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+The Project Gutenberg eBook, Behind the Bungalow, by EHA, Illustrated by
+F. C. Macrae
+
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most
+other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions 
+whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of
+the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at 
+www.gutenberg.org.  If you are not located in the United States, you'll have
+to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook.
+
+
+
+
+Title: Behind the Bungalow
+
+
+Author: EHA
+
+
+
+Release Date: May 4, 2015  [eBook #7953]
+[This file was first posted on June 4, 2003]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: UTF-8
+
+
+***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BEHIND THE BUNGALOW***
+
+
+Transcribed from the 1897 W. Thacker & Co. by David Price, email
+ccx074@pglaf.org
+
+                          [Picture: Book cover]
+
+              [Picture: Frontispiece, “Behind the Bungalow”]
+
+
+
+
+
+                           BEHIND THE BUNGALOW
+
+
+                                  BY EHA
+                  AUTHOR OF “THE TRIBES ON MY FRONTIER”
+                       “A NATURALIST ON THE PROWL”
+
+                                * * * * *
+
+                              Illustrated by
+                               F. C. MACRAE
+
+                                * * * * *
+
+                                * * * * *
+
+                              SIXTH EDITION
+
+                                * * * * *
+
+                                * * * * *
+
+                                  LONDON
+                  W. THACKER & CO., 2, CREED LANE, E.C.
+                      CALCUTTA: THACKER, SPINK & CO.
+                                   1897
+
+                         [_All rights reserved_]
+
+
+
+
+PREFACE.
+
+
+THESE papers appeared in the _Times of India_, and were written, of
+course, for the Bombay Presidency; but the Indian _Nowker_ exhibits very
+much the same traits wherever he is found and under whatsoever name.
+
+
+
+
+ENGAGING A BOY.
+
+
+[Picture: Pictures of various Indian men] EXTENDED, six feet of me, over
+an ample easy-chair, in absolute repose of mind and body, soothed with a
+cup of tea which Canjee had ministered to me, comforted by the slippers
+which he had put on my feet in place of a heavy pair of boots which he
+had unlaced and taken away, feeling in charity with all mankind—from this
+standpoint I began to contemplate “The Boy.”
+
+What a wonderful provision of nature he is in this half-hatched
+civilization of ours, which merely distracts our energies by multiplying
+our needs and leaves us no better off than we were before we discovered
+them!  He seems to have a natural aptitude for discerning, or even
+inventing, your wants and supplies them before you yourself are aware of
+them.  While in his hands nothing petty invades you.  Great-mindedness
+becomes possible.  “Magnanimus Æneas” must have had an excellent Boy.
+What is the history of the Boy?  How and where did he originate?  What is
+the derivation of his name?  I have heard it traced to the Hindoostanee
+word _bhai_, a brother, but the usual attitude of the Anglo-Indian’s mind
+towards his domestics does not give sufficient support to this.  I
+incline to the belief that the word is of hybrid origin, having its roots
+in _bhoee_, a bearer, and drawing the tenderer shades of its meaning from
+the English word which it resembles.  To this no doubt may be traced in
+part the master’s disposition to regard his boy always as _in statu
+pupillari_.  Perhaps he carries this view of the relationship too far,
+but the Boy, on the other hand, cheerfully regards him as _in loco
+parentis_ and accepts much from him which he will not endure from a
+stranger.  A cuff from his master (delivered in a right spirit) raises
+his dignity, but the same from a guest in the house wounds him terribly.
+He protests that it is “not regulation.”  And in this happy spirit of
+filial piety he will live until his hair grows white and his hand shaky
+and his teeth fall out and service gives place to worship, _dulia_ to
+_latria_, and the most revered idol among his _penates_ is the photograph
+of his departed master.  With a tear in his dim old eye he takes it from
+its shrine and unwraps the red handkerchief in which it is folded, while
+he tells of the virtues of the great and good man.  He says there are no
+such masters in these days, and when you reply that there are no such
+servants either, he does not contradict you.  Yet he may have been a sad
+young scamp when he began life as a dog-boy fifty-five years ago, and, on
+the other hand, it is not so impossible as it seems that the scapegrace
+for whose special behoof you keep a rattan on your hat-pegs may mellow
+into a most respectable and trustworthy old man, at least if he is happy
+enough to settle under a good master; for the Boy is often very much a
+reflection of the master.  Often, but not always.  Something depends on
+the grain of the material.  There are Boys and Boys.  There is a Boy with
+whom, when you get him, you can do nothing but dismiss him, and this is
+not a loss to him only, but to you, for every dismissal weakens your
+position.  A man who parts lightly with his servants will never have a
+servant worth retaining.  At the morning conference in the market, where
+masters are discussed over the soothing _beeree_, none holds so low a
+place as the _saheb_ who has had eleven butlers in twelve months.  Only
+loafers will take service with him, and he must pay even them highly.
+Believe me, the reputation that your service is permanent, like service
+under the _Sircar_, is worth many rupees a month in India.
+
+The engagement of a first Boy, therefore, is a momentous crisis, fraught
+with fat contentment and a good digestion, or with unrest, distraction,
+bad temper, and a ruined constitution.  But, unfortunately, we approach
+this epoch in a condition of original ignorance.  There is not even any
+guide or handbook of Boys which we may consult.  The Griffin a week old
+has to decide for himself between not a dozen specimens, but a dozen
+types, all strange, and each differing from the other in dress,
+complexion, manner, and even language.  As soon as it becomes known that
+the new _saheb_ from England is in need of a Boy, the _levée_ begins.
+First you are waited upon by a personage of imposing appearance.  His
+broad and dignified face is ornamented with grey, well-trimmed whiskers.
+There is no lack of gold thread on his turban, an ample _cumberbund_
+envelopes his portly figure, and he wears canvas shoes.  He left his
+walking-cane at the door.  His testimonials are unexceptionable, mostly
+signed by mess secretaries; and he talks familiarly, in good English, of
+Members of Council.  Everything is most satisfactory, and you inquire,
+timidly, what salary he would expect.  He replies that that rests with
+your lordship: in his last appointment he had Rs. 35 a month, and a pony
+to ride to market.  The situation is now very embarrassing.  It is not
+only that you feel you are in the presence of a greater man than
+yourself, but that you know _he_ feels it.  By far the best way out of
+the difficulty is to accept your relative position, and tell him blandly
+that when you are a commissioner _saheb_, or a commander-in-chief, he
+shall be your head butler.  He will understand you, and retire with a
+polite assurance that that day is not far distant.
+
+As soon as the result of this interview becomes known, a man of very
+black complexion offers his services.  He has no shoes or _cumberbund_,
+but his coat is spotlessly white.  His certificates are excellent, but
+signed by persons whom you have not met or heard of.  They all speak of
+him as very hard-working and some say he is honest.  His spotless dress
+will prepossess you if you do not understand it.  Its real significance
+is that he had to go to the _dhobie_ to fit himself for coming into your
+presence.  This man’s expectations as regards salary are most modest, and
+you are in much danger of engaging him, unless the hotel butler takes an
+opportunity of warning you earnestly that, “This man not gentlyman’s
+servant, sir!  He sojer’s servant!”  In truth, we occupy in India a
+double social position; that which belongs to us among our friends, and
+that which belongs to us in the market, in the hotel, or at the dinner
+table, by virtue of our servants.  The former concerns our pride, but the
+latter concerns our comfort.  Please yourself, therefore, in the choice
+of your personal friends and companions, but as regards your servants
+keep up your standard.
+
+The next who offers himself will probably be of the Goanese variety.  He
+comes in a black coat, with continuations of checked jail cloth, and
+takes his hat off just before he enters the gate.  He is said to be a
+Colonel in the Goa Militia, but it is impossible to guess his rank, as he
+always wears _muftie_ in Bombay.  He calls himself plain Mr. Querobino
+Floriano de Braganza.  His testimonials are excellent; several of them
+say that he is a good tailor, which, to a bachelor, is a recommendation;
+and his expectations as regards his stipend are not immoderate.  The only
+suspicious thing is that his services have been dispensed with on several
+occasions very suddenly without apparent reason.  He sheds no light on
+this circumstance when you question him, but closer scrutiny of his
+certificates will reveal the fact that the convivial season of Christmas
+has a certain fatality for him.
+
+When he retires, you may have a call from a fine looking old follower of
+the Prophet.  He is dressed in spotless white, with a white turban and
+white _cumberbund_; his beard would be as white as either if he had not
+dyed it rich orange.  He also has lost his place very suddenly more than
+once, and on the last occasion without a certificate.  When you ask him
+the cause of this, he explains, with a certain brief dignity, in good
+Hindoostanee, that there was some _tukrar_ (disagreement) between him and
+one of the other servants, in which his master took the part of the
+other, and as his _abroo_ (honour) was concerned, he resigned.  He does
+not tell you that the _tukrar_ in question culminated in his pursuing the
+cook round the compound with a carving-knife in his hand, after which he
+burst into the presence of the lady of the house, gesticulating with the
+same weapon, and informed her, in a heated manner, that he was quite
+prepared to cut the throats of all the servants, if honour required it.
+
+If none of the preceding please you, you shall have several varieties of
+the Soortee tribe anxious to take service with you; nice looking, clean
+men, with fair complexions.  There will be the inevitable unfortunate
+whose house was burned to ashes two months ago, on which occasion he lost
+everything he had, including, of course, all his valuable certificates.
+Another will send in a budget dating from the troubled times of the
+mutiny.  From them it will appear that he has served in almost every
+capacity and can turn his hand to anything, is especially good with
+children, cooks well, and knows English thoroughly, having been twice to
+England with his master.  When this desirable man is summoned into your
+presence, you cannot help being startled to find how lightly age sits
+upon him; he looks like twenty-five.  As for his knowledge of English, it
+must be latent, for he always falls back upon his own vernacular for
+purposes of conversation.  You rashly charge him with having stolen his
+certificates, but he indignantly repels the insinuation.  You find a
+discrepancy, however, in the name and press him still further, whereupon
+he retires from his first position to the extent of admitting that the
+papers, though rightfully his, were earned by his father.  He does not
+seem to think this detracts much from their value.  Others will come,
+with less pronounced characteristics, and, therefore, more perplexing.
+The Madrassee will be there, with his spherical turban and his wonderful
+command of colloquial English; he is supposed to know how to prepare that
+mysterious luxury, “real Madras curry.”  Bengal servants are not common
+in Bombay, fortunately, for they would only add to the perplexity.  The
+larger the series of specimens which you examine, the more difficult it
+becomes to decide to which of them all you should commit your happiness.
+“Characters” are a snare, for the master when parting with his Boy too
+often pays off arrears of charity in his certificate; and besides, the
+prudent Boy always has his papers read to him and eliminates anything
+detrimental to his interests.  But there must be marks by which, if you
+were to study them closely, you might distinguish the occult qualities of
+Boys and divide them into genera and orders.  The subject only wants its
+Linnæus.  If ever I gird myself for my _magnum opus_, I am determined it
+shall be a “Compendious Guide to the Classification of Indian Boys.”
+
+
+
+
+THE BOY AT HOME.
+
+
+[Picture: The boy and man] YOUR Boy is your _valet de chambre_, your
+butler, your tailor, your steward and general agent, your interpreter, or
+oriental translator and your treasurer.  On assuming charge of his duties
+he takes steps first, in an unobtrusive way, to ascertain the amount of
+your income, both that he may know the measure of his dignity, and also
+that he may be able to form an estimate of what you ought to spend.  This
+is a matter with which he feels he is officially concerned.  Indeed, the
+arrangement which accords best with his own view of his position and
+responsibilities is that, as you draw your salary each month, you should
+make it over to him in full.  Under this arrangement he has a tendency to
+grow rich, and, as a consequence, portly in his figure and consequential
+in his bearing, in return for which he will manage all your affairs
+without allowing you to be worried by the cares of life, supply all your
+wants, keep you in pocket money, and maintain your dignity on all
+occasions.  If you have not a large enough soul to consent to this
+arrangement, he is not discouraged.  He will still be your treasurer,
+meeting all your petty liabilities out of his own funds and coming to
+your aid when you find yourself without change.  As far as my
+observations go, this is an infallible mark of a really respectable Boy,
+that he is never without money.  At the end of the month he presents you
+a faithful account of his expenditure, the purport of which is plainly
+this, that since you did not hand over your salary to him at the
+beginning of the month, you are to do so now.  Q.E.F.  There is a mystery
+about these accounts which I have never been able to solve.  The total is
+always, on the face of it, monstrous and not to be endured; but when you
+call your Boy up and prepare to discharge the bombshell of your
+indignation, he merely inquires in an unagitated tone of voice which item
+you find fault with, and you become painfully aware that you have not a
+leg to stand on.  In the first place, most of the items are too minute to
+allow of much retrenchment.  You can scarcely make sweeping reductions on
+such charges as:—“Butons for master’s trouser, 9 pies;” “Tramwei for
+going to market, 1 anna 6 pies;” “Grain to sparrow” (canary seed!) “1
+anna 3 pies;” “Making white to master’s hat, 5 pies.”  And when at last
+you find a charge big enough to lay hold of, the imperturbable man
+proceeds to explain how, in the case of that particular item, he was
+able, by the exercise of a little forethought, to save you 2 annas and 3
+pies.  I have struggled against these accounts and know them.  It is vain
+to be indignant.  You must just pay the bill, and if you do not want
+another, you must make up your mind to be your own treasurer.  You will
+fall in your Boy’s estimation, but it does not follow that he will leave
+your service.  The notion that every native servant makes a principle of
+saving the whole of his wages and remitting them monthly to Goa, or
+Nowsaree, is one of the ancient myths of Anglo-India.  I do not mean to
+say that if you encourage your Boy to do this he will refuse; on the
+contrary, he likes it.  But the ordinary Boy, I believe, is not a prey to
+ambition and, if he can find service to his mind, easily reconciles
+himself to living on his wages, or, as he terms it, in the practical
+spirit of oriental imagery, “eating” them.  The conditions he values seem
+to be,—permanence, respectful treatment, immunity from kicks and cuffs
+and from abuse, especially in his own tongue, and, above all, a quiet
+life, without _kitkit_, which may be vulgarly translated, nagging.  He
+considers his situation with regard to these conditions, he considers
+also his pay and prospect of unjust emoluments, with a judicial mind he
+balances the one against the other, and if he works patiently on, it is
+because the balance is in his favour.  I am satisfied that it is an axiom
+of domestic economy in India that the treatment which you mete out to
+your Boy has a definite money value.  Ill-usage of him is a luxury like
+any other, paid for by those who enjoy it, not to be had otherwise.
+
+There is one other thing on which he sets his childish heart.  He likes
+service with a master who is in some sort a _burra saheb_.  He is by
+nature a hero worshipper—and master is his natural hero.  The saying,
+that no man is a hero to his own valet, has no application here.  In
+India, if you are not a hero to your own Boy, I should say, without
+wishing to be unpleasant, that the probabilities are against your being a
+hero to anybody.  It is very difficult for us, with our notions, to enter
+into the Boy’s beautiful idea of the relationship which subsists between
+him and master.  To get at it at all we must realize that no shade of
+radicalism has ever crossed his social theory.  “Liberty, Equality, and
+Fraternity” is a monstrous conception, to which he would not open his
+mind if he could.  He sees that the world contains masters and servants,
+and doubts not that the former were provided for the accommodation of the
+latter.  His fate having made him a servant, his master is the foundation
+on which he stands.  Everything, therefore, which relates to the
+well-being, and especially to the reputation, of his master, is a
+personal concern of his own.  _Per contra_, he does not forget that he is
+the ornament of his master.  I had a Boy once whom I retained chiefly as
+a curiosity, for I believe he had the smallest adult human head in
+heathendom.  He appeared before me one day with that minute organ
+surmounted by a gorgeous turban of purple and gold, which he informed me
+had cost about a month’s pay.  Now I knew that his brain was never equal
+to the management of his own affairs, so that he was always in pecuniary
+straits, but he anticipated my curiosity by informing me that he had
+raised the necessary funds by pawning his wife’s bangles.  Unthinkingly I
+reproached him, and then I saw, coming over his countenance, the bitter
+expression of one who has met with rebuff when he looked for sympathy.
+Arranging himself in his proudest attitude, he exclaimed, “Saheb, is it
+not for your glory?  When strangers see me will they not ask, ‘Whose
+servant is that?”’  Living always under the influence of this spirit, the
+Boy never loses an opportunity of enforcing your importance, and his own
+as your representative.  When you are staying with friends, he gives the
+butler notice of your tastes.  If tea is made for breakfast, he demands
+coffee or cocoa; if jam is opened, he will try to insist upon marmalade.
+At an hotel he orders special dishes.  When you buy a horse or a
+carriage, he discovers defects in it, and is gratified if he can persuade
+you to return it and let people see that you are not to be imposed upon
+or trifled with.  He delights to keep creditors and mean men waiting at
+the door until it shall be your pleasure to see them.  But it is only
+justice to say that it will be your own fault if this disposition is not
+tempered with something of a purer feeling, a kind of filial regard and
+even reverence—if reverence is at all possible—under the influence of
+which he will take a kindly interest in your health and comfort.  When
+your wife is away, he seems to feel a special responsibility, and my
+friend’s Boy, when warning his master against an unwholesome luxury,
+would enforce his words with the gentle admonition, “Missis never
+allowing, sir.”
+
+It is this way of regarding himself and his master which makes the Boy
+generally such a faithful servant; but he often has a sort of spurious
+conscience, too, growing out of the fond pride with which he cherishes
+his good name, so that you do not strain the truth to say that he is
+strictly honest.  Veracity is the point on which he is weakest, but even
+in this there are exceptions.  My last Boy was curiously scrupulous about
+the truth, and would rarely tell a lie, even to shield himself from
+blame, though he would do so to get the _hamal_ into a scrape.
+
+I regret to say that the Boy has flaws.  His memory is a miracle; but
+just once in a way, when you are dining at the club, he lays out your
+clothes nicely without a collar.  He sends you off on an excursion to
+Matheran, and packs your box in his neat way; but instead of putting one
+complete sleeping suit, he puts in the upper parts of two, without the
+nether and more necessary portions.  It is irritating to discover, when
+you are dressing in a hurry, that he has put your studs into the upper
+flap of your shirt front; but I am not sure it does not try your patience
+more to find out, as you brush your teeth, that he has replenished your
+tooth-powder box from a bottle of Gregory’s mixture.  But Dhobie day is
+his opportunity.  He first delivers the soiled clothes by tale, diving
+into each pocket to see if you have left rupees in it; but he sends a set
+of studs to be washed.  Then he sits down to execute repairs.  He has an
+assorted packet of metal and cotton buttons beside him, from which he
+takes at random.  He finishes with your socks, which he skilfully darns
+with white thread, and contemplates the piebald effect with much
+satisfaction; after which he puts them up in little balls, each
+containing a pair of different colours.  Finally he will arrange all the
+clean clothes in the drawer on a principle of his own, the effect of
+which will find its final development in your temper when you go in haste
+for a handkerchief.  I suspect there is often an explanation of these
+things which we do not think of.  The poor Boy has other things on his
+mind besides your clothes.  He has a wife, or two, and children, and they
+are not with him.  His child sickens and dies, or his wife runs away with
+someone else, and carries off all the jewellery in which he invested his
+savings; but he goes about his work in silence, and we only remark that
+he has been unusually stupid the last few days.
+
+So much for the Boy in general.  As for your own particular Boy, he must
+be a very exceptional specimen if he has not persuaded you long since
+that, though Boys in general are a rascally lot, you have been singularly
+fortunate in yours.
+
+                         [Picture: To Matheran!]
+
+
+
+
+THE DOG-BOY.
+
+
+[Picture: A dog boy] IN Bombay it is not enough to fit yourself with a
+Boy: your dog requires a Boy too.  I have always felt an interest in the
+smart little race of Bombay dog-boys.  As a corps, they go on with little
+change from year to year, but individually they are of short duration,
+and the question naturally arises, What becomes of them all when they
+outgrow their dog-boyhood?  From such observations as I have been able to
+make, I believe the dog-boy is not a species by himself, but represents
+the early, or larva, stage of several varieties of domestic servants.
+The clean little man, in neat print jacket and red velveteen cap, is the
+young of a butler; while another, whom nothing can induce to keep himself
+clean, would probably, if you reared him, turn into a _ghorawalla_.
+There are others, in appearance intermediate, who are the offspring of
+_hamals_ and _mussals_.  These at a later stage become _coolies_, going
+to market in the morning, fetching ice and soda-water, and so on, until
+they mature into _hamals_ and _mussals_ themselves.  Like all larvæ,
+dog-boys eat voraciously and grow rapidly.  You engage a little fellow
+about a cubit high, and for a time he does not seem to change at all;
+then one morning you notice that his legs have come out half a yard or
+more from his pantaloons, and soon your bright little page is a gawky,
+long-limbed lout, who comes to ask for leave that he may go to his
+country and get married.  If you do not give it he will take it, and no
+doubt you are well rid of him, for the intellect in these people ripens
+about the age of fourteen or fifteen, and after that the faculty of
+learning anything new stops, and general intelligence declines.  At any
+rate, when once your boy begins to grow long and weedy, his days as a
+dog-boy are ended.  He will pass through a chrysalis stage in his
+country, or somewhere else, and after a time emerge in his mature form,
+in which he will still remember you, and _salaam_ to you when he meets
+you on the road.  If he left your service in disgrace, he is so much the
+more punctilious in observing this ceremony, which is not an expression
+of gratitude, but merely an assertion of his right to public recognition
+at your hands, as one who had the honour of eating your salt.  I am
+certain an Oriental _salaam_ is essentially a claim rather than a
+tribute.  For this reason your peons, as they stand in line to receive
+you at your office door, are very careful not to _salaam_ all at once,
+lest you might think one promiscuous recognition sufficient for all.  The
+havildar, or naik, as is his right, salutes first, and then the rest
+follow with sufficient interval to allow you to recognise each one
+separately.  I have met some men with such lordly souls that they would
+not condescend to acknowledge the salutations of menials; but you gain
+nothing by this kind of pride in India.  They only conclude that you are
+not an _asl_, or born, _saheb_, and rejoice that at any rate you cannot
+take away their right to do obeisance to you.  And you cannot.  Your very
+_bhunghie_ does you a pompous salutation in public places, and you have
+no redress.
+
+The dog-boy’s primary duties are to feed, tend and wash his charge, and
+to take it for a walk morning and evening; but he is active and very
+acute, and many other duties fall naturally to him.  It seems hard that
+he should come under the yoke so early, but we must not approach such
+subjects with Western ideas.  The exuberant spirits of boyhood are not
+indigenous to this country, and the dog-boy has none of them.  He never
+does mischief for mischief’s sake; he robs no bird’s nest; he feels no
+impulse to trifle with the policeman.  Marbles are his principal pastime.
+He puts the thumb of his left hand to the ground and discharges his taw
+from the point of his second finger, bending it back till it touches the
+back of the hand and then letting it off like a steel spring.  Then he
+follows up on all fours, with the action of a monsoon frog in pursuit of
+a fugitive ant.  But liberty and the pride of an independent position
+amply compensate any high-souled dog-boy for the loss of his few
+amusements.
+
+I have said that the dog-boy never does mischief for its own sake.  He
+would as soon do his duty for its own sake.  The motive is not
+sufficient.  You shall not find him refusing to do any mischief which
+tends to his own advantage.  I grieve to say it, for I have leanings
+towards the dog-boy, but there is in him a vein of unsophisticated
+depravity, which issues from the rock of his nature like a clear spring
+that no stirrings of conscience or shame have rendered turbid.  His face,
+it is simple and childlike, and he has the most innocent eye, but he
+tells any lie which the occasion demands with a freedom from
+embarrassment which at a later age will be impossible to him.  He stands
+his ground, too, under any fire of cross-examination.  The rattan would
+dislodge him, but unfortunately his guileless countenance too often
+shields him from this searching and wholesome instrument.  When he is
+sent for a hack buggy and returns after half-an-hour, with a perplexed
+face, saying that there is not one to be had anywhere, who would suspect
+that he has been holding an auction at the nearest stand, dwelling on the
+liberality and wealth of his master and the distance to which his
+business that morning will take him, and that, when he found no one would
+bid up to his reserve, he remained firm and came away.  Perhaps I seem
+hard on the dog-boy, but my experience has not been a happy one.  My
+first seemed to be an average specimen, moderately clean and
+well-behaved; but he was not satisfied with his wages.  He assured me
+that they did not suffice to fill his stomach.  I told him that I thought
+it would be his father’s duty for some years yet to feed and clothe him,
+but his young face grew very sad and he answered softly, “I have no
+father.”  So I took pity on him and raised his pay, at the same time
+assuring him that, if he behaved himself, I would take care of him.  His
+principal duty was to take the faithful Hubshee for a walk morning and
+evening, and when he returned he would tell me where he had gone and how
+he had avoided consorting with other dog-boys and their dogs.  When
+matters had gone on in this satisfactory way for some time, I happened to
+take an unusual walk one evening, and I came suddenly on a company of
+very lively little boys engaged in a most exciting game.  Their shouts
+and laughter mingled with the doleful howls of a dozen dogs which were
+closely chained in a long row to a railing, and among them I had no
+difficulty in recognising my Hubshee.  Suffice it to say that my dog-boy
+returned next day to his father, who proved to be in service next door.
+He was succeeded by a smart little fellow, well-dressed and scrupulously
+clean, but quite above his profession.  It seemed absurd to expect him to
+wash a dog, so, on the demise of his grandmother, or some other suitable
+occasion, he left me to find more congenial service elsewhere as a
+dressing-boy.  My next was a charity boy, the son of an ancient
+_ghorawalla_.  His father had been a faithful servant, and as regards
+domestic discipline, no one could say he spared the rod and spoiled the
+child.  On the contrary, as Shelley, I think, expresses it,
+
+    “He spoilt the rod and did not spare the child.”
+
+But if my last Boy had been above his work, this one proved to be below
+it.  You could not easily have disinfected any dog which he had been
+allowed to handle.  I tried to cure him, but nothing short of boiling in
+dilute carbolic acid would have purified him, and even then the effect
+would, I feel sure, have been only temporary.  So he returned to his
+stable litter and I engaged another.  This was a sturdy little man, with
+a fine, honest-looking face.  He had a dash of Negro blood in him, and
+wore a most picturesque head-dress.  In fact I felt that, æsthetically,
+he raised the tone of my house.  He was hardworking, too, and would do
+anything he was told, so that I seemed to have nothing to wish for now
+but that he might not grow old too soon.  But, alas!  I started on an
+excursion one night, leaving him in charge of my birds.  He promised to
+attend to them faithfully, and having seen me off, started on an
+excursion of his own, from which he did not get back till three o’clock
+next day.  I arrived at the same moment and he saw me.  Quick as thought
+he raced upstairs, flung the windows open and began to pull the covers
+off the bird-cages; but I came in before the operation could be finished.
+In the interests of common morality I thought it best to eject him from
+the premises before he had time to frame a lie.  About a week after this
+I received a petition, signed with his mark, recounting his faithful
+services, expressing his surprise and regret at the sudden and unprovoked
+manner in which I had dismissed him, and insinuating that some enemy or
+rival had poisoned my benevolent mind against him.  He concluded by
+demanding satisfaction.  I wonder what has become of him since.
+
+I have said that there is a vein of depravity in the dog-boy, but there
+must be a compensating vein of worth of some kind, an Ormuzd which in the
+end often triumphs over Ahriman.  The influences among which he developes
+do little for him.  At home he is certainly subject to a certain rugged
+discipline; his mother throws stones at him when she is angry, and his
+father, when he can catch him, gives him a cudgeling to be remembered.
+But when he leaves the parental roof he passes from all this and is left
+to himself.  Some masters treat him in a parental spirit and chastise him
+when he deserves it, and the Boy tyrannizes over him and twists his ear,
+but on the whole he grows as a tree grows.  And yet how often he matures
+into a most respectable and trustworthy man!
+
+                           [Picture: Dog-boys]
+
+
+
+
+THE GHORAWALLA, OR SYCE.
+
+
+[Picture: The Ghorawalla] A BOY for yourself, a boy for your dog, then a
+man for your horse; that is the usual order of trouble.  Of course the
+horse itself precedes the horse-keeper, but then I do not reckon the
+buying of a horse among life’s troubles, rather among its luxuries.  It
+combines all the subtle pleasures of shopping with a turbid excitement
+which is its own.  From the moment when you first start from the
+breakfast-table at the sound of hoofs, and find the noble animal at the
+door, arching his neck and champing his bit, as if he felt proud to bear
+that other animal, bandy-legged, mendacious, and altogether ignoble who
+sits jauntily on his back, down to the moment when you walk round to the
+stable for a little quiet enjoyment of the sense of ownership, there is a
+high tide of mental elation running through the days.  Then the
+_Ghorawalla_ supervenes.
+
+The first symptom of him is an indent for certain articles which he
+asserts to be absolutely necessary before he can enter on his
+professional duties.  These are a _jhule_, _baldee_, _tobra_, _mora_,
+_booroos_, _bagdoor_, _agadee_, _peechadee_, _curraree_, _hathalee_, &c.
+It is not very rational to be angry, for most of the articles, if not
+all, are really required.  Several of them, indeed, are only ropes, for
+the _Ghorawalla_, or syce, as they call him on the other side of India,
+gives every bit of cordage about his beast a separate name, as a sailor
+describes the rigging of a ship.  But the fact remains that there is
+something peculiarly irritating in this first indent.  Perhaps one feels,
+after buying and paying for a whole horse, that he might in decency have
+been allowed to breathe before being asked to pay again.  If this is it,
+the sooner the delusion is dissipated the better.  You will never have
+respite from payments while an active-minded syce remains on your staff.
+You think you have fitted him out with everything the heart of syce can
+desire, and he goes away seemingly happy, and commences work at once,
+hissing like twenty biscobras as he throws himself against the horse, and
+works his arms from wrist to elbow into its ribs.  It looks as if it
+would like to turn round and take a small piece out of his hinder parts
+with its teeth, but its nose is tied up to the roof of the stable, and
+its hind feet are pulled out and tied to a peg behind it, so that it can
+only writhe and cultivate that amiable temper which characterizes so many
+horses in this country.  And the syce is happy; but his happiness needs
+constant sustenance.  Next morning he is at the door with a request for
+an anna to buy oil.  Horses in this country cannot sleep without a
+night-light.  They are afraid of rats, I suppose, like ladies.  However,
+it is a small demand; all the syce’s demands are small, so are
+mosquitoes.  Next day he again wants an anna for oil, but this has
+nothing to do with the other.  Yesterday’s was one sort of oil for
+burning, this is another sort of oil for cleaning the bits.  To-morrow he
+will require a third sort of oil for softening the leather nose-bag, and
+the oils of the country will not be exhausted then.  Among the varied
+street-cries of Bombay, the “_I-scream_” man, the _tala-chavee-walla_,
+the _botlee-walla_, the vendors of greasy sweetmeats and _bawlee-sugah_,
+the legion of _borahs_, and that abominable little imp who issues from
+the newspaper offices, and walks the streets, yelling “Telleecram!
+tellee-c-r-a-a-m!” among them all there is one voice so penetrating, and
+so awakening where it penetrates, that—that I cannot find a fitting
+conclusion to this sentence.  Who of us has not started at that shrill
+squeal of pain, “Nee-ee-ee-ttile!”  The _Ghorawalla_ watches for it, and
+stopping the good-natured woman, brings her in and submits a request for
+a bottle of neat’s foot oil, for want of which your harness is going to
+destruction.  She has blacking as well as oil, but he will call her in
+for that afterwards.  He never concludes two transactions in one day.
+When he has succeeded in reducing you to such a state of irritability
+that it is not safe to mention money in your presence, he stops at once
+and changes tactics.  He brings the horse to the door with a thick layer
+of dust on the saddle and awaits your onset with the intrepid inquiry,
+“Can a saddle be kept clean without soap?”  I suppose a time will come
+when he will have got every article he can possibly use, and it is
+natural to hope that he will then be obliged to leave you.  But this also
+is a delusion.  On the contrary, his resources only begin to develop
+themselves when he has got all he wants.  First one of the leather things
+on the horse’s hind feet gives way and has to be cobbled, then a rope
+wears out and must be replaced, then a buckle gets loose and wants a
+stitch.  But his chief reliance is on the headstall and the nose-bag.
+When these have got well into use, one or other of them may be counted on
+to give way about every other day, and when nothing of the original
+article is left, the patches of which it is composed keep on giving way.
+Each repair costs from one to three pice, and it puzzles one to conceive
+what benefit a well-paid groom can derive from being the broker in such
+petty transactions.  But all the details of life in this country are
+microscopical, not only among the poor, but among those whose business is
+conducted in lakhs.  I have been told of a certain well-known, wealthy
+mill-owner who, when a water Brahmin at a railway station had supplied
+him and all his attendants with drinking-water, was seen to fumble in his
+waistband, and reward the useful man with one copper pie.  A pie at
+present rates of exchange is worth about 47/128 of a farthing, and it is
+instructive to note that emergency, when it came, found this Crœsus
+provided with such a coin.
+
+                      [Picture: Losing their heads]
+
+Now it is evident that if the syce can extort two pice from you for
+repairs and get the work done for five pies, one clear pie will adhere to
+his glutinous palm.  I do not assert that this is what happens, for I
+know nothing about it.  All I maintain is that there is no hypothesis
+which will satisfactorily explain all the facts, unless you admit the
+general principle that the syce derives advantage of some kind from the
+manipulation of the smallest copper coin.  One notable phenomenon which
+this principle helps to explain is the syce’s anxiety to have his horse
+shod on the due date every month.  If the shoes are put on so atrociously
+that they stick for more than a month, I suspect he considers it
+professional to help them off.
+
+Horses in this country are fed mostly on “gram,” _cicer arietinum_, a
+kind of pea, which, when split, forms _dall_, and can be made into a most
+nutritious and palatable curry.  The _Ghorawalla_ recognises this fact.
+If he is modest, you may be none the wiser, perhaps none the worse; but
+if he is not, then his horse will grow lean, while he grows stout.  How
+to obviate this result is indeed the main problem which the syce
+presents, and many are the ways in vogue of trying to solve it.  One way
+is to have the horse fed in your presence, you doing butler and watching
+him feed.  Another is to play upon the caste feelings of the syce,
+defiling the horse’s food in some way.  I believe the editor of the
+_Aryan Trumpet_ considers this a violation of the Queen’s proclamation,
+and, in any case, it is a futile device.  It may work with the haughty
+_Purdaisee_, but suppose your _Ghorawalla_ is a _Mahar_, whose caste is a
+good way below that of his horse?  I have nothing to do with any of these
+devices.  I establish a compact with my man, the unwritten conditions of
+which are, that I pay him his wages, and supply a proper quantity of
+provender, while he, on his part, must see that his horse is always fat
+enough to work, and himself lean enough to run.  If he cannot do this, I
+propose to find someone who can.  Once he comes to a clear understanding
+of this treaty, and especially of its last clause, he will give little
+trouble.  As some atonement for worrying you so much about the
+accoutrements, the _Ghorawalla_ is very careful not to disturb you about
+the horse.  If the saddle galls it, or its hoof cracks, he suppresses the
+fact, and experiments upon the ailment with his own “vernacular
+medicines,” as the Baboo called them.  When these fail, and the case is
+almost past cure, he mentions it casually, as an unfortunate circumstance
+which has come to his notice.  There are a few things, only a few, which
+make me feel homicidal, and this is one of them.
+
+I cannot find the bright side of the syce: perhaps I am not in a humour
+to see it.  Looking back down a long avenue of Gunnoos, Tookarams,
+Raghoos, Mahadoos and others whose names even have grown dim, I discern
+only a monotony of provocation.  The fine figure of old Bindaram stands
+out as an exception, but then he was a coachman, and the coachman is to
+the _Ghorawalla_, what cream is to skim milk.  The unmitigated
+_Ghorawalla_ is a sore disease, one of those forms of suffering which
+raise the question whether our modern civilization is anything but a
+great spider, spinning a web of wants and their accompanying worries over
+the world and entangling us all, that it may suck our life-blood out.  In
+justice I will admit that, as a runner, the thoroughbred Mahratta
+_Ghorawalla_ has no peer in the animal kingdom.  A sporting friend and I
+once engaged in a steeple-chase with two of them.  I was mounted on a
+great Cape horse, my friend on a wiry countrybred, and the men on their
+own proper legs, curious looking limbs without any flesh on them, only
+shiny black leather stretched over bones.  The goal was _bakshees_,
+twelve miles away.  The ground at first favoured them, consisting of rice
+fields, along the _bunds_ of which they ran like cats on a wall.  Then we
+came to more open country and got well ahead, but at the last mile they
+put on the most splendid spurt I ever saw, and won by a hundred lengths.
+
+It is also only justice to say that we do not give the _Ghorawalla_ fair
+play.  We artificialise him, dress him according to our tastes, conform
+him to our notions, cramp his ingenuity, and quench his affections.  The
+_Ghorawalla_ in his native state is no more like our domesticated Pandoo
+than the wild ass of Cutch is like the costermonger’s moke.  We will have
+him like our own saddlery, plain and businesslike, but he is by nature
+like his national horse gear, ornamental, and if you let him alone, will
+effloresce in a red _fez_ cap, with tassel, and a waistcoat of green
+baize.  In such a guise he feels worthy to tend a piebald horse,
+caparisoned in crimson silk, with a tight martingale of red and yellow
+cord.  He can take an interest in such a horse, and will himself educate
+it to walk on its hind legs and paw the air with its forefeet, or to
+progress at a royal amble, lifting both feet on one side at the same
+time, so that its body moves as steadily as if on wheels, and, to use the
+expressive language of a Brahmin friend of mine, the water in your
+stomach is not shaken.  He will feed it with balls of _ghee_ and
+_jagree_, that it may become rotund and sleek, he will shampoo its legs
+after hard work, and address it as “my son.”  If it is disobedient, he
+will chastise it by plunging his knee into his stomach, and if it acquits
+itself well, he will plait its mane and dye the tip of its tail magenta.
+This loving relationship between him and his beast extends even to
+religion, and the horse enjoys the Hindoo festivals.  During the Dussera
+it does not work, but comes to the door, festooned with garlands of
+marigold, and expects a rupee.
+
+The coachman is to the _Ghorawalla_ what cream is to skim milk, that is
+if you consider his substance.  As regards his art he is a foreign
+product altogether, and I take little interest in him.  There is an
+indigenous art of driving in this country, the driving of the bullock,
+but that is a great subject.
+
+                 [Picture: Man and woman with Ghorawalla]
+
+
+
+
+BOOTLAIR SAHEB—_ANGLICÈ_, THE BUTLER.
+
+
+[Picture: The Bootlair saheb] SOME dogs, when they hear a fiddle, are
+forced to turn over on their backs and howl; some are unmoved by music.
+So some men are tortured by every violation of symmetry, while some
+cannot discern a straight line.  I belong to the former class, and my
+Butler belongs to the latter.  He _would_ lay the table in a way which
+almost gave me a crick in neck, and certainly dislocated my temper, and
+he would not see that there was anything wrong.  I reasoned with him, for
+he is an intelligent man.  I pointed out to him, in his own vernacular,
+that the knives and forks were not parallel, that the four dishes formed
+a trapezium, and that the cruet, taken with any two of the salt cellars,
+made a scalene triangle; in short, that there was not one parallelogram,
+or other regular figure, on the table.  At last a gleam of light passed
+over his countenance.  Yes, he understood it all; it was very simple;
+henceforth I should find everything straight.  And here is the result!
+He has arranged everything with the utmost regularity, guiding himself by
+the creases in the tablecloth; but, unfortunately, he began by laying the
+cloth itself slantwise; consequently, I find myself with my back to one
+corner of the room and my face to another, and cannot get rid of the
+feeling that everything on the table is slightly the worse for liquor.
+And the Butler is in despair.  What on earth, he thinks, can be wrong
+now?  He evidently gives it up, and so do I.
+
+I have already treated of the Boy, and to devote another chapter to the
+Butler may seem like making a distinction where there is no difference;
+but there is in reality a radical difference between the two offices,
+which is this, that your Boy looks after you, whereas your Butler looks
+after the other servants, and you look after him; at least, I hope you
+do.  From this it follows that the Boy flourishes only in the free
+atmosphere of bachelordom.  If master marries, the Boy sometimes becomes
+a Butler, but I have generally seen that the change was fatal to him.  He
+feels a share at first in master’s happiness on the auspicious occasion,
+and begins to fit on his new dignity.  He provides himself with a more
+magnificent _cumberbund_, enlarges the border of gold thread on his
+puggree, and furbishes up his English that he may converse pleasantly
+with _mem saheb_.  He orders about the other servants with a fuller voice
+than before, and when anyone calls for a chair, he no longer brings one
+himself, but commands the _hamal_ to do so.  He feels supremely happy!
+Alas! before the _mem saheb_ has been many weeks in the house, the change
+of air begins to disagree with him—not with his body, but with his
+spirit, and though he may bear up against it for a time, he sooner or
+later asks leave to go to his country.  His new mistress is nothing loth
+to be rid of him, nor master either, for even his countenance is changed;
+and so the Butler’s brief reign comes to an end, and he departs,
+deploring the unhappy match his master has made.  Why could not so
+liberal and large-minded a _saheb_ remain unmarried, and continue to cast
+the shadow of his benevolence on those who were so happy as to eat his
+salt, instead of taking to himself a _madam_, under whom there is no
+peace night or day?  As he sits with his unemployed friends seeking the
+consolation of the never-failing _beeree_, the ex-butler narrates her
+ladyship’s cantankerous ways, how she eternally fidgeted over a little
+harmless dust about the corners of the furniture, as if it was not the
+nature of dust to settle on furniture; how she would have window panes
+washed which had never been washed before; her meanness in inquiring
+about the consumption of oil and milk and firewood, matters which the
+_saheb_ had never stooped to look into; and her unworthy and insulting
+practice of locking up stores, and doling them out day by day, not to
+mention having the cow milked in her presence: all which made him so
+ashamed in the presence of the other servants that his life became
+bitter, and he was forced to ask for his _ruzza_.
+
+Lalla, sitting next to him, remarks that no doubt one person is of one
+disposition and another of another disposition.  “If it had been my
+destiny to remain in the service of Colonel Balloonpeel, all my days
+would have passed in peace; but he went to England when he got his
+_pencil_.  Who can describe the calmness and goodness of his _madam_.
+She never asked a question.  She put the keys in the Butler’s hand, and
+if he asked for money she gave it.  But one person is of one disposition
+and another is of another disposition.”
+
+“That is true,” replies the ex-butler, “but the _sahebs_ are better than
+the _mem sahebs_.  The _sahebs_ are hot and get angry sometimes, but
+under them a man can live and eat a mouthful of bread.  With the _mem
+sahebs_ it is nothing but worry, worry, worry.  Why is this so dirty?
+Who broke that plate?  When was that glass cracked?  Alas! why do the
+_sahebs_ marry such women?”
+
+Old Ramjee then withdraws his _beeree_ from his mouth and sheds light on
+the subject.  “You see, in England there are very few women, for which
+reason it is that so many _sahebs_ remain unmarried.  So when a _saheb_
+goes home to his country for a wife, he must take what he can get.”
+
+“It is a question of destiny,” says Lalla, “with them and with us.  My
+first wife, who can tell how meek she was?  She never opened her mouth.
+My present wife is such a _sheitan_ that a man cannot live under the same
+roof with her.  I have sent her to her country ten times, but what is the
+use?  Will she stay there?  The flavour has all gone out of my life.”
+
+                   [Picture: A plot against the butler]
+
+And they all make noises expressive of sympathy.
+
+The Butler being commander-in-chief of the household forces, I find one
+quality to be indispensable in him, and that is what the natives call
+_hookoomut_, the faculty of so commanding that other men obey.  He has to
+control a sneaking _mussaul_, an obstinate _hamal_, a quarrelsome, or
+perhaps a drunken cook, a wicked dog-boy, a proud coachman, and a few
+turbulent _ghorawallas_, while he must conciliate, or outwit, the
+opposition headed by the _ayah_.  If he cannot do this there will be
+factions, seditions, open mutiny, ending in appeals to you, to which if
+you give ear, you will foster all manner of intrigue, and put a premium
+on lies and hypocrisy; and it will be strange if you do not end by
+punishing the innocent and filling the guilty with unholy joy.  In this
+country there is only one way of dealing with the squabbles of domestics
+and dependents, and that is the method of Gallio, who was a great man.
+
+Besides the general responsibilities of his position as C.-in-C., the
+Butler has certain specific duties, such as to stand with arms folded
+behind you at meal time, to clean the silver, and to go to the bazaar in
+the morning.  The last seems to be quite as much a prerogative as a duty,
+and the cook wants to go to law about it, regarding the Butler as an
+unlawful usurper.  He asserts his claim by spoiling the meat which the
+Butler brings.  Of course, there must be some reason why this duty, or
+privilege, is so highly valued, and no doubt that reason is connected
+with the great Oriental principle, that of everything a man handles or
+controls, somewhat should adhere to his palm; but if you ask how this
+principle is applied or worked out, I can only reply that that is a
+matter on which I believe not one of us has any information, though for
+the most part we hold very emphatic opinions on the subject.  I am quite
+certain that it may be laid down for a general rule that the Butler
+prefers indirect to direct taxation.  He certainly would not reduce salt
+and customs duties to pave the way for an income tax.  Neither would a
+Viceroy, perhaps, if he had to stay and reap the fruit of his works,
+instead of leaving that to his successor—but that is political reflection
+which has no business here.  The Butler, I say, wisely prefers indirect
+taxation and prospers.  How, then, are you to checkmate him?  Don’t!  A
+wise man never attempts what cannot be accomplished.  I work on the
+assumption that my Butler is, like Brutus, an honourable man, treating
+him with consideration, and fostering his self-respect, even at the cost,
+perhaps, of a little hypocrisy.  It is a gracious form of hypocrisy, and
+one that often justifies itself in the end, for the man tends to become
+what you assume that he is.  For myself, I confess that I yield to the
+butler’s claim to go to market, albeit I am assured that he derives
+unjust advantages therefrom, more easily than I reconcile myself to that
+other privilege of standing, with arms folded, behind me while I
+breakfast, or tiffin, or dine.  I can endure the suspicion that he is
+growing rich while I am growing poor, but that argus supervision over my
+necessary food is like a canker, and his indefatigable attentiveness
+would ruin the healthiest appetite.  After removing the cover from the
+“beefysteak” and raising one end of the dish that I may get at the gravy
+more easily, he offers me potatoes, and I try to overcome an instinctive
+repugnance to the large and mealy tuber under which he has adjusted the
+spoon in order to lighten my labour.  After the potatoes there are
+vegetables.  Then he moves the salt a little nearer me and I help myself.
+Next he presses the cruet-stand on my attention, putting the spoon into
+the mustard pot and taking the stopper out of the sauce bottle.  I submit
+in the hope that I may now be allowed to begin; but he has salad or
+tomatoes or something else requiring attention.  I submit once more and
+then assume my knife and fork.  He watches his opportunity and insinuates
+a pickle bottle, holding the fork in his right hand.  I feel that it is
+time to make a stand, so I give him one unspeakable look and proceed with
+my meal, whereupon he retreats and I breathe a little more freely.  But
+no; he is at my left hand again with bread.  To do him justice, he is
+quite willing to save me annoyance by impaling a slice on the knife and
+transferring it to my plate, but I prefer to help myself, which
+encourages him to return to the charge with butter and then jam.  This
+looks like the end, but his resources are infinite.  His eye falls on the
+sugar basin standing beside my teacup, and he immediately takes it up
+and, coming round to my left side, holds it to my nose.  All this time
+sit I, like Tantalus, with the savoriest of Domingo’s “beefysteaks”
+before me and am not allowed to taste it.  But I know that in every
+operation he is animated by an exalted sense of blended duty and
+prerogative, and if I could really open his mind to the thought that the
+least of his attentions was dispensable, his whole nature would be
+demoralized at once; so I endure and grow lean.  Another thing which
+works towards the same result is a practice that he has of studying my
+tastes, and when he thinks he has detected a preference for a particular
+dish, plying me with that until the very sight of it becomes nauseous.
+At one time he fed me with “broon custard” pudding for about six months,
+until in desperation I interdicted that preparation for evermore, and he
+fell back upon “lemol custard.”  Thus my luxuries are cut off one after
+another and there is little left that I can eat.
+
+[Picture: Curry and rice] Our grandfathers used to have Parsee butlers in
+tall hats to wait upon them, but that race is now extinct.  The Butler on
+this side of India is now a Goanese, or a Soortee, or, more rarely, a
+Mussulman.  Each of these has, doubtless, his own characteristics; but
+have you ever stepped back a few paces and contemplated, not your own or
+anyone else’s individual servant, but the entire phenomenon of an Indian
+Butler?  Here is a man whose food by nature is curry and rice, before a
+hillock of which he sits cross-legged, and putting his five fingers into
+it, makes a large bolus, which he pushes into his mouth.  He repeats this
+till all is gone, and then he sleeps like a boa-constrictor until he
+recovers his activity; or else he feeds on great flat cakes of wheat
+flour, off which he rends jagged-pieces and lubricates them with some
+spicy and unctuous gravy.  All our ways of life, our meats and drinks,
+and all our notions of propriety and fitness in connection with the
+complicated business of appeasing our hunger as becomes our station, all
+these are a foreign land to him: yet he has made himself altogether at
+home in them.  He has a sound practical knowledge of all our viands,
+their substance, and the mode of their preparation, their qualities,
+relationships and harmonies, and the exact place they hold in our great
+cenatorial system.  He knows all liquors also by name, with their places
+and times of appearing.  And he is as great in action as in knowledge.
+When he takes the command of a _burra khana_ he is a Wellington.  He
+plans with foresight, and executes with fortitude and self-reliance.  See
+him marshal his own troops and his auxiliary butlers while he carves and
+dispenses the joint!  Then he puts himself at their head and invades the
+dining-room.  He meets with reverses;—the claret-jug collides with a dish
+in full sail and sheds its contents on his white coat; the punkah rope
+catches his turban and tosses it into a lady’s lap, exposing his
+curiously shaven head to the public merriment; but, though disconcerted,
+he is not defeated.  He never forgets his position or loses sight of his
+dignity.  His mistress discusses him with such wit as may be at her
+command, and he understands but smiles not.  When the action is over he
+retires from the field, divests himself of his robes of office and sits
+down, as he was bred to do, before that hillock of curry and rice.
+
+Even good Homer nods, and I confess I am still haunted by the memory of a
+day when my Chief was my guest, and the butler served up red herrings
+neatly done up in—_The Times of India_!
+
+
+
+
+DOMINGO, THE COOK.
+
+
+[Picture: The cook] I DO not remember who was the author of the
+observation that a great nation in a state of decay betakes itself to the
+fine arts.  Perhaps no one has made the observation yet.  It is certainly
+among the records of my brain, but I may possibly have put it there
+myself.  If so, I make it now, for the possibilities of originality are
+getting scarce and will soon disappear from the face of the earth as
+completely as the mastodon.  The present application of the saying is to
+the people of Goa, who, while they carry through the world patronymics
+which breathe of conquest and discovery, devote their energies rather to
+the violin and the art of cookery.  The caviller may object to the
+application of the words “fine art” to culinary operations, but the
+objection rests on superficial thought.  A deeper view will show that art
+is in the artist, not in his subject or his materials.  Perusal of the
+Codes of the Financial Department showed me many years ago that the
+retrenchment of my pay and allowances could be elevated to a fine art by
+devotion of spirit, combined with a fine sense of law.  And to Domingo
+the preparation of dinner is indeed a fine art.  Trammel his genius,
+confine him within the limits of what is commonly called a “plain
+dinner,” and he cannot cook.  He stews his meat before putting it into a
+pie, he thickens his custard with flour instead of eggs, he roasts a leg
+of mutton by boiling it first and doing “littlee brown” afterwards; in
+short, what does he not do?  It is true of all his race.  How loathsome
+were Pedro’s mutton chops, and Camilo could not boil potatoes decently
+for a dinner of less than four courses.  But let him loose on a _burra
+khana_, give him _carte blanche_ as to sauces and essences and spicery,
+and all his latent faculties and concealed accomplishments unfold
+themselves like a lotus flower in the morning.  No one could have
+suspected that the shame-faced little man harboured such resources.  If
+he has not always the subtlest perception of the harmonics of flavours,
+what a mastery he shows of strong effects and striking contrasts, what
+fecundity of invention, what a play of fancy in decoration, what manual
+dexterity, what rapidity and certainty in all his operations!  And the
+marvel increases when we consider the simplicity of his implements and
+materials.  His studio is fitted with half a dozen small fireplaces, and
+furnished with an assortment of copper pots, a chopper, two tin
+spoons—but he can do without these,—a ladle made of half a cocoanut shell
+at the end of a stick, and a slab of stone with a stone roller on it;
+also a rickety table; a very gloomy and ominous looking table, whose
+undulating surface is chopped and hacked and scarred, begrimed,
+besmeared, smoked, oiled, stained with juices of many substances.  On
+this table he minces meat, chops onions, rolls pastry and sleeps; a very
+useful table.  In the midst of these he hustles about, putting his face
+at intervals into one of his fires and blowing through a short bamboo
+tube, which is his bellows, such a potent blast that for a moment his
+whole head is enveloped in a cloud of ashes and cinders, which also
+descend copiously on the half-made tart and the _soufflé_ and the
+custard.  Then he takes up an egg, gives it three smart raps with the
+nail of his forefinger, and in half a second the yoke is in one vessel
+and the white in another.  The fingers of his left hand are his strainer.
+Every second or third egg he tosses aside, having detected, as it passed
+through the said strainer that age had rendered it unsuitable for his
+purposes; sometimes he does not detect this.  From eggs he proceeds to
+onions, then he is taking the stones out of raisins, or shelling peas.
+There is a standard English cookery book which commences most of its
+instructions with the formula, “wash your hands carefully, using a nail
+brush.”  Domingo does not observe this ceremony, but he often wipes his
+fingers upon his pantaloons.  It occurs to me, however, that I do not
+wisely pursue this theme; for the mysteries of Domingo’s craft are no fit
+subject for the gratification of an irreverent curiosity.  Those words of
+the poet,
+
+    “Where ignorance is bliss,
+    ’Tis folly to be wise,”
+
+have no truer application.  You will reap the bliss when you sit down to
+the savoury result.
+
+Though Domingo is naturally shy, and does not make a display of his
+attainments, he is a man of education, and is quite prepared, if you wish
+it, to write out his menu.  Here is a sample:—
+
+                                   _Soup_.
+                                 Salary Soup.
+
+                                    _Fis_.
+                                Heel fish fry.
+
+                                  _Madish_.
+                         Russel Pups.  Wormsil mole.
+
+                                   _Joint_.
+                                Roast Bastard.
+
+                                   _Toast_.
+                               Anchovy Poshteg.
+
+                                  _Puddin_.
+                           Billimunj.  Ispunj roli.
+
+I must take this opportunity to record a true story of a menu, though it
+does not properly pertain to Domingo, but an ingenious Ramaswamy, of
+Madras.  This man’s master liked everything very proper, and insisted on
+a written _menu_ at every meal.  One morning Ramaswamy was much
+embarrassed, for the principal dish at breakfast was to be devilled
+turkey.  “Devil very bad word,” he said to himself; “how can write?”  At
+last he solved the difficulty, and the dish appeared as “D—d turkey.”
+
+Our surprise at Domingo’s attainments is no doubt due very much to the
+humble attire in which we are accustomed to see him, his working dress
+being a _quondam_ white cotton jacket and a pair of blue checked
+pantaloons of a strong material made in jails, or two pairs, the sound
+parts of one being arranged to underlie the holes in the other.  When
+once we have seen the gentleman dressed for church on a festival day,
+with the beaver which has descended to him from his illustrious
+grandfather’s benevolent master respectfully held in his hand, and his
+well brushed hair shining with a bountiful allowance of cocoanut
+ointment, surprise ceases.  He is indeed a much respected member of
+society, and enjoys the esteem of his club, where he sometimes takes
+chambers when out of employment.  By his fellow servants, too, he is
+recognised as a professional man, and called The Maistrie, but, like
+ourselves, he is an exile, and, like some of us, he is separated from his
+wife and children, so his thoughts run much upon furlough and ultimate
+retirement, and he adopts a humble style of life with the object of
+saving money.  In this object he succeeds most remarkably.  Little as we
+know of the home life of our Hindoo servants, we know almost less about
+that of Domingo, for he rarely has his family with him.  Is he a fond
+husband and an indulgent father?  I fancy he is when his better nature is
+uppermost, but I am bound to confess that the cardinal vice of his
+character is cruelty, not the passive cruelty of the pure Asiatic, but
+that ferocious cruelty which generally marks an infusion of European
+blood.  The infusion in him has filtered through so many generations that
+it must be very weak indeed, but it shows itself.  When I see an
+emaciated crow with the point of its beak chopped off, so that it cannot
+pick up its food, or another with a tin pot fastened with wire to its
+bleeding nose, I know whose handiwork is there.  Domingo suffers
+grievously from the depredations of crows, and when his chance comes he
+enjoys a savage retribution.  Some allowance must be made for the
+hardening influence of his profession; familiarity with murder makes him
+callous.  When he executes a _moorgee_ he does it in the way of sport,
+and sits, like an ancient Roman, _verso pollice_, enjoying the spectacle
+of its dying struggles.
+
+According to his lights Domingo is a religious man; that is to say, he
+wears a necklace of red beads, eats fish on Fridays, observes festivals
+and holidays, and gives pretty liberally to the church under pressure.
+So he maintains a placid condition of conscience while his monthly
+remittance to Goa exceeds the amount of his salary.  He rises early on
+Sunday morning to go to confession, and I would give something to have
+the place, just one day, of the good father to whom he unbosoms himself.
+But perhaps I am wrong.  I daresay he believes he has nothing to confess.
+
+One story more to teach us to judge charitably of Domingo.  A lady was
+inveighing to a friend against the whole race of Indian cooks as dirty,
+disorderly, and dishonest.  She had managed to secure the services of a
+Chinese cook, and was much pleased with the contrast.  Her friend did not
+altogether agree with her, and was sceptical about the immaculate
+Chinaman.  “Put it to the test,” said the lady; “just let us pay a visit
+to your kitchen, and then come and see mine.”  So they went together.
+What need to describe the _Bobberjee-Khana_?  They glanced round, and
+hurried out, for it was too horrible to be endured long.  When they went
+to the Chinaman’s kitchen, the contrast was indeed striking.  The pots
+and pans shone like silver; the table was positively sweet; everything
+was in its proper place, and Chang himself, sitting on his box, was
+washing his feet in the soup tureen!
+
+
+
+
+THE MUSSAUL, OR MAN OF LAMPS.
+
+
+[Picture: The Mussaul] THE _Mussaul’s_ name is Mukkun, which means
+butter, and of this commodity I believe he absorbs as much as he can
+honestly or dishonestly come by.  How else does the surface of him
+acquire that glossy, oleaginous appearance, as if he would take fire
+easily and burn well?  I wish we could do without him!  The centre of his
+influence, a small room in the suburbs of the dining-room, which he calls
+the _dispence_, or _dispence-khana_, is a place of unwholesome sights and
+noisome odours, which it is good not to visit unless as Hercules visited
+the stables of Augeas.  The instruments of his profession are there, a
+large _handie_ full of very greasy water, with bits of lemon peel and
+fragments of broken victuals swimming in it, and a short, stout stick,
+with a little bunch of foul rag tied to one end of it.  Here the
+_Mussaul_ sits on the ice _numda_ while we have our meals, and as each
+plate returns from the table, he takes charge of it, and transfers to his
+mouth whatever he finds on it, for he is of the _omnivora_, like the
+crow.  Then he seizes his weapon of offence, and, dipping the rag end
+into the _handie_, gives the plate a masterly wipe, and lays it on the
+table upside down, or dries it with a damask table napkin.  The butler
+encourages him for some reason to use up the table napkins in this way.
+I suppose it is because he does not like to waste the _dhobie_ on
+anything before it is properly soiled.  When the _Mussaul_ has disposed
+of the breakfast things in this summary way, he betakes himself to the
+great work of the day, the polishing of the knives.  He first plunges the
+ivory handles into boiling water, and leaves them to steep for a time,
+then he seats himself on the ice again, and, arranging a plank of wood in
+a sloping position, holds it fast with his toes, rubs it well with a
+piece of bath brick, and commences to polish with all the energy which he
+has saved by the neglect of other duties.  Hour after hour the squeaky,
+squeaky, squeaky sound of that board plays upon your nerves, not the
+nerves of the ear, but the nerves of the mind, for there is more in it
+than the ear can convey.  Every sight and every sound in this world comes
+to us inextricably woven into the warp which the mind supplies, and, as
+you listen to that baleful sound, you seem to feel with your finger
+points the back of each good, new knife getting sharper and sharper, and
+to watch its progress as it wears away at the point of greatest pressure,
+until the end of the blade is connected with the rest by a narrow neck,
+which eventually breaks, and the point falls off, leaving the knife in
+that condition so familiar to us all, when the blade, about three inches
+long, ends in a jagged, square point, the handle having, meanwhile,
+acquired a rich orange hue.  Oh, those knives! those knives!
+
+                          [Picture: More light]
+
+Etymologically Mukkun is a man of lamps, and, when he has brushed your
+boots and stowed them away under your bed, putting the left boot on the
+right side and _vice versa_, in order that the toes may point outwards,
+as he considers they should, then he addresses himself to this part of
+his duty.  Old Bombayites can remember the days of cocoanut, when he had
+to begin his operations during the cold season by putting a row of
+bottles out in the sun to melt the frozen oil; but kerosine has changed
+all that, and he has nothing to do but to trim the wick into that
+fork-tailed pattern in which he delights, and which secures the minimum
+of light with the maximum destruction of chimneys, to smear the outside
+of each lamp with his greasy fingers, to conjure away a gallon or so of
+oil, and to meet remonstrance with a child-like query, “Do I drink
+kerosene oil?”  Then he unbends, and gives himself up to a gentle form of
+recreation in which he finds much enjoyment.  This is to perch on a low
+wall or big stone at the garden gate, and watch the carriages and horses
+as they pass by.  Other _Mussauls_, _ghorawallas_, and passing ice
+coolies stop and perch beside him, and sometimes an _ayah_ or two, with a
+perambulator and its weary little occupant, grace the gathering.  I
+suppose the topics of the day are discussed, the chances of a Russian
+invasion, the dearness of rice, and the events which led to the dismissal
+of Mr. Smith’s old _Mussaul_ Canjee.  Then the time for the lighting of
+lamps arrives, and Mukkun returns to his duties.
+
+You might not perhaps suspect it, but Mukkun is a prey to vanity.  The
+pure oily transparency of his Italian complexion commands his admiration,
+and he thinks much of those glossy love-locks which emerge from his
+turban and curl in front of his ears.  Several times a day he goes into
+his room to contemplate himself in a small hand mirror, and to wind up
+the love-locks on his finger.  Poor Mukkun has, indeed, a very human
+side, and the phenomenon which we recognise as our _Mussaul_ is not the
+whole of him.  By birth he is an agriculturist, and there is in the
+environs of Surat a little plot of land and a small dilapidated hut in
+one corner of it, overgrown with monstrous gourds, which he thinks of as
+home, sweet home.  There are his young barbarians all at play, but he,
+their sire, is forced to seek service abroad because, as he practically
+expresses it, the produce of his small field is not sufficient to fill so
+many bellies.  But, wherever he wanders, his heart—for he has a
+heart—flutters about that rickety hut, and as he sits polishing your
+boots of a morning, you may hear him pensively humming to himself:—
+
+    Beatus ille qui, procul negotiis,
+       Ut prisca gens mortalium,
+    Paterna rura bobus exercet suis,
+       Solutus omni fœnore.
