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diff --git a/old/bbng10.txt b/old/bbng10.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..37c9589 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/bbng10.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3553 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Behind the Bungalow, by EHA + +Copyright laws are changing all over the world. Be sure to check the +copyright laws for your country before downloading or redistributing +this or any other Project Gutenberg eBook. + +This header should be the first thing seen when viewing this Project +Gutenberg file. Please do not remove it. Do not change or edit the +header without written permission. + +Please read the "legal small print," and other information about the +eBook and Project Gutenberg at the bottom of this file. Included is +important information about your specific rights and restrictions in +how the file may be used. You can also find out about how to make a +donation to Project Gutenberg, and how to get involved. + + +**Welcome To The World of Free Plain Vanilla Electronic Texts** + +**eBooks Readable By Both Humans and By Computers, Since 1971** + +*****These eBooks Were Prepared By Thousands of Volunteers!***** + + +Title: Behind the Bungalow + +Author: EHA + +Release Date: April, 2005 [EBook #7953] +[This file was first posted on June 4, 2003] + +Edition: 10 + +Language: English + + +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK, BEHIND THE BUNGALOW *** + + + + +Transcribed by David Price, email ccx074@coventry.ac.uk + + + + + +BEHIND THE BUNGALOW + + + + +Contents: + Preface + Engaging a Boy + The Boy at Home + The Dog-boy + The Ghorawalla, or Syce + Bootlair Saheb--Anglice, the Butler + Domingo, the Cook + The Mussaul, or Man of Lamps + The Hamal + The Body-guards + That Dhobie! + The Ayah + + + +PREFACE + + + +These papers appeared in the Times of India, and were written, of +course, for the Bombay Presidency; but the Indian Nowker exhibits +very much the same traits wherever he is found and under whatsoever +name. + + + +ENGAGING A BOY + + + + +Extended, six feet of me, over an ample easy-chair, in absolute +repose of mind and body, soothed with a cup of tea which Canjee had +ministered to me, comforted by the slippers which he had put on my +feet in place of a heavy pair of boots which he had unlaced and taken +away, feeling in charity with all mankind--from this standpoint I +began to contemplate "The Boy." + +What a wonderful provision of nature he is in this half-hatched +civilization of ours, which merely distracts our energies by +multiplying our needs and leaves us no better off than we were before +we discovered them! He seems to have a natural aptitude for +discerning, or even inventing, your wants and supplies them before +you yourself are aware of them. While in his hands nothing petty +invades you. Great-mindedness becomes possible. "Magnanimus AEneas" +must have had an excellent Boy. What is the history of the Boy? How +and where did he originate? What is the derivation of his name? I +have heard it traced to the Hindoostanee word bhai, a brother, but +the usual attitude of the Anglo-Indian's mind towards his domestics +does not give sufficient support to this. I incline to the belief +that the word is of hybrid origin, having its roots in bhoee, a +bearer, and drawing the tenderer shades of its meaning from the +English word which it resembles. To this no doubt may be traced in +part the master's disposition to regard his boy always as in statu +pupillari. Perhaps he carries this view of the relationship too far, +but the Boy, on the other hand, cheerfully regards him as in loco +parentis and accepts much from him which he will not endure from a +stranger. A cuff from his master (delivered in a right spirit) +raises his dignity, but the same from a guest in the house wounds him +terribly. He protests that it is "not regulation." And in this +happy spirit of filial piety he will live until his hair grows white +and his hand shaky and his teeth fall out and service gives place to +worship, dulia to latria, and the most revered idol among his penates +is the photograph of his departed master. With a tear in his dim old +eye he takes it from its shrine and unwraps the red handkerchief in +which it is folded, while he tells of the virtues of the great and +good man. He says there are no such masters in these days, and when +you reply that there are no such servants either, he does not +contradict you. Yet he may have been a sad young scamp when he began +life as a dog-boy fifty-five years ago, and, on the other hand, it is +not so impossible as it seems that the scapegrace for whose special +behoof you keep a rattan on your hat-pegs may mellow into a most +respectable and trustworthy old man, at least if he is happy enough +to settle under a good master; for the Boy is often very much a +reflection of the master. Often, but not always. Something depends +on the grain of the material. There are Boys and Boys. There is a +Boy with whom, when you get him, you can do nothing but dismiss him, +and this is not a loss to him only, but to you, for every dismissal +weakens your position. A man who parts lightly with his servants +will never have a servant worth retaining. At the morning conference +in the market, where masters are discussed over the soothing beeree, +none holds so low a place as the saheb who has had eleven butlers in +twelve months. Only loafers will take service with him, and he must +pay even them highly. Believe me, the reputation that your service +is permanent, like service under the Sircar, is worth many rupees a +month in India. + +The engagement of a first Boy, therefore, is a momentous crisis, +fraught with fat contentment and a good digestion, or with unrest, +distraction, bad temper, and a ruined constitution. But, +unfortunately, we approach this epoch in a condition of original +ignorance. There is not even any guide or handbook of Boys which we +may consult. The Griffin a week old has to decide for himself +between not a dozen specimens, but a dozen types, all strange, and +each differing from the other in dress, complexion, manner, and even +language. As soon as it becomes known that the new saheb from +England is in need of a Boy, the levee begins. First you are waited +upon by a personage of imposing appearance. His broad and dignified +face is ornamented with grey, well-trimmed whiskers. There is no +lack of gold thread on his turban, an ample cumberbund envelopes his +portly figure, and he wears canvas shoes. He left his walking-cane +at the door. His testimonials are unexceptionable, mostly signed by +mess secretaries; and he talks familiarly, in good English, of +Members of Council. Everything is most satisfactory, and you +inquire, timidly, what salary he would expect. He replies that that +rests with your lordship: in his last appointment he had Rs. 35 a +month, and a pony to ride to market. The situation is now very +embarrassing. It is not only that you feel you are in the presence +of a greater man than yourself, but that you know HE feels it. By +far the best way out of the difficulty is to accept your relative +position, and tell him blandly that when you are a commissioner +saheb, or a commander-in-chief, he shall be your head butler. He +will understand you, and retire with a polite assurance that that day +is not far distant. + +As soon as the result of this interview becomes known, a man of very +black complexion offers his services. He has no shoes or cumberbund, +but his coat is spotlessly white. His certificates are excellent, +but signed by persons whom you have not met or heard of. They all +speak of him as very hard-working and some say he is honest. His +spotless dress will prepossess you if you do not understand it. Its +real significance is that he had to go to the dhobie to fit himself +for coming into your presence. This man's expectations as regards +salary are most modest, and you are in much danger of engaging him, +unless the hotel butler takes an opportunity of warning you earnestly +that, "This man not gentlyman's servant, sir! He sojer's servant!" +In truth, we occupy in India a double social position; that which +belongs to us among our friends, and that which belongs to us in the +market, in the hotel, or at the dinner table, by virtue of our +servants. The former concerns our pride, but the latter concerns our +comfort. Please yourself, therefore, in the choice of your personal +friends and companions, but as regards your servants keep up your +standard. + +The next who offers himself will probably be of the Goanese variety. +He comes in a black coat, with continuations of checked jail cloth, +and takes his hat off just before he enters the gate. He is said to +be a Colonel in the Goa Militia, but it is impossible to guess his +rank, as he always wears muftie in Bombay. He calls himself plain +Mr. Querobino Floriano de Braganza. His testimonials are excellent; +several of them say that he is a good tailor, which, to a bachelor, +is a recommendation; and his expectations as regards his stipend are +not immoderate. The only suspicious thing is that his services have +been dispensed with on several occasions very suddenly without +apparent reason. He sheds no light on this circumstance when you +question him, but closer scrutiny of his certificates will reveal the +fact that the convivial season of Christmas has a certain fatality +for him. + +When he retires, you may have a call from a fine looking old follower +of the Prophet. He is dressed in spotless white, with a white turban +and white cumberbund; his beard would be as white as either if he had +not dyed it rich orange. He also has lost his place very suddenly +more than once, and on the last occasion without a certificate. When +you ask him the cause of this, he explains, with a certain brief +dignity, in good Hindoostanee, that there was some tukrar +(disagreement) between him and one of the other servants, in which +his master took the part of the other, and as his abroo (honour) was +concerned, he resigned. He does not tell you that the tukrar in +question culminated in his pursuing the cook round the compound with +a carving-knife in his hand, after which he burst into the presence +of the lady of the house, gesticulating with the same weapon, and +informed her, in a heated manner, that he was quite prepared to cut +the throats of all the servants, if honour required it. + +If none of the preceding please you, you shall have several varieties +of the Soortee tribe anxious to take service with you; nice looking, +clean men, with fair complexions. There will be the inevitable +unfortunate whose house was burned to ashes two months ago, on which +occasion he lost everything he had, including, of course, all his +valuable certificates. Another will send in a budget dating from the +troubled times of the mutiny. From them it will appear that he has +served in almost every capacity and can turn his hand to anything, is +especially good with children, cooks well, and knows English +thoroughly, having been twice to England with his master. When this +desirable man is summoned into your presence, you cannot help being +startled to find how lightly age sits upon him; he looks like twenty- +five. As for his knowledge of English, it must be latent, for he +always falls back upon his own vernacular for purposes of +conversation. You rashly charge him with having stolen his +certificates, but he indignantly repels the insinuation. You find a +discrepancy, however, in the name and press him still further, +whereupon he retires from his first position to the extent of +admitting that the papers, though rightfully his, were earned by his +father. He does not seem to think this detracts much from their +value. Others will come, with less pronounced characteristics, and, +therefore, more perplexing. The Madrassee will be there, with his +spherical turban and his wonderful command of colloquial English; he +is supposed to know how to prepare that mysterious luxury, "real +Madras curry." Bengal servants are not common in Bombay, +fortunately, for they would only add to the perplexity. The larger +the series of specimens which you examine, the more difficult it +becomes to decide to which of them all you should commit your +happiness. "Characters" are a snare, for the master when parting +with his Boy too often pays off arrears of charity in his +certificate; and besides, the prudent Boy always has his papers read +to him and eliminates anything detrimental to his interests. But +there must be marks by which, if you were to study them closely, you +might distinguish the occult qualities of Boys and divide them into +genera and orders. The subject only wants its Linnaeus. If ever I +gird myself for my magnum opus, I am determined it shall be a +"Compendious Guide to the Classification of Indian Boys." + + + +THE BOY AT HOME + + + +Your Boy is your valet de chambre, your butler, your tailor, your +steward and general agent, your interpreter, or oriental translator +and your treasurer. On assuming charge of his duties he takes steps +first, in an unobtrusive way, to ascertain the amount of your income, +both that he may know the measure of his dignity, and also that he +may be able to form an estimate of what you ought to spend. This is +a matter with which he feels he is officially concerned. Indeed, the +arrangement which accords best with his own view of his position and +responsibilities is that, as you draw your salary each month, you +should make it over to him in full. Under this arrangement he has a +tendency to grow rich, and, as a consequence, portly in his figure +and consequential in his bearing, in return for which he will manage +all your affairs without allowing you to be worried by the cares of +life, supply all your wants, keep you in pocket money, and maintain +your dignity on all occasions. If you have not a large enough soul +to consent to this arrangement, he is not discouraged. He will still +be your treasurer, meeting all your petty liabilities out of his own +funds and coming to your aid when you find yourself without change. +As far as my observations go, this is an infallible mark of a really +respectable Boy, that he is never without money. At the end of the +month he presents you a faithful account of his expenditure, the +purport of which is plainly this, that since you did not hand over +your salary to him at the beginning of the month, you are to do so +now. Q.E.F. There is a mystery about these accounts which I have +never been able to solve. The total is always, on the face of it, +monstrous and not to be endured; but when you call your Boy up and +prepare to discharge the bombshell of your indignation, he merely +inquires in an unagitated tone of voice which item you find fault +with, and you become painfully aware that you have not a leg to stand +on. In the first place, most of the items are too minute to allow of +much retrenchment. You can scarcely make sweeping reductions on such +charges as:- "Butons for master's trouser, 9 pies;" "Tramwei for +going to market, 1 anna 6 pies;" "Grain to sparrow" (canary seed!) "1 +anna 3 pies;" "Making white to master's hat, 5 pies." And when at +last you find a charge big enough to lay hold of, the imperturbable +man proceeds to explain how, in the case of that particular item, he +was able, by the exercise of a little forethought, to save you 2 +annas and 3 pies. I have struggled against these accounts and know +them. It is vain to be indignant. You must just pay the bill, and +if you do not want another, you must make up your mind to be your own +treasurer. You will fall in your Boy's estimation, but it does not +follow that he will leave your service. The notion that every native +servant makes a principle of saving the whole of his wages and +remitting them monthly to Goa, or Nowsaree, is one of the ancient +myths of Anglo-India. I do not mean to say that if you encourage +your Boy to do this he will refuse; on the contrary, he likes it. +But the ordinary Boy, I believe, is not a prey to ambition and, if he +can find service to his mind, easily reconciles himself to living on +his wages, or, as he terms it, in the practical spirit of oriental +imagery, "eating" them. The conditions he values seem to be,-- +permanence, respectful treatment, immunity from kicks and cuffs and +from abuse, especially in his own tongue, and, above all, a quiet +life, without kitkit, which may be vulgarly translated, nagging. He +considers his situation with regard to these conditions, he considers +also his pay and prospect of unjust emoluments, with a judicial mind +he balances the one against the other, and if he works patiently on, +it is because the balance is in his favour. I am satisfied that it +is an axiom of domestic economy in India that the treatment which you +mete out to your Boy has a definite money value. Ill-usage of him is +a luxury like any other, paid for by those who enjoy it, not to be +had otherwise. + +There is one other thing on which he sets his childish heart. He +likes service with a master who is in some sort a burra saheb. He is +by nature a hero worshipper--and master is his natural hero. The +saying, that no man is a hero to his own valet, has no application +here. In India, if you are not a hero to your own Boy, I should say, +without wishing to be unpleasant, that the probabilities are against +your being a hero to anybody. It is very difficult for us, with our +notions, to enter into the Boy's beautiful idea of the relationship +which subsists between him and master. To get at it at all we must +realize that no shade of radicalism has ever crossed his social +theory. "Liberty, Equality, and Fraternity" is a monstrous +conception, to which he would not open his mind if he could. He sees +that the world contains masters and servants, and doubts not that the +former were provided for the accommodation of the latter. His fate +having made him a servant, his master is the foundation on which he +stands. Everything, therefore, which relates to the well-being, and +especially to the reputation, of his master, is a personal concern of +his own. Per contra, he does not forget that he is the ornament of +his master. I had a Boy once whom I retained chiefly as a curiosity, +for I believe he had the smallest adult human head in heathendom. He +appeared before me one day with that minute organ surmounted by a +gorgeous turban of purple and gold, which he informed me had cost +about a month's pay. Now I knew that his brain was never equal to +the management of his own affairs, so that he was always in pecuniary +straits, but he anticipated my curiosity by informing me that he had +raised the necessary funds by pawning his wife's bangles. +Unthinkingly I reproached him, and then I saw, coming over his +countenance, the bitter expression of one who has met with rebuff +when he looked for sympathy. Arranging himself in his proudest +attitude, he exclaimed, "Saheb, is it not for your glory? When +strangers see me will they not ask, 'Whose servant is that?"' Living +always under the influence of this spirit, the Boy never loses an +opportunity of enforcing your importance, and his own as your +representative. When you are staying with friends, he gives the +butler notice of your tastes. If tea is made for breakfast, he +demands coffee or cocoa; if jam is opened, he will try to insist upon +marmalade. At an hotel he orders special dishes. When you buy a +horse or a carriage, he discovers defects in it, and is gratified if +he can persuade you to return it and let people see that you are not +to be imposed upon or trifled with. He delights to keep creditors +and mean men waiting at the door until it shall be your pleasure to +see them. But it is only justice to say that it will be your own +fault if this disposition is not tempered with something of a purer +feeling, a kind of filial regard and even reverence--if reverence is +at all possible--under the influence of which he will take a kindly +interest in your health and comfort. When your wife is away, he +seems to feel a special responsibility, and my friend's Boy, when +warning his master against an unwholesome luxury, would enforce his +words with the gentle admonition, "Missis never allowing, sir." + +It is this way of regarding himself and his master which makes the +Boy generally such a faithful servant; but he often has a sort of +spurious conscience, too, growing out of the fond pride with which he +cherishes his good name, so that you do not strain the truth to say +that he is strictly honest. Veracity is the point on which he is +weakest, but even in this there are exceptions. My last Boy was +curiously scrupulous about the truth, and would rarely tell a lie, +even to shield himself from blame, though he would do so to get the +hamal into a scrape. + +I regret to say that the Boy has flaws. His memory is a miracle; but +just once in a way, when you are dining at the club, he lays out your +clothes nicely without a collar. He sends you off on an excursion to +Matheran, and packs your box in his neat way; but instead of putting +one complete sleeping suit, he puts in the upper parts of two, +without the nether and more necessary portions. It is irritating to +discover, when you are dressing in a hurry, that he has put your +studs into the upper flap of your shirt front; but I am not sure it +does not try your patience more to find out, as you brush your teeth, +that he has replenished your tooth-powder box from a bottle of +Gregory's mixture. But Dhobie day is his opportunity. He first +delivers the soiled clothes by tale, diving into each pocket to see +if you have left rupees in it; but he sends a set of studs to be +washed. Then he sits down to execute repairs. He has an assorted +packet of metal and cotton buttons beside him, from which he takes at +random. He finishes with your socks, which he skilfully darns with +white thread, and contemplates the piebald effect with much +satisfaction; after which he puts them up in little balls, each +containing a pair of different colours. Finally he will arrange all +the clean clothes in the drawer on a principle of his own, the effect +of which will find its final development in your temper when you go +in haste for a handkerchief. I suspect there is often an explanation +of these things which we do not think of. The poor Boy has other +things on his mind besides your clothes. He has a wife, or two, and +children, and they are not with him. His child sickens and dies, or +his wife runs away with someone else, and carries off all the +jewellery in which he invested his savings; but he goes about his +work in silence, and we only remark that he has been unusually stupid +the last few days. + +So much for the Boy in general. As for your own particular Boy, he +must be a very exceptional specimen if he has not persuaded you long +since that, though Boys in general are a rascally lot, you have been +singularly fortunate in yours. + + + +THE DOG-BOY + + + +In Bombay it is not enough to fit yourself with a Boy: your dog +requires a Boy too. I have always felt an interest in the smart +little race of Bombay dog-boys. As a corps, they go on with little +change from year to year, but individually they are of short +duration, and the question naturally arises, What becomes of them all +when they outgrow their dog-boyhood? From such observations as I +have been able to make, I believe the dog-boy is not a species by +himself, but represents the early, or larva, stage of several +varieties of domestic servants. The clean little man, in neat print +jacket and red velveteen cap, is the young of a butler; while +another, whom nothing can induce to keep himself clean, would +probably, if you reared him, turn into a ghorawalla. There are +others, in appearance intermediate, who are the offspring of hamals +and mussals. These at a later stage become coolies, going to market +in the morning, fetching