can +say so with this confidence. The truth is,--and you, my father, +should attend to this,--that, as to the Person who always speaks, I +can certainly say which of Them He seems to me to be; of the others I +cannot say so much. One of Them I know well has never spoken. I +never knew why, nor do I busy myself in asking more of God than He is +pleased to give, because in that case, I believe, I should be deluded +by Satan, at once; nor will I ask now, because of the fear I +am in.</p> +<p><a name="r8.21">21</a>. I think the First spoke to me at times; but +as I do not remember that very well now, nor what it was that He +spoke, I will not venture to say so. It is all written,--you, my +father, know where,--and more at large than it is here; I know not +whether in the same words or not. [<a href="#r8note10">10</a>] Though +the Persons are distinct in a strange way, the soul knows One only +God. I do not remember that our Lord ever seemed to speak to me but +in His Human Nature; and--I say it again--I can assure you that this +is no imagination.</p> +<p><a name="r8.22">22</a>. What, my father, you say about the water, I +know not; nor have I heard where the earthly paradise is. I have +already said that I cannot but listen to what our Lord tells me; I +hear it because I cannot help myself; but, as for asking His Majesty +to reveal anything to me, that is what I have never done. In that +case, I should immediately think I was imagining things, and that I +must be in a delusion of Satan. God be praised, I have never been +curious about things, and I do not care to know more than I +do. [<a href="#r8note11">11</a>] What I have learnt, without seeking +to learn, as I have just said, has been a great trouble to me, though +it has been the means, I believe, which our Lord made use of to save +me, seeing that I was so wicked; good people do not need so much to +make them serve His Majesty.</p> +<p><a name="r8.23">23</a>. I remember another way of prayer which I +had before the one I mentioned first,--namely, a presence of God, +which is not a vision at all. It seems that any one, if he recommends +himself to His Majesty, even if he only prays vocally, finds Him; +every one, at all times, can do this, if we except seasons of aridity. +May He grant I may not by my own fault lose mercies so great, and may +He have compassion on me!</p> +<hr title="Notes"> +<p><small><a name="r8note1">1</a>. <cite>Inner Fortress</cite>, iv. +ch. iii.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="r8note2">2</a>. See <a +href="#l17.5"><cite>Life</cite>, ch. xvii. +§ 5</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="r8note3">3</a>. Compare <a +href="#l24.4"><cite>Life</cite>, ch. xxiv. +§ 4</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="r8note4">4</a>. See <a +href="#l20.23"><cite>Life</cite>, ch. xx. +§ 23</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="r8note5">5</a>. <span lang="es">"Arrobamiento +y arrebatamiento."</span></small></p> +<p><small><a name="r8note6">6</a>. See <a +href="#l20.0"><cite>Life</cite>, chs. xx.</a> and <a +href="#l21.0">xxi</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="r8note7">7</a>. <a +href="#l20.16"><cite>Life</cite>, ch. xx. § 16</a>; +<cite>Inner Fortress</cite>, vi. c. xi.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="r8note8">8</a>. See <a +href="#l29.17"><cite>Life</cite>, ch. xxix. +§ 17</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="r8note9">9</a>. See <a +href="#l17.9"><cite>Life</cite>, ch. xvii. +§ 9</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="r8note10">10</a>. See <a +href="#r3.6"><cite>Relation</cite>, iii. +§ 6</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="r8note11">11</a>. See <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> John of the Cross, <cite>Ascent +of Mount Carmel</cite>, bk. ii. ch. xxii.</small></p> +<hr title="Text"> +<h3><a name="r9.0">Relation IX.</a></h3> +<p><big>Of Certain Spiritual Graces She Received in Toledo and Avila +in the Years 1576 and 1577.</big></p> +<p><a name="r9.1">1</a>. I had begun to go to confession to a certain +person [<a href="#r9note1">1</a>] in the city wherein I am at present +staying, when he, though he had much good will towards me, and always +has had since he took upon himself the charge of my soul, ceased to +come here; and one night, when I was in prayer, and thinking how he +failed me, I understood that God kept him from coming because it was +expedient for me to treat of the affairs of my soul with a certain +person on the spot. [<a href="#r9note2">2</a>] I was distressed +because I had to form new relations--it might be he would not +understand me, and would disturb me--and because I had a great +affection for him who did me this charity, though I was always +spiritually content when I saw or heard the latter preach; also, I +thought it would not do because of his many occupations. Our Lord +said to me: "I will cause him to hear and understand thee. Make +thyself known unto him; it will be some relief to thee in thy +troubles." The latter part was addressed to me, I think, because +I was then so worn out by the absence of God. His Majesty also said +that He saw very well the trouble I was in; but it could not be +otherwise while I lived in this land of exile: all was for my good; +and he comforted me greatly. So it has been: he comforts me, and +seeks opportunities to do so; he has understood me, and given me great +relief; he is a most learned and holy man.</p> +<p><a name="r9.2">2</a>. One day,--it was the Feast of the +Presentation,--I was praying earnestly to God for a certain person, +and thinking that after all the possession of property and of freedom +was unfitting for that high sanctity which I wished him to attain to; +I reflected on his weak health, and on the spiritual health which he +communicated to souls; and I heard these words: "He serves Me +greatly; but the great thing is to follow Me stripped of everything, +as I was on the cross. Tell him to trust in Me." These last words +were said because I thought he could not, with his weak health, attain +to such perfection.</p> +<p><a name="r9.3">3</a>. Once, when I was thinking of the pain it was +to me to eat meat and do no penance, I understood that there was at +times more of self-love in that feeling than of a desire +for penance.</p> +<p><a name="r9.4">4</a>. Once, when I was in great distress because of +my offences against God, He said to me: "All thy sins in My sight +are as if they were not. For the future, be strong; for thy troubles +are not over."</p> +<p><a name="r9.5">5</a>. One day, in prayer, I felt my soul in God in +such a way that it seemed to me as if the world did not exist, I was +so absorbed in Him. He made me then understand that verse of the +<cite lang="la">Magnificat</cite>, <span lang="la">"Et exultavit +spiritus meus,"</span> so that I can never forget it.</p> +<p><a name="r9.6">6</a>. Once, when I was thinking how people sought +to destroy this monastery of the Barefooted Carmelites, and that they +purposed, perhaps, to bring about the destruction of them all by +degrees, I heard: "They do purpose it; nevertheless, they will +never see it done, but very much the reverse."</p> +<p><a name="r9.7">7</a>. Once, in deep recollection, I was praying to +God for Eliseus; [<a href="#r9note3">3</a>] I heard this: "He is My +true son; I will never fail him," or to that effect; but I am not +sure of the latter words.</p> +<p><a name="r9.8">8</a>. Having one day conversed with a person who +had given up much for God, and calling to mind that I had given up +nothing for Him, and had never served Him in anything, as I was bound +to do, and then considering the many graces He had wrought in my soul, +I began to be exceedingly weary; and our Lord said to me: "Thou +knowest of the betrothal between thee and Myself, and therefore all I +have is thine; and so I give thee all the labours and sorrows I +endured, and thou canst therefore ask of My Father as if they were +thine." Though I have heard that we are partakers +therein, [<a href="#r9note4">4</a>] now it was in a way so different +that it seemed as if I had become possessed of a great principality; +for the affection with which He wrought this grace cannot be +described. The Father seemed to ratify the gift; and from that time +forth I look at our Lord's Passion in a very different light, as on +something that belongs to me; and that gives me +great comfort. [<a href="#r9note5">5</a>]</p> +<p><a name="r9.9">9</a>. On the Feast of the Magdalene, when thinking +of the great love I am bound to have for our Lord, according to the +words He spoke to, me in reference to this Saint, and having great +desires to imitate her, our Lord was very gracious unto me, and said, +I was to be henceforward strong; for I had to serve Him more than I +had hitherto done. [<a href="#r9note6">6</a>] He filled me with a +desire not to die so soon, that I might have the time to occupy myself +therein; and I remained with a great resolution to suffer.</p> +<p><a name="r9.10">10</a>. On one occasion, I understood how our Lord +was in all things, and how He was in the soul; and the illustration of +a sponge filled with water was suggested to me.</p> +<p><a name="r9.11">11</a>. When my brothers came,--and I owe so much +to one of them, [<a href="#r9note7">7</a>]--I remained in conversation +with him concerning his soul and his affairs, which wearied and +distressed me; and as I was offering this up to our Lord, and thinking +that I did it all because I was under obligations to him, I remembered +that by our Constitutions [<a href="#r9note8">8</a>] we are commanded +to separate ourselves from our kindred, and I was set thinking whether +I was under any obligation, our Lord said to me: "No, My daughter; +the regulations of the Order must be only in conformity with My +law." The truth is, that the end of the Constitutions is, that we +are not to be attached to our kindred; and to converse with them, as +it seems to me, is rather wearisome, and it is painful to have +anything to do with them.</p> +<p><a name="r9.12">12</a>. After Communion, on <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Augustine's Day, I understood, and, as it +were, saw,--I cannot tell how, unless it was by an intellectual vision +which passed rapidly away,--how the Three Persons of the most Holy +Trinity, whom I have always imprinted in my soul, are One. This was +revealed in a representation so strange, and in a light so clear, that +the impression made upon me was very different from that which I have +by faith. From that time forth I have never been able to think of One +of the Three Divine Persons without thinking of the Three; so that +to-day, when I was considering how, the Three being One, the Son alone +took our flesh upon Him, our Lord showed me how, though They are One, +They are also distinct. These are marvels which make the soul desire +anew to be rid of the hindrances which the body interposes between it +and the fruition of them. Though this passes away in a moment, there +remains a gain to the soul incomparably greater than any it might have +made by meditation during many years; and all without knowing how +it happens.</p> +<p><a name="r9.13">13</a>. I have a special joy on the Feast of our Lady's +Nativity. When this day was come, I thought it would be well to renew +our vows; and thereupon I saw our Lady, by an illuminative vision; and +it seemed as if we made them before her and that they were pleasing +unto her. I had this vision constantly for some days, and our Lady +was by me on my left hand. One day, after Communion, it seemed to me +that my soul was really one with the most Holy Body of our Lord, then +present before me; and that wrought a great work and blessing +in me.</p> +<p><a name="r9.14">14</a>. I was once thinking whether I was to be +sent to reform a certain monastery; [<a href="#r9note9">9</a>] and, +distressed at it, I heard: "What art thou afraid of? What canst +thou lose?