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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Mr. Dooley's Philosophy, by Finley Peter Dunne
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Mr. Dooley's Philosophy
+
+Author: Finley Peter Dunne
+
+
+Release Date: April, 2005  [EBook #7976]
+This file was first posted on June 8, 2003
+Last Updated: May 29, 2013
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MR. DOOLEY'S PHILOSOPHY ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Juliet Sutherland, Marvin A. Hodges, Charles
+Franks, and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+MR. DOOLEY'S PHILOSOPHY
+
+By Finley Peter Dunne
+
+
+_Illustrated by_ F. OPPER.
+
+
+
+{Illustration: POOR PEOPLE 'LL HAVE SIMPLE MEALS.}
+
+
+
+_To the Hennessys of the world who suffer and are silent_
+
+
+
+
+PREFACE
+
+
+The reporter of these monologues would apologize for the frequent
+reappearances of Mr. Dooley, if he felt the old gentleman would
+appreciate an apology in his behalf. But Mr. Dooley has none of the
+modesty that has been described as "an invention for protection against
+envy," because unlike that one of his distinguished predecessors who
+discovered this theory to excuse his own imperfect but boastful egotism,
+he recognizes no such human failing as envy. Most of the papers in the
+present collection of the sayings of this great and learned man have
+appeared in the press of America and England. This will account for the
+fact that they deal with subjects that have pressed hard upon the minds
+of newspaper readers, statesmen, and tax-payers during the year.
+To these utterances have been added a number of obiter dicta by the
+philosopher, which, perhaps, will be found to have the reminiscent
+flavor that appertains to the observations of all learned judges when
+they are off the bench.
+
+In some cases the sketches have been remodeled and care has been taken
+to correct typographical blunders, except where they seemed to improve
+the text. In this connection the writer must offer his profound
+gratitude to the industrious typographer, who often makes two jokes grow
+where only one grew before, and has added generously to the distress of
+amateur elocutionists.
+
+F. P. D.
+
+
+
+
+
+CONTENTS
+
+
+A BOOK REVIEW AMERICANS ABROAD SERVANT GIRL PROBLEM THE TRANSVAAL
+WAR AND WAR MAKERS UNDERESTIMATING THE ENEMY THE WAR EXPERT MODERN
+EXPLOSIVES THE BOER MISSION THE CHINESE SITUATION MINISTER WU THE FUTURE
+OF CHINA PLATFORM MAKING THE YACHT RACES POLYGAMY PUBLIC FICKLENESS
+KENTUCKY POLITICS YOUNG ORATORY PUBLIC GRATITUDE MARRIAGE AND POLITICS
+ALCOHOL AS FOOD HIGH FINANCE THE PARIS EXPOSITION CHRISTIAN JOURNALISM
+THE ADMIRAL'S CANDIDACY CUSTOMS OF KENTUCKY A SOCIETY SCANDAL DOINGS OF
+ANARCHISTS ANGLO-AMERICAN SPORTS VOICES FROM THE TOMB THE NEGRO PROBLEM
+THE AMERICAN STAGE TROUBLES OF A CANDIDATE A BACHELOR'S LIFE THE
+EDUCATION OF THE YOUNG "L'AIGLON" CASUAL OBSERVATIONS
+
+
+
+
+A BOOK REVIEW
+
+
+"Well sir," said Mr. Dooley, "I jus' got hold iv a book, Hinnissy, that
+suits me up to th' handle, a gran' book, th' grandest iver seen. Ye know
+I'm not much throubled be lithrachoor, havin' manny worries iv me own,
+but I'm not prejudiced again' books. I am not. Whin a rale good book
+comes along I'm as quick as anny wan to say it isn't so bad, an' this
+here book is fine. I tell ye 'tis fine."
+
+"What is it?" Mr. Hennessy asked languidly.
+
+"'Tis 'Th' Biography iv a Hero be Wan who Knows.' 'Tis 'Th' Darin'
+Exploits iv a Brave Man be an Actual Eye Witness.' 'Tis 'Th' Account iv
+th' Desthruction iv Spanish Power in th' Ant Hills,' as it fell fr'm th'
+lips iv Tiddy Rosenfelt an' was took down be his own hands. Ye see 'twas
+this way, Hinnissy, as I r-read th' book. Whin Tiddy was blowed up
+in th' harbor iv Havana he instantly con-cluded they must be war.
+He debated th' question long an' earnestly an' fin'lly passed a jint
+resolution declarin' war. So far so good. But there was no wan to carry
+it on. What shud he do? I will lave th' janial author tell th' story in
+his own wurruds.
+
+"'Th' sicrety iv war had offered me,' he says, 'th' command of a
+rig'mint,' he says, 'but I cud not consint to remain in Tampa while
+perhaps less audacious heroes was at th' front,' he says. 'Besides,'
+he says, 'I felt I was incompetent f'r to command a rig'mint raised be
+another,' he says. 'I detarmined to raise wan iv me own,' he says. 'I
+selected fr'm me acquaintances in th' West,' he says, 'men that had
+thravelled with me acrost th' desert an' th' storm-wreathed mountain,'
+he says, 'sharin' me burdens an' at times confrontin' perils almost as
+gr-reat as anny that beset me path,' he says. 'Together we had faced th'
+turrors iv th' large but vilent West,' he says, 'an' these brave men
+had seen me with me trusty rifle shootin' down th' buffalo, th' elk, th'
+moose, th' grizzly bear, th' mountain goat,' he says, 'th' silver man,
+an' other ferocious beasts iv thim parts,' he says. 'An' they niver
+flinched,' he says. 'In a few days I had thim perfectly tamed,' he says,
+'an' ready to go annywhere I led,' he says. 'On th' thransport goi'n to
+Cubia,' he says, 'I wud stand beside wan iv these r-rough men threatin'
+him as a akel, which he was in ivrything but birth, education, rank
+an' courage, an' together we wud look up at th' admirable stars iv that
+tolerable southern sky an' quote th' bible fr'm Walt Whitman,' he says.
+'Honest, loyal, thrue-hearted la-ads, how kind I was to thim,' he says."
+
+{Illustration: Read the articles by Roosevelt and Davis in the Car Fare
+Magazine}
+
+"'We had no sooner landed in Cubia than it become nicessry f'r me to
+take command iv th' ar-rmy which I did at wanst. A number of days was
+spint be me in reconnoitring, attinded on'y be me brave an' fluent body
+guard, Richard Harding Davis. I discovered that th' inimy was heavily
+inthrenched on th' top iv San Juon hill immejiately in front iv me. At
+this time it become apparent that I was handicapped be th' prisence iv
+th' ar-rmy,' he says. 'Wan day whin I was about to charge a block house
+sturdily definded be an ar-rmy corps undher Gin'ral Tamale, th' brave
+Castile that I aftherwards killed with a small ink-eraser that I always
+carry, I r-ran into th' entire military force iv th' United States lying
+on its stomach. 'If ye won't fight,' says I, 'let me go through, 'I
+says. 'Who ar-re ye?' says they. 'Colonel Rosenfelt,' says I. 'Oh,
+excuse me,' says the gin'ral in command (if me mimry serves me thrue it
+was Miles) r-risin' to his knees an' salutin'. This showed me 'twud be
+impossible f'r to carry th' war to a successful con-clusion unless I
+was free, so I sint th' ar-rmy home an' attackted San Juon hill. Ar-rmed
+on'y with a small thirty-two which I used in th' West to shoot th' fleet
+prairie dog, I climbed that precipitous ascent in th' face iv th' most
+gallin' fire I iver knew or heerd iv. But I had a few r-rounds iv gall
+mesilf an' what cared I? I dashed madly on cheerin' as I wint. Th'
+Spanish throops was dhrawn up in a long line in th' formation known
+among military men as a long line. I fired at th' man nearest to me an'
+I knew be th' expression iv his face that th' trusty bullet wint home.
+It passed through his frame, he fell, an' wan little home in far-off
+Catalonia was made happy be th' thought that their riprisintative had
+been kilt be th' future governor iv New York. Th' bullet sped on its mad
+flight an' passed through th' intire line fin'lly imbeddin' itself in
+th' abdomen iv th' Ar-rch-bishop iv Santiago eight miles away. This
+ended th' war.'
+
+"'They has been some discussion as to who was th' first man to r-reach
+th' summit iv San Juon hill. I will not attempt to dispute th' merits iv
+th' manny gallant sojers, statesmen, corryspondints an' kinetoscope men
+who claim th' distinction. They ar-re all brave men an' if they wish to
+wear my laurels they may. I have so manny annyhow that it keeps me
+broke havin' thim blocked an' irned. But I will say f'r th' binifit iv
+Posterity that I was th' on'y man I see. An I had a tillyscope.'"
+
+"I have thried, Hinnissy," Mr. Dooley continued, "to give you a fair
+idee iv th' contints iv this remarkable book, but what I've tol' ye is
+on'y what Hogan calls an outline iv th' principal pints. Ye'll have to
+r-read th' book ye'ersilf to get a thrue conciption. I haven't time f'r
+to tell ye th' wurruk Tiddy did in ar-rmin' an' equippin' himself, how
+he fed himsilf, how he steadied himsilf in battle an' encouraged himsilf
+with a few well-chosen wurruds whin th' sky was darkest. Ye'll have to
+take a squint into th' book ye'ersilf to l'arn thim things."
+
+"I won't do it," said Mr. Hennessy. "I think Tiddy Rosenfelt is all
+r-right an' if he wants to blow his hor-rn lave him do it."
+
+"Thrue f'r ye," said Mr. Dooley, "an' if his valliant deeds didn't get
+into this book 'twud be a long time befure they appeared in Shafter's
+histhry iv th' war. No man that bears a gredge again' himsilf 'll iver
+be governor iv a state. An' if Tiddy done it all he ought to say so
+an' relieve th' suspinse. But if I was him I'd call th' book 'Alone in
+Cubia.'"
+
+
+
+
+AMERICANS ABROAD
+
+
+"I wondher," said Mr. Dooley, "what me Dutch frind Oom Paul'll think
+whin he hears that Willum Waldorf Asthor has given four thousan' pounds
+or twinty thousan' iv our money as a conthribution to th' British
+governmint?"
+
+"Who's Willum Waldorf Asthor?" Mr. Hennessy asked. "I niver heerd iv
+him."
+
+"Ye wudden't," said Mr. Dooley. "He don't thravel in ye'er set. Willum
+Waldorf Asthor is a gintleman that wanst committed th' sin iv bein'
+bor-rn in this counthry. Ye know what orig-inal sin is, Hinnissy. Ye was
+bor-rn with wan an' I was bor-rn with wan an' ivrybody was bor-rn with
+wan. 'Twas took out iv me be Father Tuomy with holy wather first an'
+be me father aftherward with a sthrap. But I niver cud find out what it
+was. Th' sins I've committed since, I'm sure iv. They're painted red an'
+carry a bell an' whin I'm awake in bed they stan' out on th' wall like
+th' ilicthric signs they have down be State sthreet in front iv th'
+clothin' stores. But I'll go to th' grave without knowin' exactly what
+th' black orig-inal sin was I committed. All I know is I done wrong.
+But with Willum Waldorf Asthor 'tis dif'rent. I say 'tis diff'rent with
+Willum Waldorf Asthor. His orig-inal sin was bein' bor-rn in New York.
+He cudden't do anything about it. Nawthin' in this counthry wud wipe
+it out. He built a hotel intinded f'r jooks who had no sins but thim
+iv their own makin', but even th' sight iv their haughty bills cud not
+efface th' stain. He thried to live down his crime without success an'
+he thried to live down to it be runnin' f'r congress, but it was no go.
+No matther where he wint among his counthrymen in England some wan wud
+find out he was bor-rn in New York an' th' man that ownded th' house
+where he was spindin' th' night wud ast him if he was a cannibal an' had
+he anny Indyan blood in his veins. 'Twas like seein' a fine lookin'
+man with an intel-lecjal forehead an' handsome, dar-rk brown eyes an'
+admirin' him, an' thin larnin' his name is Mudd J. Higgins. His accint
+was proper an' his clothes didn't fit him right, but he was not bor-rn
+in th' home iv his dayscindants, an' whin he walked th' sthreets iv
+London he knew ivry polisman was sayin': 'There goes a man that pretinds
+to be happy, but a dark sorrow is gnawin' at his bosom. He looks as if
+he was at home, but he was bor-rn in New York, Gawd help him."
+
+{Illustration}
+
+
+"So this poor way-worn sowl, afther thryin' ivry other rimidy fr'm
+dhrivin' a coach to failin' to vote, at las' sought out th' rile high
+clark iv th' coort an' says he: 'Behold,' he says, 'an onhappy man,' he
+says. 'With millyons in me pocket, two hotels an' onlimited credit, 'he
+says, 'me hear-rt is gray,' he says. 'Poor sowl,' says th' clark iv th'
+coort, 'What's ailin' ye'?' he says. 'Have ye committed some gr-reat
+crime?' he says. 'Partly,' says Willum Waldorf Asthor. 'It was partly
+me an' partly me folks,' he says. 'I was,' he says, in a voice broken be
+tears, 'I was,' he says, 'bor-rn in New York,' he says. Th' clark made
+th' sign iv th' cross an' says he: 'Ye shudden't have come here,' he
+says. 'Poor afflicted wretch,' he says, 'ye need a clargyman,' he
+says. 'Why did ye seek me out?' he says. 'Because,' says Willum Waldorf
+Asthor, 'I wish,' he says, 'f'r to renounce me sinful life,' he says. 'I
+wish to be bor-rn anew,' he says. An' th' clark bein' a kind man helps
+him out. An' Willum Waldorf Asthor renounced fealty to all foreign
+sovereigns, princes an' potentates an' especially Mack th' Wanst, or
+Twict, iv th' United States an' Sulu an' all his wur-ruks an' he come
+out iv th' coort with his hat cocked over his eye, with a step jaunty
+and high, afther years iv servile freedom a bondman at last!
+
+"So he's a citizen iv Gr-reat Britain now an' a lile subject iv th'
+Queen like you was Hinnissy befure ye was r-run out."
+
+"I niver was," said Mr. Hennessy. "Sure th' Queen iv England was
+renounced f'r me long befure I did it f'r mesilf--to vote."
+
+"Well, niver mind," Mr. Dooley continued, "he's a citizen iv England an'
+he has a castle that's as big as a hotel, on'y nobody goes there excipt
+thim that's ast, an' not all of those, an' he owns a newspaper an' th'
+editor iv it's the Prince iv Wales an' th' rayporthers is all jooks an'
+th' Archbishop iv Canterbury r-runs th' ilivator, an' slug wan in th'
+printin' office is th' Impror iv Germany in disgeese. 'Tis a pa-per I'd
+like to see. I'd like to know how th' Jook iv Marlbro'd do th' McGovern
+fight. An' some day Willum Waldorf Asthor'll be able to wurruk f'r
+his own pa-aper, f'r he's goin' to be a earl or a markess or a jook
+or somethin' gran'. Ye can't be anny iv these things without money,
+Hinnissy, an' he has slathers iv it."
+
+"Where does he get it?" demanded Mr. Hennessy.
+
+"F'rm this counthry," said Mr. Dooley.
+
+"I shud think," Mr. Hennessy protested stoutly, "if he's ashamed iv this
+counthry he wudden't want to take money f'rm it."
+
+"That's where ye're wrong," Mr. Dooley replied. "Take money annywhere
+ye find it. I'd take money f'rm England, much as I despise that formerly
+haughty but now dejected land, if I cud get anny from there. An' whin ye
+come down to it, I dinnaw as I blame Willum Waldorf Asthor f'r shiftin'
+his allegiance. Ivry wan to his taste as th' man said whin he dhrank out
+iv th' fire extinguisher. It depinds on how ye feel. If ye ar-re a tired
+la-ad an' wan without much fight in ye, livin' in this counthry is
+like thryin' to read th' Lives iv the Saints at a meetin' iv th'
+Clan-na-Gael. They'se no quiet f'r annybody. They's a fight on ivry
+minyit iv th' time. Ye may say to ye'ersilf: 'I'll lave these la-ads
+roll each other as much as they plaze, but I'll set here in th' shade
+an' dhrink me milk punch, but ye can't do it. Some wan 'll say, 'Look at
+that gazabo settin' out there alone. He's too proud f'r to jine in our
+simple dimmycratic festivities. Lave us go over an' bate him on th'
+eye.' An' they do it. Now if ye have fightin' blood in ye'er veins ye
+hastily gulp down yeer dhrink an' hand ye'er assailant wan that does him
+no kind iv good, an' th' first thing ye know ye're in th thick iv it an'
+its scrap, scrap, scrap till th' undhertaker calls f'r to measure ye.
+An' 'tis tin to wan they'se somethin' doin' at th' fun'ral that ye're
+sorry ye missed. That's life in America. Tis a gloryous big fight, a
+rough an' tumble fight, a Donnybrook fair three thousan' miles wide an'
+a ruction in ivry block. Head an' ban's an' feet an' th' pitchers on th'
+wall. No holds barred. Fight fair but don't f'rget th' other la-ad may
+not know where th' belt line is. No polisman in sight. A man's down with
+twinty on top iv him wan minyit. Th' next he's settin' on th' pile usin'
+a base-ball bat on th' neighbor next below him. 'Come on, boys, f'r
+'tis growin' late, an' no wan's been kilt yet. Glory be, but this is th'
+life!'
+
+"Now, if I'm tired I don't want to fight. A man bats me in th' eye an'
+I call f'r th' polis. They isn't a polisman in sight. I say to th'
+man that poked me: 'Sir, I fain wud sleep.' 'Get up,' he says, 'an' be
+doin',' he says. 'Life is rale, life is earnest,' he says, 'an' man was
+made to fight,' he says, fetchin' me a kick. An' if I'm tired I say,
+'What's th' use? I've got plenty iv money in me inside pocket. I'll go
+to a place where they don't know how to fight. I'll go where I can get
+something but an argymint f'r me money an' where I won't have to rassle
+with th' man that bates me carpets, ayether,' I says, 'f'r fifty cints
+overcharge or good govermint,' I says. An' I pike off to what Hogan
+calls th' effete monarchies iv Europe an' no wan walks on me toes, an'
+ivry man I give a dollar to becomes an acrobat an' I live comfortably
+an' die a markess! Th' divvle I do!
+
+"That's what I was goin' to say," Mr. Hennessy remarked. "Ye wudden't
+live annywhere but here."
+
+"No," said Mr. Dooley, "I wudden't. I'd rather be Dooley iv Chicago than
+th' Earl iv Peltvule. It must be that I'm iv th' fightin' kind."
+
+
+
+
+SERVANT GIRL PROBLEM
+
+
+Whin Congress gets through expellin' mimbers that believes so much in
+mathrimony that they carry it into ivry relation iv life an' opens th'
+dure iv Chiny so that an American can go in there as free as a Chinnyman
+can come into this refuge iv th' opprissed iv th' wurruld, I hope'twill
+turn its attintion to th' gr-reat question now confrontin' th'
+nation--th' question iv what we shall do with our hired help. What shall
+we do with thim?
+
+"We haven't anny," said Mr. Hennessy.
+
+"No," said Mr. Dooley. "Ar-rchey r-road has no servant girl problem. Th'
+rule is ivry woman her own cook an' ivry man his own futman, an' be th'
+same token we have no poly-gamy problem an' no open dure problem an'
+no Ph'lippeen problem. Th' on'y problem in Ar-rchey r-road is how manny
+times does round steak go into twelve at wan dollar-an-a-half a day. But
+east iv th' r-red bridge, Hinnissy, wan iv th' most cryin' issues iv
+th' hour is: What shall we do with our hired help? An' if Congress don't
+take hold iv it we ar-re a rooned people."
+
+"'Tis an ol' problem an' I've seen it arise an' shake its gory head
+ivry few years whiniver th' Swede popylation got wurruk an' begun bein'
+marrid, thus rayjoocin' th' visible supply iv help. But it seems 'tis
+deeper thin that. I see be letters in th' pa-apers that servants is
+insolent, an' that they won't go to wurruk onless they like th' looks iv
+their employers, an' that they rayfuse to live in th' counthry. Why anny
+servant shud rayfuse to live in th' counthry is more thin I can see.
+Ye'd think that this disreputable class'd give annything to lave
+th' crowded tinimints iv a large city where they have frinds be th'
+hundherds an' know th' polisman on th' bate an' can go out to hateful
+dances an' moonlight picnics--ye'd think these unforchnate slaves'd be
+delighted to live in Mulligan's subdivision, amid th' threes an' flowers
+an' bur-rds. Gettin' up at four o'clock in th' mornin' th' singin'
+iv th' full-throated alarm clock is answered be an invisible choir iv
+songsters, as Shakespere says, an' ye see th' sun rise over th' hills as
+ye go out to carry in a ton iv coal. All day long ye meet no wan as
+ye thrip over th' coal-scuttle, happy in ye'er tile an' ye'er heart is
+enlivened be th' thought that th' childher in th' front iv th' house
+ar-re growin' sthrong on th' fr-resh counthry air. Besides they'se
+always cookin' to do. At night ye can set be th' fire an' improve ye'er
+mind be r-readin' half th' love story in th' part iv th' pa-aper that
+th' cheese come home in, an' whin ye're through with that, all ye have
+to do is to climb a ladder to th' roof an' fall through th' skylight an'
+ye're in bed."
+
+{Illustration}
+
+
+"But wud ye believe it, Hinnissy, manny iv these misguided women rayfuse
+f'r to take a job that aint in a city. They prefer th' bustle an'
+roar iv th' busy marts iv thrade, th' sthreet car, th' saloon on three
+corners an' th' church on wan, th' pa-apers ivry mornin' with pitchers
+iv th' s'ciety fav'rite that's just thrown up a good job at Armours to
+elope with th' well-known club man who used to be yard-masther iv th'
+three B's, G, L, & N., th' shy peek into th' dhry-goods store, an' other
+base luxuries, to a free an' healthy life in th' counthry between iliven
+P.M. an' four A.M. Wensdahs an' Sundahs. 'Tis worse thin that, Hinnissy,
+f'r whin they ar-re in th' city they seem to dislike their wurruk an'
+manny iv thim ar-re givin' up splindid jobs with good large families
+where they have no chanst to spind their salaries, if they dhraw thim,
+an' takin' places in shops, an' gettin' marrid an' adoptin' other
+devices that will give thim th' chanst f'r to wear out their good
+clothes. 'Tis a horrible situation. Riley th' conthractor dhropped in
+here th' other day in his horse an' buggy on his way to the dhrainage
+canal an' he was all wurruked up over th' question. 'Why,' he says,
+''tis scand'lous th' way servants act,' he says. 'Mrs. Riley has
+hystrics,' he says. 'An' ivry two or three nights whin I come home,' he
+says, 'I have to win a fight again' a cook with a stove lid befure I
+can move me family off th' fr-ront stoop,' he says. 'We threat thim well
+too,' he says. 'I gave th' las' wan we had fifty cints an' a cook book
+at Chris'mas an' th' next day she left befure breakfast,' he says. 'What
+naytionalties do ye hire?' says I. 'I've thried thim all,' he says,
+'an',' he says, 'I'll say this in shame,' he says, 'that th' Irish ar-re
+th' worst,' he says. 'Well,' says I, 'ye need have no shame,' I says,
+'f'r'tis on'y th' people that ar-re good servants that'll niver be
+masthers,' I says. 'Th' Irish ar-re no good as servants because they
+ar-re too good,' I says. 'Th' Dutch ar-re no good because they aint good
+enough. No matther how they start they get th' noodle habit. I had wan,
+wanst, an' she got so she put noodles in me tay,' I says. 'Th' Swedes
+ar-re all right but they always get marrid th' sicond day. Ye'll have a
+polisman at th' dure with a warrant f'r th' arrist iv ye'er cook if ye
+hire a Boheemyan,' I says. 'Coons'd be all right but they're liable f'r
+to hand ye ye'er food in ragtime, an' if ye ordher pork-chops f'r dinner
+an' th' hall is long,'tis little ye'll have to eat whin th' platter's
+set down,' I says. 'No,' says I, 'they'se no naytionality now livin' in
+this counthry that're nathral bor-rn servants,' I says. 'If ye want
+to save throuble,' I says, 'ye'll import ye'er help. They'se a race
+iv people livin' in Cinthral Africa that'd be jus' r-right. They niver
+sleep, tkey can carry twice their weight on their backs, they have no
+frinds, they wear no clothes, they can't read, they can't dance an'
+they don't dhrink. Th' fact is they're thoroughly oneddycated. If ye
+cud tache thim to cook an' take care iv childher they'd be th' best
+servants,' says I. 'An' what d'ye call thim?' says he. 'I f'rget,' says
+I. An' he wint away mad."
+
+"Sure an' he's a nice man to be talkin' iv servants," said Mr. Hennessy.
+"He was a gintleman's man in th' ol' counthry an' I used to know his
+wife whin she wurruked f'r ----"
+
+"S-sh," said Mr. Dooley. "They're beyond that now. Besides they speak
+fr'm experyence. An' mebbe that's th' throuble. We're always harder with
+our own kind thin with others. 'Tis I that'd be th' fine cinsor iv a
+bartinder's wurruk. Th' more ye ought to be a servant ye'ersilf th' more
+difficult'tis f'r ye to get along with servants. I can holler to anny
+man fr'm th' top iv a buildin' an' make him tur-rn r-round, but if I
+come down to th' sthreet where he can see I aint anny bigger thin he is,
+an' holler at him, 'tis twinty to wan if he tur-rns r-round he'll hit me
+in th' eye. We have a servant girl problem because, Hinnissy, it isn't
+manny years since we first begun to have servant girls. But I hope
+Congress'll take it up. A smart Congress like th' wan we have now ought
+to be able to spare a little time fr'm its preparation iv new Jims iv
+speech f'r th' third reader an' rig up a bill that'd make keepin' house
+a recreation while so softenin' th' spirit iv th' haughty sign iv a
+noble race in th' kitchen that cookin' buckwheat cakes on a hot day with
+th' aid iv a bottle iv smokeless powdher'd not cause her f'r to sind a
+worthy man to his office in slippers an' without a hat."
+
+"Ah," said Mr. Hennessy, the simple democrat. "It wud be all r-right if
+women'd do their own cookin'."
+
+"Well," said Mr. Dooley. "'Twud be a return to Jacksonyan simplicity,
+an' 'twud be a gr-reat thing f'r th' resthrant business."
+
+
+
+
+THE TRANSVAAL
+
+
+"It looks like war," said Mr. Hennessy, who had been glancing at the
+flaming head-lines of an evening paper over Mr. Dooley's shoulder.
+
+"It always does," said Mr. Dooley. "Since th' Czar iv Rooshia
+inthrajooced his no-fight risolution, they'se been no chanst that they
+wudden't be ructious."
+
+"An' what's it all about?" demanded Mr. Hennessy. "I can't make head nor
+tail iv it at all, at all."
+
+"Well ye see 'tis this way," said Mr. Dooley. "Ye see th' Boers is a
+simple, pasthral people that goes about their business in their own way,
+raisin' hell with ivrybody. They was bor-rn with an aversion to society
+an' whin th' English come they lit out befure thim, not likin' their
+looks. Th' English kept comin' an' the Boers kept movin' till they
+cudden't move anny further without bumpin' into th' Soodanese ar-rmy an'
+thin they settled down an' says they, 'This far shall we go,' says
+they, bein' a rellijous people, 'an' divvle th' sthep further.' An' they
+killed off th' irrelijous naygurs an' started in f'r to raise cattle.
+An' at night they'd set outside iv their dorps, which, Hinnissy, is
+Dutch f'r two-story brick house an' lot, an' sip their la-ager an' swap
+horses an' match texts fr'm th' Bible f'r th' seegars, while th' childer
+played marbles with dimons as big as th' end iv ye'er thumb.
+
+"Well, th' English heerd they was goold be th' bucket in ivry cellar
+fr'm Oopencoff to Doozledorf, which, Hinnissy, is like New York an' San
+Francisco, bein' th' exthreme pints iv th' counthry, an' they come on
+in gr-reat hordes, sturdy Anglo-Saxons fr'm Saxony, th' Einsteins an'
+Heidlebacks an' Werners an' whin they took out goold enough so's they
+needed raycreation they wanted to vote. 'An',' says Joe Chamberlain, he
+says, 'Be hivins, they shall vote,' he says. 'Is it,' he says, 'possible
+that at this stage iv th' world's progress' he says, 'an English
+gintleman shud be denied,' he says, 'th' right to dhrop off a thrain
+annywhere in th' civilized wurruld an' cast his impeeryal vote?' he
+says. 'Give thim th' franchise,' he says, 'or be this an' be that!'
+he says, 'f'r we have put our hand to th' plough, an' we will not turn
+back,' he says.
+
+{Illustration}
+
+"Kruger, that's th' main guy iv th' Dutch, a fine man, Hennissy, that
+looks like Casey's goat an' has manny iv th' same peculyarities, he
+says, 'All r-right,' he says, 'I'll give thim th' franchise,' he says.
+'Whin?' says Joe Chamberlain. 'In me will,' says Kruger. 'Whin I die,'
+he says, 'an' I hope to live to be a hundherd if I keep on smokin'
+befure breakfast,' he says, 'I'll bequeath to me frinds, th' English, or
+such iv thim as was here befure I come, th' inalienable an' sacred right
+to demand fr'm me succissor th' privilege iv ilictin' an aldherman,' he
+says. 'But,' he says, 'in th' mane-time,' he says, 'we'll lave things
+the way they are,' he says. 'I'm old,' he say, 'an' not good-lookin','
+he says, 'an' me clothes don't fit an' they may be marks iv food on me
+vest,' he says, 'but I'm not more thin half crazy an' annytime ye find
+me givin' annywan a chanst to vote me into a job dhrivin' a mule an' put
+in an English prisidint iv this ray-public,' he says, 'ye may conclude
+that ye'er Uncle Paul needs a guarjeen!' he says.
+
+"'Far be it fr'm me to suggist anny but peaceful measures,' says Sir
+Alfred Milner, that's th' lad they have down in Africa, th' Injun agent,
+'f'r th' English an' Dutch shud wurruk together like brothers f'r
+th' removal iv th' naygur popylation,' he says, 'but,' he says, 'as a
+brother I politely suggest to ye that if ye don't give us what we want
+we'll hand ye a fraternal punch!' he says. 'F'r,' he says,' 'we have put
+our hand to th' plough,' he says, 'an' we cannot turn back,' he says.
+
+"'What Sir Alfred Milner says is thrue,' says Lord Lelborne, an' what
+th' divvle he has to do about it I dinnaw. 'Th' situation is such,' he
+says, 'as to be intol'rable to a silf-rayspictin' Englishman,' he says.
+'What a crime,' he says, 'that th' men who ar-re takin' most iv th'
+money out iv th' counthry shud not be allowed to stick in anny iv th'
+votes,' he says. 'We have, as Shakespeare says, put our hand to th'
+plough,' he says, 'an' we cannot turn back,' he says. 'I agree corjally
+with th' noble lord on th' r-red lounge abaft me,' says Lord Salisbury.
+'With the echoes of me own noble sintimints on th' peace proclamation iv
+me good frind, th' Czar iv Rooshia, still ringin' in me ears,' he says,
+'it wud ill become me to speak iv foorce,' he says. 'I wud on'y say
+that if th' Transvaal raypublic wud rather have a Dum-dum bullet in its
+tum-tum thin grant to Englishmen th' r-right to run th' govermint, thin
+th' Transvaal rapublic'll have both!' he says. 'I will add,' he says,
+'that we have put our hand to th' plough an' we will not turn back,' he
+says.
+
+"Well, sir, 'twas up to Kruger an' he knocked th' ashes out iv his pipe
+on his vest an' says he, 'Gintlemen,' he says, 'I wud like to do me
+best to accomydate ye,' he says. 'Nawthin' short iv a severe attack
+iv sickness wud plaze me so much as to see long lines iv Englishmen
+marchin' up to th' polls an' depositin' their ballots again' me f'r
+prisidint,' he says. 'But,' he says, 'I'm an old man!' he says. 'I was
+ilicted young an' I niver done annything since,' he says. 'I wudden't
+know what to do without it,' he says. 'What ye propose is to make an
+ex-prisidint iv me. D'ye think I cud stand that? D'ye think at my age
+I wud be contint to dash fr'm wan justice coort to another pleadin' f'r
+habyas-corpus writs or test me principles iv personal expansion in a Noo
+Jarsey village?' he says. 'I'd rather be a dead prisidint thin a live
+ex-prisidint. If I have anny pollytical ambition I'd rather be a Grant
+or a Garfield thin a Cleveland or a Harrison,' he says. 'I may've read
+it in th' Bible, though I think I saw it in a scand'lous book me frind
+Rhodes left in his bedroom las' time he called on me, that ye shud niver
+discard an ace to dhraw to a flush,' he says. 'I deplore th' language
+but th' sintimint is sound,' he says. 'An' I believe ye'er intintions
+to presarve peace ar-re honest, but I don't like to see ye pullin' off
+ye'er coat an' here goes f'r throuble while ye have ye'er arms in th'
+sleeves,' he says. 'F'r,' he says, 'ye have put ye'er hand in th' reaper
+an' it cannot turn back,' he says.
+
+"An' there they go, Hinnissy. I'm not again England in this thing,
+Hinnissy, an' I'm not again th' Boers. Like Mack I'm divided on a
+matther iv principle between a desire to cemint th' 'lieance an' an
+affiction f'r th' Dutch vote. But if Kruger had spint his life in a rale
+raypublic where they burn gas he cud've settled th' business without
+losin' sleep. If I was Kruger there'd've been no war."
+
+"What wud ye have done?" Mr. Hennessy asked.
+
+"I'd give thim th' votes," said Mr. Dooley. "But," he added
+significantly, "I'd do th' countin'."