ice and soda-water, and so on, until they +mature into hamals and mussals themselves. Like all larvae, dog-boys +eat voraciously and grow rapidly. You engage a little fellow about a +cubit high, and for a time he does not seem to change at all; then +one morning you notice that his legs have come out half a yard or +more from his pantaloons, and soon your bright little page is a +gawky, long-limbed lout, who comes to ask for leave that he may go to +his country and get married. If you do not give it he will take it, +and no doubt you are well rid of him, for the intellect in these +people ripens about the age of fourteen or fifteen, and after that +the faculty of learning anything new stops, and general intelligence +declines. At any rate, when once your boy begins to grow long and +weedy, his days as a dog-boy are ended. He will pass through a +chrysalis stage in his country, or somewhere else, and after a time +emerge in his mature form, in which he will still remember you, and +salaam to you when he meets you on the road. If he left your service +in disgrace, he is so much the more punctilious in observing this +ceremony, which is not an expression of gratitude, but merely an +assertion of his right to public recognition at your hands, as one +who had the honour of eating your salt. I am certain an Oriental +salaam is essentially a claim rather than a tribute. For this reason +your peons, as they stand in line to receive you at your office door, +are very careful not to salaam all at once, lest you might think one +promiscuous recognition sufficient for all. The havildar, or naik, +as is his right, salutes first, and then the rest follow with +sufficient interval to allow you to recognise each one separately. I +have met some men with such lordly souls that they would not +condescend to acknowledge the salutations of menials; but you gain +nothing by this kind of pride in India. They only conclude that you +are not an asl, or born, saheb, and rejoice that at any rate you +cannot take away their right to do obeisance to you. And you cannot. +Your very bhunghie does you a pompous salutation in public places, +and you have no redress. + +The dog-boy's primary duties are to feed, tend and wash his charge, +and to take it for a walk morning and evening; but he is active and +very acute, and many other duties fall naturally to him. It seems +hard that he should come under the yoke so early, but we must not +approach such subjects with Western ideas. The exuberant spirits of +boyhood are not indigenous to this country, and the dog-boy has none +of them. He never does mischief for mischief's sake; he robs no +bird's nest; he feels no impulse to trifle with the policeman. +Marbles are his principal pastime. He puts the thumb of his left +hand to the ground and discharges his taw from the point of his +second finger, bending it back till it touches the back of the hand +and then letting it off like a steel spring. Then he follows up on +all fours, with the action of a monsoon frog in pursuit of a fugitive +ant. But liberty and the pride of an independent position amply +compensate any high-souled dog-boy for the loss of his few +amusements. + +I have said that the dog-boy never does mischief for its own sake. +He would as soon do his duty for its own sake. The motive is not +sufficient. You shall not find him refusing to do any mischief which +tends to his own advantage. I grieve to say it, for I have leanings +towards the dog-boy, but there is in him a vein of unsophisticated +depravity, which issues from the rock of his nature like a clear +spring that no stirrings of conscience or shame have rendered turbid. +His face, it is simple and childlike, and he has the most innocent +eye, but he tells any lie which the occasion demands with a freedom +from embarrassment which at a later age will be impossible to him. +He stands his ground, too, under any fire of cross-examination. The +rattan would dislodge him, but unfortunately his guileless +countenance too often shields him from this searching and wholesome +instrument. When he is sent for a hack buggy and returns after half- +an-hour, with a perplexed face, saying that there is not one to be +had anywhere, who would suspect that he has been holding an auction +at the nearest stand, dwelling on the liberality and wealth of his +master and the distance to which his business that morning will take +him, and that, when he found no one would bid up to his reserve, he +remained firm and came away. Perhaps I seem hard on the dog-boy, but +my experience has not been a happy one. My first seemed to be an +average specimen, moderately clean and well-behaved; but he was not +satisfied with his wages. He assured me that they did not suffice to +fill his stomach. I told him that I thought it would be his father's +duty for some years yet to feed and clothe him, but his young face +grew very sad and he answered softly, "I have no father." So I took +pity on him and raised his pay, at the same time assuring him that, +if he behaved himself, I would take care of him. His principal duty +was to take the faithful Hubshee for a walk morning and evening, and +when he returned he would tell me where he had gone and how he had +avoided consorting with other dog-boys and their dogs. When matters +had gone on in this satisfactory way for some time, I happened to +take an unusual walk one evening, and I came suddenly on a company of +very lively little boys engaged in a most exciting game. Their +shouts and laughter mingled with the doleful howls of a dozen dogs +which were closely chained in a long row to a railing, and among them +I had no difficulty in recognising my Hubshee. Suffice it to say +that my dog-boy returned next day to his father, who proved to be in +service next door. He was succeeded by a smart little fellow, well- +dressed and scrupulously clean, but quite above his profession. It +seemed absurd to expect him to wash a dog, so, on the demise of his +grandmother, or some other suitable occasion, he left me to find more +congenial service elsewhere as a dressing-boy. My next was a charity +boy, the son of an ancient ghorawalla. His father had been a +faithful servant, and as regards domestic discipline, no one could +say he spared the rod and spoiled the child. On the contrary, as +Shelley, I think, expresses it, + + +"He spoilt the rod and did not spare the child." + + +But if my last Boy had been above his work, this one proved to be +below it. You could not easily have disinfected any dog which he had +been allowed to handle. I tried to cure him, but nothing short of +boiling in dilute carbolic acid would have purified him, and even +then the effect would, I feel sure, have been only temporary. So he +returned to his stable litter and I engaged another. This was a +sturdy little man, with a fine, honest-looking face. He had a dash +of Negro blood in him, and wore a most picturesque head-dress. In +fact I felt that, aesthetically, he raised the tone of my house. He +was hardworking, too, and would do anything he was told, so that I +seemed to have nothing to wish for now but that he might not grow old +too soon. But, alas! I started on an excursion one night, leaving +him in charge of my birds. He promised to attend to them faithfully, +and having seen me off, started on an excursion of his own, from +which he did not get back till three o'clock next day. I arrived at +the same moment and he saw me. Quick as thought he raced upstairs, +flung the windows open and began to pull the covers off the bird- +cages; but I came in before the operation could be finished. In the +interests of common morality I thought it best to eject him from the +premises before he had time to frame a lie. About a week after this +I received a petition, signed with his mark, recounting his faithful +services, expressing his surprise and regret at the sudden and +unprovoked manner in which I had dismissed him, and insinuating that +some enemy or rival had poisoned my benevolent mind against him. He +concluded by demanding satisfaction. I wonder what has become of him +since. + +I have said that there is a vein of depravity in the dog-boy, but +there must be a compensating vein of worth of some kind, an Ormuzd +which in the end often triumphs over Ahriman. The influences among +which he developes do little for him. At home he is certainly +subject to a certain rugged discipline; his mother throws stones at +him when she is angry, and his father, when he can catch him, gives +him a cudgeling to be remembered. But when he leaves the parental +roof he passes from all this and is left to himself. Some masters +treat him in a parental spirit and chastise him when he deserves it, +and the Boy tyrannizes over him and twists his ear, but on the whole +he grows as a tree grows. And yet how often he matures into a most +respectable and trustworthy man! + + + +THE GHORAWALLA, OR SYCE + + + +A Boy for yourself, a boy for your dog, then a man for your horse; +that is the usual order of trouble. Of course the horse itself +precedes the horse-keeper, but then I do not reckon the buying of a +horse among life's troubles, rather among its luxuries. It combines +all the subtle pleasures of shopping with a turbid excitement which +is its own. From the moment when you first start from the breakfast- +table at the sound of hoofs, and find the noble animal at the door, +arching his neck and champing his bit, as if he felt proud to bear +that other animal, bandy-legged, mendacious, and altogether ignoble +who sits jauntily on his back, down to the moment when you walk round +to the stable for a little quiet enjoyment of the sense of ownership, +there is a high tide of mental elation running through the days. +Then the Ghorawalla supervenes. + +The first symptom of him is an indent for certain articles which he +asserts to be absolutely necessary before he can enter on his +professional duties. These are a jhule, baldee, tobra, mora, +booroos, bagdoor, agadee, peechadee, curraree, hathalee, &c. It is +not very rational to be angry, for most of the articles, if not all, +are really required. Several of them, indeed, are only ropes, for +the Ghorawalla, or syce, as they call him on the other side of India, +gives every bit of cordage about his beast a separate name, as a +sailor describes the rigging of a ship. But the fact remains that +there is something peculiarly irritating in this first indent. +Perhaps one feels, after buying and paying for a whole horse, that he +might in decency have been allowed to breathe before being asked to +pay again. If this is it, the sooner the delusion is dissipated the +better. You will never have respite from payments while an active- +minded syce remains on your staff. You think you have fitted him out +with everything the heart of syce can desire, and he goes away +seemingly happy, and commences work at once, hissing like twenty +biscobras as he throws himself against the horse, and works his arms +from wrist to elbow into its ribs. It looks as if it would like to +turn round and take a small piece out of his hinder parts with its +teeth, but its nose is tied up to the roof of the stable, and its +hind feet are pulled out and tied to a peg behind it, so that it can +only writhe and cultivate that amiable temper which characterizes so +many horses in this country. And the syce is happy; but his +happiness needs constant sustenance. Next morning he is at the door +with a request for an anna to buy oil. Horses in this country cannot +sleep without a night-light. They are afraid of rats, I suppose, +like ladies. However, it is a small demand; all the syce's demands +are small, so are mosquitoes. Next day he again wants an anna for +oil, but this has nothing to do with the other. Yesterday's was one +sort of oil for burning, this is another sort of oil for cleaning the +bits. To-morrow he will require a third sort of oil for softening +the leather nose-bag, and the oils of the country will not be +exhausted then. Among the varied street-cries of Bombay, the "I- +scream" man, the tala-chavee-walla, the botlee-walla, the vendors of +greasy sweetmeats and bawlee-sugah, the legion of borahs, and that +abominable little imp who issues from the newspaper offices, and +walks the streets, yelling "Telleecram! tellee-c-r-a-a-m!" among them +all there is one voice so penetrating, and so awakening where it +penetrates, that--that I cannot find a fitting conclusion to this +sentence. Who of us has not started at that shrill squeal of pain, +"Nee-ee-ee-ttile!" The Ghorawalla watches for it, and stopping the +good-natured woman, brings her in and submits a request for a bottle +of neat's foot oil, for want of which your harness is going to +destruction. She has blacking as well as oil, but he will call her +in for that afterwards. He never concludes two transactions in one +day. When he has succeeded in reducing you to such a state of +irritability that it is not safe to mention money in your presence, +he stops at once and changes tactics. He brings the horse to the +door with a thick layer of dust on the saddle and awaits your onset +with the intrepid inquiry, "Can a saddle be kept clean without soap?" +I suppose a time will come when he will have got every article he can +possibly use, and it is natural to hope that he will then be obliged +to leave you. But this also is a delusion. On the contrary, his +resources only begin to develop themselves when he has got all he +wants. First one of the leather things on the horse's hind feet +gives way and has to be cobbled, then a rope wears out and must be +replaced, then a buckle gets loose and wants a stitch. But his chief +reliance is on the headstall and the nose-bag. When these have got +well into use, one or other of them may be counted on to give way +about every other day, and when nothing of the original article is +left, the patches of which it is composed keep on giving way. Each +repair costs from one to three pice, and it puzzles one to conceive +what benefit a well-paid groom can derive from being the broker in +such petty transactions. But all the details of life in this country +are microscopical, not only among the poor, but among those whose +business is conducted in lakhs. I have been told of a certain well- +known, wealthy mill-owner who, when a water Brahmin at a railway +station had supplied him and all his attendants with drinking-water, +was seen to fumble in his waistband, and reward the useful man with +one copper pie. A pie at present rates of exchange is worth about +47/128 of a farthing, and it is instructive to note that emergency, +when it came, found this Croesus provided with such a coin. + +Now it is evident that if the syce can extort two pice from you for +repairs and get the work done for five pies, one clear pie will +adhere to his glutinous palm. I do not assert that this is what +happens, for I know nothing about it. All I maintain is that there +is no hypothesis which will satisfactorily explain all the facts, +unless you admit the general principle that the syce derives +advantage of some kind from the manipulation of the smallest copper +coin. One notable phenomenon which this principle helps to explain +is the syce's anxiety to have his horse shod on the due date every +month. If the shoes are put on so atrociously that they stick for +more than a month, I suspect he considers it professional to help +them off. + +Horses in this country are fed mostly on "gram," cicer arietinum, a +kind of pea, which, when split, forms dall, and can be made into a +most nutritious and palatable curry. The Ghorawalla recognises this +fact. If he is modest, you may be none the wiser, perhaps none the +worse; but if he is not, then his horse will grow lean, while he +grows stout. How to obviate this result is indeed the main problem +which the syce presents, and many are the ways in vogue of trying to +solve it. One way is to have the horse fed in your presence, you +doing butler and watching him feed. Another is to play upon the +caste feelings of the syce, defiling the horse's food in some way. I +believe the editor of the Aryan Trumpet considers this a violation of +the Queen's proclamation, and, in any case, it is a futile device. +It may work with the haughty Purdaisee, but suppose your Ghorawalla +is a Mahar, whose caste is a good way below that of his horse? I +have nothing to do with any of these devices. I establish a compact +with my man, the unwritten conditions of which are, that I pay him +his wages, and supply a proper quantity of provender, while he, on +his part, must see that his horse is always fat enough to work, and +himself lean enough to run. If he cannot do this, I propose to find +someone who can. Once he comes to a clear understanding of this +treaty, and especially of its last clause, he will give little +trouble. As some atonement for worrying you so much about the +accoutrements, the Ghorawalla is very careful not to disturb you +about the horse. If the saddle galls it, or its hoof cracks, he +suppresses the fact, and experiments upon the ailment with his own +"vernacular medicines," as the Baboo called them. When these fail, +and the case is almost past cure, he mentions it casually, as an +unfortunate circumstance which has come to his notice. There are a +few things, only a few, which make me feel homicidal, and this is one +of them. + +I cannot find the bright side of the syce: perhaps I am not in a +humour to see it. Looking back down a long avenue of Gunnoos, +Tookarams, Raghoos, Mahadoos and others whose names even have grown +dim, I discern only a monotony of provocation. The fine figure of +old Bindaram stands out as an exception, but then he was a coachman, +and the coachman is to the Ghorawalla, what cream is to skim milk. +The unmitigated Ghorawalla is a sore disease, one of those forms of +suffering which raise the question whether our modern civilization is +anything but a great spider, spinning a web of wants and their +accompanying worries over the world and entangling us all, that it +may suck our life-blood out. In justice I will admit that, as a +runner, the thoroughbred Mahratta Ghorawalla has no peer in the +animal kingdom. A sporting friend and I once engaged in a steeple- +chase with two of them. I was mounted on a great Cape horse, my +friend on a wiry countrybred, and the men on their own proper legs, +curious looking limbs without any flesh on them, only shiny black +leather stretched over bones. The goal was bakshees, twelve miles +away. The ground at first favoured them, consisting of rice fields, +along the bunds of which they ran like cats on a wall. Then we came +to more open country and got well ahead, but at the last mile they +put on the most splendid spurt I ever saw, and won by a hundred +lengths. + +It is also only justice to say that we do not give the Ghorawalla +fair play. We artificialise him, dress him according to our tastes, +conform him to our notions, cramp his ingenuity, and quench his +affections. The Ghorawalla in his native state is no more like our +domesticated Pandoo than the wild ass of Cutch is like the +costermonger's moke. We will have him like our own saddlery, plain +and businesslike, but he is by nature like his national horse gear, +ornamental, and if you let him alone, will effloresce in a red fez +cap, with tassel, and a waistcoat of green baize. In such a guise he +feels worthy to tend a piebald horse, caparisoned in crimson silk, +with a tight martingale of red and yellow cord. He can take an +interest in such a horse, and will himself educate it to walk on its +hind legs and paw the air with its forefeet, or to progress at a +royal amble, lifting both feet on one side at the same time, so that +its body moves as steadily as if on wheels, and, to use the +expressive language of a Brahmin friend of mine, the water in your +stomach is not shaken. He will feed it with balls of ghee and +jagree, that it may become rotund and sleek, he will shampoo its legs +after hard work, and address it as "my son." If it is disobedient, +he will chastise it by plunging his knee into his stomach, and if it +acquits itself well, he will plait its mane and dye the tip of its +tail magenta. This loving relationship between him and his beast +extends even to religion, and the horse enjoys the Hindoo festivals. +During the Dussera it does not work, but comes to the door, festooned +with garlands of marigold, and expects a rupee. + +The coachman is to the Ghorawalla what cream is to skim milk, that is +if you consider his substance. As regards his art he is a foreign +product altogether, and I take little interest in him. There is an +indigenous art of driving in this country, the driving of the +bullock, but that is a great subject. + + + +BOOTLAIR SAHEB--ANGLICE, THE BUTLER + + + +Some dogs, when they hear a fiddle, are forced to turn over on their +backs and howl; some are unmoved by music. So some men are tortured +by every violation of symmetry, while some cannot discern a straight +line. I belong to the former class, and my Butler belongs to the +latter. He WOULD lay the table in a way which almost gave me a crick +in neck, and certainly dislocated my temper, and he would not see +that there was anything wrong. I reasoned with him, for he is an +intelligent man. I pointed out to him, in his own vernacular, that +the knives and forks were not parallel, that the four dishes formed a +trapezium, and that the cruet, taken with any two of the salt +cellars, made a scalene triangle; in short, that there was not one +parallelogram, or other regular figure, on the table. At last a +gleam of light passed over his countenance. Yes, he understood it +all; it was very simple; henceforth I should find everything +straight. And here is the result! He has arranged everything with +the utmost regularity, guiding himself by the creases in the +tablecloth; but, unfortunately, he began by laying the cloth itself +slantwise; consequently, I find myself with my back to one corner of +the room and my face to another, and cannot get rid of the feeling +that everything on the table is slightly the worse for liquor. And +the Butler is in despair. What on earth, he thinks, can be wrong +now? He evidently gives it up, and so do I. + +I have already treated of the Boy, and to devote another chapter to +the Butler may seem like making a distinction where there is no +difference; but there is in reality a radical difference between the +two offices, which is this, that your Boy looks after you, whereas +your Butler looks after the other servants, and you look after him; +at least, I hope you do. From this it follows that the Boy +flourishes only in the free atmosphere of bachelordom. If master +marries, the Boy sometimes becomes a Butler, but I have generally +seen that the change was fatal to him. He feels a share at first in +master's happiness on the auspicious occasion, and begins to fit on +his new dignity. He provides himself with a more magnificent +cumberbund, enlarges the border of gold thread on his puggree, and +furbishes up his English that he may converse pleasantly with mem +saheb. He orders about the other servants with a fuller voice than +before, and when anyone calls for a chair, he no longer brings one +himself, but commands the hamal to do so. He feels supremely happy! +Alas! before the mem saheb has been many weeks in the house, the +change of air begins to disagree with him--not with his body, but +with his spirit, and though he may bear up against it for a time, he +sooner or later asks leave to go to his country. His new mistress is +nothing loth to be rid of him, nor master either, for even his +countenance is changed; and so the Butler's brief reign comes to an +end, and he departs, deploring the unhappy match his master has made. +Why could not so liberal and large-minded a saheb remain unmarried, +and continue to cast the shadow of his benevolence on those who were +so happy as to eat his salt, instead of taking to himself a madam, +under whom there is no peace night or day? As he sits with his +unemployed friends seeking the consolation of the never-failing +beeree, the ex-butler narrates her ladyship's cantankerous ways, how +she eternally fidgeted over a little harmless dust about the corners +of the furniture, as if it was not the nature of dust to settle on +furniture; how she would have window panes washed which had never +been washed before; her meanness in inquiring about the consumption +of oil and milk and firewood, matters which the saheb had never +stooped to look into; and her unworthy and insulting practice of +locking up stores, and doling them out day by day, not to mention +having the cow milked in her presence: all which made him so ashamed +in the presence of the other servants that his life became bitter, +and he was forced to ask for his ruzza. + +Lalla, sitting next to him, remarks that no doubt one person is of +one disposition and another of another disposition. "If it had been +my destiny to remain in the service of Colonel Balloonpeel, all my +days would have passed in peace; but he went to England when he got +his PENCIL. Who can describe the calmness and goodness of his madam. +She never asked a question. She put the keys in the Butler's hand, +and if he asked for money she gave it. But one person is of one +disposition and another is of another disposition." + +"That is true," replies the ex-butler, "but the sahebs are better +than the mem sahebs. The sahebs are hot and get angry sometimes, but +under them a man can live and eat a mouthful of bread. With the mem +sahebs it is nothing but worry, worry, worry. Why is this so dirty? +Who broke that plate? When was that glass cracked? Alas! why do the +sahebs marry such women?" + +Old Ramjee then withdraws his beeree from his mouth and sheds light +on the subject. "You see, in England there are very few women, for +which reason it is that so many sahebs remain unmarried. So when a +saheb goes home to his country for a wife, he must take what he can +get." + +"It is a question of destiny," says Lalla, "with them and with us. +My first wife, who can tell how meek she was? She never opened her +mouth. My present wife is such a sheitan that a man cannot live +under the same roof with her. I have sent her to her country ten +times, but what is the use? Will she stay there? The flavour has +all gone out of my life." + +And they all make noises expressive of sympathy. + +The Butler being commander-in-chief of the household forces, I find +one quality to be indispensable in him, and that is what the natives +call hookoomut, the faculty of so commanding that other men obey. He +has to control a sneaking mussaul, an obstinate hamal, a quarrelsome, +or perhaps a drunken cook, a wicked dog-boy, a proud coachman, and a +few turbulent ghorawallas, while he must conciliate, or outwit, the +opposition headed by the ayah. If he cannot do this there will be +factions, seditions, open mutiny, ending in appeals to you, to which +if you give ear, you will foster all manner of intrigue, and put a +premium on lies and hypocrisy; and it will be strange if you do not +end by punishing the innocent and filling the guilty with unholy joy. +In this country there is only one way of dealing with the squabbles +of domestics and dependents, and that is the method of Gallio, who +was a great man. + +Besides the general responsibilities of his position as C.