--only thy life, which thou hast so often offered to Me. I +will help thee." This was in prayer, which was of such a nature +as to ease my soul exceedingly.</p> +<p><a name="r9.15">15</a>. Once, having a desire to render some +service to our Lord, I considered that I could serve Him but poorly, +and said to myself: "Why, O Lord, dost Thou desire my works?" +And He answered: "To see thy good will, My child."</p> +<p><a name="r9.16">16</a>. Once our Lord gave me light in a matter +that I was very glad to understand, and I immediately forgot it, so +that I was never able to call it again to mind; and so, when I was +trying to remember it, I heard: "Thou knowest now that I speak to +thee from time to time. Do not omit to write down what I say; for, +though it may not profit thee, it may be that it will profit +others." As I was thinking whether I, for my sins, had to be of +use to others, and be lost myself, He said to me: "Have +no fear."</p> +<p><a name="r9.17">17</a>. I was once recollected in that +companionship which I ever have in my soul, and it seemed to me that +God was present therein in such a way that I remembered how <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Peter said: "Thou art Christ, the Son of +the living God;" [<a href="#r9note10">10</a>] for the living God +was in my soul. This is not like other visions, for it overpowers +faith; so that it is impossible to doubt of the indwelling of the +Trinity in our souls, by presence, power, and essence. To know this +truth is of the very highest gain; and as I stood amazed to see His +Majesty in a thing so vile as my soul, I heard: "It is not vile, +My child, for it is made in My image." [<a href="#r9note11">11</a>] +I also learnt something of the reason why God delights in souls more +than in any other creatures: it is so subtile that, though the +understanding quickly comprehended it, I cannot tell it.</p> +<p><a name="r9.18">18</a>. When I was in such distress, because of the +troubles of our father, [<a href="#r9note12">12</a>] that I had no +rest, and after Communion one day was making most earnestly my +petition to our Lord that, as He had given him to me, I might not lose +him, He said to me: "Have no fear."</p> +<p><a name="r9.19">19</a>. Once, with that presence of the Three +Persons which I have in my soul, I was in light so clear that no doubt +of the presence of the true and living God was possible; and I then +came to the knowledge of things which afterwards I could not speak of. +One of these things was, how the person of the Son only took human +flesh. I cannot, as I have just said, explain it at all; for some of +these things were wrought in the secret recesses of the soul, and the +understanding seems to grasp them only as one who is in his sleep, or +half awake, thinks he comprehends what is told him. I was thinking +how hard it was to remain alive, seeing that it was living on that +robbed us of that marvellous companionship; and so I said to myself: +"O Lord, show me some way whereby I may bear this life!" He +said unto me: "Think, my child, when life is over, thou canst not +serve Me as thou art serving Me now, and eat for Me, and sleep for Me. +Whatsoever thou doest, let it be done for Me as if thou wert no longer +living, but I; for that is what <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Paul said." [<a href="#r9note13">13</a>]</p> +<p><a name="r9.20">20</a>. Once, after Communion, I saw how His Father +within our soul accepts the most Holy Body of Christ. I have +understood and seen how the Divine Persons are there, and how pleasing +is this offering of His Son, because He has His joy and delight in +Him, so to speak, here on earth; for it is not the Humanity only that +is with us in our, souls, but the Divinity as well, and thus is it so +pleasing and acceptable unto Him, and gives us graces so great. I +understood also that He accepts the sacrifice, though the priest be in +sin; but then the grace of it is not communicated to his soul as it is +to their souls who are in a state of grace: not that the inflowings of +grace, which proceed from this Communion wherein the Father accepts +the sacrifice, cease to flow in their strength, but because of his +fault who has to receive them; as it is not the fault of the sun that +it does not illumine a lump of pitch, when its rays strike it as it +illumines a globe of crystal. If I could now describe it, I should be +better understood; it is a great matter to know this, because there +are grand secrets within us when we are at Communion. It is sad that +these bodies of ours do not allow us to have the fruition thereof.</p> +<p><a name="r9.21">21</a>. During the Octave of All +Saints, [<a href="#r9note14">14</a>] I had two or three days of +exceeding anguish, the result of my remembrance of my great sins, and +I was also in great dread of persecutions, which had no foundation +except that great accusations were brought against me, and all my +resolutions to suffer anything for God failed me: though I sought to +encourage myself, and made corresponding acts, and saw that all would +be a great pain for me, it was to little purpose, for the fear never +left me. It was a sharp warfare. I came across a letter, in which my +good father [<a href="#r9note15">15</a>] had written that <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Paul said that our God does not suffer us to +be tempted beyond our power to bear. [<a href="#r9note16">16</a>] This +was a very great relief to me, but was not enough; yea, rather, on the +next day I was in great distress at his absence, for I had no one to +go to in this trouble, for I seemed to be living in great loneliness. +And it added to my grief to see that I now find no one but he who can +comfort me, and he must be more than ever away, which is a very +sore trouble.</p> +<p><a name="r9.22">22</a>. The next night after this, reading in a +book, I found another saying of <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Paul, +with which I began to be comforted; and being slightly recollected, I +remained thinking how I had our Lord before present within me, so that +I truly saw Him to be the living God. While thinking on this He spoke +to me, and I saw Him in my inmost being, as it were beside my heart, +in an intellectual vision; His words were: "I am here, only I will +have thee see how little thou canst do without Me." I was on the +instant reassured, and my fears left me; and while at Matins that very +night our Lord Himself, in an intellectual vision so clear as to seem +almost imaginary, laid Himself in my arms, as He is painted in the +pictures of our Lady of Anguish. [<a href="#r9note17">17</a>] The +vision made me very much afraid, for it was so clear, and so close to +me, that it made me think whether it was an illusion or not. He said +to me, "Be not afraid of it, for the union of My Father with thy +soul is incomparably closer than this." The vision has remained +with me till now. What I have said of our Lord continued more than a +month: now it has left me.</p> +<p><a name="r9.23">23</a>. I was one night in great distress, because +it was then a long time since I had heard anything of my +father; [<a href="#r9note18">18</a>] and, moreover, he was not well the +last time he wrote to me. However, my distress was not so great as +that I felt before, for I had hopes, and distress like that I never +was in since; but still my anxiety hindered my prayer. He appeared to +me on the instant; it could not have been the effect of imagination, +for I saw a light within me, and himself coming by the way joyous, +with a face all fair. It must have been the light I saw that made his +face fair, for all the saints in heaven seem so; and I considered +whether it be the light and splendour proceeding from our Lord that +render them thus fair. I heard this: "Tell him to begin at once +without fear, for the victory is his."</p> +<p><a name="r9.24">24</a>. One day, after he came, when I was at night +giving thanks to our Lord for the many mercies He had given unto me, +He said to me: "O my child, what canst thou ask that I have +not done?"</p> +<p><a name="r9.25">25</a>. Our Lord said to me one day, in the +monastery of Veas, that I was to present my petition to Him, for I was +His bride. He promised to grant whatever I might ask of Him, and, as +a pledge, gave me a very beautiful ring, with a stone set in it like +an amethyst, but of a brilliancy very unlike, which He put on my +finger. I write this to my own confusion, considering the goodness of +God, and my wretched life; for I have deserved hell. Ah! my +daughters, pray to God for me, and be devout to <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Joseph, who can do much. This folly I +write . . . folly I write. . . .</p> +<p><a name="r9.26">26</a>. On the eve of <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Laurence, at Communion, I was so distracted +and dissipated in mind, that I had no power over it, and began to envy +those who dwell in desert places; thinking that, as they see and hear +nothing, they are exempt from distractions. I heard this: "Thou +art greatly deceived, My daughter; on the contrary, the temptations of +Satan are more violent there. Have patience while life lasts, it +cannot be helped." While dwelling on this, I became suddenly +recollected, and I saw a great light within me, so that I thought I +was in another world, and my spirit found itself interiorly in a +forest and in a garden of delights, which made me remember those words +of the Canticle: [<a href="#r9note19">19</a>] <span +lang="la">"Veniat dilectus meus in hortum suum."</span> I saw +my Eliseus [<a href="#r9note20">20</a>] there, not at all swarthy, but +in strange beauty: around his head was a garland of precious stones; a +multitude of damsels went before him with palms in their hands, all +singing hymns of praise unto God. I did nothing but open my eyes, to +see whether I could not distract myself from the vision, but that +failed to divert my attention; and I thought there was music +also,--the singing of birds and of angels,--which filled my soul with +joy, though I did not hear any. My soul was in joy, and did not +consider that there was nobody else there. I heard these words: +"He has merited to be among you, and all this rejoicing which thou +beholdest will take place on the day he shall set aside for the honour +of My Mother; [<a href="#r9note21">21</a>] and do thou make haste, if +thou wouldst reach the place where he is." This vision lasted +more than an hour and a half. In this respect--differently from my +other visions--I could not turn away from it, and it filled me with +delight. The effect of the vision was a great affection for Eliseus, +and a more frequent thinking of him in that beauty. I have had a fear +of its being a temptation, for work of the imagination it could not +possibly be. [<a href="#r9note22">22</a>]</p> +<p><a name="r9.27">27</a>. The day after the presentation of the +Brief, [<a href="#r9note23">23</a>] as I was in the most eager +expectation, which utterly disturbed me, so that I could not even +pray,--for I had been told that our father was in great straits +because they would not let him come away, and that there was a great +tumult,--I heard these words: "O woman of little faith, be quiet; +everything is going on perfectly well." It was the Feast of the +Presentation of our Lady, in the year 1575. I resolved within myself, +if our Lady obtained from her Son that we might see ourselves and our +father free of these friars, to ask him to order the solemn +celebration of that feast every year in our monasteries of the +Barefooted Carmelites. When I made this resolution, I did not +remember what I had heard in a former vision, that he would establish +this solemnity. Now, in reading again this little paper, I think this +must be the feast referred to. [<a href="#r9note24">24</a>]</p> +<hr title="Notes"> +<p><small><a name="r9note1">1</a>. F. Yepes, then prior of <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Jerome's, Toledo (<cite>De +la Fuente</cite>).