+
+
+
+
+WAR AND WAR MAKERS
+
+
+"I tell ye, Hinnissy," said Mr. Dooley, "Ye can't do th'
+English-speakin' people. Oursilves an' th' hands acrost th' sea ar-re
+rapidly teachin' th' benighted Lutheryan an' other haythin that as a
+race we're onvincible an' oncatcheable. Th' Anglo-Saxon race meetin's
+now going on in th' Ph'lippeens an' South Africa ought to convince
+annywan that give us a fair start an' we can bate th' wurruld to a
+tillygraft office.
+
+"Th' war our cousins be Sir Thomas Lipton is prosecutin', as Hogan says,
+again th' foul but accrate Boers is doin' more thin that. It's givin' us
+a common war lithrachoor. I wudden't believe at first whin I r-read th'
+dispatches in th' pa-apers that me frind Gin'ral Otis wasn't in South
+Africa. It was on'y whin I see another chapter iv his justly cillybrated
+seeryal story, intitled 'Th' Capture iv Porac' that I knew he had an
+imitator in th' mother counthry. An' be hivins, I like th' English
+la-ad's style almost as well as our own gr-reat artist's. Mebbe'tis,
+as th' pa-apers say, that Otis has writ himsilf out. Annyhow th' las'
+chapter isn't thrillin'. He says: 'To-day th' ar-rmy undher my command
+fell upon th' inimy with gr-reat slaughter an' seized th' important
+town of Porac which I have mintioned befure, but,' he says, 'we ar-re
+fortunately now safe in Manila.' Ye see he doesn't keep up th' intherest
+to th' end. Th' English pote does betther."
+
+"'Las' night at eight o'clock,' he says, 'we found our slendher but
+inthrepid ar-rmy surrounded be wan hundhred thousan' Boers,' he says.
+'We attackted thim with gr-reat fury,' he says, 'pursuin' thim up th'
+almost inaccessible mountain side an' capturin' eight guns which we
+didn't want so we give thim back to thim with siveral iv our own,'
+he says. 'Th' Irish rig'mints,' he says, 'th' Kerry Rifles, th' Land
+Leaguers' Own, an' th' Dublin Pets, commanded be th' Pop'lar Irish sojer
+Gin'ral Sir Ponsonby Tompkins wint into battle singin' their well-known
+naytional anthem: "Mrs. Innery Awkins is a fust-class name!" Th' Boers
+retreated,' he says, 'pursued be th' Davitt Terrors who cut their way
+through th' fugitives with awful slaughter,' he says. 'They have now,'
+he says, 'pinethrated as far us Pretoria,' he says, 'th' officers
+arrivin' in first-class carredges an' th' men in thrucks,' he says,
+'an' ar-re camped in th' bettin' shed where they ar-re afforded ivry
+attintion be th' vanquished inimy,' he says. 'As f'r us,' he says, 'we
+decided afther th' victhry to light out f'r Ladysmith.' he says, 'Th'
+inimy had similar intintions,' he says, 'but their skill has been vastly
+overrated,' he says. 'We bate thim,' he says 'we bate thim be thirty
+miles,' he says. That's where we're sthrong, Hinnissy. We may get licked
+on th' battle field, we may be climbin' threes in th' Ph'lippeens with
+arrows stickin' in us like quills, as Hogan says, into th' fretful
+porcupine or we may be doin' a mile in five minyits flat down th' pike
+that leads to Cape Town pursued be th' less fleet but more ignorant
+Boers peltin' us with guns full iv goold an' bibles, but in th' pages iv
+histhry that our childhren read we niver turned back on e'er an inimy.
+We make our own gloryous pages on th' battlefield, in th' camp an' in
+th' cab'net meetin'."
+
+"Well, 't is all r-right f'r ye to be jokin'," said Mr. Hennessy, "but
+there's manny a brave fellow down there that it's no joke to."
+
+"Thrue f'r ye," said Mr. Dooley, "an' that's why I wisht it cud be fixed
+up so's th' men that starts th' wars could do th' fightin'. Th' throuble
+is that all th' prelimin'ries is arranged be matchmakers an' all they'se
+left f'r fighters is to do th' murdherin'. A man's got a good job at
+home an' he wants to make it sthronger. How can he do it? Be throwin'
+out some one that's got an akelly good job down th' sthreet. Now he
+don't go over as I wud an' say, 'Here Schwartzmeister (or Kruger as th'
+case may be) I don't like ye'er appearance, ye made a monkey iv me in
+argymint befure th' neighborhood an' if ye continyue in business ye'll
+hurt me thrade, so here goes to move ye into th' sthreet!' Not
+that la-ad. He gets a crowd around him an' says he: 'Kruger (or
+Schwartzmeister as th' case may be) is no good. To begin with he's a
+Dutchman. If that ain't enough he's a cantin', hymn singin' murdhrous
+wretch that wuddent lave wan iv our counthrymen ate a square meal if he
+had his way. I'll give ye all two dollars a week if ye'll go over an'
+desthroy him.' An' th' other la-ad, what does he do? He calls in th'
+neighbors an' says he: 'Dooley is sindin' down a gang iv savages
+to murdher me. Do ye lave ye'er wurruk an' ye'er families an' rally
+ar-round me an' where ye see me plug hat wave do ye go in th' other
+direction,' he says, 'an' slay th' brutal inimy,' he says. An' off goes
+th' sojers an' they meet a lot iv la-ads that looks like thimsilves an'
+makes sounds that's more or less human an' ates out iv plates an' they
+swap smokin' tobacco an' sings songs together an' th' next day they're
+up early jabbing holes in each other with baynits. An' whin its all
+over they'se me an' Chamberlain at home victoryous an' Kruger an'
+Schwartzmeister at home akelly victoryous. An' they make me prime
+minister or aldherman but whin I want a man to put in me coal I don't
+take wan with a wooden leg.
+
+"I'll niver go down again to see sojers off to th' war. But ye'll see me
+at th' depot with a brass band whin th' men that causes wars starts f'r
+th' scene iv carnage. Whin Congress goes forth to th' sun-kissed an'
+rain jooled isles iv th' Passyfic no more heartier cheer will be beard
+thin th' wan or two that rises fr'm th' bosom iv Martin Dooley. Says I,
+give thim th' chanst to make histhry an' lave th' young men come home
+an' make car wheels. If Chamberlain likes war so much 'tis him that
+ought to be down there in South Africa peltin' over th' road with ol'
+Kruger chasin' him with a hoe. Th' man that likes fightin' ought to be
+willin' to turn in an' spell his fellow-counthrymen himsilf. An'
+I'd even go this far an' say that if Mack wants to subjoo th' dam
+Ph'lippeens----"
+
+"Ye're a thraitor," said Mr. Hennessy.
+
+"I know it," said Mr. Dooley, complacently.
+
+"Ye're an anti-expansionist."
+
+"If ye say that again," cried Mr. Dooley, angrily, "I'll smash in ye'er
+head."
+
+
+
+
+UNDERESTIMATING THE ENEMY
+
+
+"What d'ye think iv th' war?" Mr. Hennessy asked.
+
+"I think I want to go out an' apologize to Shafter," said Mr. Dooley.
+
+"I'm like ivrybody else, be hivins, I thought war was like shootin'
+glass balls. I niver thought iv th' glass balls thrainin' a dinnymite
+gun on me. 'Tis a thrait iv us Anglo-Saxons that we look on an inimy as
+a target. If ye hit him ye get three good see-gars. We're like people
+that dhreams iv fights. In me dhreams I niver lost wan fight. A man I
+niver saw befure comes up an' says something mane to me, that I can't
+raymimber, an' I climb into him an' 'tis all over in a minyit. He niver
+hits me, or if he does I don't feel it. I put him on his back an' bate
+him to death. An' thin I help mesilf to his watch an' chain an'
+me frinds come down an' say, 'Martin, ye haven't a scratch,' an'
+con-grathlate me, an' I wandher ar-roun' th' sthreets with a chip on me
+shoulder till I look down an' see that I haven't a stitch on me but a
+short shirt. An' thin I wake up. Th' list iv knock-outs to me credit
+in dhreams wud make Fitzsimmons feel poor. But ne'er a wan iv thim was
+printed in th' pa-apers."
+
+"'Tis so with me frinds, th' hands acrost th' sea. They wint to sleep
+an' had a dhream. An' says they: 'We will sind down to South Africa thim
+gallant throops that have won so manny hard-fought reviews,' they says,
+'captained,' they says, 'be th' flower iv our aristocracy,' they says.
+'An' whin th' Boers come out ar-rmed with rollin' pins an' bibles,' they
+says, 'We'll just go at thim,' they says, 'an' walk through thim an'
+that night we'll have a cotillyon at Pretoria to which all frinds is
+invited,' they says. An' so they deposit their intellects in th' bank
+at home, an' th' absent-minded beggars goes out in thransports iv
+pathreetism an' pothry. An' they'se a meetin' iv th' cabinet an' 'tis
+decided that as th' war will on'y las' wan week 'twill be well f'r
+to begin renamin' th' cities iv th' Thransvaal afther pop'lar English
+statesmen--Joechamberlainville an' Rhodesdorp an' Beitfontein. F'r they
+have put their hands to th' plough an' th' sponge is squeezed dhry, an'
+th' sands iv th' glass have r-run out an' th' account is wiped clean."
+
+"An' what's th' Boer doin' all this time? What's me frind th' Boer
+doin'. Not sleepin', Hinnissy, mind ye. He hasn't anny dhreams iv
+conquest. But whin a man with long whiskers comes r-ridin' up th' r-road
+an' says: 'Jan Schmidt or Pat O'Toole or whativer his name is, ye're
+wanted at th' front,' he goes home an' takes a rifle fr'm th' wall an'
+kisses his wife an' childher good-bye an' puts a bible in th' tails iv
+his coat an' a stovepipe hat on his head an' thramps away. An' his wife
+says: 'Good-bye, Jan. Don't be long gone an' don't get shooted.' An' he
+says: 'Not while I've got a leg undher me an' a rock in front iv me,' he
+says. I tell ye, Hinnissy, ye can't beat a man that fights f'r his home
+an' counthry in a stovepipe hat. He might be timpted f'r to come out
+fr'm cover f'r his native land, but he knows if he goes home to his wife
+with his hat mussed she won't like it, an' so he sets behind a rock an'
+plugs away. If th' lid is knocked off he's fatally wounded."
+
+"What's th' raysult, Hinnissy? Th' British marches up with their bands
+playin' an' their flags flyin'. An' th' Boers squat behind a bouldher
+or a three or set comfortable in th' bed iv a river an' bang away. Their
+on'y thradition is that it's betther to be a live Boer thin a dead hero,
+which comes, perhaps, to th' same thing. They haven't been taught
+f'r hundherds iv years that 'tis a miracle f'r to be an officer an' a
+disgrace to be a private sojer. They know that if they're kilt they'll
+have their names printed in th' pa-apers as well as th' Markess iv
+Doozleberry that's had his eyeglass shot out. But they ain't lookin' f'r
+notoriety. All they want is to get home safe, with their counthry free,
+their honor protected an' their hats in good ordher. An' so they hammer
+away an' th' inimy keeps comin', an' th' varyous editions iv th'
+London pa-apers printed in this counthry have standin' a line iv type
+beginnin', 'I regret to state.'"
+
+"All this, Hinnissy, comes fr'm dhreamin' dhreams. If th' British had
+said, 'This unclean an' raypeecious people that we're against is also
+very tough. Dirty though they be, they'll fight. Foul though their
+nature is, they have ca'tridges in their belts. This not bein' England
+an' th' inimy we have again us not bein' our frinds, we will f'rget th'
+gloryous thraditions iv th' English an' Soudan ar-rmies an' instead iv
+r-rushin' on thim sneak along yon kindly fence an' hit thim on th' back
+iv th' neck,'--they'd be less, 'I r-regret-to-states' and more 'I'm
+plazed-to-reports.' They wud so, an' I'm a man that's been through
+columns an' columns iv war. Ye'll find, Hinnissy, that 'tis on'y
+ar-rmies fights in th' open. Nations fights behind threes an' rocks.
+Ye can put that in ye're little book. 'Tis a sayin' I made as I wint
+along."
+
+"We done th' same way oursilves," said Mr. Hennessy.
+
+"We did that," said Mr. Dooley. "We were in a dhream, too. Th' on'y
+thing is th' other fellow was in a thrance. We woke up first. An'
+anny-how I'm goin' to apologize to Shafter. He may not have anny medals
+f'r standin' up in range iv th' guns but, be hivins, he niver dhrove his
+buckboard into a river occypied be th' formerly loathed Castile."
+
+
+
+
+THE WAR EXPERT
+
+
+Mr. Dooley was reading the war news--not our war news but the war news
+we are interested in--when Mr. Hennessy interrupted him to ask "What's a
+war expert?"
+
+"A war expert," said Mr. Dooley, "is a man ye niver heerd iv befure.
+If ye can think iv annywan whose face is onfamilyar to ye an' ye don't
+raymimber his name, an' he's got a job on a pa-aper ye didn't know was
+published, he's a war expert. 'Tis a har-rd office to fill. Whin a war
+begins th' timptation is sthrong f'r ivry man to grab hold iv a gun
+an go to th' fr-ront. But th' war expert has to subjoo his cravin' f'r
+blood. He says to himsilf 'Lave others seek th' luxuries iv life in
+camp,' he says. 'F'r thim th' boat races acrost th' Tugela, th' romp
+over the kopje, an' th' game iv laager, laager who's got th' laager?' he
+says. 'I will stand be me counthry,' he says, 'close,' he says. 'If it
+falls,' he says, 'it will fall on me,' he says. An' he buys himsilf a
+map made be a fortune teller in a dhream, a box iv pencils an' a field
+glass, an' goes an' looks f'r a job as a war expert. Says th' editor
+iv th' pa-aper: 'I don't know ye. Ye must be a war expert,' he says. 'I
+am,' says th' la-ad. 'Was ye iver in a war?' says th' editor. 'I've been
+in nawthin' else,' says th' la-ad. 'Durin' th' Spanish-American War,
+I held a good job as a dhramatic critic in Dedham, Matsachoosets,' he
+says. 'Whin th' bullets flew thickest in th' Soodan I was spoortin'
+editor iv th' Christyan Advocate,' he says. 'I passed through th'
+Franco-Prooshan War an' held me place, an' whin th' Turks an' Rooshans
+was at each other's throats, I used to lay out th' campaign ivry day on
+a checker board,' he says. 'War,' he says, has no turrors f'r me,' he
+says. 'Ye're th man f'r th' money,' says th' editor. An' he gets th'
+job."
+
+"Thin th' war breaks out in earnest. No matther how manny is kilt,
+annything that happens befure th' war expert gets to wurruk is on'y what
+we might call a prelimin'ry skirmish. He sets down an' bites th' end
+iv his pencil an' looks acrost th' sthreet an' watches a man paintin' a
+sign. Whin th' man gets through he goes to th' window an' waits to see
+whether th' polisman that wint into th' saloon is afther a dhrink or
+sarvin' a warrant. If he comes r-right out 'tis a warrant. Thin he sets
+back in a chair an' figures out that th' pitchers on th' wall pa-aper
+ar-re all alike ivry third row. Whin his mind is thurly tuned up be
+these inthricate problems, he dashes to his desk an' writes what you an'
+I read th' nex' day in th' pa-apers."
+
+"Clarence Pontoon, th' military expert iv th' London Mornin' Dhram,
+reviewin' Gin'ral Buller's position on th' Tugela, says: 'It is manifest
+fr'm th' dispatches tellin' that Gin'ral Buller has crost th' Tugela
+River that Gin'ral Buller has crost th' Tugela River. This we r-read
+in spite iv th' cinsor. Th' question is which side he has crost to. On
+Friday he was on th' north side in th' mornin' an' on th' south side at
+night, an' in th' river at noon. We heerd nawthin' Sathurdah mornin'.
+Th' presumption is that they was nawthin' to hear. Therefore it is
+aisy to imagine Gin'ral Buller, findin' his position on th' north
+side ontenable an' his position on th' south side onbearable, is
+thransportin' his troops up th' river on rafts an' is now engagin'
+th' inimy between Spitzozone an' Rottenfontein, two imminsely sthrong
+points. All this dimonsthrates th' footility an' foolishness iv
+attimptin' to carry a frontal position agains' large, well-fed Dutchmen
+with mud in th' fr-ront iv thim."
+
+"'I cal'clate that it wud require thirty millyon thurly dauntless
+Britions to ixicute such a manoover, tin Boers ar-rmed with pop bottles
+bein' now considhered th' akel iv a brigade. What I wud do if I was
+Buller, an' I thank Hivin I'm not, wud be move me ar-rmy in half-an-hour
+over th' high but aisily accessible mountains to th' right iv
+Crowrijoy's forces, an' takin' off me shoes so he cudden't hear thim
+squeak, creep up behind th' Dutch an' lam their heads off. Afther this
+sthroke 'twud be aisy f'r to get th' foorces iv Fr-rinch, Gatacre,
+Methoon, an' Winston Churchill together some afthernoon, invite th'
+inimy to a band concert, surround an' massacree thim. This adroit move
+cud be ixicuted if Roberts wud on'y make use iv th' ixicillint bus
+sarvice between Hokesmith an' Mikesmith. It is exthraordinary that th'
+gin'ral on th' groun' has not seen th' possibilities so apparent at a
+distance.'"
+
+"That's wan kind iv war expert, Hinnissy. Another kind is th' wan that
+gives it good to th' gover'mint. Says Willum McGlue, war expert iv
+th' London Mornin' Growl, who's supposed to be cheek be jowl with Lord
+Wolseley. 'England's greatness is slippin' away. Th' failure iv th'
+gover'mint to provide a well-equipped, thurly pathriotic ar-rmy iv Boers
+to carry on this war undher th' leadership iv gallant Joobert is
+goin' to be our roonation. We ar-re bethrayed be a lazy, effete,
+side-whiskered, golf-playin' gover'mint that wud rather lose this fight
+thin win it because they ar-re tired iv holdin' office. What can be said
+f'r public men so lost to shame that they spell Kopje with a "c"
+an' ar-re sindin' Englishmen to th' ends iv th' wurruld to fight f'r
+England? Down with thim!'"
+
+"Well sir, 'tis a gr-reat thing f'r a counthry to have th' likes iv thim
+ar-round to direct manoovers that'd be gatherin' dust on th' shelf if
+th' gin'rals had their say, an' to prove to th' wurruld that th' English
+ar-re not frivolous, excitable people like us an' th' Frinch, but can
+take a batin' without losin' their heads."
+
+"Sure," said Mr. Hennessy, "tis not thim that does th' fightin'. Th'
+la-ads with th' guns has that job."
+
+"Well," said Mr. Dooley, "they'se two kinds iv fightin'. Th' experts
+wants th' ar-rmy to get into Pretoria dead or alive, an' th' sojers
+wants to get in alive. I'm no military expert, Hinnissy. I'm too well
+known. But I have me own opinyon on th' war. All this talk about th'
+rapid fire gun an' modhren methods iv warfare makes me wondher. They'se
+not so much diff'rence between war now an' war whin I was a kid, as they
+let on. Th' gun that shoots ye best fr'm a distance don't shoot ye so
+well close to. A pile iv mud is a pile iv mud now just th' same as it
+was whin Gin'ral Grant was pokin' ar-round. If th' British can get over
+th' mud pile they win th' fight. If they can't they're done. That's all
+they'se to it. Mos' men, sthrongest backs, best eyes an' th' ownership
+iv th' mud piles. That's war, Hinnissy. Th' British have th' men.
+They're shy iv backs, eyes an' mud piles, an' they will be until they
+larn that sheep-herdin' an' gin'ralship ar-re diff'rent things, an' fill
+up their ar-rmy with men that ar-re not fightin' f'r money or glory, but
+because they want to get home to their wives alive."
+
+"Ye talk like an' ol book," said Mr. Hennessy, in disgust. "Ye with
+ye-re maundhrin' ar-re no betther thin thim expert la-ads."
+
+"Well annyhow," said Mr. Dooley thoughtfully, "th' expert is sarvin' a
+useful purpose. Th' papers says th' rapid fire gun'll make war in th'
+future impossible. I don't think that, but I know th' expert will."
+
+
+
+
+MODERN EXPLOSIVES
+
+
+"If iver I wanted to go to war," said Mr. Dooley, "an' I niver did, th'
+desire has passed fr'm me iv late. Ivry time I read iv th' desthructive
+power iv modhern explosives col' chills chase each other up an' down me
+spine."
+
+"What's this here stuff they calls lyddite?" Mr. Hennessy asked.
+
+"Well, 'tis th' divvle's own med'cine," said Mr. Dooley. "Compared with
+lyddite joynt powdher is Mrs. Winslow's soothin' surup, an' ye cud lave
+th' childher play base-ball with a can iv dinnymite. 'Tis as sthrong as
+Gin'ral Crownjoy's camp th' day iv th' surrinder an' almost as sthrong
+as th' pollytics iv Montana. Th' men that handles it is cased in six
+inch armor an' played on be a hose iv ice wather. Th' gun that shoots
+it is always blown up be th' discharge. Whin this deadly missile flies
+through th' air, th' threes ar-re withered an' th' little bur-rds falls
+dead fr'm th' sky, fishes is kilt in th' rivers, an' th' tillyphone
+wires won't wurruk. Th' keen eyed British gunners an' corryspondints
+watches it in its hellish course an' tur-rn their faces as it falls into
+th' Boer trench. An' oh! th' sickly green fumes it gives off, jus' like
+pizen f'r potato bugs! There is a thremenjous explosion. Th' earth is
+thrown up f'r miles. Horses, men an' gun carredges ar-re landed in th'
+British camp whole. Th' sun is obscured be Boer whiskers turned green.
+Th' heart iv th' corryspondint is made sick be th' sight, an' be th'
+thought iv th' fearful carnage wrought be this dhread desthroyer in th'
+ranks iv th' brave but misguided Dutchmen. Th' nex' day deserters fr'm
+th' Boer ranks reports that they have fled fr'm th' camp, needin' a
+dhrink an' onable to stand th' scenes iv horror. They announce that th'
+whole Boer ar-rmy is as green as wall paper, an' th' Irish brigade has
+sthruck because ye can't tell their flag fr'm th' flag iv th' r-rest iv
+th' Dutch. Th' Fr-rinch gin'ral in command iv th' Swedish corps lost
+his complexion an' has been sint to th' hospital, an' Mrs. Gin'ral
+Crownjoy's washin' that was hangin' on th' line whin th' bombardmint
+comminced is a total wreck which no amount iv bluin' will save. Th'
+deserters also report that manny iv th' Boers ar-re outspannin',
+trekkin', loogerin', kopjein' an' veldtin' home to be dyed, f'r'tis not
+known whether lyddite is a fast color or will come out in th' wash."
+
+"In spite iv their heavy losses th' Boers kept up a fierce fire. They
+had no lyddite, but with their other divvlish modhern explosives they
+wrought thremenjous damage. F'r some hours shells burst with turr'ble
+precision in th' British camp. Wan man who was good at figures counted
+as manny as forty-two thousan' eight hundhred an' sivin burstin' within
+a radyus iv wan fut. Ye can imagine th' hor-rible carnage. Colonel C. G.
+F. K. L. M. N. O. P. Hetherington-Casey-Higgins lost his eye-glass
+tin times, th' las' time almost swallowin' it, while ye'er faithful
+corryspondint was rindered deaf be th' explosions. Another Irish
+rig'mint has disappearded, th' Twelve Thousandth an' Eighth, Dublin
+Fusiliers. Brave fellows, 'tis suspicted they mistook th' explosion of
+lyddite f'r a Pathrick's Day procession an' wint acrost to take a look
+at it."
+
+"Murdher, but 'tis dhreadful to r-read about. We have to change all our
+conciptions iv warfare. Wanst th' field was r-red, now 'tis a br-right
+lyddite green. Wanst a man wint out an' died f'r his counthry, now they
+sind him out an' lyddite dyes him. What do I mane? 'Tis a joke I made.
+I'll not explane it to ye. Ye wudden't undherstand it. 'Tis f'r th'
+eddycated classes."
+
+"How they're iver goin' to get men to fight afther this I cudden't tell
+ye. 'Twas bad enough in th' ol' days whin all that happened to a sojer
+was bein' pinithrated be a large r-round gob iv solder or stuck up on
+th' end iv a baynit be a careless inimy. But now-a-days, they have th'
+bullet that whin it enthers ye tur-rns ar-round like th' screw iv a
+propeller, an' another wan that ye might say goes in be a key-hole an'
+comes out through a window, an' another that has a time fuse in it
+an' it doesn't come out at all but stays in ye, an' mebbe twinty years
+afther, whin ye've f'rgot all about it an' ar-re settin' at home with
+ye'er fam'ly, bang! away it goes an' ye with it, carryin' off half iv
+th' roof. Thin they have guns as long as fr'm here to th' rollin' mills
+that fires shells as big as a thrunk. Th' shells are loaded like a
+docthor's bag an' have all kinds iv things in thim that won't do a bit
+iv good to man or beast. If a sojer has a weak back there's something
+in th' shell that removes a weak back; if his head throubles him, he can
+lose it; if th' odher iv vilets is distasteful to him th' shell smothers
+him in vilet powdher. They have guns that anny boy or girl who knows th'
+typewriter can wurruk, an' they have other guns on th' music box plan,
+that ye wind up an' go away an' lave, an' they annoy anny wan that comes
+along. They have guns that bounces up out iv a hole in th' groun', fires
+a millyon shells a minyit an' dhrops back f'r another load. They have
+guns that fire dinnymite an' guns that fire th' hateful, sickly green
+lyddite that makes th' inimy look like fiat money, an' guns that fire
+canned beef f'r th' inimy an' distimper powdher for th' inimy's horses.
+An' they have some guns that shoot straight."
+
+"Well, thin," Mr. Hennessy grumbled, "it's a wondher to me that with all
+thim things they ain't more people kilt. Sure, Gin'ral Grant lost more
+men in wan day thin th' British have lost in four months, an' all he had
+to keep tab on was ol' fashioned bullets an' big, bouncin' iron balls."
+
+"Thrue," said Mr. Dooley. "I don't know th' reason, but it mus' be that
+th' betther gun a man has th' more he thrusts th' gun an' th' less he
+thrusts himsilf. He stays away an' shoots. He says to himsilf, he says:
+'They'se nawthin' f'r me to do,' he says, 'but load up me little lyddite
+cannon with th' green goods,' he says, 'an' set here at the organ,'
+he says, 'pull out th' stops an' paint th' town iv Pretoria green,' he
+says. 'But,' he says, 'on sicond thought, suppose th' inimy shud hand it
+back to me,' he says. 'Twud be oncomfortable,' he says. 'So,' he says,
+'I'll jus' move me music back a mile,' he says, 'an' peg away, an' th'
+longest gun takes th' persimmons,' he says. 'Tis this way: If ye an' I
+fall out an' take rifles to each other, 'tis tin to wan nayether iv us
+gets clost enough to hit. If we take pistols th' odds is rayjooced. If
+we take swords I may get a hack at ye, but if we take a half-nelson lock
+'tis even money I have ye'er back broke befure th' polis comes."
+
+"I can see in me mind th' day whin explosives'll be so explosive an'
+guns'll shoot so far that on'y th' folks that stay at home'll be kilt,
+an' life insurance agents'll be advisin' people to go into th' ar-rmy. I
+can so. 'Tis thrue what Hogan says about it."
+
+"What's that?" Mr. Hennessy asked.
+
+"Th' nation," said Mr. Dooley, "that fights with a couplin' pin extinds
+its bordhers at th' cost iv th' nation that fights with a clothes pole."
+
+"Well, sir," said Mr. Dooley, "tis a fine rayciption th' Boer dillygates
+is havin' in this counthry."
+
+"They'll be out here nex' week," said Mr. Hennessy.
+
+"They will that," Mr. Dooley replied, "an' we'll show thim that
+our inthrest in small raypublics fightin' f'r their liberty ain't
+disappeared since we become an impeeryal nation. No, sir. We have as
+much inthrest as iver, but we have more inthrests elsewhere."
+
+"Oom Paul, he says to th' la-ads: 'Go,' he says, 'to me good an' great
+frind, Mack th' Wanst, an' lay th' case befure him,' he says. 'Tell
+him,' he says, 'that th' situation is just th' same as it was durin'
+Wash'nton's time,' he says, 'on'y Wash'nton won, an' we're rapidly
+losin' kopjes till we soon won't have wan to sthrike a match on,' he
+says. An' off goes th' good men. Whin they started the Boers was doin'
+pretty well, Hinnissy. They were fightin' Englishmen, an' that's a lawn
+tinnis to a rale fightin' man. But afther awhile the murdherin' English
+gover'mint put in a few recreent but gallant la-ads fr'm th' ol'
+dart--we ought to be proud iv thim, curse thim--Pat O'Roberts, an' Mike
+McKitchener, an' Terrence O'Fr-rinch--an' they give th' view--halloo
+an' wint through th' Dutch like a party comin' home fr'm a fifteenth
+iv August picnic might go through a singerbund. So be th' time th'
+dillygates got to Europe it was: 'James, if thim br-rave but misguided
+Dutch appears, squirt th' garden hose on thim. I'll see th' British
+embassadure this afthernoon.' Ye see, Hinnissy, 'twas ol' Kruger's play
+to keep on winnin' battles till th' dillygates had their say. Th'
+amount iv sympathy that goes out f'r a sthrugglin' people is reg'lated,
+Hinnissy, be th' amount iv sthrugglin' th' people can do. Th' wurruld,
+me la-ad, is with th' undher dog on'y as long as he has a good hold an'
+a chanst to tur-rn over."
+
+"Well, sir, whin th' dillygates see they cudden't do business in Europe,
+says they to thimsilves: 'We'll pike acrost th' ragin' sea,' they says,
+'an in th' home iv Wash'nton, Lincoln, an' Willum J. Bryan, ye bet we'll
+have a hearin',' an' they got wan. Ivrybody's listenin' to thim. But no
+wan replies. If they'd come here three months ago, befure Crownjoy was
+suffocated out iv his hole in th' groun', they'd be smokin' their pipes
+in rockin' chairs on th' veranda iv th' white house an' passin' th'
+bucket between thim an' Mack. But 'tis diff'rent now. 'Tis diff'rent
+now. Says Willum J. Bryan: 'I can't see thim mesilf, f'r it may not be
+long befure I'll have to dale with these inthricate problems, I hope
+an' pray, but Congressman Squirtwather, do ye disguise ye'ersilf as a
+private citizen an' go down to th' hotel an' tell these la-ads that
+I'm with thim quietly if public opinyon justifies it an' Mack takes
+th' other side. Tell thim I frequently say to mesilf that they're all
+r-right, but I wudden't want it to go further. Perhaps they cud be
+injooced to speak at a dimmycratic meetin' unbeknown to me,' he says.
+
+"Sicrety Hay meets thim in a coal cellar, wearin' a mask. 'Gintlemen,'
+says he, 'I can assure ye th' prisidint an' mesilf feels mos' deeply f'r
+ye. I needn't tell ye about mesilf,' he says. 'Haven't I sint me own son
+into ye'er accursed but liberty-lovin' counthry,' he says. 'As f'r Mack,
+I assure ye he's hear-rtbroken over th' tur-rn affairs have taken,' he
+says. 'Early in th' war he wrote to Lord Salisberry, sayin' he hoped
+'twud not be continyued to iliction day, an' Salisberry give him a gruff
+response. Tur-rned him down, though both ar-re Anglo-Saxons,' he says.
+'Las' night his sobs fairly shook th' white house as he thought iv ye
+an' ye'er sthruggle. He wants to tell ye how much he thinks iv ye, an'
+he'll meet ye in th' carredge house if ye'll shave off ye'er whiskers
+an' go as clam-peddlers. Ye'll reco'nize him in a green livery. He'll
+wear a pink carnation in his buttonhole. Give th' names iv Dorsey an'
+Flannagan, an' if th' English ambassadure goes by get down on ye'er
+ban's an' knees an' don't make a sign till he's out iv sight,' he says.
+'Th' stout party in blue near by'll be Mark Hanna. He may be able to
+arrange a raypublican meetin' f'r ye to addhress,' he says. 'The gr-reat
+hear-rt iv th' raypublican party throbs f'r ye. So does Mack's,' he
+says. 'So does mine,' he says."
+
+"Well, th' dillygates met Mack an' they had a pleasant chat. 'Will ye,'
+says they, 'inthervene an' whistle off th' dogs iv war?' they says.
+'Whisper,' says Mack, th' tears flowin' down his cheeks. 'Iver since
+this war started me eyes have been fixed on th' gallant or otherwise,
+nation or depindancy, fightin' its brave battle f'r freedom or rebellin'
+again' th' sov'reign power, as the case may be,' he says. 'Unofficially,
+my sympathy has gone out to ye, an' bur-rnin' wurruds iv unofficial
+cheer has been communicated unofficially be me to me official fam'ly,
+not, mind ye, as an official iv this magnificent an' liberty-lovin'
+raypublic, but as a private citizen,' he says. 'I feel, as a private
+citizen, that so long,' he says, 'as the br-right star iv liberty shines
+resplindent over our common counthries, with th' example iv Washin'ton
+in ye'er eyes, an' th' iliction comin' on, that ye must go forward an'
+conker or die,' he says. 'An',' he says, 'Willum McKinley is not th' man
+to put annything in ye'er way,' he says. 'Go back to me gr-reat an' good
+frind an' tell him that th' hear-rt iv th' raypublican party throbs
+f'r him,' he says. 'An' Sicrety Hay's,' he says, 'an' mine,' he says,
+'unofficially,' he says. 'Me official hear-rt,' he says, 'is not
+permitted be th' constitootion to throb durin' wurrukin' hours,' he
+says.
