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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/7976-0.txt b/7976-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..1f4ea52 --- /dev/null +++ b/7976-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4892 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Mr. Dooley's Philosophy, by Finley Peter Dunne + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Mr. Dooley's Philosophy + +Author: Finley Peter Dunne + + +Release Date: April, 2005 [EBook #7976] +This file was first posted on June 8, 2003 +Last Updated: March 15, 2018 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: UTF-8 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MR. DOOLEY'S PHILOSOPHY *** + + + + +Produced by Juliet Sutherland, Marvin A. Hodges, Charles +Franks, and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + + + + + + +MR. DOOLEY'S PHILOSOPHY + +By Finley Peter Dunne + + +_Illustrated by_ F. OPPER. + + + +{Illustration: POOR PEOPLE 'LL HAVE SIMPLE MEALS.} + + + +_To the Hennessys of the world who suffer and are silent_ + + + + +PREFACE + + +The reporter of these monologues would apologize for the frequent +reappearances of Mr. Dooley, if he felt the old gentleman would +appreciate an apology in his behalf. But Mr. Dooley has none of the +modesty that has been described as “an invention for protection against +envy,” because unlike that one of his distinguished predecessors who +discovered this theory to excuse his own imperfect but boastful egotism, +he recognizes no such human failing as envy. Most of the papers in the +present collection of the sayings of this great and learned man have +appeared in the press of America and England. This will account for the +fact that they deal with subjects that have pressed hard upon the minds +of newspaper readers, statesmen, and tax-payers during the year. +To these utterances have been added a number of obiter dicta by the +philosopher, which, perhaps, will be found to have the reminiscent +flavor that appertains to the observations of all learned judges when +they are off the bench. + +In some cases the sketches have been remodeled and care has been taken +to correct typographical blunders, except where they seemed to improve +the text. In this connection the writer must offer his profound +gratitude to the industrious typographer, who often makes two jokes grow +where only one grew before, and has added generously to the distress of +amateur elocutionists. + +F. P. D. + + + + + +CONTENTS + + +A BOOK REVIEW AMERICANS ABROAD SERVANT GIRL PROBLEM THE TRANSVAAL +WAR AND WAR MAKERS UNDERESTIMATING THE ENEMY THE WAR EXPERT MODERN +EXPLOSIVES THE BOER MISSION THE CHINESE SITUATION MINISTER WU THE FUTURE +OF CHINA PLATFORM MAKING THE YACHT RACES POLYGAMY PUBLIC FICKLENESS +KENTUCKY POLITICS YOUNG ORATORY PUBLIC GRATITUDE MARRIAGE AND POLITICS +ALCOHOL AS FOOD HIGH FINANCE THE PARIS EXPOSITION CHRISTIAN JOURNALISM +THE ADMIRAL'S CANDIDACY CUSTOMS OF KENTUCKY A SOCIETY SCANDAL DOINGS OF +ANARCHISTS ANGLO-AMERICAN SPORTS VOICES FROM THE TOMB THE NEGRO PROBLEM +THE AMERICAN STAGE TROUBLES OF A CANDIDATE A BACHELOR'S LIFE THE +EDUCATION OF THE YOUNG “L'AIGLON” CASUAL OBSERVATIONS + + + + +A BOOK REVIEW + + +“Well sir,” said Mr. Dooley, “I jus' got hold iv a book, Hinnissy, that +suits me up to th' handle, a gran' book, th' grandest iver seen. Ye know +I'm not much throubled be lithrachoor, havin' manny worries iv me own, +but I'm not prejudiced again' books. I am not. Whin a rale good book +comes along I'm as quick as anny wan to say it isn't so bad, an' this +here book is fine. I tell ye 'tis fine.” + +“What is it?” Mr. Hennessy asked languidly. + +“'Tis 'Th' Biography iv a Hero be Wan who Knows.' 'Tis 'Th' Darin' +Exploits iv a Brave Man be an Actual Eye Witness.' 'Tis 'Th' Account iv +th' Desthruction iv Spanish Power in th' Ant Hills,' as it fell fr'm th' +lips iv Tiddy Rosenfelt an' was took down be his own hands. Ye see 'twas +this way, Hinnissy, as I r-read th' book. Whin Tiddy was blowed up +in th' harbor iv Havana he instantly con-cluded they must be war. +He debated th' question long an' earnestly an' fin'lly passed a jint +resolution declarin' war. So far so good. But there was no wan to carry +it on. What shud he do? I will lave th' janial author tell th' story in +his own wurruds. + +“'Th' sicrety iv war had offered me,' he says, 'th' command of a +rig'mint,' he says, 'but I cud not consint to remain in Tampa while +perhaps less audacious heroes was at th' front,' he says. 'Besides,' +he says, 'I felt I was incompetent f'r to command a rig'mint raised be +another,' he says. 'I detarmined to raise wan iv me own,' he says. 'I +selected fr'm me acquaintances in th' West,' he says, 'men that had +thravelled with me acrost th' desert an' th' storm-wreathed mountain,' +he says, 'sharin' me burdens an' at times confrontin' perils almost as +gr-reat as anny that beset me path,' he says. 'Together we had faced th' +turrors iv th' large but vilent West,' he says, 'an' these brave men +had seen me with me trusty rifle shootin' down th' buffalo, th' elk, th' +moose, th' grizzly bear, th' mountain goat,' he says, 'th' silver man, +an' other ferocious beasts iv thim parts,' he says. 'An' they niver +flinched,' he says. 'In a few days I had thim perfectly tamed,' he says, +'an' ready to go annywhere I led,' he says. 'On th' thransport goi'n to +Cubia,' he says, 'I wud stand beside wan iv these r-rough men threatin' +him as a akel, which he was in ivrything but birth, education, rank +an' courage, an' together we wud look up at th' admirable stars iv that +tolerable southern sky an' quote th' bible fr'm Walt Whitman,' he says. +'Honest, loyal, thrue-hearted la-ads, how kind I was to thim,' he says.” + +{Illustration: Read the articles by Roosevelt and Davis in the Car Fare +Magazine} + +“'We had no sooner landed in Cubia than it become nicessry f'r me to +take command iv th' ar-rmy which I did at wanst. A number of days was +spint be me in reconnoitring, attinded on'y be me brave an' fluent body +guard, Richard Harding Davis. I discovered that th' inimy was heavily +inthrenched on th' top iv San Juon hill immejiately in front iv me. At +this time it become apparent that I was handicapped be th' prisence iv +th' ar-rmy,' he says. 'Wan day whin I was about to charge a block house +sturdily definded be an ar-rmy corps undher Gin'ral Tamale, th' brave +Castile that I aftherwards killed with a small ink-eraser that I always +carry, I r-ran into th' entire military force iv th' United States lying +on its stomach. 'If ye won't fight,' says I, 'let me go through, 'I +says. 'Who ar-re ye?' says they. 'Colonel Rosenfelt,' says I. 'Oh, +excuse me,' says the gin'ral in command (if me mimry serves me thrue it +was Miles) r-risin' to his knees an' salutin'. This showed me 'twud be +impossible f'r to carry th' war to a successful con-clusion unless I +was free, so I sint th' ar-rmy home an' attackted San Juon hill. Ar-rmed +on'y with a small thirty-two which I used in th' West to shoot th' fleet +prairie dog, I climbed that precipitous ascent in th' face iv th' most +gallin' fire I iver knew or heerd iv. But I had a few r-rounds iv gall +mesilf an' what cared I? I dashed madly on cheerin' as I wint. Th' +Spanish throops was dhrawn up in a long line in th' formation known +among military men as a long line. I fired at th' man nearest to me an' +I knew be th' expression iv his face that th' trusty bullet wint home. +It passed through his frame, he fell, an' wan little home in far-off +Catalonia was made happy be th' thought that their riprisintative had +been kilt be th' future governor iv New York. Th' bullet sped on its mad +flight an' passed through th' intire line fin'lly imbeddin' itself in +th' abdomen iv th' Ar-rch-bishop iv Santiago eight miles away. This +ended th' war.' + +“'They has been some discussion as to who was th' first man to r-reach +th' summit iv San Juon hill. I will not attempt to dispute th' merits iv +th' manny gallant sojers, statesmen, corryspondints an' kinetoscope men +who claim th' distinction. They ar-re all brave men an' if they wish to +wear my laurels they may. I have so manny annyhow that it keeps me +broke havin' thim blocked an' irned. But I will say f'r th' binifit iv +Posterity that I was th' on'y man I see. An I had a tillyscope.'” + +“I have thried, Hinnissy,” Mr. Dooley continued, “to give you a fair +idee iv th' contints iv this remarkable book, but what I've tol' ye is +on'y what Hogan calls an outline iv th' principal pints. Ye'll have to +r-read th' book ye'ersilf to get a thrue conciption. I haven't time f'r +to tell ye th' wurruk Tiddy did in ar-rmin' an' equippin' himself, how +he fed himsilf, how he steadied himsilf in battle an' encouraged himsilf +with a few well-chosen wurruds whin th' sky was darkest. Ye'll have to +take a squint into th' book ye'ersilf to l'arn thim things.” + +“I won't do it,” said Mr. Hennessy. “I think Tiddy Rosenfelt is all +r-right an' if he wants to blow his hor-rn lave him do it.” + +“Thrue f'r ye,” said Mr. Dooley, “an' if his valliant deeds didn't get +into this book 'twud be a long time befure they appeared in Shafter's +histhry iv th' war. No man that bears a gredge again' himsilf 'll iver +be governor iv a state. An' if Tiddy done it all he ought to say so +an' relieve th' suspinse. But if I was him I'd call th' book 'Alone in +Cubia.'” + + + + +AMERICANS ABROAD + + +“I wondher,” said Mr. Dooley, “what me Dutch frind Oom Paul'll think +whin he hears that Willum Waldorf Asthor has given four thousan' pounds +or twinty thousan' iv our money as a conthribution to th' British +governmint?” + +“Who's Willum Waldorf Asthor?” Mr. Hennessy asked. “I niver heerd iv +him.” + +“Ye wudden't,” said Mr. Dooley. “He don't thravel in ye'er set. Willum +Waldorf Asthor is a gintleman that wanst committed th' sin iv bein' +bor-rn in this counthry. Ye know what orig-inal sin is, Hinnissy. Ye was +bor-rn with wan an' I was bor-rn with wan an' ivrybody was bor-rn with +wan. 'Twas took out iv me be Father Tuomy with holy wather first an' +be me father aftherward with a sthrap. But I niver cud find out what it +was. Th' sins I've committed since, I'm sure iv. They're painted red an' +carry a bell an' whin I'm awake in bed they stan' out on th' wall like +th' ilicthric signs they have down be State sthreet in front iv th' +clothin' stores. But I'll go to th' grave without knowin' exactly what +th' black orig-inal sin was I committed. All I know is I done wrong. +But with Willum Waldorf Asthor 'tis dif'rent. I say 'tis diff'rent with +Willum Waldorf Asthor. His orig-inal sin was bein' bor-rn in New York. +He cudden't do anything about it. Nawthin' in this counthry wud wipe +it out. He built a hotel intinded f'r jooks who had no sins but thim +iv their own makin', but even th' sight iv their haughty bills cud not +efface th' stain. He thried to live down his crime without success an' +he thried to live down to it be runnin' f'r congress, but it was no go. +No matther where he wint among his counthrymen in England some wan wud +find out he was bor-rn in New York an' th' man that ownded th' house +where he was spindin' th' night wud ast him if he was a cannibal an' had +he anny Indyan blood in his veins. 'Twas like seein' a fine lookin' +man with an intel-lecjal forehead an' handsome, dar-rk brown eyes an' +admirin' him, an' thin larnin' his name is Mudd J. Higgins. His accint +was proper an' his clothes didn't fit him right, but he was not bor-rn +in th' home iv his dayscindants, an' whin he walked th' sthreets iv +London he knew ivry polisman was sayin': 'There goes a man that pretinds +to be happy, but a dark sorrow is gnawin' at his bosom. He looks as if +he was at home, but he was bor-rn in New York, Gawd help him.” + +{Illustration} + + +“So this poor way-worn sowl, afther thryin' ivry other rimidy fr'm +dhrivin' a coach to failin' to vote, at las' sought out th' rile high +clark iv th' coort an' says he: 'Behold,' he says, 'an onhappy man,' he +says. 'With millyons in me pocket, two hotels an' onlimited credit, 'he +says, 'me hear-rt is gray,' he says. 'Poor sowl,' says th' clark iv th' +coort, 'What's ailin' ye'?' he says. 'Have ye committed some gr-reat +crime?' he says. 'Partly,' says Willum Waldorf Asthor. 'It was partly +me an' partly me folks,' he says. 'I was,' he says, in a voice broken be +tears, 'I was,' he says, 'bor-rn in New York,' he says. Th' clark made +th' sign iv th' cross an' says he: 'Ye shudden't have come here,' he +says. 'Poor afflicted wretch,' he says, 'ye need a clargyman,' he +says. 'Why did ye seek me out?' he says. 'Because,' says Willum Waldorf +Asthor, 'I wish,' he says, 'f'r to renounce me sinful life,' he says. 'I +wish to be bor-rn anew,' he says. An' th' clark bein' a kind man helps +him out. An' Willum Waldorf Asthor renounced fealty to all foreign +sovereigns, princes an' potentates an' especially Mack th' Wanst, or +Twict, iv th' United States an' Sulu an' all his wur-ruks an' he come +out iv th' coort with his hat cocked over his eye, with a step jaunty +and high, afther years iv servile freedom a bondman at last! + +“So he's a citizen iv Gr-reat Britain now an' a lile subject iv th' +Queen like you was Hinnissy befure ye was r-run out.” + +“I niver was,” said Mr. Hennessy. “Sure th' Queen iv England was +renounced f'r me long befure I did it f'r mesilf--to vote.” + +“Well, niver mind,” Mr. Dooley continued, “he's a citizen iv England an' +he has a castle that's as big as a hotel, on'y nobody goes there excipt +thim that's ast, an' not all of those, an' he owns a newspaper an' th' +editor iv it's the Prince iv Wales an' th' rayporthers is all jooks an' +th' Archbishop iv Canterbury r-runs th' ilivator, an' slug wan in th' +printin' office is th' Impror iv Germany in disgeese. 'Tis a pa-per I'd +like to see. I'd like to know how th' Jook iv Marlbro'd do th' McGovern +fight. An' some day Willum Waldorf Asthor'll be able to wurruk f'r +his own pa-aper, f'r he's goin' to be a earl or a markess or a jook +or somethin' gran'. Ye can't be anny iv these things without money, +Hinnissy, an' he has slathers iv it.” + +“Where does he get it?” demanded Mr. Hennessy. + +“F'rm this counthry,” said Mr. Dooley. + +“I shud think,” Mr. Hennessy protested stoutly, “if he's ashamed iv this +counthry he wudden't want to take money f'rm it.” + +“That's where ye're wrong,” Mr. Dooley replied. “Take money annywhere +ye find it. I'd take money f'rm England, much as I despise that formerly +haughty but now dejected land, if I cud get anny from there. An' whin ye +come down to it, I dinnaw as I blame Willum Waldorf Asthor f'r shiftin' +his allegiance. Ivry wan to his taste as th' man said whin he dhrank out +iv th' fire extinguisher. It depinds on how ye feel. If ye ar-re a tired +la-ad an' wan without much fight in ye, livin' in this counthry is +like thryin' to read th' Lives iv the Saints at a meetin' iv th' +Clan-na-Gael. They'se no quiet f'r annybody. They's a fight on ivry +minyit iv th' time. Ye may say to ye'ersilf: 'I'll lave these la-ads +roll each other as much as they plaze, but I'll set here in th' shade +an' dhrink me milk punch, but ye can't do it. Some wan 'll say, 'Look at +that gazabo settin' out there alone. He's too proud f'r to jine in our +simple dimmycratic festivities. Lave us go over an' bate him on th' +eye.' An' they do it. Now if ye have fightin' blood in ye'er veins ye +hastily gulp down yeer dhrink an' hand ye'er assailant wan that does him +no kind iv good, an' th' first thing ye know ye're in th thick iv it an' +its scrap, scrap, scrap till th' undhertaker calls f'r to measure ye. +An' 'tis tin to wan they'se somethin' doin' at th' fun'ral that ye're +sorry ye missed. That's life in America. Tis a gloryous big fight, a +rough an' tumble fight, a Donnybrook fair three thousan' miles wide an' +a ruction in ivry block. Head an' ban's an' feet an' th' pitchers on th' +wall. No holds barred. Fight fair but don't f'rget th' other la-ad may +not know where th' belt line is. No polisman in sight. A man's down with +twinty on top iv him wan minyit. Th' next he's settin' on th' pile usin' +a base-ball bat on th' neighbor next below him. 'Come on, boys, f'r +'tis growin' late, an' no wan's been kilt yet. Glory be, but this is th' +life!' + +“Now, if I'm tired I don't want to fight. A man bats me in th' eye an' +I call f'r th' polis. They isn't a polisman in sight. I say to th' +man that poked me: 'Sir, I fain wud sleep.' 'Get up,' he says, 'an' be +doin',' he says. 'Life is rale, life is earnest,' he says, 'an' man was +made to fight,' he says, fetchin' me a kick. An' if I'm tired I say, +'What's th' use? I've got plenty iv money in me inside pocket. I'll go +to a place where they don't know how to fight. I'll go where I can get +something but an argymint f'r me money an' where I won't have to rassle +with th' man that bates me carpets, ayether,' I says, 'f'r fifty cints +overcharge or good govermint,' I says. An' I pike off to what Hogan +calls th' effete monarchies iv Europe an' no wan walks on me toes, an' +ivry man I give a dollar to becomes an acrobat an' I live comfortably +an' die a markess! Th' divvle I do! + +“That's what I was goin' to say,” Mr. Hennessy remarked. “Ye wudden't +live annywhere but here.” + +“No,” said Mr. Dooley, “I wudden't. I'd rather be Dooley iv Chicago than +th' Earl iv Peltvule. It must be that I'm iv th' fightin' kind.” + + + + +SERVANT GIRL PROBLEM + + +Whin Congress gets through expellin' mimbers that believes so much in +mathrimony that they carry it into ivry relation iv life an' opens th' +dure iv Chiny so that an American can go in there as free as a Chinnyman +can come into this refuge iv th' opprissed iv th' wurruld, I hope'twill +turn its attintion to th' gr-reat question now confrontin' th' +nation--th' question iv what we shall do with our hired help. What shall +we do with thim? + +“We haven't anny,” said Mr. Hennessy. + +“No,” said Mr. Dooley. “Ar-rchey r-road has no servant girl problem. Th' +rule is ivry woman her own cook an' ivry man his own futman, an' be th' +same token we have no poly-gamy problem an' no open dure problem an' +no Ph'lippeen problem. Th' on'y problem in Ar-rchey r-road is how manny +times does round steak go into twelve at wan dollar-an-a-half a day. But +east iv th' r-red bridge, Hinnissy, wan iv th' most cryin' issues iv +th' hour is: What shall we do with our hired help? An' if Congress don't +take hold iv it we ar-re a rooned people.” + +“'Tis an ol' problem an' I've seen it arise an' shake its gory head +ivry few years whiniver th' Swede popylation got wurruk an' begun bein' +marrid, thus rayjoocin' th' visible supply iv help. But it seems 'tis +deeper thin that. I see be letters in th' pa-apers that servants is +insolent, an' that they won't go to wurruk onless they like th' looks iv +their employers, an' that they rayfuse to live in th' counthry. Why anny +servant shud rayfuse to live in th' counthry is more thin I can see. +Ye'd think that this disreputable class'd give annything to lave +th' crowded tinimints iv a large city where they have frinds be th' +hundherds an' know th' polisman on th' bate an' can go out to hateful +dances an' moonlight picnics--ye'd think these unforchnate slaves'd be +delighted to live in Mulligan's subdivision, amid th' threes an' flowers +an' bur-rds. Gettin' up at four o'clock in th' mornin' th' singin' +iv th' full-throated alarm clock is answered be an invisible choir iv +songsters, as Shakespere says, an' ye see th' sun rise over th' hills as +ye go out to carry in a ton iv coal. All day long ye meet no wan as +ye thrip over th' coal-scuttle, happy in ye'er tile an' ye'er heart is +enlivened be th' thought that th' childher in th' front iv th' house +ar-re growin' sthrong on th' fr-resh counthry air. Besides they'se +always cookin' to do. At night ye can set be th' fire an' improve ye'er +mind be r-readin' half th' love story in th' part iv th' pa-aper that +th' cheese come home in, an' whin ye're through with that, all ye have +to do is to climb a ladder to th' roof an' fall through th' skylight an' +ye're in bed.” + +{Illustration} + + +“But wud ye believe it, Hinnissy, manny iv these misguided women rayfuse +f'r to take a job that aint in a city. They prefer th' bustle an' +roar iv th' busy marts iv thrade, th' sthreet car, th' saloon on three +corners an' th' church on wan, th' pa-apers ivry mornin' with pitchers +iv th' s'ciety fav'rite that's just thrown up a good job at Armours to +elope with th' well-known club man who used to be yard-masther iv th' +three B's, G, L, & N., th' shy peek into th' dhry-goods store, an' other +base luxuries, to a free an' healthy life in th' counthry between iliven +P.M. an' four A.M. Wensdahs an' Sundahs. 'Tis worse thin that, Hinnissy, +f'r whin they ar-re in th' city they seem to dislike their wurruk an' +manny iv thim ar-re givin' up splindid jobs with good large families +where they have no chanst to spind their salaries, if they dhraw thim, +an' takin' places in shops, an' gettin' marrid an' adoptin' other +devices that will give thim th' chanst f'r to wear out their good +clothes. 'Tis a horrible situation. Riley th' conthractor dhropped in +here th' other day in his horse an' buggy on his way to the dhrainage +canal an' he was all wurruked up over th' question. 'Why,' he says, +''tis scand'lous th' way servants act,' he says. 'Mrs. Riley has +hystrics,' he says. 'An' ivry two or three nights whin I come home,' he +says, 'I have to win a fight again' a cook with a stove lid befure I +can move me family off th' fr-ront stoop,' he says. 'We threat thim well +too,' he says. 'I gave th' las' wan we had fifty cints an' a cook book +at Chris'mas an' th' next day she left befure breakfast,' he says. 'What +naytionalties do ye hire?' says I. 'I've thried thim all,' he says, +'an',' he says, 'I'll say this in shame,' he says, 'that th' Irish ar-re +th' worst,' he says. 'Well,' says I, 'ye need have no shame,' I says, +'f'r'tis on'y th' people that ar-re good servants that'll niver be +masthers,' I says. 'Th' Irish ar-re no good as servants because they +ar-re too good,' I says. 'Th' Dutch ar-re no good because they aint good +enough. No matther how they start they get th' noodle habit. I had wan, +wanst, an' she got so she put noodles in me tay,' I says. 'Th' Swedes +ar-re all right but they always get marrid th' sicond day. Ye'll have a +polisman at th' dure with a warrant f'r th' arrist iv ye'er cook if ye +hire a Boheemyan,' I says. 'Coons'd be all right but they're liable f'r +to hand ye ye'er food in ragtime, an' if ye ordher pork-chops f'r dinner +an' th' hall is long, 'tis little ye'll have to eat whin th' platter's +set down,' I says. 'No,' says I, 'they'se no naytionality now livin' in +this counthry that're nathral bor-rn servants,' I says. 'If ye want +to save throuble,' I says, 'ye'll import ye'er help. They'se a race +iv people livin' in Cinthral Africa that'd be jus' r-right. They niver +sleep, tkey can carry twice their weight on their backs, they have no +frinds, they wear no clothes, they can't read, they can't dance an' +they don't dhrink. Th' fact is they're thoroughly oneddycated. If ye +cud tache thim to cook an' take care iv childher they'd be th' best +servants,' says I. 'An' what d'ye call thim?' says he. 'I f'rget,' says +I. An' he wint away mad.” + +“Sure an' he's a nice man to be talkin' iv servants,” said Mr. Hennessy. +“He was a gintleman's man in th' ol' counthry an' I used to know his +wife whin she wurruked f'r ----” + +“S-sh,” said Mr. Dooley. “They're beyond that now. Besides they speak +fr'm experyence. An' mebbe that's th' throuble. We're always harder with +our own kind thin with others. 'Tis I that'd be th' fine cinsor iv a +bartinder's wurruk. Th' more ye ought to be a servant ye'ersilf th' more +difficult'tis f'r ye to get along with servants. I can holler to anny +man fr'm th' top iv a buildin' an' make him tur-rn r-round, but if I +come down to th' sthreet where he can see I aint anny bigger thin he is, +an' holler at him, 'tis twinty to wan if he tur-rns r-round he'll hit me +in th' eye. We have a servant girl problem because, Hinnissy, it isn't +manny years since we first begun to have servant girls. But I hope +Congress'll take it up. A smart Congress like th' wan we have now ought +to be able to spare a little time fr'm its preparation iv new Jims iv +speech f'r th' third reader an' rig up a bill that'd make keepin' house +a recreation while so softenin' th' spirit iv th' haughty sign iv a +noble race in th' kitchen that cookin' buckwheat cakes on a hot day with +th' aid iv a bottle iv smokeless powdher'd not cause her f'r to sind a +worthy man to his office in slippers an' without a hat.” + +“Ah,” said Mr. Hennessy, the simple democrat. “It wud be all r-right if +women'd do their own cookin'.” + +“Well,” said Mr. Dooley. “'Twud be a return to Jacksonyan simplicity, +an' 'twud be a gr-reat thing f'r th' resthrant business.” + + + + +THE TRANSVAAL + + +“It looks like war,” said Mr. Hennessy, who had been glancing at the +flaming head-lines of an evening paper over Mr. Dooley's shoulder. + +“It always does,” said Mr. Dooley. “Since th' Czar iv Rooshia +inthrajooced his no-fight risolution, they'se been no chanst that they +wudden't be ructious.” + +“An' what's it all about?” demanded Mr. Hennessy. “I can't make head nor +tail iv it at all, at all.” + +“Well ye see 'tis this way,” said Mr. Dooley. “Ye see th' Boers is a +simple, pasthral people that goes about their business in their own way, +raisin' hell with ivrybody. They was bor-rn with an aversion to society +an' whin th' English come they lit out befure thim, not likin' their +looks. Th' English kept comin' an' the Boers kept movin' till they +cudden't move anny further without bumpin' into th' Soodanese ar-rmy an' +thin they settled down an' says they, 'This far shall we go,' says +they, bein' a rellijous people, 'an' divvle th' sthep further.' An' they +killed off th' irrelijous naygurs an' started in f'r to raise cattle. +An' at night they'd set outside iv their dorps, which, Hinnissy, is +Dutch f'r two-story brick house an' lot, an' sip their la-ager an' swap +horses an' match texts fr'm th' Bible f'r th' seegars, while th' childer +played marbles with dimons as big as th' end iv ye'er thumb. + +“Well, th' English heerd they was goold be th' bucket in ivry cellar +fr'm Oopencoff to Doozledorf, which, Hinnissy, is like New York an' San +Francisco, bein' th' exthreme pints iv th' counthry, an' they come on +in gr-reat hordes, sturdy Anglo-Saxons fr'm Saxony, th' Einsteins an' +Heidlebacks an' Werners an' whin they took out goold enough so's they +needed raycreation they wanted to vote. 'An',' says Joe Chamberlain, he +says, 'Be hivins, they shall vote,' he says. 'Is it,' he says, 'possible +that at this stage iv th' world's progress' he says, 'an English +gintleman shud be denied,' he says, 'th' right to dhrop off a thrain +annywhere in th' civilized wurruld an' cast his impeeryal vote?' he +says. 'Give thim th' franchise,' he says, 'or be this an' be that!' +he says, 'f'r we have put our hand to th' plough, an' we will not turn +back,' he says. + +{Illustration} + +“Kruger, that's th' main guy iv th' Dutch, a fine man, Hennissy, that +looks like Casey's goat an' has manny iv th' same peculyarities, he +says, 'All r-right,' he says, 'I'll give thim th' franchise,' he says. +'Whin?' says Joe Chamberlain. 'In me will,' says Kruger. 'Whin I die,' +he says, 'an' I hope to live to be a hundherd if I keep on smokin' +befure breakfast,' he says, 'I'll bequeath to me frinds, th' English, or +such iv thim as was here befure I come, th' inalienable an' sacred right +to demand fr'm me succissor th' privilege iv ilictin' an aldherman,' he +says. 'But,' he says, 'in th' mane-time,' he says, 'we'll lave things +the way they are,' he says. 'I'm old,' he say, 'an' not good-lookin',' +he says, 'an' me clothes don't fit an' they may be marks iv food on me +vest,' he says, 'but I'm not more thin half crazy an' annytime ye find +me givin' annywan a chanst to vote me into a job dhrivin' a mule an' put +in an English prisidint iv this ray-public,' he says, 'ye may conclude +that ye'er Uncle Paul needs a guarjeen!' he says. + +“'Far be it fr'm me to suggist anny but peaceful measures,' says Sir +Alfred Milner, that's th' lad they have down in Africa, th' Injun agent, +'f'r th' English an' Dutch shud wurruk together like brothers f'r +th' removal iv th' naygur popylation,' he says, 'but,' he says, 'as a +brother I politely suggest to ye that if ye don't give us what we want +we'll hand ye a fraternal punch!' he says. 'F'r,' he says,' 'we have put +our hand to th' plough,' he says, 'an' we cannot turn back,' he says. + +“'What Sir Alfred Milner says is thrue,' says Lord Lelborne, an' what +th' divvle he has to do about it I dinnaw. 'Th' situation is such,' he +says, 'as to be intol'rable to a silf-rayspictin' Englishman,' he says. +'What a crime,' he says, 'that th' men who ar-re takin' most iv th' +money out iv th' counthry shud not be allowed to stick in anny iv th' +votes,' he says. 'We have, as Shakespeare says, put our hand to th' +plough,' he says, 'an' we cannot turn back,' he says. 'I agree corjally +with th' noble lord on th' r-red lounge abaft me,' says Lord Salisbury. +'With the echoes of me own noble sintimints on th' peace proclamation iv +me good frind, th' Czar iv Rooshia, still ringin' in me ears,' he says, +'it wud ill become me to speak iv foorce,' he says. 'I wud on'y say +that if th' Transvaal raypublic wud rather have a Dum-dum bullet in its +tum-tum thin grant to Englishmen th' r-right to run th' govermint, thin +th' Transvaal rapublic'll have both!' he says. 'I will add,' he says, +'that we have put our hand to th' plough an' we will not turn back,' he +says. + +“Well, sir, 'twas up to Kruger an' he knocked th' ashes out iv his pipe +on his vest an' says he, 'Gintlemen,' he says, 'I wud like to do me +best to accomydate ye,' he says. 'Nawthin' short iv a severe attack +iv sickness wud plaze me so much as to see long lines iv Englishmen +marchin' up to th' polls an' depositin' their ballots again' me f'r +prisidint,' he says. 'But,' he says, 'I'm an old man!' he says. 'I was +ilicted young an' I niver done annything since,' he says. 'I wudden't +know what to do without it,' he says. 'What ye propose is to make an +ex-prisidint iv me. D'ye think I cud stand that? D'ye think at my age +I wud be contint to dash fr'm wan justice coort to another pleadin' f'r +habyas-corpus writs or test me principles iv personal expansion in a Noo +Jarsey village?' he says. 'I'd rather be a dead prisidint thin a live +ex-prisidint. If I have anny pollytical ambition I'd rather be a Grant +or a Garfield thin a Cleveland or a Harrison,' he says. 'I may've read +it in th' Bible, though I think I saw it in a scand'lous book me frind +Rhodes left in his bedroom las' time he called on me, that ye shud niver +discard an ace to dhraw to a flush,' he says. 'I deplore th' language +but th' sintimint is sound,' he says. 'An' I believe ye'er intintions +to presarve peace ar-re honest, but I don't like to see ye pullin' off +ye'er coat an' here goes f'r throuble while ye have ye'er arms in th' +sleeves,' he says. 'F'r,' he says, 'ye have put ye'er hand in th' reaper +an' it cannot turn back,' he says. + +“An' there they go, Hinnissy. I'm not again England in this thing, +Hinnissy, an' I'm not again th' Boers. Like Mack I'm divided on a +matther iv principle between a desire to cemint th' 'lieance an' an +affiction f'r th' Dutch vote. But if Kruger had spint his life in a rale +raypublic where they burn gas he cud've settled th' business without +losin' sleep. If I was Kruger there'd've been no war.” + +“What wud ye have done?” Mr. Hennessy asked. + +“I'd give thim th' votes,” said Mr. Dooley. “But,” he added +significantly, “I'd do th' countin'.” + + + + +WAR AND WAR MAKERS + + +“I tell ye, Hinnissy,” said Mr. Dooley, “Ye can't do th' +English-speakin' people. Oursilves an' th' hands acrost th' sea ar-re +rapidly teachin' th' benighted Lutheryan an' other haythin that as a +race we're onvincible an' oncatcheable. Th' Anglo-Saxon race meetin's +now going on in th' Ph'lippeens an' South Africa ought to convince +annywan that give us a fair start an' we can bate th' wurruld to a +tillygraft office. + +“Th' war our cousins be Sir Thomas Lipton is prosecutin', as Hogan says, +again th' foul but accrate Boers is doin' more thin that. It's givin' us +a common war lithrachoor. I wudden't believe at first whin I r-read th' +dispatches in th' pa-apers that me frind Gin'ral Otis wasn't in South +Africa. It was on'y whin I see another chapter iv his justly cillybrated +seeryal story, intitled 'Th' Capture iv Porac' that I knew he had an +imitator in th' mother counthry. An' be hivins, I like th' English +la-ad's style almost as well as our own gr-reat artist's. Mebbe'tis, +as th' pa-apers say, that Otis has writ himsilf out. Annyhow th' las' +chapter isn't thrillin'. He says: 'To-day th' ar-rmy undher my command +fell upon th' inimy with gr-reat slaughter an' seized th' important +town of Porac which I have mintioned befure, but,' he says, 'we ar-re +fortunately now safe in Manila.' Ye see he doesn't keep up th' intherest +to th' end. Th' English pote does betther.” + +“'Las' night at eight o'clock,' he says, 'we found our slendher but +inthrepid ar-rmy surrounded be wan hundhred thousan' Boers,' he says. +'We attackted thim with gr-reat fury,' he says, 'pursuin' thim up th' +almost inaccessible mountain side an' capturin' eight guns which we +didn't want so we give thim back to thim with siveral iv our own,' +he says. 'Th' Irish rig'mints,' he says, 'th' Kerry Rifles, th' Land +Leaguers' Own, an' th' Dublin Pets, commanded be th' Pop'lar Irish sojer +Gin'ral Sir Ponsonby Tompkins wint into battle singin' their well-known +naytional anthem: “Mrs. Innery Awkins is a fust-class name!” Th' Boers +retreated,' he says, 'pursued be th' Davitt Terrors who cut their way +through th' fugitives with awful slaughter,' he says. 'They have now,' +he says, 'pinethrated as far us Pretoria,' he says, 'th' officers +arrivin' in first-class carredges an' th' men in thrucks,' he says, +'an' ar-re camped in th' bettin' shed where they ar-re afforded ivry +attintion be th' vanquished inimy,' he says. 'As f'r us,' he says, 'we +decided afther th' victhry to light out f'r Ladysmith.' he says, 'Th' +inimy had similar intintions,' he says, 'but their skill has been vastly +overrated,' he says. 'We bate thim,' he says 'we bate thim be thirty +miles,' he says. That's where we're sthrong, Hinnissy. We may get licked +on th' battle field, we may be climbin' threes in th' Ph'lippeens with +arrows stickin' in us like quills, as Hogan says, into th' fretful +porcupine or we may be doin' a mile in five minyits flat down th' pike +that leads to Cape Town pursued be th' less fleet but more ignorant +Boers peltin' us with guns full iv goold an' bibles, but in th' pages iv +histhry that our childhren read we niver turned back on e'er an inimy. +We make our own gloryous pages on th' battlefield, in th' camp an' in +th' cab'net meetin'.” + +“Well, 't is all r-right f'r ye to be jokin',” said Mr. Hennessy, “but +there's manny a brave fellow down there that it's no joke to.” + +“Thrue f'r ye,” said Mr. Dooley, “an' that's why I wisht it cud be fixed +up so's th' men that starts th' wars could do th' fightin'. Th' throuble +is that all th' prelimin'ries is arranged be matchmakers an' all they'se +left f'r fighters is to do th' murdherin'. A man's got a good job at +home an' he wants to make it sthronger. How can he do it? Be throwin' +out some one that's got an akelly good job down th' sthreet. Now he +don't go over as I wud an' say, 'Here Schwartzmeister (or Kruger as th' +case may be) I don't like ye'er appearance, ye made a monkey iv me in +argymint befure th' neighborhood an' if ye continyue in business ye'll +hurt me thrade, so here goes to move ye into th' sthreet!' Not +that la-ad. He gets a crowd around him an' says he: 'Kruger (or +Schwartzmeister as th' case may be) is no good. To begin with he's a +Dutchman. If that ain't enough he's a cantin', hymn singin' murdhrous +wretch that wuddent lave wan iv our counthrymen ate a square meal if he +had his way. I'll give ye all two dollars a week if ye'll go over an' +desthroy him.' An' th' other la-ad, what does he do? He calls in th' +neighbors an' says he: 'Dooley is sindin' down a gang iv savages +to murdher me. Do ye lave ye'er wurruk an' ye'er families an' rally +ar-round me an' where ye see me plug hat wave do ye go in th' other +direction,' he says, 'an' slay th' brutal inimy,' he says. An' off goes +th' sojers an' they meet a lot iv la-ads that looks like thimsilves an' +makes sounds that's more or less human an' ates out iv plates an' they +swap smokin' tobacco an' sings songs together an' th' next day they're +up early jabbing holes in each other with baynits. An' whin its all +over they'se me an' Chamberlain at home victoryous an' Kruger an' +Schwartzmeister at home akelly victoryous. An' they make me prime +minister or aldherman but whin I want a man to put in me coal I don't +take wan with a wooden leg. + +“I'll niver go down again to see sojers off to th' war. But ye'll see me +at th' depot with a brass band whin th' men that causes wars starts f'r +th' scene iv carnage. Whin Congress goes forth to th' sun-kissed an' +rain jooled isles iv th' Passyfic no more heartier cheer will be beard +thin th' wan or two that rises fr'm th' bosom iv Martin Dooley. Says I, +give thim th' chanst to make histhry an' lave th' young men come home +an' make car wheels. If Chamberlain likes war so much 'tis him that +ought to be down there in South Africa peltin' over th' road with ol' +Kruger chasin' him with a hoe. Th' man that likes fightin' ought to be +willin' to turn in an' spell his fellow-counthrymen himsilf. An' +I'd even go this far an' say that if Mack wants to subjoo th' dam +Ph'lippeens----” + +“Ye're a thraitor,” said Mr. Hennessy. + +“I know it,” said Mr. Dooley, complacently. + +“Ye're an anti-expansionist.” + +“If ye say that again,” cried Mr. Dooley, angrily, “I'll smash in ye'er +head.” + + + + +UNDERESTIMATING THE ENEMY + + +“What d'ye think iv th' war?” Mr. Hennessy asked. + +“I think I want to go out an' apologize to Shafter,” said Mr. Dooley. + +“I'm like ivrybody else, be hivins, I thought war was like shootin' +glass balls. I niver thought iv th' glass balls thrainin' a dinnymite +gun on me. 'Tis a thrait iv us Anglo-Saxons that we look on an inimy as +a target. If ye hit him ye get three good see-gars. We're like people +that dhreams iv fights. In me dhreams I niver lost wan fight. A man I +niver saw befure comes up an' says something mane to me, that I can't +raymimber, an' I climb into him an' 'tis all over in a minyit. He niver +hits me, or if he does I don't feel it. I put him on his back an' bate +him to death. An' thin I help mesilf to his watch an' chain an' +me frinds come down an' say, 'Martin, ye haven't a scratch,' an' +con-grathlate me, an' I wandher ar-roun' th' sthreets with a chip on me +shoulder till I look down an' see that I haven't a stitch on me but a +short shirt. An' thin I wake up. Th' list iv knock-outs to me credit +in dhreams wud make Fitzsimmons feel poor. But ne'er a wan iv thim was +printed in th' pa-apers.” + +“'Tis so with me frinds, th' hands acrost th' sea. They wint to sleep +an' had a dhream. An' says they: 'We will sind down to South Africa thim +gallant throops that have won so manny hard-fought reviews,' they says, +'captained,' they says, 'be th' flower iv our aristocracy,' they says. +'An' whin th' Boers come out ar-rmed with rollin' pins an' bibles,' they +says, 'We'll just go at thim,' they says, 'an' walk through thim an' +that night we'll have a cotillyon at Pretoria to which all frinds is +invited,' they says. An' so they deposit their intellects in th' bank +at home, an' th' absent-minded beggars goes out in thransports iv +pathreetism an' pothry. An' they'se a meetin' iv th' cabinet an' 'tis +decided that as th' war will on'y las' wan week 'twill be well f'r +to begin renamin' th' cities iv th' Thransvaal afther pop'lar English +statesmen--Joechamberlainville an' Rhodesdorp an' Beitfontein. F'r they +have put their hands to th' plough an' th' sponge is squeezed dhry, an' +th' sands iv th' glass have r-run out an' th' account is wiped clean.” + +“An' what's th' Boer doin' all this time? What's me frind th' Boer +doin'. Not sleepin', Hinnissy, mind ye. He hasn't anny dhreams iv +conquest. But whin a man with long whiskers comes r-ridin' up th' r-road +an' says: 'Jan Schmidt or Pat O'Toole or whativer his name is, ye're +wanted at th' front,' he goes home an' takes a rifle fr'm th' wall an' +kisses his wife an' childher good-bye an' puts a bible in th' tails iv +his coat an' a stovepipe hat on his head an' thramps away. An' his wife +says: 'Good-bye, Jan. Don't be long gone an' don't get shooted.' An' he +says: 'Not while I've got a leg undher me an' a rock in front iv me,' he +says. I tell ye, Hinnissy, ye can't beat a man that fights f'r his home +an' counthry in a stovepipe hat. He might be timpted f'r to come out +fr'm cover f'r his native land, but he knows if he goes home to his wife +with his hat mussed she won't like it, an' so he sets behind a rock an' +plugs away. If th' lid is knocked off he's fatally wounded.” + +“What's th' raysult, Hinnissy? Th' British marches up with their bands +playin' an' their flags flyin'. An' th' Boers squat behind a bouldher +or a three or set comfortable in th' bed iv a river an' bang away. Their +on'y thradition is that it's betther to be a live Boer thin a dead hero, +which comes, perhaps, to th' same thing. They haven't been taught +f'r hundherds iv years that 'tis a miracle f'r to be an officer an' a +disgrace to be a private sojer. They know that if they're kilt they'll +have their names printed in th' pa-apers as well as th' Markess iv +Doozleberry that's had his eyeglass shot out. But they ain't lookin' f'r +notoriety. All they want is to get home safe, with their counthry free, +their honor protected an' their hats in good ordher. An' so they hammer +away an' th' inimy keeps comin', an' th' varyous editions iv th' +London pa-apers printed in this counthry have standin' a line iv type +beginnin', 'I regret to state.'” + +“All this, Hinnissy, comes fr'm dhreamin' dhreams. If th' British had +said, 'This unclean an' raypeecious people that we're against is also +very tough. Dirty though they be, they'll fight. Foul though their +nature is, they have ca'tridges in their belts. This not bein' England +an' th' inimy we have again us not bein' our frinds, we will f'rget th' +gloryous thraditions iv th' English an' Soudan ar-rmies an' instead iv +r-rushin' on thim sneak along yon kindly fence an' hit thim on th' back +iv th' neck,'--they'd be less, 'I r-regret-to-states' and more 'I'm +plazed-to-reports.' They wud so, an' I'm a man that's been through +columns an' columns iv war. Ye'll find, Hinnissy, that 'tis on'y +ar-rmies fights in th' open. Nations fights behind threes an' rocks. +Ye can put that in ye're little book. 'Tis a sayin' I made as I wint +along.” + +“We done th' same way oursilves,” said Mr. Hennessy. + +“We did that,” said Mr. Dooley. “We were in a dhream, too. Th' on'y +thing is th' other fellow was in a thrance. We woke up first. An' +anny-how I'm goin' to apologize to Shafter. He may not have anny medals +f'r standin' up in range iv th' guns but, be hivins, he niver dhrove his +buckboard into a river occypied be th' formerly loathed Castile.” + + + + +THE WAR EXPERT + + +Mr. Dooley was reading the war news--not our war news but the war news +we are interested in--when Mr. Hennessy interrupted him to ask “What's a +war expert?” + +“A war expert,” said Mr. Dooley, “is a man ye niver heerd iv befure. +If ye can think iv annywan whose face is onfamilyar to ye an' ye don't +raymimber his name, an' he's got a job on a pa-aper ye didn't know was +published, he's a war expert. 'Tis a har-rd office to fill. Whin a war +begins th' timptation is sthrong f'r ivry man to grab hold iv a gun +an go to th' fr-ront. But th' war expert has to subjoo his cravin' f'r +blood. He says to himsilf 'Lave others seek th' luxuries iv life in +camp,' he says. 'F'r thim th' boat races acrost th' Tugela, th' romp +over the kopje, an' th' game iv laager, laager who's got th' laager?' he +says. 'I will stand be me counthry,' he says, 'close,' he says. 'If it +falls,' he says, 'it will fall on me,' he says. An' he buys himsilf a +map made be a fortune teller in a dhream, a box iv pencils an' a field +glass, an' goes an' looks f'r a job as a war expert. Says th' editor +iv th' pa-aper: 'I don't know ye. Ye must be a war expert,' he says. 'I +am,' says th' la-ad. 'Was ye iver in a war?' says th' editor. 'I've been +in nawthin' else,' says th' la-ad. 'Durin' th' Spanish-American War, +I held a good job as a dhramatic critic in Dedham, Matsachoosets,' he +says. 'Whin th' bullets flew thickest in th' Soodan I was spoortin' +editor iv th' Christyan Advocate,' he says. 'I passed through th' +Franco-Prooshan War an' held me place, an' whin th' Turks an' Rooshans +was at each other's throats, I used to lay out th' campaign ivry day on +a checker board,' he says. 'War,' he says, has no turrors f'r me,' he +says. 'Ye're th man f'r th' money,' says th' editor. An' he gets th' +job.” + +“Thin th' war breaks out in earnest. No matther how manny is kilt, +annything that happens befure th' war expert gets to wurruk is on'y what +we might call a prelimin'ry skirmish. He sets down an' bites th' end +iv his pencil an' looks acrost th' sthreet an' watches a man paintin' a +sign. Whin th' man gets through he goes to th' window an' waits to see +whether th' polisman that wint into th' saloon is afther a dhrink or +sarvin' a warrant. If he comes r-right out 'tis a warrant. Thin he sets +back in a chair an' figures out that th' pitchers on th' wall pa-aper +ar-re all alike ivry third row. Whin his mind is thurly tuned up be +these inthricate problems, he dashes to his desk an' writes what you an' +I read th' nex' day in th' pa-apers.” + +“Clarence Pontoon, th' military expert iv th' London Mornin' Dhram, +reviewin' Gin'ral Buller's position on th' Tugela, says: 'It is manifest +fr'm th' dispatches tellin' that Gin'ral Buller has crost th' Tugela +River that Gin'ral Buller has crost th' Tugela River. This we r-read +in spite iv th' cinsor. Th' question is which side he has crost to. On +Friday he was on th' north side in th' mornin' an' on th' south side at +night, an' in th' river at noon. We heerd nawthin' Sathurdah mornin'. +Th' presumption is that they was nawthin' to hear. Therefore it is +aisy to imagine Gin'ral Buller, findin' his position on th' north +side ontenable an' his position on th' south side onbearable, is +thransportin' his troops up th' river on rafts an' is now engagin' +th' inimy between Spitzozone an' Rottenfontein, two imminsely sthrong +points. All this dimonsthrates th' footility an' foolishness iv +attimptin' to carry a frontal position agains' large, well-fed Dutchmen +with mud in th' fr-ront iv thim.” + +“'I cal'clate that it wud require thirty millyon thurly dauntless +Britions to ixicute such a manoover, tin Boers ar-rmed with pop bottles +bein' now considhered th' akel iv a brigade. What I wud do if I was +Buller, an' I thank Hivin I'm not, wud be move me ar-rmy in half-an-hour +over th' high but aisily accessible mountains to th' right iv +Crowrijoy's forces, an' takin' off me shoes so he cudden't hear thim +squeak, creep up behind th' Dutch an' lam their heads off. Afther this +sthroke 'twud be aisy f'r to get th' foorces iv Fr-rinch, Gatacre, +Methoon, an' Winston Churchill together some afthernoon, invite th' +inimy to a band concert, surround an' massacree thim. This adroit move +cud be ixicuted if Roberts wud on'y make use iv th' ixicillint bus +sarvice between Hokesmith an' Mikesmith. It is exthraordinary that th' +gin'ral on th' groun' has not seen th' possibilities so apparent at a +distance.'” + +“That's wan kind iv war expert, Hinnissy. Another kind is th' wan that +gives it good to th' gover'mint. Says Willum McGlue, war expert iv +th' London Mornin' Growl, who's supposed to be cheek be jowl with Lord +Wolseley. 'England's greatness is slippin' away. Th' failure iv th' +gover'mint to provide a well-equipped, thurly pathriotic ar-rmy iv Boers +to carry on this war undher th' leadership iv gallant Joobert is +goin' to be our roonation. We ar-re bethrayed be a lazy, effete, +side-whiskered, golf-playin' gover'mint that wud rather lose this fight +thin win it because they ar-re tired iv holdin' office. What can be said +f'r public men so lost to shame that they spell Kopje with a “c” + an' ar-re sindin' Englishmen to th' ends iv th' wurruld to fight f'r +England? Down with thim!'” + +“Well sir, 'tis a gr-reat thing f'r a counthry to have th' likes iv thim +ar-round to direct manoovers that'd be gatherin' dust on th' shelf if +th' gin'rals had their say, an' to prove to th' wurruld that th' English +ar-re not frivolous, excitable people like us an' th' Frinch, but can +take a batin' without losin' their heads.” + +“Sure,” said Mr. Hennessy, “tis not thim that does th' fightin'. Th' +la-ads with th' guns has that job.” + +“Well,” said Mr. Dooley, “they'se two kinds iv fightin'. Th' experts +wants th' ar-rmy to get into Pretoria dead or alive, an' th' sojers +wants to get in alive. I'm no military expert, Hinnissy. I'm too well +known. But I have me own opinyon on th' war. All this talk about th' +rapid fire gun an' modhren methods iv warfare makes me wondher. They'se +not so much diff'rence between war now an' war whin I was a kid, as they +let on. Th' gun that shoots ye best fr'm a distance don't shoot ye so +well close to. A pile iv mud is a pile iv mud now just th' same as it +was whin Gin'ral Grant was pokin' ar-round. If th' British can get over +th' mud pile they win th' fight. If they can't they're done. That's all +they'se to it. Mos' men, sthrongest backs, best eyes an' th' ownership +iv th' mud piles. That's war, Hinnissy. Th' British have th' men. +They're shy iv backs, eyes an' mud piles, an' they will be until they +larn that sheep-herdin' an' gin'ralship ar-re diff'rent things, an' fill +up their ar-rmy with men that ar-re not fightin' f'r money or glory, but +because they want to get home to their wives alive.” + +“Ye talk like an' ol book,” said Mr. Hennessy, in disgust. “Ye with +ye-re maundhrin' ar-re no betther thin thim expert la-ads.” + +“Well annyhow,” said Mr. Dooley thoughtfully, “th' expert is sarvin' a +useful purpose. Th' papers says th' rapid fire gun'll make war in th' +future impossible. I don't think that, but I know th' expert will.” + + + + +MODERN EXPLOSIVES + + +“If iver I wanted to go to war,” said Mr. Dooley, “an' I niver did, th' +desire has passed fr'm me iv late. Ivry time I read iv th' desthructive +power iv modhern explosives col' chills chase each other up an' down me +spine.” + +“What's this here stuff they calls lyddite?” Mr. Hennessy asked. + +“Well, 'tis th' divvle's own med'cine,” said Mr. Dooley. “Compared with +lyddite joynt powdher is Mrs. Winslow's soothin' surup, an' ye cud lave +th' childher play base-ball with a can iv dinnymite. 'Tis as sthrong as +Gin'ral Crownjoy's camp th' day iv th' surrinder an' almost as sthrong +as th' pollytics iv Montana. Th' men that handles it is cased in six +inch armor an' played on be a hose iv ice wather. Th' gun that shoots +it is always blown up be th' discharge. Whin this deadly missile flies +through th' air, th' threes ar-re withered an' th' little bur-rds falls +dead fr'm th' sky, fishes is kilt in th' rivers, an' th' tillyphone +wires won't wurruk. Th' keen eyed British gunners an' corryspondints +watches it in its hellish course an' tur-rn their faces as it falls into +th' Boer trench. An' oh! th' sickly green fumes it gives off, jus' like +pizen f'r potato bugs! There is a thremenjous explosion. Th' earth is +thrown up f'r miles. Horses, men an' gun carredges ar-re landed in th' +British camp whole. Th' sun is obscured be Boer whiskers turned green. +Th' heart iv th' corryspondint is made sick be th' sight, an' be th' +thought iv th' fearful carnage wrought be this dhread desthroyer in th' +ranks iv th' brave but misguided Dutchmen. Th' nex' day deserters fr'm +th' Boer ranks reports that they have fled fr'm th' camp, needin' a +dhrink an' onable to stand th' scenes iv horror. They announce that th' +whole Boer ar-rmy is as green as wall paper, an' th' Irish brigade has +sthruck because ye can't tell their flag fr'm th' flag iv th' r-rest iv +th' Dutch. Th' Fr-rinch gin'ral in command iv th' Swedish corps lost +his complexion an' has been sint to th' hospital, an' Mrs. Gin'ral +Crownjoy's washin' that was hangin' on th' line whin th' bombardmint +comminced is a total wreck which no amount iv bluin' will save. Th' +deserters also report that manny iv th' Boers ar-re outspannin', +trekkin', loogerin', kopjein' an' veldtin' home to be dyed, f'r'tis not +known whether lyddite is a fast color or will come out in th' wash.” + +“In spite iv their heavy losses th' Boers kept up a fierce fire. They +had no lyddite, but with their other divvlish modhern explosives they +wrought thremenjous damage. F'r some hours shells burst with turr'ble +precision in th' British camp. Wan man who was good at figures counted +as manny as forty-two thousan' eight hundhred an' sivin burstin' within +a radyus iv wan fut. Ye can imagine th' hor-rible carnage. Colonel C. G. +F. K. L. M. N. O. P. Hetherington-Casey-Higgins lost his eye-glass +tin times, th' las' time almost swallowin' it, while ye'er faithful +corryspondint was rindered deaf be th' explosions. Another Irish +rig'mint has disappearded, th' Twelve Thousandth an' Eighth, Dublin +Fusiliers. Brave fellows, 'tis suspicted they mistook th' explosion of +lyddite f'r a Pathrick's Day procession an' wint acrost to take a look +at it.” + +“Murdher, but 'tis dhreadful to r-read about. We have to change all our +conciptions iv warfare. Wanst th' field was r-red, now 'tis a br-right +lyddite green. Wanst a man wint out an' died f'r his counthry, now they +sind him out an' lyddite dyes him. What do I mane? 'Tis a joke I made. +I'll not explane it to ye. Ye wudden't undherstand it. 'Tis f'r th' +eddycated classes.” + +“How they're iver goin' to get men to fight afther this I cudden't tell +ye. 'Twas bad enough in th' ol' days whin all that happened to a sojer +was bein' pinithrated be a large r-round gob iv solder or stuck up on +th' end iv a baynit be a careless inimy. But now-a-days, they have th' +bullet that whin it enthers ye tur-rns ar-round like th' screw iv a +propeller, an' another wan that ye might say goes in be a key-hole an' +comes out through a window, an' another that has a time fuse in it +an' it doesn't come out at all but stays in ye, an' mebbe twinty years +afther, whin ye've f'rgot all about it an' ar-re settin' at home with +ye'er fam'ly, bang! away it goes an' ye with it, carryin' off half iv +th' roof. Thin they have guns as long as fr'm here to th' rollin' mills +that fires shells as big as a thrunk. Th' shells are loaded like a +docthor's bag an' have all kinds iv things in thim that won't do a bit +iv good to man or beast. If a sojer has a weak back there's something +in th' shell that removes a weak back; if his head throubles him, he can +lose it; if th' odher iv vilets is distasteful to him th' shell smothers +him in vilet powdher. They have guns that anny boy or girl who knows th' +typewriter can wurruk, an' they have other guns on th' music box plan, +that ye wind up an' go away an' lave, an' they annoy anny wan that comes +along. They have guns that bounces up out iv a hole in th' groun', fires +a millyon shells a minyit an' dhrops back f'r another load. They have +guns that fire dinnymite an' guns that fire th' hateful, sickly green +lyddite that makes th' inimy look like fiat money, an' guns that fire +canned beef f'r th' inimy an' distimper powdher for th' inimy's horses. +An' they have some guns that shoot straight.” + +“Well, thin,” Mr. Hennessy grumbled, “it's a wondher to me that with all +thim things they ain't more people kilt. Sure, Gin'ral Grant lost more +men in wan day thin th' British have lost in four months, an' all he had +to keep tab on was ol' fashioned bullets an' big, bouncin' iron balls.” + +“Thrue,” said Mr. Dooley. “I don't know th' reason, but it mus' be that +th' betther gun a man has th' more he thrusts th' gun an' th' less he +thrusts himsilf. He stays away an' shoots. He says to himsilf, he says: +'They'se nawthin' f'r me to do,' he says, 'but load up me little lyddite +cannon with th' green goods,' he says, 'an' set here at the organ,' +he says, 'pull out th' stops an' paint th' town iv Pretoria green,' he +says. 'But,' he says, 'on sicond thought, suppose th' inimy shud hand it +back to me,' he says. 'Twud be oncomfortable,' he says. 'So,' he says, +'I'll jus' move me music back a mile,' he says, 'an' peg away, an' th' +longest gun takes th' persimmons,' he says. 'Tis this way: If ye an' I +fall out an' take rifles to each other, 'tis tin to wan nayether iv us +gets clost enough to hit. If we take pistols th' odds is rayjooced. If +we take swords I may get a hack at ye, but if we take a half-nelson lock +'tis even money I have ye'er back broke befure th' polis comes.” + +“I can see in me mind th' day whin explosives'll be so explosive an' +guns'll shoot so far that on'y th' folks that stay at home'll be kilt, +an' life insurance agents'll be advisin' people to go into th' ar-rmy. I +can so. 'Tis thrue what Hogan says about it.” + +“What's that?” Mr. Hennessy asked. + +“Th' nation,” said Mr. Dooley, “that fights with a couplin' pin extinds +its bordhers at th' cost iv th' nation that fights with a clothes pole.” + +“Well, sir,” said Mr. Dooley, “tis a fine rayciption th' Boer dillygates +is havin' in this counthry.” + +“They'll be out here nex' week,” said Mr. Hennessy. + +“They will that,” Mr. Dooley replied, “an' we'll show thim that +our inthrest in small raypublics fightin' f'r their liberty ain't +disappeared since we become an impeeryal nation. No, sir. We have as +much inthrest as iver, but we have more inthrests elsewhere.” + +“Oom Paul, he says to th' la-ads: 'Go,' he says, 'to me good an' great +frind, Mack th' Wanst, an' lay th' case befure him,' he says. 'Tell +him,' he says, 'that th' situation is just th' same as it was durin' +Wash'nton's time,' he says, 'on'y Wash'nton won, an' we're rapidly +losin' kopjes till we soon won't have wan to sthrike a match on,' he +says. An' off goes th' good men. Whin they started the Boers was doin' +pretty well, Hinnissy. They were fightin' Englishmen, an' that's a lawn +tinnis to a rale fightin' man. But afther awhile the murdherin' English +gover'mint put in a few recreent but gallant la-ads fr'm th' ol' +dart--we ought to be proud iv thim, curse thim--Pat O'Roberts, an' Mike +McKitchener, an' Terrence O'Fr-rinch--an' they give th' view--halloo +an' wint through th' Dutch like a party comin' home fr'm a fifteenth +iv August picnic might go through a singerbund. So be th' time th' +dillygates got to Europe it was: 'James, if thim br-rave but misguided +Dutch appears, squirt th' garden hose on thim. I'll see th' British +embassadure this afthernoon.' Ye see, Hinnissy, 'twas ol' Kruger's play +to keep on winnin' battles till th' dillygates had their say. Th' +amount iv sympathy that goes out f'r a sthrugglin' people is reg'lated, +Hinnissy, be th' amount iv sthrugglin' th' people can do. Th' wurruld, +me la-ad, is with th' undher dog on'y as long as he has a good hold an' +a chanst to tur-rn over.” + +“Well, sir, whin th' dillygates see they cudden't do business in Europe, +says they to thimsilves: 'We'll pike acrost th' ragin' sea,' they says, +'an in th' home iv Wash'nton, Lincoln, an' Willum J. Bryan, ye bet we'll +have a hearin',' an' they got wan. Ivrybody's listenin' to thim. But no +wan replies. If they'd come here three months ago, befure Crownjoy was +suffocated out iv his hole in th' groun', they'd be smokin' their pipes +in rockin' chairs on th' veranda iv th' white house an' passin' th' +bucket between thim an' Mack. But 'tis diff'rent now. 'Tis diff'rent +now. Says Willum J. Bryan: 'I can't see thim mesilf, f'r it may not be +long befure I'll have to dale with these inthricate problems, I hope +an' pray, but Congressman Squirtwather, do ye disguise ye'ersilf as a +private citizen an' go down to th' hotel an' tell these la-ads that +I'm with thim quietly if public opinyon justifies it an' Mack takes +th' other side. Tell thim I frequently say to mesilf that they're all +r-right, but I wudden't want it to go further. Perhaps they cud be +injooced to speak at a dimmycratic meetin' unbeknown to me,' he says. + +“Sicrety Hay meets thim in a coal cellar, wearin' a mask. 'Gintlemen,' +says he, 'I can assure ye th' prisidint an' mesilf feels mos' deeply f'r +ye. I needn't tell ye about mesilf,' he says. 'Haven't I sint me own son +into ye'er accursed but liberty-lovin' counthry,' he says. 'As f'r Mack, +I assure ye he's hear-rtbroken over th' tur-rn affairs have taken,' he +says. 'Early in th' war he wrote to Lord Salisberry, sayin' he hoped +'twud not be continyued to iliction day, an' Salisberry give him a gruff +response. Tur-rned him down, though both ar-re Anglo-Saxons,' he says. +'Las' night his sobs fairly shook th' white house as he thought iv ye +an' ye'er sthruggle. He wants to tell ye how much he thinks iv ye, an' +he'll meet ye in th' carredge house if ye'll shave off ye'er whiskers +an' go as clam-peddlers. Ye'll reco'nize him in a green livery. He'll +wear a pink carnation in his buttonhole. Give th' names iv Dorsey an' +Flannagan, an' if th' English ambassadure goes by get down on ye'er +ban's an' knees an' don't make a sign till he's out iv sight,' he says. +'Th' stout party in blue near by'll be Mark Hanna. He may be able to +arrange a raypublican meetin' f'r ye to addhress,' he says. 'The gr-reat +hear-rt iv th' raypublican party throbs f'r ye. So does Mack's,' he +says. 'So does mine,' he says.” + +“Well, th' dillygates met Mack an' they had a pleasant chat. 'Will ye,' +says they, 'inthervene an' whistle off th' dogs iv war?' they says. +'Whisper,' says Mack, th' tears flowin' down his cheeks. 'Iver since +this war started me eyes have been fixed on th' gallant or otherwise, +nation or depindancy, fightin' its brave battle f'r freedom or rebellin' +again' th' sov'reign power, as the case may be,' he says. 'Unofficially, +my sympathy has gone out to ye, an' bur-rnin' wurruds iv unofficial +cheer has been communicated unofficially be me to me official fam'ly, +not, mind ye, as an official iv this magnificent an' liberty-lovin' +raypublic, but as a private citizen,' he says. 'I feel, as a private +citizen, that so long,' he says, 'as the br-right star iv liberty shines +resplindent over our common counthries, with th' example iv Washin'ton +in ye'er eyes, an' th' iliction comin' on, that ye must go forward an' +conker or die,' he says. 'An',' he says, 'Willum McKinley is not th' man +to put annything in ye'er way,' he says. 'Go back to me gr-reat an' good +frind an' tell him that th' hear-rt iv th' raypublican party throbs +f'r him,' he says. 'An' Sicrety Hay's,' he says, 'an' mine,' he says, +'unofficially,' he says. 'Me official hear-rt,' he says, 'is not +permitted be th' constitootion to throb durin' wurrukin' hours,' he +says. + +“An' so it goes. Ivrywhere th' dillygates tur-rns they see th' sign: +'This is me busy day.' An' whin they get back home they can tell +th' people they found th' United States exudin' sympathy at ivry +pore--'marked private.'” + +“Don't ye think th' United States is enthusyastic f'r th' Boers?” asked +the innocent Hennessy. + +“It was,” said Mr. Dooley. “But in th' las' few weeks it's had so manny +things to think iv. Th' enthusyasm iv this counthry, Hinnissy, always +makes me think iv a bonfire on an ice-floe. It burns bright so long as +ye feed it, an' it looks good, but it don't take hold, somehow, on th' +ice.” + + + + +THE CHINESE SITUATION + + +“Well, sir,” said Mr. Hennessy, “to think iv th' audacity iv thim +Chinymen! It do bate all.” + +“It do that,” said Mr. Dooley. “It bates th' wurruld. An' what's it +comin' to? You an' me looks at a Chinyman as though he wasn't good f'r +annything but washin' shirts, an' not very good at that. Tis wan iv th' +spoorts iv th' youth iv our gr-reat cities to rowl an impty beer keg +down th' steps iv a Chinee laundhry, an' if e'er a Chinyman come out +to resint it they'd take him be th' pigtail an' do th' joynt swing with +him. But th' Chinyman at home's a diff'rent la-ad. He's with his frinds +an' they're manny iv thim an' he's rowlin' th' beer kegs himsilf +an' Westhren Civilization is down in th' laundhry wondhrin' whin th' +police'll come along.” + +“Th' Lord f'rgive f'r sayin' it, Hinnissy, but if I was a Chinyman, +which I will fight anny man f'r sayin,' an' was livin' at home, I'd tuck +me shirt into me pants, put me braid up in a net, an' go out an' take +a fall out iv th' in-vader if it cost me me life. Here am I, Hop Lung +Dooley, r-runnin' me little liquor store an' p'rhaps raisin' a family in +th' town iv Koochoo. I don't like foreigners there anny more thin I do +here. Along comes a bald-headed man with chin whiskers from Baraboo, +Wisconsin, an' says he: 'Benighted an' haythen Dooley,' says he, 'ye +have no God,' he says. 'I have,' says I. 'I have a lot iv thim,' says I. +'Ye ar-re an oncultivated an' foul crather,' he says. 'I have come six +thousan' miles f'r to hist ye fr'm th' mire iv ignorance an' irrellijon +in which ye live to th' lofty plane iv Baraboo,' he says. An' he sets +down on an aisy chair, an' his wife an' her friends come in an' they +inthrojooce Mrs. Dooley to th' modhren improvements iv th' corset an' +th' hat with th' blue bur-rd onto it, an' put shame into her because she +hasn't let her feet grow, while th' head mission'ry reads me a pome out +iv th' _Northwesthren Christyan Advocate_. 'Well,' says I, 'look here, +me good fellow,' I says. 'Me an' me people has occypied these here +primises f'r manny years,' I says, 'an' here we mean to stay,' I says. +'We're doin' th' best we can in th' matther iv gods,' says I. 'We have +thim cast at a first-rate foundhry,' I says, 'an' we sandpa-aper thim +ivry week,' says I. 'As f'r knowin' things,' I says, 'me people wrote +pomes with a markin' brush whin th' likes iv ye was r-runnin' ar-round +wearin' a short pelisse iv sheepskins an' batin' each other to death +with stone hammers,' says I. An' I'm f'r firin' him out, but bein' a +quite man I lave him stay.” + +“Th' nex' day in comes a man with a suit iv clothes that looks like a +tablecloth in a section house, an' says he: 'Poor ignorant haythen,' he +says, 'what manner iv food d'ye ate?' he says. 'Rice,' says I, 'an' rats +is me fav'rite dish,' I says. 'Deluded wretch,' says he. 'I riprisint +Armour an' Company, an' I'm here to make ye change ye'er dite,' he says. +'Hinceforth ye'll ate th' canned roast beef iv merry ol' stock yards or +I'll have a file iv sojers in to fill ye full iv ondygistible lead,' +he says. An' afther him comes th' man with Aunt Miranda's Pan Cakes +an' Flaked Bran an' Ye'll-perish-if-ye-don't-eat-a-biscuit an' other +riprisintatives iv Westhern Civilization, an' I'm to be shot if I don't +take thim all.” + +“Thin a la-ad runs down with a chain an' a small glass on three sticks +an' a gang iv section men that answers to th' name iv Casey, an' +pro-ceeds f'r to put down a railroad. 'What's this f'r?' says I. 'We +ar-re th' advance guard iv Westhren Civilization,' he says, 'an we're +goin' to give ye a railroad so ye can go swiftly to places that ye don't +want to see,' he says. 'A counthry that has no railroads is beneath +contimpt,' he says. 'Casey,' he says, 'sthretch th' chain acrost yon +graveyard,' he says. 'I aim f'r to put th' thrack just befure that large +tombstone marked Riquiescat in Pace, James H. Chung-a-lung,' he says. +'But,' says I, 'ye will disturb pah's bones,' says I, 'if ye go to +layin' ties,' I says. 'Ye'll be mixin' up me ol' man with th' Cassidy's +in th' nex' lot that,' I says, 'he niver spoke to save in anger in his +life,' I says. 'Ye're an ancestor worshiper, heathen,' says the la-ad, +an' he goes on to tamp th' mounds in th' cimitry an ballast th' thrack +with th' remains iv th' deceased. An' afther he's got through along +comes a Fr-rinchman, an' an Englishman, an' a Rooshan, an' a Dutchman, +an' says wan iv them: 'This is a comfortable lookin' saloon,' he says. +'I'll take th' bar, ye take th' ice-box an' th' r-rest iv th' fixtures.' +'What f'r?' says I. 'I've paid th' rent an' th' license,' says I. 'Niver +mind,' says he. 'We're th' riprisintatives iv Westhren Civilization,' +he says, 'an' 'tis th' business iv Westhren Civilization to cut up th' +belongings iv Easthren Civilization,' he says. 'Be off,' he says, 'or +I'll pull ye'er hair,' he says. 'Well,' says I, 'this thing has gone +far enough,' I says. 'I've heerd me good ol' cast-iron gods or josses +abused,' I says, 'an' I've been packed full iv canned goods, an' th' +Peking Lightnin' Express is r-runnin' sthraight through th' lot where +th' bones iv me ancesthors lies,' I says. 'I've shtud it all,' I says, +'but whin ye come here to bounce me off iv me own primises,' I says, +'I'll have to take th' leg iv th' chair to ye,' I says. An' we're to th' +flure.” + +“That's th' way it stands in Chiny, Hinnissy, an' it looks to me as +though Westhren Civilization was in f'r a bump. I mind wanst whin a +dhrunk prize fighter come up th' r-road and wint to sleep on Slavin's +steps. Some iv th' good sthrong la-ads happened along an' they were near +bein' at blows over who shud have his watch an' who shud take his hat. +While they were debatin' he woke up an' begin cuttin' loose with hands +an' feet, an' whin he got through he made a collection iv th' things +they dhropped in escapin' an' marched ca'mly down th' sthreet. Mebbe +'twill tur-rn out so in Chiny, Hinnissy. I see be th' pa-apers that +they'se four hundherd millyons iv thim boys an' be hivins! 'twuddent +surprise me if whin they got through batin' us at home, they might say +to thimsilves: 'Well, here goes f'r a jaunt ar-roun' the wurruld.' Th' +time may come, Hinnissey, whin ye'll be squirtin' wather over Hop Lee's +shirt while a man named Chow Fung kicks down ye'er sign an' heaves rocks +through ye'er windy. The time may come, Hinnissy. Who knows?” + +“End ye'er blather,” said Mr. Hennessy. “They won't be anny Chinymen +left whin Imp'ror Willum gets through.” + +“Mebbe not,” says Mr. Dooley. “He's a sthrong man. But th' Chinymen have +been on earth a long time, an' I don't see how we can push so manny iv +thim off iv it. Annyhow, 'tis a good thing f'r us they ain't Christyans +an' haven't larned properly to sight a gun.” + + + + +MINISTER WU + + +“Well, sir, me little Chinee frind Woo must be havin' th' time iv his +life in Wash'nton these warm days,” said Mr. Dooley. + +“Who's he?” asked Mr. Hennessy. + +“He's th' Chinee ministher,” said Mr. Dooley, “an' his business is f'r +to supply fresh hand-laundhried misinformation to the sicrety iv state. +Th' sicrety iv state is settin' in his office feelin' blue because +he's just heerd be a specyal corryspondint iv th' London Daily Pail at +Sydney, Austhreelya, who had it fr'm a slatewriter in Duluth that an +ar-rmy iv four hundherd an' eight thousan' millyon an' sivinty-five +bloodthirsty Chinee, ar-rmed with flatirnes an' cryin', 'Bung Loo!' +which means, Hinnissy, 'Kill th' foreign divvles, dhrive out th' +missionries, an' set up in Chiny a gover'mint f'r the Chinee,' is +marchin' on Vladivostook in Siberyia, not far fr'm Tinsin.” + +A knock comes at th' dure an' Woo enthers. 'Well,' says he, with a happy +smile, ''tis all right.' 'What's all right?' says the sicrety iv state. +'Ivrything,' says Woo. 'I have just found a letter sewed in a shirt fr'm +me frind Lie Much, th' viceroy iv Bumbang. It is dated th' fourth hour +iv th' third day iv th' eighth or green-cheese moon,' he says. 'What day +is that?' says the sicrety iv state. 'It's Choosdah, th' fourth iv July; +Winsdah, th' eighth iv October, an' Thursdah, the sivinteenth iv March,' +he says. 'Pathrick's day,' says th' sicrety iv state. 'Thrue f'r ye,' +says Woo. 'What year?' says Jawn Hay. 'The year iv th' big wind,' says +Woo. 'Good,' says John Hay, 'proceed with ye'er story.' 'Here's th' +letther,' says Woo. 'I know 'tis genooyine because it is an ol' dhress +patthern used be th' impress. It says: 'Oscar Woo, care iv himsilf, +annywhere: Dear Woo, brother iv th' moon, uncle iv th' sun, an' roommate +iv th' stars, dear sir: Yours iv th' eighth day iv th' property moon +rayceived out iv th' air yesterdah afthernoon or to-morrow, an' was glad +to note ye ar-re feelin' well. Ivrything over here is th' same ol' +pair iv boots. Nawthin' doin'. Peking is as quiet as th' gr-rave. Her +majesty, th' impress, is sufferin' slightly fr'm death be poison, but is +still able to do th' cookin' f'r the Rooshan ambassadure. Th' impror was +beheaded las' week an' feels so much betther f'r the op'ration that he +expicts to be quarthered nex' Sundah. He's always wanted to rayjooce his +weight. Some iv th' Boxers called on th' foreigners at Tinsin las' week +an' met a warrum rayciption. Th' foreigners aftherward paid a visit to +thim through a hole in th' wall, an' a jolly day concluded with a foot +race, at which our people are becomin' expert. Some iv th' boys expicts +to come up to Peking nex' week, an' th' people along th' line iv th' +railroad are gettin' ready f'r thim. This is really all the news I have, +excipt that cherries ar-re ripe. Me pin is poor, me ink is dhry, me love +f'r you can niver die. Give me regards to Sicrety Hay whin he wakes up. +I remain, illusthrus cousin iv th' risin' dawn, thruly ye'ers, Li. + +P. S.--If ye need anny more information take a longer dhraw.' + +“'That,' says Woo, 'is wan way iv r-readin' it. Read upside down it says +that the impress has become a Swedenboorjan. I will r-read it standin' +on me head whin I get home where I can pin down me overskirt; thin I'll +r-read it in a lookin' glass; thin I'll saw it into sthrips an' r-run +it through a wringer an' lave it stand in a tub iv bluein', an' whin its +properly starched I'll find out what it says. Fin'lly I'll cut it into +small pieces an' cook with rice an' lave it to rest in a cool place, an' +thin 'twill r-read even betther. I hope ye're satisfied,' he says. +'I am,' says Jawn Hay. 'I'll tillygraft to Mark that ivrything is all +r-right,' he says, 'an' that our relations with his majesty or her +majesty or their Boxerships or th' Down-with-th'-foreign-divvlers or +whoiver's runnin' th' shop over beyant are as they ought to be or worse +or betther, as th' case may be,' he says. 'Good,' says Woo, 'ye're a man +afther me own heart,' he says. 'I'll sind ye a little book wrote be a +frind iv mine in Peking,' he says. ''Tis called “Heart to Heart Lies +I Have Had,” he says. 'Ye'll like it,' he says. 'In the manetime,' he +says, 'I must write a secret message to go out be to-night's hot-air +express to me corryspondint in Meriden, Connecticut, urgin' him to sind +more im-peeryal edicks iv a fav'r-able nature,' he says. 'I've on'y had +twinty so far, an' I'm gettin' scrivener's palsy,' he says. 'But befure +I go,' he says, 'I bet ye eight millyon yens, or three dollars an' +eighty-four cints iv ye'er money, that ye can't pick out th' shell this +here pea is undher,' he says. An' they set down to a game iv what is +known at Peking as diplomacy, Hinnissy, but on Randolph sthreet viadock +is called the double dirty.” + +“I don't believe wan wurrud iv what's in th' pa-apers about Chiny,” said +Mr. Hennessy. + +“Well,” said Mr. Dooley, “if ye believe annything ye'll believe +ivrything. 'Tis a grand contist that's goin' on between Westhren an' +Easthren civilliezation. 'Tis a joke iv me own, Hinnissy, an' +ye'd undherstand it if ye knew spellin. Th' Westhren civilization, +Hinnissy--that's us--is a pretty good liar, but he's a kind iv +rough-an'-tumble at it. He goes in head down, an' ivry lie he tells +looks like all th' others. Ye niver see an Englishman that had anny +judgment in lyin'. Th' corryspondint iv th' Daily Pail is out iv his +class. He's carryin' lies to Lieville. How in th' wurruld can we compete +with a counthry where ivry lab'rer's cottage projooces lies so delicate +that th' workmen iv th' West can't undherstand thim? We make our lies be +machinery; they tur-rn out theirs be hand. They imitate th' best iv our +canned lies to deceive people that likes that kind, but f'r artists they +have lies that appeals to a more refined taste. Sure I'd like to live +among thim an' find out th' kind iv bouncers they tell each other. They +must be gr-rand. I on'y know their export lies now--th' surplus lies +they can't use at home. An' th' kind they sind out ar-re betther thin +our best. Our lies is no more thin a conthradiction iv th' thruth; their +lies appeals to th' since iv honesty iv anny civilized man.” + +“They can't hurt us with their lies,” said Mr. Hennessy of our Western +civilization. “We have th' guns an' we'll bate thim yet.” + +“Yes,” said Mr. Dooley, “an' 'twill be like a man who's had his house +desthroyed be a cyclone gettin' up an' kickin' at th' air.” + + + + +THE FUTURE OF CHINA + + +“Be th' time th' Chinese gets through with this here job o' theirs,” + said Mr. Dooley, “they'll know a thing or two about good manners an' +Christyan idees.” + +“They need thim,” said Mr. Hennessy. + +“They do so,” said Mr. Dooley. “An' they'll get thim. By an' by th' +allied foorces will proceed to Peking. It may not be in ye'er life time +or in mine, or in th' life time iv th' ministhers, Hinnissy. They ar-re +in no hurry. Th' ministhers ar-re as comfortable as they can be on a +dite iv polo ponies an' bamboo, an' they have exercise enough dodgin' +cannon balls to have no fear iv indygisthion. They'se no need of haste. +Th' allied foorces must take no step forward while wan ar-rmed foe +survives. It was rayported last week that th' advance had begun, but on +sindin' out scouts 'twas discovered that th' asphalt road to th' capital +was not r-ready an' th' gallant sojer boys was afraid to risk their +beecycles on a defictive pavement. Thin th' parlor cars ordhered be th' +Rooshan admiral has not arrived an' wan iv th' Frinch gin'rals lost an +omelette, or whativer 'tis they wear on their shouldhers, an' he won't +budge till it can be replaced fr'm Pahrs. A sthrong corps iv miners an' +sappers has gone ahead f'r to lo-cate good resthrants on th' line iv +march, but th' weather is cloudy an' th' silk umbrellys haven't +arrived, an' they'se supposed to be four hundhred millyon Chiny-men with +pinwheels an' Roman candles blockin' th' way, so th' advance has been +postponed indifinitely. Th' American foorces is r-ready f'r to start +immejately, but they ar-re not there yet. Th' British gin'ral is waitin' +f'r th' Victorya cross befure he does annything, an' th' Japanese an' +th' Rooshan is dancin' up an' down sayin' 'Afther you, me boy.'” + +“But afther awhile, whin th' frost is on th' pumpkin an' th' corn is in +th' shock, whin th' roads has been repaired, an' ivry gin'ral's lookin' +his best, an' in no danger iv a cold on th' chist, they'll prance away. +An' whin they get to th' city iv Peking a fine cillybration is planned +be th' mission'ries. I see th' programme in th' pa-aper: First day, +10 A.M., prayers be th' allied mission'ries; 1 P.M., massacree iv the +impress an' rile fam'ly; sicond day, 10 A.M., scatthrin' iv remains +iv former kings; 11 A.M., disecration iv graves gin'rally; 2 P.M., +massacree iv all gin'rals an' coort officials; third day, 12 noon, +burnin' iv Peking; foorth day, gran' pop'lar massacree an' division iv +territ'ry, th' cillybration to close with a rough-an'-tumble fight among +th' allies.” + +“'Twill be a gr-reat occasion, Hinnissy, an' be-dad I'd like to be +there to see it. Ye can't go too sthrong again' th' Chinee. Me frind th' +impror iv Germany put it right. 'Brave boys,' says he, 'ye ar-re goin' +out now,' he says, 'f'r to carry th' light iv Christyanity,' he says, +'an' th' teachin's iv th' German Michael,' he says, 'to th' benighted +haythen beyant,' he says. 'Me an' Mike is watchin' ye' he says, 'an' we +ixpict ye to do ye'er duty,' he says. 'Through you,' he says, 'I propose +to smash th' vile Chinee with me mailed fist,' he says. 'This is no +six-ounce glove fight, but demands a lunch-hook done up in eight-inch +armor plate,' he says. 'Whin ye get among th' Chinee,' he says, +'raymimber that ye ar-re the van guard iv Christyanity,' he says, 'an' +stick ye'er baynet through ivry hated infidel ye see,' he says. 'Lave +thim undherstand what our westhren civilization means,' he says, 'an' +prod thim good an' hard,' he says. 'Open their heads with ye'er good +German swords to Eu-ropyan culture an' refinement,' he says. 'Spare no +man that wears a pigtail,' he says. 'An,' he says, 'me an' th' German +Michael will smile on ye as ye kick th' linin' out iv th' dhragon an' +plant on th' walls iv Peking th' banner,' he says, 'iv th' cross, an',' +he says, 'th' double cross,' he says. 'An' if be chance ye shud pick up +a little land be th' way, don't lave e'er a Frinchman or Rooshan take +it fr'm ye, or ye'll feel me specyal delivery hand on th' back iv ye'er +neck in a way that'll do ye no kind iv good. Hock German Michael,' he +says, 'hock me gran'father, hoch th' penny postage fist,' he says, 'hock +mesilf,' he says. An th' German impror wint back to his bedroom f'r to +wurruk on th' book he's goin' to br-ring out nex' year to take th' place +iv th' bible. + +“He's th' boy f'r me money. Whin th' German throops takes their part +in th' desthruction iv Peking they'll be none iv th' allied foorces 'll +stick deeper or throw th' backbone iv th' impress' ol' father higher +thin th' la-ads fr'm th' home iv th' sausage. I hope th' cillybration +'ll occur on Chris'mas day. I'd like to hear th' sojers singin' 'Gawd +r-rest ye, merry Chinnymen' as they punchered thim with a baynit.” + +“'Twill be a good thing,” said Mr. Hennessy. + +“It will that,” said Mr. Dooley. + +“'Twill civilize th' Chinnymen,” said Mr. Hennessy. + +“'Twill civilize thim stiff,” said Mr. Dooley. “An' it may not be a bad +thing f'r th' r-rest iv th' wurruld. Perhaps contack with th' Chinee may +civlize th' Germans.” + + + + +PLATFORM MAKING + + +“That sthrikes me as a gran' platform,” said Mr. Hennessy. “I'm with it +fr'm start to finish.” + +“Sure ye are,” said Mr. Dooley, “an' so ye'd be if it begun: 'We +denounce Terence Hinnissy iv th' Sixth Ward iv Chicago as a thraitor +to his country, an inimy iv civilization, an' a poor thing.' Ye'd say: +'While there are wan or two things that might be omitted, th' platform +as a whole is a statesmanlike docymint, an' wan that appeals to th' +intelligince iv American manhood.' That's what ye'd say, an' that's what +all th' likes iv ye'd say. An' whin iliction day comes 'round th' on'y +question ye'll ast ye'ersilf is: 'Am I with Mack or am I with Billy +Bryan?' An accordin'ly ye'll vote.” + +“'Tis always th' same way, an' all platforms is alike. I mind wanst whin +I was an alter-nate to th' county con-vintion--'twas whin I was a power +in pollytics an' th' on'y man that cud do annything with th' Bohemian +vote--I was settin' here wan night with a pen an' a pot iv ink befure +me, thryin' to compose th' platform f'r th' nex' day, f'r I was a lithry +man in a way, d'ye mind, an' I knew th' la-ads'd want a few crimps put +in th' raypublicans in a ginteel style, an' 'd be sure to call on me f'r +to do it. Well, I'd got as far down as th' tariff an' was thryin' f'r to +express me opinyon without swearin', whin who shud come in but Lafferty, +that was sicrety iv McMahon, that was th' Main Guy in thim days, but +aftherward thrun down on account iv him mixin' up between th' Rorkes an' +th' Dorseys. Th' Main Guy Down Town said he wudden't have no throuble +in th' ward, an' he declared McMahon out. McMahon had too much money +annyhow. If he'd kept on, dollar bills'd have been extinct outside iv +his house. But he was a sthrong man in thim days an' much liked.” + +“Anyhow, Lafferty, that was his sicrety, come in, an' says he: 'What are +ye doin' there?' says he. 'Step soft,' says I; 'I am at wurruk,' I says. +'Ye shudden't do lithry wurruk on an empty stomach,' says he. 'I do +nawthin' on an empty stomach but eat,' says I. 'I've had me supper,' I +says. 'Go 'way,' says I, 'till I finish th' platform,' I says. 'What's +th' platform?' says he.'F'r th' county con-vintion,' says I. + +“Well, sir, he set down on a chair, an' I thought th' man was goin' to +die right there on the premises with laughter. 'Whin ye get through +with ye'er barkin',' says I, 'I'll throuble ye to tell me what ye may be +doin' it f'r,' I says. 'I see nawthin' amusin' here but ye'er prisince,' +I says, 'an' that's not a divvle iv a lot funnier than a wooden leg,' +I says, f'r I was mad. Afther awhile he come to, an' says he: 'Ye +don't raally think,' says he, 'that ye'll get a chanct to spring that +platform,' he says. 'I do,' says I. 'Why,' he says, 'the platform has +been adopted,' he says. 'Whin?' says I. 'Befure ye were born,' says he. +'In th' reign iv Bildad th' first,' says he--he was a larned man, was +Lafferty, though a dhrinkin' man. All sicreties iv pollyticians not in +office is dhrinkin' men, Hinnissy. 'Ive got th' copy iv it here in me +pocket,' he says. 'Th' boss give it to me to bring it up to date,' he +says. 'They was no sthrike last year an' we've got to put a sthrike +plank in th' platform or put th' prisident iv th' Lumber Shovers' union +on th' county board, an',' he says, 'they ain't room,' he says. + +“'Why,' says Lafferty, 'ye ought to know th' histhry iv platforms,' he +says. An' he give it to me, an' I'll give it to ye. Years ago, Hinnissy, +manny years ago, they was a race between th' dimmycrats an' th' +raypublicans f'r to see which shud have a choice iv principles. Th' +dimmycrats lost. I dinnaw why. Mebbe they stopped to take a dhrink. +Annyhow, they lost. Th' raypublicans come up an' they choose th' 'we +commind' principles, an' they was nawthin' left f'r the dimmycrats but +th' 'we denounce an' deplores.' I dinnaw how it come about, but th' +dimmycrats didn't like th' way th' thing shtud, an' so they fixed it +up between thim that whichiver won at th' iliction shud commind an' +congratulate, an' thim that lost shud denounce an' deplore. An' so it's +been, on'y the dimmycrats has had so little chanct f'r to do annything +but denounce an' deplore that they've almost lost th' use iv th' other +wurruds. + +“Mack sets back in Wash'nton an' writes a platform f'r th' comity on +risolutions to compose th' week afther. He's got a good job--forty-nine +ninety-two, sixty-six a month--an' 'tis up to him to feel good. +'I--I mean we,' he says, 'congratulate th' counthry on th' matchless +statesmanship, on-shrinkin' courage, steady devotion to duty an' +principle iv that gallant an' hon'rable leader, mesilf,' he says to his +sicrety. 'Take that,' he says, 'an' elaborate it,' he says. 'Ye'll find +a ditchnry on th' shelf near the dure,' he says, 'if ye don't think I've +put what I give ye sthrong enough,' he says. 'I always was,' he says, +'too retirin' f'r me own good,' he says. 'Spin out th' r-rest,' he says, +'to make about six thousan' wurruds,' he says, 'but be sure don't write +annything too hot about th' Boer war or th' Ph'lippeens or Chiny, or +th' tariff, or th' goold question, or our relations with England, or +th' civil sarvice,' he says. 'Tis a foolish man,' he says, 'that throws +a hunk iv coal fr'm his own window at th' dhriver iv a brick wagon,' he +says.” + +“But with Billy Bryan 'tis diff'rent. He's out in Lincoln, Neebrasky, +far fr'm home, an' he says to himsilf: 'Me throat is hoarse, an' I'll +exercise me other fac'lties,' he says. 'I'll write a platform,' he says. +An' he sets down to a typewriter, an' denounces an' deplores till th' +hired man blows th' dinner horn. Whin he can denounce an' deplore no +longer he views with alarm an' declares with indignation. An' he sinds +it down to Kansas City, where th' cot beds come fr'm.” + +“Oh, ye're always pitchin' into some wan,” said Mr. Hennessy. “I bet ye +Willum Jennings Bryan niver see th' platform befure it wint in. He's too +good a man.” + +“He is all iv that,” said Mr. Dooley. “But ye bet he knows th' rale +platform f'r him is: 'Look at th' bad breaks Mack's made,' an' Mack's +platform is: 'Ye'd get worse if ye had Billy Bryan.' An' it depinds on +whether most iv th' voters ar-re tired out or on'y a little tired who's +ilicted. All excipt you, Hinnissy. Ye'll vote f'r Bryan?” + +“I will,” said Mr. Hennessy. + +“Well,” said Mr. Dooley, “d'ye know, I suspicted ye might.” + + + + +THE YACHT RACES + + +“In th' ol' times whin I was a yachtsman--” began Mr. Dooley. + +“Scowman,” said Mr. Hennessy. + +“Yachtsman,” said Mr. Dooley. “Whin I was a yachtsman, all a man needed +to race was a flat-bottomed boat, an umbrella, an' a long dhrink. In +thim days 'twas 'Up with th' mainsail an' out with th' jib, an' Cap'n +Jawn first to th' Lake View pumpin' station f'r th' see-gars.' Now 'tis +'Ho, f'r a yacht race. Lave us go an' see our lawyers.' 'Tis 'Haul away +on th' writ iv ne exeat,' an' 'Let go th' peak capias.' 'Tis 'Pipe all +hands to th' Supreme Coort.' 'Tis 'A life on th' boundin' docket an' a +home on th' rowlin' calendar.' Befure we die, Sir Lipton'll come over +here f'r that Cup again an' we'll bate him be gettin' out an overnight +injunction. What's th' use iv buildin' a boat that's lible to tip an' +spill us all into th' wet? Turn th' matther over to th' firm iv Wiggins, +Schultz, O'Mally, Eckstein, Wopoppski, Billotti, Gomez, Olson, an' +McPherson, an' lave us have th' law on him.” + +“I don't suppose, Hinnissy, I ought to be gettin' off me little jokes +on a seeryous matther like this. What's it all about, says ye? Well, ye +see, 'tis this way. Wanst befure th' war some la-ad fr'm this counthry +took a boat acrost th' Atlantic an' run it again an English boat an' iv +coorse, he won, not bein' tied to th' dock, an' they give him a Cup. I +don't know why they give him a cup, but they give him a cup. He brought +it back here an' handed it to a yacht club, which is an assocyation, +Hinnissy, iv mimbers iv th' Bar. He says: 'Ye keep that cup on ye'er +mantle-piece an' if e'er an Englishman wants it, don't ye give it to +him.' Afther awhile, an Englishman that ownded a boat come afther th' +cup, an 'twas lave go altogether, an' th' las' man to th' line knows +what he is. He's an Englishman, iv coorse. That was all r-right too. But +th' time come whin th' lagal pro-fission took a hand in th' game. 'Look +here,' says they. 'Ye've vilated nearly all th' statues iv th' State +iv Noo Jarsey already,' they says, 'an' if ye ain't careful, ye'll be +hauled up f'r contimpt iv coort,' they says. So they took th' matther +in hand an' dhrew up th' r-right pa-apers. 'State iv Noo York, county +iv Cook, s. s. Know all men be these prisints. To all magisthrates an' +polis officers, greetin.' In re Sir Lipton again th' Cup. Ordhered that +if Sir Lipton shall secure said Cup fr'm aforesaid (which he won't) he +must build a boat as follows: Wan hundherd an' twinty chest, fifty-four +waist, hip an' side pockets, carryin' three hundherd an' sixty-three +thousan' cubic feet iv canvas; th' basement iv th' boat to be papered in +green with yellow flowered dado, open plumbin', steam heat throughout, +th' tinant to pay f'r all repairs. Be means iv this infernal machine, if +enable to kill off th' rile fam'ly, he will attimpt to cross th' stormy +Atlantic, an' if successful, will arrive at th' risidince iv th' party +of th' first part, said John Doe. Wanst there, he will consult with +mimbers iv th' Noo York Bar Association, who will lead him to a firm iv +competent expert accountants, who will give him his time, which is two +minyits measured be th' invarse ratio iv th' distance fr'm th' binnacle +to th' cook-stove, an' fr'm th' cook-stove, east be north to th' +bowspirit. He will thin take his foolish boat down th' bay, an' if he +keeps his health, he can rayturn to th' grocery business, f'r he's a +jolly good fellow which nobody can deny.' + +“Ye can see this, Hinnissy, that yachtin' has become wan iv thl larned +pro-fissions. 'Tis that that got th' la-ad fr'm Boston into it. They's a +jolly Jack Tar f'r ye. In dhrawin' up a lease or framin' a bond, no +more gallant sailor rides th' waves thin hearty Jack Larsen iv th' +Amalgamated Copper Yacht Club. 'What ho?' says he. 'If we're goin' to +have a race,' he says, 'shiver me timbers if I don't look up th' law,' +he says. So he become a yachtsman. 'But,' says th' Noo York la-ads, +thim that has th' Cup on their mantel-piece, 'Ye can race on'y on two +conditions.' 'What ar-re they?' says Larsen. 'Th' first is that ye +become a mimber iv our club.' 'With pleasure,' says he. 'Ye can't,' says +they. 'An' havin' complied with this first condition, ye must give us +ye'er boat,' says they. 'We don't want it,' they says. 'Th' terms suit +me entirely,' says Cap. Larsen. 'I'm a simple sailor man an' I'll give +ye me boat undher th' following conditions,' he says. 'First, that ye +won't take it; second, that ye'll paint me name on th' side iv it in +red letters, three feet high; third, that ye'll inthra-jooce me to th' +Prince iv Wales; foorth, that I'll sail it mesilf. Nawthin',' he says, +'wud give me gr-reater pleasure thin to have me handsome an' expinsive +raft in th' hands iv men who I wud considher it an honor to know,' he +says. 'An' so,' he says, 'I'll on'y ask ye to sign a bond an' lave a +small security, say about five hundherd thousan' dollars, in me hands +in case anny paint shud be knocked off me boat,' he says. 'Yachtin' is +a gintleman's spoort,' he says, 'an' in dalin' with gintlemen,' he says, +'ye can't be too careful,' he says.” + +“What's Sir Lipton doin' all this time?” asked Mr. Hennessy. + +“He's preparin' his bond, makin' his will, an' goin' through th' other +lagal preliminaries iv th' race. He's built a boat too. Th' King of +England was aboord iv her, an' he was near killed, be havin' a mast +fall on him. Th' Lord knows how he escaped. A mass iv steel weighin' a +hundherd thousan' ton fell on his Majesty an' bounced off. Sir Lipton +felt pretty bad about it. He didn't mind losin' a mast or two, but he +didn't want annywan to know he had th' king aboord. 'Twud hurt business. +'Boys,' says he to th' rayporthers, 'th' King's on me yacht. D'ye hear +me? Th' King's on me yacht. But don't say annything about it. I don't +want to have it known. Don't print it onless ye have to, an' thin put it +in an inconspicuous place, like th' first page. He's here sure enough, +boys. Th' mast just fell on his Majesty. It nearly kilt him. I'm not +sure it didn't kill him. He remained perfectly cool throughout. So did +I. I was almost cold. So did both iv us. But, mind not a wurrud iv this +in th' pa-apers.' I don't know how th' rayporthers got hold iv it. But +they're a pryin' lot.” + +“How did th' mast come to fall?” asked Mr. Hennessy, eagerly. “D'ye +suppose Sir Lipton is wan iv us?” + +“S-sh,” said Mr. Dooley, adding, softly, “he was bor-rn in Limerick.” + + + + +POLYGAMY + + +“How manny wives has this here man Roberts that's thryin' to break into +Congress?” Mr. Dooley asked. + +“I dinnaw,” said Mr. Hennessy; “I nivver heerd iv him.” + +“I think it's three,” said Mr. Dooley. “No wondher he needs wurruk an' +is fightin' hard f'r th' job. I'm with him too, be hivens. Not that I'm +be taste or inclination a marryin' man, Hinnissy. They may get me to +th' altar some day. Th' best iv us falls, like Cousin George, an' there +ar-re designin' women in this very block that I have me own throubles +in dodgin'. But anny time ye hear iv me bein' dhrawn fr'm th' quite +miseries an' exclusive discomforts iv single life ye may know that they +have caught me asleep an' chloroformed me. It's thrue. But f'r thim that +likes it, it's all r-right, an' if a man's done something in his youth +that he has to do pinance f'r an' th' stations iv th' cross ain't +sthrong enough, lave him, says I, marry as manny women as he wants an' +live with them an' die contint. Th' Mormons thinks they ar-re commanded +be the Lord f'r to marry all th' ineligeable Swede women. Now, I don't +believe th' Lord iver commanded even a Mormon f'r to do annything +so foolish, an' if he did he wudden't lave th' command written on a +pie-plate an' burrid out there at Nauvoo, in Hancock county, Illinye. Ye +can bet on that, Hinnissy.” + +“But if anny wan believes 'twas done, I say, lave him believe it an' +lave him clasp to his bosom as manny Olesons as 'll have him. Sure in +th' prisint state iv th' mathrimonyal market, as Hogan calls it, whin +he goes down to coort th' rich Widow O'Brien, th' la-ad that wants to +engage in interprises iv that sort ought to have a frind in ivry wan but +th' men that keeps imploymint agencies. + +“But no. Th' minyit a Mormon thries to break into a pollytical job, +a dillygation rises an' says they: 'What!' they says, 'permit this +polluted monsther f'r to invade th' chaste atmosphere,' they says, 'iv +th' house iv riprisintatives,' they says. 'Permit him f'r to parade his +fam'ly down Pinnsylvanya Av'noo an' block thraffic,' they says. +'Permit him mebbe to set in th' chair wanst occypied be th' laminted +Breckinridge,' they says. An' they proceed f'r to hunt th' poor, crowded +man. An' he takes a day off to kiss his wife fr'm house to house, an' +holds a meetin' iv his childher to bid thim good-by an' r-runs to hide +in a cave till th' dillygation raymimbers that they have husbands iv +their own an' goes home to cook th' supper. + +“A Mormon, Hinnissy, is a man that has th' bad taste an' th' rellijion +to do what a good manny other men ar-re restrained fr'm doin' be +conscientious scruples an' th' polis. I don't want anny wife; ye, +Hinnissy, ar-re satisfied, not to say con-tint, with wan; another la-ad +feels that he'd be lonesome without tin. 'Tis a matther iv disposition. +If iver I got started th' Lord on'y knows where I'd bring up. I might +be like me frind an' fellow-sultan, Hadji Mohammed. Hadji has wives +to burn, an' wanst in awhile he bur-rns wan. He has a betther job thin +Congressman.” + +“Th' best a congressman can get is foorth-class postmasther an' a +look in at th' White House on visitin' day. But Hadji, th' pop'lar an' +iloquent sultan iv Sulu an' Bazeen iv th' Ohio iv th' Passyfic, owns his +own palace an' disthributes his own jobs. No man can hold th' office iv +bow-sthringer iv our impeeryal domain without a certy-ficate fr'm +Hadji. From th' highest office in th' land to th' lowest, fr'm th' chief +pizener to th' throne, to th' humblest ixicutioner that puts a lady in a +bag an' dumps her into th' lake in th' Nine Millionth Assimbly district +they look to Hadji Mohammed f'r their places. He is th' High Guy, th' +Main Thing. He's ivrybody. When he quits wurrk th' governmint is over +f'r th' day. An' does annywan thry to interfere with Hadji? Does annywan +say 'Hadji, ye'll have to abandon two or three hundherd iv ye 'er +firesides. Ye ar-re livin' jus' inside th' left field fince iv our +domain an' 'tis a rule iv th' game that we've taken ye into that no +wan shall have more thin wan wife at a time that annywan knows iv. In' +behalf iv th' comity iv th' Society f'r th' Supprission iv Poly-gamy, I +request ye to discard Nora an' Eileen an' Mary Ann an' Sue an' Bimbi +an' th' r-rest iv th' bunch, an' cleave on'y to Lucille. I judge be her +looks that she's th' first Missus Haitch.' + +“No, sir. If he did he'd reach th' ship that runs between our outlying +wards without a hair to his head. Instead iv reproachin' Hadji with +his domestic habits, wan iv th' envoys that ar-re imployed in carryin' +messages fr'm th' prisidint to his fellow-citizens, proceeds to th' +pretty little American village iv Sulu, where he finds Hadji settin' up +on a high chair surrounded be wives. 'Tis a domestic scene that'd make +Brigham Young think he was a bachelor. Hadji is smokin' a good seegar +an' occasionally histin' a dhrink iv cider, an' wan iv th' ladies +is playin' a guitar, an' another is singin' 'I want ye my Sulu,' an' +another is makin' a tidy, an' three or four hundred more ar-re sewin' +patches on th' pants iv th' Hadji kids. An' th' ambassadure he +says: 'Mos' rile an' luminous citizen, here is a copy iv th' Annual +Thanksgivin' pro-clamation,' he says. 'Tis addhressed to all th' hearty +husbandmen iv our belovid counthry, manin' you among others,' he says. +'An' here,' he says, 'is th' revised constitution,' he says. 'Th' +original wan,' he says, 'was intinded f'r ol' stick-in-th'-muds that +wudden't know th' difference between a harem an' a hoe,' he says. 'This +wan,' he says, 'is more suited f'r th' prisint gay an' expansive times,' +he says. 'It permits a man to cleave to as manny wives,' he says, 'as +his race, color, an' prevyous condition iv servitude will permit,' he +says. 'Thank ye kindly,' says Hadji, 'I'll threasure these here papers +as a vallyable meminto fr'm that far distant home iv mine which I have +niver see,' he says. 'I'd inthrojooce ye to Mrs. Hadji wan by wan,' +he says, 'but 'twud be betther,' he says, 'f'r to stand up here an' be +prisinted to her as a whole,' he says, 'f'r,' he says, ''tis growing +late an' I want ye to come up to th' house,' he says, 'an' pick a +mission'ry with me,' he says. 'A Baptist,' he says, 'raised on th' +farm,' he says. An' Hadji holds his job an' looks for'rard to th' day +whin we'll have female suffrage an' he can cast th' solid vote iv Sulu +for himsilf f'r prisident.” + +“Thin,” said Mr. Hennessy, “ye'er frind Roberts ought to move to +what-d'ye-call-th' place.” + +“That's what I'm thinkin',” said Mr. Dooley. “But 'tis too bad f'r him +he was bor-rn at home.” + + + + +PUBLIC FICKLENESS + + +Mr. Dooley put his paper aside and pushed his spectacles up on his +forehead. “Well,” he said, “I suppose, afther all, we're th' mos' +lively nation in th' wurruld. It doesn't seem many months ago since ye, +Hinnissy, was down at th' depot cheerin' th' departin' heroes----” + +“I niver was,” said Mr. Hennessey. “I stayed at home.” + +“Since ye was down cheerin' th' departin' heroes,” Mr. Dooley continued, +“an' thryin' to collect what they owed ye. Th' papers was full iv news +iv th' war. Private Jawn Thomas Bozoom iv Woonsocket, a mimber iv th' +gallant an' devoted Wan Hundhred an' Eighth Rhode Island, accidentally +slipped on a orange peel while attimptin' to lave th' recruitin' office +an' sustained manny con-tu-sions. He rayfused to be taken home an' +insisted on jinin' his rig'mint at th' rayciption in th' fair groun's. +Gallant Private Bozoom! That's th' stuff that American heroes ar-re made +iv. Ye find thim at th' forge an' at th' plough, an' dhrivin' sthreet +cars, an' ridin' in th' same. The favored few has th' chanst to face th' +bullets iv th'inimy. 'Tis f'r these unknown pathrites to prove that a +man can sarve his counthry at home as well as abroad. Private Bozoom +will not be f'rgot be his fellow-counthrymen. A rayciption has been +arranged f'r him at th' Woonsocket op'ry-house, an' 'tis said if he will +accipt it, th' vote iv th' State iv Rhode Island'll be cast f'r him f'r +prisidint. 'Tis at such times as this that we reflict that th' wurruld +has wurruk f'r men to do, an' mere politicians mus' retire to th' rear.” + +“That was a few months ago. Where's Bozoom now? If iver ye go to +Woonsocket, Hinnissy, which Gawd f'rbid, ye'll find him behind th' +counther iv th' grocery store ladlin' out rutabaga turnips into a brown +paper cornucopy an' glad to be alive. An' 'tis tin to wan, an' more thin +that, that th' town humorist has named him th' orange-peel hero, an' +he'll go to his grave with that name. Th' war is over an' th' state iv +war exists. If ye saw a man fall fr'm th' top iv a tin-story buildin' +'twud startle ye, wanst. If it happened again, 'twud surprise ye. But +if ye saw a man fall ivry fifteen minyits ye'd go home afther awhile f'r +supper an' ye wuddent even mintion it to ye'er wife.” + +“I don't know how manny heroes they ar-re in th' Philippeens. Down there +a man is ayether a sojer or a casualty. Bein' a casualty is no good. I +cud say about a man: 'He was a hero in th' war with Spain,' but how can +I say: 'Shake hands with Bill Grady, wan iv th' ladin' casualties iv our +late war?' 'Twud be no more thin to say he was wan iv th' gallant men +that voted f'r prisidint in 1896.'” + + +{Illustration} + + +“No, Hinnissy, people wants novelties in war. Th' war fashions iv 1898 +is out iv style. They ar-re too full in th' waist an' too long in th' +skirt. Th' style has changed. There ar-re fifty thousand backward men +in th' fair isles iv th' Passyfic fightin' to free th' Philippeen +fr'm himsilf an' becomin' a casualty in th' operation, but no one is +charterin' ar-rmy hospital ships f'r thim.” + +“No one is convartin' anny steam yachts f'r thim. No wan is sindin' +eighty tons iv plum puddin' to complete th' wurruk iv destruction. They +ar-re in a war that'd make th' British throops in Africa think they were +drillin' f'r a prize banner. But'tis an onfashionable war.' 'Tis an ol' +war made over fr'm garments formerly worn be heroes. Whin a man is out +in th' counthry with wan newspaper an' has read th' authentic +dispatches fr'm Ladysmith an' Harrismith an' Willumaldensmith an' +Mysteriousbillysmith an' the meetin' iv th' czar iv Rooshia with th' +Impror Willum an' th' fire in th' packin' house an' th' report iv th' +canal thrustees an' th' fightin' news an' th' want ads, an' afther he +has r-read thim over twinty times he looks at his watch an' says he, +'Holy smoke, 'tis two hours to thrain time an' I suppose I'll have to +r-read th' news fr'm th' Philippeens.' War, be hivins, is so common that +I believe if we was to take on a fight with all th' wurruld not more +thin half th' popylation iv New England'd die iv hear-rt disease befure +they got into th' cellars.” + +“Th' new style iv war is made in London an' all our set is simply +stuck on it. Th' casualties in th' Philippeens can walk home, but is it +possible that many thrue an' well-dhressed American can stand to see +th' signs iv th' ancient British aristocracy taken care iv be their own +gover'mint? 'What,' says Lady what's-her-name (her that was th' daughter +iv wan iv our bravest an' best racontoors). 'What.' she says, 'will anny +American woman residin' in London see men shot down,' she says, 'that +has but recently played polo in our very sight,' she says, 'an' be +brought home in mere thransports,' she says. 'Ladies,' she says, 'lave +us equip a hospital ship,' she says. 'I thrust,' she says, 'that all +iv us has been long enough fr'm home to f'rget our despicable domestic +struggles,' she says, 'an' think on'y iv humanity,' she says. An' whin +she opens up th' shop f'r subscriptions ye'd think fr'm th' crowd that +'twas th' first night iv th' horse show. I don't know what Lem Stiggins +iv Kansas, marked down in th' roll, Private in th' Twintieth Kansas, +Severely, I don't know what Private Severely thinks iv it. An' I wuddent +like to know till afther Thanks-givin'.” + +“Don't be blatherin',” said Mr. Hennessy. “Sure ye can't ixpict people +to be inthrested f'river in a first performance.” + +“No,” said Mr. Dooley, “but whin th' audjeence gives th' comp'ny an +encore it ought at laste to pretind that it's not lavin' f'r th' other +show.” + + + + +KENTUCKY POLITICS + + +“If th' Presidint doesn't step in an' interfere,” said Mr. Hennessy, +“they'll be bloodshed in Kentucky.” + +“What business is it iv Mack's?” Mr. Dooley protested. “Th' war's in +this counthry, man alive! If 'twas in Boolgahria or Chiny or on th' +head waters iv th' Bozoon river in th' sooltynate iv--iv--I dinnaw +what--thin'twud be th' jooty iv our gover'mint f'r to resolve that th' +inthrests iv humanity an' civilization an' th' advancement iv th' human +kind required that we shud step in an' put a head on wan or both iv th' +parties. But they'se no reason now, me boy, f'r us to do annything, +f'r these are our own people, an' 'tis wan iv their rights, undher th' +martial law that's th' foundation iv our institutions, to bate each +other to death whiniver an' whereiver they plaze. 'Twud be all r-right +f'r the Impror Willum to come in an' take a hand, but Gawd help him if +he did, or th' Prsidint iv th' Fr-rinch or th' Impror iv Chiny. 'Twud be +all r-right f'r thim. An' though we might meet thim at th' dure an' hand +thim wan f'r their impydince, we'd be in th' wrong. Twud be a good job +f'r Aggynaldoo, too, if he cud find himsilf an' had th' time It must be +clear to him be what news he hears whin th' other pigrim father, Sinitor +Hoar, calls on him in th' three where he makes his home, that what +Kentucky needs now is wan an' on'y wan stable govermint an' a little +public peace. He might restore peace at home an' abroad be cuttin' in, +but th' poor la-ad has other things to think iv. I'd like to see him. It +must be near a year since he had a shave or a hair cut, barrin' ridges +made be bullets as he cleared th' fences.” + +“It looks to me as though th' raypublican is wr-rong,” said Mr. +Hennessy, with the judicial manner of a man without prejudices. + +“Iv coorse he's wrong,” said Mr. Dooley. “He starts wrong. An' th' +dimmycrats ar-re r-right. They're always r-right. Tis their position. +Th' dimmycrats ar-re right an' the raypublicans has th' jobs. It all +come up because our vinerated party, Hinnissy, ain't quick at th' count. +Man an' boy I've taken an intherest in politics all me life, an' I find +th' on'y way to win an iliction is to begin f'r to count th' minyit +ye've completed th' preliminaries iv closin' th' polls an' killin' th' +other judges an' clerks. + +“Th' dimmycrats counted, but th' count come too late. Be th' time th' +apparent an' hidjous majority iv th' raypublicans was rayjooced to +nawthin' an' a good liberal, substantial, legal an' riotous dimmycratic +majority put in its place be ordher iv th' coorts, th' commonwealth iv +Kentucky an' Jack Chinn, th' raypublican has been so long in th'job an' +has become so wedded to it that ye cuddent shake him out with a can +iv joynt powdher. It seems to him that there niver was a time whin he +wasn't gov'nor.” + +{Illustration} + +“Th' dimmycrats get together an' call on that learned an' incorruptible +joodishary that's done so much to ilivate the party into high office, +an' whin th' dure iv th' saloon is locked they say 'Bill,' they say, +'we're bein' robbed iv our suffrage,' says they. 'Th' hated enimy has +stolen th' ballot an' thrampled on th' r-rights iv th' citizens,' says +they, 'in the southern part iv th' state faster thin we cud undo their +hellish wurruk in our own counties,' they says. 'They now hol' th' +jobs,' they say, 'an' if they stay in they'se no more chanst iv iver +ilictin' a dimmycrat again thin there wud be iv ilictin' a raypublican +if we got in,' they say. 'Do ye mix us up a replevy writ an' we'll go +over an' haul th' chair fr'm undher thim,' they say.” + +“So th' judge passes out a replevy writ be vartue iv th' thrust that's +been reposed in him be th' comity and gives it to Colonel Jack Chinn, +wan iv th' leaders iv th' Kentucky bar, f'r to serve. An' Colonel Jack +Chinn ar-rms himsilf as becomes a riprisintative iv a gr-reat coort +goin' to sarve a sacred writ iv replevy on th' usurper to th' loftiest +or wan iv th' loftiest jobs that th' people iv a gloryous state can +donate to a citizen. He sthraps on three gatlin' guns, four revolvers, +two swords, a rifle, a shot gun, a baseball bat, a hand grenade (to be +used on'y in case iv thirst), a pair iv handcuffs, brass knuckles, a +sandbag, a piece of lead pipe in a stockin', a rabbit's foot f'r luck, +a stove lid an' a can iv dinnymite, an' with siveral iv his cillybrated +knives behind his ears, in his hair, between his teeth, an' gleamin' +fr'm his pockets, he sallies forth on his sacred mission, an' gives +th' writ to a clerk to sarve, an' stays in town himsilf, where he +successfully resists all charges iv th' bartinder. Th' clerk goes up to +th' state house, where th' gov'nor is ixicutin' th' high thrust reposed +in him be himsilf, behind breastworks an' guarded be some iv th' most +desp'rate an' pathriotic ruffyans in th' state. 'What have ye there?' +says his ixcillincy, with his hand on th' sthring iv a dinnymite gun. 'A +writ fr'm th' coort bouncin' ye fr'm ye'er high office,' says th' +clerk. 'As a law abidin' citizen,' says his ixcillincy, 'an' an official +enthrusted be th' people iv this glad state with th' exicution iv th' +statutes I bow to th' law,' he says. 'But,' he says, 'I'll be hanged +if I'll bow to th' decree iv anny low browed pussillanimous dimmycratic +coort,' he says, 'Sojers,' he says, 'seize this disturber iv th' peace +an' stick him in th' cellar. Jawn,' he says, 'ar-rm ye'ersilf an' +proceed to th' raypublican timple iv justice in Hogan's saloon an' have +th' stanch an' upright Judge Blood prepare some good honest writs iv +th' party iv Lincoln an' Grant,' he says. 'In th' manetime, as th' +constitootion has lost its sights an' the cylinder don't revolve,' he +says, 'I suspind it an' proclaim martial law,' he says. 'I want a law,' +he says, 'that mesilf an' all other good citizens can rayspict,' he +says. 'I want wan,' he says, 'that's been made undher me own personal +supervision,' he says. 'Hand-made, copper distilled, wan hun-dherd an' +tin proof martial law ought to be good enough for anny Kentuckyan,' he +says. So th' next ye hear th' sojers ar-re chasin' th' coorts out iv +th' state, th' legislature is meetin' in Duluth, Pinsacola, an' Bangor, +Maine, an' a comity iv citizens consistin' iv some iv the best gun +fighters iv th' state ar-re meetin' to decide how th' conthroversay can +be decided without loss iv blood or jobs. While they're in session th' +gov'nor is in contimpt iv coort, the coorts ar-re in contimpt iv th' +gov'nor, an' if annybody but Tiddy Rosenfclt has anny other feelin' f'r +ayether iv thim I haven't heerd him speak.” + +“They ought to fire out the raypublican,” said Mr. Hennessy. “Sure 'tis +comin' to a nice state iv affairs whin th' likes iv him can defy the +coorts.” + +“Thrue f'r ye,” said Mr. Dooley. “But I don't like th' looks iv it fr'm +our side iv th' house. Whiniver a dimmycrat has to go to coort to win +an iliction I get suspicious. They'se something wr-rong in Kentucky, +Hinnissy. We were too slow. Th' inimy got th' first cheat.” + + + + +YOUNG ORATORY + + +“They'se wan thing that this counthry ought to be thankful f'r,” said +Mr. Dooley, laying down his paper, “an' that is that we still have a lot +iv young an' growin' orators f'r to lead us on.” + +“Who's been oratin' now?” Mr. Hennessy asked. + +“Me young frind Sinitor Beveridge, th' child orator iv Fall Creek. This +engagin' an' hopeful la-ad first made an impression with his eloquince +at th' age iv wan whin he addhressed a meetin' iv th' Tippecanoe club on +th' issues iv th' day. At th' age iv eight he was illicted to th' United +States Sinit, rayjoocin' th' average age iv that body to ninety-three +years. In th' sinit, bein' a modest child, he rayfused to speak f'r five +minyits, but was fin'lly injooced f'r to make a few thousan' remarks on +wan iv th' subjects now much discussed by orators whin th' dures ar-re +closed an' th' fire escapes broken.” + +“His subject was th' Ph'lippeens, an' he said he'd just come fr'm there. +'I have cruised,' he says, 'f 'r two thousan' miles through th' Ar-rchey +Pelago--that's a funny name--ivry minyit a surprise an' delight to those +that see me,' he says. 'I see corn growin' on banana threes; I see th' +gloryous heights iv Ding Dong that ar-re irradyatin'. civilization like +quills upon th' fretful porcypine,' he says. 'I see rice, coffee, rolls, +cocoanuts, choice seegars, oats, hay, hard and soft coal, an' Gen'ral +Otis--an' there's a man that I rayspict,' he says. 'I see flowers +bloomin' that was superyor to anny conservatory in Poolasky county,' +he says. 'I see th' low and vicious inhabitants iv th' counthry soon, I +thrust, to be me fellow-citizens, an' as I set there an' watched th' sea +rollin' up its uncounted millyons iv feet iv blue wather, an' th' stars +sparklin' like lamp-posts we pass in th' night, as I see th' mountains +raisin' their snow-capped heads f'r to salute th' sun, while their feet +extinded almost to th' place where I shtud; whin I see all th' glories +iv that almost, I may say, thropical clime, an' thought what a good +place this wud be f'r to ship base-burnin' parlor stoves, an' men's +shirtings to th' accursed natives iv neighborin' Chiny, I says to +mesilf, 'This is no mere man's wurruk. A Higher Power even than Mack, +much as I rayspict him, is in this here job. We cannot pause, we cannot +hesitate, we cannot delay, we cannot even stop! We must, in other +wurruds, go on with a holy purpose in our hearts, th' flag over our +heads an' th' inspired wurruds iv A. Jeremiah Beveridge in our ears,' he +says. An' he set down.” + +“Well, sir, 'twas a gr-reat speech. 'Twas a speech ye cud waltz to. Even +younger men thin Sinitor Beveridge had niver made grander orations. Th' +throuble is th' sinit is too common f'r such magnificent sintimints; +its too common and its too old. Th' young la-ad comes fr'm home, where's +he's paralyzed th' Lithry Society an' th' Debatin' Club, an' he loads +himsilf up with a speech an' he says to himsilf: 'Whin I begin peggin' +ar-round a few iv these vilets I'll make Ol' Hoar look like confederate +money,' an' th' pa-apers tell that th' Infant Demostheens iv Barry's +Junction is about f'r to revive th oratorical thraditions iv th' sinit +an' th' fire department comes up f'r a week, an' wets down th' capitol +buildin'. Th' speech comes off, they ain't a dhry eye in th' House, an' +th' pa-apers say: 'Where's ye'er Dan'l Webster an' ye'er Champ Clark, +now?' An' th' young man goes away an' has his pitchers took on a +kinetoscope. He has a nice time while it lasts, Hinnissy, but it +don't las' long. It don't las' long. Th' la-ad has th' wind, but it's +endurance that counts.” + +“Th' wise ol' boys with their long whiskers discusses him over th' +sivin-up game, an' says wan iv thim: 'What ye think iv th' kid's +speech?' ''Twas a good speech,' says th' other. 'It carries me back to +me own boyhood days. I made a speech just like that durin' th' Mexican +War. Oh, thim days, thim days! I lead th' ace, Mike.' An' afther awhile +th' Boy Demostheens larns that while he's polishin' off his ipigrams, +an' ol' guy, that spinds all his time sleepin' on a bench, is polishin' +him off. Th' man that sinds seeds to his constitooents lasts longer thin +th' wan that sinds thim flowers iv iloquence, an' though th' hand iv +Gawd may be in th' Ph'lippeen question, it hasn't interfered up to date +in th' sergeant-at-arms question. An' whin th' young man sees this he +says, 'sky,' whin he means 'sky' an' not 'th' jooled canopy iv +hiven,' an' he says, 'Ph'lippeens,' an' not 'th' gloryous isles iv +th' Passyfic,' an' bein' onto th' character iv his fellow-sinitors, +he mintions nobody higher in their prisence thin th' steward iv th' +capitol. An' he niver makes a speech but whin he wants to smoke, an' +thin he moves that th' sinit go into executive session. Thin he's a rale +sinitor. I've seen it manny's th' time--th' boy orator goin' into th' +sinit, an' comin' out a deef mute. I've seen a man that made speeches +that was set to music an' played be a silver cornet band in Ioway that +hadn't been in Congress f'r a month befure he wudden't speak above a +whisper or more thin an inch fr'm ye'er ear.” + +“Do ye think Hiven sint us to th' Ph'lippeens?” Mr. Hennessy asked. + +“I don't know,” said Mr. Dooley, “th' divvle take thim.” + + + + +PUBLIC GRATITUDE + + +“This man Dewey--,” began Mr. Dooley. + +“I thought he was ye'er cousin George,” Mr. Hennessy interrupted. + +“I thought he was,” said Mr. Dooley, “but on lookin' closer at his +features an' r-readin' what th' pa-apers says about him, I am convinced +that I was wrong. Oh, he may be a sicond cousin iv me Aunt Judy. I'll +not say he ain't. There was a poor lot, all iv them. But I have no close +rilitives in this counthry. 'Tis a way I have of savin' a little money. +I'm like th' good an' gr-rateful American people. Th' further ye +stay away fr'm thim th' more they like ye. Sicond-cousin-iv-me +Aunt-Judy-George made a mistake comin' home, or if he did come home he +ought've invistigated his welcome and see that it wasn't mined. A man +cud stand up all day an' lave Packy Mountjoy whale away at him, but th' +affiction iv th' American people is always aimed thrue an' is invaryably +fatal.” + +“Th' la-ad Dougherty was in to-day, an' he exprissed th' feelin's iv +this grateful raypublic. He says, says he, 'This fellow Dewey ain't what +I thought he was,' he says. 'I thought he was a good, broad, lib'ral +man, an' it turns out he's a cheap skate,' he says. 'We made too much +fuss over him,' he says. 'To think,' he says, 'iv him takin' th' +house we give him an' tur-rnin' it over to his wife,' he says. ''Tis +scand'lous,' he says. 'How much did ye con-thribute?' says I. 'I didn't +give annything,' he says 'The collector didn't come around, an' I'm glad +now I hung on to me coin,' he says. 'Well,' says I, 'I apprechate ye'er +feelin's,' I says. 'Ye agree with th' other subscribers,' I says. 'But +I've med up me mind not to lave annywan talk to me about Dewey,' I +says, 'unless,' I says, 'he subscribed th' maximum amount iv th' +subscription,' I says, 'thirty-eight cints,' I says. 'So I'll thank ye +to tip-toe out,' I says, 'befure I give ye a correct imitation iv Dewey +an' Mountjoy at th' battle of Manila,' I says. An' he wint away.” + +“Th' throuble with Dewey is he was so long away he lost his +undherstanding iv th' thrue feelin' iv th' American people. George +r-read th' newspapers, an' he says to himself: 'Be hivins, they think +well iv what I done. I guess I'll put a shirt in me thrunk an' go home, +f'r 'tis hot out here, an' ivrybody'll be glad f'r to see me,' he says. +An' he come along, an' New York was r-ready f'r him. Th' business in +neckties had been poor that summer, an' they was necessity f'r pullin' +it together, an' they give George a welcome an' invited his admirers +fr'm th' counthry to come in an' buy something f'r th' little wans at +home. An' he r-rode up Fifth Avnoo between smilin' rows iv hotels an' +dhrug stores, an' tin-dollar boxes an' fifty-cint seats an' he says to +himsilf: 'Holy smoke, if Aggynaldoo cud on'y see me now.' An' he was +proud an' happy, an' he says: 'Raypublics ar-re not always ongrateful.' +An' they ain't. On'y whin they give ye much gratichood ye want to freeze +some iv it, or it won't keep.” + +“'Tis unsafe f'r anny man alive to receive th' kind wurruds that ought +to be said on'y iv th' dead. As long as George was a lithograph iv +himsilf in a saloon window he was all r-right. Whin people saw he cud +set in a city hall hack without flowers growin' in it an' they cud look +at him without smoked glasses they begin to weaken in their devotion. +'Twud've been th' same, almost, if he'd married a Presbyteeryan an' +hadn't deeded his house to his wife. 'Dewey don't look much like a +hero,' says wan man. 'I shud say not,' says another. 'He looks like +annybody else.' 'He ain't a hero,' says another. 'Why, annybody cud've +done what he did. I got an eight-year-old boy, an' if he cudden't take a +baseball club an' go in an' bate that Spanish fleet into junk in twinty +minyits I'd call him Alger an' thrade him off f'r a bicycle,' he says. +'I guess that's r-right. They say he was a purty tough man befure he +left Wash'n'ton.' 'Sure he was. Why, so-an'-so-an'-so-an'-so.' 'Ye don't +tell me!' 'Is there annything in that story about his beatin' his poor +ol' aunt an' her iliven childher out iv four dollars?' 'I guess that's +straight. Ye can tell be th' looks iv him he's a mean man. I niver see +a man with squintin' eyes an' white hair that wudden't rob a church!' +'He's a cow'rd, too. Why, he r-run away at th' battle iv Manila. +Ivrybody knows it. I r-read what Joe What's-His-Name wrote--th' br-rave +corryspondint. He says this feller was sick at his stummick an' retired +befure th' Spanish fire. Why, what'd he have to fight but a lot iv ol' +row-boats? A good swimmer with sharp teeth cud've bit his way through +th' whole Spanish fleet. An' he r-run away. I tell ye, it makes me tired +to think iv th' way we abused th' Spanyards not long ago. Why, say, +they done a lot betther thin this fellow Dewey, with his forty or fifty +men-iv-war an' this gran' nation, miles away, standin' shoulder to +shoulder at his back. They niver tur-rned over their property to their +wives.' 'Yes,' says wan man, 'Dewey was a cow'rd. Let's go an' stone his +house.' 'No,' says the crowd, 'he might come out. Let's go down to th' +v'riety show an' hiss his pitcher in th' kinetoscope.' Well!'” + +“Well what?” demanded Mr. Hennessy. + +“Well,” Mr. Dooley continued, “I was on'y goin' to say, Hinnissy, that +in spite iv me hathred iv George as a man--a marrid man--an' me contimpt +f'r his qualities as a fighter, in spite iv th' chickens he has stole +an' the notes he has forged an' th' homes he has rooned, if he was +to come r-runnin' up Archey road, as he might, pursooed be ladies an' +gintlemen an' th' palajeem iv our liberties peltin him with rotten eggs +an' ol' cats, I'd open th' dure f'r him, an' whin he come in I'd put me +fut behind it an' I'd say to th' grateful people: 'Fellow-citizens,' I'd +say, 'lave us,' I'd say. 'They'se another hero down in Halstead Sthreet +that's been marrid. Go down an' shivaree him. An' you, me thrusted +collagues iv th' press, disperse to ye'er homes,' I'd say. 'Th' keyholes +is closed f'r th' night, I'd say. An' thin I'd bolt th' dure an' I'd +say, 'George, take off ye'er coat an' pull up to th' fire. Here's a +noggin' iv whisky near ye'er thumb an' a good seegar f'r ye to smoke. +I'm no hero-worshiper. I'm too old. But I know a man whin I see wan, an' +though we cudden't come out an' help ye whin th' subscription list wint +wild, be sure we think as much iv ye as we did whin ye'er name was first +mintioned be th' stanch an' faithful press. Set here, ol' la-ad, an' +warrum ye'er toes by th' fire. Set here an' r-rest fr'm th' gratichood +iv ye'er fellow-counthrymen, that, as Shakspere says, biteth like an +asp an' stingeth like an adder. R-rest here, as ye might r-rest at th' +hearth iv millyons iv people that cud give ye no house but their own!” + +“I dinnaw about that,” said Mr. Hennessy. “I like Dewey, but I think he +oughtn't to've give away th' gift iv th' nation.” + +“Well,” said Mr. Dooley, “if 'twas a crime f'r an American citizen to +have his property in his wife's name they'd be close quarthers in th' +pinitinchry.” + + + + +MARRIAGE AND POLITICS + + +“I see,” said Mr. Hennessy, “that wan iv thim New York joods says a man +in pollytics oughtn't to be marrid.” + +“Oh, does he?” said Mr. Dooley. + +“Well, 'tis little he knows about it. A man in pollytics has got to be +marrid. If he ain't marrid where'll he go f'r another kind iv throuble? +An' where'll he find people to support? An unmarrid man don't get along +in pollytics because he don't need th' money. Whin he's in th' middle iv +a prim'ry, with maybe twinty or thirty iv th' opposite party on top +iv him, thinks he to himsilf: 'What's th' good iv fightin' f'r a job? +They'se no wan depindant on me f'r support,' an' he surrinders. But a +marrid man says: 'What'll happen to me wife an' twelve small childher if +I don't win out here today?' an' he bites his way to th' top iv th' pile +an' breaks open th' ballot box f'r home and fireside. That's th' thruth +iv it, Hinnissy. Ye'll find all th' big jobs held be marrid men an' all +th' timpry clerkships be bachelors.” + +“Th' reason th' New York jood thinks marrid men oughtn't to be in +pollytics is because he thinks pollytics is spoort. An' so it is. But +it ain't amachoor spoort, Hinnissy. They don't give ye a pewter mug with +ye'er name on it f'r takin' a chanst on bein' kilt. 'Tis a profissional +spoort, like playin' base-ball f'r a livin' or wheelin' a thruck. Ye +niver see an amachoor at annything that was as good as a profissional. +Th' best amachoor ball team is beat be a bad profissional team; a +profissional boxer that thrains on bock beer an' Swiss cheese can lam +the head off a goold medal amachoor champeen that's been atin' moldy +bread an' dhrinkin' wather f'r six months, an' th' Dago that blows th' +cornet on th' sthreet f'r what annywan 'll throw him can cut the figure +eight around Dinnis Finn, that's been takin' lessons f'r twinty year. +No, sir, pollytics ain't dhroppin' into tea, an' it ain't wurrukin' a +scroll saw, or makin' a garden in a back yard. 'Tis gettin' up at six +o'clock in th' mornin' an' r-rushin' off to wurruk, an' comin' home at +night tired an' dusty. Double wages f'r overtime an' Sundahs.” + +“So a man's got to be marrid to do it well. He's got to have a wife at +home to make him oncomfortable if he comes in dhrunk, he's got to +have little prattlin' childher that he can't sind to th' Young Ladies' +academy onless he stuffs a ballotbox properly, an' he's got to have a +sthrong desire f'r to live in th' av'noo an' be seen dhrivin' downtown +in an open carredge with his wife settin' beside him undher a r-red +parasol. If he hasn't these things he won't succeed in pollytics--or +packin' pork. Ye niver see a big man in pollytics that dhrank hard, +did ye? Ye never will. An' that's because they're all marrid. Th' +timptation's sthrong, but fear is sthronger.” + +“Th' most domestic men in th' wurruld ar-re politicians, an' they always +marry early. An' that's th' sad part iv it, Hinnissy. A pollytician +always marries above his own station. That's wan sign that he'll be a +successful pollytician. Th' throuble is, th' good woman stays planted +just where she was, an' he goes by like a fast thrain by a whistlin' +station. D'ye mind O'Leary, him that's a retired capitalist now, him +that was aldherman, an' dhrainage thrustee, an' state sinitor f'r wan +term? Well, whin I first knew O'Leary he wurruked down on a railroad +section tampin' th' thrack at wan-fifty a day. He was a sthrong, willin' +young fellow, with a stiff right-hand punch an' a schamin' brain, +an' anny wan cud see that he was intinded to go to th' fr-ront. Th' +aristocracy iv th' camp was Mrs. Cassidy, th' widdy lady that kept th' +boordin'-house. Aristocracy, Hinnissy, is like rale estate, a matther +iv location. I'm aristocracy to th' poor O'Briens back in th' alley, th' +brewery agent's aristocracy to me, his boss is aristocracy to him, an' +so it goes, up to the czar of Rooshia. He's th' pick iv th' bunch, th' +high man iv all, th' Pope not goin' in society. Well, Mrs. Cassidy was +aristocracy to O'Leary. He niver see such a stylish woman as she was +whin she turned out iv a Sundah afthernoon in her horse an' buggy. He'd +think to himsilf, 'If I iver can win that I'm settled f'r life,' an' iv +coorse he did. 'Twas a gran' weddin'; manny iv th' guests didn't show up +at wurruk f'r weeks.” + +“O'Leary done well, an' she was a good wife to him. She made money an' +kept him sthraight an' started him for constable. He won out, bein' a +sthrong man. Thin she got him to r-run f'r aldher-man, an' ye shud've +seen her th' night he was inaugurated! Be hivins, Hinnissy, she looked +like a fire in a pawnshop, fair covered with dimons an' goold watches +an' chains. She was cut out to be an aldherman's wife, and it was worth +goin' miles to watch her leadin' th' gran' march at th' Ar-rchy Road +Dimmycratic Fife an' Dhrum Corps ball.” + +“But there she stopped. A good woman an' a kind wan, she cudden't go +th' distance. She had th' house an' th' childher to care f'r an' her +eddy-cation was through with. They isn't much a woman can learn afther +she begins to raise a fam'ly. But with O'Leary 'twas diffrent. I say +'twas diff'rent with O'Leary. Ye talk about ye'er colleges, Hinnissy, +but pollytics is th' poor man's college. A la-ad without enough book +larnin' to r-read a meal-ticket, if ye give him tin years iv polly-tical +life, has th' air iv a statesman an' th' manner iv a jook, an' cud take +anny job fr'm dalin' faro bank to r-runnin th' threasury iv th' +United States. His business brings him up again' th' best men iv th' +com-munity, an' their customs an' ways iv speakin' an' thinkin' an +robbin' sticks to him. Th' good woman is at home all day. Th' on'y +people she sees is th' childher an' th' neighbors. While th' good man in +a swallow-tail coat is addhressin' th' Commercial club on what we shud +do f'r to reform pollytics, she's discussin' th' price iv groceries with +th' plumber's wife an' talkin' over th' back fince to the milkman. Thin +O'Leary moves up on th' boolyvard. He knows he'll get along all r-right +on th' boolyvard. Th' men'll say: 'They'se a good deal of rugged common +sinse in that O'Leary. He may be a robber, but they's mighty little that +escapes him.' But no wan speaks to Mrs. O'Leary. No wan asts her opinion +about our foreign policy. She sets day in an' day out behind th' dhrawn +curtains iv her three-story brownstone risidence prayin' that somewan'll +come in an' see her, an if annywan comes she's frozen with fear. An' +'tis on'y whin she slips out to Ar-rchey r-road an' finds th' plumber's +wife, an' sets in th' kitchen over a cup iv tay, that peace comes to +her. By an' by they offer O'Leary th' nommynation f'r congress. He knows +he's fit for it. He's sthronger thin th' young lawyer they have now. +People'll listen to him in Wash'nton as they do in Chicago. He says: +'I'll take it.' An' thin he thinks iv th' wife an' they's no Wash'nton +f'r him. His pollytical career is over. He wud niver have been constable +if he hadn't marrid, but he might have been sinitor if he was a +widower.” + +“Mrs. O'Leary was in to see th' Dargans th' other day. 'Ye mus' be very +happy in ye'er gran' house, with Mr. O'Leary doin' so well,' says Mrs. +Dargan. An' th' on'y answer th' foolish woman give was to break down an' +weep on Mrs. Dargan's neck.” + +“Yet ye say a pollytician oughtn't to get marrid,” said Mr. Hennessy. + +“Up to a certain point,” said Mr. Dooley, “he must be marrid. Afther +that--well, I on'y say that, though pollytics is a gran' career f'r a +man, 'tis a tough wan f'r his wife.” + + + + +ALCOHOL AS FOOD + + +“If a man come into this saloon--” Mr. Hennessy was saying. + +“This ain't no saloon,” Mr. Dooley interrupted. “This is a resthrant.” + +“A what?” Mr. Hennessy exclaimed. + +“A resthrant,” said Mr. Dooley. “Ye don't know, Hinnissy, that liquor is +food. It is though. Food--an' dhrink. That's what a doctor says in the +pa-apers, an' another doctor wants th' gover'mint to sind tubs iv th' +stuff down to th' Ph'lipeens. He says 'tis almost issintial that people +shud dhrink in thim hot climates. Th' prespiration don't dhry on +thim afther a hard pursoot iv Aggynaldoo an' th' capture iv Gin'ral +Pantaloons de Garshy; they begin to think iv home an' mother sindin' +down th' lawn-sprinkler to be filled with bock, an' they go off +somewhere, an' not bein' able to dhry thimsilves with dhrink, they want +to die. Th' disease is called nostalgia or home-sickness, or thirst.” + +“'What we want to do f'r our sojer boys in th' Ph'lipeens besides +killin' thim,' says th' ar-rmy surgeon, 'is make th' place more +homelike,' he says. 'Manny iv our heroes hasn't had th' deleeryum +thremens since we first planted th' stars an' sthripes,' he says, 'an' +th' bay'nits among th' people,' he says. 'I wud be in favor iv havin' +th' rigimints get their feet round wanst a week, at laste,' he says. +'Lave us,' he says, 'reform th' reg'lations,' he says, 'an' insthruct +our sojers to keep their powdher dhry an' their whistles wet,' he says.” + +“Th' idee ought to take, Hinnissy, f'r th' other doctor la-ad has +discovered that liquor is food. 'A man,' says he, 'can live f'r months +on a little booze taken fr'm time to time,' he says 'They'se a gr-reat +dale iv nourishment in it,' he says. An' I believe him, f'r manny's +th' man I know that don't think iv eatin' whin he can get a dhrink. I +wondher if the time will iver come whin ye'll see a man sneakin' out iv +th' fam'ly enthrance iv a lunch-room hurridly bitin' a clove! People +may get so they'll carry a light dinner iv a pint iv rye down to their +wurruk, an' a man'll tell ye he niver takes more thin a bottle iv beer +f'r breakfast. Th' cook'll give way to th' bartinder and th' doctor 'll +ordher people f'r to ate on'y at meals. Ye'll r-read in th' pa-apers +that 'Anton Boozinski, while crazed with ham an' eggs thried to kill his +wife an' childher.' On Pathrick's day ye'll see th' Dr. Tanner Anti-Food +Fife an' Drum corpse out at th' head iv th' procession instead iv th' +Father Macchews, an' they'll be places where a man can be took whin he +gets th' monkeys fr'm immodhrate eatin'. Th' sojers 'll complain that +th' liquor was unfit to dhrink an' they'll be inquiries to find out +who sold embammin' flood to th' ar-rmy--Poor people 'll have simple +meals--p'raps a bucket iv beer an' a little crame de mint, an' ye'll +r-read in th' pa-apers about a family found starvin' on th' North side, +with nawthin' to sustain life but wan small bottle iv gin, while th' +head iv th' family, a man well known to the polis, spinds his wages in a +low doggery or bakeshop fuddlin' his brains with custars pie. Th' r-rich +'ll inthrajoose novelties. P'raps they'll top off a fine dinner with a +little hasheesh or proosic acid. Th' time'll come whin ye'll see me in a +white cap fryin' a cocktail over a cooksthove, while a nigger hollers to +me: 'Dhraw a stack iv Scotch,' an' I holler back: 'On th' fire.' Ye will +not.” + + +{Illustration} + + +“That's what I thought,” said Mr. Hennessy. + +“No,” said Mr. Dooley. “Whisky wudden't be so much iv a luxury if'twas +more iv a necissity. I don't believe 'tis a food, though whin me frind +Schwartzmeister makes a cocktail all it needs is a few noodles to look +like a biled dinner. No, whisky ain't food. I think betther iv it thin +that. I wudden't insult it be placin' it on th' same low plane as a +lobster salad. Father Kelly puts it r-right, and years go by without +him lookin' on it even at Hallowe'en. 'Whisky,' says he, 'is called the +divvle, because,' he says, ''tis wan iv the fallen angels,' he says. 'It +has its place,' he says, 'but its place is not in a man's head,' says +he. 'It ought to be th' reward iv action, not th' cause iv it,' he says. +'It's f'r th' end iv th' day, not th' beginnin',' he says. 'Hot whisky +is good f'r a cold heart, an' no whisky's good f'r a hot head,' he says. +'Th' minyit a man relies on it f'r a crutch he loses th' use iv his +legs. 'Tis a bad thing to stand on, a good thing to sleep on, a good +thing to talk on, a bad thing to think on. If it's in th' head in th' +mornin' it ought not to be in th' mouth at night. If it laughs in ye, +dhrink; if it weeps, swear off. It makes some men talk like good women, +an' some women talk like bad men. It is a livin' f'r orators an' th' +death iv bookkeepers. It doesn't sustain life, but, whin taken hot with +wather, a lump iv sugar, a piece iv lemon peel, and just th' dustin' iv +a nutmeg-grater, it makes life sustainable.” + +“D'ye think ye-ersilf it sustains life?” asked Mr. Hennessy. + +“It has sustained mine f'r many years,” said Mr. Dooley. + + + + +HIGH FINANCE + + +“I think,” said Mr. Dooley, “I'll go down to th' stock yards an' buy a +dhrove iv Steel an' Wire stock.” + +“Where wud ye keep it?” asked the unsuspecting Hennessy. + +“I'll put it out on th' vacant lot,” said Mr. Dooley, “an' lave it grow +fat by atin' ol' bur-rd cages an' tin cans. I'll milk it hard, an' whin +'tis dhry I'll dispose iv it to th' widdies an' orphans iv th' Sixth +Ward that need household pets. Be hivins, if they give me half a chanst, +I'll be as gr-reat a fi-nanceer as anny man in Wall sthreet. + +“Th' reason I'm so confident iv th' value iv Steel an' Wire stock, +Hinnissy, is they're goin' to hur-rl th' chairman iv th' comity into +jail. That's what th' pa-apers calls a ray iv hope in th' clouds iv +dipression that've covered th' market so long. 'Tis always a bull +argymint. 'Snowplows common was up two pints this mornin' on th' rumor +that th' prisidint was undher ar-rest.' 'They was a gr-reat bulge in +Lobster preferred caused be th' report that instead iv declarin' a +dividend iv three hundhred per cint. th' comp'ny was preparin' to +imprison th' boord iv directors.' 'We sthrongly ricommind th' purchase +iv Con and Founder. This comp'ny is in ixcillint condition since th' +hangin' iv th' comity on reorganization.'” + +“What's th' la-ad been doin', Hinnissy? He's been lettin' his frinds +in on th' groun' flure--an' dhroppin' thim into th' cellar. Ye know +Cassidy, over in th' Fifth, him that was in th' ligislachure? Well, sir, +he was a gr-reat frind iv this man. They met down in Springfield whin +th' la-ad had something he wanted to get through that wud protect th' +widdies an' orphans iv th' counthry again their own avarice, an' he +must've handed Cassidy a good argymint, f'r Cassidy voted f'r th' bill, +though threatened with lynchin' be stockholders iv th' rival comp'ny. +He come back here so covered with dimons that wan night whin he was +standin' on th' rollin' mill dock, th' captain iv th' Eliza Brown +mistook his shirt front f'r th' bridge lights an' steered into a soap +facthry on th' lee or gas-house shore.” + +“Th' man made a sthrong impression on Cassidy. 'Twas: 'As me frind Jawn +says,' or 'I'll ask Jawn about that,' or 'I'm goin' downtown to-day to +find out what Jawn advises.' He used to play a dollar on th' horses or +sivin-up f'r th' dhrinks, but afther he met Jawn he wanted me to put in +a ticker, an' he wud set in here figurin' with a piece iv chalk on how +high Wire'd go if hoopskirts come into fashion again. 'Give me a dhrop +iv whisky,' he says, 'f'r I'm inthrested in Distillers,' he says, 'an' +I'd like to give it a shove,' he says. 'How's Gas?' he says. 'A little +weak, to-day,'” says I. + +“Twill be sthronger,' he says. 'If it ain't,' says I, 'I'll take out th' +meter an' connect th' pipe with th' ventilator. I might as well bur-rn +th' wind free as buy it,'” I says. + +“A couple iv weeks ago he see Jawn an' they had a long talk about it. +'Cassidy,' says Jawn, 'ye've been a good frind iv mine,' he says, 'an' +I'd do annything in the wurruld f'r ye, no matther what it cost ye,' he +says. 'If ye need a little money to tide over th' har-rd times till th' +ligislachure meets again buy'--an' he whispered in Cassidy's ear. 'But,' +he says, 'don't tell annywan. 'Tis a good thing, but I want to keep it +bottled up,'” he says. + +“Thin Jawn took th' thrain an' begun confidin' his secret to a few +select frinds. He give it to th' conductor on th' thrain, an' th' +porther, an' th' candy butcher; he handed it to a switchman that got on +th' platform at South Bend, an' he stopped off at Detroit long enough +to tell about it to the deepo' policeman. He had a sign painted with th' +tip on it an' hung it out th' window, an' he found a man that carrid a +thrombone in a band goin' over to Buffalo, an' he had him set th' good +thing to music an' play it through th' thrain. Whin he got to New York +he stopped at the Waldorf Asthoria, an' while th' barber was powdhrin' +his face with groun' dimons Jawn tol' him to take th' money he was goin' +to buy a policy ticket with an' get in on th' good thing. He tol' th' +bootblack, th' waiter, th' man at th' news-stand, th' clerk behind th' +desk, an' th' bartinder in his humble abode. He got up a stereopticon +show with pitchers iv a widow-an-orphan befure an' afther wirin', an' he +put an advertisement in all th' pa-apers tellin' how his stock wud make +weak men sthrong. He had th' tip sarved hot in all th' resthrants in +Wall sthrcet, an' told it confidintially to an open-air meetin' in +Madison Square. 'They'se nawthin,' he says, 'that does a tip so much +good as to give it circulation,' he says. 'I think, be this time,' he +says, 'all me frinds knows how to proceed, but--Great Hivins!' he says. +'What have I done? Whin all the poor people go to get th' stock they +won't be anny f'r thim. I can not lave thim thus in th' lurch. Me +reputation as a gintleman an' a fi-nanceer is at stake,' he says. +'Rather than see these brave people starvin' at th' dure f'r a morsel iv +common or preferred, I'll--I'll sell thim me own stock,' he says. An' he +done it. He done it, Hinnissy, with unfalthrin' courage an' a clear +eye. He sold thim his stock, an' so's they might get what was left at a +raysonable price, he wrote a confidintial note to th' pa-apers tellin' +thim th' stock wasn't worth thirty cints a cord, an' now, be hivins, +they're talkin' iv puttin' him in a common jail or pinitinchry +preferred. Th' ingratichood iv man.” + +“But what about Cassidy?” Mr. Hennessy asked. + +“Oh,” said Mr. Dooley, “he was in here las' night. 'How's our old frind +Jawn?' says I. He said nawthin'. 'Have ye seen ye'er collidge chum iv +late?' says I. 'Don't mintion that ma-an's name,' says he. 'To think iv +what I've done f'r him,' he says, 'an' him to throw me down,' he says. +'Did ye play th' tip?' says I. 'I did,' says he. 'How did ye come +out?' says I. 'I haven't a cint lift but me renommynation f'r th' +ligislachure,' says he. 'Well,' says I, 'Cassidy,' I says, 'ye've +been up again what th' pa-apers call hawt finance,' I says. 'What th' +divvle's that?' says he. 'Well,' says I, 'it ain't burglary, an' it +ain't obtainin' money be false pretinses, an' it ain't manslaughter,' +I says. 'It's what ye might call a judicious seliction fr'm th' best +features iv thim ar-rts,' I says. 'T'was too sthrong f'r me,' he says. +'It was,' says I. 'Ye're about up to simple thransom climbin', Cassidy,' +I says.” + + + + +THE PARIS EXPOSITION + + +“If this r-rush iv people to th' Paris exposition keeps up,” said Mr. +Hennessy, “they won't be enough left here f'r to ilict a prisidint.” + +“They'll be enough left,” said Mr. Dooley. “There always is. No wan +has gone fr'm Arrchey r-road, where th' voters ar-re made. I've looked +ar-round ivry mornin' expectin' to miss some familyar faces. I thought +Dorgan, th' plumber, wud go sure, but he give it up at th' las' moment, +an' will spind his summer on th' dhrainage canal. Th' baseball season +'ll keep a good manny others back, an' a number iv riprisintative +cit'zens who have stock or jobs in th' wire mills have decided that 'tis +much betther to inthrust their savin's to John W. Gates thin to blow +thim in again th' sthreets iv Cairo.” + +“But takin' it by an' large 'twill be a hard winter f'r th' r-rich. +Manny iv thim will have money enough f'r to return, but they'll be much +sufferin' among thim. I ixpict to have people dhroppin' in here nex' +fall with subscription books f'r th' survivors iv th' Paris exhibition. +Th' women down be th' rollin' mills 'll be sewin' flannels f'r th' +disthressed millyonaires, an' whin th' childher kick about th' food +ye'll say, Hinnissy, 'Just think iv th' poor wretches in th' Lake +Shore dhrive an' thank Gawd f'r what ye have.' Th' mayor 'll open soup +kitchens where th' unforchnit people can come an' get a hearty meal an' +watch th' ticker, an' whin th' season grows hard, ye'll see pinched an' +hungry plutocrats thrampin' th' sthreets with signs r-readin': 'Give us +a cold bottle or we perish.' Perhaps th' polis 'll charge thim an' +bust in their stovepipe hats, th' prisidint 'll sind th' ar-rmy here, a +conspiracy 'll be discovered at th' club to blow up th' poorhouse, an' +volunteers 'll be called on fr'm th' nickel bed houses to protect th' +vested inthrests iv established poverty.” + +“'Twill be a chanst f'r us to get even, Hinnissy. I'm goin' to organize +th' Return Visitin' Nurses' association, composed entirely iv victims iv +th' parent plant. 'Twill be worth lookin' at to see th' ladies fr'm th' +stock yards r-rushin' into some wretched home down in Peerary avenue, +grabbin' th' misthress iv th' house be th' shouldhers an' makin' her +change her onhealthy silk dhress f'r a pink wrapper, shovelin' in +a little ashes to sprinkle on th' flure, breakin' th' furniture an' +rollin' th' baby in th' coal box. What th' r-rich needs is intilligint +attintion. 'Don't ate that oatmeal. Fry a nice piece iv r-round steak +with onions, give th' baby th' bone to play with, an' sind Lucille +Ernestine acrost th' railroad thrack f'r a nickel's worth iv beer. +Thin ye'll be happy, me good woman.' Oh, 'twill be gran'. I won't +give annything to people that come to th' dure. More har-m is done be +indiscriminate charity than anny wan knows, Hinnissy. Half th' bankers +that'll come to ye-er kitchen nex' winter cud find plenty iv wurruk to +do if they really wanted it. Dhrink an' idleness is th' curse iv +th' class. If they come to me I'll sind thim to th' Paris Survivors' +Mechanical Relief Association, an' they can go down an' set on a cake iv +ice an' wait till th' man in charge finds thim a job managin' a diamond +mine.” + +{Illustration} + +Mr. Hennessy dismissed Mr. Dooley's fancy sketch with a grin and +remarked: “These here expositions is a gran' thing f'r th' progress iv +th' wurruld.” + +“Ye r-read that in th' pa-apers,” said Mr. Dooley, “an' it isn't so. +Put it down fr'm me, Hinnissy, that all expositions is a blind f'r th' +hootchy-kootchy dance. They'll be some gr-reat exhibits at th' Paris +fair. Th' man that has a machine that'll tur-rn out three hundhred +thousan' toothpicks ivry minyit'll sind over his inthrestin' device, +they'll be mountains iv infant food an' canned prunes, an' pickle +casters, an' pants, an' boots, an' shoes an' paintin's. They'll be all +th' wondhers iv modhern science. Ye can see how shirts ar-re made, an' +what gives life to th' sody fountain. Th' man that makes th' glue that +binds 'll be wearin' more medals thin an officer iv th' English ar-rmy +or a cinchry bicycle rider, an' years afther whin ye see a box iv soap +ye'll think iv th' manufacthrer standin' up befure a hundhred thousan' +frinzied Fr-rinchmen in th' Boss du Boloney while th' prisidint iv th' +Fr-rinch places a goold wreath on his fair brow an' says: 'In th' name +iv th' ar-rts an' science, undher th' motto iv our people, “Libertinity, +insanity, an' frugality,” I crown ye th' champeen soapmaker iv th' +wurruld. {Cheers.} Be ye'er magnificint invintion ye have dhrawn closer +th' ties between Paris an' Goshen, Indyanny {frantic applause}, which I +hope will niver be washed away. I wish ye much success as ye climb th' +lather iv fame.' Th' invintor is thin dhrawn ar-roun' th' sthreets iv +Paris in a chariot pulled be eight white horses amid cries iv 'Veev +Higgins,' 'Abase Castile,' et cethra, fr'm th' populace. An' manny a +heart beats proud in Goshen that night. That's th' way ye think iv it, +but it happens diff'rent, Hinnissy. Th' soap king, th' prune king, an' +th' porous plaster king fr'm here won't stir up anny tumult in Paris +this year. Th' chances ar-re th' prisidint won't know they're there, an' +no wan'll speak to thim but a cab dhriver, an' he'll say: 'Th' fare fr'm +th' Changs All Easy to th' Roo de Roo is eighteen thousan' francs, but +I'll take ye there f'r what ye have in ye-er pockets.'” + +“The millyonaire that goes over there to see th' piled up riches iv th' +wurruld in sausage-makin' 'll take a look ar-round him an' he'll say to +th' first polisman he meets: 'Gossoon, this is a fine show an' I know +yon palace is full to th' seams with chiny-ware an' washtubs, but wud ye +be so kind, mong brav', as to p'int out with ye-er club th' partic'lar +house where th' houris fr'm th' sultan's harem dances so well without +the aid iv th' human feet?' I know how it was whin we had th' fair here. +I had th' best intintions in th' wurruld to find out what I ought +to have larned fr'm me frind Armour, how with th' aid iv Gawdgiven +machinery ye can make a bedstead, a pianola, a dozen whisk-brooms, a +barrel iv sour mash whisky, a suit iv clothes, a lamp chimbly, a wig, +a can iv gunpowdher, a bah'rl iv nails, a prisidintial platform, an' a +bur-rdcage out iv what remains iv th' cow-I was detarmined to probe +into th' wondhers iv science, an' I started fair f'r th' machinery hall. +Where did I bring up, says ye? In th' fr-ront seat iv a playhouse with +me eye glued on a lady iv th' sultan's coort, near Brooklyn bridge, +thryin' to twisht out iv hersilf.” + +“No, Hinnissy, they'll be manny things larned be Americans that goes to +Paris, but they won't be about th' 'convarsion iv boots into food, or +vicey varsa,' as Hogan says. An' that's r-right. If I wint over there +'tis little time I'd be spindin' thryin' to discover how th' wondhers iv +mechanical janius are projooced that makes livin' so much more healthy +an' oncomfortable. But whin I got to Paris I'd hire me a hack or a dhray +painted r-red, an' I'd put me feet out th' sides an' I'd say to th' +dhriver: 'Rivolutionist, pint ye-er horse's head to'rds th'home iv th' +skirt dance, hit him smartly, an' go to sleep. I will see th' snow-plow +show an' th' dentisthry wurruk in th' pa-apers. F'r th' prisint I'll +devote me attintion to makin' a noise in th' sthreets an' studyin' human +nature.'” + +“Ye'd be a lively ol' buck over there,” said Mr. Hennessy, admiringly. +'“Tis a good thing ye can't go.” + +“It is so,” said Mr. Dooley. “I'm glad I have no millyonaire rilitives +to be depindent on me f'r support whin th' show's over.” + + + + +CHRISTIAN JOURNALISM + + +“I see,” said Mr. Dooley, “that th' la-ad out in Kansas that thried to +r-run a paper like what th' Lord wud r-run if he had lived in Topeka, +has thrun up th' job.” + +“Sure, I niver heerd iv him,” said Mr. Hennessy. + +“Well, 'twus this way with him,” Mr. Dooley explained. “Ye see, he +didn't like th' looks iv th' newspapers. He got tired iv r-readin' +how many rows iv plaits Mrs. Potther Pammer had on th' las' dhress she +bought, an' whether McGovern oughtn't to go into th' heavy-weight class +an' fight Jeffries, an' he says, says th' la-ad, 'This is no right +readin' f'r th' pure an' passionless youth iv Kansas,' he says. 'Give +me,' he says, 'a chanst an' I'll projooce th' kind iv organ that'd be +got out in hiven,' he says, 'price five cints a copy,' he says, 'f'r +sale be all newsdealers; f'r advertisin' rates consult th' cashier,' he +says. So a man in Topeka that had a newspaper, he says: 'I will not be +behindhand,' he says, 'in histin' Kansas up fr'm its prisint low an' +irrellijous position,' he says. 'I don't know how th' inhabitants iv th' +place ye refer to is fixed,' he says, 'f'r newspapers,' he says, 'an' I +niver heerd iv annybody fr'm Kansas home-stakin' there,' he says, 'but +if ye'll attind to th' circulation iv thim parts,' he says, 'I'll see +that th' paper is properly placed in th' hands iv th' vile an' wicked iv +this earth, where,' he says, 'th' returns ar-re more quick,' he says.” + +“Well, th' la-ad wint at it, an' 'twas a fine paper he made. Hogan was +in here th' other day with a copy iv it an' I r-read it. I haven't had +such a lithry threat since I was a watchman on th' canal f'r a week with +nawthin' to r-read but th' delinquent tax list an' the upper half iv a +weather map. 'Twas gran'. Th' editor, it seems, Hinnissy, wint into th' +editoryal rooms iv th' pa-aper an' he gathered th' force around him fr'm +their reg'lar jobs in th' dhrug stores, an' says he, 'Gintlemen,' he +says, 'tell me ye'er plans f'r to enoble this here Christyan publication +f'r to-day!' he says. 'Well,' says th' horse rayporther, 'they's +a couple iv rabbits goin' to sprint around th' thrack at th' fair +groun's,' he says. I think 'twud be a good thing f'r rellijon if ye'd +lind me tin that I might br-reak th' sin-thralled bookys that come down +here fr'm Kansas City f'r to skin th' righteous,' he says. 'No,' says +th' editor, he says, 'no horse racin' in this paper,' he says. ''Tis +th' roonation iv th' young, an' ye can't beat it,' he says. 'An' you, +fair-haired youth,' he says, 'what d'ye do that makes ye'er color so +good an' ye'er eye so bright?' 'I,' says th' la-ad, 'am th' boy that +writes th' fightin' dope,' he says. 'They'se a couple iv good wans on +at th' op'ra house to-night, an' if his Spiklets don't tin-can 'tis like +findin' money in an ol' coat that--' 'Fightin',' says th' editor, 'is +a crool an' onchristyan spoort,' he says. 'Instead iv chroniclin' th' +ruffyanism iv these misguided wretches that weigh in at th' ringside at +125 poun's, an' I see in a pa-aper I r-read in a barber shop th' other +day that Spike's gone away back--what's that I'm sayin'? Niver mind. +D'ye go down to th' home iv th' Rivrind Aloysius Augustus Morninbinch +an'interview him on th' question iv man's co-operation with grace in +conversion. Make a nice chatty article about it an' I'll give ye a copy +iv wan iv me books.' 'I will,' says th' la-ad, 'if he don't swing on +me,' he says. The editor thin addhressed th' staff. 'Gintlemen,' he +says, 'I find that th' wurruk ye've been accustomed to doin',' he says, +'is calc'lated f'r to disthroy th' morality an' debase th' home life +iv Topeka, not to mintion th' surroundin' methrolopuses iv Valencia, +Wanamaker, Sugar Works, Paxico an' Snokomo,' he says. 'Th' newspaper, +instead iv bein' a pow'rful agent f'r th' salvation iv mankind, has +become something that they want to r-read,' he says. 'Ye can all go +home,' he says. 'I'll stay here an' write th' paper mesilf,' he +says. 'I'm th' best writer ar-round here, annyhow, an' I'll give thim +something that'll prepare thim f'r death,' he says. + +“An' he did, Hinnissy, he did. 'Twas a gran' paper. They was an article +on sewerage an' wan on prayin' f'r rain, an' another on muni-cipal +ownership iv gas tanks, an' wan to show that they niver was a good +milker ownded be a pro-fane man. They was pomes, too, manny iv thim, an' +fine wans: 'Th' Man with th' Shovel,' 'Th' Man with th' Pick, 'Th' Man +with th' Cash-Raygisther,' 'Th' Man with th' Snow Plow,' 'Th' Man +with th' Bell Punch,' 'Th' Man with th' Skate,' 'Th' Man with No Kick +Comin'.' Fine pothry, th' editor askin' who pushed this here man's +forehead back an' planed down his chin, who made him wear clothes that +didn't fit him and got him a job raisin' egg-plant f'r th' monno-polists +in Topeka at a dollar a day. A man in th' editor's position ought +to know, but he didn't, so he ast in th'pomes. An' th' advertisin', +Hinnissy! I'd be scandalized f'r to go back readin' th' common +advertisin' in th' vile daily press about men's pantings, an' +DoesannyoneknowwhereIcangeta biscuit, an' In th' spring a young man's +fancy lightly turns to Pocohontas plug, not made be th' thrusts. +Th' editor left thim sacrilegious advertisements f'r his venal +contimp'raries. His was pious an' nice: 'Do ye'er smokin' in this +wurruld. Th' Christyan Unity Five-Cint See-gar is made out iv th' finest +grades iv excelsior iver projooced in Kansas!' 'Nebuchednezzar grass +seed, f'r man an' beast.' 'A handful iv meal in a barrel an' a little +ile in a curse. Swedenborgian bran fried in kerosene makes th' best +breakfast dish in th' wurruld.' 'Twus nice to r-read. It made a man feel +as if he was in church--asleep.” + +“How did th'pa-aper sthrike th' people?” says ye. “Oh, it sthruck thim +good. Says th' Topeka man, skinnin' over th' gossip about Christyan +citizenship an' th' toolchest iv pothry: 'Eliza, here's a good paper, a +fine wan, f'r ye an' th' childher. Sind Tommy down to th' corner an' get +me a copy iv th' Polis Gazette.'” + +“Ye see, Hinnissy, th' editor wint to th' wrong shop f'r what Hogan +calls his inspiration. Father Kelly was talkin' it over with me, an' +says he: 'They ain't anny news in bein' good. Ye might write th' doin's +iv all th' convents iv th' wurruld on th' back iv a postage stamp, +an' have room to spare. Supposin' ye took out iv a newspaper all th' +murdhers, an' suicides, an' divorces, an elopements, an' fires, an' +disease, an' war, an' famine,' he says, 'ye wudden't have enough left +to keep a man busy r-readin' while he rode ar-roun' th' block on th' +lightnin' express. No,' he says, 'news is sin an' sin is news, an' +I'm worth on'y a line beginnin': “Kelly, at the parish-house, April +twinty-sicond, in th' fiftieth year iv his age,” an' pay f'r that, while +Scanlan's bad boy is good f'r a column anny time he goes dhrunk an' +thries to kill a polisman. A rellijious newspaper? None iv thim f'r me. +I want to know what's goin' on among th' murdher an' burglary set. Did +ye r-read it?' he says. 'I did,' says I. 'What did ye think iv it?' says +he. 'I know,' says I, 'why more people don't go to church,' says I.” + + + + +THE ADMIRAL'S CANDIDACY + + +“I see,” said Mr. Hennessy, “that Dewey is a candydate f'r prisidint.” + +“Well, sir,” said Mr. Dooley, “I hope to hiven he won't get it. No +rilitive iv mine iver held a pollytical job barrin' mesilf. I was +precint captain, an' wan iv th' best they was in thim days, if I do +say so that shudden't. I was called Cap f'r manny years aftherward, an' +I'd've joined th' Gr-rand Army iv th' Raypublic if it hadn't been f'r me +poor feet. Manny iv me rilitives has been candydates, but they niver cud +win out again th' r-rest iv th' fam'ly. 