</small></p> +<p><small><a name="r9note2">2</a>. Don Alonzo Velasquez, canon of +Toledo, to whom <a href="#r11.0">Relation xi.</a> is addressed. +The Saint speaks of this in a letter to Fra Gratian in 1576. The +letter is numbered 82 in the edition of Don Vicente, and 23 in the +fourth volume of the edition of Doblado.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="r9note3">3</a>. Fra Jerome Gratian (<cite>De +la Fuente</cite>).</small></p> +<p><small><a name="r9note4">4</a>. 1 <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> +Peter iv. 13: <span lang="la">"Communicantes Christi +passionibus, gaudete."</span></small></p> +<p><small><a name="r9note5">5</a>. This took place in 1575, when she +was going to found her monastery in Seville (<cite>Ribera</cite>, l. +iv. c. v. n. 110).</small></p> +<p><small><a name="r9note6">6</a>. See <a href="#r9.4">§ 4</a>, +above.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="r9note7">7</a>. This was in 1575, when the Saint +was founding the monastery of Seville; and the brother was Don +Lorenzo, returned from the Indies, and who now placed himself under +the direction of his sister (<cite>De la Fuente</cite>).</small></p> +<p><small><a name="r9note8">8</a>. In the Chapter <cite +lang="es">"De la Clausura,"</cite> § 16: <span +lang="es">"De tratar con deudos se desvien lo mas +que pudieren."</span></small></p> +<p><small><a name="r9note9">9</a>. The monastery of Paterna, of the +unreformed Carmelites. This was in 1576 (<cite>De +la Fuente</cite>).</small></p> +<p><small><a name="r9note10">10</a>. <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> +Matt. xvi. 16: <span lang="la">"Tu es Christus, Filius +Dei vivi."</span></small></p> +<p><small><a name="r9note11">11</a>. Gen. i. 26: <span +lang="la">"Ad imaginem et +similitudinem Nostram."</span></small></p> +<p><small><a name="r9note12">12</a>. Fra Jerome Gratian. This took +place during the persecution that fell on the reformed Carmelites at +the end of the year 1575, and during the following year. See <a +href="#r9.27">the last paragraph of this Relation</a> (<cite>De la +Fuente</cite>; see, also, <a href="#r6.1">Relation +vi. § 1</a>).</small></p> +<p><small><a name="r9note13">13</a>. Galat. ii. 20: <span +lang="la">"Vivo autem, jam non ego: vivit vero in +me Christus."</span></small></p> +<p><small><a name="r9note14">14</a>. A.D. 1577 (<cite>De +la Fuente</cite>).</small></p> +<p><small><a name="r9note15">15</a>. Jerome Gratian +(<i lang="la"><abbr title="idem">id.</abbr></i>).</small></p> +<p><small><a name="r9note16">16</a>. 1 Cor. x. 13: <span +lang="la">"Fidelis autem Deus est qui non patietur vos tentari +supra id quod potestis."</span></small></p> +<p><small><a name="r9note17">17</a>. Don Vicente says, that here is a +proof--if any were wanting--that the Saint wrote this after her +sojourn in Seville; because in Avila and in Castile and Aragon the +expression is, "our Lady of Dolors;" while in Andalucia it is +our Lady of Anguish--<span lang="es">"Nuestra Señora de +las Angustias."</span></small></p> +<p><small><a name="r9note18">18</a>. Fra Jerome Gratian.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="r9note19">19</a>. Cant. v. 1.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="r9note20">20</a>. This was the name given to Fra +Jerome Gratian, when the Saint was driven, by the persecution raised +against her, to distinguish her friends by other designations than +those by which they were usually known: this fragment cannot have been +written before the year 1578 (<cite>De la Fuente</cite>).</small></p> +<p><small><a name="r9note21">21</a>. See <a href="#r9.27">the +last section</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="r9note22">22</a>. Don Vicente published <a +href="#r9.25">§§ 25</a> and <a href="#r9.26">26</a> as fragments +separately (vol. i. pp. 524-526); but, as they seem to form a part of +the series of events spoken of in this Relation, they have been +placed here.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="r9note23">23</a>. Fra Jerome Gratian exhibited the +brief which made him Visitor-Apostolic to the unreformed Carmelites, +who were very angry thereat, and rude in their vexation.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="r9note24">24</a>. See <a +href="#r9.26">§ 26</a>.</small></p> +<hr title="Text"> +<h3><a name="r10.0">Relation X.</a></h3> +<p><big>Of a Revelation to the Saint at Avila, 1579, and of Certain +Directions Concerning the Government of the Order.</big></p> +<p>In <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Joseph of Avila, on Pentecost +eve, in the hermitage of Nazareth, thinking of one of the greatest +graces our Lord had given me on that day some twenty years +before, [<a href="#r10note1">1</a>] more or less, my spirit was +vehemently stirred and grew hot within me, [<a href="#r10note2">2</a>] +and I fell into a trance. In that profound recollection I heard our +Lord say what I am now going to tell: I was to say to the Barefooted +Fathers, as from Him, that they must strive to observe four things; +and that so long as they observed them, the Order would increase more +and more; and if they neglected them, they should know that they were +falling away from their first estate.</p> +<p>The first is, the superiors of the monasteries are to be of +one mind.</p> +<p>The second, even if they have many monasteries, to have but +few friars in each.</p> +<p>The third, to converse little with people in the world, and +that only for the good of their souls.</p> +<p>The fourth, to teach more by works than by words.</p> +<p>This happened in the year 1579; and because it is a great +truth, I have put my name to it.</p> +<p>Teresa de Jesús.</p> +<hr title="Notes"> +<p><small><a name="r10note1">1</a>. See <a +href="#l38.11"><cite>Life</cite>, ch. xxxviii. +§ 11</a>.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="r10note2">2</a>. Psalm xxxviii. 3: <span +lang="la">"Concaluit cor meum intra me."</span></small></p> +<hr title="Text"> +<h3><a name="r11.0">Relation XI.</a></h3> +<p><big>Written from Palencia in May 1581, and Addressed to Don Alonzo +Velasquez, Bishop of Osma, Who Had Been, When Canon of Toledo, One of +the Saint's Confessors. [<a href="#r11note1">1</a>]</big></p> +<p>Jesus.</p> +<p><a name="r11.1">1</a>. Oh, that I could clearly explain to your +Lordship the peace and quiet my soul has found! for it has so great a +certainty of the fruition of God, that it seems to be as if already in +possession, [<a href="#r11note2">2</a>] though the joy is withheld. I +am as one to whom another has granted by deed a large revenue, into +the enjoyment and use of which he is to come at a certain time, but +until then has nothing but the right already given him to the revenue. +In gratitude for this, my soul would abstain from the joy of it, +because it has not deserved it; it wishes only to serve Him, even if +in great suffering, and at times it thinks it would be very little if, +till the end of the world, it had to serve Him who has given it this +right; for, in truth, it is in some measure no longer subject, as +before, to the miseries of this world; though it suffers more, it +seems as if only the habit were struck, for my soul is, as it were, in +a fortress with authority, and accordingly does not lose its peace. +Still, this confidence does not remove from it its great fear of +offending God, nor make it less careful to put away every hindrance to +His service, yea, rather, it is more careful than before. But it is +so forgetful of its own interests as to seem, in some measure, to have +lost itself, so forgetful of self is it in this. Everything is +directed to the honour of God, to the doing of His will more and +more, and the advancement of His glory.</p> +<p><a name="r11.2">2</a>. Though this be so, yet, in all that relates +to health and the care of the body, it seems to me that I am more +careful than I was, that I mortify myself less in my food, and do +fewer penances: it is not so with the desires I had; they seem to be +greater. All this is done that I may be the better able to serve God +in other things, for I offer to Him very often, as a great sacrifice, +the care I take of my body, and that wearies me much, and I try it +sometimes in acts of mortification; but, after all, this cannot be +done without losing health, and I must not neglect what my superiors +command. Herein, and in the wish for health, much self-love also must +insinuate itself; but, as it seems to me, I feel that it would give me +more pleasure, and it gave me more pleasure when I was strong, to do +penance, for, at least, I seemed to be doing something, and was giving +a good example, and I was free from the vexation which arises out of +the fact that I am not serving God at all. Your Lordship will see +what it will be best to do in the matter.</p> +<p><a name="r11.3">3</a>. The imaginary visions have ceased, but the +intellectual vision of the Three Persons and of the Sacred Humanity +seems ever present, and that, I believe, is a vision of a much higher +kind; and I understand now, so I think, that the visions I had came +from God, because they prepared my soul for its present state; they +were given only because I was so wretched and so weak: God led me by +the way which He saw was necessary; but they are, in my opinion, of +great worth when they come from God.</p> +<p><a name="r11.4">4</a>. The interior locutions have not left me, +for, whenever it is necessary, our Lord gives me certain directions; +and now, in Palencia, were it not for these, there would have been +committed a great blunder, though not +a sin. [<a href="#r11note3">3</a>]</p> +<p><a name="r11.5">5</a>. The acts and desires do not seem to be so +vigorous as they used to be, for, though they are great, I have one +much greater to see the will of God accomplished and His glory +increased; for as the soul is well aware that His Majesty knoweth what +is expedient herein, and is so far removed from all self-seeking, +these acts and desires quickly end, and, as it seems to me, have no +strength. Hence the fear I have at times though without disquietude +and pain as formerly, that my soul is dulled, and that I am doing +nothing, because I can do no penance; acts of desire for suffering, +for martyrdom, and of the vision of God, have no strength in them, +and, most frequently, I cannot make them. I seem to live only for +eating and drinking, and avoiding pain in everything; and yet this +gives me none, except that sometimes, as I said before, I am afraid +that this is a delusion; but I cannot believe it, because so far as I +can see, I am not under the sway of any strong attachment to any +created thing, not even to all the bliss of heaven, but only to the +love of God; and this does not grow less,--on the contrary, I believe +it is growing, together with the longing that all men may +serve Him.</p> +<p><a name="r11.6">6</a>. But, for all this, one thing amazes me: I +have not the feelings I had formerly, so strong and so interior, which +tormented me when I saw souls go to their ruin, and when I used to +think I had offended God. I cannot have these feelings now, though I +believe my desire that God be not sinned against is not less than +it was.