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diff --git a/8120-8.txt b/8120-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..e72e9b0 --- /dev/null +++ b/8120-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,21340 @@ +Project Gutenberg's The Life of St. Teresa of Jesus, by Teresa of Avila + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Life of St. Teresa of Jesus + +Author: Teresa of Avila + +Posting Date: March 28, 2014 [EBook #8120] +Release Date: May, 2005 +First Posted: June 16, 2003 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE LIFE OF ST. TERESA OF JESUS *** + + + + +Produced by Elizabeth T. Knuth + + + + + + + + + +The Life of St. Teresa of Jesus + + + + +Transcriber's Note: Corrections suggested in the Corrigenda, +p. [viii] of the original text, have been made. Section number +added for L 3.9, since both the translator's preface and the +index refer to it. Footnotes gathered at the ends of chapters. +Typographical errors in two Scriptural quotations have been +corrected: In L 21 note 10, I have changed "Quæ præparavit Deus +iis qui" to "Quæ præparavit Deus his qui;" and in L 29 note 12, +I have changed "As the longing of the heart" to "As the longing +of the hart." + + + + +The Life +of +St. Teresa of Jesus + + +Re-imprimatur. ++ Franciscus +Archiepiscopus Westmonast. + +Die 27 Sept., 1904. + + + + + +The Life +of +St. Teresa of Jesus, +of the Order of Our Lady of Carmel. +Written by Herself. + +Translated from the Spanish by +David Lewis. + +Third Edition Enlarged. + +With additional Notes and an Introduction by +Rev. Fr. Benedict Zimmerman, O.C.D. + +London: Thomas Baker. +New York: Benziger Bros. +MCMIV. + + + + + +Contents. + + +Chap. + +Introduction to the Third Edition, by Rev. B. Zimmerman + +St. Teresa's Arguments of the Chapters + +Preface by David Lewis + +Annals of the Saint's Life + +Prologue + +I. Childhood and early Impressions--The Blessing of pious +Parents--Desire of Martyrdom--Death of the Saint's Mother + +II. Early Impressions--Dangerous Books and Companions--The Saint +is placed in a Monastery + +III. The Blessing of being with good people--How certain +Illusions were removed + +IV. Our Lord helps her to become a Nun--Her many Infirmities + +V. Illness and Patience of the Saint--The Story of a Priest whom +she rescued from a Life of Sin + +VI. The great Debt she owed to our Lord for His Mercy to her--She +takes St. Joseph for her Patron + +VII. Lukewarmness--The Loss of Grace--Inconvenience of Laxity in +Religious Houses + +VIII. The Saint ceases not to pray--Prayer the way to recover +what is lost--All exhorted to pray--The great Advantage of +Prayer, even to those who may have ceased from it + +IX. The means whereby our Lord quickened her Soul, gave her Light +in her Darkness, and made her strong in Goodness + +X. The Graces she received in Prayer--What we can do +ourselves--The great Importance of understanding what our Lord is +doing for us--She desires her Confessors to keep her Writings +secret, because of the special Graces of our Lord to her, which +they had commanded her to describe + +XI. Why men do not attain quickly to the perfect Love of God--Of +Four Degrees of Prayer--Of the First Degree--The Doctrine +profitable for Beginners, and for those who have no +sensible Sweetness + +XII. What we can ourselves do--The Evil of desiring to attain to +supernatural States before our Lord calls us + +XIII. Of certain Temptations of Satan--Instructions +relating thereto + +XIV. The Second State of Prayer--Its supernatural Character + +XV. Instructions for those who have attained to the Prayer of +Quiet--Many advance so far, but few go farther + +XVI. The Third State of Prayer--Deep Matters--What the Soul can +do that has reached it--Effects of the great Graces of our Lord + +XVII. The Third State of Prayer--The Effects thereof--The +Hindrance caused by the Imagination and the Memory + +XVIII. The Fourth State of Prayer--The great Dignity of the Soul +raised to it by our Lord--Attainable on Earth, not by our Merit, +but by the Goodness of our Lord + +XIX. The Effects of this Fourth State of Prayer--Earnest +Exhortations to those who have attained to it not to go back nor +to cease from Prayer, even if they fall--The great Calamity of +going back + +XX. The Difference between Union and Rapture--What Rapture +is--The Blessing it is to the Soul--The Effects of it + +XXI. Conclusion of the Subject--Pain of the Awakening--Light +against Delusions + +XXII. The Security of Contemplatives lies in their not ascending +to high Things if our Lord does not raise them--The Sacred +Humanity must be the Road to the highest Contemplation--A +Delusion in which the Saint was once entangled + +XXIII. The Saint resumes the History of her Life--Aiming at +Perfection--Means whereby it may be gained--Instructions +for Confessors + +XXIV. Progress under Obedience--Her Inability to resist the +Graces of God--God multiplies His Graces + +XXV. Divine Locutions--Delusions on that Subject + +XXVI. How the Fears of the Saint vanished--How she was assured +that her Prayer was the Work of the Holy Spirit + +XXVII. The Saint prays to be directed in a different +way--Intellectual Visions + +XXVIII. Visions of the Sacred Humanity and of the glorified +Bodies--Imaginary Visions--Great Fruits thereof when they come +from God + +XXIX. Of Visions--The Graces our Lord bestowed on the Saint--The +Answers our Lord gave her for those who tried her + +XXX. St. Peter of Alcantara comforts the Saint--Great Temptations +and Interior Trials + +XXXI. Of certain outward Temptations and Appearances of Satan--Of +the Sufferings thereby occasioned--Counsels for those who go on +unto Perfection + +XXXII. Our Lord shows St. Teresa the Place which she had by her +Sins deserved in Hell--The Torments there--How the Monastery of +St. Joseph was founded + +XXXIII. The Foundation of the Monastery hindered--Our Lord +consoles the Saint + +XXXIV. The Saint leaves her Monastery of the Incarnation for a +time, at the command of her superior--Consoles an afflicted Widow + +XXXV. The Foundation of the House of St. Joseph--Observance of +holy Poverty therein--How the Saint left Toledo + +XXXVI. The Foundation of the Monastery of St. Joseph--Persecution +and Temptations--Great interior Trial of the Saint, and +her Deliverance + +XXXVII. The Effects of the divine Graces in the Soul--The +inestimable Greatness of one Degree of Glory + +XXXVIII. Certain heavenly Secrets, Visions, and Revelations--The +Effects of them in her Soul + +XXXIX. Other Graces bestowed on the Saint--The Promises of our +Lord to her--Divine Locutions and Visions + +XL. Visions, Revelations, and Locutions + +The Relations. + +Relation. + +I. Sent to St. Peter of Alcantara in 1560 from the Monastery of +the Incarnation, Avila + +II. To one of her Confessors, from the House of Dona Luisa de la +Cerda, in 1562 + +III. Of various Graces granted to the Saint from the year 1568 to +1571, inclusive + +IV. Of the Graces the Saint received in Salamanca at the end of +Lent, 1571 + +V. Observations on certain Points of Spirituality + +VI. The Vow of Obedience to Father Gratian which the Saint made +in 1575 + +VII. Made for Rodrigo Alvarez, S.J., in the year 1575, according +to Don Vicente de la Fuente; but in 1576, according to the +Bollandists and F. Bouix + +VIII. Addressed to F. Rodrigo Alvarez + +IX. Of certain spiritual Graces she received in Toledo and Avila +in the years 1576 and 1577 + +X. Of a Revelation to the Saint at Avila, 1579, and of Directions +concerning the Government of the Order + +XI. Written from Palencia in May, 1581, and addressed to Don +Alonzo Velasquez, Bishop of Osma, who had been when Canon of +Toledo, one of the Saint's Confessors + + + + + +Introduction to the Present Edition. + +When the publisher entrusted me with the task of editing this +volume, one sheet was already printed and a considerable portion +of the book was in type. Under his agreement with the owners of +the copyright, he was bound to reproduce the text and notes, +etc., originally prepared by Mr. David Lewis without any change, +so that my duty was confined to reading the proofs and verifying +the quotations. This translation of the Life of St. Teresa is so +excellent, that it could hardly be improved. While faithfully +adhering to her wording, the translator has been successful in +rendering the lofty teaching in simple and clear language, an +achievement all the more remarkable as in addition to the +difficulty arising from the transcendental nature of the subject +matter, the involved style, and the total absence of punctuation +tend to perplex the reader. Now and then there might be some +difference of opinion as to how St. Teresa's phrases should be +construed, but it is not too much to say that on the whole +Mr. Lewis has been more successful than any other translator, +whether English or foreign. Only in one case have I found it +necessary to make some slight alteration in the text, and I trust +the owners of the copyright will forgive me for doing so. In +Chapter XXV., § 4, St. Teresa, speaking of the difference between +the Divine and the imaginary locutions, says that a person +commending a matter to God with great earnestness, may think that +he hears whether his prayer will be granted or not: y es muy +posible, "and this is quite possible," but he who has ever heard +a Divine locution will see at once that this assurance is +something quite different. Mr. Lewis, following the old Spanish +editions, translated "And it is most impossible," whereas both +the autograph and the context demand the wording I have ventured +to substitute. + +When Mr. Lewis undertook the translation of St. Teresa's works, +he had before him Don Vicente de la Fuente's edition (Madrid, +1861-1862), supposed to be a faithful transcript of the original. +In 1873 the Sociedad Foto-Tipografica-Catolica of Madrid +published a photographic reproduction of the Saint's autograph in +412 pages in folio, which establishes the true text once for all. +Don Vicente prepared a transcript of this, in which he wisely +adopted the modern way of spelling but otherwise preserved the +original text, or at least pretended to do so, for a minute +comparison between autograph and transcript reveals the startling +fact that nearly a thousand inaccuracies have been allowed to +creep in. Most of these variants are immaterial, but there are +some which ought not to have been overlooked. Thus, in Chapter +XVIII. § 20, St. Teresa's words are: Un gran letrado de la orden +del glorioso santo Domingo, while Don Vicente retains the old +reading De la orden del glorioso patriarca santo Domingo. +Mr. Lewis possessed a copy of this photographic reproduction, but +utilised it only in one instance in his second edition. [1] + +The publication of the autograph has settled a point of some +importance. The Bollandists (n. 1520), discussing the question +whether the headings of the chapters (appended to this +Introduction) are by St. Teresa or a later addition, come to the +conclusion (against the authors of the Reforma de los Descalços) +that they are clearly an interpolation (clarissime patet) on +account of the praise of the doctrine contained in these +arguments. Notwithstanding their high authority the Bollandists +are in this respect perfectly wrong, the arguments are entirely +in St. Teresa's own hand and are exclusively her own work. +The Book of Foundations and the Way of Perfection contain similar +arguments in the Saint's handwriting. Nor need any surprise be +felt at the alleged praise of her doctrine for by saying: this +chapter is most noteworthy (Chap. XIV.), or: this is good +doctrine (Chap. XXI.), etc., she takes no credit for herself +because she never grows tired of repeating that she only delivers +the message she has received from our Lord. [2] The Bollandists, +not having seen the original, may be excused, but P. Bouix (whom +Mr. Lewis follows in this matter) had no right to suppress these +arguments. It is to be hoped that future editions of the works +of S. Teresa will not again deprive the reader of this remarkable +feature of her writings. What she herself thought of her books +is best told by Yepes in a letter to Father Luis de Leon, the +first editor of her works: "She was pleased when her writings +were being praised and her Order and the convents were held in +esteem. Speaking one day of the Way of Perfection, she rejoiced +to hear it praised, and said to me with great content: Some grave +men tell me that it is like Holy Scripture. For being revealed +doctrine it seemed to her that praising her book was like +praising God." [3] + +A notable feature in Mr. Lewis's translation is his division of +the chapters into short paragraphs. But it appears that he +rearranged the division during the process of printing, with the +result that a large number of references were wrong. No labour +has been spared in the correction of these, and I trust that the +present edition will be the more useful for it. In quoting the +Way of Perfection and the Interior Castle (which he calls Inner +Fortress!) Mr. Lewis refers to similar paragraphs which, however, +are to be found in no English edition. A new translation of +these two works is greatly needed, and, in the case of the Way of +Perfection, the manuscript of the Escurial should be consulted as +well as that of Valladolid. Where the writings of S. John of the +Cross are quoted by volume and page, the edition referred to is +the one of 1864, another of Mr. Lewis's masterpieces. +The chapters in Ribera's Life of St. Teresa refer to the edition +in the Acts of the Saint by the Bollandists. These and all other +quotations have been carefully verified, with the exception of +those taken from the works on Mystical theology by Antonius a +Spiritu Sancto and Franciscus a S. Thoma, which I was unable to +consult. I should have wished to replace the quotations from +antiquated editions of the Letters of our Saint by references to +the new French edition by P. Grégoire de S. Joseph (Paris, +Poussielgue, 1900), which may be considered as the +standard edition. + +In note 2 to Chap. XI. Mr. Lewis draws attention to a passage in +a sermon by S. Bernard containing an allusion to different ways +of watering a garden similar to St. Teresa's well-known +comparison. Mr. Lewis's quotation is incorrect, and I am not +certain what sermon he may have had in view. Something to the +point may be found in sermon 22 on the Canticle (Migne, +P. L. Vol. CLXXXIII, p. 879), and in the first sermon on the +Nativity of our Lord (ibid., p. 115), and also in a sermon on the +Canticle by one of St. Bernard's disciples (Vol. CLXXXIV., +p. 195). I am indebted to the Very Rev. Prior Vincent McNabb, +O.P., for the verification of a quotation from St. Vincent Ferrer +(Chap. XX. § 31). + +Since the publication of Mr. Lewis's translation the uncertainty +about the date of St. Teresa's profession has been cleared up. +Yepes, the Bollandists, P. Bouix, Don Vicente de la Fuente, +Mr. Lewis, and numerous other writers assume that she entered the +convent of the Incarnation [4] on November 2nd, 1533, and made +her profession on November 3rd, 1534. The remaining dates of +events previous to her conversion are based upon this, as will be +seen from the chronology printed by Mr. Lewis at the end of his +Preface and frequently referred to in the footnotes. It rests, +however, on inadequate evidence, namely on a single passage in +the Life [5] where the Saint says that she was not yet twenty +years old when she made her first supernatural experience in +prayer. She was twenty in March, 1535, and as this event took +place after her profession, the latter was supposed by Yepes and +his followers to have taken place in the previous November. +Even if we had no further evidence, the fact that St. Teresa is +not always reliable in her calculation should have warned us not +to rely too much upon a somewhat casual statement. In the first +chapter, § 7, she positively asserts that she was rather less +than twelve years old at the death of her mother, whereas we know +that she was at least thirteen years and eight months old. As to +the profession we have overwhelming evidence that it took place +on the 3rd of November, 1536, and her entrance in the convent a +year and a day earlier. To begin with, we have the positive +statement of her most intimate friends, Julian d'Avila, Father +Ribera, S.J., and Father Jerome Gratian. Likewise doña Maria +Pinel, nun of the Incarnation, says in her deposition: "She +(Teresa of Jesus) took the habit on 2 November, 1535." [6] +This is corroborated by various passages in the Saint's writings. +Thus, in Relation VII., written in 1575, she says, speaking of +herself: "This nun took the habit forty years ago." Again in a +passage of the Life written about the end of 1564 or the +beginning of the following year, [7] she mentions that she has +been a nun for over twenty-eight years, which points to her +profession in 1536. But there are two documents which place the +date of profession beyond dispute, namely the act of renunciation +of her right to the paternal inheritance and the deed of dowry +drawn up before a public notary. Both bear the date 31 October, +1536. The authors of the Reforma de los Descalços thought that +they must have been drawn up before St. Teresa took the habit, +and therefore placed this event in 1536 and the profession in +1537, but neither of these documents is necessarily connected +with the clothing, yet both must have been completed before +profession. The Constitutions of Blessed John Soreth, drawn up +in 1462, which were observed at the convent of the Incarnation, +contain the following rule with regard to the reception and +training of novices: [8] Consulimus quod recipiendus ante +susceptionem habitus expediat se de omnibus quae habet in saeculo +nisi ex causa rationabili per priorem generalem vel provincialem +fuerit aliter ordinatum. There was, indeed, good reason in the +case of St. Teresa to postpone these legal matters. Her father +was much opposed to her becoming a nun, but considering his piety +it might have been expected that before the end of the year of +probation he would grant his consent (which in the event he did +the very day she took the habit), and make arrangements for the +dowry. One little detail concerning her haste in entering the +convent has been preserved by the Reforma and the +Bollandists, [9] though neither seem to have understood its +meaning. On leaving the convent of the Incarnation for +St. Joseph's in 1563, St. Teresa handed the prioress of the +former convent a receipt for her bedding, habit and discipline. +This almost ludicrous scrupulosity was in conformity with a +decision of the general chapter of 1342 which said: Ingrediens +ordinem ad sui ipsius instantiam habeat lectisternia pro se ipso, +sin autem recipiens solvat lectum illum. As St. Teresa entered +the convent without the knowledge of her father she did not bring +this insignificant trousseau with her; accordingly the prioress +became responsible for it and obtained a receipt when St. Teresa +went to the new convent. The dowry granted by Alphonso Sanchez +de Cepeda to his daughter consisted of twenty-five measures, +partly wheat, partly barley, or, in lieu thereof, two hundred +ducats per annum. Few among the numerous nuns of the Incarnation +could have brought a better or even an equal dowry. + +The date of St. Teresa's profession being thus fixed on the 3rd +of November, 1536, some other dates of the chronology must be +revised. Her visit to Castellanos de la Canada must have taken +place in the early part of 1537. But already before this time +the Saint had an experience which should have proved a warning to +her, and the neglect of which she never ceased to deplore, namely +the vision of our Lord; [10] her own words are that this event +took place "at the very beginning of her acquaintance with the +person" who exercised so dangerous an influence upon her. +Mr. Lewis assigns to it the date 1542, which is impossible seeing +that instead of twenty-six it was only twenty-two years before +she wrote that passage of her life. Moreover, it would have +fallen into the midst of her lukewarmness (according to +Mr. Lewis's chronology) instead of the very beginning. P. Bouix +rightly assigns it to the year 1537, but as he is two years in +advance of our chronology it does not agree with the surrounding +circumstances as described by him. Bearing in mind the hint +St. Teresa gives [11] as to her disposition immediately after her +profession, we need not be surprised if the first roots of her +lukewarmness show themselves so soon. + +From Castellanos she proceeded to Hortigosa on a visit to her +uncle. While there she became acquainted with the book called +Tercer Abecedario. Don Vicente remarks that the earliest edition +known to him was printed in 1537, which tells strongly against +the chronology of the Bollandists, P. Bouix, and others. +Again, speaking of her cure at Bezadas she gives a valuable hint +by saying that she remained blind to certain dangers for more +than seventeen years until the Jesuit fathers finally undeceived +her. As these came to Avila in 1555 the seventeen years lead us +back to 1538, which precisely coincides with her sojourn at +Bezadas. She remained there until Pascua florida of the +following year. P. Bouix and others understand by this term Palm +Sunday, but Don Vicente shows good reason that Easter Sunday is +meant, which in 1539 was April the 6th. She then returned to +Avila, more dead than alive, and remained seriously ill for +nearly three years, until she was cured through the miraculous +intervention of St. Joseph about the beginning of 1542. +Now began the period of lukewarmness which was temporally +interrupted by the illness and death of her father, in 1544 or +1545, and came to an end about 1555. Don Vicente, followed by +Mr. Lewis, draws attention to what he believes to be a "proof of +great laxity of the convent," that St. Teresa should have been +urged by one of her confessors to communicate as often as once a +fortnight. It should be understood that frequent communion such +as we now see it practised was wholly unknown in her time. +The Constitutions of the Order specified twelve days on which all +those that were not priests should communicate, adding: +Verumtamen fratres professi prout Deus eis devotionem contulerit +diebus dominicis et festis duplicibus (i.e., on feasts of our +Lady, the Apostles, etc.), communicare poterunt si qui velint. +Thus, communicating about once a month St. Teresa acted as +ordinary good Religious were wont to do, and by approaching the +sacrament more frequently she placed herself among the more +fervent nuns. [12] + +St. Teresa wrote quite a number of different accounts of her +life. The first, addressed to Father Juan de Padranos, S.J. [13] +and dated 1557, is now lost. The second, written for St. Peter +of Alcantara, is Relation I. at the end of this volume; a copy of +it, together with a continuation (Relation II.) was sent to +Father Pedro Ibañez in 1562. It is somewhat difficult to admit +that in the very same year she wrote another, more extensive, +account to the same priest, which is generally called the "first" +Life. At the end of the Life such as we have it now, St. Teresa +wrote: "This book was finished in June, 1562," and Father Bañez +wrote underneath: "This date refers to the first account which +the Holy Mother Teresa of Jesus wrote of her life; it was not +then divided into chapters. Afterwards she made this copy and +inserted in it many things which had taken place subsequent to +this date, such as the foundation of the monastery of St. Joseph +of Avila." Elsewhere Father Bañez says: [14] "Of one of her +books, namely, the one in which she recorded her life and the +manner of prayer whereby God had led her, I can say that she +composed it to the end that her confessors might know her the +better and instruct her, and also that it might encourage and +animate those who learn from it the great mercy God had shown +her, a great sinner as she humbly acknowledged herself to be. +This book was already written when I made her acquaintance, her +previous confessors having given her permission to that effect. +Among these was a licentiate of the Dominican Order, the Reverend +Father Pedro Ibañez, reader of Divinity at Avila. She afterwards +completed and recast this book." These two passages of Bañez +have led the biographers of the Saint to think that she wrote her +Life twice, first in 1561 and the following year, completing it +in the house of Doña Luisa de la Cerda at Toledo, in the month of +June; and secondly between 1563 and 1565 at St. Joseph's Convent +of Avila. They have been at pains to point out a number of +places which could not have been in the "first" Life, but must +have been added in the second; [15] and they took it for granted +that the letter with which the book as we now have it concludes, +was addressed to Father Ibañez in 1562, when the Saint sent him +the "first" Life. It bears neither address nor date, but from +its contents I am bound to conclude that it was written in 1565, +that it refers to the "second" Life, and that whomsoever it was +addressed to, it cannot have been to Father Ibañez, who was +already dead at the time. [16] Saint Teresa asks the writer to +send a copy of the book to Father Juan de Avila. Now we know +from her letters that as late as 1568 this request had not been +complied with, and that St. Teresa had to write twice to Doña +Luisa for this purpose; [17] but if she had already given these +instructions in 1562, it is altogether incomprehensible that she +did not see to it earlier, especially when the "first" Life was +returned to her for the purpose of copying and completing it. +The second reason which prevents me from considering this letter +as connected with the "first" Life will be examined when I come +to speak of the different ends the Saint had in view when writing +her Life. It is more difficult to say to whom the letter was +really addressed. The Reforma suggests Father Garcia de Toledo, +Dominican, who bade the Saint write the history of the foundation +of St. Joseph's at Avila [18] and who was her confessor at that +convent. It moreover believes that he it is to whom Chapter +XXXIV. §§ 8-20 refers, and this opinion appears to me plausible. +As to the latter point, Yepes thinks the Dominican at Toledo was +Father Vicente Barron, the Bollandists offer no opinion, and +Mr. Lewis, in his first edition gives first the one and then the +other. If, as I think, Father Garcia was meant, the passage in +Chapter XVI. § 10, beginning "O, my son," would concern him also, +as well as several passages where Vuestra Merced--you, my +Father--is addressed. For although the book came finally into +the hands of Father Bañez, it was first delivered into those of +the addressee of the letter. + +Whether the previous paper was a mere "Relation," or really a +first attempt at a "Life," [19] there can be no dispute about its +purpose: St. Teresa speaks of it in the following terms: "I had +recourse to my Dominican father (Ibañez); I told him all about my +visions, my way of prayer, the great graces our Lord had given +me, as clearly as I could, and begged him to consider the matter +well, and tell me if there was anything therein at variance with +the Holy Writings, and give me his opinion on the whole +matter." [20] The account thus rendered had the object of +enabling Father Ibañez to give her light upon the state of her +soul. But while she was drawing it up, a great change came over +her. During St. Teresa's sojourn at Toledo she became from a +pupil an experienced master in Mystical knowledge. "When I was +there a religious" (probably Father Garcia de Toledo) "with whom +I had conversed occasionally some years ago, happened to arrive. +When I was at Mass in a monastery of his Order, I felt a longing +to know the state of his soul." [21] Three times the Saint rose +from her seat, three times she sat down again, but at last she +went to see him in a confessional, not to ask for any light for +herself, but to give him what light she could, for she wished to +induce him to surrender himself more perfectly to God, and this +she accomplished by telling him how she had fared since their +last meeting. No one who reads this remarkable chapter can help +being struck by the change that has come over Teresa: the period +of her schooling is at an end, and she is now the great teacher +of Mystical theology. Her humility does not allow her to speak +with the same degree of openness upon her achievements as she did +when making known her failings, yet she cannot conceal the Gift +of Wisdom she had received and the use she made of it. + +St. Teresa's development, if extraordinary considering the degree +of spirituality she reached, was nevertheless gradual and +regular. With her wonderful power of analysis, she has given us +not only a clear insight into her interior progress, but also a +sketch of the development of her understanding of supernatural +things. "It is now (i.e., about the end of 1563) some five or +six years, I believe, since our Lord raised me to this state of +prayer, in its fulness, and that more than once,--and I never +understood it, and never could explain it; and so I was resolved, +when I should come thus far in my story, to say very little or +nothing at all." [22] In the following chapter she adds: "You, +my father, will be delighted greatly to find an account of the +matter in writing, and to understand it; for it is one grace that +our Lord gives grace; and it is another grace to understand what +grace and what gift it is; and it is another and further grace to +have the power to describe and explain it to others. Though it +does not seem that more than the first of these--the giving of +grace--is necessary, it is a great advantage and a great grace to +understand it." [23] These words contain the clue to much that +otherwise would be obscure in the life of our Saint: great graces +were bestowed upon her, but at first she neither understood them +herself nor was she able to describe them. Hence the inability +of her confessors and spiritual advisers to guide her. +Her natural gifts, great though they were, did not help her much. +"Though you, my father, may think that I have a quick +understanding, it is not so; for I have found out in many ways +that my understanding can take in only, as they say, what is +given it to eat. Sometimes my confessor used to be amazed at my +ignorance: and he never explained to me--nor, indeed, did I +desire to understand--how God did this, nor how it could be. +Nor did I ever ask." [24] At first she was simply bewildered by +the favours shown her, afterwards she could not help knowing, +despite the fears of over anxious friends, that they did come +from God, and that so far from imperilling her soul made a +different woman of her, but even then she was not able to explain +to others what she experienced in herself. But shortly before +the foundation of St. Joseph's convent she received the last of +the three graces mentioned above, the Gift of Wisdom, and the +scene at Toledo is the first manifestation of it. + +This explains the difference of the "Life" such as we know it +from the first version or the "Relations" preceding it. +Whatever this writing was, it still belonged to the period of her +spiritual education, whereas the volume before us is the +first-fruit of her spiritual Mastership. The new light that had +come to her induced her confessors [25] to demand a detailed work +embodying everything she had learned from her heavenly +Teacher. [26] The treatise on Mystical theology contained in +Chapters X. to XXI., the investigation of Divine locutions, +Visions and Revelations in the concluding portion of the work +could have had no place in any previous writing. While her +experiences before she obtained the Gift of Wisdom influenced but +three persons (one of them being her father), a great many +profited by her increased knowledge. [27] The earlier writings +were but confidential communications to her confessors, and if +they became known to larger circles this was due to indiscretion. +But her "Life" was written from the beginning with a view to +publication. Allusions to this object may be found in various +places [28] as well as in the letter appended to the book, [29] +but the decisive utterances must be sought for elsewhere, namely +in the "Way of Perfection." This work was written immediately +after the "Life," while the Saint was as yet at the convent of +St. Joseph's. It was re-written later on and is now only known +in its final shape, but the first version, the original of which +is preserved at the Escurial and has been reproduced +photographically, leaves no doubt as to the intentions of +St. Teresa in writing her "Life." "I have written a few days ago +a certain Relation of my Life. But since it might happen that my +confessor may not permit you (the Sisters of St. Joseph's) to +read it, I will put here some things concerning prayer which are +conformable to what I have said there, as well as some other +things which appear to me to be necessary." [30] Again: "As all +this is better explained in the book which I say I have written, +there is no need for me to speak of it with so much detail. +I have said there all I know. Those of you who have been led by +God to this degree of contemplation (and I say that some have +been led so far), should procure the book because it is important +for you, after I am dead." [31] At the end she writes: "Since +the Lord has taught you the way and has inspired me as to what I +should put in the book which I say has been written, how they +should behave who have arrived at this fountain of living water +and what the soul feels there, and how God satiates her and makes +her lose the thirst for things of this world and causes her to +grow in things pertaining to the service of God; that book, +therefore, will be of great help for those who have arrived at +this state, and will give them much light. Procure it. +For Father Domingo Bañez, presentado of the Order of St. Dominic +who, as I say, is my confessor, and to whom I shall give this, +has it: if he judges that you should see this, and gives it to +you, he will also give you the other." [32] While the first and +second of these quotations may be found, somewhat weakened, in +the final version of the "Way of Perfection," the last one is +entirely omitted. Nor need this surprise us, for Father Bañez +had his own ideas about the advisability of the publication of +the "Life." In his deposition, already referred to, he says: "It +was not convenient that this book should become public during her +lifetime, but rather that it should be kept at the Holy Office +(the Inquisition) until we knew the end of this person; it was +therefore quite against my will that some copies were taken while +it was in the hands of the bishop Don Alvaro Mendoza, who, being +a powerful prelate and having received it from the said Teresa of +Jesus, allowed it to be copied and showed it to his sister, doña +Maria de Mendoza; thus certain persons taking an interest in +spiritual matters and knowing already some portions of this +treatise (evidently the contents of the divulged Relations) made +further copies, one of which became the property of the Duchess +of Alba, doña Maria Enriquez, and is now, I think, in the hands +of her daughter-in-law, doña Maria de Toledo. All this was +against my wish, and I was much annoyed with the said Teresa of +Jesus, though I knew well it was not her fault but the fault of +those to whom she had confided the book, and I told her she ought +to burn the original because it would never do that the writings +of women should become public property; to which she answered she +was quite aware of it and would certainly burn it if I told her +to do so; but knowing her great humility and obedience I did not +dare to have it destroyed but handed it to the Holy Office for +safe-keeping, whence it has been withdrawn since her death and +published in print." [33] From this it will be seen that Bañez, +who had given a most favourable opinion when the "Life" was +denounced to the Inquisition (1574), resulting in the approbation +by Cardinal de Quiroga to the great joy of St. Teresa, [34] +returned it to the Holy Office for safety's sake. It was +withdrawn by the Ven. Mother Anne of Jesus when the Order had +decided upon the publication of the works of the Saint, but too +late to be utilised then. Father Luis de Leon, the editor, had +to content himself with the copy already alluded to. + +St. Teresa wrote her "Life" slowly. It was begun in spring, +1563, [35] and completed in May or June, 1565. She complains +that she can only work at it by stealth on account of her duties +at the distaff; [36] but the book is written with so much order +and method, the manuscript is so free from mistakes, corrections +and erasures, that we may conclude that while spinning she worked +it out in her mind, so that the apparent delay proved most +advantageous. In this respect the "Life" is superior to the +first version of the "Way of Perfection." This latter work was +printed during her lifetime, though it appeared only after her +death. In 1586 the Definitory of the province of Discalced +Carmelites decided upon the publication of the complete works of +the Saint, but for obvious reasons deemed not only the members of +her own Order but also Dominicans and Jesuits ineligible for the +post of editor. Such of the manuscripts as could be found were +therefore confided to the Augustinian Father, Luis de Leon, +professor at Salamanca, who prepared the edition but did not live +to carry it through the press. The fact that he did not know the +autograph of the "Life" accounts for the numerous inaccuracies to +be found in nearly all editions, but the publication of the +original should ensure a great improvement for the future. + +St. Teresa's canonisation took place before the stringent laws of +Urban VIII. came into force. Consequently, the writings of the +Saint were not then enquired into, the Holy See contenting itself +with the approbations granted by the Spanish Inquisition, and by +the congregation of the Rota in Rome. A certain number of +passages selected from various works having been denounced by +some Roman theologians as being contrary to the teaching of +St. Thomas Aquinas and other authorities, Diego Alvarez, a +Dominican, and John Rada, a Franciscan, were commissioned to +examine the matter and report on it. The twelve censures with +the answers of the two theologians and the final judgment of the +Rota seem to have remained unknown to the Bollandists. [37] +The "heavenly doctrine" of St. Teresa is alluded to not only in +the Bull of canonisation but even in the Collect of the Mass of +the Saint. + +Concerning the English translations of the "Life" noticed by +Mr. Lewis it should be mentioned that the one ascribed to Abraham +Woodhead is only partly his work. Father Bede of St. Simon Stock +(Walter Joseph Travers), a Discalced Carmelite, labouring on the +English Mission from 1660 till 1692, was anxious to complete the +translation of St. Teresa's works into English. He had not +proceeded very far when he learnt that "others were engaged in +the same task. On enquiry he found that a new translation was +contemplated by two graduates of the University of Cambridge, +converts to the Faith, most learned and pious men, who were +leading a solitary life, spending their time and talents in the +composition of controversial and devotional works for the good of +their neighbour and the glory of God." One of these two men was +Woodhead, who, however, was an Oxford man, but the name of the +other, who must have been a Cambridge man, is not known. +They undertook the translation while Father Bede provided the +funds and bore the risks of what was then a dangerous work. +As there existed already two English translations of the "Life," +the first volume to appear (1669) contained the Book of +Foundations, to which was prefixed the history of the foundation +of St. Joseph's from the "Life." When, therefore, the new +translation of the latter appeared, in 1671, this portion of the +book was omitted. [38] The translation was made direct from the +Spanish but "uniformly with the Italian edition." + +Mr. Lewis, whose translation is the fifth, was born on the 12th +of November, 1814, and died on January the 23rd, 1895. The first +edition was printed in 1870, the second in 1888. It is +regrettable that the latter edition, of which the present is a +reprint, omitted the marginal notes which would have been so +helpful to the reader. + +St. Teresa's life and character having always been a favourite +study of men and women of various schools of thought, it may be +useful to notice here a few recent English and foreign works on +the subject:-- + +The Life of Saint Teresa, by the author of "Devotions before and +after Holy Communion" (i.e., Miss Maria Trench), London, 1875. + +The Life of Saint Teresa of the Order of Our Lady of Mount +Carmel. Edited with a preface by the Archbishop of Westminster +(Cardinal Manning), London, 1865. (By Miss Elizabeth Lockhart, +afterwards first abbess of the Franciscan convent, Notting Hill.) +Frequently reprinted. + +The Life and Letters of St. Teresa, by Henry James Coleridge, +S.J. Quarterly Series. 3 vols (1881, 1887, 1888). + +And, from another point of view: + +The Life of St. Teresa, by Gabriela Cunninghame-Graham, 2 vols, +London, 1894. + +Histoire de Sainte Thérèse d'après les Bollandistes. 2 vols, +Nantes, 1882. Frequently reprinted. The author is +Mlle. Adelaide Lecornu (born 5 July, 1852, died at the Carmelite +convent at Caen, 14 December, 1901. Her name in religion was +Adelaide-Jéronyme-Zoe-Marie du Sacré-Coeur). + +An excellent character sketch of the Saint has appeared in the +"Les Saints" series (Paris, Lecoffre, 1901): + +Sainte Thérèse, par Henri Joly. + +Although the attempt at explaining the extraordinary phenomena in +the life of St. Teresa by animal Magnetism and similar obscure +theories had already been exploded by the Bollandists, it has +lately been revived by Professor Don Arturo Perales Gutierrez of +Granada, and Professor Don Fernando Segundo Brieva Salvatierra of +Madrid, who considered her a subject of hysterical derangements. +The discussion carried on for some time, not only in Spain but +also in France, Germany, and other countries, has been ably +summed up and disposed of by P. Grégoire de S. Joseph: La +prétendue Hystérie de Sainte Thérèse. Lyons. + +The Bibliographie Thérèsienne, by Henry de Curzon (Paris, 1902) +is, unfortunately, too incomplete, not to say slovenly, to be of +much use. + +Finally, it is necessary to say a word about the spelling of the +name Teresa. In Spanish and Italian it should be written without +an h as these languages do not admit the use of Th; in English, +likewise, where this combination of letters represents a special +sound, the name should be spelt with T only. But the present +fashion of thus writing it in Latin, German, French, and other +languages, which generally maintain the etymological spelling, is +intolerable: The name is Greek, and was placed on the calendar in +honour of a noble Spanish lady, St. Therasia, who became the wife +of a Saint, Paulinus of Nola, and a Saint herself. See Sainte +Thérèse, Lettres au R. P. Bouix, by the Abbé Postel, Paris, 1864. +The derivation of the name from the Hebrew Thersa can no longer +be defended (Father Jerome-Gratian, in Fuente, Obras, Vol. VI., +p. 369 sqq.). + +Benedict Zimmerman, +Prior O.C.D. + +St. Luke's Priory, +Wincanton, Somerset. +16th July, 1904. + + +1. Chap. xxxiv., note 5. + +2. Chap. xviii. § 11. + +3. Fuente, Obras (1881), vol. vi. p. 133. + +4. See the licence granted by Leo X. to the prioress and convent +of the Incarnation to build another house for the use of the said +convent, and to migrate thither (Vatican Archives, Dataria, Leo +X., anno i., vol. viii., fol. 82). Also a licence to sell or +exchange certain property belonging to it (ibid., anno iv., +vol. vii., f. 274; and a charge to the Bishop of Avila concerning +a recourse of the said convent (ibid., anno vii., vol. iv., +f. 24). + +5. Chap. iv § 9. + +6. Lettres de Ste. Thérèse, edit. P. Grégoire de S. Joseph, +vol. iii, p. 419, note 2. + +7. Chap. xxxvi. § 10. The date of this part of the Life can be +easily ascertained from the two following chapters. In xxxvii. § +18, St. Teresa says that she is not yet fifty years old, +consequently the chapter must have been written before the end of +March, 1565; and in the next chapter, xxxviii. § 15, she speaks +of the death of Father Pedro Ibañez, which appears to have taken +place on 2nd February. This, at least, is the date under which +his name appears in the Année Dominicaine, and the Very +Rev. Prior Vincent McNabb tells me that there is every reason to +think that it is the date of his death. + +8. When about A.D. 1452 certain communities of Beguines demanded +affiliation to the Carmelite Order, they were given the +Constitutions of the friars without any alterations. +These Constitutions were revised in 1462, but neither there nor +in the Acts of the General Chapters, so far as these are +preserved, is there the slightest reference to convents of nuns. +The colophon of the printed edition (Venice, 1499) shows that +they held good for friars and nuns: Expliciunt sacrae +constitutiones novae fratrum et sororum beatae Mariae de Monte +Carmelo. They contain the customary laws forbidding the friars +under pain of excommunication, to leave the precincts of their +convents without due licence, but do not enjoin strict enclosure, +which would have been incompatible with their manner of life and +their various duties. St. Teresa nowhere insinuates that the +Constitutions, such as they were, were not kept at the +Incarnation; her remarks in chap. vii. are aimed at the +Constitutions themselves, which were never made for nuns, and +therefore did not provide for the needs of their convents. + +9. Reforma lib. i., cap. 47. Bollandists. no. 366. + +10. Chap. vii. § 11. + +11. Chap. v. § 2. + +12. Constitutions of 1462. Part i., cap. x. + +13. Chap. xxiii. § 17. + +14. Deposition for the process of canonisation, written in 1591. +Fuente, Obras, vol. vi., p. 174. + +15. See the notes to chapters vii. § 11; xvi. § 10; xx. § 6; +xxiv. § 4; xxvii. § 17. At the end of chapter xxxi. we are told +on the authority of Don Vicente that the "first" Life must have +ended at this point. + +16. Bollandists, no. 1518. + +17. Lettres, edit. Grégoire. I., pp. 13 (18 May, 1568); 21 +(27 May); 35 (2 November). + +18. Reforma, vol. i., lib. v., cap. xxxv., no. 9. Bollandists, +no. 1518. + +19. If the latter, it must have been very much shorter than the +second edition, and can scarcely have contained more than the +first nine chapters (perhaps verbatim) and an account of the +visions, locutions, etc., contained in chapters xxiii.-xxxi., +without comment. + +20. Chap. xxxiii. § 7. + +21. Chap. xxxiv. § 8. + +22. Chap. xvi. § 2. + +23. Chap. xvii. § 7. + +24. Chap. xxviii. § 10. + +25. In the Prologue to the Book of Foundations, Father Garcia de +Toledo, her confessor at St. Joseph's Convent, is said to be +responsible for the order to rewrite the "Life"; but in the +Preface to the "Life" St. Teresa speaks of her "confessors" in +the plural. Fathers Ibañez and Bañez may be included in the +number. See also ch. xxx. § 27. + +26. Chap. xviii. § 11. + +27. Chap. xiii. § 22. In chap. xvi. § 12, the Saint says: "I +wish we five who now love one another in our Lord, had made some +such arrangement, etc." Fuente is of opinion that these five +were, besides the Saint, Father Julian de Avila, Don Francisco de +Salcedo, St. John of the Cross, and Don Lorenzo de Cepeda, +St. Teresa's brother: but this is impossible at the date of this +part of the "Life." It is more probable that she meant Francisco +de Salcedo, Gaspar Daza, Julian de Avila, and Father Ibañez, the +latter being still alive in the beginning of 1564, when this +chapter was written. It is more difficult to say who the three +confessors were whom St. Teresa desired to see the "Life" +(ch. xl. § 32). If, as I think, the book was first handed to +Father Garcia de Toledo, the others may have been Francisco de +Salcedo, Baltasar Alvarez, and Gaspar de Salazar. + +28. Chap. x. §§ 11 and 12. + +29. This is the second reason why the letter could not have been +addressed to Father Ibañez in 1562. + +30. Edited by Don Francisco Herrero Bayona, 1883 p. 4. + +31. Ibid., chap. xli. (see Dalton's translation, chap. xxv.). + +32. Ibid., chap. lxxiii. See the difference in Dalton's +translation, chap. xlii. + +33. Fuente, Obras, vol. vi., p. 275. + +34. See the following Preface, p. xxxvii. Lettres, ed. Grégoire, +ii., p. 65. P. Bertholde-Ignace, Vie de la Mère Anne de Jésus, +i., p. 472. + +35. In the Prologue to the Book of Foundations, St. Teresa says +that Father Garcia de Toledo ordered her to rewrite the book the +same year in which St. Joseph's Convent was founded, i.e. 1562, +but seeing that she only spent a few hours there and that the +principal difficulties only arose after her return to the +Incarnation, it appears more probable that Father Garcia's +command was not made until the spring of the following year, when +she went to live at St. Joseph's. + +36. Chap. x. § 11. + +37. See Historia Generalis Fratrum Discalceatorum Ordinis +B. Virginis Mariae de Monte Carmelo Congregationis Eliae. +Romae, 1668, vol. i., pp. 340-358 ad ann. 1604. + +38. See Carmel in England, by Rev. Father B. Zimmerman, +p. 240 sqq. + + + + + +St. Teresa's Arguments of the Chapters. + + +J.H.S. + + +J.H.S. Chapter I. [1]--In which she tells how God [2] began to +dispose this soul from childhood for virtue, and how she was +helped by having virtuous parents. + +Chapter II.--How she lost these virtues and how important it is +to deal from childhood with virtuous persons. + +Chapter III.--In which she sets forth how good company was the +means of her resuming good intentions, and in what manner God +began to give her some light on the deception to which she +was subjected. + +Chapter IV.--She explains how, with the assistance of God, she +compelled herself to take the (Religious) habit, and how His +Majesty began to send her many infirmities. + +Chapter V.--She continues to speak of the great infirmities she +suffered and the patience God gave her to bear them, and how He +turned evil into good, as is seen from something that happened +at the place where she went for a cure. + +Chapter VI.--Of the great debt she owes God for giving her +conformity of her will (with His) in her trials, and how she +turned towards the glorious St. Joseph as her helper and +advocate, and how much she profited thereby. + +Chapter VII.--Of the way whereby she lost the graces God had +granted her, and the wretched life she began to lead; she also +speaks of the danger arising from the want of a strict enclosure +in convents of nuns. + +Chapter VIII.--Of the great advantage she derived from not +entirely abandoning prayer so as not to lose her soul; and what +an excellent remedy this is in order to win back what one has +lost. She exhorts everybody to practise prayer, and shows what a +gain it is, even if one should have given it up for a time, to +make use of so great a good. + +Chapter IX.--By what means God began to rouse her soul and give +light in the midst of darkness, and to strengthen her virtues so +that she should not offend Him. + +Chapter X.--She begins to explain the graces God gave her in +prayer, and how much we can do for ourselves, and of the +importance of understanding God's mercies towards us. +She requests those to whom this is to be sent to keep the +remainder (of this book) secret, since they have commanded her to +go into so many details about the graces God has shown her. + +Chapter XI.--In which she sets forth how it is that we do not +love God perfectly in a short time. She begins to expound by +means of a comparison four degrees of prayer, of the first of +which she treats here; this is most profitable for beginners and +for those who find no taste in prayer. + +Chapter XII.--Continuation of the first state. She declares how +far, with the grace of God, we can proceed by ourselves, and +speaks of the danger of seeking supernatural and extraordinary +experiences before God lifts up the soul. + +Chapter XIII.--She continues to treat of the first degree, and +gives advice with respect to certain temptations sometimes sent +by Satan. This is most profitable. + +Chapter XIV.--She begins to explain the second degree of prayer +in which God already gives the soul special consolations, which +she shows here to be supernatural. This is most noteworthy. + +Chapter XV.--Continuing the same subject, she gives certain +advice how one should behave in the prayer of quiet. She shows +that many souls advance so far, but that few go beyond. +The matters treated of in this chapter are very necessary +and profitable. + +Chapter XVI.--On the third degree of prayer; she declares things +of an elevated nature; what the soul that has come so far can do, +and the effect of such great graces of God. This is calculated +to greatly animate the spirit to the praise of God, and contains +advice for those who have reached this point. + +Chapter XVII.--Continues to declare matters concerning the third +degree of prayer and completes the explanation of its effects. +She also treats of the impediment caused by the imagination and +the memory. + +Chapter XVIII.--She treats of the fourth degree of prayer, and +begins to explain [3] in what high dignity God holds a soul that +has attained this state; this should animate those who are given +to prayer, to make an effort to reach so high a state since it +can be obtained in this world, though not by merit but only +through the goodness of God. [4] + +Chapter XIX.--She continues the same subject, and begins to +explain the effects on the soul of this degree of prayer. +She earnestly exhorts not to turn back nor to give up prayer even +if, after having received this favour, one should fall. +She shows the damage that would result (from the neglect of this +advice). This is most noteworthy and consoling for the weak and +for sinners. + +Chapter XX.--She speaks of the difference between Union and +Trance, and explains what a Trance is; she also says something +about the good a soul derives from being, through God's goodness, +led so far. She speaks of the effects of Union. [5] + +Chapter XXI.--She continues and concludes this last degree of +prayer, and says what a soul having reached it feels when obliged +to turn back and live in the world, and speaks of the light God +gives concerning the deceits (of the world). This is +good doctrine. + +Chapter XXII.--In which she shows that the safest way for +contemplatives is not to lift up the spirit to high things but to +wait for God to lift it up. How the Sacred Humanity of Christ is +the medium for the most exalted contemplation. She mentions an +error under which she laboured for some time. This chapter is +most profitable. + +Chapter XXIII.--She returns to the history of her life, how she +began to practise greater perfection. This is profitable for +those who have to direct souls practising prayer that they may +know how to deal with beginners, and she speaks of the profit she +derived from such knowledge. + +Chapter XXIV.--She continues the same subject and tells how her +soul improved since she began to practise obedience, and how +little she was able to resist God's graces, and how His Majesty +continued to give them more and more abundantly. + +Chapter XXV.--Of the manner in which Locutions of God are +perceived by the soul without being actually heard; and of some +deceits that might take place in this matter, and how one is to +know which is which. This is most profitable for those who are +in this degree of prayer, because it is very well explained, and +contains excellent doctrine. + +Chapter XXVI.--She continues the same subject; explains and tells +things that have happened to her which caused her to lose fear +and convinced her that the spirit which spoke to her was a +good one. + +Chapter XXVII.--Of another way in which God teaches a soul, and, +without speaking, makes His Will known in an admirable manner. +She goes on to explain a vision, though not an imaginary one, and +a great grace with which God favoured her. This chapter +is noteworthy. + +Chapter XXVIII.--She treats of the great favours God showed her, +and how He appeared to her for the first time; she explains what +an imaginary vision is, and speaks of the powerful effects it +leaves and the signs whether it is from God. This chapter is +most profitable and noteworthy. + +Chapter XXIX.--She continues and tells of some great mercies God +showed her, and what His Majesty said to her in order to assure +her (of the truth of these visions), and taught her how to +answer contradictors. + +Chapter XXX.--She continues the history of her life, and how God +sent her a remedy for all her anxieties by calling the holy Friar +Fray Pedro de Alcantara of the Order of the glorious St. Francis +to the place where she lived. She mentions some great +temptations and interior trials through which she sometimes had +to pass. + +Chapter XXXI.--She speaks of some exterior temptations and +apparitions of Satan, and how he ill-treated her. She mentions, +moreover, some very good things by way of advice to persons who +are walking on the way of perfection. + +Chapter XXXII.--She narrates how it pleased God to put her in +spirit in that place of Hell she had deserved by her sins. +She tells a little [6] of what she saw there compared with what +there was besides. She begins to speak of the manner and way +of founding the convent of St. Joseph where she now lives. + +Chapter XXXIII.--She continues the subject of the foundation of +the glorious St. Joseph. How she was commanded to have nothing +(further) to do with it, how she abandoned it, also the troubles +it brought her and how God consoled her in all this. + +Chapter XXXIV.--She shows how at that time it happened that she +absented herself from this place and how her Superior commanded +her to go away at the request of a very noble lady who was in +great affliction. She begins to tell what happened to her there, +and the great grace God bestowed upon her in determining through +her instrumentality a person of distinction to serve Him truly; +and how that person found favour and help in her (Teresa). +This is noteworthy. + +Chapter XXXV.--Continuation of the foundation of this house of +our glorious Father St. Joseph; in what manner our Lord ordained +that holy poverty should be observed there; the reason why she +left the lady with whom she had been staying, and some other +things that happened. + +Chapter XXXVI.--She continues the same subject, and shows how the +foundation of this convent of the glorious St. Joseph was finally +accomplished, and the great contradictions and persecutions she +had to endure after the Religious had taken the habit, and the +great trials and temptations through which she passed, and how +God led her forth victorious to His own glory and praise. + +Chapter XXXVII.--Of the effects which remained when God granted +her some favour; together with other very good doctrine. +She shows how one ought to strive after and prize every increase +in heavenly glory, and that for no trouble whatever one should +neglect a good that is to be perpetual. + +Chapter XXXVIII.--She treats of some great mercies God showed +her, even making known to her heavenly secrets by means of +visions and revelations His Majesty vouchsafed to grant her; she +speaks of the effects they caused and the great improvement +resulting in her soul. + +Chapter XXXIX.--She continues the same subject, mentioning great +graces granted her by God; how He promised to hear her requests +on behalf of persons for whom she should pray. Some remarkable +instances in which His Majesty thus favoured her. + +Chapter XL.--Continuation of the same subject of great mercies +God has shown her. From some of these very good doctrine may be +gathered, and this, as she declares, was, besides compliance with +obedience, her principal motive (in writing this book), namely to +enumerate such of these mercies as would be instructive to souls. +This chapter brings the history of her Life, written by herself, +to an end. May it be for the glory of God. Amen. + + +1. St. Teresa wrote no title, either of the whole book or of the +Preface, but only the monogram J.H.S., which is repeated at the +beginning of the first chapter and at the end of the last, +previous to the letter with which the volume concludes. + +2. "El Señor" is everywhere translated by "God" in distinction to +"Nuestro Señor," "Our Lord." + +3. "In an excellent manner," scored through by the Saint herself. + +4. "To be read with great care, as it is explained in a most +delicate way, and contains many noteworthy points," also scored +through by St. Teresa herself. + +5. "This is most admirable," scored through by the Saint. + +6. "Una cifra," a mere nothing. + + + + + +Preface by David Lewis. + + +St. Teresa was born in Avila on Wednesday, March 28, 1515. +Her father was Don Alfonso Sanchez de Cepeda, and her mother Doña +Beatriz Davila y Ahumada. The name she received in her baptism +was common to both families, for her great-grandmother on the +father's side was Teresa Sanchez, and her grandmother on her +mother's side was Teresa de las Cuevas. While she remained in +the world, and even after she had become a nun in the monastery +of the Incarnation, which was under the mitigated rule, she was +known as Doña Teresa Sanchez Cepeda Davila y Ahumada; for in +those days children took the name either of the father or of the +mother, as it pleased them. The two families were noble, but +that of Ahumada was no longer in possession of its former wealth +and power. [1] Doña Beatriz was the second wife of Don Alfonso, +and was related in the fourth degree to the first wife, as +appears from the dispensation granted to make the marriage valid +on the 16th of October, 1509. Of this marriage Teresa was the +third child. + +Doña Beatriz died young, and the eldest daughter, Maria de +Cepeda, took charge of her younger sisters--they were two--and +was as a second mother to them till her marriage, which took +place in 1531, when the Saint was in her sixteenth year. But as +she was too young to be left in charge of her father's house, and +as her education was not finished, she was sent to the +Augustinian monastery, the nuns of which received young girls, +and brought them up in the fear of God. [2] The Saint's own +account is that she was too giddy and careless to be trusted at +home, and that it was necessary to put her under the care of +those who would watch over her and correct her ways. +She remained a year and a half with the Augustinian nuns, and all +the while God was calling her to Himself. She was not willing to +listen to His voice; she would ask the nuns to pray for her that +she might have light to see her way; "but for all this," she +writes, "I wished not to be a nun." [3] By degrees her will +yielded, and she had some inclination to become a religious at +the end of the eighteen months of her stay, but that was all. +She became ill; her father removed her, and the struggle within +herself continued,--on the one hand, the voice of God calling +her; on the other, herself labouring to escape from her vocation. + +At last, after a struggle which lasted three months, she made up +her mind, and against her inclination, to give up the world. +She asked her father's leave, and was refused. She besieged him +through her friends, but to no purpose. "The utmost I could get +from him," she says, "was that I might do as I pleased after his +death." [4] How long this contest with her father lasted is not +known, but it is probable that it lasted many months, for the +Saint was always most careful of the feelings of others, and +would certainly have endured much rather than displease a father +whom she loved so much, and who also loved her more than his +other children. [5] + +But she had to forsake her father, and so she left her father's +house by stealth, taking with her one of her brothers, whom she +had persuaded to give himself to God in religion. The brother +and sister set out early in the morning, the former for the +monastery of the Dominicans, and the latter for the Carmelite +monastery of the Incarnation, in Avila. The nuns received her +into the house, but sent word to her father of his child's +escape. Don Alfonso, however, yielded at once, and consented to +the sacrifice which he was compelled to make. + +In the monastery of the Incarnation the Saint was led on, without +her own knowledge, to states of prayer so high, that she became +alarmed about herself. In the purity and simplicity of her soul, +she feared that the supernatural visitations of God might after +all be nothing else but delusions of Satan. [6] She was so +humble, that she could not believe graces so great could be given +to a sinner like herself. The first person she consulted in her +trouble seems to have been a layman, related to her family, Don +Francisco de Salcedo. He was a married man, given to prayer, and +a diligent frequenter of the theological lectures in the +monastery of the Dominicans. Through him she obtained the help +of a holy priest, Gaspar Daza, to whom she made known the state +of her soul. The priest, hindered by his other labours, declined +to be her director, and the Saint admits that she could have made +no progress under his guidance. [7] She now placed herself in +the hands of Don Francis, who encouraged her in every way, and, +for the purpose of helping her onwards in the way of perfection, +told her of the difficulties he himself had met with, and how by +the grace of God he had overcome them. + +But when the Saint told him of the great graces which God +bestowed upon her, Don Francis became alarmed; he could not +reconcile them with the life the Saint was living, according to +her own account. He never thought of doubting the Saint's +account, and did not suspect her of exaggerating her +imperfections in the depths of her humility: "he thought the evil +spirit might have something to do" with her, [8] and advised her +to consider carefully her way of prayer. + +Don Francis now applied again to Gaspar Daza, and the two friends +consulted together; but, after much prayer on their part and on +that of the Saint, they came to the conclusion that she "was +deluded by an evil spirit," and recommended her to have recourse +to the fathers of the Society of Jesus, lately settled in Avila. + +The Saint, now in great fear, but still hoping and trusting that +God would not suffer her to be deceived, made preparations for a +general confession; and committed to writing the whole story of +her life, and made known the state of her soul to F. Juan de +Padranos, one of the fathers of the Society. F. Juan understood +it all, and comforted her by telling her that her way of prayer +was sound and the work of God. Under his direction she made +great progress, and for the further satisfaction of her +confessor, and of Don Francis, who seems to have still retained +some of his doubts, she told everything to St. Francis de Borja, +who on one point changed the method of direction observed by +F. Juan. That father recommended her to resist the supernatural +visitations of the spirit as much as she could, but she was not +able, and the resistance pained her; [9] St. Francis told her she +had done enough, and that it was not right to prolong +that resistance. [10] + +The account of her life which she wrote before she applied to the +Jesuits for direction has not been preserved; but it is possible +that it was made more for her own security than for the purpose +of being shown to her confessor. + +The next account is Relation I., made for St. Peter of Alcantara, +and was probably seen by many; for that Saint had to defend her, +and maintain that the state of her soul was the work of God, +against those who thought that she was deluded by Satan. Her own +confessor was occasionally alarmed, and had to consult others, +and thus, by degrees, her state became known to many; and there +were some who, were so persuaded of her delusions, that they +wished her to be exorcised as one possessed of an evil +spirit, [11] and at a later time her friends were afraid that she +might be denounced to the Inquisitors. [12] + +During the troubles that arose when it became known that the +Saint was about to found the monastery of St. Joseph, and therein +establish the original rule of her Order in its primitive +simplicity and austerity, she went for counsel to the Father Fra +Pedro Ibañez, [13] the Dominican, a most holy and learned priest. +That father not only encouraged her, and commended her work, but +also ordered her to give him in writing the story of her +spiritual life. The Saint readily obeyed, and began it in the +monastery of the Incarnation, and finished it in the house of +Doña Luisa de la Cerda, in Toledo, in the month of June, 1562. +On the 24th of August, the feast of St. Bartholomew, in the same +year, the Reform of the Carmelites began in the new monastery of +St. Joseph in Avila. + +What the Saint wrote for Fra Ibañez has not been found. It is, +no doubt, substantially preserved in her Life, as we have it now, +and is supposed to have reached no further than the end of +ch. xxxi. What follows was added by direction of another +Dominican father, confessor of the Saint in the new monastery of +St. Joseph, Fra Garcia of Toledo, who, in 1562, bade her "write +the history of that foundation, and other matters." + +But as the Saint carried a heavy burden laid on her by God, a +constant fear of delusion, she had recourse about the same time +to the Inquisitor Soto, who advised her to write a history of her +life, send it to Juan of Avila, the "Apostle of Andalucia," and +abide by his counsel. As the direction of Fra Garcia of Toledo +and the advice of the Inquisitor must have been given, according +to her account, about the same time, the Life, as we have it now, +must have occupied her nearly six years in the writing of it, +which may well be owing to her unceasing care in firmly +establishing the new monastery of St. Joseph. The book at last +was sent to Blessed Juan of Avila by her friend Doña Luisa de la +Cerda, and that great master of the spiritual life wrote the +following censure of it: + +"The grace and peace of Jesus Christ be with you always. + +"1. When I undertook to read the book sent me, it was not so much +because I thought myself able to judge of it, as because I +thought I might, by the grace of our Lord, learn something from +the teachings it contains: and praised be Christ; for, though I +have not been able to read it with the leisure it requires, +I have been comforted by it, and might have been edified by it, +if the fault had not been mine. And although, indeed, I may have +been comforted by it, without saying more, yet the respect due to +the subject and to the person who has sent it will not allow me, +I think, to let it go back without giving my opinion on it, at +least in general. + +"2. The book is not fit to be in the hands of everybody, for it +is necessary to correct the language in some places, and explain +it in others; and there are some things in it useful for your +spiritual life and not so for others who might adopt them, for +the special ways by which God leads some souls are not meant for +others. These points, or the greater number of them, I have +marked for the purpose of arranging them when I shall be able to +do so, and I shall not fail to send them to you; for if you were +aware of my infirmities and necessary occupations, I believe they +would make you pity me rather than blame me for the omission. + +"3. The doctrine of prayer is for the most part sound, and you +may rely on it, and observe it; and the raptures I find to +possess the tests of those which are true. What you say of God's +way of teaching the soul, without respect to the imagination and +without interior locutions, is safe, and I find nothing to object +to it. St. Augustine speaks well of it. + +"4. Interior locutions in these days have been a delusion of +many, and exterior locutions are the least safe. It is easy +enough to see when they proceed from ourselves, but to +distinguish between those of a good and those of an evil spirit +is more difficult. There are many rules given for finding out +whether they come from our Lord or not, and one of them is, that +they should be sent us in a time of need, or for some good end, +as for the comforting a man under temptation or in doubt, or as a +warning of coming danger. As a good man will not speak +unadvisedly, neither will God; so, considering this, and that the +locutions are agreeable to the holy writings and the teaching of +the Church, my opinion is that the locutions mentioned in the +book came from God. + +"5. Imaginary or bodily visions are those which are most +doubtful, and should in no wise be desired, and if they come +undesired still they should be shunned as much as possible, yet +not by treating them with contempt, unless it be certain that +they come from an evil spirit; indeed, I was filled with horror, +and greatly distressed, when I read of the gestures of contempt +that were made. [14] People ought to entreat our Lord not to +lead them by the way of visions, but to reserve for them in +Heaven the blessed vision of Himself and the saints, and to guide +them here along the beaten path as He guides His faithful +servants, and they must take other good measures for avoiding +these visions. + +"6. But if the visions continue after all this is done, and if +the soul derives good from them, and if they do not lead to +vanity, but deeper humility, and if the locutions be at one with +the teaching the Church, and if they continue for any time, and +that with inward satisfaction--better felt than described--there +is no reason for avoiding them. But no one ought to rely on his +own judgment herein; he should make everything known to him who +can give him light. That is the universal remedy to be had +recourse to in such matters, together with hope in God, Who will +not let a soul that wishes to be safe lie under a delusion, if it +be humble enough to yield obedience to the opinion of others. + +"7. Nor should any one cause alarm by condemning them forthwith, +because he sees that the person to whom they are granted is not +perfect, for it is nothing new that our Lord in His goodness +makes wicked people just, yea, even grievous sinners; by giving +them to taste most deeply of His sweetness. I have seen it so +myself. Who will set bounds to the goodness of our +Lord?--especially when these graces are given, not for merit, nor +because one is stronger; on the contrary, they are given to one +because he is weaker; and as they do not make one more holy, they +are not always given to the most holy. + +"8. They are unreasonable who disbelieve these things merely +because they are most high things, and because it seems to them +incredible that infinite Majesty humbles Himself to these loving +relations with one of His creatures. It is written, God is love, +and if He is love, then infinite love and infinite goodness, and +we must not be surprised if such a love and such a goodness +breaks out into such excesses of love as disturb those who know +nothing of it. And though many know of it by faith, still, as to +that special experience of the loving, and more than loving, +converse of God with whom He will, if not had, how deep it +reaches can never be known; and so I have seen many persons +scandalized at hearing of what God in His love does for His +creatures. As they are themselves very far away from it, they +cannot think that God will do for others what He is not doing for +them. As this is an effect of love, and that a love which causes +wonder, reason requires we should look upon it as a sign of its +being from God, seeing that He is wonderful in His works, and +most especially in those of his compassion; but they take +occasion from this to be distrustful, which should have been a +ground of confidence, when other circumstances combine as +evidences of these visitations being good. + +"9. It seems from the book, I think, that you have resisted, and +even longer than was right. I think, too, that these locutions +have done your soul good, and in particular that they have made +you see your own wretchedness and your faults more clearly, and +amend them. They have lasted long, and always with spiritual +profit. They move you to love God, and to despise yourself, and +to do penance. I see no reasons for condemning them, I incline +rather to regard them as good, provided you are careful not to +rely altogether on them, especially if they are unusual, or bid +you do something out of the way, or are not very plain. In all +these and the like cases you must withhold your belief in them, +and at once seek for direction. + +"10. Also it should be considered that, even if they do come from +God, Satan may mix with them suggestions of his own; you should +therefore be always suspicious of them. Also, when they are +known to be from God, men must not rest much on them, seeing that +holiness does not lie in them, but in a humble love of God and +our neighbour; everything else, however good, must be feared, and +our efforts directed to the gaining of humility, goodness, and +the love of our Lord. It is seemly, also, not to worship what is +seen in these visions, but only Jesus Christ, either as in Heaven +or in the Sacrament, or, if it be a vision of the Saints, then to +lift up the heart to the Holy One in Heaven, and not to that +which is presented to the imagination: let it suffice that the +imagination may be made use of for the purpose of raising me up +to that which it makes me see. + +"11. I say, too, that the things mentioned in this book befall +other persons even in this our day, and that there is great +certainty that they come from God, Whose arm is not shortened +that He cannot do now what He did in times past, and that in weak +vessels, for His own glory. + +"12. Go on your road, but always suspecting robbers, and asking +for the right way; give thanks to our Lord, Who has given you His +love, the knowledge of yourself, and a love of penance and the +cross, making no account of these other things. However, do not +despise them either, for there are signs that most of them come +from our Lord, and those that do not come from Him will not hurt +you if you ask for direction. + +"13. I cannot believe that I have written this in my own +strength, for I have none, but it is the effect of your prayers. +I beg of you, for the love of Jesus Christ our Lord, to burden +yourself with a prayer for me; He knows that I am asking this in +great need, and I think that is enough to make you grant my +request. I ask your permission to stop now, for I am bound to +write another letter. May Jesus be glorified in all and +by all! Amen. + +"Your servant, for Christ's sake. +"Juan de Avila + +"Montilla, 12th Sept., 1568." + +Her confessors, having seen the book, "commanded her to make +copies of it," [15] one of which has been traced into the +possession of the Duke and Duchess of Alva. + +The Princess of Eboli, in 1569, obtained a copy from the Saint +herself, after much importunity; but it was more out of vanity or +curiosity, it is to be feared, than from any real desire to learn +the story of the Saint's spiritual life, that the Princess +desired the boon. She and her husband promised to keep it from +the knowledge of others, but the promise given was not kept. +The Saint heard within a few days later that the book was in the +hands of the servants of the Princess, who was angry with the +Saint because she had refused to admit, at the request of the +Princess, an Augustinian nun into the Order of Carmel in the new +foundation of Pastrana. The contents of the book were bruited +abroad, and the visions and revelations of the Saint were said to +be of a like nature with those of Magdalene of the Cross, a +deluded and deluding nun. The gossip in the house of the +Princess was carried to Madrid, and the result was that the +Inquisition began to make a search for the book. [16] It is not +quite clear, however, that it was seized at this time. + +The Princess became a widow in July, 1573, and insisted on +becoming a Carmelite nun in the house she and her husband, Ruy +Gomez, had founded in Pastrana. When the news of her resolve +reached the monastery, the mother-prioress, Isabel of St. +Dominic, exclaimed, "The Princess a nun! I look on the house as +ruined." The Princess came, and insisted on her right as +foundress; she had compelled a friar to give her the habit before +her husband was buried, and when she came to Pastrana she began +her religious life by the most complete disobedience and +disregard of common propriety. Don Vicente's description of her +is almost literally correct, though intended only for a general +summary of her most childish conduct: + +"On the death of the Prince of Eboli, the Princess would become a +nun in her monastery of Pastrana. The first day she had a fit of +violent fervour; on the next she relaxed the rule; on the third +she broke it, and conversed with secular people within the +cloisters. She was also so humble that she required the nuns to +speak to her on their knees, and insisted upon their receiving +into the house as religious whomsoever she pleased. +Hereupon complaints were made to St. Teresa, who remonstrated +with the Princess, and showed her how much she was in the wrong, +whereupon she replied that the monastery was hers; but the Saint +proved to her that the nuns were not, and had them removed +to Segovia." [17] + +The nuns were withdrawn from Pastrana in April, 1574, and then +the anger of the Princess prevailed; she sent the Life of the +Saint, which she had still in her possession, to the Inquisition, +and denounced it as a book containing visions, revelations, and +dangerous doctrines, which the Inquisitors should look into and +examine: The book was forthwith given to theologians for +examination, and two Dominican friars, of whom Bañes was one, +were delegated censors of it by the Inquisition. [18] + +Fra Bañes did not know the Saint when he undertook her defence in +Avila against the authorities of the city, eager to destroy the +monastery of St. Joseph; [19] but from that time forth he was one +of her most faithful friends, strict and even severe, as became a +wise director who had a great Saint for his penitent. +He testifies in the process of her beatification that he was firm +and sharp with her; while she herself was the more desirous of +his counsel, the more he humbled her, and the less he appeared to +esteem her. [20] When he found that copies of her life were in +the hands of secular people,--he had probably also heard of the +misconduct of the Princess of Eboli,--he showed his displeasure +to the Saint, and told her he would burn the book, it being +unseemly that the writings of women should be made public. +The Saint left it in his hands, but Fra Bañes, struck with her +humility, had not the courage to burn it; he sent it to the Holy +Office in Madrid. [21] Thus the book was in a sense denounced +twice,--once by an enemy, the second time by a friend, to save +it. Both the Saint and her confessor, Fra Bañes, state that the +copy given up by the latter was sent to the Inquisition in +Madrid, and Fra Bañes says so twice in his deposition. +The Inquisitor Soto returned the copy to Fra Bañes, desiring him +to read it, and give his opinion thereon. Fra Bañes did so, and +wrote his "censure" of the book on the blank leaves at the end. +That censure still remains, and is one of the most important, +because given during the lifetime of the Saint, and while many +persons were crying out against her. Bañes wished it had been +published when the Saint's Life was given to the world by Fra +Luis de Leon; but notwithstanding its value, and its being +preserved in the book which is in the handwriting of the Saint, +no one before Don Vicente made it known. It was easy enough to +praise the writings of St. Teresa, and to admit her sanctity, +after her death. Fra Bañes had no external help in the applause +of the many, and he had to judge the book as a theologian, and +the Saint as one of his ordinary penitents. When he wrote, he +wrote like a man whose whole life was spent, as he tells us +himself, "in lecturing and disputing." [22] + +That censure is as follows: + +"1. This book, wherein Teresa of Jesus, Carmelite nun, and +foundress of the Barefooted Carmelites, gives a plain account of +the state of her soul, in order to be taught and directed by her +confessors, has been examined by me, and with much attention, and +I have not found anywhere in it anything which, in my opinion, is +erroneous in doctrine. On the contrary, there are many things in +it highly edifying and instructive for those who give themselves +to prayer. The great experience of this religious, her +discretion also and her humility, which made her always seek for +light and learning in her confessors, enabled her to speak with +an accuracy on the subject of prayer that the most learned men, +through their want of experience, have not always attained to. +One thing only there is about the book that may reasonably cause +any hesitation till it shall be very carefully examined; +it contains many visions and revelations, matters always to be +afraid of, especially in women, who are very ready to believe of +them that they come from God, and to look on them as proofs of +sanctity, though sanctity does not lie in them. On the contrary, +they should be regarded as dangerous trials for those who are +aiming at perfection, because Satan is wont to transform himself +into an angel of light, [23] and to deceive souls which are +curious and of scant humility, as we have seen in our day: +nevertheless, we must not therefore lay down a general rule that +all revelations and visions come from the devil. If it were so, +St. Paul could not have said that Satan transforms himself into +an angel of light, if the angel of light did not sometimes +enlighten us. + +"2. Saints, both men and women, have had revelations, not only in +ancient, but also in modern times; such were St. Dominic, +St. Francis, St. Vincent Ferrer, St. Catherine of Siena, +St. Gertrude, and many others that might be named; and as the +Church of God is, and is to be, always holy to the end, not only +because her profession is holiness, but because there are in her +just persons and perfect in holiness, it is unreasonable to +despise visions and revelations, and condemn them in one sweep, +seeing they are ordinarily accompanied with much goodness and a +Christian life. On the contrary, we should follow the saying of +the Apostle in 1 Thess. v. 19-22: 'Spiritum nolite extinguere. +Prophetias nolite spernere. Omnia [autem] probate: quod bonum +est tenete. Ab omni specie mala abstinete vos.' He who will +read St. Thomas on that passage will see how carefully they are +to be examined who, in the Church of God, manifest any particular +gift that may be profitable or hurtful to our neighbour, and how +watchful the examiners ought to be lest the fire of the Spirit of +God should be quenched in the good, and others cowed in the +practices of the perfect Christian life. + +"3. Judging by the revelations made to her, this woman, even +though she may be deceived in something, is at least not herself +a deceiver, because she tells all the good and the bad so simply, +and with so great a wish to be correct, that no doubt can be made +as to her good intention; and the greater the reason for trying +spirits of this kind, because there are persons in our day who +are deceivers with the appearance of piety, the more necessary it +is to defend those who, with the appearance, have also the +reality, of piety. For it is a strange thing to see how lax and +worldly people delight in seeing those discredited who have an +appearance of goodness. God complained of old, by the Prophet +Ezekiel, ch. xiii., of those false prophets who made the just to +mourn and who flattered sinners, saying: 'Maerere fecisti cor +justi mendaciter, quem Ego non contristavi: et comfortastis manus +impii.' In a certain sense this may be said of those who +frighten souls who are going on by the way of prayer and +perfection, telling them that this way is singular and full of +danger, that many who went by it have fallen into delusions, and +that the safest way is that which is plain and common, travelled +by all. + +"4. Words of this kind, clearly, sadden the hearts of those who +would observe the counsels of perfection in continual prayer, so +far as it is possible for them, and in much fasting, watching, +and disciplines; and, on the other hand, the lax and the wicked +take courage and lose the fear of God, because they consider the +way on which they are travelling as the safer: and this is their +delusion,--they call that a plain and safe road which is the +absence of the knowledge and consideration of the dangers and +precipices amidst which we are all of us journeying in this +world. Nevertheless, there is no other security than that which +lies in our knowing our daily enemies, and in humbly imploring +the compassion of God, if we would not be their prisoners. +Besides, there are souls whom God, in a way, constrains to enter +on the way of perfection, and who, if they relaxed in their +fervour, could not keep a middle course, but would immediately +fall into the other extreme of sins, and for souls of this kind +it is of the utmost necessity that they should watch and pray +without ceasing; and, in short, there is nobody whom lukewarmness +does not injure. Let every man examine his own conscience, and +he will find this to be the truth. + +"5. I firmly believe that if God for a time bears with the +lukewarm, it is owing to the prayers of the fervent, who are +continually crying, 'et ne nos inducas in tentationem.' I have +said this, not for the purpose of honouring those whom we see +walking in the way of contemplation; for it is another extreme +into which the world falls, and a covert persecution of goodness, +to pronounce those holy forthwith who have the appearance of it. +For that would be to furnish them with motives for vain-glory, +and would do little honour to goodness; on the contrary, it would +expose it to great risks, because, when they fall who have been +objects of praise, the honour of goodness suffers more than if +those people had not been so esteemed. And so I look upon this +exaggeration of their holiness who are still living in the world +to be a temptation of Satan. That we should have a good opinion +of the servants of God is most just, but let us consider them +always as people in danger, however good they may be, and that +their goodness is not so evident that we can be sure of it +even now. + +"6. Considering myself that what I have said is true, I have +always proceeded cautiously in the examination of this account of +the prayer and life of this nun, and no one has been more +incredulous than myself as to her visions and revelations,--not +so, however as to her goodness and her good desires, for herein I +have had great experience of her truthfulness, her obedience, +mortification, patience, and charity towards her persecutors, and +of her other virtues, which any one who will converse with her +will discern; and this is what may be regarded as a more certain +proof of her real love of God than these visions and revelations. +I do not, however, undervalue her visions, revelations, and +ecstasies; on the contrary, I suspect them to be the work of God, +as they have been in others who were Saints. But in this case it +is always safer to be afraid and wary; for if she is confident +about them, Satan will take occasion to interfere, and that which +was once, perhaps, the work of God, may be changed into something +else, and that will be the devil's. + +"7. I am of opinion that this book is not to be shown to every +one, but only to men of learning, experience, and Christian +discretion. It perfectly answers the purpose for which it was +written, namely, that the nun should give an account of the state +of her soul to those who had the charge of it, in order that she +might not fall into delusions. Of one thing I am very sure, so +far as it is possible for a man to be,--she is not a deceiver; +she deserves, therefore, for her sincerity, that all should be +favourable to her in her good purposes and good works. +For within the last thirteen years she has, I believe, founded a +dozen monasteries of Barefooted Carmelite nuns, the austerity and +perfection of which are exceeded by none other; of which they who +have been visitors of them, as the Dominican Provincial, master +in theology, [24] Fra Pedro Fernandez, the master Fra Hernando +del Castillo, and many others, speak highly. This is what I +think, at present, concerning the censure of this book, +submitting my judgment herein to that of Holy Church our mother, +and her ministers. + +"Given in the College of St. Gregory, Valladolid, on the sixth +day of July, 1575. + +"Fra Domingo Bañes." + +The book remained in the keeping of the Inquisition, and the +Saint never saw it again. But she heard of it from the +Archbishop of Toledo, Cardinal Quiroga, President of the Supreme +Court of the Inquisition, when she applied to him for license to +found a monastery in Madrid. Jerome of the Mother of God was +with her; and heard the Cardinal's reply. His Eminence said he +was glad to see her; that a book of hers had been in the Holy +Office for some years, and had been rigorously examined; that he +had read it himself, and regarded it as containing sound and +wholesome doctrine. He would grant the license, and do whatever +he could for the Saint. When she heard this, she wished to +present a petition to the Inquisition for the restitution of her +book; but Gratian thought it better to apply to the Duke of Alba +for the copy which he had, and which the Inquisitors had allowed +him to retain and read. The Duke gave his book to Fra Jerome, +who had copies of it made for the use of the monasteries both of +men and women. [25] + +Anne of Jesus, in 1586, founding a monastery of her Order in +Madrid,--the Saint had died in 1582,--made inquiries about the +book, and applied to the Inquisition for it, for she was resolved +to publish the writings of her spiritual mother. The Inquisitors +made no difficulty, and consented to the publication. In this +she was seconded by the Empress Maria, daughter of Charles V., +and widow of Maximilian II., who had obtained one of the copies +which Fra Jerome of the Mother of God had ordered to be made. +Fra Nicholas Doria, then Provincial, asked Fra Luis de Leon, the +Augustinian, to edit the book, who consented. He was allowed to +compare the copy furnished him with the original in the keeping +of the Inquisition; but his edition has not been considered +accurate, notwithstanding the facilities given him, and his great +reverence for the Saint. It was published in Salamanca, +A.D. 1588. + +With the Life of the Saint, Fra Luis de Leon received certain +papers in the handwriting of the Saint, which he published as an +additional chapter. Whether he printed all he received, or +merely made extracts, may be doubtful, but anyhow that chapter is +singularly incomplete. Don Vicente de la Fuente, from whose +edition (Madrid, 1861, 1862) this translation has been made, +omitted the additional chapter of Fra Luis de Leon, contrary to +the practice of his predecessors. But he has done more, for he +has traced the paragraphs of that chapter to their sources, and +has given us now a collection of papers which form almost another +Life of the Saint, to which he has given their old name of +Relations, [26] the name which the Saint herself had given +them. [27] Some of them are usually printed among the Saint's +letters, and portions of some of the others are found in the +Lives of the Saint written by Ribera and Yepes, and in the +Chronicle of the Order; the rest was published for the first time +by Don Vicente: the arrangement of the whole is due to him. + +The Relations are ten in the Spanish edition, and eleven in the +translation. The last, the eleventh, has hitherto been left +among the letters, and Don Vicente, seemingly not without some +hesitation, so left it; but as it is of the like nature with the +Relations, it has now been added to them. + +The original text, in the handwriting of the Saint, is preserved +in the Escurial, not in the library, but among the relics of the +Church. Don Vicente examined it at his leisure, and afterwards +found in the National Library in Madrid an authentic and exact +transcript of it, made by order of Ferdinand VI. His edition is, +therefore, far better than any of its predecessors; but it is +possible that even now there may still remain some verbal errors +for future editors to correct. The most conscientious diligence +is not a safeguard against mistakes. F. Bouix says that in +ch. xxxiv. § 12, the reading of the original differs from that of +the printed editions; yet Don Vicente takes no notice of it, and +retains the common reading. It is impossible to believe that +F. Bouix has stated as a fact that which is not. Again, in +ch. xxxix. § 29, the printed editions have after the words, "Thou +art Mine, and I am thine," "I am in the habit . . . . sincerity;" +but Don Vicente omits them. This may have been an oversight, for +in general he points out in his notes all the discrepancies +between the printed editions and the original text. + +A new translation of the Life of St. Teresa seems called for now, +because the original text has been collated since the previous +translations were made, and also because those translations are +exceedingly scarce. The first is believed to be this--it is a +small quarto: + +"The Lyf of the Mother Teresa of Jesus, Foundresse of the +Monasteries of the Discalced or Bare-footed Carmelite Nunnes and +Fryers of the First Rule. +"Written by herself at the commaundement of her ghostly father, +and now translated into English out of Spanish. By W.M., of the +Society of Jesus. +"Imprinted in Antwerp by Henry Jaye. Anno MDCXI." + +Some thirty years afterwards, Sir Tobias Matthew, S.J., +dissatisfied, as he says, with the former translation, published +another, with the following title; the volume is a small octavo +in form: + +"The Flaming Hart, or the Life of the glorious St. Teresa, +Foundresse of the Reformation of the Order of the All-Immaculate +Virgin Mother, our B. Lady of Mount Carmel. +"This History of her Life was written by the Saint in Spanish, +and is newly translated into English in the year of our Lord +God 1642. + +'Aut mori aut pati: +Either to dye or else to suffer.'--Chap. xl. + +"Antwerpe, printed by Joannes Meursius. Anno MDCXLII." + +The next translation was made by Abraham Woodhead, and published +in 1671, without the name of the translator, or of the printer, +or of the place of publication. It is in quarto, and bears the +following title: + +"The Life of the Holy Mother St. Teresa, Foundress of the +Reformation of the Discalced Carmelites according to the +Primitive Rule. Printed in the year MDCLXXI." + +It is not said that the translation was made from the Spanish, +and there are grounds for thinking it to have been made from the +Italian. Ch. xxxii. is broken off at the end of § 10; and +ch. xxxiii., therefore, is ch. xxxvii. That which is there +omitted has been thrown into the Book of the Foundations, which, +in the translation of Mr. Woodhead, begins with § 11 of +ch. xxxii. of the Life, as it also does in the Italian +translation. It is due, however, to Mr. Woodhead to say that he +has printed five of the Relations separately, not as letters, but +as what they really are, and with that designation. + +The last translation is that of the Very Reverend John Dalton, +Canon of Northampton, which is now, though twice published, +almost as scarce as its predecessors. The title is: + +"The Life of St. Teresa, written by herself, and translated +from the Spanish by the Rev. John Dalton. London, MDCCCLI." + +Septuagesima, 1870. + + +1. Fr. Anton. a St. Joseph, in his note on letter 16, but letter +41, vol. iv. ed. Doblado. + +2. Reforma de los Descalços. lib. i. ch. vii. § 3. + +3. Ch. iii. § 2. + +4. Ch. iii. § 9. + +5. Ch. i. § 3. + +6. Ch. xxiii. § 2. + +7. Ch. xxiii. § 8. + +8. Id. § 12. + +9. Ch. xxiv. § 1. + +10. Id. § 4. + +11. Ch. xxix. § 4. + +12. Ch. xxxiii. § 6. + +13. The Saint held him in great reverence, and in one of her +letters--lett. 355, but lett. 100, vol. ii. ed. Doblado--calls +him a founder of her Order, because of the great services he had +rendered her, and told her nuns of Seville that they need not be +veiled in his presence, though they must be so in the presence of +everybody else, and even the friars of the Reform. + +14. See Life, ch. xxix. § 6. + +15. Rel. vii. § 9. + +16. Reforma de los Descalços, lib. ii. c. xxviii. § 6. + +17. Introduccion al libro de la Vida, vol. i. p. 3. + +18. Jerome Gratian, Lucidario, c. iv. + +19. Life, ch. xxxvi. § 15. + +20. The Saint says of herself, Rel. vii. § 18, that "she took the +greatest pains not to submit the state of her soul to any one who +she thought would believe that these things came from God, for +she was instantly afraid that the devil would deceive them both." + +21. Rel. vii. § 16. + +22. "Como hombre criado toda mi vida en leer y disputar" (De la +Fuente, ii. p. 376). + +23. 2 Cor. xi. 14: "Ipse enim Satanas transfigurat se in +angelum lucis." + +24. The other theologian appointed by the Inquisition, with Fra +Bañes, to examine the "Life." + +25. This took place in the year 1580, according to the Chronicler +of the Order (Reforma de los Descalços, lib. v. c. xxxv. § 4); +and the Bollandists (n. 1536) accept his statement. Fra Jerome +says he was Provincial of his Order at the time; and as he was +elected only on the 4th of March, 1581, according to the +Chronicler and the Bollandists, it is more likely that the +audience granted to them by the Cardinal took place in 1581. + +26. Reforma de los Descalços, lib. v. c. xxxiv. § 4: "Relaciones +de su espiritu." + +27. Rel. ii. § 18. + + + + + +Annals of the Saint's Life. + +By Don Vicente de la Fuente. + +These are substantially the same with those drawn up by the +Bollandists, but they are fuller and more minute, and furnish a +more detailed history of the Saint. + + +1515. St. Teresa is born in Avila, March 28th. [1] + +1522. She desires martyrdom, and leaves her father's house with +one of her brothers. + +1527. [2] Death of her mother. + +1529. Writes romances of chivalry, and is misled by a +thoughtless cousin. + +1531. Her sister Maria's marriage, and her removal from home to +the Augustinian monastery, where she remains till the autumn of +next year. + +1533. [3] Nov. 2, enters the monastery of the Incarnation. + +1534. Nov. 3, makes her profession. + +1535. Goes to Castellanos de la Cañada, to her sister's house, +where she remains till the spring of 1536, when she goes +to Bezadas. + +1537. Returns to Avila on Palm Sunday. In July seriously ill, +and in a trance for four days, when in her father's house. +Paralysed for more than two years. + +1539. Is cured of her paralysis by St. Joseph. + +1541. Begins to grow lukewarm, and gives up mental prayer. + +1542. Our Lord appears to her in the parlour of the monastery, +"stern and grave " [ch. vii. § 11, see note there]. + +1555. Ceases to converse with secular people, moved thereto by +the sight of a picture of our Lord on the cross [ch. ix. § 1]. +The Jesuits come to Avila and the Saint confesses to F. Juan +de Padranos. + +1556. Beginning of the supernatural visitations. + +1557. St. Francis de Borja comes to Avila, and approves of the +spirit of the Saint. + +1558. First rapture of the Saint [ch. xxiv. § 7]. The vision of +Hell [ch. xxxii. § 1]. Father Alvarez ordained priest. + +1559. She takes F. Alvarez for her confessor. The transpiercing +of her heart [ch. xxix. § 17]. Vision of our Lord risen from the +dead [ch. xxvii. § 3, ch. xxviii. § 2]. + +1560. The vow of greater perfection. St. Peter of Alcantara +approves of her spirit, and St. Luis Beltran encourages her to +proceed with her plan of founding a new monastery. + +1561. F. Gaspar de Salazar, S.J., comes to Avila; her sister +Doña Juana comes to Avila from Alba de Tormes to help the Saint +in the new foundation [ch. xxxiii. § 13]. Restores her nephew to +Life [ch. xxxv. § 14, note]. Fra Ibañez bids her write her Life. +Receives a sum of money from her brother in Peru, which enables +her to go on with the building of the new house. + +1562. Goes to Toledo, to the house of Doña Luisa de la Cerda, +and finishes the account of her Life. Makes the acquaintance of +Fra Bañes, afterwards her principal director, and Fra Garcia of +Toledo, both Dominicans. Receives a visit from Maria of Jesus. +Has a revelation that her sister, Doña Maria, will die suddenly +[ch. xxxiv. § 24]. Returns to Avila and takes possession of the +new monastery, August 24. Troubles in Avila. The Saint ordered +back to the monastery of the Incarnation. Is commanded by Fra +Garcia of Toledo to write the history of the foundation of +St. Joseph. + + +1. In the same year St. Philip was born in Florence. St. Teresa +died in 1582, and St. Philip in 1595; but they were canonised on +the same day, with St. Isidore, St. Ignatius, and St. Francis +Xavier. The three latter were joined together in the three final +consistories held before the solemn proclamation of their +sanctity, and St. Teresa and St. Philip were joined together in +the same way in the final consistories held specially, as usual, +for them. + +2. This must be an error. See ch. i. § 7, note 7. + +3. There is a difficulty about this. The Bollandists maintain +that she went to the monastery of the Incarnation in the year +1533. On the other hand Ribera, her most accurate +biographer--with whom Fra Jerome agrees,--says that she left her +father's house in 1535, when she was more than twenty years of +age; Yepes, that she was not yet twenty; and the Second Relation +of the Rota, that she was in her twentieth year. The Bull of +Canonisation and the Office in the Breviary also say that she was +in her twentieth year, that is, A.D. 1534. The Chronicler of the +Order differs from all and assigns the year 1536 as the year in +which she entered the monastery. + + + + + +The Life +of the +Holy Mother Teresa of Jesus. +Written by Herself. + + +Prologue. + + +As I have been commanded and left at liberty to describe at +length my way of prayer, and the workings of the grace of our +Lord within me, I could wish that I had been allowed at the same +time to speak distinctly and in detail of my grievous sins and +wicked life. But it has not been so willed; on the contrary, I +am laid herein under great restraint; and therefore, for the love +of our Lord, I beg of every one who shall read this story of my +life [1] to keep in mind how wicked it has been; and how, among +the Saints who were converted to God, I have never found one in +whom I can have any comfort. For I see that they, after our Lord +had called them, never fell into sin again; I not only became +worse, but, as it seems to me, deliberately withstood the graces +of His Majesty, because I saw that I was thereby bound to serve +Him more earnestly, knowing, at the same time, that of myself I +could not pay the least portion of my debt. + +May He be blessed for ever Who waited for me so long! I implore +Him with my whole heart to send me His grace, so that in all +clearness and truth I may give this account of myself which my +confessors command me to give; and even our Lord Himself, I know +it, has also willed it should be given for some time past, but I +had not the courage to attempt it. And I pray it may be to His +praise and glory, and a help to my confessors; who, knowing me +better, may succour my weakness, so that I may render to our Lord +some portion of the service I owe Him. May all creatures praise +Him for ever! Amen. + + +1. The Saint, in a letter written November 19, 1581, to Don Pedro +de Castro, then canon of Avila, speaking of this book, calls it +the book "Of the compassions of God"--Y ansi intitule ese libro +De las Misericordias de Dios. That letter is the 358th in the +edition of Don Vicente de la Fuente, and the 8th of the fourth +volume of the Doblado edition of Madrid. "Vitam igitur suam +internam et supernaturalem magis pandit quam narrat actiones +suas mere humanas" (Bollandists, n. 2). + + + +Chapter I. + + +Childhood and Early Impressions. The Blessing of Pious Parents. +Desire of Martyrdom. Death of the Saint's Mother. + + +1. I had a father and mother, who were devout and feared God. +Our Lord also helped me with His grace. All this would have been +enough to make me good, if I had not been so wicked. My father +was very much given to the reading of good books; and so he had +them in Spanish, that his children might read them. These books, +with my mother's carefulness to make us say our prayers, and to +bring us up devout to our Lady and to certain Saints, began to +make me think seriously when I was, I believe, six or seven years +old. It helped me, too, that I never saw my father and mother +respect anything but goodness. They were very good themselves. +My father was a man of great charity towards the poor, and +compassion for the sick, and also for servants; so much so, that +he never could be persuaded to keep slaves, for he pitied them so +much: and a slave belonging to one of his brothers being once in +his house, was treated by him with as much tenderness as his own +children. He used to say that he could not endure the pain of +seeing that she was not free. He was a man of great +truthfulness; nobody ever heard him swear or speak ill of any +one; his life was most pure. + +2. My mother also was a woman of great goodness, and her life was +spent in great infirmities. She was singularly pure in all her +ways. Though possessing great beauty, yet was it never known +that she gave reason to suspect that she made any account +whatever of it; for, though she was only three-and-thirty years +of age when she died, her apparel was already that of a woman +advanced in years. She was very calm, and had great sense. +The sufferings she went through during her life were grievous, +her death most Christian. [1] + +3. We were three sisters and nine brothers. [2] All, by the +mercy of God, resembled their parents in goodness except myself, +though I was the most cherished of my father. And, before I +began to offend God, I think he had some reason,--for I am filled +with sorrow whenever I think of the good desires with which our +Lord inspired me, and what a wretched use I made of them. +Besides, my brothers never in any way hindered me in the service +of God. + +4. One of my brothers was nearly of my own age; [3] and he it was +whom I most loved, though I was very fond of them all, and they +of me. He and I used to read Lives of Saints together. When I +read of martyrdom undergone by the Saints for the love of God, it +struck me that the vision of God was very cheaply purchased; and +I had a great desire to die a martyr's death,--not out of any +love of Him of which I was conscious, but that I might most +quickly attain to the fruition of those great joys of which I +read that they were reserved in Heaven; and I used to discuss +with my brother how we could become martyrs. We settled to go +together to the country of the Moors, [4] begging our way for the +love of God, that we might be there beheaded; [5] and our Lord, I +believe, had given us courage enough, even at so tender an age, +if we could have found the means to proceed; but our greatest +difficulty seemed to be our father and mother. + +5. It astonished us greatly to find it said in what we were +reading that pain and bliss were everlasting. We happened very +often to talk about this; and we had a pleasure in repeating +frequently, "For ever, ever, ever." Through the constant +uttering of these words, our Lord was pleased that I should +receive an abiding impression of the way of truth when I was yet +a child. + +6. As soon as I saw it was impossible to go to any place where +people would put me to death for the sake of God, my brother and +I set about becoming hermits; and in an orchard belonging to the +house we contrived, as well as we could, to build hermitages, by +piling up small stones one on the other, which fell down +immediately; and so it came to pass that we found no means of +accomplishing our wish. Even now, I have a feeling of devotion +when I consider how God gave me in my early youth what I lost by +my own fault. I gave alms as I could--and I could but little. +I contrived to be alone, for the sake of saying my +prayers [6]--and they were many--especially the Rosary, to which +my mother had a great devotion, and had made us also in this like +herself. I used to delight exceedingly, when playing with other +children, in the building of monasteries, as if we were nuns; and +I think I wished to be a nun, though not so much as I did to be a +martyr or a hermit. + +7. I remember that, when my mother died, [7] I was about twelve +years old--a little less. When I began to understand my loss, I +went in my affliction to an image of our Lady, [8] and with many +tears implored her to be my mother. I did this in my simplicity, +and I believe that it was of service to me; for I have by +experience found the royal Virgin help me whenever I recommended +myself to her; and at last she has brought me back to herself. +It distresses me now, when I think of, and reflect on, that which +kept me from being earnest in the good desires with which +I began. + +8. O my Lord, since Thou art determined to save me--may it be the +pleasure of Thy Majesty to effect it!--and to bestow upon me so +many graces, why has it not been Thy pleasure also--not for my +advantage, but for Thy greater honour--that this habitation, +wherein Thou hast continually to dwell, should not have +contracted so much defilement? It distresses me even to say +this, O my Lord, because I know the fault is all my own, seeing +that Thou hast left nothing undone to make me, even from my +youth, wholly Thine. When I would complain of my parents, I +cannot do it; for I saw nothing in them but all good, and +carefulness for my welfare. Then, growing up, I began to +discover the natural gifts which our Lord had given me--they were +said to be many; and, when I should have given Him thanks for +them, I made use of every one of them, as I shall now explain, to +offend Him. + + +1. See ch. xxxvii. § 1; where the Saint says that she saw them in +a vision both in Heaven. + +2. Alfonso Sanchez de Cepeda, father of the Saint, married first +Catalina del Peso y Henao, and had three children--one daughter, +Maria de Cepeda, and two sons. After the death of Catalina, he +married Beatriz Davila y Ahumada, by whom he had nine +children--seven boys and two girls. The third of these, and the +eldest of the daughters, was the Saint, Doña Teresa Sanchez +Cepeda Davila y Ahumada. In the Monastery of the Incarnation, +where she was a professed nun for twenty-eight years, she was +known as Doña Teresa; but in the year 1563, when she left her +monastery for the new foundation of St. Joseph, of the Reform of +the Carmelites, she took for the first time the name of Teresa of +Jesus (De la Fuente). The Saint was born March 28, 1515, and +baptized on the 4th of April, in the church of St. John; on which +day Mass was said for the first time in the Monastery of the +Incarnation, where the Saint made her profession. Her godfather +was Vela Nuñez, and her godmother Doña Maria del Aguila. +The Bollandists and Father Bouix say that she was baptized on the +very day of her birth. But the testimony of Doña Maria de Pinel, +a nun in the Monastery of the Incarnation, is clear: and Don +Vicente de La Fuente, quoting it, vol. i. p. 549, says that this +delay of baptism was nothing singular in those days, provided +there was no danger of death. + +3. Rodrigo de Cepeda, four years older than the Saint, entered +the army, and, serving in South America, was drowned in the river +Plate, Rio de la Plata. St. Teresa always considered him a +martyr, because he died in defence of the Catholic faith (Ribera, +lib. i. ch. iii.). Before he sailed for the Indies, he made his +will, and left all his property to the Saint, his sister (Reforma +de los Descalços, vol. i. lib. i. ch. iii. § 4). + +4. The Bollandists incline to believe that St. Teresa may not +have intended to quit Spain, because all the Moors were not at +that time driven out of the country. The Bull of the Saint's +canonization, and the Lections of the Breviary, say that she left +her father's house, ut in Africam trajiceret. + +5. The two children set out on their strange journey--one of them +seven, the other eleven, years old--through the Adaja Gate; but +when they had crossed the bridge, they were met by one of their +uncles, who brought them back to their mother, who had already +sent through Avila in quest of them. Rodrigo, like Adam, excused +himself, and laid the blame on the woman (Ribera, +lib. i. ch. iii.). Francisco de Santa Maria, chronicler of the +Order, says that the uncle was Francisco Alvarez de Cepeda +(Reforma de los Descalços, lib. i. ch. v. § 4). + +6. She was also marvellously touched by the story of the +Samaritan woman at the well, of whom there was a picture in her +room (Ribera, lib. i. ch. iv.). She speaks of this later on. +(See ch. xxx. § 24.) + +7. The last will and testament of Doña Beatriz de Ahumada was +made November 24, 1528 and she may have died soon after. +If there be no mistake in the copy of that instrument, the Saint +must have been more than twelve years old at that time. +Don Vicente, in a note, says, with the Bollandists, that Doña +Beatriz died at the end of the year 1526, or in the beginning of +1527; but it is probable that, when he wrote that note, he had +not read the copy of the will, which he has printed in the first +volume of the Saint's writings, p. 550. + +8. Our Lady of Charity, in the church of the hospital where +the poor and pilgrims were received in Avila (Bouix). + + + +Chapter II. + + +Early Impressions. Dangerous Books and Companions. The Saint Is +Placed in a Monastery. + + +1. What I shall now speak of was, I believe, the beginning of +great harm to me. I often think how wrong it is of parents not +to be very careful that their children should always, and in +every way, see only that which is good; for though my mother was, +as I have just said, so good herself, nevertheless I, when I came +to the use of reason, did not derive so much good from her as I +ought to have done--almost none at all; and the evil I learned +did me much harm. She was very fond of books of chivalry; but +this pastime did not hurt her so much as it hurt me, because she +never wasted her time on them; only we, her children, were left +at liberty to read them; and perhaps she did this to distract her +thoughts from her great sufferings, and occupy her children, that +they might not go astray in other ways. It annoyed my father so +much, that we had to be careful he never saw us. I contracted a +habit of reading these books; and this little fault which I +observed in my mother was the beginning of lukewarmness in my +good desires, and the occasion of my falling away in other +respects. I thought there was no harm in it when I wasted many +hours night and day in so vain an occupation, even when I kept it +a secret from my father. So completely was I mastered by this +passion, that I thought I could never be happy without a +new book. + +2. I began to make much of dress, to wish to please others by my +appearance. I took pains with my hands and my hair, used +perfumes, and all vanities within my reach--and they were many, +for I was very much given to them. I had no evil intention, +because I never wished any one to offend God for me. +This fastidiousness of excessive neatness [1] lasted some years; +and so also did other practices, which I thought then were not at +all sinful; now, I see how wrong all this must have been. + +3. I had some cousins; for into my father's house no others were +allowed an entrance. In this he was very cautious; and would to +God he had been cautious about them!--for I see now the danger of +conversing, at an age when virtue should begin to grow, with +persons who, knowing nothing themselves of the vanity of the +world, provoke others to throw themselves into the midst of it. +These cousins were nearly of mine own age--a little older, +perhaps. We were always together; and they had a great affection +for me. In everything that gave them pleasure, I kept the +conversation alive,--listened to the stories of their affections +and childish follies, good for nothing; and, what was still +worse, my soul began to give itself up to that which was the +cause of all its disorders. If I were to give advice, I would +say to parents that they ought to be very careful whom they allow +to mix with their children when young; for much mischief thence +ensues, and our natural inclinations are unto evil rather than +unto good. + +4. So it was with me; for I had a sister much older than +myself, [2] from whose modesty and goodness, which were great, I +learned nothing; and learned every evil from a relative who was +often in the house. She was so light and frivolous, that my +mother took great pains to keep her out of the house, as if she +foresaw the evil I should learn from her; but she could not +succeed, there being so many reasons for her coming. I was very +fond of this person's company, gossiped and talked with her; for +she helped me in all the amusements I liked, and, what is more, +found some for me, and communicated to me her own conversations +and her vanities. Until I knew her, I mean, until she became +friendly with me, and communicated to me her own affairs--I was +then about fourteen years old, a little more, I think--I do not +believe that I turned away from God in mortal sin, or lost the +fear of Him, though I had a greater fear of disgrace. +This latter fear had such sway over me, that I never wholly +forfeited my good name--and, as to that, there was nothing in the +world for which I would have bartered it, and nobody in the world +I liked well enough who could have persuaded me to do it. Thus I +might have had the strength never to do anything against the +honour of God, as I had it by nature not to fail in that wherein +I thought the honour of the world consisted; and I never observed +that I was failing in many other ways. In vainly seeking after +it I was extremely careful; but in the use of the means necessary +for preserving it I was utterly careless. I was anxious only not +to be lost altogether. + +5. This friendship distressed my father and sister exceedingly. +They often blamed me for it; but, as they could not hinder that +person from coming into the house, all their efforts were in +vain; for I was very adroit in doing anything that was wrong. +Now and then, I am amazed at the evil one bad companion can +do,--nor could I believe it if I did not know it by +experience,--especially when we are young: then is it that the +evil must be greatest. Oh, that parents would take warning by +me, and look carefully to this! So it was; the conversation of +this person so changed me, that no trace was left of my soul's +natural disposition to virtue, and I became a reflection of her +and of another who was given to the same kind of amusements. + +6. I know from this the great advantage of good companions; and I +am certain that if at that tender age I had been thrown among +good people, I should have persevered in virtue; for if at that +time I had found any one to teach me the fear of God, my soul +would have grown strong enough not to fall away. Afterwards, when +the fear of God had utterly departed from me, the fear of +dishonour alone remained, and was a torment to me in all I did. +When I thought that nobody would ever know, I ventured upon many +things that were neither honourable nor pleasing unto God. + +7. In the beginning, these conversations did me harm--I believe +so. The fault was perhaps not hers, but mine; for afterwards my +own wickedness was enough to lead me astray, together with the +servants about me, whom I found ready enough for all evil. +If any one of these had given me good advice, I might perhaps +have profited by it; but they were blinded by interest, as I was +by passion. Still, I was never inclined to much evil,--for I +hated naturally anything dishonourable,--but only to the +amusement of a pleasant conversation. The occasion of sin, +however, being present, danger was at hand, and I exposed to it +my father and brothers. God delivered me out of it all, so that +I should not be lost, in a manner visibly against my will, yet +not so secretly as to allow me to escape without the loss of my +good name and the suspicions of my father. + +8. I had not spent, I think, three months in these vanities, when +they took me to a monastery [3] in the city where I lived, in +which children like myself were brought up, though their way of +life was not so wicked as mine. This was done with the utmost +concealment of the true reason, which was known only to myself +and one of my kindred. They waited for an opportunity which +would make the change seem nothing out of the way; for, as my +sister was married, it was not fitting I should remain alone, +without a mother, in the house. + +9. So excessive was my father's love for me, and so deep my +dissembling, that he never would believe me to be so wicked as I +was; and hence I was never in disgrace with him. Though some +remarks were made, yet, as the time had been short, nothing could +be positively asserted; and, as I was so much afraid about my +good name, I had taken every care to be secret; and yet I never +considered that I could conceal nothing from Him Who seeth all +things. O my God, what evil is done in the world by disregarding +this, and thinking that anything can be kept secret that is done +against Thee! I am quite certain that great evils would be +avoided if we clearly understood that what we have to do is, not +to be on our guard against men, but on our guard against +displeasing Thee. + +10. For the first eight days, I suffered much; but more from the +suspicion that my vanity was known, than from being in the +monastery; for I was already weary of myself--and, though I +offended God, I never ceased to have a great fear of Him, and +contrived to go to confession as quickly as I could. I was very +uncomfortable; but within eight days, I think sooner, I was much +more contented than I had been in my father's house. All the +nuns were pleased with me; for our Lord had given me the grace to +please every one, wherever I might be. I was therefore made much +of in the monastery. Though at this time I hated to be a nun, +yet I was delighted at the sight of nuns so good; for they were +very good in that house--very prudent, observant of the rule, +and recollected. + +11. Yet, for all this, the devil did not cease to tempt me; and +people in the world sought means to trouble my rest with messages +and presents. As this could not be allowed, it was soon over, +and my soul began to return to the good habits of my earlier +years; and I recognized the great mercy of God to those whom He +places among good people. It seems as if His Majesty had sought +and sought again how to convert me to Himself. Blessed be Thou, +O Lord, for having borne with me so long! Amen. + +12. Were it not for my many faults, there was some excuse for me, +I think, in this: that the conversation I shared in was with one +who, I thought, would do well in the estate of matrimony; [4] and +I was told by my confessors, and others also, whom in many points +I consulted, used to say, that I was not offending God. One of +the nuns [5] slept with us who were seculars, and through her it +pleased our Lord to give me light, as I shall now explain. + + +1. The Saint throughout her life was extremely careful of +cleanliness. In one of her letters to Father Jerome Gratian of +the Mother of God (No. 323, Letter 28, vol. iii. ed. Doblado), +she begs him, for the love of God, to see that the Fathers had +clean cells and table; and the Ven. Mother Anne of +St. Bartholomew, in her life (Bruxelles, 1708, p. 40), says that +she changed the Saint's linen on the day of her death, and was +thanked by her for her carefulness. "Her soul was so pure," says +the Ven. Mother, "that she could not bear anything that was +not clean." + +2. Maria de Cepeda, half-sister of the Saint. She was married to +Don Martin de Guzman y Barrientos; and the contract for the dowry +was signed January 11, 1531 (Reforma de los Descalços +lib. i. ch. vii. § 4). + +3. The Augustinian Monastery of Our Lady of Grace. It was +founded in 1509 by the venerable Fra Juan of Seville, +Vicar-General of the Order (Reforma de los Descalços +lib. i. ch. vii. n. 2). There were forty nuns in the house at +this time (De la Fuente). + +4. Some have said that the Saint at this time intended, or +wished, to be married; and Father Bouix translates the passage +thus: "une alliance honorable pour moi." But it is more probable +that the Saint had listened only to the story of her cousin's +intended marriage; for in ch. v. § 11, she says that our Lord had +always kept her from seeking to be loved of men. + +5. Doña Maria Brizeño, mistress of the secular children who were +educated in the monastery (Reforma, lib. i. ch. vii. § 3). + + + +Chapter III. + + +The Blessing of Being with Good People. How Certain Illusions +Were Removed. + + +1. I began gradually to like the good and holy conversation of +this nun. How well she used to speak of God! for she was a +person of great discretion and sanctity. I listened to her with +delight. I think there never was a time when I was not glad to +listen to her. She began by telling me how she came to be a nun +through the mere reading of the words of the Gospel "Many are +called, and few are chosen." [1] She would speak of the reward +which our Lord gives to those who forsake all things for His +sake. This good companionship began to root out the habits which +bad companionship had formed, and to bring my thoughts back to +the desire of eternal things, as well as to banish in some +measure the great dislike I had to be a nun, which had been very +great; and if I saw any one weep in prayer, or devout in any +other way, I envied her very much; for my heart was now so hard, +that I could not shed a tear, even if I read the Passion through. +This was a grief to me. + +2. I remained in the monastery a year and a half, and was very +much the better for it. I began to say many vocal prayers, and +to ask all the nuns to pray for me, that God would place me in +that state wherein I was to serve Him; but, for all this, I +wished not to be a nun, and that God would not be pleased I +should be one, though at the same time I was afraid of marriage. +At the end of my stay there, I had a greater inclination to be a +nun, yet not in that house, on account of certain devotional +practices which I understood prevailed there, and which I thought +overstrained. Some of the younger ones encouraged me in this my +wish; and if all had been of one mind, I might have profited by +it. I had also a great friend [2] in another monastery; and this +made me resolve, if I was to be a nun, not to be one in any other +house than where she was. I looked more to the pleasure of sense +and vanity than to the good of my soul. These good thoughts of +being a nun came to me from time to time. They left me very +soon; and I could not persuade myself to become one. + +3. At this time, though I was not careless about my own good, our +Lord was much more careful to dispose me for that state of life +which was best for me. He sent me a serious illness, so that I +was obliged to return to my father's house. + +4. When I became well again, they took me to see my sister [3] in +her house in the country village where she dwelt. Her love for me +was so great, that, if she had had her will, I should never have +left her. Her husband also had a great affection for me--at +least, he showed me all kindness. This too I owe rather to our +Lord, for I have received kindness everywhere; and all my service +in return is, that I am what I am. + +5. On the road lived a brother of my father [4]--a prudent and +most excellent man, then a widower. Him too our Lord was +preparing for Himself. In his old age, he left all his +possessions and became a religious. He so finished his course, +that I believe him to have the vision of God. He would have me +stay with him some days. His practice was to read good books in +Spanish; and his ordinary conversation was about God and the +vanity of the world. These books he made me read to him; and, +though I did not much like them, I appeared as if I did; for in +giving pleasure to others I have been most particular, though it +might be painful to myself--so much so, that what in others might +have been a virtue was in me a great fault, because I was often +extremely indiscreet. O my God, in how many ways did His Majesty +prepare me for the state wherein it was His will I should serve +Him!