+
+He puts a peculiar pathos into the last line, for he is grievously
+haunted by an apparition in the form of an old man with a small red
+turban, gold earrings, and grey beard parted in the middle, who
+flourishes a paper in his face and talks of the debtors’ gaol; and hints
+that he will have the little house and field near Surat.  Mukkun first
+fell into the net of this spider many years ago, when he wanted a few
+hundred rupees to enable him to celebrate the marriage of his little
+child.  He signed a bond for twice the amount he received then, and it
+continues to increase from year to year, though he has paid the principal
+twice over in interest; at least he thinks he has, but he is not a good
+accountant.  Every now and then he is required to sign some fresh
+document, of the contents of which he knows nothing, but the effect of
+which is always the same—_viz._, to heap up his liabilities and rivet his
+fetters more firmly, and punctually on pay day every month, the grim old
+man waylays him and compels him to disgorge his wages, allowing him so
+much grain and spices as will keep him in condition till next pay day.
+In a word, Mukkun is a slave.  Yet he does not jump into the garden well,
+nor his quietus make with a bare bodkin.  No, he plods through life, eats
+his rice and curry with gusto, smokes his cigarette with satisfaction,
+oils his lovelocks, borrows money from the cook to buy a set of silver
+buttons for his waistcoat, and when he tires of them, pawns them to pay
+for a velvet cap on which he has set his heart.  In short, he behaves _à
+la Mukkun_, and no insight is to be had by examining his case through
+English spectacles; but it is our strange infirmity, being the most
+singular people on earth, to regard ourselves as typical of the human
+race, and _ergo_ to conclude that what is good for us cannot be otherwise
+than good for all the world.  Hence many of our anti-tyranny agitations
+and philanthropies, not always beneficial to the subjects of them, and
+also many of our misplaced sympathies.  We see a spider eating a fly, and
+long to crush the spider, while we shed a tear for the fly.  But the
+spider is much the higher animal of the two.  It labours long hours
+laying out a net, and then waits all day for the fruit of its toil.
+Insects are caught and escape again, the net gets broken, and when, after
+many disappointments, the spider secures a fat fly, what advantage does
+it derive?  A meal; just what the fly got by sitting in a pit of manure
+and sipping till it could sip no more.  Doom that fly to the life which
+the spider leads, and it would drown itself in your milk jug on the spot,
+unable to bear up under such a weight of care and toil.  In this parable
+the fly is Mukkun and the spider is Shylock, and my sympathies are not
+wholly given to the former.  I quite admit that Shylock worries him
+cruelly, and if he had not given hostages to fortune, he would abscond
+with a light heart to some distant station where he might forget his old
+debts and contract new ones.  But this is not the alternative before him.
+The alternative is to take care of his money, not to buy things which he
+cannot afford, to do without the silver buttons, and postpone the velvet
+cap, all which would put a strain on his mental and moral constitution,
+under which he would wear out in a week.  He must find some other _modus
+vivendi_ than that.  If he had lived in the world’s infancy, he would
+have sold himself and his family to someone who would have fed him and
+clothed him, and relieved him of the cares of life.  But Britons never,
+never, never shall be slaves, and under our rule Mukkun is forced to
+share that disability; so he attains his end in an indirect way, and
+lives thereafter in such happiness as nature has given him capacity to
+enjoy.  Shylock will neither put him into gaol nor seize his field.  We
+do not send our milch cow to the butcher.  Shylock owns a hundred such as
+he, and much trouble they give him.
+
+Mukkun lives in dread of the devil.  Nothing will induce him to pass at
+night by places where the foul fiend is known to walk, nor will he sleep
+alone without a light.
+
+                     [Picture: In dread of the devil]
+
+
+
+
+THE HAMAL.
+
+
+[Picture: The Hamal] THE _Hamal_ is a creature which gets up very early
+in the morning, before anyone is out of bed, and opens the doors and
+windows with as much noise as may be.  He leaves the hooks unfastened,
+that a _feu-de-joie_ may celebrate the advent of the first gust of wind.
+He drops the lower bolts of the doors, so that they may rake up the
+matting every time they are opened.  Then he proceeds to dust the
+furniture with the duster which hangs over his shoulder.  He does this
+because it is his duty, and with no view to any practical result;
+consequently it never occurs to him to look at what he is doing, and you
+will afterwards find curiously shaped patches of dust which have escaped
+the sweep of his “towal.”  He next turns his attention to the books in
+the bookcase, and we are all familiar with his ravages there.  He is
+usually content to bang them well with his duster, but I refer to high
+days, when he takes each book out and caresses it on both sides,
+replacing it upside down, and putting the different volumes of each work
+on different shelves.  All this he does, not of malice, but simply
+because ’tis his nature to.  He does not disturb the cobwebs on the
+corners of the bookcase, because you never told him to do so.  As he
+moves grunting about the room, the duster falls from his shoulder, and he
+picks it up with his toes to avoid the fatigue of stooping.  When all the
+dusting is done, and the table-covers and ornaments are replaced, then he
+proceeds to shake the carpets and sweep the floor, for it is one of his
+ways, when left to himself, to dust first and sweep after.  Finally he
+disposes of the rubbish which his broom has collected, by stowing it away
+under a cupboard, or pushing it out over the doorstep among the ferns and
+calladiums.
+
+Such is the Hamal in his youth, and as he grows older he gets more so.
+About middle life he sets hard, like plaster of Paris, his senses get
+obfuscated, and a shell appears to form on the outside of his intellect,
+so that access to his understanding becomes very difficult.  Sometimes
+his temper also grows crabbed, and _noli me tangere_ writes itself
+distinctly across the mark of his god on his old brow.  A _Hamal_ in this
+phase is the most impracticable animal in this universe.  When found
+fault with, he never answers back, but he enters on a vigorous
+conversation with himself, which is like a tune on a musical box, for it
+must be allowed to go until it runs itself out; nothing short of smashing
+the instrument will stop it.  How well I remember one veteran of this
+type, from whose colloquies with his own soul I gathered that he had been
+fifty-six years in gentlemen’s service, and never served any but
+gentlemen until he came to me.  He computed his age, I think, at
+seventy-two, and asked leave to attend the funeral of his grandfather.
+Sometimes, happily, the _Hamal’s_ senility takes the direction of
+benevolence.  Who does not know the benign, stupid old man, with his
+snowy whiskers and kindly smile, which seems to grow kindlier with every
+tooth he loses!
+
+                        [Picture: Ooswasty Lukree]
+
+It is a practical question whether you should endure the _Hamal_, or
+address yourself to the task of his reformation, and I am content to make
+myself singular by advocating the latter for two reasons; firstly,
+because he cannot be endured; secondly, because I cherish a fantastic
+faith in his reformability,—at least if you take him in his youth, before
+he has set.  I believe we fail to cure him either because we do not try,
+or because we dismiss him before we succeed.  Another great impediment to
+success in this enterprise is the foolish habit of getting wrathful.  An
+untimely explosion of wrath will generally blow a sensitive Hamal’s wits
+quite out of his own reach, and of course, out of yours; or, if he is of
+the stolid sort, he will set it down as a phenomenon incidental to
+_sahebs_, but without any bearing on the matter in hand, and he will go
+on as before.  Besides, a state of indignation is very detrimental to
+your own command of the language, and if you could in cold blood take
+your “Forbes” and study some of the sentences which you fulminated in
+your ebullitions of anger, you would cease to wonder that the subject of
+them was such an idiot.
+
+    Hum roz roz hookum day,
+    Tum roz roz hookum nay,
+    Ooswasty lukree—(whack, whack)
+
+went home, I have no doubt, but it is the gift of few to be at once so
+luminous and so forcible.  Try handling your _Hamal_ in another way.
+Call him mildly—a mild tone thaws his understanding—and say to him, “Look
+here, my son.  Do you see this gold writing on the backs of these books?
+For what purpose is it?”  He will reply, “Who knows?”  Then you can
+proceed, “That writing is the mark by which you may know the head of any
+book.  Now consider, should a book stand on its head?”  If he replies,
+“How should a book stand on its head?” then you are getting access to his
+intelligence, and may lead him on gradually to the conclusion that,
+whenever he puts a book into the shelves, he should make it stand so that
+the writing on the back of it may be uppermost.  I tell you he will beam
+with intelligence, and rise earlier next morning to put his new learning
+into practice.  After a few days he will forget and relapse into his old
+ways, but you must have patience.
+
+After all, I think we could put up with the _Hamal_ if only he would not
+try to think.  This is his crowning vice.  In vain I try to impress upon
+him that I engaged him to obey orders, and would rather do the thinking
+myself.  Every now and then, at some particular phase of the moon, he
+sets his intellect in operations and the consequences are, as the Brahmin
+boy described the result of his examination, “appalling.”  It was our
+_Hamal’s_ duty to fill the filter, and at a time when the water was very
+bad, orders were given that it should be boiled before being filtered.
+One day, my wife saw the _Hamal_ in the act of filling the filter, and it
+occurred to her to warn him to let the water cool first, lest he might
+crack the filter.  “Oh yes,” said he, “I thought of that.  After boiling
+the water, I cool it down by mixing an equal quantity of cold water with
+it, and then I put it into the filter.”
+
+In Bombay, since hard times set in, the offices of _Hamal_ and _mussaul_
+have got a little mixed, and a man will show you characters testifying
+that he has served in both capacities.  Such a man is, properly speaking,
+simply a _mussaul_ who has tried to do the _Hamal’s_ work.  The cleaner
+of furniture and the lighter of lamps and washer of plates and dishes
+cannot change places or be combined.  I have read that the making of one
+English pin employs nine men, but it is a vain boast.  The rudiments of
+division of labour are not understood in Europe.  In this country every
+trade is a breed.  Rama is by birth a cleaner of furniture.  This kind of
+employment came into the country with our rule, so that the domestic
+_Hamal_, who is an offshoot of the _palkee hamal_, or “bearer,” has not
+had time to become what fanciers would call a permanent strain, and you
+will find that you can convert Rama into a _chupprasse_, a _malee_, or
+even a _ghorawalla_, but into a _mussaul_ never.  He is a _shoodra_,
+sprung from the feet of Brahma, and the Brahman, who sprung from the head
+of the same figure, despises him, but not with that depth of contempt
+with which he himself despises the _mussaul_, who is an outcast, and
+sprang from nowhere in particular.  He cannot conceive that thirty
+generations of washing could purify the descendants of Mukkun so that he
+might touch them and not be unclean.  You, his master, rank theoretically
+with Mukkun, and he will neither touch your meats nor the plate off which
+you have eaten them.  He will keep your house clean, and even perform
+some personal services, for he has a liberal mind, and is there not also
+a _toolsee_ plant in a pot on a kind of earthen altar in front of his
+hut, before which he performs purificatory ceremonies every morning?  And
+does he not bathe after leaving your presence before he eats?  If you
+pass by the clean place where he is about to cook his food in the
+morning, you will see a large pot of water on the fire.  When this gets
+warm—for Rama is not a Spartan—he will stand on a smooth stone, as
+sparingly clad as it is possible to be, and pour the water on his head,
+polishing himself vigorously as it runs down his limbs; then, after
+dressing his long hair and tying it in a knot on the top of his head, he
+will sit down to eat, in a place by himself, with the feeling that he has
+warded off defilement from that which goeth in at his mouth.  That which
+goeth out of his mouth gives him no concern.
+
+                         [Picture: Purification]
+
+
+
+
+THE BODY-GUARDS.
+
+
+[Picture: The body-guard] OUR _Chupprassees_ are the outward expression
+of our authority, and the metre-gauge of our importance.  By them the
+untutored mind of the poor Indian is enabled to estimate the amount of
+reverence due to each of us.  This is the first purpose for which we are
+provided with Chupprassees.  The second is that they may deliver our
+commands, post our letters, and escort the coming generation of
+Government servants in their little perambulators.  As the number
+required for the first purpose usually far exceeds the number required
+for the second, there is danger of Satan finding mischief for their idle
+hands to do, and it becomes our duty to ward off this danger by occupying
+their hands with something which is not mischief.  This we do faithfully,
+and the _Chupprassee_ always reminds me of those tools we see advertised,
+which combine hammer, pincers, turnscrew, chisel, foot-rule, hatchet,
+file, toothpick, and life preserver.  Mrs. Smart bewailed the bygone day
+when every servant in her house was a Government _Chupprassee_ except the
+_khansamah_ and a Portuguese _ayah_.  I did not live in that day, but in
+my own I have seen the _Chupprassee_ discharge many functions.  He is an
+expert _shikaree_, sometimes a good tailor or barber, not a bad cook at a
+pinch, a handy table boy, and, above all an unequalled child’s servant.
+There can be little doubt, it the truth were told, that Little Henry’s
+bearer was a _Chupprassee_.  He also milks the cow, waters the garden,
+catches butterflies, skins birds, blows eggs, and runs after tennis
+balls.  If you ask himself what his duties are, he will reply promptly
+that it is his duty to wear the sircar’s belt and to “be present.”  And
+the camel is not more wonderfully fitted for the desert than is Luxumon
+for the discharge of these solemn responsibilities.  He is like a
+carriage clock, able to sleep in any conceivable position; and such is
+his mental constitution that, when not sleeping, he is able to “be
+present” hour after hour without feeling any desire for change of
+occupation.  _Ennui_ never troubles him, time never hangs heavy on his
+hands; he sits as patiently as a cow and chews the cud of _pan suparee_,
+and he bespatters the walls with a sanguinary pigment produced by the
+mastication of the same.  He needs no food, but he goes out to drink
+water thirty-five times a day, and, when he returns refreshed, a certain
+acrid odour penetrates every crevice of the house, almost dislodging the
+rats and exterminating the lesser vermin.  To liken it to the smell of
+tobacco would give civilized mankind a claim against me for defamation of
+character.
+
+                 [Picture: An unequalled child’s servant]
+
+I will sketch my ideal of a model _Chupprassee_.  He is a follower of the
+Prophet, for your Gentoo has too many superstitions and scruples to be
+generally useful.  He parts his short black beard in the middle and
+brushes it up his cheek on either side, the ends of his moustache are
+trimly curled, he wears his turban a little on one side, carries himself
+like a soldier, and is always scrupulously clean.  He comes into your
+presence with a salutation which expresses his own dignity, while it
+respects yours.  He wishes to know whether the protector of the poor has
+any commands for his slave.  When you intimate your wishes he responds
+with a formula which is the same for all occasions—“Your Lordship’s
+commands shall be executed.”  And they are executed.  If he knows of
+difficulties or impossibilities, he keeps them to himself.  Alas! this is
+an ideal, how antipodal sometimes to the real!  I am thinking of the
+gigantic Sheikh Mahomed, with his terrible beard and womanly voice, who
+would convey my commands to a menial of lower degree and return in five
+minutes to detail the objections which that person had raised.  Another
+type of Mahomedan _Chupprassee_, whom we see is to abhor, expresses his
+opinion of himself by letting half a yard of rag hang down from his
+turban behind.  He calls himself a _Syed_ and, perhaps, on account of the
+sanctity implied in this, forbears to wash himself or his clothes.  This
+man is clever, officious, familiar, servile, and very fond of the
+position of umbrella-bearer in ordinary to your person: therefore,
+transfer him to the personal staff of some native dignitary, where he
+will be appreciated.  If my model does not suit you, there are many types
+to choose from.  We have the lofty and sonorous _Purdaisee_, the
+_Rajpoot_, son of kings, the _Bhundaree_, or hereditary climber of palm
+trees, the Israelite, the low caste, useful, intelligent _Mahar_, and
+many more.  Even the Brahmin in this iron age becomes a _Chupprassee_.
+But three-fourths of all our belted satellites come from one little
+district south of Bombay, known to our fathers as Rutnagherry,
+re-christened Ratnagiri by the Hon. W. W. Hunter, C.I.E., A.B.C., D.E.F.,
+etc.  Every country has its own special products; the Malabar Coast sends
+us cocoanuts and pepper; artichokes come from Jerusalem; ducks, lace,
+cooks, and fiddlers from Goa.  So Rutnagherry produces pineapples and
+Mahrattas, and the Mahrattas do not eat the pineapples.  Till quite
+recently they employed themselves exterminating each other, burning each
+other’s villages and crops, and inventing new ways of torturing old men
+to make them confess where their money was buried.  We have stopped these
+practices without stopping the religious arrangements for keeping up the
+supply of the race; so the Mahratta marries, as in duty bound, and
+multiplies, and then casts about for some way of maintaining his growing
+family; and our _Chupprassee_ system, looked at politically, is a grand
+escape pipe.  Pandurang Huree gives the Mahrattas the palm, as liars,
+over all the other races of India.  He may be right, but where excellence
+is so universal, comparison becomes doubly odious.  Some Mahrattas put
+_rao_ after their names and treat themselves with much respect,
+especially if they can grow a little island of whisker on each cheek and
+run the moustache into it.  These men differ from common Mahrattas in the
+same way as Mr. Wilberforce Jones, or Mr. Palmerston Smith, differs from
+the ordinary run of Joneses and Smiths.
+
+How uniformly does ambition rule us all!  The young _rao_, fired by the
+hope of wearing a belt, makes a bold resolve to leave his father and
+mother, his wife and children, his brothers, their wives and children,
+his uncles, aunts, and cousins, and the little hut in which they have all
+lived so happily since he was a little, naked, crawling thing, dressed in
+a silver rupee.  He looks for the last time on the buffalo and the lame
+pariah dog, ties up his cooking pots and a change of raiment in a red
+handkerchief, and starts on foot, amid the howling of females, for the
+great town, a hundred miles away, where the brother-in-law of his
+cousin’s wife’s uncle is on the personal staff of the Collector.  He
+fears that the water of the place may not suit his constitution, but he
+risks that and other unknown perils.  Arriving at his destination, he
+works his interest by quartering himself on his influential connection,
+who, finding that an extra seer of rice has to be boiled for every meal,
+leaves no stone unturned to find employment for him.  First a written
+petition is drawn up by the local petition writer, in the following terms
+“Most Honoured and Respected Sir,—Although I am conscious that my present
+step will apparently be deemed an unjustifiable and unpardonable one,
+tantamounting to a preposterous hardihood in presuming to trespass
+(amidst your multifarious vocations) on your valuable time, yet placing
+implicit reliance on your noble nature and magnanimity of heart, I
+venture to do so, and ardently trust you will pardon me.  Learning that a
+vacancy of a sepoy has occurred under your kind auspices, I beg most
+respectfully to tender my services for the same, and crave your
+permission to invite your benign attention to the episodes of my
+chequered life, though of a doleful and sombre nature, and
+_concatenation_ of melancholy events that have made their visitations.
+My eldest brother died one year since, leaving an heritage of a relict
+and two female issues to bemoan and lament his premature and irreparable
+loss.  And two months since my revered parent paid debt of nature, at 2
+p.m. on 15th February, A.D. 18–, thus leaving the entire burden of 13
+(thirteen) souls on my individual shoulders, which, in my present and
+forlorn circumferences, I am unable to cope with.  I, therefore, throw
+myself on your benevolent clemency and humane consideration, and implore
+you to confer the vacancy in question which will enable me to meet the
+daily unavoidable returning requisites of domestic life in all their
+varied ramifications, and relieve a famishing family from the jaws of
+penury and privation.  By thus delivering me from an impending
+impossibility most prejudicial to my purse resources, you will confer on
+your humble servant a boon which will be always vivid on the tablet of my
+breast, never to be effaced until the period that I am sojurning on the
+stage of this sublunary world’s theatre.”  The petition goes on to
+explain that all the unhappy petitioner’s efforts to earn an honest
+livelihood by the perspiration of his brow have been frustrated owing to
+the sins committed by his soul in a former birth, and ends with religious
+reflections and prayers.  While this is presented to the Collector, the
+candidate stands under a tree at some distance and rehearses, with
+palpitating heart, the _salaam_ he will make if admitted to the august
+presence.  Life and death seem to hang on the impression which may be
+produced by that _salaam_.  But the cousin’s wife’s uncle’s
+brother-in-law sets other machinery in motion.  He humbles himself and
+makes up an old quarrel with the Naik; he flatters the butler till that
+great man is pleased and promises his influence; and he wins the
+Sheristedar’s vote by telling him earnestly that all the district knows
+he is virtually the Collector and whatever he recommends is done.  Nor is
+the _ayah_ forgotten, for the _ayah_ has access to the _madam_, and by
+that route certain shameful matters affecting a rival candidate will
+reach the _saheb_.  Now, supposing that the sins of a former birth fail
+to checkmate all these machinations, and that the new arrival actually
+finds himself swimming in the unfathomed bliss of a belt with a brass
+plate, and a princely income of seven Queen’s rupees every month, who
+could foretell that almost before a year has passed he will again be
+floundering in the mire of disappointed ambition?  Yet so it is.  He
+hears of another _Chupprassee_ with only eleven months’ service against
+his twelve, who has been promoted to eight rupees, and immediately the
+canker of discontent eats into his heart.  Later on he finds that the cup
+of his happiness will never be quite full until he gets ten rupees a
+month, and when he has reached that giddy height, he will see dawning on
+his horizon the strange and beautiful hope that he may be a Naik.  It is
+a desperate ambition—
+
+    “He who ascends to mountain tops shall find
+    The highest peaks most wrapped in clouds and snow;
+    He who surpasses or subdues mankind
+    Must look down on the hate of those below.”
+
+Subordinate _Chupprassees_ will slight his authority, his fellow Naiks
+will disparage him, disappointed rivals will send in anonymous petitions
+accusing him of all manner of villanies of which he is not guilty, and,
+worse still, revealing the little briberies and oppressions of which he
+is not innocent.  But who of us learns wisdom in these matters?  The Naik
+soon comes to feel that if justice were done to merit, he would be a
+Havildar.  After he has attained that proud distinction, he retires to
+“husband out life’s taper at its close” in the same old hut, amidst the
+same conglomerate of relations, but nephews and nieces, and grandchildren
+have taken the place of uncles and aunts and parents.  The buffalo and
+the pariah dog are apparently the same.  Then the whole range of official
+machinery is put in motion to reward his long and faithful services, and
+the Governor in Council grants him the maximum pension of four rupees a
+month, subject to the approval of the Viceroy, and he spends his few
+remaining days in gratitude to the Sircar.  But one thing rankles in his
+mind.  Babajee, not nearly so good-looking a fellow as himself, rose to
+be a Jemadar.
+
+[Picture: Jemadar] Ambition has, however, another more golden career for
+an enterprising and ingenious _Chupprassee_; for is he not the portal
+through which the humble petitioner may have access to the Collector,
+whose smile is prosperity and his frown destruction?  And must not the
+hinges of the portal be oiled that they may open smoothly?  Therefore,
+the inimitable Sir Ali Baba made a point of dismissing a _Chupprassee_
+whenever he began to grow fat, and he was wise, but in applying the rule
+you must have regard to the man’s rank.  The belt of an ordinary peon may
+range from twenty to thirty inches according to length of service,
+promotion to a Naik’s position will add about three inches, a Havildar
+will run to thirty-six or thirty-seven, and a Jemadar must have something
+crabbed in his disposition if he does not attain to forty-two inches.
+These are normal measurements,—they consistent with strict integrity as
+understood in the East.  By the blessing of good temper and an easy life
+they may be slightly exceeded, but the itching palm brings on a kind of
+dropsy easily recognisable to the practised eye.  I have seen an unjust
+Jemadar who might have walked with Sir John Falstaff.
+
+    Falstaff: My honest lads, I will tell you what I am about.
+
+    Pistol: Two yards, and more.
+
+
+
+
+THAT DHOBIE!
+
+
+[Picture: The Dhobie] I AM an amateur philosopher and amuse myself
+detecting essence beneath semblance and tracing the same principle
+running through things the outward aspect of which is widely different.
+I have studied the _Dhobie_ in this spirit and find him to be nothing
+else than an example of the abnormal development, under favourable
+conditions, of a disposition which is not only common to humanity, but
+pervades the whole animal kingdom.  A puppy rending slippers, a child
+tearing up its picture books, a mungoose killing twenty chickens to feed
+on one, a freethinker demolishing ancient superstitions, what are they
+all but _Dhobies_ in embryo?  Destruction is so much easier than
+construction, and so much more rapid and abundant in its visible results,
+that the devastator feels a jubilant joy in his work, of which the tardy
+builder knows nothing.  As the lightning scorns the oak, as the fire
+triumphs over the venerable pile, as the swollen river scoffs at the P.
+W. D., while arch after arch tumbles into its gurgling whirlpools, so the
+_Dhobie_, dashing your cambric and fine linen against the stones,
+shattering a button, fraying a hem, or rending a seam at every stroke,
+feels a triumphant contempt for the miserable creature whose plodding
+needle and thread put the garment together.  This feeling is the germ
+from which the _Dhobie_ has grown.  Day after day he has stood before
+that great black stone and wreaked his rage upon shirt and trowser and
+coat, and coat and trowser and shirt.  Then he has wrung them as if he
+were wringing the necks of poultry, and fixed them on his drying line
+with thorns and spikes, and finally he has taken the battered garments to
+his torture chamber and ploughed them with his iron, longwise and
+crosswise and slantwise, and dropped glowing cinders on their tenderest
+places.  Son has followed father through countless generations in
+cultivating this passion for destruction, until it has become the
+monstrous growth which we see and shudder at in the _Dhobie_.
+
+But I find in him, at least, an illustration of another human infirmity.
+He takes in hand to eradicate the dirt which defiles the garment.  But
+the one is closely mingled with the very fibres of the other, the one is
+impalpable, the other bulky and substantial, and so the torrent of his
+zealous rage unconsciously turns against the very substance of that which
+he set himself lovingly to purge and restore to its primitive purity.
+Indeed, I sometimes find that, while he has successfully wrecked the
+garment, he has overlooked the dirt!  Greater and better men than the
+_Dhobie_ are employed in the same way.
+
+Such are the consolations of philosophy,
+
+    “But there was never yet philosopher
+    Who could endure the toothache patiently,”
+
+much less the _Dhobie_.  He is not tolerable.  Submit to him we must,
+since resistance is futile; but his craven spirit makes submission
+difficult and resignation impossible.  If he had the soul of a conqueror,
+if he wasted you like Attilla, if he flung his iron into the
+clothes-basket and cried _Væ victis_, then a feeling of respect would
+soften the bitterness of the conquered; but he conceals his ravages like
+the white ant, and you are betrayed in the hour of need.  When he comes
+in, limping and groaning under his stupendous bundle, and lays out
+_khamees_, _pyatloon_, and _pjama_, all so fair and decently folded, and
+delivers them by tale in a voice whose monotonous cadence seems to tell
+of some undercurrent of perennial sorrow in his life, who could guess
+what horrors his perfidious heart is privy to?  Next morning, when you
+spring from your tub and shake out the great jail towel which is to wrap
+your shivering person in its warm folds, lo! it yawns from end to end.
+There is nothing but a border, a fringe, left.  You fling on your clothes
+in unusual haste, for it is mail day morning.  The most indispensible of
+them all has scarcely a remnant of a button remaining.  You snatch up
+another which seems in better condition, and scramble into it; but, in
+the course of the day, a cold current of wind, penetrating where it ought
+not, makes you aware of what your friends behind your back have noticed
+for some time, _viz._, that the starch with which a gaping rent had been
+carefully gummed together, that you might not see it, has melted and
+given way.  The thought of these things makes a man feel like Vesuvius on
+the eve of an eruption; but you must wait for relief till _Dhobie_ day
+next week, and then the poltroon has stayed at home, and sent his brother
+to report that he is suffering from a severe stomachache.  When the
+miscreant makes his next appearance in person, he stands on one leg, with
+joined palms and a piteous bleat, and pleads an _alibi_.  He was absent
+about the marriage of a relation, and his brother washed the clothes.  So
+your lava falls back into its crater, or, I am afraid, more often
+overflows the surrounding country.
+
+My theory of the _Dhobie_ is a mere speculation, a hypothesis deduced
+from broad, general principles.  I do not pretend to have established it
+by scientific observation, and am very tolerant towards other theories,
+especially one which is supported by many competent authorities, and
+explains the _Dhobie_ by supposing a league between him, the _dirzee_ and
+the Boy.  I think a close investigation into the natural history of the
+shirt would go far to establish this theory as at least partially true.
+In spite of the spread of “Europe” shops, the shirt is still abundantly
+produced from the vernacular _dirzee_ sitting crossed-legged in the
+verandah, and each shirt will be found to furnish him, on the average,
+with about a week’s lucrative employment.  From his hands it passes to
+the _Dhobie_ and returns with the buttons wanting, the buttonholes
+widened to great gaping fish-mouths, and the hems of the cuffs slightly
+frayed.  The last is the most significant fact, because it leads to the
+discovery of one of those delicate adaptations which the student of
+nature has so often occasion to admire; for, on examination, we discover
+that the hem had been made with the least possible margin of cloth, as if
+to facilitate the process of fraying.  As we know that economy of
+material is not an object with the _dirzee_, it has been maintained that
+there is some connection here.  Next the shirt passes into the hands of
+the Boy, who takes his scissors and carefully pares the ragged edges of
+the cuffs and collar.  A few rotations of _Dhobie_ and Boy reduce the
+cuffs to the breadth of an inch, while the collar becomes a circular saw
+which threatens to take your head off.  Then you fling the shirt to your
+Boy, and the _dirzee_ is in requisition again.  Observation of white
+trousers will lead to similar results.  Between _Dhobie’s_ fury and Boy’s
+repairs, the ends of the legs retreat steadily upwards to your knees, and
+by the time the Boy inherits them they are just his length.  Remember, I
+do not say I believe in this explanation of the _Dhobie_.  I give it for
+what it is worth.  The subject is interesting and practical.
+
+                        [Picture: Homeward bound]
+
+Did you ever open your handkerchief with the suspicion that you had got a
+duster into your pocket by mistake, till the name of De Souza blazoned on
+the corner showed you that you were wearing someone else’s property?  An
+accident of this kind reveals a beneficent branch of the _Dhobie’s_
+business, one in which he comes to the relief of needy respectability.
+Suppose yourself (if you can) to be Mr. Lobo, enjoying the position of
+first violinist in a string band which performs at Parsee weddings and on
+other festive occasions.  _Noblesse oblige_; you cannot evade the
+necessity for clean shirt-fronts, ill able as your precarious income may
+be to meet it.  In these circumstances a _Dhobie_ with good connections
+is what you require.  He finds you in shirts of the best quality at so
+much an evening, and you are saved all risk and outlay of capital; you
+need keep no clothes except a greenish black surtout and pants and an
+effective necktie.  In this way the wealth of the rich helps the want of
+the poor without their feeling it, or knowing it—an excellent
+arrangement.  Sometimes, unfortunately, Mr. Lobo has a few clothes of his
+own, and then, as I have hinted, the _Dhobie_ may exchange them by
+mistake, for he is uneducated and has much to remember; but, if you
+occasionally suffer in this way, you gain in another, for Mr. Lobo’s
+family are skilful with the needle, and I have sent a torn garment to the
+washing which returned skilfully repaired.
+
+                            [Picture: Dhobies]
+
+I suspect I am getting bitter and ironical, and it will be wise to stop,
+for we are fickle creatures, the best of us, and it is quite possible
+that, in the mild twilight of life, in the old country, I shall find
+myself speaking benevolently of the _Dhobie_, and secretly wishing I
+could hear his plaintive monotone again counting out my linen at four
+rupees a hundred.
+
+
+
+
+THE AYAH.
+
+
+                           [Picture: The Ayah]
+
+I WAS roaming among the flower-beds and bowers of a “Peri’s Paradise,”
+known in Bombay as The Ladies Gymkhana, when I was startled by a voice
+like the sound of a passionate cart-wheel screaming for grease.  “Lub ob
+my heart,” it cried, “my eshweet, don’t crei! don’t crei!”  The owner of
+the voice was a woman with a negro type of countenance, as far as I
+remember, but her figure has remained with me better than her face.  It
+was a portly figure, like that of a domestic duck in high condition, and
+her gait was, as Mr. Onoocool Chunder Mookerjee would say, “well
+quadrate” to the figure.  Engulphed in her voluminous embrace was a
+little cherub, with golden curls and blue eyes dewy with passing tears—a
+pretty study of sunshine and shower.  The great, bare arms of the
+pachyderm were loaded with bangles of silver and glass, which jingled
+with a warlike sound as she hugged her little charge and plastered its
+pretty cheeks with great gurgling kisses, which made one shudder and
+think involuntarily of the “slime which the aspic leaves upon the caves
+of Nile.”  Many of us have been Anglo-Indian babies.  Was there a time
+when we suffered caresses such as these?  What a happy thing it is that
+Lethe flows over us as we emerge from infancy, and blots out all that was
+before.  Another question has been stirring in my mind since that scene.
+What feeling or motive prompted those luscious blandishments?  Was it
+simple hypocrisy?  I do not think so.  The pure hypocrite is much rarer
+than shallow people think, and, in any case, there was no inducement to
+make a display in my presence.  What influence could I possibly exercise
+over the fortunes of that great female?  A maternal hippopotamus in the
+Zoo would as soon think of hugging a young giraffe to propitiate the
+spectators.  Of course you may take up the position that the hypocrisy is
+practised all day before her mistress, and that the mere momentum of
+habit carries it on at other times.  This is plausible, but I suspect
+that such a case would rather come under the fundamental law that action
+and reaction are equal and opposite.  Let us be charitable and look for
+better reasons.  The mere milk of human kindness explains something, but
+not enough, and I am inclined to think that the _Ayah_ is the subject of
+an indiscriminate maternal emotion, which runs where it can find a
+channel.  The effect of culture is to specialise our affections and
+remove us further and further from the condition of the hen whose
+philoprogenitiveness embraces all chicks and ducklings; so it may well be
+that the poor _Ayah_, who has not had much culture, is better able than
+you or I to feel promiscuously parental towards babies in general, at
+least, if she can connect them in any way with herself.  Towards babies
+in the care of another _Ayah_ she has no charity; they are the brood of a
+rival hen and she would like to exterminate them.  Again, we must love
+and hate, if we live at all.  The _Ayah’s_ horizon is not wide, her
+sentiments are neither numerous nor complex, and her affections are not
+trained to lay hold of the abstract or the historical.  If you question
+her, you will find that her heart does not bleed for the poor negro, and
+she is not in the habit of regarding the Emperor Caligula with
+abhorrence.  She has one or two brothers or sisters, but they are far
+away and have become almost as historical as Caligula.  In these
+circumstances, if she could not feel motherly towards babies, what
+feeling would be left to her?  And, perhaps, if we knew her story, baby
+has a charm to open up an old channel, long since dry and choked with the
+sands of a desert life, in which a gentle stream of tenderness once
+flowed, with “flowerets of Eden” on its banks, and fertilised her poor
+nature.  But we do not know her story.  She says her husband is a cook.
+More about him she does not say, but she hugs “Sunny Baba” to her breast
+and kisses him and says that nothing shall ever part her from him till he
+grows to be a great _saheb_, with plenty of pay, when he will pension her
+and take care of her in her old age.  And her eyes get moist, for she
+means it more or less; but next day she catches a cold and refuses food,
+saying that all her bones ache and her head is revolving; then the horror
+of dying among strangers, “unhouseled, disappointed, unaneled,” proves
+too much for the faithful creature, and she disappears without notice,
+leaving her darling and its mother to look out for another _Ayah_.
+
+It is a fortunate thing for us that the Ayah is able to conceive such a
+devouring passion for our children, for it appears, from her own
+statements, that but for this strong tie, nothing would induce her to
+stay a day in our service where the constant broils with the other
+servants, into which she is driven by her determination to be faithful to
+her own mistress, make life almost unbearable to a peaceable woman like
+her.  The chief object of her righteous indignation is the “Bootrail.”
+She is so reluctant to make any personal complaint, that she would pass
+over his grudging her a little sugar in her morning tea, but when he
+takes away a whole cupful for his own children, conscience compels her to
+tell her mistress.  She has often pointed out to him that such conduct is
+not right, and tried to reason with him, but he only insults her.  The
+cook, being a notorious inebriate, plays into the “Bootrail’s” hand, on
+condition that the latter will not tell upon him.  Why did master send
+away the dinner last night without touching it?  Because the cook was on
+the floor and the _matie_ had to do the work.  Chh!  Chh!  Chh!  It is
+very shameful and makes her feel so bad.  She herself is a teetotaler, as
+her mistress knows.  That night when she was found with a pillow in her
+arms instead of the baby, singing to it and patting it to sleep, she had
+been smoking an English cheroot which a friend had given her, and, as she
+is accustomed only to country tobacco, it went to her head and stupefied
+her.  Nothing would induce her to drink spirits, but the other servants
+are not like her.  The _mussaul_ is not a bad man, but the “Bootrail’s”
+example infects him too.  He barters the kerosine oil at the petty shop
+round the corner for arrack.  As for the _hamal_, she is tired of
+fighting with him.  From this account of herself you will be able to
+infer that the _Ayah_ is not a favourite with the other servants; but she
+is powerful, and so with oriental prudence they veil their feelings.  The
+butler indeed, tries to be proud and risks ruin, but the _mussaul_
+truckles to her, and the cook, who can spoil her dinner, and has some
+control over her, trims between her and the butler.  The _hamal_ is
+impracticable, and the _chupprassees_ adhere to the party in power for
+the time being.
+
+The _Ayah_ is the “society” newspaper of small stations, and is
+indispensable.  The barber is the general newsagent, and, as we part with
+our beards in the morning, we learn from him all particulars of the
+dinner at the general’s last night, and of the engagement that resulted
+between the pretty Missy Baba and the captain who has been so much about
+the house; also when the marriage is to take place, if the captain can
+get out of his debts, the exact amount of which Old Tom knows.  He can
+tell us, too, the reason why she “jawaubed” him so often, being put up to
+it by her mother in the interests of a rival suitor, and he has authentic
+information as to the real grounds of the mother’s change of tactics.
+But Old Tom is himself dependent on _Ayahs_, and there are matters beyond
+his range, matters which even in an Indian station cannot reach us by any
+male channel.  They trickle from _madam_ to _Ayah_, from _Ayah_ to
+_Ayah_, and from _Ayah_ to _madam_.  Thus they ooze from house to house,
+and we are all saved from judging our neighbours by outward appearances.
+
+That scene in the Ladies’ Gymkhana comes back and haunts me.  What if the
+impress of those swarthy lips on that fair cheek are but an outward
+symbol of impressions on a mind still as fair and pure, impressions which
+soap and water will not purge away!  Yes, it is so.  The _Ayah_ hangs
+like a black cloud over and around the infant mind, and its earliest
+outlooks on the world are tinted by that medium.  It lies with wondering
+blue eyes watching the coloured toys which she dangles before it, and
+takes in the elements of form and colour.  She pats it to sleep, and, on
+the borders of dream-land, those “sphere-born, harmonious sisters, voice
+and verse,” visit it in the form of a plaintive ditty, which has for its
+simple burden,
+
+    Little, little fish
+    In bitter, bitter oil.
+    I will not part with one of them for three pice and a half.
+
+As its mind expands, new mysteries of the universe unfold themselves
+through the same interpreter.  It learns to see through the hollowness of
+promises and threats before it knows the words in which they are framed.
+With the knowledge of words comes the knowledge of their use as means of
+concealing the truth and gaining its little ends.  Then the painful
+experience of discipline and punishment reveals the same motherly figure
+in the new light of a protector and comforter, and it learns to contrast
+her with the stern persons whom she has taught it to call pa-pa and
+ma-ma.  When they refuse anything on which it has set its childish heart,
+it knows to whom to go for sympathy.  She will console it and teach
+little artifices, by which it may evade or circumvent them.  She supplies
+discipline of another kind, however, and the yet simple trusting mind of
+the little Pantheist lives in terror of papa’s red-faced friend with the
+big stomach, who eats up ten or twelve little children every day, and of
+the Borah with the great box full of black ants, in which he shuts up
+naughty boys till the ants pick the flesh from their disobedient bones.
+When it goes to the bandstand, it gazes from a safe distance on the big
+drum, full of boys and girls who would not let their hair be combed: it
+hears their groans at every stroke of the terrible drumstick.  Thus the
+religious side of the tender nature is developed, and _Ayah_ is the
+priestess.  Under the same guidance it will, as it grows older, tread
+paths of knowledge which its parents never trod.  Whither will they lead
+it?  We know not who never joined in the familiar chat of _Ayahs_ and
+servants, but imagination “bodies forth the forms of things unseen” and
+shudders.  Let us rejoice that a merciful superstition, which regards the
+climate of India as deadly to European children, will step in and save
+the little soul.  The climate would do it no harm, but there is a moral
+miasma more baneful than any which rises from the pestilential swamps of
+the Terai, or the Bombay Flats.
+
+[Picture: The Ayah] P. S.—I have just taken another look at our present
+_Ayah_.  She is a little old woman from Goa, with humorous “crow’s feet”
+at the corners of her kind eyes.  She is very retiring and modest, and
+all the servants seem fond of her.  It is evident that nature is various,
+and we cannot all be types.
+
+
+
+
+R. R.  THE PUNDIT.
+
+
+                          [Picture: The Pundit]
+
+THE Pundit is like duty; his cough rouses us from our beds in the morning
+like the voice of conscience.  Why must we pass examinations?  Not that
+we may know the language of the people, for it is matter of daily
+observation, that of all the mysteries which perplex the humble mind of
+the country bumpkin in this land, causing him to scratch his—well, not
+his head—there is none which he gives up as hopeless sooner than the
+strange sounds addressed to him by the young _saheb_ who has just passed
+his higher standard.  He joins his palms in loyal acquiescence, and
+asserts that the gentleman is his father and mother.  It was Swift, was
+it not, who suggested that all high offices of state should be filled by
+lot, because the result would be on the whole quite as satisfactory as
+that obtained by the present system, while disappointed candidates would
+curse Fortune, who has a broader back than the Prime Minister.  No doubt
+examinations were introduced on the same sort of principle, to act as a
+buffer between the train of candidates and the engine of Government.
+That the examination often comes after instead of before the appointment
+is a necessary modification, without which no room would be left for the
+play of those kindly feelings for kith and kin which we bitterly nickname
+nepotism.  Under this arrangement I have known a needy _nepos_ of H. E.
+himself provided with a salary for a whole year, till he could hold the
+examination at bay no longer, when he evacuated his position and
+retreated to his friends.  Whatever the explanation of the matter may be,
+it falls to the lot of most of us to experience the Pundit.  I may remark
+here that he is very commonly called a Moonshee, on the same principle on
+which a horse is not called a cow.  The Pundit is not a Moonshee.  The
+Moonshee is a follower of the Prophet and teaches Oordoo, or
+Hindoostanee, while the Pundit is a Brahmin and instructs you in Marathee
+or Gujarathee.  The Moonshee struggles to get you to disgorge the sound
+_ghain_ and leads you through the enchanted mazes of the Bagh-o-Bahar;
+the Pundit distinguishes between the _kurmunnee_ and the _kurturree
+prayog_, and has many knotty points of mythology to expound, in order
+that you may rightly understand his idioms and appreciate his proverbial
+sayings.  Of Pundits there are three species, quite distinct from each
+other.  The first I would recommend if your object should, by any chance,
+be to learn to speak the language intelligibly; but he knows no English,
+and you must gird yourself to work if you employ him.  This sort of
+teacher does not suit the tastes of the present generation and is dying
+out, I think.  The second kind is invaluable if your purpose is to pass
+an examination.  He knows English well, dresses smartly, and is
+altogether a superior sort of person to the last, especially in his own
+estimation; but appearances are delusive, and the sign that really
+distinguishes him from other Pundits is that he enjoys in a high degree
+the esteem and confidence of a native member of the examining body.
+Another unfailing characteristic of him is that he requires a monstrous
+monthly stipend and the promise of a handsome _douceur_ if you pass; but
+then you have the satisfaction of knowing that, if you fulfil the
+conditions, that happy result is certain.  His system leaves no room for
+failure.  Some people regard this man as a myth, but I have had authentic
+accounts of him from numerous young gentlemen who had failed in their
+examinations simply, as they themselves assured me, because they did not
+employ him.  The third class consists of young men, aspirants to
+University honours and others, with some knowledge of English and a
+laudable desire to improve it by conversation with Englishmen.  I do not
+know for what purpose this sort of Pundit is useful.
+
+Old Ragunath Rao belonged to the first of these three classes.  He knew
+no English, and he desired to know none, neither English words nor
+English thoughts.  He was an undiluted Brahmin.  He had taught a former
+generation of Anglo-Indians, long since retired, or in their graves, and
+one or two of these, who were very religious men, had impressed him by
+their characters so deeply that he always spoke of them with reverence,
+as not men but divinities.  The tide had ebbed away from him, and no one
+employed him now: he was very poor.  His face was heavy, his ears like
+beef-steaks, with a fringe of long bristles round the edge and a bushy
+tuft of the same sprouting from the inside.  His features were not
+pleasing, but strongly expressive of character, stubborn Hindoo
+character, self-disciplined, self-satisfied, and in a set attitude of
+defence against the invasions of novelty.  His athletic intellect was
+exercised in all manner of curious questions.  The only matter about
+which it never concerned itself was reality, the existence of which he
+probably doubted.  At any rate, he considered truth, right, wrong, to be
+subjects for speculative philosophy.  As a practical man, he had minutely
+acquainted himself with all the things that behoved to be believed by an
+orthodox Brahmin, and he was not the man to give way to mere facts.  This
+frame of mind begot in him a large tolerance, for what possible
+connection could there be between what it became him to believe and what
+it became you to believe?  If his son had turned a Christian, he could
+have swung him from a tree by his thumbs and toes and flagellated him
+from below with acute pleasure; but if you expounded Christian doctrines
+and morals to him, he would listen with profound admiration.  A Christian
+who lived up to his creed he respected unfeignedly.  Strange old man!
+like one of his own idols, not modelled upon anything that is in heaven
+or on earth.  Are they not, he and the idol, the fruit of the same tree?
+
+What memories rise out of their graves at the mention of old Ragunath!
+Just about a quarter of an hour after his time he comes slowly up the
+steps, panting for breath, and leaving his shoes at the door, walks in
+with a _quasi_ courtly salutation.  As soon as he can recover his voice,
+he tells of a hair-breadth escape from sudden death.  As he was crossing
+the road, a carriage and pair bore down on him.  He stood petrified with
+terror, not knowing whether to hurry forward or turn back, but just as
+the horses were upon him, he made a frantic effort and gained the
+side-walk!  He infers that his time to die had not arrived, and takes the
+occasion to impart some information about the planets and their influence
+on human destinies.  Then we seat ourselves, and he takes my exercise
+(translation from Grant Duff), and reads it slowly in a muffled voice,
+which is forced to make its exit by the nose, the mouth being occupied
+with cardamoms or betel nut.  As he reads he corrects with a pencil, but
+gives no explanation of his corrections; for you must not expect him to
+teach: he is a mine simply, in which you must dig for what you want.  One
+thing you may depend on, that whatever you extract from that mine will be
+worth having, indigenous treasure, current wherever Hindoo thought is
+moving, very different from the foreign-flavoured pabulum with which your
+English smattering instructor charges his feeding bottle.  The exercise
+gives Ragunath an opportunity of digressing into some traditional
+incident of Maratha history which escaped the researches of Mr. Grant
+Duff, an incident generally in which Maratha cunning (_sagacity_ he calls
+it) triumphed over English stupidity.  After the exercise comes the
+inevitable petition.  I do not remember the subject of it—some grievance
+no doubt connected with hereditary rights in land—but it matters little;
+the whole document might as well be a Moabite stone recording the wars of
+Mesha with Jehoram, for not a letter of it stands out recognisable to my
+eyes.  Indeed, no letter, or word either, stands out at all; the scribe
+seems never to have lifted his pen from his paper except for ink, and
+that generally in the middle of a word.  However, Ragunath takes the
+greasy paper from my hand, remarks that the handwriting is good, and
+starts off reading it, or, I should say, intoning it, on exactly the same
+principle, _viz._, never pausing except for breath, and that generally in
+the middle of a word.  Then we read together the “Garland of Pearls,”
+which he illuminates with notes of his own.  Speaking of old age, he
+remarks that the hair of some men ripens sooner than that of others, but
+that our heads must all grow grey as our brains get thin.  He discourses
+on anatomy, food, digestion, the advisability of lying down on the left
+side for twenty minutes after meals, and on many things in heaven and
+earth which are not dreamed of in our philosophy.  As the morning wears
+on, the old man, who is not accustomed to sitting on chairs, begins to
+fidget, and shows signs of a desire to gather up his feet into the seat
+and nurse them.  At last drowsiness overtakes him.  His eyes are open,
+but his mind is asleep, and I may do as I please with grammar and idiom:
+even when I yawn, he omits to snap his fingers and lets the devil skip
+down my throat.  When he awakes he suggests that it is time to stop, and
+asks leave for the next day, as he has to renew his sacred thread.  Poor
+old Ragunath!  I fear he has gone long since to the burning ground on the
+banks of the Moota Moola.
+
+[Picture: Learned repose] Before we part let me give you a hint.  Always
+keep a separate chair for your Pundit, one isolated on glass legs, if
+possible.  Even this does not afford complete security, for he now and
+then detects one of the many insects which you have watched coursing up
+and down his white scarf, and picking it off with his finger and thumb,
+puts it on the floor.  His creed forbids him to take the life of anything
+which may possibly be the corporeal habitation of the spirit of one of
+his deceased ancestors, but these little insects irritate him, so he
+deports them as we do our loafers.
+
+
+
+
+HURREE, THE DIRZEE.
+
+
+[Picture: Hurree] A WARM altercation is going on in the verandah.  A
+little human animal, with a very large red turban on his little head,
+stuck full of pins and threaded needles, stands on all fours over a
+garment of an unmentionable kind, which I recognise as belonging to me,
+and a piece of cloth lies before him, out of which he has cut a figure
+resembling the said garment.  The scissors with which the operation was
+performed are still lying open upon the ground before him.  His head is
+thrown so far back that the great turban rests between his shoulder
+blades, his brow is corrugated with perplexity, his mouth a little open,
+as if his lower jaw could not quite follow the rest of his upturned face.
+Hurree cannot know much about toothache.  What would I not give for that
+set of incisors, regular as the teeth of a saw, and all as red as a fresh
+brick!  I suppose the current quid of _pan suparee_ is temporarily stowed
+away under that swelling in the left cheek, where the fierce black patch
+of whisker grows.  The survival of a partial cheek pouch in some branches
+of the human race is a point that escaped Darwin.  But I am digressing
+into reflections.  To return: a lady is standing over the quadruped and
+evidently expressing serious displeasure in some form of that domestic
+language which we call Hindoostanee, with variations.  The charge she
+lays against him seems to be that he has, in disregard of explicit
+instructions and defiance of common sense, made a blunder to which her
+whole past experience in India furnishes no parallel, and which has
+resulted in the total destruction of a whole piece of costly material,
+and the wreck of a garment for want of which the _saheb_ (that is myself)
+will be put to a degree of inconvenience which cannot be estimated in
+rupees, and will most certainly be provoked to an outbreak of indignation
+too terrible to be described.  So little do we know ourselves!  I had no
+idea I harboured such a temper.  However, Hurree does not tremble, but
+pleads that it was necessary to make the garment “leetle silope,” and
+though he admits that the slope is too great, he thinks the mistake can
+be remedied, and is pulling the cloth to see if it will not stretch to
+the required shape.  Failing this, he has other remedies of a technical
+kind to suggest.  I do not understand these matters, and cannot interpret
+his argument, but he puts his fingers on the floor and flings himself
+lightly to the other side of the cloth, to point out where he proposes to
+have a “fals hame,” or some other device.  She rejects the proposal with
+scorn, and again impresses him with the consequences of his wicked
+blunder.  At last I am glad to see that a compromise is effected, and the
+little man settles himself in the middle of a small carpet and locks his
+legs together so that his shins form an X and he sits on his feet.  In
+this position he will ply his needle for the rest of the day at a rate
+inversely proportional to the distance of his mistress.  When she retires
+for her afternoon _siesta_ the needle will nap too.  Then he will take
+out a little _Vade Mecum_, which is never absent from his waistband, and
+unroll it.  It is many-coloured and contains little pockets, one for
+fragments of the spicy areca, one for the small tin box which contains
+fresh lime, one for cloves, one for cardamoms, and so on.  He will put a
+little of this and a little of that into his palm, then roll them all up
+in a betel leaf out of another pocket, and push the parcel into his
+mouth.  Thus refreshed he will go to work again, not, however, upon the
+garment to which he is now devoted, but upon a roll of coloured stuffs on
+which he is at the present moment sitting.  You see, times are hard and
+Hurree has a large family, so he is obliged to eke out his salary by
+contract work for the _mussaul_.  His work suffers from other
+interruptions.  When the carriage of a visitor is heard, he has to awaken
+the _chupprassee_ on duty at the door, and on his own account he goes out
+to drink water at least as often as the _chupprassee_ himself.  As the
+day draws near its close, he watches the shadow like a hireling, and when
+it touches the foot of the long arm chair, he springs to his feet, rolls
+up his rags and threads into a bundle, and trips gaily out.  As he does
+so you will observe that his legs are bandy, the knees refusing to
+approach each other.  This is the result of the position in which he
+spends his days.
+
+                       [Picture: A “leelte silope”]
+
+This is how we clothe ourselves in our Indian empire.  Our smooth and
+comfortable _khakee_ suits, our ample _pyjamas_, the cool white jackets
+in which we dine, in this way are they brought about.  But you must not
+allow yourself to think of the _Dirzee_ simply as an agency for producing
+clothes.  Life is not made up of such simplicities.  The _raison d’être_
+of that mango tree lies without doubt in the chalice of nectar, called
+“mango fool,” with which Domingo appeases me when he guesses that his
+enormities have gone beyond the limits even of my endurance; but I see
+that thirty-seven candidates for the place of the _chupprassee_ who went
+on leave yesterday have encamped under its shade, that they may watch for
+my face in the verandah.  The trespassing goat also has browsed on its
+leaves, and from the shelter of its branches the Magpie Robin pours that
+stream of song which, just before the dawning of the day, in the cloudy
+border land between sleeping and waking flows over my soul.  But I shall
+never really know the place that tree has filled in my life, unless
+someone cuts it down and gives me a full view, from my easy chair, of the
+dirty brick-burners’ hut, with the poisonous film of blue smoke playing
+over the kiln, and the family of pariah puppies below, sporting with the
+sun-dried remains of a fowl, which deceased in my yard and was purloined
+by their gaunt mother.  Now let imagination blot out the _Dirzee_.
+Remove him from the verandah.  Take up his carpet and sweep away the
+litter.  What a strange void there is in the place!  Eliminate him from a
+lady’s day.  Let nine o’clock strike, but bring no stealthy footstep to
+the door, no muffled voice making respectful application for his _Kam_.
+From nine to ten breakfast will fill the breach, and you may allow
+another hour for the butler’s account and the godown; but there is still
+a yawning chasm of at least two hours between eleven and tiffin.  I
+cannot bridge it.  Imagination strikes work.  The joyful sound of the
+Borah’s voice brings promise of relief; but no! for what interest can
+there be in the Borah if you have no _Dirzee_?  In the spirit of fair
+play, however, I must mention that my wife does not endorse all this.  On
+the contrary, she tells me (she has a terse way of speaking) that it is
+“rank bosh.”  She declares that the _Dirzee_ is the bane of her life,
+that he is worse than a fly, that she cannot sit down to the piano for
+five minutes but he comes buzzing round for black thread, or white
+thread, or mother-o-pearl buttons, or hooks and eyes, that every evening
+for the last month he has watched her getting ready for to drive, and
+just as her foot was on the carriage step, has reminded her, with a
+cough, that his work was finished and he had nothing to do.  If she could
+only do without him, she would send him about his business and be the
+happiest woman in the world, for she could devote the whole day to music
+and painting and the improvement of her mind.  Of course I assent.  That
+is a very commendable way of thinking about the matter.  But, as an
+amateur philosopher, I warn you never to let yourself get under practical
+bondage to such notions.  I tell you when you betake yourself to music or
+painting, carpentry or gardening, as a means of getting through the day,
+you are sapping your mental constitution and shortening your life: unless
+you are sustained by more than ordinary littleness of mind you will never
+see threescore and ten.  All these things are good in proportion as you
+have difficulty in finding time for them.  When you have to rise early in
+the morning and work hard to make a little leisure for your favourite
+hobby, then you are getting its blessing.  Now, the _Dirzee_ is not a
+means of killing time.  On the contrary, I see that he compels his
+mistress to take thought how she may save time alive, if she wishes to
+get anything done.  He hurries the day along and scatters its hours, so
+that _ennui_ cannot find an empty minute to lurk in.  I do not deny that
+he is the occasion of a few provocations, and the simile of the fly is
+just; but are not provocations an element in the interest of every
+pursuit, the pepper which flavours all pleasant occupation?  I collect
+butterflies, and my friends think I am a man to be envied because I have
+such a taste.  Do they suppose a butterfly catcher has no provocations?
+Was it seventeen or seventy times (I forget) in one page that I laid down
+my pen, put off my spectacles and caught up my net to rush after that
+brute of a _Papilio polymnestor_, who just came to the _duranta_ flowers
+to flout me and skip over the wall into the next garden?  And does anyone
+but a butterfly hunter know how it feels to open your cabinet drawers
+just a few hours after the ants have got the news that the camphor is
+done?  Does anyone but an entomologist know the grub of _Dermestes
+intolerabilis_?  Why should a collection of butterflies be called an
+object of perennial interest and delight, and the _Dirzee_ an unmitigated
+provocation?  They are both of one family.  Nothing is unmitigated in
+this world.
+
+Maria Graham tells us that in her time “the _Dirdjees_, or tailors, in
+Bombay” were “Hindoos of respectable caste,” but in these days the
+Goanese, who has not capacity to be a butler or cook, becomes a _Dirzee_,
+and in Bombay I have seen Bunniah _Dirzees_.  Hurree can hold his own
+against these, I doubt not, but the advancing tide of civilization is
+surely crumbling down his foundations.  It is not only the “Europe” shop
+in Bombay that takes the bread out of his month, but in the smallest and
+most remote stations, Narayen, “Tailor, Outfitter, Milliner, and
+Dressmaker,” hangs out his sign-board, and under it pale, consumptive
+youths of the Shimpee caste bend over their work by lamplight, and sing
+the song of the shirt to the whirr-rr-rr of sewing machines.  And as
+Hurree goes by on his way home, his prophetic soul tells him that his son
+will not live the happy and independent life which has fallen to his lot.
+But he has a bulwark still in the _dhobie_, for the “Tailor and
+Outfitter” will not repair frayed cuffs, and the sewing machine cannot
+put on buttons.  And Hurree is not ungrateful, for I observe that, when
+the _dhobie_ delivers up your clothes in a state which requires the
+_Dirzee_, the _Dirzee_ always gives them back in a condition which
+demands the _dhobie_.
+
+                          [Picture: The Dirzee]
+
+
+
+
+THE MALEE.
+
+
+    “Another custom is their sitting always on the ground with their
+    knees up to their chins, which I know not how to account
+    for.”—_Daniel Johnson_.
+
+[Picture: The Malee] I HAVE been watching Thomas Otway, gardener.  His
+coat hangs on a tree hard by, and he, standing in his shirt sleeves, is
+slaughtering regiments of weeds with a long hoe.  When they are all
+uprooted and prostrate, he changes his weapon for a fork, with which he
+tosses them about and shakes them free of soil and gathers them into
+heaps.  Then he brings a wheel-barrow, and, piling them into it until it
+can hold no more, goes off at a trot.  I am told his only fault is that
+he is _slow_.
+
+I have also stood watching Peelajee.  He, too, is a gardener, called by
+his own people a _Malee_, and by us, familiarly, a _Molly_.  He sits in
+an attitude not easy to describe, but familiar to all who have resided in
+the otiose East.  You will get at it by sitting on your own heels and
+putting your knees into your armpits.  In this position Peelajee can
+spend the day with much comfort, which is a wonderful provision of
+nature.  At the present moment he also is engaged in the operation of
+weeding.  In his right hand is a small species of sickle called a
+_koorpee_, with which he investigates the root of each weed as a snipe
+feels in the mud for worms; then with his left hand he pulls it out,
+gently shakes the earth off it, and contributes it to a small heap beside
+him.  When he has cleared a little space round him, he moves on like a
+toad, without lifting himself.  He enlivens his toil by exchanging
+remarks upon the weather as affecting the price of grain, the infirmity
+of my temper and other topics of personal interest, with an assistant,
+whom he persuaded me to engage by the day, pleading the laborious nature
+of this work of weeding.  When two or three square yards have been
+cleared, they both go away, and return in half an hour with a very small
+basket, which one holds while the other fills it with the weeds.  Then
+the assistant balances it on his head, and sets out at one mile an hour
+for the garden gate, where he empties it on the roadside.  Then he
+returns at the same rate, with the empty basket on his head, to Peelajee,
+who is occupied sitting waiting for him.
+
+It is clear that there may be two ways of doing the same thing.  I have
+no doubt there is much to be said for both, but, upon the whole, the
+advantage seems to lie with the _Malee_.  Otway does as much work in a
+day as Peelajee does in a week.  But why should a day be better than a
+week?  If you turn the thing round, and look at the other side of it, you
+will find that Otway costs three shillings a day and Peelajee two rupees
+a week.  So, if you are in a hurry, you can employ half a dozen
+Peelajees, and feel that you are making six families in the world happy
+instead of only one.  And I am sure the calm and peaceful air of
+Peelajee, as he moves about the garden, must be good for the soul and
+promote longevity.  I hate bustle, and I can vouch for Peelajee that he
+never bustles.  However, there is no need of odious comparisons.  There
+is a time for everything under the sun, and a place.  Here, in India, we
+have need of Peelajee.  He is a necessary part of the machinery by which
+our exile life is made to be the graceful thing it often is.  I pass by
+bungalow after bungalow, each in its own little paradise, and look upon
+the green lawn successfully defying an unkind climate, the islands of
+mingled foliage in profuse, confused beauty, the gay flower beds, the
+clean gravel paths with their trim borders, the grotto in a shady corner,
+where fern and moss mingle, all dripping as if from recent showers and
+make you feel cool in spite of all thermometers, and I say to myself,
+“Without the _Malee_ all this would not be.”  Neither with the _Malee_
+alone would this be, but something very different.  I admit that.  But is
+not this just one secret of the beneficent influence he has on us?  Your
+“Scotch” gardener is altogether too good.  He obliterates you—reduces you
+to a spectator.  But keeping a _Malee_ draws you out, for he compels you
+to look after him, and if you are to look after him, you must know
+something about his art, and if you do not know, you must learn.  So we
+Anglo-Indians are gardeners almost to a man, and spend many pure, happy
+hours with the pruning shears and the budding knife, and this we owe to
+the _Malee_.  When I say you must look after him, I do not disparage his
+skill; he is neat handed and knows many things; but his taste is
+elementary.  He has an eye for symmetry, and can take delight in squares
+and circles and parallel lines; but the more subtle beauties of
+unsymmetrical figures and curves which seem to obey no law are hid from
+him.  He loves bright tints especially red and yellow, with a boy’s love
+for sugar; he cannot have too much of them; but he has no organ for
+perceiving harmony in colour, and so the want of it does not pain him.
+The chief avenue, however, by which the delights of a gardener’s life
+reach him is the sense of smell.  He revels in sweet odours; but here,
+too, he seeks for strength rather than what we call delicacy.  In short,
+the enjoyment which he finds in the tones of his native _tom-tom_ may be
+taken as typical of all his pleasures.  I find however, that Peelajee
+understands the principles of toleration, and, recognising that he caters
+for my pleasure rather than his own, is quite willing to abandon his
+favourite yellow marigold and luscious jasmine for the _pooteena_ and the
+_beebeena_ and the _fullax_.  But perhaps you do not know these flowers
+by their Indian names.  We call them _petunia_, _verbena_, and _phlox_.
+This is, doubtless, another indication of our Aryan brotherhood.
+
+Peelajee is industrious after the Oriental method—that is to say, he is
+always doing something, but is economical of energy rather than time.  If
+there are more ways than one of doing a thing, he has an unerring
+instinct which guides him to choose the one that costs least trouble.  He
+is a fatalist in philosophy, and this helps him too.  For example, when
+he transplants a rose bush, he saves himself the trouble of digging very
+deep by breaking the root, for if the plant is to live it will live, and
+if it is to die it will die.  Some plants live, he remarks, and some
+plants die.  The second half of this aphorism is only too true.  In fact,
+many of my best plants not only die, but suddenly and entirely disappear.