</p> +<p><a name="r11.7">7</a>. Your Lordship must consider that in all +this, in my present as well as in my previous state, I can do no more, +and that it is not in my power to serve Him better: I might do so, if +I were not so wicked. I may say, also, that if I were now to make +great efforts to wish to die, I could not, nor can I make the acts I +used to make, nor feel the pains I felt for having offended God, nor +the great fears I had for so many years when <a name="page479">I</a> +thought I was under a delusion: and accordingly, I have no need of +learned men, or of speaking to anybody at all, only to satisfy myself +that I am going the right road now, and whether I can do anything. I +have consulted certain persons on this point, with whom I had taken +counsel on the others, with Fra Dominic [i.e., Bañes], the Master +Medina, and certain members of the Society. I will be satisfied with +the answer which you, my Lord, may give me, because of the great trust +I have in your Lordship. Consider it carefully, for the love of God! +Neither do I cease to learn that certain souls of people connected +with me when they died are in heaven: of others I learn nothing. Oh, +in what solitude I find myself when I consider that the comparison of +which I spoke to you, concerning the return from Egypt, does not apply +to the child at my mother's breast. [<a href="#r11note4">4</a>]</p> +<p><a name="r11.8">8</a>. I am at peace within; and my likings and +dislikings have so little power to take from me the Presence of the +Three Persons, of which, while it continues, it is so impossible to +doubt, that I seem clearly to know by experience what is recorded by +<abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> John, that God will make His dwelling +in the soul: [<a href="#r11note5">5</a>] and not only by grace, but +because He will have the soul feel that presence, and it brings with +it so many blessings, particularly this, that there is no need to run +after reflections to learn that God is there. This is almost always +the state I am in, except when my great infirmities oppress me. +Sometimes, God will have me suffer without any inward comfort; but my +will never swerves--not even in its first movements--from the will of +God. This resignation to His will is so efficacious, that I desire +neither life nor death, except for some moments, when I long to see +God; and then the Presence of the Three Persons becomes so distinct as +to relieve the pain of the absence, and I wish to live--if such be His +good pleasure--to serve Him still longer. And if I might help, by my +prayers, to make but one soul love Him more, and praise Him, and that +only for a short time, I think that of more importance than to dwell +in glory.</p> +<p>The unworthy servant and daughter of your Lordship,<br> +Teresa de Jesús.</p> +<hr title="Notes"> +<p><small><a name="r11note1">1</a>. This Relation is usually printed +among the letters of the Saint, and Don Vicente did not change the +practice, assigning as his reason the Saint's reference in <a +href="#r11.4">§ 4</a> to certain transactions in which she was +engaged. The letter is the 333rd (336th in the second edition), and +the 4th of vol. ii., ed. Doblado, and is probably the latest account +of the state of her soul, for she died on October 4 in the +following year.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="r11note2">2</a>. See <cite>Inner Fortress</cite>, +vii. ch. ii.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="r11note3">3</a>. This relates to the taking of the +hermitage of our Lady de la Calle, in Palencia (<cite>De la +Fuente</cite>). See <cite>Foundations</cite>, ch. xxix.</small></p> +<p><small><a name="r11note4">4</a>. <span lang="es">"La soledad +que me hace pensar no se puede dar aquel sentido à el que mama los +pechos de mi madre, la ida de Egito!"</span> This passage, Don +Vicente observes, was omitted in all editions prior to his; he does +not know what it means; and the translator can give no corresponding +English words. [Transcriber's note: The Spanish quoted here was +printed in the body of the text, <a href="#page479"><abbr +title="page">p.</abbr> 479</a>; English rendition supplied from <i +lang="la">Corrigenda</i>, <abbr +title="page">p.</abbr> [viii].]</small></p> +<p><small><a name="r11note5">5</a>. <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> +John xiv. 23: <span lang="la">"Mansionem apud +eum faciemus."</span></small></p> +<hr title="Text"> +<h2><a name="bkindex">Index.</a></h2> +<p>Abecedario, Tercer, <a href="#l4.8">iv. 8</a>.</p> +<p>Agony in raptures, <a href="#l20.15">xx. 15</a>.</p> +<p>Ahumada, de, Antonio, <a href="#l4.1">iv. 1</a>.</p> +<p>Ahumada, de, Doña Beatriz, mother of <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Teresa, death of, <a +href="#l1.7">i. 7</a>; seen in heaven by the Saint, <a +href="#l38.1">xxxviii. 1</a>.</p> +<p>Ahumada, de, Juana, sister of the Saint, <a +href="#l33.13">xxxiii. 13</a>.</p> +<p>Alcala, monastery founded in, <a +href="#l36note33">xxxvi. 29, note</a>.</p> +<p>Alcantara. See <a href="#peteralc"><abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Peter of Alcantara</a>.</p> +<p>Almsgiving of the Saint, <a href="#l1.6">i. 6</a>, <a +href="#r2.3">Rel. ii. 3</a>.</p> +<p>Alvarez, F. Baltasar, <a href="#l24.6">xxiv. 6</a>, <a +href="#l25.18">xxv. 18</a>; mortifies the Saint, <a +href="#l26.4">xxvi. 4</a>; humility of, <a +href="#l28.20">xxviii. 20</a>; promise of, to protect the +Saint, <a href="#l28.21">xxviii. 21</a>; always consoled +the Saint, <a href="#l29.5">xxix. 5</a>; hesitates about +the new foundation, <a href="#l32.16">xxxii. 16</a>; +commands the Saint to abandon it, <a +href="#l33.4">xxxiii. 4</a>; orders her to proceed, <a +href="#l33.13">xxxiii. 13</a>.</p> +<p>Alvarez, F. Rodrigo, <a href="#r8.0">Rel. viii</a>.</p> +<p>Amendment of life, the work of prayer, <a +href="#l8.6">viii. 6-12</a>.</p> +<p>Amusements, <a href="#l7.1">vii. 1</a>, <a +href="#r1.14">Rel. i. 14</a>.</p> +<p>Angels and evil spirits, vision of, <a +href="#l31.11">xxxi. 11</a>.</p> +<p>Angel, the Saint's vision of the, <a +href="#l29.16">xxix. 16-18</a>.</p> +<p>Answers to the Saint's prayers, <a href="#l39.1">xxxix. +1-7</a>.</p> +<p>Antony, <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr>, of Padua, <a +href="#l22.10">xxii. 10</a>.</p> +<p>Aranda, de, Don Gonzalo, <a +href="#l36.18">xxxvi. 18</a>.</p> +<p>Aridity, how it comes on in the second state of prayer, <a +href="#l15.15">xv. 15</a>.</p> +<p>Art, the, of serving God, <a +href="#l12.2">xii. 2</a>.</p> +<p>Ascent of the Mount, <a +href="#l23.13">xxiii. 13</a>.</p> +<p>Assumption, the, vision of, <a +href="#l39.37">xxxix. 37</a>.</p> +<p>Attachments, evil effects of worldly, <a +href="#l11.5">xi. 5</a>; <a +href="#l23.5">xxiii. 5</a>.</p> +<p>Augustin, <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr>, Confessions of, <a +href="#l9.8">ix. 8</a>; effect of reading them on the Saint, +<a href="#l9.9">ix. 9</a>; saying of, <a +href="#l13.4">xiii. 4</a>.</p> +<p>Avila, birthplace of <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Teresa, +troubled by the new foundation: <a +href="#l36.14">xxxvi. 14</a>.</p> +<p>Avila, <i><abbr title="Blessed">Bl.</abbr></i>, Juan of, <a +href="#r7.9">Rel. vii. 9</a>.</p> +<p>Báñes, Fr. <abbr title="Domingo">Dom.</abbr>, <a +href="#l36.15">xxxvi. 15</a>; transmits the Saint's +writings to the Inquisition, <a +href="#r7.16">Rel. vii. 16</a>.</p> +<p>Barrientos. See <a href="#guzmanyb">Martin</a>.</p> +<p>Barron, Fra Vicente, confessor of the Saint's father, <a +href="#l7.26">vii. 26</a>; hears the confession of the +Saint, <a href="#l7.27">vii. 27</a>, <a +href="#l19.19">xix. 19</a>.</p> +<p>Beauty of our Lord, <a href="#l28.2">xxviii. 2</a>, <a +href="#l29.2">xxix. 2</a>, <a +href="#l37.5">xxxvii. 5</a>; unimaginable, <a +href="#l38.7">xxviii. 7</a>.</p> +<p>Beginners, must toil, <a href="#l11.13">xi. 13</a>; and +persevere, <a href="#l11.15">xi. 15-17</a>; not to be +afraid of the cross, <a href="#l11.25">xi. 25</a>; must be +content, <a href="#l12.2">xii. 2</a>; certain temptations +of, <a href="#l7.16">vii. 16</a>, <a +href="#l13.9">xiii. 9</a>; must begin humbly, <a +href="#l15.19">xv. 19</a>.</p> +<p>Bernard, <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr>, <a +href="#l22.10">xxii. 10</a>.</p> +<p>Betrothal spiritual, of the Saint, <a +href="#r9.8">Rel. ix. 8</a>, <a +href="#r9.25">25</a>.</p> +<p>Bird, the soul likened to a, <a +href="#l18.13">xviii. 13</a>, <a +href="#l19.22">xix. 22</a>.</p> +<p>Bishopric, a, the Saint consulted about the acceptance of, <a +href="#l40.21">xl. 21</a>.</p> +<p>Blessed, the, joys of, <a href="#l10.3">x. 3</a>.</p> +<p>Blindness healed through the prayer of the Saint, <a +href="#l39.1">xxxix. 1</a>.</p> +<p>Body, the, shares the joy of the soul in certain states of prayer, +<a href="#l17.14">xvii. 14</a>, <a +href="#l18.15">xviii. 15</a>; state of, in raptures, <a +href="#l20.2">xx. 2</a>, <a href="#l20.4">4</a>, +<a href="#l20.23">23</a>; our Lord seen by the Saint always +in His glorified, <a href="#l29.4">xxix. 4</a>.</p> +<p>Book, a living, <a href="#l26.6">xxvi. 6</a>.</p> +<p>Books insufficient without a director, <a +href="#l22.3">xxii. 3</a>.</p> +<p>Borja, de, <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Francis. See <a +href="#francisb">Francis</a>.</p> +<p>Brief, the, sanctioning the observances of <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Joseph's, <a +href="#l34.2">xxxiv. 2</a>, <a +href="#l36.1">xxxvi. 1</a>, <a +href="#l39.20">xxxix. 20</a>.</p> +<p>Brizeño, Doña Maria, <a href="#l2.12">ii. 12</a>; +influences the Saint, <a href="#l3.1">iii. 1</a>.</p> +<p>Bulls, the Sabbatine, <a +href="#l38.40">xxxviii. 40</a>.</p> +<p>Cardona, de, Doña Catalina, <a href="#r3.12">Rel. iii. +12</a>.</p> +<p>Carmel, the Order of, vision concerning, <a +href="#r3.14">Rel. iii. 14</a>; advice to, <a +href="#r10.0">Rel. x</a>.</p> +<p>Caterpillar of self-respect, <a +href="#l31.24">xxxi. 24</a>.</p> +<p>Catherine, <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr>, of Siena, <a +href="#l22.10">xxii. 10</a>.</p> +<p>Censoriousness of the world, <a +href="#l31.19">xxxi. 19</a>.</p> +<p>Cepeda, de, Alfonso Sanchez, father of the Saint, fond of spiritual +books, <a href="#l1.1">i. 1</a>; gives his daughter Maria in +marriage, <a href="#l2note2">ii. 4, note</a>, <a +href="#l2.8">8</a>; places the Saint at school in a +monastery, <a href="#l2.8">ii. 8</a>; would not consent to +her becoming a nun, <a href="#l3.9">iii. 9</a>; takes her to +Bezadas to be cured, <a href="#l5.5">v. 5, 6</a>; brings her +to his house in Avila, <a href="#l5.15">v. 15</a>; hinders +her from making her confession in an illness, <a +href="#l5.17">v. 17</a>; persuaded by the Saint to practise +mental prayer, <a href="#l7.16">vii. 16</a>; makes progress +therein, <a href="#l7.20">vii. 20</a>; holy death of, <a +href="#l7.22">vii. 22-25</a>; seen in heaven by the Saint, +<a href="#l38.1">xxxviii. 1</a>.</p> +<p>Cepeda, de, Don Lorenzo, finds money for the new monastery of <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Joseph, <a +href="#l33.13">xxxiii. 13</a>.</p> +<p>Cepeda, de, Maria, sister of the Saint, <a +href="#l2.4">ii. 4</a>; sudden death of, <a +href="#l34.24">xxxiv. 24</a>; seen in heaven by the Saint, +<a href="#l34.25">xxxiv. 25</a>.</p> +<p>Cerda, de la, Doña Luisa, <a href="#l34.1">xxxiv. 1</a>; +attracted by the Saint, <a href="#l34.4">xxxiv. 4</a>; +visited by <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Peter of Alcantara, <a +href="#l35.6">xxxv. 6</a>; tries to amuse the Saint by +showing her diamonds, <a href="#l38.5">xxxviii. 5</a>; the +Saint's watchfulness over herself in the house of, <a +href="#l39.11">xxxix. 11</a>.</p> +<p>Cheerfulness, importance of, <a +href="#l12.1">xii. 1</a>.</p> +<p>Cherubim, <a href="#l29.16">xxix. 16</a>.</p> +<p>Choice of a director, <a +href="#l13.28">xiii. 28, 29</a>.</p> +<p>Church, the, ceremonies of, <a +href="#l31.4">xxxi. 4</a>; the Saint's reverence for, <a +href="#l33.6">xxxiii. 6</a>.</p> +<p>Clare, <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr>, encourages the Saint, <a +href="#l33.15">xxxiii. 15</a>.</p> +<p>Comforts, worldly, the Saint's fear of, <a +href="#l34.4">xxxiv. 