+
+"An' so it goes. Ivrywhere th' dillygates tur-rns they see th' sign:
+'This is me busy day.' An' whin they get back home they can tell
+th' people they found th' United States exudin' sympathy at ivry
+pore--'marked private.'"
+
+"Don't ye think th' United States is enthusyastic f'r th' Boers?" asked
+the innocent Hennessy.
+
+"It was," said Mr. Dooley. "But in th' las' few weeks it's had so manny
+things to think iv. Th' enthusyasm iv this counthry, Hinnissy, always
+makes me think iv a bonfire on an ice-floe. It burns bright so long as
+ye feed it, an' it looks good, but it don't take hold, somehow, on th'
+ice."
+
+
+
+
+THE CHINESE SITUATION
+
+
+"Well, sir," said Mr. Hennessy, "to think iv th' audacity iv thim
+Chinymen! It do bate all."
+
+"It do that," said Mr. Dooley. "It bates th' wurruld. An' what's it
+comin' to? You an' me looks at a Chinyman as though he wasn't good f'r
+annything but washin' shirts, an' not very good at that. Tis wan iv th'
+spoorts iv th' youth iv our gr-reat cities to rowl an impty beer keg
+down th' steps iv a Chinee laundhry, an' if e'er a Chinyman come out
+to resint it they'd take him be th' pigtail an' do th' joynt swing with
+him. But th' Chinyman at home's a diff'rent la-ad. He's with his frinds
+an' they're manny iv thim an' he's rowlin' th' beer kegs himsilf
+an' Westhren Civilization is down in th' laundhry wondhrin' whin th'
+police'll come along."
+
+"Th' Lord f'rgive f'r sayin' it, Hinnissy, but if I was a Chinyman,
+which I will fight anny man f'r sayin,' an' was livin' at home, I'd tuck
+me shirt into me pants, put me braid up in a net, an' go out an' take
+a fall out iv th' in-vader if it cost me me life. Here am I, Hop Lung
+Dooley, r-runnin' me little liquor store an' p'rhaps raisin' a family in
+th' town iv Koochoo. I don't like foreigners there anny more thin I do
+here. Along comes a bald-headed man with chin whiskers from Baraboo,
+Wisconsin, an' says he: 'Benighted an' haythen Dooley,' says he, 'ye
+have no God,' he says. 'I have,' says I. 'I have a lot iv thim,' says I.
+'Ye ar-re an oncultivated an' foul crather,' he says. 'I have come six
+thousan' miles f'r to hist ye fr'm th' mire iv ignorance an' irrellijon
+in which ye live to th' lofty plane iv Baraboo,' he says. An' he sets
+down on an aisy chair, an' his wife an' her friends come in an' they
+inthrojooce Mrs. Dooley to th' modhren improvements iv th' corset an'
+th' hat with th' blue bur-rd onto it, an' put shame into her because she
+hasn't let her feet grow, while th' head mission'ry reads me a pome out
+iv th' _Northwesthren Christyan Advocate_. 'Well,' says I, 'look here,
+me good fellow,' I says. 'Me an' me people has occypied these here
+primises f'r manny years,' I says, 'an' here we mean to stay,' I says.
+'We're doin' th' best we can in th' matther iv gods,' says I. 'We have
+thim cast at a first-rate foundhry,' I says, 'an' we sandpa-aper thim
+ivry week,' says I. 'As f'r knowin' things,' I says, 'me people wrote
+pomes with a markin' brush whin th' likes iv ye was r-runnin' ar-round
+wearin' a short pelisse iv sheepskins an' batin' each other to death
+with stone hammers,' says I. An' I'm f'r firin' him out, but bein' a
+quite man I lave him stay."
+
+"Th' nex' day in comes a man with a suit iv clothes that looks like a
+tablecloth in a section house, an' says he: 'Poor ignorant haythen,' he
+says, 'what manner iv food d'ye ate?' he says. 'Rice,' says I, 'an' rats
+is me fav'rite dish,' I says. 'Deluded wretch,' says he. 'I riprisint
+Armour an' Company, an' I'm here to make ye change ye'er dite,' he says.
+'Hinceforth ye'll ate th' canned roast beef iv merry ol' stock yards or
+I'll have a file iv sojers in to fill ye full iv ondygistible lead,'
+he says. An' afther him comes th' man with Aunt Miranda's Pan Cakes
+an' Flaked Bran an' Ye'll-perish-if-ye-don't-eat-a-biscuit an' other
+riprisintatives iv Westhern Civilization, an' I'm to be shot if I don't
+take thim all."
+
+"Thin a la-ad runs down with a chain an' a small glass on three sticks
+an' a gang iv section men that answers to th' name iv Casey, an'
+pro-ceeds f'r to put down a railroad. 'What's this f'r?' says I. 'We
+ar-re th' advance guard iv Westhren Civilization,' he says, 'an we're
+goin' to give ye a railroad so ye can go swiftly to places that ye don't
+want to see,' he says. 'A counthry that has no railroads is beneath
+contimpt,' he says. 'Casey,' he says,'sthretch th' chain acrost yon
+graveyard,' he says. 'I aim f'r to put th' thrack just befure that large
+tombstone marked Riquiescat in Pace, James H. Chung-a-lung,' he says.
+'But,' says I, 'ye will disturb pah's bones,' says I, 'if ye go to
+layin' ties,' I says. 'Ye'll be mixin' up me ol' man with th' Cassidy's
+in th' nex' lot that,' I says, 'he niver spoke to save in anger in his
+life,' I says. 'Ye're an ancestor worshiper, heathen,' says the la-ad,
+an' he goes on to tamp th' mounds in th' cimitry an ballast th' thrack
+with th' remains iv th' deceased. An' afther he's got through along
+comes a Fr-rinchman, an' an Englishman, an' a Rooshan, an' a Dutchman,
+an' says wan iv them: 'This is a comfortable lookin' saloon,' he says.
+'I'll take th' bar, ye take th' ice-box an' th' r-rest iv th' fixtures.'
+'What f'r?' says I. 'I've paid th' rent an' th' license,' says I. 'Niver
+mind,' says he. 'We're th' riprisintatives iv Westhren Civilization,'
+he says, 'an' 'tis th' business iv Westhren Civilization to cut up th'
+belongings iv Easthren Civilization,' he says. 'Be off,' he says, 'or
+I'll pull ye'er hair,' he says. 'Well,' says I, 'this thing has gone
+far enough,' I says. 'I've heerd me good ol' cast-iron gods or josses
+abused,' I says, 'an' I've been packed full iv canned goods, an' th'
+Peking Lightnin' Express is r-runnin' sthraight through th' lot where
+th' bones iv me ancesthors lies,' I says. 'I've shtud it all,' I says,
+'but whin ye come here to bounce me off iv me own primises,' I says,
+'I'll have to take th' leg iv th' chair to ye,' I says. An' we're to th'
+flure."
+
+"That's th' way it stands in Chiny, Hinnissy, an' it looks to me as
+though Westhren Civilization was in f'r a bump. I mind wanst whin a
+dhrunk prize fighter come up th' r-road and wint to sleep on Slavin's
+steps. Some iv th' good sthrong la-ads happened along an' they were near
+bein' at blows over who shud have his watch an' who shud take his hat.
+While they were debatin' he woke up an' begin cuttin' loose with hands
+an' feet, an' whin he got through he made a collection iv th' things
+they dhropped in escapin' an' marched ca'mly down th' sthreet. Mebbe
+'twill tur-rn out so in Chiny, Hinnissy. I see be th' pa-apers that
+they'se four hundherd millyons iv thim boys an' be hivins! 'twuddent
+surprise me if whin they got through batin' us at home, they might say
+to thimsilves: 'Well, here goes f'r a jaunt ar-roun' the wurruld.' Th'
+time may come, Hinnissey, whin ye'll be squirtin' wather over Hop Lee's
+shirt while a man named Chow Fung kicks down ye'er sign an' heaves rocks
+through ye'er windy. The time may come, Hinnissy. Who knows?"
+
+"End ye'er blather," said Mr. Hennessy. "They won't be anny Chinymen
+left whin Imp'ror Willum gets through."
+
+"Mebbe not," says Mr. Dooley. "He's a sthrong man. But th' Chinymen have
+been on earth a long time, an' I don't see how we can push so manny iv
+thim off iv it. Annyhow, 'tis a good thing f'r us they ain't Christyans
+an' haven't larned properly to sight a gun."
+
+
+
+
+MINISTER WU
+
+
+"Well, sir, me little Chinee frind Woo must be havin' th' time iv his
+life in Wash'nton these warm days," said Mr. Dooley.
+
+"Who's he?" asked Mr. Hennessy.
+
+"He's th' Chinee ministher," said Mr. Dooley, "an' his business is f'r
+to supply fresh hand-laundhried misinformation to the sicrety iv state.
+Th' sicrety iv state is settin' in his office feelin' blue because
+he's just heerd be a specyal corryspondint iv th' London Daily Pail at
+Sydney, Austhreelya, who had it fr'm a slatewriter in Duluth that an
+ar-rmy iv four hundherd an' eight thousan' millyon an' sivinty-five
+bloodthirsty Chinee, ar-rmed with flatirnes an' cryin', 'Bung Loo!'
+which means, Hinnissy, 'Kill th' foreign divvles, dhrive out th'
+missionries, an' set up in Chiny a gover'mint f'r the Chinee,' is
+marchin' on Vladivostook in Siberyia, not far fr'm Tinsin."
+
+A knock comes at th' dure an' Woo enthers. 'Well,' says he, with a happy
+smile, ''tis all right.' 'What's all right?' says the sicrety iv state.
+'Ivrything,' says Woo. 'I have just found a letter sewed in a shirt fr'm
+me frind Lie Much, th' viceroy iv Bumbang. It is dated th' fourth hour
+iv th' third day iv th' eighth or green-cheese moon,' he says. 'What day
+is that?' says the sicrety iv state. 'It's Choosdah, th' fourth iv July;
+Winsdah, th' eighth iv October, an' Thursdah, the sivinteenth iv March,'
+he says. 'Pathrick's day,' says th' sicrety iv state. 'Thrue f'r ye,'
+says Woo. 'What year?' says Jawn Hay. 'The year iv th' big wind,' says
+Woo. 'Good,' says John Hay, 'proceed with ye'er story.' 'Here's th'
+letther,' says Woo. 'I know 'tis genooyine because it is an ol' dhress
+patthern used be th' impress. It says: 'Oscar Woo, care iv himsilf,
+annywhere: Dear Woo, brother iv th' moon, uncle iv th' sun, an' roommate
+iv th' stars, dear sir: Yours iv th' eighth day iv th' property moon
+rayceived out iv th' air yesterdah afthernoon or to-morrow, an' was glad
+to note ye ar-re feelin' well. Ivrything over here is th' same ol'
+pair iv boots. Nawthin' doin'. Peking is as quiet as th' gr-rave. Her
+majesty, th' impress, is sufferin' slightly fr'm death be poison, but is
+still able to do th' cookin' f'r the Rooshan ambassadure. Th' impror was
+beheaded las' week an' feels so much betther f'r the op'ration that he
+expicts to be quarthered nex' Sundah. He's always wanted to rayjooce his
+weight. Some iv th' Boxers called on th' foreigners at Tinsin las' week
+an' met a warrum rayciption. Th' foreigners aftherward paid a visit to
+thim through a hole in th' wall, an' a jolly day concluded with a foot
+race, at which our people are becomin' expert. Some iv th' boys expicts
+to come up to Peking nex' week, an' th' people along th' line iv th'
+railroad are gettin' ready f'r thim. This is really all the news I have,
+excipt that cherries ar-re ripe. Me pin is poor, me ink is dhry, me love
+f'r you can niver die. Give me regards to Sicrety Hay whin he wakes up.
+I remain, illusthrus cousin iv th' risin' dawn, thruly ye'ers, Li.
+
+P. S.--If ye need anny more information take a longer dhraw.'
+
+"'That,' says Woo, 'is wan way iv r-readin' it. Read upside down it says
+that the impress has become a Swedenboorjan. I will r-read it standin'
+on me head whin I get home where I can pin down me overskirt; thin I'll
+r-read it in a lookin' glass; thin I'll saw it into sthrips an' r-run
+it through a wringer an' lave it stand in a tub iv bluein', an' whin its
+properly starched I'll find out what it says. Fin'lly I'll cut it into
+small pieces an' cook with rice an' lave it to rest in a cool place, an'
+thin 'twill r-read even betther. I hope ye're satisfied,' he says.
+'I am,' says Jawn Hay. 'I'll tillygraft to Mark that ivrything is all
+r-right,' he says, 'an' that our relations with his majesty or her
+majesty or their Boxerships or th' Down-with-th'-foreign-divvlers or
+whoiver's runnin' th' shop over beyant are as they ought to be or worse
+or betther, as th' case may be,' he says. 'Good,' says Woo, 'ye're a man
+afther me own heart,' he says. 'I'll sind ye a little book wrote be a
+frind iv mine in Peking,' he says. ''Tis called "Heart to Heart Lies
+I Have Had," he says. 'Ye'll like it,' he says. 'In the manetime,' he
+says, 'I must write a secret message to go out be to-night's hot-air
+express to me corryspondint in Meriden, Connecticut, urgin' him to sind
+more im-peeryal edicks iv a fav'r-able nature,' he says. 'I've on'y had
+twinty so far, an' I'm gettin' scrivener's palsy,' he says. 'But befure
+I go,' he says, 'I bet ye eight millyon yens, or three dollars an'
+eighty-four cints iv ye'er money, that ye can't pick out th' shell this
+here pea is undher,' he says. An' they set down to a game iv what is
+known at Peking as diplomacy, Hinnissy, but on Randolph sthreet viadock
+is called the double dirty."
+
+"I don't believe wan wurrud iv what's in th' pa-apers about Chiny," said
+Mr. Hennessy.
+
+"Well," said Mr. Dooley, "if ye believe annything ye'll believe
+ivrything. 'Tis a grand contist that's goin' on between Westhren an'
+Easthren civilliezation. 'Tis a joke iv me own, Hinnissy, an'
+ye'd undherstand it if ye knew spellin. Th' Westhren civilization,
+Hinnissy--that's us--is a pretty good liar, but he's a kind iv
+rough-an'-tumble at it. He goes in head down, an' ivry lie he tells
+looks like all th' others. Ye niver see an Englishman that had anny
+judgment in lyin'. Th' corryspondint iv th' Daily Pail is out iv his
+class. He's carryin' lies to Lieville. How in th' wurruld can we compete
+with a counthry where ivry lab'rer's cottage projooces lies so delicate
+that th' workmen iv th' West can't undherstand thim? We make our lies be
+machinery; they tur-rn out theirs be hand. They imitate th' best iv our
+canned lies to deceive people that likes that kind, but f'r artists they
+have lies that appeals to a more refined taste. Sure I'd like to live
+among thim an' find out th' kind iv bouncers they tell each other. They
+must be gr-rand. I on'y know their export lies now--th' surplus lies
+they can't use at home. An' th' kind they sind out ar-re betther thin
+our best. Our lies is no more thin a conthradiction iv th' thruth; their
+lies appeals to th' since iv honesty iv anny civilized man."
+
+"They can't hurt us with their lies," said Mr. Hennessy of our Western
+civilization. "We have th' guns an' we'll bate thim yet."
+
+"Yes," said Mr. Dooley, "an' 'twill be like a man who's had his house
+desthroyed be a cyclone gettin' up an' kickin' at th' air."
+
+
+
+
+THE FUTURE OF CHINA
+
+
+"Be th' time th' Chinese gets through with this here job o' theirs,"
+said Mr. Dooley, "they'll know a thing or two about good manners an'
+Christyan idees."
+
+"They need thim," said Mr. Hennessy.
+
+"They do so," said Mr. Dooley. "An' they'll get thim. By an' by th'
+allied foorces will proceed to Peking. It may not be in ye'er life time
+or in mine, or in th' life time iv th' ministhers, Hinnissy. They ar-re
+in no hurry. Th' ministhers ar-re as comfortable as they can be on a
+dite iv polo ponies an' bamboo, an' they have exercise enough dodgin'
+cannon balls to have no fear iv indygisthion. They'se no need of haste.
+Th' allied foorces must take no step forward while wan ar-rmed foe
+survives. It was rayported last week that th' advance had begun, but on
+sindin' out scouts 'twas discovered that th' asphalt road to th' capital
+was not r-ready an' th' gallant sojer boys was afraid to risk their
+beecycles on a defictive pavement. Thin th' parlor cars ordhered be th'
+Rooshan admiral has not arrived an' wan iv th' Frinch gin'rals lost an
+omelette, or whativer 'tis they wear on their shouldhers, an' he won't
+budge till it can be replaced fr'm Pahrs. A sthrong corps iv miners an'
+sappers has gone ahead f'r to lo-cate good resthrants on th' line iv
+march, but th' weather is cloudy an' th' silk umbrellys haven't
+arrived, an' they'se supposed to be four hundhred millyon Chiny-men with
+pinwheels an' Roman candles blockin' th' way, so th' advance has been
+postponed indifinitely. Th' American foorces is r-ready f'r to start
+immejately, but they ar-re not there yet. Th' British gin'ral is waitin'
+f'r th' Victorya cross befure he does annything, an' th' Japanese an'
+th' Rooshan is dancin' up an' down sayin' 'Afther you, me boy.'"
+
+"But afther awhile, whin th' frost is on th' pumpkin an' th' corn is in
+th' shock, whin th' roads has been repaired, an' ivry gin'ral's lookin'
+his best, an' in no danger iv a cold on th' chist, they'll prance away.
+An' whin they get to th' city iv Peking a fine cillybration is planned
+be th' mission'ries. I see th' programme in th' pa-aper: First day,
+10 A.M., prayers be th' allied mission'ries; 1 P.M., massacree iv the
+impress an' rile fam'ly; sicond day, 10 A.M., scatthrin' iv remains
+iv former kings; 11 A.M., disecration iv graves gin'rally; 2 P.M.,
+massacree iv all gin'rals an' coort officials; third day, 12 noon,
+burnin' iv Peking; foorth day, gran' pop'lar massacree an' division iv
+territ'ry, th' cillybration to close with a rough-an'-tumble fight among
+th' allies."
+
+"'Twill be a gr-reat occasion, Hinnissy, an' be-dad I'd like to be
+there to see it. Ye can't go too sthrong again' th' Chinee. Me frind th'
+impror iv Germany put it right. 'Brave boys,' says he, 'ye ar-re goin'
+out now,' he says, 'f'r to carry th' light iv Christyanity,' he says,
+'an' th' teachin's iv th' German Michael,' he says, 'to th' benighted
+haythen beyant,' he says. 'Me an' Mike is watchin' ye' he says, 'an' we
+ixpict ye to do ye'er duty,' he says. 'Through you,' he says, 'I propose
+to smash th' vile Chinee with me mailed fist,' he says. 'This is no
+six-ounce glove fight, but demands a lunch-hook done up in eight-inch
+armor plate,' he says. 'Whin ye get among th' Chinee,' he says,
+'raymimber that ye ar-re the van guard iv Christyanity,' he says, 'an'
+stick ye'er baynet through ivry hated infidel ye see,' he says. 'Lave
+thim undherstand what our westhren civilization means,' he says, 'an'
+prod thim good an' hard,' he says. 'Open their heads with ye'er good
+German swords to Eu-ropyan culture an' refinement,' he says. 'Spare no
+man that wears a pigtail,' he says. 'An,' he says, 'me an' th' German
+Michael will smile on ye as ye kick th' linin' out iv th' dhragon an'
+plant on th' walls iv Peking th' banner,' he says, 'iv th' cross, an','
+he says, 'th' double cross,' he says. 'An' if be chance ye shud pick up
+a little land be th' way, don't lave e'er a Frinchman or Rooshan take
+it fr'm ye, or ye'll feel me specyal delivery hand on th' back iv ye'er
+neck in a way that'll do ye no kind iv good. Hock German Michael,' he
+says, 'hock me gran'father, hoch th' penny postage fist,' he says, 'hock
+mesilf,' he says. An th' German impror wint back to his bedroom f'r to
+wurruk on th' book he's goin' to br-ring out nex' year to take th' place
+iv th' bible.
+
+"He's th' boy f'r me money. Whin th' German throops takes their part
+in th' desthruction iv Peking they'll be none iv th' allied foorces 'll
+stick deeper or throw th' backbone iv th' impress' ol' father higher
+thin th' la-ads fr'm th' home iv th' sausage. I hope th' cillybration
+'ll occur on Chris'mas day. I'd like to hear th' sojers singin' 'Gawd
+r-rest ye, merry Chinnymen' as they punchered thim with a baynit."
+
+"'Twill be a good thing," said Mr. Hennessy.
+
+"It will that," said Mr. Dooley.
+
+"'Twill civilize th' Chinnymen," said Mr. Hennessy.
+
+"'Twill civilize thim stiff," said Mr. Dooley. "An' it may not be a bad
+thing f'r th' r-rest iv th' wurruld. Perhaps contack with th' Chinee may
+civlize th' Germans."
+
+
+
+
+PLATFORM MAKING
+
+
+"That sthrikes me as a gran' platform," said Mr. Hennessy. "I'm with it
+fr'm start to finish."
+
+"Sure ye are," said Mr. Dooley, "an' so ye'd be if it begun: 'We
+denounce Terence Hinnissy iv th' Sixth Ward iv Chicago as a thraitor
+to his country, an inimy iv civilization, an' a poor thing.' Ye'd say:
+'While there are wan or two things that might be omitted, th' platform
+as a whole is a statesmanlike docymint, an' wan that appeals to th'
+intelligince iv American manhood.' That's what ye'd say, an' that's what
+all th' likes iv ye'd say. An' whin iliction day comes 'round th' on'y
+question ye'll ast ye'ersilf is: 'Am I with Mack or am I with Billy
+Bryan?' An accordin'ly ye'll vote."
+
+"'Tis always th' same way, an' all platforms is alike. I mind wanst whin
+I was an alter-nate to th' county con-vintion--'twas whin I was a power
+in pollytics an' th' on'y man that cud do annything with th' Bohemian
+vote--I was settin' here wan night with a pen an' a pot iv ink befure
+me, thryin' to compose th' platform f'r th' nex' day, f'r I was a lithry
+man in a way, d'ye mind, an' I knew th' la-ads'd want a few crimps put
+in th' raypublicans in a ginteel style, an' 'd be sure to call on me f'r
+to do it. Well, I'd got as far down as th' tariff an' was thryin' f'r to
+express me opinyon without swearin', whin who shud come in but Lafferty,
+that was sicrety iv McMahon, that was th' Main Guy in thim days, but
+aftherward thrun down on account iv him mixin' up between th' Rorkes an'
+th' Dorseys. Th' Main Guy Down Town said he wudden't have no throuble
+in th' ward, an' he declared McMahon out. McMahon had too much money
+annyhow. If he'd kept on, dollar bills'd have been extinct outside iv
+his house. But he was a sthrong man in thim days an' much liked."
+
+"Anyhow, Lafferty, that was his sicrety, come in, an' says he: 'What are
+ye doin' there?' says he. 'Step soft,' says I; 'I am at wurruk,' I says.
+'Ye shudden't do lithry wurruk on an empty stomach,' says he. 'I do
+nawthin' on an empty stomach but eat,' says I. 'I've had me supper,' I
+says. 'Go 'way,' says I, 'till I finish th' platform,' I says. 'What's
+th' platform?' says he.'F'r th' county con-vintion,' says I.
+
+"Well, sir, he set down on a chair, an' I thought th' man was goin' to
+die right there on the premises with laughter. 'Whin ye get through
+with ye'er barkin',' says I, 'I'll throuble ye to tell me what ye may be
+doin' it f'r,' I says. 'I see nawthin' amusin' here but ye'er prisince,'
+I says, 'an' that's not a divvle iv a lot funnier than a wooden leg,'
+I says, f'r I was mad. Afther awhile he come to, an' says he: 'Ye
+don't raally think,' says he, 'that ye'll get a chanct to spring that
+platform,' he says. 'I do,' says I. 'Why,' he says, 'the platform has
+been adopted,' he says. 'Whin?' says I. 'Befure ye were born,' says he.
+'In th' reign iv Bildad th' first,' says he--he was a larned man, was
+Lafferty, though a dhrinkin' man. All sicreties iv pollyticians not in
+office is dhrinkin' men, Hinnissy. 'Ive got th' copy iv it here in me
+pocket,' he says. 'Th' boss give it to me to bring it up to date,' he
+says. 'They was no sthrike last year an' we've got to put a sthrike
+plank in th' platform or put th' prisident iv th' Lumber Shovers' union
+on th' county board, an',' he says, 'they ain't room,' he says.
+
+"'Why,' says Lafferty, 'ye ought to know th' histhry iv platforms,' he
+says. An' he give it to me, an' I'll give it to ye. Years ago, Hinnissy,
+manny years ago, they was a race between th' dimmycrats an' th'
+raypublicans f'r to see which shud have a choice iv principles. Th'
+dimmycrats lost. I dinnaw why. Mebbe they stopped to take a dhrink.
+Annyhow, they lost. Th' raypublicans come up an' they choose th' 'we
+commind' principles, an' they was nawthin' left f'r the dimmycrats but
+th' 'we denounce an' deplores.' I dinnaw how it come about, but th'
+dimmycrats didn't like th' way th' thing shtud, an' so they fixed it
+up between thim that whichiver won at th' iliction shud commind an'
+congratulate, an' thim that lost shud denounce an' deplore. An' so it's
+been, on'y the dimmycrats has had so little chanct f'r to do annything
+but denounce an' deplore that they've almost lost th' use iv th' other
+wurruds.
+
+"Mack sets back in Wash'nton an' writes a platform f'r th' comity on
+risolutions to compose th' week afther. He's got a good job--forty-nine
+ninety-two, sixty-six a month--an' 'tis up to him to feel good.
+'I--I mean we,' he says, 'congratulate th' counthry on th' matchless
+statesmanship, on-shrinkin' courage, steady devotion to duty an'
+principle iv that gallant an' hon'rable leader, mesilf,' he says to his
+sicrety. 'Take that,' he says, 'an' elaborate it,' he says. 'Ye'll find
+a ditchnry on th' shelf near the dure,' he says, 'if ye don't think I've
+put what I give ye sthrong enough,' he says. 'I always was,' he says,
+'too retirin' f'r me own good,' he says. 'Spin out th' r-rest,' he says,
+'to make about six thousan' wurruds,' he says, 'but be sure don't write
+annything too hot about th' Boer war or th' Ph'lippeens or Chiny, or
+th' tariff, or th' goold question, or our relations with England, or
+th' civil sarvice,' he says. 'Tis a foolish man,' he says,'that throws
+a hunk iv coal fr'm his own window at th' dhriver iv a brick wagon,' he
+says."
+
+"But with Billy Bryan 'tis diff'rent. He's out in Lincoln, Neebrasky,
+far fr'm home, an' he says to himsilf: 'Me throat is hoarse, an' I'll
+exercise me other fac'lties,' he says. 'I'll write a platform,' he says.
+An' he sets down to a typewriter, an' denounces an' deplores till th'
+hired man blows th' dinner horn. Whin he can denounce an' deplore no
+longer he views with alarm an' declares with indignation. An' he sinds
+it down to Kansas City, where th' cot beds come fr'm."
+
+"Oh, ye're always pitchin' into some wan," said Mr. Hennessy. "I bet ye
+Willum Jennings Bryan niver see th' platform befure it wint in. He's too
+good a man."
+
+"He is all iv that," said Mr. Dooley. "But ye bet he knows th' rale
+platform f'r him is: 'Look at th' bad breaks Mack's made,' an' Mack's
+platform is: 'Ye'd get worse if ye had Billy Bryan.' An' it depinds on
+whether most iv th' voters ar-re tired out or on'y a little tired who's
+ilicted. All excipt you, Hinnissy. Ye'll vote f'r Bryan?"
+
+"I will," said Mr. Hennessy.
+
+"Well," said Mr. Dooley, "d'ye know, I suspicted ye might."
+
+
+
+
+THE YACHT RACES
+
+
+"In th' ol' times whin I was a yachtsman--" began Mr. Dooley.
+
+"Scowman," said Mr. Hennessy.
+
+"Yachtsman," said Mr. Dooley. "Whin I was a yachtsman, all a man needed
+to race was a flat-bottomed boat, an umbrella, an' a long dhrink. In
+thim days 'twas 'Up with th' mainsail an' out with th' jib, an' Cap'n
+Jawn first to th' Lake View pumpin' station f'r th' see-gars.' Now 'tis
+'Ho, f'r a yacht race. Lave us go an' see our lawyers.' 'Tis 'Haul away
+on th' writ iv ne exeat,' an' 'Let go th' peak capias.' 'Tis 'Pipe all
+hands to th' Supreme Coort.' 'Tis 'A life on th' boundin' docket an' a
+home on th' rowlin' calendar.' Befure we die, Sir Lipton'll come over
+here f'r that Cup again an' we'll bate him be gettin' out an overnight
+injunction. What's th' use iv buildin' a boat that's lible to tip an'
+spill us all into th' wet? Turn th' matther over to th' firm iv Wiggins,
+Schultz, O'Mally, Eckstein, Wopoppski, Billotti, Gomez, Olson, an'
+McPherson, an' lave us have th' law on him."
+
+"I don't suppose, Hinnissy, I ought to be gettin' off me little jokes
+on a seeryous matther like this. What's it all about, says ye? Well, ye
+see, 'tis this way. Wanst befure th' war some la-ad fr'm this counthry
+took a boat acrost th' Atlantic an' run it again an English boat an' iv
+coorse, he won, not bein' tied to th' dock, an' they give him a Cup. I
+don't know why they give him a cup, but they give him a cup. He brought
+it back here an' handed it to a yacht club, which is an assocyation,
+Hinnissy, iv mimbers iv th' Bar. He says: 'Ye keep that cup on ye'er
+mantle-piece an' if e'er an Englishman wants it, don't ye give it to
+him.' Afther awhile, an Englishman that ownded a boat come afther th'
+cup, an 'twas lave go altogether, an' th' las' man to th' line knows
+what he is. He's an Englishman, iv coorse. That was all r-right too. But
+th' time come whin th' lagal pro-fission took a hand in th' game. 'Look
+here,' says they. 'Ye've vilated nearly all th' statues iv th' State
+iv Noo Jarsey already,' they says, 'an' if ye ain't careful, ye'll be
+hauled up f'r contimpt iv coort,' they says. So they took th' matther
+in hand an' dhrew up th' r-right pa-apers. 'State iv Noo York, county
+iv Cook, s. s. Know all men be these prisints. To all magisthrates an'
+polis officers, greetin.' In re Sir Lipton again th' Cup. Ordhered that
+if Sir Lipton shall secure said Cup fr'm aforesaid (which he won't) he
+must build a boat as follows: Wan hundherd an' twinty chest, fifty-four
+waist, hip an' side pockets, carryin' three hundherd an' sixty-three
+thousan' cubic feet iv canvas; th' basement iv th' boat to be papered in
+green with yellow flowered dado, open plumbin', steam heat throughout,
+th' tinant to pay f'r all repairs. Be means iv this infernal machine, if
+enable to kill off th' rile fam'ly, he will attimpt to cross th' stormy
+Atlantic, an' if successful, will arrive at th' risidince iv th' party
+of th' first part, said John Doe. Wanst there, he will consult with
+mimbers iv th' Noo York Bar Association, who will lead him to a firm iv
+competent expert accountants, who will give him his time, which is two
+minyits measured be th' invarse ratio iv th' distance fr'm th' binnacle
+to th' cook-stove, an' fr'm th' cook-stove, east be north to th'
+bowspirit. He will thin take his foolish boat down th' bay, an' if he
+keeps his health, he can rayturn to th' grocery business, f'r he's a
+jolly good fellow which nobody can deny.'
+
+"Ye can see this, Hinnissy, that yachtin' has become wan iv thl larned
+pro-fissions. 'Tis that that got th' la-ad fr'm Boston into it. They's a
+jolly Jack Tar f'r ye. In dhrawin' up a lease or framin' a bond, no
+more gallant sailor rides th' waves thin hearty Jack Larsen iv th'
+Amalgamated Copper Yacht Club. 'What ho?' says he. 'If we're goin' to
+have a race,' he says, 'shiver me timbers if I don't look up th' law,'
+he says. So he become a yachtsman. 'But,' says th' Noo York la-ads,
+thim that has th' Cup on their mantel-piece, 'Ye can race on'y on two
+conditions.' 'What ar-re they?' says Larsen. 'Th' first is that ye
+become a mimber iv our club.' 'With pleasure,' says he. 'Ye can't,' says
+they. 'An' havin' complied with this first condition, ye must give us
+ye'er boat,' says they. 'We don't want it,' they says. 'Th' terms suit
+me entirely,' says Cap. Larsen. 'I'm a simple sailor man an' I'll give
+ye me boat undher th' following conditions,' he says. 'First, that ye
+won't take it; second, that ye'll paint me name on th' side iv it in
+red letters, three feet high; third, that ye'll inthra-jooce me to th'
+Prince iv Wales; foorth, that I'll sail it mesilf. Nawthin',' he says,
+'wud give me gr-reater pleasure thin to have me handsome an' expinsive
+raft in th' hands iv men who I wud considher it an honor to know,' he
+says. 'An' so,' he says, 'I'll on'y ask ye to sign a bond an' lave a
+small security, say about five hundherd thousan' dollars, in me hands
+in case anny paint shud be knocked off me boat,' he says. 'Yachtin' is
+a gintleman's spoort,' he says, 'an' in dalin' with gintlemen,' he says,
+'ye can't be too careful,' he says."
+
+"What's Sir Lipton doin' all this time?" asked Mr. Hennessy.