'Tis so with Cousin George. I'm +again him. I've been a rayspictable saloon-keeper f'r forty years in +this ward, an' I'll not have th' name dhragged into pollytics.” + +“Iv coorse, I don't blame Cousin George. I'm with him f'r annything +else in th' gift iv th' people, fr'm a lovin'-cup to a house an' lot. He +don't mean annything be it. Did ye iver see a sailor thryin' to ride a +horse? 'Tis a comical sight. Th' reason a sailor thries to ride a horse +is because he niver r-rode wan befure. If he knew annything about it he +wouldn't do it. So be Cousin George. Afther he'd been over here awhile +an' got so 'twas safe f'r him to go out without bein' torn to pieces f'r +soovenirs or lynched be a mob, he took a look ar-round him an' says +he to a polisman: 'What's th' governmint iv this counthry?' 'Tis +a raypublic,' says th' polisman. 'What's th' main guy called?' says +George. 'He's called prisidint,' says th' polisman. 'Is it a good job?' +says Cousin George. ''Tis betther thin thravelin' beat,' says th' bull. +'What's th' la-ad's name that's holdin' it now?' says Cousin George. +'Mack,' says th' cop. 'Irish?' says George. 'Cross,' says th' elbow. +'Where fr'm?' says George. 'Ohio,' says the peeler. 'Where's that?' says +George. 'I dinnaw,' says th' bull. An' they parted th' best iv frinds.” + +“'Well,'” says George to himsilf, “'I guess I'll have to go up an' have a +look at this la-ad's place,' he says, 'an' if it looks good,' he says, +'p'raps I cud nail it,' he says. An' he goes up an' sees Mack dictatin' +his Porther Rickyan policy to a kinetoscope, an' it looks like a +nice employmint f'r a spry man, an' he goes back home an' sinds f'r a +rayporther, an' says he: 'I always believe since I got home in dealin' +frankly with th' press. I haven't seen manny papers since I've been +at sea, but whin I was a boy me father used to take the Montpelier +Paleejum. 'Twas r-run be a man be th' name iv Horse Clamback. He was +quite a man whin sober. Ye've heerd iv him, no doubt. But what I ast ye +up here f'r was to give ye a item that ye can write up in ye'er own way +an' hand to th' r-rest iv th' boys. I'm goin' to be prisidint. I like +th' looks iv the job an' nobody seems to care f'r it, an' I've got so +blame tired since I left th' ship that if I don't have somethin' to do +I'll go crazy,' he says. 'I wisht ye'd make a note iv it an' give it to +th' other papers,' he says. 'Ar-re ye a raypublican or a dimmycrat?' +says the rayporter. 'What's that?' says Cousin George. 'D'ye belong to +th' raypublican or th' dimmycrat party?' 'What ar-re they like?' says +Cousin George. 'Th' raypublicans ar-re in favor iv expansion.' 'Thin I'm +a raypublican.' 'Th' dim-mycrats ar-re in favor iv free thrade.' 'Thin +I'm a dimmycrat.' 'Th' raypublicans ar-re f'r upholdin' th' goold +standard.' 'So'm I. I'm a raypublican there.' 'An' they're opposed to an +income tax.' 'On that,' says Cousin George, 'I'm a dimmycrat. I tell +ye, put me down as a dimmycrat. Divvle th' bit I care. Just say I'm +a dimmycrat with sthrong raypublican leanings. Put it this way: I'm +a dimmycrat, be a point raypublican, dimmycrat. Anny sailor man'll +undherstand that.' 'What'll I say ye'er platform is?' 'Platform?' 'Ye +have to stand on a platform.' 'I do, do I? Well, I don't. I'll stand on +no platform, an' I'll hang on no sthrap. What d'ye think th'prisidincy +is--a throlley car? No, sir, whin ye peek in th' dure to sell ye'er +paper ye'll see ye'er Uncle George settin' down comfortable with his +legs crossed, thrippin' up annywan that thries to pass him. Go out now +an' write ye'er little item, f'r 'tis late an' all hands ar-re piped to +bed,' he says.” + +“An' there ye ar-re. Well, sir, 'tis a hard year Cousin George has in +store f'r him. Th' first thing he knows he'll have to pay f'r havin' his +pitchers in th' pa-aper. Thin he'll larn iv siv'ral prevyous convictions +in Vermont. Thin he'll discover that they was no union label on th' +goods he delivered at Manila. 'Twill be pointed out be careful observers +that he was ilicted prisidint iv th' A. P. A. be th' Jesuits. Thin +somewan'll dig up that story about his not feelin' anny too well th' +mornin' iv th' fight, an' ye can imajine th' pitchers they'll print, an' +th' jokes that'll be made, an' th' songs: 'Dewey Lost His Appetite at +th' Battle iv Manila. Did McKinley Iver Lose His?' An' George'll wake +up th' mornin' afther iliction an' he'll have a sore head an' a sorer +heart, an' he'll find that th' on'y support he got was fr'm th' goold +dimmycratic party, an' th' chances ar-re he caught cold fr'm goin' +out without his shawl an' cudden't vote. He'll find that a man can be +r-right an' be prisidint, but he can't be both at th' same time. An' +he'll go down to breakfast an' issue Gin'ral Ordher Number Wan, 'To All +Superyor Officers Commandin' Admirals iv th' United States navy at home +or on foreign service: If anny man mintions an admiral f'r prisidint, +hit him in th' eye an' charge same to me.' An' thin he'll go to his +office an' prepare a plan f'r to capture Dublin, th' capital iv England, +whin th' nex' war begins. An' he'll spind th' r-rest iv his life thryin' +to live down th' time he was a candydate.” + +“Well, be hivins, I think if Dewey says he's a dimmycrat an' Joyce is +with him, I'll give him a vote,” said Mr. Hennessy. “It's no sin to be a +candydate f'r prisidint.” + +“No,” said Mr. Dooley. “Tis sometimes a misfortune an' sometimes a joke. +But I hope ye won't vote f'r him. He might be ilicted if ye did. I'd +like to raymimber him, an' it might be I cudden't if he got th' job. Who +was the prisidint befure Mack? Oh, tubby sure!” + + + + +CUSTOMS OF KENTUCKY + + +“Well, sir,” said Mr. Dooley, “'tis good to see that th' gloryous ol' +commonwealth iv Kentucky is itsilf again.” + +“How's that?” asked Mr. Hennessy. + +“F'r some time past,” said Mr. Dooley, “they's been nawthin' doin' +that'd make a meetin' iv th' Epworth League inthrestin'. Th' bystanders +in Kentucky has been as safe as a journeyman highwayman in Chicago. +Perfectly innocent an' unarmed men wint into th' state an' come out +again without a bullethole in their backs. It looked f'r awhile as if +th' life iv th' ordn'ry visitor was goin' to be as harmless in Kentucky +as in Utah, th' home iv th' desthroyers iv American domestic life. I +dinnaw why it was, whether it was th' influence iv our new citizens in +Cubia an' th' Ph'lippeens or what it was, but annyhow th' on'y news that +come out iv Kentucky was as peaceful, Hinnissy, as th' rayports iv a +bloody battle in South Africa. But Kentucky, as Hogan says, was not dead +but on'y sleepin'. Th' other day that gran' ol' state woke up through +two iv its foremost rapid firin' citizens.” + +“They met be chanst in a hotel con-tagious to a bar. Colonel Derringer +was settin' in a chair peacefully fixin' th' hammer iv his forty-four +Colt gun, presinted to him be his constitooents on th' occasion iv his +mim'rable speech on th' nicissity iv spreadin' th' civilization iv th' +United States to th' ends iv th' wur-ruld. Surroundin' him was Major +Bullseye, a well-known lawyer, cattle-raiser an' journalist iv Athens, +Bulger County, whose desthruction iv Captain Cassius Glaucus Wiggins at +th' meetin' iv' th' thrustees in th' Sicond Baptist Church excited +so much comment among spoortin' men three or four years ago, Gin'ral +Rangefinder iv Thebes, Colonel Chivvy iv Sparta, who whittled Major +Lycurgus Gam iv Thermopylae down to th' wishbone at th' anti-polygamist +meetin' las' June, an' other well-known gintlemen.” + +“Th' party was suddenly confronted be Major Lyddite iv Carthage an' +a party iv frinds who were in town for th' purpose iv protectin' th' +suffrage again' anny pollution but their own. Colonel Derringer an' +Major Lyddite had been inimies f'r sivral months, iver since Major +Lyddite in an attimpt to desthroy wan iv his fellow-citizens killed a +cow belongin' to th' janial Colonel. Th' two gintlemen had sworn f'r to +slay each other at sight or thirty days, an' all Kentucky society +has been on what Hogan calls th' _quee veev_ or look-out f'r another +thrajeedy to be added to th' long list iv sim'lar ivints that marks th' +histhry iv th' Dark an' Bloody Groun'--which is a name given to Kentucky +be her affectionate sons.” + +{Illustration} + + +“Without a wur-rud or a bow both gintlemen dhrew on each other an' +begun a deadly fusillade. That is, Hinnissy, they begun shootin' at +th' bystanders. I'll tell ye what th' pa-apers said about it. Th' two +antagonists was in perfect form an' well sustained th' reputation iv th' +state f'r acc'rate workmanship. Colonel Derringer's first shot caught a +boot an' shoe drummer fr'm Chicago square in th' back amid consid'rable +applause. Major Lyddite tied th' scoor be nailin' a scrubwoman on th' +top iv a ladder. Th' man at th' traps sprung a bell boy whom th' Colonel +on'y winged, thus goin' back wan, but his second barrel brought down a +book-canvasser fr'm New York, an' this bein' a Jew man sint him ahead +three. Th' Major had an aisy wan f'r th' head waiter, nailin' him just +as he jumped into a coal hole. Four all. Th' Colonel thried a difficult +polisman, lamin' him. Thin th' Major turned his attintion to his own +frinds, an' made three twos in succession. Th' Colonel was not so +forch'nate. He caught Major Bullseye an' Captain Wiggins, but Gin'ral +Rangefinder was safe behind a barber's pole an' Colonel Chivvy fluttered +out iv range. Thus th' scoor was tin to six at th' conclusion iv th' +day's spoort in favor iv Major Lyddite. Unforchnately th' gallant Major +was onable f'r to reap th' reward iv his excellent marksmanship, f'r in +a vain indeavor f'r a large scoor, he chased th' barber iv th' sicond +chair into th' street, an' there slippin' on a banana peel, fell an' +sustained injuries fr'm which he subsequently died. In him th' counthry +loses a valu'ble an' acc'rate citizen, th' state a lile an' rapid firin' +son, an' society a leadin' figure, his meat-market an' grocery bein' wan +iv th' largest outside iv Minerva. Some idee iv th' acc'racy iv th' +fire can be gained fr'm th' detailed scoor, as follows: Lyddite, three +hearts, wan lung, wan kidney, five brains. Derringer, four hearts, +two brains. This has seldom been excelled. Among th' minor casualties +resultin' fr'm this painful but delightful soiree was th' followin': +Erastus Haitch Muggins, kilt be jumpin' fr'm th' roof; Blank Cassidy, +hide an' pelt salesman fr'm Chicago, burrid undher victims; Captain +Epaminondas Lucius Quintus Cassius Marcellus Xerxes Cyrus Bangs of +Hoganpolis, Hamilcar Township, Butseen County, died iv hear-rt disease +whin his scoor was tied. Th' las' named was a prominent leader in +society, a crack shot an' a gintleman iv th' ol' school without fear an' +without reproach. His son succeeds to his lunch car. Th' others don't +count.” + +“'Twas a gr-reat day f'r Kentucky, Hinnissy, an' it puts th' gran' +ol' state two or three notches ahead iv anny sim'lar community in th' +wur-ruld. Talk about th' Boer war an' th' campaign in th' Ph'lippeens! +Whin Kentucky begins f'r to shoot up her fav'rite sons they'll be more +blood spilled thin thim two play wars'd spill between now an' th' time +whin Ladysmith's relieved f'r th' las' time an' Agynaldoo is r-run up +a three in th' outermost corner iv Hoar County, state iv Luzon. They'se +rale shootin' in Kentucky, an' whin it begins ivrybody takes a hand. +'Tis th' on'y safe way. If ye thry to be an onlooker an' what they calls +a non-combatant 'tis pretty sure ye'll be taken home to ye'er fam'ly +lookin' like a cribbage-boord. So th' thing f'r ye to do is to be wan iv +th' shooters ye'ersilf, load up ye'er gun an' whale away f'r th' honor +iv ye'er counthry.” + +“'Tis a disgrace,” said Mr. Hennessy. “Where were th' polis?” + +“This was not th' place f'r a polisman,” said Mr. Dooley. “I suspict +though, fr'm me knowledge iv th' kind iv man that uses firear-rms that +if some wan'd had th' prisence iv mind to sing out 'They'se a man at th' +bar that offers to buy dhrinks f'r th' crowd,' they'd be less casu'lties +fr'm bullets, though they might be enough people kilt in th' r-rush to +even it up. But whin I read about these social affairs in Kentucky, I +sometimes wish some spool cotton salesman fr'm Matsachoosets, who'd +be sure to get kilt whin th' shootin' begun, wud go down there with a +baseball bat an' begin tappin' th' gallant gintlemen on th' head befure +breakfast an' in silf definse. I'll bet ye he'd have thim jumpin' +through thransoms in less thin two minyits, f'r ye can put this down as +thrue fr'm wan that's seen manny a shootin', that a man, barrin' he's a +polisman, on'y dhraws a gun whin he's dhrunk or afraid. Th' gun fighter, +Hinnissy, tin to wan is a cow'rd.” + +“That's so,” said Mr. Hennessy. “But it don't do to take anny chances +on.” + +“No,” said Mr. Dooley, “he might be dhrunk.” + + + + +A SOCIETY SCANDAL + + +“Well, sir, I guess I'm not up on etiket,” said Mr. Dooley. + +“How's that?” demanded Mr. Hennessy. + +“I've been readin' about Willum Waldorf Asthor,” replied Mr. Dooley, +“an' th' throuble he had with a la-ad that bummed his way into his +party. Ye see, Hinnissy, Willum Waldorf Asthor give a party at his +large an' commodjious house in London. That's where he lives--in +London--though he r-runs a hotel in New York, where ye can see half th' +state iv Ioway near anny night, they tell me. Well, he give this party +on a gran' scale, an' bought gr-reat slathers iv food an' dhrink, +an' invited th' neighbors an' the neighbors' childher. But wan man he +wudden't have. He's goin' over th' list iv th' people that's to come, +an' he says to his sicrety: 'Scratch that boy. Him an' me bump as we +pass by.' He didn't want this fellow, ye see, Hinnissy. I don't know +why. They was dissatisfaction between thim; annyhow, he says: 'Scratch +him,' an' he was out iv it.” + +“Well, wan night, th' fellow was settin' down f'r a bite to eat with +Lady O----, an' Lady S----, an' Lady G----, an' Lady Y----, an' other +ladies that had lost their names, an' says wan iv thim, 'Cap,' she says, +'ar-re ye goin' to Asthor's doin's tonight?' she says. 'Not that I know +iv,' says th' Cap. 'He hasn't sint me anny wurrud that I'm wanted,' he +says. 'What differ does it make,' says th' lady. 'Write an invitation +f'r ye'rsilf on ye'er cuff an' come along with us,' says she. 'I'll do +it,' says the Cap, an' he sint f'r an automobile an' goes along. + +“Well, ivrything was all r-right f'r awhile, an' th' Cap was assaultin' +a knuckle iv ham an' a shell iv beer, whin Willum Waldorf Asthor comes +up an' taps him on th' shoulder an' says: 'Duck.' 'What name?' says +th' Cap. 'Asthor,' says Willum. 'Oh,' says th' Cap, 'ye're th' American +gazabo that owns this hut,' he says. 'I am,' says Willum. 'I can't go,' +says th' Cap. 'Ye didn't ask me here an' ye can't sind me away,' he +says. 'Gossoon, another shell iv malt, an' dhraw it more slow,' he says. +'I am an English gintleman an' I know me rights,' he says. 'Dure or +window,' says Willum. 'Take ye'er choice,' he says. 'If ye insist,' says +th' Cap, 'I'll take th' dure,' he says, 'but ye don't know th' customs +iv civilization,' he says; an' th' hired man just grazed him on th' dure +sthep. + +“Well, Willum Waldorf Asthor was that mad, he wint down to his pa-aper +office, an' says he, 'I want to put in an item,' he says, an' he put +it in. 'It is wished,' he says, 'to be apprihinded,' he says, 'be those +desirous not to have been misinformed,' he says, 'concarnin' th' recent +appearance iv Cap Sir Mills at me party,' he says, 'that 'twas not be me +that said Cap Sir Mills come to be on th' site,' he says, 'but rather,' +he says, 'through a desire on th' part iv Cap Sir Mills to butt into a +party to which his invitation was lost about three hours befure 'twas +written,' he says.” + +“Well, now, ye'd think that was all right, wudden't ye? Ye'd say Asthor +acted mild whin he didn't take down his goold ice pick from th' wall +an' bate th' Cap over th' head. Th' Cap, though a ganial soul, had no +business there. 'Twas Willum Waldorf Asthor that paid f'r the ice cream +an' rented th' chiny. But that's where ye'd be wrong, an' that's where I +was wrong. Whin th' Prince iv Wales heerd iv it he was furyous. 'What,' +he says, 'is an English gintleman goin' to be pegged out iv dures be a +mere American be descent?' he says. 'A man,' he says, 'that hasn't +an entail to his name,' he says. 'An American's home in London is an +Englishman's castle,' he says. 'As th' late Earl iv Pitt said, th' +furniture may go out iv it, th' constable may enther, th' mortgage may +fall on th' rooned roof, but a thrue Englishman'll niver leave,' he +says, 'while they'se food an' dhrink,' he says. 'Willum Waldorf Asthor +has busted th' laws iv hospitality, an' made a monkey iv a lile subjick +iv th' queen,' he says. 'Hinceforth,' he says, 'he's ast to no picnics +iv th' Buckingham Palace Chowder Club,' he says. An' th' nex' day Willum +Waldorf Asthor met him at th' races where he was puttin' down a bit iv +money an' spoke to him, an' th' Prince iv Wales gave him wan in th' eye. +He must've had something in his hand, f'r the pa-aper said he cut him. +P'raps 'twas his scipter. An' now no wan'll speak to Willum Waldorf +Asthor, an' he's not goin' to be a jook at all, an' he may have to come +back here an' be nachurlized over again like a Bohamian. He's all broke +up about it. He's gone to Germany to take a bath.” + +“Lord, help us,” said Mr. Hennessy, “can't he get wan nearer home?” + +“It seems not,” said Mr. Dooley. “Mebbe the Prince iv Wales has had th' +wather cut off. He has a big pull with th' people in th' city hall.” + + + + +DOINGS OF ANARCHISTS + + +“Why should anny man want to kill a king?” said Mr. Dooley. “That's what +I'd like to know. Little gredge have I again' anny monarch in th' deck. +Live an' let live's me motto. Th' more ye have in this wurruld th' less +ye have. Make in wan place, lose in another's th' rule, me boy. Little +joy, little sorrow. Takin' it all an' all I'd rather be where I am thin +on a throne, an' be th' look iv things I'll have me wish. 'Tis no aisy +job bein' a king barrin' th' fact that ye don't have to marry th' woman +iv ye'er choice but th' woman iv somebody else's. 'Tis like takin' a +conthract an' havin' th' union furnish th' foreman an' th' mateeryal. +Thin if th' wurruk ain't good a wild-eyed man fr'm Paterson, Noo Jarsey, +laves his monkey an' his hand organ an' takes a shot at ye. Thank +th' Lord I'm not so big that anny man can get comfort fr'm pumpin' a +Winchester at me fr'm th' top iv a house.” + +“But if I was king ne'er an organ grinder'd get near enough me to take +me life with a Hotchkiss gun. I'd be so far away fr'm the multitood, +Hinnissy, that they cud on'y distinguish me rile features with a +spy-glass. I'd have polismen at ivry tur-rn, an' I'd have me subjicks +retire to th' cellar whin I took me walk. Divvle a bit wud you catch me +splattherin' mesilf with morthar an' stickin' newspapers in a hole in a +corner shtone to show future gin'rations th' progress iv crime in +this cinchry. They'd lay their own corner-shtone f'r all iv me. I'd +communicate with th' pop'lace be means iv ginral ordhers, an' I'd make +it a thing worth tellin' about to see th' face iv th' gr-reat an' good +King Dooley.” + +“Kings is makin' thimsilves too common. Nowadays an arnychist dhrops +into a lunch-room at th' railroad depot an' sees a man settin' on a +stool atin' a quarther section iv a gooseb'ry pie an' dhrinkin' a glass +iv buttermilk. 'D'ye know who that is?' says th' lunch-counter lady. +'I do not,' says th' arnychist, 'but be th' look iv him he ain't much.' +'That's th' king,' says th' lady. 'Th' king, is it,' says th' arnychist. +'Thin here's f'r wan king less,' he says, an' 'tis all over. A king +ought to be a king or he oughtn't. He don't need to be a good mixer. If +he wants to hang on he must keep out iv range. 'Tis th' kings an' queens +that thrusts so much in th' lilety iv their people that they live in +summer resort hotels an' go out walkin' with a dog that's hurted. Th' +on'y person that ought to be able to get near enough a rale king to kill +him is a jook, or th' likes iv that. Th' idee iv a man from Noo Jarsey +havin' th' chanst!” + +{Illustration} + +“What on earth's to be done about thim arnychists?” Mr. Hennessy asked. +“What ails thim annyhow? What do they want?” + +“Th' Lord on'y knows,” said Mr. Dooley. + +“They don't want annything, that's what they want. They want peace on +earth an' th' way they propose to get it is be murdhrin' ivry man that +don't agree with thim. They think we all shud do as they please. They're +down on th' polis foorce an' in favor iv th' pop'lace, an' whin they've +kilt a king they call on th' polis to save thim fr'm th' mob. An' +between you an' me, Hinnissy, ivry arnychist I've knowed, an' I've met +manny in me time, an' quite, law-abidin' citizens they was, too, had th' +makin' iv a thradeejan in him. If they was no newspapers they'd be few +arnychists. They want to get their pitchers in th' pa-apers an' they +can't do it be wheelin' bananas through th' sthreets or milkin' a cow, +so they go out an' kill a king. I used to know a man be th' name iv +Schmitt that was a cobbler be profession an' lived next dure but wan to +me. He was th' dacintist man ye iver see. He kep' a canary bur-rd, an' +his devotion to his wife was th' scandal iv th' neighborhood. But bless +my soul, how he hated kings. He cudden't abide Cassidy afther he heerd +he was a dayscinded fr'm th' kings iv Connock, though Cassidy was what +ye call a prolotoorio or a talkin' workin'man. An' th' wan king he hated +above all others was th' king iv Scholizwig-Holstein, which was th' +barbarous counthry he come fr'm. He cud talk fairly dacint about other +kings, but this wan--Ludwig was his name an' I seen his pitcher in +th' pa-apers wanst--wud throw him into a fit. He blamed ivrything that +happened to Ludwig. If they was a sthrike he charged it to Ludwig. +If Schwartzmeister didn't pay him f'r half-solin' a pair iv Congress +gaiters he used to wear in thim days, he tied a sthring arround his +finger f'r to remind him that he had to kill Ludwig. 'What have ye +again' th' king?' says I. 'He is an opprissor iv th' poor,' he says. +'So ar-re ye,' I says, 'or ye'd mend boots free.' 'He's explodin' th' +prolotoorio,' he says. 'Sure,' says I, 'th' prolotoorio can explode +thimsilves pretty well,' says I. 'He oughtn't to be allowed to live in +luxury while others starve,' he says. 'An' wud ye be killin' a man f'r +holdin' a nice job?' says I. 'What good wud it do ye?' says I. 'I'd be +th' emancipator iv th' people,' says he. 'Ye'd have th' wurred on th' +coffin lid,' says I. 'Why,' says he, 'think iv me, Schmitt, Owgoost +Schmitt, stalkin' forth to avinge th' woes iv th' poor,' he says. +'Loodwig, th' cursed, goes by. I jumps fr'm behind a three an' society +is freed fr'm th' monsther,' he says. 'Think iv th' glory iv it,' he +says. 'Owgoost Schmitt, emancipator,' he says. 'I'll prove to Mary Ann +that I'm a man,' he says. Mary Ann was his wife. Her maiden name was +Riley. She heard him say it. 'Gus,' says she, 'if iver I hear iv ye +shootin' e'er a king I'll lave ye,' she says.” + +“Well, sir, I thought he was jokin', but be hivins, wan day he +disappeared, an' lo an' behold, two weeks afther I picks up a pa-aper +an' r-reads that me brave Schmitt was took up be th' polis f'r thryin' +to cop a monarch fr'm behind a three. I sint him a copy iv a pa-aper +with his pitcher in it, but I don't know if iver he got it. He's over +there now an' his wife is takin' in washin'.” + +“It's vanity that makes arnychists, Hinnissy--vanity an' th' habits +kings has nowadays iv bein' as common as life insurance agents.” + +“I don't like kings,” said Mr. Hennessy, “but I like arnychists less. +They ought to be kilt off as fast as they're caught.” + +“They'll be that,” said Mr. Dooley. “But killin' thim is like wringin' +th' neck iv a mickrobe.” + + + + +ANGLO-AMERICAN SPORTS + + +“Hinnissy, if iver we have war with what me frind Carl Schurz'd call th' +Mother County, it'll not come fr'm anny Vinnyzwalan question. Ye can't +get me excited over th' throbbin' debate on th' location iv th' Orynocoo +River or whether th' miners that go to Alaska f'r goold ar're buried be +th' Canajeen or th' American authorities. Ye bet ye can't. But some +day we'll be beat in a yacht r-race or done up at futball an' thin what +Hogan call th' dogs iv war'll break out iv th' kennel an' divastate th' +wurruld.” + +“Well,” said Mr. Hennessy, complacently, “if we wait f'r that we might +as well disband our navy.” + +“I dinnaw about that,” said Mr. Dooley, “I dinnaw abut that; afther ye +left to investigate th' ir'n foundhries an' other pitcheresque roons iv +this misguided counthry, I wint out to give a few raw rahs f'r me fellow +colleejens, who was attimptin' to dimonsthrate their supeeryority over +th' effete scholars iv England at what I see be th' pa-apers is called +th' Olympian games. Ye get to th' Olympian games be suffocation in +a tunnel. Whin ye come to, ye pay four shillin's or a dollar in our +degraded currency, an' stand in th' sun an' look at th' Prince iv Wales. +Th' Prince iv Wales looks at ye, too, but he don't see ye.” + +“Me frind, th' American ambassadure was there, an' manny iv th' seats iv +larnin' in th' gran' stand was occupied be th' flower iv our seminaries +iv meditation or thought conservatories. I r-read it in th' pa-apers. +At th' time I come in they was recitin' a pome fr'm th' Greek, to a +thoughtful-lookin' young profissor wearin' th' star-spangled banner f'r +a necktie an' smokin' a cigareet. 'Now, boys,' says th' profissor, 'all +together.' 'Rickety, co-ex, co-ex, hullabaloo, bozoo, bozoo, Harvard,' +says th' lads. I was that proud iv me belovid counthry that I wanted +to take off me hat there an' thin an' give th' colledge yell iv th' +Ar-rchey road reform school. But I was resthrained be a frind iv mine +that I met comin' over. He was fr'm Matsachoosetts, an' says he: +'Don't make a disturbance,' he says. 'We've got to create a fav'rable +impression here,' he says, 'Th' English,' he says, 'niver shows +enthusyasm,' he says. 'Tis regarded as unpolite,' he says. 'If ye yell,' +he says, 'they'll think we want to win,' he says, 'an' we didn't come +over here to win,' he says. 'Let us show thim,' he says, 'that we're +gintlemen, be it iver so painful,' he says. An' I resthrained mesilf be +puttin' me fist in me mouth.” + +{Illustration} + +“They was an Englishman standin' behind me, Hinnissy, an' he was a +model iv behaviour f'r all Americans intindin' to take up their homes in +Cubia. Ye cudden't get this la-ad war-rmed up if ye built a fire undher +him. He had an eye-glass pinned to his face an' he niver even smiled +whin a young gintleman fr'm Harvard threw a sledge hammer wan mile, two +inches. A fine la-ad, that Harvard man, but if throwin' th' hammer's +spoort, thin th' rowlin' mills is th' athletic cintre iv our belovid +counthry. Whin an Englishman jumped further thin another la-ad, me frind +th' Ice-box, says he: 'H'yah, h'yah!' So whin an American la-ad lept up +in th' air as though he'd been caught be th' anchor iv a baloon, I says: +'H'yah, h'yah!' too. Whin a sign iv th' effete aristocracy iv England +done up sivral free-bor-rn Americans fr'm Boston in a fut r-race, me +frind the Farthest North, he grabs his wan glass eye an' says he: 'Well +r-run, Cambridge!' he says; 'Well r-run,' he says. An' 'Well r-run, +whativer colledge ye're fr'm,' says I, whin wan iv our la-ads jumped +over a fence ahead iv some eager but consarvative English scholars.” + +“Well, like a good game, it come three an' three. Three times had +victhry perched upon our banner an' thrice--I see it in th' pa-aper--had +th' flag iv th' mother counthry proclaimed that Englishmen can r-run. It +was thryin' on me narves an' I wanted to yell whin th' tie was r-run +off but th' man fr'm Matsachoosetts says: 'Contain ye'ersilf,' he says. +'Don't allow ye'er frinzied American spirit to get away with ye'er +manners,' he says. 'Obsarve.' he says, 'th' ca'm with which our brother +Anglo-Saxon views th' scene,' he says. 'Ah!' he says, 'they're off +an' be th' jumpin' George Wash'nton, I bet ye that fellow fr'm West +Newton'll make that red-headed, long-legged, bread-ballasted Englishman +look like thirty cints. 'Hurroo,' he says. 'Go on, Harvard,' he says. +'Go on,' he says. 'Rah, rah, rah,' he says. 'Ate him up, chew him up,' +he says. 'Harvard!' he says.” + +“I looked ar-round at th' ca'm dispassyonate Englishman. He dhropped his +eye-glass so he cud see th' race an' he had his cane in th' air. 'Well +r-run,' he says. 'Well r-run, Cambridge,' he says. 'Pull him down,' +he says. 'Run over him,' he says. 'Thrip him up,' he says. 'They can't +r-run,' he says, 'except whin they're Ph'lipinos behind thim,' he says. +'Well r-run,' he says, an' he welted th' man fr'm Matsachoosetts with +his cane. 'Be careful what ye're doin' there,' says th' Anglo-Saxon. +'If it wasn't f'r th' 'liance I'd punch ye'er head off,' he says. 'An',' +says th' ca'm Englishman, 'if it wasn't f'r our common hurtage,' he +says, 'I'd make ye jump over th' gran' stand,' he says. 'Th' English +always cud beat us r-runnin',' says the sage iv Matsachoosetts. 'Th' +Americans start first an' finishes last,' says th' Englishman. An' I had +to pull thim apart.” + +“Whether it is that our American colleejans spinds too much iv their +lung power in provin' their devotion to what Hogan calls their +Almy Matthers or not, I dinnaw, but annyhow, we had to dhrag th' +riprisintative iv our branch iv th' Anglo-Saxon an' Boheemyan +civilization in th' three-mile race fr'm undher two thousand iv our +cousins or brothers-in-law that was ca'mly an' soberly, but hurridly an' +noisily chargin' acrost th' thrack to cheer their own man.” + +“Me frind fr'm Matsachoosets was blue as we winded our way to th' +sthrangulation railway an' started back f'r home. 'I'm sorry,' he says, +'to lose me timper,' he says, 'but,' he says, 'afther all th' pretinded +affection iv these people f'r us,' he says, 'an' afther all we've done +f'r thim in Alaska an'--an' ivrywhere,' he says, 'an' thim sellin' us +coal whin they might've sold it to th' Spanyards if th' Spanyards'd +had th' money,' he says, 'to see th' conduct iv that coarse an' brutal +Englishman--' 'Th' wan that won th' r-race?' says I. 'Yes,' he says. +'No, I mean th' wan that lammed me with his cane,' he says. 'If it +hadn't been,' he says, 'that we're united,' he says, 'be a common +pathrimony,' he says, 'I'd've had his life,' he says. 'Ye wud so,' says +I, 'an' ye're r-right,' I says. 'If all th' la-ads enthered into th' +r-races with th' same spirit ye show now,' I says, 'th' English flag'd +be dhroopin' fr'm th' staff, an' Cyrus Bodley iv Wadham, Mass., 'd be +paintin' th' stars an' sthripes on th' Nelson monnymint,' I says. 'Whin +we hated th' English,' I says, 'an' a yacht r-race was li'ble to end in +a war message fr'm the prisidint, we used to bate thim,' I says. 'Now,' +says I, 'whin we're afraid to injure their feelin's,' I says, 'an' whin +we 'pologise befure we punch, they bate us,' I says. 'They're used to +'pologisin' with wan hand an' punchin' with th' other,' I says. 'Th' +on'y way is th' way iv me cousin Mike,' I says. 'He was a gr-reat +rassler an' whin he had a full Nelson on th' foolish man that wint again +him, he used to say, 'Dear me, am I breakin' ye'er neck, I hope so.'” + +“But th' Matsachoosetts man didn't see it that way. An' some time, I +tell ye, Hinnissy, an' Englishman'll put th' shot wan fut further than +wan iv our men th' Lord save us fr'm th' disgrace!--an' th' next day +we'll invade Canada.” + +“We ought to do it, annyhow,” said Mr. Hennessy stoutly. + +“We wud,” said Mr. Dooley, “if we were sure we cud lave it aftherwards.” + + + + +VOICES FROM THE TOMB + + +“I don't think,” said Mr. Dooley, “that me frind Willum Jennings Bryan +is as good an orator as he was four years ago.” + +“He's th' grandest talker that's lived since Dan'l O'Connell,” said Mr. +Hennessy. + +“Ye've heerd thim all an' ye know,” said Mr. Dooley. “But I tell ye he's +gone back. D'ye mind th' time we wint down to th' Coleesyum an' he come +out in a black alapaca coat an' pushed into th' air th' finest wurruds +ye iver heerd spoke in all ye'er bor-rn days? 'Twas a balloon ascinsion +an' th' las' days iv Pompey an' a blast on th' canal all in wan. I had +to hold on to me chair to keep fr'm goin' up in th' air, an' I mind that +if it hadn't been f'r a crack on th' head ye got fr'm a dillygate fr'm +Westconsin ye'd 've been in th' hair iv Gin'ral Bragg. Dear me, will ye +iver f'rget it, th' way he pumped it into th' pluthocrats? 'I tell +ye here an' now,' he says, 'they'se as good business men in th' +quite counthry graveyards iv Kansas as ye can find in the palathial +lunch-counthers iv Wall street,' he says. 'Whin I see th' face iv that +man who looks like a two-dollar pitcher iv Napolyeon at Saint Heleena,' +he says, 'I say to mesilf, ye shall not--ye shall not'--what th' divvle +is it ye shall not do, Hinnissy?” + +“Ye shall not crucify mankind upon a crown iv thorns,” said Mr. +Hennessy. + +“Right ye ar-re, I forgot,” Mr. Dooley went on. “Well, thim were his own +wurruds. He was young an' he wanted something an' he spoke up. He'd been +a rayporther on a newspaper an' he'd rather be prisidint thin write anny +longer f'r th' pa-aper, an' he made th' whole iv th' piece out iv his +own head. + +“But nowadays he has tin wurruds f'r Thomas Jefferson an' th' rest iv +th' sage crop to wan f'r himsilf. 'Fellow-dimmycrats,' he says, 'befure +goin' anny farther, an' maybe farin' worse, I reluctantly accipt th' +nommynation f'r prisidint that I have caused ye to offer me,' he says, +'an' good luck to me,' he says. 'Seein' th' counthry in th' condition +it is,' he says, 'I cannot rayfuse,' he says. 'I will now lave a subject +that must be disagreeable to manny iv ye an' speak a few wurruds fr'm +th' fathers iv th' party, iv whom there ar-re manny,' he says, 'though +no shame to th' party, f'r all iv that,' he says. 'Thomas Jefferson, +th' sage iv Monticello, says: “Ye can't make a silk purse out iv a +sow's ear,” a remark that will at wanst recall th' sayin' iv Binjamin +Franklin, th' sage iv Camden, that “th' fartherest way ar-round is th' +shortest way acrost.” Nawthin' cud be thruer thin that onliss it is th' +ipygram iv Andhrew Jackson, th' sage iv Syr-acuse, that “a bur-rd in th' +hand is worth two in th' bush.” What gran' wurruds thim ar-re, an' how +they must torture th' prisint leaders iv th' raypublican party. Sam'l +Adams, th' sage iv Salem, says: “Laugh an' the wurruld laughs with ye,” + while Pathrick Hinnery, th' sage iv Jarsey City, puts it that “ye shud +always bet aces befure th' dhraw.” Turnin' farther back into histhry we +find that Brian Boru, th' sage iv Munsther, said: “Cead mille failthé,” + an' Joolyus Caesar, th' sage iv Waukeesha, says, “Whin ye're in Rome, +do th' Romans.” Nebuchedneezar--there's a name f'r ye--th' sage iv +I-dinnaw-where, says: “Ye can't ate ye'er hay an' have it.” Solomon, th' +sage iv Sageville, said, “Whin a man's marrid his throubles begins,” an' +Adam, th' sage iv Eden, put it that “A snake in th' grass is worth two +in th' boots.” Ye'll see be this, me good an' thrue frinds, that th' +voices fr'm th' tombs is united in wan gran' chorus f'r th' ticket ye +have nommynated. I will say no more, but on a future occasion, whin I've +been down in southern Injyanny, I'll tell ye what th' sages an' fathers +iv th' party in th' Ancient an' Hon'rable Association iv Mound-Builders +had to say about th' prisint crisis.'” + +“'Tisn't Bryan alone, Mack's th' same way. They're both ancesther +worshippers, like th' Chinese, Hinnissy. An' what I'd like to know is +what Thomas Jefferson knew about th' throubles iv ye an' me? Divvle a +wurrud have I to say again' Thomas. He was a good man in his day, though +I don't know that his battin' av'rage 'd be high again' th' pitchin' iv +these times. I have a gr-reat rayspict f'r the sages an' I believe +in namin' sthreets an' public schools afther thim. But suppose Thomas +Jefferson was to come back here now an' say to himsilf: 'They'se a good +dimmycrat up in Ar-rchy road an' I think I'll dhrop in on him an' talk +over th' issues iv th' day.' Well, maybe he cud r-ride his old gray mare +up an' not be kilt be the throlley cars, an' maybe th' la-ads'd think he +was crazy an' not murdher him f'r his clothes. An' maybe they wudden't. +But annyhow, suppose he got here, an' afther he'd fumbled ar-round at +th' latch--f'r they had sthrings on th' dure in thim days--I let him in. +Well, whin I've injooced him to take a bowl iv red liquor--f'r in his +time th' dhrink was white--an' explained how th' seltzer comes out an' +th' cash raygisther wurruks, an' wather is dhrawn fr'm th' fassit, an' +gas is lighted fr'm th' burner, an' got him so he wud not bump his head +again' th' ceilin' ivry time th' beer pump threw a fit--afther that we'd +talk iv the pollytical situation.” + +“'How does it go?' says Thomas. 'Well,' says I, 'it looks as though +Ioway was sure raypublican,' says I. 'Ioway?' says he. 'What's that?' +says he. 'Ioway,' says I, 'is a state,' says I. 'I niver heerd iv it,' +says he. 'Faith ye did not,' says I. 'But it's a state just th' same, +an' full iv corn an' people,' I says. 'An' why is it raypublican?' +says he. 'Because,' says I, 'th' people out there is f'r holdin' th' +Ph'lippeens,' says I. 'What th' divvle ar-re th' Ph'lippeens?' says he. +'Is it a festival,' says he, 'or a dhrink?' he says. 'Faith, 'tis small +wondher ye don't know,' says I, 'f'r 'tis mesilf was weak on it a year +ago,' I says. 'Th' Ph'lippeens is an issue,' says I, 'an' islands,' says +I, 'an' a public nuisance,' I says. 'But,' I says, 'befure we go anny +further on this subject,' I says, 'd'ye know where Minnysota is, or +Westconsin, or Utah, or Californya, or Texas, or Neebrasky?' says I. 'I +do not,' says he. 'D'ye know that since ye'er death there has growed +up on th' shore iv Lake Mitchigan a city that wud make Rome look like a +whistlin' station--a city that has a popylation iv eight million people +till th' census rayport comes out?' I says. 'I niver heerd iv it,' he +says. 'D'ye know that I can cross th' ocean in six days, an' won't; that +if annything doesn't happen in Chiny I can larn about it in twinty-four +hours if I care to know; that if ye was in Wash'nton I cud call ye up +be tillyphone an ye'er wire'd be busy?' I says. 'I do not,' says Thomas +Jefferson. 'Thin,' says I, 'don't presume to advise me,' I says, 'that +knows these things an' manny more,' I says. 'An' whin ye go back where +ye come fr'm an' set down with th' rest iv th' sages to wondher whether +a man cud possibly go fr'm Richmond to Boston in a week, tell thim,' I +says, 'that in their day they r-run a corner grocery an' to-day,' says +I, 'we're op'ratin' a sixteen-story department store an' puttin' in +ivrything fr'm an electhric lightin' plant to a set iv false teeth,' I +says. An' I hist him on his horse an' ask a polisman to show him th' way +home.” + +“Be hivins, Hinnissy, I want me advice up-to-date, an' whin Mack an' +Willum Jennings tells me what George Wash'nton an' Thomas Jefferson +said, I says to thim: 'Gintlemen, they larned their thrade befure th' +days iv open plumbin',' I says. 'Tell us what is wanted ye'ersilf or +call in a journeyman who's wurrukin' card is dated this cinchry,' I +says. 'An' I'm r-right too, Hinnissy.'” + +“Well,” said Mr. Hennessy, slowly, “those ol' la-ads was level-headed.” + +“Thrue f'r ye,” said Mr. Dooley. “But undher th' new iliction laws ye +can't vote th' cimitries.” + + + + +_The_ NEGRO PROBLEM + + +“What's goin' to happen to th' naygur?” asked Mr. Hennessy. + +“Well,” said Mr. Dooley, “he'll ayther have to go to th' north an' be +a subjick race, or stay in th' south an' be an objick lesson. 'Tis a +har-rd time he'll have, annyhow. I'm not sure that I'd not as lave be +gently lynched in Mississippi as baten to death in New York. If I was +a black man, I'd choose th' cotton belt in prifrince to th' belt on th' +neck fr'm th' polisman's club. I wud so.” + +“I'm not so much throubled about th' naygur whin he lives among his +opprissors as I am whin he falls into th' hands iv his liberators. Whin +he's in th' south he can make up his mind to be lynched soon or late an' +give his attintion to his other pleasures iv composin' rag-time music +on a banjo, an' wurrukin' f'r th' man that used to own him an' now on'y +owes him his wages. But 'tis th' divvle's own hardship f'r a coon to +step out iv th' rooms iv th' S'ciety f'r th' Brotherhood iv Ma-an where +he's been r-readin' a pome on th' 'Future of th' Moke' an' be pursooed +be a mob iv abolitionists till he's dhriven to seek polis protection, +which, Hinnissy, is th' polite name f'r fracture iv th' skull. + +“I was f'r sthrikin' off th' shackles iv th' slave, me la-ad. 'Twas +thrue I didn't vote f'r it, bein' that I heerd Stephen A. Douglas say +'twas onconstitootional, an' in thim days I wud go to th' flure with +anny man f'r th' constitootion. I'm still with it, but not sthrong. It's +movin' too fast f'r me. But no matther. Annyhow I was f'r makin' +th' black man free, an' though I shtud be th' south as a spoortin' +proposition I was kind iv glad in me heart whin Gin'ral Ulyss S. Grant +bate Gin'ral Lee an' th' rest iv th' Union officers captured Jeff Davis. +I says to mesilf, 'Now,' I says, 'th' coon'll have a chanst f'r his +life,' says I, 'an' in due time we may injye him,' I says. + +“An' sure enough it looked good f'r awhile, an' th' time come whin th' +occas'nal dollar bill that wint acrost this bar on pay night wasn't good +money onless it had th' name iv th' naygur on it. In thim days they +was a young la-ad--a frind iv wan iv th' Donohue boys--that wint to th' +public school up beyant, an' he was as bright a la-ad as ye'd want to +see in a day's walk. Th' larnin' iv him wud sind Father Kelly back to +his grammar. He cud spell to make a hare iv th' hedge schoolmasther, +he was as quick at figures as th' iddycated pig they showed in th' +tint las' week in Haley's vacant lot, and in joggerphy, asthronomy, +algybbera, jommethry, chimisthry, physiojnomy, bassoophly an' fractions, +I was often har-rd put mesilf to puzzle him. I heerd him gradyooate an' +his composition was so fine very few cud make out what he meant. + +“I met him on th' sthreet wan day afther he got out iv school. 'What +ar-re ye goin' to do f'r ye'ersilf, Snowball,' says I--his name was +Andhrew Jackson George Wash'n'ton Americus Caslateras Beresford Vanilla +Hicks, but I called him 'Snowball,' him bein' as black as coal, d'ye +see--I says to him: 'What ar-re ye goin' to do f'r ye'ersilf?' I says. +'I'm goin' to enther th' profission iv law,' he says, 'where be me +acooman an' industhry I hope,' he says, 'f'r to rise to be a judge,' he +says, 'a congrissman,' he says, 'a sinator,' he says, 'an' p'rhaps,' he +says, 'a prisidint iv th' United States,' he says. 'Theyse nawthin to +prevint,' he says. 'Divvle a thing,' says I. 'Whin we made ye free,' +says I, 'we opened up all these opporchunities to ye,' says I. 'Go +on,' says I, 'an' enjye th' wealth an' position conferred on ye be th' +constitootion,' I says. 'On'y,' I says, 'don't be too free,' I says. +'Th' freedom iv th' likes iv ye is a good thing an' a little iv it goes +a long way,' I says, 'an' if I ever hear iv ye bein' prisidint iv th' +United States,' I says, 'I'll take me whitewashing' away fr'm ye'er +father, ye excelsior hair, poached-egg eyed, projiny iv tar,' I says, +f'r me Anglo-Saxon feelin' was sthrong in thim days. + +“Well, I used to hear iv him afther that defindin' coons in th' +polis coort, an' now an' thin bein' mintioned among th' scatthrin' in +raypublican county con-vintions, an' thin he dhropped out iv sight. +'Twas years befure I see him again. Wan day I was walkin' up th' levee +smokin' a good tin cint seegar whin a coon wearin' a suit iv clothes +that looked like a stained glass window in th' house iv a Dutch brewer +an' a pop bottle in th' fr-ront iv his shirt, steps up to me an' he +says: 'How dy'e do, Mistah Dooley,' says he. 'Don't ye know me--Mistah +Hicks?' he says. 'Snowball,' says I. 'Step inside this dureway,' says I, +'less Clancy, th' polisman on th' corner, takes me f'r an octoroon,' I +says. 'What ar-re ye do-in'?' says I. 'How did ye enjye th' prisidincy?' +says I. He laughed an' told me th' story iv his life. He wint to +practisin' law an' found his on'y clients was coons, an' they had no +assets but their vote at th' prim'ry. Besides a warrant f'r a moke was +the same as a letther iv inthroduction to th' warden iv th' pinitinchry. +Th' on'y thing left f'r th' lawyer to do was to move f'r a new thrile +an' afther he'd got two or three he thought ol' things was th' best +an' ye do well to lave bad enough alone. He got so sick iv chicken he +cudden't live on his fees an' he quit th' law an' wint into journalism. +He r-run 'Th' Colored Supplimint,' but it was a failure, th' taste iv +th' public lanin' more to quadhroon publications, an' no man that owned +a resthrant or theaytre or dhrygoods store'd put in an adver-tisemint +f'r fear th' subscribers'd see it an' come ar-round. Thin he attimpted +to go into pollytics, an' th' best he cud get was carryin' a bucket iv +wather f'r a Lincoln Club. He thried to larn a thrade an' found th' on'y +place a naygur can larn a thrade is in prison an' he can't wurruk at +that without committin' burglary. He started to take up subscriptions +f'r a sthrugglin' church an' found th' profission was overcrowded. +'Fin'ly,' says he, ''twas up to me to be a porther in a saloon or go +into th' on'y business,' he says, 'in which me race has a chanst,' he +says. 'What's that?' says I. 'Craps,' says he. 'I've opened a palachal +imporyium,' he says, 'where,' he says, ''twud please me very much,' he +says, 'me ol' abolitionist frind,' he says, 'if ye'd dhrop in some day,' +he says, 'an' I'll roll th' sweet, white bones f'r ye,' he says. ''Tis +th' hope iv me people,' he says. 'We have an even chanst at ivry other +pursoot,' he says, 'but 'tis on'y in craps we have a shade th' best iv +it,' he says.” + +“So there ye ar-re, Hinnissy. An' what's it goin' to come to, says ye? +Faith, I don't know an' th' naygurs don't know, an' be hivins, I think +if th' lady that wrote th' piece we used to see at th' Halsted Sthreet +Opry House come back to earth, she wudden't know. I used to be all broke +up about Uncle Tom, but cud I give him a job tindin' bar in this here +liquor store? I freed th' slave, Hinnissy, but, faith, I think' twas +like tur-rnin' him out iv a panthry into a cellar.” + +“Well, they got to take their chances,” said Mr. Hennessy. “Ye can't do +annything more f'r thim than make thim free.” + +“Ye can't,” said Mr. Dooley; “on'y whin ye tell thim they're free they +know we're on'y sthringin' thim.” + + + + +_The_ AMERICAN STAGE + + +“I've niver been much iv a hand f'r th' theaytre,” said Mr. Dooley. +“Whin I was a young man an' Crosby's Opry house was r-runnin' I used to +go down wanst in a while an' see Jawn Dillon throwin' things around f'r +th' amusemint iv th' popylace an' whin Shakespere was played I often +had a seat in th' gal'ry, not because I liked th' actin', d'ye mind, but +because I'd heerd me frind Hogan speak iv Shakespere. He was a good man, +that Shakespere, but his pieces is full iv th' ol' gags that I heerd +whin I was a boy. Th' throuble with me about goin' to plays is that +no matther where I set I cud see some hired man in his shirt sleeves +argyin' with wan iv his frinds about a dog fight while Romeo was makin' +th' kind iv love ye wuddent want ye'er daughter to hear to Juliet in th' +little bur-rd cage they calls a balcony. It must've been because I wanst +knowed a man be th' name iv Gallagher that was a scene painter that I +cud niver get mesilf to th' pint iv concedin' that th' mountains that +other people agreed was manny miles in th' distance was in no danger +iv bein' rubbed off th' map be th' coat-tails iv wan iv th' principal +char-ackters. An' I always had me watch out to time th' moon whin' twas +shoved acrost th' sky an' th' record breakin' iv day in th' robbers' +cave where th' robbers don't dare f'r to shtep on the rock f'r fear +they'll stave it in. If day iver broke on th' level th' way it does on +th' stage 'twud tear th' bastin' threads out iv what Hogan calls th' +firmymint. Hogan says I haven't got th' dhramatic delusion an' he must +be r-right f'r ye can't make me believe that twinty years has elapsed +whin I know that I've on'y had time to pass th' time iv day with th' +bartinder nex' dure. + +“Plays is upside down, Hinnissy, an' inside out. They begin with a full +statement iv what's goin' to happen an' how it's goin' to come out +an' thin ye're asked to forget what ye heerd an' be surprised be th' +outcome. I always feel like goin' to th' office an' gettin' me money or +me lithograph pass back afther th' first act. + +“Th' way to write a play is f'r to take a book an' write it over hindend +foremost. They're puttin' all books on th' stage nowadays. Fox's +'Book iv Martyrs' has been done into a three-act farce-comedy an'll be +projooced be Delia Fox, th' author, nex' summer. Webster's 'Onabridge +Ditchnry' will be brought out as a society dhrama with eight hundherd +thousan' char-ackters. Th' 'Constitution iv th' United States' (a farce) +be Willum McKinley is r-runnin' to packed houses with th' cillybrated +thradeejan Aggynaldoo as th' villain. In th' sixteenth scene iv th' last +act they'se a naygur lynchin'. James H. Wilson, th' author iv 'Silo an' +Ensilage, a story f'r boys,' is dhramatizin' his cillybrated wurruk an' +will follow it with a dhramatic version iv 'Sugar Beet Culture,' a farm +play. 'Th' Familiar Lies iv Li Hung Chang' is expicted to do well in th' +provinces an' Hostetter's Almanac has all dates filled, I undherstand +th' bible'll be r-ready f'r th' stage undher th'direction iv Einstein +an' Opperman befure th' first iv th' year. Some changes has been +niciss'ry f'r to adapt it to stage purposes, I see be th' pa-apers. Th' +authors has become convinced that Adam an' Eve must be carrid through +th' whole play, so they have considerably lessened th' time between th' +creation an' th' flood an' have made Adam an English nobleman with a +shady past an' th' Divvle a Fr-rinch count in love with Eve. They're +rescued be Noah, th' faithful boatman who has a comic naygur son.” + +“I see be th' pa-aper th' stage is goin' to th' dogs what with it's +Sappho's an' th' like iv that,” said Mr. Hennessy. + +“Well, it isn't what it used to be,” said Mr. Dooley, “in th' days whin +'twas th' purpose iv th' hero to save th' honest girl from the clutches +iv th' villin in time to go out with him an' have a shell iv beer at +th' Dutchman's downstairs. In th' plays nowadays th' hero is more iv a +villain thin th' villain himsilf. He's th' sort iv a man that we used +to heave pavin' shtones at whin he come out iv th' stage dure iv th' +Halsted Sthreet Opry House. To be a hero ye've first got to be an +Englishman, an' as if that wasn't bad enough ye've got to have committed +as many crimes as th' late H. H. Holmes. If he'd been born in England +he'd be a hero. Ye marry a woman who swears an' dhrinks an' bets on th' +races an' ye quarrel with her. Th' r-rest iv th' play is made up iv hard +cracks be all th' char-ack-ters at each others' morals. This is called +repartee be th' learned, an' Hogan. Repartee is where I say: 'Ye stole +a horse' an' ye say: 'But think iv ye'er wife!' In Ar-rchy r-road 'tis +called disordherly conduct. They'se another play on where a man r-runs +off with a woman that's no betther thin she ought to be. He bates her +an' she marries a burglar. Another wan is about a lady that ates dinner +with a German. He bites her an' she hits him with a cabbage. Thin +they'se a play about an English gintleman iv th' old school who thries +to make a girl write a letter f'r him an' if she don't he'll tell on +her. He doesn't tell an' so he's rewarded with th' love iv th' heroine, +an honest English girl out f'r th' money.” + +“Nobody's marrid in th' modhern play, Hinnissy, an' that's a good thing, +too, f'r annywan that got marrid wud have th' worst iv it. In th' ol' +times th' la-ads that announces what's goin' to happen in the first act, +always promised ye a happy marredge in th' end an' as ivrybody's lookin' +f'r a happy marredge, that held the aujeence. Now ye know that th' hero +with th' wretched past is goin' to elope with th' dhrunken lady an' th' +play is goin' to end with th' couples prettily divorced in th' centher +iv th' stage. 'Tis called real life an' mebbe that's what it is, but f'r +me I don't want to see real life on th' stage. I can see that anny day. +What I want is f'r th' spotless gintleman to saw th' la-ad with th' +cigareet into two-be-fours an' marry th' lady that doesn't dhrink much +while th' aujeence is puttin' on their coats.” + +“Why don't they play Shakespere any more?” Mr. Hennessy asked. + +“I undherstand,” said Mr. Dooley, “that they're goin' to dhramatize +Shakespere whin th' dhramatizer gets through with th' 'Report iv th' +Cinsus Department f'r 1899-1900.'” + + + + +TROUBLES OF A CANDIDATE + + +“I wisht th' campaign was over,” said Mr. Dooley. + +“I wisht it'd begin,” said Mr. Hennessy. “I niver knew annything so +dead. They ain't been so much as a black eye give or took in th' ward +an' its less thin two months to th' big day.” + +“'Twill liven up,” said Mr. Dooley, “I begin to see signs iv th' good +times comin' again. 'Twas on'y th' other day me frind Tiddy Rosenfelt +opened th' battle mildly be insinuatin' that all dimmycrats was liars, +horse thieves an' arnychists. 'Tis thrue he apologized f'r that be +explainin' that he didn't mean all dimmycrats but on'y those that +wudden't vote f'r Mack but I think he'll take th' copper off befure +manny weeks. A ladin' dimmycratic rayformer has suggested that Mack +though a good man f'r an idjiot is surrounded be th' vilest scoundhrels +iver seen in public life since th' days iv Joolyus Caesar. Th' Sicrety +iv th' Threeasury has declared, that Mr. Bryan in sayin' that silver is +not convartible be th' terms iv th' Slatthry bankin' law iv 1870, +an' th' sicond clause iv th' threaty iv Gansville, has committed th' +onpard'nable pollytical sin iv so consthructin' th' facts as to open +up th' possibility iv wan not knowin' th' thrue position iv affairs, +misundhersthandin' intirely. If he had him outside he'd call him a liar. +Th' raypublicans have proved that Willum Jennings Bryan is a thraitor +be th' letther written be Dr. Lem Stoggins, th' cillybrated antithought +agytator iv Spooten Duyvil to Aggynaldoo in which he calls upon him to +do nawthin' till he hears fr'm th' doc. Th' letther was sint through +th' postal authorities an' as they have established no post-office +in Aggynaldoo's hat they cudden't deliver it an' they opened it. Upon +r-readin' th' letther Horace Plog iv White Horse, Minnesota, has wrote +to Willum Jennings Bryan declarin' that if he (Plog) iver went to th' +Ph'lippeens, which he wud've done but f'r th' way th' oats was sproutin' +in th' stack, an' had been hit with a bullet he'd ixpict th' Coroner to +hold Bryan to th' gran' jury. This was followed be th' publication iv a +letther fr'm Oscar L. Swub iv East Persepalis, Ohio, declarin' that his +sister heerd a cousin iv th' man that wash'd buggies in a livery stable +in Canton say Mack's hired man tol' him Mack'd be hanged befure he'd +withdraw th' ar-rmy fr'm Cuba.” + +“Oh, I guess th' campaign is doin' as well as cud be ixpicted. I see be +th' raypublican pa-apers that Andhrew Carnegie has come out f'r Bryan +an' has conthributed wan half iv his income or five hundhred millyon +dollars to th' campaign fund. In th' dimmycratic pa-apers I r-read that +Chairman Jim Jones has inthercipted a letther fr'm the Prince iv Wales +to Mack congratulatin' him on his appintmint as gintleman-in-waitin' +to th' queen. A dillygation iv Mormons has started fr'm dimmycratic +headquarthers to thank Mack f'r his manly stand in favor iv poly-gamy +an' th' raypublican comity has undher con-sideration a letther fr'm long +term criminals advisin' their colleagues at large to vote f'r Willum +Jennings Bryan, th' frind iv crime.” + +“In a few short weeks, Hinnissy, 'twill not be safe f'r ayether iv +the candydates to come out on th' fr-ront porch till th' waitin' +dillygations has been searched be a polisman. 'Tis th' divvle's own +time th' la-ads that r-runs f'r th' prisidincy has since that ol' boy +Burchard broke loose again' James G. Blaine. Sinitor Jones calls wan iv +his thrusty hinchman to his side, an' says he: 'Mike, put on a pig-tail, +an' a blue shirt an' take a dillygation iv Chinnymen out to Canton an' +congratulate Mack on th' murdher iv mission'ries in China. An',' he +says, 'ye might stop off at Cincinnati on th' way over an' arrange f'r +a McKinley an' Rosenfelt club to ilict th' British Consul its prisidint +an' attack th' office iv th' German newspaper,' he says. Mark Hanna +rings f'r his sicrety an', says he: 'Have ye got off th' letther fr'm +George Fred Willums advisin' Aggynaldoo to pizen th' wells?' 'Yes +sir.' 'An' th' secret communication fr'm Bryan found on an arnychist at +Pattherson askin' him to blow up th' White House?' 'It's in th' hands +iv th' tyepwriter.' 'Thin call up an employmint agency an' have a +dillygation iv Jesuites dhrop in at Lincoln, with a message fr'm th' +pope proposin' to bur-rn all Protestant churches th' night befure +iliction.'” + +“I tell ye, Hinnissy, th' candydate is kept mov-in'. Whin he sees a +dilly-gation pikin' up th' lawn he must be r-ready. He makes a flyin' +leap f'r th' chairman, seizes him by th' throat an' says: 'I thank +ye f'r th' kind sintimints ye have conveyed. I am, indeed, as ye have +remarked, th' riprisintative iv th' party iv manhood, honor, courage, +liberality an' American thraditions. Take that back to Jimmy Jones an' +tell him to put it in his pipe an' smoke it.' With which he bounds into +th' house an' locks the dure while th' baffled conspirators goes down +to a costumer an' changes their disguise. If th' future prisidint hadn't +been quick on th' dhraw he'd been committed to a policy iv sthranglin' +all the girl babies at birth.” + +“No, 'tis no aisy job bein' a candydate, an' 'twud be no easy job if th' +game iv photygraphs was th' on'y wan th' candydates had to play. Willum +Jennings Bryan is photygraphed smilin' back at his smilin' corn fields, +in a pair iv blue overalls with a scythe in his hand borrid fr'm th' +company that's playin' 'Th' Ol' Homestead,' at th' Lincoln Gran' Opry +House. Th' nex' day Mack is seen mendin' a rustic chair with a monkey +wrinch, Bryan has a pitcher took in th' act iv puttin' on a shirt marked +with th' union label, an' they'se another photygraph iv Mack carryin' +a scuttle iv coal up th' cellar stairs. An' did ye iver notice how much +th' candydates looks alike, an' how much both iv thim looks like Lydia +Pinkham? Thim wondherful boardhin'-house smiles that our gifted +leaders wears, did ye iver see annythin' so entrancin'? Whin th' las' +photygrapher has packed his ar-ms homeward I can see th' gr-reat men +retirin' to their rooms an' lettin' their faces down f'r a few minyits +befure puttin' thim up again in curl-pa-apers f'r th' nex' day display. +Glory be, what a relief 'twill be f'r wan iv thim to raysume permanently +th' savage or fam'ly breakfast face th' mornin' afther iliction! What a +raylief 'twill be to no f'r sure that th' man at th' dure bell is on'y +th' gas collector an' isn't loaded with a speech iv thanks in behalf iv +th' Spanish Gover'mint! What a relief to snarl at wife an' frinds wanst +more, to smoke a seegar with th' thrust magnate that owns th' +cider facthry near th' station, to take ye'er nap in th' afthernoon +undisthurbed be th' chirp iv th' snap-shot! 'Tis th' day afther iliction +I'd like f'r to be a candydate, Hinnissy, no matther how it wint.” + +“An' what's become iv th' vice-prisidintial candydates?” Mr. Hennessy +asked. + +“Well,” said Mr. Dooley, “Th' las' I heerd iv Adly, I didn't hear +annythin', an' th' las' I heerd iv Tiddy he'd made application to th' +naytional comity f'r th' use iv Mack as a soundin' board.” + + + + +A BACHELOR'S LIFE + + +“It's always been a wondher to me,” said Mr. Hennessy, “ye niver +marrid.” + +“It's been a wondher to manny,” Mr. Dooley replied haughtily. “Maybe if +I'd been as aisy pleased as most--an' this is not sayin' annything again +you an' ye'ers, Hinnisy, f'r ye got much th' best iv it--I might be th' +father iv happy childher an' have money in th' bank awaitin' th' day +whin th' intherest on th' morgedge fell due. 'Tis not f'r lack iv +opportunities I'm here alone, I tell ye that me bucko, f'r th' time was +whin th' sound iv me feet'd brings more heads to th' windies iv Ar-rchey +r-road thin'd bob up to see ye'er fun'ral go by. An' that's manny a +wan.” + +“Ah, well,” said Mr. Hennessy, “I was but jokin' ye.” His tone mollified +his friend, who went on: “To tell ye th' truth, Hinnissy, th' raison I +niver got marrid was I niver cud pick a choice. I've th' makin' iv an +ixcillint ol' Turk in me, to be sure, f'r I look on all the sect as +iligeable f'r me hand an' I'm on'y resthrained fr'm r-rentin' Lincoln +Park f'r a home an' askin' thim all to clave on'y to me, be me nachral +modesty an' th' laws iv th' State iv Illinye. 'Twas always so with me +an' I think it is so with most men that dies bachelors. Be r-readin' +th' pa-apers ye'd think a bachelor was a man bor-rn with a depraved +an' parvarse hathred iv wan iv our most cherished institootions, an' +anti-expansionist d'ye mind. But'tis no such thing. A bachelor's a man +that wud extind his benificint rule over all th' female wurruld, fr'm +th' snow-capped girls iv Alaska to th' sunny eileens iv th' Passyfic. +A marrid man's a person with a limited affection--a protictionist +an' anti-expansionist, a mugwump, be hivins. 'Tis th' bachelor that's +keepin' alive th' rivrince f'r th' sect. + +“Whin I was a young man, ye cud search fr'm wan end iv th' town to th' +other f'r me akel with th' ladies. Ye niver see me in them days, but +'twas me had a rogue's eye an' a leg far beyant th' common r-run iv +props. I cud dance with th' best iv thim, me voice was that sthrong +'twas impossible to hear annywan else whin I sung 'Th' Pretty Maid +Milkin' th' Cow,' an' I was dhressed to kill on Sundahs. 'Twas thin +I bought th' hat ye see me wear at th' picnic. 'Twas 'Good mornin', +Misther Dooley, an' will ye come in an' have a cup iv tay,' an' 'How +d'ye do Misther Dooley, I didn't see ye at mass this mornin',' an' +'Martin, me boy, dhrop in an' take a hand at forty-fives. Th' young +ladies has been ask in' me ar-re ye dead.' I was th' pop'lar idol, ye +might say, an' manny's th' black look I got over th' shouldher at picnic +an' wake. But I minded thim little. If a bull again me come fr'm th' +pope himsilf in thim days whin me heart was high, I'd tuck it in me +pocket an' say: 'I'll r-read it whin I get time.'” + +“Well, I'd take one iv th' girls out in me horse an' buggy iv a Sundah +an' I'd think she was th' finest in th' wurruld an' I'd be sayin' all +kinds iv jokin' things to her about marredge licenses bein' marked down +on account iv th' poor demand an' how th' parish priest was thinkin' iv +bein' thransferred to a parish where th' folks was more kindly disposed +to each other an' th' likes iv that, whin out iv th' corner iv me eye +I'd see another girl go by, an' bless me if I cud keep th' lid iv me +r-right eye still or hold me tongue fr'm such unfortchnit remark as: +'That there Molly Heaney's th' fine girl, th' fine, sthrappin' girl, +don't ye think so?' Well, ye know, afther that I might as well be +dhrivin' an ice wagon as a pleasure rig; more thin wanst I near lost th' +tip iv me nose in th' jamb iv th' dure thryin' to give an affictshionate +farewell. An' so it wint on, till I got th' repytation iv a flirt an' a +philandhrer f'r no raison at all, d'ye mind, but me widespread fondness. +I like thim all, dark an' light, large an' small, young an' old, marrid +an' single, widdied an' divorced, an' so I niver marrid annywan. But +ye'll find me photygraft in some albums an' me bills in more thin wan +livery stable.” + +“I think marrid men gets on th' best f'r they have a home an' fam'ly to +lave in th' mornin' an' a home an' fam'ly to go back to at night; that +makes thim wurruk. Some men's domestic throubles dhrives thim to dhrink, +others to labor. Ye r-read about a man becomin' a millyonaire an' ye +think he done it be his own exertions whin 'tis much again little 'twas +th' fear iv comin' home impty handed an' dislike iv stayin' ar-round th' +house all day that made him rich. Misther Standard Ile takes in millyons +in a year but he might be playin' dominoes in an injine house if it +wasn't f'r Mrs. Standard Ile. 'Tis th' thought iv that dear quiet lady +at home, in her white cap with her ca'm motherly face, waitin' patiently +f'r him with a bell-punch that injooces him to put a shtick iv dinnymite +in somebody else's ile well an' bury his securities whin th' assissor +comes ar-round. Near ivry man's property ought to be in wife's name an' +most iv it is. + +“But with a bachelor 'tis diff'rent. Ye an' I ar-re settin' here +together an' Clancy dhrops in. Clancy's wife's away an' he's out f'r a +good time an' he comes to me f'r it. A bachelor's f'r th' enjymint of +his marrid frinds' vacations. Whin Clancy's wife's at home an' I go to +see him he r-runs th' pail out in a valise, an' we take our criminal +dhrink in th' woodshed. Well, th' three iv us sits here an' pass th' +dhrink an' sing our songs iv glee till about ilivin o'clock; thin ye +begin to look over ye'er shouldher ivry time ye hear a woman's voice an' +fin'lly ye get up an' yawn an' dhrink ivrything on th' table an' gallop +home. Clancy an' I raysume our argymint on th' Chinese sityation an' +afterwards we carol together me singin' th' chune an' him doin' a razor +edge tinor. Thin he tells me how much he cares f'r me an' proposes to +rassle me an' weeps to think how bad he threats his wife an' begs me +niver to marry, f'r a bachelor's life's th' on'y wan, an' 'tis past +two o'clock whin I hook him on a frindly polisman an' sind him +thrippin'--th' polisman--down th' sthreet. All r-right so far. But in +th' mornin' another story. If Clancy gets home an' finds his wife's +rayturned fr'm th' seaside or th' stock yards, or whereiver'tis she's +spint her vacation, they'se no r-rest f'r him in th' mornin'. His head +may sound in his ears like a automobill an' th' look iv an egg may make +his knees thremble, but he's got to be off to th' blacksmith shop, +an' hiven help his helper that mornin'. So Clancy's gettin' r-rich an' +puttin' a coopoly on his house.” + +“But with me 'tis diff'rent. Whin Phibbius Apollo as Hogan calls th' +sun, raises his head above th' gas house, I'm cuddled up in me couch +an' Morpus, gawd iv sleep, has a sthrangle holt on me. Th' alarm clock +begins to go off an' I've just sthrength enough to raise up an' fire +it through th' window. Two hours aftherward I have a gleam iv human +intillygince an' hook me watch out fr'm undher th' pillow. 'It's eight +o'clock,' says I. 'But is it eight in th' mornin' or eight in th' +evenin'?' says I. 'Faith, I dinnaw, an' divvle a bit care I. Eight's +on'y a number,' says I. 'It riprisints nawthin',' says I.” + +“They'se hours enough in th' day f'r a free man. I'll turr-n over an' +sleep till eight-wan and thin I'll wake up refrished,' I says. 'Tis +ilivin o'clock whin me tired lids part f'r good an' Casey has been here +to pay me eight dollars an' findin' me not up has gone away f'r another +year.” + +“A marrid man gets th' money, Hinnissy, but a bachelor man gets +th' sleep. Whin all me marrid frinds is off to wurruk pound in' th' +ongrateful sand an' wheelin' th' rebellyous slag, in th' heat iv th' +afthernoon, ye can see ye'er onfortchnit bachelor frind perambulatin' up +an' down th' shady side iv th' sthreet, with an umbrelly over his head +an' a wurrud iv cheer fr'm young an' old to enliven his loneliness.” + +“But th' childher?” asked Mr. Hennessy slyly. + +“Childher!” said Mr. Dooley. “Sure I have th' finest fam'ly in th' city. +Without scandal I'm th' father iv ivry child in Ar-rchey r-road fr'm end +to end.” + +“An' none iv ye'er own,” said Mr. Hennessy. + +“I wish to hell, Hinnissy,” said Mr. Dooley savagely, “ye'd not lean +against that mirror, I don't want to have to tell ye again.” + + + + +THE EDUCATION OF THE YOUNG + + +The troubled Mr. Hennessy had been telling Mr. Dooley about the +difficulty of making a choice of schools for Packy Hennessy, who at the +age of six was at the point where the family must decide his career. + +“'Tis a big question,” said Mr. Dooley, “an' wan that seems to be +worryin' th' people more thin it used to whin ivry boy was designed +f'r th' priesthood, with a full undherstandin' be his parents that +th' chances was in favor iv a brick yard. Nowadays they talk about th' +edycation iv th' child befure they choose th' name. 'Tis: 'Th' kid talks +in his sleep. 'Tis th' fine lawyer he'll make.' Or, 'Did ye notice him +admirin' that photygraph? He'll be a gr-reat journalist.' Or, 'Look +at him fishin' in Uncle Tim's watch pocket. We must thrain him f'r a +banker.' Or, 'I'm afraid he'll niver be sthrong enough to wurruk. He +must go into th' church.' Befure he's baptized too, d'ye mind. 'Twill +not be long befure th' time comes whin th' soggarth'll christen th' +infant: 'Judge Pathrick Aloysius Hinnissy, iv th' Northern District iv +Illinye,' or 'Profissor P. Aloysius Hinnissy, LL.D., S.T.D., P.G.N., +iv th' faculty iv Nothre Dame.' Th' innocent child in his cradle, +wondherin' what ails th' mist iv him an' where he got such funny lookin' +parents fr'm, has thim to blame that brought him into th' wurruld if he +dayvilops into a sicond story man befure he's twinty-wan an' is took up +be th' polis. Why don't you lade Packy down to th' occylist an' have him +fitted with a pair iv eyeglasses? Why don't ye put goloshes on him, give +him a blue umbrelly an' call him a doctor at wanst an' be done with it?” + +“To my mind, Hinnissy, we're wastin' too much time thinkin' iv th' +future iv our young, an' thryin' to larn thim early what they oughtn't +to know till they've growed up. We sind th' childher to school as +if 'twas a summer garden where they go to be amused instead iv a +pinitinchry where they're sint f'r th' original sin. Whin I was a la-ad +I was put at me ah-bee abs, th' first day I set fut in th' school behind +th' hedge an' me head was sore inside an' out befure I wint home. Now +th' first thing we larn th' future Mark Hannas an' Jawn D. Gateses iv +our naytion is waltzin', singin', an' cuttin' pitchers out iv a book. +We'd be much betther teachin' thim th' sthrangle hold, f'r that's what +they need in life.” + +“I know what'll happen. Ye'll sind Packy to what th' Germans call a +Kindygartin, an' 'tis a good thing f'r Germany, because all a German +knows is what some wan tells him, an' his grajation papers is +a certy-ficate that he don't need to think anny more. But we've +inthrajooced it into this counthry, an' whin I was down seein' if I cud +injooce Rafferry, th' Janitor iv th' Isaac Muggs Grammar School, f'r +to vote f'r Riordan--an' he's goin' to--I dhropped in on Cassidy's +daughter, Mary Ellen, an' see her kindygartnin'. Th' childher was +settin' ar-round on th' flure an' some was moldin' dachshunds out iv mud +an' wipin' their hands on their hair, an' some was carvin' figures iv a +goat out iv paste-board an' some was singin' an' some was sleepin' an' +a few was dancin' an' wan la-ad was pullin' another la-ad's hair. 'Why +don't ye take th' coal shovel to that little barbaryan, Mary Ellen?' +says I. 'We don't believe in corporeal punishment,' says she. 'School +shud be made pleasant f'r th' childher,' she says. 'Th' child who's hair +is bein' pulled is larnin' patience,' she says, 'an' th' child that's +pullin' th' hair is discovrin' th' footility iv human indeavor,' says +she. 'Well, oh, well,' says I, 'times has changed since I was a boy,' +I says. 'Put thim through their exercises,' says I. 'Tommy,' says I, +'spell cat,' I says. 'Go to th' divvle,' says th' cheerub. 'Very smartly +answered,' says Mary Ellen. 'Ye shud not ask thim to spell,' she says. +'They don't larn that till they get to colledge,' she says, 'an'' she +says, 'sometimes not even thin,' she says. 'An' what do they larn?' says +I. 'Rompin',' she says, 'an' dancin',' she says, 'an' indepindance +iv speech, an' beauty songs, an' sweet thoughts, an' how to make home +home-like,' she says. 'Well,' says I, 'I didn't take anny iv thim things +at colledge, so ye needn't unblanket thim,' I says. 'I won't put thim +through anny exercise today,' I says. 'But whisper, Mary Ellen,' says +I, 'Don't ye niver feel like bastin' th' seeraphims?' 'Th' teachin's iv +Freebull and Pitzotly is conthrary to that,' she says. 'But I'm goin' +to be marrid an' lave th' school on Choosdah, th' twinty-sicond iv +Janooary,' she says, 'an' on Mondah, th' twinty-first, I'm goin' to ask +a few iv th' little darlin's to th' house an',' she says, 'stew thim +over a slow fire,' she says. Mary Ellen is not a German, Hinnissy.” + +“Well, afther they have larned in school what they ar-re licked +f'r larnin' in th' back yard--that is squashin' mud with their +hands--they're conducted up through a channel iv free an' beautiful +thought till they're r-ready f'r colledge. Mamma packs a few doylies an' +tidies into son's bag, an' some silver to be used in case iv throuble +with th' landlord, an' th' la-ad throts off to th' siminary. If he's not +sthrong enough to look f'r high honors as a middle weight pugilist he +goes into th' thought departmint. Th' prisidint takes him into a Turkish +room, gives him a cigareet an' says: 'Me dear boy, what special +branch iv larnin' wud ye like to have studied f'r ye be our compitint +profissors? We have a chair iv Beauty an' wan iv Puns an' wan iv Pothry +on th' Changin' Hues iv the Settin' Sun, an' wan on Platonic Love, an' +wan on Nonsense Rhymes, an' wan on Sweet Thoughts, an' wan on How Green +Grows th' Grass, an' wan on' th' Relation iv Ice to th' Greek Idee iv +God,' he says. 'This is all ye'll need to equip ye f'r th' perfect life, +onless,' he says, 'ye intind bein' a dintist, in which case,' he says, +'we won't think much iv ye, but we have a good school where ye can larn +that disgraceful thrade,' he says. An' th' la-ad makes his choice, an' +ivry mornin' whin he's up in time he takes a whiff iv hasheesh an' goes +off to hear Profissor Maryanna tell him that 'if th' dates iv human +knowledge must be rejicted as subjictive, how much more must they be +subjicted as rejictive if, as I think, we keep our thoughts fixed upon +th' inanity iv th' finite in comparison with th' onthinkable truth with +th' ondivided an' onimaginable reality. Boys ar-re ye with me?'” + +“That's at wan colledge-Th' Colledge iv Speechless Thought. Thin there's +th' Colledge iv Thoughtless Speech, where th' la-ad is larned that th' +best thing that can happen to annywan is to be prisident iv a railroad +consolidation. Th' head iv this colledge believes in thrainin' young men +f'r th' civic ideel, Father Kelly tells me. Th' on'y thrainin' I know +f'r th' civic ideel is to have an alarm clock in ye'er room on iliction +day. He believes 'young men shud be equipped with Courage, Discipline, +an' Loftiness iv Purpose;' so I suppose Packy, if he wint there, wud +listen to lectures fr'm th' Profissor iv Courage an' Erasmus H. Noddle, +Doctor iv Loftiness iv Purpose. I loft, ye loft, he lofts. I've always +felt we needed some wan to teach our young th' Courage they can't get +walkin' home in th' dark, an' th' loftiness iv purpose that doesn't +start with bein' hungry an' lookin' f'r wurruk. An' in th' colledge +where these studies are taught, its undhershtud that even betther thin +gettin' th' civic ideel is bein' head iv a thrust. Th' on'y trouble +with th' coorse is that whin Packy comes out loaded with loftiness iv +purpose, all th' lofts is full iv men that had to figure it out on th' +farm.” + +“I don't undherstand a wurrud iv what ye're sayin',” said Mr. Hennesy. + +“No more do I,” said Mr. Dooley. “But I believe 'tis as Father Kelly +says: 'Childher shudden't be sint to school to larn, but to larn how +to larn. I don't care what ye larn thim so long as 'tis onpleasant to +thim.' 'Tis thrainin' they need, Hinnissy. That's all. I niver cud make +use iv what I larned in colledge about thrigojoomethry an'--an'--grammar +an' th' welts I got on th' skull fr'm the schoolmasther's cane I have +nivver been able to turn to anny account in th' business, but 'twas th' +bein' there and havin' to get things to heart without askin' th' meanin' +iv thim an' goin' to school cold an' comin' home hungry, that made th' +man iv me ye see befure ye.” + +“That's why th' good woman's throubled about Packy,” said Hennessy. + +“Go home,” said Mr. Dooley. + + + + +“L'AIGLON” + + +“Hogan's been tellin' me iv a new play he r-read th' other day,” said +Mr. Dooley. “'Tis be th' same la-ad that wrote th' piece they played +down in th' Christyan Brothers' school last year about the man with th' +big nose, that wud dhraw a soord or a pome on e'er a man alive. This +wan is called 'The Little Eagle,' an' 'tis about th' son iv Napolyon th' +Impror iv th' Fr-rinch, th' first wan, not th' wan I had th' fight about +in Schwartzmeister's in eighteen hundhred an' siventy. Bad cess to that +man, he was no good. I often wondher why I shtud up f'r him whin he +had hardly wan frind in th' counthry. But I did, an' ye might say I'm a +vethran iv th' Napolyonic Wars. I am so. + +“But th' first Napolyon was a diff'rent man, an' whin he died he left a +son that th' coorts tur-rned over to th' custody iv his mother, th' ol' +man bein' on th' island--th' same place where Gin'ral Crownjoy is +now. Tis about this la-ad th' play's written. He don't look to be +much account havin' a hackin' cough all through the piece, but down +undherneath he wants to be impror iv th' Fr-rinch like his father befure +him, d'ye mind, on'y he don't dare to go out f'r it f'r fear iv catchin' +a bad cold on his chist. Th' Austhreeches that has charge iv him don't +like th' idee iv havin' him know what kind iv man his father was. Whin +he asks: 'Where's pah?' They say: 'He died in jail.' 'What happened in +1805?' says th' boy. 'In 1805,' says th' Austhreeches, 'th' bar-rn blew +down.' 'In 1806?' says th' boy. 'In 1806 th' chimney smoked.' 'Not so,' +says th' prince. 'In 1806 me father crossed th' Rhine an' up,' he says, +'th' ar-rmed camps he marched to Augaspiel, to Lieberneck, to Donnervet. +He changed his boots at Mikelstraus an' down th' eagle swooped on +Marcobrun,' he says. 'Me gran'dad fled as flees th' hen befure th' hawk, +but dad stayed not till gran'pa, treed, besought f'r peace. That's +what me father done unto me gran'dad in eighteen six.' At this p'int he +coughs but ye sees he knew what was goin' on, bein' taught in secret be +a lady iv th' stage fr'm whom manny a la-ad cud larn th' truth about his +father. + +“Still he can't be persuaded f'r to apply f'r th' vacant improrship on +account iv his lungs, till wan day a tailor shows up to measure him f'r +some clothes. Th' tailor d'ye mind is a rivolutionist in disguise, +an' has come down fr'm Paris f'r to injooce th' young man to take th' +vacancy. 'Fourteen, six, thirty-three. How'll ye have th' pants made, +Impror?' says th' tailor. 'Wan or two hip pockets?' says he. + +“'Two hips,' says young Napolyon. 'What do ye mean be that?'” he says. + +“'Thirty-eight, siventeen, two sides, wan watch, buckle behind. All +Paris awaits ye, sire.'” + +“'Make th' sleeves a little longer thin this,' says th' boy. 'An' fill +out th' shouldhers. What proof have I?'” + +“'Wan or two inside pockets?' says th' tailor. 'Two insides. Hankerchief +pocket? Wan hankerchief. Th' pants is warn much fuller this year. Make +that twinty-eight instid iv twinty-siven,' he says. 'Paris shrieks f'r +ye,' he says. + +“'Proof,' says th' la-ad. + +“'They've named a perfume afther ye, a shirt waist, a paper collar, +a five cint seegar, a lot iv childer. Nay more, a breakfast dish +christened f'r ye is on ivry lip. Will I forward th' soot collect?' he +says. + +“'No, sind th' bill to me mother,' says th' boy. 'An' meet me in th' +park at tin,' he says. + +“So 'tis planned to seize th' throne, but it comes to nawthin'.” + +“Why's that?” asked Mr. Hennessy. + +“F'r th' same reason that the Irish rivolution failed, th' polis +stopped it. Th' con-spirators met in th' park an' were nailed be a park +polisman. They didn't run in th' boy, but left him alone in th' place +which was where his father wanst fought a battle. As he shtands there +coughin' he begins to hear voices iv soops that followed th' ol' Impror. +'Comrade' says wan. 'Give me ye'er hand.' 'I can't,' says another. 'I +haven't wan left.' 'Where's me leg?' 'Sarch me.' 'I've lost me voice.' +'Me mind is shot away.' 'Reach me some wather.' 'Pass th' can.' 'A horse +is settin' on me chest.' 'What's that? They'se a batthry iv artillery on +me.' 'I've broke something. What is it?' 'I cannot move me leg.' 'Curses +on the Cavalry.' 'Have ye got th' time?' 'Oh me knee, how it aches me.' +'Ha ha. Ha ha. Ha ha. Ha ha.' 'Veev, th' Impror.' 'Right about face, +shouldher ar-rms, right shouldher shift arms. March.' A harsh, +metallic voice in the distance: 'Gin-rals, leftnant Gin'rals, officers, +sooz-officers, an' men--.' 'Tis th' boy's father. Th' boy pulls out his +soord an' says he: 'Come on, let's fight. Play away there band. Blow +fife and banners wave. Lave me at thim. Come on, come on!' an' he rushes +out an' makes a stab at an Austhreech regimint that's come up to be +dhrilled. Thin he undherstands 'twas all a dhream with him an' he +raysumes his ol' job. In th' next act he dies.” + +“That's a good act,” said Mr. Hennessy. + +“'Tis fine. In Austhree where this happened whin a man dies ivrybody +comes in to see him. Ye meet a frind on th' sthreet an' he says: 'Come +on over an see Harrigan jump off.' So whin th' la-ad is r-ready f'r to +go out ivry body gathers in his room. 'Tis a fash'nable ivint, like th' +Horse Show. Among those prisint is his mother. She's a frivolous ol' +loon, this Marie Louisa, that was Napolyon's sicond wife, though between +you an' me, Father Kelly has niver reconized her as such, th' Impror +havin' a wife livin' that was as tough as they make thim. But annyhow +she was there. She hadn't done much f'r her son, but she come to see +him off with siv'ral ladies that loved him an' others. Bein' a busy an' +fashn'able woman she cudden't raymimber his name. At times she called +him 'Frank' an' thin 'Fronzwah' an' 'Fritz' an' 'Ferdynand'--'twas +a name beginnin' with 'f' she knew that--but he f'rgive her an' ast +somewan to r-read to him. 'What shall it be?' says a gin'ral. 'R-read +about th' time I was christened,' says th' boy. An' th' gin'ral r-reads: +'At iliven o'clock at th' church iv Nothre Dame in th' prisince iv +th' followin' princes--,' 'Cut out th' princes,' says th' la-ad. 'An' +kings--' 'F'rget th' kings,' says th' lad. 'Th' son iv th' Impror--' +'He's dead,' says th' doctor. 'Put on his white soot,' says th' Main +Thing among th' Austhreeches that was again him fr'm th' beginnin'. An' +there ye ar-re.” + +“Is that all?” asked Mr. Hennessy. + +“That's all,” said Mr. Dooley. + +“He died?” + +“He did.” + +“But he was sthrong r-right up to th' end.” + +“He was that. None sthronger.” + +“An' what?” asked Mr. Hennessy, “did they do with th' soot iv clothes he +ordhered fr'm th' tailor?” + + + + +CASUAL OBSERVATIONS + + +To most people a savage nation is wan that doesn't wear oncomf'rtable +clothes. + + * * * * * + +Manny people'd rather be kilt at Newport thin at Bunker Hill. + + * * * * * + +If ye live enough befure thirty ye won't care to live at all afther +fifty. + + * * * * * + +As Shakespere says, be thrue to ye'ersilf an' ye will not thin be false +to ivry man. + + * * * * * + +Play actors, orators an' women ar-re a class be thimsilves. + + * * * * * + +Among men, Hinnissy, wet eye manes dhry heart. + + * * * * * + +Th' nearest anny man comes to a con-ciption iv his own death is lyin' +back in a comfortable coffin with his ears cocked f'r th' flatthrin' +remarks iv th' mourners. + + * * * * * + +A fanatic is a man that does what he thinks th' Lord wud do if He knew +th' facts iv th' case. + + * * * * * + +A millionyaire--or man out iv debt--wanst tol' me his dhreams always +took place in th' farm-house where he was bor-rn. He said th' dhreamin' +iv his life was th' on'y part that seemed real. + + * * * * * + +'Tis no job to find out who wrote an anonymous letter. Jus' look out iv +th' window whin ye get it. 'Tis harder to do evil thin good be stealth. + + * * * * * + +A German's idee iv Hivin is painted blue an' has cast-iron dogs on th' +lawn. + + * * * * * + +No man was iver so low as to have rayspict f'r his brother-in-law. + + * * * * * + +Th' modhren idee iv governmint is 'Snub th' people, buy th' people, jaw +th' people.' + + * * * * * + +I wisht I was a German an' believed in machinery. + + * * * * * + +A vote on th' tallysheet is worth two in the box. + + * * * * * + +I care not who makes th' laws iv a nation if I can get out an +injunction. + + * * * * * + +An Englishman appears resarved because he can't talk. + + * * * * * + +What China needs is a Chinese exclusion act. + + * * * * * + +All th' wurruld loves a lover--excipt sometimes th' wan that's all th' +wurruld to him. + + * * * * * + +A nation with colonies is kept busy. Look at England! She's like wan iv +th' Swiss bell-ringers. + + * * * * * + +Th' paramount issue f'r our side is th' wan th' other side doesn't like +to have mintioned. + + * * * * * + +If ye put a beggar on horseback ye'll walk ye'ersilf. + + * * * * * + +It takes a sthrong man to be mean. A mean man is wan that has th' +courage not to be gin'rous. Whin I give a tip 'tis not because I want to +but because I'm afraid iv what th' waiter'll think. Russell Sage is wan +iv Nature's noblemen. + + * * * * * + +An autocrat's a ruler that does what th' people wants an' takes th' +blame f'r it. A constitootional ixicutive, Hinnissy, is a ruler that +does as he dam pleases an' blames th' people. + + * * * * * + +'Tis as hard f'r a rich man to enther th' kingdom iv Hiven as it is f'r +a poor man to get out iv Purgatory. + + * * * * * + +Evil communications corrupt good Ph'lippeens. + + * * * * * + +Ivry man has his superstitions. If I look at a new moon over me shoulder +I get a crick in me neck. + + * * * * * + +Thrust ivrybody--but cut th' ca-ards. + + * * * * * + +If Rooshia wud shave we'd not be afraid iv her. + + * * * * * + +Some day th' Ph'lippeens 'll be known as th' Standard Isles iv th' +Passyfic. + + * * * * * + +A woman's sinse iv humor is in her husband's name. + + * * * * * + +Most women ought niver to look back if they want a following. + + * * * * * + +If ye dhrink befure siven ye'll cry befure iliven. + + * * * * * + +A man that'd expict to thrain lobsters to fly in a year is called a +loonytic; but a man that thinks men can be tur-rned into angels be an +iliction is called a rayformer an' remains at large. + + * * * * * + +Th' throuble with most iv us, Hinnissy, is we swallow pollytical idees +befure they're ripe an' they don't agree with us. + + * * * * * + +Dhressmakers' bills sinds women into lithrachoor an' men into an early +decline. + + * * * * * + +A bur-rd undher a bonnet is worth two on th' crown. + + * * * * * + +People tell me to be frank, but how can I be whin I don't dare to know +mesilf? + + * * * * * + +People that talk loud an' offind ye with their insolence are usu'lly shy +men thryin' to get over their shyness. 'Tis th' quite, resarved, ca'm +spoken man that's mashed on himsilf. + + * * * * * + +If men cud on'y enjye th' wealth an' position th' newspapers give thim +whin they're undher arrest! Don't anny but prominent clubman iver elope +or embezzle? + + * * * * * + +Miditation is a gift con-fined to unknown philosophers an' cows. Others +don't begin to think till they begin to talk or write. + + * * * * * + +A good manny people r-read th' ol' sayin' “Larceny is th' sincerest form +iv flatthry.” + + * * * * * + +Tis a good thing th' fun'ral sermons ar-re not composed in th' +confissional. + + * * * * * + +Most vigitaryans I iver see looked enough like their food to be classed +as cannybals. + + * * * * * + +I don't see why anny man who believes in medicine wud shy at th' faith +cure. + + * * * * * + +Miracles are laughed at be a nation that r-reads thirty millyon +newspapers a day an' supports Wall sthreet. + + * * * * * + +All men are br-rave in comp'ny an' cow'rds alone, but some shows it +clearer thin others. + + * * * * * + +I'd like to tell me frind Tiddy that they'se a strenuse life an' a +sthrenuseless life. + + * * * * * + +I'd like to've been ar-round in th' times th' historical novelists +writes about--but I wudden't like to be in th' life insurance business. + + * * * * * + +I wondher why porthrait painters look down on phrenologists. + + * * * * * + +Di-plomacy is a continyual game iv duck on th' rock--with France th' +duck. + + * * * * * + +Whin we think we're makin' a gr-reat hit with th' wurruld we don't know +what our own wives thinks iv us. + + + + + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's Mr. Dooley's Philosophy, by Finley Peter Dunne + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MR. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Mr. Dooley's Philosophy + +Author: Finley Peter Dunne + + +Release Date: April, 2005 [EBook #7976] +This file was first posted on June 8, 2003 +Last Updated: May 29, 2013 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MR. DOOLEY'S PHILOSOPHY *** + + + + +Produced by Juliet Sutherland, Marvin A. Hodges, Charles +Franks, and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + + + + + + +MR. DOOLEY'S PHILOSOPHY + +By Finley Peter Dunne + + +_Illustrated by_ F. OPPER. + + + +{Illustration: POOR PEOPLE 'LL HAVE SIMPLE MEALS.} + + + +_To the Hennessys of the world who suffer and are silent_ + + + + +PREFACE + + +The reporter of these monologues would apologize for the frequent +reappearances of Mr. Dooley, if he felt the old gentleman would +appreciate an apology in his behalf. But Mr. Dooley has none of the +modesty that has been described as "an invention for protection against +envy," because unlike that one of his distinguished predecessors who +discovered this theory to excuse his own imperfect but boastful egotism, +he recognizes no such human failing as envy. Most of the papers in the +present collection of the sayings of this great and learned man have +appeared in the press of America and England. This will account for the +fact that they deal with subjects that have pressed hard upon the minds +of newspaper readers, statesmen, and tax-payers during the year. +To these utterances have been added a number of obiter dicta by the +philosopher, which, perhaps, will be found to have the reminiscent +flavor that appertains to the observations of all learned judges when +they are off the bench. + +In some cases the sketches have been remodeled and care has been taken +to correct typographical blunders, except where they seemed to improve +the text. In this connection the writer must offer his profound +gratitude to the industrious typographer, who often makes two jokes grow +where only one grew before, and has added generously to the distress of +amateur elocutionists. + +F. P. D. + + + + + +CONTENTS + + +A BOOK REVIEW AMERICANS ABROAD SERVANT GIRL PROBLEM THE TRANSVAAL +WAR AND WAR MAKERS UNDERESTIMATING THE ENEMY THE WAR EXPERT MODERN +EXPLOSIVES THE BOER MISSION THE CHINESE SITUATION MINISTER WU THE FUTURE +OF CHINA PLATFORM MAKING THE YACHT RACES POLYGAMY PUBLIC FICKLENESS +KENTUCKY POLITICS YOUNG ORATORY PUBLIC GRATITUDE MARRIAGE AND POLITICS +ALCOHOL AS FOOD HIGH FINANCE THE PARIS EXPOSITION CHRISTIAN JOURNALISM +THE ADMIRAL'S CANDIDACY CUSTOMS OF KENTUCKY A SOCIETY SCANDAL DOINGS OF +ANARCHISTS ANGLO-AMERICAN SPORTS VOICES FROM THE TOMB THE NEGRO PROBLEM +THE AMERICAN STAGE TROUBLES OF A CANDIDATE A BACHELOR'S LIFE THE +EDUCATION OF THE YOUNG "L'AIGLON" CASUAL OBSERVATIONS + + + + +A BOOK REVIEW + + +"Well sir," said Mr. Dooley, "I jus' got hold iv a book, Hinnissy, that +suits me up to th' handle, a gran' book, th' grandest iver seen. Ye know +I'm not much throubled be lithrachoor, havin' manny worries iv me own, +but I'm not prejudiced again' books. I am not. Whin a rale good book +comes along I'm as quick as anny wan to say it isn't so bad, an' this +here book is fine. I tell ye 'tis fine." + +"What is it?" Mr. Hennessy asked languidly. + +"'Tis 'Th' Biography iv a Hero be Wan who Knows.' 'Tis 'Th' Darin' +Exploits iv a Brave Man be an Actual Eye Witness.' 'Tis 'Th' Account iv +th' Desthruction iv Spanish Power in th' Ant Hills,' as it fell fr'm th' +lips iv Tiddy Rosenfelt an' was took down be his own hands. Ye see 'twas +this way, Hinnissy, as I r-read th' book. Whin Tiddy was blowed up +in th' harbor iv Havana he instantly con-cluded they must be war. +He debated th' question long an' earnestly an' fin'lly passed a jint +resolution declarin' war. So far so good. But there was no wan to carry +it on. What shud he do? I will lave th' janial author tell th' story in +his own wurruds. + +"'Th' sicrety iv war had offered me,' he says, 'th' command of a +rig'mint,' he says, 'but I cud not consint to remain in Tampa while +perhaps less audacious heroes was at th' front,' he says. 'Besides,' +he says, 'I felt I was incompetent f'r to command a rig'mint raised be +another,' he says. 'I detarmined to raise wan iv me own,' he says. 'I +selected fr'm me acquaintances in th' West,' he says, 'men that had +thravelled with me acrost th' desert an' th' storm-wreathed mountain,' +he says, 'sharin' me burdens an' at times confrontin' perils almost as +gr-reat as anny that beset me path,' he says. 'Together we had faced th' +turrors iv th' large but vilent West,' he says, 'an' these brave men +had seen me with me trusty rifle shootin' down th' buffalo, th' elk, th' +moose, th' grizzly bear, th' mountain goat,' he says, 'th' silver man, +an' other ferocious beasts iv thim parts,' he says. 'An' they niver +flinched,' he says. 'In a few days I had thim perfectly tamed,' he says, +'an' ready to go annywhere I led,' he says. 'On th' thransport goi'n to +Cubia,' he says, 'I wud stand beside wan iv these r-rough men threatin' +him as a akel, which he was in ivrything but birth, education, rank +an' courage, an' together we wud look up at th' admirable stars iv that +tolerable southern sky an' quote th' bible fr'm Walt Whitman,' he says. +'Honest, loyal, thrue-hearted la-ads, how kind I was to thim,' he says." + +{Illustration: Read the articles by Roosevelt and Davis in the Car Fare +Magazine} + +"'We had no sooner landed in Cubia than it become nicessry f'r me to +take command iv th' ar-rmy which I did at wanst. A number of days was +spint be me in reconnoitring, attinded on'y be me brave an' fluent body +guard, Richard Harding Davis. I discovered that th' inimy was heavily +inthrenched on th' top iv San Juon hill immejiately in front iv me. At +this time it become apparent that I was handicapped be th' prisence iv +th' ar-rmy,' he says. 'Wan day whin I was about to charge a block house +sturdily definded be an ar-rmy corps undher Gin'ral Tamale, th' brave +Castile that I aftherwards killed with a small ink-eraser that I always +carry, I r-ran into th' entire military force iv th' United States lying +on its stomach. 'If ye won't fight,' says I, 'let me go through, 'I +says. 'Who ar-re ye?' says they. 'Colonel Rosenfelt,' says I. 'Oh, +excuse me,' says the gin'ral in command (if me mimry serves me thrue it +was Miles) r-risin' to his knees an' salutin'. This showed me 'twud be +impossible f'r to carry th' war to a successful con-clusion unless I +was free, so I sint th' ar-rmy home an' attackted San Juon hill. Ar-rmed +on'y with a small thirty-two which I used in th' West to shoot th' fleet +prairie dog, I climbed that precipitous ascent in th' face iv th' most +gallin' fire I iver knew or heerd iv. But I had a few r-rounds iv gall +mesilf an' what cared I? I dashed madly on cheerin' as I wint. Th' +Spanish throops was dhrawn up in a long line in th' formation known +among military men as a long line. I fired at th' man nearest to me an' +I knew be th' expression iv his face that th' trusty bullet wint home. +It passed through his frame, he fell, an' wan little home in far-off +Catalonia was made happy be th' thought that their riprisintative had +been kilt be th' future governor iv New York. Th' bullet sped on its mad +flight an' passed through th' intire line fin'lly imbeddin' itself in +th' abdomen iv th' Ar-rch-bishop iv Santiago eight miles away. This +ended th' war.' + +"'They has been some discussion as to who was th' first man to r-reach +th' summit iv San Juon hill. I will not attempt to dispute th' merits iv +th' manny gallant sojers, statesmen, corryspondints an' kinetoscope men +who claim th' distinction. They ar-re all brave men an' if they wish to +wear my laurels they may. I have so manny annyhow that it keeps me +broke havin' thim blocked an' irned. But I will say f'r th' binifit iv +Posterity that I was th' on'y man I see. An I had a tillyscope.'" + +"I have thried, Hinnissy," Mr. Dooley continued, "to give you a fair +idee iv th' contints iv this remarkable book, but what I've tol' ye is +on'y what Hogan calls an outline iv th' principal pints. Ye'll have to +r-read th' book ye'ersilf to get a thrue conciption. I haven't time f'r +to tell ye th' wurruk Tiddy did in ar-rmin' an' equippin' himself, how +he fed himsilf, how he steadied himsilf in battle an' encouraged himsilf +with a few well-chosen wurruds whin th' sky was darkest. Ye'll have to +take a squint into th' book ye'ersilf to l'arn thim things." + +"I won't do it," said Mr. Hennessy. "I think Tiddy Rosenfelt is all +r-right an' if he wants to blow his hor-rn lave him do it." + +"Thrue f'r ye," said Mr. Dooley, "an' if his valliant deeds didn't get +into this book 'twud be a long time befure they appeared in Shafter's +histhry iv th' war. No man that bears a gredge again' himsilf 'll iver +be governor iv a state. An' if Tiddy done it all he ought to say so +an' relieve th' suspinse. But if I was him I'd call th' book 'Alone in +Cubia.'" + + + + +AMERICANS ABROAD + + +"I wondher," said Mr. Dooley, "what me Dutch frind Oom Paul'll think +whin he hears that Willum Waldorf Asthor has given four thousan' pounds +or twinty thousan' iv our money as a conthribution to th' British +governmint?" + +"Who's Willum Waldorf Asthor?" Mr. Hennessy asked. "I niver heerd iv +him." + +"Ye wudden't," said Mr. Dooley. "He don't thravel in ye'er set. Willum +Waldorf Asthor is a gintleman that wanst committed th' sin iv bein' +bor-rn in this counthry. Ye know what orig-inal sin is, Hinnissy. Ye was +bor-rn with wan an' I was bor-rn with wan an' ivrybody was bor-rn with +wan. 'Twas took out iv me be Father Tuomy with holy wather first an' +be me father aftherward with a sthrap. But I niver cud find out what it +was. Th' sins I've committed since, I'm sure iv. They're painted red an' +carry a bell an' whin I'm awake in bed they stan' out on th' wall like +th' ilicthric signs they have down be State sthreet in front iv th' +clothin' stores. But I'll go to th' grave without knowin' exactly what +th' black orig-inal sin was I committed. All I know is I done wrong. +But with Willum Waldorf Asthor 'tis dif'rent. I say 'tis diff'rent with +Willum Waldorf Asthor. His orig-inal sin was bein' bor-rn in New York. +He cudden't do anything about it. Nawthin' in this counthry wud wipe +it out. He built a hotel intinded f'r jooks who had no sins but thim +iv their own makin', but even th' sight iv their haughty bills cud not +efface th' stain. He thried to live down his crime without success an' +he thried to live down to it be runnin' f'r congress, but it was no go. +No matther where he wint among his counthrymen in England some wan wud +find out he was bor-rn in New York an' th' man that ownded th' house +where he was spindin' th' night wud ast him if he was a cannibal an' had +he anny Indyan blood in his veins. 'Twas like seein' a fine lookin' +man with an intel-lecjal forehead an' handsome, dar-rk brown eyes an' +admirin' him, an' thin larnin' his name is Mudd J. Higgins. His accint +was proper an' his clothes didn't fit him right, but he was not bor-rn +in th' home iv his dayscindants, an' whin he walked th' sthreets iv +London he knew ivry polisman was sayin': 'There goes a man that pretinds +to be happy, but a dark sorrow is gnawin' at his bosom. He looks as if +he was at home, but he was bor-rn in New York, Gawd help him." + +{Illustration} + + +"So this poor way-worn sowl, afther thryin' ivry other rimidy fr'm +dhrivin' a coach to failin' to vote, at las' sought out th' rile high +clark iv th' coort an' says he: 'Behold,' he says, 'an onhappy man,' he +says. 'With millyons in me pocket, two hotels an' onlimited credit, 'he +says, 'me hear-rt is gray,' he says. 'Poor sowl,' says th' clark iv th' +coort, 'What's ailin' ye'?' he says. 'Have ye committed some gr-reat +crime?' he says. 'Partly,' says Willum Waldorf Asthor. 'It was partly +me an' partly me folks,' he says. 'I was,' he says, in a voice broken be +tears, 'I was,' he says, 'bor-rn in New York,' he says. Th' clark made +th' sign iv th' cross an' says he: 'Ye shudden't have come here,' he +says. 'Poor afflicted wretch,' he says, 'ye need a clargyman,' he +says. 'Why did ye seek me out?' he says. 'Because,' says Willum Waldorf +Asthor, 'I wish,' he says, 'f'r to renounce me sinful life,' he says. 'I +wish to be bor-rn anew,' he says. An' th' clark bein' a kind man helps +him out. An' Willum Waldorf Asthor renounced fealty to all foreign +sovereigns, princes an' potentates an' especially Mack th' Wanst, or +Twict, iv th' United States an' Sulu an' all his wur-ruks an' he come +out iv th' coort with his hat cocked over his eye, with a step jaunty +and high, afther years iv servile freedom a bondman at last! + +"So he's a citizen iv Gr-reat Britain now an' a lile subject iv th' +Queen like you was Hinnissy befure ye was r-run out." + +"I niver was," said Mr. Hennessy. "Sure th' Queen iv England was +renounced f'r me long befure I did it f'r mesilf--to vote." + +"Well, niver mind," Mr. Dooley continued, "he's a citizen iv England an' +he has a castle that's as big as a hotel, on'y nobody goes there excipt +thim that's ast, an' not all of those, an' he owns a newspaper an' th' +editor iv it's the Prince iv Wales an' th' rayporthers is all jooks an' +th' Archbishop iv Canterbury r-runs th' ilivator, an' slug wan in th' +printin' office is th' Impror iv Germany in disgeese. 'Tis a pa-per I'd +like to see. I'd like to know how th' Jook iv Marlbro'd do th' McGovern +fight. An' some day Willum Waldorf Asthor'll be able to wurruk f'r +his own pa-aper, f'r he's goin' to be a earl or a markess or a jook +or somethin' gran'. Ye can't be anny iv these things without money, +Hinnissy, an' he has slathers iv it." + +"Where does he get it?" demanded Mr. Hennessy. + +"F'rm this counthry," said Mr. Dooley. + +"I shud think," Mr. Hennessy protested stoutly, "if he's ashamed iv this +counthry he wudden't want to take money f'rm it." + +"That's where ye're wrong," Mr. Dooley replied. "Take money annywhere +ye find it. I'd take money f'rm England, much as I despise that formerly +haughty but now dejected land, if I cud get anny from there. An' whin ye +come down to it, I dinnaw as I blame Willum Waldorf Asthor f'r shiftin' +his allegiance. Ivry wan to his taste as th' man said whin he dhrank out +iv th' fire extinguisher. It depinds on how ye feel. If ye ar-re a tired +la-ad an' wan without much fight in ye, livin' in this counthry is +like thryin' to read th' Lives iv the Saints at a meetin' iv th' +Clan-na-Gael. They'se no quiet f'r annybody. They's a fight on ivry +minyit iv th' time. Ye may say to ye'ersilf: 'I'll lave these la-ads +roll each other as much as they plaze, but I'll set here in th' shade +an' dhrink me milk punch, but ye can't do it. Some wan 'll say, 'Look at +that gazabo settin' out there alone. He's too proud f'r to jine in our +simple dimmycratic festivities. Lave us go over an' bate him on th' +eye.' An' they do it. Now if ye have fightin' blood in ye'er veins ye +hastily gulp down yeer dhrink an' hand ye'er assailant wan that does him +no kind iv good, an' th' first thing ye know ye're in th thick iv it an' +its scrap, scrap, scrap till th' undhertaker calls f'r to measure ye. +An' 'tis tin to wan they'se somethin' doin' at th' fun'ral that ye're +sorry ye missed. That's life in America. Tis a gloryous big fight, a +rough an' tumble fight, a Donnybrook fair three thousan' miles wide an' +a ruction in ivry block. Head an' ban's an' feet an' th' pitchers on th' +wall. No holds barred. Fight fair but don't f'rget th' other la-ad may +not know where th' belt line is. No polisman in sight. A man's down with +twinty on top iv him wan minyit. Th' next he's settin' on th' pile usin' +a base-ball bat on th' neighbor next below him. 'Come on, boys, f'r +'tis growin' late, an' no wan's been kilt yet. Glory be, but this is th' +life!' + +"Now, if I'm tired I don't want to fight. A man bats me in th' eye an' +I call f'r th' polis. They isn't a polisman in sight. I say to th' +man that poked me: 'Sir, I fain wud sleep.' 'Get up,' he says, 'an' be +doin',' he says. 'Life is rale, life is earnest,' he says, 'an' man was +made to fight,' he says, fetchin' me a kick. An' if I'm tired I say, +'What's th' use? I've got plenty iv money in me inside pocket. I'll go +to a place where they don't know how to fight. I'll go where I can get +something but an argymint f'r me money an' where I won't have to rassle +with th' man that bates me carpets, ayether,' I says, 'f'r fifty cints +overcharge or good govermint,' I says. An' I pike off to what Hogan +calls th' effete monarchies iv Europe an' no wan walks on me toes, an' +ivry man I give a dollar to becomes an acrobat an' I live comfortably +an' die a markess! Th' divvle I do! + +"That's what I was goin' to say," Mr. Hennessy remarked. "Ye wudden't +live annywhere but here." + +"No," said Mr. Dooley, "I wudden't. I'd rather be Dooley iv Chicago than +th' Earl iv Peltvule. It must be that I'm iv th' fightin' kind." + + + + +SERVANT GIRL PROBLEM + + +Whin Congress gets through expellin' mimbers that believes so much in +mathrimony that they carry it into ivry relation iv life an' opens th' +dure iv Chiny so that an American can go in there as free as a Chinnyman +can come into this refuge iv th' opprissed iv th' wurruld, I hope'twill +turn its attintion to th' gr-reat question now confrontin' th' +nation--th' question iv what we shall do with our hired help. What shall +we do with thim? + +"We haven't anny," said Mr. Hennessy. + +"No," said Mr. Dooley. "Ar-rchey r-road has no servant girl problem. Th' +rule is ivry woman her own cook an' ivry man his own futman, an' be th' +same token we have no poly-gamy problem an' no open dure problem an' +no Ph'lippeen problem. Th' on'y problem in Ar-rchey r-road is how manny +times does round steak go into twelve at wan dollar-an-a-half a day. But +east iv th' r-red bridge, Hinnissy, wan iv th' most cryin' issues iv +th' hour is: What shall we do with our hired help? An' if Congress don't +take hold iv it we ar-re a rooned people." + +"'Tis an ol' problem an' I've seen it arise an' shake its gory head +ivry few years whiniver th' Swede popylation got wurruk an' begun bein' +marrid, thus rayjoocin' th' visible supply iv help. But it seems 'tis +deeper thin that. I see be letters in th' pa-apers that servants is +insolent, an' that they won't go to wurruk onless they like th' looks iv +their employers, an' that they rayfuse to live in th' counthry. Why anny +servant shud rayfuse to live in th' counthry is more thin I can see. +Ye'd think that this disreputable class'd give annything to lave +th' crowded tinimints iv a large city where they have frinds be th' +hundherds an' know th' polisman on th' bate an' can go out to hateful +dances an' moonlight picnics--ye'd think these unforchnate slaves'd be +delighted to live in Mulligan's subdivision, amid th' threes an' flowers +an' bur-rds. Gettin' up at four o'clock in th' mornin' th' singin' +iv th' full-throated alarm clock is answered be an invisible choir iv +songsters, as Shakespere says, an' ye see th' sun rise over th' hills as +ye go out to carry in a ton iv coal. All day long ye meet no wan as +ye thrip over th' coal-scuttle, happy in ye'er tile an' ye'er heart is +enlivened be th' thought that th' childher in th' front iv th' house +ar-re growin' sthrong on th' fr-resh counthry air. Besides they'se +always cookin' to do. At night ye can set be th' fire an' improve ye'er +mind be r-readin' half th' love story in th' part iv th' pa-aper that +th' cheese come home in, an' whin ye're through with that, all ye have +to do is to climb a ladder to th' roof an' fall through th' skylight an' +ye're in bed." + +{Illustration} + + +"But wud ye believe it, Hinnissy, manny iv these misguided women rayfuse +f'r to take a job that aint in a city. They prefer th' bustle an' +roar iv th' busy marts iv thrade, th' sthreet car, th' saloon on three +corners an' th' church on wan, th' pa-apers ivry mornin' with pitchers +iv th' s'ciety fav'rite that's just thrown up a good job at Armours to +elope with th' well-known club man who used to be yard-masther iv th' +three B's, G, L, & N., th' shy peek into th' dhry-goods store, an' other +base luxuries, to a free an' healthy life in th' counthry between iliven +P.M. an' four A.M. Wensdahs an' Sundahs. 'Tis worse thin that, Hinnissy, +f'r whin they ar-re in th' city they seem to dislike their wurruk an' +manny iv thim ar-re givin' up splindid jobs with good large families +where they have no chanst to spind their salaries, if they dhraw thim, +an' takin' places in shops, an' gettin' marrid an' adoptin' other +devices that will give thim th' chanst f'r to wear out their good +clothes. 'Tis a horrible situation. Riley th' conthractor dhropped in +here th' other day in his horse an' buggy on his way to the dhrainage +canal an' he was all wurruked up over th' question. 'Why,' he says, +''tis scand'lous th' way servants act,' he says. 'Mrs. Riley has +hystrics,' he says. 'An' ivry two or three nights whin I come home,' he +says, 'I have to win a fight again' a cook with a stove lid befure I +can move me family off th' fr-ront stoop,' he says. 'We threat thim well +too,' he says. 'I gave th' las' wan we had fifty cints an' a cook book +at Chris'mas an' th' next day she left befure breakfast,' he says. 'What +naytionalties do ye hire?' says I. 'I've thried thim all,' he says, +'an',' he says, 'I'll say this in shame,' he says, 'that th' Irish ar-re +th' worst,' he says. 'Well,' says I, 'ye need have no shame,' I says, +'f'r'tis on'y th' people that ar-re good servants that'll niver be +masthers,' I says. 'Th' Irish ar-re no good as servants because they +ar-re too good,' I says. 'Th' Dutch ar-re no good because they aint good +enough. No matther how they start they get th' noodle habit. I had wan, +wanst, an' she got so she put noodles in me tay,' I says. 'Th' Swedes +ar-re all right but they always get marrid th' sicond day. Ye'll have a +polisman at th' dure with a warrant f'r th' arrist iv ye'er cook if ye +hire a Boheemyan,' I says. 'Coons'd be all right but they're liable f'r +to hand ye ye'er food in ragtime, an' if ye ordher pork-chops f'r dinner +an' th' hall is long,'tis little ye'll have to eat whin th' platter's +set down,' I says. 'No,' says I, 'they'se no naytionality now livin' in +this counthry that're nathral bor-rn servants,' I says. 'If ye want +to save throuble,' I says, 'ye'll import ye'er help. They'se a race +iv people livin' in Cinthral Africa that'd be jus' r-right. They niver +sleep, tkey can carry twice their weight on their backs, they have no +frinds, they wear no clothes, they can't read, they can't dance an' +they don't dhrink. Th' fact is they're thoroughly oneddycated. If ye +cud tache thim to cook an' take care iv childher they'd be th' best +servants,' says I. 'An' what d'ye call thim?' says he. 'I f'rget,' says +I. An' he wint away mad." + +"Sure an' he's a nice man to be talkin' iv servants," said Mr. Hennessy. +"He was a gintleman's man in th' ol' counthry an' I used to know his +wife whin she wurruked f'r ----" + +"S-sh," said Mr. Dooley. "They're beyond that now. Besides they speak +fr'm experyence. An' mebbe that's th' throuble. We're always harder with +our own kind thin with others. 'Tis I that'd be th' fine cinsor iv a +bartinder's wurruk. Th' more ye ought to be a servant ye'ersilf th' more +difficult'tis f'r ye to get along with servants. I can holler to anny +man fr'm th' top iv a buildin' an' make him tur-rn r-round, but if I +come down to th' sthreet where he can see I aint anny bigger thin he is, +an' holler at him, 'tis twinty to wan if he tur-rns r-round he'll hit me +in th' eye. We have a servant girl problem because, Hinnissy, it isn't +manny years since we first begun to have servant girls. But I hope +Congress'll take it up. A smart Congress like th' wan we have now ought +to be able to spare a little time fr'm its preparation iv new Jims iv +speech f'r th' third reader an' rig up a bill that'd make keepin' house +a recreation while so softenin' th' spirit iv th' haughty sign iv a +noble race in th' kitchen that cookin' buckwheat cakes on a hot day with +th' aid iv a bottle iv smokeless powdher'd not cause her f'r to sind a +worthy man to his office in slippers an' without a hat." + +"Ah," said Mr. Hennessy, the simple democrat. "It wud be all r-right if +women'd do their own cookin'." + +"Well," said Mr. Dooley. "'Twud be a return to Jacksonyan simplicity, +an' 'twud be a gr-reat thing f'r th' resthrant business." + + + + +THE TRANSVAAL + + +"It looks like war," said Mr. Hennessy, who had been glancing at the +flaming head-lines of an evening paper over Mr. Dooley's shoulder. + +"It always does," said Mr. Dooley. "Since th' Czar iv Rooshia +inthrajooced his no-fight risolution, they'se been no chanst that they +wudden't be ructious." + +"An' what's it all about?" demanded Mr. Hennessy. "I can't make head nor +tail iv it at all, at all." + +"Well ye see 'tis this way," said Mr. Dooley. "Ye see th' Boers is a +simple, pasthral people that goes about their business in their own way, +raisin' hell with ivrybody. They was bor-rn with an aversion to society +an' whin th' English come they lit out befure thim, not likin' their +looks. Th' English kept comin' an' the Boers kept movin' till they +cudden't move anny further without bumpin' into th' Soodanese ar-rmy an' +thin they settled down an' says they, 'This far shall we go,' says +they, bein' a rellijous people, 'an' divvle th' sthep further.' An' they +killed off th' irrelijous naygurs an' started in f'r to raise cattle. +An' at night they'd set outside iv their dorps, which, Hinnissy, is +Dutch f'r two-story brick house an' lot, an' sip their la-ager an' swap +horses an' match texts fr'm th' Bible f'r th' seegars, while th' childer +played marbles with dimons as big as th' end iv ye'er thumb. + +"Well, th' English heerd they was goold be th' bucket in ivry cellar +fr'm Oopencoff to Doozledorf, which, Hinnissy, is like New York an' San +Francisco, bein' th' exthreme pints iv th' counthry, an' they come on +in gr-reat hordes, sturdy Anglo-Saxons fr'm Saxony, th' Einsteins an' +Heidlebacks an' Werners an' whin they took out goold enough so's they +needed raycreation they wanted to vote. 'An',' says Joe Chamberlain, he +says, 'Be hivins, they shall vote,' he says. 'Is it,' he says, 'possible +that at this stage iv th' world's progress' he says, 'an English +gintleman shud be denied,' he says, 'th' right to dhrop off a thrain +annywhere in th' civilized wurruld an' cast his impeeryal vote?' he +says. 'Give thim th' franchise,' he says, 'or be this an' be that!' +he says, 'f'r we have put our hand to th' plough, an' we will not turn +back,' he says. + +{Illustration} + +"Kruger, that's th' main guy iv th' Dutch, a fine man, Hennissy, that +looks like Casey's goat an' has manny iv th' same peculyarities, he +says, 'All r-right,' he says, 'I'll give thim th' franchise,' he says. +'Whin?' says Joe Chamberlain. 'In me will,' says Kruger. 'Whin I die,' +he says, 'an' I hope to live to be a hundherd if I keep on smokin' +befure breakfast,' he says, 'I'll bequeath to me frinds, th' English, or +such iv thim as was here befure I come, th' inalienable an' sacred right +to demand fr'm me succissor th' privilege iv ilictin' an aldherman,' he +says. 'But,' he says, 'in th' mane-time,' he says, 'we'll lave things +the way they are,' he says. 'I'm old,' he say, 'an' not good-lookin',' +he says, 'an' me clothes don't fit an' they may be marks iv food on me +vest,' he says, 'but I'm not more thin half crazy an' annytime ye find +me givin' annywan a chanst to vote me into a job dhrivin' a mule an' put +in an English prisidint iv this ray-public,' he says, 'ye may conclude +that ye'er Uncle Paul needs a guarjeen!' he says. + +"'Far be it fr'm me to suggist anny but peaceful measures,' says Sir +Alfred Milner, that's th' lad they have down in Africa, th' Injun agent, +'f'r th' English an' Dutch shud wurruk together like brothers f'r +th' removal iv th' naygur popylation,' he says, 'but,' he says, 'as a +brother I politely suggest to ye that if ye don't give us what we want +we'll hand ye a fraternal punch!' he says. 'F'r,' he says,' 'we have put +our hand to th' plough,' he says, 'an' we cannot turn back,' he says. + +"'What Sir Alfred Milner says is thrue,' says Lord Lelborne, an' what +th' divvle he has to do about it I dinnaw. 'Th' situation is such,' he +says, 'as to be intol'rable to a silf-rayspictin' Englishman,' he says. +'What a crime,' he says, 'that th' men who ar-re takin' most iv th' +money out iv th' counthry shud not be allowed to stick in anny iv th' +votes,' he says. 'We have, as Shakespeare says, put our hand to th' +plough,' he says, 'an' we cannot turn back,' he says. 'I agree corjally +with th' noble lord on th' r-red lounge abaft me,' says Lord Salisbury. +'With the echoes of me own noble sintimints on th' peace proclamation iv +me good frind, th' Czar iv Rooshia, still ringin' in me ears,' he says, +'it wud ill become me to speak iv foorce,' he says. 'I wud on'y say +that if th' Transvaal raypublic wud rather have a Dum-dum bullet in its +tum-tum thin grant to Englishmen th' r-right to run th' govermint, thin +th' Transvaal rapublic'll have both!' he says. 'I will add,' he says, +'that we have put our hand to th' plough an' we will not turn back,' he +says. + +"Well, sir, 'twas up to Kruger an' he knocked th' ashes out iv his pipe +on his vest an' says he, 'Gintlemen,' he says, 'I wud like to do me +best to accomydate ye,' he says. 'Nawthin' short iv a severe attack +iv sickness wud plaze me so much as to see long lines iv Englishmen +marchin' up to th' polls an' depositin' their ballots again' me f'r +prisidint,' he says. 'But,' he says, 'I'm an old man!' he says. 'I was +ilicted young an' I niver done annything since,' he says. 'I wudden't +know what to do without it,' he says. 'What ye propose is to make an +ex-prisidint iv me. D'ye think I cud stand that? D'ye think at my age +I wud be contint to dash fr'm wan justice coort to another pleadin' f'r +habyas-corpus writs or test me principles iv personal expansion in a Noo +Jarsey village?' he says. 'I'd rather be a dead prisidint thin a live +ex-prisidint. If I have anny pollytical ambition I'd rather be a Grant +or a Garfield thin a Cleveland or a Harrison,' he says. 'I may've read +it in th' Bible, though I think I saw it in a scand'lous book me frind +Rhodes left in his bedroom las' time he called on me, that ye shud niver +discard an ace to dhraw to a flush,' he says. 'I deplore th' language +but th' sintimint is sound,' he says. 'An' I believe ye'er intintions +to presarve peace ar-re honest, but I don't like to see ye pullin' off +ye'er coat an' here goes f'r throuble while ye have ye'er arms in th' +sleeves,' he says. 'F'r,' he says, 'ye have put ye'er hand in th' reaper +an' it cannot turn back,' he says. + +"An' there they go, Hinnissy. I'm not again England in this thing, +Hinnissy, an' I'm not again th' Boers. Like Mack I'm divided on a +matther iv principle between a desire to cemint th' 'lieance an' an +affiction f'r th' Dutch vote. But if Kruger had spint his life in a rale +raypublic where they burn gas he cud've settled th' business without +losin' sleep. If I was Kruger there'd've been no war." + +"What wud ye have done?" Mr. Hennessy asked. + +"I'd give thim th' votes," said Mr. Dooley. "But," he added +significantly, "I'd do th' countin'." + + + + +WAR AND WAR MAKERS + + +"I tell ye, Hinnissy," said Mr. Dooley, "Ye can't do th' +English-speakin' people. Oursilves an' th' hands acrost th' sea ar-re +rapidly teachin' th' benighted Lutheryan an' other haythin that as a +race we're onvincible an' oncatcheable. Th' Anglo-Saxon race meetin's +now going on in th' Ph'lippeens an' South Africa ought to convince +annywan that give us a fair start an' we can bate th' wurruld to a +tillygraft office. + +"Th' war our cousins be Sir Thomas Lipton is prosecutin', as Hogan says, +again th' foul but accrate Boers is doin' more thin that. It's givin' us +a common war lithrachoor. I wudden't believe at first whin I r-read th' +dispatches in th' pa-apers that me frind Gin'ral Otis wasn't in South +Africa. It was on'y whin I see another chapter iv his justly cillybrated +seeryal story, intitled 'Th' Capture iv Porac' that I knew he had an +imitator in th' mother counthry. An' be hivins, I like th' English +la-ad's style almost as well as our own gr-reat artist's. Mebbe'tis, +as th' pa-apers say, that Otis has writ himsilf out. Annyhow th' las' +chapter isn't thrillin'. He says: 'To-day th' ar-rmy undher my command +fell upon th' inimy with gr-reat slaughter an' seized th' important +town of Porac which I have mintioned befure, but,' he says, 'we ar-re +fortunately now safe in Manila.' Ye see he doesn't keep up th' intherest +to th' end. Th' English pote does betther." + +"'Las' night at eight o'clock,' he says, 'we found our slendher but +inthrepid ar-rmy surrounded be wan hundhred thousan' Boers,' he says. +'We attackted thim with gr-reat fury,' he says, 'pursuin' thim up th' +almost inaccessible mountain side an' capturin' eight guns which we +didn't want so we give thim back to thim with siveral iv our own,' +he says. 'Th' Irish rig'mints,' he says, 'th' Kerry Rifles, th' Land +Leaguers' Own, an' th' Dublin Pets, commanded be th' Pop'lar Irish sojer +Gin'ral Sir Ponsonby Tompkins wint into battle singin' their well-known +naytional anthem: "Mrs. Innery Awkins is a fust-class name!" Th' Boers +retreated,' he says, 'pursued be th' Davitt Terrors who cut their way +through th' fugitives with awful slaughter,' he says. 'They have now,' +he says, 'pinethrated as far us Pretoria,' he says, 'th' officers +arrivin' in first-class carredges an' th' men in thrucks,' he says, +'an' ar-re camped in th' bettin' shed where they ar-re afforded ivry +attintion be th' vanquished inimy,' he says. 'As f'r us,' he says, 'we +decided afther th' victhry to light out f'r Ladysmith.' he says, 'Th' +inimy had similar intintions,' he says, 'but their skill has been vastly +overrated,' he says. 'We bate thim,' he says 'we bate thim be thirty +miles,' he says. That's where we're sthrong, Hinnissy. We may get licked +on th' battle field, we may be climbin' threes in th' Ph'lippeens with +arrows stickin' in us like quills, as Hogan says, into th' fretful +porcupine or we may be doin' a mile in five minyits flat down th' pike +that leads to Cape Town pursued be th' less fleet but more ignorant +Boers peltin' us with guns full iv goold an' bibles, but in th' pages iv +histhry that our childhren read we niver turned back on e'er an inimy. +We make our own gloryous pages on th' battlefield, in th' camp an' in +th' cab'net meetin'." + +"Well, 't is all r-right f'r ye to be jokin'," said Mr. Hennessy, "but +there's manny a brave fellow down there that it's no joke to." + +"Thrue f'r ye," said Mr. Dooley, "an' that's why I wisht it cud be fixed +up so's th' men that starts th' wars could do th' fightin'. Th' throuble +is that all th' prelimin'ries is arranged be matchmakers an' all they'se +left f'r fighters is to do th' murdherin'. A man's got a good job at +home an' he wants to make it sthronger. How can he do it? Be throwin' +out some one that's got an akelly good job down th' sthreet. Now he +don't go over as I wud an' say, 'Here Schwartzmeister (or Kruger as th' +case may be) I don't like ye'er appearance, ye made a monkey iv me in +argymint befure th' neighborhood an' if ye continyue in business ye'll +hurt me thrade, so here goes to move ye into th' sthreet!' Not +that la-ad. He gets a crowd around him an' says he: 'Kruger (or +Schwartzmeister as th' case may be) is no good. To begin with he's a +Dutchman. If that ain't enough he's a cantin', hymn singin' murdhrous +wretch that wuddent lave wan iv our counthrymen ate a square meal if he +had his way. I'll give ye all two dollars a week if ye'll go over an' +desthroy him.' An' th' other la-ad, what does he do? He calls in th' +neighbors an' says he: 'Dooley is sindin' down a gang iv savages +to murdher me. Do ye lave ye'er wurruk an' ye'er families an' rally +ar-round me an' where ye see me plug hat wave do ye go in th' other +direction,' he says, 'an' slay th' brutal inimy,' he says. An' off goes +th' sojers an' they meet a lot iv la-ads that looks like thimsilves an' +makes sounds that's more or less human an' ates out iv plates an' they +swap smokin' tobacco an' sings songs together an' th' next day they're +up early jabbing holes in each other with baynits. An' whin its all +over they'se me an' Chamberlain at home victoryous an' Kruger an' +Schwartzmeister at home akelly victoryous. An' they make me prime +minister or aldherman but whin I want a man to put in me coal I don't +take wan with a wooden leg. + +"I'll niver go down again to see sojers off to th' war. But ye'll see me +at th' depot with a brass band whin th' men that causes wars starts f'r +th' scene iv carnage. Whin Congress goes forth to th' sun-kissed an' +rain jooled isles iv th' Passyfic no more heartier cheer will be beard +thin th' wan or two that rises fr'm th' bosom iv Martin Dooley. Says I, +give thim th' chanst to make histhry an' lave th' young men come home +an' make car wheels. If Chamberlain likes war so much 'tis him that +ought to be down there in South Africa peltin' over th' road with ol' +Kruger chasin' him with a hoe. Th' man that likes fightin' ought to be +willin' to turn in an' spell his fellow-counthrymen himsilf. An' +I'd even go this far an' say that if Mack wants to subjoo th' dam +Ph'lippeens----" + +"Ye're a thraitor," said Mr. Hennessy. + +"I know it," said Mr. Dooley, complacently. + +"Ye're an anti-expansionist." + +"If ye say that again," cried Mr. Dooley, angrily, "I'll smash in ye'er +head." + + + + +UNDERESTIMATING THE ENEMY + + +"What d'ye think iv th' war?" Mr. Hennessy asked. + +"I think I want to go out an' apologize to Shafter," said Mr. Dooley. + +"I'm like ivrybody else, be hivins, I thought war was like shootin' +glass balls. I niver thought iv th' glass balls thrainin' a dinnymite +gun on me. 'Tis a thrait iv us Anglo-Saxons that we look on an inimy as +a target. If ye hit him ye get three good see-gars. We're like people +that dhreams iv fights. In me dhreams I niver lost wan fight. A man I +niver saw befure comes up an' says something mane to me, that I can't +raymimber, an' I climb into him an' 'tis all over in a minyit. He niver +hits me, or if he does I don't feel it. I put him on his back an' bate +him to death. An' thin I help mesilf to his watch an' chain an' +me frinds come down an' say, 'Martin, ye haven't a scratch,' an' +con-grathlate me, an' I wandher ar-roun' th' sthreets with a chip on me +shoulder till I look down an' see that I haven't a stitch on me but a +short shirt. An' thin I wake up. Th' list iv knock-outs to me credit +in dhreams wud make Fitzsimmons feel poor. But ne'er a wan iv thim was +printed in th' pa-apers." + +"'Tis so with me frinds, th' hands acrost th' sea. They wint to sleep +an' had a dhream. An' says they: 'We will sind down to South Africa thim +gallant throops that have won so manny hard-fought reviews,' they says, +'captained,' they says, 'be th' flower iv our aristocracy,' they says. +'An' whin th' Boers come out ar-rmed with rollin' pins an' bibles,' they +says, 'We'll just go at thim,' they says, 'an' walk through thim an' +that night we'll have a cotillyon at Pretoria to which all frinds is +invited,' they says. An' so they deposit their intellects in th' bank +at home, an' th' absent-minded beggars goes out in thransports iv +pathreetism an' pothry. An' they'se a meetin' iv th' cabinet an' 'tis +decided that as th' war will on'y las' wan week 'twill be well f'r +to begin renamin' th' cities iv th' Thransvaal afther pop'lar English +statesmen--Joechamberlainville an' Rhodesdorp an' Beitfontein. F'r they +have put their hands to th' plough an' th' sponge is squeezed dhry, an' +th' sands iv th' glass have r-run out an' th' account is wiped clean." + +"An' what's th' Boer doin' all this time? What's me frind th' Boer +doin'. Not sleepin', Hinnissy, mind ye. He hasn't anny dhreams iv +conquest. But whin a man with long whiskers comes r-ridin' up th' r-road +an' says: 'Jan Schmidt or Pat O'Toole or whativer his name is, ye're +wanted at th' front,' he goes home an' takes a rifle fr'm th' wall an' +kisses his wife an' childher good-bye an' puts a bible in th' tails iv +his coat an' a stovepipe hat on his head an' thramps away. An' his wife +says: 'Good-bye, Jan. Don't be long gone an' don't get shooted.' An' he +says: 'Not while I've got a leg undher me an' a rock in front iv me,' he +says. I tell ye, Hinnissy, ye can't beat a man that fights f'r his home +an' counthry in a stovepipe hat. He might be timpted f'r to come out +fr'm cover f'r his native land, but he knows if he goes home to his wife +with his hat mussed she won't like it, an' so he sets behind a rock an' +plugs away. If th' lid is knocked off he's fatally wounded." + +"What's th' raysult, Hinnissy? Th' British marches up with their bands +playin' an' their flags flyin'. An' th' Boers squat behind a bouldher +or a three or set comfortable in th' bed iv a river an' bang away. Their +on'y thradition is that it's betther to be a live Boer thin a dead hero, +which comes, perhaps, to th' same thing. They haven't been taught +f'r hundherds iv years that 'tis a miracle f'r to be an officer an' a +disgrace to be a private sojer. They know that if they're kilt they'll +have their names printed in th' pa-apers as well as th' Markess iv +Doozleberry that's had his eyeglass shot out. But they ain't lookin' f'r +notoriety. All they want is to get home safe, with their counthry free, +their honor protected an' their hats in good ordher. An' so they hammer +away an' th' inimy keeps comin', an' th' varyous editions iv th' +London pa-apers printed in this counthry have standin' a line iv type +beginnin', 'I regret to state.'" + +"All this, Hinnissy, comes fr'm dhreamin' dhreams. If th' British had +said, 'This unclean an' raypeecious people that we're against is also +very tough. Dirty though they be, they'll fight. Foul though their +nature is, they have ca'tridges in their belts. This not bein' England +an' th' inimy we have again us not bein' our frinds, we will f'rget th' +gloryous thraditions iv th' English an' Soudan ar-rmies an' instead iv +r-rushin' on thim sneak along yon kindly fence an' hit thim on th' back +iv th' neck,'--they'd be less, 'I r-regret-to-states' and more 'I'm +plazed-to-reports.' They wud so, an' I'm a man that's been through +columns an' columns iv war. Ye'll find, Hinnissy, that 'tis on'y +ar-rmies fights in th' open. Nations fights behind threes an' rocks. +Ye can put that in ye're little book. 'Tis a sayin' I made as I wint +along." + +"We done th' same way oursilves," said Mr. Hennessy. + +"We did that," said Mr. Dooley. "We were in a dhream, too. Th' on'y +thing is th' other fellow was in a thrance. We woke up first. An' +anny-how I'm goin' to apologize to Shafter. He may not have anny medals +f'r standin' up in range iv th' guns but, be hivins, he niver dhrove his +buckboard into a river occypied be th' formerly loathed Castile." + + + + +THE WAR EXPERT + + +Mr. Dooley was reading the war news--not our war news but the war news +we are interested in--when Mr. Hennessy interrupted him to ask "What's a +war expert?" + +"A war expert," said Mr. Dooley, "is a man ye niver heerd iv befure. +If ye can think iv annywan whose face is onfamilyar to ye an' ye don't +raymimber his name, an' he's got a job on a pa-aper ye didn't know was +published, he's a war expert. 'Tis a har-rd office to fill. Whin a war +begins th' timptation is sthrong f'r ivry man to grab hold iv a gun +an go to th' fr-ront. But th' war expert has to subjoo his cravin' f'r +blood. He says to himsilf 'Lave others seek th' luxuries iv life in +camp,' he says. 'F'r thim th' boat races acrost th' Tugela, th' romp +over the kopje, an' th' game iv laager, laager who's got th' laager?' he +says. 'I will stand be me counthry,' he says, 'close,' he says. 'If it +falls,' he says, 'it will fall on me,' he says. An' he buys himsilf a +map made be a fortune teller in a dhream, a box iv pencils an' a field +glass, an' goes an' looks f'r a job as a war expert. Says th' editor +iv th' pa-aper: 'I don't know ye. Ye must be a war expert,' he says. 'I +am,' says th' la-ad. 'Was ye iver in a war?' says th' editor. 'I've been +in nawthin' else,' says th' la-ad. 'Durin' th' Spanish-American War, +I held a good job as a dhramatic critic in Dedham, Matsachoosets,' he +says. 'Whin th' bullets flew thickest in th' Soodan I was spoortin' +editor iv th' Christyan Advocate,' he says. 'I passed through th' +Franco-Prooshan War an' held me place, an' whin th' Turks an' Rooshans +was at each other's throats, I used to lay out th' campaign ivry day on +a checker board,' he says. 'War,' he says, has no turrors f'r me,' he +says. 'Ye're th man f'r th' money,' says th' editor. An' he gets th' +job." + +"Thin th' war breaks out in earnest. No matther how manny is kilt, +annything that happens befure th' war expert gets to wurruk is on'y what +we might call a prelimin'ry skirmish. He sets down an' bites th' end +iv his pencil an' looks acrost th' sthreet an' watches a man paintin' a +sign. Whin th' man gets through he goes to th' window an' waits to see +whether th' polisman that wint into th' saloon is afther a dhrink or +sarvin' a warrant. If he comes r-right out 'tis a warrant. Thin he sets +back in a chair an' figures out that th' pitchers on th' wall pa-aper +ar-re all alike ivry third row. Whin his mind is thurly tuned up be +these inthricate problems, he dashes to his desk an' writes what you an' +I read th' nex' day in th' pa-apers." + +"Clarence Pontoon, th' military expert iv th' London Mornin' Dhram, +reviewin' Gin'ral Buller's position on th' Tugela, says: 'It is manifest +fr'm th' dispatches tellin' that Gin'ral Buller has crost th' Tugela +River that Gin'ral Buller has crost th' Tugela River. This we r-read +in spite iv th' cinsor. Th' question is which side he has crost to. On +Friday he was on th' north side in th' mornin' an' on th' south side at +night, an' in th' river at noon. We heerd nawthin' Sathurdah mornin'. +Th' presumption is that they was nawthin' to hear. Therefore it is +aisy to imagine Gin'ral Buller, findin' his position on th' north +side ontenable an' his position on th' south side onbearable, is +thransportin' his troops up th' river on rafts an' is now engagin' +th' inimy between Spitzozone an' Rottenfontein, two imminsely sthrong +points. All this dimonsthrates th' footility an' foolishness iv +attimptin' to carry a frontal position agains' large, well-fed Dutchmen +with mud in th' fr-ront iv thim." + +"'I cal'clate that it wud require thirty millyon thurly dauntless +Britions to ixicute such a manoover, tin Boers ar-rmed with pop bottles +bein' now considhered th' akel iv a brigade. What I wud do if I was +Buller, an' I thank Hivin I'm not, wud be move me ar-rmy in half-an-hour +over th' high but aisily accessible mountains to th' right iv +Crowrijoy's forces, an' takin' off me shoes so he cudden't hear thim +squeak, creep up behind th' Dutch an' lam their heads off. Afther this +sthroke 'twud be aisy f'r to get th' foorces iv Fr-rinch, Gatacre, +Methoon, an' Winston Churchill together some afthernoon, invite th' +inimy to a band concert, surround an' massacree thim. This adroit move +cud be ixicuted if Roberts wud on'y make use iv th' ixicillint bus +sarvice between Hokesmith an' Mikesmith. It is exthraordinary that th' +gin'ral on th' groun' has not seen th' possibilities so apparent at a +distance.'" + +"That's wan kind iv war expert, Hinnissy. Another kind is th' wan that +gives it good to th' gover'mint. Says Willum McGlue, war expert iv +th' London Mornin' Growl, who's supposed to be cheek be jowl with Lord +Wolseley. 'England's greatness is slippin' away. Th' failure iv th' +gover'mint to provide a well-equipped, thurly pathriotic ar-rmy iv Boers +to carry on this war undher th' leadership iv gallant Joobert is +goin' to be our roonation. We ar-re bethrayed be a lazy, effete, +side-whiskered, golf-playin' gover'mint that wud rather lose this fight +thin win it because they ar-re tired iv holdin' office. What can be said +f'r public men so lost to shame that they spell Kopje with a "c" +an' ar-re sindin' Englishmen to th' ends iv th' wurruld to fight f'r +England? Down with thim!'" + +"Well sir, 'tis a gr-reat thing f'r a counthry to have th' likes iv thim +ar-round to direct manoovers that'd be gatherin' dust on th' shelf if +th' gin'rals had their say, an' to prove to th' wurruld that th' English +ar-re not frivolous, excitable people like us an' th' Frinch, but can +take a batin' without losin' their heads." + +"Sure," said Mr. Hennessy, "tis not thim that does th' fightin'. Th' +la-ads with th' guns has that job." + +"Well," said Mr. Dooley, "they'se two kinds iv fightin'. Th' experts +wants th' ar-rmy to get into Pretoria dead or alive, an' th' sojers +wants to get in alive. I'm no military expert, Hinnissy. I'm too well +known. But I have me own opinyon on th' war. All this talk about th' +rapid fire gun an' modhren methods iv warfare makes me wondher. They'se +not so much diff'rence between war now an' war whin I was a kid, as they +let on. Th' gun that shoots ye best fr'm a distance don't shoot ye so +well close to. A pile iv mud is a pile iv mud now just th' same as it +was whin Gin'ral Grant was pokin' ar-round. If th' British can get over +th' mud pile they win th' fight. If they can't they're done. That's all +they'se to it. Mos' men, sthrongest backs, best eyes an' th' ownership +iv th' mud piles. That's war, Hinnissy. Th' British have th' men. +They're shy iv backs, eyes an' mud piles, an' they will be until they +larn that sheep-herdin' an' gin'ralship ar-re diff'rent things, an' fill +up their ar-rmy with men that ar-re not fightin' f'r money or glory, but +because they want to get home to their wives alive." + +"Ye talk like an' ol book," said Mr. Hennessy, in disgust. "Ye with +ye-re maundhrin' ar-re no betther thin thim expert la-ads." + +"Well annyhow," said Mr. Dooley thoughtfully, "th' expert is sarvin' a +useful purpose. Th' papers says th' rapid fire gun'll make war in th' +future impossible. I don't think that, but I know th' expert will." + + + + +MODERN EXPLOSIVES + + +"If iver I wanted to go to war," said Mr. Dooley, "an' I niver did, th' +desire has passed fr'm me iv late. Ivry time I read iv th' desthructive +power iv modhern explosives col' chills chase each other up an' down me +spine." + +"What's this here stuff they calls lyddite?" Mr. Hennessy asked. + +"Well, 'tis th' divvle's own med'cine," said Mr. Dooley. "Compared with +lyddite joynt powdher is Mrs. Winslow's soothin' surup, an' ye cud lave +th' childher play base-ball with a can iv dinnymite. 'Tis as sthrong as +Gin'ral Crownjoy's camp th' day iv th' surrinder an' almost as sthrong +as th' pollytics iv Montana. Th' men that handles it is cased in six +inch armor an' played on be a hose iv ice wather. Th' gun that shoots +it is always blown up be th' discharge. Whin this deadly missile flies +through th' air, th' threes ar-re withered an' th' little bur-rds falls +dead fr'm th' sky, fishes is kilt in th' rivers, an' th' tillyphone +wires won't wurruk. Th' keen eyed British gunners an' corryspondints +watches it in its hellish course an' tur-rn their faces as it falls into +th' Boer trench. An' oh! th' sickly green fumes it gives off, jus' like +pizen f'r potato bugs! There is a thremenjous explosion. Th' earth is +thrown up f'r miles. Horses, men an' gun carredges ar-re landed in th' +British camp whole. Th' sun is obscured be Boer whiskers turned green. +Th' heart iv th' corryspondint is made sick be th' sight, an' be th' +thought iv th' fearful carnage wrought be this dhread desthroyer in th' +ranks iv th' brave but misguided Dutchmen. Th' nex' day deserters fr'm +th' Boer ranks reports that they have fled fr'm th' camp, needin' a +dhrink an' onable to stand th' scenes iv horror. They announce that th' +whole Boer ar-rmy is as green as wall paper, an' th' Irish brigade has +sthruck because ye can't tell their flag fr'm th' flag iv th' r-rest iv +th' Dutch. Th' Fr-rinch gin'ral in command iv th' Swedish corps lost +his complexion an' has been sint to th' hospital, an' Mrs. Gin'ral +Crownjoy's washin' that was hangin' on th' line whin th' bombardmint +comminced is a total wreck which no amount iv bluin' will save. Th' +deserters also report that manny iv th' Boers ar-re outspannin', +trekkin', loogerin', kopjein' an' veldtin' home to be dyed, f'r'tis not +known whether lyddite is a fast color or will come out in th' wash." + +"In spite iv their heavy losses th' Boers kept up a fierce fire. They +had no lyddite, but with their other divvlish modhern explosives they +wrought thremenjous damage. F'r some hours shells burst with turr'ble +precision in th' British camp. Wan man who was good at figures counted +as manny as forty-two thousan' eight hundhred an' sivin burstin' within +a radyus iv wan fut. Ye can imagine th' hor-rible carnage. Colonel C. G. +F. K. L. M. N. O. P. Hetherington-Casey-Higgins lost his eye-glass +tin times, th' las' time almost swallowin' it, while ye'er faithful +corryspondint was rindered deaf be th' explosions. Another Irish +rig'mint has disappearded, th' Twelve Thousandth an' Eighth, Dublin +Fusiliers. Brave fellows, 'tis suspicted they mistook th' explosion of +lyddite f'r a Pathrick's Day procession an' wint acrost to take a look +at it." + +"Murdher, but 'tis dhreadful to r-read about. We have to change all our +conciptions iv warfare. Wanst th' field was r-red, now 'tis a br-right +lyddite green. Wanst a man wint out an' died f'r his counthry, now they +sind him out an' lyddite dyes him. What do I mane? 'Tis a joke I made. +I'll not explane it to ye. Ye wudden't undherstand it. 'Tis f'r th' +eddycated classes." + +"How they're iver goin' to get men to fight afther this I cudden't tell +ye. 'Twas bad enough in th' ol' days whin all that happened to a sojer +was bein' pinithrated be a large r-round gob iv solder or stuck up on +th' end iv a baynit be a careless inimy. But now-a-days, they have th' +bullet that whin it enthers ye tur-rns ar-round like th' screw iv a +propeller, an' another wan that ye might say goes in be a key-hole an' +comes out through a window, an' another that has a time fuse in it +an' it doesn't come out at all but stays in ye, an' mebbe twinty years +afther, whin ye've f'rgot all about it an' ar-re settin' at home with +ye'er fam'ly, bang! away it goes an' ye with it, carryin' off half iv +th' roof. Thin they have guns as long as fr'm here to th' rollin' mills +that fires shells as big as a thrunk. Th' shells are loaded like a +docthor's bag an' have all kinds iv things in thim that won't do a bit +iv good to man or beast. If a sojer has a weak back there's something +in th' shell that removes a weak back; if his head throubles him, he can +lose it; if th' odher iv vilets is distasteful to him th' shell smothers +him in vilet powdher. They have guns that anny boy or girl who knows th' +typewriter can wurruk, an' they have other guns on th' music box plan, +that ye wind up an' go away an' lave, an' they annoy anny wan that comes +along. They have guns that bounces up out iv a hole in th' groun', fires +a millyon shells a minyit an' dhrops back f'r another load. They have +guns that fire dinnymite an' guns that fire th' hateful, sickly green +lyddite that makes th' inimy look like fiat money, an' guns that fire +canned beef f'r th' inimy an' distimper powdher for th' inimy's horses. +An' they have some guns that shoot straight." + +"Well, thin," Mr. Hennessy grumbled, "it's a wondher to me that with all +thim things they ain't more people kilt. Sure, Gin'ral Grant lost more +men in wan day thin th' British have lost in four months, an' all he had +to keep tab on was ol' fashioned bullets an' big, bouncin' iron balls." + +"Thrue," said Mr. Dooley. "I don't know th' reason, but it mus' be that +th' betther gun a man has th' more he thrusts th' gun an' th' less he +thrusts himsilf. He stays away an' shoots. He says to himsilf, he says: +'They'se nawthin' f'r me to do,' he says, 'but load up me little lyddite +cannon with th' green goods,' he says, 'an' set here at the organ,' +he says, 'pull out th' stops an' paint th' town iv Pretoria green,' he +says. 'But,' he says, 'on sicond thought, suppose th' inimy shud hand it +back to me,' he says. 'Twud be oncomfortable,' he says. 'So,' he says, +'I'll jus' move me music back a mile,' he says, 'an' peg away, an' th' +longest gun takes th' persimmons,' he says. 'Tis this way: If ye an' I +fall out an' take rifles to each other, 'tis tin to wan nayether iv us +gets clost enough to hit. If we take pistols th' odds is rayjooced. If +we take swords I may get a hack at ye, but if we take a half-nelson lock +'tis even money I have ye'er back broke befure th' polis comes." + +"I can see in me mind th' day whin explosives'll be so explosive an' +guns'll shoot so far that on'y th' folks that stay at home'll be kilt, +an' life insurance agents'll be advisin' people to go into th' ar-rmy. I +can so. 'Tis thrue what Hogan says about it." + +"What's that?" Mr. Hennessy asked. + +"Th' nation," said Mr. Dooley, "that fights with a couplin' pin extinds +its bordhers at th' cost iv th' nation that fights with a clothes pole." + +"Well, sir," said Mr. Dooley, "tis a fine rayciption th' Boer dillygates +is havin' in this counthry." + +"They'll be out here nex' week," said Mr. Hennessy. + +"They will that," Mr. Dooley replied, "an' we'll show thim that +our inthrest in small raypublics fightin' f'r their liberty ain't +disappeared since we become an impeeryal nation. No, sir. We have as +much inthrest as iver, but we have more inthrests elsewhere." + +"Oom Paul, he says to th' la-ads: 'Go,' he says, 'to me good an' great +frind, Mack th' Wanst, an' lay th' case befure him,' he says. 'Tell +him,' he says, 'that th' situation is just th' same as it was durin' +Wash'nton's time,' he says, 'on'y Wash'nton won, an' we're rapidly +losin' kopjes till we soon won't have wan to sthrike a match on,' he +says. An' off goes th' good men. Whin they started the Boers was doin' +pretty well, Hinnissy. They were fightin' Englishmen, an' that's a lawn +tinnis to a rale fightin' man. But afther awhile the murdherin' English +gover'mint put in a few recreent but gallant la-ads fr'm th' ol' +dart--we ought to be proud iv thim, curse thim--Pat O'Roberts, an' Mike +McKitchener, an' Terrence O'Fr-rinch--an' they give th' view--halloo +an' wint through th' Dutch like a party comin' home fr'm a fifteenth +iv August picnic might go through a singerbund. So be th' time th' +dillygates got to Europe it was: 'James, if thim br-rave but misguided +Dutch appears, squirt th' garden hose on thim. I'll see th' British +embassadure this afthernoon.' Ye see, Hinnissy, 'twas ol' Kruger's play +to keep on winnin' battles till th' dillygates had their say. Th' +amount iv sympathy that goes out f'r a sthrugglin' people is reg'lated, +Hinnissy, be th' amount iv sthrugglin' th' people can do. Th' wurruld, +me la-ad, is with th' undher dog on'y as long as he has a good hold an' +a chanst to tur-rn over." + +"Well, sir, whin th' dillygates see they cudden't do business in Europe, +says they to thimsilves: 'We'll pike acrost th' ragin' sea,' they says, +'an in th' home iv Wash'nton, Lincoln, an' Willum J. Bryan, ye bet we'll +have a hearin',' an' they got wan. Ivrybody's listenin' to thim. But no +wan replies. If they'd come here three months ago, befure Crownjoy was +suffocated out iv his hole in th' groun', they'd be smokin' their pipes +in rockin' chairs on th' veranda iv th' white house an' passin' th' +bucket between thim an' Mack. But 'tis diff'rent now. 'Tis diff'rent +now. Says Willum J. Bryan: 'I can't see thim mesilf, f'r it may not be +long befure I'll have to dale with these inthricate problems, I hope +an' pray, but Congressman Squirtwather, do ye disguise ye'ersilf as a +private citizen an' go down to th' hotel an' tell these la-ads that +I'm with thim quietly if public opinyon justifies it an' Mack takes +th' other side. Tell thim I frequently say to mesilf that they're all +r-right, but I wudden't want it to go further. Perhaps they cud be +injooced to speak at a dimmycratic meetin' unbeknown to me,' he says. + +"Sicrety Hay meets thim in a coal cellar, wearin' a mask. 'Gintlemen,' +says he, 'I can assure ye th' prisidint an' mesilf feels mos' deeply f'r +ye. I needn't tell ye about mesilf,' he says. 'Haven't I sint me own son +into ye'er accursed but liberty-lovin' counthry,' he says. 'As f'r Mack, +I assure ye he's hear-rtbroken over th' tur-rn affairs have taken,' he +says. 'Early in th' war he wrote to Lord Salisberry, sayin' he hoped +'twud not be continyued to iliction day, an' Salisberry give him a gruff +response. Tur-rned him down, though both ar-re Anglo-Saxons,' he says. +'Las' night his sobs fairly shook th' white house as he thought iv ye +an' ye'er sthruggle. He wants to tell ye how much he thinks iv ye, an' +he'll meet ye in th' carredge house if ye'll shave off ye'er whiskers +an' go as clam-peddlers. Ye'll reco'nize him in a green livery. He'll +wear a pink carnation in his buttonhole. Give th' names iv Dorsey an' +Flannagan, an' if th' English ambassadure goes by get down on ye'er +ban's an' knees an' don't make a sign till he's out iv sight,' he says. +'Th' stout party in blue near by'll be Mark Hanna. He may be able to +arrange a raypublican meetin' f'r ye to addhress,' he says. 'The gr-reat +hear-rt iv th' raypublican party throbs f'r ye. So does Mack's,' he +says. 'So does mine,' he says." + +"Well, th' dillygates met Mack an' they had a pleasant chat. 'Will ye,' +says they, 'inthervene an' whistle off th' dogs iv war?' they says. +'Whisper,' says Mack, th' tears flowin' down his cheeks. 'Iver since +this war started me eyes have been fixed on th' gallant or otherwise, +nation or depindancy, fightin' its brave battle f'r freedom or rebellin' +again' th' sov'reign power, as the case may be,' he says. 'Unofficially, +my sympathy has gone out to ye, an' bur-rnin' wurruds iv unofficial +cheer has been communicated unofficially be me to me official fam'ly, +not, mind ye, as an official iv this magnificent an' liberty-lovin' +raypublic, but as a private citizen,' he says. 'I feel, as a private +citizen, that so long,' he says, 'as the br-right star iv liberty shines +resplindent over our common counthries, with th' example iv Washin'ton +in ye'er eyes, an' th' iliction comin' on, that ye must go forward an' +conker or die,' he says. 'An',' he says, 'Willum McKinley is not th' man +to put annything in ye'er way,' he says. 'Go back to me gr-reat an' good +frind an' tell him that th' hear-rt iv th' raypublican party throbs +f'r him,' he says. 'An' Sicrety Hay's,' he says, 'an' mine,' he says, +'unofficially,' he says. 'Me official hear-rt,' he says, 'is not +permitted be th' constitootion to throb durin' wurrukin' hours,' he +says. + +"An' so it goes. Ivrywhere th' dillygates tur-rns they see th' sign: +'This is me busy day.' An' whin they get back home they can tell +th' people they found th' United States exudin' sympathy at ivry +pore--'marked private.'" + +"Don't ye think th' United States is enthusyastic f'r th' Boers?" asked +the innocent Hennessy. + +"It was," said Mr. Dooley. "But in th' las' few weeks it's had so manny +things to think iv. Th' enthusyasm iv this counthry, Hinnissy, always +makes me think iv a bonfire on an ice-floe. It burns bright so long as +ye feed it, an' it looks good, but it don't take hold, somehow, on th' +ice." + + + + +THE CHINESE SITUATION + + +"Well, sir," said Mr. Hennessy, "to think iv th' audacity iv thim +Chinymen! It do bate all." + +"It do that," said Mr. Dooley. "It bates th' wurruld. An' what's it +comin' to? You an' me looks at a Chinyman as though he wasn't good f'r +annything but washin' shirts, an' not very good at that. Tis wan iv th' +spoorts iv th' youth iv our gr-reat cities to rowl an impty beer keg +down th' steps iv a Chinee laundhry, an' if e'er a Chinyman come out +to resint it they'd take him be th' pigtail an' do th' joynt swing with +him. But th' Chinyman at home's a diff'rent la-ad. He's with his frinds +an' they're manny iv thim an' he's rowlin' th' beer kegs himsilf +an' Westhren Civilization is down in th' laundhry wondhrin' whin th' +police'll come along." + +"Th' Lord f'rgive f'r sayin' it, Hinnissy, but if I was a Chinyman, +which I will fight anny man f'r sayin,' an' was livin' at home, I'd tuck +me shirt into me pants, put me braid up in a net, an' go out an' take +a fall out iv th' in-vader if it cost me me life. Here am I, Hop Lung +Dooley, r-runnin' me little liquor store an' p'rhaps raisin' a family in +th' town iv Koochoo. I don't like foreigners there anny more thin I do +here. Along comes a bald-headed man with chin whiskers from Baraboo, +Wisconsin, an' says he: 'Benighted an' haythen Dooley,' says he, 'ye +have no God,' he says. 'I have,' says I. 'I have a lot iv thim,' says I. +'Ye ar-re an oncultivated an' foul crather,' he says. 'I have come six +thousan' miles f'r to hist ye fr'm th' mire iv ignorance an' irrellijon +in which ye live to th' lofty plane iv Baraboo,' he says. An' he sets +down on an aisy chair, an' his wife an' her friends come in an' they +inthrojooce Mrs. Dooley to th' modhren improvements iv th' corset an' +th' hat with th' blue bur-rd onto it, an' put shame into her because she +hasn't let her feet grow, while th' head mission'ry reads me a pome out +iv th' _Northwesthren Christyan Advocate_. 'Well,' says I, 'look here, +me good fellow,' I says. 'Me an' me people has occypied these here +primises f'r manny years,' I says, 'an' here we mean to stay,' I says. +'We're doin' th' best we can in th' matther iv gods,' says I. 'We have +thim cast at a first-rate foundhry,' I says, 'an' we sandpa-aper thim +ivry week,' says I. 'As f'r knowin' things,' I says, 'me people wrote +pomes with a markin' brush whin th' likes iv ye was r-runnin' ar-round +wearin' a short pelisse iv sheepskins an' batin' each other to death +with stone hammers,' says I. An' I'm f'r firin' him out, but bein' a +quite man I lave him stay." + +"Th' nex' day in comes a man with a suit iv clothes that looks like a +tablecloth in a section house, an' says he: 'Poor ignorant haythen,' he +says, 'what manner iv food d'ye ate?' he says. 'Rice,' says I, 'an' rats +is me fav'rite dish,' I says. 'Deluded wretch,' says he. 'I riprisint +Armour an' Company, an' I'm here to make ye change ye'er dite,' he says. +'Hinceforth ye'll ate th' canned roast beef iv merry ol' stock yards or +I'll have a file iv sojers in to fill ye full iv ondygistible lead,' +he says. An' afther him comes th' man with Aunt Miranda's Pan Cakes +an' Flaked Bran an' Ye'll-perish-if-ye-don't-eat-a-biscuit an' other +riprisintatives iv Westhern Civilization, an' I'm to be shot if I don't +take thim all." + +"Thin a la-ad runs down with a chain an' a small glass on three sticks +an' a gang iv section men that answers to th' name iv Casey, an' +pro-ceeds f'r to put down a railroad. 'What's this f'r?' says I. 'We +ar-re th' advance guard iv Westhren Civilization,' he says, 'an we're +goin' to give ye a railroad so ye can go swiftly to places that ye don't +want to see,' he says. 'A counthry that has no railroads is beneath +contimpt,' he says. 'Casey,' he says,'sthretch th' chain acrost yon +graveyard,' he says. 'I aim f'r to put th' thrack just befure that large +tombstone marked Riquiescat in Pace, James H. Chung-a-lung,' he says. +'But,' says I, 'ye will disturb pah's bones,' says I, 'if ye go to +layin' ties,' I says. 'Ye'll be mixin' up me ol' man with th' Cassidy's +in th' nex' lot that,' I says, 'he niver spoke to save in anger in his +life,' I says. 'Ye're an ancestor worshiper, heathen,' says the la-ad, +an' he goes on to tamp th' mounds in th' cimitry an ballast th' thrack +with th' remains iv th' deceased. An' afther he's got through along +comes a Fr-rinchman, an' an Englishman, an' a Rooshan, an' a Dutchman, +an' says wan iv them: 'This is a comfortable lookin' saloon,' he says. +'I'll take th' bar, ye take th' ice-box an' th' r-rest iv th' fixtures.' +'What f'r?' says I. 'I've paid th' rent an' th' license,' says I. 'Niver +mind,' says he. 'We're th' riprisintatives iv Westhren Civilization,' +he says, 'an' 'tis th' business iv Westhren Civilization to cut up th' +belongings iv Easthren Civilization,' he says. 'Be off,' he says, 'or +I'll pull ye'er hair,' he says. 'Well,' says I, 'this thing has gone +far enough,' I says. 'I've heerd me good ol' cast-iron gods or josses +abused,' I says, 'an' I've been packed full iv canned goods, an' th' +Peking Lightnin' Express is r-runnin' sthraight through th' lot where +th' bones iv me ancesthors lies,' I says. 'I've shtud it all,' I says, +'but whin ye come here to bounce me off iv me own primises,' I says, +'I'll have to take th' leg iv th' chair to ye,' I says. An' we're to th' +flure." + +"That's th' way it stands in Chiny, Hinnissy, an' it looks to me as +though Westhren Civilization was in f'r a bump. I mind wanst whin a +dhrunk prize fighter come up th' r-road and wint to sleep on Slavin's +steps. Some iv th' good sthrong la-ads happened along an' they were near +bein' at blows over who shud have his watch an' who shud take his hat. +While they were debatin' he woke up an' begin cuttin' loose with hands +an' feet, an' whin he got through he made a collection iv th' things +they dhropped in escapin' an' marched ca'mly down th' sthreet. Mebbe +'twill tur-rn out so in Chiny, Hinnissy. I see be th' pa-apers that +they'se four hundherd millyons iv thim boys an' be hivins! 'twuddent +surprise me if whin they got through batin' us at home, they might say +to thimsilves: 'Well, here goes f'r a jaunt ar-roun' the wurruld.' Th' +time may come, Hinnissey, whin ye'll be squirtin' wather over Hop Lee's +shirt while a man named Chow Fung kicks down ye'er sign an' heaves rocks +through ye'er windy. The time may come, Hinnissy. Who knows?" + +"End ye'er blather," said Mr. Hennessy. "They won't be anny Chinymen +left whin Imp'ror Willum gets through." + +"Mebbe not," says Mr. Dooley. "He's a sthrong man. But th' Chinymen have +been on earth a long time, an' I don't see how we can push so manny iv +thim off iv it. Annyhow, 'tis a good thing f'r us they ain't Christyans +an' haven't larned properly to sight a gun." + + + + +MINISTER WU + + +"Well, sir, me little Chinee frind Woo must be havin' th' time iv his +life in Wash'nton these warm days," said Mr. Dooley. + +"Who's he?" asked Mr. Hennessy. + +"He's th' Chinee ministher," said Mr. Dooley, "an' his business is f'r +to supply fresh hand-laundhried misinformation to the sicrety iv state. +Th' sicrety iv state is settin' in his office feelin' blue because +he's just heerd be a specyal corryspondint iv th' London Daily Pail at +Sydney, Austhreelya, who had it fr'm a slatewriter in Duluth that an +ar-rmy iv four hundherd an' eight thousan' millyon an' sivinty-five +bloodthirsty Chinee, ar-rmed with flatirnes an' cryin', 'Bung Loo!' +which means, Hinnissy, 'Kill th' foreign divvles, dhrive out th' +missionries, an' set up in Chiny a gover'mint f'r the Chinee,' is +marchin' on Vladivostook in Siberyia, not far fr'm Tinsin." + +A knock comes at th' dure an' Woo enthers. 'Well,' says he, with a happy +smile, ''tis all right.' 