--how, against my own will, He constrained me to do violence +to myself! May He be blessed for ever! Amen. + +6. Though I remained here but a few days, yet, through the +impression made on my heart by the words of God both heard and +read, and by the good conversation of my uncle, I came to +understand the truth I had heard in my childhood, that all things +are as nothing, the world vanity, and passing rapidly away. +I also began to be afraid that, if I were then to die, I should +go down to hell. Though I could not bend my will to be a nun, I +saw that the religious state was the best and the safest. +And thus, by little and little, I resolved to force myself +into it. + +7. The struggle lasted three months. I used to press this reason +against myself: The trials and sufferings of living as a nun +cannot be greater than those of purgatory, and I have well +deserved to be in hell. It is not much to spend the rest of my +life as if I were in purgatory, and then go straight to +Heaven--which was what I desired. I was more influenced by +servile fear, I think, than by love, to enter religion. + +8. The devil put before me that I could not endure the trials of +the religious life, because of my delicate nurture. I defended +myself against him by alleging the trials which Christ endured, +and that it was not much for me to suffer something for His sake; +besides, He would help me to bear it. I must have thought so, +but I do not remember this consideration. I endured many +temptations during these days. I was subject to fainting-fits, +attended with fever,--for my health was always weak. I had +become by this time fond of good books, and that gave me life. +I read the Epistles of St. Jerome, which filled me with so much +courage, that I resolved to tell my father of my purpose,--which +was almost like taking the habit; for I was so jealous of my +word, that I would never, for any consideration, recede from a +promise when once my word had been given. + +9. My father's love for me was so great, that I could never +obtain his consent; nor could the prayers of others, whom I +persuaded to speak to him, be of any avail. The utmost I could +get from him was that I might do as I pleased after his death. +I now began to be afraid of myself, and of my own weakness--for I +might go back. So, considering that such waiting was not safe +for me, I obtained my end in another way, as I shall now relate. + + +1. St. Matt. xx. 16: "Multi enim sunt vocati, pauci vero electi." + +2. Juana Suarez, in the Monastery of the incarnation, Avila +(Reforma, lib. i. ch. vii. § 7). + +3. Maria de Cepeda, married to Don Martin Guzman y Barrientos. +They lived in Castellanos de la Cañada, where they had +considerable property; but in the later years of their lives they +were in straitened circumstances (De la Fuente). See below, +ch. xxxiv. § 24. + +4. Don Pedro Sanchez de Cepeda. He lived in Hortigosa, four +leagues from Avila (De la Fuente). + + + +Chapter IV. + + +Our Lord Helps Her to Become a Nun. Her Many Infirmities. + + +1. In those days, when I was thus resolved, I had persuaded one +of my brothers, [1] by speaking to him of the vanity of the +world, to become a friar; and we agreed together to set out one +day very early in the morning for the monastery where that friend +of mine lived for whom I had so great an affection: [2] though I +would have gone to any other monastery, if I thought I should +serve God better in it, or to any one my father liked, so strong +was my resolution now to become a nun--for I thought more of the +salvation of my soul now, and made no account whatever of mine +own ease. I remember perfectly well, and it is quite true, that +the pain I felt when I left my father's house was so great, that +I do not believe the pain of dying will be greater--for it seemed +to me as if every bone in my body were wrenched asunder; [3] for, +as I had no love of God to destroy my love of father and of +kindred, this latter love came upon me with a violence so great +that, if our Lord had not been my keeper, my own resolution to go +on would have failed me. But He gave me courage to fight against +myself, so that I executed my purpose. [4] + +2. When I took the habit, [5] our Lord at once made me understand +how He helps those who do violence to themselves in order to +serve Him. No one observed this violence in me; they saw nothing +but the greatest good will. At that moment, because I was +entering on that state, I was filled with a joy so great, that it +has never failed me to this day; and God converted the aridity of +my soul into the greatest tenderness. Everything in religion was +a delight unto me; and it is true that now and then I used to +sweep the house during those hours of the day which I had +formerly spent on my amusements and my dress; and, calling to +mind that I was delivered from such follies, I was filled with a +new joy that surprised me, nor could I understand whence it came. + +3. Whenever I remember this, there is nothing in the world, +however hard it may be, that, if it were proposed to me, I would +not undertake without any hesitation whatever; for I know now, by +experience in many things, that if from the first I resolutely +persevere in my purpose, even in this life His Majesty rewards it +in a way which he only understands who has tried it. When the +act is done for God only, it is His will before we begin it that +the soul, in order to the increase of its merits, should be +afraid; and the greater the fear, if we do but succeed, the +greater the reward, and the sweetness thence afterwards +resulting. I know this by experience, as I have just said, in +many serious affairs; and so, if I were a person who had to +advise anybody, I would never counsel any one, to whom good +inspirations from time to time may come, to resist them through +fear of the difficulty of carrying them into effect; for if a +person lives detached for the love of God only, that is no reason +for being afraid of failure, for He is omnipotent. May He be +blessed for ever! Amen. + +4. O supreme Good, and my Rest, those graces ought to have been +enough which Thou hadst given me hitherto, seeing that Thy +compassion and greatness had drawn me through so many windings to +a state so secure, to a house where there are so many servants of +God, from whom I might learn how I may advance in Thy service. +I know not how to go on, when I call to mind the circumstances of +my profession, the great resolution and joy with which I made it, +and my betrothal unto Thee. I cannot speak of it without tears; +and my tears ought to be tears of blood, my heart ought to break, +and that would not be much to suffer because of the many offences +against Thee which I have committed since that day. It seems to +me now that I had good reasons for not wishing for this dignity, +seeing that I have made so sad a use of it. But Thou, O my Lord, +hast been willing to bear with me for almost twenty years of my +evil using of Thy graces, till I might become better. It seems +to me, O my God, that I did nothing but promise never to keep any +of the promises then made to Thee. Yet such was not my +intention: but I see that what I have done since is of such a +nature, that I know not what my intention was. So it was and so +it happened, that it may be the better known, O my Bridegroom, +Who Thou art and what I am. + +5. It is certainly true that very frequently the joy I have in +that the multitude of Thy mercies is made known in me, softens +the bitter sense of my great faults. In whom, O Lord, can they +shine forth as they do in me, who by my evil deeds have shrouded +in darkness Thy great graces, which Thou hadst begun to work in +me? Woe is me, O my Maker! If I would make an excuse, I have +none to offer; and I only am to blame. For if I could return to +Thee any portion of that love which Thou hadst begun to show unto +me, I would give it only unto Thee, and then everything would +have been safe. But, as I have not deserved this, nor been so +happy as to have done it, let Thy mercy, O Lord, rest upon me. + +6. The change in the habits of my life, and in my food, proved +hurtful to my health; and though my happiness was great, that was +not enough. The fainting-fits began to be more frequent; and my +heart was so seriously affected, that every one who saw it was +alarmed; and I had also many other ailments. And thus it was I +spent the first year, having very bad health, though I do not +think I offended God in it much. And as my illness was so +serious--I was almost insensible at all times, and frequently +wholly so--my father took great pains to find some relief; and as +the physicians who attended me had none to give, he had me taken +to a place which had a great reputation for the cure of other +infirmities. They said I should find relief there. [6] +That friend of whom I have spoken as being in the house went with +me. She was one of the elder nuns. In the house where I was a +nun, there was no vow of enclosure. [7] + +7. I remained there nearly a year, for three months of it +suffering most cruel tortures--effects of the violent remedies +which they applied. I know not how I endured them; and indeed, +though I submitted myself to them, they were, as I shall +relate, [8] more than my constitution could bear. + +8. I was to begin the treatment in the spring, and went thither +when winter commenced. The intervening time I spent with my +sister, of whom I spoke before, [9] in her house in the country, +waiting for the month of April, which was drawing near, that I +might not have to go and return. The uncle of whom I have made +mention before, [10] and whose house was on our road, gave me a +book called Tercer Abecedario, [11] which treats of the prayer of +recollection. Though in the first year I had read good +books--for I would read no others, because I understood now the +harm they had done me--I did not know how to make my prayer, nor +how to recollect myself. I was therefore much pleased with the +book, and resolved to follow the way of prayer it described with +all my might. And as our Lord had already bestowed upon me the +gift of tears, and I found pleasure in reading, I began to spend +a certain time in solitude, to go frequently to confession, and +make a beginning of that way of prayer, with this book for my +guide; for I had no master--I mean, no confessor--who understood +me, though I sought for such a one for twenty years afterwards: +which did me much harm, in that I frequently went backwards, and +might have been even utterly lost; for, anyhow, a director would +have helped me to escape the risks I ran of sinning against God. + +9. From the very beginning, God was most gracious unto me. +Though I was not so free from sin as the book required, I passed +that by; such watchfulness seemed to me almost impossible. I was +on my guard against mortal sin--and would to God I had always +been so!--but I was careless about venial sins, and that was my +ruin. Yet, for all this, at the end of my stay there--I spent +nearly nine months in the practice of solitude--our Lord began to +comfort me so much in this way of prayer, as in His mercy to +raise me to the prayer of quiet, and now and then to that of +union, though I understood not what either the one or the other +was, nor the great esteem I ought to have had of them. I believe +it would have been a great blessing to me if I had understood the +matter. It is true that the prayer of union lasted but a short +time: I know not if it continued for the space of an Ave Maria; +but the fruits of it remained; and they were such that, though I +was then not twenty years of age, I seemed to despise the world +utterly; and so I remember how sorry I was for those who followed +its ways, though only in things lawful. + +10. I used to labour with all my might to imagine Jesus Christ, +our Good and our Lord, present within me. And this was the way I +prayed. If I meditated on any mystery of His life, I represented +it to myself as within me, though the greater part of my time I +spent in reading good books, which was all my comfort; for God +never endowed me with the gift of making reflections with the +understanding, or with that of using the imagination to any good +purpose: my imagination is so sluggish, [12] that even if I would +think of, or picture to myself, as I used to labour to picture, +our Lord's Humanity, I never could do it. + +11. And though men may attain more quickly to the state of +contemplation, if they persevere, by this way of inability to +exert the intellect, yet is the process more laborious and +painful; for if the will have nothing to occupy it, and if love +have no present object to rest on, the soul is without support +and without employment--its isolation and dryness occasion great +pain, and the thoughts assail it most grievously. Persons in +this condition must have greater purity of conscience than those +who can make use of their understanding; for he who can use his +intellect in the way of meditation on what the world is, on what +he owes to God, on the great sufferings of God for him, his own +scanty service in return, and on the reward God reserves for +those who love Him, learns how to defend himself against his own +thoughts, and against the occasions and perils of sin. On the +other hand, he who has not that power is in greater danger, and +ought to occupy himself much in reading, seeing that he is not in +the slightest degree able to help himself. + +12. This way of proceeding is so exceedingly painful, that if the +master who teaches it insists on cutting off the succours which +reading gives, and requires the spending of much time in prayer, +then, I say, it will be impossible to persevere long in it: and +if he persists in his plan, health will be ruined, because it is +a most painful process. Reading is of great service towards +procuring recollection in any one who proceeds in this way; and +it is even necessary for him, however little it may be that he +reads, if only as a substitute for the mental prayer which is +beyond his reach. + +13. Now I seem to understand that it was the good providence of +our Lord over me that found no one to teach me. If I had, it +would have been impossible for me to persevere during the +eighteen years of my trial and of those great aridities because +of my inability to meditate. During all this time, it was only +after Communion that I ever ventured to begin my prayer without a +book--my soul was as much afraid to pray without one, as if it +had to fight against a host. With a book to help me--it was like +a companion, and a shield whereon to receive the blows of many +thoughts--I found comfort; for it was not usual with me to be in +aridity: but I always was so when I had no book; for my soul was +disturbed, and my thoughts wandered at once. With one, I began +to collect my thoughts, and, using it as a decoy, kept my soul in +peace, very frequently by merely opening a book--there was no +necessity for more. Sometimes, I read but little; at other +times, much--according as our Lord had pity on me. + +14. It seemed to me, in these beginnings of which I am speaking, +that there could be no danger capable of withdrawing me from so +great a blessing, if I had but books, and could have remained +alone; and I believe that, by the grace of God, it would have +been so, if I had had a master or any one to warn me against +those occasions of sin in the beginning, and, if I fell, to bring +me quickly out of them. If the devil had assailed me openly +then, I believe I should never have fallen into any grievous sin; +but he was so subtle, and I so weak, that all my good resolutions +were of little service--though, in those days in which I served +God, they were very profitable in enabling me, with that patience +which His Majesty gave me, to endure the alarming illnesses which +I had to bear. I have often thought with wonder of the great +goodness of God; and my soul has rejoiced in the contemplation of +His great magnificence and mercy. May He be blessed for +ever!--for I see clearly that He has not omitted to reward me, +even in this life, for every one of my good desires. My good +works, however wretched and imperfect, have been made better and +perfected by Him Who is my Lord: He has rendered them +meritorious. As to my evil deeds and my sins, He hid them at +once. The eyes of those who saw them, He made even blind; and He +has blotted them out of their memory. He gilds my faults, makes +virtue to shine forth, giving it to me Himself, and compelling me +to possess it, as it were, by force. + +15. I must now return to that which has been enjoined me. I say, +that if I had to describe minutely how our Lord dealt with me in +the beginning, it would be necessary for me to have another +understanding than that I have: so that I might be able to +appreciate what I owe to Him, together with my own ingratitude +and wickedness; for I have forgotten it all. + +May He be blessed for ever Who has borne with me so long! Amen. + + +1. Antonio de Ahumada; who, according to the most probable +opinion, entered the Dominican monastery of St. Thomas, Avila. +It is said that he died before he was professed. Some said he +joined the Hieronymites; but this is not so probable (De la +Fuente). Ribera, however, says that he did enter the novitiate +of the Hieronymites. but died before he was out of it +(lib. i. ch. vi.). + +2. Juana Suarez, in the Monastery of the Incarnation, Avila. + +3. See Relation, vi. § 3. + +4. The nuns sent word to the father of his child's escape, and of +her desire to become a nun, but without any expectation of +obtaining his consent. He came to the monastery forthwith, and +"offered up his Isaac on Mount Carmel" (Reforma, +lib. i. ch. viii. § 5). + +5. The Saint entered the Monastery of the Incarnation Nov. 2, +1533, and made her profession Nov. 3, 1534 (Bollandists and +Bouix). Ribera says she entered November 2, 1535; and the +chronicler of the Order, relying on the contract by which her +father bound himself to the monastery, says that she took the +habit Nov. 2, 1536, and that Ribera had made a mistake. + +6. Her father took her from the monastery in the autumn of 1535, +according to the Bollandists, but of 1538, according to the +chronicler, who adds, that she was taken to her uncle's +house--Pedro Sanchez de Cepeda--in Hortigosa, and then to +Castellanos de la Cañada, to the house of her sister, Doña Maria, +where she remained till the spring, when she went to Bezadas for +her cure (Reforma, lib. i. ch. xi. § 2). + +7. It was in 1563 that all nuns were compelled to observe +enclosure (De la Fuente). + +8. Ch. v. § 15. + +9. Ch. iii. § 4. + +10. Ch. iii. § 5. + +11. By Fray Francisco de Osuna, of the Order of St. Francis +(Reforma, lib. i. ch. xi. § 2). + +12. See ch. ix. §§ 4, 7. + + + +Chapter V. + + +Illness and Patience of the Saint. The Story of a Priest Whom +She Rescued from a Life of Sin. + + +1. I forgot to say how, in the year of my novitiate, I suffered +much uneasiness about things in themselves of no importance; but +I was found fault with very often when I was blameless. I bore +it painfully and with imperfection; however, I went through it +all, because of the joy I had in being a nun. When they saw me +seeking to be alone, and even weeping over my sins at times, they +thought I was discontented, and said so. + +2. All religious observances had an attraction for me, but I +could not endure any which seemed to make me contemptible. +I delighted in being thought well of by others, and was very +exact in everything I had to do. All this I thought was a +virtue, though it will not serve as any excuse for me, because I +knew what it was to procure my own satisfaction in everything, +and so ignorance does not blot out the blame. There may be some +excuse in the fact that the monastery was not founded in great +perfection. I, wicked as I was, followed after that which I saw +was wrong, and neglected that which was good. + +3. There was then in the house a nun labouring under a most +grievous and painful disorder, for there were open ulcers in her +body, caused by certain obstructions, through which her food was +rejected. Of this sickness she soon died. All the sisters, I +saw, were afraid of her malady. I envied her patience very much; +I prayed to God that He would give me a like patience; and then, +whatever sickness it might be His pleasure to send, I do not +think I was afraid of any, for I was resolved on gaining eternal +good, and determined to gain it by any and by every means. + +4. I am surprised at myself, because then I had not, as I +believe, that love of God which I think I had after I began to +pray. Then, I had only light to see that all things that pass +away are to be lightly esteemed, and that the good things to be +gained by despising them are of great price, because they are for +ever. His Majesty heard me also in this, for in less than two +years I was so afflicted myself that the illness which I had, +though of a different kind from that of the sister, was, I really +believe, not less painful and trying for the three years it +lasted, as I shall now relate. + +5. When the time had come for which I was waiting in the place I +spoke of before [1]--I was in my sister's house, for the purpose +of undergoing the medical treatment--they took me away with the +utmost care of my comfort; that is, my father, my sister, and the +nun, my friend, who had come from the monastery with me,--for her +love for me was very great. At that moment, Satan began to +trouble my soul; God, however, brought forth a great blessing out +of that trouble. + +6. In the place to which I had gone for my cure lived a priest of +good birth and understanding, with some learning, but not much. +I went to confession to him, for I was always fond of learned +men, although confessors indifferently learned did my soul much +harm; for I did not always find confessors whose learning was as +good as I could wish it was. I know by experience that it is +better, if the confessors are good men and of holy lives, that +they should have no learning at all, than a little; for such +confessors never trust themselves without consulting those who +are learned--nor would I trust them myself: and a really learned +confessor never deceived me. [2] Neither did the others +willingly deceive me, only they knew no better; I thought they +were learned, and that I was not under any other obligation than +that of believing them, as their instructions to me were lax, and +left me more at liberty--for if they had been strict with me, I +am so wicked, I should have sought for others. That which was a +venial sin, they told me was no sin at all; of that which was +most grievously mortal, they said it was venial. [3] + +7. This did me so much harm, that it is no wonder I should speak +of it here as a warning to others, that they may avoid an evil so +great; for I see clearly that in the eyes of God I was without +excuse, that the things I did being in themselves not good, this +should have been enough to keep me from them. I believe that +God, by reason of my sins, allowed those confessors to deceive +themselves and to deceive me. I myself deceived many others by +saying to them what had been said to me. + +8. I continued in this blindness, I believe, more than seventeen +years, till a most learned Dominican Father [4] undeceived me in +part, and those of the Company of Jesus made me altogether so +afraid, by insisting on the erroneousness of these principles, as +I shall hereafter show. [5] + +9. I began, then, by going to confession to that priest of whom I +spoke before. [6] He took an extreme liking to me, because I had +then but little to confess in comparison with what I had +afterwards; and I had never much to say since I became a nun. +There was no harm in the liking he had for me, but it ceased to +be good, because it was in excess. He clearly understood that I +was determined on no account whatever to do anything whereby God +might be seriously offended. He, too, gave me a like assurance +about himself, and accordingly our conferences were many. But at +that time, through the knowledge and fear of God which filled my +soul, what gave me most pleasure in all my conversations with +others was to speak of God; and, as I was so young, this made him +ashamed; and then, out of that great goodwill he bore me, he +began to tell me of his wretched state. It was very sad, for he +had been nearly seven years in a most perilous condition, because +of his affection for, and conversation with, a woman of that +place; and yet he used to say Mass. The matter was so public, +that his honour and good name were lost, and no one ventured to +speak to him about it. I was extremely sorry for him, because I +liked him much. I was then so imprudent and so blind as to think +it a virtue to be grateful and loyal to one who liked me. +Cursed be that loyalty which reaches so far as to go against the +law of God. It is a madness common in the world, and it makes me +mad to see it. We are indebted to God for all the good that men +do to us, and yet we hold it to be an act of virtue not to break +a friendship of this kind, though it lead us to go against Him. +Oh, blindness of the world! Let me, O Lord, be most ungrateful +to the world; never at all unto Thee. But I have been altogether +otherwise through my sins. + +10. I procured further information about the matter from members +of his household; I learned more of his ruinous state, and saw +that the poor man's fault was not so grave, because the miserable +woman had had recourse to enchantments, by giving him a little +image made of copper, which she had begged him to wear for love +of her around his neck; and this no one had influence enough to +persuade him to throw away. As to this matter of enchantments, I +do not believe it to be altogether true; but I will relate what I +saw, by way of warning to men to be on their guard against women +who will do things of this kind. And let them be assured of +this, that women--for they are more bound to purity than men--if +once they have lost all shame before God, are in nothing whatever +to be trusted; and that in exchange for the gratification of +their will, and of that affection which the devil suggests, they +will hesitate at nothing. + +11. Though I have been so wicked myself, I never fell into +anything of this kind, nor did I ever attempt to do evil; nor, if +I had the power, would I have ever constrained any one to like +me, for our Lord kept me from this. But if He had abandoned me, +I should have done wrong in this, as I did in other things--for +there is nothing in me whereon anyone may rely. + +12. When I knew this, I began to show him greater affection: my +intention was good, but the act was wrong, for I ought not to do +the least wrong for the sake of any good, how great soever it may +be. I spoke to him most frequently of God; and this must have +done him good--though I believe that what touched him most was +his great affection for me, because, to do me a pleasure, he gave +me that little image of copper, and I had it at once thrown into +a river. When he had given it up, like a man roused from deep +sleep, he began to consider all that he had done in those years; +and then, amazed at himself, lamenting his ruinous state, that +woman came to be hateful in his eyes. Our Lady must have helped +him greatly, for he had a very great devotion to her Conception, +and used to keep the feast thereof with great solemnity. +In short, he broke off all relations with that woman utterly, and +was never weary of giving God thanks for the light He had given +him; and at the end of the year from the day I first saw him, +he died. + +13. He had been most diligent in the service of God; and as for +that great affection he had for me, I never observed anything +wrong in it, though it might have been of greater purity. +There were also occasions wherein he might have most grievously +offended, if he had not kept himself in the near presence of God. +As I said before, [7] I would not then have done anything I knew +was a mortal sin. And I think that observing this resolution in +me helped him to have that affection for me; for I believe that +all men must have a greater affection for those women whom they +see disposed to be good; and even for the attainment of earthly +ends, women must have more power over men because they are good, +as I shall show hereafter. I am convinced that the priest is in +the way of salvation. He died most piously, and completely +withdrawn from that occasion of sin. It seems that it was the +will of our Lord he should be saved by these means. + +14. I remained three months in that place, in the most grievous +sufferings; for the treatment was too severe for my constitution. +In two months--so strong were the medicines--my life was nearly +worn out; and the severity of the pain in the heart, [8] for the +cure of which I was there was much more keen: it seemed to me, +now and then, as if it had been seized by sharp teeth. So great +was the torment, that it was feared it might end in madness. +There was a great loss of strength, for I could eat nothing +whatever, only drink. I had a great loathing for food, and a +fever that never left me. I was so reduced, for they had given +me purgatives daily for nearly a month, and so parched up, that +my sinews began to shrink. The pains I had were unendurable, and +I was overwhelmed in a most deep sadness, so that I had no rest +either night or day. + +15. This was the result; and thereupon my father took me back. +Then the physicians visited me again. All gave me up; they said +I was also consumptive. This gave me little or no concern; what +distressed me were the pains I had--for I was in pain from my +head down to my feet. Now, nervous pains, according to the +physicians, are intolerable; and all my nerves were shrunk. +Certainly, if I had not brought this upon myself by my sins, the +torture would have been unendurable. + +16. I was not more than three months in this cruel distress, for +it seemed impossible that so many ills could be borne together. +I now am astonished at myself, and the patience His Majesty gave +me--for it clearly came from Him--I look upon as a great mercy of +our Lord. It was a great help to me to be patient, that I had +read the story of Job, in the Morals of St. Gregory (our Lord +seems to have prepared me thereby); and that I had begun the +practice of prayer, so that I might bear it all, conforming my +will to the will of God. All my conversation was with God. +I had continually these words of Job in my thoughts and in my +mouth: "If we have received good things of the hand of our Lord, +why should we not receive evil things?" [9] This seemed to give +me courage. + +17. The feast of our Lady, in August, came round; from April +until then I had been in great pain, but more especially during +the last three months. I made haste to go to confession, for I +had always been very fond of frequent confession. They thought I +was driven by the fear of death; and so my father, in order to +quiet me, would not suffer me to go. Oh, the unreasonable love +of flesh and blood! Though it was that of a father so Catholic +and so wise--he was very much so, and this act of his could not +be the effect of any ignorance on his part--what evil it might +have done me! + +18. That very night my sickness became so acute, that for about +four days I remained insensible. They administered the Sacrament +of the last Anointing, and every hour, or rather every moment, +thought I was dying; they did nothing but repeat the Credo, as if +I could have understood anything they said. They must have +regarded me as dead more than once, for I found afterwards drops +of wax on my eyelids. My father, because he had not allowed me +to go to confession, was grievously distressed. Loud cries and +many prayers were made to God: blessed be He Who heard them. + +19. For a day-and-a-half the grave was open in my monastery, +waiting for my body; [10] and the Friars of our Order, in a house +at some distance from this place, performed funeral solemnities. +But it pleased our Lord I should come to myself. I wished to go +to confession at once. I communicated with many tears; but I do +not think those tears had their source in that pain and sorrow +only for having offended God, which might have sufficed for my +salvation--unless, indeed, the delusion which I laboured under +were some excuse for me, and into which I had been led by those +who had told me that some things were not mortal sins which +afterwards I found were so certainly. + +20. Though my sufferings were unendurable, and my perceptions +dull, yet my confession, I believe, was complete as to all +matters wherein I understood myself to have offended God. This +grace, among others, did His Majesty bestow on me, that ever +since my first Communion never in confession have I failed to +confess anything I thought to be a sin, though it might be only a +venial sin. But I think that undoubtedly my salvation was in +great peril, if I had died at that time--partly because my +confessors were so unlearned, and partly because I was so very +wicked. It is certainly true that when I think of it, and +consider how our Lord seems to have raised me up from the dead, I +am so filled with wonder, that I almost tremble with fear. [11] + +21. And now, O my soul, it were well for thee to look that danger +in the face from which our Lord delivered thee; and if thou dost +not cease to offend Him out of love thou shouldst do so out of +fear. He might have slain thee a thousand times, and in a far +more perilous state. I believe I exaggerate nothing if I say a +thousand times again, though he may rebuke me who has commanded +me to restrain myself in recounting my sins; and they are glossed +over enough. I pray him, for the love of God, not to suppress one +of my faults, because herein shines forth the magnificence of +God, as well as His long-suffering towards souls. May He be +blessed for evermore, and destroy me utterly, rather than let me +cease to love Him any more! + + +1. Ch. iv. § 6. The person to whom she was taken was a woman +famous for certain cures she had wrought, but whose skill proved +worse than useless to the Saint (Reforma, lib. i. ch. xi. § 2). + +2. Schram, Theolog. Mystic., § 483. "Magni doctores scholastici, +si non sint spirituales, vel omni rerum spiritualium experientia +careant, non solent esse magistri spirituales idonei--nam +theologia scholastica est perfectio intellectus; mystica, +perfectio intellectus et voluntatis: unde bonus theologus +scholasticus potest esse malus theologus mysticus. In rebus +tamen difficilibus, dubiis, spiritualibus, præstat mediocriter +spiritualem theologum consulere quam spiritualem idiotam." + +3. See Way of Perfection, ch. viii. § 2; but +ch. v. Dalton's edition. + +4. F. Vicente Barron (Bouix). + +5. See ch. xxiii. + +6. § 6. + +7. § 9. + +8. Ch. iv. § 6. + +9. Job ii. 10: "Si bona suscepimus de manu Dei, mala quare +non suscipiamus?" + +10. Some of the nuns of the Incarnation were in the house, sent +thither from the monastery; and, but for the father's disbelief +in her death, would have taken her home for burial (Ribera, +lib. i. ch. iv.). + +11. Ribera, lib. i. ch. iv., says he heard Fra Bañes, in a +sermon, say that the Saint told him she had, during these four +days, seen hell in a vision. And the chronicler says that though +there was bodily illness, yet it was a trance of the soul at the +same time (vol. i. lib. i. ch. xii. § 3). + + + +Chapter VI. + + +The Great Debt She Owed to Our Lord for His Mercy to Her. +She Takes St. Joseph for Her Patron. + + +1. After those four days, during which I was insensible, so great +was my distress, that our Lord alone knoweth the intolerable +sufferings I endured. My tongue was bitten to pieces; there was +a choking in my throat because I had taken nothing, and because +of my weakness, so that I could not swallow even a drop of water; +all my bones seemed to be out of joint, and the disorder of my +head was extreme. I was bent together like a coil of ropes--for +to this was I brought by the torture of those days--unable to +move either arm, or foot, or hand, or head, any more than if I +had been dead, unless others moved me; I could move, however, I +think, one finger of my right hand. Then, as to touching me, +that was impossible, for I was so bruised that I could not endure +it. They used to move me in a sheet, one holding one end, and +another the other. This lasted till Palm Sunday. [1] + +2. The only comfort I had was this--if no one came near me, my +pains frequently ceased; and then, because I had a little rest, I +considered myself well, for I was afraid my patience would fail: +and thus I was exceedingly happy when I saw myself free from +those pains which were so sharp and constant, though in the cold +fits of an intermittent fever, which were most violent, they were +still unendurable. My dislike of food was very great. + +3. I was now so anxious to return to my monastery, that I had +myself conveyed thither in the state I was in. There they +received alive one whom they had waited for as dead; but her body +was worse than dead: the sight of it could only give pain. It is +impossible to describe my extreme weakness, for I was nothing but +bones. I remained in this state, as I have already said, [2] +more than eight months; and was paralytic, though getting better, +for about three years. I praised God when I began to crawl on my +hands and knees. I bore all this with great resignation, and, if +I except the beginning of my illness, with great joy; for all +this was as nothing in comparison with the pains and tortures I +had to bear at first. I was resigned to the will of God, even if +He left me in this state for ever. My anxiety about the recovery +of my health seemed to be grounded on my desire to pray in +solitude, as I had been taught; for there were no means of doing +so in the infirmary. I went to confession most frequently, spoke +much about God, and in such a way as to edify everyone; and they +all marvelled at the patience which our Lord gave me--for if it +had not come from the hand of His Majesty, it seemed impossible +to endure so great an affliction with so great a joy. + +4. It was a great thing for me to have had the grace of prayer +which God had wrought in me; it made me understand what it is to +love Him. In a little while, I saw these virtues renewed within +me; still they were not strong, for they were not sufficient to +sustain me in justice. I never spoke ill in the slightest degree +whatever of any one, and my ordinary practice was to avoid all +detraction; for I used to keep most carefully in mind that I +ought not to assent to, nor say of another, anything I should not +like to have said of myself. I was extremely careful to keep +this resolution on all occasions though not so perfectly, upon +some great occasions that presented themselves, as not to break +it sometimes. But my ordinary practice was this: and thus those +who were about me, and those with whom I conversed, became so +convinced that it was right, that they adopted it as a habit. +It came to be understood that where I was, absent persons were +safe; so they were also with my friends and kindred, and with +those whom I instructed. Still, for all this, I have a strict +account to give unto God for the bad example I gave in other +respects. May it please His Majesty to forgive me, for I have +been the cause of much evil; though not with intentions as +perverse as were the acts that followed. + +5. The longing for solitude remained, and I loved to discourse +and speak of God; for if I found any one with whom I could do so, +it was a greater joy and satisfaction to me than all the +refinements--or rather to speak more correctly, the real +rudeness--of the world's conversation. I communicated and +confessed more frequently still, and desired to do so; I was +extremely fond of reading good books; I was most deeply penitent +for having offended God; and I remember that very often I did not +dare to pray, because I was afraid of that most bitter anguish +which I felt for having offended God, dreading it as a great +chastisement. This grew upon me afterwards to so great a degree, +that I know of no torment wherewith to compare it; and yet it was +neither more nor less because of any fear I had at any time, for +it came upon me only when I remembered the consolations of our +Lord which He gave me in prayer, the great debt I owed Him, the +evil return I made: I could not bear it. I was also extremely +angry with myself on account of the many tears I shed for my +faults, when I saw how little I improved, seeing that neither my +good resolutions, nor the pains I took, were sufficient to keep +me from falling whenever I had the opportunity. I looked on my +tears as a delusion; and my faults, therefore, I regarded as the +more grievous, because I saw the great goodness of our Lord to me +in the shedding of those tears, and together with them such +deep compunction. + +6. I took care to go to confession as soon as I could; and, as I +think, did all that was possible on my part to return to a state +of grace. But the whole evil lay in my not thoroughly avoiding +the occasions of sin, and in my confessors, who helped me so +little. If they had told me that I was travelling on a dangerous +road, and that I was bound to abstain from those conversations, I +believe, without any doubt, that the matter would have been +remedied, because I could not bear to remain even for one day in +mortal sin, if I knew it. + +7. All these tokens of the fear of God came to me through prayer; +and the greatest of them was this, that fear was swallowed up of +love--for I never thought of chastisement. All the time I was so +ill, my strict watch over my conscience reached to all that is +mortal sin. + +8. O my God! I wished for health, that I might serve Thee better; +that was the cause of all my ruin. For when I saw how helpless I +was through paralysis, being still so young, and how the +physicians of this world had dealt with me, I determined to ask +those of heaven to heal me--for I wished, nevertheless, to be +well, though I bore my illness with great joy. Sometimes, too, I +used to think that if I recovered my health, and yet were lost +for ever, I was better as I was. But, for all that, I thought I +might serve God much better if I were well. This is our +delusion; we do not resign ourselves absolutely to the +disposition of our Lord, Who knows best what is for our good. + +9. I began by having Masses and prayers said for my +intention--prayers that were highly sanctioned; for I never liked +those other devotions which some people, especially women, make +use of with a ceremoniousness to me intolerable, but which move +them to be devout. I have been given to understand since that +they were unseemly and superstitious; and I took for my patron +and lord the glorious St. Joseph, and recommended myself +earnestly to him. I saw clearly that both out of this my present +trouble, and out of others of greater importance, relating to my +honour and the loss of my soul, this my father and lord delivered +me, and rendered me greater services than I knew how to ask for. +I cannot call to mind that I have ever asked him at any time for +anything which he has not granted; and I am filled with amazement +when I consider the great favours which God hath given me through +this blessed Saint; the dangers from which he hath delivered me, +both of body and of soul. To other Saints, our Lord seems to +have given grace to succour men in some special necessity; but to +this glorious Saint, I know by experience, to help us in all: and +our Lord would have us understand that as He was Himself subject +to him upon earth--for St. Joseph having the title of father, and +being His guardian, could command Him--so now in heaven He +performs all his petitions. I have asked others to recommend +themselves to St. Joseph, and they too know this by experience; +and there are many who are now of late devout to him, [3] having +had experience of this truth. + +10. I used to keep his feast with all the solemnity I could, but +with more vanity than spirituality, seeking rather too much +splendour and effect, and yet with good intentions. I had this +evil in me, that if our Lord gave me grace to do any good, that +good became full of imperfections and of many faults; but as for +doing wrong, the indulgence of curiosity and vanity, I was very +skilful and active therein. Our Lord forgive me! + +11. Would that I could persuade all men to be devout to this +glorious Saint; for I know by long experience what blessings he +can obtain for us from God. I have never known any one who was +really devout to him, and who honoured him by particular +services, who did not visibly grow more and more in virtue; for +he helps in a special way those souls who commend themselves to +him. It is now some years since I have always on his feast asked +him for something, and I always have it. If the petition be in +any way amiss, he directs it aright for my greater good. + +12. If I were a person who had authority to write, it would be a +pleasure to me to be diffusive in speaking most minutely of the +graces which this glorious Saint has obtained for me and for +others. But that I may not go beyond the commandment that is +laid upon me, I must in many things be more brief than I could +wish, and more diffusive than is necessary in others; for, in +short, I am a person who, in all that is good, has but little +discretion. But I ask, for the love of God, that he who does not +believe me will make the trial for himself--when he will see by +experience the great good that results from commending oneself to +this glorious patriarch, and being devout to him. Those who give +themselves to prayer should in a special manner have always a +devotion to St. Joseph; for I know not how any man can think of +the Queen of the angels, during the time that she suffered so +much with the Infant Jesus, without giving thanks to St. Joseph +for the services he rendered them then. He who cannot find any +one to teach him how to pray, let him take this glorious Saint +for his master, and he will not wander out of the way. + +13. May it please our Lord that I have not done amiss in +venturing to speak about St. Joseph; for, though I publicly +profess my devotion to him, I have always failed in my service to +him and imitation of him. He was like himself when he made me +able to rise and walk, no longer a paralytic; and I, too, am like +myself when I make so bad a use of this grace. + +14. Who could have said that I was so soon to fall, after such +great consolations from God--after His Majesty had implanted +virtues in me which of themselves made me serve Him--after I had +been, as it were, dead, and in such extreme peril of eternal +damnation--after He had raised me up, soul and body, so that all +who saw me marvelled to see me alive? What can it mean, O my +Lord? The life we live is so full of danger! While I am writing +this--and it seems to me, too, by Thy grace and mercy--I may say +with St. Paul, though not so truly as he did: "It is not I who +live now, but Thou, my Creator, livest in me." [4] For some +years past, so it seems to me, Thou hast held me by the hand; and +I see in myself desires and resolutions--in some measure tested +by experience, in many ways, during that time--never to do +anything, however slight it may be, contrary to Thy will, though +I must have frequently offended Thy Divine Majesty without being +aware of it; and I also think that nothing can be proposed to me +that I should not with great resolution undertake for Thy love. +In some things Thou hast Thyself helped me to succeed therein. +I love neither the world, nor the things of the world; nor do I +believe that anything that does not come from Thee can give me +pleasure; everything else seems to me a heavy cross. + +15. Still, I may easily deceive myself, and it may be that I am +not what I say I am; but Thou knowest, O my Lord, that, to the +best of my knowledge, I lie not. I am afraid, and with good +reason, lest Thou shouldst abandon me; for I know now how far my +strength and little virtue can reach, if Thou be not ever at hand +to supply them, and to help me never to forsake Thee. May His +Majesty grant that I be not forsaken of Thee even now, when I am +thinking all this of myself! + +16. I know not how we can wish to live, seeing that everything is +so uncertain. Once, O Lord, I thought it impossible to forsake +Thee so utterly; and now that I have forsaken Thee so often, I +cannot help being afraid; for when Thou didst withdraw but a +little from me, I fell down to the ground at once. Blessed for +ever be Thou! Though I have forsaken Thee, Thou hast not +forsaken me so utterly but that Thou hast come again and raised +me up, giving me Thy hand always. Very often, O Lord, I would +not take it: very often I would not listen when Thou wert calling +me again, as I am going to show. + + +1. March 25, 1537. + +2. Ch. v. § 17. The Saint left her monastery in 1535; and in the +spring of 1536 went from her sister's house to Bezadas; and in +July of that year was brought back to her father's house in +Avila, wherein she remained till Palm Sunday, 1537, when she +returned to the Monastery of the Incarnation. She had been +seized with paralysis there, and laboured under it nearly three +years, from 1536 to 1539, when she was miraculously healed +through the intercession of St. Joseph (Bolland, n. 100, 101). +The dates of the Chronicler are different from these. + +3. Of the devotion to St. Joseph, F. Faber (The Blessed +Sacrament, bk. ii. p. 199, 3rd ed.) says that it took its rise in +the West, in a confraternity in Avignon. "Then it spread over +the church. Gerson was raised up to be its doctor and theologian, +and St. Teresa to be its Saint, and St. Francis of Sales to be +its popular teacher and missionary. The houses of Carmel were +like the holy house of Nazareth to it; and the colleges of the +Jesuits, its peaceful sojourns in dark Egypt." + +4. Galat. ii. 20: "Vivo autem, jam non ego; vivit vero in +me Christus." + + + +Chapter VII. + + +Lukewarmness. The Loss of Grace. Inconvenience of Laxity in +Religious Houses. + + +1. So, then, going on from pastime to pastime, from vanity to +vanity, from one occasion of sin to another, I began to expose +myself exceedingly to the very greatest dangers: my soul was so +distracted by many vanities, that I was ashamed to draw near unto +God in an act of such special friendship as that of prayer. [1] +As my sins multiplied, I began to lose the pleasure and comfort I +had in virtuous things: and that loss contributed to the +abandonment of prayer. I see now most clearly, O my Lord, that +this comfort departed from me because I had departed from Thee. + +2. It was the most fearful delusion into which Satan could plunge +me--to give up prayer under the pretence of humility. I began to +be afraid of giving myself to prayer, because I saw myself so +lost. I thought it would be better for me, seeing that in my +wickedness I was one of the most wicked, to live like the +multitude--to say the prayers which I was bound to say, and that +vocally: not to practise mental prayer nor commune with God so +much; for I deserved to be with the devils, and was deceiving +those who were about me, because I made an outward show of +goodness; and therefore the community in which I dwelt is not to +be blamed; for with my cunning I so managed matters, that all had +a good opinion of me; and yet I did not seek this deliberately by +simulating devotion; for in all that relates to hypocrisy and +ostentation--glory be to God!--I do not remember that I ever +offended Him, [2] so far as I know. The very first movements +herein gave me such pain, that the devil would depart from me +with loss, and the gain remained with me; and thus, accordingly, +he never tempted me much in this way. Perhaps, however, if God +had permitted Satan to tempt me as sharply herein as he tempted +me in other things, I should have fallen also into this; but His +Majesty has preserved me until now. May He be blessed for +evermore! It was rather a heavy affliction to me that I should +be thought so well of; for I knew my own secret. + +3. The reason why they thought I was not so wicked was this: they +saw that I, who was so young, and exposed to so many occasions of +sin, withdrew myself so often into solitude for prayer, read +much, spoke of God, that I liked to have His image painted in +many places, to have an oratory of my own, and furnish it with +objects of devotion, that I spoke ill of no one, and other things +of the same kind in me which have the appearance of virtue. Yet +all the while--I was so vain--I knew how to procure respect for +myself by doing those things which in the world are usually +regarded with respect. + +4. In consequence of this, they gave me as much liberty as they +did to the oldest nuns, and even more, and had great confidence +in me; for as to taking any liberty for myself, or doing anything +without leave--such as conversing through the door, or in secret, +or by night--I do not think I could have brought myself to speak +with anybody in the monastery in that way, and I never did it; +for our Lord held me back. It seemed to me--for I considered +many things carefully and of set purpose--that it would be a very +evil deed on my part, wicked as I was, to risk the credit of so +many nuns, who were all good--as if everything else I did was +well done! In truth, the evil I did was not the result of +deliberation, as this would have been, if I had done it, although +it was too much so. + +5. Therefore, I think that it did me much harm to be in a +monastery not enclosed. The liberty which those who were good +might have with advantage--they not being obliged to do more than +they do, because they had not bound themselves to +enclosure--would certainly have led me, who am wicked, straight +to hell, if our Lord, by so many remedies and means of His most +singular mercy, had not delivered me out of that danger--and it +is, I believe, the very greatest danger--namely, a monastery of +women unenclosed--yea, more, I think it is, for those who will be +wicked, a road to hell, rather than a help to their weakness. +This is not to be understood of my monastery; for there are so +many there who in the utmost sincerity, and in great perfection, +serve our Lord, so that His Majesty, according to His goodness, +cannot but be gracious unto them; neither is it one of those +which are most open for all religious observances are kept in it; +and I am speaking only of others which I have seen and known. + +6. I am exceedingly sorry for these houses, because our Lord must +of necessity send His special inspirations not merely once, but +many times, if the nuns therein are to be saved, seeing that the +honours and amusements of the world are allowed among them, and +the obligations of their state are so ill-understood. God grant +they may not count that to be virtue which is sin, as I did so +often! It is very difficult to make people understand this; it +is necessary our Lord Himself should take the matter seriously +into His own hands. + +7. If parents would take my advice, now that they are at no pains +to place their daughters where they may walk in the way of +salvation without incurring a greater risk than they would do if +they were left in the world, let them look at least at that which +concerns their good name. Let them marry them to persons of a +much lower degree, rather than place them in monasteries of this +kind, unless they be of extremely good inclinations, and God +grant that these inclinations may come to good! or let them keep +them at home. If they will be wicked at home, their evil life +can be hidden only for a short time; but in monasteries it can be +hidden long, and, in the end, it is our Lord that discovers it. +They injure not only themselves, but all the nuns also. And all +the while the poor things are not in fault; for they walk in the +way that is shown them. Many of them are to be pitied; for they +wished to withdraw from the world, and, thinking to escape from +the dangers of it, and that they were going to serve our Lord, +have found themselves in ten worlds at once, without knowing what +to do, or how to help themselves. Youth and sensuality and the +devil invite them and incline them to follow certain ways which +are of the essence of worldliness. They see these ways, so to +speak, considered as safe there. + +8. Now, these seem to me to be in some degree like those wretched +heretics who will make themselves blind, and who will consider +that which they do to be good, and so believe, but without really +believing; for they have within themselves something that tells +them it is wrong. + +9. Oh, what utter ruin! utter ruin of religious persons--I am not +speaking now more of women than of men--where the rules of the +Order are not kept; where the same monastery offers two roads: +one of virtue and observance, the other of inobservance, and both +equally frequented! I have spoken incorrectly: they are not +equally frequented; for, on account of our sins, the way of the +greatest imperfection is the most frequented; and because it is +the broadest, it is also the most in favour. The way of +religious observance is so little used, that the friar and the +nun who would really begin to follow their vocation thoroughly +have reason to fear the members of their communities more than +all the devils together. They must be more cautious, and +dissemble more, when they would speak of that friendship with God +which they desire to have, than when they would speak of those +friendships and affections which the devil arranges in +monasteries. I know not why we are astonished that the Church is +in so much trouble, when we see those, who ought to be an example +of every virtue to others, so disfigure the work which the spirit +of the Saints departed wrought in their Orders. May it please +His Divine Majesty to apply a remedy to this, as He sees it to be +needful! Amen. + +10. So, then, when I began to indulge in these conversations, I +did not think, seeing they were customary, that my soul must be +injured and dissipated, as I afterwards found it must be, by such +conversations. I thought that, as receiving visits was so common +in many monasteries, no more harm would befall me thereby than +befell others, whom I knew to be good. I did not observe that +they were much better than I was, and that an act which was +perilous for me was not so perilous for them; and yet I have no +doubt there was some danger in it, were it nothing else but a +waste of time. + +11. I was once with a person--it was at the very beginning of my +acquaintance with her when our Lord was pleased to show me that +these friendships were not good for me: to warn me also, and in +my blindness, which was so great, to give me light. Christ stood +before me, stern and grave, giving me to understand what in my +conduct was offensive to Him. I saw Him with the eyes of the +soul more distinctly than I could have seen Him with the eyes of +the body. The vision made so deep an impression upon me, that, +though it is more than twenty-six years ago, [3] I seem to see +Him present even now. I was greatly astonished and disturbed, +and I resolved not to see that person again. + +12. It did me much harm that I did not then know it was possible +to see anything otherwise than with the eyes of the body; [4] so +did Satan too, in that he helped me to think so: he made me +understand it to be impossible, and suggested that I had imagined +the vision--that it might be Satan himself--and other +suppositions of that kind. For all this, the impression remained +with me that the vision was from God, and not an imagination; +but, as it was not to my liking, I forced myself to lie to +myself; and as I did not dare to discuss the matter with any one, +and as great importunity was used, I went back to my former +conversation with the same person, and with others also, at +different times; for I was assured that there was no harm in +seeing such a person, and that I gained, instead of losing, +reputation by doing so. I spent many years in this pestilent +amusement; for it never appeared to me, when I was engaged in it, +to be so bad as it really was, though at times I saw clearly it +was not good. But no one caused me the same distraction which +that person did of whom I am speaking; and that was because I had +a great affection for her. + +13. At another time, when I was with that person, we saw, both of +us, and others who were present also saw, something like a great +toad crawling towards us, more rapidly than such a creature is in +the habit of crawling. I cannot understand how a reptile of that +kind could, in the middle of the day, have come forth from that +place; it never had done so before, [5] but the impression it +made on me was such, that I think it must have had a meaning; +neither have I ever forgotten it. Oh, the greatness of God! with +what care and tenderness didst Thou warn me in every way! and how +little I profited by those warnings! + +14. There was in that house a nun, who was related to me, now +grown old, a great servant of God, and a strict observer of the +rule. She too warned me from time to time; but I not only did +not listen to her, but was even offended, thinking she was +scandalized without cause. I have mentioned this in order that +my wickedness and the great goodness of God might be understood, +and to show how much I deserved hell for ingratitude so great, +and, moreover, if it should be our Lord's will and pleasure that +any nun at any time should read this, that she might take warning +by me. I beseech them all, for the love of our Lord, to flee +from such recreations as these. + +15. May His Majesty grant I may undeceive some one of the many I +led astray when I told them there was no harm in these things, +and assured them there was no such great danger therein. I did so +because I was blind myself; for I would not deliberately lead +them astray. By the bad example I set before them--I spoke of +this before [6]--I was the occasion of much evil, not thinking I +was doing so much harm. + +16. In those early days, when I was ill, and before I knew how to +be of use to myself, I had a very strong desire to further the +progress of others: [7] a most common temptation of beginners. +With me, however, it had good results. Loving my father so much, +I longed to see him in the possession of that good which I seemed +to derive myself from prayer. I thought that in this life there +could not be a greater good than prayer; and by roundabout ways, +as well as I could, I contrived make him enter upon it; I gave +him books for that end. As he was so good--I said so +before [8]--this exercise took such a hold upon him, that in five +or six years, I think it was, he made so great a progress that I +used to praise our Lord for it. It was a very great consolation +to me. He had most grievous trials of diverse kinds; and he bore +them all with the greatest resignation. He came often to see me; +for it was a comfort to him to speak of the things of God. + +17. And now that I had become so dissipated, and had ceased to +pray, and yet saw that he still thought I was what I used to be, +I could not endure it, and so undeceived him. I had been a year +and more without praying, thinking it an act of greater humility +to abstain. This--I shall speak of it again [9]--was the +greatest temptation I ever had, because it very nearly wrought my +utter ruin; [10] for, when I used to pray, if I offended God one +day, on the following days I would recollect myself, and withdraw +farther from the occasions of sin. + +18. When that blessed man, having that good opinion of me, came +to visit me, it pained me to see him so deceived as to think that +I used to pray to God as before. So I told him that I did not +pray; but I did not tell him why. I put my infirmities forward +as an excuse; for though I had recovered from that which was so +troublesome, I have always been weak, even very much so; and +though my infirmities are somewhat less troublesome now than they +were, they still afflict me in many ways; specially, I have been +suffering for twenty years from sickness every morning, [11] so +that I could not take any food till past mid-day, and even +occasionally not till later; and now, since my Communions have +become more frequent, it is at night, before I lie down to rest, +that the sickness occurs, and with greater pain; for I have to +bring it on with a feather, or other means. If I do not bring it +on, I suffer more; and thus I am never, I believe, free from +great pain, which is sometimes very acute, especially about the +heart; though the fainting-fits are now but of rare occurrence. +I am also, these eight years past, free from the paralysis, and +from other infirmities of fever, which I had so often. These +afflictions I now regard so lightly, that I am even glad of them, +believing that our Lord in some degree takes His pleasure +in them. + +19. My father believed me when I gave him that for a reason, as +he never told a lie himself; neither should I have done so, +considering the relation we were in. I told him, in order to be +the more easily believed, that it was much for me to be able to +attend in choir, though I saw clearly that this was no excuse +whatever; neither, however, was it a sufficient reason for giving +up a practice which does not require, of necessity, bodily +strength, but only love and a habit thereof; yet our Lord always +furnishes an opportunity for it, if we but seek it. I say +always; for though there may be times, as in illness, and from +other causes, when we cannot be much alone, yet it never can be +but there must be opportunities when our strength is sufficient +for the purpose; and in sickness itself, and amidst other +hindrances, true prayer consists, when the soul loves, in +offering up its burden, and in thinking of Him for Whom it +suffers, and in the resignation of the will, and in a thousand +ways which then present themselves. It is under these +circumstances that love exerts itself for it is not necessarily +prayer when we are alone; and neither is it not prayer when we +are not. + +20. With a little care, we may find great blessings on those +occasions when our Lord, by means of afflictions, deprives us of +time for prayer; and so I found it when I had a good conscience. +But my father, having that opinion of me which he had, and +because of the love he bore me, believed all I told him; +moreover, he was sorry for me; and as he had now risen to great +heights of prayer himself, he never remained with me long; for +when he had seen me, he went his way, saying that he was wasting +his time. As I was wasting it in other vanities, I cared little +about this. + +21. My father was not the only person whom I prevailed upon to +practise prayer, though I was walking in vanity myself. When I +saw persons fond of reciting their prayers, I showed them how to +make a meditation, and helped them and gave them books; for from +the time I began myself to pray, as I said before, [12] I always +had a desire that others should serve God. I thought, now that I +did not myself serve our Lord according to the light I had, that +the knowledge His Majesty had given me ought not to be lost, and +that others should serve Him for me. [13] I say this in order to +explain the great blindness I was in: going to ruin myself, and +labouring to save others. + +22. At this time, that illness befell my father of which he +died; [14] it lasted some days. I went to nurse him, being more +sick in spirit than he was in body, owing to my many +vanities--though not, so far as I know, to the extent of being in +mortal sin--through the whole of that wretched time of which I am +speaking; for, if I knew myself to be in mortal sin, I would not +have continued in it on any account. I suffered much myself +during his illness. I believe I rendered him some service in +return for what he had suffered in mine. Though I was very ill, +I did violence to myself; and though in losing him I was to lose +all the comfort and good of my life--he was all this to me--I was +so courageous, that I never betrayed my sorrows, concealing them +till he was dead, as if I felt none at all. It seemed as if my +very soul were wrenched when I saw him at the point of death--my +love for him was so deep. + +23. It was a matter for which we ought to praise our Lord--the +death that he died, and the desire he had to die; so also was the +advice he gave us after the last anointing, how he charged us to +recommend him to God, and to pray for mercy for him, how he bade +us serve God always, and consider how all things come to an end. +He told us with tears how sorry he was that he had not served Him +himself; for he wished he was a friar--I mean, that he had been +one in the Strictest Order that is. I have a most assured +conviction that our Lord, some fifteen days before, had revealed +to him he was not to live; for up to that time, though very ill, +he did not think so; but now, though he was somewhat better, and +the physicians said so, he gave no heed to them, but employed +himself in the ordering of his soul. + +24. His chief suffering consisted in a most acute pain of the +shoulders, which never left him: it was so sharp at times, that +it put him into great torture. I said to him, that as he had so +great a devotion to our Lord carrying His cross on His shoulders, +he should now think that His Majesty wished him to feel somewhat +of that pain which He then suffered Himself. This so comforted +him, that I do not think I heard him complain afterwards. + +25. He remained three days without consciousness; but on the day +he died, our Lord restored him so completely, that we were +astonished: he preserved his understanding to the last; for in +the middle of the creed, which he repeated himself, he died. +He lay there like an angel--such he seemed to me, if I may say +so, both in soul and disposition: he was very good. + +26. I know not why I have said this, unless it be for the purpose +of showing how much the more I am to be blamed for my wickedness; +for after seeing such a death, and knowing what his life had +been, I, in order to be in any wise like unto such a father, +ought to have grown better. His confessor, a most learned +Dominican, [15] used to say that he had no doubt he went straight +to heaven. [16] He had heard his confession for some years, and +spoke with praise of the purity of his conscience. + +27. This Dominican father, who was a very good man, fearing God, +did me a very great service; for I confessed to him. He took +upon himself the task of helping my soul in earnest, and of +making me see the perilous state I was in. [17] He sent me to +Communion once a fortnight; [18] and I, by degrees beginning to +speak to him, told him about my prayer. He charged me never to +omit it: that, anyhow, it could not do me anything but good. +I began to return to it--though I did not cut off the occasions +of sin--and never afterwards gave it up. My life became most +wretched, because I learned in prayer more and more of my faults. +On one side, God was calling me; on the other, I was following +the world. All the things of God gave me great pleasure; and I +was a prisoner to the things of the world. It seemed as if I +wished to reconcile two contradictions, so much at variance one +with another as are the life of the spirit and the joys and +pleasures and amusements of sense. [19] + +28. I suffered much in prayer; for the spirit was slave, and not +master; and so I was not able to shut myself up within +myself--that was my whole method of prayer--without shutting up +with me a thousand vanities at the same time. I spent many years +in this way; and I am now astonished that any one could have +borne it without abandoning either the one or the other. I know +well that it was not in my power then to give up prayer, because +He held me in His hand Who sought me that He might show me +greater mercies. + +29. O my God! if I might, I would speak of the occasions from +which God delivered me, and how I threw myself into them again; +and of the risks I ran of losing utterly my good name, from which +He delivered me. I did things to show what I was; and our Lord +hid the evil, and revealed some little virtue--if so be I had +any--and made it great in the eyes of all, so that they always +held me in much honour. For although my follies came +occasionally into light, people would not believe it when they +saw other things, which they thought good. The reason is, that +He Who knoweth all things saw it was necessary it should be so, +in order that I might have some credit given me by those to whom +in after years I was to speak of His service. His supreme +munificence regarded not my great sins, but rather the desires I +frequently had to please Him, and the pain I felt because I had +not the strength to bring those desires to good effect. + +30. O Lord of my soul! how shall I be able to magnify the graces +which Thou, in those years, didst bestow upon me? Oh, how, at +the very time that I offended Thee most, Thou didst prepare me in +a moment, by a most profound compunction, to taste of the +sweetness of Thy consolations and mercies! In truth, O my King, +Thou didst administer to me the most delicate and painful +chastisement it was possible for me to bear; for Thou knewest +well what would have given me the most pain. Thou didst chastise +my sins with great consolations. I do not believe I am saying +foolish things, though it may well be that I am beside myself +whenever I call to mind my ingratitude and my wickedness. + +31. It was more painful for me, in the state I was in, to receive +graces, when I had fallen into grievous faults, than it would +have been to receive chastisement; for one of those faults, I am +sure, used to bring me low, shame and distress me, more than many +diseases, together with many heavy trials, could have done. +For, as to the latter, I saw that I deserved them; and it seemed +to me that by them I was making some reparation for my sins, +though it was but slight, for my sins are so many. But when I +see myself receive graces anew, after being so ungrateful for +those already received, that is to me--and, I believe, to all who +have any knowledge or love of God--a fearful kind of torment. We +may see how true this is by considering what a virtuous mind must +be. Hence my tears and vexation when I reflected on what I felt, +seeing myself in a condition to fall at every moment, though my +resolutions and desires then--I am speaking of that +time--were strong. + +32. It is a great evil for a soul to be alone in the midst of +such great dangers; it seems to me that if I had had any one with +whom I could have spoken of all this, it might have helped me not +to fall. I might, at least, have been ashamed before him--and +yet I was not ashamed before God. + +33. For this reason, I would advise those who give themselves to +prayer, particularly at first, to form friendships; and converse +familiarly, with others who are doing the same thing. It is a +matter of the last importance, even if it lead only to helping +one another by prayer: how much more, seeing that it has led to +much greater gain! Now, if in their intercourse one with +another, and in the indulgence of human affections even not of +the best kind, men seek friends with whom they may refresh +themselves, and for the purpose of having greater satisfaction in +speaking of their empty joys, I know no reason why it should not +be lawful for him who is beginning to love and serve God in +earnest to confide to another his joys and sorrows; for they who +are given to prayer are thoroughly accustomed to both. + +34. For if that friendship with God which he desires be real, let +him not be afraid of vain-glory; and if the first movements +thereof assail him, he will escape from it with merit; and I +believe that he who will discuss the matter with this intention +will profit both himself and those who hear him, and thus will +derive more light for his own understanding, as well as for the +instruction of his friends. He who in discussing his method of +prayer falls into vain-glory will do so also when he hears Mass +devoutly, if he is seen of men, and in doing other good works, +which must be done under pain of being no Christian; and yet +these things must not be omitted through fear of vain-glory. + +35. Moreover, it is a most important matter for those souls who +are not strong in virtue; for they have so many people, enemies +as well as friends, to urge them the wrong way, that I do not see +how this point is capable of exaggeration. It seems to me that +Satan has employed this artifice--and it is of the greatest +service to him--namely, that men who really wish to love and +please God should hide the fact, while others, at his suggestion, +make open show of their malicious dispositions; and this is so +common, that it seems a matter of boasting now, and the offences +committed against God are thus published abroad. + +36. I do not know whether the things I am saying are foolish or +not. If they be so, your reverence will strike them out. +I entreat you to help my simplicity by adding a good deal to +this, because the things that relate to the service of God are so +feebly managed, that it is necessary for those who would serve +Him to join shoulder to shoulder, if they are to advance at all; +for it is considered safe to live amidst the vanities and +pleasures of the world, and few there be who regard them with +unfavourable eyes. But if any one begins to give himself up to +the service of God, there are so many to find fault with him, +that it becomes necessary for him to seek companions, in order +that he may find protection among them till he grows strong +enough not to feel what he may be made to suffer. If he does +not, he will find himself in great straits. + +37. This, I believe, must have been the reason why some of the +Saints withdrew into the desert. And it is a kind of humility in +man not to trust to himself, but to believe that God will help +him in his relations with those with whom he converses; and +charity grows by being diffused; and there are a thousand +blessings herein which I would not dare to speak of, if I had not +known by experience the great importance of it. It is very true +that I am the most wicked and the basest of all who are born of +women; but I believe that he who, humbling himself, though +strong, yet trusteth not in himself, and believeth another who in +this matter has had experience, will lose nothing. Of myself I +may say that, if our Lord had not revealed to me this truth, and +given me the opportunity of speaking very frequently to persons +given to prayer, I should have gone on falling and rising till I +tumbled into hell. I had many friends to help me to fall; but as +to rising again, I was so much left to myself, that I wonder now +I was not always on the ground. I praise God for His mercy; for +it was He only Who stretched out His hand to me. May He be +blessed for ever! Amen. + + +1. See Way of Perfection, ch. xl.; but ch. xxvii. of the +former editions. + +2. See Relation, i. § 18. + +3. A.D. 1537, when the Saint was twenty-two years old (Bouix). +This passage, therefore, must be one of the additions to the +second Life; for the first was written in 1562, twenty-five years +only after the vision. + +4. See ch. xxvii. § 3. + +5. In the parlour of the monastery of the Incarnation, Avila, a +painting of this is preserved to this day (De la Fuente). + +6. Ch. vi. § 4. + +7. See Inner Fortress, v. iii. § 1. + +8. Ch. i. § i. + +9. Ch. xix. §§ 9, 17. + +10. See § 2, above. + +11. See ch. xi. § 23: Inner Fortress, vi. i. § 8. + +12. § 16. + +13. See Inner Fortress, v. iii. § 1. + +14. In 1541, when the Saint was twenty-five years of age (Bouix). + +15. F. Vicente Barron (Reforma, lib. i. ch. xv.). + +16. See ch. xxxviii. § 1. + +17. See ch. xix. § 19. + +18. The Spanish editor calls attention to this as a proof of +great laxity in those days--that a nun like St. Teresa should be +urged to communicate as often as once in a fortnight. + +19. See ch. xiii. §§ 7, 8. + + + +Chapter VIII. + + +The Saint Ceases Not to Pray. Prayer the Way to Recover What +Is Lost. All Exhorted to Pray. The Great Advantage of Prayer, +Even to Those Who May Have Ceased from It. + + +1. It is not without reason that I have dwelt so long on this +portion of my life. I see clearly that it will give no one +pleasure to see anything so base; and certainly I wish those who +may read this to have me in abhorrence, as a soul so obstinate +and so ungrateful to Him Who did so much for me. I could wish, +too, I had permission to say how often at this time I failed in +my duty to God, because I was not leaning on the strong pillar of +prayer. I passed nearly twenty years on this stormy sea, falling +and rising, but rising to no good purpose, seeing that I went and +fell again. My life was one of perfection; but it was so mean, +that I scarcely made any account whatever of venial sins; and +though of mortal sins I was afraid, I was not so afraid of them +as I ought to have been, because I did not avoid the perilous +occasions of them. I may say that it was the most painful life +that can be imagined, because I had no sweetness in God, and no +pleasure in the world. + +2. When I was in the midst of the pleasures of the world, the +remembrance of what I owed to God made me sad; and when I was +praying to God, my worldly affections disturbed me. This is so +painful a struggle, that I know not how I could have borne it for +a month, let alone for so many years. Nevertheless, I can trace +distinctly the great mercy of our Lord to me, while thus immersed +in the world, in that I had still the courage to pray. I say +courage, because I know of nothing in the whole world which +requires greater courage than plotting treason against the King, +knowing that He knows it, and yet never withdrawing from His +presence; for, granting that we are always in the presence of +God, yet it seems to me that those who pray arc in His presence +in a very different sense; for they, as it were, see that He is +looking upon them; while others may be for days together without +even once recollecting that God sees them. + +3. It is true, indeed, that during these years there were many +months, and, I believe, occasionally a whole year, in which I so +kept guard over myself that I did not offend our Lord, gave +myself much to prayer, and took some pains, and that +successfully, not to offend Him. I speak of this now, because +all I am saying is strictly true; but I remember very little of +those good days, and so they must have been few, while my evil +days were many. Still, the days that passed over without my +spending a great part of them in prayer were few, unless I was +very ill, or very much occupied. + +4. When I was ill, I was well with God. I contrived that those +about me should be so, too, and I made supplications to our Lord +for this grace, and spoke frequently of Him. Thus, with the +exception of that year of which I have been speaking, during +eight-and-twenty years of prayer, I spent more than eighteen in +that strife and contention which arose out of my attempts to +reconcile God and the world. As to the other years, of which I +have now to speak, in them the grounds of the warfare, though it +was not slight, were changed; but inasmuch as I was--at least, I +think so--serving God, and aware of the vanity of the world, all +has been pleasant, as I shall show hereafter. [1] + +5. The reason, then, of my telling this at so great a length is +that, as I have just said, [2] the mercy of God and my +ingratitude, on the one hand, may become known; and, on the +other, that men may understand how great is the good which God +works in a soul when He gives it a disposition to pray in +earnest, though it may not be so well prepared as it ought to be. +If that soul perseveres in spite of sins, temptations, and +relapses, brought about in a thousand ways by Satan, our Lord +will bring it at last--I am certain of it--to the harbour of +salvation, as He has brought me myself; for so it seems to me +now. May His Majesty grant I may never go back and be lost! +He who gives himself to prayer is in possession of a great +blessing, of which many saintly and good men have written--I am +speaking of mental prayer--glory be to God for it; and, if they +had not done so, I am not proud enough, though I have but little +humility, to presume to discuss it. + +6. I may speak of that which I know by experience; and so I say, +let him never cease from prayer who has once begun it, be his +life ever so wicked; for prayer is the way to amend it, and +without prayer such amendment will be much more difficult. +Let him not be tempted by Satan, as I was, to give it up, on the +pretence of humility; [3] let him rather believe that His words +are true Who says that, if we truly repent, and resolve never to +offend Him, He will take us into His favour again, [4] give us +the graces He gave us before, and occasionally even greater, if +our repentance deserve it. And as to him who has not begun to +pray, I implore him by the love of our Lord not to deprive +himself of so great a good. + +7. Herein there is nothing to be afraid of, but everything to +hope for. Granting that such a one does not advance, nor make an +effort to become perfect, so as to merit the joys and +consolations which the perfect receive from God, yet he will by +little and little attain to a knowledge of the road which leads +to heaven. And if he perseveres, I hope in the mercy of God for +him, seeing that no one ever took Him for his friend that was not +amply rewarded; for mental prayer is nothing else, in my opinion, +but being on terms of friendship with God, frequently conversing +in secret with Him Who, we know, loves us. Now, true love and +lasting friendship require certain dispositions: those of our +Lord, we know, are absolutely perfect; ours, vicious, sensual, +and thankless; and you cannot therefore, bring yourselves to love +Him as He loves you, because you have not the disposition to do +so; and if you do not love Him, yet, seeing how much it concerns +you to have His friendship, and how great is His love for you, +rise above that pain you feel at being much with Him Who is so +different from you. + +8. O infinite goodness of my God! I seem to see Thee and myself +in this relation to one another. O Joy of the angels! when I +consider it, I wish I could wholly die of love! How true it is +that Thou endurest those who will not endure Thee! Oh, how good +a friend art Thou, O my Lord! how Thou comfortest and endurest, +and also waitest for them to make themselves like unto Thee, and +yet, in the meanwhile, art Thyself so patient of the state they +are in! Thou takest into account the occasions during which they +seek Thee, and for a moment of penitence forgettest their +offences against Thyself. + +9. I have seen this distinctly in my own case, and I cannot tell +why the whole world does not labour to draw near to Thee in this +particular friendship. The wicked, who do not resemble Thee, +ought to do so, in order that Thou mayest make them good, and for +that purpose should permit Thee to remain with them at least for +two hours daily, even though they may not remain with Thee but, +as I used to do, with a thousand distractions, and with worldly +thoughts. In return for this violence which they offer to +themselves for the purpose of remaining in a company so good as +Thine--for at first they can do no more, and even afterwards at +times--Thou, O Lord, defendest them against the assaults of evil +spirits, whose power Thou restrainest, and even lessenest daily, +giving to them the victory over these their enemies. So it is, O +Life of all lives, Thou slayest none that put their trust in +Thee, and seek Thy friendship; yea, rather, Thou sustainest their +bodily life in greater vigour, and makest their soul to live. + +10. I do not understand what there can be to make them afraid who +are afraid to begin mental prayer, nor do I know what it is they +dread. The devil does well to bring this fear upon us, that he +may really hurt us by putting me in fear, he can make me cease +from thinking of my offences against God, of the great debt I owe +Him, of the existence of heaven and hell, and of the great +sorrows and trials He underwent for me. That was all my prayer, +and had been, when I was in this dangerous state, and it was on +those subjects I dwelt whenever I could; and very often, for some +years, I was more occupied with the wish to see the end of the +time I had appointed for myself to spend in prayer, and in +watching the hour-glass, than with other thoughts that were good. +If a sharp penance had been laid upon me, I know of none that I +would not very often have willingly undertaken, rather than +prepare myself for prayer by self-recollection. And certainly +the violence with which Satan assailed me was so irresistible, or +my evil habits were so strong, that I did not betake myself to +prayer; and the sadness I felt on entering the oratory was so +great, that it required all the courage I had to force myself in. +They say of me that my courage is not slight, and it is known +that God has given me a courage beyond that of a woman; but I +have made a bad use of it. In the end, our Lord came to my help; +and then, when I had done this violence to myself, I found +greater peace and joy than I sometimes had when I had a desire +to pray. + +11. If, then, our Lord bore so long with me, who was so +wicked--and it is plain that it was by prayer all my evil was +corrected--why should any one, how wicked soever he may be, have +any fear? Let him be ever so wicked, he will not remain in his +wickedness so many years as I did, after receiving so many graces +from our Lord. Is there any one who can despair, when He bore so +long with me, only because I desired and contrived to find some +place and some opportunities for Him to be alone with me--and +that very often against my will? for I did violence to myself, or +rather our Lord Himself did violence to me. + +12. If, then, to those who do not serve God, but rather offend +Him, prayer be all this, and so necessary, and if no one can +really find out any harm it can do him, and if the omission of it +be not a still greater harm, why, then, should they abstain from +it who serve and desire to serve God? Certainly I cannot +comprehend it, unless it be that men have a mind to go through +the troubles of this life in greater misery, and to shut the door +in the face of God, so that He shall give them no comfort in it. +I am most truly sorry for them, because they serve God at their +own cost; for of those who pray, God Himself defrays the charges, +seeing that for a little trouble He gives sweetness, in order +that, by the help it supplies, they may bear their trials. + +13. But because I have much to say hereafter of this sweetness, +which our Lord gives to those who persevere in prayer, [5] I do +not speak of it here; only this will I say: prayer is the door to +those great graces which our Lord bestowed upon me. If this door +be shut, I do not see how He can bestow them; for even if He +entered into a soul to take His delight therein, and to make that +soul also delight in Him, there is no way by which He can do so; +for His will is, that such a soul should be lonely and pure, with +a great desire to receive His graces. If we put many hindrances +in the way, and take no pains whatever to remove them, how can He +come to us, and how can we have any desire that He should show us +His great mercies? + +14. I will speak now--for it is very important to understand +it--of the assaults which Satan directs against a soul for the +purpose of taking it, and of the contrivances and compassion +wherewith our Lord labours to convert it to Himself, in order +that men may behold His mercy, and the great good it was for me +that I did not give up prayer and spiritual reading, and that +they may be on their guard against the dangers against which I +was not on my guard myself. And, above all, I implore them for +the love of our Lord, and for the great love with which He goeth +about seeking our conversion to Himself, to beware of the +occasions of sin; for once placed therein, we have no ground to +rest on--so many enemies then assail us, and our own weakness is +such, that we cannot defend ourselves. + +15. Oh, that I knew how to describe the captivity of my soul in +those days! I understood perfectly that I was in captivity, but +I could not understand the nature of it; neither could I entirely +believe that those things which my confessors did not make so +much of were so wrong as I in my soul felt them to be. One of +them--I had gone to him with a scruple--told me that, even if I +were raised to high contemplation, those occasions and +conversations were not unfitting for me. This was towards the +end, when, by the grace of God, I was withdrawing more and more +from those great dangers, but not wholly from the occasions +of them. + +16. When they saw my good desires, and how I occupied myself in +prayer, I seemed to them to have done much; but my soul knew that +this was not doing what I was bound to do for Him to Whom I owed +so much. I am sorry for my poor soul even now, because of its +great sufferings, and the little help it had from any one except +God, and for the wide door that man opened for it, that it might +go forth to its pastimes and pleasures, when they said that these +things were lawful. + +17. Then there was the torture of sermons, and that not a slight +one; for I was very fond of them. If I heard any one preach well +and with unction, I felt, without my seeking it, a particular +affection for him, neither do I know whence it came. Thus, no +sermon ever seemed to me so bad, but that I listened to it with +pleasure; though, according to others who heard it, the preaching +was not good. If it was a good sermon, it was to me a most +special refreshment. To speak of God, or to hear Him spoken of, +never wearied me. I am speaking of the time after I gave myself +to prayer. At one time I had great comfort in sermons, at +another they distressed me, because they made me feel that I was +very far from being what I ought to have been. + +18. I used to pray to our Lord for help; but, as it now seems to +me, I must have committed the fault of not putting my whole trust +in His Majesty, and of not thoroughly distrusting myself. +I sought for help, took great pains; but it must be that I did +not understand how all is of little profit if we do not root out +all confidence in ourselves, and place it wholly in God. I wished +to live, but I saw clearly that I was not living, but rather +wrestling with the shadow of death; there was no one to give me +life, and I was not able to take it. He Who could have given it +me had good reasons for not coming to my aid, seeing that He had +brought me back to Himself so many times, and I as often had +left Him. + + +1. Ch. ix. § 10. + +2. § 1, above. + +3. Ch. vii. § 17; ch. xix. § 8. + +4. Ezech. xviii. 21: "Si autem impius egerit poenitentiam, . . . +vita vivet, et non morietur. Omnium iniquitatum ejus . . . +non recordabor." + +5. See ch. x. § 2, and ch. xi. § 22. + + + +Chapter IX. + + +The Means Whereby Our Lord Quickened Her Soul, Gave Her Light in +Her Darkness, and Made Her Strong in Goodness. + + +1. My soul was now grown weary; and the miserable habits it had +contracted would not suffer it to rest, though it was desirous of +doing so. It came to pass one day, when I went into the oratory, +that I saw a picture which they had put by there, and which had +been procured for a certain feast observed in the house. It was +a representation of Christ most grievously wounded; and so +devotional, that the very sight of it, when I saw it, moved +me--so well did it show forth that which He suffered for us. +So keenly did I feel the evil return I had made for those wounds, +that I thought my heart was breaking. I threw myself on the +ground beside it, my tears flowing plenteously, and implored Him +to strengthen me once for all, so that I might never offend Him +any more. + +2. I had a very great devotion to the glorious Magdalene, and +very frequently used to think of her conversion--especially when +I went to Communion. As I knew for certain that our Lord was +then within me, I used to place myself at His feet, thinking that +my tears would not be despised. I did not know what I was +saying; only He did great things for me, in that He was pleased I +should shed those tears, seeing that I so soon forgot that +impression. I used to recommend myself to that glorious Saint, +that she might obtain my pardon. + +3. But this last time, before that picture of which I am +speaking, I seem to have made greater progress; for I was now +very distrustful of myself, placing all my confidence in God. +It seems to me that I said to Him then that I would not rise up +till He granted my petition. I do certainly believe that this +was of great service to me, because I have grown better +ever since. [1] + +4. This was my method of prayer: as I could not make reflections +with my understanding, I contrived to picture Christ as within +me; [2] and I used to find myself the better for thinking of +those mysteries of His life during which He was most lonely. +It seemed to me that the being alone and afflicted, like a person +in trouble, must needs permit me to come near unto Him. + +5. I did many simple things of this kind; and in particular I +used to find myself most at home in the prayer in the Garden, +whither I went in His company. I thought of the bloody sweat, +and of the affliction He endured there; I wished, if it had been +possible, to wipe away that painful sweat from His face; but I +remember that I never dared to form such a resolution--my sins +stood before me so grievously. I used to remain with Him there +as long as my thoughts allowed me, and I had many thoughts to +torment me. For many years, nearly every night before I fell +asleep, when I recommended myself to God, that I might sleep in +peace, I used always to think a little of this mystery of the +prayer in the Garden--yea, even before I was a nun, because I had +been told that many indulgences were to be gained thereby. +For my part, I believe that my soul gained very much in this way, +because I began to practise prayer without knowing what it was; +and now that it had become my constant habit, I was saved from +omitting it, as I was from omitting to bless myself with the sign +of the cross before I slept. + +6. And now to go back to what I was saying of the torture which +my thoughts inflicted upon me. This method of praying, in which +the understanding makes no reflections, hath this property: the +soul must gain much, or lose. I mean, that those who advance +without meditation, make great progress, because it is done by +love. But to attain to this involves great labour, except to +those persons whom it is our Lord's good pleasure to lead quickly +to the prayer of quiet. I know of some. For those who walk in +this way, a book is profitable, that by the help thereof they may +the more quickly recollect themselves. It was a help to me also +to look on fields, water, and flowers. [3] In them I saw traces +of the Creator--I mean, that the sight of these things was as a +book unto me; it roused me, made me recollected, and reminded me +of my ingratitude and of my sins. My understanding was so dull, +that I could never represent in the imagination either heavenly +or high things in any form whatever until our Lord placed them +before me in another way. [4] + +7. I was so little able to put things before me by the help of my +understanding, that, unless I saw a thing with my eyes, my +imagination was of no use whatever. I could not do as others do, +who can put matters before themselves so as to become thereby +recollected. I was able to think of Christ only as man. But so +it was; and I never could form any image of Him to myself, though +I read much of His beauty, and looked at pictures of Him. I was +like one who is blind, or in the dark, who, though speaking to a +person present, and feeling his presence, because he knows for +certain that he is present--I mean, that he understands him to be +present, and believes it--yet does not see him. It was thus with +me when I used to think of our Lord. This is why I was so fond +of images. Wretched are they who, through their own fault, have +lost this blessing; it is clear enough that they do not love our +Lord--for if they loved Him, they would rejoice at the sight of +His picture, just as men find pleasure when they see the portrait +of one they love. + +8. At this time, the Confessions of St. Augustine were given me. +Our Lord seems to have so ordained it, for I did not seek them +myself, neither had I ever seen them before. I had a very great +devotion to St. Augustine, because the monastery in which I lived +when I was yet in the world was of his Order; [5] and also +because he had been a sinner--for I used to find great comfort in +those Saints whom, after they had sinned, our Lord converted to +Himself. I thought they would help me, and that, as our Lord had +forgiven them, so also He would forgive me. One thing, however, +there was that troubled me--I have spoken of it before [6]--our +Lord had called them but once, and they never relapsed; while my +relapses were now so many. This it was that vexed me. +But calling to mind the love that He bore me, I took courage +again. Of His mercy I never doubted once, but I did very often +of myself. + +9. O my God, I amazed at the hardness of my heart amidst so many +succours from Thee. I am filled with dread when I see how little +I could do with myself, and how I was clogged, so that I could +not resolve to give myself entirely to God. When I began to read +the Confessions, I thought I saw myself there described, and +began to recommend myself greatly to this glorious Saint. When I +came to his conversion, and read how he heard that voice in the +garden, it seemed to me nothing less than that our Lord had +uttered it for me: I felt so in my heart. I remained for some +time lost in tears, in great inward affliction and distress. O my +God, what a soul has to suffer because it has lost the liberty it +had of being mistress over itself! and what torments it has to +endure! I wonder now how I could live in torments so great: God +be praised Who gave me life, so that I might escape from so fatal +a death! I believe that my soul obtained great strength from His +Divine Majesty, and that He must have heard my cry, and had +compassion upon so many tears. + +10. A desire to spend more time with Him began to grow within me, +and also to withdraw from the occasions of sin: for as soon as I +had done so, I turned lovingly to His Majesty at once. +I understood clearly, as I thought, that I loved Him; but I did +not understand, as I ought to have understood it, wherein the +true love of God consists. I do not think I had yet perfectly +disposed myself to seek His service when His Majesty turned +towards me with His consolations. What others strive after with +great labour, our Lord seems to have looked out for a way to make +me willing to accept--that is, in these later years to give me +joy and comfort. But as for asking our Lord to give me either +these things or sweetness in devotion, I never dared to do it; +the only thing I prayed Him to give me was the grace never to +offend Him, together with the forgiveness of my great sins. +When I saw that my sins were so great, I never ventured +deliberately to ask for consolation or for sweetness. He had +compassion enough upon me, I think--and, in truth, He dealt with +me according to His great mercy--when He allowed me to stand +before Him, and when He drew me into His presence; for I saw +that, if He had not drawn me, I should not have come at all. + +11. Once only in my life do I remember asking for consolation, +being at the time in great aridities. When I considered what I +had done, I was so confounded, that the very distress I suffered +from seeing how little humility I had, brought me that which I +had been so bold as to ask for. I knew well that it was lawful +to pray for it; but it seemed to me that it is lawful only for +those who are in good dispositions, who have sought with all +their might to attain to true devotion--that is, not to offend +God, and to be disposed and resolved for all goodness. I looked +upon those tears of mine as womanish and weak, seeing that I did +not obtain my desires by them; nevertheless, I believe that they +did me some service; for, specially after those two occasions of +great compunction and sorrow of heart, [7] accompanied by tears, +of which I am speaking, I began in an especial way to give myself +more to prayer, and to occupy myself less with those things which +did me harm--though I did not give them up altogether. But God +Himself, as I have just said, came to my aid, and helped me to +turn away from them. As His Majesty was only waiting for some +preparation on my part, the spiritual graces grew in me as I +shall now explain. It is not the custom of our Lord to give +these graces to any but to those who keep their consciences in +greater pureness. [8] + + +1. In the year 1555 (Bouix). + +2. See ch. iv. § 10; ch. x. § 1. + +3. See Relation, i. § 12. + +4. See ch. iv. § 11. + +5. Ch. ii. § 8. + +6. In the Prologue. + +7. § 1. + +8. Ch. iv. § 11. + + + +Chapter X. + + +The Graces She Received in Prayer. What We Can Do Ourselves. +The Great Importance of Understanding What Our Lord Is Doing +for Us. She Desires Her Confessors to Keep Her Writings Secret, +Because of the Special Graces of Our Lord to Her, Which They Had +Commanded Her to Describe. + + +1. I used to have at times, as I have said, [1] though it used to +pass quickly away--certain commencements of that which I am going +now to describe. When I formed those pictures within myself of +throwing myself at the feet of Christ, as I said before, [2] and +sometimes even when I was reading, a feeling of the presence of +God would come over me unexpectedly, so that I could in no wise +doubt either that He was within me, or that I was wholly absorbed +in Him. It was not by way of vision; I believe it was what is +called mystical theology. The soul is suspended in such a way +that it seems to be utterly beside itself. The will loves; the +memory, so it seems to me, is as it were lost; and the +understanding, so I think, makes no reflections--yet is not lost: +as I have just said, it is not at work, but it stands as if +amazed at the greatness of the things it understands; for God +wills it to understand that it understands nothing whatever of +that which His Majesty places before it. + +2. Before this, I had a certain tenderness of soul which was very +abiding, partially attainable, I believe, in some measure, by our +own efforts: a consolation which is not wholly in the senses, nor +yet altogether in the spirit, but is all of it the gift of God. +However, I think we can contribute much towards the attaining of +it by considering our vileness and our ingratitude towards +God--the great things He has done for us--His Passion, with its +grievous pains--and His life, so full of sorrows; also, by +rejoicing in the contemplation of His works, of His greatness, +and of the love that He bears us. Many other considerations +there are which he who really desires to make progress will often +stumble on, though he may not be very much on the watch for them. +If with this there be a little love, the soul is comforted, the +heart is softened, and tears flow. Sometimes it seems that we do +violence to ourselves and weep; at other times, our Lord seems to +do so, so that we have no power to resist Him. His Majesty seems +to reward this slight carefulness of ours with so grand a gift as +is this consolation which He ministers to the soul of seeing +itself weeping for so great a Lord. I am not surprised; for the +soul has reason enough, and more than enough, for its joy. Here +it comforts itself--here it rejoices. + +3. The comparison which now presents itself seems to me to be +good. These joys in prayer are like what those of heaven must +be. As the vision of the saints, which is measured by their +merits there, reaches no further than our Lord wills, and as the +blessed see how little merit they had, every one of them is +satisfied with the place assigned him: there being the very +greatest difference between one joy and another in heaven, and +much greater than between one spiritual joy and another on +earth--which is, however, very great. And in truth, in the +beginning, a soul in which God works this grace thinks that now +it has scarcely anything more to desire, and counts itself +abundantly rewarded for all the service it has rendered Him. +And there is reason for this: for one of those tears--which, as I +have just said, are almost in our own power, though without God +nothing can be done--cannot, in my opinion, be purchased with all +the labours of the world, because of the great gain it brings us. +And what greater gain can we have than some testimony of our +having pleased God? Let him, then, who shall have attained to +this, give praise unto God--acknowledge himself to be one of His +greatest debtors; because it seems to be His will to take him +into His house, having chosen him for His kingdom, if he does not +turn back. + +4. Let him not regard certain kinds of humility which exist, and +of which I mean to speak. [3] Some think it humility not to +believe that God is bestowing His gifts upon them. Let us +clearly understand this, and that it is perfectly clear God +bestows His gifts without any merit whatever on our part; and let +us be grateful to His Majesty for them; for if we do not +recognize the gifts received at His hands, we shall never be +moved to love Him. It is a most certain truth, that the richer +we see ourselves to be, confessing at the same time our poverty, +the greater will be our progress, and the more real our humility. + +5. An opposite course tends to take away all courage; for we +shall think ourselves incapable of great blessings, if we begin +to frighten ourselves with the dread of vain-glory when our Lord +begins to show His mercy upon us. [4] Let us believe that He Who +gives these gifts will also, when the devil begins to tempt us +herein, give us the grace to detect him, and the strength to +resist him--that is, He will do so if we walk in simplicity +before God, aiming at pleasing Him only, and not men. It is a +most evident truth, that our love for a person is greater, the +more distinctly we remember the good he has done us. + +6. If, then, it is lawful, and so meritorious, always to remember +that we have our being from God, that He has created us out of +nothing, that He preserves us, and also to remember all the +benefits of His death and Passion, which He suffered long before +He made us for every one of us now alive--why should it not be +lawful for me to discern, confess, and consider often that I was +once accustomed to speak of vanities, and that now our Lord has +given me the grace to speak only of Himself? + +7. Here, then, is a precious pearl, which, when we remember that +it is given us, and that we have it in possession, powerfully +invites us to love. All this is the fruit of prayer founded on +humility. What, then, will it be when we shall find ourselves in +possession of other pearls of greater price, such as contempt of +the world and of self, which some servants of God have already +received? It is clear that such souls must consider themselves +greater debtors--under greater obligations to serve Him: we must +acknowledge that we have nothing of ourselves, and confess the +munificence of our Lord, Who, on a soul so wretched and poor, and +so utterly undeserving, as mine is,--for whom the first of these +pearls was enough, and more than enough,--would bestow greater +riches than I could desire. + +8. We must renew our strength to serve Him, and strive not to be +ungrateful, because it is on this condition that our Lord +dispenses His treasures; for if we do not make a good use of +them, and of the high estate to which He raises us, He will +return and take them from us, and we shall be poorer than ever. +His Majesty will give the pearls to him who shall bring them +forth and employ them usefully for himself and others. For how +shall he be useful, and how shall he spend liberally, who does +not know that he is rich? It is not possible, I think, our +nature being what it is, that he can have the courage necessary +for great things who does not know that God is on his side; for +so miserable are we, so inclined to the things of this world, +that he can hardly have any real abhorrence of, with great +detachment from, all earthly things who does not see that he +holds some pledges for those things that are above. It is by +these gifts that our Lord gives us that strength which we through +our sins have lost. + +9. A man will hardly wish to be held in contempt and abhorrence, +nor will he seek after the other great virtues to which the +perfect attain, if he has not some pledges of the love which God +bears him, together with a living faith. Our nature is so dead, +that we go after that which we see immediately before us; and it +is these graces, therefore, that quicken and strengthen our +faith. It may well be that I, who am so wicked, measure others +by myself, and that others require nothing more than the verities +of the faith, in order to render their works most perfect; while +I, wretched that I am! have need of everything. + +10. Others will explain this. I speak from my own experience, as +I have been commanded; and if what I say be not correct, let +him [5] to whom I send it destroy it; for he knows better than I +do what is wrong in it. I entreat him, for the love of our Lord, +to publish abroad what I have thus far said of my wretched life, +and of my sins. I give him leave to do so; and to all my +confessors, also,--of whom he is one--to whom this is to be sent, +if it be their pleasure, even during my life, so that I may no +longer deceive people who think there must be some good in +me. [6] Certainly, I speak in all sincerity, so far as I +understand myself. Such publication will give me great comfort. + +11. But as to that which I am now going to say, I give no such +leave; nor, if it be shown to any one, do I consent to its being +said who the person is whose experience it describes, nor who +wrote it. This is why I mention neither my own name, nor that of +any other person whatever. I have written it in the best way I +could, in order not to be known; and this I beg of them for the +love of God. Persons so learned and grave as they are [7] have +authority enough to approve of whatever right things I may say, +should our Lord give me the grace to do so; and if I should say +anything of the kind, it will be His, and not mine--because I am +neither learned nor of good life, and I have no person of +learning or any other to teach me; for they only who ordered me +to write know that I am writing, and at this moment they are not +here. I have, as it were, to steal the time, and that with +difficulty, because my writing hinders me from spinning. I am +living in a house that is poor, and have many things to do. [8] +If, indeed, our Lord had given me greater abilities and a better +memory, I might then profit by what I have seen and read; but my +abilities are very slight. If, then, I should say anything that +is right, our Lord will have it said for some good purpose; that +which may be wrong will be mine, and your reverence will strike +it out. + +12. In neither case will it be of any use to publish my name: +during my life, it is clear that no good I may have done ought to +be told; after death, there is no reason against it, except that +it will lose all authority and credit, because related of a +person so vile and so wicked as I am. And because I think your +reverence and the others who may see this writing will do this +that I ask of you, for the love of our Lord, I write with +freedom. If it were not so, I should have great scruples, except +in declaring my sins: and in that matter I should have none at +all. For the rest, it is enough that I am a woman to make my +sails droop: how much more, then, when I am a woman, and a +wicked one? + +13. So, then, everything here beyond the simple story of my life +your reverence must take upon yourself--since you have so pressed +me to give some account of the graces which our Lord bestowed +upon me in prayer--if it be consistent with the truths of our +holy Catholic faith; if it be not, your reverence must burn it at +once--for I give my consent. I will recount my experience, in +order that, if it be consistent with those truths, your reverence +may make some use of it; if not, you will deliver my soul from +delusion, so that Satan may gain nothing there where I seemed to +be gaining myself. Our Lord knows well that I, as I shall show +hereafter, [9] have always laboured to find out those who could +give me light. + +14. How clear soever I may wish to make my account of that which +relates to prayer, it will be obscure enough for those who are +without experience. I shall speak of certain hindrances, which, +as I understand it, keep men from advancing on this road--and of +other things which are dangerous, as our Lord has taught me by +experience. I have also discussed the matter with men of great +learning, with persons who for many years had lived spiritual +lives, who admit that, in the twenty-seven years only during +which I have given myself to prayer--though I walked so ill, and +stumbled so often on the road--His Majesty granted me that +experience which others attain to in seven-and-thirty, or +seven-and-forty, years; and they, too, being persons who ever +advanced in the way of penance and of virtue. + +15. Blessed be God for all, and may His infinite Majesty make use +of me! Our Lord knoweth well that I have no other end in this +than that He may be praised and magnified a little, when men +shall see that on a dunghill so foul and rank He has made a +garden of flowers so sweet. May it please His Majesty that I may +not by my own fault root them out, and become again what I was +before. And I entreat your reverence, for the love of our Lord, +to beg this of Him for me, seeing that you have a clearer +knowledge of what I am than you have allowed me to give of +myself here. + + +1. The Saint interrupts her history here to enter on the +difficult questions of mystical theology, and resumes it in +ch. xxiii. + +2. Ch. ix. § 4. + +3. Ch. xxx. §§ 10 and 11. + +4. See ch. xiii. § 5. + +5. F. Pedro Ybañez, of the Order of St. Dominic. + +6. See ch. xxxi. § 17. + +7. See ch. xv. § 12. + +8. See ch. xiv. § 12. + +9. See ch. xxiv. § 5. + + + +Chapter XI. + + +Why Men Do Not Attain Quickly to the Perfect Love of God. +Of Four Degrees of Prayer. Of the First Degree. The Doctrine +Profitable for Beginners, and for Those Who Have No +Sensible Sweetness. + + +1. I speak now of those who begin to be the servants of love; +that seems to me to be nothing else but to resolve to follow Him +in the way of prayer, who has loved us so much. It is a dignity +so great, that I have a strange joy in thinking of it; for +servile fear vanishes at once, if we are, as we ought to be, in +the first degree. O Lord of my soul, and my good, how is it +that, when a soul is determined to love Thee--doing all it can, +by forsaking all things, in order that it may the better occupy +itself with the love of God--it is not Thy will it should have +the joy of ascending at once to the possession of perfect love? +I have spoken amiss; I ought to have said, and my complaint +should have been, why is it we do not? for the fault is wholly +our own that we do not rejoice at once in a dignity so great, +seeing that the attaining to the perfect possession of this true +love brings all blessings with it. + +2. We think so much of ourselves, and are so dilatory in giving +ourselves wholly to God, that, as His Majesty will not let us +have the fruition of that which is so precious but at a great +cost, so neither do we perfectly prepare ourselves for it. I see +plainly that there is nothing by which so great a good can be +procured in this world. If, however, we did what we could, not +clinging to anything upon earth, but having all our thoughts and +conversation in Heaven, I believe that this blessing would +quickly be given us, provided we perfectly prepared ourselves for +it at once, as some of the saints have done. We think we are +giving all to God; but, in fact, we are offering only the revenue +or the produce, while we retain the fee-simple of the land in our +own possession. + +3. We resolve to become poor, and it is a resolution of great +merit; but we very often take great care not to be in want, not +simply of what is necessary, but of what is superfluous: yea, and +to make for ourselves friends who may supply us; and in this way +we take more pains, and perhaps expose ourselves to greater +danger, in order that we may want nothing, than we did formerly, +when we had our own possessions in our own power. + +4. We thought, also, that we gave up all desire of honour when we +became religious, or when we began the spiritual life, and +followed after perfection; and yet, when we are touched on the +point of honour, we do not then remember that we had given it up +to God. We would seize it again, and take it, as they say, out +of His Hands, even after we had made Him, to all appearance, the +Lord of our own will. So is it in every thing else. + +5. A pleasant way this of seeking the love of God! we retain our +own affections, and yet will have that love, as they say, by +handfuls. We make no efforts to bring our desires to good +effect, or to raise them resolutely above the earth; and yet, +with all this, we must have many spiritual consolations. This is +not well, and we are seeking things that are incompatible one +with the other. So, because we do not give ourselves up wholly +and at once, this treasure is not given wholly and at once to us. +May it be the good pleasure of our Lord to give it us drop by +drop, though it may cost us all the trials in the world. + +6. He showeth great mercy unto him to whom He gives the grace and +resolution to strive for this blessing with all his might; for +God withholds Himself from no one who perseveres. He will by +little and little strengthen that soul, so that it may come forth +victorious. I say resolution, because of the multitude of those +things which Satan puts before it at first, to keep it back from +beginning to travel on this road; for he knoweth what harm will +befall him thereby--he will lose not only that soul, but many +others also. If he who enters on this road does violence to +himself, with the help of God, so as to reach the summit of +perfection, such a one, I believe, will never go alone to Heaven; +he will always take many with him: God gives to him, as to a good +captain, those who shall be of his company. + +7. Thus, then, the dangers and difficulties which Satan puts +before them are so many, that they have need, not of a little, +but of a very great, resolution, and great grace from God, to +save them from falling away. + +8. Speaking, then, of their beginnings who are determined to +follow after this good, and to succeed in their enterprise--what +I began to say [1] of mystical theology--I believe they call it +by that name--I shall proceed with hereafter--I have to say that +the labour is greatest at first; for it is they who toil, our +Lord, indeed, giving them strength. In the other degrees of +prayer, there is more of fruition; although they who are in the +beginning, the middle, and the end, have their crosses to carry: +the crosses, however, are different. They who would follow +Christ, if they do not wish to be lost, must walk in the way He +walked Himself. Blessed labours! even here, in this life, so +superabundantly rewarded! + +9. I shall have to make use of a comparison; I should like to +avoid it, because I am a woman, and write simply what I have been +commanded. But this language of spirituality is so difficult of +utterance for those who are not learned, and such am I. I have +therefore to seek for some means to make the matter plain. +It may be that the comparison will very rarely be to the +purpose--your reverence will be amused when you see my stupidity. +I think, now, I have either read or heard of this comparison; but +as my memory is bad, I know not where, nor on what occasion; +however, I am satisfied with it for my present purpose. [2] + +10. A beginner must look upon himself as making a garden, wherein +our Lord may take His delight, but in a soil unfruitful, and +abounding in weeds. His Majesty roots up the weeds, and has to +plant good herbs. Let us, then, take for granted that this is +already done when a soul is determined to give itself to prayer, +and has begun the practice of it. We have, then, as good +gardeners, by the help of God, to see that the plants grow, to +water them carefully, that they may not die, but produce +blossoms, which shall send forth much fragrance, refreshing to +our Lord, so that He may come often for His pleasure into this +garden, and delight Himself in the midst of these virtues. + +11. Let us now see how this garden is to be watered, that we may +understand what we have to do: how much trouble it will cost us, +whether the gain be greater than the trouble, or how long a time +it will take us. It seems to me that the garden may be watered +in four ways: by water taken out of a well, which is very +laborious; or with water raised by means of an engine and +buckets, drawn by a windlass--I have drawn it this way +sometimes--it is a less troublesome way than the first, and gives +more water; or by a stream or brook, whereby the garden is +watered in a much better way--for the soil is more thoroughly +saturated, and there is no necessity to water it so often, and +the labour of the gardener is much less; or by showers of rain, +when our Lord Himself waters it, without labour on our part--and +this way is incomparably better than all the others of which I +have spoken. + +12. Now, then, for the application of these four ways of +irrigation by which the garden is to be maintained; for without +water it must fail. The comparison is to my purpose, and it +seems to me that by the help of it I shall be able to explain, in +some measure, the four degrees of prayer to which our Lord, of +His goodness, has occasionally raised my soul. May He graciously +grant that I may so speak as to be of some service to one of +those who has commanded me to write, whom our Lord has raised in +four months to a greater height than I have reached in seventeen +years! He prepared himself better than I did, and therefore is +his garden without labour on his part, irrigated by these four +waters--though the last of them is only drop by drop; but it is +growing in such a way, that soon, by the help of our Lord, he +will be swallowed up therein, and it will be a pleasure to me, if +he finds my explanation absurd, that he should laugh at it. + +13. Of those who are beginners in prayer, we may say, that they +are those who draw the water up out of the well--a process which, +as I have said, is very laborious; for they must be wearied in +keeping the senses recollected, and this is a great labour, +because the senses have been hitherto accustomed to distractions. +It is necessary for beginners to accustom themselves to disregard +what they hear or see, and to put it away from them during the +time of prayer; they must be alone, and in retirement think over +their past life. Though all must do this many times, beginners +as well as those more advanced; all, however, must not do so +equally, as I shall show hereafter. [3] Beginners at first suffer +much, because they are not convinced that they are penitent for +their sins; and yet they are, because they are so sincerely +resolved on serving God. They must strive to meditate on the +life of Christ, and the understanding is wearied thereby. +Thus far we can advance of ourselves--that is, by the grace of +God--for without that, as every one knows, we never can have one +good thought. + +14. This is beginning to draw water up out of the well. +God grant there may be water in it! That, however, does not +depend on us; we are drawing it, and doing what we can towards +watering the flowers. So good is God, that when, for reasons +known to His Majesty--perhaps for our greater good--it is His +will the well should be dry, He Himself preserves the flowers +without water--we, like good gardeners, doing what lies in our +power--and makes our virtues grow. By water here I mean tears, +and if there be none, then tenderness and an inward feeling +of devotion. + +15. What, then, will he do here who sees that, for many days, he +is conscious only of aridity, disgust, dislike, and so great an +unwillingness to go to the well for water, that he would give it +up altogether, if he did not remember that he has to please and +serve the Lord of the garden; if he did not trust that his +service was not in vain, and did not hope for some gain by a +labour so great as that of lowering the bucket into the well so +often, and drawing it up without water in it? It will happen +that he is often unable to move his arms for that purpose, or to +have one good thought: working with the understanding is drawing +water out of the well. + +16. What, then, once more, will the gardener do now? He must +rejoice and take comfort, and consider it as the greatest favour +to labour in the garden of so great an Emperor; and as he knows +that he is pleasing Him in the matter--and his purpose must not +be to please himself, but Him--let him praise Him greatly for the +trust He has in him--for He sees that, without any recompense, he +is taking so much care of that which has been confided to him; +let him help Him to carry the Cross, and let him think how He +carried it all His life long; let him not seek his kingdom here, +nor ever intermit his prayer; and so let him resolve, if this +aridity should last even his whole life long, never to let Christ +fall down beneath the Cross. [4] + +17. The time will come when he shall be paid once for all. +Let him have no fear that his labour is in vain: he serves a good +Master, Whose eyes are upon him. Let him make no account of evil +thoughts, but remember that Satan suggested them to St. Jerome +also in the desert. [5] These labours have their reward, I know +it; for I am one who underwent them for many years. When I drew +but one drop of water out of this blessed well, I considered it +was a mercy of God. I know these labours are very great, and +require, I think, greater courage than many others in this world; +but I have seen clearly that God does not leave them without a +great recompense, even in this life; for it is very certain that +in one hour, during which our Lord gave me to taste His +sweetness, all the anxieties which I had to bear when persevering +in prayer seem to me ever afterwards perfectly rewarded. + +18. I believe that it is our Lord's good pleasure frequently in +the beginning, and at times in the end, to send these torments, +and many other incidental temptations, to try those who love Him, +and to ascertain if they will drink the chalice, [6] and help Him +to carry the Cross, before He intrusts them with His great +treasures. I believe it to be for our good that His Majesty +should lead us by this way, so that we may perfectly understand +how worthless we are; for the graces which He gives afterwards +are of a dignity so great, that He will have us by experience +know our wretchedness before He grants them, that it may not be +with us as it was with Lucifer. + +19. What canst Thou do, O my Lord, that is not for the greater +good of that soul which Thou knowest to be already Thine, and +which gives itself up to Thee to follow Thee whithersoever Thou +goest, even to the death of the Cross; and which is determined to +help Thee to carry that Cross, and not to leave Thee alone with +it? He who shall discern this resolution in himself has nothing +to fear: no, no; spiritual people have nothing to fear. There is +no reason why he should be distressed who is already raised to so +high a degree as this is of wishing to converse in solitude with +God, and to abandon the amusements of the world. The greater +part of the work is done; give praise to His Majesty for it, and +trust in His goodness who has never failed those who love Him. +Close the eyes of your imagination, and do not ask why He gives +devotion to this person in so short a time, and none to me after +so many years. Let us believe that all is for our greater good; +let His Majesty guide us whithersoever He will: we are not our +own, but His. He shows us mercy enough when it is His pleasure +we should be willing to dig in His garden, and to be so near the +Lord of it: He certainly is near to us. If it be His will that +these plants and flowers should grow--some of them when He gives +water we may draw from the well, others when He gives none--what +is that to me? Do Thou, O Lord, accomplish Thy will; let me +never offend Thee, nor let my virtues perish; if Thou hast given +me any, it is out of Thy mere goodness. I wish to suffer, +because Thou, O Lord, hast suffered; do Thou in every way fulfil +Thy will in me, and may it never be the pleasure of Thy Majesty +that a gift of so high a price as that of Thy love, be given to +people who serve Thee only because of the sweetness they +find thereby. + +20. It is much to be observed, and I say so because I know by +experience, that the soul which, begins to walk in the way of +mental prayer with resolution, and is determined not to care +much, neither to rejoice nor to be greatly afflicted, whether +sweetness and tenderness fail it, or our Lord grants them, has +already travelled a great part of the road. Let that soul, then, +have no fear that it is going back, though it may frequently +stumble; for the building is begun on a firm foundation. It is +certain that the love of God does not consist in tears, nor in +this sweetness and tenderness which we for the most part desire, +and with which we console ourselves; but rather in serving Him in +justice, fortitude, and humility. That seems to me to be a +receiving rather than a giving of anything on our part. + +21. As for poor women, such as I am, weak and infirm of purpose, +it seems to me to be necessary that I should be led on through +consolations, as God is doing now, so that I might be able to +endure certain afflictions which it has pleased His Majesty I +should have. But when the servants of God, who are men of +weight, learning, and sense, make so much account, as I see they +do, whether God gives them sweetness in devotion or not, I am +disgusted when I listen to them. I do not say that they ought +not to accept it, and make much of it, when God gives +it--because, when He gives it, His Majesty sees it to be +necessary for them--but I do say that they ought not to grow +weary when they have it not. They should then understand that +they have no need of it, and be masters of themselves, when His +Majesty does not give it. Let them be convinced of this, there +is a fault here; I have had experience of it, and know it to be +so. Let them believe it as an imperfection: they are not +advancing in liberty of spirit, but shrinking like cowards from +the assault. + +22. It is not so much to beginners that I say this--though I do +insist upon it, because it is of great importance to them that +they should begin with this liberty and resolution--as to others, +of whom there are many, who make a beginning, but never come to +the end; and that is owing, I believe, in great measure, to their +not having embraced the Cross from the first. They are +distressed, thinking they are doing nothing; the understanding +ceases from its acts, and they cannot bear it. Yet, perhaps, at +that very time, the will is feeding and gathering strength, and +they know it not. + +23. We must suppose that our Lord does not regard these things; +for though they seem to us to be faults, yet they are not. +His Majesty knoweth our misery and natural vileness better than +we do ourselves. He knoweth that these souls long to be always +thinking of Him and loving Him. It is this resolution that He +seeks in us; the other anxieties which we inflict upon ourselves +serve to no other end but to disquiet the soul--which, if it be +unable to derive any profit in one hour, will by them be disabled +for four. This comes most frequently from bodily +indisposition--I have had very great experience in the matter, +and I know it is true; for I have carefully observed it and +discussed it afterwards with spiritual persons--for we are so +wretched, that this poor prisoner of a soul shares in the +miseries of the body. The changes of the seasons, and the +alterations of the humours, very often compel it, without fault +of its own, not to do what it would, but rather to suffer in +every way. Meanwhile, the more we force the soul on these +occasions, the greater the mischief, and the longer it lasts. +Some discretion must be used, in order to ascertain whether +ill-health be the occasion or not. The poor soul must not be +stifled. Let those who thus suffer understand that they are ill; +a change should be made in the hour of prayer, and oftentimes +that change should be continued for some days. Let souls pass out +of this desert as they can, for it is very often the misery of +one that loves God to see itself living in such wretchedness, +unable to do what it would, because it has to keep so evil a +guest as the body. + +24. I spoke of discretion, because sometimes the devil will do +the same work; and so it is not always right to omit prayer when +the understanding is greatly distracted and disturbed, nor to +torment the soul to the doing of that which is out of its power. +There are other things then to be done--exterior works, as of +charity and spiritual reading--though at times the soul will not +be able to do them. Take care, then, of the body, for the love +of God, because at many other times the body must serve the soul; +and let recourse be had to some recreations--holy ones--such as +conversation, or going out into the fields, as the confessor +shall advise. Altogether, experience is a great matter, and it +makes us understand what is convenient for us. Let God be served +in all things--His yoke is sweet; [7] and it is of great +importance that the soul should not be dragged, as they say, but +carried gently, that it may make greater progress. + +25. So, then, I come back to what I advised before [8]--and +though I repeat it often, it matters not; it is of great +importance that no one should distress himself on account of +aridities, or because his thoughts are restless and distracted; +neither should he be afflicted thereat, if he would attain to +liberty of spirit, and not be always in trouble. Let him begin +by not being afraid of the Cross, and he will see how our Lord +will help him to carry it, how joyfully he will advance, and what +profit he will derive from it all. It is now clear, if there is +no water in the well, that we at least can put none into it. +It is true we must not be careless about drawing it when there is +any in it, because at that time it is the will of God to multiply +our virtues by means thereof. + +NOTES + +1. Ch. x. § 1. + +2. Vide St. Bernard, in Cantic. Serm. 30. n. 7, ed. Ben. + +3. Ch. xiii. § 23. + +4. See ch. xv. § 17. + +5. Epist. 