+
+"He's preparin' his bond, makin' his will, an' goin' through th' other
+lagal preliminaries iv th' race. He's built a boat too. Th' King of
+England was aboord iv her, an' he was near killed, be havin' a mast
+fall on him. Th' Lord knows how he escaped. A mass iv steel weighin' a
+hundherd thousan' ton fell on his Majesty an' bounced off. Sir Lipton
+felt pretty bad about it. He didn't mind losin' a mast or two, but he
+didn't want annywan to know he had th' king aboord. 'Twud hurt business.
+'Boys,' says he to th' rayporthers, 'th' King's on me yacht. D'ye hear
+me? Th' King's on me yacht. But don't say annything about it. I don't
+want to have it known. Don't print it onless ye have to, an' thin put it
+in an inconspicuous place, like th' first page. He's here sure enough,
+boys. Th' mast just fell on his Majesty. It nearly kilt him. I'm not
+sure it didn't kill him. He remained perfectly cool throughout. So did
+I. I was almost cold. So did both iv us. But, mind not a wurrud iv this
+in th' pa-apers.' I don't know how th' rayporthers got hold iv it. But
+they're a pryin' lot."
+
+"How did th' mast come to fall?" asked Mr. Hennessy, eagerly. "D'ye
+suppose Sir Lipton is wan iv us?"
+
+"S-sh," said Mr. Dooley, adding, softly, "he was bor-rn in Limerick."
+
+
+
+
+POLYGAMY
+
+
+"How manny wives has this here man Roberts that's thryin' to break into
+Congress?" Mr. Dooley asked.
+
+"I dinnaw," said Mr. Hennessy; "I nivver heerd iv him."
+
+"I think it's three," said Mr. Dooley. "No wondher he needs wurruk an'
+is fightin' hard f'r th' job. I'm with him too, be hivens. Not that I'm
+be taste or inclination a marryin' man, Hinnissy. They may get me to
+th' altar some day. Th' best iv us falls, like Cousin George, an' there
+ar-re designin' women in this very block that I have me own throubles
+in dodgin'. But anny time ye hear iv me bein' dhrawn fr'm th' quite
+miseries an' exclusive discomforts iv single life ye may know that they
+have caught me asleep an' chloroformed me. It's thrue. But f'r thim that
+likes it, it's all r-right, an' if a man's done something in his youth
+that he has to do pinance f'r an' th' stations iv th' cross ain't
+sthrong enough, lave him, says I, marry as manny women as he wants an'
+live with them an' die contint. Th' Mormons thinks they ar-re commanded
+be the Lord f'r to marry all th' ineligeable Swede women. Now, I don't
+believe th' Lord iver commanded even a Mormon f'r to do annything
+so foolish, an' if he did he wudden't lave th' command written on a
+pie-plate an' burrid out there at Nauvoo, in Hancock county, Illinye. Ye
+can bet on that, Hinnissy."
+
+"But if anny wan believes 'twas done, I say, lave him believe it an'
+lave him clasp to his bosom as manny Olesons as 'll have him. Sure in
+th' prisint state iv th' mathrimonyal market, as Hogan calls it, whin
+he goes down to coort th' rich Widow O'Brien, th' la-ad that wants to
+engage in interprises iv that sort ought to have a frind in ivry wan but
+th' men that keeps imploymint agencies.
+
+"But no. Th' minyit a Mormon thries to break into a pollytical job,
+a dillygation rises an' says they: 'What!' they says, 'permit this
+polluted monsther f'r to invade th' chaste atmosphere,' they says, 'iv
+th' house iv riprisintatives,' they says. 'Permit him f'r to parade his
+fam'ly down Pinnsylvanya Av'noo an' block thraffic,' they says.
+'Permit him mebbe to set in th' chair wanst occypied be th' laminted
+Breckinridge,' they says. An' they proceed f'r to hunt th' poor, crowded
+man. An' he takes a day off to kiss his wife fr'm house to house, an'
+holds a meetin' iv his childher to bid thim good-by an' r-runs to hide
+in a cave till th' dillygation raymimbers that they have husbands iv
+their own an' goes home to cook th' supper.
+
+"A Mormon, Hinnissy, is a man that has th' bad taste an' th' rellijion
+to do what a good manny other men ar-re restrained fr'm doin' be
+conscientious scruples an' th' polis. I don't want anny wife; ye,
+Hinnissy, ar-re satisfied, not to say con-tint, with wan; another la-ad
+feels that he'd be lonesome without tin. 'Tis a matther iv disposition.
+If iver I got started th' Lord on'y knows where I'd bring up. I might
+be like me frind an' fellow-sultan, Hadji Mohammed. Hadji has wives
+to burn, an' wanst in awhile he bur-rns wan. He has a betther job thin
+Congressman."
+
+"Th' best a congressman can get is foorth-class postmasther an' a
+look in at th' White House on visitin' day. But Hadji, th' pop'lar an'
+iloquent sultan iv Sulu an' Bazeen iv th' Ohio iv th' Passyfic, owns his
+own palace an' disthributes his own jobs. No man can hold th' office iv
+bow-sthringer iv our impeeryal domain without a certy-ficate fr'm
+Hadji. From th' highest office in th' land to th' lowest, fr'm th' chief
+pizener to th' throne, to th' humblest ixicutioner that puts a lady in a
+bag an' dumps her into th' lake in th' Nine Millionth Assimbly district
+they look to Hadji Mohammed f'r their places. He is th' High Guy, th'
+Main Thing. He's ivrybody. When he quits wurrk th' governmint is over
+f'r th' day. An' does annywan thry to interfere with Hadji? Does annywan
+say 'Hadji, ye'll have to abandon two or three hundherd iv ye 'er
+firesides. Ye ar-re livin' jus' inside th' left field fince iv our
+domain an' 'tis a rule iv th' game that we've taken ye into that no
+wan shall have more thin wan wife at a time that annywan knows iv. In'
+behalf iv th' comity iv th' Society f'r th' Supprission iv Poly-gamy, I
+request ye to discard Nora an' Eileen an' Mary Ann an' Sue an' Bimbi
+an' th' r-rest iv th' bunch, an' cleave on'y to Lucille. I judge be her
+looks that she's th' first Missus Haitch.'
+
+"No, sir. If he did he'd reach th' ship that runs between our outlying
+wards without a hair to his head. Instead iv reproachin' Hadji with
+his domestic habits, wan iv th' envoys that ar-re imployed in carryin'
+messages fr'm th' prisidint to his fellow-citizens, proceeds to th'
+pretty little American village iv Sulu, where he finds Hadji settin' up
+on a high chair surrounded be wives. 'Tis a domestic scene that'd make
+Brigham Young think he was a bachelor. Hadji is smokin' a good seegar
+an' occasionally histin' a dhrink iv cider, an' wan iv th' ladies
+is playin' a guitar, an' another is singin' 'I want ye my Sulu,' an'
+another is makin' a tidy, an' three or four hundred more ar-re sewin'
+patches on th' pants iv th' Hadji kids. An' th' ambassadure he
+says: 'Mos' rile an' luminous citizen, here is a copy iv th' Annual
+Thanksgivin' pro-clamation,' he says. 'Tis addhressed to all th' hearty
+husbandmen iv our belovid counthry, manin' you among others,' he says.
+'An' here,' he says, 'is th' revised constitution,' he says. 'Th'
+original wan,' he says, 'was intinded f'r ol' stick-in-th'-muds that
+wudden't know th' difference between a harem an' a hoe,' he says. 'This
+wan,' he says, 'is more suited f'r th' prisint gay an' expansive times,'
+he says. 'It permits a man to cleave to as manny wives,' he says, 'as
+his race, color, an' prevyous condition iv servitude will permit,' he
+says. 'Thank ye kindly,' says Hadji, 'I'll threasure these here papers
+as a vallyable meminto fr'm that far distant home iv mine which I have
+niver see,' he says. 'I'd inthrojooce ye to Mrs. Hadji wan by wan,'
+he says, 'but 'twud be betther,' he says, 'f'r to stand up here an' be
+prisinted to her as a whole,' he says, 'f'r,' he says, ''tis growing
+late an' I want ye to come up to th' house,' he says, 'an' pick a
+mission'ry with me,' he says. 'A Baptist,' he says, 'raised on th'
+farm,' he says. An' Hadji holds his job an' looks for'rard to th' day
+whin we'll have female suffrage an' he can cast th' solid vote iv Sulu
+for himsilf f'r prisident."
+
+"Thin," said Mr. Hennessy, "ye'er frind Roberts ought to move to
+what-d'ye-call-th' place."
+
+"That's what I'm thinkin'," said Mr. Dooley. "But 'tis too bad f'r him
+he was bor-rn at home."
+
+
+
+
+PUBLIC FICKLENESS
+
+
+Mr. Dooley put his paper aside and pushed his spectacles up on his
+forehead. "Well," he said, "I suppose, afther all, we're th' mos'
+lively nation in th' wurruld. It doesn't seem many months ago since ye,
+Hinnissy, was down at th' depot cheerin' th' departin' heroes----"
+
+"I niver was," said Mr. Hennessey. "I stayed at home."
+
+"Since ye was down cheerin' th' departin' heroes," Mr. Dooley continued,
+"an' thryin' to collect what they owed ye. Th' papers was full iv news
+iv th' war. Private Jawn Thomas Bozoom iv Woonsocket, a mimber iv th'
+gallant an' devoted Wan Hundhred an' Eighth Rhode Island, accidentally
+slipped on a orange peel while attimptin' to lave th' recruitin' office
+an' sustained manny con-tu-sions. He rayfused to be taken home an'
+insisted on jinin' his rig'mint at th' rayciption in th' fair groun's.
+Gallant Private Bozoom! That's th' stuff that American heroes ar-re made
+iv. Ye find thim at th' forge an' at th' plough, an' dhrivin' sthreet
+cars, an' ridin' in th' same. The favored few has th' chanst to face th'
+bullets iv th'inimy. 'Tis f'r these unknown pathrites to prove that a
+man can sarve his counthry at home as well as abroad. Private Bozoom
+will not be f'rgot be his fellow-counthrymen. A rayciption has been
+arranged f'r him at th' Woonsocket op'ry-house, an' 'tis said if he will
+accipt it, th' vote iv th' State iv Rhode Island'll be cast f'r him f'r
+prisidint. 'Tis at such times as this that we reflict that th' wurruld
+has wurruk f'r men to do, an' mere politicians mus' retire to th' rear."
+
+"That was a few months ago. Where's Bozoom now? If iver ye go to
+Woonsocket, Hinnissy, which Gawd f'rbid, ye'll find him behind th'
+counther iv th' grocery store ladlin' out rutabaga turnips into a brown
+paper cornucopy an' glad to be alive. An' 'tis tin to wan, an' more thin
+that, that th' town humorist has named him th' orange-peel hero, an'
+he'll go to his grave with that name. Th' war is over an' th' state iv
+war exists. If ye saw a man fall fr'm th' top iv a tin-story buildin'
+'twud startle ye, wanst. If it happened again, 'twud surprise ye. But
+if ye saw a man fall ivry fifteen minyits ye'd go home afther awhile f'r
+supper an' ye wuddent even mintion it to ye'er wife."
+
+"I don't know how manny heroes they ar-re in th' Philippeens. Down there
+a man is ayether a sojer or a casualty. Bein' a casualty is no good. I
+cud say about a man: 'He was a hero in th' war with Spain,' but how can
+I say: 'Shake hands with Bill Grady, wan iv th' ladin' casualties iv our
+late war?' 'Twud be no more thin to say he was wan iv th' gallant men
+that voted f'r prisidint in 1896.'"
+
+
+{Illustration}
+
+
+"No, Hinnissy, people wants novelties in war. Th' war fashions iv 1898
+is out iv style. They ar-re too full in th' waist an' too long in th'
+skirt. Th' style has changed. There ar-re fifty thousand backward men
+in th' fair isles iv th' Passyfic fightin' to free th' Philippeen
+fr'm himsilf an' becomin' a casualty in th' operation, but no one is
+charterin' ar-rmy hospital ships f'r thim."
+
+"No one is convartin' anny steam yachts f'r thim. No wan is sindin'
+eighty tons iv plum puddin' to complete th' wurruk iv destruction. They
+ar-re in a war that'd make th' British throops in Africa think they were
+drillin' f'r a prize banner. But'tis an onfashionable war.' 'Tis an ol'
+war made over fr'm garments formerly worn be heroes. Whin a man is out
+in th' counthry with wan newspaper an' has read th' authentic
+dispatches fr'm Ladysmith an' Harrismith an' Willumaldensmith an'
+Mysteriousbillysmith an' the meetin' iv th' czar iv Rooshia with th'
+Impror Willum an' th' fire in th' packin' house an' th' report iv th'
+canal thrustees an' th' fightin' news an' th' want ads, an' afther he
+has r-read thim over twinty times he looks at his watch an' says he,
+'Holy smoke, 'tis two hours to thrain time an' I suppose I'll have to
+r-read th' news fr'm th' Philippeens.' War, be hivins, is so common that
+I believe if we was to take on a fight with all th' wurruld not more
+thin half th' popylation iv New England'd die iv hear-rt disease befure
+they got into th' cellars."
+
+"Th' new style iv war is made in London an' all our set is simply
+stuck on it. Th' casualties in th' Philippeens can walk home, but is it
+possible that many thrue an' well-dhressed American can stand to see
+th' signs iv th' ancient British aristocracy taken care iv be their own
+gover'mint? 'What,' says Lady what's-her-name (her that was th' daughter
+iv wan iv our bravest an' best racontoors). 'What.' she says, 'will anny
+American woman residin' in London see men shot down,' she says, 'that
+has but recently played polo in our very sight,' she says, 'an' be
+brought home in mere thransports,' she says. 'Ladies,' she says, 'lave
+us equip a hospital ship,' she says. 'I thrust,' she says, 'that all
+iv us has been long enough fr'm home to f'rget our despicable domestic
+struggles,' she says, 'an' think on'y iv humanity,' she says. An' whin
+she opens up th' shop f'r subscriptions ye'd think fr'm th' crowd that
+'twas th' first night iv th' horse show. I don't know what Lem Stiggins
+iv Kansas, marked down in th' roll, Private in th' Twintieth Kansas,
+Severely, I don't know what Private Severely thinks iv it. An' I wuddent
+like to know till afther Thanks-givin'."
+
+"Don't be blatherin'," said Mr. Hennessy. "Sure ye can't ixpict people
+to be inthrested f'river in a first performance."
+
+"No," said Mr. Dooley, "but whin th' audjeence gives th' comp'ny an
+encore it ought at laste to pretind that it's not lavin' f'r th' other
+show."
+
+
+
+
+KENTUCKY POLITICS
+
+
+"If th' Presidint doesn't step in an' interfere," said Mr. Hennessy,
+"they'll be bloodshed in Kentucky."
+
+"What business is it iv Mack's?" Mr. Dooley protested. "Th' war's in
+this counthry, man alive! If 'twas in Boolgahria or Chiny or on th'
+head waters iv th' Bozoon river in th' sooltynate iv--iv--I dinnaw
+what--thin'twud be th' jooty iv our gover'mint f'r to resolve that th'
+inthrests iv humanity an' civilization an' th' advancement iv th' human
+kind required that we shud step in an' put a head on wan or both iv th'
+parties. But they'se no reason now, me boy, f'r us to do annything,
+f'r these are our own people, an' 'tis wan iv their rights, undher th'
+martial law that's th' foundation iv our institutions, to bate each
+other to death whiniver an' whereiver they plaze. 'Twud be all r-right
+f'r the Impror Willum to come in an' take a hand, but Gawd help him if
+he did, or th' Prsidint iv th' Fr-rinch or th' Impror iv Chiny. 'Twud be
+all r-right f'r thim. An' though we might meet thim at th' dure an' hand
+thim wan f'r their impydince, we'd be in th' wrong. Twud be a good job
+f'r Aggynaldoo, too, if he cud find himsilf an' had th' time It must be
+clear to him be what news he hears whin th' other pigrim father, Sinitor
+Hoar, calls on him in th' three where he makes his home, that what
+Kentucky needs now is wan an' on'y wan stable govermint an' a little
+public peace. He might restore peace at home an' abroad be cuttin' in,
+but th' poor la-ad has other things to think iv. I'd like to see him. It
+must be near a year since he had a shave or a hair cut, barrin' ridges
+made be bullets as he cleared th' fences."
+
+"It looks to me as though th' raypublican is wr-rong," said Mr.
+Hennessy, with the judicial manner of a man without prejudices.
+
+"Iv coorse he's wrong," said Mr. Dooley. "He starts wrong. An' th'
+dimmycrats ar-re r-right. They're always r-right. Tis their position.
+Th' dimmycrats ar-re right an' the raypublicans has th' jobs. It all
+come up because our vinerated party, Hinnissy, ain't quick at th' count.
+Man an' boy I've taken an intherest in politics all me life, an' I find
+th' on'y way to win an iliction is to begin f'r to count th' minyit
+ye've completed th' preliminaries iv closin' th' polls an' killin' th'
+other judges an' clerks.
+
+"Th' dimmycrats counted, but th' count come too late. Be th' time th'
+apparent an' hidjous majority iv th' raypublicans was rayjooced to
+nawthin' an' a good liberal, substantial, legal an' riotous dimmycratic
+majority put in its place be ordher iv th' coorts, th' commonwealth iv
+Kentucky an' Jack Chinn, th' raypublican has been so long in th'job an'
+has become so wedded to it that ye cuddent shake him out with a can
+iv joynt powdher. It seems to him that there niver was a time whin he
+wasn't gov'nor."
+
+{Illustration}
+
+"Th' dimmycrats get together an' call on that learned an' incorruptible
+joodishary that's done so much to ilivate the party into high office,
+an' whin th' dure iv th' saloon is locked they say 'Bill,' they say,
+'we're bein' robbed iv our suffrage,' says they. 'Th' hated enimy has
+stolen th' ballot an' thrampled on th' r-rights iv th' citizens,' says
+they, 'in the southern part iv th' state faster thin we cud undo their
+hellish wurruk in our own counties,' they says. 'They now hol' th'
+jobs,' they say, 'an' if they stay in they'se no more chanst iv iver
+ilictin' a dimmycrat again thin there wud be iv ilictin' a raypublican
+if we got in,' they say. 'Do ye mix us up a replevy writ an' we'll go
+over an' haul th' chair fr'm undher thim,' they say."
+
+"So th' judge passes out a replevy writ be vartue iv th' thrust that's
+been reposed in him be th' comity and gives it to Colonel Jack Chinn,
+wan iv th' leaders iv th' Kentucky bar, f'r to serve. An' Colonel Jack
+Chinn ar-rms himsilf as becomes a riprisintative iv a gr-reat coort
+goin' to sarve a sacred writ iv replevy on th' usurper to th' loftiest
+or wan iv th' loftiest jobs that th' people iv a gloryous state can
+donate to a citizen. He sthraps on three gatlin' guns, four revolvers,
+two swords, a rifle, a shot gun, a baseball bat, a hand grenade (to be
+used on'y in case iv thirst), a pair iv handcuffs, brass knuckles, a
+sandbag, a piece of lead pipe in a stockin', a rabbit's foot f'r luck,
+a stove lid an' a can iv dinnymite, an' with siveral iv his cillybrated
+knives behind his ears, in his hair, between his teeth, an' gleamin'
+fr'm his pockets, he sallies forth on his sacred mission, an' gives
+th' writ to a clerk to sarve, an' stays in town himsilf, where he
+successfully resists all charges iv th' bartinder. Th' clerk goes up to
+th' state house, where th' gov'nor is ixicutin' th' high thrust reposed
+in him be himsilf, behind breastworks an' guarded be some iv th' most
+desp'rate an' pathriotic ruffyans in th' state. 'What have ye there?'
+says his ixcillincy, with his hand on th' sthring iv a dinnymite gun. 'A
+writ fr'm th' coort bouncin' ye fr'm ye'er high office,' says th'
+clerk. 'As a law abidin' citizen,' says his ixcillincy, 'an' an official
+enthrusted be th' people iv this glad state with th' exicution iv th'
+statutes I bow to th' law,' he says. 'But,' he says, 'I'll be hanged
+if I'll bow to th' decree iv anny low browed pussillanimous dimmycratic
+coort,' he says, 'Sojers,' he says, 'seize this disturber iv th' peace
+an' stick him in th' cellar. Jawn,' he says, 'ar-rm ye'ersilf an'
+proceed to th' raypublican timple iv justice in Hogan's saloon an' have
+th' stanch an' upright Judge Blood prepare some good honest writs iv
+th' party iv Lincoln an' Grant,' he says. 'In th' manetime, as th'
+constitootion has lost its sights an' the cylinder don't revolve,' he
+says, 'I suspind it an' proclaim martial law,' he says. 'I want a law,'
+he says, 'that mesilf an' all other good citizens can rayspict,' he
+says. 'I want wan,' he says, 'that's been made undher me own personal
+supervision,' he says. 'Hand-made, copper distilled, wan hun-dherd an'
+tin proof martial law ought to be good enough for anny Kentuckyan,' he
+says. So th' next ye hear th' sojers ar-re chasin' th' coorts out iv
+th' state, th' legislature is meetin' in Duluth, Pinsacola, an' Bangor,
+Maine, an' a comity iv citizens consistin' iv some iv the best gun
+fighters iv th' state ar-re meetin' to decide how th' conthroversay can
+be decided without loss iv blood or jobs. While they're in session th'
+gov'nor is in contimpt iv coort, the coorts ar-re in contimpt iv th'
+gov'nor, an' if annybody but Tiddy Rosenfclt has anny other feelin' f'r
+ayether iv thim I haven't heerd him speak."
+
+"They ought to fire out the raypublican," said Mr. Hennessy. "Sure 'tis
+comin' to a nice state iv affairs whin th' likes iv him can defy the
+coorts."
+
+"Thrue f'r ye," said Mr. Dooley. "But I don't like th' looks iv it fr'm
+our side iv th' house. Whiniver a dimmycrat has to go to coort to win
+an iliction I get suspicious. They'se something wr-rong in Kentucky,
+Hinnissy. We were too slow. Th' inimy got th' first cheat."
+
+
+
+
+YOUNG ORATORY
+
+
+"They'se wan thing that this counthry ought to be thankful f'r," said
+Mr. Dooley, laying down his paper, "an' that is that we still have a lot
+iv young an' growin' orators f'r to lead us on."
+
+"Who's been oratin' now?" Mr. Hennessy asked.
+
+"Me young frind Sinitor Beveridge, th' child orator iv Fall Creek. This
+engagin' an' hopeful la-ad first made an impression with his eloquince
+at th' age iv wan whin he addhressed a meetin' iv th' Tippecanoe club on
+th' issues iv th' day. At th' age iv eight he was illicted to th' United
+States Sinit, rayjoocin' th' average age iv that body to ninety-three
+years. In th' sinit, bein' a modest child, he rayfused to speak f'r five
+minyits, but was fin'lly injooced f'r to make a few thousan' remarks on
+wan iv th' subjects now much discussed by orators whin th' dures ar-re
+closed an' th' fire escapes broken."
+
+"His subject was th' Ph'lippeens, an' he said he'd just come fr'm there.
+'I have cruised,' he says, 'f 'r two thousan' miles through th' Ar-rchey
+Pelago--that's a funny name--ivry minyit a surprise an' delight to those
+that see me,' he says. 'I see corn growin' on banana threes; I see th'
+gloryous heights iv Ding Dong that ar-re irradyatin'. civilization like
+quills upon th' fretful porcypine,' he says. 'I see rice, coffee, rolls,
+cocoanuts, choice seegars, oats, hay, hard and soft coal, an' Gen'ral
+Otis--an' there's a man that I rayspict,' he says. 'I see flowers
+bloomin' that was superyor to anny conservatory in Poolasky county,'
+he says. 'I see th' low and vicious inhabitants iv th' counthry soon, I
+thrust, to be me fellow-citizens, an' as I set there an' watched th' sea
+rollin' up its uncounted millyons iv feet iv blue wather, an' th' stars
+sparklin' like lamp-posts we pass in th' night, as I see th' mountains
+raisin' their snow-capped heads f'r to salute th' sun, while their feet
+extinded almost to th' place where I shtud; whin I see all th' glories
+iv that almost, I may say, thropical clime, an' thought what a good
+place this wud be f'r to ship base-burnin' parlor stoves, an' men's
+shirtings to th' accursed natives iv neighborin' Chiny, I says to
+mesilf, 'This is no mere man's wurruk. A Higher Power even than Mack,
+much as I rayspict him, is in this here job. We cannot pause, we cannot
+hesitate, we cannot delay, we cannot even stop! We must, in other
+wurruds, go on with a holy purpose in our hearts, th' flag over our
+heads an' th' inspired wurruds iv A. Jeremiah Beveridge in our ears,' he
+says. An' he set down."
+
+"Well, sir,'twas a gr-reat speech. 'Twas a speech ye cud waltz to. Even
+younger men thin Sinitor Beveridge had niver made grander orations. Th'
+throuble is th' sinit is too common f'r such magnificent sintimints;
+its too common and its too old. Th' young la-ad comes fr'm home, where's
+he's paralyzed th' Lithry Society an' th' Debatin' Club, an' he loads
+himsilf up with a speech an' he says to himsilf: 'Whin I begin peggin'
+ar-round a few iv these vilets I'll make Ol' Hoar look like confederate
+money,' an' th' pa-apers tell that th' Infant Demostheens iv Barry's
+Junction is about f'r to revive th oratorical thraditions iv th' sinit
+an' th' fire department comes up f'r a week, an' wets down th' capitol
+buildin'. Th' speech comes off, they ain't a dhry eye in th' House, an'
+th' pa-apers say: 'Where's ye'er Dan'l Webster an' ye'er Champ Clark,
+now?' An' th' young man goes away an' has his pitchers took on a
+kinetoscope. He has a nice time while it lasts, Hinnissy, but it
+don't las' long. It don't las' long. Th' la-ad has th' wind, but it's
+endurance that counts."
+
+"Th' wise ol' boys with their long whiskers discusses him over th'
+sivin-up game, an' says wan iv thim: 'What ye think iv th' kid's
+speech?' ''Twas a good speech,' says th' other. 'It carries me back to
+me own boyhood days. I made a speech just like that durin' th' Mexican
+War. Oh, thim days, thim days! I lead th' ace, Mike.' An' afther awhile
+th' Boy Demostheens larns that while he's polishin' off his ipigrams,
+an' ol' guy, that spinds all his time sleepin' on a bench, is polishin'
+him off. Th' man that sinds seeds to his constitooents lasts longer thin
+th' wan that sinds thim flowers iv iloquence, an' though th' hand iv
+Gawd may be in th' Ph'lippeen question, it hasn't interfered up to date
+in th' sergeant-at-arms question. An' whin th' young man sees this he
+says, 'sky,' whin he means 'sky' an' not 'th' jooled canopy iv
+hiven,' an' he says, 'Ph'lippeens,' an' not 'th' gloryous isles iv
+th' Passyfic,' an' bein' onto th' character iv his fellow-sinitors,
+he mintions nobody higher in their prisence thin th' steward iv th'
+capitol. An' he niver makes a speech but whin he wants to smoke, an'
+thin he moves that th' sinit go into executive session. Thin he's a rale
+sinitor. I've seen it manny's th' time--th' boy orator goin' into th'
+sinit, an' comin' out a deef mute. I've seen a man that made speeches
+that was set to music an' played be a silver cornet band in Ioway that
+hadn't been in Congress f'r a month befure he wudden't speak above a
+whisper or more thin an inch fr'm ye'er ear."
+
+"Do ye think Hiven sint us to th' Ph'lippeens?" Mr. Hennessy asked.
+
+"I don't know," said Mr. Dooley, "th' divvle take thim."
+
+
+
+
+PUBLIC GRATITUDE
+
+
+"This man Dewey--," began Mr. Dooley.
+
+"I thought he was ye'er cousin George," Mr. Hennessy interrupted.
+
+"I thought he was," said Mr. Dooley, "but on lookin' closer at his
+features an' r-readin' what th' pa-apers says about him, I am convinced
+that I was wrong. Oh, he may be a sicond cousin iv me Aunt Judy. I'll
+not say he ain't. There was a poor lot, all iv them. But I have no close
+rilitives in this counthry. 'Tis a way I have of savin' a little money.
+I'm like th' good an' gr-rateful American people. Th' further ye
+stay away fr'm thim th' more they like ye. Sicond-cousin-iv-me
+Aunt-Judy-George made a mistake comin' home, or if he did come home he
+ought've invistigated his welcome and see that it wasn't mined. A man
+cud stand up all day an' lave Packy Mountjoy whale away at him, but th'
+affiction iv th' American people is always aimed thrue an' is invaryably
+fatal."
+
+"Th' la-ad Dougherty was in to-day, an' he exprissed th' feelin's iv
+this grateful raypublic. He says, says he, 'This fellow Dewey ain't what
+I thought he was,' he says. 'I thought he was a good, broad, lib'ral
+man, an' it turns out he's a cheap skate,' he says. 'We made too much
+fuss over him,' he says. 'To think,' he says, 'iv him takin' th'
+house we give him an' tur-rnin' it over to his wife,' he says. ''Tis
+scand'lous,' he says. 'How much did ye con-thribute?' says I. 'I didn't
+give annything,' he says 'The collector didn't come around, an' I'm glad
+now I hung on to me coin,' he says. 'Well,' says I, 'I apprechate ye'er
+feelin's,' I says. 'Ye agree with th' other subscribers,' I says. 'But
+I've med up me mind not to lave annywan talk to me about Dewey,' I
+says, 'unless,' I says, 'he subscribed th' maximum amount iv th'
+subscription,' I says, 'thirty-eight cints,' I says. 'So I'll thank ye
+to tip-toe out,' I says, 'befure I give ye a correct imitation iv Dewey
+an' Mountjoy at th' battle of Manila,' I says. An' he wint away."
+
+"Th' throuble with Dewey is he was so long away he lost his
+undherstanding iv th' thrue feelin' iv th' American people. George
+r-read th' newspapers, an' he says to himself: 'Be hivins, they think
+well iv what I done. I guess I'll put a shirt in me thrunk an' go home,
+f'r 'tis hot out here, an' ivrybody'll be glad f'r to see me,' he says.
+An' he come along, an' New York was r-ready f'r him. Th' business in
+neckties had been poor that summer, an' they was necessity f'r pullin'
+it together, an' they give George a welcome an' invited his admirers
+fr'm th' counthry to come in an' buy something f'r th' little wans at
+home. An' he r-rode up Fifth Avnoo between smilin' rows iv hotels an'
+dhrug stores, an' tin-dollar boxes an' fifty-cint seats an' he says to
+himsilf: 'Holy smoke, if Aggynaldoo cud on'y see me now.' An' he was
+proud an' happy, an' he says: 'Raypublics ar-re not always ongrateful.'
+An' they ain't. On'y whin they give ye much gratichood ye want to freeze
+some iv it, or it won't keep."
+
+"'Tis unsafe f'r anny man alive to receive th' kind wurruds that ought
+to be said on'y iv th' dead. As long as George was a lithograph iv
+himsilf in a saloon window he was all r-right. Whin people saw he cud
+set in a city hall hack without flowers growin' in it an' they cud look
+at him without smoked glasses they begin to weaken in their devotion.
+'Twud've been th' same, almost, if he'd married a Presbyteeryan an'
+hadn't deeded his house to his wife. 'Dewey don't look much like a
+hero,' says wan man. 'I shud say not,' says another. 'He looks like
+annybody else.' 'He ain't a hero,' says another. 'Why, annybody cud've
+done what he did. I got an eight-year-old boy, an' if he cudden't take a
+baseball club an' go in an' bate that Spanish fleet into junk in twinty
+minyits I'd call him Alger an' thrade him off f'r a bicycle,' he says.
+'I guess that's r-right. They say he was a purty tough man befure he
+left Wash'n'ton.' 'Sure he was. Why, so-an'-so-an'-so-an'-so.' 'Ye don't
+tell me!' 'Is there annything in that story about his beatin' his poor
+ol' aunt an' her iliven childher out iv four dollars?' 'I guess that's
+straight. Ye can tell be th' looks iv him he's a mean man. I niver see
+a man with squintin' eyes an' white hair that wudden't rob a church!'
+'He's a cow'rd, too. Why, he r-run away at th' battle iv Manila.
+Ivrybody knows it. I r-read what Joe What's-His-Name wrote--th' br-rave
+corryspondint. He says this feller was sick at his stummick an' retired
+befure th' Spanish fire. Why, what'd he have to fight but a lot iv ol'
+row-boats? A good swimmer with sharp teeth cud've bit his way through
+th' whole Spanish fleet. An' he r-run away. I tell ye, it makes me tired
+to think iv th' way we abused th' Spanyards not long ago. Why, say,
+they done a lot betther thin this fellow Dewey, with his forty or fifty
+men-iv-war an' this gran' nation, miles away, standin' shoulder to
+shoulder at his back. They niver tur-rned over their property to their
+wives.' 'Yes,' says wan man, 'Dewey was a cow'rd. Let's go an' stone his
+house.' 'No,' says the crowd, 'he might come out. Let's go down to th'
+v'riety show an' hiss his pitcher in th' kinetoscope.' Well!'"
+
+"Well what?" demanded Mr. Hennessy.
+
+"Well," Mr. Dooley continued, "I was on'y goin' to say, Hinnissy, that
+in spite iv me hathred iv George as a man--a marrid man--an' me contimpt
+f'r his qualities as a fighter, in spite iv th' chickens he has stole
+an' the notes he has forged an' th' homes he has rooned, if he was
+to come r-runnin' up Archey road, as he might, pursooed be ladies an'
+gintlemen an' th' palajeem iv our liberties peltin him with rotten eggs
+an' ol' cats, I'd open th' dure f'r him, an' whin he come in I'd put me
+fut behind it an' I'd say to th' grateful people: 'Fellow-citizens,' I'd
+say, 'lave us,' I'd say. 'They'se another hero down in Halstead Sthreet
+that's been marrid. Go down an' shivaree him. An' you, me thrusted
+collagues iv th' press, disperse to ye'er homes,' I'd say. 'Th' keyholes
+is closed f'r th' night, I'd say. An' thin I'd bolt th' dure an' I'd
+say, 'George, take off ye'er coat an' pull up to th' fire. Here's a
+noggin' iv whisky near ye'er thumb an' a good seegar f'r ye to smoke.