-in-C., the +Butler has certain specific duties, such as to stand with arms folded +behind you at meal time, to clean the silver, and to go to the bazaar +in the morning. The last seems to be quite as much a prerogative as +a duty, and the cook wants to go to law about it, regarding the +Butler as an unlawful usurper. He asserts his claim by spoiling the +meat which the Butler brings. Of course, there must be some reason +why this duty, or privilege, is so highly valued, and no doubt that +reason is connected with the great Oriental principle, that of +everything a man handles or controls, somewhat should adhere to his +palm; but if you ask how this principle is applied or worked out, I +can only reply that that is a matter on which I believe not one of us +has any information, though for the most part we hold very emphatic +opinions on the subject. I am quite certain that it may be laid down +for a general rule that the Butler prefers indirect to direct +taxation. He certainly would not reduce salt and customs duties to +pave the way for an income tax. Neither would a Viceroy, perhaps, if +he had to stay and reap the fruit of his works, instead of leaving +that to his successor--but that is political reflection which has no +business here. The Butler, I say, wisely prefers indirect taxation +and prospers. How, then, are you to checkmate him? Don't! A wise +man never attempts what cannot be accomplished. I work on the +assumption that my Butler is, like Brutus, an honourable man, +treating him with consideration, and fostering his self-respect, even +at the cost, perhaps, of a little hypocrisy. It is a gracious form +of hypocrisy, and one that often justifies itself in the end, for the +man tends to become what you assume that he is. For myself, I +confess that I yield to the butler's claim to go to market, albeit I +am assured that he derives unjust advantages therefrom, more easily +than I reconcile myself to that other privilege of standing, with +arms folded, behind me while I breakfast, or tiffin, or dine. I can +endure the suspicion that he is growing rich while I am growing poor, +but that argus supervision over my necessary food is like a canker, +and his indefatigable attentiveness would ruin the healthiest +appetite. After removing the cover from the "beefysteak" and raising +one end of the dish that I may get at the gravy more easily, he +offers me potatoes, and I try to overcome an instinctive repugnance +to the large and mealy tuber under which he has adjusted the spoon in +order to lighten my labour. After the potatoes there are vegetables. +Then he moves the salt a little nearer me and I help myself. Next he +presses the cruet-stand on my attention, putting the spoon into the +mustard pot and taking the stopper out of the sauce bottle. I submit +in the hope that I may now be allowed to begin; but he has salad or +tomatoes or something else requiring attention. I submit once more +and then assume my knife and fork. He watches his opportunity and +insinuates a pickle bottle, holding the fork in his right hand. I +feel that it is time to make a stand, so I give him one unspeakable +look and proceed with my meal, whereupon he retreats and I breathe a +little more freely. But no; he is at my left hand again with bread. +To do him justice, he is quite willing to save me annoyance by +impaling a slice on the knife and transferring it to my plate, but I +prefer to help myself, which encourages him to return to the charge +with butter and then jam. This looks like the end, but his resources +are infinite. His eye falls on the sugar basin standing beside my +teacup, and he immediately takes it up and, coming round to my left +side, holds it to my nose. All this time sit I, like Tantalus, with +the savoriest of Domingo's "beefysteaks" before me and am not allowed +to taste it. But I know that in every operation he is animated by an +exalted sense of blended duty and prerogative, and if I could really +open his mind to the thought that the least of his attentions was +dispensable, his whole nature would be demoralized at once; so I +endure and grow lean. Another thing which works towards the same +result is a practice that he has of studying my tastes, and when he +thinks he has detected a preference for a particular dish, plying me +with that until the very sight of it becomes nauseous. At one time +he fed me with "broon custard" pudding for about six months, until in +desperation I interdicted that preparation for evermore, and he fell +back upon "lemol custard." Thus my luxuries are cut off one after +another and there is little left that I can eat. + +Our grandfathers used to have Parsee butlers in tall hats to wait +upon them, but that race is now extinct. The Butler on this side of +India is now a Goanese, or a Soortee, or, more rarely, a Mussulman. +Each of these has, doubtless, his own characteristics; but have you +ever stepped back a few paces and contemplated, not your own or +anyone else's individual servant, but the entire phenomenon of an +Indian Butler? Here is a man whose food by nature is curry and rice, +before a hillock of which he sits cross-legged, and putting his five +fingers into it, makes a large bolus, which he pushes into his mouth. +He repeats this till all is gone, and then he sleeps like a boa- +constrictor until he recovers his activity; or else he feeds on great +flat cakes of wheat flour, off which he rends jagged-pieces and +lubricates them with some spicy and unctuous gravy. All our ways of +life, our meats and drinks, and all our notions of propriety and +fitness in connection with the complicated business of appeasing our +hunger as becomes our station, all these are a foreign land to him: +yet he has made himself altogether at home in them. He has a sound +practical knowledge of all our viands, their substance, and the mode +of their preparation, their qualities, relationships and harmonies, +and the exact place they hold in our great cenatorial system. He +knows all liquors also by name, with their places and times of +appearing. And he is as great in action as in knowledge. When he +takes the command of a burra khana he is a Wellington. He plans with +foresight, and executes with fortitude and self-reliance. See him +marshal his own troops and his auxiliary butlers while he carves and +dispenses the joint! Then he puts himself at their head and invades +the dining-room. He meets with reverses;--the claret-jug collides +with a dish in full sail and sheds its contents on his white coat; +the punkah rope catches his turban and tosses it into a lady's lap, +exposing his curiously shaven head to the public merriment; but, +though disconcerted, he is not defeated. He never forgets his +position or loses sight of his dignity. His mistress discusses him +with such wit as may be at her command, and he understands but smiles +not. When the action is over he retires from the field, divests +himself of his robes of office and sits down, as he was bred to do, +before that hillock of curry and rice. + +Even good Homer nods, and I confess I am still haunted by the memory +of a day when my Chief was my guest, and the butler served up red +herrings neatly done up in--The Times of India! + + + +DOMINGO, THE COOK + + + +I do not remember who was the author of the observation that a great +nation in a state of decay betakes itself to the fine arts. Perhaps +no one has made the observation yet. It is certainly among the +records of my brain, but I may possibly have put it there myself. If +so, I make it now, for the possibilities of originality are getting +scarce and will soon disappear from the face of the earth as +completely as the mastodon. The present application of the saying is +to the people of Goa, who, while they carry through the world +patronymics which breathe of conquest and discovery, devote their +energies rather to the violin and the art of cookery. The caviller +may object to the application of the words "fine art" to culinary +operations, but the objection rests on superficial thought. A deeper +view will show that art is in the artist, not in his subject or his +materials. Perusal of the Codes of the Financial Department showed +me many years ago that the retrenchment of my pay and allowances +could be elevated to a fine art by devotion of spirit, combined with +a fine sense of law. And to Domingo the preparation of dinner is +indeed a fine art. Trammel his genius, confine him within the limits +of what is commonly called a "plain dinner," and he cannot cook. He +stews his meat before putting it into a pie, he thickens his custard +with flour instead of eggs, he roasts a leg of mutton by boiling it +first and doing "littlee brown" afterwards; in short, what does he +not do? It is true of all his race. How loathsome were Pedro's +mutton chops, and Camilo could not boil potatoes decently for a +dinner of less than four courses. But let him loose on a burra +khana, give him carte blanche as to sauces and essences and spicery, +and all his latent faculties and concealed accomplishments unfold +themselves like a lotus flower in the morning. No one could have +suspected that the shame-faced little man harboured such resources. +If he has not always the subtlest perception of the harmonics of +flavours, what a mastery he shows of strong effects and striking +contrasts, what fecundity of invention, what a play of fancy in +decoration, what manual dexterity, what rapidity and certainty in all +his operations! And the marvel increases when we consider the +simplicity of his implements and materials. His studio is fitted +with half a dozen small fireplaces, and furnished with an assortment +of copper pots, a chopper, two tin spoons--but he can do without +these,--a ladle made of half a cocoanut shell at the end of a stick, +and a slab of stone with a stone roller on it; also a rickety table; +a very gloomy and ominous looking table, whose undulating surface is +chopped and hacked and scarred, begrimed, besmeared, smoked, oiled, +stained with juices of many substances. On this table he minces +meat, chops onions, rolls pastry and sleeps; a very useful table. In +the midst of these he hustles about, putting his face at intervals +into one of his fires and blowing through a short bamboo tube, which +is his bellows, such a potent blast that for a moment his whole head +is enveloped in a cloud of ashes and cinders, which also descend +copiously on the half-made tart and the souffle and the custard. +Then he takes up an egg, gives it three smart raps with the nail of +his forefinger, and in half a second the yoke is in one vessel and +the white in another. The fingers of his left hand are his strainer. +Every second or third egg he tosses aside, having detected, as it +passed through the said strainer that age had rendered it unsuitable +for his purposes; sometimes he does not detect this. From eggs he +proceeds to onions, then he is taking the stones out of raisins, or +shelling peas. There is a standard English cookery book which +commences most of its instructions with the formula, "wash your hands +carefully, using a nail brush." Domingo does not observe this +ceremony, but he often wipes his fingers upon his pantaloons. It +occurs to me, however, that I do not wisely pursue this theme; for +the mysteries of Domingo's craft are no fit subject for the +gratification of an irreverent curiosity. Those words of the poet, + + +"Where ignorance is bliss, +'Tis folly to be wise," + + +have no truer application. You will reap the bliss when you sit down +to the savoury result. + +Though Domingo is naturally shy, and does not make a display of his +attainments, he is a man of education, and is quite prepared, if you +wish it, to write out his menu. Here is a sample + + +Soup. +Salary Soup. + +Fis. +Heel fish fry. + +Madish. +Russel Pups. Wormsil mole. + +Joint. +Roast Bastard. + +Toast. +Anchovy Poshteg. + +Puddin. +Billimunj. Ispunj roli. + + +I must take this opportunity to record a true story of a menu, though +it does not properly pertain to Domingo, but an ingenious Ramaswamy, +of Madras. This man's master liked everything very proper, and +insisted on a written menu at every meal. One morning Ramaswamy was +much embarrassed, for the principal dish at breakfast was to be +devilled turkey. "Devil very bad word," he said to himself; "how can +write?" At last he solved the difficulty, and the dish appeared as +"D---d turkey." + +Our surprise at Domingo's attainments is no doubt due very much to +the humble attire in which we are accustomed to see him, his working +dress being a quondam white cotton jacket and a pair of blue checked +pantaloons of a strong material made in jails, or two pairs, the +sound parts of one being arranged to underlie the holes in the other. +When once we have seen the gentleman dressed for church on a festival +day, with the beaver which has descended to him from his illustrious +grandfather's benevolent master respectfully held in his hand, and +his well brushed hair shining with a bountiful allowance of cocoanut +ointment, surprise ceases. He is indeed a much respected member of +society, and enjoys the esteem of his club, where he sometimes takes +chambers when out of employment. By his fellow servants, too, he is +recognised as a professional man, and called The Maistrie, but, like +ourselves, he is an exile, and, like some of us, he is separated from +his wife and children, so his thoughts run much upon furlough and +ultimate retirement, and he adopts a humble style of life with the +object of saving money. In this object he succeeds most remarkably. +Little as we know of the home life of our Hindoo servants, we know +almost less about that of Domingo, for he rarely has his family with +him. Is he a fond husband and an indulgent father? I fancy he is +when his better nature is uppermost, but I am bound to confess that +the cardinal vice of his character is cruelty, not the passive +cruelty of the pure Asiatic, but that ferocious cruelty which +generally marks an infusion of European blood. The infusion in him +has filtered through so many generations that it must be very weak +indeed, but it shows itself. When I see an emaciated crow with the +point of its beak chopped off, so that it cannot pick up its food, or +another with a tin pot fastened with wire to its bleeding nose, I +know whose handiwork is there. Domingo suffers grievously from the +depredations of crows, and when his chance comes he enjoys a savage +retribution. Some allowance must be made for the hardening influence +of his profession; familiarity with murder makes him callous. When +he executes a moorgee he does it in the way of sport, and sits, like +an ancient Roman, verso pollice, enjoying the spectacle of its dying +struggles. + +According to his lights Domingo is a religious man; that is to say, +he wears a necklace of red beads, eats fish on Fridays, observes +festivals and holidays, and gives pretty liberally to the church +under pressure. So he maintains a placid condition of conscience +while his monthly remittance to Goa exceeds the amount of his salary. +He rises early on Sunday morning to go to confession, and I would +give something to have the place, just one day, of the good father to +whom he unbosoms himself. But perhaps I am wrong. I daresay he +believes he has nothing to confess. + +One story more to teach us to judge charitably of Domingo. A lady +was inveighing to a friend against the whole race of Indian cooks as +dirty, disorderly, and dishonest. She had managed to secure the +services of a Chinese cook, and was much pleased with the contrast. +Her friend did not altogether agree with her, and was sceptical about +the immaculate Chinaman. "Put it to the test," said the lady; "just +let us pay a visit to your kitchen, and then come and see mine." So +they went together. What need to describe the Bobberjee-Khana? They +glanced round, and hurried out, for it was too horrible to be endured +long. When they went to the Chinaman's kitchen, the contrast was +indeed striking. The pots and pans shone like silver; the table was +positively sweet; everything was in its proper place, and Chang +himself, sitting on his box, was washing his feet in the soup tureen! + + + +THE MUSSAUL, OR MAN OF LAMPS + + + +The Mussaul's name is Mukkun, which means butter, and of this +commodity I believe he absorbs as much as he can honestly or +dishonestly come by. How else does the surface of him acquire that +glossy, oleaginous appearance, as if he would take fire easily and +burn well? I wish we could do without him! The centre of his +influence, a small room in the suburbs of the dining-room, which he +calls the dispence, or dispence-khana, is a place of unwholesome +sights and noisome odours, which it is good not to visit unless as +Hercules visited the stables of Augeas. The instruments of his +profession are there, a large handie full of very greasy water, with +bits of lemon peel and fragments of broken victuals swimming in it, +and a short, stout stick, with a little bunch of foul rag tied to one +end of it. Here the Mussaul sits on the ice numda while we have our +meals, and as each plate returns from the table, he takes charge of +it, and transfers to his mouth whatever he finds on it, for he is of +the omnivora, like the crow. Then he seizes his weapon of offence, +and, dipping the rag end into the handie, gives the plate a masterly +wipe, and lays it on the table upside down, or dries it with a damask +table napkin. The butler encourages him for some reason to use up +the table napkins in this way. I suppose it is because he does not +like to waste the dhobie on anything before it is properly soiled. +When the Mussaul has disposed of the breakfast things in this summary +way, he betakes himself to the great work of the day, the polishing +of the knives. He first plunges the ivory handles into boiling +water, and leaves them to steep for a time, then he seats himself on +the ice again, and, arranging a plank of wood in a sloping position, +holds it fast with his toes, rubs it well with a piece of bath brick, +and commences to polish with all the energy which he has saved by the +neglect of other duties. Hour after hour the squeaky, squeaky, +squeaky sound of that board plays upon your nerves, not the nerves of +the ear, but the nerves of the mind, for there is more in it than the +ear can convey. Every sight and every sound in this world comes to +us inextricably woven into the warp which the mind supplies, and, as +you listen to that baleful sound, you seem to feel with your finger +points the back of each good, new knife getting sharper and sharper, +and to watch its progress as it wears away at the point of greatest +pressure, until the end of the blade is connected with the rest by a +narrow neck, which eventually breaks, and the point falls off, +leaving the knife in that condition so familiar to us all, when the +blade, about three inches long, ends in a jagged, square point, the +handle having, meanwhile, acquired a rich orange hue. Oh, those +knives! those knives! + +Etymologically Mukkun is a man of lamps, and, when he has brushed +your boots and stowed them away under your bed, putting the left boot +on the right side and vice versa, in order that the toes may point +outwards, as he considers they should, then he addresses himself to +this part of his duty. Old Bombayites can remember the days of +cocoanut, when he had to begin his operations during the cold season +by putting a row of bottles out in the sun to melt the frozen oil; +but kerosine has changed all that, and he has nothing to do but to +trim the wick into that fork-tailed pattern in which he delights, and +which secures the minimum of light with the maximum destruction of +chimneys, to smear the outside of each lamp with his greasy fingers, +to conjure away a gallon or so of oil, and to meet remonstrance with +a child-like query, "Do I drink kerosene oil?" Then he unbends, and +gives himself up to a gentle form of recreation in which he finds +much enjoyment. This is to perch on a low wall or big stone at the +garden gate, and watch the carriages and horses as they pass by. +Other Mussauls, ghorawallas, and passing ice coolies stop and perch +beside him, and sometimes an ayah or two, with a perambulator and its +weary little occupant, grace the gathering. I suppose the topics of +the day are discussed, the chances of a Russian invasion, the +dearness of rice, and the events which led to the dismissal of Mr. +Smith's old Mussaul Canjee. Then the time for the lighting of lamps +arrives, and Mukkun returns to his duties. + +You might not perhaps