22, ad Eustochium: "O quoties ego ipse in eremo +constitutus, et in illa vasta solitudine quæ exusta solis +ardoribus horridum monachis præstat habitaculum putabam me +Romanis interesse deliciis. Sedebam solus. . . Horrebant sacco +membra deformia. . . . Ille igitur ego, qui ob Gehennæ metum tali +me carcere damnaveram, scorpionum tantum socius et ferarum, sæpe +choris intereram puellarum, pallebant ora jejuniis, et mens +desideriis æstuabat in frigido corpore, et ante hominem sua jam +carne præmortuum sola libidinum incendia bulliebant." + +6. St. Matt. xx. 22: "Potestis bibere calicem?" + +7. St. Matt. xi. 30: "Jugum enim meum suave est." + +8. § 18. + + + +Chapter XII. + + +What We Can Ourselves Do. The Evil of Desiring to Attain to +Supernatural States Before Our Lord Calls Us. + + +1. My aim in the foregoing chapter--though I digressed to many +other matters, because they seemed to me very necessary--was to +explain how much we may attain to of ourselves; and how, in these +beginnings of devotion, we are able in some degree to help +ourselves: because thinking of, and pondering on, the sufferings +of our Lord for our sakes moves us to compassion, and the sorrow +and tears which result therefrom are sweet. The thought of the +blessedness we hope for, of the love our Lord bore us, and of His +resurrection, kindle within us a joy which is neither wholly +spiritual nor wholly sensual; but the joy is virtuous, and the +sorrow is most meritorious. + +2. Of this kind are all those things which produce a devotion +acquired in part by means of the understanding, though it can +neither be merited nor had, if God grants it not. It is best for +a soul which God has not raised to a higher state than this not +to try to rise of itself. Let this be well considered, because +all the soul will gain in that way will be a loss. In this state +it can make many acts of good resolutions to do much for God, and +enkindle its love; other acts also, which may help the growth of +virtues, according to that which is written in a book called The +Art of Serving God, [1] a most excellent work, and profitable for +those who are in this state, because the understanding is +active now. + +3. The soul may also place itself in the presence of Christ, and +accustom itself to many acts of love directed to His sacred +Humanity, and remain in His presence continually, and speak to +Him, pray to Him in its necessities, and complain to Him of its +troubles; be merry with Him in its joys, and yet not forget Him +because of its joys. All this it may do without set prayers, but +rather with words befitting its desires and its needs. + +4. This is an excellent way whereby to advance, and that very +quickly. He that will strive to have this precious +companionship, and will make much of it, and will sincerely love +our Lord, to whom we owe so much, is one, in my opinion, who has +made some progress. There is therefore no reason why we should +trouble ourselves because we have no sensible devotion, as I said +before. [2] But let us rather give thanks to our Lord, who +allows us to have a desire to please Him, though our works be +poor. This practice of the presence of Christ is profitable in +all states of prayer, and is a most safe way of advancing in the +first state, and of attaining quickly to the second; and as for +the last states, it secures us against those risks which the +devil may occasion. + +5. This, then, is what we can do. He who would pass out of this +state, and upraise his spirit, in order to taste consolations +denied him, will, in my opinion, lose both the one and the +other. [3] These consolations being supernatural, and the +understanding inactive, the soul is then left desolate and in +great aridity. As the foundation of the whole building is +humility, the nearer we draw unto God the more this virtue should +grow; if it does not, everything is lost. It seems to be a kind +of pride when we seek to ascend higher, seeing that God descends +so low, when He allows us, being what we are, to draw near +unto Him. + +6. It must not be supposed that I am now speaking of raising our +thoughts to the consideration of the high things of heaven and of +its glory, or unto God and His great wisdom. I never did this +myself, because I had not the capacity for it--as I said +before; [4] and I was so worthless, that, as to thinking even of +the things of earth, God gave me grace to understand this truth: +that in me it was no slight boldness to do so. How much more, +then, the thinking of heavenly things? Others, however, will +profit in that way, particularly those who are learned; for +learning, in my opinion, is a great treasury in the matter of +this exercise, if it be accompanied with humility. I observed +this a few days ago in some learned men who had shortly before +made a beginning, and had made great progress. This is the +reason why I am so very anxious that many learned men may become +spiritual. I shall speak of this by and by. [5] + +7. What I am saying--namely, let them not rise if God does not +raise them--is the language of spirituality. He will understand +me who has had any experience; and I know not how to explain it, +if what I have said does not make it plain. + +8. In mystical theology--of which I spoke before [6]--the +understanding ceases from its acts, because God suspends it--as I +shall explain by and by, if I can; [7] and God give me the grace +to do so. We must neither imagine nor think that we can of +ourselves bring about this suspension. That is what I say must +not be done; nor must we allow the understanding to cease from +its acts; for in that case we shall be stupid and cold, and the +result will be neither the one nor the other. For when our Lord +suspends the understanding, and makes it cease from its acts, He +puts before it that which astonishes and occupies it: so that +without making any reflections, it shall comprehend in a +moment [8] more than we could comprehend in many years with all +the efforts in the world. + +9. To have the powers of the mind occupied, and to think that you +can keep them at the same time quiet, is folly. I repeat it, +though it be not so understood, there is no great humility in +this; and, if it be blameless, it is not left unpunished--it is +labour thrown away, and the soul is a little disgusted: it feels +like a man about to take a leap, and is held back. Such a one +seems to have used up his strength already, and finds himself +unable to do that which he wished to have done: so here, in the +scanty gain that remains, he who will consider the matter will +trace that slight want of humility of which I have spoken; [9] +for that virtue has this excellence: there is no good work +attended by humility that leaves the soul disgusted. It seems to +me that I have made this clear enough; yet, after all, perhaps +only for myself. May our Lord open their eyes who read this, by +giving them experience; and then however slight that experience +may be, they will immediately understand it. + +10. For many years I read much, and understood nothing; and for a +long time, too, though God gave me understanding herein, I never +could utter a word by which I might explain it to others. +This was no little trouble to me. When His Majesty pleases, He +teaches everything in a moment, so that I am lost in wonder. +One thing I can truly say: though I conversed with many spiritual +persons, who sought to make me understand what our Lord was +giving me, in order that I might be able to speak of it, the fact +is, that my dulness was so great, that I derived no advantage +whatever, much or little, from their teaching. + +11. Or it may be, as His Majesty has always been my Master--may +He be blessed for ever! for I am ashamed of myself that I can say +so with truth--that it was His good pleasure I should meet with +no one to whom I should be indebted in this matter. So, without +my wishing or asking it--I never was careful about this, for that +would have been a virtue in me, but only about vanity--God gave +me to understand with all distinctness in a moment, and also +enabled me to express myself, so that my confessors were +astonished but I more than they, because I knew my own dulness +better. It is not long since this happened. And so that which +our Lord has not taught me, I seek not to know it, unless it be a +matter that touches my conscience. + +12. Again I repeat my advice: it is of great moment not to raise +our spirit ourselves, if our Lord does not raise it for us; and +if He does, there can be no mistaking it. For women, it is +specially wrong, because the devil can delude them--though I am +certain our Lord will never allow him to hurt any one who labours +to draw near unto God in humility. On the contrary, such a one +will derive more profit and advantage out of that attack by which +Satan intended to hurt him. + +13. I have dwelt so long upon this matter because this way of +prayer is the most common with beginners, and because the advice +I have given is very important. It will be found much better +given elsewhere: that I admit; and I admit, also, that in writing +it I am ashamed of myself, and covered with confusion--though not +so much so as I ought to be. Blessed for ever be our Lord, of +whose will and pleasure it is that I am allowed, being what I am, +to speak of things which are His, of such a nature, and so deep. + + +1. Arte de servir a Dios, by Rodrigue de Solis, friar of the +Augustinian Order (Bouix). Arte para servir a Dios, by +Fra. Alonso de Madrid (De la Fuente). + +2. Ch. xi. §§ 20, 25. + +3. That is, he will lose the prayer of acquired quiet, because he +voluntarily abandons it before the time; and will not attain to +the prayer of infused quiet, because he attempts to rise into it +before he is called (Francis. de Sancto Thoma, Medulla Mystica, +tr. iv. ch. xi. n. 69). + +4. Ch. iv. § 10. + +5. Ch. xxxiv. § 9. + +6. Ch. x. § 1. + +7. Ch. xvi. § 4. + +8. "En un credo." + +9. § 5. + + + +Chapter XIII. + + +Of Certain Temptations of Satan. Instructions Relating Thereto. + + +1. I have thought it right to speak of certain temptations I have +observed to which beginners are liable--some of them I have had +myself--and to give some advice about certain things which to me +seem necessary. In the beginning, then, we should strive to be +cheerful and unconstrained; for there are people who think it is +all over with devotion if they relax themselves ever so little. +It is right to be afraid of self; so that, having no confidence +in ourselves, much or little, we may not place ourselves in those +circumstances wherein men usually sin against God; for it is a +most necessary fear, till we become very perfect in virtue. +And there are not many who are so perfect as to be able to relax +themselves on those occasions which offer temptations to their +natural temper; for always while we live, were it only to +preserve humility, it is well we should know our own miserable +nature; but there are many occasions on which it is permitted +us--as I said just now [1]--to take some recreation, in order +that we may with more vigour resume our prayer. + +2. Discretion is necessary throughout. We must have great +confidence; because it is very necessary for us not to contract +our desires, but put our trust in God; for, if we do violence to +ourselves by little and little, we shall, though not at once, +reach that height which many Saints by His grace have reached. +If they had never resolved to desire, and had never by little and +little acted upon that resolve, they never could have ascended to +so high a state. + +3. His Majesty seeks and loves courageous souls; but they must be +humble in their ways, and have no confidence in themselves. +I never saw one of those lag behind on the road; and never a +cowardly soul, though aided by humility, make that progress in +many years which the former makes in a few. I am astonished at +the great things done on this road by encouraging oneself to +undertake great things, though we may not have the strength for +them at once; the soul takes a flight upwards and ascends high, +though, like a little bird whose wings are weak, it grows weary +and rests. + +4. At one time I used often to think of those words of St. Paul: +"That all things are possible in God." [2] I saw clearly that of +myself I could do nothing. This was of great service to me. +So also was the saying of St. Augustine: "Give me, O Lord, what +Thou commandest, and command what Thou wilt." [3] I was often +thinking how St. Peter lost nothing by throwing himself into the +sea, though he was afterwards afraid. [4] These first +resolutions are a great matter--although it is necessary in the +beginning that we should be very reserved, controlled by the +discretion and authority of a director; but we must take care +that he be one who does not teach us to crawl like toads, nor one +who may be satisfied when the soul shows itself fit only to catch +lizards. Humility must always go before: so that we may know +that this strength can come out of no strength of our own. + +5. But it is necessary we should understand what manner of +humility this should be, because Satan, I believe, does great +harm; for he hinders those who begin to pray from going onwards, +by suggesting to them false notions of humility. He makes them +think it is pride to have large desires, to wish to imitate the +Saints, and to long for martyrdom. He tells us forthwith, or he +makes us think, that the actions of the Saints are to be admired, +not to be imitated, by us who are sinners. I, too, say the same +thing; but we must see what those actions are which we are to +admire, and what those are which we are to imitate; for it would +be wrong in a person who is weak and sickly to undertake much +fasting and sharp penances to retire into the desert, where he +could not sleep, nor find anything to eat; or, indeed, to +undertake any austerities of this kind. + +6. But we ought to think that we can force ourselves, by the +grace of God, to hold the world in profound contempt--to make +light of honour, and be detached from our possessions. +Our hearts, however, are so mean that we think the earth would +fail us under our feet, if we were to cease to care even for a +moment for the body, and give ourselves up to spirituality. +Then we think that to have all we require contributes to +recollection, because anxieties disturb prayer. It is painful to +me that our confidence in God is so scanty, and our self-love so +strong, as that any anxiety about our own necessities should +disturb us. But so it is; for when our spiritual progress is so +slight, a mere nothing will give us as much trouble as great and +important matters will give to others. And we think +ourselves spiritual! + +7. Now, to me, this way of going on seems to betray a disposition +to reconcile soul and body together, in order that we may not +miss our ease in this world, and yet have the fruition of God in +the next; and so it will be if we walk according to justice, +clinging to virtue; but it is the pace of a hen--it will never +bring us to liberty of spirit. It is a course of proceeding, as +it seems to me, most excellent for those who are in the married +state, and who must live according to their vocation; but for the +other state, I by no means wish for such a method of progress, +neither can I be made to believe it to be sound; for I have tried +it, and I should have remained in that way, if our Lord in His +goodness had not taught me another and a shorter road. + +8. Though, in the matter of desires, I always had generous ones; +but I laboured, as I said before, [5] to make my prayer, and, at +the same time, to live at my ease. If there had been any one to +rouse me to a higher flight, he might have brought me, so I +think, to a state in which these desires might have had their +effects; but, for our sins, so few and so rare are they whose +discretion in that matter is not excessive. That, I believe, is +reason enough why those who begin do not attain more quickly to +great perfection; for our Lord never fails us, and it is not His +fault; the fault and the wretchedness of this being all our own. + +9. We may also imitate the Saints by striving after solitude and +silence, and many other virtues that will not kill these wretched +bodies of ours, which insist on being treated so orderly, that +they may disorder the soul; and Satan, too, helps much to make +them unmanageable. When he sees us a little anxious about them, +he wants nothing more to convince us that our way of life must +kill us, and destroy our health; even if we weep, he makes us +afraid of blindness. I have passed through this, and therefore I +know it; but I know of no better sight or better health that we +can desire, than the loss of both in such a cause. Being myself +so sickly, I was always under constraint, and good for nothing, +till I resolved to make no account of my body nor of my health; +even now I am worthless enough. + +10. But when it pleased God to let me find out this device of +Satan, I used to say to the latter, when he suggested to me that +I was ruining my health, that my death was of no consequence; +when he suggested rest, I replied that I did not want rest, but +the Cross. His other suggestions I treated in the same way. +I saw clearly that in most things, though I was really very +sickly, it was either a temptation of Satan, or a weakness on my +part. My health has been much better since I have ceased to look +after my ease and comforts. It is of great importance not to let +our own thoughts frighten us in the beginning, when we set +ourselves to pray. Believe me in this, for I know it by +experience. As a warning to others, it may be that this story of +my failures may be useful. + +11. There is another temptation, which is very common: when +people begin to have pleasure in the rest and the fruit of +prayer, they will have everybody else be very spiritual also. +Now, to desire this is not wrong, but to try to bring it about +may not be right, except with great discretion and with much +reserve, without any appearance of teaching. He who would do any +good in this matter ought to be endowed with solid virtues, that +he may not put temptation in the way of others. It happened to +me--that is how I know it--when, as I said before, [6] I made +others apply themselves to prayer, to be a source of temptation +and disorder; for, on the one hand, they heard me say great +things of the blessedness of prayer, and, on the other, saw how +poor I was in virtue, notwithstanding my prayer. They had good +reasons on their side, and afterwards they told me of it; for +they knew not how these things could be compatible one with the +other. This it was that made them not to regard that as evil +which was really so in itself, namely, that they saw me do it +myself, now and then, during the time that they thought well of +me in some measure. + +12. This is Satan's work: he seems to take advantage of the +virtues we may have, for the purpose of giving a sanction, so far +as he can, to the evil he aims at; how slight soever that evil +may be, his gain must be great, if it prevail in a religious +house. How much, then, must his gain have been, when the evil I +did was so very great! And thus, during many years, only three +persons were the better for what I said to them; but now that our +Lord has made me stronger in virtue, in the course of two or +three years many persons have profited, as I shall +show hereafter. [7] + +13. There is another great inconvenience in addition to this: the +loss to our own soul; for the utmost we have to do in the +beginning is to take care of our own soul only, and consider that +in the whole world there is only God and our soul. This is a +point of great importance. + +14. There is another temptation--we ought to be aware of it, and +be cautious in our conduct: persons are carried away by a zeal +for virtue, through the pain which the sight of the sins and +failings of others occasions them. Satan tells them that this +pain arises only out of their desire that God may not be +offended, and out of their anxiety about His honour; so they +immediately seek to remedy the evil. This so disturbs them, that +they cannot pray. The greatest evil of all is their thinking +this an act of virtue, of perfection, and of a great zeal for +God. I am not speaking of the pain which public sins occasion, +if they be habitual in any community, nor of wrongs done to the +Church, nor of heresies by which so many souls are visibly lost; +for this pain is most wholesome, and being wholesome is no source +of disquiet. The security, therefore, of that soul which would +apply itself to prayer lies in casting away from itself all +anxiety about persons and things, in taking care of itself, and +in pleasing God. This is the most profitable course. + +15. If I were to speak of the mistakes which I have seen people +make, in reliance on their own good intentions, I should never +come to an end. Let us labour, therefore, always to consider the +virtues and the good qualities which we discern in others, and +with our own great sins cover our eyes, so that we may see none +of their failings. This is one way of doing our work; and though +we may not be perfect in it at once, we shall acquire one great +virtue--we shall look upon all men as better than ourselves; and +we begin to acquire that virtue in this way, by the grace of God, +which is necessary in all things--for when we have it not, all +our endeavours are in vain--and by imploring Him to give us this +virtue; for He never fails us, if we do what we can. + +16. This advice, also, they must take into their consideration +who make much use of their understanding, eliciting from one +subject many thoughts and conceptions. As to those who, like +myself, cannot do it, I have no advice to give, except that they +are to have patience, until our Lord shall send them both matter +and light; for they can do so little of themselves, that their +understanding is a hindrance to them rather than a help. + +17. To those, then, who can make use of their understanding, I +say that they are not to spend the whole time in that way; for +though it be most meritorious, yet they must not, when prayer is +sweet, suppose that there never will be a Sunday or a time when +no work ought to be done. They think it lost time to do +otherwise; but I think that loss their greatest gain. Let them +rather, as I have said, [8] place themselves in the presence of +Christ, and, without fatiguing the understanding, converse with +Him, and in Him rejoice, without wearying themselves in searching +out reasons; but let them rather lay their necessities before +Him, and the just reasons there are why He should not suffer us +in His presence: at one time this, at another time that, lest the +soul should be wearied by always eating of the same food. These +meats are most savoury and wholesome, if the palate be accustomed +to them; they will furnish a great support for the life of the +soul, and they have many other advantages also. + +18. I will explain myself further; for the doctrine of prayer is +difficult, and, without a director, very hard to understand. +Though I would willingly be concise, and though a mere hint is +enough for his clear intellect who has commanded me to write on +the subject of prayer, yet so it is, my dulness does not allow me +to say or explain in a few words that which it is so important to +explain well. I, who have gone through so much, am sorry for +those who begin only with books; for there is a strange +difference between that which we learn by reading, and that which +we learn by experience. + +19. Going back, then, to what I was saying. We set ourselves to +meditate upon some mystery of the Passion: let us say, our Lord +at the pillar. The understanding goeth about seeking for the +sources out of which came the great dolours and the bitter +anguish which His Majesty endured in that desolation. +It considers that mystery in many lights, which the intellect, if +it be skilled in its work, or furnished with learning, may there +obtain. This is a method of prayer which should be to everyone +the beginning, the middle, and the end: a most excellent and safe +way, until our Lord shall guide them to other supernatural ways. + +20. I say to all, because there are many souls who make greater +progress by meditation on other subjects than on the Sacred +Passion; for as there are many mansions in heaven, so there are +also many roads leading thither. Some persons advance by +considering themselves in hell, others in heaven--and these are +distressed by meditations on hell. Others meditate on death; +some persons, if tender-hearted, are greatly fatigued by +continual meditations on the Passion; but are consoled and make +progress when they meditate on the power and greatness of God in +His creatures, and on His love visible in all things. This is an +admirable method--not omitting, however, from time to time, the +Passion and Life of Christ, the Source of all good that ever +came, and that ever shall come. + +21. He who begins is in need of instruction, whereby he may +ascertain what profits him most. For this end it is very +necessary he should have a director, who ought to be a person of +experience; for if he be not, he will make many mistakes, and +direct a soul without understanding its ways, or suffering it to +understand them itself; for such a soul, knowing that obedience +to a director is highly meritorious, dares not transgress the +commandments it receives. I have met with souls cramped and +tormented, because he who directed them had no experience: that +made me sorry for them. Some of them knew not what to do with +themselves; for directors who do not understand the spirit of +their penitents afflict them soul and body, and hinder +their progress. [9] + +22. One person I had to do with had been kept by her director for +eight years, as it were, in prison; he would not allow her to +quit the subject of self-knowledge; and yet our Lord had already +raised her to the prayer of quiet; so she had much to suffer. + +23. Although this matter of self-knowledge must never be put +aside--for there is no soul so great a giant on this road but has +frequent need to turn back, and be again an infant at the breast; +and this must never be forgotten. I shall repeat it, [10] +perhaps, many times, because of its great importance--for among +all the states of prayer, however high they may be, there is not +one in which it is not often necessary to go back to the +beginning. The knowledge of our sins, and of our own selves, is +the bread which we have to eat with all the meats, however +delicate they may be, in the way of prayer; without this bread, +life cannot be sustained, though it must be taken by measure. +When a soul beholds itself resigned, and clearly understands that +there is no goodness in it--when it feels itself abashed in the +presence of so great a King, and sees how little it pays of the +great debt it owes Him--why should it be necessary for it to +waste its time on this subject? Why should it not rather proceed +to other matters which our Lord places before it, and for +neglecting which there is no reason? His Majesty surely knows +better than we do what kind of food is proper for us. + +24. So, then, it is of great consequence that the director should +be prudent--I mean, of sound understanding--and a man of +experience. If, in addition to this, he is a learned man, it is +a very great matter. But if these three qualities cannot be had +together, the first two are the most important, because learned +men may be found with whom we can communicate when it is +necessary. I mean, that for beginners learned men are of little +use, if they are not men of prayer. I do not say that they are +to have nothing to do with learned men, because a spirituality, +the foundations of which are not resting on the truth, I would +rather were not accompanied with prayer. Learning is a great +thing, for it teaches us who know so little, and enlightens us; +so when we have come to the knowledge of the truths contained in +the holy writings, we do what we ought to do. From silly +devotions, God deliver us! + +25. I will explain myself further, for I am meddling, I believe, +with too many matters. It has always been my failing that I +could never make myself understood--as I said before [11]--but at +the cost of many words. A nun begins to practise prayer; if her +director be silly, and if he should take it into his head, he +will make her feel that it is better for her to obey him than her +own superior. He will do all this without any evil purpose, +thinking that he is doing right. For if he be not a religious +himself, he will think this right enough. If his penitent be a +married woman, he will tell her that it is better for her to give +herself unto prayer, when she ought to attend to her house, +although she may thereby displease her husband. And so it is, he +knows not how to make arrangements for time and business, so that +everything may be done as it ought to be done; he has no light +himself, and can therefore give none to others, however much he +may wish to do so. + +26. Though learning does not seem necessary for discretion, my +opinion has always been, and will be, that every Christian should +continue to be guided by a learned director if he can, and the +more learned the better. They who walk in the way of prayer have +the greater need of learning; and the more spiritual they are the +greater is that need. Let them not say that learned men not +given to prayer are not fit counsellors for those who pray: that +is a delusion. I have conversed with many; and now for some +years I have sought them the more, because of my greater need of +them. I have always been fond of them; for though some of them +have no experience, they do not dislike spirituality, neither are +they ignorant of what it is, because in the sacred writings with +which they are familiar they always find the truth about +spirituality. I am certain myself that a person given to prayer, +who treats of these matters with learned men, unless he is +deceived with his own consent, will never be carried away by any +illusions of the devil. I believe that the evil spirits are +exceedingly afraid of learned men who are humble and virtuous, +knowing that they will be found out and defeated by them. + +27. I have said this because there are opinions held to the +effect that learned men, if they are not spiritual, are not +suited for persons given to prayer. I have just said that a +spiritual director is necessary; but if he be not a learned man, +he is a great hindrance. It will help us much if we consult +those who are learned, provided they be virtuous; even if they be +not spiritual, they will be of service to me, and God will enable +them to understand what they should teach; He will even make them +spiritual, in order that they may help us on. I do not say this +without having had experience of it; and I have met with more +than two. + +28. I say, then, that a person who shall resign his soul to be +wholly subject to one director will make a great mistake, if he +is in religion, unless he finds a director of this kind, because +of the obedience due to his own superior. His director may be +deficient in the three requisites I speak of, [12] and that will +be no slight cross, without voluntarily subjecting the +understanding to one whose understanding is none of the best. +At least, I have never been able to bring myself to do it, +neither does it seem to me to be right. + +29. But if he be a person living in the world, let him praise God +for the power he has of choosing whom he will obey, and let him +not lose so excellent a liberty; yea, rather let him be without a +director till he finds him--for our Lord will give him one, if he +is really humble, and has a desire to meet with the right person. +I praise God greatly--we women, and those who are unlearned, +ought always to render Him unceasing thanks--because there are +persons who, by labours so great, have attained to the truth, of +which we unlearned people are ignorant. I often wonder at learned +men--particularly those who are in religion--when I think of the +trouble they have had in acquiring that which they communicate to +me for my good, and that without any more trouble to me than the +asking for it. And yet there are people who will not take +advantage of their learning: God grant it may not be so! + +30. I see them undergo the poverty of the religious life, which +is great, together with its penances, its meagre food, the yoke +of obedience, which makes me ashamed of myself at times; and with +all this, interrupted sleep, trials everywhere, everywhere the +Cross. I think it would be a great evil for any one to lose so +great a good by his own fault. It may be some of us, who are +exempted from these burdens--who have our food put into our +mouths, as they say, and live at our ease--may think, because we +give ourselves a little more to prayer, that we are raised above +the necessity of such great hardships. Blessed be Thou, O Lord, +who hast made me so incapable and so useless; but I bless Thee +still more for this--that Thou quickenest so many to quicken us. +Our prayer must therefore be very earnest for those who give us +light. What should we be without them in the midst of these +violent storms which now disturb the Church? If some have +fallen, the good will shine more and more. [13] May it please +our Lord to hold them in His hand, and help them, that they may +help us. + +31. I have gone far away from the subject I began to speak of; +but all is to the purpose for those who are beginners, that they +may begin a journey which is so high in such a way as that they +shall go on by the right road. Coming back, then, to what I +spoke of before, [14] the meditation on Christ bound to the +pillar, it is well we should make reflections for a time, and +consider the sufferings He there endured, for whom He endured +them, who He is who endured them, and the love with which He bore +them. But a person should not always fatigue himself in making +these reflections, but rather let him remain there with Christ, +in the silence of the understanding. + +32. If he is able, let him employ himself in looking upon Christ, +who is looking upon him; let him accompany Him, and make his +petitions to Him; let him humble himself, and delight himself in +Christ, and keep in mind that he never deserved to be there. +When he shall be able to do this, though it may be in the +beginning of his prayer, he will find great advantage; and this +way of prayer brings great advantages with it--at least, so my +soul has found it. I do not know whether I am describing it +aright; you, my father, will see to it. May our Lord grant me to +please Him rightly for ever! Amen. + + +1. Ch. xi. § 24. + +2. Philipp. iv. 13; "Omnia possum in Eo." + +3. Confess. x. ch. 29: "Da quod jubes, et jube quod vis." + +4. St. Matt. xiv. 30: "Videns vero ventum validum, timuit." + +5. Ch. vii. §§ 27, 31. + +6. Ch. vii. § 16. + +7. See ch. xxxi. § 7, and ch. xxxix. § 14. + +8. Ch. xii. § 3. + +9. See St. John of the Cross, Living Flame, pp. 267, +278-284, Engl. trans. + +10. See ch. xv. § 20. + +11. § 18. + +12. Prudence, experience, and learning; see § 24. + +13. Dan. xii. 3: "Qui autem docti fuerint, fulgebunt quasi +splendor firmamenti." + +14. § 19. + + + +Chapter XIV. + + +The Second State of Prayer. Its Supernatural Character. + + +1. Having spoken of the toilsome efforts and of the strength +required for watering the garden when we have to draw the water +out of the well, let us now speak of the second manner of drawing +the water, which the Lord of the vineyard has ordained; of the +machine of wheel and buckets whereby the gardener may draw more +water with less labour, and be able to take some rest without +being continually at work. This, then, is what I am now going to +describe; and I apply it to the prayer called the prayer +of quiet. + +2. Herein the soul begins to be recollected; it is now touching +on the supernatural--for it never could by any efforts of its own +attain to this. True, it seems at times to have been wearied at +the wheel, labouring with the understanding, and filling the +buckets; but in this second degree the water is higher, and +accordingly the labour is much less than it was when the water +had to be drawn up out of the well; I mean, that the water is +nearer to it, for grace reveals itself more distinctly to +the soul. + +3. This is a gathering together of the faculties of the soul +within itself, in order that it may have the fruition of that +contentment in greater sweetness; but the faculties are not lost, +neither are they asleep: the will alone is occupied in such a way +that, without knowing how it has become a captive, it gives a +simple consent to become the prisoner of God; for it knows well +what is to be the captive of Him it loves. O my Jesus and my +Lord, how pressing now is Thy love! [1] It binds our love in +bonds so straitly, that it is not in its power at this moment to +love anything else but Thee. + +4. The other two faculties help the will, that it may render +itself capable of the fruition of so great a good; nevertheless, +it occasionally happens, even when the will is in union, that +they hinder it very much: but then it should never heed them at +all, simply abiding in its fruition and quiet. [2] For if it +tried to make them recollected, it would miss its way together +with them, because they are at this time like doves which are not +satisfied with the food the master of the dovecot gives them +without any labouring for it on their part, and which go forth in +quest of it elsewhere, and so hardly find it that they come back. +And so the memory and the understanding come and go, seeking +whether the will is going to give them that into the fruition of +which it has entered itself. + +5. If it be our Lord's pleasure to throw them any food, they +stop; if not, they go again to seek it. They must be thinking +that they are of some service to the will; and now and then the +memory or the imagination, seeking to represent to it that of +which it has the fruition, does it harm. The will, therefore, +should be careful to deal with them as I shall explain. +Everything that takes place now in this state brings the very +greatest consolation; and the labour is so slight, that prayer, +even if persevered in for some time, is never wearisome. +The reason is, that the understanding is now working very gently, +and is drawing very much more water than it drew out of the well. +The tears, which God now sends, flow with joy; though we feel +them, they are not the result of any efforts of our own. + +6. This water of grand blessings and graces, which our Lord now +supplies, makes the virtues thrive much more, beyond all +comparison, than they did in the previous state of prayer; for +the soul is already ascending out of its wretched state, and some +little knowledge of the blissfulness of glory is communicated to +it. This, I believe, is it that makes the virtues grow the more, +and also to draw nearer to essential virtue, God Himself, from +Whom all virtues proceed; for His Majesty has begun to +communicate Himself to this soul, and will have it feel how He is +communicating Himself. + +7. As soon as the soul has arrived thus far, it begins to lose +the desire of earthly things, [3] and no wonder; for it sees +clearly that, even for a moment, this joy is not to be had on +earth; that there are no riches, no dominion, no honours, no +delights, that can for one instant, even for the twinkling of an +eye, minister such a joy; for it is a true satisfaction, and the +soul sees that it really does satisfy. Now, we who are on earth, +as it seems to me, scarcely ever understand wherein our +satisfaction lies, for it is always liable to disappointment; but +in this, at that time, there is none: the disappointment cometh +afterwards, when the soul sees that all is over, and that it has +no power to recover it, neither does it know how; for if it cut +itself in pieces by penance and prayer, and every other kind of +austerities, all would be of little use, if our Lord did not +grant it. God, in His great mercy, will have the soul comprehend +that His Majesty is so near to it, that it need not send +messengers to Him, but may speak to Him itself, and not with a +loud crying, because so near is He already, that He understands +even the movements of its lips. + +8. It seems absurd to say this, seeing that we know that God +understands us always, and is present with us. It is so, and +there can be no doubt of it; but our Emperor and Lord will have +us now understand that He understands us; and also have us +understand what His presence bringeth about, and that He means in +a special way to begin a work in the soul, which is manifested in +the great joy, inward and outward, which He communicates, and in +the difference there is, as I said just now, between this joy and +delight and all the joys of earth; for He seems to be filling up +the void in our souls occasioned by our sins. + +9. This satisfaction lies in the innermost part of the soul, and +the soul knows not whence, nor how, it came, very often it knows +not what to do, or wish, or pray for. It seems to find all this +at once, and knoweth not what it hath found; nor do I know how to +explain it, because learning is necessary for many things. Here, +indeed, learning would be very much to the purpose, in order to +explain the general and particular helps of grace; for there are +many who know nothing about them. Learning would serve to show +how our Lord now will have the soul to see, as it were, with the +naked eye, as men speak, this particular help of grace, and be +also useful in many other ways wherein I am likely to go astray. +But as what I write is to be seen by those who have the learning +to discover whether I make mistakes or not, I go on without +anxiety; for I know I need have none whatever about either the +letter or the spirit, because it is in their power to whom it is +to be sent to do with it as they will: they will understand it, +and blot out whatever may be amiss. + +10. I should like them to explain this, because it is a principal +point, and because a soul, when our Lord begins to bestow these +graces upon it, does not understand them, and does not know what +to do with itself; for if God leads it by the way of fear, as He +led me, its trial will be heavy, if there be no one who +understands the state it is in; and to see itself as in a picture +is a great comfort; and then it sees clearly that it is +travelling on that road. The knowledge of what it has to do is a +great blessing for it, so that it may advance forwards in every +one of these degrees of prayer; for I have suffered greatly, and +lost much time, because I did not know what to do; and I am very +sorry for those souls who find themselves alone when they come to +this state; for though I read many spiritual books, wherein this +very matter is discussed, they threw very little light upon it. +And if it be not a soul much exercised in prayer, it will find it +enough to understand its state, be the books ever so clear. + +11. I wish much that our Lord would help me to describe the +effects on the soul of these things, now that they begin to be +supernatural, so that men might know by these effects whether +they come from the Spirit of God. I mean, known as things are +known here below--though it is always well to live in fear, and +on our guard; for even if they do come from God, now and then the +devil will be able to transform himself into an angel of +light; [4] and the soul, if not experienced herein, will not +understand the matter; and it must have so much experience for +the understanding thereof, that it is necessary it should have +attained to the highest perfection of prayer. + +12. The little time I have helps me but little, and it is +therefore necessary His Majesty should undertake it Himself; for +I have to live in community, and have very many things to employ +me, as I am in a house which is newly founded--as will appear +hereafter; [5] and so I am writing, with very many interruptions, +by little and little at a time. I wish I had leisure; for when +our Lord gives the spirit, it is more easily and better done; it +is then as with a person working embroidery with the pattern +before her; but if the spirit be wanting, there is no more +meaning in the words than in gibberish, so to speak, though many +years may have been spent in prayer. And thus I think it a very +great advantage to be in this state of prayer when I am writing +this; for I see clearly that it is not I who speak, nor is it I +who with her understanding has arranged it; and afterwards I do +not know how I came to speak so accurately. [6] It has often +happened to me thus. + +13. Let us now return to our orchard, or flower-garden, and +behold now how the trees begin to fill with sap for the bringing +forth of the blossoms, and then of the fruit--the flowers and the +plants, also, their fragrance. This illustration pleases me; for +very often, when I was beginning--and our Lord grant that I have +really begun to serve His Majesty--I mean, begun in relation to +what I have to say of my life,--it was to me a great joy to +consider my soul as a garden, and our Lord as walking in it. +I used to beseech Him to increase the fragrance of the little +flowers of virtues--which were beginning, as it seemed to +bud--and preserve them, that they might be to His glory; for I +desired nothing for myself. I prayed Him to cut those He liked, +because I already knew that they would grow the better. + +14. I say cut; for there are times in which the soul has no +recollection of this garden--everything seems parched, and there +is no water to be had for preserving it--and in which it seems as +if the soul had never possessed any virtue at all. This is the +season of heavy trials; for our Lord will have the poor gardener +suppose all the trouble he took in maintaining and watering the +garden to have been taken to no purpose. Then is the time really +for weeding and rooting out every plant, however small it may be, +that is worthless, in the knowledge that no efforts of ours are +sufficient, if God withholds from us the waters of His grace; and +in despising ourselves as being nothing, and even less than +nothing. In this way we gain great humility--the flowers +grow afresh. + +15. O my Lord and my Good! I cannot utter these words without +tears, and rejoicing in my soul; for Thou wilt be thus with us, +and art with us, in the Sacrament. We may believe so most truly; +for so it is, and the comparison I make is a great truth; and, if +our sins stand not in the way, we may rejoice in Thee, because +Thou rejoicest in us; for Thou hast told us that Thy delight is +to be with the children of men. [7] O my Lord, what does it +mean? Whenever I hear these words, they always give me great +consolation, and did so even when I was most wicked. + +16. Is it possible, 0 Lord, that there can be a soul which, after +attaining to this state wherein Thou bestowest upon it the like +graces and consolations, and wherein it understands that Thou +delightest to be with it, can yet fall back and offend Thee after +so many favours, and such great demonstrations of the love Thou +bearest it, and of which there cannot be any doubt, because the +effect of it is so visible? Such a soul there certainly is; for +I have done so, not once, but often. May it please Thy goodness, +O Lord, that I may be alone in my ingratitude--the only one who +has committed so great an iniquity, and whose ingratitude has +been so immeasurable! But even out of my ingratitude Thine +infinite goodness has brought forth some good; and the greater my +wickedness, the greater the splendour of the great mercy of Thy +compassions. Oh, what reasons have I to magnify them for ever! + +17. May it be so, I beseech Thee, O my God, and may I sing of +them for ever, now that Thou hast been pleased to show mercies so +great unto me that they who see them are astonished, mercies +which draw me out of myself continually, that I may praise Thee +more and more! for, remaining in myself, without Thee, I could do +nothing, O my Lord, but be as the withered flowers of the garden; +so that this miserable earth of mine becomes a heap of refuse, as +it was before. Let it not be so, O Lord!--let not a soul which +Thou hast purchased with so many labours be lost, one which Thou +hast so often ransomed anew, and delivered from between the teeth +of the hideous dragon! + +18. You, my father, must forgive me for wandering from the +subject; and, as I am speaking to the purpose I have in view, you +must not be surprised. What I write is what my soul has +understood; and it is very often hard enough to abstain from the +praises of God when, in the course of writing, the great debt I +owe Him presents itself before me. Nor do I think that it can be +disagreeable to you; because both of us, I believe, may sing the +same song, though in a different way; for my debt is much the +greater, seeing that God has forgiven me more, as you, my +father, know. + + +1. 2 Cor. v. 14: "Charitas enim Christi urget nos." + +2. See ch. xvii. § 12; Way of Perfection, ch. liii., but xxxi. of +the old editions. + +3. See Relation, i. § 12. + +4. 2 Cor. xi. 14: "Ipse enim Satanas transfigurat se in +angelum lucis." + +5. See ch. x. § 11. As that passage refers probably to the +monastery of the Incarnation, this must refer to that of +St. Joseph, newly founded in Avila; for that of the Incarnation +was founded a short time before the Saint was born; and she could +hardly say of it, now that she was at least in her forty-seventh +year, that it was newly founded. The house, however, was poor; +for she says, ch. xxxii. § 12, that the nuns occasionally quitted +the monastery for a time, because of its poverty. + +6. See ch. xviii. § 10. In the second Report of the Rota, +p. 477--quoted by Benedict XIV., De Canoniz. iii. 26, n. 12, and +by the Bollandists in the Acta, 1315--we have these words, and +they throw great light on the text: "Sunt et alli testes de visu +affirmantes quod quando beata Teresa scribebat libros, facies +ejus resplendebat." In the information taken in Granada, the +Mother Anne of the Incarnation says she saw the Saint one night, +while writing the Fortress of the Soul, with her face shining; +and Mary of St. Francis deposes to the same effect in the +informations taken in Medina (De la Fuente, +vol. ii. pp. 389, 392). + +7. Prov. viii. 31: "Deliciæ meæ esse cum filiis hominum." + + + +Chapter XV. + + +Instructions for Those Who Have Attained to the Prayer of Quiet. +Many Advance So Far, but Few Go Farther. + + +1. Let us now go back to the subject. This quiet and +recollection of the soul makes itself in great measure felt in +the satisfaction and peace, attended with very great joy and +repose of the faculties, and most sweet delight, wherein the soul +is established. [1] It thinks, because it has not gone beyond +it, that there is nothing further to wish for, but that its abode +might be there, and it would willingly say so with St. Peter. [2] +It dares not move nor stir, because it thinks that this blessing +it has received must then escape out of its hands; now and then, +it could wish it did not even breathe. [3] The poor little soul +is not aware that, as of itself it could do nothing to draw down +this blessing on itself, it is still less able to retain it a +moment longer than our Lord wills it should remain. + +2. I have already said that, in the prior recollection and +quiet, [4] there is no failure of the powers of the soul; but the +soul is so satisfied in God that, although two of its powers be +distracted, yet, while the recollection lasts, as the will abides +in union with God, so its peace and quiet are not disturbed; on +the contrary, the will by degrees brings the understanding and +the memory back again; for though the will is not yet altogether +absorbed, it continues still occupied without knowing how, so +that, notwithstanding all the efforts of the memory and the +understanding, they cannot rob it of its delight and +joy [5]--yea, rather, it helps without any labour at all to keep +this little spark of the love of God from being quenched. + +3. Oh, that His Majesty would be gracious unto me, and enable me +to give a clear account of the matter; for many are the souls who +attain to this state, and few are they who go farther: and I know +not who is in fault; most certainly it is not God; for when His +Majesty shows mercy unto a soul, so that it advances so far, I +believe that He will not fail to be more merciful still, if there +be no shortcomings on our part. + +4. And it is of great importance for the soul that has advanced +so far as this to understand the great dignity of its state, the +great grace given it by our Lord, and how in all reason it should +not belong to earth; because He, of His goodness, seems to make +it here a denizen of heaven, unless it be itself in fault. +And miserable will that soul be if it turns back; it will go +down, I think so, even to the abyss, as I was going myself, if +the mercy of our Lord had not brought me back; because, for the +most part, it must be the effect of grave faults--that is my +opinion: nor is it possible to forsake so great a good otherwise +than through the blindness occasioned by much evil. + +5. Therefore, for the love of our Lord, I implore those souls to +whom His Majesty has given so great a grace--the attainment of +this state--to know and make much of themselves, with a humble +and holy presumption, in order that they may never return to the +flesh-pots of Egypt. And if through weakness and wickedness, and +a mean and wretched nature, they should fall, as I did, let them +always keep in mind the good they have lost; let them suspect and +fear--they have reason to do so--that, if they do not resume +their prayer, they may go on from bad to worse. I call that a +real fall which makes us hate the way by which so great a good +was obtained. I address myself to those souls; but I am not +saying that they will never offend God, nor fall into +sin,--though there are good reasons why those who have received +these graces should keep themselves carefully from sin; but we +are miserable creatures. What I earnestly advise is this: let +there be no giving up of prayer; it is by prayer they will +understand what they are doing, and obtain from our Lord the +grace to repent, and strength to rise again; they must believe +and believe again that, if they cease from praying, they run--so +I think--into danger. I know not if I understand what I am +saying; for, as I said before, I measure others by myself. [6] + +6. The prayer of quiet, then, is a little spark of the true love +of Himself, which our Lord begins to enkindle in the soul; and +His will is, that the soul should understand what this love is by +the joy it brings. This quiet and recollection and little spark, +if it is the work of the Spirit of God, and not a sweetness +supplied by Satan, or brought about by ourselves, produces great +results. A person of experience, however, cannot possibly fail +to understand at once that it is not a thing that can be +acquired, were it not that our nature is so greedy of sweetness, +that it seeks for it in every way. But it becomes cold very +soon; for, however much we try to make the fire burn, in order to +obtain this sweetness, it does not appear that we do anything +else but throw water on it, to put it out. This spark, then, +given of God, however slight it may be, causes a great crackling; +and if men do not quench it by their faults, it is the beginning +of the great fire, which sends forth--I shall speak of it in the +proper place [7]--the flames of that most vehement love of God +which His Majesty will have perfect souls to possess. + +7. This little spark is a sign or pledge which God gives to a +soul, in token of His having chosen it for great things, if it +will prepare to receive them. It is a great gift, much too great +for me to be able to speak of it. It is a great sorrow to me; +because, as I said before, [8] I know that many souls come thus +far, and that those who go farther, as they ought to go, are so +few, that I am ashamed to say it. I do not mean that they are +absolutely few: there must be many, because God is patient with +us, for some reasons; I speak of what I have seen. + +8. I should like much to recommend these souls to take care that +they do not hide their talent; for it may be that God has chosen +them to be the edification of many others, especially in these +days, when the friends of God should be strong, in order that +they may support the weak. Those who discern in themselves this +grace, must look upon themselves as such friends, if they would +fulfil the law which even the honourable friendship of the world +respects; if not, as I said just now, [9] let them fear and +tremble, lest they should be doing mischief to themselves--and +God grant it be to themselves only! + +9. What the soul has to do at those seasons wherein it is raised +to the prayer of quiet is nothing more than to be gentle and +without noise. By noise, I mean going about with the +understanding in search of words and reflections whereby to give +God thanks for this grace, and heaping up its sins and +imperfections together to show that it does not deserve it. +All this commotion takes place now, and the understanding comes +forward, and the memory is restless, and certainly to me these +powers bring much weariness at times; for, though my memory is +not strong, I cannot control it. Let the will quietly and wisely +understand that it is not by dint of labour on our part that we +can converse to any good purpose with God, and that our own +efforts are only great logs of wood, laid on without discretion +to quench this little spark; and let it confess this, and in +humility say, O Lord, what can I do here? what has the servant to +do with her Lord, and earth with heaven? or words of love that +suggest themselves now, firmly grounded in the conviction that +what it says is truth; and let it make no account of the +understanding, which is simply tiresome. + +10. And if the will wishes to communicate to the understanding +any portion of that the fruition of which itself has entered on, +or if it labours to make the understanding recollected, it shall +not succeed; for it will often happen that the will is in union +and at rest, while the understanding is in extreme disorder. +It is better for it to leave it alone, and not to run after it--I +am speaking of the will; for the will should abide in the +fruition of that grace, recollected itself, like the prudent bee; +for if no bees entered the hive, and each of them wandered abroad +in search of the rest, the honey would hardly be made. In the +same way, the soul will lose much if it be not careful now, +especially if the understanding be acute; for when it begins to +make reflections and search for reasons, it will think at once +that it is doing something if its reasons and reflections +are good. + +11. The only reason that ought to be admitted now is to +understand clearly that there is no reason whatever, except His +mere goodness, why God should grant us so great a grace, and to +be aware that we are so near Him, and to pray to His Majesty for +mercies, to make intercession for the Church, for those who had +been recommended to us, and for the souls in purgatory,--not, +however, with noise of words, but with a heartfelt desire to be +heard. This is a prayer that contains much, and by it more is +obtained than by many reflections of the understanding. Let the +will stir up some of those reasons, which proceed from reason +itself, to quicken its love, such as the fact of its being in a +better state, and let it make certain acts of love, as what it +will do for Him to whom it owes so much,--and that, as I said +just now, without any noise of the understanding, in the search +after profound reflections. A little straw,--and it will be less +than straw, if we bring it ourselves,--laid on with humility, +will be more effectual here, and will help to kindle a fire more +than many fagots of most learned reasons, which, in my opinion, +will put it out in a moment. + +12. This is good for those learned men who have commanded me to +write, [10] and who all, by the goodness of God, have come to +this state; for it may be that they spend the time in making +applications of passages of the Scriptures. And though learning +could not fail to be of great use to them, both before and after +prayer, still, in the very time of prayer itself, there is little +necessity for it, in my opinion, unless it be for the purpose of +making the will tepid; for the understanding then, because of its +nearness to the light, is itself illuminated; so that even I, who +am what I am, seem to be a different person. And so it is; for +it has happened to me, who scarcely understand a word of what I +read in Latin, and specially in the Psalms, when in the prayer of +quiet, not only to understand the Latin as if it were Spanish, +but, still more, to take a delight in dwelling on the meaning of +that I knew through the Spanish. We must make an exception: if +these learned men have to preach or to teach, they will do well +to take advantage of their learning, that they may help poor +people of little learning, of whom I am one. Charity is a great +thing; and so always is ministering unto souls, when done simply +for God. + +13. So, then, when the soul is in the prayer of quiet, let it +repose in its rest--let learning be put on one side. The time +will come when they may make use of it in the service of our +Lord--when they that possess it will appreciate it so highly as +to be glad that they had not neglected it even for all the +treasures of the world, simply because it enables them to serve +His Majesty; for it is a great help. But in the eyes of Infinite +Wisdom, believe me, a little striving after humility, and a +single act thereof, are worth more than all the science in the +world. This is not the time for discussing, but for +understanding plainly what we are, and presenting ourselves in +simplicity before God, who will have the soul make itself as a +fool--as, indeed, it is--in His presence, seeing that His Majesty +so humbles Himself as to suffer it to be near Him, we being what +we are. + +14. Moreover, the understanding bestirs itself to make its +thanksgiving in phrases well arranged; but the will, in peace, +not daring to lift up its eyes with the publican, [11] makes +perhaps a better act of thanksgiving than the understanding, with +all the tropes of its rhetoric. In a word, mental prayer is not +to be abandoned altogether now, nor even vocal prayer, if at any +time we wish, or can, to make use of either of them; for if the +state of quiet be profound, it becomes difficult to speak, and it +can be done only with great pain. + +15. I believe myself that we know whether this proceeds from the +Spirit of God, or is brought about by endeavours of our own, in +the commencement of devotion which God gives; and we seek of +ourselves, as I said before, [12] to pass onwards to this quiet +of the will. Then, no effect whatever is produced; it is quickly +over, and aridity is the result. If it comes from Satan, the +practised soul, in my opinion, will detect it, because it leaves +trouble behind, and scant humility and poor dispositions for +those effects which are wrought if it comes from God; it leaves +neither light in the understanding nor steadiness in +the truth. [13] + +16. Here Satan can do little or no harm, if the soul directs unto +God the joy and sweetness it then feels; and if it fixes the +thoughts and desires on Him, according to the advice already +given, the devil can gain nothing whatever--on the contrary, by +the permission of God, he will lose much by that very joy which +he causes in the soul, because that joy will help the soul, +inasmuch as it thinks the joy comes from God, to betake itself +often to prayer in its desire for it. And if the soul is humble, +indifferent to, and detached from, all joy, however spiritual, +and if it loves the cross, it will make no account of the +sweetness which Satan sends. But it cannot so deal with that +which comes from the Spirit of God; of that it will make much. +Now, when Satan sends it, as he is nothing but a lie, and when he +sees that the soul humbles itself through that joy and +sweetness--and here, in all things relating to prayer and +sweetness, we must be very careful to endeavour to make ourselves +humble,--Satan will not often repeat his work, when he sees that +he loses by it. + +17. For this and for many other reasons, when I was speaking of +the first degree of prayer, and of the first method of drawing +the water, [14] I insisted upon it that the great affair of souls +is, when they begin to pray, to begin also to detach themselves +from every kind of joy, and to enter on it resolved only on +helping to carry the cross of Christ like good soldiers, willing +to serve their King without present pay, because they are sure of +it at last, having their eyes directed to the true and +everlasting kingdom at the conquest of which we are aiming. + +18. It is a very great matter to have this always before our +eyes, especially in the beginning; afterwards, it becomes so +clear, that it is rather a matter of necessity to forget it, in +order to live on. Now, labouring to keep in mind that all things +here below are of short duration, that they are all nothing, that +the rest we have here is to be accounted as none,--all this, I +say, seems to be exceedingly low; and so, indeed, it is,--because +those who have gone on to greater perfection would look upon it +as a reproach, and be ashamed of themselves, if they thought that +they were giving up the goods of this world because they are +perishable, or that they would not be glad to give them up for +God--even if they were to last for ever. The greater the +perfection of these persons, the greater their joy, and the +greater also would that joy be if the duration of these worldly +goods were greater. + +19. In these persons, thus far advanced, love is already grown, +and love is that which does this work. But as to beginners, to +them it is of the utmost importance, and they must not regard +this consideration as unbecoming, for the blessings to be gained +are great,--and that is why I recommend it so much to them; for +they will have need of it--even those who have attained to great +heights of prayer--at certain times, when God will try them, and +when His Majesty seems to have forsaken them. + +20. I have said as much already, and I would not have it +forgotten, [15] in this our life on earth, the growth of the soul +is not like that of the body. We, however, so speak of it--and, +in truth, it does grow. A youth that is grown up, whose body is +formed, and who is become a man, does not ungrow, nor does his +body lessen in size; but as to the soul, it so is by our Lord's +will, so far as I have seen it in my own experience,--but I know +nothing of it in any other way. It must be in order to humble us +for our greater good, and to keep us from being careless during +our exile; seeing that he who has ascended the higher has the +more reason to be afraid, and to be less confident in himself. +A time may come when they whose will is so wrapt up in the will +of God--and who, rather than fall into a single imperfection, +would undergo torture and suffer a thousand deaths--will find it +necessary, if they would be delivered from offending God, and +from the commission of sin, to make use of the first armour of +prayer, to call to mind how everything is coming to an end, that +there is a heaven and a hell, and to make use of other +reflections of that nature, when they find themselves assailed by +temptations and persecutions. + +21. Let us go back to what I was saying. The great source of our +deliverance from the cunning devices and the sweetness which +Satan sends is to begin with a resolution to walk in the way of +the Cross from the very first, and not to desire any sweetness at +all, seeing that our Lord Himself has pointed out to us the way +of perfection, saying, "Take up thy cross and follow Me." [16] +He is our example; and whosoever follows His counsels only to +please Him has nothing to fear. In the improvement which they +detect in themselves, they who do so will see that this is no +work of Satan and if they fall, they have a sign of the presence +of our Lord in their rising again at once. They have other +signs, also, of which I am going to speak. + +22. When it is the work of the Spirit of God, there is no +necessity for going about searching for reasons, on the strength +of which we may elicit acts of humility and of shame, because our +Lord Himself supplies them in a way very different from that by +which we could acquire them by our own poor reflections, which +are as nothing in comparison with that real humility arising out +of the light which our Lord here gives us, and which begets a +confusion of face that undoes us. The knowledge with which God +supplies us, in order that we may know that of ourselves we have +no good in us, is perfectly apprehended--and the more perfectly, +the greater the graces. It fills us with a great desire of +advancing in prayer, and of never giving it up, whatever troubles +may arise. The soul offers to suffer everything. A certain +security, joined with humility and fear concerning our salvation, +casts out servile fear at once from the soul, and in its place +plants a loyal fear [17] of more perfect growth. [18] There is a +visible beginning of a love of God, utterly divested of all +self-interest, together with a longing after seasons of solitude, +in order to obtain a greater fruition of this good. + +23. In short, not to weary myself, it is the beginning of all +good; the flowers have so thriven, that they are on the point of +budding. And this the soul sees most clearly, and it is +impossible to persuade it now that God was not with it, till it +turns back upon itself, and beholds its own failings and +imperfections. Then it fears for everything; and it is well it +should do so--though there are souls whom the certain conviction +that God is with them benefits more than all the fear they may +ever have. If a soul love greatly, and is thankful naturally, +the remembrance of the mercies of God makes it turn to Him more +effectually than all the chastisements of hell it can ever +picture to itself--at least, it was so with me, though I am +so wicked. + +24. As I shall speak at greater length of the signs of a good +spirit [19]--it has cost me much labour to be clear about them--I +do not treat of them here. I believe, too, that, with the help +of God, I shall be able to speak somewhat to the point, +because--setting aside the experience I have had, and by which I +learned much--I have had the help of some most learned men and +persons of great holiness, whom we may reasonably believe in the +matter. Souls, therefore, are not to weary themselves so much as +I did, when, by the goodness of our Lord, they may have come to +this state. + + +1. See Way of Perfection, ch. liii., but ch. xxxii of the +old edition. + +2. St. Matt. xvii. 4: "Bonum est nos hic esse." + +3. See ch. xvii. § 6. + +4. Ch. x. § 1. + +5. Ch. xiv. §§ 3, 4. + +6. Ch. x. § 9. + +7. Ch. xviii. § 4, and ch. xxi. § 9. + +8. § 3. + +9. § 5. + +10. Ch. x. § 1. + +11. St. Luke xviii. 13: "Nolebat nec oculos ad coelum levare." + +12. Ch. xii. § 5. + +13. "Firmeza en la verdad." Francisco de St. Thoma, in his +Medulla Mystica, p. 204, quoting this passage, has, "firmeza en +la voluntad." Philip a SS. Trinitate, Theolog. Mystic. p. 354, +and his Abbreviator, Anton. a Sp. Sancto, Direct. Mystic. tr. iv. +disp. i. § 11, n. 94, seem also to have preferred "voluntad" to +"verdad;" for the words they use are, "nec intellectui lux nec +voluntati firmitas;" and, "defectus lucis in intellectu, et +firmitatis in voluntate." + +14. Ch. xi. § 16. + +15. Ch. xiii. § 23. + +16. St. Matt. xvi. 24: "Tollat crucem suam et sequatur Me." + +17. "Fiel temor." In the previous editions it was filial. + +18. Ch. xi. § 1. + +19. See ch. xxv. + + + +Chapter XVI. + + +The Third State of Prayer. Deep Matters. What the Soul Can Do +That Has Reached It. Effects of the Great Graces of Our Lord. + + +1. Let us now speak of the third water wherewith this garden is +watered,--water running from a river or from a brook,--whereby +the garden is watered with very much less trouble, although there +is some in directing the water. [1] In this state our Lord will +help the gardener, and in such a way as to be, as it were, the +Gardener Himself, doing all the work. It is a sleep of the +powers of the soul, which are not wholly lost, nor yet +understanding how they are at work. The pleasure, sweetness, and +delight are incomparably greater than in the former state of +prayer; and the reason is, that the waters of grace have risen up +to the neck of the soul, so that it can neither advance nor +retreat--nor does it know how to do so; it seeks only the +fruition of exceeding bliss. It is like a dying man with the +candle in his hand, on the point of dying the death desired. +It is rejoicing in this agony with unutterable joy; to me it +seems to be nothing else but a death, as it were, to all the +things of this world, and a fruition of God. I know of no other +words whereby to describe it or to explain it; neither does the +soul then know what to do,--for it knows not whether to speak or +be silent, whether it should laugh or weep. It is a glorious +folly, a heavenly madness, wherein true wisdom is acquired; and +to the soul a kind of fruition most full of delight. [2] + +2. It is now some five or six years, I believe, since our Lord +raised me to this state of prayer, in its fulness, and that more +than once,--and I never understood it, and never could explain +it; and so I was resolved, when I should come thus far in my +story, to say very little or nothing at all. I knew well enough +that it was not altogether the union of all the faculties, and +yet most certainly it was higher than the previous state of +prayer; but I confess that I could not determine and understand +the difference. + +3. The humility of your reverence, willing to be helped by a +simplicity so great as mine, has been the cause, I believe, why +our Lord, to-day, after Communion, admitted me to this state of +prayer, without the power of going further, and suggested to me +these comparisons, and taught me how to speak of it, and of what +the soul must do therein. Certainly, I was amazed, and in a +moment understood it all. I have often been thus, as it were, +beside myself, drunk with love, and yet never could understand +how it was. I knew well that it was the work of God, but I never +was able to understand the manner of His working here; for, in +fact, the faculties are almost all completely in union, yet not +so absorbed that they do not act. I have been singularly +delighted in that I have been able to comprehend the matter at +last. Blessed be our Lord, who has thus consoled me! + +4. The faculties of the soul now retain only the power of +occupying themselves wholly with God; not one of them ventures to +stir, neither can we move one of them without making great +efforts to distract ourselves--and, indeed, I do not think we can +do it at all at this time. Many words are then uttered in praise +of God--but disorderly, unless it be that our Lord orders them +himself. At least, the understanding is utterly powerless here; +the soul longs to send forth words of praise, but it has no +control over itself,--it is in a state of sweet restlessness. +The flowers are already opening; they are beginning to send forth +their fragrance. + +5. The soul in this state would have all men behold and know of +its bliss, to the praise of God, and help it to praise Him. +It would have them to be partakers of its joy; for its joy is +greater than it can bear. It seems to me that it is like the +woman in the Gospel, who would, or used to, call in her +neighbours. [3] The admirable spirit of David, the royal +prophet, must have felt in the same way, so it seems to me, when +he played on the harp, singing the praises of God. I have a very +great devotion to this glorious king; [4] and I wish all had it, +particularly those who are sinners like myself. + +6. O my God, what must that soul be when it is in this state? +It wishes it were all tongue, in order that it may praise our +Lord. It utters a thousand holy follies, striving continually to +please Him by whom it is thus possessed. I know one [5] who, +though she was no poet, yet composed, without any preparation, +certain stanzas, full of feeling, most expressive of her pain: +they were not the work of her own understanding; but, in order to +have a greater fruition of that bliss which so sweet a pain +occasioned her, she complained of it in that way to God. She was +willing to be cut in pieces, soul and body, to show the delight +she felt in that pain. To what torments could she be then +exposed, that would not be delicious to endure for her Lord? +She sees clearly that the martyrs did little or nothing, so far +as they were concerned, when they endured their tortures, because +the soul is well aware that its strength is derived from +another source. + +7. But what will be its sufferings when it returns to the use of +the senses, to live in the world, and go back to the anxieties +and the fashions thereof? I do not think that I have exaggerated +in any way, but rather have fallen short, in speaking of that +joy, which our Lord, of His good pleasure, gives to the soul in +this its exile. Blessed for ever be Thou, O Lord! and may all +created things praise Thee for ever! + +8. O my King, seeing that I am now, while writing this, still +under the power of this heavenly madness, an effect of Thy mercy +and goodness,--and it is a mercy I never deserved,--grant, I +beseech Thee, that all those with whom I may have to converse may +become mad through Thy love, or let me converse with none, or so +order it that I may have nothing to do in the world, or take me +away from it. This Thy servant, O my God, is no longer able to +endure sufferings so great as those are which she must bear when +she sees herself without Thee if she must live, she seeks no +repose in this life,--and do Thou give her none. This my soul +longs to be free--eating is killing it, and sleep is wearisome; +it sees itself wasting the time of this life in comforts, and +that there is no comfort for it now but in Thee; it seems to be +living contrary to nature--for now, it desires to live not in +itself, but in Thee. + +9. O my true Lord and my happiness! what a cross hast Thou +prepared for those who attain to this state!--light and most +heavy at the same time: light, because sweet; heavy, because now +and then there is no patience left to endure it--and yet the soul +never wishes to be delivered from it, unless it be that it may +come to Thee. When the soul remembers that it has never served +Thee at all, and that by living on it may do Thee some service, +it longs for a still heavier cross, and never to die before the +end of the world. Its own repose it counts as nothing in +comparison with doing a slight service to Thee. It knows not +what to desire; but it clearly understands that it desires +nothing else but Thee. + +10. O my son, [6] so humble is he to whom this writing is +directed, and who has commanded me to write, that he suffers +himself to be thus addressed,--you, my father, only must see +these things, in which I seem to have transgressed all bounds; +for no reason can keep me reasonable when our Lord draws me out +of myself. Since my communion this morning, [7] I do not believe +that I am the person who is speaking; I seem to be dreaming the +things I see, and I wish I might never see any but people ill, as +I am now. I beseech you, my father, let us all be mad, for the +love of Him who for our sakes suffered men to say of Him that He +was mad. [8] + +11. You, my father, say that you wish me well. I wish you would +prove it by disposing yourself so that God may bestow this grace +upon you; for I see very few people who have not too much sense +for everything they have to do: and it may be that I have more +than anybody else. Your reverence must not allow it; you are my +father, for you are my confessor, and the person to whom I have +trusted my soul; disperse my delusions by telling the truth; for +truths of this sort are very rarely told. + +12. I wish we five, who now love one another in our Lord, had +made some such arrangement as this: as others in these times have +met together in secret [9] to plot wickedness and heresies +against His Majesty, so we might contrive to meet together now +and then, in order to undeceive one another, to tell each other +wherein we might improve ourselves, and be more pleasing unto +God; for there is no one that knows himself as well as he is +known of others who see him, if it be with eyes of love and the +wish to do him good. I say; in secret; for language of this kind +is no longer in use; even preachers go about arranging their +sermons so as to displease no one. [10] They have a good +intention, and their work is good; yet still few amend their +lives. But how is it that they are not many who, in consequence +of these sermons, abstain from public sins? Well, I think it is +because the preachers are highly sensible men. They are not +burning with the great fire of the love of God, as the Apostles +were, casting worldly prudence aside; and so their fire throws +out but little heat. I do not say that their fire ought to burn +like that of the Apostles, but I do wish it were a stronger fire +than I see it is. Do you, my father, know wherein much of this +fire consists? In the hatred of this life, in the desertion of +its honours, in being utterly indifferent whether we lose or gain +anything or everything, provided the truth be told and maintained +for the glory of God; for he who is courageously in earnest for +God, looks upon loss or gain indifferently. I do not say that I +am a person of this kind, but I wish I was. + +13. Oh, grand freedom, to regard it as a captivity to be obliged +to live and converse with men according to the laws of the world! +It is the gift of our Lord; there is not a slave who would not +imperil everything that he might escape and return to his +country; and as this is the true road, there is no reason why we +should linger; for we shall never effectually gain a treasure so +great, so long as this life is not ended. May our Lord give us +His grace for that end! You, my father, if it shall seem good to +you, will tear up what I have written, and consider it as a +letter for yourself alone, and forgive me that I have been +very bold. + + +1. "The third degree, or third water, of the Saint, must begin, I +think, with the prayer of infused recollection, include that of +infused quiet, and end in that of inebriation; because it is not +in our power to draw this water--all we can do is to direct the +stream." (Francis. de St. Thoma, Medulla Mystica, +tr. iv. ch. xii. p. 208). + +2. See St. John of the Cross, Spirit. Canticle, stanza +xvii. vol. ii. p. 98, Engl. trans. + +3. St. Luke xv. 9: "Convocat amicas et vicinas." + +4. Foundations, ch. xxix. § 9. + +5. The Saint herself (De la Fuente). + +6. This was either F. Ybañez or the Inquisitor Soto, if the +expression did not occur in the first Life. F. Dom. Bañes struck +out "son," and wrote "father" in its place, omitting the words, +"so humble is he" (De la Fuente). + +7. See § 3, above. + +8. St. John x. 20: "Dæmonium habet et insanit." + +9. The Saint refers to the secret meetings of heretics in +Valladolid, under the direction of a fallen priest, the Doctor +Agostino Cazalla, whose vanity led him to imitate Luther. +Some nuns in Valladolid were imprisoned, Cazalla strangled, and +his body burnt, in 1559 (De la Fuente). + +10. Father Bañes wrote here on the margin of the Saint's MS, +"Legant prædicatores" (De la Fuente). + + + +Chapter XVII. + + +The Third State of Prayer. The Effects Thereof. The Hindrance +Caused by the Imagination and the Memory. + + +1. Enough has been said of this manner of prayer, and of what the +soul has to do, or rather, to speak more correctly, of what God +is doing within it; for it is He who now takes upon Himself the +gardener's work, and who will have the soul take its ease; except +that the will is consenting to the graces, the fruition of which +it has, and that it must resign itself to all that the True +Wisdom would accomplish in it--for which it is certain it has +need of courage; because the joy is so great, that the soul seems +now and then to be on the very point of going forth out of the +body: and what a blessed death that would be! Now, I think it is +for the soul's good--as you, my father, have been told--to +abandon itself into the arms of God altogether; if He will take +it to heaven, let it go; if to hell, no matter, as it is going +thither with its sovereign Good. If life is to come to an end +for ever, so it wills; if it is to last a thousand years, it +wills that also: His Majesty may do with it as with His own +property,--the soul no longer belongs to itself, it has been +given wholly to our Lord; let it cast all care utterly away. + +2. My meaning is that, in a state of prayer, so high as this, the +soul understands that God is doing His work without any fatiguing +of the understanding, except that, as it seems to me, it is as if +amazed in beholding our Lord taking upon Himself the work of the +good gardener, refusing to let the soul undergo any labour +whatever, but that of taking its pleasure in the flowers +beginning to send forth their fragrance; for when God raises a +soul up to this state, it can do all this, and much more,--for +these are the effects of it. + +3. In one of these visits, how brief soever it may be, the +Gardener, being who He is,--in a word, the Creator of the +water,--pours the water without stint; and what the poor soul, +with the labour, perhaps, of twenty years in fatiguing the +understanding, could not bring about, that the heavenly Gardener +accomplishes in an instant, causing the fruit both to grow and +ripen; so that the soul, such being the will of our Lord, may +derive its sustenance from its garden. But He allows it not to +divide the fruit with others, until by eating thereof, it is +strong enough not to waste it in the mere tasting of it,--giving +to Him none of the produce, nor making any compensation for it to +Him who supplies it,--lest it should be maintaining others, +feeding them at its own cost, and itself perhaps dying of +hunger. [1] The meaning of this is perfectly clear for those who +have understanding enough to apply it--much more clear than I can +make it; and I am tired. + +4. Finally, the virtues are now stronger than they were during +the preceding prayer of quiet; for the soul sees itself to be +other than it was, and it knows not how it is beginning to do +great things in the odour which the flowers send forth; it being +our Lord's will that the flowers should open, in order that the +soul may believe itself to be in possession of virtue; though it +sees most clearly that it cannot, and never could, acquire them +in many years, and that the heavenly Gardener has given them to +it in that instant. Now, too, the humility of the soul is much +greater and deeper than it was before; because it sees more +clearly that it did neither much nor little, beyond giving its +consent that our Lord might work those graces in it, and then +accepting them willingly. + +5. This state of prayer seems to me to be a most distinct union +of the whole soul with God, but for this, that His Majesty +appears to give the faculties leave to be intent upon, and have +the fruition of, the great work He is doing then. It happens at +times, and indeed very often, that, the will being in union, the +soul should be aware of it, and see that the will is a captive +and in joy, that the will alone is abiding in great +peace,--while, on the other hand, the understanding and the +memory are so free, that they can be employed in affairs and be +occupied in works of charity. I say this, that you, my father, +may see it is so, and understand the matter when it shall happen +to yourself; at least, it carried me out of myself, and that is +the reason why I speak of it here. + +6. It differs from the prayer of quiet, of which I have +spoken, [2] though it does seem as if it were all one with it. +In that prayer, the soul, which would willingly neither stir nor +move, is delighting in the holy repose of Mary; but in this +prayer it can be like Martha also. [3] Accordingly, the soul is, +as it were, living the active and contemplative life at once, and +is able to apply itself to works of charity and the affairs of +its state, and to spiritual reading. Still, those who arrive at +this state, are not wholly masters of themselves, and are well +aware that the better part of the soul is elsewhere. It is as if +we were speaking to one person, and another speaking to us at the +same time, while we ourselves are not perfectly attentive either +to the one or the other. It is a state that is most easily +ascertained, and one, when attained to, that ministers great joy +and contentment, and that prepares the soul in the highest +degree, by observing times of solitude, or of freedom from +business, for the attainment of the most tranquil quietude. +It is like the life of a man who is full, requiring no food, with +his appetite satisfied, so that he will not eat of everything set +before him, yet not so full either as to refuse to eat if he saw +any desirable food. So the soul has no satisfaction in the +world, and seeks no pleasure in it then; because it has in itself +that which gives it a greater satisfaction, greater joys in God, +longings for the satisfaction of its longing to have a deeper joy +in being with Him--this is what the soul seeks. + +7. There is another kind of union, which, though not a perfect +union, is yet more so than the one of which I have just spoken; +but not so much so as this spoken of as the third water. You, my +father, will be delighted greatly if our Lord should bestow them +all upon you, if you have them not already, to find an account of +the matter in writing, and to understand it; for it is one grace +that our Lord gives grace; and it is another grace to understand +what grace and what gift it is; and it is another and further +grace to have the power to describe and explain it to others. +Though it does not seem that more than the first of these--the +giving of the grace--is necessary to enable the soul to advance +without confusion and fear, and to walk with the greater courage +in the way of our Lord, trampling under foot all the things of +this world, it is a great advantage and a great grace to +understand it; for every one who has it has great reason to +praise our Lord; and so, also, has he who has it not: because His +Majesty has bestowed it upon some person living who is to make us +profit by it. + +8. This union, of which I would now speak, frequently occurs, +particularly to myself. God has very often bestowed such a grace +upon me, whereby He constrains the will, and even the +understanding, as it seems to me, seeing that it makes no +reflections, but is occupied in the fruition of God: like a +person who looks on, and sees so many things, that he knows not +where to look--one object puts another out of sight, and none of +them leaves any impression behind. + +9. The memory remains free, and it must be so, together with the +imagination; and so, when it finds itself alone, it is marvellous +to behold what war it makes on the soul, and how it labours to +throw everything into disorder. As for me, I am wearied by it, +and I hate it; and very often do I implore our Lord to deprive me +of it on these occasions, if I am to be so much troubled by it. +Now and then, I say to Him: O my God, when shall my soul praise +Thee without distraction, not dissipated in this way, unable to +control itself! I understand now the mischief that sin has done, +in that it has rendered us unable to do what we desire--to be +always occupied in God. [4] + +10. I say that it happens to me from time to time,--it has done +so this very day, and so I remember it well,--to see my soul tear +itself, in order to find itself there where the greater part of +it is, and to see, at the same time, that it is impossible: +because the memory and the imagination assail it with such force, +that it cannot prevail against them; yet, as the other faculties +give them no assistance, they are not able to do it any +harm--none whatever; they do enough when they trouble its rest. +When I say they do no harm, my meaning is, that they cannot +really hurt it, because they have not strength enough, and +because they are too discursive. As the understanding gives no +help, neither much nor little, in the matters put before the +soul, they never rest anywhere, but hurry to and fro, like +nothing else but gnats at night, troublesome and unquiet: and so +they go about from one subject to another. + +11. This comparison seems to me to be singularly to the purpose; +for the memory and the imagination, though they have no power to +do any harm, are very troublesome. I know of no remedy for it; +and, hitherto, God has told me of none. If He had, most gladly +would I make use of it; for I am, as I say, tormented very often. +This shows our wretchedness and brings out most distinctly the +great power of God, seeing that the faculty which is free hurts +and wearies us so much; while the others, occupied with His +Majesty, give us rest. + +12. The only remedy I have found, after many years of weariness, +is that I spoke of when I was describing the prayer of quiet: [5] +to make no more account of it than of a madman, but let it go +with its subject; for God alone can take it from it,--in short, +it is a slave here. We must bear patiently with it, as Jacob +bore with Lia; for our Lord showeth us mercy enough when we are +allowed to have Rachel with us. + +13. I say that it remains a slave; for, after all, let it do what +it will, it cannot drag the other faculties in its train; on the +contrary, they, without taking any trouble, compel it to follow +after them. Sometimes God is pleased to take pity on it, when He +sees it so lost and so unquiet, through the longing it has to be +united with the other faculties, and His Majesty consents to its +burning itself in the flame of that divine candle by which the +others are already reduced to ashes, and their nature lost, +being, as it were, supernaturally in the fruition of blessings +so great. + +14. In all these states of prayer of which I have spoken, while +explaining this last method of drawing the water out of the well, +so great is the bliss and repose of the soul, that even the body +most distinctly shares in its joy and delight,--and this is most +plain; and the virtues continue to grow, as I said before. [6] +It seems to have been the good pleasure of our Lord to explain +these states of prayer, wherein the soul finds itself, with the +utmost clearness possible, I think, here on earth. + +15. Do you, my father, discuss it with any spiritual person who +has arrived at this state, and is learned. If he says of it, it +is well, you may believe that God has spoken it, and you will +give thanks to His Majesty; for, as I said just now, [7] in the +course of time you will rejoice greatly in that you have +understood it. Meanwhile, if He does not allow you to understand +what it is, though He does give you the possession of it, yet, +with your intellect and learning, seeing that His Majesty has +given you the first, you will know what it is, by the help of +what I have written here. Unto Him be praise for ever and +ever! Amen. + + +1. See ch. xix. § 4. + +2. Ch. xv. § 1. + +3. See Relation, viii. § 6; and Way of Perfection, ch. liii., but +ch xxxi. of former editions. See also Concept. of the Love of +God, ch. vii. + +4. See Relation, viii. § 17. + +5. Ch. xiv. § 4. See also Way of Perfection, ch. liii., but +ch. xxxi. of the old editions. + +6. Ch. xiv. § 6. + +7. § 7. + + + +Chapter XVIII. + + +The Fourth State of Prayer. The Great Dignity of the Soul Raised +to It by Our Lord. Attainable on Earth, Not by Our Merit, but by +the Goodness of Our Lord. + + +1. May our Lord teach me words whereby I may in some measure +describe the fourth water. [1] I have great need of His +help--even more than I had while speaking of the last; for in +that the soul still feels that it is not dead altogether. We may +thus speak, seeing that to the world it is really dead. But, as +I have said, [2] it retains the sense to see that it is in the +world, and to feel its own loneliness; and it makes use of that +which is outward for the purpose of manifesting its feelings, at +least by signs. In the whole of the prayer already spoken of, +and in all the states of it, the gardener undergoes some labour: +though in the later states the labour is attended with so much +bliss and comfort of the soul, that the soul would never +willingly pass out of it,--and thus the labour is not felt as +labour, but as bliss. + +2. In this the fourth state there is no sense of anything, only +fruition, without understanding what that is the fruition of +which is granted. It is understood that the fruition is of a +certain good containing in itself all good together at once; but +this good is not comprehended. The senses are all occupied in +this fruition in such a way that not one of them is at liberty, +so as to be able to attend to anything else, whether outward +or inward. + +3. The senses were permitted before, as I have said, [3] to give +some signs of the great joy they feel; but now, in this state, +the joy of the soul is incomparably greater, and the power of +showing it is still less; for there is no power in the body, and +the soul has none, whereby this fruition can be made known. +Everything of that kind would be a great hindrance, a torment, +and a disturbance of its rest. And I say, if it really be a +union of all the faculties, that the soul, even if it wished,--I +mean, when it is in union,--cannot make it known; and if it can, +then it is not union at all. + +4. How this, which we call union, is effected, and what it is, I +cannot tell. Mystical theology explains it, and I do not know +the terms of that science; nor can I understand what the mind is, +nor how it differs from the soul or the spirit either: all three +seem to me but one; though I do know that the soul sometimes +leaps forth out of itself, like a fire that is burning and is +become a flame; and occasionally this fire increases +violently--the flame ascends high above the fire; but it is not +therefore a different thing: it is still the same flame of the +same fire. Your learning, my fathers, will enable you to +understand the matter; I can go no further. + +5. What I undertake to explain is that which the soul feels when +it is in the divine union. It is plain enough what union is--two +distinct things becoming one. O my Lord, how good Thou art! +Blessed be Thou for ever, O my God! Let all creatures praise +Thee, Who hast so loved us that we can truly speak of this +communication which Thou hast with souls in this our exile! +Yea, even if they be good souls, it is on Thy part great +munificence and magnanimity,--in a word, it is Thy munificence, O +my Lord, seeing that Thou givest like Thyself. O infinite +Munificence!--how magnificent are Thy works! Even he whose +understanding is not occupied with the things of earth is amazed +that he is unable to understand these truths. Why, then, give +graces so high to souls who have been such great sinners? +Truly, this passeth my understanding; and when I come to think of +it, I can get no further. Is there any way at all for me to go +on which is not a going back? For, as to giving Thee thanks for +mercies so great, I know not how to do it. Sometimes I relieve +myself by giving utterance to follies. It often happens to me, +either when I receive these graces, or when God is about to +bestow them,--for, in the midst of them, I have already said, [4] +I was able to do nothing,--that I would break out into words +like these. + +6. O Lord, consider what Thou art doing; forget not so soon the +great evils that I have done. To forgive me, Thou must already +have forgotten them; yet, in order that there may be some limit +to Thy graces, I beseech Thee remember them. O my Creator, pour +not a liquor so precious into a vessel so broken; for Thou hast +already seen how on other occasions I allowed it to run waste. +Lay not up treasure like this, where the longing after the +consolations of this life is not so mortified as it ought to be; +for it will be utterly lost. How canst Thou commit the defence +of the city, and the keys of its fortress to a commander so +cowardly, who at the first assault will let the enemy enter +within? Oh, let not Thy love be so great, O King Eternal, as to +imperil jewels so precious! O my Lord, to me it seems that it +becomes a ground for undervaluing them, when Thou puttest them in +the power of one so wretched, so vile, so frail, so miserable, +and so worthless as I am, who, though she may labour not to lose +them, by the help of Thy grace,--and I have need of no little +grace for that end, being what I am,--is not able to win over any +one to Thee,--in short, I am a woman, not good, but wicked. +It seems to me that the talents are not only hidden, but buried, +when they are committed to earth so vile. It is not Thy wont, O +Lord, to bestow graces and mercies like these upon a soul, unless +it be that it may edify many. + +7. Thou, O my God, knowest already that I beg this of Thee with +my whole will, from the bottom of my heart, and that I have done +so more than once, and I account it a blessing to lose the +greatest blessings which may be had on earth, if Thou wouldst but +bestow these graces upon him who will make a better use of them +to the increase of Thy glory. These, and expressions like these, +it has happened to me often to utter. I saw afterwards my own +foolishness and want of humility; for our Lord knoweth well what +is expedient, and that there is no strength in my soul to be +saved, if His Majesty did not give it with graces so great. + +8. I purpose also to speak of the graces and effects which abide +in the soul, and of that which the soul itself can do, or rather, +if it can do anything of itself towards attaining to a state so +high. The elevation of the spirit, or union, comes together with +heavenly love but, as I understand it, union is a different thing +from elevation in union itself. To him who may not have had any +experience of the latter, it must seem that it is not; and, +according to my view of it, even if they are both one, the +operations of our Lord therein are different: there is a growth +of the soul's detachment from creatures more abundantly still in +the flight of the spirit. [5] I have clearly seen that this is a +particular grace, though, as I say, it may be the same, or seem +to be so, with the other; but a little fire, also, is as much +fire as a great fire--and yet there is a visible difference +between them. Before a small piece of iron is made red-hot in a +little fire, some time must pass; but if the fire be great, the +iron very quickly, though bulky, loses its nature altogether +in appearance. + +9. So, it seems to me, is it with these two kinds of graces which +our Lord bestows. He who has had raptures will, I am sure, +understand it well; to him who has not had that experience, it +must appear folly. And, indeed, it may well be so; for if a +person like myself should speak of a matter of this kind, and +give any explanation at all of that for the description of which +no words ever can possibly be found, it is not to be wondered at +that I may be speaking foolishly. + +10. But I have this confidence in our Lord, that He will help me +here; for His Majesty knoweth that my object in writing--the +first is to obey--is to inspire souls with a longing after so +high a good. I will speak of nothing that I do not know by great +experience: and so, when I began to describe the last kind of +water, I thought it more impossible for me to speak of it at all +than to speak Greek. It is a very difficult matter; so I left +it, and went to Communion. Blessed be our Lord, who is merciful +to the ignorant! Oh, virtue of obedience! it can do everything! +God enlightened my understanding--at one time suggesting the +words, at another showing me how to use them; for, as in the +preceding state of prayer, so also now, His Majesty seems to +utter what I can neither speak nor understand. [6] + +11. What I am saying is the simple truth; and therefore whatever +is good herein is His teaching; what is erroneous, clearly comes +out of that sea of evil--myself. If there be any--and there must +be many--who, having attained to these states of prayer whereunto +our Lord in His mercy has brought me--wretch that I am!--and who, +thinking they have missed their way, desire to treat of these +matters with me, I am sure that our Lord will help His servant to +declare the truth more plainly. + +12. I am now speaking of the water which cometh down from heaven +to fill and saturate in its abundance the whole of this garden +with water. If our Lord never ceased to pour it down whenever it +was necessary, the gardener certainly would have plenty of rest; +and if there were no winter, but an ever temperate season, fruits +and flowers would never fail. The gardener would have his +delight therein; but in this life that is impossible. We must +always be careful, when one water fails, to obtain another. +This water from heaven comes down very often when the gardener +least expects it. + +13. The truth is that, in the beginning, this almost always +happens after much mental prayer. Our Lord advances step by step +to lay hold of the little bird, and to lay it in the nest where +it may repose. He observed it fluttering for a long time, +striving with the understanding and the will, and with all its +might, to seek God and to please Him; so now it is His pleasure +to reward it even in this life. And what a reward!--one moment +is enough to repay all the possible trials of this life. + +14. The soul, while thus seeking after God, is conscious, with a +joy excessive and sweet, that it is, as it were, utterly fainting +away in a kind of trance: breathing, and all the bodily strength, +fail it, so that it cannot even move the hands without great +pain; the eyes close involuntarily, and if they are open, they +are as if they saw nothing; nor is reading possible,--the very +letters seem strange, and cannot be distinguished,--the letters, +indeed, are visible, but, as the understanding furnishes no help, +all reading is impracticable, though seriously attempted. +The ear hears; but what is heard is not comprehended. The senses +are of no use whatever, except to hinder the soul's fruition; and +so they rather hurt it. It is useless to try to speak, because +it is not possible to conceive a word; nor, if it were conceived, +is there strength sufficient to utter it; for all bodily strength +vanishes, and that of the soul increases, to enable it the better +to have the fruition of its joy. Great and most perceptible, +also, is the outward joy now felt. + +15. This prayer, however long it may last, does no harm--at +least, it has never done any to me; nor do I remember, however +ill I might have been when our Lord had mercy upon me in this +way, that I ever felt the worse for it--on the contrary, I was +always better afterwards. But so great a blessing, what harm can +it do? The outward effects are so plain as to leave no doubt +possible that there must have been some great cause, seeing that +it thus robs us of our bodily powers with so much joy, in order +to leave them greater. + +16. The truth is, it passes away so quickly in the beginning--at +least, so it was with me--that neither by the outward signs, nor +by the failure of the senses, can it be perceived when it passes +so quickly away. But it is plain, from the overflowing abundance +of grace, that the brightness of the sun which had shone there +must have been great, seeing that it has thus made the soul to +melt away. And this is to be considered; for, as it seems to me, +the period of time, however long it may have been, during which +the faculties of the soul were entranced, is very short; if half +an hour, that would be a long time. I do not think that I have +ever been so long. [7] The truth of the matter is this: it is +extremely difficult to know how long, because the senses are in +suspense; but I think that at any time it cannot be very long +before some one of the faculties recovers itself. It is the will +that persists in the work; the other two faculties quickly begin +to molest it. As the will is calm, it entrances them again; they +are quiet for another moment, and then they recover themselves +once more. + +17. In this way, some hours may be, and are, passed in prayer; +for when the two faculties begin to drink deep, and to perceive +the taste of this divine wine, they give themselves up with great +readiness, in order to be the more absorbed: they follow the +will, and the three rejoice together. But this state of complete +absorption, together with the utter rest of the imagination,--for +I believe that even the imagination is then wholly at +rest,--lasts only for a short time; though the faculties do not +so completely recover themselves as not to be for some hours +afterwards as if in disorder: God, from time to time, drawing +them to Himself. + +18. Let us now come to that which the soul feels interiorly. +Let him describe it who knows it; for as it is impossible to +understand it, much more is it so to describe it. When I +purposed to write this, I had just communicated, and had risen +from the very prayer of which I am speaking. I am thinking of +what the soul was then doing. Our Lord said to me: It undoes +itself utterly, My daughter, in order that it may give itself +more and more to Me: it is not itself that then lives, it is I. +As it cannot comprehend what it understands, it understands by +not understanding. [8] + +19. He who has had experience of this will understand it in some +measure, for it cannot be more clearly described, because what +then takes place is so obscure. All I am able to say is, that +the soul is represented as being close to God; and that there +abides a conviction thereof so certain and strong, that it cannot +possibly help believing so. All the faculties fail now, and are +suspended in such a way that, as I said before, [9] their +operations cannot be traced. If the soul is making a meditation +on any subject, the memory of it is lost at once, just as if it +had never been thought of. If it reads, what is read is not +remembered nor dwelt upon; neither is it otherwise with vocal +prayer. Accordingly, the restless little butterfly of the memory +has its wings burnt now, and it cannot fly. The will must be +fully occupied in loving, but it understands not how it loves; +the understanding, if it understands, does not understand how it +understands--at least, it can comprehend nothing of that it +understands: it does not understand, as it seems to me, because, +as I said just now, this cannot be understood. I do not +understand it at all myself. + +20. In the beginning, it happened to me that I was ignorant of +one thing--I did not know that God was in all things: [10] and +when He seemed to me to be so near, I thought it impossible. +Not to believe that He was present, was not in my power; for it +seemed to me, as it were, evident that I felt there His very +presence. Some unlearned men used to say to me, that He was +present only by His grace. I could not believe that, because, as +I am saying, He seemed to me to be present Himself: so I was +distressed. A most learned man, of the Order of the glorious +Patriarch St. Dominic, delivered me from this doubt; for he told +me that He was present, and how He communed with us: this was a +great comfort to me. + +21. It is to be observed and understood that this water from +heaven,--this greatest grace of our Lord--always leaves in the +soul the greatest fruits, as I shall now show. + +1. See ch. xi. § 11. + +2. Ch. xvi. §§ 7, 8. + +3. Ch. xvii. § 5. + +4. § 3. + +5. See ch. xx. § 10; and Relation, viii. § 10. + +6. See ch. xiv. § 12. + +7. See Anton. a Sp. Sancto, Director. Mystic. tr. iv. § 9, n. 72. + +8. Thomas à Jesu, De Contemplatione Divina, lib. v. c. xiii.: +"Quasi dicat: cum intellectus non possit Dei immensam illam +claritatem et incomprehensibilem plenitudinem comprehendere, hoc +ipsum est illam conspicere ac intelligere, intelligere se non +posse intellectu cognoscere: quod quidem nihil aliud est quam +Deum sub ratione incomprehensibilitatis videre ac cognoscere." + +Philip. à SS. Trinitate, Theolog. Mystic. Disc. Proem. art. +iv. p. 6: "Cum ipsa [S. Teresa] scire vellet, quid in illa +mystica unione operaretur intellectus, respondit [Christus] illi, +cum non possit comprehendere quod intelligit, est non intelligere +intelligendo: tum quia præ claritate nimia quodammodo offuscatur +intellectus, unde præ altissima et supereminentissima Dei +cognitione videtur anima potius Deum ignorare quam cognoscere." + +9. Ch. x. § 1, and ch. xviii. § 16. + +10. See Inner Fortress, v. ch. i. § 11. + + + +Chapter XIX. + + +The Effects of This Fourth State of Prayer. Earnest Exhortations +to Those Who Have Attained to It Not to Go Back, Nor to Cease +from Prayer, Even if They Fall. The Great Calamity of +Going Back. + + +1. There remains in the soul, when the prayer of union is over, +an exceedingly great tenderness; so much so, that it would undo +itself--not from pain, but through tears of joy it finds itself +bathed therein, without being aware of it, and it knows not how +or when it wept them. But to behold the violence of the fire +subdued by the water, which yet makes it burn the more, gives it +great delight. It seems as if I were speaking an unknown +language. So it is, however. + +2. It has happened to me occasionally, when this prayer was over, +to be so beside myself as not to know whether I had been +dreaming, or whether the bliss I felt had really been mine; and, +on finding myself in a flood of tears--which had painlessly +flowed, with such violence and rapidity that it seemed as if a +cloud from heaven [1] had shed them--to perceive that it was no +dream. Thus it was with me in the beginning, when it passed +quickly away. The soul remains possessed of so much courage, +that if it were now hewn in pieces for God, it would be a great +consolation to it. This is the time of resolutions, of heroic +determinations, of the living energy of good desires, of the +beginning of hatred of the world, and of the most clear +perception of its vanity. The soul makes greater and higher +progress than it ever made before in the previous states of +prayer; and grows in humility more and more, because it sees +clearly that neither for obtaining nor for retaining this grace, +great beyond all measure, has it ever done, or ever been able to +do, anything of itself. It looks upon itself as most +unworthy--for in a room into which the sunlight enters strongly, +not a cobweb can be hid; it sees its own misery; self-conceit is +so far away, that it seems as if it never could have had any--for +now its own eyes behold how very little it could ever do, or +rather, that it never did anything, that it hardly gave even its +own consent, but that it rather seemed as if the doors of the +senses were closed against its will in order that it might have +more abundantly the fruition of our Lord. It is abiding alone +with Him: what has it to do but to love Him? It neither sees nor +hears, unless on compulsion: no thanks to it. Its past life +stands before it then, together with the great mercy of God, in +great distinctness; and it is not necessary for it to go forth to +hunt with the understanding, because what it has to eat and +ruminate upon, it sees now ready prepared. It sees, so far as +itself is concerned, that it has deserved hell, and that its +punishment is bliss. It undoes itself in the praises of God, and +I would gladly undo myself now. + +3. Blessed be Thou, O my Lord, who, out of a pool so filthy as I +am, bringest forth water so clean as to be meet for Thy table! +Praised be Thou, O Joy of the Angels, who hast been thus pleased +to exalt so vile a worm! + +4. The good effects of this prayer abide in the soul for some +time. Now that it clearly apprehends that the fruit is not its +own, the soul can begin to share it with others, and that without +any loss to itself. It begins to show signs of its being a soul +that is guarding the treasures of heaven, and to be desirous of +communicating them to others, [2] and to pray to God that itself +may not be the only soul that is rich in them. It begins to +benefit its neighbours, as it were, without being aware of it, or +doing anything consciously: its neighbours understand the matter, +because the odour of the flowers has grown so strong as to make +them eager to approach them. They understand that this soul is +full of virtue: they see the fruit, how delicious it is, and they +wish to help that soul to eat it. + +5. If this ground be well dug by troubles, by persecutions, +detractions, and infirmities,--they are few who ascend so high +without this,--if it be well broken up by great detachment from +all self-interest, it will drink in so much water that it can +hardly ever be parched again. But if it be ground which is mere +waste, and covered with thorns (as I was when I began); if the +occasions of sin be not avoided; if it be an ungrateful soil, +unfitted for so great a grace,--it will be parched up again. +If the gardener become careless,--and if our Lord, out of His +mere goodness, will not send down rain upon it,--the garden is +ruined. Thus has it been with me more than once, so that I am +amazed at it; and if I had not found it so by experience, I could +not have believed it. + +6. I write this for the comfort of souls which are weak, as I am, +that they may never despair, nor cease to trust in the power of +God; even if they should fall after our Lord has raised them to +so high a degree of prayer as this is, they must not be +discouraged, unless they would lose themselves utterly. +Tears gain everything, and one drop of water attracts another. + +7. One of the reasons that move me, who am what I am, under +obedience to write this, and give an account of my wretched life, +and of the graces our Lord has wrought in me,--though I never +served Him, but offended Him rather,--is what I have just given: +and, certainly, I wish I was a person of great authority, that +people might believe what I say. I pray to our Lord that His +Majesty would be pleased to grant me this grace. I repeat it, +let no one who has begun to give himself to prayer be +discouraged, and say: If I fall into sin, it will be worse for me +if I go on now with the practice of prayer. I think so too, if +he gives up prayer, and does not correct his evil ways; but if he +does not give up prayer, let him be assured of this--prayer will +bring him to the haven of light. + +8. In this the devil turned his batteries against me, and I +suffered so much because I thought it showed but little humility +if I persevered in prayer when I was so wicked, that--as I have +already said [3]--I gave it up for a year and a half--at least, +for a year, but I do not remember distinctly the other six +months. This could not have been, neither was it, anything else +but to throw myself down into hell; there was no need of any +devils to drag me thither. O my God, was there ever blindness so +great as this? How well Satan prepares his measures for his +purpose, when he pursues us in this way! The traitor knows that +he has already lost that soul which perseveres in prayer, and +that every fall which he can bring about helps it, by the +goodness of God, to make greater progress in His service. +Satan has some interest in this. + +9. O my Jesus, what a sight that must be--a soul so highly +exalted falling into sin, and raised up again by Thee; who, in +Thy mercy, stretchest forth Thine hand to save! How such a soul +confesses Thy greatness and compassion and its own wretchedness! +It really looks on itself as nothingness, and confesses Thy +power. It dares not lift up its eyes; it raises them, indeed, +but it is to acknowledge how much it oweth unto Thee. It becomes +devout to the Queen of Heaven, that she may propitiate Thee; it +invokes the Saints, who fell after Thou hadst called them, for +succour. Thou seemest now to be too bountiful in Thy gifts, +because it feels itself to be unworthy of the earth it treads on. +It has recourse to the Sacraments, to a quickened faith, which +abides in it at the contemplation of the power which Thou hast +lodged in them. It praises Thee because Thou hast left us such +medicines and ointment for our wounds, which not only heal them +on the surface, but remove all traces whatever of them. + +10. The soul is amazed at it. Who is there, O Lord of my soul, +that is not amazed at compassion so great and mercy so +surpassing, after treason so foul and so hateful? I know not how +it is that my heart does not break when I write this, for I am +wicked. With these scanty tears which I am now weeping, but yet +Thy gift,--water out of a well, so far as it is mine, so +impure,--I seem to make Thee some recompense for treachery so +great as mine, in that I was always doing evil, labouring to make +void the graces Thou hast given me. Do Thou, O Lord, make my +tears available; purify the water which is so muddy; at least, +let me not be to others a temptation to rash judgments, as I have +been to myself, when I used to think such thoughts as these. +Why, O Lord, dost Thou pass by most holy persons, who have always +served Thee, and who have been tried; who have been brought up in +religion, and are really religious--not such as I am, having only +the name--so as to make it plain that they are not recipients of +those graces which Thou hast bestowed upon me? + +11. I see clearly now, O Thou my Good, Thou hast kept the reward +to give it them all at once: my weakness has need of these +succours. They, being strong, serve Thee without them, and Thou +dealest with them as with a strong race, free from all +self-interest. But yet Thou knowest, O my Lord, that I have +often cried unto Thee, making excuses for those who murmured +against me; for I thought they had reason on their side. This I +did then when Thou of Thy goodness hadst kept me back from +offending Thee so much, and when I was departing from everything +which I thought displeasing unto Thee. It was when I did this +that Thou, O Lord, didst begin to lay open Thy treasures for Thy +servant. It seemed as if Thou wert looking for nothing else but +that I should be willing and ready to receive them; accordingly, +Thou didst begin at once, not only to give them, but also to make +others know that Thou wert giving them. + +12. When this was known, there began to prevail a good opinion of +her, of whom all had not yet clearly understood how wicked she +was, though much of that wickedness was plain enough. Calumny and +persecution began at once, and, as I think, with good reason; so +I looked on none of them as an enemy, but made my supplications +to Thee, imploring Thee to consider the grounds they had. +They said that I wished to be a saint, and that I invented +novelties; but I had not then attained in many things even to the +observance of my rule; nor had I come near those excellent and +holy nuns who were in the house,--and I do not believe I ever +shall, if God of His goodness will not do that for me Himself; on +the contrary, I was there only to do away with what was good, and +introduce customs which were not good; at least, I did what I +could to bring them in, and I was very powerful for evil. +Thus it was that they were blameless, when they blamed me. I do +not mean the nuns only, but the others as well: they told me +truths; for it was Thy will. + +13. I was once saying the Office,--I had had this temptation for +some time,--and when I came to these words, "Justus es, Domine, +et rectum judicium tuum," [4] I began to think what a deep truth +it was. Satan never was strong enough to tempt me in any way to +doubt of Thy goodness, or of any article of the faith: on the +contrary, it seems to me that the more these truths were above +nature, the more firmly I held them, and my devotion grew; when I +thought of Thy omnipotence, I accepted all Thy wonderful works, +and I say it again, I never had a doubt. Then, as I was thinking +how it could be just in Thee to allow so many, who, as I said, +are Thy most faithful servants, to remain without those +consolations and graces which Thou hast given to me, who am what +I am, Thou, O my Lord, didst answer me: Serve thou Me, and meddle +not with this. + +14. This was the first word which I ever heard Thee speak to me, +and it made me greatly afraid. But as I shall speak +hereafter [5] of this way of hearing, and of other matters, I say +nothing here; for to do so would be to digress from my subject, +and I have already made digressions enough. I scarcely know what +I have said, nor can it be otherwise; but you, my father, must +bear with these interruptions; for when I consider what God must +have borne with from me, and when I see the state I am in, it is +not strange that I should wander in what I am saying, and what I +have still to say. + +15. May it please our Lord that my wanderings may be of this +kind, and may His Majesty never suffer me to have strength to +resist Him even in the least; yea, rather than that, may He +destroy me this moment. It is evidence enough of His great +compassions, that He has forgiven so much ingratitude, not once, +but often. He forgave St. Peter once; but I have been forgiven +many times. Satan had good reasons for tempting me: I ought +never to have pretended to a strict friendship with One, my +hatred of whom I made so public. Was there ever blindness so +great as mine? Where could I think I should find help but in +Thee? What folly to run away from the light, to be for ever +stumbling! What a proud humility was that which Satan devised +for me, when I ceased to lean upon the pillar, and threw the +staff away which supported me, in order that my fall might not +be great! [6] + +16. I make the sign of the cross this moment. I do not think I +ever escaped so great a danger as this device of Satan, which he +would have imposed upon me in the disguise of humility. [7] +He filled me with such thoughts as these: How could I make my +prayer, who was so wicked, and yet had received so many mercies? +It was enough for me to recite the Office, as all others did; but +as I did not that much well, how could I desire to do more? +I was not reverential enough, and made too little of the mercies +of God. There was no harm in these thoughts and feelings in +themselves; but to act upon them, that was an exceedingly great +wickedness. Blessed be Thou, O Lord; for Thou camest to my help. +This seems to me to be in principle the temptation of Judas, only +that Satan did not dare to tempt me so openly. But he might have +led me by little and little, as he led Judas, to the same pit +of destruction. + +17. Let all those who give themselves to prayer, for the love of +God, look well to this. They should know that when I was +neglecting it, my life was much worse than it had ever been; let +them reflect on the excellent help and the pleasant humility +which Satan provided for me: it was a grave interior disquietude. +But how could my spirit be quiet? It was going away in its +misery from its true rest. I remembered the graces and mercies I +had received, and felt that the joys of this world were +loathsome. I am astonished that I was able to bear it. It must +have been the hope I had; for, as well as I can remember now, it +is more than twenty-one years ago. I do not think I ever gave up +my purpose of resuming my prayer; but I was waiting to be very +free from sin first. + +18. Oh, how deluded I was in this expectation! The devil would +have held it out before me till the day of judgment, that he +might then take me with him to hell. Then, when I applied myself +to prayer and to spiritual reading,--whereby I might perceive +these truths, and the evil nature of the way I was walking in, +and was often importunate with our Lord in tears,--I was so +wicked, that it availed me nothing; when I gave that up, and +wasted my time in amusing myself, in great danger of falling into +sin, and with scanty helps,--and I may venture to say no help at +all, unless it was a help to my ruin,--what could I expect but +that of which I have spoken? + +19. I believe that a certain Dominican friar, a most learned man, +has greatly merited in the eyes of God; for it was he who roused +me from this slumber. He made me--I think I said so +before [8]--go to Communion once a fortnight, and be less given +to evil; I began to be converted, though I did not cease to +offend our Lord all at once: however, as I had not lost my way, I +walked on in it, though slowly, falling and rising again; and he +who does not cease to walk and press onwards, arrives at last, +even if late. To lose one's way is--so it seems to me--nothing +else but the giving up of prayer. God, of His mercy, keeps us +from this! + +20. It is clear from this,--and, for the love of God, consider it +well,--that a soul, though it may receive great graces from God +in prayer, must never rely on itself, because it may fall, nor +expose itself in any way whatever to any risks of sin. This +should be well considered because much depends on it; for the +delusion here, wherein Satan is able to entangle us afterwards, +though the grace be really from God, lies in the traitor's making +use of that very grace, so far as he can, for his own purpose, +and particularly against persons not grown strong in virtues, who +are neither mortified nor detached; for these are not at present +strong enough--as I shall explain hereafter [9]--to expose +themselves to dangerous occasions, notwithstanding the noble +desires and resolutions they may have. + +21. This doctrine is excellent, and not mine, but the teaching of +God, and accordingly I wish ignorant people like myself knew it; +for even if a soul were in this state, it must not rely so much +upon itself as to go forth to the battle, because it will have +enough to do in defending itself. Defensive armour is the +present necessity; the soul is not yet strong enough to assail +Satan, and to trample him under foot, as those are who are in the +state of which I shall speak further on. [10] + +22. This is the delusion by which Satan prevails: when a soul +sees itself so near unto God, when it sees the difference there +is between the things of heaven and those of earth, and when it +sees the love which our Lord bears it, there grows out of that +love a certain trust and confidence that there is to be no +falling away from that the fruition of which it then possesses. +It seems to see the reward distinctly, as if it were impossible +for it to abandon that which, even in this life, is so delicious +and sweet, for anything so mean and impure as worldly joy. +Through this confidence, Satan robs it of that distrust which it +ought to have in itself; and so, as I have just said, [11] the +soul exposes itself to dangers, and begins, in the fulness of its +zeal, to give away without discretion the fruit of its garden, +thinking that now it has no reason to be afraid for itself. +Yet this does not come out of pride; for the soul clearly +understands that of itself it can do no good thing; but rather +out of an excessive confidence in God, without discretion: +because the soul does not see itself to be unfledged. It can go +forth out of its nest, and God Himself may take it out, but still +it cannot fly, because the virtues are not strong, and itself has +no experience wherewith to discern the dangers; nor is it aware +of the evil which trusting to itself may do it. + +23. This it was that ruined me. Now, to understand this, and +everything else in the spiritual life, we have great need of a +director, and of conference with spiritual persons. I fully +believe, with respect to that soul which God raises to this +state, that He will not cease to be gracious to it, nor suffer it +to be lost, if it does not utterly forsake His Majesty. But when +that soul--as I said--falls, let it look to it again and again, +for the love of our Lord, that Satan deceive it not by tempting +it to give up prayer, as he tempted me, through that false +humility of which I have spoken before, [12] and would gladly +speak of again and again. Let it rely on the goodness of God, +which is greater than all the evil we can do. When we, +acknowledging our own vileness, desire to return into His grace, +He remembers our ingratitude no more,--no, not even the graces He +has given us, for the purpose of chastising us, because of our +misuse of them; yea, rather, they help to procure our pardon the +sooner, as of persons who have been members of His household, and +who, as they say, have eaten of His bread. + +24. Let them remember His words, and behold what He hath done +unto me, who grew weary of sinning before He grew weary of +forgiving. He is never weary of giving, nor can His compassion +be exhausted. Let us not grow weary ourselves of receiving. +May He be blessed for ever, Amen; and may all created things +praise Him! + + +1. See ch. xx. § 2. + +2. See ch. xvii. § 3. + +3. Ch. vii. § 17, and ch. viii. § 5. + +4. Psalm cxviii. 