+I'm no hero-worshiper. I'm too old. But I know a man whin I see wan, an'
+though we cudden't come out an' help ye whin th' subscription list wint
+wild, be sure we think as much iv ye as we did whin ye'er name was first
+mintioned be th' stanch an' faithful press. Set here, ol' la-ad, an'
+warrum ye'er toes by th' fire. Set here an' r-rest fr'm th' gratichood
+iv ye'er fellow-counthrymen, that, as Shakspere says, biteth like an
+asp an' stingeth like an adder. R-rest here, as ye might r-rest at th'
+hearth iv millyons iv people that cud give ye no house but their own!"
+
+"I dinnaw about that," said Mr. Hennessy. "I like Dewey, but I think he
+oughtn't to've give away th' gift iv th' nation."
+
+"Well," said Mr. Dooley, "if 'twas a crime f'r an American citizen to
+have his property in his wife's name they'd be close quarthers in th'
+pinitinchry."
+
+
+
+
+MARRIAGE AND POLITICS
+
+
+"I see," said Mr. Hennessy, "that wan iv thim New York joods says a man
+in pollytics oughtn't to be marrid."
+
+"Oh, does he?" said Mr. Dooley.
+
+"Well, 'tis little he knows about it. A man in pollytics has got to be
+marrid. If he ain't marrid where'll he go f'r another kind iv throuble?
+An' where'll he find people to support? An unmarrid man don't get along
+in pollytics because he don't need th' money. Whin he's in th' middle iv
+a prim'ry, with maybe twinty or thirty iv th' opposite party on top
+iv him, thinks he to himsilf: 'What's th' good iv fightin' f'r a job?
+They'se no wan depindant on me f'r support,' an' he surrinders. But a
+marrid man says: 'What'll happen to me wife an' twelve small childher if
+I don't win out here today?' an' he bites his way to th' top iv th' pile
+an' breaks open th' ballot box f'r home and fireside. That's th' thruth
+iv it, Hinnissy. Ye'll find all th' big jobs held be marrid men an' all
+th' timpry clerkships be bachelors."
+
+"Th' reason th' New York jood thinks marrid men oughtn't to be in
+pollytics is because he thinks pollytics is spoort. An' so it is. But
+it ain't amachoor spoort, Hinnissy. They don't give ye a pewter mug with
+ye'er name on it f'r takin' a chanst on bein' kilt. 'Tis a profissional
+spoort, like playin' base-ball f'r a livin' or wheelin' a thruck. Ye
+niver see an amachoor at annything that was as good as a profissional.
+Th' best amachoor ball team is beat be a bad profissional team; a
+profissional boxer that thrains on bock beer an' Swiss cheese can lam
+the head off a goold medal amachoor champeen that's been atin' moldy
+bread an' dhrinkin' wather f'r six months, an' th' Dago that blows th'
+cornet on th' sthreet f'r what annywan 'll throw him can cut the figure
+eight around Dinnis Finn, that's been takin' lessons f'r twinty year.
+No, sir, pollytics ain't dhroppin' into tea, an' it ain't wurrukin' a
+scroll saw, or makin' a garden in a back yard. 'Tis gettin' up at six
+o'clock in th' mornin' an' r-rushin' off to wurruk, an' comin' home at
+night tired an' dusty. Double wages f'r overtime an' Sundahs."
+
+"So a man's got to be marrid to do it well. He's got to have a wife at
+home to make him oncomfortable if he comes in dhrunk, he's got to
+have little prattlin' childher that he can't sind to th' Young Ladies'
+academy onless he stuffs a ballotbox properly, an' he's got to have a
+sthrong desire f'r to live in th' av'noo an' be seen dhrivin' downtown
+in an open carredge with his wife settin' beside him undher a r-red
+parasol. If he hasn't these things he won't succeed in pollytics--or
+packin' pork. Ye niver see a big man in pollytics that dhrank hard,
+did ye? Ye never will. An' that's because they're all marrid. Th'
+timptation's sthrong, but fear is sthronger."
+
+"Th' most domestic men in th' wurruld ar-re politicians, an' they always
+marry early. An' that's th' sad part iv it, Hinnissy. A pollytician
+always marries above his own station. That's wan sign that he'll be a
+successful pollytician. Th' throuble is, th' good woman stays planted
+just where she was, an' he goes by like a fast thrain by a whistlin'
+station. D'ye mind O'Leary, him that's a retired capitalist now, him
+that was aldherman, an' dhrainage thrustee, an' state sinitor f'r wan
+term? Well, whin I first knew O'Leary he wurruked down on a railroad
+section tampin' th' thrack at wan-fifty a day. He was a sthrong, willin'
+young fellow, with a stiff right-hand punch an' a schamin' brain,
+an' anny wan cud see that he was intinded to go to th' fr-ront. Th'
+aristocracy iv th' camp was Mrs. Cassidy, th' widdy lady that kept th'
+boordin'-house. Aristocracy, Hinnissy, is like rale estate, a matther
+iv location. I'm aristocracy to th' poor O'Briens back in th' alley, th'
+brewery agent's aristocracy to me, his boss is aristocracy to him, an'
+so it goes, up to the czar of Rooshia. He's th' pick iv th' bunch, th'
+high man iv all, th' Pope not goin' in society. Well, Mrs. Cassidy was
+aristocracy to O'Leary. He niver see such a stylish woman as she was
+whin she turned out iv a Sundah afthernoon in her horse an' buggy. He'd
+think to himsilf, 'If I iver can win that I'm settled f'r life,' an' iv
+coorse he did. 'Twas a gran' weddin'; manny iv th' guests didn't show up
+at wurruk f'r weeks."
+
+"O'Leary done well, an' she was a good wife to him. She made money an'
+kept him sthraight an' started him for constable. He won out, bein' a
+sthrong man. Thin she got him to r-run f'r aldher-man, an' ye shud've
+seen her th' night he was inaugurated! Be hivins, Hinnissy, she looked
+like a fire in a pawnshop, fair covered with dimons an' goold watches
+an' chains. She was cut out to be an aldherman's wife, and it was worth
+goin' miles to watch her leadin' th' gran' march at th' Ar-rchy Road
+Dimmycratic Fife an' Dhrum Corps ball."
+
+"But there she stopped. A good woman an' a kind wan, she cudden't go
+th' distance. She had th' house an' th' childher to care f'r an' her
+eddy-cation was through with. They isn't much a woman can learn afther
+she begins to raise a fam'ly. But with O'Leary 'twas diffrent. I say
+'twas diff'rent with O'Leary. Ye talk about ye'er colleges, Hinnissy,
+but pollytics is th' poor man's college. A la-ad without enough book
+larnin' to r-read a meal-ticket, if ye give him tin years iv polly-tical
+life, has th' air iv a statesman an' th' manner iv a jook, an' cud take
+anny job fr'm dalin' faro bank to r-runnin th' threasury iv th'
+United States. His business brings him up again' th' best men iv th'
+com-munity, an' their customs an' ways iv speakin' an' thinkin' an
+robbin' sticks to him. Th' good woman is at home all day. Th' on'y
+people she sees is th' childher an' th' neighbors. While th' good man in
+a swallow-tail coat is addhressin' th' Commercial club on what we shud
+do f'r to reform pollytics, she's discussin' th' price iv groceries with
+th' plumber's wife an' talkin' over th' back fince to the milkman. Thin
+O'Leary moves up on th' boolyvard. He knows he'll get along all r-right
+on th' boolyvard. Th' men'll say: 'They'se a good deal of rugged common
+sinse in that O'Leary. He may be a robber, but they's mighty little that
+escapes him.' But no wan speaks to Mrs. O'Leary. No wan asts her opinion
+about our foreign policy. She sets day in an' day out behind th' dhrawn
+curtains iv her three-story brownstone risidence prayin' that somewan'll
+come in an' see her, an if annywan comes she's frozen with fear. An'
+'tis on'y whin she slips out to Ar-rchey r-road an' finds th' plumber's
+wife, an' sets in th' kitchen over a cup iv tay, that peace comes to
+her. By an' by they offer O'Leary th' nommynation f'r congress. He knows
+he's fit for it. He's sthronger thin th' young lawyer they have now.
+People'll listen to him in Wash'nton as they do in Chicago. He says:
+'I'll take it.' An' thin he thinks iv th' wife an' they's no Wash'nton
+f'r him. His pollytical career is over. He wud niver have been constable
+if he hadn't marrid, but he might have been sinitor if he was a
+widower."
+
+"Mrs. O'Leary was in to see th' Dargans th' other day. 'Ye mus' be very
+happy in ye'er gran' house, with Mr. O'Leary doin' so well,' says Mrs.
+Dargan. An' th' on'y answer th' foolish woman give was to break down an'
+weep on Mrs. Dargan's neck."
+
+"Yet ye say a pollytician oughtn't to get marrid," said Mr. Hennessy.
+
+"Up to a certain point," said Mr. Dooley, "he must be marrid. Afther
+that--well, I on'y say that, though pollytics is a gran' career f'r a
+man, 'tis a tough wan f'r his wife."
+
+
+
+
+ALCOHOL AS FOOD
+
+
+"If a man come into this saloon--" Mr. Hennessy was saying.
+
+"This ain't no saloon," Mr. Dooley interrupted. "This is a resthrant."
+
+"A what?" Mr. Hennessy exclaimed.
+
+"A resthrant," said Mr. Dooley. "Ye don't know, Hinnissy, that liquor is
+food. It is though. Food--an' dhrink. That's what a doctor says in the
+pa-apers, an' another doctor wants th' gover'mint to sind tubs iv th'
+stuff down to th' Ph'lipeens. He says 'tis almost issintial that people
+shud dhrink in thim hot climates. Th' prespiration don't dhry on
+thim afther a hard pursoot iv Aggynaldoo an' th' capture iv Gin'ral
+Pantaloons de Garshy; they begin to think iv home an' mother sindin'
+down th' lawn-sprinkler to be filled with bock, an' they go off
+somewhere, an' not bein' able to dhry thimsilves with dhrink, they want
+to die. Th' disease is called nostalgia or home-sickness, or thirst."
+
+"'What we want to do f'r our sojer boys in th' Ph'lipeens besides
+killin' thim,' says th' ar-rmy surgeon, 'is make th' place more
+homelike,' he says. 'Manny iv our heroes hasn't had th' deleeryum
+thremens since we first planted th' stars an' sthripes,' he says, 'an'
+th' bay'nits among th' people,' he says. 'I wud be in favor iv havin'
+th' rigimints get their feet round wanst a week, at laste,' he says.
+'Lave us,' he says, 'reform th' reg'lations,' he says, 'an' insthruct
+our sojers to keep their powdher dhry an' their whistles wet,' he says."
+
+"Th' idee ought to take, Hinnissy, f'r th' other doctor la-ad has
+discovered that liquor is food. 'A man,' says he, 'can live f'r months
+on a little booze taken fr'm time to time,' he says 'They'se a gr-reat
+dale iv nourishment in it,' he says. An' I believe him, f'r manny's
+th' man I know that don't think iv eatin' whin he can get a dhrink. I
+wondher if the time will iver come whin ye'll see a man sneakin' out iv
+th' fam'ly enthrance iv a lunch-room hurridly bitin' a clove! People
+may get so they'll carry a light dinner iv a pint iv rye down to their
+wurruk, an' a man'll tell ye he niver takes more thin a bottle iv beer
+f'r breakfast. Th' cook'll give way to th' bartinder and th' doctor 'll
+ordher people f'r to ate on'y at meals. Ye'll r-read in th' pa-apers
+that 'Anton Boozinski, while crazed with ham an' eggs thried to kill his
+wife an' childher.' On Pathrick's day ye'll see th' Dr. Tanner Anti-Food
+Fife an' Drum corpse out at th' head iv th' procession instead iv th'
+Father Macchews, an' they'll be places where a man can be took whin he
+gets th' monkeys fr'm immodhrate eatin'. Th' sojers 'll complain that
+th' liquor was unfit to dhrink an' they'll be inquiries to find out
+who sold embammin' flood to th' ar-rmy--Poor people 'll have simple
+meals--p'raps a bucket iv beer an' a little crame de mint, an' ye'll
+r-read in th' pa-apers about a family found starvin' on th' North side,
+with nawthin' to sustain life but wan small bottle iv gin, while th'
+head iv th' family, a man well known to the polis, spinds his wages in a
+low doggery or bakeshop fuddlin' his brains with custars pie. Th' r-rich
+'ll inthrajoose novelties. P'raps they'll top off a fine dinner with a
+little hasheesh or proosic acid. Th' time'll come whin ye'll see me in a
+white cap fryin' a cocktail over a cooksthove, while a nigger hollers to
+me: 'Dhraw a stack iv Scotch,' an' I holler back: 'On th' fire.' Ye will
+not."
+
+
+{Illustration}
+
+
+"That's what I thought," said Mr. Hennessy.
+
+"No," said Mr. Dooley. "Whisky wudden't be so much iv a luxury if'twas
+more iv a necissity. I don't believe 'tis a food, though whin me frind
+Schwartzmeister makes a cocktail all it needs is a few noodles to look
+like a biled dinner. No, whisky ain't food. I think betther iv it thin
+that. I wudden't insult it be placin' it on th' same low plane as a
+lobster salad. Father Kelly puts it r-right, and years go by without
+him lookin' on it even at Hallowe'en. 'Whisky,' says he, 'is called the
+divvle, because,' he says, ''tis wan iv the fallen angels,' he says. 'It
+has its place,' he says, 'but its place is not in a man's head,' says
+he. 'It ought to be th' reward iv action, not th' cause iv it,' he says.
+'It's f'r th' end iv th' day, not th' beginnin',' he says. 'Hot whisky
+is good f'r a cold heart, an' no whisky's good f'r a hot head,' he says.
+'Th' minyit a man relies on it f'r a crutch he loses th' use iv his
+legs. 'Tis a bad thing to stand on, a good thing to sleep on, a good
+thing to talk on, a bad thing to think on. If it's in th' head in th'
+mornin' it ought not to be in th' mouth at night. If it laughs in ye,
+dhrink; if it weeps, swear off. It makes some men talk like good women,
+an' some women talk like bad men. It is a livin' f'r orators an' th'
+death iv bookkeepers. It doesn't sustain life, but, whin taken hot with
+wather, a lump iv sugar, a piece iv lemon peel, and just th' dustin' iv
+a nutmeg-grater, it makes life sustainable."
+
+"D'ye think ye-ersilf it sustains life?" asked Mr. Hennessy.
+
+"It has sustained mine f'r many years," said Mr. Dooley.
+
+
+
+
+HIGH FINANCE
+
+
+"I think," said Mr. Dooley, "I'll go down to th' stock yards an' buy a
+dhrove iv Steel an' Wire stock."
+
+"Where wud ye keep it?" asked the unsuspecting Hennessy.
+
+"I'll put it out on th' vacant lot," said Mr. Dooley, "an' lave it grow
+fat by atin' ol' bur-rd cages an' tin cans. I'll milk it hard, an' whin
+'tis dhry I'll dispose iv it to th' widdies an' orphans iv th' Sixth
+Ward that need household pets. Be hivins, if they give me half a chanst,
+I'll be as gr-reat a fi-nanceer as anny man in Wall sthreet.
+
+"Th' reason I'm so confident iv th' value iv Steel an' Wire stock,
+Hinnissy, is they're goin' to hur-rl th' chairman iv th' comity into
+jail. That's what th' pa-apers calls a ray iv hope in th' clouds iv
+dipression that've covered th' market so long. 'Tis always a bull
+argymint. 'Snowplows common was up two pints this mornin' on th' rumor
+that th' prisidint was undher ar-rest.' 'They was a gr-reat bulge in
+Lobster preferred caused be th' report that instead iv declarin' a
+dividend iv three hundhred per cint. th' comp'ny was preparin' to
+imprison th' boord iv directors.' 'We sthrongly ricommind th' purchase
+iv Con and Founder. This comp'ny is in ixcillint condition since th'
+hangin' iv th' comity on reorganization.'"
+
+"What's th' la-ad been doin', Hinnissy? He's been lettin' his frinds
+in on th' groun' flure--an' dhroppin' thim into th' cellar. Ye know
+Cassidy, over in th' Fifth, him that was in th' ligislachure? Well, sir,
+he was a gr-reat frind iv this man. They met down in Springfield whin
+th' la-ad had something he wanted to get through that wud protect th'
+widdies an' orphans iv th' counthry again their own avarice, an' he
+must've handed Cassidy a good argymint, f'r Cassidy voted f'r th' bill,
+though threatened with lynchin' be stockholders iv th' rival comp'ny.
+He come back here so covered with dimons that wan night whin he was
+standin' on th' rollin' mill dock, th' captain iv th' Eliza Brown
+mistook his shirt front f'r th' bridge lights an' steered into a soap
+facthry on th' lee or gas-house shore."
+
+"Th' man made a sthrong impression on Cassidy. 'Twas: 'As me frind Jawn
+says,' or 'I'll ask Jawn about that,' or 'I'm goin' downtown to-day to
+find out what Jawn advises.' He used to play a dollar on th' horses or
+sivin-up f'r th' dhrinks, but afther he met Jawn he wanted me to put in
+a ticker, an' he wud set in here figurin' with a piece iv chalk on how
+high Wire'd go if hoopskirts come into fashion again. 'Give me a dhrop
+iv whisky,' he says, 'f'r I'm inthrested in Distillers,' he says, 'an'
+I'd like to give it a shove,' he says. 'How's Gas?' he says. 'A little
+weak, to-day,'" says I.
+
+"Twill be sthronger,' he says. 'If it ain't,' says I, 'I'll take out th'
+meter an' connect th' pipe with th' ventilator. I might as well bur-rn
+th' wind free as buy it,'" I says.
+
+"A couple iv weeks ago he see Jawn an' they had a long talk about it.
+'Cassidy,' says Jawn, 'ye've been a good frind iv mine,' he says, 'an'
+I'd do annything in the wurruld f'r ye, no matther what it cost ye,' he
+says. 'If ye need a little money to tide over th' har-rd times till th'
+ligislachure meets again buy'--an' he whispered in Cassidy's ear. 'But,'
+he says,'don't tell annywan. 'Tis a good thing, but I want to keep it
+bottled up,'" he says.
+
+"Thin Jawn took th' thrain an' begun confidin' his secret to a few
+select frinds. He give it to th' conductor on th' thrain, an' th'
+porther, an' th' candy butcher; he handed it to a switchman that got on
+th' platform at South Bend, an' he stopped off at Detroit long enough
+to tell about it to the deepo' policeman. He had a sign painted with th'
+tip on it an' hung it out th' window, an' he found a man that carrid a
+thrombone in a band goin' over to Buffalo, an' he had him set th' good
+thing to music an' play it through th' thrain. Whin he got to New York
+he stopped at the Waldorf Asthoria, an' while th' barber was powdhrin'
+his face with groun' dimons Jawn tol' him to take th' money he was goin'
+to buy a policy ticket with an' get in on th' good thing. He tol' th'
+bootblack, th' waiter, th' man at th' news-stand, th' clerk behind th'
+desk, an' th' bartinder in his humble abode. He got up a stereopticon
+show with pitchers iv a widow-an-orphan befure an' afther wirin', an' he
+put an advertisement in all th' pa-apers tellin' how his stock wud make
+weak men sthrong. He had th' tip sarved hot in all th' resthrants in
+Wall sthrcet, an' told it confidintially to an open-air meetin' in
+Madison Square. 'They'se nawthin,' he says, 'that does a tip so much
+good as to give it circulation,' he says. 'I think, be this time,' he
+says, 'all me frinds knows how to proceed, but--Great Hivins!' he says.
+'What have I done? Whin all the poor people go to get th' stock they
+won't be anny f'r thim. I can not lave thim thus in th' lurch. Me
+reputation as a gintleman an' a fi-nanceer is at stake,' he says.
+'Rather than see these brave people starvin' at th' dure f'r a morsel iv
+common or preferred, I'll--I'll sell thim me own stock,' he says. An' he
+done it. He done it, Hinnissy, with unfalthrin' courage an' a clear
+eye. He sold thim his stock, an' so's they might get what was left at a
+raysonable price, he wrote a confidintial note to th' pa-apers tellin'
+thim th' stock wasn't worth thirty cints a cord, an' now, be hivins,
+they're talkin' iv puttin' him in a common jail or pinitinchry
+preferred. Th' ingratichood iv man."
+
+"But what about Cassidy?" Mr. Hennessy asked.
+
+"Oh," said Mr. Dooley, "he was in here las' night. 'How's our old frind
+Jawn?' says I. He said nawthin'. 'Have ye seen ye'er collidge chum iv
+late?' says I. 'Don't mintion that ma-an's name,' says he. 'To think iv
+what I've done f'r him,' he says, 'an' him to throw me down,' he says.
+'Did ye play th' tip?' says I. 'I did,' says he. 'How did ye come
+out?' says I. 'I haven't a cint lift but me renommynation f'r th'
+ligislachure,' says he. 'Well,' says I, 'Cassidy,' I says, 'ye've
+been up again what th' pa-apers call hawt finance,' I says. 'What th'
+divvle's that?' says he. 'Well,' says I, 'it ain't burglary, an' it
+ain't obtainin' money be false pretinses, an' it ain't manslaughter,'
+I says. 'It's what ye might call a judicious seliction fr'm th' best
+features iv thim ar-rts,' I says. 'T'was too sthrong f'r me,' he says.
+'It was,' says I. 'Ye're about up to simple thransom climbin', Cassidy,'
+I says."
+
+
+
+
+THE PARIS EXPOSITION
+
+
+"If this r-rush iv people to th' Paris exposition keeps up," said Mr.
+Hennessy, "they won't be enough left here f'r to ilict a prisidint."
+
+"They'll be enough left," said Mr. Dooley. "There always is. No wan
+has gone fr'm Arrchey r-road, where th' voters ar-re made. I've looked
+ar-round ivry mornin' expectin' to miss some familyar faces. I thought
+Dorgan, th' plumber, wud go sure, but he give it up at th' las' moment,
+an' will spind his summer on th' dhrainage canal. Th' baseball season
+'ll keep a good manny others back, an' a number iv riprisintative
+cit'zens who have stock or jobs in th' wire mills have decided that 'tis
+much betther to inthrust their savin's to John W. Gates thin to blow
+thim in again th' sthreets iv Cairo."
+
+"But takin' it by an' large 'twill be a hard winter f'r th' r-rich.
+Manny iv thim will have money enough f'r to return, but they'll be much
+sufferin' among thim. I ixpict to have people dhroppin' in here nex'
+fall with subscription books f'r th' survivors iv th' Paris exhibition.
+Th' women down be th' rollin' mills 'll be sewin' flannels f'r th'
+disthressed millyonaires, an' whin th' childher kick about th' food
+ye'll say, Hinnissy, 'Just think iv th' poor wretches in th' Lake
+Shore dhrive an' thank Gawd f'r what ye have.' Th' mayor 'll open soup
+kitchens where th' unforchnit people can come an' get a hearty meal an'
+watch th' ticker, an' whin th' season grows hard, ye'll see pinched an'
+hungry plutocrats thrampin' th' sthreets with signs r-readin': 'Give us
+a cold bottle or we perish.' Perhaps th' polis 'll charge thim an'
+bust in their stovepipe hats, th' prisidint 'll sind th' ar-rmy here, a
+conspiracy 'll be discovered at th' club to blow up th' poorhouse, an'
+volunteers 'll be called on fr'm th' nickel bed houses to protect th'
+vested inthrests iv established poverty."
+
+"'Twill be a chanst f'r us to get even, Hinnissy. I'm goin' to organize
+th' Return Visitin' Nurses' association, composed entirely iv victims iv
+th' parent plant. 'Twill be worth lookin' at to see th' ladies fr'm th'
+stock yards r-rushin' into some wretched home down in Peerary avenue,
+grabbin' th' misthress iv th' house be th' shouldhers an' makin' her
+change her onhealthy silk dhress f'r a pink wrapper, shovelin' in
+a little ashes to sprinkle on th' flure, breakin' th' furniture an'
+rollin' th' baby in th' coal box. What th' r-rich needs is intilligint
+attintion. 'Don't ate that oatmeal. Fry a nice piece iv r-round steak
+with onions, give th' baby th' bone to play with, an' sind Lucille
+Ernestine acrost th' railroad thrack f'r a nickel's worth iv beer.
+Thin ye'll be happy, me good woman.' Oh, 'twill be gran'. I won't
+give annything to people that come to th' dure. More har-m is done be
+indiscriminate charity than anny wan knows, Hinnissy. Half th' bankers
+that'll come to ye-er kitchen nex' winter cud find plenty iv wurruk to
+do if they really wanted it. Dhrink an' idleness is th' curse iv
+th' class. If they come to me I'll sind thim to th' Paris Survivors'
+Mechanical Relief Association, an' they can go down an' set on a cake iv
+ice an' wait till th' man in charge finds thim a job managin' a diamond
+mine."
+
+{Illustration}
+
+Mr. Hennessy dismissed Mr. Dooley's fancy sketch with a grin and
+remarked: "These here expositions is a gran' thing f'r th' progress iv
+th' wurruld."
+
+"Ye r-read that in th' pa-apers," said Mr. Dooley, "an' it isn't so.
+Put it down fr'm me, Hinnissy, that all expositions is a blind f'r th'
+hootchy-kootchy dance. They'll be some gr-reat exhibits at th' Paris
+fair. Th' man that has a machine that'll tur-rn out three hundhred
+thousan' toothpicks ivry minyit'll sind over his inthrestin' device,
+they'll be mountains iv infant food an' canned prunes, an' pickle
+casters, an' pants, an' boots, an' shoes an' paintin's. They'll be all
+th' wondhers iv modhern science. Ye can see how shirts ar-re made, an'
+what gives life to th' sody fountain. Th' man that makes th' glue that
+binds 'll be wearin' more medals thin an officer iv th' English ar-rmy
+or a cinchry bicycle rider, an' years afther whin ye see a box iv soap
+ye'll think iv th' manufacthrer standin' up befure a hundhred thousan'
+frinzied Fr-rinchmen in th' Boss du Boloney while th' prisidint iv th'
+Fr-rinch places a goold wreath on his fair brow an' says: 'In th' name
+iv th' ar-rts an' science, undher th' motto iv our people, "Libertinity,
+insanity, an' frugality," I crown ye th' champeen soapmaker iv th'
+wurruld. {Cheers.} Be ye'er magnificint invintion ye have dhrawn closer
+th' ties between Paris an' Goshen, Indyanny {frantic applause}, which I
+hope will niver be washed away. I wish ye much success as ye climb th'
+lather iv fame.' Th' invintor is thin dhrawn ar-roun' th' sthreets iv
+Paris in a chariot pulled be eight white horses amid cries iv 'Veev
+Higgins,' 'Abase Castile,' et cethra, fr'm th' populace. An' manny a
+heart beats proud in Goshen that night. That's th' way ye think iv it,
+but it happens diff'rent, Hinnissy. Th' soap king, th' prune king, an'
+th' porous plaster king fr'm here won't stir up anny tumult in Paris
+this year. Th' chances ar-re th' prisidint won't know they're there, an'
+no wan'll speak to thim but a cab dhriver, an' he'll say: 'Th' fare fr'm
+th' Changs All Easy to th' Roo de Roo is eighteen thousan' francs, but
+I'll take ye there f'r what ye have in ye-er pockets.'"
+
+"The millyonaire that goes over there to see th' piled up riches iv th'
+wurruld in sausage-makin' 'll take a look ar-round him an' he'll say to
+th' first polisman he meets: 'Gossoon, this is a fine show an' I know
+yon palace is full to th' seams with chiny-ware an' washtubs, but wud ye
+be so kind, mong brav', as to p'int out with ye-er club th' partic'lar
+house where th' houris fr'm th' sultan's harem dances so well without
+the aid iv th' human feet?' I know how it was whin we had th' fair here.
+I had th' best intintions in th' wurruld to find out what I ought
+to have larned fr'm me frind Armour, how with th' aid iv Gawdgiven
+machinery ye can make a bedstead, a pianola, a dozen whisk-brooms, a
+barrel iv sour mash whisky, a suit iv clothes, a lamp chimbly, a wig,
+a can iv gunpowdher, a bah'rl iv nails, a prisidintial platform, an' a
+bur-rdcage out iv what remains iv th' cow-I was detarmined to probe
+into th' wondhers iv science, an' I started fair f'r th' machinery hall.
+Where did I bring up, says ye? In th' fr-ront seat iv a playhouse with
+me eye glued on a lady iv th' sultan's coort, near Brooklyn bridge,
+thryin' to twisht out iv hersilf."
+
+"No, Hinnissy, they'll be manny things larned be Americans that goes to
+Paris, but they won't be about th' 'convarsion iv boots into food, or
+vicey varsa,' as Hogan says. An' that's r-right. If I wint over there
+'tis little time I'd be spindin' thryin' to discover how th' wondhers iv
+mechanical janius are projooced that makes livin' so much more healthy
+an' oncomfortable. But whin I got to Paris I'd hire me a hack or a dhray
+painted r-red, an' I'd put me feet out th' sides an' I'd say to th'
+dhriver: 'Rivolutionist, pint ye-er horse's head to'rds th'home iv th'
+skirt dance, hit him smartly, an' go to sleep. I will see th' snow-plow
+show an' th' dentisthry wurruk in th' pa-apers. F'r th' prisint I'll
+devote me attintion to makin' a noise in th' sthreets an' studyin' human
+nature.'"
+
+"Ye'd be a lively ol' buck over there," said Mr. Hennessy, admiringly.
+'"Tis a good thing ye can't go."
+
+"It is so," said Mr. Dooley. "I'm glad I have no millyonaire rilitives
+to be depindent on me f'r support whin th' show's over."
+
+
+
+
+CHRISTIAN JOURNALISM
+
+
+"I see," said Mr. Dooley, "that th' la-ad out in Kansas that thried to
+r-run a paper like what th' Lord wud r-run if he had lived in Topeka,
+has thrun up th' job."
+
+"Sure, I niver heerd iv him," said Mr. Hennessy.
+
+"Well, 'twus this way with him," Mr. Dooley explained. "Ye see, he
+didn't like th' looks iv th' newspapers. He got tired iv r-readin'
+how many rows iv plaits Mrs. Potther Pammer had on th' las' dhress she
+bought, an' whether McGovern oughtn't to go into th' heavy-weight class
+an' fight Jeffries, an' he says, says th' la-ad, 'This is no right
+readin' f'r th' pure an' passionless youth iv Kansas,' he says. 'Give
+me,' he says, 'a chanst an' I'll projooce th' kind iv organ that'd be
+got out in hiven,' he says, 'price five cints a copy,' he says, 'f'r
+sale be all newsdealers; f'r advertisin' rates consult th' cashier,' he
+says. So a man in Topeka that had a newspaper, he says: 'I will not be
+behindhand,' he says, 'in histin' Kansas up fr'm its prisint low an'
+irrellijous position,' he says. 'I don't know how th' inhabitants iv th'
+place ye refer to is fixed,' he says, 'f'r newspapers,' he says, 'an' I
+niver heerd iv annybody fr'm Kansas home-stakin' there,' he says, 'but
+if ye'll attind to th' circulation iv thim parts,' he says, 'I'll see
+that th' paper is properly placed in th' hands iv th' vile an' wicked iv
+this earth, where,' he says, 'th' returns ar-re more quick,' he says."
+
+"Well, th' la-ad wint at it, an' 'twas a fine paper he made. Hogan was
+in here th' other day with a copy iv it an' I r-read it. I haven't had
+such a lithry threat since I was a watchman on th' canal f'r a week with
+nawthin' to r-read but th' delinquent tax list an' the upper half iv a
+weather map. 'Twas gran'. Th' editor, it seems, Hinnissy, wint into th'
+editoryal rooms iv th' pa-aper an' he gathered th' force around him fr'm
+their reg'lar jobs in th' dhrug stores, an' says he, 'Gintlemen,' he
+says, 'tell me ye'er plans f'r to enoble this here Christyan publication
+f'r to-day!' he says. 'Well,' says th' horse rayporther, 'they's
+a couple iv rabbits goin' to sprint around th' thrack at th' fair
+groun's,' he says. I think 'twud be a good thing f'r rellijon if ye'd
+lind me tin that I might br-reak th' sin-thralled bookys that come down
+here fr'm Kansas City f'r to skin th' righteous,' he says. 'No,' says
+th' editor, he says, 'no horse racin' in this paper,' he says. ''Tis
+th' roonation iv th' young, an' ye can't beat it,' he says. 'An' you,
+fair-haired youth,' he says, 'what d'ye do that makes ye'er color so
+good an' ye'er eye so bright?' 'I,' says th' la-ad, 'am th' boy that
+writes th' fightin' dope,' he says. 'They'se a couple iv good wans on
+at th' op'ra house to-night, an' if his Spiklets don't tin-can 'tis like
+findin' money in an ol' coat that--' 'Fightin',' says th' editor, 'is
+a crool an' onchristyan spoort,' he says. 'Instead iv chroniclin' th'
+ruffyanism iv these misguided wretches that weigh in at th' ringside at
+125 poun's, an' I see in a pa-aper I r-read in a barber shop th' other
+day that Spike's gone away back--what's that I'm sayin'? Niver mind.