suspect it, but Mukkun is a prey to vanity. +The pure oily transparency of his Italian complexion commands his +admiration, and he thinks much of those glossy love-locks which +emerge from his turban and curl in front of his ears. Several times +a day he goes into his room to contemplate himself in a small hand +mirror, and to wind up the love-locks on his finger. Poor Mukkun +has, indeed, a very human side, and the phenomenon which we recognise +as our Mussaul is not the whole of him. By birth he is an +agriculturist, and there is in the environs of Surat a little plot of +land and a small dilapidated hut in one corner of it, overgrown with +monstrous gourds, which he thinks of as home, sweet home. There are +his young barbarians all at play, but he, their sire, is forced to +seek service abroad because, as he practically expresses it, the +produce of his small field is not sufficient to fill so many bellies. +But, wherever he wanders, his heart--for he has a heart--flutters +about that rickety hut, and as he sits polishing your boots of a +morning, you may hear him pensively humming to himself:-- + + +Beatus ille qui, procul negotiis, + Ut prisca gens mortalium, +Paterna rura bobus exercet suis, + Solutus omni foenore. + + +He puts a peculiar pathos into the last line, for he is grievously +haunted by an apparition in the form of an old man with a small red +turban, gold earrings, and grey beard parted in the middle, who +flourishes a paper in his face and talks of the debtors' gaol; and +hints that he will have the little house and field near Surat. +Mukkun first fell into the net of this spider many years ago, when he +wanted a few hundred rupees to enable him to celebrate the marriage +of his little child. He signed a bond for twice the amount he +received then, and it continues to increase from year to year, though +he has paid the principal twice over in interest; at least he thinks +he has, but he is not a good accountant. Every now and then he is +required to sign some fresh document, of the contents of which he +knows nothing, but the effect of which is always the same--viz., to +heap up his liabilities and rivet his fetters more firmly, and +punctually on pay day every month, the grim old man waylays him and +compels him to disgorge his wages, allowing him so much grain and +spices as will keep him in condition till next pay day. In a word, +Mukkun is a slave. Yet he does not jump into the garden well, nor +his quietus make with a bare bodkin. No, he plods through life, eats +his rice and curry with gusto, smokes his cigarette with +satisfaction, oils his lovelocks, borrows money from the cook to buy +a set of silver buttons for his waistcoat, and when he tires of them, +pawns them to pay for a velvet cap on which he has set his heart. In +short, he behaves a la Mukkun, and no insight is to be had by +examining his case through English spectacles; but it is our strange +infirmity, being the most singular people on earth, to regard +ourselves as typical of the human race, and ergo to conclude that +what is good for us cannot be otherwise than good for all the world. +Hence many of our anti-tyranny agitations and philanthropies, not +always beneficial to the subjects of them, and also many of our +misplaced sympathies. We see a spider eating a fly, and long to +crush the spider, while we shed a tear for the fly. But the spider +is much the higher animal of the two. It labours long hours laying +out a net, and then waits all day for the fruit of its toil. Insects +are caught and escape again, the net gets broken, and when, after +many disappointments, the spider secures a fat fly, what advantage +does it derive? A meal; just what the fly got by sitting in a pit of +manure and sipping till it could sip no more. Doom that fly to the +life which the spider leads, and it would drown itself in your milk +jug on the spot, unable to bear up under such a weight of care and +toil. In this parable the fly is Mukkun and the spider is Shylock, +and my sympathies are not wholly given to the former. I quite admit +that Shylock worries him cruelly, and if he had not given hostages to +fortune, he would abscond with a light heart to some distant station +where he might forget his old debts and contract new ones. But this +is not the alternative before him. The alternative is to take care +of his money, not to buy things which he cannot afford, to do without +the silver buttons, and postpone the velvet cap, all which would put +a strain on his mental and moral constitution, under which he would +wear out in a week. He must find some other modus vivendi than that. +If he had lived in the world's infancy, he would have sold himself +and his family to someone who would have fed him and clothed him, and +relieved him of the cares of life. But Britons never, never, never +shall be slaves, and under our rule Mukkun is forced to share that +disability; so he attains his end in an indirect way, and lives +thereafter in such happiness as nature has given him capacity to +enjoy. Shylock will neither put him into gaol nor seize his field. +We do not send our milch cow to the butcher. Shylock owns a hundred +such as he, and much trouble they give him. + +Mukkun lives in dread of the devil. Nothing will induce him to pass +at night by places where the foul fiend is known to walk, nor will he +sleep alone without a light. + + + +THE HAMAL + + + +The Hamal is a creature which gets up very early in the morning, +before anyone is out of bed, and opens the doors and windows with as +much noise as may be. He leaves the hooks unfastened, that a feu-de- +joie may celebrate the advent of the first gust of wind. He drops +the lower bolts of the doors, so that they may rake up the matting +every time they are opened. Then he proceeds to dust the furniture +with the duster which hangs over his shoulder. He does this because +it is his duty, and with no view to any practical result; +consequently it never occurs to him to look at what he is doing, and +you will afterwards find curiously shaped patches of dust which have +escaped the sweep of his "towal." He next turns his attention to the +books in the bookcase, and we are all familiar with his ravages +there. He is usually content to bang them well with his duster, but +I refer to high days, when he takes each book out and caresses it on +both sides, replacing it upside down, and putting the different +volumes of each work on different shelves. All this he does, not of +malice, but simply because 'tis his nature to. He does not disturb +the cobwebs on the corners of the bookcase, because you never told +him to do so. As he moves grunting about the room, the duster falls +from his shoulder, and he picks it up with his toes to avoid the +fatigue of stooping. When all the dusting is done, and the table- +covers and ornaments are replaced, then he proceeds to shake the +carpets and sweep the floor, for it is one of his ways, when left to +himself, to dust first and sweep after. Finally he disposes of the +rubbish which his broom has collected, by stowing it away under a +cupboard, or pushing it out over the doorstep among the ferns and +calladiums. + +Such is the Hamal in his youth, and as he grows older he gets more +so. About middle life he sets hard, like plaster of Paris, his +senses get obfuscated, and a shell appears to form on the outside of +his intellect, so that access to his understanding becomes very +difficult. Sometimes his temper also grows crabbed, and noli me +tangere writes itself distinctly across the mark of his god on his +old brow. A Hamal in this phase is the most impracticable animal in +this universe. When found fault with, he never answers back, but he +enters on a vigorous conversation with himself, which is like a tune +on a musical box, for it must be allowed to go until it runs itself +out; nothing short of smashing the instrument will stop it. How well +I remember one veteran of this type, from whose colloquies with his +own soul I gathered that he had been fifty-six years in gentlemen's +service, and never served any but gentlemen until he came to me. He +computed his age, I think, at seventy-two, and asked leave to attend +the funeral of his grandfather. Sometimes, happily, the Hamal's +senility takes the direction of benevolence. Who does not know the +benign, stupid old man, with his snowy whiskers and kindly smile, +which seems to grow kindlier with every tooth he loses! + +It is a practical question whether you should endure the Hamal, or +address yourself to the task of his reformation, and I am content to +make myself singular by advocating the latter for two reasons; +firstly, because he cannot be endured; secondly, because I cherish a +fantastic faith in his reformability,--at least if you take him in +his youth, before he has set. I believe we fail to cure him either +because we do not try, or because we dismiss him before we succeed. +Another great impediment to success in this enterprise is the foolish +habit of getting wrathful. An untimely explosion of wrath will +generally blow a sensitive Hamal's wits quite out of his own reach, +and of course, out of yours; or, if he is of the stolid sort, he will +set it down as a phenomenon incidental to sahebs, but without any +bearing on the matter in hand, and he will go on as before. Besides, +a state of indignation is very detrimental to your own command of the +language, and if you could in cold blood take your "Forbes" and study +some of the sentences which you fulminated in your ebullitions of +anger, you would cease to wonder that the subject of them was such an +idiot. + + +Hum roz roz hookum day, +Tum roz roz hookum nay, +Ooswasty lukree--(whack, whack) + + +went home, I have no doubt, but it is the gift of few to be at once +so luminous and so forcible. Try handling your Hamal in another way. +Call him mildly--a mild tone thaws his understanding--and say to him, +"Look here, my son. Do you see this gold writing on the backs of +these books? For what purpose is it?" He will reply, "Who knows?" +Then you can proceed, "That writing is the mark by which you may know +the head of any book. Now consider, should a book stand on its +head?" If he replies, "How should a book stand on its head?" then +you are getting access to his intelligence, and may lead him on +gradually to the conclusion that, whenever he puts a book into the +shelves, he should make it stand so that the writing on the back of +it may be uppermost. I tell you he will beam with intelligence, and +rise earlier next morning to put his new learning into practice. +After a few days he will forget and relapse into his old ways, but +you must have patience. + +After all, I think we could put up with the Hamal if only he would +not try to think. This is his crowning vice. In vain I try to +impress upon him that I engaged him to obey orders, and would rather +do the thinking myself. Every now and then, at some particular phase +of the moon, he sets his intellect in operations and the consequences +are, as the Brahmin boy described the result of his examination, +"appalling." It was our Hamal's duty to fill the filter, and at a +time when the water was very bad, orders were given that it should be +boiled before being filtered. One day, my wife saw the Hamal in the +act of filling the filter, and it occurred to her to warn him to let +the water cool first, lest he might crack the filter. "Oh yes," said +he, "I thought of that. After boiling the water, I cool it down by +mixing an equal quantity of cold water with it, and then I put it +into the filter." + +In Bombay, since hard times set in, the offices of Hamal and mussaul +have got a little mixed, and a man will show you characters +testifying that he has served in both capacities. Such a man is, +properly speaking, simply a mussaul who has tried to do the Hamal's +work. The cleaner of furniture and the lighter of lamps and washer +of plates and dishes cannot change places or be combined. I have +read that the making of one English pin employs nine men, but it is a +vain boast. The rudiments of division of labour are not understood +in Europe. In this country every trade is a breed. Rama is by birth +a cleaner of furniture. This kind of employment came into the +country with our rule, so that the domestic Hamal, who is an offshoot +of the palkee hamal, or "bearer," has not had time to become what +fanciers would call a permanent strain, and you will find that you +can convert Rama into a chupprasse, a malee, or even a ghorawalla, +but into a mussaul never. He is a shoodra, sprung from the feet of +Brahma, and the Brahman, who sprung from the head of the same figure, +despises him, but not with that depth of contempt with which he +himself despises the mussaul, who is an outcast, and sprang from +nowhere in particular. He cannot conceive that thirty generations of +washing could purify the descendants of Mukkun so that he might touch +them and not be unclean. You, his master, rank theoretically with +Mukkun, and he will neither touch your meats nor the plate off which +you have eaten them. He will keep your house clean, and even perform +some personal services, for he has a liberal mind, and is there not +also a toolsee plant in a pot on a kind of earthen altar in front of +his hut, before which he performs purificatory ceremonies every +morning? And does he not bathe after leaving your presence before he +eats? If you pass by the clean place where he is about to cook his +food in the morning, you will see a large pot of water on the fire. +When this gets warm--for Rama is not a Spartan--he will stand on a +smooth stone, as sparingly clad as it is possible to be, and pour the +water on his head, polishing himself vigorously as it runs down his +limbs; then, after dressing his long hair and tying it in a knot on +the top of his head, he will sit down to eat, in a place by himself, +with the feeling that he has warded off defilement from that which +goeth in at his mouth. That which goeth out of his mouth gives him +no concern. + + + +THE BODY-GUARDS + + + +Our Chupprassees are the outward expression of our authority, and the +metre-gauge of our importance. By them the untutored mind of the +poor Indian is enabled to estimate the amount of reverence due to +each of us. This is the first purpose for which we are provided with +Chupprassees. The second is that they may deliver our commands, post +our letters, and escort the coming generation of Government servants +in their little perambulators. As the number required for the first +purpose usually far exceeds the number required for the second, there +is danger of Satan finding mischief for their idle hands to do, and +it becomes our duty to ward off this danger by occupying their hands +with something which is not mischief. This we do faithfully, and the +Chupprassee always reminds me of those tools we see advertised, which +combine hammer, pincers, turnscrew, chisel, foot-rule, hatchet, file, +toothpick, and life preserver. Mrs. Smart bewailed the bygone day +when every servant in her house was a Government Chupprassee except +the khansamah and a Portuguese ayah. I did not live in that day, but +in my own I have seen the Chupprassee discharge many functions. He +is an expert shikaree, sometimes a good tailor or barber, not a bad +cook at a pinch, a handy table boy, and, above all an unequalled +child's servant. There can be little doubt, it the truth were told, +that Little Henry's bearer was a Chupprassee. He also milks the cow, +waters the garden, catches butterflies, skins birds, blows eggs, and +runs after tennis balls. If you ask himself what his duties are, he +will reply promptly that it is his duty to wear the sircar's belt and +to "be present." And the camel is not more wonderfully fitted for +the desert than is Luxumon for the discharge of these solemn +responsibilities. He is like a carriage clock, able to sleep in any +conceivable position; and such is his mental constitution that, when +not sleeping, he is able to "be present" hour after hour without +feeling any desire for change of occupation. Ennui never troubles +him, time never hangs heavy on his hands; he sits as patiently as a +cow and chews the cud of pan suparee, and he bespatters the walls +with a sanguinary pigment produced by the mastication of the same. +He needs no food, but he goes out to drink water thirty-five times a +day, and, when he returns refreshed, a certain acrid odour penetrates +every crevice of the house, almost dislodging the rats and +exterminating the lesser vermin. To liken it to the smell of tobacco +would give civilized mankind a claim against me for defamation of +character. + +I will sketch my ideal of a model Chupprassee. He is a follower of +the Prophet, for your Gentoo has too many superstitions and scruples +to be generally useful. He parts his short black beard in the middle +and brushes it up his cheek on either side, the ends of his moustache +are trimly curled, he wears his turban a little on one side, carries +himself like a soldier, and is always scrupulously clean. He comes +into your presence with a salutation which expresses his own dignity, +while it respects yours. He wishes to know whether the protector of +the poor has any commands for his slave. When you intimate your +wishes he responds with a formula which is the same for all +occasions--"Your Lordship's commands shall be executed." And they +are executed. If he knows of difficulties or impossibilities, he +keeps them to himself. Alas! this is an ideal, how antipodal +sometimes to the real! I am thinking of the gigantic Sheikh Mahomed, +with his terrible beard and womanly voice, who would convey my +commands to a menial of lower degree and return in five minutes to +detail the objections which that person had raised. Another type of +Mahomedan Chupprassee, whom we see is to abhor, expresses his opinion +of himself by letting half a yard of rag hang down from his turban +behind. He calls himself a Syed and, perhaps, on account of the +sanctity implied in this, forbears to wash himself or his clothes. +This man is clever, officious, familiar, servile, and very fond of +the position of umbrella-bearer in ordinary to your person: +therefore, transfer him to the personal staff of some native +dignitary, where he will be appreciated. If my model does not suit +you, there are many types to choose from. We have the lofty and +sonorous Purdaisee, the Rajpoot, son of kings, the Bhundaree, or +hereditary climber of palm trees, the Israelite, the low caste, +useful, intelligent Mahar, and many more. Even the Brahmin in this +iron age becomes a Chupprassee. But three-fourths of all our belted +satellites come from one little district south of Bombay, known to +our fathers as Rutnagherry, re-christened Ratnagiri by the Hon. W. W. +Hunter, C.I.E., A.B.C., D.E.F., etc. Every country has its own +special products; the Malabar Coast sends us cocoanuts and pepper; +artichokes come from Jerusalem; ducks, lace, cooks, and fiddlers from +Goa. So Rutnagherry produces pineapples and Mahrattas, and the +Mahrattas do not eat the pineapples. Till quite recently they +employed themselves exterminating each other, burning each other's +villages and crops, and inventing new ways of torturing old men to +make them confess where their money was buried. We have stopped +these practices without stopping the religious arrangements for +keeping up the supply of the race; so the Mahratta marries, as in +duty bound, and multiplies, and then casts about for some way of +maintaining his growing family; and our Chupprassee system, looked at +politically, is a grand escape pipe. Pandurang Huree gives the +Mahrattas the palm, as liars, over all the other races of India. He +may be right, but where excellence is so universal, comparison +becomes doubly odious. Some Mahrattas put rao after their names and +treat themselves with much respect, especially if they can grow a +little island of whisker on each cheek and run the moustache into it. +These men differ from common Mahrattas in the same way as Mr. +Wilberforce Jones, or Mr. Palmerston Smith, differs from the ordinary +run of Joneses and Smiths. + +How uniformly does ambition rule us all! The young rao, fired by the +hope of wearing a belt, makes a bold resolve to leave his father and +mother, his wife and children, his brothers, their wives and +children, his uncles, aunts, and cousins, and the little hut in which +they have all lived so happily since he was a little, naked, crawling +thing, dressed in a silver rupee. He looks for the last time on the +buffalo and the lame pariah dog, ties up his cooking pots and a +change of raiment in a red handkerchief, and starts on foot, amid the +howling of females, for the great town, a hundred miles away, where +the brother-in-law of his cousin's wife's uncle is on the personal +staff of the Collector. He fears that the water of the place may not +suit his constitution, but he risks that and other unknown perils. +Arriving at his destination, he works his interest by quartering +himself on his influential connection, who, finding that an extra +seer of rice has to be boiled for every meal, leaves no stone +unturned to find employment for him. First a written petition is +drawn up by the local petition writer, in the following terms "Most +Honoured and Respected Sir,--Although I am conscious that my present +step will apparently be deemed an unjustifiable and unpardonable one, +tantamounting to a preposterous hardihood in presuming to trespass +(amidst your multifarious vocations) on your valuable time, yet +placing implicit reliance on your noble nature and magnanimity of +heart, I venture to do so, and ardently trust you will pardon me. +Learning that a vacancy of a sepoy has occurred under your kind +auspices, I beg most respectfully to tender my services for the same, +and crave your permission to invite your benign attention to the +episodes of my chequered life, though of a doleful and sombre nature, +and CONCATENATION of melancholy events that have made their +visitations. My eldest brother died one year since, leaving an +heritage of a relict and two female issues to bemoan and lament his +premature and irreparable loss. And two months since my revered +parent paid debt of nature, at 2 p.m. on 15th February, A.D. 18--, +thus leaving the entire burden of 13 (thirteen) souls on my +individual shoulders, which, in my present and forlorn +circumferences, I am unable to cope with. I, therefore, throw myself +on your benevolent clemency and humane consideration, and implore you +to confer the vacancy in question which will enable me to meet the +daily unavoidable returning requisites of domestic life in all their +varied ramifications, and relieve a famishing family from the jaws of +penury and privation. By thus delivering me from an impending +impossibility most prejudicial to my purse resources, you will confer +on your humble servant a boon which will be always vivid on the +tablet of my breast, never to be effaced until the period that I am +sojurning on the stage of this sublunary world's theatre." The +petition goes on to explain that all the unhappy petitioner's efforts +to earn an honest livelihood by the perspiration of his brow have +been frustrated owing to the sins committed by his soul in a former +birth, and ends with religious reflections and prayers. While this +is presented to the Collector, the candidate stands under a tree at +some distance and rehearses, with palpitating heart, the salaam he +will make if admitted to the august presence. Life and death seem to +hang on the impression which may be produced by that salaam. But the +cousin's wife's uncle's brother-in-law sets other machinery in +motion. He humbles himself and makes up an old quarrel with the +Naik; he flatters the butler till that great man is pleased and +promises his influence; and he wins the Sheristedar's vote by telling +him earnestly that all the district knows he is virtually the +Collector and whatever he recommends is