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diff --git a/old/cpogs10.txt b/old/cpogs10.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..0e9403e --- /dev/null +++ b/old/cpogs10.txt @@ -0,0 +1,31931 @@ +Project Gutenberg Etext: Complete Plays of Gilbert and Sullivan +#2 in our series by William S. Gilbert [and Arthur Sullivan] +[See #757 for Gilbert's Bab Ballads] + + +Copyright laws are changing all over the world, be sure to check +the copyright laws for your country before posting these files!! + +Please take a look at the important information in this header. +We encourage you to keep this file on your own disk, keeping an +electronic path open for the next readers. Do not remove this. + + +**Welcome To The World of Free Plain Vanilla Electronic Texts** + +**Etexts Readable By Both Humans and By Computers, Since 1971** + +*These Etexts Prepared By Hundreds of Volunteers and Donations* + +Information on contacting Project Gutenberg to get Etexts, and +further information is included below. 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If you + don't derive profits, no royalty is due. Royalties are + payable to "Project Gutenberg Association within the 60 + days following each date you prepare (or were legally + required to prepare) your annual (or equivalent periodic) + tax return. + +WHAT IF YOU *WANT* TO SEND MONEY EVEN IF YOU DON'T HAVE TO? +The Project gratefully accepts contributions in money, time, +scanning machines, OCR software, public domain etexts, royalty +free copyright licenses, and every other sort of contribution +you can think of. Money should be paid to "Project Gutenberg +Association". + +*END*THE SMALL PRINT! FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN ETEXTS*Ver.04.29.93*END* + + + + + +A request to all readers: +I have tried to catch as many actual errors as I could, but I am +sure others exist. If you notice an error, please let me know, +identifying by act and paragraph where the mistake occurs. + +David Reed haradda@aol.com or davidr@inconnect.com + + + + + +THE 14 GILBERT AND SULLIVAN PLAYS + + + + + + +William S. Gilbert and Sir Arthur Sullivan collaborated on 14 +operas in the period from 1871 to 1896. The are the following: + +GONDOLIERS +GRAND DUKE +H.M.S. PINAFORE +IOLANTHE +THE MIKADO +PIRATES OF PENZANCE +PRINCESS IDA +RUDDIGORE +THE SORCERER +THESPIS +TRIAL BY JURY +UTOPIA, LIMITED +YEOMEN OF THE GUARD +PATIENCE + + The Gondoliers + + or + + The King of Barataria + + Libretto by William S. Gilbert + Music by Arthur S. Sullivan + + DRAMATIS PERSONAE + +THE DUKE OF PLAZA-TORO (a Grandee of Spain) +LUIZ (his attendant) +DON ALHAMBRA DEL BOLERO (the Grand Inquisitioner) + +Venetian Gondoliers + MARCO PALMIERI + GIUSEPPE PALMIERI + ANTONIO + FRANCESCO + GIORGIO + ANNIBALE + +THE DUCHESS OF PLAZA-TORO +CASILDA (her Daughter) + +Contadine + GIANETTA + TESSA + FIAMETTA + VITTORIA + GIULIA + +INEZ (the King's Foster-mother) + +Chorus of Gondoliers and Contadine, Men-at-Arms, Heralds and +Pages + + ACT I + The Piazzetta, Venice + + ACT II + Pavilion in the Palace of Barataria + +(An interval of three months is supposed to elapse between Acts I +and II) + + DATE + 1750 + + ACT I + + +Scene.-- the Piazzetta, Venice. The Ducal Palace on the right. + +Fiametta, Giulia, Vittoria, and other Contadine discovered, each +tying a bouquet of roses. + + CHORUS OF CONTADINE. + + List and learn, ye dainty roses, + Roses white and roses red, + Why we bind you into posies + Ere your morning bloom has fled. + By a law of maiden's making, + Accents of a heart that's aching, + Even though that heart be breaking, + Should by maiden be unsaid: + Though they love with love exceeding, + They must seem to be unheeding-- + Go ye then and do their pleading, + Roses white and roses red! + + FIAMETTA. + + Two there are for whom in duty, + Every maid in Venice sighs-- + Two so peerless in their beauty + That they shame the summer skies. + We have hearts for them, in plenty, + They have hearts, but all too few, + We, alas, are four-and-twenty! + They, alas, are only two! + We, alas! + +CHORUS. Alas! + +FIA. Are four-and-twenty, + They, alas! + +CHORUS. Alas! + +FIA. Are only two. + +CHORUS. They, alas, are only two, alas! + Now ye know, ye dainty roses, + Roses white and roses red, + Why we bind you into posies, + Ere your morning bloom has fled, + Roses white and roses red! + +(During this chorus Antonio, Francesco, Giorgio, and other +Gondoliers have entered unobserved by the Girls--at first two, +then two more, then four, then half a dozen, then the remainder +of the Chorus.) + + SOLI. + +FRANC. Good morrow, pretty maids; for whom prepare ye + These floral tributes extraordinary? + +FIA. For Marco and Giuseppe Palmieri, + The pink and flower of all the Gondolieri. + +GIU. They're coming here, as we have heard but lately, + To choose two brides from us who sit sedately. + +ANT. Do all you maidens love them? + +ALL. Passionately! + +ANT. These gondoliers are to be envied greatly! + +GIOR. But what of us, who one and all adore you? + Have pity on our passion, we implore you! + +FIA. These gentlemen must make their choice before you; + +VIT. In the meantime we tacitly ignore you. + +GIU. When they have chosen two that leaves you plenty-- + Two dozen we, and ye are four-and-twenty. + +FIA. and VIT. Till then, enjoy your dolce far niente. + +ANT. With pleasure, nobody contradicente! + + SONG--ANTONIO and CHORUS. + + For the merriest fellows are we, tra la, + That ply on the emerald sea, tra la; + With loving and laughing, + And quipping and quaffing, + We're happy as happy can be, tra la-- + With loving and laughing, etc. + + With sorrow we've nothing to do, tra la, + And care is a thing to pooh-pooh, tra la; + And Jealousy yellow, + Unfortunate fellow, + We drown in the shimmering blue, tra la-- + And Jealousy yellow, etc. + +FIA. (looking off). See, see, at last they come to make their +choice-- + Let us acclaim them with united voice. + + +(Marco and Giuseppe appear in gondola at back.) + +CHORUS (Girls). Hail, hail! gallant gondolieri, ben venuti! + Accept our love, our homage, and our duty. + Ben' venuti! ben' venuti! + +(Marco and Giuseppe jump ashore--the Girls salute them.) + + DUET--MARCO and GIUSEPPE, with CHORUS OF GIRLS. + +MAR. and GIU. Buon' giorno, signorine! + +GIRLS. Gondolieri carissimi! + Siamo contadine! + +MAR. and GIU. (bowing). Servitori umilissimi! + Per chi questi fiori-- + Questi fiori bellissimi? + +GIRLS. Per voi, bei signori + O eccellentissimi! + +(The Girls present their bouquets to Marco and Giuseppe, who are +overwhelmed with them, and carry them with difficulty.) + +MAR. and GIU. (their arms full of flowers). O ciel'! O ciel'! + +GIRLS. Buon' giorno, cavalieri! + +MAR. and GIU. (deprecatingly). Siamo gondolieri. + + (To Fia. and Vit.) Signorina, io t' amo! + +GIRLS. (deprecatingly). Contadine siamo. + +MAR. and GIU. Signorine! + +GIRLS (deprecatingly). Contadine! + + (Curtseying to Mar. and Giu.) Cavalieri. + +MAR. and GIU. (deprecatingly). Gondolieri! + Poveri gondolieri! + +CHORUS. Buon' giorno, signorine, etc. + + DUET--MARCO and GIUSEPPE. + + We're called gondolieri, + But that's a vagary, + It's quite honorary + The trade that we ply. + For gallantry noted + Since we were short-coated, + To beauty devoted, + Giuseppe\Are Marco and I; + + When morning is breaking, + Our couches forsaking, + To greet their awaking + With carols we come. + At summer day's nooning, + When weary lagooning, + Our mandolins tuning, + We lazily thrum. + + When vespers are ringing, + To hope ever clinging, + With songs of our singing + A vigil we keep, + When daylight is fading, + Enwrapt in night's shading, + With soft serenading + We sing them to sleep. + + We're called gondolieri, etc. + + RECITATIVE--MARCO and GIUSEPPE. + +MAR. And now to choose our brides! + +GIU. As all are young and fair, + And amiable besides, + +BOTH. We really do not care + A preference to declare. + +MAR. A bias to disclose + Would be indelicate-- + +GIU. And therefore we propose + To let impartial Fate + Select for us a mate! + +ALL. Viva! + +GIRLS. A bias to disclose + Would be indelicate-- + +MEN. But how do they propose + To let impartial Fate + Select for them a mate? + +GIU. These handkerchiefs upon our eyes be good enough to +bind, + +MAR. And take good care that both of us are absolutely +blind; + +BOTH. Then turn us round--and we, with all convenient +despatch, + Will undertake to marry any two of you we catch! + +ALL. Viva! + They undertake to marry any two of us\them they catch! + +(The Girls prepare to bind their eyes as directed.) + +FIA. (to Marco). Are you peeping? + Can you see me? + +MAR. Dark I'm keeping, + Dark and dreamy! + + (Marco slyly lifts +bandage.) + +VIT. (to Giuseppe). If you're blinded + Truly, say so + +GIU. All right-minded + Players play so! + (slyly lifts bandage). + +FIA. (detecting Marco). Conduct shady! + They are cheating! + Surely they de- + Serve a beating! + (replaces bandage). + +VIT. (detecting Giuseppe). This too much is; + Maidens mocking-- + Conduct such is + Truly shocking! + (replaces bandage). + +ALL. You can spy, sir! + Shut your eye, sir! + You may use it by and by, sir! + You can see, sir! + Don't tell me, sir! + That will do--now let it be, sir! + +CHORUS OF GIRLS. My papa he keeps three horses, + Black, and white, and dapple grey, sir; + Turn three times, then take your courses, + Catch whichever girl you may, sir! + +CHORUS OF MEN. My papa, etc. + +(Marco and Giuseppe turn round, as directed, and try to catch the +girls. Business of blind-man's buff. Eventually Marco catches +Gianetta, and Giuseppe catches Tessa. The two girls try to +escape, but in vain. The two men pass their hands over the +girls' faces to discover their identity.) + +GIU. I've at length achieved a capture! + (Guessing.) This is Tessa! (removes bandage). Rapture, +rapture! + +CHORUS. Rapture, rapture! + +MAR. (guessing). To me Gianetta fate has granted! + (removes bandage). + Just the very girl I wanted! + +CHORUS. Just the very girl he wanted! + +GIU. (politely to Mar.). If you'd rather change-- + +TESS. My goodness! + This indeed is simple rudeness. + +MAR. (politely to Giu.). I've no preference whatever-- + +GIA. Listen to him! Well, I never! + (Each man kisses each girl.) + +GIA. Thank you, gallant gondolieri! + In a set and formal measure + It is scarcely necessary + To express our pleasure. + Each of us to prove a treasure, + Conjugal and monetary, + Gladly will devote our leisure, + Gay and gallant gondolieri. + Tra, la, la, la, la, la, etc. + +TESS. Gay and gallant gondolieri, + Take us both and hold us tightly, + You have luck extraordinary; + We might both have been unsightly! + If we judge your conduct rightly, + 'Twas a choice involuntary; + Still we thank you most politely, + Gay and gallant gondolieri! + Tra, la, la, la, la, la, etc. + +CHORUS OF Thank you, gallant gondolieri; +GIRLS. In a set and formal measure, + It is scarcely necessary + To express our pleasure. + Each of us to prove a treasure + Gladly will devote our leisure, + Gay and gallant gondolieri! + Tra, la, la, la, la, la, etc. + +ALL. Fate in this has put his finger-- + Let us bow to Fate's decree, + Then no longer let us linger, + To the altar hurry we! + +(They all dance off two and two--Gianetta with Marco, Tessa with +Giuseppe.) + +(Flourish. A gondola arrives at the Piazzetta steps, from which +enter the Duke of Plaza-toro, the Duchess, their daughter +Casilda, and their attendant Luiz, who carries a drum. All are +dressed in pompous but old and faded clothes.) + +(Entrance of Duke, Duchess, Casilda, and Luiz.) + +DUKE. From the sunny Spanish shore, + The Duke of Plaza-Tor!-- + +DUCH. And His Grace's Duchess true-- + +CAS. And His Grace's daughter, too-- + +LUIZ. And His Grace's private drum + To Venetia's shores have come: + +ALL. If ever, ever, ever + They get back to Spain, + They will never, never, never + Cross the sea again-- + +DUKE. Neither that Grandee from the Spanish shore, + The noble Duke of Plaza-Tor'-- + +DUCH. Nor His Grace's Duchess, staunch and true-- + +CAS. You may add, His Grace's daughter, too-- + +LUIZ. Nor His Grace's own particular drum + To Venetia's shores will come: + +ALL. If ever, ever, ever + They get back to Spain, + They will never, never, never + Cross the sea again! + + DUKE. At last we have arrived at our destination. This is +the Ducal Palace, and it is here that the Grand Inquisitor +resides. As a Castilian hidalgo of ninety-five quarterings, I +regret that I am unable to pay my state visit on a horse. As a +Castilian hidalgo of that description, I should have preferred to +ride through the streets of Venice; but owing, I presume, to an +unusually wet season, the streets are in such a condition that +equestrian exercise is impracticable. No matter. Where is our +suite? + LUIZ (coming forward). Your Grace, I am here. + DUCH. Why do you not do yourself the honour to kneel when +you address His Grace? + DUKE. My love, it is so small a matter! (To Luiz.) Still, +you may as well do it. (Luiz kneels.) + CAS. The young man seems to entertain but an imperfect +appreciation of the respect due from a menial to a Castilian +hidalgo. + DUKE. My child, you are hard upon our suite. + CAS. Papa, I've no patience with the presumption of persons +in his plebeian position. If he does not appreciate that +position, let him be whipped until he does. + DUKE. Let us hope the omission was not intended as a +slight. I should be much hurt if I thought it was. So would he. +(To Luiz.) Where are the halberdiers who were to have had the +honour of meeting us here, that our visit to the Grand Inquisitor +might be made in becoming state? + LUIZ. Your Grace, the halberdiers are mercenary people who +stipulated for a trifle on account. + DUKE. How tiresome! Well, let us hope the Grand Inquisitor +is a blind gentleman. And the band who were to have had the +honour of escorting us? I see no band! + LUIZ. Your Grace, the band are sordid persons who required +to be paid in advance. + DUCH. That's so like a band! + DUKE (annoyed). Insuperable difficulties meet me at every +turn! + DUCH. But surely they know His Grace? + LUIZ. Exactly--they know His Grace. + DUKE. Well, let us hope that the Grand Inquisitor is a deaf +gentleman. A cornet-a-piston would be something. You do not +happen to possess the accomplishment of tootling like a +cornet-a-piston? + LUIZ. Alas, no, Your Grace! But I can imitate a farmyard. + DUKE (doubtfully). I don't see how that would help us. I +don't see how we could bring it in. + CAS. It would not help us in the least. We are not a +parcel of graziers come to market, dolt! + (Luiz +rises.) + DUKE. My love, our suite's feelings! (To Luiz.) Be so +good as to ring the bell and inform the Grand Inquisitor that his +Grace the Duke of Plaza-Toro, Count Matadoro, Baron Picadoro-- + DUCH. And suite-- + DUKE. And suite--have arrived at Venice, and seek-- + CAS. Desire-- + DUCH. Demand! + DUKE. And demand an audience. + LUIZ. Your Grace has but to command. + DUKE (much moved). I felt sure of it--I felt sure of it! +(Exit Luiz into Ducal Palace.) And now, my love--(aside to +Duchess) Shall we tell her? I think so--(aloud to Casilda) And +now, my love, prepare for a magnificent surprise. It is my +agreeable duty to reveal to you a secret which should make you +the happiest young lady in Venice! + CAS. A secret? + DUCH. A secret which, for State reasons, it has been +necessary to preserve for twenty years. + DUKE. When you were a prattling babe of six months old you +were married by proxy to no less a personage than the infant son +and heir of His Majesty the immeasurably wealthy King of +Barataria! + CAS. Married to the infant son of the King of Barataria? +Was I consulted? (Duke shakes his head.) Then it was a most +unpardonable liberty! + DUKE. Consider his extreme youth and forgive him. Shortly +after the ceremony that misguided monarch abandoned the creed of +his forefathers, and became a Wesleyan Methodist of the most +bigoted and persecuting type. The Grand Inquisitor, determined +that the innovation should not be perpetuated in Barataria, +caused your smiling and unconscious husband to be stolen and +conveyed to Venice. A fortnight since the Methodist Monarch and +all his Wesleyan Court were killed in an insurrection, and we are +here to ascertain the whereabouts of your husband, and to hail +you, our daughter, as Her Majesty, the reigning Queen of +Barataria! (Kneels.) + +(During this speech Luiz re-enters.) + + DUCH. Your Majesty! (Kneels.) (Drum roll.) + DUKE. It is at such moments as these that one feels how +necessary it is to travel with a full band. + CAS. I, the Queen of Barataria! But I've nothing to wear! +We are practically penniless! + DUKE. That point has not escaped me. Although I am +unhappily in straitened circumstances at present, my social +influence is something enormous; and a Company, to be called the +Duke of Plaza-Toro, Limited, is in course of formation to work +me. An influential directorate has been secured, and I shall +myself join the Board after allotment. + CAS. Am I to understand that the Queen of Barataria may be +called upon at any time to witness her honoured sire in process +of liquidation? + DUCH. The speculation is not exempt from that drawback. If +your father should stop, it will, of course, be necessary to wind +him up. + CAS. But it's so undignified--it's so degrading! A Grandee +of Spain turned into a public company! Such a thing was never +heard of! + DUKE. My child, the Duke of Plaza-Toro does not follow +fashions--he leads them. He always leads everybody. When he was +in the army he led his regiment. He occasionally led them into +action. He invariably led them out of it. + + SONG--DUKE OF PLAZA-TORO. + + In enterprise of martial kind, + When there was any fighting, + He led his regiment from behind-- + He found it less exciting. + But when away his regiment ran, + His place was at the fore, O-- + That celebrated, + Cultivated, + Underrated + Nobleman, + The Duke of Plaza-Toro! + +ALL. In the first and foremost flight, ha, ha! + You always found that knight, ha, ha! + That celebrated, + Cultivated, + Underrated + Nobleman, + The Duke of Plaza-Toro! + +DUKE. When, to evade Destruction's hand, + To hide they all proceeded, + No soldier in that gallant band + Hid half as well as he did. + He lay concealed throughout the war, + And so preserved his gore, O! + That unaffected, + Undetected, + Well-connected + Warrior, + The Duke of Plaza-Toro! + +ALL. In every doughty deed, ha, ha! + He always took the lead, ha, ha! + That unaffected, + Undetected, + Well-connected + Warrior, + The Duke of Plaza-Toro! + +DUKE. When told that they would all be shot + Unless they left the service, + That hero hesitated not, + So marvellous his nerve is. + He sent his resignation in, + The first of all his corps, O! + That very knowing, + Overflowing, + Easy-going + Paladin, + The Duke of Plaza-Toro! + +ALL. To men of grosser clay, ha, ha! + He always showed the way, ha, ha! + That very knowing, + Overflowing, + Easy-going + Paladin, + The Duke of Plaza-Toro! + +(Exeunt Duke and Duchess into Grand Ducal Palace. As soon as +they have disappeared, Luiz and Casilda rush to each other's +arms.) + + RECITATIVE AND DUET--CASILDA AND LUIZ. + + O rapture, when alone together + Two loving hearts and those that bear them + May join in temporary tether, + Though Fate apart should rudely tear them. + +CAS. Necessity, Invention's mother, + Compelled me to a course of feigning-- + But, left alone with one another, + I will atone for my disdaining! + + AIR + +CAS. Ah, well-beloved, + Mine angry frown + Is but a gown + That serves to dress + My gentleness! + +LUIZ. Ah, well-beloved, + Thy cold disdain, + It gives no pain-- + 'Tis mercy, played + In masquerade! + +BOTH. Ah, well-beloved, etc. + + CAS. O Luiz, Luiz--what have you said? What have I done? +What have I allowed you to do? + LUIZ. Nothing, I trust, that you will ever have reason to +repent. (Offering to embrace her.) + CAS. (withdrawing from him). Nay, Luiz, it may not be. I +have embraced you for the last time. + LUIZ (amazed). Casilda! + CAS. I have just learnt, to my surprise and indignation, +that I was wed in babyhood to the infant son of the King of +Barataria! + LUIZ. The son of the King of Barataria? The child who was +stolen in infancy by the Inquisition? + CAS. The same. But, of course, you know his story. + LUIZ. Know his story? Why, I have often told you that my +mother was the nurse to whose charge he was entrusted! + CAS. True. I had forgotten. Well, he has been discovered, +and my father has brought me here to claim his hand. + LUIZ. But you will not recognize this marriage? It took +place when you were too young to understand its import. + CAS. Nay, Luiz, respect my principles and cease to torture +me with vain entreaties. Henceforth my life is another's. + LUIZ. But stay--the present and the future--they are +another's; but the past--that at least is ours, and none can take +it from us. As we may revel in naught else, let us revel in +that! + CAS. I don't think I grasp your meaning. + LUIZ. Yet it is logical enough. You say you cease to love +me? + CAS. (demurely). I say I may not love you. + LUIZ. Ah, but you do not say you did not love me? + CAS. I loved you with a frenzy that words are powerless to +express--and that but ten brief minutes since! + LUIZ. Exactly. My own--that is, until ten minutes since, +my own--my lately loved, my recently adored--tell me that until, +say a quarter of an hour ago, I was all in all to thee! +(Embracing her.) + CAS. I see your idea. It's ingenious, but don't do that. +(Releasing herself.) + LUIZ. There can be no harm in revelling in the past. + CAS. None whatever, but an embrace cannot be taken to act +retrospectively. + LUIZ. Perhaps not! + CAS. We may recollect an embrace--I recollect many--but we +must not repeat them. + LUIZ. Then let us recollect a few! (A moment's pause, as +they recollect, then both heave a deep sigh.) + LUIZ. Ah, Casilda, you were to me as the sun is to the +earth! + CAS. A quarter of an hour ago? + LUIZ. About that. + CAS. And to think that, but for this miserable discovery, +you would have been my own for life! + LUIZ. Through life to death--a quarter of an hour ago! + CAS. How greedily my thirsty ears would have drunk the +golden melody of those sweet words a quarter--well, it's now +about twenty minutes since. (Looking at her watch.) + LUIZ. About that. In such a matter one cannot be too +precise. + CAS. And now our love, so full of life, is but a silent, +solemn memory! + LUIZ. Must it be so, Casilda? + CAS. Luiz, it must be so! + + DUET--CASILDA and LUIZ. + +LUIZ. There was a time-- + A time for ever gone--ah, woe is me! + It was no crime + To love but thee alone--ah, woe is me! + One heart, one life, one soul, + One aim, one goal-- + Each in the other's thrall, + Each all in all, ah, woe is me! + +BOTH. Oh, bury, bury--let the grave close o'er + The days that were--that never will be more! + Oh, bury, bury love that all condemn, + And let the whirlwind mourn its requiem! + +CAS. Dead as the last year's leaves-- + As gathered flowers--ah, woe is me! + Dead as the garnered sheaves, + That love of ours--ah, woe is me! + Born but to fade and die + When hope was high, + Dead and as far away + As yesterday!--ah, woe is me! + +BOTH. Oh, bury, bury--let the grave close o'er, etc. + +(Re-enter from the Ducal Palace the Duke and Duchess, followed by +Don Alhambra del Bolero, the Grand Inquisitor.) + + DUKE. My child, allow me to present to you His Distinction +Don Alhambra del Bolero, the Grand Inquisitor of Spain. It was +His Distinction who so thoughtfully abstracted your infant +husband and brought him to Venice. + DON AL. So this is the little lady who is so unexpectedly +called upon to assume the functions of Royalty! And a very nice +little lady, too! + DUKE. Jimp, isn't she? + DON AL. Distinctly jimp. Allow me! (Offers his hand. She +turns away scornfully.) Naughty temper! + DUKE. You must make some allowance. Her Majesty's head is +a little turned by her access of dignity. + DON AL. I could have wished that Her Majesty's access of +dignity had turned it in this direction. + DUCH. Unfortunately, if I am not mistaken, there appears to +be some little doubt as to His Majesty's whereabouts. + CAS. (aside). A doubt as to his whereabouts? Then we may +yet be saved! + DON AL. A doubt? Oh dear, no--no doubt at all! He is +here, in Venice, plying the modest but picturesque calling of a +gondolier. I can give you his address--I see him every day! In +the entire annals of our history there is absolutely no +circumstance so entirely free from all manner of doubt of any +kind whatever! Listen, and I'll tell you all about it. + + SONG--DON ALHAMBRA + (with DUKE, DUCHESS, CASILDA, and LUIZ). + + I stole the Prince, and I brought him here, + And left him gaily prattling + With a highly respectable gondolier, + Who promised the Royal babe to rear, + And teach him the trade of a timoneer + With his own beloved bratling. + + Both of the babes were strong and stout, + And, considering all things, clever. + Of that there is no manner of doubt-- + No probable, possible shadow of doubt-- + No possible doubt whatever. + +ALL. No possible doubt whatever. + + But owing, I'm much disposed to fear, + To his terrible taste for tippling, + That highly respectable gondolier + Could never declare with a mind sincere + Which of the two was his offspring dear, + And which the Royal stripling! + + Which was which he could never make out + Despite his best endeavour. + Of that there is no manner of doubt-- + No probable, possible shadow of doubt-- + No possible doubt whatever. + +ALL. No possible doubt whatever. + + Time sped, and when at the end of a year + I sought that infant cherished, + That highly respectable gondolier + Was lying a corpse on his humble bier-- + I dropped a Grand Inquisitor's tear-- + That gondolier had perished. + + A taste for drink, combined with gout, + Had doubled him up for ever. + Of that there is no manner of doubt-- + No probable, possible shadow of doubt-- + No possible doubt whatever. + +ALL. No possible doubt whatever. + + The children followed his old career-- + (This statement can't be parried) + Of a highly respectable gondolier: + Well, one of the two (who will soon be here)-- + But which of the two is not quite clear-- + Is the Royal Prince you married! + + Search in and out and round about, + And you'll discover never + A tale so free from every doubt-- + All probable, possible shadow of doubt-- + All possible doubt whatever! + +ALL. A tale free from every doubt, etc. + + CAS. Then do you mean to say that I am married to one of +two gondoliers, but it is impossible to say which? + DON AL. Without any doubt of any kind whatever. But be +reassured: the nurse to whom your husband was entrusted is the +mother of the musical young man who is such a past-master of that +delicately modulated instrument (indicating the drum). She can, +no doubt, establish the King's identity beyond all question. + LUIZ. Heavens, how did he know that? + DON AL. My young friend, a Grand Inquisitor is always up to +date. (To Cas.) His mother is at present the wife of a highly +respectable and old-established brigand, who carries on an +extensive practice in the mountains around Cordova. Accompanied +by two of my emissaries, he will set off at once for his mother's +address. She will return with them, and if she finds any +difficulty in making up her mind, the persuasive influence of the +torture chamber will jog her memory. + + RECITATIVE--CASILDA and DON ALHAMBRA. + +CAS. But, bless my heart, consider my position! + I am the wife of one, that's very clear; + But who can tell, except by intuition, + Which is the Prince, and which the Gondolier? + +DON AL. Submit to Fate without unseemly wrangle: + Such complications frequently occur-- + Life is one closely complicated tangle: + Death is the only true unraveller! + + QUINTET--DUKE, DUCHESS, CASILDA, LUIZ, and GRAND INQUISITOR. + +ALL. Try we life-long, we can never + Straighten out life's tangled skein, + Why should we, in vain endeavour, + Guess and guess and guess again? + +LUIZ. Life's a pudding full of plums, + +DUCH. Care's a canker that benumbs. + +ALL. Life's a pudding full of plums, + Care's a canker that benumbs. + Wherefore waste our elocution + On impossible solution? + Life's a pleasant institution, + Let us take it as it comes! + + Set aside the dull enigma, + We shall guess it all too soon; + Failure brings no kind of stigma-- + Dance we to another tune! + +LUIZ. String the lyre and fill the cup, + +DUCH. Lest on sorrow we should sup. + +ALL. Hop and skip to Fancy's fiddle, + Hands across and down the middle-- + Life's perhaps the only riddle + That we shrink from giving up! + +(Exeunt all into Ducal Palace except Luiz, who goes off in +gondola.) + +(Enter Gondoliers and Contadine, followed by Marco, Gianetta, +Giuseppe, and Tessa.) + + CHORUS. + + Bridegroom and bride! + Knot that's insoluble, + Voices all voluble + Hail it with pride. + Bridegroom and bride! + We in sincerity + Wish you prosperity, + Bridegroom and bride! + + SONG--TESSA. + +TESS. When a merry maiden marries, + Sorrow goes and pleasure tarries; + Every sound becomes a song, + All is right, and nothing's wrong! + From to-day and ever after + Let our tears be tears of laughter. + Every sigh that finds a vent + Be a sigh of sweet content! + When you marry, merry maiden, + Then the air with love is laden; + Every flower is a rose, + Every goose becomes a swan, + Every kind of trouble goes + Where the last year's snows have gone! + +CHORUS. Sunlight takes the place of shade + When you marry, merry maid! + +TESS. When a merry maiden marries, + Sorrow goes and pleasure tarries; + Every sound becomes a song, + All is right, and nothing's wrong. + Gnawing Care and aching Sorrow, + Get ye gone until to-morrow; + Jealousies in grim array, + Ye are things of yesterday! + When you marry, merry maiden, + Then the air with joy is laden; + All the corners of the earth + Ring with music sweetly played, + Worry is melodious mirth, + Grief is joy in masquerade; + +CHORUS. Sullen night is laughing day-- + All the year is merry May! + +(At the end of the song, Don Alhambra enters at back. The +Gondoliers and Contadine shrink from him, and gradually go off, +much alarmed.) + + GIU. And now our lives are going to begin in real earnest! +What's a bachelor? A mere nothing--he's a chrysalis. He can't +be said to live--he exists. + MAR. What a delightful institution marriage is! Why have +we wasted all this time? Why didn't we marry ten years ago? + TESS. Because you couldn't find anybody nice enough. + GIA. Because you were waiting for us. + MAR. I suppose that was the reason. We were waiting for +you without knowing it. (Don Alhambra comes forward.) Hallo! + DON AL. Good morning. + GIU. If this gentleman is an undertaker it's a bad omen. + DON AL. Ceremony of some sort going on? + GIU. (aside). He is an undertaker! (Aloud.) No--a little +unimportant family gathering. Nothing in your line. + DON AL. Somebody's birthday, I suppose? + GIA. Yes, mine! + TESS. And mine! + MAR. And mine! + GIU. And mine! + DON AL. Curious coincidence! And how old may you all be? + TESS. It's a rude question--but about ten minutes. + DON AL. Remarkably fine children! But surely you are +jesting? + TESS. In other words, we were married about ten minutes +since. + DON AL. Married! You don't mean to say you are married? + MAR. Oh yes, we are married. + DON AL. What, both of you? + ALL. All four of us. + DON AL. (aside). Bless my heart, how extremely awkward! + GIA. You don't mind, I suppose? + TESS. You were not thinking of either of us for yourself, I +presume? Oh, Giuseppe, look at him--he was. He's heart-broken! + DON AL. No, no, I wasn't! I wasn't! + GIU. Now, my man (slapping him on the back), we don't want +anything in your line to-day, and if your curiosity's +satisfied--you can go! + DON AL. You mustn't call me your man. It's a liberty. I +don't think you know who I am. + GIU. Not we, indeed! We are jolly gondoliers, the sons of +Baptisto Palmieri, who led the last revolution. Republicans, +heart and soul, we hold all men to be equal. As we abhor +oppression, we abhor kings: as we detest vain-glory, we detest +rank: as we despise effeminacy, we despise wealth. We are +Venetian gondoliers--your equals in everything except our +calling, and in that at once your masters and your servants. + DON AL. Bless my heart, how unfortunate! One of you may be +Baptisto's son, for anything I know to the contrary; but the +other is no less a personage than the only son of the late King +of Barataria. + ALL. What! + DON AL. And I trust--I trust it was that one who slapped me +on the shoulder and called me his man! + GIU. One of us a king! + MAR. Not brothers! + TESS. The King of Barataria! [Together] + GIA. Well, who'd have thought it! + MAR. But which is it? + DON AL. What does it matter? As you are both Republicans, +and hold kings in detestation, of course you'll abdicate at once. +Good morning! (Going.) + GIA. and TESS. Oh, don't do that! (Marco and Giuseppe stop +him.) + GIU. Well, as to that, of course there are kings and kings. +When I say that I detest kings, I mean I detest bad kings. + DON AL. I see. It's a delicate distinction. + GIU. Quite so. Now I can conceive a kind of king--an ideal +king--the creature of my fancy, you know--who would be absolutely +unobjectionable. A king, for instance, who would abolish taxes +and make everything cheap, except gondolas-- + MAR. And give a great many free entertainments to the +gondoliers-- + GIU. And let off fireworks on the Grand Canal, and engage +all the gondolas for the occasion-- + MAR. And scramble money on the Rialto among the gondoliers. + GIU. Such a king would be a blessing to his people, and if +I were a king, that is the sort of king I would be. + MAR. And so would I! + DON AL. Come, I'm glad to find your objections are not +insuperable. + MAR. and GIU. Oh, they're not insuperable. + GIA. and TESS. No, they're not insuperable. + GIU. Besides, we are open to conviction. + GIA. Yes; they are open to conviction. + TESS. Oh! they've often been convicted. + GIU. Our views may have been hastily formed on insufficient +grounds. They may be crude, ill-digested, erroneous. I've a +very poor opinion of the politician who is not open to +conviction. + TESS. (to Gia.). Oh, he's a fine fellow! + GIA. Yes, that's the sort of politician for my money! + DON AL. Then we'll consider it settled. Now, as the +country is in a state of insurrection, it is absolutely necessary +that you should assume the reins of Government at once; and, +until it is ascertained which of you is to be king, I have +arranged that you will reign jointly, so that no question can +arise hereafter as to the validity of any of your acts. + MAR. As one individual? + DON AL. As one individual. + GIU. (linking himself with Marco). Like this? + DON AL. Something like that. + MAR. And we may take our friends with us, and give them +places about the Court? + DON AL. Undoubtedly. That's always done! + MAR. I'm convinced! + GIU. So am I! + TESS. Then the sooner we're off the better. + GIA. We'll just run home and pack up a few things (going)-- + DON AL. Stop, stop--that won't do at all--ladies are not +admitted. + ALL. What! + DON AL. Not admitted. Not at present. Afterwards, +perhaps. We'll see. + GIU. Why, you don't mean to say you are going to separate +us from our wives! + DON AL. (aside). This is very awkward! (Aloud.) Only for +a time--a few months. Alter all, what is a few months? + TESS. But we've only been married half an hour! (Weeps.) + + FINALE, ACT I. + + SONG--GIANETTA. + + Kind sir, you cannot have the heart + Our lives to part + From those to whom an hour ago + We were united! + Before our flowing hopes you stem, + Ah, look at them, + And pause before you deal this blow, + All uninvited! + You men can never understand + That heart and hand + Cannot be separated when + We go a-yearning; + You see, you've only women's eyes + To idolize + And only women's hearts, poor men, + To set you burning! + Ah me, you men will never understand + That woman's heart is one with woman's hand! + + Some kind of charm you seem to find + In womankind-- + Some source of unexplained delight + (Unless you're jesting), + But what attracts you, I confess, + I cannot guess, + To me a woman's face is quite + Uninteresting! + If from my sister I were torn, + It could be borne-- + I should, no doubt, be horrified, + But I could bear it;-- + But Marco's quite another thing-- + He is my King, + He has my heart and none beside + Shall ever share it! + Ah me, you men will never understand + That woman's heart is one with woman's hand! + + RECITATIVE--DON ALHAMBRA. + + Do not give way to this uncalled-for grief, + Your separation will be very brief. + To ascertain which is the King + And which the other, + To Barataria's Court I'll bring + His foster-mother; + Her former nurseling to declare + She'll be delighted. + That settled, let each happy pair + Be reunited. + +MAR., GIU., Viva! His argument is strong! +GIA., TESS. Viva! We'll not be parted long! + Viva! It will be settled soon! + Viva! Then comes our honeymoon! + + (Exit Don +Alhambra.) + + QUARTET--MARCO, GIUSEPPE., GIANETTA, TESSA. + +GIA. Then one of us will be a Queen, + And sit on a golden throne, + With a crown instead + Of a hat on her head, + And diamonds all her own! + With a beautiful robe of gold and green, + I've always understood; + I wonder whether + She'd wear a feather? + I rather think she should! + +ALL. Oh, 'tis a glorious thing, I ween, + To be a regular Royal Queen! + No half-and-half affair, I mean, + But a right-down regular Royal Queen! + +MAR. She'll drive about in a carriage and pair, + With the King on her left-hand side, + And a milk-white horse, + As a matter of course, + Whenever she wants to ride! + With beautiful silver shoes to wear + Upon her dainty feet; + With endless stocks + Of beautiful frocks + And as much as she wants to eat! + +ALL. Oh, 'tis a glorious thing, I ween, etc. + +TESS. Whenever she condescends to walk, + Be sure she'll shine at that, + With her haughty stare + And her nose in the air, + Like a well-born aristocrat! + At elegant high society talk + She'll bear away the bell, + With her "How de do?" + And her "How are you?" + And "I trust I see you well!" + +ALL. Oh, 'tis a glorious thing, I ween, etc. + +GIU. And noble lords will scrape and bow, + And double themselves in two, + And open their eyes + In blank surprise + At whatever she likes to do. + And everybody will roundly vow + She's fair as flowers in May, + And say, "How clever!" + At whatsoever + She condescends to say! + +ALL. Oh, 'tis a glorious thing, I ween, + To be a regular Royal Queen! + No half-and-half affair, I mean, + But a right-down regular Royal Queen! + +(Enter Chorus of Gondoliers and Contadine.) + + CHORUS. + + Now, pray, what is the cause of this remarkable hilarity? + This sudden ebullition of unmitigated jollity? + Has anybody blessed you with a sample of his charity? + Or have you been adopted by a gentleman of quality? + +MAR. and GIU. Replying, we sing + As one individual, + As I find I'm a king, + To my kingdom I bid you all. + I'm aware you object + To pavilions and palaces, + But you'll find I respect + Your Republican fallacies. + +CHORUS. As they know we object + To pavilions and palaces, + How can they respect + Our Republican fallacies? + + MARCO and GIUSEPPE. + +MAR. For every one who feels inclined, + Some post we undertake to find + Congenial with his frame of mind-- + And all shall equal be. + +GIU. The Chancellor in his peruke-- + The Earl, the Marquis, and the Dook, + The Groom, the Butler, and the Cook-- + They all shall equal be. + +MAR. The Aristocrat who banks with Coutts-- + The Aristocrat who hunts and shoots-- + The Aristocrat who cleans our boots-- + They all shall equal be! + +GIU. The Noble Lord who rules the State-- + The Noble Lord who cleans the plate-- + +MAR. The Noble Lord who scrubs the grate-- + They all shall equal be! + +GIU. The Lord High Bishop orthodox-- + The Lord High Coachman on the box-- + +MAR. The Lord High Vagabond in the stocks-- + They all shall equal be! + +BOTH. For every one, etc. + + Sing high, sing low, + Wherever they go, + They all shall equal be! + +CHORUS. Sing high, sing low, + Wherever they go, + They all shall equal be! + + The Earl, the Marquis, and the Dook, + The Groom, the Butler, and the Cook, + The Aristocrat who banks with Coutts, + The Aristocrat who cleans the boots, + The Noble Lord who rules the State, + The Noble Lord who scrubs the grate, + The Lord High Bishop orthodox, + The Lord High Vagabond in the stocks-- + + For every one, etc. + + Sing high, sing low, + Wherever they go, + They all shall equal be! + + Then hail! O King, + Whichever you may be, + To you we sing, + But do not bend the knee. + Then hail! O King. + +MARCO and GIUSEPPE (together). + + Come, let's away--our island crown awaits me-- + Conflicting feelings rend my soul apart! + The thought of Royal dignity elates me, + But leaving thee behind me breaks my heart! + + (Addressing Gianetta and +Tessa.) + +GIANETTA and TESSA (together). + + Farewell, my love; on board you must be getting; + But while upon the sea you gaily roam, + Remember that a heart for thee is fretting-- + The tender little heart you've left at home! + +GIA. Now, Marco dear, + My wishes hear: + While you're away + It's understood + You will be good + And not too gay. + To every trace + Of maiden grace + You will be blind, + And will not glance + By any chance + On womankind! + + If you are wise, + You'll shut your eyes + Till we arrive, + And not address + A lady less + Than forty-five. + You'll please to frown + On every gown + That you may see; + And, O my pet, + You won't forget + You've married me! + + And O my darling, O my pet, + Whatever else you may forget, + In yonder isle beyond the sea, + Do not forget you've married me! + +TESS. You'll lay your head + Upon your bed + At set of sun. + You will not sing + Of anything + To any one. + You'll sit and mope + All day, I hope, + And shed a tear + Upon the life + Your little wife + Is passing here. + + And if so be + You think of me, + Please tell the moon! + I'll read it all + In rays that fall + On the lagoon: + You'll be so kind + As tell the wind + How you may be, + And send me words + By little birds + To comfort me! + + And O my darling, O my pet, + Whatever else you may forget, + In yonder isle beyond the sea, + Do not forget you've married me! + +QUARTET. Oh my darling, O my pet, etc. + +CHORUS (during which a "Xebeque" is hauled alongside the quay.) + + Then away we go to an island fair + That lies in a Southern sea: + We know not where, and we don't much care, + Wherever that isle may be. + +THE MEN (hauling on boat). + One, two, three, + Haul! + One, two, three, + Haul! + One, two, three, + Haul! + With a will! + +ALL. When the breezes are a-blowing + The ship will be going, + When they don't we shall all stand still! + Then away we go to an island fair, + We know not where, and we don't much care, + Wherever that isle may be. + + SOLO--MARCO. + + Away we go + To a balmy isle, + Where the roses blow + All the winter while. + +ALL (hoisting sail). + Then away we go to an island fair + That lies in a Southern sea: + Then away we go to an island fair, + Then away, then away, then away! + +(The men embark on the "Xebeque." Marco and Giuseppe embracing +Gianetta and Tessa. The girls wave a farewell to the men as the +curtain falls.) + + + END OF ACT I + + ACT II + + + SCENE.--Pavilion in the Court of Barataria. Marco and +Giuseppe, magnificently dressed, are seated on two thrones, +occupied in cleaning the crown and the sceptre. The Gondoliers +are discovered, dressed, some as courtiers, officers of rank, +etc., and others as private soldiers and servants of various +degrees. All are enjoying themselves without reference to social +distinctions--some playing cards, others throwing dice, some +reading, others playing cup and ball, "morra", etc. + + CHORUS OF MEN with MARCO and GIUSEPPE. + + Of happiness the very pith + In Barataria you may see: + A monarchy that's tempered with + Republican Equality. + This form of government we find + The beau ideal of its kind-- + A despotism strict combined + With absolute equality! + + MARCO and GIUSEPPE. + + Two kings, of undue pride bereft, + Who act in perfect unity, + Whom you can order right and left + With absolute impunity. + Who put their subjects at their ease + By doing all they can to please! + And thus, to earn their bread-and-cheese, + Seize every opportunity. + +CHORUS. Of happiness the very pith, etc. + + MAR. Gentlemen, we are much obliged to you for your +expressions of satisfaction and good feeling--I say, we are much +obliged to you for your expressions of satisfaction and good +feeling. + ALL. We heard you. + MAR. We are delighted, at any time, to fall in with +sentiments so charmingly expressed. + ALL. That's all right. + GIU. At the same time there is just one little grievance +that we should like to ventilate. + ALL (angrily). What? + GIU. Don't be alarmed--it's not serious. It is arranged +that, until it is decided which of us two is the actual King, we +are to act as one person. + GIORGIO. Exactly. + GIU. Now, although we act as one person, we are, in point +of fact, two persons. + ANNIBALE. Ah, I don't think we can go into that. It is a +legal fiction, and legal fictions are solemn things. Situated as +we are, we can't recognize two independent responsibilities. + GIU. No; but you can recognize two independent appetites. +It's all very well to say we act as one person, but when you +supply us with only one ration between us, I should describe it +as a legal fiction carried a little too far. + ANNI. It's rather a nice point. I don't like to express an +opinion off-hand. Suppose we reserve it for argument before the +full Court? + MAR. Yes, but what are we to do in the meantime? + MAR. and GIU. We want our tea. + ANNI. I think we may make an interim order for double +rations on their Majesties entering into the usual undertaking to +indemnify in the event of an adverse decision? + GIOR. That, I think, will meet the case. But you must work +hard--stick to it--nothing like work. + GIU. Oh, certainly. We quite understand that a man who +holds the magnificent position of King should do something to +justify it. We are called "Your Majesty"; we are allowed to buy +ourselves magnificent clothes; our subjects frequently nod to us +in the streets; the sentries always return our salutes; and we +enjoy the inestimable privilege of heading the subscription lists +to all the principal charities. In return for these advantages +the least we can do is to make ourselves useful about the Palace. + SONG--GIUSEPPE with CHORUS. + +Rising early in the morning, + We proceed to light the fire, +Then our Majesty adorning + In its workaday attire, + We embark without delay + On the duties of the day. + +First, we polish off some batches +Of political despatches, + And foreign politicians circumvent; +Then, if business isn't heavy, +We may hold a Royal levee, + Or ratify some Acts of Parliament. + Then we probably review the household troops-- + With the usual "Shalloo humps!" and "Shalloo hoops!" + Or receive with ceremonial and state +An interesting Eastern potentate. + After that we generally + Go and dress our private valet-- + (It's a rather nervous duty--he's a touchy little man)-- + Write some letters literary + For our private secretary-- + He is shaky in his spelling, so we help him if we can. + Then, in view of cravings inner, + We go down and order dinner; + Then we polish the Regalia and the Coronation Plate-- + Spend an hour in titivating + All our Gentlemen-in-Waiting; + Or we run on little errands for the Ministers of State. + + Oh, philosophers may sing + Of the troubles of a King; + Yet the duties are delightful, and the privileges great; + But the privilege and pleasure + That we treasure beyond measure + Is to run on little errands for the Ministers of State. + +CHORUS. Oh, philosophers may sing, etc. + +After luncheon (making merry +On a bun and glass of sherry), + If we've nothing in particular to do, +We may make a Proclamation, +Or receive a deputation-- + Then we possibly create a Peer or two. +Then we help a fellow-creature on his path +With the Garter or the Thistle or the Bath, +Or we dress and toddle off in semi-state +To a festival, a function, or a fete. + Then we go and stand as sentry + At the Palace (private entry), + Marching hither, marching thither, up and down and to and +fro, + While the warrior on duty + Goes in search of beer and beauty + (And it generally happens that he hasn't far to go). + He relieves us, if he's able, + Just in time to lay the table, + Then we dine and serve the coffee, and at half-past twelve +or one, + With a pleasure that's emphatic, + We retire to our attic + With the gratifying feeling that our duty has been done! + + Oh, philosophers may sing + Of the troubles of a King, + But of pleasures there are many and of worries there are +none; + And the culminating pleasure + That we treasure beyond measure + Is the gratifying feeling that our duty has been done! + +CHORUS. Oh, philosophers may sing, etc. + + (Exeunt all but Marco and +Giuseppe.) + + GIU. Yes, it really is a very pleasant existence. They're +all so singularly kind and considerate. You don't find them +wanting to do this, or wanting to do that, or saying "It's my +turn now." No, they let us have all the fun to ourselves, and +never seem to grudge it. + MAR. It makes one feel quite selfish. It almost seems like +taking advantage of their good nature. + GIU. How nice they were about the double rations. + MAR. Most considerate. Ah! there's only one thing wanting +to make us thoroughly comfortable. + GIU. And that is? + MAR. The dear little wives we left behind us three months +ago. + GIU. Yes, it is dull without female society. We can do +without everything else, but we can't do without that. + MAR. And if we have that in perfection, we have everything. +There is only one recipe for perfect happiness. + + SONG--MARCO. + + Take a pair of sparkling eyes, + Hidden, ever and anon, + In a merciful eclipse-- + Do not heed their mild surprise-- + Having passed the Rubicon, + Take a pair of rosy lips; + Take a figure trimly planned-- + Such as admiration whets-- + (Be particular in this); + Take a tender little hand, + Fringed with dainty fingerettes, + Press it--in parenthesis;-- + Ah! Take all these, you lucky man-- + Take and keep them, if you can! + + Take a pretty little cot-- + Quite a miniature affair-- + Hung about with trellised vine, + Furnish it upon the spot + With the treasures rich and rare + I've endeavoured to define. + Live to love and love to live-- + You will ripen at your ease, + Growing on the sunny side-- + Fate has nothing more to give. + You're a dainty man to please + If you are not satisfied. + Ah! Take my counsel, happy man; + Act upon it, if you can! + +(Enter Chorus of Contadine, running in, led by Fiametta and +Vittoria. They are met by all the Ex-Gondoliers, who welcome +them heartily.) + + SCENE--CHORUS OF GIRLS, QUARTET, DUET and CHORUS. + + Here we are, at the risk of our lives, + From ever so far, and we've brought your wives-- + And to that end we've crossed the main, + And don't intend to return again! + +FIA. Though obedience is strong, + Curiosity's stronger-- + We waited for long, + Till we couldn't wait longer. + +VIT. It's imprudent, we know, + But without your society + Existence was slow, + And we wanted variety-- + +BOTH. Existence was slow, and we wanted variety. + +ALL. So here we are, at the risk of our lives, + From ever so far, and we've brought your wives-- + And to that end we've crossed the main, + And don't intend to return again! + +(Enter Gianetta and Tessa. They rush to the arms of Marco and +Giuseppe.) + +GIU. Tessa! +TESS. Giuseppe! {All embrace.} +GIA. Marco! +MAR. Gianetta! + + TESSA and GIANETTA. + +TESS. After sailing to this island-- +GIA. Tossing in a manner frightful, +TESS. We are all once more on dry land-- +GIA. And we find the change delightful, +TESS. As at home we've been remaining-- + We've not seen you both for ages, +GIA. Tell me, are you fond of reigning?-- + How's the food, and what's the wages? +TESS. Does your new employment please ye?-- +GIA. How does Royalizing strike you? +TESS. Is it difficult or easy?-- +GIA. Do you think your subjects like you? +TESS. I am anxious to elicit, + Is it plain and easy steering? +GIA. Take it altogether, is it + Better fun than gondoliering? +BOTH. We shall both go on requesting + Till you tell us, never doubt it; + Everything is interesting, + Tell us, tell us all about it! + +CHORUS. They will both go on requesting, etc. + +TESS. Is the populace exacting? +GIA. Do they keep you at a distance? +TESS. All unaided are you acting, +GIA. Or do they provide assistance? +TESS. When you're busy, have you got to + Get up early in the morning? +GIA. If you do what you ought not to, + Do they give the usual warning? +TESS. With a horse do they equip you? +GIA. Lots of trumpeting and drumming? +TESS. Do the Royal tradesmen tip you? +GIA. Ain't the livery becoming! +TESS. Does your human being inner + Feed on everything that nice is? +GIA. Do they give you wine for dinner; + Peaches, sugar-plums, and ices? +BOTH. We shall both go on requesting + Till you tell us, never doubt it; + Everything is interesting, + Tell us, tell us all about it! + +CHORUS. They will both go on requesting, etc. + + MAR. This is indeed a most delightful surprise! + TESS. Yes, we thought you'd like it. You see, it was like +this. After you left we felt very dull and mopey, and the days +crawled by, and you never wrote; so at last I said to Gianetta, +"I can't stand this any longer; those two poor Monarchs haven't +got any one to mend their stockings or sew on their buttons or +patch their clothes--at least, I hope they haven't--let us all +pack up a change and go and see how they're getting on." And she +said, "Done," and they all said, "Done"; and we asked old Giacopo +to lend us his boat, and he said, "Done"; and we've crossed the +sea, and, thank goodness, that's done; and here we are, +and--and--I've done! + GIA. And now--which of you is King? + TESS. And which of us is Queen? + GIU. That we shan't know until Nurse turns up. But never +mind that--the question is, how shall we celebrate the +commencement of our honeymoon? Gentlemen, will you allow us to +offer you a magnificent banquet? + ALL. We will! + GIU. Thanks very much; and, ladies, what do you say to a +dance? + TESS. A banquet and a dance! O, it's too much happiness! + + CHORUS and DANCE. + + Dance a cachucha, fandango, bolero, + Xeres we'll drink--Manzanilla, Montero-- + Wine, when it runs in abundance, enhances + The reckless delight of that wildest of dances! + To the pretty pitter-pitter-patter, + And the clitter-clitter-clitter-clatter-- + Clitter--clitter--clatter, + Pitter--pitter--patter, + Patter, patter, patter, patter, we'll dance. + Old Xeres we'll drink--Manzanilla, Montero; + For wine, when it runs in abundance, enhances + The reckless delight of that wildest of dances! + +(Cachucha.) + +(The dance is interrupted by the unexpected appearance of Don +Alhambra, who looks on with astonishment. Marco and Giuseppe +appear embarrassed. The others run off, except Drummer Boy, who +is driven off by Don Alhambra.) + + DON AL. Good evening. Fancy ball? + GIU. No, not exactly. A little friendly dance. That's +all. Sorry you're late. + DON AL. But I saw a groom dancing, and a footman! + MAR. Yes. That's the Lord High Footman. + DON AL. And, dear me, a common little drummer boy! + GIU. Oh no! That's the Lord High Drummer Boy. + DON AL. But surely, surely the servants'-hall is the place +for these gentry? + GIU. Oh dear no! We have appropriated the servants'-hall. +It's the Royal Apartment, and accessible only by tickets +obtainable at the Lord Chamberlain's office. + MAR. We really must have some place that we can call our +own. + DON AL. (puzzled). I'm afraid I'm not quite equal to the +intellectual pressure of the conversation. + GIU. You see, the Monarchy has been re-modelled on +Republican principles. + DON AL. What! + GIU. All departments rank equally, and everybody is at the +head of his department. + DON AL. I see. + MAR. I'm afraid you're annoyed. + DON AL. No. I won't say that. It's not quite what I +expected. + GIU. I'm awfully sorry. + MAR. So am I. + GIU. By the by, can I offer you anything after your voyage? +A plate of macaroni and a rusk? + DON AL. (preoccupied). No, no--nothing--nothing. + GIU. Obliged to be careful? + DON AL. Yes--gout. You see, in every Court there are +distinctions that must be observed. + GIU. (puzzled). There are, are there? + DON AL. Why, of course. For instance, you wouldn't have a +Lord High Chancellor play leapfrog with his own cook. + MAR. Why not? + DON AL. Why not! Because a Lord High Chancellor is a +personage of great dignity, who should never, under any +circumstances, place himself in the position of being told to +tuck in his tuppenny, except by noblemen of his own rank. A Lord +High Archbishop, for instance, might tell a Lord High Chancellor +to tuck in his tuppenny, but certainly not a cook, gentlemen, +certainly not a cook. + GIU. Not even a Lord High Cook? + DON AL. My good friend, that is a rank that is not +recognized at the Lord Chamberlain's office. No, no, it won't +do. I'll give you an instance in which the experiment was tried. + + SONG--DON ALHAMBRA, with MARCO and GIUSEPPE. + +DON AL. There lived a King, as I've been told, + In the wonder-working days of old, + When hearts were twice as good as gold, + And twenty times as mellow. + Good-temper triumphed in his face, + And in his heart he found a place + For all the erring human race + And every wretched fellow. + When he had Rhenish wine to drink + It made him very sad to think + That some, at junket or at jink, + Must be content with toddy. + +MAR. and GIU. With toddy, must be content with toddy. + +DON AL. He wished all men as rich as he + (And he was rich as rich could be), + So to the top of every tree + Promoted everybody. + +MAR. and GIU. Now, that's the kind of King for me. + He wished all men as rich as he, + So to the top of every tree + Promoted everybody! + +DON AL. Lord Chancellors were cheap as sprats, + And Bishops in their shovel hats + Were plentiful as tabby cats-- + In point of fact, too many. + Ambassadors cropped up like hay, + Prime Ministers and such as they + Grew like asparagus in May, + And Dukes were three a penny. + On every side Field-Marshals gleamed, + Small beer were Lords-Lieutenant deemed, + With Admirals the ocean teemed + All round his wide dominions. + +MAR. and GIU. With Admirals all round his wide dominions. + +DON AL. And Party Leaders you might meet + In twos and threes in every street + Maintaining, with no little heat, + Their various opinions. + +MAR. and GIU. Now that's a sight you couldn't beat-- + Two Party Leaders in each street + Maintaining, with no little heat, + Their various opinions. + +DON AL. That King, although no one denies + His heart was of abnormal size, + Yet he'd have acted otherwise + If he had been acuter. + The end is easily foretold, + When every blessed thing you hold + Is made of silver, or of gold, + You long for simple pewter. + When you have nothing else to wear + But cloth of gold and satins rare, + For cloth of gold you cease to care-- + Up goes the price of shoddy. + +MAR. and GIU. Of shoddy, up goes the price of shoddy. + +DON AL. In short, whoever you may be, + To this conclusion you'll agree, + When every one is somebodee, + Then no one's anybody! + +MAR. and GIU. Now that's as plain as plain can be, + To this conclusion we agree-- + +ALL. When every one is somebodee, + Then no one's anybody! + +(Gianetta and Tessa enter unobserved. The two girls, impelled by +curiosity, remain listening at the back of the stage.) + + DON AL. And now I have some important news to communicate. +His Grace the Duke of Plaza-Toro, Her Grace the Duchess, and +their beautiful daughter Casilda--I say their beautiful daughter +Casilda-- + GIU. We heard you. + DON AL. Have arrived at Barataria, and may be here at any +moment. + MAR. The Duke and Duchess are nothing to us. + DON AL. But the daughter--the beautiful daughter! Aha! +Oh, you're a lucky dog, one of you! + GIU. I think you're a very incomprehensible old gentleman. + DON AL. Not a bit--I'll explain. Many years ago when you +(whichever you are) were a baby, you (whichever you are) were +married to a little girl who has grown up to be the most +beautiful young lady in Spain. That beautiful young lady will be +here to claim you (whichever you are) in half an hour, and I +congratulate that one (whichever it is) with all my heart. + MAR. Married when a baby! + GIU. But we were married three months ago! + DON AL. One of you--only one. The other (whichever it is) +is an unintentional bigamist. + GIA. and TESS. (coming forward). Well, upon my word! + DON AL. Eh? Who are these young people? + TESS. Who are we? Why, their wives, of course. We've just +arrived. + DON AL. Their wives! Oh dear, this is very unfortunate! +Oh dear, this complicates matters! Dear, dear, what will Her +Majesty say? + GIA. And do you mean to say that one of these Monarchs was +already married? + TESS. And that neither of us will be a Queen? + DON AL. That is the idea I intended to convey. (Tessa and +Gianetta begin to cry.) + GIU. (to Tessa). Tessa, my dear, dear child-- + TESS. Get away! perhaps it's you! + MAR. (to Gia.). My poor, poor little woman! + GIA. Don't! Who knows whose husband you are? + TESS. And pray, why didn't you tell us all about it before +they left Venice? + DON AL. Because, if I had, no earthly temptation would have +induced these gentlemen to leave two such extremely fascinating +and utterly irresistible little ladies! + TESS. There's something in that. + DON AL. I may mention that you will not be kept long in +suspense, as the old lady who nursed the Royal child is at +present in the torture chamber, waiting for me to interview her. + GIU. Poor old girl. Hadn't you better go and put her out +of her suspense? + DON AL. Oh no--there's no hurry--she's all right. She has +all the illustrated papers. However, I'll go and interrogate +her, and, in the meantime, may I suggest the absolute propriety +of your regarding yourselves as single young ladies. Good +evening! + (Exit Don +Alhambra.) + GIA. Well, here's a pleasant state of things! + MAR. Delightful. One of us is married to two young ladies, +and nobody knows which; and the other is married to one young +lady whom nobody can identify! + GIA. And one of us is married to one of you, and the other +is married to nobody. + TESS. But which of you is married to which of us, and +what's to become of the other? (About to cry.) + GIU. It's quite simple. Observe. Two husbands have +managed to acquire three wives. Three wives--two husbands. +(Reckoning up.) That's two-thirds of a husband to each wife. + TESS. O Mount Vesuvius, here we are in arithmetic! My good +sir, one can't marry a vulgar fraction! + GIU. You've no right to call me a vulgar fraction. + MAR. We are getting rather mixed. The situation is +entangled. Let's try and comb it out. + + QUARTET--MARCO, GIUSEPPE, GIANETTA, TESSA. + + In a contemplative fashion, + And a tranquil frame of mind, + Free from every kind of passion, + Some solution let us find. + Let us grasp the situation, + Solve the complicated plot-- + Quiet, calm deliberation + Disentangles every knot. + +TESS.I, no doubt, Giuseppe wedded-- THE OTHERS. In a +contemplative + That's, of course, a slice of luck fashion, +etc. + He is rather dunder-headed. + Still distinctly, he's a duck. + +GIA. I, a victim, too, of Cupid, THE OTHERS. Let +us grasp the + Marco married - that is clear. situation, +etc. + He's particularly stupid, + Still distinctly, he's a dear. + +MAR. To Gianetta I was mated; THE OTHERS. In a +contemplative + I can prove it in a trice: fashion, +etc. + Though her charms are overrated, + Still I own she's rather nice. + +GIU. I to Tessa, willy-nilly, THE OTHERS. Let us +grasp the + All at once a victim fell. situation, +etc. + She is what is called a silly, + Still she answers pretty well. + +MAR. Now when we were pretty babies + Some one married us, that's clear-- + +GIA. And if I can catch her + I'll pinch her and scratch her + And send her away with a flea in her ear. + +GIU. He whom that young lady married, + To receive her can't refuse. + +TESS. If I overtake her + I'll warrant I'll make her + To shake in her aristocratical shoes! + +GIA. (to Tess.). If she married your Giuseppe + You and he will have to part-- + +TESS. (to Gia.). If I have to do it + I'll warrant she'll rue it-- + I'll teach her to marry the man of my heart! + +TESS. (to Gia.). If she married Messer Marco + You're a spinster, that is plain-- + +GIA. (to Tess.). No matter--no matter. + If I can get at her + I doubt if her mother will know her again! + +ALL. Quiet, calm deliberation + Disentangles every knot! + + (Exeunt, +pondering.) + +(March. Enter procession of Retainers, heralding approach of +Duke, Duchess, and Casilda. All three are now dressed with the +utmost magnificence.) + + + CHORUS OF MEN, with DUKE and DUCHESS. + + With ducal pomp and ducal pride + (Announce these comers, + O ye kettle-drummers!) + Comes Barataria's high-born bride. + (Ye sounding cymbals clang!) + She comes to claim the Royal hand-- + (Proclaim their Graces, + O ye double basses!) + Of the King who rules this goodly land. + (Ye brazen brasses bang!) + +DUKE and This polite attention touches +DUCH. Heart of Duke and heart of Duchess + Who resign their pet + With profound regret. + She of beauty was a model + When a tiny tiddle-toddle, + And at twenty-one + She's excelled by none! + +CHORUS. With ducal pomp and ducal pride, etc. + +DUKE (to his attendants). Be good enough to inform His Majesty +that His Grace the Duke of Plaza-Toro, Limited, has arrived, and +begs-- + CAS. Desires-- + DUCH. Demands-- + DUKE. And demands an audience. (Exeunt attendants.) And +now, my child, prepare to receive the husband to whom you were +united under such interesting and romantic circumstances. + CAS. But which is it? There are two of them! + DUKE. It is true that at present His Majesty is a double +gentleman; but as soon as the circumstances of his marriage are +ascertained, he will, ipso facto, boil down to a single +gentleman--thus presenting a unique example of an individual who +becomes a single man and a married man by the same operation. + DUCH. (severely). I have known instances in which the +characteristics of both conditions existed concurrently in the +same individual. + DUKE. Ah, he couldn't have been a Plaza-Toro. + DUCH. Oh! couldn't he, though! + CAS. Well, whatever happens, I shall, of course, be a +dutiful wife, but I can never love my husband. + DUKE. I don't know. It's extraordinary what +unprepossessing people one can love if one gives one's mind to +it. + DUCH. I loved your father. + DUKE. My love--that remark is a little hard, I think? +Rather cruel, perhaps? Somewhat uncalled-for, I venture to +believe? + DUCH. It was very difficult, my dear; but I said to myself, +"That man is a Duke, and I will love him." Several of my +relations bet me I couldn't, but I did--desperately! + + SONG--DUCHESS. + + On the day when I was wedded + To your admirable sire, + I acknowledge that I dreaded + An explosion of his ire. + I was overcome with panic-- + For his temper was volcanic, + And I didn't dare revolt, + For I feared a thunderbolt! + I was always very wary, + For his fury was ecstatic-- + His refined vocabulary + Most unpleasantly emphatic. + To the thunder + Of this Tartar + I knocked under + Like a martyr; + When intently + He was fuming, + I was gently + Unassuming-- + When reviling + Me completely, + I was smiling + Very sweetly: +Giving him the very best, and getting back the very worst-- +That is how I tried to tame your great progenitor--at first! + But I found that a reliance + On my threatening appearance, + And a resolute defiance + Of marital interference, + And a gentle intimation + Of my firm determination + To see what I could do + To be wife and husband too + Was the only thing required + For to make his temper supple, + And you couldn't have desired + A more reciprocating couple. + Ever willing + To be wooing, + We were billing-- + We were cooing; + When I merely + From him parted, + We were nearly + Broken-hearted-- + When in sequel + Reunited, + We were equal- + Ly delighted. +So with double-shotted guns and colours nailed unto the mast, +I tamed your insignificant progenitor--at last! + + CAS. My only hope is that when my husband sees what a shady +family he has married into he will repudiate the contract +altogether. + DUKE. Shady? A nobleman shady, who is blazing in the +lustre of unaccustomed pocket-money? A nobleman shady, who can +look back upon ninety-five quarterings? It is not every nobleman +who is ninety-five quarters in arrear--I mean, who can look back +upon ninety-five of them! And this, just as I have been floated +at a premium! Oh fie! + DUCH. Your Majesty is surely unaware that directly your +Majesty's father came before the public he was applied for over +and over again. + DUKE. My dear, Her Majesty's father was in the habit of +being applied for over and over again--and very urgently applied +for, too--long before he was registered under the Limited +Liability Act. + + RECITATIVE--DUKE. + + To help unhappy commoners, and add to their enjoyment, + Affords a man of noble rank congenial employment; + Of our attempts we offer you examples illustrative: + The work is light, and, I may add, it's most remunerative. + + DUET--DUKE and DUCHESS. + +DUKE. Small titles and orders + For Mayors and Recorders + I get--and they're highly delighted-- + +DUCH. They're highly delighted! + +DUKE. M.P.'s baronetted, + Sham Colonels gazetted, + And second-rate Aldermen knighted-- + +DUCH. Yes, Aldermen knighted. + +DUKE. Foundation-stone laying + I find very paying: + It adds a large sum to my makings-- + +DUCH. Large sums to his makings. + +DUKE. At charity dinners + The best of speech-spinners, + I get ten per cent on the takings-- + +DUCH. One-tenth of the takings. + +DUCH. I present any lady + Whose conduct is shady + Or smacking of doubtful propriety-- + +DUKE. Doubtful propriety. + +DUCH. When Virtue would quash her, + I take and whitewash her, + And launch her in first-rate society-- + +DUKE. First-rate society! + +DUCH. I recommend acres + Of clumsy dressmakers-- + Their fit and their finishing touches-- + +DUKE. Their finishing touches. + +DUCH. A sum in addition + They pay for permission + To say that they make for the Duchess-- + +DUKE. They make for the Duchess! + +DUKE. Those pressing prevailers, + The ready-made tailors, + Quote me as their great double-barrel-- + +DUCH. Their great double-barrel-- + +DUKE. I allow them to do so, + Though Robinson Crusoe + Would jib at their wearing apparel-- + +DUCH. Such wearing apparel! + +DUKE. I sit, by selection, + Upon the direction + Of several Companies bubble-- + +DUCH. All Companies bubble! + +DUKE. As soon as they're floated + I'm freely bank-noted-- + I'm pretty well paid for my trouble-- + +DUCH. He's paid for his trouble! + +DUCH. At middle-class party + I play at ecarte-- + And I'm by no means a beginner-- + +DUKE (significantly). She's not a beginner. + +DUCH. To one of my station + The remuneration-- + Five guineas a night and my dinner-- + +DUKE. And wine with her dinner. + +DUCH. I write letters blatant + On medicines patent-- + And use any other you mustn't-- + +DUKE. Believe me, you mustn't-- + +DUCH. And vow my complexion + Derives its perfection + From somebody's soap--which it doesn't-- + +DUKE. (significantly). It certainly doesn't! + +DUKE. We're ready as witness + To any one's fitness + To fill any place or preferment-- + +DUCH. A place or preferment. + +DUCH. We're often in waiting + At junket or feting, + And sometimes attend an interment-- + +DUKE. We enjoy an interment. + +BOTH. In short, if you'd kindle + The spark of a swindle, + Lure simpletons into your clutches-- + Yes; into your clutches. + Or hoodwink a debtor, + You cannot do better + +DUCH. Than trot out a Duke or a Duchess-- + +DUKE. A Duke or a Duchess! + +(Enter Marco and Giuseppe.) + + DUKE. Ah! Their Majesties. Your Majesty! (Bows with +great ceremony.) + MAR. The Duke of Plaza-Toro, I believe? + DUKE. The same. (Marco and Giuseppe offer to shake hands +with him. The Duke bows ceremoniously. They endeavour to +imitate him.) Allow me to present-- + GIU. The young lady one of us married? + +(Marco and Giuseppe offer to shake hands with her. Casilda +curtsies formally. They endeavour to imitate her.) + + CAS. Gentlemen, I am the most obedient servant of one of +you. (Aside.) Oh, Luiz! + DUKE. I am now about to address myself to the gentleman +whom my daughter married; the other may allow his attention to +wander if he likes, for what I am about to say does not concern +him. Sir, you will find in this young lady a combination of +excellences which you would search for in vain in any young lady +who had not the good fortune to be my daughter. There is some +little doubt as to which of you is the gentleman I am addressing, +and which is the gentleman who is allowing his attention to +wander; but when that doubt is solved, I shall say (still +addressing the attentive gentleman), "Take her, and may she make +you happier than her mother has made me." + DUCH. Sir! + DUKE. If possible. And now there is a little matter to +which I think I am entitled to take exception. I come here in +state with Her Grace the Duchess and Her Majesty my daughter, and +what do I find? Do I find, for instance, a guard of honour to +receive me? No! + MAR. and GIU. No. + DUKE. The town illuminated? No! + MAR. and GIU. No. + DUKE. Refreshment provided? No! + MAR. and GIU. No. + DUKE. A Royal salute fired? No! + MAR. and GIU. No. + DUKE. Triumphal arches erected? No! + MAR. and GIU. No. + DUKE. The bells set ringing? + MAR. and GIU. No. + DUKE. Yes--one--the Visitors', and I rang it myself. It is +not enough! It is not enough! + GIU. Upon my honour, I'm very sorry; but you see, I was +brought up in a gondola, and my ideas of politeness are confined +to taking off my cap to my passengers when they tip me. + DUCH. That's all very well in its way, but it is not +enough. + GIU. I'll take off anything else in reason. + DUKE. But a Royal Salute to my daughter--it costs so +little. + CAS. Papa, I don't want a salute. + GIU. My dear sir, as soon as we know which of us is +entitled to take that liberty she shall have as many salutes as +she likes. + MAR. As for guards of honour and triumphal arches, you +don't know our people--they wouldn't stand it. + GIU. They are very off-hand with us--very off-hand indeed. + DUKE. Oh, but you mustn't allow that--you must keep them in +proper discipline, you must impress your Court with your +importance. You want deportment--carriage-- + GIU. We've got a carriage. + DUKE. Manner--dignity. There must be a good deal of this +sort of thing--(business)--and a little of this sort of +thing--(business)--and possibly just a Soupcon of this sort of +thing!--(business)--and so on. Oh, it's very useful, and most +effective. Just attend to me. You are a King--I am a subject. +Very good-- + (Gavotte.) + + DUKE, DUCHESS, CASILDA, MARCO, GIUSEPPE. + +DUKE. I am a courtier grave and serious + Who is about to kiss your hand: + Try to combine a pose imperious + With a demeanour nobly bland. + +MAR. and Let us combine a pose imperious +GIU. With a demeanour nobly bland. + +(Marco and Giuseppe endeavour to carry out his instructions.) + +DUKE. That's, if anything, too unbending-- + Too aggressively stiff and grand; + +(They suddenly modify their attitudes.) + + Now to the other extreme you're tending-- + Don't be so deucedly condescending! + +DUCH. and Now to the other extreme you're tending-- +CAS. Don't be so dreadfully condescending! + +MAR. and Oh, hard to please some noblemen seem! +GIU. At first, if anything, too unbending; + Off we go to the other extreme-- + Too confoundedly condescending! + +DUKE. Now a gavotte perform sedately-- + Offer your hand with conscious pride; + Take an attitude not too stately, + Still sufficiently dignified. + +MAR. and Now for an attitude not too stately, +GIU. Still sufficiently dignified. + +(They endeavour to carry out his instructions.) + +DUKE (beating Oncely, twicely--oncely, twicely-- +time). Bow impressively ere you glide. + (They +do so.) + + Capital both, capital +both--you've caught it nicely! + That is the style of thing precisely! + +DUCH. and Capital both, capital both--they've +caught it nicely! +CAS. That is the style of thing precisely! + +MAR. and Oh, sweet to earn a nobleman's praise! +GIU. Capital both, capital both--we've caught it +nicely! + Supposing he's right in what he says, + This is the style of +thing precisely! + +(Gavotte. At the end exeunt Duke and Duchess, leaving Casilda +with Marco and Giuseppe.) + + GIU. (to Marco). The old birds have gone away and left the +young chickens together. That's called tact. + MAR. It's very awkward. We really ought to tell her how we +are situated. It's not fair to the girl. + GIU. Then why don't you do it? + MAR. I'd rather not--you. + GIU. I don't know how to begin. (To Casilda.) +Er--Madam--I--we, that is, several of us-- + CAS. Gentlemen, I am bound to listen to you; but it is +right to tell you that, not knowing I was married in infancy, I +am over head and ears in love with somebody else. + GIU. Our case exactly! We are over head and ears in love +with somebody else! (Enter Gianetta and Tessa.) In point of +fact, with our wives! + CAS. Your wives! Then you are married? + TESS. It's not our fault. + GIA. We knew nothing about it. + BOTH. We are sisters in misfortune. + CAS. My good girls, I don't blame you. Only before we go +any further we must really arrive at some satisfactory +arrangement, or we shall get hopelessly complicated. + + QUINTET AND FINALE. + + MARCO, GIUSEPPE, CASILDA, GIANETTA, TESSA. + +ALL. Here is a case unprecedented! + Here are a King and Queen ill-starred! + Ever since marriage was first invented + Never was known a case so hard! + +MAR. and I may be said to have been bisected, +GIU. By a profound catastrophe! + +CAS., GIA., Through a calamity unexpected +TESS. I am divisible into three! + +ALL. O moralists all, + How can you call + Marriage a state of unitee, + When excellent husbands are bisected, + And wives divisible into three? + O moralists all, + How can you call + Marriage a state of union true? + +CAS., GIA., One-third of myself is married to half of +ye +TESS. or you, + +MAR. and When half of myself has married one-third of ye +GIU. or you? + +(Enter Don Alhambra, followed by Duke, Duchess, and all the +Chorus.) + + FINALE. + + RECITATIVE--DON ALHAMBRA. + + Now let the loyal lieges gather round-- + The Prince's foster-mother has been found! + She will declare, to silver clarion's sound, + The rightful King--let him forthwith be crowned! + +CHORUS. She will declare, etc. + +(Don Alhambra brings forward Inez, the Prince's foster-mother.) + +TESS. Speak, woman, speak-- +DUKE. We're all attention! +GIA. The news we seek- +DUCH. This moment mention. +CAS. To us they bring-- +DON AL. His foster-mother. +MAR. Is he the King? +GIU. Or this my brother? + +ALL. Speak, woman, speak, etc. + + RECITATIVE--INEZ. + + The Royal Prince was by the King entrusted + To my fond care, ere I grew old and crusted; + When traitors came to steal his son reputed, + My own small boy I deftly substituted! + The villains fell into the trap completely-- + I hid the Prince away--still sleeping sweetly: + I called him "son" with pardonable slyness-- + His name, Luiz! Behold his Royal Highness! + +(Sensation. Luiz ascends the throne, crowned and robed as King.) + +CAS. (rushing to his arms). Luiz! +LUIZ. Casilda! (Embrace.) + +ALL. Is this indeed the King? + Oh, wondrous revelation! + Oh, unexpected thing! + Unlooked-for situation! + +MAR., GIA., This statement we receive +GIU., TESS. With sentiments conflicting; + Our hearts rejoice and grieve, + Each other contradicting; + To those whom we adore + We can be reunited-- + On one point rather sore, + But, on the whole, delighted! + +LUIZ. When others claimed thy dainty hand, + I waited--waited--waited, + +DUKE. As prudence (so I understand) + Dictated--tated--tated. + +CAS. By virtue of our early vow + Recorded--corded--corded, + +DUCH. Your pure and patient love is now + Rewarded--warded--warded. + +ALL. Then hail, O King of a Golden Land, + And the high-born bride who claims his hand! + The past is dead, and you gain your own, + A royal crown and a golden throne! + +(All kneel: Luiz crowns Casilda.) + +ALL. Once more gondolieri, + Both skilful and wary, + Free from this quandary + Contented are we. Ah! + From Royalty flying, + Our gondolas plying, + And merrily crying + Our "preme," "stali!" Ah! + + So good-bye, cachucha, fandango, bolero-- + We'll dance a farewell to that measure-- + Old Xeres, adieu--Manzanilla--Montero-- + We leave you with feelings of pleasure! + + CURTAIN + + + + + THE GRAND DUKE + + OR + + THE STATUTORY DUEL + + by W. S. Gilbert + + +DRAMATIS PERSONAE. + +RUDOLPH (Grand Duke of Pfennig Halbpfennig). +ERNEST DUMMKOPF (a Theatrical Manager). +LUDWIG (his Leading Comedian). +DR. TANNHUSER (a Notary). +THE PRINCE OF MONTE CARLO. +VISCOUNT MENTONE. +BEN HASHBAZ (a Costumier). +HERALD. + +---- + +THE PRINCESS OF MONTE CARLO (betrothed to RUDOLPH). +THE BARONESS VON KRAKENFELDT (betrothed to RUDOLPH). +JULIA JELLICOE (an English Comdienne). +LISA (a Soubrette). +Members of Ernest Dummkopf's Company: + OLGA + GRETCHEN + BERTHA + ELSA + MARTHA +Chamberlains, Nobles, Actors, Actresses, etc. + +---- + +ACT I.--Scene. Public Square of Speisesaal. + +ACT II.--Scene. Hall in the Grand Ducal Palace. + + Date 1750. + +First produced at the Savoy Theatre on March 7, 1896. + + ACT I. + +SCENE.--Market-place of Speisesaal, in the Grand Duchy of Pfennig +Halbpfennig. A well, with decorated ironwork, up L.C. GRETCHEN, +BERTHA, OLGA, MARTHA, and other members of ERNEST DUMMKOPF'S +theatrical company are discovered, seated at several small +tables, enjoying a repast in honour of the nuptials of LUDWIG, +his leading comedian, and LISA, his soubrette. + +CHORUS. + + Won't it be a pretty wedding? + Will not Lisa look delightful? + Smiles and tears in plenty shedding-- + Which in brides of course is rightful + One could say, if one were spiteful, + Contradiction little dreading, + Her bouquet is simply frightful-- + Still, 'twill be a pretty wedding! + Oh, it is a pretty wedding! + Such a pretty, pretty wedding! + +ELSA. If her dress is badly fitting, + Theirs the fault who made her trousseau. + +BERTHA. If her gloves are always splitting, + Cheap kid gloves, we know, will do so. + +OLGA. If upon her train she stumbled, + On one's train one's always treading. + +GRET. If her hair is rather tumbled, + Still, 'twill be a pretty wedding! + +CHORUS. Such a pretty, pretty wedding! + +CHORUS. + + Here they come, the couple plighted-- + On life's journey gaily start them. + Soon to be for aye united, + Till divorce or death shall part them. + +(LUDWIG and LISA come forward.) + + DUET--LUDWIG and LISA. + +LUD. Pretty Lisa, fair and tasty, + Tell me now, and tell me truly, + Haven't you been rather hasty? + Haven't you been rash unduly? + Am I quite the dashing sposo + That your fancy could depict you? + Perhaps you think I'm only so-so? + (She expresses admiration.) + Well, I will not contradict you! + +CHORUS. No, he will not contradict you! + +LISA. Who am I to raise objection? + I'm a child, untaught and homely-- + When you tell me you're perfection, + Tender, truthful, true, and comely-- + That in quarrel no one's bolder, + Though dissensions always grieve you-- + Why, my love, you're so much older + That, of course, I must believe you! + +CHORUS. Yes, of course, she must believe you! + +CHORUS. + If he ever acts unkindly, + Shut your eyes and love him blindly-- + Should he call you names uncomely, + Shut your mouth and love him dumbly-- + Should he rate you, rightly--leftly-- + Shut your ears and love him deafly. + Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! + Thus and thus and thus alone + Ludwig's wife may hold her own! + +(LUDWIG and LISA sit at table.) + +Enter NOTARY TANNHAUSER. + + NOT. Hallo! Surely I'm not late? (All chatter +unintelligibly in reply.) + NOT. But, dear me, you're all at breakfast! Has the +wedding taken place? (All chatter unintelligibly in reply.) + NOT. My good girls, one at a time, I beg. Let me +understand the situation. As solicitor to the conspiracy to +dethrone the Grand Duke--a conspiracy in which the members of +this company are deeply involved--I am invited to the marriage of +two of its members. I present myself in due course, and I find, +not only that the ceremony has taken place--which is not of the +least consequence --but the wedding breakfast is half +eaten--which is a consideration of the most serious importance. + +(LUDWIG and LISA come down.) + + LUD. But the ceremony has not taken place. We can't get a +parson! + NOT. Can't get a parson! Why, how's that? They're three +a +penny! + LUD. Oh, it's the old story--the Grand Duke! + ALL. Ugh! + LUD. It seems that the little imp has selected this, our +wedding day, for a convocation of all the clergy in the town to +settle the details of his approaching marriage with the +enormously wealthy Baroness von Krakenfeldt, and there won't be a +parson to be had for love or money until six o'clock this +evening! + LISA. And as we produce our magnificent classical revival +of Troilus and Cressida to-night at seven, we have no alternative +but to eat our wedding breakfast before we've earned it. So sit +down, and make the best of it. + GRET. Oh, I should like to pull his Grand Ducal ears for +him, that I should! He's the meanest, the cruellest, the most +spiteful little ape in Christendom! + OLGA. Well, we shall soon be freed from his tyranny. +To-morrow the Despot is to be dethroned! + LUD. Hush, rash girl! You know not what you say. + OLGA. Don't be absurd! We're all in it--we're all tiled, +here. + LUD. That has nothing to do with it. Know ye not that in +alluding to our conspiracy without having first given and +received the secret sign, you are violating a fundamental +principle of our Association? + + SONG--LUDWIG. + + By the mystic regulation + Of our dark Association, + Ere you open conversation + With another kindred soul, + You must eat a sausage-roll! (Producing one.) + +ALL. You must eat a sausage-roll! + +LUD. If, in turn, he eats another, + That's a sign that he's a brother-- + Each may fully trust the other. + It is quaint and it is droll, + But it's bilious on the whole. + +ALL. Very bilious on the whole. + +LUD. It's a greasy kind of pasty, + Which, perhaps, a judgement hasty + Might consider rather tasty: + Once (to speak without disguise) + It found favour in our eyes. + +ALL. It found favour in our eyes. + +LUD. But when you've been six months feeding + (As we have) on this exceeding + Bilious food, it's no ill-breeding + If at these repulsive pies + Our offended gorges rise! + +ALL. Our offended gorges rise! + + MARTHA. Oh, bother the secret sign! I've eaten it until +I'm quite uncomfortable! I've given it six times already +to-day--and (whimpering) I can't eat any breakfast! + BERTHA. And it's so unwholesome. Why, we should all be as +yellow as frogs if it wasn't for the make-up! + LUD. All this is rank treason to the cause. I suffer as +much as any of you. I loathe the repulsive thing--I can't +contemplate it without a shudder--but I'm a conscientious +conspirator, and if you won't give the sign I will. (Eats +sausage-roll with an effort.) + LISA. Poor martyr! He's always at it, and it's a wonder +where he puts it! + NOT. Well now, about Troilus and Cressida. What do you +play? + LUD. (struggling with his feelings). If you'll be so +obliging as to wait until I've got rid of this feeling of warm +oil at the bottom of my throat, I'll tell you all about it. +(LISA gives him some brandy.) Thank you, my love; it's gone. +Well, the piece will be produced upon a scale of unexampled +magnificence. It is confidently predicted that my appearance as +King Agamemnon, in a Louis Quatorze wig, will mark an epoch in +the theatrical annals of Pfennig Halbpfennig. I endeavoured to +persuade Ernest Dummkopf, our manager, to lend us the classical +dresses for our marriage. Think of the effect of a real Athenian +wedding procession cavorting through the streets of Speisesaal! +Torches burning--cymbals banging--flutes tootling--citharae +twanging--and a throng of fifty lovely Spartan virgins capering +before us, all down the High Street, singing "Eloia! Eloia! +Opoponax, Eloia!" It would have been tremendous! + NOT. And he declined? + LUD. He did, on the prosaic ground that it might rain, and +the ancient Greeks didn't carry umbrellas! If, as is confidently +expected, Ernest Dummkopf is elected to succeed the dethroned +one, mark any words, he will make a mess of it. + [Exit LUDWIG with LISA. + OLGA. He's sure to be elected. His entire company has +promised to plump for him on the understanding that all the +places about the Court are filled by members of his troupe, +according to professional precedence. + +ERNEST enters in great excitement. + + BERTHA (looking off). Here comes Ernest Dummkopf. Now we +shall know all about it! + ALL. Well--what's the news? How is the election going? + ERN. Oh, it's a certainty--a practical certainty! Two of +the candidates have been arrested for debt, and the third is a +baby in arms--so, if you keep your promises, and vote solid, I'm +cocksure of election! + OLGA. Trust to us. But you remember the conditions? + ERN. Yes--all of you shall be provided for, for life. +Every man shall be ennobled--every lady shall have unlimited +credit at the Court Milliner's, and all salaries shall be paid +weekly in advance! + GRET. Oh, it's quite clear he knows how to rule a Grand +Duchy! + ERN. Rule a Grand Duchy? Why, my good girl, for ten years +past I've ruled a theatrical company! A man who can do that can +rule anything! + + SONG--ERNEST. + + Were I a king in very truth, + And had a son--a guileless youth-- + In probable succession; + To teach him patience, teach him tact, + How promptly in a fix to act, + He should adopt, in point of fact, + A manager's profession. + To that condition he should stoop + (Despite a too fond mother), + With eight or ten "stars" in his troupe, + All jealous of each other! + Oh, the man who can rule a theatrical crew, + Each member a genius (and some of them two), + And manage to humour them, little and great, + Can govern this tuppenny State! + +ALL. Oh, the man, etc. + + Both A and B rehearsal slight-- + They say they'll be "all right at night" + (They've both to go to school yet); + C in each act must change her dress, + D will attempt to "square the press"; + E won't play Romeo unless + His grandmother plays Juliet; + F claims all hoydens as her rights + (She's played them thirty seasons); + And G must show herself in tights + For two convincing reasons-- + Two very well-shaped reasons! + Oh, the man who can drive a theatrical team, + With wheelers and leaders in order supreme, + Can govern and rule, with a wave of his fin, + All Europe--with Ireland thrown in! + +ALL. Oh, the man, etc. + [Exeunt all but ERNEST. + + ERN. Elected by my fellow-conspirators to be Grand Duke of +Pfennig Halbpfennig as soon as the contemptible little occupant +of the historical throne is deposed--here is promotion indeed! +Why, instead of playing Troilus of Troy for a month, I shall play +Grand Duke of Pfennig Halbpfennig for a lifetime! Yet, am I +happy? No--far from happy! The lovely English comdienne--the +beautiful Julia, whose dramatic ability is so overwhelming that +our audiences forgive even her strong English accent--that rare +and radiant being treats my respectful advances with disdain +unutterable! And yet, who knows? She is haughty and ambitious, +and it may be that the splendid change in my fortunes may work a +corresponding change in her feelings towards me! + +Enter JULIA JELLICOE. + + JULIA. Herr Dummkopf, a word with you, if you please. + ERN. Beautiful English maiden-- + JULIA. No compliments, I beg. I desire to speak with you +on a +purely professional matter, so we will, if you please, dispense +with +allusions to my personal appearance, which can only tend to widen +the +breach which already exists between us. + ERN. (aside). My only hope shattered! The haughty +Londoner +still despises me! (Aloud.) It shall be as you will. + JULIA. I understand that the conspiracy in which we are +all +concerned is to develop to-morrow, and that the company is likely +to elect you to the throne on the understanding that the posts +about the Court are to be filled by members of your theatrical +troupe, according to their professional importance. + ERN. That is so. + JULIA. Then all I can say is that it places me in an +extremely awkward position. + ERN. (very depressed). I don't see how it concerns you. + JULIA. Why, bless my heart, don't you see that, as your +leading lady, I am bound under a serious penalty to play the +leading part in all your productions? + ERN. Well? + JULIA. Why, of course, the leading part in this production +will be the Grand Duchess! + ERN. My wife? + JULIA. That is another way of expressing the same idea. + ERN. (aside--delighted). I scarcely dared even to hope +for +this! + JULIA. Of course, as your leading lady, you'll be mean +enough to hold me to the terms of my agreement. Oh, that's so +like a man! Well, I suppose there's no help for it--I shall have +to do it! + ERN. (aside). She's mine! (Aloud.) But--do you really +think you would care to play that part? (Taking her hand.) + JULIA (withdrawing it). Care to play it? Certainly +not--but what am I to do? Business is business, and I am bound +by the terms of my agreement. + ERN. It's for a long run, mind--a run that may last many, +many years--no understudy--and once embarked upon there's no +throwing it up. + JULIA. Oh, we're used to these long runs in England: they +are the curse of the stage--but, you see, I've no option. + ERN. You think the part of Grand Duchess will be good +enough for you? + JULIA. Oh, I think so. It's a very good part in +Gerolstein, and oughtn't to be a bad one in Pfennig Halbpfennig. +Why, what did you suppose I was going to play? + ERN. (keeping up a show of reluctance) But, considering +your strong personal dislike to me and your persistent rejection +of my repeated offers, won't you find it difficult to throw +yourself into the part with all the impassioned enthusiasm that +the character seems to demand? Remember, it's a strongly +emotional part, involving long and repeated scenes of rapture, +tenderness, adoration, devotion--all in luxuriant excess, and all +of the most demonstrative description. + JULIA. My good sir, throughout my career I have made it a +rule never to allow private feeling to interfere with my +professional duties. You may be quite sure that (however +distasteful the part may be) if I undertake it, I shall consider +myself professionally bound to throw myself into it with all the +ardour at my command. + ERN. (aside--with effusion). I'm the happiest fellow +alive! +(Aloud.) Now--would you have any objection--to--to give me some +idea--if it's only a mere sketch--as to how you would play it? +It would be really interesting--to me--to know your conception +of--of--the part of my wife. + JULIA. How would I play it? Now, let me see--let me see. +(Considering.) Ah, I have it! + + BALLAD--JULIA. + + How would I play this part-- + The Grand Duke's Bride? + All rancour in my heart + I'd duly hide-- + I'd drive it from my recollection + And 'whelm you with a mock affection, + Well calculated to defy detection-- + That's how I'd play this part-- + The Grand Duke's Bride. + + With many a winsome smile + I'd witch and woo; + With gay and girlish guile + I'd frenzy you-- + I'd madden you with my caressing, + Like turtle, her first love confessing-- + That it was "mock", no mortal would be +guessing, + With so much winsome wile + I'd witch and woo! + + Did any other maid + With you succeed, + I'd pinch the forward jade-- + I would indeed! + With jealous frenzy agitated + (Which would, of course, be simulated), + I'd make her wish she'd never been created-- + Did any other maid + With you succeed! + + And should there come to me, + Some summers hence, + In all the childish glee + Of innocence, + Fair babes, aglow with beauty vernal, + My heart would bound with joy diurnal! + This sweet display of sympathy maternal, + Well, that would also be + A mere pretence! + + My histrionic art + Though you deride, + That's how I'd play that part-- + The Grand Duke's Bride! + + ENSEMBLE. + ERNEST. JULIA. +Oh joy! when two glowing young My boy, when two +glowing + hearts, young hearts + + From the rise of the curtain, From the rise of the + curtain, +Thus throw themselves into their Thus throw themselves +into +their parts, parts, + Success is most certain! Success is most +certain! +If the role you're prepared to endow The role I'm prepared +to + endow + With such delicate touches, With most delicate +touch- + es, +By the heaven above us, I vow By the heaven above us, +I + vow + You shall be my Grand Duchess! I will be your Grand + Duchess! + + + +(Dance.) + +Enter all the Chorus with LUDWIG, NOTARY, +and LISA--all greatly agitated. + +EXCITED CHORUS. + + My goodness me! What shall we do ? Why, what a dreadful + situation! + (To LUD.) It's all your fault, you booby you--you lump of + indiscrimination! + I'm sure I don't know where to go--it's put me into such a + tetter-- + But this at all events I know--the sooner we are off, the + better! + +ERN. What means this agitato? What d'ye seek? + As your Grand Duke elect I bid you speak! + + SONG--LUDWIG. + + Ten minutes since I met a chap + Who bowed an easy salutation-- + Thinks I, "This gentleman, mayhap, + Belongs to our Association." + But, on the whole, + Uncertain yet, + A sausage-roll + I took and eat-- + That chap replied (I don't embellish) + By eating three with obvious relish. + +CHORUS (angrily). Why, gracious powers, + No chum of ours + Could eat three sausage-rolls with relish! + +LUD. Quite reassured, I let him know + Our plot--each incident explaining; + That stranger chuckled much, as though + He thought me highly entertaining. + I told him all, + Both bad and good; + I bade him call-- + He said he would: + I added much--the more I muckled, + The more that chuckling chummy chuckled! + +ALL (angrily). A bat could see + He couldn't be + A chum of ours if he chuckled! + +LUD. Well, as I bowed to his applause, + Down dropped he with hysteric bellow-- + And that seemed right enough, because + I am a devilish funny fellow. + Then suddenly, + As still he squealed, + It flashed on me + That I'd revealed + Our plot, with all details effective, + To Grand Duke Rudolph's own detective! + +ALL. What folly fell, + To go and tell + Our plot to any one's detective! + +CHORUS. + +(Attacking LUDWIG.) You booby dense-- + You oaf immense, + With no pretence + To common sense! + A stupid muff + Who's made of stuff + Not worth a puff + Of candle-snuff! + +Pack up at once and off we go, unless we're anxious to exhibit +Our fairy forms all in a row, strung up upon the Castle gibbet! + +[Exeunt Chorus. Manent LUDWIG, LISA, +ERNEST, JULIA, and NOTARY. + JULIA. Well, a nice mess you've got us into! There's an +end of our precious plot! All up--pop--fizzle--bang--done for! + LUD. Yes, but--ha! ha!--fancy my choosing the Grand Duke's +private detective, of all men, to make a confidant of! When you +come to think of it, it's really devilish funny! + ERN. (angrily). When you come to think of it, it's +extremely injudicious to admit into a conspiracy every +pudding-headed baboon who presents himself! + LUD. Yes--I should never do that. If I were chairman of +this gang, I should hesitate to enrol any baboon who couldn't +produce satisfactory credentials from his last Zoological +Gardens. + LISA. Ludwig is far from being a baboon. Poor boy, he +could not help giving us away--it's his trusting nature--he was +deceived. + JULIA (furiously). His trusting nature! (To LUDWIG.) Oh, +I should like to talk to you in my own language for five +minutes--only five minutes! I know some good, strong, energetic +English remarks that would shrivel your trusting nature into +raisins--only you wouldn't understand them! + LUD. Here we perceive one of the disadvantages of a +neglected education! + ERN. (to JULIA). And I suppose you'll never be my Grand +Duchess now! + JULIA. Grand Duchess? My good friend, if you don't +produce +the piece how can I play the part? + ERN. True. (To LUDWIG.) You see what you've done. + LUD. But, my dear sir, you don't seem to understand that +the man ate three sausage-rolls. Keep that fact steadily before +you. Three large sausage-rolls. + JULIA. Bah!--Lots of people eat sausage-rolls who are not +conspirators. + LUD. Then they shouldn't. It's bad form. It's not the +game. When one of the Human Family proposes to eat a +sausage-roll, it is his duty to ask himself, "Am I a +conspirator?" And if, on examination, he finds that he is not a +conspirator, he is bound in honour to select some other form of +refreshment. + LISA. Of course he is. One should always play the game. +(To NOTARY, who has been smiling placidly through this.) What +are you grinning at, you greedy old man? + NOT. Nothing--don't mind me. It is always amusing to the +legal mind to see a parcel of laymen bothering themselves about a +matter which to a trained lawyer presents no difficulty whatever. + ALL. No difficulty! + NOT. None whatever! The way out of it is quite simple. + ALL. Simple? + NOT. Certainly! Now attend. In the first place, you two +men fight a Statutory Duel. + ERN. A Statutory Duel? + JULIA. A Stat-tat-tatutory Duel! Ach! what a crack-jaw +language this German is! + LUD. Never heard of such a thing. + NOT. It is true that the practice has fallen into abeyance +through disuse. But all the laws of Pfennig Halbpfennig run for +a hundred years, when they die a natural death, unless, in the +meantime, they have been revived for another century. The Act +that institutes the Statutory Duel was passed a hundred years +ago, and as it has never been revived, it expires to-morrow. So +you're just in time. + JULIA. But what is the use of talking to us about +Statutory +Duels when we none of us know what a Statutory Duel is? + NOT. Don't you? Then I'll explain. + + SONG--NOTARY. + + About a century since, + The code of the duello + To sudden death + For want of breath + Sent many a strapping fellow. + The then presiding Prince + (Who useless bloodshed hated), + He passed an Act, + Short and compact, + Which may be briefly stated. + Unlike the complicated laws + A Parliamentary draftsman draws, + It may be briefly stated. + +ALL. We know that complicated laws, + Such as a legal draftsman draws, + Cannot be briefly stated. + +NOT. By this ingenious law, + If any two shall quarrel, + They may not fight + With falchions bright + (Which seemed to him immoral); + But each a card shall draw, + And he who draws the lowest + Shall (so 'twas said) + Be thenceforth dead-- + In fact, a legal "ghoest" + (When exigence of rhyme compels, + Orthography forgoes her spells, + And "ghost" is written "ghoest"). + +ALL (aside) With what an emphasis he dwells + Upon "orthography" and "spells"! + That kind of fun's the lowest. + +NOT. When off the loser's popped + (By pleasing legal fiction), + And friend and foe + Have wept their woe + In counterfeit affliction, + The winner must adopt + The loser's poor relations-- + Discharge his debts, + Pay all his bets, + And take his obligations. + + In short, to briefly sum the case, + The winner takes the loser's place, + With all its obligations. + +ALL. How neatly lawyers state a case! + The winner takes the loser's place, + With all its obligations! + + LUD. I see. The man who draws the lowest card-- + NOT. Dies, ipso facto, a social death. He loses all his +civil rights--his identity disappears--the Revising Barrister +expunges his name from the list of voters, and the winner takes +his place, whatever it may be, discharges all his functions, and +adopts all his responsibilities. + ERN. This is all very well, as far as it goes, but it only +protects one of us. What's to become of the survivor? + LUD. Yes, that's an interesting point, because I might be +the survivor. + NOT. The survivor goes at once to the Grand Duke, and, in +a +burst of remorse, denounces the dead man as the moving spirit of +the plot. He is accepted as King's evidence, and, as a matter of +course, receives a free pardon. To-morrow, when the law expires, +the dead man will, ipso facto, come to life again--the Revising +Barrister will restore his name to the list of voters, and he +will resume all his obligations as though nothing unusual had +happened. + JULIA. When he will be at once arrested, tried, and +executed on the evidence of the informer! Candidly, my friend, I +don't think much of your plot! + NOT. Dear, dear, dear, the ignorance of the laity! My +good +young lady, it is a beautiful maxim of our glorious Constitution +that a man can only die once. Death expunges crime, and when he +comes to life again, it will be with a clean slate. + ERN. It's really very ingenious. + LUD. (to NOTARY). My dear sir, we owe you our lives! + LISA (aside to LUDWIG). May I kiss him? + LUD. Certainly not: you're a big girl now. (To ERNEST.) +Well, miscreant, are you prepared to meet me on the field of +honour? + ERN. At once. By Jove, what a couple of fire-eaters we +are! + LISA. Ludwig doesn't know what fear is. + LUD. Oh, I don't mind this sort of duel! + ERN. It's not like a duel with swords. I hate a duel with +swords. It's not the blade I mind--it's the blood. + LUD. And I hate a duel with pistols. It's not the ball I +mind--it's the bang. + NOT. Altogether it is a great improvement on the old +method +of giving satisfaction. + + QUINTET. + LUDWIG, LISA, NOTARY, ERNEST, JULIA. + + Strange the views some people hold! + Two young fellows quarrel-- + Then they fight, for both are bold-- + Rage of both is uncontrolled-- + Both are stretched out, stark and cold! + Prithee, where's the moral? + Ding dong! Ding dong! + There's an end to further action, + And this barbarous transaction + Is described as "satisfaction"! + Ha! ha! ha! ha! satisfaction! + Ding dong! Ding dong! + Each is laid in churchyard mould-- + Strange the views some people hold! + + Better than the method old, + Which was coarse and cruel, + Is the plan that we've extolled. + Sing thy virtues manifold + (Better than refined gold), + Statutory Duel! + Sing song! Sing song! + + Sword or pistol neither uses-- + Playing card he lightly chooses, + And the loser simply loses! + Ha! ha! ha! ha! simply loses. + Sing song! Sing song! + Some prefer the churchyard mould! + Strange the views some people hold! + +NOT. (offering a card to ERNEST). + Now take a card and gaily sing + How little you care for Fortune's rubs-- + +ERN. (drawing a card). + Hurrah, hurrah!--I've drawn a King: + +ALL. He's drawn a King! + He's drawn a King! + Sing Hearts and Diamonds, Spades and Clubs! + +ALL (dancing). He's drawn a King! + How strange a thing! + An excellent card--his chance it aids-- + Sing Hearts and Diamonds, Spades and Clubs-- + Sing Diamonds, Hearts and Clubs and Spades! + +NOT. (to LUDWIG). + Now take a card with heart of grace-- + (Whatever our fate, let's play our parts). + +LUD. (drawing card). + Hurrah, hurrah!