+If I question Peelajee, he denies that I ever had them, and treats me as
+a dreamer of dreams.  I would not be uncharitable, but a little
+suspicion, like a mouse, lurks in the crevices of my mind that Peelajee
+surreptitiously carries on a small business as a seedsman and nursery
+gardener, and I know that in his simple mind he is so identified with his
+master that _meum_ and _tuum_ blend, as it were, into one.  I am
+restrained from probing into the matter by a sensitiveness about certain
+other mysteries which may be bound up with this, and about which I have
+always suppressed my curiosity.  For example, where do the beautiful
+flowers which decorate my table grow?  Not altogether in my garden.  So
+much I know: more than that I think it prudent not to know.  For this
+reason, as I said, I forbear to make close scrutiny into what may be
+called the undercurrent of Peelajee’s operations, but I notice that he
+always has in hand large beds of cuttings from my best roses and crotons,
+and these flourish up to a certain point, after which I lose all trace of
+them.  He says that an insidious caterpillar attacks their roots, so that
+they all grow black and wither away suddenly.  I fall upon him and tell
+him that he is to blame.  He protests that he cannot control underground
+caterpillars.  He knows that I suspect, and I suspect that he knows, but
+a veil of dissimulation, however transparent, averts a crisis, so we
+fence for a time till he understands clearly that, when he propagates my
+plants, he must reserve a decent number for me.
+
+Griffins and travelling M.P.s are liable to suppose that the _Malee_ is a
+gardener, and _ergo_ that you keep him to attend to your garden.  This is
+an error.  He is a gardener, of course, but the primary use of him is to
+produce flowers for your table, and you need him most when you have no
+garden.  A high-class _Malee_ of good family and connections is quite
+independent of a garden.  It seems necessary, however, that your
+neighbours should have gardens.
+
+The highest branch of the _Malee’s_ art is the making of nosegays, from
+the little “buttonhole,” which is equivalent to a cough on occasions when
+_baksheesh_ seems possible, to the great valedictory or Christmas
+bouquet.  The manner of making these is as follows.  First you gather
+your flowers, cutting the stalks as short as possible, and tie each one
+firmly to an artificial stalk of thin bamboo.  Then you select some large
+and striking flower for a centre, and range the rest round it in rings of
+beautiful colours.  If your bull’s eye is a sunflower, then you may gird
+it with a broad belt of red roses.  Yellow marigolds may follow, then
+another ring of red roses, then lilac bougainvillea, then something blue,
+after which you may have a circle of white jasmine, and so on.  Finally,
+you fringe the whole with green leaves, bind it together with pack
+thread, and tie it to the end of a short stick.  If the odour of rose,
+jasmine, chumpa, oleander, etc., is not sufficient, you can mix a good
+quantity of mignonette with the leaves on the outside, but, in any case,
+it is best to sprinkle the whole profusely with rose water.  This will
+make a bouquet fit to present to a Commissioner.
+
+                   [Picture: The highest style of art]
+
+
+
+
+THE BHEESTEE.
+
+
+[Picture: The Bheestee] THE _malee_ has an ally called the _Bheestee_.
+If you ask, Who is the _Bheestee_?  I will tell you.  _Behisht_ in the
+Persian tongue means Paradise, and a _Bihishtee_ is, therefore, an
+inhabitant of Paradise, a cherub, a seraph, an angel of mercy.  He has no
+wings; the painters have misconceived him; but his back is bowed down
+with the burden of a great goat-skin swollen to bursting with the elixir
+of life.  He walks the land when the heaven above him is brass and the
+earth iron, when the trees and shrubs are languishing and the last blade
+of grass has given up the struggle for life, when the very roses smell
+only of dust, and all day long the roaring “dust devils” waltz about the
+fields, whirling leaf and grass and corn stalk round and round and up and
+away into the regions of the sky; and he unties a leather thong which
+chokes the throat of his goat-skin just where the head of the poor old
+goat was cut off, and straight-way, with a life-reviving gurgle, the
+stream called _thunda panee_ gushes forth, and plant and shrub lift up
+their heads and the garden smiles again.  The dust also on the roads is
+laid and a grateful incense rises from the ground, the sides of the water
+chatty grow dark and moist and cool themselves in the hot air, and
+through the dripping interstices of the _khuskhus_ tattie a chilly
+fragrance creeps into the room, causing the mercury in the thermometer to
+retreat from its proud place.  Nay, the seraph finds his way to your very
+bath-room, and discharging a cataract into the great tub, leaves it
+heaving like the ocean after a storm.  When you follow him there, you
+will thank that nameless poet who gave our humble Aquarius the title he
+bears.  Surely in the world there can be no luxury like an Indian “tub”
+after a long march, or a morning’s shooting, in the month of May.  I know
+of none.  Wallace says that to eat a _durian_ is a new sensation, worth a
+voyage to the East to experience.  “A rich, butterlike custard, highly
+flavoured with almonds, gives the best general idea of it, but
+intermingled with it come wafts of flavour which call to mind cream
+cheese, onion sauce, brown sherry, and other incongruities.”  If this is
+true, then eating a _durian_ must, in its way, be something like having a
+tub.  That certainly is a new sensation.  I cannot tell what gives the
+best general idea of it, but there are mingled with it many wafts of a
+vigorous enjoyment, which touch you, I think, at a higher point in your
+nature than cream cheese or onion sauce.  There is first the
+enfranchisement of your steaming limbs from gaiter and shooting boot,
+buckskin and flannel; then the steeping of your sodden head in the
+pellucid depth, with bubaline snortings and expirations of satisfaction;
+then, as the first cold stream from the “tinpot” courses down your spine,
+what electric thrills start from a dozen ganglia and flush your whole
+nervous system with new life!  Finally, there is the plunge and the
+wallow and the splash, with a feeling of kinship to the porpoise in its
+joy, under the influence of which the most silent man becomes vocal and
+makes the walls of the narrow _ghoosulkhana_ resound with amorous, or
+patriotic, song.  A flavour of sadness mingles here, for you must come
+out at last, but the ample gaol towel receives you in its warm embrace
+and a glow of contentment pervades your frame, which seems like a special
+preparation for the soothing touch of cool, clean linen, and white duck,
+or smooth _khakee_.  And even before the voice of the butler is heard at
+the door, your olfactory nerves, quickened by the tonic of the tub, have
+told you what he is going to say.
+
+Some people in India always bathe in hot water, not for their sins, but
+because they like it.  At least, so they say, and it may be true, for I
+have been told that you may get a taste even for drinking hot water if
+you keep at it long enough.
+
+                           [Picture: The well]
+
+The _Bheestee_ is the only one of all our servants who never asks for a
+rise of pay on account of the increase of his family.  But he is not like
+the other servants.  We do not think of him as one of the household.  We
+do not know his name, and seldom or never speak to him; but I follow him
+about, as you would some little animal, and observe his ways.  I find
+that he always stands on his left leg, which is like an iron gate-post,
+and props himself with his right.  I cannot discover whether he
+straightens out when he goes home at night, but when visible in the
+daytime, he is always bowed, either under the weight of his _mussuk_ or
+the recollection of it.  The constant application of that great cold
+poultice must surely bring on chronic lumbago, but he does not complain.
+I notice, however, that his waist is always bound about with many folds
+of unbleached cotton cloth and other protective gear.  The place to study
+him to advantage is the _bowrie_, or station well, in a little hollow at
+the foot of a hill.  Of course there are many wells, but some have a bad
+reputation for guineaworm, and some are brackish, and some are jealously
+guarded by the Brahmins, who curse the _Bheestee_ if he approaches, and
+some are for low caste people.  This well is used by the station
+generally, and the water of it is very “sweet.”  Any native in the place
+will tell you that if you drink of this well you will always have an
+appetite for your meals and digest your food.  It is circular and
+surrounded by a strong parapet wall, over which, if you peep cautiously
+into the dark abyss, you may catch a sight of the wary tortoise, which
+shares with a score or so of gigantic frogs the task of keeping the water
+“sweet.”  It was introduced for the purpose by a thoughtful _Bheestee_:
+the frogs fell in.  Wild pigeons have their nests in holes in the sides
+of the well.  Here, morning and evening, you will find the _Bheestees_ of
+the station congregated, some coming and some going, like bees at the
+mouth of a hive, but most standing on the wall and letting down their
+leather buckets into the water.  As they begin to haul these up again
+hand over hand, you will look to see them all topple head foremost into
+the well, but they do not as a rule.  It makes an imaginative European
+giddy to look down into that Tartarean depth; but then the _Bheestee_ is
+not imaginative.  As the hot season advances, the water retreats further
+and further into the bowels of the earth, and the labour of filling the
+_mussuk_ becomes more and more arduous.  At the same time, the demand for
+water increases, for man is thirsty and the ground parched.  So the toils
+of the poor _Bheestee_ march _pari passu_ with the tyranny of the
+climate, and he grows thin and very black.  Then, with the rain, his
+vacation begins.  Happy man if his master does not cut his pay down on
+the ground that he has little to do.  We masters sometimes do that kind
+of thing.
+
+I believe the _mussuk_ bearer is the true and original _Bheestee_, but in
+many places, as wealth and luxury have spread, he has emancipated his own
+back and laid his burden on the patient bullock, which walks sagaciously
+before him, and stops at the word of command beside each flower-pot or
+bush.  He treats his slave kindly, hanging little bells and _cowries_
+about its neck.  If it is refractory he does not beat it, but gently
+reviles its female ancestors.  I like the _Bheestee_ and respect him.  As
+a man, he is temperate and contented, eating _bajree_ bread and slacking
+his thirst with his own element.  The author of Hobson Jobson says he
+never saw a drunken _Bheestee_.  And as a servant he is laborious and
+faithful, rarely shirking his work, seeking it out rather.  For example,
+we had a bottle-shaped filter of porous stoneware, standing in a bucket
+of water, which it was his duty to fill daily; but the good man, not
+content with doing his bare duty, took the plug out of the filter and
+filled it too!  And all the station knows how assiduously he fills the
+rain gauge.  But what I like best in him is his love of nature.  He keeps
+a tame lark in a very small cage, covered with dark cloth that it may
+sing, and early in the morning you will find him in the fields, catching
+grasshoppers for his little pet.  I am speaking of a Mahomedan
+_Bheestee_.  You must not expect love of nature in a Hindoo.
+
+                        [Picture: His little pet]
+
+
+
+
+TOM, THE BARBER.
+
+
+[Picture: The Barber] IN INDIA it is not good form to shave yourself.
+You ought to respect the religious prejudices and social institutions of
+the people.  If everyone shaved himself, how would the Barber’s stomach
+be filled?  The pious feeling which prompts this question lies deep in
+the heart of Hindoo society.  We do not understand it.  How can we, with
+our cold-blooded creed of demand and supply, free trade and competition,
+fair field and no favour?  In this ancient land, whose social system is
+not a deformed growth, but a finished structure, nothing has been left to
+chance, least of all a man’s beard; for, cleanliness and godliness not
+being neighbours here, a beard well matted with ashes and grease is the
+outward and visible sign of sanctity.  And so, in the golden age, when
+men did everything that is wise and right, there was established a caste
+whose office it was to remove that sign from secular chins.  How impious
+and revolutionary then must it be for a man who is not a barber to tamper
+with his own beard, thus taking the bread out of the mouths of barbers
+born, and blaspheming the wisdom of the ancient founders of civilization!
+It is true that, during the barbers’ strike a few years ago, the
+Brahmins, even of orthodox Poona, consecrated a few of their own number
+to the use of the razor.  But desperate diseases demand desperate
+remedies.  When the barbers struck, Nature did not strike.  Beards grew
+as before, and threatened to change the whole face of society.  In view
+of such an appalling crisis who would say anything was unlawful?
+Besides, British rule is surely undermining the very foundations of
+society, and I doubt if you could find a Brahmin to-day under fifty years
+of age whose heart is not more or less corroded by the spirit of change.
+Your young University man is simply honey-combed: he can scarcely conceal
+his mind from his own mother or wife.
+
+[Picture: A happy patient] But I must return to the Barber.  The natives
+call him _hujjam_.  He has been bred so true for a score or so of
+centuries that shaving must be an instinct with him now.  His right hand
+is as delicate an organ as a foxhound’s nose.  I believe that, when
+inebriated, he goes on shaving, just as a toad deprived of its brain will
+walk and eat and scratch its nose.  If you put a jagged piece of tin into
+the hand of a baby _hujjam_, he will scrape his little sister’s face with
+it.  In India, as you know, every caste has its own “points,” and you can
+distinguish a Barber as easily as a _dhobie_ or a Dorking hen.  He is a
+sleek, fair-complexioned man, dressed in white, with an ample red turban,
+somewhat oval in shape, like a sugared almond.  He wears large gold
+earrings in the upper part of his ears, and has a sort of false stomach,
+which, at a distance, gives him an aldermanic figure, but proves, on a
+nearer view, to be made of leather, and to have many compartments, filled
+with razors, scissors, soap, brush, comb, mirror, tweezers, earpicks, and
+other instruments of a more or less surgical character; for he is,
+indeed, a surgeon, and especially an aurist and narist.  When he takes a
+Hindoo head into his charge, he does not confine himself to the chin or
+scalp, but renovates it all over.  The happy patient enjoys the
+operation, sitting proudly in a public place.  When a Barber devotes
+himself to European heads he rises in the social scale.  If he has any
+real talent for his profession, he soon rises to the rank and title of
+Tom, and may eventually be presented with a small hot-water jug, bearing
+an inscription to the effect that it is a token of the respect and esteem
+in which he was held by the officers of the —th Regiment at the station
+of Daree-nai-hona.  This is equivalent to a C. I. E., but is earned by
+merit.  In truth, Tom is a great institution.  He opens the day along
+with tea and hot toast and the _Daree-nai-hona Chronicle_, but we throw
+aside the _Chronicle_.  It is all very well if you want to know which
+band will play at the band-stand this evening, and the leading columns
+are occasionally excruciatingly good, when a literary corporal of the
+Fusiliers discusses the political horizon, or unmasks the _Herald_,
+pointing out with the most pungent sarcasm how “our virtuous contemporary
+puts his hands in his breeches pockets, like a crocodile, and sheds
+tears;” but during the parade season the corporal writes little, and
+articles by the regular staff, upon the height to which cantonment hedges
+should be allowed to grow, are apt to be dull.  For news we depend on
+Tom.  He appears reticent at first, but be patient.  Let him put the soap
+on, and then tap him gently.
+
+“Well, Tom, what news this morning?”
+
+“No news, sar.”  After a long pause, “Commissioner Saheb coming
+to-morrow.”
+
+“To-morrow?  No, he is not coming for three weeks.”
+
+“To-morrow coming.  Not telling anybody; quietly coming.”
+
+“Why?”
+
+“God knows.”  After another pause, “Nana Shett give Mamletdar 500 rupee
+for not send his son to prison.  Then Nana Shett’s brother he fight with
+Nana Shett, so he write letter to Commissioner and tell him you come
+quietly and make inquire.”
+
+“The Mamletdar has been taking bribes, has he?”
+
+“Everybody taking.  Fouzdar take 200 rupee.  Dipooty take 500 rupee.”
+
+“What!  Does the Deputy Collector take bribes?”
+
+“God knows.  Black man very bad.  All black man same like bad.”
+
+“Then are you not a black man?”
+
+Tom smiles pleasantly and makes a fresh start.
+
+“Colonel Saheb’s madam got baby.”
+
+“Is it a boy or a girl?”
+
+“Girl, sar.  Colonel Saheb very angry.”
+
+“Why?”
+
+“He say, ‘I want boy.  Why always girl coming?’  Get very angry.  Beat
+butler with stick.”
+
+[Picture: Tom, the Barber] Yes, Tom is a great institution.  Who can
+estimate how much we owe to him for the circulation of that lively
+interest in one another’s well-being which characterises the little
+station?  Tom comes, like the Pundit, in the morning, but he is different
+from the Pundit and we welcome him.  He is not a shadow of the black
+examination-cloud which lowers over us.  There is no flavour of grammars
+and dictionaries about him.  Even if he finds you still in bed,
+conscience gets no support from him.  He does not awaken you, but slips
+in with noiseless tread, lifts the mosquito curtains, proceeds with his
+duty and departs, leaving no token but a gentle dream about the cat which
+came and licked your cheeks and chin with its soft, warm tongue, and
+scratched you playfully with its claws, while a cold frog, embracing your
+nose, looked on and smiled a froggy smile.  The barber’s hand _is_ cold
+and clammy.  _Chacun à son gout_.  I do not like him.  I grow my beard,
+and Tom looks at me as the Chaplain regards dissenters.
+
+
+
+
+OUR “NOWKERS”—THE MARCH PAST.
+
+
+                        [Picture: Group of people]
+
+NOW it is time to close our inspection and order a march past.  I think I
+have marshalled the whole force.  It may seem a small band to you, if you
+have lived in imperial Bengal, for we of Bombay do not generally keep a
+special attendant to fill and light our pipe, and our _tatoo_ does not
+require a man to cut its grass.  Some of us even put on our own clothes.
+In short, we have not carried the art of living to such oriental
+perfection as prevails on the other side of India, and a man of simple
+tastes will find my company of fourteen a sufficient staff.  There they
+are, _Sub hazir hai_, “they are all present,” the butler says, except one
+humble, but necessary officer, who does not like to appear.  He is known
+familiarly by many names.  You may call him Plantagenet, for his emblem
+is the lowly broom; but since his modesty keeps him in the background, we
+will leave him there.  The rest are before you, the faithful corps with
+whose help we transact our exile life.  You may look at them from many
+standpoints, and how much depends on which you take!  I suspect the
+commonest with us masters is that which regards boy, butler, _mussaul_,
+cook, as just so many synonyms for channels by which the hard-earned
+rupee, which is our life-blood, flows from us continually.  This view
+puts enmity between us and them, between our interests and theirs.  It
+does not come into our minds, that when we submit our claim for an extra
+allowance of Rs. 200 under section 1735 of the Code, and the _mussaul_
+gets the butler to prefer a humble request for an increase of one rupee a
+month to his slender _puggar_, we and the _mussaul_ are made kin by that
+one touch of nature.  We spurn the request and urge the claim, with equal
+wonderment at the effrontery of _mussauls_ and the meanness of
+Governments.  And “the angels weep.”
+
+Shift your standpoint, and in each cringing menial you will see a black
+token of that Asiatic metamorphosis through which we all have passed.
+What a picture!  Look at yourself as you stand there in purple sublimity,
+trailing clouds of darkness from the middle ages whence you come,
+planting your imperial foot on all the manly traditions of your own free
+country, and pleased with the grovelling adulations of your trembling
+serfs.  And now it is not the angels who weep, but the Baboo of Bengal.
+His pale and earnest brow is furrowed with despair as he turns from you.
+For whither shall he turn?  When his bosom palpitates with the intense
+joy of newborn aspirations for liberty, to whom shall he go if the
+Briton, the champion of the world’s freedom, has drunk of Comus’s cup and
+become an oriental satrap?  Ah! there is still hope.  The “large heart of
+England” beats still for him.  In the land of John Hampden and Labouchere
+there are thousands yet untainted by the plague, who keep no servant, who
+will listen to the Baboo while he tells them about you, and perhaps
+return him to parliament.
+
+There is a third view of the case, fraught with much content to those who
+can take it, and, happily, it is the only view possible to the primitive
+intelligences over which we exercise domestic lordship.  In this view
+they are, indeed, as we regard them—so many channels by which the rupee
+may flow from us; but what are we, if not great reservoirs, built to feed
+those very channels?  And so, with that “sweet reasonableness” which is
+so pleasant a feature of the Hindoo mind, your boy or butler, being the
+main conduit, sets himself to estimate the capacity of the reservoir,
+that he may adapt the gauge of each pipe and regulate the flow.  And, as
+the reservoir grows greater, as the assistant becomes a collector and the
+collector a commissioner, the pipes are extended and enlarged, and all
+rejoice together.  The moral beauty of this view of the situation grows
+upon you as you accustom your mind to dwell on it.  Is it not pleasant to
+think of yourself as a beneficent irrigation work, watering a wide
+expanse of green pasture and smiling corn, or as a well in a happy
+garden, diffusing life and bloom?  Look at the syce’s children.  Phil
+Robinson says there are nine of them, all about the same age and dressed
+in the same nakedness.  As they squat together there, indulging “the
+first and purest of our instincts” in the mud or dust of the narrow back
+road, reflect that their tender roots are nourished by a thin rivulet of
+rupees which flows from you.  If you dried up, they would droop and
+perhaps die.  The butler has a bright little boy, who goes to school
+every day in a red velvet cap and print jacket, with a small slate in his
+hand, and hopes one day to climb higher in the word than his father.  His
+tendrils are wrapped about your salary.  Nay, you may widen the range of
+your thoughts: the old hut in the environs of Surat, with its patch of
+field and the giant gourds, acknowledges you, and a small stream,
+diverted from one of the channels which you supply, is filling a deep
+cistern in one of the back streets of Goa.  Pardon me if I think that the
+untutored Indian’s thought is better even for us than any which we have
+framed for ourselves.  Imagine yourself as a sportsman, spear in hand,
+pursuing the wild V.C. through fire and water, or patiently stalking the
+wary K.C.B., or laying snares for the gentle C.I.E.; or else as a humble
+industrious dormouse lining a warm nest for the winter of your life in
+Bath or Tunbridge Wells; or as a gay butterfly flitting from flower to
+flower while the sunshine of your brief day may last; or simply as a
+prisoner toiling at the treadmill because you must: the well in the
+garden is a pleasanter conception than all these and wholesomer.  Foster
+it while you may.  Now that India has wakened up and begun to spin after
+the rest of the great world down the ringing grooves of change, these
+tints of dawn will soon fade away, and in the light of noon the
+instructed Aryan will learn to see and deplore the monstrous inequalities
+in the distribution of wealth.  He will come to understand the essential
+equality of all men, and the real nature of the contract which subsists
+between master and servant.  Yes, I am afraid the day is fast drawing
+near when you will no longer venture to cut the _hamal’s_ pay for letting
+mosquitoes into your bed curtains and he will no longer join his palms
+and call you his father and mother for doing so.  What a splendid
+capacity for obedience there is in this ancient people!  And our
+relations with them have certainly taught us again how to govern, which
+is one of the forgotten arts in the West.  Where in the world to-day is
+there a land so governed as this Indian Empire?
+
+And now each man wants his “character” before he makes his last _salaam_,
+and what shall I say?  “The bearer — has been in my service since — and I
+have always found him — ”  So far good; but what next?  Honest?—Yes.
+Willing?—Certainly.  Careful?—Very.  Hardworking?—Well, I have often told
+him that he was a lazy scoundrel, and that he might easily take a lesson
+in activity from the _bheestee’s_ bullock, and perhaps I spoke the truth.
+But, after all, he gets up in the morning an hour before me, and eats his
+dinner after I have retired for the night.  He gets no Saturday
+half-holiday, and my Sabbath is to him as the other days of the week.
+And so the hard things I have said of him and to him are forgotten, and
+charity triumphs at the last.  And when my furlough is over and I return
+to these shores, the whole troop will be at the Apollo Bunder, waiting to
+welcome back their old master and eat his salt again.
+
+                             [Picture: A cow]
+
+
+
+
+POSTSCRIPT.
+THE GOWLEE, OR DOODWALLAH.
+
+
+Gopal, the _Gowlee_, haunts me in my dreams, complaining that he has been
+left out in the cold.  I had classed him with the _borah_ and the baker,
+as outsiders with whom I had merely business relations; but Gopal seems
+to urge that he is not on the same footing with these.  How can he be
+compared to a mercenary _borah_?  Has he not ministered to my wants,
+morning and evening, in wet weather and dry?  Have not my children grown
+up on his milk?  He will not deny that they have eaten the baker’s bread
+too; but who is the baker?  Does he come into the _saheb’s_ presence in
+person as Gopal does?  No.  He sits in his shop and sends a servant.  Not
+so Gopal.  He is one of my children, and I am his father and mother.  And
+I am forced to admit there is some truth in this view of the case.  The
+ill-favoured man who haunts my house of a morning, with a large basket of
+loaves poised slantwise on his head, and converses in a strange nasal
+brogue with the cook, is not Mr. de Souza, “baker of superior first and
+second sort bread, and manufacturer of every kind of biscuit, cake,” &c.,
+but a mere underling.  My intercourse with the head of the firm is
+confined to the first day of each month, when he waits on me in person,
+dressed in a smart black jacket, and presents his bill.  Also on Good
+Friday he sends me a cake and his compliments, but the former, if it is
+not intercepted by the butler and applied to his own uses, is generally
+too unctuous for my taste.  Very different are our relations with the
+_Doodwallah_.  Our _chota hazree_ waits for him in the morning; our
+afternoon tea cannot proceed till he comes; the baby cries if the
+_Doodwallah_ is late.  And even if you are one of the few who strike for
+independence and keep their own cow, I still counsel you to maintain
+amicable relations with the _Doodwallah_.  One day the cow will kick and
+refuse to be milked, and the butler will come to you with a troubled
+countenance.  It is a grave case and demands professional skill.  The
+_Doodwallah_ must be sent for to milk the cow.  In many other ways, too,
+we are made to feel our dependence on him.  I believe we rarely die of
+cholera, or typhoid fever, without his unobtrusive assistance.  And all
+his services are performed in person, not through any underling.  That
+stately man who walks up the garden path morning and evening, erect as a
+betel-nut palm, with a tiara of graduated milk-pots on his head, and
+driving a snorting buffalo before him, is Gopal himself.  Scarcely any
+other figure in the compound impresses me in the same way as his.  It is
+altogether Eastern in its simple dignity, and symbolically it is
+eloquent.  The buffalo represents absolute milk and the lessening pyramid
+of brass _lotas_, from the great two-gallon vessel at the base to the
+¼-seer measure at the top, stand for successive degrees of dilution with
+that pure element which runs in the roadside ditches after rain.  Thus
+his insignia interpret themselves to me.  Gopal does not acknowledge my
+heraldry, but explains that the lowest _lota_ contains butter milk—that
+is to say, milk for making butter.  The second contains milk which is
+excellent for drinking, but will not yield butter; the third a cheaper
+quality of milk for puddings, and so on.  If you are an anxious mother,
+or a fastidious bachelor, and none of these will please you, then he
+brings the buffalo to the door and milks it in your presence.  I think
+the truth which underlies the two ways of putting the thing is the same:
+Gopal and I differ in form of words only.  However that may be, practice
+is more than theory, and I stipulate for milk for all purposes from the
+lowest _lota_—that is, milk which is warranted to yield butter.  If it
+will not stand that test, I reject it.  Gopal wonders at my extravagance,
+but consents.  The milk is good and the butter from it plentiful.  But as
+time goes on the latter declines both in quantity and quality, so
+gradually that suspicion is scarcely awakened.  When at last you summon
+the butler to a consultation, he suggests that the weather has been too
+hot for successful butter making, or too cold.  If these reasons do not
+satisfy you, he has others; if they fail, he gives his verdict against
+the _Doodwallah_.  Next morning Gopal is called to superintend the making
+of the butter and convicted, convicted but not abashed.  He expresses the
+greatest regret, but blames the buffalo; its calf is too old.  To-morrow
+you shall have the produce of another buffalo.  So next day you have the
+satisfaction of seeing a fine healthy pat of butter swimming in the
+butter dish, carved and curled with all the butler’s art, like a
+full-blown dahlia.  But the milk in your tea does not improve, for Gopal,
+after ascertaining how much milk you set aside for butter every day,
+finds that the new buffalo yields only that quantity, and so what you
+require for other purposes comes from another source.  The butler forgot
+to tell you this.  What bond is there between him and honest Gopal?  I
+cannot tell.  Many are the mysteries of housekeeping in India, and
+puzzling its problems.  If you could behead your butler when anything
+went wrong, I have very little doubt everything would go right, but the
+complicated methods of modern justice are no match for the subtleties of
+Indian petty wickedness.  And yet under this crust of cunning there is a
+vein of simple stupidity which constantly crops up where you least expect
+it.  I remember a gentleman, a bachelor, who set before himself a very
+high standard.  He would be strictly just and justly strict.  He
+suspected that his milk was watered, but his faithful boy protested that
+this could not be, as the milking was begun and finished in his presence.
+So the master provided himself with a lactometer, and the suspicion
+became certainty.  Summoning his boy into his presence, he explained to
+him that that little instrument, which he saw floating in the so-called
+milk before him, could neither lie nor be deceived.  “It declares,” he
+added sternly, “that there is twenty-five per cent. of water in this
+milk.”  “Your lordship speaks the truth,” answered the faithful man, “but
+how could I tell a lie?  The milk was drawn in my presence.”  “Do you
+mean to say you were there the whole time the animal was being milked?”
+“The whole time, your lordship.  Would I give those rogues the chance of
+watering the _saheb’s_ milk?”  The master thought for a moment, and asked
+again, “Are you sure there was no water in the pail before the milking
+began?—these people are very cunning.”  “They are as cunning as
+_sheitan_, your lordship, but I made the man turn the pail upside down
+and shake it.”  Again the master turned the matter over in his just mind,
+and it occurred to him that the lactometer was of English manufacture and
+might be puzzled by the milk of the buffalo.  “Is this cow’s milk, or
+buffalo’s?” he asked.  The boy was beginning to feel his position
+uncomfortable and caught at this chance of escape.  “Ah! that I cannot
+tell.  It may be buffalo’s milk.”  _Tableau_.
+
+                    [Picture: The Doodwallahs—Milkmen]
+
+I have spoken of having butter made in the house, but Gopal carries on
+all departments of a dairyman’s business, and you may buy butter of him
+at two annas a “cope.”  Let philologists settle the derivation of the
+word.  The “cope” is a measure like a small tea-cup, and when Gopal has
+filled it, he presses the butter well down with his hand, so that a man
+skilled in palmistry may read the honest milkman’s fortune off any cope
+of his butter.  How he makes it, or of what materials, I dare not say.
+Many flavours mingle in it, some familiar enough, some unknown to me.
+Its texture varies too.  Sometimes it is pasty, sometimes semi-fluid,
+sometimes sticky, following the knife.  In colour it is bluish-white,
+unless dyed.  All things considered, I refuse Gopal’s butter, and have
+mine made at home.  The process is very simple, and no churn is needed.
+Every morning the milk for next day’s butter is put into a large flat
+dish, to stand for twenty-four hours, at the end of which time, if the
+dish is as dirty as it should be, the milk has curdled.  Then, with a tin
+spoon, Mukkun skims off the cream and puts it into a large pickle bottle,
+and squatting on the ground, _more suo_, bumps the bottle upon a pad
+until the butter is made.  The artistic work of preparing it for
+presentation remains.  First it is dyed yellow with a certain seed, that
+it may please the _saheb’s_ taste, for buffalo butter is quite white, and
+you know it is an axiom in India that cow’s milk does not yield butter.
+Then Mukkun takes a little bamboo instrument and patiently works the
+butter into a “flower” and sends it to breakfast floating in cold water.
+
+Gopal is a man of substance, owning many buffaloes and immensely fat
+Guzerat cows, with prodigious humps and large pendent ears.  His family,
+having been connected for many generations with the sacred animal, he
+enjoys a certain consciousness of moral respectability, like a man whose
+uncles are deans or canons.  In my mind, he is always associated rather
+with his buffaloes, those great, unwieldy, hairless, slate-coloured
+docile, intelligent antediluvians.
+
+                      [Picture: Home butter making]
+
+
+
+
+THE MISCELLANEOUS WALLAHS.
+
+
+[Picture: The Kalai-wallah] I have yielded to the claim of the
+_doodwallah_ to be reckoned among the _nowkers_.  His right is more than
+doubtful, and I will yield no further.  Nevertheless, there is a cluster
+of petty dependents, a nebula of minor satellites, which have us for the
+focus of their orbit, and which cannot be left out of a comprehensive
+account of our system.  Whence, for example, is that raucus stridulation
+which sets every tooth on edge and sends a rheumatic shiver up my spine?
+“It is only the _Kalai-wallah_,” says the boy, and points to a muscular
+black man, very nearly in the garb of a Grecian athlete, standing with
+both feet in one of my largest cooking pots.  He grasps a post with both
+hands, and swings his whole frame fiercely from side to side with a
+circular motion, like the balance wheel of a watch.  He seems to have a
+rough cloth and sand under his feet, so I suppose this is only his
+energetic way of scouring the pot preparatory to tinning it, for the
+_Kalai-wallah_ is the “tin-man,” whose beneficent office it is to avert
+death by verdigris and salts of copper from you and your family.  His
+assistant, a semi-nude, fleshless youth, has already extemporized a
+furnace of clay in the ground hard by, and is working a huge pair of
+clumsy bellows.  Around him are all manner of copper kitchen utensils,
+_handies_, or _deckshies_, kettles, frying-pans, and what not, and there
+are also on the ground some rings of _kalai_, commonly called tin; but
+pure tin is an expensive metal, and I do not think it is any part of the
+_Kalai-wallah’s_ care to see that you are not poisoned with lead.  One
+notable peculiarity there is in this _Kalai-wallah_, or tin-man, which
+deserves record, namely, that he pays no _dustooree_ to any man.  I take
+it as sufficient evidence of this fact that, though even the _matie_
+could tell you that the pots ought to be tinned once a month, neither the
+butler nor the cook ever seems to remember when the day comes round.
+This is a matter which you must see to personally.  Contrast with this
+the case of the _Nalbund_, the clink of whose hammer in the early morning
+tells that the 15th of the month has dawned.  His portable anvil is
+already in the ground, and he is hammering the shoes into shape after a
+fashion; but he is not very particular about this, for if the shoe does
+not fit the hoof he can always cut the hoof to fit the shoe.  This is an
+advantage which the maker of shoes for human feet does not enjoy, though
+I have heard of very fashionable ladies who secretly have one toe
+amputated that the rest may more easily be squeezed into that curious
+pointed thing, which, by some mysterious process of mind, is regarded as
+an elegant shoe.  But this is by the way.  To return to the _Nalbund_.
+His work is guaranteed to last one calendar month, and your faithful
+_ghorawallah_, who remembers nothing else, and scarcely knows the day of
+the week, bears in mind the exact date on which the horse has to be shod
+next, and if the careless _Nalbund_ does not appear, promptly goes in
+search of him.  Does not this speak volumes for the efficiency of that
+venerable and wonderful institution _dustooree_, by which the interests
+of all classes are cemented together and the wheels of the social system
+are oiled?  The shoeing of the bullock is generally a distinct
+profession, I believe, from the shoeing of the horse, and is not
+considered such a high art.  The poor _byle_ is thrown, and, his feet
+being tied together, the assistant holds his nose to the ground, while
+the master nails a small slip of bad iron to each half of the hoof.  I
+often stop on my way to contemplate this spectacle, which beautifully
+illustrates that cold patience, or natural thick-skinnedness, which fits
+the _byle_ so admirably for his lot in this land.  He is yoked to a
+creaking cart and prodded with a sharp nail to make him go, his female
+ancestry reviled to the third generation, his belly tickled with the
+driver’s toes, and his tail twisted till the joints crack, but he plods
+patiently on till he feels disposed to stop, and then he lies down and
+takes with an even mind such cudgelling as the enraged driver can
+inflict.  At last a fire of straw is lighted under him, and then he gets
+up and goes on.  He never grows restive or frets, as a horse would, and
+so he does not wear out.  This is the reason why bullocks are used
+throughout India for all agricultural purposes.  The horse does not suit
+the genius of the people.  I wish horses in India could do without shoes.
+In sandy districts, like Guzerat, they can, and are much better unshod;
+but in the stony Deccan some protection is absolutely necessary, and the
+poor beast is often at the mercy of the village bullock _Nalbund_.  It
+carries my thoughts to the days of our forefathers, when the blacksmith
+was also the dentist.
+
+                            [Picture: Nalbund]
+
+[Picture: Grasswallah] The _Nalbund_ leads naturally to the
+_Ghasswallah_, or grass-man, whose sign is a mountain of green stuff,
+which comes nodding in at the back gate every day upon four emaciated
+legs.  A small pony’s nose protrudes from the front, with a muzzle on,
+for in such matters the spirit of the law of Moses is not current in this
+country.  The mild Hindoo does muzzle the mouth of the ox that treadeth
+out the corn.  His religion forbids him to take life, and he obeys, but
+he steers as near to that sin as he can, without actually committing it,
+and vitality is seen here at a lower ebb, perhaps, than in any other
+country under the sun.  The grassman maintains just so much flesh on the
+bones of his beast as will suffice to hold them together under their
+burden, and this can be done without lucerne grass, so poor Tantalus
+toddles about, buried under a pile of sweet-scented, fresh, green
+herbage, ministering to the sleek aristocracy of his own kind, and
+returns to gnaw his daily allowance of _kurbee_.  There is, however, one
+alleviation of his lot for which he may well be thankful, and that is
+that his burden so encompasses him about that the stick of his driver
+cannot get at any part of him.  I believe the _Ghasswallah_ is an
+institution peculiar to our presidency—this kind of _Ghasswallah_, I
+mean, who is properly a farmer, owning large well-irrigated fields of
+lucerne grass.  Hay is supplied by another kind of _Ghasswallah_, who
+does not keep a pony, but brings the daily allowance on his head.  That
+allowance is five _polees_ for each horse.  A _polee_ is a bundle of
+grass about as thick as a tree, and as long as a bit of string.  This hay
+merchant does a large business, and used to send in a monthly bill to
+each of his constituents in due form, thus:—
+
+To Hurree Ganesh,                                             JANUARY.
+            Mr. Esmith, Esquire                               _Dr._
+            To supplying grass to   Rs.           7      0           0
+            one horse
+            Ditto to ½ horse                      3      8           0
+            Total                   Rs.          10      8           0
+                                             E. E.& contents received.
+
+The ½ horse was a cow.
+
+[Picture: Shirakee] As the monsoon draws to a close and the weather
+begins to get colder, a man in a tight brown suit and leather belt, with
+an unmistakable flavour of sport about him, presents himself at the door.
+This is the _shikaree_ come with _khubber_ of “_ishnap_,” and quail, and
+duck, and in fact of anything you like up to bison and tiger.  But we
+must dismiss him to-day.  He would require a chapter to himself, and
+would take me over ground quite outside of my present scope.  What a
+_loocha_ he is!
+
+[Picture: Ready-made-clothes Wallah] What shall I say of the
+_Roteewallah_ and the _Jooteewallah_, who comes round so regularly to
+keep your boots and shoes in disrepair, and of all the vociferous tribe
+of _borahs_?  There is the _Kupprawallah_, and the _Boxwallah_, and the
+_Ready-made-clotheswallah_ (“readee made cloes mem sa-ab! dressin’ gown,
+badee, petticoat, drars, chamees, everyting, mem sa-ab, very che-eap!”)
+and the _Chowchowwallah_ and the _Maiwawallah_ or fruit man, with his
+pleasant basket of pomeloes and oranges, plantains, red and white,
+custard apples, guavas, figs, grapes, and pineapples, and those
+suspicious-looking old iron scales, hanging by greasy, knotted strings.
+Each of these good people, it seems, lives in this hard world for no
+other end but to supply my wants.  One of them is positive that he
+supplied my father with the necessaries of life before I was born.
+[Picture: Sindworkwallah]  He is by appearance about eighteen years of
+age, but this presents no difficulty, for if it was not he who ministered
+to my parent, it was his father, and so he has not only a personal, but a
+hereditary claim on me.  He is a _workboxwallah_, and is yearning to show
+his regard for me by presenting me with a lady’s sandalwood dressing-case
+in return for the trifling sum of thirty-five rupees.  The
+_sindworkwallah_, who has a similar esteem for me, scorns the thought of
+wishing to sell, but if I would just look at some of his beautiful
+things, he could go away happy.  When they are all spread upon the
+ground, then it occurs to him that I have it in my power to make him
+lucky for the day by buying a fancy smoking-cap, which, by-the-by, he
+brought expressly for me.  But this subject always makes me sad, for
+there is no disguising the fact that the _borah_ is fast passing away for
+ever, and with him all the glowing morning tints of that life which we
+used to live when India was still India.  But let that regret pass.  One
+_wallah_ remains, who presents himself at your door, not monthly, or
+weekly, but every day, and often twice a day, and not at the back
+verandah, but at the front, walking confidently up to the very easy-chair
+on which we stretch our lordly limbs.  And I may safely say that, of all
+who claim directly or indirectly to have eaten our salt, there is not a
+man for whom we have, one and all of us, a kindlier feeling.  You may
+argue that he is only a public servant, and has really far less claim on
+us than any of the others; never mind—
+
+    “I pray thee, peace.  I will be flesh and blood.”
+
+[Picture: Coolie] The English mail is in, and we feel, and will feel,
+towards that red-livened man as Noah felt towards the dove with the olive
+branch in her mouth.  And when Christmas comes round, howsoever we may
+harden ourselves against others, scarcely one of us, I know, will grudge
+a rupee to the _tapalwallah_.
+
+                             [Picture: Finis]
+
+
+
+
+***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BEHIND THE BUNGALOW***
+
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+<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=US-ASCII" />
+<title>Behind the Bungalow, by EHA</title>
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+<pre>
+
+The Project Gutenberg eBook, Behind the Bungalow, by EHA, Illustrated by
+F. C. Macrae
+
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most
+other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions 
+whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of
+the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at 
+www.gutenberg.org.  If you are not located in the United States, you'll have
+to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook.
+
+
+
+
+Title: Behind the Bungalow
+
+
+Author: EHA
+
+
+
+Release Date: May 4, 2015  [eBook #7953]
+[This file was first posted on June 4, 2003]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII)
+
+
+***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BEHIND THE BUNGALOW***
+</pre>
+<p>Transcribed from the 1897 W. Thacker &amp; Co. by David Price,
+email ccx074@pglaf.org</p>
+<p style="text-align: center">
+<a href="images/coverb.jpg">
+<img alt=
+"Book cover"
+title=
+"Book cover"
+ src="images/covers.jpg" />
+</a></p>
+<p style="text-align: center">
+<a href="images/fpb.jpg">
+<img alt=
+"Frontispiece, &ldquo;Behind the Bungalow&rdquo;"
+title=
+"Frontispiece, &ldquo;Behind the Bungalow&rdquo;"
+ src="images/fps.jpg" />
+</a></p>
+<h1><span class="smcap">Behind the Bungalow</span></h1>
+<p style="text-align: center"><span class="smcap">By</span>
+EHA<br />
+<span class="GutSmall">AUTHOR OF &ldquo;THE TRIBES ON MY
+FRONTIER&rdquo;</span><br />
+<span class="GutSmall">&ldquo;A NATURALIST ON THE
+PROWL&rdquo;</span></p>
+
+<div class="gapspace">&nbsp;</div>
+<p style="text-align: center">Illustrated by<br />
+F. C. MACRAE</p>
+
+<div class="gapspace">&nbsp;</div>
+
+<div class="gapshortline">&nbsp;</div>
+<p style="text-align: center"><span class="GutSmall">SIXTH
+EDITION</span></p>
+
+<div class="gapshortline">&nbsp;</div>
+
+<div class="gapspace">&nbsp;</div>
+<p style="text-align: center">LONDON<br />
+W. <span class="smcap">Thacker</span> &amp; <span
+class="smcap">Co</span>., 2, <span class="smcap">Creed
+Lane</span>, E.C.<br />
+<span class="GutSmall">CALCUTTA: THACKER, SPINK &amp;
+CO.</span><br />
+<span class="GutSmall">1897</span></p>
+<p style="text-align: center">[<i>All rights reserved</i>]</p>
+<h2>PREFACE.</h2>
+<p><span class="smcap">These</span> papers appeared in the
+<i>Times of India</i>, and were written, of course, for the
+Bombay Presidency; but the Indian <i>Nowker</i> exhibits very
+much the same traits wherever he is found and under whatsoever
+name.</p>
+<h2><span class="smcap">Engaging a Boy</span>.</h2>
+<p>
+<a href="images/p1b.jpg">
+<img class='floatleft' alt=
+"Pictures of various Indian men"
+title=
+"Pictures of various Indian men"
+ src="images/p1s.jpg" />
+</a><span class="smcap">Extended</span>, six feet of me, over an
+ample easy-chair, in absolute repose of mind and body, soothed
+with a cup of tea which Canjee had ministered to me, comforted by
+the slippers which he had put on my feet in place of a heavy pair
+of boots which he had unlaced and taken away, feeling in charity
+with all mankind&mdash;from this standpoint I began to
+contemplate &ldquo;The Boy.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>What a wonderful provision of nature he is in this
+half-hatched civilization of ours, which merely distracts our
+energies by multiplying our needs and leaves us no better off
+than we were before we discovered them!&nbsp; He seems to have a
+natural aptitude for discerning, or even inventing, your wants
+and supplies them before you yourself are aware of them.&nbsp;
+While in his hands nothing petty invades you.&nbsp;
+Great-mindedness becomes possible.&nbsp; &ldquo;Magnanimus
+&AElig;neas&rdquo; must have had an excellent Boy.&nbsp; What is
+the history of the Boy?&nbsp; How and where did he
+originate?&nbsp; What is the derivation of his name?&nbsp; I have
+heard it traced to the Hindoostanee word <i>bhai</i>, a brother,
+but the usual attitude of the Anglo-Indian&rsquo;s mind towards
+his domestics does not give sufficient support to this.&nbsp; I
+incline to the belief that the word is of hybrid origin, having
+its roots in <i>bhoee</i>, a bearer, and drawing the tenderer
+shades of its meaning from the English word which it
+resembles.&nbsp; To this no doubt may be traced in part the
+master&rsquo;s disposition to regard his boy always as <i>in
+statu pupillari</i>.&nbsp; Perhaps he carries this view of the
+relationship too far, but the Boy, on the other hand, cheerfully
+regards him as <i>in loco parentis</i> and accepts much from him
+which he will not endure from a stranger.&nbsp; A cuff from his
+master (delivered in a right spirit) raises his dignity, but the
+same from a guest in the house wounds him terribly.&nbsp; He
+protests that it is &ldquo;not regulation.&rdquo;&nbsp; And in
+this happy spirit of filial piety he will live until his hair
+grows white and his hand shaky and his teeth fall out and service
+gives place to worship, <i>dulia</i> to <i>latria</i>, and the
+most revered idol among his <i>penates</i> is the photograph of
+his departed master.&nbsp; With a tear in his dim old eye he
+takes it from its shrine and unwraps the red handkerchief in
+which it is folded, while he tells of the virtues of the great
+and good man.&nbsp; He says there are no such masters in these
+days, and when you reply that there are no such servants either,
+he does not contradict you.&nbsp; Yet he may have been a sad
+young scamp when he began life as a dog-boy fifty-five years ago,
+and, on the other hand, it is not so impossible as it seems that
+the scapegrace for whose special behoof you keep a rattan on your
+hat-pegs may mellow into a most respectable and trustworthy old
+man, at least if he is happy enough to settle under a good
+master; for the Boy is often very much a reflection of the
+master.&nbsp; Often, but not always.&nbsp; Something depends on
+the grain of the material.&nbsp; There are Boys and Boys.&nbsp;
+There is a Boy with whom, when you get him, you can do nothing
+but dismiss him, and this is not a loss to him only, but to you,
+for every dismissal weakens your position.&nbsp; A man who parts
+lightly with his servants will never have a servant worth
+retaining.&nbsp; At the morning conference in the market, where
+masters are discussed over the soothing <i>beeree</i>, none holds
+so low a place as the <i>saheb</i> who has had eleven butlers in
+twelve months.&nbsp; Only loafers will take service with him, and
+he must pay even them highly.&nbsp; Believe me, the reputation
+that your service is permanent, like service under the
+<i>Sircar</i>, is worth many rupees a month in India.</p>
+<p>The engagement of a first Boy, therefore, is a momentous
+crisis, fraught with fat contentment and a good digestion, or
+with unrest, distraction, bad temper, and a ruined
+constitution.&nbsp; But, unfortunately, we approach this epoch in
+a condition of original ignorance.&nbsp; There is not even any
+guide or handbook of Boys which we may consult.&nbsp; The Griffin
+a week old has to decide for himself between not a dozen
+specimens, but a dozen types, all strange, and each differing
+from the other in dress, complexion, manner, and even
+language.&nbsp; As soon as it becomes known that the new
+<i>saheb</i> from England is in need of a Boy, the
+<i>lev&eacute;e</i> begins.&nbsp; First you are waited upon by a
+personage of imposing appearance.&nbsp; His broad and dignified
+face is ornamented with grey, well-trimmed whiskers.&nbsp; There
+is no lack of gold thread on his turban, an ample
+<i>cumberbund</i> envelopes his portly figure, and he wears
+canvas shoes.&nbsp; He left his walking-cane at the door.&nbsp;
+His testimonials are unexceptionable, mostly signed by mess
+secretaries; and he talks familiarly, in good English, of Members
+of Council.&nbsp; Everything is most satisfactory, and you
+inquire, timidly, what salary he would expect.&nbsp; He replies
+that that rests with your lordship: in his last appointment he
+had Rs. 35 a month, and a pony to ride to market.&nbsp; The
+situation is now very embarrassing.&nbsp; It is not only that you
+feel you are in the presence of a greater man than yourself, but
+that you know <i>he</i> feels it.&nbsp; By far the best way out
+of the difficulty is to accept your relative position, and tell
+him blandly that when you are a commissioner <i>saheb</i>, or a
+commander-in-chief, he shall be your head butler.&nbsp; He will
+understand you, and retire with a polite assurance that that day
+is not far distant.</p>
+<p>As soon as the result of this interview becomes known, a man
+of very black complexion offers his services.&nbsp; He has no
+shoes or <i>cumberbund</i>, but his coat is spotlessly
+white.&nbsp; His certificates are excellent, but signed by
+persons whom you have not met or heard of.&nbsp; They all speak
+of him as very hard-working and some say he is honest.&nbsp; His
+spotless dress will prepossess you if you do not understand
+it.&nbsp; Its real significance is that he had to go to the
+<i>dhobie</i> to fit himself for coming into your presence.&nbsp;
+This man&rsquo;s expectations as regards salary are most modest,
+and you are in much danger of engaging him, unless the hotel
+butler takes an opportunity of warning you earnestly that,
+&ldquo;This man not gentlyman&rsquo;s servant, sir!&nbsp; He
+sojer&rsquo;s servant!&rdquo;&nbsp; In truth, we occupy in India
+a double social position; that which belongs to us among our
+friends, and that which belongs to us in the market, in the
+hotel, or at the dinner table, by virtue of our servants.&nbsp;
+The former concerns our pride, but the latter concerns our
+comfort.&nbsp; Please yourself, therefore, in the choice of your
+personal friends and companions, but as regards your servants
+keep up your standard.</p>
+<p>The next who offers himself will probably be of the Goanese
+variety.&nbsp; He comes in a black coat, with continuations of
+checked jail cloth, and takes his hat off just before he enters
+the gate.&nbsp; He is said to be a Colonel in the Goa Militia,
+but it is impossible to guess his rank, as he always wears
+<i>muftie</i> in Bombay.&nbsp; He calls himself plain Mr.
+Querobino Floriano de Braganza.&nbsp; His testimonials are
+excellent; several of them say that he is a good tailor, which,
+to a bachelor, is a recommendation; and his expectations as
+regards his stipend are not immoderate.&nbsp; The only suspicious
+thing is that his services have been dispensed with on several
+occasions very suddenly without apparent reason.&nbsp; He sheds
+no light on this circumstance when you question him, but closer
+scrutiny of his certificates will reveal the fact that the
+convivial season of Christmas has a certain fatality for him.</p>
+<p>When he retires, you may have a call from a fine looking old
+follower of the Prophet.&nbsp; He is dressed in spotless white,
+with a white turban and white <i>cumberbund</i>; his beard would
+be as white as either if he had not dyed it rich orange.&nbsp; He
+also has lost his place very suddenly more than once, and on the
+last occasion without a certificate.&nbsp; When you ask him the
+cause of this, he explains, with a certain brief dignity, in good
+Hindoostanee, that there was some <i>tukrar</i> (disagreement)
+between him and one of the other servants, in which his master
+took the part of the other, and as his <i>abroo</i> (honour) was
+concerned, he resigned.&nbsp; He does not tell you that the
+<i>tukrar</i> in question culminated in his pursuing the cook
+round the compound with a carving-knife in his hand, after which
+he burst into the presence of the lady of the house,
+gesticulating with the same weapon, and informed her, in a heated
+manner, that he was quite prepared to cut the throats of all the
+servants, if honour required it.</p>
+<p>If none of the preceding please you, you shall have several
+varieties of the Soortee tribe anxious to take service with you;
+nice looking, clean men, with fair complexions.&nbsp; There will
+be the inevitable unfortunate whose house was burned to ashes two
+months ago, on which occasion he lost everything he had,
+including, of course, all his valuable certificates.&nbsp;
+Another will send in a budget dating from the troubled times of
+the mutiny.&nbsp; From them it will appear that he has served in
+almost every capacity and can turn his hand to anything, is
+especially good with children, cooks well, and knows English
+thoroughly, having been twice to England with his master.&nbsp;
+When this desirable man is summoned into your presence, you
+cannot help being startled to find how lightly age sits upon him;
+he looks like twenty-five.&nbsp; As for his knowledge of English,
+it must be latent, for he always falls back upon his own
+vernacular for purposes of conversation.&nbsp; You rashly charge
+him with having stolen his certificates, but he indignantly
+repels the insinuation.&nbsp; You find a discrepancy, however, in
+the name and press him still further, whereupon he retires from
+his first position to the extent of admitting that the papers,
+though rightfully his, were earned by his father.&nbsp; He does
+not seem to think this detracts much from their value.&nbsp;
+Others will come, with less pronounced characteristics, and,
+therefore, more perplexing.&nbsp; The Madrassee will be there,
+with his spherical turban and his wonderful command of colloquial
+English; he is supposed to know how to prepare that mysterious
+luxury, &ldquo;real Madras curry.&rdquo;&nbsp; Bengal servants
+are not common in Bombay, fortunately, for they would only add to
+the perplexity.&nbsp; The larger the series of specimens which
+you examine, the more difficult it becomes to decide to which of
+them all you should commit your happiness.&nbsp;
+&ldquo;Characters&rdquo; are a snare, for the master when parting
+with his Boy too often pays off arrears of charity in his
+certificate; and besides, the prudent Boy always has his papers
+read to him and eliminates anything detrimental to his
+interests.&nbsp; But there must be marks by which, if you were to
+study them closely, you might distinguish the occult qualities of
+Boys and divide them into genera and orders.&nbsp; The subject
+only wants its Linn&aelig;us.&nbsp; If ever I gird myself for my
+<i>magnum opus</i>, I am determined it shall be a
+&ldquo;Compendious Guide to the Classification of Indian
+Boys.&rdquo;</p>
+<h2><span class="smcap">The Boy at Home</span>.</h2>
+<p>
+<a href="images/p9b.jpg">
+<img class='floatleft' alt=
+"The boy and man"
+title=
+"The boy and man"
+ src="images/p9s.jpg" />
+</a><span class="smcap">Your</span> Boy is your <i>valet de
+chambre</i>, your butler, your tailor, your steward and general
+agent, your interpreter, or oriental translator and your
+treasurer.&nbsp; On assuming charge of his duties he takes steps
+first, in an unobtrusive way, to ascertain the amount of your
+income, both that he may know the measure of his dignity, and
+also that he may be able to form an estimate of what you ought to
+spend.&nbsp; This is a matter with which he feels he is
+officially concerned.&nbsp; Indeed, the arrangement which accords
+best with his own view of his position and responsibilities is
+that, as you draw your salary each month, you should make it over
+to him in full.&nbsp; Under this arrangement he has a tendency to
+grow rich, and, as a consequence, portly in his figure and
+consequential in his bearing, in return for which he will manage
+all your affairs without allowing you to be worried by the cares
+of life, supply all your wants, keep you in pocket money, and
+maintain your dignity on all occasions.&nbsp; If you have not a
+large enough soul to consent to this arrangement, he is not
+discouraged.&nbsp; He will still be your treasurer, meeting all
+your petty liabilities out of his own funds and coming to your
+aid when you find yourself without change.&nbsp; As far as my
+observations go, this is an infallible mark of a really
+respectable Boy, that he is never without money.&nbsp; At the end
+of the month he presents you a faithful account of his
+expenditure, the purport of which is plainly this, that since you
+did not hand over your salary to him at the beginning of the
+month, you are to do so now.&nbsp; Q.E.F.&nbsp; There is a
+mystery about these accounts which I have never been able to
+solve.&nbsp; The total is always, on the face of it, monstrous
+and not to be endured; but when you call your Boy up and prepare
+to discharge the bombshell of your indignation, he merely
+inquires in an unagitated tone of voice which item you find fault
+with, and you become painfully aware that you have not a leg to
+stand on.&nbsp; In the first place, most of the items are too
+minute to allow of much retrenchment.&nbsp; You can scarcely make
+sweeping reductions on such charges as:&mdash;&ldquo;Butons for
+master&rsquo;s trouser, 9 pies;&rdquo; &ldquo;Tramwei for going
+to market, 1 anna 6 pies;&rdquo; &ldquo;Grain to sparrow&rdquo;
+(canary seed!) &ldquo;1 anna 3 pies;&rdquo; &ldquo;Making white
+to master&rsquo;s hat, 5 pies.&rdquo;&nbsp; And when at last you
+find a charge big enough to lay hold of, the imperturbable man
+proceeds to explain how, in the case of that particular item, he
+was able, by the exercise of a little forethought, to save you 2
+annas and 3 pies.&nbsp; I have struggled against these accounts
+and know them.&nbsp; It is vain to be indignant.&nbsp; You must
+just pay the bill, and if you do not want another, you must make
+up your mind to be your own treasurer.&nbsp; You will fall in
+your Boy&rsquo;s estimation, but it does not follow that he will
+leave your service.&nbsp; The notion that every native servant
+makes a principle of saving the whole of his wages and remitting
+them monthly to Goa, or Nowsaree, is one of the ancient myths of
+Anglo-India.&nbsp; I do not mean to say that if you encourage
+your Boy to do this he will refuse; on the contrary, he likes
+it.&nbsp; But the ordinary Boy, I believe, is not a prey to
+ambition and, if he can find service to his mind, easily
+reconciles himself to living on his wages, or, as he terms it, in
+the practical spirit of oriental imagery, &ldquo;eating&rdquo;
+them.&nbsp; The conditions he values seem to
+be,&mdash;permanence, respectful treatment, immunity from kicks
+and cuffs and from abuse, especially in his own tongue, and,
+above all, a quiet life, without <i>kitkit</i>, which may be
+vulgarly translated, nagging.&nbsp; He considers his situation
+with regard to these conditions, he considers also his pay and
+prospect of unjust emoluments, with a judicial mind he balances
+the one against the other, and if he works patiently on, it is
+because the balance is in his favour.&nbsp; I am satisfied that
+it is an axiom of domestic economy in India that the treatment
+which you mete out to your Boy has a definite money value.&nbsp;
+Ill-usage of him is a luxury like any other, paid for by those
+who enjoy it, not to be had otherwise.</p>
+<p>There is one other thing on which he sets his childish
+heart.&nbsp; He likes service with a master who is in some sort a
+<i>burra saheb</i>.&nbsp; He is by nature a hero
+worshipper&mdash;and master is his natural hero.&nbsp; The
+saying, that no man is a hero to his own valet, has no
+application here.&nbsp; In India, if you are not a hero to your
+own Boy, I should say, without wishing to be unpleasant, that the
+probabilities are against your being a hero to anybody.&nbsp; It
+is very difficult for us, with our notions, to enter into the
+Boy&rsquo;s beautiful idea of the relationship which subsists
+between him and master.&nbsp; To get at it at all we must realize
+that no shade of radicalism has ever crossed his social
+theory.&nbsp; &ldquo;Liberty, Equality, and Fraternity&rdquo; is
+a monstrous conception, to which he would not open his mind if he
+could.&nbsp; He sees that the world contains masters and
+servants, and doubts not that the former were provided for the
+accommodation of the latter.&nbsp; His fate having made him a
+servant, his master is the foundation on which he stands.&nbsp;
+Everything, therefore, which relates to the well-being, and
+especially to the reputation, of his master, is a personal
+concern of his own.&nbsp; <i>Per contra</i>, he does not forget
+that he is the ornament of his master.&nbsp; I had a Boy once
+whom I retained chiefly as a curiosity, for I believe he had the
+smallest adult human head in heathendom.&nbsp; He appeared before
+me one day with that minute organ surmounted by a gorgeous turban
+of purple and gold, which he informed me had cost about a
+month&rsquo;s pay.&nbsp; Now I knew that his brain was never
+equal to the management of his own affairs, so that he was always
+in pecuniary straits, but he anticipated my curiosity by
+informing me that he had raised the necessary funds by pawning
+his wife&rsquo;s bangles.&nbsp; Unthinkingly I reproached him,
+and then I saw, coming over his countenance, the bitter
+expression of one who has met with rebuff when he looked for
+sympathy.&nbsp; Arranging himself in his proudest attitude, he
+exclaimed, &ldquo;Saheb, is it not for your glory?&nbsp; When
+strangers see me will they not ask, &lsquo;Whose servant is
+that?&rdquo;&rsquo;&nbsp; Living always under the influence of
+this spirit, the Boy never loses an opportunity of enforcing your
+importance, and his own as your representative.&nbsp; When you
+are staying with friends, he gives the butler notice of your
+tastes.&nbsp; If tea is made for breakfast, he demands coffee or
+cocoa; if jam is opened, he will try to insist upon
+marmalade.&nbsp; At an hotel he orders special dishes.&nbsp; When
+you buy a horse or a carriage, he discovers defects in it, and is
+gratified if he can persuade you to return it and let people see
+that you are not to be imposed upon or trifled with.&nbsp; He
+delights to keep creditors and mean men waiting at the door until
+it shall be your pleasure to see them.&nbsp; But it is only
+justice to say that it will be your own fault if this disposition
+is not tempered with something of a purer feeling, a kind of
+filial regard and even reverence&mdash;if reverence is at all
+possible&mdash;under the influence of which he will take a kindly
+interest in your health and comfort.&nbsp; When your wife is
+away, he seems to feel a special responsibility, and my
+friend&rsquo;s Boy, when warning his master against an
+unwholesome luxury, would enforce his words with the gentle
+admonition, &ldquo;Missis never allowing, sir.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>It is this way of regarding himself and his master which makes
+the Boy generally such a faithful servant; but he often has a
+sort of spurious conscience, too, growing out of the fond pride
+with which he cherishes his good name, so that you do not strain
+the truth to say that he is strictly honest.&nbsp; Veracity is
+the point on which he is weakest, but even in this there are
+exceptions.&nbsp; My last Boy was curiously scrupulous about the
+truth, and would rarely tell a lie, even to shield himself from
+blame, though he would do so to get the <i>hamal</i> into a
+scrape.</p>
+<p>I regret to say that the Boy has flaws.&nbsp; His memory is a
+miracle; but just once in a way, when you are dining at the club,
+he lays out your clothes nicely without a collar.&nbsp; He sends
+you off on an excursion to Matheran, and packs your box in his
+neat way; but instead of putting one complete sleeping suit, he
+puts in the upper parts of two, without the nether and more
+necessary portions.&nbsp; It is irritating to discover, when you
+are dressing in a hurry, that he has put your studs into the
+upper flap of your shirt front; but I am not sure it does not try
+your patience more to find out, as you brush your teeth, that he
+has replenished your tooth-powder box from a bottle of
+Gregory&rsquo;s mixture.&nbsp; But Dhobie day is his
+opportunity.&nbsp; He first delivers the soiled clothes by tale,
+diving into each pocket to see if you have left rupees in it; but
+he sends a set of studs to be washed.&nbsp; Then he sits down to
+execute repairs.&nbsp; He has an assorted packet of metal and
+cotton buttons beside him, from which he takes at random.&nbsp;
+He finishes with your socks, which he skilfully darns with white
+thread, and contemplates the piebald effect with much
+satisfaction; after which he puts them up in little balls, each
+containing a pair of different colours.&nbsp; Finally he will
+arrange all the clean clothes in the drawer on a principle of his
+own, the effect of which will find its final development in your
+temper when you go in haste for a handkerchief.&nbsp; I suspect
+there is often an explanation of these things which we do not
+think of.&nbsp; The poor Boy has other things on his mind besides
+your clothes.&nbsp; He has a wife, or two, and children, and they
+are not with him.&nbsp; His child sickens and dies, or his wife
+runs away with someone else, and carries off all the jewellery in
+which he invested his savings; but he goes about his work in
+silence, and we only remark that he has been unusually stupid the
+last few days.</p>
+<p>So much for the Boy in general.&nbsp; As for your own
+particular Boy, he must be a very exceptional specimen if he has
+not persuaded you long since that, though Boys in general are a
+rascally lot, you have been singularly fortunate in yours.</p>
+<p style="text-align: center">
+<a href="images/p16b.jpg">
+<img alt=
+"To Matheran!"