'What's all right?' says the sicrety iv state. +'Ivrything,' says Woo. 'I have just found a letter sewed in a shirt fr'm +me frind Lie Much, th' viceroy iv Bumbang. It is dated th' fourth hour +iv th' third day iv th' eighth or green-cheese moon,' he says. 'What day +is that?' says the sicrety iv state. 'It's Choosdah, th' fourth iv July; +Winsdah, th' eighth iv October, an' Thursdah, the sivinteenth iv March,' +he says. 'Pathrick's day,' says th' sicrety iv state. 'Thrue f'r ye,' +says Woo. 'What year?' says Jawn Hay. 'The year iv th' big wind,' says +Woo. 'Good,' says John Hay, 'proceed with ye'er story.' 'Here's th' +letther,' says Woo. 'I know 'tis genooyine because it is an ol' dhress +patthern used be th' impress. It says: 'Oscar Woo, care iv himsilf, +annywhere: Dear Woo, brother iv th' moon, uncle iv th' sun, an' roommate +iv th' stars, dear sir: Yours iv th' eighth day iv th' property moon +rayceived out iv th' air yesterdah afthernoon or to-morrow, an' was glad +to note ye ar-re feelin' well. Ivrything over here is th' same ol' +pair iv boots. Nawthin' doin'. Peking is as quiet as th' gr-rave. Her +majesty, th' impress, is sufferin' slightly fr'm death be poison, but is +still able to do th' cookin' f'r the Rooshan ambassadure. Th' impror was +beheaded las' week an' feels so much betther f'r the op'ration that he +expicts to be quarthered nex' Sundah. He's always wanted to rayjooce his +weight. Some iv th' Boxers called on th' foreigners at Tinsin las' week +an' met a warrum rayciption. Th' foreigners aftherward paid a visit to +thim through a hole in th' wall, an' a jolly day concluded with a foot +race, at which our people are becomin' expert. Some iv th' boys expicts +to come up to Peking nex' week, an' th' people along th' line iv th' +railroad are gettin' ready f'r thim. This is really all the news I have, +excipt that cherries ar-re ripe. Me pin is poor, me ink is dhry, me love +f'r you can niver die. Give me regards to Sicrety Hay whin he wakes up. +I remain, illusthrus cousin iv th' risin' dawn, thruly ye'ers, Li. + +P. S.--If ye need anny more information take a longer dhraw.' + +"'That,' says Woo, 'is wan way iv r-readin' it. Read upside down it says +that the impress has become a Swedenboorjan. I will r-read it standin' +on me head whin I get home where I can pin down me overskirt; thin I'll +r-read it in a lookin' glass; thin I'll saw it into sthrips an' r-run +it through a wringer an' lave it stand in a tub iv bluein', an' whin its +properly starched I'll find out what it says. Fin'lly I'll cut it into +small pieces an' cook with rice an' lave it to rest in a cool place, an' +thin 'twill r-read even betther. I hope ye're satisfied,' he says. +'I am,' says Jawn Hay. 'I'll tillygraft to Mark that ivrything is all +r-right,' he says, 'an' that our relations with his majesty or her +majesty or their Boxerships or th' Down-with-th'-foreign-divvlers or +whoiver's runnin' th' shop over beyant are as they ought to be or worse +or betther, as th' case may be,' he says. 'Good,' says Woo, 'ye're a man +afther me own heart,' he says. 'I'll sind ye a little book wrote be a +frind iv mine in Peking,' he says. ''Tis called "Heart to Heart Lies +I Have Had," he says. 'Ye'll like it,' he says. 'In the manetime,' he +says, 'I must write a secret message to go out be to-night's hot-air +express to me corryspondint in Meriden, Connecticut, urgin' him to sind +more im-peeryal edicks iv a fav'r-able nature,' he says. 'I've on'y had +twinty so far, an' I'm gettin' scrivener's palsy,' he says. 'But befure +I go,' he says, 'I bet ye eight millyon yens, or three dollars an' +eighty-four cints iv ye'er money, that ye can't pick out th' shell this +here pea is undher,' he says. An' they set down to a game iv what is +known at Peking as diplomacy, Hinnissy, but on Randolph sthreet viadock +is called the double dirty." + +"I don't believe wan wurrud iv what's in th' pa-apers about Chiny," said +Mr. Hennessy. + +"Well," said Mr. Dooley, "if ye believe annything ye'll believe +ivrything. 'Tis a grand contist that's goin' on between Westhren an' +Easthren civilliezation. 'Tis a joke iv me own, Hinnissy, an' +ye'd undherstand it if ye knew spellin. Th' Westhren civilization, +Hinnissy--that's us--is a pretty good liar, but he's a kind iv +rough-an'-tumble at it. He goes in head down, an' ivry lie he tells +looks like all th' others. Ye niver see an Englishman that had anny +judgment in lyin'. Th' corryspondint iv th' Daily Pail is out iv his +class. He's carryin' lies to Lieville. How in th' wurruld can we compete +with a counthry where ivry lab'rer's cottage projooces lies so delicate +that th' workmen iv th' West can't undherstand thim? We make our lies be +machinery; they tur-rn out theirs be hand. They imitate th' best iv our +canned lies to deceive people that likes that kind, but f'r artists they +have lies that appeals to a more refined taste. Sure I'd like to live +among thim an' find out th' kind iv bouncers they tell each other. They +must be gr-rand. I on'y know their export lies now--th' surplus lies +they can't use at home. An' th' kind they sind out ar-re betther thin +our best. Our lies is no more thin a conthradiction iv th' thruth; their +lies appeals to th' since iv honesty iv anny civilized man." + +"They can't hurt us with their lies," said Mr. Hennessy of our Western +civilization. "We have th' guns an' we'll bate thim yet." + +"Yes," said Mr. Dooley, "an' 'twill be like a man who's had his house +desthroyed be a cyclone gettin' up an' kickin' at th' air." + + + + +THE FUTURE OF CHINA + + +"Be th' time th' Chinese gets through with this here job o' theirs," +said Mr. Dooley, "they'll know a thing or two about good manners an' +Christyan idees." + +"They need thim," said Mr. Hennessy. + +"They do so," said Mr. Dooley. "An' they'll get thim. By an' by th' +allied foorces will proceed to Peking. It may not be in ye'er life time +or in mine, or in th' life time iv th' ministhers, Hinnissy. They ar-re +in no hurry. Th' ministhers ar-re as comfortable as they can be on a +dite iv polo ponies an' bamboo, an' they have exercise enough dodgin' +cannon balls to have no fear iv indygisthion. They'se no need of haste. +Th' allied foorces must take no step forward while wan ar-rmed foe +survives. It was rayported last week that th' advance had begun, but on +sindin' out scouts 'twas discovered that th' asphalt road to th' capital +was not r-ready an' th' gallant sojer boys was afraid to risk their +beecycles on a defictive pavement. Thin th' parlor cars ordhered be th' +Rooshan admiral has not arrived an' wan iv th' Frinch gin'rals lost an +omelette, or whativer 'tis they wear on their shouldhers, an' he won't +budge till it can be replaced fr'm Pahrs. A sthrong corps iv miners an' +sappers has gone ahead f'r to lo-cate good resthrants on th' line iv +march, but th' weather is cloudy an' th' silk umbrellys haven't +arrived, an' they'se supposed to be four hundhred millyon Chiny-men with +pinwheels an' Roman candles blockin' th' way, so th' advance has been +postponed indifinitely. Th' American foorces is r-ready f'r to start +immejately, but they ar-re not there yet. Th' British gin'ral is waitin' +f'r th' Victorya cross befure he does annything, an' th' Japanese an' +th' Rooshan is dancin' up an' down sayin' 'Afther you, me boy.'" + +"But afther awhile, whin th' frost is on th' pumpkin an' th' corn is in +th' shock, whin th' roads has been repaired, an' ivry gin'ral's lookin' +his best, an' in no danger iv a cold on th' chist, they'll prance away. +An' whin they get to th' city iv Peking a fine cillybration is planned +be th' mission'ries. I see th' programme in th' pa-aper: First day, +10 A.M., prayers be th' allied mission'ries; 1 P.M., massacree iv the +impress an' rile fam'ly; sicond day, 10 A.M., scatthrin' iv remains +iv former kings; 11 A.M., disecration iv graves gin'rally; 2 P.M., +massacree iv all gin'rals an' coort officials; third day, 12 noon, +burnin' iv Peking; foorth day, gran' pop'lar massacree an' division iv +territ'ry, th' cillybration to close with a rough-an'-tumble fight among +th' allies." + +"'Twill be a gr-reat occasion, Hinnissy, an' be-dad I'd like to be +there to see it. Ye can't go too sthrong again' th' Chinee. Me frind th' +impror iv Germany put it right. 'Brave boys,' says he, 'ye ar-re goin' +out now,' he says, 'f'r to carry th' light iv Christyanity,' he says, +'an' th' teachin's iv th' German Michael,' he says, 'to th' benighted +haythen beyant,' he says. 'Me an' Mike is watchin' ye' he says, 'an' we +ixpict ye to do ye'er duty,' he says. 'Through you,' he says, 'I propose +to smash th' vile Chinee with me mailed fist,' he says. 'This is no +six-ounce glove fight, but demands a lunch-hook done up in eight-inch +armor plate,' he says. 'Whin ye get among th' Chinee,' he says, +'raymimber that ye ar-re the van guard iv Christyanity,' he says, 'an' +stick ye'er baynet through ivry hated infidel ye see,' he says. 'Lave +thim undherstand what our westhren civilization means,' he says, 'an' +prod thim good an' hard,' he says. 'Open their heads with ye'er good +German swords to Eu-ropyan culture an' refinement,' he says. 'Spare no +man that wears a pigtail,' he says. 'An,' he says, 'me an' th' German +Michael will smile on ye as ye kick th' linin' out iv th' dhragon an' +plant on th' walls iv Peking th' banner,' he says, 'iv th' cross, an',' +he says, 'th' double cross,' he says. 'An' if be chance ye shud pick up +a little land be th' way, don't lave e'er a Frinchman or Rooshan take +it fr'm ye, or ye'll feel me specyal delivery hand on th' back iv ye'er +neck in a way that'll do ye no kind iv good. Hock German Michael,' he +says, 'hock me gran'father, hoch th' penny postage fist,' he says, 'hock +mesilf,' he says. An th' German impror wint back to his bedroom f'r to +wurruk on th' book he's goin' to br-ring out nex' year to take th' place +iv th' bible. + +"He's th' boy f'r me money. Whin th' German throops takes their part +in th' desthruction iv Peking they'll be none iv th' allied foorces 'll +stick deeper or throw th' backbone iv th' impress' ol' father higher +thin th' la-ads fr'm th' home iv th' sausage. I hope th' cillybration +'ll occur on Chris'mas day. I'd like to hear th' sojers singin' 'Gawd +r-rest ye, merry Chinnymen' as they punchered thim with a baynit." + +"'Twill be a good thing," said Mr. Hennessy. + +"It will that," said Mr. Dooley. + +"'Twill civilize th' Chinnymen," said Mr. Hennessy. + +"'Twill civilize thim stiff," said Mr. Dooley. "An' it may not be a bad +thing f'r th' r-rest iv th' wurruld. Perhaps contack with th' Chinee may +civlize th' Germans." + + + + +PLATFORM MAKING + + +"That sthrikes me as a gran' platform," said Mr. Hennessy. "I'm with it +fr'm start to finish." + +"Sure ye are," said Mr. Dooley, "an' so ye'd be if it begun: 'We +denounce Terence Hinnissy iv th' Sixth Ward iv Chicago as a thraitor +to his country, an inimy iv civilization, an' a poor thing.' Ye'd say: +'While there are wan or two things that might be omitted, th' platform +as a whole is a statesmanlike docymint, an' wan that appeals to th' +intelligince iv American manhood.' That's what ye'd say, an' that's what +all th' likes iv ye'd say. An' whin iliction day comes 'round th' on'y +question ye'll ast ye'ersilf is: 'Am I with Mack or am I with Billy +Bryan?' An accordin'ly ye'll vote." + +"'Tis always th' same way, an' all platforms is alike. I mind wanst whin +I was an alter-nate to th' county con-vintion--'twas whin I was a power +in pollytics an' th' on'y man that cud do annything with th' Bohemian +vote--I was settin' here wan night with a pen an' a pot iv ink befure +me, thryin' to compose th' platform f'r th' nex' day, f'r I was a lithry +man in a way, d'ye mind, an' I knew th' la-ads'd want a few crimps put +in th' raypublicans in a ginteel style, an' 'd be sure to call on me f'r +to do it. Well, I'd got as far down as th' tariff an' was thryin' f'r to +express me opinyon without swearin', whin who shud come in but Lafferty, +that was sicrety iv McMahon, that was th' Main Guy in thim days, but +aftherward thrun down on account iv him mixin' up between th' Rorkes an' +th' Dorseys. Th' Main Guy Down Town said he wudden't have no throuble +in th' ward, an' he declared McMahon out. McMahon had too much money +annyhow. If he'd kept on, dollar bills'd have been extinct outside iv +his house. But he was a sthrong man in thim days an' much liked." + +"Anyhow, Lafferty, that was his sicrety, come in, an' says he: 'What are +ye doin' there?' says he. 'Step soft,' says I; 'I am at wurruk,' I says. +'Ye shudden't do lithry wurruk on an empty stomach,' says he. 'I do +nawthin' on an empty stomach but eat,' says I. 'I've had me supper,' I +says. 'Go 'way,' says I, 'till I finish th' platform,' I says. 'What's +th' platform?' says he.'F'r th' county con-vintion,' says I. + +"Well, sir, he set down on a chair, an' I thought th' man was goin' to +die right there on the premises with laughter. 'Whin ye get through +with ye'er barkin',' says I, 'I'll throuble ye to tell me what ye may be +doin' it f'r,' I says. 'I see nawthin' amusin' here but ye'er prisince,' +I says, 'an' that's not a divvle iv a lot funnier than a wooden leg,' +I says, f'r I was mad. Afther awhile he come to, an' says he: 'Ye +don't raally think,' says he, 'that ye'll get a chanct to spring that +platform,' he says. 'I do,' says I. 'Why,' he says, 'the platform has +been adopted,' he says. 'Whin?' says I. 'Befure ye were born,' says he. +'In th' reign iv Bildad th' first,' says he--he was a larned man, was +Lafferty, though a dhrinkin' man. All sicreties iv pollyticians not in +office is dhrinkin' men, Hinnissy. 'Ive got th' copy iv it here in me +pocket,' he says. 'Th' boss give it to me to bring it up to date,' he +says. 'They was no sthrike last year an' we've got to put a sthrike +plank in th' platform or put th' prisident iv th' Lumber Shovers' union +on th' county board, an',' he says, 'they ain't room,' he says. + +"'Why,' says Lafferty, 'ye ought to know th' histhry iv platforms,' he +says. An' he give it to me, an' I'll give it to ye. Years ago, Hinnissy, +manny years ago, they was a race between th' dimmycrats an' th' +raypublicans f'r to see which shud have a choice iv principles. Th' +dimmycrats lost. I dinnaw why. Mebbe they stopped to take a dhrink. +Annyhow, they lost. Th' raypublicans come up an' they choose th' 'we +commind' principles, an' they was nawthin' left f'r the dimmycrats but +th' 'we denounce an' deplores.' I dinnaw how it come about, but th' +dimmycrats didn't like th' way th' thing shtud, an' so they fixed it +up between thim that whichiver won at th' iliction shud commind an' +congratulate, an' thim that lost shud denounce an' deplore. An' so it's +been, on'y the dimmycrats has had so little chanct f'r to do annything +but denounce an' deplore that they've almost lost th' use iv th' other +wurruds. + +"Mack sets back in Wash'nton an' writes a platform f'r th' comity on +risolutions to compose th' week afther. He's got a good job--forty-nine +ninety-two, sixty-six a month--an' 'tis up to him to feel good. +'I--I mean we,' he says, 'congratulate th' counthry on th' matchless +statesmanship, on-shrinkin' courage, steady devotion to duty an' +principle iv that gallant an' hon'rable leader, mesilf,' he says to his +sicrety. 'Take that,' he says, 'an' elaborate it,' he says. 'Ye'll find +a ditchnry on th' shelf near the dure,' he says, 'if ye don't think I've +put what I give ye sthrong enough,' he says. 'I always was,' he says, +'too retirin' f'r me own good,' he says. 'Spin out th' r-rest,' he says, +'to make about six thousan' wurruds,' he says, 'but be sure don't write +annything too hot about th' Boer war or th' Ph'lippeens or Chiny, or +th' tariff, or th' goold question, or our relations with England, or +th' civil sarvice,' he says. 'Tis a foolish man,' he says,'that throws +a hunk iv coal fr'm his own window at th' dhriver iv a brick wagon,' he +says." + +"But with Billy Bryan 'tis diff'rent. He's out in Lincoln, Neebrasky, +far fr'm home, an' he says to himsilf: 'Me throat is hoarse, an' I'll +exercise me other fac'lties,' he says. 'I'll write a platform,' he says. +An' he sets down to a typewriter, an' denounces an' deplores till th' +hired man blows th' dinner horn. Whin he can denounce an' deplore no +longer he views with alarm an' declares with indignation. An' he sinds +it down to Kansas City, where th' cot beds come fr'm." + +"Oh, ye're always pitchin' into some wan," said Mr. Hennessy. "I bet ye +Willum Jennings Bryan niver see th' platform befure it wint in. He's too +good a man." + +"He is all iv that," said Mr. Dooley. "But ye bet he knows th' rale +platform f'r him is: 'Look at th' bad breaks Mack's made,' an' Mack's +platform is: 'Ye'd get worse if ye had Billy Bryan.' An' it depinds on +whether most iv th' voters ar-re tired out or on'y a little tired who's +ilicted. All excipt you, Hinnissy. Ye'll vote f'r Bryan?" + +"I will," said Mr. Hennessy. + +"Well," said Mr. Dooley, "d'ye know, I suspicted ye might." + + + + +THE YACHT RACES + + +"In th' ol' times whin I was a yachtsman--" began Mr. Dooley. + +"Scowman," said Mr. Hennessy. + +"Yachtsman," said Mr. Dooley. "Whin I was a yachtsman, all a man needed +to race was a flat-bottomed boat, an umbrella, an' a long dhrink. In +thim days 'twas 'Up with th' mainsail an' out with th' jib, an' Cap'n +Jawn first to th' Lake View pumpin' station f'r th' see-gars.' Now 'tis +'Ho, f'r a yacht race. Lave us go an' see our lawyers.' 'Tis 'Haul away +on th' writ iv ne exeat,' an' 'Let go th' peak capias.' 'Tis 'Pipe all +hands to th' Supreme Coort.' 'Tis 'A life on th' boundin' docket an' a +home on th' rowlin' calendar.' Befure we die, Sir Lipton'll come over +here f'r that Cup again an' we'll bate him be gettin' out an overnight +injunction. What's th' use iv buildin' a boat that's lible to tip an' +spill us all into th' wet? Turn th' matther over to th' firm iv Wiggins, +Schultz, O'Mally, Eckstein, Wopoppski, Billotti, Gomez, Olson, an' +McPherson, an' lave us have th' law on him." + +"I don't suppose, Hinnissy, I ought to be gettin' off me little jokes +on a seeryous matther like this. What's it all about, says ye? Well, ye +see, 'tis this way. Wanst befure th' war some la-ad fr'm this counthry +took a boat acrost th' Atlantic an' run it again an English boat an' iv +coorse, he won, not bein' tied to th' dock, an' they give him a Cup. I +don't know why they give him a cup, but they give him a cup. He brought +it back here an' handed it to a yacht club, which is an assocyation, +Hinnissy, iv mimbers iv th' Bar. He says: 'Ye keep that cup on ye'er +mantle-piece an' if e'er an Englishman wants it, don't ye give it to +him.' Afther awhile, an Englishman that ownded a boat come afther th' +cup, an 'twas lave go altogether, an' th' las' man to th' line knows +what he is. He's an Englishman, iv coorse. That was all r-right too. But +th' time come whin th' lagal pro-fission took a hand in th' game. 'Look +here,' says they. 'Ye've vilated nearly all th' statues iv th' State +iv Noo Jarsey already,' they says, 'an' if ye ain't careful, ye'll be +hauled up f'r contimpt iv coort,' they says. So they took th' matther +in hand an' dhrew up th' r-right pa-apers. 'State iv Noo York, county +iv Cook, s. s. Know all men be these prisints. To all magisthrates an' +polis officers, greetin.' In re Sir Lipton again th' Cup. Ordhered that +if Sir Lipton shall secure said Cup fr'm aforesaid (which he won't) he +must build a boat as follows: Wan hundherd an' twinty chest, fifty-four +waist, hip an' side pockets, carryin' three hundherd an' sixty-three +thousan' cubic feet iv canvas; th' basement iv th' boat to be papered in +green with yellow flowered dado, open plumbin', steam heat throughout, +th' tinant to pay f'r all repairs. Be means iv this infernal machine, if +enable to kill off th' rile fam'ly, he will attimpt to cross th' stormy +Atlantic, an' if successful, will arrive at th' risidince iv th' party +of th' first part, said John Doe. Wanst there, he will consult with +mimbers iv th' Noo York Bar Association, who will lead him to a firm iv +competent expert accountants, who will give him his time, which is two +minyits measured be th' invarse ratio iv th' distance fr'm th' binnacle +to th' cook-stove, an' fr'm th' cook-stove, east be north to th' +bowspirit. He will thin take his foolish boat down th' bay, an' if he +keeps his health, he can rayturn to th' grocery business, f'r he's a +jolly good fellow which nobody can deny.' + +"Ye can see this, Hinnissy, that yachtin' has become wan iv thl larned +pro-fissions. 'Tis that that got th' la-ad fr'm Boston into it. They's a +jolly Jack Tar f'r ye. In dhrawin' up a lease or framin' a bond, no +more gallant sailor rides th' waves thin hearty Jack Larsen iv th' +Amalgamated Copper Yacht Club. 'What ho?' says he. 'If we're goin' to +have a race,' he says, 'shiver me timbers if I don't look up th' law,' +he says. So he become a yachtsman. 'But,' says th' Noo York la-ads, +thim that has th' Cup on their mantel-piece, 'Ye can race on'y on two +conditions.' 'What ar-re they?' says Larsen. 'Th' first is that ye +become a mimber iv our club.' 'With pleasure,' says he. 'Ye can't,' says +they. 'An' havin' complied with this first condition, ye must give us +ye'er boat,' says they. 'We don't want it,' they says. 'Th' terms suit +me entirely,' says Cap. Larsen. 'I'm a simple sailor man an' I'll give +ye me boat undher th' following conditions,' he says. 'First, that ye +won't take it; second, that ye'll paint me name on th' side iv it in +red letters, three feet high; third, that ye'll inthra-jooce me to th' +Prince iv Wales; foorth, that I'll sail it mesilf. Nawthin',' he says, +'wud give me gr-reater pleasure thin to have me handsome an' expinsive +raft in th' hands iv men who I wud considher it an honor to know,' he +says. 'An' so,' he says, 'I'll on'y ask ye to sign a bond an' lave a +small security, say about five hundherd thousan' dollars, in me hands +in case anny paint shud be knocked off me boat,' he says. 'Yachtin' is +a gintleman's spoort,' he says, 'an' in dalin' with gintlemen,' he says, +'ye can't be too careful,' he says." + +"What's Sir Lipton doin' all this time?" asked Mr. Hennessy. + +"He's preparin' his bond, makin' his will, an' goin' through th' other +lagal preliminaries iv th' race. He's built a boat too. Th' King of +England was aboord iv her, an' he was near killed, be havin' a mast +fall on him. Th' Lord knows how he escaped. A mass iv steel weighin' a +hundherd thousan' ton fell on his Majesty an' bounced off. Sir Lipton +felt pretty bad about it. He didn't mind losin' a mast or two, but he +didn't want annywan to know he had th' king aboord. 'Twud hurt business. +'Boys,' says he to th' rayporthers, 'th' King's on me yacht. D'ye hear +me? Th' King's on me yacht. But don't say annything about it. I don't +want to have it known. Don't print it onless ye have to, an' thin put it +in an inconspicuous place, like th' first page. He's here sure enough, +boys. Th' mast just fell on his Majesty. It nearly kilt him. I'm not +sure it didn't kill him. He remained perfectly cool throughout. So did +I. I was almost cold. So did both iv us. But, mind not a wurrud iv this +in th' pa-apers.' I don't know how th' rayporthers got hold iv it. But +they're a pryin' lot." + +"How did th' mast come to fall?" asked Mr. Hennessy, eagerly. "D'ye +suppose Sir Lipton is wan iv us?" + +"S-sh," said Mr. Dooley, adding, softly, "he was bor-rn in Limerick." + + + + +POLYGAMY + + +"How manny wives has this here man Roberts that's thryin' to break into +Congress?" Mr. Dooley asked. + +"I dinnaw," said Mr. Hennessy; "I nivver heerd iv him." + +"I think it's three," said Mr. Dooley. "No wondher he needs wurruk an' +is fightin' hard f'r th' job. I'm with him too, be hivens. Not that I'm +be taste or inclination a marryin' man, Hinnissy. They may get me to +th' altar some day. Th' best iv us falls, like Cousin George, an' there +ar-re designin' women in this very block that I have me own throubles +in dodgin'. But anny time ye hear iv me bein' dhrawn fr'm th' quite +miseries an' exclusive discomforts iv single life ye may know that they +have caught me asleep an' chloroformed me. It's thrue. But f'r thim that +likes it, it's all r-right, an' if a man's done something in his youth +that he has to do pinance f'r an' th' stations iv th' cross ain't +sthrong enough, lave him, says I, marry as manny women as he wants an' +live with them an' die contint. Th' Mormons thinks they ar-re commanded +be the Lord f'r to marry all th' ineligeable Swede women. Now, I don't +believe th' Lord iver commanded even a Mormon f'r to do annything +so foolish, an' if he did he wudden't lave th' command written on a +pie-plate an' burrid out there at Nauvoo, in Hancock county, Illinye. Ye +can bet on that, Hinnissy." + +"But if anny wan believes 'twas done, I say, lave him believe it an' +lave him clasp to his bosom as manny Olesons as 'll have him. Sure in +th' prisint state iv th' mathrimonyal market, as Hogan calls it, whin +he goes down to coort th' rich Widow O'Brien, th' la-ad that wants to +engage in interprises iv that sort ought to have a frind in ivry wan but +th' men that keeps imploymint agencies. + +"But no. Th' minyit a Mormon thries to break into a pollytical job, +a dillygation rises an' says they: 'What!' they says, 'permit this +polluted monsther f'r to invade th' chaste atmosphere,' they says, 'iv +th' house iv riprisintatives,' they says. 'Permit him f'r to parade his +fam'ly down Pinnsylvanya Av'noo an' block thraffic,' they says. +'Permit him mebbe to set in th' chair wanst occypied be th' laminted +Breckinridge,' they says. An' they proceed f'r to hunt th' poor, crowded +man. An' he takes a day off to kiss his wife fr'm house to house, an' +holds a meetin' iv his childher to bid thim good-by an' r-runs to hide +in a cave till th' dillygation raymimbers that they have husbands iv +their own an' goes home to cook th' supper. + +"A Mormon, Hinnissy, is a man that has th' bad taste an' th' rellijion +to do what a good manny other men ar-re restrained fr'm doin' be +conscientious scruples an' th' polis. I don't want anny wife; ye, +Hinnissy, ar-re satisfied, not to say con-tint, with wan; another la-ad +feels that he'd be lonesome without tin. 'Tis a matther iv disposition. +If iver I got started th' Lord on'y knows where I'd bring up. I might +be like me frind an' fellow-sultan, Hadji Mohammed. Hadji has wives +to burn, an' wanst in awhile he bur-rns wan. He has a betther job thin +Congressman." + +"Th' best a congressman can get is foorth-class postmasther an' a +look in at th' White House on visitin' day. But Hadji, th' pop'lar an' +iloquent sultan iv Sulu an' Bazeen iv th' Ohio iv th' Passyfic, owns his +own palace an' disthributes his own jobs. No man can hold th' office iv +bow-sthringer iv our impeeryal domain without a certy-ficate fr'm +Hadji. From th' highest office in th' land to th' lowest, fr'm th' chief +pizener to th' throne, to th' humblest ixicutioner that puts a lady in a +bag an' dumps her into th' lake in th' Nine Millionth Assimbly district +they look to Hadji Mohammed f'r their places. He is th' High Guy, th' +Main Thing. He's ivrybody. When he quits wurrk th' governmint is over +f'r th' day. An' does annywan thry to interfere with Hadji? Does annywan +say 'Hadji, ye'll have to abandon two or three hundherd iv ye 'er +firesides. Ye ar-re livin' jus' inside th' left field fince iv our +domain an' 'tis a rule iv th' game that we've taken ye into that no +wan shall have more thin wan wife at a time that annywan knows iv. In' +behalf iv th' comity iv th' Society f'r th' Supprission iv Poly-gamy, I +request ye to discard Nora an' Eileen an' Mary Ann an' Sue an' Bimbi +an' th' r-rest iv th' bunch, an' cleave on'y to Lucille. I judge be her +looks that she's th' first Missus Haitch.' + +"No, sir. If he did he'd reach th' ship that runs between our outlying +wards without a hair to his head. Instead iv reproachin' Hadji with +his domestic habits, wan iv th' envoys that ar-re imployed in carryin' +messages fr'm th' prisidint to his fellow-citizens, proceeds to th' +pretty little American village iv Sulu, where he finds Hadji settin' up +on a high chair surrounded be wives. 'Tis a domestic scene that'd make +Brigham Young think he was a bachelor. Hadji is smokin' a good seegar +an' occasionally histin' a dhrink iv cider, an' wan iv th' ladies +is playin' a guitar, an' another is singin' 'I want ye my Sulu,' an' +another is makin' a tidy, an' three or four hundred more ar-re sewin' +patches on th' pants iv th' Hadji kids. An' th' ambassadure he +says: 'Mos' rile an' luminous citizen, here is a copy iv th' Annual +Thanksgivin' pro-clamation,' he says. 'Tis addhressed to all th' hearty +husbandmen iv our belovid counthry, manin' you among others,' he says. +'An' here,' he says, 'is th' revised constitution,' he says. 'Th' +original wan,' he says, 'was intinded f'r ol' stick-in-th'-muds that +wudden't know th' difference between a harem an' a hoe,' he says. 'This +wan,' he says, 'is more suited f'r th' prisint gay an' expansive times,' +he says. 'It permits a man to cleave to as manny wives,' he says, 'as +his race, color, an' prevyous condition iv servitude will permit,' he +says. 'Thank ye kindly,' says Hadji, 'I'll threasure these here papers +as a vallyable meminto fr'm that far distant home iv mine which I have +niver see,' he says. 'I'd inthrojooce ye to Mrs. Hadji wan by wan,' +he says, 'but 'twud be betther,' he says, 'f'r to stand up here an' be +prisinted to her as a whole,' he says, 'f'r,' he says, ''tis growing +late an' I want ye to come up to th' house,' he says, 'an' pick a +mission'ry with me,' he says. 'A Baptist,' he says, 'raised on th' +farm,' he says. An' Hadji holds his job an' looks for'rard to th' day +whin we'll have female suffrage an' he can cast th' solid vote iv Sulu +for himsilf f'r prisident." + +"Thin," said Mr. Hennessy, "ye'er frind Roberts ought to move to +what-d'ye-call-th' place." + +"That's what I'm thinkin'," said Mr. Dooley. "But 'tis too bad f'r him +he was bor-rn at home." + + + + +PUBLIC FICKLENESS + + +Mr. Dooley put his paper aside and pushed his spectacles up on his +forehead. "Well," he said, "I suppose, afther all, we're th' mos' +lively nation in th' wurruld. It doesn't seem many months ago since ye, +Hinnissy, was down at th' depot cheerin' th' departin' heroes----" + +"I niver was," said Mr. Hennessey. "I stayed at home." + +"Since ye was down cheerin' th' departin' heroes," Mr. Dooley continued, +"an' thryin' to collect what they owed ye. Th' papers was full iv news +iv th' war. Private Jawn Thomas Bozoom iv Woonsocket, a mimber iv th' +gallant an' devoted Wan Hundhred an' Eighth Rhode Island, accidentally +slipped on a orange peel while attimptin' to lave th' recruitin' office +an' sustained manny con-tu-sions. He rayfused to be taken home an' +insisted on jinin' his rig'mint at th' rayciption in th' fair groun's. +Gallant Private Bozoom! That's th' stuff that American heroes ar-re made +iv. Ye find thim at th' forge an' at th' plough, an' dhrivin' sthreet +cars, an' ridin' in th' same. The favored few has th' chanst to face th' +bullets iv th'inimy. 'Tis f'r these unknown pathrites to prove that a +man can sarve his counthry at home as well as abroad. Private Bozoom +will not be f'rgot be his fellow-counthrymen. A rayciption has been +arranged f'r him at th' Woonsocket op'ry-house, an' 'tis said if he will +accipt it, th' vote iv th' State iv Rhode Island'll be cast f'r him f'r +prisidint. 'Tis at such times as this that we reflict that th' wurruld +has wurruk f'r men to do, an' mere politicians mus' retire to th' rear." + +"That was a few months ago. Where's Bozoom now? If iver ye go to +Woonsocket, Hinnissy, which Gawd f'rbid, ye'll find him behind th' +counther iv th' grocery store ladlin' out rutabaga turnips into a brown +paper cornucopy an' glad to be alive. An' 'tis tin to wan, an' more thin +that, that th' town humorist has named him th' orange-peel hero, an' +he'll go to his grave with that name. Th' war is over an' th' state iv +war exists. If ye saw a man fall fr'm th' top iv a tin-story buildin' +'twud startle ye, wanst. If it happened again, 'twud surprise ye. But +if ye saw a man fall ivry fifteen minyits ye'd go home afther awhile f'r +supper an' ye wuddent even mintion it to ye'er wife." + +"I don't know how manny heroes they ar-re in th' Philippeens. Down there +a man is ayether a sojer or a casualty. Bein' a casualty is no good. I +cud say about a man: 'He was a hero in th' war with Spain,' but how can +I say: 'Shake hands with Bill Grady, wan iv th' ladin' casualties iv our +late war?' 'Twud be no more thin to say he was wan iv th' gallant men +that voted f'r prisidint in 1896.'" + + +{Illustration} + + +"No, Hinnissy, people wants novelties in war. Th' war fashions iv 1898 +is out iv style. They ar-re too full in th' waist an' too long in th' +skirt. Th' style has changed. There ar-re fifty thousand backward men +in th' fair isles iv th' Passyfic fightin' to free th' Philippeen +fr'm himsilf an' becomin' a casualty in th' operation, but no one is +charterin' ar-rmy hospital ships f'r thim." + +"No one is convartin' anny steam yachts f'r thim. No wan is sindin' +eighty tons iv plum puddin' to complete th' wurruk iv destruction. They +ar-re in a war that'd make th' British throops in Africa think they were +drillin' f'r a prize banner. But'tis an onfashionable war.' 'Tis an ol' +war made over fr'm garments formerly worn be heroes. Whin a man is out +in th' counthry with wan newspaper an' has read th' authentic +dispatches fr'm Ladysmith an' Harrismith an' Willumaldensmith an' +Mysteriousbillysmith an' the meetin' iv th' czar iv Rooshia with th' +Impror Willum an' th' fire in th' packin' house an' th' report iv th' +canal thrustees an' th' fightin' news an' th' want ads, an' afther he +has r-read thim over twinty times he looks at his watch an' says he, +'Holy smoke, 'tis two hours to thrain time an' I suppose I'll have to +r-read th' news fr'm th' Philippeens.' War, be hivins, is so common that +I believe if we was to take on a fight with all th' wurruld not more +thin half th' popylation iv New England'd die iv hear-rt disease befure +they got into th' cellars." + +"Th' new style iv war is made in London an' all our set is simply +stuck on it. Th' casualties in th' Philippeens can walk home, but is it +possible that many thrue an' well-dhressed American can stand to see +th' signs iv th' ancient British aristocracy taken care iv be their own +gover'mint? 'What,' says Lady what's-her-name (her that was th' daughter +iv wan iv our bravest an' best racontoors). 'What.' she says, 'will anny +American woman residin' in London see men shot down,' she says, 'that +has but recently played polo in our very sight,' she says, 'an' be +brought home in mere thransports,' she says. 'Ladies,' she says, 'lave +us equip a hospital ship,' she says. 'I thrust,' she says, 'that all +iv us has been long enough fr'm home to f'rget our despicable domestic +struggles,' she says, 'an' think on'y iv humanity,' she says. An' whin +she opens up th' shop f'r subscriptions ye'd think fr'm th' crowd that +'twas th' first night iv th' horse show. I don't know what Lem Stiggins +iv Kansas, marked down in th' roll, Private in th' Twintieth Kansas, +Severely, I don't know what Private Severely thinks iv it. An' I wuddent +like to know till afther Thanks-givin'." + +"Don't be blatherin'," said Mr. Hennessy. "Sure ye can't ixpict people +to be inthrested f'river in a first performance." + +"No," said Mr. Dooley, "but whin th' audjeence gives th' comp'ny an +encore it ought at laste to pretind that it's not lavin' f'r th' other +show." + + + + +KENTUCKY POLITICS + + +"If th' Presidint doesn't step in an' interfere," said Mr. Hennessy, +"they'll be bloodshed in Kentucky." + +"What business is it iv Mack's?" Mr. Dooley protested. "Th' war's in +this counthry, man alive! If 'twas in Boolgahria or Chiny or on th' +head waters iv th' Bozoon river in th' sooltynate iv--iv--I dinnaw +what--thin'twud be th' jooty iv our gover'mint f'r to resolve that th' +inthrests iv humanity an' civilization an' th' advancement iv th' human +kind required that we shud step in an' put a head on wan or both iv th' +parties. But they'se no reason now, me boy, f'r us to do annything, +f'r these are our own people, an' 'tis wan iv their rights, undher th' +martial law that's th' foundation iv our institutions, to bate each +other to death whiniver an' whereiver they plaze. 'Twud be all r-right +f'r the Impror Willum to come in an' take a hand, but Gawd help him if +he did, or th' Prsidint iv th' Fr-rinch or th' Impror iv Chiny. 'Twud be +all r-right f'r thim. An' though we might meet thim at th' dure an' hand +thim wan f'r their impydince, we'd be in th' wrong. Twud be a good job +f'r Aggynaldoo, too, if he cud find himsilf an' had th' time It must be +clear to him be what news he hears whin th' other pigrim father, Sinitor +Hoar, calls on him in th' three where he makes his home, that what +Kentucky needs now is wan an' on'y wan stable govermint an' a little +public peace. He might restore peace at home an' abroad be cuttin' in, +but th' poor la-ad has other things to think iv. I'd like to see him. It +must be near a year since he had a shave or a hair cut, barrin' ridges +made be bullets as he cleared th' fences." + +"It looks to me as though th' raypublican is wr-rong," said Mr. +Hennessy, with the judicial manner of a man without prejudices. + +"Iv coorse he's wrong," said Mr. Dooley. "He starts wrong. An' th' +dimmycrats ar-re r-right. They're always r-right. Tis their position. +Th' dimmycrats ar-re right an' the raypublicans has th' jobs. It all +come up because our vinerated party, Hinnissy, ain't quick at th' count. +Man an' boy I've taken an intherest in politics all me life, an' I find +th' on'y way to win an iliction is to begin f'r to count th' minyit +ye've completed th' preliminaries iv closin' th' polls an' killin' th' +other judges an' clerks. + +"Th' dimmycrats counted, but th' count come too late. Be th' time th' +apparent an' hidjous majority iv th' raypublicans was rayjooced to +nawthin' an' a good liberal, substantial, legal an' riotous dimmycratic +majority put in its place be ordher iv th' coorts, th' commonwealth iv +Kentucky an' Jack Chinn, th' raypublican has been so long in th'job an' +has become so wedded to it that ye cuddent shake him out with a can +iv joynt powdher. It seems to him that there niver was a time whin he +wasn't gov'nor." + +{Illustration} + +"Th' dimmycrats get together an' call on that learned an' incorruptible +joodishary that's done so much to ilivate the party into high office, +an' whin th' dure iv th' saloon is locked they say 'Bill,' they say, +'we're bein' robbed iv our suffrage,' says they. 'Th' hated enimy has +stolen th' ballot an' thrampled on th' r-rights iv th' citizens,' says +they, 'in the southern part iv th' state faster thin we cud undo their +hellish wurruk in our own counties,' they says. 'They now hol' th' +jobs,' they say, 'an' if they stay in they'se no more chanst iv iver +ilictin' a dimmycrat again thin there wud be iv ilictin' a raypublican +if we got in,' they say. 'Do ye mix us up a replevy writ an' we'll go +over an' haul th' chair fr'm undher thim,' they say." + +"So th' judge passes out a replevy writ be vartue iv th' thrust that's +been reposed in him be th' comity and gives it to Colonel Jack Chinn, +wan iv th' leaders iv th' Kentucky bar, f'r to serve. An' Colonel Jack +Chinn ar-rms himsilf as becomes a riprisintative iv a gr-reat coort +goin' to sarve a sacred writ iv replevy on th' usurper to th' loftiest +or wan iv th' loftiest jobs that th' people iv a gloryous state can +donate to a citizen. He sthraps on three gatlin' guns, four revolvers, +two swords, a rifle, a shot gun, a baseball bat, a hand grenade (to be +used on'y in case iv thirst), a pair iv handcuffs, brass knuckles, a +sandbag, a piece of lead pipe in a stockin', a rabbit's foot f'r luck, +a stove lid an' a can iv dinnymite, an' with siveral iv his cillybrated +knives behind his ears, in his hair, between his teeth, an' gleamin' +fr'm his pockets, he sallies forth on his sacred mission, an' gives +th' writ to a clerk to sarve, an' stays in town himsilf, where he +successfully resists all charges iv th' bartinder. Th' clerk goes up to +th' state house, where th' gov'nor is ixicutin' th' high thrust reposed +in him be himsilf, behind breastworks an' guarded be some iv th' most +desp'rate an' pathriotic ruffyans in th' state. 'What have ye there?' +says his ixcillincy, with his hand on th' sthring iv a dinnymite gun. 'A +writ fr'm th' coort bouncin' ye fr'm ye'er high office,' says th' +clerk. 'As a law abidin' citizen,' says his ixcillincy, 'an' an official +enthrusted be th' people iv this glad state with th' exicution iv th' +statutes I bow to th' law,' he says. 'But,' he says, 'I'll be hanged +if I'll bow to th' decree iv anny low browed pussillanimous dimmycratic +coort,' he says, 'Sojers,' he says, 'seize this disturber iv th' peace +an' stick him in th' cellar. Jawn,' he says, 'ar-rm ye'ersilf an' +proceed to th' raypublican timple iv justice in Hogan's saloon an' have +th' stanch an' upright Judge Blood prepare some good honest writs iv +th' party iv Lincoln an' Grant,' he says. 'In th' manetime, as th' +constitootion has lost its sights an' the cylinder don't revolve,' he +says, 'I suspind it an' proclaim martial law,' he says. 'I want a law,' +he says, 'that mesilf an' all other good citizens can rayspict,' he +says. 'I want wan,' he says, 'that's been made undher me own personal +supervision,' he says. 'Hand-made, copper distilled, wan hun-dherd an' +tin proof martial law ought to be good enough for anny Kentuckyan,' he +says. So th' next ye hear th' sojers ar-re chasin' th' coorts out iv +th' state, th' legislature is meetin' in Duluth, Pinsacola, an' Bangor, +Maine, an' a comity iv citizens consistin' iv some iv the best gun +fighters iv th' state ar-re meetin' to decide how th' conthroversay can +be decided without loss iv blood or jobs. While they're in session th' +gov'nor is in contimpt iv coort, the coorts ar-re in contimpt iv th' +gov'nor, an' if annybody but Tiddy Rosenfclt has anny other feelin' f'r +ayether iv thim I haven't heerd him speak." + +"They ought to fire out the raypublican," said Mr. Hennessy. "Sure 'tis +comin' to a nice state iv affairs whin th' likes iv him can defy the +coorts." + +"Thrue f'r ye," said Mr. Dooley. "But I don't like th' looks iv it fr'm +our side iv th' house. Whiniver a dimmycrat has to go to coort to win +an iliction I get suspicious. They'se something wr-rong in Kentucky, +Hinnissy. We were too slow. Th' inimy got th' first cheat." + + + + +YOUNG ORATORY + + +"They'se wan thing that this counthry ought to be thankful f'r," said +Mr. Dooley, laying down his paper, "an' that is that we still have a lot +iv young an' growin' orators f'r to lead us on." + +"Who's been oratin' now?" Mr. Hennessy asked. + +"Me young frind Sinitor Beveridge, th' child orator iv Fall Creek. This +engagin' an' hopeful la-ad first made an impression with his eloquince +at th' age iv wan whin he addhressed a meetin' iv th' Tippecanoe club on +th' issues iv th' day. At th' age iv eight he was illicted to th' United +States Sinit, rayjoocin' th' average age iv that body to ninety-three +years. In th' sinit, bein' a modest child, he rayfused to speak f'r five +minyits, but was fin'lly injooced f'r to make a few thousan' remarks on +wan iv th' subjects now much discussed by orators whin th' dures ar-re +closed an' th' fire escapes broken." + +"His subject was th' Ph'lippeens, an' he said he'd just come fr'm there. +'I have cruised,' he says, 'f 'r two thousan' miles through th' Ar-rchey +Pelago--that's a funny name--ivry minyit a surprise an' delight to those +that see me,' he says. 'I see corn growin' on banana threes; I see th' +gloryous heights iv Ding Dong that ar-re irradyatin'. civilization like +quills upon th' fretful porcypine,' he says. 'I see rice, coffee, rolls, +cocoanuts, choice seegars, oats, hay, hard and soft coal, an' Gen'ral +Otis--an' there's a man that I rayspict,' he says. 'I see flowers +bloomin' that was superyor to anny conservatory in Poolasky county,' +he says. 'I see th' low and vicious inhabitants iv th' counthry soon, I +thrust, to be me fellow-citizens, an' as I set there an' watched th' sea +rollin' up its uncounted millyons iv feet iv blue wather, an' th' stars +sparklin' like lamp-posts we pass in th' night, as I see th' mountains +raisin' their snow-capped heads f'r to salute th' sun, while their feet +extinded almost to th' place where I shtud; whin I see all th' glories +iv that almost, I may say, thropical clime, an' thought what a good +place this wud be f'r to ship base-burnin' parlor stoves, an' men's +shirtings to th' accursed natives iv neighborin' Chiny, I says to +mesilf, 'This is no mere man's wurruk. A Higher Power even than Mack, +much as I rayspict him, is in this here job. We cannot pause, we cannot +hesitate, we cannot delay, we cannot even stop! We must, in other +wurruds, go on with a holy purpose in our hearts, th' flag over our +heads an' th' inspired wurruds iv A. Jeremiah Beveridge in our ears,' he +says. An' he set down." + +"Well, sir,'twas a gr-reat speech. 'Twas a speech ye cud waltz to. Even +younger men thin Sinitor Beveridge had niver made grander orations. Th' +throuble is th' sinit is too common f'r such magnificent sintimints; +its too common and its too old. Th' young la-ad comes fr'm home, where's +he's paralyzed th' Lithry Society an' th' Debatin' Club, an' he loads +himsilf up with a speech an' he says to himsilf: 'Whin I begin peggin' +ar-round a few iv these vilets I'll make Ol' Hoar look like confederate +money,' an' th' pa-apers tell that th' Infant Demostheens iv Barry's +Junction is about f'r to revive th oratorical thraditions iv th' sinit +an' th' fire department comes up f'r a week, an' wets down th' capitol +buildin'. Th' speech comes off, they ain't a dhry eye in th' House, an' +th' pa-apers say: 'Where's ye'er Dan'l Webster an' ye'er Champ Clark, +now?' An' th' young man goes away an' has his pitchers took on a +kinetoscope. He has a nice time while it lasts, Hinnissy, but it +don't las' long. It don't las' long. Th' la-ad has th' wind, but it's +endurance that counts." + +"Th' wise ol' boys with their long whiskers discusses him over th' +sivin-up game, an' says wan iv thim: 'What ye think iv th' kid's +speech?' ''Twas a good speech,' says th' other. 'It carries me back to +me own boyhood days. I made a speech just like that durin' th' Mexican +War. Oh, thim days, thim days! I lead th' ace, Mike.' An' afther awhile +th' Boy Demostheens larns that while he's polishin' off his ipigrams, +an' ol' guy, that spinds all his time sleepin' on a bench, is polishin' +him off. Th' man that sinds seeds to his constitooents lasts longer thin +th' wan that sinds thim flowers iv iloquence, an' though th' hand iv +Gawd may be in th' Ph'lippeen question, it hasn't interfered up to date +in th' sergeant-at-arms question. An' whin th' young man sees this he +says, 'sky,' whin he means 'sky' an' not 'th' jooled canopy iv +hiven,' an' he says, 'Ph'lippeens,' an' not 'th' gloryous isles iv +th' Passyfic,' an' bein' onto th' character iv his fellow-sinitors, +he mintions nobody higher in their prisence thin th' steward iv th' +capitol. An' he niver makes a speech but whin he wants to smoke, an' +thin he moves that th' sinit go into executive session. Thin he's a rale +sinitor. I've seen it manny's th' time--th' boy orator goin' into th' +sinit, an' comin' out a deef mute. I've seen a man that made speeches +that was set to music an' played be a silver cornet band in Ioway that +hadn't been in Congress f'r a month befure he wudden't speak above a +whisper or more thin an inch fr'm ye'er ear." + +"Do ye think Hiven sint us to th' Ph'lippeens?" Mr. Hennessy asked. + +"I don't know," said Mr. Dooley, "th' divvle take thim." + + + + +PUBLIC GRATITUDE + + +"This man Dewey--," began Mr. Dooley. + +"I thought he was ye'er cousin George," Mr. Hennessy interrupted. + +"I thought he was," said Mr. Dooley, "but on lookin' closer at his +features an' r-readin' what th' pa-apers says about him, I am convinced +that I was wrong. Oh, he may be a sicond cousin iv me Aunt Judy. I'll +not say he ain't. There was a poor lot, all iv them. But I have no close +rilitives in this counthry. 'Tis a way I have of savin' a little money. +I'm like th' good an' gr-rateful American people. Th' further ye +stay away fr'm thim th' more they like ye. Sicond-cousin-iv-me +Aunt-Judy-George made a mistake comin' home, or if he did come home he +ought've invistigated his welcome and see that it wasn't mined. A man +cud stand up all day an' lave Packy Mountjoy whale away at him, but th' +affiction iv th' American people is always aimed thrue an' is invaryably +fatal." + +"Th' la-ad Dougherty was in to-day, an' he exprissed th' feelin's iv +this grateful raypublic. He says, says he, 'This fellow Dewey ain't what +I thought he was,' he says. 'I thought he was a good, broad, lib'ral +man, an' it turns out he's a cheap skate,' he says. 'We made too much +fuss over him,' he says. 'To think,' he says, 'iv him takin' th' +house we give him an' tur-rnin' it over to his wife,' he says. ''Tis +scand'lous,' he says. 'How much did ye con-thribute?' says I. 'I didn't +give annything,' he says 'The collector didn't come around, an' I'm glad +now I hung on to me coin,' he says. 'Well,' says I, 'I apprechate ye'er +feelin's,' I says. 'Ye agree with th' other subscribers,' I says. 'But +I've med up me mind not to lave annywan talk to me about Dewey,' I +says, 'unless,' I says, 'he subscribed th' maximum amount iv th' +subscription,' I says, 'thirty-eight cints,' I says. 'So I'll thank ye +to tip-toe out,' I says, 'befure I give ye a correct imitation iv Dewey +an' Mountjoy at th' battle of Manila,' I says. An' he wint away." + +"Th' throuble with Dewey is he was so long away he lost his +undherstanding iv th' thrue feelin' iv th' American people. George +r-read th' newspapers, an' he says to himself: 'Be hivins, they think +well iv what I done. I guess I'll put a shirt in me thrunk an' go home, +f'r 'tis hot out here, an' ivrybody'll be glad f'r to see me,' he says. +An' he come along, an' New York was r-ready f'r him. Th' business in +neckties had been poor that summer, an' they was necessity f'r pullin' +it together, an' they give George a welcome an' invited his admirers +fr'm th' counthry to come in an' buy something f'r th' little wans at +home. An' he r-rode up Fifth Avnoo between smilin' rows iv hotels an' +dhrug stores, an' tin-dollar boxes an' fifty-cint seats an' he says to +himsilf: 'Holy smoke, if Aggynaldoo cud on'y see me now.' An' he was +proud an' happy, an' he says: 'Raypublics ar-re not always ongrateful.' +An' they ain't. On'y whin they give ye much gratichood ye want to freeze +some iv it, or it won't keep." + +"'Tis unsafe f'r anny man alive to receive th' kind wurruds that ought +to be said on'y iv th' dead. As long as George was a lithograph iv +himsilf in a saloon window he was all r-right. Whin people saw he cud +set in a city hall hack without flowers growin' in it an' they cud look +at him without smoked glasses they begin to weaken in their devotion. +'Twud've been th' same, almost, if he'd married a Presbyteeryan an' +hadn't deeded his house to his wife. 'Dewey don't look much like a +hero,' says wan man. 'I shud say not,' says another. 'He looks like +annybody else.' 'He ain't a hero,' says another. 'Why, annybody cud've +done what he did. I got an eight-year-old boy, an' if he cudden't take a +baseball club an' go in an' bate that Spanish fleet into junk in twinty +minyits I'd call him Alger an' thrade him off f'r a bicycle,' he says. +'I guess that's r-right. They say he was a purty tough man befure he +left Wash'n'ton.' 'Sure he was. Why, so-an'-so-an'-so-an'-so.' 'Ye don't +tell me!' 'Is there annything in that story about his beatin' his poor +ol' aunt an' her iliven childher out iv four dollars?' 'I guess that's +straight. Ye can tell be th' looks iv him he's a mean man. I niver see +a man with squintin' eyes an' white hair that wudden't rob a church!' +'He's a cow'rd, too. Why, he r-run away at th' battle iv Manila. +Ivrybody knows it. I r-read what Joe What's-His-Name wrote--th' br-rave +corryspondint. He says this feller was sick at his stummick an' retired +befure th' Spanish fire. Why, what'd he have to fight but a lot iv ol' +row-boats? A good swimmer with sharp teeth cud've bit his way through +th' whole Spanish fleet. An' he r-run away. I tell ye, it makes me tired +to think iv th' way we abused th' Spanyards not long ago. Why, say, +they done a lot betther thin this fellow Dewey, with his forty or fifty +men-iv-war an' this gran' nation, miles away, standin' shoulder to +shoulder at his back. They niver tur-rned over their property to their +wives.' 'Yes,' says wan man, 'Dewey was a cow'rd. Let's go an' stone his +house.' 'No,' says the crowd, 'he might come out. Let's go down to th' +v'riety show an' hiss his pitcher in th' kinetoscope.' Well!'" + +"Well what?" demanded Mr. Hennessy. + +"Well," Mr. Dooley continued, "I was on'y goin' to say, Hinnissy, that +in spite iv me hathred iv George as a man--a marrid man--an' me contimpt +f'r his qualities as a fighter, in spite iv th' chickens he has stole +an' the notes he has forged an' th' homes he has rooned, if he was +to come r-runnin' up Archey road, as he might, pursooed be ladies an' +gintlemen an' th' palajeem iv our liberties peltin him with rotten eggs +an' ol' cats, I'd open th' dure f'r him, an' whin he come in I'd put me +fut behind it an' I'd say to th' grateful people: 'Fellow-citizens,' I'd +say, 'lave us,' I'd say. 'They'se another hero down in Halstead Sthreet +that's been marrid. Go down an' shivaree him. An' you, me thrusted +collagues iv th' press, disperse to ye'er homes,' I'd say. 'Th' keyholes +is closed f'r th' night, I'd say. An' thin I'd bolt th' dure an' I'd +say, 'George, take off ye'er coat an' pull up to th' fire. Here's a +noggin' iv whisky near ye'er thumb an' a good seegar f'r ye to smoke. +I'm no hero-worshiper. I'm too old. But I know a man whin I see wan, an' +though we cudden't come out an' help ye whin th' subscription list wint +wild, be sure we think as much iv ye as we did whin ye'er name was first +mintioned be th' stanch an' faithful press. Set here, ol' la-ad, an' +warrum ye'er toes by th' fire. Set here an' r-rest fr'm th' gratichood +iv ye'er fellow-counthrymen, that, as Shakspere says, biteth like an +asp an' stingeth like an adder. R-rest here, as ye might r-rest at th' +hearth iv millyons iv people that cud give ye no house but their own!" + +"I dinnaw about that," said Mr. Hennessy. "I like Dewey, but I think he +oughtn't to've give away th' gift iv th' nation." + +"Well," said Mr. Dooley, "if 'twas a crime f'r an American citizen to +have his property in his wife's name they'd be close quarthers in th' +pinitinchry." + + + + +MARRIAGE AND POLITICS + + +"I see," said Mr. Hennessy, "that wan iv thim New York joods says a man +in pollytics oughtn't to be marrid." + +"Oh, does he?" said Mr. Dooley. + +"Well, 'tis little he knows about it. A man in pollytics has got to be +marrid. If he ain't marrid where'll he go f'r another kind iv throuble? +An' where'll he find people to support? An unmarrid man don't get along +in pollytics because he don't need th' money. Whin he's in th' middle iv +a prim'ry, with maybe twinty or thirty iv th' opposite party on top +iv him, thinks he to himsilf: 'What's th' good iv fightin' f'r a job? +They'se no wan depindant on me f'r support,' an' he surrinders. But a +marrid man says: 'What'll happen to me wife an' twelve small childher if +I don't win out here today?' an' he bites his way to th' top iv th' pile +an' breaks open th' ballot box f'r home and fireside. That's th' thruth +iv it, Hinnissy. Ye'll find all th' big jobs held be marrid men an' all +th' timpry clerkships be bachelors." + +"Th' reason th' New York jood thinks marrid men oughtn't to be in +pollytics is because he thinks pollytics is spoort. An' so it is. But +it ain't amachoor spoort, Hinnissy. They don't give ye a pewter mug with +ye'er name on it f'r takin' a chanst on bein' kilt. 'Tis a profissional +spoort, like playin' base-ball f'r a livin' or wheelin' a thruck. Ye +niver see an amachoor at annything that was as good as a profissional. +Th' best amachoor ball team is beat be a bad profissional team; a +profissional boxer that thrains on bock beer an' Swiss cheese can lam +the head off a goold medal amachoor champeen that's been atin' moldy +bread an' dhrinkin' wather f'r six months, an' th' Dago that blows th' +cornet on th' sthreet f'r what annywan 'll throw him can cut the figure +eight around Dinnis Finn, that's been takin' lessons f'r twinty year. +No, sir, pollytics ain't dhroppin' into tea, an' it ain't wurrukin' a +scroll saw, or makin' a garden in a back yard. 'Tis gettin' up at six +o'clock in th' mornin' an' r-rushin' off to wurruk, an' comin' home at +night tired an' dusty. Double wages f'r overtime an' Sundahs." + +"So a man's got to be marrid to do it well. He's got to have a wife at +home to make him oncomfortable if he comes in dhrunk, he's got to +have little prattlin' childher that he can't sind to th' Young Ladies' +academy onless he stuffs a ballotbox properly, an' he's got to have a +sthrong desire f'r to live in th' av'noo an' be seen dhrivin' downtown +in an open carredge with his wife settin' beside him undher a r-red +parasol. If he hasn't these things he won't succeed in pollytics--or +packin' pork. Ye niver see a big man in pollytics that dhrank hard, +did ye? Ye never will. An' that's because they're all marrid. Th' +timptation's sthrong, but fear is sthronger." + +"Th' most domestic men in th' wurruld ar-re politicians, an' they always +marry early. An' that's th' sad part iv it, Hinnissy. A pollytician +always marries above his own station. That's wan sign that he'll be a +successful pollytician. Th' throuble is, th' good woman stays planted +just where she was, an' he goes by like a fast thrain by a whistlin' +station. D'ye mind O'Leary, him that's a retired capitalist now, him +that was aldherman, an' dhrainage thrustee, an' state sinitor f'r wan +term? Well, whin I first knew O'Leary he wurruked down on a railroad +section tampin' th' thrack at wan-fifty a day. He was a sthrong, willin' +young fellow, with a stiff right-hand punch an' a schamin' brain, +an' anny wan cud see that he was intinded to go to th' fr-ront. Th' +aristocracy iv th' camp was Mrs. Cassidy, th' widdy lady that kept th' +boordin'-house. Aristocracy, Hinnissy, is like rale estate, a matther +iv location. I'm aristocracy to th' poor O'Briens back in th' alley, th' +brewery agent's aristocracy to me, his boss is aristocracy to him, an' +so it goes, up to the czar of Rooshia. He's th' pick iv th' bunch, th' +high man iv all, th' Pope not goin' in society. Well, Mrs. Cassidy was +aristocracy to O'Leary. He niver see such a stylish woman as she was +whin she turned out iv a Sundah afthernoon in her horse an' buggy. He'd +think to himsilf, 'If I iver can win that I'm settled f'r life,' an' iv +coorse he did. 'Twas a gran' weddin'; manny iv th' guests didn't show up +at wurruk f'r weeks." + +"O'Leary done well, an' she was a good wife to him. She made money an' +kept him sthraight an' started him for constable. He won out, bein' a +sthrong man. Thin she got him to r-run f'r aldher-man, an' ye shud've +seen her th' night he was inaugurated! Be hivins, Hinnissy, she looked +like a fire in a pawnshop, fair covered with dimons an' goold watches +an' chains. She was cut out to be an aldherman's wife, and it was worth +goin' miles to watch her leadin' th' gran' march at th' Ar-rchy Road +Dimmycratic Fife an' Dhrum Corps ball." + +"But there she stopped. A good woman an' a kind wan, she cudden't go +th' distance. She had th' house an' th' childher to care f'r an' her +eddy-cation was through with. They isn't much a woman can learn afther +she begins to raise a fam'ly. But with O'Leary 'twas diffrent. I say +'twas diff'rent with O'Leary. Ye talk about ye'er colleges, Hinnissy, +but pollytics is th' poor man's college. A la-ad without enough book +larnin' to r-read a meal-ticket, if ye give him tin years iv polly-tical +life, has th' air iv a statesman an' th' manner iv a jook, an' cud take +anny job fr'm dalin' faro bank to r-runnin th' threasury iv th' +United States. His business brings him up again' th' best men iv th' +com-munity, an' their customs an' ways iv speakin' an' thinkin' an +robbin' sticks to him. Th' good woman is at home all day. Th' on'y +people she sees is th' childher an' th' neighbors. While th' good man in +a swallow-tail coat is addhressin' th' Commercial club on what we shud +do f'r to reform pollytics, she's discussin' th' price iv groceries with +th' plumber's wife an' talkin' over th' back fince to the milkman. Thin +O'Leary moves up on th' boolyvard. He knows he'll get along all r-right +on th' boolyvard. Th' men'll say: 'They'se a good deal of rugged common +sinse in that O'Leary. He may be a robber, but they's mighty little that +escapes him.' But no wan speaks to Mrs. O'Leary. No wan asts her opinion +about our foreign policy. She sets day in an' day out behind th' dhrawn +curtains iv her three-story brownstone risidence prayin' that somewan'll +come in an' see her, an if annywan comes she's frozen with fear. An' +'tis on'y whin she slips out to Ar-rchey r-road an' finds th' plumber's +wife, an' sets in th' kitchen over a cup iv tay, that peace comes to +her. By an' by they offer O'Leary th' nommynation f'r congress. He knows +he's fit for it. He's sthronger thin th' young lawyer they have now. +People'll listen to him in Wash'nton as they do in Chicago. He says: +'I'll take it.' An' thin he thinks iv th' wife an' they's no Wash'nton +f'r him. His pollytical career is over. He wud niver have been constable +if he hadn't marrid, but he might have been sinitor if he was a +widower." + +"Mrs. O'Leary was in to see th' Dargans th' other day. 'Ye mus' be very +happy in ye'er gran' house, with Mr. O'Leary doin' so well,' says Mrs. +Dargan. An' th' on'y answer th' foolish woman give was to break down an' +weep on Mrs. Dargan's neck." + +"Yet ye say a pollytician oughtn't to get marrid," said Mr. Hennessy. + +"Up to a certain point," said Mr. Dooley, "he must be marrid. Afther +that--well, I on'y say that, though pollytics is a gran' career f'r a +man, 'tis a tough wan f'r his wife." + + + + +ALCOHOL AS FOOD + + +"If a man come into this saloon--" Mr. Hennessy was saying. + +"This ain't no saloon," Mr. Dooley interrupted. "This is a resthrant." + +"A what?" Mr. Hennessy exclaimed. + +"A resthrant," said Mr. Dooley. "Ye don't know, Hinnissy, that liquor is +food. It is though. Food--an' dhrink. That's what a doctor says in the +pa-apers, an' another doctor wants th' gover'mint to sind tubs iv th' +stuff down to th' Ph'lipeens. He says 'tis almost issintial that people +shud dhrink in thim hot climates. Th' prespiration don't dhry on +thim afther a hard pursoot iv Aggynaldoo an' th' capture iv Gin'ral +Pantaloons de Garshy; they begin to think iv home an' mother sindin' +down th' lawn-sprinkler to be filled with bock, an' they go off +somewhere, an' not bein' able to dhry thimsilves with dhrink, they want +to die. Th' disease is called nostalgia or home-sickness, or thirst." + +"'What we want to do f'r our sojer boys in th' Ph'lipeens besides +killin' thim,' says th' ar-rmy surgeon, 'is make th' place more +homelike,' he says. 'Manny iv our heroes hasn't had th' deleeryum +thremens since we first planted th' stars an' sthripes,' he says, 'an' +th' bay'nits among th' people,' he says. 'I wud be in favor iv havin' +th' rigimints get their feet round wanst a week, at laste,' he says. +'Lave us,' he says, 'reform th' reg'lations,' he says, 'an' insthruct +our sojers to keep their powdher dhry an' their whistles wet,' he says." + +"Th' idee ought to take, Hinnissy, f'r th' other doctor la-ad has +discovered that liquor is food. 'A man,' says he, 'can live f'r months +on a little booze taken fr'm time to time,' he says 'They'se a gr-reat +dale iv nourishment in it,' he says. An' I believe him, f'r manny's +th' man I know that don't think iv eatin' whin he can get a dhrink. I +wondher if the time will iver come whin ye'll see a man sneakin' out iv +th' fam'ly enthrance iv a lunch-room hurridly bitin' a clove! People +may get so they'll carry a light dinner iv a pint iv rye down to their +wurruk, an' a man'll tell ye he niver takes more thin a bottle iv beer +f'r breakfast. Th' cook'll give way to th' bartinder and th' doctor 'll +ordher people f'r to ate on'y at meals. Ye'll r-read in th' pa-apers +that 'Anton Boozinski, while crazed with ham an' eggs thried to kill his +wife an' childher.' On Pathrick's day ye'll see th' Dr. Tanner Anti-Food +Fife an' Drum corpse out at th' head iv th' procession instead iv th' +Father Macchews, an' they'll be places where a man can be took whin he +gets th' monkeys fr'm immodhrate eatin'. Th' sojers 'll complain that +th' liquor was unfit to dhrink an' they'll be inquiries to find out +who sold embammin' flood to th' ar-rmy--Poor people 'll have simple +meals--p'raps a bucket iv beer an' a little crame de mint, an' ye'll +r-read in th' pa-apers about a family found starvin' on th' North side, +with nawthin' to sustain life but wan small bottle iv gin, while th' +head iv th' family, a man well known to the polis, spinds his wages in a +low doggery or bakeshop fuddlin' his brains with custars pie. Th' r-rich +'ll inthrajoose novelties. P'raps they'll top off a fine dinner with a +little hasheesh or proosic acid. Th' time'll come whin ye'll see me in a +white cap fryin' a cocktail over a cooksthove, while a nigger hollers to +me: 'Dhraw a stack iv Scotch,' an' I holler back: 'On th' fire.' Ye will +not." + + +{Illustration} + + +"That's what I thought," said Mr. Hennessy. + +"No," said Mr. Dooley. "Whisky wudden't be so much iv a luxury if'twas +more iv a necissity. I don't believe 'tis a food, though whin me frind +Schwartzmeister makes a cocktail all it needs is a few noodles to look +like a biled dinner. No, whisky ain't food. I think betther iv it thin +that. I wudden't insult it be placin' it on th' same low plane as a +lobster salad. Father Kelly puts it r-right, and years go by without +him lookin' on it even at Hallowe'en. 'Whisky,' says he, 'is called the +divvle, because,' he says, ''tis wan iv the fallen angels,' he says. 'It +has its place,' he says, 'but its place is not in a man's head,' says +he. 'It ought to be th' reward iv action, not th' cause iv it,' he says. +'It's f'r th' end iv th' day, not th' beginnin',' he says. 'Hot whisky +is good f'r a cold heart, an' no whisky's good f'r a hot head,' he says. +'Th' minyit a man relies on it f'r a crutch he loses th' use iv his +legs. 'Tis a bad thing to stand on, a good thing to sleep on, a good +thing to talk on, a bad thing to think on. If it's in th' head in th' +mornin' it ought not to be in th' mouth at night. If it laughs in ye, +dhrink; if it weeps, swear off. It makes some men talk like good women, +an' some women talk like bad men. It is a livin' f'r orators an' th' +death iv bookkeepers. It doesn't sustain life, but, whin taken hot with +wather, a lump iv sugar, a piece iv lemon peel, and just th' dustin' iv +a nutmeg-grater, it makes life sustainable." + +"D'ye think ye-ersilf it sustains life?" asked Mr. Hennessy. + +"It has sustained mine f'r many years," said Mr. Dooley. + + + + +HIGH FINANCE + + +"I think," said Mr. Dooley, "I'll go down to th' stock yards an' buy a +dhrove iv Steel an' Wire stock." + +"Where wud ye keep it?" asked the unsuspecting Hennessy. + +"I'll put it out on th' vacant lot," said Mr. Dooley, "an' lave it grow +fat by atin' ol' bur-rd cages an' tin cans. I'll milk it hard, an' whin +'tis dhry I'll dispose iv it to th' widdies an' orphans iv th' Sixth +Ward that need household pets. Be hivins, if they give me half a chanst, +I'll be as gr-reat a fi-nanceer as anny man in Wall sthreet. + +"Th' reason I'm so confident iv th' value iv Steel an' Wire stock, +Hinnissy, is they're goin' to hur-rl th' chairman iv th' comity into +jail. That's what th' pa-apers calls a ray iv hope in th' clouds iv +dipression that've covered th' market so long. 'Tis always a bull +argymint. 'Snowplows common was up two pints this mornin' on th' rumor +that th' prisidint was undher ar-rest.' 'They was a gr-reat bulge in +Lobster preferred caused be th' report that instead iv declarin' a +dividend iv three hundhred per cint. th' comp'ny was preparin' to +imprison th' boord iv directors.' 'We sthrongly ricommind th' purchase +iv Con and Founder. This comp'ny is in ixcillint condition since th' +hangin' iv th' comity on reorganization.'" + +"What's th' la-ad been doin', Hinnissy? He's been lettin' his frinds +in on th' groun' flure--an' dhroppin' thim into th' cellar. Ye know +Cassidy, over in th' Fifth, him that was in th' ligislachure? Well, sir, +he was a gr-reat frind iv this man. They met down in Springfield whin +th' la-ad had something he wanted to get through that wud protect th' +widdies an' orphans iv th' counthry again their own avarice, an' he +must've handed Cassidy a good argymint, f'r Cassidy voted f'r th' bill, +though threatened with lynchin' be stockholders iv th' rival comp'ny. +He come back here so covered with dimons that wan night whin he was +standin' on th' rollin' mill dock, th' captain iv th' Eliza Brown +mistook his shirt front f'r th' bridge lights an' steered into a soap +facthry on th' lee or gas-house shore." + +"Th' man made a sthrong impression on Cassidy. 'Twas: 'As me frind Jawn +says,' or 'I'll ask Jawn about that,' or 'I'm goin' downtown to-day to +find out what Jawn advises.' He used to play a dollar on th' horses or +sivin-up f'r th' dhrinks, but afther he met Jawn he wanted me to put in +a ticker, an' he wud set in here figurin' with a piece iv chalk on how +high Wire'd go if hoopskirts come into fashion again. 'Give me a dhrop +iv whisky,' he says, 'f'r I'm inthrested in Distillers,' he says, 'an' +I'd like to give it a shove,' he says. 'How's Gas?' he says. 'A little +weak, to-day,'" says I. + +"Twill be sthronger,' he says. 'If it ain't,' says I, 'I'll take out th' +meter an' connect th' pipe with th' ventilator. I might as well bur-rn +th' wind free as buy it,'" I says. + +"A couple iv weeks ago he see Jawn an' they had a long talk about it. +'Cassidy,' says Jawn, 'ye've been a good frind iv mine,' he says, 'an' +I'd do annything in the wurruld f'r ye, no matther what it cost ye,' he +says. 'If ye need a little money to tide over th' har-rd times till th' +ligislachure meets again buy'--an' he whispered in Cassidy's ear. 'But,' +he says,'don't tell annywan. 'Tis a good thing, but I want to keep it +bottled up,'" he says. + +"Thin Jawn took th' thrain an' begun confidin' his secret to a few +select frinds. He give it to th' conductor on th' thrain, an' th' +porther, an' th' candy butcher; he handed it to a switchman that got on +th' platform at South Bend, an' he stopped off at Detroit long enough +to tell about it to the deepo' policeman. He had a sign painted with th' +tip on it an' hung it out th' window, an' he found a man that carrid a +thrombone in a band goin' over to Buffalo, an' he had him set th' good +thing to music an' play it through th' thrain. Whin he got to New York +he stopped at the Waldorf Asthoria, an' while th' barber was powdhrin' +his face with groun' dimons Jawn tol' him to take th' money he was goin' +to buy a policy ticket with an' get in on th' good thing. He tol' th' +bootblack, th' waiter, th' man at th' news-stand, th' clerk behind th' +desk, an' th' bartinder in his humble abode. He got up a stereopticon +show with pitchers iv a widow-an-orphan befure an' afther wirin', an' he +put an advertisement in all th' pa-apers tellin' how his stock wud make +weak men sthrong. He had th' tip sarved hot in all th' resthrants in +Wall sthrcet, an' told it confidintially to an open-air meetin' in +Madison Square. 'They'se nawthin,' he says, 'that does a tip so much +good as to give it circulation,' he says. 'I think, be this time,' he +says, 'all me frinds knows how to proceed, but--Great Hivins!' he says. +'What have I done? Whin all the poor people go to get th' stock they +won't be anny f'r thim. I can not lave thim thus in th' lurch. Me +reputation as a gintleman an' a fi-nanceer is at stake,' he says. +'Rather than see these brave people starvin' at th' dure f'r a morsel iv +common or preferred, I'll--I'll sell thim me own stock,' he says. An' he +done it. He done it, Hinnissy, with unfalthrin' courage an' a clear +eye. He sold thim his stock, an' so's they might get what was left at a +raysonable price, he wrote a confidintial note to th' pa-apers tellin' +thim th' stock wasn't worth thirty cints a cord, an' now, be hivins, +they're talkin' iv puttin' him in a common jail or pinitinchry +preferred. Th' ingratichood iv man." + +"But what about Cassidy?" Mr. Hennessy asked. + +"Oh," said Mr. Dooley, "he was in here las' night. 'How's our old frind +Jawn?' says I. He said nawthin'. 'Have ye seen ye'er collidge chum iv +late?' says I. 'Don't mintion that ma-an's name,' says he. 'To think iv +what I've done f'r him,' he says, 'an' him to throw me down,' he says. +'Did ye play th' tip?' says I. 'I did,' says he. 'How did ye come +out?' says I. 'I haven't a cint lift but me renommynation f'r th' +ligislachure,' says he. 'Well,' says I, 'Cassidy,' I says, 'ye've +been up again what th' pa-apers call hawt finance,' I says. 'What th' +divvle's that?' says he. 'Well,' says I, 'it ain't burglary, an' it +ain't obtainin' money be false pretinses, an' it ain't manslaughter,' +I says. 'It's what ye might call a judicious seliction fr'm th' best +features iv thim ar-rts,' I says. 'T'was too sthrong f'r me,' he says. +'It was,' says I. 'Ye're about up to simple thransom climbin', Cassidy,' +I says." + + + + +THE PARIS EXPOSITION + + +"If this r-rush iv people to th' Paris exposition keeps up," said Mr. +Hennessy, "they won't be enough left here f'r to ilict a prisidint." + +"They'll be enough left," said Mr. Dooley. "There always is. No wan +has gone fr'm Arrchey r-road, where th' voters ar-re made. I've looked +ar-round ivry mornin' expectin' to miss some familyar faces. I thought +Dorgan, th' plumber, wud go sure, but he give it up at th' las' moment, +an' will spind his summer on th' dhrainage canal. Th' baseball season +'ll keep a good manny others back, an' a number iv riprisintative +cit'zens who have stock or jobs in th' wire mills have decided that 'tis +much betther to inthrust their savin's to John W. Gates thin to blow +thim in again th' sthreets iv Cairo." + +"But takin' it by an' large 'twill be a hard winter f'r th' r-rich. +Manny iv thim will have money enough f'r to return, but they'll be much +sufferin' among thim. I ixpict to have people dhroppin' in here nex' +fall with subscription books f'r th' survivors iv th' Paris exhibition. +Th' women down be th' rollin' mills 'll be sewin' flannels f'r th' +disthressed millyonaires, an' whin th' childher kick about th' food +ye'll say, Hinnissy, 'Just think iv th' poor wretches in th' Lake +Shore dhrive an' thank Gawd f'r what ye have.' Th' mayor 'll open soup +kitchens where th' unforchnit people can come an' get a hearty meal an' +watch th' ticker, an' whin th' season grows hard, ye'll see pinched an' +hungry plutocrats thrampin' th' sthreets with signs r-readin': 'Give us +a cold bottle or we perish.' Perhaps th' polis 'll charge thim an' +bust in their stovepipe hats, th' prisidint 'll sind th' ar-rmy here, a +conspiracy 'll be discovered at th' club to blow up th' poorhouse, an' +volunteers 'll be called on fr'm th' nickel bed houses to protect th' +vested inthrests iv established poverty." + +"'Twill be a chanst f'r us to get even, Hinnissy. I'm goin' to organize +th' Return Visitin' Nurses' association, composed entirely iv victims iv +th' parent plant. 'Twill be worth lookin' at to see th' ladies fr'm th' +stock yards r-rushin' into some wretched home down in Peerary avenue, +grabbin' th' misthress iv th' house be th' shouldhers an' makin' her +change her onhealthy silk dhress f'r a pink wrapper, shovelin' in +a little ashes to sprinkle on th' flure, breakin' th' furniture an' +rollin' th' baby in th' coal box. What th' r-rich needs is intilligint +attintion. 'Don't ate that oatmeal. Fry a nice piece iv r-round steak +with onions, give th' baby th' bone to play with, an' sind Lucille +Ernestine acrost th' railroad thrack f'r a nickel's worth iv beer. +Thin ye'll be happy, me good woman.' Oh, 'twill be gran'. I won't +give annything to people that come to th' dure. More har-m is done be +indiscriminate charity than anny wan knows, Hinnissy. Half th' bankers +that'll come to ye-er kitchen nex' winter cud find plenty iv wurruk to +do if they really wanted it. Dhrink an' idleness is th' curse iv +th' class. If they come to me I'll sind thim to th' Paris Survivors' +Mechanical Relief Association, an' they can go down an' set on a cake iv +ice an' wait till th' man in charge finds thim a job managin' a diamond +mine." + +{Illustration} + +Mr. Hennessy dismissed Mr. Dooley's fancy sketch with a grin and +remarked: "These here expositions is a gran' thing f'r th' progress iv +th' wurruld." + +"Ye r-read that in th' pa-apers," said Mr. Dooley, "an' it isn't so. +Put it down fr'm me, Hinnissy, that all expositions is a blind f'r th' +hootchy-kootchy dance. They'll be some gr-reat exhibits at th' Paris +fair. Th' man that has a machine that'll tur-rn out three hundhred +thousan' toothpicks ivry minyit'll sind over his inthrestin' device, +they'll be mountains iv infant food an' canned prunes, an' pickle +casters, an' pants, an' boots, an' shoes an' paintin's. They'll be all +th' wondhers iv modhern science. Ye can see how shirts ar-re made, an' +what gives life to th' sody fountain. Th' man that makes th' glue that +binds 'll be wearin' more medals thin an officer iv th' English ar-rmy +or a cinchry bicycle rider, an' years afther whin ye see a box iv soap +ye'll think iv th' manufacthrer standin' up befure a hundhred thousan' +frinzied Fr-rinchmen in th' Boss du Boloney while th' prisidint iv th' +Fr-rinch places a goold wreath on his fair brow an' says: 'In th' name +iv th' ar-rts an' science, undher th' motto iv our people, "Libertinity, +insanity, an' frugality," I crown ye th' champeen soapmaker iv th' +wurruld. {Cheers.} Be ye'er magnificint invintion ye have dhrawn closer +th' ties between Paris an' Goshen, Indyanny {frantic applause}, which I +hope will niver be washed away. I wish ye much success as ye climb th' +lather iv fame.' Th' invintor is thin dhrawn ar-roun' th' sthreets iv +Paris in a chariot pulled be eight white horses amid cries iv 'Veev +Higgins,' 'Abase Castile,' et cethra, fr'm th' populace. An' manny a +heart beats proud in Goshen that night. That's th' way ye think iv it, +but it happens diff'rent, Hinnissy. Th' soap king, th' prune king, an' +th' porous plaster king fr'm here won't stir up anny tumult in Paris +this year. Th' chances ar-re th' prisidint won't know they're there, an' +no wan'll speak to thim but a cab dhriver, an' he'll say: 'Th' fare fr'm +th' Changs All Easy to th' Roo de Roo is eighteen thousan' francs, but +I'll take ye there f'r what ye have in ye-er pockets.'" + +"The millyonaire that goes over there to see th' piled up riches iv th' +wurruld in sausage-makin' 'll take a look ar-round him an' he'll say to +th' first polisman he meets: 'Gossoon, this is a fine show an' I know +yon palace is full to th' seams with chiny-ware an' washtubs, but wud ye +be so kind, mong brav', as to p'int out with ye-er club th' partic'lar +house where th' houris fr'm th' sultan's harem dances so well without +the aid iv th' human feet?' I know how it was whin we had th' fair here. +I had th' best intintions in th' wurruld to find out what I ought +to have larned fr'm me frind Armour, how with th' aid iv Gawdgiven +machinery ye can make a bedstead, a pianola, a dozen whisk-brooms, a +barrel iv sour mash whisky, a suit iv clothes, a lamp chimbly, a wig, +a can iv gunpowdher, a bah'rl iv nails, a prisidintial platform, an' a +bur-rdcage out iv what remains iv th' cow-I was detarmined to probe +into th' wondhers iv science, an' I started fair f'r th' machinery hall. +Where did I bring up, says ye? In th' fr-ront seat iv a playhouse with +me eye glued on a lady iv th' sultan's coort, near Brooklyn bridge, +thryin' to twisht out iv hersilf." + +"No, Hinnissy, they'll be manny things larned be Americans that goes to +Paris, but they won't be about th' 'convarsion iv boots into food, or +vicey varsa,' as Hogan says. An' that's r-right. If I wint over there +'tis little time I'd be spindin' thryin' to discover how th' wondhers iv +mechanical janius are projooced that makes livin' so much more healthy +an' oncomfortable. But whin I got to Paris I'd hire me a hack or a dhray +painted r-red, an' I'd put me feet out th' sides an' I'd say to th' +dhriver: 'Rivolutionist, pint ye-er horse's head to'rds th'home iv th' +skirt dance, hit him smartly, an' go to sleep. I will see th' snow-plow +show an' th' dentisthry wurruk in th' pa-apers. F'r th' prisint I'll +devote me attintion to makin' a noise in th' sthreets an' studyin' human +nature.'" + +"Ye'd be a lively ol' buck over there," said Mr. Hennessy, admiringly. +'"Tis a good thing ye can't go." + +"It is so," said Mr. Dooley. "I'm glad I have no millyonaire rilitives +to be depindent on me f'r support whin th' show's over." + + + + +CHRISTIAN JOURNALISM + + +"I see," said Mr. Dooley, "that th' la-ad out in Kansas that thried to +r-run a paper like what th' Lord wud r-run if he had lived in Topeka, +has thrun up th' job." + +"Sure, I niver heerd iv him," said Mr. Hennessy. + +"Well, 'twus this way with him," Mr. Dooley explained. "Ye see, he +didn't like th' looks iv th' newspapers. He got tired iv r-readin' +how many rows iv plaits Mrs. Potther Pammer had on th' las' dhress she +bought, an' whether McGovern oughtn't to go into th' heavy-weight class +an' fight Jeffries, an' he says, says th' la-ad, 'This is no right +readin' f'r th' pure an' passionless youth iv Kansas,' he says. 'Give +me,' he says, 'a chanst an' I'll projooce th' kind iv organ that'd be +got out in hiven,' he says, 'price five cints a copy,' he says, 'f'r +sale be all newsdealers; f'r advertisin' rates consult th' cashier,' he +says. So a man in Topeka that had a newspaper, he says: 'I will not be +behindhand,' he says, 'in histin' Kansas up fr'm its prisint low an' +irrellijous position,' he says. 'I don't know how th' inhabitants iv th' +place ye refer to is fixed,' he says, 'f'r newspapers,' he says, 'an' I +niver heerd iv annybody fr'm Kansas home-stakin' there,' he says, 'but +if ye'll attind to th' circulation iv thim parts,' he says, 'I'll see +that th' paper is properly placed in th' hands iv th' vile an' wicked iv +this earth, where,' he says, 'th' returns ar-re more quick,' he says." + +"Well, th' la-ad wint at it, an' 'twas a fine paper he made. Hogan was +in here th' other day with a copy iv it an' I r-read it. I haven't had +such a lithry threat since I was a watchman on th' canal f'r a week with +nawthin' to r-read but th' delinquent tax list an' the upper half iv a +weather map. 'Twas gran'. Th' editor, it seems, Hinnissy, wint into th' +editoryal rooms iv th' pa-aper an' he gathered th' force around him fr'm +their reg'lar jobs in th' dhrug stores, an' says he, 'Gintlemen,' he +says, 'tell me ye'er plans f'r to enoble this here Christyan publication +f'r to-day!' he says. 'Well,' says th' horse rayporther, 'they's +a couple iv rabbits goin' to sprint around th' thrack at th' fair +groun's,' he says. I think 'twud be a good thing f'r rellijon if ye'd +lind me tin that I might br-reak th' sin-thralled bookys that come down +here fr'm Kansas City f'r to skin th' righteous,' he says. 'No,' says +th' editor, he says, 'no horse racin' in this paper,' he says. ''Tis +th' roonation iv th' young, an' ye can't beat it,' he says. 'An' you, +fair-haired youth,' he says, 'what d'ye do that makes ye'er color so +good an' ye'er eye so bright?' 'I,' says th' la-ad, 'am th' boy that +writes th' fightin' dope,' he says. 'They'se a couple iv good wans on +at th' op'ra house to-night, an' if his Spiklets don't tin-can 'tis like +findin' money in an ol' coat that--' 'Fightin',' says th' editor, 'is +a crool an' onchristyan spoort,' he says. 'Instead iv chroniclin' th' +ruffyanism iv these misguided wretches that weigh in at th' ringside at +125 poun's, an' I see in a pa-aper I r-read in a barber shop th' other +day that Spike's gone away back--what's that I'm sayin'? Niver mind. +D'ye go down to th' home iv th' Rivrind Aloysius Augustus Morninbinch +an'interview him on th' question iv man's co-operation with grace in +conversion. Make a nice chatty article about it an' I'll give ye a copy +iv wan iv me books.' 'I will,' says th' la-ad, 'if he don't swing on +me,' he says. The editor thin addhressed th' staff. 'Gintlemen,' he +says, 'I find that th' wurruk ye've been accustomed to doin',' he says, +'is calc'lated f'r to disthroy th' morality an' debase th' home life +iv Topeka, not to mintion th' surroundin' methrolopuses iv Valencia, +Wanamaker, Sugar Works, Paxico an' Snokomo,' he says. 'Th' newspaper, +instead iv bein' a pow'rful agent f'r th' salvation iv mankind, has +become something that they want to r-read,' he says. 'Ye can all go +home,' he says. 'I'll stay here an' write th' paper mesilf,' he +says. 'I'm th' best writer ar-round here, annyhow, an' I'll give thim +something that'll prepare thim f'r death,' he says. + +"An' he did, Hinnissy, he did. 'Twas a gran' paper. They was an article +on sewerage an' wan on prayin' f'r rain, an' another on muni-cipal +ownership iv gas tanks, an' wan to show that they niver was a good +milker ownded be a pro-fane man. They was pomes, too, manny iv thim, an' +fine wans: 'Th' Man with th' Shovel,' 'Th' Man with th' Pick, 'Th' Man +with th' Cash-Raygisther,' 'Th' Man with th' Snow Plow,' 'Th' Man +with th' Bell Punch,' 'Th' Man with th' Skate,' 'Th' Man with No Kick +Comin'.' Fine pothry, th' editor askin' who pushed this here man's +forehead back an' planed down his chin, who made him wear clothes that +didn't fit him and got him a job raisin' egg-plant f'r th' monno-polists +in Topeka at a dollar a day. A man in th' editor's position ought +to know, but he didn't, so he ast in th'pomes. An' th' advertisin', +Hinnissy! I'd be scandalized f'r to go back readin' th' common +advertisin' in th' vile daily press about men's pantings, an' +DoesannyoneknowwhereIcangeta biscuit, an' In th' spring a young man's +fancy lightly turns to Pocohontas plug, not made be th' thrusts. +Th' editor left thim sacrilegious advertisements f'r his venal +contimp'raries. His was pious an' nice: 'Do ye'er smokin' in this +wurruld. Th' Christyan Unity Five-Cint See-gar is made out iv th' finest +grades iv excelsior iver projooced in Kansas!' 'Nebuchednezzar grass +seed, f'r man an' beast.' 'A handful iv meal in a barrel an' a little +ile in a curse. Swedenborgian bran fried in kerosene makes th' best +breakfast dish in th' wurruld.' 'Twus nice to r-read. It made a man feel +as if he was in church--asleep." + +"How did th'pa-aper sthrike th' people?" says ye. "Oh, it sthruck thim +good. Says th' Topeka man, skinnin' over th' gossip about Christyan +citizenship an' th' toolchest iv pothry: 'Eliza, here's a good paper, a +fine wan, f'r ye an' th' childher. Sind Tommy down to th' corner an' get +me a copy iv th' Polis Gazette.'" + +"Ye see, Hinnissy, th' editor wint to th' wrong shop f'r what Hogan +calls his inspiration. Father Kelly was talkin' it over with me, an' +says he: 'They ain't anny news in bein' good. Ye might write th' doin's +iv all th' convents iv th' wurruld on th' back iv a postage stamp, +an' have room to spare. Supposin' ye took out iv a newspaper all th' +murdhers, an' suicides, an' divorces, an elopements, an' fires, an' +disease, an' war, an' famine,' he says, 'ye wudden't have enough left +to keep a man busy r-readin' while he rode ar-roun' th' block on th' +lightnin' express. No,' he says, 'news is sin an' sin is news, an' +I'm worth on'y a line beginnin': "Kelly, at the parish-house, April +twinty-sicond, in th' fiftieth year iv his age," an' pay f'r that, while +Scanlan's bad boy is good f'r a column anny time he goes dhrunk an' +thries to kill a polisman. A rellijious newspaper? None iv thim f'r me. +I want to know what's goin' on among th' murdher an' burglary set. Did +ye r-read it?' he says. 'I did,' says I. 'What did ye think iv it?' says +he. 'I know,' says I, 'why more people don't go to church,' says I." + + + + +THE ADMIRAL'S CANDIDACY + + +"I see," said Mr. Hennessy, "that Dewey is a candydate f'r prisidint." + +"Well, sir," said Mr. Dooley, "I hope to hiven he won't get it. No +rilitive iv mine iver held a pollytical job barrin' mesilf. I was +precint captain, an' wan iv th' best they was in thim days, if I do +say so that shudden't. I was called Cap f'r manny years aftherward, an' +I'd've joined th' Gr-rand Army iv th' Raypublic if it hadn't been f'r me +poor feet. Manny iv me rilitives has been candydates, but they niver cud +win out again th' r-rest iv th' fam'ly. 'Tis so with Cousin George. I'm +again him. I've been a rayspictable saloon-keeper f'r forty years in +this ward, an' I'll not have th' name dhragged into pollytics." + +"Iv coorse, I don't blame Cousin George. I'm with him f'r annything +else in th' gift iv th' people, fr'm a lovin'-cup to a house an' lot. He +don't mean annything be it. Did ye iver see a sailor thryin' to ride a +horse? 'Tis a comical sight. Th' reason a sailor thries to ride a horse +is because he niver r-rode wan befure. If he knew annything about it he +wouldn't do it. So be Cousin George. Afther he'd been over here awhile +an' got so 'twas safe f'r him to go out without bein' torn to pieces f'r +soovenirs or lynched be a mob, he took a look ar-round him an' says +he to a polisman: 'What's th' governmint iv this counthry?' 'Tis +a raypublic,' says th' polisman. 'What's th' main guy called?' says +George. 'He's called prisidint,' says th' polisman. 'Is it a good job?' +says Cousin George. ''Tis betther thin thravelin' beat,' says th' bull. +'What's th' la-ad's name that's holdin' it now?' says Cousin George. +'Mack,' says th' cop. 'Irish?' says George. 'Cross,' says th' elbow. +'Where fr'm?' says George. 'Ohio,' says the peeler. 'Where's that?' says +George. 'I dinnaw,' says th' bull. An' they parted th' best iv frinds." + +"'Well,'" says George to himsilf, "'I guess I'll have to go up an' have a +look at this la-ad's place,' he says, 'an' if it looks good,' he says, +'p'raps I cud nail it,' he says. An' he goes up an' sees Mack dictatin' +his Porther Rickyan policy to a kinetoscope, an' it looks like a +nice employmint f'r a spry man, an' he goes back home an' sinds f'r a +rayporther, an' says he: 'I always believe since I got home in dealin' +frankly with th' press. I haven't seen manny papers since I've been +at sea, but whin I was a boy me father used to take the Montpelier +Paleejum. 'Twas r-run be a man be th' name iv Horse Clamback. He was +quite a man whin sober. Ye've heerd iv him, no doubt. But what I ast ye +up here f'r was to give ye a item that ye can write up in ye'er own way +an' hand to th' r-rest iv th' boys. I'm goin' to be prisidint. I like +th' looks iv the job an' nobody seems to care f'r it, an' I've got so +blame tired since I left th' ship that if I don't have somethin' to do +I'll go crazy,' he says. 'I wisht ye'd make a note iv it an' give it to +th' other papers,' he says. 'Ar-re ye a raypublican or a dimmycrat?' +says the rayporter. 'What's that?' says Cousin George. 'D'ye belong to +th' raypublican or th' dimmycrat party?' 'What ar-re they like?' says +Cousin George. 'Th' raypublicans ar-re in favor iv expansion.' 'Thin I'm +a raypublican.' 'Th' dim-mycrats ar-re in favor iv free thrade.' 'Thin +I'm a dimmycrat.' 'Th' raypublicans ar-re f'r upholdin' th' goold +standard.' 'So'm I. I'm a raypublican there.' 'An' they're opposed to an +income tax.' 'On that,' says Cousin George, 'I'm a dimmycrat. I tell +ye, put me down as a dimmycrat. Divvle th' bit I care. Just say I'm +a dimmycrat with sthrong raypublican leanings. Put it this way: I'm +a dimmycrat, be a point raypublican, dimmycrat. Anny sailor man'll +undherstand that.' 'What'll I say ye'er platform is?' 'Platform?' 'Ye +have to stand on a platform.' 'I do, do I? Well, I don't. I'll stand on +no platform, an' I'll hang on no sthrap. What d'ye think th'prisidincy +is--a throlley car? No, sir, whin ye peek in th' dure to sell ye'er +paper ye'll see ye'er Uncle George settin' down comfortable with his +legs crossed, thrippin' up annywan that thries to pass him. Go out now +an' write ye'er little item, f'r 'tis late an' all hands ar-re piped to +bed,' he says." + +"An' there ye ar-re. Well, sir, 'tis a hard year Cousin George has in +store f'r him. Th' first thing he knows he'll have to pay f'r havin' his +pitchers in th' pa-aper. Thin he'll larn iv siv'ral prevyous convictions +in Vermont. Thin he'll discover that they was no union label on th' +goods he delivered at Manila. 'Twill be pointed out be careful observers +that he was ilicted prisidint iv th' A. P. A. be th' Jesuits. Thin +somewan'll dig up that story about his not feelin' anny too well th' +mornin' iv th' fight, an' ye can imajine th' pitchers they'll print, an' +th' jokes that'll be made, an' th' songs: 'Dewey Lost His Appetite at +th' Battle iv Manila. Did McKinley Iver Lose His?' An' George'll wake +up th' mornin' afther iliction an' he'll have a sore head an' a sorer +heart, an' he'll find that th' on'y support he got was fr'm th' goold +dimmycratic party, an' th' chances ar-re he caught cold fr'm goin' +out without his shawl an' cudden't vote. He'll find that a man can be +r-right an' be prisidint, but he can't be both at th' same time. An' +he'll go down to breakfast an' issue Gin'ral Ordher Number Wan, 'To All +Superyor Officers Commandin' Admirals iv th' United States navy at home +or on foreign service: If anny man mintions an admiral f'r prisidint, +hit him in th' eye an' charge same to me.' An' thin he'll go to his +office an' prepare a plan f'r to capture Dublin, th' capital iv England, +whin th' nex' war begins. An' he'll spind th' r-rest iv his life thryin' +to live down th' time he was a candydate." + +"Well, be hivins, I think if Dewey says he's a dimmycrat an' Joyce is +with him, I'll give him a vote," said Mr. Hennessy. "It's no sin to be a +candydate f'r prisidint." + +"No," said Mr. Dooley. "Tis sometimes a misfortune an' sometimes a joke. +But I hope ye won't vote f'r him. He might be ilicted if ye did. I'd +like to raymimber him, an' it might be I cudden't if he got th' job. Who +was the prisidint befure Mack? Oh, tubby sure!" + + + + +CUSTOMS OF KENTUCKY + + +"Well, sir," said Mr. Dooley, "'tis good to see that th' gloryous ol' +commonwealth iv Kentucky is itsilf again." + +"How's that?" asked Mr. Hennessy. + +"F'r some time past," said Mr. Dooley, "they's been nawthin' doin' +that'd make a meetin' iv th' Epworth League inthrestin'. Th' bystanders +in Kentucky has been as safe as a journeyman highwayman in Chicago. +Perfectly innocent an' unarmed men wint into th' state an' come out +again without a bullethole in their backs. It looked f'r awhile as if +th' life iv th' ordn'ry visitor was goin' to be as harmless in Kentucky +as in Utah, th' home iv th' desthroyers iv American domestic life. I +dinnaw why it was, whether it was th' influence iv our new citizens in +Cubia an' th' Ph'lippeens or what it was, but annyhow th' on'y news that +come out iv Kentucky was as peaceful, Hinnissy, as th' rayports iv a +bloody battle in South Africa. But Kentucky, as Hogan says, was not dead +but on'y sleepin'. Th' other day that gran' ol' state woke up through +two iv its foremost rapid firin' citizens." + +"They met be chanst in a hotel con-tagious to a bar. Colonel Derringer +was settin' in a chair peacefully fixin' th' hammer iv his forty-four +Colt gun, presinted to him be his constitooents on th' occasion iv his +mim'rable speech on th' nicissity iv spreadin' th' civilization iv th' +United States to th' ends iv th' wur-ruld. Surroundin' him was Major +Bullseye, a well-known lawyer, cattle-raiser an' journalist iv Athens, +Bulger County, whose desthruction iv Captain Cassius Glaucus Wiggins at +th' meetin' iv' th' thrustees in th' Sicond Baptist Church excited +so much comment among spoortin' men three or four years ago, Gin'ral +Rangefinder iv Thebes, Colonel Chivvy iv Sparta, who whittled Major +Lycurgus Gam iv Thermopylae down to th' wishbone at th' anti-polygamist +meetin' las' June, an' other well-known gintlemen." + +"Th' party was suddenly confronted be Major Lyddite iv Carthage an' +a party iv frinds who were in town for th' purpose iv protectin' th' +suffrage again' anny pollution but their own. Colonel Derringer an' +Major Lyddite had been inimies f'r sivral months, iver since Major +Lyddite in an attimpt to desthroy wan iv his fellow-citizens killed a +cow belongin' to th' janial Colonel. Th' two gintlemen had sworn f'r to +slay each other at sight or thirty days, an' all Kentucky society +has been on what Hogan calls th' _quee veev_ or look-out f'r another +thrajeedy to be added to th' long list iv sim'lar ivints that marks th' +histhry iv th' Dark an' Bloody Groun'--which is a name given to Kentucky +be her affectionate sons." + +{Illustration} + + +"Without a wur-rud or a bow both gintlemen dhrew on each other an' +begun a deadly fusillade. That is, Hinnissy, they begun shootin' at +th' bystanders. I'll tell ye what th' pa-apers said about it. Th' two +antagonists was in perfect form an' well sustained th' reputation iv th' +state f'r acc'rate workmanship. Colonel Derringer's first shot caught a +boot an' shoe drummer fr'm Chicago square in th' back amid consid'rable +applause. Major Lyddite tied th' scoor be nailin' a scrubwoman on th' +top iv a ladder. Th' man at th' traps sprung a bell boy whom th' Colonel +on'y winged, thus goin' back wan, but his second barrel brought down a +book-canvasser fr'm New York, an' this bein' a Jew man sint him ahead +three. Th' Major had an aisy wan f'r th' head waiter, nailin' him just +as he jumped into a coal hole. Four all. Th' Colonel thried a difficult +polisman, lamin' him. Thin th' Major turned his attintion to his own +frinds, an' made three twos in succession. Th' Colonel was not so +forch'nate. He caught Major Bullseye an' Captain Wiggins, but Gin'ral +Rangefinder was safe behind a barber's pole an' Colonel Chivvy fluttered +out iv range. Thus th' scoor was tin to six at th' conclusion iv th' +day's spoort in favor iv Major Lyddite. Unforchnately th' gallant Major +was onable f'r to reap th' reward iv his excellent marksmanship, f'r in +a vain indeavor f'r a large scoor, he chased th' barber iv th' sicond +chair into th' street, an' there slippin' on a banana peel, fell an' +sustained injuries fr'm which he subsequently died. In him th' counthry +loses a valu'ble an' acc'rate citizen, th' state a lile an' rapid firin' +son, an' society a leadin' figure, his meat-market an' grocery bein' wan +iv th' largest outside iv Minerva. Some idee iv th' acc'racy iv th' +fire can be gained fr'm th' detailed scoor, as follows: Lyddite, three +hearts, wan lung, wan kidney, five brains. Derringer, four hearts, +two brains. This has seldom been excelled. Among th' minor casualties +resultin' fr'm this painful but delightful soiree was th' followin': +Erastus Haitch Muggins, kilt be jumpin' fr'm th' roof; Blank Cassidy, +hide an' pelt salesman fr'm Chicago, burrid undher victims; Captain +Epaminondas Lucius Quintus Cassius Marcellus Xerxes Cyrus Bangs of +Hoganpolis, Hamilcar Township, Butseen County, died iv hear-rt disease +whin his scoor was tied. Th' las' named was a prominent leader in +society, a crack shot an' a gintleman iv th' ol' school without fear an' +without reproach. His son succeeds to his lunch car. Th' others don't +count." + +"'Twas a gr-reat day f'r Kentucky, Hinnissy, an' it puts th' gran' +ol' state two or three notches ahead iv anny sim'lar community in th' +wur-ruld. Talk about th' Boer war an' th' campaign in th' Ph'lippeens! +Whin Kentucky begins f'r to shoot up her fav'rite sons they'll be more +blood spilled thin thim two play wars'd spill between now an' th' time +whin Ladysmith's relieved f'r th' las' time an' Agynaldoo is r-run up +a three in th' outermost corner iv Hoar County, state iv Luzon. They'se +rale shootin' in Kentucky, an' whin it begins ivrybody takes a hand. +'Tis th' on'y safe way. If ye thry to be an onlooker an' what they calls +a non-combatant 'tis pretty sure ye'll be taken home to ye'er fam'ly +lookin' like a cribbage-boord. So th' thing f'r ye to do is to be wan iv +th' shooters ye'ersilf, load up ye'er gun an' whale away f'r th' honor +iv ye'er counthry." + +"'Tis a disgrace," said Mr. Hennessy. "Where were th' polis?" + +"This was not th' place f'r a polisman," said Mr. Dooley. "I suspict +though, fr'm me knowledge iv th' kind iv man that uses firear-rms that +if some wan'd had th' prisence iv mind to sing out 'They'se a man at th' +bar that offers to buy dhrinks f'r th' crowd,' they'd be less casu'lties +fr'm bullets, though they might be enough people kilt in th' r-rush to +even it up. But whin I read about these social affairs in Kentucky, I +sometimes wish some spool cotton salesman fr'm Matsachoosets, who'd +be sure to get kilt whin th' shootin' begun, wud go down there with a +baseball bat an' begin tappin' th' gallant gintlemen on th' head befure +breakfast an' in silf definse. I'll bet ye he'd have thim jumpin' +through thransoms in less thin two minyits, f'r ye can put this down as +thrue fr'm wan that's seen manny a shootin', that a man, barrin' he's a +polisman, on'y dhraws a gun whin he's dhrunk or afraid. Th' gun fighter, +Hinnissy, tin to wan is a cow'rd." + +"That's so," said Mr. Hennessy. "But it don't do to take anny chances +on." + +"No," said Mr. Dooley, "he might be dhrunk." + + + + +A SOCIETY SCANDAL + + +"Well, sir, I guess I'm not up on etiket," said Mr. Dooley. + +"How's that?" demanded Mr. Hennessy. + +"I've been readin' about Willum Waldorf Asthor," replied Mr. Dooley, +"an' th' throuble he had with a la-ad that bummed his way into his +party. Ye see, Hinnissy, Willum Waldorf Asthor give a party at his +large an' commodjious house in London. That's where he lives--in +London--though he r-runs a hotel in New York, where ye can see half th' +state iv Ioway near anny night, they tell me. Well, he give this party +on a gran' scale, an' bought gr-reat slathers iv food an' dhrink, +an' invited th' neighbors an' the neighbors' childher. But wan man he +wudden't have. He's goin' over th' list iv th' people that's to come, +an' he says to his sicrety: 'Scratch that boy. Him an' me bump as we +pass by.' He didn't want this fellow, ye see, Hinnissy. I don't know +why. They was dissatisfaction between thim; annyhow, he says: 'Scratch +him,' an' he was out iv it." + +"Well, wan night, th' fellow was settin' down f'r a bite to eat with +Lady O----, an' Lady S----, an' Lady G----, an' Lady Y----, an' other +ladies that had lost their names, an' says wan iv thim, 'Cap,' she says, +'ar-re ye goin' to Asthor's doin's tonight?' she says. 'Not that I know +iv,' says th' Cap. 'He hasn't sint me anny wurrud that I'm wanted,' he +says. 'What differ does it make,' says th' lady. 'Write an invitation +f'r ye'rsilf on ye'er cuff an' come along with us,' says she. 'I'll do +it,' says the Cap, an' he sint f'r an automobile an' goes along. + +"Well, ivrything was all r-right f'r awhile, an' th' Cap was assaultin' +a knuckle iv ham an' a shell iv beer, whin Willum Waldorf Asthor comes +up an' taps him on th' shoulder an' says: 'Duck.' 'What name?' says +th' Cap. 'Asthor,' says Willum. 'Oh,' says th' Cap, 'ye're th' American +gazabo that owns this hut,' he says. 'I am,' says Willum. 'I can't go,' +says th' Cap. 'Ye didn't ask me here an' ye can't sind me away,' he +says. 'Gossoon, another shell iv malt, an' dhraw it more slow,' he says. +'I am an English gintleman an' I know me rights,' he says. 'Dure or +window,' says Willum. 'Take ye'er choice,' he says. 'If ye insist,' says +th' Cap, 'I'll take th' dure,' he says, 'but ye don't know th' customs +iv civilization,' he says; an' th' hired man just grazed him on th' dure +sthep. + +"Well, Willum Waldorf Asthor was that mad, he wint down to his pa-aper +office, an' says he, 'I want to put in an item,' he says, an' he put +it in. 'It is wished,' he says, 'to be apprihinded,' he says, 'be those +desirous not to have been misinformed,' he says, 'concarnin' th' recent +appearance iv Cap Sir Mills at me party,' he says, 'that 'twas not be me +that said Cap Sir Mills come to be on th' site,' he says, 'but rather,' +he says, 'through a desire on th' part iv Cap Sir Mills to butt into a +party to which his invitation was lost about three hours befure 'twas +written,' he says." + +"Well, now, ye'd think that was all right, wudden't ye? Ye'd say Asthor +acted mild whin he didn't take down his goold ice pick from th' wall +an' bate th' Cap over th' head. Th' Cap, though a ganial soul, had no +business there. 'Twas Willum Waldorf Asthor that paid f'r the ice cream +an' rented th' chiny. But that's where ye'd be wrong, an' that's where I +was wrong. Whin th' Prince iv Wales heerd iv it he was furyous. 'What,' +he says, 'is an English gintleman goin' to be pegged out iv dures be a +mere American be descent?' he says. 'A man,' he says, 'that hasn't +an entail to his name,' he says. 'An American's home in London is an +Englishman's castle,' he says. 'As th' late Earl iv Pitt said, th' +furniture may go out iv it, th' constable may enther, th' mortgage may +fall on th' rooned roof, but a thrue Englishman'll niver leave,' he +says, 'while they'se food an' dhrink,' he says. 'Willum Waldorf Asthor +has busted th' laws iv hospitality, an' made a monkey iv a lile subjick +iv th' queen,' he says. 'Hinceforth,' he says, 'he's ast to no picnics +iv th' Buckingham Palace Chowder Club,' he says. An' th' nex' day Willum +Waldorf Asthor met him at th' races where he was puttin' down a bit iv +money an' spoke to him, an' th' Prince iv Wales gave him wan in th' eye. +He must've had something in his hand, f'r the pa-aper said he cut him. +P'raps 'twas his scipter. An' now no wan'll speak to Willum Waldorf +Asthor, an' he's not goin' to be a jook at all, an' he may have to come +back here an' be nachurlized over again like a Bohamian. He's all broke +up about it. He's gone to Germany to take a bath." + +"Lord, help us," said Mr. Hennessy, "can't he get wan nearer home?" + +"It seems not," said Mr. Dooley. "Mebbe the Prince iv Wales has had th' +wather cut off. He has a big pull with th' people in th' city hall." + + + + +DOINGS OF ANARCHISTS + + +"Why should anny man want to kill a king?" said Mr. Dooley. "That's what +I'd like to know. Little gredge have I again' anny monarch in th' deck. +Live an' let live's me motto. Th' more ye have in this wurruld th' less +ye have. Make in wan place, lose in another's th' rule, me boy. Little +joy, little sorrow. Takin' it all an' all I'd rather be where I am thin +on a throne, an' be th' look iv things I'll have me wish. 'Tis no aisy +job bein' a king barrin' th' fact that ye don't have to marry th' woman +iv ye'er choice but th' woman iv somebody else's. 'Tis like takin' a +conthract an' havin' th' union furnish th' foreman an' th' mateeryal. +Thin if th' wurruk ain't good a wild-eyed man fr'm Paterson, Noo Jarsey, +laves his monkey an' his hand organ an' takes a shot at ye. Thank +th' Lord I'm not so big that anny man can get comfort fr'm pumpin' a +Winchester at me fr'm th' top iv a house." + +"But if I was king ne'er an organ grinder'd get near enough me to take +me life with a Hotchkiss gun. I'd be so far away fr'm the multitood, +Hinnissy, that they cud on'y distinguish me rile features with a +spy-glass. I'd have polismen at ivry tur-rn, an' I'd have me subjicks +retire to th' cellar whin I took me walk. Divvle a bit wud you catch me +splattherin' mesilf with morthar an' stickin' newspapers in a hole in a +corner shtone to show future gin'rations th' progress iv crime in +this cinchry. They'd lay their own corner-shtone f'r all iv me. I'd +communicate with th' pop'lace be means iv ginral ordhers, an' I'd make +it a thing worth tellin' about to see th' face iv th' gr-reat an' good +King Dooley." + +"Kings is makin' thimsilves too common. Nowadays an arnychist dhrops +into a lunch-room at th' railroad depot an' sees a man settin' on a +stool atin' a quarther section iv a gooseb'ry pie an' dhrinkin' a glass +iv buttermilk. 'D'ye know who that is?' says th' lunch-counter lady. +'I do not,' says th' arnychist, 'but be th' look iv him he ain't much.' +'That's th' king,' says th' lady. 'Th' king, is it,' says th' arnychist. +'Thin here's f'r wan king less,' he says, an' 'tis all over. A king +ought to be a king or he oughtn't. He don't need to be a good mixer. If +he wants to hang on he must keep out iv range. 'Tis th' kings an' queens +that thrusts so much in th' lilety iv their people that they live in +summer resort hotels an' go out walkin' with a dog that's hurted. Th' +on'y person that ought to be able to get near enough a rale king to kill +him is a jook, or th' likes iv that. Th' idee iv a man from Noo Jarsey +havin' th' chanst!" + +{Illustration} + +"What on earth's to be done about thim arnychists?" Mr. Hennessy asked. +"What ails thim annyhow? What do they want?" + +"Th' Lord on'y knows," said Mr. Dooley. + +"They don't want annything, that's what they want. They want peace on +earth an' th' way they propose to get it is be murdhrin' ivry man that +don't agree with thim. They think we all shud do as they please. They're +down on th' polis foorce an' in favor iv th' pop'lace, an' whin they've +kilt a king they call on th' polis to save thim fr'm th' mob. An' +between you an' me, Hinnissy, ivry arnychist I've knowed, an' I've met +manny in me time, an' quite, law-abidin' citizens they was, too, had th' +makin' iv a thradeejan in him. If they was no newspapers they'd be few +arnychists. They want to get their pitchers in th' pa-apers an' they +can't do it be wheelin' bananas through th' sthreets or milkin' a cow, +so they go out an' kill a king. I used to know a man be th' name iv +Schmitt that was a cobbler be profession an' lived next dure but wan to +me. He was th' dacintist man ye iver see. He kep' a canary bur-rd, an' +his devotion to his wife was th' scandal iv th' neighborhood. But bless +my soul, how he hated kings. He cudden't abide Cassidy afther he heerd +he was a dayscinded fr'm th' kings iv Connock, though Cassidy was what +ye call a prolotoorio or a talkin' workin'man. An' th' wan king he hated +above all others was th' king iv Scholizwig-Holstein, which was th' +barbarous counthry he come fr'm. He cud talk fairly dacint about other +kings, but this wan--Ludwig was his name an' I seen his pitcher in +th' pa-apers wanst--wud throw him into a fit. He blamed ivrything that +happened to Ludwig. If they was a sthrike he charged it to Ludwig. +If Schwartzmeister didn't pay him f'r half-solin' a pair iv Congress +gaiters he used to wear in thim days, he tied a sthring arround his +finger f'r to remind him that he had to kill Ludwig. 'What have ye +again' th' king?' says I. 'He is an opprissor iv th' poor,' he says. +'So ar-re ye,' I says, 'or ye'd mend boots free.' 'He's explodin' th' +prolotoorio,' he says. 'Sure,' says I, 'th' prolotoorio can explode +thimsilves pretty well,' says I. 'He oughtn't to be allowed to live in +luxury while others starve,' he says. 'An' wud ye be killin' a man f'r +holdin' a nice job?' says I. 'What good wud it do ye?' says I. 'I'd be +th' emancipator iv th' people,' says he. 'Ye'd have th' wurred on th' +coffin lid,' says I. 'Why,' says he, 'think iv me, Schmitt, Owgoost +Schmitt, stalkin' forth to avinge th' woes iv th' poor,' he says. +'Loodwig, th' cursed, goes by. I jumps fr'm behind a three an' society +is freed fr'm th' monsther,' he says. 'Think iv th' glory iv it,' he +says. 'Owgoost Schmitt, emancipator,' he says. 'I'll prove to Mary Ann +that I'm a man,' he says. Mary Ann was his wife. Her maiden name was +Riley. She heard him say it. 'Gus,' says she, 'if iver I hear iv ye +shootin' e'er a king I'll lave ye,' she says." + +"Well, sir, I thought he was jokin', but be hivins, wan day he +disappeared, an' lo an' behold, two weeks afther I picks up a pa-aper +an' r-reads that me brave Schmitt was took up be th' polis f'r thryin' +to cop a monarch fr'm behind a three. I sint him a copy iv a pa-aper +with his pitcher in it, but I don't know if iver he got it. He's over +there now an' his wife is takin' in washin'." + +"It's vanity that makes arnychists, Hinnissy--vanity an' th' habits +kings has nowadays iv bein' as common as life insurance agents." + +"I don't like kings," said Mr. Hennessy, "but I like arnychists less. +They ought to be kilt off as fast as they're caught." + +"They'll be that," said Mr. Dooley. "But killin' thim is like wringin' +th' neck iv a mickrobe." + + + + +ANGLO-AMERICAN SPORTS + + +"Hinnissy, if iver we have war with what me frind Carl Schurz'd call th' +Mother County, it'll not come fr'm anny Vinnyzwalan question. Ye can't +get me excited over th' throbbin' debate on th' location iv th' Orynocoo +River or whether th' miners that go to Alaska f'r goold ar're buried be +th' Canajeen or th' American authorities. Ye bet ye can't. But some +day we'll be beat in a yacht r-race or done up at futball an' thin what +Hogan call th' dogs iv war'll break out iv th' kennel an' divastate th' +wurruld." + +"Well," said Mr. Hennessy, complacently, "if we wait f'r that we might +as well disband our navy." + +"I dinnaw about that," said Mr. Dooley, "I dinnaw abut that; afther ye +left to investigate th' ir'n foundhries an' other pitcheresque roons iv +this misguided counthry, I wint out to give a few raw rahs f'r me fellow +colleejens, who was attimptin' to dimonsthrate their supeeryority over +th' effete scholars iv England at what I see be th' pa-apers is called +th' Olympian games. Ye get to th' Olympian games be suffocation in +a tunnel. Whin ye come to, ye pay four shillin's or a dollar in our +degraded currency, an' stand in th' sun an' look at th' Prince iv Wales. +Th' Prince iv Wales looks at ye, too, but he don't see ye." + +"Me frind, th' American ambassadure was there, an' manny iv th' seats iv +larnin' in th' gran' stand was occupied be th' flower iv our seminaries +iv meditation or thought conservatories. I r-read it in th' pa-apers. +At th' time I come in they was recitin' a pome fr'm th' Greek, to a +thoughtful-lookin' young profissor wearin' th' star-spangled banner f'r +a necktie an' smokin' a cigareet. 'Now, boys,' says th' profissor, 'all +together.' 'Rickety, co-ex, co-ex, hullabaloo, bozoo, bozoo, Harvard,' +says th' lads. I was that proud iv me belovid counthry that I wanted +to take off me hat there an' thin an' give th' colledge yell iv th' +Ar-rchey road reform school. But I was resthrained be a frind iv mine +that I met comin' over. He was fr'm Matsachoosetts, an' says he: +'Don't make a disturbance,' he says. 'We've got to create a fav'rable +impression here,' he says, 'Th' English,' he says, 'niver shows +enthusyasm,' he says. 'Tis regarded as unpolite,' he says. 'If ye yell,' +he says, 'they'll think we want to win,' he says, 'an' we didn't come +over here to win,' he says. 'Let us show thim,' he says, 'that we're +gintlemen, be it iver so painful,' he says. An' I resthrained mesilf be +puttin' me fist in me mouth." + +{Illustration} + +"They was an Englishman standin' behind me, Hinnissy, an' he was a +model iv behaviour f'r all Americans intindin' to take up their homes in +Cubia. Ye cudden't get this la-ad war-rmed up if ye built a fire undher +him. He had an eye-glass pinned to his face an' he niver even smiled +whin a young gintleman fr'm Harvard threw a sledge hammer wan mile, two +inches. A fine la-ad, that Harvard man, but if throwin' th' hammer's +spoort, thin th' rowlin' mills is th' athletic cintre iv our belovid +counthry. Whin an Englishman jumped further thin another la-ad, me frind +th' Ice-box, says he: 'H'yah, h'yah!' So whin an American la-ad lept up +in th' air as though he'd been caught be th' anchor iv a baloon, I says: +'H'yah, h'yah!' too. Whin a sign iv th' effete aristocracy iv England +done up sivral free-bor-rn Americans fr'm Boston in a fut r-race, me +frind the Farthest North, he grabs his wan glass eye an' says he: 'Well +r-run, Cambridge!' he says; 'Well r-run,' he says. An' 'Well r-run, +whativer colledge ye're fr'm,' says I, whin wan iv our la-ads jumped +over a fence ahead iv some eager but consarvative English scholars." + +"Well, like a good game, it come three an' three. Three times had +victhry perched upon our banner an' thrice--I see it in th' pa-aper--had +th' flag iv th' mother counthry proclaimed that Englishmen can r-run. It +was thryin' on me narves an' I wanted to yell whin th' tie was r-run +off but th' man fr'm Matsachoosetts says: 'Contain ye'ersilf,' he says. +'Don't allow ye'er frinzied American spirit to get away with ye'er +manners,' he says. 'Obsarve.' he says, 'th' ca'm with which our brother +Anglo-Saxon views th' scene,' he says. 'Ah!' he says, 'they're off +an' be th' jumpin' George Wash'nton, I bet ye that fellow fr'm West +Newton'll make that red-headed, long-legged, bread-ballasted Englishman +look like thirty cints. 'Hurroo,' he says. 'Go on, Harvard,' he says. +'Go on,' he says. 'Rah, rah, rah,' he says. 'Ate him up, chew him up,' +he says. 'Harvard!' he says." + +"I looked ar-round at th' ca'm dispassyonate Englishman. He dhropped his +eye-glass so he cud see th' race an' he had his cane in th' air. 'Well +r-run,' he says. 'Well r-run, Cambridge,' he says. 'Pull him down,' +he says. 'Run over him,' he says. 'Thrip him up,' he says. 'They can't +r-run,' he says, 'except whin they're Ph'lipinos behind thim,' he says. +'Well r-run,' he says, an' he welted th' man fr'm Matsachoosetts with +his cane. 'Be careful what ye're doin' there,' says th' Anglo-Saxon. +'If it wasn't f'r th' 'liance I'd punch ye'er head off,' he says. 'An',' +says th' ca'm Englishman, 'if it wasn't f'r our common hurtage,' he +says, 'I'd make ye jump over th' gran' stand,' he says. 'Th' English +always cud beat us r-runnin',' says the sage iv Matsachoosetts. 'Th' +Americans start first an' finishes last,' says th' Englishman. An' I had +to pull thim apart." + +"Whether it is that our American colleejans spinds too much iv their +lung power in provin' their devotion to what Hogan calls their +Almy Matthers or not, I dinnaw, but annyhow, we had to dhrag th' +riprisintative iv our branch iv th' Anglo-Saxon an' Boheemyan +civilization in th' three-mile race fr'm undher two thousand iv our +cousins or brothers-in-law that was ca'mly an' soberly, but hurridly an' +noisily chargin' acrost th' thrack to cheer their own man." + +"Me frind fr'm Matsachoosets was blue as we winded our way to th' +sthrangulation railway an' started back f'r home. 'I'm sorry,' he says, +'to lose me timper,' he says, 'but,' he says, 'afther all th' pretinded +affection iv these people f'r us,' he says, 'an' afther all we've done +f'r thim in Alaska an'--an' ivrywhere,' he says, 'an' thim sellin' us +coal whin they might've sold it to th' Spanyards if th' Spanyards'd +had th' money,' he says, 'to see th' conduct iv that coarse an' brutal +Englishman--' 'Th' wan that won th' r-race?' says I. 'Yes,' he says. +'No, I mean th' wan that lammed me with his cane,' he says. 'If it +hadn't been,' he says, 'that we're united,' he says, 'be a common +pathrimony,' he says, 'I'd've had his life,' he says. 'Ye wud so,' says +I, 'an' ye're r-right,' I says. 'If all th' la-ads enthered into th' +r-races with th' same spirit ye show now,' I says, 'th' English flag'd +be dhroopin' fr'm th' staff, an' Cyrus Bodley iv Wadham, Mass.,'d be +paintin' th' stars an' sthripes on th' Nelson monnymint,' I says. 'Whin +we hated th' English,' I says, 'an' a yacht r-race was li'ble to end in +a war message fr'm the prisidint, we used to bate thim,' I says. 'Now,' +says I, 'whin we're afraid to injure their feelin's,' I says, 'an' whin +we 'pologise befure we punch, they bate us,' I says. 'They're used to +'pologisin' with wan hand an' punchin' with th' other,' I says. 'Th' +on'y way is th' way iv me cousin Mike,' I says. 'He was a gr-reat +rassler an' whin he had a full Nelson on th' foolish man that wint again +him, he used to say, 'Dear me, am I breakin' ye'er neck, I hope so.'" + +"But th' Matsachoosetts man didn't see it that way. An' some time, I +tell ye, Hinnissy, an' Englishman'll put th' shot wan fut further than +wan iv our men th' Lord save us fr'm th' disgrace!--an' th' next day +we'll invade Canada." + +"We ought to do it, annyhow," said Mr. Hennessy stoutly. + +"We wud," said Mr. Dooley, "if we were sure we cud lave it aftherwards." + + + + +VOICES FROM THE TOMB + + +"I don't think," said Mr. Dooley, "that me frind Willum Jennings Bryan +is as good an orator as he was four years ago." + +"He's th' grandest talker that's lived since Dan'l O'Connell," said Mr. +Hennessy. + +"Ye've heerd thim all an' ye know," said Mr. Dooley. "But I tell ye he's +gone back. D'ye mind th' time we wint down to th' Coleesyum an' he come +out in a black alapaca coat an' pushed into th' air th' finest wurruds +ye iver heerd spoke in all ye'er bor-rn days? 'Twas a balloon ascinsion +an' th' las' days iv Pompey an' a blast on th' canal all in wan. I had +to hold on to me chair to keep fr'm goin' up in th' air, an' I mind that +if it hadn't been f'r a crack on th' head ye got fr'm a dillygate fr'm +Westconsin ye'd 've been in th' hair iv Gin'ral Bragg. Dear me, will ye +iver f'rget it, th' way he pumped it into th' pluthocrats? 'I tell +ye here an' now,' he says, 'they'se as good business men in th' +quite counthry graveyards iv Kansas as ye can find in the palathial +lunch-counthers iv Wall street,' he says. 'Whin I see th' face iv that +man who looks like a two-dollar pitcher iv Napolyeon at Saint Heleena,' +he says, 'I say to mesilf, ye shall not--ye shall not'--what th' divvle +is it ye shall not do, Hinnissy?" + +"Ye shall not crucify mankind upon a crown iv thorns," said Mr. +Hennessy. + +"Right ye ar-re, I forgot," Mr. Dooley went on. "Well, thim were his own +wurruds. He was young an' he wanted something an' he spoke up. He'd been +a rayporther on a newspaper an' he'd rather be prisidint thin write anny +longer f'r th' pa-aper, an' he made th' whole iv th' piece out iv his +own head. + +"But nowadays he has tin wurruds f'r Thomas Jefferson an' th' rest iv +th' sage crop to wan f'r himsilf. 'Fellow-dimmycrats,' he says, 'befure +goin' anny farther, an' maybe farin' worse, I reluctantly accipt th' +nommynation f'r prisidint that I have caused ye to offer me,' he says, +'an' good luck to me,' he says. 'Seein' th' counthry in th' condition +it is,' he says, 'I cannot rayfuse,' he says. 'I will now lave a subject +that must be disagreeable to manny iv ye an' speak a few wurruds fr'm +th' fathers iv th' party, iv whom there ar-re manny,' he says, 'though +no shame to th' party, f'r all iv that,' he says. 'Thomas Jefferson, +th' sage iv Monticello, says: "Ye can't make a silk purse out iv a +sow's ear," a remark that will at wanst recall th' sayin' iv Binjamin +Franklin, th' sage iv Camden, that "th' fartherest way ar-round is th' +shortest way acrost." Nawthin' cud be thruer thin that onliss it is th' +ipygram iv Andhrew Jackson, th' sage iv Syr-acuse, that "a bur-rd in th' +hand is worth two in th' bush." What gran' wurruds thim ar-re, an' how +they must torture th' prisint leaders iv th' raypublican party. Sam'l +Adams, th' sage iv Salem, says: "Laugh an' the wurruld laughs with ye," +while Pathrick Hinnery, th' sage iv Jarsey City, puts it that "ye shud +always bet aces befure th' dhraw." Turnin' farther back into histhry we +find that Brian Boru, th' sage iv Munsther, said: "Cead mille failth," +an' Joolyus Caesar, th' sage iv Waukeesha, says, "Whin ye're in Rome, +do th' Romans." Nebuchedneezar--there's a name f'r ye--th' sage iv +I-dinnaw-where, says: "Ye can't ate ye'er hay an' have it." Solomon, th' +sage iv Sageville, said, "Whin a man's marrid his throubles begins," an' +Adam, th' sage iv Eden, put it that "A snake in th' grass is worth two +in th' boots." Ye'll see be this, me good an' thrue frinds, that th' +voices fr'm th' tombs is united in wan gran' chorus f'r th' ticket ye +have nommynated. I will say no more, but on a future occasion, whin I've +been down in southern Injyanny, I'll tell ye what th' sages an' fathers +iv th' party in th' Ancient an' Hon'rable Association iv Mound-Builders +had to say about th' prisint crisis.'" + +"'Tisn't Bryan alone, Mack's th' same way. They're both ancesther +worshippers, like th' Chinese, Hinnissy. An' what I'd like to know is +what Thomas Jefferson knew about th' throubles iv ye an' me? Divvle a +wurrud have I to say again' Thomas. He was a good man in his day, though +I don't know that his battin' av'rage 'd be high again' th' pitchin' iv +these times. I have a gr-reat rayspict f'r the sages an' I believe +in namin' sthreets an' public schools afther thim. But suppose Thomas +Jefferson was to come back here now an' say to himsilf: 'They'se a good +dimmycrat up in Ar-rchy road an' I think I'll dhrop in on him an' talk +over th' issues iv th' day.' Well, maybe he cud r-ride his old gray mare +up an' not be kilt be the throlley cars, an' maybe th' la-ads'd think he +was crazy an' not murdher him f'r his clothes. An' maybe they wudden't. +But annyhow, suppose he got here, an' afther he'd fumbled ar-round at +th' latch--f'r they had sthrings on th' dure in thim days--I let him in. +Well, whin I've injooced him to take a bowl iv red liquor--f'r in his +time th' dhrink was white--an' explained how th' seltzer comes out an' +th' cash raygisther wurruks, an' wather is dhrawn fr'm th' fassit, an' +gas is lighted fr'm th' burner, an' got him so he wud not bump his head +again' th' ceilin' ivry time th' beer pump threw a fit--afther that we'd +talk iv the pollytical situation." + +"'How does it go?' says Thomas. 'Well,' says I, 'it looks as though +Ioway was sure raypublican,' says I. 'Ioway?' says he. 'What's that?' +says he. 'Ioway,' says I, 'is a state,' says I. 'I niver heerd iv it,' +says he. 'Faith ye did not,' says I. 'But it's a state just th' same, +an' full iv corn an' people,' I says. 'An' why is it raypublican?' +says he. 'Because,' says I, 'th' people out there is f'r holdin' th' +Ph'lippeens,' says I. 'What th' divvle ar-re th' Ph'lippeens?' says he. +'Is it a festival,' says he, 'or a dhrink?' he says. 'Faith, 'tis small +wondher ye don't know,' says I, 'f'r 'tis mesilf was weak on it a year +ago,' I says. 'Th' Ph'lippeens is an issue,' says I, 'an' islands,' says +I, 'an' a public nuisance,' I says. 'But,' I says, 'befure we go anny +further on this subject,' I says, 'd'ye know where Minnysota is, or +Westconsin, or Utah, or Californya, or Texas, or Neebrasky?' says I. 'I +do not,' says he. 'D'ye know that since ye'er death there has growed +up on th' shore iv Lake Mitchigan a city that wud make Rome look like a +whistlin' station--a city that has a popylation iv eight million people +till th' census rayport comes out?' I says. 'I niver heerd iv it,' he +says. 'D'ye know that I can cross th' ocean in six days, an' won't; that +if annything doesn't happen in Chiny I can larn about it in twinty-four +hours if I care to know; that if ye was in Wash'nton I cud call ye up +be tillyphone an ye'er wire'd be busy?' I says. 'I do not,' says Thomas +Jefferson. 'Thin,' says I, 'don't presume to advise me,' I says, 'that +knows these things an' manny more,' I says. 'An' whin ye go back where +ye come fr'm an' set down with th' rest iv th' sages to wondher whether +a man cud possibly go fr'm Richmond to Boston in a week, tell thim,' I +says, 'that in their day they r-run a corner grocery an' to-day,' says +I, 'we're op'ratin' a sixteen-story department store an' puttin' in +ivrything fr'm an electhric lightin' plant to a set iv false teeth,' I +says. An' I hist him on his horse an' ask a polisman to show him th' way +home." + +"Be hivins, Hinnissy, I want me advice up-to-date, an' whin Mack an' +Willum Jennings tells me what George Wash'nton an' Thomas Jefferson +said, I says to thim: 'Gintlemen, they larned their thrade befure th' +days iv open plumbin',' I says. 'Tell us what is wanted ye'ersilf or +call in a journeyman who's wurrukin' card is dated this cinchry,' I +says. 'An' I'm r-right too, Hinnissy.'" + +"Well," said Mr. Hennessy, slowly, "those ol' la-ads was level-headed." + +"Thrue f'r ye," said Mr. Dooley. "But undher th' new iliction laws ye +can't vote th' cimitries." + + + + +_The_ NEGRO PROBLEM + + +"What's goin' to happen to th' naygur?" asked Mr. Hennessy. + +"Well," said Mr. Dooley, "he'll ayther have to go to th' north an' be +a subjick race, or stay in th' south an' be an objick lesson. 'Tis a +har-rd time he'll have, annyhow. I'm not sure that I'd not as lave be +gently lynched in Mississippi as baten to death in New York. If I was +a black man, I'd choose th' cotton belt in prifrince to th' belt on th' +neck fr'm th' polisman's club. I wud so." + +"I'm not so much throubled about th' naygur whin he lives among his +opprissors as I am whin he falls into th' hands iv his liberators. Whin +he's in th' south he can make up his mind to be lynched soon or late an' +give his attintion to his other pleasures iv composin' rag-time music +on a banjo, an' wurrukin' f'r th' man that used to own him an' now on'y +owes him his wages. But 'tis th' divvle's own hardship f'r a coon to +step out iv th' rooms iv th' S'ciety f'r th' Brotherhood iv Ma-an where +he's been r-readin' a pome on th' 'Future of th' Moke' an' be pursooed +be a mob iv abolitionists till he's dhriven to seek polis protection, +which, Hinnissy, is th' polite name f'r fracture iv th' skull. + +"I was f'r sthrikin' off th' shackles iv th' slave, me la-ad. 'Twas +thrue I didn't vote f'r it, bein' that I heerd Stephen A. Douglas say +'twas onconstitootional, an' in thim days I wud go to th' flure with +anny man f'r th' constitootion. I'm still with it, but not sthrong. It's +movin' too fast f'r me. But no matther. Annyhow I was f'r makin' +th' black man free, an' though I shtud be th' south as a spoortin' +proposition I was kind iv glad in me heart whin Gin'ral Ulyss S. Grant +bate Gin'ral Lee an' th' rest iv th' Union officers captured Jeff Davis. +I says to mesilf, 'Now,' I says,'th' coon'll have a chanst f'r his +life,' says I, 'an' in due time we may injye him,' I says. + +"An' sure enough it looked good f'r awhile, an' th' time come whin th' +occas'nal dollar bill that wint acrost this bar on pay night wasn't good +money onless it had th' name iv th' naygur on it. In thim days they +was a young la-ad--a frind iv wan iv th' Donohue boys--that wint to th' +public school up beyant, an' he was as bright a la-ad as ye'd want to +see in a day's walk. Th' larnin' iv him wud sind Father Kelly back to +his grammar. He cud spell to make a hare iv th' hedge schoolmasther, +he was as quick at figures as th' iddycated pig they showed in th' +tint las' week in Haley's vacant lot, and in joggerphy, asthronomy, +algybbera, jommethry, chimisthry, physiojnomy, bassoophly an' fractions, +I was often har-rd put mesilf to puzzle him. I heerd him gradyooate an' +his composition was so fine very few cud make out what he meant. + +"I met him on th' sthreet wan day afther he got out iv school. 'What +ar-re ye goin' to do f'r ye'ersilf, Snowball,' says I--his name was +Andhrew Jackson George Wash'n'ton Americus Caslateras Beresford Vanilla +Hicks, but I called him 'Snowball,' him bein' as black as coal, d'ye +see--I says to him: 'What ar-re ye goin' to do f'r ye'ersilf?' I says. +'I'm goin' to enther th' profission iv law,' he says, 'where be me +acooman an' industhry I hope,' he says, 'f'r to rise to be a judge,' he +says, 'a congrissman,' he says, 'a sinator,' he says, 'an' p'rhaps,' he +says, 'a prisidint iv th' United States,' he says. 'Theyse nawthin to +prevint,' he says. 'Divvle a thing,' says I. 'Whin we made ye free,' +says I, 'we opened up all these opporchunities to ye,' says I. 'Go +on,' says I, 'an' enjye th' wealth an' position conferred on ye be th' +constitootion,' I says. 'On'y,' I says, 'don't be too free,' I says. +'Th' freedom iv th' likes iv ye is a good thing an' a little iv it goes +a long way,' I says, 'an' if I ever hear iv ye bein' prisidint iv th' +United States,' I says, 'I'll take me whitewashing' away fr'm ye'er +father, ye excelsior hair, poached-egg eyed, projiny iv tar,' I says, +f'r me Anglo-Saxon feelin' was sthrong in thim days. + +"Well, I used to hear iv him afther that defindin' coons in th' +polis coort, an' now an' thin bein' mintioned among th' scatthrin' in +raypublican county con-vintions, an' thin he dhropped out iv sight. +'Twas years befure I see him again. Wan day I was walkin' up th' levee +smokin' a good tin cint seegar whin a coon wearin' a suit iv clothes +that looked like a stained glass window in th' house iv a Dutch brewer +an' a pop bottle in th' fr-ront iv his shirt, steps up to me an' he +says: 'How dy'e do, Mistah Dooley,' says he. 'Don't ye know me--Mistah +Hicks?' he says. 'Snowball,' says I. 'Step inside this dureway,' says I, +'less Clancy, th' polisman on th' corner, takes me f'r an octoroon,' I +says. 'What ar-re ye do-in'?' says I. 'How did ye enjye th' prisidincy?' +says I. He laughed an' told me th' story iv his life. He wint to +practisin' law an' found his on'y clients was coons, an' they had no +assets but their vote at th' prim'ry. Besides a warrant f'r a moke was +the same as a letther iv inthroduction to th' warden iv th' pinitinchry. +Th' on'y thing left f'r th' lawyer to do was to move f'r a new thrile +an' afther he'd got two or three he thought ol' things was th' best +an' ye do well to lave bad enough alone. He got so sick iv chicken he +cudden't live on his fees an' he quit th' law an' wint into journalism. +He r-run 'Th' Colored Supplimint,' but it was a failure, th' taste iv +th' public lanin' more to quadhroon publications, an' no man that owned +a resthrant or theaytre or dhrygoods store'd put in an adver-tisemint +f'r fear th' subscribers'd see it an' come ar-round. Thin he attimpted +to go into pollytics, an' th' best he cud get was carryin' a bucket iv +wather f'r a Lincoln Club. He thried to larn a thrade an' found th' on'y +place a naygur can larn a thrade is in prison an' he can't wurruk at +that without committin' burglary. He started to take up subscriptions +f'r a sthrugglin' church an' found th' profission was overcrowded. +'Fin'ly,' says he, ''twas up to me to be a porther in a saloon or go +into th' on'y business,' he says, 'in which me race has a chanst,' he +says. 'What's that?' says I. 'Craps,' says he. 'I've opened a palachal +imporyium,' he says, 'where,' he says, ''twud please me very much,' he +says, 'me ol' abolitionist frind,' he says, 'if ye'd dhrop in some day,' +he says, 'an' I'll roll th' sweet, white bones f'r ye,' he says. ''Tis +th' hope iv me people,' he says. 'We have an even chanst at ivry other +pursoot,' he says, 'but 'tis on'y in craps we have a shade th' best iv +it,' he says." + +"So there ye ar-re, Hinnissy. An' what's it goin' to come to, says ye? +Faith, I don't know an' th' naygurs don't know, an' be hivins, I think +if th' lady that wrote th' piece we used to see at th' Halsted Sthreet +Opry House come back to earth, she wudden't know. I used to be all broke +up about Uncle Tom, but cud I give him a job tindin' bar in this here +liquor store? I freed th' slave, Hinnissy, but, faith, I think' twas +like tur-rnin' him out iv a panthry into a cellar." + +"Well, they got to take their chances," said Mr. Hennessy. "Ye can't do +annything more f'r thim than make thim free." + +"Ye can't," said Mr. Dooley; "on'y whin ye tell thim they're free they +know we're on'y sthringin' thim." + + + + +_The_ AMERICAN STAGE + + +"I've niver been much iv a hand f'r th' theaytre," said Mr. Dooley. +"Whin I was a young man an' Crosby's Opry house was r-runnin' I used to +go down wanst in a while an' see Jawn Dillon throwin' things around f'r +th' amusemint iv th' popylace an' whin Shakespere was played I often +had a seat in th' gal'ry, not because I liked th' actin', d'ye mind, but +because I'd heerd me frind Hogan speak iv Shakespere. He was a good man, +that Shakespere, but his pieces is full iv th' ol' gags that I heerd +whin I was a boy. Th' throuble with me about goin' to plays is that +no matther where I set I cud see some hired man in his shirt sleeves +argyin' with wan iv his frinds about a dog fight while Romeo was makin' +th' kind iv love ye wuddent want ye'er daughter to hear to Juliet in th' +little bur-rd cage they calls a balcony. It must've been because I wanst +knowed a man be th' name iv Gallagher that was a scene painter that I +cud niver get mesilf to th' pint iv concedin' that th' mountains that +other people agreed was manny miles in th' distance was in no danger +iv bein' rubbed off th' map be th' coat-tails iv wan iv th' principal +char-ackters. An' I always had me watch out to time th' moon whin' twas +shoved acrost th' sky an' th' record breakin' iv day in th' robbers' +cave where th' robbers don't dare f'r to shtep on the rock f'r fear +they'll stave it in. If day iver broke on th' level th' way it does on +th' stage 'twud tear th' bastin' threads out iv what Hogan calls th' +firmymint. Hogan says I haven't got th' dhramatic delusion an' he must +be r-right f'r ye can't make me believe that twinty years has elapsed +whin I know that I've on'y had time to pass th' time iv day with th' +bartinder nex' dure. + +"Plays is upside down, Hinnissy, an' inside out. They begin with a full +statement iv what's goin' to happen an' how it's goin' to come out +an' thin ye're asked to forget what ye heerd an' be surprised be th' +outcome. I always feel like goin' to th' office an' gettin' me money or +me lithograph pass back afther th' first act. + +"Th' way to write a play is f'r to take a book an' write it over hindend +foremost. They're puttin' all books on th' stage nowadays. Fox's +'Book iv Martyrs' has been done into a three-act farce-comedy an'll be +projooced be Delia Fox, th' author, nex' summer. Webster's 'Onabridge +Ditchnry' will be brought out as a society dhrama with eight hundherd +thousan' char-ackters. Th' 'Constitution iv th' United States' (a farce) +be Willum McKinley is r-runnin' to packed houses with th' cillybrated +thradeejan Aggynaldoo as th' villain. In th' sixteenth scene iv th' last +act they'se a naygur lynchin'. James H. Wilson, th' author iv 'Silo an' +Ensilage, a story f'r boys,' is dhramatizin' his cillybrated wurruk an' +will follow it with a dhramatic version iv 'Sugar Beet Culture,' a farm +play. 'Th' Familiar Lies iv Li Hung Chang' is expicted to do well in th' +provinces an' Hostetter's Almanac has all dates filled, I undherstand +th' bible'll be r-ready f'r th' stage undher th'direction iv Einstein +an' Opperman befure th' first iv th' year. Some changes has been +niciss'ry f'r to adapt it to stage purposes, I see be th' pa-apers. Th' +authors has become convinced that Adam an' Eve must be carrid through +th' whole play, so they have considerably lessened th' time between th' +creation an' th' flood an' have made Adam an English nobleman with a +shady past an' th' Divvle a Fr-rinch count in love with Eve. They're +rescued be Noah, th' faithful boatman who has a comic naygur son." + +"I see be th' pa-aper th' stage is goin' to th' dogs what with it's +Sappho's an' th' like iv that," said Mr. Hennessy. + +"Well, it isn't what it used to be," said Mr. Dooley, "in th' days whin +'twas th' purpose iv th' hero to save th' honest girl from the clutches +iv th' villin in time to go out with him an' have a shell iv beer at +th' Dutchman's downstairs. In th' plays nowadays th' hero is more iv a +villain thin th' villain himsilf. He's th' sort iv a man that we used +to heave pavin' shtones at whin he come out iv th' stage dure iv th' +Halsted Sthreet Opry House. To be a hero ye've first got to be an +Englishman, an' as if that wasn't bad enough ye've got to have committed +as many crimes as th' late H. H. Holmes. If he'd been born in England +he'd be a hero. Ye marry a woman who swears an' dhrinks an' bets on th' +races an' ye quarrel with her. Th' r-rest iv th' play is made up iv hard +cracks be all th' char-ack-ters at each others' morals. This is called +repartee be th' learned, an' Hogan. Repartee is where I say: 'Ye stole +a horse' an' ye say: 'But think iv ye'er wife!' In Ar-rchy r-road 'tis +called disordherly conduct. They'se another play on where a man r-runs +off with a woman that's no betther thin she ought to be. He bates her +an' she marries a burglar. Another wan is about a lady that ates dinner +with a German. He bites her an' she hits him with a cabbage. Thin +they'se a play about an English gintleman iv th' old school who thries +to make a girl write a letter f'r him an' if she don't he'll tell on +her. He doesn't tell an' so he's rewarded with th' love iv th' heroine, +an honest English girl out f'r th' money." + +"Nobody's marrid in th' modhern play, Hinnissy, an' that's a good thing, +too, f'r annywan that got marrid wud have th' worst iv it. In th' ol' +times th' la-ads that announces what's goin' to happen in the first act, +always promised ye a happy marredge in th' end an' as ivrybody's lookin' +f'r a happy marredge, that held the aujeence. Now ye know that th' hero +with th' wretched past is goin' to elope with th' dhrunken lady an' th' +play is goin' to end with th' couples prettily divorced in th' centher +iv th' stage. 'Tis called real life an' mebbe that's what it is, but f'r +me I don't want to see real life on th' stage. I can see that anny day. +What I want is f'r th' spotless gintleman to saw th' la-ad with th' +cigareet into two-be-fours an' marry th' lady that doesn't dhrink much +while th' aujeence is puttin' on their coats." + +"Why don't they play Shakespere any more?" Mr. Hennessy asked. + +"I undherstand," said Mr. Dooley, "that they're goin' to dhramatize +Shakespere whin th' dhramatizer gets through with th' 'Report iv th' +Cinsus Department f'r 1899-1900.'" + + + + +TROUBLES OF A CANDIDATE + + +"I wisht th' campaign was over," said Mr. Dooley. + +"I wisht it'd begin," said Mr. Hennessy. "I niver knew annything so +dead. They ain't been so much as a black eye give or took in th' ward +an' its less thin two months to th' big day." + +"'Twill liven up," said Mr. Dooley, "I begin to see signs iv th' good +times comin' again. 'Twas on'y th' other day me frind Tiddy Rosenfelt +opened th' battle mildly be insinuatin' that all dimmycrats was liars, +horse thieves an' arnychists. 'Tis thrue he apologized f'r that be +explainin' that he didn't mean all dimmycrats but on'y those that +wudden't vote f'r Mack but I think he'll take th' copper off befure +manny weeks. A ladin' dimmycratic rayformer has suggested that Mack +though a good man f'r an idjiot is surrounded be th' vilest scoundhrels +iver seen in public life since th' days iv Joolyus Caesar. Th' Sicrety +iv th' Threeasury has declared, that Mr. Bryan in sayin' that silver is +not convartible be th' terms iv th' Slatthry bankin' law iv 1870, +an' th' sicond clause iv th' threaty iv Gansville, has committed th' +onpard'nable pollytical sin iv so consthructin' th' facts as to open +up th' possibility iv wan not knowin' th' thrue position iv affairs, +misundhersthandin' intirely. If he had him outside he'd call him a liar. +Th' raypublicans have proved that Willum Jennings Bryan is a thraitor +be th' letther written be Dr. Lem Stoggins, th' cillybrated antithought +agytator iv Spooten Duyvil to Aggynaldoo in which he calls upon him to +do nawthin' till he hears fr'm th' doc. Th' letther was sint through +th' postal authorities an' as they have established no post-office +in Aggynaldoo's hat they cudden't deliver it an' they opened it. Upon +r-readin' th' letther Horace Plog iv White Horse, Minnesota, has wrote +to Willum Jennings Bryan declarin' that if he (Plog) iver went to th' +Ph'lippeens, which he wud've done but f'r th' way th' oats was sproutin' +in th' stack, an' had been hit with a bullet he'd ixpict th' Coroner to +hold Bryan to th' gran' jury. This was followed be th' publication iv a +letther fr'm Oscar L. Swub iv East Persepalis, Ohio, declarin' that his +sister heerd a cousin iv th' man that wash'd buggies in a livery stable +in Canton say Mack's hired man tol' him Mack'd be hanged befure he'd +withdraw th' ar-rmy fr'm Cuba." + +"Oh, I guess th' campaign is doin' as well as cud be ixpicted. I see be +th' raypublican pa-apers that Andhrew Carnegie has come out f'r Bryan +an' has conthributed wan half iv his income or five hundhred millyon +dollars to th' campaign fund. In th' dimmycratic pa-apers I r-read that +Chairman Jim Jones has inthercipted a letther fr'm the Prince iv Wales +to Mack congratulatin' him on his appintmint as gintleman-in-waitin' +to th' queen. A dillygation iv Mormons has started fr'm dimmycratic +headquarthers to thank Mack f'r his manly stand in favor iv poly-gamy +an' th' raypublican comity has undher con-sideration a letther fr'm long +term criminals advisin' their colleagues at large to vote f'r Willum +Jennings Bryan, th' frind iv crime." + +"In a few short weeks, Hinnissy, 'twill not be safe f'r ayether iv +the candydates to come out on th' fr-ront porch till th' waitin' +dillygations has been searched be a polisman. 'Tis th' divvle's own +time th' la-ads that r-runs f'r th' prisidincy has since that ol' boy +Burchard broke loose again' James G. Blaine. Sinitor Jones calls wan iv +his thrusty hinchman to his side, an' says he: 'Mike, put on a pig-tail, +an' a blue shirt an' take a dillygation iv Chinnymen out to Canton an' +congratulate Mack on th' murdher iv mission'ries in China. An',' he +says, 'ye might stop off at Cincinnati on th' way over an' arrange f'r +a McKinley an' Rosenfelt club to ilict th' British Consul its prisidint +an' attack th' office iv th' German newspaper,' he says. Mark Hanna +rings f'r his sicrety an', says he: 'Have ye got off th' letther fr'm +George Fred Willums advisin' Aggynaldoo to pizen th' wells?' 'Yes +sir.' 'An' th' secret communication fr'm Bryan found on an arnychist at +Pattherson askin' him to blow up th' White House?' 'It's in th' hands +iv th' tyepwriter.' 'Thin call up an employmint agency an' have a +dillygation iv Jesuites dhrop in at Lincoln, with a message fr'm th' +pope proposin' to bur-rn all Protestant churches th' night befure +iliction.'" + +"I tell ye, Hinnissy, th' candydate is kept mov-in'. Whin he sees a +dilly-gation pikin' up th' lawn he must be r-ready. He makes a flyin' +leap f'r th' chairman, seizes him by th' throat an' says: 'I thank +ye f'r th' kind sintimints ye have conveyed. I am, indeed, as ye have +remarked, th' riprisintative iv th' party iv manhood, honor, courage, +liberality an' American thraditions. Take that back to Jimmy Jones an' +tell him to put it in his pipe an' smoke it.' With which he bounds into +th' house an' locks the dure while th' baffled conspirators goes down +to a costumer an' changes their disguise. If th' future prisidint hadn't +been quick on th' dhraw he'd been committed to a policy iv sthranglin' +all the girl babies at birth." + +"No,'tis no aisy job bein' a candydate, an' 'twud be no easy job if th' +game iv photygraphs was th' on'y wan th' candydates had to play. Willum +Jennings Bryan is photygraphed smilin' back at his smilin' corn fields, +in a pair iv blue overalls with a scythe in his hand borrid fr'm th' +company that's playin' 'Th' Ol' Homestead,' at th' Lincoln Gran' Opry +House. Th' nex' day Mack is seen mendin' a rustic chair with a monkey +wrinch, Bryan has a pitcher took in th' act iv puttin' on a shirt marked +with th' union label, an' they'se another photygraph iv Mack carryin' +a scuttle iv coal up th' cellar stairs. An' did ye iver notice how much +th' candydates looks alike, an' how much both iv thim looks like Lydia +Pinkham? Thim wondherful boardhin'-house smiles that our gifted +leaders wears, did ye iver see annythin' so entrancin'? Whin th' las' +photygrapher has packed his ar-ms homeward I can see th' gr-reat men +retirin' to their rooms an' lettin' their faces down f'r a few minyits +befure puttin' thim up again in curl-pa-apers f'r th' nex' day display. +Glory be, what a relief 'twill be f'r wan iv thim to raysume permanently +th' savage or fam'ly breakfast face th' mornin' afther iliction! What a +raylief 'twill be to no f'r sure that th' man at th' dure bell is on'y +th' gas collector an' isn't loaded with a speech iv thanks in behalf iv +th' Spanish Gover'mint! What a relief to snarl at wife an' frinds wanst +more, to smoke a seegar with th' thrust magnate that owns th' +cider facthry near th' station, to take ye'er nap in th' afthernoon +undisthurbed be th' chirp iv th' snap-shot! 'Tis th' day afther iliction +I'd like f'r to be a candydate, Hinnissy, no matther how it wint." + +"An' what's become iv th' vice-prisidintial candydates?" Mr. Hennessy +asked. + +"Well," said Mr. Dooley, "Th' las' I heerd iv Adly, I didn't hear +annythin', an' th' las' I heerd iv Tiddy he'd made application to th' +naytional comity f'r th' use iv Mack as a soundin' board." + + + + +A BACHELOR'S LIFE + + +"It's always been a wondher to me," said Mr. Hennessy, "ye niver +marrid." + +"It's been a wondher to manny," Mr. Dooley replied haughtily. "Maybe if +I'd been as aisy pleased as most--an' this is not sayin' annything again +you an' ye'ers, Hinnisy, f'r ye got much th' best iv it--I might be th' +father iv happy childher an' have money in th' bank awaitin' th' day +whin th' intherest on th' morgedge fell due. 'Tis not f'r lack iv +opportunities I'm here alone, I tell ye that me bucko, f'r th' time was +whin th' sound iv me feet'd brings more heads to th' windies iv Ar-rchey +r-road thin'd bob up to see ye'er fun'ral go by. An' that's manny a +wan." + +"Ah, well," said Mr. Hennessy, "I was but jokin' ye." His tone mollified +his friend, who went on: "To tell ye th' truth, Hinnissy, th' raison I +niver got marrid was I niver cud pick a choice. I've th' makin' iv an +ixcillint ol' Turk in me, to be sure, f'r I look on all the sect as +iligeable f'r me hand an' I'm on'y resthrained fr'm r-rentin' Lincoln +Park f'r a home an' askin' thim all to clave on'y to me, be me nachral +modesty an' th' laws iv th' State iv Illinye. 'Twas always so with me +an' I think it is so with most men that dies bachelors. Be r-readin' +th' pa-apers ye'd think a bachelor was a man bor-rn with a depraved +an' parvarse hathred iv wan iv our most cherished institootions, an' +anti-expansionist d'ye mind. But'tis no such thing. A bachelor's a man +that wud extind his benificint rule over all th' female wurruld, fr'm +th' snow-capped girls iv Alaska to th' sunny eileens iv th' Passyfic. +A marrid man's a person with a limited affection--a protictionist +an' anti-expansionist, a mugwump, be hivins. 'Tis th' bachelor that's +keepin' alive th' rivrince f'r th' sect. + +"Whin I was a young man, ye cud search fr'm wan end iv th' town to th' +other f'r me akel with th' ladies. Ye niver see me in them days, but +'twas me had a rogue's eye an' a leg far beyant th' common r-run iv +props. I cud dance with th' best iv thim, me voice was that sthrong +'twas impossible to hear annywan else whin I sung 'Th' Pretty Maid +Milkin' th' Cow,' an' I was dhressed to kill on Sundahs. 'Twas thin +I bought th' hat ye see me wear at th' picnic. 'Twas 'Good mornin', +Misther Dooley, an' will ye come in an' have a cup iv tay,' an' 'How +d'ye do Misther Dooley, I didn't see ye at mass this mornin',' an' +'Martin, me boy, dhrop in an' take a hand at forty-fives. Th' young +ladies has been ask in' me ar-re ye dead.' I was th' pop'lar idol, ye +might say, an' manny's th' black look I got over th' shouldher at picnic +an' wake. But I minded thim little. If a bull again me come fr'm th' +pope himsilf in thim days whin me heart was high, I'd tuck it in me +pocket an' say: 'I'll r-read it whin I get time.'" + +"Well, I'd take one iv th' girls out in me horse an' buggy iv a Sundah +an' I'd think she was th' finest in th' wurruld an' I'd be sayin' all +kinds iv jokin' things to her about marredge licenses bein' marked down +on account iv th' poor demand an' how th' parish priest was thinkin' iv +bein' thransferred to a parish where th' folks was more kindly disposed +to each other an' th' likes iv that, whin out iv th' corner iv me eye +I'd see another girl go by, an' bless me if I cud keep th' lid iv me +r-right eye still or hold me tongue fr'm such unfortchnit remark as: +'That there Molly Heaney's th' fine girl, th' fine, sthrappin' girl, +don't ye think so?' Well, ye know, afther that I might as well be +dhrivin' an ice wagon as a pleasure rig; more thin wanst I near lost th' +tip iv me nose in th' jamb iv th' dure thryin' to give an affictshionate +farewell. An' so it wint on, till I got th' repytation iv a flirt an' a +philandhrer f'r no raison at all, d'ye mind, but me widespread fondness. +I like thim all, dark an' light, large an' small, young an' old, marrid +an' single, widdied an' divorced, an' so I niver marrid annywan. But +ye'll find me photygraft in some albums an' me bills in more thin wan +livery stable." + +"I think marrid men gets on th' best f'r they have a home an' fam'ly to +lave in th' mornin' an' a home an' fam'ly to go back to at night; that +makes thim wurruk. Some men's domestic throubles dhrives thim to dhrink, +others to labor. Ye r-read about a man becomin' a millyonaire an' ye +think he done it be his own exertions whin 'tis much again little 'twas +th' fear iv comin' home impty handed an' dislike iv stayin' ar-round th' +house all day that made him rich. Misther Standard Ile takes in millyons +in a year but he might be playin' dominoes in an injine house if it +wasn't f'r Mrs. Standard Ile. 'Tis th' thought iv that dear quiet lady +at home, in her white cap with her ca'm motherly face, waitin' patiently +f'r him with a bell-punch that injooces him to put a shtick iv dinnymite +in somebody else's ile well an' bury his securities whin th' assissor +comes ar-round. Near ivry man's property ought to be in wife's name an' +most iv it is. + +"But with a bachelor 'tis diff'rent. Ye an' I ar-re settin' here +together an' Clancy dhrops in. Clancy's wife's away an' he's out f'r a +good time an' he comes to me f'r it. A bachelor's f'r th' enjymint of +his marrid frinds' vacations. Whin Clancy's wife's at home an' I go to +see him he r-runs th' pail out in a valise, an' we take our criminal +dhrink in th' woodshed. Well, th' three iv us sits here an' pass th' +dhrink an' sing our songs iv glee till about ilivin o'clock; thin ye +begin to look over ye'er shouldher ivry time ye hear a woman's voice an' +fin'lly ye get up an' yawn an' dhrink ivrything on th' table an' gallop +home. Clancy an' I raysume our argymint on th' Chinese sityation an' +afterwards we carol together me singin' th' chune an' him doin' a razor +edge tinor. Thin he tells me how much he cares f'r me an' proposes to +rassle me an' weeps to think how bad he threats his wife an' begs me +niver to marry, f'r a bachelor's life's th' on'y wan, an' 'tis past +two o'clock whin I hook him on a frindly polisman an' sind him +thrippin'--th' polisman--down th' sthreet. All r-right so far. But in +th' mornin' another story. If Clancy gets home an' finds his wife's +rayturned fr'm th' seaside or th' stock yards, or whereiver'tis she's +spint her vacation, they'se no r-rest f'r him in th' mornin'. His head +may sound in his ears like a automobill an' th' look iv an egg may make +his knees thremble, but he's got to be off to th' blacksmith shop, +an' hiven help his helper that mornin'. So Clancy's gettin' r-rich an' +puttin' a coopoly on his house." + +"But with me 'tis diff'rent. Whin Phibbius Apollo as Hogan calls th' +sun, raises his head above th' gas house, I'm cuddled up in me couch +an' Morpus, gawd iv sleep, has a sthrangle holt on me. Th' alarm clock +begins to go off an' I've just sthrength enough to raise up an' fire +it through th' window. Two hours aftherward I have a gleam iv human +intillygince an' hook me watch out fr'm undher th' pillow. 'It's eight +o'clock,' says I. 'But is it eight in th' mornin' or eight in th' +evenin'?' says I. 'Faith, I dinnaw, an' divvle a bit care I. Eight's +on'y a number,' says I. 'It riprisints nawthin',' says I." + +"They'se hours enough in th' day f'r a free man. I'll turr-n over an' +sleep till eight-wan and thin I'll wake up refrished,' I says. 'Tis +ilivin o'clock whin me tired lids part f'r good an' Casey has been here +to pay me eight dollars an' findin' me not up has gone away f'r another +year." + +"A marrid man gets th' money, Hinnissy, but a bachelor man gets +th' sleep. Whin all me marrid frinds is off to wurruk pound in' th' +ongrateful sand an' wheelin' th' rebellyous slag, in th' heat iv th' +afthernoon, ye can see ye'er onfortchnit bachelor frind perambulatin' up +an' down th' shady side iv th' sthreet, with an umbrelly over his head +an' a wurrud iv cheer fr'm young an' old to enliven his loneliness." + +"But th' childher?" asked Mr. Hennessy slyly. + +"Childher!" said Mr. Dooley. "Sure I have th' finest fam'ly in th' city. +Without scandal I'm th' father iv ivry child in Ar-rchey r-road fr'm end +to end." + +"An' none iv ye'er own," said Mr. Hennessy. + +"I wish to hell, Hinnissy," said Mr. Dooley savagely, "ye'd not lean +against that mirror, I don't want to have to tell ye again." + + + + +THE EDUCATION OF THE YOUNG + + +The troubled Mr. Hennessy had been telling Mr. Dooley about the +difficulty of making a choice of schools for Packy Hennessy, who at the +age of six was at the point where the family must decide his career. + +"'Tis a big question," said Mr. Dooley, "an' wan that seems to be +worryin' th' people more thin it used to whin ivry boy was designed +f'r th' priesthood, with a full undherstandin' be his parents that +th' chances was in favor iv a brick yard. Nowadays they talk about th' +edycation iv th' child befure they choose th' name. 'Tis: 'Th' kid talks +in his sleep. 'Tis th' fine lawyer he'll make.' Or, 'Did ye notice him +admirin' that photygraph? He'll be a gr-reat journalist.' Or, 'Look +at him fishin' in Uncle Tim's watch pocket. We must thrain him f'r a +banker.' Or, 'I'm afraid he'll niver be sthrong enough to wurruk. He +must go into th' church.' Befure he's baptized too, d'ye mind. 'Twill +not be long befure th' time comes whin th' soggarth'll christen th' +infant: 'Judge Pathrick Aloysius Hinnissy, iv th' Northern District iv +Illinye,' or 'Profissor P. Aloysius Hinnissy, LL.D., S.T.D., P.G.N., +iv th' faculty iv Nothre Dame.' Th' innocent child in his cradle, +wondherin' what ails th' mist iv him an' where he got such funny lookin' +parents fr'm, has thim to blame that brought him into th' wurruld if he +dayvilops into a sicond story man befure he's twinty-wan an' is took up +be th' polis. Why don't you lade Packy down to th' occylist an' have him +fitted with a pair iv eyeglasses? Why don't ye put goloshes on him, give +him a blue umbrelly an' call him a doctor at wanst an' be done with it?" + +"To my mind, Hinnissy, we're wastin' too much time thinkin' iv th' +future iv our young, an' thryin' to larn thim early what they oughtn't +to know till they've growed up. We sind th' childher to school as +if 'twas a summer garden where they go to be amused instead iv a +pinitinchry where they're sint f'r th' original sin. Whin I was a la-ad +I was put at me ah-bee abs, th' first day I set fut in th' school behind +th' hedge an' me head was sore inside an' out befure I wint home. Now +th' first thing we larn th' future Mark Hannas an' Jawn D. Gateses iv +our naytion is waltzin', singin', an' cuttin' pitchers out iv a book. +We'd be much betther teachin' thim th' sthrangle hold, f'r that's what +they need in life." + +"I know what'll happen. Ye'll sind Packy to what th' Germans call a +Kindygartin, an' 'tis a good thing f'r Germany, because all a German +knows is what some wan tells him, an' his grajation papers is +a certy-ficate that he don't need to think anny more. But we've +inthrajooced it into this counthry, an' whin I was down seein' if I cud +injooce Rafferry, th' Janitor iv th' Isaac Muggs Grammar School, f'r +to vote f'r Riordan--an' he's goin' to--I dhropped in on Cassidy's +daughter, Mary Ellen, an' see her kindygartnin'. Th' childher was +settin' ar-round on th' flure an' some was moldin' dachshunds out iv mud +an' wipin' their hands on their hair, an' some was carvin' figures iv a +goat out iv paste-board an' some was singin' an' some was sleepin' an' +a few was dancin' an' wan la-ad was pullin' another la-ad's hair. 