done. Nor is the ayah +forgotten, for the ayah has access to the madam, and by that route +certain shameful matters affecting a rival candidate will reach the +saheb. Now, supposing that the sins of a former birth fail to +checkmate all these machinations, and that the new arrival actually +finds himself swimming in the unfathomed bliss of a belt with a brass +plate, and a princely income of seven Queen's rupees every month, who +could foretell that almost before a year has passed he will again be +floundering in the mire of disappointed ambition? Yet so it is. He +hears of another Chupprassee with only eleven months' service against +his twelve, who has been promoted to eight rupees, and immediately +the canker of discontent eats into his heart. Later on he finds that +the cup of his happiness will never be quite full until he gets ten +rupees a month, and when he has reached that giddy height, he will +see dawning on his horizon the strange and beautiful hope that he may +be a Naik. It is a desperate ambition-- + + +"He who ascends to mountain tops shall find +The highest peaks most wrapped in clouds and snow; +He who surpasses or subdues mankind +Must look down on the hate of those below." + + +Subordinate Chupprassees will slight his authority, his fellow Naiks +will disparage him, disappointed rivals will send in anonymous +petitions accusing him of all manner of villanies of which he is not +guilty, and, worse still, revealing the little briberies and +oppressions of which he is not innocent. But who of us learns wisdom +in these matters? The Naik soon comes to feel that if justice were +done to merit, he would be a Havildar. After he has attained that +proud distinction, he retires to "husband out life's taper at its +close" in the same old hut, amidst the same conglomerate of +relations, but nephews and nieces, and grandchildren have taken the +place of uncles and aunts and parents. The buffalo and the pariah +dog are apparently the same. Then the whole range of official +machinery is put in motion to reward his long and faithful services, +and the Governor in Council grants him the maximum pension of four +rupees a month, subject to the approval of the Viceroy, and he spends +his few remaining days in gratitude to the Sircar. But one thing +rankles in his mind. Babajee, not nearly so good-looking a fellow as +himself, rose to be a Jemadar. + +Ambition has, however, another more golden career for an enterprising +and ingenious Chupprassee; for is he not the portal through which the +humble petitioner may have access to the Collector, whose smile is +prosperity and his frown destruction? And must not the hinges of the +portal be oiled that they may open smoothly? Therefore, the +inimitable Sir Ali Baba made a point of dismissing a Chupprassee +whenever he began to grow fat, and he was wise, but in applying the +rule you must have regard to the man's rank. The belt of an ordinary +peon may range from twenty to thirty inches according to length of +service, promotion to a Naik's position will add about three inches, +a Havildar will run to thirty-six or thirty-seven, and a Jemadar must +have something crabbed in his disposition if he does not attain to +forty-two inches. These are normal measurements,--they consistent +with strict integrity as understood in the East. By the blessing of +good temper and an easy life they may be slightly exceeded, but the +itching palm brings on a kind of dropsy easily recognisable to the +practised eye. I have seen an unjust Jemadar who might have walked +with Sir John Falstaff. + + +Falstaff: My honest lads, I will tell you what I am about. + +Pistol: Two yards, and more. + + + +THAT DHOBIE! + + + +I am an amateur philosopher and amuse myself detecting essence +beneath semblance and tracing the same principle running through +things the outward aspect of which is widely different. I have +studied the Dhobie in this spirit and find him to be nothing else +than an example of the abnormal development, under favourable +conditions, of a disposition which is not only common to humanity, +but pervades the whole animal kingdom. A puppy rending slippers, a +child tearing up its picture books, a mungoose killing twenty +chickens to feed on one, a freethinker demolishing ancient +superstitions, what are they all but Dhobies in embryo? Destruction +is so much easier than construction, and so much more rapid and +abundant in its visible results, that the devastator feels a jubilant +joy in his work, of which the tardy builder knows nothing. As the +lightning scorns the oak, as the fire triumphs over the venerable +pile, as the swollen river scoffs at the P. W. D., while arch after +arch tumbles into its gurgling whirlpools, so the Dhobie, dashing +your cambric and fine linen against the stones, shattering a button, +fraying a hem, or rending a seam at every stroke, feels a triumphant +contempt for the miserable creature whose plodding needle and thread +put the garment together. This feeling is the germ from which the +Dhobie has grown. Day after day he has stood before that great black +stone and wreaked his rage upon shirt and trowser and coat, and coat +and trowser and shirt. Then he has wrung them as if he were wringing +the necks of poultry, and fixed them on his drying line with thorns +and spikes, and finally he has taken the battered garments to his +torture chamber and ploughed them with his iron, longwise and +crosswise and slantwise, and dropped glowing cinders on their +tenderest places. Son has followed father through countless +generations in cultivating this passion for destruction, until it has +become the monstrous growth which we see and shudder at in the +Dhobie. + +But I find in him, at least, an illustration of another human +infirmity. He takes in hand to eradicate the dirt which defiles the +garment. But the one is closely mingled with the very fibres of the +other, the one is impalpable, the other bulky and substantial, and so +the torrent of his zealous rage unconsciously turns against the very +substance of that which he set himself lovingly to purge and restore +to its primitive purity. Indeed, I sometimes find that, while he has +successfully wrecked the garment, he has overlooked the dirt! +Greater and better men than the Dhobie are employed in the same way. + +Such are the consolations of philosophy, + + +"But there was never yet philosopher +Who could endure the toothache patiently," + + +much less the Dhobie. He is not tolerable. Submit to him we must, +since resistance is futile; but his craven spirit makes submission +difficult and resignation impossible. If he had the soul of a +conqueror, if he wasted you like Attilla, if he flung his iron into +the clothes-basket and cried Vae victis, then a feeling of respect +would soften the bitterness of the conquered; but he conceals his +ravages like the white ant, and you are betrayed in the hour of need. +When he comes in, limping and groaning under his stupendous bundle, +and lays out khamees, pyatloon, and pjama, all so fair and decently +folded, and delivers them by tale in a voice whose monotonous cadence +seems to tell of some undercurrent of perennial sorrow in his life, +who could guess what horrors his perfidious heart is privy to? Next +morning, when you spring from your tub and shake out the great jail +towel which is to wrap your shivering person in its warm folds, lo! +it yawns from end to end. There is nothing but a border, a fringe, +left. You fling on your clothes in unusual haste, for it is mail day +morning. The most indispensible of them all has scarcely a remnant +of a button remaining. You snatch up another which seems in better +condition, and scramble into it; but, in the course of the day, a +cold current of wind, penetrating where it ought not, makes you aware +of what your friends behind your back have noticed for some time, +viz., that the starch with which a gaping rent had been carefully +gummed together, that you might not see it, has melted and given way. +The thought of these things makes a man feel like Vesuvius on the eve +of an eruption; but you must wait for relief till Dhobie day next +week, and then the poltroon has stayed at home, and sent his brother +to report that he is suffering from a severe stomachache. When the +miscreant makes his next appearance in person, he stands on one leg, +with joined palms and a piteous bleat, and pleads an alibi. He was +absent about the marriage of a relation, and his brother washed the +clothes. So your lava falls back into its crater, or, I am afraid, +more often overflows the surrounding country. + +My theory of the Dhobie is a mere speculation, a hypothesis deduced +from broad, general principles. I do not pretend to have established +it by scientific observation, and am very tolerant towards other +theories, especially one which is supported by many competent +authorities, and explains the Dhobie by supposing a league between +him, the dirzee and the Boy. I think a close investigation into the +natural history of the shirt would go far to establish this theory as +at least partially true. In spite of the spread of "Europe" shops, +the shirt is still abundantly produced from the vernacular dirzee +sitting crossed-legged in the verandah, and each shirt will be found +to furnish him, on the average, with about a week's lucrative +employment. From his hands it passes to the Dhobie and returns with +the buttons wanting, the buttonholes widened to great gaping fish- +mouths, and the hems of the cuffs slightly frayed. The last is the +most significant fact, because it leads to the discovery of one of +those delicate adaptations which the student of nature has so often +occasion to admire; for, on examination, we discover that the hem had +been made with the least possible margin of cloth, as if to +facilitate the process of fraying. As we know that economy of +material is not an object with the dirzee, it has been maintained +that there is some connection here. Next the shirt passes into the +hands of the Boy, who takes his scissors and carefully pares the +ragged edges of the cuffs and collar. A few rotations of Dhobie and +Boy reduce the cuffs to the breadth of an inch, while the collar +becomes a circular saw which threatens to take your head off. Then +you fling the shirt to your Boy, and the dirzee is in requisition +again. Observation of white trousers will lead to similar results. +Between Dhobie's fury and Boy's repairs, the ends of the legs retreat +steadily upwards to your knees, and by the time the Boy inherits them +they are just his length. Remember, I do not say I believe in this +explanation of the Dhobie. I give it for what it is worth. The +subject is interesting and practical. + +Did you ever open your handkerchief with the suspicion that you had +got a duster into your pocket by mistake, till the name of De Souza +blazoned on the corner showed you that you were wearing someone +else's property? An accident of this kind reveals a beneficent +branch of the Dhobie's business, one in which he comes to the relief +of needy respectability. Suppose yourself (if you can) to be Mr. +Lobo, enjoying the position of first violinist in a string band which +performs at Parsee weddings and on other festive occasions. Noblesse +oblige; you cannot evade the necessity for clean shirt-fronts, ill +able as your precarious income may be to meet it. In these +circumstances a Dhobie with good connections is what you require. He +finds you in shirts of the best quality at so much an evening, and +you are saved all risk and outlay of capital; you need keep no +clothes except a greenish black surtout and pants and an effective +necktie. In this way the wealth of the rich helps the want of the +poor without their feeling it, or knowing it--an excellent +arrangement. Sometimes, unfortunately, Mr. Lobo has a few clothes of +his own, and then, as I have hinted, the Dhobie may exchange them by +mistake, for he is uneducated and has much to remember; but, if you +occasionally suffer in this way, you gain in another, for Mr. Lobo's +family are skilful with the needle, and I have sent a torn garment to +the washing which returned skilfully repaired. + +I suspect I am getting bitter and ironical, and it will be wise to +stop, for we are fickle creatures, the best of us, and it is quite +possible that, in the mild twilight of life, in the old country, I +shall find myself speaking benevolently of the Dhobie, and secretly +wishing I could hear his plaintive monotone again counting out my +linen at four rupees a hundred. + + + +THE AYAH + + + +I was roaming among the flower-beds and bowers of a "Peri's +Paradise," known in Bombay as The Ladies Gymkhana, when I was +startled by a voice like the sound of a passionate cart-wheel +screaming for grease. "Lub ob my heart," it cried, "my eshweet, +don't crei! don't crei!" The owner of the voice was a woman with a +negro type of countenance, as far as I remember, but her figure has +remained with me better than her face. It was a portly figure, like +that of a domestic duck in high condition, and her gait was, as Mr. +Onoocool Chunder Mookerjee would say, "well quadrate" to the figure. +Engulphed in her voluminous embrace was a little cherub, with golden +curls and blue eyes dewy with passing tears--a pretty study of +sunshine and shower. The great, bare arms of the pachyderm were +loaded with bangles of silver and glass, which jingled with a warlike +sound as she hugged her little charge and plastered its pretty cheeks +with great gurgling kisses, which made one shudder and think +involuntarily of the "slime which the aspic leaves upon the caves of +Nile." Many of us have been Anglo-Indian babies. Was there a time +when we suffered caresses such as these? What a happy thing it is +that Lethe flows over us as we emerge from infancy, and blots out all +that was before. Another question has been stirring in my mind since +that scene. What feeling or motive prompted those luscious +blandishments? Was it simple hypocrisy? I do not think so. The +pure hypocrite is much rarer than shallow people think, and, in any +case, there was no inducement to make a display in my presence. What +influence could I possibly exercise over the fortunes of that great +female? A maternal hippopotamus in the Zoo would as soon think of +hugging a young giraffe to propitiate the spectators. Of course you +may take up the position that the hypocrisy is practised all day +before her mistress, and that the mere momentum of habit carries it +on at other times. This is plausible, but I suspect that such a case +would rather come under the fundamental law that action and reaction +are equal and opposite. Let us be charitable and look for better +reasons. The mere milk of human kindness explains something, but not +enough, and I am inclined to think that the Ayah is the subject of an +indiscriminate maternal emotion, which runs where it can find a +channel. The effect of culture is to specialise our affections and +remove us further and further from the condition of the hen whose +philoprogenitiveness embraces all chicks and ducklings; so it may +well be that the poor Ayah, who has not had much culture, is better +able than you or I to feel promiscuously parental towards babies in +general, at least, if she can connect them in any way with herself. +Towards babies in the care of another Ayah she has no charity; they +are the brood of a rival hen and she would like to exterminate them. +Again, we must love and hate, if we live at all. The Ayah's horizon +is not wide, her sentiments are neither numerous nor complex, and her +affections are not trained to lay hold of the abstract or the +historical. If you question her, you will find that her heart does +not bleed for the poor negro, and she is not in the habit of +regarding the Emperor Caligula with abhorrence. She has one or two +brothers or sisters, but they are far away and have become almost as +historical as Caligula. In these circumstances, if she could not +feel motherly towards babies, what feeling would be left to her? +And, perhaps, if we knew her story, baby has a charm to open up an +old channel, long since dry and choked with the sands of a desert +life, in which a gentle stream of tenderness once flowed, with +"flowerets of Eden" on its banks, and fertilised her poor nature. +But we do not know her story. She says her husband is a cook. More +about him she does not say, but she hugs "Sunny Baba" to her breast +and kisses him and says that nothing shall ever part her from him +till he grows to be a great saheb, with plenty of pay, when he will +pension her and take care of her in her old age. And her eyes get +moist, for she means it more or less; but next day she catches a cold +and refuses food, saying that all her bones ache and her head is +revolving; then the horror of dying among strangers, "unhouseled, +disappointed, unaneled," proves too much for the faithful creature, +and she disappears without notice, leaving her darling and its mother +to look out for another Ayah. + +It is a fortunate thing for us that the Ayah is able to conceive such +a devouring passion for our children, for it appears, from her own +statements, that but for this strong tie, nothing would induce her to +stay a day in our service where the constant broils with the other +servants, into which she is driven by her determination to be +faithful to her own mistress, make life almost unbearable to a +peaceable woman like her. The chief object of her righteous +indignation is the "Bootrail." She is so reluctant to make any +personal complaint, that she would pass over his grudging her a +little sugar in her morning tea, but when he takes away a whole +cupful for his own children, conscience compels her to tell her +mistress. She has often pointed out to him that such conduct is not +right, and tried to reason with him, but he only insults her. The +cook, being a notorious inebriate, plays into the "Bootrail's" hand, +on condition that the latter will not tell upon him. Why did master +send away the dinner last night without touching it? Because the +cook was on the floor and the matie had to do the work. Chh! Chh! +Chh! It is very shameful and makes her feel so bad. She herself is +a teetotaler, as her mistress knows. That night when she was found +with a pillow in her arms instead of the baby, singing to it and +patting it to sleep, she had been smoking an English cheroot which a +friend had given her, and, as she is accustomed only to country +tobacco, it went to her head and stupefied her. Nothing would induce +her to drink spirits, but the other servants are not like her. The +mussaul is not a bad man, but the "Bootrail's" example infects him +too. He barters the kerosine oil at the petty shop round the corner +for arrack. As for the hamal, she is tired of fighting with him. +From this account of herself you will be able to infer that the Ayah +is not a favourite with the other servants; but she is powerful, and +so with oriental prudence they veil their feelings. The butler +indeed, tries to be proud and risks ruin, but the mussaul truckles to +her, and the cook, who can spoil her dinner, and has some control +over her, trims between her and the butler. The hamal is +impracticable, and the chupprassees adhere to the party in power for +the time being. + +The Ayah is the "society" newspaper of small stations, and is +indispensable. The barber is the general newsagent, and, as we part +with our beards in the morning, we learn from him all particulars of +the dinner at the general's last night, and of the engagement that +resulted between the pretty Missy Baba and the captain who has been +so much about the house; also when the marriage is to take place, if +the captain can get out of his debts, the exact amount of which Old +Tom knows. He can tell us, too, the reason why she "jawaubed" him so +often, being put up to it by her mother in the interests of a rival +suitor, and he has authentic information as to the real grounds of +the mother's change of tactics. But Old Tom is himself dependent on +Ayahs, and there are matters beyond his range, matters which even in +an Indian station cannot reach us by any male channel. They trickle +from madam to Ayah, from Ayah to Ayah, and from Ayah to madam. Thus +they ooze from house to house, and we are all saved from judging our +neighbours by outward appearances. + +That scene in the Ladies' Gymkhana comes back and haunts me. What if +the impress of those swarthy lips on that fair cheek are but an +outward symbol of impressions on a mind still as fair and pure, +impressions which soap and water will not purge away! Yes, it is so. +The Ayah hangs like a black cloud over and around the infant mind, +and its earliest outlooks on the world are tinted by that medium. It +lies with wondering blue eyes watching the coloured toys which she +dangles before it, and takes in the elements of form and colour. She +pats it to sleep, and, on the borders of dream-land, those "sphere- +born, harmonious sisters, voice and verse," visit it in the form of a +plaintive ditty, which has for its simple burden, + + +Little, little fish +In bitter, bitter oil. +I will not part with one of them for three pice and a half. + + +As its mind expands, new mysteries of the universe unfold themselves +through the same interpreter. It learns to see through the +hollowness of promises and threats before it knows the words in which +they are framed. With the knowledge of words comes the knowledge of +their use as means of concealing the truth and gaining its little +ends. Then the painful experience of discipline and punishment +reveals the same motherly figure in the new light of a protector and +comforter, and it learns to contrast her with the stern persons whom +she has taught it to call pa-pa and ma-ma. When they refuse anything +on which it has set its childish heart, it knows to whom to go for +sympathy. She will console it and teach little artifices, by which +it may evade or circumvent them. She supplies discipline of another +kind, however, and the yet simple trusting mind of the little +Pantheist lives in terror of papa's red-faced friend with the big +stomach, who eats up ten or twelve little children every day, and of +the Borah with the great box full of black ants, in which he shuts up +naughty boys till the ants pick the flesh from their disobedient +bones. When it goes to the bandstand, it gazes from a safe distance +on the big drum, full of boys and girls who would not let their hair +be combed: it hears their groans at every stroke of the terrible +drumstick. Thus the religious side of the tender nature is +developed, and Ayah is the priestess. Under the same guidance it +will, as it grows older, tread paths of knowledge which its parents +never trod. Whither will they lead it? We know not who never joined +in the familiar chat of Ayahs and servants, but imagination "bodies +forth the forms of things unseen" and shudders. Let us rejoice that +a merciful superstition, which regards the climate of India as deadly +to European children, will step in and save the little soul. The +climate would do it no harm, but there is a moral miasma more baneful +than any which rises from the pestilential swamps of the Terai, or +the Bombay Flats. + +P. S.