137: "Thou art just, O Lord, and Thy judgment +is right." + +5. See ch. xxv. + +6. See ch. viii. § 1. + +7. Ch. vii. § 17. + +8. Ch. vii. § 27. + +9. Ch. xxxi. § 21. + +10. Ch. xx. § 33, and ch. xxv. § 24. + +11. Ch. xix. § 4. + +12. See § 16. + + + +Chapter XX. + + +The Difference Between Union and Rapture. What Rapture Is. +The Blessing It Is to the Soul. The Effects of It. + + +1. I wish I could explain, with the help of God, wherein union +differs from rapture, or from transport, or from flight of the +spirit, as they speak, or from a trance, which are all one. [1] +I mean, that all these are only different names for that one and +the same thing, which is also called ecstasy. [2] It is more +excellent than union, the fruits of it are much greater, and its +other operations more manifold; for union is uniform in the +beginning, the middle, and the end, and is so also interiorly. +But as raptures have ends of a much higher kind, they produce +effects both within and without. [3] As our Lord has explained +the other matters, so also may He explain this; for certainly, if +He had not shown me in what way and by what means this +explanation was in some measure possible, I should never have +been able to do it. + +2. Consider we now that this last water, of which I am speaking, +is so abundant that, were it not that the ground refuses to +receive it, we might suppose that the cloud of His great Majesty +is here raining down upon us on earth. And when we are giving +Him thanks for this great mercy, drawing near to Him in earnest, +with all our might, then it is our Lord draws up the soul, as the +clouds, so to speak, gather the mists from the face of the earth, +and carries it away out of itself,--I have heard it said that the +clouds, or the sun, draw the mists together, [4]--and as a cloud, +rising up to heaven, takes the soul with Him, and begins to show +it the treasures of the kingdom which He has prepared for it. +I know not whether the comparison be accurate or not; but the +fact is, that is the way in which it is brought about. +During rapture, the soul does not seem to animate the body, the +natural heat of which is perceptibly lessened; the coldness +increases, though accompanied with exceeding joy +and sweetness. [5] + +3. A rapture is absolutely irresistible; whilst union, inasmuch +as we are then on our own ground, may be hindered, though that +resistance be painful and violent; it is, however, almost always +impossible. But rapture, for the most part, is irresistible. +It comes, in general, as a shock, quick and sharp, before you can +collect your thoughts, or help yourself in any way, and you see +and feel it as a cloud, or a strong eagle rising upwards, and +carrying you away on its wings. + +4. I repeat it: you feel and see yourself carried away, you know +not whither. For though we feel how delicious it is, yet the +weakness of our nature makes us afraid at first, and we require a +much more resolute and courageous spirit than in the previous +states, in order to risk everything, come what may, and to +abandon ourselves into the hands of God, and go willingly whither +we are carried, seeing that we must be carried away, however +painful it may be; and so trying is it, that I would very often +resist, and exert all my strength, particularly at those times +when the rapture was coming on me in public. I did so, too, very +often when I was alone, because I was afraid of delusions. +Occasionally I was able, by great efforts, to make a slight +resistance; but afterwards I was worn out, like a person who had +been contending with a strong giant; at other times it was +impossible to resist at all: my soul was carried away, and almost +always my head with it,--I had no power over it,--and now and +then the whole body as well, so that it was lifted up from +the ground. + +5. This has not happened to me often: once, however, it took +place when we were all together in choir, and I, on my knees, on +the point of communicating. It was a very sore distress to me; +for I thought it a most extraordinary thing, and was afraid it +would occasion much talk; so I commanded the nuns--for it +happened after I was made Prioress--never to speak of it. But at +other times, the moment I felt that our Lord was about to repeat +the act, and once, in particular, during a sermon,--it was the +feast of our house, some great ladies being present,--I threw +myself on the ground; then the nuns came around me to hold me; +but still the rapture was observed. + +6. I made many supplications to our Lord, that He would be +pleased to give me no more of those graces which were outwardly +visible; for I was weary of living under such great restraint, +and because His Majesty could not bestow such graces on me +without their becoming known. It seems that, of His goodness, He +has been pleased to hear my prayer; for I have never been +enraptured since. It is true that it was not long ago. [6] + +7. It seemed to me, when I tried to make some resistance, as if a +great force beneath my feet lifted me up. I know of nothing with +which to compare it; but it was much more violent than the other +spiritual visitations, and I was therefore as one ground to +pieces; for it is a great struggle, and, in short, of little use, +whenever our Lord so wills it. There is no power against +His power. + +8. At other times He is pleased to be satisfied when He makes us +see that He is ready to give us this grace, and that it is not He +that withholds it. Then, when we resist it out of humility, He +produces those very effects which would have resulted if we had +fully consented to it. + +9. The effects of rapture are great: one is that the mighty power +of our Lord is manifested; and as we are not strong enough, when +His Majesty wills it, to control either soul or body, so neither +have we any power over it; but, whether we like it or not, we see +that there is one mightier than we are, that these graces are His +gifts, and that of ourselves we can do nothing whatever; and +humility is deeply imprinted in us. And further, I confess that +it threw me into great fear, very great indeed at first; for when +I saw my body thus lifted up from the earth, how could I help it? +Though the spirit draws it upwards after itself, and that with +great sweetness, if unresisted, the senses are not lost; at +least, I was so much myself as to be able to see that I was being +lifted up. The majesty of Him who can effect this so manifests +itself, that the hairs of my head stand upright, [7] and a great +fear comes upon me of offending God, who is so mighty. This fear +is bound up in exceedingly great love, which is acquired anew, +and directed to Him, who, we see, bears so great a love to a worm +so vile, and who seems not to be satisfied with attracting the +soul to Himself in so real a way, but who will have the body +also, though it be mortal and of earth so foul, such as it is +through our sins, which are so great. + +10. Rapture leaves behind a certain strange detachment also, +which I shall never be able to describe; I think I can say that +it is in some respects different from--yea, higher than--the +other graces, which are simply spiritual; for though these effect +a complete detachment in spirit from all things, it seems that in +this of rapture our Lord would have the body itself to be +detached also: and thus a certain singular estrangement from the +things of earth is wrought, which makes life much more +distressing. Afterwards it causes a pain, which we can never +inflict of ourselves, nor remove when once it has come. + +11. I should like very much to explain this great pain, and I +believe I shall not be able; however, I will say something if I +can. And it is to be observed that this is my present state, and +one to which I have been brought very lately, after all the +visions and revelations of which I shall speak, and after that +time, wherein I gave myself to prayer, in which our Lord gave me +so much sweetness and delight. [8] Even now I have that +sweetness occasionally; but it is the pain of which I speak that +is the most frequent and the most common. It varies in its +intensity. I will now speak of it when it is sharpest; for I +shall speak later on [9] of the great shocks I used to feel when +our Lord would throw me into those trances, and which are, in my +opinion, as different from this pain as the most corporeal thing +is from the most spiritual; and I believe that I am not +exaggerating much. For though the soul feels that pain, it is in +company with the body; [10] both soul and body apparently share +it, and it is not attended with that extremity of abandonment +which belongs to this. + +12. As I said before, [11] we have no part in causing this pain; +but very often there springs up a desire unexpectedly,--I know +not how it comes,--and because of this desire, which pierces the +soul in a moment, the soul begins to be wearied, so much so that +it rises upwards above itself, and above all created things. God +then so strips it of everything, that, do what it may, there is +nothing on earth that can be its companion. Neither, indeed, +would it wish to have any; it would rather die in that +loneliness. If people spoke to it, and if itself made every +effort possible to speak, it would be of little use: the spirit, +notwithstanding all it may do, cannot be withdrawn from that +loneliness; and though God seems, as it were, far away from the +soul at that moment, yet He reveals His grandeurs at times in the +strangest way conceivable. That way is indescribable; I do not +think any one can believe or comprehend it who has not previously +had experience of it. It is a communication made, not to +console, but to show the reason why the soul must be weary; +because it is far away from the Good which in itself comprehends +all good. + +13. In this communication the desire grows, so also does the +bitterness of that loneliness wherein the soul beholds itself, +suffering a pain so sharp and piercing that, in that very +loneliness in which it dwells, it may literally say of +itself,--and perhaps the royal prophet said so, being in that +very loneliness himself, except that our Lord may have granted to +him, being a saint, to feel it more deeply,--"Vigilavi, et factus +sum sicut passer solitarius in tecto." [12] These words +presented themselves to me in such a way that I thought I saw +them fulfilled in myself. It was a comfort to know that others +had felt this extreme loneliness; how much greater my comfort, +when these persons were such as David was! The soul is then--so +I think--not in itself, but on the house-top, or on the roof, +above itself, and above all created things; for it seems to me to +have its dwelling higher than even in the highest part of itself. + +14. On other occasions, the soul seems to be, as it were, in the +utmost extremity of need, asking itself, and saying, "Where is +Thy God?" [13] And it is to be remembered, that I did not know +how to express in Spanish the meaning of those words. +Afterwards, when I understood what it was, I used to console +myself with the thought, that our Lord, without any effort of +mine, had made me remember them. At other times, I used to +recollect a saying of St. Paul's, to the effect that he was +crucified to the world. [14] I do not mean that this is true of +me: I know it is not; but I think it is the state of the +enraptured soul. No consolation reaches it from heaven, and it +is not there itself; it wishes for none from earth, and it is not +there either; but it is, as it were, crucified between heaven and +earth, enduring its passion: receiving no succour from either. + +15. Now, the succour it receives from heaven--which, as I have +said, [15] is a most marvellous knowledge of God, above all that +we can desire--brings with it greater pain; for the desire then +so grows, that, in my opinion, its intense painfulness now and +then robs the soul of all sensation; only, it lasts but for a +short time after the senses are suspended. It seems as if it +were the point of death; only, the agony carries with it so great +a joy, that I know of nothing wherewith to compare it. It is a +sharp martyrdom, full of sweetness; for if any earthly thing be +then offered to the soul, even though it may be that which it +habitually found most sweet, the soul will have none of it; yea, +it seems to throw it away at once. The soul sees distinctly that +it seeks nothing but God; yet its love dwells not on any +attribute of Him in particular; it seeks Him as He is, and knows +not what it seeks. I say that it knows not, because the +imagination forms no representation whatever; and, indeed, as I +think, during much of that time the faculties are at rest. +Pain suspends them then, as joy suspends them in union and in +a trance. + +16. O Jesus! oh, that some one would clearly explain this to you, +my father, were it only that you may tell me what it means, +because this is the habitual state of my soul! Generally, when I +am not particularly occupied, I fall into these agonies of death, +and I tremble when I feel them coming on, because they are not +unto death. But when I am in them, I then wish to spend therein +all the rest of my life, though the pain be so very great, that I +can scarcely endure it. Sometimes my pulse ceases, as it were, +to beat at all,--so the sisters say, who sometimes approach me, +and who now understand the matter better,--my bones are racked, +and my hands become so rigid, that I cannot always join them. +Even on the following day I have a pain in my wrists, and over my +whole body, as if my bones were out of joint. [16] Well, I think +sometimes, if it continues as at present, that it will end, in +the good pleasure of our Lord, by putting an end to my life; for +the pain seems to me sharp enough to cause death; only, I do not +deserve it. + +17. All my anxiety at these times is that I should die: I do not +think of purgatory, nor of the great sins I have committed, and +by which I have deserved hell. I forget everything in my +eagerness to see God; and this abandonment and loneliness seem +preferable to any company in the world. If anything can be a +consolation in this state, it is to speak to one who has passed +through this trial, seeing that, though the soul may complain of +it, no one seems disposed to believe in it. + +18. The soul is tormented also because the pain has increased so +much, that it seeks solitude no longer, as it did before, nor +companionship, unless it be that of those to whom it may make its +complaint. It is now like a person, who, having a rope around +his neck, and being strangled, tries to breathe. This desire of +companionship seems to me to proceed from our weakness; for, as +pain brings with it the risk of death,--which it certainly does; +for I have been occasionally in danger of death, in my great +sickness and infirmities, as I have said before, [17] and I think +I may say that this pain is as great as any,--so the desire not +to be parted, which possesses soul and body, is that which raises +the cry for succour in order to breathe, and by speaking of it, +by complaining, and distracting itself, causes the soul to seek +means of living very much against the will of the spirit, or the +higher part of the soul, which would not wish to be delivered +from this pain. + +19. I am not sure that I am correct in what I say, nor do I know +how to express myself, but to the best of my knowledge it comes +to pass in this way. See, my father, what rest I can have in +this life, now that what I once had in prayer and +loneliness--therein our Lord used to comfort me--has become in +general a torment of this kind; while, at the same time, it is so +full of sweetness, that the soul, discerning its inestimable +worth, prefers it to all those consolations which it formerly +had. It seems also to be a safer state, because it is the way of +the cross; and involves, in my opinion, a joy of exceeding worth, +because the state of the body in it is only pain. It is the soul +that suffers and exults alone in that joy and contentment which +suffering supplies. + +20. I know not how this can be, but so it is; it comes from the +hand of our Lord, and, as I said before, [18] is not anything +that I have acquired myself, because it is exceedingly +supernatural, and I think I would not barter it for all the +graces of which I shall speak further on: I do not say for all of +them together, but for any one of them separately. And it must +not be forgotten that, as I have just said, these impetuosities +came upon me after I had received those graces from our Lord [19] +which I am speaking of now, and all those described in this book, +and it is in this state our Lord keeps me at this moment. [20] + +21. In the beginning I was afraid--it happens to me to be almost +always so when our Lord leads me by a new way, until His Majesty +reassures me as I proceed--and so our Lord bade me not to fear, +but to esteem this grace more than all the others He had given +me; for the soul was purified by this pain--burnished, or refined +as gold in the crucible, so that it might be the better enamelled +with His gifts, and the dross burnt away in this life, which +would have to be burnt away in purgatory. + +22. I understood perfectly that this pain was a great grace; but +I was much more certain of it now and my confessor tells me I did +well. And though I was afraid, because I was so wicked, I never +could believe it was anything wrong: on the other hand, the +exceeding greatness of the blessing made me afraid, when I called +to mind how little I had deserved it. Blessed be our Lord, who +is so good! Amen. + +23. I have, it seems, wandered from my subject; for I began by +speaking of raptures, and that of which I have been speaking is +even more than a rapture, and the effects of it are what I have +described. Now let us return to raptures, and speak of their +ordinary characteristics. I have to say that, when the rapture +was over, my body seemed frequently to be buoyant, as if all +weight had departed from it; so much so, that now and then I +scarcely knew that my feet touched the ground. But during the +rapture itself the body is very often as if it were dead, +perfectly powerless. It continues in the position it was in when +the rapture came upon it--if sitting, sitting; if the hands were +open, or if they were shut, they will remain open or shut. [21] +For though the senses fail but rarely, it has happened to me +occasionally to lose them wholly--seldom, however, and then only +for a short time. But in general they are in disorder; and +though they have no power whatever to deal with outward things, +there remains the power of hearing and seeing; but it is as if +the things heard and seen were at a great distance, far away. + +24. I do not say that the soul sees and hears when the rapture is +at the highest,--I mean by at the highest, when the faculties are +lost, because profoundly united with God,--for then it neither +sees, nor hears, nor perceives, as I believe; but, as I said of +the previous prayer of union, [22] this utter transformation of +the soul in God continues only for an instant; yet while it +continues no faculty of the soul is aware of it, or knows what is +passing there. Nor can it be understood while we are living on +the earth--at least, God will not have us understand it, because +we must be incapable of understanding it. I know it +by experience. + +25. You, my father, will ask me: How comes it, then, that a +rapture occasionally lasts so many hours? What has often +happened to me is this,--I spoke of it before, when writing of +the previous state of prayer, [23]--the rapture is not +continuous, the soul is frequently absorbed, or, to speak more +correctly, our Lord absorbs it in Himself; and when He has held +it thus for a moment, the will alone remains in union with Him. +The movements of the two other faculties seem to me to be like +those of the needle of sun-dials, which is never at rest; yet +when the Sun of Justice will have it so, He can hold it still. + +26. This I speak of lasts but a moment; yet, as the impulse and +the upraising of the spirit were vehement, and though the other +faculties bestir themselves again, the will continues absorbed, +and causes this operation in the body, as if it were the absolute +mistress; for now that the two other faculties are restless, and +attempt to disturb it, it takes care--for if it is to have +enemies, the fewer the better--that the senses also shall not +trouble it: and thus it comes to pass that the senses are +suspended; for so our Lord wills it. And for the most part the +eyes are closed, though we may not wish to close them; and if +occasionally they remain open, as I said just now, the soul +neither discerns nor considers what it sees. + +27. What the body then can do here is still less in order that, +when the faculties come together again, there may not be so much +to do. Let him, therefore, to whom our Lord has granted this +grace, be not discouraged when he finds himself in this +state--the body under constraint for many hours, the +understanding and the memory occasionally astray. The truth is +that, in general, they are inebriated with the praises of God, or +with searching to comprehend or understand that which has passed +over them. And yet even for this they are not thoroughly awake, +but are rather like one who has slept long, and dreamed, and is +hardly yet awake. + +28. I dwell so long on this point because I know that there are +persons now, even in this place, [24] to whom our Lord is +granting these graces; and if their directors have had no +experience in the matter, they will think, perhaps, that they +must be as dead persons during the trance--and they will think so +the more if they have no learning. It is piteous to see what +those confessors who do not understand this make people suffer. +I shall speak of it by and by. [25] Perhaps I do not know what I +am saying. You, my father, will understand it, if I am at all +correct; for our Lord has admitted you to the experience of it: +yet, because that experience is not very great, it may be, +perhaps, that you have not considered the matter so much as I +have done. + +29. So then, though I do all I can, my body has no strength to +move for some time; the soul took it all away. Very often, too, +he who was before sickly and full of pain remains healthy, and +even stronger; for it is something great that is given to the +soul in rapture; and sometimes, as I have said already, [26] our +Lord will have the body rejoice, because it is obedient in that +which the soul requires of it. When we recover our +consciousness, the faculties may remain, if the rapture has been +deep, for a day or two, and even for three days, so absorbed, or +as if stunned,--so much so, as to be in appearance no +longer themselves. + +30. Here comes the pain of returning to this life; here it is the +wings of the soul grew, to enable it to fly so high: the weak +feathers are fallen off. Now the standard of Christ is raised up +aloft, which seems to be nothing else but the going up, or the +carrying up, of the Captain of the fort to the highest tower of +it, there to raise up the standard of God. The soul, as in a +place of safety, looks down on those below; it fears no dangers +now--yea, rather, it courts them, as one assured beforehand of +victory. It sees most clearly how lightly are the things of this +world to be esteemed, and the nothingness thereof. The soul now +seeks not, and possesses not, any other will but that of doing +our Lord's will, [27] and so it prays Him to let it be so; it +gives to Him the keys of its own will. Lo, the gardener is now +become the commander of a fortress! The soul will do nothing but +the will of our Lord; it will not act as the owner even of +itself, nor of anything, not even of a single apple in the +orchard; only, if there be any good thing in the garden, it is at +His Majesty's disposal; for from henceforth the soul will have +nothing of its own,--all it seeks is to do everything for His +glory, and according to His will. + +31. This is really the way in which these things come to pass; if +the raptures be true raptures, the fruits and advantages spoken +of abide in the soul; but if they did not, I should have great +doubts about their being from God--yea, rather, I should be +afraid they were those frenzies of which St. Vincent speaks. [28] +I have seen it myself, and I know it by experience, that the soul +in rapture is mistress of everything, and acquires such freedom +in one hour, and even in less, as to be unable to recognize +itself. It sees distinctly that all this does not belong to it, +neither knows it how it came to possess so great a good; but it +clearly perceives the very great blessing which every one of +these raptures always brings. No one will believe this who has +not had experience of it, and so they do not believe the poor +soul: they saw it lately so wicked, and now they see it pretend +to things of so high an order; for it is not satisfied with +serving our Lord in the common way,--it must do so forthwith in +the highest way it can. They consider this a temptation and a +folly; yet they would not be astonished, if they knew that it +comes not from the soul, but from our Lord, to whom it has given +up the keys of its will. + +32. For my part, I believe that a soul which has reached this +state neither speaks nor acts of itself, but rather that the +supreme King takes care of all it has to do. O my God, how clear +is the meaning of those words, and what good reason the Psalmist +had, and all the world will ever have, to pray for the wings of a +dove! [29] It is plain that this is the flight of the spirit +rising upwards above all created things, and chiefly above +itself: but it is a sweet flight, a delicious flight--a flight +without noise. + +33. Oh, what power that soul possesses which our Lord raises to +this state! how it looks down upon everything, entangled by +nothing! how ashamed it is of the time when it was entangled! how +it is amazed at its own blindness! how it pities those who are +still in darkness, especially if they are men of prayer, and have +received consolations from God! It would like to cry out to +them, that they might be made to see the delusions they are in: +and, indeed, it does so now and then; and then a thousand +persecutions fall upon it as a shower. People consider it +wanting in humility, and think it means to teach those from whom +it should learn, particularly if it be a woman. Hence its +condemnation; and not without reason; because they know not how +strong the influence is that moves it. The soul at times cannot +help itself; nor can it refrain from undeceiving those it loves, +and whom it longs to see delivered out of the prison of this +life; for that state in which the soul itself had been before +neither is, nor seems to be, anything else but a prison. + +34. The soul is weary of the days during which it respected +points of honour, and the delusion which led it to believe that +to be honour which the world calls by that name; now it sees it +to be the greatest lie, and that we are all walking therein. +It understands that true honour is not delusive, but real, +esteeming that which is worthy of esteem, and despising that +which is despicable; for everything is nothing, and less than +nothing, whatever passeth away, and is not pleasing unto God. +The soul laughs at itself when it thinks of the time in which it +regarded money, and desired to possess it,--though, as to this, I +verily believe that I never had to confess such a fault; it was +fault enough to have regarded money at all. If I could purchase +with money the blessings which I possess, I should make much of +it; but it is plain that these blessings are gained by abandoning +all things. + +35. What is there that is procurable by this money which we +desire? Is it anything of worth, and anything lasting? +Why, then, do we desire it? A dismal resting place it provides, +which costs so dear! Very often it obtains for us hell itself, +fire everlasting, and torments without end. Oh, if all men would +but regard it as profitless dross, how peaceful the world would +be! how free from bargaining! How friendly all men would be one +with another, if no regard were paid to honour and money! +I believe it would be a remedy for everything. + +36. The soul sees how blind men are to the nature of +pleasure--how by means of it they provide for themselves trouble +and disquietude even in this life. What restlessness! how little +satisfaction! what labour in vain! It sees, too, not only the +cobwebs that cover it, and its great faults, but also the specks +of dirt, however slight they may be; for the sun shines most +clearly; and thus, however much the soul may have laboured at its +own perfection, it sees itself to be very unclean, if the rays of +the sun fall really upon it. The soul is like water in a vessel, +which appears pellucid when the sun does not shine through it; +but if it does, the water then is found to be full of motes. + +37. This comparison is literally correct. Before the soul fell +into the trance, it thought itself to be careful about not +offending God, and that it did what it could in proportion to its +strength; but now that it has attained to this state, in which +the Sun of Justice shines upon it, and makes it open its eyes, it +beholds so many motes, that it would gladly close them again. +It is not so truly the child of the noble eagle, that it can gaze +upon the sun; but, for the few instants it can keep them open, it +beholds itself wholly unclean. It remembers the words: "Who +shall be just in Thy presence?" [30] When it looks on this +Divine Sun, the brightness thereof dazzles it,--when it looks on +itself, its eyes are blinded by the dust: the little dove is +blind. So it happens very often: the soul is utterly blinded, +absorbed, amazed, dizzy at the vision of so much grandeur. + +38. It is in rapture that true humility is acquired--humility +that will never say any good of self, nor suffer others to do so. +The Lord of the garden, not the soul, distributes the fruit +thereof, and so none remains in its hands; all the good it has, +it refers to God; if it says anything about itself, it is for His +glory. It knows that it possesses nothing here; and even if it +wished, it cannot continue ignorant of that. It sees this, as it +were, with the naked eye; for, whether it will or not, its eyes +are shut against the things of this world, and open to see +the truth. + + +1. See Inner Fortress, vi. ch. v.; Philippus a SS. Trinitate, +Theolog. Mystic. par. iii. tr. i, disp. iii., art. 3; "Hæc oratio +raptus superior est præcedentibus orationis gradibus, etiam +oratione unionis ordinariæ, et habet effectus multo +excellentiores et multas alias operationes." + +2. "She says that rapture is more excellent than union; that is, +that the soul in a rapture has a greater fruition of God, and +that God takes it then more into His own hands. That is +evidently so; because in a rapture the soul loses the use of its +exterior and interior faculties. When she says that union is the +beginning, middle, and end, she means that pure union is almost +always uniform; but that there are degrees in rapture, of which +some are, as it were, the beginning, some the middle, others the +end. That is the reason why it is called by different names; +some of which denote the least, others the most, perfect form of +it, as it will appear hereafter."--Note in the Spanish edition of +Lopez (De la Fuente). + +3. Anton. a Spirit. Sancto, Direct. Mystic. tr. 4, d. i. n. 95: +"Licet oratio raptus idem sit apud mysticos ac oratio volatus, +seu elevationis spiritus seu extasis; reipsa tamen raptus aliquid +addit super extasim; nam extasis importat simplicem excessum +mentis in seipso secundum quem aliquis extra suam cognitionem +ponitur. Raptus vero super hoc addit violentiam quandam ab +aliquo extrinseco." + +4. The words between the dashes are in the handwriting of the +Saint--not however, in the text, but on the margin (De +la Fuente). + +5. See Inner Fortress, vi. ch. v. "Primus effectus orationis +ecstaticæ est in corpore, quod ita remanet, ac si per animam non +informaretur, infrigidatur enim calore naturali deficiente, +clauduntur suaviter oculi, et alii sensus amittuntur: contingit +tamen quod corpus infirmum in hac oratione sanitatem recuperat." +Anton. a Spirit. Sancto, Direct. Mystic. tr. iv. d. 2, § 4, +n. 150. + +6. This passage could not have been in the first Life; for that +was written before she had ever been Prioress. + +7. Job. iv. 15: "Inhorruerunt pili carnis meæ." (See St. John of +the Cross. Spiritual Canticle, sts. 14, 15, vol. ii p. 83, +Engl. trans.) + +8. See ch. xxix. + +9. See ch. xx. § 21. + +10. § 9, supra. + +11. § 10. + +12. Psalm ci. 8: "I have watched, and become as a sparrow alone +on the house-top." + +13. Psalm xli. 4: "Ubi est Deus tuus?" + +14. Galat. vi. 14: "In cruce Jesu Christi: per quem mihi mundus +crucifixus est, et ego mundo." + +15. §§ 9 and 12. + +16. Daniel x. 16: "In visione tua dissolutæ sunt compages meæ." +See St. John of the Cross, Spiritual Canticle, st. 14, +vol. ii. p. 84, Engl. trans.; and also Relation, viii. § 13, +where this is repeated. + +17. Ch. v. § 18. + +18. § 12. + +19. The words from "I have just said" to "our Lord" are in the +margin of the text, but in the handwriting of the Saint (De +la Fuente). + +20. See § 11. + +21. See Relation, viii. § 8. + +22. Ch. xviii. § 16. + +23. Ch. xviii. § 17. + +24. Avila. + +25. Ch. xxv. § 18. + +26. § 9. + +27. "Other will . . . Lord's will." These words--in Spanish, +"Otra voluntad, sino hacer la de nuestro Señor"--are not in the +handwriting of the Saint; perhaps it was Father Bañes who wrote +them. The MS. is blurred, and the original text seems to have +been, "libre alvedrio ni guerra" (De la Fuente). + +28. St. Vincent. Ferrer, Instruct. de Vit. Spirit. c. xiv. p. 14: +"Si dicerent tibi aliquid quod sit contra fidem, et contra +Scripturam Sacram, aut contra bonos mores, ahhorreas earum +visionem et judicia, tanquam stultas dementias, et earum raptus, +sicut rabiamenta"--which word the Saint translates +by "rabiamientos." + +29. Psalm liv. 7: "Quis dabit mihi pennas sicut columbæ?" + +30. Job iv. 17: "Numquid homo Dei comparatione justificabitur?" + + + +Chapter XXI. + + +Conclusion of the Subject. Pain of the Awakening. +Light Against Delusions. + + +1. To bring this matter to an end, I say that it is not necessary +for the soul to give its consent here; it is already given: the +soul knows that it has given up its will into His hands, [1] and +that it cannot deceive Him, because He knoweth all things. It is +not here as it is in the world, where all life is full of deceit +and double-dealing. When you think you have gained one man's +good will, because of the outward show he makes, you afterwards +learn that all was a lie. No one can live in the midst of so +much scheming, particularly if there be any interests at stake. + +2. Blessed, then, is that soul which our Lord draws on to the +understanding of the truth! Oh, what a state for kings! +How much better it would be for them if they strove for this, +rather than for great dominions! How justice would prevail under +their rule! What evils would be prevented, and might have been +prevented already! Here no man fears to lose life or honour for +the love of God. What a grand thing this would be to him who is +more bound than those beneath him to regard the honour of our +Lord!--for it is kings whom the crowd must follow. To make one +step in the propagation of the faith, and to give one ray of +light to heretics, I would forfeit a thousand kingdoms. And with +good reason: for it is another thing altogether to gain a kingdom +that shall never end, because one drop of the water of that +kingdom, if the soul but tastes it, renders the things of this +world utterly loathsome. + +3. If, then, the soul should be wholly engulfed, what then? +O Lord, if Thou wert to give me the right to publish this abroad, +people would not believe me--as they do not believe many who are +able to speak of it in a way very different from mine; but I +should satisfy myself, at least. I believe I should count my +life as nothing, if I might make others understand but one of +these truths. I know not what I shall do afterwards, for I +cannot trust myself; though I am what I am, I have a violent +desire, which is wasting me, to say this to those who are in +authority. And now that I can do no more, I betake myself to +Thee, O my Lord, to implore a remedy for all. Thou knowest well +that I would gladly divest myself of all the graces which Thou +hast given me,--provided I remained in a condition never to +offend Thee,--and give them up to those who are kings; for I know +it would then be impossible for them to allow what they allow +now, or fail to receive the very greatest blessings. + +4. O my God, make kings to understand how far their obligations +reach! Thou hast been pleased to distinguish them on earth in +such a way that--so I have heard--Thou showest signs in the +heavens when Thou takest any of them away. Certainly, when I +think of this, my devotion is stirred, because Thou wilt have +them learn, O my King, even from this, that they must imitate +Thee in their lives, seeing that, when they die, signs are +visible in the heavens, as it was when Thou wert dying Thyself. + +5. I am very bold; if it be wrong, you, my father, will tear this +out: only believe that I should speak much more to the purpose in +the presence of kings,--if I might, or thought they would listen +to me,--for I recommend them greatly to God, and I wish I might +be of service to them. All this makes one risk life; for I long +frequently to lose mine,--and that would be to lose a little for +the chance of gaining much; for surely it is not possible to +live, when we see with our eyes the great delusion wherein we are +walking, and the blindness in which we are living. + +6. A soul that has attained to this is not limited to the desires +it has to serve God; for His Majesty gives it strength to bring +those desires to good effect. Nothing can be put before it into +which it will not throw itself, if only it thinks that God may be +served thereby: and yet it is doing nothing, because, as I said +before, [2] it sees clearly that all is nothing, except pleasing +God. The trial is, that those who are so worthless as I am, have +no trial of the kind. May it be Thy good pleasure, O my God, +that the time may come in which I may be able to pay one farthing +at least, of the heavy debt I owe Thee! Do Thou, O Lord, so +dispose matters according to Thy will, that this Thy servant may +do Thee some service. Other women there have been who did heroic +deeds for Thee; I am good only to talk; and so it has not been +Thy pleasure, O my God, that I should do any thing: all ends in +talk and desires--that is all my service. And yet even in this I +am not free, because it is possible I might fail altogether. + +7. Strengthen Thou my soul, and prepare it, O Good of all good; +and, my Jesus, then ordain Thou the means whereby I may do +something for Thee, so that there may be not even one who can +bear to receive so much, and make no payment in return. Cost +what it may, O Lord, let me not come before Thee with hands so +empty, [3] seeing that the reward of every one will be according +to his works. [4] Behold my life, behold my good name and my +will; I have given them all to Thee; I am Thine: dispose of me +according to Thy will. I see well enough, O Lord, how little I +can do; but now, having drawn near to Thee,--having ascended to +this watchtower, from which the truth may be seen,--and while +Thou departest not from me, I can do all things; but if Thou +departest from me, were it but for a moment, I shall go thither +where I was once--that is, to hell. [5] + +8. Oh, what it is for a soul in this state to have to return to +the commerce of the world, to see and look on the farce of this +life, [6] so ill-ordered; to waste its time in attending to the +body by sleeping and eating! [7] All is wearisome; it cannot run +away,--it sees itself chained and imprisoned; it feels then most +keenly the captivity into which the body has brought us, and the +wretchedness of this life. It understands the reason why +St. Paul prayed to God to deliver him from it. [8] The soul +cries with the Apostle, and calls upon God to deliver it, as I +said on another occasion. [9] But here it often cries with so +much violence, that it seems as if it would go out of the body in +search of its freedom, now that they do not take it away. It is +as a slave sold into a strange land; and what distresses it most +is, that it cannot find many who make the same complaint and the +same prayer: the desire of life is more common. + +9. Oh, if we were utterly detached,--if we never placed our +happiness in anything of this world,--how the pain, caused by +living always away from God, would temper the fear of death with +the desire of enjoying the true life! Sometimes I consider, if a +person like myself--because our Lord has given this light to me, +whose love is so cold, and whose true rest is so uncertain, for I +have not deserved it by my works--frequently feels her banishment +so much, what the feelings of the Saints must have been. +What must St. Paul and the Magdalene, and others like them, have +suffered, in whom the fire of the love of God has grown so +strong? Their life must have been a continual martyrdom. +It seems to me that they who bring me any comfort, and whose +conversation is any relief, are those persons in whom I find +these desires--I mean, desires with acts. I say with acts, for +there are people who think themselves detached, and who say so of +themselves,--and it must be so, for their vocation demands it, as +well as the many years that are passed since some of them began +to walk in the way of perfection,--but my soul distinguishes +clearly, and afar off, between those who are detached in words, +and those who make good those words by deeds. The little +progress of the former, and the great progress of the latter, +make it plain. This is a matter which a person of any experience +can see into most clearly. + +10. So far, then, of the effects of those raptures which come +from the Spirit of God. The truth is, that these are greater or +less. I say less, because in the beginning, though the effects +are wrought, they are not tested by works, and so it cannot be +clear that a person has them; and perfection, too, is a thing of +growth, and of labouring after freedom from the cobwebs of +memory; and this requires some time. Meanwhile, the greater the +growth of love and humility in the soul, the stronger the perfume +of the flowers of virtues is for itself and for others. The truth +is, that our Lord can so work in the soul in an instant during +these raptures, that but little remains for the soul to do in +order to attain to perfection. No one, who has not had +experience of it, will ever be able to believe what our Lord now +bestows on the soul. No effort of ours--so I think--can ever +reach so far. + +11. However, I do not mean to say that those persons who during +many years make use of the method prescribed by writers on +prayer,--who discuss the principles thereof, and the means +whereby it may be acquired,--will not, by the help of our Lord, +attain to perfection and great detachment with much labour; but +they will not attain to it so rapidly as by the way of raptures, +in which our Lord works independently of us, draws the soul +utterly away from earth, and gives it dominion over all things +here below, though the merits of that soul may not be greater +than mine were: I cannot use stronger language, for my merits are +as nothing. Why His Majesty doeth this is, because it is His +pleasure, and He doeth it according to His pleasure; even if the +soul be without the fitting disposition, He disposes it for the +reception of that blessing which He is giving to it. Although it +be most certain that He never fails to comfort those who do well, +and strive to be detached, still He does not always give these +effects because they have deserved them at His hands by +cultivating the garden, but because it is His will to show His +greatness at times in a soil which is most worthless, as I have +just said, and to prepare it for all good: and all this in such a +way that it seems as if the soul was now, in a manner, unable to +go back and live in sin against God, as it did before. + +12. The mind is now so inured to the comprehension of that which +is truth indeed, that everything else seems to it to be but +child's play. It laughs to itself, at times, when it sees grave +men--men given to prayer, men of religion--make much of points of +honour, which itself is trampling beneath its feet. They say +that discretion, and the dignity of their callings, require it of +them as a means to do more good; but that soul knows perfectly +well that they would do more good in one day by preferring the +love of God to this their dignity, than they will do in ten years +by considering it. + +13. The life of this soul is a life of trouble: the cross is +always there, but the progress it makes is great. When those who +have to do with it think it has arrived at the summit of +perfection, within a little while they see it much more advanced; +for God is ever giving it grace upon grace. God is the soul of +that soul now; it is He who has the charge of it; and so He +enlightens it; for He seems to be watching over it, always +attentive to it, that it may not offend Him,--giving it grace, +and stirring it up in His service. When my soul reached this +state, in which God showed me mercy so great, my wretchedness +came to an end, and our Lord gave me strength to rise above it. +The former occasions of sin, as well as the persons with whom I +was accustomed to distract myself, did me no more harm than if +they had never existed; on the contrary, that which ordinarily +did me harm, helped me on. Everything contributed to make me +know God more, and to love Him; to make me see how much I owed +Him, as well as to be sorry for being what I had been. + +14. I saw clearly that this did not come from myself, that I had +not brought it about by any efforts of my own, and that there was +not time enough for it. His Majesty, of His mere goodness, had +given me strength for it. From the time our Lord began to give +me the grace of raptures, until now, this strength has gone on +increasing. He, of His goodness, hath held me by the hand, that +I might not go back. I do not think that I am doing anything +myself--certainly I do not; for I see distinctly that all this is +the work of our Lord. For this reason, it seems to me that the +soul in which our Lord worketh these graces,--if it walks in +humility and fear, always acknowledging the work of our Lord, and +that we ourselves can do, as it were, nothing,--may be thrown +among any companions, and, however distracted and wicked these +may be, will neither be hurt nor disturbed in any way; on the +contrary, as I have just said, that will help it on, and be a +means unto it whereby it may derive much greater profit. + +15. Those souls are strong which are chosen by our Lord to do +good to others; still, this their strength is not their own. +When our Lord brings a soul on to this state, He communicates to +it of His greatest secrets by degrees. True revelations--the +great gifts and visions--come by ecstasies, all tending to make +the soul humble and strong, to make it despise the things of this +world, and have a clearer knowledge of the greatness of the +reward which our Lord has prepared for those who serve Him. [10] + +16. May it please His Majesty that the great munificence with +which He hath dealt with me, miserable sinner that I am, may have +some weight with those who shall read this, so that they may be +strong and courageous enough to give up everything utterly for +God. If His Majesty repays us so abundantly, that even in this +life the reward and gain of those who serve Him become visible, +what will it be in the next? + + +1. Ch. xx. § 30. + +2. Ch. xx. § 34. + +3. Exod. xxiii. 15: "Non apparebis in conspectu meo vacuus." + +4. Apoc. ii. 23: "Dabo unicuique vestrum secundum opera sua." + +5. See ch. xxxii. § 1. + +6. "Farsa de esta vida tan mal concertada." + +7. Inner Fortress, iv. ch. i. § 11. + +8. Rom. vii. 24: "Quis me liberabit de corpore mortis hujus?" + +9. Ch. xvi. § 7. + +10. 1 Cor. ii. 9: "Quæ præparavit Deus his qui diligunt Illum." + + + +Chapter XXII. + + +The Security of Contemplatives Lies in Their Not Ascending to +High Things if Our Lord Does Not Raise Them. The Sacred Humanity +Must Be the Road to the Highest Contemplation. A Delusion in +Which the Saint Was Once Entangled. + + +1. There is one thing I should like to say--I think it important: +and if you, my father, approve, it will serve for a lesson that +possibly may be necessary; for in some books on prayer the +writers say that the soul, though it cannot in its own strength +attain to this state,--because it is altogether a supernatural +work wrought in it by our Lord,--may nevertheless succeed, by +lifting up the spirit above all created things, and raising it +upwards in humility, after some years spent in a purgative life, +and advancing in the illuminative. I do not very well know what +they mean by illuminative: I understand it to mean the life of +those who are making progress. And they advise us much to +withdraw from all bodily imagination, and draw near to the +contemplation of the Divinity; for they say that those who have +advanced so far would be embarrassed or hindered in their way to +the highest contemplation, if they regarded even the Sacred +Humanity itself. [1] They defend their opinion [2] by bringing +forward the words [3] of our Lord to the Apostles, concerning the +coming of the Holy Ghost; I mean that Coming which was after the +Ascension. If the Apostles had believed, as they believed after +the Coming of the Holy Ghost, that He is both God and Man, His +bodily Presence would, in my opinion, have been no hindrance; for +those words were not said to the Mother of God, though she loved +Him more than all. [4] They think that, as this work of +contemplation is wholly spiritual, any bodily object whatever can +disturb or hinder it. They say that the contemplative should +regard himself as being within a definite space, God everywhere +around, and himself absorbed in Him. This is what we should +aim at. + +2. This seems to me right enough now and then; but to withdraw +altogether from Christ, and to compare His divine Body with our +miseries or with any created thing whatever, is what I cannot +endure. May God help me to explain myself! I am not +contradicting them on this point, for they are learned and +spiritual persons, understanding what they say: God, too, is +guiding souls by many ways and methods, as He has guided mine. +It is of my own soul that I wish to speak now,--I do not +intermeddle with others,--and of the danger I was in because I +would comply with the directions I was reading. I can well +believe that he who has attained to union, and advances no +further,--that is, to raptures, visions, and other graces of God +given to souls,--will consider that opinion to be best, as I did +myself: and if I had continued in it, I believe I should never +have reached the state I am in now. I hold it to be a delusion: +still, it may be that it is I who am deluded. But I will tell +you what happened to me. + +3. As I had no director, I used to read these books, where, by +little and little, I thought I might understand something. +I found out afterwards that, if our Lord had not shown me the +way, I should have learned but little from books; for I +understood really nothing till His Majesty made me learn by +experience: neither did I know what I was doing. So, in the +beginning, when I attained to some degree of supernatural +prayer,--I speak of the prayer of quiet,--I laboured to remove +from myself every thought of bodily objects; but I did not dare +to lift up my soul, for that I saw would be presumption in me, +who was always so wicked. I thought, however, that I had a sense +of the presence of God: this was true, and I contrived to be in a +state of recollection before Him. This method of prayer is full +of sweetness, if God helps us in it, and the joy of it is great. +And so, because I was conscious of the profit and delight which +this way furnished me, no one could have brought me back to the +contemplation of the Sacred Humanity; for that seemed to me to be +a real hindrance to prayer. + +4. O Lord of my soul, and my Good! Jesus Christ crucified! +I never think of this opinion, which I then held, without pain; I +believe it was an act of high treason, though done in ignorance. +Hitherto, I had been all my life long so devout to the Sacred +Humanity--for this happened but lately; I mean by lately, that it +was before our Lord gave me the grace of raptures and visions. +I did not continue long of this opinion, [5] and so I returned to +my habit of delighting in our Lord, particularly at Communion. +I wish I could have His picture and image always before my eyes, +since I cannot have Him graven in my soul as deeply as I wish. + +5. Is it possible, O my Lord, that I could have had the thought, +if only for an hour, that Thou couldst be a hindrance to my +greatest good? Whence are all my blessings? are they not from +Thee? I will not think that I was blamable, for I was very sorry +for it, and it was certainly done in ignorance. And so it +pleased Thee, in Thy goodness, to succour me, by sending me one +who has delivered me from this delusion; and afterwards by +showing Thyself to me so many times, as I shall relate +hereafter, [6] that I might clearly perceive how great my +delusion was, and also tell it to many persons; which I have +done, as well as describe it as I am doing now. I believe myself +that this is the reason why so many souls, after advancing to the +prayer of union, make no further progress, and do not attain to +very great liberty of spirit. + +6. It seems to me, that there are two considerations on which I +may ground this opinion. Perhaps I am saying nothing to the +purpose, yet what I say is the result of experience; for my soul +was in a very evil plight, till our Lord enlightened it: all its +joys were but sips; and when it had come forth therefrom, it +never found itself in that company which afterwards it had in +trials and temptations. + +7. The first consideration is this: there is a little absence of +humility--so secret and so hidden, that we do not observe it. +Who is there so proud and wretched as I, that, even after +labouring all his life in penances and prayers and persecutions, +can possibly imagine himself not to be exceedingly rich, most +abundantly rewarded, when our Lord permits him to stand with +St. John at the foot of the cross? I know not into whose head it +could have entered to be not satisfied with this, unless it be +mine, which has gone wrong in every way where it should have gone +right onwards. + +8. Then, if our constitution--or perhaps sickness--will not +permit us always to think of His Passion, because it is so +painful, who is to hinder us from thinking of Him risen from the +grave, seeing that we have Him so near us in the Sacrament, where +he is glorified, and where we shall not see Him in His great +weariness--scourged, streaming with blood, faint by the way, +persecuted by those to whom He had done good, and not believed in +by the Apostles? Certainly it is not always that one can bear to +meditate on sufferings so great as were those He underwent. +Behold Him here, before His ascension into heaven, without pain, +all-glorious, giving strength to some and courage to others. +In the most Holy Sacrament, He is our companion, as if it was not +in His power to withdraw Himself for a moment from us. And yet +it was in my power to withdraw from Thee, O my Lord, that I might +serve Thee better! It may be that I knew Thee not when I sinned +against Thee; but how could I, having once known Thee, ever think +I should gain more in this way? O Lord, what an evil way I took! +and I was going out of the way, if Thou hadst not brought me back +to it. When I see Thee near me, I see all good things together. +No trial befalls me that is not easy to bear, when I think of +Thee standing before those who judged Thee. + +9. With so good a Friend and Captain ever present, Himself the +first to suffer, everything can be borne. He helps, He +strengthens, He never fails, He is the true Friend. I see +clearly, and since then have always seen, that if we are to +please God, and if He is to give us His great graces, everything +must pass through the hands of His most Sacred Humanity, in whom +His Majesty said that He is well pleased. [7] I know this by +repeated experience: our Lord has told it me. I have seen +clearly that this is the door [8] by which we are to enter, if we +would have His supreme Majesty reveal to us His great secrets. + +10. So, then, I would have your reverence seek no other way, even +if you were arrived at the highest contemplation. This way is +safe. Our Lord is He by whom all good things come to us; He will +teach you. Consider His life; that is the best example. What +more can we want than so good a Friend at our side, who will not +forsake us when we are in trouble and distress, as they do who +belong to this world! Blessed is he who truly loves Him, and who +always has Him near him! Let us consider the glorious St. Paul, +who seems as if Jesus was never absent from his lips, as if he +had Him deep down in his heart. After I had heard this of some +great Saints given to contemplation, I considered the matter +carefully; and I see that they walked in no other way. +St. Francis with the stigmata proves it, St. Antony of Padua with +the Infant Jesus; St. Bernard rejoiced in the Sacred Humanity; so +did St. Catherine of Siena, and many others, as your reverence +knows better than I do. + +11. This withdrawing from bodily objects must no doubt be good, +seeing that it is recommended by persons who are so spiritual; +but, in my opinion, it ought to be done only when the soul has +made very great progress; for until then it is clear that the +Creator must be sought for through His creatures. All this +depends on the grace which our Lord distributes to every soul. +I do not intermeddle here. What I would say is, that the most +Sacred Humanity of Christ is not to be counted among the objects +from which we have to withdraw. Let this be clearly understood. +I wish I knew how to explain it. [9] + +12. When God suspends all the powers of the soul,--as we see He +does in the states of prayer already described,--it is clear +that, whether we wish it or not, this presence is withdrawn. +Be it so, then. The loss is a blessed one, because it takes +place in order that we may have a deeper fruition of what we seem +to have lost; for at that moment the whole soul is occupied in +loving Him whom the understanding has toiled to know; and it +loves what it has not comprehended, and rejoices in what it could +not have rejoiced in so well, if it had not lost itself, in +order, as I am saying, to gain itself the more. But that we +should carefully and laboriously accustom ourselves not to strive +with all our might to have always--and please God it be +always!--the most Sacred Humanity before our eyes,--this, I say, +is what seems to me not to be right: it is making the soul, as +they say, to walk in the air; for it has nothing to rest on, how +full soever of God it may think itself to be. + +13. It is a great matter for us to have our Lord before us as Man +while we are living and in the flesh. This is that other +inconvenience which I say must be met with. The first--I have +already begun to describe it--is a little failure in humility, in +that the soul desires to rise of itself before our Lord raises +it, and is not satisfied with meditation on so excellent a +subject,--seeking to be Mary before it has laboured with Martha. +If our Lord will have a soul to be Mary, even on the first day, +there is nothing to be afraid of; but we must not be self-invited +guests, as I think I said on another occasion. [10] This little +mote of want of humility, though in appearance a mere nothing, +does a great deal of harm to those who wish to advance +in contemplation. + +14. I now come back to the second consideration. We are not +angels, for we have a body; to seek to make ourselves angels +while we are on the earth, and so much on the earth as I was, is +an act of folly. In general, our thoughts must have something to +rest on, though the soul may go forth out of itself now and then, +or it may be very often so full of God as to be in need of no +created thing by the help of which it may recollect itself. +But this is not so common a case; for when we have many things to +do, when we are persecuted and in trouble, when we cannot have +much rest, and when we have our seasons of dryness, Christ is our +best Friend; for we regard Him as Man, and behold Him faint and +in trouble, and He is our Companion; and when we shall have +accustomed ourselves in this way, it is very easy to find Him +near us, although there will be occasions from time to time when +we can do neither the one nor the other. + +15. For this end, that is useful which I spoke of before: [11] we +must not show ourselves as labouring after spiritual +consolations; come what may, to embrace the cross is the great +thing. The Lord of all consolation was Himself forsaken: they +left Him alone in His sorrows. Do not let us forsake Him; for +His hand will help us to rise more than any efforts we can make; +and He will withdraw Himself when He sees it be expedient for us, +and when He pleaseth will also draw the soul forth out of itself, +as I said before. [12] + +16. God is greatly pleased when He beholds a soul in its humility +making His Son a Mediator between itself and Him, and yet loving +Him so much as to confess its own unworthiness, even when He +would raise it up to the highest contemplation, and saying with +St. Peter: [13] "Go Thou away from me, O Lord, for I am a sinful +man." I know this by experience: it was thus that God directed +my soul. Others may walk, as I said before, [14] by another and +a shorter road. What I have understood of the matter is this: +that the whole foundation of prayer must be laid in humility, and +that the more a soul humbles itself in prayer, the more God lifts +it up. I do not remember that He ever showed me any of those +marvellous mercies, of which I shall speak hereafter, [15] at any +other time than when I was as one brought to nothing, [16] by +seeing how wicked I was. Moreover, His Majesty contrived to make +me understand matters that helped me to know myself, but which I +could never have even imagined of myself. + +17. I believe myself that if a soul makes any efforts of its own +to further itself in the way of the prayer of union, and though +it may seem to make immediate progress, it will quickly fall +back, because the foundations were not duly laid. I fear, too, +that such a soul will never attain to true poverty of spirit, +which consists in seeking consolation or sweetness, not in +prayer,--the consolations of the earth are already +abandoned,--but rather in sorrows, for the love of Him who always +lived in sorrows Himself; [17] and in being calm in the midst of +sorrows and aridities. Though the soul may feel it in some +measure, there is no disquiet, nor any of that pain which some +persons suffer, who, if they are not always labouring with the +understanding and with a sense of devotion, think everything +lost,--as if their efforts merited so great a blessing! + +18. I am not saying that men should not seek to be devout, nor +that they should not stand with great reverence in the presence +of God, but only that they are not to vex themselves if they +cannot find even one good thought, as I said in another +place; [18] for we are unprofitable servants. [19] What do we +think we can do? Our Lord grant that we understand this, and +that we may be those little asses who drive the windlass I spoke +of: [20] these, though their eyes are bandaged, and they do not +understand what they are doing, yet draw up more water than the +gardener can draw with all his efforts. We must walk in liberty +on this road, committing ourselves into the hands of God. If it +be His Majesty's good pleasure to raise us and place us among His +chamberlains and secret councillors, we must go willingly; if +not, we must serve Him in the lower offices of His house, and not +sit down on the upper seats. [21] As I have sometimes said, [22] +God is more careful of us than we are ourselves, and knows what +each one of us is fit for. + +19. What use is there in governing oneself by oneself, when the +whole will has been given up to God? I think this less endurable +now than in the first state of prayer, and it does much greater +harm; for these blessings are supernatural. If a man has a bad +voice, let him force himself ever so much to sing, he will never +improve it; but if God gives him a good voice, he has no need to +try it twice. Let us, then, pray Him always to show His mercy +upon us, with a submissive spirit, yet trusting in the goodness +of God. And now that the soul is permitted to sit at the feet of +Christ, let it contrive not to quit its place, but keep it +anyhow. Let it follow the example of the Magdalene; and when it +shall be strong enough, God will lead it into +the wilderness. [23] + +20. You, then, my father, must be content with this until you +meet with some one of more experience and better knowledge than I +am. If you see people who are beginning to taste of God, do not +trust them if they think that they advance more, and have a +deeper fruition of God, when they make efforts of their own. +Oh, when God wills it, how He discovers Himself without these +little efforts of ours! We may do what we like, but He throws +the spirit into a trance as easily as a giant takes up a straw; +no resistance is possible. What a thing to believe, that God +will wait till the toad shall fly of itself, when He has already +willed it should do so! Well, it seems to me still more +difficult and hard for our spirit to rise upwards, if God does +not raise it, seeing that it is burdened with earth, and hindered +in a thousand ways. Its willingness to rise is of no service to +it; for, though an aptness for flying be more natural to it than +to a toad, yet is it so sunk in the mire as to have lost it by +its own fault. + +21. I come, then, to this conclusion: whenever we think of +Christ, we should remind ourselves of the love that made Him +bestow so many graces upon us, and also how great that love is +which our Lord God has shown us, in giving us such a pledge of +the love He bears us; for love draws forth love. And though we +are only at the very beginning, and exceedingly wicked, yet let +us always labour to keep this in view, and stir ourselves up to +love; for if once our Lord grants us this grace, of having this +love imprinted in our hearts, everything will be easy, and we +shall do great things in a very short time, and with very little +labour. May His Majesty give us that love,--He knows the great +need we have of it,--for the sake of that love which He bore us, +and of His glorious Son, to whom it cost so much to make it known +to us! Amen. + +22. There is one thing I should like to ask you, my father. +How is it that, when our Lord begins to bestow upon a soul a +grace so great as this of perfect contemplation, it is not, as it +ought to be, perfect at once? Certainly, it seems it should be +so; for he who receives a grace so great ought never more to seek +consolations on earth. How is it, I ask, that a soul which has +ecstasies and so far is more accustomed to receive graces, should +yet seem to bring forth fruits still higher and higher,--and the +more so, the more it is detached,--when our Lord might have +sanctified it at once, the moment He came near it? How is it, I +ask again, that the same Lord brings it to the perfection of +virtue only in the course of time? I should be glad to learn the +reason, for I know it not. I do know, however, that in the +beginning, when a trance lasts only the twinkling of an eye, and +is almost imperceptible but for the effects it produces, the +degree of strength which God then gives is very different from +that which He gives when this grace is a trance of +longer duration. + +23. Very often, when thinking of this, have I imagined the reason +might be, that the soul does not despise itself all at once, till +our Lord instructs it by degrees, and makes it resolute, and +gives it the strength of manhood, so that it may trample utterly +upon everything. He gave this strength to the Magdalene in a +moment. He gives the same grace to others, according to the +measure of their abandonment of themselves into the hands of His +Majesty, that He may do with them as He will. We never thoroughly +believe that God rewards a hundredfold even in this life. [24] + +24. I also thought of this comparison: supposing grace given to +those who are far advanced to be the same with that given to +those who are but beginners, we may then liken it to a certain +food of which many persons partake: they who eat a little retain +the savour of it for a moment, they who eat more are nourished by +it, but those who eat much receive life and strength. Now, the +soul may eat so frequently and so abundantly of this food of life +as to have no pleasure in eating any other food, because it sees +how much good it derives from it. Its taste is now so formed +upon it, that it would rather not live than have to eat any other +food; for all food but this has no other effect than to take away +the sweet savour which this good food leaves behind. + +25. Further, the conversation of good people does not profit us +in one day as much as it does in many; and we may converse with +them long enough to become like them, by the grace of God. +In short, the whole matter is as His Majesty wills. He gives His +grace to whom He pleases; but much depends on this: he who begins +to receive this grace must make a firm resolution to detach +himself from all things, and esteem this grace according +to reason. + +26. It seems also to me as if His Majesty were going about to try +those who love Him,--now one, now another,--revealing Himself in +supreme joy, so as to quicken our belief, if it should be dead, +in what He will give us, saying, Behold! this is but a drop of +the immense sea of blessings; for He leaves nothing undone for +those He loves; and as He sees them receive it, so He gives, and +He gives Himself. He loves those who love Him. Oh, how dear He +is!--how good a Friend! O my soul's Lord, who can find words to +describe what Thou givest to those who trust in Thee, and what +they lose who come to this state, and yet dwell in themselves! +Oh, let not this be so, O my Lord! for Thou doest more than this +when Thou comest to a lodging so mean as mine. Blessed be Thou +for ever and ever! + +27. I now humbly ask you, my father, if you mean to discuss what +I have written on prayer with spiritual persons, to see that they +are so really; for if they be persons who know only one way, or +who have stood still midway, they will not be able to understand +the matter. There are also some whom God leads at once by the +highest way; these think that others might advance in the same +manner--quiet the understanding, and make bodily objects none of +their means; but these people will remain dry as a stick. +Others, also, there are who, having for a moment attained to the +prayer of quiet, think forthwith that, as they have had the one, +so they may have the other. These instead of advancing, go back, +as I said before. [25] So, throughout, experience and discretion +are necessary. May our Lord, of His goodness, bestow them on us! + + +1. See Inner Fortress, vi. 7, § 4. + +2. This opinion is supposed to be justified by the words of +St. Thomas, 3 Sent. dist. 22, qu. 3, art. 1, ad quintum. +"Corporalis præsentia Christi in duobus poterat esse nociva. +Primo, quantum ad fidem, quia videntes Eum in forma in qua erat +minor Patre, non ita de facili crederent Eum æqualem Patri, ut +dicit glossa super Joannem. Secundo, quantum ad dilectionem, +quia Eum non solum spiritualiter, sed etiam carnaliter +diligeremus, conversantes cum Ipso corporaliter, et hoc est de +imperfectione dilectionis." + +3. St. John xvi. 7: "Expedit vobis ut Ego vadam; si enim non +abiero, Paracletus non veniet ad vos." + +4. This sentence is in the margin of the original MS., not in the +text, but in the handwriting of the Saint (De la Fuente). + +5. "I mean by lately . . . and visions" is in the margin of the +MS., but in the handwriting of the Saint (De la Fuente). + +6. Ch. xxviii. § 4. + +7. St. Matt. iii. 17: "Hic est Filius Meus dilectus, in quo +Mihi complacui." + +8. St. John x. 7, 9: "Ego sum ostium." + +9. See St. John of the Cross, Mount Carmel, +bk. iii. ch. i. p. 212. + +10. Ch. xii. §§ 5, 7. + +11. Ch. xv. § 21. + +12. Ch. xx. § 2. + +13. St. Luke v. 8: "Exi a me, quia homo peccator sum, Domine." + +14. Ch. xii. § 6. + +15. Ch. xxviii. + +16. Psalm lxxii. 22: "Et ego ad nihilum redactus sum, +et nescivi." + +17. Isaias liii. 3: "Virum dolorum, et scientem infirmitatem." + +18. Ch. xi. § 15. + +19. St. Luke xvii. 10: "Servi inutiles sumus." + +20. Ch. xi. § 11. + +21. St. Luke xiv. 8: "Non discumbas in primo loco." See Way of +Perfection, ch. xxvi. § 1; but ch. xvii. of the old editions. + +22. Ch. xi. § 23, ch. xviii. § 6. + +23. Os. ii. 14: "Ducam eam in solitudinem." + +24. St. Matt. xix. 29: "Qui reliquerit domum, . . . +centuplum accipiet." + +25. Ch. xii. § 5. + + + +Chapter XXIII. + + +The Saint Resumes the History of Her Life. Aiming at Perfection. +Means Whereby It May Be Gained. Instructions for Confessors. + + +1. I shall now return to that point in my life where I broke +off, [1] having made, I believe, a longer digression than I need +have made, in order that what is still to come may be more +clearly understood. Henceforth, it is another and a new book,--I +mean, another and a new life. Hitherto, my life was my own; my +life, since I began to explain these methods of prayer, is the +life which God lived in me,--so it seems to me; for I feel it to +be impossible that I should have escaped in so short a time from +ways and works that were so wicked. May our Lord be praised, who +has delivered me from myself! + +2. When, then, I began to avoid the occasions of sin, and to give +myself more unto prayer, our Lord also began to bestow His graces +upon me, as one who desired, so it seemed, that I too should be +willing to receive them. His Majesty began to give me most +frequently the grace of the prayer of quiet, and very often that +of union, which lasted some time. But as, in these days, women +have fallen into great delusions and deceits of Satan, [2] I +began to be afraid, because the joy and sweetness which I felt +were so great, and very often beyond my power to avoid. On the +other hand, I felt in myself a very deep conviction that God was +with me, especially when I was in prayer. I saw, too, that I +grew better and stronger thereby. + +3. But if I was a little distracted, I began to be afraid, and to +imagine that perhaps it was Satan that suspended my +understanding, making me think it to be good, in order to +withdraw me from mental prayer, hinder my meditation on the +Passion, and debar me the use of my understanding: this seemed to +me, who did not comprehend the matter, to be a grievous loss but, +as His Majesty was pleased to give me light to offend Him no +more, and to understand how much I owed Him, this fear so grew +upon me, that it made me seek diligently for spiritual persons +with whom I might treat of my state. I had already heard of +some; for the Fathers of the Society of Jesus had come +hither; [3] and I, though I knew none of them, was greatly +attracted by them, merely because I had heard of their way of +life and of prayer; but I did not think myself fit to speak to +them, or strong enough to obey them; and this made me still more +afraid; for to converse with them, and remain what I was, seemed +to me somewhat rude. + +4. I spent some time in this state, till, after much inward +contention and fear, I determined to confer with some spiritual +person, to ask him to tell me what that method of prayer was +which I was using, and to show me whether I was in error. I was +also resolved to do everything I could not to offend God; for the +want of courage of which I was conscious, as I said before, [4] +made me so timid. Was there ever delusion so great as mine, O my +God, when I withdrew from good in order to become good! +The devil must lay much stress on this in the beginning of a +course of virtue; for I could not overcome my repugnance. +He knows that the whole relief of the soul consists in conferring +with the friends of God. Hence it was that no time was fixed in +which I should resolve to do this. I waited to grow better +first, as I did before when I ceased to pray, [5]--and perhaps I +never should have become better; for I had now sunk so deeply +into the petty ways of an evil habit,--I could not convince +myself that they were wrong,--that I needed the help of others, +who should hold out a hand to raise me up. Blessed be Thou, O +Lord!--for the first hand outstretched to me was Thine. + +5. When I saw that my fear was going so far, it struck +me--because I was making progress in prayer--that this must be a +great blessing, or a very great evil; for I understood perfectly +that what had happened was something supernatural, because at +times I was unable to withstand it; to have it when I would was +also impossible. I thought to myself that there was no help for +it, but in keeping my conscience pure, avoiding every occasion +even of venial sins; for if it was the work of the Spirit of God, +the gain was clear; and if the work of Satan, so long as I strove +to please, and did not offend, our Lord, Satan could do me little +harm; on the contrary, he must lose in the struggle. +Determined on this course, and always praying God to help me, +striving also after purity of conscience for some days, I saw +that my soul had not strength to go forth alone to a perfection +so great. I had certain attachments to trifles, which, though +not very wrong in themselves, were yet enough to ruin all. + +6. I was told of a learned ecclesiastic, [6] dwelling in this +city, whose goodness and pious life our Lord was beginning to +make known to the world. I contrived to make his acquaintance +through a saintly nobleman [7] living in the same place. +This latter is a married man; but his life is so edifying and +virtuous, so given to prayer, and so full of charity, that the +goodness and perfection of it shine forth in all he does: and +most justly so; for many souls have been greatly blessed through +him, because of his great gifts, which, though his condition of a +layman be a hindrance to him, never lie idle. He is a man of +great sense, and very gentle with all people; his conversation is +never wearisome, but so sweet and gracious, as well as upright +and holy, that he pleases everybody very much with whom he has +any relations. He directs it all to the great good of those +souls with whom he converses and he seems to have no other end in +view but to do all he may be permitted to do for all men, and +make them content. + +7. This blessed and holy man, then, seems to me, by the pains he +took, to have been the beginning of salvation to my soul. +His humility in his relations with me makes me wonder; for he had +spent, I believe, nearly forty years in prayer,--it may be two or +three years less,--and all his life was ordered with that +perfection which his state admitted. His wife is so great a +servant of God, and so full of charity, that nothing is lost to +him on her account, [8]--in short, she was the chosen wife of one +who God knew would serve Him so well. Some of their kindred are +married to some of mine. Besides, I had also much communication +with another great servant of God, married to one of my +first cousins. + +8. It was thus I contrived that the ecclesiastic I speak of, who +was so great a servant of God, and his great friend, should come +to speak to me, intending to confess to him, and to take him for +my director. When he had brought him to speak to me, I, in the +greatest confusion at finding myself in the presence of so holy a +man, revealed to him the state of my soul, and my way of prayer. +He would not be my confessor; he said that he was very much +occupied: and so, indeed, he was. He began with a holy +resolution to direct me as if I was strong,--I ought to have been +strong, according to the method of prayer which he saw I +used,--so that I should in nothing offend God. When I saw that +he was resolved to make me break off at once with the petty ways +I spoke of before, [9] and that I had not the courage to go forth +at once in the perfection he required of me, I was distressed; +and when I perceived that he ordered the affairs of my soul as if +I ought to be perfect at once, I saw that much more care was +necessary in my case. In a word, I felt that the means he would +have employed were not those by which my soul could be helped +onwards; for they were fitted for a soul more perfect than mine; +and though the graces I had received from God were very many, I +was still at the very beginning in the matter of virtue and +of mortification. + +9. I believe certainly, if I had only had this ecclesiastic to +confer with, that my soul would have made no progress; for the +pain it gave me to see that I was not doing--and, as I thought, +could not do--what he told me, was enough to destroy all hope, +and make me abandon the matter altogether. I wonder at times how +it was that he, being one who had a particular grace for the +direction of beginners in the way of God, was not permitted to +understand my case, or to undertake the care of my soul. I see +it was all for my greater good, in order that I might know and +converse with persons so holy as the members of the Society +of Jesus. + +10. After this, I arranged with that saintly nobleman that he +should come and see me now and then. It shows how deep his +humility was; for he consented to converse with a person so +wicked as I was. He began his visits, he encouraged me, and told +me that I ought not to suppose I could give up everything in one +day; God would bring it about by degrees: he himself had for some +years been unable to free himself from some very slight +imperfections. O humility! what great blessings thou bringest to +those in whom thou dwellest, and to them who draw near to those +who possess thee! This holy man--for I think I may justly call +him so--told me of weaknesses of his own, in order to help me. +He, in his humility, thought them weaknesses; but, if we consider +his state, they were neither faults nor imperfections; yet, in my +state, it was a very great fault to be subject to them. + +11. I am not saying this without a meaning, though I seem to be +enlarging on trifles; but these trifles contribute so much +towards the beginning of the soul's progress and its flight +upwards, though it has no wings, as they say; and yet no one will +believe it who has not had experience of it; but, as I hope in +God that your reverence will help many a soul, I speak of it +here. My whole salvation depended on his knowing how to treat +me, on his humility, on the charity with which he conversed with +me, and on his patient endurance of me when he saw that I did not +mend my ways at once. He went on discreetly, by degrees showing +me how to overcome Satan. My affection for him so grew upon me, +that I never was more at ease than on the day I used to see him. +I saw him, however, very rarely. When he was long in coming, I +used to be very much distressed, thinking that he would not see +me because I was so wicked. + +12. When he found out my great imperfections, they might well +have been sins, though since I conversed with him I am somewhat +improved,--and when I recounted to him, in order to obtain light +from him, the great graces which God had bestowed upon me, he +told me that these things were inconsistent one with another; +that these consolations were given to people who had made great +progress, and led mortified lives; that he could not help being +very much afraid--he thought that the evil spirit might have +something to do in my case; he would not decide that question, +however, but he would have me carefully consider my whole method +of prayer, and then tell him of it. That was the difficulty: I +did not understand it myself, and so I could tell him nothing of +my prayer; for the grace to understand it--and, understanding it, +to describe it--has only lately been given me of God. +This saying of his, together with the fear I was in, distressed +me exceedingly, and I cried; for certainly I was anxious to +please God, and I could not persuade myself that Satan had +anything to do with it. But I was afraid, on account of my great +sins, that God might leave me blind, so that I should +understand nothing. + +13. Looking into books to see if I could find anything there by +which I might recognise the prayer I practised, I found in one of +them, called the Ascent of the Mount, [10] and in that part of it +which relates to the union of the soul with God, all those marks +which I had in myself, in that I could not think of anything. +This is what I most dwelt on--that I could think of nothing when +I was in prayer. I marked that passage, and gave him the book, +that he, and the ecclesiastic mentioned before, [11] saint and +servant of God, might consider it, and tell me what I should do. +If they thought it right, I would give up that method of prayer +altogether; for why should I expose myself to danger, when, at +the end of nearly twenty years, during which I had used it, I had +gained nothing, but had fallen into a delusion of the devil? +It was better for me to give it up. And yet this seemed to me +hard; for I had already discovered what my soul would become +without prayer. Everything seemed full of trouble. I was like a +person in the middle of a river, who, in whatever direction he +may turn, fears a still greater danger, and is well-nigh drowned. +This is a very great trial, and I have gone through many like it, +as I shall show hereafter; [12] and though it does not seem to be +of any importance, it will perhaps be advantageous to understand +how the spirit is to be tried. + +14. And certainly the affliction to be borne is great, and +caution is necessary, particularly in the case of women,--for our +weakness is great,--and much evil may be the result of telling +them very distinctly that the devil is busy with them; yea, +rather, the matter should be very carefully considered, and they +should be removed out of reach of the dangers that may arise. +They should be advised to keep things secret; and it is +necessary, also, that their secret should be kept. I am speaking +of this as one to whom it has been a sore trouble; for some of +those with whom I spoke of my prayer did not keep my secret, but, +making inquiries one of another, for a good purpose, did me much +harm; for they made things known which might well have remained +secret, because not intended for every one and it seemed as if I +had made them public myself. [13] + +15. I believe that our Lord permitted [14] this to be done +without sin on their part, in order that I might suffer. I do +not say that they revealed anything I discussed with them in +confession; still, as they were persons to whom, in my fears, I +gave a full account of myself, in order that they might give me +light, I thought they ought to have been silent. Nevertheless, I +never dared to conceal anything from such persons. My meaning, +then, is, that women should be directed with much discretion; +their directors should encourage them, and bide the time when our +Lord will help them, as He has helped me. If He had not, the +greatest harm would have befallen me, for I was in great fear and +dread; and as I suffered from disease of the heart, [15] I am +astonished that all this did not do me a great deal of harm. + +16. Then, when I had given him the book, and told the story of my +life and of my sins, the best way I could in general,--for I was +not in confession, because he was a layman; yet I gave him +clearly to understand how wicked I was,--those two servants of +God, with great charity and affection, considered what was best +for me. When they had made up their minds what to say,--I was +waiting for it in great dread, having begged many persons to pray +to God for me, and I too had prayed much during those days,--the +nobleman came to me in great distress, and said that, in the +opinion of both, I was deluded by an evil spirit; that the best +thing for me to do was to apply to a certain father of the +Society of Jesus, who would come to me if I sent for him, saying +I had need of him; that I ought, in a general confession, to give +him an account of my whole life, and of the state I was in,--and +all with great clearness: God would, in virtue of the Sacrament +of Confession, give him more light concerning me; for those +fathers were very experienced men in matters of spirituality. +Further, I was not to swerve in a single point from the counsels +of that father; for I was in great danger, if I had no one to +direct me. + +17. This answer so alarmed and distressed me, that I knew not +what to do--I did nothing but cry. Being in an oratory in great +affliction, not knowing what would become of me, I read in a +book--it seemed as if our Lord had put it into my hands--that +St. Paul said, God is faithful; [16] that He will never permit +Satan to deceive those who love Him. This gave me great +consolation. I began to prepare for my general confession, and to +write out all the evil and all the good: a history of my life, as +clearly as I understood it, and knew how to make it, omitting +nothing whatever. I remember, when I saw I had written so much +evil, and scarcely anything that was good, that I was exceedingly +distressed and sorrowful. It pained me, also, that the nuns of +the community should see me converse with such holy persons as +those of the Society of Jesus; for I was afraid of my own +wickedness, and I thought I should be obliged to cease from it, +and give up my amusements; and that if I did not do so, I should +grow worse: so I persuaded the sacristan and the portress to tell +no one of it. This was of little use, after all; for when I was +called down there was one at the door, as it happened, who told +it to the whole convent. But what difficulties and what terrors +Satan troubles them with who would draw near unto God! + +18. I communicated the whole state of my soul to that servant of +God [17] and he was a great servant of His, and very prudent. +He understood all I told him, explained it to me, and encouraged +me greatly. He said that all was very evidently the work of the +Spirit of God; only it was necessary for me to go back again to +my prayer, because I was not well grounded, and had not begun to +understand what mortification meant,--that was true, for I do not +think I knew it even by name,--that I was by no means to give up +prayer; on the contrary, I was to do violence to myself in order +to practise it, because God had bestowed on me such special +graces as made it impossible to say whether it was, or was not, +the will of our Lord to do good to many through me. He went +further, for he seems to have prophesied of that which our Lord +afterwards did with me, and said that I should be very much to +blame if I did not correspond with the graces which God bestowed +upon me. It seems to me that the Holy Ghost was speaking by his +mouth in order to heal my soul, so deep was the impression he +made. He made me very much ashamed of myself, and directed me by +a way which seemed to change me altogether. What a grand thing +it is to understand a soul! He told me to make my prayer every +day on some mystery of the Passion, and that I should profit by +it, and to fix my thoughts on the Sacred Humanity only, resisting +to the utmost of my power those recollections and delights, to +which I was not to yield in any way till he gave me further +directions in the matter. + +19. He left me consoled and fortified: our Lord came to my +succour and to his, so that he might understand the state I was +in, and how he was to direct me. I made a firm resolution not to +swerve from anything he might command me, and to this day I have +kept it. Our Lord be praised, who has given me grace to be +obedient to my confessors, [18] however imperfectly!--and they +have almost always been those blessed men of the Society of +Jesus; though, as I said, I have but imperfectly obeyed them. +My soul began to improve visibly, as I am now going to say. + + +1. At the end of ch. ix. The thirteen chapters interposed +between that and this--the twenty-third--are a treatise on +mystical theology. + +2. She refers to Magdalene of the Cross (Reforma de los +Descalços, vol. i. lib. i. c. xix. § 2). + +3. The college of the Society at Avila was founded in 1555; but +some of the Fathers had come thither in 1553 (De la Fuente). + +4. Ch. vii. § 37. + +5. Ch. xix. §§ 7, 8. + +6. Gaspar Daza had formed a society of priests in Avila, and was +a very laborious and holy man. It was he who said the first Mass +in the monastery of St. Joseph, founded by 5t. Teresa, whom he +survived, dying Nov. 24, 1592. He committed the direction of his +priests to F. Baltasar Alvarez (Bouix). Juan of Avila acted much +in the same way when the Jesuits settled in Avila (De la Fuente). + +7. Don Francisco de Salcedo. After the death of his wife, he +became a priest, and was chaplain and confessor of the Carmelite +nuns of St. Joseph. For twenty years of his married life he +attended regularly the theological lectures of the Dominicans, in +the house of St. Thomas. His death took place Sept. 12, 1580, +when he had been a priest for ten years (St. Teresa's Letters, +vol. iv. letter 43, note 13: letter 368, ed. of De la Fuente). + +8. Doña Mencia del Aguila (De la Fuente, in a note on letter 10, +vol. ii. p. 9, where he corrects himself,--having previously +called her Mencia de Avila). + +9. § 4. + +10. Subida del Monte Sion, by a Franciscan friar, Bernardino de +Laredo (Reforma, vol. i. lib. i. c. xix. § 7). + +11. § 6. + +12. See ch. xxv. § 18. + +13. See ch. xxviii. § 18. + +14. See Relation, vii. § 17. + +15. See ch. iv. § 6. + +16. 1 Cor. x. 13: "Fidelis autem Deus est, qui non patietur vos +tentari supra id quod potestis." + +17. F. Juan de Padranos, whom St. Francis de Borja had sent in +1555, with F. Fernando Alvarez del Aguila, to found the house of +the Society in Avila (De la Fuente). Ribera, i. 5, says he heard +that F. Juan de Padranos gave in part the Exercises of +St. Ignatius to the Saint. + +18. See Relation, i. § 9. + + + +Chapter XXIV. + + +Progress Under Obedience. Her Inability to Resist the Graces +of God. God Multiplies His Graces. + + +1. After this my confession, my soul was so docile that, as it +seems to me, there was nothing in the world I was not prepared to +undertake. I began at once to make a change in many things, +though my confessor never pressed me--on the contrary, he seemed +to make light of it all. I was the more influenced by this, +because he led me on by the way of the love of God; he left me +free, and did not press me, unless I did so myself, out of love. +I continued thus nearly two months, doing all I could to resist +the sweetness and graces that God sent. As to my outward life, +the change was visible; for our Lord gave me courage to go +through with certain things, of which those who knew me--and even +those in the community--said that they seemed to them extreme; +and, indeed, compared with what I had been accustomed to do, they +were extreme: people, therefore, had reason to say so. Yet, in +those things which were of obligation, considering the habit I +wore, and the profession I had made, I was still deficient. +By resisting the sweetness and joys which God sent me, I gained +this, that His Majesty taught me Himself; for, previously, I used +to think that, in order to obtain sweetness in prayer, it was +necessary for me to hide myself in secret places, and so I +scarcely dared to stir. Afterwards, I saw how little that was to +the purpose; for the more I tried to distract myself, the more +our Lord poured over me that sweetness and joy which seemed to me +to be flowing around me, so that I could not in any way escape +from it: and so it was. I was so careful about this resistance, +that it was a pain to me. But our Lord was more careful to show +His mercies, and during those two months to reveal Himself more +than before, so that I might the better comprehend that it was no +longer in my power to resist Him. + +2. I began with a renewed love of the most Sacred Humanity; my +prayer began to be solid, like a house, the foundations of which +are strong; and I was inclined to practise greater penance, +having been negligent in this matter hitherto because of my great +infirmities. The holy man who heard my confession told me that +certain penances would not hurt me, and that God perhaps sent me +so much sickness because I did no penance; His Majesty would +therefore impose it Himself. He ordered me to practise certain +acts of mortification not very pleasant for me. [1] I did so, +because I felt that our Lord was enjoining it all, and giving him +grace to command me in such a way as to make me obedient +unto him. + +3. My soul was now sensitive to every offence I committed against +God, however slight it might be; so much so, that if I had any +superfluity about me, I could not recollect myself in prayer till +I had got rid of it. I prayed earnestly that our Lord would hold +me by the hand, and not suffer me to fall again, now that I was +under the direction of His servants. I thought that would be a +great evil, and that they would lose their credit through me. + +4. At this time, Father Francis, who was Duke of Gandia, [2] came +here; he had left all he possessed some years before, and had +entered the Society of Jesus. My confessor, and the nobleman of +whom I spoke before, [3] contrived that he should visit me, in +order that I might speak to him, and give him an account of my +way of prayer; for they knew him to be greatly favoured and +comforted of God: he had given up much, and was rewarded for it +even in this life. When he had heard me, he said to me that it +was the work of the Spirit of God, [4] and that he thought it was +not right now to prolong that resistance; that hitherto it had +been safe enough,--only, I should always begin my prayer by +meditating on some part of the Passion and that if our Lord +should then raise up my spirit, I should make no resistance, but +suffer His Majesty to raise it upwards, I myself not seeking it. +He gave both medicine and advice, as one who had made great +progress himself; for experience is very important in these +matters. He said that further resistance would be a mistake. +I was exceedingly consoled; so, too, was the nobleman, who +rejoiced greatly when he was told that it was the work of God. +He always helped me and gave me advice according to his +power,--and that power was great. + +5. At this time, they changed my confessor's residence. I felt +it very much, for I thought I should go back to my wickedness, +and that it was not possible to find another such as he. My soul +was, as it were, in a desert, most sorrowful and afraid. I knew +not what to do with myself. One of my kinswomen contrived to get +me into her house, and I contrived at once to find another +confessor, [5] in the Society of Jesus. It pleased our Lord that +I should commence a friendship with a noble lady, [6] a widow, +much given to prayer, who had much to do with the fathers. +She made her own confessor [7] hear me, and I remained in her +house some days. She lived near, and I delighted in the many +conferences I had with the fathers; for merely by observing the +holiness of their way of life, I felt that my soul +profited exceedingly. + +6. This father began by putting me in the way of greater +perfection. He used to say to me, that I ought to leave nothing +undone that I might be wholly pleasing unto God. He was, +however, very prudent and very gentle at the same time; for my +soul was not at all strong, but rather very weak, especially as +to giving up certain friendships, though I did not offend God by +them: there was much natural affection in them, and I thought it +would be an act of ingratitude if I broke them off. And so, as I +did not offend God, I asked him if I must be ungrateful. He told +me to lay the matter before God for a few days, and recite the +hymn, "Veni, Creator," that God might enlighten me as to the +better course. One day, having prayed for some time, and +implored our Lord to help me to please Him in all things, I began +the hymn; and as I was saying it, I fell into a trance--so +suddenly, that I was, as it were, carried out of myself. I could +have no doubt about it, for it was most plain. + +7. This was the first time that our Lord bestowed on me the grace +of ecstasy. I heard these words: "I will not have thee converse +with men, but with angels." This made me wonder very much; for +the commotion of my spirit was great, and these words were +uttered in the very depth of my soul. They made me +afraid,--though, on the other hand, they gave me great comfort, +which, when I had lost the fear,--caused, I believe, by the +strangeness of the visitation,--remained with me. + +8. Those words have been fulfilled; for I have never been able to +form friendship with, nor have any comfort in, nor any particular +love for, any persons whatever except those who, as I believe, +love God, and who strive to serve Him. It has not been in my +power to do it. It is nothing to me that they are my kindred, or +my friends, if I do not know them to be lovers of God, or persons +given to prayer. It is to me a painful cross to converse with +any one. This is the truth, so far as I can judge. [8] +From that day forth, I have had courage so great as to leave all +things for God, who in one moment--and it seems to me but a +moment--was pleased to change His servant into another person. +Accordingly, there was no necessity for laying further commands +upon me in this matter. When my confessor saw how much I clung +to these friendships, he did not venture to bid me distinctly to +give them up. He must have waited till our Lord did the work--as +He did Himself. Nor did I think myself that I could succeed; for +I had tried before, and the pain it gave me was so great that I +abandoned the attempt, on the ground that there was nothing +unseemly in those attachments. Now our Lord set me at liberty, +and gave me strength also to use it. + +9. So I told my confessor of it, and gave up everything, +according to his advice. It did a great deal of good to those +with whom I used to converse, to see my determination. God be +blessed for ever! Who in one moment set me free, while I had been +for many years making many efforts, and had never succeeded, very +often also doing such violence to myself as injured my health; +but, as it was done by Him Who is almighty, and the true Lord of +all, it gave me no pain whatever. + + +1. The Saint now treated her body with extreme severity, +disciplining herself even unto blood (Reforma, vol. i. lib. i. c. +xx. § 4). + +2. St. Francis de Borja came to Avila, where St. Teresa lived, in +1557 (De la Fuente). This passage must have been written after +the foundation of St. Joseph, for it was not in the first Life, +as the Saint says, ch. x. § 11, that he kept secret the names of +herself and all others. + +3. Ch. xxiii. § 6. + +4. See Relation, viii. § 6. + +5. Who he was is not certainly known. The Bollandists decline to +give an opinion: but F. Bouix thinks it was F. Ferdinand Alvarez, +who became her confessor on the removal of F. Juan de Padranos, +and that it was to him she confessed till she placed herself +under the direction of F. Baltasar Alvarez, the confessor of Doña +Guiomar, as it is stated in the next paragraph,--unless the +confessor there mentioned was F. Ferdinand. + +6. Doña Guiomar de Ulloa. See below, ch. xxxii. § 13. + +7. If this confessor was F. Baltasar Alvarez, the Saint, F. Bouix +observes, passes rapidly over the history of the year 1557, and +the greater part, perhaps, of 1558; for F. Baltasar was ordained +priest only in the latter year. + +8. See Relation, i. § 6. + + + +Chapter XXV. + + +Divine Locutions. Discussions on That Subject. + + +1. It will be as well, I think, to explain these locutions of +God, and to describe what the soul feels when it receives them, +in order that you, my father, may understand the matter; for ever +since that time of which I am speaking, when our Lord granted me +that grace, it has been an ordinary occurrence until now, as will +appear by what I have yet to say. [1] + +2. The words are very distinctly formed; but by the bodily ear +they are not heard. They are, however, much more clearly +understood than they would be if they were heard by the ear. +It is impossible not to understand them, whatever resistance we +may offer. When we wish not to hear anything in this world, we +can stop our ears, or give attention to something else: so that, +even if we do hear, at least we can refuse to understand. +In this locution of God addressed to the soul there is no escape, +for in spite of ourselves we must listen; and the understanding +must apply itself so thoroughly to the comprehension of that +which God wills we should hear, that it is nothing to the purpose +whether we will it or not; for it is His will, Who can do all +things. We should understand that His will must be done; and He +reveals Himself as our true Lord, having dominion over us. +I know this by much experience; for my resistance lasted nearly +two years, [2] because of the great fear I was in: and even now I +resist occasionally; but it is of no use. + +3. I should like to explain the delusions which may happen here, +though he who has had much experience will run little or no risk, +I think; but the experience must be great. I should like to +explain also how those locutions which come from the Good Spirit +differ from those which come from an evil spirit; and, further, +how they may be but an apprehension of the understanding,--for +that is possible,--or even words which the mind addressed to +itself. I do not know if it be so but even this very day I +thought it possible. I know by experience in many ways, when +these locutions come from God. I have been told things two or +three years beforehand, which have all come to pass; and in none +of them have I been hitherto deceived. There are also other +things in which the Spirit of God may be clearly traced, as I +shall relate by and by. [3] + +4. It seems to me that a person commending a matter to God with +great love and earnestness may think that he hears in some way or +other whether his prayer will be granted or not, and this is +quite possible; but he who has heard the divine locution will see +clearly enough what this is, because there is a great difference +between the two. If it be anything which the understanding has +fashioned, however cunningly it may have done so, he sees that it +is the understanding which has arranged that locution, and that +it is speaking of itself. This is nothing else but a word +uttered by one, and listened to by another: in that case, the +understanding will see that it has not been listening only, but +also forming the words; and the words it forms are something +indistinct, fantastic, and not clear like the divine locutions. +It is in our power to turn away our attention from these +locutions of our own, just as we can be silent when we are +speaking; but, with respect to the former, that cannot be done. + +5. There is another test more decisive still. The words formed +by the understanding effect nothing; but, when our Lord speaks, +it is at once word and work; and though the words may not be +meant to stir up our devotion, but are rather words of reproof, +they dispose a soul at once, strengthen it, make it tender, give +it light, console and calm it; and if it should be in dryness, or +in trouble and uneasiness, all is removed, as if by the action of +a hand, and even better; for it seems as if our Lord would have +the soul understand that He is all-powerful, and that His words +are deeds. + +6. It seems to me that there is as much difference between these +two locutions as there is between speaking and listening, neither +more nor less; for when I speak, as I have just said, [4] I go on +with my understanding arranging what I am saying; but if I am +spoken to by others, I do nothing else but listen, without any +labour. The human locution is as something which we cannot well +make out, as if we were half asleep; but the divine locution is a +voice so clear that not a syllable of its utterance is lost. +It may occur, too, when the understanding and the soul are so +troubled and distracted that they cannot form one sentence +correctly; and yet grand sentences, perfectly arranged, such as +the soul in its most recollected state never could have formed, +are uttered, and at the first word, as I said, [5] change it +utterly. Still less could it have formed them if they are +uttered in an ecstasy, when the faculties of the soul are +suspended; for how should the soul then comprehend anything, when +it remembers nothing?--yea, rather, how can it remember them +then, when the memory can hardly do anything at all, and the +imagination is, as it were, suspended? + +7. But it is to be observed, that if we see visions and hear +words it never is as at the time when the soul is in union in the +very rapture itself,--so it seems to me. At that moment, as I +have shown,--I think it was when I was speaking of the second +water, [6]--all the faculties of the soul are suspended; and, as +I think, neither vision, nor understanding, nor hearing, is +possible at that time. The soul is then wholly in the power of +another; and in that instant--a very brief one, in my +opinion--our Lord leaves it free for nothing whatever; but when +this instant is passed, the soul continuing still entranced, then +is the time of which I am speaking; for the faculties, though not +completely suspended, are so disposed that they are scarcely +active, being, as it were, absorbed, and incapable of making +any reflections. + +8. There are so many ways of ascertaining the nature of these +locutions, that if a person be once deceived, he will not be +deceived often. I mean, that a soul accustomed to them, and on +its guard, will most clearly see what they are; for, setting +other considerations aside which prove what I have said, the +human locution produces no effect, neither does the soul accept +it,--though it must admit the other, whether we like it or +not,--nor does it believe it; on the contrary, it is known to be +a delusion of the understanding, and is therefore put away as we +would put away the ravings of a lunatic. + +9. But as to the divine locution, we listen to that as we do to a +person of great holiness, learning, or authority, whom we know to +be incapable of uttering a falsehood. And yet this is an +inadequate illustration; for these locutions proceed occasionally +in such great majesty that, without our recollecting who it is +that utters them, they make us tremble if they be words of +reproof, and die of love if words of love. They are also, as I +have said, [7] matters of which the memory has not the least +recollection; and expressions so full are uttered so rapidly, +that much time must have been spent in arranging them, if we +formed them ourselves; and so it seems to me that we cannot +possibly be ignorant at the time that we have never formed them +ourselves at all. + +10. There is no reason, therefore, why I should dwell longer on +this matter. It is a wonder to me that any experienced person, +unless he deliberately chooses to do so, can fall into delusions. +It has often happened to me, when I had doubts, to distrust what +I had heard, and to think that it was all imagination,--but this +I did afterwards: for at the moment that is impossible,--and at a +later time to see the whole fulfilled; for our Lord makes the +words dwell in the memory so that they cannot be forgotten. +Now, that which comes forth from our understanding is, as it +were, the first movement of thought, which passes away and is +forgotten; but the divine locution is a work done; and though +some of it may be forgotten, and time have lapsed, yet is not so +wholly forgotten that the memory loses all traces of what was +once spoken,--unless, indeed, after very long time, or unless the +locution were words of grace or of instruction. But as to +prophetic words, they are never forgotten, in my opinion; at +least, I have never forgotten any,--and yet my memory is weak. + +11. I repeat it, unless a soul be so wicked as to pretend that it +has these locutions, which would be a great sin, and say that it +hears divine words when it hears nothing of the kind, it cannot +possibly fail to see clearly that itself arranges the words, and +utters them to itself. That seems to me altogether impossible +for any soul that has ever known the Spirit of God. If it has +not, it may continue all its life long in this delusion, and +imagine that it hears and understands, though I know not how that +can be. A soul desires to hear these locutions, or it does not; +if it does not, it is distressed because it hears them, and is +unwilling to listen to them, because of a thousand fears which +they occasion, and for many other reasons it has for being quiet +in prayer without these interruptions. How is it that the +understanding has time enough to arrange these locutions? +They require time. + +12. But, on the other side, the divine locutions instruct us +without loss of time, and we understand matters which seem to +require a month on our part to arrange. The understanding +itself, and the soul, stand amazed at some of the things we +understand. So it is; and he who has any experience of it will +see that what I am saying is literally true. I give God thanks +that I have been able thus to explain it. I end by saying that, +in my opinion, we may hear the locutions that proceed from the +understanding whenever we like, and think that we hear them +whenever we pray. But it is not so with the divine locutions: +for many days I may desire to hear them, and I cannot; and at +other times, even when I would not, as I said before, [8] hear +them, I must. It seems to me that any one disposed to deceive +people by saying that he heard from God that which he has +invented himself, might as easily say that he heard it with his +bodily ears. It is most certainly true that I never imagined +there was any other way of hearing or understanding till I had +proof of it in myself; and so, as I have said before, [9] it gave +me trouble enough. + +13. Locutions that come from Satan not only do not leave any good +effects behind, but do leave evil effects. This has happened to +me; but not more than two or three times. Our Lord warned me at +once that they came from Satan. Over and above the great aridity +which remains in the soul after these evil locutions, there is +also a certain disquiet, such as I have had on many other +occasions, when, by our Lord's permission, I fell into great +temptations and travail of soul in diverse ways; and though I am +in trouble often enough, as I shall show hereafter, [10] yet this +disquiet is such that I know not whence it comes; only the soul +seems to resist, is troubled and distressed, without knowing why; +for the words of Satan are good, and not evil. I am thinking +whether this may not be so because one spirit is conscious of the +presence of another. + +14. The sweetness and joy which Satan gives are, in my opinion, +of a very different kind. By means of these sweetnesses he may +deceive any one who does not, or who never did, taste of the +sweetness of God,--by which I mean a certain sweet, strong, +impressive, delightsome, and calm refreshing. Those little, +fervid bursts of tears, and other slight emotions,--for at the +first breath of persecution these flowers wither,--I do not call +devotion, though they are a good beginning, and are holy +impressions; but they are not a test to determine whether these +locutions come from a good or an evil spirit. It is therefore +best for us to proceed always with great caution; for those +persons who have advanced in prayer only so far as this may most +easily fall into delusions, if they have visions or revelations. +For myself, I never had a single vision or revelation till God +had led me on to the prayer of union,--unless it be on that +occasion, of which I have spoken before, [11] now many years ago, +when I saw our Lord. Oh, that His Majesty had been pleased to +let me then understand that it was a true vision, as I have since +understood it was! it would have been no slight blessing to me. + +15. After these locutions of the evil one, the soul is never +gentle, but is, as it were, terrified, and greatly disgusted. + +16. I look upon it as a most certain truth, that the devil will +never deceive, and that God will not suffer him to deceive, the +soul which has no confidence whatever in itself; which is strong +in faith, and resolved to undergo a thousand deaths for any one +article of the creed; which in its love of the faith, infused of +God once for all,--a faith living and strong,--always labours, +seeking for further light on this side and on that, to mould +itself on the teaching of the Church, as one already deeply +grounded in the truth. No imaginable revelations, not even if it +saw the heavens open, could make that soul swerve in any degree +from the doctrine of the Church. If, however, it should at any +time find itself wavering even in thought on this point, or +stopping to say to itself, If God says this to me, it may be +true, as well as what He said to the Saints--the soul must not be +sure of it. I do not mean that it so believes, only that Satan +has taken the first step towards tempting it; and the giving way +to the first movements of a thought like this is evidently most +wrong. I believe, however, that these first movements will not +take place if the soul is so strong in the matter--as that soul +is to whom our Lord sends these graces--that it seems as if it +could crush the evil spirits in defence of the very least of the +truths which the Church holds. + +17. If the soul does not discern this great strength in itself, +and if the particular devotion or vision help it not onwards, +then it must not look upon it as safe. For though at first the +soul is conscious of no harm, great harm may by degrees ensue; +because, so far as I can see, and by experience understand, that +which purports to come from God is received only in so far as it +corresponds with the sacred writings; but if it varies therefrom +ever so little, I am incomparably more convinced that it comes +from Satan than I am now convinced it comes from God, however +deep that conviction may be. In this case, there is no need to +ask for signs, nor from what spirit it proceeds, because this +varying is so clear a sign of the devil's presence, that if all +the world were to assure me that it came from God, I would not +believe it. The fact is, that all good seems to be lost out of +sight, and to have fled from the soul, when the devil has spoken +to it; the soul is thrown into a state of disgust, and is +troubled, able to do no good thing whatever--for if it conceives +good desires, they are not strong; its humility is fictitious, +disturbed, and without sweetness. Any one who has ever tasted of +the Spirit of God will, I think, understand it. + +18. Nevertheless, Satan has many devices; and so there is nothing +more certain than that it is safer to be afraid, and always on +our guard, under a learned director, from whom nothing is +concealed. If we do this, no harm can befall us, though much has +befallen me through the excessive fears which possessed some +people. For instance, it happened so once to me, when many +persons in whom I had great confidence, and with good reason, had +assembled together,--five or six in number, I think,--and all +very great servants of God. It is true, my relations were with +one of them only; but by his orders made my state known to the +others. They had many conferences together about my necessities; +for they had great affection for me, and were afraid I was under +a delusion. I, too, was very much afraid whenever I was not +occupied in prayer; but when I prayed, and our Lord bestowed His +graces upon me, I was instantly reassured. My confessor told me +they were all of opinion that I was deceived by Satan; that I +must communicate less frequently, and contrive to distract myself +in such a way as to be less alone. + +19. I was in great fear myself, as I have just said, and my +disease of the heart [12] contributed thereto, so that very often +I did not dare to remain alone in my cell during the day. When I +found so many maintain this, and myself unable to believe them, I +had at once a most grievous scruple; for it seemed to me that I +had very little humility, especially as they all led lives +incomparably better than mine: they were also learned men. +Why should I not believe them? I did all I could to believe +them. I reflected on my wicked life, and therefore what they +said to me must be true. + +20. In this distress, I quitted the church, [13] and entered an +oratory. I had not been to Communion for many days, nor had I +been alone, which was all my comfort. I had no one to speak to, +for every one was against me. Some, I thought, made a mock of me +when I spoke to them of my prayer, as if I were a person under +delusions of the imagination; others warned my confessor to be on +his guard against me; and some said it was clear the whole was an +operation of Satan. My confessor, though he agreed with them for +the sake of trying me, as I understood afterwards, always +comforted me: and he alone did so. He told me that, if I did not +offend God, my prayer, even if it was the work of Satan, could do +me no harm; that I should be delivered from it. He bade me pray +much to God: he himself, and all his penitents, and many others +did so earnestly; I, too, with all my might, and as many as I +knew to be servants of God, prayed that His Majesty would be +pleased to lead me by another way. This lasted, I think, about +two years; and this was the subject of my continual prayer to +our Lord. + +21. But there was no comfort for me when I thought of the +possibility that Satan could speak to me so often. Now that I +was never alone for prayer, our Lord made me recollected even +during conversation: He spoke what He pleased,--I could not avoid +it; and, though it distressed me, I was forced to listen. I was +by myself, having no one in whom I could find any comfort; unable +to pray or read, like a person stunned by heavy trials, and by +the dread that the evil one had deluded me; utterly disquieted +and wearied, not knowing what would become of me. I have been +occasionally--yea, very often--in distress, but never before in +distress so great. I was in this state for four or five hours; +there was no comfort for me, either from heaven or on earth--only +our Lord left me to suffer, afraid of a thousand dangers. + +22. O my Lord, how true a friend art Thou! how powerful! +Thou showest Thy power when Thou wilt; and Thou dost will it +always, if only we will it also. Let the whole creation praise +Thee, O Thou Lord of the world! Oh, that a voice might go forth +over all the earth, proclaiming Thy faithfulness to those who +love Thee! All things fail; but Thou, Lord of all, never failest! +They who love Thee, oh, how little they have to suffer! oh, how +gently, how tenderly, how sweetly Thou, O my Lord, dealest with +them! Oh, that no one had ever been occupied with any other love +than Thine! It seems as if Thou didst subject those who love +Thee to a severe trial: but it is in order that they may learn, +in the depths of that trial, the depths of Thy love. O my God, +oh, that I had understanding and learning, and a new language, in +order to magnify Thy works, according to the knowledge of them +which my soul possesses! Everything fails me, O my Lord; but if +Thou wilt not abandon me, I will never fail Thee. Let all the +learned rise up against me,--let the whole creation persecute +me,--let the evil spirits torment me,--but do Thou, O Lord, fail +me not; for I know by experience now the blessedness of that +deliverance which Thou dost effect for those who trust only in +Thee. In this distress,--for then I had never had a single +vision,--these Thy words alone were enough to remove it, and give +me perfect peace: "Be not afraid, my daughter: it is I; and I +will not abandon thee. Fear not." [14] + +23. It seems to me that, in the state I was in then, many hours +would have been necessary to calm me, and that no one could have +done it. Yet I found myself, through these words alone, tranquil +and strong, courageous and confident, at rest and enlightened; in +a moment, my soul seemed changed, and I felt I could maintain +against all the world that my prayer was the work of God. +Oh, how good is God! how good is our Lord, and how powerful! +He gives not counsel only, but relief as well. His words are +deeds. O my God! as He strengthens our faith, love grows. So it +is, in truth; for I used frequently to recollect how our Lord, +when the tempest arose, commanded the winds to be still over the +sea. [15] So I said to myself: Who is He, that all my faculties +should thus obey Him? Who is He, that gives light in such +darkness in a moment; who softens a heart that seemed to be made +of stone; who gives the waters of sweet tears, where for a long +time great dryness seems to have prevailed; who inspires these +desires; who bestows this courage? What have I been thinking of? +what am I afraid of? what is it? I desire to serve this my Lord; +I aim at nothing else but His pleasure; I seek no joy, no rest, +no other good than that of doing His will. I was so confident +that I had no other desire, that I could safely assert it. + +24. Seeing, then, that our Lord is so powerful,--as I see and +know He is,--and that the evil spirits are His slaves, of which +there can be no doubt, because it is of faith,--and I a servant +of this our Lord and King,--what harm can Satan do unto me? +Why have I not strength enough to fight against all hell? I took +up the cross in my hand,--I was changed in a moment into another +person, and it seemed as if God had really given me courage +enough not to be afraid of encountering all the evil spirits. +It seemed to me that I could, with the cross, easily defeat them +altogether. So I cried out, Come on, all of you; I am the +servant of our Lord: I should like to see what you can do +against me. + +25. And certainly they seemed to be afraid of me, for I was left +in peace: I feared them so little, that the terrors, which until +now oppressed me, quitted me altogether; and though I saw them +occasionally,--I shall speak of this by and by, [16]--I was never +again afraid of them--on the contrary, they seemed to be afraid +of me. [17] I found myself endowed with a certain authority over +them, given me by the Lord of all, so that I cared no more for +them than for flies. They seem to be such cowards; for their +strength fails them at the sight of any one who despises them. +These enemies have not the courage to assail any but those whom +they see ready to give in to them, or when God permits them to do +so, for the greater good of His servants, whom they may try +and torment. + +26. May it please His Majesty that we fear Him whom we ought to +fear, [18] and understand that one venial sin can do us more harm +than all hell together; for that is the truth. The evil spirits +keep us in terror, because we expose ourselves to the assaults of +terror by our attachments to honours, possessions, and pleasures. +For then the evil spirits, uniting themselves with us,--we become +our own enemies when we love and seek what we ought to hate,--do +us great harm. We ourselves put weapons into their hands, that +they may assail us; those very weapons with which we should +defend ourselves. It is a great pity. But if, for the love of +God, we hated all this, and embraced the cross, and set about His +service in earnest, Satan would fly away before such realities, +as from the plague. He is the friend of lies, and a lie +himself. [19] He will have nothing to do with those who walk in +the truth. When he sees the understanding of any one obscured, +he simply helps to pluck out his eyes; if he sees any one already +blind, seeking peace in vanities,--for all the things of this +world are so utterly vanity, that they seem to be but the +playthings of a child,--he sees at once that such a one is a +child; he treats him as a child, and ventures to wrestle with +him--not once, but often. + +27. May it please our Lord that I be not one of these; and may +His Majesty give me grace to take that for peace which is really +peace, that for honour which is really honour, and that for +delight which is really a delight. Let me never mistake one +thing for another--and then I snap my fingers at all the devils, +for they shall be afraid of me. I do not understand those +terrors which make us cry out, Satan, Satan! when we may say, +God, God! and make Satan tremble. Do we not know that he cannot +stir without the permission of God? What does it mean? I am +really much more afraid of those people who have so great a fear +of the devil, than I am of the devil himself. Satan can do me no +harm whatever, but they can trouble me very much, particularly if +they be confessors. I have spent some years of such great +anxiety, that even now I am amazed that I was able to bear it. +Blessed be our Lord, who has so effectually helped me! + + +1. Philip. a SS. Trinitate, Theolog. Mystic. par. 2, +tr. iii. disc. iv. art. v.: "Tres sunt modi divinæ locutionis; +completur enim divina locutio vel verbis successivis, vel verbis +formalibus, vel verbis substantialibus. Completur verbis +successivis cum anima in semetipsa multum collecta quosdam +discursus internos de Deo vel de aliis divina format directione; +hujusmodi quippe discursus, quamvis ab ipsa sibi formati, a Deo +tamen dirigente procedunt. Completur verbis formalibus cum anima +vel in se collecta, vel aliis occupata, percipit quædam verba +formaliter ac distincte divinitus expressa, ad quorum formationem +anima passive penitus se habet. Completur verbis substantialibus +cum anima vel in se collecta, vel etiam distracta, percipit +quædam verba viva et efficacia, divinitus ad se directa, quæ +virtutem aut substantialem effectum per ipsa significatum +fortiter ac infallibiliter causant." See also St. John of the +Cross, Ascent of Mount Carmel, b. ii. ch. xxviii. and the +following, p. 188. + +2. From 1555 to 1557, when the Saint was advised by St. Francis +de Borja to make no further resistance (Bouix). + +3. See ch. xxvii. § 4. + +4. § 4. + +5. § 5. + +6. The doctrine here laid down is not that of the second +water,--chs. xiv. and xv.,--but that of the third, ch. xvi. +The Saint herself speaks doubtfully; and as she had but little +time for writing, she could not correct nor read again what she +had written (De la Fuente). + +7. § 6. + +8. § 2. + +9. Ch. vii. § 12. + +10. Ch. xxviii. § 6, ch. xxx. § 10. + +11. Ch. vii. § 11. + +12. Ch. iv. § 6, ch. v. § 14. + +13. It was the church of the Jesuits (Bouix). + +14. See Inner Fortress, vi. 3, § 5. + +15. St. Matt. viii. 26; "Imperavit ventis et mari, et facta est +tranquillitas magna." + +16. Ch. xxxi. § 2. + +17. St. John of the Cross, Spiritual Canticle, st. 24, p. 128, +Eng. trans. + +18. St. Matt. x. 26, 28; "Ne ergo timueritis eos, . . . sed +potius timete Eum." + +19. St. John viii. 44: "Mendax est, et pater ejus." + + + +Chapter XXVI. + + +How the Fears of the Saint Vanished. How She Was Assured That +Her Prayer Was the Work of the Holy Spirit. + + +1. I look upon the courage which our Lord has implanted in me +against evil spirits as one of the greatest mercies which He has +bestowed upon me; for a cowardly soul, afraid of anything but sin +against God, is a very unseemly thing, when we have on our side +the King omnipotent, our Lord most high, who can do all things, +and subjects all things to Himself. There is nothing to be +afraid of if we walk, as I said before, [1] in the truth, in the +sight of His Majesty, with a pure conscience. And for this end, +as I said in the same place, I would have myself all fears, that +I may not for one instant offend Him who in that instant is able +to destroy us. If His Majesty is pleased with us, whoever +resists us--be he who he may--will be utterly disappointed. + +2. It may be so, you will say; but, then, where is that soul so +just as to please Him in everything?