'Why +don't ye take th' coal shovel to that little barbaryan, Mary Ellen?' +says I. 'We don't believe in corporeal punishment,' says she. 'School +shud be made pleasant f'r th' childher,' she says. 'Th' child who's hair +is bein' pulled is larnin' patience,' she says, 'an' th' child that's +pullin' th' hair is discovrin' th' footility iv human indeavor,' says +she. 'Well, oh, well,' says I, 'times has changed since I was a boy,' +I says. 'Put thim through their exercises,' says I. 'Tommy,' says I, +'spell cat,' I says. 'Go to th' divvle,' says th' cheerub. 'Very smartly +answered,' says Mary Ellen. 'Ye shud not ask thim to spell,' she says. +'They don't larn that till they get to colledge,' she says, 'an'' she +says, 'sometimes not even thin,' she says. 'An' what do they larn?' says +I. 'Rompin',' she says, 'an' dancin',' she says, 'an' indepindance +iv speech, an' beauty songs, an' sweet thoughts, an' how to make home +home-like,' she says. 'Well,' says I, 'I didn't take anny iv thim things +at colledge, so ye needn't unblanket thim,' I says. 'I won't put thim +through anny exercise today,' I says. 'But whisper, Mary Ellen,' says +I, 'Don't ye niver feel like bastin' th' seeraphims?' 'Th' teachin's iv +Freebull and Pitzotly is conthrary to that,' she says. 'But I'm goin' +to be marrid an' lave th' school on Choosdah, th' twinty-sicond iv +Janooary,' she says, 'an' on Mondah, th' twinty-first, I'm goin' to ask +a few iv th' little darlin's to th' house an',' she says, 'stew thim +over a slow fire,' she says. Mary Ellen is not a German, Hinnissy." + +"Well, afther they have larned in school what they ar-re licked +f'r larnin' in th' back yard--that is squashin' mud with their +hands--they're conducted up through a channel iv free an' beautiful +thought till they're r-ready f'r colledge. Mamma packs a few doylies an' +tidies into son's bag, an' some silver to be used in case iv throuble +with th' landlord, an' th' la-ad throts off to th' siminary. If he's not +sthrong enough to look f'r high honors as a middle weight pugilist he +goes into th' thought departmint. Th' prisidint takes him into a Turkish +room, gives him a cigareet an' says: 'Me dear boy, what special +branch iv larnin' wud ye like to have studied f'r ye be our compitint +profissors? We have a chair iv Beauty an' wan iv Puns an' wan iv Pothry +on th' Changin' Hues iv the Settin' Sun, an' wan on Platonic Love, an' +wan on Nonsense Rhymes, an' wan on Sweet Thoughts, an' wan on How Green +Grows th' Grass, an' wan on' th' Relation iv Ice to th' Greek Idee iv +God,' he says. 'This is all ye'll need to equip ye f'r th' perfect life, +onless,' he says, 'ye intind bein' a dintist, in which case,' he says, +'we won't think much iv ye, but we have a good school where ye can larn +that disgraceful thrade,' he says. An' th' la-ad makes his choice, an' +ivry mornin' whin he's up in time he takes a whiff iv hasheesh an' goes +off to hear Profissor Maryanna tell him that 'if th' dates iv human +knowledge must be rejicted as subjictive, how much more must they be +subjicted as rejictive if, as I think, we keep our thoughts fixed upon +th' inanity iv th' finite in comparison with th' onthinkable truth with +th' ondivided an' onimaginable reality. Boys ar-re ye with me?'" + +"That's at wan colledge-Th' Colledge iv Speechless Thought. Thin there's +th' Colledge iv Thoughtless Speech, where th' la-ad is larned that th' +best thing that can happen to annywan is to be prisident iv a railroad +consolidation. Th' head iv this colledge believes in thrainin' young men +f'r th' civic ideel, Father Kelly tells me. Th' on'y thrainin' I know +f'r th' civic ideel is to have an alarm clock in ye'er room on iliction +day. He believes 'young men shud be equipped with Courage, Discipline, +an' Loftiness iv Purpose;' so I suppose Packy, if he wint there, wud +listen to lectures fr'm th' Profissor iv Courage an' Erasmus H. Noddle, +Doctor iv Loftiness iv Purpose. I loft, ye loft, he lofts. I've always +felt we needed some wan to teach our young th' Courage they can't get +walkin' home in th' dark, an' th' loftiness iv purpose that doesn't +start with bein' hungry an' lookin' f'r wurruk. An' in th' colledge +where these studies are taught, its undhershtud that even betther thin +gettin' th' civic ideel is bein' head iv a thrust. Th' on'y trouble +with th' coorse is that whin Packy comes out loaded with loftiness iv +purpose, all th' lofts is full iv men that had to figure it out on th' +farm." + +"I don't undherstand a wurrud iv what ye're sayin'," said Mr. Hennesy. + +"No more do I," said Mr. Dooley. "But I believe 'tis as Father Kelly +says: 'Childher shudden't be sint to school to larn, but to larn how +to larn. I don't care what ye larn thim so long as 'tis onpleasant to +thim.' 'Tis thrainin' they need, Hinnissy. That's all. I niver cud make +use iv what I larned in colledge about thrigojoomethry an'--an'--grammar +an' th' welts I got on th' skull fr'm the schoolmasther's cane I have +nivver been able to turn to anny account in th' business, but 'twas th' +bein' there and havin' to get things to heart without askin' th' meanin' +iv thim an' goin' to school cold an' comin' home hungry, that made th' +man iv me ye see befure ye." + +"That's why th' good woman's throubled about Packy," said Hennessy. + +"Go home," said Mr. Dooley. + + + + +"L'AIGLON" + + +"Hogan's been tellin' me iv a new play he r-read th' other day," said +Mr. Dooley. "'Tis be th' same la-ad that wrote th' piece they played +down in th' Christyan Brothers' school last year about the man with th' +big nose, that wud dhraw a soord or a pome on e'er a man alive. This +wan is called 'The Little Eagle,' an' 'tis about th' son iv Napolyon th' +Impror iv th' Fr-rinch, th' first wan, not th' wan I had th' fight about +in Schwartzmeister's in eighteen hundhred an' siventy. Bad cess to that +man, he was no good. I often wondher why I shtud up f'r him whin he +had hardly wan frind in th' counthry. But I did, an' ye might say I'm a +vethran iv th' Napolyonic Wars. I am so. + +"But th' first Napolyon was a diff'rent man, an' whin he died he left a +son that th' coorts tur-rned over to th' custody iv his mother, th' ol' +man bein' on th' island--th' same place where Gin'ral Crownjoy is +now. Tis about this la-ad th' play's written. He don't look to be +much account havin' a hackin' cough all through the piece, but down +undherneath he wants to be impror iv th' Fr-rinch like his father befure +him, d'ye mind, on'y he don't dare to go out f'r it f'r fear iv catchin' +a bad cold on his chist. Th' Austhreeches that has charge iv him don't +like th' idee iv havin' him know what kind iv man his father was. Whin +he asks: 'Where's pah?' They say: 'He died in jail.' 'What happened in +1805?' says th' boy. 'In 1805,' says th' Austhreeches, 'th' bar-rn blew +down.' 'In 1806?' says th' boy. 'In 1806 th' chimney smoked.' 'Not so,' +says th' prince. 'In 1806 me father crossed th' Rhine an' up,' he says, +'th' ar-rmed camps he marched to Augaspiel, to Lieberneck, to Donnervet. +He changed his boots at Mikelstraus an' down th' eagle swooped on +Marcobrun,' he says. 'Me gran'dad fled as flees th' hen befure th' hawk, +but dad stayed not till gran'pa, treed, besought f'r peace. That's +what me father done unto me gran'dad in eighteen six.' At this p'int he +coughs but ye sees he knew what was goin' on, bein' taught in secret be +a lady iv th' stage fr'm whom manny a la-ad cud larn th' truth about his +father. + +"Still he can't be persuaded f'r to apply f'r th' vacant improrship on +account iv his lungs, till wan day a tailor shows up to measure him f'r +some clothes. Th' tailor d'ye mind is a rivolutionist in disguise, +an' has come down fr'm Paris f'r to injooce th' young man to take th' +vacancy. 'Fourteen, six, thirty-three. How'll ye have th' pants made, +Impror?' says th' tailor. 'Wan or two hip pockets?' says he. + +"'Two hips,' says young Napolyon. 'What do ye mean be that?'" he says. + +"'Thirty-eight, siventeen, two sides, wan watch, buckle behind. All +Paris awaits ye, sire.'" + +"'Make th' sleeves a little longer thin this,' says th' boy. 'An' fill +out th' shouldhers. What proof have I?'" + +"'Wan or two inside pockets?' says th' tailor. 'Two insides. Hankerchief +pocket? Wan hankerchief. Th' pants is warn much fuller this year. Make +that twinty-eight instid iv twinty-siven,' he says. 'Paris shrieks f'r +ye,' he says. + +"'Proof,' says th' la-ad. + +"'They've named a perfume afther ye, a shirt waist, a paper collar, +a five cint seegar, a lot iv childer. Nay more, a breakfast dish +christened f'r ye is on ivry lip. Will I forward th' soot collect?' he +says. + +"'No, sind th' bill to me mother,' says th' boy. 'An' meet me in th' +park at tin,' he says. + +"So 'tis planned to seize th' throne, but it comes to nawthin'." + +"Why's that?" asked Mr. Hennessy. + +"F'r th' same reason that the Irish rivolution failed, th' polis +stopped it. Th' con-spirators met in th' park an' were nailed be a park +polisman. They didn't run in th' boy, but left him alone in th' place +which was where his father wanst fought a battle. As he shtands there +coughin' he begins to hear voices iv soops that followed th' ol' Impror. +'Comrade' says wan. 'Give me ye'er hand.' 'I can't,' says another. 'I +haven't wan left.' 'Where's me leg?' 'Sarch me.' 'I've lost me voice.' +'Me mind is shot away.' 'Reach me some wather.' 'Pass th' can.' 'A horse +is settin' on me chest.' 'What's that? They'se a batthry iv artillery on +me.' 'I've broke something. What is it?' 'I cannot move me leg.' 'Curses +on the Cavalry.' 'Have ye got th' time?' 'Oh me knee, how it aches me.' +'Ha ha. Ha ha. Ha ha. Ha ha.' 'Veev, th' Impror.' 'Right about face, +shouldher ar-rms, right shouldher shift arms. March.' A harsh, +metallic voice in the distance: 'Gin-rals, leftnant Gin'rals, officers, +sooz-officers, an' men--.' 'Tis th' boy's father. Th' boy pulls out his +soord an' says he: 'Come on, let's fight. Play away there band. Blow +fife and banners wave. Lave me at thim. Come on, come on!' an' he rushes +out an' makes a stab at an Austhreech regimint that's come up to be +dhrilled. Thin he undherstands 'twas all a dhream with him an' he +raysumes his ol' job. In th' next act he dies." + +"That's a good act," said Mr. Hennessy. + +"'Tis fine. In Austhree where this happened whin a man dies ivrybody +comes in to see him. Ye meet a frind on th' sthreet an' he says: 'Come +on over an see Harrigan jump off.' So whin th' la-ad is r-ready f'r to +go out ivry body gathers in his room. 'Tis a fash'nable ivint, like th' +Horse Show. Among those prisint is his mother. She's a frivolous ol' +loon, this Marie Louisa, that was Napolyon's sicond wife, though between +you an' me, Father Kelly has niver reconized her as such, th' Impror +havin' a wife livin' that was as tough as they make thim. But annyhow +she was there. She hadn't done much f'r her son, but she come to see +him off with siv'ral ladies that loved him an' others. Bein' a busy an' +fashn'able woman she cudden't raymimber his name. At times she called +him 'Frank' an' thin 'Fronzwah' an' 'Fritz' an' 'Ferdynand'--'twas +a name beginnin' with 'f' she knew that--but he f'rgive her an' ast +somewan to r-read to him. 'What shall it be?' says a gin'ral. 'R-read +about th' time I was christened,' says th' boy. An' th' gin'ral r-reads: +'At iliven o'clock at th' church iv Nothre Dame in th' prisince iv +th' followin' princes--,' 'Cut out th' princes,' says th' la-ad. 'An' +kings--' 'F'rget th' kings,' says th' lad. 'Th' son iv th' Impror--' +'He's dead,' says th' doctor. 'Put on his white soot,' says th' Main +Thing among th' Austhreeches that was again him fr'm th' beginnin'. An' +there ye ar-re." + +"Is that all?" asked Mr. Hennessy. + +"That's all," said Mr. Dooley. + +"He died?" + +"He did." + +"But he was sthrong r-right up to th' end." + +"He was that. None sthronger." + +"An' what?" asked Mr. Hennessy, "did they do with th' soot iv clothes he +ordhered fr'm th' tailor?" + + + + +CASUAL OBSERVATIONS + + +To most people a savage nation is wan that doesn't wear oncomf'rtable +clothes. + + * * * * * + +Manny people'd rather be kilt at Newport thin at Bunker Hill. + + * * * * * + +If ye live enough befure thirty ye won't care to live at all afther +fifty. + + * * * * * + +As Shakespere says, be thrue to ye'ersilf an' ye will not thin be false +to ivry man. + + * * * * * + +Play actors, orators an' women ar-re a class be thimsilves. + + * * * * * + +Among men, Hinnissy, wet eye manes dhry heart. + + * * * * * + +Th' nearest anny man comes to a con-ciption iv his own death is lyin' +back in a comfortable coffin with his ears cocked f'r th' flatthrin' +remarks iv th' mourners. + + * * * * * + +A fanatic is a man that does what he thinks th' Lord wud do if He knew +th' facts iv th' case. + + * * * * * + +A millionyaire--or man out iv debt--wanst tol' me his dhreams always +took place in th' farm-house where he was bor-rn. He said th' dhreamin' +iv his life was th' on'y part that seemed real. + + * * * * * + +'Tis no job to find out who wrote an anonymous letter. Jus' look out iv +th' window whin ye get it. 'Tis harder to do evil thin good be stealth. + + * * * * * + +A German's idee iv Hivin is painted blue an' has cast-iron dogs on th' +lawn. + + * * * * * + +No man was iver so low as to have rayspict f'r his brother-in-law. + + * * * * * + +Th' modhren idee iv governmint is 'Snub th' people, buy th' people, jaw +th' people.' + + * * * * * + +I wisht I was a German an' believed in machinery. + + * * * * * + +A vote on th' tallysheet is worth two in the box. + + * * * * * + +I care not who makes th' laws iv a nation if I can get out an +injunction. + + * * * * * + +An Englishman appears resarved because he can't talk. + + * * * * * + +What China needs is a Chinese exclusion act. + + * * * * * + +All th' wurruld loves a lover--excipt sometimes th' wan that's all th' +wurruld to him. + + * * * * * + +A nation with colonies is kept busy. Look at England! She's like wan iv +th' Swiss bell-ringers. + + * * * * * + +Th' paramount issue f'r our side is th' wan th' other side doesn't like +to have mintioned. + + * * * * * + +If ye put a beggar on horseback ye'll walk ye'ersilf. + + * * * * * + +It takes a sthrong man to be mean. A mean man is wan that has th' +courage not to be gin'rous. Whin I give a tip 'tis not because I want to +but because I'm afraid iv what th' waiter'll think. Russell Sage is wan +iv Nature's noblemen. + + * * * * * + +An autocrat's a ruler that does what th' people wants an' takes th' +blame f'r it. A constitootional ixicutive, Hinnissy, is a ruler that +does as he dam pleases an' blames th' people. + + * * * * * + +'Tis as hard f'r a rich man to enther th' kingdom iv Hiven as it is f'r +a poor man to get out iv Purgatory. + + * * * * * + +Evil communications corrupt good Ph'lippeens. + + * * * * * + +Ivry man has his superstitions. If I look at a new moon over me shoulder +I get a crick in me neck. + + * * * * * + +Thrust ivrybody--but cut th' ca-ards. + + * * * * * + +If Rooshia wud shave we'd not be afraid iv her. + + * * * * * + +Some day th' Ph'lippeens 'll be known as th' Standard Isles iv th' +Passyfic. + + * * * * * + +A woman's sinse iv humor is in her husband's name. + + * * * * * + +Most women ought niver to look back if they want a following. + + * * * * * + +If ye dhrink befure siven ye'll cry befure iliven. + + * * * * * + +A man that'd expict to thrain lobsters to fly in a year is called a +loonytic; but a man that thinks men can be tur-rned into angels be an +iliction is called a rayformer an' remains at large. + + * * * * * + +Th' throuble with most iv us, Hinnissy, is we swallow pollytical idees +befure they're ripe an' they don't agree with us. + + * * * * * + +Dhressmakers' bills sinds women into lithrachoor an' men into an early +decline. + + * * * * * + +A bur-rd undher a bonnet is worth two on th' crown. + + * * * * * + +People tell me to be frank, but how can I be whin I don't dare to know +mesilf? + + * * * * * + +People that talk loud an' offind ye with their insolence are usu'lly shy +men thryin' to get over their shyness. 'Tis th' quite, resarved, ca'm +spoken man that's mashed on himsilf. + + * * * * * + +If men cud on'y enjye th' wealth an' position th' newspapers give thim +whin they're undher arrest! Don't anny but prominent clubman iver elope +or embezzle? + + * * * * * + +Miditation is a gift con-fined to unknown philosophers an' cows. Others +don't begin to think till they begin to talk or write. + + * * * * * + +A good manny people r-read th' ol' sayin' "Larceny is th' sincerest form +iv flatthry." + + * * * * * + +Tis a good thing th' fun'ral sermons ar-re not composed in th' +confissional. + + * * * * * + +Most vigitaryans I iver see looked enough like their food to be classed +as cannybals. + + * * * * * + +I don't see why anny man who believes in medicine wud shy at th' faith +cure. + + * * * * * + +Miracles are laughed at be a nation that r-reads thirty millyon +newspapers a day an' supports Wall sthreet. + + * * * * * + +All men are br-rave in comp'ny an' cow'rds alone, but some shows it +clearer thin others. + + * * * * * + +I'd like to tell me frind Tiddy that they'se a strenuse life an' a +sthrenuseless life. + + * * * * * + +I'd like to've been ar-round in th' times th' historical novelists +writes about--but I wudden't like to be in th' life insurance business. + + * * * * * + +I wondher why porthrait painters look down on phrenologists. + + * * * * * + +Di-plomacy is a continyual game iv duck on th' rock--with France th' +duck. + + * * * * * + +Whin we think we're makin' a gr-reat hit with th' wurruld we don't know +what our own wives thinks iv us. + + + + + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's Mr. Dooley's Philosophy, by Finley Peter Dunne + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MR. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Mr. Dooley's Philosophy + +Author: Finley Peter Dunne + + +Release Date: April, 2005 [EBook #7976] +This file was first posted on June 8, 2003 +Last Updated: March 15, 2018 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: UTF-8 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MR. DOOLEY'S PHILOSOPHY *** + + + + +Text file produced by Juliet Sutherland, Marvin A. Hodges, Charles +Franks, and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team + +HTML file produced by David Widger + + + + +</pre> + + <div style="height: 8em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h1> + MR. DOOLEY'S PHILOSOPHY + </h1> + <h2> + By Finley Peter Dunne + </h2> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <h4> + <i>Illustrated by</i> F. OPPER. + </h4> + <h5> + {Illustration: POOR PEOPLE 'LL HAVE SIMPLE MEALS.}<br /> (Illustrations not + available in this edition) + </h5> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <h3> + <i>To the Hennessys of the world who suffer and are silent</i> + </h3> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_PREF" id="link2H_PREF"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + PREFACE + </h2> + <p> + The reporter of these monologues would apologize for the frequent + reappearances of Mr. Dooley, if he felt the old gentleman would appreciate + an apology in his behalf. But Mr. Dooley has none of the modesty that has + been described as “an invention for protection against envy,” because + unlike that one of his distinguished predecessors who discovered this + theory to excuse his own imperfect but boastful egotism, he recognizes no + such human failing as envy. Most of the papers in the present collection + of the sayings of this great and learned man have appeared in the press of + America and England. This will account for the fact that they deal with + subjects that have pressed hard upon the minds of newspaper readers, + statesmen, and tax-payers during the year. To these utterances have been + added a number of obiter dicta by the philosopher, which, perhaps, will be + found to have the reminiscent flavor that appertains to the observations + of all learned judges when they are off the bench. + </p> + <p> + In some cases the sketches have been remodeled and care has been taken to + correct typographical blunders, except where they seemed to improve the + text. In this connection the writer must offer his profound gratitude to + the industrious typographer, who often makes two jokes grow where only one + grew before, and has added generously to the distress of amateur + elocutionists. + </p> + <h3> + F. P. D. + </h3> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + <b>CONTENTS</b> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_PREF"> PREFACE </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0002"> A BOOK REVIEW </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0003"> AMERICANS ABROAD </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0004"> SERVANT GIRL PROBLEM </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0005"> THE TRANSVAAL </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0006"> WAR AND WAR MAKERS </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0007"> UNDERESTIMATING THE ENEMY </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0008"> THE WAR EXPERT </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0009"> MODERN EXPLOSIVES </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0010"> THE CHINESE SITUATION </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0011"> MINISTER WU </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0012"> THE FUTURE OF CHINA </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0013"> PLATFORM MAKING </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0014"> THE YACHT RACES </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0015"> POLYGAMY </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0016"> PUBLIC FICKLENESS </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0017"> KENTUCKY POLITICS </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0018"> YOUNG ORATORY </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0019"> PUBLIC GRATITUDE </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0020"> MARRIAGE AND POLITICS </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0021"> ALCOHOL AS FOOD </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0022"> HIGH FINANCE </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0023"> THE PARIS EXPOSITION </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0024"> CHRISTIAN JOURNALISM </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0025"> THE ADMIRAL'S CANDIDACY </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0026"> CUSTOMS OF KENTUCKY </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0027"> A SOCIETY SCANDAL </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0028"> DOINGS OF ANARCHISTS </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0029"> ANGLO-AMERICAN SPORTS </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0030"> VOICES FROM THE TOMB </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0031"> <i>The</i> NEGRO PROBLEM </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0032"> <i>The</i> AMERICAN STAGE </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0033"> TROUBLES OF A CANDIDATE </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0034"> A BACHELOR'S LIFE </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0035"> THE EDUCATION OF THE YOUNG </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0036"> “L'AIGLON” </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0037"> CASUAL OBSERVATIONS </a> + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0002" id="link2H_4_0002"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + A BOOK REVIEW + </h2> + <p> + “Well sir,” said Mr. Dooley, “I jus' got hold iv a book, Hinnissy, that + suits me up to th' handle, a gran' book, th' grandest iver seen. Ye know + I'm not much throubled be lithrachoor, havin' manny worries iv me own, but + I'm not prejudiced again' books. I am not. Whin a rale good book comes + along I'm as quick as anny wan to say it isn't so bad, an' this here book + is fine. I tell ye 'tis fine.” + </p> + <p> + “What is it?” Mr. Hennessy asked languidly. + </p> + <p> + “'Tis 'Th' Biography iv a Hero be Wan who Knows.' 'Tis 'Th' Darin' + Exploits iv a Brave Man be an Actual Eye Witness.' 'Tis 'Th' Account iv + th' Desthruction iv Spanish Power in th' Ant Hills,' as it fell fr'm th' + lips iv Tiddy Rosenfelt an' was took down be his own hands. Ye see 'twas + this way, Hinnissy, as I r-read th' book. Whin Tiddy was blowed up in th' + harbor iv Havana he instantly con-cluded they must be war. He debated th' + question long an' earnestly an' fin'lly passed a jint resolution declarin' + war. So far so good. But there was no wan to carry it on. What shud he do? + I will lave th' janial author tell th' story in his own wurruds. + </p> + <p> + “'Th' sicrety iv war had offered me,' he says, 'th' command of a + rig'mint,' he says, 'but I cud not consint to remain in Tampa while + perhaps less audacious heroes was at th' front,' he says. 'Besides,' he + says, 'I felt I was incompetent f'r to command a rig'mint raised be + another,' he says. 'I detarmined to raise wan iv me own,' he says. 'I + selected fr'm me acquaintances in th' West,' he says, 'men that had + thravelled with me acrost th' desert an' th' storm-wreathed mountain,' he + says, 'sharin' me burdens an' at times confrontin' perils almost as + gr-reat as anny that beset me path,' he says. 'Together we had faced th' + turrors iv th' large but vilent West,' he says, 'an' these brave men had + seen me with me trusty rifle shootin' down th' buffalo, th' elk, th' + moose, th' grizzly bear, th' mountain goat,' he says, 'th' silver man, an' + other ferocious beasts iv thim parts,' he says. 'An' they niver flinched,' + he says. 'In a few days I had thim perfectly tamed,' he says, 'an' ready + to go annywhere I led,' he says. 'On th' thransport goi'n to Cubia,' he + says, 'I wud stand beside wan iv these r-rough men threatin' him as a + akel, which he was in ivrything but birth, education, rank an' courage, + an' together we wud look up at th' admirable stars iv that tolerable + southern sky an' quote th' bible fr'm Walt Whitman,' he says. 'Honest, + loyal, thrue-hearted la-ads, how kind I was to thim,' he says.” + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: Read the articles by Roosevelt and Davis in the Car Fare + Magazine} + </p> + <p> + “'We had no sooner landed in Cubia than it become nicessry f'r me to take + command iv th' ar-rmy which I did at wanst. A number of days was spint be + me in reconnoitring, attinded on'y be me brave an' fluent body guard, + Richard Harding Davis. I discovered that th' inimy was heavily inthrenched + on th' top iv San Juon hill immejiately in front iv me. At this time it + become apparent that I was handicapped be th' prisence iv th' ar-rmy,' he + says. 'Wan day whin I was about to charge a block house sturdily definded + be an ar-rmy corps undher Gin'ral Tamale, th' brave Castile that I + aftherwards killed with a small ink-eraser that I always carry, I r-ran + into th' entire military force iv th' United States lying on its stomach. + 'If ye won't fight,' says I, 'let me go through, 'I says. 'Who ar-re ye?' + says they. 'Colonel Rosenfelt,' says I. 'Oh, excuse me,' says the gin'ral + in command (if me mimry serves me thrue it was Miles) r-risin' to his + knees an' salutin'. This showed me 'twud be impossible f'r to carry th' + war to a successful con-clusion unless I was free, so I sint th' ar-rmy + home an' attackted San Juon hill. Ar-rmed on'y with a small thirty-two + which I used in th' West to shoot th' fleet prairie dog, I climbed that + precipitous ascent in th' face iv th' most gallin' fire I iver knew or + heerd iv. But I had a few r-rounds iv gall mesilf an' what cared I? I + dashed madly on cheerin' as I wint. Th' Spanish throops was dhrawn up in a + long line in th' formation known among military men as a long line. I + fired at th' man nearest to me an' I knew be th' expression iv his face + that th' trusty bullet wint home. It passed through his frame, he fell, + an' wan little home in far-off Catalonia was made happy be th' thought + that their riprisintative had been kilt be th' future governor iv New + York. Th' bullet sped on its mad flight an' passed through th' intire line + fin'lly imbeddin' itself in th' abdomen iv th' Ar-rch-bishop iv Santiago + eight miles away. This ended th' war.' + </p> + <p> + “'They has been some discussion as to who was th' first man to r-reach th' + summit iv San Juon hill. I will not attempt to dispute th' merits iv th' + manny gallant sojers, statesmen, corryspondints an' kinetoscope men who + claim th' distinction. They ar-re all brave men an' if they wish to wear + my laurels they may. I have so manny annyhow that it keeps me broke havin' + thim blocked an' irned. But I will say f'r th' binifit iv Posterity that I + was th' on'y man I see. An I had a tillyscope.'” + </p> + <p> + “I have thried, Hinnissy,” Mr. Dooley continued, “to give you a fair idee + iv th' contints iv this remarkable book, but what I've tol' ye is on'y + what Hogan calls an outline iv th' principal pints. Ye'll have to r-read + th' book ye'ersilf to get a thrue conciption. I haven't time f'r to tell + ye th' wurruk Tiddy did in ar-rmin' an' equippin' himself, how he fed + himsilf, how he steadied himsilf in battle an' encouraged himsilf with a + few well-chosen wurruds whin th' sky was darkest. Ye'll have to take a + squint into th' book ye'ersilf to l'arn thim things.” + </p> + <p> + “I won't do it,” said Mr. Hennessy. “I think Tiddy Rosenfelt is all + r-right an' if he wants to blow his hor-rn lave him do it.” + </p> + <p> + “Thrue f'r ye,” said Mr. Dooley, “an' if his valliant deeds didn't get + into this book 'twud be a long time befure they appeared in Shafter's + histhry iv th' war. No man that bears a gredge again' himsilf 'll iver be + governor iv a state. An' if Tiddy done it all he ought to say so an' + relieve th' suspinse. But if I was him I'd call th' book 'Alone in + Cubia.'” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0003" id="link2H_4_0003"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + AMERICANS ABROAD + </h2> + <p> + “I wondher,” said Mr. Dooley, “what me Dutch frind Oom Paul'll think whin + he hears that Willum Waldorf Asthor has given four thousan' pounds or + twinty thousan' iv our money as a conthribution to th' British + governmint?” + </p> + <p> + “Who's Willum Waldorf Asthor?” Mr. Hennessy asked. “I niver heerd iv him.” + </p> + <p> + “Ye wudden't,” said Mr. Dooley. “He don't thravel in ye'er set. Willum + Waldorf Asthor is a gintleman that wanst committed th' sin iv bein' bor-rn + in this counthry. Ye know what orig-inal sin is, Hinnissy. Ye was bor-rn + with wan an' I was bor-rn with wan an' ivrybody was bor-rn with wan. 'Twas + took out iv me be Father Tuomy with holy wather first an' be me father + aftherward with a sthrap. But I niver cud find out what it was. Th' sins + I've committed since, I'm sure iv. They're painted red an' carry a bell + an' whin I'm awake in bed they stan' out on th' wall like th' ilicthric + signs they have down be State sthreet in front iv th' clothin' stores. But + I'll go to th' grave without knowin' exactly what th' black orig-inal sin + was I committed. All I know is I done wrong. But with Willum Waldorf + Asthor 'tis dif'rent. I say 'tis diff'rent with Willum Waldorf Asthor. His + orig-inal sin was bein' bor-rn in New York. He cudden't do anything about + it. Nawthin' in this counthry wud wipe it out. He built a hotel intinded + f'r jooks who had no sins but thim iv their own makin', but even th' sight + iv their haughty bills cud not efface th' stain. He thried to live down + his crime without success an' he thried to live down to it be runnin' f'r + congress, but it was no go. No matther where he wint among his counthrymen + in England some wan wud find out he was bor-rn in New York an' th' man + that ownded th' house where he was spindin' th' night wud ast him if he + was a cannibal an' had he anny Indyan blood in his veins. 'Twas like + seein' a fine lookin' man with an intel-lecjal forehead an' handsome, + dar-rk brown eyes an' admirin' him, an' thin larnin' his name is Mudd J. + Higgins. His accint was proper an' his clothes didn't fit him right, but + he was not bor-rn in th' home iv his dayscindants, an' whin he walked th' + sthreets iv London he knew ivry polisman was sayin': 'There goes a man + that pretinds to be happy, but a dark sorrow is gnawin' at his bosom. He + looks as if he was at home, but he was bor-rn in New York, Gawd help him.” + </p> + <p> + {Illustration} + </p> + <p> + “So this poor way-worn sowl, afther thryin' ivry other rimidy fr'm + dhrivin' a coach to failin' to vote, at las' sought out th' rile high + clark iv th' coort an' says he: 'Behold,' he says, 'an onhappy man,' he + says. 'With millyons in me pocket, two hotels an' onlimited credit, 'he + says, 'me hear-rt is gray,' he says. 'Poor sowl,' says th' clark iv th' + coort, 'What's ailin' ye'?' he says. 'Have ye committed some gr-reat + crime?' he says. 'Partly,' says Willum Waldorf Asthor. 'It was partly me + an' partly me folks,' he says. 'I was,' he says, in a voice broken be + tears, 'I was,' he says, 'bor-rn in New York,' he says. Th' clark made th' + sign iv th' cross an' says he: 'Ye shudden't have come here,' he says. + 'Poor afflicted wretch,' he says, 'ye need a clargyman,' he says. 'Why did + ye seek me out?' he says. 'Because,' says Willum Waldorf Asthor, 'I wish,' + he says, 'f'r to renounce me sinful life,' he says. 'I wish to be bor-rn + anew,' he says. An' th' clark bein' a kind man helps him out. An' Willum + Waldorf Asthor renounced fealty to all foreign sovereigns, princes an' + potentates an' especially Mack th' Wanst, or Twict, iv th' United States + an' Sulu an' all his wur-ruks an' he come out iv th' coort with his hat + cocked over his eye, with a step jaunty and high, afther years iv servile + freedom a bondman at last! + </p> + <p> + “So he's a citizen iv Gr-reat Britain now an' a lile subject iv th' Queen + like you was Hinnissy befure ye was r-run out.” + </p> + <p> + “I niver was,” said Mr. Hennessy. “Sure th' Queen iv England was renounced + f'r me long befure I did it f'r mesilf—to vote.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, niver mind,” Mr. Dooley continued, “he's a citizen iv England an' + he has a castle that's as big as a hotel, on'y nobody goes there excipt + thim that's ast, an' not all of those, an' he owns a newspaper an' th' + editor iv it's the Prince iv Wales an' th' rayporthers is all jooks an' + th' Archbishop iv Canterbury r-runs th' ilivator, an' slug wan in th' + printin' office is th' Impror iv Germany in disgeese. 'Tis a pa-per I'd + like to see. I'd like to know how th' Jook iv Marlbro'd do th' McGovern + fight. An' some day Willum Waldorf Asthor'll be able to wurruk f'r his own + pa-aper, f'r he's goin' to be a earl or a markess or a jook or somethin' + gran'. Ye can't be anny iv these things without money, Hinnissy, an' he + has slathers iv it.” + </p> + <p> + “Where does he get it?” demanded Mr. Hennessy. + </p> + <p> + “F'rm this counthry,” said Mr. Dooley. + </p> + <p> + “I shud think,” Mr. Hennessy protested stoutly, “if he's ashamed iv this + counthry he wudden't want to take money f'rm it.” + </p> + <p> + “That's where ye're wrong,” Mr. Dooley replied. “Take money annywhere ye + find it. I'd take money f'rm England, much as I despise that formerly + haughty but now dejected land, if I cud get anny from there. An' whin ye + come down to it, I dinnaw as I blame Willum Waldorf Asthor f'r shiftin' + his allegiance. Ivry wan to his taste as th' man said whin he dhrank out + iv th' fire extinguisher. It depinds on how ye feel. If ye ar-re a tired + la-ad an' wan without much fight in ye, livin' in this counthry is like + thryin' to read th' Lives iv the Saints at a meetin' iv th' Clan-na-Gael. + They'se no quiet f'r annybody. They's a fight on ivry minyit iv th' time. + Ye may say to ye'ersilf: 'I'll lave these la-ads roll each other as much + as they plaze, but I'll set here in th' shade an' dhrink me milk punch, + but ye can't do it. Some wan 'll say, 'Look at that gazabo settin' out + there alone. He's too proud f'r to jine in our simple dimmycratic + festivities. Lave us go over an' bate him on th' eye.' An' they do it. Now + if ye have fightin' blood in ye'er veins ye hastily gulp down yeer dhrink + an' hand ye'er assailant wan that does him no kind iv good, an' th' first + thing ye know ye're in th thick iv it an' its scrap, scrap, scrap till th' + undhertaker calls f'r to measure ye. An' 'tis tin to wan they'se somethin' + doin' at th' fun'ral that ye're sorry ye missed. That's life in America. + Tis a gloryous big fight, a rough an' tumble fight, a Donnybrook fair + three thousan' miles wide an' a ruction in ivry block. Head an' ban's an' + feet an' th' pitchers on th' wall. No holds barred. Fight fair but don't + f'rget th' other la-ad may not know where th' belt line is. No polisman in + sight. A man's down with twinty on top iv him wan minyit. Th' next he's + settin' on th' pile usin' a base-ball bat on th' neighbor next below him. + 'Come on, boys, f'r 'tis growin' late, an' no wan's been kilt yet. Glory + be, but this is th' life!' + </p> + <p> + “Now, if I'm tired I don't want to fight. A man bats me in th' eye an' I + call f'r th' polis. They isn't a polisman in sight. I say to th' man that + poked me: 'Sir, I fain wud sleep.' 'Get up,' he says, 'an' be doin',' he + says. 'Life is rale, life is earnest,' he says, 'an' man was made to + fight,' he says, fetchin' me a kick. An' if I'm tired I say, 'What's th' + use? I've got plenty iv money in me inside pocket. I'll go to a place + where they don't know how to fight. I'll go where I can get something but + an argymint f'r me money an' where I won't have to rassle with th' man + that bates me carpets, ayether,' I says, 'f'r fifty cints overcharge or + good govermint,' I says. An' I pike off to what Hogan calls th' effete + monarchies iv Europe an' no wan walks on me toes, an' ivry man I give a + dollar to becomes an acrobat an' I live comfortably an' die a markess! Th' + divvle I do! + </p> + <p> + “That's what I was goin' to say,” Mr. Hennessy remarked. “Ye wudden't live + annywhere but here.” + </p> + <p> + “No,” said Mr. Dooley, “I wudden't. I'd rather be Dooley iv Chicago than + th' Earl iv Peltvule. It must be that I'm iv th' fightin' kind.” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0004" id="link2H_4_0004"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + SERVANT GIRL PROBLEM + </h2> + <p> + Whin Congress gets through expellin' mimbers that believes so much in + mathrimony that they carry it into ivry relation iv life an' opens th' + dure iv Chiny so that an American can go in there as free as a Chinnyman + can come into this refuge iv th' opprissed iv th' wurruld, I hope'twill + turn its attintion to th' gr-reat question now confrontin' th' nation—th' + question iv what we shall do with our hired help. What shall we do with + thim? + </p> + <p> + “We haven't anny,” said Mr. Hennessy. + </p> + <p> + “No,” said Mr. Dooley. “Ar-rchey r-road has no servant girl problem. Th' + rule is ivry woman her own cook an' ivry man his own futman, an' be th' + same token we have no poly-gamy problem an' no open dure problem an' no + Ph'lippeen problem. Th' on'y problem in Ar-rchey r-road is how manny times + does round steak go into twelve at wan dollar-an-a-half a day. But east iv + th' r-red bridge, Hinnissy, wan iv th' most cryin' issues iv th' hour is: + What shall we do with our hired help? An' if Congress don't take hold iv + it we ar-re a rooned people.” + </p> + <p> + “'Tis an ol' problem an' I've seen it arise an' shake its gory head ivry + few years whiniver th' Swede popylation got wurruk an' begun bein' marrid, + thus rayjoocin' th' visible supply iv help. But it seems 'tis deeper thin + that. I see be letters in th' pa-apers that servants is insolent, an' that + they won't go to wurruk onless they like th' looks iv their employers, an' + that they rayfuse to live in th' counthry. Why anny servant shud rayfuse + to live in th' counthry is more thin I can see. Ye'd think that this + disreputable class'd give annything to lave th' crowded tinimints iv a + large city where they have frinds be th' hundherds an' know th' polisman + on th' bate an' can go out to hateful dances an' moonlight picnics—ye'd + think these unforchnate slaves'd be delighted to live in Mulligan's + subdivision, amid th' threes an' flowers an' bur-rds. Gettin' up at four + o'clock in th' mornin' th' singin' iv th' full-throated alarm clock is + answered be an invisible choir iv songsters, as Shakespere says, an' ye + see th' sun rise over th' hills as ye go out to carry in a ton iv coal. + All day long ye meet no wan as ye thrip over th' coal-scuttle, happy in + ye'er tile an' ye'er heart is enlivened be th' thought that th' childher + in th' front iv th' house ar-re growin' sthrong on th' fr-resh counthry + air. Besides they'se always cookin' to do. At night ye can set be th' fire + an' improve ye'er mind be r-readin' half th' love story in th' part iv th' + pa-aper that th' cheese come home in, an' whin ye're through with that, + all ye have to do is to climb a ladder to th' roof an' fall through th' + skylight an' ye're in bed.” + </p> + <p> + {Illustration} + </p> + <p> + “But wud ye believe it, Hinnissy, manny iv these misguided women rayfuse + f'r to take a job that aint in a city. They prefer th' bustle an' roar iv + th' busy marts iv thrade, th' sthreet car, th' saloon on three corners an' + th' church on wan, th' pa-apers ivry mornin' with pitchers iv th' s'ciety + fav'rite that's just thrown up a good job at Armours to elope with th' + well-known club man who used to be yard-masther iv th' three B's, G, L, + & N., th' shy peek into th' dhry-goods store, an' other base luxuries, + to a free an' healthy life in th' counthry between iliven P.M. an' four + A.M. Wensdahs an' Sundahs. 'Tis worse thin that, Hinnissy, f'r whin they + ar-re in th' city they seem to dislike their wurruk an' manny iv thim + ar-re givin' up splindid jobs with good large families where they have no + chanst to spind their salaries, if they dhraw thim, an' takin' places in + shops, an' gettin' marrid an' adoptin' other devices that will give thim + th' chanst f'r to wear out their good clothes. 'Tis a horrible situation. + Riley th' conthractor dhropped in here th' other day in his horse an' + buggy on his way to the dhrainage canal an' he was all wurruked up over + th' question. 'Why,' he says, ''tis scand'lous th' way servants act,' he + says. 'Mrs. Riley has hystrics,' he says. 'An' ivry two or three nights + whin I come home,' he says, 'I have to win a fight again' a cook with a + stove lid befure I can move me family off th' fr-ront stoop,' he says. 'We + threat thim well too,' he says. 'I gave th' las' wan we had fifty cints + an' a cook book at Chris'mas an' th' next day she left befure breakfast,' + he says. 'What naytionalties do ye hire?' says I. 'I've thried thim all,' + he says, 'an',' he says, 'I'll say this in shame,' he says, 'that th' + Irish ar-re th' worst,' he says. 'Well,' says I, 'ye need have no shame,' + I says, 'f'r'tis on'y th' people that ar-re good servants that'll niver be + masthers,' I says. 'Th' Irish ar-re no good as servants because they ar-re + too good,' I says. 'Th' Dutch ar-re no good because they aint good enough. + No matther how they start they get th' noodle habit. I had wan, wanst, an' + she got so she put noodles in me tay,' I says. 'Th' Swedes ar-re all right + but they always get marrid th' sicond day. Ye'll have a polisman at th' + dure with a warrant f'r th' arrist iv ye'er cook if ye hire a Boheemyan,' + I says. 'Coons'd be all right but they're liable f'r to hand ye ye'er food + in ragtime, an' if ye ordher pork-chops f'r dinner an' th' hall is + long, 'tis little ye'll have to eat whin th' platter's set down,' I says. + 'No,' says I, 'they'se no naytionality now livin' in this counthry that're + nathral bor-rn servants,' I says. 'If ye want to save throuble,' I says, + 'ye'll import ye'er help. They'se a race iv people livin' in Cinthral + Africa that'd be jus' r-right. They niver sleep, tkey can carry twice + their weight on their backs, they have no frinds, they wear no clothes, + they can't read, they can't dance an' they don't dhrink. Th' fact is + they're thoroughly oneddycated. If ye cud tache thim to cook an' take care + iv childher they'd be th' best servants,' says I. 'An' what d'ye call + thim?' says he. 'I f'rget,' says I. An' he wint away mad.” + </p> + <p> + “Sure an' he's a nice man to be talkin' iv servants,” said Mr. Hennessy. + “He was a gintleman's man in th' ol' counthry an' I used to know his wife + whin she wurruked f'r ——” + </p> + <p> + “S-sh,” said Mr. Dooley. “They're beyond that now. Besides they speak fr'm + experyence. An' mebbe that's th' throuble. We're always harder with our + own kind thin with others. 'Tis I that'd be th' fine cinsor iv a + bartinder's wurruk. Th' more ye ought to be a servant ye'ersilf th' more + difficult'tis f'r ye to get along with servants. I can holler to anny man + fr'm th' top iv a buildin' an' make him tur-rn r-round, but if I come down + to th' sthreet where he can see I aint anny bigger thin he is, an' holler + at him, 'tis twinty to wan if he tur-rns r-round he'll hit me in th' eye. + We have a servant girl problem because, Hinnissy, it isn't manny years + since we first begun to have servant girls. But I hope Congress'll take it + up. A smart Congress like th' wan we have now ought to be able to spare a + little time fr'm its preparation iv new Jims iv speech f'r th' third + reader an' rig up a bill that'd make keepin' house a recreation while so + softenin' th' spirit iv th' haughty sign iv a noble race in th' kitchen + that cookin' buckwheat cakes on a hot day with th' aid iv a bottle iv + smokeless powdher'd not cause her f'r to sind a worthy man to his office + in slippers an' without a hat.” + </p> + <p> + “Ah,” said Mr. Hennessy, the simple democrat. “It wud be all r-right if + women'd do their own cookin'.” + </p> + <p> + “Well,” said Mr. Dooley. “'Twud be a return to Jacksonyan simplicity, an' + 'twud be a gr-reat thing f'r th' resthrant business.” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0005" id="link2H_4_0005"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE TRANSVAAL + </h2> + <p> + “It looks like war,” said Mr. Hennessy, who had been glancing at the + flaming head-lines of an evening paper over Mr. Dooley's shoulder. + </p> + <p> + “It always does,” said Mr. Dooley. “Since th' Czar iv Rooshia inthrajooced + his no-fight risolution, they'se been no chanst that they wudden't be + ructious.” + </p> + <p> + “An' what's it all about?” demanded Mr. Hennessy. “I can't make head nor + tail iv it at all, at all.” + </p> + <p> + “Well ye see 'tis this way,” said Mr. Dooley. “Ye see th' Boers is a + simple, pasthral people that goes about their business in their own way, + raisin' hell with ivrybody. They was bor-rn with an aversion to society + an' whin th' English come they lit out befure thim, not likin' their + looks. Th' English kept comin' an' the Boers kept movin' till they + cudden't move anny further without bumpin' into th' Soodanese ar-rmy an' + thin they settled down an' says they, 'This far shall we go,' says they, + bein' a rellijous people, 'an' divvle th' sthep further.' An' they killed + off th' irrelijous naygurs an' started in f'r to raise cattle. An' at + night they'd set outside iv their dorps, which, Hinnissy, is Dutch f'r + two-story brick house an' lot, an' sip their la-ager an' swap horses an' + match texts fr'm th' Bible f'r th' seegars, while th' childer played + marbles with dimons as big as th' end iv ye'er thumb. + </p> + <p> + “Well, th' English heerd they was goold be th' bucket in ivry cellar fr'm + Oopencoff to Doozledorf, which, Hinnissy, is like New York an' San + Francisco, bein' th' exthreme pints iv th' counthry, an' they come on in + gr-reat hordes, sturdy Anglo-Saxons fr'm Saxony, th' Einsteins an' + Heidlebacks an' Werners an' whin they took out goold enough so's they + needed raycreation they wanted to vote. 'An',' says Joe Chamberlain, he + says, 'Be hivins, they shall vote,' he says. 'Is it,' he says, 'possible + that at this stage iv th' world's progress' he says, 'an English gintleman + shud be denied,' he says, 'th' right to dhrop off a thrain annywhere in + th' civilized wurruld an' cast his impeeryal vote?' he says. 'Give thim + th' franchise,' he says, 'or be this an' be that!' he says, 'f'r we have + put our hand to th' plough, an' we will not turn back,' he says. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration} + </p> + <p> + “Kruger, that's th' main guy iv th' Dutch, a fine man, Hennissy, that + looks like Casey's goat an' has manny iv th' same peculyarities, he says, + 'All r-right,' he says, 'I'll give thim th' franchise,' he says. 'Whin?' + says Joe Chamberlain. 'In me will,' says Kruger. 'Whin I die,' he says, + 'an' I hope to live to be a hundherd if I keep on smokin' befure + breakfast,' he says, 'I'll bequeath to me frinds, th' English, or such iv + thim as was here befure I come, th' inalienable an' sacred right to demand + fr'm me succissor th' privilege iv ilictin' an aldherman,' he says. 'But,' + he says, 'in th' mane-time,' he says, 'we'll lave things the way they + are,' he says. 'I'm old,' he say, 'an' not good-lookin',' he says, 'an' me + clothes don't fit an' they may be marks iv food on me vest,' he says, 'but + I'm not more thin half crazy an' annytime ye find me givin' annywan a + chanst to vote me into a job dhrivin' a mule an' put in an English + prisidint iv this ray-public,' he says, 'ye may conclude that ye'er Uncle + Paul needs a guarjeen!' he says. + </p> + <p> + “'Far be it fr'm me to suggist anny but peaceful measures,' says Sir + Alfred Milner, that's th' lad they have down in Africa, th' Injun agent, + 'f'r th' English an' Dutch shud wurruk together like brothers f'r th' + removal iv th' naygur popylation,' he says, 'but,' he says, 'as a brother + I politely suggest to ye that if ye don't give us what we want we'll hand + ye a fraternal punch!' he says. 'F'r,' he says,' 'we have put our hand to + th' plough,' he says, 'an' we cannot turn back,' he says. + </p> + <p> + “'What Sir Alfred Milner says is thrue,' says Lord Lelborne, an' what th' + divvle he has to do about it I dinnaw. 'Th' situation is such,' he says, + 'as to be intol'rable to a silf-rayspictin' Englishman,' he says. 'What a + crime,' he says, 'that th' men who ar-re takin' most iv th' money out iv + th' counthry shud not be allowed to stick in anny iv th' votes,' he says. + 'We have, as Shakespeare says, put our hand to th' plough,' he says, 'an' + we cannot turn back,' he says. 'I agree corjally with th' noble lord on + th' r-red lounge abaft me,' says Lord Salisbury. 'With the echoes of me + own noble sintimints on th' peace proclamation iv me good frind, th' Czar + iv Rooshia, still ringin' in me ears,' he says, 'it wud ill become me to + speak iv foorce,' he says. 'I wud on'y say that if th' Transvaal raypublic + wud rather have a Dum-dum bullet in its tum-tum thin grant to Englishmen + th' r-right to run th' govermint, thin th' Transvaal rapublic'll have + both!' he says. 'I will add,' he says, 'that we have put our hand to th' + plough an' we will not turn back,' he says. + </p> + <p> + “Well, sir, 'twas up to Kruger an' he knocked th' ashes out iv his pipe on + his vest an' says he, 'Gintlemen,' he says, 'I wud like to do me best to + accomydate ye,' he says. 'Nawthin' short iv a severe attack iv sickness + wud plaze me so much as to see long lines iv Englishmen marchin' up to th' + polls an' depositin' their ballots again' me f'r prisidint,' he says. + 'But,' he says, 'I'm an old man!' he says. 'I was ilicted young an' I + niver done annything since,' he says. 'I wudden't know what to do without + it,' he says. 'What ye propose is to make an ex-prisidint iv me. D'ye + think I cud stand that? D'ye think at my age I wud be contint to dash fr'm + wan justice coort to another pleadin' f'r habyas-corpus writs or test me + principles iv personal expansion in a Noo Jarsey village?' he says. 'I'd + rather be a dead prisidint thin a live ex-prisidint. If I have anny + pollytical ambition I'd rather be a Grant or a Garfield thin a Cleveland + or a Harrison,' he says. 'I may've read it in th' Bible, though I think I + saw it in a scand'lous book me frind Rhodes left in his bedroom las' time + he called on me, that ye shud niver discard an ace to dhraw to a flush,' + he says. 'I deplore th' language but th' sintimint is sound,' he says. + 'An' I believe ye'er intintions to presarve peace ar-re honest, but I + don't like to see ye pullin' off ye'er coat an' here goes f'r throuble + while ye have ye'er arms in th' sleeves,' he says. 'F'r,' he says, 'ye + have put ye'er hand in th' reaper an' it cannot turn back,' he says. + </p> + <p> + “An' there they go, Hinnissy. I'm not again England in this thing, + Hinnissy, an' I'm not again th' Boers. Like Mack I'm divided on a matther + iv principle between a desire to cemint th' 'lieance an' an affiction f'r + th' Dutch vote. But if Kruger had spint his life in a rale raypublic where + they burn gas he cud've settled th' business without losin' sleep. If I + was Kruger there'd've been no war.” + </p> + <p> + “What wud ye have done?” Mr. Hennessy asked. + </p> + <p> + “I'd give thim th' votes,” said Mr. Dooley. “But,” he added significantly, + “I'd do th' countin'.” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0006" id="link2H_4_0006"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + WAR AND WAR MAKERS + </h2> + <p> + “I tell ye, Hinnissy,” said Mr. Dooley, “Ye can't do th' English-speakin' + people. Oursilves an' th' hands acrost th' sea ar-re rapidly teachin' th' + benighted Lutheryan an' other haythin that as a race we're onvincible an' + oncatcheable. Th' Anglo-Saxon race meetin's now going on in th' + Ph'lippeens an' South Africa ought to convince annywan that give us a fair + start an' we can bate th' wurruld to a tillygraft office. + </p> + <p> + “Th' war our cousins be Sir Thomas Lipton is prosecutin', as Hogan says, + again th' foul but accrate Boers is doin' more thin that. It's givin' us a + common war lithrachoor. I wudden't believe at first whin I r-read th' + dispatches in th' pa-apers that me frind Gin'ral Otis wasn't in South + Africa. It was on'y whin I see another chapter iv his justly cillybrated + seeryal story, intitled 'Th' Capture iv Porac' that I knew he had an + imitator in th' mother counthry. An' be hivins, I like th' English la-ad's + style almost as well as our own gr-reat artist's. Mebbe'tis, as th' + pa-apers say, that Otis has writ himsilf out. Annyhow th' las' chapter + isn't thrillin'. He says: 'To-day th' ar-rmy undher my command fell upon + th' inimy with gr-reat slaughter an' seized th' important town of Porac + which I have mintioned befure, but,' he says, 'we ar-re fortunately now + safe in Manila.' Ye see he doesn't keep up th' intherest to th' end. Th' + English pote does betther.” + </p> + <p> + “'Las' night at eight o'clock,' he says, 'we found our slendher but + inthrepid ar-rmy surrounded be wan hundhred thousan' Boers,' he says. 'We + attackted thim with gr-reat fury,' he says, 'pursuin' thim up th' almost + inaccessible mountain side an' capturin' eight guns which we didn't want + so we give thim back to thim with siveral iv our own,' he says. 'Th' Irish + rig'mints,' he says, 'th' Kerry Rifles, th' Land Leaguers' Own, an' th' + Dublin Pets, commanded be th' Pop'lar Irish sojer Gin'ral Sir Ponsonby + Tompkins wint into battle singin' their well-known naytional anthem: “Mrs. + Innery Awkins is a fust-class name!” Th' Boers retreated,' he says, + 'pursued be th' Davitt Terrors who cut their way through th' fugitives + with awful slaughter,' he says. 'They have now,' he says, 'pinethrated as + far us Pretoria,' he says, 'th' officers arrivin' in first-class carredges + an' th' men in thrucks,' he says, 'an' ar-re camped in th' bettin' shed + where they ar-re afforded ivry attintion be th' vanquished inimy,' he + says. 'As f'r us,' he says, 'we decided afther th' victhry to light out + f'r Ladysmith.' he says, 'Th' inimy had similar intintions,' he says, 'but + their skill has been vastly overrated,' he says. 'We bate thim,' he says + 'we bate thim be thirty miles,' he says. That's where we're sthrong, + Hinnissy. We may get licked on th' battle field, we may be climbin' threes + in th' Ph'lippeens with arrows stickin' in us like quills, as Hogan says, + into th' fretful porcupine or we may be doin' a mile in five minyits flat + down th' pike that leads to Cape Town pursued be th' less fleet but more + ignorant Boers peltin' us with guns full iv goold an' bibles, but in th' + pages iv histhry that our childhren read we niver turned back on e'er an + inimy. We make our own gloryous pages on th' battlefield, in th' camp an' + in th' cab'net meetin'.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, 't is all r-right f'r ye to be jokin',” said Mr. Hennessy, “but + there's manny a brave fellow down there that it's no joke to.” + </p> + <p> + “Thrue f'r ye,” said Mr. Dooley, “an' that's why I wisht it cud be fixed + up so's th' men that starts th' wars could do th' fightin'. Th' throuble + is that all th' prelimin'ries is arranged be matchmakers an' all they'se + left f'r fighters is to do th' murdherin'. A man's got a good job at home + an' he wants to make it sthronger. How can he do it? Be throwin' out some + one that's got an akelly good job down th' sthreet. Now he don't go over + as I wud an' say, 'Here Schwartzmeister (or Kruger as th' case may be) I + don't like ye'er appearance, ye made a monkey iv me in argymint befure th' + neighborhood an' if ye continyue in business ye'll hurt me thrade, so here + goes to move ye into th' sthreet!' Not that la-ad. He gets a crowd around + him an' says he: 'Kruger (or Schwartzmeister as th' case may be) is no + good. To begin with he's a Dutchman. If that ain't enough he's a cantin', + hymn singin' murdhrous wretch that wuddent lave wan iv our counthrymen ate + a square meal if he had his way. I'll give ye all two dollars a week if + ye'll go over an' desthroy him.' An' th' other la-ad, what does he do? He + calls in th' neighbors an' says he: 'Dooley is sindin' down a gang iv + savages to murdher me. Do ye lave ye'er wurruk an' ye'er families an' + rally ar-round me an' where ye see me plug hat wave do ye go in th' other + direction,' he says, 'an' slay th' brutal inimy,' he says. An' off goes + th' sojers an' they meet a lot iv la-ads that looks like thimsilves an' + makes sounds that's more or less human an' ates out iv plates an' they + swap smokin' tobacco an' sings songs together an' th' next day they're up + early jabbing holes in each other with baynits. An' whin its all over + they'se me an' Chamberlain at home victoryous an' Kruger an' + Schwartzmeister at home akelly victoryous. An' they make me prime minister + or aldherman but whin I want a man to put in me coal I don't take wan with + a wooden leg. + </p> + <p> + “I'll niver go down again to see sojers off to th' war. But ye'll see me + at th' depot with a brass band whin th' men that causes wars starts f'r + th' scene iv carnage. Whin Congress goes forth to th' sun-kissed an' rain + jooled isles iv th' Passyfic no more heartier cheer will be beard thin th' + wan or two that rises fr'm th' bosom iv Martin Dooley. Says I, give thim + th' chanst to make histhry an' lave th' young men come home an' make car + wheels. If Chamberlain likes war so much 'tis him that ought to be down + there in South Africa peltin' over th' road with ol' Kruger chasin' him + with a hoe. Th' man that likes fightin' ought to be willin' to turn in an' + spell his fellow-counthrymen himsilf. An' I'd even go this far an' say + that if Mack wants to subjoo th' dam Ph'lippeens——” + </p> + <p> + “Ye're a thraitor,” said Mr. Hennessy. + </p> + <p> + “I know it,” said Mr. Dooley, complacently. + </p> + <p> + “Ye're an anti-expansionist.” + </p> + <p> + “If ye say that again,” cried Mr. Dooley, angrily, “I'll smash in ye'er + head.” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0007" id="link2H_4_0007"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + UNDERESTIMATING THE ENEMY + </h2> + <p> + “What d'ye think iv th' war?” Mr. Hennessy asked. + </p> + <p> + “I think I want to go out an' apologize to Shafter,” said Mr. Dooley. + </p> + <p> + “I'm like ivrybody else, be hivins, I thought war was like shootin' glass + balls. I niver thought iv th' glass balls thrainin' a dinnymite gun on me. + 'Tis a thrait iv us Anglo-Saxons that we look on an inimy as a target. If + ye hit him ye get three good see-gars. We're like people that dhreams iv + fights. In me dhreams I niver lost wan fight. A man I niver saw befure + comes up an' says something mane to me, that I can't raymimber, an' I + climb into him an' 'tis all over in a minyit. He niver hits me, or if he + does I don't feel it. I put him on his back an' bate him to death. An' + thin I help mesilf to his watch an' chain an' me frinds come down an' say, + 'Martin, ye haven't a scratch,' an' con-grathlate me, an' I wandher + ar-roun' th' sthreets with a chip on me shoulder till I look down an' see + that I haven't a stitch on me but a short shirt. An' thin I wake up. Th' + list iv knock-outs to me credit in dhreams wud make Fitzsimmons feel poor. + But ne'er a wan iv thim was printed in th' pa-apers.” + </p> + <p> + “'Tis so with me frinds, th' hands acrost th' sea. They wint to sleep an' + had a dhream. An' says they: 'We will sind down to South Africa thim + gallant throops that have won so manny hard-fought reviews,' they says, + 'captained,' they says, 'be th' flower iv our aristocracy,' they says. + 'An' whin th' Boers come out ar-rmed with rollin' pins an' bibles,' they + says, 'We'll just go at thim,' they says, 'an' walk through thim an' that + night we'll have a cotillyon at Pretoria to which all frinds is invited,' + they says. An' so they deposit their intellects in th' bank at home, an' + th' absent-minded beggars goes out in thransports iv pathreetism an' + pothry. An' they'se a meetin' iv th' cabinet an' 'tis decided that as th' + war will on'y las' wan week 'twill be well f'r to begin renamin' th' + cities iv th' Thransvaal afther pop'lar English statesmen—Joechamberlainville + an' Rhodesdorp an' Beitfontein. F'r they have put their hands to th' + plough an' th' sponge is squeezed dhry, an' th' sands iv th' glass have + r-run out an' th' account is wiped clean.” + </p> + <p> + “An' what's th' Boer doin' all this time? What's me frind th' Boer doin'. + Not sleepin', Hinnissy, mind ye. He hasn't anny dhreams iv conquest. But + whin a man with long whiskers comes r-ridin' up th' r-road an' says: 'Jan + Schmidt or Pat O'Toole or whativer his name is, ye're wanted at th' + front,' he goes home an' takes a rifle fr'm th' wall an' kisses his wife + an' childher good-bye an' puts a bible in th' tails iv his coat an' a + stovepipe hat on his head an' thramps away. An' his wife says: 'Good-bye, + Jan. Don't be long gone an' don't get shooted.' An' he says: 'Not while + I've got a leg undher me an' a rock in front iv me,' he says. I tell ye, + Hinnissy, ye can't beat a man that fights f'r his home an' counthry in a + stovepipe hat. He might be timpted f'r to come out fr'm cover f'r his + native land, but he knows if he goes home to his wife with his hat mussed + she won't like it, an' so he sets behind a rock an' plugs away. If th' lid + is knocked off he's fatally wounded.” + </p> + <p> + “What's th' raysult, Hinnissy? Th' British marches up with their bands + playin' an' their flags flyin'. An' th' Boers squat behind a bouldher or a + three or set comfortable in th' bed iv a river an' bang away. Their on'y + thradition is that it's betther to be a live Boer thin a dead hero, which + comes, perhaps, to th' same thing. They haven't been taught f'r hundherds + iv years that 'tis a miracle f'r to be an officer an' a disgrace to be a + private sojer. They know that if they're kilt they'll have their names + printed in th' pa-apers as well as th' Markess iv Doozleberry that's had + his eyeglass shot out. But they ain't lookin' f'r notoriety. All they want + is to get home safe, with their counthry free, their honor protected an' + their hats in good ordher. An' so they hammer away an' th' inimy keeps + comin', an' th' varyous editions iv th' London pa-apers printed in this + counthry have standin' a line iv type beginnin', 'I regret to state.'” + </p> + <p> + “All this, Hinnissy, comes fr'm dhreamin' dhreams. If th' British had + said, 'This unclean an' raypeecious people that we're against is also very + tough. Dirty though they be, they'll fight. Foul though their nature is, + they have ca'tridges in their belts. This not bein' England an' th' inimy + we have again us not bein' our frinds, we will f'rget th' gloryous + thraditions iv th' English an' Soudan ar-rmies an' instead iv r-rushin' on + thim sneak along yon kindly fence an' hit thim on th' back iv th' neck,'—they'd + be less, 'I r-regret-to-states' and more 'I'm plazed-to-reports.' They wud + so, an' I'm a man that's been through columns an' columns iv war. Ye'll + find, Hinnissy, that 'tis on'y ar-rmies fights in th' open. Nations fights + behind threes an' rocks. Ye can put that in ye're little book. 'Tis a + sayin' I made as I wint along.” + </p> + <p> + “We done th' same way oursilves,” said Mr. Hennessy. + </p> + <p> + “We did that,” said Mr. Dooley. “We were in a dhream, too. Th' on'y thing + is th' other fellow was in a thrance. We woke up first. An' anny-how I'm + goin' to apologize to Shafter. He may not have anny medals f'r standin' up + in range iv th' guns but, be hivins, he niver dhrove his buckboard into a + river occypied be th' formerly loathed Castile.” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0008" id="link2H_4_0008"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE WAR EXPERT + </h2> + <p> + Mr. Dooley was reading the war news—not our war news but the war + news we are interested in—when Mr. Hennessy interrupted him to ask + “What's a war expert?” + </p> + <p> + “A war expert,” said Mr. Dooley, “is a man ye niver heerd iv befure. If ye + can think iv annywan whose face is onfamilyar to ye an' ye don't raymimber + his name, an' he's got a job on a pa-aper ye didn't know was published, + he's a war expert. 'Tis a har-rd office to fill. Whin a war begins th' + timptation is sthrong f'r ivry man to grab hold iv a gun an go to th' + fr-ront. But th' war expert has to subjoo his cravin' f'r blood. He says + to himsilf 'Lave others seek th' luxuries iv life in camp,' he says. 'F'r + thim th' boat races acrost th' Tugela, th' romp over the kopje, an' th' + game iv laager, laager who's got th' laager?' he says. 'I will stand be me + counthry,' he says, 'close,' he says. 'If it falls,' he says, 'it will + fall on me,' he says. An' he buys himsilf a map made be a fortune teller + in a dhream, a box iv pencils an' a field glass, an' goes an' looks f'r a + job as a war expert. Says th' editor iv th' pa-aper: 'I don't know ye. Ye + must be a war expert,' he says. 'I am,' says th' la-ad. 'Was ye iver in a + war?' says th' editor. 'I've been in nawthin' else,' says th' la-ad. + 'Durin' th' Spanish-American War, I held a good job as a dhramatic critic + in Dedham, Matsachoosets,' he says. 'Whin th' bullets flew thickest in th' + Soodan I was spoortin' editor iv th' Christyan Advocate,' he says. 'I + passed through th' Franco-Prooshan War an' held me place, an' whin th' + Turks an' Rooshans was at each other's throats, I used to lay out th' + campaign ivry day on a checker board,' he says. 'War,' he says, has no + turrors f'r me,' he says. 'Ye're th man f'r th' money,' says th' editor. + An' he gets th' job.” + </p> + <p> + “Thin th' war breaks out in earnest. No matther how manny is kilt, + annything that happens befure th' war expert gets to wurruk is on'y what + we might call a prelimin'ry skirmish. He sets down an' bites th' end iv + his pencil an' looks acrost th' sthreet an' watches a man paintin' a sign. + Whin th' man gets through he goes to th' window an' waits to see whether + th' polisman that wint into th' saloon is afther a dhrink or sarvin' a + warrant. If he comes r-right out 'tis a warrant. Thin he sets back in a + chair an' figures out that th' pitchers on th' wall pa-aper ar-re all + alike ivry third row. Whin his mind is thurly tuned up be these inthricate + problems, he dashes to his desk an' writes what you an' I read th' nex' + day in th' pa-apers.” + </p> + <p> + “Clarence Pontoon, th' military expert iv th' London Mornin' Dhram, + reviewin' Gin'ral Buller's position on th' Tugela, says: 'It is manifest + fr'm th' dispatches tellin' that Gin'ral Buller has crost th' Tugela River + that Gin'ral Buller has crost th' Tugela River. This we r-read in spite iv + th' cinsor. Th' question is which side he has crost to. On Friday he was + on th' north side in th' mornin' an' on th' south side at night, an' in + th' river at noon. We heerd nawthin' Sathurdah mornin'. Th' presumption is + that they was nawthin' to hear. Therefore it is aisy to imagine Gin'ral + Buller, findin' his position on th' north side ontenable an' his position + on th' south side onbearable, is thransportin' his troops up th' river on + rafts an' is now engagin' th' inimy between Spitzozone an' Rottenfontein, + two imminsely sthrong points. All this dimonsthrates th' footility an' + foolishness iv attimptin' to carry a frontal position agains' large, + well-fed Dutchmen with mud in th' fr-ront iv thim.” + </p> + <p> + “'I cal'clate that it wud require thirty millyon thurly dauntless Britions + to ixicute such a manoover, tin Boers ar-rmed with pop bottles bein' now + considhered th' akel iv a brigade. What I wud do if I was Buller, an' I + thank Hivin I'm not, wud be move me ar-rmy in half-an-hour over th' high + but aisily accessible mountains to th' right iv Crowrijoy's forces, an' + takin' off me shoes so he cudden't hear thim squeak, creep up behind th' + Dutch an' lam their heads off. Afther this sthroke 'twud be aisy f'r to + get th' foorces iv Fr-rinch, Gatacre, Methoon, an' Winston Churchill + together some afthernoon, invite th' inimy to a band concert, surround an' + massacree thim. This adroit move cud be ixicuted if Roberts wud on'y make + use iv th' ixicillint bus sarvice between Hokesmith an' Mikesmith. It is + exthraordinary that th' gin'ral on th' groun' has not seen th' + possibilities so apparent at a distance.'” + </p> + <p> + “That's wan kind iv war expert, Hinnissy. Another kind is th' wan that + gives it good to th' gover'mint. Says Willum McGlue, war expert iv th' + London Mornin' Growl, who's supposed to be cheek be jowl with Lord + Wolseley. 'England's greatness is slippin' away. Th' failure iv th' + gover'mint to provide a well-equipped, thurly pathriotic ar-rmy iv Boers + to carry on this war undher th' leadership iv gallant Joobert is goin' to + be our roonation. We ar-re bethrayed be a lazy, effete, side-whiskered, + golf-playin' gover'mint that wud rather lose this fight thin win it + because they ar-re tired iv holdin' office. What can be said f'r public + men so lost to shame that they spell Kopje with a “c” an' ar-re sindin' + Englishmen to th' ends iv th' wurruld to fight f'r England? Down with + thim!'” + </p> + <p> + “Well sir, 'tis a gr-reat thing f'r a counthry to have th' likes iv thim + ar-round to direct manoovers that'd be gatherin' dust on th' shelf if th' + gin'rals had their say, an' to prove to th' wurruld that th' English ar-re + not frivolous, excitable people like us an' th' Frinch, but can take a + batin' without losin' their heads.” + </p> + <p> + “Sure,” said Mr. Hennessy, “tis not thim that does th' fightin'. Th' + la-ads with th' guns has that job.” + </p> + <p> + “Well,” said Mr. Dooley, “they'se two kinds iv fightin'. Th' experts wants + th' ar-rmy to get into Pretoria dead or alive, an' th' sojers wants to get + in alive. I'm no military expert, Hinnissy. I'm too well known. But I have + me own opinyon on th' war. All this talk about th' rapid fire gun an' + modhren methods iv warfare makes me wondher. They'se not so much + diff'rence between war now an' war whin I was a kid, as they let on. Th' + gun that shoots ye best fr'm a distance don't shoot ye so well close to. A + pile iv mud is a pile iv mud now just th' same as it was whin Gin'ral + Grant was pokin' ar-round. If th' British can get over th' mud pile they + win th' fight. If they can't they're done. That's all they'se to it. Mos' + men, sthrongest backs, best eyes an' th' ownership iv th' mud piles. + That's war, Hinnissy. Th' British have th' men. They're shy iv backs, eyes + an' mud piles, an' they will be until they larn that sheep-herdin' an' + gin'ralship ar-re diff'rent things, an' fill up their ar-rmy with men that + ar-re not fightin' f'r money or glory, but because they want to get home + to their wives alive.” + </p> + <p> + “Ye talk like an' ol book,” said Mr. Hennessy, in disgust. “Ye with ye-re + maundhrin' ar-re no betther thin thim expert la-ads.” + </p> + <p> + “Well annyhow,” said Mr. Dooley thoughtfully, “th' expert is sarvin' a + useful purpose. Th' papers says th' rapid fire gun'll make war in th' + future impossible. I don't think that, but I know th' expert will.” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0009" id="link2H_4_0009"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + MODERN EXPLOSIVES + </h2> + <p> + “If iver I wanted to go to war,” said Mr. Dooley, “an' I niver did, th' + desire has passed fr'm me iv late. Ivry time I read iv th' desthructive + power iv modhern explosives col' chills chase each other up an' down me + spine.” + </p> + <p> + “What's this here stuff they calls lyddite?” Mr. Hennessy asked. + </p> + <p> + “Well, 'tis th' divvle's own med'cine,” said Mr. Dooley. “Compared with + lyddite joynt powdher is Mrs. Winslow's soothin' surup, an' ye cud lave + th' childher play base-ball with a can iv dinnymite. 'Tis as sthrong as + Gin'ral Crownjoy's camp th' day iv th' surrinder an' almost as sthrong as + th' pollytics iv Montana. Th' men that handles it is cased in six inch + armor an' played on be a hose iv ice wather. Th' gun that shoots it is + always blown up be th' discharge. Whin this deadly missile flies through + th' air, th' threes ar-re withered an' th' little bur-rds falls dead fr'm + th' sky, fishes is kilt in th' rivers, an' th' tillyphone wires won't + wurruk. Th' keen eyed British gunners an' corryspondints watches it in its + hellish course an' tur-rn their faces as it falls into th' Boer trench. + An' oh! th' sickly green fumes it gives off, jus' like pizen f'r potato + bugs! There is a thremenjous explosion. Th' earth is thrown up f'r miles. + Horses, men an' gun carredges ar-re landed in th' British camp whole. Th' + sun is obscured be Boer whiskers turned green. Th' heart iv th' + corryspondint is made sick be th' sight, an' be th' thought iv th' fearful + carnage wrought be this dhread desthroyer in th' ranks iv th' brave but + misguided Dutchmen. Th' nex' day deserters fr'm th' Boer ranks reports + that they have fled fr'm th' camp, needin' a dhrink an' onable to stand + th' scenes iv horror. They announce that th' whole Boer ar-rmy is as green + as wall paper, an' th' Irish brigade has sthruck because ye can't tell + their flag fr'm th' flag iv th' r-rest iv th' Dutch. Th' Fr-rinch gin'ral + in command iv th' Swedish corps lost his complexion an' has been sint to + th' hospital, an' Mrs. Gin'ral Crownjoy's washin' that was hangin' on th' + line whin th' bombardmint comminced is a total wreck which no amount iv + bluin' will save. Th' deserters also report that manny iv th' Boers ar-re + outspannin', trekkin', loogerin', kopjein' an' veldtin' home to be dyed, + f'r'tis not known whether lyddite is a fast color or will come out in th' + wash.” + </p> + <p> + “In spite iv their heavy losses th' Boers kept up a fierce fire. They had + no lyddite, but with their other divvlish modhern explosives they wrought + thremenjous damage. F'r some hours shells burst with turr'ble precision in + th' British camp. Wan man who was good at figures counted as manny as + forty-two thousan' eight hundhred an' sivin burstin' within a radyus iv + wan fut. Ye can imagine th' hor-rible carnage. Colonel C. G. F. K. L. M. + N. O. P. Hetherington-Casey-Higgins lost his eye-glass tin times, th' las' + time almost swallowin' it, while ye'er faithful corryspondint was rindered + deaf be th' explosions. Another Irish rig'mint has disappearded, th' + Twelve Thousandth an' Eighth, Dublin Fusiliers. Brave fellows, 'tis + suspicted they mistook th' explosion of lyddite f'r a Pathrick's Day + procession an' wint acrost to take a look at it.” + </p> + <p> + “Murdher, but 'tis dhreadful to r-read about. We have to change all our + conciptions iv warfare. Wanst th' field was r-red, now 'tis a br-right + lyddite green. Wanst a man wint out an' died f'r his counthry, now they + sind him out an' lyddite dyes him. What do I mane? 'Tis a joke I made. + I'll not explane it to ye. Ye wudden't undherstand it. 'Tis f'r th' + eddycated classes.” + </p> + <p> + “How they're iver goin' to get men to fight afther this I cudden't tell + ye. 'Twas bad enough in th' ol' days whin all that happened to a sojer was + bein' pinithrated be a large r-round gob iv solder or stuck up on th' end + iv a baynit be a careless inimy. But now-a-days, they have th' bullet that + whin it enthers ye tur-rns ar-round like th' screw iv a propeller, an' + another wan that ye might say goes in be a key-hole an' comes out through + a window, an' another that has a time fuse in it an' it doesn't come out + at all but stays in ye, an' mebbe twinty years afther, whin ye've f'rgot + all about it an' ar-re settin' at home with ye'er fam'ly, bang! away it + goes an' ye with it, carryin' off half iv th' roof. Thin they have guns as + long as fr'm here to th' rollin' mills that fires shells as big as a + thrunk. Th' shells are loaded like a docthor's bag an' have all kinds iv + things in thim that won't do a bit iv good to man or beast. If a sojer has + a weak back there's something in th' shell that removes a weak back; if + his head throubles him, he can lose it; if th' odher iv vilets is + distasteful to him th' shell smothers him in vilet powdher. They have guns + that anny boy or girl who knows th' typewriter can wurruk, an' they have + other guns on th' music box plan, that ye wind up an' go away an' lave, + an' they annoy anny wan that comes along. They have guns that bounces up + out iv a hole in th' groun', fires a millyon shells a minyit an' dhrops + back f'r another load. They have guns that fire dinnymite an' guns that + fire th' hateful, sickly green lyddite that makes th' inimy look like fiat + money, an' guns that fire canned beef f'r th' inimy an' distimper powdher + for th' inimy's horses. An' they have some guns that shoot straight.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, thin,” Mr. Hennessy grumbled, “it's a wondher to me that with all + thim things they ain't more people kilt. Sure, Gin'ral Grant lost more men + in wan day thin th' British have lost in four months, an' all he had to + keep tab on was ol' fashioned bullets an' big, bouncin' iron balls.” + </p> + <p> + “Thrue,” said Mr. Dooley. “I don't know th' reason, but it mus' be that + th' betther gun a man has th' more he thrusts th' gun an' th' less he + thrusts himsilf. He stays away an' shoots. He says to himsilf, he says: + 'They'se nawthin' f'r me to do,' he says, 'but load up me little lyddite + cannon with th' green goods,' he says, 'an' set here at the organ,' he + says, 'pull out th' stops an' paint th' town iv Pretoria green,' he says. + 'But,' he says, 'on sicond thought, suppose th' inimy shud hand it back to + me,' he says. 'Twud be oncomfortable,' he says. 'So,' he says, 'I'll jus' + move me music back a mile,' he says, 'an' peg away, an' th' longest gun + takes th' persimmons,' he says. 'Tis this way: If ye an' I fall out an' + take rifles to each other, 'tis tin to wan nayether iv us gets clost + enough to hit. If we take pistols th' odds is rayjooced. If we take swords + I may get a hack at ye, but if we take a half-nelson lock 'tis even money + I have ye'er back broke befure th' polis comes.” + </p> + <p> + “I can see in me mind th' day whin explosives'll be so explosive an' + guns'll shoot so far that on'y th' folks that stay at home'll be kilt, an' + life insurance agents'll be advisin' people to go into th' ar-rmy. I can + so. 'Tis thrue what Hogan says about it.” + </p> + <p> + “What's that?” Mr. Hennessy asked. + </p> + <p> + “Th' nation,” said Mr. Dooley, “that fights with a couplin' pin extinds + its bordhers at th' cost iv th' nation that fights with a clothes pole.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, sir,” said Mr. Dooley, “tis a fine rayciption th' Boer dillygates + is havin' in this counthry.” + </p> + <p> + “They'll be out here nex' week,” said Mr. Hennessy. + </p> + <p> + “They will that,” Mr. Dooley replied, “an' we'll show thim that our + inthrest in small raypublics fightin' f'r their liberty ain't disappeared + since we become an impeeryal nation. No, sir. We have as much inthrest as + iver, but we have more inthrests elsewhere.” + </p> + <p> + “Oom Paul, he says to th' la-ads: 'Go,' he says, 'to me good an' great + frind, Mack th' Wanst, an' lay th' case befure him,' he says. 'Tell him,' + he says, 'that th' situation is just th' same as it was durin' Wash'nton's + time,' he says, 'on'y Wash'nton won, an' we're rapidly losin' kopjes till + we soon won't have wan to sthrike a match on,' he says. An' off goes th' + good men. Whin they started the Boers was doin' pretty well, Hinnissy. + They were fightin' Englishmen, an' that's a lawn tinnis to a rale fightin' + man. But afther awhile the murdherin' English gover'mint put in a few + recreent but gallant la-ads fr'm th' ol' dart—we ought to be proud + iv thim, curse thim—Pat O'Roberts, an' Mike McKitchener, an' + Terrence O'Fr-rinch—an' they give th' view—halloo an' wint + through th' Dutch like a party comin' home fr'm a fifteenth iv August + picnic might go through a singerbund. So be th' time th' dillygates got to + Europe it was: 'James, if thim br-rave but misguided Dutch appears, squirt + th' garden hose on thim. I'll see th' British embassadure this + afthernoon.' Ye see, Hinnissy, 'twas ol' Kruger's play to keep on winnin' + battles till th' dillygates had their say. Th' amount iv sympathy that + goes out f'r a sthrugglin' people is reg'lated, Hinnissy, be th' amount iv + sthrugglin' th' people can do. Th' wurruld, me la-ad, is with th' undher + dog on'y as long as he has a good hold an' a chanst to tur-rn over.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, sir, whin th' dillygates see they cudden't do business in Europe, + says they to thimsilves: 'We'll pike acrost th' ragin' sea,' they says, + 'an in th' home iv Wash'nton, Lincoln, an' Willum J. Bryan, ye bet we'll + have a hearin',' an' they got wan. Ivrybody's listenin' to thim. But no + wan replies. If they'd come here three months ago, befure Crownjoy was + suffocated out iv his hole in th' groun', they'd be smokin' their pipes in + rockin' chairs on th' veranda iv th' white house an' passin' th' bucket + between thim an' Mack. But 'tis diff'rent now. 'Tis diff'rent now. Says + Willum J. Bryan: 'I can't see thim mesilf, f'r it may not be long befure + I'll have to dale with these inthricate problems, I hope an' pray, but + Congressman Squirtwather, do ye disguise ye'ersilf as a private citizen + an' go down to th' hotel an' tell these la-ads that I'm with thim quietly + if public opinyon justifies it an' Mack takes th' other side. Tell thim I + frequently say to mesilf that they're all r-right, but I wudden't want it + to go further. Perhaps they cud be injooced to speak at a dimmycratic + meetin' unbeknown to me,' he says. + </p> + <p> + “Sicrety Hay meets thim in a coal cellar, wearin' a mask. 'Gintlemen,' + says he, 'I can assure ye th' prisidint an' mesilf feels mos' deeply f'r + ye. I needn't tell ye about mesilf,' he says. 'Haven't I sint me own son + into ye'er accursed but liberty-lovin' counthry,' he says. 'As f'r Mack, I + assure ye he's hear-rtbroken over th' tur-rn affairs have taken,' he says. + 'Early in th' war he wrote to Lord Salisberry, sayin' he hoped 'twud not + be continyued to iliction day, an' Salisberry give him a gruff response. + Tur-rned him down, though both ar-re Anglo-Saxons,' he says. 'Las' night + his sobs fairly shook th' white house as he thought iv ye an' ye'er + sthruggle. He wants to tell ye how much he thinks iv ye, an' he'll meet ye + in th' carredge house if ye'll shave off ye'er whiskers an' go as + clam-peddlers. Ye'll reco'nize him in a green livery. He'll wear a pink + carnation in his buttonhole. Give th' names iv Dorsey an' Flannagan, an' + if th' English ambassadure goes by get down on ye'er ban's an' knees an' + don't make a sign till he's out iv sight,' he says. 'Th' stout party in + blue near by'll be Mark Hanna. He may be able to arrange a raypublican + meetin' f'r ye to addhress,' he says. 'The gr-reat hear-rt iv th' + raypublican party throbs f'r ye. So does Mack's,' he says. 'So does mine,' + he says.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, th' dillygates met Mack an' they had a pleasant chat. 'Will ye,' + says they, 'inthervene an' whistle off th' dogs iv war?' they says. + 'Whisper,' says Mack, th' tears flowin' down his cheeks. 'Iver since this + war started me eyes have been fixed on th' gallant or otherwise, nation or + depindancy, fightin' its brave battle f'r freedom or rebellin' again' th' + sov'reign power, as the case may be,' he says. 'Unofficially, my sympathy + has gone out to ye, an' bur-rnin' wurruds iv unofficial cheer has been + communicated unofficially be me to me official fam'ly, not, mind ye, as an + official iv this magnificent an' liberty-lovin' raypublic, but as a + private citizen,' he says. 'I feel, as a private citizen, that so long,' + he says, 'as the br-right star iv liberty shines resplindent over our + common counthries, with th' example iv Washin'ton in ye'er eyes, an' th' + iliction comin' on, that ye must go forward an' conker or die,' he says. + 'An',' he says, 'Willum McKinley is not th' man to put annything in ye'er + way,' he says. 'Go back to me gr-reat an' good frind an' tell him that th' + hear-rt iv th' raypublican party throbs f'r him,' he says. 'An' Sicrety + Hay's,' he says, 'an' mine,' he says, 'unofficially,' he says. 'Me + official hear-rt,' he says, 'is not permitted be th' constitootion to + throb durin' wurrukin' hours,' he says. + </p> + <p> + “An' so it goes. Ivrywhere th' dillygates tur-rns they see th' sign: 'This + is me busy day.' An' whin they get back home they can tell th' people they + found th' United States exudin' sympathy at ivry pore—'marked + private.'” + </p> + <p> + “Don't ye think th' United States is enthusyastic f'r th' Boers?” asked + the innocent Hennessy. + </p> + <p> + “It was,” said Mr. Dooley. “But in th' las' few weeks it's had so manny + things to think iv. Th' enthusyasm iv this counthry, Hinnissy, always + makes me think iv a bonfire on an ice-floe. It burns bright so long as ye + feed it, an' it looks good, but it don't take hold, somehow, on th' ice.” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0010" id="link2H_4_0010"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE CHINESE SITUATION + </h2> + <p> + “Well, sir,” said Mr. Hennessy, “to think iv th' audacity iv thim + Chinymen! It do bate all.” + </p> + <p> + “It do that,” said Mr. Dooley. “It bates th' wurruld. An' what's it comin' + to? You an' me looks at a Chinyman as though he wasn't good f'r annything + but washin' shirts, an' not very good at that. Tis wan iv th' spoorts iv + th' youth iv our gr-reat cities to rowl an impty beer keg down th' steps + iv a Chinee laundhry, an' if e'er a Chinyman come out to resint it they'd + take him be th' pigtail an' do th' joynt swing with him. But th' Chinyman + at home's a diff'rent la-ad. He's with his frinds an' they're manny iv + thim an' he's rowlin' th' beer kegs himsilf an' Westhren Civilization is + down in th' laundhry wondhrin' whin th' police'll come along.” + </p> + <p> + “Th' Lord f'rgive f'r sayin' it, Hinnissy, but if I was a Chinyman, which + I will fight anny man f'r sayin,' an' was livin' at home, I'd tuck me + shirt into me pants, put me braid up in a net, an' go out an' take a fall + out iv th' in-vader if it cost me me life. Here am I, Hop Lung Dooley, + r-runnin' me little liquor store an' p'rhaps raisin' a family in th' town + iv Koochoo. I don't like foreigners there anny more thin I do here. Along + comes a bald-headed man with chin whiskers from Baraboo, Wisconsin, an' + says he: 'Benighted an' haythen Dooley,' says he, 'ye have no God,' he + says. 'I have,' says I. 'I have a lot iv thim,' says I. 'Ye ar-re an + oncultivated an' foul crather,' he says. 'I have come six thousan' miles + f'r to hist ye fr'm th' mire iv ignorance an' irrellijon in which ye live + to th' lofty plane iv Baraboo,' he says. An' he sets down on an aisy + chair, an' his wife an' her friends come in an' they inthrojooce Mrs. + Dooley to th' modhren improvements iv th' corset an' th' hat with th' blue + bur-rd onto it, an' put shame into her because she hasn't let her feet + grow, while th' head mission'ry reads me a pome out iv th' <i>Northwesthren + Christyan Advocate</i>. 'Well,' says I, 'look here, me good fellow,' I + says. 'Me an' me people has occypied these here primises f'r manny years,' + I says, 'an' here we mean to stay,' I says. 'We're doin' th' best we can + in th' matther iv gods,' says I. 'We have thim cast at a first-rate + foundhry,' I says, 'an' we sandpa-aper thim ivry week,' says I. 'As f'r + knowin' things,' I says, 'me people wrote pomes with a markin' brush whin + th' likes iv ye was r-runnin' ar-round wearin' a short pelisse iv + sheepskins an' batin' each other to death with stone hammers,' says I. An' + I'm f'r firin' him out, but bein' a quite man I lave him stay.” + </p> + <p> + “Th' nex' day in comes a man with a suit iv clothes that looks like a + tablecloth in a section house, an' says he: 'Poor ignorant haythen,' he + says, 'what manner iv food d'ye ate?' he says. 'Rice,' says I, 'an' rats + is me fav'rite dish,' I says. 'Deluded wretch,' says he. 'I riprisint + Armour an' Company, an' I'm here to make ye change ye'er dite,' he says. + 'Hinceforth ye'll ate th' canned roast beef iv merry ol' stock yards or + I'll have a file iv sojers in to fill ye full iv ondygistible lead,' he + says. An' afther him comes th' man with Aunt Miranda's Pan Cakes an' + Flaked Bran an' Ye'll-perish-if-ye-don't-eat-a-biscuit an' other + riprisintatives iv Westhern Civilization, an' I'm to be shot if I don't + take thim all.” + </p> + <p> + “Thin a la-ad runs down with a chain an' a small glass on three sticks an' + a gang iv section men that answers to th' name iv Casey, an' pro-ceeds f'r + to put down a railroad. 'What's this f'r?' says I. 'We ar-re th' advance + guard iv Westhren Civilization,' he says, 'an we're goin' to give ye a + railroad so ye can go swiftly to places that ye don't want to see,' he + says. 'A counthry that has no railroads is beneath contimpt,' he says. + 'Casey,' he says, 'sthretch th' chain acrost yon graveyard,' he says. 'I + aim f'r to put th' thrack just befure that large tombstone marked + Riquiescat in Pace, James H. Chung-a-lung,' he says. 'But,' says I, 'ye + will disturb pah's bones,' says I, 'if ye go to layin' ties,' I says. + 'Ye'll be mixin' up me ol' man with th' Cassidy's in th' nex' lot that,' I + says, 'he niver spoke to save in anger in his life,' I says. 'Ye're an + ancestor worshiper, heathen,' says the la-ad, an' he goes on to tamp th' + mounds in th' cimitry an ballast th' thrack with th' remains iv th' + deceased. An' afther he's got through along comes a Fr-rinchman, an' an + Englishman, an' a Rooshan, an' a Dutchman, an' says wan iv them: 'This is + a comfortable lookin' saloon,' he says. 'I'll take th' bar, ye take th' + ice-box an' th' r-rest iv th' fixtures.' 'What f'r?' says I. 'I've paid + th' rent an' th' license,' says I. 'Niver mind,' says he. 'We're th' + riprisintatives iv Westhren Civilization,' he says, 'an' 'tis th' business + iv Westhren Civilization to cut up th' belongings iv Easthren + Civilization,' he says. 'Be off,' he says, 'or I'll pull ye'er hair,' he + says. 'Well,' says I, 'this thing has gone far enough,' I says. 'I've + heerd me good ol' cast-iron gods or josses abused,' I says, 'an' I've been + packed full iv canned goods, an' th' Peking Lightnin' Express is r-runnin' + sthraight through th' lot where th' bones iv me ancesthors lies,' I says. + 'I've shtud it all,' I says, 'but whin ye come here to bounce me off iv me + own primises,' I says, 'I'll have to take th' leg iv th' chair to ye,' I + says. An' we're to th' flure.” + </p> + <p> + “That's th' way it stands in Chiny, Hinnissy, an' it looks to me as though + Westhren Civilization was in f'r a bump. I mind wanst whin a dhrunk prize + fighter come up th' r-road and wint to sleep on Slavin's steps. Some iv + th' good sthrong la-ads happened along an' they were near bein' at blows + over who shud have his watch an' who shud take his hat. While they were + debatin' he woke up an' begin cuttin' loose with hands an' feet, an' whin + he got through he made a collection iv th' things they dhropped in + escapin' an' marched ca'mly down th' sthreet. Mebbe 'twill tur-rn out so + in Chiny, Hinnissy. I see be th' pa-apers that they'se four hundherd + millyons iv thim boys an' be hivins! 'twuddent surprise me if whin they + got through batin' us at home, they might say to thimsilves: 'Well, here + goes f'r a jaunt ar-roun' the wurruld.' Th' time may come, Hinnissey, whin + ye'll be squirtin' wather over Hop Lee's shirt while a man named Chow Fung + kicks down ye'er sign an' heaves rocks through ye'er windy. The time may + come, Hinnissy. Who knows?” + </p> + <p> + “End ye'er blather,” said Mr. Hennessy. “They won't be anny Chinymen left + whin Imp'ror Willum gets through.” + </p> + <p> + “Mebbe not,” says Mr. Dooley. “He's a sthrong man. But th' Chinymen have + been on earth a long time, an' I don't see how we can push so manny iv + thim off iv it. Annyhow, 'tis a good thing f'r us they ain't Christyans + an' haven't larned properly to sight a gun.” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0011" id="link2H_4_0011"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + MINISTER WU + </h2> + <p> + “Well, sir, me little Chinee frind Woo must be havin' th' time iv his life + in Wash'nton these warm days,” said Mr. Dooley. + </p> + <p> + “Who's he?” asked Mr. Hennessy. + </p> + <p> + “He's th' Chinee ministher,” said Mr. Dooley, “an' his business is f'r to + supply fresh hand-laundhried misinformation to the sicrety iv state. Th' + sicrety iv state is settin' in his office feelin' blue because he's just + heerd be a specyal corryspondint iv th' London Daily Pail at Sydney, + Austhreelya, who had it fr'm a slatewriter in Duluth that an ar-rmy iv + four hundherd an' eight thousan' millyon an' sivinty-five bloodthirsty + Chinee, ar-rmed with flatirnes an' cryin', 'Bung Loo!' which means, + Hinnissy, 'Kill th' foreign divvles, dhrive out th' missionries, an' set + up in Chiny a gover'mint f'r the Chinee,' is marchin' on Vladivostook in + Siberyia, not far fr'm Tinsin.” + </p> + <p> + A knock comes at th' dure an' Woo enthers. 'Well,' says he, with a happy + smile, ''tis all right.' 'What's all right?' says the sicrety iv state. + 'Ivrything,' says Woo. 'I have just found a letter sewed in a shirt fr'm + me frind Lie Much, th' viceroy iv Bumbang. It is dated th' fourth hour iv + th' third day iv th' eighth or green-cheese moon,' he says. 'What day is + that?' says the sicrety iv state. 'It's Choosdah, th' fourth iv July; + Winsdah, th' eighth iv October, an' Thursdah, the sivinteenth iv March,' + he says. 'Pathrick's day,' says th' sicrety iv state. 'Thrue f'r ye,' says + Woo. 'What year?' says Jawn Hay. 'The year iv th' big wind,' says Woo. + 'Good,' says John Hay, 'proceed with ye'er story.' 'Here's th' letther,' + says Woo. 'I know 'tis genooyine because it is an ol' dhress patthern used + be th' impress. It says: 'Oscar Woo, care iv himsilf, annywhere: Dear Woo, + brother iv th' moon, uncle iv th' sun, an' roommate iv th' stars, dear + sir: Yours iv th' eighth day iv th' property moon rayceived out iv th' air + yesterdah afthernoon or to-morrow, an' was glad to note ye ar-re feelin' + well. Ivrything over here is th' same ol' pair iv boots. Nawthin' doin'. + Peking is as quiet as th' gr-rave. Her majesty, th' impress, is sufferin' + slightly fr'm death be poison, but is still able to do th' cookin' f'r the + Rooshan ambassadure. Th' impror was beheaded las' week an' feels so much + betther f'r the op'ration that he expicts to be quarthered nex' Sundah. + He's always wanted to rayjooce his weight. Some iv th' Boxers called on + th' foreigners at Tinsin las' week an' met a warrum rayciption. Th' + foreigners aftherward paid a visit to thim through a hole in th' wall, an' + a jolly day concluded with a foot race, at which our people are becomin' + expert. Some iv th' boys expicts to come up to Peking nex' week, an' th' + people along th' line iv th' railroad are gettin' ready f'r thim. This is + really all the news I have, excipt that cherries ar-re ripe. Me pin is + poor, me ink is dhry, me love f'r you can niver die. Give me regards to + Sicrety Hay whin he wakes up. I remain, illusthrus cousin iv th' risin' + dawn, thruly ye'ers, Li. + </p> + <p> + P. S.—If ye need anny more information take a longer dhraw.' + </p> + <p> + “'That,' says Woo, 'is wan way iv r-readin' it. Read upside down it says + that the impress has become a Swedenboorjan. I will r-read it standin' on + me head whin I get home where I can pin down me overskirt; thin I'll + r-read it in a lookin' glass; thin I'll saw it into sthrips an' r-run it + through a wringer an' lave it stand in a tub iv bluein', an' whin its + properly starched I'll find out what it says. Fin'lly I'll cut it into + small pieces an' cook with rice an' lave it to rest in a cool place, an' + thin 'twill r-read even betther. I hope ye're satisfied,' he says. 'I am,' + says Jawn Hay. 'I'll tillygraft to Mark that ivrything is all r-right,' he + says, 'an' that our relations with his majesty or her majesty or their + Boxerships or th' Down-with-th'-foreign-divvlers or whoiver's runnin' th' + shop over beyant are as they ought to be or worse or betther, as th' case + may be,' he says. 'Good,' says Woo, 'ye're a man afther me own heart,' he + says. 'I'll sind ye a little book wrote be a frind iv mine in Peking,' he + says. ''Tis called “Heart to Heart Lies I Have Had,” he says. 'Ye'll like + it,' he says. 'In the manetime,' he says, 'I must write a secret message + to go out be to-night's hot-air express to me corryspondint in Meriden, + Connecticut, urgin' him to sind more im-peeryal edicks iv a fav'r-able + nature,' he says. 'I've on'y had twinty so far, an' I'm gettin' + scrivener's palsy,' he says. 'But befure I go,' he says, 'I bet ye eight + millyon yens, or three dollars an' eighty-four cints iv ye'er money, that + ye can't pick out th' shell this here pea is undher,' he says. An' they + set down to a game iv what is known at Peking as diplomacy, Hinnissy, but + on Randolph sthreet viadock is called the double dirty.” + </p> + <p> + “I don't believe wan wurrud iv what's in th' pa-apers about Chiny,” said + Mr. Hennessy. + </p> + <p> + “Well,” said Mr. Dooley, “if ye believe annything ye'll believe ivrything. + 'Tis a grand contist that's goin' on between Westhren an' Easthren + civilliezation. 'Tis a joke iv me own, Hinnissy, an' ye'd undherstand it + if ye knew spellin. Th' Westhren civilization, Hinnissy—that's us—is + a pretty good liar, but he's a kind iv rough-an'-tumble at it. He goes in + head down, an' ivry lie he tells looks like all th' others. Ye niver see + an Englishman that had anny judgment in lyin'. Th' corryspondint iv th' + Daily Pail is out iv his class. He's carryin' lies to Lieville. How in th' + wurruld can we compete with a counthry where ivry lab'rer's cottage + projooces lies so delicate that th' workmen iv th' West can't undherstand + thim? We make our lies be machinery; they tur-rn out theirs be hand. They + imitate th' best iv our canned lies to deceive people that likes that + kind, but f'r artists they have lies that appeals to a more refined taste. + Sure I'd like to live among thim an' find out th' kind iv bouncers they + tell each other. They must be gr-rand. I on'y know their export lies now—th' + surplus lies they can't use at home. An' th' kind they sind out ar-re + betther thin our best. Our lies is no more thin a conthradiction iv th' + thruth; their lies appeals to th' since iv honesty iv anny civilized man.” + </p> + <p> + “They can't hurt us with their lies,” said Mr. Hennessy of our Western + civilization. “We have th' guns an' we'll bate thim yet.” + </p> + <p> + “Yes,” said Mr. Dooley, “an' 'twill be like a man who's had his house + desthroyed be a cyclone gettin' up an' kickin' at th' air.” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0012" id="link2H_4_0012"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE FUTURE OF CHINA + </h2> + <p> + “Be th' time th' Chinese gets through with this here job o' theirs,” said + Mr. Dooley, “they'll know a thing or two about good manners an' Christyan + idees.” + </p> + <p> + “They need thim,” said Mr. Hennessy. + </p> + <p> + “They do so,” said Mr. Dooley. “An' they'll get thim. By an' by th' allied + foorces will proceed to Peking. It may not be in ye'er life time or in + mine, or in th' life time iv th' ministhers, Hinnissy. They ar-re in no + hurry. Th' ministhers ar-re as comfortable as they can be on a dite iv + polo ponies an' bamboo, an' they have exercise enough dodgin' cannon balls + to have no fear iv indygisthion. They'se no need of haste. Th' allied + foorces must take no step forward while wan ar-rmed foe survives. It was + rayported last week that th' advance had begun, but on sindin' out scouts + 'twas discovered that th' asphalt road to th' capital was not r-ready an' + th' gallant sojer boys was afraid to risk their beecycles on a defictive + pavement. Thin th' parlor cars ordhered be th' Rooshan admiral has not + arrived an' wan iv th' Frinch gin'rals lost an omelette, or whativer 'tis + they wear on their shouldhers, an' he won't budge till it can be replaced + fr'm Pahrs. A sthrong corps iv miners an' sappers has gone ahead f'r to + lo-cate good resthrants on th' line iv march, but th' weather is cloudy + an' th' silk umbrellys haven't arrived, an' they'se supposed to be four + hundhred millyon Chiny-men with pinwheels an' Roman candles blockin' th' + way, so th' advance has been postponed indifinitely. Th' American foorces + is r-ready f'r to start immejately, but they ar-re not there yet. Th' + British gin'ral is waitin' f'r th' Victorya cross befure he does + annything, an' th' Japanese an' th' Rooshan is dancin' up an' down sayin' + 'Afther you, me boy.'” + </p> + <p> + “But afther awhile, whin th' frost is on th' pumpkin an' th' corn is in + th' shock, whin th' roads has been repaired, an' ivry gin'ral's lookin' + his best, an' in no danger iv a cold on th' chist, they'll prance away. + An' whin they get to th' city iv Peking a fine cillybration is planned be + th' mission'ries. I see th' programme in th' pa-aper: First day, 10 A.M., + prayers be th' allied mission'ries; 1 P.M., massacree iv the impress an' + rile fam'ly; sicond day, 10 A.M., scatthrin' iv remains iv former kings; + 11 A.M., disecration iv graves gin'rally; 2 P.M., massacree iv all + gin'rals an' coort officials; third day, 12 noon, burnin' iv Peking; + foorth day, gran' pop'lar massacree an' division iv territ'ry, th' + cillybration to close with a rough-an'-tumble fight among th' allies.” + </p> + <p> + “'Twill be a gr-reat occasion, Hinnissy, an' be-dad I'd like to be there + to see it. Ye can't go too sthrong again' th' Chinee. Me frind th' impror + iv Germany put it right. 'Brave boys,' says he, 'ye ar-re goin' out now,' + he says, 'f'r to carry th' light iv Christyanity,' he says, 'an' th' + teachin's iv th' German Michael,' he says, 'to th' benighted haythen + beyant,' he says. 'Me an' Mike is watchin' ye' he says, 'an' we ixpict ye + to do ye'er duty,' he says. 'Through you,' he says, 'I propose to smash + th' vile Chinee with me mailed fist,' he says. 'This is no six-ounce glove + fight, but demands a lunch-hook done up in eight-inch armor plate,' he + says. 'Whin ye get among th' Chinee,' he says, 'raymimber that ye ar-re + the van guard iv Christyanity,' he says, 'an' stick ye'er baynet through + ivry hated infidel ye see,' he says. 'Lave thim undherstand what our + westhren civilization means,' he says, 'an' prod thim good an' hard,' he + says. 'Open their heads with ye'er good German swords to Eu-ropyan culture + an' refinement,' he says. 'Spare no man that wears a pigtail,' he says. + 'An,' he says, 'me an' th' German Michael will smile on ye as ye kick th' + linin' out iv th' dhragon an' plant on th' walls iv Peking th' banner,' he + says, 'iv th' cross, an',' he says, 'th' double cross,' he says. 'An' if + be chance ye shud pick up a little land be th' way, don't lave e'er a + Frinchman or Rooshan take it fr'm ye, or ye'll feel me specyal delivery + hand on th' back iv ye'er neck in a way that'll do ye no kind iv good. + Hock German Michael,' he says, 'hock me gran'father, hoch th' penny + postage fist,' he says, 'hock mesilf,' he says. An th' German impror wint + back to his bedroom f'r to wurruk on th' book he's goin' to br-ring out + nex' year to take th' place iv th' bible. + </p> + <p> + “He's th' boy f'r me money. Whin th' German throops takes their part in + th' desthruction iv Peking they'll be none iv th' allied foorces 'll stick + deeper or throw th' backbone iv th' impress' ol' father higher thin th' + la-ads fr'm th' home iv th' sausage. I hope th' cillybration 'll occur on + Chris'mas day. I'd like to hear th' sojers singin' 'Gawd r-rest ye, merry + Chinnymen' as they punchered thim with a baynit.” + </p> + <p> + “'Twill be a good thing,” said Mr. Hennessy. + </p> + <p> + “It will that,” said Mr. Dooley. + </p> + <p> + “'Twill civilize th' Chinnymen,” said Mr. Hennessy. + </p> + <p> + “'Twill civilize thim stiff,” said Mr. Dooley. “An' it may not be a bad + thing f'r th' r-rest iv th' wurruld. Perhaps contack with th' Chinee may + civlize th' Germans.” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0013" id="link2H_4_0013"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + PLATFORM MAKING + </h2> + <p> + “That sthrikes me as a gran' platform,” said Mr. Hennessy. “I'm with it + fr'm start to finish.” + </p> + <p> + “Sure ye are,” said Mr. Dooley, “an' so ye'd be if it begun: 'We denounce + Terence Hinnissy iv th' Sixth Ward iv Chicago as a thraitor to his + country, an inimy iv civilization, an' a poor thing.' Ye'd say: 'While + there are wan or two things that might be omitted, th' platform as a whole + is a statesmanlike docymint, an' wan that appeals to th' intelligince iv + American manhood.' That's what ye'd say, an' that's what all th' likes iv + ye'd say. An' whin iliction day comes 'round th' on'y question ye'll ast + ye'ersilf is: 'Am I with Mack or am I with Billy Bryan?' An accordin'ly + ye'll vote.” + </p> + <p> + “'Tis always th' same way, an' all platforms is alike. I mind wanst whin I + was an alter-nate to th' county con-vintion—'twas whin I was a power + in pollytics an' th' on'y man that cud do annything with th' Bohemian vote—I + was settin' here wan night with a pen an' a pot iv ink befure me, thryin' + to compose th' platform f'r th' nex' day, f'r I was a lithry man in a way, + d'ye mind, an' I knew th' la-ads'd want a few crimps put in th' + raypublicans in a ginteel style, an' 'd be sure to call on me f'r to do + it. Well, I'd got as far down as th' tariff an' was thryin' f'r to express + me opinyon without swearin', whin who shud come in but Lafferty, that was + sicrety iv McMahon, that was th' Main Guy in thim days, but aftherward + thrun down on account iv him mixin' up between th' Rorkes an' th' Dorseys. + Th' Main Guy Down Town said he wudden't have no throuble in th' ward, an' + he declared McMahon out. McMahon had too much money annyhow. If he'd kept + on, dollar bills'd have been extinct outside iv his house. But he was a + sthrong man in thim days an' much liked.” + </p> + <p> + “Anyhow, Lafferty, that was his sicrety, come in, an' says he: 'What are + ye doin' there?' says he. 'Step soft,' says I; 'I am at wurruk,' I says. + 'Ye shudden't do lithry wurruk on an empty stomach,' says he. 'I do + nawthin' on an empty stomach but eat,' says I. 'I've had me supper,' I + says. 'Go 'way,' says I, 'till I finish th' platform,' I says. 'What's th' + platform?' says he.'F'r th' county con-vintion,' says I. + </p> + <p> + “Well, sir, he set down on a chair, an' I thought th' man was goin' to die + right there on the premises with laughter. 'Whin ye get through with ye'er + barkin',' says I, 'I'll throuble ye to tell me what ye may be doin' it + f'r,' I says. 'I see nawthin' amusin' here but ye'er prisince,' I says, + 'an' that's not a divvle iv a lot funnier than a wooden leg,' I says, f'r + I was mad. Afther awhile he come to, an' says he: 'Ye don't raally think,' + says he, 'that ye'll get a chanct to spring that platform,' he says. 'I + do,' says I. 'Why,' he says, 'the platform has been adopted,' he says. + 'Whin?' says I. 'Befure ye were born,' says he. 'In th' reign iv Bildad + th' first,' says he—he was a larned man, was Lafferty, though a + dhrinkin' man. All sicreties iv pollyticians not in office is dhrinkin' + men, Hinnissy. 'Ive got th' copy iv it here in me pocket,' he says. 'Th' + boss give it to me to bring it up to date,' he says. 'They was no sthrike + last year an' we've got to put a sthrike plank in th' platform or put th' + prisident iv th' Lumber Shovers' union on th' county board, an',' he says, + 'they ain't room,' he says. + </p> + <p> + “'Why,' says Lafferty, 'ye ought to know th' histhry iv platforms,' he + says. An' he give it to me, an' I'll give it to ye. Years ago, Hinnissy, + manny years ago, they was a race between th' dimmycrats an' th' + raypublicans f'r to see which shud have a choice iv principles. Th' + dimmycrats lost. I dinnaw why. Mebbe they stopped to take a dhrink. + Annyhow, they lost. Th' raypublicans come up an' they choose th' 'we + commind' principles, an' they was nawthin' left f'r the dimmycrats but th' + 'we denounce an' deplores.' I dinnaw how it come about, but th' dimmycrats + didn't like th' way th' thing shtud, an' so they fixed it up between thim + that whichiver won at th' iliction shud commind an' congratulate, an' thim + that lost shud denounce an' deplore. An' so it's been, on'y the dimmycrats + has had so little chanct f'r to do annything but denounce an' deplore that + they've almost lost th' use iv th' other wurruds. + </p> + <p> + “Mack sets back in Wash'nton an' writes a platform f'r th' comity on + risolutions to compose th' week afther. He's got a good job—forty-nine + ninety-two, sixty-six a month—an' 'tis up to him to feel good. 'I—I + mean we,' he says, 'congratulate th' counthry on th' matchless + statesmanship, on-shrinkin' courage, steady devotion to duty an' principle + iv that gallant an' hon'rable leader, mesilf,' he says to his sicrety. + 'Take that,' he says, 'an' elaborate it,' he says. 'Ye'll find a ditchnry + on th' shelf near the dure,' he says, 'if ye don't think I've put what I + give ye sthrong enough,' he says. 'I always was,' he says, 'too retirin' + f'r me own good,' he says. 'Spin out th' r-rest,' he says, 'to make about + six thousan' wurruds,' he says, 'but be sure don't write annything too hot + about th' Boer war or th' Ph'lippeens or Chiny, or th' tariff, or th' + goold question, or our relations with England, or th' civil sarvice,' he + says. 'Tis a foolish man,' he says, 'that throws a hunk iv coal fr'm his + own window at th' dhriver iv a brick wagon,' he says.” + </p> + <p> + “But with Billy Bryan 'tis diff'rent. He's out in Lincoln, Neebrasky, far + fr'm home, an' he says to himsilf: 'Me throat is hoarse, an' I'll exercise + me other fac'lties,' he says. 'I'll write a platform,' he says. An' he + sets down to a typewriter, an' denounces an' deplores till th' hired man + blows th' dinner horn. Whin he can denounce an' deplore no longer he views + with alarm an' declares with indignation. An' he sinds it down to Kansas + City, where th' cot beds come fr'm.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, ye're always pitchin' into some wan,” said Mr. Hennessy. “I bet ye + Willum Jennings Bryan niver see th' platform befure it wint in. He's too + good a man.” + </p> + <p> + “He is all iv that,” said Mr. Dooley. “But ye bet he knows th' rale + platform f'r him is: 'Look at th' bad breaks Mack's made,' an' Mack's + platform is: 'Ye'd get worse if ye had Billy Bryan.' An' it depinds on + whether most iv th' voters ar-re tired out or on'y a little tired who's + ilicted. All excipt you, Hinnissy. Ye'll vote f'r Bryan?” + </p> + <p> + “I will,” said Mr. Hennessy. + </p> + <p> + “Well,” said Mr. Dooley, “d'ye know, I suspicted ye might.” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0014" id="link2H_4_0014"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE YACHT RACES + </h2> + <p> + “In th' ol' times whin I was a yachtsman—” began Mr. Dooley. + </p> + <p> + “Scowman,” said Mr. Hennessy. + </p> + <p> + “Yachtsman,” said Mr. Dooley. “Whin I was a yachtsman, all a man needed to + race was a flat-bottomed boat, an umbrella, an' a long dhrink. In thim + days 'twas 'Up with th' mainsail an' out with th' jib, an' Cap'n Jawn + first to th' Lake View pumpin' station f'r th' see-gars.' Now 'tis 'Ho, + f'r a yacht race. Lave us go an' see our lawyers.' 'Tis 'Haul away on th' + writ iv ne exeat,' an' 'Let go th' peak capias.' 'Tis 'Pipe all hands to + th' Supreme Coort.' 'Tis 'A life on th' boundin' docket an' a home on th' + rowlin' calendar.' Befure we die, Sir Lipton'll come over here f'r that + Cup again an' we'll bate him be gettin' out an overnight injunction. + What's th' use iv buildin' a boat that's lible to tip an' spill us all + into th' wet? Turn th' matther over to th' firm iv Wiggins, Schultz, + O'Mally, Eckstein, Wopoppski, Billotti, Gomez, Olson, an' McPherson, an' + lave us have th' law on him.” + </p> + <p> + “I don't suppose, Hinnissy, I ought to be gettin' off me little jokes on a + seeryous matther like this. What's it all about, says ye? Well, ye see, + 'tis this way. Wanst befure th' war some la-ad fr'm this counthry took a + boat acrost th' Atlantic an' run it again an English boat an' iv coorse, + he won, not bein' tied to th' dock, an' they give him a Cup. I don't know + why they give him a cup, but they give him a cup. He brought it back here + an' handed it to a yacht club, which is an assocyation, Hinnissy, iv + mimbers iv th' Bar. He says: 'Ye keep that cup on ye'er mantle-piece an' + if e'er an Englishman wants it, don't ye give it to him.' Afther awhile, + an Englishman that ownded a boat come afther th' cup, an 'twas lave go + altogether, an' th' las' man to th' line knows what he is. He's an + Englishman, iv coorse. That was all r-right too. But th' time come whin + th' lagal pro-fission took a hand in th' game. 'Look here,' says they. + 'Ye've vilated nearly all th' statues iv th' State iv Noo Jarsey already,' + they says, 'an' if ye ain't careful, ye'll be hauled up f'r contimpt iv + coort,' they says. So they took th' matther in hand an' dhrew up th' + r-right pa-apers. 'State iv Noo York, county iv Cook, s. s. Know all men + be these prisints. To all magisthrates an' polis officers, greetin.' In re + Sir Lipton again th' Cup. Ordhered that if Sir Lipton shall secure said + Cup fr'm aforesaid (which he won't) he must build a boat as follows: Wan + hundherd an' twinty chest, fifty-four waist, hip an' side pockets, + carryin' three hundherd an' sixty-three thousan' cubic feet iv canvas; th' + basement iv th' boat to be papered in green with yellow flowered dado, + open plumbin', steam heat throughout, th' tinant to pay f'r all repairs. + Be means iv this infernal machine, if enable to kill off th' rile fam'ly, + he will attimpt to cross th' stormy Atlantic, an' if successful, will + arrive at th' risidince iv th' party of th' first part, said John Doe. + Wanst there, he will consult with mimbers iv th' Noo York Bar Association, + who will lead him to a firm iv competent expert accountants, who will give + him his time, which is two minyits measured be th' invarse ratio iv th' + distance fr'm th' binnacle to th' cook-stove, an' fr'm th' cook-stove, + east be north to th' bowspirit. He will thin take his foolish boat down + th' bay, an' if he keeps his health, he can rayturn to th' grocery + business, f'r he's a jolly good fellow which nobody can deny.' + </p> + <p> + “Ye can see this, Hinnissy, that yachtin' has become wan iv thl larned + pro-fissions. 'Tis that that got th' la-ad fr'm Boston into it. They's a + jolly Jack Tar f'r ye. In dhrawin' up a lease or framin' a bond, no more + gallant sailor rides th' waves thin hearty Jack Larsen iv th' Amalgamated + Copper Yacht Club. 'What ho?' says he. 'If we're goin' to have a race,' he + says, 'shiver me timbers if I don't look up th' law,' he says. So he + become a yachtsman. 'But,' says th' Noo York la-ads, thim that has th' Cup + on their mantel-piece, 'Ye can race on'y on two conditions.' 'What ar-re + they?' says Larsen. 'Th' first is that ye become a mimber iv our club.' + 'With pleasure,' says he. 'Ye can't,' says they. 'An' havin' complied with + this first condition, ye must give us ye'er boat,' says they. 'We don't + want it,' they says. 'Th' terms suit me entirely,' says Cap. Larsen. 'I'm + a simple sailor man an' I'll give ye me boat undher th' following + conditions,' he says. 'First, that ye won't take it; second, that ye'll + paint me name on th' side iv it in red letters, three feet high; third, + that ye'll inthra-jooce me to th' Prince iv Wales; foorth, that I'll sail + it mesilf. Nawthin',' he says, 'wud give me gr-reater pleasure thin to + have me handsome an' expinsive raft in th' hands iv men who I wud + considher it an honor to know,' he says. 'An' so,' he says, 'I'll on'y ask + ye to sign a bond an' lave a small security, say about five hundherd + thousan' dollars, in me hands in case anny paint shud be knocked off me + boat,' he says. 'Yachtin' is a gintleman's spoort,' he says, 'an' in + dalin' with gintlemen,' he says, 'ye can't be too careful,' he says.” + </p> + <p> + “What's Sir Lipton doin' all this time?” asked Mr. Hennessy. + </p> + <p> + “He's preparin' his bond, makin' his will, an' goin' through th' other + lagal preliminaries iv th' race. He's built a boat too. Th' King of + England was aboord iv her, an' he was near killed, be havin' a mast fall + on him. Th' Lord knows how he escaped. A mass iv steel weighin' a hundherd + thousan' ton fell on his Majesty an' bounced off. Sir Lipton felt pretty + bad about it. He didn't mind losin' a mast or two, but he didn't want + annywan to know he had th' king aboord. 'Twud hurt business. 'Boys,' says + he to th' rayporthers, 'th' King's on me yacht. D'ye hear me? Th' King's + on me yacht. But don't say annything about it. I don't want to have it + known. Don't print it onless ye have to, an' thin put it in an + inconspicuous place, like th' first page. He's here sure enough, boys. Th' + mast just fell on his Majesty. It nearly kilt him. I'm not sure it didn't + kill him. He remained perfectly cool throughout. So did I. I was almost + cold. So did both iv us. But, mind not a wurrud iv this in th' pa-apers.' + I don't know how th' rayporthers got hold iv it. But they're a pryin' + lot.” + </p> + <p> + “How did th' mast come to fall?” asked Mr. Hennessy, eagerly. “D'ye + suppose Sir Lipton is wan iv us?” + </p> + <p> + “S-sh,” said Mr. Dooley, adding, softly, “he was bor-rn in Limerick.” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0015" id="link2H_4_0015"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + POLYGAMY + </h2> + <p> + “How manny wives has this here man Roberts that's thryin' to break into + Congress?” Mr. Dooley asked. + </p> + <p> + “I dinnaw,” said Mr. Hennessy; “I nivver heerd iv him.” + </p> + <p> + “I think it's three,” said Mr. Dooley. “No wondher he needs wurruk an' is + fightin' hard f'r th' job. I'm with him too, be hivens. Not that I'm be + taste or inclination a marryin' man, Hinnissy. They may get me to th' + altar some day. Th' best iv us falls, like Cousin George, an' there ar-re + designin' women in this very block that I have me own throubles in + dodgin'. But anny time ye hear iv me bein' dhrawn fr'm th' quite miseries + an' exclusive discomforts iv single life ye may know that they have caught + me asleep an' chloroformed me. It's thrue. But f'r thim that likes it, + it's all r-right, an' if a man's done something in his youth that he has + to do pinance f'r an' th' stations iv th' cross ain't sthrong enough, lave + him, says I, marry as manny women as he wants an' live with them an' die + contint. Th' Mormons thinks they ar-re commanded be the Lord f'r to marry + all th' ineligeable Swede women. Now, I don't believe th' Lord iver + commanded even a Mormon f'r to do annything so foolish, an' if he did he + wudden't lave th' command written on a pie-plate an' burrid out there at + Nauvoo, in Hancock county, Illinye. Ye can bet on that, Hinnissy.” + </p> + <p> + “But if anny wan believes 'twas done, I say, lave him believe it an' lave + him clasp to his bosom as manny Olesons as 'll have him. Sure in th' + prisint state iv th' mathrimonyal market, as Hogan calls it, whin he goes + down to coort th' rich Widow O'Brien, th' la-ad that wants to engage in + interprises iv that sort ought to have a frind in ivry wan but th' men + that keeps imploymint agencies. + </p> + <p> + “But no. Th' minyit a Mormon thries to break into a pollytical job, a + dillygation rises an' says they: 'What!' they says, 'permit this polluted + monsther f'r to invade th' chaste atmosphere,' they says, 'iv th' house iv + riprisintatives,' they says. 'Permit him f'r to parade his fam'ly down + Pinnsylvanya Av'noo an' block thraffic,' they says. 'Permit him mebbe to + set in th' chair wanst occypied be th' laminted Breckinridge,' they says. + An' they proceed f'r to hunt th' poor, crowded man. An' he takes a day off + to kiss his wife fr'm house to house, an' holds a meetin' iv his childher + to bid thim good-by an' r-runs to hide in a cave till th' dillygation + raymimbers that they have husbands iv their own an' goes home to cook th' + supper. + </p> + <p> + “A Mormon, Hinnissy, is a man that has th' bad taste an' th' rellijion to + do what a good manny other men ar-re restrained fr'm doin' be + conscientious scruples an' th' polis. I don't want anny wife; ye, + Hinnissy, ar-re satisfied, not to say con-tint, with wan; another la-ad + feels that he'd be lonesome without tin. 'Tis a matther iv disposition. If + iver I got started th' Lord on'y knows where I'd bring up. I might be like + me frind an' fellow-sultan, Hadji Mohammed. Hadji has wives to burn, an' + wanst in awhile he bur-rns wan. He has a betther job thin Congressman.” + </p> + <p> + “Th' best a congressman can get is foorth-class postmasther an' a look in + at th' White House on visitin' day. But Hadji, th' pop'lar an' iloquent + sultan iv Sulu an' Bazeen iv th' Ohio iv th' Passyfic, owns his own palace + an' disthributes his own jobs. No man can hold th' office iv bow-sthringer + iv our impeeryal domain without a certy-ficate fr'm Hadji. From th' + highest office in th' land to th' lowest, fr'm th' chief pizener to th' + throne, to th' humblest ixicutioner that puts a lady in a bag an' dumps + her into th' lake in th' Nine Millionth Assimbly district they look to + Hadji Mohammed f'r their places. He is th' High Guy, th' Main Thing. He's + ivrybody. When he quits wurrk th' governmint is over f'r th' day. An' does + annywan thry to interfere with Hadji? Does annywan say 'Hadji, ye'll have + to abandon two or three hundherd iv ye 'er firesides. Ye ar-re livin' jus' + inside th' left field fince iv our domain an' 'tis a rule iv th' game that + we've taken ye into that no wan shall have more thin wan wife at a time + that annywan knows iv. In' behalf iv th' comity iv th' Society f'r th' + Supprission iv Poly-gamy, I request ye to discard Nora an' Eileen an' Mary + Ann an' Sue an' Bimbi an' th' r-rest iv th' bunch, an' cleave on'y to + Lucille. I judge be her looks that she's th' first Missus Haitch.' + </p> + <p> + “No, sir. If he did he'd reach th' ship that runs between our outlying + wards without a hair to his head. Instead iv reproachin' Hadji with his + domestic habits, wan iv th' envoys that ar-re imployed in carryin' + messages fr'm th' prisidint to his fellow-citizens, proceeds to th' pretty + little American village iv Sulu, where he finds Hadji settin' up on a high + chair surrounded be wives. 'Tis a domestic scene that'd make Brigham Young + think he was a bachelor. Hadji is smokin' a good seegar an' occasionally + histin' a dhrink iv cider, an' wan iv th' ladies is playin' a guitar, an' + another is singin' 'I want ye my Sulu,' an' another is makin' a tidy, an' + three or four hundred more ar-re sewin' patches on th' pants iv th' Hadji + kids. An' th' ambassadure he says: 'Mos' rile an' luminous citizen, here + is a copy iv th' Annual Thanksgivin' pro-clamation,' he says. 'Tis + addhressed to all th' hearty husbandmen iv our belovid counthry, manin' + you among others,' he says. 'An' here,' he says, 'is th' revised + constitution,' he says. 'Th' original wan,' he says, 'was intinded f'r ol' + stick-in-th'-muds that wudden't know th' difference between a harem an' a + hoe,' he says. 'This wan,' he says, 'is more suited f'r th' prisint gay + an' expansive times,' he says. 'It permits a man to cleave to as manny + wives,' he says, 'as his race, color, an' prevyous condition iv servitude + will permit,' he says. 'Thank ye kindly,' says Hadji, 'I'll threasure + these here papers as a vallyable meminto fr'm that far distant home iv + mine which I have niver see,' he says. 'I'd inthrojooce ye to Mrs. Hadji + wan by wan,' he says, 'but 'twud be betther,' he says, 'f'r to stand up + here an' be prisinted to her as a whole,' he says, 'f'r,' he says, ''tis + growing late an' I want ye to come up to th' house,' he says, 'an' pick a + mission'ry with me,' he says. 'A Baptist,' he says, 'raised on th' farm,' + he says. An' Hadji holds his job an' looks for'rard to th' day whin we'll + have female suffrage an' he can cast th' solid vote iv Sulu for himsilf + f'r prisident.” + </p> + <p> + “Thin,” said Mr. Hennessy, “ye'er frind Roberts ought to move to + what-d'ye-call-th' place.” + </p> + <p> + “That's what I'm thinkin',” said Mr. Dooley. “But 'tis too bad f'r him he + was bor-rn at home.” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0016" id="link2H_4_0016"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + PUBLIC FICKLENESS + </h2> + <p> + Mr. Dooley put his paper aside and pushed his spectacles up on his + forehead. “Well,” he said, “I suppose, afther all, we're th' mos' lively + nation in th' wurruld. It doesn't seem many months ago since ye, Hinnissy, + was down at th' depot cheerin' th' departin' heroes——” + </p> + <p> + “I niver was,” said Mr. Hennessey. “I stayed at home.” + </p> + <p> + “Since ye was down cheerin' th' departin' heroes,” Mr. Dooley continued, + “an' thryin' to collect what they owed ye. Th' papers was full iv news iv + th' war. Private Jawn Thomas Bozoom iv Woonsocket, a mimber iv th' gallant + an' devoted Wan Hundhred an' Eighth Rhode Island, accidentally slipped on + a orange peel while attimptin' to lave th' recruitin' office an' sustained + manny con-tu-sions. He rayfused to be taken home an' insisted on jinin' + his rig'mint at th' rayciption in th' fair groun's. Gallant Private + Bozoom! That's th' stuff that American heroes ar-re made iv. Ye find thim + at th' forge an' at th' plough, an' dhrivin' sthreet cars, an' ridin' in + th' same. The favored few has th' chanst to face th' bullets iv th'inimy. + 'Tis f'r these unknown pathrites to prove that a man can sarve his + counthry at home as well as abroad. Private Bozoom will not be f'rgot be + his fellow-counthrymen. A rayciption has been arranged f'r him at th' + Woonsocket op'ry-house, an' 'tis said if he will accipt it, th' vote iv + th' State iv Rhode Island'll be cast f'r him f'r prisidint. 'Tis at such + times as this that we reflict that th' wurruld has wurruk f'r men to do, + an' mere politicians mus' retire to th' rear.” + </p> + <p> + “That was a few months ago. Where's Bozoom now? If iver ye go to + Woonsocket, Hinnissy, which Gawd f'rbid, ye'll find him behind th' + counther iv th' grocery store ladlin' out rutabaga turnips into a brown + paper cornucopy an' glad to be alive. An' 'tis tin to wan, an' more thin + that, that th' town humorist has named him th' orange-peel hero, an' he'll + go to his grave with that name. Th' war is over an' th' state iv war + exists. If ye saw a man fall fr'm th' top iv a tin-story buildin' 'twud + startle ye, wanst. If it happened again, 'twud surprise ye. But if ye saw + a man fall ivry fifteen minyits ye'd go home afther awhile f'r supper an' + ye wuddent even mintion it to ye'er wife.” + </p> + <p> + “I don't know how manny heroes they ar-re in th' Philippeens. Down there a + man is ayether a sojer or a casualty. Bein' a casualty is no good. I cud + say about a man: 'He was a hero in th' war with Spain,' but how can I say: + 'Shake hands with Bill Grady, wan iv th' ladin' casualties iv our late + war?' 'Twud be no more thin to say he was wan iv th' gallant men that + voted f'r prisidint in 1896.'” + </p> + <p> + {Illustration} + </p> + <p> + “No, Hinnissy, people wants novelties in war. Th' war fashions iv 1898 is + out iv style. They ar-re too full in th' waist an' too long in th' skirt. + Th' style has changed. There ar-re fifty thousand backward men in th' fair + isles iv th' Passyfic fightin' to free th' Philippeen fr'm himsilf an' + becomin' a casualty in th' operation, but no one is charterin' ar-rmy + hospital ships f'r thim.” + </p> + <p> + “No one is convartin' anny steam yachts f'r thim. No wan is sindin' eighty + tons iv plum puddin' to complete th' wurruk iv destruction. They ar-re in + a war that'd make th' British throops in Africa think they were drillin' + f'r a prize banner. But'tis an onfashionable war.' 'Tis an ol' war made + over fr'm garments formerly worn be heroes. Whin a man is out in th' + counthry with wan newspaper an' has read th' authentic dispatches fr'm + Ladysmith an' Harrismith an' Willumaldensmith an' Mysteriousbillysmith an' + the meetin' iv th' czar iv Rooshia with th' Impror Willum an' th' fire in + th' packin' house an' th' report iv th' canal thrustees an' th' fightin' + news an' th' want ads, an' afther he has r-read thim over twinty times he + looks at his watch an' says he, 'Holy smoke, 'tis two hours to thrain time + an' I suppose I'll have to r-read th' news fr'm th' Philippeens.' War, be + hivins, is so common that I believe if we was to take on a fight with all + th' wurruld not more thin half th' popylation iv New England'd die iv + hear-rt disease befure they got into th' cellars.” + </p> + <p> + “Th' new style iv war is made in London an' all our set is simply stuck on + it. Th' casualties in th' Philippeens can walk home, but is it possible + that many thrue an' well-dhressed American can stand to see th' signs iv + th' ancient British aristocracy taken care iv be their own gover'mint? + 'What,' says Lady what's-her-name (her that was th' daughter iv wan iv our + bravest an' best racontoors). 'What.' she says, 'will anny American woman + residin' in London see men shot down,' she says, 'that has but recently + played polo in our very sight,' she says, 'an' be brought home in mere + thransports,' she says. 'Ladies,' she says, 'lave us equip a hospital + ship,' she says. 'I thrust,' she says, 'that all iv us has been long + enough fr'm home to f'rget our despicable domestic struggles,' she says, + 'an' think on'y iv humanity,' she says. An' whin she opens up th' shop f'r + subscriptions ye'd think fr'm th' crowd that 'twas th' first night iv th' + horse show. I don't know what Lem Stiggins iv Kansas, marked down in th' + roll, Private in th' Twintieth Kansas, Severely, I don't know what Private + Severely thinks iv it. An' I wuddent like to know till afther + Thanks-givin'.” + </p> + <p> + “Don't be blatherin',” said Mr. Hennessy. “Sure ye can't ixpict people to + be inthrested f'river in a first performance.” + </p> + <p> + “No,” said Mr. Dooley, “but whin th' audjeence gives th' comp'ny an encore + it ought at laste to pretind that it's not lavin' f'r th' other show.” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0017" id="link2H_4_0017"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + KENTUCKY POLITICS + </h2> + <p> + “If th' Presidint doesn't step in an' interfere,” said Mr. Hennessy, + “they'll be bloodshed in Kentucky.” + </p> + <p> + “What business is it iv Mack's?” Mr. Dooley protested. “Th' war's in this + counthry, man alive! If 'twas in Boolgahria or Chiny or on th' head waters + iv th' Bozoon river in th' sooltynate iv—iv—I dinnaw what—thin'twud + be th' jooty iv our gover'mint f'r to resolve that th' inthrests iv + humanity an' civilization an' th' advancement iv th' human kind required + that we shud step in an' put a head on wan or both iv th' parties. But + they'se no reason now, me boy, f'r us to do annything, f'r these are our + own people, an' 'tis wan iv their rights, undher th' martial law that's + th' foundation iv our institutions, to bate each other to death whiniver + an' whereiver they plaze. 'Twud be all r-right f'r the Impror Willum to + come in an' take a hand, but Gawd help him if he did, or th' Prsidint iv + th' Fr-rinch or th' Impror iv Chiny. 'Twud be all r-right f'r thim. An' + though we might meet thim at th' dure an' hand thim wan f'r their + impydince, we'd be in th' wrong. Twud be a good job f'r Aggynaldoo, too, + if he cud find himsilf an' had th' time It must be clear to him be what + news he hears whin th' other pigrim father, Sinitor Hoar, calls on him in + th' three where he makes his home, that what Kentucky needs now is wan an' + on'y wan stable govermint an' a little public peace. He might restore + peace at home an' abroad be cuttin' in, but th' poor la-ad has other + things to think iv. I'd like to see him. It must be near a year since he + had a shave or a hair cut, barrin' ridges made be bullets as he cleared + th' fences.” + </p> + <p> + “It looks to me as though th' raypublican is wr-rong,” said Mr. Hennessy, + with the judicial manner of a man without prejudices. + </p> + <p> + “Iv coorse he's wrong,” said Mr. Dooley. “He starts wrong. An' th' + dimmycrats ar-re r-right. They're always r-right. Tis their position. Th' + dimmycrats ar-re right an' the raypublicans has th' jobs. It all come up + because our vinerated party, Hinnissy, ain't quick at th' count. Man an' + boy I've taken an intherest in politics all me life, an' I find th' on'y + way to win an iliction is to begin f'r to count th' minyit ye've completed + th' preliminaries iv closin' th' polls an' killin' th' other judges an' + clerks. + </p> + <p> + “Th' dimmycrats counted, but th' count come too late. Be th' time th' + apparent an' hidjous majority iv th' raypublicans was rayjooced to + nawthin' an' a good liberal, substantial, legal an' riotous dimmycratic + majority put in its place be ordher iv th' coorts, th' commonwealth iv + Kentucky an' Jack Chinn, th' raypublican has been so long in th'job an' + has become so wedded to it that ye cuddent shake him out with a can iv + joynt powdher. It seems to him that there niver was a time whin he wasn't + gov'nor.” + </p> + <p> + {Illustration} + </p> + <p> + “Th' dimmycrats get together an' call on that learned an' incorruptible + joodishary that's done so much to ilivate the party into high office, an' + whin th' dure iv th' saloon is locked they say 'Bill,' they say, 'we're + bein' robbed iv our suffrage,' says they. 'Th' hated enimy has stolen th' + ballot an' thrampled on th' r-rights iv th' citizens,' says they, 'in the + southern part iv th' state faster thin we cud undo their hellish wurruk in + our own counties,' they says. 'They now hol' th' jobs,' they say, 'an' if + they stay in they'se no more chanst iv iver ilictin' a dimmycrat again + thin there wud be iv ilictin' a raypublican if we got in,' they say. 'Do + ye mix us up a replevy writ an' we'll go over an' haul th' chair fr'm + undher thim,' they say.” + </p> + <p> + “So th' judge passes out a replevy writ be vartue iv th' thrust that's + been reposed in him be th' comity and gives it to Colonel Jack Chinn, wan + iv th' leaders iv th' Kentucky bar, f'r to serve. An' Colonel Jack Chinn + ar-rms himsilf as becomes a riprisintative iv a gr-reat coort goin' to + sarve a sacred writ iv replevy on th' usurper to th' loftiest or wan iv + th' loftiest jobs that th' people iv a gloryous state can donate to a + citizen. He sthraps on three gatlin' guns, four revolvers, two swords, a + rifle, a shot gun, a baseball bat, a hand grenade (to be used on'y in case + iv thirst), a pair iv handcuffs, brass knuckles, a sandbag, a piece of + lead pipe in a stockin', a rabbit's foot f'r luck, a stove lid an' a can + iv dinnymite, an' with siveral iv his cillybrated knives behind his ears, + in his hair, between his teeth, an' gleamin' fr'm his pockets, he sallies + forth on his sacred mission, an' gives th' writ to a clerk to sarve, an' + stays in town himsilf, where he successfully resists all charges iv th' + bartinder. Th' clerk goes up to th' state house, where th' gov'nor is + ixicutin' th' high thrust reposed in him be himsilf, behind breastworks + an' guarded be some iv th' most desp'rate an' pathriotic ruffyans in th' + state. 'What have ye there?' says his ixcillincy, with his hand on th' + sthring iv a dinnymite gun. 'A writ fr'm th' coort bouncin' ye fr'm ye'er + high office,' says th' clerk. 'As a law abidin' citizen,' says his + ixcillincy, 'an' an official enthrusted be th' people iv this glad state + with th' exicution iv th' statutes I bow to th' law,' he says. 'But,' he + says, 'I'll be hanged if I'll bow to th' decree iv anny low browed + pussillanimous dimmycratic coort,' he says, 'Sojers,' he says, 'seize this + disturber iv th' peace an' stick him in th' cellar. Jawn,' he says, 'ar-rm + ye'ersilf an' proceed to th' raypublican timple iv justice in Hogan's + saloon an' have th' stanch an' upright Judge Blood prepare some good + honest writs iv th' party iv Lincoln an' Grant,' he says. 'In th' + manetime, as th' constitootion has lost its sights an' the cylinder don't + revolve,' he says, 'I suspind it an' proclaim martial law,' he says. 'I + want a law,' he says, 'that mesilf an' all other good citizens can + rayspict,' he says. 'I want wan,' he says, 'that's been made undher me own + personal supervision,' he says. 'Hand-made, copper distilled, wan + hun-dherd an' tin proof martial law ought to be good enough for anny + Kentuckyan,' he says. So th' next ye hear th' sojers ar-re chasin' th' + coorts out iv th' state, th' legislature is meetin' in Duluth, Pinsacola, + an' Bangor, Maine, an' a comity iv citizens consistin' iv some iv the best + gun fighters iv th' state ar-re meetin' to decide how th' conthroversay + can be decided without loss iv blood or jobs. While they're in session th' + gov'nor is in contimpt iv coort, the coorts ar-re in contimpt iv th' + gov'nor, an' if annybody but Tiddy Rosenfclt has anny other feelin' f'r + ayether iv thim I haven't heerd him speak.” + </p> + <p> + “They ought to fire out the raypublican,” said Mr. Hennessy. “Sure 'tis + comin' to a nice state iv affairs whin th' likes iv him can defy the + coorts.” + </p> + <p> + “Thrue f'r ye,” said Mr. Dooley. “But I don't like th' looks iv it fr'm + our side iv th' house. Whiniver a dimmycrat has to go to coort to win an + iliction I get suspicious. They'se something wr-rong in Kentucky, + Hinnissy. We were too slow. Th' inimy got th' first cheat.” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0018" id="link2H_4_0018"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + YOUNG ORATORY + </h2> + <p> + “They'se wan thing that this counthry ought to be thankful f'r,” said Mr. + Dooley, laying down his paper, “an' that is that we still have a lot iv + young an' growin' orators f'r to lead us on.” + </p> + <p> + “Who's been oratin' now?” Mr. Hennessy asked. + </p> + <p> + “Me young frind Sinitor Beveridge, th' child orator iv Fall Creek. This + engagin' an' hopeful la-ad first made an impression with his eloquince at + th' age iv wan whin he addhressed a meetin' iv th' Tippecanoe club on th' + issues iv th' day. At th' age iv eight he was illicted to th' United + States Sinit, rayjoocin' th' average age iv that body to ninety-three + years. In th' sinit, bein' a modest child, he rayfused to speak f'r five + minyits, but was fin'lly injooced f'r to make a few thousan' remarks on + wan iv th' subjects now much discussed by orators whin th' dures ar-re + closed an' th' fire escapes broken.” + </p> + <p> + “His subject was th' Ph'lippeens, an' he said he'd just come fr'm there. + 'I have cruised,' he says, 'f 'r two thousan' miles through th' Ar-rchey + Pelago—that's a funny name—ivry minyit a surprise an' delight + to those that see me,' he says. 'I see corn growin' on banana threes; I + see th' gloryous heights iv Ding Dong that ar-re irradyatin'. civilization + like quills upon th' fretful porcypine,' he says. 'I see rice, coffee, + rolls, cocoanuts, choice seegars, oats, hay, hard and soft coal, an' + Gen'ral Otis—an' there's a man that I rayspict,' he says. 'I see + flowers bloomin' that was superyor to anny conservatory in Poolasky + county,' he says. 'I see th' low and vicious inhabitants iv th' counthry + soon, I thrust, to be me fellow-citizens, an' as I set there an' watched + th' sea rollin' up its uncounted millyons iv feet iv blue wather, an' th' + stars sparklin' like lamp-posts we pass in th' night, as I see th' + mountains raisin' their snow-capped heads f'r to salute th' sun, while + their feet extinded almost to th' place where I shtud; whin I see all th' + glories iv that almost, I may say, thropical clime, an' thought what a + good place this wud be f'r to ship base-burnin' parlor stoves, an' men's + shirtings to th' accursed natives iv neighborin' Chiny, I says to mesilf, + 'This is no mere man's wurruk. A Higher Power even than Mack, much as I + rayspict him, is in this here job. We cannot pause, we cannot hesitate, we + cannot delay, we cannot even stop! We must, in other wurruds, go on with a + holy purpose in our hearts, th' flag over our heads an' th' inspired + wurruds iv A. Jeremiah Beveridge in our ears,' he says. An' he set down.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, sir, 'twas a gr-reat speech. 'Twas a speech ye cud waltz to. Even + younger men thin Sinitor Beveridge had niver made grander orations. Th' + throuble is th' sinit is too common f'r such magnificent sintimints; its + too common and its too old. Th' young la-ad comes fr'm home, where's he's + paralyzed th' Lithry Society an' th' Debatin' Club, an' he loads himsilf + up with a speech an' he says to himsilf: 'Whin I begin peggin' ar-round a + few iv these vilets I'll make Ol' Hoar look like confederate money,' an' + th' pa-apers tell that th' Infant Demostheens iv Barry's Junction is about + f'r to revive th oratorical thraditions iv th' sinit an' th' fire + department comes up f'r a week, an' wets down th' capitol buildin'. Th' + speech comes off, they ain't a dhry eye in th' House, an' th' pa-apers + say: 'Where's ye'er Dan'l Webster an' ye'er Champ Clark, now?' An' th' + young man goes away an' has his pitchers took on a kinetoscope. He has a + nice time while it lasts, Hinnissy, but it don't las' long. It don't las' + long. Th' la-ad has th' wind, but it's endurance that counts.” + </p> + <p> + “Th' wise ol' boys with their long whiskers discusses him over th' + sivin-up game, an' says wan iv thim: 'What ye think iv th' kid's speech?' + ''Twas a good speech,' says th' other. 'It carries me back to me own + boyhood days. I made a speech just like that durin' th' Mexican War. Oh, + thim days, thim days! I lead th' ace, Mike.' An' afther awhile th' Boy + Demostheens larns that while he's polishin' off his ipigrams, an' ol' guy, + that spinds all his time sleepin' on a bench, is polishin' him off. Th' + man that sinds seeds to his constitooents lasts longer thin th' wan that + sinds thim flowers iv iloquence, an' though th' hand iv Gawd may be in th' + Ph'lippeen question, it hasn't interfered up to date in th' + sergeant-at-arms question. An' whin th' young man sees this he says, + 'sky,' whin he means 'sky' an' not 'th' jooled canopy iv hiven,' an' he + says, 'Ph'lippeens,' an' not 'th' gloryous isles iv th' Passyfic,' an' + bein' onto th' character iv his fellow-sinitors, he mintions nobody higher + in their prisence thin th' steward iv th' capitol. An' he niver makes a + speech but whin he wants to smoke, an' thin he moves that th' sinit go + into executive session. Thin he's a rale sinitor. I've seen it manny's th' + time—th' boy orator goin' into th' sinit, an' comin' out a deef + mute. I've seen a man that made speeches that was set to music an' played + be a silver cornet band in Ioway that hadn't been in Congress f'r a month + befure he wudden't speak above a whisper or more thin an inch fr'm ye'er + ear.” + </p> + <p> + “Do ye think Hiven sint us to th' Ph'lippeens?” Mr. Hennessy asked. + </p> + <p> + “I don't know,” said Mr. Dooley, “th' divvle take thim.” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0019" id="link2H_4_0019"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + PUBLIC GRATITUDE + </h2> + <p> + “This man Dewey—,” began Mr. Dooley. + </p> + <p> + “I thought he was ye'er cousin George,” Mr. Hennessy interrupted. + </p> + <p> + “I thought he was,” said Mr. Dooley, “but on lookin' closer at his + features an' r-readin' what th' pa-apers says about him, I am convinced + that I was wrong. Oh, he may be a sicond cousin iv me Aunt Judy. I'll not + say he ain't. There was a poor lot, all iv them. But I have no close + rilitives in this counthry. 'Tis a way I have of savin' a little money. + I'm like th' good an' gr-rateful American people. Th' further ye stay away + fr'm thim th' more they like ye. Sicond-cousin-iv-me Aunt-Judy-George made + a mistake comin' home, or if he did come home he ought've invistigated his + welcome and see that it wasn't mined. A man cud stand up all day an' lave + Packy Mountjoy whale away at him, but th' affiction iv th' American people + is always aimed thrue an' is invaryably fatal.” + </p> + <p> + “Th' la-ad Dougherty was in to-day, an' he exprissed th' feelin's iv this + grateful raypublic. He says, says he, 'This fellow Dewey ain't what I + thought he was,' he says. 'I thought he was a good, broad, lib'ral man, + an' it turns out he's a cheap skate,' he says. 'We made too much fuss over + him,' he says. 'To think,' he says, 'iv him takin' th' house we give him + an' tur-rnin' it over to his wife,' he says. ''Tis scand'lous,' he says. + 'How much did ye con-thribute?' says I. 'I didn't give annything,' he says + 'The collector didn't come around, an' I'm glad now I hung on to me coin,' + he says. 'Well,' says I, 'I apprechate ye'er feelin's,' I says. 'Ye agree + with th' other subscribers,' I says. 'But I've med up me mind not to lave + annywan talk to me about Dewey,' I says, 'unless,' I says, 'he subscribed + th' maximum amount iv th' subscription,' I says, 'thirty-eight cints,' I + says. 'So I'll thank ye to tip-toe out,' I says, 'befure I give ye a + correct imitation iv Dewey an' Mountjoy at th' battle of Manila,' I says. + An' he wint away.” + </p> + <p> + “Th' throuble with Dewey is he was so long away he lost his undherstanding + iv th' thrue feelin' iv th' American people. George r-read th' newspapers, + an' he says to himself: 'Be hivins, they think well iv what I done. I + guess I'll put a shirt in me thrunk an' go home, f'r 'tis hot out here, + an' ivrybody'll be glad f'r to see me,' he says. An' he come along, an' + New York was r-ready f'r him. Th' business in neckties had been poor that + summer, an' they was necessity f'r pullin' it together, an' they give + George a welcome an' invited his admirers fr'm th' counthry to come in an' + buy something f'r th' little wans at home. An' he r-rode up Fifth Avnoo + between smilin' rows iv hotels an' dhrug stores, an' tin-dollar boxes an' + fifty-cint seats an' he says to himsilf: 'Holy smoke, if Aggynaldoo cud + on'y see me now.' An' he was proud an' happy, an' he says: 'Raypublics + ar-re not always ongrateful.' An' they ain't. On'y whin they give ye much + gratichood ye want to freeze some iv it, or it won't keep.” + </p> + <p> + “'Tis unsafe f'r anny man alive to receive th' kind wurruds that ought to + be said on'y iv th' dead. As long as George was a lithograph iv himsilf in + a saloon window he was all r-right. Whin people saw he cud set in a city + hall hack without flowers growin' in it an' they cud look at him without + smoked glasses they begin to weaken in their devotion. 'Twud've been th' + same, almost, if he'd married a Presbyteeryan an' hadn't deeded his house + to his wife. 'Dewey don't look much like a hero,' says wan man. 'I shud + say not,' says another. 'He looks like annybody else.' 'He ain't a hero,' + says another. 'Why, annybody cud've done what he did. I got an + eight-year-old boy, an' if he cudden't take a baseball club an' go in an' + bate that Spanish fleet into junk in twinty minyits I'd call him Alger an' + thrade him off f'r a bicycle,' he says. 'I guess that's r-right. They say + he was a purty tough man befure he left Wash'n'ton.' 'Sure he was. Why, + so-an'-so-an'-so-an'-so.' 'Ye don't tell me!' 'Is there annything in that + story about his beatin' his poor ol' aunt an' her iliven childher out iv + four dollars?' 'I guess that's straight. Ye can tell be th' looks iv him + he's a mean man. I niver see a man with squintin' eyes an' white hair that + wudden't rob a church!' 'He's a cow'rd, too. Why, he r-run away at th' + battle iv Manila. Ivrybody knows it. I r-read what Joe What's-His-Name + wrote—th' br-rave corryspondint. He says this feller was sick at his + stummick an' retired befure th' Spanish fire. Why, what'd he have to fight + but a lot iv ol' row-boats? A good swimmer with sharp teeth cud've bit his + way through th' whole Spanish fleet. An' he r-run away. I tell ye, it + makes me tired to think iv th' way we abused th' Spanyards not long ago. + Why, say, they done a lot betther thin this fellow Dewey, with his forty + or fifty men-iv-war an' this gran' nation, miles away, standin' shoulder + to shoulder at his back. They niver tur-rned over their property to their + wives.' 'Yes,' says wan man, 'Dewey was a cow'rd. Let's go an' stone his + house.' 'No,' says the crowd, 'he might come out. Let's go down to th' + v'riety show an' hiss his pitcher in th' kinetoscope.' Well!'” + </p> + <p> + “Well what?” demanded Mr. Hennessy. + </p> + <p> + “Well,” Mr. Dooley continued, “I was on'y goin' to say, Hinnissy, that in + spite iv me hathred iv George as a man—a marrid man—an' me + contimpt f'r his qualities as a fighter, in spite iv th' chickens he has + stole an' the notes he has forged an' th' homes he has rooned, if he was + to come r-runnin' up Archey road, as he might, pursooed be ladies an' + gintlemen an' th' palajeem iv our liberties peltin him with rotten eggs + an' ol' cats, I'd open th' dure f'r him, an' whin he come in I'd put me + fut behind it an' I'd say to th' grateful people: 'Fellow-citizens,' I'd + say, 'lave us,' I'd say. 'They'se another hero down in Halstead Sthreet + that's been marrid. Go down an' shivaree him. An' you, me thrusted + collagues iv th' press, disperse to ye'er homes,' I'd say. 'Th' keyholes + is closed f'r th' night, I'd say. An' thin I'd bolt th' dure an' I'd say, + 'George, take off ye'er coat an' pull up to th' fire. Here's a noggin' iv + whisky near ye'er thumb an' a good seegar f'r ye to smoke. I'm no + hero-worshiper. I'm too old. But I know a man whin I see wan, an' though + we cudden't come out an' help ye whin th' subscription list wint wild, be + sure we think as much iv ye as we did whin ye'er name was first mintioned + be th' stanch an' faithful press. Set here, ol' la-ad, an' warrum ye'er + toes by th' fire. Set here an' r-rest fr'm th' gratichood iv ye'er + fellow-counthrymen, that, as Shakspere says, biteth like an asp an' + stingeth like an adder. R-rest here, as ye might r-rest at th' hearth iv + millyons iv people that cud give ye no house but their own!” + </p> + <p> + “I dinnaw about that,” said Mr. Hennessy. “I like Dewey, but I think he + oughtn't to've give away th' gift iv th' nation.” + </p> + <p> + “Well,” said Mr. Dooley, “if 'twas a crime f'r an American citizen to have + his property in his wife's name they'd be close quarthers in th' + pinitinchry.” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0020" id="link2H_4_0020"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + MARRIAGE AND POLITICS + </h2> + <p> + “I see,” said Mr. Hennessy, “that wan iv thim New York joods says a man in + pollytics oughtn't to be marrid.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, does he?” said Mr. Dooley. + </p> + <p> + “Well, 'tis little he knows about it. A man in pollytics has got to be + marrid. If he ain't marrid where'll he go f'r another kind iv throuble? + An' where'll he find people to support? An unmarrid man don't get along in + pollytics because he don't need th' money. Whin he's in th' middle iv a + prim'ry, with maybe twinty or thirty iv th' opposite party on top iv him, + thinks he to himsilf: 'What's th' good iv fightin' f'r a job? They'se no + wan depindant on me f'r support,' an' he surrinders. But a marrid man + says: 'What'll happen to me wife an' twelve small childher if I don't win + out here today?' an' he bites his way to th' top iv th' pile an' breaks + open th' ballot box f'r home and fireside. That's th' thruth iv it, + Hinnissy. Ye'll find all th' big jobs held be marrid men an' all th' + timpry clerkships be bachelors.” + </p> + <p> + “Th' reason th' New York jood thinks marrid men oughtn't to be in + pollytics is because he thinks pollytics is spoort. An' so it is. But it + ain't amachoor spoort, Hinnissy. They don't give ye a pewter mug with + ye'er name on it f'r takin' a chanst on bein' kilt. 'Tis a profissional + spoort, like playin' base-ball f'r a livin' or wheelin' a thruck. Ye niver + see an amachoor at annything that was as good as a profissional. Th' best + amachoor ball team is beat be a bad profissional team; a profissional + boxer that thrains on bock beer an' Swiss cheese can lam the head off a + goold medal amachoor champeen that's been atin' moldy bread an' dhrinkin' + wather f'r six months, an' th' Dago that blows th' cornet on th' sthreet + f'r what annywan 'll throw him can cut the figure eight around Dinnis + Finn, that's been takin' lessons f'r twinty year. No, sir, pollytics ain't + dhroppin' into tea, an' it ain't wurrukin' a scroll saw, or makin' a + garden in a back yard. 'Tis gettin' up at six o'clock in th' mornin' an' + r-rushin' off to wurruk, an' comin' home at night tired an' dusty. Double + wages f'r overtime an' Sundahs.” + </p> + <p> + “So a man's got to be marrid to do it well. He's got to have a wife at + home to make him oncomfortable if he comes in dhrunk, he's got to have + little prattlin' childher that he can't sind to th' Young Ladies' academy + onless he stuffs a ballotbox properly, an' he's got to have a sthrong + desire f'r to live in th' av'noo an' be seen dhrivin' downtown in an open + carredge with his wife settin' beside him undher a r-red parasol. If he + hasn't these things he won't succeed in pollytics—or packin' pork. + Ye niver see a big man in pollytics that dhrank hard, did ye? Ye never + will. An' that's because they're all marrid. Th' timptation's sthrong, but + fear is sthronger.” + </p> + <p> + “Th' most domestic men in th' wurruld ar-re politicians, an' they always + marry early. An' that's th' sad part iv it, Hinnissy. A pollytician always + marries above his own station. That's wan sign that he'll be a successful + pollytician. Th' throuble is, th' good woman stays planted just where she + was, an' he goes by like a fast thrain by a whistlin' station. D'ye mind + O'Leary, him that's a retired capitalist now, him that was aldherman, an' + dhrainage thrustee, an' state sinitor f'r wan term? Well, whin I first + knew O'Leary he wurruked down on a railroad section tampin' th' thrack at + wan-fifty a day. He was a sthrong, willin' young fellow, with a stiff + right-hand punch an' a schamin' brain, an' anny wan cud see that he was + intinded to go to th' fr-ront. Th' aristocracy iv th' camp was Mrs. + Cassidy, th' widdy lady that kept th' boordin'-house. Aristocracy, + Hinnissy, is like rale estate, a matther iv location. I'm aristocracy to + th' poor O'Briens back in th' alley, th' brewery agent's aristocracy to + me, his boss is aristocracy to him, an' so it goes, up to the czar of + Rooshia. He's th' pick iv th' bunch, th' high man iv all, th' Pope not + goin' in society. Well, Mrs. Cassidy was aristocracy to O'Leary. He niver + see such a stylish woman as she was whin she turned out iv a Sundah + afthernoon in her horse an' buggy. He'd think to himsilf, 'If I iver can + win that I'm settled f'r life,' an' iv coorse he did. 'Twas a gran' + weddin'; manny iv th' guests didn't show up at wurruk f'r weeks.” + </p> + <p> + “O'Leary done well, an' she was a good wife to him. She made money an' + kept him sthraight an' started him for constable. He won out, bein' a + sthrong man. Thin she got him to r-run f'r aldher-man, an' ye shud've seen + her th' night he was inaugurated! Be hivins, Hinnissy, she looked like a + fire in a pawnshop, fair covered with dimons an' goold watches an' chains. + She was cut out to be an aldherman's wife, and it was worth goin' miles to + watch her leadin' th' gran' march at th' Ar-rchy Road Dimmycratic Fife an' + Dhrum Corps ball.” + </p> + <p> + “But there she stopped. A good woman an' a kind wan, she cudden't go th' + distance. She had th' house an' th' childher to care f'r an' her + eddy-cation was through with. They isn't much a woman can learn afther she + begins to raise a fam'ly. But with O'Leary 'twas diffrent. I say 'twas + diff'rent with O'Leary. Ye talk about ye'er colleges, Hinnissy, but + pollytics is th' poor man's college. A la-ad without enough book larnin' + to r-read a meal-ticket, if ye give him tin years iv polly-tical life, has + th' air iv a statesman an' th' manner iv a jook, an' cud take anny job + fr'm dalin' faro bank to r-runnin th' threasury iv th' United States. His + business brings him up again' th' best men iv th' com-munity, an' their + customs an' ways iv speakin' an' thinkin' an robbin' sticks to him. Th' + good woman is at home all day. Th' on'y people she sees is th' childher + an' th' neighbors. While th' good man in a swallow-tail coat is + addhressin' th' Commercial club on what we shud do f'r to reform + pollytics, she's discussin' th' price iv groceries with th' plumber's wife + an' talkin' over th' back fince to the milkman. Thin O'Leary moves up on + th' boolyvard. He knows he'll get along all r-right on th' boolyvard. Th' + men'll say: 'They'se a good deal of rugged common sinse in that O'Leary. + He may be a robber, but they's mighty little that escapes him.' But no wan + speaks to Mrs. O'Leary. No wan asts her opinion about our foreign policy. + She sets day in an' day out behind th' dhrawn curtains iv her three-story + brownstone risidence prayin' that somewan'll come in an' see her, an if + annywan comes she's frozen with fear. An' 'tis on'y whin she slips out to + Ar-rchey r-road an' finds th' plumber's wife, an' sets in th' kitchen over + a cup iv tay, that peace comes to her. By an' by they offer O'Leary th' + nommynation f'r congress. He knows he's fit for it. He's sthronger thin + th' young lawyer they have now. People'll listen to him in Wash'nton as + they do in Chicago. He says: 'I'll take it.' An' thin he thinks iv th' + wife an' they's no Wash'nton f'r him. His pollytical career is over. He + wud niver have been constable if he hadn't marrid, but he might have been + sinitor if he was a widower.” + </p> + <p> + “Mrs. O'Leary was in to see th' Dargans th' other day. 'Ye mus' be very + happy in ye'er gran' house, with Mr. O'Leary doin' so well,' says Mrs. + Dargan. An' th' on'y answer th' foolish woman give was to break down an' + weep on Mrs. Dargan's neck.” + </p> + <p> + “Yet ye say a pollytician oughtn't to get marrid,” said Mr. Hennessy. + </p> + <p> + “Up to a certain point,” said Mr. Dooley, “he must be marrid. Afther that—well, + I on'y say that, though pollytics is a gran' career f'r a man, 'tis a + tough wan f'r his wife.” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0021" id="link2H_4_0021"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + ALCOHOL AS FOOD + </h2> + <p> + “If a man come into this saloon—” Mr. Hennessy was saying. + </p> + <p> + “This ain't no saloon,” Mr. Dooley interrupted. “This is a resthrant.” + </p> + <p> + “A what?” Mr. Hennessy exclaimed. + </p> + <p> + “A resthrant,” said Mr. Dooley. “Ye don't know, Hinnissy, that liquor is + food. It is though. Food—an' dhrink. That's what a doctor says in + the pa-apers, an' another doctor wants th' gover'mint to sind tubs iv th' + stuff down to th' Ph'lipeens. He says 'tis almost issintial that people + shud dhrink in thim hot climates. Th' prespiration don't dhry on thim + afther a hard pursoot iv Aggynaldoo an' th' capture iv Gin'ral Pantaloons + de Garshy; they begin to think iv home an' mother sindin' down th' + lawn-sprinkler to be filled with bock, an' they go off somewhere, an' not + bein' able to dhry thimsilves with dhrink, they want to die. Th' disease + is called nostalgia or home-sickness, or thirst.” + </p> + <p> + “'What we want to do f'r our sojer boys in th' Ph'lipeens besides killin' + thim,' says th' ar-rmy surgeon, 'is make th' place more homelike,' he + says. 'Manny iv our heroes hasn't had th' deleeryum thremens since we + first planted th' stars an' sthripes,' he says, 'an' th' bay'nits among + th' people,' he says. 'I wud be in favor iv havin' th' rigimints get their + feet round wanst a week, at laste,' he says. 'Lave us,' he says, 'reform + th' reg'lations,' he says, 'an' insthruct our sojers to keep their powdher + dhry an' their whistles wet,' he says.” + </p> + <p> + “Th' idee ought to take, Hinnissy, f'r th' other doctor la-ad has + discovered that liquor is food. 'A man,' says he, 'can live f'r months on + a little booze taken fr'm time to time,' he says 'They'se a gr-reat dale + iv nourishment in it,' he says. An' I believe him, f'r manny's th' man I + know that don't think iv eatin' whin he can get a dhrink. I wondher if the + time will iver come whin ye'll see a man sneakin' out iv th' fam'ly + enthrance iv a lunch-room hurridly bitin' a clove! People may get so + they'll carry a light dinner iv a pint iv rye down to their wurruk, an' a + man'll tell ye he niver takes more thin a bottle iv beer f'r breakfast. + Th' cook'll give way to th' bartinder and th' doctor 'll ordher people f'r + to ate on'y at meals. Ye'll r-read in th' pa-apers that 'Anton Boozinski, + while crazed with ham an' eggs thried to kill his wife an' childher.' On + Pathrick's day ye'll see th' Dr. Tanner Anti-Food Fife an' Drum corpse out + at th' head iv th' procession instead iv th' Father Macchews, an' they'll + be places where a man can be took whin he gets th' monkeys fr'm immodhrate + eatin'. Th' sojers 'll complain that th' liquor was unfit to dhrink an' + they'll be inquiries to find out who sold embammin' flood to th' ar-rmy—Poor + people 'll have simple meals—p'raps a bucket iv beer an' a little + crame de mint, an' ye'll r-read in th' pa-apers about a family found + starvin' on th' North side, with nawthin' to sustain life but wan small + bottle iv gin, while th' head iv th' family, a man well known to the + polis, spinds his wages in a low doggery or bakeshop fuddlin' his brains + with custars pie. Th' r-rich 'll inthrajoose novelties. P'raps they'll top + off a fine dinner with a little hasheesh or proosic acid. Th' time'll come + whin ye'll see me in a white cap fryin' a cocktail over a cooksthove, + while a nigger hollers to me: 'Dhraw a stack iv Scotch,' an' I holler + back: 'On th' fire.' Ye will not.” + </p> + <p> + {Illustration} + </p> + <p> + “That's what I thought,” said Mr. Hennessy. + </p> + <p> + “No,” said Mr. Dooley. “Whisky wudden't be so much iv a luxury if'twas + more iv a necissity. I don't believe 'tis a food, though whin me frind + Schwartzmeister makes a cocktail all it needs is a few noodles to look + like a biled dinner. No, whisky ain't food. I think betther iv it thin + that. I wudden't insult it be placin' it on th' same low plane as a + lobster salad. Father Kelly puts it r-right, and years go by without him + lookin' on it even at Hallowe'en. 'Whisky,' says he, 'is called the + divvle, because,' he says, ''tis wan iv the fallen angels,' he says. 'It + has its place,' he says, 'but its place is not in a man's head,' says he. + 'It ought to be th' reward iv action, not th' cause iv it,' he says. 'It's + f'r th' end iv th' day, not th' beginnin',' he says. 'Hot whisky is good + f'r a cold heart, an' no whisky's good f'r a hot head,' he says. 'Th' + minyit a man relies on it f'r a crutch he loses th' use iv his legs. 'Tis + a bad thing to stand on, a good thing to sleep on, a good thing to talk + on, a bad thing to think on. If it's in th' head in th' mornin' it ought + not to be in th' mouth at night. If it laughs in ye, dhrink; if it weeps, + swear off. It makes some men talk like good women, an' some women talk + like bad men. It is a livin' f'r orators an' th' death iv bookkeepers. It + doesn't sustain life, but, whin taken hot with wather, a lump iv sugar, a + piece iv lemon peel, and just th' dustin' iv a nutmeg-grater, it makes + life sustainable.” + </p> + <p> + “D'ye think ye-ersilf it sustains life?” asked Mr. Hennessy. + </p> + <p> + “It has sustained mine f'r many years,” said Mr. Dooley. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0022" id="link2H_4_0022"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + HIGH FINANCE + </h2> + <p> + “I think,” said Mr. Dooley, “I'll go down to th' stock yards an' buy a + dhrove iv Steel an' Wire stock.” + </p> + <p> + “Where wud ye keep it?” asked the unsuspecting Hennessy. + </p> + <p> + “I'll put it out on th' vacant lot,” said Mr. Dooley, “an' lave it grow + fat by atin' ol' bur-rd cages an' tin cans. I'll milk it hard, an' whin + 'tis dhry I'll dispose iv it to th' widdies an' orphans iv th' Sixth Ward + that need household pets. Be hivins, if they give me half a chanst, I'll + be as gr-reat a fi-nanceer as anny man in Wall sthreet. + </p> + <p> + “Th' reason I'm so confident iv th' value iv Steel an' Wire stock, + Hinnissy, is they're goin' to hur-rl th' chairman iv th' comity into jail. + That's what th' pa-apers calls a ray iv hope in th' clouds iv dipression + that've covered th' market so long. 'Tis always a bull argymint. + 'Snowplows common was up two pints this mornin' on th' rumor that th' + prisidint was undher ar-rest.' 'They was a gr-reat bulge in Lobster + preferred caused be th' report that instead iv declarin' a dividend iv + three hundhred per cint. th' comp'ny was preparin' to imprison th' boord + iv directors.' 'We sthrongly ricommind th' purchase iv Con and Founder. + This comp'ny is in ixcillint condition since th' hangin' iv th' comity on + reorganization.'” + </p> + <p> + “What's th' la-ad been doin', Hinnissy? He's been lettin' his frinds in on + th' groun' flure—an' dhroppin' thim into th' cellar. Ye know + Cassidy, over in th' Fifth, him that was in th' ligislachure? Well, sir, + he was a gr-reat frind iv this man. They met down in Springfield whin th' + la-ad had something he wanted to get through that wud protect th' widdies + an' orphans iv th' counthry again their own avarice, an' he must've handed + Cassidy a good argymint, f'r Cassidy voted f'r th' bill, though threatened + with lynchin' be stockholders iv th' rival comp'ny. He come back here so + covered with dimons that wan night whin he was standin' on th' rollin' + mill dock, th' captain iv th' Eliza Brown mistook his shirt front f'r th' + bridge lights an' steered into a soap facthry on th' lee or gas-house + shore.” + </p> + <p> + “Th' man made a sthrong impression on Cassidy. 'Twas: 'As me frind Jawn + says,' or 'I'll ask Jawn about that,' or 'I'm goin' downtown to-day to + find out what Jawn advises.' He used to play a dollar on th' horses or + sivin-up f'r th' dhrinks, but afther he met Jawn he wanted me to put in a + ticker, an' he wud set in here figurin' with a piece iv chalk on how high + Wire'd go if hoopskirts come into fashion again. 'Give me a dhrop iv + whisky,' he says, 'f'r I'm inthrested in Distillers,' he says, 'an' I'd + like to give it a shove,' he says. 'How's Gas?' he says. 'A little weak, + to-day,'” says I. + </p> + <p> + “Twill be sthronger,' he says. 'If it ain't,' says I, 'I'll take out th' + meter an' connect th' pipe with th' ventilator. I might as well bur-rn th' + wind free as buy it,'” I says. + </p> + <p> + “A couple iv weeks ago he see Jawn an' they had a long talk about it. + 'Cassidy,' says Jawn, 'ye've been a good frind iv mine,' he says, 'an' I'd + do annything in the wurruld f'r ye, no matther what it cost ye,' he says. + 'If ye need a little money to tide over th' har-rd times till th' + ligislachure meets again buy'—an' he whispered in Cassidy's ear. + 'But,' he says, 'don't tell annywan. 'Tis a good thing, but I want to keep + it bottled up,'” he says. + </p> + <p> + “Thin Jawn took th' thrain an' begun confidin' his secret to a few select + frinds. He give it to th' conductor on th' thrain, an' th' porther, an' + th' candy butcher; he handed it to a switchman that got on th' platform at + South Bend, an' he stopped off at Detroit long enough to tell about it to + the deepo' policeman. He had a sign painted with th' tip on it an' hung it + out th' window, an' he found a man that carrid a thrombone in a band goin' + over to Buffalo, an' he had him set th' good thing to music an' play it + through th' thrain. Whin he got to New York he stopped at the Waldorf + Asthoria, an' while th' barber was powdhrin' his face with groun' dimons + Jawn tol' him to take th' money he was goin' to buy a policy ticket with + an' get in on th' good thing. He tol' th' bootblack, th' waiter, th' man + at th' news-stand, th' clerk behind th' desk, an' th' bartinder in his + humble abode. He got up a stereopticon show with pitchers iv a + widow-an-orphan befure an' afther wirin', an' he put an advertisement in + all th' pa-apers tellin' how his stock wud make weak men sthrong. He had + th' tip sarved hot in all th' resthrants in Wall sthrcet, an' told it + confidintially to an open-air meetin' in Madison Square. 'They'se + nawthin,' he says, 'that does a tip so much good as to give it + circulation,' he says. 'I think, be this time,' he says, 'all me frinds + knows how to proceed, but—Great Hivins!' he says. 'What have I done? + Whin all the poor people go to get th' stock they won't be anny f'r thim. + I can not lave thim thus in th' lurch. Me reputation as a gintleman an' a + fi-nanceer is at stake,' he says. 'Rather than see these brave people + starvin' at th' dure f'r a morsel iv common or preferred, I'll—I'll + sell thim me own stock,' he says. An' he done it. He done it, Hinnissy, + with unfalthrin' courage an' a clear eye. He sold thim his stock, an' so's + they might get what was left at a raysonable price, he wrote a + confidintial note to th' pa-apers tellin' thim th' stock wasn't worth + thirty cints a cord, an' now, be hivins, they're talkin' iv puttin' him in + a common jail or pinitinchry preferred. Th' ingratichood iv man.” + </p> + <p> + “But what about Cassidy?” Mr. Hennessy asked. + </p> + <p> + “Oh,” said Mr. Dooley, “he was in here las' night. 'How's our old frind + Jawn?' says I. He said nawthin'. 'Have ye seen ye'er collidge chum iv + late?' says I. 'Don't mintion that ma-an's name,' says he. 'To think iv + what I've done f'r him,' he says, 'an' him to throw me down,' he says. + 'Did ye play th' tip?' says I. 'I did,' says he. 'How did ye come out?' + says I. 'I haven't a cint lift but me renommynation f'r th' ligislachure,' + says he. 'Well,' says I, 'Cassidy,' I says, 'ye've been up again what th' + pa-apers call hawt finance,' I says. 'What th' divvle's that?' says he. + 'Well,' says I, 'it ain't burglary, an' it ain't obtainin' money be false + pretinses, an' it ain't manslaughter,' I says. 'It's what ye might call a + judicious seliction fr'm th' best features iv thim ar-rts,' I says. 'T'was + too sthrong f'r me,' he says. 'It was,' says I. 'Ye're about up to simple + thransom climbin', Cassidy,' I says.” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0023" id="link2H_4_0023"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE PARIS EXPOSITION + </h2> + <p> + “If this r-rush iv people to th' Paris exposition keeps up,” said Mr. + Hennessy, “they won't be enough left here f'r to ilict a prisidint.” + </p> + <p> + “They'll be enough left,” said Mr. Dooley. “There always is. No wan has + gone fr'm Arrchey r-road, where th' voters ar-re made. I've looked + ar-round ivry mornin' expectin' to miss some familyar faces. I thought + Dorgan, th' plumber, wud go sure, but he give it up at th' las' moment, + an' will spind his summer on th' dhrainage canal. Th' baseball season 'll + keep a good manny others back, an' a number iv riprisintative cit'zens who + have stock or jobs in th' wire mills have decided that 'tis much betther + to inthrust their savin's to John W. Gates thin to blow thim in again th' + sthreets iv Cairo.” + </p> + <p> + “But takin' it by an' large 'twill be a hard winter f'r th' r-rich. Manny + iv thim will have money enough f'r to return, but they'll be much + sufferin' among thim. I ixpict to have people dhroppin' in here nex' fall + with subscription books f'r th' survivors iv th' Paris exhibition. Th' + women down be th' rollin' mills 'll be sewin' flannels f'r th' disthressed + millyonaires, an' whin th' childher kick about th' food ye'll say, + Hinnissy, 'Just think iv th' poor wretches in th' Lake Shore dhrive an' + thank Gawd f'r what ye have.' Th' mayor 'll open soup kitchens where th' + unforchnit people can come an' get a hearty meal an' watch th' ticker, an' + whin th' season grows hard, ye'll see pinched an' hungry plutocrats + thrampin' th' sthreets with signs r-readin': 'Give us a cold bottle or we + perish.' Perhaps th' polis 'll charge thim an' bust in their stovepipe + hats, th' prisidint 'll sind th' ar-rmy here, a conspiracy 'll be + discovered at th' club to blow up th' poorhouse, an' volunteers 'll be + called on fr'm th' nickel bed houses to protect th' vested inthrests iv + established poverty.” + </p> + <p> + “'Twill be a chanst f'r us to get even, Hinnissy. I'm goin' to organize + th' Return Visitin' Nurses' association, composed entirely iv victims iv + th' parent plant. 'Twill be worth lookin' at to see th' ladies fr'm th' + stock yards r-rushin' into some wretched home down in Peerary avenue, + grabbin' th' misthress iv th' house be th' shouldhers an' makin' her + change her onhealthy silk dhress f'r a pink wrapper, shovelin' in a little + ashes to sprinkle on th' flure, breakin' th' furniture an' rollin' th' + baby in th' coal box. What th' r-rich needs is intilligint attintion. + 'Don't ate that oatmeal. Fry a nice piece iv r-round steak with onions, + give th' baby th' bone to play with, an' sind Lucille Ernestine acrost th' + railroad thrack f'r a nickel's worth iv beer. Thin ye'll be happy, me good + woman.' Oh, 'twill be gran'. I won't give annything to people that come to + th' dure. More har-m is done be indiscriminate charity than anny wan + knows, Hinnissy. Half th' bankers that'll come to ye-er kitchen nex' + winter cud find plenty iv wurruk to do if they really wanted it. Dhrink + an' idleness is th' curse iv th' class. If they come to me I'll sind thim + to th' Paris Survivors' Mechanical Relief Association, an' they can go + down an' set on a cake iv ice an' wait till th' man in charge finds thim a + job managin' a diamond mine.” + </p> + <p> + {Illustration} + </p> + <p> + Mr. Hennessy dismissed Mr. Dooley's fancy sketch with a grin and remarked: + “These here expositions is a gran' thing f'r th' progress iv th' wurruld.” + </p> + <p> + “Ye r-read that in th' pa-apers,” said Mr. Dooley, “an' it isn't so. Put + it down fr'm me, Hinnissy, that all expositions is a blind f'r th' + hootchy-kootchy dance. They'll be some gr-reat exhibits at th' Paris fair. + Th' man that has a machine that'll tur-rn out three hundhred thousan' + toothpicks ivry minyit'll sind over his inthrestin' device, they'll be + mountains iv infant food an' canned prunes, an' pickle casters, an' pants, + an' boots, an' shoes an' paintin's. They'll be all th' wondhers iv modhern + science. Ye can see how shirts ar-re made, an' what gives life to th' sody + fountain. Th' man that makes th' glue that binds 'll be wearin' more + medals thin an officer iv th' English ar-rmy or a cinchry bicycle rider, + an' years afther whin ye see a box iv soap ye'll think iv th' manufacthrer + standin' up befure a hundhred thousan' frinzied Fr-rinchmen in th' Boss du + Boloney while th' prisidint iv th' Fr-rinch places a goold wreath on his + fair brow an' says: 'In th' name iv th' ar-rts an' science, undher th' + motto iv our people, “Libertinity, insanity, an' frugality,” I crown ye + th' champeen soapmaker iv th' wurruld. {Cheers.} Be ye'er magnificint + invintion ye have dhrawn closer th' ties between Paris an' Goshen, + Indyanny {frantic applause}, which I hope will niver be washed away. I + wish ye much success as ye climb th' lather iv fame.' Th' invintor is thin + dhrawn ar-roun' th' sthreets iv Paris in a chariot pulled be eight white + horses amid cries iv 'Veev Higgins,' 'Abase Castile,' et cethra, fr'm th' + populace. An' manny a heart beats proud in Goshen that night. That's th' + way ye think iv it, but it happens diff'rent, Hinnissy. Th' soap king, th' + prune king, an' th' porous plaster king fr'm here won't stir up anny + tumult in Paris this year. Th' chances ar-re th' prisidint won't know + they're there, an' no wan'll speak to thim but a cab dhriver, an' he'll + say: 'Th' fare fr'm th' Changs All Easy to th' Roo de Roo is eighteen + thousan' francs, but I'll take ye there f'r what ye have in ye-er + pockets.'” + </p> + <p> + “The millyonaire that goes over there to see th' piled up riches iv th' + wurruld in sausage-makin' 'll take a look ar-round him an' he'll say to + th' first polisman he meets: 'Gossoon, this is a fine show an' I know yon + palace is full to th' seams with chiny-ware an' washtubs, but wud ye be so + kind, mong brav', as to p'int out with ye-er club th' partic'lar house + where th' houris fr'm th' sultan's harem dances so well without the aid iv + th' human feet?' I know how it was whin we had th' fair here. I had th' + best intintions in th' wurruld to find out what I ought to have larned + fr'm me frind Armour, how with th' aid iv Gawdgiven machinery ye can make + a bedstead, a pianola, a dozen whisk-brooms, a barrel iv sour mash whisky, + a suit iv clothes, a lamp chimbly, a wig, a can iv gunpowdher, a bah'rl iv + nails, a prisidintial platform, an' a bur-rdcage out iv what remains iv + th' cow-I was detarmined to probe into th' wondhers iv science, an' I + started fair f'r th' machinery hall. Where did I bring up, says ye? In th' + fr-ront seat iv a playhouse with me eye glued on a lady iv th' sultan's + coort, near Brooklyn bridge, thryin' to twisht out iv hersilf.” + </p> + <p> + “No, Hinnissy, they'll be manny things larned be Americans that goes to + Paris, but they won't be about th' 'convarsion iv boots into food, or + vicey varsa,' as Hogan says. An' that's r-right. If I wint over there 'tis + little time I'd be spindin' thryin' to discover how th' wondhers iv + mechanical janius are projooced that makes livin' so much more healthy an' + oncomfortable. But whin I got to Paris I'd hire me a hack or a dhray + painted r-red, an' I'd put me feet out th' sides an' I'd say to th' + dhriver: 'Rivolutionist, pint ye-er horse's head to'rds th'home iv th' + skirt dance, hit him smartly, an' go to sleep. I will see th' snow-plow + show an' th' dentisthry wurruk in th' pa-apers. F'r th' prisint I'll + devote me attintion to makin' a noise in th' sthreets an' studyin' human + nature.'” + </p> + <p> + “Ye'd be a lively ol' buck over there,” said Mr. Hennessy, admiringly. + '“Tis a good thing ye can't go.” + </p> + <p> + “It is so,” said Mr. Dooley. “I'm glad I have no millyonaire rilitives to + be depindent on me f'r support whin th' show's over.” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0024" id="link2H_4_0024"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHRISTIAN JOURNALISM + </h2> + <p> + “I see,” said Mr. Dooley, “that th' la-ad out in Kansas that thried to + r-run a paper like what th' Lord wud r-run if he had lived in Topeka, has + thrun up th' job.” + </p> + <p> + “Sure, I niver heerd iv him,” said Mr. Hennessy. + </p> + <p> + “Well, 'twus this way with him,” Mr. Dooley explained. “Ye see, he didn't + like th' looks iv th' newspapers. He got tired iv r-readin' how many rows + iv plaits Mrs. Potther Pammer had on th' las' dhress she bought, an' + whether McGovern oughtn't to go into th' heavy-weight class an' fight + Jeffries, an' he says, says th' la-ad, 'This is no right readin' f'r th' + pure an' passionless youth iv Kansas,' he says. 'Give me,' he says, 'a + chanst an' I'll projooce th' kind iv organ that'd be got out in hiven,' he + says, 'price five cints a copy,' he says, 'f'r sale be all newsdealers; + f'r advertisin' rates consult th' cashier,' he says. So a man in Topeka + that had a newspaper, he says: 'I will not be behindhand,' he says, 'in + histin' Kansas up fr'm its prisint low an' irrellijous position,' he says. + 'I don't know how th' inhabitants iv th' place ye refer to is fixed,' he + says, 'f'r newspapers,' he says, 'an' I niver heerd iv annybody fr'm + Kansas home-stakin' there,' he says, 'but if ye'll attind to th' + circulation iv thim parts,' he says, 'I'll see that th' paper is properly + placed in th' hands iv th' vile an' wicked iv this earth, where,' he says, + 'th' returns ar-re more quick,' he says.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, th' la-ad wint at it, an' 'twas a fine paper he made. Hogan was in + here th' other day with a copy iv it an' I r-read it. I haven't had such a + lithry threat since I was a watchman on th' canal f'r a week with nawthin' + to r-read but th' delinquent tax list an' the upper half iv a weather map. + 'Twas gran'. Th' editor, it seems, Hinnissy, wint into th' editoryal rooms + iv th' pa-aper an' he gathered th' force around him fr'm their reg'lar + jobs in th' dhrug stores, an' says he, 'Gintlemen,' he says, 'tell me + ye'er plans f'r to enoble this here Christyan publication f'r to-day!' he + says. 'Well,' says th' horse rayporther, 'they's a couple iv rabbits goin' + to sprint around th' thrack at th' fair groun's,' he says. I think 'twud + be a good thing f'r rellijon if ye'd lind me tin that I might br-reak th' + sin-thralled bookys that come down here fr'm Kansas City f'r to skin th' + righteous,' he says. 'No,' says th' editor, he says, 'no horse racin' in + this paper,' he says. ''Tis th' roonation iv th' young, an' ye can't beat + it,' he says. 'An' you, fair-haired youth,' he says, 'what d'ye do that + makes ye'er color so good an' ye'er eye so bright?' 'I,' says th' la-ad, + 'am th' boy that writes th' fightin' dope,' he says. 'They'se a couple iv + good wans on at th' op'ra house to-night, an' if his Spiklets don't + tin-can 'tis like findin' money in an ol' coat that—' 'Fightin',' + says th' editor, 'is a crool an' onchristyan spoort,' he says. 'Instead iv + chroniclin' th' ruffyanism iv these misguided wretches that weigh in at + th' ringside at 125 poun's, an' I see in a pa-aper I r-read in a barber + shop th' other day that Spike's gone away back—what's that I'm + sayin'? Niver mind. D'ye go down to th' home iv th' Rivrind Aloysius + Augustus Morninbinch an'interview him on th' question iv man's + co-operation with grace in conversion. Make a nice chatty article about it + an' I'll give ye a copy iv wan iv me books.' 'I will,' says th' la-ad, 'if + he don't swing on me,' he says. The editor thin addhressed th' staff. + 'Gintlemen,' he says, 'I find that th' wurruk ye've been accustomed to + doin',' he says, 'is calc'lated f'r to disthroy th' morality an' debase + th' home life iv Topeka, not to mintion th' surroundin' methrolopuses iv + Valencia, Wanamaker, Sugar Works, Paxico an' Snokomo,' he says. 'Th' + newspaper, instead iv bein' a pow'rful agent f'r th' salvation iv mankind, + has become something that they want to r-read,' he says. 'Ye can all go + home,' he says. 'I'll stay here an' write th' paper mesilf,' he says. 'I'm + th' best writer ar-round here, annyhow, an' I'll give thim something + that'll prepare thim f'r death,' he says. + </p> + <p> + “An' he did, Hinnissy, he did. 'Twas a gran' paper. They was an article on + sewerage an' wan on prayin' f'r rain, an' another on muni-cipal ownership + iv gas tanks, an' wan to show that they niver was a good milker ownded be + a pro-fane man. They was pomes, too, manny iv thim, an' fine wans: 'Th' + Man with th' Shovel,' 'Th' Man with th' Pick, 'Th' Man with th' + Cash-Raygisther,' 'Th' Man with th' Snow Plow,' 'Th' Man with th' Bell + Punch,' 'Th' Man with th' Skate,' 'Th' Man with No Kick Comin'.' Fine + pothry, th' editor askin' who pushed this here man's forehead back an' + planed down his chin, who made him wear clothes that didn't fit him and + got him a job raisin' egg-plant f'r th' monno-polists in Topeka at a + dollar a day. A man in th' editor's position ought to know, but he didn't, + so he ast in th'pomes. An' th' advertisin', Hinnissy! I'd be scandalized + f'r to go back readin' th' common advertisin' in th' vile daily press + about men's pantings, an' DoesannyoneknowwhereIcangeta biscuit, an' In th' + spring a young man's fancy lightly turns to Pocohontas plug, not made be + th' thrusts. Th' editor left thim sacrilegious advertisements f'r his + venal contimp'raries. His was pious an' nice: 'Do ye'er smokin' in this + wurruld. Th' Christyan Unity Five-Cint See-gar is made out iv th' finest + grades iv excelsior iver projooced in Kansas!' 'Nebuchednezzar grass seed, + f'r man an' beast.' 'A handful iv meal in a barrel an' a little ile in a + curse. Swedenborgian bran fried in kerosene makes th' best breakfast dish + in th' wurruld.' 'Twus nice to r-read. It made a man feel as if he was in + church—asleep.” + </p> + <p> + “How did th'pa-aper sthrike th' people?” says ye. “Oh, it sthruck thim + good. Says th' Topeka man, skinnin' over th' gossip about Christyan + citizenship an' th' toolchest iv pothry: 'Eliza, here's a good paper, a + fine wan, f'r ye an' th' childher. Sind Tommy down to th' corner an' get + me a copy iv th' Polis Gazette.'” + </p> + <p> + “Ye see, Hinnissy, th' editor wint to th' wrong shop f'r what Hogan calls + his inspiration. Father Kelly was talkin' it over with me, an' says he: + 'They ain't anny news in bein' good. Ye might write th' doin's iv all th' + convents iv th' wurruld on th' back iv a postage stamp, an' have room to + spare. Supposin' ye took out iv a newspaper all th' murdhers, an' + suicides, an' divorces, an elopements, an' fires, an' disease, an' war, + an' famine,' he says, 'ye wudden't have enough left to keep a man busy + r-readin' while he rode ar-roun' th' block on th' lightnin' express. No,' + he says, 'news is sin an' sin is news, an' I'm worth on'y a line + beginnin': “Kelly, at the parish-house, April twinty-sicond, in th' + fiftieth year iv his age,” an' pay f'r that, while Scanlan's bad boy is + good f'r a column anny time he goes dhrunk an' thries to kill a polisman. + A rellijious newspaper? None iv thim f'r me. I want to know what's goin' + on among th' murdher an' burglary set. Did ye r-read it?' he says. 'I + did,' says I. 'What did ye think iv it?' says he. 'I know,' says I, 'why + more people don't go to church,' says I.” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0025" id="link2H_4_0025"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE ADMIRAL'S CANDIDACY + </h2> + <p> + “I see,” said Mr. Hennessy, “that Dewey is a candydate f'r prisidint.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, sir,” said Mr. Dooley, “I hope to hiven he won't get it. No + rilitive iv mine iver held a pollytical job barrin' mesilf. I was precint + captain, an' wan iv th' best they was in thim days, if I do say so that + shudden't. I was called Cap f'r manny years aftherward, an' I'd've joined + th' Gr-rand Army iv th' Raypublic if it hadn't been f'r me poor feet. + Manny iv me rilitives has been candydates, but they niver cud win out + again th' r-rest iv th' fam'ly. 'Tis so with Cousin George. I'm again him. + I've been a rayspictable saloon-keeper f'r forty years in this ward, an' + I'll not have th' name dhragged into pollytics.” + </p> + <p> + “Iv coorse, I don't blame Cousin George. I'm with him f'r annything else + in th' gift iv th' people, fr'm a lovin'-cup to a house an' lot. He don't + mean annything be it. Did ye iver see a sailor thryin' to ride a horse? + 'Tis a comical sight. Th' reason a sailor thries to ride a horse is + because he niver r-rode wan befure. If he knew annything about it he + wouldn't do it. So be Cousin George. Afther he'd been over here awhile an' + got so 'twas safe f'r him to go out without bein' torn to pieces f'r + soovenirs or lynched be a mob, he took a look ar-round him an' says he to + a polisman: 'What's th' governmint iv this counthry?' 'Tis a raypublic,' + says th' polisman. 'What's th' main guy called?' says George. 'He's called + prisidint,' says th' polisman. 'Is it a good job?' says Cousin George. + ''Tis betther thin thravelin' beat,' says th' bull. 'What's th' la-ad's + name that's holdin' it now?' says Cousin George. 'Mack,' says th' cop. + 'Irish?' says George. 'Cross,' says th' elbow. 'Where fr'm?' says George. + 'Ohio,' says the peeler. 'Where's that?' says George. 'I dinnaw,' says th' + bull. An' they parted th' best iv frinds.” + </p> + <p> + “'Well,'” says George to himsilf, “'I guess I'll have to go up an' have a + look at this la-ad's place,' he says, 'an' if it looks good,' he says, + 'p'raps I cud nail it,' he says. An' he goes up an' sees Mack dictatin' + his Porther Rickyan policy to a kinetoscope, an' it looks like a nice + employmint f'r a spry man, an' he goes back home an' sinds f'r a + rayporther, an' says he: 'I always believe since I got home in dealin' + frankly with th' press. I haven't seen manny papers since I've been at + sea, but whin I was a boy me father used to take the Montpelier Paleejum. + 'Twas r-run be a man be th' name iv Horse Clamback. He was quite a man + whin sober. Ye've heerd iv him, no doubt. But what I ast ye up here f'r + was to give ye a item that ye can write up in ye'er own way an' hand to + th' r-rest iv th' boys. I'm goin' to be prisidint. I like th' looks iv the + job an' nobody seems to care f'r it, an' I've got so blame tired since I + left th' ship that if I don't have somethin' to do I'll go crazy,' he + says. 'I wisht ye'd make a note iv it an' give it to th' other papers,' he + says. 'Ar-re ye a raypublican or a dimmycrat?' says the rayporter. 'What's + that?' says Cousin George. 'D'ye belong to th' raypublican or th' + dimmycrat party?' 'What ar-re they like?' says Cousin George. 'Th' + raypublicans ar-re in favor iv expansion.' 'Thin I'm a raypublican.' 'Th' + dim-mycrats ar-re in favor iv free thrade.' 'Thin I'm a dimmycrat.' 'Th' + raypublicans ar-re f'r upholdin' th' goold standard.' 'So'm I. I'm a + raypublican there.' 'An' they're opposed to an income tax.' 'On that,' + says Cousin George, 'I'm a dimmycrat. I tell ye, put me down as a + dimmycrat. Divvle th' bit I care. Just say I'm a dimmycrat with sthrong + raypublican leanings. Put it this way: I'm a dimmycrat, be a point + raypublican, dimmycrat. Anny sailor man'll undherstand that.' 'What'll I + say ye'er platform is?' 'Platform?' 'Ye have to stand on a platform.' 'I + do, do I? Well, I don't. I'll stand on no platform, an' I'll hang on no + sthrap. What d'ye think th'prisidincy is—a throlley car? No, sir, + whin ye peek in th' dure to sell ye'er paper ye'll see ye'er Uncle George + settin' down comfortable with his legs crossed, thrippin' up annywan that + thries to pass him. Go out now an' write ye'er little item, f'r 'tis late + an' all hands ar-re piped to bed,' he says.” + </p> + <p> + “An' there ye ar-re. Well, sir, 'tis a hard year Cousin George has in + store f'r him. Th' first thing he knows he'll have to pay f'r havin' his + pitchers in th' pa-aper. Thin he'll larn iv siv'ral prevyous convictions + in Vermont. Thin he'll discover that they was no union label on th' goods + he delivered at Manila. 'Twill be pointed out be careful observers that he + was ilicted prisidint iv th' A. P. A. be th' Jesuits. Thin somewan'll dig + up that story about his not feelin' anny too well th' mornin' iv th' + fight, an' ye can imajine th' pitchers they'll print, an' th' jokes + that'll be made, an' th' songs: 'Dewey Lost His Appetite at th' Battle iv + Manila. Did McKinley Iver Lose His?' An' George'll wake up th' mornin' + afther iliction an' he'll have a sore head an' a sorer heart, an' he'll + find that th' on'y support he got was fr'm th' goold dimmycratic party, + an' th' chances ar-re he caught cold fr'm goin' out without his shawl an' + cudden't vote. He'll find that a man can be r-right an' be prisidint, but + he can't be both at th' same time. An' he'll go down to breakfast an' + issue Gin'ral Ordher Number Wan, 'To All Superyor Officers Commandin' + Admirals iv th' United States navy at home or on foreign service: If anny + man mintions an admiral f'r prisidint, hit him in th' eye an' charge same + to me.' An' thin he'll go to his office an' prepare a plan f'r to capture + Dublin, th' capital iv England, whin th' nex' war begins. An' he'll spind + th' r-rest iv his life thryin' to live down th' time he was a candydate.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, be hivins, I think if Dewey says he's a dimmycrat an' Joyce is with + him, I'll give him a vote,” said Mr. Hennessy. “It's no sin to be a + candydate f'r prisidint.” + </p> + <p> + “No,” said Mr. Dooley. “Tis sometimes a misfortune an' sometimes a joke. + But I hope ye won't vote f'r him. He might be ilicted if ye did. I'd like + to raymimber him, an' it might be I cudden't if he got th' job. Who was + the prisidint befure Mack? Oh, tubby sure!” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0026" id="link2H_4_0026"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CUSTOMS OF KENTUCKY + </h2> + <p> + “Well, sir,” said Mr. Dooley, “'tis good to see that th' gloryous ol' + commonwealth iv Kentucky is itsilf again.” + </p> + <p> + “How's that?” asked Mr. Hennessy. + </p> + <p> + “F'r some time past,” said Mr. Dooley, “they's been nawthin' doin' that'd + make a meetin' iv th' Epworth League inthrestin'. Th' bystanders in + Kentucky has been as safe as a journeyman highwayman in Chicago. Perfectly + innocent an' unarmed men wint into th' state an' come out again without a + bullethole in their backs. It looked f'r awhile as if th' life iv th' + ordn'ry visitor was goin' to be as harmless in Kentucky as in Utah, th' + home iv th' desthroyers iv American domestic life. I dinnaw why it was, + whether it was th' influence iv our new citizens in Cubia an' th' + Ph'lippeens or what it was, but annyhow th' on'y news that come out iv + Kentucky was as peaceful, Hinnissy, as th' rayports iv a bloody battle in + South Africa. But Kentucky, as Hogan says, was not dead but on'y sleepin'. + Th' other day that gran' ol' state woke up through two iv its foremost + rapid firin' citizens.” + </p> + <p> + “They met be chanst in a hotel con-tagious to a bar. Colonel Derringer was + settin' in a chair peacefully fixin' th' hammer iv his forty-four Colt + gun, presinted to him be his constitooents on th' occasion iv his + mim'rable speech on th' nicissity iv spreadin' th' civilization iv th' + United States to th' ends iv th' wur-ruld. Surroundin' him was Major + Bullseye, a well-known lawyer, cattle-raiser an' journalist iv Athens, + Bulger County, whose desthruction iv Captain Cassius Glaucus Wiggins at + th' meetin' iv' th' thrustees in th' Sicond Baptist Church excited so much + comment among spoortin' men three or four years ago, Gin'ral Rangefinder + iv Thebes, Colonel Chivvy iv Sparta, who whittled Major Lycurgus Gam iv + Thermopylae down to th' wishbone at th' anti-polygamist meetin' las' June, + an' other well-known gintlemen.” + </p> + <p> + “Th' party was suddenly confronted be Major Lyddite iv Carthage an' a + party iv frinds who were in town for th' purpose iv protectin' th' + suffrage again' anny pollution but their own. Colonel Derringer an' Major + Lyddite had been inimies f'r sivral months, iver since Major Lyddite in an + attimpt to desthroy wan iv his fellow-citizens killed a cow belongin' to + th' janial Colonel. Th' two gintlemen had sworn f'r to slay each other at + sight or thirty days, an' all Kentucky society has been on what Hogan + calls th' <i>quee veev</i> or look-out f'r another thrajeedy to be added + to th' long list iv sim'lar ivints that marks th' histhry iv th' Dark an' + Bloody Groun'—which is a name given to Kentucky be her affectionate + sons.” + </p> + <p> + {Illustration} + </p> + <p> + “Without a wur-rud or a bow both gintlemen dhrew on each other an' begun a + deadly fusillade. That is, Hinnissy, they begun shootin' at th' + bystanders. I'll tell ye what th' pa-apers said about it. Th' two + antagonists was in perfect form an' well sustained th' reputation iv th' + state f'r acc'rate workmanship. Colonel Derringer's first shot caught a + boot an' shoe drummer fr'm Chicago square in th' back amid consid'rable + applause. Major Lyddite tied th' scoor be nailin' a scrubwoman on th' top + iv a ladder. Th' man at th' traps sprung a bell boy whom th' Colonel on'y + winged, thus goin' back wan, but his second barrel brought down a + book-canvasser fr'm New York, an' this bein' a Jew man sint him ahead + three. Th' Major had an aisy wan f'r th' head waiter, nailin' him just as + he jumped into a coal hole. Four all. Th' Colonel thried a difficult + polisman, lamin' him. Thin th' Major turned his attintion to his own + frinds, an' made three twos in succession. Th' Colonel was not so + forch'nate. He caught Major Bullseye an' Captain Wiggins, but Gin'ral + Rangefinder was safe behind a barber's pole an' Colonel Chivvy fluttered + out iv range. Thus th' scoor was tin to six at th' conclusion iv th' day's + spoort in favor iv Major Lyddite. Unforchnately th' gallant Major was + onable f'r to reap th' reward iv his excellent marksmanship, f'r in a vain + indeavor f'r a large scoor, he chased th' barber iv th' sicond chair into + th' street, an' there slippin' on a banana peel, fell an' sustained + injuries fr'm which he subsequently died. In him th' counthry loses a + valu'ble an' acc'rate citizen, th' state a lile an' rapid firin' son, an' + society a leadin' figure, his meat-market an' grocery bein' wan iv th' + largest outside iv Minerva. Some idee iv th' acc'racy iv th' fire can be + gained fr'm th' detailed scoor, as follows: Lyddite, three hearts, wan + lung, wan kidney, five brains. Derringer, four hearts, two brains. This + has seldom been excelled. Among th' minor casualties resultin' fr'm this + painful but delightful soiree was th' followin': Erastus Haitch Muggins, + kilt be jumpin' fr'm th' roof; Blank Cassidy, hide an' pelt salesman fr'm + Chicago, burrid undher victims; Captain Epaminondas Lucius Quintus Cassius + Marcellus Xerxes Cyrus Bangs of Hoganpolis, Hamilcar Township, Butseen + County, died iv hear-rt disease whin his scoor was tied. Th' las' named + was a prominent leader in society, a crack shot an' a gintleman iv th' ol' + school without fear an' without reproach. His son succeeds to his lunch + car. Th' others don't count.” + </p> + <p> + “'Twas a gr-reat day f'r Kentucky, Hinnissy, an' it puts th' gran' ol' + state two or three notches ahead iv anny sim'lar community in th' + wur-ruld. Talk about th' Boer war an' th' campaign in th' Ph'lippeens! + Whin Kentucky begins f'r to shoot up her fav'rite sons they'll be more + blood spilled thin thim two play wars'd spill between now an' th' time + whin Ladysmith's relieved f'r th' las' time an' Agynaldoo is r-run up a + three in th' outermost corner iv Hoar County, state iv Luzon. They'se rale + shootin' in Kentucky, an' whin it begins ivrybody takes a hand. 'Tis th' + on'y safe way. If ye thry to be an onlooker an' what they calls a + non-combatant 'tis pretty sure ye'll be taken home to ye'er fam'ly lookin' + like a cribbage-boord. So th' thing f'r ye to do is to be wan iv th' + shooters ye'ersilf, load up ye'er gun an' whale away f'r th' honor iv + ye'er counthry.” + </p> + <p> + “'Tis a disgrace,” said Mr. Hennessy. “Where were th' polis?” + </p> + <p> + “This was not th' place f'r a polisman,” said Mr. Dooley. “I suspict + though, fr'm me knowledge iv th' kind iv man that uses firear-rms that if + some wan'd had th' prisence iv mind to sing out 'They'se a man at th' bar + that offers to buy dhrinks f'r th' crowd,' they'd be less casu'lties fr'm + bullets, though they might be enough people kilt in th' r-rush to even it + up. But whin I read about these social affairs in Kentucky, I sometimes + wish some spool cotton salesman fr'm Matsachoosets, who'd be sure to get + kilt whin th' shootin' begun, wud go down there with a baseball bat an' + begin tappin' th' gallant gintlemen on th' head befure breakfast an' in + silf definse. I'll bet ye he'd have thim jumpin' through thransoms in less + thin two minyits, f'r ye can put this down as thrue fr'm wan that's seen + manny a shootin', that a man, barrin' he's a polisman, on'y dhraws a gun + whin he's dhrunk or afraid. Th' gun fighter, Hinnissy, tin to wan is a + cow'rd.” + </p> + <p> + “That's so,” said Mr. Hennessy. “But it don't do to take anny chances on.” + </p> + <p> + “No,” said Mr. Dooley, “he might be dhrunk.” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0027" id="link2H_4_0027"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + A SOCIETY SCANDAL + </h2> + <p> + “Well, sir, I guess I'm not up on etiket,” said Mr. Dooley. + </p> + <p> + “How's that?” demanded Mr. Hennessy. + </p> + <p> + “I've been readin' about Willum Waldorf Asthor,” replied Mr. Dooley, “an' + th' throuble he had with a la-ad that bummed his way into his party. Ye + see, Hinnissy, Willum Waldorf Asthor give a party at his large an' + commodjious house in London. That's where he lives—in London—though + he r-runs a hotel in New York, where ye can see half th' state iv Ioway + near anny night, they tell me. Well, he give this party on a gran' scale, + an' bought gr-reat slathers iv food an' dhrink, an' invited th' neighbors + an' the neighbors' childher. But wan man he wudden't have. He's goin' over + th' list iv th' people that's to come, an' he says to his sicrety: + 'Scratch that boy. Him an' me bump as we pass by.' He didn't want this + fellow, ye see, Hinnissy. I don't know why. They was dissatisfaction + between thim; annyhow, he says: 'Scratch him,' an' he was out iv it.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, wan night, th' fellow was settin' down f'r a bite to eat with Lady + O——, an' Lady S——, an' Lady G——, an' + Lady Y——, an' other ladies that had lost their names, an' says + wan iv thim, 'Cap,' she says, 'ar-re ye goin' to Asthor's doin's tonight?' + she says. 'Not that I know iv,' says th' Cap. 'He hasn't sint me anny + wurrud that I'm wanted,' he says. 'What differ does it make,' says th' + lady. 'Write an invitation f'r ye'rsilf on ye'er cuff an' come along with + us,' says she. 'I'll do it,' says the Cap, an' he sint f'r an automobile + an' goes along. + </p> + <p> + “Well, ivrything was all r-right f'r awhile, an' th' Cap was assaultin' a + knuckle iv ham an' a shell iv beer, whin Willum Waldorf Asthor comes up + an' taps him on th' shoulder an' says: 'Duck.' 'What name?' says th' Cap. + 'Asthor,' says Willum. 'Oh,' says th' Cap, 'ye're th' American gazabo that + owns this hut,' he says. 'I am,' says Willum. 'I can't go,' says th' Cap. + 'Ye didn't ask me here an' ye can't sind me away,' he says. 'Gossoon, + another shell iv malt, an' dhraw it more slow,' he says. 'I am an English + gintleman an' I know me rights,' he says. 'Dure or window,' says Willum. + 'Take ye'er choice,' he says. 'If ye insist,' says th' Cap, 'I'll take th' + dure,' he says, 'but ye don't know th' customs iv civilization,' he says; + an' th' hired man just grazed him on th' dure sthep. + </p> + <p> + “Well, Willum Waldorf Asthor was that mad, he wint down to his pa-aper + office, an' says he, 'I want to put in an item,' he says, an' he put it + in. 'It is wished,' he says, 'to be apprihinded,' he says, 'be those + desirous not to have been misinformed,' he says, 'concarnin' th' recent + appearance iv Cap Sir Mills at me party,' he says, 'that 'twas not be me + that said Cap Sir Mills come to be on th' site,' he says, 'but rather,' he + says, 'through a desire on th' part iv Cap Sir Mills to butt into a party + to which his invitation was lost about three hours befure 'twas written,' + he says.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, now, ye'd think that was all right, wudden't ye? Ye'd say Asthor + acted mild whin he didn't take down his goold ice pick from th' wall an' + bate th' Cap over th' head. Th' Cap, though a ganial soul, had no business + there. 'Twas Willum Waldorf Asthor that paid f'r the ice cream an' rented + th' chiny. But that's where ye'd be wrong, an' that's where I was wrong. + Whin th' Prince iv Wales heerd iv it he was furyous. 'What,' he says, 'is + an English gintleman goin' to be pegged out iv dures be a mere American be + descent?' he says. 'A man,' he says, 'that hasn't an entail to his name,' + he says. 'An American's home in London is an Englishman's castle,' he + says. 'As th' late Earl iv Pitt said, th' furniture may go out iv it, th' + constable may enther, th' mortgage may fall on th' rooned roof, but a + thrue Englishman'll niver leave,' he says, 'while they'se food an' + dhrink,' he says. 'Willum Waldorf Asthor has busted th' laws iv + hospitality, an' made a monkey iv a lile subjick iv th' queen,' he says. + 'Hinceforth,' he says, 'he's ast to no picnics iv th' Buckingham Palace + Chowder Club,' he says. An' th' nex' day Willum Waldorf Asthor met him at + th' races where he was puttin' down a bit iv money an' spoke to him, an' + th' Prince iv Wales gave him wan in th' eye. He must've had something in + his hand, f'r the pa-aper said he cut him. P'raps 'twas his scipter. An' + now no wan'll speak to Willum Waldorf Asthor, an' he's not goin' to be a + jook at all, an' he may have to come back here an' be nachurlized over + again like a Bohamian. He's all broke up about it. He's gone to Germany to + take a bath.” + </p> + <p> + “Lord, help us,” said Mr. Hennessy, “can't he get wan nearer home?” + </p> + <p> + “It seems not,” said Mr. Dooley. “Mebbe the Prince iv Wales has had th' + wather cut off. He has a big pull with th' people in th' city hall.” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0028" id="link2H_4_0028"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + DOINGS OF ANARCHISTS + </h2> + <p> + “Why should anny man want to kill a king?” said Mr. Dooley. “That's what + I'd like to know. Little gredge have I again' anny monarch in th' deck. + Live an' let live's me motto. Th' more ye have in this wurruld th' less ye + have. Make in wan place, lose in another's th' rule, me boy. Little joy, + little sorrow. Takin' it all an' all I'd rather be where I am thin on a + throne, an' be th' look iv things I'll have me wish. 'Tis no aisy job + bein' a king barrin' th' fact that ye don't have to marry th' woman iv + ye'er choice but th' woman iv somebody else's. 'Tis like takin' a + conthract an' havin' th' union furnish th' foreman an' th' mateeryal. Thin + if th' wurruk ain't good a wild-eyed man fr'm Paterson, Noo Jarsey, laves + his monkey an' his hand organ an' takes a shot at ye. Thank th' Lord I'm + not so big that anny man can get comfort fr'm pumpin' a Winchester at me + fr'm th' top iv a house.” + </p> + <p> + “But if I was king ne'er an organ grinder'd get near enough me to take me + life with a Hotchkiss gun. I'd be so far away fr'm the multitood, + Hinnissy, that they cud on'y distinguish me rile features with a + spy-glass. I'd have polismen at ivry tur-rn, an' I'd have me subjicks + retire to th' cellar whin I took me walk. Divvle a bit wud you catch me + splattherin' mesilf with morthar an' stickin' newspapers in a hole in a + corner shtone to show future gin'rations th' progress iv crime in this + cinchry. They'd lay their own corner-shtone f'r all iv me. I'd communicate + with th' pop'lace be means iv ginral ordhers, an' I'd make it a thing + worth tellin' about to see th' face iv th' gr-reat an' good King Dooley.” + </p> + <p> + “Kings is makin' thimsilves too common. Nowadays an arnychist dhrops into + a lunch-room at th' railroad depot an' sees a man settin' on a stool atin' + a quarther section iv a gooseb'ry pie an' dhrinkin' a glass iv buttermilk. + 'D'ye know who that is?' says th' lunch-counter lady. 'I do not,' says th' + arnychist, 'but be th' look iv him he ain't much.' 'That's th' king,' says + th' lady. 'Th' king, is it,' says th' arnychist. 'Thin here's f'r wan king + less,' he says, an' 'tis all over. A king ought to be a king or he + oughtn't. He don't need to be a good mixer. If he wants to hang on he must + keep out iv range. 'Tis th' kings an' queens that thrusts so much in th' + lilety iv their people that they live in summer resort hotels an' go out + walkin' with a dog that's hurted. Th' on'y person that ought to be able to + get near enough a rale king to kill him is a jook, or th' likes iv that. + Th' idee iv a man from Noo Jarsey havin' th' chanst!” + </p> + <p> + {Illustration} + </p> + <p> + “What on earth's to be done about thim arnychists?” Mr. Hennessy asked. + “What ails thim annyhow? What do they want?” + </p> + <p> + “Th' Lord on'y knows,” said Mr. Dooley. + </p> + <p> + “They don't want annything, that's what they want. They want peace on + earth an' th' way they propose to get it is be murdhrin' ivry man that + don't agree with thim. They think we all shud do as they please. They're + down on th' polis foorce an' in favor iv th' pop'lace, an' whin they've + kilt a king they call on th' polis to save thim fr'm th' mob. An' between + you an' me, Hinnissy, ivry arnychist I've knowed, an' I've met manny in me + time, an' quite, law-abidin' citizens they was, too, had th' makin' iv a + thradeejan in him. If they was no newspapers they'd be few arnychists. + They want to get their pitchers in th' pa-apers an' they can't do it be + wheelin' bananas through th' sthreets or milkin' a cow, so they go out an' + kill a king. I used to know a man be th' name iv Schmitt that was a + cobbler be profession an' lived next dure but wan to me. He was th' + dacintist man ye iver see. He kep' a canary bur-rd, an' his devotion to + his wife was th' scandal iv th' neighborhood. But bless my soul, how he + hated kings. He cudden't abide Cassidy afther he heerd he was a dayscinded + fr'm th' kings iv Connock, though Cassidy was what ye call a prolotoorio + or a talkin' workin'man. An' th' wan king he hated above all others was + th' king iv Scholizwig-Holstein, which was th' barbarous counthry he come + fr'm. He cud talk fairly dacint about other kings, but this wan—Ludwig + was his name an' I seen his pitcher in th' pa-apers wanst—wud throw + him into a fit. He blamed ivrything that happened to Ludwig. If they was a + sthrike he charged it to Ludwig. If Schwartzmeister didn't pay him f'r + half-solin' a pair iv Congress gaiters he used to wear in thim days, he + tied a sthring arround his finger f'r to remind him that he had to kill + Ludwig. 'What have ye again' th' king?' says I. 'He is an opprissor iv th' + poor,' he says. 'So ar-re ye,' I says, 'or ye'd mend boots free.' 'He's + explodin' th' prolotoorio,' he says. 'Sure,' says I, 'th' prolotoorio can + explode thimsilves pretty well,' says I. 'He oughtn't to be allowed to + live in luxury while others starve,' he says. 'An' wud ye be killin' a man + f'r holdin' a nice job?' says I. 'What good wud it do ye?' says I. 'I'd be + th' emancipator iv th' people,' says he. 'Ye'd have th' wurred on th' + coffin lid,' says I. 'Why,' says he, 'think iv me, Schmitt, Owgoost + Schmitt, stalkin' forth to avinge th' woes iv th' poor,' he says. + 'Loodwig, th' cursed, goes by. I jumps fr'm behind a three an' society is + freed fr'm th' monsther,' he says. 'Think iv th' glory iv it,' he says. + 'Owgoost Schmitt, emancipator,' he says. 'I'll prove to Mary Ann that I'm + a man,' he says. Mary Ann was his wife. Her maiden name was Riley. She + heard him say it. 'Gus,' says she, 'if iver I hear iv ye shootin' e'er a + king I'll lave ye,' she says.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, sir, I thought he was jokin', but be hivins, wan day he + disappeared, an' lo an' behold, two weeks afther I picks up a pa-aper an' + r-reads that me brave Schmitt was took up be th' polis f'r thryin' to cop + a monarch fr'm behind a three. I sint him a copy iv a pa-aper with his + pitcher in it, but I don't know if iver he got it. He's over there now an' + his wife is takin' in washin'.” + </p> + <p> + “It's vanity that makes arnychists, Hinnissy—vanity an' th' habits + kings has nowadays iv bein' as common as life insurance agents.” + </p> + <p> + “I don't like kings,” said Mr. Hennessy, “but I like arnychists less. They + ought to be kilt off as fast as they're caught.” + </p> + <p> + “They'll be that,” said Mr. Dooley. “But killin' thim is like wringin' th' + neck iv a mickrobe.” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0029" id="link2H_4_0029"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + ANGLO-AMERICAN SPORTS + </h2> + <p> + “Hinnissy, if iver we have war with what me frind Carl Schurz'd call th' + Mother County, it'll not come fr'm anny Vinnyzwalan question. Ye can't get + me excited over th' throbbin' debate on th' location iv th' Orynocoo River + or whether th' miners that go to Alaska f'r goold ar're buried be th' + Canajeen or th' American authorities. Ye bet ye can't. But some day we'll + be beat in a yacht r-race or done up at futball an' thin what Hogan call + th' dogs iv war'll break out iv th' kennel an' divastate th' wurruld.” + </p> + <p> + “Well,” said Mr. Hennessy, complacently, “if we wait f'r that we might as + well disband our navy.” + </p> + <p> + “I dinnaw about that,” said Mr. Dooley, “I dinnaw abut that; afther ye + left to investigate th' ir'n foundhries an' other pitcheresque roons iv + this misguided counthry, I wint out to give a few raw rahs f'r me fellow + colleejens, who was attimptin' to dimonsthrate their supeeryority over th' + effete scholars iv England at what I see be th' pa-apers is called th' + Olympian games. Ye get to th' Olympian games be suffocation in a tunnel. + Whin ye come to, ye pay four shillin's or a dollar in our degraded + currency, an' stand in th' sun an' look at th' Prince iv Wales. Th' Prince + iv Wales looks at ye, too, but he don't see ye.” + </p> + <p> + “Me frind, th' American ambassadure was there, an' manny iv th' seats iv + larnin' in th' gran' stand was occupied be th' flower iv our seminaries iv + meditation or thought conservatories. I r-read it in th' pa-apers. At th' + time I come in they was recitin' a pome fr'm th' Greek, to a + thoughtful-lookin' young profissor wearin' th' star-spangled banner f'r a + necktie an' smokin' a cigareet. 'Now, boys,' says th' profissor, 'all + together.' 'Rickety, co-ex, co-ex, hullabaloo, bozoo, bozoo, Harvard,' + says th' lads. I was that proud iv me belovid counthry that I wanted to + take off me hat there an' thin an' give th' colledge yell iv th' Ar-rchey + road reform school. But I was resthrained be a frind iv mine that I met + comin' over. He was fr'm Matsachoosetts, an' says he: 'Don't make a + disturbance,' he says. 'We've got to create a fav'rable impression here,' + he says, 'Th' English,' he says, 'niver shows enthusyasm,' he says. 'Tis + regarded as unpolite,' he says. 'If ye yell,' he says, 'they'll think we + want to win,' he says, 'an' we didn't come over here to win,' he says. + 'Let us show thim,' he says, 'that we're gintlemen, be it iver so + painful,' he says. An' I resthrained mesilf be puttin' me fist in me + mouth.” + </p> + <p> + {Illustration} + </p> + <p> + “They was an Englishman standin' behind me, Hinnissy, an' he was a model + iv behaviour f'r all Americans intindin' to take up their homes in Cubia. + Ye cudden't get this la-ad war-rmed up if ye built a fire undher him. He + had an eye-glass pinned to his face an' he niver even smiled whin a young + gintleman fr'm Harvard threw a sledge hammer wan mile, two inches. A fine + la-ad, that Harvard man, but if throwin' th' hammer's spoort, thin th' + rowlin' mills is th' athletic cintre iv our belovid counthry. Whin an + Englishman jumped further thin another la-ad, me frind th' Ice-box, says + he: 'H'yah, h'yah!' So whin an American la-ad lept up in th' air as though + he'd been caught be th' anchor iv a baloon, I says: 'H'yah, h'yah!' too. + Whin a sign iv th' effete aristocracy iv England done up sivral + free-bor-rn Americans fr'm Boston in a fut r-race, me frind the Farthest + North, he grabs his wan glass eye an' says he: 'Well r-run, Cambridge!' he + says; 'Well r-run,' he says. An' 'Well r-run, whativer colledge ye're + fr'm,' says I, whin wan iv our la-ads jumped over a fence ahead iv some + eager but consarvative English scholars.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, like a good game, it come three an' three. Three times had victhry + perched upon our banner an' thrice—I see it in th' pa-aper—had + th' flag iv th' mother counthry proclaimed that Englishmen can r-run. It + was thryin' on me narves an' I wanted to yell whin th' tie was r-run off + but th' man fr'm Matsachoosetts says: 'Contain ye'ersilf,' he says. 'Don't + allow ye'er frinzied American spirit to get away with ye'er manners,' he + says. 'Obsarve.' he says, 'th' ca'm with which our brother Anglo-Saxon + views th' scene,' he says. 'Ah!' he says, 'they're off an' be th' jumpin' + George Wash'nton, I bet ye that fellow fr'm West Newton'll make that + red-headed, long-legged, bread-ballasted Englishman look like thirty + cints. 'Hurroo,' he says. 'Go on, Harvard,' he says. 'Go on,' he says. + 'Rah, rah, rah,' he says. 'Ate him up, chew him up,' he says. 'Harvard!' + he says.” + </p> + <p> + “I looked ar-round at th' ca'm dispassyonate Englishman. He dhropped his + eye-glass so he cud see th' race an' he had his cane in th' air. 'Well + r-run,' he says. 'Well r-run, Cambridge,' he says. 'Pull him down,' he + says. 'Run over him,' he says. 'Thrip him up,' he says. 'They can't + r-run,' he says, 'except whin they're Ph'lipinos behind thim,' he says. + 'Well r-run,' he says, an' he welted th' man fr'm Matsachoosetts with his + cane. 'Be careful what ye're doin' there,' says th' Anglo-Saxon. 'If it + wasn't f'r th' 'liance I'd punch ye'er head off,' he says. 'An',' says th' + ca'm Englishman, 'if it wasn't f'r our common hurtage,' he says, 'I'd make + ye jump over th' gran' stand,' he says. 'Th' English always cud beat us + r-runnin',' says the sage iv Matsachoosetts. 'Th' Americans start first + an' finishes last,' says th' Englishman. An' I had to pull thim apart.” + </p> + <p> + “Whether it is that our American colleejans spinds too much iv their lung + power in provin' their devotion to what Hogan calls their Almy Matthers or + not, I dinnaw, but annyhow, we had to dhrag th' riprisintative iv our + branch iv th' Anglo-Saxon an' Boheemyan civilization in th' three-mile + race fr'm undher two thousand iv our cousins or brothers-in-law that was + ca'mly an' soberly, but hurridly an' noisily chargin' acrost th' thrack to + cheer their own man.” + </p> + <p> + “Me frind fr'm Matsachoosets was blue as we winded our way to th' + sthrangulation railway an' started back f'r home. 'I'm sorry,' he says, + 'to lose me timper,' he says, 'but,' he says, 'afther all th' pretinded + affection iv these people f'r us,' he says, 'an' afther all we've done f'r + thim in Alaska an'—an' ivrywhere,' he says, 'an' thim sellin' us + coal whin they might've sold it to th' Spanyards if th' Spanyards'd had + th' money,' he says, 'to see th' conduct iv that coarse an' brutal + Englishman—' 'Th' wan that won th' r-race?' says I. 'Yes,' he says. + 'No, I mean th' wan that lammed me with his cane,' he says. 'If it hadn't + been,' he says, 'that we're united,' he says, 'be a common pathrimony,' he + says, 'I'd've had his life,' he says. 'Ye wud so,' says I, 'an' ye're + r-right,' I says. 'If all th' la-ads enthered into th' r-races with th' + same spirit ye show now,' I says, 'th' English flag'd be dhroopin' fr'm + th' staff, an' Cyrus Bodley iv Wadham, Mass., 'd be paintin' th' stars an' + sthripes on th' Nelson monnymint,' I says. 'Whin we hated th' English,' I + says, 'an' a yacht r-race was li'ble to end in a war message fr'm the + prisidint, we used to bate thim,' I says. 'Now,' says I, 'whin we're + afraid to injure their feelin's,' I says, 'an' whin we 'pologise befure we + punch, they bate us,' I says. 'They're used to 'pologisin' with wan hand + an' punchin' with th' other,' I says. 'Th' on'y way is th' way iv me + cousin Mike,' I says. 'He was a gr-reat rassler an' whin he had a full + Nelson on th' foolish man that wint again him, he used to say, 'Dear me, + am I breakin' ye'er neck, I hope so.'” + </p> + <p> + “But th' Matsachoosetts man didn't see it that way. An' some time, I tell + ye, Hinnissy, an' Englishman'll put th' shot wan fut further than wan iv + our men th' Lord save us fr'm th' disgrace!—an' th' next day we'll + invade Canada.” + </p> + <p> + “We ought to do it, annyhow,” said Mr. Hennessy stoutly. + </p> + <p> + “We wud,” said Mr. Dooley, “if we were sure we cud lave it aftherwards.” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0030" id="link2H_4_0030"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + VOICES FROM THE TOMB + </h2> + <p> + “I don't think,” said Mr. Dooley, “that me frind Willum Jennings Bryan is + as good an orator as he was four years ago.” + </p> + <p> + “He's th' grandest talker that's lived since Dan'l O'Connell,” said Mr. + Hennessy. + </p> + <p> + “Ye've heerd thim all an' ye know,” said Mr. Dooley. “But I tell ye he's + gone back. D'ye mind th' time we wint down to th' Coleesyum an' he come + out in a black alapaca coat an' pushed into th' air th' finest wurruds ye + iver heerd spoke in all ye'er bor-rn days? 'Twas a balloon ascinsion an' + th' las' days iv Pompey an' a blast on th' canal all in wan. I had to hold + on to me chair to keep fr'm goin' up in th' air, an' I mind that if it + hadn't been f'r a crack on th' head ye got fr'm a dillygate fr'm + Westconsin ye'd 've been in th' hair iv Gin'ral Bragg. Dear me, will ye + iver f'rget it, th' way he pumped it into th' pluthocrats? 'I tell ye here + an' now,' he says, 'they'se as good business men in th' quite counthry + graveyards iv Kansas as ye can find in the palathial lunch-counthers iv + Wall street,' he says. 'Whin I see th' face iv that man who looks like a + two-dollar pitcher iv Napolyeon at Saint Heleena,' he says, 'I say to + mesilf, ye shall not—ye shall not'—what th' divvle is it ye + shall not do, Hinnissy?” + </p> + <p> + “Ye shall not crucify mankind upon a crown iv thorns,” said Mr. Hennessy. + </p> + <p> + “Right ye ar-re, I forgot,” Mr. Dooley went on. “Well, thim were his own + wurruds. He was young an' he wanted something an' he spoke up. He'd been a + rayporther on a newspaper an' he'd rather be prisidint thin write anny + longer f'r th' pa-aper, an' he made th' whole iv th' piece out iv his own + head. + </p> + <p> + “But nowadays he has tin wurruds f'r Thomas Jefferson an' th' rest iv th' + sage crop to wan f'r himsilf. 'Fellow-dimmycrats,' he says, 'befure goin' + anny farther, an' maybe farin' worse, I reluctantly accipt th' nommynation + f'r prisidint that I have caused ye to offer me,' he says, 'an' good luck + to me,' he says. 'Seein' th' counthry in th' condition it is,' he says, 'I + cannot rayfuse,' he says. 'I will now lave a subject that must be + disagreeable to manny iv ye an' speak a few wurruds fr'm th' fathers iv + th' party, iv whom there ar-re manny,' he says, 'though no shame to th' + party, f'r all iv that,' he says. 'Thomas Jefferson, th' sage iv + Monticello, says: “Ye can't make a silk purse out iv a sow's ear,” a + remark that will at wanst recall th' sayin' iv Binjamin Franklin, th' sage + iv Camden, that “th' fartherest way ar-round is th' shortest way acrost.” + Nawthin' cud be thruer thin that onliss it is th' ipygram iv Andhrew + Jackson, th' sage iv Syr-acuse, that “a bur-rd in th' hand is worth two in + th' bush.” What gran' wurruds thim ar-re, an' how they must torture th' + prisint leaders iv th' raypublican party. Sam'l Adams, th' sage iv Salem, + says: “Laugh an' the wurruld laughs with ye,” while Pathrick Hinnery, th' + sage iv Jarsey City, puts it that “ye shud always bet aces befure th' + dhraw.” Turnin' farther back into histhry we find that Brian Boru, th' + sage iv Munsther, said: “Cead mille failthé,” an' Joolyus Caesar, th' sage + iv Waukeesha, says, “Whin ye're in Rome, do th' Romans.” Nebuchedneezar—there's + a name f'r ye—th' sage iv I-dinnaw-where, says: “Ye can't ate ye'er + hay an' have it.” Solomon, th' sage iv Sageville, said, “Whin a man's + marrid his throubles begins,” an' Adam, th' sage iv Eden, put it that “A + snake in th' grass is worth two in th' boots.” Ye'll see be this, me good + an' thrue frinds, that th' voices fr'm th' tombs is united in wan gran' + chorus f'r th' ticket ye have nommynated. I will say no more, but on a + future occasion, whin I've been down in southern Injyanny, I'll tell ye + what th' sages an' fathers iv th' party in th' Ancient an' Hon'rable + Association iv Mound-Builders had to say about th' prisint crisis.'” + </p> + <p> + “'Tisn't Bryan alone, Mack's th' same way. They're both ancesther + worshippers, like th' Chinese, Hinnissy. An' what I'd like to know is what + Thomas Jefferson knew about th' throubles iv ye an' me? Divvle a wurrud + have I to say again' Thomas. He was a good man in his day, though I don't + know that his battin' av'rage 'd be high again' th' pitchin' iv these + times. I have a gr-reat rayspict f'r the sages an' I believe in namin' + sthreets an' public schools afther thim. But suppose Thomas Jefferson was + to come back here now an' say to himsilf: 'They'se a good dimmycrat up in + Ar-rchy road an' I think I'll dhrop in on him an' talk over th' issues iv + th' day.' Well, maybe he cud r-ride his old gray mare up an' not be kilt + be the throlley cars, an' maybe th' la-ads'd think he was crazy an' not + murdher him f'r his clothes. An' maybe they wudden't. But annyhow, suppose + he got here, an' afther he'd fumbled ar-round at th' latch—f'r they + had sthrings on th' dure in thim days—I let him in. Well, whin I've + injooced him to take a bowl iv red liquor—f'r in his time th' dhrink + was white—an' explained how th' seltzer comes out an' th' cash + raygisther wurruks, an' wather is dhrawn fr'm th' fassit, an' gas is + lighted fr'm th' burner, an' got him so he wud not bump his head again' + th' ceilin' ivry time th' beer pump threw a fit—afther that we'd + talk iv the pollytical situation.” + </p> + <p> + “'How does it go?' says Thomas. 'Well,' says I, 'it looks as though Ioway + was sure raypublican,' says I. 'Ioway?' says he. 'What's that?' says he. + 'Ioway,' says I, 'is a state,' says I. 'I niver heerd iv it,' says he. + 'Faith ye did not,' says I. 'But it's a state just th' same, an' full iv + corn an' people,' I says. 'An' why is it raypublican?' says he. 'Because,' + says I, 'th' people out there is f'r holdin' th' Ph'lippeens,' says I. + 'What th' divvle ar-re th' Ph'lippeens?' says he. 'Is it a festival,' says + he, 'or a dhrink?' he says. 'Faith, 'tis small wondher ye don't know,' + says I, 'f'r 'tis mesilf was weak on it a year ago,' I says. 'Th' + Ph'lippeens is an issue,' says I, 'an' islands,' says I, 'an' a public + nuisance,' I says. 'But,' I says, 'befure we go anny further on this + subject,' I says, 'd'ye know where Minnysota is, or Westconsin, or Utah, + or Californya, or Texas, or Neebrasky?' says I. 'I do not,' says he. 'D'ye + know that since ye'er death there has growed up on th' shore iv Lake + Mitchigan a city that wud make Rome look like a whistlin' station—a + city that has a popylation iv eight million people till th' census rayport + comes out?' I says. 'I niver heerd iv it,' he says. 'D'ye know that I can + cross th' ocean in six days, an' won't; that if annything doesn't happen + in Chiny I can larn about it in twinty-four hours if I care to know; that + if ye was in Wash'nton I cud call ye up be tillyphone an ye'er wire'd be + busy?' I says. 'I do not,' says Thomas Jefferson. 'Thin,' says I, 'don't + presume to advise me,' I says, 'that knows these things an' manny more,' I + says. 'An' whin ye go back where ye come fr'm an' set down with th' rest + iv th' sages to wondher whether a man cud possibly go fr'm Richmond to + Boston in a week, tell thim,' I says, 'that in their day they r-run a + corner grocery an' to-day,' says I, 'we're op'ratin' a sixteen-story + department store an' puttin' in ivrything fr'm an electhric lightin' plant + to a set iv false teeth,' I says. An' I hist him on his horse an' ask a + polisman to show him th' way home.” + </p> + <p> + “Be hivins, Hinnissy, I want me advice up-to-date, an' whin Mack an' + Willum Jennings tells me what George Wash'nton an' Thomas Jefferson said, + I says to thim: 'Gintlemen, they larned their thrade befure th' days iv + open plumbin',' I says. 'Tell us what is wanted ye'ersilf or call in a + journeyman who's wurrukin' card is dated this cinchry,' I says. 'An' I'm + r-right too, Hinnissy.'” + </p> + <p> + “Well,” said Mr. Hennessy, slowly, “those ol' la-ads was level-headed.” + </p> + <p> + “Thrue f'r ye,” said Mr. Dooley. “But undher th' new iliction laws ye + can't vote th' cimitries.” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0031" id="link2H_4_0031"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + <i>The</i> NEGRO PROBLEM + </h2> + <p> + “What's goin' to happen to th' naygur?” asked Mr. Hennessy. + </p> + <p> + “Well,” said Mr. Dooley, “he'll ayther have to go to th' north an' be a + subjick race, or stay in th' south an' be an objick lesson. 'Tis a har-rd + time he'll have, annyhow. I'm not sure that I'd not as lave be gently + lynched in Mississippi as baten to death in New York. If I was a black + man, I'd choose th' cotton belt in prifrince to th' belt on th' neck fr'm + th' polisman's club. I wud so.” + </p> + <p> + “I'm not so much throubled about th' naygur whin he lives among his + opprissors as I am whin he falls into th' hands iv his liberators. Whin + he's in th' south he can make up his mind to be lynched soon or late an' + give his attintion to his other pleasures iv composin' rag-time music on a + banjo, an' wurrukin' f'r th' man that used to own him an' now on'y owes + him his wages. But 'tis th' divvle's own hardship f'r a coon to step out + iv th' rooms iv th' S'ciety f'r th' Brotherhood iv Ma-an where he's been + r-readin' a pome on th' 'Future of th' Moke' an' be pursooed be a mob iv + abolitionists till he's dhriven to seek polis protection, which, Hinnissy, + is th' polite name f'r fracture iv th' skull. + </p> + <p> + “I was f'r sthrikin' off th' shackles iv th' slave, me la-ad. 'Twas thrue + I didn't vote f'r it, bein' that I heerd Stephen A. Douglas say 'twas + onconstitootional, an' in thim days I wud go to th' flure with anny man + f'r th' constitootion. I'm still with it, but not sthrong. It's movin' too + fast f'r me. But no matther. Annyhow I was f'r makin' th' black man free, + an' though I shtud be th' south as a spoortin' proposition I was kind iv + glad in me heart whin Gin'ral Ulyss S. Grant bate Gin'ral Lee an' th' rest + iv th' Union officers captured Jeff Davis. I says to mesilf, 'Now,' I + says, 'th' coon'll have a chanst f'r his life,' says I, 'an' in due time we + may injye him,' I says. + </p> + <p> + “An' sure enough it looked good f'r awhile, an' th' time come whin th' + occas'nal dollar bill that wint acrost this bar on pay night wasn't good + money onless it had th' name iv th' naygur on it. In thim days they was a + young la-ad—a frind iv wan iv th' Donohue boys—that wint to + th' public school up beyant, an' he was as bright a la-ad as ye'd want to + see in a day's walk. Th' larnin' iv him wud sind Father Kelly back to his + grammar. He cud spell to make a hare iv th' hedge schoolmasther, he was as + quick at figures as th' iddycated pig they showed in th' tint las' week in + Haley's vacant lot, and in joggerphy, asthronomy, algybbera, jommethry, + chimisthry, physiojnomy, bassoophly an' fractions, I was often har-rd put + mesilf to puzzle him. I heerd him gradyooate an' his composition was so + fine very few cud make out what he meant. + </p> + <p> + “I met him on th' sthreet wan day afther he got out iv school. 'What ar-re + ye goin' to do f'r ye'ersilf, Snowball,' says I—his name was Andhrew + Jackson George Wash'n'ton Americus Caslateras Beresford Vanilla Hicks, but + I called him 'Snowball,' him bein' as black as coal, d'ye see—I says + to him: 'What ar-re ye goin' to do f'r ye'ersilf?' I says. 'I'm goin' to + enther th' profission iv law,' he says, 'where be me acooman an' industhry + I hope,' he says, 'f'r to rise to be a judge,' he says, 'a congrissman,' + he says, 'a sinator,' he says, 'an' p'rhaps,' he says, 'a prisidint iv th' + United States,' he says. 'Theyse nawthin to prevint,' he says. 'Divvle a + thing,' says I. 'Whin we made ye free,' says I, 'we opened up all these + opporchunities to ye,' says I. 'Go on,' says I, 'an' enjye th' wealth an' + position conferred on ye be th' constitootion,' I says. 'On'y,' I says, + 'don't be too free,' I says. 'Th' freedom iv th' likes iv ye is a good + thing an' a little iv it goes a long way,' I says, 'an' if I ever hear iv + ye bein' prisidint iv th' United States,' I says, 'I'll take me + whitewashing' away fr'm ye'er father, ye excelsior hair, poached-egg eyed, + projiny iv tar,' I says, f'r me Anglo-Saxon feelin' was sthrong in thim + days. + </p> + <p> + “Well, I used to hear iv him afther that defindin' coons in th' polis + coort, an' now an' thin bein' mintioned among th' scatthrin' in + raypublican county con-vintions, an' thin he dhropped out iv sight. 'Twas + years befure I see him again. Wan day I was walkin' up th' levee smokin' a + good tin cint seegar whin a coon wearin' a suit iv clothes that looked + like a stained glass window in th' house iv a Dutch brewer an' a pop + bottle in th' fr-ront iv his shirt, steps up to me an' he says: 'How dy'e + do, Mistah Dooley,' says he. 'Don't ye know me—Mistah Hicks?' he + says. 'Snowball,' says I. 'Step inside this dureway,' says I, 'less + Clancy, th' polisman on th' corner, takes me f'r an octoroon,' I says. + 'What ar-re ye do-in'?' says I. 'How did ye enjye th' prisidincy?' says I. + He laughed an' told me th' story iv his life. He wint to practisin' law + an' found his on'y clients was coons, an' they had no assets but their + vote at th' prim'ry. Besides a warrant f'r a moke was the same as a + letther iv inthroduction to th' warden iv th' pinitinchry. Th' on'y thing + left f'r th' lawyer to do was to move f'r a new thrile an' afther he'd got + two or three he thought ol' things was th' best an' ye do well to lave bad + enough alone. He got so sick iv chicken he cudden't live on his fees an' + he quit th' law an' wint into journalism. He r-run 'Th' Colored + Supplimint,' but it was a failure, th' taste iv th' public lanin' more to + quadhroon publications, an' no man that owned a resthrant or theaytre or + dhrygoods store'd put in an adver-tisemint f'r fear th' subscribers'd see + it an' come ar-round. Thin he attimpted to go into pollytics, an' th' best + he cud get was carryin' a bucket iv wather f'r a Lincoln Club. He thried + to larn a thrade an' found th' on'y place a naygur can larn a thrade is in + prison an' he can't wurruk at that without committin' burglary. He started + to take up subscriptions f'r a sthrugglin' church an' found th' profission + was overcrowded. 'Fin'ly,' says he, ''twas up to me to be a porther in a + saloon or go into th' on'y business,' he says, 'in which me race has a + chanst,' he says. 'What's that?' says I. 'Craps,' says he. 'I've opened a + palachal imporyium,' he says, 'where,' he says, ''twud please me very + much,' he says, 'me ol' abolitionist frind,' he says, 'if ye'd dhrop in + some day,' he says, 'an' I'll roll th' sweet, white bones f'r ye,' he + says. ''Tis th' hope iv me people,' he says. 'We have an even chanst at + ivry other pursoot,' he says, 'but 'tis on'y in craps we have a shade th' + best iv it,' he says.” + </p> + <p> + “So there ye ar-re, Hinnissy. An' what's it goin' to come to, says ye? + Faith, I don't know an' th' naygurs don't know, an' be hivins, I think if + th' lady that wrote th' piece we used to see at th' Halsted Sthreet Opry + House come back to earth, she wudden't know. I used to be all broke up + about Uncle Tom, but cud I give him a job tindin' bar in this here liquor + store? I freed th' slave, Hinnissy, but, faith, I think' twas like + tur-rnin' him out iv a panthry into a cellar.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, they got to take their chances,” said Mr. Hennessy. “Ye can't do + annything more f'r thim than make thim free.” + </p> + <p> + “Ye can't,” said Mr. Dooley; “on'y whin ye tell thim they're free they + know we're on'y sthringin' thim.” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0032" id="link2H_4_0032"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + <i>The</i> AMERICAN STAGE + </h2> + <p> + “I've niver been much iv a hand f'r th' theaytre,” said Mr. Dooley. “Whin + I was a young man an' Crosby's Opry house was r-runnin' I used to go down + wanst in a while an' see Jawn Dillon throwin' things around f'r th' + amusemint iv th' popylace an' whin Shakespere was played I often had a + seat in th' gal'ry, not because I liked th' actin', d'ye mind, but because + I'd heerd me frind Hogan speak iv Shakespere. He was a good man, that + Shakespere, but his pieces is full iv th' ol' gags that I heerd whin I was + a boy. Th' throuble with me about goin' to plays is that no matther where + I set I cud see some hired man in his shirt sleeves argyin' with wan iv + his frinds about a dog fight while Romeo was makin' th' kind iv love ye + wuddent want ye'er daughter to hear to Juliet in th' little bur-rd cage + they calls a balcony. It must've been because I wanst knowed a man be th' + name iv Gallagher that was a scene painter that I cud niver get mesilf to + th' pint iv concedin' that th' mountains that other people agreed was + manny miles in th' distance was in no danger iv bein' rubbed off th' map + be th' coat-tails iv wan iv th' principal char-ackters. An' I always had + me watch out to time th' moon whin' twas shoved acrost th' sky an' th' + record breakin' iv day in th' robbers' cave where th' robbers don't dare + f'r to shtep on the rock f'r fear they'll stave it in. If day iver broke + on th' level th' way it does on th' stage 'twud tear th' bastin' threads + out iv what Hogan calls th' firmymint. Hogan says I haven't got th' + dhramatic delusion an' he must be r-right f'r ye can't make me believe + that twinty years has elapsed whin I know that I've on'y had time to pass + th' time iv day with th' bartinder nex' dure. + </p> + <p> + “Plays is upside down, Hinnissy, an' inside out. They begin with a full + statement iv what's goin' to happen an' how it's goin' to come out an' + thin ye're asked to forget what ye heerd an' be surprised be th' outcome. + I always feel like goin' to th' office an' gettin' me money or me + lithograph pass back afther th' first act. + </p> + <p> + “Th' way to write a play is f'r to take a book an' write it over hindend + foremost. They're puttin' all books on th' stage nowadays. Fox's 'Book iv + Martyrs' has been done into a three-act farce-comedy an'll be projooced be + Delia Fox, th' author, nex' summer. Webster's 'Onabridge Ditchnry' will be + brought out as a society dhrama with eight hundherd thousan' char-ackters. + Th' 'Constitution iv th' United States' (a farce) be Willum McKinley is + r-runnin' to packed houses with th' cillybrated thradeejan Aggynaldoo as + th' villain. In th' sixteenth scene iv th' last act they'se a naygur + lynchin'. James H. Wilson, th' author iv 'Silo an' Ensilage, a story f'r + boys,' is dhramatizin' his cillybrated wurruk an' will follow it with a + dhramatic version iv 'Sugar Beet Culture,' a farm play. 'Th' Familiar Lies + iv Li Hung Chang' is expicted to do well in th' provinces an' Hostetter's + Almanac has all dates filled, I undherstand th' bible'll be r-ready f'r + th' stage undher th'direction iv Einstein an' Opperman befure th' first iv + th' year. Some changes has been niciss'ry f'r to adapt it to stage + purposes, I see be th' pa-apers. Th' authors has become convinced that + Adam an' Eve must be carrid through th' whole play, so they have + considerably lessened th' time between th' creation an' th' flood an' have + made Adam an English nobleman with a shady past an' th' Divvle a Fr-rinch + count in love with Eve. They're rescued be Noah, th' faithful boatman who + has a comic naygur son.” + </p> + <p> + “I see be th' pa-aper th' stage is goin' to th' dogs what with it's + Sappho's an' th' like iv that,” said Mr. Hennessy. + </p> + <p> + “Well, it isn't what it used to be,” said Mr. Dooley, “in th' days whin + 'twas th' purpose iv th' hero to save th' honest girl from the clutches iv + th' villin in time to go out with him an' have a shell iv beer at th' + Dutchman's downstairs. In th' plays nowadays th' hero is more iv a villain + thin th' villain himsilf. He's th' sort iv a man that we used to heave + pavin' shtones at whin he come out iv th' stage dure iv th' Halsted + Sthreet Opry House. To be a hero ye've first got to be an Englishman, an' + as if that wasn't bad enough ye've got to have committed as many crimes as + th' late H. H. Holmes. If he'd been born in England he'd be a hero. Ye + marry a woman who swears an' dhrinks an' bets on th' races an' ye quarrel + with her. Th' r-rest iv th' play is made up iv hard cracks be all th' + char-ack-ters at each others' morals. This is called repartee be th' + learned, an' Hogan. Repartee is where I say: 'Ye stole a horse' an' ye + say: 'But think iv ye'er wife!' In Ar-rchy r-road 'tis called disordherly + conduct. They'se another play on where a man r-runs off with a woman + that's no betther thin she ought to be. He bates her an' she marries a + burglar. Another wan is about a lady that ates dinner with a German. He + bites her an' she hits him with a cabbage. Thin they'se a play about an + English gintleman iv th' old school who thries to make a girl write a + letter f'r him an' if she don't he'll tell on her. He doesn't tell an' so + he's rewarded with th' love iv th' heroine, an honest English girl out f'r + th' money.” + </p> + <p> + “Nobody's marrid in th' modhern play, Hinnissy, an' that's a good thing, + too, f'r annywan that got marrid wud have th' worst iv it. In th' ol' + times th' la-ads that announces what's goin' to happen in the first act, + always promised ye a happy marredge in th' end an' as ivrybody's lookin' + f'r a happy marredge, that held the aujeence. Now ye know that th' hero + with th' wretched past is goin' to elope with th' dhrunken lady an' th' + play is goin' to end with th' couples prettily divorced in th' centher iv + th' stage. 'Tis called real life an' mebbe that's what it is, but f'r me I + don't want to see real life on th' stage. I can see that anny day. What I + want is f'r th' spotless gintleman to saw th' la-ad with th' cigareet into + two-be-fours an' marry th' lady that doesn't dhrink much while th' + aujeence is puttin' on their coats.” + </p> + <p> + “Why don't they play Shakespere any more?” Mr. Hennessy asked. + </p> + <p> + “I undherstand,” said Mr. Dooley, “that they're goin' to dhramatize + Shakespere whin th' dhramatizer gets through with th' 'Report iv th' + Cinsus Department f'r 1899-1900.'” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0033" id="link2H_4_0033"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + TROUBLES OF A CANDIDATE + </h2> + <p> + “I wisht th' campaign was over,” said Mr. Dooley. + </p> + <p> + “I wisht it'd begin,” said Mr. Hennessy. “I niver knew annything so dead. + They ain't been so much as a black eye give or took in th' ward an' its + less thin two months to th' big day.” + </p> + <p> + “'Twill liven up,” said Mr. Dooley, “I begin to see signs iv th' good + times comin' again. 'Twas on'y th' other day me frind Tiddy Rosenfelt + opened th' battle mildly be insinuatin' that all dimmycrats was liars, + horse thieves an' arnychists. 'Tis thrue he apologized f'r that be + explainin' that he didn't mean all dimmycrats but on'y those that wudden't + vote f'r Mack but I think he'll take th' copper off befure manny weeks. A + ladin' dimmycratic rayformer has suggested that Mack though a good man f'r + an idjiot is surrounded be th' vilest scoundhrels iver seen in public life + since th' days iv Joolyus Caesar. Th' Sicrety iv th' Threeasury has + declared, that Mr. Bryan in sayin' that silver is not convartible be th' + terms iv th' Slatthry bankin' law iv 1870, an' th' sicond clause iv th' + threaty iv Gansville, has committed th' onpard'nable pollytical sin iv so + consthructin' th' facts as to open up th' possibility iv wan not knowin' + th' thrue position iv affairs, misundhersthandin' intirely. If he had him + outside he'd call him a liar. Th' raypublicans have proved that Willum + Jennings Bryan is a thraitor be th' letther written be Dr. Lem Stoggins, + th' cillybrated antithought agytator iv Spooten Duyvil to Aggynaldoo in + which he calls upon him to do nawthin' till he hears fr'm th' doc. Th' + letther was sint through th' postal authorities an' as they have + established no post-office in Aggynaldoo's hat they cudden't deliver it + an' they opened it. Upon r-readin' th' letther Horace Plog iv White Horse, + Minnesota, has wrote to Willum Jennings Bryan declarin' that if he (Plog) + iver went to th' Ph'lippeens, which he wud've done but f'r th' way th' + oats was sproutin' in th' stack, an' had been hit with a bullet he'd + ixpict th' Coroner to hold Bryan to th' gran' jury. This was followed be + th' publication iv a letther fr'm Oscar L. Swub iv East Persepalis, Ohio, + declarin' that his sister heerd a cousin iv th' man that wash'd buggies in + a livery stable in Canton say Mack's hired man tol' him Mack'd be hanged + befure he'd withdraw th' ar-rmy fr'm Cuba.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, I guess th' campaign is doin' as well as cud be ixpicted. I see be + th' raypublican pa-apers that Andhrew Carnegie has come out f'r Bryan an' + has conthributed wan half iv his income or five hundhred millyon dollars + to th' campaign fund. In th' dimmycratic pa-apers I r-read that Chairman + Jim Jones has inthercipted a letther fr'm the Prince iv Wales to Mack + congratulatin' him on his appintmint as gintleman-in-waitin' to th' queen. + A dillygation iv Mormons has started fr'm dimmycratic headquarthers to + thank Mack f'r his manly stand in favor iv poly-gamy an' th' raypublican + comity has undher con-sideration a letther fr'm long term criminals + advisin' their colleagues at large to vote f'r Willum Jennings Bryan, th' + frind iv crime.” + </p> + <p> + “In a few short weeks, Hinnissy, 'twill not be safe f'r ayether iv the + candydates to come out on th' fr-ront porch till th' waitin' dillygations + has been searched be a polisman. 'Tis th' divvle's own time th' la-ads + that r-runs f'r th' prisidincy has since that ol' boy Burchard broke loose + again' James G. Blaine. Sinitor Jones calls wan iv his thrusty hinchman to + his side, an' says he: 'Mike, put on a pig-tail, an' a blue shirt an' take + a dillygation iv Chinnymen out to Canton an' congratulate Mack on th' + murdher iv mission'ries in China. An',' he says, 'ye might stop off at + Cincinnati on th' way over an' arrange f'r a McKinley an' Rosenfelt club + to ilict th' British Consul its prisidint an' attack th' office iv th' + German newspaper,' he says. Mark Hanna rings f'r his sicrety an', says he: + 'Have ye got off th' letther fr'm George Fred Willums advisin' Aggynaldoo + to pizen th' wells?' 'Yes sir.' 'An' th' secret communication fr'm Bryan + found on an arnychist at Pattherson askin' him to blow up th' White + House?' 'It's in th' hands iv th' tyepwriter.' 'Thin call up an employmint + agency an' have a dillygation iv Jesuites dhrop in at Lincoln, with a + message fr'm th' pope proposin' to bur-rn all Protestant churches th' + night befure iliction.'” + </p> + <p> + “I tell ye, Hinnissy, th' candydate is kept mov-in'. Whin he sees a + dilly-gation pikin' up th' lawn he must be r-ready. He makes a flyin' leap + f'r th' chairman, seizes him by th' throat an' says: 'I thank ye f'r th' + kind sintimints ye have conveyed. I am, indeed, as ye have remarked, th' + riprisintative iv th' party iv manhood, honor, courage, liberality an' + American thraditions. Take that back to Jimmy Jones an' tell him to put it + in his pipe an' smoke it.' With which he bounds into th' house an' locks + the dure while th' baffled conspirators goes down to a costumer an' + changes their disguise. If th' future prisidint hadn't been quick on th' + dhraw he'd been committed to a policy iv sthranglin' all the girl babies + at birth.” + </p> + <p> + “No, 'tis no aisy job bein' a candydate, an' 'twud be no easy job if th' + game iv photygraphs was th' on'y wan th' candydates had to play. Willum + Jennings Bryan is photygraphed smilin' back at his smilin' corn fields, in + a pair iv blue overalls with a scythe in his hand borrid fr'm th' company + that's playin' 'Th' Ol' Homestead,' at th' Lincoln Gran' Opry House. Th' + nex' day Mack is seen mendin' a rustic chair with a monkey wrinch, Bryan + has a pitcher took in th' act iv puttin' on a shirt marked with th' union + label, an' they'se another photygraph iv Mack carryin' a scuttle iv coal + up th' cellar stairs. An' did ye iver notice how much th' candydates looks + alike, an' how much both iv thim looks like Lydia Pinkham? Thim wondherful + boardhin'-house smiles that our gifted leaders wears, did ye iver see + annythin' so entrancin'? Whin th' las' photygrapher has packed his ar-ms + homeward I can see th' gr-reat men retirin' to their rooms an' lettin' + their faces down f'r a few minyits befure puttin' thim up again in + curl-pa-apers f'r th' nex' day display. Glory be, what a relief 'twill be + f'r wan iv thim to raysume permanently th' savage or fam'ly breakfast face + th' mornin' afther iliction! What a raylief 'twill be to no f'r sure that + th' man at th' dure bell is on'y th' gas collector an' isn't loaded with a + speech iv thanks in behalf iv th' Spanish Gover'mint! What a relief to + snarl at wife an' frinds wanst more, to smoke a seegar with th' thrust + magnate that owns th' cider facthry near th' station, to take ye'er nap in + th' afthernoon undisthurbed be th' chirp iv th' snap-shot! 'Tis th' day + afther iliction I'd like f'r to be a candydate, Hinnissy, no matther how + it wint.” + </p> + <p> + “An' what's become iv th' vice-prisidintial candydates?” Mr. Hennessy + asked. + </p> + <p> + “Well,” said Mr. Dooley, “Th' las' I heerd iv Adly, I didn't hear + annythin', an' th' las' I heerd iv Tiddy he'd made application to th' + naytional comity f'r th' use iv Mack as a soundin' board.” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0034" id="link2H_4_0034"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + A BACHELOR'S LIFE + </h2> + <p> + “It's always been a wondher to me,” said Mr. Hennessy, “ye niver marrid.” + </p> + <p> + “It's been a wondher to manny,” Mr. Dooley replied haughtily. “Maybe if + I'd been as aisy pleased as most—an' this is not sayin' annything + again you an' ye'ers, Hinnisy, f'r ye got much th' best iv it—I + might be th' father iv happy childher an' have money in th' bank awaitin' + th' day whin th' intherest on th' morgedge fell due. 'Tis not f'r lack iv + opportunities I'm here alone, I tell ye that me bucko, f'r th' time was + whin th' sound iv me feet'd brings more heads to th' windies iv Ar-rchey + r-road thin'd bob up to see ye'er fun'ral go by. An' that's manny a wan.” + </p> + <p> + “Ah, well,” said Mr. Hennessy, “I was but jokin' ye.” His tone mollified + his friend, who went on: “To tell ye th' truth, Hinnissy, th' raison I + niver got marrid was I niver cud pick a choice. I've th' makin' iv an + ixcillint ol' Turk in me, to be sure, f'r I look on all the sect as + iligeable f'r me hand an' I'm on'y resthrained fr'm r-rentin' Lincoln Park + f'r a home an' askin' thim all to clave on'y to me, be me nachral modesty + an' th' laws iv th' State iv Illinye. 'Twas always so with me an' I think + it is so with most men that dies bachelors. Be r-readin' th' pa-apers ye'd + think a bachelor was a man bor-rn with a depraved an' parvarse hathred iv + wan iv our most cherished institootions, an' anti-expansionist d'ye mind. + But'tis no such thing. A bachelor's a man that wud extind his benificint + rule over all th' female wurruld, fr'm th' snow-capped girls iv Alaska to + th' sunny eileens iv th' Passyfic. A marrid man's a person with a limited + affection—a protictionist an' anti-expansionist, a mugwump, be + hivins. 'Tis th' bachelor that's keepin' alive th' rivrince f'r th' sect. + </p> + <p> + “Whin I was a young man, ye cud search fr'm wan end iv th' town to th' + other f'r me akel with th' ladies. Ye niver see me in them days, but 'twas + me had a rogue's eye an' a leg far beyant th' common r-run iv props. I cud + dance with th' best iv thim, me voice was that sthrong 'twas impossible to + hear annywan else whin I sung 'Th' Pretty Maid Milkin' th' Cow,' an' I was + dhressed to kill on Sundahs. 'Twas thin I bought th' hat ye see me wear at + th' picnic. 'Twas 'Good mornin', Misther Dooley, an' will ye come in an' + have a cup iv tay,' an' 'How d'ye do Misther Dooley, I didn't see ye at + mass this mornin',' an' 'Martin, me boy, dhrop in an' take a hand at + forty-fives. Th' young ladies has been ask in' me ar-re ye dead.' I was + th' pop'lar idol, ye might say, an' manny's th' black look I got over th' + shouldher at picnic an' wake. But I minded thim little. If a bull again me + come fr'm th' pope himsilf in thim days whin me heart was high, I'd tuck + it in me pocket an' say: 'I'll r-read it whin I get time.'” + </p> + <p> + “Well, I'd take one iv th' girls out in me horse an' buggy iv a Sundah an' + I'd think she was th' finest in th' wurruld an' I'd be sayin' all kinds iv + jokin' things to her about marredge licenses bein' marked down on account + iv th' poor demand an' how th' parish priest was thinkin' iv bein' + thransferred to a parish where th' folks was more kindly disposed to each + other an' th' likes iv that, whin out iv th' corner iv me eye I'd see + another girl go by, an' bless me if I cud keep th' lid iv me r-right eye + still or hold me tongue fr'm such unfortchnit remark as: 'That there Molly + Heaney's th' fine girl, th' fine, sthrappin' girl, don't ye think so?' + Well, ye know, afther that I might as well be dhrivin' an ice wagon as a + pleasure rig; more thin wanst I near lost th' tip iv me nose in th' jamb + iv th' dure thryin' to give an affictshionate farewell. An' so it wint on, + till I got th' repytation iv a flirt an' a philandhrer f'r no raison at + all, d'ye mind, but me widespread fondness. I like thim all, dark an' + light, large an' small, young an' old, marrid an' single, widdied an' + divorced, an' so I niver marrid annywan. But ye'll find me photygraft in + some albums an' me bills in more thin wan livery stable.” + </p> + <p> + “I think marrid men gets on th' best f'r they have a home an' fam'ly to + lave in th' mornin' an' a home an' fam'ly to go back to at night; that + makes thim wurruk. Some men's domestic throubles dhrives thim to dhrink, + others to labor. Ye r-read about a man becomin' a millyonaire an' ye think + he done it be his own exertions whin 'tis much again little 'twas th' fear + iv comin' home impty handed an' dislike iv stayin' ar-round th' house all + day that made him rich. Misther Standard Ile takes in millyons in a year + but he might be playin' dominoes in an injine house if it wasn't f'r Mrs. + Standard Ile. 'Tis th' thought iv that dear quiet lady at home, in her + white cap with her ca'm motherly face, waitin' patiently f'r him with a + bell-punch that injooces him to put a shtick iv dinnymite in somebody + else's ile well an' bury his securities whin th' assissor comes ar-round. + Near ivry man's property ought to be in wife's name an' most iv it is. + </p> + <p> + “But with a bachelor 'tis diff'rent. Ye an' I ar-re settin' here together + an' Clancy dhrops in. Clancy's wife's away an' he's out f'r a good time + an' he comes to me f'r it. A bachelor's f'r th' enjymint of his marrid + frinds' vacations. Whin Clancy's wife's at home an' I go to see him he + r-runs th' pail out in a valise, an' we take our criminal dhrink in th' + woodshed. Well, th' three iv us sits here an' pass th' dhrink an' sing our + songs iv glee till about ilivin o'clock; thin ye begin to look over ye'er + shouldher ivry time ye hear a woman's voice an' fin'lly ye get up an' yawn + an' dhrink ivrything on th' table an' gallop home. Clancy an' I raysume + our argymint on th' Chinese sityation an' afterwards we carol together me + singin' th' chune an' him doin' a razor edge tinor. Thin he tells me how + much he cares f'r me an' proposes to rassle me an' weeps to think how bad + he threats his wife an' begs me niver to marry, f'r a bachelor's life's + th' on'y wan, an' 'tis past two o'clock whin I hook him on a frindly + polisman an' sind him thrippin'—th' polisman—down th' sthreet. + All r-right so far. But in th' mornin' another story. If Clancy gets home + an' finds his wife's rayturned fr'm th' seaside or th' stock yards, or + whereiver'tis she's spint her vacation, they'se no r-rest f'r him in th' + mornin'. His head may sound in his ears like a automobill an' th' look iv + an egg may make his knees thremble, but he's got to be off to th' + blacksmith shop, an' hiven help his helper that mornin'. So Clancy's + gettin' r-rich an' puttin' a coopoly on his house.” + </p> + <p> + “But with me 'tis diff'rent. Whin Phibbius Apollo as Hogan calls th' sun, + raises his head above th' gas house, I'm cuddled up in me couch an' + Morpus, gawd iv sleep, has a sthrangle holt on me. Th' alarm clock begins + to go off an' I've just sthrength enough to raise up an' fire it through + th' window. Two hours aftherward I have a gleam iv human intillygince an' + hook me watch out fr'm undher th' pillow. 'It's eight o'clock,' says I. + 'But is it eight in th' mornin' or eight in th' evenin'?' says I. 'Faith, + I dinnaw, an' divvle a bit care I. Eight's on'y a number,' says I. 'It + riprisints nawthin',' says I.” + </p> + <p> + “They'se hours enough in th' day f'r a free man. I'll turr-n over an' + sleep till eight-wan and thin I'll wake up refrished,' I says. 'Tis ilivin + o'clock whin me tired lids part f'r good an' Casey has been here to pay me + eight dollars an' findin' me not up has gone away f'r another year.” + </p> + <p> + “A marrid man gets th' money, Hinnissy, but a bachelor man gets th' sleep. + Whin all me marrid frinds is off to wurruk pound in' th' ongrateful sand + an' wheelin' th' rebellyous slag, in th' heat iv th' afthernoon, ye can + see ye'er onfortchnit bachelor frind perambulatin' up an' down th' shady + side iv th' sthreet, with an umbrelly over his head an' a wurrud iv cheer + fr'm young an' old to enliven his loneliness.” + </p> + <p> + “But th' childher?” asked Mr. Hennessy slyly. + </p> + <p> + “Childher!” said Mr. Dooley. “Sure I have th' finest fam'ly in th' city. + Without scandal I'm th' father iv ivry child in Ar-rchey r-road fr'm end + to end.” + </p> + <p> + “An' none iv ye'er own,” said Mr. Hennessy. + </p> + <p> + “I wish to hell, Hinnissy,” said Mr. Dooley savagely, “ye'd not lean + against that mirror, I don't want to have to tell ye again.” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0035" id="link2H_4_0035"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE EDUCATION OF THE YOUNG + </h2> + <p> + The troubled Mr. Hennessy had been telling Mr. Dooley about the difficulty + of making a choice of schools for Packy Hennessy, who at the age of six + was at the point where the family must decide his career. + </p> + <p> + “'Tis a big question,” said Mr. Dooley, “an' wan that seems to be worryin' + th' people more thin it used to whin ivry boy was designed f'r th' + priesthood, with a full undherstandin' be his parents that th' chances was + in favor iv a brick yard. Nowadays they talk about th' edycation iv th' + child befure they choose th' name. 'Tis: 'Th' kid talks in his sleep. 'Tis + th' fine lawyer he'll make.' Or, 'Did ye notice him admirin' that + photygraph? He'll be a gr-reat journalist.' Or, 'Look at him fishin' in + Uncle Tim's watch pocket. We must thrain him f'r a banker.' Or, 'I'm + afraid he'll niver be sthrong enough to wurruk. He must go into th' + church.' Befure he's baptized too, d'ye mind. 'Twill not be long befure + th' time comes whin th' soggarth'll christen th' infant: 'Judge Pathrick + Aloysius Hinnissy, iv th' Northern District iv Illinye,' or 'Profissor P. + Aloysius Hinnissy, LL.D., S.T.D., P.G.N., iv th' faculty iv Nothre Dame.' + Th' innocent child in his cradle, wondherin' what ails th' mist iv him an' + where he got such funny lookin' parents fr'm, has thim to blame that + brought him into th' wurruld if he dayvilops into a sicond story man + befure he's twinty-wan an' is took up be th' polis. Why don't you lade + Packy down to th' occylist an' have him fitted with a pair iv eyeglasses? + Why don't ye put goloshes on him, give him a blue umbrelly an' call him a + doctor at wanst an' be done with it?” + </p> + <p> + “To my mind, Hinnissy, we're wastin' too much time thinkin' iv th' future + iv our young, an' thryin' to larn thim early what they oughtn't to know + till they've growed up. We sind th' childher to school as if 'twas a + summer garden where they go to be amused instead iv a pinitinchry where + they're sint f'r th' original sin. Whin I was a la-ad I was put at me + ah-bee abs, th' first day I set fut in th' school behind th' hedge an' me + head was sore inside an' out befure I wint home. Now th' first thing we + larn th' future Mark Hannas an' Jawn D. Gateses iv our naytion is + waltzin', singin', an' cuttin' pitchers out iv a book. We'd be much + betther teachin' thim th' sthrangle hold, f'r that's what they need in + life.” + </p> + <p> + “I know what'll happen. Ye'll sind Packy to what th' Germans call a + Kindygartin, an' 'tis a good thing f'r Germany, because all a German knows + is what some wan tells him, an' his grajation papers is a certy-ficate + that he don't need to think anny more. But we've inthrajooced it into this + counthry, an' whin I was down seein' if I cud injooce Rafferry, th' + Janitor iv th' Isaac Muggs Grammar School, f'r to vote f'r Riordan—an' + he's goin' to—I dhropped in on Cassidy's daughter, Mary Ellen, an' + see her kindygartnin'. Th' childher was settin' ar-round on th' flure an' + some was moldin' dachshunds out iv mud an' wipin' their hands on their + hair, an' some was carvin' figures iv a goat out iv paste-board an' some + was singin' an' some was sleepin' an' a few was dancin' an' wan la-ad was + pullin' another la-ad's hair. 'Why don't ye take th' coal shovel to that + little barbaryan, Mary Ellen?' says I. 'We don't believe in corporeal + punishment,' says she. 'School shud be made pleasant f'r th' childher,' + she says. 'Th' child who's hair is bein' pulled is larnin' patience,' she + says, 'an' th' child that's pullin' th' hair is discovrin' th' footility + iv human indeavor,' says she. 'Well, oh, well,' says I, 'times has changed + since I was a boy,' I says. 'Put thim through their exercises,' says I. + 'Tommy,' says I, 'spell cat,' I says. 'Go to th' divvle,' says th' + cheerub. 'Very smartly answered,' says Mary Ellen. 'Ye shud not ask thim + to spell,' she says. 'They don't larn that till they get to colledge,' she + says, 'an'' she says, 'sometimes not even thin,' she says. 'An' what do + they larn?' says I. 'Rompin',' she says, 'an' dancin',' she says, 'an' + indepindance iv speech, an' beauty songs, an' sweet thoughts, an' how to + make home home-like,' she says. 'Well,' says I, 'I didn't take anny iv + thim things at colledge, so ye needn't unblanket thim,' I says. 'I won't + put thim through anny exercise today,' I says. 'But whisper, Mary Ellen,' + says I, 'Don't ye niver feel like bastin' th' seeraphims?' 'Th' teachin's + iv Freebull and Pitzotly is conthrary to that,' she says. 'But I'm goin' + to be marrid an' lave th' school on Choosdah, th' twinty-sicond iv + Janooary,' she says, 'an' on Mondah, th' twinty-first, I'm goin' to ask a + few iv th' little darlin's to th' house an',' she says, 'stew thim over a + slow fire,' she says. Mary Ellen is not a German, Hinnissy.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, afther they have larned in school what they ar-re licked f'r + larnin' in th' back yard—that is squashin' mud with their hands—they're + conducted up through a channel iv free an' beautiful thought till they're + r-ready f'r colledge. Mamma packs a few doylies an' tidies into son's bag, + an' some silver to be used in case iv throuble with th' landlord, an' th' + la-ad throts off to th' siminary. If he's not sthrong enough to look f'r + high honors as a middle weight pugilist he goes into th' thought + departmint. Th' prisidint takes him into a Turkish room, gives him a + cigareet an' says: 'Me dear boy, what special branch iv larnin' wud ye + like to have studied f'r ye be our compitint profissors? We have a chair + iv Beauty an' wan iv Puns an' wan iv Pothry on th' Changin' Hues iv the + Settin' Sun, an' wan on Platonic Love, an' wan on Nonsense Rhymes, an' wan + on Sweet Thoughts, an' wan on How Green Grows th' Grass, an' wan on' th' + Relation iv Ice to th' Greek Idee iv God,' he says. 'This is all ye'll + need to equip ye f'r th' perfect life, onless,' he says, 'ye intind bein' + a dintist, in which case,' he says, 'we won't think much iv ye, but we + have a good school where ye can larn that disgraceful thrade,' he says. + An' th' la-ad makes his choice, an' ivry mornin' whin he's up in time he + takes a whiff iv hasheesh an' goes off to hear Profissor Maryanna tell him + that 'if th' dates iv human knowledge must be rejicted as subjictive, how + much more must they be subjicted as rejictive if, as I think, we keep our + thoughts fixed upon th' inanity iv th' finite in comparison with th' + onthinkable truth with th' ondivided an' onimaginable reality. Boys ar-re + ye with me?'” + </p> + <p> + “That's at wan colledge-Th' Colledge iv Speechless Thought. Thin there's + th' Colledge iv Thoughtless Speech, where th' la-ad is larned that th' + best thing that can happen to annywan is to be prisident iv a railroad + consolidation. Th' head iv this colledge believes in thrainin' young men + f'r th' civic ideel, Father Kelly tells me. Th' on'y thrainin' I know f'r + th' civic ideel is to have an alarm clock in ye'er room on iliction day. + He believes 'young men shud be equipped with Courage, Discipline, an' + Loftiness iv Purpose;' so I suppose Packy, if he wint there, wud listen to + lectures fr'm th' Profissor iv Courage an' Erasmus H. Noddle, Doctor iv + Loftiness iv Purpose. I loft, ye loft, he lofts. I've always felt we + needed some wan to teach our young th' Courage they can't get walkin' home + in th' dark, an' th' loftiness iv purpose that doesn't start with bein' + hungry an' lookin' f'r wurruk. An' in th' colledge where these studies are + taught, its undhershtud that even betther thin gettin' th' civic ideel is + bein' head iv a thrust. Th' on'y trouble with th' coorse is that whin + Packy comes out loaded with loftiness iv purpose, all th' lofts is full iv + men that had to figure it out on th' farm.” + </p> + <p> + “I don't undherstand a wurrud iv what ye're sayin',” said Mr. Hennesy. + </p> + <p> + “No more do I,” said Mr. Dooley. “But I believe 'tis as Father Kelly says: + 'Childher shudden't be sint to school to larn, but to larn how to larn. I + don't care what ye larn thim so long as 'tis onpleasant to thim.' 'Tis + thrainin' they need, Hinnissy. That's all. I niver cud make use iv what I + larned in colledge about thrigojoomethry an'—an'—grammar an' + th' welts I got on th' skull fr'm the schoolmasther's cane I have nivver + been able to turn to anny account in th' business, but 'twas th' bein' + there and havin' to get things to heart without askin' th' meanin' iv thim + an' goin' to school cold an' comin' home hungry, that made th' man iv me + ye see befure ye.” + </p> + <p> + “That's why th' good woman's throubled about Packy,” said Hennessy. + </p> + <p> + “Go home,” said Mr. Dooley. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0036" id="link2H_4_0036"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + “L'AIGLON” + </h2> + <p> + “Hogan's been tellin' me iv a new play he r-read th' other day,” said Mr. + Dooley. “'Tis be th' same la-ad that wrote th' piece they played down in + th' Christyan Brothers' school last year about the man with th' big nose, + that wud dhraw a soord or a pome on e'er a man alive. This wan is called + 'The Little Eagle,' an' 'tis about th' son iv Napolyon th' Impror iv th' + Fr-rinch, th' first wan, not th' wan I had th' fight about in + Schwartzmeister's in eighteen hundhred an' siventy. Bad cess to that man, + he was no good. I often wondher why I shtud up f'r him whin he had hardly + wan frind in th' counthry. But I did, an' ye might say I'm a vethran iv + th' Napolyonic Wars. I am so. + </p> + <p> + “But th' first Napolyon was a diff'rent man, an' whin he died he left a + son that th' coorts tur-rned over to th' custody iv his mother, th' ol' + man bein' on th' island—th' same place where Gin'ral Crownjoy is + now. Tis about this la-ad th' play's written. He don't look to be much + account havin' a hackin' cough all through the piece, but down undherneath + he wants to be impror iv th' Fr-rinch like his father befure him, d'ye + mind, on'y he don't dare to go out f'r it f'r fear iv catchin' a bad cold + on his chist. Th' Austhreeches that has charge iv him don't like th' idee + iv havin' him know what kind iv man his father was. Whin he asks: 'Where's + pah?' They say: 'He died in jail.' 'What happened in 1805?' says th' boy. + 'In 1805,' says th' Austhreeches, 'th' bar-rn blew down.' 'In 1806?' says + th' boy. 'In 1806 th' chimney smoked.' 'Not so,' says th' prince. 'In 1806 + me father crossed th' Rhine an' up,' he says, 'th' ar-rmed camps he + marched to Augaspiel, to Lieberneck, to Donnervet. He changed his boots at + Mikelstraus an' down th' eagle swooped on Marcobrun,' he says. 'Me + gran'dad fled as flees th' hen befure th' hawk, but dad stayed not till + gran'pa, treed, besought f'r peace. That's what me father done unto me + gran'dad in eighteen six.' At this p'int he coughs but ye sees he knew + what was goin' on, bein' taught in secret be a lady iv th' stage fr'm whom + manny a la-ad cud larn th' truth about his father. + </p> + <p> + “Still he can't be persuaded f'r to apply f'r th' vacant improrship on + account iv his lungs, till wan day a tailor shows up to measure him f'r + some clothes. Th' tailor d'ye mind is a rivolutionist in disguise, an' has + come down fr'm Paris f'r to injooce th' young man to take th' vacancy. + 'Fourteen, six, thirty-three. How'll ye have th' pants made, Impror?' says + th' tailor. 'Wan or two hip pockets?' says he. + </p> + <p> + “'Two hips,' says young Napolyon. 'What do ye mean be that?'” he says. + </p> + <p> + “'Thirty-eight, siventeen, two sides, wan watch, buckle behind. All Paris + awaits ye, sire.'” + </p> + <p> + “'Make th' sleeves a little longer thin this,' says th' boy. 'An' fill out + th' shouldhers. What proof have I?'” + </p> + <p> + “'Wan or two inside pockets?' says th' tailor. 'Two insides. Hankerchief + pocket? Wan hankerchief. Th' pants is warn much fuller this year. Make + that twinty-eight instid iv twinty-siven,' he says. 'Paris shrieks f'r + ye,' he says. + </p> + <p> + “'Proof,' says th' la-ad. + </p> + <p> + “'They've named a perfume afther ye, a shirt waist, a paper collar, a five + cint seegar, a lot iv childer. Nay more, a breakfast dish christened f'r + ye is on ivry lip. Will I forward th' soot collect?' he says. + </p> + <p> + “'No, sind th' bill to me mother,' says th' boy. 'An' meet me in th' park + at tin,' he says. + </p> + <p> + “So 'tis planned to seize th' throne, but it comes to nawthin'.” + </p> + <p> + “Why's that?” asked Mr. Hennessy. + </p> + <p> + “F'r th' same reason that the Irish rivolution failed, th' polis stopped + it. Th' con-spirators met in th' park an' were nailed be a park polisman. + They didn't run in th' boy, but left him alone in th' place which was + where his father wanst fought a battle. As he shtands there coughin' he + begins to hear voices iv soops that followed th' ol' Impror. 'Comrade' + says wan. 'Give me ye'er hand.' 'I can't,' says another. 'I haven't wan + left.' 'Where's me leg?' 'Sarch me.' 'I've lost me voice.' 'Me mind is + shot away.' 'Reach me some wather.' 'Pass th' can.' 'A horse is settin' on + me chest.' 'What's that? They'se a batthry iv artillery on me.' 'I've + broke something. What is it?' 'I cannot move me leg.' 'Curses on the + Cavalry.' 'Have ye got th' time?' 'Oh me knee, how it aches me.' 'Ha ha. + Ha ha. Ha ha. Ha ha.' 'Veev, th' Impror.' 'Right about face, shouldher + ar-rms, right shouldher shift arms. March.' A harsh, metallic voice in the + distance: 'Gin-rals, leftnant Gin'rals, officers, sooz-officers, an' men—.' + 'Tis th' boy's father. Th' boy pulls out his soord an' says he: 'Come on, + let's fight. Play away there band. Blow fife and banners wave. Lave me at + thim. Come on, come on!' an' he rushes out an' makes a stab at an + Austhreech regimint that's come up to be dhrilled. Thin he undherstands + 'twas all a dhream with him an' he raysumes his ol' job. In th' next act + he dies.” + </p> + <p> + “That's a good act,” said Mr. Hennessy. + </p> + <p> + “'Tis fine. In Austhree where this happened whin a man dies ivrybody comes + in to see him. Ye meet a frind on th' sthreet an' he says: 'Come on over + an see Harrigan jump off.' So whin th' la-ad is r-ready f'r to go out ivry + body gathers in his room. 'Tis a fash'nable ivint, like th' Horse Show. + Among those prisint is his mother. She's a frivolous ol' loon, this Marie + Louisa, that was Napolyon's sicond wife, though between you an' me, Father + Kelly has niver reconized her as such, th' Impror havin' a wife livin' + that was as tough as they make thim. But annyhow she was there. She hadn't + done much f'r her son, but she come to see him off with siv'ral ladies + that loved him an' others. Bein' a busy an' fashn'able woman she cudden't + raymimber his name. At times she called him 'Frank' an' thin 'Fronzwah' + an' 'Fritz' an' 'Ferdynand'—'twas a name beginnin' with 'f' she knew + that—but he f'rgive her an' ast somewan to r-read to him. 'What + shall it be?' says a gin'ral. 'R-read about th' time I was christened,' + says th' boy. An' th' gin'ral r-reads: 'At iliven o'clock at th' church iv + Nothre Dame in th' prisince iv th' followin' princes—,' 'Cut out th' + princes,' says th' la-ad. 'An' kings—' 'F'rget th' kings,' says th' + lad. 'Th' son iv th' Impror—' 'He's dead,' says th' doctor. 'Put on + his white soot,' says th' Main Thing among th' Austhreeches that was again + him fr'm th' beginnin'. An' there ye ar-re.” + </p> + <p> + “Is that all?” asked Mr. Hennessy. + </p> + <p> + “That's all,” said Mr. Dooley. + </p> + <p> + “He died?” + </p> + <p> + “He did.” + </p> + <p> + “But he was sthrong r-right up to th' end.” + </p> + <p> + “He was that. None sthronger.” + </p> + <p> + “An' what?” asked Mr. Hennessy, “did they do with th' soot iv clothes he + ordhered fr'm th' tailor?” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0037" id="link2H_4_0037"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CASUAL OBSERVATIONS + </h2> + <p> + To most people a savage nation is wan that doesn't wear oncomf'rtable + clothes. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + Manny people'd rather be kilt at Newport thin at Bunker Hill. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + If ye live enough befure thirty ye won't care to live at all afther fifty. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + As Shakespere says, be thrue to ye'ersilf an' ye will not thin be false to + ivry man. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + Play actors, orators an' women ar-re a class be thimsilves. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + Among men, Hinnissy, wet eye manes dhry heart. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + Th' nearest anny man comes to a con-ciption iv his own death is lyin' back + in a comfortable coffin with his ears cocked f'r th' flatthrin' remarks iv + th' mourners. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + A fanatic is a man that does what he thinks th' Lord wud do if He knew th' + facts iv th' case. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + A millionyaire—or man out iv debt—wanst tol' me his dhreams + always took place in th' farm-house where he was bor-rn. He said th' + dhreamin' iv his life was th' on'y part that seemed real. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + 'Tis no job to find out who wrote an anonymous letter. Jus' look out iv + th' window whin ye get it. 'Tis harder to do evil thin good be stealth. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + A German's idee iv Hivin is painted blue an' has cast-iron dogs on th' + lawn. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + No man was iver so low as to have rayspict f'r his brother-in-law. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + Th' modhren idee iv governmint is 'Snub th' people, buy th' people, jaw + th' people.' + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + I wisht I was a German an' believed in machinery. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + A vote on th' tallysheet is worth two in the box. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + I care not who makes th' laws iv a nation if I can get out an injunction. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + An Englishman appears resarved because he can't talk. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + What China needs is a Chinese exclusion act. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + All th' wurruld loves a lover—excipt sometimes th' wan that's all + th' wurruld to him. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + A nation with colonies is kept busy. Look at England! She's like wan iv + th' Swiss bell-ringers. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + Th' paramount issue f'r our side is th' wan th' other side doesn't like to + have mintioned. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + If ye put a beggar on horseback ye'll walk ye'ersilf. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + It takes a sthrong man to be mean. A mean man is wan that has th' courage + not to be gin'rous. Whin I give a tip 'tis not because I want to but + because I'm afraid iv what th' waiter'll think. Russell Sage is wan iv + Nature's noblemen. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + An autocrat's a ruler that does what th' people wants an' takes th' blame + f'r it. A constitootional ixicutive, Hinnissy, is a ruler that does as he + dam pleases an' blames th' people. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + 'Tis as hard f'r a rich man to enther th' kingdom iv Hiven as it is f'r a + poor man to get out iv Purgatory. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + Evil communications corrupt good Ph'lippeens. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + Ivry man has his superstitions. If I look at a new moon over me shoulder I + get a crick in me neck. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + Thrust ivrybody—but cut th' ca-ards. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + If Rooshia wud shave we'd not be afraid iv her. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + Some day th' Ph'lippeens 'll be known as th' Standard Isles iv th' + Passyfic. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + A woman's sinse iv humor is in her husband's name. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + Most women ought niver to look back if they want a following. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + If ye dhrink befure siven ye'll cry befure iliven. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + A man that'd expict to thrain lobsters to fly in a year is called a + loonytic; but a man that thinks men can be tur-rned into angels be an + iliction is called a rayformer an' remains at large. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + Th' throuble with most iv us, Hinnissy, is we swallow pollytical idees + befure they're ripe an' they don't agree with us. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + Dhressmakers' bills sinds women into lithrachoor an' men into an early + decline. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + A bur-rd undher a bonnet is worth two on th' crown. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + People tell me to be frank, but how can I be whin I don't dare to know + mesilf? + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + People that talk loud an' offind ye with their insolence are usu'lly shy + men thryin' to get over their shyness. 'Tis th' quite, resarved, ca'm + spoken man that's mashed on himsilf. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + If men cud on'y enjye th' wealth an' position th' newspapers give thim + whin they're undher arrest! Don't anny but prominent clubman iver elope or + embezzle? + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + Miditation is a gift con-fined to unknown philosophers an' cows. Others + don't begin to think till they begin to talk or write. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + A good manny people r-read th' ol' sayin' “Larceny is th' sincerest form + iv flatthry.” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + Tis a good thing th' fun'ral sermons ar-re not composed in th' + confissional. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + Most vigitaryans I iver see looked enough like their food to be classed as + cannybals. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + I don't see why anny man who believes in medicine wud shy at th' faith + cure. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + Miracles are laughed at be a nation that r-reads thirty millyon newspapers + a day an' supports Wall sthreet. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + All men are br-rave in comp'ny an' cow'rds alone, but some shows it + clearer thin others. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + I'd like to tell me frind Tiddy that they'se a strenuse life an' a + sthrenuseless life. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + I'd like to've been ar-round in th' times th' historical novelists writes + about—but I wudden't like to be in th' life insurance business. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + I wondher why porthrait painters look down on phrenologists. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + Di-plomacy is a continyual game iv duck on th' rock—with France th' + duck. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + Whin we think we're makin' a gr-reat hit with th' wurruld we don't know + what our own wives thinks iv us. + </p> + <div style="height: 6em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's Mr. Dooley's Philosophy, by Finley Peter Dunne + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MR. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Mr. Dooley's Philosophy + +Author: Finley Peter Dunne + + +Release Date: April, 2005 [EBook #7976] +This file was first posted on June 8, 2003 +Last Updated: May 29, 2013 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MR. DOOLEY'S PHILOSOPHY *** + + + + +Produced by Juliet Sutherland, Marvin A. Hodges, Charles +Franks, and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + + + + + + +MR. DOOLEY'S PHILOSOPHY + +By Finley Peter Dunne + + +_Illustrated by_ F. OPPER. + + + +{Illustration: POOR PEOPLE 'LL HAVE SIMPLE MEALS.} + + + +_To the Hennessys of the world who suffer and are silent_ + + + + +PREFACE + + +The reporter of these monologues would apologize for the frequent +reappearances of Mr. Dooley, if he felt the old gentleman would +appreciate an apology in his behalf. But Mr. Dooley has none of the +modesty that has been described as "an invention for protection against +envy," because unlike that one of his distinguished predecessors who +discovered this theory to excuse his own imperfect but boastful egotism, +he recognizes no such human failing as envy. Most of the papers in the +present collection of the sayings of this great and learned man have +appeared in the press of America and England. This will account for the +fact that they deal with subjects that have pressed hard upon the minds +of newspaper readers, statesmen, and tax-payers during the year. +To these utterances have been added a number of obiter dicta by the +philosopher, which, perhaps, will be found to have the reminiscent +flavor that appertains to the observations of all learned judges when +they are off the bench. + +In some cases the sketches have been remodeled and care has been taken +to correct typographical blunders, except where they seemed to improve +the text. In this connection the writer must offer his profound +gratitude to the industrious typographer, who often makes two jokes grow +where only one grew before, and has added generously to the distress of +amateur elocutionists. + +F. P. D. + + + + + +CONTENTS + + +A BOOK REVIEW AMERICANS ABROAD SERVANT GIRL PROBLEM THE TRANSVAAL +WAR AND WAR MAKERS UNDERESTIMATING THE ENEMY THE WAR EXPERT MODERN +EXPLOSIVES THE BOER MISSION THE CHINESE SITUATION MINISTER WU THE FUTURE +OF CHINA PLATFORM MAKING THE YACHT RACES POLYGAMY PUBLIC FICKLENESS +KENTUCKY POLITICS YOUNG ORATORY PUBLIC GRATITUDE MARRIAGE AND POLITICS +ALCOHOL AS FOOD HIGH FINANCE THE PARIS EXPOSITION CHRISTIAN JOURNALISM +THE ADMIRAL'S CANDIDACY CUSTOMS OF KENTUCKY A SOCIETY SCANDAL DOINGS OF +ANARCHISTS ANGLO-AMERICAN SPORTS VOICES FROM THE TOMB THE NEGRO PROBLEM +THE AMERICAN STAGE TROUBLES OF A CANDIDATE A BACHELOR'S LIFE THE +EDUCATION OF THE YOUNG "L'AIGLON" CASUAL OBSERVATIONS + + + + +A BOOK REVIEW + + +"Well sir," said Mr. Dooley, "I jus' got hold iv a book, Hinnissy, that +suits me up to th' handle, a gran' book, th' grandest iver seen. Ye know +I'm not much throubled be lithrachoor, havin' manny worries iv me own, +but I'm not prejudiced again' books. I am not. Whin a rale good book +comes along I'm as quick as anny wan to say it isn't so bad, an' this +here book is fine. I tell ye 'tis fine." + +"What is it?" Mr. Hennessy asked languidly. + +"'Tis 'Th' Biography iv a Hero be Wan who Knows.' 'Tis 'Th' Darin' +Exploits iv a Brave Man be an Actual Eye Witness.' 'Tis 'Th' Account iv +th' Desthruction iv Spanish Power in th' Ant Hills,' as it fell fr'm th' +lips iv Tiddy Rosenfelt an' was took down be his own hands. Ye see 'twas +this way, Hinnissy, as I r-read th' book. Whin Tiddy was blowed up +in th' harbor iv Havana he instantly con-cluded they must be war. +He debated th' question long an' earnestly an' fin'lly passed a jint +resolution declarin' war. So far so good. But there was no wan to carry +it on. What shud he do? I will lave th' janial author tell th' story in +his own wurruds. + +"'Th' sicrety iv war had offered me,' he says, 'th' command of a +rig'mint,' he says, 'but I cud not consint to remain in Tampa while +perhaps less audacious heroes was at th' front,' he says. 'Besides,' +he says, 'I felt I was incompetent f'r to command a rig'mint raised be +another,' he says. 'I detarmined to raise wan iv me own,' he says. 'I +selected fr'm me acquaintances in th' West,' he says, 'men that had +thravelled with me acrost th' desert an' th' storm-wreathed mountain,' +he says, 'sharin' me burdens an' at times confrontin' perils almost as +gr-reat as anny that beset me path,' he says. 'Together we had faced th' +turrors iv th' large but vilent West,' he says, 'an' these brave men +had seen me with me trusty rifle shootin' down th' buffalo, th' elk, th' +moose, th' grizzly bear, th' mountain goat,' he says, 'th' silver man, +an' other ferocious beasts iv thim parts,' he says. 'An' they niver +flinched,' he says. 'In a few days I had thim perfectly tamed,' he says, +'an' ready to go annywhere I led,' he says. 'On th' thransport goi'n to +Cubia,' he says, 'I wud stand beside wan iv these r-rough men threatin' +him as a akel, which he was in ivrything but birth, education, rank +an' courage, an' together we wud look up at th' admirable stars iv that +tolerable southern sky an' quote th' bible fr'm Walt Whitman,' he says. +'Honest, loyal, thrue-hearted la-ads, how kind I was to thim,' he says." + +{Illustration: Read the articles by Roosevelt and Davis in the Car Fare +Magazine} + +"'We had no sooner landed in Cubia than it become nicessry f'r me to +take command iv th' ar-rmy which I did at wanst. A number of days was +spint be me in reconnoitring, attinded on'y be me brave an' fluent body +guard, Richard Harding Davis. I discovered that th' inimy was heavily +inthrenched on th' top iv San Juon hill immejiately in front iv me. At +this time it become apparent that I was handicapped be th' prisence iv +th' ar-rmy,' he says. 'Wan day whin I was about to charge a block house +sturdily definded be an ar-rmy corps undher Gin'ral Tamale, th' brave +Castile that I aftherwards killed with a small ink-eraser that I always +carry, I r-ran into th' entire military force iv th' United States lying +on its stomach. 'If ye won't fight,' says I, 'let me go through, 'I +says. 'Who ar-re ye?' says they. 'Colonel Rosenfelt,' says I. 'Oh, +excuse me,' says the gin'ral in command (if me mimry serves me thrue it +was Miles) r-risin' to his knees an' salutin'. This showed me 'twud be +impossible f'r to carry th' war to a successful con-clusion unless I +was free, so I sint th' ar-rmy home an' attackted San Juon hill. Ar-rmed +on'y with a small thirty-two which I used in th' West to shoot th' fleet +prairie dog, I climbed that precipitous ascent in th' face iv th' most +gallin' fire I iver knew or heerd iv. But I had a few r-rounds iv gall +mesilf an' what cared I? I dashed madly on cheerin' as I wint. Th' +Spanish throops was dhrawn up in a long line in th' formation known +among military men as a long line. I fired at th' man nearest to me an' +I knew be th' expression iv his face that th' trusty bullet wint home. +It passed through his frame, he fell, an' wan little home in far-off +Catalonia was made happy be th' thought that their riprisintative had +been kilt be th' future governor iv New York. Th' bullet sped on its mad +flight an' passed through th' intire line fin'lly imbeddin' itself in +th' abdomen iv th' Ar-rch-bishop iv Santiago eight miles away. This +ended th' war.' + +"'They has been some discussion as to who was th' first man to r-reach +th' summit iv San Juon hill. I will not attempt to dispute th' merits iv +th' manny gallant sojers, statesmen, corryspondints an' kinetoscope men +who claim th' distinction. They ar-re all brave men an' if they wish to +wear my laurels they may. I have so manny annyhow that it keeps me +broke havin' thim blocked an' irned. But I will say f'r th' binifit iv +Posterity that I was th' on'y man I see. An I had a tillyscope.'" + +"I have thried, Hinnissy," Mr. Dooley continued, "to give you a fair +idee iv th' contints iv this remarkable book, but what I've tol' ye is +on'y what Hogan calls an outline iv th' principal pints. Ye'll have to +r-read th' book ye'ersilf to get a thrue conciption. I haven't time f'r +to tell ye th' wurruk Tiddy did in ar-rmin' an' equippin' himself, how +he fed himsilf, how he steadied himsilf in battle an' encouraged himsilf +with a few well-chosen wurruds whin th' sky was darkest. Ye'll have to +take a squint into th' book ye'ersilf to l'arn thim things." + +"I won't do it," said Mr. Hennessy. "I think Tiddy Rosenfelt is all +r-right an' if he wants to blow his hor-rn lave him do it." + +"Thrue f'r ye," said Mr. Dooley, "an' if his valliant deeds didn't get +into this book 'twud be a long time befure they appeared in Shafter's +histhry iv th' war. No man that bears a gredge again' himsilf 'll iver +be governor iv a state. An' if Tiddy done it all he ought to say so +an' relieve th' suspinse. But if I was him I'd call th' book 'Alone in +Cubia.'" + + + + +AMERICANS ABROAD + + +"I wondher," said Mr. Dooley, "what me Dutch frind Oom Paul'll think +whin he hears that Willum Waldorf Asthor has given four thousan' pounds +or twinty thousan' iv our money as a conthribution to th' British +governmint?" + +"Who's Willum Waldorf Asthor?" Mr. Hennessy asked. "I niver heerd iv +him." + +"Ye wudden't," said Mr. Dooley. "He don't thravel in ye'er set. Willum +Waldorf Asthor is a gintleman that wanst committed th' sin iv bein' +bor-rn in this counthry. Ye know what orig-inal sin is, Hinnissy. Ye was +bor-rn with wan an' I was bor-rn with wan an' ivrybody was bor-rn with +wan. 'Twas took out iv me be Father Tuomy with holy wather first an' +be me father aftherward with a sthrap. But I niver cud find out what it +was. Th' sins I've committed since, I'm sure iv. They're painted red an' +carry a bell an' whin I'm awake in bed they stan' out on th' wall like +th' ilicthric signs they have down be State sthreet in front iv th' +clothin' stores. But I'll go to th' grave without knowin' exactly what +th' black orig-inal sin was I committed. All I know is I done wrong. +But with Willum Waldorf Asthor 'tis dif'rent. I say 'tis diff'rent with +Willum Waldorf Asthor. His orig-inal sin was bein' bor-rn in New York. +He cudden't do anything about it. Nawthin' in this counthry wud wipe +it out. He built a hotel intinded f'r jooks who had no sins but thim +iv their own makin', but even th' sight iv their haughty bills cud not +efface th' stain. He thried to live down his crime without success an' +he thried to live down to it be runnin' f'r congress, but it was no go. +No matther where he wint among his counthrymen in England some wan wud +find out he was bor-rn in New York an' th' man that ownded th' house +where he was spindin' th' night wud ast him if he was a cannibal an' had +he anny Indyan blood in his veins. 'Twas like seein' a fine lookin' +man with an intel-lecjal forehead an' handsome, dar-rk brown eyes an' +admirin' him, an' thin larnin' his name is Mudd J. Higgins. His accint +was proper an' his clothes didn't fit him right, but he was not bor-rn +in th' home iv his dayscindants, an' whin he walked th' sthreets iv +London he knew ivry polisman was sayin': 'There goes a man that pretinds +to be happy, but a dark sorrow is gnawin' at his bosom. He looks as if +he was at home, but he was bor-rn in New York, Gawd help him." + +{Illustration} + + +"So this poor way-worn sowl, afther thryin' ivry other rimidy fr'm +dhrivin' a coach to failin' to vote, at las' sought out th' rile high +clark iv th' coort an' says he: 'Behold,' he says, 'an onhappy man,' he +says. 'With millyons in me pocket, two hotels an' onlimited credit, 'he +says, 'me hear-rt is gray,' he says. 'Poor sowl,' says th' clark iv th' +coort, 'What's ailin' ye'?' he says. 'Have ye committed some gr-reat +crime?' he says. 'Partly,' says Willum Waldorf Asthor. 'It was partly +me an' partly me folks,' he says. 'I was,' he says, in a voice broken be +tears, 'I was,' he says, 'bor-rn in New York,' he says. Th' clark made +th' sign iv th' cross an' says he: 'Ye shudden't have come here,' he +says. 'Poor afflicted wretch,' he says, 'ye need a clargyman,' he +says. 'Why did ye seek me out?' he says. 'Because,' says Willum Waldorf +Asthor, 'I wish,' he says, 'f'r to renounce me sinful life,' he says. 'I +wish to be bor-rn anew,' he says. An' th' clark bein' a kind man helps +him out. An' Willum Waldorf Asthor renounced fealty to all foreign +sovereigns, princes an' potentates an' especially Mack th' Wanst, or +Twict, iv th' United States an' Sulu an' all his wur-ruks an' he come +out iv th' coort with his hat cocked over his eye, with a step jaunty +and high, afther years iv servile freedom a bondman at last! + +"So he's a citizen iv Gr-reat Britain now an' a lile subject iv th' +Queen like you was Hinnissy befure ye was r-run out." + +"I niver was," said Mr. Hennessy. "Sure th' Queen iv England was +renounced f'r me long befure I did it f'r mesilf--to vote." + +"Well, niver mind," Mr. Dooley continued, "he's a citizen iv England an' +he has a castle that's as big as a hotel, on'y nobody goes there excipt +thim that's ast, an' not all of those, an' he owns a newspaper an' th' +editor iv it's the Prince iv Wales an' th' rayporthers is all jooks an' +th' Archbishop iv Canterbury r-runs th' ilivator, an' slug wan in th' +printin' office is th' Impror iv Germany in disgeese. 'Tis a pa-per I'd +like to see. I'd like to know how th' Jook iv Marlbro'd do th' McGovern +fight. An' some day Willum Waldorf Asthor'll be able to wurruk f'r +his own pa-aper, f'r he's goin' to be a earl or a markess or a jook +or somethin' gran'. Ye can't be anny iv these things without money, +Hinnissy, an' he has slathers iv it." + +"Where does he get it?" demanded Mr. Hennessy. + +"F'rm this counthry," said Mr. Dooley. + +"I shud think," Mr. Hennessy protested stoutly, "if he's ashamed iv this +counthry he wudden't want to take money f'rm it." + +"That's where ye're wrong," Mr. Dooley replied. "Take money annywhere +ye find it. I'd take money f'rm England, much as I despise that formerly +haughty but now dejected land, if I cud get anny from there. An' whin ye +come down to it, I dinnaw as I blame Willum Waldorf Asthor f'r shiftin' +his allegiance. Ivry wan to his taste as th' man said whin he dhrank out +iv th' fire extinguisher. It depinds on how ye feel. If ye ar-re a tired +la-ad an' wan without much fight in ye, livin' in this counthry is +like thryin' to read th' Lives iv the Saints at a meetin' iv th' +Clan-na-Gael. They'se no quiet f'r annybody. They's a fight on ivry +minyit iv th' time. Ye may say to ye'ersilf: 'I'll lave these la-ads +roll each other as much as they plaze, but I'll set here in th' shade +an' dhrink me milk punch, but ye can't do it. Some wan 'll say, 'Look at +that gazabo settin' out there alone. He's too proud f'r to jine in our +simple dimmycratic festivities. Lave us go over an' bate him on th' +eye.' An' they do it. Now if ye have fightin' blood in ye'er veins ye +hastily gulp down yeer dhrink an' hand ye'er assailant wan that does him +no kind iv good, an' th' first thing ye know ye're in th thick iv it an' +its scrap, scrap, scrap till th' undhertaker calls f'r to measure ye. +An' 'tis tin to wan they'se somethin' doin' at th' fun'ral that ye're +sorry ye missed. That's life in America. Tis a gloryous big fight, a +rough an' tumble fight, a Donnybrook fair three thousan' miles wide an' +a ruction in ivry block. Head an' ban's an' feet an' th' pitchers on th' +wall. No holds barred. Fight fair but don't f'rget th' other la-ad may +not know where th' belt line is. No polisman in sight. A man's down with +twinty on top iv him wan minyit. Th' next he's settin' on th' pile usin' +a base-ball bat on th' neighbor next below him. 'Come on, boys, f'r +'tis growin' late, an' no wan's been kilt yet. Glory be, but this is th' +life!' + +"Now, if I'm tired I don't want to fight. A man bats me in th' eye an' +I call f'r th' polis. They isn't a polisman in sight. I say to th' +man that poked me: 'Sir, I fain wud sleep.' 'Get up,' he says, 'an' be +doin',' he says. 'Life is rale, life is earnest,' he says, 'an' man was +made to fight,' he says, fetchin' me a kick. An' if I'm tired I say, +'What's th' use? I've got plenty iv money in me inside pocket. I'll go +to a place where they don't know how to fight. I'll go where I can get +something but an argymint f'r me money an' where I won't have to rassle +with th' man that bates me carpets, ayether,' I says, 'f'r fifty cints +overcharge or good govermint,' I says. An' I pike off to what Hogan +calls th' effete monarchies iv Europe an' no wan walks on me toes, an' +ivry man I give a dollar to becomes an acrobat an' I live comfortably +an' die a markess! Th' divvle I do! + +"That's what I was goin' to say," Mr. Hennessy remarked. "Ye wudden't +live annywhere but here." + +"No," said Mr. Dooley, "I wudden't. I'd rather be Dooley iv Chicago than +th' Earl iv Peltvule. It must be that I'm iv th' fightin' kind." + + + + +SERVANT GIRL PROBLEM + + +Whin Congress gets through expellin' mimbers that believes so much in +mathrimony that they carry it into ivry relation iv life an' opens th' +dure iv Chiny so that an American can go in there as free as a Chinnyman +can come into this refuge iv th' opprissed iv th' wurruld, I hope'twill +turn its attintion to th' gr-reat question now confrontin' th' +nation--th' question iv what we shall do with our hired help. What shall +we do with thim? + +"We haven't anny," said Mr. Hennessy. + +"No," said Mr. Dooley. "Ar-rchey r-road has no servant girl problem. Th' +rule is ivry woman her own cook an' ivry man his own futman, an' be th' +same token we have no poly-gamy problem an' no open dure problem an' +no Ph'lippeen problem. Th' on'y problem in Ar-rchey r-road is how manny +times does round steak go into twelve at wan dollar-an-a-half a day. But +east iv th' r-red bridge, Hinnissy, wan iv th' most cryin' issues iv +th' hour is: What shall we do with our hired help? An' if Congress don't +take hold iv it we ar-re a rooned people." + +"'Tis an ol' problem an' I've seen it arise an' shake its gory head +ivry few years whiniver th' Swede popylation got wurruk an' begun bein' +marrid, thus rayjoocin' th' visible supply iv help. But it seems 'tis +deeper thin that. I see be letters in th' pa-apers that servants is +insolent, an' that they won't go to wurruk onless they like th' looks iv +their employers, an' that they rayfuse to live in th' counthry. Why anny +servant shud rayfuse to live in th' counthry is more thin I can see. +Ye'd think that this disreputable class'd give annything to lave +th' crowded tinimints iv a large city where they have frinds be th' +hundherds an' know th' polisman on th' bate an' can go out to hateful +dances an' moonlight picnics--ye'd think these unforchnate slaves'd be +delighted to live in Mulligan's subdivision, amid th' threes an' flowers +an' bur-rds. Gettin' up at four o'clock in th' mornin' th' singin' +iv th' full-throated alarm clock is answered be an invisible choir iv +songsters, as Shakespere says, an' ye see th' sun rise over th' hills as +ye go out to carry in a ton iv coal. All day long ye meet no wan as +ye thrip over th' coal-scuttle, happy in ye'er tile an' ye'er heart is +enlivened be th' thought that th' childher in th' front iv th' house +ar-re growin' sthrong on th' fr-resh counthry air. Besides they'se +always cookin' to do. At night ye can set be th' fire an' improve ye'er +mind be r-readin' half th' love story in th' part iv th' pa-aper that +th' cheese come home in, an' whin ye're through with that, all ye have +to do is to climb a ladder to th' roof an' fall through th' skylight an' +ye're in bed." + +{Illustration} + + +"But wud ye believe it, Hinnissy, manny iv these misguided women rayfuse +f'r to take a job that aint in a city. They prefer th' bustle an' +roar iv th' busy marts iv thrade, th' sthreet car, th' saloon on three +corners an' th' church on wan, th' pa-apers ivry mornin' with pitchers +iv th' s'ciety fav'rite that's just thrown up a good job at Armours to +elope with th' well-known club man who used to be yard-masther iv th' +three B's, G, L, & N., th' shy peek into th' dhry-goods store, an' other +base luxuries, to a free an' healthy life in th' counthry between iliven +P.M. an' four A.M. Wensdahs an' Sundahs. 'Tis worse thin that, Hinnissy, +f'r whin they ar-re in th' city they seem to dislike their wurruk an' +manny iv thim ar-re givin' up splindid jobs with good large families +where they have no chanst to spind their salaries, if they dhraw thim, +an' takin' places in shops, an' gettin' marrid an' adoptin' other +devices that will give thim th' chanst f'r to wear out their good +clothes. 'Tis a horrible situation. Riley th' conthractor dhropped in +here th' other day in his horse an' buggy on his way to the dhrainage +canal an' he was all wurruked up over th' question. 'Why,' he says, +''tis scand'lous th' way servants act,' he says. 'Mrs. Riley has +hystrics,' he says. 'An' ivry two or three nights whin I come home,' he +says, 'I have to win a fight again' a cook with a stove lid befure I +can move me family off th' fr-ront stoop,' he says. 'We threat thim well +too,' he says. 'I gave th' las' wan we had fifty cints an' a cook book +at Chris'mas an' th' next day she left befure breakfast,' he says. 'What +naytionalties do ye hire?' says I. 'I've thried thim all,' he says, +'an',' he says, 'I'll say this in shame,' he says, 'that th' Irish ar-re +th' worst,' he says. 'Well,' says I, 'ye need have no shame,' I says, +'f'r'tis on'y th' people that ar-re good servants that'll niver be +masthers,' I says. 'Th' Irish ar-re no good as servants because they +ar-re too good,' I says. 'Th' Dutch ar-re no good because they aint good +enough. No matther how they start they get th' noodle habit. I had wan, +wanst, an' she got so she put noodles in me tay,' I says. 'Th' Swedes +ar-re all right but they always get marrid th' sicond day. Ye'll have a +polisman at th' dure with a warrant f'r th' arrist iv ye'er cook if ye +hire a Boheemyan,' I says. 'Coons'd be all right but they're liable f'r +to hand ye ye'er food in ragtime, an' if ye ordher pork-chops f'r dinner +an' th' hall is long,'tis little ye'll have to eat whin th' platter's +set down,' I says. 'No,' says I, 'they'se no naytionality now livin' in +this counthry that're nathral bor-rn servants,' I says. 'If ye want +to save throuble,' I says, 'ye'll import ye'er help. They'se a race +iv people livin' in Cinthral Africa that'd be jus' r-right. They niver +sleep, tkey can carry twice their weight on their backs, they have no +frinds, they wear no clothes, they can't read, they can't dance an' +they don't dhrink. Th' fact is they're thoroughly oneddycated. If ye +cud tache thim to cook an' take care iv childher they'd be th' best +servants,' says I. 'An' what d'ye call thim?' says he. 'I f'rget,' says +I. An' he wint away mad." + +"Sure an' he's a nice man to be talkin' iv servants," said Mr. Hennessy. +"He was a gintleman's man in th' ol' counthry an' I used to know his +wife whin she wurruked f'r ----" + +"S-sh," said Mr. Dooley. "They're beyond that now. Besides they speak +fr'm experyence. An' mebbe that's th' throuble. We're always harder with +our own kind thin with others. 'Tis I that'd be th' fine cinsor iv a +bartinder's wurruk. Th' more ye ought to be a servant ye'ersilf th' more +difficult'tis f'r ye to get along with servants. I can holler to anny +man fr'm th' top iv a buildin' an' make him tur-rn r-round, but if I +come down to th' sthreet where he can see I aint anny bigger thin he is, +an' holler at him, 'tis twinty to wan if he tur-rns r-round he'll hit me +in th' eye. We have a servant girl problem because, Hinnissy, it isn't +manny years since we first begun to have servant girls. But I hope +Congress'll take it up. A smart Congress like th' wan we have now ought +to be able to spare a little time fr'm its preparation iv new Jims iv +speech f'r th' third reader an' rig up a bill that'd make keepin' house +a recreation while so softenin' th' spirit iv th' haughty sign iv a +noble race in th' kitchen that cookin' buckwheat cakes on a hot day with +th' aid iv a bottle iv smokeless powdher'd not cause her f'r to sind a +worthy man to his office in slippers an' without a hat." + +"Ah," said Mr. Hennessy, the simple democrat. "It wud be all r-right if +women'd do their own cookin'." + +"Well," said Mr. Dooley. "'Twud be a return to Jacksonyan simplicity, +an' 'twud be a gr-reat thing f'r th' resthrant business." + + + + +THE TRANSVAAL + + +"It looks like war," said Mr. Hennessy, who had been glancing at the +flaming head-lines of an evening paper over Mr. Dooley's shoulder. + +"It always does," said Mr. Dooley. "Since th' Czar iv Rooshia +inthrajooced his no-fight risolution, they'se been no chanst that they +wudden't be ructious." + +"An' what's it all about?" demanded Mr. Hennessy. "I can't make head nor +tail iv it at all, at all." + +"Well ye see 'tis this way," said Mr. Dooley. "Ye see th' Boers is a +simple, pasthral people that goes about their business in their own way, +raisin' hell with ivrybody. They was bor-rn with an aversion to society +an' whin th' English come they lit out befure thim, not likin' their +looks. Th' English kept comin' an' the Boers kept movin' till they +cudden't move anny further without bumpin' into th' Soodanese ar-rmy an' +thin they settled down an' says they, 'This far shall we go,' says +they, bein' a rellijous people, 'an' divvle th' sthep further.' An' they +killed off th' irrelijous naygurs an' started in f'r to raise cattle. +An' at night they'd set outside iv their dorps, which, Hinnissy, is +Dutch f'r two-story brick house an' lot, an' sip their la-ager an' swap +horses an' match texts fr'm th' Bible f'r th' seegars, while th' childer +played marbles with dimons as big as th' end iv ye'er thumb. + +"Well, th' English heerd they was goold be th' bucket in ivry cellar +fr'm Oopencoff to Doozledorf, which, Hinnissy, is like New York an' San +Francisco, bein' th' exthreme pints iv th' counthry, an' they come on +in gr-reat hordes, sturdy Anglo-Saxons fr'm Saxony, th' Einsteins an' +Heidlebacks an' Werners an' whin they took out goold enough so's they +needed raycreation they wanted to vote. 'An',' says Joe Chamberlain, he +says, 'Be hivins, they shall vote,' he says. 'Is it,' he says, 'possible +that at this stage iv th' world's progress' he says, 'an English +gintleman shud be denied,' he says, 'th' right to dhrop off a thrain +annywhere in th' civilized wurruld an' cast his impeeryal vote?' he +says. 'Give thim th' franchise,' he says, 'or be this an' be that!' +he says, 'f'r we have put our hand to th' plough, an' we will not turn +back,' he says. + +{Illustration} + +"Kruger, that's th' main guy iv th' Dutch, a fine man, Hennissy, that +looks like Casey's goat an' has manny iv th' same peculyarities, he +says, 'All r-right,' he says, 'I'll give thim th' franchise,' he says. +'Whin?' says Joe Chamberlain. 'In me will,' says Kruger. 'Whin I die,' +he says, 'an' I hope to live to be a hundherd if I keep on smokin' +befure breakfast,' he says, 'I'll bequeath to me frinds, th' English, or +such iv thim as was here befure I come, th' inalienable an' sacred right +to demand fr'm me succissor th' privilege iv ilictin' an aldherman,' he +says. 'But,' he says, 'in th' mane-time,' he says, 'we'll lave things +the way they are,' he says. 'I'm old,' he say, 'an' not good-lookin',' +he says, 'an' me clothes don't fit an' they may be marks iv food on me +vest,' he says, 'but I'm not more thin half crazy an' annytime ye find +me givin' annywan a chanst to vote me into a job dhrivin' a mule an' put +in an English prisidint iv this ray-public,' he says, 'ye may conclude +that ye'er Uncle Paul needs a guarjeen!' he says. + +"'Far be it fr'm me to suggist anny but peaceful measures,' says Sir +Alfred Milner, that's th' lad they have down in Africa, th' Injun agent, +'f'r th' English an' Dutch shud wurruk together like brothers f'r +th' removal iv th' naygur popylation,' he says, 'but,' he says, 'as a +brother I politely suggest to ye that if ye don't give us what we want +we'll hand ye a fraternal punch!' he says. 'F'r,' he says,' 'we have put +our hand to th' plough,' he says, 'an' we cannot turn back,' he says. + +"'What Sir Alfred Milner says is thrue,' says Lord Lelborne, an' what +th' divvle he has to do about it I dinnaw. 'Th' situation is such,' he +says, 'as to be intol'rable to a silf-rayspictin' Englishman,' he says. +'What a crime,' he says, 'that th' men who ar-re takin' most iv th' +money out iv th' counthry shud not be allowed to stick in anny iv th' +votes,' he says. 'We have, as Shakespeare says, put our hand to th' +plough,' he says, 'an' we cannot turn back,' he says. 'I agree corjally +with th' noble lord on th' r-red lounge abaft me,' says Lord Salisbury. +'With the echoes of me own noble sintimints on th' peace proclamation iv +me good frind, th' Czar iv Rooshia, still ringin' in me ears,' he says, +'it wud ill become me to speak iv foorce,' he says. 'I wud on'y say +that if th' Transvaal raypublic wud rather have a Dum-dum bullet in its +tum-tum thin grant to Englishmen th' r-right to run th' govermint, thin +th' Transvaal rapublic'll have both!' he says. 'I will add,' he says, +'that we have put our hand to th' plough an' we will not turn back,' he +says. + +"Well, sir, 'twas up to Kruger an' he knocked th' ashes out iv his pipe +on his vest an' says he, 'Gintlemen,' he says, 'I wud like to do me +best to accomydate ye,' he says. 'Nawthin' short iv a severe attack +iv sickness wud plaze me so much as to see long lines iv Englishmen +marchin' up to th' polls an' depositin' their ballots again' me f'r +prisidint,' he says. 'But,' he says, 'I'm an old man!' he says. 'I was +ilicted young an' I niver done annything since,' he says. 'I wudden't +know what to do without it,' he says. 'What ye propose is to make an +ex-prisidint iv me. D'ye think I cud stand that? D'ye think at my age +I wud be contint to dash fr'm wan justice coort to another pleadin' f'r +habyas-corpus writs or test me principles iv personal expansion in a Noo +Jarsey village?' he says. 'I'd rather be a dead prisidint thin a live +ex-prisidint. If I have anny pollytical ambition I'd rather be a Grant +or a Garfield thin a Cleveland or a Harrison,' he says. 'I may've read +it in th' Bible, though I think I saw it in a scand'lous book me frind +Rhodes left in his bedroom las' time he called on me, that ye shud niver +discard an ace to dhraw to a flush,' he says. 'I deplore th' language +but th' sintimint is sound,' he says. 'An' I believe ye'er intintions +to presarve peace ar-re honest, but I don't like to see ye pullin' off +ye'er coat an' here goes f'r throuble while ye have ye'er arms in th' +sleeves,' he says. 'F'r,' he says, 'ye have put ye'er hand in th' reaper +an' it cannot turn back,' he says. + +"An' there they go, Hinnissy. I'm not again England in this thing, +Hinnissy, an' I'm not again th' Boers. Like Mack I'm divided on a +matther iv principle between a desire to cemint th' 'lieance an' an +affiction f'r th' Dutch vote. But if Kruger had spint his life in a rale +raypublic where they burn gas he cud've settled th' business without +losin' sleep. If I was Kruger there'd've been no war." + +"What wud ye have done?" Mr. Hennessy asked. + +"I'd give thim th' votes," said Mr. Dooley. "But," he added +significantly, "I'd do th' countin'." + + + + +WAR AND WAR MAKERS + + +"I tell ye, Hinnissy," said Mr. Dooley, "Ye can't do th' +English-speakin' people. Oursilves an' th' hands acrost th' sea ar-re +rapidly teachin' th' benighted Lutheryan an' other haythin that as a +race we're onvincible an' oncatcheable. Th' Anglo-Saxon race meetin's +now going on in th' Ph'lippeens an' South Africa ought to convince +annywan that give us a fair start an' we can bate th' wurruld to a +tillygraft office. + +"Th' war our cousins be Sir Thomas Lipton is prosecutin', as Hogan says, +again th' foul but accrate Boers is doin' more thin that. It's givin' us +a common war lithrachoor. I wudden't believe at first whin I r-read th' +dispatches in th' pa-apers that me frind Gin'ral Otis wasn't in South +Africa. It was on'y whin I see another chapter iv his justly cillybrated +seeryal story, intitled 'Th' Capture iv Porac' that I knew he had an +imitator in th' mother counthry. An' be hivins, I like th' English +la-ad's style almost as well as our own gr-reat artist's. Mebbe'tis, +as th' pa-apers say, that Otis has writ himsilf out. Annyhow th' las' +chapter isn't thrillin'. He says: 'To-day th' ar-rmy undher my command +fell upon th' inimy with gr-reat slaughter an' seized th' important +town of Porac which I have mintioned befure, but,' he says, 'we ar-re +fortunately now safe in Manila.' Ye see he doesn't keep up th' intherest +to th' end. Th' English pote does betther." + +"'Las' night at eight o'clock,' he says, 'we found our slendher but +inthrepid ar-rmy surrounded be wan hundhred thousan' Boers,' he says. +'We attackted thim with gr-reat fury,' he says, 'pursuin' thim up th' +almost inaccessible mountain side an' capturin' eight guns which we +didn't want so we give thim back to thim with siveral iv our own,' +he says. 'Th' Irish rig'mints,' he says, 'th' Kerry Rifles, th' Land +Leaguers' Own, an' th' Dublin Pets, commanded be th' Pop'lar Irish sojer +Gin'ral Sir Ponsonby Tompkins wint into battle singin' their well-known +naytional anthem: "Mrs. Innery Awkins is a fust-class name!" Th' Boers +retreated,' he says, 'pursued be th' Davitt Terrors who cut their way +through th' fugitives with awful slaughter,' he says. 'They have now,' +he says, 'pinethrated as far us Pretoria,' he says, 'th' officers +arrivin' in first-class carredges an' th' men in thrucks,' he says, +'an' ar-re camped in th' bettin' shed where they ar-re afforded ivry +attintion be th' vanquished inimy,' he says. 'As f'r us,' he says, 'we +decided afther th' victhry to light out f'r Ladysmith.' he says, 'Th' +inimy had similar intintions,' he says, 'but their skill has been vastly +overrated,' he says. 'We bate thim,' he says 'we bate thim be thirty +miles,' he says. That's where we're sthrong, Hinnissy. We may get licked +on th' battle field, we may be climbin' threes in th' Ph'lippeens with +arrows stickin' in us like quills, as Hogan says, into th' fretful +porcupine or we may be doin' a mile in five minyits flat down th' pike +that leads to Cape Town pursued be th' less fleet but more ignorant +Boers peltin' us with guns full iv goold an' bibles, but in th' pages iv +histhry that our childhren read we niver turned back on e'er an inimy. +We make our own gloryous pages on th' battlefield, in th' camp an' in +th' cab'net meetin'." + +"Well, 't is all r-right f'r ye to be jokin'," said Mr. Hennessy, "but +there's manny a brave fellow down there that it's no joke to." + +"Thrue f'r ye," said Mr. Dooley, "an' that's why I wisht it cud be fixed +up so's th' men that starts th' wars could do th' fightin'. Th' throuble +is that all th' prelimin'ries is arranged be matchmakers an' all they'se +left f'r fighters is to do th' murdherin'. A man's got a good job at +home an' he wants to make it sthronger. How can he do it? Be throwin' +out some one that's got an akelly good job down th' sthreet. Now he +don't go over as I wud an' say, 'Here Schwartzmeister (or Kruger as th' +case may be) I don't like ye'er appearance, ye made a monkey iv me in +argymint befure th' neighborhood an' if ye continyue in business ye'll +hurt me thrade, so here goes to move ye into th' sthreet!' Not +that la-ad. He gets a crowd around him an' says he: 'Kruger (or +Schwartzmeister as th' case may be) is no good. To begin with he's a +Dutchman. If that ain't enough he's a cantin', hymn singin' murdhrous +wretch that wuddent lave wan iv our counthrymen ate a square meal if he +had his way. I'll give ye all two dollars a week if ye'll go over an' +desthroy him.' An' th' other la-ad, what does he do? He calls in th' +neighbors an' says he: 'Dooley is sindin' down a gang iv savages +to murdher me. Do ye lave ye'er wurruk an' ye'er families an' rally +ar-round me an' where ye see me plug hat wave do ye go in th' other +direction,' he says, 'an' slay th' brutal inimy,' he says. An' off goes +th' sojers an' they meet a lot iv la-ads that looks like thimsilves an' +makes sounds that's more or less human an' ates out iv plates an' they +swap smokin' tobacco an' sings songs together an' th' next day they're +up early jabbing holes in each other with baynits. An' whin its all +over they'se me an' Chamberlain at home victoryous an' Kruger an' +Schwartzmeister at home akelly victoryous. An' they make me prime +minister or aldherman but whin I want a man to put in me coal I don't +take wan with a wooden leg. + +"I'll niver go down again to see sojers off to th' war. But ye'll see me +at th' depot with a brass band whin th' men that causes wars starts f'r +th' scene iv carnage. Whin Congress goes forth to th' sun-kissed an' +rain jooled isles iv th' Passyfic no more heartier cheer will be beard +thin th' wan or two that rises fr'm th' bosom iv Martin Dooley. Says I, +give thim th' chanst to make histhry an' lave th' young men come home +an' make car wheels. If Chamberlain likes war so much 'tis him that +ought to be down there in South Africa peltin' over th' road with ol' +Kruger chasin' him with a hoe. Th' man that likes fightin' ought to be +willin' to turn in an' spell his fellow-counthrymen himsilf. An' +I'd even go this far an' say that if Mack wants to subjoo th' dam +Ph'lippeens----" + +"Ye're a thraitor," said Mr. Hennessy. + +"I know it," said Mr. Dooley, complacently. + +"Ye're an anti-expansionist." + +"If ye say that again," cried Mr. Dooley, angrily, "I'll smash in ye'er +head." + + + + +UNDERESTIMATING THE ENEMY + + +"What d'ye think iv th' war?" Mr. Hennessy asked. + +"I think I want to go out an' apologize to Shafter," said Mr. Dooley. + +"I'm like ivrybody else, be hivins, I thought war was like shootin' +glass balls. I niver thought iv th' glass balls thrainin' a dinnymite +gun on me. 