--I've drawn an Ace! + +ALL. He's drawn an Ace! + He's drawn an Ace! + Sing Clubs and Diamonds, Spades and Hearts! + +ALL (dancing). + He's drawn an Ace! + Observe his face-- + Such very good fortune falls to few-- + Sing Clubs and Diamonds, Spades and Hearts-- + Sing Clubs, Spades, Hearts and Diamonds too! + +NOT. That both these maids may keep their troth, + And never misfortune them befall, + I'll hold 'em as trustee for both-- + +ALL. He'll hold 'em both! + He'll hold 'em both! + Sing Hearts, Clubs, Diamonds, Spades and all! + +ALL (dancing). By joint decree + As {our/your} trustee + This Notary {we/you} will now instal-- + In custody let him keep {their/our} hearts, + Sing Hearts, Clubs, Diamonds, Spades and all! + +[Dance and exeunt LUDWIG, ERNEST, and +NOTARY with the two Girls. + +March. Enter the seven Chamberlains of the +GRAND DUKE RUDOLPH. + + CHORUS OF CHAMBERLAINS. + + The good Grand Duke of Pfennig Halbpfennig, + Though, in his own opinion, very very big, + In point of fact he's nothing but a miserable prig + Is the good Grand Duke of Pfennig Halbpfennig! + + Though quite contemptible, as every one agrees, + We must dissemble if we want our bread and cheese, + So hail him in a chorus, with enthusiasm big, + The good Grand Duke of Pfennig Halbpfennig! + +Enter the GRAND DUKE RUDOLPH. He is meanly and miserably dressed + in old and patched clothes, but blazes with a profusion of + orders and decorations. He is very weak and ill, from low + living. + + SONG--RUDOLPH. + + A pattern to professors of monarchical autonomy, + I don't indulge in levity or compromising bonhomie, + But dignified formality, consistent with economy, + Above all other virtues I particularly prize. + I never join in merriment--I don't see joke or jape any-- + I never tolerate familiarity in shape any-- + This, joined with an extravagant respect for + tuppence-ha'penny, + A keynote to my character sufficiently supplies. + +(Speaking.) Observe. (To Chamberlains.) My snuff-box! + +(The snuff-box is passed with much ceremony from the Junior + Chamberlain, through all the others, until it is presented + by the Senior Chamberlain to RUDOLPH, who uses it.) + + That incident a keynote to my character supplies. + +RUD. I weigh out tea and sugar with precision mathematical-- + Instead of beer, a penny each--my orders are emphatical-- + (Extravagance unpardonable, any more than that I call), + But, on the other hand, my Ducal dignity to keep-- + All Courtly ceremonial--to put it comprehensively-- + I rigidly insist upon (but not, I hope, offensively) + Whenever ceremonial can be practised inexpensively-- + And, when you come to think of it, it's really very +cheap! + +(Speaking.) Observe. (To Chamberlains.) My handkerchief! + +(Handkerchief is handed by Junior Chamberlain to the next in + order, and so on until it reaches RUDOLPH, who is much + inconvenienced by the delay.) + + It's sometimes inconvenient, but it's always very cheap! + + RUD. My Lord Chamberlain, as you are aware, my marriage +with the wealthy Baroness von Krakenfeldt will take place +to-morrow, and you will be good enough to see that the rejoicings +are on a scale of unusual liberality. Pass that on. (Chamberlain +whispers to Vice-Chamberlain, who whispers to the next, and so +on.) The sports will begin with a Wedding Breakfast Bee. The +leading pastry-cooks of the town will be invited to compete, and +the winner will not only enjoy the satisfaction of seeing his +breakfast devoured by the Grand Ducal pair, but he will also be +entitled to have the Arms of Pfennig Halbpfennig tattoo'd between +his shoulder-blades. The Vice-Chamberlain will see to this. All +the public fountains of Speisesaal will run with Gingerbierheim +and Currantweinmilch at the public expense. The Assistant +Vice-Chamberlain will see to this. At night, everybody will +illuminate; and as I have no desire to tax the public funds +unduly, this will be done at the inhabitants' private expense. +The Deputy Assistant Vice-Chamberlain will see to this. All my +Grand Ducal subjects will wear new clothes, and the Sub-Deputy +Assistant Vice-Chamberlain will collect the usual commission on +all sales. Wedding presents (which, on this occasion, should be +on a scale of extraordinary magnificence) will be received at the +Palace at any hour of the twenty-four, and the Temporary +Sub-Deputy Assistant Vice-Chamberlain will sit up all night for +this purpose. The entire population will be commanded to enjoy +themselves, and with this view the Acting Temporary Sub-Deputy +Assistant Vice-Chamberlain will sing comic songs in the +Market-place from noon to nightfall. Finally, we have composed a +Wedding Anthem, with which the entire population are required to +provide themselves. It can be obtained from our Grand Ducal +publishers at the usual discount price, and all the Chamberlains +will be expected to push the sale. (Chamberlains bow and +exeunt). I don't feel at all comfortable. I hope I'm not doing +a foolish thing in getting married. After all, it's a poor heart +that never rejoices, and this wedding of mine is the first little +treat I've allowed myself since my christening. Besides, +Caroline's income is very considerable, and as her ideas of +economy are quite on a par with mine, it ought to turn out well. +Bless her tough old heart, she's a mean little darling! Oh, here +she is, punctual to her appointment! + +Enter BARONESS VON KRAKENFELDT. + + BAR. Rudolph! Why, what's the matter? + RUD. Why, I'm not quite myself, my pet. I'm a little +worried and upset. I want a tonic. It's the low diet, I think. +I am afraid, after all, I shall have to take the bull by the +horns and have an egg with my breakfast. + BAR. I shouldn't do anything rash, dear. Begin with a +jujube. (Gives him one.) + RUD. (about to eat it, but changes his mind). I'll keep it +for supper. (He sits by her and tries to put his arm round her +waist.) + BAR. Rudolph, don't! What in the world are you thinking +of? + RUD. I was thinking of embracing you, my sugarplum. Just +as a little cheap treat. + BAR. What, here? In public? Really, you appear to have +no +sense of delicacy. + RUD. No sense of delicacy, Bon-bon! + BAR. No. I can't make you out. When you courted me, all +your courting was done publicly in the Marketplace. When you +proposed to me, you proposed in the Market-place. And now that +we're engaged you seem to desire that our first tte- +occur in the Marketplace! Surely you've a room in your +Palace--with blinds--that would do? + RUD. But, my own, I can't help myself. I'm bound by my +own +decree. + BAR. Your own decree? + RUD. Yes. You see, all the houses that give on the +Market-place belong to me, but the drains (which date back to the +reign of Charlemagne) want attending to, and the houses wouldn't +let--so, with a view to increasing the value of the property, I +decreed that all love-episodes between affectionate couples +should take place, in public, on this spot, every Monday, +Wednesday, and Friday, when the band doesn't play. + BAR. Bless me, what a happy idea! So moral too! And have +you found it answer? + RUD. Answer? The rents have gone up fifty per cent, and +the sale of opera-glasses (which is a Grand Ducal monopoly) has +received an extraordinary stimulus! So, under the circumstances, +would you allow me to put my arm round your waist? As a source +of income. Just once! + BAR. But it's so very embarrassing. Think of the +opera-glasses! + RUD. My good girl, that's just what I am thinking of. +Hang +it all, we must give them something for their money! What's +that? + BAR. (unfolding paper, which contains a large letter, +which +she hands to him). It's a letter which your detective asked me +to hand to you. I wrapped it up in yesterday's paper to keep it +clean. + RUD. Oh, it's only his report! That'll keep. But, I say, +you've never been and bought a newspaper? + BAR. My dear Rudolph, do you think I'm mad? It came +wrapped round my breakfast. + RUD. (relieved). I thought you were not the sort of girl +to +go and buy a newspaper! Well, as we've got it, we may as well +read it. What does it say? + BAR. Why--dear me--here's your biography! "Our Detested +Despot!" + RUD. Yes--I fancy that refers to me. + BAR. And it says--Oh, it can't be! + RUD. What can't be? + BAR. Why, it says that although you're going to marry me +to-morrow, you were betrothed in infancy to the Princess of Monte +Carlo! + RUD. Oh yes--that's quite right. Didn't I mention it? + BAR. Mention it! You never said a word about it! + RUD. Well, it doesn't matter, because, you see, it's +practically off. + BAR. Practically off? + RUD. Yes. By the terms of the contract the betrothal is +void unless the Princess marries before she is of age. Now, her +father, the Prince, is stony-broke, and hasn't left his house for +years for fear of arrest. Over and over again he has implored me +to come to him to be married-but in vain. Over and over again he +has implored me to advance him the money to enable the Princess +to come to me--but in vain. I am very young, but not as young as +that; and as the Princess comes of age at two tomorrow, why at +two to-morrow I'm a free man, so I appointed that hour for our +wedding, as I shall like to have as much marriage as I can get +for my money. + BAR. I see. Of course, if the married state is a happy +state, it's a pity to waste any of it. + RUD. Why, every hour we delayed I should lose a lot of you +and you'd lose a lot of me! + BAR. My thoughtful darling! Oh, Rudolph, we ought to be +very happy! + RUD. If I'm not, it'll be my first bad investment. Still, +there is such a thing as a slump even in Matrimonials. + BAR. I often picture us in the long, cold, dark December +evenings, sitting close to each other and singing impassioned +duets to keep us warm, and thinking of all the lovely things we +could afford to buy if we chose, and, at the same time, planning +out our lives in a spirit of the most rigid and exacting economy! + RUD. It's a most beautiful and touching picture of +connubial bliss in its highest and most rarefied development! + + DUET--BARONESS and RUDOLPH. + +BAR. As o'er our penny roll we sing, + It is not reprehensive + To think what joys our wealth would bring + Were we disposed to do the thing + Upon a scale extensive. + There's rich mock-turtle--thick and clear-- + +RUD. (confidentially). Perhaps we'll have it once a year! + +BAR. (delighted). You are an open-handed dear! + +RUD. Though, mind you, it's expensive. + +BAR. No doubt it is expensive. + +BOTH. How fleeting are the glutton's joys! + With fish and fowl he lightly toys, + +RUD. And pays for such expensive tricks + Sometimes as much as two-and-six! + +BAR. As two-and-six? + +RUD. As two-and-six-- + +BOTH. Sometimes as much as two-and-six! + +BAR. It gives him no advantage, mind-- + For you and he have only dined, + And you remain when once it's down + A better man by half-a-crown. + +RUD. By half-a-crown? + +BAR. By half-a-crown. + +BOTH. Yes, two-and-six is half-a-crown. + Then let us be modestly merry, + And rejoice with a derry down derry. + For to laugh and to sing + No extravagance bring-- + It's a joy economical, very! + +BAR. Although as you're of course aware + (I never tried to hide it) + I moisten my insipid fare + With water--which I can't abear-- + +RUD. Nor I--I can't abide it. + +BAR. This pleasing fact our souls will cheer, + With fifty thousand pounds a year + We could indulge in table beer! + +RUD. Get out! + +BAR. We could--I've tried it! + +RUD. Yes, yes, of course you've tried it! + +BOTH. Oh, he who has an income clear + Of fifty thousand pounds a year-- + +BAR. Can purchase all his fancy loves + Conspicuous hats-- + +RUD. Two shilling gloves-- + +BAR. (doubtfully). Two-shilling gloves? + +RUD. (positively). Two-shilling gloves-- + +BOTH. Yes, think of that, two-shilling gloves! + +BAR. Cheap shoes and ties of gaudy hue, + And Waterbury watches, too-- + And think that he could buy the lot + Were he a donkey-- + +RUD. Which he's not! + +BAR. Oh no, he's not! + +RUD. Oh no, he's not! + +BOTH (dancing). + That kind of donkey he is not! + Then let us be modestly merry, + And rejoice with a derry down derry. + For to laugh and to sing + Is a rational thing- + It's a joy economical, very! + [Exit +BARONESS. + + RUD. Oh, now for my detective's report. (Opens letter.) +What's this! Another conspiracy! A conspiracy to depose me! +And my private detective was so convulsed with laughter at the +notion of a conspirator selecting him for a confidant that he was +physically unable to arrest the malefactor! Why, it'll come +off! This comes of engaging a detective with a keen sense of the +ridiculous! For the future I'll employ none but Scotchmen. And +the plot is to explode to-morrow! My wedding day! Oh, +Caroline, Caroline! (Weeps.) This is perfectly frightful! +What's to be done? I don't know! I ought to keep cool and +think, but you can't think when your veins are full of hot +soda-water, and your brain's fizzing like a firework, and all +your faculties are jumbled in a perfect whirlpool of +tumblication! And I'm going to be ill! I know I am! I've been +living too low, and I'm going to be very ill indeed! + + SONG--RUDOLPH. + + When you find you're a broken-down critter, + Who is all of a trimmle and twitter, + With your palate unpleasantly bitter, + As if you'd just eaten a pill-- + When your legs are as thin as dividers, + And you're plagued with unruly insiders, + And your spine is all creepy with spiders, + And you're highly gamboge in the gill-- + When you've got a beehive in your head, + And a sewing machine in each ear, + And you feel that you've eaten your bed, + And you've got a bad headache down here-- + When such facts are about, + And these symptoms you find + In your body or crown-- + Well, you'd better look out, + You may make up your mind + You had better lie down! + + When your lips are all smeary--like tallow, + And your tongue is decidedly yallow, + With a pint of warm oil in your swallow, + And a pound of tin-tacks in your chest-- + When you're down in the mouth with the vapours, + And all over your Morris wall-papers + Black-beetles are cutting their capers, + And crawly things never at rest-- + When you doubt if your head is your own, + And you jump when an open door slams-- + Then you've got to a state which is known + To the medical world as "jim-jams" + If such symptoms you find + In your body or head, + They're not easy to quell-- + You may make up your mind + You are better in bed, + For you're not at all well! + +(Sinks exhausted and weeping at foot of well.) + +Enter LUDWIG. + + LUD. Now for my confession and full pardon. They told me +the Grand Duke was dancing duets in the Market-place, but I don't +see him. (Sees RUDOLPH.) Hallo! Who's this? (Aside.) Why, it +is the Grand Duke! + RUD. (sobbing). Who are you, sir, who presume to address +me in person? If you've anything to communicate, you must fling +yourself at the feet of my Acting Temporary Sub-Deputy Assistant +Vice-Chamberlain, who will fling himself at the feet of his +immediate superior, and so on, with successive foot-flingings +through the various grades--your communication will, in course of +time, come to my august knowledge. + LUD. But when I inform your Highness that in me you see +the +most unhappy, the most unfortunate, the most completely miserable +man in your whole dominion-- + RUD. (still sobbing). You the most miserable man in my +whole dominion? How can you have the face to stand there and say +such a thing? Why, look at me! Look at me! (Bursts into +tears.) + LUD. Well, I wouldn't be a cry-baby. + RUD. A cry-baby? If you had just been told that you were +going to be deposed to-morrow, and perhaps blown up with dynamite +for all I know, wouldn't you be a cry-baby? I do declare if I +could only hit upon some cheap and painless method of putting an +end to an existence which has become insupportable, I would +unhesitatingly adopt it! + LUD. You would ? (Aside.) I see a magnificent way out of +this! By Jupiter, I'll try it! (Aloud.) Are you, by any +chance, in earnest? + RUD. In earnest? Why, look at me! + LUD. If you are really in earnest--if you really desire to +escape scot-free from this impending--this unspeakably horrible +catastrophe--without trouble, danger, pain, or expense--why not +resort to a Statutory Duel? + RUD. A Statutory Duel? + LUD. Yes. The Act is still in force, but it will expire +to-morrow afternoon. You fight--you lose--you are dead for a +day. To-morrow, when the Act expires, you will come to life +again and resume your Grand Duchy as though nothing had happened. +In the meantime, the explosion will have taken place and the +survivor will have had to bear the brunt of it. + RUD. Yes, that's all very well, but who'll be fool enough +to be the survivor? + LUD. (kneeling). Actuated by an overwhelming sense of +attachment to your Grand Ducal person, I unhesitatingly offer +myself as the victim of your subjects' fury. + RUD. You do? Well, really that's very handsome. I +daresay +being blown up is not nearly as unpleasant as one would think. + LUD. Oh, yes it is. It mixes one up, awfully! + RUD. But suppose I were to lose? + LUD. Oh, that's easily arranged. (Producing cards.) I'll +put an Ace up my sleeve--you'll put a King up yours. When the +drawing takes place, I shall seem to draw the higher card and you +the lower. And there you are! + RUD. Oh, but that's cheating. + LUD. So it is. I never thought of that. (Going.) + RUD. (hastily). Not that I mind. But I say--you won't +take an unfair advantage of your day of office? You won't go +tipping people, or squandering my little savings in fireworks, or +any nonsense of that sort? + LUD. I am hurt--really hurt--by the suggestion. + RUD. You--you wouldn't like to put down a deposit, +perhaps? + LUD. No. I don't think I should like to put down a +deposit. + RUD. Or give a guarantee? + LUD. A guarantee would be equally open to objection. + RUD. It would be more regular. Very well, I suppose you +must have your own way. + LUD. Good. I say--we must have a devil of a quarrel! + RUD. Oh, a devil of a quarrel! + LUD. Just to give colour to the thing. Shall I give you a +sound thrashing before all the people? Say the word--it's no +trouble. + RUD. No, I think not, though it would be very convincing +and it's extremely good and thoughtful of you to suggest it. +Still, a devil of a quarrel! + LUD. Oh, a devil of a quarrel! + RUD. No half measures. Big words--strong language--rude +remarks. Oh, a devil of a quarrel! + LUD. Now the question is, how shall we summon the people? + RUD. Oh, there's no difficulty about that. Bless your +heart, they've been staring at us through those windows for the +last half-hour! + + FINALE. + +RUD. Come hither, all you people-- + When you hear the fearful news, + All the pretty women weep'll, + Men will shiver in their shoes. + +LUD. And they'll all cry "Lord, defend us!" + When they learn the fact tremendous + That to give this man his gruel + In a Statutory Duel-- + +BOTH. This plebeian man of shoddy-- + This contemptible nobody-- + Your Grand Duke does not refuse! + +(During this, Chorus of men and women have entered, all trembling + with apprehension under the impression that they are to be + arrested for their complicity in the conspiracy.) + +CHORUS. + + With faltering feet, + And our muscles in a quiver, + Our fate we meet + With our feelings all unstrung! + If our plot complete + He has managed to diskiver, + There is no retreat-- + We shall certainly be hung! + +RUD. (aside to LUDWIG). + Now you begin and pitch it strong--walk into me abusively-- + +LUD. (aside to RUDOLPH). + I've several epithets that I've reserved for you + exclusively. + A choice selection I have here when you are ready to begin. + +RUD. Now you begin + +LUD. No, you begin-- + +RUD. No, you begin-- + +LUD. No, you begin! + +CHORUS (trembling). + Has it happed as we expected? + Is our little plot detected? + +DUET--RUDOLPH and LUDWIG + +RUD. (furiously). + Big bombs, small bombs, great guns and little ones! + Put him in a pillory! + Rack him with artillery! + +LUD. (furiously). + Long swords, short swords, tough swords and brittle ones! + Fright him into fits! + Blow him into bits! + +RUD. You muff, sir! + +LUD. You lout, sir! + +RUD. Enough, sir! + +LUD. Get out, sir! (Pushes him.) + +RUD. A hit, sir? + +LUD. Take that, sir! (Slaps him.) + +RUD. It's tit, sir, + +LUD. For tat, sir! + +CHORUS (appalled). + When two doughty heroes thunder, + All the world is lost in wonder; + When such men their temper lose, + Awful are the words they use! + +LUD. Tall snobs, small snobs, rich snobs and needy ones! + +RUD. (jostling him). Whom are you alluding to? + +LUD. (jostling him). Where are you intruding to? + +RUD. Fat snobs, thin snobs, swell snobs and seedy ones! + +LUD. I rather think you err. + To whom do you refer? + +RUD. To you, sir! + +LUD. To me, sir? + +RUD. I do, sir! + +LUD. We'll see, sir! + +RUD. I jeer, sir! +(Makes a face at LUDWIG.) Grimace, sir! + +LUD. Look here, sir-- +(Makes a face at RUDOLPH.) A face, sir! + +CHORUS (appalled). + When two heroes, once pacific, + Quarrel, the effect's terrific! + What a horrible grimace! + What a paralysing face! + +ALL. Big bombs, small bombs, etc. + +LUD. and RUD. (recit.). + He has insulted me, and, in a breath, + This day we fight a duel to the death! + +NOT. (checking them). + You mean, of course, by duel (verbum sat.), + A Statutory Duel. + +ALL. Why, what's that? + +NOT. According to established legal uses, + A card apiece each bold disputant chooses-- + Dead as a doornail is the dog who loses-- + The winner steps into the dead man's shoeses! + +ALL. The winner steps into the dead man's shoeses! + +RUD. and Lud. Agreed! Agreed! + +RUD. Come, come--the pack! + +LUD. (producing one). Behold it here! + +RUD. I'm on the rack! + +LUD. I quake with fear! + +(NOTARY offers card to LUDWIG.) + +LUD. First draw to you! + +RUD. If that's the case, + Behold the King! (Drawing card from his sleeve.) + +LUD. (same business). Behold the Ace! + +CHORUS. Hurrah, hurrah! Our Ludwig's won + And wicked Rudolph's course is run-- + So Ludwig will as Grand Duke reign + Till Rudolph comes to life again-- + +RUD. Which will occur to-morrow! + I come to life to-morrow! + +GRET. (with mocking curtsey). + My Lord Grand Duke, farewell! + A pleasant journey, very, + To your convenient cell + In yonder cemetery! + +LISA (curtseying). + Though malcontents abuse you, + We're much distressed to lose you! + You were, when you were living, + So liberal, so forgiving! + +BERTHA. So merciful, so gentle! + So highly ormamental! + +OLGA. And now that you've departed, + You leave us broken-hearted! + +ALL (pretending to weep). Yes, truly, truly, truly, truly-- + Truly broken-hearted! + Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! (Mocking him.) + +RUD. (furious). Rapscallions, in penitential fires, + You'll rue the ribaldry that from you falls! + To-morrow afternoon the law expires. + And then--look out for squalls! + [Exit RUDOLPH, amid general +ridicule. + +CHORUS. Give thanks, give thanks to wayward fate-- + By mystic fortune's sway, + Our Ludwig guides the helm of State + For one delightful day! + +(To LUDWIG.) We hail you, sir! + We greet you, sir! + Regale you, sir! + We treat you, sir! + Our ruler be + By fate's decree + For one delightful day! + +NOT. You've done it neatly! Pity that your powers + Are limited to four-and-twenty hours! + +LUD. No matter, though the time will quickly run, + In hours twenty-four much may be done! + + SONG--LUDWIG. + + Oh, a Monarch who boasts intellectual graces + Can do, if he likes, a good deal in a day-- + He can put all his friends in conspicuous places, + With plenty to eat and with nothing to pay! + You'll tell me, no doubt, with unpleasant grimaces, + To-morrow, deprived of your ribbons and laces, + You'll get your dismissal--with very long faces-- + But wait! on that topic I've something to say! +(Dancing.) I've something to say--I've something to + say--I've something to say! + Oh, our rule shall be merry--I'm not an ascetic-- + And while the sun shines we will get up our hay-- + By a pushing young Monarch, of turn energetic, + A very great deal may be done in a day! + +CHORUS. Oh, his rule will be merry, etc. + +(During this, LUDWIG whispers to NOTARY, who writes.) + + For instance, this measure (his ancestor drew it), + (alluding to NOTARY) + This law against duels--to-morrow will die-- + The Duke will revive, and you'll certainly rue it-- + He'll give you "what for" and he'll let you know why! + But in twenty-four hours there's time to renew it-- + With a century's life I've the right to imbue it-- + It's easy to do--and, by Jingo, I'll do it! + +(Signing paper, which NOTARY presents.) + + It's done! Till I perish your Monarch am I! + Your Monarch am I--your Monarch am I--your Monarch am I! + Though I do not pretend to be very prophetic, + I fancy I know what you're going to say-- + By a pushing young Monarch, of turn energetic, + A very great deal may be done in a day! + +ALL (astonished). + Oh, it's simply uncanny, his power prophetic-- + It's perfectly right--we were going to say, + By a pushing, etc. + +Enter JULIA, at back. + +LUD. (recit.). This very afternoon--at two (about)-- + The Court appointments will be given out. + To each and all (for that was the condition) + According to professional position! + +ALL. Hurrah! + +JULIA (coming forward). According to professional position? + +LUD. According to professional position! + +JULIA Then, horror! + +ALL. Why, what's the matter? What's the matter? What's the + matter ? + +SONG--JULIA. (LISA clinging to her.) + Ah, pity me, my comrades true, + Who love, as well I know you do, + This gentle child, + To me so fondly dear! + +ALL. Why, what's the matter? + +JULIA Our sister love so true and deep + From many an eye unused to weep + Hath oft beguiled + The coy reluctant tear! + +ALL. Why, what's the matter? + +JULIA Each sympathetic heart 'twill bruise + When you have heard the frightful news + (O will it not?) + That I must now impart! + +ALL. Why, what's the matter? + +JULIA. Her love for him is all in all! + Ah, cursed fate! that it should fall + Unto my lot + To break my darling's heart! + +ALL. Why, what's the matter? + +LUD. What means our Julia by those fateful looks? + Please do not keep us all on tenter-hooks- + Now, what's the matter? + +JULIA. Our duty, if we're wise, + We never shun. + This Spartan rule applies + To every one. + In theatres, as in life, + Each has her line-- + This part--the Grand Duke's wife + (Oh agony!) is mine! + A maxim new I do not start-- + The canons of dramatic art + Decree that this repulsive part + (The Grand Duke's wife) + Is mine! + +ALL. Oh, that's the matter! + +LISA (appalled, to LUDWIG). Can that be so? + +LUD. I do not know-- + But time will show + If that be so. + +CHORUS. Can that be so? etc. + +LISA (recit.). Be merciful! + + DUET--LISA and JULIA. + +LISA. Oh, listen to me, dear-- + I love him only, darling! + Remember, oh, my pet, + On him my heart is set + This kindness do me, dear- + Nor leave me lonely, darling! + Be merciful, my pet, + Our love do not forget! + +JULIA. Now don't be foolish, dear-- + You couldn't play it, darling! + It's "leading business", pet + And you're but a soubrette. + So don't be mulish, dear- + Although I say it, darling, + It's not your line, my pet-- + I play that part, you bet! + I play that part-- + I play that part, you bet! + +(LISA overwhelmed with grief.) + +NOT. The lady's right. Though Julia's engagement + Was for the stage meant-- + It certainly frees Ludwig from his + Connubial promise. + Though marriage contracts--or whate'er you call 'em-- + Are very solemn, + Dramatic contracts (which you all adore so) + Are even more so! + +ALL. That's very true! + Though marriage contracts, etc. + + SONG--LISA. + + The die is cast, + My hope has perished! + Farewell, O Past, + Too bright to last, + Yet fondly cherished! + My light has fled, + My hope is dead, + Its doom is spoken-- + My day is night, + My wrong is right + In all men's sight-- + My heart is broken! + [Exit +weeping. + +LUD. (recit.). Poor child, where will she go? What will she +do? + +JULIA. That isn't in your part, you know. + +LUD. (sighing). Quite true! +(With an effort.) Depressing topics we'll not touch upon-- + Let us begin as we are going on! + For this will be a jolly Court, for little and for big! + +ALL. Sing hey, the jolly jinks of Pfennig Halbpfennig! + +LUD. From morn to night our lives shall be as merry as a grig! + +ALL. Sing hey, the jolly jinks of Pfennig Halbpfennig! + +LUD. All state and ceremony we'll eternally abolish-- + We don't mean to insist upon unnecessary polish-- + And, on the whole, I rather think you'll find our rule + tollolish! +ALL. Sing hey, the jolly jinks of Pfennig Halbpfennig! + +JULIA. But stay--your new-made Court + Without a courtly coat is-- + We shall require + Some Court attire, + And at a moment's notice. + In clothes of common sort + Your courtiers must not grovel-- + Your new noblesse + Must have a dress + Original and novel! + +LUD. Old Athens we'll exhume! + The necessary dresses, + Correct and true + And all brand-new, + The company possesses: + Henceforth our Court costume + Shall live in song and story, + For we'll upraise + The dead old days + Of Athens in her glory! + +ALL. Yes, let's upraise + The dead old days + Of Athens in her glory! + +ALL. Agreed! Agreed! + For this will be a jolly Court for little and for big! etc + +(They carry LUDWIG round stage and deposit him on the ironwork of + well. JULIA stands by him, and the rest group round them.) + + END OF ACT I. + + + ACT II. + +(THE NEXT MORNING.) + +SCENE.--Entrance Hall of the Grand Ducal Palace. + +Enter a procession of the members of the theatrical company (now + dressed in the costumes of Troilus and Cressida), carrying + garlands, playing on pipes, citharae, and cymbals, and + heralding the return of LUDWIG and JULIA from the marriage + ceremony, which has just taken place. + +CHORUS. + + As before you we defile, + Eloia! Eloia! + Pray you, gentles, do not smile + If we shout, in classic style, + Eloia! + Ludwig and his Julia true + Wedded are each other to-- + So we sing, till all is blue, + Eloia! Eloia! + Opoponax! Eloia! + + Wreaths of bay and ivy twine, + Eloia! Eloia! + Fill the bowl with Lesbian wine, + And to revelry incline-- + Eloia! + + For as gaily we pass on + Probably we shall, anon, + Sing a Diergeticon-- + Eloia! Eloia! + Opoponax! Eloia! + +RECIT.--LUDWIG. + + Your loyalty our Ducal heartstrings touches: + Allow me to present your new Grand Duchess. + Should she offend, you'll graciously excuse her-- + And kindly recollect I didn't choose her! + + SONG--LUDWIG. + +At the outset I may mention it's my sovereign intention + To revive the classic memories of Athens at its best, +For the company possesses all the necessary dresses + And a course of quiet cramming will supply us with the +rest. +We've a choir hyporchematic (that is, ballet-operatic) + Who respond to the choreut of that cultivated age, +And our clever chorus-master, all but captious criticaster + Would accept as the choregus of the early Attic stage. +This return to classic ages is considered in their wages, + Which are always calculated by the day or by the week-- +And I'll pay 'em (if they'll back me) all in oboloi and drachm, + Which they'll get (if they prefer it) at the Kalends that + are Greek! + +(Confidentially to audience.) + At this juncture I may mention + That this erudition sham + Is but classical pretension, + The result of steady "cram.": + Periphrastic methods spurning, + To this audience discerning + I admit this show of learning + Is the fruit of steady "cram."! + +CHORUS. Periphrastic methods, etc. + +In the period Socratic every dining-room was Attic + (Which suggests an architecture of a topsy-turvy kind), +There they'd satisfy their thirst on a recherche cold {Greek +word} + Which is what they called their lunch--and so may you if + you're inclined. +As they gradually got on, they'd {four Greek words) + (Which is Attic for a steady and a conscientious drink). +But they mixed their wine with water--which I'm sure they didn't + oughter-- + And we modern Saxons know a trick worth two of that, I + think! +Then came rather risky dances (under certain circumstances) + Which would shock that worthy gentleman, the Licenser of + Plays, +Corybantian maniac kick--Dionysiac or Bacchic-- + And the Dithyrambic revels of those undecorous days. + +(Confidentially to audience.) + And perhaps I'd better mention, + Lest alarming you I am, + That it isn't our intention + To perform a Dithyramb-- + It displays a lot of stocking, + Which is always very shocking, + And of course I'm only mocking + At the prevalence of "cram"! + +CHORUS. It displays a lot, etc. + +Yes, on reconsideration, there are customs of that nation + Which are not in strict accordance with the habits of our + day, +And when I come to codify, their rules I mean to modify, + Or Mrs. Grundy, p'r'aps, may have a word or two to say. +For they hadn't macintoshes or umbrellas or goloshes-- + And a shower with their dresses must have played the very + deuce, +And it must have been unpleasing when they caught a fit of + sneezing, + For, it seems, of pocket-handkerchiefs they didn't know the + use. +They wore little underclothing--scarcely anything--or nothing-- + And their dress of Coan silk was quite transparent in + design-- +Well, in fact, in summer weather, something like the "altogether" + And it's there, I rather fancy, I shall have to draw the + line! + +(Confidentially to audience.) + And again I wish to mention + That this erudition sham + Is but classical pretension, + The result of steady "cram." + Yet my classic lore aggressive + (If you'll pardon the possessive) + Is exceedingly impressive + When you're passing an exam. + +CHORUS. Yet his classic lore, etc. + + [Exeunt Chorus. Manent LUDWIG, JULIA, and LISA. + +LUD. (recit.). + Yes, Ludwig and his Julia are mated! + For when an obscure comedian, whom the law backs, + To sovereign rank is promptly elevated, + He takes it with its incidental drawbacks! + So Julia and I are duly mated! + + (LISA, through this, has expressed intense distress at + having to surrender LUDWIG.) + + SONG--LISA. + + Take care of him--he's much too good to live, + With him you must be very gentle: + Poor fellow, he's so highly sensitive, + And O, so sentimental! + Be sure you never let him sit up late + In chilly open air conversing-- + Poor darling, he's extremely delicate, + And wants a deal of nursing! + +LUD. I want a deal of nursing! + +LISA. And O, remember this-- + When he is cross with pain, + A flower and a kiss-- + A simple flower--a tender kiss + Will bring him round again! + + His moods you must assiduously watch: + When he succumbs to sorrow tragic, + Some hardbake or a bit of butter-scotch + Will work on him like magic. + To contradict a character so rich + In trusting love were simple blindness-- + He's one of those exalted natures which + Will only yield to kindness! + +LUD. I only yield to kindness! + +LISA. And O, the bygone bliss! + And O, the present pain! + That flower and that kiss-- + That simple flower--that tender kiss + I ne'er shall give again! + + [Exit, +weeping. + + JULIA. And now that everybody has gone, and we're happily +and comfortably married, I want to have a few words with my +new-born husband. + LUD. (aside). Yes, I expect you'll often have a few words +with your new-born husband! (Aloud.) Well, what is it? + JULIA. Why, I've been thinking that as you and I have to +play our parts for life, it is most essential that we should come +to a definite understanding as to how they shall be rendered. +Now, I've been considering how I can make the most of the Grand +Duchess. + LUD. Have you? Well, if you'll take my advice, you'll +make +a very fine part of it. + JULIA. Why, that's quite my idea. + LUD. I shouldn't make it one of your hoity-toity vixenish +viragoes. + JULIA. You think not? + LUD. Oh, I'm quite clear about that. I should make her a +tender, gentle, submissive, affectionate (but not too +affectionate) child-wife--timidly anxious to coil herself into +her husband's heart, but kept in check by an awestruck reverence +for his exalted intellectual qualities and his majestic personal +appearance. + JULIA. Oh, that is your idea of a good part? + LUD. Yes--a wife who regards her husband's slightest wish +as an inflexible law, and who ventures but rarely into his august +presence, unless (which would happen seldom) he should summon her +to appear before him. A crushed, despairing violet, whose +blighted existence would culminate (all too soon) in a lonely and +pathetic death-scene! A fine part, my dear. + JULIA. Yes. There's a good deal to be said for your view +of it. Now there are some actresses whom it would fit like a +glove. + LUD. (aside). I wish I'd married one of 'em! + JULIA. But, you see, I must consider my temperament. For +instance, my temperament would demand some strong scenes of +justifiable jealousy. + LUD. Oh, there's no difficulty about that. You shall have +them. + JULIA. With a lovely but detested rival-- + LUD. Oh, I'll provide the rival. + JULIA. Whom I should stab--stab--stab! + LUD. Oh, I wouldn't stab her. It's been done to death. I +should treat her with a silent and contemptuous disdain, and +delicately withdraw from a position which, to one of your +sensitive nature, would be absolutely untenable. Dear me, I can +see you delicately withdrawing, up centre and off! + JULIA. Can you? + LUD. Yes. It's a fine situation--and in your hands, full +of quiet pathos! + + DUET--LUDWIG and JULIA. + +LUD. Now Julia, come, + Consider it from + This dainty point of view-- + A timid tender + Feminine gender, + Prompt to coyly coo-- + Yet silence seeking, + Seldom speaking + Till she's spoken to-- + A comfy, cosy, + Rosy-posy + Innocent ingenoo! + The part you're suited to-- + (To give the deuce her due) + A sweet (O, jiminy!) + Miminy-piminy, + Innocent ingenoo! + + ENSEMBLE. + + LUD. JULIA. + +The part you're suited to-- I'm much obliged to you, +(To give the deuce her due) I don't think that would do-- + A sweet (O, jiminy!) To play (O, jiminy!) + Miminy-piminy, Miminy-piminy, +Innocent ingenoo! Innocent ingenoo! + +JULIA. You forget my special magic + (In a high dramatic sense) + Lies in situations tragic-- + Undeniably intense. + As I've justified promotion + In the histrionic art, + I'll submit to you my notion + Of a first-rate part. + +LUD. Well, let us see your notion + Of a first-rate part. + +JULIA (dramatically). + I have a rival! Frenzy-thrilled, + I find you both together! + My heart stands still--with horror chilled--- + Hard as the millstone nether! + Then softly, slyly, snaily, snaky-- + Crawly, creepy, quaily, quaky-- + I track her on her homeward way, + As panther tracks her fated prey! + +(Furiously.) I fly at her soft white throat-- + The lily-white laughing leman! + On her agonized gaze I gloat + With the glee of a dancing demon! + My rival she--I have no doubt of her--- + So I hold on--till the breath is out of her! + --till the breath is out of her! + + And then--Remorse! Remorse! + O cold unpleasant corse, + Avaunt! Avaunt! + That lifeless form + I gaze upon-- + That face, still warm + But weirdly wan-- + Those eyes of glass + I contemplate-- + And then, alas! + Too late--too late! + I find she is--your Aunt! +(Shuddering.) Remorse! Remorse! + + Then, mad--mad--mad! + With fancies wild--chimerical-- + Now sorrowful--silent--sad-- + Now hullaballoo hysterical! + Ha! ha! ha! ha! + But whether I'm sad or whether I'm glad, + Mad! mad! mad! mad! + + This calls for the resources of a high-class art, + And satisfies my notion of a first-rate part! + + +[Exit JULIA + +Enter all the Chorus, hurriedly, and in great excitement. + +CHORUS. + + Your Highness, there's a party at the door-- + Your Highness, at the door there is a party-- + She says that we expect her, + But we do not recollect her, + For we never saw her countenance before! + + With rage and indignation she is rife, + Because our welcome wasn't very hearty-- + She's as sulky as a super, + And she's swearing like a trooper, + O, you never heard such language in your life! + +Enter BARONESS VON KRAKENFELDT, in a fury. + +BAR. With fury indescribable I burn! + With rage I'm nearly ready to explode! + There'll be grief and tribulation when I learn + To whom this slight unbearable is owed! + For whatever may be due I'll pay it double-- + There'll be terror indescribable and trouble! + With a hurly-burly and a hubble-bubble + I'll pay you for this pretty episode! + +ALL. Oh, whatever may be due she'll pay it double!-- + It's very good of her to take the trouble-- + But we don't know what she means by "hubble-bubble"-- + No doubt it's an expression la mode. + +BAR. (to LUDWIG). + Do you know who I am? + +LUD. (examining her). I don't; + Your countenance I can't fix, my dear. + +BAR. This proves I'm not a sham. + (Showing pocket-handkerchief.) + +LUD. (examining it). It won't; + It only says "Krakenfeldt, Six," my dear. + +BAR. Express your grief profound! + +LUD. I shan't! + This tone I never allow, my love. + +BAR. Rudolph at once produce! + +LUD. I can't; + He isn't at home just now, my love. + +BAR. (astonished). He isn't at home just now! + +ALL. He isn't at home just now, +(Dancing derisively.) He has an appointment particular, +very- + You'll find him, I think, in the town cemetery; + And that's how we come to be making so merry, + For he isn't at home just now! + +BAR. But bless my heart and soul alive, it's impudence + personified! + I've come here to be matrimonially matrimonified! + +LUD. For any disappointment I am sorry unaffectedly, + But yesterday that nobleman expired quite unexpectedly-- + +ALL (sobbing). Tol the riddle lol! + Tol the riddle lol! + Tol the riddle, lol the riddle, lol lol lay! +(Then laughing wildly.) Tol the riddle, lol the riddle, lol +lol + lay! + + BAR. But this is most unexpected. He was well enough at a +quarter to twelve yesterday. + LUD. Yes. He died at half-past eleven. + BAR. Bless me, how very sudden! + LUD. It was sudden. + BAR. But what in the world am I to do? I was to have been +married to him to-day! + +ALL (singing and dancing). + For any disappointment we are sorry unaffectedly, + But yesterday that nobleman expired quite unexpectedly-- + Tol the riddle lol! + + BAR. Is this Court Mourning or a Fancy Ball? + LUD. Well, it's a delicate combination of both effects. +It +is intended to express inconsolable grief for the decease of the +late Duke and ebullient joy at the accession of his successor. I +am his successor. Permit me to present you to my Grand Duchess. +(Indicating JULIA.) + BAR. Your Grand Duchess? Oh, your Highness! (Curtseying +profoundly.) + JULIA (sneering at her). Old frump! + BAR. Humph! A recent creation, probably? + LUD. We were married only half an hour ago. + BAR. Exactly . I thought she seemed new to the position. + JULIA. Ma'am, I don't know who you are, but I flatter +myself I can do justice to any part on the very shortest notice. + BAR. My dear, under the circumstances you are doing +admirably--and you'll improve with practice. It's so difficult +to be a lady when one isn't born to it. + JULIA (in a rage, to LUDWIG). Am I to stand this? Am I +not +to be allowed to pull her to pieces? + LUD. (aside to JULIA). No, no--it isn't Greek. Be a +violet, I beg. + BAR. And now tell me all about this distressing +circumstance. How did the Grand Duke die? + LUD. He perished nobly--in a Statutory Duel. + BAR. In a Statutory Duel? But that's only a civil +death!--and the Act expires to-night, and then he will come to +life again! + LUD. Well, no. Anxious to inaugurate my reign by +conferring some inestimable boon on my people, I signalized this +occasion by reviving the law for another hundred years. + BAR. For another hundred years? Then set the merry +joybells ringing! Let festive epithalamia resound through these +ancient halls! Cut the satisfying sandwich--broach the +exhilarating Marsala--and let us rejoice to-day, if we never +rejoice again! + LUD. But I don't think I quite understand. We have +already +rejoiced a good deal. + BAR. Happy man, you little reck of the extent of the good +things you are in for. When you killed Rudolph you adopted all +his overwhelming responsibilities. Know then that I, Caroline +von Krakenfeldt, am the most overwhelming of them all! + LUD. But stop, stop--I've just been married to somebody +else! + JULIA. Yes, ma'am, to somebody else, ma'am! Do you +understand, ma'am? To somebody else! + BAR. Do keep this young woman quiet; she fidgets me! + JULIA. Fidgets you! + LUD. (aside to JULIA). Be a violet--a crushed, despairing +violet. + JULIA. Do you suppose I intend to give up a magnificent +part without a struggle? + LUD. My good girl, she has the law on her side. Let us +both bear this calamity with resignation. If you must struggle, +go away and struggle in the seclusion of your chamber. + + SONG--BARONESS and CHORUS. + + Now away to the wedding we go, + So summon the charioteers-- + No kind of reluctance they show + To embark on their married careers. + Though Julia's emotion may flow + For the rest of her maidenly years, +ALL. To the wedding we eagerly go, + So summon the charioteers! + + Now away, etc. + +(All dance off to wedding except JULIA.) + +RECIT.--JULIA. + + So ends my dream--so fades my vision fair! + Of hope no gleam--distraction and despair! + My cherished dream, the Ducal throne to share + That aim supreme has vanished into air! + + SONG--JULIA. + + Broken every promise plighted-- + All is darksome--all is dreary. + Every new-born hope is blighted! + Sad and sorry--weak and weary + Death the Friend or Death the Foe, + Shall I call upon thee? No! + I will go on living, though + Sad and sorry--weak and weary! + + No, no! Let the bygone go by! + No good ever came of repining: + If to-day there are clouds o'er the sky, + To-morrow the sun may be shining! + To-morrow, be kind, + To-morrow, to me! + With loyalty blind + I curtsey to thee! + To-day is a day of illusion and sorrow, + So viva To-morrow, To-morrow, To-morrow! + God save you, To-morrow! + Your servant, To-morrow! + God save you, To-morrow, To-morrow, To-morrow! + +[Exit JULIA. +Enter ERNEST. + + ERN. It's of no use--I can't wait any longer. At any risk +I must gratify my urgent desire to know what is going on. +(Looking off.) Why, what's that? Surely I see a wedding +procession winding down the hill, dressed in my Troilus and +Cressida costumes! That's Ludwig's doing! I see how it is--he +found the time hang heavy on his hands, and is amusing himself by +getting married to Lisa. No--it can't be to Lisa, for here she +is! + +Enter LISA. + + LISA (not seeing him). I really cannot stand seeing my +Ludwig married twice in one day to somebody else! + ERN. Lisa! +(LISA sees him, and stands as if transfixed with horror.). + ERN. Come here--don't be a little fool--I want you. +(LISA suddenly turns and bolts off.) + ERN. Why, what's the matter with the little donkey? One +would think she saw a ghost! But if he's not marrying Lisa, whom +is he marrying? (Suddenly.) Julia! (Much overcome.) I see it +all! The scoundrel! He had to adopt all my responsibilities, +and he's shabbily taken advantage of the situation to marry the +girl I'm engaged to! But no, it can't be Julia, for here she is! + +Enter JULIA. + JULIA (not seeing him). I've made up my mind. I won't +stand it! I'll send in my notice at once! + ERN. Julia! Oh, what a relief! + +(JULIA gazes at him as if transfixed.) + + ERN. Then you've not married Ludwig? You are still true +to +me? + +(JULIA turns and bolts in grotesque horror. ERNEST follows and + stops her.) + + ERN. Don't run away! Listen to me. Are you all crazy? + JULIA (in affected terror). What would you with me, +spectre? Oh, ain't his eyes sepulchral! And ain't his voice +hollow! What are you doing out of your tomb at this time of +day--apparition? + ERN. I do wish I could make you girls understand that I'm +only technically dead, and that physically I'm as much alive as +ever I was in my life! + JULIA. Oh, but it's an awful thing to be haunted by a +technical bogy! + ERN. You won't be haunted much longer. The law must be on +its last legs, and in a few hours I shall come to life +again--resume all my social and civil functions, and claim my +darling as my blushing bride! + JULIA. Oh--then you haven't heard? + ERN. My love, I've heard nothing. How could I? There are +no daily papers where I come from. + JULIA. Why, Ludwig challenged Rudolph and won, and now +he's +Grand Duke, and he's revived the law for another century! + ERN. What! But you're not serious--you're only joking! + JULIA. My good sir, I'm a light-hearted girl, but I don't +chaff bogies. + ERN. Well, that's the meanest dodge I ever heard of! + JULIA. Shabby trick, I call it. + ERN. But you don't mean to say that you're going to cry +off! + JULIA. I really can't afford to wait until your time is +up. +You know, I've always set my face against long engagements. + ERN. Then defy the law and marry me now. We will fly to +your native country, and I'll play broken-English in London as +you play broken-German here! + JULIA. No. These legal technicalities cannot be defied. +Situated as you are, you have no power to make me your wife. At +best you could only make me your widow. + ERN. Then be my widow--my little, dainty, winning, winsome +widow! + JULIA. Now what would be the good of that? Why, you +goose, +I should marry again within a month! + + DUET--ERNEST and JULIA. + +ERN. If the light of love's lingering ember + Has faded in gloom, + You cannot neglect, O remember, + A voice from the tomb! + That stern supernatural diction + Should act as a solemn restriction, + Although by a mere legal fiction + A voice from the tomb! + +JULIA (in affected terror). + I own that that utterance chills me-- + It withers my bloom! + With awful emotion it thrills me-- + That voice from the tomb! + Oh, spectre, won't anything lay thee? + Though pained to deny or gainsay thee, + In this case I cannot obey thee, + Thou voice from the tomb! + +(Dancing.) So, spectre, appalling, + I bid you good-day-- + Perhaps you'll be calling + When passing this way. + Your bogydom scorning, + And all your love-lorning, + I bid you good-morning, + I bid you good-day. + +ERN. (furious). My offer recalling, + Your words I obey-- + Your fate is appalling, + And full of dismay. + To pay for this scorning + I give you fair warning + I'll haunt you each morning, + Each night, and each day! + + (Repeat Ensemble, and exeunt in opposite directions.) + +Re-enter the Wedding Procession dancing. + +CHORUS. + + Now bridegroom and bride let us toast + In a magnum of merry champagne-- + Let us make of this moment the most, + We may not be so lucky again. + So drink to our sovereign host + And his highly intelligent reign-- + His health and his bride's let us toast + In a magnum of merry champagne! + + SONG--BARONESS with CHORUS. + + I once gave an evening party + (A sandwich and cut-orange ball), + But my guests had such appetites hearty + That I couldn't enjoy it, enjoy it at all. + I made a heroic endeavour + To look unconcerned, but in vain, + And I vow'd that I never--oh never + Would ask anybody again! + But there's a distinction decided--- + A difference truly immense-- + When the wine that you drink is provided, provided, + At somebody else's expense. + So bumpers--aye, ever so many-- + The cost we may safely ignore! + For the wine doesn't cost us a penny, + Tho' it's Pommry seventy-four! + +CHORUS. So bumpers--aye, ever so many--etc. + + Come, bumpers--aye, ever so many-- + And then, if you will, many more! + This wine doesn't cost us a penny, + Tho' it's Pommry, Pommry seventy-four! + Old wine is a true panacea + For ev'ry conceivable ill, + When you cherish the soothing idea + That somebody else pays the bill! + Old wine is a pleasure that's hollow + When at your own table you sit, + For you're thinking each mouthful you swallow + Has cost you, has cost you a threepenny-bit! + So bumpers--aye, ever so many-- + And then, if you will, many more! + This wine doesn't cost us a penny, + Tho' it's Pommry seventy-four! + +CHORUS. So, bumpers--aye, ever so many--etc. + +(March heard.) + +LUD. (recit.). Why, who is this approaching, + Upon our joy encroaching? + Some rascal come a-poaching + Who's heard that wine we're broaching? + +ALL. Who may this be? + Who may this be? + Who is he? Who is he? Who is he? + +Enter HERALD. + +HER. The Prince of Monte Carlo, + From Mediterranean water, + Has come here to bestow + On you his beautiful daughter. + They've paid off all they owe, + As every statesman oughter-- + That Prince of Monte Carlo + And his be-eautiful daughter! + +CHORUS. The Prince of Monte Carlo, etc. + +HER. The Prince of Monte Carlo, + Who is so very partickler, + Has heard that you're also + For ceremony a stickler-- + Therefore he lets you know + By word of mouth auric'lar-- + (That Prince of Monte Carlo + Who is so very particklar)-- + +CHORUS. The Prince of Monte Carlo, etc. + +HER. That Prince of Monte Carlo, + From Mediterranean water, + Has come here to bestow + On you his be-eautiful daughter! + +LUD. (recit.). His Highness we know not--nor the locality + In which is situate his Principality; + But, as he guesses by some odd fatality, + This is the shop for cut and dried formality! + Let him appear-- + He'll find that we're + Remarkable for cut and dried formality. + +(Reprise of March. Exit HERALD. +LUDWIG beckons his Court.) + +LUD. I have a plan--I'll tell you all the plot of it-- + He wants formality--he shall have a lot of it! +(Whispers to them, through symphony.) + Conceal yourselves, and when I give the cue, + Spring out on him--you all know what to do! +(All conceal themselves behind the draperies that enclose the +stage.) + +Pompous March. Enter the PRINCE and PRINCESS OF MONTE CARLO, + attended by six theatrical-looking nobles and the Court + Costumier. + + DUET--Prince and PRINCESS. + +PRINCE. We're rigged out in magnificent array + (Our own clothes are much gloomier) + In costumes which we've hired by the day + From a very well-known costumier. + +COST. (bowing). I am the well-known costumier. + +PRINCESS. With a brilliant staff a Prince should make a show + (It's a rule that never varies), + So we've engaged from the Theatre Monaco + Six supernumeraries. + +NOBLES. We're the supernumeraries. + +ALL. At a salary immense, + Quite regardless of expense, + Six supernumeraries! + +PRINCE. They do not speak, for they break our grammar's laws, + And their language is lamentable-- + And they never take off their gloves, because + Their nails are not presentable. + +NOBLES. Our nails are not presentable! + +PRINCESS. To account for their shortcomings manifest + We explain, in a whisper bated, + They are wealthy members of the brewing interest + To the Peerage elevated. + +NOBLES. To the Peerage elevated. + +ALL. They're/We're very, very rich, + And accordingly, as sich, + To the Peerage elevated. + + PRINCE. Well, my dear, here we are at last--just in time +to +compel Duke Rudolph to fulfil the terms of his marriage contract. +Another hour and we should have been too late. + PRINCESS. Yes, papa, and if you hadn't fortunately +discovered a means of making an income by honest industry, we +should never have got here at all. + PRINCE. Very true. Confined for the last two years within +the precincts of my palace by an obdurate bootmaker who held a +warrant for my arrest, I devoted my enforced leisure to a study +of the doctrine of chances--mainly with the view of ascertaining +whether there was the remotest chance of my ever going out for a +walk again--and this led to the discovery of a singularly +fascinating little round game which I have called Roulette, and +by which, in one sitting, I won no less than five thousand +francs! My first act was to pay my bootmaker--my second, to +engage a good useful working set of second-hand nobles--and my +third, to hurry you off to Pfennig Halbpfennig as fast as a train +de luxe could carry us! + PRINCESS. Yes, and a pretty job-lot of second-hand nobles +you've scraped together! + PRINCE (doubtfully). Pretty, you think? Humph! I don't +know. I should say tol-lol, my love--only tol-lol. They are not +wholly satisfactory. There is a certain air of unreality about +them--they are not convincing. + COST. But, my goot friend, vhat can you expect for +eighteenpence a day! + PRINCE. Now take this Peer, for instance. What the deuce +do you call him? + COST. Him? Oh, he's a swell--he's the Duke of Riviera. + PRINCE. Oh, he's a Duke, is he? Well, that's no reason +why +he should look so confoundedly haughty. (To Noble.) Be affable, +sir! (Noble takes attitude of affability.) That's better. +(Passing to another.) Now, who's this with his moustache coming +off? + COST. Vhy; you're Viscount Mentone, ain't you? + NOBLE. Blest if I know. (Turning up sword-belt.) It's +wrote here--yes, Viscount Mentone. + COST. Then vhy don't you say so? 'Old yerself up--you +ain't carryin' sandwich boards now. (Adjusts his moustache.) + PRINCE. Now, once for all, you Peers--when His Highness +arrives, don't stand like sticks, but appear to take an +intelligent and sympathetic interest in what is going on. You +needn't say anything, but let your gestures be in accordance with +the spirit of the conversation. Now take the word from me. +Affability! (attitude). Submission! (attitude). Surprise! +(attitude). Shame! (attitude). Grief! (attitude). Joy! +(attitude). That's better! You can do it if you like! + PRINCESS. But, papa, where in the world is the Court? +There is positively no one here to receive us! I can't help +feeling that Rudolph wants to get out of it because I'm poor. +He's a miserly little wretch--that's what he is. + PRINCE. Well, I shouldn't go so far as to say that. I +should rather describe him as an enthusiastic collector of +coins--of the realm--and we must not be too hard upon a +numismatist if he feels a certain disinclination to part with +some of his really very valuable specimens. It's a pretty hobby: +I've often thought I should like to collect some coins myself. + PRINCESS. Papa, I'm sure there's some one behind that +curtain. I saw it move! + PRINCE. Then no doubt they are coming. Now mind, you +Peers--haughty affability combined with a sense of what is due to +your exalted ranks, or I'll fine you half a franc each--upon my +soul I will! + +(Gong. The curtains fly back and the Court are discovered. They + give a wild yell and rush on to the stage dancing wildly, + with PRINCE, PRINCESS, and Nobles, who are taken by +surprise + at first, but eventually join in a reckless dance. At the + end all fall down exhausted.) + + LUD. There, what do you think of that? That's our +official +ceremonial for the reception of visitors of the very highest +distinction. + PRINCE (puzzled). It's very quaint--very curious indeed. +Prettily footed, too. Prettily footed. + LUD. Would you like to see how we say "good-bye" to +visitors of distinction? That ceremony is also performed with +the foot. + PRINCE. Really, this tone--ah, but perhaps you have not +completely grasped the situation? + LUD. Not altogether. + PRINCE. Ah, then I'll give you a lead over. +(Significantly:) I am the father of the Princess of Monte Carlo. +Doesn't that convey any idea to the Grand Ducal mind? + LUD. (stolidly). Nothing definite. + PRINCE (aside). H'm--very odd! Never mind--try again! +(Aloud.) This is the daughter of the Prince of Monte Carlo. Do +you take? + LUD. (still puzzled). No--not yet. Go on--don't give it +up--I dare say it will come presently. + PRINCE. Very odd--never mind--try again. (With sly +significance.) Twenty years ago! Little doddle doddle! Two +little doddle doddles! Happy father--hers and yours. Proud +mother--yours and hers! Hah! Now you take? I see you do! I +see you do! + LUD. Nothing is more annoying than to feel that you're not +equal to the intellectual pressure of the conversation. I wish +he'd say something intelligible. + PRINCE. You didn't expect me? + LUD. (jumping at it). No, no. I grasp that--thank you +very +much. (Shaking hands with him.) No, I did not expect you! + PRINCE. I thought not. But ha! ha! at last I have escaped +from my enforced restraint. (General movement of alarm.) (To +crowd who are stealing off.) No, no--you misunderstand me. I +mean I've paid my debts! + ALL. Oh! (They return.) + PRINCESS (affectionately). But, my darling, I'm afraid +that +even now you don't quite realize who I am! (Embracing him.) + BARONESS. Why, you forward little hussy, how dare you? +(Takes her away from LUDWIG.) + LUD. You mustn't do that, my dear--never in the presence +of +the Grand Duchess, I beg! + PRINCESS (weeping). Oh, papa, he's got a Grand Duchess! + LUD. A Grand Duchess! My good girl, I've got three Grand +Duchesses! + PRINCESS. Well, I'm sure! Papa, let's go away--this is +not +a respectable Court. + PRINCE. All these Grand Dukes have their little fancies, +my +love. This potentate appears to be collecting wives. It's a +pretty hobby--I should like to collect a few myself. This +(admiring BARONESS) is a charming specimen--an antique, I should +say--of the early Merovingian period, if I'm not mistaken; and +here's another--a Scotch lady, I think (alluding to JULIA), and +(alluding to LISA) a little one thrown in. Two half-quarterns +and a makeweight! (To LUDWIG.) Have you such a thing as a +catalogue of the Museum? + PRINCESS. But I cannot permit Rudolph to keep a museum-- + LUD. Rudolph? Get along with you, I'm not Rudolph! +Rudolph died yesterday! + PRINCE and PRINCESS. What! + LUD. Quite suddenly--of--of--a cardiac affection. + PRINCE and PRINCESS. Of a cardiac affection! + LUD. Yes, a pack-of-cardiac affection. He fought a +Statutory Duel with me and lost, and I took over all his +engagements--including this imperfectly preserved old lady, to +whom he has been engaged for the last three weeks. + PRINCESS. Three weeks! But I've been engaged to him for +the last twenty years! + BARONESS, LISA, and JULIA. Twenty years! + PRINCE (aside). It's all right, my love--they can't get +over that. (Aloud.) He's yours--take him, and hold him as tight +as you can! + PRINCESS. My own! (Embracing LUDWIG.) + LUD. Here's another!--the fourth in four-and-twenty hours! +Would anybody else like to marry me? You, ma'am--or +you--anybody! I'm getting used to it! + BARONESS. But let me tell you, ma'am-- + JULIA. Why, you impudent little hussy-- + LISA. Oh, here's another--here's another! (Weeping.) + PRINCESS. Poor ladies, I'm very sorry for you all; but, +you +see, I've a prior claim. Come, away we go--there's not a moment +to be lost! + +CHORUS (as they dance towards exit). + + Away to the wedding we'll go + To summon the charioteers, + No kind of reluctance we show + To embark on our married careers-- + +(At this moment RUDOLPH, ERNEST, and NOTARY appear. +All kneel in astonishment.) + +RECITATIVE. + +RUD., Ern., and NOT. + Forbear! This may not be! + Frustrated are your plans! + With paramount decree + The Law forbids the banns! + + ALL. The Law forbids the banns! + LUD. Not a bit of it! I've revived the law for another +century! + RUD. You didn't revive it! You couldn't revive it! +You--you are an impostor, sir--a tuppenny rogue, sir! You--you +never were, and in all human probability never will be--Grand +Duke of Pfennig Anything! + ALL. What!!! + RUD. Never--never, never! (Aside.) Oh, my internal +economy! + LUD. That's absurd, you know. I fought the Grand Duke. +He +drew a King, and I drew an Ace. He perished in inconceivable +agonies on the spot. Now, as that's settled, we'll go on with +the wedding. + RUD. It--it isn't settled. You--you can't. I--I--(to +NOTARY). Oh, tell him--tell him! I can't! + NOT. Well, the fact is, there's been a little mistake +here. +On reference to the Act that regulates Statutory Duels, I find it +is expressly laid down that the Ace shall count invariably as +lowest! + ALL. As lowest! + RUD. (breathlessly). As lowest--lowest--lowest! So +you're +the ghoest--ghoest--ghoest! (Aside.) Oh, what is the matter +with me inside here! + ERN. Well, Julia, as it seems that the law hasn't been +revived--and as, consequently, I shall come to life in about +three minutes--(consulting his watch)-- + JULIA. My objection falls to the ground. (Resignedly.) +Very well! + PRINCESS. And am I to understand that I was on the point +of +marrying a dead man without knowing it? (To RUDOLPH, who +revives.) Oh, my love, what a narrow escape I've had! + RUD. Oh--you are the Princess of Monte Carlo, and you've +turned up just in time! Well, you're an attractive little girl, +you know, but you're as poor as a rat! (They retire up +together.) + LISA. That's all very well, but what is to become of me? +(To LUDWIG.) If you're a dead man--(Clock strikes three.) + LUD. But I'm not. Time's up--the Act has expired--I've +come +to life--the parson is still in attendance, and we'll all be +married directly. + ALL. Hurrah! + + FINALE. + + + Happy couples, lightly treading, + Castle chapel will be quite full! + Each shall have a pretty wedding, + As, of course, is only rightful, + Though the brides be fair or frightful. + Contradiction little dreading, + This will be a day delightful-- + Each shall have a pretty wedding! + Such a pretty, pretty wedding! + Such a pretty wedding! + +(All dance off to get married as the curtain falls.) + + + THE END + + + H.M.S. PINAFORE + + OR, THE LASS THAT LOVED A SAILOR + + Libretto by William S. Gilbert + Music by Sir Arthur Sullivan + + +DRAMATIS PERSONAE + + THE RT.HON SIR JOSEPH PORTER, K.C.B. (First Lord of the +Admiralty). + CAPTAIN CORCORAN (Commanding H.M.S. Pinafore). + TOM TUCKER (Midshipmite). + RALPH RAKESTRAW (Able Seaman). + DICK DEADEYE (Able Seaman). + BILL BOBSTAY (Boatswain's Mate). + BOB BECKET (Carpenter's Mate). + JOSEPHINE (the Captain's Daughter). + HEBE (Sir Joseph Porter's First Cousin). + MRS. CRIPPS (LITTLE BUTTERCUP) (A Portsmouth Bumboat Woman). + First Lord's Sisters, his Cousins, his Aunts, Sailors, +Marines, etc. + + Scene: QUARTER-DECK OF H.M.S. PINAFORE, OFF PORTSMOUTH + + ACT I.--Noon. ACT II.--Night + + First produced at the Opera Comique on May 25, 1878. + + ACT I + +SCENE--Quarter-deck of H.M.S. Pinafore. Sailors, led by +BOATSWAIN, + discovered cleaning brasswork, splicing rope, etc. + + CHORUS + +We sail the ocean blue, +And our saucy ship's a beauty; +We're sober men and true, +And attentive to our duty. +When the balls whistle free +O'er the bright blue sea, +We stand to our guns all day; +When at anchor we ride +On the Portsmouth tide, +We have plenty of time to play. + + Enter LITTLE BUTTERCUP, with large basket on her arm + + RECITATIVE + + Hail, men-o'-war's men-safeguards of your nation + Here is an end, at last, of all privation; + You've got your play--spare all you can afford + To welcome Little Buttercup on board. + + ARIA + + For I'm called Little Buttercup--dear Little Buttercup, + Though I could never tell why, + But still I'm called Buttercup--poor little Buttercup, + Sweet Little Buttercup I! + + I've snuff and tobaccy, and excellent jacky, + I've scissors, and watches, and knives + I've ribbons and laces to set off the faces + Of pretty young sweethearts and wives. + + I've treacle and toffee, I've tea and I've coffee, + Soft tommy and succulent chops; + I've chickens and conies, and pretty polonies, + And excellent peppermint drops. + + Then buy of your Buttercup--dear Little Buttercup; + Sailors should never be shy; + So, buy of your Buttercup--poor Little Buttercup; + Come, of your Buttercup buy! + + BOAT. Aye, Little Buttercup--and well called--for you're the +rosiest, +the roundest, and the reddest beauty in all Spithead. + BUT. Red, am I? and round--and rosy! Maybe, for I have +dissembled well! +But hark ye, my merry friend--hast ever thought that beneath a +gay and +frivolous exterior there may lurk a canker-worm which is slowly +but +surely eating its way into one's very heart? + + BOAT. No, my lass, I can't say I've ever thought that. + + Enter DICK DEADEYE. He pushes through sailors, and comes down + + DICK. I have thought it often. (All recoil from him.) + BUT. Yes, you look like it! What's the matter with the man? +Isn't he +well? + BOAT. Don't take no heed of him; that's only poor Dick Deadeye. + DICK. I say--it's a beast of a name, ain't it--Dick Deadeye? + BUT. It's not a nice name. + DICK. I'm ugly too, ain't I? + BUT. You are certainly plain. + DICK. And I'm three-cornered too, ain't I? + BUT. You are rather triangular. + DICK. Ha! ha! That's it. I'm ugly, and they hate me for it; for +you all +hate me, don't you? + ALL. We do! + DICK. There! + BOAT. Well, Dick, we wouldn't go for to hurt any fellow +creature's +feelings, but you can't expect a chap with such a name as Dick +Deadeye to +be a popular character--now can you? + DICK. No. + BOAT. It's asking too much, ain't it? + DICK. It is. From such a face and form as mine the noblest +sentiments +sound like the black utterances of a depraved imagination It is +human +nature--I am resigned. + + RECITATIVE + + BUT. (looking down hatchway). + But, tell me--who's the youth whose faltering feet + With difficulty bear him on his course? + BOAT. That is the smartest lad in all the fleet-- + Ralph Rackstraw! + BUT. Ha! That name! Remorse! remorse! + + Enter RALPH from hatchway + + MADRIGAL--RALPH + + The Nightingale + Sighed for the moon's bright ray + And told his tale + In his own melodious way! + He sang "Ah, well-a-day!" + + ALL. He sang "Ah, well-a-day!" + The lowly vale + For the mountain vainly sighed, + To his humble wail + The echoing hills replied. + They sang "Ah, well-a-day!" + + All. They sang "Ah, well-a-day!" + + RECITATIVE + +I know the value of a kindly chorus, + But choruses yield little consolation + When we have pain and sorrow too before us! + I love--and love, alas, above my station! + + BUT. (aside). He loves--and loves a lass above his station! + ALL (aside). Yes, yes, the lass is much above his station! + + Exit LITTLE BUTTERCUP + + BALLAD -- RALPH + + A maiden fair to see, + The pearl of minstrelsy, + A bud of blushing beauty; + For whom proud nobles sigh, + And with each other vie + To do her menial's duty. + ALL. To do her menial's duty. + + A suitor, lowly born, + With hopeless passion torn, + And poor beyond denying, + Has dared for her to pine + At whose exalted shrine + A world of wealth is sighing. + ALL. A world of wealth is sighing. + + Unlearned he in aught + Save that which love has taught + (For love had been his tutor); + Oh, pity, pity me-- + Our captain's daughter she, + And I that lowly suitor! + ALL. And he that lowly suitor! + + BOAT. Ah, my poor lad, you've climbed too high: our worthy +captain's +child won't have nothin' to say to a poor chap like you. Will +she, lads? + ALL. No, no. + DICK. No, no, captains' daughters don't marry foremast hands. + ALL (recoiling from him). Shame! shame! + BOAT. Dick Deadeye, them sentiments o' yourn are a disgrace to +our +common natur'. + RALPH, But it's a strange anomaly, that the daughter of a man +who hails +from the quarter-deck may not love another who lays out on the +fore-yard +arm. For a man is but a man, whether he hoists his flag at the +main-truck +or his slacks on the main-deck. + DICK. Ah, it's a queer world! + RALPH. Dick Deadeye, I have no desire to press hardly on you, +but such +a revolutionary sentiment is enough to make an honest sailor +shudder. + BOAT. My lads, our gallant captain has come on deck; let us +greet him +as so brave an officer and so gallant a seaman deserves. + + Enter CAPTAIN CORCORAN + + RECITATIVE + + CAPT. My gallant crew, good morning. + ALL (saluting). Sir, good morning! + CAPT. I hope you're all quite well. + ALL(as before). Quite well; and you, sir? + CAPT. I am in reasonable health, and happy + To meet you all once more. + ALL (as before). You do us proud, sir! + + SONG--CAPTAIN + + CAPT. I am the Captain of the Pinafore; + ALL. And a right good captain, tool + You're very, very good, + And be it understood, + I command a right good crew, + ALL. We're very, very good, + And be it understood, + He commands a right good crew. + CAPT. Though related to a peer, + I can hand, reef, and steer, + And ship a selvagee; + I am never known to quail + At the furry of a gale, + And I'm never, never sick at sea! + ALL. What, never? + CAPT. No, never! + ALL. What, never? + CAPT. Hardly ever! + ALL. He's hardly ever sick at seal + Then give three cheers, and one cheer more, + For the hardy Captain of the Pinafore! + + CAPT. I do my best to satisfy you all-- + ALL. And with you we're quite content. + CAPT. You're exceedingly polite, + And I think it only right + To return the compliment. + ALL. We're exceedingly polite, + And he thinks it's only right + To return the compliment. + CAPT. Bad language or abuse, + I never, never use, + Whatever the emergency; + Though "Bother it" I may + Occasionally say, + I never use a big, big D-- + ALL. What, never? + CAPT. No, never! + ALL. What, never? + CAPT. Hardly ever! + ALL. Hardly ever swears a big, big D-- + Then give three cheers, and one cheer more, + For the well-bred Captain of the Pinafore! + [After song exeunt all but +CAPTAIN] + +Enter LITTLE BUTTERCUP + +RECITATIVE + + BUT. Sir, you are sad! The silent eloquence + Of yonder tear that trembles on your eyelash + Proclaims a sorrow far more deep than common; + Confide in me--fear not--I am a mother! + + CAPT. Yes, Little Buttercup, I'm sad and sorry-- + My daughter, Josephine, the fairest flower + That ever blossomed on ancestral timber, + Is sought in marriage by Sir Joseph Porter, + Our Admiralty's First Lord, but for some reason + She does not seem to tackle kindly to it. + + BUT, (with emotion). Ah, poor Sir Joseph! Ah, I know too well + The anguish of a heart that loves but vainly! + But see, here comes your most attractive daughter. + I go--Farewell! +[Exit. + + CAPT. (looking after her). A plump and pleasing person! +[Exit. + + Enter JOSEPHINE, twining some flowers which she carries in a +small + basket + +BALLAD JOSEPHINE + + Sorry her lot who loves too well, + Heavy the heart that hopes but vainly, + Sad are the sighs that own the spell, + Uttered by eyes that speak too plainly; + Heavy the sorrow that bows the head + When love is alive and hope is dead! + + Sad is the hour when sets the sun-- + Dark is the night to earth's poor daughters, + When to the ark the wearied one + Flies from the empty waste of waters! + Heavy the sorrow that bows the head + When love is alive and hope is dead! + +Enter CAPTAIN + + CAPT. My child, I grieve to see that you are a prey to +melancholy. You +should look your best to-day, for Sir Joseph Porter, K.C.B., will +be here +this afternoon to claim your promised hand. + JOS. Ah, father, your words cut me to the quick. I can esteem-- +reverence--venerate Sir Joseph, for he is a great and good man; +but oh, I +cannot love him! My heart is already given. + CAPT. (aside). It is then as I feared. (Aloud.) Given? And to +whom? Not +to some gilded lordling? + JOS. No, father--the object of my love is no lordling. Oh, pity +me, for +he is but a humble sailor on board your own ship! + CAPT. Impossible! + JOS. Yes, it is true. + CAPT. A common sailor? Oh fie! + JOS. I blush for the weakness that allows me to cherish such a +passion. +I hate myself when I think of the depth to which I have stooped +in +permitting myself to think tenderly of one so ignobly born, but I +love +him! I love him! I love him! (Weeps.) + CAPT. Come, my child, let us talk this over. In a matter of the +heart I +would not coerce my daughter--I attach but little value to rank +or +wealth, but the line must be drawn somewhere. A man in that +station may +be brave and worthy, but at every step he would commit solecisms +that +society would never pardon. + JOS. Oh, I have thought of this night and day. But fear not, +father, I +have a heart, and therefore I love; but I am your daughter, and +therefore +I am proud. Though I carry my love with me to the tomb, he shall +never, +never know it. + CAPT. You are my daughter after all. But see, Sir Joseph's +barge +approaches, manned by twelve trusty oarsmen and accompanied by +the +admiring crowd of sisters, cousins, and aunts that attend him +wherever he +goes. Retire, my daughter, to your cabin--take this, his +photograph, with +you--it may help to bring you to a more reasonable frame of mind. + JOS. My own thoughtful father! + + [Exit JOSEPHINE. CAPTAIN remains and ascends the poop-deck. + +BARCAROLLE. (invisible) + + Over the bright blue sea + Comes Sir Joseph Porter, K.C.B., + Wherever he may go + Bang-bang the loud nine-pounders go! + Shout o'er the bright blue sea + For Sir Joseph Porter, K.C.B. + + [During this the Crew have entered on tiptoe, listening +attentive to + the song. + +CHORUS OF SAILORS + + Sir Joseph's barge is seen, + And its crowd of blushing beauties, + We hope he'll find us clean, + And attentive to our duties. + We sail, we sail the ocean blue, + And our saucy ship's a beauty. + We're sober, sober men and true + And attentive to our duty. + We're smart and sober men, + And quite devoid of fe-ar, + In all the Royal N. + None are so smart as we are. + +Enter SIR JOSEPH'S FEMALE RELATIVES + +(They dance round stage) + + REL. Gaily tripping, + Lightly skipping, + Flock the maidens to the shipping. + SAILORS. Flags and guns and pennants dipping! + All the ladies love the shipping. + REL. Sailors sprightly + Always rightly + Welcome ladies so politely. + SAILORS. Ladies who can smile so brightly, + Sailors welcome most politely. + CAPT. (from poop). Now give three cheers, I'll lead the way + ALL. Hurrah! hurrah! hurrah! hurray! + +Enter SIR JOSEPH with COUSIN HEBE + +SONG--SIR JOSEPH + + I am the monarch of the sea, + The ruler of the Queen's Navee, + Whose praise Great Britain loudly chants. + COUSIN HEBE. And we are his sisters, and his cousins and his +aunts! + REL. And we are his sisters, and his cousins, and his +aunts! + SIR JOSEPH. When at anchor here I ride, + My bosom swells with pride, + And I snap my fingers at a foeman's +taunts; + COUSIN HEBE. And so do his sisters, and his cousins, and his +aunts! + ALL. And so do his sisters, and his cousins, and his +aunts! + SIR JOSEPH. But when the breezes blow, + I generally go below, + And seek the seclusion that a cabin grants; + COUSIN HEBE. And so do his sisters, and his cousins, and his +aunts! + ALL. And so do his sisters, and his cousins, and his +aunts! + His sisters and his cousins, + Whom he reckons up by dozens, + And his aunts! + +SONG -- SIR JOSEPH + + When I was a lad I served a term + As office boy to an Attorney's firm. + I cleaned the windows and I swept the floor, + And I polished up the handle of the big front door. + I polished up that handle so carefullee + That now I am the Ruler of the Queen's Navee! + +CHORUS.--He polished, etc. + + As office boy I made such a mark + That they gave me the post of a junior clerk. + I served the writs with a smile so bland, + And I copied all the letters in a big round hand-- + I copied all the letters in a hand so free, + That now I am the Ruler of the Queen's Navee! + +CHORUS.- He copied, etc. + + In serving writs I made such a name + That an articled clerk I soon became; + I wore clean collars and a brand-new suit + For the pass examination at the Institute, + And that pass examination did so well for me, + That now I am the Ruler of the Queen's Navee! + +CHORUS.--And that pass examination, etc. + + Of legal knowledge I acquired such a grip + That they took me into the partnership. + And that junior partnership, I ween, + Was the only ship that I ever had seen. + But that kind of ship so suited me, + That now I am the Ruler of the Queen's Navee! + +CHORUS.- But that kind, etc. + + I grew so rich that I was sent + By a pocket borough into Parliament. + I always voted at my party's call, + And I never thought of thinking for myself at all. + I thought so little, they rewarded me + By making me the Ruler of the Queen's Navee! + +CHORUS.- He thought so little, etc. + + Now landsmen all, whoever you may be, + If you want to rise to the top of the tree, + If your soul isn't fettered to an office stool, + Be careful to be guided by this golden rule-- + Stick close to your desks and never go to sea, + And you all may be rulers of the Queen's Navee! + +CHORUS.--Stick close, etc. + + SIR JOSEPH. You've a remarkably fine crew, Captain Corcoran. + CAPT. It is a fine crew, Sir Joseph. + SIR JOSEPH. (examining a very small midshipman). A British +sailor is a +splendid fellow, Captain Corcoran. + CAPT. A splendid fellow indeed, Sir Joseph. + SIR JOSEPH. I hope you treat your crew kindly, Captain +Corcoran. + CAPT. Indeed I hope so, Sir Joseph. + SIR JOSEPH, Never forget that they are the bulwarks of +England's +greatness, Captain Corcoran. + CAPT. So I have always considered them, Sir Joseph. + SIR JOSEPH. No bullying, I trust--no strong language of any +kind, eh? + CAPT. Oh, never, Sir Joseph. + SIR JOSEPH. What, never? + CAPT. Hardly ever, Sir Joseph. They are an excellent crew, and +do their +work thoroughly without it. + SIR JOSEPH. Don't patronise them, sir--pray, don't patronise +them. + CAPT. Certainly not, Sir Joseph. + SIR JOSEPH. That you are their captain is an accident of birth. +I +cannot permit these noble fellows to be patronised because an +accident of +birth has placed you above them and them below you. + CAPT. I am the last person to insult a British sailor, Sir +Joseph. + SIR JOSEPH. You are the last person who did, Captain Corcoran. +Desire +that splendid seaman to step forward. + + (DICK comes forward) + + SIR JOSEPH. No, no, the other splendid seaman. + CAPT. Ralph Rackstraw, three paces to the front--march! + SIR JOSEPH (sternly). If what? + CAPT. I beg your pardon--I don't think I understand you. + SIR JOSEPH. If you please. + CAPT. Oh, yes, of course. If you please. (RALPH steps forward.) + SIR JOSEPH. You're a remarkably fine fellow. + RALPH. Yes, your honour. + SIR JOSEPH. And a first-rate seaman, I'll be bound. + RALPH. There's not a smarter topman in the Navy, your honour, +though I +say it who shouldn't. + SIR JOSEPH. Not at all. Proper self-respect, nothing more. Can +you +dance a hornpipe? + RALPH. No, your honour. + SIR JOSEPH. That's a pity: all sailors should dance hornpipes. +I will +teach you one this evening, after dinner. Now tell me--don't be +afraid-- +how does your captain treat you, eh? + RALPH. A better captain don't walk the deck, your honour. + ALL. Aye; Aye! + SIR JOSEPH. Good. I like to hear you speak well of your +commanding +officer; I daresay he don't deserve it, but still it does you +credit. Can +you sing? + RALPH. I can hum a little, your honour. + SIR JOSEPH. Then hum this at your leisure. (Giving him MS. +music.) It +is a song that I have composed for the use of the Royal Navy. It +is +designed to encourage independence of thought and action in the +lower +branches of the service, and to teach the principle that a +British sailor +is any man's equal, excepting mine. Now, Captain Corcoran, a word +with +you in your cabin, on a tender and sentimental subject. + CAPT. Aye, aye, + Sir Joseph (Crossing) Boatswain, in commemoration of this +joyous +occasion, see that extra grog is served out to the ship's company +at +seven bells. + BOAT. Beg pardon. If what, your honour? + CAPT. If what? I don't think I understand you. + BOAT. If you please, your honour. + CAPT. What! + SIR JOSEPH. The gentleman is quite right. If you please. + CAPT. (stamping his foot impatiently). If you please! + + +[Exit. + SIR JOSEPH. For I hold that on the seas + The expression, "if you please", + A particularly gentlemanly tone implants. + COUSIN HEBE. And so do his sisters, and his cousins, and his +aunts! + ALL. And so do his sisters, and his cousins, and his +aunts! + + [Exeunt SIR JOSEPH AND +RELATIVES. + + BOAT. Ah! Sir Joseph's true gentleman; courteous and +considerate to the +very humblest. + RALPH. True, Boatswain, but we are not the very humblest. Sir +Joseph +has explained our true position to us. As he says, a British +seaman is +any man's equal excepting his, and if Sir Joseph says that, is it +not our +duty to believe him? + ALL. Well spoke! well spoke! + DICK. You're on a wrong tack, and so is he. He means well, but +he don't +know. When people have to obey other people's orders, equality's +out of +the question. + ALL (recoiling). Horrible! horrible! + BOAT. Dick Deadeye, if you go for to infuriate this here ship's +company +too far, I won't answer for being able to hold 'em in. I'm +shocked! +that's what I am--shocked! + RALPH. Messmates, my mind's made up. I'll speak to the +captain's +daughter, and tell her, like an honest man, of the honest love I +have for +her. + ALL. Aye, aye! + RALPH. Is not my love as good as another's? Is not my heart as +true as +another's? Have I not hands and eyes and ears and limbs like +another? + ALL. Aye, Aye! + RALPH. True, I lack birth-- + BOAT. You've a berth on board this very ship. + RALPH. Well said--I had forgotten that. Messmates--what do you +say? Do +you approve my determination? + ALL. We do. + DICK. I don t. + BOAT. What is to be done with this here hopeless chap? Let us +sing him +the song that Sir Joseph has kindly composed for us. Perhaps it +will +bring this here miserable creetur to a proper state of mind. + + GLEE!--RALPH, BOATSWAIN, BOATSWAIN'S MATE, and CHORUS + + A British tar is a soaring soul, + As free as a mountain bird, + His energetic fist should be ready to resist + A dictatorial word. + His nose should pant and his lip should curl, + His cheeks should flame and his brow should furl, + His bosom should heave and his heart should glow, + And his fist be ever ready for a knock-down blow. + +CHORUS.--His nose should pant, etc. + + His eyes should flash with an inborn fire, + His brow with scorn be wrung; + He never should bow down to a domineering frown, + Or the tang of a tyrant tongue. + His foot should stamp and his throat should growl, + His hair should twirl and his face should scowl; + His eyes should flash and his breast protrude, + And this should be his customary attitude--(pose). + +CHORUS.--His foot should stamp, etc. + +[All dance off excepting RALPH, who remains, leaning pensively +against +bulwark. + + Enter JOSEPHINE from cabin + + JOS. It is useless--Sir Joseph's attentions nauseate me. I know +that he +is a truly great and good man, for he told me so himself, but to +me he +seems tedious, fretful, and dictatorial. Yet his must be a mind +of no +common order, or he would not dare to teach my dear father to +dance a +hornpipe on the cabin table. (Sees RALPH.) Ralph Rackstraw! +(Overcome by +emotion.) + RALPH. Aye, lady--no other than poor Ralph Rackstraw! + JOS. (aside). How my heart beats! (Aloud) And why poor, Ralph? + RALPH. I am poor in the essence of happiness, lady--rich only +in never- +ending unrest. In me there meet a combination of antithetical +elements +which are at eternal war with one another. Driven hither by +objective +influences--thither by subjective emotions--wafted one moment +into +blazing day, by mocking hope--plunged the next into the Cimmerian +darkness of tangible despair, I am but a living ganglion of +irreconcilable antagonisms. I hope I make myself clear, lady? + JOS. Perfectly. (Aside.) His simple eloquence goes to my heart. +Oh, if +I dared--but no, the thought is madness! (Aloud.) Dismiss these +foolish +fancies, they torture you but needlessly. Come, make one effort. + RALPH (aside). I will--one. (Aloud.) Josephine! + JOS. (Indignantly). Sir! + RALPH. Aye, even though Jove's armoury were launched at the +head of the +audacious mortal whose lips, unhallowed by relationship, dared to +breathe +that precious word, yet would I breathe it once, and then +perchance be +silent evermore. Josephine, in one brief breath I will +concentrate the +hopes, the doubts, the anxious fears of six weary months. +Josephine, I am +a British sailor, and I love you! + JOS. Sir, this audacity! (Aside.) Oh, my heart, my beating +heart! +(Aloud.) This unwarrantable presumption on the part of a common +sailor! +(Aside.) Common! oh, the irony of the word! (Crossing, aloud.) +Oh, sir, +you forget the disparity in our ranks. + RALPH. I forget nothing, haughty lady. I love you desperately, +my life +is in your hand--I lay it at your feet! Give me hope, and what I +lack in +education and polite accomplishments, that I will endeavour to +acquire. +Drive me to despair, and in death alone I shall look for +consolation. I +am proud and cannot stoop to implore. I have spoken and I wait +your word. + JOS. You shall not wait long. Your proffered love I haughtily +reject. +Go, sir, and learn to cast your eyes on some village maiden in +your own +poor rank--they should be lowered before your captain's daughter. + + DUET--JOSEPHINE and RALPH + + JOS. Refrain, audacious tar, + Your suit from pressing, + Remember what you are, + And whom addressing! + (Aside.) I'd laugh my rank to scorn + In union holy, + Were he more highly born + Or I more lowly! + RALPH. Proud lady, have your way, + Unfeeling beauty! + You speak and I obey, + It is my duty! + I am the lowliest tar + That sails the water, + And you, proud maiden, are + My captain's daughter! + (Aside.) My heart with anguish torn + Bows down before her, + She laughs my love to scorn, + Yet I adore her! + + [Repeat refrain, ensemble, then exit JOSEPHINE into cabin. + + RALPH. (Recit.) Can I survive this overbearing + Or live a life of mad despairing, + My proffered love despised, rejected? + No, no, it's not to be expected! + (Calling off.) + Messmates, ahoy! + Come here! Come here! + + Enter SAILORS, HEBE, and RELATIVES + + ALL. Aye, aye, my boy, + What cheer, what cheer? + Now tell us, pray, + Without delay, + What does she say-- + What cheer, what cheer? + + RALPH (to COUSIN HEBE). The maiden treats my suit with scorn, + Rejects my humble gift, my lady; + She says I am ignobly born, + And cuts my hopes adrift, my lady. + ALL. Oh, cruel one. + + DICK. She spurns your suit? Oho! Oho! + I told you so, I told you so. + + SAILORS and RELATIVES. + Shall { we } submit? Are { we } but slaves? + they they + Love comes alike to high and low-- + Britannia's sailors rule the waves, + And shall they stoop to insult? No! + + DICK. You must submit, you are but slaves; + A lady she! Oho! Oho! + You lowly toilers of the waves, + She spurns you all--I told you so! + + RALPH. My friends, my leave of life I'm taking, + For oh, my heart, my heart is breaking. + When I am gone, oh, prithee tell + The maid that, as I died, I loved her well! + + ALL (turning away, weeping). Of life, alas! his leave he's +taking, + For ah! his faithful heart is breaking; + When he is gone we'll surely tell + The maid that, as he died, he loved her well. + +[During Chorus BOATSWAIN has loaded pistol, which he hands to +RALPH. + + RALPH. Be warned, my messmates all + Who love in rank above you-- + For Josephine I fall! + + [Puts pistol to his head. All the sailors stop their +ears. + + Enter JOSEPHINE on deck + + JOS. Ah! stay your hand--I love you! + ALL. Ah! stay your hand--she loves you! + RALPH. (incredulously). Loves me? + JOS. Loves you! + ALL. Yes, yes--ah, yes,--she loves you! + + ENSEMBLE + + SAILORS and RELATIVES and JOSEPHINE + + Oh joy, oh rapture unforeseen, + For now the sky is all serene; + The god of day--the orb of love-- + Has hung his ensign high above, + The sky is all ablaze. + + With wooing words and loving song, + We'll chase the lagging hours along, + And if {I find } the maiden coy, + we find + I'll } murmur forth decorous joy + We'll + In dreamy roundelays! + + DICK DEADEYE + + He thinks he's won his Josephine, + But though the sky is now serene, + A frowning thunderbolt above + May end their ill-assorted love + Which now is all ablaze. + + Our captain, ere the day is gone, + Will be extremely down upon + The wicked men who art employ + To make his Josephine less coy + In many various ways. [Exit +DICK. + + JOS. This very night, + HEBE. With bated breath + RALPH. And muffled oar-- + JOS. Without a light, + HEBE. As still as death, + RALPH. We'll steal ashore + JOS. A clergyman + RALPH. Shall make us one + BOAT, At half-past ten, + JOS. And then we can + RALPH Return, for none + BOAT. Can part them then! + ALL. This very night, etc. + + (DICK appears at hatchway.) + +DICK. Forbear, nor carry out the scheme you've planned; + She is a lady--you a foremast hand! + Remember, she's your gallant captain's daughter, + And you the meanest slave that crawls the water! +ALL. Back, vermin, back, + Nor mock us! + Back, vermin, back, + You shock us! + [Exit DICK + + Let's give three cheers for the sailor's bride + Who casts all thought of rank aside-- + Who gives up home and fortune too + For the honest love of a sailor true! + For a British tar is a soaring soul + As free as a mountain bird! + His energetic fist should be ready to resist + A dictatorial word! + His foot should stamp and his throat should growl, + His hair should twirl and his face should scowl, + His eyes should flash and his breast protrude, + And this should be his customary attitude--(pose). + + GENERAL DANCE + + END OF ACT I + + + + ACT II + + Same Scene. Night. Awning removed. Moonlight. CAPTAIN +discovered + singing on poop deck, and accompanying himself on a +mandolin. LITTLE + BUTTERCUP seated on quarterdeck, gazing sentimentally at +him. + + SONG--CAPTAIN + + Fair moon, to thee I sing, + Bright regent of the heavens, + Say, why is everything + Either at sixes or at sevens? + I have lived hitherto + Free from breath of slander, + Beloved by all my crew-- + A really popular commander. + But now my kindly crew rebel, + My daughter to a tar is partial, + Sir Joseph storms, and, sad to tell, + He threatens a court martial! + Fair moon, to thee I sing, + Bright regent of the heavens, + Say, why is everything + Either at sixes or at sevens? + + BUT. How sweetly he carols forth his melody to the +unconscious +moon! Of whom is he thinking? Of some high-born beauty? It may +be! Who is +poor Little Buttercup that she should expect his glance to fall +on one so +lowly! And yet if he knew--if he only knew! + CAPT. (coming down). Ah! Little Buttercup, still on board? +That is +not quite right, little one. It would have been more respectable +to have +gone on shore at dusk. + BUT, True, dear Captain--but the recollection of your sad +pale +face seemed to chain me to the ship. I would fain see you smile +before I +go. + CAPT. Ah! Little Buttercup, I fear it will be long before I +recover my accustomed cheerfulness, for misfortunes crowd upon +me, and +all my old friends seem to have turned against me! + BUT, Oh no--do not say "all", dear Captain. That were +unjust to +one, at least. + CAPT. True, for you are staunch to me. (Aside.) If ever I +gave my +heart again, methinks it would be to such a one as this! (Aloud.) +I am +touched to the heart by your innocent regard for me, and were we +differently situated, I think I could have returned it. But as it +is, I +fear I can never be more to you than a friend. + BUT, I understand! You hold aloof from me because you are +rich and +lofty--and I poor and lowly. But take care! The poor bumboat +woman has +gipsy blood in her veins, and she can read destinies. + CAPT. Destinies? + BUT. There is a change in store for you! + CAPT. A change? + BUT. Aye--be prepared! + + DUET--LITTLE BUTTERCUP and CAPTAIN + + BUT, Things are seldom what they seem, + Skim milk masquerades as cream; + Highlows pass as patent leathers; + Jackdaws strut in peacock's feathers. + CAPT. (puzzled). Very true, + So they do. + BUT. Black sheep dwell in every fold; + All that glitters is not gold; + Storks turn out to be but logs; + Bulls are but inflated frogs. + CAPT. (puzzled). So they be, + Frequentlee. + BUT. Drops the wind and stops the mill; + Turbot is ambitious brill; + Gild the farthing if you will, + Yet it is a farthing still. + CAPT. (puzzled). Yes, I know. + That is so. + Though to catch your drift I'm striving, + It is shady--it is shady; + I don't see at what you're driving, + Mystic lady--mystic lady. + (Aside.) Stern conviction's o'er me stealing, + That the mystic lady's dealing + In oracular revealing. + BUT. (aside).Stern conviction's o'er him stealing, + That the mystic lady's dealing + In oracular revealing. + Yes, I know-- + That is so! + CAPT. Though I'm anything but clever, + I could talk like that for ever: + Once a cat was killed by care; + Only brave deserve the fair. + Very true, + So they do. + CAPT. Wink is often good as nod; + Spoils the child who spares the rod; + Thirsty lambs run foxy dangers; + Dogs are found in many mangers. + BUT. Frequentlee, + I agree. + Paw of cat the chestnut snatches; + Worn-out garments show new patches; + Only count the chick that hatches; + Men are grown-up catchy-catchies. + BUT. Yes, I know, + That is so. + (Aside.) Though to catch my drift he's striving, + I'll dissemble--I'll dissemble; + When he sees at what I'm driving, + Let him tremble--let him tremble! + + ENSEMBLE + + Though a mystic tone { I } borrow, + you + You will } learn the truth with sorrow, + I shall + Here to-day and gone to-morrow; + Yes, I know-- + That is so! + [At the end exit LITTLE BUTTERCUP +melodramatically. + + CAPT. Incomprehensible as her utterances are, I nevertheless +feel that +they are dictated by a sincere regard for me. But to what new +misery is +she referring? Time alone can tell! + + Enter SIR JOSEPH + + SIR JOSEPH. Captain Corcoran, I am much disappointed with your +daughter. In fact, I don't think she will do. + CAPT. She won't do, Sir Joseph! + SIR JOSEPH. I'm afraid not. The fact is, that although I have +urged my +suit with as much eloquence as is consistent with an official +utterance, +I have done so hitherto without success. How do you account for +this? + CAPT. Really, Sir Joseph, I hardly know. Josephine is of course +sensible of your condescension. + SIR JOSEPH. She naturally would be. + CAPT. But perhaps your exalted rank dazzles her. + SIR JOSEPH. You think it does? + CAPT. I can hardly say; but she is a modest girl, and her +social +position is far below your own. It may be that she feels she is +not +worthy of you. + SIR JOSEPH. That is really a very sensible suggestion, and +displays +more knowledge of human nature than I had given you credit for. + CAPT. See, she comes. If your lordship would kindly reason with +her and +assure her officially that it is a standing rule at the Admiralty +that +love levels all ranks, her respect for an official utterance +might induce +her to look upon your offer in its proper light. + SIR JOSEPH. It is not unlikely. I will adopt your suggestion. +But soft, +she is here. Let us withdraw, and watch our opportunity. + + Enter JOSEPHINE from cabin. FIRST LORD and CAPTAIN retire + + SCENE--JOSEPHINE + + The hours creep on apace, + My guilty heart is quaking! + Oh, that I might retrace + The step that I am taking! + Its folly it were easy to be showing, + What I am giving up and whither going. + On the one hand, papa's luxurious home, + Hung with ancestral armour and old brasses, + Carved oak and tapestry from distant Rome, + Rare "blue and white" Venetian finger-glasses, + Rich oriental rugs, luxurious sofa pillows, + And everything that isn't old, from Gillow's. + And on the other, a dark and dingy room, + In some back street with stuffy children crying, + Where organs yell, and clacking housewives fume, + And clothes are hanging out all day a-drying. + With one cracked looking-glass to see your face +in, + And dinner served up in a pudding basin! + + A simple sailor, lowly born, + Unlettered and unknown, + Who toils for bread from early mom + Till half the night has flown! + No golden rank can he impart-- + No wealth of house or land-- + No fortune save his trusty heart + And honest brown right hand! + And yet he is so wondrous fair + That love for one so passing rare, + So peerless in his manly beauty, + Were little else than solemn duty! + Oh, god of love, and god of reason, say, + Which of you twain shall my poor heart obey! + + SIR JOSEPH and CAPTAIN enter + + SIR JOSEPH. Madam, it has been represented to me that you are +appalled +by my exalted rank. I desire to convey to you officially my +assurance, +that if your hesitation is attributable to that circumstance, it +is +uncalled for. + JOS. Oh! then your lordship is of opinion that married +happiness is not +inconsistent with discrepancy in rank? + SIR JOSEPH. I am officially of that opinion. + JOS. That the high and the lowly may be truly happy together, +provided +that they truly love one another? + SIR JOSEPH. Madam, I desire to convey to you officially my +opinion that +love is a platform upon which all ranks meet. + JOS. I thank you, Sir Joseph. I did hesitate, but I will +hesitate no +longer. (Aside.) He little thinks how eloquently he has pleaded +his +rival's cause! + + TRIO + + FIRST LORD, CAPTAIN, and JOSEPHINE + +CAPT. Never mind the why and wherefore, + Love can level ranks, and therefore, + Though his lordship's station's mighty, + Though stupendous be his brain, + Though your tastes are mean and flighty + And your fortune poor and plain, +CAPT. and Ring the merry bells on board-ship, +SIR JOSEPH. Rend the air with warbling wild, + For the union of { his } lordship + my + With a humble captain's child! +CAPT. For a humble captain's daughter-- +JOS. For a gallant captain's daughter-- +SIR JOSEPH. And a lord who rules the water-- +JOS. (aside). And a tar who ploughs the water! +ALL. Let the air with joy be laden, + Rend with songs the air above, + For the union of a maiden + With the man who owns her love! +SIR JOSEPH. Never mind the why and wherefore, + Love can level ranks, and therefore, + Though your nautical relation (alluding to CAPT.) + In my set could scarcely pass-- + Though you occupy a station + In the lower middle class-- +CAPT. and Ring the merry bells on board-ship, +SIR JOSEPH Rend the air with warbling wild, + For the union of { my } lordship + your + With a humble captain's child! +CAPT. For a humble captain's daughter-- +JOS. For a gallant captain's daughter-- +SIR JOSEPH. And a lord who rules the water-- +JOS. (aside). And a tar who ploughs the water! +ALL. Let the air with joy be laden, + Rend with songs the air above, + For the union of a maiden + With the man who owns her love! + +JOS. Never mind the why and wherefore, + Love can level ranks, and therefore + I admit the jurisdiction; + Ably have you played your part; + You have carried firm conviction + To my hesitating heart. +CAPT. and Ring the merry bells on board-ship, +SIR JOSEPH. Rend the air with warbling wild, + For the union of { my } lordship + his + With a humble captain's child! + CAPT. For a humble captain's daughter-- + JOS. For a gallant captain's daughter-- + SIR JOSEPH. And a lord who rules the water-- + JOS. (aside). And a tar who ploughs the water! + (Aloud.) Let the air with joy be laden. + CAPT. and SIR JOSEPH. Ring the merry bells on board-ship-- + JOS. For the union of a maiden-- + CAPT. and SIR JOSEPH. For her union with his lordship. + ALL. Rend with songs the air above + For the man who owns her love! + + [Exit JOS. + CAPT. Sir Joseph, I cannot express to you my delight at the +happy +result of your eloquence. Your argument was unanswerable. + SIR JOSEPH. Captain Corcoran, it is one of the happiest +characteristics +of this glorious country that official utterances are invariably +regarded +as unanswerable. [Exit SIR +JOSEPH. + CAPT. At last my fond hopes are to be crowned. My only daughter +is to +be the bride of a Cabinet Minister. The prospect is Elysian. +(During this +speech DICK DEADEYE has entered.) + DICK. Captain. + CAPT. Deadeye! You here? Don't! (Recoiling from him.) + DICK. Ah, don't shrink from me, Captain. I'm unpleasant to look +at, and +my name's agin me, but I ain't as bad as I seem. + CAPT. What would you with me? + DICK (mysteriously). I'm come to give you warning. + CAPT. Indeed! do you propose to leave the Navy then? + DICK. No, no, you misunderstand me; listen! + + DUET + CAPTAIN and DICK DEADEYE + + DICK. Kind Captain, I've important information, + Sing hey, the kind commander that you are, + About a certain intimate relation, + Sing hey, the merry maiden and the tar. + BOTH. The merry maiden and the tar. + + CAPT. Good fellow, in conundrums you are speaking, + Sing hey, the mystic sailor that you are; + The answer to them vainly I am seeking; + Sing hey, the merry maiden and the tar. + BOTH The merry maiden and the tar. + + DICK. Kind Captain, your young lady is a-sighing, + Sing hey, the simple captain that you are, + This very might with Rackstraw to be flying; + Sing hey, the merry maiden and the tar. + BOTH. The merry maiden and the tar. + + CAPT. Good fellow, you have given timely warning, + Sing hey, the thoughtful sailor that you are, + I'll talk to Master Rackstraw in the morning: + Sing hey, the cat-o'-nine-tails and the tar. + (Producing a +"cat".) + + BOTH. The merry cat-o'-nine-tails and the tar! + + CAPT. Dick Deadeye--I thank you for your warning--I will at +once take +means to arrest their flight. This boat cloak will afford me +ample +disguise--So! (Envelops himself in a mysterious cloak, holding it +before +his face.) + DICK. Ha, ha! They are foiled--foiled--foiled! + + Enter Crew on tiptoe, with RALPH and BOATSWAIN meeting +JOSEPHINE, who + enters from cabin on tiptoe, with bundle of necessaries, and + accompanied by LITTLE BUTTERCUP. + + ENSEMBLE + + Carefully on tiptoe stealing, + Breathing gently as we may, + Every step with caution feeling, + We will softly steal away. + + (CAPTAIN stamps)--Chord. + + ALL (much alarmed). Goodness me-- + Why, what was that? + DICK. Silent be, + It was the cat! + ALL. (reassured). It was--it was the cat! + CAPT. (producing cat-o'-nine-tails). They're right, it was the +cat! + + ALL. Pull ashore, in fashion steady, + Hymen will defray the fare, + For a clergyman is ready + To unite the happy pair! + + (Stamp as before, and Chord.) + + ALL. Goodness me, + Why, what was that? + DICK. Silent be, + Again the cat! + ALL. It was again that cat! + CAPT. (aside). They're right, it was the cat! + CAPT. (throwing off cloak). Hold! (All start.) + Pretty daughter of mine, + I insist upon knowing + Where you may be going + With these sons of the brine, + For my excellent crew, + Though foes they could thump any, + Are scarcely fit company, + My daughter, for you. + CREW. Now, hark at that, do! + Though foes we could thump any, + We are scarcely fit company + For a lady like you! + + RALPH. Proud officer, that haughty lip uncurl! + Vain man, suppress that supercilious sneer, + For I have dared to love your matchless girl, + A fact well known to all my messmates here! + + CAPT. Oh, horror! + + RALPH and Jos. { I } humble, poor, and lowly born, + He + The meanest in the port division-- + The butt of epauletted scorn-- + The mark of quarter-deck derision-- + Have } dare to raise { my } wormy eyes + Has his + Above the dust to which you'd mould { me + him + In manhood's glorious pride to rise, + I am } an Englishman--behold { me + He is him + + ALL. He is an Englishman! + BOAT. He is an Englishman! + For he himself has said it, + And it's greatly to his credit, + That he is an Englishman! + + ALL. That he is an Englishman! + BOAT. For he might have been a Roosian, + A French, or Turk, or Proosian, + Or perhaps Itali-an! + + ALL. Or perhaps Itali-an! + BOAT. But in spite of all temptations + To belong to other nations, + He remains an Englishman! + + ALL. For in spite of all temptations, etc. + + CAPT. (trying to repress his anger). + In uttering a reprobation + To any British tar, + I try to speak with moderation, + But you have gone too far. + I'm very sorry to disparage + A humble foremast lad, + But to seek your captain's child in marriage, + Why damme, it's too bad + + [During this, COUSIN HEBE and FEMALE RELATIVES have entered. + + ALL (shocked). Oh! + CAPT. Yes, damme, it's too bad! + ALL. Oh! + CAPT. and DICK DEADEYE. Yes, damme, it s too bad. + + [During this, SIR JOSEPH has appeared on poop-deck. He is +horrified + at the bad language. + + HEBE. Did you hear him? Did you hear him? + Oh, the monster overbearing! + Don't go near him--don't go near him-- + He is swearing--he is swearing! + SIR JOSEPH. My pain and my distress, + I find it is not easy to express; + My amazement--my surprise-- + You may learn from the expression of my eyes! + CAPT. My lord--one word--the facts are not before +you + The word was injudicious, I allow-- + But hear my explanation, I implore you, + And you will be indignant too, I vow! + SIR JOSEPH. I will hear of no defence, + Attempt none if you're sensible. + That word of evil sense + Is wholly indefensible. + Go, ribald, get you hence + To your cabin with celerity. + This is the consequence + Of ill-advised asperity + + [Exit CAPTAIN, disgraced, followed by +JOSEPHINE + + ALL. This is the consequence, + Of ill-advised asperity! + SIR JOSEPH. For I'll teach you all, ere long, + To refrain from language strong + For I haven't any sympathy for ill-bred +taunts! + HEBE. No more have his sisters, nor his cousins, +nor his + aunts. + ALL. For he is an Englishman, etc. + + SIR JOSEPH. Now, tell me, my fine fellow--for you are a fine +fellow-- + RALPH. Yes, your honour. + SIR JOSEPH. How came your captain so far to forget himself? I +am quite +sure you had given him no cause for annoyance. + RALPH, Please your honour, it was thus-wise. You see I'm only a +topman- +-a mere foremast hand-- + SIR JOSEPH. Don't be ashamed of that. Your position as a topman +is a +very exalted one. + RALPH. Well, your honour, love burns as brightly in the +fo'c'sle as it +does on the quarter-deck, and Josephine is the fairest bud that +ever +blossomed upon the tree of a poor fellow's wildest hopes. + + Enter JOSEPHINE; she rushes to RALPH'S arms + + JOS. Darling! (SIR JOSEPH horrified.) + RALPH. She is the figurehead of my ship of life--the bright +beacon that +guides me into my port of happiness--that the rarest, the purest +gem that +ever sparkled on a poor but worthy fellow's trusting brow! + ALL. Very pretty, very pretty! + SIR JOSEPH. Insolent sailor, you shall repent this outrage. +Seize him! + (Two Marines seize him and handcuff him.) + JOS. Oh, Sir Joseph, spare him, for I love him tenderly. + SIR JOSEPH. Pray, don't. I will teach this presumptuous mariner +to +discipline his affections. Have you such a thing as a dungeon on +board? + ALL. We have! + DICK. They have! + SIR JOSEPH. Then load him with chains and take him there at +once! + + OCTETTE + + RALPH. Farewell, my own, + Light of my life, farewell! + For crime unknown + I go to a dungeon cell. + + JOS. I will atone. + In the meantime farewell! + And all alone + Rejoice in your dungeon cell! + + SIR JOSEPH. A bone, a bone + I'll pick with this sailor fell; + Let him be shown at once + At once to his dungeon cell. + + BOATSWAIN, DICK DEADEYE, and COUSIN HEBE + + He'll hear no tone + Of the maiden he loves so well! + No telephone + Communicates with his cell! + + BUT. (mysteriously). But when is known + The secret I have to tell, + Wide will be thrown + The door of his dungeon cell. + + ALL. For crime unknown + He goes to a dungeon cell! + [RALPH is led off in +custody. + + SIR JOSEPH. My pain and my distress + Again it is not easy to express. + My amazement, my surprise, + Again you may discover from my eyes. + + ALL. How terrible the aspect of his eyes! + + BUT. Hold! Ere upon your loss + You lay much stress, + A long-concealed crime + I would confess. + + SONG--BUTTERCUP + + A many years ago, + When I was young and charming, + As some of you may know, + I practised baby-farming. + + ALL. Now this is most alarming! + When she was young and charming, + She practised baby-farming, + A many years ago. + + BUT. Two tender babes I nursed: + One was of low condition, + The other, upper crust, + A regular patrician. + + ALL (explaining to each other). + Now, this is the position: + One was of low condition, + The other a patrician, + A many years ago. + + BUT. Oh, bitter is my cup! + However could I do it? + I mixed those children up, + And not a creature knew it! + + ALL. However could you do it? + Some day, no doubt, you'll rue it, + Although no creature knew it, + So many years ago. + + BUT. In time each little waif + Forsook his foster-mother, + The well born babe was Ralph-- + Your captain was the other!!! + + ALL. They left their foster-mother, + The one was Ralph, our brother, + Our captain was the other, + A many years ago. + + SIR JOSEPH. Then I am to understand that Captain Corcoran and +Ralph +were exchanged in childhood's happy hour--that Ralph is really +the +Captain, and the Captain is Ralph? + BUT. That is the idea I intended to convey, officially! + SIR JOSEPH. And very well you have conveyed it. + BUT. Aye! aye! yer 'onour. + SIR JOSEPH. Dear me! Let them appear before me, at once! + +[RALPH. enters as CAPTAIN; CAPTAIN as a common sailor. JOSEPHINE +rushes +to his arms + + JOS. My father--a common sailor! + CAPT. It is hard, is it not, my dear? + SIR JOSEPH. This is a very singular occurrence; I congratulate +you +both. (To RALPH.) Desire that remarkably fine seaman to step +forward. + RALPH. Corcoran. Three paces to the front--march! + CAPT. If what? + RALPH. If what? I don't think I understand you. + CAPT. If you please. + SIR JOSEPH. The gentleman is quite right. If you please. + RALPH. Oh! If you please. (CAPTAIN steps forward.) + SIR JOSEPH (to CAPTAIN).You are an extremely fine fellow. + CAPT. Yes, your honour. + SIR JOSEPH. So it seems that you were Ralph, and Ralph was you. + CAPT. SO it seems, your honour. + SIR JOSEPH. Well, I need not tell you that after this change in +your +condition, a marriage with your daughter will be out of the +question. + CAPT. Don't say that, your honour--love levels all ranks. + SIR JOSEPH. It does to a considerable extent, but it does not +level +them as much as that. (Handing JOSEPHINE to RALPH.) Here -- take +her, +sir, and mind you treat her kindly. + RALPH and JOS. Oh bliss, oh rapture! + CAPT. and BUT. Oh rapture, oh bliss! + + SIR JOSEPH. Sad my lot and sorry, + What shall I do? I cannot live alone! +HEBE. Fear nothing--while I live I'll not desert you. + I'll soothe and comfort your declining days. + SIR JOSEPH. No, don't do that. + HEBE. Yes, but indeed I'd rather-- + SIR JOSEPH (resigned). To-morrow morn our vows shall all be +plighted, + Three loving pairs on the same day united! + + QUARTETTE + + JOSEPHINE, HEBE, RALPH, and DEADEYE + + Oh joy, oh rapture unforeseen, + The clouded sky is now serene, + The god of day--the orb of love, + Has hung his ensign high above, + The sky is all ablaze. + + With wooing words and loving song, + We'll chase the lagging hours along, + And if { he finds } the maiden coy, + I find + We'll murmur forth decorous joy, + In dreamy roundelay. + + CAPT. For he's the Captain of the Pinafore. + ALL. And a right good captain too! + CAPT. And though before my fall + I was captain of you all, + I'm a member of the crew. + ALL. Although before his fall, etc. + CAPT. I shall marry with a wife, + In my humble rank of life! (turning to BUT.) + And you, my own, are she-- + I must wander to and fro; + But wherever I may go, + I shall never be untrue to thee! + ALL. What, never? + CAPT. No, never! + ALL. What, never! + CAPT. Hardly ever! + ALL. Hardly ever be untrue to thee. + Then give three cheers, and one cheer more + For the former Captain of the Pinafore. + + BUT. For he loves Little Buttercup, dear Little + Buttercup, + Though I could never tell why; + But still he loves Buttercup, poor Little + Buttercup, + Sweet Little Buttercup, aye! + ALL. For he loves, etc. + + SIR JOSEPH. I'm the monarch of the sea, + And when I've married thee (to HEBE), + I'll be true to the devotion that my love + implants, + HEBE. Then good-bye to his sisters, and his +cousins, + and his aunts, + Especially his cousins, + Whom he reckons up by dozens, + His sisters, and his cousins, and his aunts! + + ALL. For he is an Englishman, + And he himself hath said it, + And it's greatly to his credit + That he is an Englishman! + + CURTAIN + + + Iolanthe + + or + + The Peer and the Peri + + + DRAMATIS PERSONAE + +THE LORD CHANCELLOR +EARL OF MOUNTARARAT +EARL TOLLOLLER +PRIVATE WILLIS (of the Grenadier Guards) +STREPHON (an Arcadian Shepherd) +QUEEN OF THE FAIRIES +IOLANTHE (a Fairy, Strephon's Mother) + +FAIRIES: + CELIA + LEILA + FLETA + +PHYLLIS (an Arcadian Shepherdess and Ward of Chancery) + + ACT I + + An Arcadian Landscape + + ACT II + + Palace Yard, Westminster + + + ACT I + + +SCENE.--An Arcadian Landscape. A river runs around the back of the +stage. A rustic bridge crosses the river. + +Enter Fairies, led by Leila, Celia, and Fleta. They trip around +the stage, singing as they dance. + + CHORUS. + + Tripping hither, tripping thither, + Nobody knows why or whither; + We must dance and we must sing + Round about our fairy ring! + + SOLO--CELIA. + + We are dainty little fairies, + Ever singing, ever dancing; + We indulge in our vagaries + In a fashion most entrancing. + If you ask the special function + Of our never-ceasing motion, + We reply, without compunction, + That we haven't any notion! + + CHORUS. + + No, we haven't any notion! + Tripping hither, etc. + + SOLO--LEILA. + + If you ask us how we live, + Lovers all essentials give-- + We can ride on lovers' sighs, + Warm ourselves in lovers' eyes, + Bathe ourselves in lovers' tears, + Clothe ourselves with lovers' fears, + Arm ourselves with lovers' darts, + Hide ourselves in lovers' hearts. + When you know us, you'll discover + That we almost live on lover! + + CHORUS. + + Yes, we live on lover! + Tripping hither, etc. + (At the end of Chorus, all sigh wearily.) + + CELIA. Ah, it's all very well, but since our Queen banished +Iolanthe, fairy revels have not been what they were! + + LEILA. Iolanthe was the life and soul of Fairyland. Why, she +wrote all our songs and arranged all our dances! We sing her songs +and we trip her measures, but we don't enjoy ourselves! + FLETA. To think that five-and-twenty years have elapsed since +she was banished! What could she have done to have deserved so +terrible a punishment? + LEILA. Something awful! She married a mortal! + FLETA. Oh! Is it injudicious to marry a mortal? + LEILA. Injudicious? It strikes at the root of the whole +fairy system! By our laws, the fairy who marries a mortal dies! + CELIA. But Iolanthe didn't die! + + (Enter Fairy Queen.) + + QUEEN. No, because your Queen, who loved her with a +surpassing love, commuted her sentence to penal servitude for life, +on condition that she left her husband and never communicated with +him again! + LEILA. That sentence of penal servitude she is now working +out, on her head, at the bottom of that stream! + QUEEN. Yes, but when I banished her, I gave her all the +pleasant places of the earth to dwell in. I'm sure I never +intended that she should go and live at the bottom of a stream! It +makes me perfectly wretched to think of the discomfort she must +have undergone! + LEILA. Think of the damp! And her chest was always delicate. + QUEEN. And the frogs! Ugh! I never shall enjoy any peace of +mind until I know why Iolanthe went to live among the frogs! + FLETA. Then why not summon her and ask her? + QUEEN. Why? Because if I set eyes on her I should forgive +her at once! + CELIA. Then why not forgive her? Twenty-five years--it's a +long time! + LEILA. Think how we loved her! + QUEEN. Loved her? What was your love to mine? Why, she was +invaluable to me! Who taught me to curl myself inside a buttercup? +Iolanthe! Who taught me to swing upon a cobweb? Iolanthe! Who +taught me to dive into a dewdrop--to nestle in a nutshell--to +gambol upon gossamer? Iolanthe! + LEILA. She certainly did surprising things! + FLETA. Oh, give her back to us, great Queen, for your sake if +not for ours! (All kneel in supplication.) + QUEEN (irresolute). Oh, I should be strong, but I am weak! +I should be marble, but I am clay! Her punishment has been heavier +than I intended. I did not mean that she should live among the +frogs--and--well, well, it shall be as you wish--it shall be as you +wish! + + INVOCATION--QUEEN. + + Iolanthe! + From thy dark exile thou art summoned! + Come to our call-- + Come, come, Iolanthe! + +CELIA. Iolanthe! + +LEILA. Iolanthe! + +ALL. Come to our call, Iolanthe! + Iolanthe, come! + +(Iolanthe rises from the water. She is clad in water-weeds. She +approaches the Queen with head bent and arms crossed.) + +IOLANTHE. With humbled breast + And every hope laid low, + To thy behest, + Offended Queen, I bow! + +QUEEN. For a dark sin against our fairy laws + We sent thee into life-long banishment; + But mercy holds her sway within our hearts-- + Rise--thou art pardoned! + +IOL. Pardoned! + +ALL. Pardoned! + +(Her weeds fall from her, and she appears clothed as a fairy. The +Queen places a diamond coronet on her head, and embraces her. The +others also embrace her.) + + CHORUS. + + Welcome to our hearts again, + Iolanthe! Iolanthe! + We have shared thy bitter pain, + Iolanthe! Iolanthe! + + Every heart and every hand + In our loving little band + Welcomes thee to Fairyland, + Iolanthe! + + QUEEN. And now, tell me, with all the world to choose from, +why on earth did you decide to live at the bottom of that stream? + IOL. To be near my son, Strephon. + QUEEN. Bless my heart, I didn't know you had a son. + IOL. He was born soon after I left my husband by your royal +command--but he does not even know of his father's existence. + FLETA. How old is he? + IOL. Twenty-four. + LEILA. Twenty-four! No one, to look at you, would think you +had a son of twenty-four! But that's one of the advantages of +being immortal. We never grow old! Is he pretty? + IOL. He's extremely pretty, but he's inclined to be stout. + ALL (disappointed). Oh! + QUEEN. I see no objection to stoutness, in moderation. + CELIA. And what is he? + IOL. He's an Arcadian shepherd--and he loves Phyllis, a Ward +in Chancery. + CELIA. A mere shepherd! and he half a fairy! + IOL. He's a fairy down to the waist--but his legs are mortal. + ALL. Dear me! + QUEEN. I have no reason to suppose that I am more curious +than other people, but I confess I should like to see a person who +is a fairy down to the waist, but whose legs are mortal. + IOL. Nothing easier, for here he comes! + +(Enter Strephon, singing and dancing and playing on a flageolet. +He does not see the Fairies, who retire up stage as he enters.) + + SONG--STREPHON. + + Good morrow, good mother! + Good mother, good morrow! + By some means or other, + Pray banish your sorrow! + With joy beyond telling + My bosom is swelling, + So join in a measure + Expressive of pleasure, + For I'm to be married to-day--to-day-- + Yes, I'm to be married to-day! + +CHORUS (aside). Yes, he's to be married to-day--to-day-- + Yes, he's to be married to-day! + + IOL. Then the Lord Chancellor has at last given his consent +to your marriage with his beautiful ward, Phyllis? + STREPH. Not he, indeed. To all my tearful prayers he answers +me, "A shepherd lad is no fit helpmate for a Ward of Chancery." I +stood in court, and there I sang him songs of Arcadee, with +flageolet accompaniment--in vain. At first he seemed amused, so +did the Bar; but quickly wearying of my song and pipe, bade me get +out. A servile usher then, in crumpled bands and rusty bombazine, +led me, still singing, into Chancery Lane! I'll go no more; I'll +marry her to-day, and brave the upshot, be it what it may! (Sees +Fairies.) But who are these? + IOL. Oh, Strephon! rejoice with me, my Queen has pardoned +me! + STREPH. Pardoned you, mother? This is good news indeed. + IOL. And these ladies are my beloved sisters. + STREPH. Your sisters! Then they are--my aunts! + QUEEN. A pleasant piece of news for your bride on her wedding +day! + STREPH. Hush! My bride knows nothing of my fairyhood. I +dare not tell her, lest it frighten her. She thinks me mortal, and +prefers me so. + LEILA. Your fairyhood doesn't seem to have done you much +good. + STREPH. Much good! My dear aunt! it's the curse of my +existence! What's the use of being half a fairy? My body can +creep through a keyhole, but what's the good of that when my legs +are left kicking behind? I can make myself invisible down to the +waist, but that's of no use when my legs remain exposed to view! +My brain is a fairy brain, but from the waist downwards I'm a +gibbering idiot. My upper half is immortal, but my lower half +grows older every day, and some day or other must die of old age. +What's to become of my upper half when I've buried my lower half I +really don't know! + FAIRIES. Poor fellow! + QUEEN. I see your difficulty, but with a fairy brain you +should seek an intellectual sphere of action. Let me see. I've a +borough or two at my disposal. Would you like to go into +Parliament? + IOL. A fairy Member! That would be delightful! + STREPH. I'm afraid I should do no good there--you see, down +to the waist, I'm a Tory of the most determined description, but my +legs are a couple of confounded Radicals, and, on a division, +they'd be sure to take me into the wrong lobby. You see, they're +two to one, which is a strong working majority. + QUEEN. Don't let that distress you; you shall be returned as +a Liberal-Conservative, and your legs shall be our peculiar care. + STREPH. (bowing). I see your Majesty does not do things by +halves. + QUEEN. No, we are fairies down to the feet. + + ENSEMBLE. + +QUEEN. Fare thee well, attractive stranger. +FAIRIES. Fare thee well, attractive stranger. +QUEEN. Shouldst thou be in doubt or danger, + Peril or perplexitee, + Call us, and we'll come to thee! +FAIRIES. Aye! Call us, and we'll come to thee! + Tripping hither, tripping thither, + Nobody knows why or whither; + We must now be taking wing + To another fairy ring! + +(Fairies and Queen trip off, Iolanthe, who takes an affectionate +farewell of her son, going off last.) + +(Enter Phyllis, singing and dancing, and accompanying herself on a +flageolet.) + + SONG--PHYLLIS. + + Good morrow, good lover! + Good lover, good morrow! + I prithee discover, + Steal, purchase, or borrow + Some means of concealing + The care you are feeling, + And join in a measure + Expressive of pleasure, + For we're to be married to-day--to-day! + Yes, we're to be married to-day! + +BOTH. Yes, we're to be married, etc. + + STREPH. (embracing her). My Phyllis! And to-day we are to be +made happy for ever. + PHYL. Well, we're to be married. + STREPH. It's the same thing. + PHYL. I suppose it is. But oh, Strephon, I tremble at the +step I'm taking! I believe it's penal servitude for life to marry +a Ward of Court without the Lord Chancellor's consent! I shall be +of age in two years. Don't you think you could wait two years? + STREPH. Two years. Have you ever looked in the glass? + PHYL. No, never. + STREPH. Here, look at that (showing her a pocket mirror), and +tell me if you think it rational to expect me to wait two years? + PHYL. (looking at herself). No. You're quite right--it's +asking too much. One must be reasonable. + STREPH. Besides, who knows what will happen in two years? +Why, you might fall in love with the Lord Chancellor himself by +that time! + PHYL. Yes. He's a clean old gentleman. + STREPH. As it is, half the House of Lords are sighing at your +feet. + PHYL. The House of Lords are certainly extremely attentive. + STREPH. Attentive? I should think they were! Why did +five-and-twenty Liberal Peers come down to shoot over your +grass-plot last autumn? It couldn't have been the sparrows. Why +did five-and-twenty Conservative Peers come down to fish your pond? +Don't tell me it was the gold-fish! No, no--delays are dangerous, +and if we are to marry, the sooner the better. + + DUET--STREPHON and PHYLLIS. + +PHYLLIS. None shall part us from each other, + One in life and death are we: + All in all to one another-- + I to thee and thou to me! + +BOTH. Thou the tree and I the flower-- + Thou the idol; I the throng-- + Thou the day and I the hour-- + Thou the singer; I the song! + +STREPH. All in all since that fond meeting + When, in joy, I woke to find + Mine the heart within thee beating, + Mine the love that heart enshrined! + +BOTH. Thou the stream and I the willow-- + Thou the sculptor; I the clay-- + Thou the Ocean; I the billow-- + Thou the sunrise; I the day! + + (Exeunt Strephon and Phyllis +together.) + + (March. Enter Procession of Peers.) + + CHORUS. + + Loudly let the trumpet bray! + Tantantara! + Proudly bang the sounding brasses! + Tzing! Boom! + As upon its lordly way + This unique procession passes, + Tantantara! Tzing! Boom! + Bow, bow, ye lower middle classes! + Bow, bow, ye tradesmen, bow, ye masses! + Blow the trumpets, bang the brasses! + Tantantara! Tzing! Boom! + We are peers of highest station, + Paragons of legislation, + Pillars of the British nation! + Tantantara! Tzing! Boom! + +(Enter the Lord Chancellor, followed by his train-bearer.) + + SONG--LORD CHANCELLOR. + + The Law is the true embodiment + Of everything that's excellent. + It has no kind of fault or flaw, + And I, my Lords, embody the Law. + The constitutional guardian I + Of pretty young Wards in Chancery, + All very agreeable girls--and none + Are over the age of twenty-one. + A pleasant occupation for + A rather susceptible Chancellor! + +ALL. A pleasant, etc. + + But though the compliment implied + Inflates me with legitimate pride, + It nevertheless can't be denied + That it has its inconvenient side. + For I'm not so old, and not so plain, + And I'm quite prepared to marry again, + But there'd be the deuce to pay in the Lords + If I fell in love with one of my Wards! + Which rather tries my temper, for + I'm such a susceptible Chancellor! + +ALL. Which rather, etc. + + And every one who'd marry a Ward + Must come to me for my accord, + And in my court I sit all day, + Giving agreeable girls away, + With one for him--and one for he-- + And one for you--and one for ye-- + And one for thou--and one for thee-- + But never, oh, never a one for me! + Which is exasperating for + A highly susceptible Chancellor! + +ALL. Which is, etc. + + (Enter Lord Tolloller.) + + LORD TOLL. And now, my Lords, to the business of the day. + LORD CH. By all means. Phyllis, who is a Ward of Court, has +so powerfully affected your Lordships, that you have appealed to me +in a body to give her to whichever one of you she may think proper +to select, and a noble Lord has just gone to her cottage to request +her immediate attendance. It would be idle to deny that I, myself, +have the misfortune to be singularly attracted by this young +person. My regard for her is rapidly undermining my constitution. +Three months ago I was a stout man. I need say no more. If I +could reconcile it with my duty, I should unhesitatingly award her +to myself, for I can conscientiously say that I know no man who is +so well fitted to render her exceptionally happy. (Peers: Hear, +hear!) But such an award would be open to misconstruction, and +therefore, at whatever personal inconvenience, I waive my claim. + LORD TOLL. My Lord, I desire, on the part of this House, to +express its sincere sympathy with your Lordship's most painful +position. + LORD CH. I thank your Lordships. The feelings of a Lord +Chancellor who is in love with a Ward of Court are not to be +envied. What is his position? Can he give his own consent to his +own marriage with his own Ward? Can he marry his own Ward without +his own consent? And if he marries his own Ward without his own +consent, can he commit himself for contempt of his own Court? And +if he commit himself for contempt of his own Court, can he appear +by counsel before himself, to move for arrest of his own judgement? +Ah, my Lords, it is indeed painful to have to sit upon a woolsack +which is stuffed with such thorns as these! + + (Enter Lord Mountararat.) + + LORD MOUNT. My Lord, I have much pleasure in announcing that +I have succeeded in inducing the young person to present herself at +the Bar of this House. + + (Enter Phyllis.) + + RECITATIVE--PHYLLIS. + + My well-loved Lord and Guardian dear, + You summoned me, and I am here! + + CHORUS OF PEERS. + + Oh, rapture, how beautiful! + How gentle--how dutiful! + + SOLO--LORD TOLLOLLER. + + Of all the young ladies I know + This pretty young lady's the fairest; + Her lips have the rosiest show, + Her eyes are the richest and rarest. + Her origin's lowly, it's true, + But of birth and position I've plenty; + I've grammar and spelling for two, + And blood and behaviour for twenty! + Her origin's lowly, it's true, + I've grammar and spelling for two; + +CHORUS. Of birth and position he's plenty, + With blood and behaviour for twenty! + + SOLO--LORD MOUNTARARAT. + + Though the views of the House have diverged + On every conceivable motion, + All questions of Party are merged + In a frenzy of love and devotion; + If you ask us distinctly to say + What Party we claim to belong to, + We reply, without doubt or delay, + The Party I'm singing this song to! + + SOLO--PHYLLIS. + + I'm very much pained to refuse, + But I'll stick to my pipes and my tabors; + I can spell all the words that I use, + And my grammar's as good as my neighbours'. + As for birth--I was born like the rest, + My behaviour is rustic but hearty, + And I know where to turn for the best, + When I want a particular Party! + + PHYLLIS, LORD TOLL., and LORD MOUNT. + + Though her station is none of the best, + I suppose she was born like the rest; + And she knows where to look for her hearty, + When she wants a particular Party! + + RECITATIVE--PHYLLIS. + + Nay, tempt me not. + To rank I'll not be bound; + In lowly cot + Alone is virtue found! + +CHORUS. No, no; indeed high rank will never hurt you, + The Peerage is not destitute of virtue. + + BALLAD--LORD TOLLOLLER. + + Spurn not the nobly born + With love affected, + Nor treat with virtuous scorn + The well-connected. + High rank involves no shame-- + We boast an equal claim + With him of humble name + To be respected! + Blue blood! blue blood! + When virtuous love is sought + Thy power is naught, + Though dating from the Flood, + Blue blood! Ah, blue blood! + +CHORUS. When virtuous love is sought, etc. + + Spare us the bitter pain + Of stern denials, + Nor with low-born disdain + Augment our trials. + Hearts just as pure and fair + May beat in Belgrave Square + As in the lowly air + Of Seven Dials! + Blue blood! blue blood! + Of what avail art thou + To serve us now? + Though dating from the Flood, + Blue blood! Ah, blue blood! + +CHORUS. Of what avail art thou, etc. + + RECITATIVE--PHYLLIS. + + My Lords, it may not be. + With grief my heart is riven! + You waste your time on me, + For ah! my heart is given! + +ALL. Given! +PHYL. Yes, given! +ALL. Oh, horror!!! + + RECITATIVE--LORD CHANCELLOR. + + And who has dared to brave our high displeasure, + And thus defy our definite command? + +(Enter Strephon.) + +STREPH. 