--and that is the reason why +we are afraid. Certainly it is not my soul, which is most +wretched, unprofitable, and full of misery. God is not like man +in His ways; He knows our weakness. But the soul perceives, by +the help of certain great signs, whether it loves God of a truth; +for the love of those souls who have come to this state is not +hidden as it was at first, but is full of high impulses, and of +longings for the vision of God, as I shall show hereafter--or +rather, as I have shown already. [2] Everything wearies, +everything distresses, everything torments the soul, unless it be +suffered with God, or for God. There is no rest which is not a +weariness, because the soul knows itself to be away from its true +rest; and so love is made most manifest, and, as I have just +said, impossible to hide. + +3. It happened to me, on another occasion to be grievously tried, +and much spoken against on account of a certain affair,--of which +I will speak hereafter, [3]--by almost everybody in the place +where I am living, and by the members of my Order. When I was in +this distress, and afflicted by many occasions of disquiet +wherein I was placed, our Lord spoke to me, saying: "What art +thou afraid of? knowest thou not that I am almighty? I will do +what I have promised thee." And so, afterwards, was it done. +I found myself at once so strong, that I could have undertaken +anything, so it seemed, immediately, even if I had to endure +greater trials for His service, and had to enter on a new state +of suffering. These locutions are so frequent, that I cannot +count them; many of them are reproaches, and He sends them when I +fall into imperfections. They are enough to destroy a soul. +They correct me, however; for His Majesty--as I said +before [4]--gives both counsel and relief. There are others +which bring my former sins into remembrance,--particularly when +He is about to bestow upon me some special grace,--in such a way +that the soul beholds itself as being really judged; for those +reproaches of God put the truth before it so distinctly, that it +knows not what to do with itself. Some are warnings against +certain dangers to myself or others; many of them are prophecies +of future things, three or four years beforehand; and all of them +have been fulfilled: some of them I could mention. Here, then, +are so many reasons for believing that they come from God, as +make it impossible, I believe, for anybody to mistake them. + +4. The safest course in these things is to declare, without fail, +the whole state of the soul, together with the graces our Lord +gives me, to a confessor who is learned, and obey him. I do so; +and if I did not, I should have no peace. Nor is it right that +we women, who are unlearned, should have any: there can be no +danger in this, but rather great profit. This is what our Lord +has often commanded me to do, and it is what I have often done. +I had a confessor [5] who mortified me greatly, and now and then +distressed me: he tried me heavily, for he disquieted me +exceedingly; and yet he was the one who, I believe, did me the +most good. Though I had a great affection for him, I was +occasionally tempted to leave him; I thought that the pain he +inflicted on me disturbed my prayer. Whenever I was resolved on +leaving him, I used to feel instantly that I ought not to do so; +and one reproach of our Lord would press more heavily upon me +than all that my confessor did. Now and then, I was worn +out--torture on the one hand, reproaches on the other. +I required it all, for my will was but little subdued. Our Lord +said to me once, that there was no obedience where there was no +resolution to suffer; that I was to think of His sufferings, and +then everything would be easy. + +5. One of my confessors, to whom I went in the beginning, advised +me once, now that my spiritual state was known to be the work of +God, to keep silence, and not speak of these things to any one, +on the ground that it was safer to keep these graces secret. +To me, the advice seemed good, because I felt it so much whenever +I had to speak of them to my confessor; [6] I was also so ashamed +of myself, that I felt it more keenly at times to speak of them +than I should have done in confessing grave sins, particularly +when the graces I had to reveal were great. I thought they did +not believe me, and that they were laughing at me. I felt it so +much,--for I look on this as an irreverent treatment of the +marvels of God,--that I was glad to be silent. I learned then +that I had been ill-advised by that confessor, because I ought +never to hide anything from my confessor; for I should find great +security if I told everything; and if I did otherwise, I might at +any time fall into delusions. [7] + +6. Whenever our Lord commanded me to do one thing in prayer, and +if my confessor forbade it, our Lord Himself told me to obey my +confessor. His Majesty afterwards would change the mind of that +confessor, so that he would have me do what he had forbidden +before. When we were deprived of many books written in Spanish, +and forbidden to read them,--I felt it deeply, for some of these +books were a great comfort to me, and I could not read them in +Latin,--our Lord said to me, "Be not troubled; I will give thee a +living book." I could not understand why this was said to me, +for at that time I had never had a vision. [8] But, a very few +days afterwards, I understood it well enough; for I had so much +to think of, and such reasons for self-recollection in what I saw +before me and our Lord dealt so lovingly with me, in teaching me +in so many ways, that I had little or no need whatever of books. +His Majesty has been to me a veritable Book, in which I saw all +truth. Blessed be such a Book, which leaves behind an impression +of what is read therein, and in such a way that it cannot +be forgotten! + +7. Who can look upon our Lord, covered with wounds, and bowed +down under persecutions, without accepting, loving, and longing +for them? Who can behold but a part of that glory which He will +give to those who serve Him without confessing that all he may +do, and all he may suffer, are altogether as nothing, when we may +hope for such a reward? Who can look at the torments of lost +souls without acknowledging the torments of this life to be +joyous delights in comparison, and confessing how much they owe +to our Lord in having saved them so often from the place of +torments? [9] But as, by the help of God, I shall speak more at +large of certain things, I wish now to go on with the story of my +life. Our Lord grant that I have been clear enough in what I +have hitherto said! I feel assured that he will understand me +who has had experience herein, and that he will see I have +partially succeeded; but as to him who has had no such +experience, I should not be surprised if he regarded it all as +folly. It is enough for him that it is I who say it, in order to +be free from blame; neither will I blame any one who shall so +speak of it. Our Lord grant that I may never fail to do His +will! Amen. + + +1. Ch. xxv. § 26. + +2. Ch. xv. § 6. + +3. Ch. xxxiii.; the foundation of the house of St. Joseph. + +4. Ch. xxv. § 23. + +5. The Bollandists, n. 185, attribute some of the severity with +which her confessor treated the Saint to the spirit of desolation +with which he was then tried himself; and, in proof of it, refer +to the account which F. Baltasar Alvarez gave of his own prayer +to the General of the Society. + +6. See Relation, vii. § 7. + +7. St. John of the Cross, Mount Carmel, bk. ii. ch. 22, § 14. + +8. The visions of the Saint began in 1558 (De la Fuente) or, +according to Father Bouix, in 1559. + +9. St. Luke xvi. 28: "Ne et ipsi veniant in hunc +locum tormentorum." + + + +Chapter XXVII. + + +The Saint Prays to Be Directed by a Different Way. +Intellectual Visions. + + +1. I now resume the story of my life. I was in great pain and +distress; and many prayers, as I said, [1] were made on my +behalf, that our Lord would lead me by another and a safer way; +for this, they told me, was so suspicious. The truth is, that +though I was praying to God for this, and wished I had a desire +for another way, yet, when I saw the progress I was making, I was +unable really to desire a change,--though I always prayed for +it,--excepting on those occasions when I was extremely cast down +by what people said to me, and by the fears with which they +filled me. + +2. I felt that I was wholly changed; I could do nothing but put +myself in the hands of God: He knew what was expedient for me; +let Him do with me according to His will in all things. I saw +that by this way I was directed heavenwards, and that formerly I +was going down to hell. I could not force myself to desire a +change, nor believe that I was under the influence of Satan. +Though I was doing all I could to believe the one and to desire +the other, it was not in my power to do so. I offered up all my +actions, if there should be any good in them, for this end; I had +recourse to the Saints for whom I had a devotion, that they might +deliver me from the evil one; I made novenas; I commended myself +to St. Hilarion, to the Angel St. Michael, to whom I had recently +become devout, for this purpose; and many other Saints I +importuned, that our Lord might show me the way,--I mean, that +they might obtain this for me from His Majesty. + +3. At the end of two years spent in prayer by myself and others +for this end, namely, that our Lord would either lead me by +another way, or show the truth of this,--for now the locutions of +our Lord were extremely frequent,--this happened to me. I was in +prayer one day,--it was the feast of the glorious +St. Peter, [2]--when I saw Christ close by me, or, to speak more +correctly, felt Him; for I saw nothing with the eyes of the body, +nothing with the eyes of the soul. He seemed to me to be close +beside me; and I saw, too, as I believe, that it was He who was +speaking to me. As I was utterly ignorant that such a vision was +possible, [3] I was extremely afraid at first, and did nothing +but weep; however, when He spoke to me but one word to reassure +me, I recovered myself, and was, as usual, calm and comforted, +without any fear whatever. Jesus Christ seemed to be by my side +continually, and, as the vision was not imaginary, I saw no form; +but I had a most distinct feeling that He was always on my right +hand, a witness of all I did; and never at any time, if I was but +slightly recollected, or not too much distracted, could I be +ignorant of His near presence. [4] + +4. I went at once to my confessor, [5] in great distress, to tell +him of it. He asked in what form I saw our Lord. I told him I +saw no form. He then said: "How did you know that it was +Christ?" I replied, that I did not know how I knew it; but I +could not help knowing that He was close beside me,--that I saw +Him distinctly, and felt His presence,--that the recollectedness +of my soul was deeper in the prayer of quiet, and more +continuous,--that the effects thereof were very different from +what I had hitherto experienced,--and that it was most certain. +I could only make comparisons in order to explain myself; and +certainly there are no comparisons, in my opinion, by which +visions of this kind can be described. Afterwards I learnt from +Friar Peter of Alcantara, a holy man of great spirituality,--of +whom I shall speak by and by, [6]--and from others of great +learning, that this vision was of the highest order, and one with +which Satan can least interfere; and therefore there are no words +whereby to explain,--at least, none for us women, who know so +little: learned men can explain it better. + +5. For if I say that I see Him neither with the eyes of the body, +nor with those of the soul,--because it was not an imaginary +vision,--how is it that I can understand and maintain that He +stands beside me, and be more certain of it than if I saw Him? +If it be supposed that it is as if a person were blind, or in the +dark, and therefore unable to see another who is close to him, +the comparison is not exact. There is a certain likelihood about +it, however, but not much, because the other senses tell him who +is blind of that presence: he hears the other speak or move, or +he touches him; but in these visions there is nothing like this. +The darkness is not felt; only He renders Himself present to the +soul by a certain knowledge of Himself which is more clear than +the sun. [7] I do not mean that we now see either a sun or any +brightness, only that there is a light not seen, which illumines +the understanding so that the soul may have the fruition of so +great a good. This vision brings with it great blessings. + +6. It is not like that presence of God which is frequently felt, +particularly by those who have attained to the prayer of union +and of quiet, when we seem, at the very commencement of our +prayer, to find Him with whom we would converse, and when we seem +to feel that He hears us by the effects and the spiritual +impressions of great love and faith of which we are then +conscious, as well as by the good resolutions, accompanied by +sweetness, which we then make. This is a great grace from God; +and let him to whom He has given it esteem it much, because it is +a very high degree of prayer; but it is not vision. God is +understood to be present there by the effects He works in the +soul: that is the way His Majesty makes His presence felt; but +here, in this vision, it is seen clearly that Jesus Christ is +present, the Son of the Virgin. In the prayer of union and of +quiet, certain inflowings of the Godhead are present; but in the +vision, the Sacred Humanity also, together with them, is pleased +to be our visible companion, and to do us good. + +7. My confessor next asked me, who told me it was Jesus +Christ. [8] I replied that He often told me so Himself; but, +even before He told me so, there was an impression on my +understanding that it was He; and before this He used to tell me +so, and I saw Him not. If a person whom I had never seen, but of +whom I had heard, came to speak to me, and I were blind or in the +dark, and told me who he was, I should believe him; but I could +not so confidently affirm that he was that person, as I might do +if I had seen him. But in this vision I could do so, because so +clear a knowledge is impressed on the soul that all doubt seems +impossible, though He is not seen. Our Lord wills that this +knowledge be so graven on the understanding, that we can no more +question His presence than we can question that which we see with +our eyes: not so much even; for very often there arises a +suspicion that we have imagined things we think we see; but here, +though there may be a suspicion in the first instant, there +remains a certainty so great, that the doubt has no force +whatever. So also is it when God teaches the soul in another +way, and speaks to it without speaking, in the way I +have described. + +8. There is so much of heaven in this language, that it cannot +well be understood on earth, though we may desire ever so much to +explain it, if our Lord will not teach it experimentally. +Our Lord impresses in the innermost soul that which He wills that +soul to understand; and He manifests it there without images or +formal words, after the manner of the vision I am speaking of. +Consider well this way in which God works, in order that the soul +may understand what He means--His great truths and mysteries; for +very often what I understand, when our Lord explains to me the +vision, which it is His Majesty's pleasure to set before me, is +after this manner; and it seems to me that this is a state with +which the devil can least interfere, for these reasons; but if +these reasons are not good, I must be under a delusion. The +vision and the language are matters of such pure spirituality, +that there is no toil of the faculties, or of the senses, out of +which--so seems to me--the devil can derive any advantage. + +9. It is only at intervals, and for an instant, that this occurs; +for generally--so I think--the senses are not taken away, and the +faculties are not suspended: they preserve their ordinary state. +It is not always so in contemplation; on the contrary, it is very +rarely so; but when it is so, I say that we do nothing whatever +ourselves: no work of ours is then possible; all that is done is +apparently the work of our Lord. It is as if food had been +received into the stomach which had not first been eaten, and +without our knowing how it entered; but we do know well that it +is there, though we know not its nature, nor who it was that +placed it there. In this vision, I know who placed it; but I do +not know how He did it. I neither saw it, nor felt it; I never +had any inclination to desire it, and I never knew before that +such a thing was possible. + +10. In the locutions of which I spoke before, [9] God makes the +understanding attentive, though it may be painful to understand +what is said; then the soul seems to have other ears wherewith it +hears; and He forces it to listen, and will not let it be +distracted. The soul is like a person whose hearing was good, +and who is not suffered to stop his ears, while people standing +close beside him speak to him with a loud voice. He may be +unwilling to hear, yet hear he must. Such a person contributes +something of his own; for he attends to what is said to him; but +here there is nothing of the kind: even that little, which is +nothing more than the bare act of listening, which is granted to +it in the other case, is now out of its power. It finds its food +prepared and eaten; it has nothing more to do but to enjoy it. +It is as if one without ever learning, without taking the pains +even to learn to read, and without studying any subject whatever, +should find himself in possession of all knowledge, not knowing +how or whence it came to him, seeing that he had never taken the +trouble even to learn the alphabet. This last comparison seems +to me to throw some light on this heavenly gift; for the soul +finds itself learned in a moment, and the mystery of the most +Holy Trinity so clearly revealed to it, together with other most +deep doctrines, that there is no theologian in the world with +whom it would hesitate to dispute for the truth of these matters. + +11. It is impossible to describe the surprise of the soul when it +finds that one of these graces is enough to change it utterly, +and make it love nothing but Him who, without waiting for +anything itself might do, renders it fit for blessings so high, +communicates to it His secrets, and treats it with so much +affection and love. Some of the graces He bestows are liable to +suspicion because they are so marvellous, and given to one who +has deserved them so little--incredible, too, without a most +lively faith. I intend, therefore, to mention very few of those +graces which our Lord has wrought in me, if I should not be +ordered otherwise; but there are certain visions of which I shall +speak, an account of which may be of some service. In doing so, +I shall either dispel his fears to whom our Lord sends them, and +who, as I used to do, thinks them impossible, or I shall explain +the way or the road by which our Lord has led me; and that is +what I have been commanded to describe. + +12. Now, going back to speak of this way of understanding, what +it is seems to me to be this: it is our Lord's will in every way +that the soul should have some knowledge of what passes in +heaven; and I think that, as the blessed there without speech +understand one another,--I never knew this for certain till our +Lord of His goodness made me see it; He showed it to me in a +trance,--so is it here: God and the soul understand one another, +merely because His Majesty so wills it, without the help of other +means, to express the love there is between them both. In the +same way on earth, two persons of sound sense, if they love each +other much, can even, without any signs, understand one another +only by their looks. It must be so here, though we do not see +how, as these two lovers earnestly regard each the other: the +bridegroom says so to the bride in the Canticle, so I believe, +and I have heard that it is spoken of there. [10] + +13. Oh, marvellous goodness of God, in that Thou permittest eyes +which have looked upon so much evil as those of my soul to look +upon Thee! May they never accustom themselves, after looking on +Thee, to look upon vile things again! and may they have pleasure +in nothing but in Thee, O Lord! Oh, ingratitude of men, how far +will it go! I know by experience that what I am saying is true, +and that all we can say is exceedingly little, when we consider +what Thou doest to the soul which Thou hast led to such a state +as this. O souls, you who have begun to pray, and you who +possess the true faith, what can you be in search of even in this +life, let alone that which is for ever, that is comparable to the +least of these graces? Consider, and it is true, that God gives +Himself to those who give up everything for Him. God is not an +accepter of persons. [11] He loves all; there is no excuse for +any one, however wicked he may be, seeing that He hath thus dealt +with me, raising me to the state I am in. Consider, that what I +am saying is not even an iota of what may be said; I say only +that which is necessary to show the kind of the vision and of the +grace which God bestows on the soul; for that cannot be told +which it feels when our Lord admits it to the understanding of +His secrets and of His mighty works. The joy of this is so far +above all conceivable joys, that it may well make us loathe all +the joys of earth; for they are all but dross; and it is an +odious thing to make them enter into the comparison, even if we +might have them for ever. Those which our Lord gives, what are +they? One drop only of the waters of the overflowing river which +He is reserving for us. + +14. It is a shame! And, in truth, I am ashamed of myself; if +shame could have a place in heaven, I should certainly be the +most ashamed there. Why do we seek blessings and joys so great, +bliss without end, and all at the cost of our good Jesus? +Shall we not at least weep with the daughters of Jerusalem, [12] +if we do not help to carry his cross with the Cyrenean? [13] +Is it by pleasure and idle amusements that we can attain to the +fruition of what He purchased with so much blood? It is +impossible. Can we think that we can, by preserving our honour, +which is vanity, recompense Him for the sufferings He endured, +that we might reign with Him for ever? This is not the way; we +are going by the wrong road utterly, and we shall never arrive +there. You, my father, must lift up your voice, and utter these +truths aloud, seeing that God has taken from me the power of +doing it. I should like to utter them to myself for ever. +I listened to them myself, and came to the knowledge of God so +late, as will appear by what I have written, that I am ashamed of +myself when I speak of this; and so I should like to be silent. + +15. Of one thing, however, I will speak, and I think of it now +and then,--may it be the good pleasure of our Lord to bring me +on, so that I may have the fruition of it!--what will be the +accidental glory and the joy of the blessed who have entered on +it, when they see that, though they were late, yet they left +nothing undone which it was possible for them to do for God, who +kept nothing back they could give Him, and who gave what they +gave in every way they could, according to their strength and +their measure,--they who had more gave more. How rich will he be +who gave up all his riches for Christ! How honourable will he be +who, for His sake, sought no honours whatever, but rather took +pleasure in seeing himself abased! How wise he will be who +rejoiced when men accounted him as mad!--they did so of Wisdom +Itself! [14] How few there are of this kind now, because of our +sins! Now, indeed, they are all gone whom people regarded as +mad, [15] because they saw them perform heroic acts, as true +lovers of Christ. + +16. O world, world! how thou art gaining credit because they are +few who know thee! But do we suppose that God is better pleased +when men account us wise and discreet persons? We think +forthwith that there is but little edification given when people +do not go about, every one in his degree, with great gravity, in +a dignified way. Even in the friar, the ecclesiastic, and the +nun, if they wear old and patched garments, we think it a +novelty, and a scandal to the weak; and even if they are very +recollected and given to prayer. Such is the state of the world, +and so forgotten are matters of perfection, and those grand +impetuosities of the Saints. More mischief, I think, is done in +this way, than by any scandal that might arise if the religious +showed in their actions, as they proclaim it in words, that the +world is to be held in contempt. Out of scandals such as this, +our Lord obtains great fruit. If some people took scandal, +others are filled with remorse: anyhow, we should have before us +some likeness of that which our Lord and His Apostles endured; +for we have need of it now more than ever. + +17. And what an excellent likeness in the person of that blessed +friar, Peter of Alcantara, God has just taken from us! [16] +The world cannot bear such perfection now; it is said that men's +health is grown feebler, and that we are not now in those former +times. But this holy man lived in our day; he had a spirit +strong as those of another age, and so he trampled on the world. +If men do not go about barefooted, nor undergo sharp penances, as +he did, there are many ways, as I have said before, [17] of +trampling on the world; and our Lord teaches them when He finds +the necessary courage. How great was the courage with which His +Majesty filled the Saint I am speaking of! He did penance--oh, +how sharp it was!--for seven-and-forty years, as all men know. +I should like to speak of it, for I know it to be all true. + +18. He spoke of it to me and to another person, from whom he kept +few or no secrets. As for me, it was the affection he bore me +that led him to speak; for it was our Lord's will that he should +undertake my defence, and encourage me, at a time when I was in +great straits, as I said before, and shall speak of again. [18] +He told me, I think, that for forty years he slept but an hour +and a half out of the twenty-four, and that the most laborious +penance he underwent, when he began, was this of overcoming +sleep. For that purpose, he was always either kneeling or +standing. When he slept, he sat down, his head resting against a +piece of wood driven into the wall. Lie down he could not, if he +wished it; for his cell, as every one knows, was only four feet +and a half in length. In all these years, he never covered his +head with his hood, even when the sun was hottest, or the rain +heaviest. He never covered his feet: the only garment he wore +was made of sackcloth, and that was as tight as it could be, with +nothing between it and his flesh; over this, he wore a cloak of +the same stuff. He told me that, in the severe cold, he used to +take off his cloak, and open the door and the window of his cell, +in order that when he put his cloak on again, after shutting the +door and the window, he might give some satisfaction to his body +in the pleasure it might have in the increased warmth. +His ordinary practice was to eat but once in three days. He said +to me, "Why are you astonished at it? it is very possible for any +one who is used to it." One of his companions told me that he +would be occasionally eight days without eating: that must have +been when he was in prayer; for he was subject to trances, and to +the impetuosities of the love of God, of which I was once a +witness myself. + +19. His poverty was extreme; and his mortification, from his +youth, was such,--so he told me,--that he was three years in one +of the houses of his Order without knowing how to distinguish one +friar from another, otherwise than by the voice; for he never +raised his eyes: and so, when he was obliged to go from one part +of the house to the other, he never knew the way, unless he +followed the friars. His journeys, also, were made in the same +way. For many years, he never saw a woman's face. He told me +that it was nothing to him then whether he saw it or not: but he +was an aged man when I made his acquaintance; and his weakness +was so great, that he seemed like nothing else but the roots of +trees. With all his sanctity, he was very agreeable; though his +words were few, unless when he was asked questions; he was very +pleasant to speak to, for he had a most clear understanding. + +20. Many other things I should like to say of him, if I were not +afraid, my father, that you will say, Why does she meddle here? +and it is in that fear I have written this. So I leave the +subject, only saying that his last end was like his +life--preaching to, and exhorting, his brethren. When he saw +that the end was comes he repeated the Psalm, [19] "Lætatus sum +in his quæ dicta sunt mihi;" and then, kneeling down, he died. + +21. Since then, it has pleased our Lord that I should find more +help from him than during his life. He advises me in many +matters. I have often seen him in great glory. The first time +he appeared to me, he said: "O blessed penance, which has merited +so great a reward!" with other things. A year before his death, +he appeared to me being then far away. I knew he was about to +die, and so I sent him word to that effect, when he was some +leagues from here. When he died, he appeared to me, and said +that he was going to his rest. I did not believe it. I spoke of +it to some persons, and within eight days came the news that he +was dead--or, to speak more correctly, he had begun to live +for evermore. [20] + +22. Behold here, then, how that life of sharp penance is +perfected in such great glory: and now he is a greater comfort to +me, I do believe, than he was on earth. Our Lord said to me on +one occasion, that persons could not ask Him anything in his +name, and He not hear them. I have recommended many things to +him that he was to ask of our Lord, and I have seen my petitions +granted. God be blessed for ever! Amen. + +23. But how I have been talking in order to stir you up never to +esteem anything in this life!--as if you did not know this, or as +if you were not resolved to leave everything, and had already +done it! I see so much going wrong in the world, that though my +speaking of it is of no other use than to weary me by writing of +it, it is some relief to me that all I am saying makes against +myself. Our Lord forgive me all that I do amiss herein; and you +too, my father, for wearying you to no purpose. It seems as if I +would make you do penance for my sins herein. + + +1. Ch. xxv. § 20. + +2. See ch. xxviii. § 5, and ch. xxix. § 1. The vision took +place, it seems, on the 29th June. See ch. xxix. § 6. + +3. See ch. vii. § 12. + +4. See Anton. a Spiritu Sancto, Direct. Mystic. tr. iii. disp. v. +§ 3. + +5. See Inner Fortress, vi. 8, § 3. + +6. § 17, infra. + +7. See Relation, vii. § 26. + +8. Inner Fortress, vi. 8, § 3. + +9. Ch. xxv. § 1. + +10. Cant. vi. 4: "Averte oculos tuos a me, quia ipsi me avolare +fecerunt." St. John of the Cross, Mount Carmel, +bk. ii. ch. xxix. n. 6, Engl. trans. + +11. Acts x. 34: "Non est personarum acceptor Deus." + +12. St. Luke xxiii. 28: "Filiæ Jerusalem, nolite flere super Me, +sed super vos ipsas flete." + +13. St. Matt. xxvii. 32: "Hunc angariaverunt ut tolleret +crucem Ejus." + +14. St. John x. 20: "Dæmonium habet et insanit: quid +Eum auditis?" + +15. Sap. v. 4: "Nos insensati vitam illorum +æstimabamus insaniam." + +16. 18th Oct. 1562. As the Saint finished the first relation of +her life in June, 1562, this is one of the additions +subsequently made. + +17. Ch. xiv. § 7. + +18. Ch. xxvi. § 3, ch. xxxii. § 16. + +19. Psalm cxxi. The words in the MS. are: "Letatun sun yn is que +dita sun miqui" (De la Fuente). + +20. See ch. xxx. § 2. + + + +Chapter XXVIII. + + +Visions of the Sacred Humanity, and of the Glorified Bodies. +Imaginary Visions. Great Fruits Thereof When They Come from God. + + +1. I now resume our subject. I spent some days, not many, with +that vision [1] continually before me. It did me so much good, +that I never ceased to pray. Even when I did cease, I contrived +that it should be in such a way as that I should not displease +Him whom I saw so clearly present, an eye-witness of my acts. +And though I was occasionally afraid, because so much was said to +me about delusions, that fear lasted not long, because our Lord +reassured me. + +2. It pleased our Lord, one day that I was in prayer, to show me +His Hands, and His Hands only. The beauty of them was so great, +that no language can describe it. This put me in great fear; for +everything that is strange, in the beginning of any new grace +from God, makes me very much afraid. A few days later, I saw His +divine Face, and I was utterly entranced. I could not understand +why our Lord showed Himself in this way, seeing that, afterwards, +He granted me the grace of seeing His whole Person. Later on, I +understood that His Majesty was dealing with me according to the +weakness of my nature. May He be blessed for ever! A glory so +great was more than one so base and wicked could bear; and our +merciful Lord, knowing this, ordered it in this way. + +3. You will think, my father, that it required no great courage +to look upon Hands and Face so beautiful. But so beautiful are +glorified bodies, that the glory which surrounds them renders +those who see that which is so supernatural and beautiful beside +themselves. It was so with me: I was in such great fear, +trouble, and perplexity at the sight. Afterwards there ensued a +sense of safety and certainty, together with other results, so +that all fear passed immediately away. [2] + +4. On one of the feasts of St. Paul, [3] when I was at Mass, +there stood before me the most Sacred Humanity, [4] as painters +represent Him after the resurrection, in great beauty and +majesty, as I particularly described it to you, my father, when +you had insisted on it. It was painful enough to have to write +about it, for I could not describe it without doing great +violence to myself. But I described it as well as I could, and +there is no reason why I should now recur to it. One thing, +however, I have to say: if in heaven itself there were nothing +else to delight our eyes but the great beauty of glorified +bodies, that would be an excessive bliss, particularly the vision +of the Humanity of Jesus Christ our Lord. If here below, where +His Majesty shows Himself to us according to the measure which +our wretchedness can bear, it is so great, what must it be there, +where the fruition of it is complete! + +5. This vision, though imaginary, I never saw with my bodily +eyes, nor, indeed, any other, but only with the eyes of the soul. +Those who understand these things better than I do, say that the +intellectual vision is more perfect than this; and this, the +imaginary vision, much more perfect than those visions which are +seen by the bodily eyes. The latter kind of visions, they say, +is the lowest; and it is by these that the devil can most delude +us. [5] I did not know it then; for I wished, when this grace +had been granted me, that it had been so in such a way that I +could see it with my bodily eyes, in order that my confessor +might not say to me that I indulged in fancies. + +6. After the vision was over, it happened that I too +imagined--the thought came at once--I had fancied these things; +so I was distressed, because I had spoken of them to my +confessor, thinking that I might have been deceiving him. +There was another lamentation: I went to my confessor, and told +him of my doubts. He would ask me whether I told him the truth so +far as I knew it; or, if not, had I intended to deceive him? +I would reply, that I told the truth; for, to the best of my +belief, I did not lie, nor did I mean anything of the kind; +neither would I tell a lie for the whole world. [6] This he knew +well enough; and, accordingly, he contrived to quiet me; and I +felt so much the going to him with these doubts, that I cannot +tell how Satan could have put it into my head that I invented +those things for the purpose of tormenting myself. + +7. But our Lord made such haste to bestow this grace upon me, and +to declare the reality of it, that all doubts of the vision being +a fancy on my part were quickly taken away, and ever since I see +most clearly how silly I was. For if I were to spend many years +in devising how to picture to myself anything so beautiful, I +should never be able, nor even know how, to do it for it is +beyond the reach of any possible imagination here below: the +whiteness and brilliancy alone are inconceivable. It is not a +brilliancy which dazzles, but a delicate whiteness and a +brilliancy infused, furnishing the most excessive delight to the +eyes, never wearied thereby, nor by the visible brightness which +enables us to see a beauty so divine. It is a light so different +from any light here below, that the very brightness of the sun we +see, in comparison with the brightness and light before our eyes, +seems to be something so obscure, that no one would ever wish to +open his eyes again. + +8. It is like most pellucid water running in a bed of crystal, +reflecting the rays of the sun, compared with most muddy water on +a cloudy day, flowing on the surface of the earth. Not that +there is anything like the sun present here, nor is the light +like that of the sun: this light seems to be natural; and, in +comparison with it, every other light is something artificial. +It is a light which knows no night; but rather, as it is always +light, nothing ever disturbs it. In short, it is such that no +man, however gifted he may be, can ever, in the whole course of +his life, arrive at any imagination of what it is. God puts it +before us so instantaneously, that we could not open our eyes in +time to see it, if it were necessary for us to open them at all. +But whether our eyes be open or shut, it makes no difference +whatever; for when our Lord wills, we must see it, whether we +will or not. No distraction can shut it out, no power can resist +it, nor can we attain to it by any diligence or efforts of our +own. I know this by experience well, as I shall show you. + +9. That which I wish now to speak of is the manner in which our +Lord manifests Himself in these visions. I do not mean that I am +going to explain how it is that a light so strong can enter the +interior sense, or so distinct an image the understanding, so as +to seem to be really there; for this must be work for learned +men. Our Lord has not been pleased to let me understand how it +is. I am so ignorant myself, and so dull of understanding, that, +although people have very much wished to explain it to me, I have +never been able to understand how it can be. + +10. This is the truth: though you, my father, may think that I +have a quick understanding, it is not so; for I have found out, +in many ways, that my understanding can take in only, as they +say, what is given to it to eat. Sometimes my confessor used to +be amazed at my ignorance: and he never explained to me--nor, +indeed, did I desire to understand--how God did this, nor how it +could be. Nor did I ever ask; though, as I have said, [7] I had +converse for many years with men of great learning. But I did +ask them if this or that were a sin or not: as for everything +else, the thought that God did it all was enough for me. I saw +there was no reason to be afraid, but great reason to praise Him. +On the other hand, difficulties increase my devotion; and the +greater the difficulty the greater the increase. + +11. I will therefore relate what my experience has shown me; but +how our Lord brought it about, you, my father, will explain +better than I can, and make clear all that is obscure, and beyond +my skill to explain. Now and then it seemed to me that what I +saw was an image; but most frequently it was not so. I thought +it was Christ Himself, judging by the brightness in which He was +pleased to show Himself. Sometimes the vision was so indistinct, +that I thought it was an image; but still not like a picture, +however well painted--and I have seen many good pictures. +It would be absurd to suppose that the one bears any resemblance +whatever to the other, for they differ as a living person differs +from his portrait, which, however well drawn, cannot be lifelike, +for it is plain that it is a dead thing. But let this pass, +though to the purpose, and literally true. + +12. I do not say this by way of comparison, for comparisons are +never exact, but because it is the truth itself, as there is the +same difference here that there is between a living subject and +the portrait thereof, neither more nor less: for if what I saw +was an image, it was a living image,--not a dead man, but the +living Christ: and He makes me see that He is God and man,--not +as He was in the sepulchre, but as He was when He had gone forth +from it, risen from the dead. He comes at times in majesty so +great, that no one can have any doubt that it is our Lord +Himself, especially after Communion: we know that He is then +present, for faith says so. He shows Himself so clearly to be +the Lord of that little dwelling-place, that the soul seems to be +dissolved and lost in Christ. O my Jesus, who can describe the +majesty wherein Thou showest Thyself! How utterly Thou art the +Lord of the whole world, and of heaven, and of a thousand other +and innumerable worlds and heavens, the creation of which is +possible to Thee! The soul understands by that majesty wherein +Thou showest Thyself that it is nothing for Thee to be Lord of +all this. + +13. Here it is plain, O my Jesus, how slight is the power of all +the devils in comparison with Thine, and how he who is pleasing +unto Thee is able to tread all hell under his feet. Here we see +why the devils trembled when Thou didst go down to Limbus, and +why they might have longed for a thousand hells still lower, that +they might escape from Thy terrible Majesty. I see that it is +Thy will the soul should feel the greatness of Thy Majesty, and +the power of Thy most Sacred Humanity, united with Thy Divinity. +Here, too, we see what the day of judgment will be, when we shall +behold the King in His Majesty, and in the rigour of His justice +against the wicked. Here we learn true humility, imprinted in +the soul by the sight of its own wretchedness, of which now it +cannot be ignorant. Here, also, is confusion of face, and true +repentance for sins; for though the soul sees that our Lord shows +how He loves it, yet it knows not where to go, and so is +utterly dissolved. + +14. My meaning is, that so exceedingly great is the power of this +vision, when our Lord shows the soul much of His grandeur and +majesty, that it is impossible, in my opinion, for any soul to +endure it, if our Lord did not succour it in a most supernatural +way, by throwing it into a trance or ecstasy, whereby the vision +of the divine presence is lost in the fruition thereof. It is +true that afterwards the vision is forgotten; but there remains +so deep an impression of the majesty and beauty of God, that it +is impossible to forget it, except when our Lord is pleased that +the soul should suffer from aridity and desolation, of which I +shall speak hereafter; [8] for then it seems to forget God +Himself. The soul is itself no longer, it is always inebriated; +it seems as if a living love of God, of the highest kind, made a +new beginning within it; for though the former vision, which I +said represented God without any likeness of Him, [9] is of a +higher kind, yet because of our weakness, in order that the +remembrance of the vision may last, and that our thoughts may be +well occupied, it is a great matter that a presence so divine +should remain and abide in our imagination. These two kinds of +visions come almost always together, and they do so come; for we +behold the excellency and beauty and glory of the most Holy +Humanity with the eyes of the soul. And in the other way I have +spoken of,--that of intellectual vision,--we learn how He is God, +is mighty, can do all things, commands all things, governs all +things, and fills all things with His love. + +15. This vision is to be esteemed very highly; nor is there, in +my opinion, any risk in it, because the fruits of it show that +the devil has no power here. I think he tried three or four +times to represent our Lord to me, in this way, by a false image +of Him. He takes the appearance of flesh, but he cannot +counterfeit the glory which it has when the vision is from God. +Satan makes his representations in order to undo the true vision +which the soul has had: but the soul resists instinctively; is +troubled, disgusted, and restless; it loses that devotion and joy +it previously had, and cannot pray at all. In the beginning, it +so happened to me three or four times. These satanic visions are +very different things; and even he who shall have attained to the +prayer of quiet only will, I believe, detect them by those +results of them which I described when I was speaking of +locutions. [10] They are most easily recognised; and if a soul +consents not to its own delusion, I do not think that Satan will +be able to deceive it, provided it walks in humility and +singleness of heart. He who shall have had the true vision, +coming from God, detects the false visions at once; for, though +they begin with a certain sweetness and joy, the soul rejects +them of itself; and the joy which Satan ministers must be, I +think, very different--it shows no traces of pure and holy love: +Satan very quickly betrays himself. + +16. Thus, then, as I believe, Satan can do no harm to anyone who +has had experience of these things; for it is the most impossible +of all impossible things that all this may be the work of the +imagination. There is no ground whatever for the supposition; +for the very beauty and whiteness of one of our Lord's Hands [11] +are beyond our imagination altogether. How is it that we see +present before us, in a moment, what we do not remember, what we +have never thought of, and, moreover, what, in a long space of +time, the imagination could not compass, because, as I have just +said, [12] it far transcends anything we can comprehend in this +life? This, then, is not possible. Whether we have any power in +the matter or not will appear by what I am now going to say. + +17. If the vision were the work of a man's own +understanding,--setting aside that such a vision would not +accomplish the great results of the true one, nor, indeed, any at +all,--it would be as the act of one who tries to go to sleep, and +yet continues awake, because sleep has not come. He longs for +it, because of some necessity or weakness in his head: and so he +lulls himself to sleep, and makes efforts to procure it, and now +and then thinks he has succeeded; but, if the sleep be not real, +it will not support him, nor supply strength to his head: on the +contrary, his head will very often be the worse for it. So will +it be here, in a measure; the soul will be dissipated, neither +sustained nor strengthened; on the contrary, it will be wearied +and disgusted. But, in the true vision, the riches which abide +in the soul cannot be described; even the body receives health +and comfort. + +18. I urged this argument, among others, when they told me that +my visions came from the evil one, and that I imagined them +myself,--and it was very often,--and made use of certain +illustrations, as well as I could, and as our Lord suggested to +me. But all was to little purpose; for as there were most holy +persons in the place,--in comparison with whom I was a mass of +perdition,--whom God did not lead by this way, they were at once +filled with fear; they thought it all came through my sins. +And so my state was talked about, and came to the knowledge of +many; though I had spoken of it to no one, except my confessor, +or to those to whom he commanded [13] me to speak of it. + +19. I said to them once, If they who thus speak of my state were +to tell me that a person with whom I had just conversed, and whom +I knew well, was not that person, but that I was deluding myself, +and that they knew it, I should certainly trust them rather than +my own eyes. But if that person left with me certain +jewels,--and if, possessing none previously, I held the jewels in +my hand as pledges of a great love,--and if I were now rich, +instead of poor as before,--I should not be able to believe this +that they said, though I might wish it. These jewels I could now +show them, for all who knew me saw clearly that my soul was +changed,--and so my confessor said; for the difference was very +great in every way--not a pretence, but such as all might most +clearly observe. As I was formerly so wicked, I said, I could +not believe that Satan, if he wished to deceive me and take me +down to hell, would have recourse to means so adverse to his +purpose as this, of rooting out my faults, implanting virtues and +spiritual strength; for I saw clearly that I had become at once +another person through the instrumentality of these visions. + +20. My confessor, who was, as I said before, [14] one of the +fathers of the Society of Jesus, and a really holy man, answered +them in the same way,--so I learnt afterwards. He was a most +discreet man, and of great humility; but this great humility of +his brought me into serious trouble: for, though he was a man +much given to prayer, and learned, he never trusted his own +judgment, because our Lord was not leading him by this way. +He had, therefore, much to suffer on my account, in many ways. +I knew they used to say to him that he must be on his guard +against me, lest Satan should delude him through a belief in +anything I might say to him. They gave instances of others who +were deluded. [15] All this distressed me. I began to be afraid +I should find no one to hear my confession, [16] and that all +would avoid me. I did nothing but weep. + +21. It was a providence of God that he was willing to stand by me +and hear my confession. But he was so great a servant of God, +that he would have exposed himself to anything for His sake. +So he told me that if I did not offend God, nor swerve from the +instructions he gave me, there was no fear I should be deserted +by him. He encouraged me always, and quieted me. He bade me +never to conceal anything from him; and I never did. [17] +He used to say that, so long as I did this, the devil, if it were +the devil, could not hurt me; on the contrary, out of that evil +which Satan wished to do me, our Lord would bring forth good. +He laboured with all his might to make me perfect. As I was very +much afraid myself, I obeyed him in everything, though +imperfectly. He had much to suffer on my account during three +years of trouble and more, because he heard my confession all +that time; for in the great persecutions that fell upon me, and +the many harsh judgments of me which our Lord permitted,--many of +which I did not deserve,--everything was carried to him, and he +was found fault with because of me,--he being all the while +utterly blameless. + +22. If he had not been so holy a man, and if our Lord had not +been with him, it would have, been impossible for him to bear so +much; for he had to answer those who regarded me as one going to +destruction; and they would not believe what he said to them. +On the other hand, he had to quiet me, and relieve me of my +fears; when my fears increased, he had again to reassure me; for, +after every vision which was strange to me, our Lord permitted me +to remain in great fear. All this was the result of my being +then, and of having been, a sinner. He used to console me out of +his great compassion; and, if he had trusted to his own +convictions, I should not have had so much to suffer; for God +revealed the whole truth to him. I believe that he received this +light from the Blessed Sacrament. + +23. Those servants of God who were not satisfied had many +conversations with me. [18] As I spoke to them carelessly, so +they misunderstood my meaning in many things. I had a great +regard for one of them; for my soul owed him more than I can +tell. He was a most holy man, and I felt it most acutely when I +saw that he did not understand me. He had a great desire for my +improvement, and hoped our Lord would enlighten me. So, then, +because I spoke, as I was saying, without careful consideration, +they looked upon me as deficient in humility; and when they +detected any of my faults--they might have detected many--they +condemned me at once. They used to put certain questions to me, +which I answered simply and carelessly. Then they concluded +forthwith that I wished to teach them, and that I considered +myself to be a learned woman. All this was carried to my +confessor,--for certainly they desired my amendment--and so he +would reprimand me. This lasted some time, and I was distressed +on many sides; but, with the graces which our Lord gave me, I +bore it all. + +24. I relate this in order that people may see what a great trial +it is not to find any one who knows this way of the spirit by +experience. If our Lord had not dealt so favourably with me, I +know not what would have become of me. There were some things +that were enough to take away my reason; and now and then I was +reduced to such straits that I could do nothing but lift up my +eyes to our Lord. [19] The contradiction of good people, which a +wretched woman, weak, wicked, and timid as I am, must bear with, +seems to be nothing when thus described; but I, who in the course +of my life passed through very great trials, found this one of +the heaviest. [20] + +25. May our Lord grant that I may have pleased His Majesty a +little herein; for I am sure that they pleased Him who condemned +and rebuked me, and that it was all for my great good. + + +1. Ch. xxvii. § 3. + +2. Philipp. a SS. Trinitate, Theolog. Mystic. par. 2, tr. 3, +disc. iv., art. 8: "Quamvis in principio visiones a dæmone fictæ +aliquam habeant pacem ac dulcedinem, in fine tamen confusionum et +amaritudinem in anima relinquunt; cujus contrarium est in divinis +visionibus, quæ sæpe turbant in principio, sed semper in fine +pacem animæ relinquunt." St. John of the Cross, Spiritual +Canticle, st. 14, p. 84: "In the spiritual passage from the sleep +of natural ignorance to the wakefulness of the supernatural +understanding, which is the beginning of trance or ecstasy, the +spiritual vision then revealed makes the soul fear and tremble." + +3. See ch. xxix. § 4. + +4. "The holy Mother, Teresa of Jesus, had these imaginary visions +for many years, seeing our Lord continually present before her in +great beauty, risen from the dead, with His wounds and the crown +of thorns. She had a picture made of Him, which she gave to me, +and which I gave to Don Fernando de Toledo, Duke of Alva" (Jerome +Gratian, Union del Alma, cap. 5. Madrid, 1616). + +5. Anton. a Sp. Sancto, Direct. Mystic. tr. iii. disp. 5, § I, +n. 315: "Visio corporea est infima, visio imaginaria est media, +visio intellectualis est suprema." N. 322: "Apparitio visibilis, +cum sit omnium infima, est magis exposita illusioni diaboli, nisi +forte huic visioni corporali visio intellectualis adjungatur, ut +in apparitione S. Gabrielis archangeli facta Beatæ Virgini." + +6. See ch. xxx. § 18. + +7. Ch. xxv. § 18. + +8. Ch. xxx. §§ 9, 10. See St. John of the Cross, Obscure Night, +bk. ii. ch. 7. + +9. Ch. xxvii. § 3. + +10. Ch. xxv. § 8. + +11. See § 2. + +12. § 7, supra. + +13. See ch. xxiii. § 14. + +14. Ch. xxiv. § 5. + +15. There were in Spain, and elsewhere, many women who were +hypocrites, or deluded. Among others was the prioress of Lisbon, +afterwards notorious, who deceived Luis of Granada (De +la Fuente). + +16. Inner Fortress, vi. 1, § 4. + +17. Ch. xxvi. § 5; Inner Fortress, vi. 9, § 7. + +18. See ch. xxv. § 18. + +19. 2 Paralip. xx. 12: "Sed cum ignoremus quid agere debeamus, +hoc solum habemus residui, ut oculos nostros dirigamus ad Te." + +20. See ch. xxx. § 6. + + + +Chapter XXIX. + + +Of Visions. The Graces Our Lord Bestowed on the Saint. +The Answers Our Lord Gave Her for Those Who Tried Her. + + +1. I have wandered far from the subject; for I undertook to +give reasons why the vision was no work of the imagination. +For how can we, by any efforts of ours, picture to ourselves the +Humanity of Christ, and imagine His great beauty? No little time +is necessary, if our conception is in any way to resemble it. +Certainly, the imagination may be able to picture it, and a +person may for a time contemplate that picture,--the form and the +brightness of it,--and gradually make it more perfect, and so lay +up that image in his memory. Who can hinder this, seeing that it +could be fashioned by the understanding? But as to the vision of +which I am speaking, there are no means of bringing it about; +only we must behold it when our Lord is pleased to present it +before us, as He wills and what He wills; and there is no +possibility of taking anything away from it, or of adding +anything to it; nor is there any way of effecting it, whatever we +may do, nor of seeing it when we like, nor of abstaining from +seeing; if we try to gaze upon it--part of the vision in +particular--the vision of Christ is lost at once. + +2. For two years and a half God granted me this grace very +frequently; but it is now more than three years since He has +taken away from me its continual presence, through another of a +higher nature, as I shall perhaps explain hereafter. [1] +And though I saw Him speaking to me, and though I was +contemplating His great beauty, and the sweetness with which +those words of His came forth from His divine mouth,--they were +sometimes uttered with severity,--and though I was extremely +desirous to behold the colour of His eyes, or the form of them, +so that I might be able to describe them, yet I never attained to +the sight of them, and I could do nothing for that end; on the +contrary, I lost the vision altogether. And though I see that He +looks upon me at times with great tenderness, yet so strong is +His gaze, that my soul cannot endure it; I fall into a trance so +deep, that I lose the beautiful vision, in order to have a +greater fruition of it all. + +3. Accordingly, willing or not willing, the vision has +nothing to do with it. Our Lord clearly regards nothing but +humility and confusion of face, the acceptance of what He wishes +to give, and the praise of Himself, the Giver. This is true of +all visions without exception: we can contribute nothing towards +them--we cannot add to them, nor can we take from them; our own +efforts can neither make nor unmake them. Our Lord would have us +see most clearly that it is no work of ours, but of His Divine +Majesty; we are therefore the less able to be proud of it: on the +contrary, it makes us humble and afraid; for we see that, as our +Lord can take from us the power of seeing what we would see, so +also can He take from us these mercies and His grace, and we may +be lost for ever. We must therefore walk in His fear while we +are living in this our exile. + +4. Our Lord showed Himself to me almost always as He is +after His resurrection. It was the same in the Host; only at +those times when I was in trouble, and when it was His will to +strengthen me, did He show His wounds. Sometimes I saw Him on +the cross, in the Garden, crowned with thorns,--but that was +rarely; sometimes also carrying His cross because of my +necessities,--I may say so,--or those of others; but always in +His glorified body. Many reproaches and many vexations have I +borne while telling this--many suspicions and much persecution +also. So certain were they to whom I spoke that I had an evil +spirit, that some would have me exorcised. I did not care much +for this; but I felt it bitterly when I saw that my confessors +were afraid to hear me, or when I knew that they were told of +anything about me. + +5. Notwithstanding all this, I never could be sorry that I +had had these heavenly visions; nor would I exchange even one of +them for all the wealth and all the pleasures of the world. +I always regarded them as a great mercy from our Lord; and to me +they were the very greatest treasure,--of this our Lord assured +me often. I used to go to Him to complain of all these +hardships; and I came away from prayer consoled, and with renewed +strength. I did not dare to contradict those who were trying me; +for I saw that it made matters worse, because they looked on my +doing so as a failure in humility. I spoke of it to my +confessor; he always consoled me greatly when he saw me +in distress. + +6. As my visions grew in frequency, one of those who used to +help me before--it was to him I confessed when the +father-minister [2] could not hear me--began to say that I was +certainly under the influence of Satan. He bade me, now that I +had no power of resisting, always to make the sign of the cross +when I had a vision, to point my finger at it by way of +scorn, [3] and be firmly persuaded of its diabolic nature. If I +did this, the vision would not recur. I was to be without fear +on the point; God would watch over me, and take the vision +away. [4] This was a great hardship for me; for, as I could not +believe that the vision did not come from God, it was a fearful +thing for me to do; and I could not wish, as I said before, that +the visions should be withheld. However, I did at last as I was +bidden. I prayed much to our Lord, that He would deliver me from +delusions. I was always praying to that effect, and with many +tears. I had recourse also to St. Peter and St. Paul; for our +Lord had said to me--it was on their feast that He had appeared +to me the first time [5]--that they would preserve me from +delusion. I used to see them frequently most distinctly on my +left hand; but that vision was not imaginary. These glorious +Saints were my very good lords. + +7. It was to me a most painful thing to make a show of +contempt whenever I saw our Lord in a vision; for when I saw Him +before me, if I were to be cut in pieces, I could not believe it +was Satan. This was to me, therefore, a heavy kind of penance; +and accordingly, that I might not be so continually crossing +myself, I used to hold a crucifix in my hand. This I did almost +always; but I did not always make signs of contempt, because I +felt that too much. It reminded me of the insults which the Jews +heaped upon Him; and so I prayed Him to forgive me, seeing that I +did so in obedience to him who stood in His stead, and not to lay +the blame on me, seeing that he was one of those whom He had +placed as His ministers in His Church. He said to me that I was +not to distress myself--that I did well to obey; but He would +make them see the truth of the matter. He seemed to me to be +angry when they made me give up my prayer. [6] He told me to say +to them that this was tyranny. He gave me reasons for believing +that the vision was not satanic; some of them I mean to repeat by +and by. + +8. On one occasion,when I was holding in my hand the cross +of my rosary, He took it from me into His own hand. He returned +it; but it was then four large stones incomparably more precious +than diamonds; for nothing can be compared with what is +supernatural. Diamonds seem counterfeits and imperfect when +compared with these precious stones. The five wounds were +delineated on them with most admirable art. He said to me, that +for the future that cross would appear so to me always; and so it +did. I never saw the wood of which it was made, but only the +precious stones. They were seen, however, by no one else,--only +by myself. [7] + +9. When they had begun to insist on my putting my visions to +a test like this, and resisting them, the graces I received were +multiplied more and more. I tried to distract myself; I never +ceased to be in prayer: even during sleep my prayer seemed to be +continual; for now my love grew, I made piteous complaints to our +Lord, and told Him I could not bear it. Neither was it in my +power--though I desired, and, more than that, even strove--to +give up thinking of Him. Nevertheless, I obeyed to the utmost of +my power; but my power was little or nothing in the matter; and +our Lord never released me from that obedience; but though He +bade me obey my confessor, He reassured me in another way, and +taught me what I was to say. He has continued to do so until +now; and He gave me reasons so sufficient, that I felt myself +perfectly safe. + +10. Not long afterwards His Majesty began, according to His +promise, to make it clear that it was He Himself who appeared, by +the growth in me of the love of God so strong, that I knew not +who could have infused it; for it was most supernatural, and I +had not attained to it by any efforts of my own. I saw myself +dying with a desire to see God, and I knew not how to seek that +life otherwise than by dying. Certain great impetuosities [8] of +love, though not so intolerable as those of which I have spoken +before, [9] nor yet of so great worth, overwhelmed me. I knew +not what to do; for nothing gave me pleasure, and I had no +control over myself. It seemed as if my soul were really torn +away from myself. Oh, supreme artifice of our Lord! how tenderly +didst Thou deal with Thy miserable slave! Thou didst hide +Thyself from me, and didst yet constrain me with Thy love, with a +death so sweet, that my soul would never wish it over. + +11. It is not possible for any one to understand these +impetuosities if he has not experienced them himself. They are +not an upheaving of the breast, nor those devotional sensations, +not uncommon, which seem on the point of causing suffocation, and +are beyond control. That prayer is of a much lower order; and +those agitations should be avoided by gently endeavouring to be +recollected; and the soul should be kept in quiet. This prayer +is like the sobbing of little children, who seem on the point of +choking, and whose disordered senses are soothed by giving them +to drink. So here reason should draw in the reins, because +nature itself may be contributing to it and we should consider +with fear that all this may not be perfect, and that much +sensuality may be involved in it. The infant soul should be +soothed by the caresses of love, which shall draw forth its love +in a gentle way, and not, as they say, by force of blows. +This love should be inwardly under control, and not as a caldron, +fiercely boiling because too much fuel has been applied to it, +and out of which everything is lost. The source of the fire must +be kept under control, and the flame must be quenched in sweet +tears, and not with those painful tears which come out of these +emotions, and which do so much harm. + +12. In the beginning, I had tears of this kind. They left +me with a disordered head and a wearied spirit, and for a day or +two afterwards unable to resume my prayer. Great discretion, +therefore, is necessary at first, in order that everything may +proceed gently, and that the operations of the spirit may be +within; all outward manifestations should be carefully avoided. + +13. These other impetuosities are very different. It is not +we who apply the fuel; the fire is already kindled, and we are +thrown into it in a moment to be consumed. It is by no efforts +of the soul that it sorrows over the wound which the absence of +our Lord has inflicted on it; it is far otherwise; for an arrow +is driven into the entrails to the very quick, [10] and into the +heart at times, so that the soul knows not what is the matter +with it, nor what it wishes for. It understands clearly enough +that it wishes for God, and that the arrow seems tempered with +some herb which makes the soul hate itself for the love of our +Lord, and willingly lose its life for Him. It is impossible to +describe or explain the way in which God wounds the soul, nor the +very grievous pain inflicted, which deprives it of all +self-consciousness; yet this pain is so sweet, that there is no +joy in the world which gives greater delight. As I have just +said, [11] the soul would wish to be always dying of this wound. + +14. This pain and bliss together carried me out of myself, +and I never could understand how it was. Oh, what a sight a +wounded soul is!--a soul, I mean, so conscious of it, as to be +able to say of itself that it is wounded for so good a cause; and +seeing distinctly that it never did anything whereby this love +should come to it, and that it does come from that exceeding love +which our Lord bears it. A spark seems to have fallen suddenly +upon it, that has set it all on fire. Oh, how often do I +remember, when in this state, those words of David: "Quemadmodum +desiderat cervus ad fontes aquarum"! [12] They seem to me to be +literally true of myself. + +15. When these impetuosities are not very violent they seem +to admit of a little mitigation--at least, the soul seeks some +relief, because it knows not what to do--through certain +penances; the painfulness of which, and even the shedding of its +blood, are no more felt than if the body were dead. The soul +seeks for ways and means to do something that may be felt, for +the love of God; but the first pain is so great, that no bodily +torture I know of can take it away. As relief is not to be had +here, these medicines are too mean for so high a disease. +Some slight mitigation may be had, and the pain may pass away a +little, by praying God to relieve its sufferings: but the soul +sees no relief except in death, by which it thinks to attain +completely to the fruition of its good. At other times, these +impetuosities are so violent, that the soul can do neither this +nor anything else; the whole body is contracted, and neither hand +nor foot can be moved: if the body be upright at the time, it +falls down, as a thing that has no control over itself. +It cannot even breathe; all it does is to moan--not loudly, +because it cannot: its moaning, however, comes from a keen sense +of pain. + +16. Our Lord was pleased that I should have at times a +vision of this kind: I saw an angel close by me, on my left side, +in bodily form. This I am not accustomed to see, unless very +rarely. Though I have visions of angels frequently, yet I see +them only by an intellectual vision, such as I have spoken of +before. [13] It was our Lord's will that in this vision I should +see the angel in this wise. He was not large, but small of +stature, and most beautiful--his face burning, as if he were one +of the highest angels, who seem to be all of fire: they must be +those whom we call cherubim. [14] Their names they never tell +me; but I see very well that there is in heaven so great a +difference between one angel and another, and between these and +the others, that I cannot explain it. + +17. I saw in his hand a long spear of gold, and at the +iron's point there seemed to be a little fire. He appeared to me +to be thrusting it at times into my heart, [15] and to pierce my +very entrails; when he drew it out, he seemed to draw them out +also, and to leave me all on fire with a great love of God. +The pain was so great, that it made me moan; and yet so +surpassing was the sweetness of this excessive pain, that I could +not wish to be rid of it. The soul is satisfied now with nothing +less than God. The pain is not bodily, but spiritual; though the +body has its share in it, even a large one. It is a caressing of +love so sweet which now takes place between the soul and God, +that I pray God of His goodness to make him experience it who may +think that I am lying. [16] + +18. During the days that this lasted, I went about as if +beside myself. I wished to see, or speak with, no one, but only +to cherish my pain, which was to me a greater bliss than all +created things could give me. [17] + +19. I was in this state from time to time, whenever it was +our Lord's pleasure to throw me into those deep trances, which I +could not prevent even when I was in the company of others, and +which, to my deep vexation, came to be publicly known. +Since then, I do not feel that pain so much, but only that which +I spoke of before,--I do not remember the chapter, [18]--which is +in many ways very different from it, and of greater worth. +On the other hand, when this pain, of which I am now speaking, +begins, our Lord seems to lay hold of the soul, and to throw it +into a trance, so that there is no time for me to have any sense +of pain or suffering, because fruition ensues at once. May He be +blessed for ever, who hath bestowed such great graces on one who +has responded so ill to blessings so great! + + +1. Ch. xl. + +2. Baltasar Alvarez was father-minister of the house of +St. Giles, Avila, in whose absence she had recourse to another +father of that house (Ribera, i. ch. 6). + +3. Y diese higas. "Higa es una manera de menosprecio que hacemos +cerrando el puño, y mostrando el dedo pulgar por entre el dedo +indice, y el medio" (Cobarruvias, in voce). + +4. See Book of the Foundations, ch. viii. § 3, where the Saint +refers to this advice, and to the better advice given her later +by F. Dominic Bañes, one of her confessors. See also Inner +Fortress, vi. 9, § 7. + +5. See ch. xxvii. § 3, and ch. xxviii. § 4. + +6. Ch. xxv. § 18. + +7. The cross was made of ebony (Ribera). It is not known where +that cross is now. The Saint gave it to her sister, Doña Juana +de Ahumada, who begged it of her. Some say that the Carmelites +of Madrid possess it; and others, those of Valladolid (De +la Fuente). + +8. See Relation, i. § 3. + +9. Ch. xx. § 11. + +10. Inner Fortress, vi. 11, § 2; St. John of the Cross, Spiritual +Canticle, st. 1, p. 22, Engl. trans. + +11. § 10. + +12. Psalm xli. 2: "As the longing of the hart for the fountains +of waters, so is the longing of my soul for Thee, O my God." + +13. Ch. xxvii. § 3. + +14. In the MS. of the Saint preserved in the Escurial, the word +is "cherubines;" but all the editors before Don Vicente de la +Fuente have adopted the suggestion, in the margin, of Bañes, who +preferred "seraphim." F. Bouix, in his translation, corrected +the mistake; but, with his usual modesty, did not call the +reader's attention to it. + +15. See Relation, viii. § 16. + +16. "The most probable opinion is, that the piercing of the heart +of the Saint took place in 1559. The hymn which she composed on +that occasion was discovered in Seville in 1700 ("En las internas +entrañas"). On the high altar of the Carmelite church in Alba de +Tormes, the heart of the Saint thus pierced is to be seen; and I +have seen it myself more than once" (De la Fuente). + +17. Brev. Rom. in fest. S. Teresiæ, Oct. 15, Lect. v.: "Tanto +autem divini amoris incendio cor ejus conflagravit, ut merito +viderit Angelum ignito jaculo sibi præcordia transverberantem." +The Carmelites keep the feast of this piercing of the Saint's +heart on the 27th of August. + +18. Ch. xx. § 11. + + + +Chapter XXX. + + +St. Peter of Alcantara Comforts the Saint. Great Temptations and +Interior Trials. + + +1. When I saw that I was able to do little or nothing towards +avoiding these great impetuosities, I began also to be afraid of +them, because I could not understand how this pain and joy could +subsist together. I knew it was possible enough for bodily pain +and spiritual joy to dwell together; but the coexistence of a +spiritual pain so excessive as this, and of joy so deep, troubled +my understanding. Still, I tried to continue my resistance; but +I was so little able, that I was now and then wearied. I used to +take up the cross for protection, and try to defend myself +against Him who, by the cross, is the Protector of us all. I saw +that no one understood me. I saw it very clearly myself, but I +did not dare to say so to any one except my confessor; for that +would have been a real admission that I had no humility. + +2. Our Lord was pleased to succour me in a great measure,--and, +for the moment, altogether,--by bringing to the place where I was +that blessed friar, Peter of Alcantara. Of him I spoke before, +and said something of his penance. [1] Among other things, I +have been assured that he wore continually, for twenty years, a +girdle made of iron. [2] He is the author of certain little +books, in Spanish, on prayer, which are now in common use; for, +as he was much exercised therein, his writings are very +profitable to those who are given to prayer. He kept the first +rule of the blessed St. Francis in all its rigour, and did those +things besides of which I spoke before. + +3. When that widow, the servant of God and my friend, of whom I +have already spoken, [3] knew that so great a man had come, she +took her measures. She knew the straits I was in, for she was an +eye-witness of my afflictions, and was a great comfort to me. +Her faith was so strong, that she could not help believing that +what others said was the work of the devil was really the work of +the Spirit of God; and as she is a person of great sense and +great caution, and one to whom our Lord is very bountiful in +prayer, it pleased His Majesty to let her see what learned men +failed to discern. My confessors gave me leave to accept relief +in some things from her, because in many ways she was able to +afford it. Some of those graces which our Lord bestowed on me +fell to her lot occasionally, together with instructions most +profitable for her soul. So, then, when she knew that the +blessed man was come, without saying a word to me, she obtained +leave from the Provincial for me to stay eight days in her house, +in order that I might the more easily confer with him. In that +house, and in one church or another, I had many conversations +with him the first time he came here; for, afterwards, I had many +communications with him at diverse times. + +4. I gave him an account, as briefly as I could, of my life, and +of my way of prayer, with the utmost clearness in my power. +I have always held to this, to be perfectly frank and exact with +those to whom I make known the state of my soul. [4] Even my +first impulses I wish them to know; and as for doubtful and +suspicious matters, I used to make the most of them by arguing +against myself. Thus, then, without equivocation or concealment, +I laid before him the state of my soul. I saw almost at once +that he understood me, by reason of his own experience. That was +all I required; for at that time I did not know myself as I do +now,so as to give an account of my state. It was at a later time +that God enabled me to understand myself, and describe the graces +which His Majesty bestows upon me. It was necessary, then, that +he who would clearly understand and explain my state should have +had experience of it himself. + +5. The light he threw on the matter was of the clearest; for as +to these visions, at least, which were not imaginary, I could not +understand how they could be. And it seemed that I could not +understand, too, how those could be which I saw with the eyes of +the soul; for, as I said before, [5] those visions only seemed to +me to be of consequence which were seen with the bodily eyes: and +of these I had none. The holy man enlightened me on the whole +question, explained it to me, and bade me not to be distressed, +but to praise God, and to abide in the full conviction that this +was the work of the Spirit of God; for, saving the faith, nothing +could be more true, and there was nothing on which I could more +firmly rely. He was greatly comforted in me, was most kind and +serviceable, and ever afterwards took great care of me, and told +me of his own affairs and labours; and when he saw that I had +those very desires which in himself were fulfilled already,--for +our Lord had given me very strong desires,--and also how great my +resolution was, he delighted in conversing with me. + +6. To a person whom our Lord has raised to this state, there is +no pleasure or comfort equal to that of meeting with another whom +our Lord has begun to raise in the same way. At that time, +however, it must have been only a beginning with me, as I +believe; and God grant I may not have gone back now. He was +extremely sorry for me. He told me that one of the greatest +trials in this world was that which I had borne,--namely, the +contradiction of good people, [6]--and that more was in reserve +for me: I had need, therefore, of some one--and there was no one +in this city--who understood me; but he would speak to my +confessor, and to that married nobleman, already spoken of, [7] +who was one of those who tormented me most, and who, because of +his great affection for me, was the cause of all these attacks. +He was a holy but timid man, and could not feel safe about me, +because he had seen how wicked I was, and that not long before. +The holy man did so; he spoke to them both, explained the matter, +and gave them reasons why they should reassure themselves, and +disturb me no more. My confessor was easily satisfied,--not so +the nobleman; for though they were not enough to keep him quiet, +yet they kept him in some measure from frightening me so much as +he used to do. + +7. We made an agreement that I should write to him and tell him +how it fared with me, for the future, and that we should pray +much for each other. Such was his humility, that he held to the +prayers of a wretch like me. It made me very much ashamed of +myself. He left me in the greatest consolation and joy, bidding +me continue my prayer with confidence, and without any doubt that +it was the work of God. If I should have any doubts, for my +greater security, I was to make them known to my confessor, and, +having done so, be in peace. Nevertheless, I was not able at all +to feel that confidence, for our Lord was leading me by the way +of fear; and so, when they told me that the devil had power over +me, I believed them. Thus, then, not one of them was able to +inspire me with confidence on the one hand, or fear on the other, +in such a way as to make me believe either of them, otherwise +than as our Lord allowed me. Accordingly, though the holy friar +consoled and calmed me, I did not rely so much on him as to be +altogether without fear, particularly when our Lord forsook me in +the afflictions of my soul, of which I will now speak. +Nevertheless, as I have said, I was very much consoled. + +8. I could not give thanks enough to God, and to my glorious +father St. Joseph, who seemed to me to have brought him here. +He was the commissary-general of the custody [8] of St. Joseph, +to whom, and to our Lady, I used to pray much. + +9. I suffered at times--and even still, though not so often--the +most grievous trials, together with bodily pains and afflictions +arising from violent sicknesses; so much so, that I could +scarcely control myself. At other times, my bodily sickness was +more grievous; and as I had no spiritual pain, I bore it with +great joy: but, when both pains came upon me together, my +distress was so heavy, that I was reduced to sore straits. + +10. I forgot all the mercies our Lord had shown me, and +remembered them only as a dream, to my great distress; for my +understanding was so dull, that I had a thousand doubts and +suspicions whether I had ever understood matters aright, thinking +that perhaps all was fancy, and that it was enough for me to have +deceived myself, without also deceiving good men. I looked upon +myself as so wicked as to have been the cause, by my sins, of all +the evils and all the heresies that had sprung up. This is but a +false humility, and Satan invented it for the purpose of +disquieting me, and trying whether he could thereby drive my soul +to despair. I have now had so much experience, that I know this +was his work; so he, seeing that I understand him, does not +torment me in the same way as much as he used to do. That it is +his work is clear from the restlessness and discomfort with which +it begins, and the trouble it causes in the soul while it lasts; +from the obscurity and distress, the aridity and indisposition +for prayer and for every good work, which it produces. It seems +to stifle the soul and trammel the body, so as to make them good +for nothing. + +11. Now, though the soul acknowledges itself to be miserable, and +though it is painful to us to see ourselves as we are, and though +we have most deep convictions of our own wickedness,--deep as +those spoken of just now, [9] and really felt,--yet true humility +is not attended with trouble; it does not disturb the soul; it +causes neither obscurity nor aridity: on the contrary, it +consoles. It is altogether different, bringing with it calm, +sweetness, and light. It is no doubt painful; but, on the other +hand, it is consoling, because we see how great is the mercy of +our Lord in allowing the soul to have that pain, and how well the +soul is occupied. On the one hand, the soul grieves over its +offences against God; on the other, His compassion makes it glad. +It has light, which makes it ashamed of itself; and it gives +thanks to His Majesty, who has borne with it so long. That other +humility, which is the work of Satan, furnishes no light for any +good work; it pictures God as bringing upon everything fire and +sword; it dwells upon His justice; and the soul's faith in the +mercy of God--for the power of the devil does not reach so far as +to destroy faith--is of such a nature as to give me no +consolation: on the contrary, the consideration of mercies so +great helps to increase the pain, because I look upon myself as +bound to render greater service. + +12. This invention of Satan is one of the most painful, subtle, +and crafty that I have known him to possess; I should therefore +like to warn you, my father, of it, in order that, if Satan +should tempt you herein, you may have some light, and be aware of +his devices, if your understanding should be left at liberty: +because you must not suppose that learning and knowledge are of +any use here; for though I have none of them myself, yet now that +I have escaped out of his hands I see clearly that this is folly. +What I understood by it is this: that it is our Lord's pleasure +to give him leave and license, as He gave him of old to tempt +Job; [10] though in my case, because of my wretchedness, the +temptation is not so sharp. + +13. It happened to me to be tempted once in this way; and I +remember it was on the day before the vigil of Corpus Christi,--a +feast to which I have great devotion, though not so great as I +ought to have. The trial then lasted only till the day of the +feast itself. But, on other occasions, it continued one, two, +and even three weeks and--I know not--perhaps longer. But I was +specially liable to it during the Holy Weeks, when it was my +habit to make prayer my joy. Then the devil seizes on my +understanding in a moment; and occasionally, by means of things +so trivial that I should laugh at them at any other time, he +makes it stumble over anything he likes. The soul, laid in +fetters, loses all control over itself, and all power of thinking +of anything but the absurdities he puts before it, which, being +more or less unsubstantial, inconsistent, and disconnected, serve +only to stifle the soul, so that it has no power over itself; and +accordingly--so it seems to me--the devils make a football of it, +and the soul is unable to escape out of their hands. It is +impossible to describe the sufferings of the soul in this state. +It goes about in quest of relief, and God suffers it to find +none. The light of reason, in the freedom of its will, remains, +but it is not clear; it seems to me as if its eyes were covered +with a veil. As a person who, having travelled often by a +particular road, knows, though it be night and dark, by his past +experience of it, where he may stumble, and where he ought to be +on his guard against that risk, because he has seen the place by +day, so the soul avoids offending God: it seems to go on by +habit--that is, if we put out of sight the fact that our Lord +holds it by the hand, which is the true explanation of +the matter. + +14. Faith is then as dead, and asleep, like all the other +virtues; not lost, however,--for the soul truly believes all that +the church holds; but its profession of the faith is hardly more +than an outward profession of the mouth. And, on the other hand, +temptations seem to press it down, and make it dull, so that its +knowledge of God becomes to it as that of something which it +hears of far away. So tepid is its love that, when it hears God +spoken of, it listens and believes that He is what He is, because +the Church so teaches; but it recollects nothing of its own +former experience. Vocal prayer or solitude is only a greater +affliction, because the interior suffering--whence it comes, it +knows not--is unendurable, and, as it seems to me, in some +measure a counterpart of hell. So it is, as our Lord showed me +in a vision; [11] for the soul itself is then burning in the +fire, knowing not who has kindled it, nor whence it comes, nor +how to escape it, nor how to put it out: if it seeks relief from +the fire by spiritual reading, it cannot find any, just as if it +could not read at all. On one occasion, it occurred to me to +read a life of a Saint, that I might forget myself, and be +refreshed with the recital of what he had suffered. Four or five +times, I read as many lines; and, though they were written in +Spanish, I understood them less at the end than I did when I +began: so I gave it up. It so happened to me on more occasions +than one, but I have a more distinct recollection of this. + +15. To converse with any one is worse, for the devil then sends +so offensive a spirit of bad temper, that I think I could eat +people up; nor can I help myself. I feel that I do something +when I keep myself under control; or rather our Lord does so, +when He holds back with His hand any one in this state from +saying or doing something that may be hurtful to his neighbours +and offensive to God. Then, as to going to our confessor, that +is of no use; for the certain result is--and very often has it +happened to me--what I shall now describe. Though my confessors, +with whom I had to do then, and have to do still, are so holy, +they spoke to me and reproved me with such harshness, that they +were astonished at it afterwards when I told them of it. +They said that they could not help themselves; for, though they +had resolved not to use such language, and though they pitied me +also very much,--yea, even had scruples on the subject, because +of my grievous trials of soul and body,--and were, moreover, +determined to console me, they could not refrain. They did not +use unbecoming words--I mean, words offensive to God; yet their +words were the most offensive that could be borne with in +confession. They must have aimed at mortifying me. At other +times, I used to delight in this, and was prepared to bear it; +but it was then a torment altogether. I used to think, too, that +I deceived them; so I went to them, and cautioned them very +earnestly to be on their guard against me, for it might be that I +deceived them. I saw well enough that I would not do so +advisedly, nor tell them an untruth; [12] but everything made me +afraid. One of them, on one occasion, when he had heard me speak +of this temptation, told me not to distress myself; for, even if +I wished to deceive him, he had sense enough not to be deceived. +This gave me great comfort. + +16. Sometimes, almost always,--at least, very frequently,--I used +to find rest after Communion; now and then, even, as I drew near +to the most Holy Sacrament, all at once my soul and body would be +so well, that I was amazed. [13] It seemed to be nothing else but +an instantaneous dispersion of the darkness that covered my soul: +when the sun rose, I saw how silly I had been. + +17. On other occasions, if our Lord spoke to me but one word, +saying only, "Be not distressed, have no fear,"--as I said +before, [14]--I was made whole at once; or, if I saw a vision, I +was as if I had never been amiss. I rejoiced in God, and made my +complaint to Him, because He permitted me to undergo such +afflictions; yet the recompense was great; for almost always, +afterwards, His mercies descended upon me in great abundance. +The soul seemed to come forth as gold out of the crucible, most +refined, and made glorious to behold, our Lord dwelling within +it. These trials afterwards are light, though they once seemed +to be unendurable; and the soul longs to undergo them again, if +that be more pleasing to our Lord. And though trials and +persecutions increase, yet, if we bear them without offending our +Lord, rejoicing in suffering for His sake, it will be all the +greater gain: I, however, do not bear them as they ought to be +borne, but rather in a most imperfect way. At other times, my +trials came upon me--they come still--in another form; and then +it seems to me as if the very possibility of thinking a good +thought, or desiring the accomplishment of it, were utterly taken +from me: both soul and body are altogether useless and a heavy +burden. However, when I am in this state, I do not suffer from +the other temptations and disquietudes, but only from a certain +loathing of I know not what, and my soul finds pleasure +in nothing. + +18. I used to try exterior good works, in order to occupy myself +partly by violence; and I know well how weak a soul is when grace +is hiding itself. It did not distress me much, because the sight +of my own meanness gave me some satisfaction. On other occasions, +I find myself unable to pray or to fix my thoughts with any +distinctness upon God, or anything that is good, though I may be +alone; but I have a sense that I know Him. It is the +understanding and the imagination, I believe, which hurt me here; +for it seems to me that I have a good will, disposed for all +good; but the understanding is so lost, that it seems to be +nothing else but a raving lunatic, which nobody can restrain, and +of which I am not mistress enough to keep it quiet for +a minute. [15] + +19. Sometimes I laugh at myself, and recognise my wretchedness: I +watch my understanding, and leave it alone to see what it will +do. Glory be to God, for a wonder, it never runs on what is +wrong, but only on indifferent things, considering what is going +on here, or there, or elsewhere. I see then, more and more, the +exceeding great mercy of our Lord to me, when He keeps this +lunatic bound in the chains of perfect contemplation. I wonder +what would happen if those people who think I am good knew of my +extravagance. I am very sorry when I see my soul in such bad +company; I long to see it delivered therefrom, and so I say to +our Lord: When, O my God, shall I see my whole soul praising +Thee, that it may have the fruition of Thee in all its faculties? +Let me be no longer, O Lord, thus torn to pieces, and every one +of them, as it were, running in a different direction. This has +been often the case with me, but I think that my scanty bodily +health was now and then enough to bring it about. + +20. I dwell much on the harm which original sin has done us; that +is, I believe, what has rendered us incapable of the fruition of +so great a good. My sins, too, must be in fault; for, if I had +not committed so many, I should have been more perfect in +goodness. Another great affliction which I suffered was this: +all the books which I read on the subject of prayer, I thought I +understood thoroughly, and that I required them no longer, +because our Lord had given me the gift of prayer. I therefore +ceased to read those books, and applied myself to lives of +Saints, thinking that this would improve me and give me courage; +for I found myself very defective in every kind of service which +the Saints rendered unto God. Then it struck me that I had very +little humility, when I could think that I had attained to this +degree of prayer; and so, when I could not come to any other +conclusion, I was greatly distressed, until certain learned +persons, and the blessed friar, Peter of Alcantara, told me not +to trouble myself about the matter. + +21. I see clearly enough that I have not yet begun to serve God, +though He showers down upon me those very graces which He gives +to many good people. I am a mass of imperfection, except in +desire and in love; for herein I see well that our Lord has been +gracious to me, in order that I may please Him in some measure. +I really think that I love Him; but my conduct, and the many +imperfections I discern in myself, make me sad. + +22. My soul, also, is subject occasionally to a certain +foolishness,--that is the right name to give it,--when I seem to +be doing neither good nor evil, but following in the wake of +others, as they say, without pain or pleasure, indifferent to +life and death, pleasure and pain. I seem to have no feeling. +The soul seems to me like a little ass, which feeds and thrives, +because it accepts the food which is given it, and eats it +without reflection. The soul in this state must be feeding on +some great mercies of God, seeing that its miserable life is no +burden to it, and that it bears it patiently but it is conscious +of no sensible movements or results, whereby it may ascertain the +state it is in. + +23. It seems to me now like sailing with a very gentle wind, when +one makes much way without knowing how; for in the other states, +so great are the effects, that the soul sees almost at once an +improvement in itself, because the desires instantly are on fire, +and the soul is never satisfied. This comes from those great +impetuosities of love, spoken of before, [16] in those to whom +God grants them. It is like those little wells I have seen +flowing, wherein the upheaving of the sand never ceases. +This illustration and comparison seem to me to be a true +description of those souls who attain to this state; their love +is ever active, thinking what it may do; it cannot contain +itself, as the water remains not in the earth, but is continually +welling upwards. So is the soul, in general; it is not at rest, +nor can it contain itself, because of the love it has: it is so +saturated therewith, that it would have others drink of it, +because there is more than enough for itself, in order that they +might help it to praise God. + +24. I call to remembrance--oh, how often!--that living water of +which our Lord spoke to the Samaritan woman. That Gospel [17] +has a great attraction for me; and, indeed, so it had even when I +was a little child, though I did not understand it then as I do +now. I used to pray much to our Lord for that living water; and I +had always a picture of it, representing our Lord at the well, +with this inscription, "Domine, da mihi aquam." [18] + +25. This love is also like a great fire, which requires fuel +continually, in order that it may not burn out. So those souls I +am speaking of, however much it may cost them, will always bring +fuel, in order that the fire may not be quenched. As for me, I +should be glad, considering what I am, if I had but straw even to +throw upon it. And so it is with me occasionally--and, indeed, +very often. At one time, I laugh at myself; and at another, I am +very much distressed. The inward stirring of my love urges me to +do something for the service of God; and I am not able to do more +than adorn images with boughs and flowers, clean or arrange an +oratory, or some such trifling acts, so that I am ashamed of +myself. If I undertook any penitential practice, the whole was +so slight, and was done in such a way, that if our Lord did not +accept my good will, I saw it was all worthless, and so I laughed +at myself. The failure of bodily strength, sufficient to do +something for God, is no light affliction for those souls to whom +He, in His goodness, has communicated this fire of His love in +its fulness. It is a very good penance; for when souls are not +strong enough to heap fuel on this fire, and die of fear that the +fire may go out, it seems to me that they become fuel themselves, +are reduced to ashes, or dissolved in tears, and burn away: and +this is suffering enough, though it be sweet. + +26. Let him, then, praise our Lord exceedingly, who has attained +to this state; who has received the bodily strength requisite for +penance; who has learning, ability, and power to preach, to hear +confessions, and to draw souls unto God. Such a one neither +knows nor comprehends the blessing he possesses, unless he knows +by experience what it is to be powerless to serve God in +anything, and at the same time to be receiving much from Him. +May He be blessed for ever, and may the angels glorify +Him! Amen. + +27. I know not if I do well to write so much in detail. But as +you, my father, bade me again not to be troubled by the +minuteness of my account, nor to omit anything, I go on +recounting clearly and truly all I can call to mind. But I must +omit much; for if I did not, I should have to spend more +time--and, as I said before, [19] I have so little to spend, and +perhaps, after all, nothing will be gained. + + +1. Ch. xxvii. §§ 17, 18, 19. + +2. Hoja de lata, "cierta hoja de hierro muy delgada" +(Cobarruvias, Tesoro, in voce). + +3. Ch. xxiv. § 5. Doña Guiomar de Ulloa. + +4. Ch. xxvi. § 5. + +5. Ch. vii. § 12. + +6. See ch. xxviii. § 24. + +7. Ch. xxiii. § 7. + +8. A "custody" is a division of the province, in the Order of +St. Francis, comprising a certain number of convents. + +9. § 10. + +10. Job i. + +11. See ch. xxxii. § 1, &c. + +12. See ch. xxviii. § 6. + +13. See Way of Perfection, ch. lxi. § 2; but ch. xxxiv. § 8 of +the earlier editions. + +14. Ch. xx. § 21, ch. xxv. § 22, ch. xxvi. § 3. + +15. "Un Credo." + +16. Ch. xxix. § 11. + +17. St. John iv. 5-42: the Gospel of Friday after the Third +Sunday in Lent, where the words are, "hanc aquam." + +18. "Lord, give me this water" (St. John iv. 15). See ch. i. § +6; and Way of Perfection, ch. xxix. § 5; ch. xix. § 5 of the +earlier editions. + +19. Ch. xiv. § 12. + + + +Chapter XXXI. + + +Of Certain Outward Temptations and Appearances of Satan. Of the +Sufferings Thereby Occasioned. Counsels for Those Who Go on + +Unto Perfection. + +1. Now that I have described certain temptations and troubles, +interior and secret, of which Satan was the cause, I will speak +of others which he wrought almost in public, and in which his +presence could not be ignored. [1] + +2. I was once in an oratory, when Satan, in an abominable shape, +appeared on my left hand. I looked at his mouth in particular, +because he spoke, and it was horrible. A huge flame seemed to +issue out of his body, perfectly bright, without any shadow. +He spoke in a fearful way, and said to me that, though I had +escaped out of his hands, he would yet lay hold of me again. +I was in great terror, made the sign of the cross as well as I +could, and then the form vanished--but it reappeared instantly. +This occurred twice; I did not know what to do; there was some +holy water at hand; I took some, and threw it in the direction of +the figure, and then Satan never returned. + +3. On another occasion, I was tortured for five hours with such +terrible pains, such inward and outward sufferings, that it +seemed to me as if I could not bear them. Those who were with me +were frightened; they knew not what to do, and I could not help +myself. I am in the habit, when these pains and my bodily +suffering are most unendurable, to make interior acts as well as +I can, imploring our Lord, if it be His will, to give me +patience, and then to let me suffer on, even to the end of the +world. So, when I found myself suffering so cruelly, I relieved +myself by making those acts and resolutions, in order that I +might be able to endure the pain. It pleased our Lord to let me +understand that it was the work of Satan; for I saw close beside +me a most frightful little negro, gnashing his teeth in despair +at losing what he attempted to seize. When I saw him, I laughed, +and had no fear; for there were some then present who were +helpless, and knew of no means whereby so great a pain could be +relieved. My body, head, and arms were violently shaken; I could +not help myself: but the worst of all was the interior pain, for +I could find no ease in any way. Nor did I dare to ask for holy +water, lest those who were with me should be afraid, and find out +what the matter really was. + +4. I know by frequent experience that there is nothing which puts +the devils to flight like holy water. They run away before the +sign of the cross also, but they return immediately: great, then, +must be the power of holy water. As for me, my soul is conscious +of a special and most distinct consolation whenever I take it. +Indeed, I feel almost always a certain refreshing, which I cannot +describe, together with an inward joy, which comforts my whole +soul. This is no fancy, nor a thing which has occurred once +only; for it has happened very often, and I have watched it very +carefully. I may compare what I feel with that which happens to +a person in great heat, and very thirsty, drinking a cup of cold +water--his whole being is refreshed. I consider that everything +ordained by the Church is very important; and I have a joy in +reflecting that the words of the Church are so mighty, that they +endow water with power, so that there shall be so great a +difference between holy water and water that has never been +blessed. Then, as my pains did not cease, I told them, if they +would not laugh, I would ask for some holy water. They brought +me some, and sprinkled me with it; but I was no better. I then +threw some myself in the direction of the negro, when he fled in +a moment. All my sufferings ceased, just as if some one had +taken them from me with his hand; only I was wearied, as if I had +been beaten with many blows. It was of great service to me to +learn that if, by our Lord's permission, Satan can do so much +evil to a soul and body not in his power, he can do much more +when he has them in his possession. It gave me a renewed desire +to be delivered from a fellowship so dangerous. + +5. Another time, and not long ago, the same thing happened to me, +though it did not last so long, and I was alone at the moment. +I asked for holy water; and they who came in after the devil had +gone away,--they were two nuns, worthy of all credit, and would +not tell a lie for anything,--perceived a most offensive smell, +like that of brimstone. I smelt nothing myself; but the odour +lasted long enough to become sensible to them. + +6. On another occasion, I was in choir, when, in a moment, I +became profoundly recollected. I went out in order that the +sisters might know nothing of it; yet those who were near heard +the sound of heavy blows where I was, and I heard voices myself, +as of persons in consultation, but I did not hear what they said: +I was so absorbed in prayer that I understood nothing, neither +was I at all afraid. This took place almost always when our Lord +was pleased that some soul or other, persuaded by me, advanced in +the spiritual life. Certainly, what I am now about to describe +happened to me once; there are witnesses to testify to it, +particularly my present confessor, for he saw the account in a +letter. I did not tell him from whom the letter came, but he +knew perfectly who the person was. + +7. There came to me a person who, for two years and a half, had +been living in mortal sin of the most abominable nature I ever +heard. During the whole of that time, he neither confessed it +nor ceased from it; and yet he said Mass. He confessed his other +sins but of this one he used to say, How can I confess so foul a +sin? He wished to give it up, but he could not prevail on +himself to do so. I was very sorry for him, and it was a great +grief to me to see God offended in such a way. I promised him +that I would pray to God for his amendment, and get others who +were better than I to do the same. I wrote to one person, and +the priest undertook to get the letter delivered. It came to +pass that he made a full confession at the first opportunity; for +our Lord God was pleased, on account of the prayers of those most +holy persons to whom I had recommended him, to have pity on this +soul. I, too, wretched as I am, did all I could for the +same end. + +8. He wrote to me, and said that he was so far improved, that he +had not for some days repeated his sin; but he was so tormented +by the temptation, that it seemed to him as if he were in hell +already, so great were his sufferings. He asked me to pray to +God for him. I recommended him to my sisters, through whose +prayers I must have obtained this mercy from our Lord; for they +took the matter greatly to heart; and he was a person whom no one +could find out. I implored His Majesty to put an end to these +torments and temptations, and to let the evil spirits torment me +instead, provided I did not offend our Lord. Thus it was that +for one month I was most grievously tormented; and then it was +that these two assaults of Satan, of which I have just spoken, +took place. + +9. Our Lord was pleased to deliver him out of this temptation, so +I was informed; for I told him what happened to myself that +month. His soul gained strength, and he continued free; he could +never give thanks enough to our Lord and to me as if I had been +of any service--unless it be that the belief he had that our Lord +granted me such graces was of some advantage to him. He said +that, when he saw himself in great straits, he would read my +letters, and then the temptation left him. He was very much +astonished at my sufferings, and at the manner of his own +deliverance: even I myself am astonished, and I would suffer as +much for many years for the deliverance of that soul. May our +Lord be praised for ever! for the prayers of those who serve Him +can do great things; and I believe the sisters of this house do +serve Him. The devils must have been more angry with me only +because I asked them to pray, and because our Lord permitted it +on account of my sins. At that time, too, I thought the evil +spirits would have suffocated me one night, and when the sisters +threw much holy water about I saw a great troop of them rush away +as if tumbling over a precipice. These cursed spirits have +tormented me so often, and I am now so little afraid of +them,--because I see they cannot stir without our Lord's +permission,--that I should weary both you, my father, and +myself, if I were to speak of these things in detail. + +10. May this I have written be of use to the true servant of God, +who ought to despise these terrors, which Satan sends only to +make him afraid! Let him understand that each time we despise +those terrors, their force is lessened, and the soul gains power +over them. There is always some great good obtained; but I will +not speak of it, that I may not be too diffuse. I will speak, +however, of what happened to me once on the night of All Souls. +I was in an oratory, and, having said one Nocturn, was saying +some very devotional prayers at the end of our Breviary, when +Satan put himself on the book before me, to prevent my finishing +my prayer. I made the sign of the cross, and he went away. +I then returned to my prayer, and he, too, came back; he did so, +I believe, three times, and I was not able to finish the prayer +without throwing holy water at him. I saw certain souls at that +moment come forth out of purgatory--they must have been near +their deliverance, and I thought that Satan might in this way +have been trying to hinder their release. It is very rarely that +I saw Satan assume a bodily form; I know of his presence through +the vision I have spoken of before, [2] the vision wherein no +form is seen. + +11. I wish also to relate what follows, for I was greatly alarmed +at it: on Trinity Sunday, in the choir of a certain monastery, +and in a trance, I saw a great fight between evil spirits and the +angels. I could not make out what the vision meant. In less +than a fortnight, it was explained clearly enough by the dispute +that took place between persons given to prayer and many who were +not, which did great harm to that house; for it was a dispute +that lasted long and caused much trouble. On another occasion, I +saw a great multitude of evil spirits round about me, and, at the +same time, a great light, in which I was enveloped, which kept +them from coming near me. I understood it to mean that God was +watching over me, that they might not approach me so as to make +me offend Him. I knew the vision was real by what I saw +occasionally in myself. The fact is, I know now how little power +the evil spirits have, provided I am not out of the grace of God; +I have scarcely any fear of them at all, for their strength is as +nothing, if they do not find the souls they assail give up the +contest, and become cowards; it is in this case that they show +their power. + +12. Now and then, during the temptations I am speaking of, it +seemed to me as if all my vanity and weakness in times past had +become alive again within me; so I had reason enough to commit +myself into the hands of God. Then I was tormented by the +thought that, as these things came back to my memory, I must be +utterly in the power of Satan, until my confessor consoled me; +for I imagined that even the first movement towards an evil +thought ought not to have come near one who had received from our +Lord such great graces as I had. + +13. At other times, I was much tormented--and even now I am +tormented--when I saw people make much of me, particularly great +people, and when they spake well of me. I have suffered, and +still suffer, much in this way. I think at once of the life of +Christ and of the Saints, and then my life seems the reverse of +theirs, for they received nothing but contempt and ill-treatment. +All this makes me afraid; I dare not lift up my head, and I wish +nobody saw me at all. It is not thus with me when I am +persecuted; then my soul is so conscious of strength, though the +body suffers, and though I am in other ways afflicted, that I do +not know how this can be; but so it is,--and my soul seems then +to be a queen in its kingdom, having everything under its feet. + +14. I had such a thought now and then--and, indeed, for many days +together. I regarded it as a sign of virtue and of humility; but +I see clearly now it was nothing else but a temptation. +A Dominican friar, of great learning, showed it to me very +plainly. When I considered that the graces which our Lord had +bestowed upon me might come to the knowledge of the public, my +sufferings became so excessive as greatly to disturb my soul. +They went so far, that I made up my mind, while thinking of it, +that I would rather be buried alive than have these things known. +And so, when I began to be profoundly recollected, or to fall +into a trance, which I could not resist even in public, I was so +ashamed of myself, that I would not appear where people might +see me. + +15. Once, when I was much distressed at this, our Lord said to +me, What was I afraid of? one of two things must happen--people +would either speak ill of me, or give glory to Him. He made me +understand by this, that those who believed in the truth of what +was going on in me would glorify Him; and that those who did not +would condemn me without cause: in both ways I should be the +gainer, and I was therefore not to distress myself. [3] This +made me quite calm, and it comforts me whenever I think of it. + +16. This temptation became so excessive, that I wished to leave +the house, and take my dower to another monastery, where +enclosure was more strictly observed than in that wherein I was +at this time. I had heard great things of that other house, +which was of the same Order as mine; it was also at a great +distance, and it would have been a great consolation to me to +live where I was not known; but my confessor would never let me +go. These fears deprived me in a great measure of all liberty of +spirit; and I understood afterwards that this was not true +humility, because it disturbed me so much. And our Lord taught +me this truth; if I was convinced, and certainly persuaded, that +all that was good in me came wholly and only from God, and if it +did not distress me to hear the praises of others,--yea, rather, +if I was pleased and comforted when I saw that God was working in +them,--then neither should I be distressed if He showed forth His +works in me. + +17. I fell, too, into another extreme. I begged of God, and made +it a particular subject of prayer, that it might please His +Majesty, whenever any one saw any good in me, that such a one +might also become acquainted with my sins, in order that he might +see that His graces were bestowed on me without any merit on my +part: and I always greatly desire this. My confessor told me not +to do it. But almost to this day, if I saw that any one thought +well of me, I used in a roundabout way, or any how, as I could, +to contrive he should know of my sins: [4] that seemed to relieve +me. But they have made me very scrupulous on this point. +This, it appears to me, was not an effect of humility, but +oftentimes the result of temptation. It seemed to me that I was +deceiving everybody--though, in truth, they deceived themselves, +by thinking that there was any good in me. [5] I did not wish to +deceive them, nor did I ever attempt it, only our Lord permitted +it for some end; and so, even with my confessors, I never +discussed any of these matters if I did not see the necessity of +it, for that would have occasioned very considerable scruples. + +18. All these little fears and distresses, and semblance of +humility, I now see clearly were mere imperfections, and the +result of my unmortified life; for a soul left in the hands of +God cares nothing about evil or good report, if it clearly +comprehends, when our Lord is pleased to bestow upon it His +grace, that it has nothing of its own. Let it trust the Giver; +it will know hereafter why He reveals His gifts, and prepare +itself for persecution, which in these times is sure to come, +when it is our Lord's will it should be known of any one that He +bestows upon him graces such as these; for a thousand eyes are +watching that soul, while a thousand souls of another order are +observed of none. In truth, there was no little ground for fear, +and that fear should have been mine: I was therefore not humble, +but a coward; for a soul which God permits to be thus seen of men +may well prepare itself to be the world's martyr--because, if it +will not die to the world voluntarily, that very world will +kill it. + +19. Certainly, I see nothing in the world that seems to me good +except this, that it tolerates no faults in good people, and +helps them to perfection by dint of complaints against them. +I mean, that it requires greater courage in one not yet perfect +to walk in the way of perfection than to undergo an instant +martyrdom; for perfection is not attained to at once, unless our +Lord grant that grace by a special privilege: yet the world, when +it sees any one beginning to travel on that road, insists on his +becoming perfect at once, and a thousand leagues off detects in +him a fault, which after all may be a virtue. He who finds fault +is doing the very same thing,--but, in his own case, +viciously,--and he pronounces it to be so wrong in the other. +He who aims at perfection, then, must neither eat nor +sleep,--nor, as they say, even breathe; and the more men respect +such a one, the more do they forget that he is still in the body; +and, though they may consider him perfect, he is living on the +earth, subject to its miseries, however much he may tread them +under his feet. And so, as I have just said, great courage is +necessary here for, though the poor soul have not yet begun to +walk, the world will have it fly; and, though its passions be not +wholly overcome, men will have it that they must be under +restraint, even upon trying occasions, as those of the Saints +are, of whom they read, after they are confirmed in grace. + +20. All this is a reason for praising God, and also for great +sorrow of heart, because very many go backwards who, poor souls, +know not how to help themselves; and I too, I believe, would have +gone back also, if our Lord had not so mercifully on His part +done everything for me. And until He, of His goodness, had done +all, nothing was done by me, as you, my father, may have seen +already, beyond falling and rising again. I wish I knew how to +explain it, because many souls, I believe, delude themselves in +this matter; they would fly before God gives them wings. + +21. I believe I have made this comparison on another +occasion, [6] but it is to the purpose here, for I see certain +souls are very greatly afflicted on that ground. When these +souls begin, with great fervour, courage, and desire, to advance +in virtue,--some of them, at least outwardly, giving up all for +God,--when they see in others, more advanced than themselves, +greater fruits of virtue given them by our Lord,--for we cannot +acquire these of ourselves,--when they see in all the books +written on prayer and on contemplation an account of what we have +to do in order to attain thereto, but which they cannot +accomplish themselves,--they lose heart. For instance, they read +that we must not be troubled when men speak ill of us, that we +are to be then more pleased than when they speak well of us; that +we must despise our own good name, be detached from our kindred; +avoid their company, which should be wearisome to us, unless they +be given to prayer; with many other things of the same kind. +The disposition to practise this must be, in my opinion, the gift +of God; for it seems to me a supernatural good, contrary to our +natural inclinations. Let them not distress themselves; let them +trust in our Lord: what they now desire, His Majesty will enable +them to attain to by prayer, and by doing what they can +themselves; for it is very necessary for our weak nature that we +should have great confidence, that we should not be fainthearted, +nor suppose that, if we do our best, we shall fail to obtain the +victory at last. And as my experience here is large, I will say, +by way of caution to you, my father, do not think--though it may +seem so--that a virtue is acquired when we have not tested it by +its opposing vice: we must always be suspicious of ourselves, and +never negligent while we live; for much evil clings to us if, as +I said before, [7] grace be not given to us fully to understand +what everything is: and in this life there is nothing without +great risks. + +22. I thought a few years ago, not only that I was detached from +my kindred, but that they were a burden to me; and certainly it +was so, for I could not endure their conversation. An affair of +some importance had to be settled, and I had to remain with a +sister of mine, for whom I had always before had a great +affection. The conversation we had together, though she is +better than I am, did not please me; for it could not always be +on subjects I preferred, owing to the difference of our +conditions--she being married. I was therefore as much alone as +I could; yet I felt that her troubles gave me more trouble than +did those of my neighbours, and even some anxiety. In short, I +found out that I was not so detached as I thought, and that it +was necessary for me to flee from dangerous occasions, in order +that the virtue which our Lord had begun to implant in me might +grow; and so, by His help, I have striven to do from that time +till now. + +23. If our Lord bestows any virtue upon us, we must make much of +it, and by no means run the risk of losing it; so it is in those +things which concern our good name, and many other matters. +You, my father, must believe that we are not all of us detached, +though we think we are; it is necessary for us never to be +careless on this point. If any one detects in himself any +tenderness about his good name, and yet wishes to advance in the +spiritual life, let him believe me and throw this embarrassment +behind his back, for it is a chain which no file can sever; only +the help of God, obtained by prayer and much striving on his +part, can do it. It seems to me to be a hindrance on the road, +and I am astonished at the harm it does. I see some persons so +holy in their works, and they are so great as to fill people with +wonder. O my God, why is their soul still on the earth? Why has +it not arrived at the summit of perfection? What does it mean? +What keeps him back who does so much for God? Oh, there it +is!--self-respect! and the worst of it is, that these persons +will not admit that they have it, merely because Satan now and +then convinces them that they are under an obligation to +observe it. + +24. Well, then, let them believe me: for the love of our Lord, +let them give heed to the little ant, who speaks because it is +His pleasure. If they take not this caterpillar away, though it +does not hurt the whole tree, because some virtues remain, the +worm will eat into every one of them. Not only is the tree not +beautiful, but it also never thrives, neither does it suffer the +others near it to thrive; for the fruit of good example which it +bears is not sound, and endures but a short time. I say it again +and again, let our self-respect be ever so slight, it will have +the same result as the missing of a note on the organ when it is +played,--the whole music is out of tune. It is a thing which +hurts the soul exceedingly in every way, but it is a pestilence +in the way of prayer. + +25. Are we striving after union with God? and do we wish to +follow the counsels of Christ,--who was loaded with reproaches +and falsely accused,--and, at the same time, to keep our own +reputation and credit untouched? We cannot succeed, for these +things are inconsistent one with another. Our Lord comes to the +soul when we do violence to ourselves, and strive to give up our +rights in many things. Some will say, I have nothing that I can +give up, nor have I any opportunity of doing so. I believe that +our Lord will never suffer any one who has made so good a +resolution as this to miss so great a blessing. His Majesty will +make so many arrangements for him, whereby he may acquire this +virtue,--more frequently, perhaps, than he will like. Let him +put his hand to the work. I speak of the little nothings and +trifles which I gave up when I began--or, at least, of some of +them: the straws which I said [8] I threw into the fire; for I am +not able to do more. All this our Lord accepted: may He be +blessed for evermore! + +26. One of my faults was this: I had a very imperfect knowledge +of my Breviary and of my duties in choir, simply because I was +careless and given to vanities; and I knew the other novices +could have taught me. But I never asked them, that they might +not know how little I knew. It suggested itself to me at once, +that I ought to set a good example: this is very common. +Now, however, that God has opened my eyes a little, even when I +know a thing, but yet am very slightly in doubt about it, I ask +the children. I have lost neither honour nor credit by it--on +the contrary, I believe our Lord has been pleased to strengthen +my memory. My singing of the Office was bad, and I felt it much +if I had not learned the part intrusted to me,--not because I +made mistakes before our Lord, which would have been a virtue, +but because I made them before the many nuns who heard me. I was +so full of my own reputation, that I was disturbed, and therefore +did not sing what I had to sing even so well as I might have +done. Afterwards, I ventured, when I did not know it very well, +to say so. At first, I felt it very much; but afterwards I found +pleasure in doing it. So, when I began to be indifferent about +its being known that I could not sing well, it gave me no pain at +all, and I sang much better. This miserable self-esteem took +from me the power of doing that which I regarded as an honour, +for every one regards as honourable that which he likes. + +27. By trifles such as these, which are nothing,--and I am +altogether nothing myself, seeing that this gave me pain,--by +little and little, doing such actions, and by such slight +performances,--they become of worth because done for God,--His +Majesty helps us on towards greater things; and so it happened to +me in the matter of humility. When I saw that all the nuns +except myself were making great progress,--I was always myself +good for nothing,--I used to fold up their mantles when they left +the choir. I looked on myself as doing service to angels who had +been there praising God. I did so till they--I know not +how--found it out; and then I was not a little ashamed, because +my virtue was not strong enough to bear that they should know of +it. But the shame arose, not because I was humble, but because I +was afraid they would laugh at me, the matter being so trifling. + +28. O Lord, what a shame for me to lay bare so much wickedness, +and to number these grains of sand, which yet I did not raise up +from the ground in Thy service without mixing them with a +thousand meannesses! The waters of Thy grace were not as yet +flowing beneath them, so as to make them ascend upwards. O my +Creator, oh, that I had anything worth recounting amid so many +evil things, when I am recounting the great mercies I received at +Thy hands! So it is, O my Lord. I know not how my heart could +have borne it, nor how any one who shall read this can help +having me in abhorrence when he sees that mercies so great had +been so ill-requited, and that I have not been ashamed to speak +of these services. Ah! they are only mine, O my Lord; but I am +ashamed I have nothing else to say of myself; and that it is that +makes me speak of these wretched beginnings, in order that he who +has begun more nobly may have hope that our Lord, who has made +much of mine, will make more of his. May it please His Majesty +to give me this grace, that I may not remain for ever at the +beginning! Amen. [9] + + +1. 2 Cor. ii. 11: "Non enim ignoramus cogitationes ejus." + +2. Ch. xxvii. § 4. + +3. See Inner Fortress, vi. ch. iv. § 12. + +4. Way of Perfection, ch. lxv. § 2; but ch. xxxvi. of the +previous editions. + +5. See ch. x. § 10. + +6. Ch. xiii. § 3. + +7. Ch. xx. § 38. + +8. Ch. xxx. § 25. + +9. Don Vicente de la Fuente thinks the first "Life" ended here; +that which follows was written under obedience to her confessor, +F. Garcia of Toledo, and after the foundation of the monastery of +St. Joseph, Avila. + + + +Chapter XXXII. + + +Our Lord Shows St. Teresa the Place Which She Had by Her Sins +Deserved in Hell. The Torments There. How the Monastery +of St. Joseph Was Founded. + + +1. Some considerable time after our Lord had bestowed upon me the +graces I have been describing, and others also of a higher +nature, I was one day in prayer when I found myself in a moment, +without knowing how, plunged apparently into hell. I understood +that it was our Lord's will I should see the place which the +devils kept in readiness for me, and which I had deserved by my +sins. It was but a moment, but it seems to me impossible I +should ever forget it even if I were to live many years. + +2. The entrance seemed to be by a long narrow pass, like a +furnace, very low, dark, and close. The ground seemed to be +saturated with water, mere mud, exceedingly foul, sending forth +pestilential odours, and covered with loathsome vermin. At the +end was a hollow place in the wall, like a closet, and in that I +saw myself confined. All this was even pleasant to behold in +comparison with what I felt there. There is no exaggeration in +what I am saying. + +3. But as to what I then felt, I do not know where to begin, if I +were to describe it; it is utterly inexplicable. I felt a fire +in my soul. I cannot see how it is possible to describe it. +My bodily sufferings were unendurable. I have undergone most +painful sufferings in this life, and, as the physicians say, the +greatest that can be borne, such as the contraction of my sinews +when I was paralysed, [1] without speaking of others of different +kinds, yea, even those of which I have also spoken, [2] inflicted +on me by Satan; yet all these were as nothing in comparison with +what I felt then, especially when I saw that there would be no +intermission, nor any end to them. + +4. These sufferings were nothing in comparison with the anguish +of my soul, a sense of oppression, of stifling, and of pain so +keen, accompanied by so hopeless and cruel an infliction, that I +know not how to speak of it. If I said that the soul is +continually being torn from the body, it would be nothing, for +that implies the destruction of life by the hands of another but +here it is the soul itself that is tearing itself in pieces. +I cannot describe that inward fire or that despair, surpassing +all torments and all pain. I did not see who it was that +tormented me, but I felt myself on fire, and torn to pieces, as +it seemed to me; and, I repeat it, this inward fire and despair +are the greatest torments of all. + +5. Left in that pestilential place, and utterly without the power +to hope for comfort, I could neither sit nor lie down: there was +no room. I was placed as it were in a hole in the wall; and +those walls, terrible to look on of themselves, hemmed me in on +every side. I could not breathe. There was no light, but all +was thick darkness. I do not understand how it is; though there +was no light, yet everything that can give pain by being seen +was visible. + +6. Our Lord at that time would not let me see more of hell. +Afterwards, I had another most fearful vision, in which I saw the +punishment of certain sins. They were most horrible to look at; +but, because I felt none of the pain, my terror was not so great. +In the former vision, our Lord made me really feel those +torments, and that anguish of spirit, just as if I had been +suffering them in the body there. I know not how it was, but I +understood distinctly that it was a great mercy that our Lord +would have me see with mine own eyes the very place from which +His compassion saved me. I have listened to people speaking of +these things, and I have at other times dwelt on the various +torments of hell, though not often, because my soul made no +progress by the way of fear; and I have read of the diverse +tortures, and how the devils tear the flesh with red-hot pincers. +But all is as nothing before this; it is a wholly different +matter. In short, the one is a reality, the other a picture; and +all burning here in this life is as nothing in comparison with +the fire that is there. + +7. I was so terrified by that vision,--and that terror is on me +even now while I am writing,--that, though it took place nearly +six years ago, [3] the natural warmth of my body is chilled by +fear even now when I think of it. And so, amid all the pain and +suffering which I may have had to bear, I remember no time in +which I do not think that all we have to suffer in this world is +as nothing. It seems to me that we complain without reason. +I repeat it, this vision was one of the grandest mercies of our +Lord. It has been to me of the greatest service, because it has +destroyed my fear of trouble and of the contradiction of the +world, and because it has made me strong enough to bear up +against them, and to give thanks to our Lord, who has been my +Deliverer, as it now seems to me, from such fearful and +everlasting pains. + +8. Ever since that time, as I was saying, everything seems +endurable in comparison with one instant of suffering such as +those I had then to bear in hell. I am filled with fear when I +see that, after frequently reading books which describe in some +manner the pains of hell, I was not afraid of them, nor made any +account of them. Where was I? How could I possibly take any +pleasure in those things which led me directly to so dreadful a +place? Blessed for ever be Thou, O my God! and, oh, how manifest +is it that Thou didst love me much more than I did love Thee! +How often, O Lord, didst Thou save me from that fearful prison! +and how I used to get back to it contrary to Thy will. + +9. It was that vision that filled me with the very great distress +which I feel at the sight of so many lost souls,--especially of +the Lutherans,--for they were once members of the Church by +baptism,--and also gave me the most vehement desires for the +salvation of souls; for certainly I believe that, to save even +one from those overwhelming torments, I would most willingly +endure many deaths. If here on earth we see one whom we +specially love in great trouble or pain, our very nature seems to +bid us compassionate him; and if those pains be great, we are +troubled ourselves. What, then, must it be to see a soul in +danger of pain, the most grievous of all pains, for ever? +Who can endure it? It is a thought no heart can bear without +great anguish. Here we know that pain ends with life at last, +and that there are limits to it; yet the sight of it moves our +compassion so greatly. That other pain has no ending; and I know +not how we can be calm, when we see Satan carry so many souls +daily away. + +10. This also makes me wish that, in a matter which concerns us +so much, we did not rest satisfied with doing less than we can do +on our part,--that we left nothing undone. May our Lord +vouchsafe to give us His grace for that end! When I consider +that, notwithstanding my very great wickedness, I took some pains +to please God, and abstained from certain things which I know the +world makes light of,--that, in short, I suffered grievous +infirmities, and with great patience, which our Lord gave me; +that I was not inclined to murmur or to speak ill of anybody; +that I could not--I believe so--wish harm to any one; that I was +not, to the best of my recollection, either avaricious or +envious, so as to be grievously offensive in the sight of God; +and that I was free from many other faults,--for, though so +wicked, I had lived constantly in the fear of God,--I had to look +at the very place which the devils kept ready for me. It is true +that, considering my faults, I had deserved a still heavier +chastisement; but for all that, I repeat it, the torment was +fearful, and we run a great risk whenever we please ourselves. +No soul should take either rest or pleasure that is liable to +fall every moment into mortal sin. Let us, then, for the love of +God, avoid all occasions of sin, and our Lord will help us, as He +has helped me. May it please His Majesty never to let me out of +His hands, lest I should turn back and fall, now that I have seen +the place where I must dwell if I do. I entreat our Lord, for +His Majesty's sake, never to permit it. Amen. + +11. When I had seen this vision, and had learned other great and +hidden things which our Lord, of His goodness, was pleased to +show me,--namely, the joy of the blessed and the torment of the +wicked,--I longed for the way and the means of doing penance for +the great evil I had done, and of meriting in some degree, so +that I might gain so great a good; and therefore I wished to +avoid all society, and to withdraw myself utterly from the world. +I was in spirit restless, yet my restlessness was not harassing, +but rather pleasant. I saw clearly that it was the work of God, +and that His Majesty had furnished my soul with fervour, so that +I might be able to digest other and stronger food than I had been +accustomed to eat. I tried to think what I could do for God, and +thought that the first thing was to follow my vocation to a +religious life, which His Majesty had given me, by keeping my +rule in the greatest perfection possible. + +12. Though in that house in which I then lived there were many +servants of God, and God was greatly served therein, yet, because +it was very poor, the nuns left it very often and went to other +places, where, however, we could serve God in all honour and +observances of religion. The rule also was kept, not in its +original exactness, but according to the custom of the whole +Order, authorised by the Bull of Mitigation. There were other +inconveniences also: we had too many comforts, as it seemed to +me; for the house was large and pleasant. But this inconvenience +of going out, though it was I that took most advantage of it, was +a very grievous one for me; for many persons, to whom my +superiors could not say no, were glad to have me with them. +My superiors, thus importuned, commanded me to visit these +persons; and thus it was so arranged that I could not be long +together in the monastery. Satan, too, must have had a share in +this, in order that I might not be in the house, where I was of +great service to those of my sisters to whom I continually +communicated the instructions which I received from +my confessors. + +13. It occurred once to a person with whom I was speaking to say +to me and the others that it was possible to find means for the +foundation of a monastery, if we were prepared to become nuns +like those of the Barefooted Orders. [4] I, having this desire, +began to discuss the matter with that widowed lady who was my +companion,--I have spoken of her before, [5]--and she had the +same wish that I had. She began to consider how to provide a +revenue for the home. I see now that this was not the way,--only +the wish we had to do so made us think it was; but I, on the +other hand, seeing that I took the greatest delight in the house +in which I was then living, because it was very pleasant to me, +and, in my own cell, most convenient for my purpose, still held +back. Nevertheless, we agreed to commit the matter with all +earnestness to God. + +14. One day, after Communion, our Lord commanded me to labour +with all my might for this end. He made me great promises,--that +the monastery would be certainly built; that He would take great +delight therein; that it should be called St. Joseph's; that +St. Joseph would keep guard at one door, and our Lady at the +other; that Christ would be in the midst of us; that the +monastery would be a star shining in great splendour; that, +though the religious Orders were then relaxed, I was not to +suppose that He was scantily served in them,--for what would +become of the world, if there were no religious in it?