'Tis a thrait iv us Anglo-Saxons that we look on an inimy as +a target. If ye hit him ye get three good see-gars. We're like people +that dhreams iv fights. In me dhreams I niver lost wan fight. A man I +niver saw befure comes up an' says something mane to me, that I can't +raymimber, an' I climb into him an' 'tis all over in a minyit. He niver +hits me, or if he does I don't feel it. I put him on his back an' bate +him to death. An' thin I help mesilf to his watch an' chain an' +me frinds come down an' say, 'Martin, ye haven't a scratch,' an' +con-grathlate me, an' I wandher ar-roun' th' sthreets with a chip on me +shoulder till I look down an' see that I haven't a stitch on me but a +short shirt. An' thin I wake up. Th' list iv knock-outs to me credit +in dhreams wud make Fitzsimmons feel poor. But ne'er a wan iv thim was +printed in th' pa-apers." + +"'Tis so with me frinds, th' hands acrost th' sea. They wint to sleep +an' had a dhream. An' says they: 'We will sind down to South Africa thim +gallant throops that have won so manny hard-fought reviews,' they says, +'captained,' they says, 'be th' flower iv our aristocracy,' they says. +'An' whin th' Boers come out ar-rmed with rollin' pins an' bibles,' they +says, 'We'll just go at thim,' they says, 'an' walk through thim an' +that night we'll have a cotillyon at Pretoria to which all frinds is +invited,' they says. An' so they deposit their intellects in th' bank +at home, an' th' absent-minded beggars goes out in thransports iv +pathreetism an' pothry. An' they'se a meetin' iv th' cabinet an' 'tis +decided that as th' war will on'y las' wan week 'twill be well f'r +to begin renamin' th' cities iv th' Thransvaal afther pop'lar English +statesmen--Joechamberlainville an' Rhodesdorp an' Beitfontein. F'r they +have put their hands to th' plough an' th' sponge is squeezed dhry, an' +th' sands iv th' glass have r-run out an' th' account is wiped clean." + +"An' what's th' Boer doin' all this time? What's me frind th' Boer +doin'. Not sleepin', Hinnissy, mind ye. He hasn't anny dhreams iv +conquest. But whin a man with long whiskers comes r-ridin' up th' r-road +an' says: 'Jan Schmidt or Pat O'Toole or whativer his name is, ye're +wanted at th' front,' he goes home an' takes a rifle fr'm th' wall an' +kisses his wife an' childher good-bye an' puts a bible in th' tails iv +his coat an' a stovepipe hat on his head an' thramps away. An' his wife +says: 'Good-bye, Jan. Don't be long gone an' don't get shooted.' An' he +says: 'Not while I've got a leg undher me an' a rock in front iv me,' he +says. I tell ye, Hinnissy, ye can't beat a man that fights f'r his home +an' counthry in a stovepipe hat. He might be timpted f'r to come out +fr'm cover f'r his native land, but he knows if he goes home to his wife +with his hat mussed she won't like it, an' so he sets behind a rock an' +plugs away. If th' lid is knocked off he's fatally wounded." + +"What's th' raysult, Hinnissy? Th' British marches up with their bands +playin' an' their flags flyin'. An' th' Boers squat behind a bouldher +or a three or set comfortable in th' bed iv a river an' bang away. Their +on'y thradition is that it's betther to be a live Boer thin a dead hero, +which comes, perhaps, to th' same thing. They haven't been taught +f'r hundherds iv years that 'tis a miracle f'r to be an officer an' a +disgrace to be a private sojer. They know that if they're kilt they'll +have their names printed in th' pa-apers as well as th' Markess iv +Doozleberry that's had his eyeglass shot out. But they ain't lookin' f'r +notoriety. All they want is to get home safe, with their counthry free, +their honor protected an' their hats in good ordher. An' so they hammer +away an' th' inimy keeps comin', an' th' varyous editions iv th' +London pa-apers printed in this counthry have standin' a line iv type +beginnin', 'I regret to state.'" + +"All this, Hinnissy, comes fr'm dhreamin' dhreams. If th' British had +said, 'This unclean an' raypeecious people that we're against is also +very tough. Dirty though they be, they'll fight. Foul though their +nature is, they have ca'tridges in their belts. This not bein' England +an' th' inimy we have again us not bein' our frinds, we will f'rget th' +gloryous thraditions iv th' English an' Soudan ar-rmies an' instead iv +r-rushin' on thim sneak along yon kindly fence an' hit thim on th' back +iv th' neck,'--they'd be less, 'I r-regret-to-states' and more 'I'm +plazed-to-reports.' They wud so, an' I'm a man that's been through +columns an' columns iv war. Ye'll find, Hinnissy, that 'tis on'y +ar-rmies fights in th' open. Nations fights behind threes an' rocks. +Ye can put that in ye're little book. 'Tis a sayin' I made as I wint +along." + +"We done th' same way oursilves," said Mr. Hennessy. + +"We did that," said Mr. Dooley. "We were in a dhream, too. Th' on'y +thing is th' other fellow was in a thrance. We woke up first. An' +anny-how I'm goin' to apologize to Shafter. He may not have anny medals +f'r standin' up in range iv th' guns but, be hivins, he niver dhrove his +buckboard into a river occypied be th' formerly loathed Castile." + + + + +THE WAR EXPERT + + +Mr. Dooley was reading the war news--not our war news but the war news +we are interested in--when Mr. Hennessy interrupted him to ask "What's a +war expert?" + +"A war expert," said Mr. Dooley, "is a man ye niver heerd iv befure. +If ye can think iv annywan whose face is onfamilyar to ye an' ye don't +raymimber his name, an' he's got a job on a pa-aper ye didn't know was +published, he's a war expert. 'Tis a har-rd office to fill. Whin a war +begins th' timptation is sthrong f'r ivry man to grab hold iv a gun +an go to th' fr-ront. But th' war expert has to subjoo his cravin' f'r +blood. He says to himsilf 'Lave others seek th' luxuries iv life in +camp,' he says. 'F'r thim th' boat races acrost th' Tugela, th' romp +over the kopje, an' th' game iv laager, laager who's got th' laager?' he +says. 'I will stand be me counthry,' he says, 'close,' he says. 'If it +falls,' he says, 'it will fall on me,' he says. An' he buys himsilf a +map made be a fortune teller in a dhream, a box iv pencils an' a field +glass, an' goes an' looks f'r a job as a war expert. Says th' editor +iv th' pa-aper: 'I don't know ye. Ye must be a war expert,' he says. 'I +am,' says th' la-ad. 'Was ye iver in a war?' says th' editor. 'I've been +in nawthin' else,' says th' la-ad. 'Durin' th' Spanish-American War, +I held a good job as a dhramatic critic in Dedham, Matsachoosets,' he +says. 'Whin th' bullets flew thickest in th' Soodan I was spoortin' +editor iv th' Christyan Advocate,' he says. 'I passed through th' +Franco-Prooshan War an' held me place, an' whin th' Turks an' Rooshans +was at each other's throats, I used to lay out th' campaign ivry day on +a checker board,' he says. 'War,' he says, has no turrors f'r me,' he +says. 'Ye're th man f'r th' money,' says th' editor. An' he gets th' +job." + +"Thin th' war breaks out in earnest. No matther how manny is kilt, +annything that happens befure th' war expert gets to wurruk is on'y what +we might call a prelimin'ry skirmish. He sets down an' bites th' end +iv his pencil an' looks acrost th' sthreet an' watches a man paintin' a +sign. Whin th' man gets through he goes to th' window an' waits to see +whether th' polisman that wint into th' saloon is afther a dhrink or +sarvin' a warrant. If he comes r-right out 'tis a warrant. Thin he sets +back in a chair an' figures out that th' pitchers on th' wall pa-aper +ar-re all alike ivry third row. Whin his mind is thurly tuned up be +these inthricate problems, he dashes to his desk an' writes what you an' +I read th' nex' day in th' pa-apers." + +"Clarence Pontoon, th' military expert iv th' London Mornin' Dhram, +reviewin' Gin'ral Buller's position on th' Tugela, says: 'It is manifest +fr'm th' dispatches tellin' that Gin'ral Buller has crost th' Tugela +River that Gin'ral Buller has crost th' Tugela River. This we r-read +in spite iv th' cinsor. Th' question is which side he has crost to. On +Friday he was on th' north side in th' mornin' an' on th' south side at +night, an' in th' river at noon. We heerd nawthin' Sathurdah mornin'. +Th' presumption is that they was nawthin' to hear. Therefore it is +aisy to imagine Gin'ral Buller, findin' his position on th' north +side ontenable an' his position on th' south side onbearable, is +thransportin' his troops up th' river on rafts an' is now engagin' +th' inimy between Spitzozone an' Rottenfontein, two imminsely sthrong +points. All this dimonsthrates th' footility an' foolishness iv +attimptin' to carry a frontal position agains' large, well-fed Dutchmen +with mud in th' fr-ront iv thim." + +"'I cal'clate that it wud require thirty millyon thurly dauntless +Britions to ixicute such a manoover, tin Boers ar-rmed with pop bottles +bein' now considhered th' akel iv a brigade. What I wud do if I was +Buller, an' I thank Hivin I'm not, wud be move me ar-rmy in half-an-hour +over th' high but aisily accessible mountains to th' right iv +Crowrijoy's forces, an' takin' off me shoes so he cudden't hear thim +squeak, creep up behind th' Dutch an' lam their heads off. Afther this +sthroke 'twud be aisy f'r to get th' foorces iv Fr-rinch, Gatacre, +Methoon, an' Winston Churchill together some afthernoon, invite th' +inimy to a band concert, surround an' massacree thim. This adroit move +cud be ixicuted if Roberts wud on'y make use iv th' ixicillint bus +sarvice between Hokesmith an' Mikesmith. It is exthraordinary that th' +gin'ral on th' groun' has not seen th' possibilities so apparent at a +distance.'" + +"That's wan kind iv war expert, Hinnissy. Another kind is th' wan that +gives it good to th' gover'mint. Says Willum McGlue, war expert iv +th' London Mornin' Growl, who's supposed to be cheek be jowl with Lord +Wolseley. 'England's greatness is slippin' away. Th' failure iv th' +gover'mint to provide a well-equipped, thurly pathriotic ar-rmy iv Boers +to carry on this war undher th' leadership iv gallant Joobert is +goin' to be our roonation. We ar-re bethrayed be a lazy, effete, +side-whiskered, golf-playin' gover'mint that wud rather lose this fight +thin win it because they ar-re tired iv holdin' office. What can be said +f'r public men so lost to shame that they spell Kopje with a "c" +an' ar-re sindin' Englishmen to th' ends iv th' wurruld to fight f'r +England? Down with thim!'" + +"Well sir, 'tis a gr-reat thing f'r a counthry to have th' likes iv thim +ar-round to direct manoovers that'd be gatherin' dust on th' shelf if +th' gin'rals had their say, an' to prove to th' wurruld that th' English +ar-re not frivolous, excitable people like us an' th' Frinch, but can +take a batin' without losin' their heads." + +"Sure," said Mr. Hennessy, "tis not thim that does th' fightin'. Th' +la-ads with th' guns has that job." + +"Well," said Mr. Dooley, "they'se two kinds iv fightin'. Th' experts +wants th' ar-rmy to get into Pretoria dead or alive, an' th' sojers +wants to get in alive. I'm no military expert, Hinnissy. I'm too well +known. But I have me own opinyon on th' war. All this talk about th' +rapid fire gun an' modhren methods iv warfare makes me wondher. They'se +not so much diff'rence between war now an' war whin I was a kid, as they +let on. Th' gun that shoots ye best fr'm a distance don't shoot ye so +well close to. A pile iv mud is a pile iv mud now just th' same as it +was whin Gin'ral Grant was pokin' ar-round. If th' British can get over +th' mud pile they win th' fight. If they can't they're done. That's all +they'se to it. Mos' men, sthrongest backs, best eyes an' th' ownership +iv th' mud piles. That's war, Hinnissy. Th' British have th' men. +They're shy iv backs, eyes an' mud piles, an' they will be until they +larn that sheep-herdin' an' gin'ralship ar-re diff'rent things, an' fill +up their ar-rmy with men that ar-re not fightin' f'r money or glory, but +because they want to get home to their wives alive." + +"Ye talk like an' ol book," said Mr. Hennessy, in disgust. "Ye with +ye-re maundhrin' ar-re no betther thin thim expert la-ads." + +"Well annyhow," said Mr. Dooley thoughtfully, "th' expert is sarvin' a +useful purpose. Th' papers says th' rapid fire gun'll make war in th' +future impossible. I don't think that, but I know th' expert will." + + + + +MODERN EXPLOSIVES + + +"If iver I wanted to go to war," said Mr. Dooley, "an' I niver did, th' +desire has passed fr'm me iv late. Ivry time I read iv th' desthructive +power iv modhern explosives col' chills chase each other up an' down me +spine." + +"What's this here stuff they calls lyddite?" Mr. Hennessy asked. + +"Well, 'tis th' divvle's own med'cine," said Mr. Dooley. "Compared with +lyddite joynt powdher is Mrs. Winslow's soothin' surup, an' ye cud lave +th' childher play base-ball with a can iv dinnymite. 'Tis as sthrong as +Gin'ral Crownjoy's camp th' day iv th' surrinder an' almost as sthrong +as th' pollytics iv Montana. Th' men that handles it is cased in six +inch armor an' played on be a hose iv ice wather. Th' gun that shoots +it is always blown up be th' discharge. Whin this deadly missile flies +through th' air, th' threes ar-re withered an' th' little bur-rds falls +dead fr'm th' sky, fishes is kilt in th' rivers, an' th' tillyphone +wires won't wurruk. Th' keen eyed British gunners an' corryspondints +watches it in its hellish course an' tur-rn their faces as it falls into +th' Boer trench. An' oh! th' sickly green fumes it gives off, jus' like +pizen f'r potato bugs! There is a thremenjous explosion. Th' earth is +thrown up f'r miles. Horses, men an' gun carredges ar-re landed in th' +British camp whole. Th' sun is obscured be Boer whiskers turned green. +Th' heart iv th' corryspondint is made sick be th' sight, an' be th' +thought iv th' fearful carnage wrought be this dhread desthroyer in th' +ranks iv th' brave but misguided Dutchmen. Th' nex' day deserters fr'm +th' Boer ranks reports that they have fled fr'm th' camp, needin' a +dhrink an' onable to stand th' scenes iv horror. They announce that th' +whole Boer ar-rmy is as green as wall paper, an' th' Irish brigade has +sthruck because ye can't tell their flag fr'm th' flag iv th' r-rest iv +th' Dutch. Th' Fr-rinch gin'ral in command iv th' Swedish corps lost +his complexion an' has been sint to th' hospital, an' Mrs. Gin'ral +Crownjoy's washin' that was hangin' on th' line whin th' bombardmint +comminced is a total wreck which no amount iv bluin' will save. Th' +deserters also report that manny iv th' Boers ar-re outspannin', +trekkin', loogerin', kopjein' an' veldtin' home to be dyed, f'r'tis not +known whether lyddite is a fast color or will come out in th' wash." + +"In spite iv their heavy losses th' Boers kept up a fierce fire. They +had no lyddite, but with their other divvlish modhern explosives they +wrought thremenjous damage. F'r some hours shells burst with turr'ble +precision in th' British camp. Wan man who was good at figures counted +as manny as forty-two thousan' eight hundhred an' sivin burstin' within +a radyus iv wan fut. Ye can imagine th' hor-rible carnage. Colonel C. G. +F. K. L. M. N. O. P. Hetherington-Casey-Higgins lost his eye-glass +tin times, th' las' time almost swallowin' it, while ye'er faithful +corryspondint was rindered deaf be th' explosions. Another Irish +rig'mint has disappearded, th' Twelve Thousandth an' Eighth, Dublin +Fusiliers. Brave fellows, 'tis suspicted they mistook th' explosion of +lyddite f'r a Pathrick's Day procession an' wint acrost to take a look +at it." + +"Murdher, but 'tis dhreadful to r-read about. We have to change all our +conciptions iv warfare. Wanst th' field was r-red, now 'tis a br-right +lyddite green. Wanst a man wint out an' died f'r his counthry, now they +sind him out an' lyddite dyes him. What do I mane? 'Tis a joke I made. +I'll not explane it to ye. Ye wudden't undherstand it. 'Tis f'r th' +eddycated classes." + +"How they're iver goin' to get men to fight afther this I cudden't tell +ye. 'Twas bad enough in th' ol' days whin all that happened to a sojer +was bein' pinithrated be a large r-round gob iv solder or stuck up on +th' end iv a baynit be a careless inimy. But now-a-days, they have th' +bullet that whin it enthers ye tur-rns ar-round like th' screw iv a +propeller, an' another wan that ye might say goes in be a key-hole an' +comes out through a window, an' another that has a time fuse in it +an' it doesn't come out at all but stays in ye, an' mebbe twinty years +afther, whin ye've f'rgot all about it an' ar-re settin' at home with +ye'er fam'ly, bang! away it goes an' ye with it, carryin' off half iv +th' roof. Thin they have guns as long as fr'm here to th' rollin' mills +that fires shells as big as a thrunk. Th' shells are loaded like a +docthor's bag an' have all kinds iv things in thim that won't do a bit +iv good to man or beast. If a sojer has a weak back there's something +in th' shell that removes a weak back; if his head throubles him, he can +lose it; if th' odher iv vilets is distasteful to him th' shell smothers +him in vilet powdher. They have guns that anny boy or girl who knows th' +typewriter can wurruk, an' they have other guns on th' music box plan, +that ye wind up an' go away an' lave, an' they annoy anny wan that comes +along. They have guns that bounces up out iv a hole in th' groun', fires +a millyon shells a minyit an' dhrops back f'r another load. They have +guns that fire dinnymite an' guns that fire th' hateful, sickly green +lyddite that makes th' inimy look like fiat money, an' guns that fire +canned beef f'r th' inimy an' distimper powdher for th' inimy's horses. +An' they have some guns that shoot straight." + +"Well, thin," Mr. Hennessy grumbled, "it's a wondher to me that with all +thim things they ain't more people kilt. Sure, Gin'ral Grant lost more +men in wan day thin th' British have lost in four months, an' all he had +to keep tab on was ol' fashioned bullets an' big, bouncin' iron balls." + +"Thrue," said Mr. Dooley. "I don't know th' reason, but it mus' be that +th' betther gun a man has th' more he thrusts th' gun an' th' less he +thrusts himsilf. He stays away an' shoots. He says to himsilf, he says: +'They'se nawthin' f'r me to do,' he says, 'but load up me little lyddite +cannon with th' green goods,' he says, 'an' set here at the organ,' +he says, 'pull out th' stops an' paint th' town iv Pretoria green,' he +says. 'But,' he says, 'on sicond thought, suppose th' inimy shud hand it +back to me,' he says. 'Twud be oncomfortable,' he says. 'So,' he says, +'I'll jus' move me music back a mile,' he says, 'an' peg away, an' th' +longest gun takes th' persimmons,' he says. 'Tis this way: If ye an' I +fall out an' take rifles to each other, 'tis tin to wan nayether iv us +gets clost enough to hit. If we take pistols th' odds is rayjooced. If +we take swords I may get a hack at ye, but if we take a half-nelson lock +'tis even money I have ye'er back broke befure th' polis comes." + +"I can see in me mind th' day whin explosives'll be so explosive an' +guns'll shoot so far that on'y th' folks that stay at home'll be kilt, +an' life insurance agents'll be advisin' people to go into th' ar-rmy. I +can so. 'Tis thrue what Hogan says about it." + +"What's that?" Mr. Hennessy asked. + +"Th' nation," said Mr. Dooley, "that fights with a couplin' pin extinds +its bordhers at th' cost iv th' nation that fights with a clothes pole." + +"Well, sir," said Mr. Dooley, "tis a fine rayciption th' Boer dillygates +is havin' in this counthry." + +"They'll be out here nex' week," said Mr. Hennessy. + +"They will that," Mr. Dooley replied, "an' we'll show thim that +our inthrest in small raypublics fightin' f'r their liberty ain't +disappeared since we become an impeeryal nation. No, sir. We have as +much inthrest as iver, but we have more inthrests elsewhere." + +"Oom Paul, he says to th' la-ads: 'Go,' he says, 'to me good an' great +frind, Mack th' Wanst, an' lay th' case befure him,' he says. 'Tell +him,' he says, 'that th' situation is just th' same as it was durin' +Wash'nton's time,' he says, 'on'y Wash'nton won, an' we're rapidly +losin' kopjes till we soon won't have wan to sthrike a match on,' he +says. An' off goes th' good men. Whin they started the Boers was doin' +pretty well, Hinnissy. They were fightin' Englishmen, an' that's a lawn +tinnis to a rale fightin' man. But afther awhile the murdherin' English +gover'mint put in a few recreent but gallant la-ads fr'm th' ol' +dart--we ought to be proud iv thim, curse thim--Pat O'Roberts, an' Mike +McKitchener, an' Terrence O'Fr-rinch--an' they give th' view--halloo +an' wint through th' Dutch like a party comin' home fr'm a fifteenth +iv August picnic might go through a singerbund. So be th' time th' +dillygates got to Europe it was: 'James, if thim br-rave but misguided +Dutch appears, squirt th' garden hose on thim. I'll see th' British +embassadure this afthernoon.' Ye see, Hinnissy, 'twas ol' Kruger's play +to keep on winnin' battles till th' dillygates had their say. Th' +amount iv sympathy that goes out f'r a sthrugglin' people is reg'lated, +Hinnissy, be th' amount iv sthrugglin' th' people can do. Th' wurruld, +me la-ad, is with th' undher dog on'y as long as he has a good hold an' +a chanst to tur-rn over." + +"Well, sir, whin th' dillygates see they cudden't do business in Europe, +says they to thimsilves: 'We'll pike acrost th' ragin' sea,' they says, +'an in th' home iv Wash'nton, Lincoln, an' Willum J. Bryan, ye bet we'll +have a hearin',' an' they got wan. Ivrybody's listenin' to thim. But no +wan replies. If they'd come here three months ago, befure Crownjoy was +suffocated out iv his hole in th' groun', they'd be smokin' their pipes +in rockin' chairs on th' veranda iv th' white house an' passin' th' +bucket between thim an' Mack. But 'tis diff'rent now. 'Tis diff'rent +now. Says Willum J. Bryan: 'I can't see thim mesilf, f'r it may not be +long befure I'll have to dale with these inthricate problems, I hope +an' pray, but Congressman Squirtwather, do ye disguise ye'ersilf as a +private citizen an' go down to th' hotel an' tell these la-ads that +I'm with thim quietly if public opinyon justifies it an' Mack takes +th' other side. Tell thim I frequently say to mesilf that they're all +r-right, but I wudden't want it to go further. Perhaps they cud be +injooced to speak at a dimmycratic meetin' unbeknown to me,' he says. + +"Sicrety Hay meets thim in a coal cellar, wearin' a mask. 'Gintlemen,' +says he, 'I can assure ye th' prisidint an' mesilf feels mos' deeply f'r +ye. I needn't tell ye about mesilf,' he says. 'Haven't I sint me own son +into ye'er accursed but liberty-lovin' counthry,' he says. 'As f'r Mack, +I assure ye he's hear-rtbroken over th' tur-rn affairs have taken,' he +says. 'Early in th' war he wrote to Lord Salisberry, sayin' he hoped +'twud not be continyued to iliction day, an' Salisberry give him a gruff +response. Tur-rned him down, though both ar-re Anglo-Saxons,' he says. +'Las' night his sobs fairly shook th' white house as he thought iv ye +an' ye'er sthruggle. He wants to tell ye how much he thinks iv ye, an' +he'll meet ye in th' carredge house if ye'll shave off ye'er whiskers +an' go as clam-peddlers. Ye'll reco'nize him in a green livery. He'll +wear a pink carnation in his buttonhole. Give th' names iv Dorsey an' +Flannagan, an' if th' English ambassadure goes by get down on ye'er +ban's an' knees an' don't make a sign till he's out iv sight,' he says. +'Th' stout party in blue near by'll be Mark Hanna. He may be able to +arrange a raypublican meetin' f'r ye to addhress,' he says. 'The gr-reat +hear-rt iv th' raypublican party throbs f'r ye. So does Mack's,' he +says. 'So does mine,' he says." + +"Well, th' dillygates met Mack an' they had a pleasant chat. 'Will ye,' +says they, 'inthervene an' whistle off th' dogs iv war?' they says. +'Whisper,' says Mack, th' tears flowin' down his cheeks. 'Iver since +this war started me eyes have been fixed on th' gallant or otherwise, +nation or depindancy, fightin' its brave battle f'r freedom or rebellin' +again' th' sov'reign power, as the case may be,' he says. 'Unofficially, +my sympathy has gone out to ye, an' bur-rnin' wurruds iv unofficial +cheer has been communicated unofficially be me to me official fam'ly, +not, mind ye, as an official iv this magnificent an' liberty-lovin' +raypublic, but as a private citizen,' he says. 'I feel, as a private +citizen, that so long,' he says, 'as the br-right star iv liberty shines +resplindent over our common counthries, with th' example iv Washin'ton +in ye'er eyes, an' th' iliction comin' on, that ye must go forward an' +conker or die,' he says. 'An',' he says, 'Willum McKinley is not th' man +to put annything in ye'er way,' he says. 'Go back to me gr-reat an' good +frind an' tell him that th' hear-rt iv th' raypublican party throbs +f'r him,' he says. 'An' Sicrety Hay's,' he says, 'an' mine,' he says, +'unofficially,' he says. 'Me official hear-rt,' he says, 'is not +permitted be th' constitootion to throb durin' wurrukin' hours,' he +says. + +"An' so it goes. Ivrywhere th' dillygates tur-rns they see th' sign: +'This is me busy day.' An' whin they get back home they can tell +th' people they found th' United States exudin' sympathy at ivry +pore--'marked private.'" + +"Don't ye think th' United States is enthusyastic f'r th' Boers?" asked +the innocent Hennessy. + +"It was," said Mr. Dooley. "But in th' las' few weeks it's had so manny +things to think iv. Th' enthusyasm iv this counthry, Hinnissy, always +makes me think iv a bonfire on an ice-floe. It burns bright so long as +ye feed it, an' it looks good, but it don't take hold, somehow, on th' +ice." + + + + +THE CHINESE SITUATION + + +"Well, sir," said Mr. Hennessy, "to think iv th' audacity iv thim +Chinymen! It do bate all." + +"It do that," said Mr. Dooley. "It bates th' wurruld. An' what's it +comin' to? You an' me looks at a Chinyman as though he wasn't good f'r +annything but washin' shirts, an' not very good at that. Tis wan iv th' +spoorts iv th' youth iv our gr-reat cities to rowl an impty beer keg +down th' steps iv a Chinee laundhry, an' if e'er a Chinyman come out +to resint it they'd take him be th' pigtail an' do th' joynt swing with +him. But th' Chinyman at home's a diff'rent la-ad. He's with his frinds +an' they're manny iv thim an' he's rowlin' th' beer kegs himsilf +an' Westhren Civilization is down in th' laundhry wondhrin' whin th' +police'll come along." + +"Th' Lord f'rgive f'r sayin' it, Hinnissy, but if I was a Chinyman, +which I will fight anny man f'r sayin,' an' was livin' at home, I'd tuck +me shirt into me pants, put me braid up in a net, an' go out an' take +a fall out iv th' in-vader if it cost me me life. Here am I, Hop Lung +Dooley, r-runnin' me little liquor store an' p'rhaps raisin' a family in +th' town iv Koochoo. I don't like foreigners there anny more thin I do +here. Along comes a bald-headed man with chin whiskers from Baraboo, +Wisconsin, an' says he: 'Benighted an' haythen Dooley,' says he, 'ye +have no God,' he says. 'I have,' says I. 'I have a lot iv thim,' says I. +'Ye ar-re an oncultivated an' foul crather,' he says. 'I have come six +thousan' miles f'r to hist ye fr'm th' mire iv ignorance an' irrellijon +in which ye live to th' lofty plane iv Baraboo,' he says. An' he sets +down on an aisy chair, an' his wife an' her friends come in an' they +inthrojooce Mrs. Dooley to th' modhren improvements iv th' corset an' +th' hat with th' blue bur-rd onto it, an' put shame into her because she +hasn't let her feet grow, while th' head mission'ry reads me a pome out +iv th' _Northwesthren Christyan Advocate_. 'Well,' says I, 'look here, +me good fellow,' I says. 'Me an' me people has occypied these here +primises f'r manny years,' I says, 'an' here we mean to stay,' I says. +'We're doin' th' best we can in th' matther iv gods,' says I. 'We have +thim cast at a first-rate foundhry,' I says, 'an' we sandpa-aper thim +ivry week,' says I. 'As f'r knowin' things,' I says, 'me people wrote +pomes with a markin' brush whin th' likes iv ye was r-runnin' ar-round +wearin' a short pelisse iv sheepskins an' batin' each other to death +with stone hammers,' says I. An' I'm f'r firin' him out, but bein' a +quite man I lave him stay." + +"Th' nex' day in comes a man with a suit iv clothes that looks like a +tablecloth in a section house, an' says he: 'Poor ignorant haythen,' he +says, 'what manner iv food d'ye ate?' he says. 'Rice,' says I, 'an' rats +is me fav'rite dish,' I says. 'Deluded wretch,' says he. 'I riprisint +Armour an' Company, an' I'm here to make ye change ye'er dite,' he says. +'Hinceforth ye'll ate th' canned roast beef iv merry ol' stock yards or +I'll have a file iv sojers in to fill ye full iv ondygistible lead,' +he says. An' afther him comes th' man with Aunt Miranda's Pan Cakes +an' Flaked Bran an' Ye'll-perish-if-ye-don't-eat-a-biscuit an' other +riprisintatives iv Westhern Civilization, an' I'm to be shot if I don't +take thim all." + +"Thin a la-ad runs down with a chain an' a small glass on three sticks +an' a gang iv section men that answers to th' name iv Casey, an' +pro-ceeds f'r to put down a railroad. 'What's this f'r?' says I. 'We +ar-re th' advance guard iv Westhren Civilization,' he says, 'an we're +goin' to give ye a railroad so ye can go swiftly to places that ye don't +want to see,' he says. 'A counthry that has no railroads is beneath +contimpt,' he says. 'Casey,' he says,'sthretch th' chain acrost yon +graveyard,' he says. 'I aim f'r to put th' thrack just befure that large +tombstone marked Riquiescat in Pace, James H. Chung-a-lung,' he says. +'But,' says I, 'ye will disturb pah's bones,' says I, 'if ye go to +layin' ties,' I says. 'Ye'll be mixin' up me ol' man with th' Cassidy's +in th' nex' lot that,' I says, 'he niver spoke to save in anger in his +life,' I says. 'Ye're an ancestor worshiper, heathen,' says the la-ad, +an' he goes on to tamp th' mounds in th' cimitry an ballast th' thrack +with th' remains iv th' deceased. An' afther he's got through along +comes a Fr-rinchman, an' an Englishman, an' a Rooshan, an' a Dutchman, +an' says wan iv them: 'This is a comfortable lookin' saloon,' he says. +'I'll take th' bar, ye take th' ice-box an' th' r-rest iv th' fixtures.' +'What f'r?' says I. 'I've paid th' rent an' th' license,' says I. 'Niver +mind,' says he. 'We're th' riprisintatives iv Westhren Civilization,' +he says, 'an' 'tis th' business iv Westhren Civilization to cut up th' +belongings iv Easthren Civilization,' he says. 'Be off,' he says, 'or +I'll pull ye'er hair,' he says. 'Well,' says I, 'this thing has gone +far enough,' I says. 'I've heerd me good ol' cast-iron gods or josses +abused,' I says, 'an' I've been packed full iv canned goods, an' th' +Peking Lightnin' Express is r-runnin' sthraight through th' lot where +th' bones iv me ancesthors lies,' I says. 'I've shtud it all,' I says, +'but whin ye come here to bounce me off iv me own primises,' I says, +'I'll have to take th' leg iv th' chair to ye,' I says. An' we're to th' +flure." + +"That's th' way it stands in Chiny, Hinnissy, an' it looks to me as +though Westhren Civilization was in f'r a bump. I mind wanst whin a +dhrunk prize fighter come up th' r-road and wint to sleep on Slavin's +steps. Some iv th' good sthrong la-ads happened along an' they were near +bein' at blows over who shud have his watch an' who shud take his hat. +While they were debatin' he woke up an' begin cuttin' loose with hands +an' feet, an' whin he got through he made a collection iv th' things +they dhropped in escapin' an' marched ca'mly down th' sthreet. Mebbe +'twill tur-rn out so in Chiny, Hinnissy. I see be th' pa-apers that +they'se four hundherd millyons iv thim boys an' be hivins! 'twuddent +surprise me if whin they got through batin' us at home, they might say +to thimsilves: 'Well, here goes f'r a jaunt ar-roun' the wurruld.' Th' +time may come, Hinnissey, whin ye'll be squirtin' wather over Hop Lee's +shirt while a man named Chow Fung kicks down ye'er sign an' heaves rocks +through ye'er windy. The time may come, Hinnissy. Who knows?" + +"End ye'er blather," said Mr. Hennessy. "They won't be anny Chinymen +left whin Imp'ror Willum gets through." + +"Mebbe not," says Mr. Dooley. "He's a sthrong man. But th' Chinymen have +been on earth a long time, an' I don't see how we can push so manny iv +thim off iv it. Annyhow, 'tis a good thing f'r us they ain't Christyans +an' haven't larned properly to sight a gun." + + + + +MINISTER WU + + +"Well, sir, me little Chinee frind Woo must be havin' th' time iv his +life in Wash'nton these warm days," said Mr. Dooley. + +"Who's he?" asked Mr. Hennessy. + +"He's th' Chinee ministher," said Mr. Dooley, "an' his business is f'r +to supply fresh hand-laundhried misinformation to the sicrety iv state. +Th' sicrety iv state is settin' in his office feelin' blue because +he's just heerd be a specyal corryspondint iv th' London Daily Pail at +Sydney, Austhreelya, who had it fr'm a slatewriter in Duluth that an +ar-rmy iv four hundherd an' eight thousan' millyon an' sivinty-five +bloodthirsty Chinee, ar-rmed with flatirnes an' cryin', 'Bung Loo!' +which means, Hinnissy, 'Kill th' foreign divvles, dhrive out th' +missionries, an' set up in Chiny a gover'mint f'r the Chinee,' is +marchin' on Vladivostook in Siberyia, not far fr'm Tinsin." + +A knock comes at th' dure an' Woo enthers. 'Well,' says he, with a happy +smile, ''tis all right.' 'What's all right?' says the sicrety iv state. +'Ivrything,' says Woo. 'I have just found a letter sewed in a shirt fr'm +me frind Lie Much, th' viceroy iv Bumbang. It is dated th' fourth hour +iv th' third day iv th' eighth or green-cheese moon,' he says. 'What day +is that?' says the sicrety iv state. 'It's Choosdah, th' fourth iv July; +Winsdah, th' eighth iv October, an' Thursdah, the sivinteenth iv March,' +he says. 'Pathrick's day,' says th' sicrety iv state. 'Thrue f'r ye,' +says Woo. 'What year?' says Jawn Hay. 'The year iv th' big wind,' says +Woo. 'Good,' says John Hay, 'proceed with ye'er story.' 'Here's th' +letther,' says Woo. 'I know 'tis genooyine because it is an ol' dhress +patthern used be th' impress. It says: 'Oscar Woo, care iv himsilf, +annywhere: Dear Woo, brother iv th' moon, uncle iv th' sun, an' roommate +iv th' stars, dear sir: Yours iv th' eighth day iv th' property moon +rayceived out iv th' air yesterdah afthernoon or to-morrow, an' was glad +to note ye ar-re feelin' well. Ivrything over here is th' same ol' +pair iv boots. Nawthin' doin'. Peking is as quiet as th' gr-rave. Her +majesty, th' impress, is sufferin' slightly fr'm death be poison, but is +still able to do th' cookin' f'r the Rooshan ambassadure. Th' impror was +beheaded las' week an' feels so much betther f'r the op'ration that he +expicts to be quarthered nex' Sundah. He's always wanted to rayjooce his +weight. Some iv th' Boxers called on th' foreigners at Tinsin las' week +an' met a warrum rayciption. Th' foreigners aftherward paid a visit to +thim through a hole in th' wall, an' a jolly day concluded with a foot +race, at which our people are becomin' expert. Some iv th' boys expicts +to come up to Peking nex' week, an' th' people along th' line iv th' +railroad are gettin' ready f'r thim. This is really all the news I have, +excipt that cherries ar-re ripe. Me pin is poor, me ink is dhry, me love +f'r you can niver die. Give me regards to Sicrety Hay whin he wakes up. +I remain, illusthrus cousin iv th' risin' dawn, thruly ye'ers, Li. + +P. S.--If ye need anny more information take a longer dhraw.' + +"'That,' says Woo, 'is wan way iv r-readin' it. Read upside down it says +that the impress has become a Swedenboorjan. I will r-read it standin' +on me head whin I get home where I can pin down me overskirt; thin I'll +r-read it in a lookin' glass; thin I'll saw it into sthrips an' r-run +it through a wringer an' lave it stand in a tub iv bluein', an' whin its +properly starched I'll find out what it says. Fin'lly I'll cut it into +small pieces an' cook with rice an' lave it to rest in a cool place, an' +thin 'twill r-read even betther. I hope ye're satisfied,' he says. +'I am,' says Jawn Hay. 'I'll tillygraft to Mark that ivrything is all +r-right,' he says, 'an' that our relations with his majesty or her +majesty or their Boxerships or th' Down-with-th'-foreign-divvlers or +whoiver's runnin' th' shop over beyant are as they ought to be or worse +or betther, as th' case may be,' he says. 'Good,' says Woo, 'ye're a man +afther me own heart,' he says. 'I'll sind ye a little book wrote be a +frind iv mine in Peking,' he says. ''Tis called "Heart to Heart Lies +I Have Had," he says. 'Ye'll like it,' he says. 'In the manetime,' he +says, 'I must write a secret message to go out be to-night's hot-air +express to me corryspondint in Meriden, Connecticut, urgin' him to sind +more im-peeryal edicks iv a fav'r-able nature,' he says. 'I've on'y had +twinty so far, an' I'm gettin' scrivener's palsy,' he says. 'But befure +I go,' he says, 'I bet ye eight millyon yens, or three dollars an' +eighty-four cints iv ye'er money, that ye can't pick out th' shell this +here pea is undher,' he says. An' they set down to a game iv what is +known at Peking as diplomacy, Hinnissy, but on Randolph sthreet viadock +is called the double dirty." + +"I don't believe wan wurrud iv what's in th' pa-apers about Chiny," said +Mr. Hennessy. + +"Well," said Mr. Dooley, "if ye believe annything ye'll believe +ivrything. 'Tis a grand contist that's goin' on between Westhren an' +Easthren civilliezation. 'Tis a joke iv me own, Hinnissy, an' +ye'd undherstand it if ye knew spellin. Th' Westhren civilization, +Hinnissy--that's us--is a pretty good liar, but he's a kind iv +rough-an'-tumble at it. He goes in head down, an' ivry lie he tells +looks like all th' others. Ye niver see an Englishman that had anny +judgment in lyin'. Th' corryspondint iv th' Daily Pail is out iv his +class. He's carryin' lies to Lieville. How in th' wurruld can we compete +with a counthry where ivry lab'rer's cottage projooces lies so delicate +that th' workmen iv th' West can't undherstand thim? We make our lies be +machinery; they tur-rn out theirs be hand. They imitate th' best iv our +canned lies to deceive people that likes that kind, but f'r artists they +have lies that appeals to a more refined taste. Sure I'd like to live +among thim an' find out th' kind iv bouncers they tell each other. They +must be gr-rand. I on'y know their export lies now--th' surplus lies +they can't use at home. An' th' kind they sind out ar-re betther thin +our best. Our lies is no more thin a conthradiction iv th' thruth; their +lies appeals to th' since iv honesty iv anny civilized man." + +"They can't hurt us with their lies," said Mr. Hennessy of our Western +civilization. "We have th' guns an' we'll bate thim yet." + +"Yes," said Mr. Dooley, "an' 'twill be like a man who's had his house +desthroyed be a cyclone gettin' up an' kickin' at th' air." + + + + +THE FUTURE OF CHINA + + +"Be th' time th' Chinese gets through with this here job o' theirs," +said Mr. Dooley, "they'll know a thing or two about good manners an' +Christyan idees." + +"They need thim," said Mr. Hennessy. + +"They do so," said Mr. Dooley. "An' they'll get thim. By an' by th' +allied foorces will proceed to Peking. It may not be in ye'er life time +or in mine, or in th' life time iv th' ministhers, Hinnissy. They ar-re +in no hurry. Th' ministhers ar-re as comfortable as they can be on a +dite iv polo ponies an' bamboo, an' they have exercise enough dodgin' +cannon balls to have no fear iv indygisthion. They'se no need of haste. +Th' allied foorces must take no step forward while wan ar-rmed foe +survives. It was rayported last week that th' advance had begun, but on +sindin' out scouts 'twas discovered that th' asphalt road to th' capital +was not r-ready an' th' gallant sojer boys was afraid to risk their +beecycles on a defictive pavement. Thin th' parlor cars ordhered be th' +Rooshan admiral has not arrived an' wan iv th' Frinch gin'rals lost an +omelette, or whativer 'tis they wear on their shouldhers, an' he won't +budge till it can be replaced fr'm Pahrs. A sthrong corps iv miners an' +sappers has gone ahead f'r to lo-cate good resthrants on th' line iv +march, but th' weather is cloudy an' th' silk umbrellys haven't +arrived, an' they'se supposed to be four hundhred millyon Chiny-men with +pinwheels an' Roman candles blockin' th' way, so th' advance has been +postponed indifinitely. Th' American foorces is r-ready f'r to start +immejately, but they ar-re not there yet. Th' British gin'ral is waitin' +f'r th' Victorya cross befure he does annything, an' th' Japanese an' +th' Rooshan is dancin' up an' down sayin' 'Afther you, me boy.'" + +"But afther awhile, whin th' frost is on th' pumpkin an' th' corn is in +th' shock, whin th' roads has been repaired, an' ivry gin'ral's lookin' +his best, an' in no danger iv a cold on th' chist, they'll prance away. +An' whin they get to th' city iv Peking a fine cillybration is planned +be th' mission'ries. I see th' programme in th' pa-aper: First day, +10 A.M., prayers be th' allied mission'ries; 1 P.M., massacree iv the +impress an' rile fam'ly; sicond day, 10 A.M., scatthrin' iv remains +iv former kings; 11 A.M., disecration iv graves gin'rally; 2 P.M., +massacree iv all gin'rals an' coort officials; third day, 12 noon, +burnin' iv Peking; foorth day, gran' pop'lar massacree an' division iv +territ'ry, th' cillybration to close with a rough-an'-tumble fight among +th' allies." + +"'Twill be a gr-reat occasion, Hinnissy, an' be-dad I'd like to be +there to see it. Ye can't go too sthrong again' th' Chinee. Me frind th' +impror iv Germany put it right. 'Brave boys,' says he, 'ye ar-re goin' +out now,' he says, 'f'r to carry th' light iv Christyanity,' he says, +'an' th' teachin's iv th' German Michael,' he says, 'to th' benighted +haythen beyant,' he says. 'Me an' Mike is watchin' ye' he says, 'an' we +ixpict ye to do ye'er duty,' he says. 'Through you,' he says, 'I propose +to smash th' vile Chinee with me mailed fist,' he says. 'This is no +six-ounce glove fight, but demands a lunch-hook done up in eight-inch +armor plate,' he says. 'Whin ye get among th' Chinee,' he says, +'raymimber that ye ar-re the van guard iv Christyanity,' he says, 'an' +stick ye'er baynet through ivry hated infidel ye see,' he says. 'Lave +thim undherstand what our westhren civilization means,' he says, 'an' +prod thim good an' hard,' he says. 'Open their heads with ye'er good +German swords to Eu-ropyan culture an' refinement,' he says. 'Spare no +man that wears a pigtail,' he says. 'An,' he says, 'me an' th' German +Michael will smile on ye as ye kick th' linin' out iv th' dhragon an' +plant on th' walls iv Peking th' banner,' he says, 'iv th' cross, an',' +he says, 'th' double cross,' he says. 'An' if be chance ye shud pick up +a little land be th' way, don't lave e'er a Frinchman or Rooshan take +it fr'm ye, or ye'll feel me specyal delivery hand on th' back iv ye'er +neck in a way that'll do ye no kind iv good. Hock German Michael,' he +says, 'hock me gran'father, hoch th' penny postage fist,' he says, 'hock +mesilf,' he says. An th' German impror wint back to his bedroom f'r to +wurruk on th' book he's goin' to br-ring out nex' year to take th' place +iv th' bible. + +"He's th' boy f'r me money. Whin th' German throops takes their part +in th' desthruction iv Peking they'll be none iv th' allied foorces 'll +stick deeper or throw th' backbone iv th' impress' ol' father higher +thin th' la-ads fr'm th' home iv th' sausage. I hope th' cillybration +'ll occur on Chris'mas day. I'd like to hear th' sojers singin' 'Gawd +r-rest ye, merry Chinnymen' as they punchered thim with a baynit." + +"'Twill be a good thing," said Mr. Hennessy. + +"It will that," said Mr. Dooley. + +"'Twill civilize th' Chinnymen," said Mr. Hennessy. + +"'Twill civilize thim stiff," said Mr. Dooley. "An' it may not be a bad +thing f'r th' r-rest iv th' wurruld. Perhaps contack with th' Chinee may +civlize th' Germans." + + + + +PLATFORM MAKING + + +"That sthrikes me as a gran' platform," said Mr. Hennessy. "I'm with it +fr'm start to finish." + +"Sure ye are," said Mr. Dooley, "an' so ye'd be if it begun: 'We +denounce Terence Hinnissy iv th' Sixth Ward iv Chicago as a thraitor +to his country, an inimy iv civilization, an' a poor thing.' Ye'd say: +'While there are wan or two things that might be omitted, th' platform +as a whole is a statesmanlike docymint, an' wan that appeals to th' +intelligince iv American manhood.' That's what ye'd say, an' that's what +all th' likes iv ye'd say. An' whin iliction day comes 'round th' on'y +question ye'll ast ye'ersilf is: 'Am I with Mack or am I with Billy +Bryan?' An accordin'ly ye'll vote." + +"'Tis always th' same way, an' all platforms is alike. I mind wanst whin +I was an alter-nate to th' county con-vintion--'twas whin I was a power +in pollytics an' th' on'y man that cud do annything with th' Bohemian +vote--I was settin' here wan night with a pen an' a pot iv ink befure +me, thryin' to compose th' platform f'r th' nex' day, f'r I was a lithry +man in a way, d'ye mind, an' I knew th' la-ads'd want a few crimps put +in th' raypublicans in a ginteel style, an' 'd be sure to call on me f'r +to do it. Well, I'd got as far down as th' tariff an' was thryin' f'r to +express me opinyon without swearin', whin who shud come in but Lafferty, +that was sicrety iv McMahon, that was th' Main Guy in thim days, but +aftherward thrun down on account iv him mixin' up between th' Rorkes an' +th' Dorseys. Th' Main Guy Down Town said he wudden't have no throuble +in th' ward, an' he declared McMahon out. McMahon had too much money +annyhow. If he'd kept on, dollar bills'd have been extinct outside iv +his house. But he was a sthrong man in thim days an' much liked." + +"Anyhow, Lafferty, that was his sicrety, come in, an' says he: 'What are +ye doin' there?' says he. 'Step soft,' says I; 'I am at wurruk,' I says. +'Ye shudden't do lithry wurruk on an empty stomach,' says he. 'I do +nawthin' on an empty stomach but eat,' says I. 'I've had me supper,' I +says. 'Go 'way,' says I, 'till I finish th' platform,' I says. 'What's +th' platform?' says he.'F'r th' county con-vintion,' says I. + +"Well, sir, he set down on a chair, an' I thought th' man was goin' to +die right there on the premises with laughter. 'Whin ye get through +with ye'er barkin',' says I, 'I'll throuble ye to tell me what ye may be +doin' it f'r,' I says. 'I see nawthin' amusin' here but ye'er prisince,' +I says, 'an' that's not a divvle iv a lot funnier than a wooden leg,' +I says, f'r I was mad. Afther awhile he come to, an' says he: 'Ye +don't raally think,' says he, 'that ye'll get a chanct to spring that +platform,' he says. 'I do,' says I. 'Why,' he says, 'the platform has +been adopted,' he says. 'Whin?' says I. 'Befure ye were born,' says he. +'In th' reign iv Bildad th' first,' says he--he was a larned man, was +Lafferty, though a dhrinkin' man. All sicreties iv pollyticians not in +office is dhrinkin' men, Hinnissy. 'Ive got th' copy iv it here in me +pocket,' he says. 'Th' boss give it to me to bring it up to date,' he +says. 'They was no sthrike last year an' we've got to put a sthrike +plank in th' platform or put th' prisident iv th' Lumber Shovers' union +on th' county board, an',' he says, 'they ain't room,' he says. + +"'Why,' says Lafferty, 'ye ought to know th' histhry iv platforms,' he +says. An' he give it to me, an' I'll give it to ye. Years ago, Hinnissy, +manny years ago, they was a race between th' dimmycrats an' th' +raypublicans f'r to see which shud have a choice iv principles. Th' +dimmycrats lost. I dinnaw why. Mebbe they stopped to take a dhrink. +Annyhow, they lost. Th' raypublicans come up an' they choose th' 'we +commind' principles, an' they was nawthin' left f'r the dimmycrats but +th' 'we denounce an' deplores.' I dinnaw how it come about, but th' +dimmycrats didn't like th' way th' thing shtud, an' so they fixed it +up between thim that whichiver won at th' iliction shud commind an' +congratulate, an' thim that lost shud denounce an' deplore. An' so it's +been, on'y the dimmycrats has had so little chanct f'r to do annything +but denounce an' deplore that they've almost lost th' use iv th' other +wurruds. + +"Mack sets back in Wash'nton an' writes a platform f'r th' comity on +risolutions to compose th' week afther. He's got a good job--forty-nine +ninety-two, sixty-six a month--an' 'tis up to him to feel good. +'I--I mean we,' he says, 'congratulate th' counthry on th' matchless +statesmanship, on-shrinkin' courage, steady devotion to duty an' +principle iv that gallant an' hon'rable leader, mesilf,' he says to his +sicrety. 'Take that,' he says, 'an' elaborate it,' he says. 'Ye'll find +a ditchnry on th' shelf near the dure,' he says, 'if ye don't think I've +put what I give ye sthrong enough,' he says. 'I always was,' he says, +'too retirin' f'r me own good,' he says. 'Spin out th' r-rest,' he says, +'to make about six thousan' wurruds,' he says, 'but be sure don't write +annything too hot about th' Boer war or th' Ph'lippeens or Chiny, or +th' tariff, or th' goold question, or our relations with England, or +th' civil sarvice,' he says. 'Tis a foolish man,' he says,'that throws +a hunk iv coal fr'm his own window at th' dhriver iv a brick wagon,' he +says." + +"But with Billy Bryan 'tis diff'rent. He's out in Lincoln, Neebrasky, +far fr'm home, an' he says to himsilf: 'Me throat is hoarse, an' I'll +exercise me other fac'lties,' he says. 'I'll write a platform,' he says. +An' he sets down to a typewriter, an' denounces an' deplores till th' +hired man blows th' dinner horn. Whin he can denounce an' deplore no +longer he views with alarm an' declares with indignation. An' he sinds +it down to Kansas City, where th' cot beds come fr'm." + +"Oh, ye're always pitchin' into some wan," said Mr. Hennessy. "I bet ye +Willum Jennings Bryan niver see th' platform befure it wint in. He's too +good a man." + +"He is all iv that," said Mr. Dooley. "But ye bet he knows th' rale +platform f'r him is: 'Look at th' bad breaks Mack's made,' an' Mack's +platform is: 'Ye'd get worse if ye had Billy Bryan.' An' it depinds on +whether most iv th' voters ar-re tired out or on'y a little tired who's +ilicted. All excipt you, Hinnissy. Ye'll vote f'r Bryan?" + +"I will," said Mr. Hennessy. + +"Well," said Mr. Dooley, "d'ye know, I suspicted ye might." + + + + +THE YACHT RACES + + +"In th' ol' times whin I was a yachtsman--" began Mr. Dooley. + +"Scowman," said Mr. Hennessy. + +"Yachtsman," said Mr. Dooley. "Whin I was a yachtsman, all a man needed +to race was a flat-bottomed boat, an umbrella, an' a long dhrink. In +thim days 'twas 'Up with th' mainsail an' out with th' jib, an' Cap'n +Jawn first to th' Lake View pumpin' station f'r th' see-gars.' Now 'tis +'Ho, f'r a yacht race. Lave us go an' see our lawyers.' 'Tis 'Haul away +on th' writ iv ne exeat,' an' 'Let go th' peak capias.' 'Tis 'Pipe all +hands to th' Supreme Coort.' 'Tis 'A life on th' boundin' docket an' a +home on th' rowlin' calendar.' Befure we die, Sir Lipton'll come over +here f'r that Cup again an' we'll bate him be gettin' out an overnight +injunction. What's th' use iv buildin' a boat that's lible to tip an' +spill us all into th' wet? Turn th' matther over to th' firm iv Wiggins, +Schultz, O'Mally, Eckstein, Wopoppski, Billotti, Gomez, Olson, an' +McPherson, an' lave us have th' law on him." + +"I don't suppose, Hinnissy, I ought to be gettin' off me little jokes +on a seeryous matther like this. What's it all about, says ye? Well, ye +see, 'tis this way. Wanst befure th' war some la-ad fr'm this counthry +took a boat acrost th' Atlantic an' run it again an English boat an' iv +coorse, he won, not bein' tied to th' dock, an' they give him a Cup. I +don't know why they give him a cup, but they give him a cup. He brought +it back here an' handed it to a yacht club, which is an assocyation, +Hinnissy, iv mimbers iv th' Bar. He says: 'Ye keep that cup on ye'er +mantle-piece an' if e'er an Englishman wants it, don't ye give it to +him.' Afther awhile, an Englishman that ownded a boat come afther th' +cup, an 'twas lave go altogether, an' th' las' man to th' line knows +what he is. He's an Englishman, iv coorse. That was all r-right too. But +th' time come whin th' lagal pro-fission took a hand in th' game. 'Look +here,' says they. 'Ye've vilated nearly all th' statues iv th' State +iv Noo Jarsey already,' they says, 'an' if ye ain't careful, ye'll be +hauled up f'r contimpt iv coort,' they says. So they took th' matther +in hand an' dhrew up th' r-right pa-apers. 'State iv Noo York, county +iv Cook, s. s. Know all men be these prisints. To all magisthrates an' +polis officers, greetin.' In re Sir Lipton again th' Cup. Ordhered that +if Sir Lipton shall secure said Cup fr'm aforesaid (which he won't) he +must build a boat as follows: Wan hundherd an' twinty chest, fifty-four +waist, hip an' side pockets, carryin' three hundherd an' sixty-three +thousan' cubic feet iv canvas; th' basement iv th' boat to be papered in +green with yellow flowered dado, open plumbin', steam heat throughout, +th' tinant to pay f'r all repairs. Be means iv this infernal machine, if +enable to kill off th' rile fam'ly, he will attimpt to cross th' stormy +Atlantic, an' if successful, will arrive at th' risidince iv th' party +of th' first part, said John Doe. Wanst there, he will consult with +mimbers iv th' Noo York Bar Association, who will lead him to a firm iv +competent expert accountants, who will give him his time, which is two +minyits measured be th' invarse ratio iv th' distance fr'm th' binnacle +to th' cook-stove, an' fr'm th' cook-stove, east be north to th' +bowspirit. He will thin take his foolish boat down th' bay, an' if he +keeps his health, he can rayturn to th' grocery business, f'r he's a +jolly good fellow which nobody can deny.' + +"Ye can see this, Hinnissy, that yachtin' has become wan iv thl larned +pro-fissions. 'Tis that that got th' la-ad fr'm Boston into it. They's a +jolly Jack Tar f'r ye. In dhrawin' up a lease or framin' a bond, no +more gallant sailor rides th' waves thin hearty Jack Larsen iv th' +Amalgamated Copper Yacht Club. 'What ho?' says he. 'If we're goin' to +have a race,' he says, 'shiver me timbers if I don't look up th' law,' +he says. So he become a yachtsman. 'But,' says th' Noo York la-ads, +thim that has th' Cup on their mantel-piece, 'Ye can race on'y on two +conditions.' 'What ar-re they?' says Larsen. 'Th' first is that ye +become a mimber iv our club.' 'With pleasure,' says he. 'Ye can't,' says +they. 'An' havin' complied with this first condition, ye must give us +ye'er boat,' says they. 'We don't want it,' they says. 'Th' terms suit +me entirely,' says Cap. Larsen. 'I'm a simple sailor man an' I'll give +ye me boat undher th' following conditions,' he says. 'First, that ye +won't take it; second, that ye'll paint me name on th' side iv it in +red letters, three feet high; third, that ye'll inthra-jooce me to th' +Prince iv Wales; foorth, that I'll sail it mesilf. Nawthin',' he says, +'wud give me gr-reater pleasure thin to have me handsome an' expinsive +raft in th' hands iv men who I wud considher it an honor to know,' he +says. 'An' so,' he says, 'I'll on'y ask ye to sign a bond an' lave a +small security, say about five hundherd thousan' dollars, in me hands +in case anny paint shud be knocked off me boat,' he says. 'Yachtin' is +a gintleman's spoort,' he says, 'an' in dalin' with gintlemen,' he says, +'ye can't be too careful,' he says." + +"What's Sir Lipton doin' all this time?" asked Mr. Hennessy. + +"He's preparin' his bond, makin' his will, an' goin' through th' other +lagal preliminaries iv th' race. He's built a boat too. Th' King of +England was aboord iv her, an' he was near killed, be havin' a mast +fall on him. Th' Lord knows how he escaped. A mass iv steel weighin' a +hundherd thousan' ton fell on his Majesty an' bounced off. Sir Lipton +felt pretty bad about it. He didn't mind losin' a mast or two, but he +didn't want annywan to know he had th' king aboord. 'Twud hurt business. +'Boys,' says he to th' rayporthers, 'th' King's on me yacht. D'ye hear +me? Th' King's on me yacht. But don't say annything about it. I don't +want to have it known. Don't print it onless ye have to, an' thin put it +in an inconspicuous place, like th' first page. He's here sure enough, +boys. Th' mast just fell on his Majesty. It nearly kilt him. I'm not +sure it didn't kill him. He remained perfectly cool throughout. So did +I. I was almost cold. So did both iv us. But, mind not a wurrud iv this +in th' pa-apers.' I don't know how th' rayporthers got hold iv it. But +they're a pryin' lot." + +"How did th' mast come to fall?" asked Mr. Hennessy, eagerly. "D'ye +suppose Sir Lipton is wan iv us?" + +"S-sh," said Mr. Dooley, adding, softly, "he was bor-rn in Limerick." + + + + +POLYGAMY + + +"How manny wives has this here man Roberts that's thryin' to break into +Congress?" Mr. Dooley asked. + +"I dinnaw," said Mr. Hennessy; "I nivver heerd iv him." + +"I think it's three," said Mr. Dooley. "No wondher he needs wurruk an' +is fightin' hard f'r th' job. I'm with him too, be hivens. Not that I'm +be taste or inclination a marryin' man, Hinnissy. They may get me to +th' altar some day. Th' best iv us falls, like Cousin George, an' there +ar-re designin' women in this very block that I have me own throubles +in dodgin'. But anny time ye hear iv me bein' dhrawn fr'm th' quite +miseries an' exclusive discomforts iv single life ye may know that they +have caught me asleep an' chloroformed me. It's thrue. But f'r thim that +likes it, it's all r-right, an' if a man's done something in his youth +that he has to do pinance f'r an' th' stations iv th' cross ain't +sthrong enough, lave him, says I, marry as manny women as he wants an' +live with them an' die contint. Th' Mormons thinks they ar-re commanded +be the Lord f'r to marry all th' ineligeable Swede women. Now, I don't +believe th' Lord iver commanded even a Mormon f'r to do annything +so foolish, an' if he did he wudden't lave th' command written on a +pie-plate an' burrid out there at Nauvoo, in Hancock county, Illinye. Ye +can bet on that, Hinnissy." + +"But if anny wan believes 'twas done, I say, lave him believe it an' +lave him clasp to his bosom as manny Olesons as 'll have him. Sure in +th' prisint state iv th' mathrimonyal market, as Hogan calls it, whin +he goes down to coort th' rich Widow O'Brien, th' la-ad that wants to +engage in interprises iv that sort ought to have a frind in ivry wan but +th' men that keeps imploymint agencies. + +"But no. Th' minyit a Mormon thries to break into a pollytical job, +a dillygation rises an' says they: 'What!' they says, 'permit this +polluted monsther f'r to invade th' chaste atmosphere,' they says, 'iv +th' house iv riprisintatives,' they says. 'Permit him f'r to parade his +fam'ly down Pinnsylvanya Av'noo an' block thraffic,' they says. +'Permit him mebbe to set in th' chair wanst occypied be th' laminted +Breckinridge,' they says. An' they proceed f'r to hunt th' poor, crowded +man. An' he takes a day off to kiss his wife fr'm house to house, an' +holds a meetin' iv his childher to bid thim good-by an' r-runs to hide +in a cave till th' dillygation raymimbers that they have husbands iv +their own an' goes home to cook th' supper. + +"A Mormon, Hinnissy, is a man that has th' bad taste an' th' rellijion +to do what a good manny other men ar-re restrained fr'm doin' be +conscientious scruples an' th' polis. I don't want anny wife; ye, +Hinnissy, ar-re satisfied, not to say con-tint, with wan; another la-ad +feels that he'd be lonesome without tin. 'Tis a matther iv disposition. +If iver I got started th' Lord on'y knows where I'd bring up. I might +be like me frind an' fellow-sultan, Hadji Mohammed. Hadji has wives +to burn, an' wanst in awhile he bur-rns wan. He has a betther job thin +Congressman." + +"Th' best a congressman can get is foorth-class postmasther an' a +look in at th' White House on visitin' day. But Hadji, th' pop'lar an' +iloquent sultan iv Sulu an' Bazeen iv th' Ohio iv th' Passyfic, owns his +own palace an' disthributes his own jobs. No man can hold th' office iv +bow-sthringer iv our impeeryal domain without a certy-ficate fr'm +Hadji. From th' highest office in th' land to th' lowest, fr'm th' chief +pizener to th' throne, to th' humblest ixicutioner that puts a lady in a +bag an' dumps her into th' lake in th' Nine Millionth Assimbly district +they look to Hadji Mohammed f'r their places. He is th' High Guy, th' +Main Thing. He's ivrybody. When he quits wurrk th' governmint is over +f'r th' day. An' does annywan thry to interfere with Hadji? Does annywan +say 'Hadji, ye'll have to abandon two or three hundherd iv ye 'er +firesides. Ye ar-re livin' jus' inside th' left field fince iv our +domain an' 'tis a rule iv th' game that we've taken ye into that no +wan shall have more thin wan wife at a time that annywan knows iv. In' +behalf iv th' comity iv th' Society f'r th' Supprission iv Poly-gamy, I +request ye to discard Nora an' Eileen an' Mary Ann an' Sue an' Bimbi +an' th' r-rest iv th' bunch, an' cleave on'y to Lucille. I judge be her +looks that she's th' first Missus Haitch.' + +"No, sir. If he did he'd reach th' ship that runs between our outlying +wards without a hair to his head. Instead iv reproachin' Hadji with +his domestic habits, wan iv th' envoys that ar-re imployed in carryin' +messages fr'm th' prisidint to his fellow-citizens, proceeds to th' +pretty little American village iv Sulu, where he finds Hadji settin' up +on a high chair surrounded be wives. 'Tis a domestic scene that'd make +Brigham Young think he was a bachelor. Hadji is smokin' a good seegar +an' occasionally histin' a dhrink iv cider, an' wan iv th' ladies +is playin' a guitar, an' another is singin' 'I want ye my Sulu,' an' +another is makin' a tidy, an' three or four hundred more ar-re sewin' +patches on th' pants iv th' Hadji kids. An' th' ambassadure he +says: 'Mos' rile an' luminous citizen, here is a copy iv th' Annual +Thanksgivin' pro-clamation,' he says. 'Tis addhressed to all th' hearty +husbandmen iv our belovid counthry, manin' you among others,' he says. +'An' here,' he says, 'is th' revised constitution,' he says. 'Th' +original wan,' he says, 'was intinded f'r ol' stick-in-th'-muds that +wudden't know th' difference between a harem an' a hoe,' he says. 'This +wan,' he says, 'is more suited f'r th' prisint gay an' expansive times,' +he says. 'It permits a man to cleave to as manny wives,' he says, 'as +his race, color, an' prevyous condition iv servitude will permit,' he +says. 'Thank ye kindly,' says Hadji, 'I'll threasure these here papers +as a vallyable meminto fr'm that far distant home iv mine which I have +niver see,' he says. 'I'd inthrojooce ye to Mrs. Hadji wan by wan,' +he says, 'but 'twud be betther,' he says, 'f'r to stand up here an' be +prisinted to her as a whole,' he says, 'f'r,' he says, ''tis growing +late an' I want ye to come up to th' house,' he says, 'an' pick a +mission'ry with me,' he says. 'A Baptist,' he says, 'raised on th' +farm,' he says. An' Hadji holds his job an' looks for'rard to th' day +whin we'll have female suffrage an' he can cast th' solid vote iv Sulu +for himsilf f'r prisident." + +"Thin," said Mr. Hennessy, "ye'er frind Roberts ought to move to +what-d'ye-call-th' place." + +"That's what I'm thinkin'," said Mr. Dooley. "But 'tis too bad f'r him +he was bor-rn at home." + + + + +PUBLIC FICKLENESS + + +Mr. Dooley put his paper aside and pushed his spectacles up on his +forehead. "Well," he said, "I suppose, afther all, we're th' mos' +lively nation in th' wurruld. It doesn't seem many months ago since ye, +Hinnissy, was down at th' depot cheerin' th' departin' heroes----" + +"I niver was," said Mr. Hennessey. "I stayed at home." + +"Since ye was down cheerin' th' departin' heroes," Mr. Dooley continued, +"an' thryin' to collect what they owed ye. Th' papers was full iv news +iv th' war. Private Jawn Thomas Bozoom iv Woonsocket, a mimber iv th' +gallant an' devoted Wan Hundhred an' Eighth Rhode Island, accidentally +slipped on a orange peel while attimptin' to lave th' recruitin' office +an' sustained manny con-tu-sions. He rayfused to be taken home an' +insisted on jinin' his rig'mint at th' rayciption in th' fair groun's. +Gallant Private Bozoom! That's th' stuff that American heroes ar-re made +iv. Ye find thim at th' forge an' at th' plough, an' dhrivin' sthreet +cars, an' ridin' in th' same. The favored few has th' chanst to face th' +bullets iv th'inimy. 'Tis f'r these unknown pathrites to prove that a +man can sarve his counthry at home as well as abroad. Private Bozoom +will not be f'rgot be his fellow-counthrymen. A rayciption has been +arranged f'r him at th' Woonsocket op'ry-house, an' 'tis said if he will +accipt it, th' vote iv th' State iv Rhode Island'll be cast f'r him f'r +prisidint. 'Tis at such times as this that we reflict that th' wurruld +has wurruk f'r men to do, an' mere politicians mus' retire to th' rear." + +"That was a few months ago. Where's Bozoom now? If iver ye go to +Woonsocket, Hinnissy, which Gawd f'rbid, ye'll find him behind th' +counther iv th' grocery store ladlin' out rutabaga turnips into a brown +paper cornucopy an' glad to be alive. An' 'tis tin to wan, an' more thin +that, that th' town humorist has named him th' orange-peel hero, an' +he'll go to his grave with that name. Th' war is over an' th' state iv +war exists. If ye saw a man fall fr'm th' top iv a tin-story buildin' +'twud startle ye, wanst. If it happened again, 'twud surprise ye. But +if ye saw a man fall ivry fifteen minyits ye'd go home afther awhile f'r +supper an' ye wuddent even mintion it to ye'er wife." + +"I don't know how manny heroes they ar-re in th' Philippeens. Down there +a man is ayether a sojer or a casualty. Bein' a casualty is no good. I +cud say about a man: 'He was a hero in th' war with Spain,' but how can +I say: 'Shake hands with Bill Grady, wan iv th' ladin' casualties iv our +late war?' 'Twud be no more thin to say he was wan iv th' gallant men +that voted f'r prisidint in 1896.'" + + +{Illustration} + + +"No, Hinnissy, people wants novelties in war. Th' war fashions iv 1898 +is out iv style. They ar-re too full in th' waist an' too long in th' +skirt. Th' style has changed. There ar-re fifty thousand backward men +in th' fair isles iv th' Passyfic fightin' to free th' Philippeen +fr'm himsilf an' becomin' a casualty in th' operation, but no one is +charterin' ar-rmy hospital ships f'r thim." + +"No one is convartin' anny steam yachts f'r thim. No wan is sindin' +eighty tons iv plum puddin' to complete th' wurruk iv destruction. They +ar-re in a war that'd make th' British throops in Africa think they were +drillin' f'r a prize banner. But'tis an onfashionable war.' 'Tis an ol' +war made over fr'm garments formerly worn be heroes. Whin a man is out +in th' counthry with wan newspaper an' has read th' authentic +dispatches fr'm Ladysmith an' Harrismith an' Willumaldensmith an' +Mysteriousbillysmith an' the meetin' iv th' czar iv Rooshia with th' +Impror Willum an' th' fire in th' packin' house an' th' report iv th' +canal thrustees an' th' fightin' news an' th' want ads, an' afther he +has r-read thim over twinty times he looks at his watch an' says he, +'Holy smoke, 'tis two hours to thrain time an' I suppose I'll have to +r-read th' news fr'm th' Philippeens.' War, be hivins, is so common that +I believe if we was to take on a fight with all th' wurruld not more +thin half th' popylation iv New England'd die iv hear-rt disease befure +they got into th' cellars." + +"Th' new style iv war is made in London an' all our set is simply +stuck on it. Th' casualties in th' Philippeens can walk home, but is it +possible that many thrue an' well-dhressed American can stand to see +th' signs iv th' ancient British aristocracy taken care iv be their own +gover'mint? 'What,' says Lady what's-her-name (her that was th' daughter +iv wan iv our bravest an' best racontoors). 'What.' she says, 'will anny +American woman residin' in London see men shot down,' she says, 'that +has but recently played polo in our very sight,' she says, 'an' be +brought home in mere thransports,' she says. 'Ladies,' she says, 'lave +us equip a hospital ship,' she says. 'I thrust,' she says, 'that all +iv us has been long enough fr'm home to f'rget our despicable domestic +struggles,' she says, 'an' think on'y iv humanity,' she says. An' whin +she opens up th' shop f'r subscriptions ye'd think fr'm th' crowd that +'twas th' first night iv th' horse show. I don't know what Lem Stiggins +iv Kansas, marked down in th' roll, Private in th' Twintieth Kansas, +Severely, I don't know what Private Severely thinks iv it. An' I wuddent +like to know till afther Thanks-givin'." + +"Don't be blatherin'," said Mr. Hennessy. "Sure ye can't ixpict people +to be inthrested f'river in a first performance." + +"No," said Mr. Dooley, "but whin th' audjeence gives th' comp'ny an +encore it ought at laste to pretind that it's not lavin' f'r th' other +show." + + + + +KENTUCKY POLITICS + + +"If th' Presidint doesn't step in an' interfere," said Mr. Hennessy, +"they'll be bloodshed in Kentucky." + +"What business is it iv Mack's?" Mr. Dooley protested. "Th' war's in +this counthry, man alive! If 'twas in Boolgahria or Chiny or on th' +head waters iv th' Bozoon river in th' sooltynate iv--iv--I dinnaw +what--thin'twud be th' jooty iv our gover'mint f'r to resolve that th' +inthrests iv humanity an' civilization an' th' advancement iv th' human +kind required that we shud step in an' put a head on wan or both iv th' +parties. But they'se no reason now, me boy, f'r us to do annything, +f'r these are our own people, an' 'tis wan iv their rights, undher th' +martial law that's th' foundation iv our institutions, to bate each +other to death whiniver an' whereiver they plaze. 'Twud be all r-right +f'r the Impror Willum to come in an' take a hand, but Gawd help him if +he did, or th' Prsidint iv th' Fr-rinch or th' Impror iv Chiny. 'Twud be +all r-right f'r thim. An' though we might meet thim at th' dure an' hand +thim wan f'r their impydince, we'd be in th' wrong. Twud be a good job +f'r Aggynaldoo, too, if he cud find himsilf an' had th' time It must be +clear to him be what news he hears whin th' other pigrim father, Sinitor +Hoar, calls on him in th' three where he makes his home, that what +Kentucky needs now is wan an' on'y wan stable govermint an' a little +public peace. He might restore peace at home an' abroad be cuttin' in, +but th' poor la-ad has other things to think iv. I'd like to see him. It +must be near a year since he had a shave or a hair cut, barrin' ridges +made be bullets as he cleared th' fences." + +"It looks to me as though th' raypublican is wr-rong," said Mr. +Hennessy, with the judicial manner of a man without prejudices. + +"Iv coorse he's wrong," said Mr. Dooley. "He starts wrong. An' th' +dimmycrats ar-re r-right. They're always r-right. Tis their position. +Th' dimmycrats ar-re right an' the raypublicans has th' jobs. It all +come up because our vinerated party, Hinnissy, ain't quick at th' count. +Man an' boy I've taken an intherest in politics all me life, an' I find +th' on'y way to win an iliction is to begin f'r to count th' minyit +ye've completed th' preliminaries iv closin' th' polls an' killin' th' +other judges an' clerks. + +"Th' dimmycrats counted, but th' count come too late. Be th' time th' +apparent an' hidjous majority iv th' raypublicans was rayjooced to +nawthin' an' a good liberal, substantial, legal an' riotous dimmycratic +majority put in its place be ordher iv th' coorts, th' commonwealth iv +Kentucky an' Jack Chinn, th' raypublican has been so long in th'job an' +has become so wedded to it that ye cuddent shake him out with a can +iv joynt powdher. It seems to him that there niver was a time whin he +wasn't gov'nor." + +{Illustration} + +"Th' dimmycrats get together an' call on that learned an' incorruptible +joodishary that's done so much to ilivate the party into high office, +an' whin th' dure iv th' saloon is locked they say 'Bill,' they say, +'we're bein' robbed iv our suffrage,' says they. 'Th' hated enimy has +stolen th' ballot an' thrampled on th' r-rights iv th' citizens,' says +they, 'in the southern part iv th' state faster thin we cud undo their +hellish wurruk in our own counties,' they says. 'They now hol' th' +jobs,' they say, 'an' if they stay in they'se no more chanst iv iver +ilictin' a dimmycrat again thin there wud be iv ilictin' a raypublican +if we got in,' they say. 'Do ye mix us up a replevy writ an' we'll go +over an' haul th' chair fr'm undher thim,' they say." + +"So th' judge passes out a replevy writ be vartue iv th' thrust that's +been reposed in him be th' comity and gives it to Colonel Jack Chinn, +wan iv th' leaders iv th' Kentucky bar, f'r to serve. An' Colonel Jack +Chinn ar-rms himsilf as becomes a riprisintative iv a gr-reat coort +goin' to sarve a sacred writ iv replevy on th' usurper to th' loftiest +or wan iv th' loftiest jobs that th' people iv a gloryous state can +donate to a citizen. He sthraps on three gatlin' guns, four revolvers, +two swords, a rifle, a shot gun, a baseball bat, a hand grenade (to be +used on'y in case iv thirst), a pair iv handcuffs, brass knuckles, a +sandbag, a piece of lead pipe in a stockin', a rabbit's foot f'r luck, +a stove lid an' a can iv dinnymite, an' with siveral iv his cillybrated +knives behind his ears, in his hair, between his teeth, an' gleamin' +fr'm his pockets, he sallies forth on his sacred mission, an' gives +th' writ to a clerk to sarve, an' stays in town himsilf, where he +successfully resists all charges iv th' bartinder. Th' clerk goes up to +th' state house, where th' gov'nor is ixicutin' th' high thrust reposed +in him be himsilf, behind breastworks an' guarded be some iv th' most +desp'rate an' pathriotic ruffyans in th' state. 'What have ye there?' +says his ixcillincy, with his hand on th' sthring iv a dinnymite gun. 'A +writ fr'm th' coort bouncin' ye fr'm ye'er high office,' says th' +clerk. 'As a law abidin' citizen,' says his ixcillincy, 'an' an official +enthrusted be th' people iv this glad state with th' exicution iv th' +statutes I bow to th' law,' he says. 'But,' he says, 'I'll be hanged +if I'll bow to th' decree iv anny low browed pussillanimous dimmycratic +coort,' he says, 'Sojers,' he says, 'seize this disturber iv th' peace +an' stick him in th' cellar. Jawn,' he says, 'ar-rm ye'ersilf an' +proceed to th' raypublican timple iv justice in Hogan's saloon an' have +th' stanch an' upright Judge Blood prepare some good honest writs iv +th' party iv Lincoln an' Grant,' he says. 'In th' manetime, as th' +constitootion has lost its sights an' the cylinder don't revolve,' he +says, 'I suspind it an' proclaim martial law,' he says. 'I want a law,' +he says, 'that mesilf an' all other good citizens can rayspict,' he +says. 'I want wan,' he says, 'that's been made undher me own personal +supervision,' he says. 'Hand-made, copper distilled, wan hun-dherd an' +tin proof martial law ought to be good enough for anny Kentuckyan,' he +says. So th' next ye hear th' sojers ar-re chasin' th' coorts out iv +th' state, th' legislature is meetin' in Duluth, Pinsacola, an' Bangor, +Maine, an' a comity iv citizens consistin' iv some iv the best gun +fighters iv th' state ar-re meetin' to decide how th' conthroversay can +be decided without loss iv blood or jobs. While they're in session th' +gov'nor is in contimpt iv coort, the coorts ar-re in contimpt iv th' +gov'nor, an' if annybody but Tiddy Rosenfclt has anny other feelin' f'r +ayether iv thim I haven't heerd him speak." + +"They ought to fire out the raypublican," said Mr. Hennessy. "Sure 'tis +comin' to a nice state iv affairs whin th' likes iv him can defy the +coorts." + +"Thrue f'r ye," said Mr. Dooley. "But I don't like th' looks iv it fr'm +our side iv th' house. Whiniver a dimmycrat has to go to coort to win +an iliction I get suspicious. They'se something wr-rong in Kentucky, +Hinnissy. We were too slow. Th' inimy got th' first cheat." + + + + +YOUNG ORATORY + + +"They'se wan thing that this counthry ought to be thankful f'r," said +Mr. Dooley, laying down his paper, "an' that is that we still have a lot +iv young an' growin' orators f'r to lead us on." + +"Who's been oratin' now?" Mr. Hennessy asked. + +"Me young frind Sinitor Beveridge, th' child orator iv Fall Creek. This +engagin' an' hopeful la-ad first made an impression with his eloquince +at th' age iv wan whin he addhressed a meetin' iv th' Tippecanoe club on +th' issues iv th' day. At th' age iv eight he was illicted to th' United +States Sinit, rayjoocin' th' average age iv that body to ninety-three +years. In th' sinit, bein' a modest child, he rayfused to speak f'r five +minyits, but was fin'lly injooced f'r to make a few thousan' remarks on +wan iv th' subjects now much discussed by orators whin th' dures ar-re +closed an' th' fire escapes broken." + +"His subject was th' Ph'lippeens, an' he said he'd just come fr'm there. +'I have cruised,' he says, 'f 'r two thousan' miles through th' Ar-rchey +Pelago--that's a funny name--ivry minyit a surprise an' delight to those +that see me,' he says. 'I see corn growin' on banana threes; I see th' +gloryous heights iv Ding Dong that ar-re irradyatin'. civilization like +quills upon th' fretful porcypine,' he says. 'I see rice, coffee, rolls, +cocoanuts, choice seegars, oats, hay, hard and soft coal, an' Gen'ral +Otis--an' there's a man that I rayspict,' he says. 'I see flowers +bloomin' that was superyor to anny conservatory in Poolasky county,' +he says. 'I see th' low and vicious inhabitants iv th' counthry soon, I +thrust, to be me fellow-citizens, an' as I set there an' watched th' sea +rollin' up its uncounted millyons iv feet iv blue wather, an' th' stars +sparklin' like lamp-posts we pass in th' night, as I see th' mountains +raisin' their snow-capped heads f'r to salute th' sun, while their feet +extinded almost to th' place where I shtud; whin I see all th' glories +iv that almost, I may say, thropical clime, an' thought what a good +place this wud be f'r to ship base-burnin' parlor stoves, an' men's +shirtings to th' accursed natives iv neighborin' Chiny, I says to +mesilf, 'This is no mere man's wurruk. A Higher Power even than Mack, +much as I rayspict him, is in this here job. We cannot pause, we cannot +hesitate, we cannot delay, we cannot even stop! We must, in other +wurruds, go on with a holy purpose in our hearts, th' flag over our +heads an' th' inspired wurruds iv A. Jeremiah Beveridge in our ears,' he +says. An' he set down." + +"Well, sir,'twas a gr-reat speech. 'Twas a speech ye cud waltz to. Even +younger men thin Sinitor Beveridge had niver made grander orations. Th' +throuble is th' sinit is too common f'r such magnificent sintimints; +its too common and its too old. Th' young la-ad comes fr'm home, where's +he's paralyzed th' Lithry Society an' th' Debatin' Club, an' he loads +himsilf up with a speech an' he says to himsilf: 'Whin I begin peggin' +ar-round a few iv these vilets I'll make Ol' Hoar look like confederate +money,' an' th' pa-apers tell that th' Infant Demostheens iv Barry's +Junction is about f'r to revive th oratorical thraditions iv th' sinit +an' th' fire department comes up f'r a week, an' wets down th' capitol +buildin'. Th' speech comes off, they ain't a dhry eye in th' House, an' +th' pa-apers say: 'Where's ye'er Dan'l Webster an' ye'er Champ Clark, +now?' An' th' young man goes away an' has his pitchers took on a +kinetoscope. He has a nice time while it lasts, Hinnissy, but it +don't las' long. It don't las' long. Th' la-ad has th' wind, but it's +endurance that counts." + +"Th' wise ol' boys with their long whiskers discusses him over th' +sivin-up game, an' says wan iv thim: 'What ye think iv th' kid's +speech?' ''Twas a good speech,' says th' other. 'It carries me back to +me own boyhood days. I made a speech just like that durin' th' Mexican +War. Oh, thim days, thim days! I lead th' ace, Mike.' An' afther awhile +th' Boy Demostheens larns that while he's polishin' off his ipigrams, +an' ol' guy, that spinds all his time sleepin' on a bench, is polishin' +him off. Th' man that sinds seeds to his constitooents lasts longer thin +th' wan that sinds thim flowers iv iloquence, an' though th' hand iv +Gawd may be in th' Ph'lippeen question, it hasn't interfered up to date +in th' sergeant-at-arms question. An' whin th' young man sees this he +says, 'sky,' whin he means 'sky' an' not 'th' jooled canopy iv +hiven,' an' he says, 'Ph'lippeens,' an' not 'th' gloryous isles iv +th' Passyfic,' an' bein' onto th' character iv his fellow-sinitors, +he mintions nobody higher in their prisence thin th' steward iv th' +capitol. An' he niver makes a speech but whin he wants to smoke, an' +thin he moves that th' sinit go into executive session. Thin he's a rale +sinitor. I've seen it manny's th' time--th' boy orator goin' into th' +sinit, an' comin' out a deef mute. I've seen a man that made speeches +that was set to music an' played be a silver cornet band in Ioway that +hadn't been in Congress f'r a month befure he wudden't speak above a +whisper or more thin an inch fr'm ye'er ear." + +"Do ye think Hiven sint us to th' Ph'lippeens?" Mr. Hennessy asked. + +"I don't know," said Mr. Dooley, "th' divvle take thim." + + + + +PUBLIC GRATITUDE + + +"This man Dewey--," began Mr. Dooley. + +"I thought he was ye'er cousin George," Mr. Hennessy interrupted. + +"I thought he was," said Mr. Dooley, "but on lookin' closer at his +features an' r-readin' what th' pa-apers says about him, I am convinced +that I was wrong. Oh, he may be a sicond cousin iv me Aunt Judy. I'll +not say he ain't. There was a poor lot, all iv them. But I have no close +rilitives in this counthry. 'Tis a way I have of savin' a little money. +I'm like th' good an' gr-rateful American people. Th' further ye +stay away fr'm thim th' more they like ye. Sicond-cousin-iv-me +Aunt-Judy-George made a mistake comin' home, or if he did come home he +ought've invistigated his welcome and see that it wasn't mined. A man +cud stand up all day an' lave Packy Mountjoy whale away at him, but th' +affiction iv th' American people is always aimed thrue an' is invaryably +fatal." + +"Th' la-ad Dougherty was in to-day, an' he exprissed th' feelin's iv +this grateful raypublic. He says, says he, 'This fellow Dewey ain't what +I thought he was,' he says. 'I thought he was a good, broad, lib'ral +man, an' it turns out he's a cheap skate,' he says. 'We made too much +fuss over him,' he says. 'To think,' he says, 'iv him takin' th' +house we give him an' tur-rnin' it over to his wife,' he says. ''Tis +scand'lous,' he says. 'How much did ye con-thribute?' says I. 'I didn't +give annything,' he says 'The collector didn't come around, an' I'm glad +now I hung on to me coin,' he says. 'Well,' says I, 'I apprechate ye'er +feelin's,' I says. 'Ye agree with th' other subscribers,' I says. 'But +I've med up me mind not to lave annywan talk to me about Dewey,' I +says, 'unless,' I says, 'he subscribed th' maximum amount iv th' +subscription,' I says, 'thirty-eight cints,' I says. 'So I'll thank ye +to tip-toe out,' I says, 'befure I give ye a correct imitation iv Dewey +an' Mountjoy at th' battle of Manila,' I says. An' he wint away." + +"Th' throuble with Dewey is he was so long away he lost his +undherstanding iv th' thrue feelin' iv th' American people. George +r-read th' newspapers, an' he says to himself: 'Be hivins, they think +well iv what I done. I guess I'll put a shirt in me thrunk an' go home, +f'r 'tis hot out here, an' ivrybody'll be glad f'r to see me,' he says. +An' he come along, an' New York was r-ready f'r him. Th' business in +neckties had been poor that summer, an' they was necessity f'r pullin' +it together, an' they give George a welcome an' invited his admirers +fr'm th' counthry to come in an' buy something f'r th' little wans at +home. An' he r-rode up Fifth Avnoo between smilin' rows iv hotels an' +dhrug stores, an' tin-dollar boxes an' fifty-cint seats an' he says to +himsilf: 'Holy smoke, if Aggynaldoo cud on'y see me now.' An' he was +proud an' happy, an' he says: 'Raypublics ar-re not always ongrateful.' +An' they ain't. On'y whin they give ye much gratichood ye want to freeze +some iv it, or it won't keep." + +"'Tis unsafe f'r anny man alive to receive th' kind wurruds that ought +to be said on'y iv th' dead. As long as George was a lithograph iv +himsilf in a saloon window he was all r-right. Whin people saw he cud +set in a city hall hack without flowers growin' in it an' they cud look +at him without smoked glasses they begin to weaken in their devotion. +'Twud've been th' same, almost, if he'd married a Presbyteeryan an' +hadn't deeded his house to his wife. 'Dewey don't look much like a +hero,' says wan man. 'I shud say not,' says another. 'He looks like +annybody else.' 'He ain't a hero,' says another. 'Why, annybody cud've +done what he did. I got an eight-year-old boy, an' if he cudden't take a +baseball club an' go in an' bate that Spanish fleet into junk in twinty +minyits I'd call him Alger an' thrade him off f'r a bicycle,' he says. +'I guess that's r-right. They say he was a purty tough man befure he +left Wash'n'ton.' 'Sure he was. Why, so-an'-so-an'-so-an'-so.' 'Ye don't +tell me!' 'Is there annything in that story about his beatin' his poor +ol' aunt an' her iliven childher out iv four dollars?' 'I guess that's +straight. Ye can tell be th' looks iv him he's a mean man. I niver see +a man with squintin' eyes an' white hair that wudden't rob a church!' +'He's a cow'rd, too. Why, he r-run away at th' battle iv Manila. +Ivrybody knows it. I r-read what Joe What's-His-Name wrote--th' br-rave +corryspondint. He says this feller was sick at his stummick an' retired +befure th' Spanish fire. Why, what'd he have to fight but a lot iv ol' +row-boats? A good swimmer with sharp teeth cud've bit his way through +th' whole Spanish fleet. An' he r-run away. I tell ye, it makes me tired +to think iv th' way we abused th' Spanyards not long ago. Why, say, +they done a lot betther thin this fellow Dewey, with his forty or fifty +men-iv-war an' this gran' nation, miles away, standin' shoulder to +shoulder at his back. They niver tur-rned over their property to their +wives.' 'Yes,' says wan man, 'Dewey was a cow'rd. Let's go an' stone his +house.' 'No,' says the crowd, 'he might come out. Let's go down to th' +v'riety show an' hiss his pitcher in th' kinetoscope.' Well!'" + +"Well what?" demanded Mr. Hennessy. + +"Well," Mr. Dooley continued, "I was on'y goin' to say, Hinnissy, that +in spite iv me hathred iv George as a man--a marrid man--an' me contimpt +f'r his qualities as a fighter, in spite iv th' chickens he has stole +an' the notes he has forged an' th' homes he has rooned, if he was +to come r-runnin' up Archey road, as he might, pursooed be ladies an' +gintlemen an' th' palajeem iv our liberties peltin him with rotten eggs +an' ol' cats, I'd open th' dure f'r him, an' whin he come in I'd put me +fut behind it an' I'd say to th' grateful people: 'Fellow-citizens,' I'd +say, 'lave us,' I'd say. 'They'se another hero down in Halstead Sthreet +that's been marrid. Go down an' shivaree him. An' you, me thrusted +collagues iv th' press, disperse to ye'er homes,' I'd say. 'Th' keyholes +is closed f'r th' night, I'd say. An' thin I'd bolt th' dure an' I'd +say, 'George, take off ye'er coat an' pull up to th' fire. Here's a +noggin' iv whisky near ye'er thumb an' a good seegar f'r ye to smoke. +I'm no hero-worshiper. I'm too old. But I know a man whin I see wan, an' +though we cudden't come out an' help ye whin th' subscription list wint +wild, be sure we think as much iv ye as we did whin ye'er name was first +mintioned be th' stanch an' faithful press. Set here, ol' la-ad, an' +warrum ye'er toes by th' fire. Set here an' r-rest fr'm th' gratichood +iv ye'er fellow-counthrymen, that, as Shakspere says, biteth like an +asp an' stingeth like an adder. R-rest here, as ye might r-rest at th' +hearth iv millyons iv people that cud give ye no house but their own!" + +"I dinnaw about that," said Mr. Hennessy. "I like Dewey, but I think he +oughtn't to've give away th' gift iv th' nation." + +"Well," said Mr. Dooley, "if 'twas a crime f'r an American citizen to +have his property in his wife's name they'd be close quarthers in th' +pinitinchry." + + + + +MARRIAGE AND POLITICS + + +"I see," said Mr. Hennessy, "that wan iv thim New York joods says a man +in pollytics oughtn't to be marrid." + +"Oh, does he?" said Mr. Dooley. + +"Well, 'tis little he knows about it. A man in pollytics has got to be +marrid. If he ain't marrid where'll he go f'r another kind iv throuble? +An' where'll he find people to support? An unmarrid man don't get along +in pollytics because he don't need th' money. Whin he's in th' middle iv +a prim'ry, with maybe twinty or thirty iv th' opposite party on top +iv him, thinks he to himsilf: 'What's th' good iv fightin' f'r a job? +They'se no wan depindant on me f'r support,' an' he surrinders. But a +marrid man says: 'What'll happen to me wife an' twelve small childher if +I don't win out here today?' an' he bites his way to th' top iv th' pile +an' breaks open th' ballot box f'r home and fireside. That's th' thruth +iv it, Hinnissy. Ye'll find all th' big jobs held be marrid men an' all +th' timpry clerkships be bachelors." + +"Th' reason th' New York jood thinks marrid men oughtn't to be in +pollytics is because he thinks pollytics is spoort. An' so it is. But +it ain't amachoor spoort, Hinnissy. They don't give ye a pewter mug with +ye'er name on it f'r takin' a chanst on bein' kilt. 'Tis a profissional +spoort, like playin' base-ball f'r a livin' or wheelin' a thruck. Ye +niver see an amachoor at annything that was as good as a profissional. +Th' best amachoor ball team is beat be a bad profissional team; a +profissional boxer that thrains on bock beer an' Swiss cheese can lam +the head off a goold medal amachoor champeen that's been atin' moldy +bread an' dhrinkin' wather f'r six months, an' th' Dago that blows th' +cornet on th' sthreet f'r what annywan 'll throw him can cut the figure +eight around Dinnis Finn, that's been takin' lessons f'r twinty year. +No, sir, pollytics ain't dhroppin' into tea, an' it ain't wurrukin' a +scroll saw, or makin' a garden in a back yard. 'Tis gettin' up at six +o'clock in th' mornin' an' r-rushin' off to wurruk, an' comin' home at +night tired an' dusty. Double wages f'r overtime an' Sundahs." + +"So a man's got to be marrid to do it well. He's got to have a wife at +home to make him oncomfortable if he comes in dhrunk, he's got to +have little prattlin' childher that he can't sind to th' Young Ladies' +academy onless he stuffs a ballotbox properly, an' he's got to have a +sthrong desire f'r to live in th' av'noo an' be seen dhrivin' downtown +in an open carredge with his wife settin' beside him undher a r-red +parasol. If he hasn't these things he won't succeed in pollytics--or +packin' pork. Ye niver see a big man in pollytics that dhrank hard, +did ye? Ye never will. An' that's because they're all marrid. Th' +timptation's sthrong, but fear is sthronger." + +"Th' most domestic men in th' wurruld ar-re politicians, an' they always +marry early. An' that's th' sad part iv it, Hinnissy. A pollytician +always marries above his own station. That's wan sign that he'll be a +successful pollytician. Th' throuble is, th' good woman stays planted +just where she was, an' he goes by like a fast thrain by a whistlin' +station. D'ye mind O'Leary, him that's a retired capitalist now, him +that was aldherman, an' dhrainage thrustee, an' state sinitor f'r wan +term? Well, whin I first knew O'Leary he wurruked down on a railroad +section tampin' th' thrack at wan-fifty a day. He was a sthrong, willin' +young fellow, with a stiff right-hand punch an' a schamin' brain, +an' anny wan cud see that he was intinded to go to th' fr-ront. Th' +aristocracy iv th' camp was Mrs. Cassidy, th' widdy lady that kept th' +boordin'-house. Aristocracy, Hinnissy, is like rale estate, a matther +iv location. I'm aristocracy to th' poor O'Briens back in th' alley, th' +brewery agent's aristocracy to me, his boss is aristocracy to him, an' +so it goes, up to the czar of Rooshia. He's th' pick iv th' bunch, th' +high man iv all, th' Pope not goin' in society. Well, Mrs. Cassidy was +aristocracy to O'Leary. He niver see such a stylish woman as she was +whin she turned out iv a Sundah afthernoon in her horse an' buggy. He'd +think to himsilf, 'If I iver can win that I'm settled f'r life,' an' iv +coorse he did. 'Twas a gran' weddin'; manny iv th' guests didn't show up +at wurruk f'r weeks." + +"O'Leary done well, an' she was a good wife to him. She made money an' +kept him sthraight an' started him for constable. He won out, bein' a +sthrong man. Thin she got him to r-run f'r aldher-man, an' ye shud've +seen her th' night he was inaugurated! Be hivins, Hinnissy, she looked +like a fire in a pawnshop, fair covered with dimons an' goold watches +an' chains. She was cut out to be an aldherman's wife, and it was worth +goin' miles to watch her leadin' th' gran' march at th' Ar-rchy Road +Dimmycratic Fife an' Dhrum Corps ball." + +"But there she stopped. A good woman an' a kind wan, she cudden't go +th' distance. She had th' house an' th' childher to care f'r an' her +eddy-cation was through with. They isn't much a woman can learn afther +she begins to raise a fam'ly. But with O'Leary 'twas diffrent. I say +'twas diff'rent with O'Leary. Ye talk about ye'er colleges, Hinnissy, +but pollytics is th' poor man's college. A la-ad without enough book +larnin' to r-read a meal-ticket, if ye give him tin years iv polly-tical +life, has th' air iv a statesman an' th' manner iv a jook, an' cud take +anny job fr'm dalin' faro bank to r-runnin th' threasury iv th' +United States. His business brings him up again' th' best men iv th' +com-munity, an' their customs an' ways iv speakin' an' thinkin' an +robbin' sticks to him. Th' good woman is at home all day. Th' on'y +people she sees is th' childher an' th' neighbors. While th' good man in +a swallow-tail coat is addhressin' th' Commercial club on what we shud +do f'r to reform pollytics, she's discussin' th' price iv groceries with +th' plumber's wife an' talkin' over th' back fince to the milkman. Thin +O'Leary moves up on th' boolyvard. He knows he'll get along all r-right +on th' boolyvard. Th' men'll say: 'They'se a good deal of rugged common +sinse in that O'Leary. He may be a robber, but they's mighty little that +escapes him.' But no wan speaks to Mrs. O'Leary. No wan asts her opinion +about our foreign policy. She sets day in an' day out behind th' dhrawn +curtains iv her three-story brownstone risidence prayin' that somewan'll +come in an' see her, an if annywan comes she's frozen with fear. An' +'tis on'y whin she slips out to Ar-rchey r-road an' finds th' plumber's +wife, an' sets in th' kitchen over a cup iv tay, that peace comes to +her. By an' by they offer O'Leary th' nommynation f'r congress. He knows +he's fit for it. He's sthronger thin th' young lawyer they have now. +People'll listen to him in Wash'nton as they do in Chicago. He says: +'I'll take it.' An' thin he thinks iv th' wife an' they's no Wash'nton +f'r him. His pollytical career is over. He wud niver have been constable +if he hadn't marrid, but he might have been sinitor if he was a +widower." + +"Mrs. O'Leary was in to see th' Dargans th' other day. 'Ye mus' be very +happy in ye'er gran' house, with Mr. O'Leary doin' so well,' says Mrs. +Dargan. An' th' on'y answer th' foolish woman give was to break down an' +weep on Mrs. Dargan's neck." + +"Yet ye say a pollytician oughtn't to get marrid," said Mr. Hennessy. + +"Up to a certain point," said Mr. Dooley, "he must be marrid. Afther +that--well, I on'y say that, though pollytics is a gran' career f'r a +man, 'tis a tough wan f'r his wife." + + + + +ALCOHOL AS FOOD + + +"If a man come into this saloon--" Mr. Hennessy was saying. + +"This ain't no saloon," Mr. Dooley interrupted. "This is a resthrant." + +"A what?" Mr. Hennessy exclaimed. + +"A resthrant," said Mr. Dooley. "Ye don't know, Hinnissy, that liquor is +food. It is though. Food--an' dhrink. That's what a doctor says in the +pa-apers, an' another doctor wants th' gover'mint to sind tubs iv th' +stuff down to th' Ph'lipeens. He says 'tis almost issintial that people +shud dhrink in thim hot climates. Th' prespiration don't dhry on +thim afther a hard pursoot iv Aggynaldoo an' th' capture iv Gin'ral +Pantaloons de Garshy; they begin to think iv home an' mother sindin' +down th' lawn-sprinkler to be filled with bock, an' they go off +somewhere, an' not bein' able to dhry thimsilves with dhrink, they want +to die. Th' disease is called nostalgia or home-sickness, or thirst." + +"'What we want to do f'r our sojer boys in th' Ph'lipeens besides +killin' thim,' says th' ar-rmy surgeon, 'is make th' place more +homelike,' he says. 'Manny iv our heroes hasn't had th' deleeryum +thremens since we first planted th' stars an' sthripes,' he says, 'an' +th' bay'nits among th' people,' he says. 'I wud be in favor iv havin' +th' rigimints get their feet round wanst a week, at laste,' he says. +'Lave us,' he says, 'reform th' reg'lations,' he says, 'an' insthruct +our sojers to keep their powdher dhry an' their whistles wet,' he says." + +"Th' idee ought to take, Hinnissy, f'r th' other doctor la-ad has +discovered that liquor is food. 'A man,' says he, 'can live f'r months +on a little booze taken fr'm time to time,' he says 'They'se a gr-reat +dale iv nourishment in it,' he says. An' I believe him, f'r manny's +th' man I know that don't think iv eatin' whin he can get a dhrink. I +wondher if the time will iver come whin ye'll see a man sneakin' out iv +th' fam'ly enthrance iv a lunch-room hurridly bitin' a clove! People +may get so they'll carry a light dinner iv a pint iv rye down to their +wurruk, an' a man'll tell ye he niver takes more thin a bottle iv beer +f'r breakfast. Th' cook'll give way to th' bartinder and th' doctor 'll +ordher people f'r to ate on'y at meals. Ye'll r-read in th' pa-apers +that 'Anton Boozinski, while crazed with ham an' eggs thried to kill his +wife an' childher.' On Pathrick's day ye'll see th' Dr. Tanner Anti-Food +Fife an' Drum corpse out at th' head iv th' procession instead iv th' +Father Macchews, an' they'll be places where a man can be took whin he +gets th' monkeys fr'm immodhrate eatin'. Th' sojers 'll complain that +th' liquor was unfit to dhrink an' they'll be inquiries to find out +who sold embammin' flood to th' ar-rmy--Poor people 'll have simple +meals--p'raps a bucket iv beer an' a little crame de mint, an' ye'll +r-read in th' pa-apers about a family found starvin' on th' North side, +with nawthin' to sustain life but wan small bottle iv gin, while th' +head iv th' family, a man well known to the polis, spinds his wages in a +low doggery or bakeshop fuddlin' his brains with custars pie. Th' r-rich +'ll inthrajoose novelties. P'raps they'll top off a fine dinner with a +little hasheesh or proosic acid. Th' time'll come whin ye'll see me in a +white cap fryin' a cocktail over a cooksthove, while a nigger hollers to +me: 'Dhraw a stack iv Scotch,' an' I holler back: 'On th' fire.' Ye will +not." + + +{Illustration} + + +"That's what I thought," said Mr. Hennessy. + +"No," said Mr. Dooley. "Whisky wudden't be so much iv a luxury if'twas +more iv a necissity. I don't believe 'tis a food, though whin me frind +Schwartzmeister makes a cocktail all it needs is a few noodles to look +like a biled dinner. No, whisky ain't food. I think betther iv it thin +that. I wudden't insult it be placin' it on th' same low plane as a +lobster salad. Father Kelly puts it r-right, and years go by without +him lookin' on it even at Hallowe'en. 'Whisky,' says he, 'is called the +divvle, because,' he says, ''tis wan iv the fallen angels,' he says. 'It +has its place,' he says, 'but its place is not in a man's head,' says +he. 'It ought to be th' reward iv action, not th' cause iv it,' he says. +'It's f'r th' end iv th' day, not th' beginnin',' he says. 'Hot whisky +is good f'r a cold heart, an' no whisky's good f'r a hot head,' he says. +'Th' minyit a man relies on it f'r a crutch he loses th' use iv his +legs. 'Tis a bad thing to stand on, a good thing to sleep on, a good +thing to talk on, a bad thing to think on. If it's in th' head in th' +mornin' it ought not to be in th' mouth at night. If it laughs in ye, +dhrink; if it weeps, swear off. It makes some men talk like good women, +an' some women talk like bad men. It is a livin' f'r orators an' th' +death iv bookkeepers. It doesn't sustain life, but, whin taken hot with +wather, a lump iv sugar, a piece iv lemon peel, and just th' dustin' iv +a nutmeg-grater, it makes life sustainable." + +"D'ye think ye-ersilf it sustains life?" asked Mr. Hennessy. + +"It has sustained mine f'r many years," said Mr. Dooley. + + + + +HIGH FINANCE + + +"I think," said Mr. Dooley, "I'll go down to th' stock yards an' buy a +dhrove iv Steel an' Wire stock." + +"Where wud ye keep it?" asked the unsuspecting Hennessy. + +"I'll put it out on th' vacant lot," said Mr. Dooley, "an' lave it grow +fat by atin' ol' bur-rd cages an' tin cans. I'll milk it hard, an' whin +'tis dhry I'll dispose iv it to th' widdies an' orphans iv th' Sixth +Ward that need household pets. Be hivins, if they give me half a chanst, +I'll be as gr-reat a fi-nanceer as anny man in Wall sthreet. + +"Th' reason I'm so confident iv th' value iv Steel an' Wire stock, +Hinnissy, is they're goin' to hur-rl th' chairman iv th' comity into +jail. That's what th' pa-apers calls a ray iv hope in th' clouds iv +dipression that've covered th' market so long. 'Tis always a bull +argymint. 'Snowplows common was up two pints this mornin' on th' rumor +that th' prisidint was undher ar-rest.' 'They was a gr-reat bulge in +Lobster preferred caused be th' report that instead iv declarin' a +dividend iv three hundhred per cint. th' comp'ny was preparin' to +imprison th' boord iv directors.' 'We sthrongly ricommind th' purchase +iv Con and Founder. This comp'ny is in ixcillint condition since th' +hangin' iv th' comity on reorganization.'" + +"What's th' la-ad been doin', Hinnissy? He's been lettin' his frinds +in on th' groun' flure--an' dhroppin' thim into th' cellar. Ye know +Cassidy, over in th' Fifth, him that was in th' ligislachure? Well, sir, +he was a gr-reat frind iv this man. They met down in Springfield whin +th' la-ad had something he wanted to get through that wud protect th' +widdies an' orphans iv th' counthry again their own avarice, an' he +must've handed Cassidy a good argymint, f'r Cassidy voted f'r th' bill, +though threatened with lynchin' be stockholders iv th' rival comp'ny. +He come back here so covered with dimons that wan night whin he was +standin' on th' rollin' mill dock, th' captain iv th' Eliza Brown +mistook his shirt front f'r th' bridge lights an' steered into a soap +facthry on th' lee or gas-house shore." + +"Th' man made a sthrong impression on Cassidy. 'Twas: 'As me frind Jawn +says,' or 'I'll ask Jawn about that,' or 'I'm goin' downtown to-day to +find out what Jawn advises.' He used to play a dollar on th' horses or +sivin-up f'r th' dhrinks, but afther he met Jawn he wanted me to put in +a ticker, an' he wud set in here figurin' with a piece iv chalk on how +high Wire'd go if hoopskirts come into fashion again. 'Give me a dhrop +iv whisky,' he says, 'f'r I'm inthrested in Distillers,' he says, 'an' +I'd like to give it a shove,' he says. 'How's Gas?' he says. 'A little +weak, to-day,'" says I. + +"Twill be sthronger,' he says. 'If it ain't,' says I, 'I'll take out th' +meter an' connect th' pipe with th' ventilator. I might as well bur-rn +th' wind free as buy it,'" I says. + +"A couple iv weeks ago he see Jawn an' they had a long talk about it. +'Cassidy,' says Jawn, 'ye've been a good frind iv mine,' he says, 'an' +I'd do annything in the wurruld f'r ye, no matther what it cost ye,' he +says. 'If ye need a little money to tide over th' har-rd times till th' +ligislachure meets again buy'--an' he whispered in Cassidy's ear. 'But,' +he says,'don't tell annywan. 'Tis a good thing, but I want to keep it +bottled up,'" he says. + +"Thin Jawn took th' thrain an' begun confidin' his secret to a few +select frinds. He give it to th' conductor on th' thrain, an' th' +porther, an' th' candy butcher; he handed it to a switchman that got on +th' platform at South Bend, an' he stopped off at Detroit long enough +to tell about it to the deepo' policeman. He had a sign painted with th' +tip on it an' hung it out th' window, an' he found a man that carrid a +thrombone in a band goin' over to Buffalo, an' he had him set th' good +thing to music an' play it through th' thrain. Whin he got to New York +he stopped at the Waldorf Asthoria, an' while th' barber was powdhrin' +his face with groun' dimons Jawn tol' him to take th' money he was goin' +to buy a policy ticket with an' get in on th' good thing. He tol' th' +bootblack, th' waiter, th' man at th' news-stand, th' clerk behind th' +desk, an' th' bartinder in his humble abode. He got up a stereopticon +show with pitchers iv a widow-an-orphan befure an' afther wirin', an' he +put an advertisement in all th' pa-apers tellin' how his stock wud make +weak men sthrong. He had th' tip sarved hot in all th' resthrants in +Wall sthrcet, an' told it confidintially to an open-air meetin' in +Madison Square. 'They'se nawthin,' he says, 'that does a tip so much +good as to give it circulation,' he says. 'I think, be this time,' he +says, 'all me frinds knows how to proceed, but--Great Hivins!' he says. +'What have I done? Whin all the poor people go to get th' stock they +won't be anny f'r thim. I can not lave thim thus in th' lurch. Me +reputation as a gintleman an' a fi-nanceer is at stake,' he says. +'Rather than see these brave people starvin' at th' dure f'r a morsel iv +common or preferred, I'll--I'll sell thim me own stock,' he says. An' he +done it. He done it, Hinnissy, with unfalthrin' courage an' a clear +eye. He sold thim his stock, an' so's they might get what was left at a +raysonable price, he wrote a confidintial note to th' pa-apers tellin' +thim th' stock wasn't worth thirty cints a cord, an' now, be hivins, +they're talkin' iv puttin' him in a common jail or pinitinchry +preferred. Th' ingratichood iv man." + +"But what about Cassidy?" Mr. Hennessy asked. + +"Oh," said Mr. Dooley, "he was in here las' night. 'How's our old frind +Jawn?' says I. He said nawthin'. 'Have ye seen ye'er collidge chum iv +late?' says I. 'Don't mintion that ma-an's name,' says he. 'To think iv +what I've done f'r him,' he says, 'an' him to throw me down,' he says. +'Did ye play th' tip?' says I. 'I did,' says he. 'How did ye come +out?' says I. 'I haven't a cint lift but me renommynation f'r th' +ligislachure,' says he. 'Well,' says I, 'Cassidy,' I says, 'ye've +been up again what th' pa-apers call hawt finance,' I says. 'What th' +divvle's that?' says he. 'Well,' says I, 'it ain't burglary, an' it +ain't obtainin' money be false pretinses, an' it ain't manslaughter,' +I says. 'It's what ye might call a judicious seliction fr'm th' best +features iv thim ar-rts,' I says. 'T'was too sthrong f'r me,' he says. +'It was,' says I. 'Ye're about up to simple thransom climbin', Cassidy,' +I says." + + + + +THE PARIS EXPOSITION + + +"If this r-rush iv people to th' Paris exposition keeps up," said Mr. +Hennessy, "they won't be enough left here f'r to ilict a prisidint." + +"They'll be enough left," said Mr. Dooley. "There always is. No wan +has gone fr'm Arrchey r-road, where th' voters ar-re made. I've looked +ar-round ivry mornin' expectin' to miss some familyar faces. I thought +Dorgan, th' plumber, wud go sure, but he give it up at th' las' moment, +an' will spind his summer on th' dhrainage canal. Th' baseball season +'ll keep a good manny others back, an' a number iv riprisintative +cit'zens who have stock or jobs in th' wire mills have decided that 'tis +much betther to inthrust their savin's to John W. Gates thin to blow +thim in again th' sthreets iv Cairo." + +"But takin' it by an' large 'twill be a hard winter f'r th' r-rich. +Manny iv thim will have money enough f'r to return, but they'll be much +sufferin' among thim. I ixpict to have people dhroppin' in here nex' +fall with subscription books f'r th' survivors iv th' Paris exhibition. +Th' women down be th' rollin' mills 'll be sewin' flannels f'r th' +disthressed millyonaires, an' whin th' childher kick about th' food +ye'll say, Hinnissy, 'Just think iv th' poor wretches in th' Lake +Shore dhrive an' thank Gawd f'r what ye have.' Th' mayor 'll open soup +kitchens where th' unforchnit people can come an' get a hearty meal an' +watch th' ticker, an' whin th' season grows hard, ye'll see pinched an' +hungry plutocrats thrampin' th' sthreets with signs r-readin': 'Give us +a cold bottle or we perish.' Perhaps th' polis 'll charge thim an' +bust in their stovepipe hats, th' prisidint 'll sind th' ar-rmy here, a +conspiracy 'll be discovered at th' club to blow up th' poorhouse, an' +volunteers 'll be called on fr'm th' nickel bed houses to protect th' +vested inthrests iv established poverty." + +"'Twill be a chanst f'r us to get even, Hinnissy. I'm goin' to organize +th' Return Visitin' Nurses' association, composed entirely iv victims iv +th' parent plant. 'Twill be worth lookin' at to see th' ladies fr'm th' +stock yards r-rushin' into some wretched home down in Peerary avenue, +grabbin' th' misthress iv th' house be th' shouldhers an' makin' her +change her onhealthy silk dhress f'r a pink wrapper, shovelin' in +a little ashes to sprinkle on th' flure, breakin' th' furniture an' +rollin' th' baby in th' coal box. What th' r-rich needs is intilligint +attintion. 'Don't ate that oatmeal. Fry a nice piece iv r-round steak +with onions, give th' baby th' bone to play with, an' sind Lucille +Ernestine acrost th' railroad thrack f'r a nickel's worth iv beer. +Thin ye'll be happy, me good woman.' Oh, 'twill be gran'. I won't +give annything to people that come to th' dure. More har-m is done be +indiscriminate charity than anny wan knows, Hinnissy. Half th' bankers +that'll come to ye-er kitchen nex' winter cud find plenty iv wurruk to +do if they really wanted it. Dhrink an' idleness is th' curse iv +th' class. If they come to me I'll sind thim to th' Paris Survivors' +Mechanical Relief Association, an' they can go down an' set on a cake iv +ice an' wait till th' man in charge finds thim a job managin' a diamond +mine." + +{Illustration} + +Mr. Hennessy dismissed Mr. Dooley's fancy sketch with a grin and +remarked: "These here expositions is a gran' thing f'r th' progress iv +th' wurruld." + +"Ye r-read that in th' pa-apers," said Mr. Dooley, "an' it isn't so. +Put it down fr'm me, Hinnissy, that all expositions is a blind f'r th' +hootchy-kootchy dance. They'll be some gr-reat exhibits at th' Paris +fair. Th' man that has a machine that'll tur-rn out three hundhred +thousan' toothpicks ivry minyit'll sind over his inthrestin' device, +they'll be mountains iv infant food an' canned prunes, an' pickle +casters, an' pants, an' boots, an' shoes an' paintin's. They'll be all +th' wondhers iv modhern science. Ye can see how shirts ar-re made, an' +what gives life to th' sody fountain. Th' man that makes th' glue that +binds 'll be wearin' more medals thin an officer iv th' English ar-rmy +or a cinchry bicycle rider, an' years afther whin ye see a box iv soap +ye'll think iv th' manufacthrer standin' up befure a hundhred thousan' +frinzied Fr-rinchmen in th' Boss du Boloney while th' prisidint iv th' +Fr-rinch places a goold wreath on his fair brow an' says: 'In th' name +iv th' ar-rts an' science, undher th' motto iv our people, "Libertinity, +insanity, an' frugality," I crown ye th' champeen soapmaker iv th' +wurruld. {Cheers.} Be ye'er magnificint invintion ye have dhrawn closer +th' ties between Paris an' Goshen, Indyanny {frantic applause}, which I +hope will niver be washed away. I wish ye much success as ye climb th' +lather iv fame.' Th' invintor is thin dhrawn ar-roun' th' sthreets iv +Paris in a chariot pulled be eight white horses amid cries iv 'Veev +Higgins,' 'Abase Castile,' et cethra, fr'm th' populace. An' manny a +heart beats proud in Goshen that night. That's th' way ye think iv it, +but it happens diff'rent, Hinnissy. Th' soap king, th' prune king, an' +th' porous plaster king fr'm here won't stir up anny tumult in Paris +this year. Th' chances ar-re th' prisidint won't know they're there, an' +no wan'll speak to thim but a cab dhriver, an' he'll say: 'Th' fare fr'm +th' Changs All Easy to th' Roo de Roo is eighteen thousan' francs, but +I'll take ye there f'r what ye have in ye-er pockets.'" + +"The millyonaire that goes over there to see th' piled up riches iv th' +wurruld in sausage-makin' 'll take a look ar-round him an' he'll say to +th' first polisman he meets: 'Gossoon, this is a fine show an' I know +yon palace is full to th' seams with chiny-ware an' washtubs, but wud ye +be so kind, mong brav', as to p'int out with ye-er club th' partic'lar +house where th' houris fr'm th' sultan's harem dances so well without +the aid iv th' human feet?' I know how it was whin we had th' fair here. +I had th' best intintions in th' wurruld to find out what I ought +to have larned fr'm me frind Armour, how with th' aid iv Gawdgiven +machinery ye can make a bedstead, a pianola, a dozen whisk-brooms, a +barrel iv sour mash whisky, a suit iv clothes, a lamp chimbly, a wig, +a can iv gunpowdher, a bah'rl iv nails, a prisidintial platform, an' a +bur-rdcage out iv what remains iv th' cow-I was detarmined to probe +into th' wondhers iv science, an' I started fair f'r th' machinery hall. +Where did I bring up, says ye? In th' fr-ront seat iv a playhouse with +me eye glued on a lady iv th' sultan's coort, near Brooklyn bridge, +thryin' to twisht out iv hersilf." + +"No, Hinnissy, they'll be manny things larned be Americans that goes to +Paris, but they won't be about th' 'convarsion iv boots into food, or +vicey varsa,' as Hogan says. An' that's r-right. If I wint over there +'tis little time I'd be spindin' thryin' to discover how th' wondhers iv +mechanical janius are projooced that makes livin' so much more healthy +an' oncomfortable. But whin I got to Paris I'd hire me a hack or a dhray +painted r-red, an' I'd put me feet out th' sides an' I'd say to th' +dhriver: 'Rivolutionist, pint ye-er horse's head to'rds th'home iv th' +skirt dance, hit him smartly, an' go to sleep. I will see th' snow-plow +show an' th' dentisthry wurruk in th' pa-apers. F'r th' prisint I'll +devote me attintion to makin' a noise in th' sthreets an' studyin' human +nature.'" + +"Ye'd be a lively ol' buck over there," said Mr. Hennessy, admiringly. +'"Tis a good thing ye can't go." + +"It is so," said Mr. Dooley. "I'm glad I have no millyonaire rilitives +to be depindent on me f'r support whin th' show's over." + + + + +CHRISTIAN JOURNALISM + + +"I see," said Mr. Dooley, "that th' la-ad out in Kansas that thried to +r-run a paper like what th' Lord wud r-run if he had lived in Topeka, +has thrun up th' job." + +"Sure, I niver heerd iv him," said Mr. Hennessy. + +"Well, 'twus this way with him," Mr. Dooley explained. "Ye see, he +didn't like th' looks iv th' newspapers. He got tired iv r-readin' +how many rows iv plaits Mrs. Potther Pammer had on th' las' dhress she +bought, an' whether McGovern oughtn't to go into th' heavy-weight class +an' fight Jeffries, an' he says, says th' la-ad, 'This is no right +readin' f'r th' pure an' passionless youth iv Kansas,' he says. 'Give +me,' he says, 'a chanst an' I'll projooce th' kind iv organ that'd be +got out in hiven,' he says, 'price five cints a copy,' he says, 'f'r +sale be all newsdealers; f'r advertisin' rates consult th' cashier,' he +says. So a man in Topeka that had a newspaper, he says: 'I will not be +behindhand,' he says, 'in histin' Kansas up fr'm its prisint low an' +irrellijous position,' he says. 'I don't know how th' inhabitants iv th' +place ye refer to is fixed,' he says, 'f'r newspapers,' he says, 'an' I +niver heerd iv annybody fr'm Kansas home-stakin' there,' he says, 'but +if ye'll attind to th' circulation iv thim parts,' he says, 'I'll see +that th' paper is properly placed in th' hands iv th' vile an' wicked iv +this earth, where,' he says, 'th' returns ar-re more quick,' he says." + +"Well, th' la-ad wint at it, an' 'twas a fine paper he made. Hogan was +in here th' other day with a copy iv it an' I r-read it. I haven't had +such a lithry threat since I was a watchman on th' canal f'r a week with +nawthin' to r-read but th' delinquent tax list an' the upper half iv a +weather map. 'Twas gran'. Th' editor, it seems, Hinnissy, wint into th' +editoryal rooms iv th' pa-aper an' he gathered th' force around him fr'm +their reg'lar jobs in th' dhrug stores, an' says he, 'Gintlemen,' he +says, 'tell me ye'er plans f'r to enoble this here Christyan publication +f'r to-day!' he says. 'Well,' says th' horse rayporther, 'they's +a couple iv rabbits goin' to sprint around th' thrack at th' fair +groun's,' he says. I think 'twud be a good thing f'r rellijon if ye'd +lind me tin that I might br-reak th' sin-thralled bookys that come down +here fr'm Kansas City f'r to skin th' righteous,' he says. 'No,' says +th' editor, he says, 'no horse racin' in this paper,' he says. ''Tis +th' roonation iv th' young, an' ye can't beat it,' he says. 'An' you, +fair-haired youth,' he says, 'what d'ye do that makes ye'er color so +good an' ye'er eye so bright?' 'I,' says th' la-ad, 'am th' boy that +writes th' fightin' dope,' he says. 'They'se a couple iv good wans on +at th' op'ra house to-night, an' if his Spiklets don't tin-can 'tis like +findin' money in an ol' coat that--' 'Fightin',' says th' editor, 'is +a crool an' onchristyan spoort,' he says. 'Instead iv chroniclin' th' +ruffyanism iv these misguided wretches that weigh in at th' ringside at +125 poun's, an' I see in a pa-aper I r-read in a barber shop th' other +day that Spike's gone away back--what's that I'm sayin'? Niver mind. +D'ye go down to th' home iv th' Rivrind Aloysius Augustus Morninbinch +an'interview him on th' question iv man's co-operation with grace in +conversion. Make a nice chatty article about it an' I'll give ye a copy +iv wan iv me books.' 'I will,' says th' la-ad, 'if he don't swing on +me,' he says. The editor thin addhressed th' staff. 'Gintlemen,' he +says, 'I find that th' wurruk ye've been accustomed to doin',' he says, +'is calc'lated f'r to disthroy th' morality an' debase th' home life +iv Topeka, not to mintion th' surroundin' methrolopuses iv Valencia, +Wanamaker, Sugar Works, Paxico an' Snokomo,' he says. 'Th' newspaper, +instead iv bein' a pow'rful agent f'r th' salvation iv mankind, has +become something that they want to r-read,' he says. 'Ye can all go +home,' he says. 'I'll stay here an' write th' paper mesilf,' he +says. 'I'm th' best writer ar-round here, annyhow, an' I'll give thim +something that'll prepare thim f'r death,' he says. + +"An' he did, Hinnissy, he did. 'Twas a gran' paper. They was an article +on sewerage an' wan on prayin' f'r rain, an' another on muni-cipal +ownership iv gas tanks, an' wan to show that they niver was a good +milker ownded be a pro-fane man. They was pomes, too, manny iv thim, an' +fine wans: 'Th' Man with th' Shovel,' 'Th' Man with th' Pick, 'Th' Man +with th' Cash-Raygisther,' 'Th' Man with th' Snow Plow,' 'Th' Man +with th' Bell Punch,' 'Th' Man with th' Skate,' 'Th' Man with No Kick +Comin'.' Fine pothry, th' editor askin' who pushed this here man's +forehead back an' planed down his chin, who made him wear clothes that +didn't fit him and got him a job raisin' egg-plant f'r th' monno-polists +in Topeka at a dollar a day. A man in th' editor's position ought +to know, but he didn't, so he ast in th'pomes. An' th' advertisin', +Hinnissy! I'd be scandalized f'r to go back readin' th' common +advertisin' in th' vile daily press about men's pantings, an' +DoesannyoneknowwhereIcangeta biscuit, an' In th' spring a young man's +fancy lightly turns to Pocohontas plug, not made be th' thrusts. +Th' editor left thim sacrilegious advertisements f'r his venal +contimp'raries. His was pious an' nice: 'Do ye'er smokin' in this +wurruld. Th' Christyan Unity Five-Cint See-gar is made out iv th' finest +grades iv excelsior iver projooced in Kansas!' 'Nebuchednezzar grass +seed, f'r man an' beast.' 'A handful iv meal in a barrel an' a little +ile in a curse. Swedenborgian bran fried in kerosene makes th' best +breakfast dish in th' wurruld.' 'Twus nice to r-read. It made a man feel +as if he was in church--asleep." + +"How did th'pa-aper sthrike th' people?" says ye. "Oh, it sthruck thim +good. Says th' Topeka man, skinnin' over th' gossip about Christyan +citizenship an' th' toolchest iv pothry: 'Eliza, here's a good paper, a +fine wan, f'r ye an' th' childher. Sind Tommy down to th' corner an' get +me a copy iv th' Polis Gazette.'" + +"Ye see, Hinnissy, th' editor wint to th' wrong shop f'r what Hogan +calls his inspiration. Father Kelly was talkin' it over with me, an' +says he: 'They ain't anny news in bein' good. Ye might write th' doin's +iv all th' convents iv th' wurruld on th' back iv a postage stamp, +an' have room to spare. Supposin' ye took out iv a newspaper all th' +murdhers, an' suicides, an' divorces, an elopements, an' fires, an' +disease, an' war, an' famine,' he says, 'ye wudden't have enough left +to keep a man busy r-readin' while he rode ar-roun' th' block on th' +lightnin' express. No,' he says, 'news is sin an' sin is news, an' +I'm worth on'y a line beginnin': "Kelly, at the parish-house, April +twinty-sicond, in th' fiftieth year iv his age," an' pay f'r that, while +Scanlan's bad boy is good f'r a column anny time he goes dhrunk an' +thries to kill a polisman. A rellijious newspaper? None iv thim f'r me. +I want to know what's goin' on among th' murdher an' burglary set. Did +ye r-read it?' he says. 'I did,' says I. 'What did ye think iv it?' says +he. 'I know,' says I, 'why more people don't go to church,' says I." + + + + +THE ADMIRAL'S CANDIDACY + + +"I see," said Mr. Hennessy, "that Dewey is a candydate f'r prisidint." + +"Well, sir," said Mr. Dooley, "I hope to hiven he won't get it. No +rilitive iv mine iver held a pollytical job barrin' mesilf. I was +precint captain, an' wan iv th' best they was in thim days, if I do +say so that shudden't. I was called Cap f'r manny years aftherward, an' +I'd've joined th' Gr-rand Army iv th' Raypublic if it hadn't been f'r me +poor feet. Manny iv me rilitives has been candydates, but they niver cud +win out again th' r-rest iv th' fam'ly. 'Tis so with Cousin George. I'm +again him. I've been a rayspictable saloon-keeper f'r forty years in +this ward, an' I'll not have th' name dhragged into pollytics." + +"Iv coorse, I don't blame Cousin George. I'm with him f'r annything +else in th' gift iv th' people, fr'm a lovin'-cup to a house an' lot. He +don't mean annything be it. Did ye iver see a sailor thryin' to ride a +horse? 'Tis a comical sight. Th' reason a sailor thries to ride a horse +is because he niver r-rode wan befure. If he knew annything about it he +wouldn't do it. So be Cousin George. Afther he'd been over here awhile +an' got so 'twas safe f'r him to go out without bein' torn to pieces f'r +soovenirs or lynched be a mob, he took a look ar-round him an' says +he to a polisman: 'What's th' governmint iv this counthry?' 'Tis +a raypublic,' says th' polisman. 'What's th' main guy called?' says +George. 'He's called prisidint,' says th' polisman. 'Is it a good job?' +says Cousin George. ''Tis betther thin thravelin' beat,' says th' bull. +'What's th' la-ad's name that's holdin' it now?' says Cousin George. +'Mack,' says th' cop. 'Irish?' says George. 'Cross,' says th' elbow. +'Where fr'm?' says George. 'Ohio,' says the peeler. 'Where's that?' says +George. 'I dinnaw,' says th' bull. An' they parted th' best iv frinds." + +"'Well,'" says George to himsilf, "'I guess I'll have to go up an' have a +look at this la-ad's place,' he says, 'an' if it looks good,' he says, +'p'raps I cud nail it,' he says. An' he goes up an' sees Mack dictatin' +his Porther Rickyan policy to a kinetoscope, an' it looks like a +nice employmint f'r a spry man, an' he goes back home an' sinds f'r a +rayporther, an' says he: 'I always believe since I got home in dealin' +frankly with th' press. I haven't seen manny papers since I've been +at sea, but whin I was a boy me father used to take the Montpelier +Paleejum. 'Twas r-run be a man be th' name iv Horse Clamback. He was +quite a man whin sober. Ye've heerd iv him, no doubt. But what I ast ye +up here f'r was to give ye a item that ye can write up in ye'er own way +an' hand to th' r-rest iv th' boys. I'm goin' to be prisidint. I like +th' looks iv the job an' nobody seems to care f'r it, an' I've got so +blame tired since I left th' ship that if I don't have somethin' to do +I'll go crazy,' he says. 'I wisht ye'd make a note iv it an' give it to +th' other papers,' he says. 'Ar-re ye a raypublican or a dimmycrat?' +says the rayporter. 'What's that?' says Cousin George. 'D'ye belong to +th' raypublican or th' dimmycrat party?' 'What ar-re they like?' says +Cousin George. 'Th' raypublicans ar-re in favor iv expansion.' 'Thin I'm +a raypublican.' 'Th' dim-mycrats ar-re in favor iv free thrade.' 'Thin +I'm a dimmycrat.' 'Th' raypublicans ar-re f'r upholdin' th' goold +standard.' 'So'm I. I'm a raypublican there.' 'An' they're opposed to an +income tax.' 'On that,' says Cousin George, 'I'm a dimmycrat. I tell +ye, put me down as a dimmycrat. Divvle th' bit I care. Just say I'm +a dimmycrat with sthrong raypublican leanings. Put it this way: I'm +a dimmycrat, be a point raypublican, dimmycrat. Anny sailor man'll +undherstand that.' 'What'll I say ye'er platform is?' 'Platform?' 'Ye +have to stand on a platform.' 'I do, do I? Well, I don't. I'll stand on +no platform, an' I'll hang on no sthrap. What d'ye think th'prisidincy +is--a throlley car? No, sir, whin ye peek in th' dure to sell ye'er +paper ye'll see ye'er Uncle George settin' down comfortable with his +legs crossed, thrippin' up annywan that thries to pass him. Go out now +an' write ye'er little item, f'r 'tis late an' all hands ar-re piped to +bed,' he says." + +"An' there ye ar-re. Well, sir, 'tis a hard year Cousin George has in +store f'r him. Th' first thing he knows he'll have to pay f'r havin' his +pitchers in th' pa-aper. Thin he'll larn iv siv'ral prevyous convictions +in Vermont. Thin he'll discover that they was no union label on th' +goods he delivered at Manila. 'Twill be pointed out be careful observers +that he was ilicted prisidint iv th' A. P. A. be th' Jesuits. Thin +somewan'll dig up that story about his not feelin' anny too well th' +mornin' iv th' fight, an' ye can imajine th' pitchers they'll print, an' +th' jokes that'll be made, an' th' songs: 'Dewey Lost His Appetite at +th' Battle iv Manila. Did McKinley Iver Lose His?' An' George'll wake +up th' mornin' afther iliction an' he'll have a sore head an' a sorer +heart, an' he'll find that th' on'y support he got was fr'm th' goold +dimmycratic party, an' th' chances ar-re he caught cold fr'm goin' +out without his shawl an' cudden't vote. He'll find that a man can be +r-right an' be prisidint, but he can't be both at th' same time. An' +he'll go down to breakfast an' issue Gin'ral Ordher Number Wan, 'To All +Superyor Officers Commandin' Admirals iv th' United States navy at home +or on foreign service: If anny man mintions an admiral f'r prisidint, +hit him in th' eye an' charge same to me.' An' thin he'll go to his +office an' prepare a plan f'r to capture Dublin, th' capital iv England, +whin th' nex' war begins. An' he'll spind th' r-rest iv his life thryin' +to live down th' time he was a candydate." + +"Well, be hivins, I think if Dewey says he's a dimmycrat an' Joyce is +with him, I'll give him a vote," said Mr. Hennessy. "It's no sin to be a +candydate f'r prisidint." + +"No," said Mr. Dooley. "Tis sometimes a misfortune an' sometimes a joke. +But I hope ye won't vote f'r him. He might be ilicted if ye did. I'd +like to raymimber him, an' it might be I cudden't if he got th' job. Who +was the prisidint befure Mack? Oh, tubby sure!" + + + + +CUSTOMS OF KENTUCKY + + +"Well, sir," said Mr. Dooley, "'tis good to see that th' gloryous ol' +commonwealth iv Kentucky is itsilf again." + +"How's that?" asked Mr. Hennessy. + +"F'r some time past," said Mr. Dooley, "they's been nawthin' doin' +that'd make a meetin' iv th' Epworth League inthrestin'. Th' bystanders +in Kentucky has been as safe as a journeyman highwayman in Chicago. +Perfectly innocent an' unarmed men wint into th' state an' come out +again without a bullethole in their backs. It looked f'r awhile as if +th' life iv th' ordn'ry visitor was goin' to be as harmless in Kentucky +as in Utah, th' home iv th' desthroyers iv American domestic life. I +dinnaw why it was, whether it was th' influence iv our new citizens in +Cubia an' th' Ph'lippeens or what it was, but annyhow th' on'y news that +come out iv Kentucky was as peaceful, Hinnissy, as th' rayports iv a +bloody battle in South Africa. But Kentucky, as Hogan says, was not dead +but on'y sleepin'. Th' other day that gran' ol' state woke up through +two iv its foremost rapid firin' citizens." + +"They met be chanst in a hotel con-tagious to a bar. Colonel Derringer +was settin' in a chair peacefully fixin' th' hammer iv his forty-four +Colt gun, presinted to him be his constitooents on th' occasion iv his +mim'rable speech on th' nicissity iv spreadin' th' civilization iv th' +United States to th' ends iv th' wur-ruld. Surroundin' him was Major +Bullseye, a well-known lawyer, cattle-raiser an' journalist iv Athens, +Bulger County, whose desthruction iv Captain Cassius Glaucus Wiggins at +th' meetin' iv' th' thrustees in th' Sicond Baptist Church excited +so much comment among spoortin' men three or four years ago, Gin'ral +Rangefinder iv Thebes, Colonel Chivvy iv Sparta, who whittled Major +Lycurgus Gam iv Thermopylae down to th' wishbone at th' anti-polygamist +meetin' las' June, an' other well-known gintlemen." + +"Th' party was suddenly confronted be Major Lyddite iv Carthage an' +a party iv frinds who were in town for th' purpose iv protectin' th' +suffrage again' anny pollution but their own. Colonel Derringer an' +Major Lyddite had been inimies f'r sivral months, iver since Major +Lyddite in an attimpt to desthroy wan iv his fellow-citizens killed a +cow belongin' to th' janial Colonel. Th' two gintlemen had sworn f'r to +slay each other at sight or thirty days, an' all Kentucky society +has been on what Hogan calls th' _quee veev_ or look-out f'r another +thrajeedy to be added to th' long list iv sim'lar ivints that marks th' +histhry iv th' Dark an' Bloody Groun'--which is a name given to Kentucky +be her affectionate sons." + +{Illustration} + + +"Without a wur-rud or a bow both gintlemen dhrew on each other an' +begun a deadly fusillade. That is, Hinnissy, they begun shootin' at +th' bystanders. I'll tell ye what th' pa-apers said about it. Th' two +antagonists was in perfect form an' well sustained th' reputation iv th' +state f'r acc'rate workmanship. Colonel Derringer's first shot caught a +boot an' shoe drummer fr'm Chicago square in th' back amid consid'rable +applause. Major Lyddite tied th' scoor be nailin' a scrubwoman on th' +top iv a ladder. Th' man at th' traps sprung a bell boy whom th' Colonel +on'y winged, thus goin' back wan, but his second barrel brought down a +book-canvasser fr'm New York, an' this bein' a Jew man sint him ahead +three. Th' Major had an aisy wan f'r th' head waiter, nailin' him just +as he jumped into a coal hole. Four all. Th' Colonel thried a difficult +polisman, lamin' him. Thin th' Major turned his attintion to his own +frinds, an' made three twos in succession. Th' Colonel was not so +forch'nate. He caught Major Bullseye an' Captain Wiggins, but Gin'ral +Rangefinder was safe behind a barber's pole an' Colonel Chivvy fluttered +out iv range. Thus th' scoor was tin to six at th' conclusion iv th' +day's spoort in favor iv Major Lyddite. Unforchnately th' gallant Major +was onable f'r to reap th' reward iv his excellent marksmanship, f'r in +a vain indeavor f'r a large scoor, he chased th' barber iv th' sicond +chair into th' street, an' there slippin' on a banana peel, fell an' +sustained injuries fr'm which he subsequently died. In him th' counthry +loses a valu'ble an' acc'rate citizen, th' state a lile an' rapid firin' +son, an' society a leadin' figure, his meat-market an' grocery bein' wan +iv th' largest outside iv Minerva. Some idee iv th' acc'racy iv th' +fire can be gained fr'm th' detailed scoor, as follows: Lyddite, three +hearts, wan lung, wan kidney, five brains. Derringer, four hearts, +two brains. This has seldom been excelled. Among th' minor casualties +resultin' fr'm this painful but delightful soiree was th' followin': +Erastus Haitch Muggins, kilt be jumpin' fr'm th' roof; Blank Cassidy, +hide an' pelt salesman fr'm Chicago, burrid undher victims; Captain +Epaminondas Lucius Quintus Cassius Marcellus Xerxes Cyrus Bangs of +Hoganpolis, Hamilcar Township, Butseen County, died iv hear-rt disease +whin his scoor was tied. Th' las' named was a prominent leader in +society, a crack shot an' a gintleman iv th' ol' school without fear an' +without reproach. His son succeeds to his lunch car. Th' others don't +count." + +"'Twas a gr-reat day f'r Kentucky, Hinnissy, an' it puts th' gran' +ol' state two or three notches ahead iv anny sim'lar community in th' +wur-ruld. Talk about th' Boer war an' th' campaign in th' Ph'lippeens! +Whin Kentucky begins f'r to shoot up her fav'rite sons they'll be more +blood spilled thin thim two play wars'd spill between now an' th' time +whin Ladysmith's relieved f'r th' las' time an' Agynaldoo is r-run up +a three in th' outermost corner iv Hoar County, state iv Luzon. They'se +rale shootin' in Kentucky, an' whin it begins ivrybody takes a hand. +'Tis th' on'y safe way. If ye thry to be an onlooker an' what they calls +a non-combatant 'tis pretty sure ye'll be taken home to ye'er fam'ly +lookin' like a cribbage-boord. So th' thing f'r ye to do is to be wan iv +th' shooters ye'ersilf, load up ye'er gun an' whale away f'r th' honor +iv ye'er counthry." + +"'Tis a disgrace," said Mr. Hennessy. "Where were th' polis?" + +"This was not th' place f'r a polisman," said Mr. Dooley. "I suspict +though, fr'm me knowledge iv th' kind iv man that uses firear-rms that +if some wan'd had th' prisence iv mind to sing out 'They'se a man at th' +bar that offers to buy dhrinks f'r th' crowd,' they'd be less casu'lties +fr'm bullets, though they might be enough people kilt in th' r-rush to +even it up. But whin I read about these social affairs in Kentucky, I +sometimes wish some spool cotton salesman fr'm Matsachoosets, who'd +be sure to get kilt whin th' shootin' begun, wud go down there with a +baseball bat an' begin tappin' th' gallant gintlemen on th' head befure +breakfast an' in silf definse. I'll bet ye he'd have thim jumpin' +through thransoms in less thin two minyits, f'r ye can put this down as +thrue fr'm wan that's seen manny a shootin', that a man, barrin' he's a +polisman, on'y dhraws a gun whin he's dhrunk or afraid. Th' gun fighter, +Hinnissy, tin to wan is a cow'rd." + +"That's so," said Mr. Hennessy. "But it don't do to take anny chances +on." + +"No," said Mr. Dooley, "he might be dhrunk." + + + + +A SOCIETY SCANDAL + + +"Well, sir, I guess I'm not up on etiket," said Mr. Dooley. + +"How's that?" demanded Mr. Hennessy. + +"I've been readin' about Willum Waldorf Asthor," replied Mr. Dooley, +"an' th' throuble he had with a la-ad that bummed his way into his +party. Ye see, Hinnissy, Willum Waldorf Asthor give a party at his +large an' commodjious house in London. That's where he lives--in +London--though he r-runs a hotel in New York, where ye can see half th' +state iv Ioway near anny night, they tell me. Well, he give this party +on a gran' scale, an' bought gr-reat slathers iv food an' dhrink, +an' invited th' neighbors an' the neighbors' childher. But wan man he +wudden't have. He's goin' over th' list iv th' people that's to come, +an' he says to his sicrety: 'Scratch that boy. Him an' me bump as we +pass by.' He didn't want this fellow, ye see, Hinnissy. I don't know +why. They was dissatisfaction between thim; annyhow, he says: 'Scratch +him,' an' he was out iv it." + +"Well, wan night, th' fellow was settin' down f'r a bite to eat with +Lady O----, an' Lady S----, an' Lady G----, an' Lady Y----, an' other +ladies that had lost their names, an' says wan iv thim, 'Cap,' she says, +'ar-re ye goin' to Asthor's doin's tonight?' she says. 'Not that I know +iv,' says th' Cap. 'He hasn't sint me anny wurrud that I'm wanted,' he +says. 'What differ does it make,' says th' lady. 'Write an invitation +f'r ye'rsilf on ye'er cuff an' come along with us,' says she. 'I'll do +it,' says the Cap, an' he sint f'r an automobile an' goes along. + +"Well, ivrything was all r-right f'r awhile, an' th' Cap was assaultin' +a knuckle iv ham an' a shell iv beer, whin Willum Waldorf Asthor comes +up an' taps him on th' shoulder an' says: 'Duck.' 'What name?' says +th' Cap. 'Asthor,' says Willum. 'Oh,' says th' Cap, 'ye're th' American +gazabo that owns this hut,' he says. 'I am,' says Willum. 'I can't go,' +says th' Cap. 'Ye didn't ask me here an' ye can't sind me away,' he +says. 'Gossoon, another shell iv malt, an' dhraw it more slow,' he says. +'I am an English gintleman an' I know me rights,' he says. 'Dure or +window,' says Willum. 'Take ye'er choice,' he says. 'If ye insist,' says +th' Cap, 'I'll take th' dure,' he says, 'but ye don't know th' customs +iv civilization,' he says; an' th' hired man just grazed him on th' dure +sthep. + +"Well, Willum Waldorf Asthor was that mad, he wint down to his pa-aper +office, an' says he, 'I want to put in an item,' he says, an' he put +it in. 'It is wished,' he says, 'to be apprihinded,' he says, 'be those +desirous not to have been misinformed,' he says, 'concarnin' th' recent +appearance iv Cap Sir Mills at me party,' he says, 'that 'twas not be me +that said Cap Sir Mills come to be on th' site,' he says, 'but rather,' +he says, 'through a desire on th' part iv Cap Sir Mills to butt into a +party to which his invitation was lost about three hours befure 'twas +written,' he says." + +"Well, now, ye'd think that was all right, wudden't ye? Ye'd say Asthor +acted mild whin he didn't take down his goold ice pick from th' wall +an' bate th' Cap over th' head. Th' Cap, though a ganial soul, had no +business there. 'Twas Willum Waldorf Asthor that paid f'r the ice cream +an' rented th' chiny. But that's where ye'd be wrong, an' that's where I +was wrong. Whin th' Prince iv Wales heerd iv it he was furyous. 'What,' +he says, 'is an English gintleman goin' to be pegged out iv dures be a +mere American be descent?' he says. 'A man,' he says, 'that hasn't +an entail to his name,' he says. 'An American's home in London is an +Englishman's castle,' he says. 'As th' late Earl iv Pitt said, th' +furniture may go out iv it, th' constable may enther, th' mortgage may +fall on th' rooned roof, but a thrue Englishman'll niver leave,' he +says, 'while they'se food an' dhrink,' he says. 'Willum Waldorf Asthor +has busted th' laws iv hospitality, an' made a monkey iv a lile subjick +iv th' queen,' he says. 'Hinceforth,' he says, 'he's ast to no picnics +iv th' Buckingham Palace Chowder Club,' he says. An' th' nex' day Willum +Waldorf Asthor met him at th' races where he was puttin' down a bit iv +money an' spoke to him, an' th' Prince iv Wales gave him wan in th' eye. +He must've had something in his hand, f'r the pa-aper said he cut him. +P'raps 'twas his scipter. An' now no wan'll speak to Willum Waldorf +Asthor, an' he's not goin' to be a jook at all, an' he may have to come +back here an' be nachurlized over again like a Bohamian. He's all broke +up about it. He's gone to Germany to take a bath." + +"Lord, help us," said Mr. Hennessy, "can't he get wan nearer home?" + +"It seems not," said Mr. Dooley. "Mebbe the Prince iv Wales has had th' +wather cut off. He has a big pull with th' people in th' city hall." + + + + +DOINGS OF ANARCHISTS + + +"Why should anny man want to kill a king?" said Mr. Dooley. "That's what +I'd like to know. Little gredge have I again' anny monarch in th' deck. +Live an' let live's me motto. Th' more ye have in this wurruld th' less +ye have. Make in wan place, lose in another's th' rule, me boy. Little +joy, little sorrow. Takin' it all an' all I'd rather be where I am thin +on a throne, an' be th' look iv things I'll have me wish. 'Tis no aisy +job bein' a king barrin' th' fact that ye don't have to marry th' woman +iv ye'er choice but th' woman iv somebody else's. 'Tis like takin' a +conthract an' havin' th' union furnish th' foreman an' th' mateeryal. +Thin if th' wurruk ain't good a wild-eyed man fr'm Paterson, Noo Jarsey, +laves his monkey an' his hand organ an' takes a shot at ye. Thank +th' Lord I'm not so big that anny man can get comfort fr'm pumpin' a +Winchester at me fr'm th' top iv a house." + +"But if I was king ne'er an organ grinder'd get near enough me to take +me life with a Hotchkiss gun. I'd be so far away fr'm the multitood, +Hinnissy, that they cud on'y distinguish me rile features with a +spy-glass. I'd have polismen at ivry tur-rn, an' I'd have me subjicks +retire to th' cellar whin I took me walk. Divvle a bit wud you catch me +splattherin' mesilf with morthar an' stickin' newspapers in a hole in a +corner shtone to show future gin'rations th' progress iv crime in +this cinchry. They'd lay their own corner-shtone f'r all iv me. I'd +communicate with th' pop'lace be means iv ginral ordhers, an' I'd make +it a thing worth tellin' about to see th' face iv th' gr-reat an' good +King Dooley." + +"Kings is makin' thimsilves too common. Nowadays an arnychist dhrops +into a lunch-room at th' railroad depot an' sees a man settin' on a +stool atin' a quarther section iv a gooseb'ry pie an' dhrinkin' a glass +iv buttermilk. 'D'ye know who that is?' says th' lunch-counter lady. +'I do not,' says th' arnychist, 'but be th' look iv him he ain't much.' +'That's th' king,' says th' lady. 'Th' king, is it,' says th' arnychist. +'Thin here's f'r wan king less,' he says, an' 'tis all over. A king +ought to be a king or he oughtn't. He don't need to be a good mixer. If +he wants to hang on he must keep out iv range. 'Tis th' kings an' queens +that thrusts so much in th' lilety iv their people that they live in +summer resort hotels an' go out walkin' with a dog that's hurted. Th' +on'y person that ought to be able to get near enough a rale king to kill +him is a jook, or th' likes iv that. Th' idee iv a man from Noo Jarsey +havin' th' chanst!" + +{Illustration} + +"What on earth's to be done about thim arnychists?" Mr. Hennessy asked. +"What ails thim annyhow? What do they want?" + +"Th' Lord on'y knows," said Mr. Dooley. + +"They don't want annything, that's what they want. They want peace on +earth an' th' way they propose to get it is be murdhrin' ivry man that +don't agree with thim. They think we all shud do as they please. They're +down on th' polis foorce an' in favor iv th' pop'lace, an' whin they've +kilt a king they call on th' polis to save thim fr'm th' mob. An' +between you an' me, Hinnissy, ivry arnychist I've knowed, an' I've met +manny in me time, an' quite, law-abidin' citizens they was, too, had th' +makin' iv a thradeejan in him. If they was no newspapers they'd be few +arnychists. They want to get their pitchers in th' pa-apers an' they +can't do it be wheelin' bananas through th' sthreets or milkin' a cow, +so they go out an' kill a king. I used to know a man be th' name iv +Schmitt that was a cobbler be profession an' lived next dure but wan to +me. He was th' dacintist man ye iver see. He kep' a canary bur-rd, an' +his devotion to his wife was th' scandal iv th' neighborhood. But bless +my soul, how he hated kings. He cudden't abide Cassidy afther he heerd +he was a dayscinded fr'm th' kings iv Connock, though Cassidy was what +ye call a prolotoorio or a talkin' workin'man. An' th' wan king he hated +above all others was th' king iv Scholizwig-Holstein, which was th' +barbarous counthry he come fr'm. He cud talk fairly dacint about other +kings, but this wan--Ludwig was his name an' I seen his pitcher in +th' pa-apers wanst--wud throw him into a fit. He blamed ivrything that +happened to Ludwig. If they was a sthrike he charged it to Ludwig. +If Schwartzmeister didn't pay him f'r half-solin' a pair iv Congress +gaiters he used to wear in thim days, he tied a sthring arround his +finger f'r to remind him that he had to kill Ludwig. 'What have ye +again' th' king?' says I. 'He is an opprissor iv th' poor,' he says. +'So ar-re ye,' I says, 'or ye'd mend boots free.' 'He's explodin' th' +prolotoorio,' he says. 'Sure,' says I, 'th' prolotoorio can explode +thimsilves pretty well,' says I. 'He oughtn't to be allowed to live in +luxury while others starve,' he says. 'An' wud ye be killin' a man f'r +holdin' a nice job?' says I. 'What good wud it do ye?' says I. 'I'd be +th' emancipator iv th' people,' says he. 'Ye'd have th' wurred on th' +coffin lid,' says I. 'Why,' says he, 'think iv me, Schmitt, Owgoost +Schmitt, stalkin' forth to avinge th' woes iv th' poor,' he says. +'Loodwig, th' cursed, goes by. I jumps fr'm behind a three an' society +is freed fr'm th' monsther,' he says. 'Think iv th' glory iv it,' he +says. 'Owgoost Schmitt, emancipator,' he says. 'I'll prove to Mary Ann +that I'm a man,' he says. Mary Ann was his wife. Her maiden name was +Riley. She heard him say it. 'Gus,' says she, 'if iver I hear iv ye +shootin' e'er a king I'll lave ye,' she says." + +"Well, sir, I thought he was jokin', but be hivins, wan day he +disappeared, an' lo an' behold, two weeks afther I picks up a pa-aper +an' r-reads that me brave Schmitt was took up be th' polis f'r thryin' +to cop a monarch fr'm behind a three. I sint him a copy iv a pa-aper +with his pitcher in it, but I don't know if iver he got it. He's over +there now an' his wife is takin' in washin'." + +"It's vanity that makes arnychists, Hinnissy--vanity an' th' habits +kings has nowadays iv bein' as common as life insurance agents." + +"I don't like kings," said Mr. Hennessy, "but I like arnychists less. +They ought to be kilt off as fast as they're caught." + +"They'll be that," said Mr. Dooley. "But killin' thim is like wringin' +th' neck iv a mickrobe." + + + + +ANGLO-AMERICAN SPORTS + + +"Hinnissy, if iver we have war with what me frind Carl Schurz'd call th' +Mother County, it'll not come fr'm anny Vinnyzwalan question. Ye can't +get me excited over th' throbbin' debate on th' location iv th' Orynocoo +River or whether th' miners that go to Alaska f'r goold ar're buried be +th' Canajeen or th' American authorities. Ye bet ye can't. But some +day we'll be beat in a yacht r-race or done up at futball an' thin what +Hogan call th' dogs iv war'll break out iv th' kennel an' divastate th' +wurruld." + +"Well," said Mr. Hennessy, complacently, "if we wait f'r that we might +as well disband our navy." + +"I dinnaw about that," said Mr. Dooley, "I dinnaw abut that; afther ye +left to investigate th' ir'n foundhries an' other pitcheresque roons iv +this misguided counthry, I wint out to give a few raw rahs f'r me fellow +colleejens, who was attimptin' to dimonsthrate their supeeryority over +th' effete scholars iv England at what I see be th' pa-apers is called +th' Olympian games. Ye get to th' Olympian games be suffocation in +a tunnel. Whin ye come to, ye pay four shillin's or a dollar in our +degraded currency, an' stand in th' sun an' look at th' Prince iv Wales. +Th' Prince iv Wales looks at ye, too, but he don't see ye." + +"Me frind, th' American ambassadure was there, an' manny iv th' seats iv +larnin' in th' gran' stand was occupied be th' flower iv our seminaries +iv meditation or thought conservatories. I r-read it in th' pa-apers. +At th' time I come in they was recitin' a pome fr'm th' Greek, to a +thoughtful-lookin' young profissor wearin' th' star-spangled banner f'r +a necktie an' smokin' a cigareet. 'Now, boys,' says th' profissor, 'all +together.' 'Rickety, co-ex, co-ex, hullabaloo, bozoo, bozoo, Harvard,' +says th' lads. I was that proud iv me belovid counthry that I wanted +to take off me hat there an' thin an' give th' colledge yell iv th' +Ar-rchey road reform school. But I was resthrained be a frind iv mine +that I met comin' over. He was fr'm Matsachoosetts, an' says he: +'Don't make a disturbance,' he says. 'We've got to create a fav'rable +impression here,' he says, 'Th' English,' he says, 'niver shows +enthusyasm,' he says. 'Tis regarded as unpolite,' he says. 'If ye yell,' +he says, 'they'll think we want to win,' he says, 'an' we didn't come +over here to win,' he says. 'Let us show thim,' he says, 'that we're +gintlemen, be it iver so painful,' he says. An' I resthrained mesilf be +puttin' me fist in me mouth." + +{Illustration} + +"They was an Englishman standin' behind me, Hinnissy, an' he was a +model iv behaviour f'r all Americans intindin' to take up their homes in +Cubia. Ye cudden't get this la-ad war-rmed up if ye built a fire undher +him. He had an eye-glass pinned to his face an' he niver even smiled +whin a young gintleman fr'm Harvard threw a sledge hammer wan mile, two +inches. A fine la-ad, that Harvard man, but if throwin' th' hammer's +spoort, thin th' rowlin' mills is th' athletic cintre iv our belovid +counthry. Whin an Englishman jumped further thin another la-ad, me frind +th' Ice-box, says he: 'H'yah, h'yah!' So whin an American la-ad lept up +in th' air as though he'd been caught be th' anchor iv a baloon, I says: +'H'yah, h'yah!' too. Whin a sign iv th' effete aristocracy iv England +done up sivral free-bor-rn Americans fr'm Boston in a fut r-race, me +frind the Farthest North, he grabs his wan glass eye an' says he: 'Well +r-run, Cambridge!' he says; 'Well r-run,' he says. An' 'Well r-run, +whativer colledge ye're fr'm,' says I, whin wan iv our la-ads jumped +over a fence ahead iv some eager but consarvative English scholars." + +"Well, like a good game, it come three an' three. Three times had +victhry perched upon our banner an' thrice--I see it in th' pa-aper--had +th' flag iv th' mother counthry proclaimed that Englishmen can r-run. It +was thryin' on me narves an' I wanted to yell whin th' tie was r-run +off but th' man fr'm Matsachoosetts says: 'Contain ye'ersilf,' he says. +'Don't allow ye'er frinzied American spirit to get away with ye'er +manners,' he says. 'Obsarve.' he says, 'th' ca'm with which our brother +Anglo-Saxon views th' scene,' he says. 'Ah!' he says, 'they're off +an' be th' jumpin' George Wash'nton, I bet ye that fellow fr'm West +Newton'll make that red-headed, long-legged, bread-ballasted Englishman +look like thirty cints. 'Hurroo,' he says. 'Go on, Harvard,' he says. +'Go on,' he says. 'Rah, rah, rah,' he says. 'Ate him up, chew him up,' +he says. 'Harvard!' he says." + +"I looked ar-round at th' ca'm dispassyonate Englishman. He dhropped his +eye-glass so he cud see th' race an' he had his cane in th' air. 'Well +r-run,' he says. 'Well r-run, Cambridge,' he says. 'Pull him down,' +he says. 'Run over him,' he says. 'Thrip him up,' he says. 'They can't +r-run,' he says, 'except whin they're Ph'lipinos behind thim,' he says. +'Well r-run,' he says, an' he welted th' man fr'm Matsachoosetts with +his cane. 'Be careful what ye're doin' there,' says th' Anglo-Saxon. +'If it wasn't f'r th' 'liance I'd punch ye'er head off,' he says. 'An',' +says th' ca'm Englishman, 'if it wasn't f'r our common hurtage,' he +says, 'I'd make ye jump over th' gran' stand,' he says. 'Th' English +always cud beat us r-runnin',' says the sage iv Matsachoosetts. 'Th' +Americans start first an' finishes last,' says th' Englishman. An' I had +to pull thim apart." + +"Whether it is that our American colleejans spinds too much iv their +lung power in provin' their devotion to what Hogan calls their +Almy Matthers or not, I dinnaw, but annyhow, we had to dhrag th' +riprisintative iv our branch iv th' Anglo-Saxon an' Boheemyan +civilization in th' three-mile race fr'm undher two thousand iv our +cousins or brothers-in-law that was ca'mly an' soberly, but hurridly an' +noisily chargin' acrost th' thrack to cheer their own man." + +"Me frind fr'm Matsachoosets was blue as we winded our way to th' +sthrangulation railway an' started back f'r home. 'I'm sorry,' he says, +'to lose me timper,' he says, 'but,' he says, 'afther all th' pretinded +affection iv these people f'r us,' he says, 'an' afther all we've done +f'r thim in Alaska an'--an' ivrywhere,' he says, 'an' thim sellin' us +coal whin they might've sold it to th' Spanyards if th' Spanyards'd +had th' money,' he says, 'to see th' conduct iv that coarse an' brutal +Englishman--' 'Th' wan that won th' r-race?' says I. 'Yes,' he says. +'No, I mean th' wan that lammed me with his cane,' he says. 'If it +hadn't been,' he says, 'that we're united,' he says, 'be a common +pathrimony,' he says, 'I'd've had his life,' he says. 'Ye wud so,' says +I, 'an' ye're r-right,' I says. 'If all th' la-ads enthered into th' +r-races with th' same spirit ye show now,' I says, 'th' English flag'd +be dhroopin' fr'm th' staff, an' Cyrus Bodley iv Wadham, Mass.,'d be +paintin' th' stars an' sthripes on th' Nelson monnymint,' I says. 'Whin +we hated th' English,' I says, 'an' a yacht r-race was li'ble to end in +a war message fr'm the prisidint, we used to bate thim,' I says. 'Now,' +says I, 'whin we're afraid to injure their feelin's,' I says, 'an' whin +we 'pologise befure we punch, they bate us,' I says. 'They're used to +'pologisin' with wan hand an' punchin' with th' other,' I says. 'Th' +on'y way is th' way iv me cousin Mike,' I says. 'He was a gr-reat +rassler an' whin he had a full Nelson on th' foolish man that wint again +him, he used to say, 'Dear me, am I breakin' ye'er neck, I hope so.'" + +"But th' Matsachoosetts man didn't see it that way. An' some time, I +tell ye, Hinnissy, an' Englishman'll put th' shot wan fut further than +wan iv our men th' Lord save us fr'm th' disgrace!--an' th' next day +we'll invade Canada." + +"We ought to do it, annyhow," said Mr. Hennessy stoutly. + +"We wud," said Mr. Dooley, "if we were sure we cud lave it aftherwards." + + + + +VOICES FROM THE TOMB + + +"I don't think," said Mr. Dooley, "that me frind Willum Jennings Bryan +is as good an orator as he was four years ago." + +"He's th' grandest talker that's lived since Dan'l O'Connell," said Mr. +Hennessy. + +"Ye've heerd thim all an' ye know," said Mr. Dooley. "But I tell ye he's +gone back. D'ye mind th' time we wint down to th' Coleesyum an' he come +out in a black alapaca coat an' pushed into th' air th' finest wurruds +ye iver heerd spoke in all ye'er bor-rn days? 'Twas a balloon ascinsion +an' th' las' days iv Pompey an' a blast on th' canal all in wan. I had +to hold on to me chair to keep fr'm goin' up in th' air, an' I mind that +if it hadn't been f'r a crack on th' head ye got fr'm a dillygate fr'm +Westconsin ye'd 've been in th' hair iv Gin'ral Bragg. Dear me, will ye +iver f'rget it, th' way he pumped it into th' pluthocrats? 'I tell +ye here an' now,' he says, 'they'se as good business men in th' +quite counthry graveyards iv Kansas as ye can find in the palathial +lunch-counthers iv Wall street,' he says. 'Whin I see th' face iv that +man who looks like a two-dollar pitcher iv Napolyeon at Saint Heleena,' +he says, 'I say to mesilf, ye shall not--ye shall not'--what th' divvle +is it ye shall not do, Hinnissy?" + +"Ye shall not crucify mankind upon a crown iv thorns," said Mr. +Hennessy. + +"Right ye ar-re, I forgot," Mr. Dooley went on. "Well, thim were his own +wurruds. He was young an' he wanted something an' he spoke up. He'd been +a rayporther on a newspaper an' he'd rather be prisidint thin write anny +longer f'r th' pa-aper, an' he made th' whole iv th' piece out iv his +own head. + +"But nowadays he has tin wurruds f'r Thomas Jefferson an' th' rest iv +th' sage crop to wan f'r himsilf. 'Fellow-dimmycrats,' he says, 'befure +goin' anny farther, an' maybe farin' worse, I reluctantly accipt th' +nommynation f'r prisidint that I have caused ye to offer me,' he says, +'an' good luck to me,' he says. 'Seein' th' counthry in th' condition +it is,' he says, 'I cannot rayfuse,' he says. 'I will now lave a subject +that must be disagreeable to manny iv ye an' speak a few wurruds fr'm +th' fathers iv th' party, iv whom there ar-re manny,' he says, 'though +no shame to th' party, f'r all iv that,' he says. 'Thomas Jefferson, +th' sage iv Monticello, says: "Ye can't make a silk purse out iv a +sow's ear," a remark that will at wanst recall th' sayin' iv Binjamin +Franklin, th' sage iv Camden, that "th' fartherest way ar-round is th' +shortest way acrost." Nawthin' cud be thruer thin that onliss it is th' +ipygram iv Andhrew Jackson, th' sage iv Syr-acuse, that "a bur-rd in th' +hand is worth two in th' bush." What gran' wurruds thim ar-re, an' how +they must torture th' prisint leaders iv th' raypublican party. Sam'l +Adams, th' sage iv Salem, says: "Laugh an' the wurruld laughs with ye," +while Pathrick Hinnery, th' sage iv Jarsey City, puts it that "ye shud +always bet aces befure th' dhraw." Turnin' farther back into histhry we +find that Brian Boru, th' sage iv Munsther, said: "Cead mille failthe," +an' Joolyus Caesar, th' sage iv Waukeesha, says, "Whin ye're in Rome, +do th' Romans." Nebuchedneezar--there's a name f'r ye--th' sage iv +I-dinnaw-where, says: "Ye can't ate ye'er hay an' have it." Solomon, th' +sage iv Sageville, said, "Whin a man's marrid his throubles begins," an' +Adam, th' sage iv Eden, put it that "A snake in th' grass is worth two +in th' boots." Ye'll see be this, me good an' thrue frinds, that th' +voices fr'm th' tombs is united in wan gran' chorus f'r th' ticket ye +have nommynated. I will say no more, but on a future occasion, whin I've +been down in southern Injyanny, I'll tell ye what th' sages an' fathers +iv th' party in th' Ancient an' Hon'rable Association iv Mound-Builders +had to say about th' prisint crisis.'" + +"'Tisn't Bryan alone, Mack's th' same way. They're both ancesther +worshippers, like th' Chinese, Hinnissy. An' what I'd like to know is +what Thomas Jefferson knew about th' throubles iv ye an' me? Divvle a +wurrud have I to say again' Thomas. He was a good man in his day, though +I don't know that his battin' av'rage 'd be high again' th' pitchin' iv +these times. I have a gr-reat rayspict f'r the sages an' I believe +in namin' sthreets an' public schools afther thim. But suppose Thomas +Jefferson was to come back here now an' say to himsilf: 'They'se a good +dimmycrat up in Ar-rchy road an' I think I'll dhrop in on him an' talk +over th' issues iv th' day.' Well, maybe he cud r-ride his old gray mare +up an' not be kilt be the throlley cars, an' maybe th' la-ads'd think he +was crazy an' not murdher him f'r his clothes. An' maybe they wudden't. +But annyhow, suppose he got here, an' afther he'd fumbled ar-round at +th' latch--f'r they had sthrings on th' dure in thim days--I let him in. +Well, whin I've injooced him to take a bowl iv red liquor--f'r in his +time th' dhrink was white--an' explained how th' seltzer comes out an' +th' cash raygisther wurruks, an' wather is dhrawn fr'm th' fassit, an' +gas is lighted fr'm th' burner, an' got him so he wud not bump his head +again' th' ceilin' ivry time th' beer pump threw a fit--afther that we'd +talk iv the pollytical situation." + +"'How does it go?' says Thomas. 'Well,' says I, 'it looks as though +Ioway was sure raypublican,' says I. 'Ioway?' says he. 'What's that?' +says he. 