'Tis I--young Strephon! mine this priceless treasure! + Against the world I claim my darling's hand! + +(Phyllis rushes to his arms.) + + A shepherd I-- +ALL. A shepherd he! +STREPH. Of Arcady- +ALL. Of Arcadee! +STREPH. Betrothed are we! +ALL. Betrothed are they-- +STREPH. And mean to be- +ALL. Espoused to-day! + + ENSEMBLE. + + STREPH. THE OTHERS. + +A shepherd I A shepherd he +Of Arcady, Of Arcadee, +Betrothed are we, Betrothed is he, +And mean to be And means to be + Espoused to-day! Espoused to-day! + + DUET--LORD MOUNTARARAT and LORD TOLLOLLER + (aside to each other). + + 'Neath this blow, + Worse than stab of dagger-- + Though we mo- + Mentarily stagger, + In each heart + Proud are we innately-- + Let's depart, + Dignified and stately! + +ALL. Let's depart, + Dignified and stately! + + CHORUS OF PEERS. + + Though our hearts she's badly bruising, + In another suitor choosing, + Let's pretend it's most amusing. + Ha! ha! ha! Tan-ta-ra! + +(Exeunt all the Peers, marching round stage with much dignity. +Lord Chancellor separates Phyllis from Strephon and orders her off. +She follows Peers. Manent Lord Chancellor and Strephon.) + + LORD CH. Now, sir, what excuse have you to offer for having +disobeyed an order of the Court of Chancery? + STREPH. My Lord, I know no Courts of Chancery; I go by +Nature's Acts of Parliament. The bees--the breeze--the seas--the +rooks--the brooks--the gales--the vales--the fountains and the +mountains cry, "You love this maiden--take her, we command you!" +'Tis writ in heaven by the bright barbed dart that leaps forth into +lurid light from each grim thundercloud. The very rain pours forth +her sad and sodden sympathy! When chorused Nature bids me take my +love, shall I reply, "Nay, but a certain Chancellor forbids it"? +Sir, you are England's Lord High Chancellor, but are you Chancellor +of birds and trees, King of the winds and Prince of thunderclouds? + LORD CH. No. It's a nice point. I don't know that I ever +met it before. But my difficulty is that at present there's no +evidence before the Court that chorused Nature has interested +herself in the matter. + STREPH. No evidence! You have my word for it. I tell you +that she bade me take my love. + LORD CH. Ah! but, my good sir, you mustn't tell us what she +told you--it's not evidence. Now an affidavit from a thunderstorm, +or a few words on oath from a heavy shower, would meet with all the +attention they deserve. + STREPH. And have you the heart to apply the prosaic rules of +evidence to a case which bubbles over with poetical emotion? + LORD CH. Distinctly. I have always kept my duty strictly +before my eyes, and it is to that fact that I owe my advancement to +my present distinguished position. + + SONG--LORD CHANCELLOR. + + When I went to the Bar as a very young man, + (Said I to myself--said I), + I'll work on a new and original plan, + (Said I to myself--said I), + I'll never assume that a rogue or a thief + Is a gentleman worthy implicit belief, + Because his attorney has sent me a brief, + (Said I to myself--said I!). + + Ere I go into court I will read my brief through + (Said I to myself--said I), + And I'll never take work I'm unable to do + (Said I to myself-said I), + My learned profession I'll never disgrace + By taking a fee with a grin on my face, + When I haven't been there to attend to the case + (Said I to myself--said I!). + + I'll never throw dust in a juryman's eyes + (Said I to myself--said I), + Or hoodwink a judge who is not over-wise + (Said I to myself--said I), + Or assume that the witnesses summoned in force + In Exchequer, Queen's Bench, Common Pleas, or Divorce, + Have perjured themselves as a matter of course + (Said I to myself--said I!). + + In other professions in which men engage + (Said I to myself said I), + The Army, the Navy, the Church, and the Stage + (Said I to myself--said I), + Professional licence, if carried too far, + Your chance of promotion will certainly mar-- + And I fancy the rule might apply to the Bar + (Said I to myself--said I!). + + (Exit Lord +Chancellor.) + + (Enter Iolanthe) + + STREPH. Oh, Phyllis, Phyllis! To be taken from you just as +I was on the point of making you my own! Oh, it's too much--it's +too much! + IOL. (to Strephon, who is in tears). My son in tears--and on +his wedding day! + STREPH. My wedding day! Oh, mother, weep with me, for the +Law has interposed between us, and the Lord Chancellor has +separated us for ever! + IOL. The Lord Chancellor! (Aside.) Oh, if he did but know! + STREPH. (overhearing her). If he did but know what? + IOL. No matter! The Lord Chancellor has no power over you. +Remember you are half a fairy. You can defy him--down to the +waist. + STREPH. Yes, but from the waist downwards he can commit me to +prison for years! Of what avail is it that my body is free, if my +legs are working out seven years' penal servitude? + IOL. True. But take heart--our Queen has promised you her +special protection. I'll go to her and lay your peculiar case +before her. + STREPH. My beloved mother! how can I repay the debt I owe +you? + + FINALE--QUARTET. + +(As it commences, the Peers appear at the back, advancing unseen +and on tiptoe. Lord Mountararat and Lord Tolloller lead Phyllis +between them, who listens in horror to what she hears.) + +STREPH. (to Iolanthe). When darkly looms the day, + And all is dull and grey, + To chase the gloom away, + On thee I'll call! + +PHYL. (speaking aside to Lord Mountararat). What was that? + +LORD MOUNT. (aside to Phyllis). + I think I heard him say, + That on a rainy day, + To while the time away, + On her he'd call! + +CHORUS. We think we heard him say, etc. + +(Phyllis much agitated at her lover's supposed faithlessness.) + +IOL. (to Strephon). When tempests wreck thy bark, + And all is drear and dark, + If thou shouldst need an Ark, + I'll give thee one! + +PHYL. (speaking aside to Lord Tolloller). What was that? + +LORD TOLL. (aside to Phyllis). + I heard the minx remark, + She'd meet him after dark, + Inside St James's Park, + And give him one! + +CHORUS. We heard the minx remark, etc. + +PHYL. The prospect's very bad. + My heart so sore and sad + Will never more be glad + As summer's sun. + +PHYL., IOL., LORD TOLL., STREPH. + The prospect's not so bad, + My/Thy heart so sore and sad + May very soon be glad + As summer's sun; + +PHYL., IOL., LORD TOLL., STEPH., LORD MOUNT. + For when the sky is dark + And tempests wreck his/thy/my bark, + he should + If thou shouldst need an Ark, + I should + She'll him + I'll give thee one! + me + +PHYL. (revealing herself). Ah! + +(Iolanthe and Strephon much confused.) + +PHYL. Oh, shameless one, tremble! + Nay, do not endeavour + Thy fault to dissemble, + We part--and for ever! + I worshipped him blindly, + He worships another-- + +STREPH. Attend to me kindly, + This lady's my mother! + +TOLL. This lady's his what? +STREPH. This lady's my mother! +TENORS. This lady's his what? +BASSES. He says she's his mother! + +(They point derisively to Iolanthe, laughing heartily at her. She +goes for protection to Strephon.) + + (Enter Lord Chancellor. Iolanthe veils herself.) + +LORD CH. What means this mirth unseemly, + That shakes the listening earth? + +LORD TOLL. The joke is good extremely, + And justifies our mirth. + +LORD MOUNT. This gentleman is seen, + With a maid of seventeen, + A-taking of his dolce far niente; + And wonders he'd achieve, + For he asks us to believe + She's his mother--and he's nearly five-and-twenty! + +LORD CH. (sternly). Recollect yourself, I pray, + And be careful what you say-- + As the ancient Romans said, festina lente. + For I really do not see + How so young a girl could be + The mother of a man of five-and-twenty. + +ALL. Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! + +STREPH. My Lord, of evidence I have no dearth-- + She is--has been--my mother from my birth! + + BALLAD. + + In babyhood + Upon her lap I lay, + With infant food + She moistened my clay; + Had she withheld + The succour she supplied, + By hunger quelled, + Your Strephon might have died! + +LORD CH. (much moved). + Had that refreshment been denied, + Indeed our Strephon might have died! + +ALL (much affected). + Had that refreshment been denied, + Indeed our Strephon might have died! + +LORD MOUNT. But as she's not + His mother, it appears, + Why weep these hot + Unnecessary tears? + And by what laws + Should we so joyously + Rejoice, because + Our Strephon did not die? + Oh rather let us pipe our eye + Because our Strephon did not die! + +ALL. That's very true--let's pipe our eye + Because our Strephon did not die! + +(All weep. Iolanthe, who has succeeded in hiding her face from +Lord Chancellor, escapes unnoticed.) + +PHYL. Go, traitorous one--for ever we must part: + To one of you, my Lords, I give my heart! + +ALL. Oh, rapture! + +STREPH. Hear me, Phyllis, ere you leave me. + +PHYL. Not a word--you did deceive me. + +ALL. Not a word--you did deceive her. + (Exit +Strephon.) + + BALLAD--PHYLLIS. + + For riches and rank I do not long-- + Their pleasures are false and vain; + I gave up the love of a lordly throng + For the love of a simple swain. + But now that simple swain's untrue, + With sorrowful heart I turn to you-- + A heart that's aching, + Quaking, breaking, + As sorrowful hearts are wont to do! + + The riches and rank that you befall + Are the only baits you use, + So the richest and rankiest of you all + My sorrowful heart shall choose. + As none are so noble--none so rich + As this couple of lords, I'll find a niche + In my heart that's aching, + Quaking, breaking, + For one of you two-and I don't care which! + + ENSEMBLE. + +PHYL. (to Lord Mountararat and Lord Tolloller). + To you I give my heart so rich! +ALL (puzzled). To which? +PHYL. I do not care! + To you I yield--it is my doom! +ALL. To whom? +PHYL. I'm not aware! + I'm yours for life if you but choose. +ALL. She's whose? +PHYL. That's your affair! + I'll be a countess, shall I not? +ALL. Of what? +PHYL. I do not care! +ALL. Lucky little lady! + Strephon's lot is shady; + Rank, it seems, is vital, + "Countess" is the title, + But of what I'm not aware! + + (Enter Strephon.) + +STREPH. Can I inactive see my fortune fade? + No, no! + +PEERS. Ho, ho! + +STREPH. Mighty protectress, hasten to my aid! + +(Enter Fairies, tripping, headed by Celia, Leila, and Fleta, and +followed by Queen.) + +CHORUS Tripping hither, tripping thither. + OF Nobody knows why or whither; +FAIRIES Why you want us we don't know, + But you've summoned us, and so + Enter all the little fairies + To their usual tripping measure! + To oblige you all our care is-- + Tell us, pray, what is your pleasure! + +STREPH. The lady of my love has caught me talking to another-- +PEERS. Oh, fie! young Strephon is a rogue! +STREPH. I tell her very plainly that the lady is my mother-- +PEERS. Taradiddle, taradiddle, tol lol lay! +STREPH. She won't believe my statement, and declares we must be +parted, + Because on a career of double-dealing I have started, + Then gives her hand to one of these, and leaves me +broken-hearted-- +PEERS. Taradiddle, taradiddle, tol lol lay! +QUEEN. Ah, cruel ones, to separate two lovers from each other! +FAIRIES. Oh, fie! our Strephon's not a rogue! +QUEEN. You've done him an injustice, for the lady is his mother! +FAIRIES. Taradiddle, taradiddle, tol lol lay! +LORD CH. That fable perhaps may serve his turn as well as any +other. + (Aside.) I didn't see her face, but if they fondled one +another, + And she's but seventeen--I don't believe it was his +mother! + Taradiddle, taradiddle. +ALL. Tol lol lay! + +LORD TOLL. I have often had a use + For a thorough-bred excuse + Of a sudden (which is English for "repente"), + But of all I ever heard + This is much the most absurd, + For she's seventeen, and he is five-and-twenty! + +ALL. Though she is seventeen, and he is four or +five-and-twenty! + Oh, fie! our Strephon is a rogue! + +LORD MOUNT. Now, listen, pray to me, + For this paradox will be + Carried, nobody at all contradicente. + Her age, upon the date + Of his birth, was minus eight, + If she's seventeen, and he is five-and-twenty! + +PEERS and FAIRIES. If she is seventeen, and he is only +five-and-twenty. + +ALL. To say she is his mother is an utter bit of folly! + Oh, fie! our Strephon is a rogue! + Perhaps his brain is addled, and it's very melancholy! + Taradiddle, taradiddle, tol lol lay! + I wouldn't say a word that could be reckoned as +injurious, + But to find a mother younger than her son is very +curious, + And that's a kind of mother that is usually spurious. + Taradiddle, taradiddle, tol lol lay! + +LORD CH. Go away, madam; + I should say, madam, + You display, madam, + Shocking taste. + + It is rude, madam, + To intrude, madam, + With your brood, madam, + Brazen-faced! + + You come here, madam, + Interfere, madam, + With a peer, madam. + (I am one.) + + You're aware, madam, + What you dare, madam, + So take care, madam, + And begone! + + ENSEMBLE + +FAIRIES (to QUEEN). PEERS +Let us stay, madam; Go away, madam; +I should say, madam, I should say, madam, +They display, madam, You display, madam, + Shocking taste. Shocking taste. + +It is rude, madam, It is rude, madam, +To allude, madam, To intrude, madam, +To your brood, madam, With your brood, madam, + Brazen-faced! Brazen-faced! + +We don't fear, madam, You come here, madam, +Any peer, madam, Interfere, madam, +Though, my dear madam, With a peer, madam, + This is one. (I am one.) + +They will stare, madam, You're aware, madam, +When aware, madam, What you dare, madam, +What they dare, madam-- So take care, madam, + What they've done! And begone! + +QUEEN. Bearded by these puny mortals! + (furious). I will launch from fairy portals + All the most terrific thunders + In my armoury of wonders! + +PHYL. (aside). Should they launch terrific wonders, + All would then repent their blunders. + Surely these must be immortals. + (Exit +Phyllis.) + +QUEEN. Oh! Chancellor unwary + It's highly necessary + Your tongue to teach + Respectful speech-- + Your attitude to vary! + + Your badinage so airy, + Your manner arbitrary, + Are out of place + When face to face + With an influential Fairy. + +ALL THE PEERS We never knew + (aside). We were talking to + An influential Fairy! + +LORD CH. A plague on this vagary, + I'm in a nice quandary! + Of hasty tone + With dames unknown + I ought to be more chary; + It seems that she's a fairy + From Andersen's library, + And I took her for + The proprietor + Of a Ladies' Seminary! + +PEERS. We took her for + The proprietor + Of a Ladies' Seminary! + +QUEEN. When next your Houses do assemble, + You may tremble! + +CELIA. Our wrath, when gentlemen offend us, + Is tremendous! + +LEILA. They meet, who underrate our calling, + Doom appalling! + +QUEEN. Take down our sentence as we speak it, + And he shall wreak it! + (Indicating +Strephon.) +PEERS. Oh, spare us! + +QUEEN. Henceforth, Strephon, cast away + Crooks and pipes and ribbons so gay-- + Flocks and herds that bleat and low; + Into Parliament you shall go! + +ALL. Into Parliament he shall go! + Backed by our supreme authority, + He'll command a large majority! + Into Parliament he shall go! + +QUEEN. In the Parliamentary hive, + Liberal or Conservative-- + Whig or Tory--I don't know-- + But into Parliament you shall go! + +ALL. Into Parliament, etc. + + QUEEN (speaking through music). + + Every bill and every measure + That may gratify his pleasure, + Though your fury it arouses, + Shall be passed by both your Houses! + +PEERS. Oh! +QUEEN. You shall sit, if he sees reason, + Through the grouse and salmon season; +PEERS. No! +QUEEN. He shall end the cherished rights + You enjoy on Friday nights: +PEERS. No! +QUEEN. He shall prick that annual blister, + Marriage with deceased wife's sister: +PEERS. Mercy! +QUEEN. Titles shall ennoble, then, + All the Common Councilmen: +PEERS. Spare us! +QUEEN. Peers shall teem in Christendom, + And a Duke's exalted station + Be attainable by Com- + Petitive Examination! + + PEERS. FAIRIES and PHYLLIS. + +Oh, horror! Their horror + They can't dissemble + Nor hide the fear that makes them + tremble! + + ENSEMBLE. + + PEERS FAIRIES, PHYLLIS, and STREPHON. + +Young Strephon is the kind of lout With Strephon for your foe, no +doubt, +We do not care a fig about! A fearful prospect opens out, + We cannot say And who shall say + What evils may What evils may + Result in consequence. Result in consequence? + +But lordly vengeance will pursue A hideous vengeance will pursue +All kinds of common people who All noblemen who venture to + Oppose our views, Opppose his views, + Or boldly choose Or boldly choose + To offer us offence. To offer him offence. + +He'd better fly at humbler game, 'Twill plunge them into grief +and shame; +Or our forbearance he must claim, His kind forbearance they must +claim, + If he'd escape If they'd escape + In any shape In any shape + A very painful wrench! A very painful wrench. + +Your powers we dauntlessly pooh-pooh: Although our threats you +now pooh-pooh, +A dire revenge will fall on you. A dire revenge will fall on you, + If you besiege Should he besiege + Our high prestige-- Your high prestige-- +(The word "prestige" is French). The word "prestige" is French). + +PEERS. Our lordly style + You shall not quench + With base canaille! +FAIRIES. (That word is French.) +PEERS. Distinction ebbs + Before a herd + Of vulgar plebs! +FAIRIES. (A Latin word.) +PEERS. 'Twould fill with joy, + And madness stark + The hoi polloi! + +FAIRIES. (A Greek remark.) + +PEERS. One Latin word, one Greek remark, + And one that's French. + +FAIRIES. Your lordly style + We'll quickly quench + With base canaille! +PEERS. (That word is French.) +FAIRIES. Distinction ebbs + Before a herd + Of vulgar plebs! +PEERS. (A Latin word.) +FAIRIES. 'Twill fill with joy + And madness stark + The hoi polloi! +PEERS. (A Greek remark.) + +FAIRIES. One Latin word, one Greek remark, + And one that's French. + + PEERS. FAIRIES. +You needn't wait: We will not wait: + Away you fly! We go sky-high! +Your threatened hate Our threatened hate + We won't defy! You won't defy! + +(Fairies threaten Peers with their wands. Peers kneel as begging +for merry. Phyllis implores Strephon to relent. He casts her from +him, and she falls fainting into the arms of Lord Mountararat and +Lord Tolloller.) + + END OF ACT I + + + ACT II + + +Scene.--Palace Yard, Westminster. Westminster Hall, L. Clock +tower up, R.C. Private Willis discovered on sentry, R. Moonlight. + + SONG--PRIVATE WILLIS. + +When all night long a chap remains + On sentry-go, to chase monotony +He exercises of his brains, + That is, assuming that he's got any. +Though never nurtured in the lap + Of luxury, yet I admonish you, +I am an intellectual chap, + And think of things that would astonish you. + I often think it's comical--Fal, lal, la! + How Nature always does contrive--Fal, lal, la! + That every boy and every gal + That's born into the world alive + Is either a little Liberal + Or else a little Conservative! + Fal, lal, la! + +When in that House M.P.'s divide, + If they've a brain and cerebellum, too, +They've got to leave that brain outside, + And vote just as their leaders tell 'em to. +But then the prospect of a lot + Of dull M. P.'s in close proximity, +All thinking for themselves, is what + No man can face with equanimity. + Then let's rejoice with loud Fal la--Fal la la! + That Nature always does contrive--Fal lal la! + That every boy and every gal + That's born into the world alive + Is either a little Liberal + Or else a little Conservative! + Fal lal la! + +(Enter Fairies, with Celia, Leila, and Fleta. They trip round +stage.) + + CHORUS OF FAIRIES. + + Strephon's a Member of Parliament! + Carries every Bill he chooses. + To his measures all assent-- + Showing that fairies have their uses. + Whigs and Tories + Dim their glories, + Giving an ear to all his stories-- + Lords and Commons are both in the blues! + Strephon makes them shake in their shoes! + Shake in their shoes! + Shake in their shoes! + Strephon makes them shake in their shoes! + +(Enter Peers from Westminster Hall.) + + CHORUS OF PEERS. + + Strephon's a Member of Parliament! + Running a-muck of all abuses. + His unqualified assent + Somehow nobody now refuses. + Whigs and Tories + Dim their glories, + Giving an ear to all his stories + Carrying every Bill he may wish: + Here's a pretty kettle of fish! + Kettle of fish! + Kettle of fish! + Here's a pretty kettle of fish! + +(Enter Lord Mountararat and Lord Tolloller from Westminster Hall.) + + CELIA. You seem annoyed. + LORD MOUNT. Annoyed! I should think so! Why, this +ridiculous protege of yours is playing the deuce with everything! +To-night is the second reading of his Bill to throw the Peerage +open to Competitive Examination! + LORD TOLL. And he'll carry it, too! + LORD MOUNT. Carry it? Of course he will! He's a +Parliamentary Pickford--he carries everything! + LEILA. Yes. If you please, that's our fault! + LORD MOUNT. The deuce it is! + CELIA. Yes; we influence the members, and compel them to vote +just as he wishes them to. + LEILA. It's our system. It shortens the debates. + LORD TOLL. Well, but think what it all means. I don't so +much mind for myself, but with a House of Peers with no +grandfathers worth mentioning, the country must go to the dogs! + LEILA. I suppose it must! + LORD MOUNT. I don't want to say a word against brains--I've +a great respect for brains--I often wish I had some myself--but +with a House of Peers composed exclusively of people of intellect, +what's to become of the House of Commons? + LEILA. I never thought of that! + LORD MOUNT. This comes of women interfering in politics. It +so happens that if there is an institution in Great Britain which +is not susceptible of any improvement at all, it is the House of +Peers! + + SONG--LORD MOUNTARARAT. + + When Britain really ruled the waves-- + (In good Queen Bess's time) + The House of Peers made no pretence + To intellectual eminence, + Or scholarship sublime; + Yet Britain won her proudest bays + In good Queen Bess's glorious days! + +CHORUS. Yes, Britain won, etc. + + When Wellington thrashed Bonaparte, + As every child can tell, + The House of Peers, throughout the war, + Did nothing in particular, + And did it very well: + Yet Britain set the world ablaze + In good King George's glorious days! + +CHORUS. Yes, Britain set, etc. + + And while the House of Peers withholds + Its legislative hand, + And noble statesmen do not itch + To interfere with matters which + They do not understand, + As bright will shine Great Britain's rays + As in King George's glorious days! + +CHORUS. As bright will shine, etc. + + LEILA. (who has been much attracted by the Peers during this +song). Charming persons, are they not? + CELIA. Distinctly. For self-contained dignity, combined with +airy condescension, give me a British Representative Peer! + LORD TOLL. Then pray stop this protege of yours before it's +too late. Think of the mischief you're doing! + LEILA (crying). But we can't stop him now. (Aside to Celia.) +Aren't they lovely! (Aloud.) Oh, why did you go and defy us, you +great geese! + + DUET--LEILA and CELIA. + +LEILA. In vain to us you plead-- + Don't go! + Your prayers we do not heed-- + Don't go! + It's true we sigh, + But don't suppose + A tearful eye + Forgiveness shows. + Oh, no! + We're very cross indeed-- + Yes, very cross, + Don't go! + +FAIRIES. It's true we sigh, etc. + +CELIA. Your disrespectful sneers-- + Don't go! + Call forth indignant tears-- + Don't go! + You break our laws-- + You are our foe: + We cry because + We hate you so! + You know! + You very wicked Peers! + You wicked Peers! + Don't go! + + FAIRIES. LORDS MOUNT. and TOLL. + +You break our laws-- Our disrespectful sneers, + You are our foe: Ha, ha! +We cry because Call forth indignant tears, + We hate you so! Ha, ha! + You know! If that's the case, my dears-- +You very wicked Peers! FAIRIES. Don't go! + Don't go! PEERS. We'll go! + +(Exeunt Lord Mountararat, Lord Tolloller, and Peers. Fairies gaze +wistfully after them.) + + (Enter Fairy Queen.) + + QUEEN. Oh, shame--shame upon you! Is this your fidelity to +the laws you are bound to obey? Know ye not that it is death to +marry a mortal? + LEILA. Yes, but it's not death to wish to marry a mortal! + FLETA. If it were, you'd have to execute us all! + QUEEN. Oh, this is weakness! Subdue it! + CELIA. We know it's weakness, but the weakness is so strong! + LEILA. We are not all as tough as you are! + QUEEN. Tough! Do you suppose that I am insensible to the +effect of manly beauty? Look at that man! (Referring to Sentry.) +A perfect picture! (To Sentry.) Who are you, sir? + WILLIS (coming to "attention"). Private Willis, B Company, +1st Grenadier Guards. + QUEEN. You're a very fine fellow, sir. + WILLIS. I am generally admired. + QUEEN. I can quite understand it. (To Fairies.) Now here is +a man whose physical attributes are simply godlike. That man has +a most extraordinary effect upon me. If I yielded to a natural +impulse, I should fall down and worship that man. But I mortify +this inclination; I wrestle with it, and it lies beneath my feet! +That is how I treat my regard for that man! + + SONG--FAIRY QUEEN. + + Oh, foolish fay, + Think you, because + His brave array + My bosom thaws, + I'd disobey + Our fairy laws? + Because I fly + In realms above, + In tendency + To fall in love, + Resemble I + The amorous dove? +(Aside.) Oh, amorous dove! + Type of Ovidius Naso! + This heart of mine + Is soft as thine, + Although I dare not say so! + +CHORUS. Oh, amorous dove, etc. + + On fire that glows + With heat intense + I turn the hose + Of common sense, + And out it goes + At small expense! + We must maintain + Our fairy law; + That is the main + On which to draw-- + In that we gain + A Captain Shaw! +(Aside.) Oh, Captain Shaw! + Type of true love kept under! + Could thy Brigade + With cold cascade + Quench my great love, I wonder! + +CHORUS. Oh, Captain Shaw! etc. + + (Exeunt Fairies and Fairy Queen, sorrowfully.) + + (Enter Phyllis.) + + PHYL. (half crying). I can't think why I'm not in better +spirits. I'm engaged to two noblemen at once. That ought to be +enough to make any girl happy. But I'm miserable! Don't suppose +it's because I care for Strephon, for I hate him! No girl could +care for a man who goes about with a mother considerably younger +than himself! + + (Enter Lord Mountararat and Lord Tolloller.) + + LORD MOUNT. Phyllis! My darling! + LORD TOLL. Phyllis! My own! + PHYL. Don't! How dare you? Oh, but perhaps you're the two +noblemen I'm engaged to? + LORD MOUNT. I am one of them. + LORD TOLL. I am the other. + PHYL. Oh, then, my darling! (to Lord Mountararat). My own! +(to Lord Tolloller). Well, have you settled which it's to be? + LORD TOLL. Not altogether. It's a difficult position. It +would be hardly delicate to toss up. On the whole we would rather +leave it to you. + PHYL. How can it possibly concern me? You are both EarIs, +and you are both rich, and you are both plain. + LORD MOUNT. So we are. At least I am. + LORD TOLL. So am I. + LORD MOUNT. No, no! + LORD TOLL. I am indeed. Very plain. + LORD MOUNT. Well, well--perhaps you are. + PHYL. There's really nothing to choose between you. If one +of you would forgo his title, and distribute his estates among his +Irish tenantry, why, then, I should then see a reason for accepting +the other. + LORD MOUNT. Tolloller, are you prepared to make this +sacrifice? + LORD TOLL. No! + LORD MOUNT. Not even to oblige a lady? + LORD TOLL. No! not even to oblige a lady. + LORD MOUNT. Then, the only question is, which of us shall +give way to the other? Perhaps, on the whole, she would be happier +with me. I don't know. I may be wrong. + LORD TOLL. No. I don't know that you are. I really believe +she would. But the awkward part of the thing is that if you rob me +of the girl of my heart, we must fight, and one of us must die. +It's a family tradition that I have sworn to respect. It's a +painful position, for I have a very strong regard for you, George. + LORD MOUNT. (much affected). My dear Thomas! + LORD TOLL. You are very dear to me, George. We were boys +together--at least I was. If I were to survive you, my existence +would be hopelessly embittered. + LORD MOUNT. Then, my dear Thomas, you must not do it. I say +it again and again--if it will have this effect upon you, you must +not do it. No, no. If one of us is to destroy the other, let it +be me! + LORD TOLL. No, no! + LORD MOUNT. Ah, yes!--by our boyish friendship I implore you! + LORD TOLL. (much moved). Well, well, be it so. But, +no--no!--I cannot consent to an act which would crush you with +unavaillng remorse. + LORD MOUNT. But it would not do so. I should be very sad at +first--oh, who would not be?--but it would wear off. I like you +very much--but not, perhaps, as much as you like me. + LORD TOLL. George, you're a noble fellow, but that tell-tale +tear betrays you. No, George; you are very fond of me, and I +cannot consent to give you a week's uneasiness on my account. + LORD MOUNT. But, dear Thomas, it would not last a week! +Remember, you lead the House of Lords! On your demise I shall take +your place! Oh, Thomas, it would not last a day! + PHYL. (coming down). Now, I do hope you're not going to fight +about me, because it's really not worth while. + LORD TOLL. (looking at her). Well, I don't believe it is! + LORD MOUNT. Nor I. The sacred ties of Friendship are +paramount. + + QUARTET--LORD MOUNTARARAT, + LORD TOLLOLLER, PHYLLIS, and PRIVATE WILLIS. + +LORD TOLL. Though p'r'aps I may incur your blame, + The things are few + I would not do + In Friendship's name! + +LORD MOUNT. And I may say I think the same; + Not even love + Should rank above + True Friendship's name! + +PHYL. Then free me, pray; be mine the blame; + Forget your craze + And go your ways + In Friendship's name! + +ALL. Oh, many a man, in Friendship's name, + Has yielded fortune, rank, and fame! + But no one yet, in the world so wide, + Has yielded up a promised bride! + +WILLIS. Accept, O Friendship, all the same, + +ALL. This sacrifice to thy dear name! + +(Exeunt Lord Mountararat and Lord Tolloller, lovingly, in one +direction, and Phyllis in another. Exit Sentry.) + + (Enter Lord Chancellor, very miserable.) + + RECITATIVE--LORD CHANCELLOR. + + Love, unrequited, robs me of my rest: + Love, hopeless love, my ardent soul encumbers: + Love, nightmare-like, lies heavy on my chest, + And weaves itself into my midnight slumbers! + + SONG--LORD CHANCELLOR. + +When you're lying awake with a dismal headache, and repose is +taboo'd by anxiety, +I conceive you may use any language you choose to indulge in, +without impropriety; +For your brain is on fire--the bedclothes conspire of usual +slumber to plunder you: +First your counterpane goes, and uncovers your toes, and your +sheet slips demurely from under you; +Then the blanketing tickles--you feel like mixed pickles--so +terribly sharp is the pricking, +And you're hot, and you're cross, and you tumble and toss till +there's nothing 'twixt you and the ticking. +Then the bedclothes all creep to the ground in a heap, and you +pick 'em all up in a tangle; +Next your pillow resigns and politely declines to remain at its +usual angle! +Well, you get some repose in the form of a doze, with hot +eye-balls and head ever aching. +But your slumbering teems with such horrible dreams that you'd +very much better be waking; +For you dream you are crossing the Channel, and tossing about in +a steamer from Harwich-- +Which is something between a large bathing machine and a very +small second-class carriage-- +And you're giving a treat (penny ice and cold meat) to a party of +friends and relations-- +They're a ravenous horde--and they all came on board at Sloane +Square and South Kensington Stations. +And bound on that journey you find your attorney (who started that +morning from Devon); +He's a bit undersized, and you don't feel surprised when he tells +you he's only eleven. +Well, you're driving like mad with this singular lad (by the by, +the ship's now a four-wheeler), +And you're playing round games, and he calls you bad names when +you tell him that "ties pay the dealer"; +But this you can't stand, so you throw up your hand, and you find +you're as cold as an icicle, +In your shirt and your socks (the black silk with gold clocks), +crossing Salisbury Plain on a bicycle: +And he and the crew are on bicycles too--which they've somehow or +other invested in-- +And he's telling the tars all the particulars of a company he's +interested in-- +It's a scheme of devices, to get at low prices all goods from +cough mixtures to cables +(Which tickled the sailors), by treating retailers as though they +were all vegetables-- +You get a good spadesman to plant a small tradesman (first take +off his boots with a boot-tree), +And his legs will take root, and his fingers will shoot, and +they'll blossom and bud like a fruit-tree-- +From the greengrocer tree you get grapes and green pea, +cauliflower, pineapple, and cranberries, +While the pastrycook plant cherry brandy will grant, apple puffs, +and three corners, and Banburys-- +The shares are a penny, and ever so many are taken by Rothschild +and Baring, +And just as a few are allotted to you, you awake with a shudder +despairing-- +You're a regular wreck, with a crick in your neck, and no wonder +you snore, for your head's on the floor, and you've needles and +pins from your soles to your shins, and your flesh is a-creep, for +your left leg's asleep, and you've cramp in your toes, and a fly on +your nose, and some fluff in your lung, and a feverish tongue, and +a thirst that's intense, and a general sense that you haven't been +sleeping in clover; +But the darkness has passed, and it's daylight at last, and the +night has been long--ditto ditto my song--and thank goodness +they're both of them over! + + (Lord Chancellor falls exhausted on +a seat.) + + (Enter Lords Mountararat and Tolloller.) + + LORD MOUNT. I am much distressed to see your Lordship in this +condition. + LORD CH. Ah, my Lords, it is seldom that a Lord Chancellor +has reason to envy the position of another, but I am free to +confess that I would rather be two Earls engaged to Phyllis than +any other half-dozen noblemen upon the face of the globe. + LORD TOLL. (without enthusiasm). Yes. It's an enviable +position when you're the only one. + LORD MOUNT. Oh yes, no doubt--most enviable. At the same +time, seeing you thus, we naturally say to ourselves, "This is very +sad. His Lordship is constitutionally as blithe as a bird--he +trills upon the bench like a thing of song and gladness. His +series of judgements in F sharp minor, given andante in six-eight +time, are among the most remarkable effects ever produced in a +Court of Chancery. He is, perhaps, the only living instance of a +judge whose decrees have received the honour of a double encore. +How can we bring ourselves to do that which will deprive the Court +of Chancery of one of its most attractive features?" + LORD CH. I feel the force of your remarks, but I am here in +two capacities, and they clash, my Lords, they clash! I deeply +grieve to say that in declining to entertain my last application to +myself, I presumed to address myself in terms which render it +impossible for me ever to apply to myself again. It was a most +painful scene, my Lords--most painful! + LORD TOLL. This is what it is to have two capacities! Let us +be thankful that we are persons of no capacity whatever. + LORD MOUNT. Come, come. Remember you are a very just and +kindly old gentleman, and you need have no hesitation in +approaching yourself, so that you do so respectfully and with a +proper show of deference. + LORD CH. Do you really think so? + LORD MOUNT. I do. + LORD CH. Well, I will nerve myself to another effort, and, +if that fails, I resign myself to my fate! + + TRIO--LORD CHANCELLOR, LORDS MOUNTARARAT and TOLLOLLER. + +LORD MOUNT. If you go in + You're sure to win-- + Yours will be the charming maidie: + Be your law + The ancient saw, + "Faint heart never won fair lady!" + +ALL. Never, never, never, + Faint heart never won fair lady! + Every journey has an end-- + When at the worst affairs will mend-- + Dark the dawn when day is nigh-- + Hustle your horse and don't say die! + +LORD TOLL. He who shies + At such a prize + Is not worth a maravedi, + Be so kind + To bear in mind-- + Faint heart never won fair lady! + +ALL. Never, never, never, + Faint heart never won fair lady! + While the sun shines make your hay-- + Where a will is, there's a way-- + Beard the lion in his lair-- + None but the brave deserve the fair! + +LORD CH. I'll take heart + And make a start-- + Though I fear the prospect's shady-- + Much I'd spend + To gain my end-- + Faint heart never won fair lady! + +ALL. Never, never, never, + Faint heart never won fair lady! + Nothing venture, nothing win-- + Blood is thick, but water's thin-- + In for a penny, in for a pound-- + It's Love that makes the world go round! + + (Dance, and exeunt arm-in-arm +together.) + + (Enter Strephon, in very low spirits.) + +[The following song was deleted from production] + + Fold your flapping wings, + Soaring legislature. + Stoop to little things, + Stoop to human nature. + Never need to roam + members patriotic. + Let's begin at home, + Crime is no exotic. + Bitter is your bane + Terrible your trials + Dingy Drury Lane + Soapless Seven Dials. + Take a tipsy lout + Gathered from the gutter, + Hustle him about, + Strap him to a shutter. + What am I but he, + Washed at hours stated. + Fed on filagree, + Clothed and educated + He's a mark of scorn + I might be another + If I had been born + Of a tipsy mother. + Take a wretched thief, + Through the city sneaking. + Pocket handkerchief + Ever, ever seeking. + What is he but I + Robbed of all my chances + Picking pockets by + force of circumstances + I might be as bad, + As unlucky, rather, + If I'd only had, + Fagin for a father. + + STREPH. I suppose one ought to enjoy oneself in Parliament, +when one leads both Parties, as I do! But I'm miserable, poor, +broken-hearted fool that I am! Oh Phyllis, Phyllis!-- + + (Enter Phyllis.) + PHYL. Yes. + STREPH. (surprised). Phyllis! But I suppose I should say "My +Lady." I have not yet been informed which title your ladyship has +pleased to select? + PHYL. I--I haven't quite decided. You see, I have no mother +to advise me! + STREPH. No. I have. + PHYL. Yes; a young mother. + STREPH. Not very--a couple of centuries or so. + PHYL. Oh! She wears well. + STREPH. She does. She's a fairy. + PHYL. I beg your pardon--a what? + STREPH. Oh, I've no longer any reason to conceal the +fact--she's a fairy. + PHYL. A fairy! Well, but--that would account for a good many +things! Then--I suppose you're a fairy? + STREPH. I'm half a fairy. + PHYL. Which half? + STREPH. The upper half--down to the waistcoat. + PHYL. Dear me! (Prodding him with her fingers.) There is +nothing to show it! + STREPH. Don't do that. + PHYL. But why didn't you tell me this before? + STREPH. I thought you would take a dislike to me. But as +it's all off, you may as well know the truth--I'm only half a +mortal! + PHYL. (crying). But I'd rather have half a mortal I do love, +than half a dozen I don't! + STREPH. Oh, I think not--go to your half-dozen. + PHYL. (crying). It's only two! and I hate 'em! Please +forgive me! + STREPH. I don't think I ought to. Besides, all sorts of +difficulties will arise. You know, my grandmother looks quite as +young as my mother. So do all my aunts. + PHYL. I quite understand. Whenever I see you kissing a very +young lady, I shall know it's an elderly relative. + STREPH. You will? Then, Phyllis, I think we shall be very +happy! (Embracing her.) + PHYL. We won't wait long. + STREPH. No. We might change our minds. We'll get married +first. + PHYL. And change our minds afterwards? + STREPH. That's the usual course. + + DUET--STREPHON and PHYLLIS. + +STREPH. If we're weak enough to tarry + Ere we marry, + You and I, + Of the feeling I inspire + You may tire + By and by. + For peers with flowing coffers + Press their offers-- + That is why + I am sure we should not tarry + Ere we marry, + You and I! + +PHYL. If we're weak enough to tarry + Ere we marry, + You and I, + With a more attractive maiden, + Jewel-laden, + You may fly. + If by chance we should be parted, + Broken-hearted + I should die-- + So I think we will not tarry + Ere we marry, + You and I. + + PHYL. But does your mother know you're--I mean, is she aware +of our engagement? + + (Enter Iolanthe.) + + IOL. She is; and thus she welcomes her daughter-in-law! +(Kisses her.) + PHYL. She kisses just like other people! But the Lord +Chancellor? + STREPH. I forgot him! Mother, none can resist your fairy +eloquence; you will go to him and plead for us? + IOL. (much agitated). No, no; impossible! + STREPH. But our happiness--our very lives--depend upon our +obtaining his consent! + PHYL. Oh, madam, you cannot refuse to do this! + IOL. You know not what you ask! The Lord Chancellor is--my +husband! +STREPH. and PHYL. Your husband! + IOL. My husband and your father! (Addressing Strephon, who +is much moved.) + PHYLL. Then our course is plain; on his learning that +Strephon is his son, all objection to our marriage will be at once +removed! + IOL. No; he must never know! He believes me to have died +childless, and, dearly as I love him, I am bound, under penalty of +death, not to undeceive him. But see--he comes! Quick--my veil! + +(Iolanthe veils herself. Strephon and Phyllis go off on tiptoe.) + + (Enter Lord Chancellor.) + + LORD CH. Victory! Victory! Success has crowned my efforts, +and I may consider myself engaged to Phyllis! At first I wouldn't +hear of it--it was out of the question. But I took heart. I +pointed out to myself that I was no stranger to myself; that, in +point of fact, I had been personally acquainted with myself for +some years. This had its effect. I admitted that I had watched my +professional advancement with considerable interest, and I +handsomely added that I yielded to no one in admiration for my +private and professional virtues. This was a great point gained. +I then endeavoured to work upon my feelings. Conceive my joy when +I distinctly perceived a tear glistening in my own eye! +Eventually, after a severe struggle with myself, I +reluctantly--most reluctantly--consented. + + (Iolanthe comes down +veiled.) + + RECITATIVE--IOLANTHE (kneeling). + + My lord, a suppliant at your feet I kneel, + Oh, listen to a mother's fond appeal! + Hear me to-night! I come in urgent need-- + 'Tis for my son, young Strephon, that I plead! + + BALLAD--IOLANTHE. + + He loves! If in the bygone years + Thine eyes have ever shed + Tears--bitter, unavailing tears, + For one untimely dead-- + If, in the eventide of life, + Sad thoughts of her arise, + Then let the memory of thy wife + Plead for my boy--he dies! + + He dies! If fondly laid aside + In some old cabinet, + Memorials of thy long-dead bride + Lie, dearly treasured yet, + Then let her hallowed bridal dress-- + Her little dainty gloves-- + Her withered flowers--her faded tress-- + Plead for my boy--he loves! + +(The Lord Chancellor is moved by this appeal. After a pause.) + +LORD CH. It may not be--for so the fates decide! + Learn thou that Phyllis is my promised bride. +IOL. (in horror). Thy bride! No! no! +LORD CH. It shall be so! + Those who would separate us woe betide! + +IOL. My doom thy lips have spoken-- + I plead in vain! + +CHORUS OF FAIRIES (without). Forbear! forbear! + +IOL. A vow already broken + I break again! + +CHORUS OF FAIRIES (without). Forbear! forbear! + +IOL. For him--for her--for thee + I yield my life. + Behold--it may not be! + I am thy wife. + +CHORUS OF FAIRIES (without). Aiaiah! Aiaiah! Willaloo! + +LORD CH. (recognizing her). Iolanthe! thou livest? + +IOL. Aye! + I live! Now let me die! + +(Enter Fairy Queen and Fairies. Iolanthe kneels to her.) + +QUEEN. Once again thy vows are broken: + Thou thyself thy doom hast spoken! + +CHORUS OF FAIRIES. Aiaiah! Aiaiah! + Willahalah! Willaloo! + Willahalah! Willaloo! + +QUEEN. Bow thy head to Destiny: + Death thy doom, and thou shalt die! + +CHORUS OF FAIRIES. Aiaiah! Aiaiah! etc. + +(Peers and Sentry enter. The Queen raises her spear.) + + LEILA. Hold! If Iolanthe must die, so must we all; for, as +she has sinned, so have we! + QUEEN. What? + CELIA. We are all fairy duchesses, marchionesses, countesses, +viscountesses, and baronesses. + LORD MOUNT. It's our fault. They couldn't help themselves. + QUEEN. It seems they have helped themselves, and pretty +freely, too! (After a pause.) You have all incurred death; but I +can't slaughter the whole company! And yet (unfolding a scroll) +the law is clear--every fairy must die who marries a mortal! + LORD CH. Allow me, as an old Equity draftsman, to make a +suggestion. The subtleties of the legal mind are equal to the +emergency. The thing is really quite simple--the insertion of a +single word will do it. Let it stand that every fairy shall die +who doesn't marry a mortal, and there you are, out of your +difficulty at once! + QUEEN. We like your humour. Very well! (Altering the MS. in +pencil.) Private Willis! + SENTRY (coming forward). Ma'am! + QUEEN. To save my life, it is necessary that I marry at once. +How should you like to be a fairy guardsman? + SENTRY. Well, ma'am, I don't think much of the British +soldier who wouldn't ill-convenience himself to save a female in +distress. + QUEEN. You are a brave fellow. You're a fairy from this +moment. (Wings spring from Sentry's shoulders.) And you, my +Lords, how say you, will you join our ranks? + + (Fairies kneel to Peers and implore them to +do so.) + + (Phyllis and Strephon enter.) + + LORD MOUNT. (to Lord Tolloller). Well, now that the Peers are +to be recruited entirely from persons of intelligence, I really +don't see what use we are, down here, do you, Tolloller? + LORD TOLL. None whatever. + QUEEN. Good! (Wings spring from shoulders of Peers.) Then +away we go to Fairyland. + + FINALE. + +PHYL. Soon as we may, + Off and away! + We'll commence our journey airy-- + Happy are we-- + As you can see, + Every one is now a fairy! + +ALL. Every, every, every, + Every one is now a fairy! + +IOL., QUEEN, Though as a general rule we know +and PHYL. Two strings go to every bow, + Make up your minds that grief 'twill bring + If you've two beaux to every string. + +ALL. Though as a general rule, etc. + +LORDCH. Up in the sky, + Ever so high, + Pleasures come in endless series; + We will arrange + Happy exchange-- + House of Peers for House of Peris! + +ALL. Peris, Peris, Peris, + House of Peers for House of Peris! + +LORDS CH., Up in the air, sky-high, sky-high, +MOUNT., Free from Wards in Chancery, +and TOLL. I/He will be surely happier, for + I'm/He's such a susceptible Chancellor. + +ALL. Up in the air, etc. + + CURTAIN + + + THE MIKADO + + OR + + THE TOWN OF TITIPU + + By William S. Gilbert + Music by Sir Arthur Sullivan + + + + DRAMATIS PERSONAE. + + +THE MIKADO OF JAPAN. +NANKI-POO (his Son, disguised as a wandering minstrel, and in + love with Yum-Yum). +KO-KO (Lord High Executioner of Titipu). +POOH-BAH (Lord High Everything Else). +PISH-TISH (a Noble Lord). +Three Sisters--Wards of Ko-Ko: + YUM-YUM + PITTI-SING + PEEP-BO +KATISHA (an elderly Lady, in love with Nanki-Poo). + Chorus of School-girls, Nobles, Guards, and Coolies. + + + + ACT I.--Courtyard of Ko-Ko's Official Residence. + ACT II.-- Ko-Ko's Garden + + First produced at the Savoy Theatre on March 14, 1885. + + + ACT I. + +SCENE.--Courtyard of Ko-Ko's Palace in Titipu. Japanese nobles + discovered standing and sitting in attitudes suggested by + native drawings. + + CHORUS OF NOBLES. + + If you want to know who we are, + We are gentlemen of Japan: + On many a vase and jar-- + On many a screen and fan, + We figure in lively paint: + Our attitude's queer and quaint-- + You're wrong if you think it ain't, oh! + + If you think we are worked by strings, + Like a Japanese marionette, + You don't understand these things: + It is simply Court etiquette. + Perhaps you suppose this throng + Can't keep it up all day long? + If that's your idea, you're wrong, oh! + +Enter Nanki-Poo in great excitement. He carries a native guitar + on his back and a bundle of ballads in his hand. + + RECIT.--NANKI-POO. + + Gentlemen, I pray you tell me + Where a gentle maiden dwelleth, + Named Yum-Yum, the ward of Ko-Ko? + In pity speak, oh speak I pray you! + +A NOBLE. Why, who are you who ask this question? +NANK. Come gather round me, and I'll tell you. + + SONG and CHORUS--NANKI-POO. + + A wandering minstrel I-- + A thing of shreds and patches, + Of ballads, songs and snatches, + And dreamy lullaby! + + My catalogue is long, + Through every passion ranging, + And to your humours changing + I tune my supple song! + + Are you in sentimental mood? + I'll sigh with you, + Oh, sorrow, sorrow! + On maiden's coldness do you brood? + I'll do so, too-- + Oh, sorrow, sorrow! + I'll charm your willing ears + With songs of lovers' fears, + While sympathetic tears + My cheeks bedew-- + Oh, sorrow, sorrow! + + But if patriotic sentiment is wanted, + I've patriotic ballads cut and dried; + For where'er our country's banner may be planted, + All other local banners are defied! + Our warriors, in serried ranks assembled, + Never quail--or they conceal it if they do-- + And I shouldn't be surprised if nations trembled + Before the mighty troops of Titipu! + +CHORUS. We shouldn't be surprised, etc. + +NANK. And if you call for a song of the sea, + We'll heave the capstan round, + With a yeo heave ho, for the wind is free, + Her anchor's a-trip and her helm's a-lee, + Hurrah for the homeward bound! + +CHORUS. Yeo-ho--heave ho-- + Hurrah for the homeward bound! + + To lay aloft in a howling breeze + May tickle a landsman's taste, + But the happiest hour a sailor sees + Is when he's down + At an inland town, + With his Nancy on his knees, yeo ho! + And his arm around her waist! + +CHORUS. Then man the capstan--off we go, + As the fiddler swings us round, + With a yeo heave ho, + And a rum below, + Hurrah for the homeward bound! + + A wandering minstrel I, etc. + + Enter Pish-Tush. + + PISH. And what may be your business with Yum-Yum? + NANK. I'll tell you. A year ago I was a member of the +Titipu town band. It was my duty to take the cap round for +contributions. While discharging this delicate office, I saw +Yum-Yum. We loved each other at once, but she was betrothed to +her guardian Ko-Ko, a cheap tailor, and I saw that my suit was +hopeless. Overwhelmed with despair, I quitted the town. Judge +of my delight when I heard, a month ago, that Ko-Ko had been con- +demned to death for flirting! I hurried back at once, in the +hope of finding Yum-Yum at liberty to listen to my protestations. + PISH. It is true that Ko-Ko was condemned to death for +flirting, but he was reprieved at the last moment, and raised to +the exalted rank of Lord High Executioner under the following +remarkable circumstances: + + SONG--PISH-TUSH and CHORUS. + + Our great Mikado, virtuous man, + When he to rule our land began, + Resolved to try + A plan whereby + Young men might best be steadied. + + So he decreed, in words succinct, + That all who flirted, leered or winked + (Unless connubially linked), + Should forthwith be beheaded. + + And I expect you'll all agree + That he was right to so decree. + And I am right, + And you are right, + And all is right as right can be! + +CHORUS. And you are right. + And we are right, etc + + This stem decree, you'll understand, + Caused great dismay throughout the land! + For young and old + And shy and bold + Were equally affected. + The youth who winked a roving eye, + Or breathed a non-connubial sigh, + Was thereupon condemned to die-- + He usually objected. + + And you'll allow, as I expect, + That he was right to so object. + And I am right, + And you are right, + And everything is quite correct! + +CHORUS. And you are right, + And we are right, etc. + + And so we straight let out on bail + A convict from the county jail, + Whose head was next + On some pretext + Condemned to be mown off, + And made him Headsman, for we said, + "Who's next to be decapited + Cannot cut off another's head + Until he's cut his own off." + + And we are right, I think you'll say, + To argue in this kind of way; + And I am right, + And you are right, + And all is right--too-looral-lay! + +CHORUS. And you are right, + And we are right, etc. + + [Exeunt +Chorus. + + Enter Pooh-Bah. + + NANK. Ko-Ko, the cheap tailor, Lord High Executioner of +Titipu! Why, that's the highest rank a citizen can attain! + POOH. It is. Our logical Mikado, seeing no moral +difference between the dignified judge who condemns a criminal to +die, and the industrious mechanic who carries out the sentence, +has rolled the two offices into one, and every judge is now his +own executioner. + NANK. But how good of you (for I see that you are a +nobleman of the highest rank) to condescend to tell all this to +me, a mere strolling minstrel! + POOH. Don't mention it. I am, in point of fact, a +particularly haughty and exclusive person, of pre-Adamite +ancestral descent. You will understand this when I tell you that +I can trace my ancestry back to a protoplasmal primordial atomic +globule. Consequently, my family pride is something +inconceivable. I can't help it. I was born sneering. But I +struggle hard to overcome this defect. I mortify my pride +continually. When all the great officers of State resigned in a +body because they were too proud to serve under an ex-tailor, did +I not unhesitatingly accept all their posts at once? + PISH. And the salaries attached to them? You did. + POOH. It is consequently my degrading duty to serve this +upstart as First Lord of the Treasury, Lord Chief Justice, +Commander-in-Chief, Lord High Admiral, Master of the Buckhounds, +Groom of the Back Stairs, Archbishop of Titipu, and Lord Mayor, +both acting and elect, all rolled into one. And at a salary! A +Pooh-Bah paid for his services! I a salaried minion! But I do +it! It revolts me, but I do it! + NANK. And it does you credit. + POOH. But I don't stop at that. I go and dine with +middle-class people on reasonable terms. I dance at cheap +suburban parties for a moderate fee. I accept refreshment at any +hands, however lowly. I also retail State secrets at a very low +figure. For instance, any further information about Yum-Yum +would come under the head of a State secret. (Nanki-Poo takes his +hint, and gives him money.) (Aside.) Another insult and, I +think, a light one! + + SONG--POOH-BAH with NANKI-POO and PISH-TUSH. + + Young man, despair, + Likewise go to, + Yum-Yum the fair + You must not woo. + It will not do: + I'm sorry for you, + You very imperfect ablutioner! + This very day + From school Yum-Yum + Will wend her way, + And homeward come, + With beat of drum + And a rum-tum-tum, + To wed the Lord High executioner! + And the brass will crash, + And the trumpets bray, + And they'll cut a dash + On their wedding day. + She'll toddle away, as all aver, + With the Lord High Executioner ' + +NANK. and POOH. And the brass will crash, etc. + + It's a hopeless case, + As you may see, + And in your place + Away I'd flee; + But don't blame me-- + I'm sorry to be + Of your pleasure a diminutioner. + They'll vow their pact + Extremely soon, + In point of fact + This afternoon. + Her honeymoon + With that buffoon + At seven commences, so you shun her! + +ALL. And the brass will crash, etc. + [Exit +Pish-Tush. + + RECIT.--NANKI-POO and POOH-BAH. + +NANK. And I have journeyed for a month, or nearly, + To learn that Yum-Yum, whom I love so dearly, + This day to Ko-Ko is to be united! +POOH. The fact appears to be as you've recited: + But here he comes, equipped as suits his station; + He'll give you any further information. + [Exeunt Pooh-Bah and +Nanki-Poo. + + Enter Chorus of Nobles. + + Behold the Lord High Executioner + A personage of noble rank and title-- + A dignified and potent officer, + Whose functions are particularly vital! + Defer, defer, + To the Lord High Executioner! + + Enter Ko-Ko attended. + + SOLO--KO-KO. + + Taken from the county jail + By a set of curious chances; + Liberated then on bail, + On my own recognizances; + Wafted by a favouring gale + As one sometimes is in trances, + To a height that few can scale, + Save by long and weary dances; + Surely, never had a male + Under such like circumstances + So adventurous a tale, + Which may rank with most romances. + +CHORUS. Defer, defer, + To the Lord High Executioner, etc. + + KO. Gentlemen, I'm much touched by this reception. I can +only trust that by strict attention to duty I shall ensure a +continuance of those favours which it will ever be my study to +deserve. If I should ever be called upon to act professionally, +I am happy to think that there will be no difficulty in finding +plenty of people whose loss will be a distinct gain to society at +large. + + SONG--KO-KO with CHORUS OF MEN. + +As some day it may happen that a victim must be found, + I've got a little list--I've got a little list +Of society offenders who might well be underground, + And who never would be missed--who never would be missed! +There's the pestilential nuisances who write for autographs-- +All people who have flabby hands and irritating laughs-- +All children who are up in dates, and floor you with 'em flat-- +All persons who in shaking hands, shake hands with you like + that-- +And all third persons who on spoiling tte--ttes insist-- + They'd none of 'em be missed--they'd none of 'em be missed! + +CHORUS. He's got 'em on the list--he's got 'em on the list; + And they'll none of 'em be missed--they'll none of + 'em be missed. +There's the banjo serenader, and the others of his race, + And the piano-organist--I've got him on the list! +And the people who eat peppermint and puff it in your face, + They never would be missed--they never would be missed! +Then the idiot who praises, with enthusiastic tone, +All centuries but this, and every country but his own; +And the lady from the provinces, who dresses like a guy, +And who "doesn't think she waltzes, but would rather like to + try"; +And that singular anomaly, the lady novelist-- + I don't think she'd be missed--I'm sure she'd not he missed! + +CHORUS. He's got her on the list--he's got her on the list; + And I don't think she'll be missed--I'm sure + she'll not be missed! + +And that Nisi Prius nuisance, who just now is rather rife, + The Judicial humorist--I've got him on the list! +All funny fellows, comic men, and clowns of private life-- + They'd none of 'em be missed--they'd none of 'em be missed. +And apologetic statesmen of a compromising kind, +Such as--What d'ye call him--Thing'em-bob, and + likewise--Never-mind, +And 'St--'st--'st--and What's-his-name, and also You-know-who-- +The task of filling up the blanks I'd rather leave to you. +But it really doesn't matter whom you put upon the list, + For they'd none of 'em be missed--they'd none of 'em be + missed! + +CHORUS. You may put 'em on the list--you may put 'em on the + list; + And they'll none of 'em be missed--they'll none of + 'em be missed! + + Enter Pooh-Bah. + + KO. Pooh-Bah, it seems that the festivities in connection +with my approaching marriage must last a week. I should like to +do it handsomely, and I want to consult you as to the amount I +ought to spend upon them. + POOH. Certainly. In which of my capacities? As First Lord +of the Treasury, Lord Chamberlain, Attorney General, Chancellor +of the Exchequer, Privy Purse, or Private Secretary? + KO. Suppose we say as Private Secretary. + POOH. Speaking as your Private Secretary, I should say +that, as the city will have to pay for it, don't stint yourself, +do it well. + KO. Exactly--as the city will have to pay for it. That is +your advice. + POOH. As Private Secretary. Of course you will understand +that, as Chancellor of the Exchequer, I am bound to see that due +economy is observed. + KO. Oh! But you said just now "Don't stint yourself, do it +well". + POOH. As Private Secretary. + KO. And now you say that due economy must be observed. + POOH. As Chancellor of the Exchequer. + KO. I see. Come over here, where the Chancellor can't hear +us. (They cross the stage.) Now, as my Solicitor, how do you +advise me to deal with this difficulty? + POOH. Oh, as your Solicitor, I should have no hesitation in +saying "Chance it----" + KO. Thank you. (Shaking his hand.) I will. + POOH. If it were not that, as Lord Chief Justice, I am +bound to see that the law isn't violated. + KO. I see. Come over here where the Chief Justice can't +hear us. (They cross the stage.) Now, then, as First Lord of +the Treasury? + POOH. Of course, as First Lord of the Treasury, I could +propose a special vote that would cover all expenses, if it were +not that, as Leader of the Opposition, it would be my duty to +resist it, tooth and nail. Or, as Paymaster General, I could so +cook the accounts that, as Lord High Auditor, I should never +discover the fraud. But then, as Archbishop of Titipu, it would +be my duty to denounce my dishonesty and give myself into my own +custody as first Commissioner of Police. + KO. That's extremely awkward. + POOH. I don't say that all these distinguished people +couldn't be squared; but it is right to tell you that they +wouldn't be sufficiently degraded in their own estimation unless +they were insulted with a very considerable bribe. + KO. The matter shall have my careful consideration. But my +bride and her sisters approach, and any little compliment on your +part, such as an abject grovel in a characteristic Japanese +attitude, would be esteemed a favour. + POOH. No money, no grovel! + [Exeunt +together. + +Enter procession of Yum-Yum's schoolfellows, heralding Yum-Yum, + Peep-Bo, and Pitti-Sing. + + CHORUS OF GIRLS. + + Comes a train of little ladies + From scholastic trammels free, + Each a little bit afraid is, + Wondering what the world can be! + + Is it but a world of trouble-- + Sadness set to song? + Is its beauty but a bubble + Bound to break ere long? + + Are its palaces and pleasures + Fantasies that fade? + And the glory of its treasures + Shadow of a shade? + + Schoolgirls we, eighteen and under, + From scholastic trammels free, + And we wonder--how we wonder!-- + What on earth the world can be! + + TRIO. + + YUM-YUM, PEEP-BO, and PITTI-SING, with CHORUS OF GIRLS. + +THE THREE. Three little maids from school are we, + Pert as a school-girl well can be, + Filled to the brim with girlish glee, + Three little maids from school! +YUM-YUM. Everything is a source of fun. (Chuckle.) +PEEP-BO. Nobody's safe, for we care for none! (Chuckle.) +PITTI-SING. Life is a joke that's just begun! (Chuckle.) +THE THREE. Three little maids from school! +ALL (dancing). Three little maids who, all unwary, + Come from a ladies' seminary, + Freed from its genius tutelary-- +THE THREE (suddenly demure). Three little maids from school! + +YUM-YUM. One little maid is a bride, Yum-Yum-- +PEEP-BO. Two little maids in attendance come-- +PITTI-SING. Three little maids is the total sum. +THE THREE. Three little maids from school! +YUM-YUM. From three little maids take one away. +PEEP-BO. Two little maids remain, and they-- +PITTI-SING. Won't have to wait very long, they say-- +THE THREE. Three little maids from school! +ALL (dancing). Three little maids who, all unwary, + Come from a ladies' seminary, + Freed from its genius tutelary-- +THE THREE (suddenly demure). Three little maids from school! + + Enter Ko-Ko and Pooh-Bah. + + KO. At last, my bride that is to be! (About to embrace +her.) + YUM. You're not going to kiss me before all these people? + KO. Well, that was the idea. + YUM (aside to Peep-Bo). It seems odd, doesn't it? + PEEP. It's rather peculiar. + PITTI. Oh, I expect it's all right. Must have a beginning, +you know. + YUM. Well, of course I know nothing about these things; but +I've no objection if it's usual. + KO. Oh, it's quite usual, I think. Eh, Lord Chamberlain? +(Appealing to Pooh-Bah.) + POOH. I have known it done. (Ko-Ko embraces her.) + YUM. Thank goodness that's over! (Sees Nanki-Poo, and +rushes to him.) Why, that's never you? (The three Girls rush to +him and shake his hands, all speaking at once.) + YUM. Oh, I'm so glad! I haven't seen you for ever so long, +and I'm right at the top of the school, and I've got three +prizes, and I've come home for good, and I'm not going back any +more! + PEEP. And have you got an engagement?--Yum-Yum's got one, +but she doesn't like it, and she'd ever so much rather it was +you! I've come home for good, and I'm not going back any more! + PITTI. Now tell us all the news, because you go about +everywhere, and we've been at school, but, thank goodness, that's +all over now, and we've come home for good, and we're not going +back any more! + +(These three speeches are spoken together in one breath.) + + KO. I beg your pardon. Will you present me? + YUM. Oh, this is the musician who used-- + PEEP. Oh, this is the gentleman-who used-- + PITTI. Oh, it is only Nanki-Poo who used-- + KO. One at a time, if you please. + YUM. Oh, if you please he's the gentleman who used to play +so beautifully on the--on the-- + PITTI. On the Marine Parade. + YUM. Yes, I think that was the name of the instrument. + NANK. Sir, I have the misfortune to love your ward, +Yum-Yum--oh, I know I deserve your anger! + KO. Anger! not a bit, my boy. Why, I love her myself. +Charming little girl, isn't she? Pretty eyes, nice hair. Taking +little thing, altogether. Very glad to hear my opinion backed by +a competent authority. Thank you very much. Good-bye. (To +Pish-Tush.) Take him away. (Pish-Tush removes him.) + PITTI (who has been examining Pooh-Bah). I beg your pardon, +but what is this? Customer come to try on? + KO. That is a Tremendous Swell. + PITTI. Oh, it's alive. (She starts back in alarm.) + POOH. Go away, little girls. Can't talk to little girls +like you. Go away, there's dears. + KO. Allow me to present you, Pooh-Bah. These are my three +wards. The one in the middle is my bride elect. + POOH. What do you want me to do to them? Mind, I will not +kiss them. + KO. No, no, you shan't kiss them; a little bow--a mere +nothing--you needn't mean it, you know. + POOH. It goes against the grain. They are not young +ladies, they are young persons. + KO. Come, come, make an effort, there's a good nobleman. + POOH. (aside to Ko-Ko). Well, I shan't mean it. (with a +great effort.) How de do, little girls, how de do? (Aside.) +Oh, my protoplasmal ancestor! + KO. That's very good. (Girls indulge in suppressed +laughter.) + POOH. I see nothing to laugh at. It is very painful to me +to have to say "How de do, little girls, how de do?" to young +persons. I'm not in the habit of saying "How de do, little +girls, how de do?" to anybody under the rank of a Stockbroker. + KO. (aside to girls). Don't laugh at him, he can't help +it--he's under treatment for it. (Aside to Pooh-Bah.) Never mind +them, they don't understand the delicacy of your position. + POOH. We know how delicate it is, don't we? + KO. I should think we did! How a nobleman of your +importance can do it at all is a thing I never can, never shall +understand. + [Ko-Ko retires and +goes off. + + QUARTET AND CHORUS OF GIRLS. + + YUM-YUM, PEEP-BO, PITTI-SING, and POOH-BAH. + +YUM, PEEP. So please you, Sir, we much regret +and PITTI. If we have failed in etiquette + Towards a man of rank so high-- + We shall know better by and by. +YUM. But youth, of course, must have its fling, + So pardon us, + So pardon us, +PITTI. And don't, in girlhood's happy spring, + Be hard on us, + Be hard on us, + If we're inclined to dance and sing. + Tra la la, etc. (Dancing.) +CHORUS OF GIRLS. But youth, of course, etc. +POOH. I think you ought to recollect + You cannot show too much respect + Towards the highly titled few; + But nobody does, and why should you? + That youth at us should have its fling, + Is hard on us, + Is hard on us; + To our prerogative we cling-- + So pardon us, + So pardon us, + If we decline to dance and sing. + Tra la la, etc. (Dancing.) +CHORUS OF GIRLS.. But youth, of course, must have its fling, etc. + + [Exeunt all but +Yum-Yum. + + Enter Nanki-Poo. + + NANK. Yum-Yum, at last we are alone! I have sought you +night and day for three weeks, in the belief that your guardian +was beheaded, and I find that you are about to be married to him +this afternoon! + YUM. Alas, yes! + NANK. But you do not love him? + YUM. Alas, no! + NANK. Modified rapture! But why do you not refuse him? + YUM. What good would that do? He's my guardian, and he +wouldn't let me marry you! + NANK. But I would wait until you were of age! + YUM. You forget that in Japan girls do not arrive at years +of discretion until they are fifty. + NANK. True; from seventeen to forty-nine are considered +years of indiscretion. + YUM. Besides--a wandering minstrel, who plays a wind +instrument outside tea-houses, is hardly a fitting husband for +the ward of a Lord High Executioner. + NANK. But---- (Aside.) Shall I tell her? Yes! She will +not betray me! (Aloud.) What if it should prove that, after +all, I am no musician? + YUM. There! I was certain of it, directly I heard you +play! + NANK. What if it should prove that I am no other than the +son of his Majesty the Mikado? + YUM. The son of the Mikado! But why is your Highness +disguised? And what has your Highness done? And will your +Highness promise never to do it again? + NANK. Some years ago I had the misfortune to captivate +Katisha, an elderly lady of my father's Court. She misconstrued +my customary affability into expressions of affection, and +claimed me in marriage, under my father's law. My father, the +Lucius Junius Brutus of his race, ordered me to marry her within +a week, or perish ignominiously on the scaffold. That night I +fled his Court, and, assuming the disguise of a Second Trombone, +I joined the band in which you found me when I had the happiness +of seeing you! (Approaching her.) + YUM. (retreating). If you please, I think your Highness +had better not come too near. The laws against flirting are +excessively severe. + NANK. But we are quite alone, and nobody can see us. + YUM. Still, that don't make it right. To flirt is capital. + NANK. It is capital! + YUM. And we must obey the law. + NANK. Deuce take the law! + YUM. I wish it would, but it won't! + NANK. If it were not for that, how happy we might be! + YUM. Happy indeed! + NANK. If it were not for the law, we should now be sitting +side by side, like that. (Sits by her.) + YUM. Instead of being obliged to sit half a mile off, like +that. (Crosses and sits at other side of stage.) + NANK. We should be gazing into each other's eyes, like +that. (Gazing at her sentimentally.) + YUM. Breathing sighs of unutterable love--like that. +(Sighing and gazing lovingly at him.) + NANK. With our arms round each other's waists, like that. +(Embracing her.) + YUM. Yes, if it wasn't for the law. + NANK. If it wasn't for the law. + YUM. As it is, of course we couldn't do anything of the +kind. + NANK. Not for worlds! + YUM. Being engaged to Ko-Ko, you know! + NANK. Being engaged to Ko-Ko! + + DUET--YUM-YUM and NANKI-POO. + +NANK. Were you not to Ko-Ko plighted, + I would say in tender tone, + "Loved one, let us be united-- + Let us be each other's own!" + I would merge all rank and station, + Worldly sneers are nought to us, + And, to mark my admiration, + I would kiss you fondly thus-- (Kisses her.) +BOTH. I/He would kiss you/me fondly thus-- (Kiss.) +YUM. But as I'm engaged to Ko-Ko, + To embrace you thus, con fuoco, + Would distinctly be no giuoco, + And for yam I should get toko-- + +BOTH. Toko, toko, toko, toko! + +NANK. So, In spite of all temptation, + Such a theme I'll not discuss, + And on no consideration + Will I kiss you fondly thus-- (Kissing her.) + Let me make it clear to you, + This is what I'll never do! + This, oh, this, oh, this, oh, this,--(Kissing + her.) + +TOGETHER. This, oh, this, etc. + + [Exeunt in opposite +directions. + + Enter Ko-Ko. + + KO. (looking after Yum-Yum). There she goes! To think how +entirely my future happiness is wrapped up in that little parcel! +Really, it hardly seems worth while! Oh, matrimony!-- (Enter +Pooh-Bah and Pish-Tush.) Now then, what is it? Can't you see I'm +soliloquizing? You have interrupted an apostrophe, sir! + PISH. I am the bearer of a letter from his Majesty the +Mikado. + KO. (taking it from him reverentially). A letter from the +Mikado! What in the world can he have to say to me? (Reads +letter.) Ah, here it is at last! I thought it would come sooner +or later! The Mikado is struck by the fact that no executions +have taken place in Titipu for a year, and decrees that unless +somebody is beheaded within one month the post of Lord High +Executioner shall be abolished, and the city reduced to the rank +of a village! + PISH. But that will involve us all in irretrievable ruin! + KO. Yes. There is no help for it, I shall have to execute +somebody at once. The only question is, who shall it be? + POOH. Well, it seems unkind to say so, but as you're +already under sentence of death for flirting, everything seems to +point to you. + KO. To me? What are you talking about? I can't execute +myself. + POOH. Why not? + KO. Why not? Because, in the first place, self +decapitation is an extremely difficult, not to say dangerous, +thing to attempt; and, in the second, it's suicide, and suicide +is a capital offence. + POOH. That is so, no doubt. + PISH. We might reserve that point. + POOH. True, it could be argued six months hence, before the +full Court. + KO. Besides, I don't see how a man can cut off his own +head. + POOH. A man might try. + PISH. Even if you only succeeded in cutting it half off, +that would be something. + POOH. It would be taken as an earnest of your desire to +comply with the Imperial will. + KO. No. Pardon me, but there I am adamant. As official +Headsman, my reputation is at stake, and I can't consent to +embark on a professional operation unless I see my way to a +successful result. + POOH. This professional conscientiousness is highly +creditable to you, but it places us in a very awkward position. + KO. My good sir, the awkwardness of your position is grace +itself compared with that of a man engaged in the act of cutting +off his own head. + PISH. I am afraid that, unless you can obtain a substitute +---- + KO. A substitute? Oh, certainly--nothing easier. (To +Pooh-Bah.) Pooh-Bah, I appoint you Lord High Substitute. + POOH. I should be delighted. Such an appointment would +realize my fondest dreams. But no, at any sacrifice, I must set +bounds to my insatiable ambition! + + TRIO + + Ko-Ko Pooh-Bah Pish-Tush + +My brain it teams I am so proud, I heard one +day +With endless schemes If I allowed A gentleman +say +Both good and new My family pride That criminals +who +For Titipu; To be my guide, Are cut in two +But if I flit, I'd volunteer Can hardly +feel +The benefit To quit this sphere The fatal +steel, +That I'd diffuse Instead of you And so are +slain +The town would lose! In a minute or two, Without much +pain. +Now every man But family pride If this is +true, +To aid his clan Must be denied, It's jolly for +you; +Should plot and plan And set aside, Your courage +screw +As best he can, And mortified. To bid us +adieu, + And so, And so, And go + Although Although And show +I'm ready to go, I wish to go, Both friend +and foe +Yet recollect And greatly pine How much you +dare. +'Twere disrespect To brightly shine, I'm quite +aware +Did I neglect And take the line It's your +affair, +To thus effect Of a hero fine, Yet I declare +This aim direct, With grief condign I'd take your +share, +So I object-- I must decline-- But I don't +much care-- +So I object-- I must decline-- I don't much +care-- +So I object-- I must decline-- I don't much +care-- + + +ALL. To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock, + In a pestilential prison, with a life-long lock, + Awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock, + From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block! + [Exeunt Pooh. +and Pish. + + KO. This is simply appalling! I, who allowed myself to be +respited at the last moment, simply in order to benefit my native +town, am now required to die within a month, and that by a man +whom I have loaded with honours! Is this public gratitude? Is +this--- (Enter Nanki-Poo, with a rope in his hands.) Go away, +sir! How dare you? Am I never to be permitted to soliloquize? + NANK. Oh, go on--don't mind me. + KO. What are you going to do with that rope? + NANK. I am about to terminate an unendurabIe existence. + KO. Terminate your existence? Oh, nonsense! What for? + NANK. Because you are going to marry the girl I adore. + KO. Nonsense, sir. I won't permit it. I am a humane man, +and if you attempt anything of the kind I shall order your +instant arrest. Come, sir, desist at once or I summon my guard. + NANK. That's absurd. If you attempt to raise an alarm, I +instantly perform the Happy Despatch with this dagger. + KO. No, no, don't do that. This is horrible! (Suddenly.) +Why, you cold-blooded scoundrel, are you aware that, in taking +your life, you are committing a crime which--which--which is---- +Oh! (Struck by an idea.) Substitute! + NANK. What's the matter? + KO. Is it absolutely certain that you are resolved to die? + NANK. Absolutely! + KO. Will nothing shake your resolution? + NANK. Nothing. + KO. Threats, entreaties, prayers--all useless? + NANK. All! My mind is made up. + KO. Then, if you really mean what you say, and if you are +absolutely resolved to die, and if nothing whatever will shake +your determination--don't spoil yourself by committing suicide, +but be beheaded handsomely at the hands of the Public +Executioner! + NANK. I don't see how that would benefit me. + KO. You don't? Observe: you'll have a month to live, and +you'll live like a fighting-cock at my expense. When the day +comes there'll be a grand public ceremonial--you'll be the +central figure--no one will attempt to deprive you of that +distinction. There'll be a procession--bands--dead march--bells +tolling--all the girls in tears--Yum-Yum distracted--then, when +it's all over, general rejoicings, and a display of fireworks in +the evening. You won't see them, but they'll be there all the +same. + NANK. Do you think Yum-Yum would really be distracted at my +death? + KO. I am convinced of it. Bless you, she's the most +tender-hearted little creature alive. + NANK. I should be sorry to cause her pain. Perhaps, after +all, if I were to withdraw from Japan, and travel in Europe for a +couple of years, I might contrive to forget her. + KO. Oh, I don't think you could forget Yum-Yum so easily; +and, after all, what is more miserable than a love-blighted life? + NANK. True. + KO. Life without Yum-Yum--why, it seems absurd! + NANK. And yet there are a good many people in the world who +have to endure it. + KO. Poor devils, yes! You are quite right not to be of +their number. + NANK. (suddenly). I won't be of their number! + KO. Noble fellow! + NANK. I'll tell you how we'll manage it. Let me marry +Yum-Yum to-morrow, and in a month you may behead me. + KO. No, no. I draw the line at Yum-Yum. + NANK. Very good. If you can draw the line, so can I. +(Preparing rope.) + KO. Stop, stop--listen one moment--be reasonable. How can +I consent to your marrying Yum-Yum if I'm going to marry her +myself? + NANK. My good friend, she'll be a widow in a month, and you +can marry her then. + KO. That's true, of course. I quite see that. But, dear +me! my position during the next month will be most +unpleasant--most unpleasant. + NANK. Not half so unpleasant as my position at the end of +it. + KO. But--dear me!--well--I agree--after all, it's only +putting off my wedding for a month. But you won't prejudice her +against me, will you? You see, I've educated her to be my wife; +she's been taught to regard me as a wise and good man. Now I +shouldn't like her views on that point disturbed. + NANK. Trust me, she shall never learn the truth from me. + + FINALE. + + Enter Chorus, Pooh-Bah, and Pish-Tush. + + CHORUS. + + With aspect stern + And gloomy stride, + We come to learn + How you decide. + + Don't hesitate + Your choice to name, + A dreadful fate + You'll suffer all the same. + +POOH. To ask you what you mean to do we punctually appear. +KO. Congratulate me, gentlemen, I've found a Volunteer! +ALL. The Japanese equivalent for Hear, Hear, Hear! +KO. (presenting him). 'Tis Nanki-Poo! +ALL. Hail, Nanki-Poo! +KO. I think he'll do? +ALL. Yes, yes, he'll do! + +KO. He yields his life if I'll Yum-Yum surrender. + Now I adore that girl with passion tender, + And could not yield her with a ready will, + Or her allot, + If I did not + Adore myself with passion tenderer still! + + Enter Yum-Yum, Peep-Bo, and Pitti-Sing. + +ALL. Ah, yes! + He loves himself with passion tenderer still! +KO. (to Nanki-Poo). Take her--she's yours! + +[Exit Ko-Ko + + ENSEMBLE. + +NANKI-POO. The threatened cloud has passed away, +YUM-YUM. And brightly shines the dawning day; +NANKI-POO. What though the night may come too soon, +YUM-YUM. There's yet a month of afternoon! + + NANKI-POO, POOH-BAH, YUM-YUM, PITTI-SING, + and PEEP-BO. + + Then let the throng + Our joy advance, + With laughing song + And merry dance, + +CHORUS. With joyous shout and ringing cheer, + Inaugurate our brief career! + +PITTI-SING. A day, a week, a month, a year-- +YUM. Or far or near, or far or near, +POOH. Life's eventime comes much too soon, +PITTI-SING. You'll live at least a honeymoon! + +ALL. Then let the throng, etc. + +CHORUS. With joyous shout, etc. + + SOLO--POOH-BAH. + + As in a month you've got to die, + If Ko-Ko tells us true, + 'Twere empty compliment to cry + "Long life to Nanki-Poo!" + But as one month you have to live + As fellow-citizen, + This toast with three times three we'll give-- + "Long life to you--till then!" + + [Exit +Pooh-Bah. + +CHORUS. May all good fortune prosper you, + May you have health and riches too, + May you succeed in all you do! + Long life to you--till then! + + (Dance.) + + Enter Katisha melodramatically + +KAT. Your revels cease! Assist me, all of you! +CHORUS. Why, who is this whose evil eyes + Rain blight on our festivities? +KAT. I claim my perjured lover, Nanki-Poo! + Oh, fool! to shun delights that never cloy! +CHORUS. Go, leave thy deadly work undone! +KAT. Come back, oh, shallow fool! come back to joy! +CHORUS. Away, away! ill-favoured one! + +NANK. (aside to Yum-Yum). Ah! + 'Tis Katisha! + The maid of whom I told you. (About to go.) + +KAT. (detaining him). No! + You shall not go, + These arms shall thus enfold you! + + SONG--KATISHA. + +KAT. (addressing Nanki-Poo). + Oh fool, that fleest + My hallowed joys! + Oh blind, that seest + No equipoise! + Oh rash, that judgest + From half, the whole! + Oh base, that grudgest + Love's lightest dole! + Thy heart unbind, + Oh fool, oh blind! + Give me my place, + Oh rash, oh base! + +CHORUS. If she's thy bride, restore her place, + Oh fool, oh blind, oh rash, oh base! + +KAT. (addressing Yum-Yum). + Pink cheek, that rulest + Where wisdom serves! + Bright eye, that foolest + Heroic nerves! + Rose lip, that scornest + Lore-laden years! + Smooth tongue, that warnest + Who rightly hears! + Thy doom is nigh. + Pink cheek, bright eye! + Thy knell is rung, + Rose lip, smooth tongue! + +CHORUS. If true her tale, thy knell is rung, + Pink cheek, bright eye, rose lip, smooth tongue! + +PITTI-SING. Away, nor prosecute your quest-- + From our intention, well expressed, + You cannot turn us! + The state of your connubial views + Towards the person you accuse + Does not concern us! + For he's going to marry Yum-Yum-- +ALL. Yum-Yum! +PITTI. Your anger pray bury, + For all will be merry, + I think you had better succumb-- +ALL. Cumb--cumb! +PITTI. And join our expressions of glee. + On this subject I pray you be dumb-- +ALL. Dumb--dumb. +PITTI. You'll find there are many + Who'll wed for a penny-- + The word for your guidance is "Mum"-- +ALL. Mum--mum! +PITTI. There's lots of good fish in the sea! + +ALL. On this subject we pray you be dumb, etc. + + SOLO--KATISHA. + + The hour of gladness + Is dead and gone; + In silent sadness + I live alone! + The hope I cherished + All lifeless lies, + And all has perished + Save love, which never dies! + Oh, faithless one, this insult you shall rue! + In vain for mercy on your knees you'll sue. + I'll tear the mask from your disguising! + +NANK. (aside). Now comes the blow! +KAT. Prepare yourselves for news surprising! +NANK. (aside). How foil my foe? +KAT. No minstrel he, despite bravado! +YUM. (aside, struck by an idea). Ha! ha! I know! +KAT. He is the son of your---- + +(Nanki-Poo, Yum-Yum, and Chorus, interrupting, sing Japanese words, + to drown her voice.) + + O ni! bikkuri shakkuri to! +KAT. In vain you interrupt with this tornado! + He is the only son of your---- +ALL. O ni! bikkuri shakkuri to! +KAT. I'll spoil---- +ALL. O ni! bikkuri shakkuri to! +KAT. Your gay gambado! + He is the son---- +ALL. O ni! bikkuri shakkuri to! +KAT. Of your---- +ALL. O ni! bikkuri shakkuri to! +KAT. The son of your---- +ALL. O ni! bikkuri shakkuri to! oya! oya! + + ENSEMBLE. + + + KATISHA. THE OTHERS. + + Ye torrents roar! We'll hear no more, + Ye tempests howl! Ill-omened owl. + Your wrath outpour To joy we soar, + With angry growl! Despite your +scowl! +Do ye your worst, my vengeance The echoes of our festival + call +Shall rise triumphant over all! Shall rise triumphant over +all! + Prepare for woe, Away you go, + Ye haughty lords, Collect your +hordes; + At once I go Proclaim your woe + Mikado-wards, In dismal +chords +My wrongs with vengeance shall We do not heed their +dismal + be crowned! sound +My wrongs with vengeance shall For joy reigns everywhere + be crowned! around. + +(Katisha rushes furiously up stage, clearing the crowd away right + and left, finishing on steps at the back of stage.) + + END OF ACT I. + + + + ACT II. + + SCENE.--Ko-Ko's Garden. + +Yum-Yum discovered seated at her bridal toilet, surrounded by + maidens, who are dressing her hair and painting her face and + lips, as she judges of the effect in a mirror. + + SOLO--PITTI-SING and CHORUS OF GIRLS. + +CHORUS. Braid the raven hair-- + Weave the supple tress-- + Deck the maiden fair + In her loveliness-- + Paint the pretty face-- + Dye the coral lip-- + Emphasize the grace + Of her ladyship! + Art and nature, thus allied, + Go to make a pretty bride. + + SOLO--PITTI-SING. + + Sit with downcast eye + Let it brim with dew-- + Try if you can cry-- + We will do so, too. + When you're summoned, start + Like a frightened roe-- + Flutter, little heart, + Colour, come and go! + Modesty at marriage-tide + Well becomes a pretty bride! + + CHORUS. + + Braid the raven hair, etc. + + [Exeunt Pitti-Sing, Peep-Bo, and +Chorus. + + YUM. Yes, I am indeed beautiful! Sometimes I sit and +wonder, in my artless Japanese way, why it is that I am so much +more attractive than anybody else in the whole world. Can this +be vanity? No! Nature is lovely and rejoices in her loveliness. +I am a child of Nature, and take after my mother. + + SONG--YUM-YUM. + + The sun, whose rays + Are all ablaze + With ever-living glory, + Does not deny + His majesty-- + He scorns to tell a story! + He don't exclaim, + "I blush for shame, + So kindly be indulgent." + But, fierce and bold, + In fiery gold, + He glories effulgent! + + I mean to rule the earth, + As he the sky-- + We really know our worth, + The sun and I! + + Observe his flame, + That placid dame, + The moon's Celestial Highness; + There's not a trace + Upon her face + Of diffidence or shyness: + She borrows light + That, through the night, + Mankind may all acclaim her! + And, truth to tell, + She lights up well, + So I, for one, don't blame her! + + Ah, pray make no mistake, + We are not shy; + We're very wide awake, + The moon and I! + + Enter Pitti-Sing and Peep-Bo. + + YUM. Yes, everything seems to smile upon me. I am to be +married to-day to the man I love best and I believe I am the very +happiest girl in Japan! + PEEP. The happiest girl indeed, for she is indeed to be +envied who has attained happiness in all but perfection. + YUM. In "all but" perfection? + PEEP. Well, dear, it can't be denied that the fact that +your husband is to be beheaded in a month is, in its way, a +drawback. It does seem to take the top off it, you know. + PITTI. I don't know about that. It all depends! + PEEP. At all events, he will find it a drawback. + PITTI. Not necessarily. Bless you, it all depends! + YUM. (in tears). I think it very indelicate of you to +refer to such a subject on such a day. If my married happiness +is to be--to be-- + PEEP. Cut short. + YUM. Well, cut short--in a month, can't you let me forget +it? (Weeping.) + + Enter Nanki-Poo, followed by Go-To. + + NANK. Yum-Yum in tears--and on her wedding morn! + YUM. (sobbing). They've been reminding me that in a month +you're to be beheaded! (Bursts into tears.) + PITTI. Yes, we've been reminding her that you're to be +beheaded. (Bursts into tears.) + PEEP. It's quite true, you know, you are to be beheaded! +(Bursts into tears.) + NANK. (aside). Humph! Now, some bridegrooms would be +depressed by this sort of thing! (Aloud.) A month? Well, +what's a month? Bah! These divisions of time are purely +arbitrary. Who says twenty-four hours make a day? + PITTI. There's a popular impression to that effect. + NANK. Then we'll efface it. We'll call each second a +minute--each minute an hour--each hour a day--and each day a +year. At that rate we've about thirty years of married happiness +before us! + PEEP. And, at that rate, this interview has already lasted +four hours and three-quarters! + [Exit +Peep-Bo. + YUM. (still sobbing). Yes. How time flies when one is +thoroughly enjoying oneself! + NANK. That's the way to look at it! Don't let's be +downhearted! There's a silver lining to every cloud. + YUM. Certainly. Let's--let's be perfectly happy! (Almost +in tears.) + GO-TO. By all means. Let's--let's thoroughly enjoy +ourselves. + PITTI. It's--it's absurd to cry! (Trying to force a +laugh.) + YUM. Quite ridiculous! (Trying to laugh.) + + (All break into a forced and melancholy laugh.) + + MADRIGAL. + + YUM-YUM, PITTI-SING, NANKI-POO, and PISH-TUSH + + Brightly dawns our wedding day; + Joyous hour, we give thee greeting! + Whither, whither art thou fleeting? + Fickle moment, prithee stay! + What though mortal joys be hollow? + Pleasures come, if sorrows follow: + Though the tocsin sound, ere long, + Ding dong! Ding dong! + Yet until the shadows fall + Over one and over all, + Sing a merry madrigal-- + A madrigal! + + Fal-la--fal-la! etc. (Ending in tears.) + + Let us dry the ready tear, + Though the hours are surely creeping + Little need for woeful weeping, + Till the sad sundown is near. + All must sip the cup of sorrow-- + I to-day and thou to-morrow; + This the close of every song-- + Ding dong! Ding dong! + What, though solemn shadows fall, + Sooner, later, over all? + Sing a merry madrigal-- + A madrigal! + + Fal-la--fal-la! etc. (Ending in tears.) + + [Exeunt Pitti-Sing and +Pish-Tush. + +(Nanki-Poo embraces Yum-Yum. Enter Ko-Ko. Nanki-Poo releases + Yum-Yum.) + + KO. Go on--don't mind me. + NANK. I'm afraid we're distressing you. + KO. Never mind, I must get used to it. Only please do it +by degrees. Begin by putting your arm round her waist. +(Nanki-Poo does so.) There; let me get used to that first. + YUM. Oh, wouldn't you like to retire? It must pain you to +see us so affectionate together! + KO. No, I must learn to bear it! Now oblige me by allowing +her head to rest on your shoulder. + NANK. Like that? (He does so. Ko-Ko much affected.) + KO. I am much obliged to you. Now--kiss her! (He does so. +Ko-Ko writhes with anguish.) Thank you--it's simple torture! + YUM. Come, come, bear up. After all, it's only for a +month. + KO. No. It's no use deluding oneself with false hopes. + NANK. and YUM. What do you mean? + KO. (to Yum-Yum). My child--my poor child! (Aside.) How +shall I break it to her? (Aloud.) My little bride that was to +have been? + YUM. (delighted). Was to have been? + KO. Yes, you never can be mine! + NANK. and YUM. (simultaneously, in ecstacy) What!/I'm so +glad! + KO. I've just ascertained that, by the Mikado's law, when a +married man is beheaded his wife is buried alive. + NANK. and YUM. Buried alive! + KO. Buried alive. It's a most unpleasant death. + NANK. But whom did you get that from? + KO. Oh, from Pooh-Bah. He's my Solicitor. + YUM. But he may be mistaken! + KO. So I thought; so I consulted the Attorney General, the +Lord Chief Justice, the Master of the Rolls, the Judge Ordinary, +and the Lord Chancellor. They're all of the same opinion. Never +knew such unanimity on a point of law in my life! + NANK. But stop a bit! This law has never been put in +force. + KO. Not yet. You see, flirting is the only crime +punishable with decapitation, and married men never flirt. + NANK. Of course, they don't. I quite forgot that! Well, I +suppose I may take it that my dream of happiness is at an end! + YUM. Darling--I don't want to appear selfish, and I love +you with all my heart--I don't suppose I shall ever love anybody +else half as much--but when I agreed to marry you--my own--I had +no idea--pet--that I should have to be buried alive in a month! + NANK. Nor I! It's the very first I've heard of it! + YUM. It--it makes a difference, doesn't it? + NANK. It does make a difference, of course. + YUM. You see--burial alive--it's such a stuffy death! + NANK. I call it a beast of a death. + YUM. You see my difficulty, don't you? + NANK. Yes, and I see my own. If I insist on your carrying +out your promise, I doom you to a hideous death; if I release +you, you marry Ko-Ko at once! + + TRIO.--YUM-YUM, NANKI-POO, and KO-KO. + +YUM. Here's a how-de-do! + If I marry you, + When your time has come to perish, + Then the maiden whom you cherish + Must be slaughtered, too! + Here's a how-de-do! + +NANK. Here's a pretty mess! + In a month, or less, + I must die without a wedding! + Let the bitter tears I'm shedding + Witness my distress, + Here's a pretty mess! + +KO. Here's a state of things + To her life she clings! + Matrimonial devotion + Doesn't seem to suit her notion-- + Burial it brings! + Here's a state of things! + + ENSEMBLE + + YUM-YUM and NANKI-POO. KO-KO. + +With a passion that's intense With a passion that's +intense + I worship and adore, You worship and adore, +But the laws of common sense But the laws of common +sense + We oughtn't to ignore. You oughtn't to +ignore. +If what he says is true, If what I say is true, + 'Tis death to marry you! 'Tis death to marry +you! +Here's a pretty state of things! Here's a pretty state of +things! + Here's a pretty how-de-do! Here's a pretty +how-de-do! + + [Exit +Yum-Yum. + + KO. (going up to Nanki-Poo). My poor boy, I'm really very +sorry for you. + NANK. Thanks, old fellow. I'm sure you are. + KO. You see I'm quite helpless. + NANK. I quite see that. + KO. I can't conceive anything more distressing than to have +one's marriage broken off at the last moment. But you shan't be +disappointed of a wedding--you shall come to mine. + NANK. It's awfully kind of you, but that's impossible. + KO. Why so? + NANK. To-day I die. + KO. What do you mean? + NANK. I can't live without Yum-Yum. This afternoon I +perform the Happy Despatch. + KO. No, no--pardon me--I can't allow that. + NANK. Why not? + KO. Why, hang it all, you're under contract to die by the +hand of the Public Executioner in a month's time! If you kill +yourself, what's to become of me? Why, I shall have to be +executed in your place! + NANK. It would certainly seem so! + + Enter Pooh-Bah. + + KO. Now then, Lord Mayor, what is it? + POOH. The Mikado and his suite are approaching the city, +and will be here in ten minutes. + KO. The Mikado! He's coming to see whether his orders have +been carried out! (To Nanki-Poo.) Now look here, you know--this +is getting serious--a bargain's a bargain, and you really mustn't +frustrate the ends of justice by committing suicide. As a man of +honour and a gentleman, you are bound to die ignominiously by the +hands of the Public Executioner. + NANK. Very well, then--behead me. + KO. What, now? + NANK. Certainly; at once. + POOH. Chop it off! Chop it off! + KO. My good sir, I don't go about prepared to execute +gentlemen at a moment's notice. Why, I never even killed a +blue-bottle! + POOH. Still, as Lord High Executioner---- + KO. My good sir, as Lord High Executioner, I've got to +behead him in a month. I'm not ready yet. I don't know how it's +done. I'm going to take lessons. I mean to begin with a guinea +pig, and work my way through the animal kingdom till I come to a +Second Trombone. Why, you don't suppose that, as a humane man, +I'd have accepted the post of Lord High Executioner if I hadn't +thought the duties were purely nominal? I can't kill you--I +can't kill anything! I can't kill anybody! (Weeps.) + NANK. Come, my poor fellow, we all have unpleasant duties +to discharge at times; after all, what is it? If I don't mind, +why should you? Remember, sooner or later it must be done. + KO. (springing up suddenly). Must it? I'm not so sure +about that! + NANK. What do you mean? + KO. Why should I kill you when making an affidavit that +you've been executed will do just as well? Here are plenty of +witnesses--the Lord Chief Justice, Lord High Admiral, +Commander-in-Chief, Secretary of State for the Home Department, +First Lord of the Treasury, and Chief Commissioner of Police. + NANK. But where are they? + KO. There they are. They'll all swear to it--won't you? +(To Pooh-Bah.) + POOH. Am I to understand that all of us high Officers of +State are required to perjure ourselves to ensure your safety? + KO. Why not! You'll be grossly insulted, as usual. + POOH. Will the insult be cash down, or at a date? + KO. It will be a ready-money transaction. + POOH. (Aside.) Well, it will be a useful discipline. +(Aloud.) Very good. Choose your fiction, and I'll endorse it! +(Aside.) Ha! ha! Family Pride, how do you like that, my buck? + NANK. But I tell you that life without Yum-Yum---- + KO. Oh, Yum-Yum, Yum-Yum! Bother Yum-Yum! Here, +Commissionaire (to Pooh-Bah), go and fetch Yum-Yum. (Exit +Pooh-Bah.) Take Yum-Yum and marry Yum-Yum, only go away and never +come back again. (Enter Pooh-Bah with Yum-Yum.) Here she is. +Yum-Yum, are you particularly busy? + YUM. Not particularly. + KO. You've five minutes to spare? + YUM. Yes. + KO. Then go along with his Grace the Archbishop of Titipu; +he'll marry you at once. + YUM. But if I'm to be buried alive? + KO. Now, don't ask any questions, but do as I tell you, and +Nanki-Poo will explain all. + NANK. But one moment---- + KO. Not for worlds. Here comes the Mikado, no doubt to +ascertain whether I've obeyed his decree, and if he finds you +alive I shall have the greatest difficulty in persuading him that +I've beheaded you. (Exeunt Nanki-Poo and Yum-Yum, followed by +Pooh-Bah.) Close thing that, for here he comes! + +[Exit Ko-Ko. + +March.--Enter procession, heralding Mikado, with Katisha. + + Entrance of Mikado and Katisha. + + ("March of the Mikado's troops.") + +CHORUS. Miya sama, miya sama, + On n'm-ma no maye ni + Pira-Pira suru no wa + Nan gia na + Toko tonyare tonyare na? + + DUET--MIKADO and KATISHA. + +MIK. From every kind of man + Obedience I expect; + I'm the Emperor of Japan-- + +KAT. And I'm his daughter-in-law elect! + He'll marry his son + (He's only got one) + To his daughter-in-law elect! + +MIK. My morals have been declared + Particularly correct; + +KAT. But they're nothing at all, compared + With those of his daughter-in-law elect! + Bow--Bow-- + To his daughter-in-law elect! + +ALL. Bow--Bow-- + To his daughter-in-law elect. + +MIK. In a fatherly kind of way + I govern each tribe and sect, + All cheerfully own my sway-- + +KAT. Except his daughter-in-law elect! + As tough as a bone, + With a will of her own, + Is his daughter-in-law elect! + +MIK. My nature is love and light-- + My freedom from all defect-- + +KAT. Is insignificant quite, + Compared with his daughter-in-law elect! + Bow--Bow-- + To his daughter-in-law elect! + +ALL. Bow--Bow-- + To his daughter-in-law elect! + + SONG--MIKADO and CHORUS. + + A more humane Mikado never + Did in Japan exist, + To nobody second, + I'm certainly reckoned + A true philanthropist. + It is my very humane endeavour + To make, to some extent, + Each evil liver + A running river + Of harmless merriment. + + My object all sublime + I shall achieve in time-- + To let the punishment fit the crime-- + The punishment fit the crime; + And make each prisoner pent + Unwillingly represent + A source of innocent merriment! + Of innocent merriment! + + All prosy dull society sinners, + Who chatter and bleat and bore, + Are sent to hear sermons + From mystical Germans + Who preach from ten till four. + The amateur tenor, whose vocal villainies + All desire to shirk, + Shall, during off-hours, + Exhibit his powers + To Madame Tussaud's waxwork. + + The lady who dyes a chemical yellow + Or stains her grey hair puce, + Or pinches her figure, + Is painted with vigour + With permanent walnut juice. + The idiot who, in railway carriages, + Scribbles on window-panes, + We only suffer + To ride on a buffer + In Parliamentary trains. + + My object all sublime, etc. + +CHORUS. His object all sublime, etc. + + The advertising quack who wearies + With tales of countless cures, + His teeth, I've enacted, + Shall all be extracted + By terrified amateurs. + The music-hall singer attends a series + Of masses and fugues and "ops" + By Bach, interwoven + With Spohr and Beethoven, + At classical Monday Pops. + + The billiard sharp who any one catches, + His doom's extremely hard-- + He's made to dwell-- + In a dungeon cell + On a spot that's always barred. + And there he plays extravagant matches + In fitless finger-stalls + On a cloth untrue + With a twisted cue + And elliptical billiard balls! + + My object all sublime, etc. + +CHORUS. His object all sublime, etc. + + Enter Pooh-Bah, Ko-Ko, and Pitti-Sing. All kneel + + (Pooh-Bah hands a paper to Ko-Ko.) + + KO. I am honoured in being permitted to welcome your +Majesty. I guess the object of your Majesty's visit--your wishes +have been attended to. The execution has taken place. + MIK. Oh, you've had an execution, have you? + KO. Yes. The Coroner has just handed me his certificate. + POOH. I am the Coroner. (Ko-Ko hands certificate to +Mikado.) + MIK. And this is the certificate of his death. (Reads.) +"At Titipu, in the presence of the Lord Chancellor, Lord Chief +Justice, Attorney-General, Secretary of State for the Home +Department, Lord Mayor, and Groom of the Second Floor Front----" + POOH. They were all present, your Majesty. I counted them +myself. + MIK. Very good house. I wish I'd been in time for the +performance. + KO. A tough fellow he was, too--a man of gigantic strength. +His struggles were terrific. It was a remarkable scene. + MIK. Describe it. + + TRIO and CHORUS. + + KO-KO, PITTI-SING, POOH-BAH and CHORUS. + +KO. The criminal cried, as he dropped him down, + In a state of wild alarm-- + With a frightful, frantic, fearful frown, + I bared my big right arm. + I seized him by his little pig-tail, + And on his knees fell he, + As he squirmed and struggled, + And gurgled and guggled, + I drew my snickersnee! + Oh, never shall I + Forget the cry, + Or the shriek that shrieked he, + As I gnashed my teeth, + When from its sheath + I drew my snickersnee! + +CHORUS. + + We know him well, + He cannot tell + Untrue or groundless tales-- + He always tries + To utter lies, + And every time he fails. + +PITTI. He shivered and shook as he gave the sign + For the stroke he didn't deserve; + When all of a sudden his eye met mine, + And it seemed to brace his nerve; + For he nodded his head and kissed his hand, + And he whistled an air, did he, + As the sabre true + Cut cleanly through + His cervical vertebrae! + + When a man's afraid, + A beautiful maid + Is a cheering sight to see; + And it's oh, I'm glad + That moment sad + Was soothed by sight of me! + + CHORUS. + + Her terrible tale + You can't assail, + With truth it quite agrees: + Her taste exact + For faultless fact + Amounts to a disease. + +POOH. Now though you'd have said that head was dead + (For its owner dead was he), + It stood on its neck, with a smile well-bred, + And bowed three times to me! + It was none of your impudent off-hand nods, + But as humble as could be; + For it clearly knew + The deference due + To a man of pedigree! + And it's oh, I vow, + This deathly bow + Was a touching sight to see; + Though trunkless, yet + It couldn't forget + The deference due to me! + + CHORUS. + + This haughty youth, + He speaks the truth + Whenever he finds it pays: + And in this case + It all took place + Exactly as he says! + [Exeunt +Chorus. + + MIK. All this is very interesting, and I should like to +have seen it. But we came about a totally different matter. A +year ago my son, the heir to the throne of Japan, bolted from our +Imperial Court. + KO. Indeed! Had he any reason to be dissatisfied with his +position? + KAT. None whatever. On the contrary, I was going to marry +him--yet he fled! + POOH. I am surprised that he should have fled from one so +lovely! + KAT. That's not true. + POOH. No! + KAT. You hold that I am not beautiful because my face is +plain. But you know nothing; you are still unenlightened. +Learn, then, that it is not in the face alone that beauty is to +be sought. My face is unattractive! + POOH. It is. + KAT. But I have a left shoulder-blade that is a miracle of +loveliness. People come miles to see it. My right elbow has a +fascination that few can resist. + POOH. Allow me! + KAT. It is on view Tuesdays and Fridays, on presentation of +visiting card. As for my circulation, it is the largest in the +world. + KO. And yet he fled! + MIK. And is now masquerading in this town, disguised as a +Second Trombone. + KO., POOH., and PITTI. A Second Trombone! + MIK. Yes; would it be troubling you too much if I asked you +to produce him? He goes by the name of---- + KAT. Nanki-Poo. + MIK. Nanki-Poo. + KO. It's quite easy. That is, it's rather difficult. In +point of fact, he's gone abroad! + MIK. Gone abroad! His address. + KO. Knightsbridge! + KAT. (who is reading certificate of death). Ha! + MIK. What's the matter? + KAT. See here--his name--Nanki-Poo--beheaded this morning. +Oh, where shall I find another? Where shall I find another? + + [Ko-Ko, Pooh-Bah, and Pitti-Sing fall on +their knees. + + MIK. (looking at paper). Dear, dear, dear! this is very +tiresome. (To Ko-Ko.) My poor fellow, in your anxiety to carry +out my wishes you have beheaded the heir to the throne of Japan! + KO. I beg to offer an unqualified apology. + POOH. I desire to associate myself with that expression of +regret. + PITTI. We really hadn't the least notion-- + MIK. Of course you hadn't. How could you? Come, come, my +good fellow, don't distress yourself--it was no fault of yours. +If a man of exalted rank chooses to disguise himself as a Second +Trombone, he must take the consequences. It really distresses me +to see you take on so. I've no doubt he thoroughly deserved all +he got. (They rise.) + KO. We are infinitely obliged to your Majesty---- + PITTI. Much obliged, your Majesty. + POOH. Very much obliged, your Majesty. + MIK. Obliged? not a bit. Don't mention it. How could you +tell? + POOH. No, of course we couldn't tell who the gentleman +really was. + PITTI. It wasn't written on his forehead, you know. + KO. It might have been on his pocket-handkerchief, but +Japanese don't use pocket-handkerchiefs! Ha! ha! ha! + MIK. Ha! ha! ha! (To Katisha.) I forget the punishment for +compassing the death of the Heir Apparent. + KO., POOH, and PITTI. Punishment. (They drop down on their +knees again.) + MIK. Yes. Something lingering, with boiling oil in it, I +fancy. Something of that sort. I think boiling oil occurs in +it, but I'm not sure. I know it's something humorous, but +lingering, with either boiling oil or melted lead. Come, come, +don't fret--I'm not a bit angry. + KO. (in abject terror). If your Majesty will accept our +assurance, we had no idea---- + MIK. Of course---- + PITTI. I knew nothing about it. + POOH. I wasn't there. + MIK. That's the pathetic part of it. Unfortunately, the +fool of an Act says "compassing the death of the Heir Apparent." +There's not a word about a mistake---- + KO., PITTI., and POOH. No! + MIK. Or not knowing---- + KO. No! + MIK. Or having no notion---- + PITTI. No! + MIK. Or not being there---- + POOH. No! + MIK. There should be, of course--- + KO., PITTI., and POOH. Yes! + MIK. But there isn't. + KO., PITTI., and POOH. Oh! + MIK. That's the slovenly way in which these Acts are always +drawn. However, cheer up, it'll be all right. I'll have it +altered next session. Now, let's see about your execution--will +after luncheon suit you? Can you wait till then? + KO., PITTI., and POOH. Oh, yes--we can wait till then! + MIK. Then we'll make it after luncheon. + POOH. I don't want any lunch. + MIK. I'm really very sorry for you all, but it's an unjust +world, and virtue is triumphant only in theatrical performances. + + GLEE. + + PITTI-SING, KATISHA, KO-KO, POOH-BAH, and MIKADO, + +MIK. See how the Fates their gifts allot, + For A is happy--B is not. + Yet B is worthy, I dare say, + Of more prosperity than A! +KO., POOH., and PITTI. Is B more worthy? +KAT. I should say + He's worth a great deal more than A. +ENSEMBLE: Yet A is happy! + Oh, so happy! + Laughing, Ha! ha! + Chaffing, Ha! ha! + Nectar quaffing, Ha! ha! ha! + Ever joyous, ever gay, + Happy, undeserving A! +KO., POOH., and PITTI. If I were Fortune--which I'm not-- + B should enjoy A's happy lot, + And A should die in miserie-- + That is, assuming I am B. +MIK. and KAT. But should A perish? +KO., POOH., and PITTI. That should be + (Of course, assuming I am B). + B should be happy! + Oh, so happy! + Laughing, Ha! ha! + Chaffing, Ha! ha! + Nectar quaffing, Ha! ha! ha! + But condemned to die is he, + Wretched meritorious B! + + [Exeunt Mikado and +Katisha. + + KO. Well, a nice mess you've got us into, with your nodding +head and the deference due to a man of pedigree! + POOH. Merely corroborative detail, intended to give +artistic verisimilitude to an otherwise bald and unconvincing +narrative. + PITTI. Corroborative detail indeed! Corroborative +fiddlestick! + KO. And you're just as bad as he is with your cock-- +and-a-bull stories about catching his eye and his whistling an +air. But that's so like you! You must put in your oar! + POOH. But how about your big right arm? + PITTI. Yes, and your snickersnee! + KO. Well, well, never mind that now. There's only one +thing to be done. Nanki-Poo hasn't started yet--he must come to +life again at once. (Enter Nanki-Poo and Yum-Yum prepared for +journey.) Here he comes. Here, Nanki-Poo, I've good news for +you--you're reprieved. + NANK. Oh, but it's too late. I'm a dead man, and I'm off +for my honeymoon. + KO. Nonsense! A terrible thing has just happened. It +seems you're the son of the Mikado. + NANK. Yes, but that happened some time ago. + KO. Is this a time for airy persiflage? Your father is +here, and with Katisha! + NANK. My father! And with Katisha! + KO. Yes, he wants you particularly. + POOH. So does she. + YUM. Oh, but he's married now. + KO. But, bless my heart! what has that to do with it? + NANK. Katisha claims me in marriage, but I can't marry her +because I'm married already--consequently she will insist on my +execution, and if I'm executed, my wife will have to be buried +alive. + YUM. You see our difficulty. + KO. Yes. I don't know what's to be done. + NANK. There's one chance for you. If you could persuade +Katisha to marry you, she would have no further claim on me, and +in that case I could come to life without any fear of being put +to death. + KO. I marry Katisha! + YUM. I really think it's the only course. + KO. But, my good girl, have you seen her? She's something +appalling! + PITTI. Ah! that's only her face. She has a left elbow +which people come miles to see! + POOH. I am told that her right heel is much admired by +connoisseurs. + KO. My good sir, I decline to pin my heart upon any lady's +right heel. + NANK. It comes to this: While Katisha is single, I prefer +to be a disembodied spirit. When Katisha is married, existence +will be as welcome as the flowers in spring. + + DUET--NANKI-POO and KO-KO. + + (With YUM-YUM, PITTI-SING, and POOH-BAH.) + +NANK. The flowers that bloom in the spring, + Tra la, + Breathe promise of merry sunshine-- + As we merrily dance and we sing, + Tra la, + We welcome the hope that they bring, + Tra la, + Of a summer of roses and wine. + And that's what we mean when we say that a + thing + Is welcome as flowers that bloom in the + spring. + Tra la la la la la, etc. + +ALL. Tra la la la, etc. + +KO. The flowers that bloom in the spring, + Tra la, + Have nothing to do with the case. + I've got to take under my wing, + Tra la, + A most unattractive old thing, + Tra la, + With a caricature of a face + And that's what I mean when I say, or I sing, + "Oh, bother the flowers that bloom in the spring." + Tra la la la la la, etc. + +ALL. Tra la la la, Tra la la la, etc. + +[Dance and exeunt Nanki-Poo, Yum-Yum, Pooh-Bah, Pitti-Sing, and +Ko-Ko. + + Enter Katisha. + + RECITATIVE and SONG.--KATISHA. + + Alone, and yet alive! Oh, sepulchre! + My soul is still my body's prisoner! + Remote the peace that Death alone can give-- + My doom, to wait! my punishment, to live! + + SONG. + + Hearts do not break! + They sting and ache + For old love's sake, + But do not die, + Though with each breath + They long for death + As witnesseth + The living I! + Oh, living I! + Come, tell me why, + When hope is gone, + Dost thou stay on? + Why linger here, + Where all is drear? + Oh, living I! + Come, tell me why, + When hope is gone, + Dost thou stay on? + May not a cheated maiden die? + + KO. (entering and approaching her timidly). Katisha! + KAT. The miscreant who robbed me of my love! But vengeance +pursues--they are heating the cauldron! + KO. Katisha--behold a suppliant at your feet! +Katisha--mercy! + KAT. Mercy? Had you mercy on him? See here, you! You +have slain my love. He did not love me, but he would have loved +me in time. I am an acquired taste--only the educated palate can +appreciate me. I was educating his palate when he left me. +Well, he is dead, and where shall I find another? It takes years +to train a man to love me. Am I to go through the weary round +again, and, at the same time, implore mercy for you who robbed me +of my prey--I mean my pupil--just as his education was on the +point of completion? Oh, where shall I find another? + KO. (suddenly, and with great vehemence). Here!