--I have just taken another look at our present Ayah. She is a +little old woman from Goa, with humorous "crow's feet" at the corners +of her kind eyes. She is very retiring and modest, and all the +servants seem fond of her. It is evident that nature is various, and +we cannot all be types. + + + +R. R. THE PUNDIT + + + +The Pundit is like duty; his cough rouses us from our beds in the +morning like the voice of conscience. Why must we pass examinations? +Not that we may know the language of the people, for it is matter of +daily observation, that of all the mysteries which perplex the humble +mind of the country bumpkin in this land, causing him to scratch his-- +well, not his head--there is none which he gives up as hopeless +sooner than the strange sounds addressed to him by the young saheb +who has just passed his higher standard. He joins his palms in loyal +acquiescence, and asserts that the gentleman is his father and +mother. It was Swift, was it not, who suggested that all high +offices of state should be filled by lot, because the result would be +on the whole quite as satisfactory as that obtained by the present +system, while disappointed candidates would curse Fortune, who has a +broader back than the Prime Minister. No doubt examinations were +introduced on the same sort of principle, to act as a buffer between +the train of candidates and the engine of Government. That the +examination often comes after instead of before the appointment is a +necessary modification, without which no room would be left for the +play of those kindly feelings for kith and kin which we bitterly +nickname nepotism. Under this arrangement I have known a needy nepos +of H. E. himself provided with a salary for a whole year, till he +could hold the examination at bay no longer, when he evacuated his +position and retreated to his friends. Whatever the explanation of +the matter may be, it falls to the lot of most of us to experience +the Pundit. I may remark here that he is very commonly called a +Moonshee, on the same principle on which a horse is not called a cow. +The Pundit is not a Moonshee. The Moonshee is a follower of the +Prophet and teaches Oordoo, or Hindoostanee, while the Pundit is a +Brahmin and instructs you in Marathee or Gujarathee. The Moonshee +struggles to get you to disgorge the sound ghain and leads you +through the enchanted mazes of the Bagh-o-Bahar; the Pundit +distinguishes between the kurmunnee and the kurturree prayog, and has +many knotty points of mythology to expound, in order that you may +rightly understand his idioms and appreciate his proverbial sayings. +Of Pundits there are three species, quite distinct from each other. +The first I would recommend if your object should, by any chance, be +to learn to speak the language intelligibly; but he knows no English, +and you must gird yourself to work if you employ him. This sort of +teacher does not suit the tastes of the present generation and is +dying out, I think. The second kind is invaluable if your purpose is +to pass an examination. He knows English well, dresses smartly, and +is altogether a superior sort of person to the last, especially in +his own estimation; but appearances are delusive, and the sign that +really distinguishes him from other Pundits is that he enjoys in a +high degree the esteem and confidence of a native member of the +examining body. Another unfailing characteristic of him is that he +requires a monstrous monthly stipend and the promise of a handsome +douceur if you pass; but then you have the satisfaction of knowing +that, if you fulfil the conditions, that happy result is certain. +His system leaves no room for failure. Some people regard this man +as a myth, but I have had authentic accounts of him from numerous +young gentlemen who had failed in their examinations simply, as they +themselves assured me, because they did not employ him. The third +class consists of young men, aspirants to University honours and +others, with some knowledge of English and a laudable desire to +improve it by conversation with Englishmen. I do not know for what +purpose this sort of Pundit is useful. + +Old Ragunath Rao belonged to the first of these three classes. He +knew no English, and he desired to know none, neither English words +nor English thoughts. He was an undiluted Brahmin. He had taught a +former generation of Anglo-Indians, long since retired, or in their +graves, and one or two of these, who were very religious men, had +impressed him by their characters so deeply that he always spoke of +them with reverence, as not men but divinities. The tide had ebbed +away from him, and no one employed him now: he was very poor. His +face was heavy, his ears like beef-steaks, with a fringe of long +bristles round the edge and a bushy tuft of the same sprouting from +the inside. His features were not pleasing, but strongly expressive +of character, stubborn Hindoo character, self-disciplined, self- +satisfied, and in a set attitude of defence against the invasions of +novelty. His athletic intellect was exercised in all manner of +curious questions. The only matter about which it never concerned +itself was reality, the existence of which he probably doubted. At +any rate, he considered truth, right, wrong, to be subjects for +speculative philosophy. As a practical man, he had minutely +acquainted himself with all the things that behoved to be believed by +an orthodox Brahmin, and he was not the man to give way to mere +facts. This frame of mind begot in him a large tolerance, for what +possible connection could there be between what it became him to +believe and what it became you to believe? If his son had turned a +Christian, he could have swung him from a tree by his thumbs and toes +and flagellated him from below with acute pleasure; but if you +expounded Christian doctrines and morals to him, he would listen with +profound admiration. A Christian who lived up to his creed he +respected unfeignedly. Strange old man! like one of his own idols, +not modelled upon anything that is in heaven or on earth. Are they +not, he and the idol, the fruit of the same tree? + +What memories rise out of their graves at the mention of old +Ragunath! Just about a quarter of an hour after his time he comes +slowly up the steps, panting for breath, and leaving his shoes at the +door, walks in with a quasi courtly salutation. As soon as he can +recover his voice, he tells of a hair-breadth escape from sudden +death. As he was crossing the road, a carriage and pair bore down on +him. He stood petrified with terror, not knowing whether to hurry +forward or turn back, but just as the horses were upon him, he made a +frantic effort and gained the side-walk! He infers that his time to +die had not arrived, and takes the occasion to impart some +information about the planets and their influence on human destinies. +Then we seat ourselves, and he takes my exercise (translation from +Grant Duff), and reads it slowly in a muffled voice, which is forced +to make its exit by the nose, the mouth being occupied with cardamoms +or betel nut. As he reads he corrects with a pencil, but gives no +explanation of his corrections; for you must not expect him to teach: +he is a mine simply, in which you must dig for what you want. One +thing you may depend on, that whatever you extract from that mine +will be worth having, indigenous treasure, current wherever Hindoo +thought is moving, very different from the foreign-flavoured pabulum +with which your English smattering instructor charges his feeding +bottle. The exercise gives Ragunath an opportunity of digressing +into some traditional incident of Maratha history which escaped the +researches of Mr. Grant Duff, an incident generally in which Maratha +cunning (sagacity he calls it) triumphed over English stupidity. +After the exercise comes the inevitable petition. I do not remember +the subject of it--some grievance no doubt connected with hereditary +rights in land--but it matters little; the whole document might as +well be a Moabite stone recording the wars of Mesha with Jehoram, for +not a letter of it stands out recognisable to my eyes. Indeed, no +letter, or word either, stands out at all; the scribe seems never to +have lifted his pen from his paper except for ink, and that generally +in the middle of a word. However, Ragunath takes the greasy paper +from my hand, remarks that the handwriting is good, and starts off +reading it, or, I should say, intoning it, on exactly the same +principle, viz., never pausing except for breath, and that generally +in the middle of a word. Then we read together the "Garland of +Pearls," which he illuminates with notes of his own. Speaking of old +age, he remarks that the hair of some men ripens sooner than that of +others, but that our heads must all grow grey as our brains get thin. +He discourses on anatomy, food, digestion, the advisability of lying +down on the left side for twenty minutes after meals, and on many +things in heaven and earth which are not dreamed of in our +philosophy. As the morning wears on, the old man, who is not +accustomed to sitting on chairs, begins to fidget, and shows signs of +a desire to gather up his feet into the seat and nurse them. At last +drowsiness overtakes him. His eyes are open, but his mind is asleep, +and I may do as I please with grammar and idiom: even when I yawn, +he omits to snap his fingers and lets the devil skip down my throat. +When he awakes he suggests that it is time to stop, and asks leave +for the next day, as he has to renew his sacred thread. Poor old +Ragunath! I fear he has gone long since to the burning ground on the +banks of the Moota Moola. + +Before we part let me give you a hint. Always keep a separate chair +for your Pundit, one isolated on glass legs, if possible. Even this +does not afford complete security, for he now and then detects one of +the many insects which you have watched coursing up and down his +white scarf, and picking it off with his finger and thumb, puts it on +the floor. His creed forbids him to take the life of anything which +may possibly be the corporeal habitation of the spirit of one of his +deceased ancestors, but these little insects irritate him, so he +deports them as we do our loafers. + + + +HURREE, THE DIRZEE + + + +A warm altercation is going on in the verandah. A little human +animal, with a very large red turban on his little head, stuck full +of pins and threaded needles, stands on all fours over a garment of +an unmentionable kind, which I recognise as belonging to me, and a +piece of cloth lies before him, out of which he has cut a figure +resembling the said garment. The scissors with which the operation +was performed are still lying open upon the ground before him. His +head is thrown so far back that the great turban rests between his +shoulder blades, his brow is corrugated with perplexity, his mouth a +little open, as if his lower jaw could not quite follow the rest of +his upturned face. Hurree cannot know much about toothache. What +would I not give for that set of incisors, regular as the teeth of a +saw, and all as red as a fresh brick! I suppose the current quid of +pan suparee is temporarily stowed away under that swelling in the +left cheek, where the fierce black patch of whisker grows. The +survival of a partial cheek pouch in some branches of the human race +is a point that escaped Darwin. But I am digressing into +reflections. To return: a lady is standing over the quadruped and +evidently expressing serious displeasure in some form of that +domestic language which we call Hindoostanee, with variations. The +charge she lays against him seems to be that he has, in disregard of +explicit instructions and defiance of common sense, made a blunder to +which her whole past experience in India furnishes no parallel, and +which has resulted in the total destruction of a whole piece of +costly material, and the wreck of a garment for want of which the +saheb (that is myself) will be put to a degree of inconvenience which +cannot be estimated in rupees, and will most certainly be provoked to +an outbreak of indignation too terrible to be described. So little +do we know ourselves! I had no idea I harboured such a temper. +However, Hurree does not tremble, but pleads that it was necessary to +make the garment "leetle silope," and though he admits that the slope +is too great, he thinks the mistake can be remedied, and is pulling +the cloth to see if it will not stretch to the required shape. +Failing this, he has other remedies of a technical kind to suggest. +I do not understand these matters, and cannot interpret his argument, +but he puts his fingers on the floor and flings himself lightly to +the other side of the cloth, to point out where he proposes to have a +"fals hame," or some other device. She rejects the proposal with +scorn, and again impresses him with the consequences of his wicked +blunder. At last I am glad to see that a compromise is effected, and +the little man settles himself in the middle of a small carpet and +locks his legs together so that his shins form an X and he sits on +his feet. In this position he will ply his needle for the rest of +the day at a rate inversely proportional to the distance of his +mistress. When she retires for her afternoon siesta the needle will +nap too. Then he will take out a little Vade Mecum, which is never +absent from his waistband, and unroll it. It is many-coloured and +contains little pockets, one for fragments of the spicy areca, one +for the small tin box which contains fresh lime, one for cloves, one +for cardamoms, and so on. He will put a little of this and a little +of that into his palm, then roll them all up in a betel leaf out of +another pocket, and push the parcel into his mouth. Thus refreshed +he will go to work again, not, however, upon the garment to which he +is now devoted, but upon a roll of coloured stuffs on which he is at +the present moment sitting. You see, times are hard and Hurree has a +large family, so he is obliged to eke out his salary by contract work +for the mussaul. His work suffers from other interruptions. When +the carriage of a visitor is heard, he has to awaken the chupprassee +on duty at the door, and on his own account he goes out to drink +water at least as often as the chupprassee himself. As the day draws +near its close, he watches the shadow like a hireling, and when it +touches the foot of the long arm chair, he springs to his feet, rolls +up his rags and threads into a bundle, and trips gaily out. As he +does so you will observe that his legs are bandy, the knees refusing +to approach each other. This is the result of the position in which +he spends his days. + +This is how we clothe ourselves in our Indian empire. Our smooth and +comfortable khakee suits, our ample pyjamas, the cool white jackets +in which we dine, in this way are they brought about. But you must +not allow yourself to think of the Dirzee simply as an agency for +producing clothes. Life is not made up of such simplicities. The +raison d'etre of that mango tree lies without doubt in the chalice of +nectar, called "mango fool," with which Domingo appeases me when he +guesses that his enormities have gone beyond the limits even of my +endurance; but I see that thirty-seven candidates for the place of +the chupprassee who went on leave yesterday have encamped under its +shade, that they may watch for my face in the verandah. The +trespassing goat also has browsed on its leaves, and from the shelter +of its branches the Magpie Robin pours that stream of song which, +just before the dawning of the day, in the cloudy border land between +sleeping and waking flows over my soul. But I shall never really +know the place that tree has filled in my life, unless someone cuts +it down and gives me a full view, from my easy chair, of the dirty +brick-burners' hut, with the poisonous film of blue smoke playing +over the kiln, and the family of pariah puppies below, sporting with +the sun-dried remains of a fowl, which deceased in my yard and was +purloined by their gaunt mother. Now let imagination blot out the +Dirzee. Remove him from the verandah. Take up his carpet and sweep +away the litter. What a strange void there is in the place! +Eliminate him from a lady's day. Let nine o'clock strike, but bring +no stealthy footstep to the door, no muffled voice making respectful +application for his Kam. From nine to ten breakfast will fill the +breach, and you may allow another hour for the butler's account and +the godown; but there is still a yawning chasm of at least two hours +between eleven and tiffin. I cannot bridge it. Imagination strikes +work. The joyful sound of the Borah's voice brings promise of +relief; but no! for what interest can there be in the Borah if you +have no Dirzee? In the spirit of fair play, however, I must mention +that my wife does not endorse all this. On the contrary, she tells +me (she has a terse way of speaking) that it is "rank bosh." She +declares that the Dirzee is the bane of her life, that he is worse +than a fly, that she cannot sit down to the piano for five minutes +but he comes buzzing round for black thread, or white thread, or +mother-o-pearl buttons, or hooks and eyes, that every evening for the +last month he has watched her getting ready for to drive, and just as +her foot was on the carriage step, has reminded her, with a cough, +that his work was finished and he had nothing to do. If she could +only do without him, she would send him about his business and be the +happiest woman in the world, for she could devote the whole day to +music and painting and the improvement of her mind. Of course I +assent. That is a very commendable way of thinking about the matter. +But, as an amateur philosopher, I warn you never to let yourself get +under practical bondage to such notions. I tell you when you betake +yourself to music or painting, carpentry or gardening, as a means of +getting through the day, you are sapping your mental constitution and +shortening your life: unless you are sustained by more than ordinary +littleness of mind you will never see threescore and ten. All these +things are good in proportion as you have difficulty in finding time +for them. When you have to rise early in the morning and work hard +to make a little leisure for your favourite hobby, then you are +getting its blessing. Now, the Dirzee is not a means of killing +time. On the contrary, I see that he compels his mistress to take +thought how she may save time alive, if she wishes to get anything +done. He hurries the day along and scatters its hours, so that ennui +cannot find an empty minute to lurk in. I do not deny that he is the +occasion of a few provocations, and the simile of the fly is just; +but are not provocations an element in the interest of every pursuit, +the pepper which flavours all pleasant occupation? I collect +butterflies, and my friends think I am a man to be envied because I +have such a taste. Do they suppose a butterfly catcher has no +provocations? Was it seventeen or seventy times (I forget) in one +page that I laid down my pen, put off my spectacles and caught up my +net to rush after that brute of a Papilio polymnestor, who just came +to the duranta flowers to flout me and skip over the wall into the +next garden? And does anyone but a butterfly hunter know how it +feels to open your cabinet drawers just a few hours after the ants +have got the news that the camphor is done? Does anyone but an +entomologist know the grub of Dermestes intolerabilis? Why should a +collection of butterflies be called an object of perennial interest +and delight, and the Dirzee an unmitigated provocation? They are +both of one family. Nothing is unmitigated in this world. + +Maria Graham tells us that in her time "the Dirdjees, or tailors, in +Bombay" were "Hindoos of respectable caste," but in these days the +Goanese, who has not capacity to be a butler or cook, becomes a +Dirzee, and in Bombay I have seen Bunniah Dirzees. Hurree can hold +his own against these, I doubt not, but the advancing tide of +civilization is surely crumbling down his foundations. It is not +only the "Europe" shop in Bombay that takes the bread out of his +month, but in the smallest and most remote stations, Narayen, +"Tailor, Outfitter, Milliner, and Dressmaker," hangs out his sign- +board, and under it pale, consumptive youths of the Shimpee caste +bend over their work by lamplight, and sing the song of the shirt to +the whirr-rr-rr of sewing machines. And as Hurree goes by on his way +home, his prophetic soul tells him that his son will not live the +happy and independent life which has fallen to his lot. But he has a +bulwark still in the dhobie, for the "Tailor and Outfitter" will not +repair frayed cuffs, and the sewing machine cannot put on buttons. +And Hurree is not ungrateful, for I observe that, when the dhobie +delivers up your clothes in a state which requires the Dirzee, the +Dirzee always gives them back in a condition which demands the +dhobie. + + + +THE MALEE + + + +"Another custom is their sitting always on the ground with their +knees up to their chins, which I know not how to account for."