'Ioway,' says I, 'is a state,' says I. 'I niver heerd iv it,' +says he. 'Faith ye did not,' says I. 'But it's a state just th' same, +an' full iv corn an' people,' I says. 'An' why is it raypublican?' +says he. 'Because,' says I, 'th' people out there is f'r holdin' th' +Ph'lippeens,' says I. 'What th' divvle ar-re th' Ph'lippeens?' says he. +'Is it a festival,' says he, 'or a dhrink?' he says. 'Faith, 'tis small +wondher ye don't know,' says I, 'f'r 'tis mesilf was weak on it a year +ago,' I says. 'Th' Ph'lippeens is an issue,' says I, 'an' islands,' says +I, 'an' a public nuisance,' I says. 'But,' I says, 'befure we go anny +further on this subject,' I says, 'd'ye know where Minnysota is, or +Westconsin, or Utah, or Californya, or Texas, or Neebrasky?' says I. 'I +do not,' says he. 'D'ye know that since ye'er death there has growed +up on th' shore iv Lake Mitchigan a city that wud make Rome look like a +whistlin' station--a city that has a popylation iv eight million people +till th' census rayport comes out?' I says. 'I niver heerd iv it,' he +says. 'D'ye know that I can cross th' ocean in six days, an' won't; that +if annything doesn't happen in Chiny I can larn about it in twinty-four +hours if I care to know; that if ye was in Wash'nton I cud call ye up +be tillyphone an ye'er wire'd be busy?' I says. 'I do not,' says Thomas +Jefferson. 'Thin,' says I, 'don't presume to advise me,' I says, 'that +knows these things an' manny more,' I says. 'An' whin ye go back where +ye come fr'm an' set down with th' rest iv th' sages to wondher whether +a man cud possibly go fr'm Richmond to Boston in a week, tell thim,' I +says, 'that in their day they r-run a corner grocery an' to-day,' says +I, 'we're op'ratin' a sixteen-story department store an' puttin' in +ivrything fr'm an electhric lightin' plant to a set iv false teeth,' I +says. An' I hist him on his horse an' ask a polisman to show him th' way +home." + +"Be hivins, Hinnissy, I want me advice up-to-date, an' whin Mack an' +Willum Jennings tells me what George Wash'nton an' Thomas Jefferson +said, I says to thim: 'Gintlemen, they larned their thrade befure th' +days iv open plumbin',' I says. 'Tell us what is wanted ye'ersilf or +call in a journeyman who's wurrukin' card is dated this cinchry,' I +says. 'An' I'm r-right too, Hinnissy.'" + +"Well," said Mr. Hennessy, slowly, "those ol' la-ads was level-headed." + +"Thrue f'r ye," said Mr. Dooley. "But undher th' new iliction laws ye +can't vote th' cimitries." + + + + +_The_ NEGRO PROBLEM + + +"What's goin' to happen to th' naygur?" asked Mr. Hennessy. + +"Well," said Mr. Dooley, "he'll ayther have to go to th' north an' be +a subjick race, or stay in th' south an' be an objick lesson. 'Tis a +har-rd time he'll have, annyhow. I'm not sure that I'd not as lave be +gently lynched in Mississippi as baten to death in New York. If I was +a black man, I'd choose th' cotton belt in prifrince to th' belt on th' +neck fr'm th' polisman's club. I wud so." + +"I'm not so much throubled about th' naygur whin he lives among his +opprissors as I am whin he falls into th' hands iv his liberators. Whin +he's in th' south he can make up his mind to be lynched soon or late an' +give his attintion to his other pleasures iv composin' rag-time music +on a banjo, an' wurrukin' f'r th' man that used to own him an' now on'y +owes him his wages. But 'tis th' divvle's own hardship f'r a coon to +step out iv th' rooms iv th' S'ciety f'r th' Brotherhood iv Ma-an where +he's been r-readin' a pome on th' 'Future of th' Moke' an' be pursooed +be a mob iv abolitionists till he's dhriven to seek polis protection, +which, Hinnissy, is th' polite name f'r fracture iv th' skull. + +"I was f'r sthrikin' off th' shackles iv th' slave, me la-ad. 'Twas +thrue I didn't vote f'r it, bein' that I heerd Stephen A. Douglas say +'twas onconstitootional, an' in thim days I wud go to th' flure with +anny man f'r th' constitootion. I'm still with it, but not sthrong. It's +movin' too fast f'r me. But no matther. Annyhow I was f'r makin' +th' black man free, an' though I shtud be th' south as a spoortin' +proposition I was kind iv glad in me heart whin Gin'ral Ulyss S. Grant +bate Gin'ral Lee an' th' rest iv th' Union officers captured Jeff Davis. +I says to mesilf, 'Now,' I says,'th' coon'll have a chanst f'r his +life,' says I, 'an' in due time we may injye him,' I says. + +"An' sure enough it looked good f'r awhile, an' th' time come whin th' +occas'nal dollar bill that wint acrost this bar on pay night wasn't good +money onless it had th' name iv th' naygur on it. In thim days they +was a young la-ad--a frind iv wan iv th' Donohue boys--that wint to th' +public school up beyant, an' he was as bright a la-ad as ye'd want to +see in a day's walk. Th' larnin' iv him wud sind Father Kelly back to +his grammar. He cud spell to make a hare iv th' hedge schoolmasther, +he was as quick at figures as th' iddycated pig they showed in th' +tint las' week in Haley's vacant lot, and in joggerphy, asthronomy, +algybbera, jommethry, chimisthry, physiojnomy, bassoophly an' fractions, +I was often har-rd put mesilf to puzzle him. I heerd him gradyooate an' +his composition was so fine very few cud make out what he meant. + +"I met him on th' sthreet wan day afther he got out iv school. 'What +ar-re ye goin' to do f'r ye'ersilf, Snowball,' says I--his name was +Andhrew Jackson George Wash'n'ton Americus Caslateras Beresford Vanilla +Hicks, but I called him 'Snowball,' him bein' as black as coal, d'ye +see--I says to him: 'What ar-re ye goin' to do f'r ye'ersilf?' I says. +'I'm goin' to enther th' profission iv law,' he says, 'where be me +acooman an' industhry I hope,' he says, 'f'r to rise to be a judge,' he +says, 'a congrissman,' he says, 'a sinator,' he says, 'an' p'rhaps,' he +says, 'a prisidint iv th' United States,' he says. 'Theyse nawthin to +prevint,' he says. 'Divvle a thing,' says I. 'Whin we made ye free,' +says I, 'we opened up all these opporchunities to ye,' says I. 'Go +on,' says I, 'an' enjye th' wealth an' position conferred on ye be th' +constitootion,' I says. 'On'y,' I says, 'don't be too free,' I says. +'Th' freedom iv th' likes iv ye is a good thing an' a little iv it goes +a long way,' I says, 'an' if I ever hear iv ye bein' prisidint iv th' +United States,' I says, 'I'll take me whitewashing' away fr'm ye'er +father, ye excelsior hair, poached-egg eyed, projiny iv tar,' I says, +f'r me Anglo-Saxon feelin' was sthrong in thim days. + +"Well, I used to hear iv him afther that defindin' coons in th' +polis coort, an' now an' thin bein' mintioned among th' scatthrin' in +raypublican county con-vintions, an' thin he dhropped out iv sight. +'Twas years befure I see him again. Wan day I was walkin' up th' levee +smokin' a good tin cint seegar whin a coon wearin' a suit iv clothes +that looked like a stained glass window in th' house iv a Dutch brewer +an' a pop bottle in th' fr-ront iv his shirt, steps up to me an' he +says: 'How dy'e do, Mistah Dooley,' says he. 'Don't ye know me--Mistah +Hicks?' he says. 'Snowball,' says I. 'Step inside this dureway,' says I, +'less Clancy, th' polisman on th' corner, takes me f'r an octoroon,' I +says. 'What ar-re ye do-in'?' says I. 'How did ye enjye th' prisidincy?' +says I. He laughed an' told me th' story iv his life. He wint to +practisin' law an' found his on'y clients was coons, an' they had no +assets but their vote at th' prim'ry. Besides a warrant f'r a moke was +the same as a letther iv inthroduction to th' warden iv th' pinitinchry. +Th' on'y thing left f'r th' lawyer to do was to move f'r a new thrile +an' afther he'd got two or three he thought ol' things was th' best +an' ye do well to lave bad enough alone. He got so sick iv chicken he +cudden't live on his fees an' he quit th' law an' wint into journalism. +He r-run 'Th' Colored Supplimint,' but it was a failure, th' taste iv +th' public lanin' more to quadhroon publications, an' no man that owned +a resthrant or theaytre or dhrygoods store'd put in an adver-tisemint +f'r fear th' subscribers'd see it an' come ar-round. Thin he attimpted +to go into pollytics, an' th' best he cud get was carryin' a bucket iv +wather f'r a Lincoln Club. He thried to larn a thrade an' found th' on'y +place a naygur can larn a thrade is in prison an' he can't wurruk at +that without committin' burglary. He started to take up subscriptions +f'r a sthrugglin' church an' found th' profission was overcrowded. +'Fin'ly,' says he, ''twas up to me to be a porther in a saloon or go +into th' on'y business,' he says, 'in which me race has a chanst,' he +says. 'What's that?' says I. 'Craps,' says he. 'I've opened a palachal +imporyium,' he says, 'where,' he says, ''twud please me very much,' he +says, 'me ol' abolitionist frind,' he says, 'if ye'd dhrop in some day,' +he says, 'an' I'll roll th' sweet, white bones f'r ye,' he says. ''Tis +th' hope iv me people,' he says. 'We have an even chanst at ivry other +pursoot,' he says, 'but 'tis on'y in craps we have a shade th' best iv +it,' he says." + +"So there ye ar-re, Hinnissy. An' what's it goin' to come to, says ye? +Faith, I don't know an' th' naygurs don't know, an' be hivins, I think +if th' lady that wrote th' piece we used to see at th' Halsted Sthreet +Opry House come back to earth, she wudden't know. I used to be all broke +up about Uncle Tom, but cud I give him a job tindin' bar in this here +liquor store? I freed th' slave, Hinnissy, but, faith, I think' twas +like tur-rnin' him out iv a panthry into a cellar." + +"Well, they got to take their chances," said Mr. Hennessy. "Ye can't do +annything more f'r thim than make thim free." + +"Ye can't," said Mr. Dooley; "on'y whin ye tell thim they're free they +know we're on'y sthringin' thim." + + + + +_The_ AMERICAN STAGE + + +"I've niver been much iv a hand f'r th' theaytre," said Mr. Dooley. +"Whin I was a young man an' Crosby's Opry house was r-runnin' I used to +go down wanst in a while an' see Jawn Dillon throwin' things around f'r +th' amusemint iv th' popylace an' whin Shakespere was played I often +had a seat in th' gal'ry, not because I liked th' actin', d'ye mind, but +because I'd heerd me frind Hogan speak iv Shakespere. He was a good man, +that Shakespere, but his pieces is full iv th' ol' gags that I heerd +whin I was a boy. Th' throuble with me about goin' to plays is that +no matther where I set I cud see some hired man in his shirt sleeves +argyin' with wan iv his frinds about a dog fight while Romeo was makin' +th' kind iv love ye wuddent want ye'er daughter to hear to Juliet in th' +little bur-rd cage they calls a balcony. It must've been because I wanst +knowed a man be th' name iv Gallagher that was a scene painter that I +cud niver get mesilf to th' pint iv concedin' that th' mountains that +other people agreed was manny miles in th' distance was in no danger +iv bein' rubbed off th' map be th' coat-tails iv wan iv th' principal +char-ackters. An' I always had me watch out to time th' moon whin' twas +shoved acrost th' sky an' th' record breakin' iv day in th' robbers' +cave where th' robbers don't dare f'r to shtep on the rock f'r fear +they'll stave it in. If day iver broke on th' level th' way it does on +th' stage 'twud tear th' bastin' threads out iv what Hogan calls th' +firmymint. Hogan says I haven't got th' dhramatic delusion an' he must +be r-right f'r ye can't make me believe that twinty years has elapsed +whin I know that I've on'y had time to pass th' time iv day with th' +bartinder nex' dure. + +"Plays is upside down, Hinnissy, an' inside out. They begin with a full +statement iv what's goin' to happen an' how it's goin' to come out +an' thin ye're asked to forget what ye heerd an' be surprised be th' +outcome. I always feel like goin' to th' office an' gettin' me money or +me lithograph pass back afther th' first act. + +"Th' way to write a play is f'r to take a book an' write it over hindend +foremost. They're puttin' all books on th' stage nowadays. Fox's +'Book iv Martyrs' has been done into a three-act farce-comedy an'll be +projooced be Delia Fox, th' author, nex' summer. Webster's 'Onabridge +Ditchnry' will be brought out as a society dhrama with eight hundherd +thousan' char-ackters. Th' 'Constitution iv th' United States' (a farce) +be Willum McKinley is r-runnin' to packed houses with th' cillybrated +thradeejan Aggynaldoo as th' villain. In th' sixteenth scene iv th' last +act they'se a naygur lynchin'. James H. Wilson, th' author iv 'Silo an' +Ensilage, a story f'r boys,' is dhramatizin' his cillybrated wurruk an' +will follow it with a dhramatic version iv 'Sugar Beet Culture,' a farm +play. 'Th' Familiar Lies iv Li Hung Chang' is expicted to do well in th' +provinces an' Hostetter's Almanac has all dates filled, I undherstand +th' bible'll be r-ready f'r th' stage undher th'direction iv Einstein +an' Opperman befure th' first iv th' year. Some changes has been +niciss'ry f'r to adapt it to stage purposes, I see be th' pa-apers. Th' +authors has become convinced that Adam an' Eve must be carrid through +th' whole play, so they have considerably lessened th' time between th' +creation an' th' flood an' have made Adam an English nobleman with a +shady past an' th' Divvle a Fr-rinch count in love with Eve. They're +rescued be Noah, th' faithful boatman who has a comic naygur son." + +"I see be th' pa-aper th' stage is goin' to th' dogs what with it's +Sappho's an' th' like iv that," said Mr. Hennessy. + +"Well, it isn't what it used to be," said Mr. Dooley, "in th' days whin +'twas th' purpose iv th' hero to save th' honest girl from the clutches +iv th' villin in time to go out with him an' have a shell iv beer at +th' Dutchman's downstairs. In th' plays nowadays th' hero is more iv a +villain thin th' villain himsilf. He's th' sort iv a man that we used +to heave pavin' shtones at whin he come out iv th' stage dure iv th' +Halsted Sthreet Opry House. To be a hero ye've first got to be an +Englishman, an' as if that wasn't bad enough ye've got to have committed +as many crimes as th' late H. H. Holmes. If he'd been born in England +he'd be a hero. Ye marry a woman who swears an' dhrinks an' bets on th' +races an' ye quarrel with her. Th' r-rest iv th' play is made up iv hard +cracks be all th' char-ack-ters at each others' morals. This is called +repartee be th' learned, an' Hogan. Repartee is where I say: 'Ye stole +a horse' an' ye say: 'But think iv ye'er wife!' In Ar-rchy r-road 'tis +called disordherly conduct. They'se another play on where a man r-runs +off with a woman that's no betther thin she ought to be. He bates her +an' she marries a burglar. Another wan is about a lady that ates dinner +with a German. He bites her an' she hits him with a cabbage. Thin +they'se a play about an English gintleman iv th' old school who thries +to make a girl write a letter f'r him an' if she don't he'll tell on +her. He doesn't tell an' so he's rewarded with th' love iv th' heroine, +an honest English girl out f'r th' money." + +"Nobody's marrid in th' modhern play, Hinnissy, an' that's a good thing, +too, f'r annywan that got marrid wud have th' worst iv it. In th' ol' +times th' la-ads that announces what's goin' to happen in the first act, +always promised ye a happy marredge in th' end an' as ivrybody's lookin' +f'r a happy marredge, that held the aujeence. Now ye know that th' hero +with th' wretched past is goin' to elope with th' dhrunken lady an' th' +play is goin' to end with th' couples prettily divorced in th' centher +iv th' stage. 'Tis called real life an' mebbe that's what it is, but f'r +me I don't want to see real life on th' stage. I can see that anny day. +What I want is f'r th' spotless gintleman to saw th' la-ad with th' +cigareet into two-be-fours an' marry th' lady that doesn't dhrink much +while th' aujeence is puttin' on their coats." + +"Why don't they play Shakespere any more?" Mr. Hennessy asked. + +"I undherstand," said Mr. Dooley, "that they're goin' to dhramatize +Shakespere whin th' dhramatizer gets through with th' 'Report iv th' +Cinsus Department f'r 1899-1900.'" + + + + +TROUBLES OF A CANDIDATE + + +"I wisht th' campaign was over," said Mr. Dooley. + +"I wisht it'd begin," said Mr. Hennessy. "I niver knew annything so +dead. They ain't been so much as a black eye give or took in th' ward +an' its less thin two months to th' big day." + +"'Twill liven up," said Mr. Dooley, "I begin to see signs iv th' good +times comin' again. 'Twas on'y th' other day me frind Tiddy Rosenfelt +opened th' battle mildly be insinuatin' that all dimmycrats was liars, +horse thieves an' arnychists. 'Tis thrue he apologized f'r that be +explainin' that he didn't mean all dimmycrats but on'y those that +wudden't vote f'r Mack but I think he'll take th' copper off befure +manny weeks. A ladin' dimmycratic rayformer has suggested that Mack +though a good man f'r an idjiot is surrounded be th' vilest scoundhrels +iver seen in public life since th' days iv Joolyus Caesar. Th' Sicrety +iv th' Threeasury has declared, that Mr. Bryan in sayin' that silver is +not convartible be th' terms iv th' Slatthry bankin' law iv 1870, +an' th' sicond clause iv th' threaty iv Gansville, has committed th' +onpard'nable pollytical sin iv so consthructin' th' facts as to open +up th' possibility iv wan not knowin' th' thrue position iv affairs, +misundhersthandin' intirely. If he had him outside he'd call him a liar. +Th' raypublicans have proved that Willum Jennings Bryan is a thraitor +be th' letther written be Dr. Lem Stoggins, th' cillybrated antithought +agytator iv Spooten Duyvil to Aggynaldoo in which he calls upon him to +do nawthin' till he hears fr'm th' doc. Th' letther was sint through +th' postal authorities an' as they have established no post-office +in Aggynaldoo's hat they cudden't deliver it an' they opened it. Upon +r-readin' th' letther Horace Plog iv White Horse, Minnesota, has wrote +to Willum Jennings Bryan declarin' that if he (Plog) iver went to th' +Ph'lippeens, which he wud've done but f'r th' way th' oats was sproutin' +in th' stack, an' had been hit with a bullet he'd ixpict th' Coroner to +hold Bryan to th' gran' jury. This was followed be th' publication iv a +letther fr'm Oscar L. Swub iv East Persepalis, Ohio, declarin' that his +sister heerd a cousin iv th' man that wash'd buggies in a livery stable +in Canton say Mack's hired man tol' him Mack'd be hanged befure he'd +withdraw th' ar-rmy fr'm Cuba." + +"Oh, I guess th' campaign is doin' as well as cud be ixpicted. I see be +th' raypublican pa-apers that Andhrew Carnegie has come out f'r Bryan +an' has conthributed wan half iv his income or five hundhred millyon +dollars to th' campaign fund. In th' dimmycratic pa-apers I r-read that +Chairman Jim Jones has inthercipted a letther fr'm the Prince iv Wales +to Mack congratulatin' him on his appintmint as gintleman-in-waitin' +to th' queen. A dillygation iv Mormons has started fr'm dimmycratic +headquarthers to thank Mack f'r his manly stand in favor iv poly-gamy +an' th' raypublican comity has undher con-sideration a letther fr'm long +term criminals advisin' their colleagues at large to vote f'r Willum +Jennings Bryan, th' frind iv crime." + +"In a few short weeks, Hinnissy, 'twill not be safe f'r ayether iv +the candydates to come out on th' fr-ront porch till th' waitin' +dillygations has been searched be a polisman. 'Tis th' divvle's own +time th' la-ads that r-runs f'r th' prisidincy has since that ol' boy +Burchard broke loose again' James G. Blaine. Sinitor Jones calls wan iv +his thrusty hinchman to his side, an' says he: 'Mike, put on a pig-tail, +an' a blue shirt an' take a dillygation iv Chinnymen out to Canton an' +congratulate Mack on th' murdher iv mission'ries in China. An',' he +says, 'ye might stop off at Cincinnati on th' way over an' arrange f'r +a McKinley an' Rosenfelt club to ilict th' British Consul its prisidint +an' attack th' office iv th' German newspaper,' he says. Mark Hanna +rings f'r his sicrety an', says he: 'Have ye got off th' letther fr'm +George Fred Willums advisin' Aggynaldoo to pizen th' wells?' 'Yes +sir.' 'An' th' secret communication fr'm Bryan found on an arnychist at +Pattherson askin' him to blow up th' White House?' 'It's in th' hands +iv th' tyepwriter.' 'Thin call up an employmint agency an' have a +dillygation iv Jesuites dhrop in at Lincoln, with a message fr'm th' +pope proposin' to bur-rn all Protestant churches th' night befure +iliction.'" + +"I tell ye, Hinnissy, th' candydate is kept mov-in'. Whin he sees a +dilly-gation pikin' up th' lawn he must be r-ready. He makes a flyin' +leap f'r th' chairman, seizes him by th' throat an' says: 'I thank +ye f'r th' kind sintimints ye have conveyed. I am, indeed, as ye have +remarked, th' riprisintative iv th' party iv manhood, honor, courage, +liberality an' American thraditions. Take that back to Jimmy Jones an' +tell him to put it in his pipe an' smoke it.' With which he bounds into +th' house an' locks the dure while th' baffled conspirators goes down +to a costumer an' changes their disguise. If th' future prisidint hadn't +been quick on th' dhraw he'd been committed to a policy iv sthranglin' +all the girl babies at birth." + +"No,'tis no aisy job bein' a candydate, an' 'twud be no easy job if th' +game iv photygraphs was th' on'y wan th' candydates had to play. Willum +Jennings Bryan is photygraphed smilin' back at his smilin' corn fields, +in a pair iv blue overalls with a scythe in his hand borrid fr'm th' +company that's playin' 'Th' Ol' Homestead,' at th' Lincoln Gran' Opry +House. Th' nex' day Mack is seen mendin' a rustic chair with a monkey +wrinch, Bryan has a pitcher took in th' act iv puttin' on a shirt marked +with th' union label, an' they'se another photygraph iv Mack carryin' +a scuttle iv coal up th' cellar stairs. An' did ye iver notice how much +th' candydates looks alike, an' how much both iv thim looks like Lydia +Pinkham? Thim wondherful boardhin'-house smiles that our gifted +leaders wears, did ye iver see annythin' so entrancin'? Whin th' las' +photygrapher has packed his ar-ms homeward I can see th' gr-reat men +retirin' to their rooms an' lettin' their faces down f'r a few minyits +befure puttin' thim up again in curl-pa-apers f'r th' nex' day display. +Glory be, what a relief 'twill be f'r wan iv thim to raysume permanently +th' savage or fam'ly breakfast face th' mornin' afther iliction! What a +raylief 'twill be to no f'r sure that th' man at th' dure bell is on'y +th' gas collector an' isn't loaded with a speech iv thanks in behalf iv +th' Spanish Gover'mint! What a relief to snarl at wife an' frinds wanst +more, to smoke a seegar with th' thrust magnate that owns th' +cider facthry near th' station, to take ye'er nap in th' afthernoon +undisthurbed be th' chirp iv th' snap-shot! 'Tis th' day afther iliction +I'd like f'r to be a candydate, Hinnissy, no matther how it wint." + +"An' what's become iv th' vice-prisidintial candydates?" Mr. Hennessy +asked. + +"Well," said Mr. Dooley, "Th' las' I heerd iv Adly, I didn't hear +annythin', an' th' las' I heerd iv Tiddy he'd made application to th' +naytional comity f'r th' use iv Mack as a soundin' board." + + + + +A BACHELOR'S LIFE + + +"It's always been a wondher to me," said Mr. Hennessy, "ye niver +marrid." + +"It's been a wondher to manny," Mr. Dooley replied haughtily. "Maybe if +I'd been as aisy pleased as most--an' this is not sayin' annything again +you an' ye'ers, Hinnisy, f'r ye got much th' best iv it--I might be th' +father iv happy childher an' have money in th' bank awaitin' th' day +whin th' intherest on th' morgedge fell due. 'Tis not f'r lack iv +opportunities I'm here alone, I tell ye that me bucko, f'r th' time was +whin th' sound iv me feet'd brings more heads to th' windies iv Ar-rchey +r-road thin'd bob up to see ye'er fun'ral go by. An' that's manny a +wan." + +"Ah, well," said Mr. Hennessy, "I was but jokin' ye." His tone mollified +his friend, who went on: "To tell ye th' truth, Hinnissy, th' raison I +niver got marrid was I niver cud pick a choice. I've th' makin' iv an +ixcillint ol' Turk in me, to be sure, f'r I look on all the sect as +iligeable f'r me hand an' I'm on'y resthrained fr'm r-rentin' Lincoln +Park f'r a home an' askin' thim all to clave on'y to me, be me nachral +modesty an' th' laws iv th' State iv Illinye. 'Twas always so with me +an' I think it is so with most men that dies bachelors. Be r-readin' +th' pa-apers ye'd think a bachelor was a man bor-rn with a depraved +an' parvarse hathred iv wan iv our most cherished institootions, an' +anti-expansionist d'ye mind. But'tis no such thing. A bachelor's a man +that wud extind his benificint rule over all th' female wurruld, fr'm +th' snow-capped girls iv Alaska to th' sunny eileens iv th' Passyfic. +A marrid man's a person with a limited affection--a protictionist +an' anti-expansionist, a mugwump, be hivins. 'Tis th' bachelor that's +keepin' alive th' rivrince f'r th' sect. + +"Whin I was a young man, ye cud search fr'm wan end iv th' town to th' +other f'r me akel with th' ladies. Ye niver see me in them days, but +'twas me had a rogue's eye an' a leg far beyant th' common r-run iv +props. I cud dance with th' best iv thim, me voice was that sthrong +'twas impossible to hear annywan else whin I sung 'Th' Pretty Maid +Milkin' th' Cow,' an' I was dhressed to kill on Sundahs. 'Twas thin +I bought th' hat ye see me wear at th' picnic. 'Twas 'Good mornin', +Misther Dooley, an' will ye come in an' have a cup iv tay,' an' 'How +d'ye do Misther Dooley, I didn't see ye at mass this mornin',' an' +'Martin, me boy, dhrop in an' take a hand at forty-fives. Th' young +ladies has been ask in' me ar-re ye dead.' I was th' pop'lar idol, ye +might say, an' manny's th' black look I got over th' shouldher at picnic +an' wake. But I minded thim little. If a bull again me come fr'm th' +pope himsilf in thim days whin me heart was high, I'd tuck it in me +pocket an' say: 'I'll r-read it whin I get time.'" + +"Well, I'd take one iv th' girls out in me horse an' buggy iv a Sundah +an' I'd think she was th' finest in th' wurruld an' I'd be sayin' all +kinds iv jokin' things to her about marredge licenses bein' marked down +on account iv th' poor demand an' how th' parish priest was thinkin' iv +bein' thransferred to a parish where th' folks was more kindly disposed +to each other an' th' likes iv that, whin out iv th' corner iv me eye +I'd see another girl go by, an' bless me if I cud keep th' lid iv me +r-right eye still or hold me tongue fr'm such unfortchnit remark as: +'That there Molly Heaney's th' fine girl, th' fine, sthrappin' girl, +don't ye think so?' Well, ye know, afther that I might as well be +dhrivin' an ice wagon as a pleasure rig; more thin wanst I near lost th' +tip iv me nose in th' jamb iv th' dure thryin' to give an affictshionate +farewell. An' so it wint on, till I got th' repytation iv a flirt an' a +philandhrer f'r no raison at all, d'ye mind, but me widespread fondness. +I like thim all, dark an' light, large an' small, young an' old, marrid +an' single, widdied an' divorced, an' so I niver marrid annywan. But +ye'll find me photygraft in some albums an' me bills in more thin wan +livery stable." + +"I think marrid men gets on th' best f'r they have a home an' fam'ly to +lave in th' mornin' an' a home an' fam'ly to go back to at night; that +makes thim wurruk. Some men's domestic throubles dhrives thim to dhrink, +others to labor. Ye r-read about a man becomin' a millyonaire an' ye +think he done it be his own exertions whin 'tis much again little 'twas +th' fear iv comin' home impty handed an' dislike iv stayin' ar-round th' +house all day that made him rich. Misther Standard Ile takes in millyons +in a year but he might be playin' dominoes in an injine house if it +wasn't f'r Mrs. Standard Ile. 'Tis th' thought iv that dear quiet lady +at home, in her white cap with her ca'm motherly face, waitin' patiently +f'r him with a bell-punch that injooces him to put a shtick iv dinnymite +in somebody else's ile well an' bury his securities whin th' assissor +comes ar-round. Near ivry man's property ought to be in wife's name an' +most iv it is. + +"But with a bachelor 'tis diff'rent. Ye an' I ar-re settin' here +together an' Clancy dhrops in. Clancy's wife's away an' he's out f'r a +good time an' he comes to me f'r it. A bachelor's f'r th' enjymint of +his marrid frinds' vacations. Whin Clancy's wife's at home an' I go to +see him he r-runs th' pail out in a valise, an' we take our criminal +dhrink in th' woodshed. Well, th' three iv us sits here an' pass th' +dhrink an' sing our songs iv glee till about ilivin o'clock; thin ye +begin to look over ye'er shouldher ivry time ye hear a woman's voice an' +fin'lly ye get up an' yawn an' dhrink ivrything on th' table an' gallop +home. Clancy an' I raysume our argymint on th' Chinese sityation an' +afterwards we carol together me singin' th' chune an' him doin' a razor +edge tinor. Thin he tells me how much he cares f'r me an' proposes to +rassle me an' weeps to think how bad he threats his wife an' begs me +niver to marry, f'r a bachelor's life's th' on'y wan, an' 'tis past +two o'clock whin I hook him on a frindly polisman an' sind him +thrippin'--th' polisman--down th' sthreet. All r-right so far. But in +th' mornin' another story. If Clancy gets home an' finds his wife's +rayturned fr'm th' seaside or th' stock yards, or whereiver'tis she's +spint her vacation, they'se no r-rest f'r him in th' mornin'. His head +may sound in his ears like a automobill an' th' look iv an egg may make +his knees thremble, but he's got to be off to th' blacksmith shop, +an' hiven help his helper that mornin'. So Clancy's gettin' r-rich an' +puttin' a coopoly on his house." + +"But with me 'tis diff'rent. Whin Phibbius Apollo as Hogan calls th' +sun, raises his head above th' gas house, I'm cuddled up in me couch +an' Morpus, gawd iv sleep, has a sthrangle holt on me. Th' alarm clock +begins to go off an' I've just sthrength enough to raise up an' fire +it through th' window. Two hours aftherward I have a gleam iv human +intillygince an' hook me watch out fr'm undher th' pillow. 'It's eight +o'clock,' says I. 'But is it eight in th' mornin' or eight in th' +evenin'?' says I. 'Faith, I dinnaw, an' divvle a bit care I. Eight's +on'y a number,' says I. 'It riprisints nawthin',' says I." + +"They'se hours enough in th' day f'r a free man. I'll turr-n over an' +sleep till eight-wan and thin I'll wake up refrished,' I says. 'Tis +ilivin o'clock whin me tired lids part f'r good an' Casey has been here +to pay me eight dollars an' findin' me not up has gone away f'r another +year." + +"A marrid man gets th' money, Hinnissy, but a bachelor man gets +th' sleep. Whin all me marrid frinds is off to wurruk pound in' th' +ongrateful sand an' wheelin' th' rebellyous slag, in th' heat iv th' +afthernoon, ye can see ye'er onfortchnit bachelor frind perambulatin' up +an' down th' shady side iv th' sthreet, with an umbrelly over his head +an' a wurrud iv cheer fr'm young an' old to enliven his loneliness." + +"But th' childher?" asked Mr. Hennessy slyly. + +"Childher!" said Mr. Dooley. "Sure I have th' finest fam'ly in th' city. +Without scandal I'm th' father iv ivry child in Ar-rchey r-road fr'm end +to end." + +"An' none iv ye'er own," said Mr. Hennessy. + +"I wish to hell, Hinnissy," said Mr. Dooley savagely, "ye'd not lean +against that mirror, I don't want to have to tell ye again." + + + + +THE EDUCATION OF THE YOUNG + + +The troubled Mr. Hennessy had been telling Mr. Dooley about the +difficulty of making a choice of schools for Packy Hennessy, who at the +age of six was at the point where the family must decide his career. + +"'Tis a big question," said Mr. Dooley, "an' wan that seems to be +worryin' th' people more thin it used to whin ivry boy was designed +f'r th' priesthood, with a full undherstandin' be his parents that +th' chances was in favor iv a brick yard. Nowadays they talk about th' +edycation iv th' child befure they choose th' name. 'Tis: 'Th' kid talks +in his sleep. 'Tis th' fine lawyer he'll make.' Or, 'Did ye notice him +admirin' that photygraph? He'll be a gr-reat journalist.' Or, 'Look +at him fishin' in Uncle Tim's watch pocket. We must thrain him f'r a +banker.' Or, 'I'm afraid he'll niver be sthrong enough to wurruk. He +must go into th' church.' Befure he's baptized too, d'ye mind. 'Twill +not be long befure th' time comes whin th' soggarth'll christen th' +infant: 'Judge Pathrick Aloysius Hinnissy, iv th' Northern District iv +Illinye,' or 'Profissor P. Aloysius Hinnissy, LL.D., S.T.D., P.G.N., +iv th' faculty iv Nothre Dame.' Th' innocent child in his cradle, +wondherin' what ails th' mist iv him an' where he got such funny lookin' +parents fr'm, has thim to blame that brought him into th' wurruld if he +dayvilops into a sicond story man befure he's twinty-wan an' is took up +be th' polis. Why don't you lade Packy down to th' occylist an' have him +fitted with a pair iv eyeglasses? Why don't ye put goloshes on him, give +him a blue umbrelly an' call him a doctor at wanst an' be done with it?" + +"To my mind, Hinnissy, we're wastin' too much time thinkin' iv th' +future iv our young, an' thryin' to larn thim early what they oughtn't +to know till they've growed up. We sind th' childher to school as +if 'twas a summer garden where they go to be amused instead iv a +pinitinchry where they're sint f'r th' original sin. Whin I was a la-ad +I was put at me ah-bee abs, th' first day I set fut in th' school behind +th' hedge an' me head was sore inside an' out befure I wint home. Now +th' first thing we larn th' future Mark Hannas an' Jawn D. Gateses iv +our naytion is waltzin', singin', an' cuttin' pitchers out iv a book. +We'd be much betther teachin' thim th' sthrangle hold, f'r that's what +they need in life." + +"I know what'll happen. Ye'll sind Packy to what th' Germans call a +Kindygartin, an' 'tis a good thing f'r Germany, because all a German +knows is what some wan tells him, an' his grajation papers is +a certy-ficate that he don't need to think anny more. But we've +inthrajooced it into this counthry, an' whin I was down seein' if I cud +injooce Rafferry, th' Janitor iv th' Isaac Muggs Grammar School, f'r +to vote f'r Riordan--an' he's goin' to--I dhropped in on Cassidy's +daughter, Mary Ellen, an' see her kindygartnin'. Th' childher was +settin' ar-round on th' flure an' some was moldin' dachshunds out iv mud +an' wipin' their hands on their hair, an' some was carvin' figures iv a +goat out iv paste-board an' some was singin' an' some was sleepin' an' +a few was dancin' an' wan la-ad was pullin' another la-ad's hair. 'Why +don't ye take th' coal shovel to that little barbaryan, Mary Ellen?' +says I. 'We don't believe in corporeal punishment,' says she. 'School +shud be made pleasant f'r th' childher,' she says. 'Th' child who's hair +is bein' pulled is larnin' patience,' she says, 'an' th' child that's +pullin' th' hair is discovrin' th' footility iv human indeavor,' says +she. 'Well, oh, well,' says I, 'times has changed since I was a boy,' +I says. 'Put thim through their exercises,' says I. 'Tommy,' says I, +'spell cat,' I says. 'Go to th' divvle,' says th' cheerub. 'Very smartly +answered,' says Mary Ellen. 'Ye shud not ask thim to spell,' she says. +'They don't larn that till they get to colledge,' she says, 'an'' she +says, 'sometimes not even thin,' she says. 'An' what do they larn?' says +I. 'Rompin',' she says, 'an' dancin',' she says, 'an' indepindance +iv speech, an' beauty songs, an' sweet thoughts, an' how to make home +home-like,' she says. 'Well,' says I, 'I didn't take anny iv thim things +at colledge, so ye needn't unblanket thim,' I says. 'I won't put thim +through anny exercise today,' I says. 'But whisper, Mary Ellen,' says +I, 'Don't ye niver feel like bastin' th' seeraphims?' 'Th' teachin's iv +Freebull and Pitzotly is conthrary to that,' she says. 'But I'm goin' +to be marrid an' lave th' school on Choosdah, th' twinty-sicond iv +Janooary,' she says, 'an' on Mondah, th' twinty-first, I'm goin' to ask +a few iv th' little darlin's to th' house an',' she says, 'stew thim +over a slow fire,' she says. Mary Ellen is not a German, Hinnissy." + +"Well, afther they have larned in school what they ar-re licked +f'r larnin' in th' back yard--that is squashin' mud with their +hands--they're conducted up through a channel iv free an' beautiful +thought till they're r-ready f'r colledge. Mamma packs a few doylies an' +tidies into son's bag, an' some silver to be used in case iv throuble +with th' landlord, an' th' la-ad throts off to th' siminary. If he's not +sthrong enough to look f'r high honors as a middle weight pugilist he +goes into th' thought departmint. Th' prisidint takes him into a Turkish +room, gives him a cigareet an' says: 'Me dear boy, what special +branch iv larnin' wud ye like to have studied f'r ye be our compitint +profissors? We have a chair iv Beauty an' wan iv Puns an' wan iv Pothry +on th' Changin' Hues iv the Settin' Sun, an' wan on Platonic Love, an' +wan on Nonsense Rhymes, an' wan on Sweet Thoughts, an' wan on How Green +Grows th' Grass, an' wan on' th' Relation iv Ice to th' Greek Idee iv +God,' he says. 'This is all ye'll need to equip ye f'r th' perfect life, +onless,' he says, 'ye intind bein' a dintist, in which case,' he says, +'we won't think much iv ye, but we have a good school where ye can larn +that disgraceful thrade,' he says. An' th' la-ad makes his choice, an' +ivry mornin' whin he's up in time he takes a whiff iv hasheesh an' goes +off to hear Profissor Maryanna tell him that 'if th' dates iv human +knowledge must be rejicted as subjictive, how much more must they be +subjicted as rejictive if, as I think, we keep our thoughts fixed upon +th' inanity iv th' finite in comparison with th' onthinkable truth with +th' ondivided an' onimaginable reality. Boys ar-re ye with me?'" + +"That's at wan colledge-Th' Colledge iv Speechless Thought. Thin there's +th' Colledge iv Thoughtless Speech, where th' la-ad is larned that th' +best thing that can happen to annywan is to be prisident iv a railroad +consolidation. Th' head iv this colledge believes in thrainin' young men +f'r th' civic ideel, Father Kelly tells me. Th' on'y thrainin' I know +f'r th' civic ideel is to have an alarm clock in ye'er room on iliction +day. He believes 'young men shud be equipped with Courage, Discipline, +an' Loftiness iv Purpose;' so I suppose Packy, if he wint there, wud +listen to lectures fr'm th' Profissor iv Courage an' Erasmus H. Noddle, +Doctor iv Loftiness iv Purpose. I loft, ye loft, he lofts. I've always +felt we needed some wan to teach our young th' Courage they can't get +walkin' home in th' dark, an' th' loftiness iv purpose that doesn't +start with bein' hungry an' lookin' f'r wurruk. An' in th' colledge +where these studies are taught, its undhershtud that even betther thin +gettin' th' civic ideel is bein' head iv a thrust. Th' on'y trouble +with th' coorse is that whin Packy comes out loaded with loftiness iv +purpose, all th' lofts is full iv men that had to figure it out on th' +farm." + +"I don't undherstand a wurrud iv what ye're sayin'," said Mr. Hennesy. + +"No more do I," said Mr. Dooley. "But I believe 'tis as Father Kelly +says: 'Childher shudden't be sint to school to larn, but to larn how +to larn. I don't care what ye larn thim so long as 'tis onpleasant to +thim.' 'Tis thrainin' they need, Hinnissy. That's all. I niver cud make +use iv what I larned in colledge about thrigojoomethry an'--an'--grammar +an' th' welts I got on th' skull fr'm the schoolmasther's cane I have +nivver been able to turn to anny account in th' business, but 'twas th' +bein' there and havin' to get things to heart without askin' th' meanin' +iv thim an' goin' to school cold an' comin' home hungry, that made th' +man iv me ye see befure ye." + +"That's why th' good woman's throubled about Packy," said Hennessy. + +"Go home," said Mr. Dooley. + + + + +"L'AIGLON" + + +"Hogan's been tellin' me iv a new play he r-read th' other day," said +Mr. Dooley. "'Tis be th' same la-ad that wrote th' piece they played +down in th' Christyan Brothers' school last year about the man with th' +big nose, that wud dhraw a soord or a pome on e'er a man alive. This +wan is called 'The Little Eagle,' an' 'tis about th' son iv Napolyon th' +Impror iv th' Fr-rinch, th' first wan, not th' wan I had th' fight about +in Schwartzmeister's in eighteen hundhred an' siventy. Bad cess to that +man, he was no good. I often wondher why I shtud up f'r him whin he +had hardly wan frind in th' counthry. But I did, an' ye might say I'm a +vethran iv th' Napolyonic Wars. I am so. + +"But th' first Napolyon was a diff'rent man, an' whin he died he left a +son that th' coorts tur-rned over to th' custody iv his mother, th' ol' +man bein' on th' island--th' same place where Gin'ral Crownjoy is +now. Tis about this la-ad th' play's written. He don't look to be +much account havin' a hackin' cough all through the piece, but down +undherneath he wants to be impror iv th' Fr-rinch like his father befure +him, d'ye mind, on'y he don't dare to go out f'r it f'r fear iv catchin' +a bad cold on his chist. Th' Austhreeches that has charge iv him don't +like th' idee iv havin' him know what kind iv man his father was. Whin +he asks: 'Where's pah?' They say: 'He died in jail.' 'What happened in +1805?' says th' boy. 'In 1805,' says th' Austhreeches, 'th' bar-rn blew +down.' 'In 1806?' says th' boy. 'In 1806 th' chimney smoked.' 'Not so,' +says th' prince. 'In 1806 me father crossed th' Rhine an' up,' he says, +'th' ar-rmed camps he marched to Augaspiel, to Lieberneck, to Donnervet. +He changed his boots at Mikelstraus an' down th' eagle swooped on +Marcobrun,' he says. 'Me gran'dad fled as flees th' hen befure th' hawk, +but dad stayed not till gran'pa, treed, besought f'r peace. That's +what me father done unto me gran'dad in eighteen six.' At this p'int he +coughs but ye sees he knew what was goin' on, bein' taught in secret be +a lady iv th' stage fr'm whom manny a la-ad cud larn th' truth about his +father. + +"Still he can't be persuaded f'r to apply f'r th' vacant improrship on +account iv his lungs, till wan day a tailor shows up to measure him f'r +some clothes. Th' tailor d'ye mind is a rivolutionist in disguise, +an' has come down fr'm Paris f'r to injooce th' young man to take th' +vacancy. 'Fourteen, six, thirty-three. How'll ye have th' pants made, +Impror?' says th' tailor. 'Wan or two hip pockets?' says he. + +"'Two hips,' says young Napolyon. 'What do ye mean be that?'" he says. + +"'Thirty-eight, siventeen, two sides, wan watch, buckle behind. All +Paris awaits ye, sire.'" + +"'Make th' sleeves a little longer thin this,' says th' boy. 'An' fill +out th' shouldhers. What proof have I?'" + +"'Wan or two inside pockets?' says th' tailor. 'Two insides. Hankerchief +pocket? Wan hankerchief. Th' pants is warn much fuller this year. Make +that twinty-eight instid iv twinty-siven,' he says. 'Paris shrieks f'r +ye,' he says. + +"'Proof,' says th' la-ad. + +"'They've named a perfume afther ye, a shirt waist, a paper collar, +a five cint seegar, a lot iv childer. Nay more, a breakfast dish +christened f'r ye is on ivry lip. Will I forward th' soot collect?' he +says. + +"'No, sind th' bill to me mother,' says th' boy. 'An' meet me in th' +park at tin,' he says. + +"So 'tis planned to seize th' throne, but it comes to nawthin'." + +"Why's that?" asked Mr. Hennessy. + +"F'r th' same reason that the Irish rivolution failed, th' polis +stopped it. Th' con-spirators met in th' park an' were nailed be a park +polisman. They didn't run in th' boy, but left him alone in th' place +which was where his father wanst fought a battle. As he shtands there +coughin' he begins to hear voices iv soops that followed th' ol' Impror. +'Comrade' says wan. 'Give me ye'er hand.' 'I can't,' says another. 'I +haven't wan left.' 'Where's me leg?' 'Sarch me.' 'I've lost me voice.' +'Me mind is shot away.' 'Reach me some wather.' 'Pass th' can.' 'A horse +is settin' on me chest.' 'What's that? They'se a batthry iv artillery on +me.' 'I've broke something. What is it?' 'I cannot move me leg.' 'Curses +on the Cavalry.' 'Have ye got th' time?' 'Oh me knee, how it aches me.' +'Ha ha. Ha ha. Ha ha. Ha ha.' 'Veev, th' Impror.' 'Right about face, +shouldher ar-rms, right shouldher shift arms. March.' A harsh, +metallic voice in the distance: 'Gin-rals, leftnant Gin'rals, officers, +sooz-officers, an' men--.' 'Tis th' boy's father. Th' boy pulls out his +soord an' says he: 'Come on, let's fight. Play away there band. Blow +fife and banners wave. Lave me at thim. Come on, come on!' an' he rushes +out an' makes a stab at an Austhreech regimint that's come up to be +dhrilled. Thin he undherstands 'twas all a dhream with him an' he +raysumes his ol' job. In th' next act he dies." + +"That's a good act," said Mr. Hennessy. + +"'Tis fine. In Austhree where this happened whin a man dies ivrybody +comes in to see him. Ye meet a frind on th' sthreet an' he says: 'Come +on over an see Harrigan jump off.' So whin th' la-ad is r-ready f'r to +go out ivry body gathers in his room. 'Tis a fash'nable ivint, like th' +Horse Show. Among those prisint is his mother. She's a frivolous ol' +loon, this Marie Louisa, that was Napolyon's sicond wife, though between +you an' me, Father Kelly has niver reconized her as such, th' Impror +havin' a wife livin' that was as tough as they make thim. But annyhow +she was there. She hadn't done much f'r her son, but she come to see +him off with siv'ral ladies that loved him an' others. Bein' a busy an' +fashn'able woman she cudden't raymimber his name. At times she called +him 'Frank' an' thin 'Fronzwah' an' 'Fritz' an' 'Ferdynand'--'twas +a name beginnin' with 'f' she knew that--but he f'rgive her an' ast +somewan to r-read to him. 'What shall it be?' says a gin'ral. 'R-read +about th' time I was christened,' says th' boy. An' th' gin'ral r-reads: +'At iliven o'clock at th' church iv Nothre Dame in th' prisince iv +th' followin' princes--,' 'Cut out th' princes,' says th' la-ad. 'An' +kings--' 'F'rget th' kings,' says th' lad. 'Th' son iv th' Impror--' +'He's dead,' says th' doctor. 'Put on his white soot,' says th' Main +Thing among th' Austhreeches that was again him fr'm th' beginnin'. An' +there ye ar-re." + +"Is that all?" asked Mr. Hennessy. + +"That's all," said Mr. Dooley. + +"He died?" + +"He did." + +"But he was sthrong r-right up to th' end." + +"He was that. None sthronger." + +"An' what?" asked Mr. Hennessy, "did they do with th' soot iv clothes he +ordhered fr'm th' tailor?" + + + + +CASUAL OBSERVATIONS + + +To most people a savage nation is wan that doesn't wear oncomf'rtable +clothes. + + * * * * * + +Manny people'd rather be kilt at Newport thin at Bunker Hill. + + * * * * * + +If ye live enough befure thirty ye won't care to live at all afther +fifty. + + * * * * * + +As Shakespere says, be thrue to ye'ersilf an' ye will not thin be false +to ivry man. + + * * * * * + +Play actors, orators an' women ar-re a class be thimsilves. + + * * * * * + +Among men, Hinnissy, wet eye manes dhry heart. + + * * * * * + +Th' nearest anny man comes to a con-ciption iv his own death is lyin' +back in a comfortable coffin with his ears cocked f'r th' flatthrin' +remarks iv th' mourners. + + * * * * * + +A fanatic is a man that does what he thinks th' Lord wud do if He knew +th' facts iv th' case. + + * * * * * + +A millionyaire--or man out iv debt--wanst tol' me his dhreams always +took place in th' farm-house where he was bor-rn. He said th' dhreamin' +iv his life was th' on'y part that seemed real. + + * * * * * + +'Tis no job to find out who wrote an anonymous letter. Jus' look out iv +th' window whin ye get it. 'Tis harder to do evil thin good be stealth. + + * * * * * + +A German's idee iv Hivin is painted blue an' has cast-iron dogs on th' +lawn. + + * * * * * + +No man was iver so low as to have rayspict f'r his brother-in-law. + + * * * * * + +Th' modhren idee iv governmint is 'Snub th' people, buy th' people, jaw +th' people.' + + * * * * * + +I wisht I was a German an' believed in machinery. + + * * * * * + +A vote on th' tallysheet is worth two in the box. + + * * * * * + +I care not who makes th' laws iv a nation if I can get out an +injunction. + + * * * * * + +An Englishman appears resarved because he can't talk. + + * * * * * + +What China needs is a Chinese exclusion act. + + * * * * * + +All th' wurruld loves a lover--excipt sometimes th' wan that's all th' +wurruld to him. + + * * * * * + +A nation with colonies is kept busy. Look at England! She's like wan iv +th' Swiss bell-ringers. + + * * * * * + +Th' paramount issue f'r our side is th' wan th' other side doesn't like +to have mintioned. + + * * * * * + +If ye put a beggar on horseback ye'll walk ye'ersilf. + + * * * * * + +It takes a sthrong man to be mean. A mean man is wan that has th' +courage not to be gin'rous. Whin I give a tip 'tis not because I want to +but because I'm afraid iv what th' waiter'll think. Russell Sage is wan +iv Nature's noblemen. + + * * * * * + +An autocrat's a ruler that does what th' people wants an' takes th' +blame f'r it. A constitootional ixicutive, Hinnissy, is a ruler that +does as he dam pleases an' blames th' people. + + * * * * * + +'Tis as hard f'r a rich man to enther th' kingdom iv Hiven as it is f'r +a poor man to get out iv Purgatory. + + * * * * * + +Evil communications corrupt good Ph'lippeens. + + * * * * * + +Ivry man has his superstitions. If I look at a new moon over me shoulder +I get a crick in me neck. + + * * * * * + +Thrust ivrybody--but cut th' ca-ards. + + * * * * * + +If Rooshia wud shave we'd not be afraid iv her. + + * * * * * + +Some day th' Ph'lippeens 'll be known as th' Standard Isles iv th' +Passyfic. + + * * * * * + +A woman's sinse iv humor is in her husband's name. + + * * * * * + +Most women ought niver to look back if they want a following. + + * * * * * + +If ye dhrink befure siven ye'll cry befure iliven. + + * * * * * + +A man that'd expict to thrain lobsters to fly in a year is called a +loonytic; but a man that thinks men can be tur-rned into angels be an +iliction is called a rayformer an' remains at large. + + * * * * * + +Th' throuble with most iv us, Hinnissy, is we swallow pollytical idees +befure they're ripe an' they don't agree with us. + + * * * * * + +Dhressmakers' bills sinds women into lithrachoor an' men into an early +decline. + + * * * * * + +A bur-rd undher a bonnet is worth two on th' crown. + + * * * * * + +People tell me to be frank, but how can I be whin I don't dare to know +mesilf? + + * * * * * + +People that talk loud an' offind ye with their insolence are usu'lly shy +men thryin' to get over their shyness. 'Tis th' quite, resarved, ca'm +spoken man that's mashed on himsilf. + + * * * * * + +If men cud on'y enjye th' wealth an' position th' newspapers give thim +whin they're undher arrest! Don't anny but prominent clubman iver elope +or embezzle? + + * * * * * + +Miditation is a gift con-fined to unknown philosophers an' cows. Others +don't begin to think till they begin to talk or write. + + * * * * * + +A good manny people r-read th' ol' sayin' "Larceny is th' sincerest form +iv flatthry." + + * * * * * + +Tis a good thing th' fun'ral sermons ar-re not composed in th' +confissional. + + * * * * * + +Most vigitaryans I iver see looked enough like their food to be classed +as cannybals. + + * * * * * + +I don't see why anny man who believes in medicine wud shy at th' faith +cure. + + * * * * * + +Miracles are laughed at be a nation that r-reads thirty millyon +newspapers a day an' supports Wall sthreet. + + * * * * * + +All men are br-rave in comp'ny an' cow'rds alone, but some shows it +clearer thin others. + + * * * * * + +I'd like to tell me frind Tiddy that they'se a strenuse life an' a +sthrenuseless life. + + * * * * * + +I'd like to've been ar-round in th' times th' historical novelists +writes about--but I wudden't like to be in th' life insurance business. + + * * * * * + +I wondher why porthrait painters look down on phrenologists. + + * * * * * + +Di-plomacy is a continyual game iv duck on th' rock--with France th' +duck. + + * * * * * + +Whin we think we're makin' a gr-reat hit with th' wurruld we don't know +what our own wives thinks iv us. + + + + + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's Mr. Dooley's Philosophy, by Finley Peter Dunne + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MR. 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Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..4b56b13 --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #7976 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/7976) diff --git a/old/7976-h.htm.2021-01-26 b/old/7976-h.htm.2021-01-26 new file mode 100644 index 0000000..e7d0fbc --- /dev/null +++ b/old/7976-h.htm.2021-01-26 @@ -0,0 +1,5919 @@ +<?xml version="1.0" encoding="utf-8"?> + +<!DOCTYPE html + PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd" > + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" lang="en"> + <head> + <title> + Mr. Dooley's Philosophy, by Finley Peter Dunne + </title> + <style type="text/css" xml:space="preserve"> + + body { margin:5%; background:#faebd0; text-align:justify} + P { text-indent: 1em; margin-top: .25em; margin-bottom: .25em; } + H1,H2,H3,H4,H5,H6 { text-align: center; margin-left: 15%; margin-right: 15%; } + hr { width: 50%; text-align: center;} + .foot { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; text-indent: -3em; font-size: 90%; } + blockquote {font-size: 97%; font-style: italic; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + .mynote {background-color: #DDE; color: #000; padding: .5em; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 95%;} + .toc { margin-left: 10%; margin-bottom: .75em;} + .toc2 { margin-left: 20%;} + div.fig { display:block; margin:0 auto; text-align:center; } + div.middle { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; } + .figleft {float: left; margin-left: 0%; margin-right: 1%;} + .figright {float: right; margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 1%;} + .pagenum {display:inline; font-size: 70%; font-style:normal; + margin: 0; padding: 0; position: absolute; right: 1%; + text-align: right;} + .side { float: right; font-size: 75%; width: 25%; padding-left: 0.8em; + border-left: dashed thin; margin-left: 0.8em; text-align: left; + text-indent: 0; font-weight: bold; font-style: italic; + font-weight: bold; color: black; background: #eeeeee; border: solid 1px;} + pre { font-style: italic; font-size: 90%; margin-left: 10%;} + +</style> + </head> + <body> + + +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Mr. Dooley's Philosophy, by Finley Peter Dunne + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Mr. Dooley's Philosophy + +Author: Finley Peter Dunne + + +Release Date: April, 2005 [EBook #7976] +This file was first posted on June 8, 2003 +Last Updated: March 15, 2018 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: UTF-8 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MR. DOOLEY'S PHILOSOPHY *** + + + + +Text file produced by Juliet Sutherland, Marvin A. Hodges, Charles +Franks, and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team + +HTML file produced by David Widger + + + + +</pre> + + <div style="height: 8em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h1> + MR. DOOLEY'S PHILOSOPHY + </h1> + <h2> + By Finley Peter Dunne + </h2> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <h4> + <i>Illustrated by</i> F. OPPER. + </h4> + <h5> + {Illustration: POOR PEOPLE 'LL HAVE SIMPLE MEALS.}<br /> (Illustrations not + available in this edition) + </h5> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <h3> + <i>To the Hennessys of the world who suffer and are silent</i> + </h3> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_PREF" id="link2H_PREF"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + PREFACE + </h2> + <p> + The reporter of these monologues would apologize for the frequent + reappearances of Mr. Dooley, if he felt the old gentleman would appreciate + an apology in his behalf. But Mr. Dooley has none of the modesty that has + been described as “an invention for protection against envy,” because + unlike that one of his distinguished predecessors who discovered this + theory to excuse his own imperfect but boastful egotism, he recognizes no + such human failing as envy. Most of the papers in the present collection + of the sayings of this great and learned man have appeared in the press of + America and England. This will account for the fact that they deal with + subjects that have pressed hard upon the minds of newspaper readers, + statesmen, and tax-payers during the year. To these utterances have been + added a number of obiter dicta by the philosopher, which, perhaps, will be + found to have the reminiscent flavor that appertains to the observations + of all learned judges when they are off the bench. + </p> + <p> + In some cases the sketches have been remodeled and care has been taken to + correct typographical blunders, except where they seemed to improve the + text. In this connection the writer must offer his profound gratitude to + the industrious typographer, who often makes two jokes grow where only one + grew before, and has added generously to the distress of amateur + elocutionists. + </p> + <h3> + F. P. D. + </h3> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + <b>CONTENTS</b> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_PREF"> PREFACE </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0002"> A BOOK REVIEW </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0003"> AMERICANS ABROAD </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0004"> SERVANT GIRL PROBLEM </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0005"> THE TRANSVAAL </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0006"> WAR AND WAR MAKERS </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0007"> UNDERESTIMATING THE ENEMY </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0008"> THE WAR EXPERT </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0009"> MODERN EXPLOSIVES </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0010"> THE CHINESE SITUATION </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0011"> MINISTER WU </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0012"> THE FUTURE OF CHINA </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0013"> PLATFORM MAKING </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0014"> THE YACHT RACES </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0015"> POLYGAMY </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0016"> PUBLIC FICKLENESS </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0017"> KENTUCKY POLITICS </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0018"> YOUNG ORATORY </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0019"> PUBLIC GRATITUDE </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0020"> MARRIAGE AND POLITICS </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0021"> ALCOHOL AS FOOD </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0022"> HIGH FINANCE </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0023"> THE PARIS EXPOSITION </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0024"> CHRISTIAN JOURNALISM </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0025"> THE ADMIRAL'S CANDIDACY </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0026"> CUSTOMS OF KENTUCKY </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0027"> A SOCIETY SCANDAL </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0028"> DOINGS OF ANARCHISTS </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0029"> ANGLO-AMERICAN SPORTS </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0030"> VOICES FROM THE TOMB </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0031"> <i>The</i> NEGRO PROBLEM </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0032"> <i>The</i> AMERICAN STAGE </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0033"> TROUBLES OF A CANDIDATE </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0034"> A BACHELOR'S LIFE </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0035"> THE EDUCATION OF THE YOUNG </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0036"> “L'AIGLON” </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0037"> CASUAL OBSERVATIONS </a> + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0002" id="link2H_4_0002"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + A BOOK REVIEW + </h2> + <p> + “Well sir,” said Mr. Dooley, “I jus' got hold iv a book, Hinnissy, that + suits me up to th' handle, a gran' book, th' grandest iver seen. Ye know + I'm not much throubled be lithrachoor, havin' manny worries iv me own, but + I'm not prejudiced again' books. I am not. Whin a rale good book comes + along I'm as quick as anny wan to say it isn't so bad, an' this here book + is fine. I tell ye 'tis fine.” + </p> + <p> + “What is it?” Mr. Hennessy asked languidly. + </p> + <p> + “'Tis 'Th' Biography iv a Hero be Wan who Knows.' 'Tis 'Th' Darin' + Exploits iv a Brave Man be an Actual Eye Witness.' 'Tis 'Th' Account iv + th' Desthruction iv Spanish Power in th' Ant Hills,' as it fell fr'm th' + lips iv Tiddy Rosenfelt an' was took down be his own hands. Ye see 'twas + this way, Hinnissy, as I r-read th' book. Whin Tiddy was blowed up in th' + harbor iv Havana he instantly con-cluded they must be war. He debated th' + question long an' earnestly an' fin'lly passed a jint resolution declarin' + war. So far so good. But there was no wan to carry it on. What shud he do? + I will lave th' janial author tell th' story in his own wurruds. + </p> + <p> + “'Th' sicrety iv war had offered me,' he says, 'th' command of a + rig'mint,' he says, 'but I cud not consint to remain in Tampa while + perhaps less audacious heroes was at th' front,' he says. 'Besides,' he + says, 'I felt I was incompetent f'r to command a rig'mint raised be + another,' he says. 'I detarmined to raise wan iv me own,' he says. 'I + selected fr'm me acquaintances in th' West,' he says, 'men that had + thravelled with me acrost th' desert an' th' storm-wreathed mountain,' he + says, 'sharin' me burdens an' at times confrontin' perils almost as + gr-reat as anny that beset me path,' he says. 'Together we had faced th' + turrors iv th' large but vilent West,' he says, 'an' these brave men had + seen me with me trusty rifle shootin' down th' buffalo, th' elk, th' + moose, th' grizzly bear, th' mountain goat,' he says, 'th' silver man, an' + other ferocious beasts iv thim parts,' he says. 'An' they niver flinched,' + he says. 'In a few days I had thim perfectly tamed,' he says, 'an' ready + to go annywhere I led,' he says. 'On th' thransport goi'n to Cubia,' he + says, 'I wud stand beside wan iv these r-rough men threatin' him as a + akel, which he was in ivrything but birth, education, rank an' courage, + an' together we wud look up at th' admirable stars iv that tolerable + southern sky an' quote th' bible fr'm Walt Whitman,' he says. 'Honest, + loyal, thrue-hearted la-ads, how kind I was to thim,' he says.” + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: Read the articles by Roosevelt and Davis in the Car Fare + Magazine} + </p> + <p> + “'We had no sooner landed in Cubia than it become nicessry f'r me to take + command iv th' ar-rmy which I did at wanst. A number of days was spint be + me in reconnoitring, attinded on'y be me brave an' fluent body guard, + Richard Harding Davis. I discovered that th' inimy was heavily inthrenched + on th' top iv San Juon hill immejiately in front iv me. At this time it + become apparent that I was handicapped be th' prisence iv th' ar-rmy,' he + says. 'Wan day whin I was about to charge a block house sturdily definded + be an ar-rmy corps undher Gin'ral Tamale, th' brave Castile that I + aftherwards killed with a small ink-eraser that I always carry, I r-ran + into th' entire military force iv th' United States lying on its stomach. + 'If ye won't fight,' says I, 'let me go through, 'I says. 'Who ar-re ye?' + says they. 'Colonel Rosenfelt,' says I. 'Oh, excuse me,' says the gin'ral + in command (if me mimry serves me thrue it was Miles) r-risin' to his + knees an' salutin'. This showed me 'twud be impossible f'r to carry th' + war to a successful con-clusion unless I was free, so I sint th' ar-rmy + home an' attackted San Juon hill. Ar-rmed on'y with a small thirty-two + which I used in th' West to shoot th' fleet prairie dog, I climbed that + precipitous ascent in th' face iv th' most gallin' fire I iver knew or + heerd iv. But I had a few r-rounds iv gall mesilf an' what cared I? I + dashed madly on cheerin' as I wint. Th' Spanish throops was dhrawn up in a + long line in th' formation known among military men as a long line. I + fired at th' man nearest to me an' I knew be th' expression iv his face + that th' trusty bullet wint home. It passed through his frame, he fell, + an' wan little home in far-off Catalonia was made happy be th' thought + that their riprisintative had been kilt be th' future governor iv New + York. Th' bullet sped on its mad flight an' passed through th' intire line + fin'lly imbeddin' itself in th' abdomen iv th' Ar-rch-bishop iv Santiago + eight miles away. This ended th' war.' + </p> + <p> + “'They has been some discussion as to who was th' first man to r-reach th' + summit iv San Juon hill. I will not attempt to dispute th' merits iv th' + manny gallant sojers, statesmen, corryspondints an' kinetoscope men who + claim th' distinction. They ar-re all brave men an' if they wish to wear + my laurels they may. I have so manny annyhow that it keeps me broke havin' + thim blocked an' irned. But I will say f'r th' binifit iv Posterity that I + was th' on'y man I see. An I had a tillyscope.'” + </p> + <p> + “I have thried, Hinnissy,” Mr. Dooley continued, “to give you a fair idee + iv th' contints iv this remarkable book, but what I've tol' ye is on'y + what Hogan calls an outline iv th' principal pints. Ye'll have to r-read + th' book ye'ersilf to get a thrue conciption. I haven't time f'r to tell + ye th' wurruk Tiddy did in ar-rmin' an' equippin' himself, how he fed + himsilf, how he steadied himsilf in battle an' encouraged himsilf with a + few well-chosen wurruds whin th' sky was darkest. Ye'll have to take a + squint into th' book ye'ersilf to l'arn thim things.” + </p> + <p> + “I won't do it,” said Mr. Hennessy. “I think Tiddy Rosenfelt is all + r-right an' if he wants to blow his hor-rn lave him do it.” + </p> + <p> + “Thrue f'r ye,” said Mr. Dooley, “an' if his valliant deeds didn't get + into this book 'twud be a long time befure they appeared in Shafter's + histhry iv th' war. No man that bears a gredge again' himsilf 'll iver be + governor iv a state. An' if Tiddy done it all he ought to say so an' + relieve th' suspinse. But if I was him I'd call th' book 'Alone in + Cubia.'” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0003" id="link2H_4_0003"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + AMERICANS ABROAD + </h2> + <p> + “I wondher,” said Mr. Dooley, “what me Dutch frind Oom Paul'll think whin + he hears that Willum Waldorf Asthor has given four thousan' pounds or + twinty thousan' iv our money as a conthribution to th' British + governmint?” + </p> + <p> + “Who's Willum Waldorf Asthor?” Mr. Hennessy asked. “I niver heerd iv him.” + </p> + <p> + “Ye wudden't,” said Mr. Dooley. “He don't thravel in ye'er set. Willum + Waldorf Asthor is a gintleman that wanst committed th' sin iv bein' bor-rn + in this counthry. Ye know what orig-inal sin is, Hinnissy. Ye was bor-rn + with wan an' I was bor-rn with wan an' ivrybody was bor-rn with wan. 'Twas + took out iv me be Father Tuomy with holy wather first an' be me father + aftherward with a sthrap. But I niver cud find out what it was. Th' sins + I've committed since, I'm sure iv. They're painted red an' carry a bell + an' whin I'm awake in bed they stan' out on th' wall like th' ilicthric + signs they have down be State sthreet in front iv th' clothin' stores. But + I'll go to th' grave without knowin' exactly what th' black orig-inal sin + was I committed. All I know is I done wrong. But with Willum Waldorf + Asthor 'tis dif'rent. I say 'tis diff'rent with Willum Waldorf Asthor. His + orig-inal sin was bein' bor-rn in New York. He cudden't do anything about + it. Nawthin' in this counthry wud wipe it out. He built a hotel intinded + f'r jooks who had no sins but thim iv their own makin', but even th' sight + iv their haughty bills cud not efface th' stain. He thried to live down + his crime without success an' he thried to live down to it be runnin' f'r + congress, but it was no go. No matther where he wint among his counthrymen + in England some wan wud find out he was bor-rn in New York an' th' man + that ownded th' house where he was spindin' th' night wud ast him if he + was a cannibal an' had he anny Indyan blood in his veins. 'Twas like + seein' a fine lookin' man with an intel-lecjal forehead an' handsome, + dar-rk brown eyes an' admirin' him, an' thin larnin' his name is Mudd J. + Higgins. His accint was proper an' his clothes didn't fit him right, but + he was not bor-rn in th' home iv his dayscindants, an' whin he walked th' + sthreets iv London he knew ivry polisman was sayin': 'There goes a man + that pretinds to be happy, but a dark sorrow is gnawin' at his bosom. He + looks as if he was at home, but he was bor-rn in New York, Gawd help him.” + </p> + <p> + {Illustration} + </p> + <p> + “So this poor way-worn sowl, afther thryin' ivry other rimidy fr'm + dhrivin' a coach to failin' to vote, at las' sought out th' rile high + clark iv th' coort an' says he: 'Behold,' he says, 'an onhappy man,' he + says. 'With millyons in me pocket, two hotels an' onlimited credit, 'he + says, 'me hear-rt is gray,' he says. 'Poor sowl,' says th' clark iv th' + coort, 'What's ailin' ye'?' he says. 'Have ye committed some gr-reat + crime?' he says. 'Partly,' says Willum Waldorf Asthor. 'It was partly me + an' partly me folks,' he says. 'I was,' he says, in a voice broken be + tears, 'I was,' he says, 'bor-rn in New York,' he says. Th' clark made th' + sign iv th' cross an' says he: 'Ye shudden't have come here,' he says. + 'Poor afflicted wretch,' he says, 'ye need a clargyman,' he says. 'Why did + ye seek me out?' he says. 'Because,' says Willum Waldorf Asthor, 'I wish,' + he says, 'f'r to renounce me sinful life,' he says. 'I wish to be bor-rn + anew,' he says. An' th' clark bein' a kind man helps him out. An' Willum + Waldorf Asthor renounced fealty to all foreign sovereigns, princes an' + potentates an' especially Mack th' Wanst, or Twict, iv th' United States + an' Sulu an' all his wur-ruks an' he come out iv th' coort with his hat + cocked over his eye, with a step jaunty and high, afther years iv servile + freedom a bondman at last! + </p> + <p> + “So he's a citizen iv Gr-reat Britain now an' a lile subject iv th' Queen + like you was Hinnissy befure ye was r-run out.” + </p> + <p> + “I niver was,” said Mr. Hennessy. “Sure th' Queen iv England was renounced + f'r me long befure I did it f'r mesilf—to vote.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, niver mind,” Mr. Dooley continued, “he's a citizen iv England an' + he has a castle that's as big as a hotel, on'y nobody goes there excipt + thim that's ast, an' not all of those, an' he owns a newspaper an' th' + editor iv it's the Prince iv Wales an' th' rayporthers is all jooks an' + th' Archbishop iv Canterbury r-runs th' ilivator, an' slug wan in th' + printin' office is th' Impror iv Germany in disgeese. 'Tis a pa-per I'd + like to see. I'd like to know how th' Jook iv Marlbro'd do th' McGovern + fight. An' some day Willum Waldorf Asthor'll be able to wurruk f'r his own + pa-aper, f'r he's goin' to be a earl or a markess or a jook or somethin' + gran'. Ye can't be anny iv these things without money, Hinnissy, an' he + has slathers iv it.” + </p> + <p> + “Where does he get it?” demanded Mr. Hennessy. + </p> + <p> + “F'rm this counthry,” said Mr. Dooley. + </p> + <p> + “I shud think,” Mr. Hennessy protested stoutly, “if he's ashamed iv this + counthry he wudden't want to take money f'rm it.” + </p> + <p> + “That's where ye're wrong,” Mr. Dooley replied. “Take money annywhere ye + find it. I'd take money f'rm England, much as I despise that formerly + haughty but now dejected land, if I cud get anny from there. An' whin ye + come down to it, I dinnaw as I blame Willum Waldorf Asthor f'r shiftin' + his allegiance. Ivry wan to his taste as th' man said whin he dhrank out + iv th' fire extinguisher. It depinds on how ye feel. If ye ar-re a tired + la-ad an' wan without much fight in ye, livin' in this counthry is like + thryin' to read th' Lives iv the Saints at a meetin' iv th' Clan-na-Gael. + They'se no quiet f'r annybody. They's a fight on ivry minyit iv th' time. + Ye may say to ye'ersilf: 'I'll lave these la-ads roll each other as much + as they plaze, but I'll set here in th' shade an' dhrink me milk punch, + but ye can't do it. Some wan 'll say, 'Look at that gazabo settin' out + there alone. He's too proud f'r to jine in our simple dimmycratic + festivities. Lave us go over an' bate him on th' eye.' An' they do it. Now + if ye have fightin' blood in ye'er veins ye hastily gulp down yeer dhrink + an' hand ye'er assailant wan that does him no kind iv good, an' th' first + thing ye know ye're in th thick iv it an' its scrap, scrap, scrap till th' + undhertaker calls f'r to measure ye. An' 'tis tin to wan they'se somethin' + doin' at th' fun'ral that ye're sorry ye missed. That's life in America. + Tis a gloryous big fight, a rough an' tumble fight, a Donnybrook fair + three thousan' miles wide an' a ruction in ivry block. Head an' ban's an' + feet an' th' pitchers on th' wall. No holds barred. Fight fair but don't + f'rget th' other la-ad may not know where th' belt line is. No polisman in + sight. A man's down with twinty on top iv him wan minyit. Th' next he's + settin' on th' pile usin' a base-ball bat on th' neighbor next below him. + 'Come on, boys, f'r 'tis growin' late, an' no wan's been kilt yet. Glory + be, but this is th' life!' + </p> + <p> + “Now, if I'm tired I don't want to fight. A man bats me in th' eye an' I + call f'r th' polis. They isn't a polisman in sight. I say to th' man that + poked me: 'Sir, I fain wud sleep.' 'Get up,' he says, 'an' be doin',' he + says. 'Life is rale, life is earnest,' he says, 'an' man was made to + fight,' he says, fetchin' me a kick. An' if I'm tired I say, 'What's th' + use? I've got plenty iv money in me inside pocket. I'll go to a place + where they don't know how to fight. I'll go where I can get something but + an argymint f'r me money an' where I won't have to rassle with th' man + that bates me carpets, ayether,' I says, 'f'r fifty cints overcharge or + good govermint,' I says. An' I pike off to what Hogan calls th' effete + monarchies iv Europe an' no wan walks on me toes, an' ivry man I give a + dollar to becomes an acrobat an' I live comfortably an' die a markess! Th' + divvle I do! + </p> + <p> + “That's what I was goin' to say,” Mr. Hennessy remarked. “Ye wudden't live + annywhere but here.” + </p> + <p> + “No,” said Mr. Dooley, “I wudden't. I'd rather be Dooley iv Chicago than + th' Earl iv Peltvule. It must be that I'm iv th' fightin' kind.” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0004" id="link2H_4_0004"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + SERVANT GIRL PROBLEM + </h2> + <p> + Whin Congress gets through expellin' mimbers that believes so much in + mathrimony that they carry it into ivry relation iv life an' opens th' + dure iv Chiny so that an American can go in there as free as a Chinnyman + can come into this refuge iv th' opprissed iv th' wurruld, I hope'twill + turn its attintion to th' gr-reat question now confrontin' th' nation—th' + question iv what we shall do with our hired help. What shall we do with + thim? + </p> + <p> + “We haven't anny,” said Mr. Hennessy. + </p> + <p> + “No,” said Mr. Dooley. “Ar-rchey r-road has no servant girl problem. Th' + rule is ivry woman her own cook an' ivry man his own futman, an' be th' + same token we have no poly-gamy problem an' no open dure problem an' no + Ph'lippeen problem. Th' on'y problem in Ar-rchey r-road is how manny times + does round steak go into twelve at wan dollar-an-a-half a day. But east iv + th' r-red bridge, Hinnissy, wan iv th' most cryin' issues iv th' hour is: + What shall we do with our hired help? An' if Congress don't take hold iv + it we ar-re a rooned people.” + </p> + <p> + “'Tis an ol' problem an' I've seen it arise an' shake its gory head ivry + few years whiniver th' Swede popylation got wurruk an' begun bein' marrid, + thus rayjoocin' th' visible supply iv help. But it seems 'tis deeper thin + that. I see be letters in th' pa-apers that servants is insolent, an' that + they won't go to wurruk onless they like th' looks iv their employers, an' + that they rayfuse to live in th' counthry. Why anny servant shud rayfuse + to live in th' counthry is more thin I can see. Ye'd think that this + disreputable class'd give annything to lave th' crowded tinimints iv a + large city where they have frinds be th' hundherds an' know th' polisman + on th' bate an' can go out to hateful dances an' moonlight picnics—ye'd + think these unforchnate slaves'd be delighted to live in Mulligan's + subdivision, amid th' threes an' flowers an' bur-rds. Gettin' up at four + o'clock in th' mornin' th' singin' iv th' full-throated alarm clock is + answered be an invisible choir iv songsters, as Shakespere says, an' ye + see th' sun rise over th' hills as ye go out to carry in a ton iv coal. + All day long ye meet no wan as ye thrip over th' coal-scuttle, happy in + ye'er tile an' ye'er heart is enlivened be th' thought that th' childher + in th' front iv th' house ar-re growin' sthrong on th' fr-resh counthry + air. Besides they'se always cookin' to do. At night ye can set be th' fire + an' improve ye'er mind be r-readin' half th' love story in th' part iv th' + pa-aper that th' cheese come home in, an' whin ye're through with that, + all ye have to do is to climb a ladder to th' roof an' fall through th' + skylight an' ye're in bed.” + </p> + <p> + {Illustration} + </p> + <p> + “But wud ye believe it, Hinnissy, manny iv these misguided women rayfuse + f'r to take a job that aint in a city. They prefer th' bustle an' roar iv + th' busy marts iv thrade, th' sthreet car, th' saloon on three corners an' + th' church on wan, th' pa-apers ivry mornin' with pitchers iv th' s'ciety + fav'rite that's just thrown up a good job at Armours to elope with th' + well-known club man who used to be yard-masther iv th' three B's, G, L, + & N., th' shy peek into th' dhry-goods store, an' other base luxuries, + to a free an' healthy life in th' counthry between iliven P.M. an' four + A.M. Wensdahs an' Sundahs. 'Tis worse thin that, Hinnissy, f'r whin they + ar-re in th' city they seem to dislike their wurruk an' manny iv thim + ar-re givin' up splindid jobs with good large families where they have no + chanst to spind their salaries, if they dhraw thim, an' takin' places in + shops, an' gettin' marrid an' adoptin' other devices that will give thim + th' chanst f'r to wear out their good clothes. 'Tis a horrible situation. + Riley th' conthractor dhropped in here th' other day in his horse an' + buggy on his way to the dhrainage canal an' he was all wurruked up over + th' question. 'Why,' he says, ''tis scand'lous th' way servants act,' he + says. 'Mrs. Riley has hystrics,' he says. 'An' ivry two or three nights + whin I come home,' he says, 'I have to win a fight again' a cook with a + stove lid befure I can move me family off th' fr-ront stoop,' he says. 'We + threat thim well too,' he says. 'I gave th' las' wan we had fifty cints + an' a cook book at Chris'mas an' th' next day she left befure breakfast,' + he says. 'What naytionalties do ye hire?' says I. 'I've thried thim all,' + he says, 'an',' he says, 'I'll say this in shame,' he says, 'that th' + Irish ar-re th' worst,' he says. 'Well,' says I, 'ye need have no shame,' + I says, 'f'r'tis on'y th' people that ar-re good servants that'll niver be + masthers,' I says. 'Th' Irish ar-re no good as servants because they ar-re + too good,' I says. 'Th' Dutch ar-re no good because they aint good enough. + No matther how they start they get th' noodle habit. I had wan, wanst, an' + she got so she put noodles in me tay,' I says. 'Th' Swedes ar-re all right + but they always get marrid th' sicond day. Ye'll have a polisman at th' + dure with a warrant f'r th' arrist iv ye'er cook if ye hire a Boheemyan,' + I says. 'Coons'd be all right but they're liable f'r to hand ye ye'er food + in ragtime, an' if ye ordher pork-chops f'r dinner an' th' hall is + long, 'tis little ye'll have to eat whin th' platter's set down,' I says. + 'No,' says I, 'they'se no naytionality now livin' in this counthry that're + nathral bor-rn servants,' I says. 'If ye want to save throuble,' I says, + 'ye'll import ye'er help. They'se a race iv people livin' in Cinthral + Africa that'd be jus' r-right. They niver sleep, tkey can carry twice + their weight on their backs, they have no frinds, they wear no clothes, + they can't read, they can't dance an' they don't dhrink. Th' fact is + they're thoroughly oneddycated. If ye cud tache thim to cook an' take care + iv childher they'd be th' best servants,' says I. 'An' what d'ye call + thim?' says he. 'I f'rget,' says I. An' he wint away mad.” + </p> + <p> + “Sure an' he's a nice man to be talkin' iv servants,” said Mr. Hennessy. + “He was a gintleman's man in th' ol' counthry an' I used to know his wife + whin she wurruked f'r ——” + </p> + <p> + “S-sh,” said Mr. Dooley. “They're beyond that now. Besides they speak fr'm + experyence. An' mebbe that's th' throuble. We're always harder with our + own kind thin with others. 'Tis I that'd be th' fine cinsor iv a + bartinder's wurruk. Th' more ye ought to be a servant ye'ersilf th' more + difficult'tis f'r ye to get along with servants. I can holler to anny man + fr'm th' top iv a buildin' an' make him tur-rn r-round, but if I come down + to th' sthreet where he can see I aint anny bigger thin he is, an' holler + at him, 'tis twinty to wan if he tur-rns r-round he'll hit me in th' eye. + We have a servant girl problem because, Hinnissy, it isn't manny years + since we first begun to have servant girls. But I hope Congress'll take it + up. A smart Congress like th' wan we have now ought to be able to spare a + little time fr'm its preparation iv new Jims iv speech f'r th' third + reader an' rig up a bill that'd make keepin' house a recreation while so + softenin' th' spirit iv th' haughty sign iv a noble race in th' kitchen + that cookin' buckwheat cakes on a hot day with th' aid iv a bottle iv + smokeless powdher'd not cause her f'r to sind a worthy man to his office + in slippers an' without a hat.” + </p> + <p> + “Ah,” said Mr. Hennessy, the simple democrat. “It wud be all r-right if + women'd do their own cookin'.” + </p> + <p> + “Well,” said Mr. Dooley. “'Twud be a return to Jacksonyan simplicity, an' + 'twud be a gr-reat thing f'r th' resthrant business.” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0005" id="link2H_4_0005"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE TRANSVAAL + </h2> + <p> + “It looks like war,” said Mr. Hennessy, who had been glancing at the + flaming head-lines of an evening paper over Mr. Dooley's shoulder. + </p> + <p> + “It always does,” said Mr. Dooley. “Since th' Czar iv Rooshia inthrajooced + his no-fight risolution, they'se been no chanst that they wudden't be + ructious.” + </p> + <p> + “An' what's it all about?” demanded Mr. Hennessy. “I can't make head nor + tail iv it at all, at all.” + </p> + <p> + “Well ye see 'tis this way,” said Mr. Dooley. “Ye see th' Boers is a + simple, pasthral people that goes about their business in their own way, + raisin' hell with ivrybody. They was bor-rn with an aversion to society + an' whin th' English come they lit out befure thim, not likin' their + looks. Th' English kept comin' an' the Boers kept movin' till they + cudden't move anny further without bumpin' into th' Soodanese ar-rmy an' + thin they settled down an' says they, 'This far shall we go,' says they, + bein' a rellijous people, 'an' divvle th' sthep further.' An' they killed + off th' irrelijous naygurs an' started in f'r to raise cattle. An' at + night they'd set outside iv their dorps, which, Hinnissy, is Dutch f'r + two-story brick house an' lot, an' sip their la-ager an' swap horses an' + match texts fr'm th' Bible f'r th' seegars, while th' childer played + marbles with dimons as big as th' end iv ye'er thumb. + </p> + <p> + “Well, th' English heerd they was goold be th' bucket in ivry cellar fr'm + Oopencoff to Doozledorf, which, Hinnissy, is like New York an' San + Francisco, bein' th' exthreme pints iv th' counthry, an' they come on in + gr-reat hordes, sturdy Anglo-Saxons fr'm Saxony, th' Einsteins an' + Heidlebacks an' Werners an' whin they took out goold enough so's they + needed raycreation they wanted to vote. 'An',' says Joe Chamberlain, he + says, 'Be hivins, they shall vote,' he says. 'Is it,' he says, 'possible + that at this stage iv th' world's progress' he says, 'an English gintleman + shud be denied,' he says, 'th' right to dhrop off a thrain annywhere in + th' civilized wurruld an' cast his impeeryal vote?' he says. 'Give thim + th' franchise,' he says, 'or be this an' be that!' he says, 'f'r we have + put our hand to th' plough, an' we will not turn back,' he says. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration} + </p> + <p> + “Kruger, that's th' main guy iv th' Dutch, a fine man, Hennissy, that + looks like Casey's goat an' has manny iv th' same peculyarities, he says, + 'All r-right,' he says, 'I'll give thim th' franchise,' he says. 'Whin?' + says Joe Chamberlain. 'In me will,' says Kruger. 'Whin I die,' he says, + 'an' I hope to live to be a hundherd if I keep on smokin' befure + breakfast,' he says, 'I'll bequeath to me frinds, th' English, or such iv + thim as was here befure I come, th' inalienable an' sacred right to demand + fr'm me succissor th' privilege iv ilictin' an aldherman,' he says. 'But,' + he says, 'in th' mane-time,' he says, 'we'll lave things the way they + are,' he says. 'I'm old,' he say, 'an' not good-lookin',' he says, 'an' me + clothes don't fit an' they may be marks iv food on me vest,' he says, 'but + I'm not more thin half crazy an' annytime ye find me givin' annywan a + chanst to vote me into a job dhrivin' a mule an' put in an English + prisidint iv this ray-public,' he says, 'ye may conclude that ye'er Uncle + Paul needs a guarjeen!' he says. + </p> + <p> + “'Far be it fr'm me to suggist anny but peaceful measures,' says Sir + Alfred Milner, that's th' lad they have down in Africa, th' Injun agent, + 'f'r th' English an' Dutch shud wurruk together like brothers f'r th' + removal iv th' naygur popylation,' he says, 'but,' he says, 'as a brother + I politely suggest to ye that if ye don't give us what we want we'll hand + ye a fraternal punch!' he says. 'F'r,' he says,' 'we have put our hand to + th' plough,' he says, 'an' we cannot turn back,' he says. + </p> + <p> + “'What Sir Alfred Milner says is thrue,' says Lord Lelborne, an' what th' + divvle he has to do about it I dinnaw. 'Th' situation is such,' he says, + 'as to be intol'rable to a silf-rayspictin' Englishman,' he says. 'What a + crime,' he says, 'that th' men who ar-re takin' most iv th' money out iv + th' counthry shud not be allowed to stick in anny iv th' votes,' he says. + 'We have, as Shakespeare says, put our hand to th' plough,' he says, 'an' + we cannot turn back,' he says. 'I agree corjally with th' noble lord on + th' r-red lounge abaft me,' says Lord Salisbury. 'With the echoes of me + own noble sintimints on th' peace proclamation iv me good frind, th' Czar + iv Rooshia, still ringin' in me ears,' he says, 'it wud ill become me to + speak iv foorce,' he says. 'I wud on'y say that if th' Transvaal raypublic + wud rather have a Dum-dum bullet in its tum-tum thin grant to Englishmen + th' r-right to run th' govermint, thin th' Transvaal rapublic'll have + both!' he says. 'I will add,' he says, 'that we have put our hand to th' + plough an' we will not turn back,' he says. + </p> + <p> + “Well, sir, 'twas up to Kruger an' he knocked th' ashes out iv his pipe on + his vest an' says he, 'Gintlemen,' he says, 'I wud like to do me best to + accomydate ye,' he says. 'Nawthin' short iv a severe attack iv sickness + wud plaze me so much as to see long lines iv Englishmen marchin' up to th' + polls an' depositin' their ballots again' me f'r prisidint,' he says. + 'But,' he says, 'I'm an old man!' he says. 'I was ilicted young an' I + niver done annything since,' he says. 'I wudden't know what to do without + it,' he says. 'What ye propose is to make an ex-prisidint iv me. D'ye + think I cud stand that? D'ye think at my age I wud be contint to dash fr'm + wan justice coort to another pleadin' f'r habyas-corpus writs or test me + principles iv personal expansion in a Noo Jarsey village?' he says. 'I'd + rather be a dead prisidint thin a live ex-prisidint. If I have anny + pollytical ambition I'd rather be a Grant or a Garfield thin a Cleveland + or a Harrison,' he says. 'I may've read it in th' Bible, though I think I + saw it in a scand'lous book me frind Rhodes left in his bedroom las' time + he called on me, that ye shud niver discard an ace to dhraw to a flush,' + he says. 'I deplore th' language but th' sintimint is sound,' he says. + 'An' I believe ye'er intintions to presarve peace ar-re honest, but I + don't like to see ye pullin' off ye'er coat an' here goes f'r throuble + while ye have ye'er arms in th' sleeves,' he says. 'F'r,' he says, 'ye + have put ye'er hand in th' reaper an' it cannot turn back,' he says. + </p> + <p> + “An' there they go, Hinnissy. I'm not again England in this thing, + Hinnissy, an' I'm not again th' Boers. Like Mack I'm divided on a matther + iv principle between a desire to cemint th' 'lieance an' an affiction f'r + th' Dutch vote. But if Kruger had spint his life in a rale raypublic where + they burn gas he cud've settled th' business without losin' sleep. If I + was Kruger there'd've been no war.” + </p> + <p> + “What wud ye have done?” Mr. Hennessy asked. + </p> + <p> + “I'd give thim th' votes,” said Mr. Dooley. “But,” he added significantly, + “I'd do th' countin'.” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0006" id="link2H_4_0006"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + WAR AND WAR MAKERS + </h2> + <p> + “I tell ye, Hinnissy,” said Mr. Dooley, “Ye can't do th' English-speakin' + people. Oursilves an' th' hands acrost th' sea ar-re rapidly teachin' th' + benighted Lutheryan an' other haythin that as a race we're onvincible an' + oncatcheable. Th' Anglo-Saxon race meetin's now going on in th' + Ph'lippeens an' South Africa ought to convince annywan that give us a fair + start an' we can bate th' wurruld to a tillygraft office. + </p> + <p> + “Th' war our cousins be Sir Thomas Lipton is prosecutin', as Hogan says, + again th' foul but accrate Boers is doin' more thin that. It's givin' us a + common war lithrachoor. I wudden't believe at first whin I r-read th' + dispatches in th' pa-apers that me frind Gin'ral Otis wasn't in South + Africa. It was on'y whin I see another chapter iv his justly cillybrated + seeryal story, intitled 'Th' Capture iv Porac' that I knew he had an + imitator in th' mother counthry. An' be hivins, I like th' English la-ad's + style almost as well as our own gr-reat artist's. Mebbe'tis, as th' + pa-apers say, that Otis has writ himsilf out. Annyhow th' las' chapter + isn't thrillin'. He says: 'To-day th' ar-rmy undher my command fell upon + th' inimy with gr-reat slaughter an' seized th' important town of Porac + which I have mintioned befure, but,' he says, 'we ar-re fortunately now + safe in Manila.' Ye see he doesn't keep up th' intherest to th' end. Th' + English pote does betther.” + </p> + <p> + “'Las' night at eight o'clock,' he says, 'we found our slendher but + inthrepid ar-rmy surrounded be wan hundhred thousan' Boers,' he says. 'We + attackted thim with gr-reat fury,' he says, 'pursuin' thim up th' almost + inaccessible mountain side an' capturin' eight guns which we didn't want + so we give thim back to thim with siveral iv our own,' he says. 'Th' Irish + rig'mints,' he says, 'th' Kerry Rifles, th' Land Leaguers' Own, an' th' + Dublin Pets, commanded be th' Pop'lar Irish sojer Gin'ral Sir Ponsonby + Tompkins wint into battle singin' their well-known naytional anthem: “Mrs. + Innery Awkins is a fust-class name!” Th' Boers retreated,' he says, + 'pursued be th' Davitt Terrors who cut their way through th' fugitives + with awful slaughter,' he says. 'They have now,' he says, 'pinethrated as + far us Pretoria,' he says, 'th' officers arrivin' in first-class carredges + an' th' men in thrucks,' he says, 'an' ar-re camped in th' bettin' shed + where they ar-re afforded ivry attintion be th' vanquished inimy,' he + says. 'As f'r us,' he says, 'we decided afther th' victhry to light out + f'r Ladysmith.' he says, 'Th' inimy had similar intintions,' he says, 'but + their skill has been vastly overrated,' he says. 'We bate thim,' he says + 'we bate thim be thirty miles,' he says. That's where we're sthrong, + Hinnissy. We may get licked on th' battle field, we may be climbin' threes + in th' Ph'lippeens with arrows stickin' in us like quills, as Hogan says, + into th' fretful porcupine or we may be doin' a mile in five minyits flat + down th' pike that leads to Cape Town pursued be th' less fleet but more + ignorant Boers peltin' us with guns full iv goold an' bibles, but in th' + pages iv histhry that our childhren read we niver turned back on e'er an + inimy. We make our own gloryous pages on th' battlefield, in th' camp an' + in th' cab'net meetin'.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, 't is all r-right f'r ye to be jokin',” said Mr. Hennessy, “but + there's manny a brave fellow down there that it's no joke to.” + </p> + <p> + “Thrue f'r ye,” said Mr. Dooley, “an' that's why I wisht it cud be fixed + up so's th' men that starts th' wars could do th' fightin'. Th' throuble + is that all th' prelimin'ries is arranged be matchmakers an' all they'se + left f'r fighters is to do th' murdherin'. A man's got a good job at home + an' he wants to make it sthronger. How can he do it? Be throwin' out some + one that's got an akelly good job down th' sthreet. Now he don't go over + as I wud an' say, 'Here Schwartzmeister (or Kruger as th' case may be) I + don't like ye'er appearance, ye made a monkey iv me in argymint befure th' + neighborhood an' if ye continyue in business ye'll hurt me thrade, so here + goes to move ye into th' sthreet!' Not that la-ad. He gets a crowd around + him an' says he: 'Kruger (or Schwartzmeister as th' case may be) is no + good. To begin with he's a Dutchman. If that ain't enough he's a cantin', + hymn singin' murdhrous wretch that wuddent lave wan iv our counthrymen ate + a square meal if he had his way. I'll give ye all two dollars a week if + ye'll go over an' desthroy him.' An' th' other la-ad, what does he do? He + calls in th' neighbors an' says he: 'Dooley is sindin' down a gang iv + savages to murdher me. Do ye lave ye'er wurruk an' ye'er families an' + rally ar-round me an' where ye see me plug hat wave do ye go in th' other + direction,' he says, 'an' slay th' brutal inimy,' he says. An' off goes + th' sojers an' they meet a lot iv la-ads that looks like thimsilves an' + makes sounds that's more or less human an' ates out iv plates an' they + swap smokin' tobacco an' sings songs together an' th' next day they're up + early jabbing holes in each other with baynits. An' whin its all over + they'se me an' Chamberlain at home victoryous an' Kruger an' + Schwartzmeister at home akelly victoryous. An' they make me prime minister + or aldherman but whin I want a man to put in me coal I don't take wan with + a wooden leg. + </p> + <p> + “I'll niver go down again to see sojers off to th' war. But ye'll see me + at th' depot with a brass band whin th' men that causes wars starts f'r + th' scene iv carnage. Whin Congress goes forth to th' sun-kissed an' rain + jooled isles iv th' Passyfic no more heartier cheer will be beard thin th' + wan or two that rises fr'm th' bosom iv Martin Dooley. Says I, give thim + th' chanst to make histhry an' lave th' young men come home an' make car + wheels. If Chamberlain likes war so much 'tis him that ought to be down + there in South Africa peltin' over th' road with ol' Kruger chasin' him + with a hoe. Th' man that likes fightin' ought to be willin' to turn in an' + spell his fellow-counthrymen himsilf. An' I'd even go this far an' say + that if Mack wants to subjoo th' dam Ph'lippeens——” + </p> + <p> + “Ye're a thraitor,” said Mr. Hennessy. + </p> + <p> + “I know it,” said Mr. Dooley, complacently. + </p> + <p> + “Ye're an anti-expansionist.” + </p> + <p> + “If ye say that again,” cried Mr. Dooley, angrily, “I'll smash in ye'er + head.” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0007" id="link2H_4_0007"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + UNDERESTIMATING THE ENEMY + </h2> + <p> + “What d'ye think iv th' war?” Mr. Hennessy asked. + </p> + <p> + “I think I want to go out an' apologize to Shafter,” said Mr. Dooley. + </p> + <p> + “I'm like ivrybody else, be hivins, I thought war was like shootin' glass + balls. I niver thought iv th' glass balls thrainin' a dinnymite gun on me. + 'Tis a thrait iv us Anglo-Saxons that we look on an inimy as a target. If + ye hit him ye get three good see-gars. We're like people that dhreams iv + fights. In me dhreams I niver lost wan fight. A man I niver saw befure + comes up an' says something mane to me, that I can't raymimber, an' I + climb into him an' 'tis all over in a minyit. He niver hits me, or if he + does I don't feel it. I put him on his back an' bate him to death. An' + thin I help mesilf to his watch an' chain an' me frinds come down an' say, + 'Martin, ye haven't a scratch,' an' con-grathlate me, an' I wandher + ar-roun' th' sthreets with a chip on me shoulder till I look down an' see + that I haven't a stitch on me but a short shirt. An' thin I wake up. Th' + list iv knock-outs to me credit in dhreams wud make Fitzsimmons feel poor. + But ne'er a wan iv thim was printed in th' pa-apers.” + </p> + <p> + “'Tis so with me frinds, th' hands acrost th' sea. They wint to sleep an' + had a dhream. An' says they: 'We will sind down to South Africa thim + gallant throops that have won so manny hard-fought reviews,' they says, + 'captained,' they says, 'be th' flower iv our aristocracy,' they says. + 'An' whin th' Boers come out ar-rmed with rollin' pins an' bibles,' they + says, 'We'll just go at thim,' they says, 'an' walk through thim an' that + night we'll have a cotillyon at Pretoria to which all frinds is invited,' + they says. An' so they deposit their intellects in th' bank at home, an' + th' absent-minded beggars goes out in thransports iv pathreetism an' + pothry. An' they'se a meetin' iv th' cabinet an' 'tis decided that as th' + war will on'y las' wan week 'twill be well f'r to begin renamin' th' + cities iv th' Thransvaal afther pop'lar English statesmen—Joechamberlainville + an' Rhodesdorp an' Beitfontein. F'r they have put their hands to th' + plough an' th' sponge is squeezed dhry, an' th' sands iv th' glass have + r-run out an' th' account is wiped clean.” + </p> + <p> + “An' what's th' Boer doin' all this time? What's me frind th' Boer doin'. + Not sleepin', Hinnissy, mind ye. He hasn't anny dhreams iv conquest. But + whin a man with long whiskers comes r-ridin' up th' r-road an' says: 'Jan + Schmidt or Pat O'Toole or whativer his name is, ye're wanted at th' + front,' he goes home an' takes a rifle fr'm th' wall an' kisses his wife + an' childher good-bye an' puts a bible in th' tails iv his coat an' a + stovepipe hat on his head an' thramps away. An' his wife says: 'Good-bye, + Jan. Don't be long gone an' don't get shooted.' An' he says: 'Not while + I've got a leg undher me an' a rock in front iv me,' he says. I tell ye, + Hinnissy, ye can't beat a man that fights f'r his home an' counthry in a + stovepipe hat. He might be timpted f'r to come out fr'm cover f'r his + native land, but he knows if he goes home to his wife with his hat mussed + she won't like it, an' so he sets behind a rock an' plugs away. If th' lid + is knocked off he's fatally wounded.” + </p> + <p> + “What's th' raysult, Hinnissy? Th' British marches up with their bands + playin' an' their flags flyin'. An' th' Boers squat behind a bouldher or a + three or set comfortable in th' bed iv a river an' bang away. Their on'y + thradition is that it's betther to be a live Boer thin a dead hero, which + comes, perhaps, to th' same thing. They haven't been taught f'r hundherds + iv years that 'tis a miracle f'r to be an officer an' a disgrace to be a + private sojer. They know that if they're kilt they'll have their names + printed in th' pa-apers as well as th' Markess iv Doozleberry that's had + his eyeglass shot out. But they ain't lookin' f'r notoriety. All they want + is to get home safe, with their counthry free, their honor protected an' + their hats in good ordher. An' so they hammer away an' th' inimy keeps + comin', an' th' varyous editions iv th' London pa-apers printed in this + counthry have standin' a line iv type beginnin', 'I regret to state.'” + </p> + <p> + “All this, Hinnissy, comes fr'm dhreamin' dhreams. If th' British had + said, 'This unclean an' raypeecious people that we're against is also very + tough. Dirty though they be, they'll fight. Foul though their nature is, + they have ca'tridges in their belts. This not bein' England an' th' inimy + we have again us not bein' our frinds, we will f'rget th' gloryous + thraditions iv th' English an' Soudan ar-rmies an' instead iv r-rushin' on + thim sneak along yon kindly fence an' hit thim on th' back iv th' neck,'—they'd + be less, 'I r-regret-to-states' and more 'I'm plazed-to-reports.' They wud + so, an' I'm a man that's been through columns an' columns iv war. Ye'll + find, Hinnissy, that 'tis on'y ar-rmies fights in th' open. Nations fights + behind threes an' rocks. Ye can put that in ye're little book. 'Tis a + sayin' I made as I wint along.” + </p> + <p> + “We done th' same way oursilves,” said Mr. Hennessy. + </p> + <p> + “We did that,” said Mr. Dooley. “We were in a dhream, too. Th' on'y thing + is th' other fellow was in a thrance. We woke up first. An' anny-how I'm + goin' to apologize to Shafter. He may not have anny medals f'r standin' up + in range iv th' guns but, be hivins, he niver dhrove his buckboard into a + river occypied be th' formerly loathed Castile.” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0008" id="link2H_4_0008"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE WAR EXPERT + </h2> + <p> + Mr. Dooley was reading the war news—not our war news but the war + news we are interested in—when Mr. Hennessy interrupted him to ask + “What's a war expert?” + </p> + <p> + “A war expert,” said Mr. Dooley, “is a man ye niver heerd iv befure. If ye + can think iv annywan whose face is onfamilyar to ye an' ye don't raymimber + his name, an' he's got a job on a pa-aper ye didn't know was published, + he's a war expert. 'Tis a har-rd office to fill. Whin a war begins th' + timptation is sthrong f'r ivry man to grab hold iv a gun an go to th' + fr-ront. But th' war expert has to subjoo his cravin' f'r blood. He says + to himsilf 'Lave others seek th' luxuries iv life in camp,' he says. 'F'r + thim th' boat races acrost th' Tugela, th' romp over the kopje, an' th' + game iv laager, laager who's got th' laager?' he says. 'I will stand be me + counthry,' he says, 'close,' he says. 'If it falls,' he says, 'it will + fall on me,' he says. An' he buys himsilf a map made be a fortune teller + in a dhream, a box iv pencils an' a field glass, an' goes an' looks f'r a + job as a war expert. Says th' editor iv th' pa-aper: 'I don't know ye. Ye + must be a war expert,' he says. 'I am,' says th' la-ad. 'Was ye iver in a + war?' says th' editor. 'I've been in nawthin' else,' says th' la-ad. + 'Durin' th' Spanish-American War, I held a good job as a dhramatic critic + in Dedham, Matsachoosets,' he says. 'Whin th' bullets flew thickest in th' + Soodan I was spoortin' editor iv th' Christyan Advocate,' he says. 'I + passed through th' Franco-Prooshan War an' held me place, an' whin th' + Turks an' Rooshans was at each other's throats, I used to lay out th' + campaign ivry day on a checker board,' he says. 'War,' he says, has no + turrors f'r me,' he says. 'Ye're th man f'r th' money,' says th' editor. + An' he gets th' job.” + </p> + <p> + “Thin th' war breaks out in earnest. No matther how manny is kilt, + annything that happens befure th' war expert gets to wurruk is on'y what + we might call a prelimin'ry skirmish. He sets down an' bites th' end iv + his pencil an' looks acrost th' sthreet an' watches a man paintin' a sign. + Whin th' man gets through he goes to th' window an' waits to see whether + th' polisman that wint into th' saloon is afther a dhrink or sarvin' a + warrant. If he comes r-right out 'tis a warrant. Thin he sets back in a + chair an' figures out that th' pitchers on th' wall pa-aper ar-re all + alike ivry third row. Whin his mind is thurly tuned up be these inthricate + problems, he dashes to his desk an' writes what you an' I read th' nex' + day in th' pa-apers.” + </p> + <p> + “Clarence Pontoon, th' military expert iv th' London Mornin' Dhram, + reviewin' Gin'ral Buller's position on th' Tugela, says: 'It is manifest + fr'm th' dispatches tellin' that Gin'ral Buller has crost th' Tugela River + that Gin'ral Buller has crost th' Tugela River. This we r-read in spite iv + th' cinsor. Th' question is which side he has crost to. On Friday he was + on th' north side in th' mornin' an' on th' south side at night, an' in + th' river at noon. We heerd nawthin' Sathurdah mornin'. Th' presumption is + that they was nawthin' to hear. Therefore it is aisy to imagine Gin'ral + Buller, findin' his position on th' north side ontenable an' his position + on th' south side onbearable, is thransportin' his troops up th' river on + rafts an' is now engagin' th' inimy between Spitzozone an' Rottenfontein, + two imminsely sthrong points. All this dimonsthrates th' footility an' + foolishness iv attimptin' to carry a frontal position agains' large, + well-fed Dutchmen with mud in th' fr-ront iv thim.” + </p> + <p> + “'I cal'clate that it wud require thirty millyon thurly dauntless Britions + to ixicute such a manoover, tin Boers ar-rmed with pop bottles bein' now + considhered th' akel iv a brigade. What I wud do if I was Buller, an' I + thank Hivin I'm not, wud be move me ar-rmy in half-an-hour over th' high + but aisily accessible mountains to th' right iv Crowrijoy's forces, an' + takin' off me shoes so he cudden't hear thim squeak, creep up behind th' + Dutch an' lam their heads off. Afther this sthroke 'twud be aisy f'r to + get th' foorces iv Fr-rinch, Gatacre, Methoon, an' Winston Churchill + together some afthernoon, invite th' inimy to a band concert, surround an' + massacree thim. This adroit move cud be ixicuted if Roberts wud on'y make + use iv th' ixicillint bus sarvice between Hokesmith an' Mikesmith. It is + exthraordinary that th' gin'ral on th' groun' has not seen th' + possibilities so apparent at a distance.'” + </p> + <p> + “That's wan kind iv war expert, Hinnissy. Another kind is th' wan that + gives it good to th' gover'mint. Says Willum McGlue, war expert iv th' + London Mornin' Growl, who's supposed to be cheek be jowl with Lord + Wolseley. 'England's greatness is slippin' away. Th' failure iv th' + gover'mint to provide a well-equipped, thurly pathriotic ar-rmy iv Boers + to carry on this war undher th' leadership iv gallant Joobert is goin' to + be our roonation. We ar-re bethrayed be a lazy, effete, side-whiskered, + golf-playin' gover'mint that wud rather lose this fight thin win it + because they ar-re tired iv holdin' office. What can be said f'r public + men so lost to shame that they spell Kopje with a “c” an' ar-re sindin' + Englishmen to th' ends iv th' wurruld to fight f'r England? Down with + thim!'” + </p> + <p> + “Well sir, 'tis a gr-reat thing f'r a counthry to have th' likes iv thim + ar-round to direct manoovers that'd be gatherin' dust on th' shelf if th' + gin'rals had their say, an' to prove to th' wurruld that th' English ar-re + not frivolous, excitable people like us an' th' Frinch, but can take a + batin' without losin' their heads.” + </p> + <p> + “Sure,” said Mr. Hennessy, “tis not thim that does th' fightin'. Th' + la-ads with th' guns has that job.” + </p> + <p> + “Well,” said Mr. Dooley, “they'se two kinds iv fightin'. Th' experts wants + th' ar-rmy to get into Pretoria dead or alive, an' th' sojers wants to get + in alive. I'm no military expert, Hinnissy. I'm too well known. But I have + me own opinyon on th' war. All this talk about th' rapid fire gun an' + modhren methods iv warfare makes me wondher. They'se not so much + diff'rence between war now an' war whin I was a kid, as they let on. Th' + gun that shoots ye best fr'm a distance don't shoot ye so well close to. A + pile iv mud is a pile iv mud now just th' same as it was whin Gin'ral + Grant was pokin' ar-round. If th' British can get over th' mud pile they + win th' fight. If they can't they're done. That's all they'se to it. Mos' + men, sthrongest backs, best eyes an' th' ownership iv th' mud piles. + That's war, Hinnissy. Th' British have th' men. They're shy iv backs, eyes + an' mud piles, an' they will be until they larn that sheep-herdin' an' + gin'ralship ar-re diff'rent things, an' fill up their ar-rmy with men that + ar-re not fightin' f'r money or glory, but because they want to get home + to their wives alive.” + </p> + <p> + “Ye talk like an' ol book,” said Mr. Hennessy, in disgust. “Ye with ye-re + maundhrin' ar-re no betther thin thim expert la-ads.” + </p> + <p> + “Well annyhow,” said Mr. Dooley thoughtfully, “th' expert is sarvin' a + useful purpose. Th' papers says th' rapid fire gun'll make war in th' + future impossible. I don't think that, but I know th' expert will.” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0009" id="link2H_4_0009"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + MODERN EXPLOSIVES + </h2> + <p> + “If iver I wanted to go to war,” said Mr. Dooley, “an' I niver did, th' + desire has passed fr'm me iv late. Ivry time I read iv th' desthructive + power iv modhern explosives col' chills chase each other up an' down me + spine.” + </p> + <p> + “What's this here stuff they calls lyddite?” Mr. Hennessy asked. + </p> + <p> + “Well, 'tis th' divvle's own med'cine,” said Mr. Dooley. “Compared with + lyddite joynt powdher is Mrs. Winslow's soothin' surup, an' ye cud lave + th' childher play base-ball with a can iv dinnymite. 'Tis as sthrong as + Gin'ral Crownjoy's camp th' day iv th' surrinder an' almost as sthrong as + th' pollytics iv Montana. Th' men that handles it is cased in six inch + armor an' played on be a hose iv ice wather. Th' gun that shoots it is + always blown up be th' discharge. Whin this deadly missile flies through + th' air, th' threes ar-re withered an' th' little bur-rds falls dead fr'm + th' sky, fishes is kilt in th' rivers, an' th' tillyphone wires won't + wurruk. Th' keen eyed British gunners an' corryspondints watches it in its + hellish course an' tur-rn their faces as it falls into th' Boer trench. + An' oh! th' sickly green fumes it gives off, jus' like pizen f'r potato + bugs! There is a thremenjous explosion. Th' earth is thrown up f'r miles. + Horses, men an' gun carredges ar-re landed in th' British camp whole. Th' + sun is obscured be Boer whiskers turned green. Th' heart iv th' + corryspondint is made sick be th' sight, an' be th' thought iv th' fearful + carnage wrought be this dhread desthroyer in th' ranks iv th' brave but + misguided Dutchmen. Th' nex' day deserters fr'm th' Boer ranks reports + that they have fled fr'm th' camp, needin' a dhrink an' onable to stand + th' scenes iv horror. They announce that th' whole Boer ar-rmy is as green + as wall paper, an' th' Irish brigade has sthruck because ye can't tell + their flag fr'm th' flag iv th' r-rest iv th' Dutch. Th' Fr-rinch gin'ral + in command iv th' Swedish corps lost his complexion an' has been sint to + th' hospital, an' Mrs. Gin'ral Crownjoy's washin' that was hangin' on th' + line whin th' bombardmint comminced is a total wreck which no amount iv + bluin' will save. Th' deserters also report that manny iv th' Boers ar-re + outspannin', trekkin', loogerin', kopjein' an' veldtin' home to be dyed, + f'r'tis not known whether lyddite is a fast color or will come out in th' + wash.” + </p> + <p> + “In spite iv their heavy losses th' Boers kept up a fierce fire. They had + no lyddite, but with their other divvlish modhern explosives they wrought + thremenjous damage. F'r some hours shells burst with turr'ble precision in + th' British camp. Wan man who was good at figures counted as manny as + forty-two thousan' eight hundhred an' sivin burstin' within a radyus iv + wan fut. Ye can imagine th' hor-rible carnage. Colonel C. G. F. K. L. M. + N. O. P. Hetherington-Casey-Higgins lost his eye-glass tin times, th' las' + time almost swallowin' it, while ye'er faithful corryspondint was rindered + deaf be th' explosions. Another Irish rig'mint has disappearded, th' + Twelve Thousandth an' Eighth, Dublin Fusiliers. Brave fellows, 'tis + suspicted they mistook th' explosion of lyddite f'r a Pathrick's Day + procession an' wint acrost to take a look at it.” + </p> + <p> + “Murdher, but 'tis dhreadful to r-read about. We have to change all our + conciptions iv warfare. Wanst th' field was r-red, now 'tis a br-right + lyddite green. Wanst a man wint out an' died f'r his counthry, now they + sind him out an' lyddite dyes him. What do I mane? 'Tis a joke I made. + I'll not explane it to ye. Ye wudden't undherstand it. 'Tis f'r th' + eddycated classes.” + </p> + <p> + “How they're iver goin' to get men to fight afther this I cudden't tell + ye. 'Twas bad enough in th' ol' days whin all that happened to a sojer was + bein' pinithrated be a large r-round gob iv solder or stuck up on th' end + iv a baynit be a careless inimy. But now-a-days, they have th' bullet that + whin it enthers ye tur-rns ar-round like th' screw iv a propeller, an' + another wan that ye might say goes in be a key-hole an' comes out through + a window, an' another that has a time fuse in it an' it doesn't come out + at all but stays in ye, an' mebbe twinty years afther, whin ye've f'rgot + all about it an' ar-re settin' at home with ye'er fam'ly, bang! away it + goes an' ye with it, carryin' off half iv th' roof. Thin they have guns as + long as fr'm here to th' rollin' mills that fires shells as big as a + thrunk. Th' shells are loaded like a docthor's bag an' have all kinds iv + things in thim that won't do a bit iv good to man or beast. If a sojer has + a weak back there's something in th' shell that removes a weak back; if + his head throubles him, he can lose it; if th' odher iv vilets is + distasteful to him th' shell smothers him in vilet powdher. They have guns + that anny boy or girl who knows th' typewriter can wurruk, an' they have + other guns on th' music box plan, that ye wind up an' go away an' lave, + an' they annoy anny wan that comes along. They have guns that bounces up + out iv a hole in th' groun', fires a millyon shells a minyit an' dhrops + back f'r another load. They have guns that fire dinnymite an' guns that + fire th' hateful, sickly green lyddite that makes th' inimy look like fiat + money, an' guns that fire canned beef f'r th' inimy an' distimper powdher + for th' inimy's horses. An' they have some guns that shoot straight.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, thin,” Mr. Hennessy grumbled, “it's a wondher to me that with all + thim things they ain't more people kilt. Sure, Gin'ral Grant lost more men + in wan day thin th' British have lost in four months, an' all he had to + keep tab on was ol' fashioned bullets an' big, bouncin' iron balls.” + </p> + <p> + “Thrue,” said Mr. Dooley. “I don't know th' reason, but it mus' be that + th' betther gun a man has th' more he thrusts th' gun an' th' less he + thrusts himsilf. He stays away an' shoots. He says to himsilf, he says: + 'They'se nawthin' f'r me to do,' he says, 'but load up me little lyddite + cannon with th' green goods,' he says, 'an' set here at the organ,' he + says, 'pull out th' stops an' paint th' town iv Pretoria green,' he says. + 'But,' he says, 'on sicond thought, suppose th' inimy shud hand it back to + me,' he says. 'Twud be oncomfortable,' he says. 'So,' he says, 'I'll jus' + move me music back a mile,' he says, 'an' peg away, an' th' longest gun + takes th' persimmons,' he says. 'Tis this way: If ye an' I fall out an' + take rifles to each other, 'tis tin to wan nayether iv us gets clost + enough to hit. If we take pistols th' odds is rayjooced. If we take swords + I may get a hack at ye, but if we take a half-nelson lock 'tis even money + I have ye'er back broke befure th' polis comes.” + </p> + <p> + “I can see in me mind th' day whin explosives'll be so explosive an' + guns'll shoot so far that on'y th' folks that stay at home'll be kilt, an' + life insurance agents'll be advisin' people to go into th' ar-rmy. I can + so. 'Tis thrue what Hogan says about it.” + </p> + <p> + “What's that?” Mr. Hennessy asked. + </p> + <p> + “Th' nation,” said Mr. Dooley, “that fights with a couplin' pin extinds + its bordhers at th' cost iv th' nation that fights with a clothes pole.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, sir,” said Mr. Dooley, “tis a fine rayciption th' Boer dillygates + is havin' in this counthry.” + </p> + <p> + “They'll be out here nex' week,” said Mr. Hennessy. + </p> + <p> + “They will that,” Mr. Dooley replied, “an' we'll show thim that our + inthrest in small raypublics fightin' f'r their liberty ain't disappeared + since we become an impeeryal nation. No, sir. We have as much inthrest as + iver, but we have more inthrests elsewhere.” + </p> + <p> + “Oom Paul, he says to th' la-ads: 'Go,' he says, 'to me good an' great + frind, Mack th' Wanst, an' lay th' case befure him,' he says. 'Tell him,' + he says, 'that th' situation is just th' same as it was durin' Wash'nton's + time,' he says, 'on'y Wash'nton won, an' we're rapidly losin' kopjes till + we soon won't have wan to sthrike a match on,' he says. An' off goes th' + good men. Whin they started the Boers was doin' pretty well, Hinnissy. + They were fightin' Englishmen, an' that's a lawn tinnis to a rale fightin' + man. But afther awhile the murdherin' English gover'mint put in a few + recreent but gallant la-ads fr'm th' ol' dart—we ought to be proud + iv thim, curse thim—Pat O'Roberts, an' Mike McKitchener, an' + Terrence O'Fr-rinch—an' they give th' view—halloo an' wint + through th' Dutch like a party comin' home fr'm a fifteenth iv August + picnic might go through a singerbund. So be th' time th' dillygates got to + Europe it was: 'James, if thim br-rave but misguided Dutch appears, squirt + th' garden hose on thim. I'll see th' British embassadure this + afthernoon.' Ye see, Hinnissy, 'twas ol' Kruger's play to keep on winnin' + battles till th' dillygates had their say. Th' amount iv sympathy that + goes out f'r a sthrugglin' people is reg'lated, Hinnissy, be th' amount iv + sthrugglin' th' people can do. Th' wurruld, me la-ad, is with th' undher + dog on'y as long as he has a good hold an' a chanst to tur-rn over.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, sir, whin th' dillygates see they cudden't do business in Europe, + says they to thimsilves: 'We'll pike acrost th' ragin' sea,' they says, + 'an in th' home iv Wash'nton, Lincoln, an' Willum J. Bryan, ye bet we'll + have a hearin',' an' they got wan. Ivrybody's listenin' to thim. But no + wan replies. If they'd come here three months ago, befure Crownjoy was + suffocated out iv his hole in th' groun', they'd be smokin' their pipes in + rockin' chairs on th' veranda iv th' white house an' passin' th' bucket + between thim an' Mack. But 'tis diff'rent now. 'Tis diff'rent now. Says + Willum J. Bryan: 'I can't see thim mesilf, f'r it may not be long befure + I'll have to dale with these inthricate problems, I hope an' pray, but + Congressman Squirtwather, do ye disguise ye'ersilf as a private citizen + an' go down to th' hotel an' tell these la-ads that I'm with thim quietly + if public opinyon justifies it an' Mack takes th' other side. Tell thim I + frequently say to mesilf that they're all r-right, but I wudden't want it + to go further. Perhaps they cud be injooced to speak at a dimmycratic + meetin' unbeknown to me,' he says. + </p> + <p> + “Sicrety Hay meets thim in a coal cellar, wearin' a mask. 'Gintlemen,' + says he, 'I can assure ye th' prisidint an' mesilf feels mos' deeply f'r + ye. I needn't tell ye about mesilf,' he says. 'Haven't I sint me own son + into ye'er accursed but liberty-lovin' counthry,' he says. 'As f'r Mack, I + assure ye he's hear-rtbroken over th' tur-rn affairs have taken,' he says. + 'Early in th' war he wrote to Lord Salisberry, sayin' he hoped 'twud not + be continyued to iliction day, an' Salisberry give him a gruff response. + Tur-rned him down, though both ar-re Anglo-Saxons,' he says. 'Las' night + his sobs fairly shook th' white house as he thought iv ye an' ye'er + sthruggle. He wants to tell ye how much he thinks iv ye, an' he'll meet ye + in th' carredge house if ye'll shave off ye'er whiskers an' go as + clam-peddlers. Ye'll reco'nize him in a green livery. He'll wear a pink + carnation in his buttonhole. Give th' names iv Dorsey an' Flannagan, an' + if th' English ambassadure goes by get down on ye'er ban's an' knees an' + don't make a sign till he's out iv sight,' he says. 'Th' stout party in + blue near by'll be Mark Hanna. He may be able to arrange a raypublican + meetin' f'r ye to addhress,' he says. 'The gr-reat hear-rt iv th' + raypublican party throbs f'r ye. So does Mack's,' he says. 'So does mine,' + he says.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, th' dillygates met Mack an' they had a pleasant chat. 'Will ye,' + says they, 'inthervene an' whistle off th' dogs iv war?' they says. + 'Whisper,' says Mack, th' tears flowin' down his cheeks. 'Iver since this + war started me eyes have been fixed on th' gallant or otherwise, nation or + depindancy, fightin' its brave battle f'r freedom or rebellin' again' th' + sov'reign power, as the case may be,' he says. 'Unofficially, my sympathy + has gone out to ye, an' bur-rnin' wurruds iv unofficial cheer has been + communicated unofficially be me to me official fam'ly, not, mind ye, as an + official iv this magnificent an' liberty-lovin' raypublic, but as a + private citizen,' he says. 'I feel, as a private citizen, that so long,' + he says, 'as the br-right star iv liberty shines resplindent over our + common counthries, with th' example iv Washin'ton in ye'er eyes, an' th' + iliction comin' on, that ye must go forward an' conker or die,' he says. + 'An',' he says, 'Willum McKinley is not th' man to put annything in ye'er + way,' he says. 'Go back to me gr-reat an' good frind an' tell him that th' + hear-rt iv th' raypublican party throbs f'r him,' he says. 'An' Sicrety + Hay's,' he says, 'an' mine,' he says, 'unofficially,' he says. 'Me + official hear-rt,' he says, 'is not permitted be th' constitootion to + throb durin' wurrukin' hours,' he says. + </p> + <p> + “An' so it goes. Ivrywhere th' dillygates tur-rns they see th' sign: 'This + is me busy day.' An' whin they get back home they can tell th' people they + found th' United States exudin' sympathy at ivry pore—'marked + private.'” + </p> + <p> + “Don't ye think th' United States is enthusyastic f'r th' Boers?” asked + the innocent Hennessy. + </p> + <p> + “It was,” said Mr. Dooley. “But in th' las' few weeks it's had so manny + things to think iv. Th' enthusyasm iv this counthry, Hinnissy, always + makes me think iv a bonfire on an ice-floe. It burns bright so long as ye + feed it, an' it looks good, but it don't take hold, somehow, on th' ice.” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0010" id="link2H_4_0010"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE CHINESE SITUATION + </h2> + <p> + “Well, sir,” said Mr. Hennessy, “to think iv th' audacity iv thim + Chinymen! It do bate all.” + </p> + <p> + “It do that,” said Mr. Dooley. “It bates th' wurruld. An' what's it comin' + to? You an' me looks at a Chinyman as though he wasn't good f'r annything + but washin' shirts, an' not very good at that. Tis wan iv th' spoorts iv + th' youth iv our gr-reat cities to rowl an impty beer keg down th' steps + iv a Chinee laundhry, an' if e'er a Chinyman come out to resint it they'd + take him be th' pigtail an' do th' joynt swing with him. But th' Chinyman + at home's a diff'rent la-ad. He's with his frinds an' they're manny iv + thim an' he's rowlin' th' beer kegs himsilf an' Westhren Civilization is + down in th' laundhry wondhrin' whin th' police'll come along.” + </p> + <p> + “Th' Lord f'rgive f'r sayin' it, Hinnissy, but if I was a Chinyman, which + I will fight anny man f'r sayin,' an' was livin' at home, I'd tuck me + shirt into me pants, put me braid up in a net, an' go out an' take a fall + out iv th' in-vader if it cost me me life. Here am I, Hop Lung Dooley, + r-runnin' me little liquor store an' p'rhaps raisin' a family in th' town + iv Koochoo. I don't like foreigners there anny more thin I do here. Along + comes a bald-headed man with chin whiskers from Baraboo, Wisconsin, an' + says he: 'Benighted an' haythen Dooley,' says he, 'ye have no God,' he + says. 'I have,' says I. 'I have a lot iv thim,' says I. 'Ye ar-re an + oncultivated an' foul crather,' he says. 'I have come six thousan' miles + f'r to hist ye fr'm th' mire iv ignorance an' irrellijon in which ye live + to th' lofty plane iv Baraboo,' he says. An' he sets down on an aisy + chair, an' his wife an' her friends come in an' they inthrojooce Mrs. + Dooley to th' modhren improvements iv th' corset an' th' hat with th' blue + bur-rd onto it, an' put shame into her because she hasn't let her feet + grow, while th' head mission'ry reads me a pome out iv th' <i>Northwesthren + Christyan Advocate</i>. 'Well,' says I, 'look here, me good fellow,' I + says. 'Me an' me people has occypied these here primises f'r manny years,' + I says, 'an' here we mean to stay,' I says. 'We're doin' th' best we can + in th' matther iv gods,' says I. 'We have thim cast at a first-rate + foundhry,' I says, 'an' we sandpa-aper thim ivry week,' says I. 'As f'r + knowin' things,' I says, 'me people wrote pomes with a markin' brush whin + th' likes iv ye was r-runnin' ar-round wearin' a short pelisse iv + sheepskins an' batin' each other to death with stone hammers,' says I. An' + I'm f'r firin' him out, but bein' a quite man I lave him stay.” + </p> + <p> + “Th' nex' day in comes a man with a suit iv clothes that looks like a + tablecloth in a section house, an' says he: 'Poor ignorant haythen,' he + says, 'what manner iv food d'ye ate?' he says. 'Rice,' says I, 'an' rats + is me fav'rite dish,' I says. 'Deluded wretch,' says he. 'I riprisint + Armour an' Company, an' I'm here to make ye change ye'er dite,' he says. + 'Hinceforth ye'll ate th' canned roast beef iv merry ol' stock yards or + I'll have a file iv sojers in to fill ye full iv ondygistible lead,' he + says. An' afther him comes th' man with Aunt Miranda's Pan Cakes an' + Flaked Bran an' Ye'll-perish-if-ye-don't-eat-a-biscuit an' other + riprisintatives iv Westhern Civilization, an' I'm to be shot if I don't + take thim all.” + </p> + <p> + “Thin a la-ad runs down with a chain an' a small glass on three sticks an' + a gang iv section men that answers to th' name iv Casey, an' pro-ceeds f'r + to put down a railroad. 'What's this f'r?' says I. 'We ar-re th' advance + guard iv Westhren Civilization,' he says, 'an we're goin' to give ye a + railroad so ye can go swiftly to places that ye don't want to see,' he + says. 'A counthry that has no railroads is beneath contimpt,' he says. + 'Casey,' he says, 'sthretch th' chain acrost yon graveyard,' he says. 'I + aim f'r to put th' thrack just befure that large tombstone marked + Riquiescat in Pace, James H. Chung-a-lung,' he says. 'But,' says I, 'ye + will disturb pah's bones,' says I, 'if ye go to layin' ties,' I says. + 'Ye'll be mixin' up me ol' man with th' Cassidy's in th' nex' lot that,' I + says, 'he niver spoke to save in anger in his life,' I says. 'Ye're an + ancestor worshiper, heathen,' says the la-ad, an' he goes on to tamp th' + mounds in th' cimitry an ballast th' thrack with th' remains iv th' + deceased. An' afther he's got through along comes a Fr-rinchman, an' an + Englishman, an' a Rooshan, an' a Dutchman, an' says wan iv them: 'This is + a comfortable lookin' saloon,' he says. 'I'll take th' bar, ye take th' + ice-box an' th' r-rest iv th' fixtures.' 'What f'r?' says I. 'I've paid + th' rent an' th' license,' says I. 'Niver mind,' says he. 'We're th' + riprisintatives iv Westhren Civilization,' he says, 'an' 'tis th' business + iv Westhren Civilization to cut up th' belongings iv Easthren + Civilization,' he says. 'Be off,' he says, 'or I'll pull ye'er hair,' he + says. 'Well,' says I, 'this thing has gone far enough,' I says. 'I've + heerd me good ol' cast-iron gods or josses abused,' I says, 'an' I've been + packed full iv canned goods, an' th' Peking Lightnin' Express is r-runnin' + sthraight through th' lot where th' bones iv me ancesthors lies,' I says. + 'I've shtud it all,' I says, 'but whin ye come here to bounce me off iv me + own primises,' I says, 'I'll have to take th' leg iv th' chair to ye,' I + says. An' we're to th' flure.” + </p> + <p> + “That's th' way it stands in Chiny, Hinnissy, an' it looks to me as though + Westhren Civilization was in f'r a bump. I mind wanst whin a dhrunk prize + fighter come up th' r-road and wint to sleep on Slavin's steps. Some iv + th' good sthrong la-ads happened along an' they were near bein' at blows + over who shud have his watch an' who shud take his hat. While they were + debatin' he woke up an' begin cuttin' loose with hands an' feet, an' whin + he got through he made a collection iv th' things they dhropped in + escapin' an' marched ca'mly down th' sthreet. Mebbe 'twill tur-rn out so + in Chiny, Hinnissy. I see be th' pa-apers that they'se four hundherd + millyons iv thim boys an' be hivins! 'twuddent surprise me if whin they + got through batin' us at home, they might say to thimsilves: 'Well, here + goes f'r a jaunt ar-roun' the wurruld.' Th' time may come, Hinnissey, whin + ye'll be squirtin' wather over Hop Lee's shirt while a man named Chow Fung + kicks down ye'er sign an' heaves rocks through ye'er windy. The time may + come, Hinnissy. Who knows?” + </p> + <p> + “End ye'er blather,” said Mr. Hennessy. “They won't be anny Chinymen left + whin Imp'ror Willum gets through.” + </p> + <p> + “Mebbe not,” says Mr. Dooley. “He's a sthrong man. But th' Chinymen have + been on earth a long time, an' I don't see how we can push so manny iv + thim off iv it. Annyhow, 'tis a good thing f'r us they ain't Christyans + an' haven't larned properly to sight a gun.” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0011" id="link2H_4_0011"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + MINISTER WU + </h2> + <p> + “Well, sir, me little Chinee frind Woo must be havin' th' time iv his life + in Wash'nton these warm days,” said Mr. Dooley. + </p> + <p> + “Who's he?” asked Mr. Hennessy. + </p> + <p> + “He's th' Chinee ministher,” said Mr. Dooley, “an' his business is f'r to + supply fresh hand-laundhried misinformation to the sicrety iv state. Th' + sicrety iv state is settin' in his office feelin' blue because he's just + heerd be a specyal corryspondint iv th' London Daily Pail at Sydney, + Austhreelya, who had it fr'm a slatewriter in Duluth that an ar-rmy iv + four hundherd an' eight thousan' millyon an' sivinty-five bloodthirsty + Chinee, ar-rmed with flatirnes an' cryin', 'Bung Loo!' which means, + Hinnissy, 'Kill th' foreign divvles, dhrive out th' missionries, an' set + up in Chiny a gover'mint f'r the Chinee,' is marchin' on Vladivostook in + Siberyia, not far fr'm Tinsin.” + </p> + <p> + A knock comes at th' dure an' Woo enthers. 'Well,' says he, with a happy + smile, ''tis all right.' 'What's all right?' says the sicrety iv state. + 'Ivrything,' says Woo. 'I have just found a letter sewed in a shirt fr'm + me frind Lie Much, th' viceroy iv Bumbang. It is dated th' fourth hour iv + th' third day iv th' eighth or green-cheese moon,' he says. 'What day is + that?' says the sicrety iv state. 'It's Choosdah, th' fourth iv July; + Winsdah, th' eighth iv October, an' Thursdah, the sivinteenth iv March,' + he says. 'Pathrick's day,' says th' sicrety iv state. 'Thrue f'r ye,' says + Woo. 'What year?' says Jawn Hay. 'The year iv th' big wind,' says Woo. + 'Good,' says John Hay, 'proceed with ye'er story.' 'Here's th' letther,' + says Woo. 'I know 'tis genooyine because it is an ol' dhress patthern used + be th' impress. It says: 'Oscar Woo, care iv himsilf, annywhere: Dear Woo, + brother iv th' moon, uncle iv th' sun, an' roommate iv th' stars, dear + sir: Yours iv th' eighth day iv th' property moon rayceived out iv th' air + yesterdah afthernoon or to-morrow, an' was glad to note ye ar-re feelin' + well. Ivrything over here is th' same ol' pair iv boots. Nawthin' doin'. + Peking is as quiet as th' gr-rave. Her majesty, th' impress, is sufferin' + slightly fr'm death be poison, but is still able to do th' cookin' f'r the + Rooshan ambassadure. Th' impror was beheaded las' week an' feels so much + betther f'r the op'ration that he expicts to be quarthered nex' Sundah. + He's always wanted to rayjooce his weight. Some iv th' Boxers called on + th' foreigners at Tinsin las' week an' met a warrum rayciption. Th' + foreigners aftherward paid a visit to thim through a hole in th' wall, an' + a jolly day concluded with a foot race, at which our people are becomin' + expert. Some iv th' boys expicts to come up to Peking nex' week, an' th' + people along th' line iv th' railroad are gettin' ready f'r thim. This is + really all the news I have, excipt that cherries ar-re ripe. Me pin is + poor, me ink is dhry, me love f'r you can niver die. Give me regards to + Sicrety Hay whin he wakes up. I remain, illusthrus cousin iv th' risin' + dawn, thruly ye'ers, Li. + </p> + <p> + P. S.—If ye need anny more information take a longer dhraw.' + </p> + <p> + “'That,' says Woo, 'is wan way iv r-readin' it. Read upside down it says + that the impress has become a Swedenboorjan. I will r-read it standin' on + me head whin I get home where I can pin down me overskirt; thin I'll + r-read it in a lookin' glass; thin I'll saw it into sthrips an' r-run it + through a wringer an' lave it stand in a tub iv bluein', an' whin its + properly starched I'll find out what it says. Fin'lly I'll cut it into + small pieces an' cook with rice an' lave it to rest in a cool place, an' + thin 'twill r-read even betther. I hope ye're satisfied,' he says. 'I am,' + says Jawn Hay. 'I'll tillygraft to Mark that ivrything is all r-right,' he + says, 'an' that our relations with his majesty or her majesty or their + Boxerships or th' Down-with-th'-foreign-divvlers or whoiver's runnin' th' + shop over beyant are as they ought to be or worse or betther, as th' case + may be,' he says. 'Good,' says Woo, 'ye're a man afther me own heart,' he + says. 'I'll sind ye a little book wrote be a frind iv mine in Peking,' he + says. ''Tis called “Heart to Heart Lies I Have Had,” he says. 'Ye'll like + it,' he says. 'In the manetime,' he says, 'I must write a secret message + to go out be to-night's hot-air express to me corryspondint in Meriden, + Connecticut, urgin' him to sind more im-peeryal edicks iv a fav'r-able + nature,' he says. 'I've on'y had twinty so far, an' I'm gettin' + scrivener's palsy,' he says. 'But befure I go,' he says, 'I bet ye eight + millyon yens, or three dollars an' eighty-four cints iv ye'er money, that + ye can't pick out th' shell this here pea is undher,' he says. An' they + set down to a game iv what is known at Peking as diplomacy, Hinnissy, but + on Randolph sthreet viadock is called the double dirty.” + </p> + <p> + “I don't believe wan wurrud iv what's in th' pa-apers about Chiny,” said + Mr. Hennessy. + </p> + <p> + “Well,” said Mr. Dooley, “if ye believe annything ye'll believe ivrything. + 'Tis a grand contist that's goin' on between Westhren an' Easthren + civilliezation. 'Tis a joke iv me own, Hinnissy, an' ye'd undherstand it + if ye knew spellin. Th' Westhren civilization, Hinnissy—that's us—is + a pretty good liar, but he's a kind iv rough-an'-tumble at it. He goes in + head down, an' ivry lie he tells looks like all th' others. Ye niver see + an Englishman that had anny judgment in lyin'. Th' corryspondint iv th' + Daily Pail is out iv his class. He's carryin' lies to Lieville. How in th' + wurruld can we compete with a counthry where ivry lab'rer's cottage + projooces lies so delicate that th' workmen iv th' West can't undherstand + thim? We make our lies be machinery; they tur-rn out theirs be hand. They + imitate th' best iv our canned lies to deceive people that likes that + kind, but f'r artists they have lies that appeals to a more refined taste. + Sure I'd like to live among thim an' find out th' kind iv bouncers they + tell each other. They must be gr-rand. I on'y know their export lies now—th' + surplus lies they can't use at home. An' th' kind they sind out ar-re + betther thin our best. Our lies is no more thin a conthradiction iv th' + thruth; their lies appeals to th' since iv honesty iv anny civilized man.” + </p> + <p> + “They can't hurt us with their lies,” said Mr. Hennessy of our Western + civilization. “We have th' guns an' we'll bate thim yet.” + </p> + <p> + “Yes,” said Mr. Dooley, “an' 'twill be like a man who's had his house + desthroyed be a cyclone gettin' up an' kickin' at th' air.” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0012" id="link2H_4_0012"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE FUTURE OF CHINA + </h2> + <p> + “Be th' time th' Chinese gets through with this here job o' theirs,” said + Mr. Dooley, “they'll know a thing or two about good manners an' Christyan + idees.” + </p> + <p> + “They need thim,” said Mr. Hennessy. + </p> + <p> + “They do so,” said Mr. Dooley. “An' they'll get thim. By an' by th' allied + foorces will proceed to Peking. It may not be in ye'er life time or in + mine, or in th' life time iv th' ministhers, Hinnissy. They ar-re in no + hurry. Th' ministhers ar-re as comfortable as they can be on a dite iv + polo ponies an' bamboo, an' they have exercise enough dodgin' cannon balls + to have no fear iv indygisthion. They'se no need of haste. Th' allied + foorces must take no step forward while wan ar-rmed foe survives. It was + rayported last week that th' advance had begun, but on sindin' out scouts + 'twas discovered that th' asphalt road to th' capital was not r-ready an' + th' gallant sojer boys was afraid to risk their beecycles on a defictive + pavement. Thin th' parlor cars ordhered be th' Rooshan admiral has not + arrived an' wan iv th' Frinch gin'rals lost an omelette, or whativer 'tis + they wear on their shouldhers, an' he won't budge till it can be replaced + fr'm Pahrs. A sthrong corps iv miners an' sappers has gone ahead f'r to + lo-cate good resthrants on th' line iv march, but th' weather is cloudy + an' th' silk umbrellys haven't arrived, an' they'se supposed to be four + hundhred millyon Chiny-men with pinwheels an' Roman candles blockin' th' + way, so th' advance has been postponed indifinitely. Th' American foorces + is r-ready f'r to start immejately, but they ar-re not there yet. Th' + British gin'ral is waitin' f'r th' Victorya cross befure he does + annything, an' th' Japanese an' th' Rooshan is dancin' up an' down sayin' + 'Afther you, me boy.'” + </p> + <p> + “But afther awhile, whin th' frost is on th' pumpkin an' th' corn is in + th' shock, whin th' roads has been repaired, an' ivry gin'ral's lookin' + his best, an' in no danger iv a cold on th' chist, they'll prance away. + An' whin they get to th' city iv Peking a fine cillybration is planned be + th' mission'ries. I see th' programme in th' pa-aper: First day, 10 A.M., + prayers be th' allied mission'ries; 1 P.M., massacree iv the impress an' + rile fam'ly; sicond day, 10 A.M., scatthrin' iv remains iv former kings; + 11 A.M., disecration iv graves gin'rally; 2 P.M., massacree iv all + gin'rals an' coort officials; third day, 12 noon, burnin' iv Peking; + foorth day, gran' pop'lar massacree an' division iv territ'ry, th' + cillybration to close with a rough-an'-tumble fight among th' allies.” + </p> + <p> + “'Twill be a gr-reat occasion, Hinnissy, an' be-dad I'd like to be there + to see it. Ye can't go too sthrong again' th' Chinee. Me frind th' impror + iv Germany put it right. 'Brave boys,' says he, 'ye ar-re goin' out now,' + he says, 'f'r to carry th' light iv Christyanity,' he says, 'an' th' + teachin's iv th' German Michael,' he says, 'to th' benighted haythen + beyant,' he says. 'Me an' Mike is watchin' ye' he says, 'an' we ixpict ye + to do ye'er duty,' he says. 'Through you,' he says, 'I propose to smash + th' vile Chinee with me mailed fist,' he says. 'This is no six-ounce glove + fight, but demands a lunch-hook done up in eight-inch armor plate,' he + says. 'Whin ye get among th' Chinee,' he says, 'raymimber that ye ar-re + the van guard iv Christyanity,' he says, 'an' stick ye'er baynet through + ivry hated infidel ye see,' he says. 'Lave thim undherstand what our + westhren civilization means,' he says, 'an' prod thim good an' hard,' he + says. 'Open their heads with ye'er good German swords to Eu-ropyan culture + an' refinement,' he says. 'Spare no man that wears a pigtail,' he says. + 'An,' he says, 'me an' th' German Michael will smile on ye as ye kick th' + linin' out iv th' dhragon an' plant on th' walls iv Peking th' banner,' he + says, 'iv th' cross, an',' he says, 'th' double cross,' he says. 'An' if + be chance ye shud pick up a little land be th' way, don't lave e'er a + Frinchman or Rooshan take it fr'm ye, or ye'll feel me specyal delivery + hand on th' back iv ye'er neck in a way that'll do ye no kind iv good. + Hock German Michael,' he says, 'hock me gran'father, hoch th' penny + postage fist,' he says, 'hock mesilf,' he says. An th' German impror wint + back to his bedroom f'r to wurruk on th' book he's goin' to br-ring out + nex' year to take th' place iv th' bible. + </p> + <p> + “He's th' boy f'r me money. Whin th' German throops takes their part in + th' desthruction iv Peking they'll be none iv th' allied foorces 'll stick + deeper or throw th' backbone iv th' impress' ol' father higher thin th' + la-ads fr'm th' home iv th' sausage. I hope th' cillybration 'll occur on + Chris'mas day. I'd like to hear th' sojers singin' 'Gawd r-rest ye, merry + Chinnymen' as they punchered thim with a baynit.” + </p> + <p> + “'Twill be a good thing,” said Mr. Hennessy. + </p> + <p> + “It will that,” said Mr. Dooley. + </p> + <p> + “'Twill civilize th' Chinnymen,” said Mr. Hennessy. + </p> + <p> + “'Twill civilize thim stiff,” said Mr. Dooley. “An' it may not be a bad + thing f'r th' r-rest iv th' wurruld. Perhaps contack with th' Chinee may + civlize th' Germans.” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0013" id="link2H_4_0013"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + PLATFORM MAKING + </h2> + <p> + “That sthrikes me as a gran' platform,” said Mr. Hennessy. “I'm with it + fr'm start to finish.” + </p> + <p> + “Sure ye are,” said Mr. Dooley, “an' so ye'd be if it begun: 'We denounce + Terence Hinnissy iv th' Sixth Ward iv Chicago as a thraitor to his + country, an inimy iv civilization, an' a poor thing.' Ye'd say: 'While + there are wan or two things that might be omitted, th' platform as a whole + is a statesmanlike docymint, an' wan that appeals to th' intelligince iv + American manhood.' That's what ye'd say, an' that's what all th' likes iv + ye'd say. An' whin iliction day comes 'round th' on'y question ye'll ast + ye'ersilf is: 'Am I with Mack or am I with Billy Bryan?' An accordin'ly + ye'll vote.” + </p> + <p> + “'Tis always th' same way, an' all platforms is alike. I mind wanst whin I + was an alter-nate to th' county con-vintion—'twas whin I was a power + in pollytics an' th' on'y man that cud do annything with th' Bohemian vote—I + was settin' here wan night with a pen an' a pot iv ink befure me, thryin' + to compose th' platform f'r th' nex' day, f'r I was a lithry man in a way, + d'ye mind, an' I knew th' la-ads'd want a few crimps put in th' + raypublicans in a ginteel style, an' 'd be sure to call on me f'r to do + it. Well, I'd got as far down as th' tariff an' was thryin' f'r to express + me opinyon without swearin', whin who shud come in but Lafferty, that was + sicrety iv McMahon, that was th' Main Guy in thim days, but aftherward + thrun down on account iv him mixin' up between th' Rorkes an' th' Dorseys. + Th' Main Guy Down Town said he wudden't have no throuble in th' ward, an' + he declared McMahon out. McMahon had too much money annyhow. If he'd kept + on, dollar bills'd have been extinct outside iv his house. But he was a + sthrong man in thim days an' much liked.” + </p> + <p> + “Anyhow, Lafferty, that was his sicrety, come in, an' says he: 'What are + ye doin' there?' says he. 'Step soft,' says I; 'I am at wurruk,' I says. + 'Ye shudden't do lithry wurruk on an empty stomach,' says he. 'I do + nawthin' on an empty stomach but eat,' says I. 'I've had me supper,' I + says. 'Go 'way,' says I, 'till I finish th' platform,' I says. 'What's th' + platform?' says he.'F'r th' county con-vintion,' says I. + </p> + <p> + “Well, sir, he set down on a chair, an' I thought th' man was goin' to die + right there on the premises with laughter. 'Whin ye get through with ye'er + barkin',' says I, 'I'll throuble ye to tell me what ye may be doin' it + f'r,' I says. 'I see nawthin' amusin' here but ye'er prisince,' I says, + 'an' that's not a divvle iv a lot funnier than a wooden leg,' I says, f'r + I was mad. Afther awhile he come to, an' says he: 'Ye don't raally think,' + says he, 'that ye'll get a chanct to spring that platform,' he says. 'I + do,' says I. 'Why,' he says, 'the platform has been adopted,' he says. + 'Whin?' says I. 'Befure ye were born,' says he. 'In th' reign iv Bildad + th' first,' says he—he was a larned man, was Lafferty, though a + dhrinkin' man. All sicreties iv pollyticians not in office is dhrinkin' + men, Hinnissy. 'Ive got th' copy iv it here in me pocket,' he says. 'Th' + boss give it to me to bring it up to date,' he says. 'They was no sthrike + last year an' we've got to put a sthrike plank in th' platform or put th' + prisident iv th' Lumber Shovers' union on th' county board, an',' he says, + 'they ain't room,' he says. + </p> + <p> + “'Why,' says Lafferty, 'ye ought to know th' histhry iv platforms,' he + says. An' he give it to me, an' I'll give it to ye. Years ago, Hinnissy, + manny years ago, they was a race between th' dimmycrats an' th' + raypublicans f'r to see which shud have a choice iv principles. Th' + dimmycrats lost. I dinnaw why. Mebbe they stopped to take a dhrink. + Annyhow, they lost. Th' raypublicans come up an' they choose th' 'we + commind' principles, an' they was nawthin' left f'r the dimmycrats but th' + 'we denounce an' deplores.' I dinnaw how it come about, but th' dimmycrats + didn't like th' way th' thing shtud, an' so they fixed it up between thim + that whichiver won at th' iliction shud commind an' congratulate, an' thim + that lost shud denounce an' deplore. An' so it's been, on'y the dimmycrats + has had so little chanct f'r to do annything but denounce an' deplore that + they've almost lost th' use iv th' other wurruds. + </p> + <p> + “Mack sets back in Wash'nton an' writes a platform f'r th' comity on + risolutions to compose th' week afther. He's got a good job—forty-nine + ninety-two, sixty-six a month—an' 'tis up to him to feel good. 'I—I + mean we,' he says, 'congratulate th' counthry on th' matchless + statesmanship, on-shrinkin' courage, steady devotion to duty an' principle + iv that gallant an' hon'rable leader, mesilf,' he says to his sicrety. + 'Take that,' he says, 'an' elaborate it,' he says. 'Ye'll find a ditchnry + on th' shelf near the dure,' he says, 'if ye don't think I've put what I + give ye sthrong enough,' he says. 'I always was,' he says, 'too retirin' + f'r me own good,' he says. 'Spin out th' r-rest,' he says, 'to make about + six thousan' wurruds,' he says, 'but be sure don't write annything too hot + about th' Boer war or th' Ph'lippeens or Chiny, or th' tariff, or th' + goold question, or our relations with England, or th' civil sarvice,' he + says. 'Tis a foolish man,' he says, 'that throws a hunk iv coal fr'm his + own window at th' dhriver iv a brick wagon,' he says.” + </p> + <p> + “But with Billy Bryan 'tis diff'rent. He's out in Lincoln, Neebrasky, far + fr'm home, an' he says to himsilf: 'Me throat is hoarse, an' I'll exercise + me other fac'lties,' he says. 'I'll write a platform,' he says. An' he + sets down to a typewriter, an' denounces an' deplores till th' hired man + blows th' dinner horn. Whin he can denounce an' deplore no longer he views + with alarm an' declares with indignation. An' he sinds it down to Kansas + City, where th' cot beds come fr'm.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, ye're always pitchin' into some wan,” said Mr. Hennessy. “I bet ye + Willum Jennings Bryan niver see th' platform befure it wint in. He's too + good a man.” + </p> + <p> + “He is all iv that,” said Mr. Dooley. “But ye bet he knows th' rale + platform f'r him is: 'Look at th' bad breaks Mack's made,' an' Mack's + platform is: 'Ye'd get worse if ye had Billy Bryan.' An' it depinds on + whether most iv th' voters ar-re tired out or on'y a little tired who's + ilicted. All excipt you, Hinnissy. Ye'll vote f'r Bryan?” + </p> + <p> + “I will,” said Mr. Hennessy. + </p> + <p> + “Well,” said Mr. Dooley, “d'ye know, I suspicted ye might.” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0014" id="link2H_4_0014"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE YACHT RACES + </h2> + <p> + “In th' ol' times whin I was a yachtsman—” began Mr. Dooley. + </p> + <p> + “Scowman,” said Mr. Hennessy. + </p> + <p> + “Yachtsman,” said Mr. Dooley. “Whin I was a yachtsman, all a man needed to + race was a flat-bottomed boat, an umbrella, an' a long dhrink. In thim + days 'twas 'Up with th' mainsail an' out with th' jib, an' Cap'n Jawn + first to th' Lake View pumpin' station f'r th' see-gars.' Now 'tis 'Ho, + f'r a yacht race. Lave us go an' see our lawyers.' 'Tis 'Haul away on th' + writ iv ne exeat,' an' 'Let go th' peak capias.' 'Tis 'Pipe all hands to + th' Supreme Coort.' 'Tis 'A life on th' boundin' docket an' a home on th' + rowlin' calendar.' Befure we die, Sir Lipton'll come over here f'r that + Cup again an' we'll bate him be gettin' out an overnight injunction. + What's th' use iv buildin' a boat that's lible to tip an' spill us all + into th' wet? Turn th' matther over to th' firm iv Wiggins, Schultz, + O'Mally, Eckstein, Wopoppski, Billotti, Gomez, Olson, an' McPherson, an' + lave us have th' law on him.” + </p> + <p> + “I don't suppose, Hinnissy, I ought to be gettin' off me little jokes on a + seeryous matther like this. What's it all about, says ye? Well, ye see, + 'tis this way. Wanst befure th' war some la-ad fr'm this counthry took a + boat acrost th' Atlantic an' run it again an English boat an' iv coorse, + he won, not bein' tied to th' dock, an' they give him a Cup. I don't know + why they give him a cup, but they give him a cup. He brought it back here + an' handed it to a yacht club, which is an assocyation, Hinnissy, iv + mimbers iv th' Bar. He says: 'Ye keep that cup on ye'er mantle-piece an' + if e'er an Englishman wants it, don't ye give it to him.' Afther awhile, + an Englishman that ownded a boat come afther th' cup, an 'twas lave go + altogether, an' th' las' man to th' line knows what he is. He's an + Englishman, iv coorse. That was all r-right too. But th' time come whin + th' lagal pro-fission took a hand in th' game. 'Look here,' says they. + 'Ye've vilated nearly all th' statues iv th' State iv Noo Jarsey already,' + they says, 'an' if ye ain't careful, ye'll be hauled up f'r contimpt iv + coort,' they says. So they took th' matther in hand an' dhrew up th' + r-right pa-apers. 'State iv Noo York, county iv Cook, s. s. Know all men + be these prisints. To all magisthrates an' polis officers, greetin.' In re + Sir Lipton again th' Cup. Ordhered that if Sir Lipton shall secure said + Cup fr'm aforesaid (which he won't) he must build a boat as follows: Wan + hundherd an' twinty chest, fifty-four waist, hip an' side pockets, + carryin' three hundherd an' sixty-three thousan' cubic feet iv canvas; th' + basement iv th' boat to be papered in green with yellow flowered dado, + open plumbin', steam heat throughout, th' tinant to pay f'r all repairs. + Be means iv this infernal machine, if enable to kill off th' rile fam'ly, + he will attimpt to cross th' stormy Atlantic, an' if successful, will + arrive at th' risidince iv th' party of th' first part, said John Doe. + Wanst there, he will consult with mimbers iv th' Noo York Bar Association, + who will lead him to a firm iv competent expert accountants, who will give + him his time, which is two minyits measured be th' invarse ratio iv th' + distance fr'm th' binnacle to th' cook-stove, an' fr'm th' cook-stove, + east be north to th' bowspirit. He will thin take his foolish boat down + th' bay, an' if he keeps his health, he can rayturn to th' grocery + business, f'r he's a jolly good fellow which nobody can deny.' + </p> + <p> + “Ye can see this, Hinnissy, that yachtin' has become wan iv thl larned + pro-fissions. 'Tis that that got th' la-ad fr'm Boston into it. They's a + jolly Jack Tar f'r ye. In dhrawin' up a lease or framin' a bond, no more + gallant sailor rides th' waves thin hearty Jack Larsen iv th' Amalgamated + Copper Yacht Club. 'What ho?' says he. 'If we're goin' to have a race,' he + says, 'shiver me timbers if I don't look up th' law,' he says. So he + become a yachtsman. 'But,' says th' Noo York la-ads, thim that has th' Cup + on their mantel-piece, 'Ye can race on'y on two conditions.' 'What ar-re + they?' says Larsen. 'Th' first is that ye become a mimber iv our club.' + 'With pleasure,' says he. 'Ye can't,' says they. 'An' havin' complied with + this first condition, ye must give us ye'er boat,' says they. 'We don't + want it,' they says. 'Th' terms suit me entirely,' says Cap. Larsen. 'I'm + a simple sailor man an' I'll give ye me boat undher th' following + conditions,' he says. 'First, that ye won't take it; second, that ye'll + paint me name on th' side iv it in red letters, three feet high; third, + that ye'll inthra-jooce me to th' Prince iv Wales; foorth, that I'll sail + it mesilf. Nawthin',' he says, 'wud give me gr-reater pleasure thin to + have me handsome an' expinsive raft in th' hands iv men who I wud + considher it an honor to know,' he says. 'An' so,' he says, 'I'll on'y ask + ye to sign a bond an' lave a small security, say about five hundherd + thousan' dollars, in me hands in case anny paint shud be knocked off me + boat,' he says. 'Yachtin' is a gintleman's spoort,' he says, 'an' in + dalin' with gintlemen,' he says, 'ye can't be too careful,' he says.” + </p> + <p> + “What's Sir Lipton doin' all this time?” asked Mr. Hennessy. + </p> + <p> + “He's preparin' his bond, makin' his will, an' goin' through th' other + lagal preliminaries iv th' race. He's built a boat too. Th' King of + England was aboord iv her, an' he was near killed, be havin' a mast fall + on him. Th' Lord knows how he escaped. A mass iv steel weighin' a hundherd + thousan' ton fell on his Majesty an' bounced off. Sir Lipton felt pretty + bad about it. He didn't mind losin' a mast or two, but he didn't want + annywan to know he had th' king aboord. 'Twud hurt business. 'Boys,' says + he to th' rayporthers, 'th' King's on me yacht. D'ye hear me? Th' King's + on me yacht. But don't say annything about it. I don't want to have it + known. Don't print it onless ye have to, an' thin put it in an + inconspicuous place, like th' first page. He's here sure enough, boys. Th' + mast just fell on his Majesty. It nearly kilt him. I'm not sure it didn't + kill him. He remained perfectly cool throughout. So did I. I was almost + cold. So did both iv us. But, mind not a wurrud iv this in th' pa-apers.' + I don't know how th' rayporthers got hold iv it. But they're a pryin' + lot.” + </p> + <p> + “How did th' mast come to fall?” asked Mr. Hennessy, eagerly. “D'ye + suppose Sir Lipton is wan iv us?” + </p> + <p> + “S-sh,” said Mr. Dooley, adding, softly, “he was bor-rn in Limerick.” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0015" id="link2H_4_0015"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + POLYGAMY + </h2> + <p> + “How manny wives has this here man Roberts that's thryin' to break into + Congress?” Mr. Dooley asked. + </p> + <p> + “I dinnaw,” said Mr. Hennessy; “I nivver heerd iv him.” + </p> + <p> + “I think it's three,” said Mr. Dooley. “No wondher he needs wurruk an' is + fightin' hard f'r th' job. I'm with him too, be hivens. Not that I'm be + taste or inclination a marryin' man, Hinnissy. They may get me to th' + altar some day. Th' best iv us falls, like Cousin George, an' there ar-re + designin' women in this very block that I have me own throubles in + dodgin'. But anny time ye hear iv me bein' dhrawn fr'm th' quite miseries + an' exclusive discomforts iv single life ye may know that they have caught + me asleep an' chloroformed me. It's thrue. But f'r thim that likes it, + it's all r-right, an' if a man's done something in his youth that he has + to do pinance f'r an' th' stations iv th' cross ain't sthrong enough, lave + him, says I, marry as manny women as he wants an' live with them an' die + contint. Th' Mormons thinks they ar-re commanded be the Lord f'r to marry + all th' ineligeable Swede women. Now, I don't believe th' Lord iver + commanded even a Mormon f'r to do annything so foolish, an' if he did he + wudden't lave th' command written on a pie-plate an' burrid out there at + Nauvoo, in Hancock county, Illinye. Ye can bet on that, Hinnissy.” + </p> + <p> + “But if anny wan believes 'twas done, I say, lave him believe it an' lave + him clasp to his bosom as manny Olesons as 'll have him. Sure in th' + prisint state iv th' mathrimonyal market, as Hogan calls it, whin he goes + down to coort th' rich Widow O'Brien, th' la-ad that wants to engage in + interprises iv that sort ought to have a frind in ivry wan but th' men + that keeps imploymint agencies. + </p> + <p> + “But no. Th' minyit a Mormon thries to break into a pollytical job, a + dillygation rises an' says they: 'What!' they says, 'permit this polluted + monsther f'r to invade th' chaste atmosphere,' they says, 'iv th' house iv + riprisintatives,' they says. 'Permit him f'r to parade his fam'ly down + Pinnsylvanya Av'noo an' block thraffic,' they says. 'Permit him mebbe to + set in th' chair wanst occypied be th' laminted Breckinridge,' they says. + An' they proceed f'r to hunt th' poor, crowded man. An' he takes a day off + to kiss his wife fr'm house to house, an' holds a meetin' iv his childher + to bid thim good-by an' r-runs to hide in a cave till th' dillygation + raymimbers that they have husbands iv their own an' goes home to cook th' + supper. + </p> + <p> + “A Mormon, Hinnissy, is a man that has th' bad taste an' th' rellijion to + do what a good manny other men ar-re restrained fr'm doin' be + conscientious scruples an' th' polis. I don't want anny wife; ye, + Hinnissy, ar-re satisfied, not to say con-tint, with wan; another la-ad + feels that he'd be lonesome without tin. 'Tis a matther iv disposition. If + iver I got started th' Lord on'y knows where I'd bring up. I might be like + me frind an' fellow-sultan, Hadji Mohammed. Hadji has wives to burn, an' + wanst in awhile he bur-rns wan. He has a betther job thin Congressman.” + </p> + <p> + “Th' best a congressman can get is foorth-class postmasther an' a look in + at th' White House on visitin' day. But Hadji, th' pop'lar an' iloquent + sultan iv Sulu an' Bazeen iv th' Ohio iv th' Passyfic, owns his own palace + an' disthributes his own jobs. No man can hold th' office iv bow-sthringer + iv our impeeryal domain without a certy-ficate fr'm Hadji. From th' + highest office in th' land to th' lowest, fr'm th' chief pizener to th' + throne, to th' humblest ixicutioner that puts a lady in a bag an' dumps + her into th' lake in th' Nine Millionth Assimbly district they look to + Hadji Mohammed f'r their places. He is th' High Guy, th' Main Thing. He's + ivrybody. When he quits wurrk th' governmint is over f'r th' day. An' does + annywan thry to interfere with Hadji? Does annywan say 'Hadji, ye'll have + to abandon two or three hundherd iv ye 'er firesides. Ye ar-re livin' jus' + inside th' left field fince iv our domain an' 'tis a rule iv th' game that + we've taken ye into that no wan shall have more thin wan wife at a time + that annywan knows iv. In' behalf iv th' comity iv th' Society f'r th' + Supprission iv Poly-gamy, I request ye to discard Nora an' Eileen an' Mary + Ann an' Sue an' Bimbi an' th' r-rest iv th' bunch, an' cleave on'y to + Lucille. I judge be her looks that she's th' first Missus Haitch.' + </p> + <p> + “No, sir. If he did he'd reach th' ship that runs between our outlying + wards without a hair to his head. Instead iv reproachin' Hadji with his + domestic habits, wan iv th' envoys that ar-re imployed in carryin' + messages fr'm th' prisidint to his fellow-citizens, proceeds to th' pretty + little American village iv Sulu, where he finds Hadji settin' up on a high + chair surrounded be wives. 