--Here! + KAT. What!!! + KO. (with intense passion). Katisha, for years I have +loved you with a white-hot passion that is slowly but surely +consuming my very vitals! Ah, shrink not from me! If there is +aught of woman's mercy in your heart, turn not away from a +love-sick suppliant whose every fibre thrills at your tiniest +touch! True it is that, under a poor mask of disgust, I have +endeavoured to conceal a passion whose inner fires are broiling +the soul within me! But the fire will not be smothered--it +defies all attempts at extinction, and, breaking forth, all the +more eagerly for its long restraint, it declares itself in words +that will not be weighed--that cannot be schooled--that should +not be too severely criticised. Katisha, I dare not hope for +your love--but I will not live without it! Darling! + KAT. You, whose hands still reek with the blood of my +betrothed, dare to address words of passion to the woman you have +so foully wronged! + KO. I do--accept my love, or I perish on the spot! + KAT. Go to! Who knows so well as I that no one ever yet +died of a broken heart! + KO. You know not what you say. Listen! + + SONG--KO-KO. + + On a tree by a river a little tom-tit + Sang "Willow, titwillow, titwillow!" + And I said to him, "Dicky-bird, why do you sit + Singing Willow, titwillow, titwillow'?" + "Is it weakness of intellect, birdie?" I cried, + "Or a rather tough worm in your little inside?" + With a shake of his poor little head, he replied, + "Oh, willow, titwillow, titwillow!" + + He slapped at his chest, as he sat on that bough, + Singing "Willow, titwillow, titwillow!" + And a cold perspiration bespangled his brow, + Oh, willow, titwillow, titwillow! + He sobbed and he sighed, and a gurgle he gave, + Then he plunged himself into the billowy wave, + And an echo arose from the suicide's grave-- + "Oh, willow, titwillow, titwillow!" + + Now I feel just as sure as I'm sure that my name + Isn't Willow, titwillow, titwillow, + That 'twas blighted affection that made him exclaim + "Oh, willow, titwillow, titwillow!" + And if you remain callous and obdurate, I + Shall perish as he did, and you will know why, + Though I probably shall not exclaim as I die, + "Oh, willow, titwillow, titwillow!" + +(During this song Katisha has been greatly affected, and at the + end is almost in tears.) + + KAT. (whimpering). Did he really die of love? + KO. He really did. + KAT. All on account of a cruel little hen? + KO. Yes. + KAT. Poor little chap! + KO. It's an affecting tale, and quite true. I knew the +bird intimately. + KAT. Did you? He must have been very fond of her. + KO. His devotion was something extraordinary. + KAT. (still whimpering). Poor little chap! And--and if I +refuse you, will you go and do the same? + KO. At once. + KAT. No, no--you mustn't! Anything but that! (Falls on +his breast.) Oh, I'm a silly little goose! + KO. (making a wry face). You are! + KAT. And you won't hate me because I'm just a little teeny +weeny wee bit bloodthirsty, will you? + KO. Hate you? Oh, Katisha! is there not beauty even in +bloodthirstiness? + KAT. My idea exactly. + + DUET--KATISHA and KO-KO. + +KAT. There is beauty in the bellow of the blast, + There is grandeur in the growling of the gale, + There is eloquent outpouring + When the lion is a-roaring, + And the tiger is a-lashing of his tail! +KO. Yes, I like to see a tiger + From the Congo or the Niger, + And especially when lashing of his tail! +KAT. Volcanoes have a splendor that is grim, + And earthquakes only terrify the dolts, + But to him who's scientific + There's nothing that's terrific + In the falling of a flight of thunderbolts! +KO. Yes, in spite of all my meekness, + If I have a little weakness, + It's a passion for a flight of thunderbolts! + +BOTH. If that is so, + Sing derry down derry! + It's evident, very, + Our tastes are one. + Away we'll go, + And merrily marry, + Nor tardily tarry + Till day is done! + +KO. There is beauty in extreme old age-- + Do you fancy you are elderly enough? + Information I'm requesting + On a subject interesting: + Is a maiden all the better when she's tough? +KAT. Throughout this wide dominion + It's the general opinion + That she'll last a good deal longer when she's + tough. + +KO. Are you old enough to marry, do you think? + Won't you wait till you are eighty in the shade? + There's a fascination frantic + In a ruin that's romantic; + Do you think you are sufficiently decayed? +KAT. To the matter that you mention + I have given some attention, + And I think I am sufficiently decayed. + +BOTH. If that is so, + Sing derry down derry! + It's evident, very, + Our tastes are one! + Away we'll go, + And merrily marry, + Nor tardily tarry + Till day is done! + [Exeunt +together. + +Flourish. Enter the Mikado, attended by Pish-Tush and Court. + + MIK. Now then, we've had a capital lunch, and we're quite +ready. Have all the painful preparations been made? + PISH. Your Majesty, all is prepared. + MIK. Then produce the unfortunate gentleman and his two +well-meaning but misguided accomplices. + +Enter Ko-Ko, Katisha, Pooh-Bah, and Pitti-Sing. They throw +themselves + at the Mikado's feet + + KAT. Mercy! Mercy for Ko-Ko! Mercy for Pitti-Sing! Mercy +even for Pooh-Bah! + MIK. I beg your pardon, I don't think I quite caught that +remark. + POOH. Mercy even for Pooh-Bah. + KAT. Mercy! My husband that was to have been is dead, and +I have just married this miserable object. + MIK. Oh! You've not been long about it! + KO. We were married before the Registrar. + POOH. I am the Registrar. + MIK. I see. But my difficulty is that, as you have slain +the Heir Apparent---- + +Enter Nanki-Poo and Yum-Yum. They kneel. + + NANK. The Heir Apparent is not slain. + MIK. Bless my heart, my son! + YUM. And your daughter-in-law elected! + KAT. (seizing Ko-Ko). Traitor, you have deceived me! + MIK. Yes, you are entitled to a little explanation, but I +think he will give it better whole than in pieces. + KO. Your Majesty, it's like this: It is true that I stated +that I had killed Nanki-Poo---- + MIK. Yes, with most affecting particulars. + POOH. Merely corroborative detail intended to give artistic +verisimilitude to a bald and---- + KO. Will you refrain from putting in your oar? (To +Mikado.) It's like this: When your Majesty says, "Let a thing be +done," it's as good as done--practically, it is done--because +your Majesty's will is law. Your Majesty says, "Kill a +gentleman," and a gentleman is told off to be killed. +Consequently, that gentleman is as good as dead--practically, he +is dead--and if he is dead, why not say so? + MIK. I see. Nothing could possibly be more satisfactory! + + FINALE. + +PITTI. For he's gone and married Yum-Yum-- +ALL. Yum-Yum! +PITTI. Your anger pray bury, + For all will be merry, + I think you had better succumb-- +ALL. Cumb--cumb. +PITTI. And join our expressions of glee! +KO. On this subject I pray you be dumb-- +ALL. Dumb--dumb! +KO. Your notions, though many, + Are not worth a penny, + The word for your guidance is "Mum"-- +ALL. Mum--Mum! +KO. You've a very good bargain in me. +ALL. On this subject we pray you be dumb-- + Dumb--dumb! + We think you had better succumb-- + Cumb--cumb! + You'll find there are many + Who'll wed for a penny, + There are lots of good fish in the sea. +YUM. and NANK. The threatened cloud has passed away, + And brightly shines the dawning day; + What though the night may come too soon, + We've years and years of afternoon! +ALL. Then let the throng + Our joy advance, + With laughing song + And merry dance, + With joyous shout and ringing cheer, + Inaugurate our new career! + Then let the throng, etc. + + + CURTAIN. + + THE PIRATES OF PENZANCE + + OR + + THE SLAVE OF DUTY + + + DRAMATIS PERSONAE + +MAJOR-GENERAL STANLEY + +THE PIRATE KING + +SAMUEL (his Lieutenant) + +SERGEANT OF POLICE + +MABEL, EDITH, KATE, and ISABEL (General Stanley's Daughters) + +RUTH (a Pirate Maid of all Work) + +Chorus of Pirates, Police, and General Stanley's Daughters + + + ACT I + + A rocky sea-shore on the coast of Cornwall + + ACT II + + A ruined chapel by moonlight + + + First produced at the Op-ra Comique on April 3, 1880 + + + ACT I + +(Scene.-A rocky seashore on the coast of Cornwall. In the +distance is a calm sea, on which a schooner is lying at anchor. +Rock L. sloping down to L.C. of stage. Under these rocks is a +cavern, the entrance to which is seen at first entrance L. A +natural arch of rock occupies the R.C. of the stage. As the +curtain rises groups of pirates are discovered -- some drinking, +some playing cards. SAMUEL, the Pirate Lieutenant, is going from +one group to another, filling the cups from a flask. FREDERIC is +seated in a despondent attitude at the back of the scene. RUTH +kneels at his feet.) + + OPENING CHORUS + +ALL: Pour, O pour the pirate sherry; + Fill, O fill the pirate glass; + And, to make us more than merry + Let the pirate bumper pass. + +SAMUEL: For today our pirate 'prentice + Rises from indentures freed; + Strong his arm, and keen his scent is + He's a pirate now indeed! + +ALL: Here's good luck to Fred'ric's ventures! + Fred'ric's out of his indentures. + +SAMUEL: Two and twenty, now he's rising, + And alone he's fit to fly, + Which we're bent on signalizing + With unusual revelry. + +ALL: Here's good luck to Fred'ric's ventures! + Fred'ric's out of his indentures. + Pour, O pour the pirate sherry; + Fill, O fill the pirate glass; + And, to make us more than merry + Let the pirate bumper pass. + +(FREDERIC rises and comes forward with PIRATE KING, who enters) + +KING: Yes, Frederic, from to-day you rank as a full-blown + member of our band. +ALL: Hurrah! +FREDERIC: My friends, I thank you all, from my heart, for your + kindly wishes. Would that I could repay them as they + deserve! +KING: What do you mean? +FREDERIC: To-day I am out of my indentures, and to-day I leave + you for ever. +KING: But this is quite unaccountable; a keener hand at + scuttling a Cunarder or cutting out a White Star never + shipped a handspike. +FREDERIC: Yes, I have done my best for you. And why? It was my + duty under my indentures, and I am the slave of duty. + As a child I was regularly apprenticed to your band. + It was through an error -- no matter, the mistake was + ours, not yours, and I was in honour bound by it. +SAMUEL: An error? What error? (RUTH rises and comes forward) +FREDERIC: I may not tell you; it would reflect upon my well-loved + Ruth. +RUTH: Nay, dear master, my mind has long been gnawed by the + cankering tooth of mystery. Better have it out at + once. + + SONG -- RUTH + +RUTH: When Frederic was a little lad he proved so brave and + daring, + His father thought he'd 'prentice him to some career + seafaring. + I was, alas! his nurs'rymaid, and so it fell to my lot + To take and bind the promising boy apprentice to a + pilot -- + A life not bad for a hardy lad, though surely not a + high lot, + Though I'm a nurse, you might do worse than make your + boy a pilot. + I was a stupid nurs'rymaid, on breakers always + steering, + And I did not catch the word aright, through being hard + of hearing; + Mistaking my instructions, which within my brain did + gyrate, + I took and bound this promising boy apprentice to a + pirate. + A sad mistake it was to make and doom him to a vile + lot. + I bound him to a pirate -- you! -- instead of to a + pilot. + I soon found out, beyond all doubt, the scope of this + disaster, + But I hadn't the face to return to my place, and break + it to my master. + A nurs'rymaid is not afraid of what you people call + work, + So I made up my mind to go as a kind of piratical maid- + of-all-work. + And that is how you find me now, a member of your shy + lot, + Which you wouldn't have found, had he been bound + apprentice to a pilot. +RUTH: Oh, pardon! Frederic, pardon! (Kneels) +FREDERIC: Rise, sweet one, I have long pardoned you. (Ruth + rises) +RUTH: The two words were so much alike! +FREDERIC: They were. They still are, though years have rolled + over their heads. But this afternoon my obligation + ceases. Individually, I love you all with affection + unspeakable; but, collectively, I look upon you with a + disgust that amounts to absolute detestation. Oh! pity + me, my beloved friends, for such is my sense of duty + that, once out of my indentures, I shall feel myself + bound to devote myself heart and soul to your + extermination! +ALL: Poor lad -- poor lad! (All weep) +KING: Well, Frederic, if you conscientiously feel that it is + your duty to destroy us, we cannot blame you for acting + on that conviction. Always act in accordance with the + dictates of your conscience, my boy, and chance the + consequences. +SAMUEL: Besides, we can offer you but little temptation to + remain with us. We don't seem to make piracy pay. I'm + sure I don't know why, but we don't. +FREDERIC: I know why, but, alas! I mustn't tell you; it wouldn't + be right. +KING: Why not, my boy? It's only half-past eleven, and you + are one of us until the clock strikes twelve. +SAMUEL: True, and until then you are bound to protect our + interests. +ALL: Hear, hear! +FREDERIC: Well, then, it is my duty, as a pirate, to tell you + that you are too tender-hearted. For instance, you + make a point of never attacking a weaker party than + yourselves, and when you attack a stronger party you + invariably get thrashed. +KING: There is some truth in that. +FREDERIC: Then, again, you make a point of never molesting an + orphan! +SAMUEL: Of course: we are orphans ourselves, and know what it + is. +FREDERIC: Yes, but it has got about, and what is the consequence? + Every one we capture says he's an orphan. The last + three ships we took proved to be manned entirely by + orphans, and so we had to let them go. One would think + that Great Britain's mercantile navy was recruited + solely from her orphan asylums -- which we know is not + the case. +SAMUEL: But, hang it all! you wouldn't have us absolutely + merciless? +FREDERIC: There's my difficulty; until twelve o'clock I would, + after twelve I wouldn't. Was ever a man placed in so + delicate a situation? +RUTH: And Ruth, your own Ruth, whom you love so well, and who + has won her middle-aged way into your boyish heart, + what is to become of her? +KING: Oh, he will take you with him. +FREDERIC: Well, Ruth, I feel some difficulty about you. It is + true that I admire you very much, but I have been + constantly at sea since I was eight years old, and + yours is the only woman's face I have seen during that + time. I think it is a sweet face. +RUTH: It is -- oh, it is! +FREDERIC: I say I think it is; that is my impression. But as I + have never had an opportunity of comparing you with + other women, it is just possible I may be mistaken. +KING: True. +FREDERIC: What a terrible thing it would be if I were to marry + this innocent person, and then find out that she is, on + the whole, plain! +KING: Oh, Ruth is very well, very well indeed. +SAMUEL: Yes, there are the remains of a fine woman about Ruth. +FREDERIC: Do you really think so? +SAMUEL: I do. +FREDERIC: Then I will not be so selfish as to take her from you. + In justice to her, and in consideration for you, I will + leave her behind. (Hands RUTH to KING) +KING: No, Frederic, this must not be. We are rough men, who + lead a rough life, but we are not so utterly heartless + as to deprive thee of thy love. I think I am right in + saying that there is not one here who would rob thee of + this inestimable treasure for all the world holds dear. +ALL: (loudly) Not one! +KING: No, I thought there wasn't. Keep thy love, Frederic, + keep thy love. (Hands her back to FREDERIC) +FREDERIC: You're very good, I'm sure. (Exit RUTH) +KING: Well, it's the top of the tide, and we must be off. + Farewell, Frederic. When your process of extermination + begins, let our deaths be as swift and painless as you + can conveniently make them. +FREDERIC: I will! By the love I have for you, I swear it! Would + that you could render this extermination unnecessary by + accompanying me back to civilization! +KING: No, Frederic, it cannot be. I don't think much of our + profession, but, contrasted with respectability, it is + comparatively honest. No, Frederic, I shall live and + die a Pirate King. + + SONG -- PIRATE KING + +KING: Oh, better far to live and die + Under the brave black flag I fly, + Than play a sanctimonious part + With a pirate head and a pirate heart. + Away to the cheating world go you, + Where pirates all are well-to-do; + But I'll be true to the song I sing, + And live and die a Pirate King. + For I am a Pirate King! + And it is, it is a glorious thing + To be a Pirate King! + For I am a Pirate King! +ALL: You are! + Hurrah for the Pirate King! +KING: And it is, it is a glorious thing + To be a Pirate King. +ALL: It is! + Hurrah for the Pirate King! + Hurrah for the Pirate King! +KING: When I sally forth to seek my prey + I help myself in a royal way. + I sink a few more ships, it's true, + Than a well-bred monarch ought to do; + But many a king on a first-class throne, + If he wants to call his crown his own, + Must manage somehow to get through + More dirty work than e'er I do, + For I am a Pirate King! + And it is, it is a glorious thing + To be a Pirate King! + For I am a Pirate King! +ALL: You are! + Hurrah for the Pirate King! +KING: And it is, it is a glorious thing + To be a Pirate King. +ALL: It is! + Hurrah for the Pirate King! + Hurrah for the Pirate King! + + (Exeunt all except FREDERIC. Enter RUTH.) + +RUTH: Oh, take me with you! I cannot live if I am left + behind. +FREDERIC: Ruth, I will be quite candid with you. You are very + dear to me, as you know, but I must be circumspect. + You see, you are considerably older than I. A lad of + twenty-one usually looks for a wife of seventeen. +RUTH: A wife of seventeen! You will find me a wife of a + thousand! +FREDERIC: No, but I shall find you a wife of forty-seven, and + that is quite enough. Ruth, tell me candidly and + without reserve: compared with other women, how are + you? +RUTH: I will answer you truthfully, master: I have a slight + cold, but otherwise I am quite well. +FREDERIC: I am sorry for your cold, but I was referring rather to + your personal appearance. Compared with other women, + are you beautiful? +RUTH: (bashfully) I have been told so, dear master. +FREDERIC: Ah, but lately? +RUTH: Oh, no; years and years ago. +FREDERIC: What do you think of yourself? +RUTH: It is a delicate question to answer, but I think I am a + fine woman. +FREDERIC: That is your candid opinion? +RUTH: Yes, I should be deceiving you if I told you otherwise. +FREDERIC: Thank you, Ruth. I believe you, for I am sure you + would not practice on my inexperience. I wish to do + the right thing, and if- I say if- you are really a + fine woman, your age shall be no obstacle to our union! + (Shakes hands with her. Chorus of girls heard in the + distance, "climbing over rocky mountain," etc.) Hark! + Surely I hear voices! Who has ventured to approach our + all but inaccessible lair? Can it be Custom House? No, + it does not sound like Custom House. +RUTH: (aside) Confusion! it is the voices of young girls! + If he should see them I am lost. +FREDERIC: (looking off) By all that's marvellous, a bevy of + beautiful maidens! +RUTH: (aside) Lost! lost! lost! +FREDERIC: How lovely, how surpassingly lovely is the plainest of + them! What grace- what delicacy- what refinement! And + Ruth-- Ruth told me she was beautiful! + + RECITATIVE + +FREDERIC: Oh, false one, you have deceived me! +RUTH: I have deceived you? +FREDERIC: Yes, deceived me! + (Denouncing her.) +FREDERIC: You told me you were fair as gold! +RUTH: (wildly) And, master, am I not so? +FREDERIC: And now I see you're plain and old. +RUTH: I'm sure I'm not a jot so. +FREDERIC: Upon my innocence you play. +RUTH: I'm not the one to plot so. +FREDERIC: Your face is lined, your hair is grey. +RUTH: It's gradually got so. +FREDERIC: Faithless woman, to deceive me, + I who trusted so! +RUTH: Master, master, do not leave me! + Hear me, ere you go! + My love without reflecting, + Oh, do not be rejecting! + Take a maiden tender, her affection raw and green, + At very highest rating, + Has been accumulating + Summers seventeen, summers seventeen. + Don't, beloved master, + Crush me with disaster. + What is such a dower to the dower I have here? + My love unabating + Has been accumulating + Forty-seven year--forty-seven year! + + ENSEMBLE + + RUTH FREDERIC + + Don't, beloved master, Yes, your former master + Crush me with disaster. Saves you from disaster. +What is such a dower to the Your love would be uncomfortably + dower I have here fervid, it is clear + My love unabating If, as you are stating + Has been accumulating It's been accumulating +Forty-seven year, forty-seven Forty-seven year--forty-seven year! + year! Faithless woman to deceive me, I + who trusted so! +Master, master, do not leave Faithless woman to deceive me, I + me, hear me, ere I go! who trusted so! + + RECIT--FREDERIC + + What shall I do? Before these gentle maidens + I dare not show in this alarming costume! + No, no, I must remain in close concealment + Until I can appear in decent clothing! + +(Hides in cave as they enter climbing over the rocks and through + arched rock) + +GIRLS: Climbing over rocky mountain, + Skipping rivulet and fountain, + Passing where the willows quiver, + Passing where the willows quiver + By the ever-rolling river, + Swollen with the summer rain, the summer rain + Threading long and leafy mazes + Dotted with unnumbered daisies, + Dotted, dotted with unnumbered daisies, + Scaling rough and rugged passes, + Climb the hardy little lasses, + Till the bright sea-shore they gain; + Scaling rough and rugged passes, + Climb the hardy little lasses, + Till the bright sea-shore they gain! + +EDITH: Let us gaily tread the measure, + Make the most of fleeting leisure, + Hail it as a true ally, + Though it perish by-and-by. + +GIRLS: Hail it as a true ally, + Though it perish by-and-by. + +EDITH: Every moment brings a treasure + Of its own especial pleasure; + Though the moments quickly die, + Greet them gaily as they fly, + Greet them gaily as they fly. + +GIRLS: Though the moments quickly die, + Greet them gaily as they fly. + +KATE: Far away from toil and care, + Revelling in fresh sea-air, + Here we live and reign alone + In a world that's all our own. + Here, in this our rocky den, + Far away from mortal men, + We'll be queens, and make decrees-- + They may honour them who please. + +GIRLS: We'll be queens, and make decrees-- + They may honour them who please. + Let us gaily tread the measure, etc. + +KATE: What a picturesque spot! I wonder where we are! +EDITH: And I wonder where Papa is. We have left him ever so + far behind. +ISABEL: Oh, he will be here presently! Remember poor Papa is + not as young as we are, and we came over a rather + difficult country. +KATE: But how thoroughly delightful it is to be so entirely + alone! Why, in all probability we are the first human + beings who ever set foot on this enchanting spot. +ISABEL: Except the mermaids--it's the very place for mermaids. +KATE: Who are only human beings down to the waist-- +EDITH: And who can't be said strictly to set foot anywhere. + Tails they may, but feet they cannot. +KATE: But what shall we do until Papa and the servants arrive + with the luncheon? +EDITH: We are quite alone, and the sea is as smooth as glass. + Suppose we take off our shoes and stockings and paddle? +ALL: Yes, yes! The very thing! (They prepare to carry, out + the suggestion. They have all taken off one shoe, when + FREDERIC comes forward from cave.) + +FREDERIC: (recitative). Stop, ladies, pray! +GIRLS: (Hopping on one foot) A man! +FREDERIC: I had intended + Not to intrude myself upon your notice + In this effective but alarming costume; + But under these peculiar circumstances, + It is my bounden duty to inform you + That your proceedings will not be unwitnessed! +EDITH: But who are you, sir? Speak! (All hopping) +FREDERIC: I am a pirate! +GIRLS: (recoiling, hopping) A pirate! Horror! +FREDERIC: Ladies, do not shun me! + This evening I renounce my vile profession; + And, to that end, O pure and peerless maidens! + Oh, blushing buds of ever-blooming beauty! + I, sore at heart, implore your kind assistance. +EDITH: How pitiful his tale! +KATE: How rare his beauty +GIRLS: How pitiful his tale! How rare his beauty! + + SONG--FREDERIC + + Oh, is there not one maiden breast + Which does not feel the moral beauty + Of making worldly interest + Subordinate to sense of duty? + + Who would not give up willingly + All matrimonial ambition, + To rescue such a one as I + From his unfortunate position? + From his position, + To rescue such an one as I + From his unfortunate position? + +GIRLS: Alas! there's not one maiden breast + Which seems to feel the moral beauty + Of making worldly interest + Subordinate to sense of duty! + +FREDERIC: Oh, is there not one maiden here + Whose homely face and bad complexion + Have caused all hope to disappear + Of ever winning man's affection? + Of such a one, if such there be, + I swear by Heaven's arch above you, + If you will cast your eyes on me, + However plain you be, I'll love you, + However plain you be, + If you will cast your eyes on me, + However plain you be I'll love you, + I'll love you, I'll love, I'll love you! + +GIRLS: Alas! there's not one maiden here + Whose homely face and bad complexion + Have caused all hope to disappear + Of ever winning man's affection! + +FREDERIC: (in despair) Not one? +GIRLS: No, no-- not one! +FREDERIC: Not one? +GIRLS: No, no! +MABEL: (enters through arch) Yes, one! + Yes, one! +GIRLS: 'Tis Mabel! +MABEL: Yes, 'tis Mabel! + + RECIT--MABEL + + Oh, sisters, deaf to pity's name, + For shame! + It's true that he has gone astray, + But pray + Is that a reason good and true + Why you + Should all be deaf to pity's name? + +GIRLS: (aside): The question is, had he not been + A thing of beauty, + Would she be swayed by quite as keen + A sense of duty? + +MABEL: For shame, for shame, for shame! + + SONG--MABEL + +MABEL: Poor wand'ring one! + Though thou hast surely strayed, + Take heart of grace, + Thy steps retrace, + Poor wand'ring one! + Poor wand'ring one! + If such poor love as mine + Can help thee find + True peace of mind- + Why, take it, it is thine! + +GIRLS: Take heart, no danger low'rs; + Take any heart but ours! + +MABEL: Take heart, fair days will shine; + Take any heart--take mine! + +GIRLS: Take heart; no danger low'rs; + Take any heart-but ours! + +MABEL: Take heart, fair days will shine; + Take any heart--take mine! + Poor wand'ring one!, etc. + +(MABEL and FREDERIC go to mouth of cave and converse. EDITH + beckons her sisters, who form a semicircle around her.) + + EDITH + + What ought we to do, + Gentle sisters, say? + Propriety, we know, + Says we ought to stay; + While sympathy exclaims, + "Free them from your tether-- + Play at other games-- + Leave them here together." + + KATE + + Her case may, any day, + Be yours, my dear, or mine. + Let her make her hay + While the sun doth shine. + Let us compromise + (Our hearts are not of leather): + Let us shut our eyes + And talk about the weather. + +GIRLS: Yes, yes, let's talk about the weather. + + Chattering chorus + + How beautifully blue the sky, + The glass is rising very high, + Continue fine I hope it may, + And yet it rained but yesterday. + To-morrow it may pour again + (I hear the country wants some rain), + Yet people say, I know not why, + That we shall have a warm July. + To-morrow it may pour again + (I hear the country wants some rain), + Yet people say, I know not why, + That we shall have a warm July. + + Enter MABEL and FREDERIC + +.During MABEL's solo the GIRLS continue chatter pianissimo, but + listening eagerly all the time. + + SOLO--MABEL + + Did ever maiden wake + From dream of homely duty, + To find her daylight break + With such exceeding beauty? + Did ever maiden close + Her eyes on waking sadness, + To dream of such exceeding gladness? + +FREDERIC: Ah, yes! ah, yes! this is exceeding gladness +GIRLS: How beautifully blue the sky, etc. + + SOLO--FREDERIC + +.During this, GIRLS continue their chatter pianissimo as before, + but listening intently all the time. + + Did ever pirate roll + His soul in guilty dreaming, + And wake to find that soul + With peace and virtue beaming? + + ENSEMBLE + + FREDERIC MABEL GIRLS + +Did ever pirate Did ever maiden wake How beautifully blue + loathed From dream of homely the sky, etc. +Forsake his hideous duty, + mission To find her daylight +To find himself break + betrothed With such exceeding +To lady of position? beauty? + + RECIT--FREDERIC + + Stay, we must not lose our senses; + Men who stick at no offences + Will anon be here! + Piracy their dreadful trade is; + Pray you, get you hence, young ladies, + While the coast is clear + (FREDERIC and MABEL retire) + +GIRLS: No, we must not lose our senses, + If they stick at no offences + We should not be here! + Piracy their dreadful trade is-- + Nice companions for young ladies! + Let us disap--. + +(During this chorus the PIRATES have entered stealthily, and + formed in a semicircle behind the GIRLS. As the GIRLS move + to go off, each PIRATE seizes a GIRL. KING seizes EDITH and + ISABEL, SAMUEL seizes KATE.) + +GIRLS: Too late! +PIRATES: Ha, ha! +GIRLS: Too late! +PIRATES: Ho, ho! + Ha, ha, ha, ha! Ho, ho, ho, ho! + + ENSEMBLE + +(Pirates pass in front of (Girls pass in front of + Girls.) Pirates.) + + PIRATES GIRLS + +Here's a first-rate opportunity We have missed our opportunity +To get married with impunity, Of escaping with impunity; +And indulge in the felicity So farewell to the felicity +Of unbounded domesticity. Of our maiden domesticity! +You shall quickly be We shall quickly be + parsonified, parsonified, +Conjugally matrimonified, Conjugally matrimonified, +By a doctor of divinity By a doctor of divinity, +Who is located in this Who is located in this + vicinity. vicinity. +By a doctor of divinity, By a doctor of divinity, +Who resides in this vicinity, Who resides in this vicinity, +By a doctor, a doctor, a doctor By a doctor, a doctor, a doctor + of divinity, of divinity. of divinity, of divinity. + + + RECIT + +MABEL: (coming forward) Hold, monsters! Ere your pirate + caravanserai + Proceed, against our will, to wed us all, + Just bear in mind that we are Wards in Chancery, + And father is a Major-General! + +SAMUEL: (cowed) We'd better pause, or danger may befall, + Their father is a Major-General. + +GIRLS: Yes, yes; he is a Major-General! + +(The MAJOR-GENERAL has entered unnoticed, on the rock) + +GENERAL: Yes, yes, I am a Major-General! +SAMUEL: For he is a Major-General! +ALL: He is! Hurrah for the Major-General! +GENERAL: And it is, it is a glorious thing + To be a Major-General! +ALL: It is! Hurrah for the Major-General! + Hurrah for the Major-General! + + SONG--MAJOR-GENERAL + + I am the very model of a modern Major-General, + I've information vegetable, animal, and mineral, + I know the kings of England, and I quote the fights + historical + From Marathon to Waterloo, in order categorical; + I'm very well acquainted, too, with matters + mathematical, + I understand equations, both the simple and + quadratical, + About binomial theorem I'm teeming with a lot o' news, + With many cheerful facts about the square of the + hypotenuse. + +ALL: With many cheerful facts, etc. + +GENERAL: I'm very good at integral and differential calculus; + I know the scientific names of beings animalculous: + In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral, + I am the very model of a modern Major-General. + +ALL: In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral, + He is the very model of a modern Major-General. + +GENERAL: I know our mythic history, King Arthur's and Sir + Caradoc's; + I answer hard acrostics, I've a pretty taste for + paradox, + I quote in elegiacs all the crimes of Heliogabalus, + In conics I can floor peculiarities parabolous; + I can tell undoubted Raphaels from Gerard Dows and + Zoffanies, + I know the croaking chorus from the Frogs of + Aristophanes! + Then I can hum a fugue of which I've heard the music's + din afore, + And whistle all the airs from that infernal nonsense + Pinafore. + +ALL: And whistle all the airs, etc. + +GENERAL: Then I can write a washing bill in + Babylonic cuneiform, + And tell you ev'ry detail of Caractacus's uniform: + In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral, + I am the very model of a modern Major-General. + +ALL: In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral, + He is the very model of a modern Major-General. + +GENERAL: In fact, when I know what is meant by "mamelon" and + "ravelin", + When I can tell at sight a Mauser rifle from a javelin, + When such affairs as sorties and surprises I'm more + wary at, + And when I know precisely what is meant by + "commissariat", + When I have learnt what progress has been made in + modern gunnery, + When I know more of tactics than a novice in a nunnery- + - + In short, when I've a smattering of elemental strategy, + You'll say a better Major-General has never sat a gee. + +ALL: You'll say a better Major-General, etc. + +GENERAL: For my military knowledge, though I'm plucky and + adventury, + Has only been brought down to the beginning of the + century; + But still, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral, + I am the very model of a modern Major-General. + +ALL: But still, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral, + He is the very model of a modern Major-General. + +GENERAL: And now that I've introduced myself, I should like to + have some idea of what's going on. +KATE: Oh, Papa-- we--- +SAMUEL: Permit me, I'll explain in two words: we propose to + marry your daughters. +GENERAL: Dear me! +GIRLS: Against our wills, Papa--against our wills! +GENERAL: Oh, but you mustn't do that! May I ask-- this is a + picturesque uniform, but I'm not familiar with it. + What are you? +KING: We are all single gentlemen. +GENERAL: Yes, I gathered that. Anything else? +KING: No, nothing else. +EDITH: Papa, don't believe them; they are pirates-- the + famous Pirates of Penzance! +GENERAL: The Pirates of Penzance! I have often heard of them. +MABEL: All except this gentleman (indicating FREDERIC), who + was a pirate once, but who is out of his indentures to- + day, and who means to lead a blameless life evermore. +GENERAL: But wait a bit. I object to pirates as sons-in-law. +KING: We object to major-generals as fathers-in-law. But we + waive that point. We do not press it. We look over it. +GENERAL: (aside) Hah! an idea! (aloud) And do you mean to say + that you would deliberately rob me of these, the sole + remaining props of my old age, and leave me to go + through the remainder of my life unfriended, + unprotected, and alone? +KING: Well, yes, that's the idea. +GENERAL: Tell me, have you ever known what it is to be an + orphan? +PIRATES: (disgusted) Oh, dash it all! +KING: Here we are again! +GENERAL: I ask you, have you ever known what it is to be an + orphan? +KING: Often! +GENERAL: Yes, orphan. Have you ever known what it is to be one? +KING: I say, often. +ALL: (disgusted) Often, often, often. (Turning away) +GENERAL: I don't think we quite understand one another. I ask + you, have you ever known what it is to be an orphan, + and you say "orphan". As I understand you, you are + merely repeating the word "orphan" to show that you + understand me. +KING: I didn't repeat the word often. +GENERAL: Pardon me, you did indeed. +KING: I only repeated it once. +GENERAL: True, but you repeated it. +KING: But not often. +GENERAL: Stop! I think I see where we are getting confused. + When you said "orphan", did you mean "orphan",a person + who has lost his parents, or "often", frequently? +KING: Ah! I beg pardon-- I see what you mean -- frequently. +GENERAL: Ah! you said "often", frequently. +KING: No, only once. +GENERAL: (irritated) Exactly-- you said "often", frequently, + only once. + + FINALE OF ACT I + +GENERAL: Oh, men of dark and dismal fate, + Forgo your cruel employ, + Have pity on my lonely state, + I am an orphan boy! +KING/SAMUEL: An orphan boy? +GENERAL: An orphan boy! +PIRATES: How sad, an orphan boy. + +GENERAL: These children whom you see + Are all that I can call my own! +PIRATES: Poor fellow! +GENERAL: Take them away from me, + And I shall be indeed alone. +PIRATES: Poor fellow! +GENERAL: If pity you can feel, + Leave me my sole remaining joy-- + See, at your feet they kneel; + Your hearts you cannot steel + Against the sad, sad tale of the lonely orphan boy! +PIRATES: (sobbing) Poor fellow! + See at our feet they kneel; + Our hearts we cannot steel + Against the sad, sad tale of the lonely orphan boy! +SAMUEL: The orphan boy! +add KING: The orphan boy! + See at our feet they kneel; + Our hearts we cannot steel + Against the tale of the lonely orphan boy! +PIRATES: Poor fellow! + + ENSEMBLE + + GENERAL (aside) GIRLS (aside) PIRATES +(aside) + +I'm telling a terrible He is telling a terrible If he's telling +a + story story, terrible +story +But it doesn't diminish Which will tend to He shall die by +a death + my glory; diminish his that is gory +For they would have glory; Yes, one of the + taken my daughters Though they would have cruellest +Over the billowy waters, taken his slaughters + daughters That ever were +known in + Over the billowy waters, these +waters; +If I hadn't, in elegant It is easy, in elegant It is easy, in +elegant + diction, diction. diction, +Indulged in an innocent To call it an innocent To call it an +innocent + fiction, fiction, fiction +Which is not in the same But it comes in the same But it comes in +the same + category category category +As a regular terrible As telling a regular As telling a +regular + story. terrible story. terrible +story. + +KING: Although our dark career + Sometimes involves the crime of stealing, + We rather think that we're + Not altogether void of feeling. + Although we live by strife, + We're always sorry to begin it, + For what, we ask, is life + Without a touch of Poetry in it? + (all kneel) + +ALL: Hail, Poetry, thou heav'n-born maid! + Thou gildest e'en the pirate's trade. + Hail, flowing fount of sentiment! + All hail, all hail, divine emollient! + (all rise) + +KING: You may go, for you're at liberty, our pirate rules + protect you, + And honorary members of our band we do elect you! +SAMUEL: For he is an orphan boy! +CHORUS: He is! Hurrah for the orphan boy! +GENERAL: And it sometimes is a useful thing + To be an orphan boy. +CHORUS: It is! Hurrah for the orphan boy! + Hurrah for the orphan boy! +ENSEMBLE: Oh, happy day, with joyous glee + They will away and married be! + Should it befall auspiciously, + Her (Our) sisters all will bridesmaids be! + + (RUTH enters and comes down to FREDERIC) + +RUTH: Oh, master, hear one word, I do implore you! + Remember Ruth, your Ruth, who kneels before you! +PIRATES: Yes, yes, remember Ruth, who kneels before you! +FREDERIC: Away, you did deceive me! +PIRATES: (Threatening RUTH) Away, you did deceive him! +RUTH: Oh, do not leave me! +PIRATES: Oh, do not leave her! +FREDERIC: Away, you grieve me! +PIRATES: Away, you grieve him! +FREDERIC: I wish you'd leave me! (FREDERIC casts RUTH from him) +PIRATES: We wish you'd leave him! + + ENSEMBLE + + MEN WOMEN + +Pray observe the magnanimity Pray observe the magnanimity +We display to lace and dimity! They display to lace and + dimity! +Never was such opportunity Never was such opportunity +To get married with impunity, To get married with impunity, +But we give up the felicity But they give up the felicity +Of unbounded domesticity, Of unbounded domesticity, +Though a doctor of divinity Though a doctor of divinity +Is located in this vicinity. Is located in this vicinity. + +(GIRLS and MAJOR-GENERAL go up rocks, while PIRATES indulge in a + wild dance of delight on stage. The MAJOR-GENERAL produces + a British flag, and the PIRATE KING, in arched rock, + produces a black flag with skull and crossbones. Enter + RUTH, who makes a final appeal to FREDERIC, who casts her + from him.) + + END OF ACT I + + + ACT II + + +(Scene.-A ruined chapel by moonlight. Aisles C., R. and L., + divided by pillars and arches, ruined Gothic windows at + back. MAJOR-GENERAL STANLEY discovered seated R.C. + pensively, surrounded by his daughters.) + + + CHORUS + + Oh, dry the glist'ning tear + That dews that martial cheek, + Thy loving children hear, + In them thy comfort seek. + With sympathetic care + Their arms around thee creep, + For oh, they cannot bear + To see their father weep! + + (Enter MABEL) + + SOLO--MABEL + + Dear father, why leave your bed + At this untimely hour, + When happy daylight is dead, + And darksome dangers low'r? + See, heav'n has lit her lamp, + The midnight hour is past, + And the chilly night-air is damp, + And the dews are falling fast! + Dear father, why leave your bed + When happy daylight is dead? + +GIRLS: Oh, dry the glist'ning tear, etc. + + (FREDERIC enters) + +MABEL: Oh, Frederic, cannot you, in the calm excellence of + your wisdom, reconcile it with your conscience to say + something that will relieve my father's sorrow? +FREDERIC: I will try, dear Mabel. But why does he sit, night + after night, in this draughty old ruin? +GENERAL: Why do I sit here? To escape from the pirates' + clutches, I described myself as an orphan; and, heaven + help me, I am no orphan! I come here to humble myself + before the tombs of my ancestors, and to implore their + pardon for having brought dishonour on the family + escutcheon. +FREDERIC: But you forget, sir, you only bought the property a + year ago, and the stucco on your baronial castle is + scarcely dry. +GENERAL: Frederic, in this chapel are ancestors: you cannot deny + that. With the estate, I bought the chapel and its + contents. I don't know whose ancestors they were, but + I know whose ancestors they are, and I shudder to think + that their descendant by purchase (if I may so describe + myself) should have brought disgrace upon what, I have + no doubt, was an unstained escutcheon. +FREDERIC: Be comforted. Had you not acted as you did, these + reckless men would assuredly have called in the nearest + clergyman, and have married your large family on the + spot. +GENERAL: I thank you for your proffered solace, but it is + unavailing. I assure you, Frederic, that such is the + anguish and remorse I feel at the abominable falsehood + by which I escaped these easily deluded pirates, that I + would go to their simple-minded chief this very night + and confess all, did I not fear that the consequences + would be most disastrous to myself. At what time does + your expedition march against these scoundrels? +FREDERIC: At eleven, and before midnight I hope to have atoned + for my involuntary association with the pestilent + scourges by sweeping them from the face of the earth-- + and then, dear Mabel, you will be mine! +GENERAL: Are your devoted followers at hand? +FREDERIC: They are, they only wait my orders. + + RECIT--GENERAL + + Then, Frederic, let your escort lion-hearted + Be summoned to receive a gen'ral's blessing, + Ere they depart upon their dread adventure. + +FREDERIC: Dear, sir, they come. + +(Enter POLICE, marching in single file. They form in line, facing + audience.) + + SONG--SERGEANT + + When the foeman bares his steel, + Tarantara! tarantara! + We uncomfortable feel, + Tarantara! + And we find the wisest thing, + Tarantara! tarantara! + Is to slap our chests and sing, + Tarantara! + For when threatened with -meutes, + Tarantara! tarantara! + And your heart is in your boots, + Tarantara! + There is nothing brings it round + Like the trumpet's martial sound, + Like the trumpet's martial sound + Tarantara! tarantara!, etc. + +MABEL: Go, ye heroes, go to glory, + Though you die in combat gory, + Ye shall live in song and story. + Go to immortality! + Go to death, and go to slaughter; + Die, and every Cornish daughter + With her tears your grave shall water. + Go, ye heroes, go and die! + +GIRLS: Go, ye heroes, go and die! Go, ye heroes, go and die! + +POLICE: Though to us it's evident, + Tarantara! tarantara! + These attentions are well meant, + Tarantara! + Such expressions don't appear, + Tarantara! tarantara! + Calculated men to cheer + Tarantara! + Who are going to meet their fate + In a highly nervous state. + Tarantara! tarantara! tarantara! + Still to us it's evident + These attentions are well meant. + Tarantara! tarantara! tarantara! + +EDITH: Go and do your best endeavour, + And before all links we sever, + We will say farewell for-ever. + Go to glory and the grave! + +GIRLS: For your foes are fierce and ruthless, + False, unmerciful, and truthless; + Young and tender, old and toothless, + All in vain their mercy crave. + +SERGEANT: We observe too great a stress, + On the risks that on us press, + And of reference a lack + To our chance of coming back. + Still, perhaps it would be wise + Not to carp or criticise, + For it's very evident + These attentions are well meant. + +POLICE: Yes, it's very evident + These attentions are well meant, + Evident, yes, well meant, evident + Ah, yes, well meant! + + ENSEMBLE + + Chorus of all but Police Chorus of Police + +Go and do your best endeavour, Such expressions don't +appear, +And before all links we sever Tarantara, +tarantara! +We will say farewell for ever. Calculated men to cheer, + Go to glory and the grave! Tarantara! +For your foes and fierce and Who are going to their fate, + ruthless, Tarantara, +tarantara! +False, unmerciful, and In a highly nervous state-- + truthless. Tarantara! +Young and tender, old and We observe too great a +stress, + toothless, Tarantara, +tarantara! +All in vain their mercy crave. On the risks that on us +press, + Tarantara! + And of reference a lack, + Tarantara, +tarantara! + To our chance of coming back, + Tarantara! + +GENERAL: Away, away! +POLICE: (without moving) Yes, yes, we go. +GENERAL: These pirates slay. +POLICE: Tarantara! +GENERAL: Then do not stay. +POLICE: Tarantara! +GENERAL: Then why this delay? +POLICE: All right, we go. +ALL: Yes, forward on the foe! + Yes, forward on the foe! +GENERAL: Yes, but you don't go! +POLICE: We go, we go +ALL: Yes, forward on the foe! + Yes, forward on the foe! +GENERAL: Yes, but you don't go! +POLICE: We go, we go +ALL: At last they go! + At last they really go! + +(Exeunt POLICE. MABEL tears herself from FREDERIC and exits, + followed by her sisters, consoling her. The MAJOR-GENERAL + and others follow the POLICE off. FREDERIC remains alone.) + + RECIT-FREDERIC + + Now for the pirates' lair! Oh, joy unbounded! + Oh, sweet relief! Oh, rapture unexampled! + At last I may atone, in some slight measure, + For the repeated acts of theft and pillage + Which, at a sense of duty's stern dictation, + I, circumstance's victim, have been guilty! + + (PIRATE KING and RUTH appear at the window, armed.) + +KING: Young Frederic! (Covering him with pistol) +FREDERIC: Who calls? +KING: Your late commander! +RUTH: And I, your little Ruth! (Covering him with pistol) +FREDERIC: Oh, mad intruders, + How dare ye face me? Know ye not, oh rash ones, + That I have doomed you to extermination? + + (KING and RUTH hold a pistol to each ear) + +KING: Have mercy on us! hear us, ere you slaughter! +FREDERIC: I do not think I ought to listen to you. + Yet, mercy should alloy our stern resentment, + And so I will be merciful-- say on! + + TRIO--RUTH, KING, and FREDERIC + +RUTH: When you had left our pirate fold, + We tried to raise our spirits faint, + According to our custom old, + With quips and quibbles quaint. + But all in vain the quips we heard, + We lay and sobbed upon the rocks, + Until to somebody occurred + A startling paradox. +FREDERIC: A paradox? +KING: (laughing) A paradox! +RUTH: A most ingenious paradox! + We've quips and quibbles heard in flocks, + But none to beat this paradox! + A paradox, a paradox, + A most ingenious paradox! + Ha! ha! ha! ha! Ha! ha! ha! ha! +KING: We knew your taste for curious quips, + For cranks and contradictions queer; + And with the laughter on our lips, + We wished you there to hear. + We said, "If we could tell it him, + How Frederic would the joke enjoy!" + And so we've risked both life and limb + To tell it to our boy. +FREDERIC: (interested). That paradox? That paradox? +KING and RUTH: (laughing) That most ingenious paradox! + We've quips and quibbles heard in flocks, + But none to beat this paradox! + A paradox, a paradox, + A most ingenious paradox! + Ha! ha! ha! ha! Ho! ho! ho! ho! + + CHANT--KING + +For some ridiculous reason, to which, however, I've no desire to + be disloyal, +Some person in authority, I don't know who, very likely the + Astronomer Royal, +Has decided that, although for such a beastly month as February, + twenty-eight days as a rule are plenty, +One year in every four his days shall be reckoned as nine and- + twenty. +Through some singular coincidence-- I shouldn't be surprised if + it were owing to the agency of an ill-natured fairy-- +You are the victim of this clumsy arrangement, having been born + in leap-year, on the twenty-ninth of February; +And so, by a simple arithmetical process, you'll easily discover, +That though you've lived twenty-one years, yet, if we go by + birthdays, you're only five and a little bit over! +RUTH: Ha! ha! ha! ha! +KING: Ho! ho! ho! ho! +FREDERIC: Dear me! + Let's see! (counting on fingers) + Yes, yes; with yours my figures do agree! +ALL: Ha! ha! ha! ho! ho! ho! ho! +FREDERIC: (more amused than any) How quaint the ways of Paradox! + At common sense she gaily mocks! + Though counting in the usual way, + Years twenty-one I've been alive, + Yet, reck'ning by my natal day, + Yet, reck'ning by my natal day, + I am a little boy of five! +RUTH/KING: He is a little boy of five! + Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! +ALL: A paradox, a paradox, + A most ingenious paradox! + Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! , etc. + +(RUTH and KING throw themselves back on seats, exhausted with + laughter) + +FREDERIC: Upon my word, this is most curious-- most absurdly + whimsical. Five-and-a-quarter! No one would think it + to look at me! +RUTH: You are glad now, I'll be bound, that you spared us. + You would never have forgiven yourself when you + discovered that you had killed two of your comrades. +FREDERIC: My comrades? +KING: (rises) I'm afraid you don't appreciate the delicacy + of your position: You were apprenticed to us-- +FREDERIC: Until I reached my twenty-first year. +KING: No, until you reached your twenty-first birthday + (producing document), and, going by birthdays, you are + as yet only five-and-a-quarter. +FREDERIC: You don't mean to say you are going to hold me to that? +KING: No, we merely remind you of the fact, and leave the + rest to your sense of duty. +RUTH: Your sense of duty! +FREDERIC: (wildly) Don't put it on that footing! As I was + merciful to you just now, be merciful to me! I implore + you not to insist on the letter of your bond just as + the cup of happiness is at my lips! +RUTH: We insist on nothing; we content ourselves with + pointing out to you your duty. +KING: Your duty! +FREDERIC: (after a pause) Well, you have appealed to my sense of + duty, and my duty is only too clear. I abhor your + infamous calling; I shudder at the thought that I have + ever been mixed up with it; but duty is before all -- + at any price I will do my duty. +KING: Bravely spoken! Come, you are one of us once more. +FREDERIC: Lead on, I follow. (Suddenly) Oh, horror! +KING/RUTH: What is the matter? +FREDERIC: Ought I to tell you? No, no, I cannot do it; and yet, + as one of your band-- +KING: Speak out, I charge you by that sense of + conscientiousness to which we have never yet appealed + in vain. +FREDERIC: General Stanley, the father of my Mabel-- +KING/RUTH: Yes, yes! +FREDERIC: He escaped from you on the plea that he was an orphan? +KING: He did. +FREDERIC: It breaks my heart to betray the honoured father of the + girl I adore, but as your apprentice I have no + alternative. It is my duty to tell you that General + Stanley is no orphan! +KING/RUTH: What! +FREDERIC: More than that, he never was one! +KING: Am I to understand that, to save his contemptible life, + he dared to practice on our credulous simplicity? + (FREDERIC nods as he weeps) Our revenge shall be swift + and terrible. We will go and collect our band and + attack Tremorden Castle this very night. +FREDERIC: But stay-- +KING: Not a word! He is doomed! + + TRIO + + KING and RUTH: FREDERIC + +Away, away! my heart's on fire; Away, away! ere I expire-- + I burn, this base deception to I find my duty hard to +do to- + repay. day! +This very night my vengeance dire My heart is filled with +anguish dire, + Shall glut itself in gore. It strikes me to the +core. + Away, away! Away, away! + +KING: With falsehood foul + He tricked us of our brides. + Let vengeance howl; + The Pirate so decides. + Our nature stern + He softened with his lies, + And, in return, + To-night the traitor dies. + +ALL: Yes, yes! to-night the traitor dies! + Yes, yes! to-night the traitor dies! + +RUTH: To-night he dies! +KING: Yes, or early to-morrow. +FREDERIC: His girls likewise? +RUTH: They will welter in sorrow. +KING: The one soft spot +RUTH: In their natures they cherish-- +FREDERIC: And all who plot +KING: To abuse it shall perish! +ALL: To-night he dies, etc. + +(Exeunt KING and RUTH. FREDERIC throws himself on a stone in + blank despair. Enter MABEL.) + + RECIT--MABEL + + All is prepared, your gallant crew await you. + My Frederic in tears? It cannot be + That lion-heart quails at the coming conflict? + +FREDERIC: No, Mabel, no. + A terrible disclosure + Has just been made. + Mabel, my dearly-loved one, + I bound myself to serve the pirate captain + Until I reached my one-and-twentieth birthday-- +MABEL: But you are twenty-one? +FREDERIC: I've just discovered + That I was born in leap-year, and that birthday + Will not be reached by me till nineteen forty! +MABEL: Oh, horrible! catastrophe appalling! +FREDERIC: And so, farewell! +MABEL: No, no! + Ah, Frederic, hear me. + + DUET--MABEL and FREDERIC + +MABEL: Stay, Fred'ric, stay! + They have no legal claim, + No shadow of a shame + Will fall upon thy name. + Stay, Frederic, stay! + +FREDERIC: Nay, Mabel, nay! + To-night I quit these walls, + The thought my soul appalls, + But when stern Duty calls, + I must obey. + +MABEL: Stay, Fred'ric, stay! +FREDERIC: Nay, Mabel, nay! +MABEL: They have no claim-- +FREDERIC: But Duty's name. + The thought my soul appalls, + But when stern Duty calls, +MABEL: Stay, Fred'ric, stay! +FREDERIC: I must obey. + + BALLAD--MABEL + + Ah, leave me not to pine + Alone and desolate; + No fate seemed fair as mine, + No happiness so great! + And Nature, day by day, + Has sung in accents clear + This joyous roundelay, + "He loves thee-- he is here. + Fa-la, la-la, + Fa-la, la-la. + He loves thee-- he is here. + Fa-la, la-la, Fa-la." + +FREDERIC: Ah, must I leave thee here + In endless night to dream, + Where joy is dark and drear, + And sorrow all supreme-- + Where nature, day by day, + Will sing, in altered tone, + This weary roundelay, + "He loves thee-- he is gone. + Fa-la, la-la, + Fa-la, la-la. + He loves thee-- he is gone. + Fa-la, la-la, Fa-la." + +FREDERIC: In 1940 I of age shall be, + I'll then return, and claim you--I declare it! +MABEL: It seems so long! +FREDERIC: Swear that, till then, you will be true to me. +MABEL: Yes, I'll be strong! + By all the Stanleys dead and gone, I swear it! + + ENSEMBLE + + Oh, here is love, and here is truth, + And here is food for joyous laughter: + He (she) will be faithful to his (her) sooth + Till we are wed, and even after. + Oh, here is love, etc. + + (FREDERIC rushes to window and leaps out) + +MABEL: (almost fainting) No, I am brave! Oh, family descent, + How great thy charm, thy sway how excellent! + Come one and all, undaunted men in blue, + A crisis, now, affairs are coming to! + + (Enter POLICE, marching in single file) + +SERGEANT: Though in body and in mind +POLICE: Tarantara! tarantara! +SERGEANT: We are timidly inclined, +POLICE: Tarantara! +SERGEANT: And anything but blind +POLICE: Tarantara! tarantara! +SERGEANT: To the danger that's behind, +POLICE: Tarantara! +SERGEANT: Yet, when the danger's near, +POLICE: Tarantara! tarantara! +SERGEANT: We manage to appear +POLICE: Tarantara! +SERGEANT: As insensible to fear + As anybody here, + As anybody here. +POLICE: Tarantara! tarantara!, etc. + +MABEL: Sergeant, approach! Young Frederic was to have led you + to death and glory. +POLICE: That is not a pleasant way of putting it. +MABEL: No matter; he will not so lead you, for he has allied + himself once more with his old associates. +POLICE: He has acted shamefully! +MABEL: You speak falsely. You know nothing about it. He has + acted nobly. +POLICE: He has acted nobly! +MABEL: Dearly as I loved him before, his heroic sacrifice to + his sense of duty has endeared him to me tenfold; but + if it was his duty to constitute himself my foe, it is + likewise my duty to regard him in that light. He has + done his duty. I will do mine. Go ye and do yours. + (Exit MABEL) +POLICE: Right oh! +SERGEANT: This is perplexing. +POLICE: We cannot understand it at all. +SERGEANT: Still, as he is actuated by a sense of duty-- +POLICE: That makes a difference, of course. At the same time, + we repeat, we cannot understand it at all. +SERGEANT: No matter. Our course is clear: we must do our best + to capture these pirates alone. It is most distressing + to us to be the agents whereby our erring fellow- + creatures are deprived of that liberty which is so dear + to us all-- but we should have thought of that before + we joined the force. +POLICE: We should! +SERGEANT: It is too late now! +POLICE: It is! + + SOLO AND CHORUS + +SERGEANT: When a felon's not engaged in his employment +POLICE: His employment +SERGEANT: Or maturing his felonious little plans, +POLICE: Little plans, +SERGEANT: His capacity for innocent enjoyment +POLICE: 'Cent enjoyment +SERGEANT: Is just as great as any honest man's. +POLICE: Honest man's. +SERGEANT: Our feelings we with difficulty smother +POLICE: 'Culty smother +SERGEANT: When constabulary duty's to be done. +POLICE: To be done. +SERGEANT: Ah, take one consideration with another, +POLICE: With another, +SERGEANT: A policeman's lot is not a happy one. +ALL: Ah, when constabulary duty's to be done, to be + done, + A policeman's lot is not a happy one, happy one. +SERGEANT: When the enterprising burglar's not a-burgling +POLICE: Not a-burgling +SERGEANT: When the cut-throat isn't occupied in crime, +POLICE: 'Pied in crime, +SERGEANT: He loves to hear the little brook a-gurgling +POLICE: Brook a-gurgling +SERGEANT: And listen to the merry village chime. +POLICE: Village chime. +SERGEANT: When the coster's finished jumping on his mother, +POLICE: On his mother, +SERGEANT: He loves to lie a-basking in the sun. +POLICE: In the sun. +SERGEANT: Ah, take one consideration with another, +POLICE: With another, +SERGEANT: A policeman's lot is not a happy one. +ALL: Ah, when constabulary duty's to be done, to be + done, + A policeman's lot is not a happy one, happy one. + + (Chorus of Pirates without, in the distance) + + A rollicking band of pirates we, + Who, tired of tossing on the sea, + Are trying their hand at a burglaree, + With weapons grim and gory. + +SERGEANT: Hush, hush! I hear them on the manor poaching, + With stealthy step the pirates are approaching. + + (Chorus of Pirates, resumed nearer.) + + We are not coming for plate or gold; + A story General Stanley's told; + We seek a penalty fifty-fold, + For General Stanley's story. + +POLICE: They seek a penalty +PIRATES: Fifty-fold! + We seek a penalty +POLICE: Fifty-fold! +ALL: They (We) seek a penalty fifty-fold, + For General Stanley's story. +SERGEANT: They come in force, with stealthy stride, + Our obvious course is now--to hide. +POLICE: Tarantara! Tarantara! etc. + +(Police conceal themselves in aisle. As they do so, the Pirates, + with RUTH and FREDERIC, are seen appearing at ruined window. + They enter cautiously, and come down stage on tiptoe. + SAMUEL is laden with burglarious tools and pistols, etc.) + + CHORUS--PIRATES (very loud) + + With cat-like tread, + Upon our prey we steal; + In silence dread, + Our cautious way we feel. + No sound at all! + We never speak a word; + A fly's foot-fall + Would be distinctly heard-- +POLICE: (softly) Tarantara, tarantara! +PIRATES: So stealthily the pirate creeps, + While all the household soundly sleeps. + Come, friends, who plough the sea, + Truce to navigation; + Take another station; + Let's vary piracee + With a little burglaree! +POLICE: (softly) Tarantara, tarantara! +SAMUEL: (distributing implements to various members of the + gang) + Here's your crowbar and your centrebit, + Your life-preserver--you may want to hit! + Your silent matches, your dark lantern seize, + Take your file and your skeletonic keys. +POLICE: Tarantara! +PIRATES: With cat-like tread +POLICE: Tarantara! +PIRATES: in silence dread, + + (Enter KING, FREDERIC and RUTH) + +ALL (fortissimo). With cat-like tread, etc. + + RECIT + +FREDERIC: Hush, hush! not a word; I see a light inside! + The Major-Gen'ral comes, so quickly hide! +PIRATES: Yes, yes, the Major-General comes! + + (Exeunt KING, FREDERIC, SAMUEL, and RUTH) + +POLICE: Yes, yes, the Major-General comes! +GENERAL: (entering in dressing-gown, carrying a light) + Yes, yes, the Major-General comes! + + SOLO--GENERAL + + Tormented with the anguish dread + Of falsehood unatoned, + I lay upon my sleepless bed, + And tossed and turned and groaned. + The man who finds his conscience ache + No peace at all enjoys; + And as I lay in bed awake, + I thought I heard a noise. +MEN: He thought he heard a noise-- ha! ha! +GENERAL: No, all is still + In dale, on hill; + My mind is set at ease-- + So still the scene, + It must have been + The sighing of the breeze. + + BALLAD--GENERAL + + Sighing softly to the river + Comes the loving breeze, + Setting nature all a-quiver, + Rustling through the trees. +MEN: Through the trees. +GENERAL: And the brook, in rippling measure, + Laughs for very love, + While the poplars, in their pleasure, + Wave their arms above. +MEN: Yes, the trees, for very love, + Wave their leafy arms above. +ALL: River, river, little river, + May thy loving prosper ever! + Heaven speed thee, poplar tree, + May thy wooing happy be. +GENERAL: Yet, the breeze is but a rover, + When he wings away, + Brook and poplar mourn a lover + Sighing ,"Well-a-day!" +MEN: Well-a-day! +GENERAL: Ah! the doing and undoing, + That the rogue could tell! + When the breeze is out a-wooing, + Who can woo so well? + +MEN: Shocking tales the rogue could tell, + Nobody can woo so well. +ALL: Pretty brook, thy dream is over, + For thy love is but a rover; + Sad the lot of poplar trees, + Courted by a fickle breeze! + +(Enter the MAJOR-GENERAL's daughters, led by MABEL, all in white + peignoirs and night-caps, and carrying lighted candles.) + +GIRLS: Now what is this, and what is that, and why does father + leave his rest + At such a time of night as this, so very incompletely + dressed? + Dear father is, and always was, the most methodical of + men! + It's his invariable rule to go to bed at half-past ten. + What strange occurrence can it be that calls dear + father from his rest + At such a time of night as this, so very incompletely + dressed? + + (Enter KING, SAMUEL, and FREDERIC) + +KING: Forward, my men, and seize that General there! His + life is over. (They seize the GENERAL) +GIRLS: The pirates! the pirates! Oh, despair! +PIRATES: (springing up) Yes, we're the pirates, so despair! +GENERAL: Frederic here! Oh, joy! Oh. rapture! + Summon your men and effect their capture! +MABEL: Frederic, save us! +FREDERIC: Beautiful Mabel, + I would if I could, but I am not able. +PIRATES: He's telling the truth, he is not able. +KING: With base deceit + You worked upon our feelings! + Revenge is sweet, + And flavours all our dealings! + With courage rare + And resolution manly, + For death prepare, + Unhappy Gen'ral Stanley. + +MABEL: (wildly) Is he to die, unshriven, unannealed? +GIRLS: Oh, spare him! +MABEL: Will no one in his cause a weapon wield? +GIRLS: Oh, spare him! +POLICE: (springing up) Yes, we are here, though hitherto + concealed! +GIRLS: Oh, rapture! +POLICE: So to Constabulary, pirates yield! +GIRLS: Oh, rapture! + +(A struggle ensues between Pirates and Police, RUTH tackling the + SERGEANT. Eventually the Police are overcome and fall + prostrate, the Pirates standing over them with drawn + swords.) + + CHORUS OF PIRATES AND POLICE + + PIRATES POLICE + +We triumph now, for well we You triumph now, for well we + trow trow +Your mortal career's cut short; Our mortal career's cut +short; +No pirate band will take its No pirate band will take its + stand stand +At the Central Criminal Court. At the Central Criminal +Court. + +SERGEANT: To gain a brief advantage you've contrived, + But your proud triumph will not be long-lived +KING: Don't say you are orphans, for we know that game. +SERGEANT: On your allegiance we've a stronger claim. + We charge you yield, we charge you yield, + In Queen Victoria's name! +KING: (baffled) You do? +POLICE: We do! + We charge you yield, + In Queen Victoria's name! + + (PIRATES kneel, POLICE stand over them triumphantly.) + +KING: We yield at once, with humbled mien, + Because, with all our faults, we love our Queen. +POLICE: Yes, yes, with all their faults, they love their Queen. +ALL: Yes, yes, with all their faults, they love their Queen. + +(POLICE, holding PIRATES by the collar, take out handkerchiefs + and weep.) + +GENERAL: Away with them, and place them at the bar! + + (Enter RUTH) + +RUTH: One moment! let me tell you who they are. + They are no members of the common throng; + They are all noblemen who have gone wrong. +ALL: They are all noblemen who have gone wrong. +GENERAL: No Englishman unmoved that statement hears, + Because, with all our faults, we love our House of + Peers. (All kneel) + I pray you, pardon me, ex-Pirate King! + Peers will be peers, and youth will have its fling. + Resume your ranks and legislative duties, + And take my daughters, all of whom are beauties. + + FINALE--MABEL, EDITH and ENSEMBLE + + Poor wandering ones! + Though ye have surely strayed, + Take heart of grace, + Your steps retrace, + Poor wandering ones! + Poor wandering ones! + If such poor love as ours + Can help you find + True peace of mind, + Why, take it, it is yours! + +ALL: Poor wandering ones! etc. + + + END OF OPERA + + + PRINCESS IDA + + OR + + CASTLE ADAMANT + + + libretto by William S. Gilbert + music by Arthur S. Sullivan + + + DRAMATIS PERSONAE + +King Hildebrand +Hilarion (His son) + +Hilarion's friends: + Cyril + Florian + +King Gama + +His sons: + Arac + Guron + Scynthius + + +Princess Ida (Gama's daughter) +Lady Blanche (Professor of Abstract Science) +Lady Psyche (Professor of Humanities) +Melissa (Lady Blanche's Daughter) + +Girl Graduates: + Sacharissa + Chloe + Ada + +Soldiers, Courtiers, "Girl Graduates," "Daughters of the Plough," +etc. + + + ACT I + +Pavilion in King Hildebrand's Palace + + ACT II + +Gardens of Castle Adamant + + ACT III + +Courtyard of Castle Adamant + ACT I. + +SCENE. Pavilion attached to King Hildebrand's Palace. + Soldiers and courtiers discovered looking out through + opera-glasses, telescopes, etc., Florian leading. + + CHORUS AND SOLO (Florian) + "Search throughout the panorama" + +Chorus: Search throughout the panorama + For a sign of royal Gama, + Who to-day should cross the water + With his fascinating daughter-- + Ida is her name. + + Some misfortune evidently + Has detained them -- consequently + Search throughout the panorama + For the daughter of King Gama, + Prince Hilarion's flame! + Prince Hilarion's flame! + + SOLO - Florian + +Florian: Will Prince Hilarion's hopes be sadly blighted? + +Chorus: Who can tell? Who can tell? + +Florian: Will Ida break the vows that she has plighted? + +Chorus: Who can tell? Who can tell? + +Florian: Will she back out, and say she did not mean them? + +Chorus: Who can tell? + +Florian: If so, there'll be the deuce to pay between them! + +Chorus: No, no -- we'll not despair, we'll not despair, + For Gama would not dare + To make a deadly foe + Of Hildebrand, and so, + Search through the panorama + For a sign of royal Gama, + Who today should cross the water + With his fascinating daughter-- + Ida, Ida is her name. + + (Enter King Hildebrand +with Cyril) + +Hildebd: See you no sign of Gama? + +Florian: None, my liege! + +Hildebd: It's very odd indeed. If Gama fail + To put in an appearance at our Court + Before the sun has set in yonder west, + And fail to bring the Princess Ida here + To whom our son Hilarion was betrothed + At the extremely early age of one, + There's war between King Gama and ourselves! + (aside to Cyril) + Oh, Cyril, how I dread this interview! + It's twenty years since he and I have met. + He was a twisted monster -- all awry---- + As though Dame Nature, angry with her work, + Had crumpled it in fitful petulance! + +Cyril: But, sir, a twisted and ungainly trunk + Often bears goodly fruit. Perhaps he was + A kind, well-spoken gentleman? + +Hildebd: Oh, no! + For, adder-like, his sting lay in his tongue. + (His "sting" is present, though his "stung" is past.) + +Florian: (looking through glass) + But stay, my liege; o'er yonder mountain's brow + Comes a small body, bearing Gama's arms; + And now I look more closely at it, sir, + I see attached to it King Gama's legs; + From which I gather this corollary + That that small body must be Gama's own! + +Hildebd: Ha! Is the Princess with him? + +Florian: Well, my liege, + Unless her highness is full six feet high, + And wears mustachios too -- and smokes cigars---- + And rides en cavalier in coat of steel---- + I do not think she is. + +Hildebd: One never knows. + She's a strange girl, I've heard, and does odd + things! + Come, bustle there! + For Gama place the richest robes we own---- + For Gama place the coarsest prison dress---- + For Gama let our best spare bed be aired---- + For Gama let our deepest dungeon yawn---- + For Gama lay the costliest banquet out---- + For Gama place cold water and dry bread! + For as King Gama brings the Princess here, + Or brings her not, so shall King Gama have + Much more than everything -- much less than nothing! + + SONG (Hildebrand and Chorus) + "Now Hearken to my Strict Command" + +Hildebd: Now hearken to my strict command + On every hand, on every hand---- + +Chorus: To your command, + On every hand, + We dutifully bow. + +Hildebd: If Gama bring the Princess here, + Give him good cheer, give him good cheer. + +Chorus: If she come here + We'll give him a cheer, + And we will show you how. + Hip, hip, hurrah! hip, hip, hurrah! + Hip, hip, hurrah! hurrah! hurrah! + We'll shout and sing + Long live the King, + And his daughter, too, I trow! + Then shout ha! ha! hip, hip, hurrah! + Hip, hip, hip, hip, hurrah! + For the fair Princess and her good papa, + Hurrah, hurrah! + +Hildebd: But if he fail to keep his troth, + Upon our oath, we'll trounce them both! + +Chorus: He'll trounce them both, + Upon his oath, + As sure as quarter-day! + +Hildebd: We'll shut him up in a dungeon cell, + And toll his knell on a funeral bell. + +Chorus: From his dungeon cell, + His funeral knell + Shall strike him with dismay! + Hip, hip, hurrah! hip, hip, hurrah! + Hip, hip, hurrah! hurrah! hurrah! + As up we string + The faithless King, + In the old familiar way! + We'll shout ha! ha! hip, hip, hurrah! + Hip, hip, hip, hip, hurrah! + As we make an end of her false papa, + Hurrah, hurrah! + +(Exeunt all) + + (Enter Hilarion) + + RECITATIVE AND SONG (Hilarion) + "Today we meet" + + RECITATIVE - Hilarion + + To-day we meet, my baby bride and I-- + But ah, my hopes are balanc'd by my fears! + What transmutations have been conjur'd by + The silent alchemy of twenty years! + + BALLAD - Hilarion + + Ida was a twelve-month old, + Twenty years ago! + I was twice her age, I'm told, + Twenty years ago! + Husband twice as old as wife + Argues ill for married life + Baleful prophecies were rife, + Twenty years ago, + Twenty years ago! + + Still, I was a tiny prince + Twenty years ago. + She has gained upon me, since + Twenty years ago. + Though she's twenty-one, it's true, + I am barely twenty-two-- + False and foolish prophets you + Twenty years ago, + Twenty years ago! + + (Enter Hildebrand) + +Hilarion: Well, father, is there news for me at last? + +Hildebd: King Gama is in sight, but much I fear + With no Princess! + +Hilarion: Alas, my liege, I've heard, + That Princess Ida has forsworn the world, + And, with a band of women, shut herself + Within a lonely country house, and there + Devotes herself to stern philosophies! + +Hildebd: Then I should say the loss of such a wife + Is one to which a reasonable man + Would easily be reconciled. + +Hilarion: Oh, no! + Or I am not a reasonable man. + She is my wife -- has been for twenty years! + (Holding glass) I think I see her now. + +Hildebd: Ha! Let me look! + +Hilarion: In my mind's eye, I mean -- a blushing bride + All bib and tucker, frill and furbelow! + How exquisite she looked as she was borne, + Recumbent, in her foster-mother's arms! + How the bride wept -- nor would be comforted + Until the hireling mother-for-the-nonce + Administered refreshment in the vestry. + And I remember feeling much annoyed + That she should weep at marrying with me. + But then I thought, "These brides are all alike. + You cry at marrying me? How much more cause + You'd have to cry if it were broken off!" + These were my thoughts; I kept them to myself, + For at that age I had not learnt to speak. + + (Exeunt Hildebrand +and Hilarion) + + (Enter Courtiers) + + CHORUS + "From the distant panorama" + +Chorus: From the distant panorama + Come the sons of royal Gama. + They are heralds evidently, + And are sacred consequently, + Sons of Gama, hail! oh, hail! + +(Enter Arac, Guron, and Scynthius) + + TRIO (Arac, Guron, Scynthius and Chorus) + "We are Warriors Three" + + SONG - Arac + +Arac: We are warriors three, + Sons of Gama, Rex, + Like most sons are we, + Masculine in sex. + +All Three: Yes, yes, yes, + Masculine in sex. + +Arac: Politics we bar, + They are not our bent; + On the whole we are + Not intelligent. + +All Three: No, no, no, + Not intelligent. + +Arac: But with doughty heart, + And with trusty blade + We can play our part-- + Fighting is our trade. + +All Three: Yes, yes, yes, + Fighting is our trade. + + Bold and fierce, and strong, ha! ha! + For a war we burn, + With its right or wrong, ha! ha! + We have no concern. + Order comes to fight, ha! ha! + Order is obey'd, + We are men of might, ha! ha! + Fighting is our trade. + Yes -- yes, yes, + Fighting is our trade, ha! ha! + + THE THREE PRINCIPALS CHORUS +Fighting is our trade, ha +ha! They are men of might, ha! ha! + Fighting is their trade. + Order comes to fight, ha! ha! + Order is obey'd! + Order comes to fight! +Ha, Ha! + Order is obey'd! +Fighting Fighting +is. Yes, yes, yes, is +Fighting is our trade, ha their +Ha! trade! + + (Enter King Gama) + + SONG (Gama) + "If you give me your Attention" + +Gama: If you give me your attention, I will tell you what I + am: + I'm a genuine philanthropist -- all other kinds are + sham. + Each little fault of temper and each social defect + In my erring fellow-creatures, I endeavour to correct. + To all their little weaknesses I open people's eyes; + And little plans to snub the self-sufficient I devise; + I love my fellow creatures -- I do all the good I +can-- + Yet ev'rybody says I'm such a disagreeable man! + And I can't think why! + + To compliments inflated I've a withering reply; + And vanity I always do my best to mortify; + A charitable action I can skillfully dissect; + And interested motives I'm delighted to detect; + I know ev'rybody's income and what ev'rybody earns; + And I carefully compare it with the income-tax +returns; + But to benefit humanity however much I plan, + Yet ev'rybody says I'm such a disagreeable man! + And I can't think why! + + I'm sure I'm no ascetic; I'm as pleasant as can be; + You'll always find me ready with a crushing repartee, + I've an irritating chuckle, I've a celebrated sneer, + I've an entertaining snigger, I've a fascinating leer. + To ev'rybody's prejudice I know a thing or two; + I can tell a woman's age in half a minute -- and I do. + But although I try to make myself as pleasant as I +can, + Yet ev'rybody says I'm such a disagreeable man! + And I can't think why! + +Chorus: He can't think why! + He can't think why! + +(Enter Hildebrand, Hilarion, Cyril and Florian) + +Gama: So this is Castle Hildebrand? Well, well! + Dame Rumour whispered that the place was grand; + She told me that your taste was exquisite, + Superb, unparalleled! + +Hildebnd: (Gratified) Oh, really, King! + +Gama: But she's a liar! Why, how old you've grown! + Is this Hilarion? Why, you've changed too-- + You were a singularly handsome child! +(To Florian) Are you a courtier? Come, then ply your trade, + Tell me some lies. How do you like your King? + Vile rumour says he's all but imbecile. + Now, that's not true? + +Florian: My lord, we love our King. + His wise remarks are valued by his court + As precious stones. + +Gama: And for the self-same cause. + Like precious stones, his sensible remarks + Derive their value from their scarcity! + Come now, be honest, tell the truth for once! + Tell it of me. Come, come, I'll harm you not. + This leg is crooked -- this foot is ill-designed-- + This shoulder wears a hump! Come, out with it! + Look, here's my face! Now, am I not the worst + Of Nature's blunders? + +Cyril: Nature never errs. + To those who know the workings of your mind, + Your face and figure, sir, suggest a book + Appropriately bound. + +Gama: (Enraged) Why, harkye, sir, + How dare you bandy words with me? + +Cyril: No need + To bandy aught that appertains to you. + +Gama: (Furiously) Do you permit this, King? + +Hildebd: We are in doubt + Whether to treat you as an honoured guest + Or as a traitor knave who plights his word + And breaks it. + +Gama: (Quickly) If the casting vote's with me, + I give it for the former! + +Hildebd: We shall see. + By the terms of our contract, signed and sealed, + You're bound to bring the Princess here to-day: + Why is she not with you? + +Gama: Answer me this: + What think you of a wealthy purse-proud man, + Who, when he calls upon a starving friend, + Pulls out his gold and flourishes his notes, + And flashes diamonds in the pauper's eyes? + What name have you for such an one? + +Hildebd: A snob. + +Gama: Just so. The girl has beauty, virtue, wit, + Grace, humour, wisdom, charity and pluck. + Would it be kindly, think you, to parade + These brilliant qualities before your eyes? + Oh no, King Hildebrand, I am no snob! + +Hildebd: (Furiously) Stop that tongue, + Or you shall lose the monkey head that holds it! + +Gama: Bravo! Your King deprives me of my head, + That he and I may meet on equal terms! + +Hildebd: Where is she now? (Threatening) + +Gama: In Castle Adamant, + One of my many country houses. There + She rules a woman's University, + With full a hundred girls, who learn of her. + +Cyril: A hundred girls! A hundred ecstasies! + +Gama: But no mere girls, my good young gentleman; + With all the college learning that you boast, + The youngest there will prove a match for you. + +Cyril: With all my heart, if she's the prettiest! +(To Florian) Fancy, a hundred matches -- all alight!-- + That's if I strike them as I hope to do! + +Gama: Despair your hope; their hearts are dead to men. + He who desires to gain their favour must + Be qualified to strike their teeming brains, + And not their hearts. They're safety matches, sir, + And they light only on the knowledge box-- + So you've no chance! + +Florian: And there are no males whatever in those walls? + +Gama: None, gentlemen, excepting letter mails-- + And they are driven (as males often are + In other large communities) by women. + Why, bless my heart, she's so particular + She'll hardly suffer Dr. Watts's hymns-- + And all the animals she owns are "hers"! + The ladies rise at cockcrow every morn-- + +Cyril: Ah, then they have male poultry? + +Gama: Not at all, +(Confidentially) The crowing's done by an accomplished hen! + + FINALE + (Gama, Hildebrand, Cyril, Hilarion, Florian + and Chorus of Girls and Men) + + DUET (Gama and Hildebrand) + "P'raps if you Address the Lady" + +Gama: P'raps if you address the lady + Most politely, most politely-- + Flatter and impress the lady, + Most politely, most politely,-- + Humbly beg and humbly sue-- + She may deign to look on you, + But your doing you must do + Most politely, most politely, most +politely! + +All: Humbly beg and humbly sue, + She may deign to look on you, + But your doing you must do + Most politely, most politely, most +politely! + +Hildebd: Go you and inform the lady, + Most politely, most politely, + If she don't, we'll storm the lady + Most politely, most politely! + +(To Gama) You'll remain as hostage here; + Should Hillarion disappear, + We will hang you, never fear, + Most politely, most politely, most +politely! + +All: He'll [I'll] [You'll] remain as hostage here. + Should Hilarion disappear, + They [We] will hang me [you] never fear, + Most politely, most politely, most +politely! + +(Gama, Arac, Guron and Scynthius are marched off in custody, + Hildebrand following) + + RECITATIVE -- Hilarion + + Come, Cyril, Florian, our course is plain, + To-morrow morn fair Ida we'll engage; + But we will use no force her love to gain, + Nature, nature has arm'd us for the war we + wage! + + TRIO -- Hilarion, Cyril, and Florian + +Hilarion: Expressive glances + Shall be our lances, + And pops of Sillery + Our light artillery. + We'll storm their bowers + With scented showers + Of fairest flowers + That we can buy! + +Chorus: Oh, dainty triolet! + Oh, fragrant violet! + Oh, gentle heigho-let! + (Or little sigh). + On sweet urbanity, + Through mere inanity, + To touch their vanity + We will rely! + +Cyril: When day is fading, + With serenading + And such frivolity + We'll prove our quality. + A sweet profusion + Of soft allusion + This bold intrusion + Shall justify, + This bold intrusion + Shall justify. + +Chorus: Oh, dainty triolet! + Oh, fragrant violet! + Oh, gentle heigho-let! + (Or little sigh). + On sweet urbanity, + Through mere inanity, + To touch their vanity + We will rely! + +Florian: We'll charm their senses + With verbal fences, + With ballads amatory + And declamatory. + Little heeding + Their pretty pleading, + Our love exceeding + We'll justify! + Our love exceeding + We'll justify! + +Chorus: Oh, dainty triolet! + Oh, fragrant violet! + Oh, gentle heigho-let! + (Or little sigh). + On sweet urbanity, + Through mere inanity, + To touch their vanity + We will rely! + +Sops: Oh dainty Altos, Tenors, and +Basses: + triolet! Oh fragrant Oh + violet! Oh dain- + gentle ty + heigh-o-let! (Or tri- + little o- + sigh). let! + +Hilarion & Cyril: + Oh dainty Chorus: + triolet! Oh fragrant Oh + violet (Add Florian) Oh fra- + gentle grant + heigh-o-let! (Or vi- + little o- + sigh). let! + +Sops & Altos: Tenors & Basses: + Oh dainty Oh dainty + triolet! Oh tri- + fragrant o- + violet let! + +All: Oh dainty triolet! + Oh fragrant violet! + +(Re-enter Gama, Arac, Guron, and Scynthius heavily ironed, followed + by Hildebrand) + + RECITATIVE + +Gama: Must we, till then, in prison cell be thrust? + +Hildebd: You must! + +Gama: This seems unnecessarily severe! +Arac, Guron +& Scyn: Hear, hear! + + TRIO - Arac, Guron and Scynthius + + For a month to dwell + In a dungeon cell: + Growing thin and wizen + In a solitary prison, + Is a poor look out + For a soldier stout, + Who is longing for the rattle + Of a complicated battle-- + For the rum - tum - tum + Of the military drum + And the guns that go boom! +boom! + +All: The rum -- tum -- tum + Of the military drum, + Rum -- tum -- tum -- tummy tummy tummy tummy tum + Who is longing for the rattle of a complicated + battle-- + For the rum tum tum + Of the military drum! + Prr, prr, prr, ra -- pum -- pum! + +Hildebd: When Hilarion's bride + Has at length complied + With the just conditions + Of our requisitions, + You may go in haste + And indulge your taste + For the fascinating rattle + Of a complicated battle-- + For the rum - tum - tum, + Of the military drum, + And the guns that go boom! boom! + +All: The rum -- tum -- tum + Of the military drum, + Rum -- tum -- tum -- tummy tummy tummy tummy tum! + Who is longing for the rattle + Of a complicated battle + For the rum -- tum -- tum + Of the military drum! + Tum, prr -- prr -- prr ra -- pum, pum! + + But til that time you'll [we'll] here remain, + And bail we [they] will not entertain, + Should she our [his] mandate disobey, + Your [Our] lives the penalty will pay! + But till that time you'll [we'll] here remain, + And bail we [they] will not entertain. + Should she our [his] mandate disobey, + Your [Our] lives the penalty will pay! + Should she our [his] mandate disobey, + Your [Our] lives the penalty will pay! + + (Gama, Arac, Guron, and Synthius are +marched off.) + + END OF ACT I + + ACT II + +SCENE Gardens in Castle Adamant. A river runs across the + back of the stage, crossed by a rustic bridge. Castle + Adamant in the distance. + + Girl Graduates discovered seated at the feet of Lady + Psyche + + CHORUS OF GIRLS & SOLOS (Lady Psyche, Melissa and +Sacharissa) + "Towards the empyrean heights" + +Chorus: Towards the empyrean heights + Of ev'ry kind of lore, + We've taken several easy flights, + And mean to take some more. + In trying to achieve success + No envy racks our heart, + And all the knowledge we possess, + We mutually impart. + + SOLO -- Melissa + + Pray, what authors should she read + Who in Classics would succeed? + + SOLO -- Psyche + + If you'd climb the Helicon, + You should read Anacreon, + Ovid's Metamorphoses, + Likewise Aristophanes, + And the works of Juvenal: + These are worth attention, all; + But, if you will be advised, + You will get them Bowdlerized! + +Chorus: Ah! we will get them Bowdlerized! + + SOLO -- Sacharissa + + Pray you, tell us, if you can, + What's the thing that's known as Man? + + SOLO -- Psyche + + Man will swear and man will storm-- + Man is not at all good form-- + Is of no kind of use-- + Man's a donkey -- Man's a goose-- + Man is coarse and Man is plain-- + Man is more or less insane-- + Man's a ribald -- Man's a rake, + Man is Nature's sole mistake! + +Chorus: We'll a memorandum make-- + Man is Nature's sole mistake! + + And thus to empyrean height + Of ev'ry kind of lore, + In search of wisdom's pure delight, + Ambitiously we soar. + In trying to achieve success + No envy racks our heart, + For all we know and all we guess + We mutually impart! + And all the knowledge we possess, + We mutually impart, + We mutually impart, impart. + +(Enter Lady Blanche. All stand up demurely) + +Blanche: Attention, ladies, while I read to you + The Princess Ida's list of punishments. + The first is Sacharissa. She's expelled! + +All: Expelled! + +Blan.: Expelled, because although she knew + No man of any kind may pass our walls, + She dared to bring a set of chessmen here! + +Sach.: (Crying) I meant no harm; they're only men of wood! + +Blan.: They're men with whom you give each other mate, + And that's enough! The next is Chloe. + +Chloe: Ah! + +Blan.: Chloe will lose three terms, for yesterday, + When looking through her drawing-book, I found + A sketch of a perambulator! + +All: (Horrified) Oh! + +Blan.: Double perambulator ... + +All: Oh, oh! + +Blan.: ...shameless girl! + That's all at present. Now, attention, pray; + Your Principal the Princess comes to give + Her usual inaugural address + To those young ladies who joined yesterday. + + CHORUS OF GIRLS + "Mighty maiden with a mission" + +Girls: Mighty maiden with a mission, + Paragon of common sense, + Running fount of erudition, + Miracle of eloquence, + Altos: We are blind and we +would see; +Sops: We are bound, and would be free; + +Girls: We are dumb, and we would talk; + We are lame, and we would walk. + (Enter +the Princess) + Mighty maiden with a mission-- + Paragon of common sense; + Running found of erudition-- + Miracle of eloquence, of eloquence! + + RECITATIVE & ARIA (Princess) + "Minerva! Oh, hear Me" + +Princess: Minerva! Minerva! + Oh, hear me: + Oh, goddess wise + That lovest light + Endow with sight + Their unillumin'd eyes. + + At this my call, + A fervent few + Have come to woo + The rays that from thee fall, + That from thee fall. + Oh, goddess wise + That lovest light, + That lovest light, + + Let fervent words and fervent thoughts be mine, + That I may lead them to thy sacred shrine! + Let fervent words and fervent thoughts be mine, + That I may lead them to thy sacred shrine, + I may lead them to thy sacred shrine, thy sacred +shrine! + +Princess: Women of Adamant, fair Neophytes-- + Who thirst for such instruction as we give, + Attend, while I unfold a parable. + The elephant is mightier than Man, + Yet Man subdues him. Why? The elephant + Is elephantine everywhere but here (tapping her + forehead), + And Man, whose brain is to the elephant's + As Woman's brain to Man's - (that's rule of three),-- + Conquers the foolish giant of the woods, + As Woman, in her turn, shall conquer Man. + In Mathematics, Woman leads the way; + The narrow-minded pedant still believes + That two and two make four! Why, we can prove, + We women -- household drudges as we are-- + That two and two make five -- or three -- or seven; + Or five and twenty, if the case demands! + Diplomacy? The wiliest diplomat + Is absolutely helpless in our hands. + He wheedles monarchs -- Woman wheedles him! + Logic? Why, tyrant Man himself admits + It's a waste of time to argue with a woman! + Then we excel in social qualities: + Though man professes that he holds our sex + In utter scorn, I venture to believe + He'd rather pass the day with one of you, + Than with five hundred of his fellow-men! + In all things we excel. Believing this, + A hundred maidens here have sworn to place + Their feet upon his neck. If we succeed, + We'll treat him better than he treated us: + But if we fail, why, then let hope fail too! + Let no one care a penny how she looks-- + Let red be worn with yellow -- blue with green-- + Crimson with scarlet -- violet with blue! + Let all your things misfit, and you yourselves + At inconvenient moments come undone! + Let hair-pins lose their virtue: let the hook + Disdain the fascination of the eye-- + The bashful button modestly evade + The soft embraces of the button-hole! + Let old associations all dissolve, + Let Swan secede from Edgar -- Gask from Gask, + Sewell from Cross -- Lewis from Allenby! + In other words, let Chaos come again! +(Coming down) Who lectures in the Hall of Arts to-day? + +Blanche: I, madam, on Abstract Philosophy. + There I propose considering, at length, + Three points -- The Is, the Might Be, and the Must. + Whether the Is, from being actual fact, + Is more important than the vague Might Be, + Or the Might Be, from taking wider scope, + Is for that reason greater than the Is: + And lastly, how the Is and Might Be stand + Compared with the inevitable Must! + +Princess: The subject's deep -- how do you treat it, pray? + +Blan.: Madam, I take three possibilities, + And strike a balance then between the three: + As thus: The Princess Ida Is our head, + the Lady Psyche Might Be, -- Lady Blanche, + Neglected Blanche, inevitably Must. + Given these three hypotheses -- to find + The actual betting against each of them! + +Princess: Your theme's ambitious: pray you bear in mind + Who highest soar fall farthest. Fare you well, + You and your pupils! Maidens, follow me. + + [Exeunt Princess +and maidens. + Manet +Lady Blanche. + + EXEUNT FOR PRINCESS IDA & GIRLS + "And thus to Empyrean Height" + +Chorus: And thus to empyrean height + Of ev'ry kind of lore, + In search of wisdom's pure delight, + Ambitiously we soar. + In trying to achieve success + No envy racks our heart, + For all we know and all we guess + We mutually impart! + And all the knowledge we possess, + We mutually impart, + We mutually impart, impart. + +Blan.: I should command here -- I was born to rule, + But do I rule? I don't. Why? I don't know. + I shall some day. Not yet, I bide my time. + I once was Some One -- and the Was Will Be. + The Present as we speak becomes the Past, + The Past repeats itself, and so is Future! + This sounds involved. It's not. It's right enough. + + (Since 1935 the following song has been usually omitted) + SONG (Lady Blanche) + "Come, mighty Must!" + +Blanche: Come mighty Must! + Inevitable Shall! + In thee I trust. + Time weaves my coronal! + Go, mocking Is! + Go, disappointing Was! + That I am this + Ye are the cursed cause! + Ye are the cursed cause! + Yet humble second shall be first, + I wean + And dead and buried be the curst + Has Been! + + Oh, weak Might Be! + Oh, May, Might, Could, Would, Should! + How pow'rless ye + For evil or for good! + In ev'ry sense + Your moods I cheerless call. + Whate'er your tense + Ye are imperfect all. + Ye have deceiv'd the trust I've shown + In ye! + Ye have deceiv'd the trust I've shown + In ye! + I've shown in ye! + Away! The Mighty Must alone + Shall be! + [Exit +Lady Blanche + +[Enter Hilarion, Cyril, and Florian, climbing over wall, and creep- + ing cautiously among the trees and rocks at the back +of + the stage.] + + TRIO (Cyril, Hilarion and Florian) + "Gently, gently" + +All: Gently, gently, + Evidently + We are safe so far, + After scaling + Fence and paling, + Here, at last, we are! + +Florian: In this college, + Useful knowledge + Ev'rywhere one finds, + And already, + Growing steady, + We've enlarged our minds + +Cyril: We learnt that prickly cactus + Has power to attract us + When we fall. + +All: When we fall! + +Hilarion: That nothing man unsettles + Like a bed of stinging nettles, + Short or tall. + +All: Short or tall! + +Florian: That bull-dogs feed on throttles-- + That we don't like broken bottles + On a wall. + +All: On a wall! + +Hilarion: That spring-guns breathe defiance! + And that burglary's a science + After all! + +All: After all! + +Florian: A Woman's college! maddest folly going! + What can girls learn within its walls worth + knowing? + I'll lay a crown (the Princess shall decide it) + I'll teach them twice as much in half-an-hour + outside it. + +Hilarion: Hush, scoffer; ere you sound your puny thunder, + List to their aims, and bow your head in wonder! + + They intend to send a wire + To the moon + +Cyril & +Florian: To the moon; + +Hilarion: And they'll set the Thames on fire + Very soon + +Cyril & +Florian: Very soon; + +Hilarion: Then they'll learn to make silk purses + With their rigs + +Cyril & +Florian: With their rigs. + +Hilarion: From the ears of Lady Circe's + Piggy-wigs + +Cyril & +Florian: Piggy-wigs. + +Hilarion: And weasels at their slumbers + They trepan + +Cyril & +Florian: They trepan; + +Hilarion: To get sunbeams from cucumbers + They've a plan + +Cyril +& Florian: They've a plan. + +Hilarion: They've a firmly rooted notion + They can cross the Polar Ocean, + And they'll find Perpetual Motion, + If they can + +All: If they can. + These are the phenomena + That ev'ry pretty domina + Is hoping at her Universitee we shall see. + + These are the phenomena + That ev'ry pretty domina + Is hoping at her Universitee we shall see! + +Cyril: As for fashion, they forswear it, + So they say + +Hilarion & +Florian: So they say; + +Cyril: And the circle -- they will square it + Some fine day + +Hilarion & +Florian: Some fine day; + +Cyril: Then the little pigs they're teaching + For to fly + +Hilarion & +Florian: For to fly; + +Cyril: And the niggers they'll be bleaching, + By and by + +Hilarion & +Florian: By and by! + +Cyril: Each newly joined aspirant + To the clan + +Hilarion & +Florian: To the clan + +Cyril: Must repudiate the tyrant + Known as Man + +Hilarion & +Florian: Known as Man. + +Cyril: They'll mock at him and flout him, + For they do not care about him + And they're "going to do without him" + If they can + +All: If they can! + + These are the phenomena + That ev'ry pretty domina + Is hoping at her Universitee we shall see. + + These are the phenomena + That ev'ry pretty domina + Is hoping at her Universitee we shall see! + +Hilarion: So that's the Princess Ida's castle! Well, + They must be lovely girls, indeed, if it requires + Such walls as those to keep intruders off! + +Cyril: To keep men off is only half their charge, + And that the easier half. I much suspect + The object of these walls is not so much + To keep men off as keep the maidens in! + +Florian: But what are these? (Examining some Collegiate robes) + +Hilarion: (looking at them) Why, Academic robes, + Worn by the lady undergraduates + When they matriculate. Let's try them on. (They do + so.) + Why, see -- we're covered to the very toes. + Three lovely lady undergraduates + Who, weary of the world and all its wooing -- (pose) + +Florian: And penitent for deeds there's no undoing -- (pose) + +Cyril: Looked at askance by well-conducted maids -- (pose) + +All: Seek sanctuary in these classic shades! + + TRIO (Cyril, Hilarion and Florian) + "I am a maiden" + +Hilarion: I am a maiden, cold and stately, + Heartless I, with face divine. + What do I want with a heart, innately? + Every heart I meet is mine! + Every heart I meet is mine, is mine! + +All: Haughty, humble, coy, or free, + Little care I what maid may be. + So that a maid is fair to see, + Ev'ry maid is the maid for me! + + (Dance) + +Cyril: I am a maiden, frank and simple, + Brimming with joyous roguery; + Merriment lurks in ev'ry dimple + Nobody breaks more hearts than I! + Nobody breaks more hearts, more hearts than +I + +All: Haughty, humble, coy, or free, + Little care I what maid may be. + So that a maid is fair to see, + Ev'ry maid is the maid for me! + + (Dance) + +Florian: I am a maiden coyly blushing, + Timid am I as a startled hind; + Every suitor sets me flushing, + Every suitor sets me flushing: + I am the maid that wins mankind! + +All: Haughty, humble, coy, or free, + Little care I what maid may be. + So that a maid is fair to see, + Ev'ry maid is the maid for me! + Haughty, humble, coy, or free, + Little care I what maid may be. + So that a maid is fair to see, + Ev'ry maid is the maid for me! + + [Enter the Princess, reading. She does not +see them.) + +Florian: But who comes here? The Princess, as I live! + What shall we do? + +Hilarion: (Aside) Why, we must brave it out! + (Aloud) Madam, accept our humblest reverence. + + (They bow, then suddenly recollecting +themselves, curtsey.) + +Princess: (Surprised) We greet you, ladies. What would you + with us? + +Hilarion: (Aside to Cyril) + What shall I say? (Aloud) We are three students, + ma'am, + Three well-born maids of liberal estate, + Who wish to join this University. + + (Hilarion and Florian curtsey again. Cyril bows +extravagantly, + then, being recalled to himself by Florian, +curtseys.) + +Princess: If, as you say, you wish to join our ranks, + And will subscribe to all our rules, 'tis well. + +Florian: To all your rules we cheerfully subscribe. + +Princess: You say you're noblewomen. Well, you'll find + No sham degrees for noblewomen here. + You'll find no sizars here, or servitors, + Or other cruel distinctions, meant to draw + A line 'twixt rich and poor; you'll find no tufts + To mark nobility, except such tufts + As indicate nobility of brain. + As for your fellow-students, mark me well: + There are a hundred maids within these walls, + All good, all learned, and all beautiful: + They are prepared to love you: will you swear + To give the fullness of your love to them? + +Hilarion: Upon our words and honours, Ma'am, we will! + +Princess: But we go further: Will you undertake + That you will never marry any man? + +Florian: Indeed we never will! + +Princess: Consider well, + You must prefer our maids to all mankind! + +Hilarion: To all mankind we much prefer your maids! + +Cyril: We should be dolts indeed, if we did not, seeing how + fair -- + +Hilarion: (Aside to Cyril) Take care -- that's rather strong! + +Princess: But have you left no lovers at your home + Who may pursue you here? + +Hilarion: No, madam, none. + We're homely ladies, as no doubt you see, + And we have never fished for lover's love. + We smile at girls who deck themselves with gems, + False hair and meretricious ornament, + To chain the fleeting fancy of a man, + But do not imitate them. What we have + Of hair, is all our own. Our colour, too, + Unladylike, but not unwomanly, + Is Nature's handiwork, and man has learnt + To reckon Nature an impertinence. + +Princess: Well, beauty counts for naught within these walls; + If all you say is true, you'll pass with us + A happy, happy time! + +Cyril: If, as you say, + A hundred lovely maidens wait within, + To welcome us with smiles and open arms, + I think there's very little doubt we shall! + + QUARTET (Princess, Cyril, Hilarion and Florian) + "The World is But a Broken Toy" + +Princess: The world is but a broken toy, + Its pleasure hollow -- false its joy, + Unreal its loveliest hue, + Alas! + Its pains alone are true, + Alas! + Its pains alone are true. + +Hilarion: The world is ev'rything you say, + The world we think has had its day. + Its merriment is slow. + Alas! + We've tried it, and we know, + Alas! + We've tried it and we know. + +All: Unreal its loveliest hue, + Its pains alone are true, + +Princess: Alas! + +All: The world is but a broken toy, + Its pleasure hollow -- false its joy, + Unreal its loveliest hue, + Alas! + Its pains alone are true, + Alas! + Its pains alone are true! + +Florian: Unreal its loveliest hue, + +3 Men: Unreal its loveliest hue, + +Princess: Cyr. & Flor: A- Hilarion: Un- +Un- las! real its +loveliest hue +real--- Alas! Alas! +----- +---- its loveliest hue + +All: Alas! + Alas! + Its pains alone are true. + + (Exit Princess. The three Gentlemen +watch her off. + Lady Psyche enters, and regards them with +amazement) + +Hilarion: I'faith, the plunge is taken, gentlemen! + For, willy-nilly, we are maidens now, + And maids against our will we must remain. + [All laugh +heartily.] + +Psyche: (Aside) These ladies are unseemly in their mirth. + + (The gentlemen see her, and, in confusion, +resume their + modest +demeanour.) + +Florian: (Aside) Here's a catastrophe, Hilarion! + This is my sister! She'll remember me, + Though years have passed since she and I have met! + +Hilarion: (Aside to Florian) Then make a virtue of necessity, + And trust our secret to her gentle care. + +Florian: (To Psyche, who has watched Cyril in amazement) + Psyche! Why, don't you know me? Florian! + +Psyche: (Amazed) Why, Florian! + +Florian: My sister! (Embraces her) + +Psyche: Oh, my dear! What are you doing here -- and who are + these? + +Hilarion: I am that Prince Hilarion to whom + Your Princess is betrothed. I come to claim + Her plighted love. Your brother Florian + And Cyril came to see me safely through. + +Psyche: The Prince Hilarion? Cyril too? How strange! + My earliest playfellows! + +Hilarion: Why, let me look! + Are you that learned little Psyche who + At school alarmed her mates because she called + A buttercup "ranunculus bulbosus"? + +Cyril: Are you indeed that Lady Psyche, who + At children's parties, drove the conjuror wild, + Explaining all his tricks before he did them? + +Hilarion: Are you that learned little Psyche, who + At dinner parties, brought in to dessert, + Would tackle visitors with "You don't know + Who first determined longitude -- I do -- + Hipparchus 'twas -- B. C. one sixty-three!" + Are you indeed that small phenomenon? + +Psyche: That small phenomenon indeed am I! + But gentlemen, 'tis death to enter here: + We have all promised to renounce mankind! + +Florian: Renounce mankind!? On what ground do you base + This senseless resolution? + +Psyche: Senseless? No. + We are all taught, and, being taught, believe + That Man, sprung from an Ape, is Ape at heart. + +Cyril: That's rather strong. + +Psyche: The truth is always strong! + + SONG (Lady Psyche, with Cyril, Hilarion and Florian) + "A Lady Fair, of Lineage High" + +Psyche: A Lady fair, of lineage high, + Was loved by an Ape, in the days gone by. + The Maid was radiant as the sun, + The Ape was a most unsightly one, + The Ape was a most unsightly one-- + So it would not do-- + His scheme fell through, + For the Maid, when his love took formal shape, + Express'd such terror + At his monstrous error, + That he stammer'd an apology and made his 'scape, + The picture of a disconcerted Ape. + + With a view to rise in the social scale, + He shaved his bristles and he docked his tail, + He grew mustachios, and he took his tub, + And he paid a guinea to a toilet club, + He paid a guinea to a toilet club-- + But it would not do, + The scheme fell through-- + For the Maid was Beauty's fairest Queen, + With golden tresses, + Like a real princess's, + While the Ape, despite his razor keen, + Was the apiest Ape that ever was seen! + He bought white ties, and he bought dress suits, + He crammed his feet into bright tight boots-- + And to start in life on a brand-new plan, + He christen'd himself Darwinian Man! + But it would not do, + The scheme fell through-- + For the Maiden fair, whom the monkey crav'd, + Was a radiant Being, + With brain far-seeing-- + While Darwinian Man, though well-behav'd, + At best is only a monkey shav'd! + +3 Men: For the Maiden fair, whom the monkey crav'd, + +All: Was a radiant being, + With a brain far-seeing-- + While Darwinian Man, though well-behav'd, + At best is only a monkey shav'd! + + (During this, Melissa has entered +unobserved; + she looks on in +amazement.) + +Melissa: (Coming down) Oh, Lady Psyche! + +Psyche: (Terrified) What! You heard us then? + Oh, all is lost! + +Melissa: Not so! I'll breathe no word! + (Advancing in astonishment to Florian) + How marvelously strange! and are you then + Indeed young men? + +Florian: Well, yes, just now we are-- + But hope by dint of study to become, + In course of time, young women. + +Melissa: (Eagerly) No, no, no -- + Oh, don't do that! Is this indeed a man? + I've often heard of them, but, till to-day, + Never set eyes on one. They told me men + Were hideous, idiotic, and deformed! + They are quite as beautiful as women are! + As beautiful, they're infinitely more so! + Their cheeks have not that pulpy softness which + One gets so weary of in womankind: + Their features are more marked -- and -- oh, their + chins! + (Feeling Florian's chin) + How curious! + +Florian: I fear it's rather rough. + +Melissa: (Eagerly) Oh, don't apologize -- I like it so! + + QUINTET (Psyche, Melissa, Cyril, Hilarion and Florian) + "The Woman of the Wisest Wit" + +Psyche: The woman of the wisest win + May sometimes be mistaken, O! + In Ida's views, I must admit, + My faith is somewhat shaken O! + +Cyril: On every other point than this + Her learning is untainted, O! + But Man's a theme with which she is + Entirely unacquainted, O! + --acquainted, O! + --acquainted, O! + Entirely unacquainted, O! + +All: Then jump for joy and gaily bound, + The truth is found -- the truth is found! + Set bells a-ringing through the air-- + Ring here and there and ev'rywhere-- + +3 Men: And echo forth the joyous sound, + +All: The truth is found -- the truth is found! + +3 Men: And echo forth the joyous sound, + +All: The truth is found -- the truth is found! + And echo forth the joyous sound, + The truth is found -- the truth is found! + + (Dance) + +Melissa: My natural instinct teaches me + (And instinct is important, O!) + You're ev'rything you ought to be, + And nothing that you oughtn't, O! + +Hilarion: That fact was seen at once by you + In casual conversation, O! + Which is most creditable to + Your powers of observation, O! + -servation, O! + -servation, O! + Your powers of observation, O! + +All: Then jump for joy and gaily bound, + The truth is found, the truth is found! + Set bells a-ringing through the air, + Ring here and there and ev'rywhere. + +3 Men: And echo forth the joyous sound, + +All: The truth is found -- the truth is found! + +3 Men: And echo forth the joyous sound, + +All: The truth is found -- the truth is found! + And echo forth the joyous sound, + The truth is found -- the truth is found! + + (Exeunt Psyche, Hilarion, Cyril +and Florian, + +Melissa going.) + + (Enter +Lady Blanche. + +Blanche: Melissa! + +Melissa: (Returning) Mother! + +Blanche: Here -- a word with you. + Those are the three new students? + +Melissa: (Confused) Yes, they are. + They're charming girls. + +Blanche: Particularly so. + So graceful, and so very womanly! + So skilled in all a girl's accomplishments! + +Melissa: (Confused) Yes -- very skilled. + +Blanche: They sing so nicely too! + +Melissa: They do sing nicely! + +Blanche: Humph! It's very odd. + Two are tenors, one is a baritone! + +Melissa: (Much agitated) They've all got colds! + +Blanche: Colds! Bah! D'ye think I'm blind? + These "girls" are men disguised! + +Melissa: Oh no -- indeed! + You wrong these gentlemen -- I mean -- why, see, + Here is an etui dropped by one of them (picking up an + etui). + Containing scissors, needles, and -- + +Blanche: (Opening it) Cigars! + Why, these are men! And you knew this, you minx! + +Melissa: Oh, spare them -- they are gentlemen indeed. + The Prince Hilarion (married years ago + To Princess Ida) with two trusted friends! + Consider, mother, he's her husband now, + And has been, twenty years! Consider, too, + You're only second here -- you should be first. + Assist the Prince's plan, and when he gains + The Princess Ida, why, you will be first. + You will design the fashions -- think of that-- + And always serve out all the punishments! + The scheme is harmless, mother -- wink at it! + +Blanche: (Aside) The prospect's tempting! Well, well, well, + I'll try -- + Though I've not winked at anything for years! + 'Tis but one step towards my destiny-- + The mighty Must! the inevitable Shall! + + DUET (Melissa and Lady Blanche) + "Now Wouldn't you like to Rule the Roast" + +Melissa: Now wouldn't you like to rule the roast + And guide this University? + +Blanche: I must agree, + 'Twould pleasant be, + (Sing hey, a Proper Pride!) + +Melissa: And wouldn't you like to clear the coast, + Of malice and perversity? + +Blanche: Without a doubt, + I'll bundle 'em out, + (Sing hey, when I preside!) + +Both: Sing hey! + Sing hoity toity! Sorry for some! + Sing marry, come up, and (my) her day will come! + Sing Proper Pride + Is the horse to ride, + And Happy-go-lucky, my Lady, O! + +Blanche: For years I've writhed beneath her sneers, + Although a born Plantagenet! + +Melissa: You're much too meek, + Or you would speak + (Sing hey, I'll say no more!) + +Blanche: Her elder I, by several years, + Although you'd ne'er imagine it. + +Melissa: Sing, so I've heard + But never a word + Have I e'er believ'd before! + +Both: Sing hey! + Sing hoity toity! Sorry for some! + Sing marry, come up, and her (my) day will come! + Sing, she shall learn + That a worm will turn. + Sing Happy-go-lucky, my Lady, O! + + (Exit +Lady Blanche) + +Melissa: Saved for a time, at least! + + (Enter Florian, +on tiptoe) + +Florian: (Whispering) Melissa -- come! + +Melissa: Oh, sir! you must away from this at once-- + My mother guessed your sex! It was my fault-- + I blushed and stammered so that she exclaimed, + "Can these be men?" Then, seeing this, "Why these--" + "Are men", she would have added, but "are men" + Stuck in her throat! She keeps your secret, sir, + For reasons of her own -- but fly from this + And take me with you -- that is -- no -- not that! + +Florian: I'll go, but not without you! (Bell) Why, what's + that? + +Melissa: The luncheon bell. + +Florian: I'll wait for luncheon then! + + (Enter Hilarion with Princess, +Cyril with + Psyche, Lady Blanche and +ladies. Also + "Daughters of the Plough" bearing +luncheon.) + + CHORUS OF GIRLS & SOLOS (Blanche and Cyril) + "Merrily Ring the Luncheon Bell" + +Chorus: Merrily ring the luncheon bell! + Merrily ring the luncheon bell! + Here in meadow of asphodel, + Feast we body and mind as well, + Merrily ring the luncheon + +1st Sops: 2nd Sops: + bell! - - - --- bell! Oh merrily + Ring - - - --- ring the luncheon + oh, --- bell, Oh + ring, - - - --- merrily, merrily, +merrily, + Oh, --- merrily + +Chorus: Merrily ring the luncheon bell, the luncheon +bell! + +Blanche: Hunger, I beg to state, + Is highly indelicate. + This is a fact profoundly true, + So learn your appetites to subdue. + +All: Yes, yes, + We'll learn our appetites to subdue! + +Cyril: Madam, your words so wise, + Nobody should despise, + Curs'd with appetite keen I am + And I'll subdue it-- + And I'll subdue it-- + I'll subdue it with cold roast lamb! + +All: Yes -- yes-- + We'll subdue it with cold roast lamb! + Merrily ring the luncheon bell! + Merrily ring the luncheon bell! + Oh + +1st Sops: ring! - - - --- 2nd Sophs: merrily, +merrily, + Oh, merrily, +merrily + +Chorus: Merrily ring the luncheon bell, the luncheon +bell! + +Princess: You say you know the court of Hildebrand? + There is a Prince there -- I forget his name -- + +Hilarion: Hilarion? + +Princess: Exactly -- is he well? + +Hilarion: If it be well to droop and pine and mope, + To sigh "Oh, Ida! Ida!" all day long, + "Ida! my love! my life! Oh, come to me!" + If it be well, I say, to do all this, + Then Prince Hilarion is very well. + +Princess: He breathes our name? Well, it's a common one! + And is the booby comely? + +Hilarion: Pretty well. + I've heard it said that if I dressed myself + In Prince Hilarion's clothes (supposing this + Consisted with my maiden modesty), + I might be taken for Hilarion's self. + But what is this to you or me, who think + Of all mankind with undisguised contempt? + +Princess: Contempt? Why, damsel, when I think of man, + Contempt is not the word. + +Cyril: (Getting tipsy) I'm sure of that, + Or if it is, it surely should not be! + +Hilarion: (Aside to Cyril) Be quiet, idiot, or they'll find us + out. + +Cyril: The Prince Hilarion's a goodly lad! + +Princess: You know him then? + +Cyril: (Tipsily) I rather think I do! + We are inseparables! + +Princess: Why, what's this? + You love him then? + +Cyril: We do indeed -- all +three! + +Hilarion: Madam, she jests! (Aside to Cyril) Remember where +you + are! + +Cyril: Jests? Not at all! Why, bless my heart alive, + You and Hilarion, when at the Court, + Rode the same horse! + +Princess: (Horrified) Astride? + +Cyril: Of course! Why not? + Wore the same clothes -- and once or twice, I think, + Got tipsy in the same good company! + +Princess: Well, these are nice young ladies, on my word! + +Cyril: (Tipsy) Don't you remember that old kissing-song + He'd sing to blushing Mistress Lalage, + The hostess of the Pigeons? Thus it ran: + + SONG (Cyril) + "Would you know the Kind of Maid" + + (During symphony Hilarion and +Florian try to + stop Cyril. He shakes them +off angrily.) + +Cyril: Would you know the kind of maid + Sets my heart aflame-a? + Eyes must be downcast and staid, + Cheeks must flush for shame-a! + She may neither dance nor sing, + But, demure in everything, + Hang her head in modest way, + With pouting lips, with pouting lips +that + seem to say, + "Oh kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, + Though I die of shame-a!" + Please you, that's the kind of maid + Sets my heart aflame-a! + "Kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, + Though I die of shame-a!" + Please you, that's the kind of maid + Sets my heart aflame-a! + + When a maid is bold and gay, + With a tongue goes clang-a, + Flaunting it in brave array, + Maiden may go hang-a + Sunflow'r gay and holly-hock + Never shall my garden stock; + Mine the blushing rose of May, + With pouting lips, with pouting lips +that + seem to say, + "Oh kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, + Though I die for shame-a!" + Please you, that's the kind of maid + Sets my heart aflame-a! + "Kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, + Though I die of shame-a!" + Please you, that's the kind of maid + Sets my heart aflame-a! + +Princess: Infamous creature, get you hence away! + + (Hilarion, Who has been with difficulty +restrained by + Florian during this song, breaks from him +and strikes + Cyril furiously on +the breast.) + +Hilarion: Dog! There is something more to sing about! + +Cyril: (Sobered) Hilarion, are you mad? + +Princess: (Horrified) Hilarion? Help! + Why, these are men! Lost! lost! betrayed, undone! + (Running on +to bridge) + Girls, get you hence! Man-monsters, if you dare + Approach one step, I --- Ah! + (Loses her balance and falls into +the stream) + +Psyche: Oh! Save her, sir! + +Blanche: It's useless, sir -- you'll only catch your death! + (Hilarion +springs in.) + +Sach.: He catches her! + +Melissa: And now he lets her go! + Again she's in his grasp-- + +Psyche: And now she's not, + He seizes her back hair! + +Blanche: (Not looking) And it comes off! + +Psyche: No, no! She's saved!--she's saved! she's +saved!