4</a>.</p> +<p>Communion, effects of the Saint's, <a href="#l16.3">xvi. +3-10</a>, <a href="#l18.10">xviii. 10-18</a>, <a +href="#l30.16">xxx. 16</a>, <a +href="#l38.24">xxxviii. 24</a>, <a +href="#r4.5">Rel. iv. 5</a>, <a href="#r9.13">Rel. +ix. 13</a>; the Saint's longing for, <a +href="#l39.31">xxxix. 31</a>; graces of, <a +href="#r9.20">Rel. ix. 20</a>.</p> +<p>Complaint, loving, of the Saint, <a +href="#l37.13">xxxvii. 13</a>.</p> +<p>Confession, frequent, of the Saint, <a href="#l5.17">v. +17</a>; matter of, <a href="#r5.11">Rel. v. 11</a>.</p> +<p>Confessors, the Saint's difficulty in finding, <a +href="#l4.8">iv. 8</a>, <a href="#l4.13">13</a>; +harm done by ill-instructed, <a href="#l5.6">v. 6</a>, <a +href="#l5.20">20</a>, <a href="#l6.6">vi. 6</a>; +one of them misleads the Saint, <a +href="#l8.15">viii. 15</a>; unskilful, <a +href="#l20.28">xx. 28</a>; wrong counsel of, <a +href="#l26.5">xxvi. 5</a>; of the Saint harsh with her, <a +href="#l30.15">xxx. 15</a>; obedience of the Saint to her, +<a href="#l23.19">xxiii. 19</a>, <a +href="#l33.4">xxxiii. 4, 5</a>, <a +href="#r1.9">Rel, i. 9</a>; the Saint rebuked for her +affection to her, <a href="#l37.6">xxxvii. 6</a>; names of +the Saint's, <a href="#r7.5">Rel. vii. 5</a>, <a +href="#r7.11">11, 12, 13</a>.</p> +<p>Consecration, power of the words of, <a +href="#l38.30">xxxviii. 30</a>.</p> +<p>Consolations, <a href="#l11.21">xi. 21</a>; not to be +sought for, <a href="#l22.15">xxii. 15</a>.</p> +<p>Contemplation, <a href="#l22.1">xxii. 1</a>; why granted +to imperfect souls, <a href="#l22.22">xxii. 22, 23</a>.</p> +<p>Contempt, Satan shuns, <a href="#l31.10">xxxi. 10</a>; +the Saint directed to treat her visions with, <a +href="#l29.6">xxix. 6</a>.</p> +<p>Contradiction of good people, <a +href="#l28.24">xxviii. 24</a>, <a +href="#l30.6">xxx. 6</a>.</p> +<p>Conversation, worldly, <a href="#l7.10">vii. 10</a>; +danger of, <a href="#l2.5">ii. 5</a>, <a +href="#l7.10">vii. 10</a>; delight of our Lord in spiritual, +<a href="#l34.20">xxxiv. 20</a>.</p> +<p>Conversion of a wicked priest, <a +href="#l5.12">v. 12</a>; of a sinner, <a +href="#l39.5">xxxix. 5</a>.</p> +<p>Courage of the Saint, <a href="#l8.10">viii. 10</a>; +necessity of, <a href="#l10.8">x. 8</a>; effects of, <a +href="#l13.3">xiii. 3</a>; necessary in the way of +perfection, <a href="#l31.19">xxxi. 19</a>.</p> +<p>Covetousness, <a href="#l33.14">xxxiii. 14</a>.</p> +<p>Cowardice, spiritual, <a href="#l13.6">xiii. 6</a>.</p> +<p>Creator, the, traces of, in things visible, <a +href="#l9.6">ix. 6</a>.</p> +<p>Crosses, <a href="#l11.8">xi. 8</a>; desired by souls in +the prayer of imperfect union, <a +href="#l16.9">xvi. 9</a>.</p> +<p>Cross, the, way of, <a href="#l11.8">xi. 8</a>, <a +href="#l15.17">xv. 17</a>, <a +href="#l15.21">21</a>; necessity of carrying, <a +href="#l27.14">xxvii. 14</a>.</p> +<p>Daza, Gaspar, <a href="#l23.6">xxiii. 6</a>; thought the +Saint was deluded by an evil spirit, <a +href="#l23.16">xxiii. 16</a>; approved of the new +foundation, <a href="#l32.21">xxxii. 21</a>.</p> +<p>Delusion, a, into which the Saint fell, <a +href="#l22.3">xxii. 3</a>; the Saint always prayed to be +delivered from, <a href="#l29.6">xxix. 6</a>.</p> +<p>Delusions incidental to locutions, <a href="#l25.3">xxv. +3</a>, <a href="#l25.11">11</a>.</p> +<p>Desires, good, <a href="#l13.8">xiii. 8</a>, <a +href="#l21.9">xxi. 9</a>, <a +href="#r11.5">Rel. xi. 5</a>.</p> +<p>Desolation, spiritual, of the Saint, <a +href="#l30.10">xxx. 10</a>.</p> +<p>Detachment, blessing of, <a href="#l11.2">xi. 2</a>, <a +href="#l34.20">xxxiv. 20</a>; necessity of, for prayer, <a +href="#l11.16">xi. 16</a>, <a +href="#l15.17">xv. 17</a>; of the perfect, <a +href="#l15.18">xv. 18</a>; an effect of raptures, <a +href="#l18.8">xviii. 8</a>, <a +href="#l20.10">xx. 10</a>; takes away the fear of death, <a +href="#l38.7">xxxviii. 7</a>; the Saint's, from kindred, <a +href="#l31.22">xxxi. 22</a>, <a +href="#r2.5">Rel. ii. 5</a>, <a +href="#r9.11">Rel. ix. 11</a>; from directors, <a +href="#r4.3">Rel. iv. 3</a>.</p> +<p>Detraction, avoided by the Saint, <a +href="#l6.4">vi. 4</a>, <a +href="#l7.3">vii. 3</a>; insensibility to, <a +href="#r2.4">Rel. ii. 4</a>.</p> +<p>Detractors, the Saint prays for her, <a +href="#l19.11">xix. 11</a>.</p> +<p>Devotion, sweetness in, never asked for by the Saint, <a +href="#l9.10">ix. 10</a>; but once, <a +href="#l9.11">ix. 11</a>; those who seek it censured, <a +href="#l11.21">xi. 21</a>; the Saint's, increased by +difficulties, <a href="#l28.10">xxviii. 10</a>.</p> +<p>Die, either to, or suffer, <a +href="#l40.27">xl. 27</a>.</p> +<p>Direction, unskilful, <a href="#l8.15">viii. 15, 16</a>; +importance of, <a href="#l13.4">xiii. 4</a>; methods of +wrong, <a href="#l13.25">xiii. 25</a>; not to be the same +for all, <a href="#l39.16">xxxix. 16</a>.</p> +<p>Directors ought to be experienced, <a +href="#l13.21">xiii. 21</a>; and prudent, <a +href="#l13.24">xiii. 24</a>; and learned, <a +href="#l13.26">xiii. 26</a>; choice of, <a +href="#l13.28">xiii. 28</a>; charity of, <a +href="#l13.29">xiii. 29</a>; should be secret, <a +href="#l23.14">xxiii. 14</a>; and humble, <a +href="#l34.15">xxxiv. 15</a>; should be trusted, <a +href="#l39.35">xxxix. 35</a>; necessary, <a +href="#l40.12">xl. 12</a>; the Saint preferred those who +distrusted her, <a href="#r7.18">Rel. vii. 18</a>.</p> +<p>Discouragements, <a href="#l11.15">xi. 15</a>; must be +resisted, <a href="#l19.6">xix. 6</a>; certain causes of, +<a href="#l31.21">xxxi. 21</a>.</p> +<p>Discretion, <a href="#l11.23">xi. 23</a>, <a +href="#l13.2">xiii. 2</a>; excessive, <a +href="#l13.8">xiii. 8</a>.</p> +<p>Distraction of the understanding in the prayer of quiet, <a +href="#l15.10">xv. 10</a>, <a +href="#l30.19">xxx. 19</a>; in monasteries not caused by +poverty, <a href="#l35.3">xxxv. 3</a>.</p> +<p>Distrust of self, <a href="#l8.18">viii. 18</a>, <a +href="#l9.3">ix. 3</a>; necessity of, <a +href="#l19.20">xix. 20</a>.</p> +<p><span lang="la">"Domine, da mihi aquam,"</span> <a +href="#l30.24">xxx. 24</a>.</p> +<p>Dominicans, the, help <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Teresa, <a +href="#l5.8">v. 8</a>, <a +href="#r7.11">Rel. vii. 11-14</a>.</p> +<p>Dominion, true, <a href="#l40.21">xl. 21</a>.</p> +<p>Dove, vision of a, <a +href="#l38.13">xxxviii. 13, 14</a>.</p> +<p>Ecija, vow of the Saint in the hermitage of, <a +href="#r6.3">Rel. vi. 3</a>.</p> +<p>Ecstasy, <a href="#l20.1">xx. 1</a>; how wrought, <a +href="#l20.2">xx. 2</a>; fear during, <a +href="#l20.9">xx. 9</a>; first, of the Saint, <a +href="#l24.7">xxiv. 7</a>.</p> +<p>Egypt, flesh-pots of, <a href="#l15.5">xv. 5</a>.</p> +<p>Elevation of the spirit not to be attempted in union, <a +href="#l18.8">xviii. 8</a>.</p> +<p>Eliseus. See <a href="#jgracian">Jerome, Fra, of the Mother +of God</a>.</p> +<p>Enclosure, observance of, how important, <a +href="#l7.5">vii. 5</a>.</p> +<p>Endowments not accepted by the Saint for her monasteries, <a +href="#l35.4">xxxv. 4, 5</a>; offered for <abbr +title="Saint">St.</abbr> Joseph, <a +href="#l36.19">xxxvi. 19</a>; and forbidden by a Brief, <a +href="#l39.20">xxxix. 20</a>.</p> +<p>Envy, a holy, <a href="#l39.19">xxxix. 19</a>.</p> +<p>Exorcisms, the Saint threatened with, <cite><abbr +title="Bollandists">Boll.</abbr></cite> 211, <a +href="#l29.4">xxix. 4</a>.</p> +<p>Experience, more valuable than books, <a +href="#l14.10">xiv. 10</a>; a safeguard against delusion, +<a href="#l14.11">xiv. 11</a>.</p> +<p>Faith, the, Satan was never able to make the Saint doubt, <a +href="#l19.13">xix. 13</a>; blessed effects of, <a +href="#l25.16">xxv. 16</a>.</p> +<p>Falls turn to our good, <a href="#l19.8">xix. 8</a>.</p> +<p>Fear, <a href="#l25.27">xxv. 27</a>; of God, <a +href="#l26.1">xxvi. 1</a>.</p> +<p>Founders of religious Orders, <a +href="#l32.17">xxxii. 17</a>.</p> +<p>Francis, <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr>, <a +href="#l22.10">xxii. 10</a>.</p> +<p><a name="francisb">Francis, <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr>, de +Borja</a> visits the Saint, <a href="#l24.4">xxiv. 4</a>; +consulted by her, <a href="#r7.5">Rel. vii. 5</a>.</p> +<p>Friendship, advantages of spiritual, <a +href="#l7.33">vii. 33-37</a>, <a +href="#l30.6">xxx. 6</a>; with God, <a +href="#l15.8">xv. 8</a>; the Saint's detachment from, <a +href="#l24.8">xxiv. 8</a>.</p> +<p>Friendship, worldly, dangers of, <a +href="#l2.4">ii. 4</a>, <a href="#l5.9">v. 9</a>; +deceitfulness of, <a href="#l21.1">xxi. 1</a>.</p> +<p>Garden, the prayer in the, <a href="#l9.5">ix. 5</a>; the +soul likened to a, <a href="#l11.10">xi. 10</a>, <a +href="#l14.13">xiv. 13</a>.</p> +<p>Gifts of God, the, importance of discerning, <a +href="#l10.4">x. 4</a>; demand our gratitude, <a +href="#l10.7">x. 7</a>; supply strength, <a +href="#l10.8">x. 8</a>; a grace to understand, <a +href="#l17.7">xvii. 7</a>; the Saint erroneously advised to +conceal, <a href="#l26.5">xxvi. 5</a>; given according to +His will, <a href="#l34.14">xxxiv. 14</a>, <a +href="#l39.12">xxxix. 12</a>; the Saint's joy when others +received, <a href="#l34.21">xxxiv. 21</a>.</p> +<p>God, sense of the presence of, <a +href="#l10.1">x. 1</a>; helps those who love Him, <a +href="#l11.19">xi. 19</a>; never fails those who trust Him, +<a href="#l13.15">xiii. 15</a>; munificence of, <a +href="#l18.5">xviii. 5</a>; the Saint has a vision of, <a +href="#l40.13">xl. 13, 14</a>; pain of absence from, <a +href="#r4.6">Rel. iv. 6</a>.</p> +<p>Grace, prayer the door of, <a href="#l8.13">viii. 13</a>; +comes after trials, <a href="#l11.18">xi. 18</a>; the +Saint's distress because she could not know whether she was in a state +of, <a href="#l34.12">xxxiv. 12</a>; vision of a soul in, +<a href="#r3.13">Rel. iii. 13</a>.</p> +<p>Guzman, de, y Barrientos, Don Martin, sudden death of, <a +href="#l34.24">xxxiv. 24</a>.</p> +<p>Hardships of the religious life, <a href="#l13.30">xiii. +30</a>.</p> +<p>Health, anxiety about, <a href="#l5.3">v. 3-8</a>; +importance of, in the spiritual life, <a +href="#l11.23">xi. 23</a>; to be made little of, <a +href="#l13.9">xiii. 9</a>.</p> +<p>Heaven, Queen of, <a href="#l19.9">xix. 9</a>; revealed +in raptures, <a href="#l33.16">xxxiii. 16</a>, <a +href="#l38.8">xxxviii. 8</a>.</p> +<p>Hell, a vision of, <a href="#l30.14">xxx. 14</a>, <a +href="#l32.1">xxxii. 1</a>; effects of, on the Saint, <a +href="#l32.7">xxxii. 7-10</a>.</p> +<p>Heretics, self-condemned, <a href="#l7.8">vii. 8</a>; +evil state of, <a href="#l32.9">xxxii. 9</a>; resemble a +broken mirror, <a href="#l40.9">xl. 9</a>.</p> +<p>Hilarion, <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr>, the Saint commends +herself to, <a href="#l27.2">xxvii. 2</a>.</p> +<p>Honour, point of, <a href="#l21.12">xxi. 12</a>.</p> +<p>Hugo, Fra, Cardinal of Santa Sabina, <a +href="#l36.27">xxxvi. 27</a>.</p> +<p>Humanity, the Sacred, <a href="#l12.3">xii. 3</a>, <a +href="#l22.1">xxii. 1</a>; mistake of the Saint concerning, +<a href="#l22.3">xxii. 3</a>; source of all grace, <a +href="#l22.9">xxii. 9</a>; never to be lost sight of in +prayer, <a href="#l22.11">xxii. 11</a>; the Saint directed +to fix her thoughts on, <a href="#l23.18">xxiii. 18</a>; +the Saint renews her love of, <a href="#l24.2">xxiv. 2</a>; +vision of, <a href="#l28.4">xxviii. 4</a>, <a +href="#l38.22">xxxviii. 22</a>.</p> +<p>Humility, advantages of, <a href="#l7.37">vii. 37</a>, <a +href="#l12.9">xii. 9</a>; false kinds of, <a +href="#l10.4">x. 4</a>, <a +href="#l13.4">xiii. 4</a>; the foundation of the Christian +life, <a href="#l12.5">xii. 5</a>; worth more than all the +science in the world, <a href="#l15.13">xv. 13</a>; grows +most in the state of perfect union, <a +href="#l19.2">xix. 2</a>; dangers of false, <a +href="#l19.15">xix. 15-23</a>; acquired in raptures, <a +href="#l20.38">xx. 38</a>; foundation of prayer must be +laid in, <a href="#l22.16">xxii. 16</a>; a false, the most +crafty device of Satan, <a href="#l30.12">xxx. 12</a>; +asking for consolations not consistent with, <a +href="#l39.21">xxxix. 