-- +Daniel Johnson + +I have been watching Thomas Otway, gardener. His coat hangs on a +tree hard by, and he, standing in his shirt sleeves, is slaughtering +regiments of weeds with a long hoe. When they are all uprooted and +prostrate, he changes his weapon for a fork, with which he tosses +them about and shakes them free of soil and gathers them into heaps. +Then he brings a wheel-barrow, and, piling them into it until it can +hold no more, goes off at a trot. I am told his only fault is that +he is SLOW. + +I have also stood watching Peelajee. He, too, is a gardener, called +by his own people a Malee, and by us, familiarly, a Molly. He sits +in an attitude not easy to describe, but familiar to all who have +resided in the otiose East. You will get at it by sitting on your +own heels and putting your knees into your armpits. In this position +Peelajee can spend the day with much comfort, which is a wonderful +provision of nature. At the present moment he also is engaged in the +operation of weeding. In his right hand is a small species of sickle +called a koorpee, with which he investigates the root of each weed as +a snipe feels in the mud for worms; then with his left hand he pulls +it out, gently shakes the earth off it, and contributes it to a small +heap beside him. When he has cleared a little space round him, he +moves on like a toad, without lifting himself. He enlivens his toil +by exchanging remarks upon the weather as affecting the price of +grain, the infirmity of my temper and other topics of personal +interest, with an assistant, whom he persuaded me to engage by the +day, pleading the laborious nature of this work of weeding. When two +or three square yards have been cleared, they both go away, and +return in half an hour with a very small basket, which one holds +while the other fills it with the weeds. Then the assistant balances +it on his head, and sets out at one mile an hour for the garden gate, +where he empties it on the roadside. Then he returns at the same +rate, with the empty basket on his head, to Peelajee, who is occupied +sitting waiting for him. + +It is clear that there may be two ways of doing the same thing. I +have no doubt there is much to be said for both, but, upon the whole, +the advantage seems to lie with the Malee. Otway does as much work +in a day as Peelajee does in a week. But why should a day be better +than a week? If you turn the thing round, and look at the other side +of it, you will find that Otway costs three shillings a day and +Peelajee two rupees a week. So, if you are in a hurry, you can +employ half a dozen Peelajees, and feel that you are making six +families in the world happy instead of only one. And I am sure the +calm and peaceful air of Peelajee, as he moves about the garden, must +be good for the soul and promote longevity. I hate bustle, and I can +vouch for Peelajee that he never bustles. However, there is no need +of odious comparisons. There is a time for everything under the sun, +and a place. Here, in India, we have need of Peelajee. He is a +necessary part of the machinery by which our exile life is made to be +the graceful thing it often is. I pass by bungalow after bungalow, +each in its own little paradise, and look upon the green lawn +successfully defying an unkind climate, the islands of mingled +foliage in profuse, confused beauty, the gay flower beds, the clean +gravel paths with their trim borders, the grotto in a shady corner, +where fern and moss mingle, all dripping as if from recent showers +and make you feel cool in spite of all thermometers, and I say to +myself, "Without the Malee all this would not be." Neither with the +Malee alone would this be, but something very different. I admit +that. But is not this just one secret of the beneficent influence he +has on us? Your "Scotch" gardener is altogether too good. He +obliterates you--reduces you to a spectator. But keeping a Malee +draws you out, for he compels you to look after him, and if you are +to look after him, you must know something about his art, and if you +do not know, you must learn. So we Anglo-Indians are gardeners +almost to a man, and spend many pure, happy hours with the pruning +shears and the budding knife, and this we owe to the Malee. When I +say you must look after him, I do not disparage his skill; he is neat +handed and knows many things; but his taste is elementary. He has an +eye for symmetry, and can take delight in squares and circles and +parallel lines; but the more subtle beauties of unsymmetrical figures +and curves which seem to obey no law are hid from him. He loves +bright tints especially red and yellow, with a boy's love for sugar; +he cannot have too much of them; but he has no organ for perceiving +harmony in colour, and so the want of it does not pain him. The +chief avenue, however, by which the delights of a gardener's life +reach him is the sense of smell. He revels in sweet odours; but +here, too, he seeks for strength rather than what we call delicacy. +In short, the enjoyment which he finds in the tones of his native +tom-tom may be taken as typical of all his pleasures. I find +however, that Peelajee understands the principles of toleration, and, +recognising that he caters for my pleasure rather than his own, is +quite willing to abandon his favourite yellow marigold and luscious +jasmine for the pooteena and the beebeena and the fullax. But +perhaps you do not know these flowers by their Indian names. We call +them petunia, verbena, and phlox. This is, doubtless, another +indication of our Aryan brotherhood. + +Peelajee is industrious after the Oriental method--that is to say, he +is always doing something, but is economical of energy rather than +time. If there are more ways than one of doing a thing, he has an +unerring instinct which guides him to choose the one that costs least +trouble. He is a fatalist in philosophy, and this helps him too. +For example, when he transplants a rose bush, he saves himself the +trouble of digging very deep by breaking the root, for if the plant +is to live it will live, and if it is to die it will die. Some +plants live, he remarks, and some plants die. The second half of +this aphorism is only too true. In fact, many of my best plants not +only die, but suddenly and entirely disappear. If I question +Peelajee, he denies that I ever had them, and treats me as a dreamer +of dreams. I would not be uncharitable, but a little suspicion, like +a mouse, lurks in the crevices of my mind that Peelajee +surreptitiously carries on a small business as a seedsman and nursery +gardener, and I know that in his simple mind he is so identified with +his master that meum and tuum blend, as it were, into one. I am +restrained from probing into the matter by a sensitiveness about +certain other mysteries which may be bound up with this, and about +which I have always suppressed my curiosity. For example, where do +the beautiful flowers which decorate my table grow? Not altogether +in my garden. So much I know: more than that I think it prudent not +to know. For this reason, as I said, I forbear to make close +scrutiny into what may be called the undercurrent of Peelajee's +operations, but I notice that he always has in hand large beds of +cuttings from my best roses and crotons, and these flourish up to a +certain point, after which I lose all trace of them. He says that an +insidious caterpillar attacks their roots, so that they all grow +black and wither away suddenly. I fall upon him and tell him that he +is to blame. He protests that he cannot control underground +caterpillars. He knows that I suspect, and I suspect that he knows, +but a veil of dissimulation, however transparent, averts a crisis, so +we fence for a time till he understands clearly that, when he +propagates my plants, he must reserve a decent number for me. + +Griffins and travelling M.P.s are liable to suppose that the Malee is +a gardener, and ergo that you keep him to attend to your garden. +This is an error. He is a gardener, of course, but the primary use +of him is to produce flowers for your table, and you need him most +when you have no garden. A high-class Malee of good family and +connections is quite independent of a garden. It seems necessary, +however, that your neighbours should have gardens. + +The highest branch of the Malee's art is the making of nosegays, from +the little "buttonhole," which is equivalent to a cough on occasions +when baksheesh seems possible, to the great valedictory or Christmas +bouquet. The manner of making these is as follows. First you gather +your flowers, cutting the stalks as short as possible, and tie each +one firmly to an artificial stalk of thin bamboo. Then you select +some large and striking flower for a centre, and range the rest round +it in rings of beautiful colours. If your bull's eye is a sunflower, +then you may gird it with a broad belt of red roses. Yellow +marigolds may follow, then another ring of red roses, then lilac +bougainvillea, then something blue, after which you may have a circle +of white jasmine, and so on. Finally, you fringe the whole with +green leaves, bind it together with pack thread, and tie it to the +end of a short stick. If the odour of rose, jasmine, chumpa, +oleander, etc., is not sufficient, you can mix a good quantity of +mignonette with the leaves on the outside, but, in any case, it is +best to sprinkle the whole profusely with rose water. This will make +a bouquet fit to present to a Commissioner. + + + +THE BHEESTEE + + + +The malee has an ally called the Bheestee. If you ask, Who is the +Bheestee? I will tell you. Behisht in the Persian tongue means +Paradise, and a Bihishtee is, therefore, an inhabitant of Paradise, a +cherub, a seraph, an angel of mercy. He has no wings; the painters +have misconceived him; but his back is bowed down with the burden of +a great goat-skin swollen to bursting with the elixir of life. He +walks the land when the heaven above him is brass and the earth iron, +when the trees and shrubs are languishing and the last blade of grass +has given up the struggle for life, when the very roses smell only of +dust, and all day long the roaring "dust devils" waltz about the +fields, whirling leaf and grass and corn stalk round and round and up +and away into the regions of the sky; and he unties a leather thong +which chokes the throat of his goat-skin just where the head of the +poor old goat was cut off, and straight-way, with a life-reviving +gurgle, the stream called thunda panee gushes forth, and plant and +shrub lift up their heads and the garden smiles again. The dust also +on the roads is laid and a grateful incense rises from the ground, +the sides of the water chatty grow dark and moist and cool themselves +in the hot air, and through the dripping interstices of the khuskhus +tattie a chilly fragrance creeps into the room, causing the mercury +in the thermometer to retreat from its proud place. Nay, the seraph +finds his way to your very bath-room, and discharging a cataract into +the great tub, leaves it heaving like the ocean after a storm. When +you follow him there, you will thank that nameless poet who gave our +humble Aquarius the title he bears. Surely in the world there can be +no luxury like an Indian "tub" after a long march, or a morning's +shooting, in the month of May. I know of none. Wallace says that to +eat a durian is a new sensation, worth a voyage to the East to +experience. "A rich, butterlike custard, highly flavoured with +almonds, gives the best general idea of it, but intermingled with it +come wafts of flavour which call to mind cream cheese, onion sauce, +brown sherry, and other incongruities." If this is true, then eating +a durian must, in its way, be something like having a tub. That +certainly is a new sensation. I cannot tell what gives the best +general idea of it, but there are mingled with it many wafts of a +vigorous enjoyment, which touch you, I think, at a higher point in +your nature than cream cheese or onion sauce. There is first the +enfranchisement of your steaming limbs from gaiter and shooting boot, +buckskin and flannel; then the steeping of your sodden head in the +pellucid depth, with bubaline snortings and expirations of +satisfaction; then, as the first cold stream from the "tinpot" +courses down your spine, what electric thrills start from a dozen +ganglia and flush your whole nervous system with new life! Finally, +there is the plunge and the wallow and the splash, with a feeling of +kinship to the porpoise in its joy, under the influence of which the +most silent man becomes vocal and makes the walls of the narrow +ghoosulkhana resound with amorous, or patriotic, song. A flavour of +sadness mingles here, for you must come out at last, but the ample +gaol towel receives you in its warm embrace and a glow of contentment +pervades your frame, which seems like a special preparation for the +soothing touch of cool, clean linen, and white duck, or smooth +khakee. And even before the voice of the butler is heard at the +door, your olfactory nerves, quickened by the tonic of the tub, have +told you what he is going to say. + +Some people in India always bathe in hot water, not for their sins, +but because they like it. At least, so they say, and it may be true, +for I have been told that you may get a taste even for drinking hot +water if you keep at it long enough. + +The Bheestee is the only one of all our servants who never asks for a +rise of pay on account of the increase of his family. But he is not +like the other servants. We do not think of him as one of the +household. We do not know his name, and seldom or never speak to +him; but I follow him about, as you would some little animal, and +observe his ways. I find that he always stands on his left leg, +which is like an iron gate-post, and props himself with his right. I +cannot discover whether he straightens out when he goes home at +night, but when visible in the daytime, he is always bowed, either +under the weight of his mussuk or the recollection of it. The +constant application of that great cold poultice must surely bring on +chronic lumbago, but he does not complain. I notice, however, that +his waist is always bound about with many folds of unbleached cotton +cloth and other protective gear. The place to study him to advantage +is the bowrie, or station well, in a little hollow at the foot of a +hill. Of course there are many wells, but some have a bad reputation +for guineaworm, and some are brackish, and some are jealously guarded +by the Brahmins, who curse the Bheestee if he approaches, and some +are for low caste people. This well is used by the station +generally, and the water of it is very "sweet." Any native in the +place will tell you that if you drink of this well you will always +have an appetite for your meals and digest your food. It is circular +and surrounded by a strong parapet wall, over which, if you peep +cautiously into the dark abyss, you may catch a sight of the wary +tortoise, which shares with a score or so of gigantic frogs the task +of keeping the water "sweet." It was introduced for the purpose by a +thoughtful Bheestee: the frogs fell in. Wild pigeons have their +nests in holes in the sides of the well. Here, morning and evening, +you will find the Bheestees of the station congregated, some coming +and some going, like bees at the mouth of a hive, but most standing +on the wall and letting down their leather buckets into the water. +As they begin to haul these up again hand over hand, you will look to +see them all topple head foremost into the well, but they do not as a +rule. It makes an imaginative European giddy to look down into that +Tartarean depth; but then the Bheestee is not imaginative. As the +hot season advances, the water retreats further and further into the +bowels of the earth, and the labour of filling the mussuk becomes +more and more arduous. At the same time, the demand for water +increases, for man is thirsty and the ground parched. So the toils +of the poor Bheestee march pari passu with the tyranny of the +climate, and he grows thin and very black. Then, with the rain, his +vacation begins. Happy man if his master does not cut his pay down +on the ground that he has little to do. We masters sometimes do that +kind of thing. + +I believe the mussuk bearer is the true and original Bheestee, but in +many places, as wealth and luxury have spread, he has emancipated his +own back and laid his burden on the patient bullock, which walks +sagaciously before him, and stops at the word of command beside each +flower-pot or bush. He treats his slave kindly, hanging little bells +and cowries about its neck. If it is refractory he does not beat it, +but gently reviles its female ancestors. I like the Bheestee and +respect him. As a man, he is temperate and contented, eating bajree +bread and slacking his thirst with his own element. The author of +Hobson Jobson says he never saw a drunken Bheestee. And as a servant +he is laborious and faithful, rarely shirking his work, seeking it +out rather. For example, we had a bottle-shaped filter of porous +stoneware, standing in a bucket of water, which it was his duty to +fill daily; but the good man, not content with doing his bare duty, +took the plug out of the filter and filled it too! And all the +station knows how assiduously he fills the rain gauge. But what I +like best in him is his love of nature. He keeps a tame lark in a +very small cage, covered with dark cloth that it may sing, and early +in the morning you will find him in the fields, catching grasshoppers +for his little pet. I am speaking of a Mahomedan Bheestee. You must +not expect love of nature in a Hindoo. + + + +TOM, THE BARBER + + + +In India it is not good form to shave yourself. You ought to respect +the religious prejudices and social institutions of the people. If +everyone shaved himself, how would the Barber's stomach be filled? +The pious feeling which prompts this question lies deep in the heart +of Hindoo society. We do not understand it. How can we, with our +cold-blooded creed of demand and supply, free trade and competition, +fair field and no favour? In this ancient land, whose social system +is not a deformed growth, but a finished structure, nothing has been +left to chance, least of all a man's beard; for, cleanliness and +godliness not being neighbours here, a beard well matted with ashes +and grease is the outward and visible sign of sanctity. And so, in +the golden age, when men did everything that is wise and right, there +was established a caste whose office it was to remove that sign from +secular chins. How impious and revolutionary then must it be for a +man who is not a barber to tamper with his own beard, thus taking the +bread out of the mouths of barbers born, and blaspheming the wisdom +of the ancient founders of civilization! It is true that, during the +barbers' strike a few years ago, the Brahmins, even of orthodox +Poona, consecrated a few of their own number to the use of the razor. +But desperate diseases demand desperate remedies. When the barbers +struck, Nature did not strike. Beards grew as before, and threatened +to change the whole face of society. In view of such an appalling +crisis who would say anything was unlawful? Besides, British rule is +surely undermining the very foundations of society, and I doubt if +you could find a Brahmin to-day under fifty years of age whose heart +is not more or less corroded by the spirit of change. Your young +University man is simply honey-combed: he can scarcely conceal his +mind from his own mother or wife. + +But I must return to the Barber. The natives call him hujjam. He +has been bred so true for a score or so of centuries that shaving +must be an instinct with him now. His right hand is as delicate an +organ as a foxhound's nose. I believe that, when inebriated, he goes +on shaving, just as a toad deprived of its brain will walk and eat +and scratch its nose. If you put a jagged piece of tin into the hand +of a baby hujjam, he will scrape his little sister's face with it. +In India, as you know, every caste has its own "points," and you can +distinguish a Barber as easily as a dhobie or a Dorking hen. He is a +sleek, fair-complexioned man, dressed in white, with an ample red +turban, somewhat oval in shape, like a sugared almond. He wears +large gold earrings in the upper part of his ears, and has a sort of +false stomach, which, at a distance, gives him an aldermanic figure, +but proves, on a nearer view, to be made of leather, and to have many +compartments, filled with razors, scissors, soap, brush, comb, +mirror, tweezers, earpicks, and other instruments of a more or less +surgical character; for he is, indeed, a surgeon, and especially an +aurist and narist. When he takes a Hindoo head into his charge, he +does not confine himself to the chin or scalp, but renovates it all +over. The happy patient enjoys the operation, sitting proudly in a +public place. When a Barber devotes himself to European heads he +rises in the social scale. If he has any real talent for his +profession, he soon rises to the rank and title of Tom, and may +eventually be presented with a small hot-water jug, bearing an +inscription to the effect that it is a token of the respect and +esteem in which he was held by the officers of the ---th Regiment at +the station of Daree-nai-hona. This is equivalent to a C. I. E., but +is earned by merit. In truth, Tom is a great institution. He opens +the day along with tea and hot toast and the Daree-nai-hona +Chronicle, but we throw aside the Chronicle. It is all very well if +you want to know which band will play at the band-stand this evening, +and the leading columns are occasionally excruciatingly good, when a +literary corporal of the Fusiliers discusses the political horizon, +or unmasks the Herald, pointing out with the most pungent sarcasm how +"our virtuous contemporary puts his hands in his breeches pockets, +like a crocodile, and sheds tears;" but during the parade season the +corporal writes little, and articles by the regular staff, upon the +height to which cantonment hedges should be allowed to grow, are apt +to be dull. For news we depend on Tom. He appears reticent at +first, but be patient. Let him put the soap on, and then tap him +gently. + +"Well, Tom, what news this morning?" + +"No news, sar." After a long pause, "Commissioner Saheb coming to- +morrow." + +"To-morrow? No, he is not coming for three weeks." + +"To-morrow coming. Not telling anybody; quietly coming." + +"Why?" + +"God knows." After another pause, "Nana Shett give Mamletdar 500 +rupee for not send his son to prison. Then Nana Shett's brother he +fight with Nana Shett, so he write letter to Commissioner and tell +him you come quietly and make inquire." + +"The Mamletdar has been taking bribes, has he?" + +"Everybody taking. Fouzdar take 200 rupee. Dipooty take 500 rupee." + +"What! Does the Deputy Collector take bribes?" + +"God knows. Black man very bad. All black man same like bad." + +"Then are you not a black man?" + +Tom smiles pleasantly and makes a fresh start. + +"Colonel Saheb's madam got baby." + +"Is it a boy or a girl?" + +"Girl, sar. Colonel Saheb very angry." + +"Why?" + +"He say, 'I want boy. Why always girl coming?' Get very angry. +Beat butler with stick." + +Yes, Tom is a great institution. Who can estimate how much we owe to +him for the circulation of that lively interest in one another's +well-being which characterises the little station? Tom comes, like +the Pundit, in the morning, but he is different from the Pundit and +we welcome him. He is not a shadow of the black examination-cloud +which lowers over us. There is no flavour of grammars and +dictionaries about him. Even if he finds you still in bed, +conscience gets no support from him. He does not awaken you, but +slips in with noiseless tread, lifts the mosquito curtains, proceeds +with his duty and departs, leaving no token but a gentle dream about +the cat which came and licked your cheeks and chin with its soft, +warm tongue, and scratched you playfully with its claws, while a cold +frog, embracing your nose, looked on and smiled a froggy smile. The +barber's hand IS cold and clammy. Chacun a son gout. I do not like +him. I grow my beard, and Tom looks at me as the Chaplain regards +dissenters. + + + +OUR "NOWKERS"--THE MARCH PAST + + + +Now it is time to close our inspection and order a march past. I +think I have marshalled the whole force. It may seem a small band to +you, if you have lived in imperial Bengal, for we of Bombay do not +generally keep a special attendant to fill and light our pipe, and +our tatoo does not require a man to cut its grass. Some of us even +put on our own clothes. In short, we have not carried the art of +living to such oriental perfection as prevails on the other side of +India, and a man of simple tastes will find my company of fourteen a +sufficient staff. There they are, Sub hazir hai, "they are all +present," the butler says, except one humble, but necessary officer, +who does not like to appear. He is known familiarly by many names. +You may call him Plantagenet, for his emblem is the lowly broom; but +since his modesty keeps him in the background, we will leave him +there. The rest are before you, the faithful corps with whose help +we transact our exile life. You may look at them from many +standpoints, and how much depends on which you take! I suspect the +commonest with us masters is that which regards boy, butler, mussaul, +cook, as just so many synonyms for channels by which the hard-earned +rupee, which is our life-blood, flows from us continually. This view +puts enmity between us and them, between our interests and theirs. +It does not come into our minds, that when we submit our claim for an +extra allowance of Rs. 200 under section 1735 of the Code, and the +mussaul gets the butler to prefer a humble request for an increase of +one rupee a month to his slender puggar, we and the mussaul are made +kin by that one touch of nature. We spurn the request and urge the +claim, with equal wonderment at the effrontery of mussauls and the +meanness of Governments. And "the angels weep." + +Shift your standpoint, and in each cringing menial you will see a +black token of that Asiatic metamorphosis through which we all have +passed. What a picture! Look at yourself as you stand there in +purple sublimity, trailing clouds of darkness from the middle ages +whence you come, planting your imperial foot on all the manly +traditions of your own free country, and pleased with the grovelling +adulations of your trembling serfs. And now it is not the angels who +weep, but the Baboo of Bengal. His pale and earnest brow is furrowed +with despair as he turns from you. For whither shall he turn? When +his bosom palpitates with the intense joy of newborn aspirations for +liberty, to whom shall he go if the Briton, the champion of the +world's freedom, has drunk of Comus's cup and become an oriental +satrap? Ah! there is still hope. The "large heart of England" beats +still for him. In the land of John Hampden and Labouchere there are +thousands yet untainted by the plague, who keep no servant, who will +listen to the Baboo while he tells them about you, and perhaps return +him to parliament. + +There is a third view of the case, fraught with much content to those +who can take it, and, happily, it is the only view possible to the +primitive intelligences over which we exercise domestic lordship. In +this view they are, indeed, as we regard them--so