--she's + saved! + + FINALE, ACT II + (Princess, Hildebrand, Melissa, Lady Psyche, Blanche, + Cyril, Hilarion, Florian, Arac, Guron, Scynthius and + Chorus of Girls and Men ) + + "Oh Joy! our Chief is Sav'd" + +Girls: Oh joy! our chief is sav'd + And by Hillarion's hand; + The torrent fierce he brav'd, + And brought her safe to land! + For his intrusion we must own + This doughty deed may well atone! + +Princess: Stand forth ye three, + Who-e'er ye be, + And hearken to our stern decree! + +Cyril, & +Florian: Have mercy, O Lady Hilarion: + Have + disregard your Mer-- + oaths! cy! + +Princess: I know no mercy, men in women's clothes! + The man whose sacrilegious eyes + Invade our strict seclusion, dies. + Arrest the coarse intruding spies! + + (They are arrested by the "Daughters of +the Plough") + +Girls: Have mercy, O lady -- disregard your oaths. + +Princess: I know not mercy, men in women's clothes! + + (Cyril & Florian +are bound) + + SONG -- Hilarion + +Hilarion: Whom thou has chain'd must wear his chain, + Thou canst not set him free, + He wrestles with his bonds in vain + Who lives by loving thee! + If heart of stone for heart of fire, + Be all thou hast to give, + If dead to my heart's desire, + Why should I wish to live? + +Cyr & Flo: Have Girls: Have + mercy, O Mer- + lady! cy! + +Hilarion: No word of thine -- no stern command + Can teach my heart to rove, + Then rather perish by thy hand, + Than live without they love! + A loveless life apart from thee + Were hopeless slavery, + Were hopeless slavery, + If kindly death will set me free, + Why should I fear to die? + +Girls: Have mercy! + +Hilarion: If kindly death + +Girls: Have mercy! + +Hilarion: will set me free, + If kindly death will set me free, + Why should I fear, + Why should I fear to die? + +(He is bound by two of the attendants, the three gentlemen are + marched off.) + +(Enter Melissa) + +Melissa: Madam, without the castle walls + An armed band + Demand admittance to our halls + For Hildebrand! + +All: Oh, horror! + +Princess: Defy them! + We will defy them! + +All: Too late -- too late! + The castle gate + Is battered by them! + +(The gate yields. Soldiers rush in. Arac, Guron, and Scynthius are + with them, but with their hands handcuffed. + +Men: Walls and fences scaling, + Promptly we appear; + Walls are unavailing, + We have enter'd here. + Female exaceration. + Stifle if you're wise. + Stop your lamentations, + Dry your pretty, pretty + +Girls: Rend the air with wailing. Men: eyes! + Shed the shameful tear! + Man has enter'd here. + Walls are unavailing. + +Girls: Rend the Men: Walls and + air fences + with scaling, + wail------ Promptly we appear; + ---------- Walls are unavailing. + ing. We have enter'd here. + Shed Female exe- + the cration. + shame- Stifle if + ful tear! you're wise. + Man Stop your lament- + has ation, + en- Dry your pret- + ter'd ty + here! eyes. O + Walls are stop your + un- lament- + a- ation, + vail- Dry your pretty pretty + ing. eyes! Female exe- + Man cration. Stifle + has if you're + en- wise. Stop your lament- + ter'd ation, Dry your pretty + here! eyes. + + (Enter Hildebrand) + + RECITATIVE + +Princess: Audacious tyrant, do you dare + To beard a maiden in her lair? + +Hildebd: Since you inquire, + We've no desire + To beard a maiden here, or anywhere! + +Soldiers: No, no. We've no desire + To beard a maiden here or anywhere! + + SOLO -- Hildebrand + +Hildebd: Some years ago, + No doubt you know + (And if you don't I'll tell you so) + You gave your troth + Upon your oath + To Hilarion my son. + A vow you make + You must not break, + (If you think you may, it's a great mistake), + For a bride's a bride + Though the knot were tied + At the early age of one! + And I'm a peppery kind of King, + Whose indisposed for parleying + To fit the wit of a bit of chit, + And that's the long and the short of +it! + +Soldiers: For he's a peppery kind of King, + Whose indisposed for parleying + To fit the wit of a bit of chit, + And that's the long and the short of it! + +Hildebd: If you decide + To pocket your pride + And let Hilarion claim his bride, + Why, well and good, + It's understood + We'll let bygones go by-- + But if you choose + To sulk in the blues + I'll make the whole of you shake in your shoes. + I'll storm your walls, + And level your halls, + In the winking of an eye! + For I'm a peppery Potentate, + Who's little inclined his claim to +bate, + To fit the wit of a bit of a chit, + And thats the long and the short of +it! + +Soldiers: For he's a peppery Potentate, + Whose indisposed for parleying, + To fit the wit of a bit of chit, + And that's the long and the short of it! + + TRIO -- Arac, Guron & Scynthius + +All 3: We may remark, though nothing can + Dismay us, + That if you thwart this gentleman, + He'll slay us. + We don't fear death, of course -- we're taught + To shame it; + But still upon the whole we thought + We'd name it. +(To each other) +Scynthius: Yes! + +Guron: Yes! + +Arac: Yes! + +All 3: Better p'r'aps to name it. + + Our interests we would not press + With chatter, + Three hulking brothers more or less + Don't matter; + If you'd pooh-pooh this monarch's plan + Pooh-pooh it, + But when he says he'll hang a man, + He'll do it. +(To each other) +Scynthius: Yes! + +Guron: Yes! + +Arac: Yes! + +All 3: Devil doubt he'll do it. + +Princess: Be reassured, nor fear his anger blind, + His menaces are idle as the wind. + He dares not kill you -- vengeance lurks behind! + +3 Knights: We rather think he dares, but never mind! + +Hildebd: I 3 Knights: + rather No! + think I No! + dare, but No! + never, never mind! never never mind! + Enough of + No, + parley no, + never nev- + as a er + spe- mind! + cial + No! + boon. no! never, never mind! + We give you till tomorrow + afternoon; + + +Hildebd: Release Hilarion, then, + And be his bride + Or you'll incur the guilt of fratricide! + +Princess: To yield at once to such a foe + With shame we're rife; + So quick! away with him, although + He sav'd my life! + That he is fair, and strong, and tall + Is very evident to all, + Yet I will die, + Yet I will die, before I call myself his + +Princess: All Others: + wife! - --- Oh, yield at once, 'twere better +so, + - - - --- Than risk a strife! + And let the Prince Hilarion go. + He Saved thy life! + That Hi- + he is la-rion's + fair and fair, + strong and and + tall, strong and tall, + tall, + Is - - - - - + - - - - - - A + very worse mis- + evi- for- + dent to tune + all, might befall. + Yet + I will It's + die, will die before I call not so dreadful after all, + Myself his wife! To be his wife! + Though I am but a girl + Defiance thus I hurl + Our banners all + On outer wall + We fearlessly unfurl + +(The Princess stands, surrounded by girls kneeling. Hildebrand and + soldiers stand on built rocks at back and sides of stage. + Picture.) + + + END OF ACT II ACT III + +SCENE -- Outer Walls and Courtyard of Castle Adamant. Melissa, + SachaRissa, and ladies discovered, armed with + battleaxes. + + CHORUS + "Death to the Invader!" + +Chorus: Death to the invader! + Strike a deadly blow, + As an old Crusader + Struck his Paynim foe! + Let our martial thunder + Fill his soul with wonder, + Tear his ranks asunder, + Lay the tyrant low! + Death to the invader! + Strike a deadly blow, + As an old Crusader + Struck his Paynim foe! + +Melissa: Thus our courage, all untarnish'd, + We're instructed to display; + But to tell the truth unvarnish'd, + We are more inclined to say, + "Please you, do not hurt us," + +All: "Do not hurt us, if it please you!" + +Melissa: "Please you let us be." + +All: "Let us be -- let us be!" + +Melissa: "Soldiers disconcert us." + +All: "Disconcert us, if it please you!" + +Melissa: "Frighten'd maids are we!" + +All: "Maids are we, maids are we!" + +Melissa: Please you, + +All: Do not hurt us; + +Melissa: Please you, + +All: Let us be. + +Mel & Cho: Frighten'd maids are we, frighten'd maids are we! + +Melissa: But 'twould be an error + To confess our terror, + So in Ida's name, + Boldly we exclaim: + +Mel & Cho: Death to the invader! + Strike a deadly blow, + As an old Crusader + Struck his Paynim foe! + +(Flourish. Enter Princess, armed, attended by Blanche and Psyche.) + +Princess: I like your spirit, girls! We have to meet + Stern bearded warriors in fight to-day; + Wear naught but what is necessary to + Preserve your dignity before their eyes, + And give your limbs full play. + +Blanche: One moment, ma'am, + Here is a paradox we should not pass + Without inquiry. We are prone to say + "This thing is Needful -- that, Superfluous"-- + Yet they invariably co-exist! + We find the Needful comprehended in + The circle of the grand Superfluous, + Yet the Superfluous cannot be brought + Unless you're amply furnished with the Needful. + These singular considerations are-- + +Princess: Superfluous, yet not Needful -- so you see + The terms may independently exist. +(To Ladies) Women of Adamant, we have to show + That women, educated to the task, + Can meet Man, face to face, on his own ground, + And beat him there. Now, let us set to work; + Where is our lady surgeon? + +Sach.: Madam, here! + +Princess: We shall require your skill to heal the wounds + Of those that fall. + +Sach.: (Alarmed) What, heal the wounded? + +Princess: Yes! + +Sach.: And cut off real live legs and arms? + +Princess: Of course! + +Sach.: I wouldn't do it for a thousand pounds! + +Princess: Why, how is this? Are you faint-hearted, girl? + You've often cut them off in theory! + +Sach.: In theory I'll cut them off again + With pleasure, and as often as you like, + But not in practice. + +Princess: Coward! Get you hence, + I've craft enough for that, and courage too, + I'll do your work! My fusiliers, advance!, + Why, you are armed with axes! Gilded toys! + Where are your rifles, pray? + +Chloe: Why, please you, ma'am, + We left them in the armoury, for fear + That in the heat and turmoil of the fight, + They might go off! + +Princess: "They might!" Oh, craven souls! + Go off yourselves! Thank heaven I have a heart + That quails not at the thought of meeting men; + I will discharge your rifles! Off with you! + +(Exit Chloe) + Where's my bandmistress? + +Ada: Please you, ma'am, the band + Do not feel well, and can't come out today! + +Princess: Why, this is flat rebellion! I've no time + To talk to them just now. But, happily, + I can play several instruments at once, + And I will drown the shrieks of those that fall + With trumpet music, such as soldiers love! + How stand we with respect to gunpowder? + My Lady Psyche -- you who superintend + Our lab'ratory -- are you well prepared + To blow these bearded rascals into shreds? + +Psyche: Why, madam-- + +Princess: Well? + +Psyche: Let us try gentler means. + We can dispense with fulminating grains + While we have eyes with which to flash our rage! + We can dispense with villainous saltpetre + While we have tongues with which to blow them up! + We can dispense, in short, with all the arts + That brutalize the practical polemist! + +Princess: (Contemptuously) I never knew a more dispensing + chemist! + Away, away -- I'll meet these men alone + Since all my women have deserted me! + + (Exeunt all but Princess, singing +refrain of + "Please you, do not hurt us", +pianissimo.) + +Princess: So fail my cherished plans -- so fails my faith-- + And with it hope, and all that comes of hope! + + Song - Princess + "I Built upon a Rock" + +Princess: I built upon a rock, + But ere Destruction's hand + Dealt equal lot + To Court and cot, + My rock had turn'd to sand! + I leant upon an oak, + But in the hour of need, + Alack-a-day, + My trusted stay + Was but a bruis-ed reed! + A bruis-ed reed! + Ah faithless rock, + My simple faith to mock! + Ah trait'rous oak, + Thy worthlessness to cloak, + Thy worthlessness to cloak! + + I drew a sword of steel + But when to home and hearth + The battle's breath + Bore fire and death, + My sword was but a lath! + I lit a beacon fire, + But on a stormy day + Of frost and rime, + In wintertime, + My fire had died away, + Had died away! + Ah, coward steel, + That fear can un-anneal! + False fire indeed, + To fail me in my need, + To fail me in my need! + +(Princess Sinks upon a rock. Enter Chloe and all the Ladies) + +Chloe: Madam, your father and your brothers claim + An audience! + +Princess: What do they do here? + +Chloe: They come + To fight for you! + +Princess: Admit them! + +Blanche: Infamous! + One's brothers, ma'am, are men! + +Princess: So I have heard. + But all my women seem to fail me when + I need them most. In this emergency, + Even one's brothers may be turned to use. + +Gama: (Entering, pale and unnerved) My daughter! + +Princess: Father! Thou art free! + +Gama: Aye, free! + Free as a tethered ass! I come to thee + With words from Hildebrand. Those duly given + I must return to blank captivity. + I'm free so far. + +Princess: Your message. + +Gama: Hildebrand + Is loth to war with women. Pit my sons, + My three brave sons, against these popinjays, + These tufted jack-a-dandy featherheads, + And on the issue let thy hand depend! + +Princess: Insult on insult's head! Are we a stake + For fighting men? What fiend possesses thee, + That thou has come with offers such as these + From such as he to such an one as I? + +Gama: I am possessed + By the pale devil of a shaking heart! + My stubborn will is bent. I dare not face + That devilish monarch's black malignity! + He tortures me with torments worse than death, + I haven't anything to grumble at! + He finds out what particular meats I love, + And gives me them. The very choicest wines, + The costliest robes -- the richest rooms are mine. + He suffers none to thwart my simplest plan, + And gives strict orders none should contradict me! + He's made my life a curse! (Weeps) + +Princess: My tortured father! + + SONG (King GAMA with CHORUS of GIRLS) + "Whene'er I Spoke" + +Gama: Whene'er I poke + Sarcastic joke + Replete with malice spiteful, + This people mild + Politely smil'd, + And voted me delightful! + + Now, when a wight + Sits up all night + Ill-natur'd jokes devising, + And all his wiles + Are met with smiles + It's hard, there's no disguising! + + Ah! Oh, don't the days seem lank and long + When all goes right and nothing goes wrong, + And isn't your life extremely flat + With nothing whatever to grumble at! + +Chorus: Oh, isn't your life extremely flat + With nothing whatever to grumble at! + +Gama: When German bands + From music stands + Play'd Wagner imperfectly -- + I bade them go-- + They didn't say no, + But off they went directly! + The organ boys + They stopp'd their noise, + With readiness surprising, + And grinning herds + Of hurdy-gurds + Retired apologising! + Ah! Oh, don't the days seem lank and long + When all goes right and nothing goes wrong, + And isn't your life extremely flat + With nothing whatever to grumble at! + +Chorus: Oh, isn't your life extremely flat + With nothing whatever to grumble at! + +Gama: I offer'd gold + In sums untold + To all who'd contradict me-- + I said I'd pay + A pound a day + To any one who kick'd me-- + I've brib'd with toys + Great vulgar boys + To utter something spiteful, + But, bless you, no! + They would be so + Confoundedly politeful! + + Ah! In short, these aggravating lads, + They tickle my tastes, they feed my fads, + They give me this and they give me that, + And I've nothing whatever to grumble at! + +Chorus: Oh, isn't your life extremely flat + With nothing whatever to grumble at! + + (Gama Bursts into tears and falls sobbing +on a seat.) + +Princess: My poor old father! How he must have suffered! + Well, well, I yield! + +Gama: (Hysterically) She yields! I'm saved, I'm saved! + (Exit) + +Princess: Open the gates -- admit these warriors, + Then get you all within the castle walls. + (Exit) + + (The gates are opened and the Girls mount the +battlements as the + Soldiers enter. Arac, Guron and Scynthius +also enter.) + + Chorus of Soldiers + "When anger spreads his wing" + +Chorus: When anger spread his wing, + And all seems dark as night for it, + There's nothing but to fight for it, + But ere you pitch your ring, + Select a pretty site for it, + (This spot is suited quite for it,) + And then you gaily sing, + And then you gaily sing: + + "Oh I love the jolly rattle + Of an orde-al by battle, + There's an end of tittle-tattle + When your enemy is dead. + It's an arrant molly-coddle + Fears a crack upon his noddle + And he's only fit to swaddle + In a downy feather-bed! + +Ladies: For a Soldiers: Oh, I + fight's love the + a jolly + kind rattle + of Of an + thing orde-al by battle + That I There's an + love end of + to tittle + look tattle, + up- When your + on, enemy is dead. + So It's an + let arrant + us molly- + sing, coddle + Long Fears a + live crack upon + the his + King, noddle, + And his And he's + son only fit to + Hi- swaddle, In a + la- downy fea- + ri-on! ther bed! + + (During this, Hilarion, Florian, +and Cyril are + brought out by the "Daughters of +the Plough". + They are still bound and wear +the robes. + +Enter GAMA.) + +Gama: Hilarion! Cyril! Florian! dressed as women! + Is this indeed Hilarion? + +Hilar.: Yes, it is! + +Gama: Why, you look handsome in your women's clothes! + Stick to 'em! Men's attire becomes you not! +(To CYRIL and FLORIAN) And you, young ladies, will you please to +pray + King Hildebrand to set me free again? + Hang on his neck and gaze into his eyes, + He never could resist a pretty face! + +Hilar.: You dog, you'll find, though I wear woman's garb, + My sword is long and sharp! + +Gama: Hush, pretty one! + Here's a virago! Here's a termagant! + If length and sharpness go for anything, + You'll want no sword while you can wag your tongue! + +Cyril: What need to waste your words on such as he? + He's old and crippled. + +Gama: Aye, but I've three sons, + Fine fellows, young and muscular, and brave, + They're well worth talking to! Come, what d'ye say? + +Arac: Aye, pretty ones, engage yourselves with us, + If three rude warriors affright you not! + +Hilar.: Old as you are, I'd wring your shrivelled neck + If you were not the Princess Ida's father. + +Gama: If I were not the Princess Ida's father, + And so had not her brothers for my sons, + No doubt you'd wring my neck -- in safety too! + Come, come, Hilarion, begin, begin! + Give them no quarter -- they will give you none. + You've this advantage over warriors + Who kill their country's enemies for pay,-- + You know what you are fighting for -- look there! + (Pointing to Ladies on the +battlements) + + (Exit Gamma. Hilarion, Florian, and Cyril +are led off.) + + SONG (Arac, Guron, Scynthius and Chorus) + "This Helmet, I Suppose" + +Arac: This helmet, I suppose, + Was meant to ward off blows, + It's very hot + And weighs a lot, + As many a guardsman knows, + As many a guardsman knows, + As many a guardsman knows, + As many a guardsman knows, + So off, so off that helmet goes. + +Others: Yes, yes, yes, + So off that helmet goes! + + (Giving their helmets to +attendants) + +Arac: This tight-fitting cuirass + Is but a useless mass, + It's made of steel, + And weighs a deal, + This tight-fitting cuirass + Is but a useless mass, + A man is but an ass + Who fights in a cuirass, + So off, so off goes that cuirass. + +Others: Yes, yes, yes, + So off goes that cuirass! + (Removing +cuirasses) + +Arac: These brassets, truth to tell, + May look uncommon well, + But in a fight + They're much too tight, + They're like a lobster shell, + They're like a lobster shell! + +Others: Yes, yes, yes, + They're like a lobster shell. + (Removing +their brassets) + +Arac: These things I treat the same + (indicating leg pieces) + (I quite forget their name.) + They turn one's legs + To cribbage pegs-- + Their aid I thus disclaim, + Their aid I thus disclaim, + Though I forget their name, + Though I forget their name, + Their aid, their aid I thus disclaim! + +Others: Yes, yes, yes, +All: Their aid (we/they) thus disclaim! + +(They remove their leg pieces and wear close-fitting shape suits.) + + Enter Hilarion, Florian, and Cyril + + (Desperate fight between the three Princes +and the three + Knights, during which the Ladies on the +battlements and + the Soldiers on the stage sing the +following chorus): + + CHORUS DURING THE FIGHT + "This is our Duty" + +Chorus: This is our duty plain towards + Our Princess all immaculate, + We ought to bless her brothers' swords, + And piously ejaculate: + Oh, Hungary! + Oh, Hungary! + Oh, doughty sons of Hungary! + May all success + Attend and bless + Your warlike ironmongery! + + Hilarion! Hilarion! Hilarion! + + (By this time, Arac, Guron, and +Scynthius are + on the ground, wounded -- +Hilarion, Cyril and + Florian stand +over them.) + +Princess: (Entering through gate and followed by Ladies, + Hildebrand, and Gama.) + Hold! stay your hands! -- we yield ourselves to you! + Ladies, my brothers all lie bleeding there! + Bind up their wounds -- but look the other way. + (Coming down) Is this the end? (Bitterly to Lady +Blanche) + How say you, Lady Blanche-- + Can I with dignity my post resign? + And if I do, will you then take my place? + +Blanche: To answer this, it's meet that we consult + The great Potential Mysteries; I mean + The five Subjunctive Possibilities-- + The May, the Might, the Would, the Could, the Should. + Can you resign? The Prince May claim you; if + He Might, you Could -- and if you Should, I Would! + +Princess: I thought as much! Then to my fate I yield-- + So ends my cherished scheme! Oh, I had hoped + To band all women with my maiden throng, + And make them all abjure tyrannic Man! + +Hildebd: A noble aim! + +Princess: You ridicule it now; + But if I carried out this glorious scheme, + At my exalted name Posterity + Would bow in gratitude! + +Hildebd: But pray +reflect -- + If you enlist all women in your cause, + And make them all abjure tyrannic Man, + The obvious question then arises, "How + Is this Posterity to be provided?" + +Princess: I never thought of that! My Lady Blanche, + How do you solve the riddle? + +Blanche: Don't ask me -- + Abstract Philosophy won't answer it. + Take him -- he is your Shall. Give in to Fate! + +Princess: And you desert me. I alone am staunch! + +Hilarion: Madam, you placed your trust in Woman -- well, + Woman has failed you utterly -- try Man, + Give him one chance, it's only fair -- besides, + Women are far too precious, too divine, + To try unproven theories upon. + Experiments, the proverb says, are made + On humble subjects -- try our grosser clay, + And mould it as you will! + +Cyril: Remember, too + Dear Madam, if at any time you feel + A-weary of the Prince, you can return + To Castle Adamant, and rule your girls + As heretofore, you know. + +Princess: And shall I find + The Lady Psyche here? + +Psyche: If Cyril, ma'am, + Does not behave himself, I think you will. + +Princess: And you Melissa, shall I find you here? + +Melissa: Madam, however Florian turns out, + Unhesitatingly I answer, No! + +Gama: Consider this, my love, if your mama + Had looked on matters from your point of view + (I wish she had), why where would you have been? + +Blanche: There's an unbounded field of speculation, + On which I could discourse for hours! + +Princess: No doubt! + We will not trouble you. Hilarion, + I have been wrong -- I see my error now. + Take me, Hilarion -- "We will walk this world + Yoked in all exercise of noble end! + And so through those dark gates across the wild + That no one knows!" Indeed, I love thee -- Come! + + Finale + "With joy abiding" + +Princess: With joy abiding, + Together gliding + Through life's variety, + In sweet society, + And thus enthroning + The love I'm owning, + On this atoning + I will rely! + +Chorus: It were profanity + For poor humanity + To treat as vanity + The sway of Love. + In no locality + Or principality + Is our mortality + It's sway above! + +Hilarion: When day is fading, + With serenading + And such frivolity + Of tender quality-- + With scented showers + Of fairest flowers, + The happy hours + Will gaily fly! + The happy hours will gaily fly! + +Chorus: It were profanity + For poor humanity + To treat as vanity + The sway of Love. + In no locality + Or principality + Is our mortality + It's sway above! + +1st Sops: In no lo- Others: + cality Or princi- Its + pality Is our mor- sway + tality It's sway a- a- + bove! bove! + +Princess & With scented Others: +Hilarion: showers Of fairest Its + flowers, The happy sway + hours will gaily a- + fly! bove! + +All: In no locality + Or principality + Is our mortality + Above the sway of love! + + + Curtain + + + RUDDIGORE + + or + + The Witch's Curse + + + DRAMATIS PERSONAE + + MORTALS + +SIR RUTHVEN MURGATROYD (disguised as Robin Oakapple, a Young + Farmer) +RICHARD DAUNTLESS (his Foster-Brother, a Man-o'-war's man) +SIR DESPARD MURGATROYD, OF RUDDIGORE (a Wicked Baronet) +OLD ADAM GOODHEART (Robin's Faithful Servant) +ROSE MAYBUD (a Village Maiden) +MAD MARGARET +DAME HANNAH (Rose's Aunt) +ZORAH and RUTH (Professional Bridesmaids) + + GHOSTS + +SIR RUPERT MURGATROYD (the First Baronet) +SIR JASPER MURGATROYD (the Third Baronet) +SIR LIONEL MURGATROYD (the Sixth Baronet) +SIR CONRAD MURGATROYD (the Twelfth Baronet) +SIR DESMOND MURGATROYD (the Sixteenth Baronet) +SIR GILBERT MURGATROYD (the Eighteenth Baronet) +SIR MERVYN MURGATROYD (the Twentieth Baronet) + and +SIR RODERIC MURGATROYD (the Twenty-first Baronet) + +Chorus of Officers, Ancestors, Professional Bridesmaids, and + Villagers + + ACT I + + The Fishing Village of Rederring, in Cornwall + + ACT II + + The Picture Gallery in Ruddigore Castle + + TIME + + Early in the 19th Century + + ACT I + + +SCENE. The fishing village of Rederring (in Cornwall). Rose + Maybud's cottage is seen L. + +Enter Chorus of Bridesmaids. They range themselves in front of + Rose's cottage. + + CHORUS OF BRIDESMAIDS. + + Fair is Rose as bright May-day; + Soft is Rose as the warm west-wind; + Sweet is Rose as the new-mown hay-- + Rose is queen of maiden-kind! + Rose, all glowing + With virgin blushes, say-- + Is anybody going + To marry you to-day? + + SOLO--ZORAH. + + Every day, as the days roll on, + Bridesmaids' garb we gaily don, + Sure that a maid so fairly famed + Can't long remain unclaimed. + Hour by hour and day by day, + Several months have passed away, + Though she's the fairest flower that blows, + No one has married Rose! + + CHORUS. + + Rose, all glowing + With virgin blushes, say-- + Is anybody going + To marry you to-day? + +ZORAH. Hour by hour and day by day, + Months have passed away. + +CHORUS. Fair is Rose as bright Mayday, etc. + + (Enter Dame Hannah, from cottage.) + + HANNAH. Nay, gentle maidens, you sing well but vainly, for +Rose is still heart-free, and looks but coldly upon her many +suitors. + ZORAH. It's very disappointing. Every young man in the +village is in love with her, but they are appalled by her beauty +and modesty, and won't declare themselves; so, until she makes +her own choice, there's no chance for anybody else. + RUTH. This is, perhaps, the only village in the world that +possesses an endowed corps of professional bridesmaids who are +bound to be on duty every day from ten to four--and it is at +least six months since our services were required. The pious +charity by which we exist is practically wasted! + ZOR. We shall be disendowed--that will be the end of it! +Dame Hannah--you're a nice old person--you could marry if you +liked. There's old Adam--Robin's faithful servant--he loves you +with all the frenzy of a boy of fourteen. + HAN. Nay--that may never be, for I am pledged! + ALL. To whom? + HAN. To an eternal maidenhood! Many years ago I was +betrothed to a god-like youth who woo'd me under an assumed name. +But on the very day upon which our wedding was to have been +celebrated, I discovered that he was no other than Sir Roderic +Murgatroyd, one of the bad Baronets of Ruddigore, and the uncle +of the man who now bears that title. As a son of that accursed +race he was no husband for an honest girl, so, madly as I loved +him, I left him then and there. He died but ten years since, but +I never saw him again. + ZOR. But why should you not marry a bad Baronet of +Ruddigore? + RUTH. All baronets are bad; but was he worse than other +baronets? + HAN. My child, he was accursed. + ZOR. But who cursed him? Not you, I trust! + HAN. The curse is on all his line and has been, ever since +the time of Sir Rupert, the first Baronet. Listen, and you shall +hear the legend: + + LEGEND--HANNAH. + + Sir Rupert Murgatroyd + His leisure and his riches + He ruthlessly employed + In persecuting witches. + With fear he'd make them quake-- + He'd duck them in his lake-- + He'd break their bones + With sticks and stones, + And burn them at the stake! + +CHORUS. This sport he much enjoyed, + Did Rupert Murgatroyd-- + No sense of shame + Or pity came + To Rupert Murgatroyd! + + Once, on the village green, + A palsied hag he roasted, + And what took place, I ween, + Shook his composure boasted; + For, as the torture grim + Seized on each withered limb, + The writhing dame + `Mid fire and flame + Yelled forth this curse on him: + + "Each lord of Ruddigore, + Despite his best endeavour, + Shall do one crime, or more, + Once, every day, for ever! + This doom he can't defy, + However he may try, + For should he stay + His hand, that day + In torture he shall die!" + + The prophecy came true: + Each heir who held the title + Had, every day, to do + Some crime of import vital; + Until, with guilt o'erplied, + "I'll Sin no more!" he cried, + And on the day + He said that say, + In agony he died! + +CHORUS. And thus, with sinning cloyed, + Has died each Murgatroyd, + And so shall fall, + Both one and all, + Each coming Murgatroyd! + + (Exeunt Chorus of Bridesmaids.) + +(Enter Rose Maybud from cottage, with small basket on her arm.) + + HAN. Whither away, dear Rose? On some errand of charity, +as is thy wont? + ROSE. A few gifts, dear aunt, for deserving villagers. Lo, +here is some peppermint rock for old gaffer Gadderby, a set of +false teeth for pretty little Ruth Rowbottom, and a pound of +snuff for the poor orphan girl on the hill. + HAN. Ah, Rose, pity that so much goodness should not help +to make some gallant youth happy for life! Rose, why dost thou +harden that little heart of thine? Is there none hereaway whom +thou couldst love? + ROSE. And if there were such an one, verily it would ill +become me to tell him so. + HAN. Nay, dear one, where true love is, there is little +need of prim formality. + ROSE. Hush, dear aunt, for thy words pain me sorely. Hung +in a plated dish-cover to the knocker of the workhouse door, with +naught that I could call mine own, save a change of baby-linen +and a book of etiquette, little wonder if I have always regarded +that work as a voice from a parent's tomb. This hallowed volume +(producing a book of etiquette), composed, if I may believe the +title-page, by no less an authority than the wife of a Lord +Mayor, has been, through life, my guide and monitor. By its +solemn precepts I have learnt to test the moral worth of all who +approach me. The man who bites his bread, or eats peas with a +knife, I look upon as a lost creature, and he who has not +acquired the proper way of entering and leaving a room is the +object of my pitying horror. There are those in this village who +bite their nails, dear aunt, and nearly all are wont to use their +pocket combs in public places. In truth I could pursue this +painful theme much further, but behold, I have said enough. + HAN. But is there not one among them who is faultless, in +thine eyes? For example--young Robin. He combines the manners +of a Marquis with the morals of a Methodist. Couldst thou not +love him? + ROSE. And even if I could, how should I confess it unto +him? For lo, he is shy, and sayeth naught! + + BALLAD--ROSE. + + If somebody there chanced to be + Who loved me in a manner true, + My heart would point him out to me, + And I would point him out to you. +(Referring But here it says of those who point-- +to book.) Their manners must be out of joint-- + You may not point-- + You must not point-- + It's manners out of joint, to point! + + Ah! Had I the love of such as he, + Some quiet spot he'd take me to, + Then he could whisper it to me, + And I could whisper it to you. +(Referring But whispering, I've somewhere met, +to book.) Is contrary to etiquette: + Where can it be (Searching book.) + Now let me see--(Finding reference.) + Yes, yes! + It's contrary to etiquette! + + (Showing it to Dame Hannah.) + + If any well-bred youth I knew, + Polite and gentle, neat and trim, + Then I would hint as much to you, + And you could hint as much to him. +(Referring But here it says, in plainest print, +to book.) "It's most unladylike to hint"-- + You may not hint, + You must not hint-- + It says you mustn't hint, in print! + + Ah! And if I loved him through and through-- + (True love and not a passing whim), + Then I could speak of it to you, + And you could speak of it to him. +(Referring But here I find it doesn't do +to book.) To speak until you're spoken to. + Where can it be? (Searching book.) + Now let me see--(Finding reference.) + Yes, yes! + "Don't speak until you're spoken to!" + (Exit Dame Hannah.) + + ROSE. Poor aunt! Little did the good soul think, when she +breathed the hallowed name of Robin, that he would do even as +well as another. But he resembleth all the youths in this +village, in that he is unduly bashful in my presence, and lo, it +is hard to bring him to the point. But soft, he is here! + + (Rose is about to go when Robin enters and calls her.) + +ROBIN. Mistress Rose! +ROSE. (Surprised.) Master Robin! +ROB. I wished to say that--it is fine. +ROSE. It is passing fine. +ROB. But we do want rain. +ROSE. Aye, sorely! Is that all? +ROB. (Sighing.) That is all. +ROSE. Good day, Master Robin! +ROB. Good day, Mistress Rose! (Both going--both stop.) +ROSE. I crave pardon, I-- +ROB. I beg pardon, I-- +ROSE. You were about to say?-- +ROB. I would fain consult you-- +ROSE. Truly? +ROB. It is about a friend. +ROSE. In truth I have a friend myself. +ROB. Indeed? I mean, of course-- +ROSE. And I would fain consult you-- +ROB. (Anxiously.) About him? +ROSE. (Prudishly.) About her. +ROB. (Relieved.) Let us consult one another. + + DUET-ROBIN and ROSE + +ROB. I know a youth who loves a little maid-- + (Hey, but his face is a sight for to see!) + Silent is he, for he's modest and afraid-- + (Hey, but he's timid as a youth can be!) + +ROSE. I know a maid who loves a gallant youth, + (Hey, but she sickens as the days go by!) + She cannot tell him all the sad, sad truth-- + (Hey, but I think that little maid will die!) + +ROB. Poor little man! + +ROSE. Poor little maid! + +ROB. Poor little man! + +ROSE. Poor little maid! + +BOTH. Now tell me pray, and tell me true, + What in the world should the (young man\maiden) do? + +ROB. He cannot eat and he cannot sleep-- + (Hey, but his face is a sight for to see!) + Daily he goes for to wail--for to weep-- + (Hey, but he's wretched as a youth can be!) + +ROSE. She's very thin and she's very pale-- + (Hey, but she sickens as the days go by!) + Daily she goes for to weep--for to wail-- + (Hey, but I think that little maid will die!) + +ROB. Poor little maid! + +ROSE. Poor little man! + +ROB. Poor little maid! + +ROSE. Poor little man! + +BOTH. Now tell me pray, and tell me true, + What in the world should the (young man\maiden) do? + +ROSE. If I were the youth I should offer her my name-- + (Hey, but her face is a sight for to see!) + +ROB. If were the maid I should fan his honest flame-- + (Hey, but he's bashful as a youth can be!) + +ROSE. If I were the youth I should speak to her to-day-- + (Hey, but she sickens as the days go by!) + +ROB. If I were the maid I should meet the lad half way-- + (For I really do believe that timid youth will + die!) + +ROSE. Poor little man! + +ROB. Poor little maid! + +ROSE. Poor little man! + +ROB. Poor little maid! + +BOTH. I thank you, (miss\sir), for your counsel true; + I'll tell that (youth\maid) what (he\she) ought to + do! + (Exit ROSE.) + + ROB. Poor child! I sometimes think that if she wasn't +quite so particular I might venture--but no, no--even then I +should be unworthy of her! + + (He sit desponding. Enter Old Adam.) + + ADAM. My kind master is sad! Dear Sir Ruthven Murgatroyd-- + ROB. Hush! As you love me, breathe not that hated name. +Twenty years ago, in horror at the prospect of inheriting that +hideous title, and with it the ban that compels all who succeed +to the baronetcy to commit at least one deadly crime per day, for +life, I fled my home, and concealed myself in this innocent +village under the name of Robin Oakapple. My younger brother, +Despard, believing me to be dead, succeeded to the title and its +attendant curse. For twenty years I have been dead and buried. +Don't dig me up now. + ADAM. Dear master, it shall be as you wish, for have I not +sworn to obey you for ever in all things? Yet, as we are here +alone, and as I belong to that particular description of good old +man to whom the truth is a refreshing novelty, let me call you by +your own right title once more! (Robin assents.) Sir Ruthven +Murgatroyd! Baronet! Of Ruddigore! Whew! It's like eight +hours at the seaside! + ROB. My poor old friend! Would there were more like you! + ADAM. Would there were indeed! But I bring you good +tidings. Your foster-brother, Richard, has returned from +sea--his ship the Tom-Tit rides yonder at anchor, and he himself +is even now in this very village! + ROB. My beloved foster-brother? No, no--it cannot be! + ADAM. It is even so--and see, he comes this way! + (Exeunt together.) + + (Enter Chorus of Bridesmaids.) + + CHORUS. + + From the briny sea + Comes young Richard, all victorious! + Valorous is he-- + His achievements all are glorious! + Let the welkin ring + With the news we bring + Sing it--shout it-- + Tell about it-- + Safe and sound returneth he, + All victorious from the sea! + +(Enter Richard. The girls welcome him as he greets old + acquaintances.) + + BALLAD--RICHARD. + + I shipped, d'ye see, in a Revenue sloop, + And, off Cape Finistere, + A merchantman we see, + A Frenchman, going free, + So we made for the bold Mounseer, + D'ye see? + We made for the bold Mounseer. + +CHORUS. So we made for the bold Mounseer, + D'ye see? + We made for the bold Mounseer. + + But she proved to be a Frigate--and she up with her + ports, + And fires with a thirty-two! + It come uncommon near, + But we answered with a cheer, + Which paralysed the Parley-voo, + D'ye see? + Which paralysed the Parley-voo! + +CHORUS. Which paralysed the Parley-voo, + D'ye see? + Which paralysed the Parley-voo! + + Then our Captain he up and he says, says he, + "That chap we need not fear,-- + We can take her, if we like, + She is sartin for to strike, + For she's only a darned Mounseer, + D'ye see? + She's only a darned Mounseer!" + +CHORUS. For she's only a darned Mounseer, + D'ye see? + She's only a darned Mounseer! + + "But to fight a French fal-lal--it's like hittin' of a + gal! + It's a lubberly thing for to do; + For we, with all our faults, + Why, we're sturdy British salts, + While she's only a Parley-voo, + D'ye see? + While she's only a poor Parley-voo!" + +CHORUS. While she's only a Parley-voo, + D'ye see? + While she's only a poor Parley-voo!' + + So we up with our helm, and we scuds before the breeze + As we gives a compassionating cheer; + Froggee answers with a shout + As he sees us go about, + Which was grateful of the poor Mounseer, + D'ye see? + Which was grateful of the poor Mounseer! + +CHORUS. Which was grateful of the poor Mounseer, + D'ye see? + Which was grateful of the poor Mounseer! + + And I'll wager in their joy they kissed each other's + cheek + (Which is what them furriners do), + And they blessed their lucky stars + We were hardy British tars + Who had pity on a poor Parley-voo, + D'ye see? + Who had pity on a poor Parley-voo! + +CHORUS. Who had pity on a poor Parley-voo, + D'ye see? + Who had pity on a poor Parley-voo! + + (HORNPIPE.) + (Exeunt Chorus.) + + (Enter Robin.) + + ROB. Richard! + RICH. Robin! + ROB. My beloved foster-brother, and very dearest friend, +welcome home again after ten long years at sea! It is such deeds +as yours that cause our flag to be loved and dreaded throughout +the civilized world! + RICH. Why, lord love ye, Rob, that's but a trifle to what +we have done in the way of sparing life! I believe I may say, +without exaggeration, that the marciful little Tom-Tit has spared +more French frigates than any craft afloat! But 'taint for a +British seaman to brag, so I'll just stow my jawin' tackle and +belay. (Robin sighs.) But 'vast heavin', messmate, what's +brought you all a-cockbill? + ROB. Alas, Dick, I love Rose Maybud, and love in vain! + RICH. You love in vain? Come, that's too good! Why, +you're a fine strapping muscular young fellow--tall and strong as +a to'-gall'n'-m'st--taut as a forestay--aye, and a barrowknight +to boot, if all had their rights! + ROB. Hush, Richard--not a word about my true rank, which +none here suspect. Yes, I know well enough that few men are +better calculated to win a woman's heart than I. I'm a fine +fellow, Dick, and worthy any woman's love--happy the girl who +gets me, say I. But I'm timid, Dick; shy--nervous--modest-- +retiring--diffident--and I cannot tell her, Dick, I cannot tell +her! Ah, you've no idea what a poor opinion I have of myself, +and how little I deserve it. + RICH. Robin, do you call to mind how, years ago, we swore +that, come what might, we would always act upon our hearts' +dictates? + ROB. Aye, Dick, and I've always kept that oath. In doubt, +difficulty, and danger I've always asked my heart what I should +do, and it has never failed me. + RICH. Right! Let your heart be your compass, with a clear +conscience for your binnacle light, and you'll sail ten knots on +a bowline, clear of shoals, rocks, and quicksands! Well, now, +what does my heart say in this here difficult situation? Why, it +says, "Dick," it says--(it calls me Dick acos it's known me from +a babby)--"Dick," it says, "you ain't shy--you ain't +modest--speak you up for him as is!" Robin, my lad, just you lay +me alongside, and when she's becalmed under my lee, I'll spin her +a yarn that shall sarve to fish you two together for life! + ROB. Will you do this thing for me? Can you, do you think? +Yes (feeling his pulse). There's no false modesty about you. +Your--what I would call bumptious self-assertiveness (I mean the +expression in its complimentary sense) has already made you a +bos'n's mate, and it will make an admiral of you in time, if you +work it properly, you dear, incompetent old impostor! My dear +fellow, I'd give my right arm for one tenth of your modest +assurance! + + SONG--ROBIN. + + My boy, you may take it from me, + That of all the afflictions accurst + With which a man's saddled + And hampered and addled, + A diffident nature's the worst. + Though clever as clever can be-- + A Crichton of early romance-- + You must stir it and stump it, + And blow your own trumpet, + Or, trust me, you haven't a chance! + + If you wish in the world to advance, + Your merits you're bound to enhance, + You must stir it and stump it, + And blow your own trumpet, + Or, trust me, you haven't a chance! + + Now take, for example, my case: + I've a bright intellectual brain-- + In all London city + There's no one so witty-- + I've thought so again and again. + I've a highly intelligent face-- + My features cannot be denied-- + But, whatever I try, sir, + I fail in--and why, sir? + I'm modesty personified! + + If you wish in the world to advance, etc. + + As a poet, I'm tender and quaint-- + I've passion and fervour and grace-- + From Ovid and Horace + To Swinburne and Morris, + They all of them take a back place. + Then I sing and I play and I paint: + Though none are accomplished as I, + To say so were treason: + You ask me the reason? + I'm diffident, modest, and shy! + + If you wish in the world to advance, etc. + + (Exit Robin.) + + RICH. (looking after him). Ah, it's a thousand pities he's +such a poor opinion of himself, for a finer fellow don't walk! +Well, I'll do my best for him. "Plead for him as though it was +for your own father"--that's what my heart's a-remarkin' to me +just now. But here she comes! Steady! Steady it is! (Enter +Rose--he is much struck by her.) By the Port Admiral, but she's +a tight little craft! Come, come, she's not for you, Dick, and +yet--she's fit to marry Lord Nelson! By the Flag of Old England, +I can't look at her unmoved. + ROSE. Sir, you are agitated-- + RICH. Aye, aye, my lass, well said! I am agitated, true +enough!--took flat aback, my girl; but 'tis naught--'twill pass. +(Aside.) This here heart of mine's a-dictatin' to me like +anythink. Question is, Have I a right to disregard its +promptings? + ROSE. Can I do aught to relieve thine anguish, for it +seemeth to me that thou art in sore trouble? This +apple--(offering a damaged apple). + RICH. (looking at it and returning it). No, my lass, +'tain't that: I'm--I'm took flat aback--I never see anything like +you in all my born days. Parbuckle me, if you ain't the +loveliest gal I've ever set eyes on. There--I can't say fairer +than that, can I? + ROSE. No. (Aside.) The question is, Is it meet that an +utter stranger should thus express himself? (Refers to book.) +Yes--"Always speak the truth." + RICH. I'd no thoughts of sayin' this here to you on my own +account, for, truth to tell, I was chartered by another; but when +I see you my heart it up and it says, says it, "This is the very +lass for you, Dick"--"speak up to her, Dick," it says--(it calls +me Dick acos we was at school together)--"tell her all, Dick," it +says, "never sail under false colours--it's mean!" That's what +my heart tells me to say, and in my rough, common-sailor fashion, +I've said it, and I'm a-waiting for your reply. I'm a-tremblin', +miss. Lookye here--(holding out his hand). That's narvousness! + ROSE (aside). Now, how should a maiden deal with such an +one? (Consults book.) "Keep no one in unnecessary suspense." +(Aloud.) Behold, I will not keep you in unnecessary suspense. +(Refers to book.) "In accepting an offer of marriage, do so with +apparent hesitation." (Aloud.) I take you, but with a certain +show of reluctance. (Refers to book.) "Avoid any appearance of +eagerness." (Aloud.) Though you will bear in mind that I am far +from anxious to do so. (Refers to book.) "A little show of +emotion will not be misplaced!" (Aloud.) Pardon this tear! +(Wipes her eye.) + RICH. Rose, you've made me the happiest blue-jacket in +England! I wouldn't change places with the Admiral of the Fleet, +no matter who he's a-huggin' of at this present moment! But, +axin' your pardon, miss (wiping his lips with his hand), might I +be permitted to salute the flag I'm a-goin' to sail under? + ROSE (referring to book). "An engaged young lady should not +permit too many familiarities." (Aloud.) Once! (Richard kisses +her.) + + DUET--RICHARD and ROSE. + +RICH. The battle's roar is over, + O my love! + Embrace thy tender lover, + O my love! + From tempests' welter, + From war's alarms, + O give me shelter + Within those arms! + Thy smile alluring, + All heart-ache curing, + Gives peace enduring, + O my love! + +ROSE. If heart both true and tender, + O my love! + A life-love can engender, + O my love! + A truce to sighing + And tears of brine, + For joy undying + Shall aye be mine, + +BOTH. And thou and I, love, + Shall live and die, love, + Without a sigh, love-- + My own, my love! + + (Enter Robin, with Chorus of Bridesmaids.) + +CHORUS. + + If well his suit has sped, + Oh, may they soon be wed! + Oh, tell us, tell us, pray, + What doth the maiden say? + In singing are we justified, + Hall the Bridegroom--hail the Bride! + Let the nuptial knot be tied: + In fair phrases + Hymn their praises, + Hail the Bridegroom--hall the Bride? + + ROB. Well--what news? Have you spoken to her? + RICH. Aye, my lad, I have--so to speak--spoke her. + ROB. And she refuses? + RICH. Why, no, I can't truly say she do. + ROB. Then she accepts! My darling! (Embraces her.) + + BRIDESMAIDS. + + Hail the Bridegroom--hail the Bride! etc. + + ROSE (aside, referring to her book). Now, what should a +maiden do when she is embraced by the wrong gentleman? + RICH. Belay, my lad, belay. You don't understand. + ROSE. Oh, sir, belay, I beseech you! + RICH. You see, it's like this: she accepts--but it's me! + ROB. You! (Richard embraces Rose.) + + BRIDESMAIDS. + + Hail the Bridegroom--hail the Bride! + When the nuptial knot is tied-- + + ROB. (interrupting angrily). Hold your tongues, will you! +Now then, what does this mean? + RICH. My poor lad, my heart grieves for thee, but it's like +this: the moment I see her, and just as I was a-goin' to mention +your name, my heart it up and it says, says it--"Dick, you've +fell in love with her yourself," it says; "be honest and +sailor-like--don't skulk under false colours--speak up," it says, +"take her, you dog, and with her my blessin'!" + + BRIDESMAIDS. + + Hail the Bridegroom--hail the bride-- + + ROB. Will you be quiet! Go away! (Chorus makes faces at +him and exeunt.) Vulgar girls! + RICH. What could I do? I'm bound to obey my heart's +dictates. + ROB. Of course--no doubt. It's quite right--I don't +mind--that is, not particularly--only it's--it is disappointing, +you know. + ROSE (to Robin). Oh, but, sir, I knew not that thou didst +seek me in wedlock, or in very truth I should not have hearkened +unto this man, for behold, he is but a lowly mariner, and very +poor withal, whereas thou art a tiller of the land, and thou hast +fat oxen, and many sheep and swine, a considerable dairy farm and +much corn and oil! + RICH. That's true, my lass, but it's done now, ain't it, +Rob? + ROSE. Still it may be that I should not be happy in thy +love. I am passing young and little able to judge. Moreover, as +to thy character I know naught! + ROB. Nay, Rose, I'll answer for that. Dick has won thy +love fairly. Broken-hearted as I am, I'll stand up for Dick +through thick and thin! + RICH. (with emotion). Thankye, messmate! that's well said. +That's spoken honest. Thankye, Rob! (Grasps his hand.) + ROSE. Yet methinks I have heard that sailors are but +worldly men, and little prone to lead serious and thoughtful +lives! + ROB. And what then? Admit that Dick is not a steady +character, and that when he's excited he uses language that would +make your hair curl. Grant that--he does. It's the truth, and +I'm not going to deny it. But look at his good qualities. He's +as nimble as a pony, and his hornpipe is the talk of the fleet! + RICH. Thankye, Rob! That's well spoken. Thankye, Rob! + ROSE. But it may be that he drinketh strong waters which do +bemuse a man, and make him even as the wild beasts of the desert! + ROB. Well, suppose he does, and I don't say he don't, for +rum's his bane, and ever has been. He does drink--I won't deny +it. But what of that? Look at his arms--tattooed to the +shoulder! (Rich. rolls up his sleeves.) No, no--I won't hear a +word against Dick! + ROSE. But they say that mariners are but rarely true to +those whom they profess to love! + ROB. Granted--granted--and I don't say that Dick isn't as +bad as any of 'em. (Rich. chuckles.) You are, you know you are, +you dog! a devil of a fellow--a regular out-and-out Lothario! +But what then? You can't have everything, and a better hand at +turning-in a dead-eye don't walk a deck! And what an +accomplishment that is in a family man! No, no--not a word +against Dick. I'll stick up for him through thick and thin! + RICH. Thankye, Rob, thankye. You're a true friend. I've +acted accordin' to my heart's dictates, and such orders as them +no man should disobey. + + ENSEMBLE--RICHARD, ROBIN, and ROSE. + + In sailing o'er life's ocean wide + Your heart should be your only guide; + With summer sea and favouring wind, + Yourself in port you'll surely find. + + SOLO--RICHARD. + + My heart says, "To this maiden strike-- + She's captured you. + She's just the sort of girl you like-- + You know you do. + If other man her heart should gain, + I shall resign." + That's what it says to me quite plain, + This heart of mine. + + SOLO--ROBIN. + + My heart says, "You've a prosperous lot, + With acres wide; + You mean to settle all you've got + Upon your bride." + It don't pretend to shape my acts + By word or sign; + It merely states these simple facts, + This heart of mine! + + SOLO--ROSE. + + Ten minutes since my heart said "white"-- + It now says "black". + It then said "left"--it now says "right"-- + Hearts often tack. + + I must obey its latest strain-- + You tell me so. (To Richard.) + But should it change its mind again, + I'll let you know. + + (Turning from Richard to Robin, who embraces her.) + + ENSEMBLE. + + In sailing o'er life's ocean wide + No doubt the heart should be your guide; + But it is awkward when you find + A heart that does not know its mind! + + (Exeunt Robin with Rose L., and Richard, weeping, R.) + +(Enter Mad Margaret. She is wildly dressed in picturesque tatters, + and is an obvious caricature of theatrical madness.) + + SCENA--MARGARET. + + Cheerily carols the lark + Over the cot. + Merrily whistles the clerk + Scratching a blot. + But the lark + And the clerk, + I remark, + Comfort me not! + + Over the ripening peach + Buzzes the bee. + Splash on the billowy beach + Tumbles the sea. + But the peach + And the beach + They are each + Nothing to me! + And why? + Who am I? + Daft Madge! Crazy Meg! + Mad Margaret! Poor Peg! + He! he! he! he! (chuckling). + + Mad, I? + Yes, very! + But why? + Mystery! + Don't call! + Whisht! whisht! + No crime-- + 'Tis only + That I'm + Love-lonely! + That's all! + + BALLAD--MARGARET. + + To a garden full of posies + Cometh one to gather flowers, + And he wanders through its bowers + Toying with the wanton roses, + Who, uprising from their beds, + Hold on high their shameless heads + With their pretty lips a-pouting, + Never doubting--never doubting + That for Cytherean posies + He would gather aught but roses! + + In a nest of weeds and nettles + Lay a violet, half-hidden, + Hoping that his glance unbidden + Yet might fall upon her petals. + Though she lived alone, apart, + Hope lay nestling at her heart, + But, alas, the cruel awaking + Set her little heart a-breaking, + For he gathered for his posies + Only roses--only roses! + (Bursts into tears.) + + (Enter Rose.) + + ROSE. A maiden, and in tears? Can I do aught to soften thy +sorrow? This apple--(offering apple). + MAR. (Examines it and rejects it.) No! (Mysteriously.) +Tell me, are you mad? + ROSE. I? No! That is, I think not. + MAR. That's well! Then you don't love Sir Despard +Murgatroyd? All mad girls love him. I love him. I'm poor Mad +Margaret--Crazy Meg--Poor Peg! He! he! he! he! (chuckling). + ROSE. Thou lovest the bad Baronet of Ruddigore? Oh, +horrible--too horrible! + MAR. You pity me? Then be my mother! The squirrel had a +mother, but she drank and the squirrel fled! Hush! They sing a +brave song in our parts--it runs somewhat thus: (Sings.) + + "The cat and the dog and the little puppee + Sat down in a--down in a--in a---- + +I forget what they sat down in, but so the song goes! +Listen--I've come to pinch her! + ROSE. Mercy, whom? + MAR. You mean "who". + ROSE. Nay! it is the accusative after the verb. + MAR. True. (Whispers melodramatically.) I have come to +pinch Rose Maybud! + ROSE. (Aside, alarmed.) Rose Maybud! + MAR. Aye! I love him--he loved me once. But that's all +gone, fisht! He gave me an Italian glance--thus (business)--and +made me his. He will give her an Italian glance, and make her +his. But it shall not be, for I'll stamp on her--stamp on her- +-stamp on her! Did you ever kill anybody? No? Why not? +Listen--I killed a fly this morning! It buzzed, and I wouldn't +have it. So it died--pop! So shall she! + ROSE. But, behold, I am Rose Maybud, and I would fain not +die "pop." + MAR. You are Rose Maybud? + ROSE. Yes, sweet Rose Maybud! + MAR. Strange! They told me she was beautiful! And he +loves you! No, no! If I thought that, I would treat you as the +auctioneer and land-agent treated the lady-bird--I would rend you +asunder! + ROSE. Nay, be pacified, for behold I am pledged to another, +and Lo, we are to be wedded this very day! + MAR. Swear me that! Come to a Commissioner and let me have +it on affidavit! I once made an affidavit--but it died--it died- +-it died! But see, they come--Sir Despard and his evil crew! +Hide, hide--they are all mad--quite mad! + ROSE. What makes you think that? + MAR. Hush! They sing choruses in public. That's mad +enough, I think. Go--hide away, or they will seize you! Hush! +Quite softly--quite, quite softly! + (Exeunt together, on tiptoe.) + +(Enter Chorus of Bucks and Blades, heralded by Chorus of + Bridesmaids.) + + CHORUS OF BRIDESMAIDS. + + Welcome, gentry, + For your entry + Sets our tender hearts a-beating. + Men of station, + Admiration + Prompts this unaffected greeting. + Hearty greeting offer we! + + CHORUS OF BUCKS AND BLADES. + + When thoroughly tired + Of being admired, + By ladies of gentle degree--degree, + With flattery sated, + High-flown and inflated, + Away from the city we flee--we flee! + From charms intramural + To prettiness rural + The sudden transition + Is simply Elysian, + So come, Amaryllis, + Come, Chloe and Phyllis, + Your slaves, for the moment, are we! + +ALL. From charms intramural, etc. + + CHORUS OF BRIDESMAIDS. + + The sons of the tillage + Who dwell in this village + Are people of lowly degree--degree. + Though honest and active, + They're most unattractive, + And awkward as awkward can be--can be. + They're clumsy clodhoppers + With axes and choppers, + And shepherds and ploughmen + And drovers and cowmen, + And hedgers and reapers + And carters and keepers, + But never a lover for me! + + ENSEMBLE. + + BRIDESMAIDS. BUCKS AND BLADES. + +So welcome gentry, etc. When thoroughly tired, etc. + +(Enter Sir Despard Murgatroyd.) + + SONG AND CHORUS--SIR DESPARD. + +SIR D. Oh, why am I moody and sad? +CH. Can't guess! +SIR D. And why am I guiltily mad? +CH. Confess! +SIR D. Because I am thoroughly bad! +CH. Oh yes-- +SIR D. You'll see it at once in my face. + Oh, why am I husky and hoarse? +CH. Ah, why? +SIR D. It's the workings of conscience, of course. +CH. Fie, fie! +SIR D. And huskiness stands for remorse, +CH. Oh my! +SIR D. At least it does so in my case! +SIR D. When in crime one is fully employed-- +CH. Like you-- +SIR D. Your expression gets warped and destroyed: +CH. It do. +SIR D. It's a penalty none can avoid; +CH. How true! +SIR D. I once was a nice-looking youth; + But like stone from a strong catapult-- +CH. (explaining to each other). A trice-- +SIR D. I rushed at my terrible cult-- +CH. (explaining to each other). That's vice-- +SIR D. Observe the unpleasant result! +CH. Not nice. +SIR D. Indeed I am telling the truth! +SIR D. Oh, innocent, happy though poor! +CH. That's we-- +SIR D. If I had been virtuous, I'm sure-- +CH. Like me-- +SIR D. I should be as nice-looking as you're! +CH. May be. +SIR D. You are very nice-looking indeed! + Oh, innocents, listen in time-- +CH. We doe, +SIR D. Avoid an existence of crime-- +CH. Just so-- +SIR D. Or you'll be as ugly as I'm-- +CH. (loudly). No! No! +SIR D. And now, if you please, we'll proceed. + +(All the girls express their horror of Sir Despard. As he + approaches them they fly from him, terror-stricken, leaving + him alone on the stage.) + + SIR D. Poor children, how they loathe me--me whose hands +are certainly steeped in infamy, but whose heart is as the heart +of a little child! But what is a poor baronet to do, when a +whole picture gallery of ancestors step down from their frames +and threaten him with an excruciating death if he hesitate to +commit his daily crime? But ha! ha! I am even with them! +(Mysteriously.) I get my crime over the first thing in the +morning, and then, ha! ha! for the rest of the day I do good--I +do good--I do good! (Melodramatically.) Two days since, I stole +a child and built an orphan asylum. Yesterday I robbed a bank +and endowed a bishopric. To-day I carry off Rose Maybud and +atone with a cathedral! This is what it is to be the sport and +toy of a Picture Gallery! But I will be bitterly revenged upon +them! I will give them all to the Nation, and nobody shall ever +look upon their faces again! + + (Enter Richard.) + + RICH. Ax your honour's pardon, but-- + SIR D. Ha! observed! And by a mariner! What would you +with me, fellow? + RICH. Your honour, I'm a poor man-o'-war's-man, becalmed in +the doldrums-- + SIR D. I don't know them. + RICH. And I make bold to ax your honour's advice. Does +your honour know what it is to have a heart? + SIR D. My honour knows what it is to have a complete +apparatus for conducting the circulation of the blood through the +veins and arteries of the human body. + RICH. Aye, but has your honour a heart that ups and looks +you in the face, and gives you quarter-deck orders that it's life +and death to disobey? + SIR D. I have not a heart of that description, but I have a +Picture Gallery that presumes to take that liberty. + RICH. Well, your honour, it's like this--Your honour had an +elder brother-- + SIR D. It had. + RICH. Who should have inherited your title and, with it, +its cuss. + SIR D. Aye, but he died. Oh, Ruthven!-- + RICH. He didn't. + SIR D. He did not? + RICH. He didn't. On the contrary, he lives in this here +very village, under the name of Robin Oakapple, and he's a-going +to marry Rose Maybud this very day. + SIR D. Ruthven alive, and going to marry Rose Maybud! Can +this be possible? + RICH. Now the question I was going to ask your honour is- +-Ought I to tell your honour this? + SIR D. I don't know. It's a delicate point. I think you +ought. Mind, I'm not sure, but I think so. + RICH. That's what my heart says. It says, "Dick," it says +(it calls me Dick acos it's entitled to take that liberty), "that +there young gal would recoil from him if she knowed what he +really were. Ought you to stand off and on, and let this young +gal take this false step and never fire a shot across her bows to +bring her to? No," it says, "you did not ought." And I won't +ought, accordin'. + SIR D. Then you really feel yourself at liberty to tell me +that my elder brother lives--that I may charge him with his cruel +deceit, and transfer to his shoulders the hideous thraldom under +which I have laboured for so many years! Free--free at last! +Free to live a blameless life, and to die beloved and regretted +by all who knew me! + + DUET--SIR DESPARD and RICHARD. + +RICH. You understand? +SIR D. I think I do; + With vigour unshaken + This step shall be taken. + It's neatly planned. +RICH. I think so too; + I'll readily bet it + You'll never regret it! + +BOTH. For duty, duty must be done; + The rule applies to every one, + And painful though that duty be, + To shirk the task were fiddle-de-dee! + +SIR D. The bridegroom comes-- +RICH. Likewise the bride-- + The maidens are very + Elated and merry; + They are her chums. +SIR D. To lash their pride + Were almost a pity, + The pretty committee! + +BOTH. But duty, duty must be done; + The rule applies to every one, + And painful though that duty be, + To shirk the task were fiddle-de-dee! + + (Exeunt Richard and Sir Despard.) + + (Enter Chorus of Bridesmaids and Bucks.) + + CHORUS OF BRIDESMAIDS. + + Hail the bride of seventeen summers: + In fair phrases + Hymn her praises; + Lift your song on high, all comers. + She rejoices + In your voices. + Smiling summer beams upon her, + Shedding every blessing on her: + Maidens greet her-- + Kindly treat her-- + You may all be brides some day! + + CHORUS OF BUCKS. + + Hail the bridegroom who advances, + Agitated, + Yet elated. + He's in easy circumstances, + Young and lusty, + True and trusty. + +ALL. Smiling summer beams upon her, etc. + +(Enter Robin, attended by Richard and Old Adam, meeting Rose, + attended by Zorah and Dame Hannah. Rose and Robin embrace.) + + MADRIGAL. + ROSE, DAME HANNAH, RICHARD, OLD ADAM with CHORUS. + +ROSE. When the buds are blossoming, + Smiling welcome to the spring, + Lovers choose a wedding day-- + Life is love in merry May! + +GIRLS. Spring is green--Fal lal la! + Summer's rose--Fal la la! +QUARTET. It is sad when summer goes, + Fa la! +MEN. Autumn's gold--Fah lal la! + Winter's grey--Fah lal la! +QUARTET. Winter still is far away-- + Fa la! + +CHORUS. Leaves in autumn fade and fall, + Winter is the end of all. + Spring and summer teem with glee: + Spring and summer, then, for me! + Fa la! + +HANNAH. In the spring-time seed is sown: + In the summer grass is mown: + In the autumn you may reap: + Winter is the time for sleep. + +GIRLS. Spring is hope--Fal lal la! + Summer's joy--Fal lal la! +QUARTET. Spring and summer never cloy. + Fa la! + +MEN. Autumn,toil--Fal lal la! + Winter, rest--Fal lal la! +QUARTET. Winter, after all, is best-- + Fal la! + +CHORUS. Spring and summer pleasure you, + Autumn, aye, and winter too-- + Every season has its cheer, + Life is lovely all the year! + Fa la! + + (Gavotte.) + + (After Gavotte, enter Sir Despard.) + +SIR D. Hold, bride and bridegroom, ere you wed each other, + I claim young Robin as my elder brother! + His rightful title I have long enjoyed: + I claim him as Sir Ruthven Murgatroyd! + +CHORUS. O wonder! +ROSE (wildly). Deny the falsehood, Robin, as you should, + It is a plot! +ROB. I would, if conscientiously I could, + But I cannot! +CHORUS. Ah, base one! Ah, base one! + + SOLO--ROBIN. + + As pure and blameless peasant, + I cannot, I regret, + Deny a truth unpleasant, + I am that Baronet! + +CHORUS. He is that Baronet! + +ROBIN. But when completely rated + Bad Baronet am I, + That I am what he's stated + I'll recklessly deny! + +CHORUS. He'll recklessly deny! + +ROB. When I'm a bad Bart. I will tell taradiddles! +CHORUS. He'll tell taradiddles when he's a bad Bart. +ROB. I'll play a bad part on the falsest of fiddles. +CHORUS. On very false fiddles he'll play a bad part! +ROB. But until that takes place I must be conscientious-- +CHORUS. He'll be conscientious until that takes place. +ROB. Then adieu with good grace to my morals sententious! +CHORUS. To morals sententious adieu with good grace! + +ZOR. Who is the wretch who hath betrayed thee? + Let him stand forth! +RICH. (coming forward). 'Twas I! +ALL. Die, traitor! +RICH. Hold! my conscience made me! + Withhold your wrath! + + SOLO--RICHARD. + + Within this breast there beats a heart + Whose voice can't be gainsaid. + It bade me thy true rank impart, + And I at once obeyed. + I knew 'twould blight thy budding fate-- + I knew 'twould cause thee anguish great-- + But did I therefore hesitate? + No! I at once obeyed! +ALL. Acclaim him who, when his true heart + Bade him young Robin's rank impart, + Immediately obeyed! + + SOLO--ROSE (addressing Robin). + + Farewell! + Thou hadst my heart-- + 'Twas quickly won! + But now we part-- + Thy face I shun! + Farewell! + + Go bend the knee + At Vice's shrine, + Of life with me + All hope resign. + Farewell! Farewell! Farewell! + +(To Sir Despard.) Take me--I am thy bride! + + BRIDESMAIDS. + + Hail the Bridegroom--hail the Bride! + When the nuptial knot is tied; + Every day will bring some joy + That can never, never cloy! + + (Enter Margaret, who listens.) + +SIR D. Excuse me, I'm a virtuous person now-- +ROSE. That's why I wed you! +SIR D. And I to Margaret must keep my vow! +MAR. Have I misread you? + Oh, joy! with newly kindled rapture warmed, + I kneel before you! (Kneels.) +SIR D. I once disliked you; now that I've reformed, + How I adore you! (They embrace.) + + BRIDESMAIDS. + + Hail the Bridegroom-hail the Bride! + When the nuptial knot is tied; + Every day will bring some joy + That can never, never cloy! + +ROSE. Richard, of him I love bereft, + Through thy design, + Thou art the only one that's left, + So I am thine! (They embrace.) + + BRIDESMAIDS. + + Hail the Bridegroom--hail the Bride! + Let the nuptial knot be tied! + + DUET--ROSE and RICHARD. + + Oh, happy the lily + When kissed by the bee; + And, sipping tranquilly, + Quite happy is he; + And happy the filly + That neighs in her pride; + But happier than any, + A pound to a penny, + A lover is, when he + Embraces his bride! + + DUET--SIR DESPARD and MARGARET. + + Oh, happy the flowers + That blossom in June, + And happy the bowers + That gain by the boon, + But happier by hours + The man of descent, + Who, folly regretting, + Is bent on forgetting + His bad baronetting, + And means to repent! + + TRIO--HANNAH, ADAM, and ZORAH. + + Oh, happy the blossom + That blooms on the lea, + Likewise the opossum + That sits on a tree, + But when you come across 'em, + They cannot compare + With those who are treading + The dance at a wedding, + While people are spreading + The best of good fare! + + SOLO--ROBIN. + + Oh, wretched the debtor + Who's signing a deed! + And wretched the letter + That no one can read! + But very much better + Their lot it must be + Than that of the person + I'm making this verse on, + Whose head there's a curse on-- + Alluding to me! + + Repeat ensemble with Chorus. + + (Dance) + +(At the end of the dance Robin falls senseless on the stage. + Picture.) + + END OF ACT I + + ACT II + + +Scene.--Picture Gallery in Ruddigore Castle. The walls are + covered with full-length portraits of the Baronets of + Ruddigore from the time of James I.--the first being that of + Sir Rupert, alluded to in the legend; the last, that of the + last deceased Baronet, Sir Roderic. + +Enter Robin and Adam melodramatically. They are greatly altered + in appearance, Robin wearing the haggard aspect of a guilty + roue; Adam, that of the wicked steward to such a man. + + DUET--ROBIN and ADAM. + +ROB. I once was as meek as a new-born lamb, + I'm now Sir Murgatroyd--ha! ha! + With greater precision + (Without the elision), + Sir Ruthven Murgatroyd--ha! ha! + +ADAM. And I, who was once his valley-de-sham, + As steward I'm now employed--ha! ha! + The dickens may take him-- + I'll never forsake him! + As steward I'm now employed--ha! ha! + + ADDITIONAL SONG + (Omitted after opening night.) + +ROB. My face is the index to my mind, + All venom and spleen and gall--ha! ha! + Or, properly speaking, + It soon will be reeking, + With venom and spleen and gall--ha! ha! + +ADAM. My name from Adam Goodheart you'll find + I've changed to Gideon Crawle--ha! ha! + For bad Bart's steward + Whose heart is much too hard + Is always Gideon Crawle--ha! ha! + +BOTH. How dreadful when an innocent heart + Becomes, perforce, a bad young Bart., + And still more hard on old Adam, + His former faithful valley-de-sham! + +ROB. This is a painful state of things, old Adam! + + ADAM. Painful, indeed! Ah, my poor master, when I swore +that, come what would, I would serve you in all things for ever, +I little thought to what a pass it would bring me! The +confidential adviser to the greatest villain unhung! Now, sir, +to business. What crime do you propose to commit to-day? + ROB. How should I know? As my confidential adviser, it's +your duty to suggest something. + ADAM. Sir, I loathe the life you are leading, but a good +old man's oath is paramount, and I obey. Richard Dauntless is +here with pretty Rose Maybud, to ask your consent to their +marriage. Poison their beer. + ROB. No--not that--I know I'm a bad Bart., but I'm not as +bad a Bart. as all that. + ADAM. Well, there you are, you see! It's no use my making +suggestions if you don't adopt them. + ROB. (melodramatically). How would it be, do you think, +were I to lure him here with cunning wile--bind him with good +stout rope to yonder post--and then, by making hideous faces at +him, curdle the heart-blood in his arteries, and freeze the very +marrow in his bones? How say you, Adam, is not the scheme well +planned? + ADAM. It would be simply rude--nothing more. But +soft--they come! + +(Adam and Robin retire up as Richard and Rose enter, preceded by + Chorus of Bridesmaids.) + + DUET--RICHARD and ROSE. + +RICH. Happily coupled are we, + You see-- + I am a jolly Jack Tar, + My star, + And you are the fairest, + The richest and rarest + Of innocent lasses you are, + By far-- + Of innocent lasses you are! + Fanned by a favouring gale, + You'll sail + Over life's treacherous sea + With me, + And as for bad weather, + We'll brave it together, + And you shall creep under my lee, + My wee! + And you shall creep under my lee! + For you are such a smart little craft-- + Such a neat little, sweet little craft, + Such a bright little, tight little, + Slight little, light little, + Trim little, prim little craft! + +CHORUS. For she is such, etc. + +ROSE. My hopes will be blighted, I fear, + My dear; + In a month you'll be going to sea, + Quite free, + And all of my wishes + You'll throw to the fishes + As though they were never to be; + Poor me! + As though they were never to be. + And I shall be left all alone + To moan, + And weep at your cruel deceit, + Complete; + While you'll be asserting + Your freedom by flirting + With every woman you meet, + You cheat--Ah! + With every woman you meet! Ah! + + Though I am such a smart little craft-- + Such a neat little, sweet little craft, + Such a bright little, tight little, + Slight little, light little, + Trim little, prim little craft! + +CHORUS. Though she is such, etc. + + (Enter Robin.) + + ROB. Soho! pretty one--in my power at last, eh? Know ye +not that I have those within my call who, at my lightest bidding, +would immure ye in an uncomfortable dungeon? (Calling.) What +ho! within there! + RICH. Hold--we are prepared for this (producing a Union +Jack). Here is a flag that none dare defy (all kneel), and while +this glorious rag floats over Rose Maybud's head, the man does +not live who would dare to lay unlicensed hand upon her! + ROB. Foiled--and by a Union Jack! But a time will come, +and then--- + ROSE. Nay, let me plead with him. (To Robin.) Sir Ruthven, +have pity. In my book of etiquette the case of a maiden about to +be wedded to one who unexpectedly turns out to be a baronet with +a curse on him is not considered. Time was when you loved me +madly. Prove that this was no selfish love by according your +consent to my marriage with one who, if he be not you yourself, +is the next best thing--your dearest friend! + + BALLAD--ROSE. + + In bygone days I had thy love-- + Thou hadst my heart. + But Fate, all human vows above, + Our lives did part! + By the old love thou hadst for me-- + By the fond heart that beat for thee-- + By joys that never now can be, + Grant thou my prayer! + +ALL (kneeling). Grant thou her prayer! + +ROB. (recitative). Take her--I yield! + +ALL. (recitative). Oh, rapture! (All rising.) + +CHORUS. Away to the parson we go-- + Say we're solicitous very + That he will turn two into one-- + Singing hey, derry down derry! + +RICH. For she is such a smart little craft- +ROSE. Such a neat little, sweet little craft-- +RICH. Such a bright little- +ROSE. Tight little- +RICH. Slight little- +ROSE. Light little- +BOTH. Trim little, prim little craft! + +CHORUS. For she is such a smart little craft, etc. + + (Exeunt all but Robin.) + + ROB. For a week I have fulfilled my accursed doom! I have +duly committed a crime a day! Not a great crime, I trust, but +still, in the eyes of one as strictly regulated as I used to be, +a crime. But will my ghostly ancestors be satisfied with what I +have done, or will they regard it as an unworthy subterfuge? +(Addressing Pictures.) Oh, my forefathers, wallowers in blood, +there came at last a day when, sick of crime, you, each and +every, vowed to sin no more, and so, in agony, called welcome +Death to free you from your cloying guiltiness. Let the sweet +psalm of that repentant hour soften your long-dead hearts, and +tune your souls to mercy on your poor posterity! (Kneeling). + +(The stage darkens for a moment. It becomes light again, and the + Pictures are seen to have become animated.) + + CHORUS OF FAMILY PORTRAITS. + + Painted emblems of a race, + All accurst in days of yore, + Each from his accustomed place + Steps into the world once more. + +(The Pictures step from their frames and march round the stage.) + + Baronet of Ruddigore, + Last of our accursed line, + Down upon the oaken floor-- + Down upon those knees of thine. + + Coward, poltroon, shaker, squeamer, + Blockhead, sluggard, dullard, dreamer, + Shirker, shuffler, crawler, creeper, + Sniffler, snuffler, wailer, weeper, + Earthworm, maggot, tadpole, weevil! + Set upon thy course of evil, + Lest the King of Spectre-land + Set on thee his grisly hand! + + (The Spectre of Sir Roderic descends from his frame.) + +SIR ROD. Beware! beware! beware! +ROB. Gaunt vision, who art thou + That thus, with icy glare + And stern relentless brow, + Appearest, who knows how? + +SIR ROD. I am the spectre of the late + Sir Roderic Murgatroyd, + Who comes to warn thee that thy fate + Thou canst not now avoid. + +ROB. Alas, poor ghost! + +SIR ROD. The pity you + Express for nothing goes: + We spectres are a jollier crew + Than you, perhaps, suppose! + +CHORUS. We spectres are a jollier crew + Than you, perhaps, suppose! + + SONG--SIR RODERIC. + +When the night wind howls in the chimney cowls, and the bat in + the moonlight flies, +And inky clouds, like funeral shrouds, sail over the midnight + skies-- +When the footpads quail at the night-bird's wail, and black dogs + bay at the moon, +Then is the spectres' holiday--then is the ghosts' high-noon! + +CHORUS. Ha! ha! + Then is the ghosts' high-noon! + +As the sob of the breeze sweeps over the trees, and the mists lie + low on the fen, +From grey tomb-stones are gathered the bones that once were women + and men, +And away they go, with a mop and a mow, to the revel that ends + too soon, +For cockcrow limits our holiday--the dead of the night's + high-noon! + +CHORUS. Ha! ha! + The dead of the night's high-noon! + +And then each ghost with his ladye-toast to their churchyard beds + takes flight, +With a kiss, perhaps, on her lantern chaps, and a grisly grim + "good-night"; +Till the welcome knell of the midnight bell rings forth its + jolliest tune, +And ushers in our next high holiday--the dead of the night's + high-noon! + +CHORUS. Ha! ha! + The dead of the night's high-noon! + Ha! ha! ha! ha! + + ROB. I recognize you now--you are the picture that hangs at +the end of the gallery. + SIR ROD. In a bad light. I am. + ROB. Are you considered a good likeness? + SIR ROD. Pretty well. Flattering. + ROB. Because as a work of art you are poor. + SIR ROD. I am crude in colour, but I have only been painted +ten years. In a couple of centuries I shall be an Old Master, +and then you will be sorry you spoke lightly of me. + ROB. And may I ask why you have left your frames? + SIR ROD. It is our duty to see that our successors commit +their daily crimes in a conscientious and workmanlike fashion. +It is our duty to remind you that you are evading the conditions +under which you are permitted to exist. + ROB. Really, I don't know what you'd have. I've only been +a bad baronet a week, and I've committed a crime punctually every +day. + SIR ROD. Let us inquire into this. Monday? + ROB. Monday was a Bank Holiday. + SIR ROD. True. Tuesday? + ROB. On Tuesday I made a false income-tax return. + ALL. Ha! ha! + 1ST GHOST. That's nothing. + 2ND GHOST. Nothing at all. + 3RD GHOST. Everybody does that. + 4TH GHOST. It's expected of you. + SIR ROD. Wednesday? + ROB. (melodramatically). On Wednesday I forged a will. + SIR ROD. Whose will? + ROB. My own. + SIR ROD. My good sir, you can't forge your own will! + ROB. Can't I, though! I like that! I did! Besides, if a +man can't forge his own will, whose will can he forge? + 1ST GHOST. There's something in that. + 2ND GHOST. Yes, it seems reasonable. + 3RD GHOST. At first sight it does. + 4TH GHOST. Fallacy somewhere, I fancy! + ROB. A man can do what he likes with his own! + SIR ROD. I suppose he can. + ROB. Well, then, he can forge his own will, stoopid! On +Thursday I shot a fox. + 1ST GHOST. Hear, hear! + SIR ROD. That's better (addressing Ghosts). Pass the fox, +I think? (They assent.) Yes, pass the fox. Friday? + ROB. On Friday I forged a cheque. + SIR ROD. Whose cheque? + ROB. Old Adam's. + SIR ROD. But Old Adam hasn't a banker. + ROB. I didn't say I forged his banker--I said I forged his +cheque. On Saturday I disinherited my only son. + SIR ROD. But you haven't got a son. + ROB. No--not yet. I disinherited him in advance, to save +time. You see--by this arrangement--he'll be born ready +disinherited. + SIR ROD. I see. But I don't think you can do that. + ROB. My good sir, if I can't disinherit my own unborn son, +whose unborn son can I disinherit? + SIR ROD. Humph! These arguments sound very well, but I +can't help thinking that, if they were reduced to syllogistic +form, they wouldn't hold water. Now quite understand us. We are +foggy, but we don't permit our fogginess to be presumed upon. +Unless you undertake to--well, suppose we say, carry off a lady? +(Addressing Ghosts.) Those who are in favour of his carrying off +a lady? (All hold up their hands except a Bishop.) Those of the +contrary opinion? (Bishop holds up his hands.) Oh, you're never +satisfied! Yes, unless you undertake to carry off a lady at +once--I don't care what lady--any lady--choose your lady--you +perish in inconceivable agonies. + ROB. Carry off a lady? Certainly not, on any account. +I've the greatest respect for ladies, and I wouldn't do anything +of the kind for worlds! No, no. I'm not that kind of baronet, I +assure you! If that's all you've got to say, you'd better go +back to your frames. + SIR ROD. Very good--then let the agonies commence. + + (Ghosts make passes. Robin begins to writhe in agony.) + + ROB. Oh! Oh! Don't do that! I can't stand it! + SIR ROD. Painful, isn't it? It gets worse by degrees. + ROB. Oh--Oh! Stop a bit! Stop it, will you? I want to +speak. + + (Sir Roderic makes signs to Ghosts, who resume their attitudes.) + + SIR ROD. Better? + ROB. Yes--better now! Whew! + SIR ROD. Well, do you consent? + ROB. But it's such an ungentlemanly thing to do! + SIR ROD. As you please. (To Ghosts.) Carry on! + ROB. Stop--I can't stand it! I agree! I promise! It +shall be done! + SIR ROD. To-day? + ROB. To-day! + SIR ROD. At once? + ROB. At once! I retract! I apologize! I had no idea it +was anything like that! + + CHORUS. + + He yields! He answers to our call! + We do not ask for more. + A sturdy fellow, after all, + This latest Ruddigore! + All perish in unheard-of woe + Who dare our wills defy; + We want your pardon, ere we go, + For having agonized you so-- + So pardon us-- + So pardon us-- + So pardon us-- + Or die! + +ROB. I pardon you! + I pardon you! + +ALL. He pardons us- + Hurrah! + + (The Ghosts return to their frames.) + +CHORUS. Painted emblems of a race, + All accurst in days of yore, + Each to his accustomed place + Steps unwillingly once more! + +(By this time the Ghosts have changed to pictures again. Robin + is overcome by emotion.) + + (Enter Adam.) + + ADAM. My poor master, you are not well-- + ROB. Old Adam, it won't do--I've seen 'em--all my +ancestors--they're just gone. They say that I must do something +desperate at once, or perish in horrible agonies. Go--go to +yonder village--carry off a maiden--bring her here at once--any +one--I don't care which-- + ADAM. But-- + ROB. Not a word, but obey! Fly! + (Exeunt Adam) + + RECIT. and SONG--ROBIN. + +Away, Remorse! + Compunction, hence!. +Go, Moral Force! + Go, Penitence! +To Virtue's plea + A long farewell-- +Propriety, + I ring your knell! +Come, guiltiness of deadliest hue! +Come, desperate deeds of derring-do! + +Henceforth all the crimes that I find in the Times. + I've promised to perpetrate daily; +To-morrow I start with a petrified heart, + On a regular course of Old Bailey. +There's confidence tricking, bad coin, pocket-picking, + And several other disgraces-- +There's postage-stamp prigging, and then thimble-rigging, + The three-card delusion at races! +Oh! A baronet's rank is exceedingly nice, +But the title's uncommonly dear at the price! + +Ye well-to-do squires, who live in the shires, + Where petty distinctions are vital, +Who found Athenaeums and local museums, + With a view to a baronet's title-- +Ye butchers and bakers and candlestick makers + Who sneer at all things that are tradey-- +Whose middle-class lives are embarrassed by wives + Who long to parade as "My Lady", +Oh! allow me to offer a word of advice, +The title's uncommonly dear at the price! + +Ye supple M.P.'s who go down on your knees, + Your precious identity sinking, +And vote black or white as your leaders indite + (Which saves you the trouble of thinking), +For your country's good fame, her repute, or her shame, + You don't care the snuff of a candle-- +But you're paid for your game when you're told that your name + Will be graced by a baronet's handle-- +Oh! Allow me to give you a word of advice-- +The title's uncommonly dear at the price! + (Exit Robin.) + +(Enter Despard and Margaret. They are both dressed in sober black + of formal cut, and present a strong contrast to their + appearance in Act I.) + + DUET. + +DES. I once was a very abandoned person-- +MAR. Making the most of evil chances. +DES. Nobody could conceive a worse 'un-- +MAR. Even in all the old romances. +DES. I blush for my wild extravagances, + But be so kind + To bear in mind, +MAR. We were the victims of circumstances! + (Dance.) + That is one of our blameless dances. + +MAR. I was once an exceedingly odd young lady-- +DES. Suffering much from spleen and vapours. +MAR. Clergymen thought my conduct shady-- +DES. She didn't spend much upon linen-drapers. +MAR. It certainly entertained the gapers. + My ways were strange + Beyond all range-- +DES. Paragraphs got into all the papers. + (Dance.) + +DES. We only cut respectable capers. + +DES. I've given up all my wild proceedings. +MAR. My taste for a wandering life is waning. +DES. Now I'm a dab at penny readings. +MAR. They are not remarkably entertaining. +DES. A moderate livelihood we're gaining. +MAR. In fact we rule + A National School. +DES. The duties are dull, but I'm not complaining. + (Dance.) + + This sort of thing takes a deal of training! + + DES. We have been married a week. + MAR. One happy, happy week! + DES. Our new life-- + MAR. Is delightful indeed! + DES. So calm! + MAR. So unimpassioned! (Wildly). Master, all this I owe +to you! See, I am no longer wild and untidy. My hair is combed. +My face is washed. My boots fit! + DES. Margaret, don't. Pray restrain yourself. Remember, +you are now a district visitor. + MAR. A gentle district visitor! + DES. You are orderly, methodical, neat; you have your +emotions well under control. + MAR. I have! (Wildly). Master, when I think of all you +have done for me, I fall at your feet. I embrace your ankles. I +hug your knees! (Doing so.) + DES. Hush. This is not well. This is calculated to +provoke remark. Be composed, I beg! + MAR. Ah! you are angry with poor little Mad Margaret! + DES. No, not angry; but a district visitor should learn to +eschew melodrama. Visit the poor, by all means, and give them +tea and barley-water, but don't do it as if you were +administering a bowl of deadly nightshade. It upsets them. Then +when you nurse sick people, and find them not as well as could be +expected, why go into hysterics? + MAR. Why not? + DES. Because it's too jumpy for a sick-room. + MAR. How strange! Oh, Master! Master!--how shall I express +the all-absorbing gratitude that--(about to throw herself at his +feet). + DES. Now! (Warningly). + MAR. Yes, I know, dear--it shan't occur again. (He is +seated--she sits on the ground by him.) Shall I tell you one of +poor Mad Margaret's odd thoughts? Well, then, when I am lying +awake at night, and the pale moonlight streams through the +latticed casement, strange fancies crowd upon my poor mad brain, +and I sometimes think that if we could hit upon some word for you +to use whenever I am about to relapse--some word that teems with +hidden meaning--like "Basingstoke"--it might recall me to my +saner self. For, after all, I am only Mad Margaret! Daft Meg! +Poor Meg! He! he! he! + DES. Poor child, she wanders! But soft--some one +comes--Margaret--pray recollect yourself--Basingstoke, I beg! +Margaret, if you don't Basingstoke at once, I shall be seriously +angry. + MAR. (recovering herself). Basingstoke it is! + DES. Then make it so. + + (Enter Robin. He starts on seeing them.) + + ROB. Despard! And his young wife! This visit is +unexpected. + MAR. Shall I fly at him? Shall I tear him limb from limb? +Shall I rend him asunder? Say but the word and-- + DES. Basingstoke! + MAR. (suddenly demure). Basingstoke it is! + DES. (aside). Then make it so. (Aloud.) My brother--I +call you brother still, despite your horrible profligacy--we have +come to urge you to abandon the evil courses to which you have +committed yourself, and at any cost to become a pure and +blameless ratepayer. + ROB. But I've done no wrong yet. + MAR. (wildly). No wrong! He has done no wrong! Did you +hear that! + DES. Basingstoke! + MAR. (recovering herself). Basingstoke it is! + DES. My brother--I still call you brother, you observe--you +forget that you have been, in the eye of the law, a Bad Baronet +of Ruddigore for ten years--and you are therefore responsible--in +the eye of the law--for all the misdeeds committed by the unhappy +gentleman who occupied your place. + ROB. I see! Bless my heart, I never thought of that! Was +I very bad? + DES. Awful. Wasn't he? (To Margaret). + ROB. And I've been going on like this for how long? + DES. Ten years! Think of all the atrocities you have +committed--by attorney as it were--during that period. Remember +how you trifled with this poor child's affections--how you raised +her hopes on high (don't cry, my love--Basingstoke, you know), +only to trample them in the dust when they were at the very +zenith of their fullness. Oh fie, sir, fie--she trusted you! + ROB. Did she? What a scoundrel I must have been! There, +there--don't cry, my dear (to Margaret, who is sobbing on Robin's +breast), it's all right now. Birmingham, you know--Birmingham-- + MAR. (sobbing). It's Ba--Ba--Basingstoke! + ROB. Basingstoke! Of course it is--Basingstoke. + MAR. Then make it so! + ROB. There, there--it's all right--he's married you +now--that is, I've married you (turning to Despard)--I say, which +of us has married her? + DES. Oh, I've married her. + ROB. (aside). Oh, I'm glad of that. (To Margaret.) Yes, +he's married you now (passing her over to Despard), and anything +more disreputable than my conduct seems to have been I've never +even heard of. But my mind is made up--I will defy my ancestors. +I will refuse to obey their behests, thus, by courting death, +atone in some degree for the infamy of my career! + MAR. I knew it--I knew it--God bless +you--(Hysterically). + DES. Basingstoke! + MAR. Basingstoke it is! (Recovers herself.) + + PATTER-TRIO. + ROBIN, DESPARD, and MARGARET. + +ROB. My eyes are fully open to my awful situation-- + I shall go at once to Roderic and make him an oration. + I shall tell him I've recovered my forgotten moral senses, + And I don't care twopence-halfpenny for any consequences. + Now I do not want to perish by the sword or by the dagger, + But a martyr may indulge a little pardonable swagger, + And a word or two of compliment my vanity would flatter, + But I've got to die tomorrow, so it really doesn't matter! + +DES. So it really doesn't matter-- + +MAR. So it really doesn't matter-- + +ALL. So it really doesn't matter, matter, matter, matter, matter! + +MAR. If were not a little mad and generally silly + I should give you my advice upon the subject, willy-nilly; + I should show you in a moment how to grapple with the + question, + And you'd really be astonished at the force of my + suggestion. + On the subject I shall write you a most valuable letter, + Full of excellent suggestions when I feel a little better, + But at present I'm afraid I am as mad as any hatter, + So I'll keep 'em to myself, for my opinion doesn't matter! + +DES. Her opinion doesn't matter-- + +ROB. Her opinion doesn't matter-- + +ALL. Her opinion doesn't matter, matter, matter, matter, + matter! + +DES. If I had been so lucky as to have a steady brother + Who could talk to me as we are talking now to one another-- + Who could give me good advice when he discovered I was + erring + (Which is just the very favour which on you I am + conferring), + My story would have made a rather interesting idyll, + And I might have lived and died a very decent indiwiddle. + This particularly rapid, unintelligible patter + Isn't generally heard, and if it is it doesn't matter! + +ROB. If it is it doesn't matter-- + +MAR. If it is it doesn't matter-- + +ALL. If it is it doesn't matter, matter, matter, matter, + matter! + + (Exeunt Despard and Margaret.) + + (Enter Adam.) + + ADAM (guiltily). Master--the deed is done! + ROB. What deed? + ADAM. She is here--alone, unprotected-- + ROB. Who? + ADAM. The maiden. I've carried her off--I had a hard task, +for she fought like a tiger-cat! + ROB. Great heaven, I had forgotten her! I had hoped to +have died unspotted by crime, but I am foiled again--and by a +tiger-cat! Produce her--and leave us! + +(Adam introduces Dame Hannah, very much excited, and exits.) + + ROB. Dame Hannah! This is--this is not what I expected. + HAN. Well, sir, and what would you with me? Oh, you have +begun bravely--bravely indeed! Unappalled by the calm dignity of +blameless womanhood, your minion has torn me from my spotless +home, and dragged me, blindfold and shrieking, through hedges, +over stiles, and across a very difficult country, and left me, +helpless and trembling, at your mercy! Yet not helpless, coward +sir, for approach one step--nay, but the twentieth part of one +poor inch--and this poniard (produces a very small dagger) shall +teach ye what it is to lay unholy hands on old Stephen Trusty's +daughter! + ROB. Madam, I am extremely sorry for this. It is not at +all what I intended--anything more correct--more deeply +respectful than my intentions towards you, it would be impossible +for any one--however particular--to desire. + HAN. Bah, I am not to be tricked by smooth words, +hypocrite! But be warned in time, for there are, without, a +hundred gallant hearts whose trusty blades would hack him limb +from limb who dared to lay unholy hands on old Stephen Trusty's +daughter! + ROB. And this is what it is to embark upon a career of +unlicensed pleasure! + +(Dame Hannah, who has taken a formidable dagger from one of the + armed figures, throws her small dagger to Robin.) + + HAN. Harkye, miscreant, you have secured me, and I am your +poor prisoner; but if you think I cannot take care of myself you +are very much mistaken. Now then, it's one to one, and let the +best man win! + + (Making for him.) + + ROB. (in an agony of terror). Don't! don't look at me like +that! I can't bear it! Roderic! Uncle! Save me! + +(Sir Roderic enters, from his picture. He comes down the stage.) + + ROD. What is the matter? Have you carried her off? + ROB. I have--she is there--look at her--she terrifies me! + ROD. (looking at Hannah). Little Nannikin! + HAN. (amazed). Roddy-doddy! + ROD. My own old love! Why, how came you here? + HAN. This brute--he carried me off! Bodily! But I'll show +him! (about to rush at Robin). + ROD. Stop! (To Rob.) What do you mean by carrying off +this lady? Are you aware that once upon a time she was engaged +to be married to me? I'm very angry--very angry indeed. + ROB. Now I hope this will be a lesson to you in future not +to-- + ROD. Hold your tongue, sir. + ROB. Yes, uncle. + ROD. Have you given him any encouragement? + HAN. (to Rob.). Have I given you any encouragement? +Frankly now, have I? + ROB. No. Frankly, you have not. Anything more +scrupulously correct than your conduct, it would be impossible to +desire. + ROD. You go away. + ROB. Yes, uncle. (Exit Robin.) + ROD. This is a strange meeting after so many years! + HAN. Very. I thought you were dead. + ROD. I am. I died ten years ago. + HAN. And are you pretty comfortable? + ROD. Pretty well--that is--yes, pretty well. + HAN. You don't deserve to be, for I loved you all the +while, dear; and it made me dreadfully unhappy to hear of all +your goings-on, you bad, bad boy! + + BALLAD--DAME HANNAH. + + There grew a little flower + 'Neath a great oak tree: + When the tempest 'gan to lower + Little heeded she: + No need had she to cower, + For she dreaded not its power-- + She was happy in the bower + Of her great oak tree! + Sing hey, + Lackaday! + Let the tears fall free + For the pretty little flower + And the great oak tree! + +BOTH. Sing hey, + Lackaday! etc. + + When she found that he was fickle, + Was that great oak tree, + She was in a pretty pickle, + As she well might be-- + But his gallantries were mickle, + For Death followed with his sickle, + And her tears began to trickle + For her great oak tree! + Sing hey, + Lackaday! etc. + +BOTH. Sing hey, + Lackaday! etc. + + Said she, "He loved me never, + Did that great oak tree, + But I'm neither rich nor clever, + And so why should he? + But though fate our fortunes sever, + To be constant I'll endeavour, + Aye, for ever and for ever, + To my great oak tree!' + Sing hey, + Lackaday! etc. + +BOTH. Sing hey, + Lackaday! etc. + + (Falls weeping on Sir Roderic's bosom.) + +(Enter Robin, excitedly, followed by all the characters and Chorus + of Bridesmaids.) + + ROB. Stop a bit--both of you. + ROD. This intrusion is unmannerly. + HAN. I'm surprised at you. + ROB. I can't stop to apologize--an idea has just occurred +to me. A Baronet of Ruddigore can only die through refusing to +commit his daily crime. + ROD. No doubt. + ROB. Therefore, to refuse to commit a daily crime is +tantamount to suicide! + ROD. It would seem so. + ROB. But suicide is, itself, a crime--and so, by your own +showing, you ought never to have died at all! + ROD. I see--I understand! Then I'm practically alive! + ROB. Undoubtedly! (Sir Roderic embraces Dame Hannah.) Rose, +when you believed that I was a simple farmer, I believe you loved +me? + ROSE. Madly, passionately! + ROB. But when I became a bad baronet, you very properly +loved Richard instead? + ROSE. Passionately, madly! + ROB. But if I should turn out not to be a bad baronet after +all, how would you love me then? + ROSE. Madly, passionately! + ROB. As before? + ROSE. Why, of course. + ROB. My darling! (They embrace.) + RICH. Here, I say, belay! + ROSE. Oh, sir, belay, if it's absolutely necessary! + ROB. Belay? Certainly not! + + FINALE + +ROB. Having been a wicked baronet a week + Once again a modest livelihood I seek. + Agricultural employment + Is to me a keen enjoyment, + For I'm naturally diffident and meek! + +ROSE. When a man has been a naughty baronet, + And expresses deep repentance and regret, + You should help him, if you're able, + Like the mousie in the fable, + That's the teaching of my Book of Etiquette. + +CHORUS. That's the teaching in her Book of Etiquette. + +RICH. If you ask me why I do not pipe my eye, + Like an honest British sailor, I reply, + That with Zorah for my missis, + There'll be bread and cheese and kisses, + Which is just the sort of ration I enjye! + +CHORUS. Which is just the sort of ration you enjye! + +DES. and MAR. Prompted by a keen desire to evoke + All the blessed calm of matrimony's yoke, + We shall toddle off tomorrow, + From this scene of sin and sorrow, + For to settle in the town of Basingstoke! + +ALL. For happy the lily + That's kissed by the bee; + And, sipping tranquilly, + Quite happy is he; + And happy the filly + That neighs in her pride; + But happier than any, + A pound to a penny, + A lover is, when he + Embraces his bride! + + CURTAIN + + + + THE SORCERER + + Libretto by William S. Gilbert + Music by Sir Arthur Sullivan + + + DRAMATIS PERSONAE + +Sir Marmaduke Pointdextre, an Elderly Baronet + +Alexis, of the Grenadier Guards--His Son + +Dr. Daly, Vicar of Ploverleigh + +John Wellington Wells, of J. W. Wells & Co., Family Sorcerers + +Lady Sangazure, a Lady of Ancient Lineage + +Aline, Her Daughter--betrothed to Alexis + +Mrs. Partlet, a Pew-Opener + +Constance, her Daughter + +Chorus of Villagers + + ACT I--Grounds of Sir Marmaduke's Mansion, Mid-day + + (Twelve hours are supposed to elapse between Acts I and II) + + ACT II-- Grounds of Sir Marmaduke's Mansion, Midnight + + Act I. + +SCENE--Exterior of Sir Marmaduke's Elizabethan Mansion, mid-day. + + CHORUS OF VILLAGERS + + Ring forth, ye bells, + With clarion sound-- + Forget your knells, + For joys abound. + Forget your notes + Of mournful lay, + And from your throats + Pour joy to-day. + + For to-day young Alexis--young Alexis Pointdextre + Is betrothed to Aline--to Aline Sangazure, + And that pride of his sex is--of his sex is to be next her + At the feast on the green--on the green, oh, be sure! + + Ring forth, ye bells etc. + (Exeunt the men +into house.) + +(Enter Mrs. Partlet with Constance, her daughter) + + RECITATIVE + +MRS. P. Constance, my daughter, why this strange depression? + The village rings with seasonable joy, + Because the young and amiable Alexis, + Heir to the great Sir Marmaduke Pointdextre, + Is plighted to Aline, the only daughter + Of Annabella, Lady Sangazure. + You, you alone are sad and out of spirits; + What is the reason? Speak, my daughter, speak! + +CON. Oh, mother, do not ask! If my complexion + From red to white should change in quick succession, + And then from white to red, oh, take no notice! + If my poor limbs should tremble with emotion, + Pay no attention, mother--it is nothing! + If long and deep-drawn sighs I chance to utter, + Oh, heed them not, their cause must ne'er be known! + +Mrs. Partlet motions to Chorus to leave her with Constance. Exeunt +ladies of Chorus. + + ARIA--CONSTANCE + + When he is here, + I sigh with pleasure-- + When he is gone, + I sigh with grief. + My hopeless fear + No soul can measure-- + His love alone + Can give my aching heart relief! + + When he is cold, + I weep for sorrow-- + When he is kind, + I weep for joy. + My grief untold + Knows no to-morrow-- + My woe can find + No hope, no solace, no alloy! + +MRS. P. Come, tell me all about it! Do not fear-- + I, too, have loved; but that was long ago! + Who is the object of your young affections? +CONST. Hush, mother! He is here! (Looking off) + + Enter Dr. Daly. He is pensive and does not see them + +MRS. P. (amazed) Our reverend vicar! +CONST. Oh, pity me, my heart is almost broken! +MRS. P. My child, be comforted. To such an union + I shall not offer any opposition. + Take him--he's yours! May you and he be happy! +CONST. But, mother dear, he is not yours to give! +MRS. P. That's true, indeed! +CONST. He might object! +MRS. P. He might. + But come--take heart--I'll probe him on the subject. + Be comforted--leave this affair to me. + (They +withdraw.) + + RECITATIVE--DR. DALY + + The air is charged with amatory numbers-- + Soft madrigals, and dreamy lovers' lays. + Peace, peace, old heart! Why waken from its slumbers + The aching memory of the old, old days? + + BALLAD + + Time was when Love and I were well acquainted. + Time was when we walked ever hand in hand. + A saintly youth, with worldly thought untainted, + None better-loved than I in all the land! + Time was, when maidens of the noblest station, + Forsaking even military men, + Would gaze upon me, rapt in adoration-- + Ah me, I was a fair young curate then! + + Had I a headache? sighed the maids assembled; + Had I a cold? welled forth the silent tear; + Did I look pale? then half a parish trembled; + And when I coughed all thought the end was near! + I had no care--no jealous doubts hung o'er me-- + For I was loved beyond all other men. + Fled gilded dukes and belted earls before me-- + Ah me, I was a pale young curate them! + +(At the conclusion of the ballad, Mrs. Partlet comes forward with +Constance.) + + MRS. P. Good day, reverend sir. + DR. D. Ah, good Mrs. Partlet, I am glad to see you. And +your little daughter, Constance! Why, she is quite a little +woman, I declare! + CONST. (aside) Oh, mother, I cannot speak to him! + MRS. P. Yes, reverend sir, she is nearly eighteen, and as +good a girl as ever stepped. (Aside to Dr. Daly) Ah, sir, I'm +afraid I shall soon lose her! + DR. D. (aside to Mrs. Partlet) Dear me, you pain me very +much. Is she delicate? + MRS. P. Oh no, sir--I don't mean that--but young girls look +to get married. + DR. D. Oh, I take you. To be sure. But there's plenty of +time for that. Four or five years hence, Mrs. Partlet, four or +five years hence. But when the time does come, I shall have much +pleasure in marrying her myself-- + CONST. (aside) Oh, mother! + DR. D. To some strapping young fellow in her own rank of +life. + CONST. (in tears) He does not love me! + MRS. P. I have often wondered, reverend sir (if you'll +excuse the liberty), that you have never married. + DR. D. (aside) Be still, my fluttering heart! + MRS. P. A clergyman's wife does so much good in a village. +besides that, you are not as young as you were, and before very +long you will want somebody to nurse you, and look after your +little comforts. + DR. D. Mrs. Partlet, there is much truth in what you say. +I am indeed getting on in years, and a helpmate would cheer my +declining days. Time was when it might have been; but I have +left it too long--I am an old fogy, now, am I not, my dear? (to +Constance)--a very old fogy, indeed. Ha! ha! No, Mrs. Partlet, +my mind is quite made up. I shall live and die a solitary old +bachelor. + CONST. Oh, mother, mother! (Sobs on Mrs. Partlet's bosom) + MRS. P. Come, come, dear one, don't fret. At a more +fitting time we will try again--we will try again. + (Exeunt Mrs. Partlet and +Constance.) + + DR. D. (looking after them) Poor little girl! I'm afraid +she has something on her mind. She is rather comely. Time was +when this old heart would have throbbed in double-time at the +sight of such a fairy form! But tush! I am puling! Here comes +the young Alexis with his proud and happy father. Let me dry +this tell-tale tear! + + Enter Sir Marmaduke and Alexis + + RECITATIVE + +DR. D. Sir Marmaduke--my dear young friend, Alexis-- + On this most happy, most auspicious plighting-- + Permit me as a true old friend to tender + My best, my very best congratulations! +SIR M. Sir, you are most obleeging! +ALEX. Dr. Daly + My dear old tutor, and my valued pastor, + I thank you from the bottom of my heart! + (Spoken +through music) +DR. D. May fortune bless you! may the middle distance + Of your young life be pleasant as the foreground-- + The joyous foreground! and, when you have reached it, + May that which now is the far-off horizon + (But which will then become the middle distance), + In fruitful promise be exceeded only + By that which will have opened, in the meantime, + Into a new and glorious horizon! +SIR M. Dear Sir, that is an excellent example + Of an old school of stately compliment + To which I have, through life, been much addicted. + Will you obleege me with a copy of it, + In clerkly manuscript, that I myself + May use it on appropriate occasions? +DR. D. Sir, you shall have a fairly-written copy + Ere Sol has sunk into his western slumbers! + (Exit +Dr. Daly) + + SIR M. (to Alexis, who is in a reverie) Come, come, my +son--your fiancee will be here in five minutes. Rouse yourself +to receive her. + ALEXIS Oh rapture! + SIR M. Yes, you are a fortunate young fellow, and I will +not disguise from you that this union with the House of Sangazure +realizes my fondest wishes. Aline is rich, and she comes of a +sufficiently old family, for she is the seven thousand and +thirty-seventh in direct descent from Helen of Troy. True, there +was a blot on the escutcheon of that lady--that affair with +Paris--but where is the family, other than my own, in which there +is no flaw? You are a lucky fellow, sir--a very lucky fellow! + ALEXIS Father, I am welling over with limpid joy! No +sicklying taint of sorrow overlies the lucid lake of liquid love, +upon which, hand in hand, Aline and I are to float into eternity! + SIR M. Alexis, I desire that of your love for this young +lady you do not speak so openly. You are always singing ballads +in praise of her beauty, and you expect the very menials who wait +behind your chair to chorus your ecstasies. It is not delicate. + ALEXIS Father, a man who loves as I love-- + SIR M. Pooh pooh, sir! fifty years ago I madly loved your +future mother-in-law, the Lady Sangazure, and I have reason to +believe that she returned my love. But were we guilty of the +indelicacy of publicly rushing into each other's arms, +exclaiming-- + + "Oh, my adored one!" "Beloved boy!" + "Ecstatic rapture!" "Unmingled joy!" + +which seems to be the modern fashion of love-making? No! it was +"Madam, I trust you are in the enjoyment of good health"--"Sir, +you are vastly polite, I protest I am mighty well"--and so forth. +Much more delicate--much more respectful. But see--Aline +approaches--let us retire, that she may compose herself for the +interesting ceremony in which she is to play so important a part. + (Exeunt Sir Marmaduke and +Alexis.) + + (Enter Aline on terrace, preceded by Chorus of Girls.) + + CHORUS OF GIRLS + + With heart and with voice + Let us welcome this mating: + To the youth of her choice, + With a heart palpitating, + Comes the lovely Aline! + + May their love never cloy! + May their bliss me unbounded! + With a halo of joy + May their lives be surrounded! + Heaven bless our Aline! + + RECITATIVE--ALINE. + + My kindly friends, I thank you for this greeting + And as you wish me every earthly joy, + I trust your wishes may have quick fulfillment! + + ARIA--ALINE. + + Oh, happy young heart! + Comes thy young lord a-wooing + With joy in his eyes, + And pride in his breast-- + Make much of thy prize, + For he is the best + That ever came a-suing. + Yet--yet we must part, + Young heart! + Yet--yet we must part! + + Oh, merry young heart, + Bright are the days of thy wooing! + But happier far + The days untried-- + No sorrow can mar, + When love has tied + The knot there's no undoing. + Then, never to part, + Young heart! + Then, never to part! + + Enter Lady Sangazure + + RECITATIVE--LADY S. + + My child, I join in these congratulations: + Heed not the tear that dims this aged eye! + Old memories crowd upon me. Though I sorrow, + 'Tis for myself, Aline, and not for thee! + + Enter Alexis, preceded by Chorus of Men + + CHORUS OF MEN AND WOMEN + + With heart and with voice + Let us welcome this mating; + To the maid of his choice, + With a heart palpitating, + Comes Alexis, the brave!. + +(Sir Marmaduke enters. Lady Sangazure and he exhibit signs of +strong +emotion at the sight of each other which they endeavor to +repress. Alexis and Aline rush into each other's arms.) + + RECITATIVE + +ALEXIS Oh, my adored one! + +ALINE Beloved boy! + +ALEXIS Ecstatic rapture! + +ALINE Unmingled joy! + (They +retire up.) + + DUET--SIR MARMADUKE and LADY SANGAZURE + +SIR M. (with stately courtesy) + Welcome joy, adieu to sadness! + As Aurora gilds the day, + So those eyes, twin orbs of gladness, + Chase the clouds of care away. + Irresistible incentive + Bids me humbly kiss your hand; + I'm your service most attentive-- + Most attentive to command! + +(Aside with frantic vehemence) + Wild with adoration! + Mad with fascination! + To indulge my lamentation + No occasion do I miss! + Goaded to distraction + By maddening inaction, + I find some satisfaction + In apostophe like this: + "Sangazure immortal, + "Sangazure divine, + "Welcome to my portal, + "Angel, oh be mine!" + +(Aloud with much ceremony) + Irresistible incentive + Bids me humbly kiss your hand; + I'm your servant most attentive-- + Most attentive to command! + +LADY S. Sir, I thank you most politely + For your grateful courtesee; + Compliment more true and knightly + Never yet was paid to me! + Chivalry is an ingredient + Sadly lacking in our land-- + Sir, I am your most obedient, + Most obedient to command! + +(Aside and with great vehemence) + Wild with adoration! + Mad with fascination! + To indulge my lamentation + No occasion do I miss! + Goaded to distraction + By maddening inaction, + I find some satisfaction + In apostophe like this: + "Marmaduke immortal, + "Marmaduke divine, + "Take me to thy portal, + "Loved one, oh be mine!" + +(Aloud with much ceremony) + Chivalry is an ingredient + Sadly lacking in our land; + Sir, I am your most obedient, + Most obedient to command! + + (During this the Notary has entered, with marriage contract.) + + RECITATIVE--NOTARY + + All is prepared for sealing and for signing, + The contract has been drafted as agreed; + Approach the table, oh, ye lovers pining, + With hand and seal come execute the deed! + +(Alexis and Aline advance and sign, Alexis supported by Sir +Marmaduke, +Aline by her Mother.) + + CHORUS + + See they sign, without a quiver, it-- + Then to seal proceed. + They deliver it--they deliver it + As their Act and Deed! +ALEX. I deliver it--I deliver it + As my Act and Deed!. +ALINE. I deliver it--I deliver it. + As my Act and Deed! + +CHO. With heart and with voice + Let us welcome this mating; + Leave them here to rejoice, + With true love palpitating, + Alexis the brave, + And the lovely Aline! + (Exeunt all but Alexis +and Aline.) + + ALEXIS At last we are alone! My darling, you are now +irrevocably betrothed to me. Are you not very, very happy? + ALINE Oh, Alexis, can you doubt it? Do I not love you +beyond all on earth, and am I not beloved in return? Is not true +love, faithfully given and faithfully returned, the source of +every earthly joy? + ALEXIS Of that there can be no doubt. Oh, that the world +could be persuaded of the truth of that maxim! Oh, that the +world would break down the artificial barriers of rank, wealth, +education, age, beauty, habits, taste, and temper, and recognize +the glorious principle, that in marriage alone is to be found the +panacea for every ill! + ALINE Continue to preach that sweet doctrine, and you will +succeed, oh, evangel of true happiness! + ALEXIS I hope so, but as yet the cause progresses but +slowly. Still I have made some converts to the principle, that +men and women should be coupled in matrimony without distinction +of rank. I have lectured on the subject at Mechanics' +Institutes, and the mechanics were unanimous in favour of my +views. I have preached in workhouses, beershops, and Lunatic +Asylums, and I have been received with enthusiasm. I have +addressed navvies on the advantages that would accrue to them if +they married wealthy ladies of rank, and not a navvy dissented! + ALINE Noble fellows! And yet there are those who hold that +the uneducated classes are not open to argument! And what do the +countesses say? + ALEXIS Why, at present, it can't be denied, the aristocracy +hold aloof. + ALINE Ah, the working man is the true Intelligence after +all! + ALEXIS He is a noble creature when he is quite sober. Yes, +Aline, true happiness comes of true love, and true love should be +independent of external influences. It should live upon itself +and by itself--in itself love should live for love alone! + + BALLAD--ALEXIS + + Love feeds on many kinds of food, I know, + Some love for rank, some for duty: + Some give their hearts away for empty show, + And others for youth and beauty. + To love for money all the world is prone: + Some love themselves, and live all lonely: + Give me the love that loves for love alone-- + I love that love--I love it only! + + What man for any other joy can thirst, + Whose loving wife adores him duly? + Want, misery, and care may do their worst, + If loving woman loves you truly. + A lover's thoughts are ever with his own-- + None truly loved is ever lonely: + Give me the love that loves for love alone-- + I love that love--I love it only! + + ALINE Oh, Alexis, those are noble principles! + ALEXIS Yes, Aline, and I am going to take a desperate step +in support of them. Have you ever heard of the firm of J. W. +Wells & Co., the old-established Family Sorcerers in St. Mary +Axe? + ALINE I have seen their advertisement. + ALEXIS They have invented a philtre, which, if report may +be believed, is simply infallible. I intend to distribute it +through the village, and within half an hour of my doing so there +will not be an adult in the place who will not have learnt the +secret of pure and lasting happiness. What do you say to that? + ALINE Well, dear, of course a filter is a very useful thing +in a house; but still I don't quite see that it is the sort of +thing that places its possessor on the very pinnacle of earthly +joy. + ALEXIS Aline, you misunderstand me. I didn't say a +filter--I said a philtre. + ALINE (alarmed) You don't mean a love-potion? + ALEXIS On the contrary--I do mean a love potion. + ALINE Oh, Alexis! I don't think it would be right. I +don't indeed. And then--a real magician! Oh, it would be +downright wicked. + ALEXIS Aline, is it, or is it not, a laudable object to +steep the whole village up to its lips in love, and to couple +them in matrimony without distinction of age, rank, or fortune? + ALINE Unquestionably, but-- + ALEXIS Then unpleasant as it must be to have recourse to +supernatural aid, I must nevertheless pocket my aversion, in +deference to the great and good end I have in view. (Calling) +Hercules. + + (Enter a Page from tent) + + PAGE Yes, sir. + ALEXIS Is Mr. Wells there? + PAGE He's in the tent, sir--refreshing. + ALEXIS Ask him to be so good as to step this way. + PAGE Yes, sir. +(Exit Page) + ALINE Oh, but, Alexis! A real Sorcerer! Oh, I shall be +frightened to death! + ALEXIS I trust my Aline will not yield to fear while the +strong right arm of her Alexis is here to protect her. + ALINE It's nonsense, dear, to talk of your protecting me +with your strong right arm, in face of the fact that this Family +Sorcerer could change me into a guinea-pig before you could turn +round. + ALEXIS He could change you into a guinea-pig, no doubt, but +it is most unlikely that he would take such a liberty. It's a +most respectable firm, and I am sure he would never be guilty of +so untradesmanlike an act. + + (Enter Mr. Wells from tent) + + WELLS Good day, sir. (Aline much terrified.) + ALEXIS Good day--I believe you are a Sorcerer. + WELLS Yes, sir, we practice Necromancy in all its branches. +We've a choice assortment of wishing-caps, divining-rods, +amulets, charms, and counter-charms. We can cast you a nativity +at a low figure, and we have a horoscope at three-and-six that we +can guarantee. Our Abudah chests, each containing a patent Hag +who comes out and prophesies disasters, with spring complete, are +strongly recommended. Our Aladdin lamps are very chaste, and our +Prophetic Tablets, foretelling everything--from a change of +Ministry down to a rise in Unified--are much enquired for. Our +penny Curse--one of the cheapest things in the trade--is +considered infallible. We have some very superior Blessings, +too, but they're very little asked for. We've only sold one +since Christmas--to a gentleman who bought it to send to his +mother-in-law--but it turned out that he was afflicted in the +head, and it's been returned on our hands. But our sale of penny +Curses, especially on Saturday nights, is tremendous. We can't +turn 'em out fast enough. + + SONG--MR. WELLS + + Oh! my name is John Wellington Wells, + I'm a dealer in magic and spells, + In blessings and curses + And ever-filled purses, + In prophecies, witches, and knells. + If you want a proud foe to "make tracks"-- + If you'd melt a rich uncle in wax-- + You've but to look in + On the resident Djinn, + Number seventy, Simmery Axe! + + We've a first-class assortment of magic; + And for raising a posthumous shade + With effects that are comic or tragic, + There's no cheaper house in the trade. + Love-philtre--we've quantities of it; + And for knowledge if any one burns, + We keep an extremely small prophet, a prophet + Who brings us unbounded returns: + + For he can prophesy + With a wink of his eye, + Peep with security + Into futurity, + Sum up your history, + Clear up a mystery, + Humour proclivity + For a nativity--for a nativity; + With mirrors so magical, + Tetrapods tragical, + Bogies spectacular, + Answers oracular, + Facts astronomical, + Solemn or comical, + And, if you want it, he + Makes a reduction on taking a quantity! + Oh! + + If any one anything lacks, + He'll find it all ready in stacks, + If he'll only look in + On the resident Djinn, + Number seventy, Simmery Axe! + + He can raise you hosts + Of ghosts, + And that without reflectors; + And creepy things + With wings, + And gaunt and grisly spectres. + He can fill you crowds + Of shrouds, + And horrify you vastly; + He can rack your brains + With chains, + And gibberings grim and ghastly. + + And then, if you plan it, he + Changes organity, + With an urbanity, + Full of Satanity, + Vexes humanity + With an inanity + Fatal to vanity-- + Driving your foes to the verge of insanity! + + Barring tautology, + In demonology, + 'Lectro-biology, + Mystic nosology, + Spirit philology, + High-class astrology, + Such is his knowledge, he + Isn't the man to require an apology! + + Oh! + My name is John Wellington Wells, + I'm a dealer in magic and spells, + In blessings and curses + And ever-filled purses, + In prophecies, witches, and knells. + + If any one anything lacks, + He'll find it all ready in stacks, + If he'll only look in + On the resident Djinn, + Number seventy, Simmery Axe! + + ALEXIS I have sent for you to consult you on a very +important matter. I believe you advertise a Patent Oxy-Hydrogen +Love-at-first-sight Philtre? + WELLS Sir, it is our leading article. (Producing a phial.) + ALEXIS Now I want to know if you can confidently guarantee +it as possessing all the qualities you claim for it in your +advertisement? + WELLS Sir, we are not in the habit of puffing our goods. +Ours is an old-established house with a large family connection, +and every assurance held out in the advertisement is fully +realized. (Hurt) + ALINE (aside) Oh, Alexis, don't offend him! He'll change +us into something dreadful--I know he will! + ALEXIS I am anxious from purely philanthropical motives to +distribute this philtre, secretly, among the inhabitants of this +village. I shall of course require a quantity. How do you sell +it? + WELLS In buying a quantity, sir, we should strongly advise +your taking it in the wood, and drawing it off as you happen to +want it. We have it in four-and-a-half and nine gallon +casks--also in pipes and hogsheads for laying down, and we deduct +10 per cent from prompt cash. + ALEXIS I should mention that I am a Member of the Army and + +Navy Stores. + WELLS In that case we deduct 25 percent. + ALEXIS Aline, the villagers will assemble to carouse in a +few minutes. Go and fetch the tea-pot. + ALINE But, Alexis-- + ALEXIS My dear, you must obey me, if you please. Go and +fetch the teapot. + ALINE (going) I'm sure Dr. Daly would disapprove of it! + +(Exit Aline.) + ALEXIS And how soon does it take effect? + WELLS In twelve hours. Whoever drinks of it loses +consciousness for that period, and on waking falls in love, as a +matter of course, with the first lady he meets who has also +tasted it, and his affection is at once returned. One trial will +prove the fact. + Enter Aline with large tea-pot + + ALEXIS Good: then, Mr. Wells, I shall feel obliged if you +will at once pour as much philtre into this teapot as will +suffice to affect the whole village. + ALINE But bless me, Alexis, many of the villages are +married people! + WELLS Madam, this philtre is compounded on the strictest +principles. On married people it has no effect whatever. But +are you quite sure that you have nerve enough to carry you +through the fearful ordeal? + ALEXIS In the good cause I fear nothing. + WELLS Very good, then, we will proceed at once to the +Incantation. + The stage grows dark. + + INCANTATION + +WELLS. Sprites of earth and air-- + Fiends of flame and fire-- + Demon souls, + Come here in shoals, + This dreaded deed inspire! + Appear, appear, appear. + +MALE VOICES. Good master, we are here! + +WELLS. Noisome hags of night-- + Imps of deadly shade-- + Pallid ghosts, + Arise in hosts, + And lend me all your aid. + Appear, appear, appear! + +FEMALE VOICES. Good master, we are here! + +ALEXIS. (aside) Hark, they assemble, + These fiends of the night! +ALINE. (aside) Oh Alexis, I tremble, + Seek safety in flight! + + + ARIA - ALINE + + Let us fly to a far-off land, + Where peace and plenty dwell-- + Where the sigh of the silver strand + Is echoed in every shell + To the joy that land will give, + On the wings of Love we'll fly; + In innocence, there to live-- + In innocence there to die! + + CHORUS OF SPIRITS. + + Too late--too late + It may not be! + That happy fate + Is not for (me/thee)! + + ALEXIS, ALINE, and MR. W. + + Too late--too late, + That may not be! + That happy fate, + Is not for thee! + + MR. WELLS + + Now shrivelled hags, with poison bags, + Discharge your loathsome loads! + Spit flame and fire, unholy choir! + Belch forth your venom, toads! + Ye demons fell, with yelp and yell, + Shed curses far afield-- + Ye fiends of night, your filthy blight + In noisome plenty yield! + +WELLS (pouring phial into tea-pot--flash) + Number One! +CHORUS It is done! +WELLS (same business) Number Two! (flash) +CHORUS One too few! +WELLS Number Three! (flash) +CHORUS Set us free! + Set us free-our work is done + Ha! ha! ha! + Set us free--our course is run! + Ha! ha! ha! + + ALINE AND ALEXIS (aside) + + Let us fly to a far-off land, + Where peace and plenty dwell-- + Where the sigh of the silver strand + Is echoed in every shell. + + + CHORUS OF FIENDS. + + Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! + +(Stage grows light. Mr. Wells beckons villagers. Enter villagers +and all the dramatis personae, dancing joyously. Mrs. Partlet and +Mr. Wells then distribute tea-cups.) + + CHORUS. + + Now to the banquet we press; + Now for the eggs, the ham; + Now for the mustard and cress, + Now for the strawberry jam! + + Now for the tea of our host, + Now for the rollicking bun, + Now for the muffin and toast, + Now for the gay Sally Lunn! + +WOMEN. The eggs and the ham, and the strawberry jam! + +MEN. The rollicking bun, and the gay Sally Lunn! + The rollicking, rollicking bun! + + RECITATIVE--SIR MARMADUKE + + Be happy all--the feast is spread before ye; + Fear nothing, but enjoy yourselves, I pray! + Eat, aye, and drink--be merry, I implore ye, + For once let thoughtless Folly rule the day. + + TEA-CUP BRINDISI + + Eat, drink, and be gay, + Banish all worry and sorrow, + Laugh gaily to-day, + Weep, if you're sorry, to-morrow! + Come, pass the cup around-- + I will go bail for the liquor; + It's strong, I'll be bound, + For it was brewed by the vicar! + + CHORUS. + + None so knowing as he + At brewing a jorum of tea, + Ha! ha! + A pretty stiff jorum of tea. + + TRIO--WELLS, ALINE, and ALEXIS. (aside) + + See--see--they drink-- + All thoughts unheeding, + The tea-cups clink, + They are exceeding! + Their hearts will melt + In half-an-hour-- + Then will be felt + The potions power! + +(During this verse Constance has brought a small tea-pot, kettle, +caddy, and cosy to Dr. Daly. He makes tea scientifically.) + + BRINDISI, 2nd Verse--DR. DALY (with the tea-pot) + + Pain, trouble, and care, + Misery, heart-ache, and worry, + Quick, out of your lair! + Get you gone in a hurry! + Toil, sorrow, and plot, + Fly away quicker and quicker-- + Three spoons in the pot-- + That is the brew of your vicar! + + CHORUS + + None so cunning as he + At brewing a jorum of tea, + Ha! ha! + A pretty stiff jorum of tea! + + ENSEMBLE--ALEXIS and ALINE (aside) + + Oh love, true love--unworldly, abiding! + Source of all pleasure--true fountain of joy,-- + Oh love, true love--divinely confiding, + Exquisite treasure that knows no alloy,-- + Oh love, true love, rich harvest of gladness, + Peace-bearing tillage--great garner of bliss,-- + Oh love, true love, look down on our sadness -- + Dwell in this village--oh, hear us in this! + +(It becomes evident by the strange conduct of the characters that +the charm is working. All rub their eyes, and stagger about the +stage as if under the influence of a narcotic.) + + TUTTI (aside) ALEXIS, MR. WELLS and ALINE + +Oh, marvellous illusion! A marvellous illusion! + Oh, terrible surprise! A terrible surprise +What is this strange confusion Excites a strange confusion + That veils my aching eyes? Within their aching eyes-- +I must regain my senses, They must regain their senses, + Restoring Reason's law, Restoring Reason's law, +Or fearful inferences Or fearful inferences + Society will draw! Society will draw! + +(Those who have partaken of the philtre struggle in vain against +its effects, and, at the end of the chorus, fall insensible on +the stage.) + + END OF ACT I + + ACT II + + +Scene--Exterior of Sir Marmaduke's mansion by moonlight. All the +peasantry are discovered asleep on the ground, as at the end of +Act I. + +Enter Mr. Wells, on tiptoe, followed by Alexis and Aline. Mr. Wells +carries a dark lantern. + + TRIO--ALEXIS, ALINE, and MR. WELLS + + 'Tis twelve, I think, + And at this mystic hour + The magic drink + Should manifest its power. + Oh, slumbering forms, + How little ye have guessed + That fire that warms + Each apathetic breast! + +ALEX. But stay, my father is not here! + +ALINE. And pray where is my mother dear? + +MR. WELLS. I did not think it meet to see + A dame of lengthy pedigree, + A Baronet and K.C.B. + A Doctor of Divinity, + And that respectable Q.C., + All fast asleep, al-fresco-ly, + And so I had them taken home + And put to bed respectably! + I trust my conduct meets your approbation. + +ALEX. Sir, you have acted with discrimination, + And shown more delicate appreciation + Than we expect of persons of your station. + +MR. WELLS. But stay--they waken one by one -- + The spell has worked--the deed is done! + I would suggest that we retire + While Love, the Housemaid, lights her kitchen + fire! + +(Exeunt Mr. Wells, Alexis and Aline, on tiptoe, as the villagers +stretch their arms, yawn, rub their eyes, and sit up.) + +MEN. Why, where be oi, and what be oi a doin', + A sleepin' out, just when the dews du rise? +GIRLS. Why, that's the very way your health to ruin, + And don't seem quite respectable likewise! +MEN. (staring at girls) Eh, that's you! + Only think o' that now! +GIRLS. (coyly) What may you be at, now? + Tell me, du! +MEN. (admiringly) Eh, what a nose, + And eh, what eyes, miss! + Lips like a rose, + And cheeks likewise, miss! +GIRLS. (coyly) Oi tell you true, + Which I've never done, sir, + Oi loike you + As I never loiked none, sir! +ALL. Eh, but oi du loike you! +MEN. If you'll marry me, I'll dig for you +and + rake for you! +GIRLS. If you'll marry be, I'll scrub for you + and bake for you! +MEN. If you'll marry me, all others I'll + forsake for you! +ALL. All this will I du, if you marry + me! +GIRLS. If you'll marry me, I'll cook for you + and brew for you! +MEN. If you'll marry me, I've guineas not +a + few for you! +GIRLS. If you'll marry me, I'll take you in +and + du for you! +ALL. All this will I du, if you'll marry +me! + Eh, but I do loike you! + + Country Dance + +(At end of dance, enter Constance in tears, leading Notary, who +carries an ear-trumpet) + + Aria--CONSTANCE + + Dear friends, take pity on my lot, + My cup is not of nectar! + I long have loved--as who would not?