21-23</a>.</p> +<p>Hypocrisy, the Saint not tempted to, <a +href="#l7.2">vii. 2</a>, <a +href="#r1.18">Rel. i. 18</a>.</p> +<p><a name="pedroiba">Ibañez, Fra Pedro</a>, <a +href="#l10note5">x. 10, note</a>, <a +href="#l16.10">xvi. 10</a>; <a +href="#l16note6">note 6</a>; consulted by the Saint about +the new foundation, <a href="#l32.19">xxxii. 19</a>; +encourages the Saint to persevere, <a +href="#l32.20">xxxii. 20</a>; confident of success, <a +href="#l33.5">xxxiii. 5</a>; departs from Avila, <a +href="#l33.7">xxxiii. 7</a>; advises the Saint to accept an +endowment for the new foundation, <a +href="#l35.5">xxxv. 5</a>; changes his opinion, <a +href="#l35.7">xxxv. 7</a>; and helps the Saint, <a +href="#l36.23">xxxvi. 23</a>; seen by the Saint in a +vision, <a href="#l38.15">xxxviii. 15, 16</a>.</p> +<p>Illness of <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Teresa, <a +href="#l4.6">iv. 6</a>, <a href="#l5.4">v. 4</a>; +extreme severity of, <a href="#l5.14">v. 14</a>.</p> +<p>Image of our Lord not to be mocked, <a +href="#l29.7">xxix. 7</a>.</p> +<p>Images, devotion of the Saint to, <a href="#l7.3">vii. +3</a>; effects of, on her, <a href="#l9.1">ix. 1-3</a>; +great blessing of, <a href="#l9.7">ix. 7</a>.</p> +<p>Imagination of <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Teresa not active, <a +href="#l9.6">ix. 6</a>; wearisome to her, <a +href="#l17.9">xvii. 9</a>.</p> +<p>Imitation of the Saints, <a href="#l13.5">xiii. +5-9</a>.</p> +<p>Imperfections, rooting up of, <a href="#l14.14">xiv. +14</a>.</p> +<p>Impetuosities in prayer, <a href="#l29.11">xxix. +11-13</a>, <a href="#r1.3">Rel. i. 3</a>, <a +href="#r8.13">Rel. viii. 13</a>.</p> +<p>Impetuosities of divine love, <a href="#l29.10">xxix. +10, 11</a>, <a href="#l29.13">13</a>, <a +href="#l33.9">xxxiii. 9</a>; physical effects of, <a +href="#l29.15">xxix. 15</a>.</p> +<p>Incarnation, the monastery of the, the Saint enters, <a +href="#l4.1">iv. 1</a>; the nuns of, complain of the Saint, +<a href="#l19.12">xix. 12</a>; the Saint tempted to leave, +<a href="#l31.16">xxxi. 16</a>; the rule not strictly +observed in, <a href="#l32.12">xxxii. 12</a>; the Saint's +affection for, <a href="#l32.13">xxxii. 13</a>, <a +href="#l33.3">xxxiii. 3</a>; nuns of, object to the new +foundation, <a href="#l33.2">xxxiii. 2</a>; election of +prioress, <a href="#l35.8">xxxv. 8</a>; the Saint returns +to, from Toledo, <a href="#l35.10">xxxv. 10</a>, <a +href="#l36.1">xxxvi. 1</a>; troubled because of the +new foundation, <a href="#l36.11">xxxvi. 11</a>.</p> +<p>Indisposition, bodily, evil effects of, on the spiritual life, <a +href="#l11.23">xi. 23</a>.</p> +<p>Ingratitude, delusion arising from the dread of, <a +href="#l24.6">xxiv. 6</a>; the Saint bewails her, <a +href="#l14.16">xiv. 16</a>.</p> +<p>Inquisition, the, threats of denouncing the Saint to, <a +href="#l33.6">xxxiii. 6</a>.</p> +<p>Inspirations, good, not to be resisted, <a +href="#l4.3">iv. 3</a>.</p> +<p>Intentions, good, no excuse for an evil act, <a +href="#l5.12">v. 12</a>.</p> +<p><a name="jgracian">Jerome, Fra, of the Mother of God</a>, <a +href="#r6.1">Rel. vi. 1-3</a>, <a +href="#r9.7">Rel. ix. 7</a>, <a +href="#r9.21">21</a>, <a href="#r9.23">23</a>, <a +href="#r9.26">26</a>.</p> +<p>Jerome, <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr>, <a +href="#l11.17">xi. 17</a>, <a +href="#l38.2">xxxviii. 2</a>; the Saint reads the letters +of, <a href="#l3.8">iii. 8</a>.</p> +<p>Jesus, the Society of, helps the Saint, <a +href="#l5.8">v. 8</a>; sought by her, <a +href="#l23.3">xxiii. 3</a>, <a +href="#l23.19">19</a>; visions concerning, <a +href="#l38.17">xxxviii. 17</a>, <a +href="#l38.39">39</a>.</p> +<p>Job, patience of, <a href="#l5.16">v. 16</a>; trial of, +<a href="#l30.12">xxx. 12</a>.</p> +<p>John, <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr>, of the Cross, <a +href="#r3.19">Rel. iii. 19</a>.</p> +<p>Joseph, <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr>, great devotion of the Saint +to, <a href="#l6.9">vi. 9</a>, <a +href="#l30.8">xxx. 8</a>, <a +href="#l36.5">xxxvi. 5</a>; the teacher of prayer, <a +href="#l6.12">vi. 12</a>; encourages the Saint, <a +href="#l33.14">xxxiii. 14</a>; vision of, <a +href="#l33.16">xxxiii. 16</a>.</p> +<p>Joseph, <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr>, the monastery of, purchase +of the site of, <a href="#l32.22">xxxii. 22</a>; not to be +subject to the Order, <a href="#l33.18">xxxiii. 18</a>; +paradise of God's delight, <a href="#l35.13">xxxv. 13</a>; +foundation of, <a href="#l36.4">xxxvi. 4</a>; destruction +of, threatened by the council of the city, <a +href="#l36.14">xxxvi. 14</a>; obtains the good will of the +people, <a href="#l36.25">xxxvi. 25</a>; goodness of the +nuns of, <a href="#l39.14">xxxix. 14</a>.</p> +<p>Joys, of prayer, <a href="#l10.3">x. 3</a>; of visions, +<a href="#l27.13">xxvii. 13</a>; of the saved, <a +href="#l27.15">xxvii. 15</a>.</p> +<p>Judas, temptation of, <a href="#l19.16">xix. 16</a>.</p> +<p>Judgment, day of, <a href="#l40.16">xl. 16</a>.</p> +<p>Kindred, detachment from, <a +href="#l31.22">xxxi. 22</a>, <a +href="#r9.11">Rel. ix. 11</a>.</p> +<p>Kings, obligations of, <a href="#l21.2">xxi. 2</a>, <a +href="#l21.4">4</a>; wherein lies the power of, <a +href="#l37.8">xxxvii. 8</a>.</p> +<p>Labourer, story of a, <a +href="#l38.26">xxxviii. 26</a>.</p> +<p>Laxity in religious houses, <a +href="#l7.6">vii. 6-10</a>.</p> +<p>Learning, accompanied with humility, a help to prayer, <a +href="#l12.6">xii. 6</a>; useful in directors, <a +href="#l13.24">xiii. 24-26</a>; the Saint wishes for, <a +href="#l14.9">xiv. 9</a>; not necessary in prayer, <a +href="#l15.12">xv. 12</a>.</p> +<p>Lie, a, Satan is, <a href="#l25.26">xxv. 26</a>; the +Saint's hatred of, <a href="#l28.6">xxviii. 6</a>.</p> +<p>Life, the, of the Saint, under what circumstances written, <a +href="#l10.11">x. 11</a>.</p> +<p>Life, weariness of, <a href="#l21.8">xxi. 8</a>; the +illuminative, <a href="#l22.1">xxii. 1</a>.</p> +<p>Light of visions, <a href="#l28.7">xxviii. 7</a>, <a +href="#l38.3">xxxviii. 3</a>.</p> +<p>Locutions, divine, <a href="#l19.14">xix. 14</a>, <a +href="#l25.1">xxv. 1, 2</a>; delusions incidental to, <a +href="#l25.3">xxv. 3</a>, <a +href="#l25.11">11</a>; efficacy of, <a +href="#l25.5">xxv. 5</a>, <a +href="#l25.12">12</a>; human, <a +href="#l25.8">xxv. 8</a>; Satanic, <a +href="#l25.13">xxv. 13</a>; tests of the Satanic, <a +href="#l25.17">xxv. 17</a>; nature of, <a +href="#l26.3">xxvi. 3</a>; state of the understanding +during, <a href="#l27.10">xxvii. 10</a>; effects of the +divine, <a href="#l38.19">xxxviii. 19-21</a>.</p> +<p>Locutions heard by the Saint, <a href="#l18.18">xviii. +18</a>, <a href="#l19.13">xix. 13</a>, <a +href="#l24.7">xxiv. 7</a>, <a +href="#l25.22">xxv. 22</a>, <a +href="#l26.3">xxvi. 3</a>, <a +href="#l26.6">6</a>, <a +href="#l29.7">xxix. 7</a>, <a +href="#l30.17">xxx. 17</a>, <a +href="#l31.15">xxxi. 15</a>, <a +href="#l32.17">xxxii. 17</a>, <a +href="#l33.10">xxxiii. 10</a>, <a +href="#l33.14">14</a>, <a +href="#l35.7">xxxv. 7</a>, <a +href="#l35.9">9</a>, <a +href="#l36.20">xxxvi. 20</a>, <a +href="#l38.4">xxxviii. 4</a>, <a +href="#l38.19">19, 20</a>, <a +href="#l39.29">xxxix. 29</a>, <a +href="#l39.34">34</a>, <a +href="#l40.1">xl. 1</a>, <a +href="#l40.21">21</a>, <a href="#l40.24">24</a>, +<a href="#r3.1">Rel. iii. 1, <i lang="la">passim</i></a>, <a +href="#r4.4">Rel. iv. 4, 5, 6</a>, <a +href="#r9.1">Rel. ix. 1, <i lang="la">passim</i></a>.</p> +<p>Lord, our, accounted mad, <a +href="#l27.15">xxvii. 15</a>.</p> +<p>Love, joyous, in seeing a picture of Christ, <a +href="#l9.7">ix. 7</a>; servants of, <a +href="#l11.1">xi. 1</a>; wherein it consists, <a +href="#l11.20">xi. 20</a>; vehement in perfect souls, <a +href="#l15.6">xv. 6</a>; effects of divine, <a +href="#l22.21">xxii. 21</a>; makes itself known without +words, <a href="#l27.12">xxvii. 12</a>; impetuosities of, +<a href="#l29.10">xxix. 10, 11</a>; fire of, <a +href="#l30.25">xxx. 25</a>.</p> +<p>Loyalty, worldly, <a href="#l5.9">v. 9</a>.</p> +<p>Ludolf of Saxony, <a href="#l38.11">xxxviii. 11</a>.</p> +<p>Lukewarmness, <a href="#l7.1">vii. 1</a>.</p> +<p>Lutherans, <a href="#l32.9">xxxii. 9</a>, <a +href="#r2.14">Rel. ii. 14</a>; destroyers of images, <a +href="#r5.5">Rel. v. 5</a>.</p> +<p>Madness, spiritual, <a href="#l16.1">xvi. 1-8</a>, <a +href="#l27.15">xxvii. 15</a>.</p> +<p>Magdalene, the, <a href="#l9.2">ix. 2</a>, <a +href="#l21.9">xxi. 9</a>; her example to be followed, <a +href="#l22.19">xxii. 19</a>.</p> +<p>Mancio, F., <a href="#r2.18">Rel. ii. 18</a>.</p> +<p>Mantles of the religious folded by the Saint, <a +href="#l31.27">xxxi. 27</a>.</p> +<p>Maria of Jesus, <a href="#l35.1">xxxv. 1</a>; founds a +house in Alcala de Henares, <a +href="#l36.29">xxxvi. 29</a>.</p> +<p><a name="guzmanyb">Martin, Don, Guzman y Barrientos</a>, marries a +sister of the Saint, <a href="#l2note2">ii. 4, note</a>, <a +href="#l3.4">iii. 4</a>; sudden death of, <a +href="#l34.24">xxxiv. 24</a>.</p> +<p>Martyrdom desired by the Saint, <a +href="#l1.4">i. 4</a>.</p> +<p>Martyrs, the, sufferings of, <a +href="#l16.6">xvi. 6</a>.</p> +<p>Mary and Martha, <a href="#l17.6">xvii. 6</a>, <a +href="#l22.13">xxii. 13</a>.</p> +<p>Meditation, advantage of, <a href="#l4.11">iv. 11</a>; +fruits of, <a href="#l11.20">xi. 20</a>; example of a, <a +href="#l13.19">xiii. 19</a>; the perfect may have to return +to, <a href="#l15.20">xv. 20</a>.</p> +<p>Memory, the, in the prayer of imperfect union, <a +href="#l17.5">xvii. 5</a>, <a +href="#l17.9">9</a>; troublesome, but not hurtful, <a +href="#l17.11">xvii. 11</a>.</p> +<p>Mendoza, de, Don Alvaro, Bishop of Avila, <a +href="#l33.19">xxxiii. 19</a>; protects the new monastery +of <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Joseph, <a +href="#l36.18">xxxvi. 18</a>.</p> +<p>Men, great, difficult of access, <a +href="#l37.7">xxxvii. 7</a>.</p> +<p>Mercies of God, the remembrance of, <a +href="#l15.23">xv. 23</a>.</p> +<p>Michael, <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr>, the Saint commends herself +to, <a href="#l27.2">xxvii. 2</a>.</p> +<p>Misdirection, a, corrected by the Saint, <a +href="#l13.22">xiii. 22</a>.</p> +<p>Mitigation, the Bull of, <a href="#l32.12">xxxii. +12</a>; disused in the new monastery, <a +href="#l36.27">xxxvi. 27, 28</a>.</p> +<p>Monasteries, courts in politeness, <a +href="#l37.17">xxxvii. 17</a>.</p> +<p>Munificence of God, <a href="#l18.5">xviii. 5</a>, <a +href="#l22.26">xxii. 26</a>.</p> +<p>Neatness, excessive, <a href="#l2.2">ii. 2</a>, <a +href="#r1.23">Rel. i. 23</a>.</p> +<p>Novices in <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Joseph's, <a +href="#l39.15">xxxix. 15</a>.</p> +<p>Novitiate of the Saint, <a href="#l5.1">v. 1</a>.</p> +<p>Nun, illness of a, in the monastery of the Incarnation, <a +href="#l5.3">v. 3</a>; visions concerning a, <a +href="#l38.37">xxxviii. 37, 38</a>.</p> +<p>Obedience, the Saint writes under, <a +href="#l18.10">xviii. 10</a>; strict observance of, in the +Society of Jesus, <a href="#l33.9">xxxiii. 9</a>; of the +Saint to her confessors, <a href="#l23.19">xxiii. 19</a>, +<a href="#r1.9">Rel. i. 9</a>, <a +href="#r1.29">29</a>, <a +href="#r7.14">Rel. vii. 14</a>.</p> +<p>Objects, natural, moved the Saint to devotion, <a +href="#l9.6">ix. 6</a>.</p> +<p>Ocampo, de, Mary, <a href="#l32note4">xxxii. 13, +note</a>.</p> +<p>Office, the divine, the Saint's imperfect knowledge of, <a +href="#l31.26">xxxi. 26</a>.</p> +<p>Order, vision concerning a certain, <a +href="#l40.18">xl. 18, 19</a>.</p> +<p>Osorno, Countess of, <a href="#r3.16">Rel. iii. +16</a>.</p> +<p>Ovalle, de, Don Juan, <a href="#l35note16">xxxv. 14, +note</a>; providential illness of, <a +href="#l36.2">xxxvi. 