+D'ye go down to th' home iv th' Rivrind Aloysius Augustus Morninbinch
+an'interview him on th' question iv man's co-operation with grace in
+conversion. Make a nice chatty article about it an' I'll give ye a copy
+iv wan iv me books.' 'I will,' says th' la-ad, 'if he don't swing on
+me,' he says. The editor thin addhressed th' staff. 'Gintlemen,' he
+says, 'I find that th' wurruk ye've been accustomed to doin',' he says,
+'is calc'lated f'r to disthroy th' morality an' debase th' home life
+iv Topeka, not to mintion th' surroundin' methrolopuses iv Valencia,
+Wanamaker, Sugar Works, Paxico an' Snokomo,' he says. 'Th' newspaper,
+instead iv bein' a pow'rful agent f'r th' salvation iv mankind, has
+become something that they want to r-read,' he says. 'Ye can all go
+home,' he says. 'I'll stay here an' write th' paper mesilf,' he
+says. 'I'm th' best writer ar-round here, annyhow, an' I'll give thim
+something that'll prepare thim f'r death,' he says.
+
+"An' he did, Hinnissy, he did. 'Twas a gran' paper. They was an article
+on sewerage an' wan on prayin' f'r rain, an' another on muni-cipal
+ownership iv gas tanks, an' wan to show that they niver was a good
+milker ownded be a pro-fane man. They was pomes, too, manny iv thim, an'
+fine wans: 'Th' Man with th' Shovel,' 'Th' Man with th' Pick, 'Th' Man
+with th' Cash-Raygisther,' 'Th' Man with th' Snow Plow,' 'Th' Man
+with th' Bell Punch,' 'Th' Man with th' Skate,' 'Th' Man with No Kick
+Comin'.' Fine pothry, th' editor askin' who pushed this here man's
+forehead back an' planed down his chin, who made him wear clothes that
+didn't fit him and got him a job raisin' egg-plant f'r th' monno-polists
+in Topeka at a dollar a day. A man in th' editor's position ought
+to know, but he didn't, so he ast in th'pomes. An' th' advertisin',
+Hinnissy! I'd be scandalized f'r to go back readin' th' common
+advertisin' in th' vile daily press about men's pantings, an'
+DoesannyoneknowwhereIcangeta biscuit, an' In th' spring a young man's
+fancy lightly turns to Pocohontas plug, not made be th' thrusts.
+Th' editor left thim sacrilegious advertisements f'r his venal
+contimp'raries. His was pious an' nice: 'Do ye'er smokin' in this
+wurruld. Th' Christyan Unity Five-Cint See-gar is made out iv th' finest
+grades iv excelsior iver projooced in Kansas!' 'Nebuchednezzar grass
+seed, f'r man an' beast.' 'A handful iv meal in a barrel an' a little
+ile in a curse. Swedenborgian bran fried in kerosene makes th' best
+breakfast dish in th' wurruld.' 'Twus nice to r-read. It made a man feel
+as if he was in church--asleep."
+
+"How did th'pa-aper sthrike th' people?" says ye. "Oh, it sthruck thim
+good. Says th' Topeka man, skinnin' over th' gossip about Christyan
+citizenship an' th' toolchest iv pothry: 'Eliza, here's a good paper, a
+fine wan, f'r ye an' th' childher. Sind Tommy down to th' corner an' get
+me a copy iv th' Polis Gazette.'"
+
+"Ye see, Hinnissy, th' editor wint to th' wrong shop f'r what Hogan
+calls his inspiration. Father Kelly was talkin' it over with me, an'
+says he: 'They ain't anny news in bein' good. Ye might write th' doin's
+iv all th' convents iv th' wurruld on th' back iv a postage stamp,
+an' have room to spare. Supposin' ye took out iv a newspaper all th'
+murdhers, an' suicides, an' divorces, an elopements, an' fires, an'
+disease, an' war, an' famine,' he says, 'ye wudden't have enough left
+to keep a man busy r-readin' while he rode ar-roun' th' block on th'
+lightnin' express. No,' he says, 'news is sin an' sin is news, an'
+I'm worth on'y a line beginnin': "Kelly, at the parish-house, April
+twinty-sicond, in th' fiftieth year iv his age," an' pay f'r that, while
+Scanlan's bad boy is good f'r a column anny time he goes dhrunk an'
+thries to kill a polisman. A rellijious newspaper? None iv thim f'r me.
+I want to know what's goin' on among th' murdher an' burglary set. Did
+ye r-read it?' he says. 'I did,' says I. 'What did ye think iv it?' says
+he. 'I know,' says I, 'why more people don't go to church,' says I."
+
+
+
+
+THE ADMIRAL'S CANDIDACY
+
+
+"I see," said Mr. Hennessy, "that Dewey is a candydate f'r prisidint."
+
+"Well, sir," said Mr. Dooley, "I hope to hiven he won't get it. No
+rilitive iv mine iver held a pollytical job barrin' mesilf. I was
+precint captain, an' wan iv th' best they was in thim days, if I do
+say so that shudden't. I was called Cap f'r manny years aftherward, an'
+I'd've joined th' Gr-rand Army iv th' Raypublic if it hadn't been f'r me
+poor feet. Manny iv me rilitives has been candydates, but they niver cud
+win out again th' r-rest iv th' fam'ly. 'Tis so with Cousin George. I'm
+again him. I've been a rayspictable saloon-keeper f'r forty years in
+this ward, an' I'll not have th' name dhragged into pollytics."
+
+"Iv coorse, I don't blame Cousin George. I'm with him f'r annything
+else in th' gift iv th' people, fr'm a lovin'-cup to a house an' lot. He
+don't mean annything be it. Did ye iver see a sailor thryin' to ride a
+horse? 'Tis a comical sight. Th' reason a sailor thries to ride a horse
+is because he niver r-rode wan befure. If he knew annything about it he
+wouldn't do it. So be Cousin George. Afther he'd been over here awhile
+an' got so 'twas safe f'r him to go out without bein' torn to pieces f'r
+soovenirs or lynched be a mob, he took a look ar-round him an' says
+he to a polisman: 'What's th' governmint iv this counthry?' 'Tis
+a raypublic,' says th' polisman. 'What's th' main guy called?' says
+George. 'He's called prisidint,' says th' polisman. 'Is it a good job?'
+says Cousin George. ''Tis betther thin thravelin' beat,' says th' bull.
+'What's th' la-ad's name that's holdin' it now?' says Cousin George.
+'Mack,' says th' cop. 'Irish?' says George. 'Cross,' says th' elbow.
+'Where fr'm?' says George. 'Ohio,' says the peeler. 'Where's that?' says
+George. 'I dinnaw,' says th' bull. An' they parted th' best iv frinds."
+
+"'Well,'" says George to himsilf, "'I guess I'll have to go up an' have a
+look at this la-ad's place,' he says, 'an' if it looks good,' he says,
+'p'raps I cud nail it,' he says. An' he goes up an' sees Mack dictatin'
+his Porther Rickyan policy to a kinetoscope, an' it looks like a
+nice employmint f'r a spry man, an' he goes back home an' sinds f'r a
+rayporther, an' says he: 'I always believe since I got home in dealin'
+frankly with th' press. I haven't seen manny papers since I've been
+at sea, but whin I was a boy me father used to take the Montpelier
+Paleejum. 'Twas r-run be a man be th' name iv Horse Clamback. He was
+quite a man whin sober. Ye've heerd iv him, no doubt. But what I ast ye
+up here f'r was to give ye a item that ye can write up in ye'er own way
+an' hand to th' r-rest iv th' boys. I'm goin' to be prisidint. I like
+th' looks iv the job an' nobody seems to care f'r it, an' I've got so
+blame tired since I left th' ship that if I don't have somethin' to do
+I'll go crazy,' he says. 'I wisht ye'd make a note iv it an' give it to
+th' other papers,' he says. 'Ar-re ye a raypublican or a dimmycrat?'
+says the rayporter. 'What's that?' says Cousin George. 'D'ye belong to
+th' raypublican or th' dimmycrat party?' 'What ar-re they like?' says
+Cousin George. 'Th' raypublicans ar-re in favor iv expansion.' 'Thin I'm
+a raypublican.' 'Th' dim-mycrats ar-re in favor iv free thrade.' 'Thin
+I'm a dimmycrat.' 'Th' raypublicans ar-re f'r upholdin' th' goold
+standard.' 'So'm I. I'm a raypublican there.' 'An' they're opposed to an
+income tax.' 'On that,' says Cousin George, 'I'm a dimmycrat. I tell
+ye, put me down as a dimmycrat. Divvle th' bit I care. Just say I'm
+a dimmycrat with sthrong raypublican leanings. Put it this way: I'm
+a dimmycrat, be a point raypublican, dimmycrat. Anny sailor man'll
+undherstand that.' 'What'll I say ye'er platform is?' 'Platform?' 'Ye
+have to stand on a platform.' 'I do, do I? Well, I don't. I'll stand on
+no platform, an' I'll hang on no sthrap. What d'ye think th'prisidincy
+is--a throlley car? No, sir, whin ye peek in th' dure to sell ye'er
+paper ye'll see ye'er Uncle George settin' down comfortable with his
+legs crossed, thrippin' up annywan that thries to pass him. Go out now
+an' write ye'er little item, f'r 'tis late an' all hands ar-re piped to
+bed,' he says."
+
+"An' there ye ar-re. Well, sir, 'tis a hard year Cousin George has in
+store f'r him. Th' first thing he knows he'll have to pay f'r havin' his
+pitchers in th' pa-aper. Thin he'll larn iv siv'ral prevyous convictions
+in Vermont. Thin he'll discover that they was no union label on th'
+goods he delivered at Manila. 'Twill be pointed out be careful observers
+that he was ilicted prisidint iv th' A. P. A. be th' Jesuits. Thin
+somewan'll dig up that story about his not feelin' anny too well th'
+mornin' iv th' fight, an' ye can imajine th' pitchers they'll print, an'
+th' jokes that'll be made, an' th' songs: 'Dewey Lost His Appetite at
+th' Battle iv Manila. Did McKinley Iver Lose His?' An' George'll wake
+up th' mornin' afther iliction an' he'll have a sore head an' a sorer
+heart, an' he'll find that th' on'y support he got was fr'm th' goold
+dimmycratic party, an' th' chances ar-re he caught cold fr'm goin'
+out without his shawl an' cudden't vote. He'll find that a man can be
+r-right an' be prisidint, but he can't be both at th' same time. An'
+he'll go down to breakfast an' issue Gin'ral Ordher Number Wan, 'To All
+Superyor Officers Commandin' Admirals iv th' United States navy at home
+or on foreign service: If anny man mintions an admiral f'r prisidint,
+hit him in th' eye an' charge same to me.' An' thin he'll go to his
+office an' prepare a plan f'r to capture Dublin, th' capital iv England,
+whin th' nex' war begins. An' he'll spind th' r-rest iv his life thryin'
+to live down th' time he was a candydate."
+
+"Well, be hivins, I think if Dewey says he's a dimmycrat an' Joyce is
+with him, I'll give him a vote," said Mr. Hennessy. "It's no sin to be a
+candydate f'r prisidint."
+
+"No," said Mr. Dooley. "Tis sometimes a misfortune an' sometimes a joke.
+But I hope ye won't vote f'r him. He might be ilicted if ye did. I'd
+like to raymimber him, an' it might be I cudden't if he got th' job. Who
+was the prisidint befure Mack? Oh, tubby sure!"
+
+
+
+
+CUSTOMS OF KENTUCKY
+
+
+"Well, sir," said Mr. Dooley, "'tis good to see that th' gloryous ol'
+commonwealth iv Kentucky is itsilf again."
+
+"How's that?" asked Mr. Hennessy.
+
+"F'r some time past," said Mr. Dooley, "they's been nawthin' doin'
+that'd make a meetin' iv th' Epworth League inthrestin'. Th' bystanders
+in Kentucky has been as safe as a journeyman highwayman in Chicago.
+Perfectly innocent an' unarmed men wint into th' state an' come out
+again without a bullethole in their backs. It looked f'r awhile as if
+th' life iv th' ordn'ry visitor was goin' to be as harmless in Kentucky
+as in Utah, th' home iv th' desthroyers iv American domestic life. I
+dinnaw why it was, whether it was th' influence iv our new citizens in
+Cubia an' th' Ph'lippeens or what it was, but annyhow th' on'y news that
+come out iv Kentucky was as peaceful, Hinnissy, as th' rayports iv a
+bloody battle in South Africa. But Kentucky, as Hogan says, was not dead
+but on'y sleepin'. Th' other day that gran' ol' state woke up through
+two iv its foremost rapid firin' citizens."
+
+"They met be chanst in a hotel con-tagious to a bar. Colonel Derringer
+was settin' in a chair peacefully fixin' th' hammer iv his forty-four
+Colt gun, presinted to him be his constitooents on th' occasion iv his
+mim'rable speech on th' nicissity iv spreadin' th' civilization iv th'
+United States to th' ends iv th' wur-ruld. Surroundin' him was Major
+Bullseye, a well-known lawyer, cattle-raiser an' journalist iv Athens,
+Bulger County, whose desthruction iv Captain Cassius Glaucus Wiggins at
+th' meetin' iv' th' thrustees in th' Sicond Baptist Church excited
+so much comment among spoortin' men three or four years ago, Gin'ral
+Rangefinder iv Thebes, Colonel Chivvy iv Sparta, who whittled Major
+Lycurgus Gam iv Thermopylae down to th' wishbone at th' anti-polygamist
+meetin' las' June, an' other well-known gintlemen."
+
+"Th' party was suddenly confronted be Major Lyddite iv Carthage an'
+a party iv frinds who were in town for th' purpose iv protectin' th'
+suffrage again' anny pollution but their own. Colonel Derringer an'
+Major Lyddite had been inimies f'r sivral months, iver since Major
+Lyddite in an attimpt to desthroy wan iv his fellow-citizens killed a
+cow belongin' to th' janial Colonel. Th' two gintlemen had sworn f'r to
+slay each other at sight or thirty days, an' all Kentucky society
+has been on what Hogan calls th' _quee veev_ or look-out f'r another
+thrajeedy to be added to th' long list iv sim'lar ivints that marks th'
+histhry iv th' Dark an' Bloody Groun'--which is a name given to Kentucky
+be her affectionate sons."
+
+{Illustration}
+
+
+"Without a wur-rud or a bow both gintlemen dhrew on each other an'
+begun a deadly fusillade. That is, Hinnissy, they begun shootin' at
+th' bystanders. I'll tell ye what th' pa-apers said about it. Th' two
+antagonists was in perfect form an' well sustained th' reputation iv th'
+state f'r acc'rate workmanship. Colonel Derringer's first shot caught a
+boot an' shoe drummer fr'm Chicago square in th' back amid consid'rable
+applause. Major Lyddite tied th' scoor be nailin' a scrubwoman on th'
+top iv a ladder. Th' man at th' traps sprung a bell boy whom th' Colonel
+on'y winged, thus goin' back wan, but his second barrel brought down a
+book-canvasser fr'm New York, an' this bein' a Jew man sint him ahead
+three. Th' Major had an aisy wan f'r th' head waiter, nailin' him just
+as he jumped into a coal hole. Four all. Th' Colonel thried a difficult
+polisman, lamin' him. Thin th' Major turned his attintion to his own
+frinds, an' made three twos in succession. Th' Colonel was not so
+forch'nate. He caught Major Bullseye an' Captain Wiggins, but Gin'ral
+Rangefinder was safe behind a barber's pole an' Colonel Chivvy fluttered
+out iv range. Thus th' scoor was tin to six at th' conclusion iv th'
+day's spoort in favor iv Major Lyddite. Unforchnately th' gallant Major
+was onable f'r to reap th' reward iv his excellent marksmanship, f'r in
+a vain indeavor f'r a large scoor, he chased th' barber iv th' sicond
+chair into th' street, an' there slippin' on a banana peel, fell an'
+sustained injuries fr'm which he subsequently died. In him th' counthry
+loses a valu'ble an' acc'rate citizen, th' state a lile an' rapid firin'
+son, an' society a leadin' figure, his meat-market an' grocery bein' wan
+iv th' largest outside iv Minerva. Some idee iv th' acc'racy iv th'
+fire can be gained fr'm th' detailed scoor, as follows: Lyddite, three
+hearts, wan lung, wan kidney, five brains. Derringer, four hearts,
+two brains. This has seldom been excelled. Among th' minor casualties
+resultin' fr'm this painful but delightful soiree was th' followin':
+Erastus Haitch Muggins, kilt be jumpin' fr'm th' roof; Blank Cassidy,
+hide an' pelt salesman fr'm Chicago, burrid undher victims; Captain
+Epaminondas Lucius Quintus Cassius Marcellus Xerxes Cyrus Bangs of
+Hoganpolis, Hamilcar Township, Butseen County, died iv hear-rt disease
+whin his scoor was tied. Th' las' named was a prominent leader in
+society, a crack shot an' a gintleman iv th' ol' school without fear an'
+without reproach. His son succeeds to his lunch car. Th' others don't
+count."
+
+"'Twas a gr-reat day f'r Kentucky, Hinnissy, an' it puts th' gran'
+ol' state two or three notches ahead iv anny sim'lar community in th'
+wur-ruld. Talk about th' Boer war an' th' campaign in th' Ph'lippeens!
+Whin Kentucky begins f'r to shoot up her fav'rite sons they'll be more
+blood spilled thin thim two play wars'd spill between now an' th' time
+whin Ladysmith's relieved f'r th' las' time an' Agynaldoo is r-run up
+a three in th' outermost corner iv Hoar County, state iv Luzon. They'se
+rale shootin' in Kentucky, an' whin it begins ivrybody takes a hand.
+'Tis th' on'y safe way. If ye thry to be an onlooker an' what they calls
+a non-combatant 'tis pretty sure ye'll be taken home to ye'er fam'ly
+lookin' like a cribbage-boord. So th' thing f'r ye to do is to be wan iv
+th' shooters ye'ersilf, load up ye'er gun an' whale away f'r th' honor
+iv ye'er counthry."
+
+"'Tis a disgrace," said Mr. Hennessy. "Where were th' polis?"
+
+"This was not th' place f'r a polisman," said Mr. Dooley. "I suspict
+though, fr'm me knowledge iv th' kind iv man that uses firear-rms that
+if some wan'd had th' prisence iv mind to sing out 'They'se a man at th'
+bar that offers to buy dhrinks f'r th' crowd,' they'd be less casu'lties
+fr'm bullets, though they might be enough people kilt in th' r-rush to
+even it up. But whin I read about these social affairs in Kentucky, I
+sometimes wish some spool cotton salesman fr'm Matsachoosets, who'd
+be sure to get kilt whin th' shootin' begun, wud go down there with a
+baseball bat an' begin tappin' th' gallant gintlemen on th' head befure
+breakfast an' in silf definse. I'll bet ye he'd have thim jumpin'
+through thransoms in less thin two minyits, f'r ye can put this down as
+thrue fr'm wan that's seen manny a shootin', that a man, barrin' he's a
+polisman, on'y dhraws a gun whin he's dhrunk or afraid. Th' gun fighter,
+Hinnissy, tin to wan is a cow'rd."
+
+"That's so," said Mr. Hennessy. "But it don't do to take anny chances
+on."
+
+"No," said Mr. Dooley, "he might be dhrunk."
+
+
+
+
+A SOCIETY SCANDAL
+
+
+"Well, sir, I guess I'm not up on etiket," said Mr. Dooley.
+
+"How's that?" demanded Mr. Hennessy.
+
+"I've been readin' about Willum Waldorf Asthor," replied Mr. Dooley,
+"an' th' throuble he had with a la-ad that bummed his way into his
+party. Ye see, Hinnissy, Willum Waldorf Asthor give a party at his
+large an' commodjious house in London. That's where he lives--in
+London--though he r-runs a hotel in New York, where ye can see half th'
+state iv Ioway near anny night, they tell me. Well, he give this party
+on a gran' scale, an' bought gr-reat slathers iv food an' dhrink,
+an' invited th' neighbors an' the neighbors' childher. But wan man he
+wudden't have. He's goin' over th' list iv th' people that's to come,
+an' he says to his sicrety: 'Scratch that boy. Him an' me bump as we
+pass by.' He didn't want this fellow, ye see, Hinnissy. I don't know
+why. They was dissatisfaction between thim; annyhow, he says: 'Scratch
+him,' an' he was out iv it."
+
+"Well, wan night, th' fellow was settin' down f'r a bite to eat with
+Lady O----, an' Lady S----, an' Lady G----, an' Lady Y----, an' other
+ladies that had lost their names, an' says wan iv thim, 'Cap,' she says,
+'ar-re ye goin' to Asthor's doin's tonight?' she says. 'Not that I know
+iv,' says th' Cap. 'He hasn't sint me anny wurrud that I'm wanted,' he
+says. 'What differ does it make,' says th' lady. 'Write an invitation
+f'r ye'rsilf on ye'er cuff an' come along with us,' says she. 'I'll do
+it,' says the Cap, an' he sint f'r an automobile an' goes along.
+
+"Well, ivrything was all r-right f'r awhile, an' th' Cap was assaultin'
+a knuckle iv ham an' a shell iv beer, whin Willum Waldorf Asthor comes
+up an' taps him on th' shoulder an' says: 'Duck.' 'What name?' says
+th' Cap. 'Asthor,' says Willum. 'Oh,' says th' Cap, 'ye're th' American
+gazabo that owns this hut,' he says. 'I am,' says Willum. 'I can't go,'
+says th' Cap. 'Ye didn't ask me here an' ye can't sind me away,' he
+says. 'Gossoon, another shell iv malt, an' dhraw it more slow,' he says.
+'I am an English gintleman an' I know me rights,' he says. 'Dure or
+window,' says Willum. 'Take ye'er choice,' he says. 'If ye insist,' says
+th' Cap, 'I'll take th' dure,' he says, 'but ye don't know th' customs
+iv civilization,' he says; an' th' hired man just grazed him on th' dure
+sthep.
+
+"Well, Willum Waldorf Asthor was that mad, he wint down to his pa-aper
+office, an' says he, 'I want to put in an item,' he says, an' he put
+it in. 'It is wished,' he says, 'to be apprihinded,' he says, 'be those
+desirous not to have been misinformed,' he says, 'concarnin' th' recent
+appearance iv Cap Sir Mills at me party,' he says, 'that 'twas not be me
+that said Cap Sir Mills come to be on th' site,' he says, 'but rather,'
+he says, 'through a desire on th' part iv Cap Sir Mills to butt into a
+party to which his invitation was lost about three hours befure 'twas
+written,' he says."
+
+"Well, now, ye'd think that was all right, wudden't ye? Ye'd say Asthor
+acted mild whin he didn't take down his goold ice pick from th' wall
+an' bate th' Cap over th' head. Th' Cap, though a ganial soul, had no
+business there. 'Twas Willum Waldorf Asthor that paid f'r the ice cream
+an' rented th' chiny. But that's where ye'd be wrong, an' that's where I
+was wrong. Whin th' Prince iv Wales heerd iv it he was furyous. 'What,'
+he says, 'is an English gintleman goin' to be pegged out iv dures be a
+mere American be descent?' he says. 'A man,' he says, 'that hasn't
+an entail to his name,' he says. 'An American's home in London is an
+Englishman's castle,' he says. 'As th' late Earl iv Pitt said, th'
+furniture may go out iv it, th' constable may enther, th' mortgage may
+fall on th' rooned roof, but a thrue Englishman'll niver leave,' he
+says, 'while they'se food an' dhrink,' he says. 'Willum Waldorf Asthor
+has busted th' laws iv hospitality, an' made a monkey iv a lile subjick
+iv th' queen,' he says. 'Hinceforth,' he says, 'he's ast to no picnics
+iv th' Buckingham Palace Chowder Club,' he says. An' th' nex' day Willum
+Waldorf Asthor met him at th' races where he was puttin' down a bit iv
+money an' spoke to him, an' th' Prince iv Wales gave him wan in th' eye.
+He must've had something in his hand, f'r the pa-aper said he cut him.
+P'raps 'twas his scipter. An' now no wan'll speak to Willum Waldorf
+Asthor, an' he's not goin' to be a jook at all, an' he may have to come
+back here an' be nachurlized over again like a Bohamian. He's all broke
+up about it. He's gone to Germany to take a bath."
+
+"Lord, help us," said Mr. Hennessy, "can't he get wan nearer home?"
+
+"It seems not," said Mr. Dooley. "Mebbe the Prince iv Wales has had th'
+wather cut off. He has a big pull with th' people in th' city hall."
+
+
+
+
+DOINGS OF ANARCHISTS
+
+
+"Why should anny man want to kill a king?" said Mr. Dooley. "That's what
+I'd like to know. Little gredge have I again' anny monarch in th' deck.
+Live an' let live's me motto. Th' more ye have in this wurruld th' less
+ye have. Make in wan place, lose in another's th' rule, me boy. Little
+joy, little sorrow. Takin' it all an' all I'd rather be where I am thin
+on a throne, an' be th' look iv things I'll have me wish. 'Tis no aisy
+job bein' a king barrin' th' fact that ye don't have to marry th' woman
+iv ye'er choice but th' woman iv somebody else's. 'Tis like takin' a
+conthract an' havin' th' union furnish th' foreman an' th' mateeryal.
+Thin if th' wurruk ain't good a wild-eyed man fr'm Paterson, Noo Jarsey,
+laves his monkey an' his hand organ an' takes a shot at ye. Thank
+th' Lord I'm not so big that anny man can get comfort fr'm pumpin' a
+Winchester at me fr'm th' top iv a house."
+
+"But if I was king ne'er an organ grinder'd get near enough me to take
+me life with a Hotchkiss gun. I'd be so far away fr'm the multitood,
+Hinnissy, that they cud on'y distinguish me rile features with a
+spy-glass. I'd have polismen at ivry tur-rn, an' I'd have me subjicks
+retire to th' cellar whin I took me walk. Divvle a bit wud you catch me
+splattherin' mesilf with morthar an' stickin' newspapers in a hole in a
+corner shtone to show future gin'rations th' progress iv crime in
+this cinchry. They'd lay their own corner-shtone f'r all iv me. I'd
+communicate with th' pop'lace be means iv ginral ordhers, an' I'd make
+it a thing worth tellin' about to see th' face iv th' gr-reat an' good
+King Dooley."
+
+"Kings is makin' thimsilves too common. Nowadays an arnychist dhrops
+into a lunch-room at th' railroad depot an' sees a man settin' on a
+stool atin' a quarther section iv a gooseb'ry pie an' dhrinkin' a glass
+iv buttermilk. 'D'ye know who that is?' says th' lunch-counter lady.
+'I do not,' says th' arnychist, 'but be th' look iv him he ain't much.'
+'That's th' king,' says th' lady. 'Th' king, is it,' says th' arnychist.
+'Thin here's f'r wan king less,' he says, an' 'tis all over. A king
+ought to be a king or he oughtn't. He don't need to be a good mixer. If
+he wants to hang on he must keep out iv range. 'Tis th' kings an' queens
+that thrusts so much in th' lilety iv their people that they live in
+summer resort hotels an' go out walkin' with a dog that's hurted. Th'
+on'y person that ought to be able to get near enough a rale king to kill
+him is a jook, or th' likes iv that. Th' idee iv a man from Noo Jarsey
+havin' th' chanst!"
+
+{Illustration}
+
+"What on earth's to be done about thim arnychists?" Mr. Hennessy asked.
+"What ails thim annyhow? What do they want?"
+
+"Th' Lord on'y knows," said Mr. Dooley.
+
+"They don't want annything, that's what they want. They want peace on
+earth an' th' way they propose to get it is be murdhrin' ivry man that
+don't agree with thim. They think we all shud do as they please. They're
+down on th' polis foorce an' in favor iv th' pop'lace, an' whin they've
+kilt a king they call on th' polis to save thim fr'm th' mob. An'
+between you an' me, Hinnissy, ivry arnychist I've knowed, an' I've met
+manny in me time, an' quite, law-abidin' citizens they was, too, had th'
+makin' iv a thradeejan in him. If they was no newspapers they'd be few
+arnychists. They want to get their pitchers in th' pa-apers an' they
+can't do it be wheelin' bananas through th' sthreets or milkin' a cow,
+so they go out an' kill a king. I used to know a man be th' name iv
+Schmitt that was a cobbler be profession an' lived next dure but wan to
+me. He was th' dacintist man ye iver see. He kep' a canary bur-rd, an'
+his devotion to his wife was th' scandal iv th' neighborhood. But bless
+my soul, how he hated kings. He cudden't abide Cassidy afther he heerd
+he was a dayscinded fr'm th' kings iv Connock, though Cassidy was what
+ye call a prolotoorio or a talkin' workin'man. An' th' wan king he hated
+above all others was th' king iv Scholizwig-Holstein, which was th'
+barbarous counthry he come fr'm. He cud talk fairly dacint about other
+kings, but this wan--Ludwig was his name an' I seen his pitcher in
+th' pa-apers wanst--wud throw him into a fit. He blamed ivrything that
+happened to Ludwig. If they was a sthrike he charged it to Ludwig.
+If Schwartzmeister didn't pay him f'r half-solin' a pair iv Congress
+gaiters he used to wear in thim days, he tied a sthring arround his
+finger f'r to remind him that he had to kill Ludwig. 'What have ye
+again' th' king?' says I. 'He is an opprissor iv th' poor,' he says.
+'So ar-re ye,' I says, 'or ye'd mend boots free.' 'He's explodin' th'
+prolotoorio,' he says. 'Sure,' says I, 'th' prolotoorio can explode
+thimsilves pretty well,' says I. 'He oughtn't to be allowed to live in
+luxury while others starve,' he says. 'An' wud ye be killin' a man f'r
+holdin' a nice job?' says I. 'What good wud it do ye?' says I. 'I'd be
+th' emancipator iv th' people,' says he. 'Ye'd have th' wurred on th'
+coffin lid,' says I. 'Why,' says he, 'think iv me, Schmitt, Owgoost
+Schmitt, stalkin' forth to avinge th' woes iv th' poor,' he says.
+'Loodwig, th' cursed, goes by. I jumps fr'm behind a three an' society
+is freed fr'm th' monsther,' he says. 'Think iv th' glory iv it,' he
+says. 'Owgoost Schmitt, emancipator,' he says. 'I'll prove to Mary Ann
+that I'm a man,' he says. Mary Ann was his wife. Her maiden name was
+Riley. She heard him say it. 'Gus,' says she, 'if iver I hear iv ye
+shootin' e'er a king I'll lave ye,' she says."
+
+"Well, sir, I thought he was jokin', but be hivins, wan day he
+disappeared, an' lo an' behold, two weeks afther I picks up a pa-aper
+an' r-reads that me brave Schmitt was took up be th' polis f'r thryin'
+to cop a monarch fr'm behind a three. I sint him a copy iv a pa-aper
+with his pitcher in it, but I don't know if iver he got it. He's over
+there now an' his wife is takin' in washin'."
+
+"It's vanity that makes arnychists, Hinnissy--vanity an' th' habits
+kings has nowadays iv bein' as common as life insurance agents."
+
+"I don't like kings," said Mr. Hennessy, "but I like arnychists less.
+They ought to be kilt off as fast as they're caught."
+
+"They'll be that," said Mr. Dooley. "But killin' thim is like wringin'
+th' neck iv a mickrobe."
+
+
+
+
+ANGLO-AMERICAN SPORTS
+
+
+"Hinnissy, if iver we have war with what me frind Carl Schurz'd call th'
+Mother County, it'll not come fr'm anny Vinnyzwalan question. Ye can't
+get me excited over th' throbbin' debate on th' location iv th' Orynocoo
+River or whether th' miners that go to Alaska f'r goold ar're buried be
+th' Canajeen or th' American authorities. Ye bet ye can't. But some
+day we'll be beat in a yacht r-race or done up at futball an' thin what
+Hogan call th' dogs iv war'll break out iv th' kennel an' divastate th'
+wurruld."
+
+"Well," said Mr. Hennessy, complacently, "if we wait f'r that we might
+as well disband our navy."
+
+"I dinnaw about that," said Mr. Dooley, "I dinnaw abut that; afther ye
+left to investigate th' ir'n foundhries an' other pitcheresque roons iv
+this misguided counthry, I wint out to give a few raw rahs f'r me fellow
+colleejens, who was attimptin' to dimonsthrate their supeeryority over
+th' effete scholars iv England at what I see be th' pa-apers is called
+th' Olympian games. Ye get to th' Olympian games be suffocation in
+a tunnel. Whin ye come to, ye pay four shillin's or a dollar in our
+degraded currency, an' stand in th' sun an' look at th' Prince iv Wales.
+Th' Prince iv Wales looks at ye, too, but he don't see ye."
+
+"Me frind, th' American ambassadure was there, an' manny iv th' seats iv
+larnin' in th' gran' stand was occupied be th' flower iv our seminaries
+iv meditation or thought conservatories. I r-read it in th' pa-apers.
+At th' time I come in they was recitin' a pome fr'm th' Greek, to a
+thoughtful-lookin' young profissor wearin' th' star-spangled banner f'r
+a necktie an' smokin' a cigareet. 'Now, boys,' says th' profissor, 'all
+together.' 'Rickety, co-ex, co-ex, hullabaloo, bozoo, bozoo, Harvard,'
+says th' lads. I was that proud iv me belovid counthry that I wanted
+to take off me hat there an' thin an' give th' colledge yell iv th'
+Ar-rchey road reform school. But I was resthrained be a frind iv mine
+that I met comin' over. He was fr'm Matsachoosetts, an' says he:
+'Don't make a disturbance,' he says. 'We've got to create a fav'rable
+impression here,' he says, 'Th' English,' he says, 'niver shows
+enthusyasm,' he says. 'Tis regarded as unpolite,' he says. 'If ye yell,'
+he says, 'they'll think we want to win,' he says, 'an' we didn't come
+over here to win,' he says. 'Let us show thim,' he says, 'that we're
+gintlemen, be it iver so painful,' he says. An' I resthrained mesilf be
+puttin' me fist in me mouth."