many channels by +which the rupee may flow from us; but what are we, if not great +reservoirs, built to feed those very channels? And so, with that +"sweet reasonableness" which is so pleasant a feature of the Hindoo +mind, your boy or butler, being the main conduit, sets himself to +estimate the capacity of the reservoir, that he may adapt the gauge +of each pipe and regulate the flow. And, as the reservoir grows +greater, as the assistant becomes a collector and the collector a +commissioner, the pipes are extended and enlarged, and all rejoice +together. The moral beauty of this view of the situation grows upon +you as you accustom your mind to dwell on it. Is it not pleasant to +think of yourself as a beneficent irrigation work, watering a wide +expanse of green pasture and smiling corn, or as a well in a happy +garden, diffusing life and bloom? Look at the syce's children. Phil +Robinson says there are nine of them, all about the same age and +dressed in the same nakedness. As they squat together there, +indulging "the first and purest of our instincts" in the mud or dust +of the narrow back road, reflect that their tender roots are +nourished by a thin rivulet of rupees which flows from you. If you +dried up, they would droop and perhaps die. The butler has a bright +little boy, who goes to school every day in a red velvet cap and +print jacket, with a small slate in his hand, and hopes one day to +climb higher in the word than his father. His tendrils are wrapped +about your salary. Nay, you may widen the range of your thoughts: +the old hut in the environs of Surat, with its patch of field and the +giant gourds, acknowledges you, and a small stream, diverted from one +of the channels which you supply, is filling a deep cistern in one of +the back streets of Goa. Pardon me if I think that the untutored +Indian's thought is better even for us than any which we have framed +for ourselves. Imagine yourself as a sportsman, spear in hand, +pursuing the wild V.C. through fire and water, or patiently stalking +the wary K.C.B., or laying snares for the gentle C.I.E.; or else as a +humble industrious dormouse lining a warm nest for the winter of your +life in Bath or Tunbridge Wells; or as a gay butterfly flitting from +flower to flower while the sunshine of your brief day may last; or +simply as a prisoner toiling at the treadmill because you must: the +well in the garden is a pleasanter conception than all these and +wholesomer. Foster it while you may. Now that India has wakened up +and begun to spin after the rest of the great world down the ringing +grooves of change, these tints of dawn will soon fade away, and in +the light of noon the instructed Aryan will learn to see and deplore +the monstrous inequalities in the distribution of wealth. He will +come to understand the essential equality of all men, and the real +nature of the contract which subsists between master and servant. +Yes, I am afraid the day is fast drawing near when you will no longer +venture to cut the hamal's pay for letting mosquitoes into your bed +curtains and he will no longer join his palms and call you his father +and mother for doing so. What a splendid capacity for obedience +there is in this ancient people! And our relations with them have +certainly taught us again how to govern, which is one of the +forgotten arts in the West. Where in the world to-day is there a +land so governed as this Indian Empire? + +And now each man wants his "character" before he makes his last +salaam, and what shall I say? "The bearer --- has been in my service +since --- and I have always found him --- " So far good; but what +next? Honest?--Yes. Willing?--Certainly. Careful?--Very. +Hardworking?--Well, I have often told him that he was a lazy +scoundrel, and that he might easily take a lesson in activity from +the bheestee's bullock, and perhaps I spoke the truth. But, after +all, he gets up in the morning an hour before me, and eats his dinner +after I have retired for the night. He gets no Saturday half- +holiday, and my Sabbath is to him as the other days of the week. And +so the hard things I have said of him and to him are forgotten, and +charity triumphs at the last. And when my furlough is over and I +return to these shores, the whole troop will be at the Apollo Bunder, +waiting to welcome back their old master and eat his salt again. + + + +POSTSCRIPT. THE GOWLEE, OR DOODWALLAH + + + +Gopal, the Gowlee, haunts me in my dreams, complaining that he has +been left out in the cold. I had classed him with the borah and the +baker, as outsiders with whom I had merely business relations; but +Gopal seems to urge that he is not on the same footing with these. +How can he be compared to a mercenary borah? Has he not ministered +to my wants, morning and evening, in wet weather and dry? Have not +my children grown up on his milk? He will not deny that they have +eaten the baker's bread too; but who is the baker? Does he come into +the saheb's presence in person as Gopal does? No. He sits in his +shop and sends a servant. Not so Gopal. He is one of my children, +and I am his father and mother. And I am forced to admit there is +some truth in this view of the case. The ill-favoured man who haunts +my house of a morning, with a large basket of loaves poised slantwise +on his head, and converses in a strange nasal brogue with the cook, +is not Mr. de Souza, "baker of superior first and second sort bread, +and manufacturer of every kind of biscuit, cake," &c., but a mere +underling. My intercourse with the head of the firm is confined to +the first day of each month, when he waits on me in person, dressed +in a smart black jacket, and presents his bill. Also on Good Friday +he sends me a cake and his compliments, but the former, if it is not +intercepted by the butler and applied to his own uses, is generally +too unctuous for my taste. Very different are our relations with the +Doodwallah. Our chota hazree waits for him in the morning; our +afternoon tea cannot proceed till he comes; the baby cries if the +Doodwallah is late. And even if you are one of the few who strike +for independence and keep their own cow, I still counsel you to +maintain amicable relations with the Doodwallah. One day the cow +will kick and refuse to be milked, and the butler will come to you +with a troubled countenance. It is a grave case and demands +professional skill. The Doodwallah must be sent for to milk the cow. +In many other ways, too, we are made to feel our dependence on him. +I believe we rarely die of cholera, or typhoid fever, without his +unobtrusive assistance. And all his services are performed in +person, not through any underling. That stately man who walks up the +garden path morning and evening, erect as a betel-nut palm, with a +tiara of graduated milk-pots on his head, and driving a snorting +buffalo before him, is Gopal himself. Scarcely any other figure in +the compound impresses me in the same way as his. It is altogether +Eastern in its simple dignity, and symbolically it is eloquent. The +buffalo represents absolute milk and the lessening pyramid of brass +lotas, from the great two-gallon vessel at the base to the 0.25-seer +measure at the top, stand for successive degrees of dilution with +that pure element which runs in the roadside ditches after rain. +Thus his insignia interpret themselves to me. Gopal does not +acknowledge my heraldry, but explains that the lowest lota contains +butter milk--that is to say, milk for making butter. The second +contains milk which is excellent for drinking, but will not yield +butter; the third a cheaper quality of milk for puddings, and so on. +If you are an anxious mother, or a fastidious bachelor, and none of +these will please you, then he brings the buffalo to the door and +milks it in your presence. I think the truth which underlies the two +ways of putting the thing is the same: Gopal and I differ in form of +words only. However that may be, practice is more than theory, and I +stipulate for milk for all purposes from the lowest lota--that is, +milk which is warranted to yield butter. If it will not stand that +test, I reject it. Gopal wonders at my extravagance, but consents. +The milk is good and the butter from it plentiful. But as time goes +on the latter declines both in quantity and quality, so gradually +that suspicion is scarcely awakened. When at last you summon the +butler to a consultation, he suggests that the weather has been too +hot for successful butter making, or too cold. If these reasons do +not satisfy you, he has others; if they fail, he gives his verdict +against the Doodwallah. Next morning Gopal is called to superintend +the making of the butter and convicted, convicted but not abashed. +He expresses the greatest regret, but blames the buffalo; its calf is +too old. To-morrow you shall have the produce of another buffalo. +So next day you have the satisfaction of seeing a fine healthy pat of +butter swimming in the butter dish, carved and curled with all the +butler's art, like a full-blown dahlia. But the milk in your tea +does not improve, for Gopal, after ascertaining how much milk you set +aside for butter every day, finds that the new buffalo yields only +that quantity, and so what you require for other purposes comes from +another source. The butler forgot to tell you this. What bond is +there between him and honest Gopal? I cannot tell. Many are the +mysteries of housekeeping in India, and puzzling its problems. If +you could behead your butler when anything went wrong, I have very +little doubt everything would go right, but the complicated methods +of modern justice are no match for the subtleties of Indian petty +wickedness. And yet under this crust of cunning there is a vein of +simple stupidity which constantly crops up where you least expect it. +I remember a gentleman, a bachelor, who set before himself a very +high standard. He would be strictly just and justly strict. He +suspected that his milk was watered, but his faithful boy protested +that this could not be, as the milking was begun and finished in his +presence. So the master provided himself with a lactometer, and the +suspicion became certainty. Summoning his boy into his presence, he +explained to him that that little instrument, which he saw floating +in the so-called milk before him, could neither lie nor be deceived. +"It declares," he added sternly, "that there is twenty-five per cent. +of water in this milk." "Your lordship speaks the truth," answered +the faithful man, "but how could I tell a lie? The milk was drawn in +my presence." "Do you mean to say you were there the whole time the +animal was being milked?" "The whole time, your lordship. Would I +give those rogues the chance of watering the saheb's milk?" The +master thought for a moment, and asked again, "Are you sure there was +no water in the pail before the milking began?--these people are very +cunning." "They are as cunning as sheitan, your lordship, but I made +the man turn the pail upside down and shake it." Again the master +turned the matter over in his just mind, and it occurred to him that +the lactometer was of English manufacture and might be puzzled by the +milk of the buffalo. "Is this cow's milk, or buffalo's?" he asked. +The boy was beginning to feel his position uncomfortable and caught +at this chance of escape. "Ah! that I cannot tell. It may be +buffalo's milk." Tableau. + +I have spoken of having butter made in the house, but Gopal carries +on all departments of a dairyman's business, and you may buy butter +of him at two annas a "cope." Let philologists settle the derivation +of the word. The "cope" is a measure like a small tea-cup, and when +Gopal has filled it, he presses the butter well down with his hand, +so that a man skilled in palmistry may read the honest milkman's +fortune off any cope of his butter. How he makes it, or of what +materials, I dare not say. Many flavours mingle in it, some familiar +enough, some unknown to me. Its texture varies too. Sometimes it is +pasty, sometimes semi-fluid, sometimes sticky, following the knife. +In colour it is bluish-white, unless dyed. All things considered, I +refuse Gopal's butter, and have mine made at home. The process is +very simple, and no churn is needed. Every morning the milk for next +day's butter is put into a large flat dish, to stand for twenty-four +hours, at the end of which time, if the dish is as dirty as it should +be, the milk has curdled. Then, with a tin spoon, Mukkun skims off +the cream and puts it into a large pickle bottle, and squatting on +the ground, more suo, bumps the bottle upon a pad until the butter is +made. The artistic work of preparing it for presentation remains. +First it is dyed yellow with a certain seed, that it may please the +saheb's taste, for buffalo butter is quite white, and you know it is +an axiom in India that cow's milk does not yield butter. Then Mukkun +takes a little bamboo instrument and patiently works the butter into +a "flower" and sends it to breakfast floating in cold water. + +Gopal is a man of substance, owning many buffaloes and immensely fat +Guzerat cows, with prodigious humps and large pendent ears. His +family, having been connected for many generations with the sacred +animal, he enjoys a certain consciousness of moral respectability, +like a man whose uncles are deans or canons. In my mind, he is +always associated rather with his buffaloes, those great, unwieldy, +hairless, slate-coloured docile, intelligent antediluvians. + + + +THE MISCELLANEOUS WALLAHS + + + +I have yielded to the claim of the doodwallah to be reckoned among +the nowkers. His right is more than doubtful, and I will yield no +further. Nevertheless, there is a cluster of petty dependents, a +nebula of minor satellites, which have us for the focus of their +orbit, and which cannot be left out of a comprehensive account of our +system. Whence, for example, is that raucus stridulation which sets +every tooth on edge and sends a rheumatic shiver up my spine? "It is +only the Kalai-wallah," says the boy, and points to a muscular black +man, very nearly in the garb of a Grecian athlete, standing with both +feet in one of my largest cooking pots. He grasps a post with both +hands, and swings his whole frame fiercely from side to side with a +circular motion, like the balance wheel of a watch. He seems to have +a rough cloth and sand under his feet, so I suppose this is only his +energetic way of scouring the pot preparatory to tinning it, for the +Kalai-wallah is the "tin-man," whose beneficent office it is to avert +death by verdigris and salts of copper from you and your family. His +assistant, a semi-nude, fleshless youth, has already extemporized a +furnace of clay in the ground hard by, and is working a huge pair of +clumsy bellows. Around him are all manner of copper kitchen +utensils, handies, or deckshies, kettles, frying-pans, and what not, +and there are also on the ground some rings of kalai, commonly called +tin; but pure tin is an expensive metal, and I do not think it is any +part of the Kalai-wallah's care to see that you are not poisoned with +lead. One notable peculiarity there is in this Kalai-wallah, or tin- +man, which deserves record, namely, that he pays no dustooree to any +man. I take it as sufficient evidence of this fact that, though even +the matie could tell you that the pots ought to be tinned once a +month, neither the butler nor the cook ever seems to remember when +the day comes round. This is a matter which you must see to +personally. Contrast with this the case of the Nalbund, the clink of +whose hammer in the early morning tells that the 15th of the month +has dawned. His portable anvil is already in the ground, and he is +hammering the shoes into shape after a fashion; but he is not very +particular about this, for if the shoe does not fit the hoof he can +always cut the hoof to fit the shoe. This is an advantage which the +maker of shoes for human feet does not enjoy, though I have heard of +very fashionable ladies who secretly have one toe amputated that the +rest may more easily be squeezed into that curious pointed thing, +which, by some mysterious process of mind, is regarded as an elegant +shoe. But this is by the way. To return to the Nalbund. His work +is guaranteed to last one calendar month, and your faithful +ghorawallah, who remembers nothing else, and scarcely knows the day +of the week, bears in mind the exact date on which the horse has to +be shod next, and if the careless Nalbund does not appear, promptly +goes in search of him. Does not this speak volumes for the +efficiency of that venerable and wonderful institution dustooree, by +which the interests of all classes are cemented together and the +wheels of the social system are oiled? The shoeing of the bullock is +generally a distinct profession, I believe, from the shoeing of the +horse, and is not considered such a high art. The poor byle is +thrown, and, his feet being tied together, the assistant holds his +nose to the ground, while the master nails a small slip of bad iron +to each half of the hoof. I often stop on my way to contemplate this +spectacle, which beautifully illustrates that cold patience, or +natural thick-skinnedness, which fits the byle so admirably for his +lot in this land. He is yoked to a creaking cart and prodded with a +sharp nail to make him go, his female ancestry reviled to the third +generation, his belly tickled with the driver's toes, and his tail +twisted till the joints crack, but he plods patiently on till he +feels disposed to stop, and then he lies down and takes with an even +mind such cudgelling as the enraged driver can inflict. At last a +fire of straw is lighted under him, and then he gets up and goes on. +He never grows restive or frets, as a horse would, and so he does not +wear out. This is the reason why bullocks are used throughout India +for all agricultural purposes. The horse does not suit the genius of +the people. I wish horses in India could do without shoes. In sandy +districts, like Guzerat, they can, and are much better unshod; but in +the stony Deccan some protection is absolutely necessary, and the +poor beast is often at the mercy of the village bullock Nalbund. It +carries my thoughts to the days of our forefathers, when the +blacksmith was also the dentist. + +The Nalbund leads naturally to the Ghasswallah, or grass-man, whose +sign is a mountain of green stuff, which comes nodding in at the back +gate every day upon four emaciated legs. A small pony's nose +protrudes from the front, with a muzzle on, for in such matters the +spirit of the law of Moses is not current in this country. The mild +Hindoo does muzzle the mouth of the ox that treadeth out the corn. +His religion forbids him to take life, and he obeys, but he steers as +near to that sin as he can, without actually committing it, and +vitality is seen here at a lower ebb, perhaps, than in any other +country under the sun. The grassman maintains just so much flesh on +the bones of his beast as will suffice to hold them together under +their burden, and this can be done without lucerne grass, so poor +Tantalus toddles about, buried under a pile of sweet-scented, fresh, +green herbage, ministering to the sleek aristocracy of his own kind, +and returns to gnaw his daily allowance of kurbee. There is, +however, one alleviation of his lot for which he may well be +thankful, and that is that his burden so encompasses him about that +the stick of his driver cannot get at any part of him. I believe the +Ghasswallah is an institution peculiar to our presidency--this kind +of Ghasswallah, I mean, who is properly a farmer, owning large well- +irrigated fields of lucerne grass. Hay is supplied by another kind +of Ghasswallah, who does not keep a pony, but brings the daily +allowance on his head. That allowance is five polees for each horse. +A polee is a bundle of grass about as thick as a tree, and as long as +a bit of string. This hay merchant does a large business, and used +to send in a monthly bill to each of his constituents in due form, +thus:- + + +To Hurree Ganesh, January. + Mr. Esmith, Esquire Dr. + To supplying grass to one horse Rs. 7 0 0 + Ditto to half a horse 3 8 0 + Total Rs. 10 8 0 + E. E.& contents received. + + +The half a horse was a cow. + +As the monsoon draws to a close and the weather begins to get colder, +a man in a tight brown suit and leather belt, with an unmistakable +flavour of sport about him, presents himself at the door. This is +the shikaree come with khubber of "ishnap," and quail, and duck, and +in fact of anything you like up to bison and tiger. But we must +dismiss him to-day. He would require a chapter to himself, and would +take me over ground quite outside of my present scope. What a loocha +he is! + +What shall I say of the Roteewallah and the Jooteewallah, who comes +round so regularly to keep your boots and shoes in disrepair, and of +all the vociferous tribe of borahs? There is the Kupprawallah, and +the Boxwallah, and the Ready-made-clotheswallah ("readee made cloes +mem sa-ab! dressin' gown, badee, petticoat, drars, chamees, +everyting, mem sa-ab, very che-eap!") and the Chowchowwallah and the +Maiwawallah or fruit man, with his pleasant basket of pomeloes and +oranges, plantains, red and white, custard apples, guavas, figs, +grapes, and pineapples, and those suspicious-looking old iron scales, +hanging by greasy, knotted strings. Each of these good people, it +seems, lives in this hard world for no other end but to supply my +wants. One of them is positive that he supplied my father with the +necessaries of life before I was born. He is by appearance about +eighteen years of age, but this presents no difficulty, for if it was +not he who ministered to my parent, it was his father, and so he has +not only a personal, but a hereditary claim on me. He is a +workboxwallah, and is yearning to show his regard for me by +presenting me with a lady's sandalwood dressing-case in return for +the trifling sum of thirty-five rupees. The sindworkwallah, who has +a similar esteem for me, scorns the thought of wishing to sell, but +if I would just look at some of his beautiful things, he could go +away happy. When they are all spread upon the ground, then it occurs +to him that I have it in my power to make him lucky for the day by +buying a fancy smoking-cap, which, by-the-by, he brought expressly +for me. But this subject always makes me sad, for there is no +disguising the fact that the borah is fast passing away for ever, and +with him all the glowing morning tints of that life which we used to +live when India was still India. But let that regret pass. One +wallah remains, who presents himself at your door, not monthly, or +weekly, but every day, and often twice a day, and not at the back +verandah, but at the front, walking confidently up to the very easy- +chair on which we stretch our lordly limbs. And I may safely say +that, of all who claim directly or indirectly to have eaten our salt, +there is not a man for whom we have, one and all of us, a kindlier +feeling. You may argue that he is only a public servant, and has +really far less claim on us than any of the others; never mind - + + +"I pray thee, peace. I will be flesh and blood." + + +The English mail is in, and we feel, and will feel, towards that red- +livened man as Noah felt towards the dove with the olive branch in +her mouth. And when Christmas comes round, howsoever we may harden +ourselves against others, scarcely one of us, I know, will grudge a +rupee to the tapalwallah. + + + + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK, BEHIND THE BUNGALOW *** + +This file should be named bbng10.txt or bbng10.zip +Corrected EDITIONS of our eBooks get a new NUMBER, bbng11.txt +VERSIONS based on separate sources get new LETTER, bbng10a.txt + +Project Gutenberg eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the US +unless a copyright notice is included. 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