--I was to +tell my confessor what He commanded me, and that He asked him not +to oppose nor thwart me in the matter. + +15. So efficacious was the vision, and such was the nature of the +words our Lord spoke to me, that I could not possibly doubt that +they came from Him. I suffered most keenly, because I saw in +part the great anxieties and troubles that the work would cost +me, and I was also very happy in the house I was in then; and +though I used to speak of this matter in past times, yet it was +not with resolution nor with any confidence that the thing could +ever be done. I saw that I was now in a great strait; and when I +saw that I was entering on a work of great anxiety, I hesitated; +but our Lord spoke of it so often to me, and set before me so +many reasons and motives, which I saw could not be gainsaid,--I +saw, too, that such was His will; so I did not dare do otherwise +than put the whole matter before my confessor, and give him an +account in writing of all that took place. + +16. My confessor did not venture definitely to bid me abandon my +purpose; but he saw that naturally there was no way of carrying +it out; because my friend, who was to do it, had very little or +no means available for that end. He told me to lay the matter +before my superior, [6] and do what he might bid me do. I never +spoke of my visions to my superior, but that lady who desired to +found the monastery communicated with him. The Provincial was +very much pleased, for he loves the whole Order, gave her every +help that was necessary, and promised to acknowledge the house. +Then there was a discussion about the revenues of the monastery, +and for many reasons we never would allow more than thirteen +sisters together. Before we began our arrangements, we wrote to +the holy friar, Peter of Alcantara, telling him all that was +taking place; and he advised us not to abandon our work, and gave +us his sanction on all points. + +17. As soon as the affair began to be known here, there fell upon +us a violent persecution, which cannot be very easily +described--sharp sayings and keen jests. People said it was +folly in me, who was so well off in my monastery; as to my +friend, the persecution was so continuous, that it wearied her. +I did not know what to do, and I thought that people were partly +in the right. When I was thus heavily afflicted, I commended +myself to God, and His Majesty began to console and encourage me. +He told me that I could then see what the Saints had to go +through who founded the religious Orders: that I had much heavier +persecutions to endure than I could imagine, but I was not to +mind them. He told me also what I was to say to my friend; and +what surprised me most was, that we were consoled at once as to +the past, and resolved to withstand everybody courageously. +And so it came to pass; for among people of prayer, and indeed in +the whole neighbourhood, there was hardly one who was not against +us, and who did not think our work the greatest folly. + +18. There was so much talking and confusion in the very monastery +wherein I was, that the Provincial began to think it hard for him +to set himself against everybody; so he changed his mind, and +would not acknowledge the new house. He said that the revenue +was not certain, and too little, while the opposition was great. +On the whole, it seemed that he was right; he gave it up at last, +and would have nothing to do with it. It was a very great pain +to us,--for we seemed now to have received the first blow,--and +in particular to me, to find the Provincial against us; for when +he approved of the plan, I considered myself blameless before +all. They would not give absolution to my friend, if she did not +abandon the project; for they said she was bound to remove +the scandal. + +19. She went to a very learned man, and a very great servant of +God, of the Order of St. Dominic, [7] to whom she gave an account +of all this matter. This was even before the Provincial had +withdrawn his consent; for in this place we had no one who would +give us advice; and so they said that it all proceeded solely +from our obstinacy. That lady gave an account of everything, and +told the holy man how much she received from the property of her +husband. Having, a great desire that he would help us,--for he +was the most learned man here, and there are few in his Order +more learned than he,--I told him myself all we intended to do, +and some of my motives. I never said a word of any revelation +whatever, speaking only of the natural reasons which influenced +me; for I would not have him give an opinion otherwise than on +those grounds. He asked us to give him eight days before he +answered, and also if we had made up our minds to abide by what +he might say. I said we had; but though I said so, and though I +thought so, I never lost a certain confidence that the monastery +would be founded. My friend had more faith than I; nothing they +could say could make her give it up. As for myself, though, as I +said, it seemed to me impossible that the work should be finally +abandoned, yet my belief in the truth of the revelation went no +further than in so far as it was not against what is contained in +the sacred writings, nor against the laws of the Church, which we +are bound to keep. Though the revelation seemed to me to have +come really from God, yet, if that learned man had told me that +we could not go on without offending God and going against our +conscience, I believe I should have given it up, and looked out +for some other way; but our Lord showed me no other way +than this. + +20. The servant of God told me afterwards that he had made up his +mind to insist on the abandonment of our project, for he had +already heard the popular cry: moreover, he, as everybody did, +thought it folly; and a certain nobleman also, as soon as he knew +that we had gone to him, had sent him word to consider well what +he was doing, and to give us no help; that when he began to +consider the answer he should make us, and to ponder on the +matter, the object we had in view, our manner of life, and the +Order, he became convinced that it was greatly for the service of +God, and that we must not give it up. Accordingly, his answer +was that we should make haste to settle the matter. He told us +how and in what way it was to be done; and if our means were +scanty, we must trust somewhat in God. If anyone made any +objections, they were to go to him--he would answer them; and in +this way he always helped us, as I shall show by and by. [8] + +21. This answer was a great comfort to us; so also was the +conduct of certain holy persons who were usually against us: they +were now pacified, and some of them even helped us. One of them +was the saintly nobleman [9] of whom I spoke before; [10] he +looked on it--so, indeed, it was--as a means of great perfection, +because the whole foundation was laid in prayer. He saw also +very many difficulties before us, and no way out of them,--yet he +gave up his own opinion, and admitted that the work might be of +God. Our Lord Himself must have touched his heart, as He also +did that of the doctor, the priest and servant of God, to whom, +as I said before, [11] I first spoke, who is an example to the +whole city,--being one whom God maintains there for the relief +and progress of many souls: he, too, came now to give us +his assistance. + +22. When matters had come to this state, and always with the help +of many prayers, we purchased a house in a convenient spot; and +though it was small, I cared not at all for that, for our Lord +had told me to go into it as well as I could,--that I should see +afterwards what He would do; and how well I have seen it! I saw, +too, how scanty were our means; and yet I believed our Lord +would order these things by other ways, and be gracious unto us. + + +1. See ch. v. § 14, ch. vi. § 1. + +2. Ch. xxxi. § 3. + +3. In 1558 (De la Fuente). + +4. This was said by Maria de Ocampo, niece of St. Teresa, then +living in the monastery of the Incarnation, but not a religious; +afterwards Maria Bautista, Prioress of the Carmelites at +Valladolid (Ribera, i. 7). + +5. Ch. xxiv. § 5. Doña Guiomar de Ulloa. + +6. The Provincial of the Carmelites: F. Angel de Salasar (De +la Fuente). + +7. F. Pedro Ibañez (De la Fuente). + +8. Ch. xxxiii. § 8. + +9. Francis de Salcedo. + +10. Ch. xxiii. § 6. + +11. Gaspar Daza. See ch. xxiii. § 6. + + + +Chapter XXXIII. + + +The Foundation of the Monastery Hindered. Our Lord Consoles +the Saint. + + +1. When the matter was in this state--so near its conclusion, +that on the very next day the papers were to be signed--then it +was that the Father Provincial changed his mind. I believe that +the change was divinely ordered--so it appeared afterwards; for +while so many prayers were made, our Lord was perfecting His work +and arranging its execution in another way. When the Provincial +refused us, my confessor bade me forthwith to think no more of +it, notwithstanding the great trouble and distress which our Lord +knows it cost me to bring it to this state. When the work was +given up and abandoned, people were the more convinced that it +was altogether the foolishness of women; and the complaints +against me were multiplied, although I had until then this +commandment of my Provincial to justify me. + +2. I was now very much disliked throughout the whole monastery, +because I wished to found another with stricter enclosure. +It was said I insulted my sisters; that I could serve God among +them as well as elsewhere, for there were many among them much +better than I; that I did not love the house, and that it would +have been better if I had procured greater resources for it than +for another. Some said I ought to be put in prison; others--but +they were not many--defended me in some degree. I saw well +enough that they were for the most part right, and now and then I +made excuses for myself; though, as I could not tell them the +chief reason, which was the commandment of our Lord, I knew not +what to do, and so was silent. + +3. In other respects God was most merciful unto me, for all this +caused me no uneasiness; and I gave up our design with much +readiness and joy, as if it cost me nothing. No one could +believe it, not even those men of prayer with whom I conversed; +for they thought I was exceedingly pained and sorry: even my +confessor himself could hardly believe it. I had done, as it +seemed to me, all that was in my power. I thought myself obliged +to do no more than I had done to fulfil our Lord's commandment, +and so I remained in the house where I was, exceedingly happy and +joyful; though, at the same time, I was never able to give up my +conviction that the work would be done. I had now no means of +doing it, nor did I know how or when it would be done; but I +firmly believed in its accomplishment. + +4. I was much distressed at one time by a letter which my +confessor wrote to me, as if I had done anything in the matter +contrary to his will. Our Lord also must have meant that +suffering should not fail me there where I should feel it most; +and so, amid the multitude of my persecutions, when, as it seemed +to me, consolations should have come from my confessor, he told +me that I ought to recognise in the result that all was a dream; +that I ought to lead a new life by ceasing to have anything to do +for the future with it, or even to speak of it any more, seeing +the scandal it had occasioned. He made some further remarks, all +of them very painful. This was a greater affliction to me than +all the others together. I considered whether I had done +anything myself, and whether I was to blame for anything that was +an offence unto God; whether all my visions were illusions, all +my prayers a delusion, and I, therefore, deeply deluded and lost. +This pressed so heavily upon me, that I was altogether disturbed +and most grievously distressed. But our Lord, who never failed +me in all the trials I speak of, so frequently consoled and +strengthened me, that I need not speak of it here. He told me +then not to distress myself; that I had pleased God greatly, and +had not sinned against Him throughout the whole affair; that I +was to do what my confessors required of me, and be silent on the +subject till the time came to resume it. I was so comforted and +so happy, that the persecution which had befallen me seemed to be +as nothing at all. + +5. Our Lord now showed me what an exceedingly great blessing it +is to be tried and persecuted for His sake; for the growth of the +love of God in my soul, which I now discerned, as well as of many +other virtues, was such as to fill me with wonder. It made me +unable to abstain from desiring trials, and yet those about me +thought I was exceedingly disheartened; and I must have been so, +if our Lord in that extremity had not succoured me with His great +compassion. Now was the beginning of those more violent +impetuosities of the love of God of which I have spoken +before, [1] as well as of those profounder trances. I kept +silence, however, and never spoke of those graces to any one. +The saintly Dominican [2] was as confident as I was that the work +would be done; and as I would not speak of it, in order that +nothing might take place contrary to the obedience I owed my +confessor, he communicated with my companion, and they wrote +letters to Rome and made their preparations. + +6. Satan also contrived now that persons should hear one from +another that I had had a revelation in the matter; and people +came to me in great terror, saying that the times were dangerous, +that something might be laid to my charge, and that I might be +taken before the Inquisitors. I heard this with pleasure, and it +made me laugh, because I never was afraid of them; for I knew +well enough that in matters of faith I would not break the least +ceremony of the Church, that I would expose myself to die a +thousand times rather than that any one should see me go against +it or against any truth of Holy Writ. So I told them I was not +afraid of that, for my soul must be in a very bad state if there +was anything the matter with it of such a nature as to make me +fear the Inquisition; I would go myself and give myself up, if I +thought there was anything amiss; and if I should be denounced, +our Lord would deliver me, and I should gain much. + +7. I had recourse to my Dominican father; for I could rely upon +him, because he was a learned man. I told him all about my +visions, my way of prayer, the great graces our Lord had given +me, as clearly as I could, and I begged him to consider the +matter well, and tell me if there was anything therein at +variance with the Holy Writings, and give me his opinion on the +whole matter. He reassured me much, and, I think, profited +himself; for though he was exceedingly good, yet, from this time +forth, he gave himself more and more to prayer, and retired to a +monastery of his Order which was very lonely, that he might apply +himself more effectually to prayer, where he remained more than +two years. He was dragged out of his solitude by obedience, to +his great sorrow: his superiors required his services; for he was +a man of great ability. I, too, on my part, felt his retirement +very much, because it was a great loss to me, though I did not +disturb him. But I knew it was a gain to him; for when I was so +much distressed at his departure, our Lord bade me be comforted, +not to take it to heart, for he was gone under good guidance. + +8. So, when he came back, his soul had made such great progress, +and he was so advanced in the ways of the spirit, that he told me +on his return he would not have missed that journey for anything +in the world. And I, too, could say the same thing; for where he +reassured and consoled me formerly by his mere learning, he did +so now through that spiritual experience he had gained of +supernatural things. And God, too, brought him here in time; for +He saw that his help would be required in the foundation of the +monastery, which His Majesty willed should be laid. + +9. I remained quiet after this for five or six months, neither +thinking nor speaking of the matter; nor did our Lord once speak +to me about it. I know not why, but I could never rid myself of +the thought that the monastery would be founded. At the end of +that time, the then Rector [3] of the Society of Jesus having +gone away, His Majesty brought into his place another, [4] of +great spirituality, high courage, strong understanding, and +profound learning, at the very time when I was in great straits. +As he who then heard my confession had a superior over him--the +fathers of the Society are extremely strict about the virtue of +obedience and never stir but in conformity with the will of their +superiors,--so he would not dare, though he perfectly understood +my spirit, and desired the accomplishment of my purpose, to come +to any resolution; and he had many reasons to justify his +conduct. I was at the same time subject to such great +impetuosities of spirit, that I felt my chains extremely heavy; +nevertheless, I never swerved from the commandment he gave me. + +10. One day, when in great distress, because I thought my +confessor did not trust me, our Lord said to me, Be not troubled; +this suffering will soon be over. I was very much delighted, +thinking I should die shortly; and I was very happy whenever I +recalled those words to remembrance. Afterwards I saw clearly +that they referred to the coming of the rector of whom I am +speaking, for never again had I any reason to be distressed. +The rector that came never interfered with the father-minister +who was my confessor. On the contrary, he told him to console +me,--that there was nothing to be afraid of,--and not to direct +me along a road so narrow, but to leave the operations of the +Spirit of God alone; for now and then it seemed as if these great +impetuosities of the spirit took away the very breath of +the soul. + +11. The rector came to see me, and my confessor bade me speak to +him in all freedom and openness. I used to feel the very +greatest repugnance to speak of this matter; but so it was, when +I went into the confessional, I felt in my soul something, I know +not what. I do not remember to have felt so either before or +after towards any one. I cannot tell what it was, nor do I know +of anything with which I could compare it. It was a spiritual +joy, and a conviction in my soul that his soul must understand +mine, that it was in unison with it, and yet, as I have said, I +knew not how. If I had ever spoken to him, or had heard great +things of him, it would have been nothing out of the way that I +should rejoice in the conviction that he would understand me; but +he had never spoken to me before, nor I to him, and, indeed, he +was a person of whom I had no previous knowledge whatever. + +12. Afterwards, I saw clearly that my spirit was not deceived; +for my relations with him were in every way of the utmost service +to me and my soul, because his method of direction is proper for +those persons whom our Lord seems to have led far on the way, +seeing that He makes them run, and not to crawl step by step. +His plan is to render them thoroughly detached and mortified, and +our Lord has endowed him with the highest gifts herein as well as +in many other things beside. As soon as I began to have to do +with him, I knew his method at once, and saw that he had a pure +and holy soul, with a special grace of our Lord for the +discernment of spirits. He gave me great consolation. +Shortly after I had begun to speak to him, our Lord began to +constrain me to return to the affair of the monastery, and to lay +before my confessor and the father-rector many reasons and +considerations why they should not stand in my way. Some of +these reasons made them afraid, for the father-rector never had a +doubt of its being the work of the Spirit of God, because he +regarded the fruits of it with great care and attention. At +last, after much consideration, they did not dare to +hinder me. [5] + +13. My confessor gave me leave to prosecute the work with all my +might. I saw well enough the trouble I exposed myself to, for I +was utterly alone, and able to do so very little. We agreed that +it should be carried on with the utmost secrecy; and so I +contrived that one of my sisters, [6] who lived out of the town, +should buy a house, and prepare it as if for herself, with money +which our Lord provided for us. [7] I made it a great point to +do nothing against obedience; but I knew that if I spoke of it to +my superiors all was lost, as on the former occasion, and worse +even might happen. In holding the money, in finding the house, +in treating for it, in putting it in order, I had so much to +suffer; and, for the most part, I had to suffer alone, though my +friend did what she could: she could do but little, and that was +almost nothing. Beyond giving her name and her countenance, the +whole of the trouble was mine; and that fell upon me in so many +ways, that I am astonished now how I could have borne it. [8] +Sometimes, in my affliction, I used to say: O my Lord, how is it +that Thou commandest me to do that which seems impossible?--for, +though I am a woman, yet, if I were free, it might be done; but +when I am tied in so many ways, without money, or the means of +procuring it, either for the purpose of the Brief or for any +other,--what, O Lord, can I do? + +14. Once when I was in one of my difficulties, not knowing what +to do, unable to pay the workmen, St. Joseph, my true father and +lord, appeared to me, and gave me to understand that money would +not be wanting, and I must hire the workmen. So I did, though I +was penniless; and our Lord, in a way that filled those who heard +of it with wonder, provided for me. The house offered me was too +small,--so much so, that it seemed as if it could never be made +into a monastery,--and I wished to buy another, but had not the +means, and there was neither way nor means to do so. I knew not +what to do. There was another little house close to the one we +had, which might have formed a small church. One day, after +Communion, our Lord said to me, I have already bidden thee to go +in anyhow. And then, as if exclaiming, said: Oh, covetousness of +the human race, thinking that even the whole earth is too little +for it! how often have I slept in the open air, because I had no +place to shelter Me! [9] I was alarmed, and saw that He had good +reasons to complain. I went to the little house, arranged the +divisions of it, and found that it would make a sufficient, +though small, monastery. I did not care now to add to the site +by purchase, and so I did nothing but contrive to have it +prepared in such a way that it could be lived in. Everything was +coarse, and nothing more was done to it than to render it not +hurtful to health--and that must be done everywhere. + +15. As I was going to Communion on her feast, St. Clare appeared +to me in great beauty, and bade me take courage, and go on with +what I had begun; she would help me. I began to have a great +devotion to St. Clare; and she has so truly kept her word, that a +monastery of nuns of her Order in our neighbourhood helped us to +live; and, what is of more importance, by little and little she +so perfectly fulfilled my desire, that the poverty which the +blessed Saint observes in her own house is observed in this, and +we are living on alms. It cost me no small labour to have this +matter settled by the plenary sanction and authority of the Holy +Father, [10] so that it shall never be otherwise, and we possess +no revenues. Our Lord is doing more for us--perhaps we owe it to +the prayers of this blessed Saint; for, without our asking +anybody, His Majesty supplies most abundantly all our wants. +May He be blessed for ever! Amen. + +16. On one of these days--it was the Feast of the Assumption of +our Lady--I was in the church of the monastery of the Order of +the glorious St. Dominic, thinking of the events of my wretched +life, and of the many sins which in times past I had confessed in +that house. I fell into so profound a trance, that I was as it +were beside myself. I sat down, and it seemed as if I could +neither see the Elevation nor hear Mass. This afterwards became +a scruple to me. I thought then, when I was in that state, that +I saw myself clothed with a garment of excessive whiteness and +splendour. At first I did not see who was putting it on me. +Afterwards I saw our Lady on my right hand, and my father +St. Joseph on my left, clothing me with that garment. I was +given to understand that I was then cleansed from my sins. +When I had been thus clad--I was filled with the utmost delight +and joy--our Lady seemed at once to take me by both hands. +She said that I pleased her very much by being devout to the +glorious St. Joseph; that I might rely on it my desires about the +monastery were accomplished, and that our Lord and they too would +be greatly honoured in it; that I was to be afraid of no failure +whatever, though the obedience under which it would be placed +might not be according to my mind, because they would watch over +us, and because her Son had promised to be with us [11]--and, as +a proof of this, she would give me that jewel. She then seemed +to throw around my neck a most splendid necklace of gold, from +which hung a cross of great value. The stones and gold were so +different from any in this world, that there is nothing wherewith +to compare them. The beauty of them is such as can be conceived +by no imagination,--and no understanding can find out the +materials of the robe, nor picture to itself the splendours which +our Lord revealed, in comparison with which all the splendours of +earth, so to say, are a daubing of soot. This beauty, which I +saw in our Lady, was exceedingly grand, though I did not trace it +in any particular feature, but rather in the whole form of her +face. She was clothed in white and her garments shone with +excessive lustre that was not dazzling, but soft. I did not see +St. Joseph so distinctly, though I saw clearly that he was there, +as in the visions of which I spoke before, [12] in which nothing +is seen. Our Lady seemed to be very young. + +17. When they had been with me for a while,--I, too, in the +greatest delight and joy, greater than I had ever had before, as +I think, and with which I wished never to part,--I saw them, so +it seemed, ascend up to heaven, attended by a great multitude of +angels. I was left in great loneliness, though so comforted and +raised up, so recollected in prayer and softened, that I was for +some time unable to move or speak--being, as it were, beside +myself. I was now possessed by a strong desire to be consumed +for the love of God, and by other affections of the same kind. +Everything took place in such a way that I could never have a +doubt--though I often tried--that the vision came from God. [13] +It left me in the greatest consolation and peace. + +18. As to that which the Queen of the Angels spoke about +obedience, it is this: it was painful to me not to subject the +monastery to the Order, and our Lord had told me that it was +inexpedient to do so. He told me the reasons why it was in no +wise convenient that I should do it but I must send to Rome in a +certain way, which He also explained; He would take care that I +found help there: and so I did. I sent to Rome, as our Lord +directed me,--for we should never have succeeded otherwise,--and +most favourable was the result. + +19. And as to subsequent events, it was very convenient to be +under the Bishop, [14] but at that time I did not know him, nor +did I know what kind of a superior he might be. It pleased our +Lord that he should be as good and favourable to this house as it +was necessary he should be on account of the great opposition it +met with at the beginning, as I shall show hereafter, [15] and +also for the sake of bringing it to the condition it is now in. +Blessed be He who has done it all! Amen. + + +1. Ch. xxi. § 6, ch. xxix. §§ 10, 11. + +2. Pedro Ibañez. See ch. xxxviii. § 15. + +3. Dionisio Vasquez. Of him the Bollandists say that he was very +austere and harsh to his subjects, notwithstanding his great +learning: "homini egregie docto ac rebus gestis claro, sed in +subditos, ut ex historia Societatis Jesu liquet, valde immiti" +(n. 309). + +4. Gaspar de Salazar was made rector of the house in Avila in +1561, therein succeeding Vasquez (Bollandists, ibid.). + +5. St. Teresa was commanded by our Lord to ask Father Baltasar +Alvarez to make a meditation on Psalm xci. 6: "Quam magnificata +sunt opera Tua." The Saint obeyed, and the meditation was made. +From that moment, as F. Alvarez afterwards told Father de Ribera +(Life of St. Teresa, i. ch. vii.), there was no further +hesitation on the part of the Saint's confessor. + +6. Juana de Ahumada, wife of Juan de Ovalle. + +7. The money was a present from her brother, Don Lorenzo de +Cepeda; and the Saint acknowledges the receipt of it, and +confesses the use made of it, in a letter to her brother, written +in Avila, Dec. 31, 1561 (De la Fuente). + +8. One day, she went with her sister--she was staying in her +house--to hear a sermon in the church of St. Thomas. The zealous +preacher denounced visions and revelations; and his observations +were so much to the point, that there was no need of his saying +that they were directed against St. Teresa, who was present. +Her sister was greatly hurt, and persuaded the Saint to return to +the monastery at once (Reforma, i. ch. xlii. § 1). + +9. St. Luke ix. 58: "Filius autem hominis non habet ubi +caput reclinet." + +10. Pius IV., on Dec. 5, 1562, (Bouix). See ch. xxxix. § 19. + +11. Ch. xxxii. § 14. + +12. See ch. xxvii. § 7. + +13. "Nuestro Señor," "our Lord," though inserted in the printed +editions after the word "God," is not in the MS., according to +Don V. de la Fuente. + +14. Don Alvaro de Mendoza, Bishop of Avila, afterwards +of Palencia. + +15. See ch. xxxvi. § 15; Way of Perfection, ch. v. § 10; +Foundations, ch. xxxi. § 1. + + + +Chapter XXXIV. + + +The Saint Leaves Her Monastery of the Incarnation for a Time, at +the Command of Her Superior. Consoles an Afflicted Widow. + + +1. Now, though I was very careful that no one should know what we +were doing, all this work could not be carried on so secretly as +not to come to the knowledge of divers persons; some believed, in +it, others did not, I was in great fear lest the Provincial +should be spoken to about it when he came, and find himself +compelled to order me to give it up; and if he did so, it would +have been abandoned at once. Our Lord provided against it in +this way. In a large city, more than twenty leagues distant, was +a lady in great distress on account of her husband's death. [1] +She was in such extreme affliction, that fears were entertained +about her life. She had heard of me, a poor sinner,--for our +Lord had provided that,--and men spoke well to her of me, for the +sake of other good works which resulted from it. This lady knew +the Provincial well; and as she was a person of some +consideration, and knew that I lived in a monastery the nuns of +which were permitted to go out, our Lord made her desire much to +see me. She thought that my presence would be a consolation to +her, and that she could not be comforted otherwise. +She therefore strove by all the means in her power to get me into +her house, sending messages to the Provincial, who was at a +distance far away. + +2. The Provincial sent me an order, charging me in virtue of my +obedience to go immediately, with one companion. I knew of it on +Christmas night. It caused me some trouble and much suffering to +see that they sent for me because they thought there was some +good in me; I, knowing myself to be so wicked, could not bear it. +I commended myself earnestly to God, and during Matins, or the +greater part of them, was lost in a profound trance. Our Lord +told me I must go without fail, and give no heed to the opinions +of people, for they were few who would not be rash in their +counsel; and though I should have troubles, yet God would be +served greatly: as to the monastery, it was expedient I should be +absent till the Brief came, because Satan had contrived a great +plot against the coming of the Provincial; that I was to have no +fear,--He would help me. I repeated this to the rector, and he +told me that I must go by all means, though others were saying I +ought not to go, that it was a trick of Satan to bring some evil +upon me there, and that I ought to send word to the Provincial. + +3. I obeyed the rector, and went without fear, because of what I +had understood in prayer, though in the greatest confusion when I +thought of the reasons why they sent for me, and how very much +they were deceived. It made me more and more importunate with +our Lord that He would not abandon me. It was a great comfort +that there was a house of the Society of Jesus there whither I +was going, and so I thought I should be in some degree safe under +the direction of those fathers, as I had been here. + +4. It was the good pleasure of our Lord that the lady who sent +for me should be so much consoled that a visible improvement was +the immediate result she was comforted every day more and more. +This was very remarkable, because, as I said before, her +suffering had reduced her to great straits. Our Lord must have +done this in answer to the many prayers which the good people of +my acquaintance made for me, that I might prosper in my work. +She had a profound fear of God, and was so good, that her great +devotion supplied my deficiencies. She conceived a great +affection for me--I, too, for her, because of her goodness; but +all was as it were a cross for me; for the comforts of her house +were a great torment, and her making so much of me made me +afraid. I kept my soul continually recollected--I did not dare +to be careless: nor was our Lord careless of me; for while I was +there, He bestowed the greatest graces upon me, and those graces +made me so free, and filled me with such contempt for all I +saw,--and the more I saw, the greater my contempt,--that I never +failed to treat those ladies, whom to serve would have been a +great honour for me, with as much freedom as if I had been +their equal. + +5. I derived very great advantages from this, and I said so. +I saw that she was a woman, and as much liable to passion and +weakness as I was; that rank is of little worth, and the higher +it is, the greater the anxiety and trouble it brings. +People must be careful of the dignity of their state, which will +not suffer them to live at ease; they must eat at fixed hours and +by rule, for everything must be according to their state, and not +according to their constitutions; and they have frequently to +take food fitted more for their state than for their liking. + +6. So it was that I came to hate the very wish to be a great +lady. God deliver me from this wicked, artificial life!--though +I believe that this lady, notwithstanding that she was one of the +chief personages of the realm, was a woman of great simplicity, +and that few were more humble than she was. I was very sorry for +her, for I saw how often she had to submit to much that was +disagreeable to her, because of the requirements of her rank. +Then, as to servants, though this lady had very good servants, +how slight is that little trust that may be put in them! +One must not be conversed with more than another; otherwise, he +who is so favoured is envied by the rest. This of itself is a +slavery, and one of the lies of the world is that it calls such +persons masters, who, in my eyes, are nothing else but slaves in +a thousand ways. + +7. It was our Lord's pleasure that the household of that lady +improved in the service of His Majesty during my stay there, +though I was not exempted from some trials and some jealousies on +the part of some of its members, because of the great affection +their mistress had for me. They perhaps must have thought I had +some personal interest to serve. Our Lord must have permitted +such matters, and others of the same kind, to give me trouble, in +order that I might not be absorbed in the comforts which +otherwise I had there; and He was pleased to deliver me out of it +all with great profit to my soul. + +8. When I was there, a religious person of great consideration, +and with whom I had conversed occasionally some years ago, [2] +happened to arrive. When I was at Mass, in a monastery of his +Order, near the house in which I was staying, I felt a longing to +know the state of his soul,--for I wished him to be a great +servant of God,--and I rose up in order to go and speak to him. +But as I was then recollected in prayer, it seemed to me a waste +of time--for what had I to do in that matter?--and so I returned +to my place. Three times, I think I did this, and at last my +good angel prevailed over the evil one, and I went and asked for +him; and he came to speak to me in one of the confessionals. +We began by asking one another of our past lives, for we had not +seen one another for many years. I told him that my life had +been one in which my soul had had many trials. He insisted much +on my telling him what those trials were. I said that they were +not to be told, and that I was not to tell them. He replied that +the Dominican father, [3] of whom I have spoken, knew them, and +that, as they were great friends, he could learn them from him, +and so I had better tell them without hesitation. + +9. The fact is, that it was not in his power not to insist, nor +in mine, I believe, to refuse to speak; for notwithstanding all +the trouble and shame I used to feel formerly, I spoke of my +state, to him, and to the rector whom I have referred to +before, [4] without any difficulty whatever; on the contrary, it +was a great consolation to me; and so I told him all in +confession. He seemed to me then more prudent than ever; though +I had always looked upon him as a man of great understanding. +I considered what high gifts and endowments for great services he +had, if he gave himself wholly unto God. I had this feeling now +for many years, so that I never saw any one who pleased me much +without wishing at once he were given wholly unto God; and +sometimes I feel this so keenly, that I can hardly contain +myself. Though I long to see everybody serve God, yet my desire +about those who please me is very vehement, and so I importune +our Lord on their behalf. + +10. So it happened with respect to this religious. He asked me +to pray much for him to God. There was no necessity for his +doing so, because I could not do anything else, and so I went +back to my place where I was in the habit of praying alone, and +began to pray to our Lord, being extremely recollected, in that +my simple, silly way, when I speak without knowing very often +what I am saying. It is love that speaks, and my soul is so +beside itself, that I do not regard the distance between it and +God. That love which I know His Majesty has for it makes it +forget itself, and think itself to be one with Him; and so, as +being one with Him, and not divided from Him, the soul speaks +foolishly. When I had prayed with many tears that the soul of +this religious might serve Him truly,--for, though I considered +it good, it was not enough for me; I would have it much +better,--I remember I said, "O Lord, Thou must not refuse me this +grace; behold him,--he is a fit person to be our friend." + +11. Oh, the great goodness and compassion of God! How He regards +not the words, but the desire and the will with which they are +spoken! How He suffered such a one as I am to speak so boldly +before His Majesty! May He be blessed for evermore! + +12. I remember that during those hours of prayer on that very +night I was extremely distressed by the thought whether I was in +the grace of God, and that I could never know whether I was so or +not,--not that I wished to know it; I wished, however, to die, in +order that I might not live a life in which I was not sure that I +was not dead in sin, for there could be no death more dreadful +for me than to think that I had sinned against God. I was in +great straits at this thought. I implored Him not to suffer me +to fall into sin, with great sweetness, dissolved in tears. +Then I heard that I might console myself, and trust [5] that I +was in a state of grace, because a love of God like mine, +together with the graces and feelings with which His Majesty +filled my soul, was of such a nature as to be inconsistent with a +state of mortal sin. + +13. I was now confident that our Lord would grant my prayer as to +that religious. He bade me repeat certain words to him. This I +felt much, because I knew not how to speak to him; for this +carrying messages to a third person, as I have said, [6] is what +I have always felt the most, especially when I did not know how +that person would take them, nor whether he would not laugh at +me. This placed me in great difficulties, but at last I was so +convinced I ought to do it, that I believe I made a promise to +God I would not neglect that message; and because of the great +shame I felt, I wrote it out, and gave it in that way. +The result showed clearly enough that it was a message from God, +for that religious resolved with great earnestness to give +himself to prayer, though he did not do so at once. Our Lord +would have him for Himself, so He sent me to tell him certain +truths which, without my understanding them, were so much to the +purpose that he was astonished. Our Lord must have prepared him +to receive them as from His Majesty; and though I am but a +miserable sinner myself, yet I made many supplications to our +Lord to convert him thoroughly, and to make him hate the +pleasures and the things of this life. And so he did--blessed be +God!--for every time that he spoke to me I was in a manner beside +myself; and if I had not seen it, I should never have believed +that our Lord would have given him in so short a time graces so +matured, and filled him so full of God, that he seemed to be +alive to nothing on earth. + +14. May His Majesty hold him in His hand! If he will go on--and +I trust in our Lord he will do so, now that he is so well +grounded in the knowledge of himself--he will be one of the most +distinguished servants of God, to the great profit of many souls, +because he has in a short time had great experience in spiritual +things: that is a gift of God, which He gives when He will and as +He will, and it depends not on length of time nor extent of +service. I do not mean that time and service, are not great +helps, but very often our Lord will not give to some in twenty +years the grace of contemplation, while He gives it to others in +one,--His Majesty knoweth why. We are under a delusion when we +think that in the course of years we shall come to the knowledge +of that which we can in no way attain to but by experience; and +thus many are in error, as I have said [7] when they would +understand spirituality without being spiritual themselves. I do +not mean that a man who is not spiritual, if he is learned, may +not direct one that is spiritual; but it must be understood that +in outward and inward things, in the order of nature, the +direction must be an act of reason; and in supernatural things, +according to the teaching of the sacred writings. In other +matters, let him not distress himself, nor think that he can +understand that which he understandeth not; neither let him +quench the Spirit; [8] for now another Master, greater than he, +is directing these souls, so that they are not left without +authority over them. + +15. He must not be astonished at this, nor think it impossible: +all things are possible to our Lord; [9] he must strive rather to +strengthen his faith, and humble himself, because in this matter +our Lord imparts perhaps a deeper knowledge to some old woman +than to him, though he may be a very learned man. Being thus +humble, he will profit souls and himself more than if he affected +to be a contemplative without being so; for, I repeat it, if he +have no experience, if he have not a most profound humility, +whereby he may see that he does not understand, and that the +thing is not for that reason impossible, he will do himself but +little good, and still less to his penitent. But if he is +humble, let him have no fear that our Lord will allow either the +one or the other to fall into delusion. + +16. Now as to this father I am speaking of, as our Lord has given +him light in many things, so has he laboured to find out by study +that which in this matter can be by study ascertained; for he is +a very learned man, and that of which he has no experience +himself he seeks to find out from those who have it,--and our +Lord helps him by increasing his faith, and so he has greatly +benefited himself and some other souls, of whom mine is one. +As our Lord knew the trials I had to undergo, His Majesty seems +to have provided that, when He took away unto Himself some of +those who directed me, others might remain, who helped me in my +great afflictions, and rendered me great services. + +17. Our Lord wrought a complete change in this father, so much so +that he scarcely knew himself, so to speak. He has given him +bodily health, so that he may do penance, such as he never had +before; for he was sickly. He has given him courage to undertake +good works, with other gifts, so that he seems to have received a +most special vocation from our Lord. May He be blessed for ever! + +18. All these blessings, I believe, came to him through the +graces our Lord bestowed upon him in prayer; for they are real. +It has been our Lord's pleasure already to try him in certain +difficulties, out of which he has come forth like one who knows +the true worth of that merit which is gained by suffering +persecutions. I trust in the munificence of our Lord that great +good will, by his means, accrue to some of his Order and to the +Order itself. This is beginning to be understood. I have had +great visions on the subject, and our Lord has told me wonderful +things of him and of the Rector of the Society of Jesus, whom I +am speaking of, [10] and also of two other religious of the Order +of St. Dominic, particularly of one who, to his own profit, has +actually learned of our Lord certain things which I had formerly +understood of him. But there were greater things made known of +him to whom I am now referring: one of them I will now relate. + +19. I was with him once in the parlour, when in my soul and +spirit I felt what great love burned within him, and became as it +were lost in ecstasy by considering the greatness of God, who had +raised that soul in so short a time to a state so high. It made +me ashamed of myself when I saw him listen with so much humility +to what I was saying about certain matters of prayer, when I had +so little myself that I could speak on the subject to one like +him. Our Lord must have borne with me in this on account of the +great desire I had to see that religious making great progress. +My interview with him did me great good,--it seems as if it left +a new fire in my soul, burning with desire to serve our Lord as +in the beginning. O my Jesus! what is a soul on fire with Thy +love! How we ought to prize it, and implore our Lord to let it +live long upon earth! He who has this love should follow after +such souls, if it be possible. + +20. It is a great thing for a person ill of this disease to find +another struck down by it,--it comforts him much to see that he +is not alone; they help one another greatly to suffer and to +merit. They are strong with a double strength who are resolved +to risk a thousand lives for God, and who long for an opportunity +of losing them. They are like soldiers who, to acquire booty, +and therewith enrich themselves, wish for war, knowing well that +they cannot become rich without it. This is their work--to +suffer. Oh, what a blessing it is when our Lord gives light to +understand how great is the gain of suffering for Him! This is +never understood till we have left all things; for if anybody is +attached to any one thing, that is a proof that he sets some +value upon it; and if he sets any value upon it, it is painful to +be compelled to give it up. In that case, everything is +imperfect and lost. The saying is to the purpose here,--he who +follows what is lost, is lost himself; and what greater loss, +what greater blindness, what greater calamity, can there be than +making much of that which is nothing! + +21. I now return to that which I had begun to speak of. I was in +the greatest joy, beholding that soul. It seemed as if our Lord +would have me see clearly the treasures He had laid up in it; and +so, when I considered the favour our Lord had shown me, in that I +should be the means of so great a good, I recognised my own +unworthiness for such an end. I thought much of the graces our +Lord had given him, and held myself as indebted for them more +than if they had been given to myself. So I gave thanks to our +Lord, when I saw that His Majesty had fulfilled my desires and +heard my petition that He would raise up persons like him. +And now my soul, no longer able to bear the joy that filled it, +went forth out of itself, losing itself that it might gain the +more. It lost sight of the reflections it was making; and the +hearing of that divine language which the Holy Ghost seemed to +speak threw me into a deep trance, which almost deprived me of +all sense, though it did not last long. I saw Christ, in +exceeding great majesty and glory, manifesting His joy at what +was then passing. He told me as much, and it was His pleasure +that I should clearly see that He was always present at similar +interviews, and how much He was pleased when people thus found +their delight in speaking of Him. + +22. On another occasion, when far away from this place, I saw him +carried by angels in great glory. I understood by that vision +that his soul was making great progress: so it was; for an evil +report was spread abroad against him by one to whom he had +rendered a great service, and whose reputation and whose soul he +had saved. He bore it with much joy. He did also other things +greatly to the honour of God, and underwent more persecutions. +I do not think it expedient now to speak further on this point; +if, however, you, my father, who know all, should hereafter think +otherwise, more might be said to the glory of our Lord. + +23. All the prophecies spoken of before, [11] relating to this +house, as well as others, of which I shall speak hereafter, +relating to it and to other matters, have been accomplished. +Some of them our Lord revealed to me three years before they +became known, others earlier and others later. But I always made +them known to my confessor, and to the widow my friend; for I had +leave to communicate with her, as I said before. [12] She, I +know, repeated them to others, and these know that I lie not. +May God never permit me, in any matter whatever,--much more in +things of this importance,--to say anything but the whole truth! + +24. One of my brothers-in-law [13] died suddenly; and as I was in +great distress at this, because he had no opportunity of making +his confession, our Lord said to me in prayer that my sister also +was to die in the same way; that I must go to her, and make her +prepare herself for such an end. I told this to my confessor; +but as he would not let me go, I heard the same warning again; +and now, when he saw this, he told me I might go, and that I +should lose nothing by going. My sister was living in the +country; and as I did not tell her why I came, I gave her what +light I could in all things. I made her go frequently to +confession, and look to her soul in everything. She was very +good, and did as I asked her. Four or five years after she had +begun this practice, and keeping a strict watch over her +conscience, she died, with nobody near her, and without being +able to go to confession. This was a blessing to her, for it was +little more than a week since she had been to her accustomed +confession. It was a great joy to me when I heard of her death. +She was but a short time in purgatory. + +25. I do not think it was quite eight days afterwards when, after +Communion, our Lord appeared to me, and was pleased that I should +see Him receive my sister into glory. During all those years, +after our Lord had spoken to me, until her death, what I then +learnt with respect to her was never forgotten either by myself +or by my friend, who, when my sister was thus dead, came to me in +great amazement at the fulfilment of the prophecy. God be +praised for ever, who takes such care of souls that they may not +be lost! + + +1. Doña Luisa de la Cerda, sister of the Duke of Medina-Coeli, +was now the widow of Arias Pardo, Marshal of Castille, Lord of +Malagon and Paracuellos. Don Arias was nephew of Cardinal +Tabera, Archbishop of Toledo (De la Fuente). + +2. F. Vicente Barron, Dominican (see ch. v. § 8), according to +F. Bouix, on the authority of Ribera and Yepez; but the Carmelite +Father, Fr. Antonio of St. Joseph, in his note on the first +Fragment (Letters, vol. iv. p. 408), says that it was Fr. Garcia +of Toledo, brother of Don Fernando, Duke of Alva; and Don Vicente +de la Fuente thinks the opinion of Fr. Antonio the more probable. + +3. Pedro Ibañez (Bouix). + +4. Ch. xxxiii. § 11. + +5. Father Bouix says that here the word "confiar," "trust," in +the printed text, has been substituted by some one for the words +"estar cierta," "be certain," which he found in the MS. But Don +Vicente de la Fuente retains the old reading "confiar," and makes +no observation on the alleged discrepancy between the MS. and the +printed text. The observation of F. Bouix, however, is more +important, and deserves credit,--for Don Vicente may have failed, +through mere inadvertence, to see what F. Bouix saw; and it is +also to be remembered that Don Vicente does not say that the +MS. on this point has been so closely inspected as to throw any +doubt on the positive testimony of F. Bouix. Six years after +this note was written Don Vicente published a facsimile by +photography of the original text in the handwriting of the Saint, +preserved in the Escurial. The words are not "confiar," but +"estar cierta." + +6. Ch. xxxiii. § 12. + +7. Ch. xiv. § 10. + +8. 1 Thess. v. 19: "Spiritum nolite extinguere." + +9. St. Matt. xix. 26: "Apud Deum autem omnia possibilia sunt." + +10. F. Gaspar de Salazar. + +11. Ch. xxvi. § 3. + +12. Ch. xxx. § 3. Doña Guiomar de Ulloa. + +13. Don Martin de Guzman y Barrientos, husband of Maria de +Cepeda, the Saint's sister. + + + +Chapter XXXV. + + +The Foundation of the House of St. Joseph. The Observation of +Holy Poverty Therein. How the Saint Left Toledo. + + +1. When I was staying with this lady, [1] already spoken of, in +whose house I remained more than six months, our Lord ordained +that a holy woman [2] of our Order should hear of me, who was +more than seventy leagues away from the place. She happened to +travel this way, and went some leagues out of her road that she +might see me. Our Lord had moved her in the same year, and in +the same month of the year, that He had moved me, to found +another monastery of the Order; and as He had given her this +desire, she sold all she possessed, and went to Rome to obtain +the necessary faculties. She went on foot, and barefooted. +She is a woman of great penance and prayer, and one to whom our +Lord gave many graces; and our Lady appeared to her, and +commanded her to undertake this work. Her progress in the +service of our Lord was so much greater than mine, that I was +ashamed to stand in her presence. She showed me Briefs she +brought from Rome, and during the fortnight she remained with me +we laid our plan for the founding of these monasteries. + +2. Until I spoke to her, I never knew that our rule, before it +was mitigated, required of us that we should possess nothing; [3] +nor was I going to found a monastery without revenue, [4] for my +intention was that we should be without anxiety about all that +was necessary for us, and I did not think of the many anxieties +which the possession of property brings in its train. This holy +woman, taught of our Lord, perfectly understood--though she could +not read--what I was ignorant of, notwithstanding my having read +the Constitutions [5] so often; and when she told me of it, I +thought it right, though I feared they would never consent to +this, but would tell me I was committing follies, and that I +ought not to do anything whereby I might bring suffering upon +others. If this concerned only myself, nothing should have kept +me back,--on the contrary, it would have been my great joy to +think that I was observing the counsels of Christ our Lord; for +His Majesty had already given me great longings for poverty. [6] + +3. As for myself, I never doubted that this was the better part; +for I had now for some time wished it were possible in my state +to go about begging, for the love of God--to have no house of my +own, nor anything else. But I was afraid that others--if our +Lord did not give them the same desire--might live in discontent. +Moreover, I feared that it might be the cause of some +distraction: for I knew some poor monasteries not very +recollected, and I did not consider that their not being +recollected was the cause of their poverty, and that their +poverty was not the cause of their distraction: distraction never +makes people richer, and God never fails those who serve Him. +In short, I was weak in faith; but not so this servant of God. + +4. As I took the advice of many in everything, I found scarcely +any one of this opinion--neither my confessor, nor the learned +men to whom I spoke of it. They gave me so many reasons the +other way, that I did not know what to do. But when I saw what +the rule required, and that poverty was the more perfect way, I +could not persuade myself to allow an endowment. And though they +did persuade me now and then that they were right, yet, when I +returned to my prayer, and saw Christ on the cross, so poor and +destitute, I could not bear to be rich, and I implored Him with +tears so to order matters that I might be poor as He was. + +5. I found that so many inconveniences resulted from an +endowment, and saw that it was the cause of so much trouble, and +even distraction, that I did nothing but dispute with the +learned. I wrote to that Dominican friar [7] who was helping us, +and he sent back two sheets by way of reply, full of objections +and theology against my plan, telling me that he had thought much +on the subject. I answered that, in order to escape from my +vocation, the vow of poverty I had made, and the perfect +observance of the counsels of Christ, I did not want any theology +to help me, and in this case I should not thank him for his +learning. If I found any one who would help me, it pleased me +much. The lady in whose house I was staying was a great help to +me in this matter. Some at first told me that they agreed with +me; afterwards, when they had considered the matter longer, they +found in it so many inconveniences that they insisted on my +giving it up. I told them that, though they changed their +opinion so quickly, I would abide by the first. + +6. At this time, because of my entreaties,--for the lady had +never seen the holy friar, Peter of Alcantara,--it pleased our +Lord to bring him to her house. As he was a great lover of +poverty, and had lived in it for so many years, he knew well the +treasures it contains, and so he was a great help to me; he +charged me on no account whatever to give up my purpose. +Now, having this opinion and sanction,--no one was better able to +give it, because he knew what it was by long experience,--I made +up my mind to seek no further advice. + +7. One day, when I was very earnestly commending the matter to +God, our Lord told me that I must by no means give up my purpose +of founding the monastery in poverty; it was His will, and the +will of His Father: He would help me. I was in a trance; and the +effects were such, that I could have no doubt it came from God. +On another occasion, He said to me that endowments bred +confusion, with other things in praise of poverty; and assured me +that whosoever served Him would never be in want of the necessary +means of living: and this want, as I have said, [8] I never +feared myself. Our Lord changed the dispositions also of the +licentiate,--I am speaking of the Dominican friar, [9]--who, as I +said, wrote to me that I should not found the monastery without +an endowment. Now, I was in the greatest joy at hearing this; +and having these opinions in my favour, it seemed to me nothing +less than the possession of all the wealth of the world, when I +had resolved to live in poverty for the love of God. + +8. At this time, my Provincial withdrew the order and the +obedience, in virtue of which I was staying in that house. [10] +He left it to me to do as I liked: if I wished to return I might +do so; if I wished to remain I might also do so for a certain +time. But during that time the elections in my monastery [11] +would take place and I was told that many of the nuns wished to +lay on me the burden of superiorship. The very thought of this +alone was a great torment to me; for though I was resolved to +undergo readily any kind of martyrdom for God, I could not +persuade myself at all to accept this; for, putting aside the +great trouble it involved,--because the nuns were so many,--and +other reasons, such as that I never wished for it, nor for any +other office,--on the contrary, had always refused them,--it +seemed to me that my conscience would be in great danger; and so +I praised God that I was not then in my convent. I wrote to my +friends and asked them not to vote for me. + +9. When I was rejoicing that I was not in that trouble, our Lord +said to me that I was on no account to keep away; that as I +longed for a cross, there was one ready for me, and that a heavy +one: that I was not to throw it away, but go on with resolution; +He would help me, and I must go at once. I was very much +distressed, and did nothing but weep, because I thought that my +cross was to be the office of prioress; and, as I have just said, +I could not persuade myself that it would be at all good for my +soul--nor could I see any means by which it would be. I told my +confessor of it, and he commanded me to return at once: that to +do so was clearly the most perfect way; and that, because the +heat was very great,--it would be enough if I arrived before the +election,--I might wait a few days, in order that my journey +might do me no harm. + +10. But our Lord had ordered it otherwise. I had to go at once, +because the uneasiness I felt was very great; and I was unable to +pray, and thought I was failing in obedience to the commandments +of our Lord, and that as I was happy and contented where I was, I +would not go to meet trouble. All my service of God there was +lip-service: why did I, having the opportunity of living in +greater perfection, neglect it? If I died on the road, let me +die. Besides, my soul was in great straits, and our Lord had +taken from me all sweetness in prayer. In short, I was in such a +state of torment, that I begged the lady to let me go; for my +confessor, when he saw the plight I was in, had already told me +to go, God having moved him as He had moved me. The lady felt my +departure very much, and that was another pain to bear; for it +had cost her much trouble, and diverse importunities of the +Provincial, to have me in her house. + +11. I considered it a very great thing for her to have given her +consent, when she felt it so much; but, as she was a person who +feared God exceedingly,--and as I told her, among many other +reasons, that my going away tended greatly to His service, and +held out the hope that I might possibly return,--she gave way, +but with much sorrow. I was now not sorry myself at coming away, +for I knew that it was an act of greater perfection, and for the +service of God. So the pleasure I had in pleasing God took away +the pain of quitting that lady,--whom I saw suffering so +keenly,--and others to whom I owed much, particularly my +confessor of the Society of Jesus, in whom I found all I needed. +But the greater the consolations I lost for our Lord's sake, the +greater was my joy in losing them. I could not understand it, +for I had a clear consciousness of these two contrary +feelings--pleasure, consolation, and joy in that which weighed +down my soul with sadness. I was joyful and tranquil, and had +opportunities of spending many hours in prayer; and I saw that I +was going to throw myself into a fire; for our Lord had already +told me that I was going to carry a heavy cross,--though I never +thought it would be so heavy as I afterwards found it to be,--yet +I went forth rejoicing. I was distressed because I had not +already begun the fight, since it was our Lord's will that I +should be in it. Thus His Majesty gave me strength, and +established it in my weakness. [12] + +12. As I have just said, I could not understand how this could +be. I thought of this illustration: if I were possessed of a +jewel, or any other thing which gave me great pleasure, and it +came to my knowledge that a person whom I loved more than myself, +and whose satisfaction I preferred to my own, wished to have it, +it would give me great pleasure to deprive myself of it, because +I would give all I possessed to please that person. Now, as the +pleasure of giving pleasure to that person surpasses any pleasure +I have in that jewel myself, I should not be distressed in giving +away that or anything else I loved, nor at the loss of that +pleasure which the possession of it gave me. So now, though I +wished to feel some distress when I saw that those whom I was +leaving felt my going so much, yet, notwithstanding my naturally +grateful disposition,--which, under other circumstances, would +have been enough to have caused me great pain,--at this time, +though I wished to feel it, I could feel none. + +13. The delay of another day was so serious a matter in the +affairs of this holy house, that I know not how they would have +been settled if I had waited. Oh, God is great! I am often lost +in wonder when I consider and see the special help which His +Majesty gave me towards the establishment of this little cell of +God,--for such I believe it to be,--the lodging wherein His +Majesty delights; for once, when I was in prayer, He told me that +this house was the paradise of his delight. [13] It seems, then, +that His Majesty has chosen these whom he has drawn hither, among +whom I am living very much ashamed of myself. [14] I could not +have even wished for souls such as they are for the purpose of +this house, where enclosure, poverty, and prayer are so strictly +observed; they submit with so much joy and contentment, that +every one of them thinks herself unworthy of the grace of being +received into it,--some of them particularly; for our Lord has +called them out of the vanity and dissipation of the world, in +which, according to its laws, they might have lived contented. +Our Lord has multiplied their joy, so that they see clearly how +He had given them a hundredfold for the one thing they have +left, [15] and for which they cannot thank His Majesty enough. +Others He has advanced from well to better. To the young He +gives courage and knowledge, so that they may desire nothing +else, and also to understand that to live away from all things in +this life is to live in greater peace even here below. To those +who are no longer young, and whose health is weak, He gives--and +has given--the strength to undergo the same austerities and +penance with all the others. + +14. O my Lord! how Thou dost show Thy power! There is no need to +seek reasons for Thy will; for with Thee, against all natural +reason, all things are possible: so that thou teachest clearly +there is no need of anything but of loving Thee [16] in earnest, +and really giving up everything for Thee, in order that Thou, O +my Lord, might make everything easy. It is well said that Thou +feignest to make Thy law difficult: [17] I do not see it, nor do +I feel that the way that leadeth unto Thee is narrow. I see it as +a royal road, and not a pathway; a road upon which whosoever +really enters, travels most securely. No mountain passes and no +cliffs are near it: these are the occasions of sin. I call that a +pass,--a dangerous pass,--and a narrow road, which has on one +side a deep hollow, into which one stumbles, and on the other a +precipice, over which they who are careless fall, and are dashed +to pieces. He who loves Thee, O my God, travels safely by the +open and royal road, far away from the precipice: he has scarcely +stumbled at all, when Thou stretchest forth Thy hand to save him. +One fall--yea, many falls--if he does but love Thee, and not the +things of the world, are not enough to make him perish; he +travels in the valley of humility. I cannot understand what it +is that makes men afraid of the way of perfection. + +15. May our Lord of His mercy make us see what a poor security we +have in the midst of dangers so manifest, when we live like the +rest of the world; and that true security consists in striving to +advance in the way of God! Let us fix our eyes upon Him, and +have no fear that the Sun of justice will ever set, or suffer us +to travel to our ruin by night, unless we first look away from +Him. People are not afraid of living in the midst of lions, +every one of whom seems eager to tear them: I am speaking of +honours, pleasures, and the like joys, as the world calls them: +and herein the devil seems to make us afraid of ghosts. I am +astonished a thousand times, and ten thousand times would I +relieve myself by weeping, and proclaim aloud my own great +blindness and wickedness, if, perchance, it might help in some +measure to open their eyes. May He, who is almighty, of His +goodness open their eyes, and never suffer mine to be +blind again! + + +1. Doña Luisa de la Cerda. + +2. Maria of Jesus was the daughter of a Reporter of Causes in the +Chancery of Granada; but his name and that of his wife are not +known. Maria married, but became a widow soon afterwards. +She then became a novice in the Carmelite monastery in Granada, +and during her noviciate had revelations, like those of +St. Teresa, about a reform of the Order. Her confessor made +light of her revelations, and she then referred them to F. Gaspar +de Salazar, a confessor of St. Teresa, who was then in Granada. +He approved of them, and Maria left the noviciate, and went to +Rome with two holy women of the Order of St. Francis. The three +made the journey on foot, and, moreover, barefooted. Pope Pius +IV. heard her prayer, and, looking at her torn and bleeding feet, +said to her, "Woman of strong courage, let it be as thou wilt." +She returned to Granada, but both the Carmelites and the city +refused her permission to found her house there, and some went so +far as to threaten to have her publicly whipped. Doña Leonor de +Mascareñas gave her a house in Alcala de Henares, of which she +took possession Sept. 11, 1562; but the house was formally +constituted July 23, 1563, and subjected to the Bishop ten days +after (Reforma, i. c. 59; and Don Vicente, vol. i. p. 255). +The latter says that the Chronicler is in error when he asserts +that this monastery of Maria of Jesus was endowed. + +3. The sixth chapter of the rule is: "Nullus fratrum sibi aliquid +proprium, esse dicat, sed sint vobis omnia communia." + +4. See ch. xxxii. § 13. + +5. The Constitutions which the Saint read in the Monastery of the +Incarnation must have been the Constitutions grounded on the +Mitigated Rule which was sanctioned by Eugenius IV. (Romani +Pontificis, A.D. 1432). + +6. See Relation, i. § 10. + +7. F. Pedro Ibañez. + +8. Ch. xi. § 3. + +9. F. Pedro Ibañez. + +10. The house of Doña Luisa, in Toledo. + +11. The monastery of the Incarnation, Avila. + +12. 2 Cor. xii. 9: "Virtus in infirmitate perficitur." + +13. See Way of Perfection, ch. xxii.; but ch. xiii. ed. Doblado. + +14. See Foundations, ch. I, § 1. + +15. St. Matt. xix. 29: "Et omnis qui reliquerit domum . . . +propter nomen Meum, centuplum accipiet, et vitam +æternam possidebit." + +16. When the workmen were busy with the building, a nephew of the +Saint, the child of her sister and Don Juan de Ovalle, was struck +by some falling stones and killed. The workmen took the child to +his mother: and the Saint, then in the house of Doña Guiomar de +Ulloa, was sent for. Doña Guiomar took the dead boy into her +arms, gave him to the Saint, saying that it was a grievous blow +to the father and mother, and that she must obtain his life from +God. The Saint took the body, and, laying it in her lap, ordered +those around her to cease their lamentations, of whom her sister +was naturally the loudest, and be silent. Then, covering her +face and her body with her veil, she prayed to God, and God gave +the child his life again. The little boy soon after ran up to +his aunt and thanked her for what she had done. In after years +the child used to say to the Saint that, as she had deprived him +of the bliss of heaven by bringing him back to life, she was +bound to see that he did not suffer loss. Don Gonzalo died three +years after St. Teresa, when he was twenty-eight years of age +(Reforma, i. c. 42, § 2). + +17. Psalm xciii. 20: "Qui fingis laborem in præcepto." + + + +Chapter XXXVI. + + +The Foundation of the Monastery of St. Joseph. +Persecution and Temptations. Great Interior Trial of the Saint, +and Her Deliverance. + + +1. Having now left that city, [1] I travelled in great joy, +resolved to suffer most willingly whatever our Lord might be +pleased to lay upon me. On the night of my arrival here, [2] +came also from Rome the commission and the Brief for the erection +of the monastery. [3] I was astonished myself, and so were those +who knew how our Lord hastened my coming, when they saw how +necessary it was, and in what a moment our Lord had brought me +back. [4] I found here the Bishop and the holy friar, [5] Peter +of Alcantara, and that nobleman, [6] the great servant of God, in +whose house the holy man was staying; for he was a man who was in +the habit of receiving the servants of God in his house. +These two prevailed on the Bishop to accept the monastery, which +was no small thing, because it was founded in poverty; but he was +so great a lover of those whom he saw determined to serve our +Lord, that he was immediately drawn to give them His protection. +It was the approbation of the holy old man, [7] and the great +trouble he took to make now this one, now that one, help us, that +did the whole work. If I had not come at the moment, as I have +just said, I do not see how it could have been done; for the holy +man was here but a short time,--I think not quite eight +days,--during which he was also ill; and almost immediately +afterwards our Lord took him to Himself. [8] It seems as if His +Majesty reserved him till this affair was ended, because now for +some time--I think for more than two years--he had been very ill. + +2. Everything was done in the utmost secrecy; and if it had not +been so, I do not see how anything could have been done at all; +for the people of the city were against us, as it appeared +afterwards. Our Lord ordained that one of my brothers-in-law [9] +should be ill, and his wife away, and himself in such straits +that my superiors gave me leave to remain with him. +Nothing, therefore, was found out, though some persons had their +suspicions;--still, they did not believe. It was very wonderful, +for his illness lasted only no longer than was necessary for our +affair; and when it was necessary he should recover his health, +that I might be disengaged, and he leave the house empty, our +Lord restored him; and he was astonished at it himself. [10] + +3. I had much trouble in persuading this person and that to allow +the foundation; I had to nurse the sick man, and obtain from the +workmen the hasty preparation of the house, so that it might have +the form of a monastery; but much remained still to be done. +My friend was not here, [11] for we thought it best she should be +away, in order the better to hide our purpose. I saw that +everything depended on haste, for many, reasons, one of which was +that I was afraid I might be ordered back to my monastery at any +moment. I was troubled by so many things, that I suspected my +cross had been sent me, though it seemed but a light one in +comparison with that which I understood our Lord meant me +to carry. + +4. When everything was settled, our Lord was pleased that some of +us should take the habit on St. Bartholomew's Day. The most Holy +Sacrament began to dwell in the house at the same time. [12] +With full sanction and authority, then, our monastery of our most +glorious father St. Joseph was founded in the year 1562. [13] +I was there myself to give the habit, with two nuns [14] of the +house to which we belonged, who happened then to be absent from +it. As the house which thus became a monastery was that of my +brother-in-law--I said before [15] that he had bought it, for the +purpose of concealing our plan--I was there myself with the +permission of my superiors; and I did nothing without the advice +of learned men, in order that I might not break, in a single +point, my vow of obedience. As these persons considered what I +was doing to be most advantageous for the whole Order, on many +accounts, they told me--though I was acting secretly, and taking +care my superiors should know nothing--that I might go on. +If they had told me that there was the slightest imperfection in +the whole matter, I would have given up the founding of a +thousand monasteries,--how much more, then, this one! I am +certain of this; for though I longed to withdraw from everything +more and more, and to follow my rule and vocation in the greatest +perfection and seclusion, yet I wished to do so only +conditionally: for if I should have learnt that it would be for +the greater honour of our Lord to abandon it, I would have done +so, as I did before on one occasion, [16] in all peace +and contentment. + +5. I felt as if I were in bliss, when I saw the most Holy +Sacrament reserved, with four poor orphans, [17]--for they were +received without a dowry,--and great servants of God, established +in the house. It was our aim from the beginning to receive only +those who, by their example, might be the foundation on which we +could build up what we had in view--great perfection and +prayer--and effect a work which I believed to be for the service +of our Lord, and to the honour of the habit of His glorious +Mother. This was my anxiety. It was also a great consolation to +me that I had done that which our Lord had so often commanded me +to do, and that there was one church more in this city dedicated +to my glorious father St. Joseph. Not that I thought I had done +anything myself, for I have never thought so, and do not think so +even now; I always looked upon it as the work of our Lord. +My part in it was so full of imperfections, that I look upon +myself rather as a person in fault than as one to whom any thanks +are due. But it was a great joy to me when I saw His Majesty +make use of me, who am so worthless, as His instrument in so +grand a work. I was therefore in great joy,--so much so, that I +was, as it were, beside myself, lost in prayer. + +6. When all was done--it might have been about three or four +hours afterwards--Satan returned to the spiritual fight against +me, as I shall now relate. He suggested to me that perhaps I had +been wrong in what I had done; perhaps I had failed in my +obedience, in having brought it about without the commandment of +the Provincial. I did certainly think that the Provincial would +be displeased because I had placed the monastery under the +jurisdiction of the Bishop [18] without telling him of it +beforehand; though, as he would not acknowledge the monastery +himself, and as I had not changed mine, it seemed to me that +perhaps he would not care much about the matter. Satan also +suggested whether the nuns would be contented to live in so +strict a house, whether they could always find food, whether I +had not done a silly thing, and what had I to do with it, when I +was already in a monastery? All our Lord had said to me, all the +opinions I had heard, and all the prayers which had been almost +uninterrupted for more than two years, were completely blotted +out of my memory, just as if they had never been. The only thing +I remembered was my own opinion; and every virtue, with faith +itself, was then suspended within me, so that I was without +strength to practise any one of them, or to defend myself against +so many blows. + +7. The devil also would have me ask myself how I could think of +shutting myself up in so strict a house, when I was subject to so +many infirmities; how could I bear so penitential a life, and +leave a house large and pleasant, where I had been always so +happy, and where I had so many friends?--perhaps I might not like +those of the new monastery; I had taken on myself a heavy +obligation, and might possibly end in despair. He also suggested +that perhaps it was he himself who had contrived it, in order to +rob me of my peace and rest, so that, being unable to pray, I +might be disquieted, and so lose my soul. Thoughts of this kind +he put before me; and they were so many, that I could think of +nothing else; and with them came such distress, obscurity, and +darkness of soul as I can never describe. When I found myself in +this state, I went and placed myself before the most Holy +Sacrament, though I could not pray to Him; so great was my +anguish, that I was like one in the agony of death. I could not +make the matter known to any one, because no confessor had as yet +been appointed. + +8. O my God, how wretched is this life! No joy is lasting; +everything is liable to change. Only a moment ago, I do not +think I would have exchanged my joy with any man upon earth; and +the very grounds of that joy so tormented me now, that I knew not +what to do with myself. Oh, if we did but consider carefully the +events of our life, every one of us would learn from experience +how little we ought to make either of its pleasures or of its +pains! Certainly this was, I believe, one of the most +distressing moments I ever passed in all my life; my spirit +seemed to forecast the great sufferings in store for me, though +they never were so heavy as this was, if it had continued. +But our Lord would not let His poor servant suffer, for in all my +troubles He never failed to succour me; so it was now. He gave +me a little light, so that I might see it was the work of the +devil, and might understand the truth,--namely, that it was +nothing else but an attempt on his part to frighten me with his +lies. So I began to call to mind my great resolutions to serve +our Lord, and my desire to suffer for His sake; and I thought +that if I carried them out, I must not seek to be at rest; that +if I had my trials, they would be meritorious; and that if I had +troubles, and endured them in order to please God, it would serve +me for purgatory. What was I, then, afraid of? If I longed for +tribulations, I had them now; and my gain lay in the greatest +opposition. Why, then, did I fail in courage to serve One to +whom I owed so much? + +9. After making these and other reflections, and doing great +violence to myself, I promised before the most Holy Sacrament to +do all in my power to obtain permission to enter this house, and, +if I could do it with a good conscience, to make a vow of +enclosure. When I had done this, the devil fled in a moment, and +left me calm and peaceful, and I have continued so ever since; +and the enclosure, penances, and other rules of this house are to +me, in their observance, so singularly sweet and light, the joy I +have is so exceedingly great, that I am now and then thinking +what on earth I could have chosen which should be more +delightful. I know not whether this may not be the cause of my +being in better health than I was ever before, or whether it be +that our Lord, because it is needful and reasonable that I should +do as all the others do, gives me this comfort of keeping the +whole rule, though with some difficulty. However, all who know +my infirmities, are astonished at my strength. Blessed be He who +giveth it all, and in whose strength I am strong! + +10. Such a contest left me greatly fatigued, and laughing at +Satan; for I saw clearly it was he. As I have never known what +it is to be discontented because I am a nun--no, not for an +instant--during more than twenty-eight years of religion, I +believe that our Lord suffered me to be thus tempted, that I +might understand how great a mercy He had shown me herein, and +from what torment He had delivered me, and that if I saw any one +in like trouble I might not be alarmed at it, but have pity on +her, and be able to console her. + +11. Then, when this was over, I wished to rest myself a little +after our dinner; for during the whole of that night I had +scarcely rested at all, and for some nights previously I had had +much trouble and anxiety, while every day was full of toil; for +the news of what we had done had reached my monastery, and was +spread through the city. There arose a great outcry, for the +reasons I mentioned before, [19] and there was some apparent +ground for it. The prioress [20] sent for me to come to her +immediately. When I received the order, I went at once, leaving +the nuns in great distress. I saw clearly enough that there were +troubles before me; but as the work was really done, I did not +care much for that. I prayed and implored our Lord to help me, +and my father St. Joseph to bring me back to his house. +I offered up to him all I was to suffer, rejoicing greatly that I +had the opportunity of suffering for his honour and of doing him +service. I went persuaded that I should be put in prison at once +but this would have been a great comfort, because I should have +nobody to speak to, and might have some rest and solitude, of +which I was in great need; for so much intercourse with people +had worn me out. + +12. When I came and told the prioress what I had done, she was +softened a little. They all sent for the Provincial, and the +matter was reserved for him. When he came, I was summoned to +judgment, rejoicing greatly at seeing that I had something to +suffer for our Lord. I did not think I had offended against His +Majesty, or against my Order, in anything I had done; on the +contrary, I was striving with all my might to exalt my Order, for +which I would willingly have died,--for my whole desire was that +its rule might be observed in all perfection. I thought of +Christ receiving sentence, and I saw how this of mine would be +less than nothing. I confessed my fault, as if I had been very +much to blame; and so I seemed to every one who did not know all +the reasons. After the Provincial had rebuked me sharply--though +not with the severity which my fault deserved, nor according to +the representations made to him--I would not defend myself, for I +was determined to bear it all; on the contrary, I prayed him to +forgive and punish, and be no longer angry with me. + +13. I saw well enough that they condemned me on some charges of +which I was innocent, for they said I had founded the monastery +that I might be thought much of, and to make myself a name, and +for other reasons of that kind. But on other points I understood +clearly that they were speaking the truth, as when they said that +I was more wicked than the other nuns. They asked, how could I, +who had not kept the rule in that house, think of keeping it in +another of stricter observance? They said I was giving scandal +in the city, and setting up novelties. All this neither troubled +nor distressed me in the least, though I did seem to feel it, +lest I should appear to make light of what they were saying. + +14. At last the Provincial commanded me to explain my conduct +before the nuns, and I had to do it. As I was perfectly calm, +and our Lord helped me, I explained everything in such a way that +neither the Provincial nor those who were present found any +reason to condemn me. Afterwards I spoke more plainly to the +Provincial alone; he was very much satisfied, and promised, if +the new monastery prospered, and the city became quiet, to give +me leave to live in it. Now the outcry in the city was very +great, as I am going to tell. Two or three days after this, the +governor, certain members of the council of the city and of the +Chapter, came together, and resolved that the new monastery +should not be allowed to exist, that it was a visible wrong to +the state, that the most Holy Sacrament should be removed, and +that they would not suffer us to go on with our work. + +15. They assembled all the Orders--that is, two learned men from +each--to give their opinion. Some were silent, others condemned; +in the end, they resolved that the monastery should be broken up. +Only one [21]--he was of the Order of St. Dominic, and objected, +not to the monastery itself, but to the foundation of it in +poverty--said that there was no reason why it should be thus +dissolved, that the matter ought to be well considered, that +there was time enough, that it was the affair of the bishop, with +other things of that kind. This was of great service to us, for +they were angry enough to proceed to its destruction at once, and +it was fortunate they did not. In short, the monastery must +exist; our Lord was pleased to have it, and all of them could do +nothing against His will. They gave their reasons, and showed +their zeal for good, and thus, without offending God, made me +suffer together with all those who were in favour of the +monastery; there were not many, but they suffered much +persecution. The inhabitants were so excited, that they talked +of nothing else; every one condemned me, and hurried to the +Provincial and to my monastery. + +16. I was no more distressed by what they said of me than if they +had said nothing; but I was afraid the monastery would be +destroyed: that was painful; so also was it to see those persons +who helped me lose their credit and suffer so much annoyance. +But as to what was said of myself I was rather glad, and if I had +had any faith I should not have been troubled at all. But a +slight failing in one virtue is enough to put all the others to +sleep. I was therefore extremely distressed during the two days +on which those assemblies of which I have spoken were held. +In the extremity of my trouble, our Lord said to me: "Knowest +thou not that I am the Almighty? what art thou afraid of?" +He made me feel assured that the monastery would not be broken +up, and I was exceedingly comforted. The informations taken were +sent up to the king's council, and an order came back for a +report on the whole matter. + +17. Here was the beginning of a grand lawsuit: the city sent +delegates to the court, and some must be sent also to defend the +monastery: but I had no money, nor did I know what to do. +Our Lord provided for us for the Father Provincial never ordered +me not to meddle in the matter. He is so great a lover of all +that is good, that, though he did not help us, he would not be +against our work. Neither did he authorise me to enter the house +till he saw how it would end. Those servants of God who were in +it were left alone, and did more by their prayers than I did with +all my negotiations, though the affair needed the utmost +attention. Now and then everything seemed to fail; particularly +one day, before the Provincial came, when the prioress ordered me +to meddle no more with it, and to give it up altogether. +I betook myself to God, and said, "O Lord, this house is not +mine; it was founded for Thee; and now that there is no one to +take up the cause, do Thou protect it." I now felt myself in +peace, and as free from anxiety as if the whole world were on my +side in the matter; and at once I looked upon it as safe. [22] + +18. A very great servant of God, and a lover of all perfection, a +priest [23] who had helped me always, went to the court on this +business, and took great pains. That holy nobleman [24] of whom +I have often spoken laboured much on our behalf, and helped us in +every way. He had much trouble and persecution to endure, and I +always found a father in him, and do so still. All those who +helped us, our Lord filled with such fervour as made them +consider our affair as their own, as if their own life and +reputation were at stake; and yet it was nothing to them, except +in so far as it regarded the service of our Lord. His Majesty +visibly helped the priest I have spoken of before, [25] who was +also one of those who gave us great help when the Bishop sent him +as his representative to one of the great meetings. There he +stood alone against all; at last he pacified them by means of +certain propositions, which obtained us a little respite. +But that was not enough; for they were ready to spend their +lives, if they could but destroy the monastery. This servant of +God was he who gave the habit and reserved the most Holy +Sacrament, and he was the object of much persecution. +This attack lasted about six months: to relate in detail the +heavy trials we passed through would be too tedious. + +19. I wondered at what Satan did against a few poor women, and +also how all people thought that merely twelve women, with a +prioress, could be so hurtful to the city,--for they were not to +be more,--I say this to those who opposed us,--and living such +austere lives; for if any harm or error came of it, it would all +fall upon them. Harm to the city there could not be in any way; +and yet the people thought there was so much in it, that they +opposed us with a good conscience. At last they resolved they +would tolerate us if we were endowed, and in consideration of +that would suffer us to remain. I was so distressed at the +trouble of all those who were on our side--more than at my +own--that I thought it would not be amiss, till the people were +pacified, to accept an endowment, but afterwards to resign it. +At other times, too, wicked and imperfect as I am, I thought that +perhaps our Lord wished it to be so, seeing that, without +accepting it, we could not succeed; and so I consented to +the compromise. + +20. The night before the settlement was to be made, I was in +prayer,--the discussion of the terms of it had already +begun,--when our Lord said to me that I must do nothing of the +kind; for if we began with an endowment, they would never allow +us to resign it. He said some other things also. The same +night, the holy friar, Peter of Alcantara, appeared to me. +He was then dead. [26] But he had written to me before his +death--for he knew the great opposition and persecution we had to +bear--that he was glad the foundation was so much spoken against; +it was a sign that our Lord would be exceedingly honoured in the +monastery, seeing that Satan was so earnest against it; and that +I was by no means to consent to an endowment. He urged this upon +me twice or thrice in that letter, and said that if I persisted +in this everything would succeed according to my wish. + +21. At this time I had already seen him twice since his death, +and the great glory he was in, and so I was not afraid,--on the +contrary, I was very glad; for he always appeared as a glorified +body in great happiness, and the vision made me very happy too. +I remember that he told me, the first time I saw him, among other +things, when speaking of the greatness of his joy, that the +penance he had done was a blessed thing for him, in that it had +obtained so great a reward. But, as I think I have spoken of +this before, [27] I will now say no more than that he showed +himself severe on this occasion: he merely said that I was on no +account to accept an endowment, and asked why it was I did not +take his advice. He then disappeared. I remained in +astonishment, and the next day told the nobleman--for I went to +him in all my trouble, as to one who did more than others for us +in the matter,--what had taken place, and charged him not to +consent to the endowment, but to let the lawsuit go on. He was +more firm on this point than I was, and was therefore greatly +pleased; he told me afterwards how much he disliked +the compromise. + +22. After this, another personage--a great servant of God, and +with good intentions--came forward, who, now that the matter was +in good train, advised us to put it in the hands of learned men. +This brought on trouble enough; for some of those who helped me +agreed to do so; and this plot of Satan was one of the most +difficult of all to unravel. Our Lord was my helper throughout. +Writing thus briefly, it is impossible for me to explain what +took place during the two years that passed between the beginning +and the completion of the monastery: the last six months and the +first six months were the most painful. + +23. When at last the city was somewhat calm, the licentiate +father, the Dominican friar [28] who helped us, exerted himself +most skilfully on our behalf. Though not here at the time, our +Lord brought him here at a most convenient moment for our +service, and it seems that His Majesty brought him for that +purpose only. He told me afterwards that he had no reasons for +coming, and that he heard of our affair as if by chance. +He remained here as long as we wanted him, and on going away he +prevailed, by some means, on the Father Provincial to permit me +to enter this house, and to take with me some of the +nuns [29]--such a permission seemed impossible in so short a time +for the performance of the Divine Office--and the training of +those who were in this house: the day of our coming was a most +joyful day for me. [30] + +24. While praying in the church, before I went into the house, +and being as it were in a trance, I saw Christ; who, as it seemed +to me, received me with great affection, placed a crown on my +head, and thanked me for what I had done for His Mother. +On another occasion, when all of us remained in the choir in +prayer after Compline, I saw our Lady in exceeding glory, in a +white mantle, with which she seemed to cover us all. +I understood by that the high degree of glory to which our Lord +would raise the religious of this house. + +25. When we had begun to sing the Office, the people began to +have a great devotion to the monastery; more nuns were received, +and our Lord began to stir up those who had been our greatest +persecutors to become great benefactors, and give alms to us. +In this way they came to approve of what they had condemned; and +so, by degrees, they withdrew from the lawsuit, and would say +that they now felt it to be a work of God, since His Majesty had +been pleased to carry it on in the face of so much opposition. +And now there is not one who thinks that it would have been right +not to have founded the monastery: so they make a point of +furnishing us with alms; for without any asking on our part, +without begging of any one, our Lord moves them to, succour us; +and so we always have what is necessary for us, and I trust in +our Lord it will always be so. [31] As the sisters are few in +number, if they do their duty as our Lord at present by His grace +enables them to do, I am confident that they will always have it, +and that they need not be a burden nor troublesome to anybody; +for our Lord will care for them, as He has hitherto done. + +26. It is the greatest consolation to me to find myself among +those who are so detached. Their occupation is to learn how they +may advance in the service of God. Solitude is their delight; +and the thought of being visited by any one, even of their +nearest kindred, is a trial, unless it helps them to kindle more +and more their love of the Bridegroom. Accordingly, none come to +this house who do not aim at this; otherwise they neither give +nor receive any pleasure from their visits. Their conversation +is of God only; and so he whose conversation is different does +not understand them, and they do not understand him. + +27. We keep the rule of our Lady of Carmel, not the rule of the +Mitigation, but as it was settled by Fr. Hugo, Cardinal of Santa +Sabina, and given in the year 1248, in the fifth year of the +pontificate of Innocent IV., Pope. All the trouble we had to go +through, as it seems to me, will have been endured to +good purpose. + +28. And now, though the rule be somewhat severe,--for we never +eat flesh except in cases of necessity, fast eight months in the +year, and practise some other austerities besides, according to +the primitive rule, [32]--yet the sisters think it light on many +points, and so they have other observances, which we have thought +necessary for the more perfect keeping of it. And I trust in our +Lord that what we have begun will prosper more and more, +according to the promise of His Majesty. + +29. The other house, which the holy woman of whom I spoke +before [33] laboured to establish, has been also blessed of our +Lord, and is founded in Alcala: it did not escape serious +opposition, nor fail to endure many trials. I know that all +duties of religion are observed in it, according to our primitive +rule. Our Lord grant that all may be to the praise and glory of +Himself and of the glorious Virgin Mary, whose habit we +wear. Amen. + +30. I think you must be wearied, my father, by the tedious +history of this monastery; and yet it is most concise, if you +compare it with our labours, and the wonders which our Lord has +wrought here. There are many who can bear witness to this on +oath. I therefore beg of your reverence, for the love of God, +should you think fit to destroy the rest of this my writing, to +preserve that part of it which relates to this monastery, and +give it, when I am dead, to the sisters who may then be living in +it. It will encourage them greatly, who shall come here both to +serve God and to labour, that what has been thus begun may not +fall to decay, but ever grow and thrive, when they see how much +our Lord has done through one so mean and vile as I. As our Lord +has been so particularly gracious to us in the foundation of this +house it seems to me that she will do very wrong, and that she +will be heavily chastised of God, who shall be the first to relax +the perfect observance of the rule, which our Lord has here begun +and countenanced, so that it may be kept with so much sweetness: +it is most evident that the observance of it is easy, and that it +can be kept with ease, by the arrangement made for those who long +to be alone with their Bridegroom Christ, in order to live for +ever in Him. + +31. This is to be the perpetual aim of those who are here, to be +alone with Him alone. They are not to be more in number than +thirteen: I know this number to be the best, for I have had many +opinions about it; and I have seen in my own experience, that to +preserve our spirit, living on alms, without asking of anyone, a +larger number would be inexpedient. May they always believe one +who with much labour, and by the prayers of many people, +accomplished that which must be for the best! That this is most +expedient for us will be seen from the joy and cheerfulness, and +the few troubles, we have all had in the years we have lived in +this house, as well as from the better health than usual of us +all. If any one thinks the rule hard, let her lay the fault on +her want of the true spirit, and not on the rule of the house, +seeing that delicate persons, and those not saints,--because they +have the true spirit,--can bear it all with so much sweetness. +Let others go to another monastery, where they may save their +souls in the way of their own spirit. + + +1. Toledo. + +2. Avila. In the beginning of June, 1562. + +3. See ch. xxxiv. § 2. The Brief was dated Feb. 7, 1562, the +third year of Pius IV. (De la Fuente). + +4. The Brief was addressed to Doña Aldonza de Guzman, and to Doña +Guiomar de Ulloa, her daughter. + +5. Don Alvaro de Mendoza (De la Fuente). + +6. Don Francisco de Salcedo. + +7. St. Peter of Alcantara. "Truly this is the house of +St. Joseph," were the Saint's words when he saw the rising +monastery; "for I see it is the little hospice of Bethlehem" (De +la Fuente). + +8. In less than three months, perhaps; for St. Peter died in the +sixty-third year of his age, Oct. 18, 1562, and in less than +eight weeks after the foundation of the monastery of St. Joseph. + +9. Don Juan de Ovalle. + +10. When he saw that the Saint had made all her arrangements, he +knew the meaning of his illness, and said to her, "It is not +necessary I should be ill any longer" (Ribera, i. c. 8). + +11. Doña Guiomar de Ulloa was now in her native place, +Ciudad Toro. + +12. The Mass was said by Gaspar Daza. See infra, § 18; Reforma, +i. c. xlvi. § 3. + +13. The bell which the Saint had provided for the convent weighed +less than three pounds, and remained in the monastery for a +hundred years, till it was sent, by order of the General, to the +monastery of Pastrana, where the general chapters were held. +There the friars assembled at the sound of the bell, which rang +for the first Mass of the Carmelite Reform (Reforma, +i. c. xlvi. § 1). + +14. They were Doña Ines and Doña Ana de Tapia, cousins of the +Saint. There were present also Don Gonzalo de Aranda, Don +Francisco Salcedo, Julian of Avila, priest; Doña Juana de +Ahumada, the Saint's sister; with her husband, Juan de Ovalle. +The Saint herself retained her own habit, making no change, +because she had not the permission of her superiors (Reforma, +i. c. xlvi. § 2). + +15. Ch. xxxiii. § 13. + +16. Ch. xxxiii. § 3. + +17. The first of these was Antonia de Henao, a penitent of +St. Peter of Alcantara, and who wished to enter a religious house +far away from Avila, her home. St. Peter kept her for +St. Teresa. She was called from this day forth Antonia of the +Holy Ghost. The second was Maria de la Paz, brought up by Doña +Guiomar de Ulloa. Her name was Maria of the Cross. The third +was Ursola de los Santos. She retained her family name as Ursola +of the Saints. It was Gaspar Daza who brought her to the Saint. +The fourth was Maria de Avila, sister of Julian the priest, and +she was called Mary of St. Joseph. It was at this house, too, +that the Saint herself exchanged her ordinary designation of Doña +Teresa de Ahumada for Teresa of Jesus (Reforma, i. c. xlvi. § 2). + +18. See Foundations, ch. ii. § 1, and ch. xxxi, § 1. + +19. Ch. xxxiii. §§ 1, 2. + +20. Of the Incarnation. + +21. F. Domingo Bañes, the great commentator on St. Thomas. +On the margin of the MS., Bañes has with his own hand written: +"This was at the end of August, 1562. I was present, and gave +this opinion. I am writing this in May" (the day of the month is +not legible) "1575, and the mother has now founded nine +monasteries en gran religion" (De la Fuente). At this time Bañes +did not know, and had never seen, the Saint; he undertook her +defence simply because he saw that her intentions were good, and +the means she made use of for founding the monastery lawful, +seeing that she had received the commandment to do so from the +Pope. Bañes testifies thus in the depositions made in Salamanca +in 1591 in the Saint's process. See vol. ii. p. 376 of Don +Vicente's edition. + +22. See Ch. xxxix. § 25. + +23. Gonzalo de Aranda (De la Fuente). + +24. Don Francisco de Salcedo (ibid.). + +25. Ch. xxiii. § 6; Gaspar Daza (ibid.). + +26. He died Oct. 18, 1562. + +27. Ch. xxvii. § 21. + +28. "El Padre Presentado, Dominico. Presentado en algunas +Religiones es cierto titulo de grado que es respeto del Maestro +como Licenciado" (Cobarruvias, in voce Presente). The father was +Fra Pedro Ibañez. See ch. xxxviii. § 15. + +29. From the monastery of the Incarnation. These were Ana of +St. John, Ana of All the Angels, Maria Isabel, and Isabel of +St. Paul. St. Teresa was a simple nun, living under obedience to +the prioress of St. Joseph, Ana of St. John, and intended so to +remain. But the nuns applied to the Bishop of Avila and to the +Provincial of the Order, who, listening to the complaints of the +sisters, compelled the Saint to be their prioress. See Reforma, +i. c. xlix. § 4. + +30. Mid-Lent of 1563. + +31. See Way of Perfection, ch. ii. + +32. "Jejunium singulis diebus, exceptis Dominicis, observetis a +Festo Exaltationis Sanctæ Crucis usque ad diem Dominicæ +Resurrectionis, nisi infirmitas vel debilitas corporis, aut alia +justa causa, jejunium solvi suadeat; quia necessitas non habet +legem. Ab esu carnium abstineatis, nisi pro infirmitatis aut +debilitatis remedio sint sumantur." That is the tenth section of +the rule. + +33. See ch. xxxv. § 1. Maria of Jesus had founded her house in +Alcala de Henares; but the austerities practised in it, and the +absence of the religious mitigations which long experience had +introduced, were too much for the fervent nuns there assembled. +Maria of Jesus begged Doña Leonor de Mascareñas to persuade +St. Teresa to come to Alcala. The Saint went to the monastery, +and was received there with joy, and even entreated to take the +house under her own government (Reforma, ii. c. x. §§ 3, 4). + + + +Chapter XXXVII. + + +The Effects of the Divine Graces in the Soul. The Inestimable +Greatness of One Degree of Glory. + + +1. It is painful to me to recount more of the graces which our +Lord gave me than these already spoken of; and they are so many, +that nobody can believe they were ever given to one so wicked: +but in obedience to our Lord, who has commanded me to do it, [1] +and you, my fathers, I will speak of some of them to His glory. +May it please His Majesty it may be to the profit of some soul! +For if our Lord has been thus gracious to so--miserable a thing +as myself, what will He be to those who shall serve Him truly? +Let all people resolve to please His Majesty, seeing that He +gives such pledges as these even in this life. [2] + +2. In the first place, it must be understood that, in those +graces which God bestows on the soul, there are diverse degrees +of joy: for in some visions the joy and sweetness and comfort of +them so far exceed those of others, that I am amazed at the +different degrees of fruition even in this life; for it happens +that the joy and consolation which God gives in a vision or a +trance are so different, that it seems impossible for the soul to +be able to desire anything more in this world: and, so, in fact, +the soul does not desire, nor would it ask for, a greater joy. +Still, since our Lord has made me understand how great a +difference there is in heaven itself between the fruition of one +and that of another, I see clearly enough that here also, when +our Lord wills, He gives not by measure; [3] and so I wish that I +myself observed no measure in serving His Majesty, and in using +my whole life and strength and health therein; and I would not +have any fault of mine rob me of the slightest degree +of fruition. + +3. And so I say that if I were asked which I preferred, to endure +all the trials of the world until the end of it, and then receive +one slight degree of glory additional, or without any suffering +of any kind to enter into glory of a slightly lower degree, I +would accept--oh, how willingly!--all those trials for one slight +degree of fruition in the contemplation of the greatness of God; +for I know that he who understands Him best, loves Him and +praises Him best. I do not mean that I should not be satisfied, +and consider myself most blessed, to be in heaven, even if I +should be in the lowest place; for as I am one who had that place +in hell, it would be a great mercy of our Lord to admit me at +all; and may it please His Majesty to bring me thither, and take +away His eyes from beholding my grievous sins. What I mean is +this,--if it were in my power, even if it cost me everything, and +our Lord gave me the grace to endure much affliction, I would not +through any fault of mine lose one degree of glory. Ah, wretched +that I am, who by so many faults had forfeited all! + +4. It is also to be observed that, in every vision or revelation +which our Lord in His mercy sent me, a great gain accrued to my +soul, and that in some of the visions this gain was very great. +The vision of Christ left behind an impression of His exceeding +beauty, and it remains with me to this day. One vision alone of +Him is enough to effect this; what, then, must all those visions +have done, which our Lord in His mercy sent me? One exceedingly +great blessing has resulted therefrom, and it is this,--I had one +very grievous fault, which was the source of much evil; namely, +whenever I found anybody well disposed towards myself, and I +liked him, I used to have such an affection for him as compelled +me always to remember and think of him, though I had no intention +of offending God: however, I was pleased to see him, to think of +him and of his good qualities. All this was so hurtful, that it +brought my soul to the very verge of destruction. + +5. But ever since I saw the great beauty [4] of our Lord, I never +saw any one who in comparison with Him seemed even endurable, or +that could occupy my thoughts. For if I but turn mine eyes +inwardly for a moment to the contemplation of the image which I +have within me, I find myself so free, that from that instant +everything I see is loathsome in comparison with the excellences +and graces of which I had a vision in our Lord. Neither is there +any sweetness, nor any kind of pleasure, which I can make any +account of, compared with that which comes from hearing but one +word from His divine mouth. What, then, must it be when I hear +so many? I look upon it as impossible--unless our Lord, for my +sins, should permit the loss of this remembrance--that I should +have the power to occupy myself with anything in such a way as +that I should not instantly recover my liberty by thinking of +our Lord. + +6. This has happened to me with some of my confessors, for I +always have a great affection for those who have the direction of +my soul. As I really saw in them only the representatives of +God, I thought my will was always there where it is most +occupied; and as I felt very safe in the matter, I always showed +myself glad to see them. [5] They, on the other hand, servants +of God, and fearing Him, were afraid that I was attaching and +binding myself too much to them, though in a holy way, and +treated me with rudeness. This took place after I had become so +ready to obey them; for before that time I had no affection +whatever for them. I used to laugh to myself, when I saw how +much they were deceived. Though I was not always putting before +them how little I was attached to anybody, as clearly as I was +convinced of it myself, yet I did assure them of it; and they, in +their further relations with me, acknowledged how much I owed to +our Lord in the matter. These suspicions of me always arose in +the beginning. + +7. My love of, and trust in, our Lord, after I had seen Him in a +vision, began to grow, for my converse with Him was so continual. +I saw that, though He was God, He was man also; that He is not +surprised at the frailties of men, that He understands our +miserable nature, liable to fall continually, because of the +first sin, for the reparation of which He had come. I could +speak to Him as to a friend, though He is my Lord, because I do +not consider Him as one of our earthly Lords, who affect a power +they do not possess, who give audience at fixed hours, and to +whom only certain persons may speak. If a poor man have any +business with these, it will cost him many goings and comings, +and currying favour with others, together with much pain and +labour before he can speak to them. Ah, if such a one has +business with a king! Poor people, not of gentle blood, cannot +approach him, for they must apply to those who are his friends, +and certainly these are not persons who tread the world under +their feet; for they who do this speak the truth, fear nothing, +and ought to fear nothing; they are not courtiers, because it is +not the custom of a court, where they must be silent about those +things they dislike, must not even dare to think about them, lest +they should fall into disgrace. + +8. O King of glory, and Lord of all kings! oh, how Thy kingly +dignity is not hedged about by trifles of this kind! Thy kingdom +is for ever. We do not require chamberlains to introduce us into +Thy presence. The very vision of Thy person shows us at once +that Thou alone art to be called Lord. Thy Majesty is so +manifest that there is no need of a retinue or guard to make us +confess that Thou art King. An earthly king without attendants +would be hardly acknowledged; and though he might wish ever so +much to be recognised, people will not own him when he appears as +others; it is necessary that his dignity should be visible, if +people are to believe in it. This is reason enough why kings +should affect so much state; for if they had none, no one would +respect them; this their semblance of power is not in themselves, +and their authority must come to them from others. + +9. O my Lord! O my King! who can describe Thy Majesty? It is +impossible not to see that Thou art Thyself the great Ruler of +all, that the beholding of Thy Majesty fills men with awe. But I +am filled with greater awe, O my Lord, when I consider Thy +humility, and the love Thou hast for such as I am. We can +converse and speak with Thee about everything whenever we will; +and when we lose our first fear and awe at the vision of Thy +Majesty, we have a greater dread of offending Thee,--not arising +out of the fear of punishment, O my Lord, for that is as nothing +in comparison with the loss of Thee! + +10. Thus far of the blessings of this vision, without speaking of +others, which abide in the soul when it is past. If it be from +God, the fruits thereof show it, when the soul receives light; +for, as I have often said, [6] the will of our Lord is that the +soul should be in darkness, and not see this light. It is, +therefore, nothing to be wondered at that I, knowing myself to be +so wicked as I am, should be afraid. + +11. It is only just now it happened to me to be for eight days in +a state wherein it seemed that I did not, and could not, confess +my obligations to God, or remember His mercies; but my soul was +so stupefied, and occupied with I know not what nor how: not that +I had any bad thoughts; only I was so incapable of good thoughts, +that I was laughing at myself, and even rejoicing to see how mean +a soul can be if God is not always working in it. [7] The soul +sees clearly that God is not away from it in this state, and that +it is not in those great tribulations which I have spoken of as +being occasionally mine. Though it heaps up fuel, and does the +little it can do of itself, it cannot make the fire of the love +of God burn: it is a great mercy that even the smoke is visible, +showing that it is not altogether quenched. Our Lord will return +and kindle it; and until then the soul--though it may lose its +breath in blowing and arranging the fuel--seems to be doing +nothing but putting it out more and more. + +12. I believe that now the best course is to be absolutely +resigned, confessing that we can do nothing, and so apply +ourselves--as I said before [8]--to something else which is +meritorious. Our Lord, it may be, takes away from the soul the +power of praying, that it may betake itself to something else, +and learn by experience how little it can do in its own strength. + +13. It is true I have this day been rejoicing in our Lord, and +have dared to complain of His Majesty. I said unto Him: How is +it, O my God, that it is not enough for Thee to detain me in this +wretched life, and that I should have to bear with it for the +love of Thee, and be willing to live where everything hinders the +fruition of Thee; where, besides, I must eat and sleep, transact +business, and converse with every one, and all for Thy love? how +is it, then,--for Thou well knowest, O my Lord, all this to be +the greatest torment unto me,--that, in the rare moments when I +am with Thee, Thou hidest Thyself from me? How is this +consistent with Thy compassion? How can that love Thou hast for +me endure this? I believe, O Lord, if it were possible for me to +hide myself from Thee, as Thou hidest Thyself from me--I think +and believe so--such is Thy love, that Thou wouldest not endure +it at my hands. But Thou art with me, and seest me always. O my +Lord, I beseech Thee look to this; it must not be; a wrong is +done to one who loves Thee so much. + +14. I happened to utter these words, and others of the same kind, +when I should have been thinking rather how my place in hell was +pleasant in comparison with the place I deserved. But now and +then my love makes me foolish, so that I lose my senses; only it +is with all the sense I have that I make these complaints, and +our Lord bears it all. Blessed be so good a King! + +15. Can we be thus bold with the kings of this world? And yet I +am not surprised that we dare not thus speak to a king, for it is +only reasonable that men should be afraid of him, or even to the +great lords who are his representatives. The world is now come +to such a state, that men's lives ought to be longer than they +are if we are to learn all the new customs and ceremonies of good +breeding, and yet spend any time in the service of God. I bless +myself at the sight of what is going on. The fact is, I did not +know how I was to live when I came into this house. +Any negligence in being much more ceremonious with people than +they deserve is not taken as a jest; on the contrary, they look +upon it as an insult deliberately offered; so that it becomes +necessary for you to satisfy them of your good intentions, if +there happens, as I have said, to have been any negligence; and +even then, God grant they may believe you. + +16. I repeat it,--I certainly did not know how to live; for my +poor soul was worn out. It is told to employ all its thoughts +always on God, and that it is necessary to do so if it would +avoid many dangers. On the other hand, it finds it will not do +to fail in any one point of the world's law, under the penalty of +affronting those who look upon these things as touching their +honour. I was worn out in unceasingly giving satisfaction to +people; for, though I tried my utmost, I could not help failing +in many ways in matters which, as I have said, are not slightly +thought of in the world. + +17. Is it true that in religious houses no explanations are +necessary, for it is only reasonable we should be excused these +observances? Well, that is not so; for there are people who say +that monasteries ought to be courts in politeness and +instruction. I certainly cannot understand it. I thought that +perhaps some saint may have said that they ought to be courts to +teach those who wish to be the courtiers of heaven, and that +these people misunderstood their meaning; for if a man be careful +to please God continually, and to hate the world, as he ought to +do, I do not see how he can be equally careful to please those +who live in the world in these matters which are continually +changing. If they could be learnt once for all, it might be +borne with: but as to the way of addressing letters, there ought +to be a professor's chair founded, from which lectures should be +given, so to speak, teaching us how to do it; for the paper +should on one occasion be left blank in one corner, and on +another in another corner; and a man must be addressed as the +illustrious who was not hitherto addressed as the magnificent. + +18. I know not where this will stop: I am not yet fifty, and yet +I have seen so many changes during my life, that I do not know +how to live. What will they do who are only just born, and who +may live many years? Certainly I am sorry for those spiritual +people who, for certain holy purposes, are obliged to live in the +world; the cross they have to carry is a dreadful one. If they +could all agree together, and make themselves ignorant, and be +willing to be considered so in these sciences, they would set +themselves free from much trouble. But what folly am I about! +from speaking of the greatness of God I am come to speak of the +meanness of the world! Since our Lord has given me the grace to +quit it, I wish to leave it altogether. Let them settle these +matters who maintain these follies with so much labour. +God grant that in the next life, where there is no changing, we +may not have to pay for them! Amen. + + +1. The Saint, having interrupted her account of her interior life +in order to give the history of the foundation of the monastery +of St. Joseph, Avila,--the first house of the Reformed +Carmelites,--here resumes that account broken off at the end of § +10 of ch. xxxii. + +2. Ephes. i. 14: "Pignus hæreditatis nostræ." + +3. St. John iii. 34: "Non enim ad mensuram dat Deus spiritum." + +4. Ch. xxviii. §§ 1-5. + +5. See ch. xl. § 24; Way of Perfection, ch. vii. § 1; but +ch. iv. of the previous editions. + +6. See ch. xx. § 14. + +7. See ch. xxx. § 19. + +8. See ch. xxx. §§ 18, 25. + + + +Chapter XXXVIII. + + +Certain Heavenly Secrets, Visions, and Revelations. The Effects +of Them in Her Soul. + + +1. One night I was so unwell that I thought I might be excused +making my prayer; so I took my rosary, that I might employ myself +in vocal prayer, trying not to be recollected in my +understanding, though outwardly I was recollected, being in my +oratory. These little precautions are of no use when our Lord +will have it otherwise. I remained there but a few moments thus, +when I was rapt in spirit with such violence that I could make no +resistance whatever. It seemed to me that I was taken up to +heaven; and the first persons I saw there were my father and my +mother. I saw other things also; but the time was no longer than +that in which the Ave Maria might be said, and I was amazed at +it, looking on it all as too great a grace for me. But as to the +shortness of the time, it might have been longer, only it was all +done in a very short space. + +2. I was afraid it might be an illusion; but as I did not think +so, I knew not what to do, because I was very much ashamed to go +to my confessor about it. It was not, as it seemed to me, +because I was humble, but because I thought he would laugh at me, +and say: Oh, what a St. Paul!