2</a>.</p> +<p>Padranos, de, Juan, <a href="#l23.18">xxiii. 18</a>; +directs the Saint, <a href="#l24.1">xxiv. 1</a>; removed +from Avila, <a href="#l24.5">xxiv. 5</a>.</p> +<p>Pain of raptures, <a href="#l20.11">xx. 11</a>; +sweetness of, <a href="#l20.19">xx. 19</a>.</p> +<p>Paradise of His delight, <a +href="#l35.13">xxxv. 13</a>.</p> +<p><span lang="la">"Passer solitarius,"</span> <a +href="#l20.13">xx. 13</a>.</p> +<p>Passion, the, devotion of the Saint to, <a +href="#l9.5">ix. 5</a>; meditation on, <a +href="#l13.19">xiii. 19, 20</a>, <a +href="#l22.8">xxii. 8</a>.</p> +<p>Patience of a nun, <a href="#l5.3">v. 3</a>; of the +Saint, <a href="#l5.16">v. 16</a>; of God, <a +href="#l8.8">viii. 8</a>.</p> +<p>Penance, necessity of, <a href="#l27.14">xxvii. 14</a>; +of the Saint, <a href="#l24.2">xxiv. 2</a>, <a +href="#r1.5">Rel. i. 5</a>, <a +href="#r2.11">Rel. ii. 11</a>, <a +href="#r11.2">Rel. xi. 2</a>.</p> +<p>Perfection, <a href="#l21.10">xxi. 10</a>; true safety +lies in, <a href="#l25.15">xxxv. 15</a>; not always +attained to because of many years spent in prayer, <a +href="#l39.21">xxxix. 21</a>.</p> +<p>Persecution, of the Saint, <a +href="#l19.12">xix. 12</a>, <a +href="#l36.12">xxxvi. 12</a>; blessings of, <a +href="#l33.5">xxxiii. 5</a>.</p> +<p>Perseverance in prayer, <a href="#l8.5">viii. 5</a>; +fruits of, <a href="#l11.6">xi. 6</a>; reward of, certain, +<a href="#l11.17">xi. 17</a>; the Saint prays for, <a +href="#l14.17">xiv. 17</a>; and recommends, <a +href="#l19.7">xix. 7</a>.</p> +<p><a name="peteralc">Peter, <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr>, of +Alcantara</a>, <a href="#l27.4">xxvii. 4</a>; penitential +life of, <a href="#l27.17">xxvii. 17-21</a>, <a +href="#l30.2">xxx. 2</a>; power of, with God, <a +href="#l27.22">xxvii. 22</a>; understands and comforts the +Saint, <a href="#l30.5">xxx. 5</a>, <a +href="#l30.7">7</a>, <a +href="#r7.6">Rel. vii. 6</a>; quiets a scruple of the Saint, +<a href="#l30.20">xxx. 20</a>; approves of the new +foundation, <a href="#l32.16">xxxii. 16</a>; and of the +observance of poverty in it, <a href="#l35.6">xxxv. 6</a>; +in Avila when the Saint came back from Toledo, <a +href="#l36.1">xxxvi. 1</a>; death of, <a +href="#l36note8">xxxvi. 1, note</a>; appears to the Saint, +<a href="#l36.20">xxxvi. 20, 21</a>; said that women make +greater progress than men, <a +href="#l40.12">xl. 12</a>.</p> +<p>Phoenix, the, <a href="#l39.33">xxxix. 33</a>.</p> +<p>Pilgrims, <a href="#l38.8">xxxviii. 8</a>.</p> +<p>Pillar, the, meditations on Christ at, <a +href="#l13.19">xiii. 19</a>, <a +href="#l13.31">31</a>.</p> +<p>Politeness, monasteries courts in, <a +href="#l37.17">xxxvii. 17</a>.</p> +<p>Poverty, effects of defective, <a href="#l11.3">xi. +3</a>; of spirit, <a href="#l22.17">xxii. 17</a>; the +Saint's love of, <a href="#l35.3">xxxv. 3</a>, <a +href="#r1.10">Rel. i. 10</a>, <a +href="#r2.2">Rel. ii. 2</a>.</p> +<p>Prayer, mental, <a href="#l8.7">viii. 7</a>; blessings +of, <a href="#l8.12">viii. 12</a>; joys of, <a +href="#l10.3">x. 3</a>; the Saint's four states of, <a +href="#l11.12">xi. 12</a>; fruit of mental, <a +href="#l11.20">xi. 20</a>; vocal, <a +href="#l12.3">xii. 3</a>; doctrine of, difficult, <a +href="#l13.18">xiii. 18</a>; importance of persevering in, +<a href="#l15.5">xv. 5</a>; must have its foundations in +humility, <a href="#l22.16">xxii. 16</a>; of the Saint +continued in sleep, <a href="#l29.9">xxix. 9</a>; effects +of intercessory, <a href="#l31.9">xxxi. 9</a>; two kinds +of, <a href="#l39.8">xxxix. 8-10</a>; the Saint's method +of, <a href="#r1.1">Rel. i. 1</a>.</p> +<p>Preachers, <a href="#l16.12">xvi. 12</a>.</p> +<p>Presence of God, the, <a href="#l18.20">xviii. 20</a>; +practice of the, <a href="#l12.3">xii. 3</a>; effects of, +in the prayer of quiet, <a href="#l14.8">xiv. 8</a>; +different from vision, <a href="#l27.6">xxvii. 6</a>.</p> +<p>Priest, conversion of an evil-living, <a href="#l5.9">v. +9</a>, <a href="#l31.7">xxxi. 7</a>; vision concerning a, +<a href="#l38.29">xxxviii. 29</a>.</p> +<p>Progress made in the way of raptures, <a +href="#l21.11">xxi. 11</a>.</p> +<p>Prophecies made to the Saint, <a href="#l34.23">xxxiv. +23</a>; fulfilled, <a href="#r2.6">Rel. ii. 6</a>, <a +href="#r2.17">17</a>.</p> +<p><a name="desangel">Provincial, the, of the Carmelites</a> offers to accept the new +foundation, <a href="#l32.16">xxxii. 16</a>; then declines +it, <a href="#l32.18">xxxii. 18</a>; sends the Saint to +Toledo, <a href="#l34.2">xxxiv. 2</a>; recalls her, <a +href="#l35.8">xxxv. 8</a>; reprimands the Saint, <a +href="#l36.12">xxxvi. 12</a>; allows the Saint to live in +the new monastery, <a href="#l36.23">xxxvi. 23</a>; death +of, <a href="#l38.34">xxxviii. 34-36</a>.</p> +<p>Purgatory, the Saint saw certain souls who were not sent to, <a +href="#l38.41">xxxviii. 41</a>; and delivers others from, +<a href="#l39.6">xxxix. 6</a>.</p> +<p>Queen of heaven, the, devotion to, <a +href="#l19.9">xix. 9</a>.</p> +<p>Quiet, the prayer of, <a href="#l4.9">iv. 9</a>, <a +href="#l9.6">ix. 6</a>, <a href="#l14.1">xiv. 1, +<i lang="la">passim</i></a>; disturbed by the memory and the +understanding, <a href="#l14.5">xiv. 5</a>; joy of the soul +in, <a href="#l14.7">xiv. 7</a>; few souls pass beyond, <a +href="#l15.3">xv. 3</a>, <a href="#l15.7">7</a>; +great fruits of, <a href="#l15.6">xv. 6</a>; how the soul +is to order itself in, <a href="#l15.9">xv. 9</a>; +difference between the true and false, <a +href="#l15.15">xv. 15</a>.</p> +<p>Rank, slavery of, <a href="#l34.6">xxxiv. 6</a>.</p> +<p>Rapture, <a href="#l20.1">xx. 1</a>; irresistible, <a +href="#l20.3">xx. 3</a>, <a href="#l22.20">xxii. +20</a>; effects of, <a href="#l20.9">xx. 9</a>, <a +href="#l20.30">30</a>; pain of, <a +href="#l20.11">xx. 11</a>; loneliness of the soul in, <a +href="#l20.13">xx. 13</a>; characteristics of, <a +href="#l20.23">xx. 23</a>; duration of, <a +href="#l20.25">xx. 25</a>; physical effects of, <a +href="#l20.29">xx. 29</a>, <a +href="#r1.26">Rel. i. 26</a>, <a +href="#r4.1">iv. 1</a>; made the Saint long for heaven, <a +href="#l38.8">xxxviii. 8</a>; good effects of, <a +href="#r1.8">Rel. i. 8</a>, <a +href="#r1.15">15</a>.</p> +<p>Reading, spiritual, <a href="#l1.1">i. 1</a>, <a +href="#l4.12">iv. 12, 13</a>; persevered in by the Saint, <a +href="#l8.14">viii. 14</a>; long unprofitable to her, <a +href="#l12.10">xii. 10</a>; impossible in the prayer of +perfect union, <a href="#l18.14">xviii. 14</a>; a delight, +<a href="#r1.7">Rel. i. 7</a>.</p> +<p>Recollection, prayer of, <a href="#l14.2">xiv. 2</a>, <a +href="#r8.3">Rel. viii. 3</a>.</p> +<p>Recreation, <a href="#l13.1">xiii. 1</a>.</p> +<p>Reflections, making, when dangerous in prayer, <a +href="#l15.11">xv. 11</a>.</p> +<p>Reform, the Carmelite, beginning of, <a +href="#l32.13">xxxii. 13</a>.</p> +<p>Religious must despise the world, <a +href="#l27.16">xxvii. 16</a>.</p> +<p>Resignation of the Saint, <a href="#l21.6">xxi. 6</a>, +<a href="#r1.20">Rel. i. 20</a>.</p> +<p>Revelations, the Saint never spoke of her, when she consulted her +confessors, <a href="#l32.19">xxxii. 19</a>.</p> +<p>Rosary, the, of the Saint, <a +href="#l29.8">xxix. 8</a>.</p> +<p>Rule, the Carmelite, mitigation of, <a +href="#l32.12">xxxii. 12</a>; restored by the Saint, <a +href="#l36.27">xxxvi. 27</a>; observance of, <a +href="#l36.30">xxxvi. 30, 31</a>.</p> +<p>Salasar, de, Angel. See <a href="#desangel">Provincial</a>.</p> +<p>Salazar, de, Gaspar, Rector of the Society of Jesus in Avila, <a +href="#l33.9">xxxiii. 9</a>; understands the state of the +Saint, <a href="#l33.11">xxxiii. 11</a>; bids the Saint go +to Toledo, <a href="#l34.2">xxxiv. 2</a>; vision of the +Saint concerning, <a href="#l38.17">xxxviii. 17</a>.</p> +<p>Salcedo, de, Don Francisco, <a href="#l23.6">xxiii. +6</a>; gives spiritual advice to the Saint, <a +href="#l23.11">xxiii. 11</a>; fears delusions, <a +href="#l23.12">xxiii. 12</a>; helps the Saint in her new +foundation, <a href="#l32.21">xxxii. 21</a>, <a +href="#l36.21">xxxvi. 21</a>; hospitable, <a +href="#l36.1">xxxvi. 1</a>; gives Communion to the Saint +when a priest, <a href="#r3.7">Rel. iii. 7</a>.</p> +<p>Samaria, the woman of, <a href="#l30.24">xxx. +24</a>.</p> +<p>Satan, subtlety of, <a href="#l4.14">iv. 14</a>; an +artifice of, <a href="#l7.12">vii. 12</a>, <a +href="#l7.35">35</a>; suggests a false humility, <a +href="#l13.5">xiii. 5</a>; and a carefulness for health, <a +href="#l13.9">xiii. 9</a>; afraid of learned directors who +are humble, <a href="#l13.26">xiii. 26</a>; efforts of, to +deceive, how thwarted, <a href="#l15.6">xv. 16</a>; tempted +the Saint to give up prayer, <a href="#l19.8">xix. 8</a>; a +lie, <a href="#l25.26">xxv. 26</a>; unable to counterfeit +intellectual visions, <a href="#l27.4">xxvii. 4-8</a>; +tries to counterfeit imaginary visions, <a +href="#l28.15">xxviii. 15</a>; appears to the Saint, <a +href="#l31.2">xxxi. 2</a>; dislikes contempt, <a +href="#l31.10">xxxi. 10</a>; wiles of, <a +href="#r1.29">Rel. i. 29</a>.</p> +<p>Scandal, <a href="#l27.16">xxvii. 16</a>.</p> +<p>Scorn, signs of, not to be made during visions, <a +href="#l29.6">xxix. 6</a>.</p> +<p>Self, contempt of, necessary in the spiritual life, <a +href="#l31.23">xxxi. 23</a>.</p> +<p>Self-denial, necessity of, <a href="#l31.25">xxxi. +25</a>.</p> +<p>Self-knowledge, <a href="#l13.23">xiii. 23</a>.</p> +<p>Self-love, <a href="#l11.2">xi. 2</a>; strong and +hurtful, <a href="#l11.4">xi. 4, 5</a>.</p> +<p>Self-respect, harm of, <a href="#l21.12">xxi. +12</a>.</p> +<p>Senses, the, suspension of, in the prayer of perfect union, <a +href="#l18.19">xviii. 19</a>.</p> +<p>Sensitiveness, <a href="#l11.4">xi. 4</a>.</p> +<p>Sermons, <a href="#l8.17">viii. 17</a>; without +simplicity, <a href="#l16.12">xvi. 12</a>.</p> +<p>Shame, good fruits of, <a href="#l5.9">v. 9</a>.</p> +<p>Sicknesses of the Saint, <a href="#l30.9">xxx. +9</a>.</p> +<p>Sickness sent for penance, <a href="#l24.2">xxiv. +2</a>.</p> +<p>Sight restored at the prayer of the Saint, <a +href="#l39.1">xxxix. 1</a>.</p> +<p>Sincerity of the Saint, <a href="#r1.28">Rel. i. +28</a>.</p> +<p>Sin, occasions of, <a href="#l8.14">viii. 14</a>; pain +occasioned by the sins of others, <a +href="#l13.14">xiii. 14</a>; original, <a +href="#l30.20">xxx. 20</a>; the Saint, by her prayers, +hinders a great, <a href="#l39.3">xxxix. 3</a>; wickedness +of, <a href="#l40.15">xl. 15</a>; vision of a soul in, <a +href="#r3.13">Rel. iii. 13</a>.</p> +<p>Sins, the Saint consents to the divulging of her, <a +href="#l10.10">x. 10</a>.</p> +<p>Solitude, longings for, <a href="#l1.6">i. 6</a>, <a +href="#l6.5">vi. 5</a>, <a +href="#r1.6">Rel. i. 6</a>.</p> +<p>Sorcery, <a href="#l5.10">v. 10</a>.</p> +<p>Soto, de, the Inquisitor, <a +href="#r7.8">Rel. vii. 8</a>.</p> +<p>Soul, our own, the first object, <a href="#l13.13">xiii. +13, 14</a>; likened to a garden, <a +href="#l11.10">xi. 10</a>, <a +href="#l14.13">xiv. 13</a>; in the prayer of quiet, <a +href="#l15.1">xv. 1</a>; growth of, <a +href="#l15.20">xv. 20</a>; powers of, in the prayer of +imperfect union, <a href="#l16.1">xvi. 1</a>, <a +href="#l16.4">4</a>; beside itself, <a +href="#l16.1">xvi. 1-5</a>; crucifixion of, in raptures, <a +href="#l20.14">xx. 14</a>; detachment of the enraptured, <a +href="#l20.33">xx. 33</a>; strengthened in raptures, <a +href="#l21.14">xxi. 14</a>; effects of visions in, <a +href="#l27.11">xxvii. 11</a>; helplessness of, without God, +<a href="#l37.11">xxxvii. 11</a>; vision of a lost soul, <a +href="#l38.31">xxxviii. 31</a>; the Saint's vision of her +own, <a href="#l40.8">xl. 8</a>; and of, in a state of +grace, <a href="#r3.13">Rel. iii. 13</a>, <a +href="#r5.6">Rel. v. 6</a>.</p> +<p>Spirit, liberty of, <a href="#l11.25">xi. 25</a>; +poverty of, <a href="#l22.17">xxii. 17</a>; flight of the, +<a href="#l18.8">xviii. 8</a>, <a +href="#r8.11">Rel. viii. 11</a>.