+
+{Illustration}
+
+"They was an Englishman standin' behind me, Hinnissy, an' he was a
+model iv behaviour f'r all Americans intindin' to take up their homes in
+Cubia. Ye cudden't get this la-ad war-rmed up if ye built a fire undher
+him. He had an eye-glass pinned to his face an' he niver even smiled
+whin a young gintleman fr'm Harvard threw a sledge hammer wan mile, two
+inches. A fine la-ad, that Harvard man, but if throwin' th' hammer's
+spoort, thin th' rowlin' mills is th' athletic cintre iv our belovid
+counthry. Whin an Englishman jumped further thin another la-ad, me frind
+th' Ice-box, says he: 'H'yah, h'yah!' So whin an American la-ad lept up
+in th' air as though he'd been caught be th' anchor iv a baloon, I says:
+'H'yah, h'yah!' too. Whin a sign iv th' effete aristocracy iv England
+done up sivral free-bor-rn Americans fr'm Boston in a fut r-race, me
+frind the Farthest North, he grabs his wan glass eye an' says he: 'Well
+r-run, Cambridge!' he says; 'Well r-run,' he says. An' 'Well r-run,
+whativer colledge ye're fr'm,' says I, whin wan iv our la-ads jumped
+over a fence ahead iv some eager but consarvative English scholars."
+
+"Well, like a good game, it come three an' three. Three times had
+victhry perched upon our banner an' thrice--I see it in th' pa-aper--had
+th' flag iv th' mother counthry proclaimed that Englishmen can r-run. It
+was thryin' on me narves an' I wanted to yell whin th' tie was r-run
+off but th' man fr'm Matsachoosetts says: 'Contain ye'ersilf,' he says.
+'Don't allow ye'er frinzied American spirit to get away with ye'er
+manners,' he says. 'Obsarve.' he says, 'th' ca'm with which our brother
+Anglo-Saxon views th' scene,' he says. 'Ah!' he says, 'they're off
+an' be th' jumpin' George Wash'nton, I bet ye that fellow fr'm West
+Newton'll make that red-headed, long-legged, bread-ballasted Englishman
+look like thirty cints. 'Hurroo,' he says. 'Go on, Harvard,' he says.
+'Go on,' he says. 'Rah, rah, rah,' he says. 'Ate him up, chew him up,'
+he says. 'Harvard!' he says."
+
+"I looked ar-round at th' ca'm dispassyonate Englishman. He dhropped his
+eye-glass so he cud see th' race an' he had his cane in th' air. 'Well
+r-run,' he says. 'Well r-run, Cambridge,' he says. 'Pull him down,'
+he says. 'Run over him,' he says. 'Thrip him up,' he says. 'They can't
+r-run,' he says, 'except whin they're Ph'lipinos behind thim,' he says.
+'Well r-run,' he says, an' he welted th' man fr'm Matsachoosetts with
+his cane. 'Be careful what ye're doin' there,' says th' Anglo-Saxon.
+'If it wasn't f'r th' 'liance I'd punch ye'er head off,' he says. 'An','
+says th' ca'm Englishman, 'if it wasn't f'r our common hurtage,' he
+says, 'I'd make ye jump over th' gran' stand,' he says. 'Th' English
+always cud beat us r-runnin',' says the sage iv Matsachoosetts. 'Th'
+Americans start first an' finishes last,' says th' Englishman. An' I had
+to pull thim apart."
+
+"Whether it is that our American colleejans spinds too much iv their
+lung power in provin' their devotion to what Hogan calls their
+Almy Matthers or not, I dinnaw, but annyhow, we had to dhrag th'
+riprisintative iv our branch iv th' Anglo-Saxon an' Boheemyan
+civilization in th' three-mile race fr'm undher two thousand iv our
+cousins or brothers-in-law that was ca'mly an' soberly, but hurridly an'
+noisily chargin' acrost th' thrack to cheer their own man."
+
+"Me frind fr'm Matsachoosets was blue as we winded our way to th'
+sthrangulation railway an' started back f'r home. 'I'm sorry,' he says,
+'to lose me timper,' he says, 'but,' he says, 'afther all th' pretinded
+affection iv these people f'r us,' he says, 'an' afther all we've done
+f'r thim in Alaska an'--an' ivrywhere,' he says, 'an' thim sellin' us
+coal whin they might've sold it to th' Spanyards if th' Spanyards'd
+had th' money,' he says, 'to see th' conduct iv that coarse an' brutal
+Englishman--' 'Th' wan that won th' r-race?' says I. 'Yes,' he says.
+'No, I mean th' wan that lammed me with his cane,' he says. 'If it
+hadn't been,' he says, 'that we're united,' he says, 'be a common
+pathrimony,' he says, 'I'd've had his life,' he says. 'Ye wud so,' says
+I, 'an' ye're r-right,' I says. 'If all th' la-ads enthered into th'
+r-races with th' same spirit ye show now,' I says, 'th' English flag'd
+be dhroopin' fr'm th' staff, an' Cyrus Bodley iv Wadham, Mass.,'d be
+paintin' th' stars an' sthripes on th' Nelson monnymint,' I says. 'Whin
+we hated th' English,' I says, 'an' a yacht r-race was li'ble to end in
+a war message fr'm the prisidint, we used to bate thim,' I says. 'Now,'
+says I, 'whin we're afraid to injure their feelin's,' I says, 'an' whin
+we 'pologise befure we punch, they bate us,' I says. 'They're used to
+'pologisin' with wan hand an' punchin' with th' other,' I says. 'Th'
+on'y way is th' way iv me cousin Mike,' I says. 'He was a gr-reat
+rassler an' whin he had a full Nelson on th' foolish man that wint again
+him, he used to say, 'Dear me, am I breakin' ye'er neck, I hope so.'"
+
+"But th' Matsachoosetts man didn't see it that way. An' some time, I
+tell ye, Hinnissy, an' Englishman'll put th' shot wan fut further than
+wan iv our men th' Lord save us fr'm th' disgrace!--an' th' next day
+we'll invade Canada."
+
+"We ought to do it, annyhow," said Mr. Hennessy stoutly.
+
+"We wud," said Mr. Dooley, "if we were sure we cud lave it aftherwards."
+
+
+
+
+VOICES FROM THE TOMB
+
+
+"I don't think," said Mr. Dooley, "that me frind Willum Jennings Bryan
+is as good an orator as he was four years ago."
+
+"He's th' grandest talker that's lived since Dan'l O'Connell," said Mr.
+Hennessy.
+
+"Ye've heerd thim all an' ye know," said Mr. Dooley. "But I tell ye he's
+gone back. D'ye mind th' time we wint down to th' Coleesyum an' he come
+out in a black alapaca coat an' pushed into th' air th' finest wurruds
+ye iver heerd spoke in all ye'er bor-rn days? 'Twas a balloon ascinsion
+an' th' las' days iv Pompey an' a blast on th' canal all in wan. I had
+to hold on to me chair to keep fr'm goin' up in th' air, an' I mind that
+if it hadn't been f'r a crack on th' head ye got fr'm a dillygate fr'm
+Westconsin ye'd 've been in th' hair iv Gin'ral Bragg. Dear me, will ye
+iver f'rget it, th' way he pumped it into th' pluthocrats? 'I tell
+ye here an' now,' he says, 'they'se as good business men in th'
+quite counthry graveyards iv Kansas as ye can find in the palathial
+lunch-counthers iv Wall street,' he says. 'Whin I see th' face iv that
+man who looks like a two-dollar pitcher iv Napolyeon at Saint Heleena,'
+he says, 'I say to mesilf, ye shall not--ye shall not'--what th' divvle
+is it ye shall not do, Hinnissy?"
+
+"Ye shall not crucify mankind upon a crown iv thorns," said Mr.
+Hennessy.
+
+"Right ye ar-re, I forgot," Mr. Dooley went on. "Well, thim were his own
+wurruds. He was young an' he wanted something an' he spoke up. He'd been
+a rayporther on a newspaper an' he'd rather be prisidint thin write anny
+longer f'r th' pa-aper, an' he made th' whole iv th' piece out iv his
+own head.
+
+"But nowadays he has tin wurruds f'r Thomas Jefferson an' th' rest iv
+th' sage crop to wan f'r himsilf. 'Fellow-dimmycrats,' he says, 'befure
+goin' anny farther, an' maybe farin' worse, I reluctantly accipt th'
+nommynation f'r prisidint that I have caused ye to offer me,' he says,
+'an' good luck to me,' he says. 'Seein' th' counthry in th' condition
+it is,' he says, 'I cannot rayfuse,' he says. 'I will now lave a subject
+that must be disagreeable to manny iv ye an' speak a few wurruds fr'm
+th' fathers iv th' party, iv whom there ar-re manny,' he says, 'though
+no shame to th' party, f'r all iv that,' he says. 'Thomas Jefferson,
+th' sage iv Monticello, says: "Ye can't make a silk purse out iv a
+sow's ear," a remark that will at wanst recall th' sayin' iv Binjamin
+Franklin, th' sage iv Camden, that "th' fartherest way ar-round is th'
+shortest way acrost." Nawthin' cud be thruer thin that onliss it is th'
+ipygram iv Andhrew Jackson, th' sage iv Syr-acuse, that "a bur-rd in th'
+hand is worth two in th' bush." What gran' wurruds thim ar-re, an' how
+they must torture th' prisint leaders iv th' raypublican party. Sam'l
+Adams, th' sage iv Salem, says: "Laugh an' the wurruld laughs with ye,"
+while Pathrick Hinnery, th' sage iv Jarsey City, puts it that "ye shud
+always bet aces befure th' dhraw." Turnin' farther back into histhry we
+find that Brian Boru, th' sage iv Munsther, said: "Cead mille failthe,"
+an' Joolyus Caesar, th' sage iv Waukeesha, says, "Whin ye're in Rome,
+do th' Romans." Nebuchedneezar--there's a name f'r ye--th' sage iv
+I-dinnaw-where, says: "Ye can't ate ye'er hay an' have it." Solomon, th'
+sage iv Sageville, said, "Whin a man's marrid his throubles begins," an'
+Adam, th' sage iv Eden, put it that "A snake in th' grass is worth two
+in th' boots." Ye'll see be this, me good an' thrue frinds, that th'
+voices fr'm th' tombs is united in wan gran' chorus f'r th' ticket ye
+have nommynated. I will say no more, but on a future occasion, whin I've
+been down in southern Injyanny, I'll tell ye what th' sages an' fathers
+iv th' party in th' Ancient an' Hon'rable Association iv Mound-Builders
+had to say about th' prisint crisis.'"
+
+"'Tisn't Bryan alone, Mack's th' same way. They're both ancesther
+worshippers, like th' Chinese, Hinnissy. An' what I'd like to know is
+what Thomas Jefferson knew about th' throubles iv ye an' me? Divvle a
+wurrud have I to say again' Thomas. He was a good man in his day, though
+I don't know that his battin' av'rage 'd be high again' th' pitchin' iv
+these times. I have a gr-reat rayspict f'r the sages an' I believe
+in namin' sthreets an' public schools afther thim. But suppose Thomas
+Jefferson was to come back here now an' say to himsilf: 'They'se a good
+dimmycrat up in Ar-rchy road an' I think I'll dhrop in on him an' talk
+over th' issues iv th' day.' Well, maybe he cud r-ride his old gray mare
+up an' not be kilt be the throlley cars, an' maybe th' la-ads'd think he
+was crazy an' not murdher him f'r his clothes. An' maybe they wudden't.
+But annyhow, suppose he got here, an' afther he'd fumbled ar-round at
+th' latch--f'r they had sthrings on th' dure in thim days--I let him in.
+Well, whin I've injooced him to take a bowl iv red liquor--f'r in his
+time th' dhrink was white--an' explained how th' seltzer comes out an'
+th' cash raygisther wurruks, an' wather is dhrawn fr'm th' fassit, an'
+gas is lighted fr'm th' burner, an' got him so he wud not bump his head
+again' th' ceilin' ivry time th' beer pump threw a fit--afther that we'd
+talk iv the pollytical situation."
+
+"'How does it go?' says Thomas. 'Well,' says I, 'it looks as though
+Ioway was sure raypublican,' says I. 'Ioway?' says he. 'What's that?'
+says he. 'Ioway,' says I, 'is a state,' says I. 'I niver heerd iv it,'
+says he. 'Faith ye did not,' says I. 'But it's a state just th' same,
+an' full iv corn an' people,' I says. 'An' why is it raypublican?'
+says he. 'Because,' says I, 'th' people out there is f'r holdin' th'
+Ph'lippeens,' says I. 'What th' divvle ar-re th' Ph'lippeens?' says he.
+'Is it a festival,' says he, 'or a dhrink?' he says. 'Faith, 'tis small
+wondher ye don't know,' says I, 'f'r 'tis mesilf was weak on it a year
+ago,' I says. 'Th' Ph'lippeens is an issue,' says I, 'an' islands,' says
+I, 'an' a public nuisance,' I says. 'But,' I says, 'befure we go anny
+further on this subject,' I says, 'd'ye know where Minnysota is, or
+Westconsin, or Utah, or Californya, or Texas, or Neebrasky?' says I. 'I
+do not,' says he. 'D'ye know that since ye'er death there has growed
+up on th' shore iv Lake Mitchigan a city that wud make Rome look like a
+whistlin' station--a city that has a popylation iv eight million people
+till th' census rayport comes out?' I says. 'I niver heerd iv it,' he
+says. 'D'ye know that I can cross th' ocean in six days, an' won't; that
+if annything doesn't happen in Chiny I can larn about it in twinty-four
+hours if I care to know; that if ye was in Wash'nton I cud call ye up
+be tillyphone an ye'er wire'd be busy?' I says. 'I do not,' says Thomas
+Jefferson. 'Thin,' says I, 'don't presume to advise me,' I says, 'that
+knows these things an' manny more,' I says. 'An' whin ye go back where
+ye come fr'm an' set down with th' rest iv th' sages to wondher whether
+a man cud possibly go fr'm Richmond to Boston in a week, tell thim,' I
+says, 'that in their day they r-run a corner grocery an' to-day,' says
+I, 'we're op'ratin' a sixteen-story department store an' puttin' in
+ivrything fr'm an electhric lightin' plant to a set iv false teeth,' I
+says. An' I hist him on his horse an' ask a polisman to show him th' way
+home."
+
+"Be hivins, Hinnissy, I want me advice up-to-date, an' whin Mack an'
+Willum Jennings tells me what George Wash'nton an' Thomas Jefferson
+said, I says to thim: 'Gintlemen, they larned their thrade befure th'
+days iv open plumbin',' I says. 'Tell us what is wanted ye'ersilf or
+call in a journeyman who's wurrukin' card is dated this cinchry,' I
+says. 'An' I'm r-right too, Hinnissy.'"
+
+"Well," said Mr. Hennessy, slowly, "those ol' la-ads was level-headed."
+
+"Thrue f'r ye," said Mr. Dooley. "But undher th' new iliction laws ye
+can't vote th' cimitries."
+
+
+
+
+_The_ NEGRO PROBLEM
+
+
+"What's goin' to happen to th' naygur?" asked Mr. Hennessy.
+
+"Well," said Mr. Dooley, "he'll ayther have to go to th' north an' be
+a subjick race, or stay in th' south an' be an objick lesson. 'Tis a
+har-rd time he'll have, annyhow. I'm not sure that I'd not as lave be
+gently lynched in Mississippi as baten to death in New York. If I was
+a black man, I'd choose th' cotton belt in prifrince to th' belt on th'
+neck fr'm th' polisman's club. I wud so."
+
+"I'm not so much throubled about th' naygur whin he lives among his
+opprissors as I am whin he falls into th' hands iv his liberators. Whin
+he's in th' south he can make up his mind to be lynched soon or late an'
+give his attintion to his other pleasures iv composin' rag-time music
+on a banjo, an' wurrukin' f'r th' man that used to own him an' now on'y
+owes him his wages. But 'tis th' divvle's own hardship f'r a coon to
+step out iv th' rooms iv th' S'ciety f'r th' Brotherhood iv Ma-an where
+he's been r-readin' a pome on th' 'Future of th' Moke' an' be pursooed
+be a mob iv abolitionists till he's dhriven to seek polis protection,
+which, Hinnissy, is th' polite name f'r fracture iv th' skull.
+
+"I was f'r sthrikin' off th' shackles iv th' slave, me la-ad. 'Twas
+thrue I didn't vote f'r it, bein' that I heerd Stephen A. Douglas say
+'twas onconstitootional, an' in thim days I wud go to th' flure with
+anny man f'r th' constitootion. I'm still with it, but not sthrong. It's
+movin' too fast f'r me. But no matther. Annyhow I was f'r makin'
+th' black man free, an' though I shtud be th' south as a spoortin'
+proposition I was kind iv glad in me heart whin Gin'ral Ulyss S. Grant
+bate Gin'ral Lee an' th' rest iv th' Union officers captured Jeff Davis.
+I says to mesilf, 'Now,' I says,'th' coon'll have a chanst f'r his
+life,' says I, 'an' in due time we may injye him,' I says.
+
+"An' sure enough it looked good f'r awhile, an' th' time come whin th'
+occas'nal dollar bill that wint acrost this bar on pay night wasn't good
+money onless it had th' name iv th' naygur on it. In thim days they
+was a young la-ad--a frind iv wan iv th' Donohue boys--that wint to th'
+public school up beyant, an' he was as bright a la-ad as ye'd want to
+see in a day's walk. Th' larnin' iv him wud sind Father Kelly back to
+his grammar. He cud spell to make a hare iv th' hedge schoolmasther,
+he was as quick at figures as th' iddycated pig they showed in th'
+tint las' week in Haley's vacant lot, and in joggerphy, asthronomy,
+algybbera, jommethry, chimisthry, physiojnomy, bassoophly an' fractions,
+I was often har-rd put mesilf to puzzle him. I heerd him gradyooate an'
+his composition was so fine very few cud make out what he meant.
+
+"I met him on th' sthreet wan day afther he got out iv school. 'What
+ar-re ye goin' to do f'r ye'ersilf, Snowball,' says I--his name was
+Andhrew Jackson George Wash'n'ton Americus Caslateras Beresford Vanilla
+Hicks, but I called him 'Snowball,' him bein' as black as coal, d'ye
+see--I says to him: 'What ar-re ye goin' to do f'r ye'ersilf?' I says.
+'I'm goin' to enther th' profission iv law,' he says, 'where be me
+acooman an' industhry I hope,' he says, 'f'r to rise to be a judge,' he
+says, 'a congrissman,' he says, 'a sinator,' he says, 'an' p'rhaps,' he
+says, 'a prisidint iv th' United States,' he says. 'Theyse nawthin to
+prevint,' he says. 'Divvle a thing,' says I. 'Whin we made ye free,'
+says I, 'we opened up all these opporchunities to ye,' says I. 'Go
+on,' says I, 'an' enjye th' wealth an' position conferred on ye be th'
+constitootion,' I says. 'On'y,' I says, 'don't be too free,' I says.
+'Th' freedom iv th' likes iv ye is a good thing an' a little iv it goes
+a long way,' I says, 'an' if I ever hear iv ye bein' prisidint iv th'
+United States,' I says, 'I'll take me whitewashing' away fr'm ye'er
+father, ye excelsior hair, poached-egg eyed, projiny iv tar,' I says,
+f'r me Anglo-Saxon feelin' was sthrong in thim days.
+
+"Well, I used to hear iv him afther that defindin' coons in th'
+polis coort, an' now an' thin bein' mintioned among th' scatthrin' in
+raypublican county con-vintions, an' thin he dhropped out iv sight.
+'Twas years befure I see him again. Wan day I was walkin' up th' levee
+smokin' a good tin cint seegar whin a coon wearin' a suit iv clothes
+that looked like a stained glass window in th' house iv a Dutch brewer
+an' a pop bottle in th' fr-ront iv his shirt, steps up to me an' he
+says: 'How dy'e do, Mistah Dooley,' says he. 'Don't ye know me--Mistah
+Hicks?' he says. 'Snowball,' says I. 'Step inside this dureway,' says I,
+'less Clancy, th' polisman on th' corner, takes me f'r an octoroon,' I
+says. 'What ar-re ye do-in'?' says I. 'How did ye enjye th' prisidincy?'
+says I. He laughed an' told me th' story iv his life. He wint to
+practisin' law an' found his on'y clients was coons, an' they had no
+assets but their vote at th' prim'ry. Besides a warrant f'r a moke was
+the same as a letther iv inthroduction to th' warden iv th' pinitinchry.
+Th' on'y thing left f'r th' lawyer to do was to move f'r a new thrile
+an' afther he'd got two or three he thought ol' things was th' best
+an' ye do well to lave bad enough alone. He got so sick iv chicken he
+cudden't live on his fees an' he quit th' law an' wint into journalism.
+He r-run 'Th' Colored Supplimint,' but it was a failure, th' taste iv
+th' public lanin' more to quadhroon publications, an' no man that owned
+a resthrant or theaytre or dhrygoods store'd put in an adver-tisemint
+f'r fear th' subscribers'd see it an' come ar-round. Thin he attimpted
+to go into pollytics, an' th' best he cud get was carryin' a bucket iv
+wather f'r a Lincoln Club. He thried to larn a thrade an' found th' on'y
+place a naygur can larn a thrade is in prison an' he can't wurruk at
+that without committin' burglary. He started to take up subscriptions
+f'r a sthrugglin' church an' found th' profission was overcrowded.
+'Fin'ly,' says he, ''twas up to me to be a porther in a saloon or go
+into th' on'y business,' he says, 'in which me race has a chanst,' he
+says. 'What's that?' says I. 'Craps,' says he. 'I've opened a palachal
+imporyium,' he says, 'where,' he says, ''twud please me very much,' he
+says, 'me ol' abolitionist frind,' he says, 'if ye'd dhrop in some day,'
+he says, 'an' I'll roll th' sweet, white bones f'r ye,' he says. ''Tis
+th' hope iv me people,' he says. 'We have an even chanst at ivry other
+pursoot,' he says, 'but 'tis on'y in craps we have a shade th' best iv
+it,' he says."
+
+"So there ye ar-re, Hinnissy. An' what's it goin' to come to, says ye?
+Faith, I don't know an' th' naygurs don't know, an' be hivins, I think
+if th' lady that wrote th' piece we used to see at th' Halsted Sthreet
+Opry House come back to earth, she wudden't know. I used to be all broke
+up about Uncle Tom, but cud I give him a job tindin' bar in this here
+liquor store? I freed th' slave, Hinnissy, but, faith, I think' twas
+like tur-rnin' him out iv a panthry into a cellar."
+
+"Well, they got to take their chances," said Mr. Hennessy. "Ye can't do
+annything more f'r thim than make thim free."
+
+"Ye can't," said Mr. Dooley; "on'y whin ye tell thim they're free they
+know we're on'y sthringin' thim."
+
+
+
+
+_The_ AMERICAN STAGE
+
+
+"I've niver been much iv a hand f'r th' theaytre," said Mr. Dooley.
+"Whin I was a young man an' Crosby's Opry house was r-runnin' I used to
+go down wanst in a while an' see Jawn Dillon throwin' things around f'r
+th' amusemint iv th' popylace an' whin Shakespere was played I often
+had a seat in th' gal'ry, not because I liked th' actin', d'ye mind, but
+because I'd heerd me frind Hogan speak iv Shakespere. He was a good man,
+that Shakespere, but his pieces is full iv th' ol' gags that I heerd
+whin I was a boy. Th' throuble with me about goin' to plays is that
+no matther where I set I cud see some hired man in his shirt sleeves
+argyin' with wan iv his frinds about a dog fight while Romeo was makin'
+th' kind iv love ye wuddent want ye'er daughter to hear to Juliet in th'
+little bur-rd cage they calls a balcony. It must've been because I wanst
+knowed a man be th' name iv Gallagher that was a scene painter that I
+cud niver get mesilf to th' pint iv concedin' that th' mountains that
+other people agreed was manny miles in th' distance was in no danger
+iv bein' rubbed off th' map be th' coat-tails iv wan iv th' principal
+char-ackters. An' I always had me watch out to time th' moon whin' twas
+shoved acrost th' sky an' th' record breakin' iv day in th' robbers'
+cave where th' robbers don't dare f'r to shtep on the rock f'r fear
+they'll stave it in. If day iver broke on th' level th' way it does on
+th' stage 'twud tear th' bastin' threads out iv what Hogan calls th'
+firmymint. Hogan says I haven't got th' dhramatic delusion an' he must
+be r-right f'r ye can't make me believe that twinty years has elapsed
+whin I know that I've on'y had time to pass th' time iv day with th'
+bartinder nex' dure.
+
+"Plays is upside down, Hinnissy, an' inside out. They begin with a full
+statement iv what's goin' to happen an' how it's goin' to come out
+an' thin ye're asked to forget what ye heerd an' be surprised be th'
+outcome. I always feel like goin' to th' office an' gettin' me money or
+me lithograph pass back afther th' first act.
+
+"Th' way to write a play is f'r to take a book an' write it over hindend
+foremost. They're puttin' all books on th' stage nowadays. Fox's
+'Book iv Martyrs' has been done into a three-act farce-comedy an'll be
+projooced be Delia Fox, th' author, nex' summer. Webster's 'Onabridge
+Ditchnry' will be brought out as a society dhrama with eight hundherd
+thousan' char-ackters. Th' 'Constitution iv th' United States' (a farce)
+be Willum McKinley is r-runnin' to packed houses with th' cillybrated
+thradeejan Aggynaldoo as th' villain. In th' sixteenth scene iv th' last
+act they'se a naygur lynchin'. James H. Wilson, th' author iv 'Silo an'
+Ensilage, a story f'r boys,' is dhramatizin' his cillybrated wurruk an'
+will follow it with a dhramatic version iv 'Sugar Beet Culture,' a farm
+play. 'Th' Familiar Lies iv Li Hung Chang' is expicted to do well in th'
+provinces an' Hostetter's Almanac has all dates filled, I undherstand
+th' bible'll be r-ready f'r th' stage undher th'direction iv Einstein
+an' Opperman befure th' first iv th' year. Some changes has been
+niciss'ry f'r to adapt it to stage purposes, I see be th' pa-apers. Th'
+authors has become convinced that Adam an' Eve must be carrid through
+th' whole play, so they have considerably lessened th' time between th'
+creation an' th' flood an' have made Adam an English nobleman with a
+shady past an' th' Divvle a Fr-rinch count in love with Eve. They're
+rescued be Noah, th' faithful boatman who has a comic naygur son."
+
+"I see be th' pa-aper th' stage is goin' to th' dogs what with it's
+Sappho's an' th' like iv that," said Mr. Hennessy.
+
+"Well, it isn't what it used to be," said Mr. Dooley, "in th' days whin
+'twas th' purpose iv th' hero to save th' honest girl from the clutches
+iv th' villin in time to go out with him an' have a shell iv beer at
+th' Dutchman's downstairs. In th' plays nowadays th' hero is more iv a
+villain thin th' villain himsilf. He's th' sort iv a man that we used
+to heave pavin' shtones at whin he come out iv th' stage dure iv th'
+Halsted Sthreet Opry House. To be a hero ye've first got to be an
+Englishman, an' as if that wasn't bad enough ye've got to have committed
+as many crimes as th' late H. H. Holmes. If he'd been born in England
+he'd be a hero. Ye marry a woman who swears an' dhrinks an' bets on th'
+races an' ye quarrel with her. Th' r-rest iv th' play is made up iv hard
+cracks be all th' char-ack-ters at each others' morals. This is called
+repartee be th' learned, an' Hogan. Repartee is where I say: 'Ye stole
+a horse' an' ye say: 'But think iv ye'er wife!' In Ar-rchy r-road 'tis
+called disordherly conduct. They'se another play on where a man r-runs
+off with a woman that's no betther thin she ought to be. He bates her
+an' she marries a burglar. Another wan is about a lady that ates dinner
+with a German. He bites her an' she hits him with a cabbage. Thin
+they'se a play about an English gintleman iv th' old school who thries
+to make a girl write a letter f'r him an' if she don't he'll tell on
+her. He doesn't tell an' so he's rewarded with th' love iv th' heroine,
+an honest English girl out f'r th' money."
+
+"Nobody's marrid in th' modhern play, Hinnissy, an' that's a good thing,
+too, f'r annywan that got marrid wud have th' worst iv it. In th' ol'
+times th' la-ads that announces what's goin' to happen in the first act,
+always promised ye a happy marredge in th' end an' as ivrybody's lookin'
+f'r a happy marredge, that held the aujeence. Now ye know that th' hero
+with th' wretched past is goin' to elope with th' dhrunken lady an' th'
+play is goin' to end with th' couples prettily divorced in th' centher
+iv th' stage. 'Tis called real life an' mebbe that's what it is, but f'r
+me I don't want to see real life on th' stage. I can see that anny day.
+What I want is f'r th' spotless gintleman to saw th' la-ad with th'
+cigareet into two-be-fours an' marry th' lady that doesn't dhrink much
+while th' aujeence is puttin' on their coats."
+
+"Why don't they play Shakespere any more?" Mr. Hennessy asked.
+
+"I undherstand," said Mr. Dooley, "that they're goin' to dhramatize
+Shakespere whin th' dhramatizer gets through with th' 'Report iv th'
+Cinsus Department f'r 1899-1900.'"
+
+
+
+
+TROUBLES OF A CANDIDATE
+
+
+"I wisht th' campaign was over," said Mr. Dooley.
+
+"I wisht it'd begin," said Mr. Hennessy. "I niver knew annything so
+dead. They ain't been so much as a black eye give or took in th' ward
+an' its less thin two months to th' big day."
+
+"'Twill liven up," said Mr. Dooley, "I begin to see signs iv th' good
+times comin' again. 'Twas on'y th' other day me frind Tiddy Rosenfelt
+opened th' battle mildly be insinuatin' that all dimmycrats was liars,
+horse thieves an' arnychists. 'Tis thrue he apologized f'r that be
+explainin' that he didn't mean all dimmycrats but on'y those that
+wudden't vote f'r Mack but I think he'll take th' copper off befure
+manny weeks. A ladin' dimmycratic rayformer has suggested that Mack
+though a good man f'r an idjiot is surrounded be th' vilest scoundhrels
+iver seen in public life since th' days iv Joolyus Caesar. Th' Sicrety
+iv th' Threeasury has declared, that Mr. Bryan in sayin' that silver is
+not convartible be th' terms iv th' Slatthry bankin' law iv 1870,
+an' th' sicond clause iv th' threaty iv Gansville, has committed th'
+onpard'nable pollytical sin iv so consthructin' th' facts as to open
+up th' possibility iv wan not knowin' th' thrue position iv affairs,
+misundhersthandin' intirely. If he had him outside he'd call him a liar.
+Th' raypublicans have proved that Willum Jennings Bryan is a thraitor
+be th' letther written be Dr. Lem Stoggins, th' cillybrated antithought
+agytator iv Spooten Duyvil to Aggynaldoo in which he calls upon him to
+do nawthin' till he hears fr'm th' doc. Th' letther was sint through
+th' postal authorities an' as they have established no post-office
+in Aggynaldoo's hat they cudden't deliver it an' they opened it. Upon
+r-readin' th' letther Horace Plog iv White Horse, Minnesota, has wrote
+to Willum Jennings Bryan declarin' that if he (Plog) iver went to th'
+Ph'lippeens, which he wud've done but f'r th' way th' oats was sproutin'
+in th' stack, an' had been hit with a bullet he'd ixpict th' Coroner to
+hold Bryan to th' gran' jury. This was followed be th' publication iv a
+letther fr'm Oscar L. Swub iv East Persepalis, Ohio, declarin' that his
+sister heerd a cousin iv th' man that wash'd buggies in a livery stable
+in Canton say Mack's hired man tol' him Mack'd be hanged befure he'd
+withdraw th' ar-rmy fr'm Cuba."
+
+"Oh, I guess th' campaign is doin' as well as cud be ixpicted. I see be
+th' raypublican pa-apers that Andhrew Carnegie has come out f'r Bryan
+an' has conthributed wan half iv his income or five hundhred millyon
+dollars to th' campaign fund. In th' dimmycratic pa-apers I r-read that
+Chairman Jim Jones has inthercipted a letther fr'm the Prince iv Wales
+to Mack congratulatin' him on his appintmint as gintleman-in-waitin'
+to th' queen. A dillygation iv Mormons has started fr'm dimmycratic
+headquarthers to thank Mack f'r his manly stand in favor iv poly-gamy
+an' th' raypublican comity has undher con-sideration a letther fr'm long
+term criminals advisin' their colleagues at large to vote f'r Willum
+Jennings Bryan, th' frind iv crime."
+
+"In a few short weeks, Hinnissy, 'twill not be safe f'r ayether iv
+the candydates to come out on th' fr-ront porch till th' waitin'
+dillygations has been searched be a polisman. 'Tis th' divvle's own
+time th' la-ads that r-runs f'r th' prisidincy has since that ol' boy
+Burchard broke loose again' James G. Blaine. Sinitor Jones calls wan iv
+his thrusty hinchman to his side, an' says he: 'Mike, put on a pig-tail,
+an' a blue shirt an' take a dillygation iv Chinnymen out to Canton an'
+congratulate Mack on th' murdher iv mission'ries in China. An',' he
+says, 'ye might stop off at Cincinnati on th' way over an' arrange f'r
+a McKinley an' Rosenfelt club to ilict th' British Consul its prisidint
+an' attack th' office iv th' German newspaper,' he says. Mark Hanna
+rings f'r his sicrety an', says he: 'Have ye got off th' letther fr'm
+George Fred Willums advisin' Aggynaldoo to pizen th' wells?' 'Yes
+sir.' 'An' th' secret communication fr'm Bryan found on an arnychist at
+Pattherson askin' him to blow up th' White House?' 'It's in th' hands
+iv th' tyepwriter.' 'Thin call up an employmint agency an' have a
+dillygation iv Jesuites dhrop in at Lincoln, with a message fr'm th'
+pope proposin' to bur-rn all Protestant churches th' night befure
+iliction.'"