--she sees the things of heaven; or +a St. Jerome. And because these glorious Saints had had such +visions, I was so much the more afraid, and did nothing but cry; +for I did not think it possible for me to see what they saw. +At last, though I felt it exceedingly, I went to my confessor; +for I never dared to keep secret anything of this kind, however +much it distressed me to speak of them, owing to the great fear I +had of being deceived. When my confessor saw how much I was +suffering, he consoled me greatly, and gave me plenty of good +reasons why I should have no fear. + +3. It happened, also, as time went on, and it happens now from +time to time, that our Lord showed me still greater secrets. +The soul, even if it would, has neither the means not the power +to see more than what He shows it; and so, each time, I saw +nothing more than what our Lord was pleased to let me see. +But such was the vision, that the least part of it was enough to +make my soul amazed, and to raise it so high that it esteems and +counts as nothing all the things of this life. I wish I could +describe, in some measure, the smallest portion of what I saw; +but when I think of doing it, I find it impossible; for the mere +difference alone between the light we have here below, and that +which is seen in a vision,--both being light,--is so great, that +there is no comparison between them; the brightness of the sun +itself seems to be something exceedingly loathsome. In a word, +the imagination, however strong it may be, can neither conceive +nor picture to itself this light, nor any one of the things which +our Lord showed me in a joy so supreme that it cannot be +described; for then all the senses exult so deeply and so sweetly +that no description is possible; and so it is better to say +nothing more. + +4. I was in this state once for more than an hour, our Lord +showing me wonderful things. He seemed as if He would not leave +me. He said to me, "See, My daughter, what they lose who are +against Me; do not fail to tell them of it." Ah, my Lord, how +little good my words will do them, who are made blind by their +own conduct, if Thy Majesty will not give them light! Some, to +whom Thou hast given it, there are, who have profited by the +knowledge of Thy greatness; but as they see it revealed to one so +wicked and base as I am, I look upon it as a great thing if there +should be any found to believe me. Blessed be Thy name, and +blessed be Thy compassion; for I can trace, at least in my own +soul, a visible improvement. Afterwards I wished I had continued +in that trance for ever, and that I had not returned to +consciousness, because of an abiding sense of contempt for +everything here below; all seemed to be filth; and I see how +meanly we employ ourselves who are detained on earth. + +5. When I was staying with that lady of whom I have been +speaking, [1] it happened to me once when I was suffering from my +heart,--for, as I have said, [2] I suffered greatly at one time, +though not so much now,--that she, being a person of great +charity, brought out her jewels set in gold, and precious stones +of great price, and particularly a diamond, which she valued very +much. She thought this might amuse me; but I laughed to myself, +and was very sorry to see what men made much of; for I thought of +what our Lord had laid up for us, and considered how impossible +it was for me, even if I made the effort, to have any +appreciation whatever of such things, provided our Lord did not +permit me to forget what He was keeping for us. + +6. A soul in this state attains to a certain freedom, which is so +complete that none can understand it who does not possess it. +It is a real and true detachment, independent of our efforts; God +effects it all Himself; for His Majesty reveals the truth in such +a way, that it remains so deeply impressed on our souls as to +make it clear that we of ourselves could not thus acquire it in +so short a time. + +7. The fear of death, also, was now very slight in me, who had +always been in great dread of it; now it seems to me that death +is a very light thing for one who serves God, because the soul is +in a moment delivered thereby out of its prison, and at rest. +This elevation of the spirit, and the vision of things so high, +in these trances seem to me to have a great likeness to the +flight of the soul from the body, in that it finds itself in a +moment in the possession of these good things. We put aside the +agonies of its dissolution, of which no great account is to be +made; for they who love God in truth, and are utterly detached +from the things of this life, must die with the +greater sweetness. + +8. It seems to me, also, that the rapture was a great help to +recognise our true home, and to see that we are pilgrims +here; [3] it is a great thing to see what is going on there and +to know where we have to live; for if a person has to go and +settle in another country, it is a great help to him, in +undergoing the fatigues of his journey, that he has discovered it +to be a country where he may live in the most perfect peace. +Moreover, it makes it easy for us to think of the things of +heaven, and to have our conversation there. [4] It is a great +gain, because the mere looking up to heaven makes the soul +recollected; for as our Lord has been pleased to reveal heaven in +some degree, my soul dwells upon it in thought; and it happens +occasionally that they who are about me, and with whom I find +consolation, are those whom I know to be living in heaven, and +that I look upon them only as really alive; while those who are +on earth are so dead, that the whole world seems unable to +furnish me with companions, particularly when these impetuosities +of love are upon me. Everything seems a dream, and what I see +with the bodily eyes an illusion. What I have seen with the eyes +of the soul is that which my soul desires; and as it finds itself +far away from those things, that is death. + +9. In a word, it is a very great mercy which our Lord gives to +that soul to which He grants the like visions, for they help it +in much, and also in carrying a heavy cross, since nothing +satisfies it, and everything is against it; and if our Lord did +not now and then suffer these visions to be forgotten, though +they recur again and again to the memory, I know not how life +could be borne. May He be blessed and praised for ever and ever! +I implore His Majesty by that Blood which His Son shed for me, +now that, of His good pleasure, I know something of these great +blessings, and begin to have the fruition of them, that it may +not be with me as it was with Lucifer, who by his own fault +forfeited it all. I beseech Thee, for Thine own sake, not to +suffer this; for I am at times in great fear, though at others, +and most frequently, the mercy of God reassures me, for He who +has delivered me from so many sins will not withdraw His hand +from under me, and let me be lost. I pray you, my father, to beg +this grace for me always. + +10. The mercies, then, hitherto described, are not, in my +opinion, so great as those which I am now going to speak of, on +many accounts, because of the great blessings they have brought +with them, and because of the great fortitude which my soul +derived from them; and yet every one separately considered is so +great, that there is nothing to be compared with them. + +11. One day--it was the eve of Pentecost--I went after Mass to a +very lonely spot, where I used to pray very often, and began to +read about the feast in the book of a Carthusian; [5] and reading +of the marks by which beginners, proficients, and the perfect may +know that they have the Holy Ghost, it seemed to me, when I had +read of these three states, that by the goodness of God, so far +as I could understand, the Holy Ghost was with me. I praised God +for it; and calling to mind how on another occasion, when I read +this, I was very deficient,--for I saw most distinctly at that +time how deficient I was then from what I saw I was now,--I +recognised herein the great mercy of our Lord to me, and so began +to consider the place which my sins had earned for me in hell, +and praised God exceedingly, because it seemed as if I did not +know my own soul again, so great a change had come over it. + +12. While thinking of these things, my soul was carried away with +extreme violence, and I knew not why. It seemed as if it would +have gone forth out of the body, for it could not contain itself, +nor was it able to hope for so great a good. The impetuosity was +so excessive that I had no power left, and, as I think, different +from what I had been used to. I knew not what ailed my soul, nor +what it desired, for it was so changed. I leaned for support, +for I could not sit, because my natural strength had +utterly failed. + +13. Then I saw over my head a dove, very different from those we +usually see, for it had not the same plumage, but wings formed of +small shells shining brightly. It was larger than an ordinary +dove; I thought I heard the rustling of its wings. It hovered +above me during the space of an Ave Maria. But such was the +state of my soul, that in losing itself it lost also the sight of +the dove. My spirit grew calm with such a guest; and yet, as I +think, a grace so wonderful might have disturbed and frightened +it; and as it began to rejoice in the vision, it was delivered +from all fear, and with the joy came peace, my soul continuing +entranced. The joy of this rapture was exceedingly great; and +for the rest of that festal time I was so amazed and bewildered +that I did not know what I was doing, nor how I could have +received so great a grace. I neither heard nor saw anything, so +to speak, because of my great inward joy. From that day forth I +perceived in myself a very great progress in the highest love of +God, together with a great increase in the strength of my +virtues. May He be blessed and praised for ever! Amen. + +14. On another occasion I saw that very dove above the head of +one of the Dominican fathers; but it seemed to me that the rays +and brightness of the wings were far greater. I understood by +this that he was to draw souls unto God. + +15. At another time I saw our Lady putting a cope of exceeding +whiteness on that Licentiate of the same Order, of whom I have +made mention more than once. [6] She told me that she gave him +that cope in consideration of the service he had rendered her by +helping to found this house, [7] that it was a sign that she +would preserve his soul pure for the future, and that he should +not fall into mortal sin. I hold it for certain that so it came +to pass, for he died within a few years; his death and the rest +of his life were so penitential, his whole life and death so +holy, that, so far as anything can be known, there cannot be a +doubt on the subject. One of the friars present at his death +told me that, before he breathed his last, he said to him that +St. Thomas was with him. [8] He died in great joy, longing to +depart out of this land of exile. + +16. Since then he has appeared to me more than once in +exceedingly great glory, and told me certain things. He was so +given to prayer, that when he was dying, and would have +interrupted it if he could because of his great weakness, he was +not able to do so; for he was often in a trance. He wrote to me +not long before he died, and asked me what he was to do; for as +soon as he had said Mass he fell into a trance which lasted a +long time, and which he could not hinder. At last God gave him +the reward of the many services of his whole life. + +17. I had certain visions, too, of the great graces which our +Lord bestowed upon that rector of the Society of Jesus, of whom I +have spoken already more than once; [9] but I will not say +anything of them now, lest I should be too tedious. It was his +lot once to be in great trouble, to suffer great persecution and +distress. One day, when I was hearing Mass, I saw Christ on the +Cross at the elevation of the Host. He spoke certain words to +me, which I was to repeat to that father for his comfort, +together with others, which were to warn him beforehand of what +was coming, and to remind him of what He had suffered on his +behalf, and that he must prepare for suffering. This gave him +great consolation and courage; and everything came to pass +afterwards as our Lord had told me. + +18. I have seen great things of members of the Order to which +this father belongs, which is the Society of Jesus, and of the +whole Order itself; I have occasionally seen them in heaven with +white banners in their hands, and I have had other most wonderful +visions, as I am saying, about them, and therefore have a great +veneration for this Order; for I have had a great deal to do with +those who are of it, and I see that their lives are conformed to +that which our Lord gave me to understand about them. + +19. One night, when I was in prayer, our Lord spoke to me certain +words, whereby He made me remember the great wickedness of my +past life. They filled me with shame and distress; for though +they were not spoken with severity, they caused a feeling and a +painfulness which were too much for me: and we feel that we make +greater progress in the knowledge of ourselves when we hear one +of these words, than we can make by a meditation of many days on +our own misery, because these words impress the truth upon us at +the same time in such a way that we cannot resist it. He set +before me the former inclinations of my will to vanities, and +told me to make much of the desire I now had that my will, which +had been so ill employed, should be fixed on Him, and that He +would accept it. + +20. On other occasions He told me to remember how I used to think +it an honourable thing to go against His honour; and, again, to +remember my debt to Him, for when I was most rebellious He was +bestowing His graces upon me. If I am doing anything wrong--and +my wrong-doings are many--His Majesty makes me see it in such a +way that I am utterly confounded; and as I do so often, that +happens often also. I have been found fault with by my +confessors occasionally; and on betaking myself to prayer for +consolation, have received a real reprimand. + +21. To return to what I was speaking of. When our Lord made me +remember my wicked life, I wept; for as I considered that I had +then never done any good, I thought He might be about to bestow +upon me some special grace; because most frequently, when I +receive any particular mercy from our Lord, it is when I have +been previously greatly humiliated, in order that I may the more +clearly see how far I am from deserving it. I think our Lord +must do it for that end. + +22. Almost immediately after this I was so raised up in spirit +that I thought myself to be, as it were, out of the body; at +least, I did not know that I was living in it. [10] I had a +vision of the most Sacred Humanity in exceeding glory, greater +than I had ever seen It in before. I beheld It in a wonderful +and clear way in the bosom of the Father. I cannot tell how it +was, for I saw myself, without seeing, as it seemed to me, in the +presence of God. My amazement was such that I remained, as I +believe, some days before I could recover myself. I had +continually before me, as present, the Majesty of the Son of God, +though not so distinctly as in the vision. I understood this +well enough; but the vision remained so impressed on my +imagination, that I could not get rid of it for some time, though +it had lasted but a moment; it is a great comfort to me, and also +a great blessing. + +23. I have had this vision on three other occasions, and it is, I +think, the highest vision of all the visions which our Lord in +His mercy showed me. The fruits of it are the very greatest, for +it seems to purify the soul in a wonderful way, and destroy, as +it were utterly, altogether the strength of our sensual nature. +It is a grand flame of fire, which seems to burn up and +annihilate all the desires of this life. For though now--glory +be to God!--I had no desire after vanities, I saw clearly in the +vision how all things are vanity, and how hollow are all the +dignities of earth; it was a great lesson, teaching me to raise +up my desires to the Truth alone. It impresses on the soul a +sense of the presence of God such as I cannot in any way +describe, only it is very different from that which it is in our +own power to acquire on earth. It fills the soul with profound +astonishment at its own daring, and at any one else being able to +dare to offend His most awful Majesty. + +24. I must have spoken now and then of the effects of +visions, [11] and of other matters of the same kind, and I have +already said that the blessings they bring with them are of +various degrees; but those of this vision are the highest of all. +When I went to Communion once I called to mind the exceeding +great majesty of Him I had seen, and considered that it was He +who is present in the most Holy Sacrament, and very often our +Lord was pleased to show Himself to me in the Host; the very +hairs on my head stood, [12] and I thought I should come +to nothing. + +25. O my Lord! ah, if Thou didst not throw a veil over Thy +greatness, who would dare, being so foul and miserable, to come +in contact with Thy great Majesty? Blessed be Thou, O Lord; may +the angels and all creation praise Thee, who orderest all things +according to the measure of our weakness, so that, when we have +the fruition of Thy sovereign mercies, Thy great power may not +terrify us, so that we dare not, being a frail and miserable +race, persevere in that fruition! + +26. It might happen to us as it did to the labourer--I know it to +be a certain fact--who found a treasure beyond his expectations, +which were mean. When he saw himself in possession of it, he was +seized with melancholy, which by degrees brought him to his grave +through simple distress and anxiety of mind, because he did not +know what to do with his treasure. If he had not found it all at +once, and if others had given him portions of it by degrees, +maintaining him thereby, he might have been more happy than he +had been in his poverty, nor would it have cost him his life. + +27. O Thou Treasure of the poor! how marvellously Thou sustainest +souls, showing to them, not all at once, but by little and +little, the abundance of Thy riches! When I behold Thy great +Majesty hidden beneath that which is so slight as the Host is, I +am filled with wonder, ever since that vision, at Thy great +wisdom; and I know not how it is that our Lord gives me the +strength and courage necessary to draw near to him, were it not +that He who has had such compassion on me, and still has, gives +me strength, nor would it be possible for me to be silent, or +refrain from making known marvels so great. + +28. What must be the thoughts of a wretched person such as I am, +full of abominations, and who has spent her life with so little +fear of God, when she draws near to our Lord's great Majesty, at +the moment He is pleased to show Himself to my soul? How can I +open my mouth, that has uttered so many words against Him, to +receive that most glorious Body, purity and compassion itself? +The love that is visible in His most beautiful Face, sweet and +tender, pains and distresses the soul, because it has not served +Him, more than all the terrors of His Majesty. What should have +been my thoughts, then, on those two occasions when I saw what I +have described? Truly, O my Lord and my joy, I am going to say +that in some way, in these great afflictions of my soul, I have +done something in Thy service. Ah! I know not what I am saying, +for I am writing this as if the words were not mine, [13] because +I am troubled, and in some measure beside myself, when I call +these things to remembrance. If these thoughts were really mine, +I might well say that I had done something for Thee, O my Lord; +but as I can have no good thought if Thou givest it not, no +thanks are due to me; I am the debtor, O Lord, and it is Thou who +art the offended One. + +29. Once, when I was going to Communion, I saw with the eyes of +the soul, more distinctly than with those of the body, two devils +of most hideous shape; their horns seemed to encompass the throat +of the poor priest; and I beheld my Lord, in that great majesty +of which I have spoken, [14] held in the hands of that priest, in +the Host he was about to give me. It was plain that those hands +were those of a sinner, and I felt that the soul of that priest +was in mortal sin. What must it be, O my Lord, to look upon Thy +beauty amid shapes so hideous! The two devils were so frightened +and cowed in Thy presence, that they seemed as if they would have +willingly run away, hadst Thou but given them leave. So troubled +was I by the vision, that I knew not how I could go to Communion. +I was also in great fear, for I thought, if the vision was from +God, that His Majesty would not have allowed me to see the evil +state of that soul. [15] + +30. Our Lord Himself told me to pray for that priest; that He had +allowed this in order that I might understand the power of the +words of consecration, and how God failed not to be present, +however wicked the priest might be who uttered them; and that I +might see His great goodness in that He left Himself in the very +hands of His enemy, for my good and for the good of all. +I understood clearly how the priests are under greater +obligations to be holy than other persons; and what a horrible +thing it is to receive this most Holy Sacrament unworthily, and +how great is the devil's dominion over a soul in mortal sin. +It did me a great service, and made me fully understand what I +owe to God. May He be blessed for evermore! + +31. At another time I had a vision of a different kind, which +frightened me very much. I was in a place where a certain person +died, who as I understood had led a very bad life, and that for +many years. But he had been ill for two years, and in some +respects seemed to have reformed. He died without confession; +nevertheless, I did not think he would be damned. When the body +had been wrapped in the winding-sheet, I saw it laid hold of by a +multitude of devils, who seemed to toss it to and fro, and also +to treat it with great cruelty. I was terrified at the sight, +for they dragged it about with great hooks. But when I saw it +carried to the grave with all the respect and ceremoniousness +common to all, I began to think of the goodness of God, who would +not allow that person to be dishonoured, but would have the fact +of his being His enemy concealed. + +32. I was almost out of my senses at the sight. During the whole +of the funeral service, I did not see one of the evil spirits. +Afterwards, when the body was about to be laid in the grave, so +great a multitude of them was therein waiting to receive it, that +I was beside myself at the sight, and it required no slight +courage on my part not to betray my distress. I thought of the +treatment which that soul would receive, when the devils had such +power over the wretched body. Would to God that all who live in +mortal sin might see what I then saw,--it was a fearful sight; it +would go, I believe, a great way towards making them lead +better lives. + +33. All this made me know more of what I owe to God, and of the +evils from which He has delivered me. I was in great terror. +I spoke of it to my confessor, and I thought it might be an +illusion of Satan, in order to take away my good opinion of that +person, who yet was not accounted a very good Christian. +The truth is, that, whether it was an illusion or not, it makes +me afraid whenever I think of it. + +34. Now that I have begun to speak of the visions I had +concerning the dead, I will mention some matters which our Lord +was pleased to reveal to me in relation to certain souls. I will +confine myself to a few for the sake of brevity, and because they +are not necessary; I mean that they are not for our profit. +They told me that one who had been our Provincial--he was then of +another province--was dead. He was a man of great virtue, with +whom I had had a great deal to do, and to whom I was under many +obligations for certain kindnesses shown me. When I heard that +he was dead, I was exceedingly troubled, because I trembled for +his salvation, seeing that he had been superior for twenty years. +That is what I dread very much; for the cure of souls seems to me +to be full of danger. I went to an oratory in great distress, +and gave up to him all the good I had ever done in my whole +life,--it was little enough,--and prayed our Lord that His merits +might fill up what was wanting, in order that this soul might be +delivered up from purgatory. + +35. While I was thus praying to our Lord as well as I could, he +seemed to me to rise up from the depths of the earth on my right +hand, and I saw him ascend to heaven in exceeding great joy. +He was a very old man then, but I saw him as if he were only +thirty years old, and I thought even younger, and there was a +brightness in his face. This vision passed away very quickly; +but I was so exceedingly comforted by it, that I could never +again mourn his death, although many persons were distressed at +it, for he was very much beloved. So greatly comforted was my +soul, that nothing disturbed it, neither could I doubt the truth +of the vision; I mean that it was no illusion. + +36. I had this vision about a fortnight after he was dead; +nevertheless, I did not omit to obtain prayers for him and I +prayed myself, only I could not pray with the same earnestness +that I should have done if I had not seen that vision. For when +our Lord showed him thus to me, it seemed to me afterwards, when +I prayed for him to His Majesty,--and I could not help it,--that +I was like one who gave alms to a rich man. Later on I heard an +account of the death he died in our Lord--he was far away from +here; it was one of such great edification, that he left all +wondering to see how recollected, how penitent, and how humble he +was when he died. + +37. A nun, who was a great servant of God, died in this house. +On the next day one of the sisters was reciting the lesson in the +Office of the Dead, which was said in choir for that nun's soul, +and I was standing myself to assist her in singing the versicle, +when, in the middle of the lesson, I saw the departed nun as I +believe, in a vision; her soul seemed to rise on my right hand +like the soul of the Provincial, and ascend to heaven. +This vision was not imaginary, like the preceding, but like those +others of which I have spoken before; [16] it is not less +certain, however, than the other visions I had. + +38. Another nun died in this same house of mine, she was about +eighteen or twenty years of age, and had always been sickly. +She was a great servant of God, attentive in choir, and a person +of great virtue. I certainly thought that she would not go to +purgatory, on account of her exceeding merits, because the +infirmities under which she had laboured were many. While I was +saying the Office, before she was buried,--she had been dead +about four hours,--I saw her rise in the same place and ascend +to heaven. + +39. I was once in one of the colleges of the Society of Jesus, +and in one of those great sufferings which, as I have said, [17] +I occasionally had, and still have, both in soul and body, and +then so grievously that I was not able, as it seemed to me, to +have even one good thought. The night before, one of the +brothers of that house had died in it; and I, as well as I could, +was commending his soul to God, and hearing the Mass which +another father of that Society was saying for him when I became +recollected at once, and saw him go up to heaven in great glory, +and our Lord with him. I understood that His Majesty went with +him by way of special grace. + +40. Another brother of our Order, a good friar, was very ill; and +when I was at Mass, I became recollected and saw him dead, +entering into heaven without going through purgatory. He died, +as I afterwards learned, at the very time of my vision. I was +amazed that he had not gone to purgatory. I understood that, +having become a friar and carefully kept the rule, the Bulls of +the Order had been of use to him, so that he did not pass into +purgatory. I do not know why I came to have this revealed to me; +I think it must be because I was to learn that it is not enough +for a man to be a friar in his habit--I mean, to wear the +habit--to attain to that state of high perfection which that of a +friar is. + +41. I will speak no more of these things, because as I have just +said, [18] there is no necessity for it, though our Lord has been +so gracious to me as to show me much. But in all the visions I +had, I saw no souls escape purgatory except this Carmelite +father, the holy friar Peter of Alcantara, and that Dominican +father of whom I spoke before. [19] It pleased our Lord to let +me see the degree of glory to which some souls have been raised, +showing them to me in the places they occupy. There is a great +difference between one place and another. + + +1. Ch. xxxiv. Doña Luisa de la Cerda, at Toledo. + +2. Ch. iv. § 6. + +3. 1 St. Peter ii. 11: "Advenas et peregrinos." + +4. Philipp. iii. 20: "Nostra autem conversatio in coelis est." + +5. The Life of Christ, by Ludolf of Saxony. + +6. F. Pedro Ibañez. See ch. xxxiii. § 5, ch. xxxvi. § 23. +"This father died Prior of Trianos," is written on the margin of +the MS. by F. Bañes (De la Fuente). + +7. St. Joseph, Avila, where St. Teresa was living at this time. + +8. See below, § 41. + +9. F. Gaspar de Salazar: see ch. xxxiii. § 9, ch. xxxiv. § 2. +It appears from the 179th letter of the Saint (lett. 20, +vol. i. of the Doblado edition) that F. Salazar was reported to +his Provincial, F. Juan Suarez, as having desire to quit the +Society for the Carmelite Order. + +10. 2 Cor. xii. 2: "Sive in corpore nescio, sive extra +corpus nescio." + +11. See ch. xxviii. + +12. Job iv. 15: "Inhorruerunt pili carnis meæ." + +13. The biographers of the Saint say that she often found, on +returning from an ecstasy, certain passages written, but not by +herself; this seems to be alluded to here (De la Fuente). + +14. § 22. + +15. St. John of the Cross, Ascent of Mount Carmel, +bk. ii. ch. xxvi. vol. i. p. 183. + +16. See ch. xxvii. + +17. Ch. xxx. § 9. + +18. § 34. + +19. § 15. Fr. Pedro Ibañez. + + + +Chapter XXXIX. + + +Other Graces Bestowed on the Saint. The Promises of Our Lord +to Her. Divine Locutions and Visions. + + +1. I was once importuning our Lord exceedingly to restore the +sight of a person who had claims upon me, and who was almost +wholly blind. I was very sorry for him, and afraid our Lord +would not hear me because of my sins. He appeared to me as at +other times, and began to show the wound in His left hand; with +the other He drew out the great nail that was in it, and it +seemed to me that, in drawing the nail, He tore the flesh. +The greatness of the pain was manifest, and I was very much +distressed thereat. He said to me, that He who had borne that +for my sake would still more readily grant what I asked Him, and +that I was not to have any doubts about it. He promised me there +was nothing I should ask that He would not grant; that He knew I +should ask nothing that was not for His glory, and that He would +grant me what I was now praying for. Even during the time when I +did not serve Him, I should find, if I considered it, I had asked +nothing that He had not granted in an ampler manner than I had +known how to ask; how much more amply still would He grant what I +asked for, now that He knew I loved Him! I was not to doubt. +I do not think that eight days passed before our Lord restored +that person to sight. My confessor knew it forthwith. It might +be that it was not owing to my prayer; but, as I had had the +vision, I have a certain conviction that it was a grace accorded +to me. I gave thanks to His Majesty. + +2. Again, a person was exceedingly ill of a most painful disease; +but, as I do not know what it was, I do not describe it by its +name here. What he had gone through for two months was beyond +all endurance; and his pain was so great that he tore his own +flesh. My confessor, the rector of whom I have spoken, [1] went +to see him; he was very sorry for him, and told me that I must +anyhow go myself and visit him; he was one whom I might visit, +for he was my kinsman. I went, and was moved to such a tender +compassion for him that I began, with the utmost importunity, to +ask our Lord to restore him to health. Herein I saw clearly how +gracious our Lord was to me, so far as I could judge; for +immediately, the next day, he was completely rid of that pain. + +3. I was once in the deepest distress, because I knew that a +person to whom I was under great obligations was about to commit +an act highly offensive to God and dishonourable to himself. +He was determined upon it. I was so much harassed by this that I +did not know what to do in order to change his purpose; and it +seemed to me as if nothing could be done. I implored God, from +the bottom of my heart, to find a way to hinder it; but till I +found it I could find no relief for the pain I felt. In my +distress, I went to a very lonely hermitage,--one of those +belonging to this monastery,--in which there is a picture of +Christ bound to the pillar; and there, as I was imploring our +Lord to grant me this grace, I heard a voice of exceeding +gentleness, speaking, as it were, in a whisper. [2] My whole +body trembled, for it made me afraid. I wished to understand +what was said, but I could not, for it all passed away in +a moment. + +4. When my fears had subsided, and that was immediately, I became +conscious of an inward calmness, a joy and delight, which made me +marvel how the mere hearing a voice,--I heard it with my bodily +ears,--without understanding a word, could have such an effect on +the soul. I saw by this that my prayer was granted; and so it +was; and I was freed from my anxieties about a matter not yet +accomplished, as it afterwards was, as completely as if I saw it +done. I told my confessors of it, for I had two at this time, +both of them learned men, and great servants of God. + +5. I knew of a person who had resolved to serve God in all +earnestness, and had for some days given himself to prayer, in +which he bad received many graces from our Lord, but who had +abandoned his good resolutions because of certain occasions of +sin in which he was involved, and which he would not avoid; they +were extremely perilous. This caused me the utmost distress, +because the person was one for whom I had a great affection, and +one to whom I owed much. For more than a month I believe I did +nothing else but pray to God for his conversion. One day, when I +was in prayer, I saw a devil close by in a great rage, tearing to +pieces some paper which he had in his hands. That sight consoled +me greatly, because it seemed that my prayer had been heard. +So it was, as I learnt afterwards; for that person had made his +confession with great contrition, and returned to God so +sincerely, that I trust in His Majesty he will always advance +further and further. May He be blessed for ever! Amen. + +6. In answer to my prayers, our Lord has very often rescued souls +from mortal sins and led others on to greater perfection. But as +to the delivering of souls out of purgatory, and other remarkable +acts, so many are the mercies of our Lord herein, that were I to +speak of them I should only weary myself and my reader. But He +has done more by me for the salvation of souls than for the +health of the body. This is very well known, and there are many +to bear witness to it. + +7. At first it made me scrupulous, because I could not help +thinking that our Lord did these things in answer to my prayer; I +say nothing of the chief reason of all--His pure compassion. But +now these graces are so many, and so well known to others, that +it gives me no pain to think so. I bless His Majesty, and abase +myself, because I am still more deeply in His debt; and I believe +that He makes my desire to serve Him grow, and my love revive. + +8. But what amazes me most is this: however much I may wish to +pray for those graces which our Lord sees not to be expedient, I +cannot do it; and if I try, I do so with little earnestness, +force, and spirit: it is impossible to do more, even if I would. +But it is not so as to those which His Majesty intends to grant. +These I can pray for constantly, and with great importunity; +though I do not carry them in my memory, they seem to present +themselves to me at once. [3] + +9. There is a great difference between these two ways of praying, +and I know not how to explain it. As to the first, when I pray +for those graces which our Lord does not mean to grant,--even +though they concern me very nearly,--I am like one whose tongue +is tied; who, though he would speak, yet cannot; or, if he +speaks, sees that people do not listen to him. And yet I do not +fail to force myself to pray, though not conscious of that +fervour which I have when praying for those graces which our Lord +intends to give. In the second case, I am like one who speaks +clearly and intelligibly to another, whom he sees to be a +willing listener. + +10. The prayer that is not to be heard is, so to speak, like +vocal prayer; the other is a prayer of contemplation so high that +our Lord shows Himself in such a way as to make us feel He hears +us, and that He delights in our prayer, and that He is about to +grant our petition. Blessed be He for ever who gives me so much +and to whom I give so little! For what is he worth, O my Lord, +who does not utterly abase himself to nothing for Thee? How +much, how much, how much,--I might say so a thousand times,--I +fall short of this! It is on this account that I do not wish to +live,--though there be other reasons also,--because I do not live +according to the obligations which bind me to Thee. +What imperfections I trace in myself! what remissness in Thy +service! Certainly, I could wish occasionally I had no sense, +that I might be unconscious of the great evil that is in me. +May He who can do all things help me! + +11. When I was staying in the house of that lady of whom I have +spoken before, [4] it was necessary for me to be very watchful +over myself, and keep continually in mind the intrinsic vanity of +all the things of this life, because of the great esteem I was +held in, and of the praises bestowed on me. There was much there +to which I might have become attached, if I had looked only to +myself; but I looked to Him who sees things as they really are, +not to let me go out of His hand. Now that I speak of seeing +things as they really are, I remember how great a trial it is for +those to whom God has granted a true insight into the things of +earth to have to discuss them with others. They wear so many +disguises, as our Lord once told me,--and much of what I am +saying of them is not from myself, but rather what my Heavenly +Master has taught me; and therefore, in speaking of them, when I +say distinctly I understood this, or our Lord told me this, I am +very scrupulous neither to add nor to take away one single +syllable; so, when I do not clearly remember everything exactly, +that must be taken as coming from myself, and some things, +perhaps, are so altogether. I do not call mine that which is +good, for I know there is no other good in me but only that which +our Lord gave me when I was so far from deserving it: I call that +mine which I speak without having had it made known to me +by revelation. + +12. But, O my God, how is it that we too often judge even +spiritual things, as we do those of the world, by our own +understanding, wresting them grievously from their true meaning? +We think we may measure our progress by the years which we have +given to the exercise of prayer; we even think we can prescribe +limits to Him who bestows His gifts not by measure [5] when He +wills, and who in six months can give to one more than to another +in many years. This is a fact which I have so frequently +observed in many persons, that I am surprised how any of us can +deny it. + +13. I am certainly convinced that he will not remain under this +delusion who possesses the gift of discerning spirits, and to +whom our Lord has given real humility; for such a one will judge +of them by the fruits, by the good resolutions and love,--and our +Lord gives him light to understand the matter; and herein He +regards the progress and advancement of souls, not the years they +may have spent in prayer; for one person may make greater +progress in six months than another in twenty years, because, as +I said before, our Lord gives to whom He will, particularly to +him who is best disposed. + +14. I see this in certain persons of tender years who have come +to this monastery,--God touches their hearts, and gives them a +little light and love. I speak of that brief interval in which +He gives them sweetness in prayer, and then they wait for nothing +further, and make light of every difficulty, forgetting the +necessity even of food; for they shut themselves up for ever in a +house that is unendowed, as persons who make no account of their +life, for His sake, who, they know, loves them. They give up +everything, even their own will; and it never enters into their +mind that they might be discontented in so small a house, and +where enclosure is so strictly observed. They offer themselves +wholly in sacrifice to God. + +15. Oh, how willingly do I admit that they are better than I am! +and how I ought to be ashamed of myself before God! What His +Majesty has not been able to accomplish in me in so many +years,--it is long ago since I began to pray, and He to bestow +His graces upon me,--He accomplished in them in three months, and +in some of them even in three days, though he gives them much +fewer graces than He gave to me: and yet His Majesty rewards them +well; most assuredly they are not sorry for what they have done +for Him. + +16. I wish, therefore, we reminded ourselves of those long years +which have gone by since we made our religious profession. I say +this to those persons, also, who have given themselves long ago +to prayer, but not for the purpose of distressing those who in a +short time have made greater progress than we have made, by +making them retrace their steps, so that they may proceed only as +we do ourselves. We must not desire those who, because of the +graces God has given them, are flying like eagles, to become like +chickens whose feet are tied. Let us rather look to His Majesty, +and give these souls the reins, if we see that they are humble; +for our Lord, who has had such compassion upon them, will not let +them fall into the abyss. + +17. These souls trust themselves in the hands of God, for the +truth, which they learn by faith, helps them to do it; and shall +not we also trust them to Him, without seeking to measure them by +our measure which is that of our meanness of spirit? We must not +do it; for if we cannot ascend to the heights of their great love +and courage,--without experience none can comprehend them--let us +humble ourselves, and not condemn them; for, by this seeming +regard to their progress, we hinder our own, and miss the +opportunity our Lord gives us to humble ourselves, to ascertain +our own shortcomings, and learn how much more detached and more +near to God these souls must be than we are, seeing that His +Majesty draws so near to them Himself. + +18. I have no other intention here, and I wish to have no other, +than to express my preference for the prayer that in a short time +results in these great effects, which show themselves at once; +for it is impossible they should enable us to leave all things +only to please God, if they were not accompanied with a vehement +love. I would rather have that prayer than that which lasted +many years, but which at the end of the time, as well as at the +beginning, never issued in a resolution to do anything for God, +with the exception of some trifling services, like a grain of +salt, without weight or bulk, and which a bird might carry away +in its mouth. Is it not a serious and mortifying thought that we +are making much of certain services which we render our Lord, but +which are too pitiable to be considered, even if they were many +in number? This is my case, and I am forgetting every moment the +mercies of our Lord. I do not mean that His Majesty will not +make much of them Himself, for He is good; but I wish I made no +account of them myself, or even perceived that I did them, for +they are nothing worth. + +19. But, O my Lord, do Thou forgive me, and blame me not, if I +try to console myself a little with the little I do, seeing that +I do not serve Thee at all; for if I rendered Thee any great +services, I should not think of these trifles. Blessed are they +who serve Thee in great deeds; if envying these, and desiring to +do what they do, were of any help to me, I should not be so far +behind them as I am in pleasing Thee; but I am nothing worth, O +my Lord; do Thou make me of some worth, Thou who lovest me +so much. + +20. During one of those days, when this monastery, which seems to +have cost me some labour, was fully founded by the arrival of the +Brief from Rome, which empowered us to live without an +endowment; [6] and I was comforting myself at seeing the whole +affair concluded, and thinking of all the trouble I had had, and +giving thanks to our Lord for having been pleased to make some +use of me,--it happened that I began to consider all that we had +gone through. Well, so it was; in every one of my actions, which +I thought were of some service, I traced so many faults and +imperfections, now and then but little courage, very frequently a +want of faith; for until this moment, when I see everything +accomplished, I never absolutely believed; neither, however, on +the other hand, could I doubt what our Lord said to me about the +foundation of this house. I cannot tell how it was; very often +the matter seemed to me, on the one hand, impossible; and, on the +other hand, I could not be in doubt; I mean, I could not believe +that it would not be accomplished. In short, I find that our +Lord Himself, on His part, did all the good that was done, while +I did all the evil. I therefore ceased to think of the matter, +and wished never to be reminded of it again, lest I should do +myself some harm by dwelling on my many faults. Blessed be He +who, when He pleases, draws good out of all my failings! Amen. + +21. I say, then, there is danger in counting the years we have +given to prayer; for, granting that there is nothing in it +against humility, it seems to me to imply something like an +appearance of thinking that we have merited, in some degree, by +the service rendered. I do not mean that there is no merit in it +at all, nor that it will not be well rewarded; yet if any +spiritual person thinks, because he has given himself to prayer +for many years, that he deserves any spiritual consolations, I am +sure he will never attain to spiritual perfection. Is it not +enough that a man has merited the protection of God, which keeps +him from committing those sins into which he fell before he began +to pray, but he must also, as they say, sue God for His +own money? + +22. This does not seem to me to be deep humility, and yet it may +be that it is; however, I look on it as great boldness, for I, +who have very little humility, have never ventured upon it. +It may be that I never asked for it, because I had never served +Him; perhaps, if I had served Him, I should have been more +importunate than all others with our Lord for my reward. + +23. I do not mean that the soul makes no progress in time, or +that God will not reward it, if its prayer has been humble; but I +do mean that we should forget the number of years we have been +praying, because all that we can do is utterly worthless in +comparison with one drop of blood out of those which our Lord +shed for us. And if the more we serve Him, the more we become +His debtors, what is it, then, we are asking for? for, if we pay +one farthing of the debt, He gives us back a thousand ducats. +For the love of God, let us leave these questions alone, for they +belong to Him. Comparisons are always bad, even in earthly +things; what, then, must they be in that, the knowledge of which +God has reserved to Himself? His Majesty showed this clearly +enough, when those who came late and those who came early to His +vineyard received the same wages. [7] + +24. I have sat down so often to write, and have been so many days +writing these three leaves,--for, as I have said, [8] I had, and +have still, but few opportunities,--that I forgot what I had +begun with, namely, the following vision. [9] + +25. I was in prayer, and saw myself on a wide plain all alone. +Round about me stood a great multitude of all kinds of people, +who hemmed me in on every side; all of them seemed to have +weapons of war in their hands, to hurt me; some had spears, +others swords; some had daggers, and others very long rapiers. +In short, I could not move away in any direction without exposing +myself to the hazard of death, and I was alone, without any one +to take my part. In this my distress of mind, not knowing what +to do, I lifted up my eyes to heaven, and saw Christ, not in +heaven, but high above me in the air, holding out His hand to me, +and there protecting me in such a way that I was no longer afraid +of all that multitude, neither could they, though they wished it, +do me any harm. + +26. At first the vision seemed to have no results; but it has +been of the greatest help to me, since I understood what it +meant. Not long afterwards, I saw myself, as it were, exposed to +the like assault, and I saw that the vision represented the +world, because everything in it takes up arms against the poor +soul. We need not speak of those who are not great servants of +our Lord, nor of honours, possessions, and pleasures, with other +things of the same nature; for it is clear that the soul, if it +be not watchful, will find itself caught in a net,--at least, all +these things labour to ensnare it; more than this, so also do +friends and relatives, and--what frightens me most--even good +people. I found myself afterwards so beset on all sides, good +people thinking they were doing good, and I knowing not how to +defend myself, nor what to do. + +27. O my God, if I were to say in what way, and in how many ways, +I was tried at that time, even after that trial of which I have +just spoken, what a warning I should be giving to men to hate the +whole world utterly! It was the greatest of all the persecutions +I had to undergo. I saw myself occasionally so hemmed in on +every side, that I could do nothing else but lift up my eyes to +heaven, and cry unto God. [10] I recollected well what I had seen +in the vision, and it helped me greatly not to trust much in any +one, for there is no one that can be relied on except God. +In all my great trials, our Lord--He showed it to me--sent always +some one on His part to hold out his hand to help me, as it was +shown to me in the vision, so that I might attach myself to +nothing, but only please our Lord; and this has been enough to +sustain the little virtue I have in desiring to serve Thee: be +Thou blessed for evermore! + +28. On one occasion I was exceedingly disquieted and troubled, +unable to recollect myself, fighting and struggling with my +thoughts, running upon matters which did not relate to +perfection; and, moreover, I did not think I was so detached from +all things as I used to be. When I found myself in this wretched +state, I was afraid that the graces I had received from our Lord +were illusions, and the end was that a great darkness covered my +soul. In this my distress our Lord began to speak to me: He bade +me not to harass myself, but learn, from the consideration of my +misery, what it would be if He withdrew Himself from me, and that +we were never safe while living in the flesh. It was given me to +understand how this fighting and struggling are profitable to us, +because of the reward, and it seemed to me as if our Lord were +sorry for us who live in the world. Moreover, He bade me not to +suppose that He had forgotten me; He would never abandon me, but +it was necessary I should do all that I could myself. + +29. Our Lord said all this with great tenderness and sweetness; +He also spoke other most gracious words, which I need not repeat. +His Majesty, further showing His great love for me, said to me +very often: "Thou art Mine, and I am thine." I am in the habit +of saying myself, and I believe in all sincerity: "What do I care +for myself?--I care only for Thee, O my Lord." + +30. These words of our Lord, and the consolation He gives me, +fill me with the utmost shame, when I remember what I am. I have +said it before, I think, [11] and I still say now and then to my +confessor, that it requires greater courage to receive these +graces than to endure the heaviest trials. When they come, I +forget, as it were, all I have done, and there is nothing before +me but a picture of my wretchedness, and my understanding can +make no reflections; this, also, seems to me at times to +be supernatural. + +31. Sometimes I have such a vehement longing for Communion; I do +not think it can be expressed. One morning it happened to rain +so much as to make it seem impossible to leave the house. When I +had gone out, I was so beside myself with that longing, that if +spears had been pointed at my heart, I should have rushed upon +them; the rain was nothing. When I entered the church I fell +into a deep trance, and saw heaven open--not a door only, as I +used to see at other times. I beheld the throne which, as I have +told you, my father, I saw at other times, with another throne +above it, whereon, though I saw not, I understood by a certain +inexplicable knowledge that the Godhead dwelt. + +32. The throne seemed to me to be supported by certain animals; I +believe I saw the form of them: I thought they might be the +Evangelists. But how the throne was arrayed, and Him who sat on +it I did not see, but only an exceedingly great multitude of +angels, who seemed to me more beautiful, beyond all comparison, +than those I had seen in heaven. I thought they were, perhaps, +the seraphim or cherubim, for they were very different in their +glory, and seemingly all on fire. The difference is great, as I +said before; [12] and the joy I then felt cannot be described, +either in writing or by word of mouth; it is inconceivable to any +one what has not had experience of it. I felt that everything man +can desire was all there together, and I saw nothing; they told +me, but I know not who, that all I could do there was to +understand that I could understand nothing, and see how +everything was nothing in comparison with that. So it was; my +soul afterwards was vexed to see that it could rest on any +created thing: how much more, then, if it had any affection +thereto; for everything seemed to me but an ant-hill. +I communicated, and remained during Mass. I know not how it was: +I thought I had been but a few minutes, and was amazed when the +clock struck; I had been two hours in that trance and joy. + +33. I was afterwards amazed at this fire, which seems to spring +forth out of the true love of God; for though I might long for +it, labour for it, and annihilate myself in the effort to obtain +it, I can do nothing towards procuring a single spark of it +myself, because it all comes of the good pleasure of His Majesty, +as I said on another occasion. [13] It seems to burn up the old +man, with his faults, his lukewarmness, and misery; so that it is +like the phoenix, of which I have read that it comes forth, after +being burnt, out of its own ashes into a new life. Thus it is +with the soul: it is changed into another, whose desires are +different, and whose strength is great. It seems to be no longer +what it was before, and begins to walk renewed in purity in the +ways of our Lord. When I was praying to Him that thus it might +be with me, and that I might begin His service anew, He said to +me: "The comparison thou hast made is good; take care never to +forget it, that thou mayest always labour to advance." + +34. Once, when I was doubting, as I said just now, [14] whether +these visions came from God or not, our Lord appeared, and, with +some severity, said to me: "O children of men, how long will you +remain hard of heart!" I was to examine myself carefully on one +subject,--whether I had given myself up wholly to Him, or not. +If I had,--and it was so,--I was to believe that He would not +suffer me to perish. I was very much afflicted when He spoke +thus, but He turned to me with great tenderness and sweetness, +and bade me not to distress myself, for He knew already that, so +far as it lay in my power, I would not fail in anything that was +for His service; that He Himself would do what I wished,--and so +He did grant what I was then praying for; that I was to consider +my love for Him, which was daily growing in me, for I should see +by this that these visions did not come from Satan; that I must +not imagine that God would ever allow the devil to have so much +power over the souls of His servants as to give them such +clearness of understanding and such peace as I had. + +35. He gave me also to understand that, when such and so many +persons had told me the visions were from God, I should do wrong +if I did not believe them. [15] + +36. Once, when I was reciting the psalm Quicumque vult, [16] I +was given to understand the mystery of One God and Three Persons +with so much clearness, that I was greatly astonished and +consoled at the same time. This was of the greatest help to me, +for it enabled me to know more of the greatness and marvels of +God; and when I think of the most Holy Trinity, or hear It spoken +of, I seem to understand the mystery, and a great joy it is. + +37. One day--it was the Feast of the Assumption of the Queen of +the Angels, and our Lady--our Lord was pleased to grant me this +grace. In a trance He made me behold her going up to heaven, the +joy and solemnity of her reception there, as well as the place +where she now is. To describe it is more than I can do; the joy +that filled my soul at the sight of such great glory was +excessive. The effects of the vision were great; it made me long +to endure still greater trials: and I had a vehement desire to +serve our Lady, because of her great merits. + +38. Once, in one of the colleges of the Society of Jesus, when +the brothers of the house were communicating, I saw an +exceedingly rich canopy above their heads. I saw this twice; but +I never saw it when others were receiving Communion. + + +1. Ch. xxxiii. § 10. F. Gaspar de Salazar. + +2. 3 Kings xix. 12: "Sibilus auræ tenuis." + +3. See St. John of the Cross, Ascent of Mount Carmel, +bk. iii. ch. i, p. 210). + +4. Ch. xxxiv. § 1. + +5. St. John iii. 34: "Non enim ad mensuram dat Deus spiritum." + +6. See ch. xxxiii. § 15. + +7. St. Matt. xx. 9-14: "Volo autem et huic novissimo dare sicut +et tibi." + +8. Ch. xiv. § 12. + +9. The Saint had this vision when she was in the house of Doña +Luisa de la Cerda in Toledo, and it was fulfilled in the +opposition she met with in the foundation of St. Joseph of Avila. +See ch. xxxvi. § 18. + +10. 2 Paralip. xx. 12: "Hoc solum habemus residui, ut oculos +nostros dirigamus ad Te." + +11. Ch. xx. § 4. + +12. Ch. xxix. § 16. + +13. Ch. xxix. § 13. + +14. § 28. + +15. See ch. xxviii. §§ 19, 20. + +16. Commonly called the Creed of St. Athanasius. + + + +Chapter XL. + + +Visions, Revelations, and Locutions. + + +1. One day, in prayer, the sweetness of which was so great that, +knowing how unworthy I was of so great a blessing, I began to +think how much I had deserved to be in that place which I had +seen prepared for me in hell,--for, as I said before, [1] I never +forget the way I saw myself there,--as I was thinking of this, my +soul began to be more and more on fire, and I was carried away in +spirit in a way I cannot describe. It seemed to me as if I had +been absorbed in, and filled with, that grandeur of God which, on +another occasion, I had felt. [2] In that majesty it was given +me to understand one truth, which is the fulness of all truth, +but I cannot tell how, for I saw nothing. It was said to me, I +saw not by whom, but I knew well enough it was the Truth Itself: +"This I am doing to thee is not a slight matter; it is one of +those things for which thou owest Me much; for all the evil in +the world comes from ignorance of the truths of the holy writings +in their clear simplicity, of which not one iota shall pass +away." [3] I thought that I had always believed this, and that +all the faithful also believed it. Then he said,: "Ah, My +daughter, they are few who love Me in truth; for if men loved Me, +I should not hide My secrets from them. Knowest thou what it is +to love Me in truth? It is to admit everything to be a lie which +is not pleasing unto Me. Now thou dost not understand it, but +thou shalt understand it clearly hereafter, in the profit it will +be to thy soul." + +2. Our Lord be praised, so I found it; for after this vision I +look upon everything which does not tend to the service of God as +vanity and lies. I cannot tell how much I am convinced of this, +nor how sorry I am for those whom I see living in darkness, not +knowing the truth. I derived other great blessings also from +this, some of which I will here speak of, others I cannot +describe. + +3. Our Lord at the same time uttered a special word of most +exceeding graciousness. I know not how it was done, for I saw +nothing; but I was filled, in a way which also I cannot describe, +with exceeding strength and earnestness of purpose to observe +with all my might everything contained in the divine writings. +I thought that I could rise above every possible hindrance put in +my way. + +4. Of this divine truth, which was put before me I know not how, +there remains imprinted within me a truth--I cannot give it a +name--which fills me with a new reverence for God; it gives me a +notion of His Majesty and power in a way which I cannot explain. +I can understand that it is something very high. I had a very +great desire never to speak of anything but of those deep truths +which far surpass all that is spoken of here in the world,--and +so the living in it began to be painful to me. + +5. The vision left me in great tenderness, joy, and humility. +It seemed to me, though I knew not how, that our Lord now gave me +great things; and I had no suspicion whatever of any illusion. +I saw nothing; but I understood how great a blessing it is to +make no account of anything which does not lead us nearer unto +God. I also understood what it is for a soul to be walking in +the truth, in the presence of the Truth itself. What I +understood is this: that our Lord gave me to understand that He +is Himself the very Truth. + +6. All this I am speaking of I learnt at times by means of words +uttered; at other times I learnt some things without the help of +words, and that more clearly than those other things which were +told me in words. I understood exceedingly deep truths +concerning the Truth, more than I could have done through the +teaching of many learned men. It seems to me that learned men +never could have thus impressed upon me, nor so clearly explained +to me, the vanity of this world. + +7. The Truth of which I am speaking, and which I was given to +see, is Truth Itself, in Itself. It has neither beginning nor +end. All other truths depend on this Truth, as all other loves +depend on this love, and all other grandeurs on this grandeur. +I understood it all, notwithstanding that my words are obscure in +comparison with that distinctness with which it pleased our Lord +to show it to me. What think you must be the power of His +Majesty, seeing that in so short a time it leaves so great a +blessing and such an impression on the soul? O Grandeur! +Majesty of mine! what is it Thou art doing, O my Lord Almighty! +Consider who it is to whom Thou givest blessings so great! Dost +Thou not remember that this my soul has been an abyss of lies and +a sea of vanities, and all my fault? Though Thou hadst given me +a natural hatred of lying yet I did involve myself in many lying +ways. How is this, O my God? how can it be that mercies and +graces so great should fall to the lot of one who has so ill +deserved them at Thy hands? + +8. Once, when I was with the whole community reciting the Office, +my soul became suddenly recollected, and seemed to me all bright +as a mirror, clear behind, sideways, upwards, and downwards; and +in the centre of it I saw Christ our Lord, as I usually see Him. +It seemed to me that I saw Him distinctly in every part of my +soul, as in a mirror, and at the same time the mirror was all +sculptured--I cannot explain it--in our Lord Himself by a most +loving communication which I can never describe. I know that +this vision was a great blessing to me, and is still whenever I +remember it, particularly after Communion. + +9. I understood by it, that, when a soul is in mortal sin, this +mirror becomes clouded with a thick vapour, and utterly obscured, +so that our Lord is neither visible nor present, though He is +always present in the conservation of its being. In heretics, +the mirror is, as it were, broken in pieces, and that is worse +than being dimmed. There is a very great difference between +seeing this and describing it, for it can hardly be explained. +But it has done me great good; it has also made me very sorry on +account of those times when I dimmed the lustre of my soul by my +sins, so that I could not see our Lord. + +10. This vision seems to me very profitable to recollected +persons, to teach them to look upon our Lord as being in the +innermost part of their soul. It is a method of looking upon Him +which penetrates us more thoroughly, and is much more fruitful, +than that of looking upon Him as external to us, as I have said +elsewhere, [4] and as it is laid down in books on prayer, where +they speak of where we are to seek God. The glorious +St. Augustin, [5] in particular, says so, when he says that +neither in the streets of the city, nor in pleasures, nor in any +place whatever where he sought Him, did he find Him as he found +Him within himself. This is clearly the best way; we need not go +up to heaven, nor any further than our own selves, for that would +only distress the spirit and distract the soul, and bring but +little fruit. + +11. I should like to point out one result of a deep trance; it +may be that some are aware of it. When the time is over during +which the soul was in union, wherein all its powers were wholly +absorbed,--it lasts, as I have said, [6] but a moment,--the soul +continues still to be recollected, unable to recover itself even +in outward things; for the two powers--the memory and the +understanding--are, as it were, in a frenzy, extremely +disordered. This, I say, happens occasionally, particularly in +the beginnings. I am thinking whether it does not result from +this: that our natural weakness cannot endure the vehemence of +the spirit, which is so great, and that the imagination is +enfeebled. I know it to be so with some. I think it best for +these to force themselves to give up prayer at that time, and +resume it afterwards, when they may recover what they have lost, +and not do everything at once, for in that case much harm might +come of it. I know this by experience, as well as the necessity +of considering what our health can bear. + +12. Experience is necessary throughout, so also is a spiritual +director; for when the soul has reached this point, there are +many matters which must be referred to the director. If, after +seeking such a one, the soul cannot find him, our Lord will not +fail that soul, seeing that He has not failed me, who am what I +am: They are not many, I believe, who know by experience so many +things, and without experience it is useless to treat a soul at +all, for nothing will come of it, save only trouble and distress. +But our Lord will take this also into account, and for that +reason it is always best to refer the matter to the director. +I have already more than once said this, [7] and even all I am +saying now, only I do not distinctly remember it; but I do see +that it is of great importance, particularly to women, that they +should go to their confessor, and that he should be a man of +experience herein. There are many more women than men to whom +our Lord gives these graces; I have heard the holy friar Peter of +Alcantara say so, and, indeed, I know it myself. He used to say +that women made greater progress in this way than men did; and he +gave excellent reasons for his opinion, all in favour of women; +but there is no necessity for repeating them here. + +13. Once, when in prayer, I had a vision, for a moment,--I saw +nothing distinctly, but the vision was most clear,--how all +things are seen in God and how all things are comprehended in +Him. I cannot in any way explain it, but the vision remains most +deeply impressed on my soul, and is one of those grand graces +which our Lord wrought in me, and one of those which put me to +the greatest shame and confusion whenever I call my sins to +remembrance. I believe, if it had pleased our Lord that I had +seen this at an earlier time, or if they saw it who sin against +Him, we should have neither the heart nor the daring to do so. +I had the vision, I repeat it, but I cannot say that I saw +anything; however, I must have seen something, seeing that I +explain it by an illustration, only it must have been in a way so +subtile and delicate that the understanding is unable to reach +it, or I am so ignorant in all that relates to these visions, +which seem to be not imaginary. In some of these visions there +must be something imaginary, only, as the powers of the soul are +then in a trance, they are not able afterwards to retain the +forms, as our Lord showed them to it then, and as He would have +it rejoice in them. + +14. Let us suppose the Godhead to be a most brilliant diamond, +much larger than the whole world, or a mirror like that to which +I compared the soul in a former vision, [8] only in a way so high +that I cannot possibly describe it; and that all our actions are +seen in that diamond, which is of such dimensions as to include +everything, because nothing can be beyond it. It was a fearful +thing for me to see, in so short a time, so many things together +in that brilliant diamond, and a most piteous thing too, whenever +I think of it, to see such foul things as my sins present in the +pure brilliancy of that light. + +15. So it is, whenever I remember it, I do not know how to bear +it, and I was then so ashamed of myself that I knew not where to +hide myself. Oh, that some one could make this plain to those +who commit most foul and filthy sins, that they may remember +their sins are not secret, and that God most justly resents them, +seeing that they are wrought in the very presence of His Majesty, +and that we are demeaning ourselves so irreverently before Him! +I saw, too, how completely hell is deserved for only one mortal +sin, and how impossible it is to understand the exceeding great +wickedness of committing it in the sight of majesty so great, and +how abhorrent to His nature such actions are. In this we see +more and more of His mercifulness, who, though we all know His +hatred of sin, yet suffers us to live. + +16. The vision made me also reflect, that if one such vision as +this fills the souls with such awe, what will it be in the day of +judgment, when His Majesty will appear distinctly, and when we +too shall look on the sins we have committed! O my God, I have +been, oh, how blind! I have often been amazed at what I have +written; and you, my father, be you not amazed at anything, but +that I am still living,--I, who see such things, and know myself +to be what I am. Blessed for ever be He who has borne with me +so long! + +17. Once, in prayer, with much recollection, sweetness, and +repose, I saw myself, as it seemed to me, surrounded by angels, +and was close unto God. I began to intercede with His Majesty on +behalf of the church. I was given to understand the great +services which a particular Order would render in the latter +days, and the courage with which its members would maintain +the faith. + +18. I was praying before the most Holy Sacrament one day; I had a +vision of a Saint, whose Order was in some degree fallen. In his +hands he held a large book, which he opened, and then told me to +read certain words, written in large and very legible letters; +they were to this effect: "In times to come this Order will +flourish; it will have many martyrs." [9] + +19. On another occasion, when I was at Matins in choir, six or +seven persons, who seemed to me to be of this Order, appeared and +stood before me with swords in their hands. The meaning of that, +as I think, is that they are to be defenders of the faith; for at +another time, when I was in prayer, I fell into a trance, and +stood in spirit on a wide plain, where many persons were +fighting; and the members of this Order were fighting with great +zeal. Their faces were beautiful, and as it were on fire. +Many they laid low on the ground defeated, others they killed. +It seemed to me to be a battle with heretics. + +20. I have seen this glorious Saint occasionally, and he has told +me certain things, and thanked me for praying for his Order, and +he has promised to pray for me to our Lord. I do not say which +Orders these are,--our Lord, if it so pleased Him, could make +them known,--lest the others should be aggrieved. Let every +Order, or every member of them by himself, labour, that by his +means our Lord would so bless his own Order that it may serve Him +in the present grave necessities of His Church. Blessed are they +whose lives are so spent. + +21. I was once asked by a person to pray God to let him know +whether his acceptance of a bishopric would be for the service of +God. After Communion our Lord said to me: "When he shall have +clearly and really understood that true dominion consists in +possessing nothing, he may then accept it." I understood by this +that he who is to be in dignity must be very far from wishing or +desiring it, or at least he must not seek it. + +22. These and many other graces our Lord has given, and is giving +continually, to me a sinner. I do not think it is necessary to +speak of them, because the state of my soul can be ascertained +from what I have written; so also can the spirit which our Lord +has given me. May He be blessed for ever, who has been so +mindful of me! + +23. Our Lord said to me once, consoling me, that I was not to +distress myself,--this He said most lovingly,--because in this +life we could not continue in the same state. [10] At one time I +should be fervent, at another not; now disquieted, and again at +peace, and tempted; but I must hope in Him, and fear not. + +24. I was one day thinking whether it was a want of detachment in +me to take pleasure in the company of those who had the care of +my soul, and to have an affection for them, and to comfort myself +with those whom I see to be very great servants of God. [11] +Our Lord said to me: "It is not a virtue in a sick man to abstain +from thanking and loving the physician who seems to restore him +to health when he is in danger of death. What should I have done +without these persons? The conversation of good people was never +hurtful; my words should always be weighed, and holy; and I was +not to cease my relations with them, for they would do me good +rather than harm." + +25. This was a great comfort to me, because, now and then, I +wished to abstain from converse with all people; for it seemed to +me that I was attached to them. Always, in all things, did our +Lord console me, even to the showing me how I was to treat those +who were weak, and some other people also. Never did He cease to +take care of me. I am sometimes distressed to see how little I +do in His service, and how I am forced to spend time in taking +care of a body so weak and worthless as mine is, more than +I wish. + +26. I was in prayer one night, when it was time to go to sleep. +I was in very great pain, and my usual sickness was coming +on. [12] I saw myself so great a slave to myself, and, on the +other hand, the spirit asked for time for itself. I was so much +distressed that I began to weep exceedingly, and to be very +sorry. This has happened to me not once only, but, as I am +saying, very often; and it seems to make me weary of myself, so +that at the time I hold myself literally in abhorrence. +Habitually, however, I know that I do not hate myself, and I +never fail to take that which I see to be necessary for me. +May our Lord grant that I do not take more than is necessary!--I +am afraid I do. + +27. When I was thus distressed, our Lord appeared unto me. +He comforted me greatly, and told me I must do this for His love, +and bear it; my life was necessary now. And so, I believe, I +have never known real pain since I resolved to serve my Lord and +my Consoler with all my strength; for though he would leave me to +suffer a little, yet He would console me in such a way that I am +doing nothing when I long for troubles. And it seems to me there +is nothing worth living for but this, and suffering is what I +most heartily pray to God for. I say to Him sometimes, with my +whole heart: "O Lord, either to die or to suffer! I ask of Thee +nothing else for myself." It is a comfort to me to hear the +clock strike, because I seem to have come a little nearer to the +vision of God, in that another hour of my life has passed away. + +28. At other times I am in such a state that I do not feel that I +am living, nor yet do I desire to die but I am lukewarm, and +darkness surrounds me on every side, as I said before; [13] for I +am very often in great trouble. It pleased our Lord that the +graces He wrought in me should be published abroad, [14] as He +told me some years ago they should be. It was a great pain to +me, and I have borne much on that account even to this day, as +you, my father, know, because every man explains them in his own +sense. But my comfort herein is that it is not my fault that +they are become known, for I was extremely cautious never to +speak of them but to my confessors, or to persons who I knew had +heard of them from them. I was silent, however, not out of +humility, but because, as I said before, [15] it gave me great +pain to speak of them even to my confessors. + +29. Now, however,--to God be the glory!--though many speak +against me, but out of a zeal for goodness, and though some are +afraid to speak to me, and even to hear my confession, and though +others have much to say about me, because I see that our Lord +willed by this means to provide help for many souls,--and also +because I see clearly and keep in mind how much He would suffer, +if only for the gaining of one,--I do not care about it at all. + +30. I know not why it is so, but perhaps the reason may in some +measure be that His Majesty has placed me in this corner out of +the way, where the enclosure is so strict, and where I am as one +that is dead. I thought that no one would remember me, but I am +not so much forgotten as I wish I was, for I am forced to speak +to some people. But as I am in a house where none may see me, it +seems as if our Lord had been pleased to bring me to a haven, +which I trust in His Majesty will be secure. Now that I am out +of the world, with companions holy and few in number, I look down +on the world as from a great height, and care very little what +people say or know about me. I think much more of one soul's +advancement, even if it were but slight, than of all that people +may say of me; and since I am settled here it has pleased our +Lord that all my desires tend to this. + +31. He has made my life to me now a kind of sleep; for almost +always what I see seems to me to be seen as in a dream, nor have +I any great sense either of pleasure or of pain. If matters +occur which may occasion either, the sense of it passes away so +quickly that it astonishes me, and leaves an impression as if I +had been dreaming,--and this is the simple truth; for if I wished +afterwards to delight in that pleasure, or be sorry over that +pain, it is not in my power to do so: just as a sensible person +feels neither pain nor pleasure in the memory of a dream that is +past; for now our Lord has roused my soul out of that state +which, because I was not mortified nor dead to the things of this +world, made me feel as I did, and His Majesty does not wish me to +become blind again. + +32. This is the way I live now, my lord and father; do you, my +father, pray to God that He would take me to Himself, or enable +me to serve Him. May it please His Majesty that what I have +written may be of some use to you, my father! I have so little +time, [16] and therefore my trouble has been great in writing; +but it will be a blessed trouble if I have succeeded in saying +anything that will cause one single act of praise to our Lord. +If that were the case, I should look upon myself as sufficiently +rewarded, even if you, my father, burnt at once what I have +written. I would rather it were not burnt before those three saw +it, whom you, my father, know of, because they are, and have +been, my confessors; for if it be bad, it is right they should +lose the good opinion they have of me; and if it be good, they +are good and learned men, and I know they will recognise its +source, and give praise to Him who hath spoken through me. + +33. May His Majesty ever be your protector, and make you so great +a saint that your spirit and light may show the way to me a +miserable creature, so wanting in humility and so bold as to have +ventured to write on subjects so high! May our Lord grant I have +not fallen into any errors in the matter, for I had the intention +and the desire to be accurate and obedient, and also that through +me He might, in some measure, have glory,--because that is what I +have been praying for these many years; and as my good works are +inefficient for that end, I have ventured to put in order this my +disordered life. Still, I have not wasted more time, nor given +it more attention, than was necessary for writing it; yet I have +put down all that has happened to me with all the simplicity and +sincerity possible. + +34. May our Lord, who is all-powerful, grant--and He can if He +will--that I may attain to the doing of His will in all things! +May He never suffer this soul to be lost, which He so often, in +so many ways, and by so many means, has rescued from hell and +drawn unto Himself! Amen. + + +I.H.S. + +The Holy Spirit be ever with you, my father. [17] Amen. +It would not be anything improper if I were to magnify my labour +in writing this, to oblige you to be very careful to recommend me +to our Lord; for indeed I may well do so, considering what I have +gone through in giving this account of myself, and in retracing +my manifold wretchedness. But, still, I can say with truth that +I felt it more difficult to speak of the graces which I have +received from our Lord than to speak of my offences against His +Majesty. You, my father, commanded me to write at length; that +is what I have done, on condition that you will do what you +promised, namely, destroy everything in it that has the +appearance of being wrong. I had not yet read it through after I +had written it, when your reverence sent for it. Some things in +it may not be very clearly explained, and there may be some +repetitions; for the time I could give to it was so short, that I +could not stop to see what I was writing. I entreat your +reverence to correct it and have it copied, if it is to be sent +on to the Father-Master, Avila, [18] for perhaps some one may +recognise the handwriting. I wish very much you would order it +so that he might see it, for I began to write it with a view to +that I shall be greatly comforted if he shall think that I am on +a safe road, now that, so far as it concerns me, there is nothing +more to be done. + +Your reverence will do in all things that which to you shall seem +good, and you will look upon yourself as under an obligation to +take care of one who trusts her soul to your keeping. I will +pray for the soul of your reverence to our Lord, so long as I +live. You will, therefore, be diligent in His service, in order +that you may be able to help me; for your reverence will see by +what I have written how profitable it is to give oneself, as your +reverence has begun to do, wholly unto Him who gives Himself to +us so utterly without measure. + +Blessed be His Majesty for ever! I hope of His mercy we shall +see one another one day, when we, your reverence and myself, +shall see more clearly the great mercies He has shown us, and +when we shall praise Him for ever and ever. Amen. This book was +finished in June, 1562. + + +"This date refers to the first account which the holy Mother +Teresa of Jesus wrote of her life; it was not then divided into +chapters. Afterwards she made this copy, and inserted in it many +things which had taken place subsequent to this date, such as the +foundation of the monastery of St. Joseph of Avila, as in +p. 169. [19]--Fray Do Bañes." + + +1. Ch. xxxii. § 1. + +2. Ch. xxviii. § 14. + +3. St. Matt. v. 18: "Iota unum aut unus apex non præteribit +a lege." + +4. Ch. iv. § 10. + +5. "Ecce quantum spatiatus sum in memoria mea quærens Te, Domine; +et non Te inveni extra eam. . . . Ex quo didici Te, manes in +memoria mea, et illic Te invenio cum reminiscor Tui et delector +in Te" (Confess. x. 24). See Inner Fortress, Sixth Mansion, +ch. iv. + +6. Ch. xx. § 26. + +7. Ch. xxv. § 18, ch. xxvi. § 4. See St. John of the Cross, +Mount Carmel, bk. ii. ch. xxii. + +8. § 8. + +9. Yepez says that the Order here spoken of is the Carmelite, and +Ribera understands the Saint to refer to that of St. Dominic. +The Bollandists, n. 1638-1646, on the whole, prefer the authority +of Ribera to that of Yepez and give good reasons for their +preference, setting aside as insufficient the testimony of Fray +Luis of the Assumption, who says he heard himself from the +Venerable Anne of St. Bartholomew that the Order in question is +the Order of our Lady of Mount Carmel. Don Vicente, the Spanish +editor, rejects the opinion of Ribera, on the ground that it +could not have been truly said of the Dominicans in the sixteenth +century that the Order was in "some degree fallen," for it was in +a most flourishing state. He therefore was inclined to believe +that the Saint referred to the Augustinians or to the +Franciscans. But, after he had printed this part of his book, he +discovered among the MSS. in the public library of Madrid a +letter of Anne of St. Bartholomew, addressed to Fray Luis of the +Assumption, in which the saintly companion of St. Teresa says +that the "Order was ours." Don Vicente has published the letter +in the Appendix, p. 566. + +10. Job xiv. 2: "Nunquam in eodem statu permanet." + +11. See ch. xxxvii. §§ 4, 6. + +12. See ch. vii. § 18. + +13. Ch. xxx. § 10. + +14. Ch. xxxi. §§ 16, 17. + +15. Ch. xxviii. § 6. + +16. See ch. xiv. § 12. + +17. This letter, which seems to have accompanied the "Life," is +printed among the other letters of the Saint, and is addressed to +her confessor, the Dominican friar, Pedro Ibañez. It is the +fifteenth letter in the first volume of the edition of Madrid; +but it is not dated there. + +18. Juan de Avila, commonly called the Apostle of Andalusia. + +19. I.e. of the MS. See p. 337 [Transcriber's note: +ch. xxxvi. § 15] of this translation. + + + + + +The +Relations or Manifestations +of Her +Spiritual State +Which +St. Teresa Submitted to Her Confessors. + + + + +The Relations. + + +Relation 1. + + +Sent to St. Peter of Alcantara in 1560 from the Monastery of the +Incarnation, Avila. [1] + + +1. The method of prayer I observe at present is this: when I am +in prayer, it is very rarely that I can use the understanding, +because the soul becomes at once recollected, remains in repose, +or falls into a trance, so that I cannot in any way have the use +of the faculties and the senses,--so much so, that the hearing +alone is left; but then it does not help me to +understand anything. + +2. It often happens, when I am not even thinking of the things of +God, but engaged in other matters, and when prayer seems to be +beyond my power, whatever efforts I might make, because of the +great aridity I am in, bodily pains contributing thereto, that +this recollection or elevation of spirit comes upon me so +suddenly that I cannot withstand it, and the fruits and blessings +it brings with it are in a moment mine: and this, without my +having had a vision, or heard anything, or knowing where I am, +except that when the soul seems to be lost I see it make great +progress, which I could not have made if I had laboured for a +whole year, so great is my gain. + +3. At other times certain excessive impetuosities occur, +accompanied with a certain fainting away of the soul for God, so +that I have no control over myself; [2] my life seems to have +come to an end, and so it makes me cry out and call upon God; and +this comes upon me with great vehemence. Sometimes I cannot +remain sitting, so great is the oppression of the heart; and this +pain comes on without my doing anything to cause it, and the +nature of it is such that my soul would be glad never to be +without it while I live. And the longings I have are longings +not to live; and they come on because it seems as if I must live +on without being able to find any relief, for relief comes from +the vision of God, which comes by death, and death is what I +cannot take; and with all this my soul thinks that all except +itself are filled with consolations, and that all find help in +their troubles, but not itself. The distress thus occasioned is +so intense that, if our Lord did not relieve it by throwing it +into a trance, whereby all is made calm, and the soul rests in +great quiet and is satisfied, now by seeing something of that +which it desires, now by hearing other things, it would seem to +be impossible for it to be delivered from this pain. + +4. At other times there come upon me certain desires to serve +God, with a vehemence so great that I cannot describe it, and +accompanied with a certain pain at seeing how unprofitable I am. +It seems to me then that there is nothing in the world, neither +death, nor martyrdom, that I could not easily endure. +This conviction, too, is not the result of any reflection, but +comes in a moment. I am wholly changed, and I know not whence +cometh such great courage. I think I should live to raise my +voice, and publish to all the world how important it is for men +not to be satisfied with the common way, and how great the good +is that God will give us if we prepare ourselves to receive it. +I say it again, these desires are such that I am melted away in +myself, for I seem to desire what I cannot have. The body seems +to me to hold me in prison, through its inability to serve God +and my state [3] in anything; for if it were not for the body, I +might do very great things, so far as my strength would allow; +and thus, because I see myself without any power whatever to +serve God, I feel this pain in a way wholly indescribable; the +issue is delight, recollection, and the consolation of God. + +5. Again, it has happened, when these longings to serve Him come +upon me, that I wish to do penance, but I am not able. It would +be a great relief to me, and it does relieve and cheer me, though +what I do is almost nothing, because of my bodily weakness; and +yet, if I were to give way to these my longings, I believe I +should observe no moderation. + +6. Sometimes, if I have to speak to any one, I am greatly +distressed, and I suffer so much that it makes me weep +abundantly; for my whole desire is to be alone, and solitude +comforts me, though at times I neither pray nor read, and +conversation--particularly of kindred and connections--seems +oppressive, and myself to be as a slave, except when I speak to +those whose conversation is of prayer and matters of the +soul,--in these I find comfort and joy; [4] yet these +occasionally are too much for me, and I would rather not see +them, but go where I might be alone: though this is not often the +case, for those especially who direct my conscience always +console me. + +7. At other times it gives me much pain that I must eat and +sleep, and that I see I cannot forego these things, being less +able to do so than any one. I submit that I may serve God, and +thus I offer up those actions to him. Time seems to me too +short, and that I have not enough for my prayer, for I should +never be tired of being alone. I am always wishing I had time +for reading, for I have been always fond of reading. I read very +little, for when I take up a book I become recollected through +the pleasure it gives me, and thus my reading is turned into +prayer: and it is but rarely, for I have many occupations; and +though they are good, they do not give me the pleasure which +reading would give. And thus I am always wishing for more time, +and everything becomes disagreeable, so I believe, because I see +I cannot do what I wish and desire. + +8. All these desires, with an increase in virtue, have been given +me by our Lord since He raised me to this prayer of quiet, and +sent these raptures. I find myself so improved that I look on +myself as being a mass of perdition before this. These raptures +and visions leave me in possession of the blessings I shall now +speak of; and I maintain that, if there be any good in me, they +are the occasions of it. + +9. I have made a very strong resolution never to offend God, not +even venially. I would rather die a thousand deaths than do +anything of the kind knowingly. I am resolved never to leave +undone anything I may consider to be the more perfect, or more +for the honour of our Lord, if he who has the care of my soul and +directs me tells me I may do it. Cost me what pain it might, I +would not leave such an act undone for all the treasure of the +world. If I were to do so, I do not think I could have the face +to ask anything of God our Lord, or to make my prayer; and yet, +for all this, I have many faults and imperfections. I am +obedient to my confessor, [5] though imperfectly; but if I know +that he wishes or commands anything, I would not leave that +undone, so far as I understand it; if I did so, I should think +myself under a grievous delusion. + +10. I have a longing for poverty, though not free from +imperfection; however, I believe, if I had wealth, I would not +reserve any revenue, nor hoard money for myself, nor do I care +for it; I wish to have only what is necessary. Nevertheless, I +feel that I am very defective in this virtue; for, though I +desire nothing for myself, I should like to have something to +give away: still, I desire no revenue, nor anything +for myself. [6] + +11. In almost all the visions I have had, I have found good, if +it be not a delusion of Satan; herein I submit myself to the +judgment of my confessors. + +12. As to fine and beautiful things, such as water, fields, +perfume, music, etc., I think I would rather not have them, so +great is the difference between them and what I am in the habit +of seeing, and so all pleasure in them is gone from me. [7] +Hence it is that I care not for them, unless it be at the first +sight: they never make any further impression; to me they seem +but dirt. + +13. If I speak or converse with people in the world--for I cannot +help it--even about prayer, and if the conversation be long, +though to pass away the time, I am under great constraint if it +be not necessary, for it gives me much pain. + +14. Amusements, of which I used to be fond, and worldly things, +are all disagreeable to me now, and I cannot look at them. + +15. The longings, which I said I have, [8] of loving and serving +and seeing God, are not helped by any reflections, as formerly, +when I thought I was very devout, and shed many tears; but they +flow out of a certain fire and heat so excessive that, I repeat +it, if God did not relieve them by throwing me into a trance, +wherein the soul seems to find itself satisfied, I believe my +life would come to an end at once. + +16. When I see persons making great progress, and thus resolved, +detached, and courageous, I love them much; and I should like to +have my conversation with such persons, and I think they help me +on. People who are afraid, and seemingly cautious in those +things, the doing of which is perfectly reasonable here, seem to +vex me, and drive me to pray to God and the saints to make them +undertake such things as these which now frighten us. Not that I +am good for anything myself, but because I believe that God helps +those who, for His sake, apply themselves to great things, and +that He never abandons any one who puts his trust in Him only. +And I should like to find any one who would help me to believe +so, and to be without thought about food and raiment, but leave +it all in the hands of God. [9] + +17. This leaving in the hands of God the supply of all I need is +not to be understood as excluding all labour on my part, but +merely solicitude--I mean, the solicitude of care. And since I +have attained to this liberty, it goes well with me, and I labour +to forget myself as much as I can. I do not think it is a year +ago since our Lord gave me this liberty. + +18. Vainglory [10]--glory, be to God!--so far as I know, there is +no reason why I should have any; for I see plainly that in these +things which God sends me I have no part myself; on the contrary, +God makes me conscious of my own wretchedness; for whatever +reflections I might be able to make, I could never come to the +knowledge of such deep truths as I attain to in a single rapture. + +19. When I speak of these things a few days after, they seem to +me as if they had happened to another person. Previously, I +thought it a wrong to me that they should be known to others; but +I see now that I am not therefore any the better, but rather +worse, seeing that I make so little progress after receiving +mercies so great. And certainly, in every way, it seems to me +that there was not in the world anybody worse than myself; and so +the virtues of others seem to me much more meritorious than mine, +and that I do nothing myself but receive graces, and that God +must give to others at once all that He is now giving unto me; +and I pray Him not to reward me in this life; and so I believe +that God has led me along this way because I am weak and wicked. + +20. When I am in prayer, and even almost always when I am able to +reflect at all, I cannot, even if I tried, pray to God for rest, +or desire it; for I see that His life was one of suffering, and +that I ask Him to send me, giving me first the grace to bear it. + +21. Everything of this kind, and of the highest perfection, seems +to make so deep an impression on me in prayer, that I am amazed +at the sight of truths so great and so clear that the things of +the world seem to be folly; and so it is necessary for me to take +pains to reflect on the way I demeaned myself formerly in the +things of the world, for it seems to me folly to feel for deaths +and the troubles of the world,--at least, that sorrow for, or +love of, kindred and friends should last long. I say I have to +take pains when I am considering what I was, and what I used to +feel. + +22. If I see people do anything which clearly seems to be sin, I +cannot make up my mind that they have offended God; and if I +dwell upon this at all,--which happens rarely or never,--I never +can make up my mind, though I see it plainly enough. It seems to +me that everybody is as anxious to serve God as I am. And herein +God has been very gracious unto me, for I never dwell on an evil +deed, to remember it afterwards and if I do remember it, I see +some virtue or other in that person. In this way these things +never weary me, except generally: but heresies do; they distress +me very often, and almost always when I think of them they seem +to me to be the only trouble which should be felt. And also I +feel, when I see people who used to give themselves to prayer +fall away; this gives me pain, but not much, because I strive not +to dwell upon it. + +23. I find, also, that I am improved in the matter of that +excessive neatness which I was wont to observe, [11] though not +wholly delivered from it. I do not discern that I am always +mortified in this; sometimes, however, I do. + +24. All this I have described, together with a very constant +dwelling in thought on God, is the ordinary state of my soul, so +far as I can understand it. And if I must be busy about +something else, without my seeking it, as I said before, [12] I +know not who makes me awake,--and this not always, only when I am +busy with things of importance; and such--glory be to God!--only +at intervals demand my attention, and do not occupy me at +all times. + +25. For some days--they are not many, however--for three, or +four, or five, all my good and fervent thoughts, and my visions, +seem to be withdrawn, yea, even forgotten, so that, if I were to +seek for it, I know of no good that can ever have been in me. It +seems to have been all a dream, or, at least, I can call nothing +to mind. Bodily pains at the same time distress me. +My understanding is troubled, so that I cannot think at all about +God, neither do I know under what law I live. If I read +anything, I do not understand it; I seem to be full of faults, +and without any resolution whatever to practise virtue; and the +great resolution I used to have is come to this, that I seem to +be unable to resist the least temptation or slander of the world. +It suggests itself to me then that I am good for nothing, if any +one would have me undertake more than the common duties. I give +way to sadness, thinking I have deceived all those who trusted me +at all. I should like to hide myself where nobody could see me; +but my desire for solitude arises from want of courage, not from +love of virtue. It seems to me that I should like to dispute +with all who contradict me; I am under the influence of these +impressions, only God has been so gracious unto me, that I do not +offend more frequently than I was wont to do, nor do I ask Him to +deliver me from them, but only, if it be His will I should always +suffer thus, to keep me from offending Him; and I submit myself +to His will with my whole heart, and I see that it is a very +great grace bestowed upon me that He does not keep me constantly +in this state. + +26. One thing astonishes me; it is that, while I am in this +state, through a single word of those I am in the habit of +hearing, or a single vision, or a little self-recollection, +lasting but an Ave Maria, or through my drawing near to +communicate, I find my soul and body so calm, so sound, the +understanding so clear, and myself possessing all the strength +and all the good desires I usually have. And this I have had +experience of very often--at least when I go to Communion; it is +more than six months ago that I felt a clear improvement in my +bodily health, [13] and that occasionally brought about through +raptures, and I find it last sometimes more than three hours, at +other times I am much stronger for a whole day; and I do not +think it is fancy, for I have considered the matter, and +reflected on it. Accordingly, when I am thus recollected, I fear +no illness. The truth is, that when I pray, as I was accustomed +to do before, I feel no improvement. + +27. All these things of which I am speaking make me believe that +it comes from God; for when I see what I once was, that I was in +the way of being lost, and that soon, my soul certainly is +astonished at these things, without knowing whence these virtues +came to me; I did not know myself, and saw that all was a gift, +and not the fruit of my labours. I understand in all +truthfulness and sincerity, and see that I am not deluded, that +it has been not only the means of drawing me to God in His +service, but of saving me also from hell. This my confessors +know, who have heard my general confession. + +28. Also, when I see any one who knows anything about me, I wish +to let him know my whole life, [14] because my honour seems to me +to consist in the honour of our Lord, and I care for nothing +else. This He knows well, or I am very blind; for neither +honour, nor life, nor praise, nor good either of body or of soul, +can interest me, nor do I seek or desire any advantage, only His +glory. I cannot believe that Satan has sought so many means of +making my soul advance, in order to lose it after all. I do not +hold him to be so foolish. Nor can I believe it of God, though I +have deserved to fall into delusions because of my sins, that He +has left unheeded so many prayers of so many good people for two +years, and I do nothing else but ask everybody to pray to our +Lord that He would show me if this be for His glory, or lead me +by another way. [15] I do not believe that these things would +have been permitted by His Majesty to be always going on if they +were not His work. These considerations, and the reasons of so +many saintly men, give me courage when I am under the pressure of +fear that they are not from God, I being so wicked myself. +But when I am in prayer, and during those days when I am in +repose, and my thoughts fixed on God, if all the learned and holy +men in the world came together and put me to, all conceivable +tortures, and I, too, desirous of agreeing with them, they could +not make me believe that this is the work of Satan, for I cannot. +And when they would have had me believe it, I was afraid, seeing +who it was that said so; and I thought that they must be saying +what was true, and that I, being what I was, must have been +deluded. But all they had said to me was destroyed by the first +word, or recollection, or vision that came, and I was able to +resist no longer, and believed it was from God. [16] + +29. However, I can think that Satan now and then may intermeddle +here, and so it is, as I have seen and said; but he produces +different results, nor can he, as it seems to me, deceive any one +possessed of any experience. Nevertheless, I say that, though I +do certainly believe this to be from God, I would never do +anything, for any consideration whatever, that is not judged by +him who has the charge of my soul to be for the better service of +our Lord, and I never had any intention but to obey without +concealing anything, for that is my duty. I am very often +rebuked for my faults, and that in such a way as to pierce me to +the very quick; and I am warned when there is, or when there may +be, any danger in what I am doing. These rebukes and warnings +have done me much good, in often reminding me of my former sins, +which make me exceedingly sorry. + +30. I have been very long, but this is the truth,--that, when I +rise from my prayer, I see that I have received blessings which +seem too briefly described. Afterwards I fall into many +imperfections, and am unprofitable and very wicked. And perhaps +I have no perception of what is good, but am deluded; still, the +difference in my life is notorious, and compels me to think over +all I have said--I mean, that which I verily believe I have felt. +These are the perfections which I feel our Lord has wrought in +me, who am so wicked and so imperfect. I refer it all to your +judgment, my father, for you know the whole state of my soul. + + +1. Fra Anton. a Sancto Joseph, in his notes on this Relation, +usually published among the letters of the Saint, ed. Doblado, +vol. ii. letter 11, says it was written for St. Peter of +Alcantara when he came to Avila in 1560, at the time when the +Saint was so severely tried by her confessors and the others who +examined her spirit, and were convinced that her prayer was a +delusion of Satan: see the Life, ch. xxv. § 18. The following +notes were discovered among the papers of the Saint in the +monastery of the Incarnation, and are supposed to refer to this +Relation. The Chronicler of the Order, Fra Francis a Sancta +Maria, is inclined to the belief that they were written by +St. Peter of Alcantara, to whom the Relation is addressed, and +the more so because Ribera does not claim them for any member of +the Society, notwithstanding the reference to them in §§ 22, 28. + +"1. The end God has in view is the drawing a soul to himself; +that of the devil is the withdrawing it from God. Our Lord never +does anything whereby anyone may be separated from Him, and the +devil does nothing whereby any one may be made to draw near unto +God. All the visions and the other operations in the soul of +this person draw her nearer unto God, and make her more humble +and obedient. + +"2. It is the teaching of St. Thomas that an angel of light may +be recognised by the peace and quietness he leaves in the soul. +She is never visited in this way, but she afterwards abides in +peace and joy; so much so, that all the pleasures of earth +together are not comparable to one of these visitations. + +"3. She never commits a fault, nor falls into an imperfection, +without being instantly rebuked by Him who speaks interiorly +to her. + +"4. She has never prayed for nor wished for them: all she wishes +for is to do the will of God our Lord in all things. + +"5. Everything herein is consistent with the Scriptures and the +teaching of the Church, and most true, according to the most +rigorous principles of scholastic theology. + +"6. This soul is most pure and sincere, with the most fervent +desires of being pleasing unto God, and of trampling on every +earthly thing. + +"7. She has been told that whatever she shall ask of God, being +good, she shall have. She has asked much, and things not +convenient to put on paper lest it should be wearisome; all of +which our Lord has granted. + +"8. When these operations are from God, they are always directed +to the good of the recipient, to that of the community, or of +some other. That she has profited by them she knows by +experience, and she knows it, too, of other persons also. + +"9. No one converses with her, if he be not in evil dispositions, +who is not moved thereby to devotion, even though she says +nothing about it. + +"10. She is growing daily in the perfection of virtues, and +learns by these things the way of a higher perfection. And thus, +during the whole time in which she had visions, she was making +progress, according to the doctrine of St. Thomas. + +"11. The spirit that speaks to her soul never tells her anything +in the way of news, or what is unbecoming, but only that which +tends to edification. + +"12. She has been told of some persons that they were full of +devils: but this was for the purpose of enabling her to +understand the state of a soul which has sinned mortally against +our Lord. + +"13. The devil's method is, when he attempts to deceive a soul, +to advise that soul never to speak of what he says to it; but the +spirit that speaks to this soul warns her to be open with learned +men, servants of our Lord, and that the devil may deceive her if +she should conceal anything through shame. + +"14. So great is the progress of her soul in this way, and the +edification she ministers in the good example given, that more +than forty nuns in her monastery practise great recollection. + +"15. These supernatural things occur after long praying, when she +is absorbed in God, on fire with His love, or at Communion. + +"16. They kindle in her a most earnest desire to be on the right +road, and to escape the delusions of Satan. + +"17. They are in her the cause of the deepest humility; she +understands that what she receives comes to her from the hand of +our Lord, and how little worth she is herself. + +"18. When they are withheld, anything that occurs is wont to pain +and distress her; but when she is in this state, she remembers +nothing; all she is conscious of is a great longing for +suffering, and so great is it that she is amazed at it. + +"19. They are to her sources of joy and consolation in her +troubles, when people speak ill of her, and in her +infirmities--and she has fearful pains about the heart, +sicknesses, and many other afflictions, all of which leave her +when she has these visions. + +"20. With all this, she undergoes great penances, fasting, the +discipline, and mortifications. + +"21. All that on earth may give her any pleasure, and her trials, +which are many, she bears with equal tranquillity of mind, +without losing the peace and quiet of her soul. + +"22. Her resolution never to offend our Lord is so earnest that +she has made a vow never to leave undone what she knows herself, +or is told by those who understand the matter better, to be the +more perfect. And though she holds the members of the Society to +be saints, and believes that our Lord made use of them to bestow +on her graces so great, she told me that, if she knew it would be +more perfect to have nothing more to do with them, she would +never speak to them again, nor see them, notwithstanding the fact +that it was through them that her mind had been quieted and +directed in these things. + +"23. The sweetnesses she commonly receives, her sense of God, her +languishing with love, are certainly marvellous, and through +these she is wont to be enraptured the whole day long. + +"24. She frequently falls into a trance when she hears God spoken +of with devotion and earnestness, and cannot resist the rapture, +do what she can; and in that state her appearance is such that +she excites very great devotion. + +"25. She cannot bear to be directed by any one who will not tell +her of her faults, and rebuke her; all that she accepts with +great humility. + +"26. Moreover, she cannot endure people who are in a state of +perfection, if they do not labour to become perfect, according to +the spirit of their rule. + +"27. She is most detached from her kindred, has no desire to +converse with people, and loves solitude. She has a great +devotion to the saints, and on their feasts, and on the days on +which the Church celebrates the mysteries of the faith, is filled +with most fervent affections for our Lord. + +"28. If all the members of the Society, and all the servants of +God upon earth, tell her that her state is an effect of the +operations of Satan, or were to say so, she is in fear and +trembling before the visions occur; but as soon as she is in +prayer, and recollected, she cannot be persuaded, were they to +tear her into a thousand pieces, that it is any other than God +who is working in her and speaking to her. + +"29. God has given her a most wonderfully strong and valiant +spirit: she was once timid; now she tramples on all the evil +spirits. She has put far away from herself all the littleness +and silliness of women; she is singularly free from scruples, and +most sincere. + +"30. Besides, our Lord has given her the gift of most sweet +tears, great compassion for her neighbours, the knowledge of her +own faults, a great reverence for good people, and +self-abasement; and I am certain that she has done good to many, +of whom I am one. + +"31. She is continually reminding herself of God, and has a sense +of His presence. All the locutions have been verified, and every +one of them accomplished; and this is a very great test. + +"32. Her visions are a source of great clearness in her +understanding, and an admirable illumination in the things +of God. + +"33. It was said to her that she should lead those who were +trying her spirit to look into the Scriptures, and that they +would not find that any soul desirous of pleasing God had been so +long deceived." + +2. See Life, ch. xxix. §§ 9-13. + +3. De la Fuente thinks she means the religious state. + +4. See Life, ch. xxiv. § 8, and ch. xxxi. § 22. + +5. See Life, ch. xxiii. § 19. + +6. See Life, ch. xxxv. § 2. + +7. See Life, ch. ix. § 6, and ch. xiv. § 7. + +8. See § 3, above. + +9. St. Matt. vi. 31: "Nolite ergo solliciti esse, dicentes: Quid +manducabimus. . . . aut quo operiemur?" + +10. See Life, ch. vii. § 2. + +11. See Life, ch. ii. § 2. + +12. § 2, above. + +13. See Life, ch. xx. § 29. + +14. See Life, ch. xxxi. § 17. + +15. See Life, ch. xxv. § 20. + +16. See Life, ch. xxv. §§ 18, 22. + + + +Relation II. + + +To One of Her Confessors, from the House of Doña Luisa de la Cerda, +in 1562. [1] + + +Jesus. + +I think it is more than a year since this was written; God has +all this time protected me with His hand, so that I have not +become worse; on the contrary, I see a great change for the +better in all I have to say: may He be praised for it all! + +1. The visions and revelations have not ceased, but they are of a +much higher kind. Our Lord has taught me a way of prayer, +wherein I find myself far more advanced, more detached from the +things of this life, more courageous, and more free. [2] I fall +into a trance more frequently, for these ecstasies at times come +upon me with great violence, and in such a way as to be outwardly +visible, I having no power to resist them; and even when I am +with others--for they come in such a way as admits of no +disguising them, unless it be by letting people suppose that, as +I am subject to disease of the heart, they are fainting-fits; I +take great pains, however, to resist them when they are coming +on--sometimes I cannot do it. + +2. As to poverty, God seems to have wrought great things in me; +for I would willingly be without even what is necessary, unless +given me as an alms; and therefore my longing is extreme that I +may be in such a state as to depend on alms alone for my food. +It seems to me that to live, when I am certain of food and +raiment without fail, is not so complete an observance of my vow +or of the counsel of Christ as it would be to live where no +revenue is possessed, and I should be in want at times; and as to +the blessings that come with true poverty, they seem to me to be +great, and I would not miss them. Many times do I find myself +with such great faith, that I do not think God will ever fail +those who serve Him, and without any doubt whatever that there +is, or can be, any time in which His words are not fulfilled: I +cannot persuade myself to the contrary, nor can I have any fear; +and so, when they advise me to accept an endowment, I feel it +keenly, and betake myself unto God. + +3. I think I am much more compassionate towards the poor than I +used to be, having a great pity for them and a desire to help +them; for if I regarded only my good will, I should give them +even the habit I wear. I am not fastidious with respect to them, +even if I had to do with them or touched them with my hands,--and +this I now see is a gift of God; for though I used to give alms +for His love, I had no natural compassion. I am conscious of a +distinct improvement herein. + +4. As to the evil speaking directed against me,--which is +considerable, and highly injurious to me, and done by many,--I +find myself herein also very much the better. I think that what +they say makes scarcely any more impression upon me than it would +upon an idiot. I think at times, and nearly always, that it is +just. I feel it so little that I see nothing in it that I might +offer to God, as I learn by experience that my soul gains greatly +thereby; on the contrary, the evil speaking seems to be a favour. +And thus, the first time I go to prayer, I have no ill-feeling +against them; the first time I hear it, it creates in me a little +resistance, but it neither disturbs nor moves me; on the +contrary, when I see others occasionally disturbed, I am sorry +for them. So it is, I put myself out of the question; for all +the wrongs of this life seem to me so light, that it is not +possible to feel them, because I imagine myself to be dreaming, +and see that all this will be nothing when I awake. + +5. God is giving me more earnest desires, a greater love of +solitude, a much greater detachment, as I said, with the visions; +by these He has made me know what all that is, even if I gave up +all the friends I have, both men and women and kindred. This is +the least part of it: my kindred are rather a very great +weariness to me; I leave them in all freedom and joy, provided it +be to render the least service unto God; and thus on every side I +find peace. + +6. Certain things, about which I have been warned in prayer, have +been perfectly verified. Thus, considering the graces received +from God, I find myself very much better; but, considering my +service to Him in return, I am exceedingly worthless, for I have +received greater consolation than I have given, though sometimes +that gives me grievous pain. My penance is very scanty, the +respect shown me great, much against my own will very often. [3] +However in a word, I see that I live an easy, not a penitential, +life; God help me, as He can! + +7. It is now nine months, more or less, since I wrote this with +mine own hand; since then I have not turned my back on the graces +which God has given me; I think I have received, so far as I can +see, a much greater liberty of late. Hitherto I thought I had +need of others, and I had more reliance on worldly helps. Now I +clearly understand that all men are bunches of dried rosemary, +and that there is no safety in leaning on them, for if they are +pressed by contradictions or evil speaking they break down. +And so I know by experience that the only way not to fall is to +cling to the cross, and put our trust in Him who was nailed +thereto. I find Him a real Friend, and with Him I find myself +endowed with such might that, God never failing me, I think I +should be able to withstand the whole world if it were +against me. + +8. Having a clear knowledge of this truth, I used to be very fond +of being loved by others; now I do not care for that, yea, +rather, their love seems to weary me in some measure, excepting +theirs who take care of my soul, or theirs to whom I think I do +good. Of the former I wish to be loved, in order that they may +bear with me; and of the latter, that they may be more inclined +to believe me when I tell them that all is vanity. + +9. In the very grievous trials, persecutions, and contradictions +of these months, [4] God gave me great courage; and the more +grievous they were, the greater the courage, without weariness in +suffering. Not only had I no ill-feeling against those who spoke +evil of me, but I had, I believe, conceived a deeper affection +for them. I know not how it was; certainly it was a gift from +the hand of our Lord. + +10. When I desire anything, I am accustomed naturally to desire +it with some vehemence; now my desires are so calm, that I do not +even feel that I am pleased when I see them fulfilled. Sorrow and +joy, excepting in that which relates to prayer, are so moderated, +that I seem to be without sense, and in that state I remain for +some days. + +11. The vehement longings to do penance which come, and have +come, upon me are great; and if I do any penance, I feel it to be +so slight in comparison with that longing, that I regard it +sometimes, and almost always, as a special consolation; however, +I do but little, because of my great weakness. + +12. It is a very great pain to me very often, and at this moment +most grievous, that I must take food, particularly if I am in +prayer. It must be very great, for it makes me weep much, and +speak the language of affliction, almost without being aware of +it, and that is what I am not in the habit of doing, for I do not +remember that I ever did so in the very heaviest trials of my +life: I am not a woman in these things, for I have a hard heart. + +13. I feel in myself a very earnest desire, more so than usual, +that God may find those who will serve Him, particularly learned +men, in all detachment, and who will not cleave to anything of +this world, for I see it is all a mockery; for when I see the +great needs of the Church, I look upon it as a mockery to be +distressed about aught else. I do nothing but pray to God for +such men, because I see that one person, who is wholly perfect in +the true fervour of the love of God, will do more good than many +who are lukewarm. + +14. In matters concerning the faith, my courage seems to me much +greater. I think I could go forth alone by myself against the +Lutherans, and convince them of their errors. I feel very keenly +the loss of so many souls. I see many persons making great +progress; I see clearly it was the pleasure of God that such +progress should have been helped by me; and I perceive that my +soul, of His goodness, grows daily more and more in His love. + +15. I think I could not be led away by vainglory, even if I +seriously tried, and I do not see how I could imagine any one of +my virtues to be mine, for it is not long since I was for many +years without any at all; and now so far as I am concerned, I do +nothing but receive graces, without rendering any service in +return, being the most worthless creature in the world. And so +it is that I consider at times how all, except myself, make +progress; I am good for nothing in myself. This is not humility +only, but the simple truth; and the knowledge of my being so +worthless makes me sometimes think with fear that I must be under +some delusion. Thus I see clearly that all my gain has come +through the revelations and the raptures, in which I am nothing +myself, and do no more to effect them than the canvas does for +the picture painted on it. This makes me feel secure and be at +rest; and I place myself in the hands of God, and trust my +desires; for I know for certain that my desires are to die for +Him, and to lose all ease, and that whatever may happen. + +16. There are days wherein I remember times without number the +words of St. Paul, [5]--though certainly they are not true of +me,--that I have neither life, nor speech, nor will of my own, +but that there is One in me by whom I am directed and made +strong; and I am, as it were, beside myself, and thus life is a +very grievous burden to me. And the greatest oblation I make to +God, as the highest service on my part, is that I, when I feel it +so painfully to be absent from Him, am willing to live on for the +love of Him. I would have my life also full of great +tribulations and persecutions; now that I am unprofitable, I +should like to suffer; and I would endure all the tribulations in +the world to gain ever so little more merit--I mean, by a more +perfect doing of His will. + +17. Everything that I have learnt in prayer, though it may be two +years previously, I have seen fulfilled. What I see and +understand of the grandeurs of God, and of the way He has shown +them, is so high, that I scarcely ever begin to think of them but +my understanding fails me,--for I am as one that sees things far +higher than I can understand,--and I become recollected. + +18. God so keeps me from offending Him, that I am verily amazed +at times. I think I discern the great care He takes of me, +without my taking scarcely any care at all, being as I was, +before these things happened to me, a sea of wickedness and sins, +and without a thought that I was mistress enough of myself to +leave them undone. And the reason why I would have this known is +that the great power of God might be made manifest. Unto Him be +praise for ever and ever! Amen. + + +Jesus. + +This Relation here set forth, not in my handwriting, is one that +I gave to my confessor, and which he with his own hand copied, +without adding or diminishing a word. He was a most spiritual +man and a theologian: I discussed the state of my soul with him, +and he with other learned men, among whom was Father Mancio. [6] +They found nothing in it that is not in perfect agreement with +the holy writings. This makes me calm now, though, while God is +leading me by this way, I feel that it is necessary for me to put +no trust whatever in myself. And so I have always done, though +it is painful enough. You, my father, will be careful that all +this goes under the seal of confession, according to my request. + + +1. Addressed, it is believed, to her confessor, F. Pedro Ibañez. +This Relation corresponds with ch. xxxiv. of the Life (De +la Fuente). + +2. See Life, ch. xxvii. + +3. See Life, ch. xxxi. § 15. + +4. The Saint is supposed to refer to the troubles she endured +during the foundation of the monastery of St. Joseph. + +5. Gal. ii. 20: "Vivo autem, jam non ego; vivit vero in +me Christus." + +6. A celebrated Dominican, professor of theology in +Salamanca (Bouix). + + + +Relation III. + + +Of Various Graces Granted to the Saint from the Year 1568 to +1571 Inclusive. + + +1. When I was in the monastery of Toledo, and some people were +advising me not to allow any but noble persons to be buried +there, [1] our Lord said to me: "Thou wilt be very inconsistent, +My daughter, if thou regardest the laws of the world. Look at +Me, poor and despised of men: are the great people of the world +likely to be great in My eyes? or is it descent or virtue that is +to make you esteemed?" + +2. After Communion, the second day of Lent, in St. Joseph of +Malagon, our Lord Jesus Christ appeared to me in an imaginary +vision, as He is I wont to do; and when I was looking upon Him I +saw that He had on His head, instead of the crown of thorns, a +crown of great splendour, over the part where the wounds of that +crown must have been. And as I have a great devotion to the +crowning with thorns, I was exceedingly consoled, and began to +think how great the pain must have been because of the many +wounds, and to be sorrowful. Our Lord told me not to be sad +because of those wounds, but for the many wounds which men +inflict upon Him now. I asked Him what I could do by way of +reparation; for I was resolved to do anything. He replied: "This +is not the time for rest;" that I must hasten on the foundations, +for He would take His rest with the souls which entered the +monasteries; that I must admit all who offered themselves, +because there were many souls that did not serve Him because they +had no place wherein to do it; that those monasteries which were +to be founded in small towns should be like this; that the merit +of those in them would be as great, if they only desired to do +that which was done in the other houses; that I must contrive to +put them all under the jurisdiction of one superior, [2] and take +care that anxieties about means of bodily maintenance did not +destroy interior peace, for He would help us, so that we should +never be in want of food. Especial care was to be had of the +sick sisters; the prioress who did not provide for and comfort +the sick was like the friends of Job: He sent them sickness for +the good of their souls, and careless superiors risked the +patience of their nuns. I was to write the history of the +foundation of the monasteries. I was thinking how there was +nothing to write about in reference to the foundation of Medina, +when He asked me, what more did I want to see than that the +foundation there was miraculous? By this He meant to say that He +alone had done it, when it seemed impossible. [3] I resolved to +execute His commands. + +3. Our Lord told me something I was to tell another, and as I was +considering how I did not understand it at all,--though I prayed +to Him, and was thinking it might be from Satan,--He said to me +that it was not, and that He Himself would warn me when the +time came. + +4. Once, when I was thinking how much more purely they live who +withdraw themselves from all business, and how ill it goes with +me, and how many faults I must be guilty of, when I have business +to transact, I heard this: "It cannot be otherwise, My daughter; +but strive thou always after a good intention in all things, and +detachment; lift up thine eyes to Me, and see that all thine +actions may resemble Mine." + +5. Thinking how it was that I scarcely ever fell into a trance of +late in public, I heard this: "It is not necessary now; thou art +sufficiently esteemed for My purpose; we are considering the +weakness of the wicked." + +6. One Tuesday after the Ascension, [4] having prayed for awhile +after Communion in great distress, because I was so distracted +that I could fix my mind on nothing, I complained of our poor +nature to our Lord. The fire began to kindle in my soul, and I +saw, as it seemed to me, the most Holy Trinity [5] distinctly +present in an intellectual vision, whereby my soul understood +through a certain representation, as a figure of the truth, so +far as my dulness could understand, how God is Three and One; and +thus it seemed to me that all the Three Persons spoke to me, that +They were distinctly present in my soul, saying unto me "that +from that day forth I should see that my soul had grown better in +three ways, and that each one of the Three Persons had bestowed +on me a distinct grace,--in charity, in suffering joyfully, in a +sense of that charity in my soul, accompanied with fervour." +I learnt the meaning of those words of our Lord, that the Three +Divine Persons will dwell in the soul that is in a state of +grace. [6] Afterwards giving thanks to our Lord for so great a +mercy, and finding myself utterly unworthy of it, I asked His +Majesty with great earnestness how it was that He, after showing +such mercies to me, let me go out of His hand, and allowed me to +become so wicked; for on the previous day I had been in great +distress on account of my sins, which I had set before me. I saw +clearly then how much our Lord on His part had done, ever since +my infancy, to draw me to Himself by means most effectual, and +yet, that all had failed. Then I had a clear perception of the +surpassing love of God for us, in that He forgives us all this +when we turn to Him, and for me more than for any other, for many +reasons. The vision of the Three Divine Persons--one God--made +so profound an impression on my soul, that if it had continued it +would have been impossible for me not to be recollected in so +divine a company. What I saw and heard besides is beyond my +power to describe. + +7. Once, when I was about to communicate,--it was shortly before +I had this vision,--the Host being still in the ciborium, for It +had not yet been given me, I saw something like a dove, which +moved its wings with a sound. It disturbed me so much, and so +carried me away out of myself, that it was with the utmost +difficulty I received the Host. All this took place in +St. Joseph of Avila. It was Father Francis Salcedo who was +giving me the most Holy Sacrament. Hearing Mass another day, I +saw our Lord glorious in the Host; He said to me that his +sacrifice was acceptable unto Him. + +8. I heard this once: "The time will come when many miracles will +be wrought in this church; it will be called the holy church." +It was in St. Joseph of Avila, in the year 1571. + +9. I retain to this day, which is the Commemoration of St. Paul, +the presence of the Three Persons of which I spoke in the +beginning; [7] they are present almost continually in my soul. +I, being accustomed to the presence of Jesus Christ only, always +thought that the vision of the Three Persons was in some degree a +hindrance, though I know the Three Persons are but One God. +To-day, while thinking of this, our Lord said to me "that I was +wrong in imagining that those things which are peculiar to the +soul can be represented by those of the body; I was to understand +that they were very different, and that the soul had a capacity +for great fruition." It seemed to me as if this were shown to me +thus: as water penetrates and is drunk in by the sponge, so, it +seemed to me, did the Divinity fill my soul, which in a certain +sense had the fruition and possession of the Three Persons. And +I heard Him say also: "Labour thou not to hold Me within thyself +enclosed, but enclose thou thyself within Me." It seemed to me +that I saw the Three Persons within my soul, and communicating +Themselves to all creatures abundantly without ceasing to be +with me. + +10. A few days after this, thinking whether they were right who +disapproved of my going out to make new foundations, and whether +it would not be better for me if I occupied myself always with +prayer, I heard this: "During this life, the true gain consists +not in striving after greater joy in Me, but in doing My will." +It seemed to me, considering what St. Paul says about women, how +they should stay at home, [8]--people reminded me lately of this, +and, indeed, I had heard it before,--it might be the will of God +I should do so too. He said to me: "Tell them they are not to +follow one part of the Scripture by itself, without looking to +the other parts also; perhaps, if they could, they would like to +tie My hands." + +11. One day after the octave of the Visitation, in one of the +hermitages of Mount Carmel, praying to God for one of my +brothers, I said to our Lord,--I do not know whether it was only +in thought or not, for my brother was in a place where his +salvation was in peril,--"If I saw one of Thy brethren, O Lord, +in this danger, what would I not do to help him!" It seemed to +me there was nothing that I could do which I would not have done. +Our Lord said to me: "O daughter, daughter! the nuns of the +Incarnation are thy sisters, and thou holdest back. +Take courage, then. Behold, this is what I would have thee do: +it is not so difficult as it seems; and though it seems to thee +that by going thither thy foundations will be ruined, yet it is +by thy going that both these and the monastery of the Incarnation +will gain; resist not, for My power is great." [9] + +12. Once, when thinking of the great penance practised by Doña +Catalina de Cardona, [10] and how I might have done more, +considering the desires which our Lord had given me at times, if +it had not been for my obedience to my confessors, I asked myself +whether it would not be as well if I disobeyed them for the +future in this matter. Our Lord said to me: "No, My daughter; +thou art on the sound and safe road. Seest thou all her penance? +I think more of thy obedience." + +13. Once, when I was in prayer, He showed me by a certain kind of +intellectual vision the condition of a soul in a state of grace: +in its company I saw by intellectual vision the most Holy +Trinity, from whose companionship the soul derived a power which +was a dominion over the whole earth. I understood the meaning of +those words in the Canticle: "Let my Beloved come into His garden +and eat." [11] He showed me also the condition of a soul in sin, +utterly powerless, like a person tied and bound and blindfold, +who, though anxious to see, yet cannot, being unable to walk or +to hear, and in grievous obscurity. I was so exceedingly sorry +for such souls, that, to deliver only one, any trouble seemed to +me light. I thought it impossible for any one who saw this as I +saw it,--and I can hardly explain it,--willingly to forfeit so +great a good or continue in so evil a state. + +14. One day, in very great distress about the state of the Order, +and casting about for means to succour it, our Lord said to me: +"Do thou what is in thy power, and leave Me to Myself, and be not +disquieted by anything; rejoice in the blessing thou hast +received, for it is a very great one. My Father is pleased with +thee, and the Holy Ghost loves thee." + +15. "Thou art ever desiring trials, and, on the other hand, +declining them. I order things according to what I know thy will +is, and not according to thy sensuality and weakness. Be strong, +for thou seest how I help thee; I have wished thee to gain this +crown. Thou shalt see the Order of the Virgin greatly advanced in +thy days." I heard this from our Lord about the middle of +February, 1571. + +16. On the eve of St. Sebastian, the first year of my being in +the monastery of the Incarnation [12] as prioress there, at the +beginning of the Salve, I saw the Mother of God descend with a +multitude of angels to the stall of the prioress, where the image +of our Lady is, and sit there herself. I think I did not see the +image then, but only our Lady. She seemed to be like that +picture of her which the Countess [13] gave me; but I had no time +to ascertain this, because I fell at once into a trance. +Multitudes of angels seemed to me to be above the canopies of the +stalls, and on the desks in front of them; but I saw no bodily +forms, for the vision was intellectual. She remained there +during the Salve, and said to me: "Thou hast done well to place +me here; I will be present when the sisters sing the praises of +my Son, and will offer them to Him." After this I remained in +that prayer which I still practise, and which is that of keeping +my soul in the company of the most Holy Trinity; and it seemed to +me that the Person of the Father drew me to Himself, and spoke to +me most comfortable words. Among them were these, while showing +how He loved me: "I give thee My Son, and the Holy Ghost, and the +Virgin: what canst thou give Me?" [14] + +17. On the octave of the Holy Ghost, our Lord was gracious unto +me, and gave me hopes of this house, [15] that it would go on +improving--I mean the souls that are in it. + +18. On the feast of the Magdalene, our Lord again confirmed a +grace I had received in Toledo, electing me, in the absence of a +certain person, in her place. + +19. In the monastery of the Incarnation, and in the second year +of my being prioress there, on the octave of St. Martin, when I +was going to Communion, the Father, Fr. John of the +Cross, [16]--divided the Host between me and another sister. +I thought it was done, not because there was any want of Hosts, +but that he wished to mortify me because I had told him how much +I delighted in Hosts of a large size. Yet I was not ignorant +that the size of the Host is of no moment; for I knew that our +Lord is whole and entire in the smallest particle. His Majesty +said to me: "Have no fear, My daughter; for no one will be able +to separate thee from Me,"--giving me to understand that the size +of the Host mattered not. + +20. Then appearing to me, as on other occasions, in an imaginary +vision, most interiorly, He held out His right hand and said: +"Behold this nail! it is the pledge of thy being My bride from +this day forth. Until now thou hadst not merited it; from +henceforth thou shalt regard My honour, not only as of one who is +Thy Creator, King, and God, but as thine, My veritable bride; My +honour is thine, and thine is Mine." This grace had such an +effect on me, that I could not contain myself: I became as one +that is foolish, and said to our Lord: "Either ennoble my +vileness or cease to bestow such mercies on me, for certainly I +do not think that nature can bear them." I remained thus the +whole day, as one utterly beside herself. Afterwards I became +conscious of great progress, and greater shame and distress to +see that I did nothing in return for graces so great. + +21. Our Lord said this to me one day: "Thinkest thou, My +daughter, that meriting lies in fruition? No; merit lies only in +doing, in suffering, and in loving. You never heard that +St. Paul had the fruition of heavenly joys more than once; while +he was often in sufferings. [17] Thou seest how My whole life +was full of dolors, and only on Mount Tabor hast thou heard of Me +in glory. [18] Do not suppose, when thou seest My Mother hold Me +in her arms, that she had that joy unmixed with heavy sorrows. +From the time that Simeon spoke to her, My Father made her see in +clear light all I had to suffer. The grand Saints of the desert, +as they were led by God, so also did they undergo heavy penances; +besides, they waged serious war with the devil and with +themselves, and much of their time passed away without any +spiritual consolation whatever. Believe Me, My daughter, his +trials are the heaviest whom My Father loves most; trials are the +measure of His love. How can I show My love for thee better than +by desiring for thee what I desired for Myself? Consider My +wounds; thy pains will never reach to them. This is the way of +truth; thus shalt thou help Me to weep over the ruin of those who +are in the world, for thou knowest how all their desires, +anxieties, and thoughts tend the other way." When I began my +prayer that day, my headache was so violent that I thought I +could not possibly go on. Our Lord said to me: "Behold now, the +reward of suffering. As thou, on account of thy health, wert +unable to speak to Me, I spoke to thee and comforted thee." +Certainly, so it was; for the time of my recollection lasted +about an hour and a half, more or less. It was then that He +spoke to me the words I have just related, together with all the +others. I was not able to distract myself, neither knew I where +I was; my joy was so great as to be indescribable; my headache +was gone, and I was amazed, and I had a longing for suffering. +He also told me to keep in mind the words He said to His +Apostles: "The servant is not greater than his Lord." [19] + + +1. Alonzo Ramirez wished to have the right of burial in the new +monastery, but the nobles of Toledo looked on his request as +unreasonable. See Foundations, chs. xv. and xvi. + +2. See Way of Perfection, ch. viii.; but ch. v. of the +previous editions. + +3. See Book of the Foundations, ch. iii. + +4. In the copy kept in Toledo, the day is Tuesday after the +Assumption (De la Fuente). + +5. Ch. xxvii. § 10. + +6. St. John xiv. 23: "Ad eum veniemus, et mansionem apud +eum faciemus." + +7. See § 6. + +8. Titus ii. 5: "Sobrias, domus curam habentes." + +9. This took place in 1571, when the Saint had been appointed +prioress of the monastery of the Incarnation at Avila; the very +house she had left in order to found that of St. Joseph, to keep +the rule in its integrity. + +10. See Book of the Foundations, ch. xxviii. + +11. Cant. v. 1: "Veniat dilectus meus in hortum suum, +et comedat." + +12. A.D. 1572. + +13. Maria de Velasco y Aragon, Countess of Osorno (Ribera, +lib. iii. c. 1). + +14. See Relation iv. § 2. + +15. The monastery of the Incarnation, Avila (De la Fuente). + +16. St. John of the Cross, at the instance of the Saint, was sent +to Avila, with another father of the reformed Carmelites, to be +confessor of the nuns of the Incarnation, who then disliked the +observance of the primitive rule. + +17. 