-- + Our kind and reverend rector. + Long years ago my love began + So sweetly--yet so sadly-- + But when I saw this plain old man, + Away my old affection ran-- + I found I loved him madly. + Oh! + +(To Notary) You very, very plain old man, + I love, I love you madly! +CHORUS. You very, very plain old man, + She loves, she loves you madly! +NOTARY. I am a very deaf old man, + And hear you very badly! + +CONST. I know not why I love him so; + It is enchantment, surely! + He's dry and snuffy, deaf and slow + Ill-tempered, weak and poorly! + He's ugly, and absurdly dressed, + And sixty-seven nearly, + He's everything that I detest, + But if the truth must be confessed, + I love him very dearly! + Oh! + +(To Notary) You're everything that I detest, + But still I love you dearly! + +CHORUS. You've everything that girls detest, + But still she loves you dearly! + +NOTARY. I caught that line, but for the rest, + I did not hear it clearly! + +(During this verse Aline and Alexis have entered at back +unobserved.) + + ALINE AND ALEXIS + +ALEX Oh joy! oh joy! + The charm works well, + And all are now united. + +ALINE. The blind young boy + Obeys the spell, + And troth they all have plighted! + +ENSEMBLE + + Aline & Alexis Constance Notary + +Oh joy! oh joy! Oh, bitter joy! Oh joy! oh +joy! + The charm works well, No words can tell No words can +tell + And all are now united! How my poor heart My state +of mind +The blind young boy is blighted! +delighted. + Obeys the spell, They'll soon employ They'll soon +employ + A marriage bell, A marriage +bell, + Their troth they all To say that we're To say +that we're + have plighted. united. united. +True happiness I do confess True happiness + Reigns everywhere, A sorrow rare Reigns +everywhere + And dwells with both My humbled spirit And dwells +with both + the sexes. vexes. the +sexes, +And all will bless And none will bless And all will +bless + The thoughtful care Example rare Example rare + Of their beloved Of their beloved Of their +beloved + Alexis! Alexis! Alexis! + (All, except Alexis and Aline, exeunt +lovingly.) + + ALINE How joyful they all seem in their new-found +happiness! The whole village has paired off in the happiest +manner. And yet not a match has been made that the hollow world +would not consider ill-advised! + ALEXIS But we are wiser--far wiser--than the world. +Observe the good that will become of these ill-assorted unions. +The miserly wife will check the reckless expenditure of her too +frivolous consort, the wealthy husband will shower innumerable +bonnets on his penniless bride, and the young and lively spouse +will cheer the declining days of her aged partner with comic +songs unceasing! + ALINE What a delightful prospect for him! + ALEXIS But one thing remains to be done, that my happiness +may be complete. We must drink the philtre ourselves, that I may +be assured of your love for ever and ever. + ALINE Oh, Alexis, do you doubt me? Is it necessary that +such love as ours should be secured by artificial means? Oh, no, +no, no! + ALEXIS My dear Aline, time works terrible changes, and I +want to place our love beyond the chance of change. + ALINE Alexis, it is already far beyond that chance. Have +faith in me, for my love can never, never change! + ALEXIS Then you absolutely refuse? + ALINE I do. If you cannot trust me, you have no right to +love me--no right to be loved by me. + ALEXIS Enough, Aline, I shall know how to interpret this +refusal. + + BALLAD--ALEXIS + + Thou hast the power thy vaunted love + To sanctify, all doubt above, + Despite the gathering shade: + To make that love of thine so sure + That, come what may, it must endure + Till time itself shall fade. + They love is but a flower + That fades within the hour! + If such thy love, oh, shame! + Call it by other name-- + It is not love! + + Thine is the power and thine alone, + To place me on so proud a throne + That kings might envy me! + A priceless throne of love untold, + More rare than orient pearl and gold. + But no! Thou wouldst be free! + Such love is like the ray + That dies within the day: + If such thy love, oh, shame! + Call it by other name-- + It is not love! + + Enter Dr. Daly. + + DR. D. (musing) It is singular--it is very singular. It +has overthrown all my calculations. It is distinctly opposed to +the doctrine of averages. I cannot understand it. + ALINE Dear Dr. Daly, what has puzzled you? + DR. D. My dear, this village has not hitherto been addicted +to marrying and giving in marriage. Hitherto the youths of this +village have not been enterprising, and the maidens have been +distinctly coy. Judge then of my surprise when I tell you that +the whole village came to me in a body just now, and implored me +to join them in matrimony with as little delay as possible. Even +your excellent father has hinted to me that before very long it +is not unlikely that he may also change his condition. + ALINE Oh, Alexis--do you hear that? Are you not delighted? + ALEXIS Yes, I confess that a union between your mother and +my father would be a happy circumstance indeed. (Crossing to Dr. +Daly) My dear sir--the news that you bring us is very +gratifying. + DR. D. Yes--still, in my eyes, it has its melancholy side. + +This universal marrying recalls the happy days--now, alas, gone +forever--when I myself might have--but tush! I am puling. I am +too old to marry--and yet, within the last half-hour, I have +greatly yearned for companionship. I never remarked it before, +but the young maidens of this village are very comely. So +likewise are the middle-aged. Also the elderly. All are +comely--and (with a deep sigh) all are engaged! + ALINE Here comes your father. + + Enter Sir Marmaduke with Mrs. Partlet, arm-in-arm + + ALINE and ALEXIS (aside). Mrs. Partlet! + SIR M. Dr. Daly, give me joy. Alexis, my dear boy, you +will, I am sure, be pleased to hear that my declining days are +not unlikely to be solaced by the companionship of this good, +virtuous, and amiable woman. + ALEXIS (rather taken aback) My dear father, this is not +altogether what I expected. I am certainly taken somewhat by +surprise. Still it can hardly be necessary to assure you that +any wife of yours is a mother of mine. (Aside to Aline.) It is +not quite what I could have wished. + MRS. P. (crossing to Alexis) Oh, sir, I entreat your +forgiveness. I am aware that socially I am not everything that +could be desired, nor am I blessed with an abundance of worldly +goods, but I can at least confer on your estimable father the +great and priceless dowry of a true, tender, and lovin' 'art! + ALEXIS (coldly) I do not question it. After all, a +faithful love is the true source of every earthly joy. + SIR M. I knew that my boy would not blame his poor father +for acting on the impulse of a heart that has never yet misled +him. Zorah is not perhaps what the world calls beautiful-- + DR. D. Still she is comely--distinctly comely. (Sighs) + ALINE Zorah is very good, and very clean, and honest, and +quite, quite sober in her habits: and that is worth far more than +beauty, dear Sir Marmaduke. + DR. D. Yes; beauty will fade and perish, but personal +cleanliness is practically undying, for it can be renewed +whenever it discovers symptoms of decay. My dear Sir Marmaduke, +I heartily congratulate you. (Sighs) + + QUINTETTE + + ALEXIS, ALINE, SIR MARMADUKE, ZORAH, and DR. DALY + +ALEXIS. I rejoice that it's decided, + Happy now will be his life, + For my father is provided + With a true and tender wife. + She will tend him, nurse him, mend him, + Air his linen, dry his tears; + Bless the thoughtful fate that send him + Such a wife to soothe his years! + +ALINE. No young giddy thoughtless maiden, + Full of graces, airs, and jeers-- + But a sober widow, laden + With the weight of fifty years! + +SIR M. No high-born exacting beauty + Blazing like a jewelled sun-- + But a wife who'll do her duty, + As that duty should be done! + +MRS. P. I'm no saucy minx and giddy-- + Hussies such as them abound-- + But a clean and tidy widdy + Well be-known for miles around! + +DR.D. All the village now have mated, + All are happy as can be-- + I to live alone am fated: + No one's left to marry me! + +ENSEMBLE. She will tend him etc. + +(Exeunt Sir Marmaduke, Mrs. Partlet, and Aline, with Alexis. Dr. +Daly +looks after them sentimentally, then exits with a sigh.) + + Enter Mr. Wells + + RECITATIVE--MR. WELLS + + Oh, I have wrought much evil with my spells! + And ill I can't undo! + This is too bad of you, J. W. Wells-- + What wrong have they done you? + And see--another love-lorn lady comes-- + Alas, poor stricken dame! + A gentle pensiveness her life benumbs-- + And mine, alone, the blame! + + Lady Sangazure enters. She is very melancholy + +LADY S. Alas, ah me! and well-a-day! + I sigh for love, and well I may, + For I am very old and grey. + But stay! + + (Sees Mr. Wells, and becomes fascinated by him.) + + RECITATIVE + +LADY S. What is this fairy form I see before me? +MR. W. Oh horrible!--She's going to adore me! + This last catastrophe is overpowering! +LADY S. Why do you glare at one with visage lowering? + For pity's sake recoil not thus from me! +MR. W. My lady leave me--this may never be! + + DUET--LADY SANGAZURE and MR. WELLS + +MR. W. Hate me! I drop my H's--have through life! +LADY S. Love me! I'll drop them too! +MR. W. Hate me! I always eat peas with a knife! +LADY S. Love me! I'll eat like you! +MR. W. Hate me! I spend the day at Rosherville! +LADY S. Love me! that joy I'll share! +MR. W. Hate me! I often roll down One Tree Hill! +LADY S. Love me! I'll join you there! + +LADY S. Love me! My prejudices I will drop! +MR. W. Hate me! that's not enough! +LADY S. Love me! I'll come and help you in the shop! +MR. W. Hate me! the life is rough! +LADY S. Love me! my grammar I will all forswear! +MR. W. Hate me! abjure my lot! +LADY S. Love me! I'll stick sunflowers in my hair! +MR. W. Hate me! they'll suit you not! + + RECITATIVE--MR. WELLS + + At what I am going to say be not enraged-- + I may not love you--for I am engaged! +LADY S. (horrified) Engaged! +MR. W. Engaged! + To a maiden fair, + With bright brown hair, + And a sweet and simple smile, + Who waits for me + By the sounding sea, + On a South Pacific isle. +MR. W. (aside) A lie! No maiden waits me there! +LADY S. (mournfully) She has bright brown hair; +MR. W. (aside) A lie! No maiden smiles on me! +LADY S. (mournfully) By the sounding sea! + + ENSEMBLE + + LADY SANGAZURE MR. W. + +Oh agony, rage, despair! Oh, agony, rage, +despair! +The maiden has bright brown hair, Oh, where will this +end--oh, where? + And mine is as white as snow! I should like very much +to know! +False man, it will be your fault, It will certainly be my +fault, +If I go to my family vault, If she goes to her family +vault, + And bury my life-long woe! To bury her life-long +woe! + +BOTH. The family vault--the family vault. + It will certainly be (your/my) fault. + If (I go/she goes) to (my/her) family vault, + To bury (my/her) life-long woe! + +(Exit Lady Sangazure, in great anguish, accompanied by Mr. Wells.) + + Enter Aline, Recitative + + Alexis! Doubt me not, my loved one! See, + Thine uttered will is sovereign law to me! + All fear--all thought of ill I cast away! + It is may darling's will, and I obey! + (She drinks the +philtre.) + + The fearful deed is done, + My love is near! + I go to meet my own + In trembling fear! + If o'er us aught of ill + Should cast a shade, + It was my darling's will, + And I obeyed! + +(As Aline is going off, she meets Dr. Daly, entering pensively. He +is playing on a flageolet. Under the influence of the spell she +at once becomes strangely fascinated by him, and exhibits every +symptom of being hopelessly in love with him.) + + SONG--DR. DALY + + Oh, my voice is sad and low + And with timid step I go-- + For with load of love o'er laden + I enquire of every maiden, + "Will you wed me, little lady? + Will you share my cottage shady?" + Little lady answers "No! + Thank you for your kindly proffer-- + Good your heart, and full your coffer; + Yet I must decline your offer-- + I'm engaged to So-and-so!" + So-and-so! + So-and-so! (flageolet solo) + She's engaged to So-and-so! + What a rogue young hearts to pillage; + What a worker on Love's tillage! + Every maiden in the village + Is engage to So-and-so! + So-and-so! + So-and-so! (flageolet solo) + All engaged to So-and-so! + +(At the end of the song Dr. Daly sees Aline, and, under the +influence of the potion, falls in love with her.) + + ENSEMBLE--ALINE and DR. DALY. + + Oh, joyous boon! oh, mad delight; + Oh, sun and moon! oh, day and night! + Rejoice, rejoice with me! + Proclaim our joy, ye birds above-- + Yet brooklets, murmur forth our love, + In choral ecstasy: +ALINE. Oh, joyous boon! +DR. D. Oh, mad delight! +ALINE. Oh, sun and moon! +DR. D. Oh, day and night! +BOTH. Ye birds, and brooks, and fruitful trees, + With choral joy, delight the breeze-- + Rejoice, rejoice with me! + + Enter Alexis + + ALEXIS (with rapture). Aline my only love, my happiness! +The philtre--you have tasted it? + ALINE (with confusion). Yes! Yes! + ALEXIS Oh, joy, mine, mine for ever, and for aye! + +(Embraces her.) + ALINE Alexis, don't do that--you must not! + +(Dr. Daly interposes between them) + + ALEXIS (amazed). Why? + + DUET--ALINE and DR. DALY + +ALINE. Alas! that lovers thus should meet: + Oh, pity, pity me! + Oh, charge me not with cold deceit; + Oh, pity, pity me! + You bade me drink--with trembling awe + I drank, and, by the potion's law, + I loved the very first I saw! + Oh, pity, pity, me! + +DR. D. My dear young friend, consoled be-- + We pity, pity you. + In this I'm not an agent free-- + We pity, pity you. + Some most extraordinary spell + O'er us has cast its magic fell-- + The consequence I need not tell. + We pity, pit you. + + ENSEMBLE + + Some most extraordinary spell + O'er (us/them) has cast its magic fell-- + The consequence (we/they) need not tell. + (We/They) pity, pity (thee!/me). + +ALEXIS (furiously) False one, begone--I spurn thee, + To thy new lover turn thee! + Thy perfidy all men shall know, +ALINE. (wildly) I could not help it! +ALEXIS (calling off) Come one, come all! +DR. D. We could not help it! +ALEXIS (calling off) Obey my call! +ALINE (wildly) I could not help it! +ALEXIS (calling off) Come hither, run! +DR. D. We could not help it! +ALEXIS (calling off) Come, every one! + + Enter all the characters except Lady Sangazure and Mr. Wells + + CHORUS + + Oh, what is the matter, and what is the clatter? + He's glowering at her, and threatens a blow! + Oh, why does he batter the girl he did flatter? + And why does the latter recoil from him so? + + RECITATIVE--ALEXIS + + Prepare for sad surprises-- + My love Aline despises! + No thought of sorrow shames her-- + Another lover claims her! + Be his, false girl, for better or for worse-- + But, ere you leave me, may a lover's curse-- + + DR. D. (coming forward) Hold! Be just. This poor child +drank the philtre at your instance. She hurried off to meet +you--but, most unhappily, she met me instead. As you had +administered the potion to both of us, the result was inevitable. +But fear nothing from me--I will be no man's rival. I shall quit +the country at once--and bury my sorrow in the congenial gloom of +a Colonial Bishopric. + ALEXIS My excellent old friend! (Taking his hand--then +turning to Mr. Wells, who has entered with Lady Sangazure.) Oh, +Mr. +Wells, what, what is to be done? + WELLS I do not know--and yet--there is one means by which +this spell may be removed. + ALEXIS Name it--oh, name it! + WELLS Or you or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes. I +would rather it were you. I should have no hesitation in +sacrificing my own life to spare yours, but we take stock next +week, and it would not be fair on the Co. + ALEXIS True. Well, I am ready! + ALINE No, no--Alexis--it must not be! Mr. Wells, if he +must die that all may be restored to their old loves, what is to +become of me? I should be left out in the cold, with no love to +be restored to! + WELLS True--I did not think of that. (To the others) My +friends, I appeal to you, and I will leave the decision in your +hands. + + FINALE + +MR. W. Or I or he + Must die! + Which shall it be? + Reply! +SIR M. Die thou! + Thou art the cause of all offending! +DR. D. Die thou! + Yield to this decree unbending! +ALL. Die thou! +MR. W. So be it! I submit! My fate is sealed. + To public execration thus I yield! + + (Falls on trap) + + Be happy all--leave me to my despair-- + I go--it matters not with whom--or where! + + (Gong) + +(All quit their present partners, and rejoin their old lovers. +Sir Marmaduke leaves Mrs. Partlet, and goes to Lady Sangazure. +Aline +leaves Dr. Daly, and goes to Alexis. Dr. Daly leaves Aline, and +goes +to Constance. Notary leaves Constance, and goes to Mrs. Partlet. +All +the Chorus makes a corresponding change.) + + ALL + +GENTLEMEN. Oh, my adored one! +LADIES. Unmingled joy! +GENTLEMEN. Ecstatic rapture! +LADIES. Beloved boy! + + (They embrace) + +SIR M. Come to my mansion, all of you! At least + We'll crown our rapture with another feast! + + ENSEMBLE + + SIR MARMADUKE, LADY SANGAZURE, ALEXIS, and ALINE + + Now to the banquet we press-- + Now for the eggs and the ham-- + Now for the mustard and cress-- + Now for the strawberry jam! + +CHORUS Now to the banquet, etc. + +DR. DALY, CONSTANCE, NOTARY, and MRS. PARTLET + + Now for the tea of our host-- + Now for the rollicking bun-- + Now for the muffin and toast-- + Now for the gay Sally Lunn! + +CHORUS. Now for the tea, etc. + + (General Dance) + +(During the symphony Mr. Wells sinks through the trap, amid red +fire.) + + CURTAIN + + + THESPIS + + OR + + THE GODS GROWN OLD + + + Libretto by William S. Gilbert + Music by Arthur S. Sullivan + + + DRAMATIS PERSONAE + + GODS + +Jupiter, Aged Diety +Apollo, Aged Diety +Mars, Aged Diety +Diana, Aged Diety +Mercury + + THESPIANS + +Thespis +Sillimon +Timidon +Tipseion +Preposteros +Stupidas +Sparkeion +Nicemis +Pretteia +Daphne +Cymon + + ACT I - Ruined Temple on the Summit of Mount Olympus + + ACT II - The same Scene, with the Ruins Restored + + + ACT I + +[Scene--The ruins of the The Temple of the Gods, on summit of +Mount Olympus. Picturesque shattered columns, overgrown with +ivy, etc. R. and L. with entrances to temple (ruined) R. Fallen +columns on the stage. Three broken pillars 2 R.E. At the back of +stage is the approach from the summit of the mountain. This +should be "practicable" to enable large numbers of people to +ascend and descend. In the distance are the summits of adjacent +mountains. At first all this is concealed by a thick fog, which +clears presently. Enter (through fog) Chorus of Stars coming off +duty as fatigued with their night's work] + +CHO. Through the night, the constellations, + Have given light from various stations. + When midnight gloom falls on all nations, + We will resume our occupations. + +SOLO. Our light, it's true, is not worth mention; + What can we do to gain attention. + When night and noon with vulgar glaring + A great big moon is always flaring. + +[During chorus, enter Diana, an elderly goddess. She is carefully +wrapped up in cloaks, shawls, etc. A hood is over her head, a +respirator in her mouth, and galoshes on her feet. During the +chorus, she takes these things off and discovers herself dressed +in the usual costume of the Lunar Diana, the goddess of the moon. + +DIA. [shuddering] Ugh. How cold the nights are. I don't know how +it is, but I seem to feel the night air a good deal more than I +used to. But it is time for the sun to be rising. [Calls] Apollo. + +AP. [within] Hollo. + +DIA. I've come off duty--it's time for you to be getting up. + +[Enter Apollo. He is an elderly "buck" with an air of assumed +juvenility and is dressed in dressing gown and smoking cap. + +AP. [yawning] I shan't go out today. I was out yesterday and the +day before and I want a little rest. I don't know how it is,but I +seem to feel my work a great deal more than I used to. + +DIA. I am sure these short days can't hurt you. Why you don't +rise til six and you're in bed again by five; you should have a +turn at my work and see how you like that--out all night. + +AP. My dear sister, I don't envy you--though I remember when I +did--but that was when I was a younger sun. I don't think I'm +quite well. Perhaps a little change of air will do me good. I've +a mind to show myself in London this winter. They'll be very glad +to see me. No. I shan't go out today. I shall send them this +fine, thick wholesome fog and they won't miss me. It's the best +substitute for a blazing sun--and like most substitutes, nothing +at all like the real thing. + +[Fog clears away and discovers the scene described. Hurried +music. Mercury shoots up from behind precipice at the back of +stage. He carries several parcels afterwards described. He sits +down, very much fatigued.] + +MER. Home at last. A nice time I've had of it. + +DIA. You young scamp you've been out all night again. This is the +third time you've been out this week. + +MER. Well you're a nice one to blow me up for that. + +DIA. I can't help being out all night. + +MER. And I can't help being down all night. The nature of Mercury +requires that he should go down when the sun sets, and rise again +when the sun rises. + +DIA. And what have you been doing? + +MER. Stealing on commission. There's a set of false teeth and a +box of Life Pills for Jupiter--an invisible peruke and a bottle +of hair dye--that's for Apollo--a respirator and a pair of +galoshes--that's for Cupid--a full bottomed chignon, some +auricomous fluid, a box of pearl-powder, a pot of rouge, and a +hare's foot--that's for Venus. + +DIA. Stealing. You ought to be ashamed of yourself. + +MER. Oh, as the god of thieves I must do something to justify my +position. + +DIA.and AP. [contemptuously] Your position. + +MER. Oh, I know it's nothing to boast of even on earth. Up here, +it's simply contemptible. Now that you gods are too old for your +work, you've made me the miserable drudge of Olympus--groom, +valet, postman, butler, commissionaire, maid of all work, parish +beadle, and original dustman. + +AP. Your Christmas boxes ought to be something considerable. + +MER. They ought to be but they're not. I'm treated abominably. +I make everybody and I'm nobody. I go everywhere and I'm +nowhere. I do everything and I'm nothing. I've made thunder for +Jupiter, odes for Apollo, battles for Mars, and love for Venus. +I've married couples for Humen and six weeks afterwards, I've +divorced them for Cupid, and in return I get all the kicks while +they pocket the halfpence. And in compensation for robbing me of +the halfpence in question, what have they done for me. + +AP. Why they've--ha.ha.ha. they've made you the god of thieves. + +MER. Very self denying of them. There isn't one of them who +hasn't a better claim to the distinction than I have. + + Oh, I'm the celestial drudge, + For morning to night I must stop at it. + On errands all day I must trudge, + And stick to my work til I drop at it. + In summer I get up at one. + (As a good-natured donkey I'm ranked for it.) + then I go and I light up the sun. + And Phoebus Apollo gets thanked for it. + Well, well, it's the way of the world. + And will be through all its futurity. + Though noodles are baroned and earled, + There's nothing for clever obscurity. + + I'm the slave of the Gods, neck and heels, + And I'm bound to obey, though I rate at 'em. + And I not only order their meals, + But I cook 'em and serve'em and wait at 'em. + Then I make all their nectar, I do. + (What a terrible liquor to rack us is.) + And whenever I mix them a brew, + Why all the thanksgivings are Bacchus's. + Well, well, it's the way of the world, etc..... + + The reading and writing I teach. + And spelling-books many I've edited. + And for bringing those arts within reach, + That donkey Minerva gets credited. + Then I scrape at the stars with a knife, + And plate-powder the moon (on the days for it). + And I hear all the world and his wife + Awarding Diana the praise for it. + Well, well, it's the way of the world, etc.... + +[After song--very loud and majestic music is heard] + +DIA and MER [looking off] Why, who's this? Jupiter, by Jove. + +[Enter Jupiter, an extremely old man, very decrepit, with very +thin straggling white beard, he wears a long braided dressing +gown, handsomely trimmed, and a silk night-cap on his head. +Mercury falls back respectfully as he enters.] + +JUP. Good day, Diana. Ah, Apollo. Well, well, well, what's the +matter? What's the matter? + +DIA. Why that young scamp Mercury says that we do nothing, and +leave all the duties of Olympus to him. Will you believe it, he +actually says that our influence on earth is dropping down to +nil. + +JUP. Well, well. Don't be hard on the lad. To tell you the +truth, I'm not sure that he's far wrong. Don't let it go any +further, but, between ourselves, the sacrifices and votive +offerings have fallen off terribly of late. Why, I can remember +the time when people offered us human sacrifices, no mistake +about it, human sacrifices. Think of that. + +DIA. Ah. Those good old days. + +JUP. Then it fell off to oxen, pigs, and sheep. + +AP. Well, there are worse things than oxen, pigs and sheep. + +JUP. So I've found to my cost. My dear sir, between ourselves, +it's dropped off from one thing to another until it has +positively dwindled down to preserved Australian beef. What do +you think of that? + +AP. I don't like it at all. + +JUP. You won't mention it. It might go further. + +DIA. It couldn't fare worse. + +JUP. In short, matters have come to such a crisis that there's no +mistake about it--something must be done to restore our +influence, the only question is, what? + +MER. [Coming forward in great alarm. Enter Mars] + Oh incident unprecedented. + I hardly can believe it's true. + +MARS. Why, bless the boy, he's quite demented. + Why, what's the matter, sir, with you? + +AP. Speak quickly, or you'll get a warming. + +MER. Why, mortals up the mount are swarming + Our temple on Olympus storming, + In hundreds--aye in thousands, too. + +ALL. Goodness gracious + How audacious + Earth is spacious + Why come here? + Our impeding + Their proceeding + Were good breeding + That is clear. + +DIA. Jupiter, hear my plea. + Upon the mount if they light. + There'll be an end of me. + I won't be seen by daylight. + +AP. Tartarus is the place + These scoundrels you should send to-- + Should they behold my face. + My influence there's an end to. + +JUP. [looking over precipice] + What fools to give themselves + so much exertion + +DIA. A government survey I'll make assertion. + +AP. Perhaps the Alpine clubs their diversion. + +MER. They seem to be more like a "Cook's" excursion. + +ALL. Goodness gracious, etc. + +AP. If, mighty Jove, you value your existence, + Send them a thunderbolt with your regards. + +JUP. My thunderbolts, though valid at a distance, + Are not effective at a hundred yards. + +MER. Let the moon's rays, Diana, strike 'em flighty, + Make 'em all lunatics in various styles. + +DIA. My lunar rays unhappily are mighty + Only at many hundred thousand miles. + +ALL. Goodness gracious, etc... + +[Exeunt Jupiter, Apollo, Diana, and Mercury into ruined temple] + +[Enter Sparkeion and Nicemis climbing mountain at back.] + +SPAR. Here we are at last on the very summit, and we've left the +others ever so far behind. Why, what's this? + +NICE. A ruined palace. A palace on the top of a mountain. I +wonder who lives here? Some mighty kind, I dare say, with wealth +beyond all counting who came to live up here-- + +SPAR. To avoid his creditors. It's a lovely situation for a +country house though it's very much out of repair. + +NICE. Very inconvenient situation. + +SPAR. Inconvenient. + +NICE. Yes, how are you to get butter, milk, and eggs up here? No +pigs, no poultry, no postman. Why, I should go mad. + +SPAR. What a dear little practical mind it is. What a wife you +will make. + +NICE. Don't be too sure--we are only partly married--the marriage +ceremony lasts all day. + +SPAR. I have no doubt at all about it. We shall be as happy as a +king and queen, though we are only a strolling actor and actress. + +NICE. It's very nice of Thespis to celebrate our marriage day by +giving the company a picnic on this lovely mountain. + +SPAR. And still more kind to allow us to get so much ahead of all +the others. Discreet Thespis. [kissing her] + +NICE,. There now, get away, do. Remember the marriage ceremony +is not yet completed. + +SPAR. But it would be ungrateful to Thespis's discretion not to +take advantage of it by improving the opportunity. + +NICE. Certainly not; get away. + +SPAR. On second thought the opportunity's so good it don't admit +of improvement. There. [kisses her] + +NICE. How dare you kiss me before we are quite married? + +SPAR. Attribute it to the intoxicating influence of the mountain +air. + +NICE. Then we had better do down again. It is not right to +expose ourselves to influences over which we have no control. + +SPAR. Here far away from all the world, + Dissension and derision, + With Nature's wonders all unfurled + To our delighted vision, + With no one here + (At least in sight) + To interfere + With our delight, + And two fond lovers sever, + Oh do not free, + Thine hand from mine, + I swear to thee + My love is ever thine + For ever and for ever. + +NICE. On mountain top the air is keen, + And most exhilarating, + And we say things we do not mean + In moments less elating. + So please to wait + For thoughts that crop, + En tete-a-tete, + On mountain top, + May not exactly tally + With those that you + May entertain, + Returning to + The sober plain + Of yon relaxing valley + +SPAR. Very well--if you won't have anything to say to me, I know +who will. + +NICE. Who will? + +SPAR. Daphne will. + +NICE. Daphne would flirt with anybody. + +SPAR. Anybody would flirt with Daphne. She is quite as pretty as +you and has twice as much back-hair. + +NICE. She has twice as much money, which may account for it. + +SPAR. At all events, she has appreciation. She likes good looks. + +NICE. We all like what we haven;t got. + +SPAR. She keeps her eyes open. + +NICE. Yes--one of them. + +SPAR. Which one. + +NICE. The one she doesn't wink with. + +SPAR. Well, I was engaged to her for six months and if she still +makes eyes at me, you must attribute it to force of habit. +Besides--remember--we are only half-married at present. + +NICE. I suppose you mean that you are going to treat me as +shamefully as you treated her. Very well, break it off if you +like. I shall not offer any objection. Thespis used to be very +attentive to me. I'd just as soon be a manager's wife as a fifth- +rate actor's. + +[Chorus heard, at first below, then enter Daphne, Pretteia, +Preposteros, Stupidas, Tipseion, Cymon, and other members of +Thespis's company climbing over rocks at back. All carry small +baskets.] + +CHO. [with dance] Climbing over rocky mountain + Skipping rivulet and fountain, + Passing where the willows quiver + By the ever rolling river, + Swollen with the summer rain. + Threading long and leafy mazes, + Dotted with unnumbered daisies, + Scaling rough and rugged passes, + Climb the hearty lads and lasses, + Til the mountain-top they gain. + +FIRST VOICE. Fill the cup and tread the measure + Make the most of fleeting leisure. + Hail it as a true ally + Though it perish bye and bye. + +SECOND VOICE. Every moment brings a treasure + Of its own especial pleasure, + Though the moments quickly die, + Greet them gaily as they fly. + +THIRD VOICE. Far away from grief and care, + High up in the mountain air, + Let us live and reign alone, + In a world that's all our own. + +FOURTH VOICE. Here enthroned in the sky, + Far away from mortal eye, + We'll be gods and make decrees, + Those may honor them who please. + +CHO. Fill the cup and tread the measure...etc. + +[After Chorus and Couples enter, Thespis climbing over rocks] + +THES. Bless you, my people, bless you. Let the revels commence. +After all, for thorough, unconstrained unconventional enjoyment +give me a picnic. + +PREP. [very gloomily] Give him a picnic, somebody. + +THES. Be quiet, Preposteros. Don't interrupt. + +PREP. Ha. Ha. Shut up again. But no matter. + +[Stupidas endeavors, in pantomime, to reconcile him. Throughout +the scene Prep shows symptoms of breaking out into a furious +passion, and Stupidas does all he can to pacify and restrain +him.] + +THES. The best of a picnic is that everybody contributes what he +pleases, and nobody knows what anybody else has brought til the +last moment. Now, unpack everybody and let's see what there is +for everybody. + +NICE. I have brought you--a bottle of soda water--for the claret- +cup. + +DAPH. I have brought you--lettuce for the lobster salad. + +SPAR. A piece of ice--for the claret-cup. + +PRETT. A bottle of vinegar--for the lobster salad. + +CYMON. A bunch of burrage for the claret-cup. + +TIPS. A hard boiled egg--for the lobster salad. + +STUP. One lump of sugar for the claret-cup. + +PREP. He has brought one lump of sugar for the claret-cup? Ha. +Ha. Ha. [laughing melodramatically] + +STUP. Well, Preposteros, what have you brought? + +PREP. I have brought two lumps of the very best salt for the +lobster salad. + +THES. Oh--is that all? + +PREP. All. Ha. Ha. He asks if it is all. {Stup. consoles him] + +THES. But, I say--this is capital so far as it goes. Nothing +could be better, but it doesn't go far enough. The claret, for +instance. I don't insist on claret--or a lobster--I don't insist +on lobster, but a lobster salad without a lobster, why it isn't +lobster salad. Here, Tipseion. + +TIP. [a very drunken, bloated fellow, dressed, however, with +scrupulous accuracy and wearing a large medal around his neck] My +master. [Falls on his knees to Thes. and kisses his robe.] + +THES. Get up--don't be a fool. Where's the claret? We arranged +last week that you were to see to that. + +TIPS. True, dear master. But then I was a drunkard. + +THES. You were. + +TIPS. You engaged me to play convivial parts on the strength of +my personal appearance. + +THES. I did. + +TIPS. Then you found that my habits interfered with my duties as +low comedian. + +THES. True. + +TIPS. You said yesterday that unless I took the pledge you would +dismiss me from your company. + +THES. Quite so. + +TIPS. Good. I have taken it. It is all I have taken since +yesterday. My preserver. [embraces him] + +THES. Yes, but where's the wine? + +TIPS. I left it behind that I might not be tempted to violate my +pledge. + +PREP. Minion. [Attempts to get at him, is restrained by Stupidas] + +THES. Now, Preposteros, what is the matter with you? + +PREP. It is enough that I am down-trodden in my profession. I +will not submit to imposition out of it. It is enough that as +your heavy villain I get the worst of it every night in a combat +of six. I will not submit to insult in the day time. I have come +out. Ha. Ha. to enjoy myself. + +THES. But look here, you know--virtue only triumphs at night from +seven to ten--vice gets the best of it during the other twenty +one hours. Won't that satisfy you? [Stupidas endeavours to +pacify him.] + +PREP. [Irritated to Stupidas] Ye are odious to my sight. Get out +of it. + +STUP. [In great terror] What have I done? + +THES. Now what is it. Preposteros, what is it? + +PREP. I a -- hate him and would have his life. + +THES. [to Stup.] That's it--he hates you and would have your +life. Now go and be merry. + +STUP. Yes, but why does he hate me? + +THES. Oh--exactly. [to Prep.] Why do you hate him? + +PREP. Because he is a minion. + +THES. He hates you because you are a minion. It explains itself. +Now go and enjoy yourselves. Ha. Ha. It is well for those who can +laugh--let them do so--there is no extra charge. The light- +hearted cup and the convivial jest for them--but for me--what is +there for me? + +SILLI. There is some claret-cup and lobster salad [handing some] + +THES. [taking it] Thank you. [Resuming] What is there for me but +anxiety--ceaseless gnawing anxiety that tears at my very vitals +and rends my peace of mind asunder? There is nothing whatever +for me but anxiety of the nature I have just described. The +charge of these thoughtless revellers is my unhappy lot. It is +not a small charge, and it is rightly termed a lot because there +are many. Oh why did the gods make me a manager? + +SILL. [as guessing a riddle] Why did the gods make him a manager? + +SPAR. Why did the gods make him a manager. + +DAPH. Why did the gods make him a manager? + +PRETT. Why did the gods make him a manager? + +THES. No--no--what are you talking about? What do you mean? + +DAPH. I've got it--no don't tell us. + +ALL. No--no--because--because + +THES. [annoyed] It isn't a conundrum. It's misanthropical +question. + +DAPH. [Who is sitting with Spar. to the annoyance of Nice. who is +crying alone] I'm sure I don't know. We do not want you. Don't +distress yourself on our account--we are getting on very +comfortably--aren't we Sparkeion. + +SPAR. We are so happy that we don't miss the lobster or the +claret. What are lobster and claret compared with the society of +those we love? [embracing Daphne.] + +DAPH. Why, Nicemis, love, you are eating nothing. Aren't you +happy dear? + +NICE. [spitefully] You are quite welcome to my share of +everything. I intend to console myself with the society of my +manager. [takes Thespis' arm affectionately]. + +THES. Here I say--this won't do, you know--I can't allow it--at +least before my company--besides, you are half-married to +Sparkeion. Sparkeion, here's your half-wife impairing my +influence before my company. Don't you know the story of the +gentleman who undermined his influence by associating with his +inferiors? + +ALL. Yes, yes--we know it. + +PREP. [formally] I do not know it. It's ever thus. Doomed to +disappointment from my earliest years. [Stup. endeavours to +console him] + +THES. There--that's enough. Preposteros--you shall hear it. + +I once knew a chap who discharged a function +On the North South East West Diddlesex Junction. +He was conspicuous exceeding, +For his affable ways, and his easy breeding. +Although a chairman of directions, +He was hand in glove with the ticket inspectors. +He tipped the guards with brand new fivers, +And sang little songs to the engine drivers. +'Twas told to me with great compunction, +By one who had discharged with unction +A chairman of directors function +On the North South East West Diddlesex Junction. +Fol diddle, lol diddle, lol lol lay. + +Each Christmas day he gave each stoker +A silver shovel and a golden poker. +He'd button holw flowers for the ticket sorters +And rich Bath-buns for the outside porters. +He'd moun the clerks on his first-class hunters, +And he build little villas for the road-side shunters, +And if any were fond of pigeon shooting, +He'd ask them down to his place at Tooting. +Twas told to me....etc. + +In course of time there spread a rumour +That he did all this from a sense of humour. +So instead of signalling and stoking, +They gave themselves up to a course of joking. +Whenever they knew that he was riding, +They shunted his train on a lonely siding, +Or stopped all night in the middle of a tunnel, +On the plea that the boiler was a-coming through the funnel. +Twas told to me...etc. + +It he wished to go to Perth or Stirling, +His train through several counties whirling, +Would set him down in a fit of larking, +At four a.m. in the wilds of Barking. +This pleased his whim and seemed to strike it, +But the general public did not like it. +The receipts fell, after a few repeatings, +And he got it hot at the annual meetings. +Twas told to me...etc. + +He followed out his whim with vigour, +The shares went down to a nominal figure. +These are the sad results proceeding +From his affable ways and his easy breeding. +The line, with its rais and guards and peelers, +Was sold for a song to marine store dealers +The shareholders are all in the work'us, +And he sells pipe-lights in the Regent Circus. +Twas told to me...etc. + +It's very hard. As a man I am naturally of an easy disposition. +As a manager, I am compelled to hold myself aloof, that my +influence may not be deteriorated. As a man I am inclined to +fraternize with the pauper--as a manager I am compelled to walk +around like this: Don't know yah. Don't know yah. Don't know yah. + +[Strides haughtily about the stage. Jupiter, Mars, and Apollo, in +full Olympian costume appear on the three broken columns. +Thespians scream.] + +JUP, MARS, AP. Presumptuous mortal. + +THES. Don't know ya. Don't know yah. + +JUP, MARS, AP. [seated on broken pillars] Presumptuous mortal. + +THES. I do not know you. I do not know you. + +JUP, MARS, AP. Presumptuous mortal. + +THES. Remove this person. + +[Stup and Prep seize Ap and Mars] + +JUP. Stop, you evidently don't know me. Allow me to offer you my +card. [Throws flash paper] + +THES. Ah yes, it's very pretty, but we don't want any at present. +When we do our Christmas piece, I'll let you know. [Changing his +manner] Look here, you know this is a private party and we +haven't the pleasure of your acquaintance. There are a good many +other mountains about, if you must have a mountain all to +yourself. Don't make me let myself down before my company. +[Resuming] Don't know yah, Don't know yah. + +JUP. I am Jupiter, the king of the gods. This is Apollo. This is +Mars. [All kneel to them except Thespis] + +THES. Oh. Then as I'm a respectable man, and rather particular +about the company I keep, I think I'll go. + +JUP. No--no--stop a bit. We want to consult you on a matter of +great importance. There. Now we are alone. Who are you? + +THES. I am Thespis of the Thessalian Theatres. + +JUP. The very man we want. Now as a judge of what the public +likes are you impressed with my appearance as father of the gods? + +THES. Well to be candid with you, I am not. In fact I'm +disappointed. + +JUP. Disappointed? + +THES. Yes, you see you're so much out of repair. No, you don't +come up to my idea of the part. Bless you, I've played you often. + +JUP. You have. + +THES. To be sure I have. + +JUP. And how have you dressed the part. + +THES. Fine commanding party in the prime of life. Thunderbolt-- +full beard--dignified manner--a good eal of this sort of thin +"Don't know ya. Don't know yah. Don't know yah. + +JUP. [much affected] I--I'm very much obliged to you. It's very +good of you. I--I--I used to be like that. I can't tell you how +much I feel it. And do you find I'm an impressive character to +play? + +THES. Well no, I can't say you are. In fact we don't you you +much out of burlesque. + +JUP. Burlesque! + +THES. Yes, it's a painful subject, drop it, drop it. The fact +is, you are not the gods you were--you're behind your age. + +JUP. Well, but what are we to do? We feel that we ought to do +something, but we don't know what. + +THES. Why don't you all go down to earth, incog, mingle with the +world, hear and see what people think of you, and judge for +yourselves as to the best means to take to restore your +influence? + +JUP. Ah, but what's to become of Olympus in the meantime? + +THES. Lor' bless you, don't distress yourself about that. I've a +very good company, used to take long parts on the shortest +notice. Invest us with your powers and we'll fill your places +till you return. + +JUP. [aside] The offer is tempting. But suppose you fail? + +THES. Fail. Oh, we never fail in our profession. We've nothing +but great successes. + +JUP. Then it's a bargain. + +THES. It's a bargain. [they shake hands on it] + +JUP. And that you may not be entirely without assistance, we will +leave you Mercury and whenever you find yourself in a difficulty +you can consult him. [enter Mercury] + +JUP. So that's arranged--you take my place, my boy, + While we make trial of a new existence. + At length I will be able to enjoy + The pleasures I have envied from a distance. + +MER. Compelled upon Olympus here to stop, + While the other gods go down to play the hero. + Don't be surprised if on this mountain top + You find your Mercury is down at zero. + +AP. To earth away to join in mortal acts. + And gather fresh materials to write on. + Investigate more closely, several facts, + That I for centuries have thrown some light on. + +DIA. I, as the modest moon with crescent bow. + Have always shown a light to nightly scandal, + I must say I'd like to go below, + And find out if the game is worth the candle. + +[enter all thespians, summoned by Mercury] + +MER. Here come your people. + +THES. People better now. + +THES. While mighty Jove goes down below + With all the other deities. + I fill his place and wear his "clo," + The very part for me it is. + To mother earth to make a track, + They are all spurred and booted, too. + And you will fill, till they come back, + The parts you best are suited to. + +CHO. Here's a pretty tale for future Iliads and Odysseys + Mortals are about to personate the gods and goddesses. + Now to set the world in order, we will work in unity. + Jupiter's perplexity is Thespis's opportunity. + +SPAR. Phoebus am I, with golden ray, + The god of day, the god of day. + When shadowy night has held her sway, + I make the goddesses fly. + Tis mine the task to wake the world, + In slumber curled, in slumber curled. + By me her charms are all unfurled + The god of day am I. + +CHO. The god of day, the god of day, + The park shall our Sparkeion play, + Ha Ha, etc. + The rarest fun and rarest fare + That ever fell to mortal share + Ha ha etc. + +NICE. I am the moon, the lamp of night. + I show a light -- I show a light. + With radiant sheen I put to flight + The shadows of the sky. + By my fair rays, as you're aware, + Gay lovers swear--gay lovers swear, + While greybeards sleep away their care, + The lamp of night am I. + +CHO. The lamp of night-the lamp of night. + Nicemis plays, to her delight. + Ha Ha Ha Ha. + The rarest fun and rarest fare, + That ever fell to mortal share, + Ha Ha Ha Ha + +TIM. Mighty old Mars, the god of war, + I'm destined for--I'm destined for. + A terribly famous conqueror, + With sword upon his thigh. + When armies meet with eager shout + And warlike rout, and warlike rout, + You'll find me there without a doubt. + The God of War am I. + +CHO. The god of war, the god of war + Great Timidon is destined for. + Ha Ha Ha Ha + The rest fun and rarest fare + That ever fell to mortal share + Ha Ha Ha Ha + +DAPH. When, as the fruit of warlike deeds, + The soldier bleed, the soldier bleeds, + Calliope crowns heroic deeds, + With immortality. + From mere oblivion I reclaim + The soldier's name, the soldier's name + And write it on the roll of fame, + The muse of fame am I. + +CHO. The muse of fame, the muse of fame. + Callipe is Daphne's name. + Ha Ha Ha Ha + The rarest fun and rarest fare, + That ever fell to mortal share. + Ha Ha Ha Ha. + +TUTTI. Here's a pretty tale. + +[Enter procession of old Gods, they come down very much +astonished at all they see, then passing by, ascent the platform +that leads to the descent at the back.] + +GODS. We will go, + Down below, + Revels rare, + We will share. + Ha Ha Ha + With a gay + Holiday + All unknown, + And alone + Ha Ha Ha. + +TUTTI. Here's a pretty tale. + +[The gods, including those who have lately entered in procession +group themselves on rising ground at back. The Thespians kneeling +bid them farewell.] + + ACT II + +SCENE-the same scene as in Act I with the exception that in place +of the ruins that filled the foreground of the stage, the +interior of a magnificent temple is seen showing the background +of the scene of Act I, through the columns of the portico at the +back. High throne. L.U.E. Low seats below it. All the substitute +gods and goddesses [that is to say, Thespians] are discovered +grouped in picturesque attitudes about the stage, eating and +drinking, and smoking and singing the following verses. + +CHO. Of all symposia + The best by half + Upon Olympus, here await us. + We eat ambrosia. + And nectar quaff, + It cheers but don't inebriate us. + We know the fallacies, + Of human food + So please to pass Olympian rosy, + We built up palaces, + Where ruins stood, + And find them much more snug and cosy. + +SILL. To work and think, my dear, + Up here would be, + The height of conscientious folly. + So eat and drink, my dear, + I like to see, + Young people gay--young people jolly. + Olympian food my love, + I'll lay long odds, + Will please your lips--those rosy portals, + What is the good, my love + Of being gods, + If we must work like common mortals? + +CHO. Of all symposia...etc. + +[Exeunt all but Nicemis, who is dressed as Diana and Pretteia, +who is dressed as Venus. They take Sillimon's arm and bring him +down] + +SILL. Bless their little hearts, I can refuse them nothing. As +the Olympian stage-manager I ought to be strict with them and +make them do their duty, but i can't. Bless their little hearts, +when I see the pretty little craft come sailing up to me with a +wheedling smile on their pretty little figure-heads, I can't turn +my back on 'em. I'm all bow, though I'm sure I try to be stern. + +PRET. You certainly are a dear old thing. + +SILL. She says I'm a dear old thing. Deputy Venus says I'm a +dear old thing. + +NICE. It's her affectionate habit to describe everybody in those +terms. I am more particular, but still even I am bound to admit +that you are certainly a very dear old thing. + +SILL. Deputy Venus says I'm a dear old thing, and Deputy Diana +who is much more particular, endorses it. Who could be severe +with such deputy divinities. + +PRET. Do you know, I'm going to ask you a favour. + +SILL. Venus is going to ask me a favour. + +PRET. You see, I am Venus. + +SILL. No one who saw your face would doubt it. + +NICE. [aside] No one who knew her character would. + +PRET. Well Venus, you know, is married to Mars. + +SILL. To Vulcan, my dear, to Vulcan. The exact connubial relation +of the different gods and goddesses is a point on which we must +be extremely particular. + +PRET. I beg your pardon--Venus is married to Mars. + +NICE. If she isn't married to Mars, she ought to be. + +SILL. Then that decides it--call it married to Mars. + +PRET. Married to Vulcan or married to Mars, what does it signify? + +SILL. My dear, it's a matter on which I have no personal feeling +whatever. + +PRET. So that she is married to someone. + +SILL. Exactly. So that she is married to someone. Call it married +to Mars. + +PRET. Now here's my difficulty. Presumptios takes the place of +Mars, and Presumptios is my father. + +SILL. Then why object to Vulcan? + +PRET. Because Vulcan is my grandfather. + +SILL. But, my dear, what an objection. You are playing a part +till the real gods return. That's all. Whether you are supposed +to be married to your father--or your grandfather, what does it +matter? This passion for realism is the curse of the stage. + +PRET. That's all very well, but I can't throw myself into a part +that has already lasted a twelvemonth, when I have to make love +to my father. It interferes with my conception of the +characters. It spoils the part. + +SILL. Well, well. I'll see what can be done. [Exit Pretteia, +L.U.E.) That's always the way with beginners, they've no +imaginative power. A true artist ought to be superior to such +considerations. [Nicemis comes down R.] Well, Nicemis, I should +say, Diana, what's wrong with you? Don't you like your part? + +NICE. Oh, immensely. It's great fun. + +SILL. Don't you find it lonely out by yourself all night? + +NICE. Oh, but I'm not alone all night. + +SILL. But, I don't want to ask any injudicious questions, but who +accompanies you? + +NICE. Who? Why Sparkeion, of course. + +SILL. Sparkeion? Well, but Sparkeion is Phoebus Apollo [enter +Sparkeion] He's the sun, you know. + +NICE. Of course he is. I should catch my death of cold, in the +night air, if he didn't accompany me. + +SPAR. My dear Sillimon, it would never do for a young lady to be +out alone all night. It wouldn't be respectable. + +SILL. There's a good deal of truth in that. But still--the sun-- +at night--I don't like the idea. The original Diana always went +out alone. + +NICE. I hope the original Diana is no rule for me. After all, +what does it matter? + +SILL. To be sure--what does it matter? + +SPAR. The sun at night, or in the daytime. + +SILL. So that he shines. That's all that's necessary. [Exit +Nicemis, R.U.E.] But poor Daphne, what will she say to this. + +SPAR. Oh, Daphne can console herself; young ladies soon get over +this sort of thing. Did you never hear of the young lady who was +engaged to Cousin Robin? + +SILL. Never. + +SPAR. Then I'll sing it to you. + + Little maid of Arcadee + Sat on Cousin Robin's knee, + Thought in form and face and limb, + Nobody could rival him. + He was brave and she was fair, + Truth they made a pretty paid. + Happy little maiden she-- + Happy maid of Arcadee. + + Moments fled as moments will + Happily enough, until + After, say, a month or two, + Robin did as Robins do. + Weary of his lover's play, + Jilted her and went away, + Wretched little maiden, she-- + Wretched maid of Arcadee. + + To her little home she crept, + There she sat her down and wept, + Maiden wept as maidens will-- + Grew so thin and pale--until + Cousin Richard came to woo. + Then again the roses grew. + Happy little maiden she-- + Happy maid of Arcadee. [Exit Sparkeion] + +SILL. Well Mercury, my boy, you've had a year's experience of us +here. How do we do it? I think we're rather an improvement on the +original gods--don't you? + +MER. Well, you see, there's a good deal to be said on both sides +of the question; you are certainly younger than the original +gods, and, therefore, more active. On the other hand, they are +certainly older than you, and have, therefore, more experience. +On the whole I prefer you, because your mistakes amuse me. + +Olympus is now in a terrible muddle, +The deputy deities all are at fault +They splutter and splash like a pig in a puddle +And dickens a one of 'em's earning his salt. +For Thespis as Jove is a terrible blunder, +Too nervous and timid--too easy and weak-- +Whenever he's called on to lighten or thunder, +The thought of it keeps him awake for a week. + +Then mighty Mars hasn't the pluck of a parrot. +When left in the dark he will quiver and quail; +And Vulcan has arms that would snap like a carrot, +Before he could drive in a tenpenny nail. +Then Venus's freckles are very repelling, +And Venus should not have a quint in her eyes; +The learned Minerva is weak in her spelling, +And scatters her h's all over the skies. + +Then Pluto in kindhearted tenderness erring, +Can't make up his mind to let anyone die-- +The Times has a paragraph ever recurring, +"Remarkable incidence of longevity." +On some it has some as a serious onus, +to others it's quite an advantage--in short, +While ev're life office declares a big bonus, +The poor undertakers are all in the court. + +Then Cupid, the rascal, forgetting his trade is +To make men and women impartially smart, +Will only shoot at pretty young ladies, +And never takes aim at a bachelor's heart. +The results of this freak--or whatever you term it-- +Should cover the wicked young scamp with disgrace, +While ev'ry young man is as shy as a hermit, +Young ladies are popping all over the place. + +This wouldn't much matter--for bashful and shymen, +When skillfully handled are certain to fall, +But, alas, that determined young bachelor Hymen +Refuses to wed anybody at all. +He swears that Love's flame is the vilest of arsons, +And looks upon marriage as quite a mistake; +Now what in the world's to become of the parsons, +And what of the artist who sugars the cake? + +In short, you will see from the facts that I'm showing, +The state of the case is exceedingly sad; +If Thespis's people go on as they're going, +Olympus will certainly go to the bad. +From Jupiter downward there isn't a dab in it, +All of 'em quibble and shuffle and shirk, +A premier in Downing Street forming a cabinet, +Couldn't find people less fit for their work. + +[enter Thespis L.U.E.] + +THES. Sillimon, you can retire. + +SILL. Sir, I-- + +THES. Don't pretend you can't when I say you can. I've seen you +do it--go. [exit Sillimon bowing extravagantly. Thespis imitates +him]Well, Mercury, I've been in power one year today. + +MER. One year today. How do you like ruling the world? + +THES. Like it. Why it's as straightforward as possible. Why +there hasn't been a hitch of any kind since we came up here. Lor' +the airs you gods and goddesses give yourselves are perfectly +sickening. Why it's mere child's play. + +MER. Very simple isn't it? + +THES. Simple? Why I could do it on my head. + +MER. Ah--I darsay you will do it on your head very soon. + +THES. What do you mean by that, Mercury? + +MER. I mean that when you've turned the world quite topsy-turvy +you won't know whether you're standing on your head or your +heels. + +THES. Well, but Mercury, it's all right at present. + +MER. Oh yes--as far as we know. + +THES. Well, but, you know, we know as much as anybody knows; you +know I believe the world's still going on. + +MER. Yes--as far as we can judge--much as usual. + +THES. Well, the, give the Father of the Drama his due Mercury. +Don't be envious of the Father of the Drama. + +MER. But you see you leave so much to accident. + +THES. Well, Mercury, if I do, it's my principle. I am an easy +man, and I like to make things as pleasant as possible. What did +I do the day we took office? Why I called the company together +and I said to them: "Here we are, you know, gods and goddesses, +no mistake about it, the real thing. Well, we have certain duties +to discharge, let's discharge them intelligently. Don't let us be +hampered by routine and red tape and precedent, let's set the +original gods an example, and put a liberal interpretation on our +duties. If it occurs to any one to try an experiment in his own +department, let him try it, if he fails there's no harm done, if +he succeeds it is a distinct gain to society. Don't hurry your +work, do it slowly and well." And here we are after a twelvemonth +and not a single complaint or a single petition has reached me. + +MER. No, not yet. + +THES. What do you mean by "no,not yet?" + +MER. Well, you see, you don't understand things. All the +petitions that are addressed by men to Jupiter pass through my +hands, and its my duty to collect them and present them once a +year. + +THES. Oh, only once a year? + +MER. Only once a year-- + +THES. And the year is up? + +MER. Today. + +THES. Oh, then I suppose there are some complaints? + +MER. Yes, there are some. + +THES. [Disturbed] Oh, perhaps there are a good many? + +MER. There are a good many. + +THES. Oh, perhaps there are a thundering lot? + +MER. There are a thundering lot. + +THES. [very much disturbed] Oh. + +MER. You see you've been taking it so very easy--and so have most +of your company. + +THES. Oh, who has been taking it easy? + +MER. Well, all except those who have been trying experiments. + +THES. Well but I suppose the experiment are ingenious? + +MER. Yes; they are ingenious, but on the whole ill-judged. But +it's time go and summon your court. + +THES. What for. + +MER. To hear the complaints. In five minutes they will be here. +[Exit] + +THES. [very uneasy] I don't know how it is, but there is +something in that young man's manner that suggests that the +father of the gods has been taking it too easy. Perhaps it would +have been better if I hadn't given my company so much scope. I +wonder what they've been doing. I think I will curtail their +discretion, though none of them appear to have much of the +article. It seems a pity to deprive 'em of what little they +have. + +[Enter Daphne, weeping] + +THES. Now then, Daphne, what's the matter with you? + +DAPH. Well, you know how disgracefully Sparkeion-- + +THES. [correcting her] Apollo-- + +DAPH. Apollo, then--has treated me. He promised to marry me years +ago and now he's married to Nicemis. + +THES. Now look here. I can't go into that. You're in Olympus now +and must behave accordingly. Drop your Daphne--assume your +Calliope. + +DAPH. Quite so. That's it. [mysteriously] + +THES. Oh--that is it? [puzzled] + +DAPH. That is it. Thespis. I am Calliope, the muse of fame. +Very good. This morning I was in the Olympian library and I took +down the only book there. Here it is. + +THES. [taking it] Lempriere's Classical Dictionary. The Olympian +Peerage. + +DAPH. Open it at Apollo. + +THES. [opens it] It is done. + +DAPH. Read. + +THES. "Apollo was several times married, among others to Issa, +Bolina, Coronis, Chymene, Cyrene, Chione, Acacallis, and +Calliope." + +DAPH. And Calliope. + +THES. [musing] Ha. I didn't know he was married to them. + +DAPH. [severely] Sir. This is the family edition. + +THES. Quite so. + +DAPH. You couldn't expect a lady to read any other? + +THES. On no consideration. But in the original version-- + +DAPH. I go by the family edition. + +THES. Then by the family edition, Apollo is your husband. + +[Enter Nicemis and Sparkeion] + +NICE. Apollo your husband? He is my husband. + +DAPH. I beg your pardon. He is my husband. + +NICE. Apollo is Sparkeion, and he's married to me. + +DAPH. Sparkeion is Apollo, and he's married to me. + +NICE. He is my husband. + +DAPH. He's your brother. + +THES. Look here, Apollo, whose husband are you? Don't let's have +any row about it; whose husband are you? + +SPAR. Upon my honor I don't know. I'm in a very delicate +position, but I'll fall in with any arrangement Thespis may +propose. + +DAPH. I've just found out that he's my husband and yet he goes +out every evening with that "thing." + +THES. Perhaps he's trying an experiment. + +DAPH. I don't like my husband to make such experiments. The +question is, who are we all and what is our relation to each +other. + +SPAR. You're Diana. I'm Apollo + And Calliope is she. + +DAPH. He's your brother. + +NICE. You're another. He has fairly married me. + +DAPH. By the rules of this fair spot + I'm his wife and you are not. + +SPAR & DAPH. By the rules of this fair spot + I'm/she's his wife and you are not. + +NICE. By this golden wedding ring, + I'm his wife, and you're a "thing." + +DAPH, NICE, SPAR. By this golden wedding ring, + I'm/She's his wife and you're a "thing." + +ALL. Please will someone kindly tell us. + Who are our respective kin? + All of us/them are very jealous + Neither of us/them will give in. + +NICE. He's my husband, I declare, + I espoused him properlee. + +SPAR. That is true, for I was there, + And I saw her marry me. + +DAPH. He's your brother--I'm his wife. + If we go by Lempriere. + +SPAR. So she is, upon my life. + Really, that seems very fair. + +NICE. You're my husband and no other. + +SPAR. That is true enough I swear. + +DAPH. I'm his wife, and you're his brother. + +SPAR. If we go by Lempriere. + +NICE. It will surely be unfair, + To decide by Lempriere. [crying] + +DAPH. It will surely be quite fair, + To decide by Lempriere. + +SPAR & THES How you settle it I don't care, + Leave it all to Lempriere. + [Spoken] The Verdict + As Sparkeion is Apollo, + Up in this Olympian clime, + Why, Nicemis, it will follow, + He's her husband, for the time. [indicating Daphne] + + When Sparkeion turns to mortal + Join once more the sons of men. + He may take you to his portal [indicating Nicemis] + He will be your husband then. + That oh that is my decision, + 'Cording to my mental vision, + Put an end to all collision, + My decision, my decision. + +ALL. That oh that is his decision. etc. + +[Exeunt Thes, Nice., Spar and Daphne, Spar. with Daphne, Nicemis +weeping with Thespis. mysterious music. Enter Jupiter, Apollo +and Mars from below, at the back of stage. All wear cloaks, as +disguise and all are masked] + +JUP., AP., MARS. Oh rage and fury, Oh shame and sorrow. + We'll be resuming our ranks tomorrow. + Since from Olympus we have departed, + We've been distracted and brokenhearted, + Oh wicked Thespis. Oh villain scurvy. + Through him Olympus is topsy turvy. + Compelled to silence to grin and bear it. + He's caused our sorrow, and he shall share it. + Where is the monster. Avenge his blunders. + He has awakened Olympian thunders. + +[Enter Mercury] + +JUP. Oh monster. + +AP. Oh monster. + +MARS. Oh monster. + +MER. [in great terror] Please sir, what have I done, sir? + +JUP. What did we leave you behind for? + +MER. Please sir, that's the question I asked for when you went +away. + +JUP. Was it not that Thespis might consult you whenever he was in +a difficulty? + +MER. Well, here I've been ready to be consulted, chockful of +reliable information--running over with celestial maxims--advice +gratis ten to four--after twelve ring the night bell in cases of +emergency. + +JUP. And hasn't he consulted you? + +MER. Not he--he disagrees with me about everything. + +JUP. He must have misunderstood me. I told him to consult you +whenever he was in a fix. + +MER. He must have though you said in-sult. Why whenever I opened +my mouth he jumps down my throat. It isn't pleasant to have a +fellow constantly jumping down your throat--especially when he +always disagrees with you. It's just the sort of thing I can't +digest. + +JUP. [in a rage] Send him here. I'll talk to him. + +[enter Thespis. He is much terrified] + +JUP. Oh monster. + +AP. Oh monster. + +MARS. Oh monster. + +[Thespis sings in great terror, which he endeavours to conceal] + +JUP. Well sir, the year is up today. + +AP. And a nice mess you've made of it. + +MARS. You've deranged the whole scheme of society. + +THES. [aside] There's going to be a row. [aloud and very +familiarly]My dear boy, I do assure you-- + +JUP. Be respectful. + +AP. Be respectful. + +MARS. Be respectful. + +THES. I don't know what you allude to. With the exception of +getting our scene painter to "run up" this temple, because we +found the ruins draughty, we haven't touched a thing. + +JUP. Oh story teller. + +AP. Oh story teller. + +MARS. Oh story teller. + +[Enter thespians] + +THES. My dear fellows, you're distressing yourselves +unnecessarily. The court of Olympus is about to assemble to +listen to the complaints of the year, if any. But there are +none, or next to none. Let the Olympians assemble. [Thespis +takes chair. JUP., AP., and MARS sit below him. + +Ladies and gentlemen, it seems that it is usual for the gods to +assemble once a year to listen to mortal petitions. It doesn't +seem to me to be a good plan, as work is liable to accumulate; +but as I am particularly anxious not to interfere with Olympian +precedent, but to allow everything to go on as it has always been +accustomed to go--why, we'll say no more about it. [aside] But +how shall I account for your presence? + +JUP. Say we are the gentlemen of the press. + +THES. That all our proceedings may be perfectly open and above- +board I have communicated with the most influential members of +the Athenian press, and I beg to introduce to your notice three +of its most distinguished members. They bear marks emblematic of +the anonymous character of modern journalism. [Business of +introduction. Thespis is very uneasy] Now then, if you're all +ready we will begin. + +MER. [brings tremendous bundle of petitions] Here is the agenda. + +THES. What's that? The petitions? + +MER. Some of them. [opens one and reads] Ah, I thought there'd be +a row about it. + +THES. Why, what's wrong now? + +MER. Why, it's been a foggy Friday in November for the last six +months and the Athenians are tired of it. + +THES. There's no pleasing some people. This craving for perpetual +change is the curse of the country. Friday's a very nice day. + +MER. So it is, but a Friday six months long.--it gets monotonous. + +JUP, AP, MARS. [rising] It's perfectly ridiculous. + +THES. [calling them] Cymon. + +CYM. [as time with the usual attributes] Sir. + +THES. [Introducing him to the three gods] Allow me--Father Time-- +rather young at present but even time must have a beginning. In +course of time, time will grow older. Now then, Father Time, +what's this about a wet Friday in November for the last six +months. + +CYM. Well, the fact is, I've been trying an experiment. Seven +days in the week is an awkward number. It can't be halved. Two;'s +into seven won't go. + +THES. [tries it on his fingers] Quite so--quite so. + +CYM. So I abolished Saturday. + +JUP, AP, MARS. Oh but. [Rising] + +THES. Do be quiet. He's a very intelligent young man and knows +what he is about. So you abolished Saturday. And how did you find +it answer? + +CYM. Admirably. + +THES. You hear? He found it answer admirably. + +CYM. Yes, only Sunday refused to take its place. + +THES. Sunday refused to take its place? + +CYM. Sunday comes after Saturday--Sunday won't go on duty after +Friday. Sunday's principles are very strict. That's where my +experiment sticks. + +THES. Well, but why November? Come, why November? + +CYM. December can't begin until November has finished. November +can't finish because he's abolished Saturday. There again my +experiment sticks. + +THES. Well, but why wet? Come now, why wet? + +CYM. Ah, that is your fault. You turned on the rain six months +ago and you forgot to turn it off again. + +JUP., AP., MARS. [rising] On this is monstrous. + +ALL. Order. Order. + +THES. Gentlemen, pray be seated. [to the others] The liberty of +the press, one can't help it. [to the three gods] It is easily +settled. Athens has had a wet Friday in November for the last six +months. Let them have a blazing Tuesday in July for the next +twelve. + +JUP., AP., MARS. But-- + +ALL. Order. Order. + +THES. Now then, the next article. + +MER. Here's a petition from the Peace Society. They complain +because there are no more battles. + +MARS. [springing up] What. + +THES. Quiet there. Good dog--soho; Timidon. + +TIM. [as Mars] Here. + +THES. What's this about there being no battles? + +TIM. I've abolished battles; it's an experiment. + +MARS. [spring up] Oh come, I say-- + +THES. Quiet then. [to Tim] Abolished battles? + +TIM. Yes, you told us on taking office to remember two things. To +try experiments and to take it easy. I found I couldn't take it +easy while there are any battles to attend to, so I tried the +experiment and abolished battles. And then I took it easy. The +Peace Society ought to be very much obliged to me. + +THES. Obliged to you. Why, confound it. Since battles have been +abolished, war is universal. + +TIM. War is universal? + +THES. To b sure it is. Now that nations can't fight, no two of +'em are on speaking terms. The dread of fighting was the only +thing that kept them civil to each other. Let battles be +restored and peace reign supreme. + +MER. Here's a petition from the associated wine merchants of +Mytilene? Are there no grapes this year? + +THES. Well, what's wrong with the associated wine merchants of +Mytilene? Are there no grapes this year? + +THES. Plenty of grapes. More than usual. + +THES. [to the gods] You observe, there is no deception. There are +more than usual. + +MER. There are plenty of grapes, only they are full of ginger +beer. + +THREE GODS. Oh, come I say [rising they are put down by Thespis.] + +THES. Eh? what [much alarmed] Bacchus. + +TIPS. [as Bacchus] Here. + +THES. There seems to be something unusual with the grapes of +Mytilene. They only grow ginger beer. + +TIPS. And a very good thing too. + +THES. It's very nice in its way but it is not what one looks for +from grapes. + +TIPS. Beloved master, a week before we came up here, you insisted +on my taking the pledge. By so doing you rescued me from my +otherwise inevitable misery. I cannot express my thanks. Embrace +me. [attempts to embrace him.] + +THES. Get out, don't be a fool. Look here, you know you're the +god of wine. + +TIPS. I am. + +THES. [very angry] Well, do you consider it consistent with your +duty as the god of wine to make the grapes yield nothing but +ginger beer? + +TIPS. Do you consider it consistent with my duty as a total +abstainer to grow anything stronger than ginger beer? + +THES. But your duty as the god of wine-- + +TIPS. In every respect in which my duty as the god of wine can be +discharged consistently with my duty as a total abstainer, I will +discharge it. But when the functions clash, everything must give +way to the pledge. My preserver. [Attempts to embrace him] + +THES. Don't be a confounded fool. This can be arranged. We can't +give over the wine this year, but at least we can improve the +ginger beer. Let all the ginger beer be extracted from it +immediately. + +THREE GODS. We can't stand this, + We can't stand this. + It's much too strong. + We can't stand this. + It would be wrong. + Extremely wrong. + If we stood this. + + If we stand this + If we stand this + We can't stand this. + +DAPH, SPAR, NICE. Great Jove, this interference. + Is more than we can stand; + Of them make a clearance, + With your majestic hand. + +JOVE. This cool audacity, it beats us hollow. + I'm Jupiter. + +MARS. I'm Mars. + +AP. I'm Apollo. + +[Enter Diana and all the other gods and goddesses. + +ALL. [kneeling with their foreheads on the ground] + + Jupiter, Mars, and Apollo + Have quitted the dwellings of men; + The other gods quickly will follow. + And what will become of us then. + Oh pardon us, Jove and Apollo, + Pardon us, Jupiter, Mars: + Oh see us in misery wallow. + Cursing our terrible stars. + +[enter other gods.] + +ALL THESPIANS: Let us remain, we beg of you pleadingly. + +THREE GODS: Let them remain, they beg of us pleadingly. + +THES. Life on Olympus suits us exceedingly. + +GODS. Life on Olympus suits them exceedingly. + +THES. Let us remain, we pray in humility. + +GODS. Let 'em remain, they pray in humility. + +THES. If we have shown some little ability. + +GODS. If they have shown some little ability. + Let us remain, etc... + +JUP. Enough, your reign is ended. + Upon this sacred hill. + Let him be apprehended + And learn out awful will. + Away to earth, contemptible comedians, + And hear our curse, before we set you free' + You shall be all be eminent tragedians, + Whom no one ever goes to see. + +ALL. We go to earth, contemptible tragedians, + We hear his curse, before he sets us free, + We shall all be eminent tragedians, + Whom no one ever, ever goes to see. + +SILL, SPAR, THES. Whom no one + Ever goes to see. + +[The thespians are driven away by the gods, who group themselves +in attitudes of triumph.] + +THES. Now, here you see the arrant folly + Of doing your best to make things jolly. + I've ruled the world like a chap in his senses, + Observe the terrible consequences. + Great Jupiter, whom nothing pleases, + Splutters and swears, and kicks up breezes, + And sends us home in a mood avengin' + In double quick time, like a railroad engine. + And this he does without compunction, + Because I have discharged with unction + A highly complicated function + Complying with his own injunction, + Fol, lol, lay + +CHO. All this he does....etc. + +[The gods drive the thespians away. The thespians prepare to +descent the mountain as the curtain falls. + + CURTAIN + + TRIAL BY JURY + + Libretto by W. S. Gilbert + Music by Sir Arthur Sullivan + + + + + DRAMATIS PERSONAE + +THE LEARNED JUDGE +THE PLAINTIFF +THE DEFENDANT +COUNSEL FOR THE PLAINTIFF +USHER +FOREMAN OF THE JURY +ASSOCIATE +FIRST BRIDESMAID + + + First produced at the Royalty Theatre, London, March 25, 1875 + + +SCENE - A Court of Justice, Barristers, Attorney, and Jurymen + discovered. + + CHORUS + + Hark, the hour of ten is sounding: + Hearts with anxious fears are bounding, + Hall of Justice, crowds surrounding, + Breathing hope and fear-- + For to-day in this arena, + Summoned by a stern subpoena, + Edwin, sued by Angelina, + Shortly will appear. + +Enter Usher + + SOLO - USHER + + Now, Jurymen, hear my advice-- + All kinds of vulgar prejudice + I pray you set aside: + With stern, judicial frame of mind + From bias free of every kind, + This trial must be tried. + + CHORUS + + From bias free of every kind, + This trial must be tried. + +[During Chorus, Usher sings fortissimo, "Silence in Court!"] + +USHER Oh, listen to the plaintiff's case: + Observe the features of her face-- + The broken-hearted bride. + Condole with her distress of mind: + From bias free of every kind, + This trial must be tried! + +CHORUS From bias free, etc. + +USHER And when, amid the plaintiff's shrieks, + The ruffianly defendant speaks-- + Upon the other side; + What he may say you needn't mind--- + From bias free of every kind, + This trial must be tried! + +CHORUS From bias free, etc. + +Enter Defendant + + RECIT -- DEFENDANT + + Is this the court of the Exchequer? +ALL. It is! +DEFENDANT (aside) Be firm, be firm, my pecker, + Your evil star's in the ascendant! +ALL. Who are you? +DEFENDANT. I'm the Defendant. + + CHORUS OF JURYMEN (shaking their fists) + + Monster, dread our damages. + We're the jury! + Dread our fury! + +DEFENDANT Hear me, hear me, if you please, + These are very strange proceedings-- + For permit me to remark + On the merits of my pleadings, + You're at present in the dark. + +[Defendant beckons to Jurymen--they leave the box and gather around + him as they sing the following: + + That's a very true remark-- + On the merits of his pleadings + We're at present in the dark! + Ha! ha!--ha! ha! + + SONG -- DEFENDANT + + When first my old, old love I knew, + My bosom welled with joy; + My riches at her feet I threw-- + I was a love-sick boy! + No terms seemed too extravagant + Upon her to employ-- + I used to mope, and sigh, and pant, + Just like a love-sick boy! + Tink-a-tank! Tink-a-tank! + + But joy incessant palls the sense; + And love, unchanged, will cloy, + And she became a bore intense + Unto her love-sick boy! + With fitful glimmer burnt my flame, + And I grew cold and coy, + At last, one morning, I became + Another's love-sick boy. + Tink-a-tank! Tink-a-tank! + + CHORUS OF JURYMEN (advancing stealthily) + + Oh, I was like that when a lad! + A shocking young scamp of a rover, + I behaved like a regular cad; + But that sort of thing is all over. + I'm now a respectable chap + And shine with a virtue resplendent + And, therefore, I haven't a scrap + Of sympathy with the defendant! + He shall treat us with awe, + If there isn't a flaw, + Singing so merrily--Trial-la-law! + Trial-la-law! Trial-la-law! + Singing so merrily--Trial-la-law! + + [They enter the Jury-box. + + RECIT--USHER (on Bench) + + Silence in Court, and all attention lend. + Behold your Judge! In due submission bend! + +Enter Judge on Bench + + CHORUS + + All hail, great Judge! + To your bright rays + We never grudge + Ecstatic praise. + All hail! + + May each decree + As statute rank + And never be + Reversed in banc. + All hail! + + + RECIT--JUDGE + + For these kind words, accept my thanks, I pray. + A Breach of Promise we've to try to-day. + But firstly, if the time you'll not begrudge, + I'll tell you how I came to be a Judge. + +ALL. He'll tell us how he came to be a Judge! +JUDGE. I'll tell you how... +ALL. He'll tell us how... +JUDGE. I'll tell you how... +ALL. He'll tell us how... +JUDGE Let me speak...! +ALL. Let him speak! +JUDGE. Let me speak! +ALL. (in a whisper). Let him speak! + He'll tell us how he came to be a Judge! +USHER. Silence in Court! Silence in Court! + + SONG--JUDGE + + When I, good friends, was called to the bar, + I'd an appetite fresh and hearty. + But I was, as many young barristers are, + An impecunious party. + + I'd a swallow-tail coat of a beautiful blue-- + And a brief which I bought of a booby-- + A couple of shirts, and a collar or two, + And a ring that looked like a ruby! + +CHORUS. A couple of shirts, etc. + +JUDGE. At Westminster Hall I danced a dance, + Like a semi-despondent fury; + For I thought I never should hit on a chance + Of addressing a British Jury-- + But I soon got tired of third-class journeys, + And dinners of bread and water; + So I fell in love with a rich attorney's + Elderly, ugly daughter. + +CHORUS. So he fell in love, etc. + +JUDGE. The rich attorney, he jumped with joy, + And replied to my fond professions: + "You shall reap the reward of your pluck, my boy, + At the Bailey and Middlesex sessions. + You'll soon get used to her looks," said he, + "And a very nice girl you will find her! + She may very well pass for forty-three + In the dusk, with a light behind her!" + +CHORUS. She may very well, etc. + +JUDGE. The rich attorney was good as his word; + The briefs came trooping gaily, + And every day my voice was heard + At the Sessions or Ancient Bailey. + All thieves who could my fees afford + Relied on my orations. + And many a burglar I've restored + To his friends and his relations. + +CHORUS. And many a burglar, etc. + +JUDGE. At length I became as rich as the Gurneys-- + An incubus then I thought her, + So I threw over that rich attorney's + Elderly, ugly daughter. + The rich attorney my character high + Tried vainly to disparage--- + And now, if you please, I'm ready to try + This Breach of Promise of Marriage! + +CHORUS. And now if you please, etc. + +JUDGE. For now I'm a Judge! +ALL. And a good Judge, too! +JUDGE. For now I'm a Judge! +ALL. And a good Judge, too! +JUDGE. Though all my law be fudge, + Yet I'll never, never budge, + But I'll live and die a Judge! +ALL. And a good Judge, too! +JUDGE (pianissimo). It was managed by a job-- +ALL. And a good job, too! +JUDGE. It was managed by a job! +ALL. And a good job too! +JUDGE. It is patent to the mob, + That my being made a nob + Was effected by a job. +ALL. And a good job too! + +[Enter Counsel for Plaintiff. He takes his place in front row of + Counsel's seats + + RECIT -- COUNSEL + + Swear thou the jury! + +USHER. Kneel, Jurymen, oh, kneel! + +[All the Jury kneel in the Jury-box, and so are hidden from + audience. + +USHER. Oh, will you swear by yonder skies, + Whatever question may arise, + 'Twixt rich and poor, 'twixt low and high, + That you will well and truly try? + +JURY (raising their hands, which alone are visible) + + To all of this we make reply + By the dull slate of yonder sky: + That we will well and truly try. + We'll try. + + (All rise with the last note) + + RECIT -- COUNSEL + + Where is the Plaintiff? + Let her now be brought. + + RECIT -- USHER + + Oh, Angelina! Come thou into Court! + Angelina! Angelina! + +Enter the Bridesmaids + + CHORUS OF BRIDESMAIDS + + Comes the broken flower-- + Comes the cheated maid-- + Though the tempest lower, + Rain and cloud will fade + Take, oh maid, these posies: + Though thy beauty rare + Shame the blushing roses, + They are passing fair! + Wear the flowers 'til they fade; + Happy be thy life, oh maid! + +[The Judge, having taken a great fancy to First Bridesmaid, sends + her a note by Usher, which she reads, kisses rapturously, + and places in her bosom. + +Enter Plaintiff + + SOLO -- PLAINTIFF + + O'er the season vernal, + Time may cast a shade; + Sunshine, if eternal, + Makes the roses fade! + Time may do his duty; + Let the thief alone-- + Winter hath a beauty. + That is all his own. + Fairest days are sun and shade: + I am no unhappy maid! + +[The Judge having by this time transferred his admiration to + Plaintiff, directs the Usher to take the note from First + Bridesmaid and hand it to Plaintiff, who reads it, + kisses it rapturously, and places it in her bosom. + + CHORUS OF BRIDESMAIDS + + Comes the broken flower, etc. + +JUDGE. Oh, never, never, never, + Since I joined the human race, + Saw I so excellently fair a face. +THE JURY (shaking their forefingers at him). Ah, sly dog! + Ah, sly dog! +JUDGE (to Jury). How say you? + Is she not designed for capture? +FOREMAN (after consulting with the Jury). We've but one word, + m'lud, and that is--Rapture! +PLAINTIFF (curtseying). Your kindness, gentlemen, quite + overpowers! + +JURY. We love you fondly, and would make you ours! + +BRIDESMAIDS (shaking their forefingers at Jury). + Ah, sly dogs! Ah, sly dogs! + + RECIT -- COUNSEL for PLAINTIFF + + May it please you, m'lud! + Gentlemen of the jury! + +ARIA -- COUNSEL + + With a sense of deep emotion, + I approach this painful case; + For I never had a notion + That a man could be so base, + Or deceive a girl confiding, + Vows, etcetera deriding. + +ALL. He deceived a girl confiding, + Vows, etcetera, deriding. + +[Plaintiff falls sobbing on Counsel's breast and remains there. + +COUNSEL. See my interesting client, + Victim of a heartless wile! + See the traitor all defiant + Wear a supercilious smile! + Sweetly smiled my client on him, + Coyly woo'd and gently won him. + +ALL. Sweetly smiled, etc. + +COUNSEL. Swiftly fled each honeyed hour + Spent with this unmanly male! + Sommerville became a bow'r, + Alston an Arcadian Vale, + Breathing concentrated otto!-- + An existence la Watteau. + +ALL. Bless, us, concentrated otto! etc. + +COUNSEL. Picture, then, my client naming, + And insisting on the day: + Picture him excuses framing-- + Going from her far away; + Doubly criminal to do so, + For the maid had bought her trousseau! + +ALL. Doubly criminal, etc. + + + COUNSEL (to Plaintiff, who weeps) + + Cheer up, my pretty--oh, cheer up! + +JURY. Cheer up, cheer up, we love you! + +[Counsel leads Plaintiff fondly into Witness-box; he takes a tender + leave of her, and resumes his place in Court. + + (Plaintiff reels as if about to faint) + +JUDGE. That she is reeling + Is plain to see! + +FOREMAN. If faint you're feeling + Recline on me! + + [She falls sobbing on to the Foreman's breast. + +PLAINTIFF (feebly). I shall recover + If left alone. + +ALL. (shaking their fists at Defendant) + Oh, perjured lover, + Atone! atone! + +FOREMAN. Just like a father [Kissing her + I wish to be. + +JUDGE. (approaching her) + Or, if you'd rather, + Recline on me! + +[She jumps on to Bench, sits down by the Judge, and falls sobbing + on his breast. + +COUNSEL. Oh! fetch some water + From far Cologne! + +ALL. For this sad slaughter + Atone! atone! + +JURY. (shaking fists at Defendant) + Monster, monster, dread our fury-- + There's the Judge, and we're the Jury! + Come! Substantial damages, + Dam--- + +USHER. Silence in Court! + + SONG -- DEFENDANT + + Oh, gentlemen, listen, I pray, + Though I own that my heart has been ranging, + Of nature the laws I obey, + For nature is constantly changing. + The moon in her phases is found, + The time, and the wind, and the weather. + The months in succession come round, + And you don't find two Mondays together. + Consider the moral, I pray, + Nor bring a young fellow to sorrow, + Who loves this young lady to-day, + And loves that young lady to-morrow. + +BRIDESMAIDS (rushing forward, and kneeling to Jury). + + Consider the moral, etc. + + One cannot eat breakfast all day, + Nor is it the act of a sinner, + When breakfast is taken away, + To turn his attention to dinner. + And it's not in the range of belief, + To look upon him as a glutton, + Who, when he is tired of beef, + Determines to tackle the mutton. + But this I am willing to say, + If it will appease her sorrow, + I'll marry this lady to-day, + And I'll marry the other to-morrow. + +BRIDESMAIDS (rushing forward as before) + + But this he is willing say, etc. + + RECIT -- JUDGE + + That seems a reasonable proposition, + To which, I think, your client may agree. + +COUNSEL + But I submit, m'lud, with all submission, + To marry two at once is Burglaree! + [Referring to law book. + In the reign of James the Second, + It was generally reckoned + As a rather serious crime + To marry two wives at a time. + [Hands book up to Judge, who reads it. + +ALL. Oh, man of learning! + + QUARTETTE + +JUDGE. A nice dilemma we have here, + That calls for all our wit: + +COUNSEL. And at this stage, it don't appear + That we can settle it. + +DEFENDANT (in Witness-box). + If I to wed the girl am loth + A breach 'twill surely be-- + +PLAINTIFF. And if he goes and marries both, + It counts as Burglaree! + +ALL. A nice dilemma we have here, + That calls for all our wit. + + DUET -- PLAINTIFF and DEFENDANT + + PLAINTIFF (embracing him rapturously) + + I love him--I love him--with fervour unceasing + I worship and madly adore; + My blind adoration is ever increasing, + My loss I shall ever deplore. + Oh, see what a blessing, what love and caressing + I've lost, and remember it, pray, + When you I'm addressing, are busy assessing + The damages Edwin must pay--- + Yes, he must pay! + + DEFENDANT (repelling her furiously) + + I smoke like a furnace--I'm always in liquor, + A ruffian--a bully--a sot; + I'm sure I should thrash her, perhaps I should kick her, + I am such a very bad lot! + I'm not prepossessing, as you may be guessing, + She couldn't endure me a day! + Recall my professing, when you are assessing + The damages Edwin must pay! + +PLAINTIFF. Yes, he must pay! + +[She clings to him passionately; after a struggle, he throws her + off into arms of Counsel. + +JURY. We would be fairly acting, + But this is most distracting! + If, when in liquor he would kick her, + That is an abatement. + + RECIT -- JUDGE + + The question, gentlemen--is one of liquor. + You ask for guidance--this is my reply: + He says, when tipsy, he would thrash and kick her. + Let's make him tipsy, gentlemen, and try! + +COUNSEL. With all respect, + I do object! + +PLAINTIFF. I do object! + +DEFENDANT. I don't object! + +ALL. With all respect + We do object! + + JUDGE (tossing his books and paper about) + + All the legal furies seize you! + No proposal seems to please you, + I can't sit up here all day, + I must shortly get away. + Barristers, and you, attorneys, + Set out on your homeward journeys; + Gentle, simple-minded Usher, + Get you, if you like, to Russher; + Put your briefs upon the shelf, + I will marry her myself! + +[He comes down from Bench to floor of Court. He embraces + Angelina. + + FINALE + +PLAINTIFF. Oh, joy unbounded, + With wealth surrounded, + The knell is sounded + Of grief and woe. + +COUNSEL. With love devoted + On you he's doated, + To castle moated + Away they go. + +DEFENDANT. I wonder whether + They'll live together, + In marriage tether + In manner true? + +USHER. It seems to me, sir, + Of such as she, sir, + A Judge is he, sir, + And a good Judge, too! + +JUDGE. Yes, I am a Judge! + +ALL. And a good Judge, too! + +JUDGE. Yes, I am a Judge! + +ALL. And a good Judge, too! + +JUDGE. Though homeward as you trudge, + You declare my law is fudge. + Yet of beauty I'm a judge. + +ALL. And a good Judge too! + +JUDGE. Though defendant is a snob, + +ALL. And a great snob, too! + +JUDGE. Though defendant is a snob, + +ALL. And a great snob, too! + +JUDGE. Though defendant is a snob, + I'll reward him from his fob. + So we've settled with the job, + +ALL. And a good job, too! + + Dance + + CURTAIN + + + UTOPIA LIMITED + + OR + + THE FLOWERS OF PROGRESS + + Music by Sir Arthur Sullivan + Libretto by William S. Gilbert + + + DRAMATIS PERSONAE + +King Paramount, the First (King of Utopia) +Scaphio and Phantis (Judges of the Utopian Supreme Court) +Tarara (The Public Exploder) +Calynx (The Utopian Vice-Chamberlain) + +Imported Flowers of Progress: + +Lord Dramaleigh (a British Lord Chamberlain) +Captain Fitzbattleaxe (First Life Guards) +Captain Sir Edward Corcoran, K.C.B. (of the Royal Navy) +Mr. Goldbury (a company promoter; afterwards Comptroller of the +Utopian + Household) +Sir Bailey Barre, Q.C., M.P. +Mr. Blushington (of the County Council) + +The Princess Zara (eldest daughter of King Paramount) +The Princesses Nekaya and Kalyba (her Younger Sisters) +The Lady Sophy (their English Gouvernante) + +Utopian Maidens: + Salata + Melene + Phylla + + + + ACT I + + A Utopian Palm Grove + + ACT II + + Throne Room in King Paramount's Palace + + + First produced at the Savoy Theatre on October 7, 1893. + + ACT I. + + + OPENING CHORUS. + + In lazy languor--motionless, + We lie and dream of nothingness; + For visions come + From Poppydom + Direct at our command: + Or, delicate alternative, + In open idleness we live, + With lyre and lute + And silver flute, + The life of Lazyland. + + SOLO - Phylla. + + The song of birds + In ivied towers; + The rippling play + Of waterway; + The lowing herds; + The breath of flowers; + The languid loves + Of turtle doves-- + These simply joys are all at hand + Upon thy shores, O Lazyland! + + (Enter Calynx) + +Calynx: Good news! Great news! His Majesty's eldest daughter, + Princess Zara, who left our shores five years since to go +to + England--the greatest, the most powerful, the wisest +country + in the world--has taken a high degree at Girton, and is +on + her way home again, having achieved a complete mastery +over + all the elements that have tended to raise that glorious + country to her present pre-eminent position among +civilized + nations! + +Salata: Then in a few months Utopia may hope to be completely +Angli- + cized? + +Calynx: Absolutely and without a doubt. + +Melene: (lazily) We are very well as we are. Life without a + care--every want supplied by a kind and fatherly monarch, + who, despot though he be, has no other thought than to +make + his people happy--what have we to gain by the great +change + that is in store for us? + +Salata: What have we to gain? English institutions, English +tastes, + and oh, English fashions! + +Calynx: England has made herself what she is because, in that fa- + vored land, every one has to think for himself. Here we + have no need to think, because our monarch anticipates +all + our wants, and our political opinions are formed for us +by + the journals to which we subscribe. Oh, think how much +more + brilliant this dialogue would have been, if we had been + accustomed to exercise our reflective powers! They say +that + in England the conversation of the very meanest is a +corus- + cation of impromptu epigram! + + (Enter Tarara in a great rage) + +Tarara: Lalabalele talala! Callabale lalabalica falahle! + +Calynx: (horrified) Stop--stop, I beg! (All the ladies close +their + ears.) + +Tarara: Callamalala galalate! Caritalla lalabalee kallalale poo! + +Ladies: Oh, stop him! stop him! + +Calynx: My lord, I'm surprised at you. Are you not aware that +His + Majesty, in his despotic acquiescence with the emphatic +wish + of his people, has ordered that the Utopian language +shall + be banished from his court, and that all communications + shall henceforward be made in the English tongue? + +Tarara: Yes, I'm perfectly aware of it, although--(suddenly +present- + ing an explosive "cracker"). Stop--allow me. + +Calynx: (pulls it). Now, what's that for? + +Tarara: Why, I've recently been appointed Public Exploder to His + Majesty, and as I'm constitutionally nervous, I must +accus- + tom myself by degrees to the startling nature of my +duties. + Thank you. I was about to say that although, as Public + Exploder, I am next in succession to the throne, I +neverthe- + less do my best to fall in with the royal decree. But +when + I am overmastered by an indignant sense of overwhelming + wrong, as I am now, I slip into my native tongue without + knowing it. I am told that in the language of that great + and pure nation, strong expressions do not exist, conse- + quently when I want to let off steam I have no +alternative + but to say, "Lalabalele molola lililah kallalale poo!" + +Calynx: But what is your grievance? + +Tarara: This--by our Constitution we are governed by a Despot +who, + although in theory absolute--is, in practice, nothing of +the + kind--being watched day and night by two Wise Men whose +duty + it is, on his very first lapse from political or social + propriety, to denounce him to me, the Public Exploder, +and + it then becomes my duty to blow up His Majesty with + dynamite--allow me. (Presenting a cracker which Calynx + pulls.) Thank you--and, as some compensation to my +wounded + feelings, I reign in his stead. + +Calynx: Yes. After many unhappy experiments in the direction of +an + ideal Republic, it was found that what may be described +as a + Despotism tempered by Dynamite provides, on the whole, +the + most satisfactory description of ruler--an autocrat who + dares not abuse his autocratic power. + +Tarara: That's the theory--but in practice, how does it act? +Now, + do you ever happen to see the Palace Peeper? (producing +a + "Society" paper). + +Calynx: Never even heard of the journal. + +Tarara: I'm not surprised, because His Majesty's agents always +buy + up the whole edition; but I have an aunt in the +publishing + department, and she has supplied me with a copy. Well, +it + actually teems with circumstantially convincing details +of + the King's abominable immoralities! If this high-class + journal may be believed, His Majesty is one of the most + Heliogabalian profligates that ever disgraced an +autocratic + throne! And do these Wise Men denounce him to me? Not +a + bit of it! They wink at his immoralities! Under the +cir- + cumstances I really think I am justified in exclaiming + "Lalabelele molola lililah kalabalale poo!" (All horri- + fied.) I don't care--the occasion demands it. (Exit +Tarara) + +(March. Enter Guard, escorting Scaphio and Phantis.) + + CHORUS. + + O make way for the Wise Men! + They are the prizemen-- + Double-first in the world's university! + For though lovely this island + (Which is my land), + She has no one to match them in her city. + They're the pride of Utopia-- + Cornucopia + Is each his mental fertility. + O they make no blunder, + And no wonder, + For they're triumphs of infallibility. + + DUET -- Scaphio and Phantis. + + In every mental lore + (The statement smacks of vanity) + We claim to rank before + The wisest of humanity. + As gifts of head and heart + We wasted on "utility," + We're "cast" to play a part + Of great responsibility. + + Our duty is to spy + Upon our King's illicites, + And keep a watchful eye + On all his eccentricities. + If ever a trick he tries + That savours of rascality, + At our decree he dies + Without the least formality. + + We fear no rude rebuff, + Or newspaper publicity; + Our word is quite enough, + The rest is electricity. + A pound of dynamite + Explodes in his auriculars; + It's not a pleasant sight-- + We'll spare you the particulars. + + Its force all men confess, + The King needs no admonishing-- + We may say its success + Is something quite astonishing. + Our despot it imbues + With virtues quite delectable, + He minds his P's and Q's,-- + And keeps himself respectable. + + Of a tyrant polite + He's paragon quite. + He's as modest and mild + In his ways as a child; + And no one ever met + With an autocrat yet, + So delightfully bland + To the least in the land! + + So make way for the wise men, etc. + + (Exeunt all but Scaphio and Phantis. Phantis is pensive.) + +Scaphio: Phantis, you are not in your customary exuberant spirits. + What is wrong? + +Phantis: Scaphio, I think you once told me that you have never +loved? + +Scaphio: Never! I have often marvelled at the fairy influence +which + weaves its rosy web about the faculties of the greatest +and + wisest of our race; but I thank Heaven I have never been + subjected to its singular fascination. For, oh, Phantis! + there is that within me that tells me that when my time +does + come, the convulsion will be tremendous! When I love, it + will be with the accumulated fervor of sixty-six years! +But + I have an ideal--a semi-transparent Being, filled with an + inorganic pink jelly--and I have never yet seen the woman + who approaches within measurable distance of it. All are + opaque--opaque--opaque! + +Phantis: Keep that ideal firmly before you, and love not until you + find her. Though but fifty-five, I am an old campaigner +in + the battle-fields of Love; and, believe me, it is better +to + be as you are, heart-free and happy, than as I +am--eternally + racked with doubting agonies! Scaphio, the Princess Zara + returns from England today! + +Scaphio: My poor boy, I see it all. + +Phantis: Oh! Scaphio, she is so beautiful. Ah! you smile, for you + have never seen her. She sailed for England three months + before you took office. + +Scaphio: Now tell me, is your affection requited? + +Phantis: I do not know--I am not sure. Sometimes I think it is, +and + then come these torturing doubts! I feel sure that she +does + not regard me with absolute indifference, for she could + never look at me without having to go to bed with a sick + headache. + +Scaphio: That is surely something. Come, take heart, boy! you +are + young and beautiful. What more could maiden want? + +Phantis: Ah! Scaphio, remember she returns from a land where every + youth is as a young Greek god, and where such beauty as +I + can boast is seen at every turn. + +Scaphio: Be of good cheer! Marry her, boy, if so your fancy +wills, + and be sure that love will come. + +Phantis: (overjoyed) Then you will assist me in this? + +Scaphio: Why, surely! Silly one, what have you to fear? We have +but + to say the word, and her father must consent. Is he not +our + very slave? Come, take heart. I cannot bear to see you + sad. + +Phantis: Now I may hope, indeed! Scaphio, you have placed me on +the + very pinnacle of human joy! + + DUET -- Scaphio and Phantis. + +Scaphio: Let all your doubts take wing-- + Our influence is great. + If Paramount our King + Presume to hesitate + Put on the screw, + And caution him + That he will rue + Disaster grim + That must ensue + To life and limb, + Should he pooh-pooh + This harmless whim. + +Both: This harmless whim--this harmless whim, + It is as I/you say, a harmless whim. + +Phantis: (dancing) Observe this dance + Which I employ + When I, by chance + Go mad with joy. + What sentiment + Does this express? + +(Phantis continues his dance while Scaphio vainly endeavors to +discover + its meaning) + + Supreme content + And happiness! + +Both: Of course it does! Of course it does! + Supreme content and happiness. + +Phantis: Your friendly aid conferred, + I need no longer pine. + I've but to speak the word, + And lo, the maid is mine! + I do not choose + To be denied. + Or wish to lose + A lovely bride-- + If to refuse + The King decide, + The royal shoes + Then woe betide! + +Both: Then woe betide--then woe betide! + The Royal shoes then woe betide! + +Scaphio: (Dancing) This step to use + I condescend + Whene'er I choose + To serve a friend. + What it implies + Now try to guess; + +(Scaphio continues his dance while Phantis is vainly endeavouring +to + discover its meaning) + + It typifies + Unselfishness! + +Both: (Dancing) Of course it does! Of course it does! + It typifies unselfishness. + + (Exeunt Scaphio and +Phantis.) + +March. Enter King Paramount, attended by guards and nobles, and +preced- + ed by girls dancing before him. + + CHORUS + + Quaff the nectar--cull the roses-- + Gather fruit and flowers in plenty! + For our king no longer poses-- + Sing the songs of far niente! + Wake the lute that sets us lilting, + Dance a welcome to each comer; + Day by day our year is wilting-- + Sing the sunny songs of summer! + La, la, la, la! + + SOLO -- King. + + A King of autocratic power we-- + A despot whose tyrannic will is law-- + Whose rule is paramount o'er land and sea, + A presence of unutterable awe! + But though the awe that I inspire + Must shrivel with imperial fire + All foes whom it may chance to touch, + To judge by what I see and hear, + It does not seem to interfere + With popular enjoyment, much. + +Chorus: No, no--it does not interfere + With our enjoyment much. + + Stupendous when we rouse ourselves to strike, + Resistless when our tyrant thunder peals, + We often wonder what obstruction's like, + And how a contradicted monarch feels. + But as it is our Royal whim + Our Royal sails to set and trim + To suit whatever wind may blow-- + What buffets contradiction deals + And how a thwarted monarch feels + We probably will never know. + +Chorus: No, no--what thwarted monarch feels, + You'll never, never know. + + RECITATIVE -- King. + + My subjects all, it is your with emphatic + That all Utopia shall henceforth be modelled + Upon that glorious country called Great Britain-- + To which some add--but others do not--Ireland. + +Chorus: It is! + +King: That being so, as you insist upon it, + We have arranged that our two younger daughters + Who have been "finished" by an English Lady-- +(tenderly) A grave and good and gracious English Lady-- + Shall daily be exhibited in public, + That all may learn what, from the English standpoint, + Is looked upon as maidenly perfection! + Come hither, daughters! + +(Enter Nekaya and Kalyba. They are twins, about fifteen years old; +they + are very modest and demure in their appearance, dress and +manner. + They stand with their hands folded and their eyes cast down.) + + CHORUS + + How fair! how modest! how discreet! + How bashfully demure! + See how they blush, as they've been taught, + At this publicity unsought! + How English and how pure! + + DUET -- Nekaya and Kalyba. + +Both: Although of native maids the cream, + We're brought up on the English scheme-- + The best of all + For great and small + Who modesty adore. + +Nek: For English girls are good as gold, + Extremely modest (so we're told) + Demurely coy--divinely cold-- + And that we are--and more. + +Kal: To please papa, who argues thus-- + All girls should mould themselves on us + Because we are + By furlongs far + The best of the bunch, + We show ourselves to loud applause + From ten to four without a pause-- + +Nek: Which is an awkward time because + It cuts into our lunch. + +Both: Oh maids of high and low degree, + Whose social code is rather free, + Please look at us and you will see + What good young ladies ought to be! + +Nek: And as we stand, like clockwork toys, + A lecturer whom papa employs + Proceeds to prussia + Our modest ways + And guileless character-- + +Kal: Our well-known blush--our downcast eyes-- + Our famous look of mild surprise. + +Nek: (Which competition still defies)-- + Our celebrated "Sir!!!" + +Kal: Then all the crowd take down our looks + In pocket memorandum books. + To diagnose + Our modest pose + The Kodaks do their best: + +Nek: If evidence you would possess + Of what is maiden bashfulness + You need only a button press-- + +Kal: And we will do the rest. + + +Enter Lady Sophy -- an English lady of mature years and extreme +gravity + of demeanour and dress. She carries a lecturer's wand in her + hand. She is led on by the King, who expresses great regard +and + admiration for her. + + RECITATIVE -- Lady Sophy + + This morning we propose to illustrate + A course of maiden courtship, from the start + To the triumphant matrimonial finish. + +(Through the following song the two Princesses illustrate in +gesture + the description given by Lady Sophy.) + + SONG -- Lady Sophy + + Bold-faced ranger + (Perfect stranger) + Meets two well-behaved young ladies. + He's attractive, + Young and active-- + Each a little bit afraid is. + Youth advances, + At his glances + To their danger they awaken; + They repel him + As they tell him + He is very much mistaken. + Though they speak to him politely, + Please observe they're sneering slightly, + Just to show he's acting vainly. + This is Virtue saying plainly + "Go away, young bachelor, + We are not what you take us for!" + When addressed impertinently, + English ladies answer gently, + "Go away, young bachelor, + We are not what you take us for!" + + As he gazes, + Hat he raises, + Enters into conversation. + Makes excuses-- + This produces + Interesting agitation. + He, with daring, + Undespairing, + Give his card--his rank discloses + Little heeding + This proceeding, + They turn up their little noses. + Pray observe this lesson vital-- + When a man of rank and title + His position first discloses, + Always cock your little noses. + When at home, let all the class + Try this in the looking glass. + English girls of well bred notions, + Shun all unrehearsed emotions. + English girls of highest class + Practice them before the glass. + + His intentions + Then he mentions. + Something definite to go on-- + Makes recitals + Of his titles, + Hints at settlements, and so on. + Smiling sweetly, + They, discreetly, + Ask for further evidences: + Thus invited, + He, delighted, + Gives the usual references: + This is business. Each is fluttered + When the offer's fairly uttered. + "Which of them has his affection?" + He declines to make selection. + Do they quarrel for his dross? + Not a bit of it--they toss! + Please observe this cogent moral-- + English ladies never quarrel. + When a doubt they come across, + English ladies always toss. + + RECITATIVE -- Lady Sophy + + The lecture's ended. In ten minute's space + 'Twill be repeated in the market-place! + + (Exit Lady Sophy, followed by Nekaya and +Kalyba.) + +Chorus: Quaff the nectar--cull the roses-- + Bashful girls will soon be plenty! + Maid who thus at fifteen poses + Ought to be divine at twenty! + + (Exeunt all but +KING.) + +King: I requested Scaphio and Phantis to be so good as to favor +me + with an audience this morning. (Enter SCAPHIO and +PHANTIS.) + Oh, here they are! + +Scaphio: Your Majesty wished to speak with us, I believe. +You--you + needn't keep your crown on, on our account, you know. + +King: I beg your pardon. (Removes it.) I always forget that! + Odd, the notion of a King not being allowed to wear one +of + his own crowns in the presence of two of his own +subjects. + +Phantis: Yes--bizarre, is it not? + +King: Most quaint. But then it's a quaint world. + +Phantis: Teems with quiet fun. I often think what a lucky thing +it + is that you are blessed with such a keen sense of humor! + +King: Do you know, I find it invaluable. Do what I will, I +cannot + help looking at the humorous side of things--for, +properly + considered, everything has its humorous side--even the + Palace Peeper (producing it). See here--"Another Royal + Scandal," by Junius Junior. "How long is this to last?" +by + Senex Senior. "Ribald Royalty," by Mercury Major. +"Where + is the Public Exploder?" by Mephistopheles Minor. When +I + reflect that all these outrageous attacks on my morality +are + written by me, at your command--well, it's one of the +funni- + est things that have come within the scope of my +experience. + +Scaphio: Besides, apart from that, they have a quiet humor of +their + own which is simply irresistible. + +King: (gratified) Not bad, I think. Biting, trenchant + sarcasm--the rapier, not the bludgeon--that's my line. +But + then it's so easy--I'm such a good subject--a bad King +but a + good Subject--ha! ha!--a capital heading for next week's + leading article! (makes a note) And then the stinging + little paragraphs about our Royal goings-on with our +Royal + Second Housemaid--delicately sub-acid, are they not? + +Scaphio: My dear King, in that kind of thing no one can hold a +candle + to you. + +Phantis: But the crowning joke is the Comic Opera you've written +for + us--"King Tuppence, or A Good Deal Less than Half a +Sover- + eign"--in which the celebrated English tenor, Mr. +Wilkinson, + burlesques your personal appearance and gives grotesque + imitations of your Royal peculiarities. It's immense! + +King: Ye--es--That's what I wanted to speak to you about. Now + I've not the least doubt but that even that has its +humorous + side too--if one could only see it. As a rule I'm pretty + quick at detecting latent humor--but I confess I do not + quite see where it comes in, in this particular instance. + It's so horribly personal! + +Scaphio: Personal? Yes, of course it's personal--but consider the + antithetical humor of the situation. + +King: Yes. I--I don't think I've quite grasped that. + +Scaphio: No? You surprise me. Why, consider. During the day +thou- + sands tremble at your frown, during the night (from 8 to +11) + thousands roar at it. During the day your most arbitrary + pronouncements are received by your subjects with abject + submission--during the night, they shout with joy at your + most terrible decrees. It's not every monarch who enjoys + the privilege of undoing by night all the despotic +absurdi- + ties he's committed during the day. + +King: Of course! Now I see it! Thank you very much. I was +sure + it had its humorous side, and it was very dull of me not +to + have seen it before. But, as I said just now, it's a +quaint + world. + +Phantis: Teems with quiet fun. + +King: Yes. Properly considered, what a farce life is, to be +sure! + + SONG -- King. + + First you're born--and I'll be bound you + Find a dozen strangers round you. + "Hallo," cries the new-born baby, + "Where's my parents? which may they be?" + Awkward silence--no reply-- + Puzzled baby wonders why! + Father rises, bows politely-- + Mother smiles (but not too brightly)-- + Doctor mumbles like a dumb thing-- + Nurse is busy mixing something.