+title=
+"To Matheran!"
+ src="images/p16s.jpg" />
+</a></p>
+<h2><span class="smcap">The Dog-boy</span>.</h2>
+<p>
+<a href="images/p17b.jpg">
+<img class='floatleft' alt=
+"A dog boy"
+title=
+"A dog boy"
+ src="images/p17s.jpg" />
+</a><span class="smcap">In</span> Bombay it is not enough to fit
+yourself with a Boy: your dog requires a Boy too.&nbsp; I have
+always felt an interest in the smart little race of Bombay
+dog-boys.&nbsp; As a corps, they go on with little change from
+year to year, but individually they are of short duration, and
+the question naturally arises, What becomes of them all when they
+outgrow their dog-boyhood?&nbsp; From such observations as I have
+been able to make, I believe the dog-boy is not a species by
+himself, but represents the early, or larva, stage of several
+varieties of domestic servants.&nbsp; The clean little man, in
+neat print jacket and red velveteen cap, is the young of a
+butler; while another, whom nothing can induce to keep himself
+clean, would probably, if you reared him, turn into a
+<i>ghorawalla</i>.&nbsp; There are others, in appearance
+intermediate, who are the offspring of <i>hamals</i> and
+<i>mussals</i>.&nbsp; These at a later stage become
+<i>coolies</i>, going to market in the morning, fetching ice and
+soda-water, and so on, until they mature into <i>hamals</i> and
+<i>mussals</i> themselves.&nbsp; Like all larv&aelig;, dog-boys
+eat voraciously and grow rapidly.&nbsp; You engage a little
+fellow about a cubit high, and for a time he does not seem to
+change at all; then one morning you notice that his legs have
+come out half a yard or more from his pantaloons, and soon your
+bright little page is a gawky, long-limbed lout, who comes to ask
+for leave that he may go to his country and get married.&nbsp; If
+you do not give it he will take it, and no doubt you are well rid
+of him, for the intellect in these people ripens about the age of
+fourteen or fifteen, and after that the faculty of learning
+anything new stops, and general intelligence declines.&nbsp; At
+any rate, when once your boy begins to grow long and weedy, his
+days as a dog-boy are ended.&nbsp; He will pass through a
+chrysalis stage in his country, or somewhere else, and after a
+time emerge in his mature form, in which he will still remember
+you, and <i>salaam</i> to you when he meets you on the
+road.&nbsp; If he left your service in disgrace, he is so much
+the more punctilious in observing this ceremony, which is not an
+expression of gratitude, but merely an assertion of his right to
+public recognition at your hands, as one who had the honour of
+eating your salt.&nbsp; I am certain an Oriental <i>salaam</i> is
+essentially a claim rather than a tribute.&nbsp; For this reason
+your peons, as they stand in line to receive you at your office
+door, are very careful not to <i>salaam</i> all at once, lest you
+might think one promiscuous recognition sufficient for all.&nbsp;
+The havildar, or naik, as is his right, salutes first, and then
+the rest follow with sufficient interval to allow you to
+recognise each one separately.&nbsp; I have met some men with
+such lordly souls that they would not condescend to acknowledge
+the salutations of menials; but you gain nothing by this kind of
+pride in India.&nbsp; They only conclude that you are not an
+<i>asl</i>, or born, <i>saheb</i>, and rejoice that at any rate
+you cannot take away their right to do obeisance to you.&nbsp;
+And you cannot.&nbsp; Your very <i>bhunghie</i> does you a
+pompous salutation in public places, and you have no redress.</p>
+<p>The dog-boy&rsquo;s primary duties are to feed, tend and wash
+his charge, and to take it for a walk morning and evening; but he
+is active and very acute, and many other duties fall naturally to
+him.&nbsp; It seems hard that he should come under the yoke so
+early, but we must not approach such subjects with Western
+ideas.&nbsp; The exuberant spirits of boyhood are not indigenous
+to this country, and the dog-boy has none of them.&nbsp; He never
+does mischief for mischief&rsquo;s sake; he robs no bird&rsquo;s
+nest; he feels no impulse to trifle with the policeman.&nbsp;
+Marbles are his principal pastime.&nbsp; He puts the thumb of his
+left hand to the ground and discharges his taw from the point of
+his second finger, bending it back till it touches the back of
+the hand and then letting it off like a steel spring.&nbsp; Then
+he follows up on all fours, with the action of a monsoon frog in
+pursuit of a fugitive ant.&nbsp; But liberty and the pride of an
+independent position amply compensate any high-souled dog-boy for
+the loss of his few amusements.</p>
+<p>I have said that the dog-boy never does mischief for its own
+sake.&nbsp; He would as soon do his duty for its own sake.&nbsp;
+The motive is not sufficient.&nbsp; You shall not find him
+refusing to do any mischief which tends to his own
+advantage.&nbsp; I grieve to say it, for I have leanings towards
+the dog-boy, but there is in him a vein of unsophisticated
+depravity, which issues from the rock of his nature like a clear
+spring that no stirrings of conscience or shame have rendered
+turbid.&nbsp; His face, it is simple and childlike, and he has
+the most innocent eye, but he tells any lie which the occasion
+demands with a freedom from embarrassment which at a later age
+will be impossible to him.&nbsp; He stands his ground, too, under
+any fire of cross-examination.&nbsp; The rattan would dislodge
+him, but unfortunately his guileless countenance too often
+shields him from this searching and wholesome instrument.&nbsp;
+When he is sent for a hack buggy and returns after half-an-hour,
+with a perplexed face, saying that there is not one to be had
+anywhere, who would suspect that he has been holding an auction
+at the nearest stand, dwelling on the liberality and wealth of
+his master and the distance to which his business that morning
+will take him, and that, when he found no one would bid up to his
+reserve, he remained firm and came away.&nbsp; Perhaps I seem
+hard on the dog-boy, but my experience has not been a happy
+one.&nbsp; My first seemed to be an average specimen, moderately
+clean and well-behaved; but he was not satisfied with his
+wages.&nbsp; He assured me that they did not suffice to fill his
+stomach.&nbsp; I told him that I thought it would be his
+father&rsquo;s duty for some years yet to feed and clothe him,
+but his young face grew very sad and he answered softly, &ldquo;I
+have no father.&rdquo;&nbsp; So I took pity on him and raised his
+pay, at the same time assuring him that, if he behaved himself, I
+would take care of him.&nbsp; His principal duty was to take the
+faithful Hubshee for a walk morning and evening, and when he
+returned he would tell me where he had gone and how he had
+avoided consorting with other dog-boys and their dogs.&nbsp; When
+matters had gone on in this satisfactory way for some time, I
+happened to take an unusual walk one evening, and I came suddenly
+on a company of very lively little boys engaged in a most
+exciting game.&nbsp; Their shouts and laughter mingled with the
+doleful howls of a dozen dogs which were closely chained in a
+long row to a railing, and among them I had no difficulty in
+recognising my Hubshee.&nbsp; Suffice it to say that my dog-boy
+returned next day to his father, who proved to be in service next
+door.&nbsp; He was succeeded by a smart little fellow,
+well-dressed and scrupulously clean, but quite above his
+profession.&nbsp; It seemed absurd to expect him to wash a dog,
+so, on the demise of his grandmother, or some other suitable
+occasion, he left me to find more congenial service elsewhere as
+a dressing-boy.&nbsp; My next was a charity boy, the son of an
+ancient <i>ghorawalla</i>.&nbsp; His father had been a faithful
+servant, and as regards domestic discipline, no one could say he
+spared the rod and spoiled the child.&nbsp; On the contrary, as
+Shelley, I think, expresses it,</p>
+<blockquote><p>&ldquo;He spoilt the rod and did not spare the
+child.&rdquo;</p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>But if my last Boy had been above his work, this one proved to
+be below it.&nbsp; You could not easily have disinfected any dog
+which he had been allowed to handle.&nbsp; I tried to cure him,
+but nothing short of boiling in dilute carbolic acid would have
+purified him, and even then the effect would, I feel sure, have
+been only temporary.&nbsp; So he returned to his stable litter
+and I engaged another.&nbsp; This was a sturdy little man, with a
+fine, honest-looking face.&nbsp; He had a dash of Negro blood in
+him, and wore a most picturesque head-dress.&nbsp; In fact I felt
+that, &aelig;sthetically, he raised the tone of my house.&nbsp;
+He was hardworking, too, and would do anything he was told, so
+that I seemed to have nothing to wish for now but that he might
+not grow old too soon.&nbsp; But, alas!&nbsp; I started on an
+excursion one night, leaving him in charge of my birds.&nbsp; He
+promised to attend to them faithfully, and having seen me off,
+started on an excursion of his own, from which he did not get
+back till three o&rsquo;clock next day.&nbsp; I arrived at the
+same moment and he saw me.&nbsp; Quick as thought he raced
+upstairs, flung the windows open and began to pull the covers off
+the bird-cages; but I came in before the operation could be
+finished.&nbsp; In the interests of common morality I thought it
+best to eject him from the premises before he had time to frame a
+lie.&nbsp; About a week after this I received a petition, signed
+with his mark, recounting his faithful services, expressing his
+surprise and regret at the sudden and unprovoked manner in which
+I had dismissed him, and insinuating that some enemy or rival had
+poisoned my benevolent mind against him.&nbsp; He concluded by
+demanding satisfaction.&nbsp; I wonder what has become of him
+since.</p>
+<p>I have said that there is a vein of depravity in the dog-boy,
+but there must be a compensating vein of worth of some kind, an
+Ormuzd which in the end often triumphs over Ahriman.&nbsp; The
+influences among which he developes do little for him.&nbsp; At
+home he is certainly subject to a certain rugged discipline; his
+mother throws stones at him when she is angry, and his father,
+when he can catch him, gives him a cudgeling to be
+remembered.&nbsp; But when he leaves the parental roof he passes
+from all this and is left to himself.&nbsp; Some masters treat
+him in a parental spirit and chastise him when he deserves it,
+and the Boy tyrannizes over him and twists his ear, but on the
+whole he grows as a tree grows.&nbsp; And yet how often he
+matures into a most respectable and trustworthy man!</p>
+<p style="text-align: center">
+<a href="images/p24b.jpg">
+<img alt=
+"Dog-boys"
+title=
+"Dog-boys"
+ src="images/p24s.jpg" />
+</a></p>
+<h2><span class="smcap">The Ghorawalla</span>, <span
+class="smcap">or Syce</span>.</h2>
+<p>
+<a href="images/p25b.jpg">
+<img class='floatleft' alt=
+"The Ghorawalla"
+title=
+"The Ghorawalla"
+ src="images/p25s.jpg" />
+</a>A <span class="smcap">boy</span> for yourself, a boy for your
+dog, then a man for your horse; that is the usual order of
+trouble.&nbsp; Of course the horse itself precedes the
+horse-keeper, but then I do not reckon the buying of a horse
+among life&rsquo;s troubles, rather among its luxuries.&nbsp; It
+combines all the subtle pleasures of shopping with a turbid
+excitement which is its own.&nbsp; From the moment when you first
+start from the breakfast-table at the sound of hoofs, and find
+the noble animal at the door, arching his neck and champing his
+bit, as if he felt proud to bear that other animal, bandy-legged,
+mendacious, and altogether ignoble who sits jauntily on his back,
+down to the moment when you walk round to the stable for a little
+quiet enjoyment of the sense of ownership, there is a high tide
+of mental elation running through the days.&nbsp; Then the
+<i>Ghorawalla</i> supervenes.</p>
+<p>The first symptom of him is an indent for certain articles
+which he asserts to be absolutely necessary before he can enter
+on his professional duties.&nbsp; These are a <i>jhule</i>,
+<i>baldee</i>, <i>tobra</i>, <i>mora</i>, <i>booroos</i>,
+<i>bagdoor</i>, <i>agadee</i>, <i>peechadee</i>, <i>curraree</i>,
+<i>hathalee</i>, &amp;c.&nbsp; It is not very rational to be
+angry, for most of the articles, if not all, are really
+required.&nbsp; Several of them, indeed, are only ropes, for the
+<i>Ghorawalla</i>, or syce, as they call him on the other side of
+India, gives every bit of cordage about his beast a separate
+name, as a sailor describes the rigging of a ship.&nbsp; But the
+fact remains that there is something peculiarly irritating in
+this first indent.&nbsp; Perhaps one feels, after buying and
+paying for a whole horse, that he might in decency have been
+allowed to breathe before being asked to pay again.&nbsp; If this
+is it, the sooner the delusion is dissipated the better.&nbsp;
+You will never have respite from payments while an active-minded
+syce remains on your staff.&nbsp; You think you have fitted him
+out with everything the heart of syce can desire, and he goes
+away seemingly happy, and commences work at once, hissing like
+twenty biscobras as he throws himself against the horse, and
+works his arms from wrist to elbow into its ribs.&nbsp; It looks
+as if it would like to turn round and take a small piece out of
+his hinder parts with its teeth, but its nose is tied up to the
+roof of the stable, and its hind feet are pulled out and tied to
+a peg behind it, so that it can only writhe and cultivate that
+amiable temper which characterizes so many horses in this
+country.&nbsp; And the syce is happy; but his happiness needs
+constant sustenance.&nbsp; Next morning he is at the door with a
+request for an anna to buy oil.&nbsp; Horses in this country
+cannot sleep without a night-light.&nbsp; They are afraid of
+rats, I suppose, like ladies.&nbsp; However, it is a small
+demand; all the syce&rsquo;s demands are small, so are
+mosquitoes.&nbsp; Next day he again wants an anna for oil, but
+this has nothing to do with the other.&nbsp; Yesterday&rsquo;s
+was one sort of oil for burning, this is another sort of oil for
+cleaning the bits.&nbsp; To-morrow he will require a third sort
+of oil for softening the leather nose-bag, and the oils of the
+country will not be exhausted then.&nbsp; Among the varied
+street-cries of Bombay, the &ldquo;<i>I-scream</i>&rdquo; man,
+the <i>tala-chavee-walla</i>, the <i>botlee-walla</i>, the
+vendors of greasy sweetmeats and <i>bawlee-sugah</i>, the legion
+of <i>borahs</i>, and that abominable little imp who issues from
+the newspaper offices, and walks the streets, yelling
+&ldquo;Telleecram! tellee-c-r-a-a-m!&rdquo; among them all there
+is one voice so penetrating, and so awakening where it
+penetrates, that&mdash;that I cannot find a fitting conclusion to
+this sentence.&nbsp; Who of us has not started at that shrill
+squeal of pain, &ldquo;Nee-ee-ee-ttile!&rdquo;&nbsp; The
+<i>Ghorawalla</i> watches for it, and stopping the good-natured
+woman, brings her in and submits a request for a bottle of
+neat&rsquo;s foot oil, for want of which your harness is going to
+destruction.&nbsp; She has blacking as well as oil, but he will
+call her in for that afterwards.&nbsp; He never concludes two
+transactions in one day.&nbsp; When he has succeeded in reducing
+you to such a state of irritability that it is not safe to
+mention money in your presence, he stops at once and changes
+tactics.&nbsp; He brings the horse to the door with a thick layer
+of dust on the saddle and awaits your onset with the intrepid
+inquiry, &ldquo;Can a saddle be kept clean without
+soap?&rdquo;&nbsp; I suppose a time will come when he will have
+got every article he can possibly use, and it is natural to hope
+that he will then be obliged to leave you.&nbsp; But this also is
+a delusion.&nbsp; On the contrary, his resources only begin to
+develop themselves when he has got all he wants.&nbsp; First one
+of the leather things on the horse&rsquo;s hind feet gives way
+and has to be cobbled, then a rope wears out and must be
+replaced, then a buckle gets loose and wants a stitch.&nbsp; But
+his chief reliance is on the headstall and the nose-bag.&nbsp;
+When these have got well into use, one or other of them may be
+counted on to give way about every other day, and when nothing of
+the original article is left, the patches of which it is composed
+keep on giving way.&nbsp; Each repair costs from one to three
+pice, and it puzzles one to conceive what benefit a well-paid
+groom can derive from being the broker in such petty
+transactions.&nbsp; But all the details of life in this country
+are microscopical, not only among the poor, but among those whose
+business is conducted in lakhs.&nbsp; I have been told of a
+certain well-known, wealthy mill-owner who, when a water Brahmin
+at a railway station had supplied him and all his attendants with
+drinking-water, was seen to fumble in his waistband, and reward
+the useful man with one copper pie.&nbsp; A pie at present rates
+of exchange is worth about 47/128 of a farthing, and it is
+instructive to note that emergency, when it came, found this
+Cr&oelig;sus provided with such a coin.</p>
+<p style="text-align: center">
+<a href="images/p29b.jpg">
+<img alt=
+"Losing their heads"
+title=
+"Losing their heads"
+ src="images/p29s.jpg" />
+</a></p>
+<p>Now it is evident that if the syce can extort two pice from
+you for repairs and get the work done for five pies, one clear
+pie will adhere to his glutinous palm.&nbsp; I do not assert that
+this is what happens, for I know nothing about it.&nbsp; All I
+maintain is that there is no hypothesis which will satisfactorily
+explain all the facts, unless you admit the general principle
+that the syce derives advantage of some kind from the
+manipulation of the smallest copper coin.&nbsp; One notable
+phenomenon which this principle helps to explain is the
+syce&rsquo;s anxiety to have his horse shod on the due date every
+month.&nbsp; If the shoes are put on so atrociously that they
+stick for more than a month, I suspect he considers it
+professional to help them off.</p>
+<p>Horses in this country are fed mostly on &ldquo;gram,&rdquo;
+<i>cicer arietinum</i>, a kind of pea, which, when split, forms
+<i>dall</i>, and can be made into a most nutritious and palatable
+curry.&nbsp; The <i>Ghorawalla</i> recognises this fact.&nbsp; If
+he is modest, you may be none the wiser, perhaps none the worse;
+but if he is not, then his horse will grow lean, while he grows
+stout.&nbsp; How to obviate this result is indeed the main
+problem which the syce presents, and many are the ways in vogue
+of trying to solve it.&nbsp; One way is to have the horse fed in
+your presence, you doing butler and watching him feed.&nbsp;
+Another is to play upon the caste feelings of the syce, defiling
+the horse&rsquo;s food in some way.&nbsp; I believe the editor of
+the <i>Aryan Trumpet</i> considers this a violation of the
+Queen&rsquo;s proclamation, and, in any case, it is a futile
+device.&nbsp; It may work with the haughty <i>Purdaisee</i>, but
+suppose your <i>Ghorawalla</i> is a <i>Mahar</i>, whose caste is
+a good way below that of his horse?&nbsp; I have nothing to do
+with any of these devices.&nbsp; I establish a compact with my
+man, the unwritten conditions of which are, that I pay him his
+wages, and supply a proper quantity of provender, while he, on
+his part, must see that his horse is always fat enough to work,
+and himself lean enough to run.&nbsp; If he cannot do this, I
+propose to find someone who can.&nbsp; Once he comes to a clear
+understanding of this treaty, and especially of its last clause,
+he will give little trouble.&nbsp; As some atonement for worrying
+you so much about the accoutrements, the <i>Ghorawalla</i> is
+very careful not to disturb you about the horse.&nbsp; If the
+saddle galls it, or its hoof cracks, he suppresses the fact, and
+experiments upon the ailment with his own &ldquo;vernacular
+medicines,&rdquo; as the Baboo called them.&nbsp; When these
+fail, and the case is almost past cure, he mentions it casually,
+as an unfortunate circumstance which has come to his
+notice.&nbsp; There are a few things, only a few, which make me
+feel homicidal, and this is one of them.</p>
+<p>I cannot find the bright side of the syce: perhaps I am not in
+a humour to see it.&nbsp; Looking back down a long avenue of
+Gunnoos, Tookarams, Raghoos, Mahadoos and others whose names even
+have grown dim, I discern only a monotony of provocation.&nbsp;
+The fine figure of old Bindaram stands out as an exception, but
+then he was a coachman, and the coachman is to the
+<i>Ghorawalla</i>, what cream is to skim milk.&nbsp; The
+unmitigated <i>Ghorawalla</i> is a sore disease, one of those
+forms of suffering which raise the question whether our modern
+civilization is anything but a great spider, spinning a web of
+wants and their accompanying worries over the world and
+entangling us all, that it may suck our life-blood out.&nbsp; In
+justice I will admit that, as a runner, the thoroughbred Mahratta
+<i>Ghorawalla</i> has no peer in the animal kingdom.&nbsp; A
+sporting friend and I once engaged in a steeple-chase with two of
+them.&nbsp; I was mounted on a great Cape horse, my friend on a
+wiry countrybred, and the men on their own proper legs, curious
+looking limbs without any flesh on them, only shiny black leather
+stretched over bones.&nbsp; The goal was <i>bakshees</i>, twelve
+miles away.&nbsp; The ground at first favoured them, consisting
+of rice fields, along the <i>bunds</i> of which they ran like
+cats on a wall.&nbsp; Then we came to more open country and got
+well ahead, but at the last mile they put on the most splendid
+spurt I ever saw, and won by a hundred lengths.</p>
+<p>It is also only justice to say that we do not give the
+<i>Ghorawalla</i> fair play.&nbsp; We artificialise him, dress
+him according to our tastes, conform him to our notions, cramp
+his ingenuity, and quench his affections.&nbsp; The
+<i>Ghorawalla</i> in his native state is no more like our
+domesticated Pandoo than the wild ass of Cutch is like the
+costermonger&rsquo;s moke.&nbsp; We will have him like our own
+saddlery, plain and businesslike, but he is by nature like his
+national horse gear, ornamental, and if you let him alone, will
+effloresce in a red <i>fez</i> cap, with tassel, and a waistcoat
+of green baize.&nbsp; In such a guise he feels worthy to tend a
+piebald horse, caparisoned in crimson silk, with a tight
+martingale of red and yellow cord.&nbsp; He can take an interest
+in such a horse, and will himself educate it to walk on its hind
+legs and paw the air with its forefeet, or to progress at a royal
+amble, lifting both feet on one side at the same time, so that
+its body moves as steadily as if on wheels, and, to use the
+expressive language of a Brahmin friend of mine, the water in
+your stomach is not shaken.&nbsp; He will feed it with balls of
+<i>ghee</i> and <i>jagree</i>, that it may become rotund and
+sleek, he will shampoo its legs after hard work, and address it
+as &ldquo;my son.&rdquo;&nbsp; If it is disobedient, he will
+chastise it by plunging his knee into his stomach, and if it
+acquits itself well, he will plait its mane and dye the tip of
+its tail magenta.&nbsp; This loving relationship between him and
+his beast extends even to religion, and the horse enjoys the
+Hindoo festivals.&nbsp; During the Dussera it does not work, but
+comes to the door, festooned with garlands of marigold, and
+expects a rupee.</p>
+<p>The coachman is to the <i>Ghorawalla</i> what cream is to skim
+milk, that is if you consider his substance.&nbsp; As regards his
+art he is a foreign product altogether, and I take little
+interest in him.&nbsp; There is an indigenous art of driving in
+this country, the driving of the bullock, but that is a great
+subject.</p>
+<p style="text-align: center">
+<a href="images/p34b.jpg">
+<img alt=
+"Man and woman with Ghorawalla"
+title=
+"Man and woman with Ghorawalla"
+ src="images/p34s.jpg" />
+</a></p>
+<h2><span class="smcap">Bootlair Saheb</span>&mdash;<span
+class="smcap"><i>anglic&egrave;</i></span>, <span
+class="smcap">THE Butler</span>.</h2>
+<p>
+<a href="images/p35b.jpg">
+<img class='floatleft' alt=
+"The Bootlair saheb"
+title=
+"The Bootlair saheb"
+ src="images/p35s.jpg" />
+</a><span class="smcap">Some</span> dogs, when they hear a
+fiddle, are forced to turn over on their backs and howl; some are
+unmoved by music.&nbsp; So some men are tortured by every
+violation of symmetry, while some cannot discern a straight
+line.&nbsp; I belong to the former class, and my Butler belongs
+to the latter.&nbsp; He <i>would</i> lay the table in a way which
+almost gave me a crick in neck, and certainly dislocated my
+temper, and he would not see that there was anything wrong.&nbsp;
+I reasoned with him, for he is an intelligent man.&nbsp; I
+pointed out to him, in his own vernacular, that the knives and
+forks were not parallel, that the four dishes formed a trapezium,
+and that the cruet, taken with any two of the salt cellars, made
+a scalene triangle; in short, that there was not one
+parallelogram, or other regular figure, on the table.&nbsp; At
+last a gleam of light passed over his countenance.&nbsp; Yes, he
+understood it all; it was very simple; henceforth I should find
+everything straight.&nbsp; And here is the result!&nbsp; He has
+arranged everything with the utmost regularity, guiding himself
+by the creases in the tablecloth; but, unfortunately, he began by
+laying the cloth itself slantwise; consequently, I find myself
+with my back to one corner of the room and my face to another,
+and cannot get rid of the feeling that everything on the table is
+slightly the worse for liquor.&nbsp; And the Butler is in
+despair.&nbsp; What on earth, he thinks, can be wrong now?&nbsp;
+He evidently gives it up, and so do I.</p>
+<p>I have already treated of the Boy, and to devote another
+chapter to the Butler may seem like making a distinction where
+there is no difference; but there is in reality a radical
+difference between the two offices, which is this, that your Boy
+looks after you, whereas your Butler looks after the other
+servants, and you look after him; at least, I hope you do.&nbsp;
+From this it follows that the Boy flourishes only in the free
+atmosphere of bachelordom.&nbsp; If master marries, the Boy
+sometimes becomes a Butler, but I have generally seen that the
+change was fatal to him.&nbsp; He feels a share at first in
+master&rsquo;s happiness on the auspicious occasion, and begins
+to fit on his new dignity.&nbsp; He provides himself with a more
+magnificent <i>cumberbund</i>, enlarges the border of gold thread
+on his puggree, and furbishes up his English that he may converse
+pleasantly with <i>mem saheb</i>.&nbsp; He orders about the other
+servants with a fuller voice than before, and when anyone calls
+for a chair, he no longer brings one himself, but commands the
+<i>hamal</i> to do so.&nbsp; He feels supremely happy!&nbsp;
+Alas! before the <i>mem saheb</i> has been many weeks in the
+house, the change of air begins to disagree with him&mdash;not
+with his body, but with his spirit, and though he may bear up
+against it for a time, he sooner or later asks leave to go to his
+country.&nbsp; His new mistress is nothing loth to be rid of him,
+nor master either, for even his countenance is changed; and so
+the Butler&rsquo;s brief reign comes to an end, and he departs,
+deploring the unhappy match his master has made.&nbsp; Why could
+not so liberal and large-minded a <i>saheb</i> remain unmarried,
+and continue to cast the shadow of his benevolence on those who
+were so happy as to eat his salt, instead of taking to himself a
+<i>madam</i>, under whom there is no peace night or day?&nbsp; As
+he sits with his unemployed friends seeking the consolation of
+the never-failing <i>beeree</i>, the ex-butler narrates her
+ladyship&rsquo;s cantankerous ways, how she eternally fidgeted
+over a little harmless dust about the corners of the furniture,
+as if it was not the nature of dust to settle on furniture; how
+she would have window panes washed which had never been washed
+before; her meanness in inquiring about the consumption of oil
+and milk and firewood, matters which the <i>saheb</i> had never
+stooped to look into; and her unworthy and insulting practice of
+locking up stores, and doling them out day by day, not to mention
+having the cow milked in her presence: all which made him so
+ashamed in the presence of the other servants that his life
+became bitter, and he was forced to ask for his <i>ruzza</i>.</p>
+<p>Lalla, sitting next to him, remarks that no doubt one person
+is of one disposition and another of another disposition.&nbsp;
+&ldquo;If it had been my destiny to remain in the service of
+Colonel Balloonpeel, all my days would have passed in peace; but
+he went to England when he got his <i>pencil</i>.&nbsp; Who can
+describe the calmness and goodness of his <i>madam</i>.&nbsp; She
+never asked a question.&nbsp; She put the keys in the
+Butler&rsquo;s hand, and if he asked for money she gave it.&nbsp;
+But one person is of one disposition and another is of another
+disposition.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;That is true,&rdquo; replies the ex-butler, &ldquo;but
+the <i>sahebs</i> are better than the <i>mem sahebs</i>.&nbsp;
+The <i>sahebs</i> are hot and get angry sometimes, but under them
+a man can live and eat a mouthful of bread.&nbsp; With the <i>mem
+sahebs</i> it is nothing but worry, worry, worry.&nbsp; Why is
+this so dirty?&nbsp; Who broke that plate?&nbsp; When was that
+glass cracked?&nbsp; Alas! why do the <i>sahebs</i> marry such
+women?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Old Ramjee then withdraws his <i>beeree</i> from his mouth and
+sheds light on the subject.&nbsp; &ldquo;You see, in England
+there are very few women, for which reason it is that so many
+<i>sahebs</i> remain unmarried.&nbsp; So when a <i>saheb</i> goes
+home to his country for a wife, he must take what he can
+get.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;It is a question of destiny,&rdquo; says Lalla,
+&ldquo;with them and with us.&nbsp; My first wife, who can tell
+how meek she was?&nbsp; She never opened her mouth.&nbsp; My
+present wife is such a <i>sheitan</i> that a man cannot live
+under the same roof with her.&nbsp; I have sent her to her
+country ten times, but what is the use?&nbsp; Will she stay
+there?&nbsp; The flavour has all gone out of my life.&rdquo;</p>
+<p style="text-align: center">
+<a href="images/p39b.jpg">
+<img alt=
+"A plot against the butler"
+title=
+"A plot against the butler"
+ src="images/p39s.jpg" />
+</a></p>
+<p>And they all make noises expressive of sympathy.</p>
+<p>The Butler being commander-in-chief of the household forces, I
+find one quality to be indispensable in him, and that is what the
+natives call <i>hookoomut</i>, the faculty of so commanding that
+other men obey.&nbsp; He has to control a sneaking
+<i>mussaul</i>, an obstinate <i>hamal</i>, a quarrelsome, or
+perhaps a drunken cook, a wicked dog-boy, a proud coachman, and a
+few turbulent <i>ghorawallas</i>, while he must conciliate, or
+outwit, the opposition headed by the <i>ayah</i>.&nbsp; If he
+cannot do this there will be factions, seditions, open mutiny,
+ending in appeals to you, to which if you give ear, you will
+foster all manner of intrigue, and put a premium on lies and
+hypocrisy; and it will be strange if you do not end by punishing
+the innocent and filling the guilty with unholy joy.&nbsp; In
+this country there is only one way of dealing with the squabbles
+of domestics and dependents, and that is the method of Gallio,
+who was a great man.</p>
+<p>Besides the general responsibilities of his position as
+C.-in-C., the Butler has certain specific duties, such as to
+stand with arms folded behind you at meal time, to clean the
+silver, and to go to the bazaar in the morning.&nbsp; The last
+seems to be quite as much a prerogative as a duty, and the cook
+wants to go to law about it, regarding the Butler as an unlawful
+usurper.&nbsp; He asserts his claim by spoiling the meat which
+the Butler brings.&nbsp; Of course, there must be some reason why
+this duty, or privilege, is so highly valued, and no doubt that
+reason is connected with the great Oriental principle, that of
+everything a man handles or controls, somewhat should adhere to
+his palm; but if you ask how this principle is applied or worked
+out, I can only reply that that is a matter on which I believe
+not one of us has any information, though for the most part we
+hold very emphatic opinions on the subject.&nbsp; I am quite
+certain that it may be laid down for a general rule that the
+Butler prefers indirect to direct taxation.&nbsp; He certainly
+would not reduce salt and customs duties to pave the way for an
+income tax.&nbsp; Neither would a Viceroy, perhaps, if he had to
+stay and reap the fruit of his works, instead of leaving that to
+his successor&mdash;but that is political reflection which has no
+business here.&nbsp; The Butler, I say, wisely prefers indirect
+taxation and prospers.&nbsp; How, then, are you to checkmate
+him?&nbsp; Don&rsquo;t!&nbsp; A wise man never attempts what
+cannot be accomplished.&nbsp; I work on the assumption that my
+Butler is, like Brutus, an honourable man, treating him with
+consideration, and fostering his self-respect, even at the cost,
+perhaps, of a little hypocrisy.&nbsp; It is a gracious form of
+hypocrisy, and one that often justifies itself in the end, for
+the man tends to become what you assume that he is.&nbsp; For
+myself, I confess that I yield to the butler&rsquo;s claim to go
+to market, albeit I am assured that he derives unjust advantages
+therefrom, more easily than I reconcile myself to that other
+privilege of standing, with arms folded, behind me while I
+breakfast, or tiffin, or dine.&nbsp; I can endure the suspicion
+that he is growing rich while I am growing poor, but that argus
+supervision over my necessary food is like a canker, and his
+indefatigable attentiveness would ruin the healthiest
+appetite.&nbsp; After removing the cover from the
+&ldquo;beefysteak&rdquo; and raising one end of the dish that I
+may get at the gravy more easily, he offers me potatoes, and I
+try to overcome an instinctive repugnance to the large and mealy
+tuber under which he has adjusted the spoon in order to lighten
+my labour.&nbsp; After the potatoes there are vegetables.&nbsp;
+Then he moves the salt a little nearer me and I help
+myself.&nbsp; Next he presses the cruet-stand on my attention,
+putting the spoon into the mustard pot and taking the stopper out
+of the sauce bottle.&nbsp; I submit in the hope that I may now be
+allowed to begin; but he has salad or tomatoes or something else
+requiring attention.&nbsp; I submit once more and then assume my
+knife and fork.&nbsp; He watches his opportunity and insinuates a
+pickle bottle, holding the fork in his right hand.&nbsp; I feel
+that it is time to make a stand, so I give him one unspeakable
+look and proceed with my meal, whereupon he retreats and I
+breathe a little more freely.&nbsp; But no; he is at my left hand
+again with bread.&nbsp; To do him justice, he is quite willing to
+save me annoyance by impaling a slice on the knife and
+transferring it to my plate, but I prefer to help myself, which
+encourages him to return to the charge with butter and then
+jam.&nbsp; This looks like the end, but his resources are
+infinite.&nbsp; His eye falls on the sugar basin standing beside
+my teacup, and he immediately takes it up and, coming round to my
+left side, holds it to my nose.&nbsp; All this time sit I, like
+Tantalus, with the savoriest of Domingo&rsquo;s
+&ldquo;beefysteaks&rdquo; before me and am not allowed to taste
+it.&nbsp; But I know that in every operation he is animated by an
+exalted sense of blended duty and prerogative, and if I could
+really open his mind to the thought that the least of his
+attentions was dispensable, his whole nature would be demoralized
+at once; so I endure and grow lean.&nbsp; Another thing which
+works towards the same result is a practice that he has of
+studying my tastes, and when he thinks he has detected a
+preference for a particular dish, plying me with that until the
+very sight of it becomes nauseous.&nbsp; At one time he fed me
+with &ldquo;broon custard&rdquo; pudding for about six months,
+until in desperation I interdicted that preparation for evermore,
+and he fell back upon &ldquo;lemol custard.&rdquo;&nbsp; Thus my
+luxuries are cut off one after another and there is little left
+that I can eat.</p>
+<p>
+<a href="images/p44b.jpg">
+<img class='floatright' alt=
+"Curry and rice"
+title=
+"Curry and rice"
+ src="images/p44s.jpg" />
+</a>Our grandfathers used to have Parsee butlers in tall hats to
+wait upon them, but that race is now extinct.&nbsp; The Butler on
+this side of India is now a Goanese, or a Soortee, or, more
+rarely, a Mussulman.&nbsp; Each of these has, doubtless, his own
+characteristics; but have you ever stepped back a few paces and
+contemplated, not your own or anyone else&rsquo;s individual
+servant, but the entire phenomenon of an Indian Butler?&nbsp;
+Here is a man whose food by nature is curry and rice, before a
+hillock of which he sits cross-legged, and putting his five
+fingers into it, makes a large bolus, which he pushes into his
+mouth.&nbsp; He repeats this till all is gone, and then he sleeps
+like a boa-constrictor until he recovers his activity; or else he
+feeds on great flat cakes of wheat flour, off which he rends
+jagged-pieces and lubricates them with some spicy and unctuous
+gravy.&nbsp; All our ways of life, our meats and drinks, and all
+our notions of propriety and fitness in connection with the
+complicated business of appeasing our hunger as becomes our
+station, all these are a foreign land to him: yet he has made
+himself altogether at home in them.&nbsp; He has a sound
+practical knowledge of all our viands, their substance, and the
+mode of their preparation, their qualities, relationships and
+harmonies, and the exact place they hold in our great cenatorial
+system.&nbsp; He knows all liquors also by name, with their
+places and times of appearing.&nbsp; And he is as great in action
+as in knowledge.&nbsp; When he takes the command of a <i>burra
+khana</i> he is a Wellington.&nbsp; He plans with foresight, and
+executes with fortitude and self-reliance.&nbsp; See him marshal
+his own troops and his auxiliary butlers while he carves and
+dispenses the joint!&nbsp; Then he puts himself at their head and
+invades the dining-room.&nbsp; He meets with reverses;&mdash;the
+claret-jug collides with a dish in full sail and sheds its
+contents on his white coat; the punkah rope catches his turban
+and tosses it into a lady&rsquo;s lap, exposing his curiously
+shaven head to the public merriment; but, though disconcerted, he
+is not defeated.&nbsp; He never forgets his position or loses
+sight of his dignity.&nbsp; His mistress discusses him with such
+wit as may be at her command, and he understands but smiles
+not.&nbsp; When the action is over he retires from the field,
+divests himself of his robes of office and sits down, as he was
+bred to do, before that hillock of curry and rice.</p>
+<p>Even good Homer nods, and I confess I am still haunted by the
+memory of a day when my Chief was my guest, and the butler served
+up red herrings neatly done up in&mdash;<i>The Times of
+India</i>!</p>
+<h2><span class="smcap">Domingo</span>, <span class="smcap">the
+Cook</span>.</h2>
+<p>
+<a href="images/p46b.jpg">
+<img class='floatleft' alt=
+"The cook"
+title=
+"The cook"
+ src="images/p46s.jpg" />
+</a>I <span class="smcap">do</span> not remember who was the
+author of the observation that a great nation in a state of decay
+betakes itself to the fine arts.&nbsp; Perhaps no one has made
+the observation yet.&nbsp; It is certainly among the records of
+my brain, but I may possibly have put it there myself.&nbsp; If
+so, I make it now, for the possibilities of originality are
+getting scarce and will soon disappear from the face of the earth
+as completely as the mastodon.&nbsp; The present application of
+the saying is to the people of Goa, who, while they carry through
+the world patronymics which breathe of conquest and discovery,
+devote their energies rather to the violin and the art of
+cookery.&nbsp; The caviller may object to the application of the
+words &ldquo;fine art&rdquo; to culinary operations, but the
+objection rests on superficial thought.&nbsp; A deeper view will
+show that art is in the artist, not in his subject or his
+materials.&nbsp; Perusal of the Codes of the Financial Department
+showed me many years ago that the retrenchment of my pay and
+allowances could be elevated to a fine art by devotion of spirit,
+combined with a fine sense of law.&nbsp; And to Domingo the
+preparation of dinner is indeed a fine art.&nbsp; Trammel his
+genius, confine him within the limits of what is commonly called
+a &ldquo;plain dinner,&rdquo; and he cannot cook.&nbsp; He stews
+his meat before putting it into a pie, he thickens his custard
+with flour instead of eggs, he roasts a leg of mutton by boiling
+it first and doing &ldquo;littlee brown&rdquo; afterwards; in
+short, what does he not do?&nbsp; It is true of all his
+race.&nbsp; How loathsome were Pedro&rsquo;s mutton chops, and
+Camilo could not boil potatoes decently for a dinner of less than
+four courses.&nbsp; But let him loose on a <i>burra khana</i>,
+give him <i>carte blanche</i> as to sauces and essences and
+spicery, and all his latent faculties and concealed
+accomplishments unfold themselves like a lotus flower in the
+morning.&nbsp; No one could have suspected that the shame-faced
+little man harboured such resources.&nbsp; If he has not always
+the subtlest perception of the harmonics of flavours, what a
+mastery he shows of strong effects and striking contrasts, what
+fecundity of invention, what a play of fancy in decoration, what
+manual dexterity, what rapidity and certainty in all his
+operations!&nbsp; And the marvel increases when we consider the
+simplicity of his implements and materials.&nbsp; His studio is
+fitted with half a dozen small fireplaces, and furnished with an
+assortment of copper pots, a chopper, two tin spoons&mdash;but he
+can do without these,&mdash;a ladle made of half a cocoanut shell
+at the end of a stick, and a slab of stone with a stone roller on
+it; also a rickety table; a very gloomy and ominous looking
+table, whose undulating surface is chopped and hacked and
+scarred, begrimed, besmeared, smoked, oiled, stained with juices
+of many substances.&nbsp; On this table he minces meat, chops
+onions, rolls pastry and sleeps; a very useful table.&nbsp; In
+the midst of these he hustles about, putting his face at
+intervals into one of his fires and blowing through a short
+bamboo tube, which is his bellows, such a potent blast that for a
+moment his whole head is enveloped in a cloud of ashes and
+cinders, which also descend copiously on the half-made tart and
+the <i>souffl&eacute;</i> and the custard.&nbsp; Then he takes up
+an egg, gives it three smart raps with the nail of his
+forefinger, and in half a second the yoke is in one vessel and
+the white in another.&nbsp; The fingers of his left hand are his
+strainer.&nbsp; Every second or third egg he tosses aside, having
+detected, as it passed through the said strainer that age had
+rendered it unsuitable for his purposes; sometimes he does not
+detect this.&nbsp; From eggs he proceeds to onions, then he is
+taking the stones out of raisins, or shelling peas.&nbsp; There
+is a standard English cookery book which commences most of its
+instructions with the formula, &ldquo;wash your hands carefully,
+using a nail brush.&rdquo;&nbsp; Domingo does not observe this
+ceremony, but he often wipes his fingers upon his
+pantaloons.&nbsp; It occurs to me, however, that I do not wisely
+pursue this theme; for the mysteries of Domingo&rsquo;s craft are
+no fit subject for the gratification of an irreverent
+curiosity.&nbsp; Those words of the poet,</p>
+<blockquote><p>&ldquo;Where ignorance is bliss,<br />
+&rsquo;Tis folly to be wise,&rdquo;</p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>have no truer application.&nbsp; You will reap the bliss when
+you sit down to the savoury result.</p>
+<p>Though Domingo is naturally shy, and does not make a display
+of his attainments, he is a man of education, and is quite
+prepared, if you wish it, to write out his menu.&nbsp; Here is a
+sample:&mdash;</p>
+<blockquote><p style="text-align: center"><i>Soup</i>.<br />
+Salary Soup.</p>
+<p style="text-align: center"><i>Fis</i>.<br />
+Heel fish fry.</p>
+<p style="text-align: center"><i>Madish</i>.<br />
+Russel Pups.&nbsp; Wormsil mole.</p>
+<p style="text-align: center"><i>Joint</i>.<br />
+Roast Bastard.</p>
+<p style="text-align: center"><i>Toast</i>.<br />
+Anchovy Poshteg.</p>
+<p style="text-align: center"><i>Puddin</i>.<br />
+Billimunj.&nbsp; Ispunj roli.</p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>I must take this opportunity to record a true story of a menu,
+though it does not properly pertain to Domingo, but an ingenious
+Ramaswamy, of Madras.&nbsp; This man&rsquo;s master liked
+everything very proper, and insisted on a written <i>menu</i> at
+every meal.&nbsp; One morning Ramaswamy was much embarrassed, for
+the principal dish at breakfast was to be devilled turkey.&nbsp;
+&ldquo;Devil very bad word,&rdquo; he said to himself; &ldquo;how
+can write?&rdquo;&nbsp; At last he solved the difficulty, and the
+dish appeared as &ldquo;D&mdash;d turkey.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Our surprise at Domingo&rsquo;s attainments is no doubt due
+very much to the humble attire in which we are accustomed to see
+him, his working dress being a <i>quondam</i> white cotton jacket
+and a pair of blue checked pantaloons of a strong material made
+in jails, or two pairs, the sound parts of one being arranged to
+underlie the holes in the other.&nbsp; When once we have seen the
+gentleman dressed for church on a festival day, with the beaver
+which has descended to him from his illustrious
+grandfather&rsquo;s benevolent master respectfully held in his
+hand, and his well brushed hair shining with a bountiful
+allowance of cocoanut ointment, surprise ceases.&nbsp; He is
+indeed a much respected member of society, and enjoys the esteem
+of his club, where he sometimes takes chambers when out of
+employment.&nbsp; By his fellow servants, too, he is recognised
+as a professional man, and called The Maistrie, but, like
+ourselves, he is an exile, and, like some of us, he is separated
+from his wife and children, so his thoughts run much upon
+furlough and ultimate retirement, and he adopts a humble style of
+life with the object of saving money.&nbsp; In this object he
+succeeds most remarkably.&nbsp; Little as we know of the home
+life of our Hindoo servants, we know almost less about that of
+Domingo, for he rarely has his family with him.&nbsp; Is he a
+fond husband and an indulgent father?&nbsp; I fancy he is when
+his better nature is uppermost, but I am bound to confess that
+the cardinal vice of his character is cruelty, not the passive
+cruelty of the pure Asiatic, but that ferocious cruelty which
+generally marks an infusion of European blood.&nbsp; The infusion
+in him has filtered through so many generations that it must be
+very weak indeed, but it shows itself.&nbsp; When I see an
+emaciated crow with the point of its beak chopped off, so that it
+cannot pick up its food, or another with a tin pot fastened with
+wire to its bleeding nose, I know whose handiwork is there.&nbsp;
+Domingo suffers grievously from the depredations of crows, and
+when his chance comes he enjoys a savage retribution.&nbsp; Some
+allowance must be made for the hardening influence of his
+profession; familiarity with murder makes him callous.&nbsp; When
+he executes a <i>moorgee</i> he does it in the way of sport, and
+sits, like an ancient Roman, <i>verso pollice</i>, enjoying the
+spectacle of its dying struggles.</p>
+<p>According to his lights Domingo is a religious man; that is to
+say, he wears a necklace of red beads, eats fish on Fridays,
+observes festivals and holidays, and gives pretty liberally to
+the church under pressure.&nbsp; So he maintains a placid
+condition of conscience while his monthly remittance to Goa
+exceeds the amount of his salary.&nbsp; He rises early on Sunday
+morning to go to confession, and I would give something to have
+the place, just one day, of the good father to whom he unbosoms
+himself.&nbsp; But perhaps I am wrong.&nbsp; I daresay he
+believes he has nothing to confess.</p>
+<p>One story more to teach us to judge charitably of
+Domingo.&nbsp; A lady was inveighing to a friend against the
+whole race of Indian cooks as dirty, disorderly, and
+dishonest.&nbsp; She had managed to secure the services of a
+Chinese cook, and was much pleased with the contrast.&nbsp; Her
+friend did not altogether agree with her, and was sceptical about
+the immaculate Chinaman.&nbsp; &ldquo;Put it to the test,&rdquo;
+said the lady; &ldquo;just let us pay a visit to your kitchen,
+and then come and see mine.&rdquo;&nbsp; So they went
+together.&nbsp; What need to describe the
+<i>Bobberjee-Khana</i>?&nbsp; They glanced round, and hurried
+out, for it was too horrible to be endured long.&nbsp; When they
+went to the Chinaman&rsquo;s kitchen, the contrast was indeed
+striking.&nbsp; The pots and pans shone like silver; the table
+was positively sweet; everything was in its proper place, and
+Chang himself, sitting on his box, was washing his feet in the
+soup tureen!</p>
+<h2><span class="smcap">The Mussaul</span>, <span
+class="smcap">or Man of Lamps</span>.</h2>
+<p>
+<a href="images/p53b.jpg">
+<img class='floatleft' alt=
+"The Mussaul"
+title=
+"The Mussaul"
+ src="images/p53s.jpg" />
+</a><span class="smcap">The</span> <i>Mussaul&rsquo;s</i> name is
+Mukkun, which means butter, and of this commodity I believe he
+absorbs as much as he can honestly or dishonestly come by.&nbsp;
+How else does the surface of him acquire that glossy, oleaginous
+appearance, as if he would take fire easily and burn well?&nbsp;
+I wish we could do without him!&nbsp; The centre of his
+influence, a small room in the suburbs of the dining-room, which
+he calls the <i>dispence</i>, or <i>dispence-khana</i>, is a
+place of unwholesome sights and noisome odours, which it is good
+not to visit unless as Hercules visited the stables of
+Augeas.&nbsp; The instruments of his profession are there, a
+large <i>handie</i> full of very greasy water, with bits of lemon
+peel and fragments of broken victuals swimming in it, and a
+short, stout stick, with a little bunch of foul rag tied to one
+end of it.&nbsp; Here the <i>Mussaul</i> sits on the ice
+<i>numda</i> while we have our meals, and as each plate returns
+from the table, he takes charge of it, and transfers to his mouth
+whatever he finds on it, for he is of the <i>omnivora</i>, like
+the crow.&nbsp; Then he seizes his weapon of offence, and,
+dipping the rag end into the <i>handie</i>, gives the plate a
+masterly wipe, and lays it on the table upside down, or dries it
+with a damask table napkin.&nbsp; The butler encourages him for
+some reason to use up the table napkins in this way.&nbsp; I
+suppose it is because he does not like to waste the <i>dhobie</i>
+on anything before it is properly soiled.&nbsp; When the
+<i>Mussaul</i> has disposed of the breakfast things in this
+summary way, he betakes himself to the great work of the day, the
+polishing of the knives.&nbsp; He first plunges the ivory handles
+into boiling water, and leaves them to steep for a time, then he
+seats himself on the ice again, and, arranging a plank of wood in
+a sloping position, holds it fast with his toes, rubs it well
+with a piece of bath brick, and commences to polish with all the
+energy which he has saved by the neglect of other duties.&nbsp;
+Hour after hour the squeaky, squeaky, squeaky sound of that board
+plays upon your nerves, not the nerves of the ear, but the nerves
+of the mind, for there is more in it than the ear can
+convey.&nbsp; Every sight and every sound in this world comes to
+us inextricably woven into the warp which the mind supplies, and,
+as you listen to that baleful sound, you seem to feel with your
+finger points the back of each good, new knife getting sharper
+and sharper, and to watch its progress as it wears away at the
+point of greatest pressure, until the end of the blade is
+connected with the rest by a narrow neck, which eventually
+breaks, and the point falls off, leaving the knife in that
+condition so familiar to us all, when the blade, about three
+inches long, ends in a jagged, square point, the handle having,
+meanwhile, acquired a rich orange hue.&nbsp; Oh, those knives!