'Tis a domestic scene that'd make Brigham Young + think he was a bachelor. Hadji is smokin' a good seegar an' occasionally + histin' a dhrink iv cider, an' wan iv th' ladies is playin' a guitar, an' + another is singin' 'I want ye my Sulu,' an' another is makin' a tidy, an' + three or four hundred more ar-re sewin' patches on th' pants iv th' Hadji + kids. An' th' ambassadure he says: 'Mos' rile an' luminous citizen, here + is a copy iv th' Annual Thanksgivin' pro-clamation,' he says. 'Tis + addhressed to all th' hearty husbandmen iv our belovid counthry, manin' + you among others,' he says. 'An' here,' he says, 'is th' revised + constitution,' he says. 'Th' original wan,' he says, 'was intinded f'r ol' + stick-in-th'-muds that wudden't know th' difference between a harem an' a + hoe,' he says. 'This wan,' he says, 'is more suited f'r th' prisint gay + an' expansive times,' he says. 'It permits a man to cleave to as manny + wives,' he says, 'as his race, color, an' prevyous condition iv servitude + will permit,' he says. 'Thank ye kindly,' says Hadji, 'I'll threasure + these here papers as a vallyable meminto fr'm that far distant home iv + mine which I have niver see,' he says. 'I'd inthrojooce ye to Mrs. Hadji + wan by wan,' he says, 'but 'twud be betther,' he says, 'f'r to stand up + here an' be prisinted to her as a whole,' he says, 'f'r,' he says, ''tis + growing late an' I want ye to come up to th' house,' he says, 'an' pick a + mission'ry with me,' he says. 'A Baptist,' he says, 'raised on th' farm,' + he says. An' Hadji holds his job an' looks for'rard to th' day whin we'll + have female suffrage an' he can cast th' solid vote iv Sulu for himsilf + f'r prisident.” + </p> + <p> + “Thin,” said Mr. Hennessy, “ye'er frind Roberts ought to move to + what-d'ye-call-th' place.” + </p> + <p> + “That's what I'm thinkin',” said Mr. Dooley. “But 'tis too bad f'r him he + was bor-rn at home.” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0016" id="link2H_4_0016"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + PUBLIC FICKLENESS + </h2> + <p> + Mr. Dooley put his paper aside and pushed his spectacles up on his + forehead. “Well,” he said, “I suppose, afther all, we're th' mos' lively + nation in th' wurruld. It doesn't seem many months ago since ye, Hinnissy, + was down at th' depot cheerin' th' departin' heroes——” + </p> + <p> + “I niver was,” said Mr. Hennessey. “I stayed at home.” + </p> + <p> + “Since ye was down cheerin' th' departin' heroes,” Mr. Dooley continued, + “an' thryin' to collect what they owed ye. Th' papers was full iv news iv + th' war. Private Jawn Thomas Bozoom iv Woonsocket, a mimber iv th' gallant + an' devoted Wan Hundhred an' Eighth Rhode Island, accidentally slipped on + a orange peel while attimptin' to lave th' recruitin' office an' sustained + manny con-tu-sions. He rayfused to be taken home an' insisted on jinin' + his rig'mint at th' rayciption in th' fair groun's. Gallant Private + Bozoom! That's th' stuff that American heroes ar-re made iv. Ye find thim + at th' forge an' at th' plough, an' dhrivin' sthreet cars, an' ridin' in + th' same. The favored few has th' chanst to face th' bullets iv th'inimy. + 'Tis f'r these unknown pathrites to prove that a man can sarve his + counthry at home as well as abroad. Private Bozoom will not be f'rgot be + his fellow-counthrymen. A rayciption has been arranged f'r him at th' + Woonsocket op'ry-house, an' 'tis said if he will accipt it, th' vote iv + th' State iv Rhode Island'll be cast f'r him f'r prisidint. 'Tis at such + times as this that we reflict that th' wurruld has wurruk f'r men to do, + an' mere politicians mus' retire to th' rear.” + </p> + <p> + “That was a few months ago. Where's Bozoom now? If iver ye go to + Woonsocket, Hinnissy, which Gawd f'rbid, ye'll find him behind th' + counther iv th' grocery store ladlin' out rutabaga turnips into a brown + paper cornucopy an' glad to be alive. An' 'tis tin to wan, an' more thin + that, that th' town humorist has named him th' orange-peel hero, an' he'll + go to his grave with that name. Th' war is over an' th' state iv war + exists. If ye saw a man fall fr'm th' top iv a tin-story buildin' 'twud + startle ye, wanst. If it happened again, 'twud surprise ye. But if ye saw + a man fall ivry fifteen minyits ye'd go home afther awhile f'r supper an' + ye wuddent even mintion it to ye'er wife.” + </p> + <p> + “I don't know how manny heroes they ar-re in th' Philippeens. Down there a + man is ayether a sojer or a casualty. Bein' a casualty is no good. I cud + say about a man: 'He was a hero in th' war with Spain,' but how can I say: + 'Shake hands with Bill Grady, wan iv th' ladin' casualties iv our late + war?' 'Twud be no more thin to say he was wan iv th' gallant men that + voted f'r prisidint in 1896.'” + </p> + <p> + {Illustration} + </p> + <p> + “No, Hinnissy, people wants novelties in war. Th' war fashions iv 1898 is + out iv style. They ar-re too full in th' waist an' too long in th' skirt. + Th' style has changed. There ar-re fifty thousand backward men in th' fair + isles iv th' Passyfic fightin' to free th' Philippeen fr'm himsilf an' + becomin' a casualty in th' operation, but no one is charterin' ar-rmy + hospital ships f'r thim.” + </p> + <p> + “No one is convartin' anny steam yachts f'r thim. No wan is sindin' eighty + tons iv plum puddin' to complete th' wurruk iv destruction. They ar-re in + a war that'd make th' British throops in Africa think they were drillin' + f'r a prize banner. But'tis an onfashionable war.' 'Tis an ol' war made + over fr'm garments formerly worn be heroes. Whin a man is out in th' + counthry with wan newspaper an' has read th' authentic dispatches fr'm + Ladysmith an' Harrismith an' Willumaldensmith an' Mysteriousbillysmith an' + the meetin' iv th' czar iv Rooshia with th' Impror Willum an' th' fire in + th' packin' house an' th' report iv th' canal thrustees an' th' fightin' + news an' th' want ads, an' afther he has r-read thim over twinty times he + looks at his watch an' says he, 'Holy smoke, 'tis two hours to thrain time + an' I suppose I'll have to r-read th' news fr'm th' Philippeens.' War, be + hivins, is so common that I believe if we was to take on a fight with all + th' wurruld not more thin half th' popylation iv New England'd die iv + hear-rt disease befure they got into th' cellars.” + </p> + <p> + “Th' new style iv war is made in London an' all our set is simply stuck on + it. Th' casualties in th' Philippeens can walk home, but is it possible + that many thrue an' well-dhressed American can stand to see th' signs iv + th' ancient British aristocracy taken care iv be their own gover'mint? + 'What,' says Lady what's-her-name (her that was th' daughter iv wan iv our + bravest an' best racontoors). 'What.' she says, 'will anny American woman + residin' in London see men shot down,' she says, 'that has but recently + played polo in our very sight,' she says, 'an' be brought home in mere + thransports,' she says. 'Ladies,' she says, 'lave us equip a hospital + ship,' she says. 'I thrust,' she says, 'that all iv us has been long + enough fr'm home to f'rget our despicable domestic struggles,' she says, + 'an' think on'y iv humanity,' she says. An' whin she opens up th' shop f'r + subscriptions ye'd think fr'm th' crowd that 'twas th' first night iv th' + horse show. I don't know what Lem Stiggins iv Kansas, marked down in th' + roll, Private in th' Twintieth Kansas, Severely, I don't know what Private + Severely thinks iv it. An' I wuddent like to know till afther + Thanks-givin'.” + </p> + <p> + “Don't be blatherin',” said Mr. Hennessy. “Sure ye can't ixpict people to + be inthrested f'river in a first performance.” + </p> + <p> + “No,” said Mr. Dooley, “but whin th' audjeence gives th' comp'ny an encore + it ought at laste to pretind that it's not lavin' f'r th' other show.” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0017" id="link2H_4_0017"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + KENTUCKY POLITICS + </h2> + <p> + “If th' Presidint doesn't step in an' interfere,” said Mr. Hennessy, + “they'll be bloodshed in Kentucky.” + </p> + <p> + “What business is it iv Mack's?” Mr. Dooley protested. “Th' war's in this + counthry, man alive! If 'twas in Boolgahria or Chiny or on th' head waters + iv th' Bozoon river in th' sooltynate iv—iv—I dinnaw what—thin'twud + be th' jooty iv our gover'mint f'r to resolve that th' inthrests iv + humanity an' civilization an' th' advancement iv th' human kind required + that we shud step in an' put a head on wan or both iv th' parties. But + they'se no reason now, me boy, f'r us to do annything, f'r these are our + own people, an' 'tis wan iv their rights, undher th' martial law that's + th' foundation iv our institutions, to bate each other to death whiniver + an' whereiver they plaze. 'Twud be all r-right f'r the Impror Willum to + come in an' take a hand, but Gawd help him if he did, or th' Prsidint iv + th' Fr-rinch or th' Impror iv Chiny. 'Twud be all r-right f'r thim. An' + though we might meet thim at th' dure an' hand thim wan f'r their + impydince, we'd be in th' wrong. Twud be a good job f'r Aggynaldoo, too, + if he cud find himsilf an' had th' time It must be clear to him be what + news he hears whin th' other pigrim father, Sinitor Hoar, calls on him in + th' three where he makes his home, that what Kentucky needs now is wan an' + on'y wan stable govermint an' a little public peace. He might restore + peace at home an' abroad be cuttin' in, but th' poor la-ad has other + things to think iv. I'd like to see him. It must be near a year since he + had a shave or a hair cut, barrin' ridges made be bullets as he cleared + th' fences.” + </p> + <p> + “It looks to me as though th' raypublican is wr-rong,” said Mr. Hennessy, + with the judicial manner of a man without prejudices. + </p> + <p> + “Iv coorse he's wrong,” said Mr. Dooley. “He starts wrong. An' th' + dimmycrats ar-re r-right. They're always r-right. Tis their position. Th' + dimmycrats ar-re right an' the raypublicans has th' jobs. It all come up + because our vinerated party, Hinnissy, ain't quick at th' count. Man an' + boy I've taken an intherest in politics all me life, an' I find th' on'y + way to win an iliction is to begin f'r to count th' minyit ye've completed + th' preliminaries iv closin' th' polls an' killin' th' other judges an' + clerks. + </p> + <p> + “Th' dimmycrats counted, but th' count come too late. Be th' time th' + apparent an' hidjous majority iv th' raypublicans was rayjooced to + nawthin' an' a good liberal, substantial, legal an' riotous dimmycratic + majority put in its place be ordher iv th' coorts, th' commonwealth iv + Kentucky an' Jack Chinn, th' raypublican has been so long in th'job an' + has become so wedded to it that ye cuddent shake him out with a can iv + joynt powdher. It seems to him that there niver was a time whin he wasn't + gov'nor.” + </p> + <p> + {Illustration} + </p> + <p> + “Th' dimmycrats get together an' call on that learned an' incorruptible + joodishary that's done so much to ilivate the party into high office, an' + whin th' dure iv th' saloon is locked they say 'Bill,' they say, 'we're + bein' robbed iv our suffrage,' says they. 'Th' hated enimy has stolen th' + ballot an' thrampled on th' r-rights iv th' citizens,' says they, 'in the + southern part iv th' state faster thin we cud undo their hellish wurruk in + our own counties,' they says. 'They now hol' th' jobs,' they say, 'an' if + they stay in they'se no more chanst iv iver ilictin' a dimmycrat again + thin there wud be iv ilictin' a raypublican if we got in,' they say. 'Do + ye mix us up a replevy writ an' we'll go over an' haul th' chair fr'm + undher thim,' they say.” + </p> + <p> + “So th' judge passes out a replevy writ be vartue iv th' thrust that's + been reposed in him be th' comity and gives it to Colonel Jack Chinn, wan + iv th' leaders iv th' Kentucky bar, f'r to serve. An' Colonel Jack Chinn + ar-rms himsilf as becomes a riprisintative iv a gr-reat coort goin' to + sarve a sacred writ iv replevy on th' usurper to th' loftiest or wan iv + th' loftiest jobs that th' people iv a gloryous state can donate to a + citizen. He sthraps on three gatlin' guns, four revolvers, two swords, a + rifle, a shot gun, a baseball bat, a hand grenade (to be used on'y in case + iv thirst), a pair iv handcuffs, brass knuckles, a sandbag, a piece of + lead pipe in a stockin', a rabbit's foot f'r luck, a stove lid an' a can + iv dinnymite, an' with siveral iv his cillybrated knives behind his ears, + in his hair, between his teeth, an' gleamin' fr'm his pockets, he sallies + forth on his sacred mission, an' gives th' writ to a clerk to sarve, an' + stays in town himsilf, where he successfully resists all charges iv th' + bartinder. Th' clerk goes up to th' state house, where th' gov'nor is + ixicutin' th' high thrust reposed in him be himsilf, behind breastworks + an' guarded be some iv th' most desp'rate an' pathriotic ruffyans in th' + state. 'What have ye there?' says his ixcillincy, with his hand on th' + sthring iv a dinnymite gun. 'A writ fr'm th' coort bouncin' ye fr'm ye'er + high office,' says th' clerk. 'As a law abidin' citizen,' says his + ixcillincy, 'an' an official enthrusted be th' people iv this glad state + with th' exicution iv th' statutes I bow to th' law,' he says. 'But,' he + says, 'I'll be hanged if I'll bow to th' decree iv anny low browed + pussillanimous dimmycratic coort,' he says, 'Sojers,' he says, 'seize this + disturber iv th' peace an' stick him in th' cellar. Jawn,' he says, 'ar-rm + ye'ersilf an' proceed to th' raypublican timple iv justice in Hogan's + saloon an' have th' stanch an' upright Judge Blood prepare some good + honest writs iv th' party iv Lincoln an' Grant,' he says. 'In th' + manetime, as th' constitootion has lost its sights an' the cylinder don't + revolve,' he says, 'I suspind it an' proclaim martial law,' he says. 'I + want a law,' he says, 'that mesilf an' all other good citizens can + rayspict,' he says. 'I want wan,' he says, 'that's been made undher me own + personal supervision,' he says. 'Hand-made, copper distilled, wan + hun-dherd an' tin proof martial law ought to be good enough for anny + Kentuckyan,' he says. So th' next ye hear th' sojers ar-re chasin' th' + coorts out iv th' state, th' legislature is meetin' in Duluth, Pinsacola, + an' Bangor, Maine, an' a comity iv citizens consistin' iv some iv the best + gun fighters iv th' state ar-re meetin' to decide how th' conthroversay + can be decided without loss iv blood or jobs. While they're in session th' + gov'nor is in contimpt iv coort, the coorts ar-re in contimpt iv th' + gov'nor, an' if annybody but Tiddy Rosenfclt has anny other feelin' f'r + ayether iv thim I haven't heerd him speak.” + </p> + <p> + “They ought to fire out the raypublican,” said Mr. Hennessy. “Sure 'tis + comin' to a nice state iv affairs whin th' likes iv him can defy the + coorts.” + </p> + <p> + “Thrue f'r ye,” said Mr. Dooley. “But I don't like th' looks iv it fr'm + our side iv th' house. Whiniver a dimmycrat has to go to coort to win an + iliction I get suspicious. They'se something wr-rong in Kentucky, + Hinnissy. We were too slow. Th' inimy got th' first cheat.” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0018" id="link2H_4_0018"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + YOUNG ORATORY + </h2> + <p> + “They'se wan thing that this counthry ought to be thankful f'r,” said Mr. + Dooley, laying down his paper, “an' that is that we still have a lot iv + young an' growin' orators f'r to lead us on.” + </p> + <p> + “Who's been oratin' now?” Mr. Hennessy asked. + </p> + <p> + “Me young frind Sinitor Beveridge, th' child orator iv Fall Creek. This + engagin' an' hopeful la-ad first made an impression with his eloquince at + th' age iv wan whin he addhressed a meetin' iv th' Tippecanoe club on th' + issues iv th' day. At th' age iv eight he was illicted to th' United + States Sinit, rayjoocin' th' average age iv that body to ninety-three + years. In th' sinit, bein' a modest child, he rayfused to speak f'r five + minyits, but was fin'lly injooced f'r to make a few thousan' remarks on + wan iv th' subjects now much discussed by orators whin th' dures ar-re + closed an' th' fire escapes broken.” + </p> + <p> + “His subject was th' Ph'lippeens, an' he said he'd just come fr'm there. + 'I have cruised,' he says, 'f 'r two thousan' miles through th' Ar-rchey + Pelago—that's a funny name—ivry minyit a surprise an' delight + to those that see me,' he says. 'I see corn growin' on banana threes; I + see th' gloryous heights iv Ding Dong that ar-re irradyatin'. civilization + like quills upon th' fretful porcypine,' he says. 'I see rice, coffee, + rolls, cocoanuts, choice seegars, oats, hay, hard and soft coal, an' + Gen'ral Otis—an' there's a man that I rayspict,' he says. 'I see + flowers bloomin' that was superyor to anny conservatory in Poolasky + county,' he says. 'I see th' low and vicious inhabitants iv th' counthry + soon, I thrust, to be me fellow-citizens, an' as I set there an' watched + th' sea rollin' up its uncounted millyons iv feet iv blue wather, an' th' + stars sparklin' like lamp-posts we pass in th' night, as I see th' + mountains raisin' their snow-capped heads f'r to salute th' sun, while + their feet extinded almost to th' place where I shtud; whin I see all th' + glories iv that almost, I may say, thropical clime, an' thought what a + good place this wud be f'r to ship base-burnin' parlor stoves, an' men's + shirtings to th' accursed natives iv neighborin' Chiny, I says to mesilf, + 'This is no mere man's wurruk. A Higher Power even than Mack, much as I + rayspict him, is in this here job. We cannot pause, we cannot hesitate, we + cannot delay, we cannot even stop! We must, in other wurruds, go on with a + holy purpose in our hearts, th' flag over our heads an' th' inspired + wurruds iv A. Jeremiah Beveridge in our ears,' he says. An' he set down.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, sir, 'twas a gr-reat speech. 'Twas a speech ye cud waltz to. Even + younger men thin Sinitor Beveridge had niver made grander orations. Th' + throuble is th' sinit is too common f'r such magnificent sintimints; its + too common and its too old. Th' young la-ad comes fr'm home, where's he's + paralyzed th' Lithry Society an' th' Debatin' Club, an' he loads himsilf + up with a speech an' he says to himsilf: 'Whin I begin peggin' ar-round a + few iv these vilets I'll make Ol' Hoar look like confederate money,' an' + th' pa-apers tell that th' Infant Demostheens iv Barry's Junction is about + f'r to revive th oratorical thraditions iv th' sinit an' th' fire + department comes up f'r a week, an' wets down th' capitol buildin'. Th' + speech comes off, they ain't a dhry eye in th' House, an' th' pa-apers + say: 'Where's ye'er Dan'l Webster an' ye'er Champ Clark, now?' An' th' + young man goes away an' has his pitchers took on a kinetoscope. He has a + nice time while it lasts, Hinnissy, but it don't las' long. It don't las' + long. Th' la-ad has th' wind, but it's endurance that counts.” + </p> + <p> + “Th' wise ol' boys with their long whiskers discusses him over th' + sivin-up game, an' says wan iv thim: 'What ye think iv th' kid's speech?' + ''Twas a good speech,' says th' other. 'It carries me back to me own + boyhood days. I made a speech just like that durin' th' Mexican War. Oh, + thim days, thim days! I lead th' ace, Mike.' An' afther awhile th' Boy + Demostheens larns that while he's polishin' off his ipigrams, an' ol' guy, + that spinds all his time sleepin' on a bench, is polishin' him off. Th' + man that sinds seeds to his constitooents lasts longer thin th' wan that + sinds thim flowers iv iloquence, an' though th' hand iv Gawd may be in th' + Ph'lippeen question, it hasn't interfered up to date in th' + sergeant-at-arms question. An' whin th' young man sees this he says, + 'sky,' whin he means 'sky' an' not 'th' jooled canopy iv hiven,' an' he + says, 'Ph'lippeens,' an' not 'th' gloryous isles iv th' Passyfic,' an' + bein' onto th' character iv his fellow-sinitors, he mintions nobody higher + in their prisence thin th' steward iv th' capitol. An' he niver makes a + speech but whin he wants to smoke, an' thin he moves that th' sinit go + into executive session. Thin he's a rale sinitor. I've seen it manny's th' + time—th' boy orator goin' into th' sinit, an' comin' out a deef + mute. I've seen a man that made speeches that was set to music an' played + be a silver cornet band in Ioway that hadn't been in Congress f'r a month + befure he wudden't speak above a whisper or more thin an inch fr'm ye'er + ear.” + </p> + <p> + “Do ye think Hiven sint us to th' Ph'lippeens?” Mr. Hennessy asked. + </p> + <p> + “I don't know,” said Mr. Dooley, “th' divvle take thim.” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0019" id="link2H_4_0019"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + PUBLIC GRATITUDE + </h2> + <p> + “This man Dewey—,” began Mr. Dooley. + </p> + <p> + “I thought he was ye'er cousin George,” Mr. Hennessy interrupted. + </p> + <p> + “I thought he was,” said Mr. Dooley, “but on lookin' closer at his + features an' r-readin' what th' pa-apers says about him, I am convinced + that I was wrong. Oh, he may be a sicond cousin iv me Aunt Judy. I'll not + say he ain't. There was a poor lot, all iv them. But I have no close + rilitives in this counthry. 'Tis a way I have of savin' a little money. + I'm like th' good an' gr-rateful American people. Th' further ye stay away + fr'm thim th' more they like ye. Sicond-cousin-iv-me Aunt-Judy-George made + a mistake comin' home, or if he did come home he ought've invistigated his + welcome and see that it wasn't mined. A man cud stand up all day an' lave + Packy Mountjoy whale away at him, but th' affiction iv th' American people + is always aimed thrue an' is invaryably fatal.” + </p> + <p> + “Th' la-ad Dougherty was in to-day, an' he exprissed th' feelin's iv this + grateful raypublic. He says, says he, 'This fellow Dewey ain't what I + thought he was,' he says. 'I thought he was a good, broad, lib'ral man, + an' it turns out he's a cheap skate,' he says. 'We made too much fuss over + him,' he says. 'To think,' he says, 'iv him takin' th' house we give him + an' tur-rnin' it over to his wife,' he says. ''Tis scand'lous,' he says. + 'How much did ye con-thribute?' says I. 'I didn't give annything,' he says + 'The collector didn't come around, an' I'm glad now I hung on to me coin,' + he says. 'Well,' says I, 'I apprechate ye'er feelin's,' I says. 'Ye agree + with th' other subscribers,' I says. 'But I've med up me mind not to lave + annywan talk to me about Dewey,' I says, 'unless,' I says, 'he subscribed + th' maximum amount iv th' subscription,' I says, 'thirty-eight cints,' I + says. 'So I'll thank ye to tip-toe out,' I says, 'befure I give ye a + correct imitation iv Dewey an' Mountjoy at th' battle of Manila,' I says. + An' he wint away.” + </p> + <p> + “Th' throuble with Dewey is he was so long away he lost his undherstanding + iv th' thrue feelin' iv th' American people. George r-read th' newspapers, + an' he says to himself: 'Be hivins, they think well iv what I done. I + guess I'll put a shirt in me thrunk an' go home, f'r 'tis hot out here, + an' ivrybody'll be glad f'r to see me,' he says. An' he come along, an' + New York was r-ready f'r him. Th' business in neckties had been poor that + summer, an' they was necessity f'r pullin' it together, an' they give + George a welcome an' invited his admirers fr'm th' counthry to come in an' + buy something f'r th' little wans at home. An' he r-rode up Fifth Avnoo + between smilin' rows iv hotels an' dhrug stores, an' tin-dollar boxes an' + fifty-cint seats an' he says to himsilf: 'Holy smoke, if Aggynaldoo cud + on'y see me now.' An' he was proud an' happy, an' he says: 'Raypublics + ar-re not always ongrateful.' An' they ain't. On'y whin they give ye much + gratichood ye want to freeze some iv it, or it won't keep.” + </p> + <p> + “'Tis unsafe f'r anny man alive to receive th' kind wurruds that ought to + be said on'y iv th' dead. As long as George was a lithograph iv himsilf in + a saloon window he was all r-right. Whin people saw he cud set in a city + hall hack without flowers growin' in it an' they cud look at him without + smoked glasses they begin to weaken in their devotion. 'Twud've been th' + same, almost, if he'd married a Presbyteeryan an' hadn't deeded his house + to his wife. 'Dewey don't look much like a hero,' says wan man. 'I shud + say not,' says another. 'He looks like annybody else.' 'He ain't a hero,' + says another. 'Why, annybody cud've done what he did. I got an + eight-year-old boy, an' if he cudden't take a baseball club an' go in an' + bate that Spanish fleet into junk in twinty minyits I'd call him Alger an' + thrade him off f'r a bicycle,' he says. 'I guess that's r-right. They say + he was a purty tough man befure he left Wash'n'ton.' 'Sure he was. Why, + so-an'-so-an'-so-an'-so.' 'Ye don't tell me!' 'Is there annything in that + story about his beatin' his poor ol' aunt an' her iliven childher out iv + four dollars?' 'I guess that's straight. Ye can tell be th' looks iv him + he's a mean man. I niver see a man with squintin' eyes an' white hair that + wudden't rob a church!' 'He's a cow'rd, too. Why, he r-run away at th' + battle iv Manila. Ivrybody knows it. I r-read what Joe What's-His-Name + wrote—th' br-rave corryspondint. He says this feller was sick at his + stummick an' retired befure th' Spanish fire. Why, what'd he have to fight + but a lot iv ol' row-boats? A good swimmer with sharp teeth cud've bit his + way through th' whole Spanish fleet. An' he r-run away. I tell ye, it + makes me tired to think iv th' way we abused th' Spanyards not long ago. + Why, say, they done a lot betther thin this fellow Dewey, with his forty + or fifty men-iv-war an' this gran' nation, miles away, standin' shoulder + to shoulder at his back. They niver tur-rned over their property to their + wives.' 'Yes,' says wan man, 'Dewey was a cow'rd. Let's go an' stone his + house.' 'No,' says the crowd, 'he might come out. Let's go down to th' + v'riety show an' hiss his pitcher in th' kinetoscope.' Well!'” + </p> + <p> + “Well what?” demanded Mr. Hennessy. + </p> + <p> + “Well,” Mr. Dooley continued, “I was on'y goin' to say, Hinnissy, that in + spite iv me hathred iv George as a man—a marrid man—an' me + contimpt f'r his qualities as a fighter, in spite iv th' chickens he has + stole an' the notes he has forged an' th' homes he has rooned, if he was + to come r-runnin' up Archey road, as he might, pursooed be ladies an' + gintlemen an' th' palajeem iv our liberties peltin him with rotten eggs + an' ol' cats, I'd open th' dure f'r him, an' whin he come in I'd put me + fut behind it an' I'd say to th' grateful people: 'Fellow-citizens,' I'd + say, 'lave us,' I'd say. 'They'se another hero down in Halstead Sthreet + that's been marrid. Go down an' shivaree him. An' you, me thrusted + collagues iv th' press, disperse to ye'er homes,' I'd say. 'Th' keyholes + is closed f'r th' night, I'd say. An' thin I'd bolt th' dure an' I'd say, + 'George, take off ye'er coat an' pull up to th' fire. Here's a noggin' iv + whisky near ye'er thumb an' a good seegar f'r ye to smoke. I'm no + hero-worshiper. I'm too old. But I know a man whin I see wan, an' though + we cudden't come out an' help ye whin th' subscription list wint wild, be + sure we think as much iv ye as we did whin ye'er name was first mintioned + be th' stanch an' faithful press. Set here, ol' la-ad, an' warrum ye'er + toes by th' fire. Set here an' r-rest fr'm th' gratichood iv ye'er + fellow-counthrymen, that, as Shakspere says, biteth like an asp an' + stingeth like an adder. R-rest here, as ye might r-rest at th' hearth iv + millyons iv people that cud give ye no house but their own!” + </p> + <p> + “I dinnaw about that,” said Mr. Hennessy. “I like Dewey, but I think he + oughtn't to've give away th' gift iv th' nation.” + </p> + <p> + “Well,” said Mr. Dooley, “if 'twas a crime f'r an American citizen to have + his property in his wife's name they'd be close quarthers in th' + pinitinchry.” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0020" id="link2H_4_0020"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + MARRIAGE AND POLITICS + </h2> + <p> + “I see,” said Mr. Hennessy, “that wan iv thim New York joods says a man in + pollytics oughtn't to be marrid.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, does he?” said Mr. Dooley. + </p> + <p> + “Well, 'tis little he knows about it. A man in pollytics has got to be + marrid. If he ain't marrid where'll he go f'r another kind iv throuble? + An' where'll he find people to support? An unmarrid man don't get along in + pollytics because he don't need th' money. Whin he's in th' middle iv a + prim'ry, with maybe twinty or thirty iv th' opposite party on top iv him, + thinks he to himsilf: 'What's th' good iv fightin' f'r a job? They'se no + wan depindant on me f'r support,' an' he surrinders. But a marrid man + says: 'What'll happen to me wife an' twelve small childher if I don't win + out here today?' an' he bites his way to th' top iv th' pile an' breaks + open th' ballot box f'r home and fireside. That's th' thruth iv it, + Hinnissy. Ye'll find all th' big jobs held be marrid men an' all th' + timpry clerkships be bachelors.” + </p> + <p> + “Th' reason th' New York jood thinks marrid men oughtn't to be in + pollytics is because he thinks pollytics is spoort. An' so it is. But it + ain't amachoor spoort, Hinnissy. They don't give ye a pewter mug with + ye'er name on it f'r takin' a chanst on bein' kilt. 'Tis a profissional + spoort, like playin' base-ball f'r a livin' or wheelin' a thruck. Ye niver + see an amachoor at annything that was as good as a profissional. Th' best + amachoor ball team is beat be a bad profissional team; a profissional + boxer that thrains on bock beer an' Swiss cheese can lam the head off a + goold medal amachoor champeen that's been atin' moldy bread an' dhrinkin' + wather f'r six months, an' th' Dago that blows th' cornet on th' sthreet + f'r what annywan 'll throw him can cut the figure eight around Dinnis + Finn, that's been takin' lessons f'r twinty year. No, sir, pollytics ain't + dhroppin' into tea, an' it ain't wurrukin' a scroll saw, or makin' a + garden in a back yard. 'Tis gettin' up at six o'clock in th' mornin' an' + r-rushin' off to wurruk, an' comin' home at night tired an' dusty. Double + wages f'r overtime an' Sundahs.” + </p> + <p> + “So a man's got to be marrid to do it well. He's got to have a wife at + home to make him oncomfortable if he comes in dhrunk, he's got to have + little prattlin' childher that he can't sind to th' Young Ladies' academy + onless he stuffs a ballotbox properly, an' he's got to have a sthrong + desire f'r to live in th' av'noo an' be seen dhrivin' downtown in an open + carredge with his wife settin' beside him undher a r-red parasol. If he + hasn't these things he won't succeed in pollytics—or packin' pork. + Ye niver see a big man in pollytics that dhrank hard, did ye? Ye never + will. An' that's because they're all marrid. Th' timptation's sthrong, but + fear is sthronger.” + </p> + <p> + “Th' most domestic men in th' wurruld ar-re politicians, an' they always + marry early. An' that's th' sad part iv it, Hinnissy. A pollytician always + marries above his own station. That's wan sign that he'll be a successful + pollytician. Th' throuble is, th' good woman stays planted just where she + was, an' he goes by like a fast thrain by a whistlin' station. D'ye mind + O'Leary, him that's a retired capitalist now, him that was aldherman, an' + dhrainage thrustee, an' state sinitor f'r wan term? Well, whin I first + knew O'Leary he wurruked down on a railroad section tampin' th' thrack at + wan-fifty a day. He was a sthrong, willin' young fellow, with a stiff + right-hand punch an' a schamin' brain, an' anny wan cud see that he was + intinded to go to th' fr-ront. Th' aristocracy iv th' camp was Mrs. + Cassidy, th' widdy lady that kept th' boordin'-house. Aristocracy, + Hinnissy, is like rale estate, a matther iv location. I'm aristocracy to + th' poor O'Briens back in th' alley, th' brewery agent's aristocracy to + me, his boss is aristocracy to him, an' so it goes, up to the czar of + Rooshia. He's th' pick iv th' bunch, th' high man iv all, th' Pope not + goin' in society. Well, Mrs. Cassidy was aristocracy to O'Leary. He niver + see such a stylish woman as she was whin she turned out iv a Sundah + afthernoon in her horse an' buggy. He'd think to himsilf, 'If I iver can + win that I'm settled f'r life,' an' iv coorse he did. 'Twas a gran' + weddin'; manny iv th' guests didn't show up at wurruk f'r weeks.” + </p> + <p> + “O'Leary done well, an' she was a good wife to him. She made money an' + kept him sthraight an' started him for constable. He won out, bein' a + sthrong man. Thin she got him to r-run f'r aldher-man, an' ye shud've seen + her th' night he was inaugurated! Be hivins, Hinnissy, she looked like a + fire in a pawnshop, fair covered with dimons an' goold watches an' chains. + She was cut out to be an aldherman's wife, and it was worth goin' miles to + watch her leadin' th' gran' march at th' Ar-rchy Road Dimmycratic Fife an' + Dhrum Corps ball.” + </p> + <p> + “But there she stopped. A good woman an' a kind wan, she cudden't go th' + distance. She had th' house an' th' childher to care f'r an' her + eddy-cation was through with. They isn't much a woman can learn afther she + begins to raise a fam'ly. But with O'Leary 'twas diffrent. I say 'twas + diff'rent with O'Leary. Ye talk about ye'er colleges, Hinnissy, but + pollytics is th' poor man's college. A la-ad without enough book larnin' + to r-read a meal-ticket, if ye give him tin years iv polly-tical life, has + th' air iv a statesman an' th' manner iv a jook, an' cud take anny job + fr'm dalin' faro bank to r-runnin th' threasury iv th' United States. His + business brings him up again' th' best men iv th' com-munity, an' their + customs an' ways iv speakin' an' thinkin' an robbin' sticks to him. Th' + good woman is at home all day. Th' on'y people she sees is th' childher + an' th' neighbors. While th' good man in a swallow-tail coat is + addhressin' th' Commercial club on what we shud do f'r to reform + pollytics, she's discussin' th' price iv groceries with th' plumber's wife + an' talkin' over th' back fince to the milkman. Thin O'Leary moves up on + th' boolyvard. He knows he'll get along all r-right on th' boolyvard. Th' + men'll say: 'They'se a good deal of rugged common sinse in that O'Leary. + He may be a robber, but they's mighty little that escapes him.' But no wan + speaks to Mrs. O'Leary. No wan asts her opinion about our foreign policy. + She sets day in an' day out behind th' dhrawn curtains iv her three-story + brownstone risidence prayin' that somewan'll come in an' see her, an if + annywan comes she's frozen with fear. An' 'tis on'y whin she slips out to + Ar-rchey r-road an' finds th' plumber's wife, an' sets in th' kitchen over + a cup iv tay, that peace comes to her. By an' by they offer O'Leary th' + nommynation f'r congress. He knows he's fit for it. He's sthronger thin + th' young lawyer they have now. People'll listen to him in Wash'nton as + they do in Chicago. He says: 'I'll take it.' An' thin he thinks iv th' + wife an' they's no Wash'nton f'r him. His pollytical career is over. He + wud niver have been constable if he hadn't marrid, but he might have been + sinitor if he was a widower.” + </p> + <p> + “Mrs. O'Leary was in to see th' Dargans th' other day. 'Ye mus' be very + happy in ye'er gran' house, with Mr. O'Leary doin' so well,' says Mrs. + Dargan. An' th' on'y answer th' foolish woman give was to break down an' + weep on Mrs. Dargan's neck.” + </p> + <p> + “Yet ye say a pollytician oughtn't to get marrid,” said Mr. Hennessy. + </p> + <p> + “Up to a certain point,” said Mr. Dooley, “he must be marrid. Afther that—well, + I on'y say that, though pollytics is a gran' career f'r a man, 'tis a + tough wan f'r his wife.” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0021" id="link2H_4_0021"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + ALCOHOL AS FOOD + </h2> + <p> + “If a man come into this saloon—” Mr. Hennessy was saying. + </p> + <p> + “This ain't no saloon,” Mr. Dooley interrupted. “This is a resthrant.” + </p> + <p> + “A what?” Mr. Hennessy exclaimed. + </p> + <p> + “A resthrant,” said Mr. Dooley. “Ye don't know, Hinnissy, that liquor is + food. It is though. Food—an' dhrink. That's what a doctor says in + the pa-apers, an' another doctor wants th' gover'mint to sind tubs iv th' + stuff down to th' Ph'lipeens. He says 'tis almost issintial that people + shud dhrink in thim hot climates. Th' prespiration don't dhry on thim + afther a hard pursoot iv Aggynaldoo an' th' capture iv Gin'ral Pantaloons + de Garshy; they begin to think iv home an' mother sindin' down th' + lawn-sprinkler to be filled with bock, an' they go off somewhere, an' not + bein' able to dhry thimsilves with dhrink, they want to die. Th' disease + is called nostalgia or home-sickness, or thirst.” + </p> + <p> + “'What we want to do f'r our sojer boys in th' Ph'lipeens besides killin' + thim,' says th' ar-rmy surgeon, 'is make th' place more homelike,' he + says. 'Manny iv our heroes hasn't had th' deleeryum thremens since we + first planted th' stars an' sthripes,' he says, 'an' th' bay'nits among + th' people,' he says. 'I wud be in favor iv havin' th' rigimints get their + feet round wanst a week, at laste,' he says. 'Lave us,' he says, 'reform + th' reg'lations,' he says, 'an' insthruct our sojers to keep their powdher + dhry an' their whistles wet,' he says.” + </p> + <p> + “Th' idee ought to take, Hinnissy, f'r th' other doctor la-ad has + discovered that liquor is food. 'A man,' says he, 'can live f'r months on + a little booze taken fr'm time to time,' he says 'They'se a gr-reat dale + iv nourishment in it,' he says. An' I believe him, f'r manny's th' man I + know that don't think iv eatin' whin he can get a dhrink. I wondher if the + time will iver come whin ye'll see a man sneakin' out iv th' fam'ly + enthrance iv a lunch-room hurridly bitin' a clove! People may get so + they'll carry a light dinner iv a pint iv rye down to their wurruk, an' a + man'll tell ye he niver takes more thin a bottle iv beer f'r breakfast. + Th' cook'll give way to th' bartinder and th' doctor 'll ordher people f'r + to ate on'y at meals. Ye'll r-read in th' pa-apers that 'Anton Boozinski, + while crazed with ham an' eggs thried to kill his wife an' childher.' On + Pathrick's day ye'll see th' Dr. Tanner Anti-Food Fife an' Drum corpse out + at th' head iv th' procession instead iv th' Father Macchews, an' they'll + be places where a man can be took whin he gets th' monkeys fr'm immodhrate + eatin'. Th' sojers 'll complain that th' liquor was unfit to dhrink an' + they'll be inquiries to find out who sold embammin' flood to th' ar-rmy—Poor + people 'll have simple meals—p'raps a bucket iv beer an' a little + crame de mint, an' ye'll r-read in th' pa-apers about a family found + starvin' on th' North side, with nawthin' to sustain life but wan small + bottle iv gin, while th' head iv th' family, a man well known to the + polis, spinds his wages in a low doggery or bakeshop fuddlin' his brains + with custars pie. Th' r-rich 'll inthrajoose novelties. P'raps they'll top + off a fine dinner with a little hasheesh or proosic acid. Th' time'll come + whin ye'll see me in a white cap fryin' a cocktail over a cooksthove, + while a nigger hollers to me: 'Dhraw a stack iv Scotch,' an' I holler + back: 'On th' fire.' Ye will not.” + </p> + <p> + {Illustration} + </p> + <p> + “That's what I thought,” said Mr. Hennessy. + </p> + <p> + “No,” said Mr. Dooley. “Whisky wudden't be so much iv a luxury if'twas + more iv a necissity. I don't believe 'tis a food, though whin me frind + Schwartzmeister makes a cocktail all it needs is a few noodles to look + like a biled dinner. No, whisky ain't food. I think betther iv it thin + that. I wudden't insult it be placin' it on th' same low plane as a + lobster salad. Father Kelly puts it r-right, and years go by without him + lookin' on it even at Hallowe'en. 'Whisky,' says he, 'is called the + divvle, because,' he says, ''tis wan iv the fallen angels,' he says. 'It + has its place,' he says, 'but its place is not in a man's head,' says he. + 'It ought to be th' reward iv action, not th' cause iv it,' he says. 'It's + f'r th' end iv th' day, not th' beginnin',' he says. 'Hot whisky is good + f'r a cold heart, an' no whisky's good f'r a hot head,' he says. 'Th' + minyit a man relies on it f'r a crutch he loses th' use iv his legs. 'Tis + a bad thing to stand on, a good thing to sleep on, a good thing to talk + on, a bad thing to think on. If it's in th' head in th' mornin' it ought + not to be in th' mouth at night. If it laughs in ye, dhrink; if it weeps, + swear off. It makes some men talk like good women, an' some women talk + like bad men. It is a livin' f'r orators an' th' death iv bookkeepers. It + doesn't sustain life, but, whin taken hot with wather, a lump iv sugar, a + piece iv lemon peel, and just th' dustin' iv a nutmeg-grater, it makes + life sustainable.” + </p> + <p> + “D'ye think ye-ersilf it sustains life?” asked Mr. Hennessy. + </p> + <p> + “It has sustained mine f'r many years,” said Mr. Dooley. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0022" id="link2H_4_0022"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + HIGH FINANCE + </h2> + <p> + “I think,” said Mr. Dooley, “I'll go down to th' stock yards an' buy a + dhrove iv Steel an' Wire stock.” + </p> + <p> + “Where wud ye keep it?” asked the unsuspecting Hennessy. + </p> + <p> + “I'll put it out on th' vacant lot,” said Mr. Dooley, “an' lave it grow + fat by atin' ol' bur-rd cages an' tin cans. I'll milk it hard, an' whin + 'tis dhry I'll dispose iv it to th' widdies an' orphans iv th' Sixth Ward + that need household pets. Be hivins, if they give me half a chanst, I'll + be as gr-reat a fi-nanceer as anny man in Wall sthreet. + </p> + <p> + “Th' reason I'm so confident iv th' value iv Steel an' Wire stock, + Hinnissy, is they're goin' to hur-rl th' chairman iv th' comity into jail. + That's what th' pa-apers calls a ray iv hope in th' clouds iv dipression + that've covered th' market so long. 'Tis always a bull argymint. + 'Snowplows common was up two pints this mornin' on th' rumor that th' + prisidint was undher ar-rest.' 'They was a gr-reat bulge in Lobster + preferred caused be th' report that instead iv declarin' a dividend iv + three hundhred per cint. th' comp'ny was preparin' to imprison th' boord + iv directors.' 'We sthrongly ricommind th' purchase iv Con and Founder. + This comp'ny is in ixcillint condition since th' hangin' iv th' comity on + reorganization.'” + </p> + <p> + “What's th' la-ad been doin', Hinnissy? He's been lettin' his frinds in on + th' groun' flure—an' dhroppin' thim into th' cellar. Ye know + Cassidy, over in th' Fifth, him that was in th' ligislachure? Well, sir, + he was a gr-reat frind iv this man. They met down in Springfield whin th' + la-ad had something he wanted to get through that wud protect th' widdies + an' orphans iv th' counthry again their own avarice, an' he must've handed + Cassidy a good argymint, f'r Cassidy voted f'r th' bill, though threatened + with lynchin' be stockholders iv th' rival comp'ny. He come back here so + covered with dimons that wan night whin he was standin' on th' rollin' + mill dock, th' captain iv th' Eliza Brown mistook his shirt front f'r th' + bridge lights an' steered into a soap facthry on th' lee or gas-house + shore.” + </p> + <p> + “Th' man made a sthrong impression on Cassidy. 'Twas: 'As me frind Jawn + says,' or 'I'll ask Jawn about that,' or 'I'm goin' downtown to-day to + find out what Jawn advises.' He used to play a dollar on th' horses or + sivin-up f'r th' dhrinks, but afther he met Jawn he wanted me to put in a + ticker, an' he wud set in here figurin' with a piece iv chalk on how high + Wire'd go if hoopskirts come into fashion again. 'Give me a dhrop iv + whisky,' he says, 'f'r I'm inthrested in Distillers,' he says, 'an' I'd + like to give it a shove,' he says. 'How's Gas?' he says. 'A little weak, + to-day,'” says I. + </p> + <p> + “Twill be sthronger,' he says. 'If it ain't,' says I, 'I'll take out th' + meter an' connect th' pipe with th' ventilator. I might as well bur-rn th' + wind free as buy it,'” I says. + </p> + <p> + “A couple iv weeks ago he see Jawn an' they had a long talk about it. + 'Cassidy,' says Jawn, 'ye've been a good frind iv mine,' he says, 'an' I'd + do annything in the wurruld f'r ye, no matther what it cost ye,' he says. + 'If ye need a little money to tide over th' har-rd times till th' + ligislachure meets again buy'—an' he whispered in Cassidy's ear. + 'But,' he says, 'don't tell annywan. 'Tis a good thing, but I want to keep + it bottled up,'” he says. + </p> + <p> + “Thin Jawn took th' thrain an' begun confidin' his secret to a few select + frinds. He give it to th' conductor on th' thrain, an' th' porther, an' + th' candy butcher; he handed it to a switchman that got on th' platform at + South Bend, an' he stopped off at Detroit long enough to tell about it to + the deepo' policeman. He had a sign painted with th' tip on it an' hung it + out th' window, an' he found a man that carrid a thrombone in a band goin' + over to Buffalo, an' he had him set th' good thing to music an' play it + through th' thrain. Whin he got to New York he stopped at the Waldorf + Asthoria, an' while th' barber was powdhrin' his face with groun' dimons + Jawn tol' him to take th' money he was goin' to buy a policy ticket with + an' get in on th' good thing. He tol' th' bootblack, th' waiter, th' man + at th' news-stand, th' clerk behind th' desk, an' th' bartinder in his + humble abode. He got up a stereopticon show with pitchers iv a + widow-an-orphan befure an' afther wirin', an' he put an advertisement in + all th' pa-apers tellin' how his stock wud make weak men sthrong. He had + th' tip sarved hot in all th' resthrants in Wall sthrcet, an' told it + confidintially to an open-air meetin' in Madison Square. 'They'se + nawthin,' he says, 'that does a tip so much good as to give it + circulation,' he says. 'I think, be this time,' he says, 'all me frinds + knows how to proceed, but—Great Hivins!' he says. 'What have I done? + Whin all the poor people go to get th' stock they won't be anny f'r thim. + I can not lave thim thus in th' lurch. Me reputation as a gintleman an' a + fi-nanceer is at stake,' he says. 'Rather than see these brave people + starvin' at th' dure f'r a morsel iv common or preferred, I'll—I'll + sell thim me own stock,' he says. An' he done it. He done it, Hinnissy, + with unfalthrin' courage an' a clear eye. He sold thim his stock, an' so's + they might get what was left at a raysonable price, he wrote a + confidintial note to th' pa-apers tellin' thim th' stock wasn't worth + thirty cints a cord, an' now, be hivins, they're talkin' iv puttin' him in + a common jail or pinitinchry preferred. Th' ingratichood iv man.” + </p> + <p> + “But what about Cassidy?” Mr. Hennessy asked. + </p> + <p> + “Oh,” said Mr. Dooley, “he was in here las' night. 'How's our old frind + Jawn?' says I. He said nawthin'. 'Have ye seen ye'er collidge chum iv + late?' says I. 'Don't mintion that ma-an's name,' says he. 'To think iv + what I've done f'r him,' he says, 'an' him to throw me down,' he says. + 'Did ye play th' tip?' says I. 'I did,' says he. 'How did ye come out?' + says I. 'I haven't a cint lift but me renommynation f'r th' ligislachure,' + says he. 'Well,' says I, 'Cassidy,' I says, 'ye've been up again what th' + pa-apers call hawt finance,' I says. 'What th' divvle's that?' says he. + 'Well,' says I, 'it ain't burglary, an' it ain't obtainin' money be false + pretinses, an' it ain't manslaughter,' I says. 'It's what ye might call a + judicious seliction fr'm th' best features iv thim ar-rts,' I says. 'T'was + too sthrong f'r me,' he says. 'It was,' says I. 'Ye're about up to simple + thransom climbin', Cassidy,' I says.” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0023" id="link2H_4_0023"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE PARIS EXPOSITION + </h2> + <p> + “If this r-rush iv people to th' Paris exposition keeps up,” said Mr. + Hennessy, “they won't be enough left here f'r to ilict a prisidint.” + </p> + <p> + “They'll be enough left,” said Mr. Dooley. “There always is. No wan has + gone fr'm Arrchey r-road, where th' voters ar-re made. I've looked + ar-round ivry mornin' expectin' to miss some familyar faces. I thought + Dorgan, th' plumber, wud go sure, but he give it up at th' las' moment, + an' will spind his summer on th' dhrainage canal. Th' baseball season 'll + keep a good manny others back, an' a number iv riprisintative cit'zens who + have stock or jobs in th' wire mills have decided that 'tis much betther + to inthrust their savin's to John W. Gates thin to blow thim in again th' + sthreets iv Cairo.” + </p> + <p> + “But takin' it by an' large 'twill be a hard winter f'r th' r-rich. Manny + iv thim will have money enough f'r to return, but they'll be much + sufferin' among thim. I ixpict to have people dhroppin' in here nex' fall + with subscription books f'r th' survivors iv th' Paris exhibition. Th' + women down be th' rollin' mills 'll be sewin' flannels f'r th' disthressed + millyonaires, an' whin th' childher kick about th' food ye'll say, + Hinnissy, 'Just think iv th' poor wretches in th' Lake Shore dhrive an' + thank Gawd f'r what ye have.' Th' mayor 'll open soup kitchens where th' + unforchnit people can come an' get a hearty meal an' watch th' ticker, an' + whin th' season grows hard, ye'll see pinched an' hungry plutocrats + thrampin' th' sthreets with signs r-readin': 'Give us a cold bottle or we + perish.' Perhaps th' polis 'll charge thim an' bust in their stovepipe + hats, th' prisidint 'll sind th' ar-rmy here, a conspiracy 'll be + discovered at th' club to blow up th' poorhouse, an' volunteers 'll be + called on fr'm th' nickel bed houses to protect th' vested inthrests iv + established poverty.” + </p> + <p> + “'Twill be a chanst f'r us to get even, Hinnissy. I'm goin' to organize + th' Return Visitin' Nurses' association, composed entirely iv victims iv + th' parent plant. 'Twill be worth lookin' at to see th' ladies fr'm th' + stock yards r-rushin' into some wretched home down in Peerary avenue, + grabbin' th' misthress iv th' house be th' shouldhers an' makin' her + change her onhealthy silk dhress f'r a pink wrapper, shovelin' in a little + ashes to sprinkle on th' flure, breakin' th' furniture an' rollin' th' + baby in th' coal box. What th' r-rich needs is intilligint attintion. + 'Don't ate that oatmeal. Fry a nice piece iv r-round steak with onions, + give th' baby th' bone to play with, an' sind Lucille Ernestine acrost th' + railroad thrack f'r a nickel's worth iv beer. Thin ye'll be happy, me good + woman.' Oh, 'twill be gran'. I won't give annything to people that come to + th' dure. More har-m is done be indiscriminate charity than anny wan + knows, Hinnissy. Half th' bankers that'll come to ye-er kitchen nex' + winter cud find plenty iv wurruk to do if they really wanted it. Dhrink + an' idleness is th' curse iv th' class. If they come to me I'll sind thim + to th' Paris Survivors' Mechanical Relief Association, an' they can go + down an' set on a cake iv ice an' wait till th' man in charge finds thim a + job managin' a diamond mine.” + </p> + <p> + {Illustration} + </p> + <p> + Mr. Hennessy dismissed Mr. Dooley's fancy sketch with a grin and remarked: + “These here expositions is a gran' thing f'r th' progress iv th' wurruld.” + </p> + <p> + “Ye r-read that in th' pa-apers,” said Mr. Dooley, “an' it isn't so. Put + it down fr'm me, Hinnissy, that all expositions is a blind f'r th' + hootchy-kootchy dance. They'll be some gr-reat exhibits at th' Paris fair. + Th' man that has a machine that'll tur-rn out three hundhred thousan' + toothpicks ivry minyit'll sind over his inthrestin' device, they'll be + mountains iv infant food an' canned prunes, an' pickle casters, an' pants, + an' boots, an' shoes an' paintin's. They'll be all th' wondhers iv modhern + science. Ye can see how shirts ar-re made, an' what gives life to th' sody + fountain. Th' man that makes th' glue that binds 'll be wearin' more + medals thin an officer iv th' English ar-rmy or a cinchry bicycle rider, + an' years afther whin ye see a box iv soap ye'll think iv th' manufacthrer + standin' up befure a hundhred thousan' frinzied Fr-rinchmen in th' Boss du + Boloney while th' prisidint iv th' Fr-rinch places a goold wreath on his + fair brow an' says: 'In th' name iv th' ar-rts an' science, undher th' + motto iv our people, “Libertinity, insanity, an' frugality,” I crown ye + th' champeen soapmaker iv th' wurruld. {Cheers.} Be ye'er magnificint + invintion ye have dhrawn closer th' ties between Paris an' Goshen, + Indyanny {frantic applause}, which I hope will niver be washed away. I + wish ye much success as ye climb th' lather iv fame.' Th' invintor is thin + dhrawn ar-roun' th' sthreets iv Paris in a chariot pulled be eight white + horses amid cries iv 'Veev Higgins,' 'Abase Castile,' et cethra, fr'm th' + populace. An' manny a heart beats proud in Goshen that night. That's th' + way ye think iv it, but it happens diff'rent, Hinnissy. Th' soap king, th' + prune king, an' th' porous plaster king fr'm here won't stir up anny + tumult in Paris this year. Th' chances ar-re th' prisidint won't know + they're there, an' no wan'll speak to thim but a cab dhriver, an' he'll + say: 'Th' fare fr'm th' Changs All Easy to th' Roo de Roo is eighteen + thousan' francs, but I'll take ye there f'r what ye have in ye-er + pockets.'” + </p> + <p> + “The millyonaire that goes over there to see th' piled up riches iv th' + wurruld in sausage-makin' 'll take a look ar-round him an' he'll say to + th' first polisman he meets: 'Gossoon, this is a fine show an' I know yon + palace is full to th' seams with chiny-ware an' washtubs, but wud ye be so + kind, mong brav', as to p'int out with ye-er club th' partic'lar house + where th' houris fr'm th' sultan's harem dances so well without the aid iv + th' human feet?' I know how it was whin we had th' fair here. I had th' + best intintions in th' wurruld to find out what I ought to have larned + fr'm me frind Armour, how with th' aid iv Gawdgiven machinery ye can make + a bedstead, a pianola, a dozen whisk-brooms, a barrel iv sour mash whisky, + a suit iv clothes, a lamp chimbly, a wig, a can iv gunpowdher, a bah'rl iv + nails, a prisidintial platform, an' a bur-rdcage out iv what remains iv + th' cow-I was detarmined to probe into th' wondhers iv science, an' I + started fair f'r th' machinery hall. Where did I bring up, says ye? In th' + fr-ront seat iv a playhouse with me eye glued on a lady iv th' sultan's + coort, near Brooklyn bridge, thryin' to twisht out iv hersilf.” + </p> + <p> + “No, Hinnissy, they'll be manny things larned be Americans that goes to + Paris, but they won't be about th' 'convarsion iv boots into food, or + vicey varsa,' as Hogan says. An' that's r-right. If I wint over there 'tis + little time I'd be spindin' thryin' to discover how th' wondhers iv + mechanical janius are projooced that makes livin' so much more healthy an' + oncomfortable. But whin I got to Paris I'd hire me a hack or a dhray + painted r-red, an' I'd put me feet out th' sides an' I'd say to th' + dhriver: 'Rivolutionist, pint ye-er horse's head to'rds th'home iv th' + skirt dance, hit him smartly, an' go to sleep. I will see th' snow-plow + show an' th' dentisthry wurruk in th' pa-apers. F'r th' prisint I'll + devote me attintion to makin' a noise in th' sthreets an' studyin' human + nature.'” + </p> + <p> + “Ye'd be a lively ol' buck over there,” said Mr. Hennessy, admiringly. + '“Tis a good thing ye can't go.” + </p> + <p> + “It is so,” said Mr. Dooley. “I'm glad I have no millyonaire rilitives to + be depindent on me f'r support whin th' show's over.” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0024" id="link2H_4_0024"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHRISTIAN JOURNALISM + </h2> + <p> + “I see,” said Mr. Dooley, “that th' la-ad out in Kansas that thried to + r-run a paper like what th' Lord wud r-run if he had lived in Topeka, has + thrun up th' job.” + </p> + <p> + “Sure, I niver heerd iv him,” said Mr. Hennessy. + </p> + <p> + “Well, 'twus this way with him,” Mr. Dooley explained. “Ye see, he didn't + like th' looks iv th' newspapers. He got tired iv r-readin' how many rows + iv plaits Mrs. Potther Pammer had on th' las' dhress she bought, an' + whether McGovern oughtn't to go into th' heavy-weight class an' fight + Jeffries, an' he says, says th' la-ad, 'This is no right readin' f'r th' + pure an' passionless youth iv Kansas,' he says. 'Give me,' he says, 'a + chanst an' I'll projooce th' kind iv organ that'd be got out in hiven,' he + says, 'price five cints a copy,' he says, 'f'r sale be all newsdealers; + f'r advertisin' rates consult th' cashier,' he says. So a man in Topeka + that had a newspaper, he says: 'I will not be behindhand,' he says, 'in + histin' Kansas up fr'm its prisint low an' irrellijous position,' he says. + 'I don't know how th' inhabitants iv th' place ye refer to is fixed,' he + says, 'f'r newspapers,' he says, 'an' I niver heerd iv annybody fr'm + Kansas home-stakin' there,' he says, 'but if ye'll attind to th' + circulation iv thim parts,' he says, 'I'll see that th' paper is properly + placed in th' hands iv th' vile an' wicked iv this earth, where,' he says, + 'th' returns ar-re more quick,' he says.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, th' la-ad wint at it, an' 'twas a fine paper he made. Hogan was in + here th' other day with a copy iv it an' I r-read it. I haven't had such a + lithry threat since I was a watchman on th' canal f'r a week with nawthin' + to r-read but th' delinquent tax list an' the upper half iv a weather map. + 'Twas gran'. Th' editor, it seems, Hinnissy, wint into th' editoryal rooms + iv th' pa-aper an' he gathered th' force around him fr'm their reg'lar + jobs in th' dhrug stores, an' says he, 'Gintlemen,' he says, 'tell me + ye'er plans f'r to enoble this here Christyan publication f'r to-day!' he + says. 'Well,' says th' horse rayporther, 'they's a couple iv rabbits goin' + to sprint around th' thrack at th' fair groun's,' he says. I think 'twud + be a good thing f'r rellijon if ye'd lind me tin that I might br-reak th' + sin-thralled bookys that come down here fr'm Kansas City f'r to skin th' + righteous,' he says. 'No,' says th' editor, he says, 'no horse racin' in + this paper,' he says. ''Tis th' roonation iv th' young, an' ye can't beat + it,' he says. 'An' you, fair-haired youth,' he says, 'what d'ye do that + makes ye'er color so good an' ye'er eye so bright?' 'I,' says th' la-ad, + 'am th' boy that writes th' fightin' dope,' he says. 'They'se a couple iv + good wans on at th' op'ra house to-night, an' if his Spiklets don't + tin-can 'tis like findin' money in an ol' coat that—' 'Fightin',' + says th' editor, 'is a crool an' onchristyan spoort,' he says. 'Instead iv + chroniclin' th' ruffyanism iv these misguided wretches that weigh in at + th' ringside at 125 poun's, an' I see in a pa-aper I r-read in a barber + shop th' other day that Spike's gone away back—what's that I'm + sayin'? Niver mind. D'ye go down to th' home iv th' Rivrind Aloysius + Augustus Morninbinch an'interview him on th' question iv man's + co-operation with grace in conversion. Make a nice chatty article about it + an' I'll give ye a copy iv wan iv me books.' 'I will,' says th' la-ad, 'if + he don't swing on me,' he says. The editor thin addhressed th' staff. + 'Gintlemen,' he says, 'I find that th' wurruk ye've been accustomed to + doin',' he says, 'is calc'lated f'r to disthroy th' morality an' debase + th' home life iv Topeka, not to mintion th' surroundin' methrolopuses iv + Valencia, Wanamaker, Sugar Works, Paxico an' Snokomo,' he says. 'Th' + newspaper, instead iv bein' a pow'rful agent f'r th' salvation iv mankind, + has become something that they want to r-read,' he says. 'Ye can all go + home,' he says. 'I'll stay here an' write th' paper mesilf,' he says. 'I'm + th' best writer ar-round here, annyhow, an' I'll give thim something + that'll prepare thim f'r death,' he says. + </p> + <p> + “An' he did, Hinnissy, he did. 'Twas a gran' paper. They was an article on + sewerage an' wan on prayin' f'r rain, an' another on muni-cipal ownership + iv gas tanks, an' wan to show that they niver was a good milker ownded be + a pro-fane man. They was pomes, too, manny iv thim, an' fine wans: 'Th' + Man with th' Shovel,' 'Th' Man with th' Pick, 'Th' Man with th' + Cash-Raygisther,' 'Th' Man with th' Snow Plow,' 'Th' Man with th' Bell + Punch,' 'Th' Man with th' Skate,' 'Th' Man with No Kick Comin'.' Fine + pothry, th' editor askin' who pushed this here man's forehead back an' + planed down his chin, who made him wear clothes that didn't fit him and + got him a job raisin' egg-plant f'r th' monno-polists in Topeka at a + dollar a day. A man in th' editor's position ought to know, but he didn't, + so he ast in th'pomes. An' th' advertisin', Hinnissy! I'd be scandalized + f'r to go back readin' th' common advertisin' in th' vile daily press + about men's pantings, an' DoesannyoneknowwhereIcangeta biscuit, an' In th' + spring a young man's fancy lightly turns to Pocohontas plug, not made be + th' thrusts. Th' editor left thim sacrilegious advertisements f'r his + venal contimp'raries. His was pious an' nice: 'Do ye'er smokin' in this + wurruld. Th' Christyan Unity Five-Cint See-gar is made out iv th' finest + grades iv excelsior iver projooced in Kansas!' 'Nebuchednezzar grass seed, + f'r man an' beast.' 'A handful iv meal in a barrel an' a little ile in a + curse. Swedenborgian bran fried in kerosene makes th' best breakfast dish + in th' wurruld.' 'Twus nice to r-read. It made a man feel as if he was in + church—asleep.” + </p> + <p> + “How did th'pa-aper sthrike th' people?” says ye. “Oh, it sthruck thim + good. Says th' Topeka man, skinnin' over th' gossip about Christyan + citizenship an' th' toolchest iv pothry: 'Eliza, here's a good paper, a + fine wan, f'r ye an' th' childher. Sind Tommy down to th' corner an' get + me a copy iv th' Polis Gazette.'” + </p> + <p> + “Ye see, Hinnissy, th' editor wint to th' wrong shop f'r what Hogan calls + his inspiration. Father Kelly was talkin' it over with me, an' says he: + 'They ain't anny news in bein' good. Ye might write th' doin's iv all th' + convents iv th' wurruld on th' back iv a postage stamp, an' have room to + spare. Supposin' ye took out iv a newspaper all th' murdhers, an' + suicides, an' divorces, an elopements, an' fires, an' disease, an' war, + an' famine,' he says, 'ye wudden't have enough left to keep a man busy + r-readin' while he rode ar-roun' th' block on th' lightnin' express. No,' + he says, 'news is sin an' sin is news, an' I'm worth on'y a line + beginnin': “Kelly, at the parish-house, April twinty-sicond, in th' + fiftieth year iv his age,” an' pay f'r that, while Scanlan's bad boy is + good f'r a column anny time he goes dhrunk an' thries to kill a polisman. + A rellijious newspaper? None iv thim f'r me. I want to know what's goin' + on among th' murdher an' burglary set. Did ye r-read it?' he says. 'I + did,' says I. 'What did ye think iv it?' says he. 'I know,' says I, 'why + more people don't go to church,' says I.” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0025" id="link2H_4_0025"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE ADMIRAL'S CANDIDACY + </h2> + <p> + “I see,” said Mr. Hennessy, “that Dewey is a candydate f'r prisidint.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, sir,” said Mr. Dooley, “I hope to hiven he won't get it. No + rilitive iv mine iver held a pollytical job barrin' mesilf. I was precint + captain, an' wan iv th' best they was in thim days, if I do say so that + shudden't. I was called Cap f'r manny years aftherward, an' I'd've joined + th' Gr-rand Army iv th' Raypublic if it hadn't been f'r me poor feet. + Manny iv me rilitives has been candydates, but they niver cud win out + again th' r-rest iv th' fam'ly. 'Tis so with Cousin George. I'm again him. + I've been a rayspictable saloon-keeper f'r forty years in this ward, an' + I'll not have th' name dhragged into pollytics.” + </p> + <p> + “Iv coorse, I don't blame Cousin George. I'm with him f'r annything else + in th' gift iv th' people, fr'm a lovin'-cup to a house an' lot. He don't + mean annything be it. Did ye iver see a sailor thryin' to ride a horse? + 'Tis a comical sight. Th' reason a sailor thries to ride a horse is + because he niver r-rode wan befure. If he knew annything about it he + wouldn't do it. So be Cousin George. Afther he'd been over here awhile an' + got so 'twas safe f'r him to go out without bein' torn to pieces f'r + soovenirs or lynched be a mob, he took a look ar-round him an' says he to + a polisman: 'What's th' governmint iv this counthry?' 'Tis a raypublic,' + says th' polisman. 'What's th' main guy called?' says George. 'He's called + prisidint,' says th' polisman. 'Is it a good job?' says Cousin George. + ''Tis betther thin thravelin' beat,' says th' bull. 'What's th' la-ad's + name that's holdin' it now?' says Cousin George. 'Mack,' says th' cop. + 'Irish?' says George. 'Cross,' says th' elbow. 'Where fr'm?' says George. + 'Ohio,' says the peeler. 'Where's that?' says George. 'I dinnaw,' says th' + bull. An' they parted th' best iv frinds.” + </p> + <p> + “'Well,'” says George to himsilf, “'I guess I'll have to go up an' have a + look at this la-ad's place,' he says, 'an' if it looks good,' he says, + 'p'raps I cud nail it,' he says. An' he goes up an' sees Mack dictatin' + his Porther Rickyan policy to a kinetoscope, an' it looks like a nice + employmint f'r a spry man, an' he goes back home an' sinds f'r a + rayporther, an' says he: 'I always believe since I got home in dealin' + frankly with th' press. I haven't seen manny papers since I've been at + sea, but whin I was a boy me father used to take the Montpelier Paleejum. + 'Twas r-run be a man be th' name iv Horse Clamback. He was quite a man + whin sober. Ye've heerd iv him, no doubt. But what I ast ye up here f'r + was to give ye a item that ye can write up in ye'er own way an' hand to + th' r-rest iv th' boys. I'm goin' to be prisidint. I like th' looks iv the + job an' nobody seems to care f'r it, an' I've got so blame tired since I + left th' ship that if I don't have somethin' to do I'll go crazy,' he + says. 'I wisht ye'd make a note iv it an' give it to th' other papers,' he + says. 'Ar-re ye a raypublican or a dimmycrat?' says the rayporter. 'What's + that?' says Cousin George. 'D'ye belong to th' raypublican or th' + dimmycrat party?' 'What ar-re they like?' says Cousin George. 'Th' + raypublicans ar-re in favor iv expansion.' 'Thin I'm a raypublican.' 'Th' + dim-mycrats ar-re in favor iv free thrade.' 'Thin I'm a dimmycrat.' 'Th' + raypublicans ar-re f'r upholdin' th' goold standard.' 'So'm I. I'm a + raypublican there.' 'An' they're opposed to an income tax.' 'On that,' + says Cousin George, 'I'm a dimmycrat. I tell ye, put me down as a + dimmycrat. Divvle th' bit I care. Just say I'm a dimmycrat with sthrong + raypublican leanings. Put it this way: I'm a dimmycrat, be a point + raypublican, dimmycrat. Anny sailor man'll undherstand that.' 'What'll I + say ye'er platform is?' 'Platform?' 'Ye have to stand on a platform.' 'I + do, do I? Well, I don't. I'll stand on no platform, an' I'll hang on no + sthrap. What d'ye think th'prisidincy is—a throlley car? No, sir, + whin ye peek in th' dure to sell ye'er paper ye'll see ye'er Uncle George + settin' down comfortable with his legs crossed, thrippin' up annywan that + thries to pass him. Go out now an' write ye'er little item, f'r 'tis late + an' all hands ar-re piped to bed,' he says.” + </p> + <p> + “An' there ye ar-re. Well, sir, 'tis a hard year Cousin George has in + store f'r him. Th' first thing he knows he'll have to pay f'r havin' his + pitchers in th' pa-aper. Thin he'll larn iv siv'ral prevyous convictions + in Vermont. Thin he'll discover that they was no union label on th' goods + he delivered at Manila. 'Twill be pointed out be careful observers that he + was ilicted prisidint iv th' A. P. A. be th' Jesuits. Thin somewan'll dig + up that story about his not feelin' anny too well th' mornin' iv th' + fight, an' ye can imajine th' pitchers they'll print, an' th' jokes + that'll be made, an' th' songs: 'Dewey Lost His Appetite at th' Battle iv + Manila. Did McKinley Iver Lose His?' An' George'll wake up th' mornin' + afther iliction an' he'll have a sore head an' a sorer heart, an' he'll + find that th' on'y support he got was fr'm th' goold dimmycratic party, + an' th' chances ar-re he caught cold fr'm goin' out without his shawl an' + cudden't vote. He'll find that a man can be r-right an' be prisidint, but + he can't be both at th' same time. An' he'll go down to breakfast an' + issue Gin'ral Ordher Number Wan, 'To All Superyor Officers Commandin' + Admirals iv th' United States navy at home or on foreign service: If anny + man mintions an admiral f'r prisidint, hit him in th' eye an' charge same + to me.' An' thin he'll go to his office an' prepare a plan f'r to capture + Dublin, th' capital iv England, whin th' nex' war begins. An' he'll spind + th' r-rest iv his life thryin' to live down th' time he was a candydate.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, be hivins, I think if Dewey says he's a dimmycrat an' Joyce is with + him, I'll give him a vote,” said Mr. Hennessy. “It's no sin to be a + candydate f'r prisidint.” + </p> + <p> + “No,” said Mr. Dooley. “Tis sometimes a misfortune an' sometimes a joke. + But I hope ye won't vote f'r him. He might be ilicted if ye did. I'd like + to raymimber him, an' it might be I cudden't if he got th' job. Who was + the prisidint befure Mack? Oh, tubby sure!” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0026" id="link2H_4_0026"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CUSTOMS OF KENTUCKY + </h2> + <p> + “Well, sir,” said Mr. Dooley, “'tis good to see that th' gloryous ol' + commonwealth iv Kentucky is itsilf again.” + </p> + <p> + “How's that?” asked Mr. Hennessy. + </p> + <p> + “F'r some time past,” said Mr. Dooley, “they's been nawthin' doin' that'd + make a meetin' iv th' Epworth League inthrestin'. Th' bystanders in + Kentucky has been as safe as a journeyman highwayman in Chicago. Perfectly + innocent an' unarmed men wint into th' state an' come out again without a + bullethole in their backs. It looked f'r awhile as if th' life iv th' + ordn'ry visitor was goin' to be as harmless in Kentucky as in Utah, th' + home iv th' desthroyers iv American domestic life. I dinnaw why it was, + whether it was th' influence iv our new citizens in Cubia an' th' + Ph'lippeens or what it was, but annyhow th' on'y news that come out iv + Kentucky was as peaceful, Hinnissy, as th' rayports iv a bloody battle in + South Africa. But Kentucky, as Hogan says, was not dead but on'y sleepin'. + Th' other day that gran' ol' state woke up through two iv its foremost + rapid firin' citizens.” + </p> + <p> + “They met be chanst in a hotel con-tagious to a bar. Colonel Derringer was + settin' in a chair peacefully fixin' th' hammer iv his forty-four Colt + gun, presinted to him be his constitooents on th' occasion iv his + mim'rable speech on th' nicissity iv spreadin' th' civilization iv th' + United States to th' ends iv th' wur-ruld. Surroundin' him was Major + Bullseye, a well-known lawyer, cattle-raiser an' journalist iv Athens, + Bulger County, whose desthruction iv Captain Cassius Glaucus Wiggins at + th' meetin' iv' th' thrustees in th' Sicond Baptist Church excited so much + comment among spoortin' men three or four years ago, Gin'ral Rangefinder + iv Thebes, Colonel Chivvy iv Sparta, who whittled Major Lycurgus Gam iv + Thermopylae down to th' wishbone at th' anti-polygamist meetin' las' June, + an' other well-known gintlemen.” + </p> + <p> + “Th' party was suddenly confronted be Major Lyddite iv Carthage an' a + party iv frinds who were in town for th' purpose iv protectin' th' + suffrage again' anny pollution but their own. Colonel Derringer an' Major + Lyddite had been inimies f'r sivral months, iver since Major Lyddite in an + attimpt to desthroy wan iv his fellow-citizens killed a cow belongin' to + th' janial Colonel. Th' two gintlemen had sworn f'r to slay each other at + sight or thirty days, an' all Kentucky society has been on what Hogan + calls th' <i>quee veev</i> or look-out f'r another thrajeedy to be added + to th' long list iv sim'lar ivints that marks th' histhry iv th' Dark an' + Bloody Groun'—which is a name given to Kentucky be her affectionate + sons.” + </p> + <p> + {Illustration} + </p> + <p> + “Without a wur-rud or a bow both gintlemen dhrew on each other an' begun a + deadly fusillade. That is, Hinnissy, they begun shootin' at th' + bystanders. I'll tell ye what th' pa-apers said about it. Th' two + antagonists was in perfect form an' well sustained th' reputation iv th' + state f'r acc'rate workmanship. Colonel Derringer's first shot caught a + boot an' shoe drummer fr'm Chicago square in th' back amid consid'rable + applause. Major Lyddite tied th' scoor be nailin' a scrubwoman on th' top + iv a ladder. Th' man at th' traps sprung a bell boy whom th' Colonel on'y + winged, thus goin' back wan, but his second barrel brought down a + book-canvasser fr'm New York, an' this bein' a Jew man sint him ahead + three. Th' Major had an aisy wan f'r th' head waiter, nailin' him just as + he jumped into a coal hole. Four all. Th' Colonel thried a difficult + polisman, lamin' him. Thin th' Major turned his attintion to his own + frinds, an' made three twos in succession. Th' Colonel was not so + forch'nate. He caught Major Bullseye an' Captain Wiggins, but Gin'ral + Rangefinder was safe behind a barber's pole an' Colonel Chivvy fluttered + out iv range. Thus th' scoor was tin to six at th' conclusion iv th' day's + spoort in favor iv Major Lyddite. Unforchnately th' gallant Major was + onable f'r to reap th' reward iv his excellent marksmanship, f'r in a vain + indeavor f'r a large scoor, he chased th' barber iv th' sicond chair into + th' street, an' there slippin' on a banana peel, fell an' sustained + injuries fr'm which he subsequently died. In him th' counthry loses a + valu'ble an' acc'rate citizen, th' state a lile an' rapid firin' son, an' + society a leadin' figure, his meat-market an' grocery bein' wan iv th' + largest outside iv Minerva. Some idee iv th' acc'racy iv th' fire can be + gained fr'm th' detailed scoor, as follows: Lyddite, three hearts, wan + lung, wan kidney, five brains. Derringer, four hearts, two brains. This + has seldom been excelled. Among th' minor casualties resultin' fr'm this + painful but delightful soiree was th' followin': Erastus Haitch Muggins, + kilt be jumpin' fr'm th' roof; Blank Cassidy, hide an' pelt salesman fr'm + Chicago, burrid undher victims; Captain Epaminondas Lucius Quintus Cassius + Marcellus Xerxes Cyrus Bangs of Hoganpolis, Hamilcar Township, Butseen + County, died iv hear-rt disease whin his scoor was tied. Th' las' named + was a prominent leader in society, a crack shot an' a gintleman iv th' ol' + school without fear an' without reproach. His son succeeds to his lunch + car. Th' others don't count.” + </p> + <p> + “'Twas a gr-reat day f'r Kentucky, Hinnissy, an' it puts th' gran' ol' + state two or three notches ahead iv anny sim'lar community in th' + wur-ruld. Talk about th' Boer war an' th' campaign in th' Ph'lippeens! + Whin Kentucky begins f'r to shoot up her fav'rite sons they'll be more + blood spilled thin thim two play wars'd spill between now an' th' time + whin Ladysmith's relieved f'r th' las' time an' Agynaldoo is r-run up a + three in th' outermost corner iv Hoar County, state iv Luzon. They'se rale + shootin' in Kentucky, an' whin it begins ivrybody takes a hand. 'Tis th' + on'y safe way. If ye thry to be an onlooker an' what they calls a + non-combatant 'tis pretty sure ye'll be taken home to ye'er fam'ly lookin' + like a cribbage-boord. So th' thing f'r ye to do is to be wan iv th' + shooters ye'ersilf, load up ye'er gun an' whale away f'r th' honor iv + ye'er counthry.” + </p> + <p> + “'Tis a disgrace,” said Mr. Hennessy. “Where were th' polis?” + </p> + <p> + “This was not th' place f'r a polisman,” said Mr. Dooley. “I suspict + though, fr'm me knowledge iv th' kind iv man that uses firear-rms that if + some wan'd had th' prisence iv mind to sing out 'They'se a man at th' bar + that offers to buy dhrinks f'r th' crowd,' they'd be less casu'lties fr'm + bullets, though they might be enough people kilt in th' r-rush to even it + up. But whin I read about these social affairs in Kentucky, I sometimes + wish some spool cotton salesman fr'm Matsachoosets, who'd be sure to get + kilt whin th' shootin' begun, wud go down there with a baseball bat an' + begin tappin' th' gallant gintlemen on th' head befure breakfast an' in + silf definse. I'll bet ye he'd have thim jumpin' through thransoms in less + thin two minyits, f'r ye can put this down as thrue fr'm wan that's seen + manny a shootin', that a man, barrin' he's a polisman, on'y dhraws a gun + whin he's dhrunk or afraid. Th' gun fighter, Hinnissy, tin to wan is a + cow'rd.” + </p> + <p> + “That's so,” said Mr. Hennessy. “But it don't do to take anny chances on.” + </p> + <p> + “No,” said Mr. Dooley, “he might be dhrunk.” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0027" id="link2H_4_0027"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + A SOCIETY SCANDAL + </h2> + <p> + “Well, sir, I guess I'm not up on etiket,” said Mr. Dooley. + </p> + <p> + “How's that?” demanded Mr. Hennessy. + </p> + <p> + “I've been readin' about Willum Waldorf Asthor,” replied Mr. Dooley, “an' + th' throuble he had with a la-ad that bummed his way into his party. Ye + see, Hinnissy, Willum Waldorf Asthor give a party at his large an' + commodjious house in London. That's where he lives—in London—though + he r-runs a hotel in New York, where ye can see half th' state iv Ioway + near anny night, they tell me. Well, he give this party on a gran' scale, + an' bought gr-reat slathers iv food an' dhrink, an' invited th' neighbors + an' the neighbors' childher. But wan man he wudden't have. He's goin' over + th' list iv th' people that's to come, an' he says to his sicrety: + 'Scratch that boy. Him an' me bump as we pass by.' He didn't want this + fellow, ye see, Hinnissy. I don't know why. They was dissatisfaction + between thim; annyhow, he says: 'Scratch him,' an' he was out iv it.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, wan night, th' fellow was settin' down f'r a bite to eat with Lady + O——, an' Lady S——, an' Lady G——, an' + Lady Y——, an' other ladies that had lost their names, an' says + wan iv thim, 'Cap,' she says, 'ar-re ye goin' to Asthor's doin's tonight?' + she says. 'Not that I know iv,' says th' Cap. 'He hasn't sint me anny + wurrud that I'm wanted,' he says. 'What differ does it make,' says th' + lady. 'Write an invitation f'r ye'rsilf on ye'er cuff an' come along with + us,' says she. 'I'll do it,' says the Cap, an' he sint f'r an automobile + an' goes along. + </p> + <p> + “Well, ivrything was all r-right f'r awhile, an' th' Cap was assaultin' a + knuckle iv ham an' a shell iv beer, whin Willum Waldorf Asthor comes up + an' taps him on th' shoulder an' says: 'Duck.' 'What name?' says th' Cap. + 'Asthor,' says Willum. 'Oh,' says th' Cap, 'ye're th' American gazabo that + owns this hut,' he says. 'I am,' says Willum. 'I can't go,' says th' Cap. + 'Ye didn't ask me here an' ye can't sind me away,' he says. 'Gossoon, + another shell iv malt, an' dhraw it more slow,' he says. 'I am an English + gintleman an' I know me rights,' he says. 'Dure or window,' says Willum. + 'Take ye'er choice,' he says. 'If ye insist,' says th' Cap, 'I'll take th' + dure,' he says, 'but ye don't know th' customs iv civilization,' he says; + an' th' hired man just grazed him on th' dure sthep. + </p> + <p> + “Well, Willum Waldorf Asthor was that mad, he wint down to his pa-aper + office, an' says he, 'I want to put in an item,' he says, an' he put it + in. 'It is wished,' he says, 'to be apprihinded,' he says, 'be those + desirous not to have been misinformed,' he says, 'concarnin' th' recent + appearance iv Cap Sir Mills at me party,' he says, 'that 'twas not be me + that said Cap Sir Mills come to be on th' site,' he says, 'but rather,' he + says, 'through a desire on th' part iv Cap Sir Mills to butt into a party + to which his invitation was lost about three hours befure 'twas written,' + he says.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, now, ye'd think that was all right, wudden't ye? Ye'd say Asthor + acted mild whin he didn't take down his goold ice pick from th' wall an' + bate th' Cap over th' head. Th' Cap, though a ganial soul, had no business + there. 'Twas Willum Waldorf Asthor that paid f'r the ice cream an' rented + th' chiny. But that's where ye'd be wrong, an' that's where I was wrong. + Whin th' Prince iv Wales heerd iv it he was furyous. 'What,' he says, 'is + an English gintleman goin' to be pegged out iv dures be a mere American be + descent?' he says. 'A man,' he says, 'that hasn't an entail to his name,' + he says. 'An American's home in London is an Englishman's castle,' he + says. 'As th' late Earl iv Pitt said, th' furniture may go out iv it, th' + constable may enther, th' mortgage may fall on th' rooned roof, but a + thrue Englishman'll niver leave,' he says, 'while they'se food an' + dhrink,' he says. 'Willum Waldorf Asthor has busted th' laws iv + hospitality, an' made a monkey iv a lile subjick iv th' queen,' he says. + 'Hinceforth,' he says, 'he's ast to no picnics iv th' Buckingham Palace + Chowder Club,' he says. An' th' nex' day Willum Waldorf Asthor met him at + th' races where he was puttin' down a bit iv money an' spoke to him, an' + th' Prince iv Wales gave him wan in th' eye. He must've had something in + his hand, f'r the pa-aper said he cut him. P'raps 'twas his scipter. An' + now no wan'll speak to Willum Waldorf Asthor, an' he's not goin' to be a + jook at all, an' he may have to come back here an' be nachurlized over + again like a Bohamian. He's all broke up about it. He's gone to Germany to + take a bath.” + </p> + <p> + “Lord, help us,” said Mr. Hennessy, “can't he get wan nearer home?” + </p> + <p> + “It seems not,” said Mr. Dooley. “Mebbe the Prince iv Wales has had th' + wather cut off. He has a big pull with th' people in th' city hall.” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0028" id="link2H_4_0028"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + DOINGS OF ANARCHISTS + </h2> + <p> + “Why should anny man want to kill a king?” said Mr. Dooley. “That's what + I'd like to know. Little gredge have I again' anny monarch in th' deck. + Live an' let live's me motto. Th' more ye have in this wurruld th' less ye + have. Make in wan place, lose in another's th' rule, me boy. Little joy, + little sorrow. Takin' it all an' all I'd rather be where I am thin on a + throne, an' be th' look iv things I'll have me wish. 'Tis no aisy job + bein' a king barrin' th' fact that ye don't have to marry th' woman iv + ye'er choice but th' woman iv somebody else's. 'Tis like takin' a + conthract an' havin' th' union furnish th' foreman an' th' mateeryal. Thin + if th' wurruk ain't good a wild-eyed man fr'm Paterson, Noo Jarsey, laves + his monkey an' his hand organ an' takes a shot at ye. Thank th' Lord I'm + not so big that anny man can get comfort fr'm pumpin' a Winchester at me + fr'm th' top iv a house.” + </p> + <p> + “But if I was king ne'er an organ grinder'd get near enough me to take me + life with a Hotchkiss gun. I'd be so far away fr'm the multitood, + Hinnissy, that they cud on'y distinguish me rile features with a + spy-glass. I'd have polismen at ivry tur-rn, an' I'd have me subjicks + retire to th' cellar whin I took me walk. Divvle a bit wud you catch me + splattherin' mesilf with morthar an' stickin' newspapers in a hole in a + corner shtone to show future gin'rations th' progress iv crime in this + cinchry. They'd lay their own corner-shtone f'r all iv me. I'd communicate + with th' pop'lace be means iv ginral ordhers, an' I'd make it a thing + worth tellin' about to see th' face iv th' gr-reat an' good King Dooley.” + </p> + <p> + “Kings is makin' thimsilves too common. Nowadays an arnychist dhrops into + a lunch-room at th' railroad depot an' sees a man settin' on a stool atin' + a quarther section iv a gooseb'ry pie an' dhrinkin' a glass iv buttermilk. + 'D'ye know who that is?' says th' lunch-counter lady. 'I do not,' says th' + arnychist, 'but be th' look iv him he ain't much.' 'That's th' king,' says + th' lady. 'Th' king, is it,' says th' arnychist. 'Thin here's f'r wan king + less,' he says, an' 'tis all over. A king ought to be a king or he + oughtn't. He don't need to be a good mixer. If he wants to hang on he must + keep out iv range. 'Tis th' kings an' queens that thrusts so much in th' + lilety iv their people that they live in summer resort hotels an' go out + walkin' with a dog that's hurted. Th' on'y person that ought to be able to + get near enough a rale king to kill him is a jook, or th' likes iv that. + Th' idee iv a man from Noo Jarsey havin' th' chanst!” + </p> + <p> + {Illustration} + </p> + <p> + “What on earth's to be done about thim arnychists?” Mr. Hennessy asked. + “What ails thim annyhow? What do they want?” + </p> + <p> + “Th' Lord on'y knows,” said Mr. Dooley. + </p> + <p> + “They don't want annything, that's what they want. They want peace on + earth an' th' way they propose to get it is be murdhrin' ivry man that + don't agree with thim. They think we all shud do as they please. They're + down on th' polis foorce an' in favor iv th' pop'lace, an' whin they've + kilt a king they call on th' polis to save thim fr'm th' mob. An' between + you an' me, Hinnissy, ivry arnychist I've knowed, an' I've met manny in me + time, an' quite, law-abidin' citizens they was, too, had th' makin' iv a + thradeejan in him. If they was no newspapers they'd be few arnychists. + They want to get their pitchers in th' pa-apers an' they can't do it be + wheelin' bananas through th' sthreets or milkin' a cow, so they go out an' + kill a king. I used to know a man be th' name iv Schmitt that was a + cobbler be profession an' lived next dure but wan to me. He was th' + dacintist man ye iver see. He kep' a canary bur-rd, an' his devotion to + his wife was th' scandal iv th' neighborhood. But bless my soul, how he + hated kings. He cudden't abide Cassidy afther he heerd he was a dayscinded + fr'm th' kings iv Connock, though Cassidy was what ye call a prolotoorio + or a talkin' workin'man. An' th' wan king he hated above all others was + th' king iv Scholizwig-Holstein, which was th' barbarous counthry he come + fr'm. He cud talk fairly dacint about other kings, but this wan—Ludwig + was his name an' I seen his pitcher in th' pa-apers wanst—wud throw + him into a fit. He blamed ivrything that happened to Ludwig. If they was a + sthrike he charged it to Ludwig. If Schwartzmeister didn't pay him f'r + half-solin' a pair iv Congress gaiters he used to wear in thim days, he + tied a sthring arround his finger f'r to remind him that he had to kill + Ludwig. 'What have ye again' th' king?' says I. 'He is an opprissor iv th' + poor,' he says. 'So ar-re ye,' I says, 'or ye'd mend boots free.' 'He's + explodin' th' prolotoorio,' he says. 'Sure,' says I, 'th' prolotoorio can + explode thimsilves pretty well,' says I. 'He oughtn't to be allowed to + live in luxury while others starve,' he says. 'An' wud ye be killin' a man + f'r holdin' a nice job?' says I. 'What good wud it do ye?' says I. 'I'd be + th' emancipator iv th' people,' says he. 'Ye'd have th' wurred on th' + coffin lid,' says I. 'Why,' says he, 'think iv me, Schmitt, Owgoost + Schmitt, stalkin' forth to avinge th' woes iv th' poor,' he says. + 'Loodwig, th' cursed, goes by. I jumps fr'm behind a three an' society is + freed fr'm th' monsther,' he says. 'Think iv th' glory iv it,' he says. + 'Owgoost Schmitt, emancipator,' he says. 'I'll prove to Mary Ann that I'm + a man,' he says. Mary Ann was his wife. Her maiden name was Riley. She + heard him say it. 'Gus,' says she, 'if iver I hear iv ye shootin' e'er a + king I'll lave ye,' she says.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, sir, I thought he was jokin', but be hivins, wan day he + disappeared, an' lo an' behold, two weeks afther I picks up a pa-aper an' + r-reads that me brave Schmitt was took up be th' polis f'r thryin' to cop + a monarch fr'm behind a three. I sint him a copy iv a pa-aper with his + pitcher in it, but I don't know if iver he got it. He's over there now an' + his wife is takin' in washin'.” + </p> + <p> + “It's vanity that makes arnychists, Hinnissy—vanity an' th' habits + kings has nowadays iv bein' as common as life insurance agents.” + </p> + <p> + “I don't like kings,” said Mr. Hennessy, “but I like arnychists less. They + ought to be kilt off as fast as they're caught.” + </p> + <p> + “They'll be that,” said Mr. Dooley. “But killin' thim is like wringin' th' + neck iv a mickrobe.” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0029" id="link2H_4_0029"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + ANGLO-AMERICAN SPORTS + </h2> + <p> + “Hinnissy, if iver we have war with what me frind Carl Schurz'd call th' + Mother County, it'll not come fr'm anny Vinnyzwalan question. Ye can't get + me excited over th' throbbin' debate on th' location iv th' Orynocoo River + or whether th' miners that go to Alaska f'r goold ar're buried be th' + Canajeen or th' American authorities. Ye bet ye can't. But some day we'll + be beat in a yacht r-race or done up at futball an' thin what Hogan call + th' dogs iv war'll break out iv th' kennel an' divastate th' wurruld.” + </p> + <p> + “Well,” said Mr. Hennessy, complacently, “if we wait f'r that we might as + well disband our navy.” + </p> + <p> + “I dinnaw about that,” said Mr. Dooley, “I dinnaw abut that; afther ye + left to investigate th' ir'n foundhries an' other pitcheresque roons iv + this misguided counthry, I wint out to give a few raw rahs f'r me fellow + colleejens, who was attimptin' to dimonsthrate their supeeryority over th' + effete scholars iv England at what I see be th' pa-apers is called th' + Olympian games. Ye get to th' Olympian games be suffocation in a tunnel. + Whin ye come to, ye pay four shillin's or a dollar in our degraded + currency, an' stand in th' sun an' look at th' Prince iv Wales. Th' Prince + iv Wales looks at ye, too, but he don't see ye.” + </p> + <p> + “Me frind, th' American ambassadure was there, an' manny iv th' seats iv + larnin' in th' gran' stand was occupied be th' flower iv our seminaries iv + meditation or thought conservatories. I r-read it in th' pa-apers. At th' + time I come in they was recitin' a pome fr'm th' Greek, to a + thoughtful-lookin' young profissor wearin' th' star-spangled banner f'r a + necktie an' smokin' a cigareet. 'Now, boys,' says th' profissor, 'all + together.' 'Rickety, co-ex, co-ex, hullabaloo, bozoo, bozoo, Harvard,' + says th' lads. I was that proud iv me belovid counthry that I wanted to + take off me hat there an' thin an' give th' colledge yell iv th' Ar-rchey + road reform school. But I was resthrained be a frind iv mine that I met + comin' over. He was fr'm Matsachoosetts, an' says he: 'Don't make a + disturbance,' he says. 'We've got to create a fav'rable impression here,' + he says, 'Th' English,' he says, 'niver shows enthusyasm,' he says. 'Tis + regarded as unpolite,' he says. 'If ye yell,' he says, 'they'll think we + want to win,' he says, 'an' we didn't come over here to win,' he says. + 'Let us show thim,' he says, 'that we're gintlemen, be it iver so + painful,' he says. An' I resthrained mesilf be puttin' me fist in me + mouth.” + </p> + <p> + {Illustration} + </p> + <p> + “They was an Englishman standin' behind me, Hinnissy, an' he was a model + iv behaviour f'r all Americans intindin' to take up their homes in Cubia. + Ye cudden't get this la-ad war-rmed up if ye built a fire undher him. He + had an eye-glass pinned to his face an' he niver even smiled whin a young + gintleman fr'm Harvard threw a sledge hammer wan mile, two inches. A fine + la-ad, that Harvard man, but if throwin' th' hammer's spoort, thin th' + rowlin' mills is th' athletic cintre iv our belovid counthry. Whin an + Englishman jumped further thin another la-ad, me frind th' Ice-box, says + he: 'H'yah, h'yah!' So whin an American la-ad lept up in th' air as though + he'd been caught be th' anchor iv a baloon, I says: 'H'yah, h'yah!' too. + Whin a sign iv th' effete aristocracy iv England done up sivral + free-bor-rn Americans fr'm Boston in a fut r-race, me frind the Farthest + North, he grabs his wan glass eye an' says he: 'Well r-run, Cambridge!' he + says; 'Well r-run,' he says. An' 'Well r-run, whativer colledge ye're + fr'm,' says I, whin wan iv our la-ads jumped over a fence ahead iv some + eager but consarvative English scholars.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, like a good game, it come three an' three. Three times had victhry + perched upon our banner an' thrice—I see it in th' pa-aper—had + th' flag iv th' mother counthry proclaimed that Englishmen can r-run. It + was thryin' on me narves an' I wanted to yell whin th' tie was r-run off + but th' man fr'm Matsachoosetts says: 'Contain ye'ersilf,' he says. 'Don't + allow ye'er frinzied American spirit to get away with ye'er manners,' he + says. 'Obsarve.' he says, 'th' ca'm with which our brother Anglo-Saxon + views th' scene,' he says. 'Ah!' he says, 'they're off an' be th' jumpin' + George Wash'nton, I bet ye that fellow fr'm West Newton'll make that + red-headed, long-legged, bread-ballasted Englishman look like thirty + cints. 'Hurroo,' he says. 'Go on, Harvard,' he says. 'Go on,' he says. + 'Rah, rah, rah,' he says. 'Ate him up, chew him up,' he says. 'Harvard!' + he says.” + </p> + <p> + “I looked ar-round at th' ca'm dispassyonate Englishman. He dhropped his + eye-glass so he cud see th' race an' he had his cane in th' air. 'Well + r-run,' he says. 'Well r-run, Cambridge,' he says. 'Pull him down,' he + says. 'Run over him,' he says. 'Thrip him up,' he says. 'They can't + r-run,' he says, 'except whin they're Ph'lipinos behind thim,' he says. + 'Well r-run,' he says, an' he welted th' man fr'm Matsachoosetts with his + cane. 'Be careful what ye're doin' there,' says th' Anglo-Saxon. 'If it + wasn't f'r th' 'liance I'd punch ye'er head off,' he says. 'An',' says th' + ca'm Englishman, 'if it wasn't f'r our common hurtage,' he says, 'I'd make + ye jump over th' gran' stand,' he says. 'Th' English always cud beat us + r-runnin',' says the sage iv Matsachoosetts. 'Th' Americans start first + an' finishes last,' says th' Englishman. An' I had to pull thim apart.” + </p> + <p> + “Whether it is that our American colleejans spinds too much iv their lung + power in provin' their devotion to what Hogan calls their Almy Matthers or + not, I dinnaw, but annyhow, we had to dhrag th' riprisintative iv our + branch iv th' Anglo-Saxon an' Boheemyan civilization in th' three-mile + race fr'm undher two thousand iv our cousins or brothers-in-law that was + ca'mly an' soberly, but hurridly an' noisily chargin' acrost th' thrack to + cheer their own man.” + </p> + <p> + “Me frind fr'm Matsachoosets was blue as we winded our way to th' + sthrangulation railway an' started back f'r home. 'I'm sorry,' he says, + 'to lose me timper,' he says, 'but,' he says, 'afther all th' pretinded + affection iv these people f'r us,' he says, 'an' afther all we've done f'r + thim in Alaska an'—an' ivrywhere,' he says, 'an' thim sellin' us + coal whin they might've sold it to th' Spanyards if th' Spanyards'd had + th' money,' he says, 'to see th' conduct iv that coarse an' brutal + Englishman—' 'Th' wan that won th' r-race?' says I. 'Yes,' he says. + 'No, I mean th' wan that lammed me with his cane,' he says. 'If it hadn't + been,' he says, 'that we're united,' he says, 'be a common pathrimony,' he + says, 'I'd've had his life,' he says. 'Ye wud so,' says I, 'an' ye're + r-right,' I says. 'If all th' la-ads enthered into th' r-races with th' + same spirit ye show now,' I says, 'th' English flag'd be dhroopin' fr'm + th' staff, an' Cyrus Bodley iv Wadham, Mass., 'd be paintin' th' stars an' + sthripes on th' Nelson monnymint,' I says. 'Whin we hated th' English,' I + says, 'an' a yacht r-race was li'ble to end in a war message fr'm the + prisidint, we used to bate thim,' I says. 'Now,' says I, 'whin we're + afraid to injure their feelin's,' I says, 'an' whin we 'pologise befure we + punch, they bate us,' I says. 'They're used to 'pologisin' with wan hand + an' punchin' with th' other,' I says. 'Th' on'y way is th' way iv me + cousin Mike,' I says. 'He was a gr-reat rassler an' whin he had a full + Nelson on th' foolish man that wint again him, he used to say, 'Dear me, + am I breakin' ye'er neck, I hope so.'” + </p> + <p> + “But th' Matsachoosetts man didn't see it that way. An' some time, I tell + ye, Hinnissy, an' Englishman'll put th' shot wan fut further than wan iv + our men th' Lord save us fr'm th' disgrace!—an' th' next day we'll + invade Canada.” + </p> + <p> + “We ought to do it, annyhow,” said Mr. Hennessy stoutly. + </p> + <p> + “We wud,” said Mr. Dooley, “if we were sure we cud lave it aftherwards.” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0030" id="link2H_4_0030"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + VOICES FROM THE TOMB + </h2> + <p> + “I don't think,” said Mr. Dooley, “that me frind Willum Jennings Bryan is + as good an orator as he was four years ago.” + </p> + <p> + “He's th' grandest talker that's lived since Dan'l O'Connell,” said Mr. + Hennessy. + </p> + <p> + “Ye've heerd thim all an' ye know,” said Mr. Dooley. “But I tell ye he's + gone back. D'ye mind th' time we wint down to th' Coleesyum an' he come + out in a black alapaca coat an' pushed into th' air th' finest wurruds ye + iver heerd spoke in all ye'er bor-rn days? 'Twas a balloon ascinsion an' + th' las' days iv Pompey an' a blast on th' canal all in wan. I had to hold + on to me chair to keep fr'm goin' up in th' air, an' I mind that if it + hadn't been f'r a crack on th' head ye got fr'm a dillygate fr'm + Westconsin ye'd 've been in th' hair iv Gin'ral Bragg. Dear me, will ye + iver f'rget it, th' way he pumped it into th' pluthocrats? 'I tell ye here + an' now,' he says, 'they'se as good business men in th' quite counthry + graveyards iv Kansas as ye can find in the palathial lunch-counthers iv + Wall street,' he says. 'Whin I see th' face iv that man who looks like a + two-dollar pitcher iv Napolyeon at Saint Heleena,' he says, 'I say to + mesilf, ye shall not—ye shall not'—what th' divvle is it ye + shall not do, Hinnissy?” + </p> + <p> + “Ye shall not crucify mankind upon a crown iv thorns,” said Mr. Hennessy. + </p> + <p> + “Right ye ar-re, I forgot,” Mr. Dooley went on. “Well, thim were his own + wurruds. He was young an' he wanted something an' he spoke up. He'd been a + rayporther on a newspaper an' he'd rather be prisidint thin write anny + longer f'r th' pa-aper, an' he made th' whole iv th' piece out iv his own + head. + </p> + <p> + “But nowadays he has tin wurruds f'r Thomas Jefferson an' th' rest iv th' + sage crop to wan f'r himsilf. 'Fellow-dimmycrats,' he says, 'befure goin' + anny farther, an' maybe farin' worse, I reluctantly accipt th' nommynation + f'r prisidint that I have caused ye to offer me,' he says, 'an' good luck + to me,' he says. 'Seein' th' counthry in th' condition it is,' he says, 'I + cannot rayfuse,' he says. 'I will now lave a subject that must be + disagreeable to manny iv ye an' speak a few wurruds fr'm th' fathers iv + th' party, iv whom there ar-re manny,' he says, 'though no shame to th' + party, f'r all iv that,' he says. 'Thomas Jefferson, th' sage iv + Monticello, says: “Ye can't make a silk purse out iv a sow's ear,” a + remark that will at wanst recall th' sayin' iv Binjamin Franklin, th' sage + iv Camden, that “th' fartherest way ar-round is th' shortest way acrost.” + Nawthin' cud be thruer thin that onliss it is th' ipygram iv Andhrew + Jackson, th' sage iv Syr-acuse, that “a bur-rd in th' hand is worth two in + th' bush.” What gran' wurruds thim ar-re, an' how they must torture th' + prisint leaders iv th' raypublican party. Sam'l Adams, th' sage iv Salem, + says: “Laugh an' the wurruld laughs with ye,” while Pathrick Hinnery, th' + sage iv Jarsey City, puts it that “ye shud always bet aces befure th' + dhraw.” Turnin' farther back into histhry we find that Brian Boru, th' + sage iv Munsther, said: “Cead mille failthé,” an' Joolyus Caesar, th' sage + iv Waukeesha, says, “Whin ye're in Rome, do th' Romans.” Nebuchedneezar—there's + a name f'r ye—th' sage iv I-dinnaw-where, says: “Ye can't ate ye'er + hay an' have it.” Solomon, th' sage iv Sageville, said, “Whin a man's + marrid his throubles begins,” an' Adam, th' sage iv Eden, put it that “A + snake in th' grass is worth two in th' boots.” Ye'll see be this, me good + an' thrue frinds, that th' voices fr'm th' tombs is united in wan gran' + chorus f'r th' ticket ye have nommynated. I will say no more, but on a + future occasion, whin I've been down in southern Injyanny, I'll tell ye + what th' sages an' fathers iv th' party in th' Ancient an' Hon'rable + Association iv Mound-Builders had to say about th' prisint crisis.'” + </p> + <p> + “'Tisn't Bryan alone, Mack's th' same way. They're both ancesther + worshippers, like th' Chinese, Hinnissy. An' what I'd like to know is what + Thomas Jefferson knew about th' throubles iv ye an' me? Divvle a wurrud + have I to say again' Thomas. He was a good man in his day, though I don't + know that his battin' av'rage 'd be high again' th' pitchin' iv these + times. I have a gr-reat rayspict f'r the sages an' I believe in namin' + sthreets an' public schools afther thim. But suppose Thomas Jefferson was + to come back here now an' say to himsilf: 'They'se a good dimmycrat up in + Ar-rchy road an' I think I'll dhrop in on him an' talk over th' issues iv + th' day.' Well, maybe he cud r-ride his old gray mare up an' not be kilt + be the throlley cars, an' maybe th' la-ads'd think he was crazy an' not + murdher him f'r his clothes. An' maybe they wudden't. But annyhow, suppose + he got here, an' afther he'd fumbled ar-round at th' latch—f'r they + had sthrings on th' dure in thim days—I let him in. Well, whin I've + injooced him to take a bowl iv red liquor—f'r in his time th' dhrink + was white—an' explained how th' seltzer comes out an' th' cash + raygisther wurruks, an' wather is dhrawn fr'm th' fassit, an' gas is + lighted fr'm th' burner, an' got him so he wud not bump his head again' + th' ceilin' ivry time th' beer pump threw a fit—afther that we'd + talk iv the pollytical situation.” + </p> + <p> + “'How does it go?' says Thomas. 'Well,' says I, 'it looks as though Ioway + was sure raypublican,' says I. 'Ioway?' says he. 'What's that?' says he. + 'Ioway,' says I, 'is a state,' says I. 'I niver heerd iv it,' says he. + 'Faith ye did not,' says I. 'But it's a state just th' same, an' full iv + corn an' people,' I says. 'An' why is it raypublican?' says he. 'Because,' + says I, 'th' people out there is f'r holdin' th' Ph'lippeens,' says I. + 'What th' divvle ar-re th' Ph'lippeens?' says he. 'Is it a festival,' says + he, 'or a dhrink?' he says. 'Faith, 'tis small wondher ye don't know,' + says I, 'f'r 'tis mesilf was weak on it a year ago,' I says. 'Th' + Ph'lippeens is an issue,' says I, 'an' islands,' says I, 'an' a public + nuisance,' I says. 'But,' I says, 'befure we go anny further on this + subject,' I says, 'd'ye know where Minnysota is, or Westconsin, or Utah, + or Californya, or Texas, or Neebrasky?' says I. 'I do not,' says he. 'D'ye + know that since ye'er death there has growed up on th' shore iv Lake + Mitchigan a city that wud make Rome look like a whistlin' station—a + city that has a popylation iv eight million people till th' census rayport + comes out?' I says. 'I niver heerd iv it,' he says. 'D'ye know that I can + cross th' ocean in six days, an' won't; that if annything doesn't happen + in Chiny I can larn about it in twinty-four hours if I care to know; that + if ye was in Wash'nton I cud call ye up be tillyphone an ye'er wire'd be + busy?' I says. 'I do not,' says Thomas Jefferson. 'Thin,' says I, 'don't + presume to advise me,' I says, 'that knows these things an' manny more,' I + says. 'An' whin ye go back where ye come fr'm an' set down with th' rest + iv th' sages to wondher whether a man cud possibly go fr'm Richmond to + Boston in a week, tell thim,' I says, 'that in their day they r-run a + corner grocery an' to-day,' says I, 'we're op'ratin' a sixteen-story + department store an' puttin' in ivrything fr'm an electhric lightin' plant + to a set iv false teeth,' I says. An' I hist him on his horse an' ask a + polisman to show him th' way home.” + </p> + <p> + “Be hivins, Hinnissy, I want me advice up-to-date, an' whin Mack an' + Willum Jennings tells me what George Wash'nton an' Thomas Jefferson said, + I says to thim: 'Gintlemen, they larned their thrade befure th' days iv + open plumbin',' I says. 'Tell us what is wanted ye'ersilf or call in a + journeyman who's wurrukin' card is dated this cinchry,' I says. 'An' I'm + r-right too, Hinnissy.'” + </p> + <p> + “Well,” said Mr. Hennessy, slowly, “those ol' la-ads was level-headed.” + </p> + <p> + “Thrue f'r ye,” said Mr. Dooley. “But undher th' new iliction laws ye + can't vote th' cimitries.” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0031" id="link2H_4_0031"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + <i>The</i> NEGRO PROBLEM + </h2> + <p> + “What's goin' to happen to th' naygur?” asked Mr. Hennessy. + </p> + <p> + “Well,” said Mr. Dooley, “he'll ayther have to go to th' north an' be a + subjick race, or stay in th' south an' be an objick lesson. 'Tis a har-rd + time he'll have, annyhow. I'm not sure that I'd not as lave be gently + lynched in Mississippi as baten to death in New York. If I was a black + man, I'd choose th' cotton belt in prifrince to th' belt on th' neck fr'm + th' polisman's club. I wud so.” + </p> + <p> + “I'm not so much throubled about th' naygur whin he lives among his + opprissors as I am whin he falls into th' hands iv his liberators. Whin + he's in th' south he can make up his mind to be lynched soon or late an' + give his attintion to his other pleasures iv composin' rag-time music on a + banjo, an' wurrukin' f'r th' man that used to own him an' now on'y owes + him his wages. But 'tis th' divvle's own hardship f'r a coon to step out + iv th' rooms iv th' S'ciety f'r th' Brotherhood iv Ma-an where he's been + r-readin' a pome on th' 'Future of th' Moke' an' be pursooed be a mob iv + abolitionists till he's dhriven to seek polis protection, which, Hinnissy, + is th' polite name f'r fracture iv th' skull. + </p> + <p> + “I was f'r sthrikin' off th' shackles iv th' slave, me la-ad. 'Twas thrue + I didn't vote f'r it, bein' that I heerd Stephen A. Douglas say 'twas + onconstitootional, an' in thim days I wud go to th' flure with anny man + f'r th' constitootion. I'm still with it, but not sthrong. It's movin' too + fast f'r me. But no matther. Annyhow I was f'r makin' th' black man free, + an' though I shtud be th' south as a spoortin' proposition I was kind iv + glad in me heart whin Gin'ral Ulyss S. Grant bate Gin'ral Lee an' th' rest + iv th' Union officers captured Jeff Davis. I says to mesilf, 'Now,' I + says, 'th' coon'll have a chanst f'r his life,' says I, 'an' in due time we + may injye him,' I says. + </p> + <p> + “An' sure enough it looked good f'r awhile, an' th' time come whin th' + occas'nal dollar bill that wint acrost this bar on pay night wasn't good + money onless it had th' name iv th' naygur on it. In thim days they was a + young la-ad—a frind iv wan iv th' Donohue boys—that wint to + th' public school up beyant, an' he was as bright a la-ad as ye'd want to + see in a day's walk. Th' larnin' iv him wud sind Father Kelly back to his + grammar. He cud spell to make a hare iv th' hedge schoolmasther, he was as + quick at figures as th' iddycated pig they showed in th' tint las' week in + Haley's vacant lot, and in joggerphy, asthronomy, algybbera, jommethry, + chimisthry, physiojnomy, bassoophly an' fractions, I was often har-rd put + mesilf to puzzle him. I heerd him gradyooate an' his composition was so + fine very few cud make out what he meant. + </p> + <p> + “I met him on th' sthreet wan day afther he got out iv school. 'What ar-re + ye goin' to do f'r ye'ersilf, Snowball,' says I—his name was Andhrew + Jackson George Wash'n'ton Americus Caslateras Beresford Vanilla Hicks, but + I called him 'Snowball,' him bein' as black as coal, d'ye see—I says + to him: 'What ar-re ye goin' to do f'r ye'ersilf?' I says. 'I'm goin' to + enther th' profission iv law,' he says, 'where be me acooman an' industhry + I hope,' he says, 'f'r to rise to be a judge,' he says, 'a congrissman,' + he says, 'a sinator,' he says, 'an' p'rhaps,' he says, 'a prisidint iv th' + United States,' he says. 'Theyse nawthin to prevint,' he says. 'Divvle a + thing,' says I. 'Whin we made ye free,' says I, 'we opened up all these + opporchunities to ye,' says I. 'Go on,' says I, 'an' enjye th' wealth an' + position conferred on ye be th' constitootion,' I says. 'On'y,' I says, + 'don't be too free,' I says. 'Th' freedom iv th' likes iv ye is a good + thing an' a little iv it goes a long way,' I says, 'an' if I ever hear iv + ye bein' prisidint iv th' United States,' I says, 'I'll take me + whitewashing' away fr'm ye'er father, ye excelsior hair, poached-egg eyed, + projiny iv tar,' I says, f'r me Anglo-Saxon feelin' was sthrong in thim + days. + </p> + <p> + “Well, I used to hear iv him afther that defindin' coons in th' polis + coort, an' now an' thin bein' mintioned among th' scatthrin' in + raypublican county con-vintions, an' thin he dhropped out iv sight. 'Twas + years befure I see him again. Wan day I was walkin' up th' levee smokin' a + good tin cint seegar whin a coon wearin' a suit iv clothes that looked + like a stained glass window in th' house iv a Dutch brewer an' a pop + bottle in th' fr-ront iv his shirt, steps up to me an' he says: 'How dy'e + do, Mistah Dooley,' says he. 'Don't ye know me—Mistah Hicks?' he + says. 'Snowball,' says I. 'Step inside this dureway,' says I, 'less + Clancy, th' polisman on th' corner, takes me f'r an octoroon,' I says. + 'What ar-re ye do-in'?' says I. 'How did ye enjye th' prisidincy?' says I. + He laughed an' told me th' story iv his life. He wint to practisin' law + an' found his on'y clients was coons, an' they had no assets but their + vote at th' prim'ry. Besides a warrant f'r a moke was the same as a + letther iv inthroduction to th' warden iv th' pinitinchry. Th' on'y thing + left f'r th' lawyer to do was to move f'r a new thrile an' afther he'd got + two or three he thought ol' things was th' best an' ye do well to lave bad + enough alone. He got so sick iv chicken he cudden't live on his fees an' + he quit th' law an' wint into journalism. He r-run 'Th' Colored + Supplimint,' but it was a failure, th' taste iv th' public lanin' more to + quadhroon publications, an' no man that owned a resthrant or theaytre or + dhrygoods store'd put in an adver-tisemint f'r fear th' subscribers'd see + it an' come ar-round. Thin he attimpted to go into pollytics, an' th' best + he cud get was carryin' a bucket iv wather f'r a Lincoln Club. He thried + to larn a thrade an' found th' on'y place a naygur can larn a thrade is in + prison an' he can't wurruk at that without committin' burglary. He started + to take up subscriptions f'r a sthrugglin' church an' found th' profission + was overcrowded. 'Fin'ly,' says he, ''twas up to me to be a porther in a + saloon or go into th' on'y business,' he says, 'in which me race has a + chanst,' he says. 'What's that?' says I. 'Craps,' says he. 'I've opened a + palachal imporyium,' he says, 'where,' he says, ''twud please me very + much,' he says, 'me ol' abolitionist frind,' he says, 'if ye'd dhrop in + some day,' he says, 'an' I'll roll th' sweet, white bones f'r ye,' he + says. ''Tis th' hope iv me people,' he says. 'We have an even chanst at + ivry other pursoot,' he says, 'but 'tis on'y in craps we have a shade th' + best iv it,' he says.” + </p> + <p> + “So there ye ar-re, Hinnissy. An' what's it goin' to come to, says ye? + Faith, I don't know an' th' naygurs don't know, an' be hivins, I think if + th' lady that wrote th' piece we used to see at th' Halsted Sthreet Opry + House come back to earth, she wudden't know. I used to be all broke up + about Uncle Tom, but cud I give him a job tindin' bar in this here liquor + store? I freed th' slave, Hinnissy, but, faith, I think' twas like + tur-rnin' him out iv a panthry into a cellar.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, they got to take their chances,” said Mr. Hennessy. “Ye can't do + annything more f'r thim than make thim free.” + </p> + <p> + “Ye can't,” said Mr. Dooley; “on'y whin ye tell thim they're free they + know we're on'y sthringin' thim.” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0032" id="link2H_4_0032"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + <i>The</i> AMERICAN STAGE + </h2> + <p> + “I've niver been much iv a hand f'r th' theaytre,” said Mr. Dooley. “Whin + I was a young man an' Crosby's Opry house was r-runnin' I used to go down + wanst in a while an' see Jawn Dillon throwin' things around f'r th' + amusemint iv th' popylace an' whin Shakespere was played I often had a + seat in th' gal'ry, not because I liked th' actin', d'ye mind, but because + I'd heerd me frind Hogan speak iv Shakespere. He was a good man, that + Shakespere, but his pieces is full iv th' ol' gags that I heerd whin I was + a boy. Th' throuble with me about goin' to plays is that no matther where + I set I cud see some hired man in his shirt sleeves argyin' with wan iv + his frinds about a dog fight while Romeo was makin' th' kind iv love ye + wuddent want ye'er daughter to hear to Juliet in th' little bur-rd cage + they calls a balcony. It must've been because I wanst knowed a man be th' + name iv Gallagher that was a scene painter that I cud niver get mesilf to + th' pint iv concedin' that th' mountains that other people agreed was + manny miles in th' distance was in no danger iv bein' rubbed off th' map + be th' coat-tails iv wan iv th' principal char-ackters. An' I always had + me watch out to time th' moon whin' twas shoved acrost th' sky an' th' + record breakin' iv day in th' robbers' cave where th' robbers don't dare + f'r to shtep on the rock f'r fear they'll stave it in. If day iver broke + on th' level th' way it does on th' stage 'twud tear th' bastin' threads + out iv what Hogan calls th' firmymint. Hogan says I haven't got th' + dhramatic delusion an' he must be r-right f'r ye can't make me believe + that twinty years has elapsed whin I know that I've on'y had time to pass + th' time iv day with th' bartinder nex' dure. + </p> + <p> + “Plays is upside down, Hinnissy, an' inside out. They begin with a full + statement iv what's goin' to happen an' how it's goin' to come out an' + thin ye're asked to forget what ye heerd an' be surprised be th' outcome. + I always feel like goin' to th' office an' gettin' me money or me + lithograph pass back afther th' first act. + </p> + <p> + “Th' way to write a play is f'r to take a book an' write it over hindend + foremost. They're puttin' all books on th' stage nowadays. Fox's 'Book iv + Martyrs' has been done into a three-act farce-comedy an'll be projooced be + Delia Fox, th' author, nex' summer. Webster's 'Onabridge Ditchnry' will be + brought out as a society dhrama with eight hundherd thousan' char-ackters. + Th' 'Constitution iv th' United States' (a farce) be Willum McKinley is + r-runnin' to packed houses with th' cillybrated thradeejan Aggynaldoo as + th' villain. In th' sixteenth scene iv th' last act they'se a naygur + lynchin'. James H. Wilson, th' author iv 'Silo an' Ensilage, a story f'r + boys,' is dhramatizin' his cillybrated wurruk an' will follow it with a + dhramatic version iv 'Sugar Beet Culture,' a farm play. 'Th' Familiar Lies + iv Li Hung Chang' is expicted to do well in th' provinces an' Hostetter's + Almanac has all dates filled, I undherstand th' bible'll be r-ready f'r + th' stage undher th'direction iv Einstein an' Opperman befure th' first iv + th' year. Some changes has been niciss'ry f'r to adapt it to stage + purposes, I see be th' pa-apers. Th' authors has become convinced that + Adam an' Eve must be carrid through th' whole play, so they have + considerably lessened th' time between th' creation an' th' flood an' have + made Adam an English nobleman with a shady past an' th' Divvle a Fr-rinch + count in love with Eve. They're rescued be Noah, th' faithful boatman who + has a comic naygur son.” + </p> + <p> + “I see be th' pa-aper th' stage is goin' to th' dogs what with it's + Sappho's an' th' like iv that,” said Mr. Hennessy. + </p> + <p> + “Well, it isn't what it used to be,” said Mr. Dooley, “in th' days whin + 'twas th' purpose iv th' hero to save th' honest girl from the clutches iv + th' villin in time to go out with him an' have a shell iv beer at th' + Dutchman's downstairs. In th' plays nowadays th' hero is more iv a villain + thin th' villain himsilf. He's th' sort iv a man that we used to heave + pavin' shtones at whin he come out iv th' stage dure iv th' Halsted + Sthreet Opry House. To be a hero ye've first got to be an Englishman, an' + as if that wasn't bad enough ye've got to have committed as many crimes as + th' late H. H. Holmes. If he'd been born in England he'd be a hero. Ye + marry a woman who swears an' dhrinks an' bets on th' races an' ye quarrel + with her. Th' r-rest iv th' play is made up iv hard cracks be all th' + char-ack-ters at each others' morals. This is called repartee be th' + learned, an' Hogan. Repartee is where I say: 'Ye stole a horse' an' ye + say: 'But think iv ye'er wife!' In Ar-rchy r-road 'tis called disordherly + conduct. They'se another play on where a man r-runs off with a woman + that's no betther thin she ought to be. He bates her an' she marries a + burglar. Another wan is about a lady that ates dinner with a German. He + bites her an' she hits him with a cabbage. Thin they'se a play about an + English gintleman iv th' old school who thries to make a girl write a + letter f'r him an' if she don't he'll tell on her. He doesn't tell an' so + he's rewarded with th' love iv th' heroine, an honest English girl out f'r + th' money.” + </p> + <p> + “Nobody's marrid in th' modhern play, Hinnissy, an' that's a good thing, + too, f'r annywan that got marrid wud have th' worst iv it. In th' ol' + times th' la-ads that announces what's goin' to happen in the first act, + always promised ye a happy marredge in th' end an' as ivrybody's lookin' + f'r a happy marredge, that held the aujeence. Now ye know that th' hero + with th' wretched past is goin' to elope with th' dhrunken lady an' th' + play is goin' to end with th' couples prettily divorced in th' centher iv + th' stage. 'Tis called real life an' mebbe that's what it is, but f'r me I + don't want to see real life on th' stage. I can see that anny day. What I + want is f'r th' spotless gintleman to saw th' la-ad with th' cigareet into + two-be-fours an' marry th' lady that doesn't dhrink much while th' + aujeence is puttin' on their coats.” + </p> + <p> + “Why don't they play Shakespere any more?” Mr. Hennessy asked. + </p> + <p> + “I undherstand,” said Mr. Dooley, “that they're goin' to dhramatize + Shakespere whin th' dhramatizer gets through with th' 'Report iv th' + Cinsus Department f'r 1899-1900.'” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0033" id="link2H_4_0033"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + TROUBLES OF A CANDIDATE + </h2> + <p> + “I wisht th' campaign was over,” said Mr. Dooley. + </p> + <p> + “I wisht it'd begin,” said Mr. Hennessy. “I niver knew annything so dead. + They ain't been so much as a black eye give or took in th' ward an' its + less thin two months to th' big day.” + </p> + <p> + “'Twill liven up,” said Mr. Dooley, “I begin to see signs iv th' good + times comin' again. 'Twas on'y th' other day me frind Tiddy Rosenfelt + opened th' battle mildly be insinuatin' that all dimmycrats was liars, + horse thieves an' arnychists. 'Tis thrue he apologized f'r that be + explainin' that he didn't mean all dimmycrats but on'y those that wudden't + vote f'r Mack but I think he'll take th' copper off befure manny weeks. A + ladin' dimmycratic rayformer has suggested that Mack though a good man f'r + an idjiot is surrounded be th' vilest scoundhrels iver seen in public life + since th' days iv Joolyus Caesar. Th' Sicrety iv th' Threeasury has + declared, that Mr. Bryan in sayin' that silver is not convartible be th' + terms iv th' Slatthry bankin' law iv 1870, an' th' sicond clause iv th' + threaty iv Gansville, has committed th' onpard'nable pollytical sin iv so + consthructin' th' facts as to open up th' possibility iv wan not knowin' + th' thrue position iv affairs, misundhersthandin' intirely. If he had him + outside he'd call him a liar. Th' raypublicans have proved that Willum + Jennings Bryan is a thraitor be th' letther written be Dr. Lem Stoggins, + th' cillybrated antithought agytator iv Spooten Duyvil to Aggynaldoo in + which he calls upon him to do nawthin' till he hears fr'm th' doc. Th' + letther was sint through th' postal authorities an' as they have + established no post-office in Aggynaldoo's hat they cudden't deliver it + an' they opened it. Upon r-readin' th' letther Horace Plog iv White Horse, + Minnesota, has wrote to Willum Jennings Bryan declarin' that if he (Plog) + iver went to th' Ph'lippeens, which he wud've done but f'r th' way th' + oats was sproutin' in th' stack, an' had been hit with a bullet he'd + ixpict th' Coroner to hold Bryan to th' gran' jury. This was followed be + th' publication iv a letther fr'm Oscar L. Swub iv East Persepalis, Ohio, + declarin' that his sister heerd a cousin iv th' man that wash'd buggies in + a livery stable in Canton say Mack's hired man tol' him Mack'd be hanged + befure he'd withdraw th' ar-rmy fr'm Cuba.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, I guess th' campaign is doin' as well as cud be ixpicted. I see be + th' raypublican pa-apers that Andhrew Carnegie has come out f'r Bryan an' + has conthributed wan half iv his income or five hundhred millyon dollars + to th' campaign fund. In th' dimmycratic pa-apers I r-read that Chairman + Jim Jones has inthercipted a letther fr'm the Prince iv Wales to Mack + congratulatin' him on his appintmint as gintleman-in-waitin' to th' queen. + A dillygation iv Mormons has started fr'm dimmycratic headquarthers to + thank Mack f'r his manly stand in favor iv poly-gamy an' th' raypublican + comity has undher con-sideration a letther fr'm long term criminals + advisin' their colleagues at large to vote f'r Willum Jennings Bryan, th' + frind iv crime.” + </p> + <p> + “In a few short weeks, Hinnissy, 'twill not be safe f'r ayether iv the + candydates to come out on th' fr-ront porch till th' waitin' dillygations + has been searched be a polisman. 'Tis th' divvle's own time th' la-ads + that r-runs f'r th' prisidincy has since that ol' boy Burchard broke loose + again' James G. Blaine. Sinitor Jones calls wan iv his thrusty hinchman to + his side, an' says he: 'Mike, put on a pig-tail, an' a blue shirt an' take + a dillygation iv Chinnymen out to Canton an' congratulate Mack on th' + murdher iv mission'ries in China. An',' he says, 'ye might stop off at + Cincinnati on th' way over an' arrange f'r a McKinley an' Rosenfelt club + to ilict th' British Consul its prisidint an' attack th' office iv th' + German newspaper,' he says. Mark Hanna rings f'r his sicrety an', says he: + 'Have ye got off th' letther fr'm George Fred Willums advisin' Aggynaldoo + to pizen th' wells?' 'Yes sir.' 'An' th' secret communication fr'm Bryan + found on an arnychist at Pattherson askin' him to blow up th' White + House?' 'It's in th' hands iv th' tyepwriter.' 'Thin call up an employmint + agency an' have a dillygation iv Jesuites dhrop in at Lincoln, with a + message fr'm th' pope proposin' to bur-rn all Protestant churches th' + night befure iliction.'” + </p> + <p> + “I tell ye, Hinnissy, th' candydate is kept mov-in'. Whin he sees a + dilly-gation pikin' up th' lawn he must be r-ready. He makes a flyin' leap + f'r th' chairman, seizes him by th' throat an' says: 'I thank ye f'r th' + kind sintimints ye have conveyed. I am, indeed, as ye have remarked, th' + riprisintative iv th' party iv manhood, honor, courage, liberality an' + American thraditions. Take that back to Jimmy Jones an' tell him to put it + in his pipe an' smoke it.' With which he bounds into th' house an' locks + the dure while th' baffled conspirators goes down to a costumer an' + changes their disguise. If th' future prisidint hadn't been quick on th' + dhraw he'd been committed to a policy iv sthranglin' all the girl babies + at birth.” + </p> + <p> + “No, 'tis no aisy job bein' a candydate, an' 'twud be no easy job if th' + game iv photygraphs was th' on'y wan th' candydates had to play. Willum + Jennings Bryan is photygraphed smilin' back at his smilin' corn fields, in + a pair iv blue overalls with a scythe in his hand borrid fr'm th' company + that's playin' 'Th' Ol' Homestead,' at th' Lincoln Gran' Opry House. Th' + nex' day Mack is seen mendin' a rustic chair with a monkey wrinch, Bryan + has a pitcher took in th' act iv puttin' on a shirt marked with th' union + label, an' they'se another photygraph iv Mack carryin' a scuttle iv coal + up th' cellar stairs. An' did ye iver notice how much th' candydates looks + alike, an' how much both iv thim looks like Lydia Pinkham? Thim wondherful + boardhin'-house smiles that our gifted leaders wears, did ye iver see + annythin' so entrancin'? Whin th' las' photygrapher has packed his ar-ms + homeward I can see th' gr-reat men retirin' to their rooms an' lettin' + their faces down f'r a few minyits befure puttin' thim up again in + curl-pa-apers f'r th' nex' day display. Glory be, what a relief 'twill be + f'r wan iv thim to raysume permanently th' savage or fam'ly breakfast face + th' mornin' afther iliction! What a raylief 'twill be to no f'r sure that + th' man at th' dure bell is on'y th' gas collector an' isn't loaded with a + speech iv thanks in behalf iv th' Spanish Gover'mint! What a relief to + snarl at wife an' frinds wanst more, to smoke a seegar with th' thrust + magnate that owns th' cider facthry near th' station, to take ye'er nap in + th' afthernoon undisthurbed be th' chirp iv th' snap-shot! 'Tis th' day + afther iliction I'd like f'r to be a candydate, Hinnissy, no matther how + it wint.” + </p> + <p> + “An' what's become iv th' vice-prisidintial candydates?” Mr. Hennessy + asked. + </p> + <p> + “Well,” said Mr. Dooley, “Th' las' I heerd iv Adly, I didn't hear + annythin', an' th' las' I heerd iv Tiddy he'd made application to th' + naytional comity f'r th' use iv Mack as a soundin' board.” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0034" id="link2H_4_0034"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + A BACHELOR'S LIFE + </h2> + <p> + “It's always been a wondher to me,” said Mr. Hennessy, “ye niver marrid.” + </p> + <p> + “It's been a wondher to manny,” Mr. Dooley replied haughtily. “Maybe if + I'd been as aisy pleased as most—an' this is not sayin' annything + again you an' ye'ers, Hinnisy, f'r ye got much th' best iv it—I + might be th' father iv happy childher an' have money in th' bank awaitin' + th' day whin th' intherest on th' morgedge fell due. 'Tis not f'r lack iv + opportunities I'm here alone, I tell ye that me bucko, f'r th' time was + whin th' sound iv me feet'd brings more heads to th' windies iv Ar-rchey + r-road thin'd bob up to see ye'er fun'ral go by. An' that's manny a wan.” + </p> + <p> + “Ah, well,” said Mr. Hennessy, “I was but jokin' ye.” His tone mollified + his friend, who went on: “To tell ye th' truth, Hinnissy, th' raison I + niver got marrid was I niver cud pick a choice. I've th' makin' iv an + ixcillint ol' Turk in me, to be sure, f'r I look on all the sect as + iligeable f'r me hand an' I'm on'y resthrained fr'm r-rentin' Lincoln Park + f'r a home an' askin' thim all to clave on'y to me, be me nachral modesty + an' th' laws iv th' State iv Illinye. 'Twas always so with me an' I think + it is so with most men that dies bachelors. Be r-readin' th' pa-apers ye'd + think a bachelor was a man bor-rn with a depraved an' parvarse hathred iv + wan iv our most cherished institootions, an' anti-expansionist d'ye mind. + But'tis no such thing. A bachelor's a man that wud extind his benificint + rule over all th' female wurruld, fr'm th' snow-capped girls iv Alaska to + th' sunny eileens iv th' Passyfic. A marrid man's a person with a limited + affection—a protictionist an' anti-expansionist, a mugwump, be + hivins. 'Tis th' bachelor that's keepin' alive th' rivrince f'r th' sect. + </p> + <p> + “Whin I was a young man, ye cud search fr'm wan end iv th' town to th' + other f'r me akel with th' ladies. Ye niver see me in them days, but 'twas + me had a rogue's eye an' a leg far beyant th' common r-run iv props. I cud + dance with th' best iv thim, me voice was that sthrong 'twas impossible to + hear annywan else whin I sung 'Th' Pretty Maid Milkin' th' Cow,' an' I was + dhressed to kill on Sundahs. 'Twas thin I bought th' hat ye see me wear at + th' picnic. 'Twas 'Good mornin', Misther Dooley, an' will ye come in an' + have a cup iv tay,' an' 'How d'ye do Misther Dooley, I didn't see ye at + mass this mornin',' an' 'Martin, me boy, dhrop in an' take a hand at + forty-fives. Th' young ladies has been ask in' me ar-re ye dead.' I was + th' pop'lar idol, ye might say, an' manny's th' black look I got over th' + shouldher at picnic an' wake. But I minded thim little. If a bull again me + come fr'm th' pope himsilf in thim days whin me heart was high, I'd tuck + it in me pocket an' say: 'I'll r-read it whin I get time.'” + </p> + <p> + “Well, I'd take one iv th' girls out in me horse an' buggy iv a Sundah an' + I'd think she was th' finest in th' wurruld an' I'd be sayin' all kinds iv + jokin' things to her about marredge licenses bein' marked down on account + iv th' poor demand an' how th' parish priest was thinkin' iv bein' + thransferred to a parish where th' folks was more kindly disposed to each + other an' th' likes iv that, whin out iv th' corner iv me eye I'd see + another girl go by, an' bless me if I cud keep th' lid iv me r-right eye + still or hold me tongue fr'm such unfortchnit remark as: 'That there Molly + Heaney's th' fine girl, th' fine, sthrappin' girl, don't ye think so?' + Well, ye know, afther that I might as well be dhrivin' an ice wagon as a + pleasure rig; more thin wanst I near lost th' tip iv me nose in th' jamb + iv th' dure thryin' to give an affictshionate farewell. An' so it wint on, + till I got th' repytation iv a flirt an' a philandhrer f'r no raison at + all, d'ye mind, but me widespread fondness. I like thim all, dark an' + light, large an' small, young an' old, marrid an' single, widdied an' + divorced, an' so I niver marrid annywan. But ye'll find me photygraft in + some albums an' me bills in more thin wan livery stable.” + </p> + <p> + “I think marrid men gets on th' best f'r they have a home an' fam'ly to + lave in th' mornin' an' a home an' fam'ly to go back to at night; that + makes thim wurruk. Some men's domestic throubles dhrives thim to dhrink, + others to labor. Ye r-read about a man becomin' a millyonaire an' ye think + he done it be his own exertions whin 'tis much again little 'twas th' fear + iv comin' home impty handed an' dislike iv stayin' ar-round th' house all + day that made him rich. Misther Standard Ile takes in millyons in a year + but he might be playin' dominoes in an injine house if it wasn't f'r Mrs. + Standard Ile. 'Tis th' thought iv that dear quiet lady at home, in her + white cap with her ca'm motherly face, waitin' patiently f'r him with a + bell-punch that injooces him to put a shtick iv dinnymite in somebody + else's ile well an' bury his securities whin th' assissor comes ar-round. + Near ivry man's property ought to be in wife's name an' most iv it is. + </p> + <p> + “But with a bachelor 'tis diff'rent. Ye an' I ar-re settin' here together + an' Clancy dhrops in. Clancy's wife's away an' he's out f'r a good time + an' he comes to me f'r it. A bachelor's f'r th' enjymint of his marrid + frinds' vacations. Whin Clancy's wife's at home an' I go to see him he + r-runs th' pail out in a valise, an' we take our criminal dhrink in th' + woodshed. Well, th' three iv us sits here an' pass th' dhrink an' sing our + songs iv glee till about ilivin o'clock; thin ye begin to look over ye'er + shouldher ivry time ye hear a woman's voice an' fin'lly ye get up an' yawn + an' dhrink ivrything on th' table an' gallop home. Clancy an' I raysume + our argymint on th' Chinese sityation an' afterwards we carol together me + singin' th' chune an' him doin' a razor edge tinor. Thin he tells me how + much he cares f'r me an' proposes to rassle me an' weeps to think how bad + he threats his wife an' begs me niver to marry, f'r a bachelor's life's + th' on'y wan, an' 'tis past two o'clock whin I hook him on a frindly + polisman an' sind him thrippin'—th' polisman—down th' sthreet. + All r-right so far. But in th' mornin' another story. If Clancy gets home + an' finds his wife's rayturned fr'm th' seaside or th' stock yards, or + whereiver'tis she's spint her vacation, they'se no r-rest f'r him in th' + mornin'. His head may sound in his ears like a automobill an' th' look iv + an egg may make his knees thremble, but he's got to be off to th' + blacksmith shop, an' hiven help his helper that mornin'. So Clancy's + gettin' r-rich an' puttin' a coopoly on his house.” + </p> + <p> + “But with me 'tis diff'rent. Whin Phibbius Apollo as Hogan calls th' sun, + raises his head above th' gas house, I'm cuddled up in me couch an' + Morpus, gawd iv sleep, has a sthrangle holt on me. Th' alarm clock begins + to go off an' I've just sthrength enough to raise up an' fire it through + th' window. Two hours aftherward I have a gleam iv human intillygince an' + hook me watch out fr'm undher th' pillow. 'It's eight o'clock,' says I. + 'But is it eight in th' mornin' or eight in th' evenin'?' says I. 'Faith, + I dinnaw, an' divvle a bit care I. Eight's on'y a number,' says I. 'It + riprisints nawthin',' says I.” + </p> + <p> + “They'se hours enough in th' day f'r a free man. I'll turr-n over an' + sleep till eight-wan and thin I'll wake up refrished,' I says. 'Tis ilivin + o'clock whin me tired lids part f'r good an' Casey has been here to pay me + eight dollars an' findin' me not up has gone away f'r another year.” + </p> + <p> + “A marrid man gets th' money, Hinnissy, but a bachelor man gets th' sleep. + Whin all me marrid frinds is off to wurruk pound in' th' ongrateful sand + an' wheelin' th' rebellyous slag, in th' heat iv th' afthernoon, ye can + see ye'er onfortchnit bachelor frind perambulatin' up an' down th' shady + side iv th' sthreet, with an umbrelly over his head an' a wurrud iv cheer + fr'm young an' old to enliven his loneliness.” + </p> + <p> + “But th' childher?” asked Mr. Hennessy slyly. + </p> + <p> + “Childher!” said Mr. Dooley. “Sure I have th' finest fam'ly in th' city. + Without scandal I'm th' father iv ivry child in Ar-rchey r-road fr'm end + to end.” + </p> + <p> + “An' none iv ye'er own,” said Mr. Hennessy. + </p> + <p> + “I wish to hell, Hinnissy,” said Mr. Dooley savagely, “ye'd not lean + against that mirror, I don't want to have to tell ye again.” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0035" id="link2H_4_0035"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE EDUCATION OF THE YOUNG + </h2> + <p> + The troubled Mr. Hennessy had been telling Mr. Dooley about the difficulty + of making a choice of schools for Packy Hennessy, who at the age of six + was at the point where the family must decide his career. + </p> + <p> + “'Tis a big question,” said Mr. Dooley, “an' wan that seems to be worryin' + th' people more thin it used to whin ivry boy was designed f'r th' + priesthood, with a full undherstandin' be his parents that th' chances was + in favor iv a brick yard. Nowadays they talk about th' edycation iv th' + child befure they choose th' name. 'Tis: 'Th' kid talks in his sleep. 'Tis + th' fine lawyer he'll make.' Or, 'Did ye notice him admirin' that + photygraph? He'll be a gr-reat journalist.' Or, 'Look at him fishin' in + Uncle Tim's watch pocket. We must thrain him f'r a banker.' Or, 'I'm + afraid he'll niver be sthrong enough to wurruk. He must go into th' + church.' Befure he's baptized too, d'ye mind. 'Twill not be long befure + th' time comes whin th' soggarth'll christen th' infant: 'Judge Pathrick + Aloysius Hinnissy, iv th' Northern District iv Illinye,' or 'Profissor P. + Aloysius Hinnissy, LL.D., S.T.D., P.G.N., iv th' faculty iv Nothre Dame.' + Th' innocent child in his cradle, wondherin' what ails th' mist iv him an' + where he got such funny lookin' parents fr'm, has thim to blame that + brought him into th' wurruld if he dayvilops into a sicond story man + befure he's twinty-wan an' is took up be th' polis. Why don't you lade + Packy down to th' occylist an' have him fitted with a pair iv eyeglasses? + Why don't ye put goloshes on him, give him a blue umbrelly an' call him a + doctor at wanst an' be done with it?” + </p> + <p> + “To my mind, Hinnissy, we're wastin' too much time thinkin' iv th' future + iv our young, an' thryin' to larn thim early what they oughtn't to know + till they've growed up. We sind th' childher to school as if 'twas a + summer garden where they go to be amused instead iv a pinitinchry where + they're sint f'r th' original sin. Whin I was a la-ad I was put at me + ah-bee abs, th' first day I set fut in th' school behind th' hedge an' me + head was sore inside an' out befure I wint home. Now th' first thing we + larn th' future Mark Hannas an' Jawn D. Gateses iv our naytion is + waltzin', singin', an' cuttin' pitchers out iv a book. We'd be much + betther teachin' thim th' sthrangle hold, f'r that's what they need in + life.” + </p> + <p> + “I know what'll happen. Ye'll sind Packy to what th' Germans call a + Kindygartin, an' 'tis a good thing f'r Germany, because all a German knows + is what some wan tells him, an' his grajation papers is a certy-ficate + that he don't need to think anny more. But we've inthrajooced it into this + counthry, an' whin I was down seein' if I cud injooce Rafferry, th' + Janitor iv th' Isaac Muggs Grammar School, f'r to vote f'r Riordan—an' + he's goin' to—I dhropped in on Cassidy's daughter, Mary Ellen, an' + see her kindygartnin'. Th' childher was settin' ar-round on th' flure an' + some was moldin' dachshunds out iv mud an' wipin' their hands on their + hair, an' some was carvin' figures iv a goat out iv paste-board an' some + was singin' an' some was sleepin' an' a few was dancin' an' wan la-ad was + pullin' another la-ad's hair. 'Why don't ye take th' coal shovel to that + little barbaryan, Mary Ellen?' says I. 'We don't believe in corporeal + punishment,' says she. 'School shud be made pleasant f'r th' childher,' + she says. 'Th' child who's hair is bein' pulled is larnin' patience,' she + says, 'an' th' child that's pullin' th' hair is discovrin' th' footility + iv human indeavor,' says she. 'Well, oh, well,' says I, 'times has changed + since I was a boy,' I says. 'Put thim through their exercises,' says I. + 'Tommy,' says I, 'spell cat,' I says. 'Go to th' divvle,' says th' + cheerub. 'Very smartly answered,' says Mary Ellen. 'Ye shud not ask thim + to spell,' she says. 'They don't larn that till they get to colledge,' she + says, 'an'' she says, 'sometimes not even thin,' she says. 'An' what do + they larn?' says I. 'Rompin',' she says, 'an' dancin',' she says, 'an' + indepindance iv speech, an' beauty songs, an' sweet thoughts, an' how to + make home home-like,' she says. 'Well,' says I, 'I didn't take anny iv + thim things at colledge, so ye needn't unblanket thim,' I says. 'I won't + put thim through anny exercise today,' I says. 'But whisper, Mary Ellen,' + says I, 'Don't ye niver feel like bastin' th' seeraphims?' 'Th' teachin's + iv Freebull and Pitzotly is conthrary to that,' she says. 'But I'm goin' + to be marrid an' lave th' school on Choosdah, th' twinty-sicond iv + Janooary,' she says, 'an' on Mondah, th' twinty-first, I'm goin' to ask a + few iv th' little darlin's to th' house an',' she says, 'stew thim over a + slow fire,' she says. Mary Ellen is not a German, Hinnissy.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, afther they have larned in school what they ar-re licked f'r + larnin' in th' back yard—that is squashin' mud with their hands—they're + conducted up through a channel iv free an' beautiful thought till they're + r-ready f'r colledge. Mamma packs a few doylies an' tidies into son's bag, + an' some silver to be used in case iv throuble with th' landlord, an' th' + la-ad throts off to th' siminary. If he's not sthrong enough to look f'r + high honors as a middle weight pugilist he goes into th' thought + departmint. Th' prisidint takes him into a Turkish room, gives him a + cigareet an' says: 'Me dear boy, what special branch iv larnin' wud ye + like to have studied f'r ye be our compitint profissors? We have a chair + iv Beauty an' wan iv Puns an' wan iv Pothry on th' Changin' Hues iv the + Settin' Sun, an' wan on Platonic Love, an' wan on Nonsense Rhymes, an' wan + on Sweet Thoughts, an' wan on How Green Grows th' Grass, an' wan on' th' + Relation iv Ice to th' Greek Idee iv God,' he says. 'This is all ye'll + need to equip ye f'r th' perfect life, onless,' he says, 'ye intind bein' + a dintist, in which case,' he says, 'we won't think much iv ye, but we + have a good school where ye can larn that disgraceful thrade,' he says. + An' th' la-ad makes his choice, an' ivry mornin' whin he's up in time he + takes a whiff iv hasheesh an' goes off to hear Profissor Maryanna tell him + that 'if th' dates iv human knowledge must be rejicted as subjictive, how + much more must they be subjicted as rejictive if, as I think, we keep our + thoughts fixed upon th' inanity iv th' finite in comparison with th' + onthinkable truth with th' ondivided an' onimaginable reality. Boys ar-re + ye with me?'” + </p> + <p> + “That's at wan colledge-Th' Colledge iv Speechless Thought. Thin there's + th' Colledge iv Thoughtless Speech, where th' la-ad is larned that th' + best thing that can happen to annywan is to be prisident iv a railroad + consolidation. Th' head iv this colledge believes in thrainin' young men + f'r th' civic ideel, Father Kelly tells me. Th' on'y thrainin' I know f'r + th' civic ideel is to have an alarm clock in ye'er room on iliction day. + He believes 'young men shud be equipped with Courage, Discipline, an' + Loftiness iv Purpose;' so I suppose Packy, if he wint there, wud listen to + lectures fr'm th' Profissor iv Courage an' Erasmus H. Noddle, Doctor iv + Loftiness iv Purpose. I loft, ye loft, he lofts. I've always felt we + needed some wan to teach our young th' Courage they can't get walkin' home + in th' dark, an' th' loftiness iv purpose that doesn't start with bein' + hungry an' lookin' f'r wurruk. An' in th' colledge where these studies are + taught, its undhershtud that even betther thin gettin' th' civic ideel is + bein' head iv a thrust. Th' on'y trouble with th' coorse is that whin + Packy comes out loaded with loftiness iv purpose, all th' lofts is full iv + men that had to figure it out on th' farm.” + </p> + <p> + “I don't undherstand a wurrud iv what ye're sayin',” said Mr. Hennesy. + </p> + <p> + “No more do I,” said Mr. Dooley. “But I believe 'tis as Father Kelly says: + 'Childher shudden't be sint to school to larn, but to larn how to larn. I + don't care what ye larn thim so long as 'tis onpleasant to thim.' 'Tis + thrainin' they need, Hinnissy. That's all. I niver cud make use iv what I + larned in colledge about thrigojoomethry an'—an'—grammar an' + th' welts I got on th' skull fr'm the schoolmasther's cane I have nivver + been able to turn to anny account in th' business, but 'twas th' bein' + there and havin' to get things to heart without askin' th' meanin' iv thim + an' goin' to school cold an' comin' home hungry, that made th' man iv me + ye see befure ye.” + </p> + <p> + “That's why th' good woman's throubled about Packy,” said Hennessy. + </p> + <p> + “Go home,” said Mr. Dooley. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0036" id="link2H_4_0036"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + “L'AIGLON” + </h2> + <p> + “Hogan's been tellin' me iv a new play he r-read th' other day,” said Mr. + Dooley. “'Tis be th' same la-ad that wrote th' piece they played down in + th' Christyan Brothers' school last year about the man with th' big nose, + that wud dhraw a soord or a pome on e'er a man alive. This wan is called + 'The Little Eagle,' an' 'tis about th' son iv Napolyon th' Impror iv th' + Fr-rinch, th' first wan, not th' wan I had th' fight about in + Schwartzmeister's in eighteen hundhred an' siventy. Bad cess to that man, + he was no good. I often wondher why I shtud up f'r him whin he had hardly + wan frind in th' counthry. But I did, an' ye might say I'm a vethran iv + th' Napolyonic Wars. I am so. + </p> + <p> + “But th' first Napolyon was a diff'rent man, an' whin he died he left a + son that th' coorts tur-rned over to th' custody iv his mother, th' ol' + man bein' on th' island—th' same place where Gin'ral Crownjoy is + now. Tis about this la-ad th' play's written. He don't look to be much + account havin' a hackin' cough all through the piece, but down undherneath + he wants to be impror iv th' Fr-rinch like his father befure him, d'ye + mind, on'y he don't dare to go out f'r it f'r fear iv catchin' a bad cold + on his chist. Th' Austhreeches that has charge iv him don't like th' idee + iv havin' him know what kind iv man his father was. Whin he asks: 'Where's + pah?' They say: 'He died in jail.' 'What happened in 1805?' says th' boy. + 'In 1805,' says th' Austhreeches, 'th' bar-rn blew down.' 'In 1806?' says + th' boy. 'In 1806 th' chimney smoked.' 'Not so,' says th' prince. 'In 1806 + me father crossed th' Rhine an' up,' he says, 'th' ar-rmed camps he + marched to Augaspiel, to Lieberneck, to Donnervet. He changed his boots at + Mikelstraus an' down th' eagle swooped on Marcobrun,' he says. 'Me + gran'dad fled as flees th' hen befure th' hawk, but dad stayed not till + gran'pa, treed, besought f'r peace. That's what me father done unto me + gran'dad in eighteen six.' At this p'int he coughs but ye sees he knew + what was goin' on, bein' taught in secret be a lady iv th' stage fr'm whom + manny a la-ad cud larn th' truth about his father. + </p> + <p> + “Still he can't be persuaded f'r to apply f'r th' vacant improrship on + account iv his lungs, till wan day a tailor shows up to measure him f'r + some clothes. Th' tailor d'ye mind is a rivolutionist in disguise, an' has + come down fr'm Paris f'r to injooce th' young man to take th' vacancy. + 'Fourteen, six, thirty-three. How'll ye have th' pants made, Impror?' says + th' tailor. 'Wan or two hip pockets?' says he. + </p> + <p> + “'Two hips,' says young Napolyon. 'What do ye mean be that?'” he says. + </p> + <p> + “'Thirty-eight, siventeen, two sides, wan watch, buckle behind. All Paris + awaits ye, sire.'” + </p> + <p> + “'Make th' sleeves a little longer thin this,' says th' boy. 'An' fill out + th' shouldhers. What proof have I?'” + </p> + <p> + “'Wan or two inside pockets?' says th' tailor. 'Two insides. Hankerchief + pocket? Wan hankerchief. Th' pants is warn much fuller this year. Make + that twinty-eight instid iv twinty-siven,' he says. 'Paris shrieks f'r + ye,' he says. + </p> + <p> + “'Proof,' says th' la-ad. + </p> + <p> + “'They've named a perfume afther ye, a shirt waist, a paper collar, a five + cint seegar, a lot iv childer. Nay more, a breakfast dish christened f'r + ye is on ivry lip. Will I forward th' soot collect?' he says. + </p> + <p> + “'No, sind th' bill to me mother,' says th' boy. 'An' meet me in th' park + at tin,' he says. + </p> + <p> + “So 'tis planned to seize th' throne, but it comes to nawthin'.” + </p> + <p> + “Why's that?” asked Mr. Hennessy. + </p> + <p> + “F'r th' same reason that the Irish rivolution failed, th' polis stopped + it. Th' con-spirators met in th' park an' were nailed be a park polisman. + They didn't run in th' boy, but left him alone in th' place which was + where his father wanst fought a battle. As he shtands there coughin' he + begins to hear voices iv soops that followed th' ol' Impror. 'Comrade' + says wan. 'Give me ye'er hand.' 'I can't,' says another. 'I haven't wan + left.' 'Where's me leg?' 'Sarch me.' 'I've lost me voice.' 'Me mind is + shot away.' 'Reach me some wather.' 'Pass th' can.' 'A horse is settin' on + me chest.' 'What's that? They'se a batthry iv artillery on me.' 'I've + broke something. What is it?' 'I cannot move me leg.' 'Curses on the + Cavalry.' 'Have ye got th' time?' 'Oh me knee, how it aches me.' 'Ha ha. + Ha ha. Ha ha. Ha ha.' 'Veev, th' Impror.' 'Right about face, shouldher + ar-rms, right shouldher shift arms. March.' A harsh, metallic voice in the + distance: 'Gin-rals, leftnant Gin'rals, officers, sooz-officers, an' men—.' + 'Tis th' boy's father. Th' boy pulls out his soord an' says he: 'Come on, + let's fight. Play away there band. Blow fife and banners wave. Lave me at + thim. Come on, come on!' an' he rushes out an' makes a stab at an + Austhreech regimint that's come up to be dhrilled. Thin he undherstands + 'twas all a dhream with him an' he raysumes his ol' job. In th' next act + he dies.” + </p> + <p> + “That's a good act,” said Mr. Hennessy. + </p> + <p> + “'Tis fine. In Austhree where this happened whin a man dies ivrybody comes + in to see him. Ye meet a frind on th' sthreet an' he says: 'Come on over + an see Harrigan jump off.' So whin th' la-ad is r-ready f'r to go out ivry + body gathers in his room. 'Tis a fash'nable ivint, like th' Horse Show. + Among those prisint is his mother. She's a frivolous ol' loon, this Marie + Louisa, that was Napolyon's sicond wife, though between you an' me, Father + Kelly has niver reconized her as such, th' Impror havin' a wife livin' + that was as tough as they make thim. But annyhow she was there. She hadn't + done much f'r her son, but she come to see him off with siv'ral ladies + that loved him an' others. Bein' a busy an' fashn'able woman she cudden't + raymimber his name. At times she called him 'Frank' an' thin 'Fronzwah' + an' 'Fritz' an' 'Ferdynand'—'twas a name beginnin' with 'f' she knew + that—but he f'rgive her an' ast somewan to r-read to him. 'What + shall it be?' says a gin'ral. 'R-read about th' time I was christened,' + says th' boy. An' th' gin'ral r-reads: 'At iliven o'clock at th' church iv + Nothre Dame in th' prisince iv th' followin' princes—,' 'Cut out th' + princes,' says th' la-ad. 'An' kings—' 'F'rget th' kings,' says th' + lad. 'Th' son iv th' Impror—' 'He's dead,' says th' doctor. 'Put on + his white soot,' says th' Main Thing among th' Austhreeches that was again + him fr'm th' beginnin'. An' there ye ar-re.” + </p> + <p> + “Is that all?” asked Mr. Hennessy. + </p> + <p> + “That's all,” said Mr. Dooley. + </p> + <p> + “He died?” + </p> + <p> + “He did.” + </p> + <p> + “But he was sthrong r-right up to th' end.” + </p> + <p> + “He was that. None sthronger.” + </p> + <p> + “An' what?” asked Mr. Hennessy, “did they do with th' soot iv clothes he + ordhered fr'm th' tailor?” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0037" id="link2H_4_0037"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CASUAL OBSERVATIONS + </h2> + <p> + To most people a savage nation is wan that doesn't wear oncomf'rtable + clothes. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + Manny people'd rather be kilt at Newport thin at Bunker Hill. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + If ye live enough befure thirty ye won't care to live at all afther fifty. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + As Shakespere says, be thrue to ye'ersilf an' ye will not thin be false to + ivry man. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + Play actors, orators an' women ar-re a class be thimsilves. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + Among men, Hinnissy, wet eye manes dhry heart. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + Th' nearest anny man comes to a con-ciption iv his own death is lyin' back + in a comfortable coffin with his ears cocked f'r th' flatthrin' remarks iv + th' mourners. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + A fanatic is a man that does what he thinks th' Lord wud do if He knew th' + facts iv th' case. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + A millionyaire—or man out iv debt—wanst tol' me his dhreams + always took place in th' farm-house where he was bor-rn. He said th' + dhreamin' iv his life was th' on'y part that seemed real. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + 'Tis no job to find out who wrote an anonymous letter. Jus' look out iv + th' window whin ye get it. 'Tis harder to do evil thin good be stealth. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + A German's idee iv Hivin is painted blue an' has cast-iron dogs on th' + lawn. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + No man was iver so low as to have rayspict f'r his brother-in-law. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + Th' modhren idee iv governmint is 'Snub th' people, buy th' people, jaw + th' people.' + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + I wisht I was a German an' believed in machinery. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + A vote on th' tallysheet is worth two in the box. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + I care not who makes th' laws iv a nation if I can get out an injunction. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + An Englishman appears resarved because he can't talk. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + What China needs is a Chinese exclusion act. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + All th' wurruld loves a lover—excipt sometimes th' wan that's all + th' wurruld to him. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + A nation with colonies is kept busy. Look at England! She's like wan iv + th' Swiss bell-ringers. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + Th' paramount issue f'r our side is th' wan th' other side doesn't like to + have mintioned. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + If ye put a beggar on horseback ye'll walk ye'ersilf. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + It takes a sthrong man to be mean. A mean man is wan that has th' courage + not to be gin'rous. Whin I give a tip 'tis not because I want to but + because I'm afraid iv what th' waiter'll think. Russell Sage is wan iv + Nature's noblemen. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + An autocrat's a ruler that does what th' people wants an' takes th' blame + f'r it. A constitootional ixicutive, Hinnissy, is a ruler that does as he + dam pleases an' blames th' people. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + 'Tis as hard f'r a rich man to enther th' kingdom iv Hiven as it is f'r a + poor man to get out iv Purgatory. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + Evil communications corrupt good Ph'lippeens. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + Ivry man has his superstitions. If I look at a new moon over me shoulder I + get a crick in me neck. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + Thrust ivrybody—but cut th' ca-ards. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + If Rooshia wud shave we'd not be afraid iv her. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + Some day th' Ph'lippeens 'll be known as th' Standard Isles iv th' + Passyfic. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + A woman's sinse iv humor is in her husband's name. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + Most women ought niver to look back if they want a following. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + If ye dhrink befure siven ye'll cry befure iliven. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + A man that'd expict to thrain lobsters to fly in a year is called a + loonytic; but a man that thinks men can be tur-rned into angels be an + iliction is called a rayformer an' remains at large. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + Th' throuble with most iv us, Hinnissy, is we swallow pollytical idees + befure they're ripe an' they don't agree with us. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + Dhressmakers' bills sinds women into lithrachoor an' men into an early + decline. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + A bur-rd undher a bonnet is worth two on th' crown. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + People tell me to be frank, but how can I be whin I don't dare to know + mesilf? + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + People that talk loud an' offind ye with their insolence are usu'lly shy + men thryin' to get over their shyness. 'Tis th' quite, resarved, ca'm + spoken man that's mashed on himsilf. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + If men cud on'y enjye th' wealth an' position th' newspapers give thim + whin they're undher arrest! Don't anny but prominent clubman iver elope or + embezzle? + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + Miditation is a gift con-fined to unknown philosophers an' cows. Others + don't begin to think till they begin to talk or write. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + A good manny people r-read th' ol' sayin' “Larceny is th' sincerest form + iv flatthry.” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + Tis a good thing th' fun'ral sermons ar-re not composed in th' + confissional. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + Most vigitaryans I iver see looked enough like their food to be classed as + cannybals. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + I don't see why anny man who believes in medicine wud shy at th' faith + cure. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + Miracles are laughed at be a nation that r-reads thirty millyon newspapers + a day an' supports Wall sthreet. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + All men are br-rave in comp'ny an' cow'rds alone, but some shows it + clearer thin others. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + I'd like to tell me frind Tiddy that they'se a strenuse life an' a + sthrenuseless life. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + I'd like to've been ar-round in th' times th' historical novelists writes + about—but I wudden't like to be in th' life insurance business. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + I wondher why porthrait painters look down on phrenologists. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + Di-plomacy is a continyual game iv duck on th' rock—with France th' + duck. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + Whin we think we're makin' a gr-reat hit with th' wurruld we don't know + what our own wives thinks iv us. + </p> + <div style="height: 6em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's Mr. Dooley's Philosophy, by Finley Peter Dunne + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MR. 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