-- + Every symptom tends to show + You're decidedly de trop-- + +All: Ho! ho! ho! ho! ho! ho! ho! ho! + Time's teetotum, + If you spin it, + Gives it quotum + Once a minute. + I'll go bail + You hit the nail, + And if you fail, + The deuce is in it! + +King: You grow up and you discover + What it is to be a lover. + Some young lady is selected-- + Poor, perhaps, but well-connected. + Whom you hail (for Love is blind) + As the Queen of fairy kind. + Though she's plain--perhaps unsightly, + Makes her face up--laces tightly, + In her form your fancy traces + All the gifts of all the graces. + Rivals none the maiden woo, + So you take her and she takes you. + +All: Ho! ho! ho! ho! ho! ho! ho! ho! + Joke beginning, + Never ceases + Till your inning + Time releases, + On your way + You blindly stray, + And day by day + The joke increases! + +King: Ten years later--Time progresses-- + Sours your temper--thins your tresses; + Fancy, then, her chain relaxes; + Rates are facts and so are taxes. + Fairy Queen's no longer young-- + Fairy Queen has got a tongue. + Twins have probably intruded-- + Quite unbidden--just as you did-- + They're a source of care and trouble-- + Just as you were--only double. + Comes at last the final stroke-- + Time has had its little joke! + +All: Ho! ho! ho! ho! ho! ho! ho! ho! + Daily driven + (Wife as drover) + Ill you've thriven-- + Ne'er in clover; + Lastly, when + Three-score and ten + (And not till then), + The joke is over! + Ho! ho! ho! ho! ho! ho! ho! ho! + Then--and then + The joke is over! + + (Exeunt Scaphio and +Phantis.) + +King: (putting on his crown again) It's all very well. I +always + like to look on the humorous side of things; but I do not + think I ought to be required to write libels on my own +moral + character. Naturally, I see the joke of it--anybody + would--but Zara's coming home today; she's no longer a + child, and I confess I should not like her to see my + Opera--though it's uncommonly well written; and I should +be + sorry if the Palace Peeper got into her hands--though +it's + certainly smart--very smart indeed. It is almost a pity + that I have to buy up the whole edition, because it's +really + too good to be lost. And Lady Sophy--that blameless type +of + perfect womanhood! Great Heavens, what would she say if +the + Second Housemaid business happened to meet her pure blue + eye! (Enter Lady Sophy) + +Lady S.: My monarch is soliloquizing. I will withdraw. (going) + +King: No--pray don't go. Now I'll give you fifty chances, and +you + won't guess whom I was thinking of. + +Lady S.: Alas, sir, I know too well. Ah! King, it's an old, old + story, and I'm wellnigh weary of it! Be warned in + time--from my heart I pity you, but I am not for you! + (going) + +King: But hear what I have to say. + +Lady S.: It is useless. Listen. In the course of a long and +adven- + turous career in the principal European Courts, it has +been + revealed to me that I unconsciously exercise a weird and + supernatural fascination over all Crowned Heads. So +irre- + sistible is this singular property, that there is not a + European Monarch who has not implored me, with tears in +his + eyes, to quit his kingdom, and take my fatal charms else- + where. As time was getting on it occurred to me that by + descending several pegs in the scale of Respectability I + might qualify your Majesty for my hand. Actuated by this + humane motive and happening to possess Respectability +enough + for Six, I consented to confer Respectability enough for + Four upon your two younger daughters--but although I +have, + alas, only Respectability enough for Two left, there is + still, as I gather from the public press of this country + (producing the Palace Peeper), a considerable balance in +my + favor. + +King: (aside) Damn! (aloud) May I ask how you came by this? + +Lady S.: It was handed to me by the officer who holds the position +of + Public Exploder to your Imperial Majesty. + +King: And surely, Lady Sophy, surely you are not so unjust as +to + place any faith in the irresponsible gabble of the +Society + press! + +Lady S.: (referring to paper) I read on the authority of Senex + Senior that your Majesty was seen dancing with your +Second + Housemaid on the Oriental Platform of the Tivoli Gardens. + That is untrue? + +King: Absolutely. Our Second Housemaid has only one leg. + +Lady S.: (suspiciously) How do you know that? + +King: Common report. I give you my honor. + +Lady S.: It may be so. I further read--and the statement is +vouched + for by no less an authority that Mephistopheles +Minor--that + your Majesty indulges in a bath of hot rum-punch every + morning. I trust I do not lay myself open to the charge +of + displaying an indelicate curiosity as to the mysteries of + the royal dressing-room when I ask if there is any +founda- + tion for this statement? + +King: None whatever. When our medical adviser exhibits +rum-punch + it is as a draught, not as a fomentation. As to our +bath, + our valet plays the garden hose upon us every morning. + +Lady S.: (shocked) Oh, pray--pray spare me these unseemly +details. + Well, you are a Despot--have you taken steps to slay this + scribbler? + +King: Well, no--I have not gone so far as that. After all, +it's + the poor devil's living, you know. + +Lady S.: It is the poor devil's living that surprises me. If this + man lies, there is no recognized punishment that is +suffi- + ciently terrible for him. + +King: That's precisely it. I--I am waiting until a punishment +is + discovered that will exactly meet the enormity of the +case. + I am in constant communication with the Mikado of Japan, +who + is a leading authority on such points; and, moreover, I +have + the ground plans and sectional elevations of several +capital + punishments in my desk at this moment. Oh, Lady Sophy, +as + you are powerful, be merciful! + + DUET -- King and Lady Sophy. + +King: Subjected to your heavenly gaze + (Poetical phrase), + My brain is turned completely. + Observe me now + No monarch I vow, + Was ever so afflicted! + +Lady S: I'm pleased with that poetical phrase, + "A heavenly gaze," + But though you put it neatly, + Say what you will, + These paragraphs still + Remain uncontradicted. + + Come, crush me this contemptible worm + (A forcible term), + If he's assailed you wrongly. + The rage display, + Which, as you say, + Has moved your Majesty lately. + +King: Though I admit that forcible term + "Contemptible worm," + Appeals to me most strongly, + To treat this pest + As you suggest + Would pain my Majesty greatly. + +Lady S: This writer lies! +King: Yes, bother his eyes! +Lady S: He lives, you say? +King: In a sort of way. +Lady S: Then have him shot. +King: Decidedly not. +Lady S: Or crush him flat. +King: I cannot do that. +Both: O royal Rex, + My/her blameless sex + Abhors such conduct shady. + You/I plead in vain, + I/you will never gain + Respectable English lady! + + (Dance of repudiation by Lady Sophy. Exit followed by +King.) + +March. Enter all the Court, heralding the arrival of the Princess +Zara, + who enters, escorted by Captain Fitzbattleaxe and four +Troopers, all + in the full uniform of the First Life Guards. + + CHORUS. + + Oh, maiden, rich + In Girton lore + That wisdom which, + We prized before, + We do confess + Is nothingness, + And rather less, + Perhaps, than more. + On each of us + Thy learning shed. + On calculus + May we be fed. + And teach us, please, + To speak with ease, + All languages, + Alive and dead! + + SOLO--Princess and Chorus + +Zara: Five years have flown since I took wing-- + Time flies, and his footstep ne'er retards-- + I'm the eldest daughter of your King. + +Troop: And we are her escort--First Life Guards! + On the royal yacht, + When the waves were white, + In a helmet hot + And a tunic tight, + And our great big boots, + We defied the storm; + For we're not recruits, + And his uniform + A well drilled trooper ne'er discards-- + And we are her escort--First Life Guards! + +Zara: These gentlemen I present to you, + The pride and boast of their barrack-yards; + They've taken, O! such care of me! + +Troop: For we are her escort--First Life Guards! + When the tempest rose, + And the ship went so-- + Do you suppose + We were ill? No, no! + Though a qualmish lot + In a tunic tight, + And a helmet hot, + And a breastplate bright + (Which a well-drilled trooper ne'er discards), + We stood as her escort--First Life Guards! + + CHORUS + + Knightsbridge nursemaids--serving fairies-- + Stars of proud Belgravian airies; + At stern duty's call you leave them, + Though you know how that must grieve them! + +Zara: Tantantarara-rara-rara! + +Fitz: Trumpet-call of Princess Zara! + +Cho: That's trump-call, and they're all trump cards-- + They are her escort--First Life Guards! + + ENSEMBLE + + Chorus Princess Zara and +Fitzbattleaxe + + Ladies Oh! the hours are gold, + And the joys untold, +Knightsbridge nursemaids, etc. When my eyes behold + My beloved Princess; + Men And the years will seem +When the tempest rose, etc. But a brief day-dream, + In the joy extreme + Of our happiness! + +Full Chorus: Knightsbridge nursemaids, serving fairies, etc. + +(Enter King, Princess Nekaya and Kalyba, and Lady Sophy. As the +King enters, + the escort present arms.) + +King: Zara! my beloved daughter! Why, how well you look and +how + lovely you have grown! (embraces her.) + +Zara: My dear father! (embracing him) And my two beautiful + little sisters! (embracing them) + +Nekaya: Not beautiful. + +Kalyba: Nice-looking. + +Zara: But first let me present to you the English warrior who + commands my escort, and who has taken, O! such care of me + during my voyage--Captain Fitzbattleaxe! + +Troopers: The First Life Guards. + When the tempest rose, + And the ship went so-- + +(Captain Fitzbattleaxe motions them to be silent. The Troopers +place + themselves in the four corners of the stage, standing at ease, + immovably, as if on sentry. Each is surrounded by an admiring + group of young ladies, of whom they take no notice.) + +King: (to Capt. Fitz.) Sir, you come from a country where +every + virtue flourishes. We trust that you will not criticize +too + severely such shortcomings as you may detect in our + semi-barbarous society. + +Fitz.: (looking at Zara) Sir, I have eyes for nothing but the + blameless and the beautiful. + +King: We thank you--he is really very polite! (Lady Sophy, who +has + been greatly scandalized by the attentions paid to the + Lifeguardsmen by the young ladies, marches the Princesses + Nekaya and Kalyba towards an exit.) Lady Sophy, do not +leave + us. + +Lady S.: Sir, your children are young, and, so far, innocent. If + they are to remain so, it is necessary that they be at +once + removed from the contamination of their present +disgraceful + surroundings. (She marches them off.) + +King: (whose attention has thus been called to the proceedings +of + the young ladies--aside) Dear, dear! They really +should- + n't. (Aloud) Captain Fitzbattleaxe-- + +Fitz.: Sir. + +King: Your Troopers appear to be receiving a troublesome amount +of + attention from those young ladies. I know how strict you + English soldiers are, and I should be extremely +distressed + if anything occurred to shock their puritanical British + sensitiveness. + +Fitz.: Oh, I don't think there's any chance of that. + +King: You think not? They won't be offended? + +Fitz.: Oh no! They are quite hardened to it. They get a good +deal + of that sort of thing, standing sentry at the Horse +Guards. + +King: It's English, is it? + +Fitz.: It's particularly English. + +King: Then, of course, it's all right. Pray proceed, ladies, +it's + particularly English. Come, my daughter, for we have +much + to say to each other. + +Zara: Farewell, Captain Fitzbattleaxe! I cannot thank you too +em- + phatically for the devoted care with which you have +watched + over me during our long and eventful voyage. + + DUET -- Zara and Captain Fitzbattleaxe. + +Zara: Ah! gallant soldier, brave and true + In tented field and tourney, + I grieve to have occasioned you + So very long a journey. + A British warrior give up all-- + His home and island beauty-- + When summoned to the trumpet call + Of Regimental Duty! + +Cho: Tantantara-rara-rara! + Trumpet call of the Princess Zara! + + ENSEMBLE + + Men Fitz. and Zara (aside) + +A British warrior gives up all, etc. Oh my joy, my pride, + My delight to hide, + Let us sing, aside, + Ladies What in truth we feel, + Let us whisper low +Knightsbridge nursemaids, etc. Of our love's glad glow, + Lest the truth we show + We would fain conceal. + +Fitz.: Such escort duty, as his due, + To young Lifeguardsman falling + Completely reconciles him to + His uneventful calling. + When soldier seeks Utopian glades + In charge of Youth and Beauty, + Then pleasure merely masquerades + As Regimental Duty! + +All: Tantantarara-rara-rara! + Trumpet-call of Princess Zara! + + ENSEMBLE + + Men Fitz. and Zara (aside) + +A British warrior gives up all, etc. Oh! my hours are gold, + And the joys untold, + When my eyes behold + Ladies My beloved Princess; + And the years will seem +Knightsbridge nursemaids, etc. But a brief day-dream, + In the job extreme + Of our happiness! + +(Exeunt King and Zara in one direction, Lifeguardsmen and crowd in + opposite direction. Enter, at back, Scaphio and Phantis, who +watch + Zara as she goes off. Scaphio is seated, shaking violently, +and + obviously under the influence of some strong emotion.) + +Phantis: There--tell me, Scaphio, is she not beautiful? Can you + wonder that I love her so passionately? + +Scaphio: No. She is extraordinarily--miraculously lovely! Good + heavens, what a singularly beautiful girl! + +Phantis: I knew you would say so! + +Scaphio: What exquisite charm of manner! What surprising delicacy +of + gesture! Why, she's a goddess! a very goddess! + +Phantis: (rather taken aback) Yes--she's--she's an attractive +girl. + +Scaphio: Attractive? Why, you must be blind!--She's + entrancing--enthralling--intoxicating! (Aside) God +bless + my heart, what's the matter with me? + +Phantis: (alarmed) Yes. You--you promised to help me to get her + father's consent, you know. + +Scaphio: Promised! Yes, but the convulsion has come, my good boy! + It is she--my ideal! Why, what's this? (Staggering) + Phantis! Stop me--I'm going mad--mad with the love of +her! + +Phantis: Scaphio, compose yourself, I beg. The girl is perfectly + opaque! Besides, remember--each of us is helpless +without + the other. You can't succeed without my consent, you +know. + +Scaphio: And you dare to threaten? Oh, ungrateful! When you came +to + me, palsied with love for this girl, and implored my +assis- + tance, did I not unhesitatingly promise it? And this is +the + return you make? Out of my sight, ingrate! (Aside) +Dear! + dear! what is the matter with me? (Enter Capt. +Fitzbattleaxe + and Zara) + +Zara: Dear me. I'm afraid we are interrupting a tete-a-tete. + +Scaphio: (breathlessly) No, no. You come very appropriately. To +be + brief, we--we love you--this man and +I--madly--passionately! + +Zara: Sir! + +Scaphio: And we don't know how we are to settle which of us is to + marry you. + +Fitz.: Zara, this is very awkward. + +Scaphio: (very much overcome) I--I am paralyzed by the singular + radiance of your extraordinary loveliness. I know I am + incoherent. I never was like this before--it shall not + occur again. I--shall be fluent, presently. + +Zara: (aside) Oh, dear, Captain Fitzbattleaxe, what is to be + done? + +Fitz.: (aside) Leave it to me--I'll manage it. (Aloud) It's +a + common situation. Why not settle it in the English +fashion? + +Both: The English fashion? What is that? + +Fitz.: It's very simple. In England, when two gentlemen are in + love with the same lady, and until it is settled which + gentleman is to blow out the brains of the other, it is + provided, by the Rival Admirers' Clauses Consolidation +Act, + that the lady shall be entrusted to an officer of +Household + Cavalry as stakeholder, who is bound to hand her over to +the + survivor (on the Tontine principle) in a good condition +of + substantial and decorative repair. + +Scaphio: Reasonable wear and tear and damages by fire excepted? + +Fitz.: Exactly. + +Phantis: Well, that seems very reasonable. (To Scaphio) What do +you + say--Shall we entrust her to this officer of Household + Cavalry? It will give us time. + +Scaphio: (trembling violently) I--I am not at present in a +condition + to think it out coolly--but if he is an officer of +Household + Cavalry, and if the Princess consents--- + +Zara: Alas, dear sirs, I have no alternative--under the Rival + Admirers' Clauses Consolidation Act! + +Fitz.: Good--then that's settled. + + QUARTET + Fitzbattleaxe, Zara, Scaphio, and Phantis. + +Fitz.: It's understood, I think, all round + That, by the English custom bound + I hold the lady safe and sound + In trust for either rival, + Until you clearly testify + By sword and pistol, by and by, + Which gentleman prefers to die, + And which prefers survival. + + ENSEMBLE + + Sca. and Phan. Zara and Fitz + +Its clearly understood all round We stand, I think, on safish +ground +That, by your English custom bound Our senses weak it will +astound +He holds the lady safe and sound If either gentleman is found + In trust for either rival, Prepared to meet his rival. +Until we clearly testify Their machinations we defy; +By sword or pistol, by and by We won't be parted, you and +I-- +Which gentleman prefers to die, Of bloodshed each is rather +shy-- + Which prefers survival. They both prefer survival + +Phan.: If I should die and he should live +(aside to Fitz.) To you, without reserve, I give + Her heart so young and sensitive, + And all her predilections. + +Sca.: If he should live and I should die, +(aside to Fitz.) I see no kind of reason why + You should not, if you wish it, try + To gain her young affections. + + ENSEMBLE + + Sca. and Phant. Fitz and Zara + +If I should die and you should live As both of us are positive +To this young officer I give That both of them intend to +live, +Her heart so soft and sensitive, There's nothing in the case to +give + And all her predilections. Us cause for grave +reflections. +If you should live and I should die As both will live and neither +die +I see no kind of reason why I see no kind of reason why +He should not, if he chooses, try I should not, if I wish it, +try + To win her young affections. To gain your young +affections! + + (Exit Scaphio and Phantis +together) + + DUET -- Zara and Fitzbattleaxe + +Ensemble: Oh admirable art! + Oh, neatly-planned intention! + Oh, happy intervention-- + Oh, well constructed plot! + + When sages try to part + Two loving hearts in fusion, + Their wisdom's delusion, + And learning serves them not! + +Fitz.: Until quit plain + Is their intent, + These sages twain + I represent. + Now please infer + That, nothing loth, + You're henceforth, as it were, + Engaged to marry both-- + Then take it that I represent the two-- + On that hypothesis, what would you do? + +Zara. (aside): What would I do? what would I do? +(To Fitz.) In such a case, + Upon your breast, + My blushing face + I think I'd rest--(doing so) + Then perhaps I might + Demurely say-- + "I find this breastplate bright + Is sorely in the way!" + +Fitz.: Our mortal race + Is never blest-- + There's no such case + As perfect rest; + Some petty blight + Asserts its sway-- + Some crumbled roseleaf light + Is always in the way! + + (Exit Fitzbattleaxe. Manet +Zara.) + +(Enter King.) + +King: My daughter! At last we are alone together. + +Zara: Yes, and I'm glad we are, for I want to speak to you very + seriously. Do you know this paper? + +King: (aside) Da--! (Aloud) Oh yes--I've--I've seen it. +Where + in the world did you get this from? + +Zara: It was given to me by Lady Sophy--my sisters' governess. + +King: (aside) Lady Sophy's an angel, but I do sometimes wish + she'd mind her own business! (Aloud) It's--ha! +ha!--it's + rather humorous. + +Zara: I see nothing humorous in it. I only see that you, the +des- + potic King of this country, are made the subject of the +most + scandalous insinuations. Why do you permit these things? + +King: Well, they appeal to my sense of humor. It's the only + really comic paper in Utopia, and I wouldn't be without +it + for the world. + +Zara: If it had any literary merit I could understand it. + +King: Oh, it has literary merit. Oh, distinctly, it has +literary + merit. + +Zara: My dear father, it's mere ungrammatical twaddle. + +King: Oh, it's not ungrammatical. I can't allow that. +Unpleas- + antly personal, perhaps, but written with an +epigrammatical + point that is very rare nowadays--very rare indeed. + +Zara: (looking at cartoon) Why do they represent you with such +a + big nose? + +King: (looking at cartoon) Eh? Yes, it is a big one! Why, +the + fact is that, in the cartoons of a comic paper, the size +of + your nose always varies inversely as the square of your + popularity. It's the rule. + +Zara: Then you must be at a tremendous discount just now! I +see a + notice of a new piece called "King Tuppence," in which an + English tenor has the audacity to personate you on a +public + stage. I can only say that I am surprised that any +English + tenor should lend himself to such degrading +personalities. + +King: Oh, he's not really English. As it happens he's a +Utopian, + but he calls himself English. + +Zara: Calls himself English? + +King: Yes. Bless you, they wouldn't listen to any tenor who + didn't call himself English. + +Zara: And you permit this insolent buffoon to caricature you in +a + pointless burlesque! My dear father--if you were a free + agent, you would never permit these outrages. + +King: (almost in tears) Zara--I--I admit I am not altogether +a + free agent. I--I am controlled. I try to make the best +of + it, but sometimes I find it very difficult--very +difficult + indeed. Nominally a Despot, I am, between ourselves, the + helpless tool of two unscrupulous Wise Men, who insist on +my + falling in with all their wishes and threaten to denounce +me + for immediate explosion if I remonstrate! (Breaks down + completely) + +Zara: My poor father! Now listen to me. With a view to +remodel- + ling the political and social institutions of Utopia, I +have + brought with me six Representatives of the principal +causes + that have tended to make England the powerful, happy, and + blameless country which the consensus of European +civiliza- + tion has declared it to be. Place yourself unreservedly +in + the hands of these gentlemen, and they will reorganize +your + country on a footing that will enable you to defy your + persecutors. They are all now washing their hands after + their journey. Shall I introduce them? + +King: My dear Zara, how can I thank you? I will consent to +any- + thing that will release me from the abominable tyranny of + these two men. (Calling) What ho! Without there! +(Enter + Calynx) Summon my Court without an instant's delay! + (Exit +Calynx) + + FINALE + Enter every one, except the Flowers of Progress. + + CHORUS + Although your Royal summons to appear + From courtesy was singularly free, + Obedient to that summons we are here-- + What would your Majesty? + + RECITATIVE -- King + + My worthy people, my beloved daughter + Most thoughtfully has brought with her from England + The types of all the causes that have made + That great and glorious country what it is. + +Chorus: Oh, joy unbounded! + +Sca., Tar., Phan (aside). Why, what does this mean? + + RECITATIVE -- Zara + + Attend to me, Utopian populace, + Ye South Pacific island viviparians; + All, in the abstract, types of courtly grace, + Yet, when compared with Britain's glorious race, + But little better than half clothed Barbarians! + + CHORUS + + Yes! Contrasted when + With Englishmen, + Are little better than half-clothed barbarians! + + Enter all the Flowers of Progress, led by Fitzbattleaxe. + + SOLOS -- Zara and the Flowers of Progress. + + (Presenting Captain Fitzbattleaxe) + + When Britain sounds the trump of war + (And Europe trembles), + The army of the conqueror + In serried ranks assemble; + 'Tis then this warrior's eyes and sabre gleam + For our protection-- + He represents a military scheme + In all its proud perfection! + +Chorus: Yes--yes + He represents a military scheme + In all its proud perfection. + Ulahlica! Ulahlica! Ulahlica! + + SOLO -- Zara. + + (Presenting Sir Bailey Barre, Q.C., M.P.) + + A complicated gentleman allow to present, + Of all the arts and faculties the terse embodiment, + He's a great arithmetician who can demonstrate with ease + That two and two are three or five or anything you please; + An eminent Logician who can make it clear to you + That black is white--when looked at from the proper point +of + view; + A marvelous Philologist who'll undertake to show + That "yes" is but another and a neater form of "no." + +Sir Bailey: Yes--yes--yes-- + "Yes" is but another and a neater form of "no." + All preconceived ideas on any subject I can scout, + And demonstrate beyond all possibility of doubt, + That whether you're an honest man or whether you're a thief + Depends on whose solicitor has given me my brief. + +Chorus: Yes--yes--yes + That whether your'e an honest man, etc. + Ulahlica! Ulahlica! Ulahlica! + +Zara: (Presenting Lord Dramaleigh and County Councillor) + What these may be, Utopians all, + Perhaps you'll hardly guess-- + They're types of England's physical + And moral cleanliness. + This is a Lord High Chamberlain, + Of purity the gauge-- + He'll cleanse our court from moral stain + And purify our Stage. + +Lord D.: Yes--yes--yes + Court reputations I revise, + And presentations scrutinize, + New plays I read with jealous eyes, + And purify the Stage. + +Chorus: Court reputations, etc. + +Zara: This County Councillor acclaim, + Great Britain's latest toy-- + On anything you like to name + His talents he'll employ-- + + All streets and squares he'll purify + Within your city walls, + And keep meanwhile a modest eye + On wicked music halls. + +C.C.: Yes--yes--yes + In towns I make improvements great, + Which go to swell the County Rate-- + I dwelling-houses sanitate, + And purify the Halls! + +Chorus: In towns he makes improvements great, etc. + Ulahlica! Ulahlica! Ulahlica! + + SOLO -- Zara: + + (Presenting Mr. Goldbury) + + A Company Promoter this with special education, + Which teaches what Contango means and also Backwardation-- + To speculators he supplies a grand financial leaven, + Time was when two were company--but now it must be seven. + +Mr. Gold.: Yes--yes--yes + Stupendous loans to foreign thrones + I've largely advocated; + In ginger-pops and peppermint-drops + I've freely speculated; + Then mines of gold, of wealth untold, + Successfully I've floated + And sudden falls in apple-stalls + Occasionally quoted. + And soon or late I always call + For Stock Exchange quotation-- + No schemes too great and none too small + For Companification! + +Chorus: Yes! Yes! Yes! No schemes too great, etc. + Ulahlica! Ulahlica! Ulahlica! + +Zara: (Presenting Capt. Sir Edward Corcoran, R.N.) + + And lastly I present + Great Britain's proudest boast, + Who from the blows + Of foreign foes + Protects her sea-girt coast-- + And if you ask him in respectful tone, + He'll show you how you may protect your own! + + SOLO -- Captain Corcoran + + I'm Captain Corcoran, K.C.B., + I'll teach you how we rule the sea, + And terrify the simple Gauls; + And how the Saxon and the Celt + Their Europe-shaking blows have dealt + With Maxim gun and Nordenfelt + (Or will when the occasion calls). + If sailor-like you'd play your cards, + Unbend your sails and lower your yards, + Unstep your masts--you'll never want 'em more. + Though we're no longer hearts of oak, + Yet we can steer and we can stoke, + And thanks to coal, and thanks to coke, + We never run a ship ashore! + +All: What never? + +Capt.: No, never! + +All: What never? + +Capt: Hardly ever! + +All: Hardly ever run a ship ashore! + Then give three cheers, and three cheers more, + For the tar who never runs his ship ashore; + Then give three cheers, and three cheers more, + For he never runs his ship ashore! + + CHORUS + + All hail, ye types of England's power-- + Ye heaven-enlightened band! + We bless the day and bless the hour + That brought you to our land. + + QUARTET + + Ye wanderers from a mighty State, + Oh, teach us how to legislate-- + Your lightest word will carry weight, + In our attentive ears. + Oh, teach the natives of this land + (Who are not quick to understand) + How to work off their social and + Political arrears! + +Capt. Fitz.: Increase your army! +Lord D.: Purify your court! +Capt. Corc: Get up your steam and cut your canvas short! +Sir B.: To speak on both sides teach your sluggish brains! +Mr. B.: Widen your thoroughfares, and flush your drains! +Mr. Gold.: Utopia's much too big for one small head-- + I'll float it as a Company Limited! + +King: A Company Limited? What may that be? + The term, I rather think, is new to me. + +Chorus: A company limited? etc. + +Sca, Phant, and Tara (Aside) + What does he mean? What does he mean? + Give us a kind of clue! + What does he mean? What does he mean? + What is he going to do? + +SONG -- Mr. Goldbury + + Some seven men form an Association + (If possible, all Peers and Baronets), + The start off with a public declaration + To what extent they mean to pay their debts. + That's called their Capital; if they are wary + They will not quote it at a sum immense. + The figure's immaterial--it may vary + From eighteen million down to eighteenpence. + I should put it rather low; + The good sense of doing so + Will be evident at once to any debtor. + When it's left to you to say + What amount you mean to pay, + Why, the lower you can put it at, the better. + +Chorus: When it's left to you to say, etc. + + They then proceed to trade with all who'll trust 'em + Quite irrespective of their capital + (It's shady, but it's sanctified by custom); + Bank, Railway, Loan, or Panama Canal. + You can't embark on trading too tremendous-- + It's strictly fair, and based on common sense-- + If you succeed, your profits are stupendous-- + And if you fail, pop goes your eighteenpence. + + Make the money-spinner spin! + For you only stand to win, + And you'll never with dishonesty be twitted. + For nobody can know, + To a million or so, + To what extent your capital's committed! + +Chorus: No, nobody can know, etc. + + If you come to grief, and creditors are craving + (For nothing that is planned by mortal head + Is certain in this Vale of Sorrow--saving + That one's Liability is Limited),-- + Do you suppose that signifies perdition? + If so, you're but a monetary dunce-- + You merely file a Winding-Up Petition, + And start another Company at once! + Though a Rothschild you may be + In your own capacity, + As a Company you've come to utter sorrow-- + But the Liquidators say, + "Never mind--you needn't pay," + So you start another company to-morrow! + +Chorus: But the liquidators say, etc. + +King: Well, at first sight it strikes us as dishonest, + But if its's good enough for virtuous England-- + The first commercial country in the world-- + It's good enough for us. + +Sca., Phan., Tar. (aside to the King) + You'd best take care-- + Please recollect we have not been consulted. + +King: And do I understand that Great Britain + Upon this Joint Stock principle is governed? + +Mr. G.: We haven't come to that, exactly--but + We're tending rapidly in that direction. + The date's not distant. + +King: (enthusiastically) We will be before you! + We'll go down in posterity renowned + As the First Sovereign in Christendom + Who registered his Crown and Country under + The Joint Stock Company's Act of Sixty-Two. + +All: Ulahlica! + + SOLO -- King + + Henceforward, of a verity, + With Fame ourselves we link-- + We'll go down to Posterity + Of sovereigns all the pink! + +Sca., Phan., Tar.: (aside to King) + If you've the mad temerity + Our wishes thus to blink, + You'll go down to Posterity, + Much earlier than you think! + +Tar.: (correcting them) + + He'll go up to Posterity, + If I inflict the blow! + +Sca., Phan.: (angrily) + + He'll go down to Posterity-- + We think we ought to know! + +Tar.: (explaining) He'll go up to Posterity, + Blown up with dynamite! + +Sca., Phan.: (apologetically) + + He'll go up to Posterity, + Of course he will, you're right! + + ENSEMBLE + + King, Lady Sophy, Nek., Sca., Phan, and Tar Fitz. and +Zara (aside) + Kal., Calynx and Chorus (aside) + +Henceforward of a verity, If he has the temerity Who love +with all sincerity; + With fame ourselves we Our wishes thus to blink Their +lives may safely link. + link-- +And go down to Posterity, He'll go up to Posterity And as for +our posterity + Of sovereigns all pink! Much earlier than they We don't +care what they think! + think! + + CHORUS + + Let's seal this mercantile pact-- + The step we ne'er shall rue-- + It gives whatever we lacked-- + The statement's strictly true. + All hail, astonishing Fact! + All hail, Invention new-- + The Joint Stock Company's Act-- + The Act of Sixty-Two! + + END OF ACT I + + ACT II + + +Scene -- Throne Room in the Palace. Night. Fitzbattleaxe +discovered, + singing to Zara. + + RECITATIVE -- Fitzbattleaxe. + + Oh, Zara, my beloved one, bear with me! + Ah, do not laugh at my attempted C! + Repent not, mocking maid, thy girlhood's choice-- + The fervour of my love affects my voice! + + SONG -- Fitzbattleaxe. + + A tenor, all singers above + (This doesn't admit of a question), + Should keep himself quiet, + Attend to his diet + And carefully nurse his digestion; + But when he is madly in love + It's certain to tell on his singing-- + You can't do the proper chromatics + With proper emphatics + When anguish your bosom is wringing! + When distracted with worries in plenty, + And his pulse is a hundred and twenty, + And his fluttering bosom the slave of mistrust is, + A tenor can't do himself justice, + Now observe--(sings a high note), + You see, I can't do myself justice! + I could sing if my fervour were mock, + It's easy enough if you're acting-- + But when one's emotion + Is born of devotion + You mustn't be over-exacting. + One ought to be firm as a rock + To venture a shake in vibrato, + When fervour's expected + Keep cool and collected + Or never attempt agitato. + But, of course, when his tongue is of leather, + And his lips appear pasted together, + And his sensitive palate as dry as a crust is, + A tenor can't do himself justice. + Now observe--(sings a high note), + It's no use--I can't do myself justice! + +Zara: Why, Arthur, what does it matter? When the higher +qualities + of the heart are all that can be desired, the higher +notes + of the voice are matters of comparative insignificance. +Who + thinks slightingly of the cocoanut because it is husky? +Be- + sides (demurely), you are not singing for an engagement + (putting her hand in his), you have that already! + +Fitz.: How good and wise you are! How unerringly your practiced + brain winnows the wheat from the chaff--the material from + the merely incidental! + +Zara: My Girton training, Arthur. At Girton all is wheat, and + idle chaff is never heard within its walls! But tell me, +is + not all working marvelously well? Have not our Flowers +of + Progress more than justified their name? + +Fitz.: We have indeed done our best. Captain Corcoran and I +have, + in concert, thoroughly remodeled the sister-services--and + upon so sound a basis that the South Pacific trembles at +the + name of Utopia! + +Zara: How clever of you! + +Fitz.: Clever? Not a bit. It's easy as possible when the +Admiral- + ty and Horse Guards are not there to interfere. And so +with + the others. Freed from the trammels imposed upon them by + idle Acts of Parliament, all have given their natural +tal- + ents full play and introduced reforms which, even in Eng- + land, were never dreamt of! + +Zara: But perhaps the most beneficent changes of all has been +ef- + fected by Mr. Goldbury, who, discarding the exploded +theory + that some strange magic lies hidden in the number Seven, +has + applied the Limited Liability principle to individuals, +and + every man, woman, and child is now a Company Limited with + liability restricted to the amount of his declared +Capital! + There is not a christened baby in Utopia who has not +already + issued his little Prospectus! + +Fitz.: Marvelous is the power of a Civilization which can trans- + mute, by a word, a Limited Income into an Income Limited. + +Zara: Reform has not stopped here--it has been applied even to +the + costume of our people. Discarding their own barbaric +dress, + the natives of our land have unanimously adopted the +taste- + ful fashions of England in all their rich entirety. +Scaphio + and Phantis have undertaken a contract to supply the +whole + of Utopia with clothing designed upon the most approved + English models--and the first Drawing-Room under the new + state of things is to be held here this evening. + +Fitz.: But Drawing-Rooms are always held in the afternoon. + +Zara: Ah, we've improved upon that. We all look so much better +by + candlelight! And when I tell you, dearest, that my Court + train has just arrived, you will understand that I am +long- + ing to go and try it on. + +Fitz.: Then we must part? + +Zara: Necessarily, for a time. + +Fitz.: Just as I wanted to tell you, with all the passionate +enthu- + siasm of my nature, how deeply, how devotedly I love you! + +Zara: Hush! Are these the accents of a heart that really +feels? + True love does not indulge in declamation--its voice is + sweet, and soft, and low. The west wind whispers when he + woos the poplars! + + DUET -- Zara and Fitzbattleaxe. + +Zara: Words of love too loudly spoken + Ring their own untimely knell; + Noisy vows are rudely broken, + Soft the song of Philomel. + Whisper sweetly, whisper slowly, + Hour by hour and day by day; + Sweet and low as accents holy + Are the notes of lover's lay. + +Both: Sweet and low, etc. + +Fitz: Let the conqueror, flushed with glory, + Bid his noisy clarions bray; + Lovers tell their artless story + In a whispered virelay. + False is he whose vows alluring + Make the listening echoes ring; + Sweet and low when all-enduring + Are the songs that lovers sing! + +Both: Sweet and low, etc. + + (Exit Zara. Enter King dressed as Field-Marshal.) + +King: To a Monarch who has been accustomed to the uncontrolled +use + of his limbs, the costume of a British Field-Marshal is, + perhaps, at first, a little cramping. Are you sure that + this is all right? It's not a practical joke, is it? No + one has a keener sense of humor than I have, but the +First + Statutory Cabinet Council of Utopia Limited must be +conduct- + ed with dignity and impressiveness. Now, where are the + other five who signed the Articles of Association? + +Fitz.: Sir, they are here. + +(Enter Lord Dramaleigh, Captain Corcoran, Sir Bailey Barre, Mr. +Blushington, and + Mr. Goldbury from different entrances.) + +King: Oh! (Addressing them) Gentlemen, our daughter holds her + first Drawing-Room in half an hour, and we shall have +time + to make our half-yearly report in the interval. I am +neces- + sarily unfamiliar with the forms of an English Cabinet + Council--perhaps the Lord Chamberlain will kindly put us +in + the way of doing the thing properly, and with due regard +to + the solemnity of the occasion. + +Lord D.: Certainly--nothing simpler. Kindly bring your chairs + forward--His Majesty will, of course, preside. + +(They range their chairs across stage like Christy Minstrels. King + sits center, Lord Dramaleigh on his left, Mr. Goldbury on his +right, + Captain Corcoran left of Lord Dramaleigh, Captain +Fitzbattleaxe right of + Mr. Goldbury, Mr. Blushington extreme right, Sir Bailey Barre +extreme + left.) + +King: Like this? + +Lord D.: Like this. + +King: We take your word for it that this is all right. You are + not making fun of us? This is in accordance with the +prac- + tice at the Court of St. James's? + +Lord D.: Well, it is in accordance with the practice at the Court +of + St. James's Hall. + +King: Oh! it seems odd, but never mind. + + SONG -- King. + + Society has quite forsaken all her wicked courses. + Which empties our police courts, and abolishes divorces. + +Chorus: Divorce is nearly obsolete in England. + +King: No tolerance we show to undeserving rank and splendour; + For the higher his position is, the greater the offender. + +Chorus: That's maxim that is prevalent in England. + +King: No peeress at our drawing-room before the Presence passes + Who wouldn't be accepted by the lower middle-classes. + Each shady dame, whatever be her rank, is bowed out +neatly. + +Chorus: In short, this happy country has been Anglicized +completely + Is really is surprising + What a thorough Anglicizing + We have brought about--Utopia's quite another land; + In her enterprising movements, + She is England--with improvements, + Which we dutifully offer to our mother-land! + +King: Our city we have beautified--we've done it willy-nilly-- + And all that isn't Belgrave Square is Strand and +Piccadilly. + +Chorus: We haven't any slummeries in England! + +King: The chamberlain our native stage has purged beyond a +ques- + tion. + Of "risky" situation and indelicate suggestion; + No piece is tolerated if it's costumed indiscreetly-- + +Chorus: In short this happy country has been Anglicized com- + pletely! + It really is surprising, etc. + +King: Our peerage we've remodelled on an intellectual basis, + Which certainly is rough on our hereditary races-- + +Chorus: We are going to remodel it in England. + +King: The Brewers and the Cotton Lords no longer seek +admission, + And literary merit meets with proper recognition-- + +Chorus: As literary merit does in England! + +King: Who knows but we may count among our intellectual +chickens + Like you, an Earl of Thackery and p'r'aps a Duke of + Dickens-- + Lord Fildes and Viscount Millais (when they come) we'll + welcome sweetly-- + +Chorus: In short, this happy country has been Anglicized +completely! + It really is surprising, etc. + + (At the end all rise and replace their chairs.) + +King: Now, then for our first Drawing-Room. Where are the +Prin- + cesses? What an extraordinary thing it is that since +Euro- + pean looking-glasses have been supplied to the Royal bed- + rooms my daughters are invariably late! + +Lord D.: Sir, their Royal Highnesses await your pleasure in the + Ante-room. + +King: Oh. Then request them to do us the favor to enter at +once. + +(Enter all the Royal Household, including (besides the Lord +Chamber- + lain) the Vice-Chamberlain, the Master of the Horse, the +Master + of the Buckhounds, the Lord High Treasurer, the Lord Steward, +the + Comptroller of the Household, the Lord-in-Waiting, the Field + Officer in Brigade Waiting, the Gold and Silver Stick, and the + Gentlemen Ushers. Then enter the three Princesses (their +trains + carried by Pages of Honor), Lady Sophy, and the + Ladies-in-Waiting.) + +King: My daughters, we are about to attempt a very solemn +ceremo- + nial, so no giggling, if you please. Now, my Lord +Chamber- + lain, we are ready. + +Lord D.: Then, ladies and gentlemen, places, if you please. His +Maj- + esty will take his place in front of the throne, and will +be + so obliging as to embrace all the debutantes. (LADY +SOPHY + much shocked.) + +King: What--must I really? + +Lord D.: Absolutely indispensable. + +King: More jam for the Palace Peeper! + +(The King takes his place in front of the throne, the Princess Zara +on + his left, the two younger Princesses on the left of Zara.) + +King: Now, is every one in his place? + +Lord D.: Every one is in his place. + +King: Then let the revels commence. + +(Enter the ladies attending the Drawing-Room. They give their +cards + to the Groom-in-Waiting, who passes them to the +Lord-in-Waiting, + who passes them to the Vice-Chamberlain, who passes them to +the + Lord Chamberlain, who reads the names to the King as each lady + approaches. The ladies curtsey in succession to the King and +the + three Princesses, and pass out. When all the presentations +have + been accomplished, the King, Princesses, and Lady Sophy come + forward, and all the ladies re-enter.) + + RECITATIVE -- King + + This ceremonial our wish displays + To copy all Great Britain's courtly ways. + Though lofty aims catastrophe entail, + We'll gloriously succeed or nobly fail! + + UNACCOMPANIED CHORUS + + Eagle High in Cloudland soaring-- + Sparrow twittering on a reed-- + Tiger in the jungle roaring-- + Frightened fawn in grassy mead-- + Let the eagle, not the sparrow, + Be the object of your arrow-- + Fix the tiger with your eye-- + Pass the fawn in pity by. + Glory then will crown the day-- + Glory, glory, anyway! + + Exit +all. + +Enter Scaphio and Phantis, now dressed as judges in red and ermine +robes + and undress wigs. They come down stage melodramatically -- + working together. + + DUET -- Scaphio and Phantis. + +Sca.: With fury deep we burn + +Phan.: We do-- + +Sca.: We fume with smothered rage-- + +Phan.: We do-- + +Sca.: These Englishmen who rule supreme, + Their undertaking they redeem + By stifling every harmless scheme + In which we both engage-- + +Phan.: They do-- + +Sca.: In which we both engage-- + +Phan.: We think it is our turn-- + +Sca.: We do-- + +Phan.: We think our turn has come-- + +Sca.: We do. + +Phan.: These Englishmen, they must prepare + To seek at once their native air. + The King as heretofore, we swear, + Shall be beneath our thumb-- + +Sca.: He shall-- + +Phan.: Shall be beneath out thumb-- + +Sca.: He shall. + +Both: (with great energy) + For this mustn't be, and this won't do. + If you'll back me, then I'll back you, + No, this won't do, + No, this mustn't be. + With fury deep we burn... + + Enter the King. + +King: Gentlemen, gentlemen--really! This unseemly display of + energy within the Royal precincts is altogether unpardon- + able. Pray, what do you complain of? + +Scaphio: (furiously) What do we complain of? Why, through the + innovations introduced by the Flowers of Progress all our + harmless schemes for making a provision for our old age +are + ruined. Our Matrimonial Agency is at a standstill, our + Cheap Sherry business is in bankruptcy, our Army Clothing + contracts are paralyzed, and even our Society paper, the + Palace Peeper, is practically defunct! + +King: Defunct? Is that so? Dear, dear, I am truly sorry. + +Scaphio: Are you aware that Sir Bailey Barre has introduced a law +of + libel by which all editors of scurrilous newspapers are +pub- + licly flogged--as in England? And six of our editors +have + resigned in succession! Now, the editor of a scurrilous + paper can stand a good deal--he takes a private thrashing +as + a matter of course--it's considered in his salary--but no + gentleman likes to be publicly flogged. + +King: Naturally. I shouldn't like it myself. + +Phantis: Then our Burlesque Theater is absolutely ruined! + +King: Dear me. Well, theatrical property is not what it was. + +Phantis: Are you aware that the Lord Chamberlain, who has his own + views as to the best means of elevating the national +drama, + has declined to license any play that is not in blank +verse + and three hundred years old--as in England? + +Scaphio: And as if that wasn't enough, the County Councillor has +or- + dered a four-foot wall to be built up right across the + proscenium, in case of fire--as in England. + +Phantis: It's so hard on the company--who are liable to be roasted + alive--and this has to be met by enormously increased + salaries--as in England. + +Scaphio: You probably know that we've contracted to supply the +entire + nation with a complete English outfit. But perhaps you +do + not know that, when we send in our bills, our customers + plead liability limited to a declared capital of + eighteenpence, and apply to be dealt with under the + Winding-up Act--as in England? + +King: Really, gentlemen, this is very irregular. If you will +be + so good as to formulate a detailed list of your +grievances + in writing, addressed to the Secretary of Utopia Limited, + they will be laid before the Board, in due course, at +their + next monthly meeting. + +Scaphio: Are we to understand that we are defied? + +King: That is the idea I intended to convey. + +Phantis: Defied! We are defied! + +Scaphio: (furiously) Take care--you know our powers. Trifle with + us, and you die! + + TRIO -- Scaphio, Phantis, and King. + +Sca.: If you think that, when banded in unity, + We may both be defied with impunity, + You are sadly misled of a verity! + +Phan.: If you value repose and tranquility, + You'll revert to a state of docility, + Or prepare to regret your temerity! + +King.: If my speech is unduly refractory + You will find it a course satisfactory + At an early Board meeting to show it up. + Though if proper excuse you can trump any, + You may wind up a Limited Company, + You cannot conveniently blow it up! + + (Scaphio and Phantis thoroughly baffled) + +King.: (Dancing quietly) + Whene'er I chance to baffle you + I, also, dance a step or two-- + Of this now guess the hidden sense: + +(Scaphio and Phantis consider the question as King continues +dancing + quietly--then give it up.) + + It means complete indifference! + +Sca. and Phan.: Of course it does--indifference! + It means complete indifference! + +(King dancing quietly. Sca. and Phan. dancing furiously.) + +Sca. and Phan.: As we've a dance for every mood + With pas de trois we will conclude, + What this may mean you all may guess-- + It typifies remorselessness! + +King.: It means unruffled cheerfulness! + +(King dances off placidly as Scaphio and Phantis dance furiously.) + +Phantis: (breathless) He's right--we are helpless! He's no +longer a + human being--he's a Corporation, and so long as he +confines + himself to his Articles of Association we can't touch +him! + What are we to do? + +Scaphio: Do? Raise a Revolution, repeal the Act of Sixty-Two, +recon- + vert him into an individual, and insist on his immediate +ex- + plosion! (Tarara enters.) Tarara, come here; you're the + very man we want. + +Tarara: Certainly, allow me. (Offers a cracker to each; they +snatch + them away impatiently.) That's rude. + +Scaphio: We have no time for idle forms. You wish to succeed to +the + throne? + +Tarara: Naturally. + +Scaphio: Then you won't unless you join us. The King has defied +us, + and, as matters stand, we are helpless. So are you. We + must devise some plot at once to bring the people about +his + ears. + +Tarara: A plot? + +Phantis: Yes, a plot of superhuman subtlety. Have you such a +thing + about you? + +Tarara: (feeling) No, I think not. No. There's one on my + dressing-table. + +Scaphio: We can't wait--we must concoct one at once, and put it +into + execution without delay. There is not a moment to spare! + + TRIO -- Scaphio, Phantis, and Tarara. + + Ensemble + + With wily brain upon the spot + A private plot we'll plan, + The most ingenious private plot + Since private plots began. + That's understood. So far we've got + And, striking while the iron's hot, + We'll now determine like a shot + The details of this private plot. + +Sca.: I think we ought--(whispers) +Phan. and Tar.: Such bosh I never heard! +Phan.: Ah! happy thought!--(whispers) +Sca. and Tar.: How utterly dashed absurd! +Tar.: I'll tell you how--(whispers) +Sca and Phan.: Why, what put that in your head? +Sca.: I've got it now--(whispers) +Phan. and Tar.: Oh, take him away to bed! +Phan.: Oh, put him to bed! +Tar.: Oh, put him to bed! +Sca.: What, put me to bed? +Phan. and Tar.: Yes, certainly put him to bed! +Sca.: But, bless me, don't you see-- +Phan.: Do listen to me, I pray-- +Tar.: It certainly seems to me-- +Sca.: Bah--this is the only way! +Phan.: It's rubbish absurd you growl! +Tar.: You talk ridiculous stuff! +Sca.: You're a drivelling barndoor owl! +Phan.: You're a vapid and vain old muff! + + (All, coming down to audience.) + + So far we haven't quite solved the plot-- + They're not a very ingenious lot-- + But don't be unhappy, + It's still on the tapis, + We'll presently hit on a capital plot! + +Sca.: Suppose we all--(whispers) +Phan.: Now there I think you're right. + Then we might all--(whispers) +Tar.: That's true, we certainly might. + I'll tell you what--(whispers) +Sca.: We will if we possibly can. + Then on the spot-- (whispers) +Phan. and Tar.: Bravo! A capital plan! +Sca.: That's exceedingly neat and new! +Phan.: Exceedingly new and neat. +Tar.: I fancy that that will do. +Sca.: It's certainly very complete. +Phan.: Well done you sly old sap! +Tar.: Bravo, you cunning old mole! +Sca.: You very ingenious chap! +Phan.: You intellectual soul! + + (All, coming down and addressing audience.) + + At last a capital plan we've got + We won't say how and we won't say what: + It's safe in my noddle-- + Now off we will toddle, + And slyly develop this capital plot! + +(Business. Exeunt Scaphio and Phantis in one direction, and Tarara +in +the other.) + + (Enter Lord Dramaleigh and Mr. Goldbury.) + +Lord D.: Well, what do you think of our first South Pacific + Drawing-Room? Allowing for a slight difficulty with the + trains, and a little want of familiarity with the use of +the + rouge-pot, it was, on the whole, a meritorious affair? + +Gold.: My dear Dramaleigh, it redounds infinitely to your +credit. + +Lord D.: One or two judicious innovations, I think? + +Gold.: Admirable. The cup of tea and the plate of mixed +biscuits + were a cheap and effective inspiration. + +Lord D.: Yes--my idea entirely. Never been done before. + +Gold.: Pretty little maids, the King's youngest daughters, but + timid. + +Lord D.: That'll wear off. Young. + +Gold.: That'll wear off. Ha! here they come, by George! And +with- + out the Dragon! What can they have done with her? + + (Enter Nekaya and Kalyba timidly.) + +Nekaya: Oh, if you please, Lady Sophy has sent us in here, +because + Zara and Captain Fitzbattleaxe are going on, in the +garden, + in a manner which no well-conducted young ladies ought to + witness. + +Lord D.: Indeed, we are very much obliged to her Ladyship. + +Kalyba: Are you? I wonder why. + +Nekaya: Don't tell us if it's rude. + +Lord D.: Rude? Not at all. We are obliged to Lady Sophy because +she + has afforded us the pleasure of seeing you. + +Nekaya: I don't think you ought to talk to us like that. + +Kalyba: It's calculated to turn our heads. + +Nekaya: Attractive girls cannot be too particular. + +Kalyba: Oh pray, pray do not take advantage of our unprotected +inno- + cence. + +Gold.: Pray be reassured--you are in no danger whatever. + +Lord D.: But may I ask--is this extreme delicacy--this shrinking + sensitiveness--a general characteristic of Utopian young + ladies? + +Nekaya: Oh no; we are crack specimens. + +Kalyba: We are the pick of the basket. Would you mind not coming + quite so near? Thank you. + +Nekaya: And please don't look at us like that; it unsettles us. + +Kalyba: And we don't like it. At least, we do like it; but it's + wrong. + +Nekaya: We have enjoyed the inestimable privilege of being +educated + by a most refined and easily shocked English lady, on the + very strictest English principles. + +Gold.: But, my dear young ladies--- + +Kalyba: Oh, don't! You mustn't. It's too affectionate. + +Nekaya: It really does unsettle us. + +Gold.: Are you really under the impression that English girls +are + so ridiculously demure? Why, an English girl of the +highest + type is the best, the most beautiful, the bravest, and +the + brightest creature that Heaven has conferred upon this +world + of ours. She is frank, open-hearted, and fearless, and + never shows in so favorable a light as when she gives her + own blameless impulses full play! + +Nekaya Oh, you shocking story! +and +Kalyba: + +Gold.: Not at all. I'm speaking the strict truth. I'll tell +you + all about her. + + SONG -- Mr. Goldbury. + + A wonderful joy our eyes to bless, + In her magnificent comeliness, + Is an English girl of eleven stone two, + And five foot ten in her dancing shoe! + She follows the hounds, and on the pounds-- + The "field" tails off and the muffs diminish-- + + Over the hedges and brooks she bounds, + Straight as a crow, from find to finish. + At cricket, her kin will lose or win-- + She and her maids, on grass and clover, + Eleven maids out--eleven maids in-- + And perhaps an occasional "maiden over!" + + Go search the world and search the sea, + Then come you home and sing with me + There's no such gold and no such pearl + As a bright and beautiful English girl! + + With a ten-mile spin she stretches her limbs, + She golfs, she punts, she rows, she swims-- + She plays, she sings, she dances, too, + From ten or eleven til all is blue! + At ball or drum, til small hours come + (Chaperon's fans concealing her yawning) + She'll waltz away like a teetotum. + And never go home til daylight's dawning. + Lawn-tennis may share her favours fair-- + Her eyes a-dance, and her cheeks a-glowing-- + Down comes her hair, but then what does she care? + It's all her own and it's worth the showing! + Go search the world, etc. + + Her soul is sweet as the ocean air, + For prudery knows no haven there; + To find mock-modesty, please apply + To the conscious blush and the downcast eye. + Rich in the things contentment brings, + In every pure enjoyment wealthy, + Blithe and beautiful bird she sings, + For body and mind are hale and healthy. + Her eyes they thrill with right goodwill-- + Her heart is light as a floating feather-- + As pure and bright as the mountain rill + That leaps and laughs in the Highland heather! + Go search the world, etc. + + QUARTET + +Nek.: Then I may sing and play? + +Lord D.: You may! + +Kal.: Then I may laugh and shout? + +Gold.: No doubt!. + +Nek.: These maxims you endorse? + +Lord D.: Of course! + +Kal.: You won't exclaim "Oh fie!" + +Gold.: Not I! + +Gold: Whatever you are--be that: + Whatever you say--be true: + Straightforwardly act-- + Be honest--in fact, + Be nobody else but you. + +Lord D.: Give every answer pat-- + Your character true unfurl; + And when it is ripe, + You'll then be a type + Of a capital English girl. + +All.: Oh sweet surprise--oh, dear delight, + To find it undisputed quite, + All musty, fusty rules despite + That Art is wrong and Nature right! + +Nek.: When happy I, + With laughter glad + I'll wake the echoes fairly, + And only sigh + When I am sad-- + And that will be but rarely! + +Kal.: I'll row and fish, + And gallop, soon-- + No longer be a prim one-- + And when I wish + To hum a tune, + It needn't be a hymn one? + +Gold and Lord D.: No, no! + It needn't be a hymn one! + +All (dancing): Oh, sweet surprise and dear delight + To find it undisputed quite-- + All musty, fusty rules despite-- + That Art is wrong and Nature right! + + (Dance, and +off) + (Enter Lady Sophy) + + RECITATIVE -- Lady Sophy. + + Oh, would some demon power the gift impart + To quell my over-conscientious heart-- + Unspeak the oaths that never had been spoken, + And break the vows that never should be broken! + + SONG -- Lady Sophy + + When but a maid of fifteen year, + Unsought--unplighted-- + Short petticoated--and, I fear, + Still shorter-sighted-- + I made a vow, one early spring, + That only to some spotless King + Who proof of blameless life could bring + I'd be united. + For I had read, not long before, + Of blameless kings in fairy lore, + And thought the race still flourished here-- + Well, well-- + I was a maid of fifteen year! + +(The King enters and overhears this verse) + + Each morning I pursued my game + (An early riser); + For spotless monarchs I became + An advertiser: + But all in vain I searched each land, + So, kingless, to my native strand + Returned, a little older, and + A good deal wiser! + + I learnt that spotless King and Prince + Have disappeared some ages since-- + Even Paramount's angelic grace-- + Ah me!-- + Is but a mask on Nature's face! +(King comes forward) + +King: Ah, Lady Sophy--then you love me! + For so you sing-- + +Lady S.: (Indignant and surprise. Producing "Palace Peeper") + No, by the stars that shine above me, + Degraded King! + For while these rumours, through the city bruited, + Remain uncontradicted, unrefuted, + The object thou of my aversion rooted, + Repulsive thing! + +King: Be just--the time is now at hand + When truth may published be. + These paragraphs were written and + Contributed by me! + +Lady S.: By you? No, no! + +King: Yes, yes. I swear, by me! + I, caught in Scaphio's ruthless toil, + Contributed the lot! + +Lady S.: That that is why you did not boil + The author on the spot! + +King: And that is why I did not boil + The author on the spot! + +Lady S.: I couldn't think why you did not boil! + +King: But I know why I did not boil + The author on the spot! + + DUET -- Lady Sophy and King + +Lady S.: Oh, the rapture unrestrained + Of a candid retractation! + For my sovereign has deigned + A convincing explanation-- + And the clouds that gathered o'er + All have vanished in the distance, + And the Kings of fairy lore + One, at least, is in existence! + +King: Oh, the skies are blue above, + And the earth is red and rosal, + Now the lady of my love + Has accepted my proposal! + For that asinorum pons + I have crossed without assistance, + And of prudish paragons + One, at least, is in existence! + +(King and Lady Sophy dance gracefully. While this is going on Lord + Dramaleigh enters unobserved with Nekaya and Capt. +Fitzbattleaxe. The + two girls direct Zara's attention to the King and Lady Sophy, +who + are still dancing affectionately together. At this point the + King kisses Lady Sophy, which causes the Princesses to make an + exclamation. The King and Lady Sophy are at first much +confused at + being detected, but eventually throw off all reserve, and the + four couples break into a wild Tarantella, and at the end +exeunt + severally.) + +Enter all the male Chorus, in great excitement, for various +entrances, + led by Scaphio, Phantis, and Tarara, and followed by the +female + Chorus. + + CHORUS. + + Upon our sea-girt land + At our enforced command + Reform has laid her hand + Like some remorseless ogress-- + And made us darkly rue + The deeds she dared to do-- + And all is owing to + Those hated Flowers of Progress! + + So down with them! + So down with them! + Reform's a hated ogress. + So down with them! + So down with them! + Down with the Flowers of Progress! + +(Flourish. Enter King, his three daughters, Lady Sophy, and the +Flowers + of Progress.) + +King: What means this most unmannerly irruption? + Is this your gratitude for boons conferred? + +Scaphio: Boons? Bah! A fico for such boons, say we! + These boons have brought Utopia to a standstill! + Our pride and boast--the Army and the Navy-- + Have both been reconstructed and remodeled + Upon so irresistible a basis + That all the neighboring nations have disarmed-- + And War's impossible! Your County Councillor + Has passed such drastic Sanitary laws + That all doctors dwindle, starve, and die! + The laws, remodeled by Sir Bailey Barre, + Have quite extinguished crime and litigation: + The lawyers starve, and all the jails are let + As model lodgings for the working-classes! + In short--Utopia, swamped by dull Prosperity, + Demands that these detested Flowers of Progress + Be sent about their business, and affairs + Restored to their original complexion! + +King: (to Zara) My daughter, this is a very unpleasant state +of + things. What is to be done? + +Zara: I don't know--I don't understand it. We must have +omitted + something. + +King: Omitted something? Yes, that's all very well, but--- +(Sir + Bailey Barre whispers to Zara.) + +Zara: (suddenly) Of course! Now I remember! Why, I had +forgot- + ten the most essential element of all! + +King: And that is?--- + +Zara: Government by Party! Introduce that great and glorious + element--at once the bulwark and foundation of England's + greatness--and all will be well! No political measures +will + endure, because one Party will assuredly undo all that +the + other Party has done; and while grouse is to be shot, and + foxes worried to death, the legislative action of the +coun- + try will be at a standstill. Then there will be sickness +in + plenty, endless lawsuits, crowded jails, interminable +confu- + sion in the Army and Navy, and, in short, general and +unex- + ampled prosperity! + +All: Ulahlica! Ulahlica! + +Phantis: (aside) Baffled! + +Scaphio: But an hour will come! + +King: Your hour has come already--away with them, and let them + wait my will! (Scaphio and Phantis are led off in +custody.) + From this moment Government by Party is adopted, with all + its attendant blessings; and henceforward Utopia will no + longer be a Monarchy Limited, but, what is a great deal + better, a Limited Monarchy! + + FINALE + +Zara: There's a little group of isles beyond the wave-- + So tiny, you might almost wonder where it is-- + That nation is the bravest of the brave, + And cowards are the rarest of all rarities. + The proudest nations kneel at her command; + She terrifies all foreign-born rapscallions; + And holds the peace of Europe in her hand + With half a score invincible battalions! + + Such, at least, is the tale + Which is born on the gale, + From the island which dwells in the sea. + Let us hope, for her sake + That she makes no mistake-- + That she's all the professes to be! + +King: Oh, may we copy all her maxims wise, + And imitate her virtues and her charities; + And may we, by degrees, acclimatize + Her Parliamentary peculiarities! + By doing so, we shall in course of time, + Regenerate completely our entire land-- + Great Britain is the monarchy sublime, + To which some add (others do not) Ireland. + Such at least is the tale, etc. + + CURTAIN. + + + THE YEOMEN OF THE GUARD + + or + + The Merryman and His Maid + + + Book by + W.S. GILBERT + + Music by + ARTHUR SULLIVAN + + + First produced at the Savoy Theatre in London, England, + on October 3, 1888. + + THE YEOMEN OF THE GUARD + DRAMATIS PERSONAE + + +SIR RICHARD CHOLMONDELEY [pronounced Chum'lee] + (Lieutenant of the Tower) Baritone + +COLONEL FAIRFAX (under sentence of death) Tenor + +SERGEANT MERYLL (of the Yeomen of the Guard) Bass/Baritone + +LEONARD MERYLL (his son) Tenor + +JACK POINT (a Strolling Jester) Light Baritone + +WILFRED SHADBOLT + (Head Jailer and Assistant Tormentor) Bass/Baritone + +THE HEADSMAN Non-singing + +FIRST YEOMAN Baritone + +SECOND YEOMAN Tenor + +THIRD YEOMAN [optional] Baritone + +FOURTH YEOMAN [optional] Tenor + +FIRST CITIZEN Chorus + +SECOND CITIZEN Chorus + +ELSIE MAYNARD (a Strolling Singer) Soprano + +PHOEBE MERYLL (Sergeant Meryll's Daughter) Mezzo-Soprano + +DAME CARRUTHERS (Housekeeper to the Tower) Contralto + +KATE (her Niece) Soprano + + +Chorus of YEOMEN of the Guard, GENTLEMEN, CITIZENS, etc. + + + SCENE: Tower Green + + 16th Century + + ACT I + + [Scene.-- Tower Green] + + [Phoebe discovered spinning. + + No. 1. When maiden loves, she sits and sighs + (INTRODUCTION and SONG) + Phoebe + +PHOEBE When maiden loves, she sits and sighs, + She wanders to and fro; + Unbidden tear-drops fill her eyes, + And to all questions she replies, + With a sad "Heigh-ho!" + + 'Tis but a little word--"Heigh-ho!" + So soft, 'tis scarcely heard--"Heigh-ho!" + An idle breath-- + Yet life and death + May hang upon a maid's "Heigh-ho!" + + When maiden loves, she mopes apart, + As owl mopes on a tree; + Although she keenly feels the smart, + She cannot tell what ails her heart, + With its sad "Ah, me!" + + 'Tis but a foolish sigh--"Ah, me!" + Born but to droop and die--"Ah, me!" + Yet all the sense + Of eloquence + Lies hidden in a maid's "Ah, me!" + + Yet all the sense + Of eloquence + Lies hidden in a maid's "Ah, me!" + "Ah, me!", "Ah, me!" + + Yet all the sense + Of eloquence + Lies hidden in a maid's "Ah, me!" + + [PHOEBE weeps + + [Enter WILFRED + +WILFRED Mistress Meryll! + +PHOEBE [looking up] Eh! Oh! it's you, is it? You may go + away,if you like. Because I don't want you, you know. + +WILFRED Haven't you anything to say to me? + +PHOEBE Oh yes! Are the birds all caged? The wild beasts all + littered down? All the locks, chains, bolts, and bars + in good order? Is the Little Ease sufficiently + comfortable? The racks, pincers, and thumbscrews all + ready for work? Ugh! you brute! + +WILFRED These allusions to my professional duties are in + doubtful taste. I didn't become a head-jailer because + I like head-jailing. I didn't become an assistant- + tormentor because I like assistant-tormenting. We + can't all be sorcerers, you know. [PHOEBE is annoyed] + Ah! you brought that upon yourself. + +PHOEBE Colonel Fairfax is not a sorcerer. He's a man of + science and an alchemist. + +WILFRED Well, whatever he is, he won't be one for long, for + he's to be beheaded to-day for dealings with the + devil. His master nearly had him last night, when the + fire broke out in the Beauchamp [pronounced Bee'cham] + Tower. + +PHOEBE Oh! how I wish he had escaped in the confusion! But + take care; there's still time for a reply to his + petition for mercy. + +WILFRED Ah! I'm content to chance that. This evening at half- + past seven-- ah! [Gesture of chopping off a head.] + +PHOEBE You're a cruel monster to speak so unfeelingly of the + death of a young and handsome soldier. + +WILFRED Young and handsome! How do you know he's young and + handsome? + +PHOEBE Because I've seen him every day for weeks past taking + his exercise on the Beauchamp [pronounced Bee'cham] + Tower. + +WILFRED Curse him! + +PHOEBE There, I believe you're jealous of him, now. Jealous + of a man I've never spoken to! Jealous of a poor soul + who's to die in an hour! + +WILFRED I am! I'm jealous of everybody and everything. I'm + jealous of the very words I speak to you-- because they + reach your ears-- and I mustn't go near 'em! + +PHOEBE How unjust you are! Jealous of the words you speak to + me! Why, you know as well as I do that I don't even + like them. + +WILFRED You used to like 'em. + +PHOEBE I used to pretend I like them. It was mere politeness + to comparative strangers. + + [Exit PHOEBE, with spinning wheel + +WILFRED I don't believe you know what jealousy is! I don't + believe you know how it eats into a man's heart-- and + disorders his digestion-- and turns his interior into + boiling lead. Oh, you are a heartless jade to trifle + with the delicate organization of the human interior. + + No. 1A. When jealous torments + (OPTIONAL SONG) + Wilfred + +WILFRED When jealous torments rack my soul, + My agonies I can't control, + Oh, better sit on red hot coal + Than love a heartless jade. + + The red hot coal will hurt no doubt, + But red hot coals in time die out, + But jealousy you can not rout, + Its fires will never fade. + + It's much less painful on the whole + To go and sit on red hot coal + 'Til you're completely flayed, + Or ask a kindly friend to crack + Your wretched bones upon the rack + Than love a heartless jade, + Than love a heartless jade. + + The kerchief on your neck of snow + I look on as a deadly foe, + It goeth where I dare not go + And stops there all day long. + + The belt that holds you in its grasp + Is to my peace of mind a rasp, + It claspeth what I can not clasp, + Correct me if I'm wrong. + + It's much less painful on the whole + To go and sit on red hot coal + 'Til you're completely flayed, + Or ask a kindly friend to crack + Your wretched bones upon the rack + Than love a heartless jade, + Than love a heartless jade. + + The bird that breakfasts on your lip, + I would I had him in my grip, + He sippeth where I dare not sip, + I can't get over that. + + The cat you fondle soft and sly, + He layeth where I dare not lie. + We're not on terms, that cat and I. + I do not like that cat. + + It's much less painful on the whole + To go and sit on red hot coal + 'Til you're completely flayed, + Or ask a kindly friend to crack + Your wretched bones upon the rack + Than love a heartless jade, + Than love a heartless jade. + + Or ask a kindly friend to crack + Your wretched bones upon the rack + Than love a heartless jade. + + [Exit WILFRED. Enter people excitedly, followed by YEOMEN + of the Guard with SERGEANT MERYLL at rear. + + No. 2. Tower warders, Under orders + (Double Chorus) + CROWD and YEOMEN, with Solo 2ND YEOMEN + +CROWD Tower warders, + Under orders, + Gallant pikemen, valiant sworders! + Brave in bearing, + Foemen scaring, + In their bygone days of daring! + Ne'er a stranger + There to danger-- + Each was o'er the world a ranger; + To the story + Of our glory + Each a bold, a bold contributory! + +YEOMEN In the autumn of our life, + Here at rest in ample clover, + We rejoice in telling over + Our impetuous May and June. + In the evening of our day, + With the sun of life declining, + We recall without repining + All the heat of bygone noon, + We recall without repining + All the heat, + We recall, recall + All of bygone noon. + +2ND YEOMAN This the autumn of our life, + This the evening of our day; + Weary we of battle strife, + Weary we of mortal fray. + But our year is not so spent, + And our days are not so faded, + But that we with one consent, + Were our loved land invaded, + Still would face a foreign foe, + As in days of long ago, + Still would face a foreign foe, + As in days of long ago, + As in days of long ago, + As in days of long ago. + +YEOMEN Still would face a foreign foe, + As in days of long ago. + +CROWD Tower warders, + Under orders, + Gallant pikemen, valiant sworders! + Brave in bearing, Foemen scaring, + In their bygone days of daring! + + CROWD YEOMEN + + Tower warders, This the autumn of our life + Under orders, + Gallant pikemen, + Valiant sworders + Brave in bearing, This the evening of our day; + Foemen scaring, + In their bygone days of daring! + + Ne'er a stranger Weary we of battle strife, + There to danger + Each was o'er the world a ranger: + + To the story Weary we of mortal fray. + Of our glory + Each a bold, + A bold contributory. + + To the story This the autumn of our life. + Of our glory + Each a bold contributory! This the evening of our day, + Each a bold contributory! This the evening of our day. + + [Exit CROWD. Manent YEOMEN. Enter DAME CARRUTHERS. + +DAME A good day to you! + +2ND + YEOMAN Good day, Dame Carruthers. Busy to-day? + +DAME Busy, aye! the fire in the Beauchamp [pronounced + Bee'cham] last night has given me work enough. A dozen + poor prisoners-- Richard Colfax, Sir Martin Byfleet, + Colonel Fairfax, Warren the preacher-poet, and half-a- + score others-- all packed into one small cell, not six + feet square. Poor Colonel Fairfax, who's to die to- + day, is to be removed to no. 14 in the Cold Harbour + that he may have his last hour alone with his + confessor; and I've to see to that. + +2ND + YEOMAN Poor gentleman! He'll die bravely. I fought under him + two years since, and he valued his life as it were a + feather! + +PHOEBE He's the bravest, the handsomest, and the best young + gentleman in England! He twice saved my father's life; + and it's a cruel thing, a wicked thing, and a + barbarous thing that so gallant a hero should lose his + head-- for it's the handsomest head in England! + +DAME For dealings with the devil. Aye! if all were beheaded + who dealt with him, there'd be busy things on Tower + Green. + +PHOEBE You know very well that Colonel Fairfax is a student + of alchemy-- nothing more, and nothing less; but this + wicked Tower, like a cruel giant in a fairy-tale, must + be fed with blood, and that blood must be the best and + bravest in England, or it's not good enough for the + old Blunderbore. Ugh! + +DAME Silence, you silly girl; you know not what you say. I + was born in the old keep, and I've grown grey in it, + and, please God, I shall die and be buried in it; and + there's not a stone in its walls that is not as dear + tome as my right hand. + + + No. 3. When our gallant Norman foes + (SONG WITH CHORUS) + Dame Carruthers and Yeomen + +DAME When our gallant Norman foes + Made our merry land their own, + And the Saxons from the Conqueror were flying, + + At his bidding it arose, + In its panoply of stone, + A sentinel unliving and undying. + + Insensible, I trow, + As a sentinel should be, + Though a queen to save her head should + come a-suing, + There's a legend on its brow + That is eloquent to me, + And it tells of duty done and duty doing. + + The screw may twist and the rack may turn, + And men may bleed and men may burn, + O'er London town and its golden hoard + I keep my silent watch and ward! + +CHORUS The screw may twist and the rack may turn, + O'er London town and all its hoard, + And men may bleed and men may burn, + O'er London town and all its hoard, + O'er London town and its golden hoard + I keep my silent watch and ward! + +DAME Within its wall of rock + The flower of the brave + Have perished with a constancy unshaken. + From the dungeon to the block, + From the scaffold to the grave, + Is a journey many gallant hearts have taken. + + And the wicked flames may hiss + Round the heroes who have fought + For conscience and for home in all its beauty, + But the grim old fortalice + Takes little heed of aught + That comes not in the measure of its duty. + + The screw may twist and the rack may turn, + And men may bleed and men may burn, + O'er London town and its golden hoard + I keep my silent watch and ward! + +CHORUS The screw may twist and the rack may turn, + O'er London town and all its hoard, + And men may bleed and men may burn, + O'er London town and all its hoard, + O'er London town and its golden hoard + I keep my silent watch and ward! + + [Exeunt all but PHOEBE. Enter SERGEANT MERYLL. + +PHOEBE Father! Has no reprieve arrived for the poor + gentleman? + +MERYLL No, my lass; but there's one hope yet. Thy brother + Leonard, who, as a reward for his valour in saving his + standard and cutting his way through fifty foes who + would have hanged him, has been appointed a Yeoman of + the Guard, will arrive to-day; and as he comes + straight from Windsor, where the Court is, it may be-- + it may be-- that he will bring the expected reprieve + with him. + +PHOEBE Oh, that he may! + +MERYLL Amen to that! For the Colonel twice saved my life, and + I'd give the rest of my life to save his! And wilt + thou not be glad to welcome thy brave brother, with + the fame of whose exploits all England is a-ringing? + +PHOEBE Aye, truly, if he brings the reprieve. + +MERYLL And not otherwise? + +PHOEBE Well, he's a brave fellow indeed, and I love brave + men. + +MERYLL All brave men? + +PHOEBE Most of them, I verily believe! But I hope Leonard + will not be too strict with me-- they say he is a very + dragon of virtue and circumspection! Now, my dear old + father is kindness itself, and---- + +MERYLL And leaves thee pretty well to thine own ways, eh? + Well, I've no fears for thee; thou hast a feather- + brain, but thou'rt a good lass. + +PHOEBE Yes, that's all very well, but if Leonard is going to + tell me that I may not do this and I may not do that, + and I must not talk to this one, or walk with that + one, but go through the world with my lips pursed up + and my eyes cats down, like a poor nun who has + renounced mankind-- why, as I have not renounced + mankind, and don't mean to renounce mankind, I won't + have it-- there! + + +MERYLL Nay, he'll not check thee more than is good for thee, + Phoebe! He's a brave fellow, and bravest among brave + fellows, and yet it seems but yesterday that he robbed + the Lieutenant's orchard. + + No. 3A. A laughing boy + (OPTIONAL SONG) + Sergeant Meryll + +MERYLL A laughing boy but yesterday, + A merry urchin blithe and gay, + Whose joyous shout came ringing out + Unchecked by care or sorrow. + + Today a warrior all sunbrown, + When deeds of soldierly renown + Are not the boast of London town, + A veteran tomorrow, today a warrior, + A veteran tomorrow! + + When at my Leonard's deeds sublime, + A soldier's pulse beats double time, + And grave hearts thrill as brave hearts will + At tales of martial glory. + + I burn with flush of pride and joy, + A pride unbittered by alloy, + To find my boy, my darling boy, + The theme of song and story, + To find my darling boy + The theme of song and story! + To find my boy, my darling boy, + The theme of song and story! + + [Enter LEONARD MERYLL + +LEONARD Father! + +MERYLL Leonard! my brave boy! I'm right glad to see thee, and + so is Phoebe! + +PHOEBE Aye-- hast thou brought Colonel Fairfax's reprieve? + +LEONARD Nay, I have here a despatch for the Lieutenant, but no + reprieve for the Colonel! + +PHOEBE Poor gentleman! poor gentleman! + +LEONARD Aye, I would I had brought better news. I'd give my + right hand-- nay, my body-- my life, to save his! + +MERYLL Dost thou speak in earnest, my lad? + +LEONARD Aye, father-- I'm no braggart. Did he not save thy + life? and am I not his foster-brother? + +MERYLL Then hearken to me. Thou hast come to join the Yeomen + of the Guard! + +LEONARD Well? + +MERYLL None has seen thee but ourselves? + +LEONARD And a sentry, who took scant notice of me. + +MERYLL Now to prove thy words. Give me the despatch and get + thee hence at once! Here is money, and I'll send thee + more. Lie hidden for a space, and let no one know. + I'll convey a suit of Yeoman's uniform to the + Colonel's cell-- he shall shave off his beard, so that + none shall know him, and I'll own him as my son, the + brave Leonard Meryll, who saved his flag and cut his + way through fifty foes who thirsted for his life. He + will be welcomed without question by my brother- + Yeomen, I'll warrant that. Now, how to get access to + the Colonel's cell? [To PHOEBE] The key is with they + sour-faced admirer, Wilfred Shadbolt. + +PHOEBE [demurely] I think-- I say, I think-- I can get anything + I want from Wilfred. I think-- mind I say, I think-- you + may leave that to me. + +MERYLL Then get thee hence at once, lad-- and bless thee for + this sacrifice. + +PHOEBE And take my blessing, too, dear, dear Leonard! + +LEONARD And thine. eh? Humph! Thy love is newborn; wrap it up + carefully, lest it take cold and die. + + No. 4. Alas! I waver to and fro + (TRIO) + Phoebe, Leonard, and Meryll + +PHOEBE Alas! I waver to and fro! + Dark danger hangs upon the deed! + +ALL Dark danger hangs upon the deed! + +LEONARD The scheme is rash and well may fail; + But ours are not the hearts that quail, + The hands that shrink, the cheeks that pale + In hours of need! + +ALL No, ours are not the hearts that quail, + The hands that shrink, the cheeks that pale + The hands that shrink, the cheeks that pale + In hours of need! + +MERYLL The air I breathe to him I owe: + My life is his-- I count it naught! + +PHOEBE + and LEONARD That life is his-- so count it naught! + +MERYLL And shall I reckon risks I run + When services are to be done + To save the life of such an one? + Unworthy thought! Unworthy thought! + +PHOEBE + and LEONARD And shall we reckon risks we run + To save the life of such an one? + +ALL Unworthy thought! Unworthy thought! + We may succeed-- who can foretell? + May heav'n help our hope-- + May heav'n help our hope, + farewell! + May heav'n help our hope, + Help our hope, + farewell! + + [LEONARD embraces MERYLL and PHOEBE, and then exits. PHOEBE + weeping. + +MERYLL [goes up to PHOEBE] Nay, lass, be of good cheer, we + may save him yet. + +PHOEBE Oh! see, after-- they bring the poor gentleman from the + Beauchamp! [pronounced Bee'cham] Oh, father! his hour + is not yet come? + +MERYLL No, no-- they lead him to the Cold Harbour Tower to + await his end in solitude. But softly-- the Lieutenant + approaches! He should not see thee weep. + + [Enter FAIRFAX, guarded by YEOMEN. The LIEUTENANT enters, + meeting him. + +LIEUT. Halt! Colonel Fairfax, my old friend, we meet but + sadly. + +FAIRFAX Sir, I greet you with all good-will; and I thank you + for the zealous acre with which you have guarded me + from the pestilent dangers which threaten human life + outside. In this happy little community, Death, when + he comes, doth so in punctual and business-like + fashion; and, like a courtly gentleman, giveth due + notice of his advent, that one may not be taken + unawares. + +LIEUT. Sir, you bear this bravely, as a brave man should. + +FAIRFAX Why, sir, it is no light boon to die swiftly and + surely at a given hour and in a given fashion! Truth + to tell, I would gladly have my life; but if that may + not be, I have the next best thing to it, which is + death. Believe me, sir, my lot is not so much amiss! + +PHOEBE [aside to MERYLL] Oh, father, father, I cannot bear + it! + +MERYLL My poor lass! + +FAIRFAX Nay, pretty one, why weepest thou? Come, be comforted. + Such a life as mine is not worth weeping for. [sees + MERYLL] Sergeant Meryll, is it not? [to LIEUTENANT] + May I greet my old friend? [Shakes MERYLL's hand; + MERYLL begins to weep] Why, man, what's all this? Thou + and I have faced the grim old king a dozen times, and + never has his majesty come to me in such goodly + fashion. Keep a stout heart, good fellow-- we are + soldiers, and we know how to die, thou and I. Take my + word for it, it is easier to die well than to live + well-- for, in sooth, I have tried both. + + No. 5. Is life a boon? + (BALLAD) + Fairfax + +FAIRFAX Is life a boon? + If so, it must befall + That Death, whene'er he call, + Must call too soon. + Though fourscore years he give, + Yet one would pray to live + Another moon! + What kind of plaint have I, + Who perish in July, + who perish in July? + I might have had to die, + Perchance, in June! + I might have had to die, + Perchance, in June! + + Is life a thorn? + Then count it not a whit! + Nay, count it not a whit! + Man is well done with it; + Soon as he's born + He should all means essay + To put the plague away; + And I, war-worn, + Poor captured fugitive, + My life most gladly give-- + I might have had to live, + Another morn! + I might have had to live, + Another morn! + + [At the end, PHOEBE is led off, weeping, by MERYLL. + +FAIRFAX And now, Sir Richard, I have a boon to beg. I am in + this strait for no better reason than because my + kinsman, Sir Clarence Poltwhistle, one of the + Secretaries of State, has charged me with sorcery, in + order that he may succeed in my estate, which devolves + to him provided I die unmarried. + +LIEUT. As thou wilt most surely do. + +FAIRFAX Nay, as I will most surely not do, by your worship's + grace! I have a mind to thwart this good cousin of + mine. + +LIEUT. How? + +FAIRFAX By marrying forthwith, to be sure! + +LIEUT. But heaven ha' mercy, whom wouldst thou marry? + +FAIRFAX Nay, I am indifferent on that score. Coming Death hath + made of me a true and chivalrous knight, who holds all + womankind in such esteem that the oldest, and the + meanest, and the worst-favoured of them is good enough + for him. So, my good Lieutenant, if thou wouldst serve + a poor soldier who has but an hour to live, find me + the first that comes-- my confessor shall marry us, and + her dower shall be my dishonoured name and a hundred + crowns to boot. No such poor dower for an hour of + matrimony! + +LIEUT. A strange request. I doubt that I should be warranted + in granting it. + +FAIRFAX There never was a marriage fraught with so little of + evil to the contracting parties. In an hour she'll be + a widow, and I-- a bachelor again for aught I know! + +LIEUT. Well, I will see what can be done, for I hold thy + kinsman in abhorrence for the scurvy trick he has + played thee. + +FAIRFAX A thousand thanks, good sir; we meet again in this + spot in an hour or so. I shall be a bridegroom then, + and your worship will wish me joy. Till then, + farewell. [To GUARD] I am ready, good fellows. + + [Exit with GUARD into Cold Harbour Tower] + +LIEUT. He is a brave fellow, and it is a pity that he should + die. Now, how to find him a bride at such short + notice? Well, the task should be easy! [Exit] + + [Enter JACK POINT and ELSIE MAYNARD, pursued by a CROWD of + men and women. POINT and ELSIE are much terrified; POINT, + however, assuming an appearance of self-possession. + + + No. 6. Here's a man of jollity + (CHORUS) + People, Elsie, and Jack Point + +CHORUS Here's a man of jollity, + Jibe, joke, jollify! + Give us of your quality, + Come, fool, follify! + + If you vapour vapidly, + River runneth rapidly, + Into it we fling + Bird who doesn't sing! + + Give us an experiment + In the art of merriment; + Into it we throw + Cock who doesn't crow! + + Banish your timidity, + And with all rapidity + Give us quip and quiddity-- + Willy-nilly, O! + + River none can mollify; + Into it we throw + Fool who doesn't follify, + Cock who doesn't crow! + + Banish your timidity, + And with all rapidity + Give us quip and quiddity-- + Willy-nilly, O! + +POINT [alarmed] My masters, I pray you bear with us, and we + will satisfy you, for we are merry folk who would make + all merry as ourselves. For, look you, there is humour + in all things, and the truest philosophy is that which + teaches us to find it and to make the most of it. + +ELSIE [struggling with 1ST CITIZEN] Hands off, I say, + unmannerly fellow! [she boxes his ears] + +POINT [to 1ST CITIZEN] Ha! Didst thou hear her say, "Hands + off"? + +1ST + CITIZEN Aye, I heard her say it, and I felt her do it! What + then? + +POINT Thou dost not see the humour of that? + +1ST + CITIZEN Nay, if I do, hang me! + +POINT Thou dost not? Now, observe. She said, "Hands off! + "Whose hands? Thine. Off whom? Off her. Why? Because + she is a woman. Now, had she not been a woman, thine + hands had not been set upon her at all. So the reason + for the laying on of hands is the reason for the + taking off of hands, and herein is contradiction + contradicted! It is the very marriage of pro with con; + and no such lopsided union either, as times go, for + pro is not more unlike con than man is unlike woman-- + yet men and women marry every day with none to say, + "Oh, the pity of it!" but I and fools like me! Now + wherewithal shall we please you? We can rhyme you + couplet, triolet, quatrain, sonnet,rondolet, ballade, + what you will. Or we can dance you saraband, gondolet, + carole, pimpernel, or Jumping Joan. + +ELSIE Let us give them the singing farce of the Merryman and + his Maid-- therein is song and dance too. + +ALL Aye, the Merryman and his Maid! + + + No. 7. I have a song to sing, O! + (DUET) + Elsie and Point + +POINT I have a song to sing, O! + +ELSIE Sing me your song, O! + +POINT It is sung to the moon + By a love-lorn loon, + Who fled from the mocking throng, O! + It's a song of a merryman, moping mum, + Whose soul was sad, and whose glance was glum, + Who sipped no sup, and who craved no crumb, + As he sighed for the love of a ladye. + Heighdy! heighdy! + Misery me--lack-a-day-dee! + He sipped no sup, and he craved no crumb, + As he sighed for the love of a ladye! + +ELSIE I have a song to sing, O! + +POINT Sing me your song, O! + +ELSIE It is sung with the ring + Of the songs maids sing + Who love with a love life-long, O! + It's the song of a merrymaid, peerly proud, + Who loved a lord, and who laughed aloud + At the moan of the merryman, moping mum, + Whose soul was sad, and whose glance was glum, + Who sipped no sup, and who craved no crumb, + As he sighed for the love of a ladye! + Heighdy! heighdy! + Misery me--lack-a-day-dee! + He sipped no sup, and he craved no crumb, + As he sighed for the love of a ladye! + +POINT I have a song to sing, O! + +ELSIE Sing me your song, O! + +POINT It is sung to the knell + Of a churchyard bell, + And a doleful dirge, ding dong, O! + It's a song of a popinjay, bravely born, + Who turned up his noble nose with scorn + At the humble merrymaid, peerly proud, + Who loved a lord, and who laughed aloud + At the moan of the merryman, moping mum, + Whose soul was sad, and whose glance was glum, + Who sipped no sup, and who craved no crumb, + As he sighed for the love of a ladye! + Heighdy! heighdy! + Misery me--lack-a-day-dee! + He sipped no sup, and he craved no crumb, + As he sighed for the love of a ladye! + +ELSIE I have a song to sing, O! + +POINT Sing me your song, O! + +ELSIE It is sung with a sigh + And a tear in the eye, + For it tells of a righted wrong, O! + It's a song of the merrymaid, once so gay, + Who turned on her heel and tripped away + From the peacock popinjay, bravely born, + Who turned up his noble nose with scorn + At the humble heart that he did not prize: + So she begged on her knees, with downcast eyes, + For the love of the merryman, moping mum, + Whose soul was sad, and whose glance was glum, + Who sipped no sup, and who craved no crumb, + As he sighed for the love of a ladye! + +BOTH Heighdy! heighdy! + Misery me--lack-a-day-dee! + His pains were o'er, and he sighed no more, + For he lived in the love of a ladye! + + Heighdy! heighdy! + Misery me--lack-a-day-dee! + His pains were o'er, and he sighed no more, + For he lived in the love of a ladye! + +1ST + CITIZEN Well sung and well danced! + +2ND + CITIZEN A kiss for that, pretty maid! + +ALL Aye, a kiss all round. [CROWD gathers around her] + +ELSIE [drawing dagger] Best beware! I am armed! + +POINT Back, sirs-- back! This is going too far. + +2ND + CITIZEN Thou dost not see the humour of it, eh? Yet there is + humour in all things-- even in this. [Trying to kiss + her] + +ELSIE Help! Help! + + [Enter LIEUTENANT with GUARD. CROWD falls back + +LIEUT. What is the pother? + +ELSIE Sir, we sang to these folk, and they would have repaid + us with gross courtesy, but for your honour's coming. + +LIEUT. [to CROWD] Away with ye! Clear the rabble. + + [GUARDS push CROWD off, and go off with them] + + Now, my girl, who are you, and what do you here? + +ELSIE May it please you, sir, we are two strolling players, + Jack Point and I, Elsie Maynard, at your worship's + service. We go from fair to fair, singing, and + dancing, and playing brief interludes; and so we make + a poor living. + +LIEUT. You two, eh? Are ye man and wife? + +POINT No, sir; for though I'm a fool, there is a limit to my + folly. Her mother, old Bridget Maynard, travels with + us (for Elsie is a good girl), but the old woman is a- + bed with fever, and we have come here to pick up some + silver to buy an electuary for her. + +LIEUT. Hark ye, my girl! Your mother is ill? + +ELSIE Sorely ill, sir. + +LIEUT. And needs good food, and many things that thou canst + not buy? + +ELSIE Alas! sir, it is too true. + +LIEUT. Wouldst thou earn an hundred crowns? + +ELSIE An hundred crowns! They might save her life! + +LIEUT. Then listen! A worthy but unhappy gentleman is to be + beheaded in an hour on this very spot. For sufficient + reasons, he desires to marry before he dies, and he + hath asked me to find him a wife. Wilt thou be that + wife? + +ELSIE The wife of a man I have never seen! + +POINT Why, sir, look you, I am concerned in this; for though + I am not yet wedded to Elsie Maynard, time works + wonders, and there's no knowing what may be in store + for us. Have we your worship's word for it that this + gentleman will die to-day? + +LIEUT. Nothing is more certain, I grieve to say. + +POINT And that the maiden will be allowed to depart the very + instant the ceremony is at an end? + +LIEUT. The very instant. I pledge my honour that it shall be + so. + +POINT An hundred crowns? + +LIEUT. An hundred crowns! + +POINT For my part, I consent. It is for Elsie to speak. + + + No. 8. How say you, maiden, will you wed + (TRIO) + Elsie, Point, and Lieutenant + +LIEUT. How say you, maiden, will you wed + A man about to lose his head? + For half an hour + You'll be his wife, + And then the dower + Is your for life. + A headless bridegroom why refuse? + If truth the poets tell, + Most bridegrooms, 'ere they marry, + Lose both head and heart as well! + +ELSIE A strange proposal you reveal, + It almost makes my senses reel. + Alas! I'm very poor indeed, + And such a sum I sorely need. + My mother, sir, is like to die. + This money life may bring. + Bear this in mind, I pray, + If I consent to do this thing! + +POINT Though as a general rule of life + I don't allow my promised wife, + My lovely bride that is to be, + To marry anyone but me, + Yet if the fee is promptly paid, + And he, in well-earned grave, + Within the hour is duly laid, + Objection I will waive! + Yes, objection I will waive! + +ALL Temptation, oh, temptation, + Were we, I pray, intended + To shun, what e'er our station, + Your fascinations splendid; + Or fall, whene'er we view you, + Head over heels into you? + Head over heels, Head over heels, + Head over heels into you! + Head over heels, Head over heels, + Head over heels, Right into you! + Head over heels, Head over heels, etc. + Temptation, oh, temptation! + + [During this, the LIEUTENANT has whispered to WILFRED + (who has entered). WILFRED binds ELSIE's eyes with a + kerchief, and leads her into the Cold Harbour Tower + +LIEUT. And so, good fellow, you are a jester? + +POINT Aye, sir, and like some of my jests, out of place. + +LIEUT. I have a vacancy for such an one. Tell me, what are + your qualifications for such a post? + +POINT Marry, sir, I have a pretty wit. I can rhyme you + extempore; I can convulse you with quip and + conundrum;I have the lighter philosophies at my + tongue's tip; I can be merry, wise, quaint, grim, and + sardonic, one by one, or all at once; I have a pretty + turn for anecdote; I know all the jests-- ancient and + modern-- past, present, and to come; I can riddle you + from dawn of day to set of sun, and, if that content + you not, well on to midnight and the small hours. Oh, + sir, a pretty wit, I warrant you-- a pretty, pretty + wit! + + + No. 9. I've jibe and joke + (SONG) + Point + +POINT I've jibe and joke + And quip and crank + For lowly folk + And men of rank. + I ply my craft + And know no fear. + But aim my shaft + At prince or peer. + At peer or prince-- at prince or peer, + I aim my shaft and know no fear! + + I've wisdom from the East and from the West, + That's subject to no academic rule; + You may find it in the jeering of a jest, + Or distil it from the folly of a fool. + I can teach you with a quip, if I've a mind; + I can trick you into learning with a laugh; + Oh, winnow all my folly, folly, folly, and + you'll find + A grain or two of truth among the chaff! + Oh, winnow all my folly, folly, folly, and + you'll find + A grain or two of truth among the chaff! + + I can set a braggart quailing with a quip, + The upstart I can wither with a whim; + He may wear a merry laugh upon his lip, + But his laughter has an echo that is grim. + When they're offered to the world in merry + guise, + Unpleasant truths are swallowed with a will, + For he who'd make his fellow, + fellow, fellow creatures wise + Should always gild the philosophic pill! + For he who'd make his fellow, + fellow, fellow creatures wise + Should always gild the philosophic pill! + +LIEUT. And how came you to leave your last employ? + +POINT Why, sir, it was in this wise. My Lord was the + Archbishop of Canterbury, and it was considered that + one of my jokes was unsuited to His Grace's family + circle. In truth, I ventured to ask a poor riddle, + sir-- Wherein lay the difference between His Grace and + poor Jack Point? His Grace was pleased to give it up, + sir. And thereupon I told him that whereas His Grace + was paid 10,000 a year for being good, poor Jack Point + was good-- for nothing. 'Twas but a harmless jest, but + it offended His Grace, who whipped me and set me in + the stocks for a scurril rogue, and so we parted. I + had as lief not take post again with the dignified + clergy. + +LIEUT. But I trust you are very careful not to give offence. + I have daughters. + +POINT Sir, my jests are most carefully selected, and + anything objectionable is expunged. If your honour + pleases, I will try then first on your honour's + chaplain. + +LIEUT. Can you give me an example? Say that I had sat me down + hurriedly on something sharp? + +POINT Sir, I should say that you had sat down on the spur of + the moment. + +LIEUT. Humph! I don't think much of that. Is that the best + you can do? + +POINT It has always been much admired, sir, but we will try + again. + +LIEUT. Well, then, I am at dinner, and the joint of meat is + but half cooked. + +POINT Why then, sir, I should say that what is underdone + cannot be helped. + +LIEUT. I see. I think that manner of thing would be somewhat + irritating. + +POINT At first, sir, perhaps; but use is everything, and you + would come in time to like it. + +LIEUT. We will suppose that I caught you kissing the kitchen + wench under my very nose. + +POINT Under her very nose, good sir-- not under yours! That + is where I would kiss her. Do you take me? Oh, sir, a + pretty wit-- a pretty, pretty wit! + +LIEUT. The maiden comes. Follow me, friend, and we will + discuss this matter at length in my library. + +POINT I am your worship's servant. That is to say, I trust + I soon shall be. But, before proceeding to a more + serious topic, can you tell me, sir, why a cook's + brain-pan is like an overwound clock? + +LIEUT. A truce to this fooling-- follow me. + +POINT Just my luck; my best conundrum wasted! + + [Exeunt LIEUTENANT and POINT. Enter ELSIE from Tower, led + by WILFRED, who removes the bandage from her eyes, and + exits. + + No. 10. 'Tis done! I am a bride! + (RECITATIVE AND SONG) + Elsie + +ELSIE 'Tis done! I am a bride! Oh, little ring, + That bearest in thy circlet all the gladness + That lovers hope for, and that poets sing, + What bringest thou to me but gold and sadness? + A bridegroom all unknown, save in this wise, + To-day he dies! To-day, alas, he dies! + + Though tear and long-drawn sigh + Ill fit a bride, + No sadder wife than I + The whole world wide! + Ah me! Ah me! + Yet maids there be + Who would consent to lose + The very rose of youth, + The flow'r of life, + To be, in honest truth, + A wedded wife, + No matter whose! + No matter whose! + + Ah me! what profit we, + O maids that sigh, + Though gold, though gold should live + If wedded love must die? + + Ere half an hour has rung, + A widow I! + Ah, heaven, he is too young, + Too brave to die! + Ah me! Ah me! + Yet wives there be + So weary worn, I trow, + That they would scarce complain, + So that they could + In half an hour attain + To widowhood, + No matter how! + No matter how! + + O weary wives + Who widowhood would win, + Rejoice, rejoice, that ye have time + To weary in. + + O weary wives + Who widowhood would win, + Rejoice, rejoice, rejoice, + that ye have time + O weary, weary wives, rejoice! + + [Exit ELSIE as WILFRED re-enters. + +WILFRED [looking after ELSIE] 'Tis an odd freak for a dying + man and his confessor to be closeted alone with a + strange singing girl. I would fain have espied them, + but they stopped up the keyhole. My keyhole! + + [Enter PHOEBE with SERGEANT MERYLL. MERYLL remains in the + background, unobserved by WILFRED. + +PHOEBE [aside] Wilfred-- and alone! + +WILFRED Now what could he have wanted with her? That's what + puzzles me! + +PHOEBE [aside] Now to get the keys from him. + + [Aloud] Wilfred-- has no reprieve arrived? + +WILFRED None. Thine adored Fairfax is to die. + +PHOEBE Nay, thou knowest that I have naught but pity for the + poor condemned gentleman. + +WILFRED I know that he who is about to die is more to thee + than I, who am alive and well. + +PHOEBE Why, that were out of reason, dear Wilfred. Do they + not say that a live ass is better than a dead lion? + No, I didn't mean that! + +WILFRED Oh, they say that, do they? + +PHOEBE It's unpardonably rude of them, but I believe they put + it in that way. Not that it applies to thee, who art + clever beyond all telling! + +WILFRED Oh yes, as an assistant-tormentor. + +PHOEBE Nay, as a wit, as a humorist, as a most philosophic + commentator on the vanity of human resolution. + + [PHOEBE slyly takes bunch of keys from WILFRED's waistband + and hands them to MERYLL, who enters the Tower, unnoticed + by WILFRED. + +WILFRED Truly, I have seen great resolution give way under my + persuasive methods [working with a small thumbscrew]. + In the nice regulation of a thumbscrew-- in the + hundredth part of a single revolution lieth all the + difference between stony reticence and a torrent of + impulsive unbosoming that the pen can scarcely follow. + Ha! ha! I am a mad wag. + +PHOEBE [with a grimace] Thou art a most light-hearted and + delightful companion, Master Wilfred. Thine anecdotes + of the torture-chamber are the prettiest hearing. + +WILFRED I'm a pleasant fellow an' I choose. I believe I am the + merriest dog that barks. Ah, we might be passing happy + together-- + +PHOEBE Perhaps. I do not know. + +WILFRED For thou wouldst make a most tender and loving wife. + +PHOEBE Aye, to one whom I really loved. For there is a wealth + of love within this little heart-- saving up for-- I + wonder whom? Now, of all the world of men, I wonder + whom? To think that he whom I am to wed is now alive + and somewhere! Perhaps far away, perhaps close at + hand! And I know him not! It seemeth that I am wasting + time in not knowing him. + +WILFRED Now say that it is I-- nay! suppose it for the nonce. + Say that we are wed-- suppose it only-- say that thou + art my very bride, and I thy cherry, joyous, bright, + frolicsome husband-- and that, the day's work being + done, and the prisoners stored away for the night, + thou and I are alone together-- with a long, long + evening before us! + +PHOEBE [with a grimace] It is a pretty picture-- but I + scarcely know. It cometh so unexpectedly-- and yet--and + yet-- were I thy bride-- + +WILFRED Aye!-- wert thou my bride--? + +PHOEBE Oh, how I would love thee! + + + No. 11. Were I thy bride + (SONG) + Phoebe + +PHOEBE Were I thy bride, + Then all the world beside + Were not too wide + To hold my wealth of love-- + Were I thy bride! + + Upon thy breast + My loving head would rest, + As on her nest + The tender turtle dove-- + Were I thy bride! + + This heart of mine + Would be one heart with thine, + And in that shrine + Our happiness would dwell-- + Were I thy bride! + + And all day long + Our lives should be a song: + No grief, no wrong + Should make my heart rebel-- + Were I thy bride! + + The silvery flute, + The melancholy lute, + Were night-owl's hoot + To my low-whispered coo-- + Were I thy bride! + + The skylark's trill + Were but discordance shrill + To the soft thrill + Of wooing as I'd woo-- + Were I thy bride! + + [MERYLL re-enters; gives keys to PHOEBE, who replaces + them at WILFRED's girdle, unnoticed by him. Exit + MERYLL. + + The rose's sigh + Were as a carrion's cry + To lullaby + Such as I'd sing to thee, + Were I thy bride! + + A feather's press + Were leaden heaviness to my caress. + But then, of course, you see, + I'm not thy bride. + + [Exit PHOEBE + +WILFRED No, thou'rt not-- not yet! But, Lord, how she woo'd; I + should be no mean judge of wooing, seeing that I have + been more hotly woo'd than most men. I have been woo'd + by maid, widow, and wife. I have been woo'd boldly, + timidly, tearfully, shyly-- by direct assault, by + suggestion, by implication, by inference, and by + innuendo. But this wooing is not of the common order; + it is the wooing of one who must needs me, if she die + for it! + + [Exit WILFRED. Enter SERGEANT MERRILL, cautiously, from + Tower. + +MERYLL [looking after them] The deed is, so far, safely + accomplished. The slyboots, how she wheedled him! What + a helpless ninny is a love-sick man! He is but as a + lute in a woman's hands-- she plays upon him whatever + tune she will. But the Colonel comes. I' faith, he's + just in time, for the Yeomen parade here for his + execution in two minutes! + + [Enter FAIRFAX, without beard and moustache, and dressed in + Yeoman's uniform. + +FAIRFAX My good and kind friend, thou runnest a grave risk for + me! + +MERYLL Tut, sir, no risk. I'll warrant none here will + recognise you. You make a brave Yeoman, sir! So-- this + ruff is too high; so-- and the sword should hang thus. + Here is your halbert, sir; carry it thus. The Yeomen + come. Now, remember, you are my brave son, Leonard + Meryll. + +FAIRFAX If I may not bear mine own name, there is none other + I would bear so readily. + +MERYLL Now, sir, put a bold face on it, for they come. + + + No. 12. Oh, Sergeant Meryll, is it true + (FINALE OF ACT I) + Ensemble + + [Enter YEOMEN of the Guard + +YEOMEN Oh, Sergeant Meryll, is it true-- + The welcome news we read in orders? + Thy son, whose deeds of derring-do + Are echoed all the country through, + Has come to join the Tower Warders? + If so, we come to meet him, + That we may fitly greet him, + And welcome his arrival here + With shout on shout and cheer on cheer, + Hurrah! Hurrah! Hurrah! + +MERYLL Ye Tower warders, nursed in war's alarms, + Suckled on gunpowder, and weaned on glory, + Behold my son, whose all-subduing arms + Have formed the theme of many a song and story! + Forgive his aged father's pride; nor jeer + His aged father's sympathetic tear! + [Pretending to weep] + +YEOMEN Leonard Meryll! + Leonard Meryll! + Dauntless he in time of peril! + Man of power, + Knighthood's flower, + Welcome to the grim old Tower, + To the Tower, welcome thou! + +FAIRFAX Forbear, my friends, and spare me this ovation, + I have small claim to such consideration; + The tales that of my prowess are narrated + Have been prodigiously exaggerated, + prodigiously exaggerated! + +YEOMEN 'Tis ever thus! + Wherever valor true is found, + True modesty will there abound. + +1ST YEOMAN Didst thou not, oh, Leonard Meryll! + Standard lost in last campaign, + Rescue it at deadly peril-- + Bear it safely back again? + +YEOMEN Leonard Meryll, at his peril, + Bore it safely back again! + +2ND YEOMAN Didst thou not, when prisoner taken, + And debarred from all escape, + Face, with gallant heart unshaken, + Death in most appalling shape? + +YEOMEN Leonard Meryll, faced his peril, + Death in most appalling shape! + +FAIRFAX [aside] Truly I was to be pitied, + Having but an hour to live, + I reluctantly submitted, + I had no alternative! + +FAIRFAX [aloud] Oh! the tales that are narrated + Of my deeds of derring-do + Have been much exaggerated, + Very much exaggerated, + Scarce a word of them is true! + Scarce a word of them is true! + +YEOMEN They are not exaggerated, + Not at all exaggerated, + Could not be exaggerated, + Ev'ry word of them is true! + +3RD YEOMAN [optional] You, when brought to execution, + Like a demigod of yore, + With heroic resolution + Snatched a sword and killed a score. + +YEOMEN [optional] Leonard Meryll, Leonard Meryll + Snatched a sword and killed a score! + +4TH YEOMAN [optional] Then escaping from the foemen, + Boltered with the blood you shed, + You, defiant, fearing no men, + Saved your honour and your head! + +YEOMEN [optional] Leonard Meryll, Leonard Meryll + Saved his honour and his head. + +FAIRFAX [optional] True, my course with judgement + shaping, + Favoured, too, by lucky star, + I succeeded in escaping + Prison-bolt and prison bar! + +FAIRFAX [optional] Oh! the tales that are narrated + Of my deeds of derring-do + Have been much exaggerated, + Very much exaggerated, + Scarce a word of them is true! + Scarce a word of them is true! + +YEOMEN [optional] They are not exaggerated, + Not at all exaggerated, + Could not be exaggerated, + Ev'ry word of them is true! + + [Enter PHOEBE. She rushes to FAIRFAX. Enter WILFRED. + +PHOEBE Leonard! + +FAIRFAX [puzzled] I beg your pardon? + +PHOEBE Don't you know me? I'm little Phoebe! + +FAIRFAX [still puzzled] Phoebe? Is this Phoebe? + What! little Phoebe? + [aside] Who the deuce may she be? + It can't be Phoebe, surely? + +WILFRED Yes, 'tis Phoebe-- + Your sister Phoebe! Your own little sister! + +YEOMEN Aye, he speaks the truth; 'Tis Phoebe! + +FAIRFAX [pretending to recognise her] + Sister Phoebe! + +PHOEBE Oh, my brother! + +FAIRFAX Why, how you've grown! + I did not recognize you! + +PHOEBE So many years! Oh, brother! + +FAIRFAX Oh, my sister! + +BOTH Oh, brother!/Oh, sister! + +WILFRED Aye, hug him, girl! + There are three thou mayst hug-- + Thy father and thy brother and-- myself! + +FAIRFAX Thyself, forsooth? + And who art thou thyself? + +WILFRED Good sir, we are betrothed. + + [FAIRFAX turns inquiringly to PHOEBE + +PHOEBE Or more or less-- + But rather less than more! + +WILFRED To thy fond care + I do commend thy sister. + Be to her + An ever-watchful guardian-- eagle-eyed! + And when she feels (as sometimes she does feel) + Disposed to indiscriminate caress, + Be thou at hand to take those favours from her! + +YEOMEN Be thou at hand to take those favours from her! + +PHOEBE Yes, yes. + Be thou at hand to take those favours from me! + +WILFRED To thy fraternal care + Thy sister I commend; + From every lurking snare + Thy lovely charge defend; + And to achieve this end, + Oh! grant, I pray, this boon-- + Oh! grant this boon + She shall not quit my sight; + From morn to afternoon-- + From afternoon to night-- + From sev'n o'clock to two-- + From two to eventide-- + From dim twilight to 'lev'n at night, + From dim twilight to 'lev'n at night + She shall not quit my side! + +YEOMEN From morn to afternoon-- + From afternoon to 'lev'n at night + She shall not quit thy side! + +PHOEBE So amiable I've grown, + So innocent as well, + That if I'm left alone + The consequences fell + No mortal can foretell. + So grant, I pray, this boon-- + Oh! grant this boon + I shall not quit thy sight: + From morn to afternoon-- + From afternoon to night-- + From sev'n o'clock to two-- + From two to eventide-- + From dim twilight to 'lev'n at night + From dim twilight to 'lev'n at night + I shall not quit thy side! + +YEOMEN From morn to afternoon-- + From afternoon to 'lev'n at night + She shall not quit thy side! + +FAIRFAX With brotherly readiness, + For my fair sister's sake, + At once I answer "Yes"-- + That task I undertake-- + My word I never break. + I freely grant that boon, + And I'll repeat my plight. + From morn to afternoon-- [kiss] + From afternoon to night-- [kiss] + From sev'n o'clock to two-- [kiss] + From two to evening meal-- [kiss] + From dim twilight to 'lev'n at night, + From dim twilight to 'lev'n at night, + That compact I will seal. [kiss] + +YEOMEN From morn to afternoon, + From afternoon to 'lev'n at night + He freely grants that boon. + + [The bell of St. Peter's begins to toll. The CROWD enters; + the block is brought on to the stage, and the HEADSMAN + takes his place. The YEOMEN of the Guard form up. The + LIEUTENANT enters and takes his place, and tells off + FAIRFAX and two others to bring the prisoner to execution. + WILFRED, FAIRFAX, and TWO YEOMEN exeunt to Tower. + +CHORUS The prisoner comes to meet his doom; + The block, the headsman, and the tomb. + The funeral bell begins to toll; + May Heav'n have mercy on his soul! + May Heav'n have mercy on his soul! + +ELSIE Oh, Mercy, thou whose smile has shone + So many a captive heart upon; + Of all immured within these walls, + To-day the very worthiest falls! + +ALL Oh, Mercy, thou whose smile has shone + So many a captive heart upon; + Of all immured within these walls, + The very worthiest falls. + Oh, Mercy, Oh, Mercy! + + [Enter FAIRFAX and TWO YEOMEN from Tower in great + excitement. + +FAIRFAX My lord! I know not how to tell + The news I bear! + I and my comrades sought the pris'ner's cell-- + He is not there! + +ALL He is not there! + They sought the pris'ner's cell-- + he is not there! + +FAIRFAX AND + TWO YEOMEN As escort for the prisoner + We sought his cell, in duty bound; + The double gratings open were, + No prisoner at all we found! + + We hunted high, we hunted low, + We hunted here, we hunted there-- + The man we sought with anxious care + Had vanished into empty air! + The man we sought with anxious care + Had vanished into empty air! + + [Exit LIEUTENANT + +WOMEN Now, by my troth, the news is fair, + The man has vanished into air! + +ALL As escort for the prisoner + We/they sought his cell in duty bound; + The double gratings open were, + No prisoner at all we/they found, + We/they hunted high, we/they hunted low, + We/they hunted here, we/they hunted there, + The man we/they sought with anxious care + Had vanished into empty air! + The man we/they sought with anxious care + Had vanished into empty air! + + [Enter WILFRED, followed by LIEUTENANT + +LIEUT. Astounding news! The pris'ner fled! + [To WILFRED] Thy life shall forfeit be instead! + + [WILFRED is arrested + +WILFRED My lord, I did not set him free, + I hate the man-- my rival he! + +MERYLL The pris'ner gone-- I'm all agape! + +LIEUT. Thy life shall forfeit be instead! + +MERYLL Who could have helped him to escape? + +WILFRED My lord, I did not set him free! + +PHOEBE Indeed I can't imagine who! + I've no idea at all, have you? + + [Enter JACK POINT + +DAME Of his escape no traces lurk, + Enchantment must have been at work! + +ELSIE [aside to POINT] + What have I done? Oh, woe is me! + +PHOEBE & DAME Indeed I can't imagine who! + I've no idea at all, have you? + +ELSIE I am his wife, and he is free! + +POINT Oh, woe is you? Your anguish sink! + Oh, woe is me, I rather think! + Oh, woe is me, I rather think! + Yes, woe is me, I rather think! + Whate'er betide + You are his bride, + And I am left + Alone-- bereft! + Yes, woe is me, I rather think! + Yes, woe is me, I rather think! + Yes, woe is me, Yes, woe is me, Yes, woe is me, + Yes, woe is me, I rather think! + +ENSEMBLE All frenzied with despair I/they rave, + The grave is cheated of its due. + Who is, who is the misbegotten knave + Who hath contrived this deed to do? + + Let search, let search + Be made throughout the land, + Or his/my vindictive anger dread-- + A thousand marks, a thousand marks + he'll/I'll hand + Who brings him here, alive or dead, + Who brings him here, alive or dead! + A thousand marks, a thousand marks, + Alive, alive or dead + Alive, alive or dead + Who brings him here, alive, alive, or dead. + + [At the end, ELSIE faints in FAIRFAX's arms; all the YEOMEN + and CROWD rush off the stage in different directions, to + hunt for the fugitive, leaving only the HEADSMAN on the + stage, and ELSIE insensible in FAIRFAX's arms. + + END OF ACT I + ACT II + + + [SCENE.-- The same-- Moonlight.] + + [Two days have elapsed.] + + [WOMEN and YEOMEN of the Guard discovered. + + + No. 13. Night has spread her pall once more + (CHORUS AND SOLO) + People, Yeomen, and Dame Carruthers + +CHORUS Night has spread her pall once more, + And the pris'ner still is free: + Open is his dungeon door, + Useless now his dungeon key. + He has shaken off his yoke-- + How, no mortal man can tell! + Shame on loutish jailor-folk-- + Shame on sleepy sentinel! + + [Enter DAME CARRUTHERS and KATE + +DAME Warders are ye? + Whom do ye ward? + Warders are ye? + Whom do ye ward? + Bolt, bar, and key, + Shackle and cord, + Fetter and chain, + Dungeon and stone, + All are in vain-- + Prisoner's flown! + Spite of ye all, he is free-- he is free! + Whom do ye ward? Pretty warders are ye! + +WOMEN Pretty warders are ye! + Whom do ye ward? + Spite of ye all, he is free-- he is free! + Whom do ye ward? + Pretty warders are ye! + +MEN Up and down, and in and out, + Here and there, and round about; + Ev'ry chamber, ev'ry house, + Ev'ry chink that holds a mouse, + Ev'ry crevice in the keep, + Where a beetle black could creep, + Ev'ry outlet, ev'ry drain, + Have we searched, but all in vain, all in vain. + +WOMEN Warders are ye? + Whom do ye ward? + +MEN Ev'ry house, ev'ry chink, ev'ry drain, + +WOMEN Warders are ye? + Whom do ye ward? + +MEN Ev'ry chamber, ev'ry outlet, + Have we searched, but all in vain. + +WOMEN Night has spread her pall once more, + And the pris'ner still is free: + +MEN Warders are we? Whom do we ward? + Whom do we ward? + Warders are we? Whom do we ward? + Whom do we ward? + +WOMEN Open is his dungeon door, + Useless his dungeon key! + +ALL Spite of us all, he is free, he is free! + +MEN Pretty warders are we, he is free! + Spite of us all, he is free, he is free! + +WOMEN Open is his dungeon door, + +MEN Spite of us all, he is free, he is free! + Pretty warders are we, he is free! He is free! + +WOMEN He is free! He is free! + Pretty warders are ye, + +ALL He is free! He is free! + Pretty warders are ye/we! + + [Exeunt all. + + [Enter JACK POINT, in low spirits, reading from a huge + volume + +POINT [reads] "The Merrie Jestes of Hugh Ambrose, No. + 7863.The Poor Wit and the Rich Councillor. A certayne + poor wit, being an-hungered, did meet a well-fed + councillor.'Marry, fool,' quothe the councillor, + 'whither away?' 'In truth,' said the poor wag, 'in + that I have eaten naught these two dayes, I do wither + away, and that right rapidly!' The Councillor laughed + hugely, and gave him a sausage." Humph! the councillor + was easier to please than my new master the + Lieutenant. I would like to take post under that + councillor. Ah! 'tis but melancholy mumming when poor + heart-broken, jilted Jack Point must needs turn to + Hugh Ambrose for original light humour! + + [Enter WILFRED, also in low spirits. + +WILFRED [sighing] Ah, Master Point! + +POINT [changing his manner] Ha! friend jailer! Jailer that + wast-- jailer that never shalt be more! Jailer that + jailed not, or that jailed, if jail he did, so + unjailery that 'twas but jerry-jailing, or jailing in + joke-- though no joke to him who, by unjailerlike + jailing, did so jeopardise his jailership. Come, take + heart, smile, laugh, wink, twinkle, thou tormentor + that tormentest none-- thou racker that rackest not-- + thou pincher out of place-- come, take heart, and be + merry, as I am!-- [aside, dolefully]-- as I am! + +WILFRED Aye, it's well for thee to laugh. Thou hast a good + post, and hast cause to be merry. + +POINT [bitterly] Cause? Have we not all cause? Is not the + world a big butt of humour, into which all who will + may drive a gimlet? See, I am a salaried wit; and is + there aught in nature more ridiculous? A poor, dull, + heart-broken man, who must needs be merry, or he will + be whipped; who must rejoice, lest he starve; who must + jest you, jibe you, quip you, crank you, wrack you, + riddle you, from hour to hour, from day to day, from + year to year, lest he dwindle, perish, starve, + pine,and die! Why, when there's naught else to laugh + at, I laugh at myself till I ache for it! + +WILFRED Yet I have often thought that a jester's calling would + suit me to a hair. + +POINT Thee? Would suit thee, thou death's head and cross- + bones? + +WILFRED Aye, I have a pretty wit-- a light, airy, joysome wit, + spiced with anecdotes of prison cells and the torture + chamber. Oh, a very delicate wit! I have tried it on + many a prisoner, and there have been some who smiled. + Now it is not easy to make a prisoner smile. And it + should not be difficult to be a good jester, seeing + that thou are one. + +POINT Difficult? Nothing easier. Nothing easier. Attend, and + I will prove it to thee! + + No. 14. Oh! a private buffoon is a light-hearted loon + (SONG) + Point + +POINT Oh! a private buffoon is a light-hearted loon, + If you listen to popular rumour; + From morning to night he's so joyous and bright, + And he bubbles with wit and good humour! + He's so quaint and so terse, + Both in prose and in verse; + Yet though people forgive his transgression, + There are one or two rules that all family fools + Must observe, if they love their profession. + There are one or two rules, + Half-a-dozen, maybe, + That all family fools, + Of whatever degree, + Must observe if they love their profession. + + If you wish to succeed as a jester, you'll need + To consider each person's auricular: + What is all right for B would quite scandalize C + (For C is so very particular); + And D may be dull, and E's very thick skull + Is as empty of brains as a ladle; + While F is F sharp, and will cry with a carp, + That he's known your best joke from his cradle! + When your humour they flout, + You can't let yourself go; + And it does put you out + When a person says, "Oh! + I have known that old joke from my cradle!" + + If your master is surly, from getting up early + (And tempers are short in the morning), + An inopportune joke is enough to provoke + Him to give you, at once, a month's warning. + Then if you refrain, he is at you again, + For he likes to get value for money: + He'll ask then and there, with an insolent stare, + "If you know that you're paid to be funny?" + It adds to the tasks + Of a merryman's place, + When your principal asks, + With a scowl on his face, + If you know that you're paid to be funny? + + Comes a Bishop, maybe, or a solemn D.D.