+
+"I tell ye, Hinnissy, th' candydate is kept mov-in'. Whin he sees a
+dilly-gation pikin' up th' lawn he must be r-ready. He makes a flyin'
+leap f'r th' chairman, seizes him by th' throat an' says: 'I thank
+ye f'r th' kind sintimints ye have conveyed. I am, indeed, as ye have
+remarked, th' riprisintative iv th' party iv manhood, honor, courage,
+liberality an' American thraditions. Take that back to Jimmy Jones an'
+tell him to put it in his pipe an' smoke it.' With which he bounds into
+th' house an' locks the dure while th' baffled conspirators goes down
+to a costumer an' changes their disguise. If th' future prisidint hadn't
+been quick on th' dhraw he'd been committed to a policy iv sthranglin'
+all the girl babies at birth."
+
+"No,'tis no aisy job bein' a candydate, an' 'twud be no easy job if th'
+game iv photygraphs was th' on'y wan th' candydates had to play. Willum
+Jennings Bryan is photygraphed smilin' back at his smilin' corn fields,
+in a pair iv blue overalls with a scythe in his hand borrid fr'm th'
+company that's playin' 'Th' Ol' Homestead,' at th' Lincoln Gran' Opry
+House. Th' nex' day Mack is seen mendin' a rustic chair with a monkey
+wrinch, Bryan has a pitcher took in th' act iv puttin' on a shirt marked
+with th' union label, an' they'se another photygraph iv Mack carryin'
+a scuttle iv coal up th' cellar stairs. An' did ye iver notice how much
+th' candydates looks alike, an' how much both iv thim looks like Lydia
+Pinkham? Thim wondherful boardhin'-house smiles that our gifted
+leaders wears, did ye iver see annythin' so entrancin'? Whin th' las'
+photygrapher has packed his ar-ms homeward I can see th' gr-reat men
+retirin' to their rooms an' lettin' their faces down f'r a few minyits
+befure puttin' thim up again in curl-pa-apers f'r th' nex' day display.
+Glory be, what a relief 'twill be f'r wan iv thim to raysume permanently
+th' savage or fam'ly breakfast face th' mornin' afther iliction! What a
+raylief 'twill be to no f'r sure that th' man at th' dure bell is on'y
+th' gas collector an' isn't loaded with a speech iv thanks in behalf iv
+th' Spanish Gover'mint! What a relief to snarl at wife an' frinds wanst
+more, to smoke a seegar with th' thrust magnate that owns th'
+cider facthry near th' station, to take ye'er nap in th' afthernoon
+undisthurbed be th' chirp iv th' snap-shot! 'Tis th' day afther iliction
+I'd like f'r to be a candydate, Hinnissy, no matther how it wint."
+
+"An' what's become iv th' vice-prisidintial candydates?" Mr. Hennessy
+asked.
+
+"Well," said Mr. Dooley, "Th' las' I heerd iv Adly, I didn't hear
+annythin', an' th' las' I heerd iv Tiddy he'd made application to th'
+naytional comity f'r th' use iv Mack as a soundin' board."
+
+
+
+
+A BACHELOR'S LIFE
+
+
+"It's always been a wondher to me," said Mr. Hennessy, "ye niver
+marrid."
+
+"It's been a wondher to manny," Mr. Dooley replied haughtily. "Maybe if
+I'd been as aisy pleased as most--an' this is not sayin' annything again
+you an' ye'ers, Hinnisy, f'r ye got much th' best iv it--I might be th'
+father iv happy childher an' have money in th' bank awaitin' th' day
+whin th' intherest on th' morgedge fell due. 'Tis not f'r lack iv
+opportunities I'm here alone, I tell ye that me bucko, f'r th' time was
+whin th' sound iv me feet'd brings more heads to th' windies iv Ar-rchey
+r-road thin'd bob up to see ye'er fun'ral go by. An' that's manny a
+wan."
+
+"Ah, well," said Mr. Hennessy, "I was but jokin' ye." His tone mollified
+his friend, who went on: "To tell ye th' truth, Hinnissy, th' raison I
+niver got marrid was I niver cud pick a choice. I've th' makin' iv an
+ixcillint ol' Turk in me, to be sure, f'r I look on all the sect as
+iligeable f'r me hand an' I'm on'y resthrained fr'm r-rentin' Lincoln
+Park f'r a home an' askin' thim all to clave on'y to me, be me nachral
+modesty an' th' laws iv th' State iv Illinye. 'Twas always so with me
+an' I think it is so with most men that dies bachelors. Be r-readin'
+th' pa-apers ye'd think a bachelor was a man bor-rn with a depraved
+an' parvarse hathred iv wan iv our most cherished institootions, an'
+anti-expansionist d'ye mind. But'tis no such thing. A bachelor's a man
+that wud extind his benificint rule over all th' female wurruld, fr'm
+th' snow-capped girls iv Alaska to th' sunny eileens iv th' Passyfic.
+A marrid man's a person with a limited affection--a protictionist
+an' anti-expansionist, a mugwump, be hivins. 'Tis th' bachelor that's
+keepin' alive th' rivrince f'r th' sect.
+
+"Whin I was a young man, ye cud search fr'm wan end iv th' town to th'
+other f'r me akel with th' ladies. Ye niver see me in them days, but
+'twas me had a rogue's eye an' a leg far beyant th' common r-run iv
+props. I cud dance with th' best iv thim, me voice was that sthrong
+'twas impossible to hear annywan else whin I sung 'Th' Pretty Maid
+Milkin' th' Cow,' an' I was dhressed to kill on Sundahs. 'Twas thin
+I bought th' hat ye see me wear at th' picnic. 'Twas 'Good mornin',
+Misther Dooley, an' will ye come in an' have a cup iv tay,' an' 'How
+d'ye do Misther Dooley, I didn't see ye at mass this mornin',' an'
+'Martin, me boy, dhrop in an' take a hand at forty-fives. Th' young
+ladies has been ask in' me ar-re ye dead.' I was th' pop'lar idol, ye
+might say, an' manny's th' black look I got over th' shouldher at picnic
+an' wake. But I minded thim little. If a bull again me come fr'm th'
+pope himsilf in thim days whin me heart was high, I'd tuck it in me
+pocket an' say: 'I'll r-read it whin I get time.'"
+
+"Well, I'd take one iv th' girls out in me horse an' buggy iv a Sundah
+an' I'd think she was th' finest in th' wurruld an' I'd be sayin' all
+kinds iv jokin' things to her about marredge licenses bein' marked down
+on account iv th' poor demand an' how th' parish priest was thinkin' iv
+bein' thransferred to a parish where th' folks was more kindly disposed
+to each other an' th' likes iv that, whin out iv th' corner iv me eye
+I'd see another girl go by, an' bless me if I cud keep th' lid iv me
+r-right eye still or hold me tongue fr'm such unfortchnit remark as:
+'That there Molly Heaney's th' fine girl, th' fine, sthrappin' girl,
+don't ye think so?' Well, ye know, afther that I might as well be
+dhrivin' an ice wagon as a pleasure rig; more thin wanst I near lost th'
+tip iv me nose in th' jamb iv th' dure thryin' to give an affictshionate
+farewell. An' so it wint on, till I got th' repytation iv a flirt an' a
+philandhrer f'r no raison at all, d'ye mind, but me widespread fondness.
+I like thim all, dark an' light, large an' small, young an' old, marrid
+an' single, widdied an' divorced, an' so I niver marrid annywan. But
+ye'll find me photygraft in some albums an' me bills in more thin wan
+livery stable."
+
+"I think marrid men gets on th' best f'r they have a home an' fam'ly to
+lave in th' mornin' an' a home an' fam'ly to go back to at night; that
+makes thim wurruk. Some men's domestic throubles dhrives thim to dhrink,
+others to labor. Ye r-read about a man becomin' a millyonaire an' ye
+think he done it be his own exertions whin 'tis much again little 'twas
+th' fear iv comin' home impty handed an' dislike iv stayin' ar-round th'
+house all day that made him rich. Misther Standard Ile takes in millyons
+in a year but he might be playin' dominoes in an injine house if it
+wasn't f'r Mrs. Standard Ile. 'Tis th' thought iv that dear quiet lady
+at home, in her white cap with her ca'm motherly face, waitin' patiently
+f'r him with a bell-punch that injooces him to put a shtick iv dinnymite
+in somebody else's ile well an' bury his securities whin th' assissor
+comes ar-round. Near ivry man's property ought to be in wife's name an'
+most iv it is.
+
+"But with a bachelor 'tis diff'rent. Ye an' I ar-re settin' here
+together an' Clancy dhrops in. Clancy's wife's away an' he's out f'r a
+good time an' he comes to me f'r it. A bachelor's f'r th' enjymint of
+his marrid frinds' vacations. Whin Clancy's wife's at home an' I go to
+see him he r-runs th' pail out in a valise, an' we take our criminal
+dhrink in th' woodshed. Well, th' three iv us sits here an' pass th'
+dhrink an' sing our songs iv glee till about ilivin o'clock; thin ye
+begin to look over ye'er shouldher ivry time ye hear a woman's voice an'
+fin'lly ye get up an' yawn an' dhrink ivrything on th' table an' gallop
+home. Clancy an' I raysume our argymint on th' Chinese sityation an'
+afterwards we carol together me singin' th' chune an' him doin' a razor
+edge tinor. Thin he tells me how much he cares f'r me an' proposes to
+rassle me an' weeps to think how bad he threats his wife an' begs me
+niver to marry, f'r a bachelor's life's th' on'y wan, an' 'tis past
+two o'clock whin I hook him on a frindly polisman an' sind him
+thrippin'--th' polisman--down th' sthreet. All r-right so far. But in
+th' mornin' another story. If Clancy gets home an' finds his wife's
+rayturned fr'm th' seaside or th' stock yards, or whereiver'tis she's
+spint her vacation, they'se no r-rest f'r him in th' mornin'. His head
+may sound in his ears like a automobill an' th' look iv an egg may make
+his knees thremble, but he's got to be off to th' blacksmith shop,
+an' hiven help his helper that mornin'. So Clancy's gettin' r-rich an'
+puttin' a coopoly on his house."
+
+"But with me 'tis diff'rent. Whin Phibbius Apollo as Hogan calls th'
+sun, raises his head above th' gas house, I'm cuddled up in me couch
+an' Morpus, gawd iv sleep, has a sthrangle holt on me. Th' alarm clock
+begins to go off an' I've just sthrength enough to raise up an' fire
+it through th' window. Two hours aftherward I have a gleam iv human
+intillygince an' hook me watch out fr'm undher th' pillow. 'It's eight
+o'clock,' says I. 'But is it eight in th' mornin' or eight in th'
+evenin'?' says I. 'Faith, I dinnaw, an' divvle a bit care I. Eight's
+on'y a number,' says I. 'It riprisints nawthin',' says I."
+
+"They'se hours enough in th' day f'r a free man. I'll turr-n over an'
+sleep till eight-wan and thin I'll wake up refrished,' I says. 'Tis
+ilivin o'clock whin me tired lids part f'r good an' Casey has been here
+to pay me eight dollars an' findin' me not up has gone away f'r another
+year."
+
+"A marrid man gets th' money, Hinnissy, but a bachelor man gets
+th' sleep. Whin all me marrid frinds is off to wurruk pound in' th'
+ongrateful sand an' wheelin' th' rebellyous slag, in th' heat iv th'
+afthernoon, ye can see ye'er onfortchnit bachelor frind perambulatin' up
+an' down th' shady side iv th' sthreet, with an umbrelly over his head
+an' a wurrud iv cheer fr'm young an' old to enliven his loneliness."
+
+"But th' childher?" asked Mr. Hennessy slyly.
+
+"Childher!" said Mr. Dooley. "Sure I have th' finest fam'ly in th' city.
+Without scandal I'm th' father iv ivry child in Ar-rchey r-road fr'm end
+to end."
+
+"An' none iv ye'er own," said Mr. Hennessy.
+
+"I wish to hell, Hinnissy," said Mr. Dooley savagely, "ye'd not lean
+against that mirror, I don't want to have to tell ye again."
+
+
+
+
+THE EDUCATION OF THE YOUNG
+
+
+The troubled Mr. Hennessy had been telling Mr. Dooley about the
+difficulty of making a choice of schools for Packy Hennessy, who at the
+age of six was at the point where the family must decide his career.
+
+"'Tis a big question," said Mr. Dooley, "an' wan that seems to be
+worryin' th' people more thin it used to whin ivry boy was designed
+f'r th' priesthood, with a full undherstandin' be his parents that
+th' chances was in favor iv a brick yard. Nowadays they talk about th'
+edycation iv th' child befure they choose th' name. 'Tis: 'Th' kid talks
+in his sleep. 'Tis th' fine lawyer he'll make.' Or, 'Did ye notice him
+admirin' that photygraph? He'll be a gr-reat journalist.' Or, 'Look
+at him fishin' in Uncle Tim's watch pocket. We must thrain him f'r a
+banker.' Or, 'I'm afraid he'll niver be sthrong enough to wurruk. He
+must go into th' church.' Befure he's baptized too, d'ye mind. 'Twill
+not be long befure th' time comes whin th' soggarth'll christen th'
+infant: 'Judge Pathrick Aloysius Hinnissy, iv th' Northern District iv
+Illinye,' or 'Profissor P. Aloysius Hinnissy, LL.D., S.T.D., P.G.N.,
+iv th' faculty iv Nothre Dame.' Th' innocent child in his cradle,
+wondherin' what ails th' mist iv him an' where he got such funny lookin'
+parents fr'm, has thim to blame that brought him into th' wurruld if he
+dayvilops into a sicond story man befure he's twinty-wan an' is took up
+be th' polis. Why don't you lade Packy down to th' occylist an' have him
+fitted with a pair iv eyeglasses? Why don't ye put goloshes on him, give
+him a blue umbrelly an' call him a doctor at wanst an' be done with it?"
+
+"To my mind, Hinnissy, we're wastin' too much time thinkin' iv th'
+future iv our young, an' thryin' to larn thim early what they oughtn't
+to know till they've growed up. We sind th' childher to school as
+if 'twas a summer garden where they go to be amused instead iv a
+pinitinchry where they're sint f'r th' original sin. Whin I was a la-ad
+I was put at me ah-bee abs, th' first day I set fut in th' school behind
+th' hedge an' me head was sore inside an' out befure I wint home. Now
+th' first thing we larn th' future Mark Hannas an' Jawn D. Gateses iv
+our naytion is waltzin', singin', an' cuttin' pitchers out iv a book.
+We'd be much betther teachin' thim th' sthrangle hold, f'r that's what
+they need in life."
+
+"I know what'll happen. Ye'll sind Packy to what th' Germans call a
+Kindygartin, an' 'tis a good thing f'r Germany, because all a German
+knows is what some wan tells him, an' his grajation papers is
+a certy-ficate that he don't need to think anny more. But we've
+inthrajooced it into this counthry, an' whin I was down seein' if I cud
+injooce Rafferry, th' Janitor iv th' Isaac Muggs Grammar School, f'r
+to vote f'r Riordan--an' he's goin' to--I dhropped in on Cassidy's
+daughter, Mary Ellen, an' see her kindygartnin'. Th' childher was
+settin' ar-round on th' flure an' some was moldin' dachshunds out iv mud
+an' wipin' their hands on their hair, an' some was carvin' figures iv a
+goat out iv paste-board an' some was singin' an' some was sleepin' an'
+a few was dancin' an' wan la-ad was pullin' another la-ad's hair. 'Why
+don't ye take th' coal shovel to that little barbaryan, Mary Ellen?'
+says I. 'We don't believe in corporeal punishment,' says she. 'School
+shud be made pleasant f'r th' childher,' she says. 'Th' child who's hair
+is bein' pulled is larnin' patience,' she says, 'an' th' child that's
+pullin' th' hair is discovrin' th' footility iv human indeavor,' says
+she. 'Well, oh, well,' says I, 'times has changed since I was a boy,'
+I says. 'Put thim through their exercises,' says I. 'Tommy,' says I,
+'spell cat,' I says. 'Go to th' divvle,' says th' cheerub. 'Very smartly
+answered,' says Mary Ellen. 'Ye shud not ask thim to spell,' she says.
+'They don't larn that till they get to colledge,' she says, 'an'' she
+says, 'sometimes not even thin,' she says. 'An' what do they larn?' says
+I. 'Rompin',' she says, 'an' dancin',' she says, 'an' indepindance
+iv speech, an' beauty songs, an' sweet thoughts, an' how to make home
+home-like,' she says. 'Well,' says I, 'I didn't take anny iv thim things
+at colledge, so ye needn't unblanket thim,' I says. 'I won't put thim
+through anny exercise today,' I says. 'But whisper, Mary Ellen,' says
+I, 'Don't ye niver feel like bastin' th' seeraphims?' 'Th' teachin's iv
+Freebull and Pitzotly is conthrary to that,' she says. 'But I'm goin'
+to be marrid an' lave th' school on Choosdah, th' twinty-sicond iv
+Janooary,' she says, 'an' on Mondah, th' twinty-first, I'm goin' to ask
+a few iv th' little darlin's to th' house an',' she says, 'stew thim
+over a slow fire,' she says. Mary Ellen is not a German, Hinnissy."
+
+"Well, afther they have larned in school what they ar-re licked
+f'r larnin' in th' back yard--that is squashin' mud with their
+hands--they're conducted up through a channel iv free an' beautiful
+thought till they're r-ready f'r colledge. Mamma packs a few doylies an'
+tidies into son's bag, an' some silver to be used in case iv throuble
+with th' landlord, an' th' la-ad throts off to th' siminary. If he's not
+sthrong enough to look f'r high honors as a middle weight pugilist he
+goes into th' thought departmint. Th' prisidint takes him into a Turkish
+room, gives him a cigareet an' says: 'Me dear boy, what special
+branch iv larnin' wud ye like to have studied f'r ye be our compitint
+profissors? We have a chair iv Beauty an' wan iv Puns an' wan iv Pothry
+on th' Changin' Hues iv the Settin' Sun, an' wan on Platonic Love, an'
+wan on Nonsense Rhymes, an' wan on Sweet Thoughts, an' wan on How Green
+Grows th' Grass, an' wan on' th' Relation iv Ice to th' Greek Idee iv
+God,' he says. 'This is all ye'll need to equip ye f'r th' perfect life,
+onless,' he says, 'ye intind bein' a dintist, in which case,' he says,
+'we won't think much iv ye, but we have a good school where ye can larn
+that disgraceful thrade,' he says. An' th' la-ad makes his choice, an'
+ivry mornin' whin he's up in time he takes a whiff iv hasheesh an' goes
+off to hear Profissor Maryanna tell him that 'if th' dates iv human
+knowledge must be rejicted as subjictive, how much more must they be
+subjicted as rejictive if, as I think, we keep our thoughts fixed upon
+th' inanity iv th' finite in comparison with th' onthinkable truth with
+th' ondivided an' onimaginable reality. Boys ar-re ye with me?'"
+
+"That's at wan colledge-Th' Colledge iv Speechless Thought. Thin there's
+th' Colledge iv Thoughtless Speech, where th' la-ad is larned that th'
+best thing that can happen to annywan is to be prisident iv a railroad
+consolidation. Th' head iv this colledge believes in thrainin' young men
+f'r th' civic ideel, Father Kelly tells me. Th' on'y thrainin' I know
+f'r th' civic ideel is to have an alarm clock in ye'er room on iliction
+day. He believes 'young men shud be equipped with Courage, Discipline,
+an' Loftiness iv Purpose;' so I suppose Packy, if he wint there, wud
+listen to lectures fr'm th' Profissor iv Courage an' Erasmus H. Noddle,
+Doctor iv Loftiness iv Purpose. I loft, ye loft, he lofts. I've always
+felt we needed some wan to teach our young th' Courage they can't get
+walkin' home in th' dark, an' th' loftiness iv purpose that doesn't
+start with bein' hungry an' lookin' f'r wurruk. An' in th' colledge
+where these studies are taught, its undhershtud that even betther thin
+gettin' th' civic ideel is bein' head iv a thrust. Th' on'y trouble
+with th' coorse is that whin Packy comes out loaded with loftiness iv
+purpose, all th' lofts is full iv men that had to figure it out on th'
+farm."
+
+"I don't undherstand a wurrud iv what ye're sayin'," said Mr. Hennesy.
+
+"No more do I," said Mr. Dooley. "But I believe 'tis as Father Kelly
+says: 'Childher shudden't be sint to school to larn, but to larn how
+to larn. I don't care what ye larn thim so long as 'tis onpleasant to
+thim.' 'Tis thrainin' they need, Hinnissy. That's all. I niver cud make
+use iv what I larned in colledge about thrigojoomethry an'--an'--grammar
+an' th' welts I got on th' skull fr'm the schoolmasther's cane I have
+nivver been able to turn to anny account in th' business, but 'twas th'
+bein' there and havin' to get things to heart without askin' th' meanin'
+iv thim an' goin' to school cold an' comin' home hungry, that made th'
+man iv me ye see befure ye."
+
+"That's why th' good woman's throubled about Packy," said Hennessy.
+
+"Go home," said Mr. Dooley.
+
+
+
+
+"L'AIGLON"
+
+
+"Hogan's been tellin' me iv a new play he r-read th' other day," said
+Mr. Dooley. "'Tis be th' same la-ad that wrote th' piece they played
+down in th' Christyan Brothers' school last year about the man with th'
+big nose, that wud dhraw a soord or a pome on e'er a man alive. This
+wan is called 'The Little Eagle,' an' 'tis about th' son iv Napolyon th'
+Impror iv th' Fr-rinch, th' first wan, not th' wan I had th' fight about
+in Schwartzmeister's in eighteen hundhred an' siventy. Bad cess to that
+man, he was no good. I often wondher why I shtud up f'r him whin he
+had hardly wan frind in th' counthry. But I did, an' ye might say I'm a
+vethran iv th' Napolyonic Wars. I am so.
+
+"But th' first Napolyon was a diff'rent man, an' whin he died he left a
+son that th' coorts tur-rned over to th' custody iv his mother, th' ol'
+man bein' on th' island--th' same place where Gin'ral Crownjoy is
+now. Tis about this la-ad th' play's written. He don't look to be
+much account havin' a hackin' cough all through the piece, but down
+undherneath he wants to be impror iv th' Fr-rinch like his father befure
+him, d'ye mind, on'y he don't dare to go out f'r it f'r fear iv catchin'
+a bad cold on his chist. Th' Austhreeches that has charge iv him don't
+like th' idee iv havin' him know what kind iv man his father was. Whin
+he asks: 'Where's pah?' They say: 'He died in jail.' 'What happened in
+1805?' says th' boy. 'In 1805,' says th' Austhreeches, 'th' bar-rn blew
+down.' 'In 1806?' says th' boy. 'In 1806 th' chimney smoked.' 'Not so,'
+says th' prince. 'In 1806 me father crossed th' Rhine an' up,' he says,
+'th' ar-rmed camps he marched to Augaspiel, to Lieberneck, to Donnervet.
+He changed his boots at Mikelstraus an' down th' eagle swooped on
+Marcobrun,' he says. 'Me gran'dad fled as flees th' hen befure th' hawk,
+but dad stayed not till gran'pa, treed, besought f'r peace. That's
+what me father done unto me gran'dad in eighteen six.' At this p'int he
+coughs but ye sees he knew what was goin' on, bein' taught in secret be
+a lady iv th' stage fr'm whom manny a la-ad cud larn th' truth about his
+father.
+
+"Still he can't be persuaded f'r to apply f'r th' vacant improrship on
+account iv his lungs, till wan day a tailor shows up to measure him f'r
+some clothes. Th' tailor d'ye mind is a rivolutionist in disguise,
+an' has come down fr'm Paris f'r to injooce th' young man to take th'
+vacancy. 'Fourteen, six, thirty-three. How'll ye have th' pants made,
+Impror?' says th' tailor. 'Wan or two hip pockets?' says he.
+
+"'Two hips,' says young Napolyon. 'What do ye mean be that?'" he says.
+
+"'Thirty-eight, siventeen, two sides, wan watch, buckle behind. All
+Paris awaits ye, sire.'"
+
+"'Make th' sleeves a little longer thin this,' says th' boy. 'An' fill
+out th' shouldhers. What proof have I?'"
+
+"'Wan or two inside pockets?' says th' tailor. 'Two insides. Hankerchief
+pocket? Wan hankerchief. Th' pants is warn much fuller this year. Make
+that twinty-eight instid iv twinty-siven,' he says. 'Paris shrieks f'r
+ye,' he says.
+
+"'Proof,' says th' la-ad.
+
+"'They've named a perfume afther ye, a shirt waist, a paper collar,
+a five cint seegar, a lot iv childer. Nay more, a breakfast dish
+christened f'r ye is on ivry lip. Will I forward th' soot collect?' he
+says.
+
+"'No, sind th' bill to me mother,' says th' boy. 'An' meet me in th'
+park at tin,' he says.
+
+"So 'tis planned to seize th' throne, but it comes to nawthin'."
+
+"Why's that?" asked Mr. Hennessy.
+
+"F'r th' same reason that the Irish rivolution failed, th' polis
+stopped it. Th' con-spirators met in th' park an' were nailed be a park
+polisman. They didn't run in th' boy, but left him alone in th' place
+which was where his father wanst fought a battle. As he shtands there
+coughin' he begins to hear voices iv soops that followed th' ol' Impror.
+'Comrade' says wan. 'Give me ye'er hand.' 'I can't,' says another. 'I
+haven't wan left.' 'Where's me leg?' 'Sarch me.' 'I've lost me voice.'
+'Me mind is shot away.' 'Reach me some wather.' 'Pass th' can.' 'A horse
+is settin' on me chest.' 'What's that? They'se a batthry iv artillery on
+me.' 'I've broke something. What is it?' 'I cannot move me leg.' 'Curses
+on the Cavalry.' 'Have ye got th' time?' 'Oh me knee, how it aches me.'
+'Ha ha. Ha ha. Ha ha. Ha ha.' 'Veev, th' Impror.' 'Right about face,
+shouldher ar-rms, right shouldher shift arms. March.' A harsh,
+metallic voice in the distance: 'Gin-rals, leftnant Gin'rals, officers,
+sooz-officers, an' men--.' 'Tis th' boy's father. Th' boy pulls out his
+soord an' says he: 'Come on, let's fight. Play away there band. Blow
+fife and banners wave. Lave me at thim. Come on, come on!' an' he rushes
+out an' makes a stab at an Austhreech regimint that's come up to be
+dhrilled. Thin he undherstands 'twas all a dhream with him an' he
+raysumes his ol' job. In th' next act he dies."
+
+"That's a good act," said Mr. Hennessy.
+
+"'Tis fine. In Austhree where this happened whin a man dies ivrybody
+comes in to see him. Ye meet a frind on th' sthreet an' he says: 'Come
+on over an see Harrigan jump off.' So whin th' la-ad is r-ready f'r to
+go out ivry body gathers in his room. 'Tis a fash'nable ivint, like th'
+Horse Show. Among those prisint is his mother. She's a frivolous ol'
+loon, this Marie Louisa, that was Napolyon's sicond wife, though between
+you an' me, Father Kelly has niver reconized her as such, th' Impror
+havin' a wife livin' that was as tough as they make thim. But annyhow
+she was there. She hadn't done much f'r her son, but she come to see
+him off with siv'ral ladies that loved him an' others. Bein' a busy an'
+fashn'able woman she cudden't raymimber his name. At times she called
+him 'Frank' an' thin 'Fronzwah' an' 'Fritz' an' 'Ferdynand'--'twas
+a name beginnin' with 'f' she knew that--but he f'rgive her an' ast
+somewan to r-read to him. 'What shall it be?' says a gin'ral. 'R-read
+about th' time I was christened,' says th' boy. An' th' gin'ral r-reads:
+'At iliven o'clock at th' church iv Nothre Dame in th' prisince iv
+th' followin' princes--,' 'Cut out th' princes,' says th' la-ad. 'An'
+kings--' 'F'rget th' kings,' says th' lad. 'Th' son iv th' Impror--'
+'He's dead,' says th' doctor. 'Put on his white soot,' says th' Main
+Thing among th' Austhreeches that was again him fr'm th' beginnin'. An'
+there ye ar-re."
+
+"Is that all?" asked Mr. Hennessy.
+
+"That's all," said Mr. Dooley.
+
+"He died?"
+
+"He did."
+
+"But he was sthrong r-right up to th' end."
+
+"He was that. None sthronger."
+
+"An' what?" asked Mr. Hennessy, "did they do with th' soot iv clothes he
+ordhered fr'm th' tailor?"
+
+
+
+
+CASUAL OBSERVATIONS
+
+
+To most people a savage nation is wan that doesn't wear oncomf'rtable
+clothes.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Manny people'd rather be kilt at Newport thin at Bunker Hill.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+If ye live enough befure thirty ye won't care to live at all afther
+fifty.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+As Shakespere says, be thrue to ye'ersilf an' ye will not thin be false
+to ivry man.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Play actors, orators an' women ar-re a class be thimsilves.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Among men, Hinnissy, wet eye manes dhry heart.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Th' nearest anny man comes to a con-ciption iv his own death is lyin'
+back in a comfortable coffin with his ears cocked f'r th' flatthrin'
+remarks iv th' mourners.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A fanatic is a man that does what he thinks th' Lord wud do if He knew
+th' facts iv th' case.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A millionyaire--or man out iv debt--wanst tol' me his dhreams always
+took place in th' farm-house where he was bor-rn. He said th' dhreamin'
+iv his life was th' on'y part that seemed real.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+'Tis no job to find out who wrote an anonymous letter. Jus' look out iv
+th' window whin ye get it. 'Tis harder to do evil thin good be stealth.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A German's idee iv Hivin is painted blue an' has cast-iron dogs on th'
+lawn.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+No man was iver so low as to have rayspict f'r his brother-in-law.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Th' modhren idee iv governmint is 'Snub th' people, buy th' people, jaw
+th' people.'
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I wisht I was a German an' believed in machinery.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A vote on th' tallysheet is worth two in the box.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I care not who makes th' laws iv a nation if I can get out an
+injunction.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+An Englishman appears resarved because he can't talk.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+What China needs is a Chinese exclusion act.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+All th' wurruld loves a lover--excipt sometimes th' wan that's all th'
+wurruld to him.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A nation with colonies is kept busy. Look at England! She's like wan iv
+th' Swiss bell-ringers.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Th' paramount issue f'r our side is th' wan th' other side doesn't like
+to have mintioned.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+If ye put a beggar on horseback ye'll walk ye'ersilf.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+It takes a sthrong man to be mean. A mean man is wan that has th'
+courage not to be gin'rous. Whin I give a tip 'tis not because I want to
+but because I'm afraid iv what th' waiter'll think. Russell Sage is wan
+iv Nature's noblemen.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+An autocrat's a ruler that does what th' people wants an' takes th'
+blame f'r it. A constitootional ixicutive, Hinnissy, is a ruler that
+does as he dam pleases an' blames th' people.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+'Tis as hard f'r a rich man to enther th' kingdom iv Hiven as it is f'r
+a poor man to get out iv Purgatory.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Evil communications corrupt good Ph'lippeens.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Ivry man has his superstitions. If I look at a new moon over me shoulder
+I get a crick in me neck.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Thrust ivrybody--but cut th' ca-ards.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+If Rooshia wud shave we'd not be afraid iv her.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Some day th' Ph'lippeens 'll be known as th' Standard Isles iv th'
+Passyfic.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A woman's sinse iv humor is in her husband's name.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Most women ought niver to look back if they want a following.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+If ye dhrink befure siven ye'll cry befure iliven.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A man that'd expict to thrain lobsters to fly in a year is called a
+loonytic; but a man that thinks men can be tur-rned into angels be an
+iliction is called a rayformer an' remains at large.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Th' throuble with most iv us, Hinnissy, is we swallow pollytical idees
+befure they're ripe an' they don't agree with us.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Dhressmakers' bills sinds women into lithrachoor an' men into an early
+decline.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A bur-rd undher a bonnet is worth two on th' crown.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+People tell me to be frank, but how can I be whin I don't dare to know
+mesilf?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+People that talk loud an' offind ye with their insolence are usu'lly shy
+men thryin' to get over their shyness. 'Tis th' quite, resarved, ca'm
+spoken man that's mashed on himsilf.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+If men cud on'y enjye th' wealth an' position th' newspapers give thim
+whin they're undher arrest! Don't anny but prominent clubman iver elope
+or embezzle?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Miditation is a gift con-fined to unknown philosophers an' cows. Others
+don't begin to think till they begin to talk or write.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A good manny people r-read th' ol' sayin' "Larceny is th' sincerest form
+iv flatthry."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Tis a good thing th' fun'ral sermons ar-re not composed in th'
+confissional.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Most vigitaryans I iver see looked enough like their food to be classed
+as cannybals.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I don't see why anny man who believes in medicine wud shy at th' faith
+cure.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Miracles are laughed at be a nation that r-reads thirty millyon
+newspapers a day an' supports Wall sthreet.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+All men are br-rave in comp'ny an' cow'rds alone, but some shows it
+clearer thin others.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I'd like to tell me frind Tiddy that they'se a strenuse life an' a
+sthrenuseless life.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I'd like to've been ar-round in th' times th' historical novelists
+writes about--but I wudden't like to be in th' life insurance business.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I wondher why porthrait painters look down on phrenologists.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Di-plomacy is a continyual game iv duck on th' rock--with France th'
+duck.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Whin we think we're makin' a gr-reat hit with th' wurruld we don't know
+what our own wives thinks iv us.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of Project Gutenberg's Mr. Dooley's Philosophy, by Finley Peter Dunne
+
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