+those knives!</p>
+<p style="text-align: center">
+<a href="images/p55b.jpg">
+<img alt=
+"More light"
+title=
+"More light"
+ src="images/p55s.jpg" />
+</a></p>
+<p>Etymologically Mukkun is a man of lamps, and, when he has
+brushed your boots and stowed them away under your bed, putting
+the left boot on the right side and <i>vice versa</i>, in order
+that the toes may point outwards, as he considers they should,
+then he addresses himself to this part of his duty.&nbsp; Old
+Bombayites can remember the days of cocoanut, when he had to
+begin his operations during the cold season by putting a row of
+bottles out in the sun to melt the frozen oil; but kerosine has
+changed all that, and he has nothing to do but to trim the wick
+into that fork-tailed pattern in which he delights, and which
+secures the minimum of light with the maximum destruction of
+chimneys, to smear the outside of each lamp with his greasy
+fingers, to conjure away a gallon or so of oil, and to meet
+remonstrance with a child-like query, &ldquo;Do I drink kerosene
+oil?&rdquo;&nbsp; Then he unbends, and gives himself up to a
+gentle form of recreation in which he finds much enjoyment.&nbsp;
+This is to perch on a low wall or big stone at the garden gate,
+and watch the carriages and horses as they pass by.&nbsp; Other
+<i>Mussauls</i>, <i>ghorawallas</i>, and passing ice coolies stop
+and perch beside him, and sometimes an <i>ayah</i> or two, with a
+perambulator and its weary little occupant, grace the
+gathering.&nbsp; I suppose the topics of the day are discussed,
+the chances of a Russian invasion, the dearness of rice, and the
+events which led to the dismissal of Mr. Smith&rsquo;s old
+<i>Mussaul</i> Canjee.&nbsp; Then the time for the lighting of
+lamps arrives, and Mukkun returns to his duties.</p>
+<p>You might not perhaps suspect it, but Mukkun is a prey to
+vanity.&nbsp; The pure oily transparency of his Italian
+complexion commands his admiration, and he thinks much of those
+glossy love-locks which emerge from his turban and curl in front
+of his ears.&nbsp; Several times a day he goes into his room to
+contemplate himself in a small hand mirror, and to wind up the
+love-locks on his finger.&nbsp; Poor Mukkun has, indeed, a very
+human side, and the phenomenon which we recognise as our
+<i>Mussaul</i> is not the whole of him.&nbsp; By birth he is an
+agriculturist, and there is in the environs of Surat a little
+plot of land and a small dilapidated hut in one corner of it,
+overgrown with monstrous gourds, which he thinks of as home,
+sweet home.&nbsp; There are his young barbarians all at play, but
+he, their sire, is forced to seek service abroad because, as he
+practically expresses it, the produce of his small field is not
+sufficient to fill so many bellies.&nbsp; But, wherever he
+wanders, his heart&mdash;for he has a heart&mdash;flutters about
+that rickety hut, and as he sits polishing your boots of a
+morning, you may hear him pensively humming to
+himself:&mdash;</p>
+<blockquote><p>Beatus ille qui, procul negotiis,<br />
+&nbsp;&nbsp; Ut prisca gens mortalium,<br />
+Paterna rura bobus exercet suis,<br />
+&nbsp;&nbsp; Solutus omni f&oelig;nore.</p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>He puts a peculiar pathos into the last line, for he is
+grievously haunted by an apparition in the form of an old man
+with a small red turban, gold earrings, and grey beard parted in
+the middle, who flourishes a paper in his face and talks of the
+debtors&rsquo; gaol; and hints that he will have the little house
+and field near Surat.&nbsp; Mukkun first fell into the net of
+this spider many years ago, when he wanted a few hundred rupees
+to enable him to celebrate the marriage of his little
+child.&nbsp; He signed a bond for twice the amount he received
+then, and it continues to increase from year to year, though he
+has paid the principal twice over in interest; at least he thinks
+he has, but he is not a good accountant.&nbsp; Every now and then
+he is required to sign some fresh document, of the contents of
+which he knows nothing, but the effect of which is always the
+same&mdash;<i>viz.</i>, to heap up his liabilities and rivet his
+fetters more firmly, and punctually on pay day every month, the
+grim old man waylays him and compels him to disgorge his wages,
+allowing him so much grain and spices as will keep him in
+condition till next pay day.&nbsp; In a word, Mukkun is a
+slave.&nbsp; Yet he does not jump into the garden well, nor his
+quietus make with a bare bodkin.&nbsp; No, he plods through life,
+eats his rice and curry with gusto, smokes his cigarette with
+satisfaction, oils his lovelocks, borrows money from the cook to
+buy a set of silver buttons for his waistcoat, and when he tires
+of them, pawns them to pay for a velvet cap on which he has set
+his heart.&nbsp; In short, he behaves <i>&agrave; la Mukkun</i>,
+and no insight is to be had by examining his case through English
+spectacles; but it is our strange infirmity, being the most
+singular people on earth, to regard ourselves as typical of the
+human race, and <i>ergo</i> to conclude that what is good for us
+cannot be otherwise than good for all the world.&nbsp; Hence many
+of our anti-tyranny agitations and philanthropies, not always
+beneficial to the subjects of them, and also many of our
+misplaced sympathies.&nbsp; We see a spider eating a fly, and
+long to crush the spider, while we shed a tear for the fly.&nbsp;
+But the spider is much the higher animal of the two.&nbsp; It
+labours long hours laying out a net, and then waits all day for
+the fruit of its toil.&nbsp; Insects are caught and escape again,
+the net gets broken, and when, after many disappointments, the
+spider secures a fat fly, what advantage does it derive?&nbsp; A
+meal; just what the fly got by sitting in a pit of manure and
+sipping till it could sip no more.&nbsp; Doom that fly to the
+life which the spider leads, and it would drown itself in your
+milk jug on the spot, unable to bear up under such a weight of
+care and toil.&nbsp; In this parable the fly is Mukkun and the
+spider is Shylock, and my sympathies are not wholly given to the
+former.&nbsp; I quite admit that Shylock worries him cruelly, and
+if he had not given hostages to fortune, he would abscond with a
+light heart to some distant station where he might forget his old
+debts and contract new ones.&nbsp; But this is not the
+alternative before him.&nbsp; The alternative is to take care of
+his money, not to buy things which he cannot afford, to do
+without the silver buttons, and postpone the velvet cap, all
+which would put a strain on his mental and moral constitution,
+under which he would wear out in a week.&nbsp; He must find some
+other <i>modus vivendi</i> than that.&nbsp; If he had lived in
+the world&rsquo;s infancy, he would have sold himself and his
+family to someone who would have fed him and clothed him, and
+relieved him of the cares of life.&nbsp; But Britons never,
+never, never shall be slaves, and under our rule Mukkun is forced
+to share that disability; so he attains his end in an indirect
+way, and lives thereafter in such happiness as nature has given
+him capacity to enjoy.&nbsp; Shylock will neither put him into
+gaol nor seize his field.&nbsp; We do not send our milch cow to
+the butcher.&nbsp; Shylock owns a hundred such as he, and much
+trouble they give him.</p>
+<p>Mukkun lives in dread of the devil.&nbsp; Nothing will induce
+him to pass at night by places where the foul fiend is known to
+walk, nor will he sleep alone without a light.</p>
+<p style="text-align: center">
+<a href="images/p60b.jpg">
+<img alt=
+"In dread of the devil"
+title=
+"In dread of the devil"
+ src="images/p60s.jpg" />
+</a></p>
+<h2><span class="smcap">The Hamal</span>.</h2>
+<p>
+<a href="images/p61b.jpg">
+<img class='floatleft' alt=
+"The Hamal"
+title=
+"The Hamal"
+ src="images/p61s.jpg" />
+</a><span class="smcap">The</span> <i>Hamal</i> is a creature
+which gets up very early in the morning, before anyone is out of
+bed, and opens the doors and windows with as much noise as may
+be.&nbsp; He leaves the hooks unfastened, that a
+<i>feu-de-joie</i> may celebrate the advent of the first gust of
+wind.&nbsp; He drops the lower bolts of the doors, so that they
+may rake up the matting every time they are opened.&nbsp; Then he
+proceeds to dust the furniture with the duster which hangs over
+his shoulder.&nbsp; He does this because it is his duty, and with
+no view to any practical result; consequently it never occurs to
+him to look at what he is doing, and you will afterwards find
+curiously shaped patches of dust which have escaped the sweep of
+his &ldquo;towal.&rdquo;&nbsp; He next turns his attention to the
+books in the bookcase, and we are all familiar with his ravages
+there.&nbsp; He is usually content to bang them well with his
+duster, but I refer to high days, when he takes each book out and
+caresses it on both sides, replacing it upside down, and putting
+the different volumes of each work on different shelves.&nbsp;
+All this he does, not of malice, but simply because &rsquo;tis
+his nature to.&nbsp; He does not disturb the cobwebs on the
+corners of the bookcase, because you never told him to do
+so.&nbsp; As he moves grunting about the room, the duster falls
+from his shoulder, and he picks it up with his toes to avoid the
+fatigue of stooping.&nbsp; When all the dusting is done, and the
+table-covers and ornaments are replaced, then he proceeds to
+shake the carpets and sweep the floor, for it is one of his ways,
+when left to himself, to dust first and sweep after.&nbsp;
+Finally he disposes of the rubbish which his broom has collected,
+by stowing it away under a cupboard, or pushing it out over the
+doorstep among the ferns and calladiums.</p>
+<p>Such is the Hamal in his youth, and as he grows older he gets
+more so.&nbsp; About middle life he sets hard, like plaster of
+Paris, his senses get obfuscated, and a shell appears to form on
+the outside of his intellect, so that access to his understanding
+becomes very difficult.&nbsp; Sometimes his temper also grows
+crabbed, and <i>noli me tangere</i> writes itself distinctly
+across the mark of his god on his old brow.&nbsp; A <i>Hamal</i>
+in this phase is the most impracticable animal in this
+universe.&nbsp; When found fault with, he never answers back, but
+he enters on a vigorous conversation with himself, which is like
+a tune on a musical box, for it must be allowed to go until it
+runs itself out; nothing short of smashing the instrument will
+stop it.&nbsp; How well I remember one veteran of this type, from
+whose colloquies with his own soul I gathered that he had been
+fifty-six years in gentlemen&rsquo;s service, and never served
+any but gentlemen until he came to me.&nbsp; He computed his age,
+I think, at seventy-two, and asked leave to attend the funeral of
+his grandfather.&nbsp; Sometimes, happily, the
+<i>Hamal&rsquo;s</i> senility takes the direction of
+benevolence.&nbsp; Who does not know the benign, stupid old man,
+with his snowy whiskers and kindly smile, which seems to grow
+kindlier with every tooth he loses!</p>
+<p style="text-align: center">
+<a href="images/p64b.jpg">
+<img alt=
+"Ooswasty Lukree"
+title=
+"Ooswasty Lukree"
+ src="images/p64s.jpg" />
+</a></p>
+<p>It is a practical question whether you should endure the
+<i>Hamal</i>, or address yourself to the task of his reformation,
+and I am content to make myself singular by advocating the latter
+for two reasons; firstly, because he cannot be endured; secondly,
+because I cherish a fantastic faith in his
+reformability,&mdash;at least if you take him in his youth,
+before he has set.&nbsp; I believe we fail to cure him either
+because we do not try, or because we dismiss him before we
+succeed.&nbsp; Another great impediment to success in this
+enterprise is the foolish habit of getting wrathful.&nbsp; An
+untimely explosion of wrath will generally blow a sensitive
+Hamal&rsquo;s wits quite out of his own reach, and of course, out
+of yours; or, if he is of the stolid sort, he will set it down as
+a phenomenon incidental to <i>sahebs</i>, but without any bearing
+on the matter in hand, and he will go on as before.&nbsp;
+Besides, a state of indignation is very detrimental to your own
+command of the language, and if you could in cold blood take your
+&ldquo;Forbes&rdquo; and study some of the sentences which you
+fulminated in your ebullitions of anger, you would cease to
+wonder that the subject of them was such an idiot.</p>
+<blockquote><p>Hum roz roz hookum day,<br />
+Tum roz roz hookum nay,<br />
+Ooswasty lukree&mdash;(whack, whack)</p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>went home, I have no doubt, but it is the gift of few to be at
+once so luminous and so forcible.&nbsp; Try handling your
+<i>Hamal</i> in another way.&nbsp; Call him mildly&mdash;a mild
+tone thaws his understanding&mdash;and say to him, &ldquo;Look
+here, my son.&nbsp; Do you see this gold writing on the backs of
+these books?&nbsp; For what purpose is it?&rdquo;&nbsp; He will
+reply, &ldquo;Who knows?&rdquo;&nbsp; Then you can proceed,
+&ldquo;That writing is the mark by which you may know the head of
+any book.&nbsp; Now consider, should a book stand on its
+head?&rdquo;&nbsp; If he replies, &ldquo;How should a book stand
+on its head?&rdquo; then you are getting access to his
+intelligence, and may lead him on gradually to the conclusion
+that, whenever he puts a book into the shelves, he should make it
+stand so that the writing on the back of it may be
+uppermost.&nbsp; I tell you he will beam with intelligence, and
+rise earlier next morning to put his new learning into
+practice.&nbsp; After a few days he will forget and relapse into
+his old ways, but you must have patience.</p>
+<p>After all, I think we could put up with the <i>Hamal</i> if
+only he would not try to think.&nbsp; This is his crowning
+vice.&nbsp; In vain I try to impress upon him that I engaged him
+to obey orders, and would rather do the thinking myself.&nbsp;
+Every now and then, at some particular phase of the moon, he sets
+his intellect in operations and the consequences are, as the
+Brahmin boy described the result of his examination,
+&ldquo;appalling.&rdquo;&nbsp; It was our <i>Hamal&rsquo;s</i>
+duty to fill the filter, and at a time when the water was very
+bad, orders were given that it should be boiled before being
+filtered.&nbsp; One day, my wife saw the <i>Hamal</i> in the act
+of filling the filter, and it occurred to her to warn him to let
+the water cool first, lest he might crack the filter.&nbsp;
+&ldquo;Oh yes,&rdquo; said he, &ldquo;I thought of that.&nbsp;
+After boiling the water, I cool it down by mixing an equal
+quantity of cold water with it, and then I put it into the
+filter.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>In Bombay, since hard times set in, the offices of
+<i>Hamal</i> and <i>mussaul</i> have got a little mixed, and a
+man will show you characters testifying that he has served in
+both capacities.&nbsp; Such a man is, properly speaking, simply a
+<i>mussaul</i> who has tried to do the <i>Hamal&rsquo;s</i>
+work.&nbsp; The cleaner of furniture and the lighter of lamps and
+washer of plates and dishes cannot change places or be
+combined.&nbsp; I have read that the making of one English pin
+employs nine men, but it is a vain boast.&nbsp; The rudiments of
+division of labour are not understood in Europe.&nbsp; In this
+country every trade is a breed.&nbsp; Rama is by birth a cleaner
+of furniture.&nbsp; This kind of employment came into the country
+with our rule, so that the domestic <i>Hamal</i>, who is an
+offshoot of the <i>palkee hamal</i>, or &ldquo;bearer,&rdquo; has
+not had time to become what fanciers would call a permanent
+strain, and you will find that you can convert Rama into a
+<i>chupprasse</i>, a <i>malee</i>, or even a <i>ghorawalla</i>,
+but into a <i>mussaul</i> never.&nbsp; He is a <i>shoodra</i>,
+sprung from the feet of Brahma, and the Brahman, who sprung from
+the head of the same figure, despises him, but not with that
+depth of contempt with which he himself despises the
+<i>mussaul</i>, who is an outcast, and sprang from nowhere in
+particular.&nbsp; He cannot conceive that thirty generations of
+washing could purify the descendants of Mukkun so that he might
+touch them and not be unclean.&nbsp; You, his master, rank
+theoretically with Mukkun, and he will neither touch your meats
+nor the plate off which you have eaten them.&nbsp; He will keep
+your house clean, and even perform some personal services, for he
+has a liberal mind, and is there not also a <i>toolsee</i> plant
+in a pot on a kind of earthen altar in front of his hut, before
+which he performs purificatory ceremonies every morning?&nbsp;
+And does he not bathe after leaving your presence before he
+eats?&nbsp; If you pass by the clean place where he is about to
+cook his food in the morning, you will see a large pot of water
+on the fire.&nbsp; When this gets warm&mdash;for Rama is not a
+Spartan&mdash;he will stand on a smooth stone, as sparingly clad
+as it is possible to be, and pour the water on his head,
+polishing himself vigorously as it runs down his limbs; then,
+after dressing his long hair and tying it in a knot on the top of
+his head, he will sit down to eat, in a place by himself, with
+the feeling that he has warded off defilement from that which
+goeth in at his mouth.&nbsp; That which goeth out of his mouth
+gives him no concern.</p>
+<p style="text-align: center">
+<a href="images/p68b.jpg">
+<img alt=
+"Purification"
+title=
+"Purification"
+ src="images/p68s.jpg" />
+</a></p>
+<h2><span class="smcap">The Body-guards</span>.</h2>
+<p>
+<a href="images/p69b.jpg">
+<img alt=
+"The body-guard"
+title=
+"The body-guard"
+ src="images/p69s.jpg" />
+</a><span class="smcap">Our</span> <i>Chupprassees</i> are the
+outward expression of our authority, and the metre-gauge of our
+importance.&nbsp; By them the untutored mind of the poor Indian
+is enabled to estimate the amount of reverence due to each of
+us.&nbsp; This is the first purpose for which we are provided
+with Chupprassees.&nbsp; The second is that they may deliver our
+commands, post our letters, and escort the coming generation of
+Government servants in their little perambulators.&nbsp; As the
+number required for the first purpose usually far exceeds the
+number required for the second, there is danger of Satan finding
+mischief for their idle hands to do, and it becomes our duty to
+ward off this danger by occupying their hands with something
+which is not mischief.&nbsp; This we do faithfully, and the
+<i>Chupprassee</i> always reminds me of those tools we see
+advertised, which combine hammer, pincers, turnscrew, chisel,
+foot-rule, hatchet, file, toothpick, and life preserver.&nbsp;
+Mrs. Smart bewailed the bygone day when every servant in her
+house was a Government <i>Chupprassee</i> except the
+<i>khansamah</i> and a Portuguese <i>ayah</i>.&nbsp; I did not
+live in that day, but in my own I have seen the
+<i>Chupprassee</i> discharge many functions.&nbsp; He is an
+expert <i>shikaree</i>, sometimes a good tailor or barber, not a
+bad cook at a pinch, a handy table boy, and, above all an
+unequalled child&rsquo;s servant.&nbsp; There can be little
+doubt, it the truth were told, that Little Henry&rsquo;s bearer
+was a <i>Chupprassee</i>.&nbsp; He also milks the cow, waters the
+garden, catches butterflies, skins birds, blows eggs, and runs
+after tennis balls.&nbsp; If you ask himself what his duties are,
+he will reply promptly that it is his duty to wear the
+sircar&rsquo;s belt and to &ldquo;be present.&rdquo;&nbsp; And
+the camel is not more wonderfully fitted for the desert than is
+Luxumon for the discharge of these solemn responsibilities.&nbsp;
+He is like a carriage clock, able to sleep in any conceivable
+position; and such is his mental constitution that, when not
+sleeping, he is able to &ldquo;be present&rdquo; hour after hour
+without feeling any desire for change of occupation.&nbsp;
+<i>Ennui</i> never troubles him, time never hangs heavy on his
+hands; he sits as patiently as a cow and chews the cud of <i>pan
+suparee</i>, and he bespatters the walls with a sanguinary
+pigment produced by the mastication of the same.&nbsp; He needs
+no food, but he goes out to drink water thirty-five times a day,
+and, when he returns refreshed, a certain acrid odour penetrates
+every crevice of the house, almost dislodging the rats and
+exterminating the lesser vermin.&nbsp; To liken it to the smell
+of tobacco would give civilized mankind a claim against me for
+defamation of character.</p>
+<p style="text-align: center">
+<a href="images/p72b.jpg">
+<img alt=
+"An unequalled child&rsquo;s servant"
+title=
+"An unequalled child&rsquo;s servant"
+ src="images/p72s.jpg" />
+</a></p>
+<p>I will sketch my ideal of a model <i>Chupprassee</i>.&nbsp; He
+is a follower of the Prophet, for your Gentoo has too many
+superstitions and scruples to be generally useful.&nbsp; He parts
+his short black beard in the middle and brushes it up his cheek
+on either side, the ends of his moustache are trimly curled, he
+wears his turban a little on one side, carries himself like a
+soldier, and is always scrupulously clean.&nbsp; He comes into
+your presence with a salutation which expresses his own dignity,
+while it respects yours.&nbsp; He wishes to know whether the
+protector of the poor has any commands for his slave.&nbsp; When
+you intimate your wishes he responds with a formula which is the
+same for all occasions&mdash;&ldquo;Your Lordship&rsquo;s
+commands shall be executed.&rdquo;&nbsp; And they are
+executed.&nbsp; If he knows of difficulties or impossibilities,
+he keeps them to himself.&nbsp; Alas! this is an ideal, how
+antipodal sometimes to the real!&nbsp; I am thinking of the
+gigantic Sheikh Mahomed, with his terrible beard and womanly
+voice, who would convey my commands to a menial of lower degree
+and return in five minutes to detail the objections which that
+person had raised.&nbsp; Another type of Mahomedan
+<i>Chupprassee</i>, whom we see is to abhor, expresses his
+opinion of himself by letting half a yard of rag hang down from
+his turban behind.&nbsp; He calls himself a <i>Syed</i> and,
+perhaps, on account of the sanctity implied in this, forbears to
+wash himself or his clothes.&nbsp; This man is clever, officious,
+familiar, servile, and very fond of the position of
+umbrella-bearer in ordinary to your person: therefore, transfer
+him to the personal staff of some native dignitary, where he will
+be appreciated.&nbsp; If my model does not suit you, there are
+many types to choose from.&nbsp; We have the lofty and sonorous
+<i>Purdaisee</i>, the <i>Rajpoot</i>, son of kings, the
+<i>Bhundaree</i>, or hereditary climber of palm trees, the
+Israelite, the low caste, useful, intelligent <i>Mahar</i>, and
+many more.&nbsp; Even the Brahmin in this iron age becomes a
+<i>Chupprassee</i>.&nbsp; But three-fourths of all our belted
+satellites come from one little district south of Bombay, known
+to our fathers as Rutnagherry, re-christened Ratnagiri by the
+Hon. W. W. Hunter, C.I.E., A.B.C., D.E.F., etc.&nbsp; Every
+country has its own special products; the Malabar Coast sends us
+cocoanuts and pepper; artichokes come from Jerusalem; ducks,
+lace, cooks, and fiddlers from Goa.&nbsp; So Rutnagherry produces
+pineapples and Mahrattas, and the Mahrattas do not eat the
+pineapples.&nbsp; Till quite recently they employed themselves
+exterminating each other, burning each other&rsquo;s villages and
+crops, and inventing new ways of torturing old men to make them
+confess where their money was buried.&nbsp; We have stopped these
+practices without stopping the religious arrangements for keeping
+up the supply of the race; so the Mahratta marries, as in duty
+bound, and multiplies, and then casts about for some way of
+maintaining his growing family; and our <i>Chupprassee</i>
+system, looked at politically, is a grand escape pipe.&nbsp;
+Pandurang Huree gives the Mahrattas the palm, as liars, over all
+the other races of India.&nbsp; He may be right, but where
+excellence is so universal, comparison becomes doubly
+odious.&nbsp; Some Mahrattas put <i>rao</i> after their names and
+treat themselves with much respect, especially if they can grow a
+little island of whisker on each cheek and run the moustache into
+it.&nbsp; These men differ from common Mahrattas in the same way
+as Mr. Wilberforce Jones, or Mr. Palmerston Smith, differs from
+the ordinary run of Joneses and Smiths.</p>
+<p>How uniformly does ambition rule us all!&nbsp; The young
+<i>rao</i>, fired by the hope of wearing a belt, makes a bold
+resolve to leave his father and mother, his wife and children,
+his brothers, their wives and children, his uncles, aunts, and
+cousins, and the little hut in which they have all lived so
+happily since he was a little, naked, crawling thing, dressed in
+a silver rupee.&nbsp; He looks for the last time on the buffalo
+and the lame pariah dog, ties up his cooking pots and a change of
+raiment in a red handkerchief, and starts on foot, amid the
+howling of females, for the great town, a hundred miles away,
+where the brother-in-law of his cousin&rsquo;s wife&rsquo;s uncle
+is on the personal staff of the Collector.&nbsp; He fears that
+the water of the place may not suit his constitution, but he
+risks that and other unknown perils.&nbsp; Arriving at his
+destination, he works his interest by quartering himself on his
+influential connection, who, finding that an extra seer of rice
+has to be boiled for every meal, leaves no stone unturned to find
+employment for him.&nbsp; First a written petition is drawn up by
+the local petition writer, in the following terms &ldquo;Most
+Honoured and Respected Sir,&mdash;Although I am conscious that my
+present step will apparently be deemed an unjustifiable and
+unpardonable one, tantamounting to a preposterous hardihood in
+presuming to trespass (amidst your multifarious vocations) on
+your valuable time, yet placing implicit reliance on your noble
+nature and magnanimity of heart, I venture to do so, and ardently
+trust you will pardon me.&nbsp; Learning that a vacancy of a
+sepoy has occurred under your kind auspices, I beg most
+respectfully to tender my services for the same, and crave your
+permission to invite your benign attention to the episodes of my
+chequered life, though of a doleful and sombre nature, and
+<i>concatenation</i> of melancholy events that have made their
+visitations.&nbsp; My eldest brother died one year since, leaving
+an heritage of a relict and two female issues to bemoan and
+lament his premature and irreparable loss.&nbsp; And two months
+since my revered parent paid debt of nature, at 2 p.m. on 15th
+February, A.D. 18&ndash;, thus leaving the entire burden of 13
+(thirteen) souls on my individual shoulders, which, in my present
+and forlorn circumferences, I am unable to cope with.&nbsp; I,
+therefore, throw myself on your benevolent clemency and humane
+consideration, and implore you to confer the vacancy in question
+which will enable me to meet the daily unavoidable returning
+requisites of domestic life in all their varied ramifications,
+and relieve a famishing family from the jaws of penury and
+privation.&nbsp; By thus delivering me from an impending
+impossibility most prejudicial to my purse resources, you will
+confer on your humble servant a boon which will be always vivid
+on the tablet of my breast, never to be effaced until the period
+that I am sojurning on the stage of this sublunary world&rsquo;s
+theatre.&rdquo;&nbsp; The petition goes on to explain that all
+the unhappy petitioner&rsquo;s efforts to earn an honest
+livelihood by the perspiration of his brow have been frustrated
+owing to the sins committed by his soul in a former birth, and
+ends with religious reflections and prayers.&nbsp; While this is
+presented to the Collector, the candidate stands under a tree at
+some distance and rehearses, with palpitating heart, the
+<i>salaam</i> he will make if admitted to the august
+presence.&nbsp; Life and death seem to hang on the impression
+which may be produced by that <i>salaam</i>.&nbsp; But the
+cousin&rsquo;s wife&rsquo;s uncle&rsquo;s brother-in-law sets
+other machinery in motion.&nbsp; He humbles himself and makes up
+an old quarrel with the Naik; he flatters the butler till that
+great man is pleased and promises his influence; and he wins the
+Sheristedar&rsquo;s vote by telling him earnestly that all the
+district knows he is virtually the Collector and whatever he
+recommends is done.&nbsp; Nor is the <i>ayah</i> forgotten, for
+the <i>ayah</i> has access to the <i>madam</i>, and by that route
+certain shameful matters affecting a rival candidate will reach
+the <i>saheb</i>.&nbsp; Now, supposing that the sins of a former
+birth fail to checkmate all these machinations, and that the new
+arrival actually finds himself swimming in the unfathomed bliss
+of a belt with a brass plate, and a princely income of seven
+Queen&rsquo;s rupees every month, who could foretell that almost
+before a year has passed he will again be floundering in the mire
+of disappointed ambition?&nbsp; Yet so it is.&nbsp; He hears of
+another <i>Chupprassee</i> with only eleven months&rsquo; service
+against his twelve, who has been promoted to eight rupees, and
+immediately the canker of discontent eats into his heart.&nbsp;
+Later on he finds that the cup of his happiness will never be
+quite full until he gets ten rupees a month, and when he has
+reached that giddy height, he will see dawning on his horizon the
+strange and beautiful hope that he may be a Naik.&nbsp; It is a
+desperate ambition&mdash;</p>
+<blockquote><p>&ldquo;He who ascends to mountain tops shall
+find<br />
+The highest peaks most wrapped in clouds and snow;<br />
+He who surpasses or subdues mankind<br />
+Must look down on the hate of those below.&rdquo;</p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>Subordinate <i>Chupprassees</i> will slight his authority, his
+fellow Naiks will disparage him, disappointed rivals will send in
+anonymous petitions accusing him of all manner of villanies of
+which he is not guilty, and, worse still, revealing the little
+briberies and oppressions of which he is not innocent.&nbsp; But
+who of us learns wisdom in these matters?&nbsp; The Naik soon
+comes to feel that if justice were done to merit, he would be a
+Havildar.&nbsp; After he has attained that proud distinction, he
+retires to &ldquo;husband out life&rsquo;s taper at its
+close&rdquo; in the same old hut, amidst the same conglomerate of
+relations, but nephews and nieces, and grandchildren have taken
+the place of uncles and aunts and parents.&nbsp; The buffalo and
+the pariah dog are apparently the same.&nbsp; Then the whole
+range of official machinery is put in motion to reward his long
+and faithful services, and the Governor in Council grants him the
+maximum pension of four rupees a month, subject to the approval
+of the Viceroy, and he spends his few remaining days in gratitude
+to the Sircar.&nbsp; But one thing rankles in his mind.&nbsp;
+Babajee, not nearly so good-looking a fellow as himself, rose to
+be a Jemadar.</p>
+<p>
+<a href="images/p79b.jpg">
+<img class='floatright' alt=
+"Jemadar"
+title=
+"Jemadar"
+ src="images/p79s.jpg" />
+</a>Ambition has, however, another more golden career for an
+enterprising and ingenious <i>Chupprassee</i>; for is he not the
+portal through which the humble petitioner may have access to the
+Collector, whose smile is prosperity and his frown
+destruction?&nbsp; And must not the hinges of the portal be oiled
+that they may open smoothly?&nbsp; Therefore, the inimitable Sir
+Ali Baba made a point of dismissing a <i>Chupprassee</i> whenever
+he began to grow fat, and he was wise, but in applying the rule
+you must have regard to the man&rsquo;s rank.&nbsp; The belt of
+an ordinary peon may range from twenty to thirty inches according
+to length of service, promotion to a Naik&rsquo;s position will
+add about three inches, a Havildar will run to thirty-six or
+thirty-seven, and a Jemadar must have something crabbed in his
+disposition if he does not attain to forty-two inches.&nbsp;
+These are normal measurements,&mdash;they consistent with strict
+integrity as understood in the East.&nbsp; By the blessing of
+good temper and an easy life they may be slightly exceeded, but
+the itching palm brings on a kind of dropsy easily recognisable
+to the practised eye.&nbsp; I have seen an unjust Jemadar who
+might have walked with Sir John Falstaff.</p>
+<blockquote><p>Falstaff: My honest lads, I will tell you what I
+am about.</p>
+<p>Pistol: Two yards, and more.</p>
+</blockquote>
+<h2><span class="smcap">That Dhobie</span>!</h2>
+<p>
+<a href="images/p80b.jpg">
+<img class='floatleft' alt=
+"The Dhobie"
+title=
+"The Dhobie"
+ src="images/p80s.jpg" />
+</a>I <span class="smcap">am</span> an amateur philosopher and
+amuse myself detecting essence beneath semblance and tracing the
+same principle running through things the outward aspect of which
+is widely different.&nbsp; I have studied the <i>Dhobie</i> in
+this spirit and find him to be nothing else than an example of
+the abnormal development, under favourable conditions, of a
+disposition which is not only common to humanity, but pervades
+the whole animal kingdom.&nbsp; A puppy rending slippers, a child
+tearing up its picture books, a mungoose killing twenty chickens
+to feed on one, a freethinker demolishing ancient superstitions,
+what are they all but <i>Dhobies</i> in embryo?&nbsp; Destruction
+is so much easier than construction, and so much more rapid and
+abundant in its visible results, that the devastator feels a
+jubilant joy in his work, of which the tardy builder knows
+nothing.&nbsp; As the lightning scorns the oak, as the fire
+triumphs over the venerable pile, as the swollen river scoffs at
+the P. W. D., while arch after arch tumbles into its gurgling
+whirlpools, so the <i>Dhobie</i>, dashing your cambric and fine
+linen against the stones, shattering a button, fraying a hem, or
+rending a seam at every stroke, feels a triumphant contempt for
+the miserable creature whose plodding needle and thread put the
+garment together.&nbsp; This feeling is the germ from which the
+<i>Dhobie</i> has grown.&nbsp; Day after day he has stood before
+that great black stone and wreaked his rage upon shirt and
+trowser and coat, and coat and trowser and shirt.&nbsp; Then he
+has wrung them as if he were wringing the necks of poultry, and
+fixed them on his drying line with thorns and spikes, and finally
+he has taken the battered garments to his torture chamber and
+ploughed them with his iron, longwise and crosswise and
+slantwise, and dropped glowing cinders on their tenderest
+places.&nbsp; Son has followed father through countless
+generations in cultivating this passion for destruction, until it
+has become the monstrous growth which we see and shudder at in
+the <i>Dhobie</i>.</p>
+<p>But I find in him, at least, an illustration of another human
+infirmity.&nbsp; He takes in hand to eradicate the dirt which
+defiles the garment.&nbsp; But the one is closely mingled with
+the very fibres of the other, the one is impalpable, the other
+bulky and substantial, and so the torrent of his zealous rage
+unconsciously turns against the very substance of that which he
+set himself lovingly to purge and restore to its primitive
+purity.&nbsp; Indeed, I sometimes find that, while he has
+successfully wrecked the garment, he has overlooked the
+dirt!&nbsp; Greater and better men than the <i>Dhobie</i> are
+employed in the same way.</p>
+<p>Such are the consolations of philosophy,</p>
+<blockquote><p>&ldquo;But there was never yet philosopher<br />
+Who could endure the toothache patiently,&rdquo;</p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>much less the <i>Dhobie</i>.&nbsp; He is not tolerable.&nbsp;
+Submit to him we must, since resistance is futile; but his craven
+spirit makes submission difficult and resignation
+impossible.&nbsp; If he had the soul of a conqueror, if he wasted
+you like Attilla, if he flung his iron into the clothes-basket
+and cried <i>V&aelig; victis</i>, then a feeling of respect would
+soften the bitterness of the conquered; but he conceals his
+ravages like the white ant, and you are betrayed in the hour of
+need.&nbsp; When he comes in, limping and groaning under his
+stupendous bundle, and lays out <i>khamees</i>, <i>pyatloon</i>,
+and <i>pjama</i>, all so fair and decently folded, and delivers
+them by tale in a voice whose monotonous cadence seems to tell of
+some undercurrent of perennial sorrow in his life, who could
+guess what horrors his perfidious heart is privy to?&nbsp; Next
+morning, when you spring from your tub and shake out the great
+jail towel which is to wrap your shivering person in its warm
+folds, lo! it yawns from end to end.&nbsp; There is nothing but a
+border, a fringe, left.&nbsp; You fling on your clothes in
+unusual haste, for it is mail day morning.&nbsp; The most
+indispensible of them all has scarcely a remnant of a button
+remaining.&nbsp; You snatch up another which seems in better
+condition, and scramble into it; but, in the course of the day, a
+cold current of wind, penetrating where it ought not, makes you
+aware of what your friends behind your back have noticed for some
+time, <i>viz.</i>, that the starch with which a gaping rent had
+been carefully gummed together, that you might not see it, has
+melted and given way.&nbsp; The thought of these things makes a
+man feel like Vesuvius on the eve of an eruption; but you must
+wait for relief till <i>Dhobie</i> day next week, and then the
+poltroon has stayed at home, and sent his brother to report that
+he is suffering from a severe stomachache.&nbsp; When the
+miscreant makes his next appearance in person, he stands on one
+leg, with joined palms and a piteous bleat, and pleads an
+<i>alibi</i>.&nbsp; He was absent about the marriage of a
+relation, and his brother washed the clothes.&nbsp; So your lava
+falls back into its crater, or, I am afraid, more often overflows
+the surrounding country.</p>
+<p>My theory of the <i>Dhobie</i> is a mere speculation, a
+hypothesis deduced from broad, general principles.&nbsp; I do not
+pretend to have established it by scientific observation, and am
+very tolerant towards other theories, especially one which is
+supported by many competent authorities, and explains the
+<i>Dhobie</i> by supposing a league between him, the
+<i>dirzee</i> and the Boy.&nbsp; I think a close investigation
+into the natural history of the shirt would go far to establish
+this theory as at least partially true.&nbsp; In spite of the
+spread of &ldquo;Europe&rdquo; shops, the shirt is still
+abundantly produced from the vernacular <i>dirzee</i> sitting
+crossed-legged in the verandah, and each shirt will be found to
+furnish him, on the average, with about a week&rsquo;s lucrative
+employment.&nbsp; From his hands it passes to the <i>Dhobie</i>
+and returns with the buttons wanting, the buttonholes widened to
+great gaping fish-mouths, and the hems of the cuffs slightly
+frayed.&nbsp; The last is the most significant fact, because it
+leads to the discovery of one of those delicate adaptations which
+the student of nature has so often occasion to admire; for, on
+examination, we discover that the hem had been made with the
+least possible margin of cloth, as if to facilitate the process
+of fraying.&nbsp; As we know that economy of material is not an
+object with the <i>dirzee</i>, it has been maintained that there
+is some connection here.&nbsp; Next the shirt passes into the
+hands of the Boy, who takes his scissors and carefully pares the
+ragged edges of the cuffs and collar.&nbsp; A few rotations of
+<i>Dhobie</i> and Boy reduce the cuffs to the breadth of an inch,
+while the collar becomes a circular saw which threatens to take
+your head off.&nbsp; Then you fling the shirt to your Boy, and
+the <i>dirzee</i> is in requisition again.&nbsp; Observation of
+white trousers will lead to similar results.&nbsp; Between
+<i>Dhobie&rsquo;s</i> fury and Boy&rsquo;s repairs, the ends of
+the legs retreat steadily upwards to your knees, and by the time
+the Boy inherits them they are just his length.&nbsp; Remember, I
+do not say I believe in this explanation of the
+<i>Dhobie</i>.&nbsp; I give it for what it is worth.&nbsp; The
+subject is interesting and practical.</p>
+<p style="text-align: center">
+<a href="images/p85b.jpg">
+<img alt=
+"Homeward bound"
+title=
+"Homeward bound"
+ src="images/p85s.jpg" />
+</a></p>
+<p>Did you ever open your handkerchief with the suspicion that
+you had got a duster into your pocket by mistake, till the name
+of De Souza blazoned on the corner showed you that you were
+wearing someone else&rsquo;s property?&nbsp; An accident of this
+kind reveals a beneficent branch of the <i>Dhobie&rsquo;s</i>
+business, one in which he comes to the relief of needy
+respectability.&nbsp; Suppose yourself (if you can) to be Mr.
+Lobo, enjoying the position of first violinist in a string band
+which performs at Parsee weddings and on other festive
+occasions.&nbsp; <i>Noblesse oblige</i>; you cannot evade the
+necessity for clean shirt-fronts, ill able as your precarious
+income may be to meet it.&nbsp; In these circumstances a
+<i>Dhobie</i> with good connections is what you require.&nbsp; He
+finds you in shirts of the best quality at so much an evening,
+and you are saved all risk and outlay of capital; you need keep
+no clothes except a greenish black surtout and pants and an
+effective necktie.&nbsp; In this way the wealth of the rich helps
+the want of the poor without their feeling it, or knowing
+it&mdash;an excellent arrangement.&nbsp; Sometimes,
+unfortunately, Mr. Lobo has a few clothes of his own, and then,
+as I have hinted, the <i>Dhobie</i> may exchange them by mistake,
+for he is uneducated and has much to remember; but, if you
+occasionally suffer in this way, you gain in another, for Mr.
+Lobo&rsquo;s family are skilful with the needle, and I have sent
+a torn garment to the washing which returned skilfully
+repaired.</p>
+<p style="text-align: center">
+<a href="images/p86b.jpg">
+<img alt=
+"Dhobies"
+title=
+"Dhobies"
+ src="images/p86s.jpg" />
+</a></p>
+<p>I suspect I am getting bitter and ironical, and it will be
+wise to stop, for we are fickle creatures, the best of us, and it
+is quite possible that, in the mild twilight of life, in the old
+country, I shall find myself speaking benevolently of the
+<i>Dhobie</i>, and secretly wishing I could hear his plaintive
+monotone again counting out my linen at four rupees a
+hundred.</p>
+<h2><span class="smcap">The Ayah</span>.</h2>
+<p style="text-align: center">
+<a href="images/p89b.jpg">
+<img alt=
+"The Ayah"
+title=
+"The Ayah"
+ src="images/p89s.jpg" />
+</a></p>
+<p>I <span class="smcap">was</span> roaming among the flower-beds
+and bowers of a &ldquo;Peri&rsquo;s Paradise,&rdquo; known in
+Bombay as The Ladies Gymkhana, when I was startled by a voice
+like the sound of a passionate cart-wheel screaming for
+grease.&nbsp; &ldquo;Lub ob my heart,&rdquo; it cried, &ldquo;my
+eshweet, don&rsquo;t crei! don&rsquo;t crei!&rdquo;&nbsp; The
+owner of the voice was a woman with a negro type of countenance,
+as far as I remember, but her figure has remained with me better
+than her face.&nbsp; It was a portly figure, like that of a
+domestic duck in high condition, and her gait was, as Mr.
+Onoocool Chunder Mookerjee would say, &ldquo;well quadrate&rdquo;
+to the figure.&nbsp; Engulphed in her voluminous embrace was a
+little cherub, with golden curls and blue eyes dewy with passing
+tears&mdash;a pretty study of sunshine and shower.&nbsp; The
+great, bare arms of the pachyderm were loaded with bangles of
+silver and glass, which jingled with a warlike sound as she
+hugged her little charge and plastered its pretty cheeks with
+great gurgling kisses, which made one shudder and think
+involuntarily of the &ldquo;slime which the aspic leaves upon the
+caves of Nile.&rdquo;&nbsp; Many of us have been Anglo-Indian
+babies.&nbsp; Was there a time when we suffered caresses such as
+these?&nbsp; What a happy thing it is that Lethe flows over us as
+we emerge from infancy, and blots out all that was before.&nbsp;
+Another question has been stirring in my mind since that
+scene.&nbsp; What feeling or motive prompted those luscious
+blandishments?&nbsp; Was it simple hypocrisy?&nbsp; I do not
+think so.&nbsp; The pure hypocrite is much rarer than shallow
+people think, and, in any case, there was no inducement to make a
+display in my presence.&nbsp; What influence could I possibly
+exercise over the fortunes of that great female?&nbsp; A maternal
+hippopotamus in the Zoo would as soon think of hugging a young
+giraffe to propitiate the spectators.&nbsp; Of course you may
+take up the position that the hypocrisy is practised all day
+before her mistress, and that the mere momentum of habit carries
+it on at other times.&nbsp; This is plausible, but I suspect that
+such a case would rather come under the fundamental law that
+action and reaction are equal and opposite.&nbsp; Let us be
+charitable and look for better reasons.&nbsp; The mere milk of
+human kindness explains something, but not enough, and I am
+inclined to think that the <i>Ayah</i> is the subject of an
+indiscriminate maternal emotion, which runs where it can find a
+channel.&nbsp; The effect of culture is to specialise our
+affections and remove us further and further from the condition
+of the hen whose philoprogenitiveness embraces all chicks and
+ducklings; so it may well be that the poor <i>Ayah</i>, who has
+not had much culture, is better able than you or I to feel
+promiscuously parental towards babies in general, at least, if
+she can connect them in any way with herself.&nbsp; Towards
+babies in the care of another <i>Ayah</i> she has no charity;
+they are the brood of a rival hen and she would like to
+exterminate them.&nbsp; Again, we must love and hate, if we live
+at all.&nbsp; The <i>Ayah&rsquo;s</i> horizon is not wide, her
+sentiments are neither numerous nor complex, and her affections
+are not trained to lay hold of the abstract or the
+historical.&nbsp; If you question her, you will find that her
+heart does not bleed for the poor negro, and she is not in the
+habit of regarding the Emperor Caligula with abhorrence.&nbsp;
+She has one or two brothers or sisters, but they are far away and
+have become almost as historical as Caligula.&nbsp; In these
+circumstances, if she could not feel motherly towards babies,
+what feeling would be left to her?&nbsp; And, perhaps, if we knew
+her story, baby has a charm to open up an old channel, long since
+dry and choked with the sands of a desert life, in which a gentle
+stream of tenderness once flowed, with &ldquo;flowerets of
+Eden&rdquo; on its banks, and fertilised her poor nature.&nbsp;
+But we do not know her story.&nbsp; She says her husband is a
+cook.&nbsp; More about him she does not say, but she hugs
+&ldquo;Sunny Baba&rdquo; to her breast and kisses him and says
+that nothing shall ever part her from him till he grows to be a
+great <i>saheb</i>, with plenty of pay, when he will pension her
+and take care of her in her old age.&nbsp; And her eyes get
+moist, for she means it more or less; but next day she catches a
+cold and refuses food, saying that all her bones ache and her
+head is revolving; then the horror of dying among strangers,
+&ldquo;unhouseled, disappointed, unaneled,&rdquo; proves too much
+for the faithful creature, and she disappears without notice,
+leaving her darling and its mother to look out for another
+<i>Ayah</i>.</p>
+<p>It is a fortunate thing for us that the Ayah is able to
+conceive such a devouring passion for our children, for it
+appears, from her own statements, that but for this strong tie,
+nothing would induce her to stay a day in our service where the
+constant broils with the other servants, into which she is driven
+by her determination to be faithful to her own mistress, make
+life almost unbearable to a peaceable woman like her.&nbsp; The
+chief object of her righteous indignation is the
+&ldquo;Bootrail.&rdquo;&nbsp; She is so reluctant to make any
+personal complaint, that she would pass over his grudging her a
+little sugar in her morning tea, but when he takes away a whole
+cupful for his own children, conscience compels her to tell her
+mistress.&nbsp; She has often pointed out to him that such
+conduct is not right, and tried to reason with him, but he only
+insults her.&nbsp; The cook, being a notorious inebriate, plays
+into the &ldquo;Bootrail&rsquo;s&rdquo; hand, on condition that
+the latter will not tell upon him.&nbsp; Why did master send away
+the dinner last night without touching it?&nbsp; Because the cook
+was on the floor and the <i>matie</i> had to do the work.&nbsp;
+Chh!&nbsp; Chh!&nbsp; Chh!&nbsp; It is very shameful and makes
+her feel so bad.&nbsp; She herself is a teetotaler, as her
+mistress knows.&nbsp; That night when she was found with a pillow
+in her arms instead of the baby, singing to it and patting it to
+sleep, she had been smoking an English cheroot which a friend had
+given her, and, as she is accustomed only to country tobacco, it
+went to her head and stupefied her.&nbsp; Nothing would induce
+her to drink spirits, but the other servants are not like
+her.&nbsp; The <i>mussaul</i> is not a bad man, but the
+&ldquo;Bootrail&rsquo;s&rdquo; example infects him too.&nbsp; He
+barters the kerosine oil at the petty shop round the corner for
+arrack.&nbsp; As for the <i>hamal</i>, she is tired of fighting
+with him.&nbsp; From this account of herself you will be able to
+infer that the <i>Ayah</i> is not a favourite with the other
+servants; but she is powerful, and so with oriental prudence they
+veil their feelings.&nbsp; The butler indeed, tries to be proud
+and risks ruin, but the <i>mussaul</i> truckles to her, and the
+cook, who can spoil her dinner, and has some control over her,
+trims between her and the butler.&nbsp; The <i>hamal</i> is
+impracticable, and the <i>chupprassees</i> adhere to the party in
+power for the time being.</p>
+<p>The <i>Ayah</i> is the &ldquo;society&rdquo; newspaper of
+small stations, and is indispensable.&nbsp; The barber is the
+general newsagent, and, as we part with our beards in the
+morning, we learn from him all particulars of the dinner at the
+general&rsquo;s last night, and of the engagement that resulted
+between the pretty Missy Baba and the captain who has been so
+much about the house; also when the marriage is to take place, if
+the captain can get out of his debts, the exact amount of which
+Old Tom knows.&nbsp; He can tell us, too, the reason why she
+&ldquo;jawaubed&rdquo; him so often, being put up to it by her
+mother in the interests of a rival suitor, and he has authentic
+information as to the real grounds of the mother&rsquo;s change
+of tactics.&nbsp; But Old Tom is himself dependent on
+<i>Ayahs</i>, and there are matters beyond his range, matters
+which even in an Indian station cannot reach us by any male
+channel.&nbsp; They trickle from <i>madam</i> to <i>Ayah</i>,
+from <i>Ayah</i> to <i>Ayah</i>, and from <i>Ayah</i> to
+<i>madam</i>.&nbsp; Thus they ooze from house to house, and we
+are all saved from judging our neighbours by outward
+appearances.</p>
+<p>That scene in the Ladies&rsquo; Gymkhana comes back and haunts
+me.&nbsp; What if the impress of those swarthy lips on that fair
+cheek are but an outward symbol of impressions on a mind still as
+fair and pure, impressions which soap and water will not purge
+away!&nbsp; Yes, it is so.&nbsp; The <i>Ayah</i> hangs like a
+black cloud over and around the infant mind, and its earliest
+outlooks on the world are tinted by that medium.&nbsp; It lies
+with wondering blue eyes watching the coloured toys which she
+dangles before it, and takes in the elements of form and
+colour.&nbsp; She pats it to sleep, and, on the borders of
+dream-land, those &ldquo;sphere-born, harmonious sisters, voice
+and verse,&rdquo; visit it in the form of a plaintive ditty,
+which has for its simple burden,</p>
+<blockquote><p>Little, little fish<br />
+In bitter, bitter oil.<br />
+I will not part with one of them for three pice and a half.</p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>As its mind expands, new mysteries of the universe unfold
+themselves through the same interpreter.&nbsp; It learns to see
+through the hollowness of promises and threats before it knows
+the words in which they are framed.&nbsp; With the knowledge of
+words comes the knowledge of their use as means of concealing the
+truth and gaining its little ends.&nbsp; Then the painful
+experience of discipline and punishment reveals the same motherly
+figure in the new light of a protector and comforter, and it
+learns to contrast her with the stern persons whom she has taught
+it to call pa-pa and ma-ma.&nbsp; When they refuse anything on
+which it has set its childish heart, it knows to whom to go for
+sympathy.&nbsp; She will console it and teach little artifices,
+by which it may evade or circumvent them.&nbsp; She supplies
+discipline of another kind, however, and the yet simple trusting
+mind of the little Pantheist lives in terror of papa&rsquo;s
+red-faced friend with the big stomach, who eats up ten or twelve
+little children every day, and of the Borah with the great box
+full of black ants, in which he shuts up naughty boys till the
+ants pick the flesh from their disobedient bones.&nbsp; When it
+goes to the bandstand, it gazes from a safe distance on the big
+drum, full of boys and girls who would not let their hair be
+combed: it hears their groans at every stroke of the terrible
+drumstick.&nbsp; Thus the religious side of the tender nature is
+developed, and <i>Ayah</i> is the priestess.&nbsp; Under the same
+guidance it will, as it grows older, tread paths of knowledge
+which its parents never trod.&nbsp; Whither will they lead
+it?&nbsp; We know not who never joined in the familiar chat of
+<i>Ayahs</i> and servants, but imagination &ldquo;bodies forth
+the forms of things unseen&rdquo; and shudders.&nbsp; Let us
+rejoice that a merciful superstition, which regards the climate
+of India as deadly to European children, will step in and save
+the little soul.&nbsp; The climate would do it no harm, but there
+is a moral miasma more baneful than any which rises from the
+pestilential swamps of the Terai, or the Bombay Flats.</p>
+<p>
+<a href="images/p96b.jpg">
+<img class='floatleft' alt=
+"The Ayah"
+title=
+"The Ayah"
+ src="images/p96s.jpg" />
+</a>P. S.&mdash;I have just taken another look at our present
+<i>Ayah</i>.&nbsp; She is a little old woman from Goa, with
+humorous &ldquo;crow&rsquo;s feet&rdquo; at the corners of her
+kind eyes.&nbsp; She is very retiring and modest, and all the
+servants seem fond of her.&nbsp; It is evident that nature is
+various, and we cannot all be types.</p>
+<h2>R. R.&nbsp; <span class="smcap">The Pundit</span>.</h2>
+<p style="text-align: center">
+<a href="images/p97b.jpg">
+<img alt=
+"The Pundit"
+title=
+"The Pundit"
+ src="images/p97s.jpg" />
+</a></p>
+<p><span class="smcap">The</span> Pundit is like duty; his cough
+rouses us from our beds in the morning like the voice of
+conscience.&nbsp; Why must we pass examinations?&nbsp; Not that
+we may know the language of the people, for it is matter of daily
+observation, that of all the mysteries which perplex the humble
+mind of the country bumpkin in this land, causing him to scratch
+his&mdash;well, not his head&mdash;there is none which he gives
+up as hopeless sooner than the strange sounds addressed to him by
+the young <i>saheb</i> who has just passed his higher
+standard.&nbsp; He joins his palms in loyal acquiescence, and
+asserts that the gentleman is his father and mother.&nbsp; It was
+Swift, was it not, who suggested that all high offices of state
+should be filled by lot, because the result would be on the whole
+quite as satisfactory as that obtained by the present system,
+while disappointed candidates would curse Fortune, who has a
+broader back than the Prime Minister.&nbsp; No doubt examinations
+were introduced on the same sort of principle, to act as a buffer
+between the train of candidates and the engine of
+Government.&nbsp; That the examination often comes after instead
+of before the appointment is a necessary modification, without
+which no room would be left for the play of those kindly feelings
+for kith and kin which we bitterly nickname nepotism.&nbsp; Under
+this arrangement I have known a needy <i>nepos</i> of H. E.
+himself provided with a salary for a whole year, till he could
+hold the examination at bay no longer, when he evacuated his
+position and retreated to his friends.&nbsp; Whatever the
+explanation of the matter may be, it falls to the lot of most of
+us to experience the Pundit.&nbsp; I may remark here that he is
+very commonly called a Moonshee, on the same principle on which a
+horse is not called a cow.&nbsp; The Pundit is not a
+Moonshee.&nbsp; The Moonshee is a follower of the Prophet and
+teaches Oordoo, or Hindoostanee, while the Pundit is a Brahmin
+and instructs you in Marathee or Gujarathee.&nbsp; The Moonshee
+struggles to get you to disgorge the sound <i>ghain</i> and leads
+you through the enchanted mazes of the Bagh-o-Bahar; the Pundit
+distinguishes between the <i>kurmunnee</i> and the <i>kurturree
+prayog</i>, and has many knotty points of mythology to expound,
+in order that you may rightly understand his idioms and
+appreciate his proverbial sayings.&nbsp; Of Pundits there are
+three species, quite distinct from each other.&nbsp; The first I
+would recommend if your object should, by any chance, be to learn
+to speak the language intelligibly; but he knows no English, and
+you must gird yourself to work if you employ him.&nbsp; This sort
+of teacher does not suit the tastes of the present generation and
+is dying out, I think.&nbsp; The second kind is invaluable if
+your purpose is to pass an examination.&nbsp; He knows English
+well, dresses smartly, and is altogether a superior sort of
+person to the last, especially in his own estimation; but
+appearances are delusive, and the sign that really distinguishes
+him from other Pundits is that he enjoys in a high degree the
+esteem and confidence of a native member of the examining
+body.&nbsp; Another unfailing characteristic of him is that he
+requires a monstrous monthly stipend and the promise of a
+handsome <i>douceur</i> if you pass; but then you have the
+satisfaction of knowing that, if you fulfil the conditions, that
+happy result is certain.&nbsp; His system leaves no room for
+failure.&nbsp; Some people regard this man as a myth, but I have
+had authentic accounts of him from numerous young gentlemen who
+had failed in their examinations simply, as they themselves
+assured me, because they did not employ him.&nbsp; The third
+class consists of young men, aspirants to University honours and
+others, with some knowledge of English and a laudable desire to
+improve it by conversation with Englishmen.&nbsp; I do not know
+for what purpose this sort of Pundit is useful.</p>
+<p>Old Ragunath Rao belonged to the first of these three
+classes.&nbsp; He knew no English, and he desired to know none,
+neither English words nor English thoughts.&nbsp; He was an
+undiluted Brahmin.&nbsp; He had taught a former generation of
+Anglo-Indians, long since retired, or in their graves, and one or
+two of these, who were very religious men, had impressed him by
+their characters so deeply that he always spoke of them with
+reverence, as not men but divinities.&nbsp; The tide had ebbed
+away from him, and no one employed him now: he was very
+poor.&nbsp; His face was heavy, his ears like beef-steaks, with a
+fringe of long bristles round the edge and a bushy tuft of the
+same sprouting from the inside.&nbsp; His features were not
+pleasing, but strongly expressive of character, stubborn Hindoo
+character, self-disciplined, self-satisfied, and in a set
+attitude of defence against the invasions of novelty.&nbsp; His
+athletic intellect was exercised in all manner of curious
+questions.&nbsp; The only matter about which it never concerned
+itself was reality, the existence of which he probably
+doubted.&nbsp; At any rate, he considered truth, right, wrong, to
+be subjects for speculative philosophy.&nbsp; As a practical man,
+he had minutely acquainted himself with all the things that
+behoved to be believed by an orthodox Brahmin, and he was not the
+man to give way to mere facts.&nbsp; This frame of mind begot in
+him a large tolerance, for what possible connection could there
+be between what it became him to believe and what it became you
+to believe?&nbsp; If his son had turned a Christian, he could
+have swung him from a tree by his thumbs and toes and flagellated
+him from below with acute pleasure; but if you expounded
+Christian doctrines and morals to him, he would listen with
+profound admiration.&nbsp; A Christian who lived up to his creed
+he respected unfeignedly.&nbsp; Strange old man! like one of his
+own idols, not modelled upon anything that is in heaven or on
+earth.&nbsp; Are they not, he and the idol, the fruit of the same
+tree?</p>
+<p>What memories rise out of their graves at the mention of old
+Ragunath!&nbsp; Just about a quarter of an hour after his time he
+comes slowly up the steps, panting for breath, and leaving his
+shoes at the door, walks in with a <i>quasi</i> courtly
+salutation.&nbsp; As soon as he can recover his voice, he tells
+of a hair-breadth escape from sudden death.&nbsp; As he was
+crossing the road, a carriage and pair bore down on him.&nbsp; He
+stood petrified with terror, not knowing whether to hurry forward
+or turn back, but just as the horses were upon him, he made a
+frantic effort and gained the side-walk!&nbsp; He infers that his
+time to die had not arrived, and takes the occasion to impart
+some information about the planets and their influence on human
+destinies.&nbsp; Then we seat ourselves, and he takes my exercise
+(translation from Grant Duff), and reads it slowly in a muffled
+voice, which is forced to make its exit by the nose, the mouth
+being occupied with cardamoms or betel nut.&nbsp; As he reads he
+corrects with a pencil, but gives no explanation of his
+corrections; for you must not expect him to teach: he is a mine
+simply, in which you must dig for what you want.&nbsp; One thing
+you may depend on, that whatever you extract from that mine will
+be worth having, indigenous treasure, current wherever Hindoo
+thought is moving, very different from the foreign-flavoured
+pabulum with which your English smattering instructor charges his
+feeding bottle.&nbsp; The exercise gives Ragunath an opportunity
+of digressing into some traditional incident of Maratha history
+which escaped the researches of Mr. Grant Duff, an incident
+generally in which Maratha cunning (<i>sagacity</i> he calls it)
+triumphed over English stupidity.&nbsp; After the exercise comes
+the inevitable petition.&nbsp; I do not remember the subject of
+it&mdash;some grievance no doubt connected with hereditary rights
+in land&mdash;but it matters little; the whole document might as
+well be a Moabite stone recording the wars of Mesha with Jehoram,
+for not a letter of it stands out recognisable to my eyes.&nbsp;
+Indeed, no letter, or word either, stands out at all; the scribe
+seems never to have lifted his pen from his paper except for ink,
+and that generally in the middle of a word.&nbsp; However,
+Ragunath takes the greasy paper from my hand, remarks that the
+handwriting is good, and starts off reading it, or, I should say,
+intoning it, on exactly the same principle, <i>viz.</i>, never
+pausing except for breath, and that generally in the middle of a
+word.&nbsp; Then we read together the &ldquo;Garland of
+Pearls,&rdquo; which he illuminates with notes of his own.&nbsp;
+Speaking of old age, he remarks that the hair of some men ripens
+sooner than that of others, but that our heads must all grow grey
+as our brains get thin.&nbsp; He discourses on anatomy, food,
+digestion, the advisability of lying down on the left side for
+twenty minutes after meals, and on many things in heaven and
+earth which are not dreamed of in our philosophy.&nbsp; As the
+morning wears on, the old man, who is not accustomed to sitting
+on chairs, begins to fidget, and shows signs of a desire to
+gather up his feet into the seat and nurse them.&nbsp; At last
+drowsiness overtakes him.&nbsp; His eyes are open, but his mind
+is asleep, and I may do as I please with grammar and idiom: even
+when I yawn, he omits to snap his fingers and lets the devil skip
+down my throat.&nbsp; When he awakes he suggests that it is time
+to stop, and asks leave for the next day, as he has to renew his
+sacred thread.&nbsp; Poor old Ragunath!&nbsp; I fear he has gone
+long since to the burning ground on the banks of the Moota
+Moola.</p>
+<p>
+<a href="images/p104b.jpg">
+<img class='floatright' alt=
+"Learned repose"
+title=
+"Learned repose"
+ src="images/p104s.jpg" />
+</a>Before we part let me give you a hint.&nbsp; Always keep a
+separate chair for your Pundit, one isolated on glass legs, if
+possible.&nbsp; Even this does not afford complete security, for
+he now and then detects one of the many insects which you have
+watched coursing up and down his white scarf, and picking it off
+with his finger and thumb, puts it on the floor.&nbsp; His creed
+forbids him to take the life of anything which may possibly be
+the corporeal habitation of the spirit of one of his deceased
+ancestors, but these little insects irritate him, so he deports
+them as we do our loafers.</p>
+<h2><span class="smcap">Hurree</span>, <span class="smcap">the
+Dirzee</span>.</h2>
+<p>
+<a href="images/p105b.jpg">
+<img class='floatleft' alt=
+"Hurree"
+title=
+"Hurree"
+ src="images/p105s.jpg" />
+</a>A <span class="smcap">warm</span> altercation is going on in
+the verandah.&nbsp; A little human animal, with a very large red
+turban on his little head, stuck full of pins and threaded
+needles, stands on all fours over a garment of an unmentionable
+kind, which I recognise as belonging to me, and a piece of cloth
+lies before him, out of which he has cut a figure resembling the
+said garment.&nbsp; The scissors with which the operation was
+performed are still lying open upon the ground before him.&nbsp;
+His head is thrown so far back that the great turban rests
+between his shoulder blades, his brow is corrugated with
+perplexity, his mouth a little open, as if his lower jaw could
+not quite follow the rest of his upturned face.&nbsp; Hurree
+cannot know much about toothache.&nbsp; What would I not give for
+that set of incisors, regular as the teeth of a saw, and all as
+red as a fresh brick!&nbsp; I suppose the current quid of <i>pan
+suparee</i> is temporarily stowed away under that swelling in the
+left cheek, where the fierce black patch of whisker grows.&nbsp;
+The survival of a partial cheek pouch in some branches of the
+human race is a point that escaped Darwin.&nbsp; But I am
+digressing into reflections.&nbsp; To return: a lady is standing
+over the quadruped and evidently expressing serious displeasure
+in some form of that domestic language which we call
+Hindoostanee, with variations.&nbsp; The charge she lays against
+him seems to be that he has, in disregard of explicit
+instructions and defiance of common sense, made a blunder to
+which her whole past experience in India furnishes no parallel,
+and which has resulted in the total destruction of a whole piece
+of costly material, and the wreck of a garment for want of which
+the <i>saheb</i> (that is myself) will be put to a degree of
+inconvenience which cannot be estimated in rupees, and will most
+certainly be provoked to an outbreak of indignation too terrible
+to be described.&nbsp; So little do we know ourselves!&nbsp; I
+had no idea I harboured such a temper.&nbsp; However, Hurree does
+not tremble, but pleads that it was necessary to make the garment
+&ldquo;leetle silope,&rdquo; and though he admits that the slope
+is too great, he thinks the mistake can be remedied, and is
+pulling the cloth to see if it will not stretch to the required
+shape.&nbsp; Failing this, he has other remedies of a technical
+kind to suggest.&nbsp; I do not understand these matters, and
+cannot interpret his argument, but he puts his fingers on the
+floor and flings himself lightly to the other side of the cloth,
+to point out where he proposes to have a &ldquo;fals hame,&rdquo;
+or some other device.&nbsp; She rejects the proposal with scorn,
+and again impresses him with the consequences of his wicked
+blunder.&nbsp; At last I am glad to see that a compromise is
+effected, and the little man settles himself in the middle of a
+small carpet and locks his legs together so that his shins form
+an X and he sits on his feet.&nbsp; In this position he will ply
+his needle for the rest of the day at a rate inversely
+proportional to the distance of his mistress.&nbsp; When she
+retires for her afternoon <i>siesta</i> the needle will nap
+too.&nbsp; Then he will take out a little <i>Vade Mecum</i>,
+which is never absent from his waistband, and unroll it.&nbsp; It
+is many-coloured and contains little pockets, one for fragments
+of the spicy areca, one for the small tin box which contains
+fresh lime, one for cloves, one for cardamoms, and so on.&nbsp;
+He will put a little of this and a little of that into his palm,
+then roll them all up in a betel leaf out of another pocket, and
+push the parcel into his mouth.&nbsp; Thus refreshed he will go
+to work again, not, however, upon the garment to which he is now
+devoted, but upon a roll of coloured stuffs on which he is at the
+present moment sitting.&nbsp; You see, times are hard and Hurree
+has a large family, so he is obliged to eke out his salary by
+contract work for the <i>mussaul</i>.&nbsp; His work suffers from
+other interruptions.&nbsp; When the carriage of a visitor is
+heard, he has to awaken the <i>chupprassee</i> on duty at the
+door, and on his own account he goes out to drink water at least
+as often as the <i>chupprassee</i> himself.&nbsp; As the day
+draws near its close, he watches the shadow like a hireling, and
+when it touches the foot of the long arm chair, he springs to his
+feet, rolls up his rags and threads into a bundle, and trips
+gaily out.&nbsp; As he does so you will observe that his legs are
+bandy, the knees refusing to approach each other.&nbsp; This is
+the result of the position in which he spends his days.</p>
+<p style="text-align: center">
+<a href="images/p106b.jpg">
+<img alt=
+"A &ldquo;leelte silope&rdquo;"
+title=
+"A &ldquo;leelte silope&rdquo;"
+ src="images/p106s.jpg" />
+</a></p>
+<p>This is how we clothe ourselves in our Indian empire.&nbsp;
+Our smooth and comfortable <i>khakee</i> suits, our ample
+<i>pyjamas</i>, the cool white jackets in which we dine, in this
+way are they brought about.&nbsp; But you must not allow yourself
+to think of the <i>Dirzee</i> simply as an agency for producing
+clothes.&nbsp; Life is not made up of such simplicities.&nbsp;
+The <i>raison d&rsquo;&ecirc;tre</i> of that mango tree lies
+without doubt in the chalice of nectar, called &ldquo;mango
+fool,&rdquo; with which Domingo appeases me when he guesses that
+his enormities have gone beyond the limits even of my endurance;
+but I see that thirty-seven candidates for the place of the
+<i>chupprassee</i> who went on leave yesterday have encamped
+under its shade, that they may watch for my face in the
+verandah.&nbsp; The trespassing goat also has browsed on its
+leaves, and from the shelter of its branches the Magpie Robin
+pours that stream of song which, just before the dawning of the
+day, in the cloudy border land between sleeping and waking flows
+over my soul.&nbsp; But I shall never really know the place that
+tree has filled in my life, unless someone cuts it down and gives
+me a full view, from my easy chair, of the dirty
+brick-burners&rsquo; hut, with the poisonous film of blue smoke
+playing over the kiln, and the family of pariah puppies below,
+sporting with the sun-dried remains of a fowl, which deceased in
+my yard and was purloined by their gaunt mother.&nbsp; Now let
+imagination blot out the <i>Dirzee</i>.&nbsp; Remove him from the
+verandah.&nbsp; Take up his carpet and sweep away the
+litter.&nbsp; What a strange void there is in the place!&nbsp;
+Eliminate him from a lady&rsquo;s day.&nbsp; Let nine
+o&rsquo;clock strike, but bring no stealthy footstep to the door,
+no muffled voice making respectful application for his
+<i>Kam</i>.&nbsp; From nine to ten breakfast will fill the
+breach, and you may allow another hour for the butler&rsquo;s
+account and the godown; but there is still a yawning chasm of at
+least two hours between eleven and tiffin.&nbsp; I cannot bridge
+it.&nbsp; Imagination strikes work.&nbsp; The joyful sound of the
+Borah&rsquo;s voice brings promise of relief; but no! for what
+interest can there be in the Borah if you have no
+<i>Dirzee</i>?&nbsp; In the spirit of fair play, however, I must
+mention that my wife does not endorse all this.&nbsp; On the
+contrary, she tells me (she has a terse way of speaking) that it
+is &ldquo;rank bosh.&rdquo;&nbsp; She declares that the
+<i>Dirzee</i> is the bane of her life, that he is worse than a
+fly, that she cannot sit down to the piano for five minutes but
+he comes buzzing round for black thread, or white thread, or
+mother-o-pearl buttons, or hooks and eyes, that every evening for