2 Cor. xi. 27: "In labore et ærumna, in vigiliis multis." + +18. St. Matt. xvii. 2: "Et transfiguratus est ante eos." + +19. St. John xiii. 16: "Non est servus major domino suo." + + + +Relation IV. + + +Of the Graces the Saint Received in Salamanca at the End of +Lent, 1571. + + +1. I found myself the whole of yesterday in great desolation, +and, except at Communion, did not feel that it was the day of the +Resurrection. Last night, being with the community, I heard +one [1] of them singing how hard it is to be living away from +God. As I was then suffering, the effect of that singing on me +was such that a numbness began in my hands, and no efforts of +mine could hinder it; but as I go out of myself in raptures of +joy, so then my soul was thrown into a trance through the +excessive pain, and remained entranced; and until this day I had +not felt this. A few days previously I thought that the vehement +impulses were not so great as they used to be, and now it seems +to be that the reason is what I have described; I know not if it +is so. Hitherto the pain had not gone so far as to make me +beside myself; and as it is so unendurable, and as I retained the +control of my senses, it made me utter loud cries beyond my power +to restrain. Now that it has grown, it has reached this point of +piercing me; and I understand more of that piercing which our +Lady suffered; for until to-day, as I have just said, I never +knew what that piercing was. My body was so bruised, that I +suffer even now when I am writing this; for my hands are as if +the joints were loosed, and in pain. [2] You, my father, will +tell me when you see me whether this trance be the effect of +suffering, or whether I felt it, or whether I am deceived. + +2. I was in this great pain till this morning; and, being in +prayer, I fell into a profound trance; and it seemed to me that +our Lord had taken me up in spirit to His Father, and said to +Him: "Whom Thou hast given to Me, I give to Thee;" [3] and He +seemed to draw me near to Himself. This is not an imaginary +vision, but one most certain, and so spiritually subtile that it +cannot be explained. He spoke certain words to me which I do not +remember. Some of them referred to His grace, which He bestows +on me. He kept me by Him for some time. + +3. As you, my father, went away yesterday so soon, and I consider +the many affairs which detain you, so that it is impossible for +me to have recourse to you for comfort even when necessary,--for +I see that your occupations are most urgent,--I was for some time +in pain and sadness. As I was then in desolation,--as I said +before,--that helped me; and as nothing on earth, I thought, had +any attractions for me, I had a scruple, and feared I was +beginning to lose that liberty. This took place last night; and +to-day our Lord answered my doubt, and said to me "that I was not +to be surprised; for as men seek for companions with whom they +may speak of their sensual satisfactions, so the soul--when there +is any one who understands it--seeks those to whom it may +communicate its pleasures and its pains, and is sad and mourns +when it can find none." He said to me: "Thou art prosperous now, +and thy works please Me." As He remained with me for some time, +I remembered that I had told you, my father, that these visions +pass quickly away; He said to me "that there was a difference +between these and the imaginary visions, and that there could not +be an invariable law concerning the graces He bestowed on us; for +it was expedient to give them now in one way, now in another." + +4. After Communion, I saw our Lord most distinctly close beside +me; and He began to comfort me with great sweetness, and said to +me, among other things: "Thou beholdest Me present, My +daughter,--it is I. Show me thy hands." And to me He seemed to +take them and to put them to His side, and said: "Behold My +wounds; thou art not without Me. Finish the short course of thy +life." By some things He said to me, I understood that, after +His Ascension, He never came down to the earth except in the most +Holy Sacrament to communicate Himself to any one. He said to me, +that when He rose again He showed Himself to our Lady, because +she was in great trouble; for sorrow had so pierced her soul that +she did not even recover herself at once in order to have the +fruition of that joy. By this I saw how different was my +piercing. [4] But what must that of the Virgin have been? +He remained long with her then because it was necessary to +console her. + +5. On Palm Sunday, at Communion, I was in a deep trance,--so much +so, that I was not able even to swallow the Host; and, still +having It in my mouth, when I had come a little to myself, I +verily believed that my mouth was all filled with Blood; and my +face and my whole body seemed to be covered with It, as if our +Lord had been shedding It at that moment. I thought It was warm, +and the sweetness I then felt was exceedingly great; and our Lord +said to me: "Daughter, My will is that My Blood should profit +thee; and be not thou afraid that My compassion will fail thee. +I shed It in much suffering, and, as thou seest, thou hast the +fruition of It in great joy. I reward thee well for the pleasure +thou gavest me to-day." He said this because I have been in the +habit of going to Communion, if possible, on this day for more +than thirty years, and of labouring to prepare my soul to be the +host of our Lord; for I considered the cruelty of the Jews to be +very great, after giving Him so grand a reception, in letting Him +go so far for supper; and I used to picture Him as remaining with +me, and truly in a poor lodging, as I see now. And thus I used +to have such foolish thoughts--they must have been acceptable to +our Lord, for this was one of the visions which I regard as most +certain; and, accordingly it has been a great blessing to me in +the matter of Communion. + +6. Previous to this, I had been, I believe, for three days in +that great pain, which I feel sometimes more than at others, +because I am away from God; and during those days it had been +very great, and seemingly more than I could bear. Being thus +exceedingly wearied by it, I saw it was late to take my +collation, nor could I do so,--for if I do not take it a little +earlier, it occasions great weakness because of my sickness; and +then, doing violence to myself, I took up some bread to prepare +for collation, and on the instant Christ appeared, and seemed to +be breaking the bread and putting it into my mouth. He said to +me: "Eat, My daughter, and bear it as well as thou canst. +I condole with thee in thy suffering; but it is good for thee +now." My pain was gone, and I was comforted; for He seemed to be +really with me then, and the whole of the next day; and with this +my desires were then satisfied. The word "condole" made me +strong; for now I do not think I am suffering at all. + + +1. Isabel of Jesus, born in Segovia, and whose family name was +Jimena, told Ribera (vide lib. iv. c. v.) that she was the +singer, being then a novice in Salamanca. + +2. See Fortress of the Soul, vi. ch. xi. + +3. See Relation, iii. § 16. + +4. See above, § 1. + + + +Relation V. + + +Observations on Certain Points of Spirituality. + + +1. "What is it that distresses thee, little sinner? Am I not thy +God? Dost thou not see how ill I am treated here? If thou +lovest Me, why art thou not sorry for Me? Daughter, light is +very different from darkness. I am faithful; no one will be lost +without knowing it. He must be deceiving himself who relies on +spiritual sweetnesses; the true safety lies in the witness of a +good conscience. [1] But let no one think that of himself he can +abide in the light, any more than he can hinder the natural night +from coming on; for that depends on My grace. The best means he +can have for retaining the light is the conviction in his soul +that he can do nothing of himself, and that it comes from Me; +for, even if he were in the light, the instant I withdraw, night +will come. True humility is this: the soul's knowing what itself +can do, and what I can do. Do not neglect to write down the +counsels I give thee, that thou mayest not forget them. +Thou seekest to have the counsels of men in writing; why, then, +thinkest thou that thou art wasting time in writing down those I +give thee? The time will come when thou shalt require them all." + +On Union. + +2. "Do not suppose, My daughter, that to be near to Me is union; +for they who sin against Me are near Me, though they do not wish +it. Nor is union the joys and comforts of union, [2] though they +be of the very highest kind, and though they come from Me. +These very often are means of winning souls, even if they are not +in a state of grace." When I heard this, I was in a high degree +lifted up in spirit. Our Lord showed me what the spirit was, and +what the state of the soul was then, and the meaning of those +words of the Magnificat, "Exultavit spiritus meus." He showed me +that the spirit was the higher part of the will. + +3. To return to union; I understood it to be a spirit, pure and +raised up above all the things of earth, with nothing remaining +in it that would swerve from the will of God, being a spirit and +a will resigned to His will, and in detachment from all things, +occupied in God in such a way as to leave no trace of any love of +self, or of any created thing whatever. [3] Thereupon, I +considered that, if this be union, it comes to this, that, as my +soul is always abiding in this resolution, we can say of it that +it is always in this prayer of union: and yet it is true that the +union lasts but a very short time. It was suggested to me that, +as to living in justice, meriting and making progress, it will be +so; but it cannot be said that the soul is in union as it is when +in contemplation; and I thought I understood, yet not by words +heard, that the dust of our wretchedness, faults, and +imperfections, wherein we bury ourselves, is so great, that it is +not possible to live in such pureness as the spirit is in when in +union with God, raised up and out of our wretched misery. And I +think, if it be union to have our will and spirit in union with +the will and Spirit of God, that it is not possible for any one +not in a state of grace to attain thereto; and I have been told +so. Accordingly, I believe it is very difficult to know when the +soul is in union; to have that knowledge is a special grace of +God, because nobody can tell whether he is in a state of grace +or not. [4] + +4. You will show me in writing, my father, what you think of +this, and how I am in the wrong, and send me this paper back. + +5. I had read in a book that it was an imperfection to possess +pictures well painted,--and I would not, therefore, retain in my +cell one that I had; and also, before I had read this, I thought +that it was poverty to possess none, except those made of +paper,--and, as I read this afterwards, I would not have any of +any other material. I learnt from our Lord, when I was not +thinking at all about this, what I am going to say: "that this +mortification was not right. Which is better, poverty or +charity? But as love was the better, whatever kindled love in +me, that I must not give up, nor take away from my nuns; for the +book spoke of much adorning and curious devices--not of +pictures. [5] What Satan was doing among the Lutherans was the +taking away from them all those means by which their love might +be the more quickened; and thus they were going to perdition. +Those who are loyal to Me, My daughter, must now, more than ever, +do the very reverse of what they do." I understood that I was +under great obligations to serve our Lady and St. Joseph, +because, when I was utterly lost, God, through their prayers, +came and saved me. + +6. One day, after the feast of St. Matthew, [6] I was as is usual +with me, after seeing in a vision the most Holy Trinity, and how +It is present in a soul in a state of grace. [7] I understood +the mystery most clearly, in such a way that, after a certain +fashion and comparisons, I saw It in an imaginary vision. +And though at other times I have seen the most Holy Trinity in an +intellectual vision, for some days after the truth of it did not +rest with me,--as it does now,--I mean, so that I could dwell +upon it. I see now that it is just as learned men told me; and I +did not understand it as I do now, though I believed them without +the least hesitation; for I never had any temptations against +the faith. + +7. It seems to us ignorant women that the Persons of the most +Holy Trinity are all Three, as we see Them painted, in one +Person, after the manner of those pictures, which represent a +body with three faces; and thus it causes such astonishment in us +that we look on it as impossible, and so there is nobody who +dares to think of it; for the understanding is perplexed, is +afraid it may come to doubt the truth, and that robs us of a +great blessing. + +8. What I have seen is this: Three distinct Persons each one by +Himself visible, and by Himself speaking. [8] And afterwards I +have been thinking that the Son alone took human flesh, whereby +this truth is known. The Persons love, communicate, and know +Themselves. Then, if each one is by Himself, how can we say that +the Three are one Essence, and so believe? That is a most deep +truth, and I would die for it a thousand times. In the Three +Persons there is but one will and one power and one might; +neither can One be without Another: so that of all created things +there is but one sole Creator. Could the Son create an ant +without the Father? No; because the power is all one. The same +is to be said of the Holy Ghost. Thus, there is one God +Almighty, and the Three Persons are one Majesty. Is it possible +to love the Father without loving the Son and the Holy Ghost? +No; for he who shall please One of the Three pleases the Three +Persons; and he who shall offend One offends All. Can the Father +be without the Son and without the Holy Ghost? No; for They are +one substance, and where One is there are the Three; for they +cannot be divided. How, then, is it that we see the Three +Persons distinct? and how is it that the Son, not the Father, nor +the Holy Ghost, took human flesh? This is what I have never +understood; theologians know it. I know well that the Three were +there when that marvellous work was done, and I do not busy +myself with much thinking thereon. All my thinking thereon comes +at once to this: that I see God is almighty, that He has done +what He would, and so can do what He will. The less I understand +it, the more I believe it, and the greater the devotion it +excites in me. May He be blessed for ever! Amen. + +9. If our Lord had not been so gracious with me as He has been, I +do not think I should have had the courage to do what has been +done, nor strength to undergo the labours endured, with the +contradictions and the opinions of men. And accordingly, since +the beginning of the foundations, I have lost the fears I +formerly had, thinking that I was under delusions,--and I had a +conviction that it was the work of God: having this, I ventured +upon difficult things, though always with advice and under +obedience. I see in this that when our Lord willed to make a +beginning of the Order, and of His mercy made use of me, His +Majesty had to supply all that I was deficient in, which was +everything, in order that the work might be effected, and that +His greatness might be the more clearly revealed in one +so wicked. + +10. Antiochus was unendurable to himself, and to those who were +about him, because of the stench of his many sins. [9] + +11. Confession is for faults and sins, and not for virtues, nor +for anything of the kind relating to prayer. These things are to +be treated of out of confession with one who understands the +matter,--and let the prioress see to this; and the nun must +explain the straits she is in, in order that the proper helps may +be found for her; for Cassian says that he who does not know the +fact, as well as he who has never seen or learnt, that men can +swim, will think, when he sees people throw themselves into the +river, that they will all be drowned. [10] + +12. Our Lord would have Joseph tell the vision to his brethren, +and have it known, though it was to cost Joseph so much. + +13. How the soul has a sense of fear when God is about to bestow +any great grace upon it; that sense is the worship of the spirit, +as that of the four [11] elders spoken of in Scripture. + +14. How, when the faculties are suspended, it is to be understood +that certain matters are suggested to the soul, to be by it +recommended to God; that an angel suggests them, of whom it is +said in the Scriptures that he was burning incense and offering +up the prayers of the saints. [12] + +15. How there are no sins where there is no knowledge; and thus +our Lord did not permit the king to sin with the wife of +Abraham, for he thought that she was his sister, not his wife. + + +1. 2 Cor. i. 12: "Gloria nostra hæc est, testimonium +conscientiæ nostræ." + +2. See St. John of the Cross, Mount Carmel, bk. ii. ch. v. + +3. See Foundations, ch. v. § 10. + +4. Eccl. ix. 1: "Nescit homo utrum amore an odio dignus sit." + +5. See St. John of the Cross, Mount Carmel, bk. iii. ch. xxxiv. + +6. The §§ 6, 7, and 8 are the thirteenth letter of the second +volume, ed. Doblado. + +7. See Relation iii. § 13. + +8. Anton. a Sancto Joseph, in his notes on this passage, is +anxious to save the Thomist doctrine that one of the Divine +Persons cannot be seen without the other, and so he says that the +Saint speaks of the Three Persons as she saw Them--not as They +are in Themselves. + +9. 2 Maccab. ix. 10, 12: "Eum nemo poterat propter intolerantiam +foetoris portare, . . . . nec ipse jam foetorem suum +ferre posset." + +10. Cassian, Collat. vii. cap. iv. p. 311: "Nec enim si quis +ignarus natandi, sciens pondus corporis sui ferre aquarum +liquorem non posse, experimento suæ voluerit imperitiæ definire, +neminem penitus posse liquidis elementis solida carne +circumdatum sustineri." + +11. Anton. a Sancto Joseph says that the Saint meant to write +four-and-twenty, in allusion to Apoc. iv. 4. + +12. Apoc. viii. 4. + + + +Relation VI. + + +The Vow of Obedience to Father Gratian Which the Saint Made +in 1575. + + +1. In the year 1575, in the month of April, when I was founding +the monastery of Veas, Fra Jerome of the Mother of God Gratian +happened to come thither. [1] I began to go to confession to him +from time to time, though not looking upon him as filling the +place of the other confessors I had, so as to be wholly directed +by him. One day, when I was taking food, but without any +interior recollection whatever, my soul began to be recollected +in such a way that I thought I must fall into a trance; and I had +a vision, that passed away with the usual swiftness, like a +meteor. I seemed to see close beside me Jesus Christ our Lord, +in the form wherein His Majesty is wont to reveal Himself, with +F. Gratian on His right. Our Lord took his right hand and mine, +and, joining them together, said to me that He would have me +accept him in His place for my whole life, and that we were both +to have one mind in all things, for so it was fitting. I was +profoundly convinced that this was the work of God, though I +remembered with regret two of my confessors whom I frequented in +turn for a long time, and to whom I owed much; that one for whom +I have a great affection especially caused a terrible resistance. +Nevertheless, not being able to persuade myself that the vision +was a delusion, because it had a great power and influence over +me, and also because it was said to me on two other occasions +that I was not to be afraid, that He wished this,--the words were +different,--I made up my mind at last to act upon them, +understanding it to be our Lord's will, and to follow that +counsel so long as I should live. I had never before so acted +with any one, though I had consulted many persons of great +learning and holiness, and who watched over my soul with great +care,--but neither had I received any such direction as that I +should make no change; for as to my confessors, of some I +understood that they would be profitable to me, and so also +of these. + +2. When I had resolved on this, I found myself in peace and +comfort so great that I was amazed, and assured of our Lord's +will; for I do not think that Satan could fill the soul with +peace and comfort such as this: and so, whenever I think of it, I +praise our Lord, and remember the words, "posuit fines tuos +pacem," [2] and I wish I could wear myself out in the praises +of God. + +3. It must have been about a month after this my resolve was +made, on the second day after Pentecost, when I was going to +found the monastery in Seville, that we heard Mass in a hermitage +in Ecija, and rested there during the hottest part of the day. +Those who were with me remained in the hermitage while I was by +myself in the sacristy belonging to it. I began to think of one +great grace which I received of the Holy Ghost, on one of the +vigils of His feast, [3] and a great desire arose within me of +doing Him some most special service, and I found nothing that was +not already done,--at least, resolved upon,--for all I do must be +faulty; and I remembered that, though I had already made a vow of +obedience, it might be made in greater perfection, and I had an +impression it would be pleasing unto Him if I promised that which +I was already resolved upon, to live under obedience to the +Father-Master, Fr. Jerome. On the other hand, I seemed to be +doing nothing, because I was already bent on doing it; on the +other hand, it would be a very serious thing, considering that +our interior state is not made known to the superiors who receive +our vows, and that they change, and that, if one is not doing his +work well, another comes in his place; and I believed I should +have none of my liberty all my life long, either outwardly or +inwardly, and this constrained me greatly to abstain from making +the vow. This repugnance of the will made me ashamed, and I saw +that, now I had something I could do for God, I was not doing it; +it was a sad thing for my resolution to serve Him. The fact is, +that the objection so pressed me, that I do not think I ever did +anything in my life that was so hard--not even my +profession--unless it be that of my leaving my father's house to +become a nun. [4] The reason of this was that I had forgotten my +affection for him, and his gifts for directing me; yea, rather, I +was looking on it then as a strange thing, which has surprised +me; feeling nothing but a great fear whether the vow would be for +the service of God or not: and my natural self--which is fond of +liberty--must have been doing its work, though for years now I +have no pleasure in it. But it seemed to me a far other matter +to give up that liberty by a vow, as in truth it is. After a +protracted struggle, our Lord gave me great confidence; and I saw +it was the better course, the more I felt about it: if I made +this promise in honour of the Holy Ghost, He would be bound to +give him light for the direction of my soul; and I remembered at +the same time that our Lord had given him to me as my guide. +Thereupon I fell upon my knees, and, to render this tribute of +service to the Holy Ghost, made a promise to do whatever he +should bid me do while I lived, provided nothing were required of +me contrary to the law of God and the commands of superiors whom +I am more bound to obey. I adverted to this, that the obligation +did not extend to things of little importance,--as if I were to +be importunate with him about anything, and he bade me cease, and +I neglected his advice and repeated my request,--nor to things +relating to my convenience. In a word, his commands were not to +be about trifles, done without reflection; and I was not +knowingly to conceal from him my faults and sins, or my interior +state; and this, too, is more than we allow to superiors. In a +word, I promised to regard him as in the place of God, outwardly +and inwardly. I know not if it be so, but I seemed to have done +a great thing in honour of the Holy Ghost--at least, it was all I +could do, and very little it was in comparison with what I +owe Him. + +4. I give God thanks, who has created one capable of this work: I +have the greatest confidence that His Majesty will bestow on him +great graces; and I myself am so happy and joyous, that I seem to +be in every way free from myself; and though I thought that my +obedience would be a burden, I have attained to the +greatest freedom. May our Lord be praised for ever! + + +1. See Foundations, ch. xxii. + +2. Psalm cxlvii. 14: "He hath made thy borders peace." + +3. Perhaps the Saint refers to what she has written in her Life, +ch. xxxviii. §§ 11, 12. + +4. Life, ch. iv. § 1. + + + +Relation VII. + + +Made for Rodrigo Alvarez, S.J., in the Year 1575, According to +Don Vicente de la Fuente; but in 1576, According to the +Bollandists and F. Bouix. + + +1. This nun took the habit forty years ago, and from the first +began to reflect on the mysteries of the Passion of Christ our +Lord, and on her own sins, for some time every day, without +thinking at all of anything supernatural, but only of created +things, or of such subjects as suggested to her how soon the end +of all things must come, discerning in creatures the greatness of +God and His love for us. + +2. This made her much more willing to serve Him: she was never +under the influence of fear, and made no account of it, but had +always a great desire to see God honoured, and His glory +increased. To that end were all her prayers directed, without +making any for herself; for she thought that it mattered little +if she had to suffer in purgatory in exchange for the increase of +His glory even in the slightest degree. + +3. In this she spent about two-and-twenty years in great +aridities, and never did it enter into her thoughts to desire +anything else; for she regarded herself as one who, she thought, +did not deserve even to think about God, except that His Majesty +was very merciful to her in allowing her to remain in His +presence, saying her prayers, reading also in good books. + +4. It must be about eighteen years since she began to arrange +about the first monastery of Barefooted Carmelites which she +founded. It was in Avila, three or two years before,--I believe +it is three,--she began to think that she occasionally heard +interior locutions, and had visions and revelations interiorly. +She saw with the eyes of the soul, for she never saw anything +with her bodily eyes, nor heard anything with her bodily ears; +twice, she thinks, she heard a voice, but she understood not what +was said. It was a sort of making things present when she saw +these things interiorly; they passed away like a meteor most +frequently. The vision, however, remained so impressed on her +mind, and produced such effects, that it was as if she saw those +things with her bodily eyes, and more. + +5. She was then by nature so very timid, that she would not dare +to be alone even by day, at times. And as she could not escape +from these visitations, though she tried with all her might, she +went about in very great distress, afraid that it was a delusion +of Satan, and began to consult spiritual men of the Society of +Jesus about it, among whom were Father Araoz, who was Commissary +of the Society, and who happened to go to that place, and Father +Francis, who was Duke of Gandia,--him she consulted twice; [1] +also a Provincial, now in Rome, called Gil Gonzalez, and him also +who is now Provincial of Castille,--this latter, however, not so +often,--Father Baltasar Alvarez who is now Rector in Salamanca; +and he heard her confession for six years at this time; also the +present Rector of Cuenca, Salazar by name; the Rector of Segovia, +called Santander; the Rector of Burgos, whose name is +Ripalda,--and he thought very ill of her when he heard of these +things, till after he had conversed with her; the Doctor Paul +Hernandez in Toledo, who was a Consultor of the Inquisition, him +who was Rector in Salamanca when she talked to him; the Doctor +Gutierrez, and other fathers, some of the Society, whom she knew +to be spiritual men, these she sought out, if any were in those +places where she went to found monasteries. + +6. With the Father Fra Peter of Alcantara, who was a holy man of +the Barefooted Friars of St. Francis, she had many +communications, and he it was who insisted so much upon it that +her spirit should be regarded as good. They were more than six +years trying her spirit minutely, as it is already described at +very great length, [2] as will be shown hereafter: and she +herself in tears and deep affliction; for the more they tried +her, the more she fell into raptures, and into trances very +often,--not, however, deprived of her senses. + +7. Many prayers were made, and many Masses were said, that our +Lord would lead her by another way, [3] for her fear was very +great when she was not in prayer; though in everything relating +to the state of her soul she was very much better, and a great +difference was visible, there was no vainglory, nor had she any +temptation thereto, nor to pride; on the contrary, she was very +much ashamed and confounded when she saw that people knew of her +state, and except with her confessors or any one who would give +her light, she never spoke of these things, and it was more +painful to speak of them than if they had been grave sins; for it +seemed to her that people must laugh at her, [4] and that these +things were womanish imaginations, which she had always heard of +with disgust. + +8. About thirteen years ago, more or less, after the house of +St. Joseph was founded, into which she had gone from the other +monastery, came the present Bishop of Salamanca, Inquisitor, I +think, of Toledo, previously of Seville, Soto by name. [5] She +contrived to have a conference with him for her greater security, +and told him everything. He replied, that there was nothing in +all this that concerned his office, because everything that she +saw and heard confirmed her the more in the Catholic faith, in +which she always was, and is, firm, with most earnest desires for +the honour of God and the good of souls, willing to suffer death +many times for one of them. + +9. He told her, when he saw how distressed she was, to give an +account of it all, and of her whole life, without omitting +anything, to the Master Avila, who was a man of great learning in +the way of prayer, and to rest content with the answer he should +give. She did so, and described her sins and her life. He wrote +to her and comforted her, giving her great security. The account +I gave was such that all those learned men who saw it--they were +my confessors--said that it was very profitable for instruction +in spiritual things; and they commanded her to make copies of it, +and write another little book [6] for her daughters,--she was +prioress,--wherein she might give them some instructions. + +10. Notwithstanding all this, she was not without fears at times, +for she thought that spiritual men also might be deceived like +herself. She told her confessor that he might discuss these +things with certain learned men, though they were not much given +to prayer, for she had no other desire but that of knowing +whether what she experienced was in conformity with the sacred +writings or not. Now and then she took comfort in thinking +that--though she herself, because of her sins, deserved to fall +into delusions--our Lord would not suffer so many good men, +anxious to give her light, to be led into error. + +11. Having this in view, she began to communicate with fathers of +the Order of the glorious St. Dominic, to which, before these +things took place, she had been to confession--she does not say +to them, but to the Order. [7] These are they with whom she +afterwards had relations. The Father Fra Vicente Barron, at that +time Consultor of the Holy Office, heard her confessions for +eighteen months in Toledo, and he had done so very many years +before these things began. He was a very learned man. +He reassured her greatly, as did also the fathers of the Society +spoken of before. All used to say, If she does not sin against +God, and acknowledges her own misery, what has she to be afraid +of? She confessed to the Father Fra Pedro Ibañez, who was reader +in Avila; to the Father-Master Fra Dominic Bañes, who is now in +Valladolid as rector of the college of St. Gregory, I confessed +for six years, and whenever I had occasion to do so communicated +with him by letter; also to the Master Chaves; to the +Father-Master Fra Bartholomew of Medina, professor in Salamanca, +of whom she knew that he thought ill of her; for she, having +heard this, thought that he, better than any other, could tell +her if she was deceived, because he had so little confidence in +her. This was more than two years ago. She contrived to go to +confession to him, and gave him a full account of everything +while she remained there; and he saw what she had written, [8] +for the purpose of attaining to a better understanding of the +matter. He reassured her so much, and more than all the rest, +and remained her very good friend. + +12. She went to confession also to Fra Philip de Meneses, when +she founded the monastery of Valladolid, for he was rector of the +college of St. Gregory. He, having before that heard of her +state, had gone to Avila, that he might speak to her,--it was an +act of great charity,--being desirous of ascertaining whether she +was deluded, so that he might enlighten her, and, if she was not, +defend her when he heard her spoken against; and he was +much satisfied. + +13. She also conferred particularly with Salinas, Dominican +Provincial, a man of great spirituality; with another licentiate +named Lunar, who was prior of St. Thomas of Avila; and, in +Segovia, with a reader, Fra Diego de Yangües. + +14. Of these Dominicans some never failed to give themselves +greatly to prayer, and perhaps all did. Some others also she +consulted; for in so many years, and because of the fear she was +in, she had opportunities of doing so, especially as she went +about founding monasteries in so many places. Her spirit was +tried enough, for everybody wished to be able to enlighten her, +and thereby reassured her and themselves. She always, at all +times, wished to submit herself to whatever they enjoined her, +and she was therefore distressed when, as to these spiritual +things, she could not obey them. Both her own prayer, and that +of the nuns she has established, are always carefully directed +towards the propagation of the faith; and it was for that +purpose, and for the good of her Order, that she began her +first monastery. + +15. She used to say that, if any of these things tended to lead +her against the Catholic faith and the law of God, she would not +need to seek for learned men nor tests, because she would see at +once that they came from Satan. She never undertook anything +merely because it came to her in prayer; on the contrary, when +her confessors bade her do the reverse, she did so without being +in the least troubled thereat, and she always told them +everything. For all that they told her that these things came +from God, she never so thoroughly believed them that she could +swear to it herself, though it did seem to her that they were +spiritually safe, because of the effects thereof, and of the +great graces which she at times received; but she always desired +virtues more than anything else; and this it is that she has +charged her nuns to desire, saying to them that the most humble +and mortified will be the most spiritual. + +16. All that is told and written she communicated to the +Father-Master Fra Dominic Bañes, who is now in Valladolid, and +who is the person with whom she has had, and has still, the most +frequent communications. He sent her writings to the Holy Office +in Madrid, so it is said. In all this she submits herself to the +Catholic faith and the Roman Church. Nobody has found fault with +them, because these things are not in the power of any man, and +our Lord does not require what is impossible. + +17. The reason why so much is known about her is that, as she was +in fear about herself, and described her state to so many, these +talked to one another on the subject and also the accident that +happened to what she had written. [9] This has been to her a +very grievous torment and cross, and has cost her many tears. +She says that this distress is not the effect of humility, but of +the causes already mentioned. Our Lord seems to have given +permission [10] for this torture for if one spoke more harshly of +her than others, by little and little he spoke more kindly +of her. + +18. She took the greatest pains not to submit the state of her +soul to any one who she thought would believe that these things +came from God, for she was instantly afraid that the devil would +deceive them both. If she saw any one timid about these things, +to him she laid bare her secrets with the greater joy; though +also it gave her pain when, for the purpose of trying her, these +things were treated with contempt, for she thought some were +really from God, and she would not have people, even if they had +good cause, condemn them so absolutely; neither would she have +them believe that all were from God; and because she knew +perfectly well that delusion was possible, therefore it was that +she never thought herself altogether safe in a matter wherein +there might be danger. + +19. She used to strive with all her might never in any way to +offend God, and was always obedient; and by these means she +thought she might obtain her deliverance, by the help of God, +even if Satan were the cause. + +20. Ever since she became subject to these supernatural +visitations, her spirit is always inclined to seek after that +which is most perfect, and she had almost always a great desire +to suffer; and in the persecutions she underwent, and they were +many, she was comforted, and had a particular affection for her +persecutors. She had a great desire to be poor and lonely, and +to depart out of this land of exile in order to see God. +Through these effects, and others like them, she began to find +peace, thinking that a spirit which could leave her with these +virtues could not be an evil one, and they who had the charge of +her soul said so; but it was a peace that came from diminished +weariness, not from the cessation of fear. + +21. The spirit she is of never urged her to make any of these +things known, but to be always obedient. [11] As it has been +said already, [12] she never saw anything with her bodily eyes, +but in a way so subtile and so intellectual that at first she +sometimes thought that all was the effect of imagination; at +other times she could not think so. These things were not +continual, but occurred for the most part when she was in some +trouble: as on one occasion, when for some days she had to bear +unendurable interior pains, and a restlessness of soul arising +out of the fear that she was deluded by Satan, as it is described +at length in the account she has given of it, [13] and where her +sins, for they have been so public, are mentioned with the rest: +for the fear she was in made her forget her own good name. + +22. Being thus in distress such as cannot be described, at the +mere hearing interiorly these words, [14] "It is I, be not +afraid," her soul became so calm, courageous, and confident, that +she could not understand whence so great a blessing had come; for +her confessor had not been able--and many learned men, with many +words, had not been able--to give her that peace and rest which +this one word had given her. And thus, at other times, some +vision gave her strength, for without that she could not have +borne such great trials and contradictions, together with +infirmities without number, and which she still has to bear, +though they are not so many,--for she is never free from some +suffering or other, more or less intense. Her ordinary state is +constant pain, with many other infirmities, though since she +became a nun they are more troublesome, if she is doing anything +in the service of our Lord. And the mercies He shows her pass +quickly out of memory, though she often dwells on those +mercies,--but she is not able to dwell so long upon these as upon +her sins; these are always a torment to her, most commonly as +filth smelling foully. + +23. That her sins are so many, and her service of God so scanty, +must be the reason why she is not tempted to vainglory. +There never was anything in any of these spiritual visitations +that was not wholly pure and clean, nor does she think it can be +otherwise if the spirit be good and the visitations supernatural, +for she utterly neglects the body and never thinks of it, being +wholly intent upon God. + +24. She is also living in great fear about sinning against God, +and doing His will in all things; this is her continual prayer. +And she is, she thinks, so determined never to swerve from this, +that there is nothing her confessors might enjoin her, which she +considers to be for the greater honour of our Lord, that she +would not undertake and perform, by the help of our Lord. +And confident that His Majesty helps those who have resolved to +advance His service and glory, she thinks no more of herself and +of her own progress, in comparison with that, than if she did not +exist, so far as she knows herself, and her confessors think +so too. + +25. All that is written in this paper is the simple truth, and +they, and all others who have had anything to do with her for +these twenty years, can justify it. Most frequently her spirit +urged her to praise God, and she wished that all the world gave +itself up to that, even though it should cost her exceedingly. +Hence the desire she has for the good of souls; and from +considering how vile are the things of this world, and how +precious are interior things, with which nothing can be compared, +she has attained to a contempt of the world. + +26. As for the vision about which you, my father, wish to know +something, it is of this kind: she sees nothing either outwardly +or inwardly, for the vision is not imaginary: but, without seeing +anything, she understands what it is, and where it is, more +clearly than if she saw it, only nothing in particular presents +itself to her. She is like a person who feels that another is +close beside her; but because she is in the dark she sees him +not, yet is certain that he is there present. Still, this +comparison is not exact; for he who is in the dark, in some way +or other, through hearing a noise or having seen that person +before, knows he is there, or knew it before; but here there is +nothing of the kind, for without a word, inward or outward, the +soul clearly perceives who it is, where he is, and occasionally +what he means. [15] Why, or how, she perceives it, she knoweth +not; but so it is; and while it lasts, she cannot help being +aware of it. And when it is over,--though she may wish ever so +much to retain the image thereof,--she cannot do it, for it is +then clear to her that it would be, in that case, an act of the +imagination, not the vision itself,--that is not in her power; +and so it is with the supernatural things. And it is from this +it comes to pass that he in whom God works these graces despises +himself, and becomes more humble than he was ever before, for he +sees that this is a gift of God, and that he can neither add to +it nor take from it. The love and the desire become greater of +serving our Lord, who is so mighty that He can do that which is +more than our imagination can conceive here, as there are things +which men, however learned they may be, can never know. +Blessed for ever and ever be He who bestows this! Amen. + + +1. See Life, ch. xxiv. § 4. + +2. See Life, ch. xxv. § 18. + +3. See Life, ch. xxv. § 20, and ch. xxvii. § 1. + +4. See Life, ch. xxvi. § 5. + +5. Don Francisco de Soto y Salazar was a native of Bonilli de la +Sierra, and Vicar-General of the Bishops of Astorga and Avila, +and Canon of Avila; Inquisitor of Cordova, Seville, and Toledo; +Bishop, successively, of Albarracin, Segorve, and Salamanca. +He died at Merida, in 1576, poisoned, it was suspected, by the +sect of the Illuminati, who were alarmed at his faithful zeal and +holy life (Palafox, note to letter 19, vol. i. ed. Doblado). +"She went to the Inquisitor, Don Francisco Soto de Salazar--he +was afterwards Bishop of Salamanca--and said to him: 'My lord, I +am subject to certain extraordinary processes in prayer, such as +ecstasies, raptures, and revelations, and do not wish to be +deluded or deceived by Satan, or to do anything that is not +absolutely safe. I give myself up to the Inquisition to try me, +and examine my ways of going on, submitting myself to its +orders.' The Inquisitor replied: 'Señora, the business of the +Inquisition is not to try the spirit, nor to examine ways of +prayer, but to correct heretics. Do you, then, commit your +experience to writing, in all simplicity and truth, and send it +to the Father-Master Avila, who is a man of great spirituality +and learning, and extremely conversant with matters of prayer; +and when you shall have his answer, you may be sure there is +nothing to be afraid of'" (Jerome Gratian, Lucidario, cap. iii.). + +6. This book is the Way of Perfection, written by direction of +F. Bañes. + +7. The Saint had such great affection for the Order of +St. Dominic, that she used to say of herself, "Yo soy la Dominica +in passione," meaning thereby that she was in her heart a +Dominicaness, and a child of the Order (Palafox, note to letter +16, vol. i. ed. Doblado). + +8. When this father had read the Life, he had it copied, with the +assent of F. Gratian, and gave the copy thus made to the Duchess +of Alba (De la Fuente). + +9. See Foundations, ch. xvii. § 12, note. + +10. Life, ch. xxiii. § 15. + +11. Life, ch. xxvi. § 5. + +12. § 4. + +13. Life, ch. xxv. § 19. + +14. Life, ch. xxv. § 22. + +15. See Life, ch. xxvii. § 5. + + + +Relation VIII. + + +Addressed to F. Rodrigo Alvarez. + + +1. These interior things of the spirit are so difficult to +describe, and, still more, in such a way as to be +understood,--the more so as they pass quickly away,--that, if +obedience did not help me, it would be a chance if I succeeded, +especially in such difficult things. I implore you, my father, +to take for granted that it is not in my mind to think this to be +correct, for it may well be that I do not understand the matter; +but what I can assure you of is this, that I will speak of +nothing I have not had experience of at times, and, +indeed, often. + +2. I think it will please you, my father, if I begin by +discussing that which is at the root of supernatural things; for +that which relates to devotion, tenderness, tears, and +meditations, which is in our power here to acquire by the help of +our Lord, is understood. + +3. The first prayer of which I was conscious,--in my opinion, +supernatural,--so I call that which no skill or effort of ours, +however much we labour, can attain to, though we should prepare +ourselves for it, and that preparation must be of great +service,--is a certain interior recollection [1] of which the +soul is sensible; the soul seems to have other senses within +itself then, which bear some likeness to the exterior senses it +possesses; and thus the soul, withdrawing into itself, seeks to +go away from the tumult of its outward senses, and accordingly it +drags them away with itself; for it closes the eyes on purpose +that it may neither see, nor hear, nor understand anything but +that whereon the soul is then intent, which is to be able to +converse with God alone. In this prayer there is no suspension +of the faculties and powers of the soul; it retains the full use +of them; but the use of them is retained that they may be +occupied with God. This will be easily understood by him whom +our Lord shall have raised to this state; but by him whom He has +not, not; at least, such a one will have need of many words +and illustrations. + +4. Out of this recollection grow a certain quietude and inward +peace most full of comfort; for the soul is in such a state that +it does not seem to it that it wants anything; for even speaking +wearies it,--I mean by this, vocal prayer and meditation; it +would do nothing but love. This lasts some time, and even a +long time. + +5. Out of this prayer comes usually what is called a sleep of the +faculties; but they are not so absorbed nor so suspended as that +it can be called a trance; nor is it altogether union. + +6. Sometimes, and even often, the soul is aware that the will +alone is in union; and this it sees very clearly,--that is, it +seems so to it. The will is wholly intent upon God, and the soul +sees that it has no power to rest on, or do, anything else; and +at the same time the two other faculties are at liberty to attend +to other matters of the service of God,--in a word, Martha and +Mary are together. [2] I asked Father Francis [3] if this was a +delusion, for it made me stupid; and his reply was, that it +often happened. + +7. When all the faculties of the soul are in union, it is a very +different state of things; for they can then do nothing whatever, +because the understanding is as it were surprised. The will +loves more than the understanding knows; but the understanding +does not know that the will loves, nor what it is doing, so as to +be able in any way to speak of it. As to the memory, the soul, I +think, has none then, nor any power of thinking, nor are the +senses awake, but rather as lost, so that the soul may be the +more occupied with the object of its fruition: so it seems to me. +They are lost but for a brief interval; it passes quickly away. +By the wealth of humility, and other virtues and desires, left in +the soul after this may be learnt how great the blessing is that +flows from this grace, but it cannot be told what it is; for, +though the soul applies itself to the understanding of it, it can +neither understand nor explain it. This, if it be real, is, in +my opinion, the greatest grace wrought by our Lord on this +spiritual road,--at least, it is one of the greatest. + +8. Raptures and trance, in my opinion, are all one, only I am in +the habit of using the word trance instead of rapture, because +the latter word frightens people; and, indeed, the union of which +I am speaking may also be called a trance. The difference +between union and trance is this, that the latter lasts longer +and is more visible outwardly, because the breathing gradually +diminishes, so that it becomes impossible to speak or to open the +eyes; and though this very thing occurs when the soul is in +union, there is more violence in a trance for the natural warmth +vanishes, I know not how, when the rapture is deep; and in all +these kinds of prayer there is more or less of this. When it is +deep, as I was saying, the hands become cold, and sometimes stiff +and straight as pieces of wood; as to the body, if the rapture +comes on when it is standing or kneeling, it remains so; [4] and +the soul is so full of the joy of that which our Lord is setting +before it, that it seems to forget to animate the body, and +abandons it. If the rapture lasts, the nerves are made to +feel it. + +9. It seems to me that our Lord will have the soul know more of +that, the fruition of which it has, in a trance than in union, +and accordingly in a rapture the soul receives most commonly +certain revelations of His Majesty, and the effects thereof on +the soul are great,--a forgetfulness of self, through the longing +it has that God our Lord, who is so high, may be known and +praised. In my opinion, if the rapture be from God, the soul +cannot fail to obtain a deep conviction of its own helplessness, +and of its wretchedness and ingratitude, in that it has not +served Him who, of His own goodness only, bestows upon it graces +so great; for the feeling and the sweetness are so high above all +things that may be compared therewith that, if the recollection +of them did not pass away, all the satisfactions of earth would +be always loathsome to it; and hence comes the contempt for all +the things of the world. + +10. The difference between trance and transport [5] is this,--in +a trance the soul gradually dies to outward things, losing the +senses and living unto God. A transport comes on by one sole act +of His Majesty, wrought in the innermost part of the soul with +such swiftness that it is as if the higher part thereof were +carried away, and the soul leaving the body. Accordingly it +requires courage at first to throw itself into the arms of our +Lord, that He may take it whithersoever He will; for, until His +Majesty establishes it in peace there whither He is pleased to +take it--by take it I mean the admitting of it to the knowledge +of deep things--it certainly requires in the beginning to be +firmly resolved to die for Him, because the poor soul does not +know what this means--that is, at first. The virtues, as it +seems to me, remain stronger after this, for there is a growth in +detachment, and the power of God, who is so mighty, is the more +known, so that the soul loves and fears Him. For so it is, He +carries away the soul, no longer in our power, as the true Lord +thereof, which is filled with a deep sorrow for having offended +Him, and astonishment that it ever dared to offend a Majesty so +great, with an exceedingly earnest desire that none may +henceforth offend Him, and that all may praise Him. This, I +think, must be the source of those very fervent desires for the +salvation of souls, and for some share therein, and for the due +praising of God. + +11. The flight of the spirit--I know not how to call it--is a +rising upwards from the very depths of the soul. I remember only +this comparison, and I made use of it before, as you know, my +father, in that writing where these and other ways of prayer are +explained at length, [6] and such is my memory that I forget +things at once. It seems to me that soul and spirit are one and +the same thing; but only as a fire, if it is great and ready for +burning; so, like fire burning rapidly, the soul, in that +preparation of itself which is the work of God, sends up a +flame,--the flame ascends on high, but the fire thereof is the +same as that below, nor does the flame cease to be fire because +it ascends: so here, in the soul, something so subtile and so +swift, seems to issue from it, that ascends to the higher part, +and goes thither whither our Lord wills. I cannot go further +with the explanation; it seems a flight, and I know of nothing +else wherewith to compare it: I know that it cannot be mistaken, +for it is most evident when it occurs, and that it cannot +be hindered. + +12. This little bird of the spirit seems to have escaped out of +this wretchedness of the flesh, out of the prison of this body, +and now, disentangled therefrom, is able to be the more intent on +that which our Lord is giving it. The flight of the spirit is +something so fine, of such inestimable worth, as the soul +perceives it, that all delusion therein seems impossible, or +anything of the kind, when it occurs. It was afterwards that +fear arose, because she who received this grace was so wicked; +for she saw what good reasons she had to be afraid of everything, +though in her innermost soul there remained an assurance and a +confidence wherein she was able to live, but not enough to make +her cease from the anxiety she was in not to be deceived. + +13. By impetus I mean that desire which at times rushes into the +soul, without being preceded by prayer, and this is most +frequently the case; it is a sudden remembering that the soul is +away from God, or of a word it has heard to that effect. +This remembering is occasionally so strong and vehement that the +soul in a moment becomes as if the reason were gone, just like a +person who suddenly hears most painful tidings of which he knew +not before, or is surprised; such a one seems deprived of the +power of collecting his thoughts for his own comfort, and is as +one lost. So is it in this state, except that the suffering +arises from this, that there abides in the soul a conviction that +it would be well worth dying in it. It seems that whatever the +soul then perceives does but increase its suffering, and that our +Lord will have its whole being find no comfort in anything, nor +remember that it is His will that it should live: the soul seems +to itself to be in great and indescribable loneliness, and +abandoned of all, because the world, and all that is in it, gives +it pain; and because it finds no companionship in any created +thing, the soul seeks its Creator alone, and this it sees to be +impossible unless it dies; and as it must not kill itself, it is +dying to die, and there is really a risk of death, and it sees +itself hanging between heaven and earth, not knowing what to do +with itself. And from time to time God gives it a certain +knowledge of Himself, that it may see what it loses, in a way so +strange that no explanation of it is possible; and there is no +pain in the world--at least I have felt none--that is equal or +like unto this, for if it lasts but half an hour the whole body +is out of joint, and the bones so racked, that I am not able to +write with my hands: the pains I endure are most grievous. [7] + +14. But nothing of all this is felt till the impetus shall have +passed away. He to whom it comes has enough to do in enduring +that which is going on within him, nor do I believe that he would +feel if he were grievously tortured: he is in possession of all +his senses, can speak, and even observe; walk about he +cannot,--the great blow of that love throws him down to the +ground. If we were to die to have this, it would be of no use, +for it cannot be except when God sends it. It leaves great +effects and blessings in the soul. Some learned men say that it +is this, others that it is that, but no one condemns it. The +Father-Master d'Avila wrote to me and said it was good, and so +say all. The soul clearly understands that it is a great grace +from our Lord; were it to occur more frequently, life would not +last long. + +15. The ordinary impetus is, that this desire of serving God +comes on with a certain tenderness, accompanied with tears, out +of a longing to depart from this land of exile; but as the soul +retains its freedom, wherein it reflects that its living on is +according to our Lord's will, it takes comfort in that thought, +and offers its life to Him, beseeching Him that it may last only +for His glory. This done, it bears all. + +16. Another prayer very common is a certain kind of wounding; [8] +for it really seems to the soul as if an arrow were thrust +through the heart, or through itself. Thus it causes great +suffering, which makes the soul complain; but the suffering is so +sweet, that it wishes it never would end. The suffering is not +one of sense, neither is the wound physical; it is in the +interior of the soul, without any appearance of bodily pain; but +as I cannot explain it except by comparing it with other pains, I +make use of these clumsy expressions,--for such they are when +applied to this suffering. I cannot, however, explain it in any +other way. It is, therefore, neither to be written of nor spoken +of, because it is impossible for any one to understand it who has +not had experience of it,--I mean, how far the pain can go; for +the pains of the spirit are very different from those of earth. +I gather, therefore, from this, that the souls in hell and +purgatory suffer more than we can imagine, by considering these +pains of the body. + +17. At other times, this wound of love seems to issue from the +inmost depth of the soul; great are the effects of it; and when +our Lord does not inflict it, there is no help for it, whatever +we may do to obtain it; nor can it be avoided when it is His +pleasure to inflict it. The effects of it are those longings +after God, so quick and so fine that they cannot be described and +when the soul sees itself hindered and kept back from entering, +as it desires, on the fruition of God, it conceives a great +loathing for the body, on which it looks as a thick wall which +hinders it from that fruition which it then seems to have entered +upon within itself, and unhindered by the body. It then +comprehends the great evil that has befallen us through the sin +of Adam in robbing us of this liberty. [9] + +18. This prayer I had before the raptures and the great +impetuosities I have been speaking of. I forgot to say that +these great impetuosities scarcely ever leave me, except through +a trance or great sweetness in our Lord, whereby He comforts the +soul, and gives it courage to live on for His sake. + +19. All this that I speak of cannot be the effect of the +imagination; and I have some reasons for saying this, but it +would be wearisome to enter on them: whether it be good or not is +known to our Lord. The effects thereof, and how it profits the +soul, pass all comprehension, as it seems to me. + +20. I see clearly that the Persons are distinct, as I saw it +yesterday when you, my father, were talking to the Father +Provincial; only I saw nothing, and heard nothing, as, my father, +I have already told you. But there is a strange certainty about +it, though the eyes of the soul see nothing; and when the +presence is withdrawn, that withdrawal is felt. How it is, I +know not; but I do know very well that it is not an imagination, +because I cannot reproduce the vision when it is over, even if I +were to perish in the effort; but I have tried to do so. So is +it with all that I have spoken of here, so far as I can see; for, +as I have been in this state for so many years, I have been able +to observe, so that I can say so with this confidence. The truth +is,--and you, my father, should attend to this,--that, as to the +Person who always speaks, I can certainly say which of Them He +seems to me to be; of the others I cannot say so much. One of +Them I know well has never spoken. I never knew why, nor do I +busy myself in asking more of God than He is pleased to give, +because in that case, I believe, I should be deluded by Satan, at +once; nor will I ask now, because of the fear I am in. + +21. I think the First spoke to me at times; but as I do not +remember that very well now, nor what it was that He spoke, I +will not venture to say so. It is all written,--you, my father, +know where,--and more at large than it is here; I know not +whether in the same words or not. [10] Though the Persons are +distinct in a strange way, the soul knows One only God. I do not +remember that our Lord ever seemed to speak to me but in His +Human Nature; and--I say it again--I can assure you that this is +no imagination. + +22. What, my father, you say about the water, I know not; nor +have I heard where the earthly paradise is. I have already said +that I cannot but listen to what our Lord tells me; I hear it +because I cannot help myself; but, as for asking His Majesty to +reveal anything to me, that is what I have never done. In that +case, I should immediately think I was imagining things, and that +I must be in a delusion of Satan. God be praised, I have never +been curious about things, and I do not care to know more than I +do. [11] What I have learnt, without seeking to learn, as I have +just said, has been a great trouble to me, though it has been the +means, I believe, which our Lord made use of to save me, seeing +that I was so wicked; good people do not need so much to make +them serve His Majesty. + +23. I remember another way of prayer which I had before the one I +mentioned first,--namely, a presence of God, which is not a +vision at all. It seems that any one, if he recommends himself +to His Majesty, even if he only prays vocally, finds Him; every +one, at all times, can do this, if we except seasons of aridity. +May He grant I may not by my own fault lose mercies so great, and +may He have compassion on me! + + +1. Inner Fortress, iv. ch. iii. + +2. See Life, ch. xvii. § 5. + +3. Compare Life, ch. xxiv. § 4. + +4. See Life, ch. xx. § 23. + +5. "Arrobamiento y arrebatamiento." + +6. See Life, chs. xx. and xxi. + +7. Life, ch. xx. § 16; Inner Fortress, vi. c. xi. + +8. See Life, ch. xxix. § 17. + +9. See Life, ch. xvii. § 9. + +10. See Relation, iii. § 6. + +11. See St. John of the Cross, Ascent of Mount Carmel, +bk. ii. ch. xxii. + + + +Relation IX. + + +Of Certain Spiritual Graces She Received in Toledo and Avila in +the Years 1576 and 1577. + + +1. I had begun to go to confession to a certain person [1] in the +city wherein I am at present staying, when he, though he had much +good will towards me, and always has had since he took upon +himself the charge of my soul, ceased to come here; and one +night, when I was in prayer, and thinking how he failed me, I +understood that God kept him from coming because it was expedient +for me to treat of the affairs of my soul with a certain person +on the spot. [2] I was distressed because I had to form new +relations--it might be he would not understand me, and would +disturb me--and because I had a great affection for him who did +me this charity, though I was always spiritually content when I +saw or heard the latter preach; also, I thought it would not do +because of his many occupations. Our Lord said to me: "I will +cause him to hear and understand thee. Make thyself known unto +him; it will be some relief to thee in thy troubles." The latter +part was addressed to me, I think, because I was then so worn out +by the absence of God. His Majesty also said that He saw very +well the trouble I was in; but it could not be otherwise while I +lived in this land of exile: all was for my good; and he +comforted me greatly. So it has been: he comforts me, and seeks +opportunities to do so; he has understood me, and given me great +relief; he is a most learned and holy man. + +2. One day,--it was the Feast of the Presentation,--I was praying +earnestly to God for a certain person, and thinking that after +all the possession of property and of freedom was unfitting for +that high sanctity which I wished him to attain to; I reflected +on his weak health, and on the spiritual health which he +communicated to souls; and I heard these words: "He serves Me +greatly; but the great thing is to follow Me stripped of +everything, as I was on the cross. Tell him to trust in Me." +These last words were said because I thought he could not, with +his weak health, attain to such perfection. + +3. Once, when I was thinking of the pain it was to me to eat meat +and do no penance, I understood that there was at times more of +self-love in that feeling than of a desire for penance. + +4. Once, when I was in great distress because of my offences +against God, He said to me: "All thy sins in My sight are as if +they were not. For the future, be strong; for thy troubles are +not over." + +5. One day, in prayer, I felt my soul in God in such a way that +it seemed to me as if the world did not exist, I was so absorbed +in Him. He made me then understand that verse of the Magnificat, +"Et exultavit spiritus meus," so that I can never forget it. + +6. Once, when I was thinking how people sought to destroy this +monastery of the Barefooted Carmelites, and that they purposed, +perhaps, to bring about the destruction of them all by degrees, I +heard: "They do purpose it; nevertheless, they will never see it +done, but very much the reverse." + +7. Once, in deep recollection, I was praying to God for +Eliseus; [3] I heard this: "He is My true son; I will never fail +him," or to that effect; but I am not sure of the latter words. + +8. Having one day conversed with a person who had given up much +for God, and calling to mind that I had given up nothing for Him, +and had never served Him in anything, as I was bound to do, and +then considering the many graces He had wrought in my soul, I +began to be exceedingly weary; and our Lord said to me: "Thou +knowest of the betrothal between thee and Myself, and therefore +all I have is thine; and so I give thee all the labours and +sorrows I endured, and thou canst therefore ask of My Father as +if they were thine." Though I have heard that we are partakers +therein, [4] now it was in a way so different that it seemed as +if I had become possessed of a great principality; for the +affection with which He wrought this grace cannot be described. +The Father seemed to ratify the gift; and from that time forth I +look at our Lord's Passion in a very different light, as on +something that belongs to me; and that gives me +great comfort. [5] + +9. On the Feast of the Magdalene, when thinking of the great love +I am bound to have for our Lord, according to the words He spoke +to, me in reference to this Saint, and having great desires to +imitate her, our Lord was very gracious unto me, and said, I was +to be henceforward strong; for I had to serve Him more than I had +hitherto done. [6] He filled me with a desire not to die so +soon, that I might have the time to occupy myself therein; and I +remained with a great resolution to suffer. + +10. On one occasion, I understood how our Lord was in all things, +and how He was in the soul; and the illustration of a sponge +filled with water was suggested to me. + +11. When my brothers came,--and I owe so much to one of +them, [7]--I remained in conversation with him concerning his +soul and his affairs, which wearied and distressed me; and as I +was offering this up to our Lord, and thinking that I did it all +because I was under obligations to him, I remembered that by our +Constitutions [8] we are commanded to separate ourselves from our +kindred, and I was set thinking whether I was under any +obligation, our Lord said to me: "No, My daughter; the +regulations of the Order must be only in conformity with My law." +The truth is, that the end of the Constitutions is, that we are +not to be attached to our kindred; and to converse with them, as +it seems to me, is rather wearisome, and it is painful to have +anything to do with them. + +12. After Communion, on St. Augustine's Day, I understood, and, +as it were, saw,--I cannot tell how, unless it was by an +intellectual vision which passed rapidly away,--how the Three +Persons of the most Holy Trinity, whom I have always imprinted in +my soul, are One. This was revealed in a representation so +strange, and in a light so clear, that the impression made upon +me was very different from that which I have by faith. From that +time forth I have never been able to think of One of the Three +Divine Persons without thinking of the Three; so that to-day, +when I was considering how, the Three being One, the Son alone +took our flesh upon Him, our Lord showed me how, though They are +One, They are also distinct. These are marvels which make the +soul desire anew to be rid of the hindrances which the body +interposes between it and the fruition of them. Though this +passes away in a moment, there remains a gain to the soul +incomparably greater than any it might have made by meditation +during many years; and all without knowing how it happens. + +13. I have a special joy on the Feast of our Lady's Nativity. +When this day was come, I thought it would be well to renew our +vows; and thereupon I saw our Lady, by an illuminative vision; +and it seemed as if we made them before her and that they were +pleasing unto her. I had this vision constantly for some days, +and our Lady was by me on my left hand. One day, after +Communion, it seemed to me that my soul was really one with the +most Holy Body of our Lord, then present before me; and that +wrought a great work and blessing in me. + +14. I was once thinking whether I was to be sent to reform a +certain monastery; [9] and, distressed at it, I heard: "What art +thou afraid of? What canst thou lose?--only thy life, which thou +hast so often offered to Me. I will help thee." This was in +prayer, which was of such a nature as to ease my +soul exceedingly. + +15. Once, having a desire to render some service to our Lord, I +considered that I could serve Him but poorly, and said to myself: +"Why, O Lord, dost Thou desire my works?" And He answered: "To +see thy good will, My child." + +16. Once our Lord gave me light in a matter that I was very glad +to understand, and I immediately forgot it, so that I was never +able to call it again to mind; and so, when I was trying to +remember it, I heard: "Thou knowest now that I speak to thee from +time to time. Do not omit to write down what I say; for, though +it may not profit thee, it may be that it will profit others." +As I was thinking whether I, for my sins, had to be of use to +others, and be lost myself, He said to me: "Have no fear." + +17. I was once recollected in that companionship which I ever +have in my soul, and it seemed to me that God was present therein +in such a way that I remembered how St. Peter said: "Thou art +Christ, the Son of the living God;" [10] for the living God was +in my soul. This is not like other visions, for it overpowers +faith; so that it is impossible to doubt of the indwelling of the +Trinity in our souls, by presence, power, and essence. To know +this truth is of the very highest gain; and as I stood amazed to +see His Majesty in a thing so vile as my soul, I heard: "It is +not vile, My child, for it is made in My image." [11] I also +learnt something of the reason why God delights in souls more +than in any other creatures: it is so subtile that, though the +understanding quickly comprehended it, I cannot tell it. + +18. When I was in such distress, because of the troubles of our +father, [12] that I had no rest, and after Communion one day was +making most earnestly my petition to our Lord that, as He had +given him to me, I might not lose him, He said to me: "Have +no fear." + +19. Once, with that presence of the Three Persons which I have in +my soul, I was in light so clear that no doubt of the presence of +the true and living God was possible; and I then came to the +knowledge of things which afterwards I could not speak of. One of +these things was, how the person of the Son only took human +flesh. I cannot, as I have just said, explain it at all; for +some of these things were wrought in the secret recesses of the +soul, and the understanding seems to grasp them only as one who +is in his sleep, or half awake, thinks he comprehends what is +told him. I was thinking how hard it was to remain alive, seeing +that it was living on that robbed us of that marvellous +companionship; and so I said to myself: "O Lord, show me some way +whereby I may bear this life!" He said unto me: "Think, my +child, when life is over, thou canst not serve Me as thou art +serving Me now, and eat for Me, and sleep for Me. Whatsoever +thou doest, let it be done for Me as if thou wert no longer +living, but I; for that is what St. Paul said." [13] + +20. Once, after Communion, I saw how His Father within our soul +accepts the most Holy Body of Christ. I have understood and seen +how the Divine Persons are there, and how pleasing is this +offering of His Son, because He has His joy and delight in Him, +so to speak, here on earth; for it is not the Humanity only that +is with us in our, souls, but the Divinity as well, and thus is +it so pleasing and acceptable unto Him, and gives us graces so +great. I understood also that He accepts the sacrifice, though +the priest be in sin; but then the grace of it is not +communicated to his soul as it is to their souls who are in a +state of grace: not that the inflowings of grace, which proceed +from this Communion wherein the Father accepts the sacrifice, +cease to flow in their strength, but because of his fault who has +to receive them; as it is not the fault of the sun that it does +not illumine a lump of pitch, when its rays strike it as it +illumines a globe of crystal. If I could now describe it, I +should be better understood; it is a great matter to know this, +because there are grand secrets within us when we are at +Communion. It is sad that these bodies of ours do not allow us +to have the fruition thereof. + +21. During the Octave of All Saints, [14] I had two or three days +of exceeding anguish, the result of my remembrance of my great +sins, and I was also in great dread of persecutions, which had no +foundation except that great accusations were brought against me, +and all my resolutions to suffer anything for God failed me: +though I sought to encourage myself, and made corresponding acts, +and saw that all would be a great pain for me, it was to little +purpose, for the fear never left me. It was a sharp warfare. +I came across a letter, in which my good father [15] had written +that St. Paul said that our God does not suffer us to be tempted +beyond our power to bear. [16] This was a very great relief to +me, but was not enough; yea, rather, on the next day I was in +great distress at his absence, for I had no one to go to in this +trouble, for I seemed to be living in great loneliness. And it +added to my grief to see that I now find no one but he who can +comfort me, and he must be more than ever away, which is a very +sore trouble. + +22. The next night after this, reading in a book, I found another +saying of St. Paul, with which I began to be comforted; and being +slightly recollected, I remained thinking how I had our Lord +before present within me, so that I truly saw Him to be the +living God. While thinking on this He spoke to me, and I saw Him +in my inmost being, as it were beside my heart, in an +intellectual vision; His words were: "I am here, only I will have +thee see how little thou canst do without Me." I was on the +instant reassured, and my fears left me; and while at Matins that +very night our Lord Himself, in an intellectual vision so clear +as to seem almost imaginary, laid Himself in my arms, as He is +painted in the pictures of our Lady of Anguish. [17] The vision +made me very much afraid, for it was so clear, and so close to +me, that it made me think whether it was an illusion or not. +He said to me, "Be not afraid of it, for the union of My Father +with thy soul is incomparably closer than this." The vision has +remained with me till now. What I have said of our Lord +continued more than a month: now it has left me. + +23. I was one night in great distress, because it was then a long +time since I had heard anything of my father; [18] and, moreover, +he was not well the last time he wrote to me. However, my +distress was not so great as that I felt before, for I had hopes, +and distress like that I never was in since; but still my anxiety +hindered my prayer. He appeared to me on the instant; it could +not have been the effect of imagination, for I saw a light within +me, and himself coming by the way joyous, with a face all fair. +It must have been the light I saw that made his face fair, for +all the saints in heaven seem so; and I considered whether it be +the light and splendour proceeding from our Lord that render them +thus fair. I heard this: "Tell him to begin at once without +fear, for the victory is his." + +24. One day, after he came, when I was at night giving thanks to +our Lord for the many mercies He had given unto me, He said to +me: "O my child, what canst thou ask that I have not done?" + +25. Our Lord said to me one day, in the monastery of Veas, that I +was to present my petition to Him, for I was His bride. +He promised to grant whatever I might ask of Him, and, as a +pledge, gave me a very beautiful ring, with a stone set in it +like an amethyst, but of a brilliancy very unlike, which He put +on my finger. I write this to my own confusion, considering the +goodness of God, and my wretched life; for I have deserved hell. +Ah! my daughters, pray to God for me, and be devout to +St. Joseph, who can do much. This folly I write . . . folly +I write. . . . + +26. On the eve of St. Laurence, at Communion, I was so distracted +and dissipated in mind, that I had no power over it, and began to +envy those who dwell in desert places; thinking that, as they see +and hear nothing, they are exempt from distractions. I heard +this: "Thou art greatly deceived, My daughter; on the contrary, +the temptations of Satan are more violent there. Have patience +while life lasts, it cannot be helped." While dwelling on this, +I became suddenly recollected, and I saw a great light within me, +so that I thought I was in another world, and my spirit found +itself interiorly in a forest and in a garden of delights, which +made me remember those words of the Canticle: [19] "Veniat +dilectus meus in hortum suum." I saw my Eliseus [20] there, not +at all swarthy, but in strange beauty: around his head was a +garland of precious stones; a multitude of damsels went before +him with palms in their hands, all singing hymns of praise unto +God. I did nothing but open my eyes, to see whether I could not +distract myself from the vision, but that failed to divert my +attention; and I thought there was music also,--the singing of +birds and of angels,--which filled my soul with joy, though I did +not hear any. My soul was in joy, and did not consider that +there was nobody else there. I heard these words: "He has +merited to be among you, and all this rejoicing which thou +beholdest will take place on the day he shall set aside for the +honour of My Mother; [21] and do thou make haste, if thou wouldst +reach the place where he is." This vision lasted more than an +hour and a half. In this respect--differently from my other +visions--I could not turn away from it, and it filled me with +delight. The effect of the vision was a great affection for +Eliseus, and a more frequent thinking of him in that beauty. +I have had a fear of its being a temptation, for work of the +imagination it could not possibly be. [22] + +27. The day after the presentation of the Brief, [23] as I was in +the most eager expectation, which utterly disturbed me, so that I +could not even pray,--for I had been told that our father was in +great straits because they would not let him come away, and that +there was a great tumult,--I heard these words: "O woman of +little faith, be quiet; everything is going on perfectly well." +It was the Feast of the Presentation of our Lady, in the year +1575. I resolved within myself, if our Lady obtained from her +Son that we might see ourselves and our father free of these +friars, to ask him to order the solemn celebration of that feast +every year in our monasteries of the Barefooted Carmelites. +When I made this resolution, I did not remember what I had heard +in a former vision, that he would establish this solemnity. +Now, in reading again this little paper, I think this must be the +feast referred to. [24] + + +1. F. Yepes, then prior of St. Jerome's, Toledo (De la Fuente). + +2. Don Alonzo Velasquez, canon of Toledo, to whom Relation xi. is +addressed. The Saint speaks of this in a letter to Fra Gratian +in 1576. The letter is numbered 82 in the edition of Don +Vicente, and 23 in the fourth volume of the edition of Doblado. + +3. Fra Jerome Gratian (De la Fuente). + +4. 1 St. Peter iv. 13: "Communicantes Christi +passionibus, gaudete." + +5. This took place in 1575, when she was going to found her +monastery in Seville (Ribera, l. iv. c. v. n. 110). + +6. See § 4, above. + +7. This was in 1575, when the Saint was founding the monastery of +Seville; and the brother was Don Lorenzo, returned from the +Indies, and who now placed himself under the direction of his +sister (De la Fuente). + +8. In the Chapter "De la Clausura," § 16: "De tratar con deudos +se desvien lo mas que pudieren." + +9. The monastery of Paterna, of the unreformed Carmelites. +This was in 1576 (De la Fuente). + +10. St. Matt. xvi. 16: "Tu es Christus, Filius Dei vivi." + +11. Gen. i. 26: "Ad imaginem et similitudinem Nostram." + +12. Fra Jerome Gratian. This took place during the persecution +that fell on the reformed Carmelites at the end of the year 1575, +and during the following year. See the last paragraph of this +Relation (De la Fuente; see, also, Relation vi. § 1). + +13. Galat. ii. 20: "Vivo autem, jam non ego: vivit vero in +me Christus." + +14. A.D. 1577 (De la Fuente). + +15. Jerome Gratian (id.). + +16. 1 Cor. x. 13: "Fidelis autem Deus est qui non patietur vos +tentari supra id quod potestis." + +17. Don Vicente says, that here is a proof--if any were +wanting--that the Saint wrote this after her sojourn in Seville; +because in Avila and in Castile and Aragon the expression is, +"our Lady of Dolors;" while in Andalucia it is our Lady of +Anguish--"Nuestra Señora de las Angustias." + +18. Fra Jerome Gratian. + +19. Cant. v. 1. + +20. This was the name given to Fra Jerome Gratian, when the Saint +was driven, by the persecution raised against her, to distinguish +her friends by other designations than those by which they were +usually known: this fragment cannot have been written before the +year 1578 (De la Fuente). + +21. See the last section. + +22. Don Vicente published §§ 25 and 26 as fragments separately +(vol. i. pp. 524-526); but, as they seem to form a part of the +series of events spoken of in this Relation, they have been +placed here. + +23. Fra Jerome Gratian exhibited the brief which made him +Visitor-Apostolic to the unreformed Carmelites, who were very +angry thereat, and rude in their vexation. + +24. See § 26. + + + +Relation X. + + +Of a Revelation to the Saint at Avila, 1579, and of Certain +Directions Concerning the Government of the Order. + + +In St. Joseph of Avila, on Pentecost eve, in the hermitage of +Nazareth, thinking of one of the greatest graces our Lord had +given me on that day some twenty years before, [1] more or less, +my spirit was vehemently stirred and grew hot within me, [2] and +I fell into a trance. In that profound recollection I heard our +Lord say what I am now going to tell: I was to say to the +Barefooted Fathers, as from Him, that they must strive to observe +four things; and that so long as they observed them, the Order +would increase more and more; and if they neglected them, they +should know that they were falling away from their first estate. + +The first is, the superiors of the monasteries are to be of +one mind. + + +The second, even if they have many monasteries, to have but few +friars in each. + +The third, to converse little with people in the world, and that +only for the good of their souls. + +The fourth, to teach more by works than by words. + +This happened in the year 1579; and because it is a great truth, +I have put my name to it. + +Teresa de Jesús. + + +1. See Life, ch. xxxviii. § 11. + +2. Psalm xxxviii. 3: "Concaluit cor meum intra me." + + + +Relation XI. + + +Written from Palencia in May 1581, and Addressed to Don Alonzo +Velasquez, Bishop of Osma, Who Had Been, When Canon of Toledo, +One of the Saint's Confessors. [1] + + +Jesus. + +1. Oh, that I could clearly explain to your Lordship the peace +and quiet my soul has found! for it has so great a certainty of +the fruition of God, that it seems to be as if already in +possession, [2] though the joy is withheld. I am as one to whom +another has granted by deed a large revenue, into the enjoyment +and use of which he is to come at a certain time, but until then +has nothing but the right already given him to the revenue. +In gratitude for this, my soul would abstain from the joy of it, +because it has not deserved it; it wishes only to serve Him, even +if in great suffering, and at times it thinks it would be very +little if, till the end of the world, it had to serve Him who has +given it this right; for, in truth, it is in some measure no +longer subject, as before, to the miseries of this world; though +it suffers more, it seems as if only the habit were struck, for +my soul is, as it were, in a fortress with authority, and +accordingly does not lose its peace. Still, this confidence does +not remove from it its great fear of offending God, nor make it +less careful to put away every hindrance to His service, yea, +rather, it is more careful than before. But it is so forgetful +of its own interests as to seem, in some measure, to have lost +itself, so forgetful of self is it in this. Everything is +directed to the honour of God, to the doing of His will more and +more, and the advancement of His glory. + +2. Though this be so, yet, in all that relates to health and the +care of the body, it seems to me that I am more careful than I +was, that I mortify myself less in my food, and do fewer +penances: it is not so with the desires I had; they seem to be +greater. All this is done that I may be the better able to serve +God in other things, for I offer to Him very often, as a great +sacrifice, the care I take of my body, and that wearies me much, +and I try it sometimes in acts of mortification; but, after all, +this cannot be done without losing health, and I must not neglect +what my superiors command. Herein, and in the wish for health, +much self-love also must insinuate itself; but, as it seems to +me, I feel that it would give me more pleasure, and it gave me +more pleasure when I was strong, to do penance, for, at least, I +seemed to be doing something, and was giving a good example, and +I was free from the vexation which arises out of the fact that I +am not serving God at all. Your Lordship will see what it will +be best to do in the matter. + +3. The imaginary visions have ceased, but the intellectual vision +of the Three Persons and of the Sacred Humanity seems ever +present, and that, I believe, is a vision of a much higher kind; +and I understand now, so I think, that the visions I had came +from God, because they prepared my soul for its present state; +they were given only because I was so wretched and so weak: God +led me by the way which He saw was necessary; but they are, in my +opinion, of great worth when they come from God. + +4. The interior locutions have not left me, for, whenever it is +necessary, our Lord gives me certain directions; and now, in +Palencia, were it not for these, there would have been committed +a great blunder, though not a sin. [3] + +5. The acts and desires do not seem to be so vigorous as they +used to be, for, though they are great, I have one much greater +to see the will of God accomplished and His glory increased; for +as the soul is well aware that His Majesty knoweth what is +expedient herein, and is so far removed from all self-seeking, +these acts and desires quickly end, and, as it seems to me, have +no strength. Hence the fear I have at times though without +disquietude and pain as formerly, that my soul is dulled, and +that I am doing nothing, because I can do no penance; acts of +desire for suffering, for martyrdom, and of the vision of God, +have no strength in them, and, most frequently, I cannot make +them. I seem to live only for eating and drinking, and avoiding +pain in everything; and yet this gives me none, except that +sometimes, as I said before, I am afraid that this is a delusion; +but I cannot believe it, because so far as I can see, I am not +under the sway of any strong attachment to any created thing, not +even to all the bliss of heaven, but only to the love of God; and +this does not grow less,--on the contrary, I believe it is +growing, together with the longing that all men may serve Him. + +6. But, for all this, one thing amazes me: I have not the +feelings I had formerly, so strong and so interior, which +tormented me when I saw souls go to their ruin, and when I used +to think I had offended God. I cannot have these feelings now, +though I believe my desire that God be not sinned against is not +less than it was. + +7. Your Lordship must consider that in all this, in my present as +well as in my previous state, I can do no more, and that it is +not in my power to serve Him better: I might do so, if I were not +so wicked. I may say, also, that if I were now to make great +efforts to wish to die, I could not, nor can I make the acts I +used to make, nor feel the pains I felt for having offended God, +nor the great fears I had for so many years when I thought I was +under a delusion: and accordingly, I have no need of learned men, +or of speaking to anybody at all, only to satisfy myself that I +am going the right road now, and whether I can do anything. +I have consulted certain persons on this point, with whom I had +taken counsel on the others, with Fra Dominic [i.e., Bañes], the +Master Medina, and certain members of the Society. I will be +satisfied with the answer which you, my Lord, may give me, +because of the great trust I have in your Lordship. Consider it +carefully, for the love of God! Neither do I cease to learn that +certain souls of people connected with me when they died are in +heaven: of others I learn nothing. Oh, in what solitude I find +myself when I consider that the comparison of which I spoke to +you, concerning the return from Egypt, does not apply to the +child at my mother's breast. [4] + +8. I am at peace within; and my likings and dislikings have so +little power to take from me the Presence of the Three Persons, +of which, while it continues, it is so impossible to doubt, that +I seem clearly to know by experience what is recorded by +St. John, that God will make His dwelling in the soul: [5] and +not only by grace, but because He will have the soul feel that +presence, and it brings with it so many blessings, particularly +this, that there is no need to run after reflections to learn +that God is there. This is almost always the state I am in, +except when my great infirmities oppress me. Sometimes, God will +have me suffer without any inward comfort; but my will never +swerves--not even in its first movements--from the will of God. +This resignation to His will is so efficacious, that I desire +neither life nor death, except for some moments, when I long to +see God; and then the Presence of the Three Persons becomes so +distinct as to relieve the pain of the absence, and I wish to +live--if such be His good pleasure--to serve Him still longer. +And if I might help, by my prayers, to make but one soul love Him +more, and praise Him, and that only for a short time, I think +that of more importance than to dwell in glory. + +The unworthy servant and daughter of your Lordship, +Teresa de Jesús. + + +1. This Relation is usually printed among the letters of the +Saint, and Don Vicente did not change the practice, assigning as +his reason the Saint's reference in § 4 to certain transactions +in which she was engaged. The letter is the 333rd (336th in the +second edition), and the 4th of vol. ii., ed. Doblado, and is +probably the latest account of the state of her soul, for she +died on October 4 in the following year. + +2. See Inner Fortress, vii. ch. ii. + +3. This relates to the taking of the hermitage of our Lady de la +Calle, in Palencia (De la Fuente). See Foundations, ch. xxix. + +4. "La soledad que me hace pensar no se puede dar aquel sentido à +el que mama los pechos de mi madre, la ida de Egito!" +This passage, Don Vicente observes, was omitted in all editions +prior to his; he does not know what it means; and the translator +can give no corresponding English words. [Transcriber's note: +The Spanish quoted here was printed in the body of the text, +p. 479; English rendition supplied from Corrigenda, p. [viii].] + +5. St. John xiv. 23: "Mansionem apud eum faciemus." + + + + +Index. + + +Abecedario, Tercer, iv. 8. + +Agony in raptures, xx. 15. + +Ahumada, de, Antonio, iv. 1. + +Ahumada, de, Doña Beatriz, mother of St. Teresa, death of, i. 7; +seen in heaven by the Saint, xxxviii. 1. + +Ahumada, de, Juana, sister of the Saint, xxxiii. 13. + +Alcala, monastery founded in, xxxvi. 29, note. + +Alcantara. See St. Peter of Alcantara. + +Almsgiving of the Saint, i. 6, Rel. ii. 3. + +Alvarez, F. Baltasar, xxiv. 6, xxv. 18; mortifies the Saint, +xxvi. 4; humility of, xxviii. 20; promise of, to protect the +Saint, xxviii. 21; always consoled the Saint, xxix. 5; hesitates +about the new foundation, xxxii. 16; commands the Saint to +abandon it, xxxiii. 4; orders her to proceed, xxxiii. 13. + +Alvarez, F. Rodrigo, Rel. viii. + +Amendment of life, the work of prayer, viii. 6-12. + +Amusements, vii. 1, Rel. i. 14. + +Angels and evil spirits, vision of, xxxi. 11. + +Angel, the Saint's vision of the, xxix. 16-18. + +Answers to the Saint's prayers, xxxix. 1-7. + +Antony, St., of Padua, xxii. 10. + +Aranda, de, Don Gonzalo, xxxvi. 18. + +Aridity, how it comes on in the second state of prayer, xv. 15. + +Art, the, of serving God, xii. 2. + +Ascent of the Mount, xxiii. 13. + +Assumption, the, vision of, xxxix. 37. + +Attachments, evil effects of worldly, xi. 5; xxiii. 5. + +Augustin, St., Confessions of, ix. 8; effect of reading them on +the Saint, ix. 9; saying of, xiii. 4. + +Avila, birthplace of St. Teresa, troubled by the new foundation: +xxxvi. 14. + +Avila, Bl., Juan of, Rel. vii. 9. + +Báñes, Fr. Dom., xxxvi. 15; transmits the Saint's writings to the +Inquisition, Rel. vii. 16. + +Barrientos. See Martin. + +Barron, Fra Vicente, confessor of the Saint's father, vii. 26; +hears the confession of the Saint, vii. 27, xix. 19. + +Beauty of our Lord, xxviii. 2, xxix. 2, xxxvii. 5; +unimaginable, xxviii. 7. + +Beginners, must toil, xi. 13; and persevere, xi. 15-17; not to be +afraid of the cross, xi. 25; must be content, xii. 2; certain +temptations of, vii. 16, xiii. 9; must begin humbly, xv. 19. + +Bernard, St., xxii. 10. + +Betrothal spiritual, of the Saint, Rel. ix. 8, 25. + +Bird, the soul likened to a, xviii. 13, xix. 22. + +Bishopric, a, the Saint consulted about the acceptance of, +xl. 21. + +Blessed, the, joys of, x. 3. + +Blindness healed through the prayer of the Saint, xxxix. 1. + +Body, the, shares the joy of the soul in certain states of +prayer, xvii. 14, xviii. 15; state of, in raptures, xx. 2, 4, 23; +our Lord seen by the Saint always in His glorified, xxix. 4. + +Book, a living, xxvi. 6. + +Books insufficient without a director, xxii. 3. + +Borja, de, St. Francis. See Francis. + + +Brief, the, sanctioning the observances of St. Joseph's, +xxxiv. 2, xxxvi. 1, xxxix. 20. + +Brizeño, Doña Maria, ii. 12; influences the Saint, iii. 1. + +Bulls, the Sabbatine, xxxviii. 40. + +Cardona, de, Doña Catalina, Rel. iii. 12. + +Carmel, the Order of, vision concerning, Rel. iii. 14; advice to, +Rel. x. + +Caterpillar of self-respect, xxxi. 24. + +Catherine, St., of Siena, xxii. 10. + +Censoriousness of the world, xxxi. 19. + +Cepeda, de, Alfonso Sanchez, father of the Saint, fond of +spiritual books, i. 1; gives his daughter Maria in marriage, +ii. 4, note, 8; places the Saint at school in a monastery, ii. 8; +would not consent to her becoming a nun, iii. 9; takes her to +Bezadas to be cured, v. 5, 6; brings her to his house in Avila, +v. 15; hinders her from making her confession in an illness, +v. 17; persuaded by the Saint to practise mental prayer, vii. 16; +makes progress therein, vii. 20; holy death of, vii. 22-25; seen +in heaven by the Saint, xxxviii. 1. + +Cepeda, de, Don Lorenzo, finds money for the new monastery of +St. Joseph, xxxiii. 13. + +Cepeda, de, Maria, sister of the Saint, ii. 4; sudden death of, +xxxiv. 24; seen in heaven by the Saint, xxxiv. 25. + +Cerda, de la, Doña Luisa, xxxiv. 1; attracted by the Saint, +xxxiv. 4; visited by St. Peter of Alcantara, xxxv. 6; tries to +amuse the Saint by showing her diamonds, xxxviii. 5; the Saint's +watchfulness over herself in the house of, xxxix. 11. + +Cheerfulness, importance of, xii. 1. + +Cherubim, xxix. 16. + +Choice of a director, xiii. 28, 29. + +Church, the, ceremonies of, xxxi. 4; the Saint's reverence for, +xxxiii. 6. + +Clare, St., encourages the Saint, xxxiii. 15. + +Comforts, worldly, the Saint's fear of, xxxiv. 4. + +Communion, effects of the Saint's, xvi. 3-10, xviii. 10-18, +xxx. 16, xxxviii. 24, Rel. iv. 5, Rel. ix. 13; the Saint's +longing for, xxxix. 31; graces of, Rel. ix. 20. + +Complaint, loving, of the Saint, xxxvii. 13. + +Confession, frequent, of the Saint, v. 17; matter of, Rel. v. 11. + +Confessors, the Saint's difficulty in finding, iv. 8, 13; harm +done by ill-instructed, v. 6, 20, vi. 6; one of them misleads the +Saint, viii. 15; unskilful, xx. 28; wrong counsel of, xxvi. 5; of +the Saint harsh with her, xxx. 15; obedience of the Saint to her, +xxiii. 19, xxxiii. 4, 5, Rel, i. 9; the Saint rebuked for her +affection to her, xxxvii. 6; names of the Saint's, Rel. vii. 5, +11, 12, 13. + +Consecration, power of the words of, xxxviii. 30. + +Consolations, xi. 21; not to be sought for, xxii. 15. + +Contemplation, xxii. 1; why granted to imperfect souls, +xxii. 22, 23. + +Contempt, Satan shuns, xxxi. 10; the Saint directed to treat her +visions with, xxix. 6. + +Contradiction of good people, xxviii. 24, xxx. 6. + +Conversation, worldly, vii. 10; danger of, ii. 5, vii. 10; +delight of our Lord in spiritual, xxxiv. 20. + +Conversion of a wicked priest, v. 12; of a sinner, xxxix. 5. + +Courage of the Saint, viii. 10; necessity of, x. 8; effects of, +xiii. 3; necessary in the way of perfection, xxxi. 19. + +Covetousness, xxxiii. 14. + +Cowardice, spiritual, xiii. 6. + +Creator, the, traces of, in things visible, ix. 6. + +Crosses, xi. 8; desired by souls in the prayer of imperfect +union, xvi. 9. + +Cross, the, way of, xi. 8, xv. 17, 21; necessity of carrying, +xxvii. 14. + +Daza, Gaspar, xxiii. 6; thought the Saint was deluded by an evil +spirit, xxiii. 16; approved of the new foundation, xxxii. 21. + +Delusion, a, into which the Saint fell, xxii. 3; the Saint always +prayed to be delivered from, xxix. 6. + +Delusions incidental to locutions, xxv. 3, 11. + +Desires, good, xiii. 8, xxi. 9, Rel. xi. 5. + +Desolation, spiritual, of the Saint, xxx. 10. + +Detachment, blessing of, xi. 2, xxxiv. 20; necessity of, for +prayer, xi. 16, xv. 17; of the perfect, xv. 18; an effect of +raptures, xviii. 8, xx. 10; takes away the fear of death, +xxxviii. 7; the Saint's, from kindred, xxxi. 22, Rel. ii. 5, +Rel. ix. 11; from directors, Rel. iv. 3. + +Detraction, avoided by the Saint, vi. 4, vii. 3; insensibility +to, Rel. ii. 4. + +Detractors, the Saint prays for her, xix. 11. + +Devotion, sweetness in, never asked for by the Saint, ix. 10; but +once, ix. 11; those who seek it censured, xi. 21; the Saint's, +increased by difficulties, xxviii. 10. + +Die, either to, or suffer, xl. 27. + +Direction, unskilful, viii. 15, 16; importance of, xiii. 4; +methods of wrong, xiii. 25; not to be the same for all, +xxxix. 16. + +Directors ought to be experienced, xiii. 21; and prudent, +xiii. 24; and learned, xiii. 26; choice of, xiii. 28; charity of, +xiii. 29; should be secret, xxiii. 14; and humble, xxxiv. 15; +should be trusted, xxxix. 35; necessary, xl. 12; the Saint +preferred those who distrusted her, Rel. vii. 18. + +Discouragements, xi. 15; must be resisted, xix. 6; certain causes +of, xxxi. 21. + +Discretion, xi. 23, xiii. 2; excessive, xiii. 8. + +Distraction of the understanding in the prayer of quiet, xv. 10, +xxx. 19; in monasteries not caused by poverty, xxxv. 3. + +Distrust of self, viii. 18, ix. 3; necessity of, xix. 20. + +"Domine, da mihi aquam," xxx. 24. + +Dominicans, the, help St. Teresa, v. 8, Rel. vii. 11-14. + +Dominion, true, xl. 21. + +Dove, vision of a, xxxviii. 13, 14. + +Ecija, vow of the Saint in the hermitage of, Rel. vi. 3. + +Ecstasy, xx. 1; how wrought, xx. 2; fear during, xx. 9; first, of +the Saint, xxiv. 7. + +Egypt, flesh-pots of, xv. 5. + +Elevation of the spirit not to be attempted in union, xviii. 8. + +Eliseus. See Jerome, Fra, of the Mother of God. + +Enclosure, observance of, how important, vii. 5. + +Endowments not accepted by the Saint for her monasteries, +xxxv. 4, 5; offered for St. Joseph, xxxvi. 19; and forbidden by a +Brief, xxxix. 20. + +Envy, a holy, xxxix. 19. + +Exorcisms, the Saint threatened with, Boll. 211, xxix. 4. + +Experience, more valuable than books, xiv. 10; a safeguard +against delusion, xiv. 11. + +Faith, the, Satan was never able to make the Saint doubt, +xix. 13; blessed effects of, xxv. 16. + +Falls turn to our good, xix. 8. + +Fear, xxv. 27; of God, xxvi. 1. + +Founders of religious Orders, xxxii. 17. + +Francis, St., xxii. 10. + +Francis, St., de Borja visits the Saint, xxiv. 4; consulted by +her, Rel. vii. 5. + +Friendship, advantages of spiritual, vii. 33-37, xxx. 6; with +God, xv. 8; the Saint's detachment from, xxiv. 8. + +Friendship, worldly, dangers of, ii. 4, v. 9; deceitfulness of, +xxi. 1. + +Garden, the prayer in the, ix. 5; the soul likened to a, xi. 10, +xiv. 13. + +Gifts of God, the, importance of discerning, x. 4; demand our +gratitude, x. 7; supply strength, x. 8; a grace to understand, +xvii. 7; the Saint erroneously advised to conceal, xxvi. 5; given +according to His will, xxxiv. 14, xxxix. 12; the Saint's joy when +others received, xxxiv. 21. + +God, sense of the presence of, x. 1; helps those who love Him, +xi. 19; never fails those who trust Him, xiii. 15; munificence +of, xviii. 5; the Saint has a vision of, xl. 13, 14; pain of +absence from, Rel. iv. 6. + +Grace, prayer the door of, viii. 13; comes after trials, xi. 18; +the Saint's distress because she could not know whether she was +in a state of, xxxiv. 12; vision of a soul in, Rel. iii. 13. + +Guzman, de, y Barrientos, Don Martin, sudden death of, xxxiv. 24. + +Hardships of the religious life, xiii. 30. + +Health, anxiety about, v. 3-8; importance of, in the spiritual +life, xi. 23; to be made little of, xiii. 9. + +Heaven, Queen of, xix. 9; revealed in raptures, xxxiii. 16, +xxxviii. 8. + +Hell, a vision of, xxx. 14, xxxii. 1; effects of, on the Saint, +xxxii. 7-10. + +Heretics, self-condemned, vii. 8; evil state of, xxxii. 9; +resemble a broken mirror, xl. 9. + +Hilarion, St., the Saint commends herself to, xxvii. 2. + +Honour, point of, xxi. 12. + +Hugo, Fra, Cardinal of Santa Sabina, xxxvi. 27. + +Humanity, the Sacred, xii. 3, xxii. 1; mistake of the Saint +concerning, xxii. 3; source of all grace, xxii. 9; never to be +lost sight of in prayer, xxii. 11; the Saint directed to fix her +thoughts on, xxiii. 18; the Saint renews her love of, xxiv. 2; +vision of, xxviii. 4, xxxviii. 22. + +Humility, advantages of, vii. 37, xii. 9; false kinds of, x. 4, +xiii. 4; the foundation of the Christian life, xii. 5; worth more +than all the science in the world, xv. 13; grows most in the +state of perfect union, xix. 2; dangers of false, xix. 15-23; +acquired in raptures, xx. 38; foundation of prayer must be laid +in, xxii. 16; a false, the most crafty device of Satan, xxx. 12; +asking for consolations not consistent with, xxxix. 21-23. + +Hypocrisy, the Saint not tempted to, vii. 2, Rel. i. 18. + +Ibañez, Fra Pedro, x. 10, note, xvi. 10; note 6; consulted by the +Saint about the new foundation, xxxii. 19; encourages the Saint +to persevere, xxxii. 20; confident of success, xxxiii. 5; departs +from Avila, xxxiii. 7; advises the Saint to accept an endowment +for the new foundation, xxxv. 5; changes his opinion, xxxv. 7; +and helps the Saint, xxxvi. 23; seen by the Saint in a vision, +xxxviii. 15, 16. + +Illness of St. Teresa, iv. 6, v. 4; extreme severity of, v. 14. + +Image of our Lord not to be mocked, xxix. 7. + +Images, devotion of the Saint to, vii. 3; effects of, on her, +ix. 1-3; great blessing of, ix. 7. + +Imagination of St. Teresa not active, ix. 6; wearisome to her, +xvii. 9. + +Imitation of the Saints, xiii. 5-9. + +Imperfections, rooting up of, xiv. 14. + +Impetuosities in prayer, xxix. 11-13, Rel. i. 3, Rel. viii. 13. + +Impetuosities of divine love, xxix. 10, 11, 13, xxxiii. 9; +physical effects of, xxix. 15. + +Incarnation, the monastery of the, the Saint enters, iv. 1; the +nuns of, complain of the Saint, xix. 12; the Saint tempted to +leave, xxxi. 16; the rule not strictly observed in, xxxii. 12; +the Saint's affection for, xxxii. 13, xxxiii. 3; nuns of, object +to the new foundation, xxxiii. 2; election of prioress, xxxv. 8; +the Saint returns to, from Toledo, xxxv. 10, xxxvi. 1; troubled +because of the new foundation, xxxvi. 11. + +Indisposition, bodily, evil effects of, on the spiritual life, +xi. 23. + +Ingratitude, delusion arising from the dread of, xxiv. 6; the +Saint bewails her, xiv. 16. + +Inquisition, the, threats of denouncing the Saint to, xxxiii. 6. + +Inspirations, good, not to be resisted, iv. 3. + +Intentions, good, no excuse for an evil act, v. 12. + +Jerome, Fra, of the Mother of God, Rel. vi. 1-3, Rel. ix. 7, 21, +23, 26. + +Jerome, St., xi. 17, xxxviii. 2; the Saint reads the letters of, +iii. 8. + +Jesus, the Society of, helps the Saint, v. 8; sought by her, +xxiii. 3, 19; visions concerning, xxxviii. 17, 39. + +Job, patience of, v. 16; trial of, xxx. 12. + +John, St., of the Cross, Rel. iii. 19. + +Joseph, St., great devotion of the Saint to, vi. 9, xxx. 8, +xxxvi. 5; the teacher of prayer, vi. 12; encourages the Saint, +xxxiii. 14; vision of, xxxiii. 16. + +Joseph, St., the monastery of, purchase of the site of, +xxxii. 22; not to be subject to the Order, xxxiii. 18; paradise +of God's delight, xxxv. 13; foundation of, xxxvi. 4; destruction +of, threatened by the council of the city, xxxvi. 14; obtains the +good will of the people, xxxvi. 25; goodness of the nuns of, +xxxix. 14. + +Joys, of prayer, x. 3; of visions, xxvii. 13; of the saved, +xxvii. 15. + +Judas, temptation of, xix. 16. + +Judgment, day of, xl. 16. + +Kindred, detachment from, xxxi. 22, Rel. ix. 11. + +Kings, obligations of, xxi. 2, 4; wherein lies the power of, +xxxvii. 8. + +Labourer, story of a, xxxviii. 26. + +Laxity in religious houses, vii. 6-10. + +Learning, accompanied with humility, a help to prayer, xii. 6; +useful in directors, xiii. 24-26; the Saint wishes for, xiv. 9; +not necessary in prayer, xv. 12. + +Lie, a, Satan is, xxv. 26; the Saint's hatred of, xxviii. 6. + +Life, the, of the Saint, under what circumstances written, x. 11. + +Life, weariness of, xxi. 8; the illuminative, xxii. 1. + +Light of visions, xxviii. 7, xxxviii. 3. + +Locutions, divine, xix. 14, xxv. 1, 2; delusions incidental to, +xxv. 3, 11; efficacy of, xxv. 5, 12; human, xxv. 8; Satanic, +xxv. 13; tests of the Satanic, xxv. 17; nature of, xxvi. 3; state +of the understanding during, xxvii. 10; effects of the divine, +xxxviii. 19-21. + +Locutions heard by the Saint, xviii. 18, xix. 13, xxiv. 7, +xxv. 22, xxvi. 3, 6, xxix. 7, xxx. 17, xxxi. 15, xxxii. 17, +xxxiii. 10, 14, xxxv. 7, 9, xxxvi. 20, xxxviii. 4, 19, 20, +xxxix. 29, 34, xl. 1, 21, 24, Rel. iii. 1, passim, Rel. iv. 4, 5, +6, Rel. ix. 1, passim. + +Lord, our, accounted mad, xxvii. 15. + +Love, joyous, in seeing a picture of Christ, ix. 7; servants of, +xi. 1; wherein it consists, xi. 20; vehement in perfect souls, +xv. 6; effects of divine, xxii. 21; makes itself known without +words, xxvii. 12; impetuosities of, xxix. 10, 11; fire of, +xxx. 25. + +Loyalty, worldly, v. 9. + +Ludolf of Saxony, xxxviii. 11. + +Lukewarmness, vii. 1. + +Lutherans, xxxii. 9, Rel. ii. 14; destroyers of images, +Rel. v. 5. + +Madness, spiritual, xvi. 1-8, xxvii. 15. + +Magdalene, the, ix. 2, xxi. 9; her example to be followed, +xxii. 19. + +Mancio, F., Rel. ii. 18. + +Mantles of the religious folded by the Saint, xxxi. 27. + +Maria of Jesus, xxxv. 1; founds a house in Alcala de Henares, +xxxvi. 29. + +Martin, Don, Guzman y Barrientos, marries a sister of the Saint, +ii. 4, note, iii. 4; sudden death of, xxxiv. 24. + +Martyrdom desired by the Saint, i. 4. + +Martyrs, the, sufferings of, xvi. 6. + +Mary and Martha, xvii. 6, xxii. 13. + +Meditation, advantage of, iv. 11; fruits of, xi. 20; example of +a, xiii. 19; the perfect may have to return to, xv. 20. + +Memory, the, in the prayer of imperfect union, xvii. 5, 9; +troublesome, but not hurtful, xvii. 11. + +Mendoza, de, Don Alvaro, Bishop of Avila, xxxiii. 19; protects +the new monastery of St. Joseph, xxxvi. 18. + +Men, great, difficult of access, xxxvii. 7. + +Mercies of God, the remembrance of, xv. 23. + +Michael, St., the Saint commends herself to, xxvii. 2. + +Misdirection, a, corrected by the Saint, xiii. 22. + +Mitigation, the Bull of, xxxii. 12; disused in the new monastery, +xxxvi. 27, 28. + +Monasteries, courts in politeness, xxxvii. 17. + +Munificence of God, xviii. 5, xxii. 26. + +Neatness, excessive, ii. 2, Rel. i. 23. + +Novices in St. Joseph's, xxxix. 15. + +Novitiate of the Saint, v. 1. + +Nun, illness of a, in the monastery of the Incarnation, v. 3; +visions concerning a, xxxviii. 37, 38. + +Obedience, the Saint writes under, xviii. 10; strict observance +of, in the Society of Jesus, xxxiii. 9; of the Saint to her +confessors, xxiii. 19, Rel. i. 9, 29, Rel. vii. 14. + +Objects, natural, moved the Saint to devotion, ix. 6. + +Ocampo, de, Mary, xxxii. 13, note. + +Office, the divine, the Saint's imperfect knowledge of, xxxi. 26. + +Order, vision concerning a certain, xl. 18, 19. + +Osorno, Countess of, Rel. iii. 16. + +Ovalle, de, Don Juan, xxxv. 14, note; providential illness of, +xxxvi. 2. + +Padranos, de, Juan, xxiii. 18; directs the Saint, xxiv. 1; +removed from Avila, xxiv. 5. + +Pain of raptures, xx. 11; sweetness of, xx. 19. + +Paradise of His delight, xxxv. 13. + +"Passer solitarius," xx. 13. + +Passion, the, devotion of the Saint to, ix. 5; meditation on, +xiii. 19, 20, xxii. 8. + +Patience of a nun, v. 3; of the Saint, v. 16; of God, viii. 8. + +Penance, necessity of, xxvii. 14; of the Saint, xxiv. 2, +Rel. i. 5, Rel. ii. 11, Rel. xi. 2. + +Perfection, xxi. 10; true safety lies in, xxxv. 15; not always +attained to because of many years spent in prayer, xxxix. 21. + +Persecution, of the Saint, xix. 12, xxxvi. 12; blessings of, +xxxiii. 5. + +Perseverance in prayer, viii. 5; fruits of, xi. 6; reward of, +certain, xi. 17; the Saint prays for, xiv. 17; and recommends, +xix. 7. + +Peter, St., of Alcantara, xxvii. 4; penitential life of, +xxvii. 17-21, xxx. 2; power of, with God, xxvii. 22; understands +and comforts the Saint, xxx. 5, 7, Rel. vii. 6; quiets a scruple +of the Saint, xxx. 20; approves of the new foundation, xxxii. 16; +and of the observance of poverty in it, xxxv. 6; in Avila when +the Saint came back from Toledo, xxxvi. 1; death of, xxxvi. 1, +note; appears to the Saint, xxxvi. 20, 21; said that women make +greater progress than men, xl. 12. + +Phoenix, the, xxxix. 33. + +Pilgrims, xxxviii. 8. + +Pillar, the, meditations on Christ at, xiii. 19, 31. + +Politeness, monasteries courts in, xxxvii. 17. + +Poverty, effects of defective, xi. 3; of spirit, xxii. 17; the +Saint's love of, xxxv. 3, Rel. i. 10, Rel. ii. 2. + +Prayer, mental, viii. 7; blessings of, viii. 12; joys of, x. 3; +the Saint's four states of, xi. 12; fruit of mental, xi. 20; +vocal, xii. 3; doctrine of, difficult, xiii. 18; importance of +persevering in, xv. 5; must have its foundations in humility, +xxii. 16; of the Saint continued in sleep, xxix. 9; effects of +intercessory, xxxi. 9; two kinds of, xxxix. 8-10; the Saint's +method of, Rel. i. 1. + +Preachers, xvi. 12. + +Presence of God, the, xviii. 20; practice of the, xii. 3; effects +of, in the prayer of quiet, xiv. 8; different from vision, +xxvii. 6. + +Priest, conversion of an evil-living, v. 9, xxxi. 7; vision +concerning a, xxxviii. 29. + +Progress made in the way of raptures, xxi. 11. + +Prophecies made to the Saint, xxxiv. 23; fulfilled, +Rel. ii. 6, 17. + +Provincial, the, of the Carmelites offers to accept the new +foundation, xxxii. 16; then declines it, xxxii. 18; sends the +Saint to Toledo, xxxiv. 2; recalls her, xxxv. 8; reprimands the +Saint, xxxvi. 12; allows the Saint to live in the new monastery, +xxxvi. 23; death of, xxxviii. 34-36. + +Purgatory, the Saint saw certain souls who were not sent to, +xxxviii. 41; and delivers others from, xxxix. 6. + +Queen of heaven, the, devotion to, xix. 9. + +Quiet, the prayer of, iv. 9, ix. 6, xiv. 1, passim; disturbed by +the memory and the understanding, xiv. 5; joy of the soul in, +xiv. 7; few souls pass beyond, xv. 3, 7; great fruits of, xv. 6; +how the soul is to order itself in, xv. 9; difference between the +true and false, xv. 15. + +Rank, slavery of, xxxiv. 6. + +Rapture, xx. 1; irresistible, xx. 3, xxii. 20; effects of, xx. 9, +30; pain of, xx. 11; loneliness of the soul in, xx. 13; +characteristics of, xx. 23; duration of, xx. 25; physical effects +of, xx. 29, Rel. i. 26, iv. 1; made the Saint long for heaven, +xxxviii. 8; good effects of, Rel. i. 8, 15. + +Reading, spiritual, i. 1, iv. 12, 13; persevered in by the Saint, +viii. 14; long unprofitable to her, xii. 10; impossible in the +prayer of perfect union, xviii. 14; a delight, Rel. i. 7. + +Recollection, prayer of, xiv. 2, Rel. viii. 3. + +Recreation, xiii. 1. + +Reflections, making, when dangerous in prayer, xv. 11. + +Reform, the Carmelite, beginning of, xxxii. 13. + +Religious must despise the world, xxvii. 16. + +Resignation of the Saint, xxi. 6, Rel. i. 20. + +Revelations, the Saint never spoke of her, when she consulted her +confessors, xxxii. 19. + +Rosary, the, of the Saint, xxix. 8. + +Rule, the Carmelite, mitigation of, xxxii. 12; restored by the +Saint, xxxvi. 27; observance of, xxxvi. 30, 31. + +Salasar, de, Angel. See Provincial. + +Salazar, de, Gaspar, Rector of the Society of Jesus in Avila, +xxxiii. 9; understands the state of the Saint, xxxiii. 11; bids +the Saint go to Toledo, xxxiv. 2; vision of the Saint concerning, +xxxviii. 17. + +Salcedo, de, Don Francisco, xxiii. 6; gives spiritual advice to +the Saint, xxiii. 11; fears delusions, xxiii. 12; helps the Saint +in her new foundation, xxxii. 21, xxxvi. 21; hospitable, +xxxvi. 1; gives Communion to the Saint when a priest, +Rel. iii. 7. + +Samaria, the woman of, xxx. 24. + +Satan, subtlety of, iv. 14; an artifice of, vii. 12, 35; suggests +a false humility, xiii. 5; and a carefulness for health, xiii. 9; +afraid of learned directors who are humble, xiii. 26; efforts of, +to deceive, how thwarted, xv. 16; tempted the Saint to give up +prayer, xix. 8; a lie, xxv. 26; unable to counterfeit +intellectual visions, xxvii. 4-8; tries to counterfeit imaginary +visions, xxviii. 15; appears to the Saint, xxxi. 2; dislikes +contempt, xxxi. 10; wiles of, Rel. i. 29. + +Scandal, xxvii. 16. + +Scorn, signs of, not to be made during visions, xxix. 6. + +Self, contempt of, necessary in the spiritual life, xxxi. 23. + +Self-denial, necessity of, xxxi. 25. + +Self-knowledge, xiii. 23. + +Self-love, xi. 2; strong and hurtful, xi. 4, 5. + +Self-respect, harm of, xxi. 12. + +Senses, the, suspension of, in the prayer of perfect union, +xviii. 19. + +Sensitiveness, xi. 4. + +Sermons, viii. 17; without simplicity, xvi. 12. + +Shame, good fruits of, v. 9. + +Sicknesses of the Saint, xxx. 9. + +Sickness sent for penance, xxiv. 2. + +Sight restored at the prayer of the Saint, xxxix. 1. + +Sincerity of the Saint, Rel. i. 28. + +Sin, occasions of, viii. 14; pain occasioned by the sins of +others, xiii. 14; original, xxx. 20; the Saint, by her prayers, +hinders a great, xxxix. 3; wickedness of, xl. 15; vision of a +soul in, Rel. iii. 13. + +Sins, the Saint consents to the divulging of her, x. 10. + +Solitude, longings for, i. 6, vi. 5, Rel. i. 6. + +Sorcery, v. 10. + +Soto, de, the Inquisitor, Rel. vii. 8. + +Soul, our own, the first object, xiii. 13, 14; likened to a +garden, xi. 10, xiv. 13; in the prayer of quiet, xv. 1; growth +of, xv. 20; powers of, in the prayer of imperfect union, xvi. 1, +4; beside itself, xvi. 1-5; crucifixion of, in raptures, xx. 14; +detachment of the enraptured, xx. 33; strengthened in raptures, +xxi. 14; effects of visions in, xxvii. 11; helplessness of, +without God, xxxvii. 11; vision of a lost soul, xxxviii. 31; the +Saint's vision of her own, xl. 8; and of, in a state of grace, +Rel. iii. 13, Rel. v. 6. + +Spirit, liberty of, xi. 25; poverty of, xxii. 17; flight of the, +xviii. 8, Rel. viii. 11. + +Spirits, evil, put to flight, xxv. 25; by holy water, xxxi. 4. + +Spirituality influenced by bodily health, xi. 24. + +Suarez, Juana, iii. 2; accompanies the Saint to Bezadas, iv. 6. + +Sufferings, physical, of the Saint, iv. 7, v. 4, 14, vi. 1; of +raptures, xx. 16; the Saint longs for, xl. 27. + +Sweetness, spiritual, never sought by the Saint but once, ix. 11; +seekers of, censured, xi. 21; of the pain of raptures, xx. 19; +the Saint unable to resist it at times, xxiv. 1. + +Tears, gift of, iv. 8, xxix. 11; of the Saint before a picture of +the Passion, ix. 1; in the prayer of quiet, xiv. 5; in the prayer +of perfect union, xix. 1, 2; the Saint prays God to accept her, +xix. 10. + +Temptation, power of, xxx. 13. + +Tenderness of soul, x. 2. + +Teresa, St., desires martyrdom, i. 4; placed in a monastery, +ii. 8; unwilling to become a nun, ii. 10; becomes more fervent, +iii. 2; is resolved to follow her vocation, iii. 6; first +fervours of, iv. 2; failure of health, iv. 6; God sends her an +illness, v. 4; suffers grievously, vi. 1; afraid of prayer, +vi. 5; leads her father to prayer, vii. 16; present at her +father's death, vii. 22; perseveres in prayer, viii. 2; found it +hard to pray, viii. 10; delights in sermons, viii. 17; devout to +the Magdalene, ix. 2; never doubted of God's mercy, ix. 8; +depreciates herself, x. 9; willing to have her sins divulged, +x. 10; always sought for light, x. 13; complains of her memory, +xi. 9; unable to explain the state of her soul, xii. 10; +supernaturally enlightened, xii. 11; reads books on prayer to no +purpose, xiv. 10; writes with many hindrances, xiv. 12, xl. 32; +bewails her ingratitude, xiv. 16; scarcely understood a word of +Latin, xv. 12; understands her state in the prayer of imperfect +union, xvi. 3; and describes it, xvi. 6; bewails her +unworthiness, xviii. 6; writes under obedience, xviii. 10; +confesses ignorance, xviii. 20; abandons her prayers for a time, +xix. 8; evil spoken of, xix. 12; misled by false humility, +xix. 23; prays to be delivered from raptures, xx. 5, 6; never +cared for money, xx. 34; gives up her whole being to God, xxi. 7; +unable to learn from books, xxii. 3; afraid of delusions, +xxiii. 3; is directed by a layman, xxiii. 10; severe to herself, +xxiv. 2; her first ecstasy, xxiv. 7; had no visions before the +prayer of union, xxv. 14; told by her confessor that she was +deluded by Satan, xxv. 18; prays to be led by a different +spiritual way, xxv. 20, xxvii. 3, Rel. vii. 7; not afraid of +Satan, xxv. 27; spoken against, xxvi. 3; troubles of, because of +visions, xxvii. 4, xxviii. 6; her defence when told that her +visions were false, xxviii. 18, 19; afraid nobody would hear her +confession, xxviii. 20; harshly judged by her directors, +xxviii. 23; would not exchange her visions for all the pleasures +of the world, xxix. 5; vehemence of her love, xxix. 10; her +supernatural wound, xxix. 17; manifests her spiritual state to +St. Peter of Alcantara, xxx. 4; bodily trials of, xxx. 17; finds +no relief in exterior occupations, xxx. 18; buffeted by Satan, +xxxi. 3; converts a great sinner, xxxi. 7; troubled because well +thought of, xxxi. 13-17; her singing of the Office, xxxi. 26; +commanded to labour for the reform of her Order, xxxii. 14; +commanded to abandon her purpose, xxxiii. 1; her vision in the +Dominican church, Avila, xxxiii. 16; goes to Toledo, xxxiv. 3; +the nuns wish to have her as their Prioress, xxxv. 8; restores a +child to life, xxxv. 14, note; begins the Reform, xxxvi. 4; her +grievous trial, xxxvi. 6, 7; her health improved, xxxvi. 9; would +suffer all things for one additional degree of glory, xxxvii. 3; +her affection for her confessors, xxxvii. 6; supernaturally +helped when writing, xxxviii. 28; obtains sight for a blind +person, xxxix. 1; and the cure of one of her kindred, xxxix. 2; +her spiritual state became known without her consent, xl. 28; +submits all her writings to the Roman Church, Rel. vii. 16. + +Theology, mystical, x. 1, xi. 8, xii. 8; the Saint says she does +not know the terms of, xviii. 4. + +Thomas, St., assisted at the deathbed of Fra P. Ibañez, + xxxviii. 15. + +Throne, vision of a, xxxix. 31, 32. + +Trance, a, xviii. 17, xx. 1; outward effects of, xl. 11; gradual, +Rel. viii. 10. + +Transport, Rel. viii. 10. + +Trials followed by graces, xi. 18; promised to the Saint, +xxxv. 9; shown her in a vision, xxxix. 25. + +Trinity, the, mystery of, revealed to the Saint, xxxix. 36; +visions of, Rel. iii. 6, Rel. v. 6-8, Rel. viii. 20, Rel. ix. 12. + +Truth, divine, xl. 3-7. + +Ulloa, de, Doña Guiomar, xxiv. 5; takes the Saint to her house, +xxx. 3; helps the Saint to accomplish the reform, xxxii. 13; is +refused absolution, xxxii. 18. + +Understanding, the, use of in prayer, xiii. 17; disorderly, +xv. 10; powerless in the state of imperfect union, xvi. 4; and of +the perfect union, xviii. 19; the Saint speaks humbly of her, +xxviii. 10. + +Union, imperfect, prayer of, xvi. 1; a mystical death, ib.; the +soul resigned therein, xvii. 1; how it differs from the prayer of +quiet, xvii. 5, 6; another degree of, xvii. 7; the labour of the +soul lessens in the later states of, xviii. 1. + +Union, perfect, prayer of, xviii. 1; the senses wholly absorbed +in, xviii. 3, 14; duration of, xviii. 16; fruits of, xix. 4. + +Union, prayer of, iv. 9; followed by visions in the Saint, +xxv. 14. + +Union, what it is, Rel. v. 2; of the faculties of the soul, +Rel. viii. 7. + +Vainglory, vii. 2, 34, x. 5, Rel. i. 18, Rel. ii. 15, +Rel. vii. 23. + +Vanity of possessions, xx. 35; the Saint's watchfulness over +herself herein, xxxix. 11. + +Virtue, growth of, in the prayer of quiet, xiv. 6; and in that of +imperfect union, xvii. 4. + +Visions, our Lord seen in, vii. 11, xxv. 14, xxvii. 3, xxviii. 2; +intellectual, xxvii. 4; different from the sense of the presence +of God, xxvii. 6; joy of, xxvii. 13; imaginary, xxviii. 5; +effects of, in the soul, xxviii. 13; Satan tried to simulate, +xxviii. 15; effects of, in the Saint, xxviii. 19; cessation of +the Saint's imaginary, xxix. 2; of the Sacred Humanity, effects +of, xxxviii. 23. + +Water, holy, puts evil spirits to flight, xxxi. 4, 5, 9, 10. + +Water, the first, xi. 13; the second, xiv. 1; the third, xvi. 1; +the fourth, xviii. 1. + +Will, the state of, in the prayer of quiet, xiv. 4, xv. 2, 10; in +the prayer of imperfect union, xviii. 16. + +Women, great care necessary in the direction of, xxiii. 14, 15; +make greater progress than men, xl. 12. + +World, the, contempt of, x. 7, xxvii. 16; customs of, wearisome, +xxxvii. 15, 16; hard on good people, xxxi. 19; vanity of, +Rel. i. 21. + +Wound of the soul, Rel. viii. 16; of love, Rel. viii. 17. + +Ybañez. See Ibañez. + +Yepes, Rel. ix. 1. + +Zeal, indiscreet, xiii. 11. + + + + + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's The Life of St. Teresa of Jesus, by Teresa of Avila + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE LIFE OF ST. TERESA OF JESUS *** + +***** This file should be named 8120-8.txt or 8120-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/8/1/2/8120/ + +Produced by Elizabeth T. Knuth + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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