-- + Oh, beware of his anger provoking! + Better not pull his hair-- + Don't stick pins in his chair; + He won't understand practical joking. + If the jests that you crack have an orthodox smack, + You may get a bland smile from these sages; + But should it, by chance, be imported from France, + Half-a-crown is stopped out of your wages! + It's a general rule, + Tho' your zeal it may quench, + If the Family Fool + Makes a joke that's too French, + Half-a-crown is stopped out of his wages! + + Though your head it may rack with a bilious attack, + And your senses with toothache you're losing, + And you're mopy and flat-- + they don't fine you for that + If you're properly quaint and amusing! + Though your wife ran away with a soldier that day, + And took with her your trifle of money; + Bless your heart, they don't mind-- + they're exceedingly kind-- + They don't blame you--as long as you're funny! + It's a comfort to feel + If your partner should flit, + Though you suffer a deal, + They don't mind it a bit-- + They don't blame you--so long as you're funny! + +POINT And so thou wouldst be a jester eh? + +WILFRED Aye! + +POINT Now, listen! My sweetheart, Elsie Maynard, was + secretly wed to this Fairfax half an hour ere he + escaped. + +WILFRED She did well. + +POINT She did nothing of the kind, so hold thy peace and + perpend. Now, while he liveth she is dead to me and I + to her, and so, my jibes and jokes notwithstanding, I + am the saddest and the sorriest dog in England! + +WILFRED Thou art a very dull dog indeed. + +POINT Now, if thou wilt swear that thou didst shoot this + Fairfax while he was trying to swim across the river-- + it needs but the discharge of an arquebus on a dark + night-- and that he sank and was seen no more, I'll + make thee the very Archbishop of jesters, and that in + two days'time! Now, what sayest thou? + +WILFRED I am to lie? + +POINT Heartily. But thy lie must be a lie of circumstance, + which I will support with the testimony of eyes, + ears,and tongue. + +WILFRED And thou wilt qualify me as a jester? + +POINT As a jester among jesters. I will teach thee all my + original songs, my self-constructed riddles, my own + ingenious paradoxes; nay, more, I will reveal to thee + the source whence I get them. Now, what sayest thou? + +WILFRED Why, if it be but a lie thou wantest of me, I hold it + cheap enough, and I say yes, it is a bargain! + + No. 15. Hereupon we're both agreed + (DUET) + Point and Wilfred + +BOTH Hereupon we're both agreed, + All that we two + Do agree to + We'll secure by solemn deed, + To prevent all + Error mental. + +POINT You on Elsie are to call + With a story + Grim and gory; + +WILFRED How this Fairfax died, and all + I declare to + You're to swear to. + +POINT I to swear to! + +WILFRED I declare to, + +POINT I to swear to! + +WILFRED I declare to, + +BOTH I to swear to,/I declare to, + You declare to,/You're to swear to, + I to swear to,/I declare to. + +BOTH Tell a tale of cock and bull, + Of convincing detail full + Tale tremendous, + Heav'n defend us! + What a tale of cock and bull! + + In return for your/my own part + You are/I am making, undertaking + To instruct me/you in the art + (Art amazing, wonder raising) + +POINT Of a jester, jesting free. + Proud position-- + High ambition! + +WILFRED And a lively one I'll be, + Wag-a-wagging, + Never flagging! + +POINT Wag-a-wagging, + +WILFRED Never flagging, + +POINT Wag-a-wagging, + +WILFRED Never flagging, + +BOTH Never flagging,/Wag-a-wagging, + Wag-a-wagging,/Never flagging, + Never flagging,/Wag-a-wagging! + +BOTH Tell a tale of cock and bull, + Of convincing detail full + Tale tremendous, + Heav'n defend us! + What a tale of cock and bull! + +POINT What a tale of cock, + +WILFRED What a tale of bull! + +POINT What a tale of cock, + +WILFRED What a tale of bull! + +BOTH What a tale of cock and bull, + Cock and bull, cock and bull, + Heav'n defend us! + What a tale of cock and bull! + + [Exeunt together. + + [Enter FAIRFAX + +FAIRFAX Two days gone, and no news of poor Fairfax. The dolts! + They seek him everywhere save within a dozen yards of + his dungeon. So I am free! Free, but for the cursed + haste with which I hurried headlong into the bonds of + matrimony with-- Heaven knows whom! As far as I + remember, she should have been young; but even had not + her face been concealed by her kerchief, I doubt + whether, in my then plight, I should have taken much + note of her. Free? Bah! The Tower bonds were but a + thread of silk compared with these conjugal fetters + which I, fool that I was, placed upon mine own hands. + From the one I broke readily enough-- how to break the + other! + + + No. 16. Free from his fetters grim + (BALLAD) + Fairfax + +FAIRFAX Free from his fetters grim-- + Free to depart; + Free both in life and limb-- + In all but heart! + Bound to an unknown bride + For good and ill; + Ah, is not one so tied + A pris'ner still, a pris'ner still? + Ah, is not one so tied + A pris'ner still? + + Free, yet in fetters held + Till his last hour, + Gyves that no smith can weld, + No rust devour! + Although a monarch's hand + Had set him free, + Of all the captive band + The saddest he, the saddest he! + Of all the captive band + The saddest, saddest he! + + [Enter SERGEANT MERYLL + +FAIRFAX Well, Sergeant Meryll, and how fares thy pretty + charge,Elsie Maynard? + +MERYLL Well enough, sir. She is quite strong again, and + leaves us to-night. + +FAIRFAX Thanks to Dame Carruthers' kind nursing, eh? + +MERYLL Aye, deuce take the old witch! Ah, 'twas but a sorry + trick you played me, sir, to bring the fainting girl + to me. It gave the old lady an excuse for taking up + her quarters in my house, and for the last two years + I've shunned her like the plague. Another day of it + and she would have married me! [Enter DAME CARRUTHERS + and KATE] Good Lord, here she is again! I'll e'en go. + [Going] + +DAME Nay, Sergeant Meryll, don't go. I have something of + grave import to say to thee. + +MERYLL [aside] It's coming. + +FAIRFAX [laughing] I'faith, I think I', not wanted here. + [Going] + +DAME Nay, Master Leonard, I've naught to say to thy father + that his son may not hear. + +FAIRFAX [aside] True. I'm one of the family; I had forgotten! + +DAME 'Tis about this Elsie Maynard. A pretty girl, Master + Leonard. + +FAIRFAX Aye, fair as a peach blossom-- what then? + +DAME She hath a liking for thee, or I mistake not. + +FAIRFAX With all my heart. She's as dainty a little amid as + you'll find in a midsummer day's march. + +DAME Then be warned in time, and give not thy heart to her. + Oh, I know what it is to give my heart to one who will + have none of it! + +MERYLL [aside] Aye, she knows all about that. + [Aloud] And why is my boy to take heed of her? She's + a good girl, Dame Carruthers. + +DAME Good enough, for aught I know. But she's no girl. + She's a married woman. + +MERYLL A married woman! Tush, old lady-- she's promised to + Jack Point, the Lieutenant's new jester. + +DAME Tush in thy teeth, old man! As my niece Kate sat by + her bedside to-day, this Elsie slept, and as she slept + she moaned and groaned, and turned this way and that + way-- and, "How shall I marry one I have never seen?" + quoth she-- then, "An hundred crowns!" quoth she-- + then,"Is it certain he will die in an hour?" quoth + she-- then, "I love him not, and yet I am his wife," + quoth she! Is it not so, Kate? + +KATE Aye, aunt, 'tis even so. + +FAIRFAX Art thou sure of all this? + +KATE Aye, sir, for I wrote it all down on my tablets. + +DAME Now, mark my words: it was of this Fairfax she spake, + and he is her husband, or I'll swallow my kirtle! + +MERYLL [aside] Is it true, sir? + +FAIRFAX [aside to MERYLL] True? Why, the girl was raving! + [Aloud] Why should she marry a man who had but an hour + to live? + +DAME Marry? There be those who would marry but for a + minute, rather than die old maids. + +MERYLL [aside] Aye, I know one of them! + + No. 17. Strange adventure! + (QUARTET) + Kate, Dame, Carruthers, Fairfax and Sergeant Meryll + +ALL Strange adventure! Maiden wedded + To a groom she's never seen-- + Never, never, never seen! + Groom about to be beheaded, + In an hour on Tower Green! + Tower, Tower, Tower Green! + Groom in dreary dungeon lying, + Groom as good as dead, or dying, + For a pretty maiden sighing-- + Pretty maid of seventeen! + Seven-- seven-- seventeen! + + Strange adventure that we're trolling: + Modest maid and gallant groom-- + Gallant, gallant, gallant groom!-- + While the funeral bell is tolling, + Tolling, tolling, Bim-a-boom! + Bim-a, Bim-a, Bim-a-boom! + Modest maiden will not tarry; + Though but sixteen year she carry, + She must marry, she must marry, + Though the altar be a tomb-- + Tower-- Tower-- Tower tomb! + Tower tomb! Tower tomb! + Though the altar be a tomb! + Tower, Tower, Tower tomb! + + [Exeunt DAME CARRUTHERS, MERYLL, and KATE. + +FAIRFAX So my mysterious bride is no other than this winsome + Elsie! By my hand, 'tis no such ill plunge in + Fortune's lucky bag! I might have fared worse with my + eyes open! But she comes. Now to test her principles. + 'Tis not every husband who has a chance of wooing his + own wife! + + [Enter ELSIE + +FAIRFAX Mistress Elsie! + +ELSIE Master Leonard! + +FAIRFAX So thou leavest us to-night? + +ELSIE Yes. Master Leonard. I have been kindly tended, and I + almost fear I am loth to go. + +FAIRFAX And this Fairfax. Wast thou glad when he escaped? + +ELSIE Why, truly, Master Leonard, it is a sad thing that a + young and gallant gentleman should die in the very + fullness of his life. + +FAIRFAX Then when thou didst faint in my arms, it was for joy + at his safety? + +ELSIE It may be so. I was highly wrought, Master Leonard, + and I am but a girl, and so, when I an highly wrought, + I faint. + +FAIRFAX Now, dost thou know, I am consumed with a parlous + jealousy? + +ELSIE Thou? And of whom? + +FAIRFAX Why, of this Fairfax, surely! + +ELSIE Of Colonel Fairfax? + +FAIRFAX Aye. Shall I be frank with thee? Elsie-- I love thee, + ardently, passionately! [ELSIE alarmed and surprised] + Elsie, I have loved thee these two days-- which is a + long time-- and I would fain join my life to thine! + +ELSIE Master Leonard! Thou art jesting! + +FAIRFAX Jesting? May I shrivel into raisins if I jest! I love + thee with a love that is a fever-- with a love that is + a frenzy-- with a love that eateth up my heart! What + sayest thou? Thou wilt not let my heart be eaten up? + +ELSIE [aside] Oh, mercy! What am I to say? + +FAIRFAX Dost thou love me, or hast thou been insensible these + two days? + +ELSIE I love all brave men. + +FAIRFAX Nay, there is love in excess. I thank heaven there are + many brave men in England; but if thou lovest them + all, I withdraw my thanks. + +ELSIE I love the bravest best. But, sir, I may not listen-- + I am not free-- I-- I am a wife! + +FAIRFAX Thou a wife? Whose? His name? His hours are + numbered--nay, his grave is dug and his epitaph set up! + Come, his name? + +ELSIE Oh, sir! keep my secret-- it is the only barrier that + Fate could set up between us. My husband is none other + than Colonel Fairfax! + +FAIRFAX The greatest villain unhung! The most ill-favoured, + ill-mannered, ill-natured, ill-omened, ill-tempered + dog in Christendom! + +ELSIE It is very like. He is naught to me-- for I never saw + him. I was blindfolded, and he was to have died within + the hour; and he did not die-- and I am wedded to him, + and my heart is broken! + +FAIRFAX He was to have died, and he did not die? The + scoundrel! The perjured, traitorous villain! Thou + shouldst have insisted on his dying first, to make + sure. 'Tis the only way with these Fairfaxes. + +ELSIE I now wish I had! + +FAIRFAX [aside] Bloodthirsty little maiden! + [Aloud] A fig for this Fairfax! Be mine-- he will never + know-- he dares not show himself; and if he dare, what + art thou to him? Fly with me, Elsie-- we will be + married tomorrow, and thou shalt be the happiest wife + in England! + +ELSIE Master Leonard! I am amazed! Is it thus that brave + soldiers speak to poor girls? Oh! for shame, for + shame! I am wed-- not the less because I love not my + husband. I am a wife, sir, and I have a duty, and-- oh, + sir!-- thy words terrify me-- they are not honest-- they + are wicked words, and unworthy thy great and brave + heart! Oh,shame upon thee! shame upon thee! + +FAIRFAX Nay, Elsie, I did but jest. I spake but to try thee-- + + [Shot heard + + [Enter SERGEANT MERYLL hastily + + No. 18. Hark! What was that, sir? + (SCENE) + Elsie, Phoebe, Dame Carruthers, Fairfax. Wilfred, Point, + Lieutenant, Sergeant + +MERYLL Hark! What was that, sir? + +FAIRFAX Why, an arquebus-- + Fired from the wharf, unless I much mistake. + +MERYLL Strange-- and at such an hour! What can it mean! + + [Enter CHORUS excitedly + +CHORUS Now what can that have been-- + A shot so late at night, + Enough to cause a fright! + What can the portent mean? + + Are foemen in the land? + Is London to be wrecked? + What are we to expect? + What danger is at hand? + Let us understand + What danger is at hand! + + [LIEUTENANT enters, also POINT and WILFRED + +LIEUT. Who fired that shot? At once the truth declare? + +WILFRED My lord, 'twas I-- to rashly judge forebear! + +POINT My lord, 'twas he-- to rashly judge forebear! + +WILFRED Like a ghost his vigil keeping-- + +POINT Or a spectre all-appalling-- + +WILFRED I beheld a figure creeping-- + +POINT I should rather call it crawling-- + +WILFRED He was creeping-- + +POINT He was crawling-- + +WILFRED He was creeping, creeping-- + +POINT Crawling! + +WILFRED He was creeping-- + +POINT He was crawling-- + +WILFRED He was creeping, creeping-- + +POINT Crawling! + +WILFRED Not a moment's hesitation-- + I myself upon him flung, + With a hurried exclamation + To his draperies I hung; + Then we closed with one another + In a rough-and-tumble smother; + Col'nel Fairfax and no other + Was the man to whom I clung! + +ALL Col'nel Fairfax and no other, + Was the man to whom he clung! + +WILFRED After mighty tug and tussle-- + +POINT It resembled more a struggle-- + +WILFRED He, by dint of stronger muscle-- + +POINT Or by some infernal juggle-- + +WILFRED From my clutches quickly sliding-- + +POINT I should rather call it slipping-- + +WILFRED With a view, no doubt, of hiding-- + +POINT Or escaping to the shipping-- + +WILFRED With a gasp, and with a quiver-- + +POINT I'd describe it as a shiver-- + +WILFRED Down he dived into the river, + And, alas, I cannot swim. + +ALL It's enough to make one shiver, + With a gasp, and with a quiver, + Down he dived into the river; + It was very brave of him! + +WILFRED Ingenuity is catching; + With the view my King of pleasing, + Arquebus from sentry snatching-- + +POINT I should rather call it seizing-- + +WILFRED With an ounce or two of lead + I dispatched him through the head! + +ALL With an ounce or two of lead + He dispatched him through the head! + +WILFRED I discharged it without winking, + Little time I lost in thinking, + Like a stone I saw him sinking-- + +POINT I should say a lump of lead. + +ALL He discharged it without winking, + Little time he lost in thinking. + +WILFRED Like a stone I saw him sinking-- + +POINT I should say a lump of lead. + +WILFRED Like a stone, my boy, I said-- + +POINT Like a heavy lump of lead. + +WILFRED Like a stone, my boy, I said-- + +POINT Like a heavy lump of lead. + +WILFRED Anyhow, the man is dead, + Whether stone or lump of lead! + +ALL Anyhow, the man is dead, + Whether stone or lump of lead! + Arquebus from sentry seizing, + With the view his King of pleasing, + Arquebus from sentry seizing, + With the view his King of pleasing, + Wilfred shot him through the head, + And he's very, very dead! + + And it matters very little + Whether stone or lump of lead, + It is very, very certain that + he's very, very dead! + +LIEUT. The river must be dragged-- no time be lost; + The body must be found, at any cost. + To this attend without undue delay; + So set to work with what dispatch ye may! + + [Exit LIEUTENANT + +ALL Yes, yes, + We'll set to work with what dispatch we may! + + [Men raise WILFRED, and carry him off on their shoulders. + +ALL Hail the valiant fellow who + Did this deed of derring-do! + Honours wait on such an one; + By my head, 'twas bravely done, + 'twas bravely done! + Now, by my head, 'twas bravely done! + + [Exeunt all but ELSIE, POINT, FAIRFAX, and PHOEBE. + +POINT [to ELSIE, who is weeping] Nay, sweetheart, be + comforted. This Fairfax was but a pestilent fellow, + and, as he had to die, he might as well die thus as + any other way. 'Twas a good death. + +ELSIE Still, he was my husband, and had he not been, he was + nevertheless a living man, and now he is dead; and so, + by your leave, my tears may flow unchidden, Master + Point. + +FAIRFAX And thou didst see all this? + +POINT Aye, with both eyes at once-- this and that. The + testimony of one eye is naught-- he may lie. But when + it is corroborated by the other, it is good evidence + that none may gainsay. Here are both present in court, + ready to swear to him! + +PHOEBE But art thou sure it was Colonel Fairfax? Saw you his + face? + +POINT Aye, and a plaguey ill-favoured face too. A very hang- + dog face-- a felon face-- a face to fright the headsman + himself, and make him strike awry. Oh, a plaguey, bad + face, take my word for it. [PHOEBE and FAIRFAX laugh] + How they laugh! "Tis ever thus with simple folk-- an + accepted wit has but to say "Pass the mustard," and + they roar their ribs out! + +FAIRFAX [aside] If ever I come to life again, thou shalt pay + for this, Master Point! + +POINT Now, Elsie, thou art free to choose again, so behold + me: I am young and well-favoured. I have a pretty wit. + I can jest you, jibe you, quip you, crank you, wrack + you, riddle you-- + +FAIRFAX Tush, man, thou knowest not how to woo. 'Tis not to be + done with time-worn jests and thread-bare sophistries; + with quips, conundrums, rhymes, and paradoxes. 'Tis an + art in itself, and must be studied gravely and + conscientiously. + + No. 19. A man who would woo a fair maid + (TRIO) + Elsie, Phoebe, and Fairfax + +FAIRFAX A man who would woo a fair maid, + Should 'prentice himself to the trade; + And study all day, + In methodical way, + How to flatter, cajole, and persuade. + + He should 'prentice himself at fourteen, + And practise from morning to e'en; + And when he's of age, + If he will, I'll engage, + He may capture the heart of a queen, + the heart of a queen! + +ALL It is purely a matter of skill, + Which all may attain if they will. + But every Jack + He must study the knack + If he wants to make sure of his Jill! + If he wants to make sure of his Jill! + +ELSIE If he's made the best use of his time, + His twig he'll so carefully lime + That every bird + Will come down at his word, + Whatever its plumage and clime. + + He must learn that the thrill of a touch + May mean little, or nothing, or much; + It's an instrument rare, + To be handled with care, + And ought to be treated as such, + Ought to be treated as such. + +ALL It is purely a matter of skill, + Which all may attain if they will: + But every Jack, + He must study the knack + If he wants to make sure of his Jill! + If he wants to make sure of his Jill! + +PHOEBE Then a glance may be timid or free; + It will vary in mighty degree, + From an impudent stare + To a look of despair + That no maid without pity can see! + And a glance of despair is no guide-- + It may have its ridiculous side; + It may draw you a tear + Or a box on the ear; + You can never be sure till you've tried! + Never be sure till you've tried! + +ALL It is purely a matter of skill, + Which all may attain if they will: + But every Jack, + He must study the knack + If he wants to make sure of his Jill, + If he wants to make sure of his Jill! + But every Jack, + He must study the knack, + But every Jack, + Must study the knack + If he wants to make sure of his Jill! + Yes, every Jack, + Must study the knack + If he wants to make sure of his Jill! + +FAIRFAX [aside to POINT] Now, listen to me-- 'tis done thus-- + [aloud] Mistress Elsie, there is one here who, as thou + knowest, loves thee right well! + +POINT [aside] That he does-- right well! + +FAIRFAX He is but a man of poor estate, but he hath a loving, + honest heart. He will be a true and trusty husband to + thee, and if thou wilt be his wife, thou shalt lie + curled up in his heart, like a little squirrel in its + nest! + +POINT [aside] 'Tis a pretty figure. A maggot in a nut lies + closer, but a squirrel will do. + +FAIRFAX He knoweth that thou wast a wife-- an unloved and + unloving wife, and his poor heart was near to + breaking. But now that thine unloving husband is dead, + and thou art free, he would fain pray that thou + wouldst hearken unto him, and give him hope that thou + wouldst one day be his! + +PHOEBE [alarmed] He presses her hands-- and whispers in her + ear! Ods bodikins, what does it mean? + +FAIRFAX Now, sweetheart, tell me-- wilt thou be this poor + goodfellow's wife? + +ELSIE If the good, brave man-- is he a brave man? + +FAIRFAX So men say. + +POINT [aside] That's not true, but let it pass. + +ELSIE If the brave man will be content with a poor, + penniless, untaught maid-- + +POINT [aside] Widow-- but let that pass. + +ELSIE I will be his true and loving wife, and that with my + heart of hearts! + +FAIRFAX My own dear love! [Embracing her] + +PHOEBE [in great agitation] Why, what's all this? Brother-- + brother-- it is not seemly! + +POINT [also alarmed, aside] Oh, I can't let that pass! + [Aloud] Hold, enough, Master Leonard! An advocate + should have his fee, but methinks thou art over-paying + thyself! + +FAIRFAX Nay, that is for Elsie to say. I promised thee I would + show thee how to woo, and herein lies the proof of the + virtue of my teaching. Go thou, and apply it + elsewhere! [PHOEBE bursts into tears] + + No. 20. When a wooer goes a-wooing + (QUARTET) + Elsie, Phoebe, Fairfax, and Point + +ELSIE When a wooer Goes a-wooing, + Naught is truer Than his joy. + +FAIRFAX Maiden hushing All his suing-- + Boldly blushing, bravely coy! + Bravely coy! Boldly blushing-- + +ELSIE Boldly blushing, bravely coy! + +ALL Oh, the happy days of doing! + Oh, the sighing and the suing! + When a wooer goes a-wooing, + Oh the sweets that never cloy! + +PHOEBE [weeping] When a brother leaves his sister + For another, sister weeps, + Tears that trickle, + Tears that blister-- + 'Tis but mickle Sister reaps! + +ALL Oh, the doing and undoing, + Oh, the sighing and the suing, + When a brother goes a-wooing, + And a sobbing sister weeps! + +POINT When a jester Is outwitted, + Feelings fester, Heart is lead! + Food for fishes Only fitted, + Jester wishes He was dead! + Food for fishes Only fitted, + Jester wishes He was dead! + +ALL Oh, the doing and undoing, + Oh, the sighing and the suing, + When a jester goes a-wooing, + And he wishes he was dead! + + Oh, the doing and undoing, + Oh, the sighing and the suing, + When a jester goes a-wooing, + And he wishes he was dead, + And he wishes he was dead! + + [Exeunt all but PHOEBE, who remains weeping. + +PHOEBE And I helped that man to escape, and I've kept his + secret, and pretended that I was his dearly loving + sister, and done everything I could think of to make + folk believe I was his loving sister, and this is his + gratitude! Before I pretend to be sister to anybody + again, I'll turn nun, and be sister to everybody-- one + as much as another! + + [Enter WILFRED + +WILFRED In tears, eh? What a plague art thou grizzling for + now? + +PHOEBE Why am I grizzling? Thou hast often wept for jealousy-- + well, 'tis for jealousy I weep now. Aye, yellow, + bilious, jaundiced jealousy. So make the most of that, + Master Wilfred. + +WILFRED But I have never given thee cause for jealousy. The + Lieutenant's cook-maid and I are but the merest + gossips! + +PHOEBE Jealous of thee! Bah! I'm jealous of no craven cock- + on-a-hill, who crows about what he'd do an he dared! + I am jealous of another and a better man than thou-- + set that down, Master Wilfred. And he is to marry + Elsie Maynard, the pale little fool-- set that down + Master Wilfred-- and my heart is wellnigh broken! + There, thou hast it all! Make the most of it! + +WILFRED The man thou lovest is to marry Elsie Maynard? Why, + that is no other than thy brother, Leonard Meryll! + +PHOEBE [aside] Oh, mercy! what have I said? + +WILFRED Why, what matter of brother is this, thou lying little + jade? Speak! Who is this man whom thou hast called + brother, and fondled, and coddled, and kissed!-- with + my connivance, too! Oh Lord! with my connivance! Ha! + should it be this Fairfax! [PHOEBE starts] It is! It + is this accursed Fairfax! It's Fairfax! Fairfax, who-- + +PHOEBE Whom thou hast just shot through the head, and who + lies at the bottom of the river! + +WILFRED A-- I-- I may have been mistaken. We are but fallible + mortals, the best of us. But I'll make sure-- I'll make + sure. [Going] + +PHOEBE Stay-- one word. I think it cannot be Fairfax-- mind, I + say I think-- because thou hast just slain Fairfax. But + whether he be Fairfax or no Fairfax, he is to marry + Elsie-- and-- and-- as thou hast shot him through the + head, and he is dead, be content with that, and I will + be thy wife! + +WILFRED Is that sure? + +PHOEBE Aye, sure enough, for there's no help for it! Thou art + a very brute-- but even brutes must marry, I suppose. + +WILFRED My beloved. [Embraces her] + +PHOEBE [aside] Ugh! + + [Enter LEONARD MERYLL, hastily + +LEONARD Phoebe, rejoice, for I bring glad tidings. Colonel + Fairfax's reprieve was signed two days since, but it + was foully and maliciously kept back by Secretary + Poltwhistle, who designed that it should arrive after + the Colonel's death. It hath just come to hand, and it + is now in the Lieutenant's possession! + +PHOEBE Then the Colonel is free? Oh, kiss me, kiss me, my + dear! Kiss me, again, and again! + +WILFRED [dancing with fury] Ods bobs, death o' my life! Art + thou mad? Am I mad? Are we all mad? + +PHOEBE Oh, my dear-- my dear, I'm well nigh crazed with joy! + [Kissing LEONARD] + +WILFRED Come away from him, thou hussy-- thou jade-- thou + kissing, clinging cockatrice! And as for thee, sir, + devil take thee, I'll rip thee like a herring for + this! I'll skin thee for it! I'll cleave thee to the + chine! I'll-- oh! Phoebe! Phoebe! Who is this man? + +PHOEBE Peace, fool. He is my brother! + +WILFRED Another brother! Are there any more of them? Produce + them all at once, and let me know the worst! + +PHOEBE This is the real Leonard, dolt; the other was but his + substitute. The real Leonard, I say-- my father's own + son. + +WILFRED How do I know this? Has he "brother" writ large on his + brow? I mistrust thy brothers! Thou art but a false + jade! + + [Exit LEONARD. + +PHOEBE Now, Wilfred, be just. Truly I did deceive thee + before-- but it was to save a precious life-- and to + save it, not for me, but for another. They are to be + wed this very day. Is not this enough for thee? Come-- + I am thy Phoebe-- thy very own-- and we will be wed in + a year-- or two-- or three, at the most. Is not that + enough for thee? + + [Enter SERGEANT MERYLL, excitedly, followed by DAME + CARRUTHERS, who listens, unobserved. + +MERYLL Phoebe, hast thou heard the brave news? + +PHOEBE [still in WILFRED's arms] Aye, father. + +MERYLL I'm nigh mad with joy! [Seeing WILFRED] Why, what's + all this? + +PHOEBE Oh, father, he discovered our secret thorough my + folly, and the price of his silence is-- + +WILFRED Phoebe's heart. + +PHOEBE Oh, dear, no-- Phoebe's hand. + +WILFRED It's the same thing! + +PHOEBE Is it? + + [Exeunt WILFRED and PHOEBE. + +MERYLL [looking after them] "Tis pity, but the Colonel had to + be saved at any cost, and as thy folly revealed our + secret, thy folly must e'en suffer for it! + + [DAME CARRUTHERS comes down] Dame Carruthers! + +DAME So this is a plot to shield this arch-fiend, and I + have detected it. A word from me, and three heads + besides his would roll from their shoulders! + +MERYLL Nay, Colonel Fairfax is reprieved. + [Aside] Yet, if my complicity in his escape were + known! Plague on the old meddler! There's nothing for + it-- + [aloud]-- Hush, pretty one! Such bloodthirsty words ill + become those cherry lips! + [Aside] Ugh! + +DAME [bashfully] Sergeant Meryll! + +MERYLL Why, look ye, chuck-- for many a month I've-- I've + thought to myself-- "There's snug love saving up in + that middle-aged bosom for some one, and why not for + thee-- that's me-- so take heart and tell her-- that's + thee-- that thou-- that's me-- lovest her-- thee-- and-- + and-- well,I'm a miserable old man, and I've done it-- + and that's me!" But not a word about Fairfax! The + price of thy silence is-- + +DAME Meryll's heart? + +MERYLL No, Meryll's hand. + +DAME It's the same thing! + +MERYLL Is it? + + No. 21. Rapture, rapture + (DUET) + Dame Carruthers and Sergeant Meryll + +DAME Rapture, rapture + When love's votary, + Flushed with capture, + Seeks the notary, + Joy and jollity + Then is polity; + Reigns frivolity! + Rapture, rapture! + Joy and jollity + Then is polity; + Reigns frivolity! + Rapture, rapture! + +MERYLL Doleful, doleful! + When humanity + With its soul full + Of satanity, + Courting privity, + Down declivity + Seeks captivity! + Doleful, doleful! + Courting privity, + Down declivity + Seeks captivity! + Doleful, doleful! + +DAME Joyful, joyful! + When virginity + Seeks, all coyful, + Man's affinity; + Fate all flowery, + Bright and bowery, + Is her dowery! + Joyful, joyful! + Fate all flowery, + Bright and bowery, + Is her dowery! + Joyful, joyful! + +MERYLL Ghastly, ghastly! + When man, sorrowful, + Firstly, lastly, + Of to-morrow full, + After tarrying, + Yields to harrying-- + Goes a-marrying. + Ghastly, ghastly! + +DAME Joyful, joyful! + +MERYLL Ghastly, ghastly! + +DAME Joyful, joyful! + +MERYLL Ghastly, ghastly! + + DAME MERYLL + + Joyful, joyful! Ghastly, ghastly! + Joyful, joyful, joyful! Ghastly, ghastly,ghastly! + + Rapture, rapture Doleful, doleful! + When love's votary, When humanity + Flushed with capture, With its soul full + Seeks the notary, Of satanity, + Joy and jollity Courting privity, + Then is polity; Down declivity + Reigns frivolity! Seeks captivity! + Rapture, rapture! Doleful, doleful! + Joy and jollity Courting privity, + Then is polity; Down declivity + Reigns frivolity! Seeks captivity! + Rapture, rapture! Doleful, doleful! + Rapture, rapture! Doleful, doleful! + Rapture, rapture, Doleful, doleful, + Rapture, rapture! Doleful, doleful! + Joy and jollity Courting privity, + Then is polity; Down declivity + Reigns frivolity! Seeks captivity! + Rapture, rapture! Doleful, doleful! + + [Exeunt DAME and SERGEANT MERYLL. + + No. 22. Comes the pretty young bride + (FINALE OF ACT II) + Ensemble + + [Enter YEOMEN and WOMEN + +WOMEN Comes the pretty young bride, + a-blushing, timidly shrinking-- + Set all thy fears aside-- + cheerily, pretty young bride! + Brave is the youth to whom thy lot + thou art willingly linking! + Flower of valour he-- + loving as loving can be! + Brightly thy summer is shining, + Brightly thy summer is shining, + Fair as the dawn, as the dawn of the day; + Take him, be true to him-- + Tender his due to him-- + Honour him, honour him, love and obey! + + [Enter DAME, PHOEBE, and ELSIE as Bride + +PHOEBE, ELSIE + & DAME 'Tis said that joy in full perfection + Comes only once to womankind-- + That, other times, on close inspection, + Some lurking bitter we shall find. + If this be so, and men say truly, + My day of joy has broken duly + With happiness my/her soul is cloyed-- + With happiness is cloyed-- + With happiness my/her soul is cloyed-- + This is my/her joy-day + unalloyed, unalloyed, + This is my/her joy-day unalloyed! + +ALL Yes, yes, with happiness her soul is cloyed! + This is her joy-day unalloyed! + + [Flourish. Enter LIEUTENANT + +LIEUT. Hold, pretty one! I bring to thee + News-- good or ill, it is for thee to say. + Thy husband lives-- and he is free, + And comes to claim his bride this very day! + +ELSIE No! No! recall those words-- it cannot be! + + [all four blocks below sung at once] + + KATE and CHORUS DAME CARRUTHERS and PHOEBE + + Oh, day of terror! Oh, day of terror! + Oh, day of terror! Oh, day of terror! + Day of terror! The man to whom thou art + Day of tears! allied + Day of terror! Appears to claim thee + Day of tears! as his bride. + + Who is the man who, The man to whom thou art + In his pride, allied + Claims thee as his bride? And claim me as his bride. + Day of terror! Day of terror! + Day of tears! Day of tears! + + LIEUT., MERYLL, and WILFRED ELSIE + + Come, dry these unbecoming tears, + Most joyful tidings greet + thine ears, + Come, dry these unbecoming tears, Oh, Leonard, + Most joyful tidings greet Oh,Leonard, + thine ears, Come thou to my side, + + The man to whom thou art allied And claim me as + Appears to claim thee thy loving bride! + as his bride. Day of terror! + The man to whom thou art allied Day of tears! + Appears to claim thee + as his bride. + + [Flourish. Enter COLONEL FAIRFAX, handsomely dressed,and + attended by other Gentlemen + +FAIRFAX [sternly] All thought of Leonard + Meryll set aside. + Thou art mine own! I claim thee as my bride. + +ALL Thou art his own! + Alas! he claims thee as his bride. + +ELSIE A suppliant at thy feet I fall; + Thine heart will yield to pity's call! + +FAIRFAX Mine is a heart of massive rock, + Unmoved by sentimental shock! + +ALL Thy husband he! + +ELSIE [aside] Leonard, my loved one-- come to me. + They bear me hence away! + But though they take me far from thee, + My heart is thine for aye! + + My bruised heart, + My broken heart, + Is thine, my own, for aye! + Is thine, is thine, my own, + Is thine, for aye! + +ELSIE [To FAIRFAX] Sir, I obey! + I am thy bride; + But ere the fatal hour + I said the say + That placed me in thy pow'r + Would I had died! + Sir, I obey! + I am thy bride! + + [Looks up and recognizes FAIRFAX + + Leonard! + +FAIRFAX My own! + +ELSIE Ah! [Embrace] + +ELSIE & + FAIRFAX With happiness my soul is cloyed, + This is our joy-day unalloyed! + +ALL Yes, yes! + With happiness their souls are cloyed, + This is their joy-day unalloyed! + With happiness their souls are cloyed, + This is their joy-day unalloyed, + Their joy-day unalloyed, unalloyed! + + [Enter JACK POINT + +POINT Oh, thoughtless crew! + Ye know not what ye do! + Attend to me, and shed a tear or two-- + For I have a song to sing, O! + +ALL Sing me your song, O! + +POINT It is sung to the moon + By a love-lorn loon, + Who fled from the mocking throng, O! + It's a song of a merryman, moping mum, + Whose soul was sad, and whose glance was glum, + Who sipped no sup, and who craved no crumb, + As he sighed for the love of a ladye. + +ALL Heighdy! heighdy! + Misery me--lack-a-day-dee! + He sipped no sup, and he craved no crumb, + As he sighed for the love of a ladye! + +ELSIE I have a song to sing, O! + +ALL What is your song, O! + +ELSIE It is sung with the ring + Of the songs maids sing + Who love with a love life-long, O! + It's the song of a merrymaid, peerly proud, + [optional-- nestling near,] + Who loved her lord, and who laughed aloud + [optional-- but dropped a tear] + At the moan of the merryman, moping mum, + Whose soul was sad, and whose glance was glum, + Who sipped no sup, and who craved no crumb, + As he sighed for the love of a ladye! + +ALL Heighdy! heighdy! + Misery me--lack-a-day-dee! + He sipped no sup, and he craved no crumb, + As he sighed for the love of a ladye! + + Heighdy! heighdy! + Misery me--lack-a-day-dee! + He sipped no sup, and he craved no crumb, + As he sighed for the love of a ladye! + + Heighdy! heighdy! + Heighdy! heighdy! + Heighdy! heighdy! + + [FAIRFAX embraces ELSIE as POINT falls insensible at their + feet. + + CURTAIN + PATIENCE + + or + + Bunthorne's Bride + + + Book by + W.S. GILBERT + + Music by + ARTHUR SULLIVAN + + + First produced at the Opera Comique, London, + on April 23, 1881. + + + PATIENCE + DRAMATIS PERSONAE + + + + + + +Officers of Dragoon Guards + COLONEL CALVERLEY Baritone + MAJOR MURGATROYD Baritone + LIEUT. THE DUKE OF DUNSTABLE Tenor + +REGINALD BUNTHORNE (A Fleshly Poet) Light Baritone + +ARCHIBALD GROSVENOR (An Idyllic Poet) Baritone + +MR. BUNTHORNE'S SOLICITOR Non-singing + +Rapturous Maidens + THE LADY ANGELA Mezzo-Soprano + THE LADY SAPHIR Mezzo-Soprano + THE LADY ELLA Soprano + THE LADY JANE Contralto + +PATIENCE (A Dairy Maid) Soprano + +Chorus of Rapturous MAIDENS and Officers of DRAGOON GUARDS + + + + + + + ACT I--Exterior of Castle Bunthorne + + ACT II--A Glade + + + ACT I + +[Scene: Exterior of Castle Bunthorne, the gateway to which is + seen, R.U.E., and is approached by a drawbridge over a moat. + A rocky eminence R. with steps down to the stage. In front + of it, a rustic bench, on which ANGELA is seated, with ELLA + on her left. Young Ladies wearing aesthetic draperies are + grouped about the stage from R. to L.C., SAPHIR being near + the L. end of the group. The Ladies play on lutes, etc., as + they sing, and all are in the last stage of despair.] + + + No. 1. Twenty love-sick maidens we + (Opening Chorus and Solos) + Maidens, Angela, and Ella + +MAIDENS Twenty love-sick maidens we, + Love-sick all against our will. + Twenty years hence we shall be + Twenty love-sick maidens still! + Twenty love-sick maidens we, + And we die for love of thee! + Twenty love-sick maidens we, + Love-sick all against our will. + Twenty years hence we shall be + Twenty love-sick maidens still! + +ANGELA Love feeds on hope, they say, or love will die; + +MAIDENS Ah, miserie! + +ANGELA Yet my love lives, although no hope have I! + +MAIDENS Ah, miserie! + +ANGELA Alas, poor heart, go hide thyself away, + To weeping concords tune thy roundelay! + Ah, miserie! + +MAIDENS All our love is all for one, + Yet that love he heedeth not, + He is coy and cares for none, + Sad and sorry is our lot! + Ah, miserie! + +ELLA Go, breaking heart, + Go, dream of love requited! + Go, foolish heart, + Go, dream of lovers plighted; + Go, madcap heart, + Go, dream of never waking; + And in thy dream + Forget that thou art breaking! + +MAIDENS Ah, miserie! + +ELLA Forget that thou art breaking! + +MAIDENS Twenty love-sick maidens we, + Love-sick all against our will. + Twenty years hence we shall be + Twenty love-sick maidens still. + Ah, miserie! + +ANGELA There is a strange magic in this love of ours! Rivals as +we all are in the affections of our Reginald, the very +hopelessness of our love is a bond that binds us to one another! + +SAPHIR Jealousy is merged in misery. While he, the very +cynosure of our eyes and hearts, remains icy insensible -- what +have we to strive for? + +ELLA The love of maidens is, to him, as interesting as the +taxes! + +SAPHIR Would that it were! He pays his taxes. + +ANGELA And cherishes the receipts! + +[Enter LADY JANE, L.U.E.] + +SAPHIR Happy receipts! [All sigh heavily] + +JANE [L.C., suddenly] Fools! [They start, and turn to her] + +ANGELA I beg your pardon? + +JANE Fools and blind! The man loves -- wildly loves! + +ANGELA But whom? None of us! + +JANE No, none of us. His weird fancy has lighted, for the +nonce, on Patience, the village milkmaid! + +SAPHIR On Patience? Oh, it cannot be! + +JANE Bah! But yesterday I caught him in her dairy, eating fresh +butter with a tablespoon. Today he is not well! + +SAPHIR But Patience boasts that she has never loved -- that love +is, to her, a sealed book! Oh, he cannot be serious! + +JANE `Tis but a fleeting fancy -- `twill quickly wear away. +[aside, coming down-stage] Oh, Reginald, if you but knew what a +wealth of golden love is waiting for you, stored up in this +rugged old bosom of mine, the milkmaid's triumph would be short +indeed! + +[PATIENCE appears on an eminence, R. She looks down with pity on + the despondent Ladies.] + + + No. 2. Still brooding on their mad infatuation! + (Recitative) + Patience, Saphir, Angela, and Maidens + +PATIENCE Still brooding on their mad infatuation! + I thank thee, Love, thou comest not to me! + Far happier I, free from thy ministration, + Than dukes or duchesses who love can be! + +SAPHIR [looking up] `Tis Patience -- happy girl! Loved by a +poet! + +PATIENCE Your pardon, ladies. I intrude upon you! [Going] + +ANGELA Nay, pretty child, come hither. [PATIENCE descends.] Is +it true that you have never loved? + +PATIENCE Most true indeed. + +SOPRANOS Most marvelous! + +ALTOS And most deplorable! + + + I cannot tell what this love may be + (Solo) + Patience + +PATIENCE I cannot tell what this love may be +[L.C.] That cometh to all but not to me. + It cannot be kind as they'd imply, + Or why do these ladies sigh? + + It cannot be joy and rapture deep, + Or why do these gentle ladies weep? + It cannot be blissful as `tis said, + Or why are their eyes so wondrous red? + + Though ev'rywhere true love I see + A-coming to all, but not to me, + I cannot tell what this love may be! + For I am blithe and I am gay, + While they sit sighing night and day. + + PATIENCE ALL + +For I am blithe and I am gay, Yes, she is blithe and she is + gay, +Think of the gulf `twixt Yes, she is blithe and + them and me, she is gay, +Think of the gulf `twixt them, Yes, she is blithe and +and me, and she is gay, +Fal la la la la la la la la la la la la la la + la la la la la la la la la la la la, +and miserie! Ah, miserie! + + [She dances across R. and back to R.C.] + +PATIENCE If love is a thorn, they show no wit + Who foolishly hug and foster it. + If love is a weed, how simple they + Who gather it, day by day! + + If love is a nettle that makes you smart, + Then why do you wear it next your heart? + And if it be none of these, say I, + Ah, why do you sit and sob and sigh? + + Though ev'rywhere true love I see + A-coming to all, but not to me, + I cannot tell what this love may be! + For I am blithe and I am gay, + While they sit sighing night and day. + + PATIENCE ALL + +For I am blithe and I Yes, she is blithe and she is + am gay, gay, +Think of the gulf `twixt Yes, she is blithe and she is + them and me, gay, +Think of the gulf `twixt Yes, she is blithe and she is + them and me, gay, +Fal la la la la la la la la la la la la la la + la la la la la la la la la la la la, + and miserie! Ah, miserie! + +ANGELA Ah, Patience, if you have never loved, you have never +known true happiness! [All sigh.] + +PATIENCE [C.] But the truly happy always seem to have so much on +their minds. The truly happy never seem quite well. + +JANE [coming L.C.] There is a transcendentality of delirium -- +an acute accentuation of supremest ecstasy -- which the earthy +might easily mistake for indigestion. But it is not indigestion +-- it is aesthetic transfiguration! [to the others.] Enough of +babble. Come! + +PATIENCE [stopping her as she turns to go up C.] But stay, I +have some news for you. The 35th Dragoon Guards have halted in +the village, and are even now on their way to this very spot. + +ANGELA The 35th Dragoon Guards! + +SAPHIR They are fleshly men, of full habit! + +ELLA We care nothing for Dragoon Guards! + +PATIENCE But, bless me, you were all engaged to them a year ago! + +SAPHIR A year ago! + +ANGELA My poor child, you don't understand these things. A year +ago they were very well in our eyes, but since then our tastes +have been etherealized, our perceptions exalted. [to the others] +Come, it is time to lift up our voices in morning carol to our +Reginald. Let us to his door! + +[ANGELA leading, the Ladies go off, two and two, Jane last, over + the drawbridge into the castle, singing refrain of "Twenty + love-sick maidens", and, as before, accompanying themselves + on harps, etc.] + + + No. 2a. Twenty love-sick maidens we + (Chorus) + Maidens + +MAIDENS Twenty love-sick maidens we, + Love-sick all against our will. + Twenty years hence we shall be + Twenty love-sick maidens still! + Ah, miserie! + +[PATIENCE watches them in surprise, and, with a gesture of + complete bafflement, climbs the rock and goes off the way + she entered.] + +[The officers of the DRAGOON GUARDS enter, R., led by the MAJOR. + They form their line across the front of the stage.] + + + No. 3. The soldiers of our Queen + (Chorus and Solo) + Dragoons and Colonel + +DRAGOONS The soldiers of our Queen + Are linked in friendly tether; + Upon the battle scene + They fight the foe together. + + There ev'ry mother's son + Prepared to fight and fall is; + The enemy of one + The enemy of all is! + The enemy of one + The enemy of all is! + + [On an order from the MAJOR they fall back.] + +[Enter the COLONEL. All salute.] + +COLONEL If you want a receipt for that popular mystery, +[C.] Known to the world as a Heavy Dragoon, + +DRAGOONS [saluting] Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! + +COLONEL Take all the remarkable people in history, + Rattle them off to a popular tune. + +DRAGOONS Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! + +COLONEL The pluck of Lord Nelson on board of the Victory-- + Genius of Bismarck devising a plan-- + The humour of Fielding (which sounds contradictory)-- + Coolness of Paget about to trepan-- + The science of Jullien, the eminent musico-- + Wit of Macaulay, who wrote of Queen Anne-- + The pathos of Paddy, as rendered by Boucicault-- + Style of the Bishop of Sodor and Man-- + The dash of a D'Orsay, divested of quackery-- + Narrative powers of Dickens and Thackeray-- + Victor Emmanuel -- peak-haunting Peveril-- + Thomas Aquinas, and Doctor Sacheverell-- + Tupper and Tennyson -- Daniel Defoe-- + Anthony Trollope and Mister Guizot! Ah! + +DRAGOONS Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! + + COLONEL DRAGOONS + +Take of these elements all A Heavy Dragoon, + that is fusible a Heavy Dragoon, +Melt them all down in a A Heavy Dragoon, + pipkin or crucible-- a Heavy Dragoon, +Set them to simmer, A Heavy Dragoon, + and take off the scum, a Heavy Dragoon, +And a Heavy Dragoon Is the residuum! + is the residuum! + +COLONEL If you want a receipt for this soldier-like paragon, + Get at the wealth of the Czar (if you can)-- + The family pride of a Spaniard from Aragon-- + Force of Mephisto pronouncing a ban-- + A smack of Lord Waterford, reckless and rollicky-- + Swagger of Roderick, heading his clan-- + The keen penetration of Paddington Pollaky-- + Grace of an Odalisque on a divan-- + The genius strategic of Caesar or Hannibal-- + Skill of Sir Garnet in thrashing a cannibal-- + Flavour of Hamlet -- the Stranger, a touch of him-- + Little of Manfred (but not very much of him)-- + Beadle of Burlington -- Richardson's show-- + Mister Micawber and Madame Tussaud! Ah! + +DRAGOONS Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! + + COLONEL DRAGOONS + +Take of these elements all A Heavy Dragoon, + that is fusible a Heavy Dragoon, +Melt them all down in a A Heavy Dragoon, + pipkin or crucible-- a Heavy Dragoon, +Set them to simmer, A Heavy Dragoon, + and take off the scum, a Heavy Dragoon, +And a Heavy Dragoon Is the residuum! + is the residuum! + +COLONEL Well, here we are once more on the scene of our former +triumphs. But where's the Duke? + +[Enter DUKE, listlessly, and in low spirits.] + +DUKE Here I am! [Sighs.] + +COLONEL Come, cheer up, don't give way! + +DUKE Oh, for that, I'm as cheerful as a poor devil can be +expected to be who has the misfortune to be a Duke, with a +thousand a day! + +MAJOR Humph! Most men would envy you! + +DUKE Envy me? Tell me, Major, are you fond of toffee? + +MAJOR Very! + +COLONEL We are all fond of toffee. + +ALL We are! + +DUKE Yes, and toffee in moderation is a capital thing. But to +live on toffee -- toffee for breakfast, toffee for dinner, toffee +for tea -- to have it supposed that you care for nothing but +toffee, and that you would consider yourself insulted if anything +but toffee were offered to you -- how would you like that? + +COLONEL I can quite believe that, under those circumstances, +even toffee would become monotonous. + +DUKE For "toffee" read flattery, adulation, and abject +deference, carried to such a pitch that I began, at last, to +think that man was born bent at an angle of forty-five degrees! +Great heavens, what is there to adulate in me? Am I particularly +intelligent, or remarkably studious, or excruciatingly witty, or +unusually accomplished, or exceptionally virtuous? + +COLONEL You're about as commonplace a young man as ever I saw. + +ALL You are! + +DUKE Exactly! That's it exactly! That describes me to a T! +Thank you all very much! [Shakes hands with the Colonel] Well, +I couldn't stand it any longer, so I joined this second-class +cavalry regiment. In the army, thought I, I shall be +occasionally snubbed, perhaps even bullied, who knows? The +thought was rapture, and here I am. + +COLONEL [looking off] Yes, and here are the ladies! + +DUKE But who is the gentleman with the long hair? + +COLONEL I don't know. + +DUKE He seems popular! + +COLONEL He does seem popular! + +[The DRAGOONS back up R., watching the entrance of the Ladies. + BUNTHORNE enters, L.U.E., followed by the Ladies, two and + two, playing on harps as before. He is composing a poem, + and is quite absorbed. He sees no one, but walks across the + stage, followed by the Ladies, who take no notice of the + DRAGOONS -- to the surprise and indignation of those + officers.] + +[Bunthorne, the Ladies following, comes slowly down L. and then + crosses the stage to R.] + + + No. 4. In a doleful train + (Chorus and Solos) + Maidens, Ella, Angela, Saphir, Dragoons, and Bunthorne + +MAIDENS In a doleful train + Two and two we walk all day-- + For we love in vain! + None so sorrowful as they + Who can only sigh and say, + Woe is me, alackaday! + Woe is me, alackaday! + +DRAGOONS Now is not this ridiculous, and is not this + preposterous? + A thorough-paced absurdity -- explain it if you + can. + Instead of rushing eagerly to cherish us and foster us, + They all prefer this melancholy literary man. + Instead of slyly peering at us, + Casting looks endearing at us, + Blushing at us, flushing at us, flirting with a fan; + They're actually sneering at us, fleering at us, + jeering at us! + Pretty sort of treatment for a military man! + They're actually sneering at us, fleering at us, + jeering at us! + Pretty sort of treatment for a military man! + + [Bunthorne, C.] + +ANGELA [R. of BUNTHORNE] Mystic poet, hear our prayer, + Twenty love-sick maidens we-- + Young and wealthy, dark and fair, + All of county family. + And we die for love of thee-- + Twenty love-sick maidens we! + +MAIDENS Yes, we die for love of thee-- + Twenty love-sick maidens we! + +BUNTHORNE [crossing to L.] Though my book I seem to scan + In a rapt ecstatic way, + Like a literary man + Who despises female clay, + I hear plainly all they say, + Twenty love-sick maidens they! + + [BUNTHORNE crosses to C.] + +DRAGOONS [to each other] He hears plainly all they say, + Twenty love-sick maidens they! + +SAPHIR [L. of BUNTHORNE] Though so excellently wise, + For a moment mortal be, + Deign to raise thy purple eyes + From thy heart-drawn poesy. + Twenty lovesick maidens see-- + Each is kneeling on her knee! + + [All kneel.] + +MAIDENS Twenty love-sick maidens see-- + Each is kneeling on her knee! + +BUNTHORNE [going R.] Though, as I remarked before, + Any one convinced would be + That some transcendental lore + Is monopolizing me, + Round the corner I can see + Each is kneeling on her knee! + +DRAGOONS Round the corner he can see + Each is kneeling on her knee! + + Now is not this ridiculous, and is not this preposterous? + A thorough-paced absurdity -- ridiculous! + preposterous! + Explain it if you can. + + MAIDENS DRAGOONS + +In a doleful train Now is not this ridiculous, +Two and two we walk all day, and is not this preposterous? + A thorough-paced absurdity-- +None so sorrowful as they explain it if you can. + +For we love in vain! Instead of rushing eagerly +None so sorrowful as they to cherish us and foster us, +They all prefer this + melancholy literary man. + +Who can only sigh and say, Instead of slyly peering at us, + Casting looks endearing at us, + Blushing at us, flushing at us, + Flirting with a fan; + +Woe is me, alackaday! They're actually sneering at us, + fleering at us, jeering at us! + Pretty sort of treatment for + a military man! + +Woe is me, alackaday! They're actually sneering at us, + fleering at us, jeering at us! + Pretty sort of treatment for + a military man! + +Twenty love-sick maidens we, Now is not this ridiculous, + and is not this preposterous? + They all prefer this melancholy + literary man. + +And we die for love of thee! Now is not this ridiculous, + and is not this preposterous? + They all prefer this melancholy, +Yes, we die for love of thee! melancholy literary man. + Now is not this ridiculous, + and is not this preposterous? + + +COLONEL [R.C.] Angela! what is the meaning of this? + +ANGELA [C.] Oh, sir, leave us; our minds are but ill-tuned to +light love-talk. + +MAJOR [L.C.] But what in the world has come over you all? + +JANE [L.C.] Bunthorne! He has come over us. He has come among +us, and he has idealized us. + +DUKE Has he succeeded in idealizing you? + +JANE He has! + +DUKE Good old Bunthorne! + +JANE My eyes are open; I droop despairingly; I am soulfully +intense; I am limp and I cling! + +[During this BUNTHORNE is seen in all the agonies of composition. + The Ladies are watching him intently as he writhes. At last + he hits on the word he wants and writes it down. A general + sense of relief.] + +BUN. Finished! At last! Finished! + +[He staggers, overcome with the mental strain, into the arms of + the COLONEL.] + +COLONEL Are you better now? + +BUN. Yes -- oh, it's you! -- I am better now. The poem is +finished, and my soul has gone out into it. That was all. It +was nothing worth mentioning, it occurs three times a day. + + [Sees PATIENCE, who has entered during this scene.] + + Ah, Patience! Dear Patience! + + [Holds her hand; she seems frightened.] + +ANGELA Will it please you read it to us, sir? + +SAPHIR This we supplicate. [All kneel.] + +BUN. Shall I? + +DRAGOONS No! + +BUN. [annoyed -- to PATIENCE] I will read it if you bid me! + +PATIENCE [much frightened] You can if you like! + +BUN. It is a wild, weird, fleshy thing; yet very tender, very +yearning, very precious. It is called, "Oh, Hollow! Hollow! +Hollow!" + +PATIENCE Is it a hunting song? + +BUN. A hunting song? No, it is not a hunting song. It is the +wail of the poet's heart on discovering that everything is +commonplace. To understand it, cling passionately to one another +and think of faint lilies. + [They do so as he recites] + + "OH, HOLLOW! HOLLOW! HOLLOW!" + + What time the poet hath hymned + The writhing maid, lithe-limbed, + Quivering on amaranthine asphodel, + How can he paint her woes, + Knowing, as well he knows, + That all can be set right with calomel? + + When from the poet's plinth + The amorous colocynth + Yearns for the aloe, faint with rapturous thrills, + How can he hymn their throes + Knowing, as well he knows, + That they are only uncompounded pills? + + Is it, and can it be, + Nature hath this decree, + Nothing poetic in the world shall dwell? + Or that in all her works + Something poetic lurks, + Even in colocynth and calomel? + I cannot tell. + +[He goes off, L.U.E. All turn and watch him, not speaking until + he has gone.] + +ANGELA How purely fragrant! + +SAPHIR How earnestly precious! + +PATIENCE Well, it seems to me to be nonsense. + +SAPHIR Nonsense, yes, perhaps -- but oh, what precious nonsense! + +COLONEL This is all very well, but you seem to forget that you +are engaged to us. + +SAPHIR It can never be. You are not Empyrean. You are not +Della Cruscan. You are not even Early English. Oh, be Early +English ere it is too late! + + [Officers look at each other in astonishment.] + +JANE [looking at uniform] Red and Yellow! Primary colors! Oh, +South Kensington! + +DUKE We didn't design our uniforms, but we don't see how they +could be improved! + +JANE No, you wouldn't. Still, there is a cobwebby grey velvet, +with a tender bloom like cold gravy, which, made Florentine +fourteenth century, trimmed with Venetian leather and Spanish +altar lace, and surmounted with something Japanese -- it matters +not what -- would at least be Early English! Come, maidens. + +[Exeunt Maidens, L.U.E., two and two, singing refrain of "Twenty + love-sick maidens we". PATIENCE goes off L. The Officers + watch the Ladies go off in astonishment.] + + + No. 4a. Twenty love-sick maidens we + (Chorus) + Maidens + + [As the MAIDENS depart, the DRAGOONS spread across the stage.] + +MAIDENS Twenty love-sick maidens we, + Love-sick all against our will. + Twenty years hence we shall be + Twenty love-sick maidens still! + Ah, miserie! + +DUKE Gentlemen, this is an insult to the British uniform. + +COLONEL A uniform that has been as successful in the courts of +Venus as on the field of Mars! + + + No. 5. When I first put this uniform on + (Solo and Chorus) + Colonel and Dragoons + + [The DRAGOONS form their original line.] + + Song -- COLONEL + + When I first put this uniform on, + I said, as I looked in the glass, + "It's one to a million + That any civilian + My figure and form will surpass. + Gold lace has a charm for the fair, + And I've plenty of that, and to spare, + While a lover's professions, + When uttered in Hessians, + Are eloquent ev'rywhere!" + A fact that I counted upon, + When I first put this uniform on! + + Chorus of DRAGOONS + + By a simple coincidence, few + Could ever have counted upon, + The same thing occurred to me, + When I first put this uniform on! + +COL. I said, when I first put it on, + "It is plain to the veriest dunce, + That every beauty + Will feel it her duty + To yield to its glamour at once. + They will see that I'm freely gold-laced + In a uniform handsome and chaste"-- + But the peripatetics + Of long-haired aesthetics + Are very much more to their taste-- + Which I never counted upon, + When I first put this uniform on! + +CHORUS By a simple coincidence, few + Could ever have reckoned upon, + I didn't anticipate that, + When I first put this uniform on! + + [The DRAGOONS go off angrily, R.] + +[Enter BUNTHORNE, L.U.E., who changes his manner and becomes + intensely melodramatic.] + + + No. 6. Am I alone and unobserved? + (Recitative and Solo) + Bunthorne + +BUN. [Up-stage, he looks off L. and R.] + Am I alone, + And unobserved? I am! + [comes down] + Then let me own + I'm an aesthetic sham! + [and walks tragically to down-stage, C.] + + This air severe + Is but a mere + Veneer! + + This cynic smile + Is but a wile + Of guile! + + This costume chaste + Is but good taste + Misplaced! + + Let me confess! + A languid love for Lilies does not blight me! + Lank limbs and haggard cheeks do not delight me! + I do not care for dirty greens + By any means. + I do not long for all one sees + That's Japanese. + I am not fond of uttering platitudes + In stained-glass attitudes. + In short, my mediaevalism's affectation, + Born of a morbid love of admiration! + + [Tiptoes up-stage, looking L. and R., and comes back down, C.] + +If you're anxious for to shine in the high aesthetic line as a + man of culture rare, +You must get up all the germs of the transcendental terms, and + plant them ev'rywhere. +You must lie upon the daisies and discourse in novel phrases of + your complicated state of mind, +The meaning doesn't matter if it's only idle chatter of a + transcendental kind. + + And ev'ry one will say, + As you walk your mystic way, +"If this young man expresses himself in terms too deep for me, +Why, what a very singularly deep young man this deep young man + must be!" + +Be eloquent in praise of the very dull old days which have long + since passed away, +And convince 'em, if you can, that the reign of good Queen Anne + was Culture's palmiest day. +Of course you will pooh-pooh whatever's fresh and new, and + declare it's crude and mean, +For Art stopped short in the cultivated court of the Empress + Josephine. + + And ev'ryone will say, + As you walk your mystic way, +"If that's not good enough for him which is good enough for me, +Why, what a very cultivated kind of youth this kind of youth must + be!" + +Then a sentimental passion of a vegetable fashion must excite + your languid spleen, +An attachment a la Plato for a bashful young potato, or a not- + too-French French bean! +Though the Philistines may jostle, you will rank as an apostle in + the high aesthetic band, +If you walk down Piccadilly with a poppy or a lily in your + medieval hand. + + And ev'ryone will say, + As you walk your flow'ry way, +"If he's content with a vegetable love which would certainly not + suit me, +Why, what a most particularly pure young man this pure young man + must be!" + + [At the end of his song, PATIENCE enters, L. He sees her.] + +BUN. Ah! Patience, come hither. [She comes to him timidly.] I +am pleased with thee. The bitter-hearted one, who finds all else +hollow, is pleased with thee. For you are not hollow. Are you? + +PATIENCE No, thanks, I have dined; but -- I beg your pardon -- I +interrupt you. [Turns to go; he stops her.] + +BUN. Life is made up of interruptions. The tortured soul, +yearning for solitude, writhes under them. Oh, but my heart is +a-weary! Oh, I am a cursed thing! [She attempts to escape.] +Don't go. + +PATIENCE Really, I'm very sorry. + +BUN. Tell me, girl, do you ever yearn? + +PATIENCE I earn my living. + +BUN. [impatiently] No, no! Do you know what it is to be heart- +hungry? Do you know what it is to yearn for the Indefinable, and +yet to be brought face to face, dally, with the Multiplication +Table? Do you know what it is to seek oceans and to find +puddles? That's my case. Oh, I am a cursed thing! [She turns +again.] Don't go. + +PATIENCE If you please, I don't understand you -- you frighten me! + +BUN. Don't be frightened -- it's only poetry. + +PATIENCE Well, if that's poetry, I don't like poetry. + +BUN. [eagerly] Don't you? [aside] Can I trust her? [aloud] +Patience, you don't like poetry -- well, between you and me, I +don't like poetry. It's hollow, unsubstantial -- unsatisfactory. +What's the use of yearning for Elysian Fields when you know you +can't get `em, and would only let `em out on building leases if +you had `em? + +PATIENCE Sir, I-- + +BUN. Patience, I have long loved you. Let me tell you a secret. +I am not as bilious as I look. If you like, I will cut my hair. +There is more innocent fun within me than a casual spectator +would imagine. You have never seen me frolicsome. Be a good +girl -- a very good girl -- and one day you shall. If you are +fond of touch-and-go jocularity -- this is the shop for it. + +PATIENCE Sir, I will speak plainly. In the matter of love I am +untaught. I have never loved but my great-aunt. But I am quite +certain that, under any circumstances, I couldn't possibly love you. + +BUN. Oh, you think not? + +PATIENCE I'm quite sure of it. Quite sure. Quite. + +BUN. Very good. Life is henceforth a blank. I don't care what +becomes of me. I have only to ask that you will not abuse my +confidence; though you despise me, I am extremely popular with +the other young ladies. + +PATIENCE I only ask that you will leave me and never renew the +subject. + +BUN. Certainly. Broken-hearted and desolate, I go. [Goes up- +stage, suddenly turns and recites.] + + "Oh, to be wafted away, + From this black Aceldama of sorrow, + Where the dust of an earthy to-day + Is the earth of a dusty to-morrow!" + + It is a little thing of my own. I call it "Heart Foam". I +shall not publish it. Farewell! Patience, Patience, farewell! + + [Exit BUNTHORNE.] + +PATIENCE What on earth does it all mean? Why does he love me? +Why does he expect me to love him? [going R.] He's not a +relation! It frightens me! + +[Enter ANGELA, L.] + +ANGELA Why, Patience, what is the matter? + +PATIENCE Lady Angela, tell me two things. Firstly, what on +earth is this love that upsets everybody; and, secondly, how is +it to be distinguished from insanity? + +ANGELA Poor blind child! Oh, forgive her, Eros! Why, love is +of all passions the most essential! It is the embodiment of +purity, the abstraction of refinement! It is the one unselfish +emotion in this whirlpool of grasping greed! + +PATIENCE Oh, dear, oh! [beginning to cry] + +ANGELA Why are you crying? + +PATIENCE To think that I have lived all these years without +having experienced this ennobling and unselfish passion! Why, +what a wicked girl I must be! For it is unselfish, isn't it? + +ANGELA Absolutely! Love that is tainted with selfishness is no +love. Oh, try, try, try to love! It really isn't difficult if +you give your whole mind to it. + +PATIENCE I'll set about it at once. I won't go to bed until I'm +head over ears in love with somebody. + +ANGELA Noble girl! But is it possible that you have never loved +anybody? + +PATIENCE Yes, one. + +ANGELA Ah! Whom? + +PATIENCE My great-aunt-- + +ANGELA Great-aunts don't count. + +PATIENCE Then there's nobody. At least -- no, nobody. Not +since I was a baby. But that doesn't count, I suppose. + +ANGELA I don't know. Tell me about it. + + + No. 7. Long years ago, fourteen maybe + (Duet) + Patience and Angela + +PATIENCE [R.] Long years ago -- fourteen, maybe, + When but a tiny babe of four, + Another baby played with me, + My elder by a year or more; + + A little child of beauty rare, + With marv'lous eyes and wondrous hair, + Who, in my child-eyes, seemed to me + All that a little child should be! + + [She goes to ANGELA, L.C.] + + Ah, how we loved, that child and I! + How pure our baby joy! + How true our love -- and, by the bye, + He was a little boy! + +ANGELA Ah, old, old tale of Cupid's touch! + I thought as much -- I thought as much! + He was a little boy! + +PATIENCE Pray don't misconstrue what I say-- + Remember, pray -- remember, pray, + He was a little boy! + +ANGELA No doubt! Yet, spite of all your pains, + The interesting fact remains - + He was a little boy! + +BOTH Ah, yes, in/No doubt, yet spite of all my/your pains, + The interesting fact remains-- + He was a little boy! + He was a little boy! + + [Exit ANGELA, L.] + +PATIENCE [R.C.] It's perfectly dreadful to think of the +appalling state I must be in! I had no idea that love was a +duty. No wonder they all look so unhappy! Upon my word, I +hardly like to associate with myself. I don't think I'm +respectable. I'll go at once and fall in love with... [As she +turns to go up R., GROSVENOR enters, R.U.E. She sees him and +turns back.] a stranger! + + + No. 8. Prithee, pretty maiden + (Duet) + Patience and Grosvenor + +GROSVENOR [up-stage, R. ] Prithee, pretty maiden -- prithee, +tell me true, + (Hey, but I'm doleful, willow willow waly!) + Have you e'er a lover a-dangling after you? + Hey willow waly O! + [coming down-stage] + + I would fain discover + If you have a lover! + Hey willow waly O! + +PATIENCE [L.] Gentle sir, my heart is frolicsome and free-- + (Hey, but he's doleful, willow willow waly!) + Nobody I care for comes a-courting me-- + Hey willow waly O! + Nobody I care for + Comes a-courting -- therefore, + Hey willow waly O! + +GROSVENOR [C.] Prithee, pretty maiden, will you marry me? + (Hey, but I'm hopeful, willow willow waly!) + I may say, at once, I'm a man of propertee-- + Hey willow waly O! + Money, I despise it; + Many people prize it, + Hey willow waly O! + +PATIENCE Gentle Sir, although to marry I design-- + (Hey, but he's hopeful, willow willow waly!) + As yet I do not know you, and so I must decline. + Hey willow waly O! + To other maidens go you-- + As yet I do not know you, + +BOTH Hey willow waly O! + + +GROS. Patience! Can it be that you don't recognize me? + +PATIENCE [down L.] Recognize you? No, indeed I don't! + +GROS. Have fifteen years so greatly changed me? + +PATIENCE [turning to him] Fifteen years? What do you mean? + +GROS. Have you forgotten the friend of your youth, your +Archibald? -- your little playfellow? Oh, Chronos, Chronos, this +is too bad of you! [Comes down, C.] + +PATIENCE Archibald! Is it possible? Why, let me look! It is! +It is! [takes his hands.] It must be! Oh, how happy I am! I +thought we should never meet again! And how you've grown! + +GROS. Yes, Patience, I am much taller and much stouter than I +was. + +PATIENCE And how you've improved! + +GROS. [dropping her hands and turning] Yes, Patience, I am very +beautiful! [Sighs.] + +PATIENCE But surely that doesn't make you unhappy? + +GROS. Yes, Patience. Gifted as I am with a beauty which +probably has not its rival on earth, I am, nevertheless, utterly +and completely miserable. + +PATIENCE Oh -- but why? + +GROS. My child-love for you has never faded. Conceive, then, +the horror of my situation when I tell you that it is my hideous +destiny to be madly loved at first sight by every woman I come +across! + +PATIENCE But why do you make yourself so picturesque? Why not +disguise yourself, disfigure yourself, anything to escape this +persecution? + +GROS. No, Patience, that may not be. These gifts -- irksome as +they are -- were given to me for the enjoyment and delectation of +my fellow-creatures. I am a trustee for Beauty, and it is my +duty to see that the conditions of my trust are faithfully +discharged. + +PATIENCE And you, too, are a Poet? + +GROS. Yes, I am the Apostle of Simplicity. I am called +"Archibald the All-Right" -- for I am infallible! + +PATIENCE And is it possible that you condescend to love such a +girl as I? + +GROS. Yes, Patience, is it not strange? I have loved you with a +Florentine fourteenth-century frenzy for full fifteen years! + +PATIENCE Oh, marvelous! I have hitherto been deaf to the voice +of love. I seem now to know what love is! It has been revealed +to me -- it is Archibald Grosvenor! + +GROS. Yes, Patience, it is! [She goes into his arms.] + +PATIENCE [as in a trance] We will never, never part! + +GROS. We will live and die together! + +PATIENCE I swear it! + +GROS. We both swear it! + +PATIENCE [recoiling from him] But -- oh, horror! + +GROS. What's the matter? + +PATIENCE Why, you are perfection! A source of endless ecstasy +to all who know you! + +GROS. I know I am. Well? + +PATIENCE Then, bless my heart, there can be nothing unselfish in +loving you! + +GROS. Merciful powers! I never thought of that! + +PATIENCE To monopolize those features on which all women love to +linger! It would be unpardonable! + +GROS. Why, so it would! Oh, fatal perfection, again you +interpose between me and my happiness! + +PATIENCE Oh, if you were but a thought less beautiful than you +are! + +GROS. Would that I were; but candour compels me to admit that +I'm not! + +PATIENCE Our duty is clear; we must part, and for ever! + +GROS. Oh, misery! And yet I cannot question the propriety of +your decision. Farewell, Patience! + +PATIENCE Farewell, Archibald! [they both turn to go.] + [suddenly] But stay! + +GROS. Yes, Patience? + +PATIENCE Although I may not love you -- for you are perfection - +- there is nothing to prevent your loving me. I am plain, +homely, unattractive! + +GROS. Why, that's true! + +PATIENCE The love of such a man as you for such a girl as I must +be unselfish! + +GROS. Unselfishness itself! + + + No. 8a. Though to marry you would very selfish be + (Duet) + Patience and Grosvenor + +PATIENCE Though to marry you would very selfish be-- + +GROSVENOR Hey, but I'm doleful -- willow willow waly! + +PATIENCE You may, all the same, continue loving me -- + +GROSVENOR Hey willow waly O! + +BOTH All the world ignoring, + You'll/I'll go on adoring-- + Hey, willow waly O! + + [They go off sadly -- PATIENCE, L., GROSVENOR, R.U.E.] + + + No. 9. Let the merry cymbals sound + (Finale of Act I) + Ensemble + +[Enter BUNTHORNE, crowned with roses and hung about with + garlands, and looking very miserable. He is led by ANGELA + and SAPHIR (each of whom holds an end of the rose-garland by + which he is bound), and accompanied by procession of + Maidens. They are dancing classically, and playing on + cymbals, double pipes, and other archaic instruments. JANE + last, with a very large pair of cymbals.] + +[The procession enters over the drawbridge, BUNTHORNE being + preceded by the Chorus. They go R. and round the stage, + ending with BUNTHORNE down L.C., with ANGELA on his R., + SAPHIR on his L., JANE up C.] + +MAIDENS Let the merry cymbals sound, + Gaily pipe Pandaean pleasure, + With a Daphnephoric bound + Tread a gay but classic measure, + Tread a gay but classic measure. + Ev'ry heart with hope is beating, + For, at this exciting meeting + Fickle Fortune will decide + Who shall be our Bunthorne's bride! + + Ev'ry heart with hope is beating, + For, at this exciting meeting + Fickle Fortune will decide + Who shall be our Bunthorne's bride! + + Let the merry cymbals sound, + Gaily pipe Pandaean pleasure, + With a Daphnephoric bound + Tread a gay but classic, classic measure, + Tread a gay but classic, classic measure, + A classic measure. + +[DRAGOONS enter down R., forming a line diagonally up to up- + stage, C.] + + Chorus of Dragoons + + Now tell us, we pray you, + Why thus they array you-- + Oh, poet, how say you-- + What is it you've [optional -- you have] done? + + Now tell us, we pray you, + Why thus they array you-- + Oh, poet, how say you-- + What is it you've done? + Oh, poet, how say you-- + What is it you've done? + +DUKE [C.] Of rite sacrificial, + By sentence judicial, + This seems the initial, + Then why don't you run? + +COLONEL [R.C.] They cannot have led you + To hang or behead you, + Nor may they all wed you, + Unfortunate one! + +DRAGOONS Then tell us, we pray you, + Why thus they array you-- + Oh, poet, how say you-- + What is it you've done? + +[optional -- Enter SOLICITOR.] + +BUNTHORNE Heart-broken at my Patience's barbarity, + By the advice of my solicitor + In aid -- in aid of a deserving charity, + I've put myself up to be raffled for! + + [He introduces his solicitor.] + +MAIDENS By the advice of his solicitor, + He's put himself up to be raffled for! + +DRAGOONS Oh, horror! urged by his solicitor, + He's put himself up to be raffled for! + +MAIDENS Oh, heaven's blessing on his solicitor! + +DRAGOONS A hideous curse on his solicitor! + +MAIDENS Oh, heaven's blessing on his solicitor! + +DRAGOONS A hideous curse on his solicitor! + + MAIDENS DRAGOONS + +A blessing on his solicitor! A curse, a curse on his + solicitor! + +[The SOLICITOR, horrified at the Dragoons' curse, rushes off, L.] + +COLONEL [R.C. BUNTHORNE up L., surrounded by the Ladies.] + Stay, we implore you, + Before our hopes are blighted; + You see before you + The men to whom you're plighted! + +DRAGOONS Stay, we implore you, + For we adore you; + To us you're plighted + To be united-- + Stay, we implore you, we implore you! + +DUKE [C.] Your maiden hearts, ah, do not steel + To pity's eloquent appeal, + Such conduct British soldiers feel. + [Aside ] Sigh, sigh, all sigh! [They all sigh.] + + To foeman's steel we rarely see + A British soldier bend the knee, + Yet, one and all, they kneel to ye-- + [Aside ] Kneel, kneel, all kneel! [They all kneel.] + + Our soldiers very seldom cry, + And yet -- I need not tell you why-- + A tear-drop dews each martial eye! + [Aside ] Weep, weep, all weep! [They all weep.] + +MAIDENS & + DRAGOONS Our/We soldiers very seldom cry, + And yet -- they/we need not tell us/you why-- + +ABOVE & + DUKE A tear-drop dews each eye/martial eye! + Weep, weep, all weep! + +[The Solicitor re-enters] + +BUNTHORNE [coming briskly forward, L.C.] + Come, walk up, and purchase with avidity, + Overcome your diffidence and natural timidity, + Tickets for the raffle should be purchased with avidity, + Put in half a guinea and a husband you may gain-- + Such a judge of blue-and-white and other kinds of pottery-- + From early Oriental down to modern terra-cottary-- + Put in half a guinea -- you may draw him in a lottery-- + Such an opportunity may not occur again. + +MAIDENS Such a judge of blue-and-white and other kinds of + pottery-- + From early Oriental down to modern terra cottary-- + Put in half a guinea -- you may draw him in a lottery-- + Such an opportunity may not occur again. + +[MAIDENS crowd up to purchase tickets. DRAGOONS dance in single + file round stage, to express their indifference.] + +DRAGOONS We've been thrown over, we're aware + But we don't care -- but we don't care! + There's fish in the sea, no doubt of it, + As good as ever came out of it, + And some day we shall get our share, + So we don't care -- so we don't care! + +[During this the GIRLS have been buying tickets, the Solicitor + officiating. At last JANE presents herself. BUNTHORNE + looks at her with aversion.] + +BUNTHORNE And are you going a ticket for to buy? + +JANE [surprised] Most certainly I am; why shouldn't I? + +BUNTHORNE [aside] Oh, Fortune, this is hard! [aloud] + Blindfold your eyes; + Two minutes will decide who wins the prize! + [GIRLS blindfold themselves.] + + + Chorus of MAIDENS + +Oh, Fortune, to my aching heart be kind; +Like us, thou art blindfolded, but not blind! +Just raise your bandage, thus, [Each uncovers one eye.] that you + may see, +And give the prize, and give the prize to me! [They cover their + eyes again.] + +BUNTHORNE Come, Lady Jane, I pray you draw the first! + +JANE [joyfully] He loves me best! + +BUNTHORNE [aside] I want to know the worst! + +[JANE puts her hand in bag to draw ticket. PATIENCE enters and + prevents her.] + +PATIENCE Hold! Stay your hand! + +ALL [uncovering their eyes] + What means this interference? + Of this bold girl I pray you make a clearance! + +JANE Away with you, away with you, and to your milk-pails go! + +BUNTHORNE [suddenly] She wants a ticket! Take a dozen! + +PATIENCE No! If there be pardon in your breast + For this poor penitent, + Who with remorseful thought opprest, + Sincerely doth repent; + If you, with one so lowly, still + Desire to be allied, + Then you may take me, if you will, + For I will be your bride! + [She kneels to Bunthorne.] + +CHORUS Oh, shameless one! + Oh, bold-faced thing! + Away you run-- + Go, take your wing, + Oh, shameless one! + Oh, bold-faced thing! + Away you run-- + Go, take your wing, + You shameless one! + You bold-faced thing! + [Bunthorne raises her.] + +BUNTHORNE How strong is love! For many and many a week, + She's loved me fondly, and has feared to speak + But Nature, for restraint too mighty far, + Has burst the bonds of Art -- and here we are! + +PATIENCE No, Mister Bunthorne, no -- you're wrong again; + Permit me -- I'll endeavour to explain! + + True love must single-hearted be-- + +BUNTHORNE Exactly so! + +PATIENCE From ev'ry selfish fancy free-- + +BUNTHORNE Exactly so! + +PATIENCE No idle thought of gain or joy + A maiden's fancy should employ-- + True love must be without alloy, + True love must be without alloy. + +MEN Exactly so! + +PATIENCE Imposture to contempt must lead-- + +COLONEL Exactly so! + +PATIENCE Blind vanity's dissension's seed-- + +MAJOR Exactly so! + +PATIENCE It follows, then, a maiden who + Devotes herself to loving you + Is prompted by no selfish view, + Is prompted by no selfish view! + +MEN Exactly so! + +SAPHIR [coming L. of BUNTHORNE] + Are you resolved to wed this shameless one? + +ANGELA [coming R. of BUNTHORNE] + Is there no chance for any other? + +BUNTHORNE [decisively] None! [Embraces PATIENCE] + +[Exit PATIENCE and BUNTHORNE, L. ANGELA, SAPHIR, and ELLA take + COLONEL, DUKE, and MAJOR down, while GIRLS gaze fondly at + other Officers.] + + + SEXTET + (ELLA, SAPHIR, ANGELA, DUKE, MAJOR, COLONEL) + + I hear the soft note of the echoing voice + Of an old, old love, long dead-- + It whispers my sorrowing heart "rejoice"-- + For the last sad tear is shed-- + The pain that is all but a pleasure will change + For the pleasure that's all but pain, + And never, oh never, this heart will range + From that old, old love again! + [GIRLS embrace OFFICERS] + +CHORUS Yes, the pain that is all but a pleasure will change + For the pleasure that's all but pain, + And never, oh never, our hearts will range + From that old, old love again! + + DUKE CHORUS + +Oh, never, oh never Oh, never, oh never + our hearts will range our hearts, our hearts + will range +From that old, old love again! + + SEXTET CHORUS + +Oh, never, oh never, Oh, never, oh never our hearts, +our hearts will range Oh, never, our hearts will range +From that old, old From that old, old love + love again! again! + +[The GIRLS embrace the Officers. Re-enter PATIENCE and + BUNTHORNE. L.] + +[As the DRAGOONS and GIRLS are embracing, enter GROSVENOR, + R.U.E., reading. He takes no notice of them, but comes + slowly down, still reading. The GIRLS are all strangely + fascinated by him. The Chorus divides, L. & R., and the + GIRLS are held back by the DRAGOONS, as they attempt to + throw themselves at GROSVENOR. Fury of BUNTHORNE, who + recognizes a rival.] + +ANGELA [R.C.] But who is this, whose god-like grace + Proclaims he comes of noble race? + And who is this, whose manly face + Bears sorrow's interesting trace? + +CHORUS Yes, who is this, whose god-like grace + Proclaims he comes of noble race? + +GROSVENOR [C.] I am a broken-hearted troubadour, + Whose mind's aesthetic and whose tastes are pure! + +ANGELA Aesthetic! He is aesthetic! + +GROSVENOR Yes, yes -- I am aesthetic + And poetic! + +MAIDENS Then, we love you! + + [They break away from the DRAGOONS, and kneel to GROSVENOR.] + +DRAGOONS They love him! Horror! + +BUNTHORNE and + PATIENCE They love him! Horror! + +GROSVENOR They love me! Horror! Horror! Horror! + + ENSEMBLE + [all parts sung at the same time] + + PATIENCE DUKE + + +List, Reginald, while I confess My jealousy I can't +express, + A love that's all unselfishness, Their love they openly +confess; +That it's unselfish, goodness knows, His shell-like ears he +does not close + You won't dispute it, I suppose! To their recital of +their woes. + + ELLA, SAPHIR, ANGELA, JANE CHORUS + +Oh, list while we a love confess Oh, list while we/they a +love confess + That words imperfectly express. +Those shell-like ears, ah, do not close That words imperfectly +express. + To blighted love's distracting woes! + + ENSEMBLE + [all parts sung at the same time] + + MAJOR, COLONEL & BUNTHORNE GROSVENOR + +My jealousy I can't express, Again my cursed comeliness + Their love they openly confess! Spreads hopeless +anguish and + distress, +Their love they openly confess, Spreads hopeless anguish +and + confess! distress, distress! + + MAIDENS DRAGOONS + +Yes, those shell-like ears, ah, do Yes, his shell-like ears + not close he does not close + To blighted love's distracting To their recital of their +woes! + woes! +To blighted love's distracting woes, To their recital of their +woes, + their woes! their woes! + + + ENSEMBLE + [all parts sung at the same time] + + PATIENCE DUKE + + Ah! Ah! + +And I shall love you, I shall love. His shell-like ears he +does not close + Your ears, ah, do not close! To love's distracting +woes! +Thy shell-like ears, ah, do not close Now is not this +ridiculous, + and is not this +preposterous? +To blighted love's distracting woes! A thorough-paced +absurdity, + explain it if you +can! +Thy shell-like ears, ah, do not close Now is not this +ridiculous, + and is not this +preposterous? +To blighted love's distracting woes! A thorough-paced +absurdity, + explain it if you +can! +To love's, to love's distracting woes! Explain, explain it if you +can! + love's woes! you can! + + ELLA, SAPHIR, ANGELA, JANE MAIDENS + +Oh, list while we our love confess Oh, list while we a love +confess + That words imperfectly express. That words imperfectly +express. +Thy shell-like ears, ah, do not close Those shell-like ears, ah, +do not + close + To love's distracting woes! To love's distracting +woes! + Thy shell-like ears, ah, do not close Those shell-like ears, ah, +do not + close + To blighted love's distracting woes! To blighted love's +distracting + woes! +Thy shell-like ears, ah, do not close Those shell-like ears, ah, +do not + close + To blighted love's distracting woes! To blighted love's +distracting + woes! +To love's, to love's distracting woes! To love's, to love's +distracting + love's woes woes! love's woes! + + BUNTHORNE MAJOR and COLONEL + +My jealousy I can't express, My jealousy I can't +express, + Their love they openly confess. Their love they +openly confess. +His shell-like ears he does not close His shell-like ears he +does not close + To love's distracting woes! To love's distracting +woes! +His shell-like ears he does not close Now is not this +ridiculous, + and is not this +preposterous? + To blighted love's distracting A thorough-paced +absurdity, + woes! explain it if you +can! +His shell-like ears he does not close Now is not this +ridiculous, + and is not this +preposterous? + To blighted love's distracting A thorough-paced +absurdity, + woes! explain it if you +can! +To love's, to love's distracting woes! Explain, explain it if you +can! + love's woes! you can! + + GROSVENOR MALE CHORUS + +Again my cursed comeliness Oh, list while they a love +confess + Spreads hopeless anguish and That words +imperfectly express. + distress; +Thine ears, oh, Fortune, do not close His shell-like ears He +does not close + To love's distracting woes! To love's distracting +woes! +My shell-like ears I can not close Now is not this +ridiculous, + and is not this +preposterous? + To blighted love's distracting A thorough-paced +absurdity, + woes! explain it if you +can! +My shell-like ears I can not close Now is not this +ridiculous, + and is not this +preposterous? + To blighted love's distracting A thorough-paced +absurdity, + woes! explain it if you +can! +To love's, to love's distracting woes! Explain, explain it if you +can! + love's woes! you can! + + +[GROSVENOR makes a wild effort to escape up-stage; the GIRLS drag + him back and kneel as the curtain falls.] + + END OF ACT I + ACT II + + +[SCENE -- A wooded glade, with a view of open country in the + background. The chorus of MAIDENS is heard singing in the + distance. JANE is discovered leaning on a violoncello, + which she has propped up on a tree-stump, L., and upon which + she will presently accompany herself. As the Chorus ends, + she speaks.] + + No. 10. On such eyes as maidens cherish + (Opening Chorus) + + Maidens + + On such eyes as maidens cherish + Lest thy fond adorers gaze, + Or incontinently perish, + In their all-consuming rays! + Or incontinently perish, + In their all-consuming rays! + + +JANE The fickle crew have deserted Reginald and sworn allegiance +to his rival, and all, forsooth, because he has glanced with +passing favour on a puling milkmaid! Fools! Of that fancy he +will soon weary -- and then, I, who alone am faithful to him, +shall reap my reward. But do not dally too long, Reginald, for +my charms are ripe, Reginald, and already they are decaying. +Better secure me ere I have gone too far! + + + No. 11. Sad is that woman's lot + (Recitative and Solo) + Jane + +JANE Sad is that woman's lot who, year by year, + Sees, one by one, her beauties disappear, + When Time, grown weary of her heart-drawn sighs, + Impatiently begins to dim her eyes! + Compelled, at last, in life's uncertain gloamings, + To wreathe her wrinkled brow with well-saved + "combings," + Reduced, with rouge, lip-shade, and pearly grey, + To "make up" for lost time as best she may! + + Silvered is the raven hair, + Spreading is the parting straight, + Mottled the complexion fair, + Halting is the youthful gait, + Hollow is the laughter free, + Spectacled the limpid eye, + Little will be left of me + In the coming bye and bye! + Little will be left of me + In the coming bye and bye! + + Fading is the taper waist, + Shapeless grows the shapely limb, + And although severely laced, + Spreading is the figure trim! + + Stouter than I used to be, + Still more corpulent grow I-- + There will be too much of me + In the coming by and bye! + There will be too much of me + In the coming by and bye! + + [Exit, L., carrying her violoncello.] + +[Enter GROSVENOR, R., followed by MAIDENS, two and two, playing + on archaic instruments as in Act I. He is reading + abstractedly, as BUNTHORNE did in Act I, and pays no + attention to them.] + + + No. 12. Turn, oh, turn in this direction + (Chorus) + Maidens + + Turn, oh, turn in this direction, + Shed, oh, shed a gentle smile, + With a glance of sad perfection, + Our poor fainting hearts beguile! + + On such eyes as maidens cherish + Let thy fond adorers gaze, + Or incontinently perish, + In their all-consuming rays! + Or incontinently perish, + In their all-consuming rays! + +[GROSVENOR sits, R.; they group themselves around him in a + formation similar to that which opens Act I.] + +GROS. [aside, not looking up] The old, old tale. How +rapturously these maidens love me, and how hopelessly! [He looks +up.] Oh, Patience, Patience, with the love of thee in my heart, +what have I for these poor mad maidens but an unvalued pity? +Alas, they will die of hopeless love for me, as I shall die of +hopeless love for thee! + +ANGELA Sir, will it please you read to us? + +GROS. [sighing] Yes, child, if you will. What shall I read? + +ANGELA One of your own poems. + +GROS. One of my own poems? Better not, my child. They will not +cure thee of thy love. [All sigh.] + +ELLA Mr. Bunthorne used to read us a poem of his own every day. + +SAPHIR And, to do him justice, he read them extremely well. + +GROS. Oh, did he so? Well, who am I that I should take upon +myself to withhold my gifts from you? What am I but a trustee? +Here is a decalet -- a pure and simple thing, a very daisy -- a +babe might understand it. To appreciate it, it is not necessary +to think of anything at all. + +ANGELA Let us think of nothing at all! + +GROS. [reciting] + + Gentle Jane was as good as gold, + She always did as she was told; + She never spoke when her mouth was full, + Or caught bluebottles their legs to pull, + Or spilt plum jam on her nice new frock, + Or put white mice in the eight-day clock, + Or vivisected her last new doll, + Or fostered a passion for alcohol. + And when she grew up she was given in marriage + To a first-class earl who keeps his carriage! + +GROS. I believe I am right in saying that there is not one word +in that decalet which is calculated to bring the blush of shame +to the cheek of modesty. + +ANGELA Not one; it is purity itself. + +GROS. Here's another. + + Teasing Tom was a very bad boy, + A great big squirt was his favourite toy + He put live shrimps in his father's boots, + And sewed up the sleeves of his Sunday suits; + He punched his poor little sisters' heads, + And cayenne-peppered their four-post beds; + He plastered their hair with cobbler's wax, + And dropped hot halfpennies down their backs. + The consequence was he was lost totally, + And married a girl in the corps de bally! + + [The MAIDENS express intense horror.] + +ANGELA Marked you how grandly -- how relentlessly -- the damning +catalogue of crime strode on, till Retribution, like a poised +hawk, came swooping down upon the Wrong-Doer? Oh, it was +terrible! [All shudder.] + +ELLA Oh, sir, you are indeed a true poet, for you touch our +hearts, and they go out to you! + +GROS. [aside] This is simply cloying. [aloud] Ladies, I am +sorry to appear ungallant, but this is Saturday, and you have +been following me about ever since Monday. I should like the +usual half-holiday. I shall take it as a personal favour if you +will kindly allow me to close early to-day. + +SAPHIR Oh, sir, do not send us from you! + +GROS. Poor, poor girls! It is best to speak plainly. I know +that I am loved by you, but I never can love you in return, for +my heart is fixed elsewhere! Remember the fable of the Magnet +and the Churn. + +ANGELA [wildly] But we don't know the fable of the Magnet and +the Churn! + +GROS. Don't you? Then I will sing it to you. + + + No. 13. A magnet hung in a hardware shop + (Solo and Chorus) + Grosvenor and Maidens + +GROSVENOR A magnet hung in a hardware shop, + And all around was a loving crop + Of scissors and needles, nails and knives, + Offering love for all their lives; + But for iron the magnet felt no whim, + Though he charmed iron, it charmed not him; + From needles and nails and knives he'd turn, + For he'd set his love on a Silver Churn! + +MAIDENS A Silver Churn! + +GROSVENOR A Silver Churn! + + His most aesthetic, + Very magnetic + Fancy took this turn-- + "If I can wheedle + A knife or a needle, + Why not a Silver Churn?" + +MAIDENS His most aesthetic, + Very magnetic + Fancy took this turn-- + "If I can wheedle + A knife or a needle, + Why not a Silver Churn?" + +GROSVENOR [He rises, going C.] + And Iron and Steel expressed surprise, + The needles opened their well-drilled eyes, + The penknives felt "shut up", no doubt, + The scissors declared themselves "cut out", + The kettles they boiled with rage, 'tis said, + While ev'ry nail went off its head, + And hither and thither began to roam, + Till a hammer came up and drove them home. + +MAIDENS It drove them home? + +GROSVENOR It drove them home! + + While this magnetic, + Peripatetic + Lover he lived to learn, + By no endeavour + Can magnet ever + Attract a Silver Churn! + +MAIDENS While this magnetic, + Peripatetic + Lover he lived to learn, + +MAIDENS and +GROSVENOR By no endeavour + Can magnet ever + Attract a Silver Churn! + +[They go off in low spirits, R.U.E., gazing back at him from time + to time.] + +GROS. At last they are gone! What is this mysterious +fascination that I seem to exercise over all I come across? A +curse on my fatal beauty, for I am sick of conquests! [Goes R.] + +[Enter PATIENCE, L. Stops L.C. on seeing GROSVENOR.] + +GROS. [Turns and sees her.] Patience! + +PATIENCE I have escaped with difficulty from my Reginald. I +wanted to see you so much that I might ask you if you still love +me as fondly as ever? + +GROS. Love you? If the devotion of a lifetime-- [seizing her +hand.] + +PATIENCE [indignantly] Hold! Unhand me, or I scream! [He +releases her.] If you are a gentleman, pray remember that I am +another's! [very tenderly.] But you do love me, don't you? + +GROS. Madly, hopelessly, despairingly! + +PATIENCE That's right! I never can be yours; but that's right! + +GROS. And you love this Bunthorne? + +PATIENCE With a heart-whole ecstasy that withers, and scorches, +and burns, and stings! [sadly] It is my duty. + +GROS. Admirable girl! But you are not happy with him? + +PATIENCE Happy? I am miserable beyond description! + +GROS. That's right! I never can be yours; but that's right! + +PATIENCE But go now. I see dear Reginald approaching. +Farewell, dear Archibald; I cannot tell you how happy it has made +me to know that you still love me. + +GROS. Ah, if I only dared-- [advancing towards her] + +PATIENCE Sir! this language to one who is promised to another! +[tenderly] Oh, Archibald, think of me sometimes, for my heart is +breaking! He is unkind to me, and you would be so loving! + +GROS. Loving! [advancing towards her] + +PATIENCE Advance one step, and as I am a good and pure woman, I +scream! [tenderly] Farewell, Archibald! [sternly] Stop there! +[tenderly] Think of me sometimes! [angrily] Advance at your +peril! Once more, adieu! + +[GROSVENOR sighs, gazes sorrowfully at her, sighs deeply, and + exits, R. She bursts into tears.] + +[Enter BUNTHORNE, followed by JANE. He is moody and + preoccupied.] + + + In a doleful train + (Solo) + Jane + +JANE In a doleful train + One and one I walk all day; + For I love in vain-- + None so sorrowful as they + Who can only sigh and say, + Woe is me, alackaday! + +BUN. [seeing PATIENCE] Crying, eh? What are you crying about? + +PATIENCE I've only been thinking how dearly I love you! + +BUN. Love me! Bah! + +JANE Love him! Bah! + +BUN. [to JANE] Don't you interfere. + +JANE He always crushes me! + +PATIENCE [going to him] What is the matter, dear Reginald? If +you have any sorrow, tell it to me, that I may share it with you. +[sighing] It is my duty! + +BUN. [snappishly] Whom were you talking with just now? + +PATIENCE With dear Archibald. + +BUN. [furiously] With dear Archibald! Upon my honour, this is +too much! + +JANE A great deal too much! + +BUN. [angrily to JANE] Do be quiet! + +JANE Crushed again! + +PATIENCE I think he is the noblest, purest, and most perfect +being I have ever met. But I don't love him. It is true that he +is devotedly attached to me, but I don't love him. Whenever he +grows affectionate, I scream. It is my duty! [sighing] + +BUN. I dare say! + +JANE So do I! I dare say! + +PATIENCE Why, how could I love him and love you too? You can't +love two people at once! + +BUN. Oh, can't you, though! + +PATIENCE No, you can't; I only wish you could. + +BUN. I don't believe you know what love is! + +PATIENCE [sighing] Yes, I do. There was a happy time when I +didn't, but a bitter experience has taught me. + +[BUNTHORNE, noticing that JANE is not looking at him, goes off + quickly up R. She turns, sees him, and runs after him.] + + + No. 14. Love is a plaintive song + (Solo) + Patience + +PATIENCE Love is a plaintive song, + Sung by a suff'ring maid, + Telling a tale of wrong, + Telling of hope betrayed; + Tuned to each changing note, + Sorry when he is sad, + Blind to his ev'ry mote, + Merry when he is glad! + Merry when he is glad! + Love that no wrong can cure, + Love that is always new, + That is the love that's pure, + That is the love that's true! + Love that no wrong can cure, + Love that is always new, + That is the love that's pure, + That is the love, the love that's true! + + Rendering good for ill, + Smiling at ev'ry frown, + Yielding your own self-will, + Laughing your teardrops down; + Never a selfish whim, + Trouble, or pain to stir; + Everything for him, + Nothing at all for her! + Nothing at all for her! + Love that will aye endure, + Though the rewards be few, + That is the love that's pure, + That is the love that's true! + Love that will aye endure, + Though the rewards be few, + That is the love that's pure, + That is the love, the love that's true! + +[At the end of ballad exit PATIENCE, L., weeping. Enter + BUNTHORNE, R., JANE following.] + +BUN. Everything has gone wrong with me since that smug-faced +idiot came here. Before that I was admired -- I may say, loved. + +JANE Too mild -- adored! + +BUN. Do let a poet soliloquize! The damozels used to follow me +wherever I went; now they all follow him! + +JANE Not all! I am still faithful to you. + +BUN. Yes, and a pretty damozel you are! + +JANE No, not pretty. Massive. Cheer up! I will never leave +you, I swear it! + +BUN. Oh, thank you! I know what it is; it's his confounded +mildness. They find me too highly spiced, if you please! And no +doubt I am highly spiced. + +JANE Not for my taste! + +BUN. [savagely] No, but I am for theirs. But I will show the +world I can be as mild as he. If they want insipidity, they +shall have it. I'll meet this fellow on his own ground and beat +him on it. + +JANE You shall. And I will help you. + +BUN. You will? Jane, there's a good deal of good in you, after +all! + + + No. 15. So go to him and say to him + (Duet) + Jane and Bunthorne + + [Dance] + +JANE So go to him and say to him, with compliment ironical-- + +BUNTHORNE Sing "Hey to you-- + Good-day to you"-- + And that's what I shall say! + +JANE "Your style is much too sanctified -- your cut is too + canonical"-- + +BUNTHORNE Sing "Bah to you-- + Ha! ha! to you"-- + And that's what I shall say! + +JANE "I was the beau ideal of the morbid young aesthetical-- + To doubt my inspiration was regarded as heretical-- + Until you cut me out with your placidity emetical." + +BUNTHORNE Sing "Booh to you-- + Pooh, pooh to you"-- + And that's what I shall say! + Sing "Booh to you-- + Pooh, pooh to you"-- + And that's what I shall say! + + JANE BUNTHORNE + +Sing "Hey to you -- good-day to you"-- "Hey, +Sing "Bah to you -- ha! ha! to you"-- Good-day +Sing "Booh to you -- pooh, pooh to you"-- Bah. +And that's what you should say! ha! ha! + +Sing "Hey to you -- good-day to you"-- "Booh, +Sing "Bah to you --ha! ha! to you"-- pooh-pooh +Sing "Booh to you"-- Bah. +And that's what you should say! And that's what I shall +say! + "Bah, bah," "Booh, booh," +And that's what you should say! And that's what I shall +say! + "Booh, booh," "Bah, bah," +And that's what you should say! And that's what I shall +say! + +BUNTHORNE I'll tell him that unless he will consent to be more + jocular-- + +JANE Sing "Booh to you-- + Pooh, pooh to you"-- + And that's what you should say! + +BUNTHORNE To cut his curly hair, and stick an eyeglass in his + ocular-- + +JANE Sing "Bah to you-- + Ha! ha! to you"-- + And that's what you should say! + +BUNTHORNE To stuff his conversation full of quibble and of + quiddity, + To dine on chops and roly-poly pudding with + avidity-- + He'd better clear away with all convenient + rapidity. + +JANE Sing "Hey to you-- + Good-day to you"-- + And that's what you should say! + +BUNTHORNE Sing "Booh to you-- + Pooh, pooh to you"-- + And that's what I shall say! + + JANE BUNTHORNE + +Sing "Hey to you -- good-day to you"-- "Hey, +Sing "Bah to you -- ha! ha! to you"-- Good-day +Sing "Booh to you -- pooh, pooh to you"-- Bah. +And that's what you should say! ha! ha! + +Sing "Hey to you -- good-day to you"-- "Booh, +Sing "Bah to you -- ha! ha! to you"-- pooh-pooh +Sing "Booh to you"-- Bah. +And that's what you should say! And that's what I shall +say! + "Bah, bah," "Booh, booh," +And that's what you should say! And that's what I shall +say! + "Booh, booh," "Bah, bah," +And that's what you should say! And that's what I shall +say! + + [They dance off, +L.] + +[Enter DUKE, COLONEL, and MAJOR, R. They have abandoned their + uniforms, and are dressed and made up in imitation of + Aesthetics. They have long hair, and other signs of + attachment to the brotherhood. As they sing they walk in + stiff, constrained, and angular attitudes -- a grotesque + exaggeration of the attitudes adopted by BUNTHORNE and the + young LADIES in Act I.] + +[Enter DUKE... enter MAJOR... enter COLONEL, Attitude. They walk + to C.] + + No. 16. It's clear that mediaeval art + (Trio) + Duke, Major, and Colonel + +ALL It's clear that medieval art alone retains its zest, + To charm and please its devotees we've done our little best. + We're not quite sure if all we do has the Early English + ring; + But, as far as we can judge, it's something like this sort + of thing: + You hold yourself like this, [attitude] + You hold yourself like that, [attitude] + By hook and crook you try to look both angular and flat + [attitude]. + We venture to expect + That what we recollect, + Though but a part of true High Art, will have its due + effect. + + If this is not exactly right, we hope you won't upbraid; + You can't get high Aesthetic tastes, like trousers, ready + made. + True views on Medieavalism Time alone will bring, + But, as far as we can judge, it's something like this sort + of thing: + You hold yourself like this, [attitude] + You hold yourself like that, [attitude] + By hook and crook you try to look both angular and flat + [attitude]. + To cultivate the trim + Rigidity of limb, + You ought to get a Marionette, and form your style on him + [attitude]. + + [Attitudes change in time to the music.] + +COLONEL [attitude] Yes, it's quite clear that our only chance of +making a lasting impression on these young ladies is to become as +aesthetic as they are. + +MAJOR [attitude] No doubt. The only question is how far we've +succeeded in doing so. I don't know why, but I've an idea that +this is not quite right. + +DUKE [attitude] I don't like it. I never did. I don't see what +it means. I do it, but I don't like it. + +COLONEL My good friend, the question is not whether we like it, +but whether they do. They understand these things -- we don't. +Now I shouldn't be surprised if this is effective enough -- at a +distance. + +MAJOR I can't help thinking we're a little stiff at it. It +would be extremely awkward if we were to be "struck" so! + +COLONEL I don't think we shall be struck so. Perhaps we're a +little awkward at first -- but everything must have a beginning. +Oh, here they come! 'Tention! + + [They strike fresh attitudes, as ANGELA and SAPHIR enter, L.] + +ANGELA [seeing them] Oh, Saphir -- see -- see! The immortal +fire has descended on them, and they are of the Inner Brotherhood +-- perceptively intense and consummately utter. + +[The OFFICERS have some difficulty in maintaining their + constrained attitudes.] + +SAPHIR [in admiration] How Botticelian! How Fra Angelican! Oh, +Art, we thank thee for this boon! + +COLONEL [apologetically] I'm afraid we're not quite right. + +ANGELA Not supremely, perhaps, but oh, so all -- but! +[to SAPHIR] Oh, Saphir, are they not quite too all -- but? + +SAPHIR They are indeed jolly utter! + +MAJOR [in agony] I wonder what the Inner Brotherhood usually +recommend for cramp? + +COLONEL Ladies, we will not deceive you. We are doing this at +some personal inconvenience with a view of expressing the +extremity of our devotion to you. We trust that it is not +without its effect. + +ANGELA We will not deny that we are much moved by this proof of +your attachment. + +SAPHIR Yes, your conversion to the principles of Aesthetic Art +in its highest development has touched us deeply. + +ANGELA And if Mr. Bunthorne should remain obdurate-- + +SAPHIR Which we have every reason to believe he will-- + +MAJOR [aside, in agony] I wish they'd make haste! [The others +hush him.] + +ANGELA We are not prepared to say that our yearning hearts will +not go out to you. + +COLONEL [as giving a word of command] By sections of threes -- +Rapture! [All strike a fresh attitude, expressive of aesthetic +rapture.] + +SAPHIR Oh, it's extremely good -- for beginners it's admirable. + +MAJOR The only question is, who will take who? + +COLONEL Oh, the Duke chooses first, as a matter of course. + +DUKE Oh, I couldn't thank of it -- you are really too good! + +COLONEL Nothing of the kind. You are a great matrimonial fish, +and it's only fair that each of these ladies should have a chance +of hooking you. It's perfectly simple. Observe, suppose you +choose Angela, I take Saphir, Major takes nobody. [with +increasing speed] Suppose you choose Saphir, Major tales Angela, +I take nobody. Suppose you choose neither, I take Angela, Major +takes Saphir. Clear as day! + +[The officers, with obvious relief, abandon their aesthetic + attitudes, and, with the Ladies, dance into position. L. to + R. 1st verse: Colonel with Angela; Duke with Saphir; Major + alone. 2nd verse: Colonel alone; Angela with Duke; Saphir + with Major. 3rd verse: Colonel with Saphir; Duke alone; + Angela with Major.] + + + No. 17. If Saphir I choose to marry + Quintet + Duke, Colonel, Major, Angela, and Saphir + +DUKE If Saphir I choose to marry, + I shall be fixed up for life; + Then the Colonel need not tarry, + Angela can be his wife. + +MAJOR In that case unprecedented, + Single I shall live and die-- + I shall have to be contented + With their heartfelt sympathy! + +ALL He will have to be contented + With our/their heartfelt sympathy! + In that case unprecedented, + Single he/I will/shall live and die-- + He/I will/shall have to be contented + With our/their heartfelt sympathy! + He/I will/shall have to be contented + With our/their heartfelt sympathy! + He/I will/shall have to be contented + With our/their heartfelt sympathy! + +DUKE If on Angy I determine, + At my wedding she'll appear, + Decked in diamond and ermine. + Major then can take Saphir! + +COLONEL In that case unprecedented, + Single I shall live and die-- + I shall have to be contented + With their heartfelt sympathy! + +ALL He/I will/shall have to be contented + With our/their heartfelt sympathy! + In that case unprecedented, + Single he/I will/shall live and die-- + He/I will/shall have to be contented + With our/their heartfelt sympathy! + He/I will/shall have to be contented + With our/their heartfelt sympathy! + He/I will/shall have to be contented + With our/their heartfelt sympathy! + +[Positions at beginning of Verse 3: L. to R., COLONEL, ANGELA, + DUKE, SAPHIR, MAJOR] + +DUKE After some debate internal, + If on neither I decide, + Saphir then can take the Colonel, + + [Hands her to the COLONEL.] + + Angy be the Major's bride! + + [Hands her to the MAJOR.] + + In that case unprecedented, + Single I shall live and die-- + I shall have to be contented + With their heartfelt sympathy! + +ALL He will have to be contented + With our/their heartfelt sympathy! + In that case unprecedented, + Single he/I will/shall live and die-- + He/I will/shall have to be contented + With our/their heartfelt sympathy! + He/I will/shall have to be contented + With our/their heartfelt sympathy! + He/I will/shall have to be contented + With our/their heartfelt sympathy! + +[They dance off, arm-in-arm, up-stage and off, L.U.E., the + COLONEL leading with SAPHIR.] + +[Enter GROSVENOR, R.U.E.] + +GROS. It is very pleasant to be alone. It is pleasant to be +able to gaze at leisure upon those features which all others may +gaze upon at their good will! [Looking at his reflection in +hand-mirror.] Ah, I am a very Narcissus! + +[Enter BUNTHORNE, L. moodily.] + +BUN. It's no use; I can't live without admiration. Since +Grosvenor came here, insipidity has been at a premium. Ah, he is +there! + +GROS. Ah, Bunthorne! Come here -- look! Very graceful, isn't +it! + +BUN. [taking hand-mirror] Allow me; I haven't seen it. Yes, it +is graceful. + +GROS. [taking back the mirror) Oh, good gracious! not that -- +this-- + +BUN. You don't mean that! Bah! I am in no mood for trifling. + +GROS. And what is amiss? + +BUN. Ever since you came here, you have entirely monopolized the +attentions of the young ladies. I don't like it, sir! + +GROS. My dear sir, how can I help it? They are the plague of my +life. My dear Mr. Bunthorne, with your personal disadvantages, +you can have no idea of the inconvenience of being madly loved, +at first sight, by every woman you meet. + +BUN. Sir, until you came here I was adored! + +GROS. Exactly -- until I came here. That's my grievance. I cut +everybody out! I assure you, if you could only suggest some +means whereby, consistently with my duty to society, I could +escape these inconvenient attentions, you would earn my +everlasting gratitude. + +BUN. I will do so at once. However popular it may be with the +world at large, your personal appearance is highly objectionable +to me. + +GROS. It is? [shaking his hand] Oh, thank you! thank you! How +can I express my gratitude? + +BUN. By making a complete change at once. Your conversation +must henceforth be perfectly matter-of-fact. You must cut your +hair, and have a back parting. In appearance and costume you +must be absolutely commonplace. + +GROS. [decidedly] No. Pardon me, that's impossible. + +BUN. Take care! When I am thwarted I am very terrible. + +GROS. I can't help that. I am a man with a mission. And that +mission must be fulfilled. + +BUN. I don't think you quite appreciate the consequences of +thwarting me. + +GROS. I don't care what they are. + +BUN. Suppose -- I won't go so far as to say that I will do it -- +but suppose for one moment I were to curse you? [GROSVENOR +quails.] Ah! Very well. Take care. + +GROS. But surely you would never do that? [In great alarm] + +BUN. I don't know. It would be an extreme measure, no doubt. +Still-- + +GROS. [wildly] But you would not do it -- I am sure you would +not. [Throwing himself at BUNTHORNE's knees, and clinging to him] +Oh, reflect, reflect! You had a mother once. + +BUN. Never! + +GROS. Then you had an aunt! [BUNTHORNE affected.] Ah! I see +you had! By the memory of that aunt, I implore you to pause ere +you resort to this last fearful expedient. Oh, Mr. Bunthorne, +reflect, reflect! [Weeping] + +BUN. [aside, after a struggle with himself] I must not allow +myself to be unmanned! [aloud] It is useless. Consent at once, +or may a nephew's curse-- + +GROS. Hold! Are you absolutely resolved? + +BUN. Absolutely. + +GROS. Will nothing shake you? + +BUN. Nothing. I am adamant. + +GROS. Very good. [rising] Then I yield. + +BUN. Ha! You swear it? + +GROS. I do, cheerfully. I have long wished for a reasonable +pretext for such a change as you suggest. It has come at last. +I do it on compulsion! + +BUN. Victory! I triumph! + + + No. 18. When I go out of door + (Duet) + Bunthorne and Grosvenor + +[Each one dances around the stage while the other is singing his + solo verses.] + +BUNTHORNE When I go out of door, + Of damozels a score + (All sighing and burning, + And clinging and yearning) + Will follow me as before. + + I shall, with cultured taste, + Distinguish gems from paste, + And "High diddle diddle" + Will rank as an idyll, + If I pronounce it chaste! + +BOTH A most intense young man, + A soulful-eyed young man, + An ultra-poetical, super-aesthetical, + Out-of-the-way young man! + +GROSVENOR Conceive me, if you can, + An ev'ryday young man: + A commonplace type, + With a stick and a pipe, + And a half-bred black-and-tan; + Who thinks suburban "hops" + More fun than "Monday Pops,"-- + Who's fond of his dinner, + And doesn't get thinner + On bottled beer and chops. + +BOTH A commonplace young man, + A matter-of-fact young man-- + A steady and stolidy, jolly Bank-holiday, + Every-day young man! + +BUNTHORNE A Japanese young man-- + A blue-and-white young man-- + Francesca di Rimini, miminy, piminy, + Je-ne-sais-quoi young man! + +GROSVENOR A Chancery lane young man-- + A Somerset House young man,-- + A very delectable, highly respectable + Three-penny-bus young man! + +BUNTHORNE A pallid and thin young man-- + A haggard and lank young man, + A greenery-yallery, Grosvenor Gallery, + Foot-in-the-grave young man! + +GROSVENOR A Sewell and Cross young man, + A Howell & James young man, + A pushing young particle -- "What's the next + article?"-- + Waterloo House young man! + + BUNTHORNE GROSVENOR + +Conceive me, if you can, Conceive me, if you can, +A crotchety, cracked young man, A matter-of-fact young man, +An ultra-poetical, super-aesthetical, An alphabetical, + arithmetical, +Out-of-the way young man! Every day young man! + +Conceive me, if you can, Conceive me, if you can, +A crotchety, cracked young man, A matter-of-fact young man, +An ultra-poetical, super-aesthetical, An alphabetical, + arithmetical, +Out-of-the way young man! Every day young man! + + [GROSVENOR dances off, L.U.E. ] + +BUN. It is all right! I have committed my last act of ill- +nature, and henceforth I'm a changed character. + +[Dances about stage, humming refrain of last air. Enter + PATIENCE, L. She gazes in astonishment at him.] + +PATIENCE Reginald! Dancing! And -- what in the world is the +matter with you? + +BUN. Patience, I'm a changed man. Hitherto I've been gloomy, +moody, fitful -- uncertain in temper and selfish in disposition-- + +PATIENCE You have, indeed! [sighing] + +BUN. All that is changed. I have reformed. I have modelled +myself upon Mr. Grosvenor. Henceforth I am mildly cheerful. My +conversation will blend amusement with instruction. I shall +still be aesthetic; but my aestheticism will be of the most +pastoral kind. + +PATIENCE Oh, Reginald! Is all this true? + +BUN. Quite true. Observe how amiable I am. [Assuming a fixed +smile] + +PATIENCE But, Reginald, how long will this last? + +BUN. With occasional intervals for rest and refreshment, as long +as I do. + +PATIENCE Oh, Reginald, I'm so happy! Oh, dear, dear Reginald, I +cannot express the joy I feel at this change. It will no longer +be a duty to love you, but a pleasure -- a rapture -- an ecstasy! + +BUN. My darling! [embracing her] + +PATIENCE But -- oh, horror! [recoiling from him] + +BUN. What's the matter? + +PATIENCE Is it quite certain that you have absolutely reformed - +- that you are henceforth a perfect being -- utterly free from +defect of any kind? + +BUN. It is quite certain. I have sworn it. + +PATIENCE Then I never can be yours! [crossing to R.C.] + +BUN. Why not? + +PATIENCE Love, to be pure, must be absolutely unselfish, and +there can be nothing unselfish in loving so perfect a being as +you have now become! + +BUN. But, stop a bit. I don't want to change -- I'll relapse -- +I'll be as I was -- interrupted! + +[Enter GROSVENOR, L.U.E., followed by all the young LADIES, who + are followed by Chorus of DRAGOONS. He has had his hair + cut, and is dressed in an ordinary suit and a bowler hat. + They all dance cheerfully round the stage in marked contrast + to their former languor.] + + + No. 19. I'm a Waterloo House young man + (Solo and Chorus) + Grosvenor and Maidens + +GROSVENOR I'm a Waterloo House young man, + A Sewell & Cross young man, + A steady and stolidy, jolly Bank-holiday, + Everyday young man. + +MAIDENS We're Swears & Wells young girls, + We're Madame Louise young girls, + We're prettily pattering, cheerily chattering, + Every-day young girls. + +BUN. [C.] Angela -- Ella -- Saphir -- what -- what does this +mean? + +ANGELA [R.] It means that Archibald the All-Right cannot be all- +wrong; and if the All-Right chooses to discard aestheticism, it +proves that aestheticism ought to be discarded. + +PATIENCE Oh, Archibald! Archibald! I'm shocked -- surprised -- +horrified! + +GROS. [L.C.] I can't help it. I'm not a free agent. I do it on +compulsion. + +PATIENCE This is terrible. Go! I shall never set eyes on you +again. But -- oh, joy! + +GROS.[L.C.] What is the matter? + +PATIENCE [R.C.] Is it quite, quite certain that you will always +be a commonplace young man? + +GROS. Always -- I've sworn it. + +PATIENCE Why, then, there's nothing to prevent my loving you +with all the fervour at my command! + +GROS. Why, that's true. + +PATIENCE [crossing to him] My Archibald! + +GROS. My Patience! [They embrace.] + +BUN. Crushed again! + +[Enter JANE, L.] + +JANE [who is still aesthetic] Cheer up! I am still here. I +have never left you, and I never will! + +BUN. Thank you, Jane. After all, there is no denying it, you're +a fine figure of a woman! + +JANE My Reginald! + +BUN. My Jane! [They embrace.] + + + Fanfare + + +[Enter, R., COLONEL, MAJOR, and DUKE. They are again in + uniform.] + +COLONEL Ladies, the Duke has at length determined to select a +bride! + + [General excitement] + +DUKE [R.] I have a great gift to bestow. Approach, such of you +as are truly lovely. [All the MAIDENS come forward, bashfully, +except JANE and PATIENCE.] In personal appearance you have all +that is necessary to make a woman happy. In common fairness, I +think I ought to choose the only one among you who has the +misfortune to be distinctly plain. [Girls retire disappointed.] +Jane! + +JANE [leaving BUNTHORNE's arms] Duke! [JANE and DUKE embrace. +BUNTHORNE is utterly disgusted.] + +BUN. Crushed again! + + + No. 20. After much debate internal + (Finale of Act II) + Ensemble + +DUKE [R.C.] After much debate internal, + I on Lady Jane decide, + Saphir now may take the Col'nel, + Angry be the Major's bride! + +[SAPHIR pairs off with COLONEL, R., ANGELA with MAJOR, L.C., + ELLA with SOLICITOR, L.] + +BUNTHORNE [C.] In that case unprecedented, + Single I must live and die-- + I shall have to be contented + With a tulip or li-ly! + +[BUNTHORNE, C., takes a lily from buttonhole and gazes + affectionately at it.] + +SAPHIR, ELLA, +ANGELA, DUKE, +BUNTHORNE and +COLONEL He will have to be contented + With a tulip or li-ly! + +ALL In that case unprecedented, + Single he/I must live and die-- + He will/I shall have to be contented + With a tulip or li-ly! + + Greatly pleased with one another, + To get married we/they decide. + Each of us/them will wed the other, + Nobody be Bunthorne's Bride! + + Dance + + End of Opera + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's Etext: Complete Plays of Gilbert and Sullivan + |