+the last month he has watched her getting ready for to drive, and
+just as her foot was on the carriage step, has reminded her, with
+a cough, that his work was finished and he had nothing to
+do.&nbsp; If she could only do without him, she would send him
+about his business and be the happiest woman in the world, for
+she could devote the whole day to music and painting and the
+improvement of her mind.&nbsp; Of course I assent.&nbsp; That is
+a very commendable way of thinking about the matter.&nbsp; But,
+as an amateur philosopher, I warn you never to let yourself get
+under practical bondage to such notions.&nbsp; I tell you when
+you betake yourself to music or painting, carpentry or gardening,
+as a means of getting through the day, you are sapping your
+mental constitution and shortening your life: unless you are
+sustained by more than ordinary littleness of mind you will never
+see threescore and ten.&nbsp; All these things are good in
+proportion as you have difficulty in finding time for them.&nbsp;
+When you have to rise early in the morning and work hard to make
+a little leisure for your favourite hobby, then you are getting
+its blessing.&nbsp; Now, the <i>Dirzee</i> is not a means of
+killing time.&nbsp; On the contrary, I see that he compels his
+mistress to take thought how she may save time alive, if she
+wishes to get anything done.&nbsp; He hurries the day along and
+scatters its hours, so that <i>ennui</i> cannot find an empty
+minute to lurk in.&nbsp; I do not deny that he is the occasion of
+a few provocations, and the simile of the fly is just; but are
+not provocations an element in the interest of every pursuit, the
+pepper which flavours all pleasant occupation?&nbsp; I collect
+butterflies, and my friends think I am a man to be envied because
+I have such a taste.&nbsp; Do they suppose a butterfly catcher
+has no provocations?&nbsp; Was it seventeen or seventy times (I
+forget) in one page that I laid down my pen, put off my
+spectacles and caught up my net to rush after that brute of a
+<i>Papilio polymnestor</i>, who just came to the <i>duranta</i>
+flowers to flout me and skip over the wall into the next
+garden?&nbsp; And does anyone but a butterfly hunter know how it
+feels to open your cabinet drawers just a few hours after the
+ants have got the news that the camphor is done?&nbsp; Does
+anyone but an entomologist know the grub of <i>Dermestes
+intolerabilis</i>?&nbsp; Why should a collection of butterflies
+be called an object of perennial interest and delight, and the
+<i>Dirzee</i> an unmitigated provocation?&nbsp; They are both of
+one family.&nbsp; Nothing is unmitigated in this world.</p>
+<p>Maria Graham tells us that in her time &ldquo;the
+<i>Dirdjees</i>, or tailors, in Bombay&rdquo; were &ldquo;Hindoos
+of respectable caste,&rdquo; but in these days the Goanese, who
+has not capacity to be a butler or cook, becomes a <i>Dirzee</i>,
+and in Bombay I have seen Bunniah <i>Dirzees</i>.&nbsp; Hurree
+can hold his own against these, I doubt not, but the advancing
+tide of civilization is surely crumbling down his
+foundations.&nbsp; It is not only the &ldquo;Europe&rdquo; shop
+in Bombay that takes the bread out of his month, but in the
+smallest and most remote stations, Narayen, &ldquo;Tailor,
+Outfitter, Milliner, and Dressmaker,&rdquo; hangs out his
+sign-board, and under it pale, consumptive youths of the Shimpee
+caste bend over their work by lamplight, and sing the song of the
+shirt to the whirr-rr-rr of sewing machines.&nbsp; And as Hurree
+goes by on his way home, his prophetic soul tells him that his
+son will not live the happy and independent life which has fallen
+to his lot.&nbsp; But he has a bulwark still in the
+<i>dhobie</i>, for the &ldquo;Tailor and Outfitter&rdquo; will
+not repair frayed cuffs, and the sewing machine cannot put on
+buttons.&nbsp; And Hurree is not ungrateful, for I observe that,
+when the <i>dhobie</i> delivers up your clothes in a state which
+requires the <i>Dirzee</i>, the <i>Dirzee</i> always gives them
+back in a condition which demands the <i>dhobie</i>.</p>
+<p style="text-align: center">
+<a href="images/p113b.jpg">
+<img alt=
+"The Dirzee"
+title=
+"The Dirzee"
+ src="images/p113s.jpg" />
+</a></p>
+<h2><span class="smcap">The Malee</span>.</h2>
+<blockquote><p>&ldquo;Another custom is their sitting always on
+the ground with their knees up to their chins, which I know not
+how to account for.&rdquo;&mdash;<i>Daniel Johnson</i>.</p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>
+<a href="images/p114b.jpg">
+<img class='floatleft' alt=
+"The Malee"
+title=
+"The Malee"
+ src="images/p114s.jpg" />
+</a>I <span class="smcap">have</span> been watching Thomas Otway,
+gardener.&nbsp; His coat hangs on a tree hard by, and he,
+standing in his shirt sleeves, is slaughtering regiments of weeds
+with a long hoe.&nbsp; When they are all uprooted and prostrate,
+he changes his weapon for a fork, with which he tosses them about
+and shakes them free of soil and gathers them into heaps.&nbsp;
+Then he brings a wheel-barrow, and, piling them into it until it
+can hold no more, goes off at a trot.&nbsp; I am told his only
+fault is that he is <i>slow</i>.</p>
+<p>I have also stood watching Peelajee.&nbsp; He, too, is a
+gardener, called by his own people a <i>Malee</i>, and by us,
+familiarly, a <i>Molly</i>.&nbsp; He sits in an attitude not easy
+to describe, but familiar to all who have resided in the otiose
+East.&nbsp; You will get at it by sitting on your own heels and
+putting your knees into your armpits.&nbsp; In this position
+Peelajee can spend the day with much comfort, which is a
+wonderful provision of nature.&nbsp; At the present moment he
+also is engaged in the operation of weeding.&nbsp; In his right
+hand is a small species of sickle called a <i>koorpee</i>, with
+which he investigates the root of each weed as a snipe feels in
+the mud for worms; then with his left hand he pulls it out,
+gently shakes the earth off it, and contributes it to a small
+heap beside him.&nbsp; When he has cleared a little space round
+him, he moves on like a toad, without lifting himself.&nbsp; He
+enlivens his toil by exchanging remarks upon the weather as
+affecting the price of grain, the infirmity of my temper and
+other topics of personal interest, with an assistant, whom he
+persuaded me to engage by the day, pleading the laborious nature
+of this work of weeding.&nbsp; When two or three square yards
+have been cleared, they both go away, and return in half an hour
+with a very small basket, which one holds while the other fills
+it with the weeds.&nbsp; Then the assistant balances it on his
+head, and sets out at one mile an hour for the garden gate, where
+he empties it on the roadside.&nbsp; Then he returns at the same
+rate, with the empty basket on his head, to Peelajee, who is
+occupied sitting waiting for him.</p>
+<p>It is clear that there may be two ways of doing the same
+thing.&nbsp; I have no doubt there is much to be said for both,
+but, upon the whole, the advantage seems to lie with the
+<i>Malee</i>.&nbsp; Otway does as much work in a day as Peelajee
+does in a week.&nbsp; But why should a day be better than a
+week?&nbsp; If you turn the thing round, and look at the other
+side of it, you will find that Otway costs three shillings a day
+and Peelajee two rupees a week.&nbsp; So, if you are in a hurry,
+you can employ half a dozen Peelajees, and feel that you are
+making six families in the world happy instead of only one.&nbsp;
+And I am sure the calm and peaceful air of Peelajee, as he moves
+about the garden, must be good for the soul and promote
+longevity.&nbsp; I hate bustle, and I can vouch for Peelajee that
+he never bustles.&nbsp; However, there is no need of odious
+comparisons.&nbsp; There is a time for everything under the sun,
+and a place.&nbsp; Here, in India, we have need of
+Peelajee.&nbsp; He is a necessary part of the machinery by which
+our exile life is made to be the graceful thing it often
+is.&nbsp; I pass by bungalow after bungalow, each in its own
+little paradise, and look upon the green lawn successfully
+defying an unkind climate, the islands of mingled foliage in
+profuse, confused beauty, the gay flower beds, the clean gravel
+paths with their trim borders, the grotto in a shady corner,
+where fern and moss mingle, all dripping as if from recent
+showers and make you feel cool in spite of all thermometers, and
+I say to myself, &ldquo;Without the <i>Malee</i> all this would
+not be.&rdquo;&nbsp; Neither with the <i>Malee</i> alone would
+this be, but something very different.&nbsp; I admit that.&nbsp;
+But is not this just one secret of the beneficent influence he
+has on us?&nbsp; Your &ldquo;Scotch&rdquo; gardener is altogether
+too good.&nbsp; He obliterates you&mdash;reduces you to a
+spectator.&nbsp; But keeping a <i>Malee</i> draws you out, for he
+compels you to look after him, and if you are to look after him,
+you must know something about his art, and if you do not know,
+you must learn.&nbsp; So we Anglo-Indians are gardeners almost to
+a man, and spend many pure, happy hours with the pruning shears
+and the budding knife, and this we owe to the <i>Malee</i>.&nbsp;
+When I say you must look after him, I do not disparage his skill;
+he is neat handed and knows many things; but his taste is
+elementary.&nbsp; He has an eye for symmetry, and can take
+delight in squares and circles and parallel lines; but the more
+subtle beauties of unsymmetrical figures and curves which seem to
+obey no law are hid from him.&nbsp; He loves bright tints
+especially red and yellow, with a boy&rsquo;s love for sugar; he
+cannot have too much of them; but he has no organ for perceiving
+harmony in colour, and so the want of it does not pain him.&nbsp;
+The chief avenue, however, by which the delights of a
+gardener&rsquo;s life reach him is the sense of smell.&nbsp; He
+revels in sweet odours; but here, too, he seeks for strength
+rather than what we call delicacy.&nbsp; In short, the enjoyment
+which he finds in the tones of his native <i>tom-tom</i> may be
+taken as typical of all his pleasures.&nbsp; I find however, that
+Peelajee understands the principles of toleration, and,
+recognising that he caters for my pleasure rather than his own,
+is quite willing to abandon his favourite yellow marigold and
+luscious jasmine for the <i>pooteena</i> and the <i>beebeena</i>
+and the <i>fullax</i>.&nbsp; But perhaps you do not know these
+flowers by their Indian names.&nbsp; We call them <i>petunia</i>,
+<i>verbena</i>, and <i>phlox</i>.&nbsp; This is, doubtless,
+another indication of our Aryan brotherhood.</p>
+<p>Peelajee is industrious after the Oriental method&mdash;that
+is to say, he is always doing something, but is economical of
+energy rather than time.&nbsp; If there are more ways than one of
+doing a thing, he has an unerring instinct which guides him to
+choose the one that costs least trouble.&nbsp; He is a fatalist
+in philosophy, and this helps him too.&nbsp; For example, when he
+transplants a rose bush, he saves himself the trouble of digging
+very deep by breaking the root, for if the plant is to live it
+will live, and if it is to die it will die.&nbsp; Some plants
+live, he remarks, and some plants die.&nbsp; The second half of
+this aphorism is only too true.&nbsp; In fact, many of my best
+plants not only die, but suddenly and entirely disappear.&nbsp;
+If I question Peelajee, he denies that I ever had them, and
+treats me as a dreamer of dreams.&nbsp; I would not be
+uncharitable, but a little suspicion, like a mouse, lurks in the
+crevices of my mind that Peelajee surreptitiously carries on a
+small business as a seedsman and nursery gardener, and I know
+that in his simple mind he is so identified with his master that
+<i>meum</i> and <i>tuum</i> blend, as it were, into one.&nbsp; I
+am restrained from probing into the matter by a sensitiveness
+about certain other mysteries which may be bound up with this,
+and about which I have always suppressed my curiosity.&nbsp; For
+example, where do the beautiful flowers which decorate my table
+grow?&nbsp; Not altogether in my garden.&nbsp; So much I know:
+more than that I think it prudent not to know.&nbsp; For this
+reason, as I said, I forbear to make close scrutiny into what may
+be called the undercurrent of Peelajee&rsquo;s operations, but I
+notice that he always has in hand large beds of cuttings from my
+best roses and crotons, and these flourish up to a certain point,
+after which I lose all trace of them.&nbsp; He says that an
+insidious caterpillar attacks their roots, so that they all grow
+black and wither away suddenly.&nbsp; I fall upon him and tell
+him that he is to blame.&nbsp; He protests that he cannot control
+underground caterpillars.&nbsp; He knows that I suspect, and I
+suspect that he knows, but a veil of dissimulation, however
+transparent, averts a crisis, so we fence for a time till he
+understands clearly that, when he propagates my plants, he must
+reserve a decent number for me.</p>
+<p>Griffins and travelling M.P.s are liable to suppose that the
+<i>Malee</i> is a gardener, and <i>ergo</i> that you keep him to
+attend to your garden.&nbsp; This is an error.&nbsp; He is a
+gardener, of course, but the primary use of him is to produce
+flowers for your table, and you need him most when you have no
+garden.&nbsp; A high-class <i>Malee</i> of good family and
+connections is quite independent of a garden.&nbsp; It seems
+necessary, however, that your neighbours should have gardens.</p>
+<p>The highest branch of the <i>Malee&rsquo;s</i> art is the
+making of nosegays, from the little &ldquo;buttonhole,&rdquo;
+which is equivalent to a cough on occasions when <i>baksheesh</i>
+seems possible, to the great valedictory or Christmas
+bouquet.&nbsp; The manner of making these is as follows.&nbsp;
+First you gather your flowers, cutting the stalks as short as
+possible, and tie each one firmly to an artificial stalk of thin
+bamboo.&nbsp; Then you select some large and striking flower for
+a centre, and range the rest round it in rings of beautiful
+colours.&nbsp; If your bull&rsquo;s eye is a sunflower, then you
+may gird it with a broad belt of red roses.&nbsp; Yellow
+marigolds may follow, then another ring of red roses, then lilac
+bougainvillea, then something blue, after which you may have a
+circle of white jasmine, and so on.&nbsp; Finally, you fringe the
+whole with green leaves, bind it together with pack thread, and
+tie it to the end of a short stick.&nbsp; If the odour of rose,
+jasmine, chumpa, oleander, etc., is not sufficient, you can mix a
+good quantity of mignonette with the leaves on the outside, but,
+in any case, it is best to sprinkle the whole profusely with rose
+water.&nbsp; This will make a bouquet fit to present to a
+Commissioner.</p>
+<p style="text-align: center">
+<a href="images/p121b.jpg">
+<img alt=
+"The highest style of art"
+title=
+"The highest style of art"
+ src="images/p121s.jpg" />
+</a></p>
+<h2><span class="smcap">The Bheestee</span>.</h2>
+<p>
+<a href="images/p122b.jpg">
+<img class='floatleft' alt=
+"The Bheestee"
+title=
+"The Bheestee"
+ src="images/p122s.jpg" />
+</a><span class="smcap">The</span> <i>malee</i> has an ally
+called the <i>Bheestee</i>.&nbsp; If you ask, Who is the
+<i>Bheestee</i>?&nbsp; I will tell you.&nbsp; <i>Behisht</i> in
+the Persian tongue means Paradise, and a <i>Bihishtee</i> is,
+therefore, an inhabitant of Paradise, a cherub, a seraph, an
+angel of mercy.&nbsp; He has no wings; the painters have
+misconceived him; but his back is bowed down with the burden of a
+great goat-skin swollen to bursting with the elixir of
+life.&nbsp; He walks the land when the heaven above him is brass
+and the earth iron, when the trees and shrubs are languishing and
+the last blade of grass has given up the struggle for life, when
+the very roses smell only of dust, and all day long the roaring
+&ldquo;dust devils&rdquo; waltz about the fields, whirling leaf
+and grass and corn stalk round and round and up and away into the
+regions of the sky; and he unties a leather thong which chokes
+the throat of his goat-skin just where the head of the poor old
+goat was cut off, and straight-way, with a life-reviving gurgle,
+the stream called <i>thunda panee</i> gushes forth, and plant and
+shrub lift up their heads and the garden smiles again.&nbsp; The
+dust also on the roads is laid and a grateful incense rises from
+the ground, the sides of the water chatty grow dark and moist and
+cool themselves in the hot air, and through the dripping
+interstices of the <i>khuskhus</i> tattie a chilly fragrance
+creeps into the room, causing the mercury in the thermometer to
+retreat from its proud place.&nbsp; Nay, the seraph finds his way
+to your very bath-room, and discharging a cataract into the great
+tub, leaves it heaving like the ocean after a storm.&nbsp; When
+you follow him there, you will thank that nameless poet who gave
+our humble Aquarius the title he bears.&nbsp; Surely in the world
+there can be no luxury like an Indian &ldquo;tub&rdquo; after a
+long march, or a morning&rsquo;s shooting, in the month of
+May.&nbsp; I know of none.&nbsp; Wallace says that to eat a
+<i>durian</i> is a new sensation, worth a voyage to the East to
+experience.&nbsp; &ldquo;A rich, butterlike custard, highly
+flavoured with almonds, gives the best general idea of it, but
+intermingled with it come wafts of flavour which call to mind
+cream cheese, onion sauce, brown sherry, and other
+incongruities.&rdquo;&nbsp; If this is true, then eating a
+<i>durian</i> must, in its way, be something like having a
+tub.&nbsp; That certainly is a new sensation.&nbsp; I cannot tell
+what gives the best general idea of it, but there are mingled
+with it many wafts of a vigorous enjoyment, which touch you, I
+think, at a higher point in your nature than cream cheese or
+onion sauce.&nbsp; There is first the enfranchisement of your
+steaming limbs from gaiter and shooting boot, buckskin and
+flannel; then the steeping of your sodden head in the pellucid
+depth, with bubaline snortings and expirations of satisfaction;
+then, as the first cold stream from the &ldquo;tinpot&rdquo;
+courses down your spine, what electric thrills start from a dozen
+ganglia and flush your whole nervous system with new life!&nbsp;
+Finally, there is the plunge and the wallow and the splash, with
+a feeling of kinship to the porpoise in its joy, under the
+influence of which the most silent man becomes vocal and makes
+the walls of the narrow <i>ghoosulkhana</i> resound with amorous,
+or patriotic, song.&nbsp; A flavour of sadness mingles here, for
+you must come out at last, but the ample gaol towel receives you
+in its warm embrace and a glow of contentment pervades your
+frame, which seems like a special preparation for the soothing
+touch of cool, clean linen, and white duck, or smooth
+<i>khakee</i>.&nbsp; And even before the voice of the butler is
+heard at the door, your olfactory nerves, quickened by the tonic
+of the tub, have told you what he is going to say.</p>
+<p>Some people in India always bathe in hot water, not for their
+sins, but because they like it.&nbsp; At least, so they say, and
+it may be true, for I have been told that you may get a taste
+even for drinking hot water if you keep at it long enough.</p>
+<p style="text-align: center">
+<a href="images/p126b.jpg">
+<img alt=
+"The well"
+title=
+"The well"
+ src="images/p126s.jpg" />
+</a></p>
+<p>The <i>Bheestee</i> is the only one of all our servants who
+never asks for a rise of pay on account of the increase of his
+family.&nbsp; But he is not like the other servants.&nbsp; We do
+not think of him as one of the household.&nbsp; We do not know
+his name, and seldom or never speak to him; but I follow him
+about, as you would some little animal, and observe his
+ways.&nbsp; I find that he always stands on his left leg, which
+is like an iron gate-post, and props himself with his
+right.&nbsp; I cannot discover whether he straightens out when he
+goes home at night, but when visible in the daytime, he is always
+bowed, either under the weight of his <i>mussuk</i> or the
+recollection of it.&nbsp; The constant application of that great
+cold poultice must surely bring on chronic lumbago, but he does
+not complain.&nbsp; I notice, however, that his waist is always
+bound about with many folds of unbleached cotton cloth and other
+protective gear.&nbsp; The place to study him to advantage is the
+<i>bowrie</i>, or station well, in a little hollow at the foot of
+a hill.&nbsp; Of course there are many wells, but some have a bad
+reputation for guineaworm, and some are brackish, and some are
+jealously guarded by the Brahmins, who curse the <i>Bheestee</i>
+if he approaches, and some are for low caste people.&nbsp; This
+well is used by the station generally, and the water of it is
+very &ldquo;sweet.&rdquo;&nbsp; Any native in the place will tell
+you that if you drink of this well you will always have an
+appetite for your meals and digest your food.&nbsp; It is
+circular and surrounded by a strong parapet wall, over which, if
+you peep cautiously into the dark abyss, you may catch a sight of
+the wary tortoise, which shares with a score or so of gigantic
+frogs the task of keeping the water &ldquo;sweet.&rdquo;&nbsp; It
+was introduced for the purpose by a thoughtful <i>Bheestee</i>:
+the frogs fell in.&nbsp; Wild pigeons have their nests in holes
+in the sides of the well.&nbsp; Here, morning and evening, you
+will find the <i>Bheestees</i> of the station congregated, some
+coming and some going, like bees at the mouth of a hive, but most
+standing on the wall and letting down their leather buckets into
+the water.&nbsp; As they begin to haul these up again hand over
+hand, you will look to see them all topple head foremost into the
+well, but they do not as a rule.&nbsp; It makes an imaginative
+European giddy to look down into that Tartarean depth; but then
+the <i>Bheestee</i> is not imaginative.&nbsp; As the hot season
+advances, the water retreats further and further into the bowels
+of the earth, and the labour of filling the <i>mussuk</i> becomes
+more and more arduous.&nbsp; At the same time, the demand for
+water increases, for man is thirsty and the ground parched.&nbsp;
+So the toils of the poor <i>Bheestee</i> march <i>pari passu</i>
+with the tyranny of the climate, and he grows thin and very
+black.&nbsp; Then, with the rain, his vacation begins.&nbsp;
+Happy man if his master does not cut his pay down on the ground
+that he has little to do.&nbsp; We masters sometimes do that kind
+of thing.</p>
+<p>I believe the <i>mussuk</i> bearer is the true and original
+<i>Bheestee</i>, but in many places, as wealth and luxury have
+spread, he has emancipated his own back and laid his burden on
+the patient bullock, which walks sagaciously before him, and
+stops at the word of command beside each flower-pot or
+bush.&nbsp; He treats his slave kindly, hanging little bells and
+<i>cowries</i> about its neck.&nbsp; If it is refractory he does
+not beat it, but gently reviles its female ancestors.&nbsp; I
+like the <i>Bheestee</i> and respect him.&nbsp; As a man, he is
+temperate and contented, eating <i>bajree</i> bread and slacking
+his thirst with his own element.&nbsp; The author of Hobson
+Jobson says he never saw a drunken <i>Bheestee</i>.&nbsp; And as
+a servant he is laborious and faithful, rarely shirking his work,
+seeking it out rather.&nbsp; For example, we had a bottle-shaped
+filter of porous stoneware, standing in a bucket of water, which
+it was his duty to fill daily; but the good man, not content with
+doing his bare duty, took the plug out of the filter and filled
+it too!&nbsp; And all the station knows how assiduously he fills
+the rain gauge.&nbsp; But what I like best in him is his love of
+nature.&nbsp; He keeps a tame lark in a very small cage, covered
+with dark cloth that it may sing, and early in the morning you
+will find him in the fields, catching grasshoppers for his little
+pet.&nbsp; I am speaking of a Mahomedan <i>Bheestee</i>.&nbsp;
+You must not expect love of nature in a Hindoo.</p>
+<p style="text-align: center">
+<a href="images/p129b.jpg">
+<img alt=
+"His little pet"
+title=
+"His little pet"
+ src="images/p129s.jpg" />
+</a></p>
+<h2><span class="smcap">Tom</span>, <span class="smcap">the
+Barber</span>.</h2>
+<p>
+<a href="images/p130b.jpg">
+<img class='floatleft' alt=
+"The Barber"
+title=
+"The Barber"
+ src="images/p130s.jpg" />
+</a><span class="smcap">In India</span> it is not good form to
+shave yourself.&nbsp; You ought to respect the religious
+prejudices and social institutions of the people.&nbsp; If
+everyone shaved himself, how would the Barber&rsquo;s stomach be
+filled?&nbsp; The pious feeling which prompts this question lies
+deep in the heart of Hindoo society.&nbsp; We do not understand
+it.&nbsp; How can we, with our cold-blooded creed of demand and
+supply, free trade and competition, fair field and no
+favour?&nbsp; In this ancient land, whose social system is not a
+deformed growth, but a finished structure, nothing has been left
+to chance, least of all a man&rsquo;s beard; for, cleanliness and
+godliness not being neighbours here, a beard well matted with
+ashes and grease is the outward and visible sign of
+sanctity.&nbsp; And so, in the golden age, when men did
+everything that is wise and right, there was established a caste
+whose office it was to remove that sign from secular chins.&nbsp;
+How impious and revolutionary then must it be for a man who is
+not a barber to tamper with his own beard, thus taking the bread
+out of the mouths of barbers born, and blaspheming the wisdom of
+the ancient founders of civilization!&nbsp; It is true that,
+during the barbers&rsquo; strike a few years ago, the Brahmins,
+even of orthodox Poona, consecrated a few of their own number to
+the use of the razor.&nbsp; But desperate diseases demand
+desperate remedies.&nbsp; When the barbers struck, Nature did not
+strike.&nbsp; Beards grew as before, and threatened to change the
+whole face of society.&nbsp; In view of such an appalling crisis
+who would say anything was unlawful?&nbsp; Besides, British rule
+is surely undermining the very foundations of society, and I
+doubt if you could find a Brahmin to-day under fifty years of age
+whose heart is not more or less corroded by the spirit of
+change.&nbsp; Your young University man is simply honey-combed:
+he can scarcely conceal his mind from his own mother or wife.</p>
+<p>
+<a href="images/p132b.jpg">
+<img class='floatright' alt=
+"A happy patient"
+title=
+"A happy patient"
+ src="images/p132s.jpg" />
+</a>But I must return to the Barber.&nbsp; The natives call him
+<i>hujjam</i>.&nbsp; He has been bred so true for a score or so
+of centuries that shaving must be an instinct with him now.&nbsp;
+His right hand is as delicate an organ as a foxhound&rsquo;s
+nose.&nbsp; I believe that, when inebriated, he goes on shaving,
+just as a toad deprived of its brain will walk and eat and
+scratch its nose.&nbsp; If you put a jagged piece of tin into the
+hand of a baby <i>hujjam</i>, he will scrape his little
+sister&rsquo;s face with it.&nbsp; In India, as you know, every
+caste has its own &ldquo;points,&rdquo; and you can distinguish a
+Barber as easily as a <i>dhobie</i> or a Dorking hen.&nbsp; He is
+a sleek, fair-complexioned man, dressed in white, with an ample
+red turban, somewhat oval in shape, like a sugared almond.&nbsp;
+He wears large gold earrings in the upper part of his ears, and
+has a sort of false stomach, which, at a distance, gives him an
+aldermanic figure, but proves, on a nearer view, to be made of
+leather, and to have many compartments, filled with razors,
+scissors, soap, brush, comb, mirror, tweezers, earpicks, and
+other instruments of a more or less surgical character; for he
+is, indeed, a surgeon, and especially an aurist and narist.&nbsp;
+When he takes a Hindoo head into his charge, he does not confine
+himself to the chin or scalp, but renovates it all over.&nbsp;
+The happy patient enjoys the operation, sitting proudly in a
+public place.&nbsp; When a Barber devotes himself to European
+heads he rises in the social scale.&nbsp; If he has any real
+talent for his profession, he soon rises to the rank and title of
+Tom, and may eventually be presented with a small hot-water jug,
+bearing an inscription to the effect that it is a token of the
+respect and esteem in which he was held by the officers of the
+&mdash;th Regiment at the station of Daree-nai-hona.&nbsp; This
+is equivalent to a C. I. E., but is earned by merit.&nbsp; In
+truth, Tom is a great institution.&nbsp; He opens the day along
+with tea and hot toast and the <i>Daree-nai-hona Chronicle</i>,
+but we throw aside the <i>Chronicle</i>.&nbsp; It is all very
+well if you want to know which band will play at the band-stand
+this evening, and the leading columns are occasionally
+excruciatingly good, when a literary corporal of the Fusiliers
+discusses the political horizon, or unmasks the <i>Herald</i>,
+pointing out with the most pungent sarcasm how &ldquo;our
+virtuous contemporary puts his hands in his breeches pockets,
+like a crocodile, and sheds tears;&rdquo; but during the parade
+season the corporal writes little, and articles by the regular
+staff, upon the height to which cantonment hedges should be
+allowed to grow, are apt to be dull.&nbsp; For news we depend on
+Tom.&nbsp; He appears reticent at first, but be patient.&nbsp;
+Let him put the soap on, and then tap him gently.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Well, Tom, what news this morning?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;No news, sar.&rdquo;&nbsp; After a long pause,
+&ldquo;Commissioner Saheb coming to-morrow.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;To-morrow?&nbsp; No, he is not coming for three
+weeks.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;To-morrow coming.&nbsp; Not telling anybody; quietly
+coming.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Why?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;God knows.&rdquo;&nbsp; After another pause,
+&ldquo;Nana Shett give Mamletdar 500 rupee for not send his son
+to prison.&nbsp; Then Nana Shett&rsquo;s brother he fight with
+Nana Shett, so he write letter to Commissioner and tell him you
+come quietly and make inquire.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;The Mamletdar has been taking bribes, has
+he?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Everybody taking.&nbsp; Fouzdar take 200 rupee.&nbsp;
+Dipooty take 500 rupee.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;What!&nbsp; Does the Deputy Collector take
+bribes?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;God knows.&nbsp; Black man very bad.&nbsp; All black
+man same like bad.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Then are you not a black man?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Tom smiles pleasantly and makes a fresh start.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Colonel Saheb&rsquo;s madam got baby.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Is it a boy or a girl?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Girl, sar.&nbsp; Colonel Saheb very angry.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Why?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;He say, &lsquo;I want boy.&nbsp; Why always girl
+coming?&rsquo;&nbsp; Get very angry.&nbsp; Beat butler with
+stick.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>
+<a href="images/p135b.jpg">
+<img class='floatright' alt=
+"Tom, the Barber"
+title=
+"Tom, the Barber"
+ src="images/p135s.jpg" />
+</a>Yes, Tom is a great institution.&nbsp; Who can estimate how
+much we owe to him for the circulation of that lively interest in
+one another&rsquo;s well-being which characterises the little
+station?&nbsp; Tom comes, like the Pundit, in the morning, but he
+is different from the Pundit and we welcome him.&nbsp; He is not
+a shadow of the black examination-cloud which lowers over
+us.&nbsp; There is no flavour of grammars and dictionaries about
+him.&nbsp; Even if he finds you still in bed, conscience gets no
+support from him.&nbsp; He does not awaken you, but slips in with
+noiseless tread, lifts the mosquito curtains, proceeds with his
+duty and departs, leaving no token but a gentle dream about the
+cat which came and licked your cheeks and chin with its soft,
+warm tongue, and scratched you playfully with its claws, while a
+cold frog, embracing your nose, looked on and smiled a froggy
+smile.&nbsp; The barber&rsquo;s hand <i>is</i> cold and
+clammy.&nbsp; <i>Chacun &agrave; son gout</i>.&nbsp; I do not
+like him.&nbsp; I grow my beard, and Tom looks at me as the
+Chaplain regards dissenters.</p>
+<h2><span class="smcap">Our</span> &ldquo;<span
+class="smcap">Nowkers</span>&rdquo;&mdash;<span class="smcap">The
+March Past</span>.</h2>
+<p style="text-align: center">
+<a href="images/p136b.jpg">
+<img alt=
+"Group of people"
+title=
+"Group of people"
+ src="images/p136s.jpg" />
+</a></p>
+<p><span class="smcap">Now</span> it is time to close our
+inspection and order a march past.&nbsp; I think I have
+marshalled the whole force.&nbsp; It may seem a small band to
+you, if you have lived in imperial Bengal, for we of Bombay do
+not generally keep a special attendant to fill and light our
+pipe, and our <i>tatoo</i> does not require a man to cut its
+grass.&nbsp; Some of us even put on our own clothes.&nbsp; In
+short, we have not carried the art of living to such oriental
+perfection as prevails on the other side of India, and a man of
+simple tastes will find my company of fourteen a sufficient
+staff.&nbsp; There they are, <i>Sub hazir hai</i>, &ldquo;they
+are all present,&rdquo; the butler says, except one humble, but
+necessary officer, who does not like to appear.&nbsp; He is known
+familiarly by many names.&nbsp; You may call him Plantagenet, for
+his emblem is the lowly broom; but since his modesty keeps him in
+the background, we will leave him there.&nbsp; The rest are
+before you, the faithful corps with whose help we transact our
+exile life.&nbsp; You may look at them from many standpoints, and
+how much depends on which you take!&nbsp; I suspect the commonest
+with us masters is that which regards boy, butler,
+<i>mussaul</i>, cook, as just so many synonyms for channels by
+which the hard-earned rupee, which is our life-blood, flows from
+us continually.&nbsp; This view puts enmity between us and them,
+between our interests and theirs.&nbsp; It does not come into our
+minds, that when we submit our claim for an extra allowance of
+Rs. 200 under section 1735 of the Code, and the <i>mussaul</i>
+gets the butler to prefer a humble request for an increase of one
+rupee a month to his slender <i>puggar</i>, we and the
+<i>mussaul</i> are made kin by that one touch of nature.&nbsp; We
+spurn the request and urge the claim, with equal wonderment at
+the effrontery of <i>mussauls</i> and the meanness of
+Governments.&nbsp; And &ldquo;the angels weep.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Shift your standpoint, and in each cringing menial you will
+see a black token of that Asiatic metamorphosis through which we
+all have passed.&nbsp; What a picture!&nbsp; Look at yourself as
+you stand there in purple sublimity, trailing clouds of darkness
+from the middle ages whence you come, planting your imperial foot
+on all the manly traditions of your own free country, and pleased
+with the grovelling adulations of your trembling serfs.&nbsp; And
+now it is not the angels who weep, but the Baboo of Bengal.&nbsp;
+His pale and earnest brow is furrowed with despair as he turns
+from you.&nbsp; For whither shall he turn?&nbsp; When his bosom
+palpitates with the intense joy of newborn aspirations for
+liberty, to whom shall he go if the Briton, the champion of the
+world&rsquo;s freedom, has drunk of Comus&rsquo;s cup and become
+an oriental satrap?&nbsp; Ah! there is still hope.&nbsp; The
+&ldquo;large heart of England&rdquo; beats still for him.&nbsp;
+In the land of John Hampden and Labouchere there are thousands
+yet untainted by the plague, who keep no servant, who will listen
+to the Baboo while he tells them about you, and perhaps return
+him to parliament.</p>
+<p>There is a third view of the case, fraught with much content
+to those who can take it, and, happily, it is the only view
+possible to the primitive intelligences over which we exercise
+domestic lordship.&nbsp; In this view they are, indeed, as we
+regard them&mdash;so many channels by which the rupee may flow
+from us; but what are we, if not great reservoirs, built to feed
+those very channels?&nbsp; And so, with that &ldquo;sweet
+reasonableness&rdquo; which is so pleasant a feature of the
+Hindoo mind, your boy or butler, being the main conduit, sets
+himself to estimate the capacity of the reservoir, that he may
+adapt the gauge of each pipe and regulate the flow.&nbsp; And, as
+the reservoir grows greater, as the assistant becomes a collector
+and the collector a commissioner, the pipes are extended and
+enlarged, and all rejoice together.&nbsp; The moral beauty of
+this view of the situation grows upon you as you accustom your
+mind to dwell on it.&nbsp; Is it not pleasant to think of
+yourself as a beneficent irrigation work, watering a wide expanse
+of green pasture and smiling corn, or as a well in a happy
+garden, diffusing life and bloom?&nbsp; Look at the syce&rsquo;s
+children.&nbsp; Phil Robinson says there are nine of them, all
+about the same age and dressed in the same nakedness.&nbsp; As
+they squat together there, indulging &ldquo;the first and purest
+of our instincts&rdquo; in the mud or dust of the narrow back
+road, reflect that their tender roots are nourished by a thin
+rivulet of rupees which flows from you.&nbsp; If you dried up,
+they would droop and perhaps die.&nbsp; The butler has a bright
+little boy, who goes to school every day in a red velvet cap and
+print jacket, with a small slate in his hand, and hopes one day
+to climb higher in the word than his father.&nbsp; His tendrils
+are wrapped about your salary.&nbsp; Nay, you may widen the range
+of your thoughts: the old hut in the environs of Surat, with its
+patch of field and the giant gourds, acknowledges you, and a
+small stream, diverted from one of the channels which you supply,
+is filling a deep cistern in one of the back streets of
+Goa.&nbsp; Pardon me if I think that the untutored Indian&rsquo;s
+thought is better even for us than any which we have framed for
+ourselves.&nbsp; Imagine yourself as a sportsman, spear in hand,
+pursuing the wild V.C. through fire and water, or patiently
+stalking the wary K.C.B., or laying snares for the gentle C.I.E.;
+or else as a humble industrious dormouse lining a warm nest for
+the winter of your life in Bath or Tunbridge Wells; or as a gay
+butterfly flitting from flower to flower while the sunshine of
+your brief day may last; or simply as a prisoner toiling at the
+treadmill because you must: the well in the garden is a
+pleasanter conception than all these and wholesomer.&nbsp; Foster
+it while you may.&nbsp; Now that India has wakened up and begun
+to spin after the rest of the great world down the ringing
+grooves of change, these tints of dawn will soon fade away, and
+in the light of noon the instructed Aryan will learn to see and
+deplore the monstrous inequalities in the distribution of
+wealth.&nbsp; He will come to understand the essential equality
+of all men, and the real nature of the contract which subsists
+between master and servant.&nbsp; Yes, I am afraid the day is
+fast drawing near when you will no longer venture to cut the
+<i>hamal&rsquo;s</i> pay for letting mosquitoes into your bed
+curtains and he will no longer join his palms and call you his
+father and mother for doing so.&nbsp; What a splendid capacity
+for obedience there is in this ancient people!&nbsp; And our
+relations with them have certainly taught us again how to govern,
+which is one of the forgotten arts in the West.&nbsp; Where in
+the world to-day is there a land so governed as this Indian
+Empire?</p>
+<p>And now each man wants his &ldquo;character&rdquo; before he
+makes his last <i>salaam</i>, and what shall I say?&nbsp;
+&ldquo;The bearer &mdash; has been in my service since &mdash;
+and I have always found him &mdash; &rdquo;&nbsp; So far good;
+but what next?&nbsp; Honest?&mdash;Yes.&nbsp;
+Willing?&mdash;Certainly.&nbsp; Careful?&mdash;Very.&nbsp;
+Hardworking?&mdash;Well, I have often told him that he was a lazy
+scoundrel, and that he might easily take a lesson in activity
+from the <i>bheestee&rsquo;s</i> bullock, and perhaps I spoke the
+truth.&nbsp; But, after all, he gets up in the morning an hour
+before me, and eats his dinner after I have retired for the
+night.&nbsp; He gets no Saturday half-holiday, and my Sabbath is
+to him as the other days of the week.&nbsp; And so the hard
+things I have said of him and to him are forgotten, and charity
+triumphs at the last.&nbsp; And when my furlough is over and I
+return to these shores, the whole troop will be at the Apollo
+Bunder, waiting to welcome back their old master and eat his salt
+again.</p>
+<p style="text-align: center">
+<a href="images/p142b.jpg">
+<img alt=
+"A cow"
+title=
+"A cow"
+ src="images/p142s.jpg" />
+</a></p>
+<h2>POSTSCRIPT.<br />
+<span class="smcap">The Gowlee</span>, <span class="smcap">or
+Doodwallah</span>.</h2>
+<p>Gopal, the <i>Gowlee</i>, haunts me in my dreams, complaining
+that he has been left out in the cold.&nbsp; I had classed him
+with the <i>borah</i> and the baker, as outsiders with whom I had
+merely business relations; but Gopal seems to urge that he is not
+on the same footing with these.&nbsp; How can he be compared to a
+mercenary <i>borah</i>?&nbsp; Has he not ministered to my wants,
+morning and evening, in wet weather and dry?&nbsp; Have not my
+children grown up on his milk?&nbsp; He will not deny that they
+have eaten the baker&rsquo;s bread too; but who is the
+baker?&nbsp; Does he come into the <i>saheb&rsquo;s</i> presence
+in person as Gopal does?&nbsp; No.&nbsp; He sits in his shop and
+sends a servant.&nbsp; Not so Gopal.&nbsp; He is one of my
+children, and I am his father and mother.&nbsp; And I am forced
+to admit there is some truth in this view of the case.&nbsp; The
+ill-favoured man who haunts my house of a morning, with a large
+basket of loaves poised slantwise on his head, and converses in a
+strange nasal brogue with the cook, is not Mr. de Souza,
+&ldquo;baker of superior first and second sort bread, and
+manufacturer of every kind of biscuit, cake,&rdquo; &amp;c., but
+a mere underling.&nbsp; My intercourse with the head of the firm
+is confined to the first day of each month, when he waits on me
+in person, dressed in a smart black jacket, and presents his
+bill.&nbsp; Also on Good Friday he sends me a cake and his
+compliments, but the former, if it is not intercepted by the
+butler and applied to his own uses, is generally too unctuous for
+my taste.&nbsp; Very different are our relations with the
+<i>Doodwallah</i>.&nbsp; Our <i>chota hazree</i> waits for him in
+the morning; our afternoon tea cannot proceed till he comes; the
+baby cries if the <i>Doodwallah</i> is late.&nbsp; And even if
+you are one of the few who strike for independence and keep their
+own cow, I still counsel you to maintain amicable relations with
+the <i>Doodwallah</i>.&nbsp; One day the cow will kick and refuse
+to be milked, and the butler will come to you with a troubled
+countenance.&nbsp; It is a grave case and demands professional
+skill.&nbsp; The <i>Doodwallah</i> must be sent for to milk the
+cow.&nbsp; In many other ways, too, we are made to feel our
+dependence on him.&nbsp; I believe we rarely die of cholera, or
+typhoid fever, without his unobtrusive assistance.&nbsp; And all
+his services are performed in person, not through any
+underling.&nbsp; That stately man who walks up the garden path
+morning and evening, erect as a betel-nut palm, with a tiara of
+graduated milk-pots on his head, and driving a snorting buffalo
+before him, is Gopal himself.&nbsp; Scarcely any other figure in
+the compound impresses me in the same way as his.&nbsp; It is
+altogether Eastern in its simple dignity, and symbolically it is
+eloquent.&nbsp; The buffalo represents absolute milk and the
+lessening pyramid of brass <i>lotas</i>, from the great
+two-gallon vessel at the base to the &frac14;-seer measure at the
+top, stand for successive degrees of dilution with that pure
+element which runs in the roadside ditches after rain.&nbsp; Thus
+his insignia interpret themselves to me.&nbsp; Gopal does not
+acknowledge my heraldry, but explains that the lowest <i>lota</i>
+contains butter milk&mdash;that is to say, milk for making
+butter.&nbsp; The second contains milk which is excellent for
+drinking, but will not yield butter; the third a cheaper quality
+of milk for puddings, and so on.&nbsp; If you are an anxious
+mother, or a fastidious bachelor, and none of these will please
+you, then he brings the buffalo to the door and milks it in your
+presence.&nbsp; I think the truth which underlies the two ways of
+putting the thing is the same: Gopal and I differ in form of
+words only.&nbsp; However that may be, practice is more than
+theory, and I stipulate for milk for all purposes from the lowest
+<i>lota</i>&mdash;that is, milk which is warranted to yield
+butter.&nbsp; If it will not stand that test, I reject it.&nbsp;
+Gopal wonders at my extravagance, but consents.&nbsp; The milk is
+good and the butter from it plentiful.&nbsp; But as time goes on
+the latter declines both in quantity and quality, so gradually
+that suspicion is scarcely awakened.&nbsp; When at last you
+summon the butler to a consultation, he suggests that the weather
+has been too hot for successful butter making, or too cold.&nbsp;
+If these reasons do not satisfy you, he has others; if they fail,
+he gives his verdict against the <i>Doodwallah</i>.&nbsp; Next
+morning Gopal is called to superintend the making of the butter
+and convicted, convicted but not abashed.&nbsp; He expresses the
+greatest regret, but blames the buffalo; its calf is too
+old.&nbsp; To-morrow you shall have the produce of another
+buffalo.&nbsp; So next day you have the satisfaction of seeing a
+fine healthy pat of butter swimming in the butter dish, carved
+and curled with all the butler&rsquo;s art, like a full-blown
+dahlia.&nbsp; But the milk in your tea does not improve, for
+Gopal, after ascertaining how much milk you set aside for butter
+every day, finds that the new buffalo yields only that quantity,
+and so what you require for other purposes comes from another
+source.&nbsp; The butler forgot to tell you this.&nbsp; What bond
+is there between him and honest Gopal?&nbsp; I cannot tell.&nbsp;
+Many are the mysteries of housekeeping in India, and puzzling its
+problems.&nbsp; If you could behead your butler when anything
+went wrong, I have very little doubt everything would go right,
+but the complicated methods of modern justice are no match for
+the subtleties of Indian petty wickedness.&nbsp; And yet under
+this crust of cunning there is a vein of simple stupidity which
+constantly crops up where you least expect it.&nbsp; I remember a
+gentleman, a bachelor, who set before himself a very high
+standard.&nbsp; He would be strictly just and justly
+strict.&nbsp; He suspected that his milk was watered, but his
+faithful boy protested that this could not be, as the milking was
+begun and finished in his presence.&nbsp; So the master provided
+himself with a lactometer, and the suspicion became
+certainty.&nbsp; Summoning his boy into his presence, he
+explained to him that that little instrument, which he saw
+floating in the so-called milk before him, could neither lie nor
+be deceived.&nbsp; &ldquo;It declares,&rdquo; he added sternly,
+&ldquo;that there is twenty-five per cent. of water in this
+milk.&rdquo;&nbsp; &ldquo;Your lordship speaks the truth,&rdquo;
+answered the faithful man, &ldquo;but how could I tell a
+lie?&nbsp; The milk was drawn in my presence.&rdquo;&nbsp;
+&ldquo;Do you mean to say you were there the whole time the
+animal was being milked?&rdquo;&nbsp; &ldquo;The whole time, your
+lordship.&nbsp; Would I give those rogues the chance of watering
+the <i>saheb&rsquo;s</i> milk?&rdquo;&nbsp; The master thought
+for a moment, and asked again, &ldquo;Are you sure there was no
+water in the pail before the milking began?&mdash;these people
+are very cunning.&rdquo;&nbsp; &ldquo;They are as cunning as
+<i>sheitan</i>, your lordship, but I made the man turn the pail
+upside down and shake it.&rdquo;&nbsp; Again the master turned
+the matter over in his just mind, and it occurred to him that the
+lactometer was of English manufacture and might be puzzled by the
+milk of the buffalo.&nbsp; &ldquo;Is this cow&rsquo;s milk, or
+buffalo&rsquo;s?&rdquo; he asked.&nbsp; The boy was beginning to
+feel his position uncomfortable and caught at this chance of
+escape.&nbsp; &ldquo;Ah! that I cannot tell.&nbsp; It may be
+buffalo&rsquo;s milk.&rdquo;&nbsp; <i>Tableau</i>.</p>
+<p style="text-align: center">
+<a href="images/p145b.jpg">
+<img alt=
+"The Doodwallahs&mdash;Milkmen"
+title=
+"The Doodwallahs&mdash;Milkmen"
+ src="images/p145s.jpg" />
+</a></p>
+<p>I have spoken of having butter made in the house, but Gopal
+carries on all departments of a dairyman&rsquo;s business, and
+you may buy butter of him at two annas a
+&ldquo;cope.&rdquo;&nbsp; Let philologists settle the derivation
+of the word.&nbsp; The &ldquo;cope&rdquo; is a measure like a
+small tea-cup, and when Gopal has filled it, he presses the
+butter well down with his hand, so that a man skilled in
+palmistry may read the honest milkman&rsquo;s fortune off any
+cope of his butter.&nbsp; How he makes it, or of what materials,
+I dare not say.&nbsp; Many flavours mingle in it, some familiar
+enough, some unknown to me.&nbsp; Its texture varies too.&nbsp;
+Sometimes it is pasty, sometimes semi-fluid, sometimes sticky,
+following the knife.&nbsp; In colour it is bluish-white, unless
+dyed.&nbsp; All things considered, I refuse Gopal&rsquo;s butter,
+and have mine made at home.&nbsp; The process is very simple, and
+no churn is needed.&nbsp; Every morning the milk for next
+day&rsquo;s butter is put into a large flat dish, to stand for
+twenty-four hours, at the end of which time, if the dish is as
+dirty as it should be, the milk has curdled.&nbsp; Then, with a
+tin spoon, Mukkun skims off the cream and puts it into a large
+pickle bottle, and squatting on the ground, <i>more suo</i>,
+bumps the bottle upon a pad until the butter is made.&nbsp; The
+artistic work of preparing it for presentation remains.&nbsp;
+First it is dyed yellow with a certain seed, that it may please
+the <i>saheb&rsquo;s</i> taste, for buffalo butter is quite
+white, and you know it is an axiom in India that cow&rsquo;s milk
+does not yield butter.&nbsp; Then Mukkun takes a little bamboo
+instrument and patiently works the butter into a
+&ldquo;flower&rdquo; and sends it to breakfast floating in cold
+water.</p>
+<p>Gopal is a man of substance, owning many buffaloes and
+immensely fat Guzerat cows, with prodigious humps and large
+pendent ears.&nbsp; His family, having been connected for many
+generations with the sacred animal, he enjoys a certain
+consciousness of moral respectability, like a man whose uncles
+are deans or canons.&nbsp; In my mind, he is always associated
+rather with his buffaloes, those great, unwieldy, hairless,
+slate-coloured docile, intelligent antediluvians.</p>
+<p style="text-align: center">
+<a href="images/p149b.jpg">
+<img alt=
+"Home butter making"
+title=
+"Home butter making"
+ src="images/p149s.jpg" />
+</a></p>
+<h2><span class="smcap">The Miscellaneous Wallahs</span>.</h2>
+<p>
+<a href="images/p150b.jpg">
+<img class='floatleft' alt=
+"The Kalai-wallah"
+title=
+"The Kalai-wallah"
+ src="images/p150s.jpg" />
+</a>I have yielded to the claim of the <i>doodwallah</i> to be
+reckoned among the <i>nowkers</i>.&nbsp; His right is more than
+doubtful, and I will yield no further.&nbsp; Nevertheless, there
+is a cluster of petty dependents, a nebula of minor satellites,
+which have us for the focus of their orbit, and which cannot be
+left out of a comprehensive account of our system.&nbsp; Whence,
+for example, is that raucus stridulation which sets every tooth
+on edge and sends a rheumatic shiver up my spine?&nbsp; &ldquo;It
+is only the <i>Kalai-wallah</i>,&rdquo; says the boy, and points
+to a muscular black man, very nearly in the garb of a Grecian
+athlete, standing with both feet in one of my largest cooking
+pots.&nbsp; He grasps a post with both hands, and swings his
+whole frame fiercely from side to side with a circular motion,
+like the balance wheel of a watch.&nbsp; He seems to have a rough
+cloth and sand under his feet, so I suppose this is only his
+energetic way of scouring the pot preparatory to tinning it, for
+the <i>Kalai-wallah</i> is the &ldquo;tin-man,&rdquo; whose
+beneficent office it is to avert death by verdigris and salts of
+copper from you and your family.&nbsp; His assistant, a
+semi-nude, fleshless youth, has already extemporized a furnace of
+clay in the ground hard by, and is working a huge pair of clumsy
+bellows.&nbsp; Around him are all manner of copper kitchen
+utensils, <i>handies</i>, or <i>deckshies</i>, kettles,
+frying-pans, and what not, and there are also on the ground some
+rings of <i>kalai</i>, commonly called tin; but pure tin is an
+expensive metal, and I do not think it is any part of the
+<i>Kalai-wallah&rsquo;s</i> care to see that you are not poisoned
+with lead.&nbsp; One notable peculiarity there is in this
+<i>Kalai-wallah</i>, or tin-man, which deserves record, namely,
+that he pays no <i>dustooree</i> to any man.&nbsp; I take it as
+sufficient evidence of this fact that, though even the
+<i>matie</i> could tell you that the pots ought to be tinned once
+a month, neither the butler nor the cook ever seems to remember
+when the day comes round.&nbsp; This is a matter which you must
+see to personally.&nbsp; Contrast with this the case of the
+<i>Nalbund</i>, the clink of whose hammer in the early morning
+tells that the 15th of the month has dawned.&nbsp; His portable
+anvil is already in the ground, and he is hammering the shoes
+into shape after a fashion; but he is not very particular about
+this, for if the shoe does not fit the hoof he can always cut the
+hoof to fit the shoe.&nbsp; This is an advantage which the maker
+of shoes for human feet does not enjoy, though I have heard of
+very fashionable ladies who secretly have one toe amputated that
+the rest may more easily be squeezed into that curious pointed
+thing, which, by some mysterious process of mind, is regarded as
+an elegant shoe.&nbsp; But this is by the way.&nbsp; To return to
+the <i>Nalbund</i>.&nbsp; His work is guaranteed to last one
+calendar month, and your faithful <i>ghorawallah</i>, who
+remembers nothing else, and scarcely knows the day of the week,
+bears in mind the exact date on which the horse has to be shod
+next, and if the careless <i>Nalbund</i> does not appear,
+promptly goes in search of him.&nbsp; Does not this speak volumes
+for the efficiency of that venerable and wonderful institution
+<i>dustooree</i>, by which the interests of all classes are
+cemented together and the wheels of the social system are
+oiled?&nbsp; The shoeing of the bullock is generally a distinct
+profession, I believe, from the shoeing of the horse, and is not
+considered such a high art.&nbsp; The poor <i>byle</i> is thrown,
+and, his feet being tied together, the assistant holds his nose
+to the ground, while the master nails a small slip of bad iron to
+each half of the hoof.&nbsp; I often stop on my way to
+contemplate this spectacle, which beautifully illustrates that
+cold patience, or natural thick-skinnedness, which fits the
+<i>byle</i> so admirably for his lot in this land.&nbsp; He is
+yoked to a creaking cart and prodded with a sharp nail to make
+him go, his female ancestry reviled to the third generation, his
+belly tickled with the driver&rsquo;s toes, and his tail twisted
+till the joints crack, but he plods patiently on till he feels
+disposed to stop, and then he lies down and takes with an even
+mind such cudgelling as the enraged driver can inflict.&nbsp; At
+last a fire of straw is lighted under him, and then he gets up
+and goes on.&nbsp; He never grows restive or frets, as a horse
+would, and so he does not wear out.&nbsp; This is the reason why
+bullocks are used throughout India for all agricultural
+purposes.&nbsp; The horse does not suit the genius of the
+people.&nbsp; I wish horses in India could do without
+shoes.&nbsp; In sandy districts, like Guzerat, they can, and are
+much better unshod; but in the stony Deccan some protection is
+absolutely necessary, and the poor beast is often at the mercy of
+the village bullock <i>Nalbund</i>.&nbsp; It carries my thoughts
+to the days of our forefathers, when the blacksmith was also the
+dentist.</p>
+<p style="text-align: center">
+<a href="images/p153b.jpg">
+<img alt=
+"Nalbund"
+title=
+"Nalbund"
+ src="images/p153s.jpg" />
+</a></p>
+<p>
+<a href="images/p154b.jpg">
+<img class='floatleft' alt=
+"Grasswallah"
+title=
+"Grasswallah"
+ src="images/p154s.jpg" />
+</a>The <i>Nalbund</i> leads naturally to the <i>Ghasswallah</i>,
+or grass-man, whose sign is a mountain of green stuff, which
+comes nodding in at the back gate every day upon four emaciated
+legs.&nbsp; A small pony&rsquo;s nose protrudes from the front,
+with a muzzle on, for in such matters the spirit of the law of
+Moses is not current in this country.&nbsp; The mild Hindoo does
+muzzle the mouth of the ox that treadeth out the corn.&nbsp; His
+religion forbids him to take life, and he obeys, but he steers as
+near to that sin as he can, without actually committing it, and
+vitality is seen here at a lower ebb, perhaps, than in any other
+country under the sun.&nbsp; The grassman maintains just so much
+flesh on the bones of his beast as will suffice to hold them
+together under their burden, and this can be done without lucerne
+grass, so poor Tantalus toddles about, buried under a pile of
+sweet-scented, fresh, green herbage, ministering to the sleek
+aristocracy of his own kind, and returns to gnaw his daily
+allowance of <i>kurbee</i>.&nbsp; There is, however, one
+alleviation of his lot for which he may well be thankful, and
+that is that his burden so encompasses him about that the stick
+of his driver cannot get at any part of him.&nbsp; I believe the
+<i>Ghasswallah</i> is an institution peculiar to our
+presidency&mdash;this kind of <i>Ghasswallah</i>, I mean, who is
+properly a farmer, owning large well-irrigated fields of lucerne
+grass.&nbsp; Hay is supplied by another kind of
+<i>Ghasswallah</i>, who does not keep a pony, but brings the
+daily allowance on his head.&nbsp; That allowance is five
+<i>polees</i> for each horse.&nbsp; A <i>polee</i> is a bundle of
+grass about as thick as a tree, and as long as a bit of
+string.&nbsp; This hay merchant does a large business, and used
+to send in a monthly bill to each of his constituents in due
+form, thus:&mdash;</p>
+<table>
+<tr>
+<td colspan="5"><p>To Hurree Ganesh,</p>
+</td>
+<td><p style="text-align: right"><i>January</i>.</p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td><p>&nbsp;</p>
+</td>
+<td colspan="4"><p>Mr. Esmith, Esquire</p>
+</td>
+<td><p style="text-align: center"><i>Dr.</i></p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td><p>&nbsp;</p>
+</td>
+<td><p>To supplying grass to one horse</p>
+</td>
+<td><p>Rs.</p>
+</td>
+<td><p style="text-align: right">7</p>
+</td>
+<td><p style="text-align: right">0</p>
+</td>
+<td><p style="text-align: right">0</p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td><p>&nbsp;</p>
+</td>
+<td><p>Ditto to &frac12; horse</p>
+</td>
+<td><p>&nbsp;</p>
+</td>
+<td><p style="text-align: right">3</p>
+</td>
+<td><p style="text-align: right">8</p>
+</td>
+<td><p style="text-align: right">0</p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td><p>&nbsp;</p>
+</td>
+<td><p>Total</p>
+</td>
+<td><p>Rs.</p>
+</td>
+<td><p style="text-align: right">10</p>
+</td>
+<td><p style="text-align: right">8</p>
+</td>
+<td><p style="text-align: right">0</p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td colspan="6"><p style="text-align: right">E. E.&amp; contents
+received.</p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+<p>The &frac12; horse was a cow.</p>
+<p>
+<a href="images/p156ab.jpg">
+<img class='floatright' alt=
+"Shirakee"
+title=
+"Shirakee"
+ src="images/p156as.jpg" />
+</a>As the monsoon draws to a close and the weather begins to get
+colder, a man in a tight brown suit and leather belt, with an
+unmistakable flavour of sport about him, presents himself at the
+door.&nbsp; This is the <i>shikaree</i> come with <i>khubber</i>
+of &ldquo;<i>ishnap</i>,&rdquo; and quail, and duck, and in fact
+of anything you like up to bison and tiger.&nbsp; But we must
+dismiss him to-day.&nbsp; He would require a chapter to himself,
+and would take me over ground quite outside of my present
+scope.&nbsp; What a <i>loocha</i> he is!</p>
+<p>
+<a href="images/p156bb.jpg">
+<img class='floatleft' alt=
+"Ready-made-clothes Wallah"
+title=
+"Ready-made-clothes Wallah"
+ src="images/p156bs.jpg" />
+</a>What shall I say of the <i>Roteewallah</i> and the
+<i>Jooteewallah</i>, who comes round so regularly to keep your
+boots and shoes in disrepair, and of all the vociferous tribe of
+<i>borahs</i>?&nbsp; There is the <i>Kupprawallah</i>, and the
+<i>Boxwallah</i>, and the <i>Ready-made-clotheswallah</i>
+(&ldquo;readee made cloes mem sa-ab! dressin&rsquo; gown, badee,
+petticoat, drars, chamees, everyting, mem sa-ab, very
+che-eap!&rdquo;) and the <i>Chowchowwallah</i> and the
+<i>Maiwawallah</i> or fruit man, with his pleasant basket of
+pomeloes and oranges, plantains, red and white, custard apples,
+guavas, figs, grapes, and pineapples, and those
+suspicious-looking old iron scales, hanging by greasy, knotted
+strings.&nbsp; Each of these good people, it seems, lives in this
+hard world for no other end but to supply my wants.&nbsp; One of
+them is positive that he supplied my father with the necessaries
+of life before I was born.&nbsp; 
+<a href="images/p157ab.jpg">
+<img class='floatright' alt=
+"Sindworkwallah"
+title=
+"Sindworkwallah"
+ src="images/p157as.jpg" />
+</a>&nbsp; He is by appearance about eighteen years of age, but
+this presents no difficulty, for if it was not he who ministered
+to my parent, it was his father, and so he has not only a
+personal, but a hereditary claim on me.&nbsp; He is a
+<i>workboxwallah</i>, and is yearning to show his regard for me
+by presenting me with a lady&rsquo;s sandalwood dressing-case in
+return for the trifling sum of thirty-five rupees.&nbsp; The
+<i>sindworkwallah</i>, who has a similar esteem for me, scorns
+the thought of wishing to sell, but if I would just look at some
+of his beautiful things, he could go away happy.&nbsp; When they
+are all spread upon the ground, then it occurs to him that I have
+it in my power to make him lucky for the day by buying a fancy
+smoking-cap, which, by-the-by, he brought expressly for me.&nbsp;
+But this subject always makes me sad, for there is no disguising
+the fact that the <i>borah</i> is fast passing away for ever, and
+with him all the glowing morning tints of that life which we used
+to live when India was still India.&nbsp; But let that regret
+pass.&nbsp; One <i>wallah</i> remains, who presents himself at
+your door, not monthly, or weekly, but every day, and often twice
+a day, and not at the back verandah, but at the front, walking
+confidently up to the very easy-chair on which we stretch our
+lordly limbs.&nbsp; And I may safely say that, of all who claim
+directly or indirectly to have eaten our salt, there is not a man
+for whom we have, one and all of us, a kindlier feeling.&nbsp;
+You may argue that he is only a public servant, and has really
+far less claim on us than any of the others; never
+mind&mdash;</p>
+<blockquote><p>&ldquo;I pray thee, peace.&nbsp; I will be flesh
+and blood.&rdquo;</p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>
+<a href="images/p157bb.jpg">
+<img class='floatright' alt=
+"Coolie"
+title=
+"Coolie"
+ src="images/p157bs.jpg" />
+</a>The English mail is in, and we feel, and will feel, towards
+that red-livened man as Noah felt towards the dove with the olive
+branch in her mouth.&nbsp; And when Christmas comes round,
+howsoever we may harden ourselves against others, scarcely one of
+us, I know, will grudge a rupee to the <i>tapalwallah</i>.</p>
+<p style="text-align: center">
+<a href="images/p159b.jpg">
+<img alt=
+"Finis"
+title=
+"Finis"
+ src="images/p159s.jpg" />
+</a></p>
+<p>***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BEHIND THE BUNGALOW***</p>
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+</pre></body>
+</html>
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+This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements,
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+Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for
+eBook #7953 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/7953)
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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Behind the Bungalow, by EHA
+
+Copyright laws are changing all over the world. Be sure to check the
+copyright laws for your country before downloading or redistributing
+this or any other Project Gutenberg eBook.
+
+This header should be the first thing seen when viewing this Project
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+
+Please read the "legal small print," and other information about the
+eBook and Project Gutenberg at the bottom of this file.  Included is
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+
+
+**Welcome To The World of Free Plain Vanilla Electronic Texts**
+
+**eBooks Readable By Both Humans and By Computers, Since 1971**
+
+*****These eBooks Were Prepared By Thousands of Volunteers!*****
+
+
+Title: Behind the Bungalow
+
+Author: EHA
+
+Release Date: April, 2005  [EBook #7953]
+[This file was first posted on June 4, 2003]
+
+Edition: 10
+
+Language: English
+
+
+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK, BEHIND THE BUNGALOW ***
+
+
+
+
+Transcribed by David Price, email ccx074@coventry.ac.uk
+
+
+
+
+
+BEHIND THE BUNGALOW
+
+
+
+
+Contents:
+   Preface
+   Engaging a Boy
+   The Boy at Home
+   The Dog-boy
+   The Ghorawalla, or Syce
+   Bootlair Saheb--Anglice, the Butler
+   Domingo, the Cook
+   The Mussaul, or Man of Lamps
+   The Hamal
+   The Body-guards
+   That Dhobie!
+   The Ayah
+
+
+
+PREFACE
+
+
+
+These papers appeared in the Times of India, and were written, of
+course, for the Bombay Presidency; but the Indian Nowker exhibits
+very much the same traits wherever he is found and under whatsoever
+name.
+
+
+
+ENGAGING A BOY
+
+
+
+
+Extended, six feet of me, over an ample easy-chair, in absolute
+repose of mind and body, soothed with a cup of tea which Canjee had
+ministered to me, comforted by the slippers which he had put on my
+feet in place of a heavy pair of boots which he had unlaced and taken
+away, feeling in charity with all mankind--from this standpoint I
+began to contemplate "The Boy."
+
+What a wonderful provision of nature he is in this half-hatched
+civilization of ours, which merely distracts our energies by
+multiplying our needs and leaves us no better off than we were before
+we discovered them!  He seems to have a natural aptitude for
+discerning, or even inventing, your wants and supplies them before
+you yourself are aware of them.  While in his hands nothing petty
+invades you.  Great-mindedness becomes possible.  "Magnanimus AEneas"
+must have had an excellent Boy.  What is the history of the Boy?  How
+and where did he originate?  What is the derivation of his name?  I
+have heard it traced to the Hindoostanee word bhai, a brother, but
+the usual attitude of the Anglo-Indian's mind towards his domestics
+does not give sufficient support to this.  I incline to the belief
+that the word is of hybrid origin, having its roots in bhoee, a
+bearer, and drawing the tenderer shades of its meaning from the
+English word which it resembles.  To this no doubt may be traced in
+part the master's disposition to regard his boy always as in statu
+pupillari.  Perhaps he carries this view of the relationship too far,
+but the Boy, on the other hand, cheerfully regards him as in loco
+parentis and accepts much from him which he will not endure from a
+stranger.  A cuff from his master (delivered in a right spirit)
+raises his dignity, but the same from a guest in the house wounds him
+terribly.  He protests that it is "not regulation."  And in this
+happy spirit of filial piety he will live until his hair grows white
+and his hand shaky and his teeth fall out and service gives place to
+worship, dulia to latria, and the most revered idol among his penates
+is the photograph of his departed master.  With a tear in his dim old
+eye he takes it from its shrine and unwraps the red handkerchief in
+which it is folded, while he tells of the virtues of the great and
+good man.  He says there are no such masters in these days, and when
+you reply that there are no such servants either, he does not
+contradict you.  Yet he may have been a sad young scamp when he began
+life as a dog-boy fifty-five years ago, and, on the other hand, it is
+not so impossible as it seems that the scapegrace for whose special
+behoof you keep a rattan on your hat-pegs may mellow into a most
+respectable and trustworthy old man, at least if he is happy enough
+to settle under a good master; for the Boy is often very much a
+reflection of the master.  Often, but not always.  Something depends
+on the grain of the material.  There are Boys and Boys.  There is a
+Boy with whom, when you get him, you can do nothing but dismiss him,
+and this is not a loss to him only, but to you, for every dismissal
+weakens your position.  A man who parts lightly with his servants
+will never have a servant worth retaining.  At the morning conference
+in the market, where masters are discussed over the soothing beeree,
+none holds so low a place as the saheb who has had eleven butlers in
+twelve months.  Only loafers will take service with him, and he must
+pay even them highly.  Believe me, the reputation that your service
+is permanent, like service under the Sircar, is worth many rupees a
+month in India.
+
+The engagement of a first Boy, therefore, is a momentous crisis,
+fraught with fat contentment and a good digestion, or with unrest,
+distraction, bad temper, and a ruined constitution.  But,
+unfortunately, we approach this epoch in a condition of original
+ignorance.  There is not even any guide or handbook of Boys which we
+may consult.  The Griffin a week old has to decide for himself
+between not a dozen specimens, but a dozen types, all strange, and
+each differing from the other in dress, complexion, manner, and even
+language.  As soon as it becomes known that the new saheb from
+England is in need of a Boy, the levee begins.  First you are waited
+upon by a personage of imposing appearance.  His broad and dignified
+face is ornamented with grey, well-trimmed whiskers.  There is no
+lack of gold thread on his turban, an ample cumberbund envelopes his
+portly figure, and he wears canvas shoes.  He left his walking-cane
+at the door.  His testimonials are unexceptionable, mostly signed by
+mess secretaries; and he talks familiarly, in good English, of
+Members of Council.  Everything is most satisfactory, and you
+inquire, timidly, what salary he would expect.  He replies that that
+rests with your lordship:  in his last appointment he had Rs. 35 a
+month, and a pony to ride to market.  The situation is now very
+embarrassing.  It is not only that you feel you are in the presence
+of a greater man than yourself, but that you know HE feels it.  By
+far the best way out of the difficulty is to accept your relative
+position, and tell him blandly that when you are a commissioner
+saheb, or a commander-in-chief, he shall be your head butler.  He
+will understand you, and retire with a polite assurance that that day
+is not far distant.
+
+As soon as the result of this interview becomes known, a man of very
+black complexion offers his services.  He has no shoes or cumberbund,
+but his coat is spotlessly white.  His certificates are excellent,
+but signed by persons whom you have not met or heard of.  They all
+speak of him as very hard-working and some say he is honest.  His
+spotless dress will prepossess you if you do not understand it.  Its
+real significance is that he had to go to the dhobie to fit himself
+for coming into your presence.  This man's expectations as regards
+salary are most modest, and you are in much danger of engaging him,
+unless the hotel butler takes an opportunity of warning you earnestly
+that, "This man not gentlyman's servant, sir!  He sojer's servant!"
+In truth, we occupy in India a double social position; that which
+belongs to us among our friends, and that which belongs to us in the
+market, in the hotel, or at the dinner table, by virtue of our
+servants.  The former concerns our pride, but the latter concerns our
+comfort.  Please yourself, therefore, in the choice of your personal
+friends and companions, but as regards your servants keep up your
+standard.
+
+The next who offers himself will probably be of the Goanese variety.