</p> +<p>Spirits, evil, put to flight, <a href="#l25.25">xxv. +25</a>; by holy water, <a href="#l31.4">xxxi. 4</a>.</p> +<p>Spirituality influenced by bodily health, <a +href="#l11.24">xi. 24</a>.</p> +<p>Suarez, Juana, <a href="#l3.2">iii. 2</a>; accompanies +the Saint to Bezadas, <a href="#l4.6">iv. 6</a>.</p> +<p>Sufferings, physical, of the Saint, <a href="#l4.7">iv. +7</a>, <a href="#l5.4">v. 4</a>, <a +href="#l5.14">14</a>, <a href="#l6.1">vi. 1</a>; +of raptures, <a href="#l20.16">xx. 16</a>; the Saint longs +for, <a href="#l40.27">xl. 27</a>.</p> +<p>Sweetness, spiritual, never sought by the Saint but once, <a +href="#l9.11">ix. 11</a>; seekers of, censured, <a +href="#l11.21">xi. 21</a>; of the pain of raptures, <a +href="#l20.19">xx. 19</a>; the Saint unable to resist it at +times, <a href="#l24.1">xxiv. 1</a>.</p> +<p>Tears, gift of, <a href="#l4.8">iv. 8</a>, <a +href="#l29.11">xxix. 11</a>; of the Saint before a picture +of the Passion, <a href="#l9.1">ix. 1</a>; in the prayer of +quiet, <a href="#l14.5">xiv. 5</a>; in the prayer of +perfect union, <a href="#l19.1">xix. 1, 2</a>; the Saint +prays God to accept her, <a href="#l19.10">xix. 10</a>.</p> +<p>Temptation, power of, <a href="#l30.13">xxx. 13</a>.</p> +<p>Tenderness of soul, <a href="#l10.2">x. 2</a>.</p> +<p>Teresa, <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr>, desires martyrdom, <a +href="#l1.4">i. 4</a>; placed in a monastery, <a +href="#l2.8">ii. 8</a>; unwilling to become a nun, <a +href="#l2.10">ii. 10</a>; becomes more fervent, <a +href="#l3.2">iii. 2</a>; is resolved to follow her vocation, +<a href="#l3.6">iii. 6</a>; first fervours of, <a +href="#l4.2">iv. 2</a>; failure of health, <a +href="#l4.6">iv. 6</a>; God sends her an illness, <a +href="#l5.4">v. 4</a>; suffers grievously, <a +href="#l6.1">vi. 1</a>; afraid of prayer, <a +href="#l6.5">vi. 5</a>; leads her father to prayer, <a +href="#l7.16">vii. 16</a>; present at her father's death, <a +href="#l7.22">vii. 22</a>; perseveres in prayer, <a +href="#l8.2">viii. 2</a>; found it hard to pray, <a +href="#l8.10">viii. 10</a>; delights in sermons, <a +href="#l8.17">viii. 17</a>; devout to the Magdalene, <a +href="#l9.2">ix. 2</a>; never doubted of God's mercy, <a +href="#l9.8">ix. 8</a>; depreciates herself, <a +href="#l10.9">x. 9</a>; willing to have her sins divulged, +<a href="#l10.10">x. 10</a>; always sought for light, <a +href="#l10.13">x. 13</a>; complains of her memory, <a +href="#l11.9">xi. 9</a>; unable to explain the state of her +soul, <a href="#l12.10">xii. 10</a>; supernaturally +enlightened, <a href="#l12.11">xii. 11</a>; reads books on +prayer to no purpose, <a href="#l14.10">xiv. 10</a>; writes +with many hindrances, <a href="#l14.12">xiv. 12</a>, <a +href="#l40.32">xl. 32</a>; bewails her ingratitude, <a +href="#l14.16">xiv. 16</a>; scarcely understood a word of +Latin, <a href="#l15.12">xv. 12</a>; understands her state +in the prayer of imperfect union, <a +href="#l16.3">xvi. 3</a>; and describes it, <a +href="#l16.6">xvi. 6</a>; bewails her unworthiness, <a +href="#l18.6">xviii. 6</a>; writes under obedience, <a +href="#l18.10">xviii. 10</a>; confesses ignorance, <a +href="#l18.20">xviii. 20</a>; abandons her prayers for a +time, <a href="#l19.8">xix. 8</a>; evil spoken of, <a +href="#l19.12">xix. 12</a>; misled by false humility, <a +href="#l19.23">xix. 23</a>; prays to be delivered from +raptures, <a href="#l20.5">xx. 5, 6</a>; never cared for +money, <a href="#l20.34">xx. 34</a>; gives up her whole +being to God, <a href="#l21.7">xxi. 7</a>; unable to learn +from books, <a href="#l22.3">xxii. 3</a>; afraid of +delusions, <a href="#l23.3">xxiii. 3</a>; is directed by a +layman, <a href="">xxiii. 10</a>; severe to herself, <a +href="#l24.2">xxiv. 2</a>; her first ecstasy, <a +href="#l24.7">xxiv. 7</a>; had no visions before the prayer +of union, <a href="#l25.14">xxv. 14</a>; told by her +confessor that she was deluded by Satan, <a +href="#l25.18">xxv. 18</a>; prays to be led by a different +spiritual way, <a href="#l25.20">xxv. 20</a>, <a +href="#l28.3">xxvii. 3</a>, <a +href="#r7.7">Rel. vii. 7</a>; not afraid of Satan, <a +href="#l25.27">xxv. 27</a>; spoken against, <a +href="#l26.3">xxvi. 3</a>; troubles of, because of visions, +<a href="#l27.4">xxvii. 4</a>, <a +href="#l28.6">xxviii. 6</a>; her defence when told that her +visions were false, <a href="#l28.18">xxviii. 18, 19</a>; +afraid nobody would hear her confession, <a +href="#l28.20">xxviii. 20</a>; harshly judged by her +directors, <a href="#l28.23">xxviii. 23</a>; would not +exchange her visions for all the pleasures of the world, <a +href="#l29.5">xxix. 5</a>; vehemence of her love, <a +href="#l29.10">xxix. 10</a>; her supernatural wound, <a +href="#l29.17">xxix. 17</a>; manifests her spiritual state +to <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr> Peter of Alcantara, <a +href="#l30.4">xxx. 4</a>; bodily trials of, <a +href="#l30.17">xxx. 17</a>; finds no relief in exterior +occupations, <a href="#l30.18">xxx. 18</a>; buffeted by +Satan, <a href="#l31.3">xxxi. 3</a>; converts a great +sinner, <a href="#l31.7">xxxi. 7</a>; troubled because well +thought of, <a href="#l31.13">xxxi. 13-17</a>; her singing +of the Office, <a href="#l31.26">xxxi. 26</a>; commanded to +labour for the reform of her Order, <a +href="#l32.14">xxxii. 14</a>; commanded to abandon her +purpose, <a href="#l33.1">xxxiii. 1</a>; her vision in the +Dominican church, Avila, <a href="#l33.16">xxxiii. 16</a>; +goes to Toledo, <a href="#l34.3">xxxiv. 3</a>; the nuns +wish to have her as their Prioress, <a +href="#l35.8">xxxv. 8</a>; restores a child to life, <a +href="#l35note16">xxxv. 14, note</a>; begins the Reform, <a +href="#l36.4">xxxvi. 4</a>; her grievous trial, <a +href="#l36.6">xxxvi. 6, 7</a>; her health improved, <a +href="#l36.9">xxxvi. 9</a>; would suffer all things for one +additional degree of glory, <a href="#l37.3">xxxvii. 3</a>; +her affection for her confessors, <a +href="#l37.6">xxxvii. 6</a>; supernaturally helped when +writing, <a href="#l38.28">xxxviii. 28</a>; obtains sight +for a blind person, <a href="#l39.1">xxxix. 1</a>; and the +cure of one of her kindred, <a href="#l39.2">xxxix. 2</a>; +her spiritual state became known without her consent, <a +href="#l40.28">xl. 28</a>; submits all her writings to the +Roman Church, <a href="#r7.16">Rel. vii. 16</a>.</p> +<p>Theology, mystical, <a href="#l10.1">x. 1</a>, <a +href="#l11.8">xi. 8</a>, <a +href="#l12.8">xii. 8</a>; the Saint says she does not know +the terms of, <a href="#l18.4">xviii. 4</a>.</p> +<p>Thomas, <abbr title="Saint">St.</abbr>, assisted at the deathbed of +Fra <abbr title="Pedro">P.</abbr> Ibañez, <a +href="#l38.15">xxxviii. 15</a>.</p> +<p>Throne, vision of a, <a href="#l39.31">xxxix. 31, +32</a>.</p> +<p>Trance, a, <a href="#l18.17">xviii. 17</a>, <a +href="#l20.1">xx. 1</a>; outward effects of, <a +href="#l40.11">xl. 11</a>; gradual, <a +href="#r8.10">Rel. viii. 10</a>.</p> +<p>Transport, <a href="#r8.10">Rel. viii. 10</a>.</p> +<p>Trials followed by graces, <a href="#l11.18">xi. 18</a>; +promised to the Saint, <a href="#l35.9">xxxv. 9</a>; shown +her in a vision, <a href="#l39.25">xxxix. 25</a>.</p> +<p>Trinity, the, mystery of, revealed to the Saint, <a +href="#l39.36">xxxix. 36</a>; visions of, <a +href="#r3.6">Rel. iii. 6</a>, <a +href="#r5.6">Rel. v. 6-8</a>, <a +href="#r8.20">Rel. viii. 20</a>, <a +href="#r9.12">Rel. ix. 12</a>.</p> +<p>Truth, divine, <a href="#l40.3">xl. 3-7</a>.</p> +<p>Ulloa, de, Doña Guiomar, <a href="#l24.5">xxiv. 5</a>; +takes the Saint to her house, <a href="#l30.3">xxx. 3</a>; +helps the Saint to accomplish the reform, <a +href="#l32.13">xxxii. 13</a>; is refused absolution, <a +href="#l32.18">xxxii. 18</a>.</p> +<p>Understanding, the, use of in prayer, <a +href="#l13.17">xiii. 17</a>; disorderly, <a +href="#l15.10">xv. 10</a>; powerless in the state of +imperfect union, <a href="#l16.4">xvi. 4</a>; and of the +perfect union, <a href="#l18.19">xviii. 19</a>; the Saint +speaks humbly of her, <a href="#l28.10">xxviii. 10</a>.</p> +<p>Union, imperfect, prayer of, <a href="#l16.1">xvi. +1</a>; a mystical death, <a +href="#l16.1"><i><abbr lang="la" title="ibidem">ib.</abbr></i></a>; +the soul resigned therein, <a href="#l17.1">xvii. 1</a>; +how it differs from the prayer of quiet, <a +href="#l17.5">xvii. 5, 6</a>; another degree of, <a +href="#l17.7">xvii. 7</a>; the labour of the soul lessens +in the later states of, <a href="#l18.1">xviii. 1</a>.</p> +<p>Union, perfect, prayer of, <a href="#l18.1">xviii. +1</a>; the senses wholly absorbed in, <a +href="#l18.3">xviii. 3</a>, <a +href="#l18.14">14</a>; duration of, <a +href="#l18.16">xviii. 16</a>; fruits of, <a +href="#l19.4">xix. 4</a>.</p> +<p>Union, prayer of, <a href="#l4.9">iv. 9</a>; followed by +visions in the Saint, <a href="#l25.14">xxv. 14</a>.</p> +<p>Union, what it is, <a href="#r5.2">Rel. v. 2</a>; of the +faculties of the soul, <a href="#r8.7">Rel. viii. 7</a>.</p> +<p>Vainglory, <a href="#l7.2">vii. 2</a>, <a +href="#l7.34">34</a>, <a href="#l10.5">x. 5</a>, +<a href="#r1.18">Rel. i. 18</a>, <a +href="#r2.15">Rel. ii. 15</a>, <a +href="#r7.23">Rel. vii. 23</a>.</p> +<p>Vanity of possessions, <a href="#l20.35">xx. 35</a>; the +Saint's watchfulness over herself herein, <a +href="#l39.11">xxxix. 11</a>.</p> +<p>Virtue, growth of, in the prayer of quiet, <a +href="#l14.6">xiv. 6</a>; and in that of imperfect union, +<a href="#l17.4">xvii. 4</a>.</p> +<p>Visions, our Lord seen in, <a href="#l7.11">vii. 11</a>, +<a href="#l25.14">xxv. 14</a>, <a +href="#l27.3">xxvii. 3</a>, <a +href="#l28.2">xxviii. 2</a>; intellectual, <a +href="#l27.4">xxvii. 4</a>; different from the sense of the +presence of God, <a href="#l27.6">xxvii. 6</a>; joy of, <a +href="#l27.13">xxvii. 13</a>; imaginary, <a +href="#l28.5">xxviii. 5</a>; effects of, in the soul, <a +href="#l28.13">xxviii. 13</a>; Satan tried to simulate, <a +href="#l28.15">xxviii. 15</a>; effects of, in the Saint, <a +href="#l28.19">xxviii. 19</a>; cessation of the Saint's +imaginary, <a href="#l29.2">xxix. 2</a>; of the Sacred +Humanity, effects of, <a +href="#l38.23">xxxviii. 23</a>.</p> +<p>Water, holy, puts evil spirits to flight, <a +href="#l31.4">xxxi. 4, 5</a>, <a +href="#l31.9">9, 10</a>.</p> +<p>Water, the first, <a href="#l11.13">xi. 13</a>; the +second, <a href="#l14.1">xiv. 1</a>; the third, <a +href="#l16.1">xvi. 1</a>; the fourth, <a +href="#l18.1">xviii. 1</a>.</p> +<p>Will, the state of, in the prayer of quiet, <a +href="#l14.4">xiv. 4</a>, <a +href="#l15.2">xv. 2</a>, <a +href="#l15.10">10</a>; in the prayer of imperfect union, <a +href="#l18.16">xviii. 16</a>.</p> +<p>Women, great care necessary in the direction of, <a +href="#l23.14">xxiii. 14, 15</a>; make greater progress +than men, <a href="#l40.12">xl. 12</a>.</p> +<p>World, the, contempt of, <a href="#l10.7">x. 7</a>, <a +href="#l27.16">xxvii. 16</a>; customs of, wearisome, <a +href="#l37.15">xxxvii. 15, 16</a>; hard on good people, <a +href="#l31.19">xxxi. 19</a>; vanity of, <a +href="#r1.21">Rel. i. 21</a>.</p> +<p>Wound of the soul, <a href="#r8.16">Rel. viii. 16</a>; of +love, <a href="#r8.17">Rel. viii. 17</a>.</p> +<p>Ybañez. See <a href="#pedroiba">Ibañez</a>.</p> +<p>Yepes, <a href="#r9.1">Rel. ix. 1</a>.</p> +<p>Zeal, indiscreet, <a href="#l13.11">xiii. 11</a>.</p> + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's The Life of St. Teresa of Jesus, by Teresa of Avila + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE LIFE OF ST. TERESA OF JESUS *** + +This file should be named 8trsa10h.htm or 8trsa10h.zip +Corrected EDITIONS of our eBooks get a new NUMBER, 8trsa11h.htm +VERSIONS based on separate sources get new LETTER, 8trsa10ah.htm + +Produced by Elizabeth T. Knuth + +Project Gutenberg eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the US +unless a copyright notice is included. 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