+He comes in a black coat, with continuations of checked jail cloth,
+and takes his hat off just before he enters the gate.  He is said to
+be a Colonel in the Goa Militia, but it is impossible to guess his
+rank, as he always wears muftie in Bombay.  He calls himself plain
+Mr. Querobino Floriano de Braganza.  His testimonials are excellent;
+several of them say that he is a good tailor, which, to a bachelor,
+is a recommendation; and his expectations as regards his stipend are
+not immoderate.  The only suspicious thing is that his services have
+been dispensed with on several occasions very suddenly without
+apparent reason.  He sheds no light on this circumstance when you
+question him, but closer scrutiny of his certificates will reveal the
+fact that the convivial season of Christmas has a certain fatality
+for him.
+
+When he retires, you may have a call from a fine looking old follower
+of the Prophet.  He is dressed in spotless white, with a white turban
+and white cumberbund; his beard would be as white as either if he had
+not dyed it rich orange.  He also has lost his place very suddenly
+more than once, and on the last occasion without a certificate.  When
+you ask him the cause of this, he explains, with a certain brief
+dignity, in good Hindoostanee, that there was some tukrar
+(disagreement) between him and one of the other servants, in which
+his master took the part of the other, and as his abroo (honour) was
+concerned, he resigned.  He does not tell you that the tukrar in
+question culminated in his pursuing the cook round the compound with
+a carving-knife in his hand, after which he burst into the presence
+of the lady of the house, gesticulating with the same weapon, and
+informed her, in a heated manner, that he was quite prepared to cut
+the throats of all the servants, if honour required it.
+
+If none of the preceding please you, you shall have several varieties
+of the Soortee tribe anxious to take service with you; nice looking,
+clean men, with fair complexions.  There will be the inevitable
+unfortunate whose house was burned to ashes two months ago, on which
+occasion he lost everything he had, including, of course, all his
+valuable certificates.  Another will send in a budget dating from the
+troubled times of the mutiny.  From them it will appear that he has
+served in almost every capacity and can turn his hand to anything, is
+especially good with children, cooks well, and knows English
+thoroughly, having been twice to England with his master.  When this
+desirable man is summoned into your presence, you cannot help being
+startled to find how lightly age sits upon him; he looks like twenty-
+five.  As for his knowledge of English, it must be latent, for he
+always falls back upon his own vernacular for purposes of
+conversation.  You rashly charge him with having stolen his
+certificates, but he indignantly repels the insinuation.  You find a
+discrepancy, however, in the name and press him still further,
+whereupon he retires from his first position to the extent of
+admitting that the papers, though rightfully his, were earned by his
+father.  He does not seem to think this detracts much from their
+value.  Others will come, with less pronounced characteristics, and,
+therefore, more perplexing.  The Madrassee will be there, with his
+spherical turban and his wonderful command of colloquial English; he
+is supposed to know how to prepare that mysterious luxury, "real
+Madras curry."  Bengal servants are not common in Bombay,
+fortunately, for they would only add to the perplexity.  The larger
+the series of specimens which you examine, the more difficult it
+becomes to decide to which of them all you should commit your
+happiness.  "Characters" are a snare, for the master when parting
+with his Boy too often pays off arrears of charity in his
+certificate; and besides, the prudent Boy always has his papers read
+to him and eliminates anything detrimental to his interests.  But
+there must be marks by which, if you were to study them closely, you
+might distinguish the occult qualities of Boys and divide them into
+genera and orders.  The subject only wants its Linnaeus.  If ever I
+gird myself for my magnum opus, I am determined it shall be a
+"Compendious Guide to the Classification of Indian Boys."
+
+
+
+THE BOY AT HOME
+
+
+
+Your Boy is your valet de chambre, your butler, your tailor, your
+steward and general agent, your interpreter, or oriental translator
+and your treasurer.  On assuming charge of his duties he takes steps
+first, in an unobtrusive way, to ascertain the amount of your income,
+both that he may know the measure of his dignity, and also that he
+may be able to form an estimate of what you ought to spend.  This is
+a matter with which he feels he is officially concerned.  Indeed, the
+arrangement which accords best with his own view of his position and
+responsibilities is that, as you draw your salary each month, you
+should make it over to him in full.  Under this arrangement he has a
+tendency to grow rich, and, as a consequence, portly in his figure
+and consequential in his bearing, in return for which he will manage
+all your affairs without allowing you to be worried by the cares of
+life, supply all your wants, keep you in pocket money, and maintain
+your dignity on all occasions.  If you have not a large enough soul
+to consent to this arrangement, he is not discouraged.  He will still
+be your treasurer, meeting all your petty liabilities out of his own
+funds and coming to your aid when you find yourself without change.
+As far as my observations go, this is an infallible mark of a really
+respectable Boy, that he is never without money.  At the end of the
+month he presents you a faithful account of his expenditure, the
+purport of which is plainly this, that since you did not hand over
+your salary to him at the beginning of the month, you are to do so
+now.  Q.E.F.  There is a mystery about these accounts which I have
+never been able to solve.  The total is always, on the face of it,
+monstrous and not to be endured; but when you call your Boy up and
+prepare to discharge the bombshell of your indignation, he merely
+inquires in an unagitated tone of voice which item you find fault
+with, and you become painfully aware that you have not a leg to stand
+on.  In the first place, most of the items are too minute to allow of
+much retrenchment.  You can scarcely make sweeping reductions on such
+charges as:- "Butons for master's trouser, 9 pies;" "Tramwei for
+going to market, 1 anna 6 pies;" "Grain to sparrow" (canary seed!) "1
+anna 3 pies;" "Making white to master's hat, 5 pies."  And when at
+last you find a charge big enough to lay hold of, the imperturbable
+man proceeds to explain how, in the case of that particular item, he
+was able, by the exercise of a little forethought, to save you 2
+annas and 3 pies.  I have struggled against these accounts and know
+them.  It is vain to be indignant.  You must just pay the bill, and
+if you do not want another, you must make up your mind to be your own
+treasurer.  You will fall in your Boy's estimation, but it does not
+follow that he will leave your service.  The notion that every native
+servant makes a principle of saving the whole of his wages and
+remitting them monthly to Goa, or Nowsaree, is one of the ancient
+myths of Anglo-India.  I do not mean to say that if you encourage
+your Boy to do this he will refuse; on the contrary, he likes it.
+But the ordinary Boy, I believe, is not a prey to ambition and, if he
+can find service to his mind, easily reconciles himself to living on
+his wages, or, as he terms it, in the practical spirit of oriental
+imagery, "eating" them.  The conditions he values seem to be,--
+permanence, respectful treatment, immunity from kicks and cuffs and
+from abuse, especially in his own tongue, and, above all, a quiet
+life, without kitkit, which may be vulgarly translated, nagging.  He
+considers his situation with regard to these conditions, he considers
+also his pay and prospect of unjust emoluments, with a judicial mind
+he balances the one against the other, and if he works patiently on,
+it is because the balance is in his favour.  I am satisfied that it
+is an axiom of domestic economy in India that the treatment which you
+mete out to your Boy has a definite money value.  Ill-usage of him is
+a luxury like any other, paid for by those who enjoy it, not to be
+had otherwise.
+
+There is one other thing on which he sets his childish heart.  He
+likes service with a master who is in some sort a burra saheb.  He is
+by nature a hero worshipper--and master is his natural hero.  The
+saying, that no man is a hero to his own valet, has no application
+here.  In India, if you are not a hero to your own Boy, I should say,
+without wishing to be unpleasant, that the probabilities are against
+your being a hero to anybody.  It is very difficult for us, with our
+notions, to enter into the Boy's beautiful idea of the relationship
+which subsists between him and master.  To get at it at all we must
+realize that no shade of radicalism has ever crossed his social
+theory.  "Liberty, Equality, and Fraternity" is a monstrous
+conception, to which he would not open his mind if he could.  He sees
+that the world contains masters and servants, and doubts not that the
+former were provided for the accommodation of the latter.  His fate
+having made him a servant, his master is the foundation on which he
+stands.  Everything, therefore, which relates to the well-being, and
+especially to the reputation, of his master, is a personal concern of
+his own.  Per contra, he does not forget that he is the ornament of
+his master.  I had a Boy once whom I retained chiefly as a curiosity,
+for I believe he had the smallest adult human head in heathendom.  He
+appeared before me one day with that minute organ surmounted by a
+gorgeous turban of purple and gold, which he informed me had cost
+about a month's pay.  Now I knew that his brain was never equal to
+the management of his own affairs, so that he was always in pecuniary
+straits, but he anticipated my curiosity by informing me that he had
+raised the necessary funds by pawning his wife's bangles.
+Unthinkingly I reproached him, and then I saw, coming over his
+countenance, the bitter expression of one who has met with rebuff
+when he looked for sympathy.  Arranging himself in his proudest
+attitude, he exclaimed, "Saheb, is it not for your glory?  When
+strangers see me will they not ask, 'Whose servant is that?"'  Living
+always under the influence of this spirit, the Boy never loses an
+opportunity of enforcing your importance, and his own as your
+representative.  When you are staying with friends, he gives the
+butler notice of your tastes.  If tea is made for breakfast, he
+demands coffee or cocoa; if jam is opened, he will try to insist upon
+marmalade.  At an hotel he orders special dishes.  When you buy a
+horse or a carriage, he discovers defects in it, and is gratified if
+he can persuade you to return it and let people see that you are not
+to be imposed upon or trifled with.  He delights to keep creditors
+and mean men waiting at the door until it shall be your pleasure to
+see them.  But it is only justice to say that it will be your own
+fault if this disposition is not tempered with something of a purer
+feeling, a kind of filial regard and even reverence--if reverence is
+at all possible--under the influence of which he will take a kindly
+interest in your health and comfort.  When your wife is away, he
+seems to feel a special responsibility, and my friend's Boy, when
+warning his master against an unwholesome luxury, would enforce his
+words with the gentle admonition, "Missis never allowing, sir."
+
+It is this way of regarding himself and his master which makes the
+Boy generally such a faithful servant; but he often has a sort of
+spurious conscience, too, growing out of the fond pride with which he
+cherishes his good name, so that you do not strain the truth to say
+that he is strictly honest.  Veracity is the point on which he is
+weakest, but even in this there are exceptions.  My last Boy was
+curiously scrupulous about the truth, and would rarely tell a lie,
+even to shield himself from blame, though he would do so to get the
+hamal into a scrape.
+
+I regret to say that the Boy has flaws.  His memory is a miracle; but
+just once in a way, when you are dining at the club, he lays out your
+clothes nicely without a collar.  He sends you off on an excursion to
+Matheran, and packs your box in his neat way; but instead of putting
+one complete sleeping suit, he puts in the upper parts of two,
+without the nether and more necessary portions.  It is irritating to
+discover, when you are dressing in a hurry, that he has put your
+studs into the upper flap of your shirt front; but I am not sure it
+does not try your patience more to find out, as you brush your teeth,
+that he has replenished your tooth-powder box from a bottle of
+Gregory's mixture.  But Dhobie day is his opportunity.  He first
+delivers the soiled clothes by tale, diving into each pocket to see
+if you have left rupees in it; but he sends a set of studs to be
+washed.  Then he sits down to execute repairs.  He has an assorted
+packet of metal and cotton buttons beside him, from which he takes at
+random.  He finishes with your socks, which he skilfully darns with
+white thread, and contemplates the piebald effect with much
+satisfaction; after which he puts them up in little balls, each
+containing a pair of different colours.  Finally he will arrange all
+the clean clothes in the drawer on a principle of his own, the effect
+of which will find its final development in your temper when you go
+in haste for a handkerchief.  I suspect there is often an explanation
+of these things which we do not think of.  The poor Boy has other
+things on his mind besides your clothes.  He has a wife, or two, and
+children, and they are not with him.  His child sickens and dies, or
+his wife runs away with someone else, and carries off all the
+jewellery in which he invested his savings; but he goes about his
+work in silence, and we only remark that he has been unusually stupid
+the last few days.
+
+So much for the Boy in general.  As for your own particular Boy, he
+must be a very exceptional specimen if he has not persuaded you long
+since that, though Boys in general are a rascally lot, you have been
+singularly fortunate in yours.
+
+
+
+THE DOG-BOY
+
+
+
+In Bombay it is not enough to fit yourself with a Boy:  your dog
+requires a Boy too.  I have always felt an interest in the smart
+little race of Bombay dog-boys.  As a corps, they go on with little
+change from year to year, but individually they are of short
+duration, and the question naturally arises, What becomes of them all
+when they outgrow their dog-boyhood?  From such observations as I
+have been able to make, I believe the dog-boy is not a species by
+himself, but represents the early, or larva, stage of several
+varieties of domestic servants.  The clean little man, in neat print
+jacket and red velveteen cap, is the young of a butler; while
+another, whom nothing can induce to keep himself clean, would
+probably, if you reared him, turn into a ghorawalla.  There are
+others, in appearance intermediate, who are the offspring of hamals
+and mussals.  These at a later stage become coolies, going to market
+in the morning, fetching ice and soda-water, and so on, until they
+mature into hamals and mussals themselves.  Like all larvae, dog-boys
+eat voraciously and grow rapidly.  You engage a little fellow about a
+cubit high, and for a time he does not seem to change at all; then
+one morning you notice that his legs have come out half a yard or
+more from his pantaloons, and soon your bright little page is a
+gawky, long-limbed lout, who comes to ask for leave that he may go to
+his country and get married.  If you do not give it he will take it,
+and no doubt you are well rid of him, for the intellect in these
+people ripens about the age of fourteen or fifteen, and after that
+the faculty of learning anything new stops, and general intelligence
+declines.  At any rate, when once your boy begins to grow long and
+weedy, his days as a dog-boy are ended.  He will pass through a
+chrysalis stage in his country, or somewhere else, and after a time
+emerge in his mature form, in which he will still remember you, and
+salaam to you when he meets you on the road.  If he left your service
+in disgrace, he is so much the more punctilious in observing this
+ceremony, which is not an expression of gratitude, but merely an
+assertion of his right to public recognition at your hands, as one
+who had the honour of eating your salt.  I am certain an Oriental
+salaam is essentially a claim rather than a tribute.  For this reason
+your peons, as they stand in line to receive you at your office door,
+are very careful not to salaam all at once, lest you might think one
+promiscuous recognition sufficient for all.  The havildar, or naik,
+as is his right, salutes first, and then the rest follow with
+sufficient interval to allow you to recognise each one separately.  I
+have met some men with such lordly souls that they would not
+condescend to acknowledge the salutations of menials; but you gain
+nothing by this kind of pride in India.  They only conclude that you
+are not an asl, or born, saheb, and rejoice that at any rate you
+cannot take away their right to do obeisance to you.  And you cannot.
+Your very bhunghie does you a pompous salutation in public places,
+and you have no redress.
+
+The dog-boy's primary duties are to feed, tend and wash his charge,
+and to take it for a walk morning and evening; but he is active and
+very acute, and many other duties fall naturally to him.  It seems
+hard that he should come under the yoke so early, but we must not
+approach such subjects with Western ideas.  The exuberant spirits of
+boyhood are not indigenous to this country, and the dog-boy has none
+of them.  He never does mischief for mischief's sake; he robs no
+bird's nest; he feels no impulse to trifle with the policeman.
+Marbles are his principal pastime.  He puts the thumb of his left
+hand to the ground and discharges his taw from the point of his
+second finger, bending it back till it touches the back of the hand
+and then letting it off like a steel spring.  Then he follows up on
+all fours, with the action of a monsoon frog in pursuit of a fugitive
+ant.  But liberty and the pride of an independent position amply
+compensate any high-souled dog-boy for the loss of his few
+amusements.
+
+I have said that the dog-boy never does mischief for its own sake.
+He would as soon do his duty for its own sake.  The motive is not
+sufficient.  You shall not find him refusing to do any mischief which
+tends to his own advantage.  I grieve to say it, for I have leanings
+towards the dog-boy, but there is in him a vein of unsophisticated
+depravity, which issues from the rock of his nature like a clear
+spring that no stirrings of conscience or shame have rendered turbid.
+His face, it is simple and childlike, and he has the most innocent
+eye, but he tells any lie which the occasion demands with a freedom
+from embarrassment which at a later age will be impossible to him.
+He stands his ground, too, under any fire of cross-examination.  The
+rattan would dislodge him, but unfortunately his guileless
+countenance too often shields him from this searching and wholesome
+instrument.  When he is sent for a hack buggy and returns after half-
+an-hour, with a perplexed face, saying that there is not one to be
+had anywhere, who would suspect that he has been holding an auction
+at the nearest stand, dwelling on the liberality and wealth of his
+master and the distance to which his business that morning will take
+him, and that, when he found no one would bid up to his reserve, he
+remained firm and came away.  Perhaps I seem hard on the dog-boy, but
+my experience has not been a happy one.  My first seemed to be an
+average specimen, moderately clean and well-behaved; but he was not
+satisfied with his wages.  He assured me that they did not suffice to
+fill his stomach.  I told him that I thought it would be his father's
+duty for some years yet to feed and clothe him, but his young face
+grew very sad and he answered softly, "I have no father."  So I took
+pity on him and raised his pay, at the same time assuring him that,
+if he behaved himself, I would take care of him.  His principal duty
+was to take the faithful Hubshee for a walk morning and evening, and
+when he returned he would tell me where he had gone and how he had
+avoided consorting with other dog-boys and their dogs.  When matters
+had gone on in this satisfactory way for some time, I happened to
+take an unusual walk one evening, and I came suddenly on a company of
+very lively little boys engaged in a most exciting game.  Their
+shouts and laughter mingled with the doleful howls of a dozen dogs
+which were closely chained in a long row to a railing, and among them
+I had no difficulty in recognising my Hubshee.  Suffice it to say
+that my dog-boy returned next day to his father, who proved to be in
+service next door.  He was succeeded by a smart little fellow, well-
+dressed and scrupulously clean, but quite above his profession.  It
+seemed absurd to expect him to wash a dog, so, on the demise of his
+grandmother, or some other suitable occasion, he left me to find more
+congenial service elsewhere as a dressing-boy.  My next was a charity
+boy, the son of an ancient ghorawalla.  His father had been a
+faithful servant, and as regards domestic discipline, no one could
+say he spared the rod and spoiled the child.  On the contrary, as
+Shelley, I think, expresses it,
+
+
+"He spoilt the rod and did not spare the child."
+
+
+But if my last Boy had been above his work, this one proved to be
+below it.  You could not easily have disinfected any dog which he had
+been allowed to handle.  I tried to cure him, but nothing short of
+boiling in dilute carbolic acid would have purified him, and even
+then the effect would, I feel sure, have been only temporary.  So he
+returned to his stable litter and I engaged another.  This was a
+sturdy little man, with a fine, honest-looking face.  He had a dash
+of Negro blood in him, and wore a most picturesque head-dress.  In
+fact I felt that, aesthetically, he raised the tone of my house.  He
+was hardworking, too, and would do anything he was told, so that I
+seemed to have nothing to wish for now but that he might not grow old
+too soon.  But, alas!  I started on an excursion one night, leaving
+him in charge of my birds.  He promised to attend to them faithfully,
+and having seen me off, started on an excursion of his own, from
+which he did not get back till three o'clock next day.  I arrived at
+the same moment and he saw me.  Quick as thought he raced upstairs,
+flung the windows open and began to pull the covers off the bird-
+cages; but I came in before the operation could be finished.  In the
+interests of common morality I thought it best to eject him from the
+premises before he had time to frame a lie.  About a week after this
+I received a petition, signed with his mark, recounting his faithful
+services, expressing his surprise and regret at the sudden and
+unprovoked manner in which I had dismissed him, and insinuating that
+some enemy or rival had poisoned my benevolent mind against him.  He
+concluded by demanding satisfaction.  I wonder what has become of him
+since.
+
+I have said that there is a vein of depravity in the dog-boy, but
+there must be a compensating vein of worth of some kind, an Ormuzd
+which in the end often triumphs over Ahriman.  The influences among
+which he developes do little for him.  At home he is certainly
+subject to a certain rugged discipline; his mother throws stones at
+him when she is angry, and his father, when he can catch him, gives
+him a cudgeling to be remembered.  But when he leaves the parental
+roof he passes from all this and is left to himself.  Some masters
+treat him in a parental spirit and chastise him when he deserves it,
+and the Boy tyrannizes over him and twists his ear, but on the whole
+he grows as a tree grows.  And yet how often he matures into a most
+respectable and trustworthy man!
+
+
+
+THE GHORAWALLA, OR SYCE
+
+
+
+A Boy for yourself, a boy for your dog, then a man for your horse;
+that is the usual order of trouble.  Of course the horse itself
+precedes the horse-keeper, but then I do not reckon the buying of a
+horse among life's troubles, rather among its luxuries.  It combines
+all the subtle pleasures of shopping with a turbid excitement which
+is its own.  From the moment when you first start from the breakfast-
+table at the sound of hoofs, and find the noble animal at the door,
+arching his neck and champing his bit, as if he felt proud to bear
+that other animal, bandy-legged, mendacious, and altogether ignoble
+who sits jauntily on his back, down to the moment when you walk round
+to the stable for a little quiet enjoyment of the sense of ownership,
+there is a high tide of mental elation running through the days.
+Then the Ghorawalla supervenes.
+
+The first symptom of him is an indent for certain articles which he
+asserts to be absolutely necessary before he can enter on his
+professional duties.  These are a jhule, baldee, tobra, mora,
+booroos, bagdoor, agadee, peechadee, curraree, hathalee, &c.  It is
+not very rational to be angry, for most of the articles, if not all,
+are really required.  Several of them, indeed, are only ropes, for
+the Ghorawalla, or syce, as they call him on the other side of India,
+gives every bit of cordage about his beast a separate name, as a
+sailor describes the rigging of a ship.  But the fact remains that
+there is something peculiarly irritating in this first indent.
+Perhaps one feels, after buying and paying for a whole horse, that he
+might in decency have been allowed to breathe before being asked to
+pay again.  If this is it, the sooner the delusion is dissipated the
+better.  You will never have respite from payments while an active-
+minded syce remains on your staff.  You think you have fitted him out
+with everything the heart of syce can desire, and he goes away
+seemingly happy, and commences work at once, hissing like twenty
+biscobras as he throws himself against the horse, and works his arms
+from wrist to elbow into its ribs.  It looks as if it would like to
+turn round and take a small piece out of his hinder parts with its
+teeth, but its nose is tied up to the roof of the stable, and its
+hind feet are pulled out and tied to a peg behind it, so that it can
+only writhe and cultivate that amiable temper which characterizes so
+many horses in this country.  And the syce is happy; but his
+happiness needs constant sustenance.  Next morning he is at the door
+with a request for an anna to buy oil.  Horses in this country cannot
+sleep without a night-light.  They are afraid of rats, I suppose,
+like ladies.  However, it is a small demand; all the syce's demands
+are small, so are mosquitoes.  Next day he again wants an anna for
+oil, but this has nothing to do with the other.  Yesterday's was one
+sort of oil for burning, this is another sort of oil for cleaning the
+bits.  To-morrow he will require a third sort of oil for softening
+the leather nose-bag, and the oils of the country will not be
+exhausted then.  Among the varied street-cries of Bombay, the "I-
+scream" man, the tala-chavee-walla, the botlee-walla, the vendors of
+greasy sweetmeats and bawlee-sugah, the legion of borahs, and that
+abominable little imp who issues from the newspaper offices, and
+walks the streets, yelling "Telleecram! tellee-c-r-a-a-m!" among them
+all there is one voice so penetrating, and so awakening where it
+penetrates, that--that I cannot find a fitting conclusion to this
+sentence.  Who of us has not started at that shrill squeal of pain,
+"Nee-ee-ee-ttile!"  The Ghorawalla watches for it, and stopping the
+good-natured woman, brings her in and submits a request for a bottle
+of neat's foot oil, for want of which your harness is going to
+destruction.  She has blacking as well as oil, but he will call her
+in for that afterwards.  He never concludes two transactions in one
+day.  When he has succeeded in reducing you to such a state of
+irritability that it is not safe to mention money in your presence,
+he stops at once and changes tactics.  He brings the horse to the
+door with a thick layer of dust on the saddle and awaits your onset
+with the intrepid inquiry, "Can a saddle be kept clean without soap?"
+I suppose a time will come when he will have got every article he can
+possibly use, and it is natural to hope that he will then be obliged
+to leave you.  But this also is a delusion.  On the contrary, his
+resources only begin to develop themselves when he has got all he
+wants.  First one of the leather things on the horse's hind feet
+gives way and has to be cobbled, then a rope wears out and must be
+replaced, then a buckle gets loose and wants a stitch.  But his chief
+reliance is on the headstall and the nose-bag.  When these have got
+well into use, one or other of them may be counted on to give way
+about every other day, and when nothing of the original article is
+left, the patches of which it is composed keep on giving way.  Each
+repair costs from one to three pice, and it puzzles one to conceive
+what benefit a well-paid groom can derive from being the broker in
+such petty transactions.  But all the details of life in this country
+are microscopical, not only among the poor, but among those whose
+business is conducted in lakhs.  I have been told of a certain well-
+known, wealthy mill-owner who, when a water Brahmin at a railway
+station had supplied him and all his attendants with drinking-water,
+was seen to fumble in his waistband, and reward the useful man with
+one copper pie.  A pie at present rates of exchange is worth about
+47/128 of a farthing, and it is instructive to note that emergency,
+when it came, found this Croesus provided with such a coin.
+
+Now it is evident that if the syce can extort two pice from you for
+repairs and get the work done for five pies, one clear pie will
+adhere to his glutinous palm.  I do not assert that this is what
+happens, for I know nothing about it.  All I maintain is that there
+is no hypothesis which will satisfactorily explain all the facts,
+unless you admit the general principle that the syce derives
+advantage of some kind from the manipulation of the smallest copper
+coin.  One notable phenomenon which this principle helps to explain
+is the syce's anxiety to have his horse shod on the due date every
+month.  If the shoes are put on so atrociously that they stick for
+more than a month, I suspect he considers it professional to help
+them off.
+
+Horses in this country are fed mostly on "gram," cicer arietinum, a
+kind of pea, which, when split, forms dall, and can be made into a
+most nutritious and palatable curry.  The Ghorawalla recognises this
+fact.  If he is modest, you may be none the wiser, perhaps none the
+worse; but if he is not, then his horse will grow lean, while he
+grows stout.  How to obviate this result is indeed the main problem
+which the syce presents, and many are the ways in vogue of trying to
+solve it.  One way is to have the horse fed in your presence, you
+doing butler and watching him feed.  Another is to play upon the
+caste feelings of the syce, defiling the horse's food in some way.  I
+believe the editor of the Aryan Trumpet considers this a violation of
+the Queen's proclamation, and, in any case, it is a futile device.
+It may work with the haughty Purdaisee, but suppose your Ghorawalla
+is a Mahar, whose caste is a good way below that of his horse?  I
+have nothing to do with any of these devices.  I establish a compact
+with my man, the unwritten conditions of which are, that I pay him
+his wages, and supply a proper quantity of provender, while he, on
+his part, must see that his horse is always fat enough to work, and
+himself lean enough to run.  If he cannot do this, I propose to find
+someone who can.  Once he comes to a clear understanding of this
+treaty, and especially of its last clause, he will give little
+trouble.  As some atonement for worrying you so much about the
+accoutrements, the Ghorawalla is very careful not to disturb you
+about the horse.  If the saddle galls it, or its hoof cracks, he
+suppresses the fact, and experiments upon the ailment with his own
+"vernacular medicines," as the Baboo called them.  When these fail,
+and the case is almost past cure, he mentions it casually, as an
+unfortunate circumstance which has come to his notice.  There are a
+few things, only a few, which make me feel homicidal, and this is one
+of them.
+
+I cannot find the bright side of the syce:  perhaps I am not in a
+humour to see it.  Looking back down a long avenue of Gunnoos,
+Tookarams, Raghoos, Mahadoos and others whose names even have grown
+dim, I discern only a monotony of provocation.  The fine figure of
+old Bindaram stands out as an exception, but then he was a coachman,
+and the coachman is to the Ghorawalla, what cream is to skim milk.
+The unmitigated Ghorawalla is a sore disease, one of those forms of
+suffering which raise the question whether our modern civilization is
+anything but a great spider, spinning a web of wants and their
+accompanying worries over the world and entangling us all, that it
+may suck our life-blood out.  In justice I will admit that, as a
+runner, the thoroughbred Mahratta Ghorawalla has no peer in the
+animal kingdom.  A sporting friend and I once engaged in a steeple-
+chase with two of them.  I was mounted on a great Cape horse, my
+friend on a wiry countrybred, and the men on their own proper legs,
+curious looking limbs without any flesh on them, only shiny black
+leather stretched over bones.  The goal was bakshees, twelve miles
+away.  The ground at first favoured them, consisting of rice fields,
+along the bunds of which they ran like cats on a wall.  Then we came
+to more open country and got well ahead, but at the last mile they
+put on the most splendid spurt I ever saw, and won by a hundred
+lengths.
+
+It is also only justice to say that we do not give the Ghorawalla
+fair play.  We artificialise him, dress him according to our tastes,
+conform him to our notions, cramp his ingenuity, and quench his
+affections.  The Ghorawalla in his native state is no more like our
+domesticated Pandoo than the wild ass of Cutch is like the
+costermonger's moke.  We will have him like our own saddlery, plain
+and businesslike, but he is by nature like his national horse gear,
+ornamental, and if you let him alone, will effloresce in a red fez
+cap, with tassel, and a waistcoat of green baize.  In such a guise he
+feels worthy to tend a piebald horse, caparisoned in crimson silk,
+with a tight martingale of red and yellow cord.  He can take an
+interest in such a horse, and will himself educate it to walk on its
+hind legs and paw the air with its forefeet, or to progress at a
+royal amble, lifting both feet on one side at the same time, so that
+its body moves as steadily as if on wheels, and, to use the
+expressive language of a Brahmin friend of mine, the water in your
+stomach is not shaken.  He will feed it with balls of ghee and
+jagree, that it may become rotund and sleek, he will shampoo its legs
+after hard work, and address it as "my son."  If it is disobedient,
+he will chastise it by plunging his knee into his stomach, and if it
+acquits itself well, he will plait its mane and dye the tip of its
+tail magenta.  This loving relationship between him and his beast
+extends even to religion, and the horse enjoys the Hindoo festivals.
+During the Dussera it does not work, but comes to the door, festooned
+with garlands of marigold, and expects a rupee.
+
+The coachman is to the Ghorawalla what cream is to skim milk, that is
+if you consider his substance.  As regards his art he is a foreign
+product altogether, and I take little interest in him.  There is an
+indigenous art of driving in this country, the driving of the
+bullock, but that is a great subject.
+
+
+
+BOOTLAIR SAHEB--ANGLICE, THE BUTLER
+
+
+
+Some dogs, when they hear a fiddle, are forced to turn over on their
+backs and howl; some are unmoved by music.  So some men are tortured
+by every violation of symmetry, while some cannot discern a straight
+line.  I belong to the former class, and my Butler belongs to the
+latter.  He WOULD lay the table in a way which almost gave me a crick
+in neck, and certainly dislocated my temper, and he would not see
+that there was anything wrong.  I reasoned with him, for he is an
+intelligent man.  I pointed out to him, in his own vernacular, that
+the knives and forks were not parallel, that the four dishes formed a
+trapezium, and that the cruet, taken with any two of the salt
+cellars, made a scalene triangle; in short, that there was not one
+parallelogram, or other regular figure, on the table.  At last a
+gleam of light passed over his countenance.  Yes, he understood it
+all; it was very simple; henceforth I should find everything
+straight.  And here is the result!  He has arranged everything with
+the utmost regularity, guiding himself by the creases in the
+tablecloth; but, unfortunately, he began by laying the cloth itself
+slantwise; consequently, I find myself with my back to one corner of
+the room and my face to another, and cannot get rid of the feeling
+that everything on the table is slightly the worse for liquor.  And
+the Butler is in despair.  What on earth, he thinks, can be wrong
+now?  He evidently gives it up, and so do I.
+
+I have already treated of the Boy, and to devote another chapter to
+the Butler may seem like making a distinction where there is no
+difference; but there is in reality a radical difference between the
+two offices, which is this, that your Boy looks after you, whereas
+your Butler looks after the other servants, and you look after him;
+at least, I hope you do.  From this it follows that the Boy
+flourishes only in the free atmosphere of bachelordom.  If master
+marries, the Boy sometimes becomes a Butler, but I have generally
+seen that the change was fatal to him.  He feels a share at first in
+master's happiness on the auspicious occasion, and begins to fit on
+his new dignity.  He provides himself with a more magnificent
+cumberbund, enlarges the border of gold thread on his puggree, and
+furbishes up his English that he may converse pleasantly with mem
+saheb.  He orders about the other servants with a fuller voice than
+before, and when anyone calls for a chair, he no longer brings one
+himself, but commands the hamal to do so.  He feels supremely happy!
+Alas! before the mem saheb has been many weeks in the house, the
+change of air begins to disagree with him--not with his body, but
+with his spirit, and though he may bear up against it for a time, he
+sooner or later asks leave to go to his country.  His new mistress is
+nothing loth to be rid of him, nor master either, for even his
+countenance is changed; and so the Butler's brief reign comes to an
+end, and he departs, deploring the unhappy match his master has made.
+Why could not so liberal and large-minded a saheb remain unmarried,
+and continue to cast the shadow of his benevolence on those who were
+so happy as to eat his salt, instead of taking to himself a madam,
+under whom there is no peace night or day?  As he sits with his
+unemployed friends seeking the consolation of the never-failing
+beeree, the ex-butler narrates her ladyship's cantankerous ways, how
+she eternally fidgeted over a little harmless dust about the corners
+of the furniture, as if it was not the nature of dust to settle on
+furniture; how she would have window panes washed which had never
+been washed before; her meanness in inquiring about the consumption
+of oil and milk and firewood, matters which the saheb had never
+stooped to look into; and her unworthy and insulting practice of
+locking up stores, and doling them out day by day, not to mention
+having the cow milked in her presence:  all which made him so ashamed
+in the presence of the other servants that his life became bitter,
+and he was forced to ask for his ruzza.
+
+Lalla, sitting next to him, remarks that no doubt one person is of
+one disposition and another of another disposition.  "If it had been
+my destiny to remain in the service of Colonel Balloonpeel, all my
+days would have passed in peace; but he went to England when he got
+his PENCIL.  Who can describe the calmness and goodness of his madam.
+She never asked a question.  She put the keys in the Butler's hand,
+and if he asked for money she gave it.  But one person is of one
+disposition and another is of another disposition."
+
+"That is true," replies the ex-butler, "but the sahebs are better
+than the mem sahebs.  The sahebs are hot and get angry sometimes, but
+under them a man can live and eat a mouthful of bread.  With the mem
+sahebs it is nothing but worry, worry, worry.  Why is this so dirty?
+Who broke that plate?  When was that glass cracked?  Alas! why do the
+sahebs marry such women?"
+
+Old Ramjee then withdraws his beeree from his mouth and sheds light
+on the subject.  "You see, in England there are very few women, for
+which reason it is that so many sahebs remain unmarried.  So when a
+saheb goes home to his country for a wife, he must take what he can
+get."
+
+"It is a question of destiny," says Lalla, "with them and with us.
+My first wife, who can tell how meek she was?  She never opened her
+mouth.  My present wife is such a sheitan that a man cannot live
+under the same roof with her.  I have sent her to her country ten
+times, but what is the use?  Will she stay there?  The flavour has
+all gone out of my life."
+
+And they all make noises expressive of sympathy.
+
+The Butler being commander-in-chief of the household forces, I find
+one quality to be indispensable in him, and that is what the natives
+call hookoomut, the faculty of so commanding that other men obey.  He
+has to control a sneaking mussaul, an obstinate hamal, a quarrelsome,
+or perhaps a drunken cook, a wicked dog-boy, a proud coachman, and a
+few turbulent ghorawallas, while he must conciliate, or outwit, the
+opposition headed by the ayah.  If he cannot do this there will be
+factions, seditions, open mutiny, ending in appeals to you, to which
+if you give ear, you will foster all manner of intrigue, and put a
+premium on lies and hypocrisy; and it will be strange if you do not
+end by punishing the innocent and filling the guilty with unholy joy.
+In this country there is only one way of dealing with the squabbles
+of domestics and dependents, and that is the method of Gallio, who
+was a great man.
+
+Besides the general responsibilities of his position as C.-in-C., the
+Butler has certain specific duties, such as to stand with arms folded
+behind you at meal time, to clean the silver, and to go to the bazaar
+in the morning.  The last seems to be quite as much a prerogative as
+a duty, and the cook wants to go to law about it, regarding the
+Butler as an unlawful usurper.  He asserts his claim by spoiling the
+meat which the Butler brings.  Of course, there must be some reason
+why this duty, or privilege, is so highly valued, and no doubt that
+reason is connected with the great Oriental principle, that of
+everything a man handles or controls, somewhat should adhere to his
+palm; but if you ask how this principle is applied or worked out, I
+can only reply that that is a matter on which I believe not one of us
+has any information, though for the most part we hold very emphatic
+opinions on the subject.  I am quite certain that it may be laid down
+for a general rule that the Butler prefers indirect to direct
+taxation.  He certainly would not reduce salt and customs duties to
+pave the way for an income tax.  Neither would a Viceroy, perhaps, if
+he had to stay and reap the fruit of his works, instead of leaving
+that to his successor--but that is political reflection which has no
+business here.  The Butler, I say, wisely prefers indirect taxation
+and prospers.  How, then, are you to checkmate him?  Don't!  A wise
+man never attempts what cannot be accomplished.  I work on the
+assumption that my Butler is, like Brutus, an honourable man,
+treating him with consideration, and fostering his self-respect, even
+at the cost, perhaps, of a little hypocrisy.  It is a gracious form
+of hypocrisy, and one that often justifies itself in the end, for the
+man tends to become what you assume that he is.  For myself, I
+confess that I yield to the butler's claim to go to market, albeit I
+am assured that he derives unjust advantages therefrom, more easily
+than I reconcile myself to that other privilege of standing, with
+arms folded, behind me while I breakfast, or tiffin, or dine.  I can
+endure the suspicion that he is growing rich while I am growing poor,
+but that argus supervision over my necessary food is like a canker,
+and his indefatigable attentiveness would ruin the healthiest
+appetite.  After removing the cover from the "beefysteak" and raising
+one end of the dish that I may get at the gravy more easily, he
+offers me potatoes, and I try to overcome an instinctive repugnance
+to the large and mealy tuber under which he has adjusted the spoon in
+order to lighten my labour.  After the potatoes there are vegetables.
+Then he moves the salt a little nearer me and I help myself.  Next he
+presses the cruet-stand on my attention, putting the spoon into the
+mustard pot and taking the stopper out of the sauce bottle.  I submit
+in the hope that I may now be allowed to begin; but he has salad or
+tomatoes or something else requiring attention.  I submit once more
+and then assume my knife and fork.  He watches his opportunity and
+insinuates a pickle bottle, holding the fork in his right hand.  I
+feel that it is time to make a stand, so I give him one unspeakable
+look and proceed with my meal, whereupon he retreats and I breathe a
+little more freely.  But no; he is at my left hand again with bread.
+To do him justice, he is quite willing to save me annoyance by
+impaling a slice on the knife and transferring it to my plate, but I
+prefer to help myself, which encourages him to return to the charge
+with butter and then jam.  This looks like the end, but his resources
+are infinite.  His eye falls on the sugar basin standing beside my
+teacup, and he immediately takes it up and, coming round to my left
+side, holds it to my nose.  All this time sit I, like Tantalus, with
+the savoriest of Domingo's "beefysteaks" before me and am not allowed
+to taste it.  But I know that in every operation he is animated by an
+exalted sense of blended duty and prerogative, and if I could really
+open his mind to the thought that the least of his attentions was
+dispensable, his whole nature would be demoralized at once; so I
+endure and grow lean.  Another thing which works towards the same
+result is a practice that he has of studying my tastes, and when he
+thinks he has detected a preference for a particular dish, plying me
+with that until the very sight of it becomes nauseous.  At one time
+he fed me with "broon custard" pudding for about six months, until in
+desperation I interdicted that preparation for evermore, and he fell
+back upon "lemol custard."  Thus my luxuries are cut off one after
+another and there is little left that I can eat.
+
+Our grandfathers used to have Parsee butlers in tall hats to wait
+upon them, but that race is now extinct.  The Butler on this side of
+India is now a Goanese, or a Soortee, or, more rarely, a Mussulman.
+Each of these has, doubtless, his own characteristics; but have you
+ever stepped back a few paces and contemplated, not your own or
+anyone else's individual servant, but the entire phenomenon of an
+Indian Butler?  Here is a man whose food by nature is curry and rice,
+before a hillock of which he sits cross-legged, and putting his five
+fingers into it, makes a large bolus, which he pushes into his mouth.
+He repeats this till all is gone, and then he sleeps like a boa-
+constrictor until he recovers his activity; or else he feeds on great
+flat cakes of wheat flour, off which he rends jagged-pieces and
+lubricates them with some spicy and unctuous gravy.  All our ways of
+life, our meats and drinks, and all our notions of propriety and
+fitness in connection with the complicated business of appeasing our
+hunger as becomes our station, all these are a foreign land to him:
+yet he has made himself altogether at home in them.  He has a sound
+practical knowledge of all our viands, their substance, and the mode
+of their preparation, their qualities, relationships and harmonies,
+and the exact place they hold in our great cenatorial system.  He
+knows all liquors also by name, with their places and times of
+appearing.  And he is as great in action as in knowledge.  When he
+takes the command of a burra khana he is a Wellington.  He plans with
+foresight, and executes with fortitude and self-reliance.  See him
+marshal his own troops and his auxiliary butlers while he carves and
+dispenses the joint!  Then he puts himself at their head and invades
+the dining-room.  He meets with reverses;--the claret-jug collides
+with a dish in full sail and sheds its contents on his white coat;
+the punkah rope catches his turban and tosses it into a lady's lap,
+exposing his curiously shaven head to the public merriment; but,
+though disconcerted, he is not defeated.  He never forgets his
+position or loses sight of his dignity.  His mistress discusses him
+with such wit as may be at her command, and he understands but smiles
+not.  When the action is over he retires from the field, divests
+himself of his robes of office and sits down, as he was bred to do,
+before that hillock of curry and rice.
+
+Even good Homer nods, and I confess I am still haunted by the memory
+of a day when my Chief was my guest, and the butler served up red
+herrings neatly done up in--The Times of India!
+
+
+
+DOMINGO, THE COOK
+
+
+
+I do not remember who was the author of the observation that a great
+nation in a state of decay betakes itself to the fine arts.  Perhaps
+no one has made the observation yet.  It is certainly among the
+records of my brain, but I may possibly have put it there myself.  If
+so, I make it now, for the possibilities of originality are getting
+scarce and will soon disappear from the face of the earth as
+completely as the mastodon.  The present application of the saying is
+to the people of Goa, who, while they carry through the world
+patronymics which breathe of conquest and discovery, devote their
+energies rather to the violin and the art of cookery.  The caviller
+may object to the application of the words "fine art" to culinary
+operations, but the objection rests on superficial thought.  A deeper
+view will show that art is in the artist, not in his subject or his
+materials.  Perusal of the Codes of the Financial Department showed
+me many years ago that the retrenchment of my pay and allowances
+could be elevated to a fine art by devotion of spirit, combined with
+a fine sense of law.  And to Domingo the preparation of dinner is
+indeed a fine art.  Trammel his genius, confine him within the limits
+of what is commonly called a "plain dinner," and he cannot cook.  He
+stews his meat before putting it into a pie, he thickens his custard
+with flour instead of eggs, he roasts a leg of mutton by boiling it
+first and doing "littlee brown" afterwards; in short, what does he
+not do?  It is true of all his race.  How loathsome were Pedro's
+mutton chops, and Camilo could not boil potatoes decently for a
+dinner of less than four courses.  But let him loose on a burra
+khana, give him carte blanche as to sauces and essences and spicery,
+and all his latent faculties and concealed accomplishments unfold
+themselves like a lotus flower in the morning.  No one could have
+suspected that the shame-faced little man harboured such resources.
+If he has not always the subtlest perception of the harmonics of
+flavours, what a mastery he shows of strong effects and striking
+contrasts, what fecundity of invention, what a play of fancy in
+decoration, what manual dexterity, what rapidity and certainty in all
+his operations!  And the marvel increases when we consider the
+simplicity of his implements and materials.  His studio is fitted
+with half a dozen small fireplaces, and furnished with an assortment
+of copper pots, a chopper, two tin spoons--but he can do without
+these,--a ladle made of half a cocoanut shell at the end of a stick,
+and a slab of stone with a stone roller on it; also a rickety table;
+a very gloomy and ominous looking table, whose undulating surface is
+chopped and hacked and scarred, begrimed, besmeared, smoked, oiled,
+stained with juices of many substances.  On this table he minces
+meat, chops onions, rolls pastry and sleeps; a very useful table.  In
+the midst of these he hustles about, putting his face at intervals
+into one of his fires and blowing through a short bamboo tube, which
+is his bellows, such a potent blast that for a moment his whole head
+is enveloped in a cloud of ashes and cinders, which also descend
+copiously on the half-made tart and the souffle and the custard.
+Then he takes up an egg, gives it three smart raps with the nail of
+his forefinger, and in half a second the yoke is in one vessel and
+the white in another.  The fingers of his left hand are his strainer.
+Every second or third egg he tosses aside, having detected, as it
+passed through the said strainer that age had rendered it unsuitable
+for his purposes; sometimes he does not detect this.  From eggs he
+proceeds to onions, then he is taking the stones out of raisins, or
+shelling peas.  There is a standard English cookery book which
+commences most of its instructions with the formula, "wash your hands
+carefully, using a nail brush."  Domingo does not observe this
+ceremony, but he often wipes his fingers upon his pantaloons.  It
+occurs to me, however, that I do not wisely pursue this theme; for
+the mysteries of Domingo's craft are no fit subject for the
+gratification of an irreverent curiosity.  Those words of the poet,
+
+
+"Where ignorance is bliss,
+'Tis folly to be wise,"
+
+
+have no truer application.  You will reap the bliss when you sit down
+to the savoury result.
+
+Though Domingo is naturally shy, and does not make a display of his
+attainments, he is a man of education, and is quite prepared, if you
+wish it, to write out his menu.  Here is a sample
+
+
+Soup.
+Salary Soup.
+
+Fis.
+Heel fish fry.
+
+Madish.
+Russel Pups.  Wormsil mole.
+
+Joint.
+Roast Bastard.
+
+Toast.
+Anchovy Poshteg.
+
+Puddin.
+Billimunj.  Ispunj roli.
+
+
+I must take this opportunity to record a true story of a menu, though
+it does not properly pertain to Domingo, but an ingenious Ramaswamy,
+of Madras.  This man's master liked everything very proper, and
+insisted on a written menu at every meal.  One morning Ramaswamy was
+much embarrassed, for the principal dish at breakfast was to be
+devilled turkey.  "Devil very bad word," he said to himself; "how can
+write?"  At last he solved the difficulty, and the dish appeared as
+"D---d turkey."
+
+Our surprise at Domingo's attainments is no doubt due very much to
+the humble attire in which we are accustomed to see him, his working
+dress being a quondam white cotton jacket and a pair of blue checked
+pantaloons of a strong material made in jails, or two pairs, the
+sound parts of one being arranged to underlie the holes in the other.
+When once we have seen the gentleman dressed for church on a festival
+day, with the beaver which has descended to him from his illustrious
+grandfather's benevolent master respectfully held in his hand, and
+his well brushed hair shining with a bountiful allowance of cocoanut
+ointment, surprise ceases.  He is indeed a much respected member of
+society, and enjoys the esteem of his club, where he sometimes takes
+chambers when out of employment.  By his fellow servants, too, he is
+recognised as a professional man, and called The Maistrie, but, like
+ourselves, he is an exile, and, like some of us, he is separated from
+his wife and children, so his thoughts run much upon furlough and
+ultimate retirement, and he adopts a humble style of life with the
+object of saving money.  In this object he succeeds most remarkably.
+Little as we know of the home life of our Hindoo servants, we know
+almost less about that of Domingo, for he rarely has his family with
+him.  Is he a fond husband and an indulgent father?  I fancy he is
+when his better nature is uppermost, but I am bound to confess that
+the cardinal vice of his character is cruelty, not the passive
+cruelty of the pure Asiatic, but that ferocious cruelty which
+generally marks an infusion of European blood.  The infusion in him
+has filtered through so many generations that it must be very weak
+indeed, but it shows itself.  When I see an emaciated crow with the
+point of its beak chopped off, so that it cannot pick up its food, or
+another with a tin pot fastened with wire to its bleeding nose, I
+know whose handiwork is there.  Domingo suffers grievously from the
+depredations of crows, and when his chance comes he enjoys a savage
+retribution.  Some allowance must be made for the hardening influence
+of his profession; familiarity with murder makes him callous.  When
+he executes a moorgee he does it in the way of sport, and sits, like
+an ancient Roman, verso pollice, enjoying the spectacle of its dying
+struggles.
+
+According to his lights Domingo is a religious man; that is to say,
+he wears a necklace of red beads, eats fish on Fridays, observes
+festivals and holidays, and gives pretty liberally to the church
+under pressure.  So he maintains a placid condition of conscience
+while his monthly remittance to Goa exceeds the amount of his salary.
+He rises early on Sunday morning to go to confession, and I would
+give something to have the place, just one day, of the good father to
+whom he unbosoms himself.  But perhaps I am wrong.  I daresay he
+believes he has nothing to confess.
+
+One story more to teach us to judge charitably of Domingo.  A lady
+was inveighing to a friend against the whole race of Indian cooks as
+dirty, disorderly, and dishonest.  She had managed to secure the
+services of a Chinese cook, and was much pleased with the contrast.
+Her friend did not altogether agree with her, and was sceptical about
+the immaculate Chinaman.  "Put it to the test," said the lady; "just
+let us pay a visit to your kitchen, and then come and see mine."  So
+they went together.  What need to describe the Bobberjee-Khana?  They
+glanced round, and hurried out, for it was too horrible to be endured
+long.  When they went to the Chinaman's kitchen, the contrast was
+indeed striking.  The pots and pans shone like silver; the table was
+positively sweet; everything was in its proper place, and Chang
+himself, sitting on his box, was washing his feet in the soup tureen!
+
+
+
+THE MUSSAUL, OR MAN OF LAMPS
+
+
+
+The Mussaul's name is Mukkun, which means butter, and of this
+commodity I believe he absorbs as much as he can honestly or
+dishonestly come by.  How else does the surface of him acquire that
+glossy, oleaginous appearance, as if he would take fire easily and
+burn well?  I wish we could do without him!  The centre of his
+influence, a small room in the suburbs of the dining-room, which he
+calls the dispence, or dispence-khana, is a place of unwholesome
+sights and noisome odours, which it is good not to visit unless as
+Hercules visited the stables of Augeas.  The instruments of his
+profession are there, a large handie full of very greasy water, with
+bits of lemon peel and fragments of broken victuals swimming in it,
+and a short, stout stick, with a little bunch of foul rag tied to one
+end of it.  Here the Mussaul sits on the ice numda while we have our
+meals, and as each plate returns from the table, he takes charge of
+it, and transfers to his mouth whatever he finds on it, for he is of
+the omnivora, like the crow.  Then he seizes his weapon of offence,
+and, dipping the rag end into the handie, gives the plate a masterly
+wipe, and lays it on the table upside down, or dries it with a damask
+table napkin.  The butler encourages him for some reason to use up
+the table napkins in this way.  I suppose it is because he does not
+like to waste the dhobie on anything before it is properly soiled.
+When the Mussaul has disposed of the breakfast things in this summary
+way, he betakes himself to the great work of the day, the polishing
+of the knives.  He first plunges the ivory handles into boiling
+water, and leaves them to steep for a time, then he seats himself on
+the ice again, and, arranging a plank of wood in a sloping position,
+holds it fast with his toes, rubs it well with a piece of bath brick,
+and commences to polish with all the energy which he has saved by the
+neglect of other duties.  Hour after hour the squeaky, squeaky,
+squeaky sound of that board plays upon your nerves, not the nerves of
+the ear, but the nerves of the mind, for there is more in it than the
+ear can convey.  Every sight and every sound in this world comes to
+us inextricably woven into the warp which the mind supplies, and, as
+you listen to that baleful sound, you seem to feel with your finger
+points the back of each good, new knife getting sharper and sharper,
+and to watch its progress as it wears away at the point of greatest
+pressure, until the end of the blade is connected with the rest by a
+narrow neck, which eventually breaks, and the point falls off,
+leaving the knife in that condition so familiar to us all, when the
+blade, about three inches long, ends in a jagged, square point, the
+handle having, meanwhile, acquired a rich orange hue.  Oh, those
+knives! those knives!
+
+Etymologically Mukkun is a man of lamps, and, when he has brushed
+your boots and stowed them away under your bed, putting the left boot
+on the right side and vice versa, in order that the toes may point
+outwards, as he considers they should, then he addresses himself to
+this part of his duty.  Old Bombayites can remember the days of
+cocoanut, when he had to begin his operations during the cold season
+by putting a row of bottles out in the sun to melt the frozen oil;
+but kerosine has changed all that, and he has nothing to do but to
+trim the wick into that fork-tailed pattern in which he delights, and
+which secures the minimum of light with the maximum destruction of
+chimneys, to smear the outside of each lamp with his greasy fingers,
+to conjure away a gallon or so of oil, and to meet remonstrance with
+a child-like query, "Do I drink kerosene oil?"  Then he unbends, and
+gives himself up to a gentle form of recreation in which he finds
+much enjoyment.  This is to perch on a low wall or big stone at the
+garden gate, and watch the carriages and horses as they pass by.
+Other Mussauls, ghorawallas, and passing ice coolies stop and perch
+beside him, and sometimes an ayah or two, with a perambulator and its
+weary little occupant, grace the gathering.  I suppose the topics of
+the day are discussed, the chances of a Russian invasion, the
+dearness of rice, and the events which led to the dismissal of Mr.
+Smith's old Mussaul Canjee.  Then the time for the lighting of lamps
+arrives, and Mukkun returns to his duties.
+
+You might not perhaps suspect it, but Mukkun is a prey to vanity.
+The pure oily transparency of his Italian complexion commands his
+admiration, and he thinks much of those glossy love-locks which
+emerge from his turban and curl in front of his ears.  Several times
+a day he goes into his room to contemplate himself in a small hand
+mirror, and to wind up the love-locks on his finger.  Poor Mukkun
+has, indeed, a very human side, and the phenomenon which we recognise
+as our Mussaul is not the whole of him.  By birth he is an
+agriculturist, and there is in the environs of Surat a little plot of
+land and a small dilapidated hut in one corner of it, overgrown with
+monstrous gourds, which he thinks of as home, sweet home.  There are
+his young barbarians all at play, but he, their sire, is forced to
+seek service abroad because, as he practically expresses it, the
+produce of his small field is not sufficient to fill so many bellies.
+But, wherever he wanders, his heart--for he has a heart--flutters
+about that rickety hut, and as he sits polishing your boots of a
+morning, you may hear him pensively humming to himself:--
+
+
+Beatus ille qui, procul negotiis,
+   Ut prisca gens mortalium,
+Paterna rura bobus exercet suis,
+   Solutus omni foenore.
+
+
+He puts a peculiar pathos into the last line, for he is grievously
+haunted by an apparition in the form of an old man with a small red
+turban, gold earrings, and grey beard parted in the middle, who
+flourishes a paper in his face and talks of the debtors' gaol; and
+hints that he will have the little house and field near Surat.
+Mukkun first fell into the net of this spider many years ago, when he
+wanted a few hundred rupees to enable him to celebrate the marriage
+of his little child.  He signed a bond for twice the amount he
+received then, and it continues to increase from year to year, though
+he has paid the principal twice over in interest; at least he thinks
+he has, but he is not a good accountant.  Every now and then he is
+required to sign some fresh document, of the contents of which he
+knows nothing, but the effect of which is always the same--viz., to
+heap up his liabilities and rivet his fetters more firmly, and
+punctually on pay day every month, the grim old man waylays him and
+compels him to disgorge his wages, allowing him so much grain and
+spices as will keep him in condition till next pay day.  In a word,
+Mukkun is a slave.  Yet he does not jump into the garden well, nor
+his quietus make with a bare bodkin.  No, he plods through life, eats
+his rice and curry with gusto, smokes his cigarette with
+satisfaction, oils his lovelocks, borrows money from the cook to buy
+a set of silver buttons for his waistcoat, and when he tires of them,
+pawns them to pay for a velvet cap on which he has set his heart.  In
+short, he behaves a la Mukkun, and no insight is to be had by
+examining his case through English spectacles; but it is our strange
+infirmity, being the most singular people on earth, to regard
+ourselves as typical of the human race, and ergo to conclude that
+what is good for us cannot be otherwise than good for all the world.
+Hence many of our anti-tyranny agitations and philanthropies, not
+always beneficial to the subjects of them, and also many of our
+misplaced sympathies.  We see a spider eating a fly, and long to
+crush the spider, while we shed a tear for the fly.  But the spider
+is much the higher animal of the two.  It labours long hours laying
+out a net, and then waits all day for the fruit of its toil.  Insects
+are caught and escape again, the net gets broken, and when, after
+many disappointments, the spider secures a fat fly, what advantage
+does it derive?  A meal; just what the fly got by sitting in a pit of
+manure and sipping till it could sip no more.  Doom that fly to the
+life which the spider leads, and it would drown itself in your milk
+jug on the spot, unable to bear up under such a weight of care and
+toil.  In this parable the fly is Mukkun and the spider is Shylock,
+and my sympathies are not wholly given to the former.  I quite admit
+that Shylock worries him cruelly, and if he had not given hostages to
+fortune, he would abscond with a light heart to some distant station
+where he might forget his old debts and contract new ones.  But this
+is not the alternative before him.  The alternative is to take care
+of his money, not to buy things which he cannot afford, to do without
+the silver buttons, and postpone the velvet cap, all which would put
+a strain on his mental and moral constitution, under which he would
+wear out in a week.  He must find some other modus vivendi than that.
+If he had lived in the world's infancy, he would have sold himself
+and his family to someone who would have fed him and clothed him, and
+relieved him of the cares of life.  But Britons never, never, never
+shall be slaves, and under our rule Mukkun is forced to share that
+disability; so he attains his end in an indirect way, and lives
+thereafter in such happiness as nature has given him capacity to
+enjoy.  Shylock will neither put him into gaol nor seize his field.
+We do not send our milch cow to the butcher.  Shylock owns a hundred
+such as he, and much trouble they give him.
+
+Mukkun lives in dread of the devil.  Nothing will induce him to pass
+at night by places where the foul fiend is known to walk, nor will he
+sleep alone without a light.
+
+
+
+THE HAMAL
+
+
+
+The Hamal is a creature which gets up very early in the morning,
+before anyone is out of bed, and opens the doors and windows with as
+much noise as may be.  He leaves the hooks unfastened, that a feu-de-
+joie may celebrate the advent of the first gust of wind.  He drops
+the lower bolts of the doors, so that they may rake up the matting
+every time they are opened.  Then he proceeds to dust the furniture
+with the duster which hangs over his shoulder.  He does this because
+it is his duty, and with no view to any practical result;
+consequently it never occurs to him to look at what he is doing, and
+you will afterwards find curiously shaped patches of dust which have
+escaped the sweep of his "towal."  He next turns his attention to the
+books in the bookcase, and we are all familiar with his ravages
+there.  He is usually content to bang them well with his duster, but
+I refer to high days, when he takes each book out and caresses it on
+both sides, replacing it upside down, and putting the different
+volumes of each work on different shelves.  All this he does, not of
+malice, but simply because 'tis his nature to.  He does not disturb
+the cobwebs on the corners of the bookcase, because you never told
+him to do so.  As he moves grunting about the room, the duster falls
+from his shoulder, and he picks it up with his toes to avoid the
+fatigue of stooping.  When all the dusting is done, and the table-
+covers and ornaments are replaced, then he proceeds to shake the
+carpets and sweep the floor, for it is one of his ways, when left to
+himself, to dust first and sweep after.  Finally he disposes of the
+rubbish which his broom has collected, by stowing it away under a
+cupboard, or pushing it out over the doorstep among the ferns and
+calladiums.
+
+Such is the Hamal in his youth, and as he grows older he gets more
+so.  About middle life he sets hard, like plaster of Paris, his
+senses get obfuscated, and a shell appears to form on the outside of
+his intellect, so that access to his understanding becomes very
+difficult.  Sometimes his temper also grows crabbed, and noli me
+tangere writes itself distinctly across the mark of his god on his
+old brow.  A Hamal in this phase is the most impracticable animal in
+this universe.  When found fault with, he never answers back, but he
+enters on a vigorous conversation with himself, which is like a tune
+on a musical box, for it must be allowed to go until it runs itself
+out; nothing short of smashing the instrument will stop it.  How well
+I remember one veteran of this type, from whose colloquies with his
+own soul I gathered that he had been fifty-six years in gentlemen's
+service, and never served any but gentlemen until he came to me.  He
+computed his age, I think, at seventy-two, and asked leave to attend
+the funeral of his grandfather.  Sometimes, happily, the Hamal's
+senility takes the direction of benevolence.  Who does not know the
+benign, stupid old man, with his snowy whiskers and kindly smile,
+which seems to grow kindlier with every tooth he loses!
+
+It is a practical question whether you should endure the Hamal, or
+address yourself to the task of his reformation, and I am content to
+make myself singular by advocating the latter for two reasons;
+firstly, because he cannot be endured; secondly, because I cherish a
+fantastic faith in his reformability,--at least if you take him in
+his youth, before he has set.  I believe we fail to cure him either
+because we do not try, or because we dismiss him before we succeed.
+Another great impediment to success in this enterprise is the foolish
+habit of getting wrathful.  An untimely explosion of wrath will
+generally blow a sensitive Hamal's wits quite out of his own reach,
+and of course, out of yours; or, if he is of the stolid sort, he will
+set it down as a phenomenon incidental to sahebs, but without any
+bearing on the matter in hand, and he will go on as before.  Besides,
+a state of indignation is very detrimental to your own command of the
+language, and if you could in cold blood take your "Forbes" and study
+some of the sentences which you fulminated in your ebullitions of
+anger, you would cease to wonder that the subject of them was such an
+idiot.
+
+
+Hum roz roz hookum day,
+Tum roz roz hookum nay,
+Ooswasty lukree--(whack, whack)
+
+
+went home, I have no doubt, but it is the gift of few to be at once
+so luminous and so forcible.  Try handling your Hamal in another way.
+Call him mildly--a mild tone thaws his understanding--and say to him,
+"Look here, my son.  Do you see this gold writing on the backs of
+these books?  For what purpose is it?"  He will reply, "Who knows?"
+Then you can proceed, "That writing is the mark by which you may know
+the head of any book.  Now consider, should a book stand on its
+head?"  If he replies, "How should a book stand on its head?" then
+you are getting access to his intelligence, and may lead him on
+gradually to the conclusion that, whenever he puts a book into the
+shelves, he should make it stand so that the writing on the back of
+it may be uppermost.  I tell you he will beam with intelligence, and
+rise earlier next morning to put his new learning into practice.
+After a few days he will forget and relapse into his old ways, but
+you must have patience.
+
+After all, I think we could put up with the Hamal if only he would
+not try to think.  This is his crowning vice.  In vain I try to
+impress upon him that I engaged him to obey orders, and would rather
+do the thinking myself.  Every now and then, at some particular phase
+of the moon, he sets his intellect in operations and the consequences
+are, as the Brahmin boy described the result of his examination,
+"appalling."  It was our Hamal's duty to fill the filter, and at a
+time when the water was very bad, orders were given that it should be
+boiled before being filtered.  One day, my wife saw the Hamal in the
+act of filling the filter, and it occurred to her to warn him to let
+the water cool first, lest he might crack the filter.  "Oh yes," said
+he, "I thought of that.  After boiling the water, I cool it down by
+mixing an equal quantity of cold water with it, and then I put it
+into the filter."
+
+In Bombay, since hard times set in, the offices of Hamal and mussaul
+have got a little mixed, and a man will show you characters
+testifying that he has served in both capacities.  Such a man is,
+properly speaking, simply a mussaul who has tried to do the Hamal's
+work.  The cleaner of furniture and the lighter of lamps and washer
+of plates and dishes cannot change places or be combined.  I have
+read that the making of one English pin employs nine men, but it is a
+vain boast.  The rudiments of division of labour are not understood
+in Europe.  In this country every trade is a breed.  Rama is by birth
+a cleaner of furniture.  This kind of employment came into the
+country with our rule, so that the domestic Hamal, who is an offshoot
+of the palkee hamal, or "bearer," has not had time to become what
+fanciers would call a permanent strain, and you will find that you
+can convert Rama into a chupprasse, a malee, or even a ghorawalla,
+but into a mussaul never.  He is a shoodra, sprung from the feet of
+Brahma, and the Brahman, who sprung from the head of the same figure,
+despises him, but not with that depth of contempt with which he
+himself despises the mussaul, who is an outcast, and sprang from
+nowhere in particular.  He cannot conceive that thirty generations of
+washing could purify the descendants of Mukkun so that he might touch
+them and not be unclean.  You, his master, rank theoretically with
+Mukkun, and he will neither touch your meats nor the plate off which
+you have eaten them.  He will keep your house clean, and even perform
+some personal services, for he has a liberal mind, and is there not
+also a toolsee plant in a pot on a kind of earthen altar in front of
+his hut, before which he performs purificatory ceremonies every
+morning?  And does he not bathe after leaving your presence before he
+eats?  If you pass by the clean place where he is about to cook his
+food in the morning, you will see a large pot of water on the fire.
+When this gets warm--for Rama is not a Spartan--he will stand on a
+smooth stone, as sparingly clad as it is possible to be, and pour the
+water on his head, polishing himself vigorously as it runs down his
+limbs; then, after dressing his long hair and tying it in a knot on
+the top of his head, he will sit down to eat, in a place by himself,
+with the feeling that he has warded off defilement from that which
+goeth in at his mouth.  That which goeth out of his mouth gives him
+no concern.
+
+
+
+THE BODY-GUARDS
+
+
+
+Our Chupprassees are the outward expression of our authority, and the
+metre-gauge of our importance.  By them the untutored mind of the
+poor Indian is enabled to estimate the amount of reverence due to
+each of us.  This is the first purpose for which we are provided with
+Chupprassees.  The second is that they may deliver our commands, post
+our letters, and escort the coming generation of Government servants
+in their little perambulators.  As the number required for the first
+purpose usually far exceeds the number required for the second, there
+is danger of Satan finding mischief for their idle hands to do, and
+it becomes our duty to ward off this danger by occupying their hands
+with something which is not mischief.  This we do faithfully, and the
+Chupprassee always reminds me of those tools we see advertised, which
+combine hammer, pincers, turnscrew, chisel, foot-rule, hatchet, file,
+toothpick, and life preserver.  Mrs. Smart bewailed the bygone day
+when every servant in her house was a Government Chupprassee except
+the khansamah and a Portuguese ayah.  I did not live in that day, but
+in my own I have seen the Chupprassee discharge many functions.  He
+is an expert shikaree, sometimes a good tailor or barber, not a bad
+cook at a pinch, a handy table boy, and, above all an unequalled
+child's servant.  There can be little doubt, it the truth were told,
+that Little Henry's bearer was a Chupprassee.  He also milks the cow,
+waters the garden, catches butterflies, skins birds, blows eggs, and
+runs after tennis balls.  If you ask himself what his duties are, he
+will reply promptly that it is his duty to wear the sircar's belt and
+to "be present."  And the camel is not more wonderfully fitted for
+the desert than is Luxumon for the discharge of these solemn
+responsibilities.  He is like a carriage clock, able to sleep in any
+conceivable position; and such is his mental constitution that, when
+not sleeping, he is able to "be present" hour after hour without
+feeling any desire for change of occupation.  Ennui never troubles
+him, time never hangs heavy on his hands; he sits as patiently as a
+cow and chews the cud of pan suparee, and he bespatters the walls
+with a sanguinary pigment produced by the mastication of the same.
+He needs no food, but he goes out to drink water thirty-five times a
+day, and, when he returns refreshed, a certain acrid odour penetrates
+every crevice of the house, almost dislodging the rats and
+exterminating the lesser vermin.  To liken it to the smell of tobacco
+would give civilized mankind a claim against me for defamation of
+character.
+
+I will sketch my ideal of a model Chupprassee.  He is a follower of
+the Prophet, for your Gentoo has too many superstitions and scruples
+to be generally useful.  He parts his short black beard in the middle
+and brushes it up his cheek on either side, the ends of his moustache
+are trimly curled, he wears his turban a little on one side, carries
+himself like a soldier, and is always scrupulously clean.  He comes
+into your presence with a salutation which expresses his own dignity,
+while it respects yours.  He wishes to know whether the protector of
+the poor has any commands for his slave.  When you intimate your
+wishes he responds with a formula which is the same for all
+occasions--"Your Lordship's commands shall be executed."  And they
+are executed.  If he knows of difficulties or impossibilities, he
+keeps them to himself.  Alas! this is an ideal, how antipodal
+sometimes to the real!  I am thinking of the gigantic Sheikh Mahomed,
+with his terrible beard and womanly voice, who would convey my
+commands to a menial of lower degree and return in five minutes to
+detail the objections which that person had raised.  Another type of
+Mahomedan Chupprassee, whom we see is to abhor, expresses his opinion
+of himself by letting half a yard of rag hang down from his turban
+behind.  He calls himself a Syed and, perhaps, on account of the
+sanctity implied in this, forbears to wash himself or his clothes.
+This man is clever, officious, familiar, servile, and very fond of
+the position of umbrella-bearer in ordinary to your person:
+therefore, transfer him to the personal staff of some native
+dignitary, where he will be appreciated.  If my model does not suit
+you, there are many types to choose from.  We have the lofty and
+sonorous Purdaisee, the Rajpoot, son of kings, the Bhundaree, or
+hereditary climber of palm trees, the Israelite, the low caste,
+useful, intelligent Mahar, and many more.  Even the Brahmin in this
+iron age becomes a Chupprassee.  But three-fourths of all our belted
+satellites come from one little district south of Bombay, known to
+our fathers as Rutnagherry, re-christened Ratnagiri by the Hon. W. W.
+Hunter, C.I.E., A.B.C., D.E.F., etc.  Every country has its own
+special products; the Malabar Coast sends us cocoanuts and pepper;
+artichokes come from Jerusalem; ducks, lace, cooks, and fiddlers from
+Goa.  So Rutnagherry produces pineapples and Mahrattas, and the
+Mahrattas do not eat the pineapples.  Till quite recently they
+employed themselves exterminating each other, burning each other's
+villages and crops, and inventing new ways of torturing old men to
+make them confess where their money was buried.  We have stopped
+these practices without stopping the religious arrangements for
+keeping up the supply of the race; so the Mahratta marries, as in
+duty bound, and multiplies, and then casts about for some way of
+maintaining his growing family; and our Chupprassee system, looked at
+politically, is a grand escape pipe.  Pandurang Huree gives the
+Mahrattas the palm, as liars, over all the other races of India.  He
+may be right, but where excellence is so universal, comparison
+becomes doubly odious.  Some Mahrattas put rao after their names and
+treat themselves with much respect, especially if they can grow a
+little island of whisker on each cheek and run the moustache into it.
+These men differ from common Mahrattas in the same way as Mr.
+Wilberforce Jones, or Mr. Palmerston Smith, differs from the ordinary
+run of Joneses and Smiths.
+
+How uniformly does ambition rule us all!  The young rao, fired by the
+hope of wearing a belt, makes a bold resolve to leave his father and
+mother, his wife and children, his brothers, their wives and
+children, his uncles, aunts, and cousins, and the little hut in which
+they have all lived so happily since he was a little, naked, crawling
+thing, dressed in a silver rupee.  He looks for the last time on the
+buffalo and the lame pariah dog, ties up his cooking pots and a
+change of raiment in a red handkerchief, and starts on foot, amid the
+howling of females, for the great town, a hundred miles away, where
+the brother-in-law of his cousin's wife's uncle is on the personal
+staff of the Collector.  He fears that the water of the place may not
+suit his constitution, but he risks that and other unknown perils.
+Arriving at his destination, he works his interest by quartering
+himself on his influential connection, who, finding that an extra
+seer of rice has to be boiled for every meal, leaves no stone
+unturned to find employment for him.  First a written petition is
+drawn up by the local petition writer, in the following terms "Most
+Honoured and Respected Sir,--Although I am conscious that my present
+step will apparently be deemed an unjustifiable and unpardonable one,
+tantamounting to a preposterous hardihood in presuming to trespass
+(amidst your multifarious vocations) on your valuable time, yet
+placing implicit reliance on your noble nature and magnanimity of
+heart, I venture to do so, and ardently trust you will pardon me.
+Learning that a vacancy of a sepoy has occurred under your kind
+auspices, I beg most respectfully to tender my services for the same,
+and crave your permission to invite your benign attention to the
+episodes of my chequered life, though of a doleful and sombre nature,
+and CONCATENATION of melancholy events that have made their
+visitations.  My eldest brother died one year since, leaving an
+heritage of a relict and two female issues to bemoan and lament his
+premature and irreparable loss.  And two months since my revered
+parent paid debt of nature, at 2 p.m. on 15th February, A.D. 18--,
+thus leaving the entire burden of 13 (thirteen) souls on my
+individual shoulders, which, in my present and forlorn
+circumferences, I am unable to cope with.  I, therefore, throw myself
+on your benevolent clemency and humane consideration, and implore you
+to confer the vacancy in question which will enable me to meet the
+daily unavoidable returning requisites of domestic life in all their
+varied ramifications, and relieve a famishing family from the jaws of
+penury and privation.  By thus delivering me from an impending
+impossibility most prejudicial to my purse resources, you will confer
+on your humble servant a boon which will be always vivid on the
+tablet of my breast, never to be effaced until the period that I am
+sojurning on the stage of this sublunary world's theatre."  The
+petition goes on to explain that all the unhappy petitioner's efforts
+to earn an honest livelihood by the perspiration of his brow have
+been frustrated owing to the sins committed by his soul in a former
+birth, and ends with religious reflections and prayers.  While this
+is presented to the Collector, the candidate stands under a tree at
+some distance and rehearses, with palpitating heart, the salaam he
+will make if admitted to the august presence.  Life and death seem to
+hang on the impression which may be produced by that salaam.  But the
+cousin's wife's uncle's brother-in-law sets other machinery in
+motion.  He humbles himself and makes up an old quarrel with the
+Naik; he flatters the butler till that great man is pleased and
+promises his influence; and he wins the Sheristedar's vote by telling
+him earnestly that all the district knows he is virtually the
+Collector and whatever he recommends is done.  Nor is the ayah
+forgotten, for the ayah has access to the madam, and by that route
+certain shameful matters affecting a rival candidate will reach the
+saheb.  Now, supposing that the sins of a former birth fail to
+checkmate all these machinations, and that the new arrival actually
+finds himself swimming in the unfathomed bliss of a belt with a brass
+plate, and a princely income of seven Queen's rupees every month, who
+could foretell that almost before a year has passed he will again be
+floundering in the mire of disappointed ambition?  Yet so it is.  He
+hears of another Chupprassee with only eleven months' service against
+his twelve, who has been promoted to eight rupees, and immediately
+the canker of discontent eats into his heart.  Later on he finds that
+the cup of his happiness will never be quite full until he gets ten
+rupees a month, and when he has reached that giddy height, he will
+see dawning on his horizon the strange and beautiful hope that he may
+be a Naik.  It is a desperate ambition--
+
+
+"He who ascends to mountain tops shall find
+The highest peaks most wrapped in clouds and snow;
+He who surpasses or subdues mankind
+Must look down on the hate of those below."
+
+
+Subordinate Chupprassees will slight his authority, his fellow Naiks
+will disparage him, disappointed rivals will send in anonymous
+petitions accusing him of all manner of villanies of which he is not
+guilty, and, worse still, revealing the little briberies and
+oppressions of which he is not innocent.  But who of us learns wisdom
+in these matters?  The Naik soon comes to feel that if justice were
+done to merit, he would be a Havildar.  After he has attained that
+proud distinction, he retires to "husband out life's taper at its
+close" in the same old hut, amidst the same conglomerate of
+relations, but nephews and nieces, and grandchildren have taken the
+place of uncles and aunts and parents.  The buffalo and the pariah
+dog are apparently the same.  Then the whole range of official
+machinery is put in motion to reward his long and faithful services,
+and the Governor in Council grants him the maximum pension of four
+rupees a month, subject to the approval of the Viceroy, and he spends
+his few remaining days in gratitude to the Sircar.  But one thing
+rankles in his mind.  Babajee, not nearly so good-looking a fellow as
+himself, rose to be a Jemadar.
+
+Ambition has, however, another more golden career for an enterprising
+and ingenious Chupprassee; for is he not the portal through which the
+humble petitioner may have access to the Collector, whose smile is
+prosperity and his frown destruction?  And must not the hinges of the
+portal be oiled that they may open smoothly?  Therefore, the
+inimitable Sir Ali Baba made a point of dismissing a Chupprassee
+whenever he began to grow fat, and he was wise, but in applying the
+rule you must have regard to the man's rank.  The belt of an ordinary
+peon may range from twenty to thirty inches according to length of
+service, promotion to a Naik's position will add about three inches,
+a Havildar will run to thirty-six or thirty-seven, and a Jemadar must
+have something crabbed in his disposition if he does not attain to
+forty-two inches.  These are normal measurements,--they consistent
+with strict integrity as understood in the East.  By the blessing of
+good temper and an easy life they may be slightly exceeded, but the
+itching palm brings on a kind of dropsy easily recognisable to the
+practised eye.  I have seen an unjust Jemadar who might have walked
+with Sir John Falstaff.
+
+
+Falstaff:  My honest lads, I will tell you what I am about.
+
+Pistol:  Two yards, and more.
+
+
+
+THAT DHOBIE!
+
+
+
+I am an amateur philosopher and amuse myself detecting essence
+beneath semblance and tracing the same principle running through
+things the outward aspect of which is widely different.  I have
+studied the Dhobie in this spirit and find him to be nothing else
+than an example of the abnormal development, under favourable
+conditions, of a disposition which is not only common to humanity,
+but pervades the whole animal kingdom.  A puppy rending slippers, a
+child tearing up its picture books, a mungoose killing twenty
+chickens to feed on one, a freethinker demolishing ancient
+superstitions, what are they all but Dhobies in embryo?  Destruction
+is so much easier than construction, and so much more rapid and
+abundant in its visible results, that the devastator feels a jubilant
+joy in his work, of which the tardy builder knows nothing.  As the
+lightning scorns the oak, as the fire triumphs over the venerable
+pile, as the swollen river scoffs at the P. W. D., while arch after
+arch tumbles into its gurgling whirlpools, so the Dhobie, dashing
+your cambric and fine linen against the stones, shattering a button,
+fraying a hem, or rending a seam at every stroke, feels a triumphant
+contempt for the miserable creature whose plodding needle and thread
+put the garment together.  This feeling is the germ from which the
+Dhobie has grown.  Day after day he has stood before that great black
+stone and wreaked his rage upon shirt and trowser and coat, and coat
+and trowser and shirt.  Then he has wrung them as if he were wringing
+the necks of poultry, and fixed them on his drying line with thorns
+and spikes, and finally he has taken the battered garments to his
+torture chamber and ploughed them with his iron, longwise and
+crosswise and slantwise, and dropped glowing cinders on their
+tenderest places.  Son has followed father through countless
+generations in cultivating this passion for destruction, until it has
+become the monstrous growth which we see and shudder at in the
+Dhobie.
+
+But I find in him, at least, an illustration of another human
+infirmity.  He takes in hand to eradicate the dirt which defiles the
+garment.  But the one is closely mingled with the very fibres of the
+other, the one is impalpable, the other bulky and substantial, and so
+the torrent of his zealous rage unconsciously turns against the very
+substance of that which he set himself lovingly to purge and restore
+to its primitive purity.  Indeed, I sometimes find that, while he has
+successfully wrecked the garment, he has overlooked the dirt!
+Greater and better men than the Dhobie are employed in the same way.
+
+Such are the consolations of philosophy,
+
+
+"But there was never yet philosopher
+Who could endure the toothache patiently,"
+
+
+much less the Dhobie.  He is not tolerable.  Submit to him we must,
+since resistance is futile; but his craven spirit makes submission
+difficult and resignation impossible.  If he had the soul of a
+conqueror, if he wasted you like Attilla, if he flung his iron into
+the clothes-basket and cried Vae victis, then a feeling of respect
+would soften the bitterness of the conquered; but he conceals his
+ravages like the white ant, and you are betrayed in the hour of need.
+When he comes in, limping and groaning under his stupendous bundle,
+and lays out khamees, pyatloon, and pjama, all so fair and decently
+folded, and delivers them by tale in a voice whose monotonous cadence
+seems to tell of some undercurrent of perennial sorrow in his life,
+who could guess what horrors his perfidious heart is privy to?  Next
+morning, when you spring from your tub and shake out the great jail
+towel which is to wrap your shivering person in its warm folds, lo!
+it yawns from end to end.  There is nothing but a border, a fringe,
+left.  You fling on your clothes in unusual haste, for it is mail day
+morning.  The most indispensible of them all has scarcely a remnant
+of a button remaining.  You snatch up another which seems in better
+condition, and scramble into it; but, in the course of the day, a
+cold current of wind, penetrating where it ought not, makes you aware
+of what your friends behind your back have noticed for some time,
+viz., that the starch with which a gaping rent had been carefully
+gummed together, that you might not see it, has melted and given way.
+The thought of these things makes a man feel like Vesuvius on the eve
+of an eruption; but you must wait for relief till Dhobie day next
+week, and then the poltroon has stayed at home, and sent his brother
+to report that he is suffering from a severe stomachache.  When the
+miscreant makes his next appearance in person, he stands on one leg,
+with joined palms and a piteous bleat, and pleads an alibi.  He was
+absent about the marriage of a relation, and his brother washed the
+clothes.  So your lava falls back into its crater, or, I am afraid,
+more often overflows the surrounding country.
+
+My theory of the Dhobie is a mere speculation, a hypothesis deduced
+from broad, general principles.  I do not pretend to have established
+it by scientific observation, and am very tolerant towards other
+theories, especially one which is supported by many competent
+authorities, and explains the Dhobie by supposing a league between
+him, the dirzee and the Boy.  I think a close investigation into the
+natural history of the shirt would go far to establish this theory as
+at least partially true.  In spite of the spread of "Europe" shops,
+the shirt is still abundantly produced from the vernacular dirzee
+sitting crossed-legged in the verandah, and each shirt will be found
+to furnish him, on the average, with about a week's lucrative
+employment.  From his hands it passes to the Dhobie and returns with
+the buttons wanting, the buttonholes widened to great gaping fish-
+mouths, and the hems of the cuffs slightly frayed.  The last is the
+most significant fact, because it leads to the discovery of one of
+those delicate adaptations which the student of nature has so often
+occasion to admire; for, on examination, we discover that the hem had
+been made with the least possible margin of cloth, as if to
+facilitate the process of fraying.  As we know that economy of
+material is not an object with the dirzee, it has been maintained
+that there is some connection here.  Next the shirt passes into the
+hands of the Boy, who takes his scissors and carefully pares the
+ragged edges of the cuffs and collar.  A few rotations of Dhobie and
+Boy reduce the cuffs to the breadth of an inch, while the collar
+becomes a circular saw which threatens to take your head off.  Then
+you fling the shirt to your Boy, and the dirzee is in requisition
+again.  Observation of white trousers will lead to similar results.
+Between Dhobie's fury and Boy's repairs, the ends of the legs retreat
+steadily upwards to your knees, and by the time the Boy inherits them
+they are just his length.  Remember, I do not say I believe in this
+explanation of the Dhobie.  I give it for what it is worth.  The
+subject is interesting and practical.
+
+Did you ever open your handkerchief with the suspicion that you had
+got a duster into your pocket by mistake, till the name of De Souza
+blazoned on the corner showed you that you were wearing someone
+else's property?  An accident of this kind reveals a beneficent
+branch of the Dhobie's business, one in which he comes to the relief
+of needy respectability.  Suppose yourself (if you can) to be Mr.
+Lobo, enjoying the position of first violinist in a string band which
+performs at Parsee weddings and on other festive occasions.  Noblesse
+oblige; you cannot evade the necessity for clean shirt-fronts, ill
+able as your precarious income may be to meet it.  In these
+circumstances a Dhobie with good connections is what you require.  He
+finds you in shirts of the best quality at so much an evening, and
+you are saved all risk and outlay of capital; you need keep no
+clothes except a greenish black surtout and pants and an effective
+necktie.  In this way the wealth of the rich helps the want of the
+poor without their feeling it, or knowing it--an excellent
+arrangement.  Sometimes, unfortunately, Mr. Lobo has a few clothes of
+his own, and then, as I have hinted, the Dhobie may exchange them by
+mistake, for he is uneducated and has much to remember; but, if you
+occasionally suffer in this way, you gain in another, for Mr. Lobo's
+family are skilful with the needle, and I have sent a torn garment to
+the washing which returned skilfully repaired.
+
+I suspect I am getting bitter and ironical, and it will be wise to
+stop, for we are fickle creatures, the best of us, and it is quite
+possible that, in the mild twilight of life, in the old country, I
+shall find myself speaking benevolently of the Dhobie, and secretly
+wishing I could hear his plaintive monotone again counting out my
+linen at four rupees a hundred.
+
+
+
+THE AYAH
+
+
+
+I was roaming among the flower-beds and bowers of a "Peri's
+Paradise," known in Bombay as The Ladies Gymkhana, when I was
+startled by a voice like the sound of a passionate cart-wheel
+screaming for grease.  "Lub ob my heart," it cried, "my eshweet,
+don't crei! don't crei!"  The owner of the voice was a woman with a
+negro type of countenance, as far as I remember, but her figure has
+remained with me better than her face.  It was a portly figure, like
+that of a domestic duck in high condition, and her gait was, as Mr.
+Onoocool Chunder Mookerjee would say, "well quadrate" to the figure.
+Engulphed in her voluminous embrace was a little cherub, with golden
+curls and blue eyes dewy with passing tears--a pretty study of
+sunshine and shower.  The great, bare arms of the pachyderm were
+loaded with bangles of silver and glass, which jingled with a warlike
+sound as she hugged her little charge and plastered its pretty cheeks
+with great gurgling kisses, which made one shudder and think
+involuntarily of the "slime which the aspic leaves upon the caves of
+Nile."  Many of us have been Anglo-Indian babies.  Was there a time
+when we suffered caresses such as these?  What a happy thing it is
+that Lethe flows over us as we emerge from infancy, and blots out all
+that was before.  Another question has been stirring in my mind since
+that scene.  What feeling or motive prompted those luscious
+blandishments?  Was it simple hypocrisy?  I do not think so.  The
+pure hypocrite is much rarer than shallow people think, and, in any
+case, there was no inducement to make a display in my presence.  What
+influence could I possibly exercise over the fortunes of that great
+female?  A maternal hippopotamus in the Zoo would as soon think of
+hugging a young giraffe to propitiate the spectators.  Of course you
+may take up the position that the hypocrisy is practised all day
+before her mistress, and that the mere momentum of habit carries it
+on at other times.  This is plausible, but I suspect that such a case
+would rather come under the fundamental law that action and reaction
+are equal and opposite.  Let us be charitable and look for better
+reasons.  The mere milk of human kindness explains something, but not
+enough, and I am inclined to think that the Ayah is the subject of an
+indiscriminate maternal emotion, which runs where it can find a
+channel.  The effect of culture is to specialise our affections and
+remove us further and further from the condition of the hen whose
+philoprogenitiveness embraces all chicks and ducklings; so it may
+well be that the poor Ayah, who has not had much culture, is better
+able than you or I to feel promiscuously parental towards babies in
+general, at least, if she can connect them in any way with herself.
+Towards babies in the care of another Ayah she has no charity; they
+are the brood of a rival hen and she would like to exterminate them.
+Again, we must love and hate, if we live at all.  The Ayah's horizon
+is not wide, her sentiments are neither numerous nor complex, and her
+affections are not trained to lay hold of the abstract or the
+historical.  If you question her, you will find that her heart does
+not bleed for the poor negro, and she is not in the habit of
+regarding the Emperor Caligula with abhorrence.  She has one or two
+brothers or sisters, but they are far away and have become almost as
+historical as Caligula.  In these circumstances, if she could not
+feel motherly towards babies, what feeling would be left to her?
+And, perhaps, if we knew her story, baby has a charm to open up an
+old channel, long since dry and choked with the sands of a desert
+life, in which a gentle stream of tenderness once flowed, with
+"flowerets of Eden" on its banks, and fertilised her poor nature.
+But we do not know her story.  She says her husband is a cook.  More
+about him she does not say, but she hugs "Sunny Baba" to her breast
+and kisses him and says that nothing shall ever part her from him
+till he grows to be a great saheb, with plenty of pay, when he will
+pension her and take care of her in her old age.  And her eyes get
+moist, for she means it more or less; but next day she catches a cold
+and refuses food, saying that all her bones ache and her head is
+revolving; then the horror of dying among strangers, "unhouseled,
+disappointed, unaneled," proves too much for the faithful creature,
+and she disappears without notice, leaving her darling and its mother
+to look out for another Ayah.
+
+It is a fortunate thing for us that the Ayah is able to conceive such
+a devouring passion for our children, for it appears, from her own
+statements, that but for this strong tie, nothing would induce her to
+stay a day in our service where the constant broils with the other
+servants, into which she is driven by her determination to be
+faithful to her own mistress, make life almost unbearable to a
+peaceable woman like her.  The chief object of her righteous
+indignation is the "Bootrail."  She is so reluctant to make any
+personal complaint, that she would pass over his grudging her a
+little sugar in her morning tea, but when he takes away a whole
+cupful for his own children, conscience compels her to tell her
+mistress.  She has often pointed out to him that such conduct is not
+right, and tried to reason with him, but he only insults her.  The
+cook, being a notorious inebriate, plays into the "Bootrail's" hand,
+on condition that the latter will not tell upon him.  Why did master
+send away the dinner last night without touching it?  Because the
+cook was on the floor and the matie had to do the work.  Chh!  Chh!
+Chh!  It is very shameful and makes her feel so bad.  She herself is
+a teetotaler, as her mistress knows.  That night when she was found
+with a pillow in her arms instead of the baby, singing to it and
+patting it to sleep, she had been smoking an English cheroot which a
+friend had given her, and, as she is accustomed only to country
+tobacco, it went to her head and stupefied her.  Nothing would induce
+her to drink spirits, but the other servants are not like her.  The
+mussaul is not a bad man, but the "Bootrail's" example infects him
+too.  He barters the kerosine oil at the petty shop round the corner
+for arrack.  As for the hamal, she is tired of fighting with him.
+From this account of herself you will be able to infer that the Ayah
+is not a favourite with the other servants; but she is powerful, and
+so with oriental prudence they veil their feelings.  The butler
+indeed, tries to be proud and risks ruin, but the mussaul truckles to
+her, and the cook, who can spoil her dinner, and has some control
+over her, trims between her and the butler.  The hamal is
+impracticable, and the chupprassees adhere to the party in power for
+the time being.
+
+The Ayah is the "society" newspaper of small stations, and is
+indispensable.  The barber is the general newsagent, and, as we part
+with our beards in the morning, we learn from him all particulars of
+the dinner at the general's last night, and of the engagement that
+resulted between the pretty Missy Baba and the captain who has been
+so much about the house; also when the marriage is to take place, if
+the captain can get out of his debts, the exact amount of which Old
+Tom knows.  He can tell us, too, the reason why she "jawaubed" him so
+often, being put up to it by her mother in the interests of a rival
+suitor, and he has authentic information as to the real grounds of
+the mother's change of tactics.  But Old Tom is himself dependent on
+Ayahs, and there are matters beyond his range, matters which even in
+an Indian station cannot reach us by any male channel.  They trickle
+from madam to Ayah, from Ayah to Ayah, and from Ayah to madam.  Thus
+they ooze from house to house, and we are all saved from judging our
+neighbours by outward appearances.
+
+That scene in the Ladies' Gymkhana comes back and haunts me.  What if
+the impress of those swarthy lips on that fair cheek are but an
+outward symbol of impressions on a mind still as fair and pure,
+impressions which soap and water will not purge away!  Yes, it is so.
+The Ayah hangs like a black cloud over and around the infant mind,
+and its earliest outlooks on the world are tinted by that medium.  It
+lies with wondering blue eyes watching the coloured toys which she
+dangles before it, and takes in the elements of form and colour.  She
+pats it to sleep, and, on the borders of dream-land, those "sphere-
+born, harmonious sisters, voice and verse," visit it in the form of a
+plaintive ditty, which has for its simple burden,
+
+
+Little, little fish
+In bitter, bitter oil.
+I will not part with one of them for three pice and a half.
+
+
+As its mind expands, new mysteries of the universe unfold themselves
+through the same interpreter.  It learns to see through the
+hollowness of promises and threats before it knows the words in which
+they are framed.  With the knowledge of words comes the knowledge of
+their use as means of concealing the truth and gaining its little
+ends.  Then the painful experience of discipline and punishment
+reveals the same motherly figure in the new light of a protector and
+comforter, and it learns to contrast her with the stern persons whom
+she has taught it to call pa-pa and ma-ma.  When they refuse anything
+on which it has set its childish heart, it knows to whom to go for
+sympathy.  She will console it and teach little artifices, by which
+it may evade or circumvent them.  She supplies discipline of another
+kind, however, and the yet simple trusting mind of the little
+Pantheist lives in terror of papa's red-faced friend with the big
+stomach, who eats up ten or twelve little children every day, and of
+the Borah with the great box full of black ants, in which he shuts up
+naughty boys till the ants pick the flesh from their disobedient
+bones.  When it goes to the bandstand, it gazes from a safe distance
+on the big drum, full of boys and girls who would not let their hair
+be combed:  it hears their groans at every stroke of the terrible
+drumstick.  Thus the religious side of the tender nature is
+developed, and Ayah is the priestess.  Under the same guidance it
+will, as it grows older, tread paths of knowledge which its parents
+never trod.  Whither will they lead it?  We know not who never joined
+in the familiar chat of Ayahs and servants, but imagination "bodies
+forth the forms of things unseen" and shudders.  Let us rejoice that
+a merciful superstition, which regards the climate of India as deadly
+to European children, will step in and save the little soul.  The
+climate would do it no harm, but there is a moral miasma more baneful
+than any which rises from the pestilential swamps of the Terai, or
+the Bombay Flats.
+
+P. S.--I have just taken another look at our present Ayah.  She is a
+little old woman from Goa, with humorous "crow's feet" at the corners
+of her kind eyes.  She is very retiring and modest, and all the
+servants seem fond of her.  It is evident that nature is various, and
+we cannot all be types.
+
+
+
+R. R.  THE PUNDIT
+
+
+
+The Pundit is like duty; his cough rouses us from our beds in the
+morning like the voice of conscience.  Why must we pass examinations?
+Not that we may know the language of the people, for it is matter of
+daily observation, that of all the mysteries which perplex the humble
+mind of the country bumpkin in this land, causing him to scratch his--
+well, not his head--there is none which he gives up as hopeless
+sooner than the strange sounds addressed to him by the young saheb
+who has just passed his higher standard.  He joins his palms in loyal
+acquiescence, and asserts that the gentleman is his father and
+mother.  It was Swift, was it not, who suggested that all high
+offices of state should be filled by lot, because the result would be
+on the whole quite as satisfactory as that obtained by the present
+system, while disappointed candidates would curse Fortune, who has a
+broader back than the Prime Minister.  No doubt examinations were
+introduced on the same sort of principle, to act as a buffer between
+the train of candidates and the engine of Government.  That the
+examination often comes after instead of before the appointment is a
+necessary modification, without which no room would be left for the
+play of those kindly feelings for kith and kin which we bitterly
+nickname nepotism.  Under this arrangement I have known a needy nepos
+of H. E. himself provided with a salary for a whole year, till he
+could hold the examination at bay no longer, when he evacuated his
+position and retreated to his friends.  Whatever the explanation of
+the matter may be, it falls to the lot of most of us to experience
+the Pundit.  I may remark here that he is very commonly called a
+Moonshee, on the same principle on which a horse is not called a cow.
+The Pundit is not a Moonshee.  The Moonshee is a follower of the
+Prophet and teaches Oordoo, or Hindoostanee, while the Pundit is a
+Brahmin and instructs you in Marathee or Gujarathee.  The Moonshee
+struggles to get you to disgorge the sound ghain and leads you
+through the enchanted mazes of the Bagh-o-Bahar; the Pundit
+distinguishes between the kurmunnee and the kurturree prayog, and has
+many knotty points of mythology to expound, in order that you may
+rightly understand his idioms and appreciate his proverbial sayings.
+Of Pundits there are three species, quite distinct from each other.
+The first I would recommend if your object should, by any chance, be
+to learn to speak the language intelligibly; but he knows no English,
+and you must gird yourself to work if you employ him.  This sort of
+teacher does not suit the tastes of the present generation and is
+dying out, I think.  The second kind is invaluable if your purpose is
+to pass an examination.  He knows English well, dresses smartly, and
+is altogether a superior sort of person to the last, especially in
+his own estimation; but appearances are delusive, and the sign that
+really distinguishes him from other Pundits is that he enjoys in a
+high degree the esteem and confidence of a native member of the
+examining body.  Another unfailing characteristic of him is that he
+requires a monstrous monthly stipend and the promise of a handsome
+douceur if you pass; but then you have the satisfaction of knowing
+that, if you fulfil the conditions, that happy result is certain.
+His system leaves no room for failure.  Some people regard this man
+as a myth, but I have had authentic accounts of him from numerous
+young gentlemen who had failed in their examinations simply, as they
+themselves assured me, because they did not employ him.  The third
+class consists of young men, aspirants to University honours and
+others, with some knowledge of English and a laudable desire to
+improve it by conversation with Englishmen.  I do not know for what
+purpose this sort of Pundit is useful.
+
+Old Ragunath Rao belonged to the first of these three classes.  He
+knew no English, and he desired to know none, neither English words
+nor English thoughts.  He was an undiluted Brahmin.  He had taught a
+former generation of Anglo-Indians, long since retired, or in their
+graves, and one or two of these, who were very religious men, had
+impressed him by their characters so deeply that he always spoke of
+them with reverence, as not men but divinities.  The tide had ebbed
+away from him, and no one employed him now:  he was very poor.  His
+face was heavy, his ears like beef-steaks, with a fringe of long
+bristles round the edge and a bushy tuft of the same sprouting from
+the inside.  His features were not pleasing, but strongly expressive
+of character, stubborn Hindoo character, self-disciplined, self-
+satisfied, and in a set attitude of defence against the invasions of
+novelty.  His athletic intellect was exercised in all manner of
+curious questions.  The only matter about which it never concerned
+itself was reality, the existence of which he probably doubted.  At
+any rate, he considered truth, right, wrong, to be subjects for
+speculative philosophy.  As a practical man, he had minutely
+acquainted himself with all the things that behoved to be believed by
+an orthodox Brahmin, and he was not the man to give way to mere
+facts.  This frame of mind begot in him a large tolerance, for what
+possible connection could there be between what it became him to
+believe and what it became you to believe?  If his son had turned a
+Christian, he could have swung him from a tree by his thumbs and toes
+and flagellated him from below with acute pleasure; but if you
+expounded Christian doctrines and morals to him, he would listen with
+profound admiration.  A Christian who lived up to his creed he
+respected unfeignedly.  Strange old man! like one of his own idols,
+not modelled upon anything that is in heaven or on earth.  Are they
+not, he and the idol, the fruit of the same tree?
+
+What memories rise out of their graves at the mention of old
+Ragunath!  Just about a quarter of an hour after his time he comes
+slowly up the steps, panting for breath, and leaving his shoes at the
+door, walks in with a quasi courtly salutation.  As soon as he can
+recover his voice, he tells of a hair-breadth escape from sudden
+death.  As he was crossing the road, a carriage and pair bore down on
+him.  He stood petrified with terror, not knowing whether to hurry
+forward or turn back, but just as the horses were upon him, he made a
+frantic effort and gained the side-walk!  He infers that his time to
+die had not arrived, and takes the occasion to impart some
+information about the planets and their influence on human destinies.
+Then we seat ourselves, and he takes my exercise (translation from
+Grant Duff), and reads it slowly in a muffled voice, which is forced
+to make its exit by the nose, the mouth being occupied with cardamoms
+or betel nut.  As he reads he corrects with a pencil, but gives no
+explanation of his corrections; for you must not expect him to teach:
+he is a mine simply, in which you must dig for what you want.  One
+thing you may depend on, that whatever you extract from that mine
+will be worth having, indigenous treasure, current wherever Hindoo
+thought is moving, very different from the foreign-flavoured pabulum
+with which your English smattering instructor charges his feeding
+bottle.  The exercise gives Ragunath an opportunity of digressing
+into some traditional incident of Maratha history which escaped the
+researches of Mr. Grant Duff, an incident generally in which Maratha
+cunning (sagacity he calls it) triumphed over English stupidity.
+After the exercise comes the inevitable petition.  I do not remember
+the subject of it--some grievance no doubt connected with hereditary
+rights in land--but it matters little; the whole document might as
+well be a Moabite stone recording the wars of Mesha with Jehoram, for
+not a letter of it stands out recognisable to my eyes.  Indeed, no
+letter, or word either, stands out at all; the scribe seems never to
+have lifted his pen from his paper except for ink, and that generally
+in the middle of a word.  However, Ragunath takes the greasy paper
+from my hand, remarks that the handwriting is good, and starts off
+reading it, or, I should say, intoning it, on exactly the same
+principle, viz., never pausing except for breath, and that generally
+in the middle of a word.  Then we read together the "Garland of
+Pearls," which he illuminates with notes of his own.  Speaking of old
+age, he remarks that the hair of some men ripens sooner than that of
+others, but that our heads must all grow grey as our brains get thin.
+He discourses on anatomy, food, digestion, the advisability of lying
+down on the left side for twenty minutes after meals, and on many
+things in heaven and earth which are not dreamed of in our
+philosophy.  As the morning wears on, the old man, who is not
+accustomed to sitting on chairs, begins to fidget, and shows signs of
+a desire to gather up his feet into the seat and nurse them.  At last
+drowsiness overtakes him.  His eyes are open, but his mind is asleep,
+and I may do as I please with grammar and idiom:  even when I yawn,
+he omits to snap his fingers and lets the devil skip down my throat.
+When he awakes he suggests that it is time to stop, and asks leave
+for the next day, as he has to renew his sacred thread.  Poor old
+Ragunath!  I fear he has gone long since to the burning ground on the
+banks of the Moota Moola.
+
+Before we part let me give you a hint.  Always keep a separate chair
+for your Pundit, one isolated on glass legs, if possible.  Even this
+does not afford complete security, for he now and then detects one of
+the many insects which you have watched coursing up and down his
+white scarf, and picking it off with his finger and thumb, puts it on
+the floor.  His creed forbids him to take the life of anything which
+may possibly be the corporeal habitation of the spirit of one of his
+deceased ancestors, but these little insects irritate him, so he
+deports them as we do our loafers.
+
+
+
+HURREE, THE DIRZEE
+
+
+
+A warm altercation is going on in the verandah.  A little human
+animal, with a very large red turban on his little head, stuck full
+of pins and threaded needles, stands on all fours over a garment of
+an unmentionable kind, which I recognise as belonging to me, and a
+piece of cloth lies before him, out of which he has cut a figure
+resembling the said garment.  The scissors with which the operation
+was performed are still lying open upon the ground before him.  His
+head is thrown so far back that the great turban rests between his
+shoulder blades, his brow is corrugated with perplexity, his mouth a
+little open, as if his lower jaw could not quite follow the rest of
+his upturned face.  Hurree cannot know much about toothache.  What
+would I not give for that set of incisors, regular as the teeth of a
+saw, and all as red as a fresh brick!  I suppose the current quid of
+pan suparee is temporarily stowed away under that swelling in the
+left cheek, where the fierce black patch of whisker grows.  The
+survival of a partial cheek pouch in some branches of the human race
+is a point that escaped Darwin.  But I am digressing into
+reflections.  To return:  a lady is standing over the quadruped and
+evidently expressing serious displeasure in some form of that
+domestic language which we call Hindoostanee, with variations.  The
+charge she lays against him seems to be that he has, in disregard of
+explicit instructions and defiance of common sense, made a blunder to
+which her whole past experience in India furnishes no parallel, and
+which has resulted in the total destruction of a whole piece of
+costly material, and the wreck of a garment for want of which the
+saheb (that is myself) will be put to a degree of inconvenience which
+cannot be estimated in rupees, and will most certainly be provoked to
+an outbreak of indignation too terrible to be described.  So little
+do we know ourselves!  I had no idea I harboured such a temper.
+However, Hurree does not tremble, but pleads that it was necessary to
+make the garment "leetle silope," and though he admits that the slope
+is too great, he thinks the mistake can be remedied, and is pulling
+the cloth to see if it will not stretch to the required shape.
+Failing this, he has other remedies of a technical kind to suggest.
+I do not understand these matters, and cannot interpret his argument,
+but he puts his fingers on the floor and flings himself lightly to
+the other side of the cloth, to point out where he proposes to have a
+"fals hame," or some other device.  She rejects the proposal with
+scorn, and again impresses him with the consequences of his wicked
+blunder.  At last I am glad to see that a compromise is effected, and
+the little man settles himself in the middle of a small carpet and
+locks his legs together so that his shins form an X and he sits on
+his feet.  In this position he will ply his needle for the rest of
+the day at a rate inversely proportional to the distance of his
+mistress.  When she retires for her afternoon siesta the needle will
+nap too.  Then he will take out a little Vade Mecum, which is never
+absent from his waistband, and unroll it.  It is many-coloured and
+contains little pockets, one for fragments of the spicy areca, one
+for the small tin box which contains fresh lime, one for cloves, one
+for cardamoms, and so on.  He will put a little of this and a little
+of that into his palm, then roll them all up in a betel leaf out of
+another pocket, and push the parcel into his mouth.  Thus refreshed
+he will go to work again, not, however, upon the garment to which he
+is now devoted, but upon a roll of coloured stuffs on which he is at
+the present moment sitting.  You see, times are hard and Hurree has a
+large family, so he is obliged to eke out his salary by contract work
+for the mussaul.  His work suffers from other interruptions.  When
+the carriage of a visitor is heard, he has to awaken the chupprassee
+on duty at the door, and on his own account he goes out to drink
+water at least as often as the chupprassee himself.  As the day draws
+near its close, he watches the shadow like a hireling, and when it
+touches the foot of the long arm chair, he springs to his feet, rolls
+up his rags and threads into a bundle, and trips gaily out.  As he
+does so you will observe that his legs are bandy, the knees refusing
+to approach each other.  This is the result of the position in which
+he spends his days.
+
+This is how we clothe ourselves in our Indian empire.  Our smooth and
+comfortable khakee suits, our ample pyjamas, the cool white jackets
+in which we dine, in this way are they brought about.  But you must
+not allow yourself to think of the Dirzee simply as an agency for
+producing clothes.  Life is not made up of such simplicities.  The
+raison d'etre of that mango tree lies without doubt in the chalice of
+nectar, called "mango fool," with which Domingo appeases me when he
+guesses that his enormities have gone beyond the limits even of my
+endurance; but I see that thirty-seven candidates for the place of
+the chupprassee who went on leave yesterday have encamped under its
+shade, that they may watch for my face in the verandah.  The
+trespassing goat also has browsed on its leaves, and from the shelter
+of its branches the Magpie Robin pours that stream of song which,
+just before the dawning of the day, in the cloudy border land between
+sleeping and waking flows over my soul.  But I shall never really
+know the place that tree has filled in my life, unless someone cuts
+it down and gives me a full view, from my easy chair, of the dirty
+brick-burners' hut, with the poisonous film of blue smoke playing
+over the kiln, and the family of pariah puppies below, sporting with
+the sun-dried remains of a fowl, which deceased in my yard and was
+purloined by their gaunt mother.  Now let imagination blot out the
+Dirzee.  Remove him from the verandah.  Take up his carpet and sweep
+away the litter.  What a strange void there is in the place!
+Eliminate him from a lady's day.  Let nine o'clock strike, but bring
+no stealthy footstep to the door, no muffled voice making respectful
+application for his Kam.  From nine to ten breakfast will fill the
+breach, and you may allow another hour for the butler's account and
+the godown; but there is still a yawning chasm of at least two hours
+between eleven and tiffin.  I cannot bridge it.  Imagination strikes
+work.  The joyful sound of the Borah's voice brings promise of
+relief; but no! for what interest can there be in the Borah if you
+have no Dirzee?  In the spirit of fair play, however, I must mention
+that my wife does not endorse all this.  On the contrary, she tells
+me (she has a terse way of speaking) that it is "rank bosh."  She
+declares that the Dirzee is the bane of her life, that he is worse
+than a fly, that she cannot sit down to the piano for five minutes
+but he comes buzzing round for black thread, or white thread, or
+mother-o-pearl buttons, or hooks and eyes, that every evening for the
+last month he has watched her getting ready for to drive, and just as
+her foot was on the carriage step, has reminded her, with a cough,
+that his work was finished and he had nothing to do.  If she could
+only do without him, she would send him about his business and be the
+happiest woman in the world, for she could devote the whole day to
+music and painting and the improvement of her mind.  Of course I
+assent.  That is a very commendable way of thinking about the matter.
+But, as an amateur philosopher, I warn you never to let yourself get
+under practical bondage to such notions.  I tell you when you betake
+yourself to music or painting, carpentry or gardening, as a means of
+getting through the day, you are sapping your mental constitution and
+shortening your life:  unless you are sustained by more than ordinary
+littleness of mind you will never see threescore and ten.  All these
+things are good in proportion as you have difficulty in finding time
+for them.  When you have to rise early in the morning and work hard
+to make a little leisure for your favourite hobby, then you are
+getting its blessing.  Now, the Dirzee is not a means of killing
+time.  On the contrary, I see that he compels his mistress to take
+thought how she may save time alive, if she wishes to get anything
+done.  He hurries the day along and scatters its hours, so that ennui
+cannot find an empty minute to lurk in.  I do not deny that he is the
+occasion of a few provocations, and the simile of the fly is just;
+but are not provocations an element in the interest of every pursuit,
+the pepper which flavours all pleasant occupation?  I collect
+butterflies, and my friends think I am a man to be envied because I
+have such a taste.  Do they suppose a butterfly catcher has no
+provocations?  Was it seventeen or seventy times (I forget) in one
+page that I laid down my pen, put off my spectacles and caught up my
+net to rush after that brute of a Papilio polymnestor, who just came
+to the duranta flowers to flout me and skip over the wall into the
+next garden?  And does anyone but a butterfly hunter know how it
+feels to open your cabinet drawers just a few hours after the ants
+have got the news that the camphor is done?  Does anyone but an
+entomologist know the grub of Dermestes intolerabilis?  Why should a
+collection of butterflies be called an object of perennial interest
+and delight, and the Dirzee an unmitigated provocation?  They are
+both of one family.  Nothing is unmitigated in this world.
+
+Maria Graham tells us that in her time "the Dirdjees, or tailors, in
+Bombay" were "Hindoos of respectable caste," but in these days the
+Goanese, who has not capacity to be a butler or cook, becomes a
+Dirzee, and in Bombay I have seen Bunniah Dirzees.  Hurree can hold
+his own against these, I doubt not, but the advancing tide of
+civilization is surely crumbling down his foundations.  It is not
+only the "Europe" shop in Bombay that takes the bread out of his
+month, but in the smallest and most remote stations, Narayen,
+"Tailor, Outfitter, Milliner, and Dressmaker," hangs out his sign-
+board, and under it pale, consumptive youths of the Shimpee caste
+bend over their work by lamplight, and sing the song of the shirt to
+the whirr-rr-rr of sewing machines.  And as Hurree goes by on his way
+home, his prophetic soul tells him that his son will not live the
+happy and independent life which has fallen to his lot.  But he has a
+bulwark still in the dhobie, for the "Tailor and Outfitter" will not
+repair frayed cuffs, and the sewing machine cannot put on buttons.
+And Hurree is not ungrateful, for I observe that, when the dhobie
+delivers up your clothes in a state which requires the Dirzee, the
+Dirzee always gives them back in a condition which demands the
+dhobie.
+
+
+
+THE MALEE
+
+
+
+"Another custom is their sitting always on the ground with their
+knees up to their chins, which I know not how to account for."--
+Daniel Johnson
+
+I have been watching Thomas Otway, gardener.  His coat hangs on a
+tree hard by, and he, standing in his shirt sleeves, is slaughtering
+regiments of weeds with a long hoe.  When they are all uprooted and
+prostrate, he changes his weapon for a fork, with which he tosses
+them about and shakes them free of soil and gathers them into heaps.
+Then he brings a wheel-barrow, and, piling them into it until it can
+hold no more, goes off at a trot.  I am told his only fault is that
+he is SLOW.
+
+I have also stood watching Peelajee.  He, too, is a gardener, called
+by his own people a Malee, and by us, familiarly, a Molly.  He sits
+in an attitude not easy to describe, but familiar to all who have
+resided in the otiose East.  You will get at it by sitting on your
+own heels and putting your knees into your armpits.  In this position
+Peelajee can spend the day with much comfort, which is a wonderful
+provision of nature.  At the present moment he also is engaged in the
+operation of weeding.  In his right hand is a small species of sickle
+called a koorpee, with which he investigates the root of each weed as
+a snipe feels in the mud for worms; then with his left hand he pulls
+it out, gently shakes the earth off it, and contributes it to a small
+heap beside him.  When he has cleared a little space round him, he
+moves on like a toad, without lifting himself.  He enlivens his toil
+by exchanging remarks upon the weather as affecting the price of
+grain, the infirmity of my temper and other topics of personal
+interest, with an assistant, whom he persuaded me to engage by the
+day, pleading the laborious nature of this work of weeding.  When two
+or three square yards have been cleared, they both go away, and
+return in half an hour with a very small basket, which one holds
+while the other fills it with the weeds.  Then the assistant balances
+it on his head, and sets out at one mile an hour for the garden gate,
+where he empties it on the roadside.  Then he returns at the same
+rate, with the empty basket on his head, to Peelajee, who is occupied
+sitting waiting for him.
+
+It is clear that there may be two ways of doing the same thing.  I
+have no doubt there is much to be said for both, but, upon the whole,
+the advantage seems to lie with the Malee.  Otway does as much work
+in a day as Peelajee does in a week.  But why should a day be better
+than a week?  If you turn the thing round, and look at the other side
+of it, you will find that Otway costs three shillings a day and
+Peelajee two rupees a week.  So, if you are in a hurry, you can
+employ half a dozen Peelajees, and feel that you are making six
+families in the world happy instead of only one.  And I am sure the
+calm and peaceful air of Peelajee, as he moves about the garden, must
+be good for the soul and promote longevity.  I hate bustle, and I can
+vouch for Peelajee that he never bustles.  However, there is no need
+of odious comparisons.  There is a time for everything under the sun,
+and a place.  Here, in India, we have need of Peelajee.  He is a
+necessary part of the machinery by which our exile life is made to be
+the graceful thing it often is.  I pass by bungalow after bungalow,
+each in its own little paradise, and look upon the green lawn
+successfully defying an unkind climate, the islands of mingled
+foliage in profuse, confused beauty, the gay flower beds, the clean
+gravel paths with their trim borders, the grotto in a shady corner,
+where fern and moss mingle, all dripping as if from recent showers
+and make you feel cool in spite of all thermometers, and I say to
+myself, "Without the Malee all this would not be."  Neither with the
+Malee alone would this be, but something very different.  I admit
+that.  But is not this just one secret of the beneficent influence he
+has on us?  Your "Scotch" gardener is altogether too good.  He
+obliterates you--reduces you to a spectator.  But keeping a Malee
+draws you out, for he compels you to look after him, and if you are
+to look after him, you must know something about his art, and if you
+do not know, you must learn.  So we Anglo-Indians are gardeners
+almost to a man, and spend many pure, happy hours with the pruning
+shears and the budding knife, and this we owe to the Malee.  When I
+say you must look after him, I do not disparage his skill; he is neat
+handed and knows many things; but his taste is elementary.  He has an
+eye for symmetry, and can take delight in squares and circles and
+parallel lines; but the more subtle beauties of unsymmetrical figures
+and curves which seem to obey no law are hid from him.  He loves
+bright tints especially red and yellow, with a boy's love for sugar;
+he cannot have too much of them; but he has no organ for perceiving
+harmony in colour, and so the want of it does not pain him.  The
+chief avenue, however, by which the delights of a gardener's life
+reach him is the sense of smell.  He revels in sweet odours; but
+here, too, he seeks for strength rather than what we call delicacy.
+In short, the enjoyment which he finds in the tones of his native
+tom-tom may be taken as typical of all his pleasures.  I find
+however, that Peelajee understands the principles of toleration, and,
+recognising that he caters for my pleasure rather than his own, is
+quite willing to abandon his favourite yellow marigold and luscious
+jasmine for the pooteena and the beebeena and the fullax.  But
+perhaps you do not know these flowers by their Indian names.  We call
+them petunia, verbena, and phlox.  This is, doubtless, another
+indication of our Aryan brotherhood.
+
+Peelajee is industrious after the Oriental method--that is to say, he
+is always doing something, but is economical of energy rather than
+time.  If there are more ways than one of doing a thing, he has an
+unerring instinct which guides him to choose the one that costs least
+trouble.  He is a fatalist in philosophy, and this helps him too.
+For example, when he transplants a rose bush, he saves himself the
+trouble of digging very deep by breaking the root, for if the plant
+is to live it will live, and if it is to die it will die.  Some
+plants live, he remarks, and some plants die.  The second half of
+this aphorism is only too true.  In fact, many of my best plants not
+only die, but suddenly and entirely disappear.  If I question
+Peelajee, he denies that I ever had them, and treats me as a dreamer
+of dreams.  I would not be uncharitable, but a little suspicion, like
+a mouse, lurks in the crevices of my mind that Peelajee
+surreptitiously carries on a small business as a seedsman and nursery
+gardener, and I know that in his simple mind he is so identified with
+his master that meum and tuum blend, as it were, into one.  I am
+restrained from probing into the matter by a sensitiveness about
+certain other mysteries which may be bound up with this, and about
+which I have always suppressed my curiosity.  For example, where do
+the beautiful flowers which decorate my table grow?  Not altogether
+in my garden.  So much I know:  more than that I think it prudent not
+to know.  For this reason, as I said, I forbear to make close
+scrutiny into what may be called the undercurrent of Peelajee's
+operations, but I notice that he always has in hand large beds of
+cuttings from my best roses and crotons, and these flourish up to a
+certain point, after which I lose all trace of them.  He says that an
+insidious caterpillar attacks their roots, so that they all grow
+black and wither away suddenly.  I fall upon him and tell him that he
+is to blame.  He protests that he cannot control underground
+caterpillars.  He knows that I suspect, and I suspect that he knows,
+but a veil of dissimulation, however transparent, averts a crisis, so
+we fence for a time till he understands clearly that, when he
+propagates my plants, he must reserve a decent number for me.
+
+Griffins and travelling M.P.s are liable to suppose that the Malee is
+a gardener, and ergo that you keep him to attend to your garden.
+This is an error.  He is a gardener, of course, but the primary use
+of him is to produce flowers for your table, and you need him most
+when you have no garden.  A high-class Malee of good family and
+connections is quite independent of a garden.  It seems necessary,
+however, that your neighbours should have gardens.
+
+The highest branch of the Malee's art is the making of nosegays, from
+the little "buttonhole," which is equivalent to a cough on occasions
+when baksheesh seems possible, to the great valedictory or Christmas
+bouquet.  The manner of making these is as follows.  First you gather
+your flowers, cutting the stalks as short as possible, and tie each
+one firmly to an artificial stalk of thin bamboo.  Then you select
+some large and striking flower for a centre, and range the rest round
+it in rings of beautiful colours.  If your bull's eye is a sunflower,
+then you may gird it with a broad belt of red roses.  Yellow
+marigolds may follow, then another ring of red roses, then lilac
+bougainvillea, then something blue, after which you may have a circle
+of white jasmine, and so on.  Finally, you fringe the whole with
+green leaves, bind it together with pack thread, and tie it to the
+end of a short stick.  If the odour of rose, jasmine, chumpa,
+oleander, etc., is not sufficient, you can mix a good quantity of
+mignonette with the leaves on the outside, but, in any case, it is
+best to sprinkle the whole profusely with rose water.  This will make
+a bouquet fit to present to a Commissioner.
+
+
+
+THE BHEESTEE
+
+
+
+The malee has an ally called the Bheestee.  If you ask, Who is the
+Bheestee?  I will tell you.  Behisht in the Persian tongue means
+Paradise, and a Bihishtee is, therefore, an inhabitant of Paradise, a
+cherub, a seraph, an angel of mercy.  He has no wings; the painters
+have misconceived him; but his back is bowed down with the burden of
+a great goat-skin swollen to bursting with the elixir of life.  He
+walks the land when the heaven above him is brass and the earth iron,
+when the trees and shrubs are languishing and the last blade of grass
+has given up the struggle for life, when the very roses smell only of
+dust, and all day long the roaring "dust devils" waltz about the
+fields, whirling leaf and grass and corn stalk round and round and up
+and away into the regions of the sky; and he unties a leather thong
+which chokes the throat of his goat-skin just where the head of the
+poor old goat was cut off, and straight-way, with a life-reviving
+gurgle, the stream called thunda panee gushes forth, and plant and
+shrub lift up their heads and the garden smiles again.  The dust also
+on the roads is laid and a grateful incense rises from the ground,
+the sides of the water chatty grow dark and moist and cool themselves
+in the hot air, and through the dripping interstices of the khuskhus
+tattie a chilly fragrance creeps into the room, causing the mercury
+in the thermometer to retreat from its proud place.  Nay, the seraph
+finds his way to your very bath-room, and discharging a cataract into
+the great tub, leaves it heaving like the ocean after a storm.  When
+you follow him there, you will thank that nameless poet who gave our
+humble Aquarius the title he bears.  Surely in the world there can be
+no luxury like an Indian "tub" after a long march, or a morning's
+shooting, in the month of May.  I know of none.  Wallace says that to
+eat a durian is a new sensation, worth a voyage to the East to
+experience.  "A rich, butterlike custard, highly flavoured with
+almonds, gives the best general idea of it, but intermingled with it
+come wafts of flavour which call to mind cream cheese, onion sauce,
+brown sherry, and other incongruities."  If this is true, then eating
+a durian must, in its way, be something like having a tub.  That
+certainly is a new sensation.  I cannot tell what gives the best
+general idea of it, but there are mingled with it many wafts of a
+vigorous enjoyment, which touch you, I think, at a higher point in
+your nature than cream cheese or onion sauce.  There is first the
+enfranchisement of your steaming limbs from gaiter and shooting boot,
+buckskin and flannel; then the steeping of your sodden head in the
+pellucid depth, with bubaline snortings and expirations of
+satisfaction; then, as the first cold stream from the "tinpot"
+courses down your spine, what electric thrills start from a dozen
+ganglia and flush your whole nervous system with new life!  Finally,
+there is the plunge and the wallow and the splash, with a feeling of
+kinship to the porpoise in its joy, under the influence of which the
+most silent man becomes vocal and makes the walls of the narrow
+ghoosulkhana resound with amorous, or patriotic, song.  A flavour of
+sadness mingles here, for you must come out at last, but the ample
+gaol towel receives you in its warm embrace and a glow of contentment
+pervades your frame, which seems like a special preparation for the
+soothing touch of cool, clean linen, and white duck, or smooth
+khakee.  And even before the voice of the butler is heard at the
+door, your olfactory nerves, quickened by the tonic of the tub, have
+told you what he is going to say.
+
+Some people in India always bathe in hot water, not for their sins,
+but because they like it.  At least, so they say, and it may be true,
+for I have been told that you may get a taste even for drinking hot
+water if you keep at it long enough.
+
+The Bheestee is the only one of all our servants who never asks for a
+rise of pay on account of the increase of his family.  But he is not
+like the other servants.  We do not think of him as one of the
+household.  We do not know his name, and seldom or never speak to
+him; but I follow him about, as you would some little animal, and
+observe his ways.  I find that he always stands on his left leg,
+which is like an iron gate-post, and props himself with his right.  I
+cannot discover whether he straightens out when he goes home at
+night, but when visible in the daytime, he is always bowed, either
+under the weight of his mussuk or the recollection of it.  The
+constant application of that great cold poultice must surely bring on
+chronic lumbago, but he does not complain.  I notice, however, that
+his waist is always bound about with many folds of unbleached cotton
+cloth and other protective gear.  The place to study him to advantage
+is the bowrie, or station well, in a little hollow at the foot of a
+hill.  Of course there are many wells, but some have a bad reputation
+for guineaworm, and some are brackish, and some are jealously guarded
+by the Brahmins, who curse the Bheestee if he approaches, and some
+are for low caste people.  This well is used by the station
+generally, and the water of it is very "sweet."  Any native in the
+place will tell you that if you drink of this well you will always
+have an appetite for your meals and digest your food.  It is circular
+and surrounded by a strong parapet wall, over which, if you peep
+cautiously into the dark abyss, you may catch a sight of the wary
+tortoise, which shares with a score or so of gigantic frogs the task
+of keeping the water "sweet."  It was introduced for the purpose by a
+thoughtful Bheestee:  the frogs fell in.  Wild pigeons have their
+nests in holes in the sides of the well.  Here, morning and evening,
+you will find the Bheestees of the station congregated, some coming
+and some going, like bees at the mouth of a hive, but most standing
+on the wall and letting down their leather buckets into the water.
+As they begin to haul these up again hand over hand, you will look to
+see them all topple head foremost into the well, but they do not as a
+rule.  It makes an imaginative European giddy to look down into that
+Tartarean depth; but then the Bheestee is not imaginative.  As the
+hot season advances, the water retreats further and further into the
+bowels of the earth, and the labour of filling the mussuk becomes
+more and more arduous.  At the same time, the demand for water
+increases, for man is thirsty and the ground parched.  So the toils
+of the poor Bheestee march pari passu with the tyranny of the
+climate, and he grows thin and very black.  Then, with the rain, his
+vacation begins.  Happy man if his master does not cut his pay down
+on the ground that he has little to do.  We masters sometimes do that
+kind of thing.
+
+I believe the mussuk bearer is the true and original Bheestee, but in
+many places, as wealth and luxury have spread, he has emancipated his
+own back and laid his burden on the patient bullock, which walks
+sagaciously before him, and stops at the word of command beside each
+flower-pot or bush.  He treats his slave kindly, hanging little bells
+and cowries about its neck.  If it is refractory he does not beat it,
+but gently reviles its female ancestors.  I like the Bheestee and
+respect him.  As a man, he is temperate and contented, eating bajree
+bread and slacking his thirst with his own element.  The author of
+Hobson Jobson says he never saw a drunken Bheestee.  And as a servant
+he is laborious and faithful, rarely shirking his work, seeking it
+out rather.  For example, we had a bottle-shaped filter of porous
+stoneware, standing in a bucket of water, which it was his duty to
+fill daily; but the good man, not content with doing his bare duty,
+took the plug out of the filter and filled it too!  And all the
+station knows how assiduously he fills the rain gauge.  But what I
+like best in him is his love of nature.  He keeps a tame lark in a
+very small cage, covered with dark cloth that it may sing, and early
+in the morning you will find him in the fields, catching grasshoppers
+for his little pet.  I am speaking of a Mahomedan Bheestee.  You must
+not expect love of nature in a Hindoo.
+
+
+
+TOM, THE BARBER
+
+
+
+In India it is not good form to shave yourself.  You ought to respect
+the religious prejudices and social institutions of the people.  If
+everyone shaved himself, how would the Barber's stomach be filled?
+The pious feeling which prompts this question lies deep in the heart
+of Hindoo society.  We do not understand it.  How can we, with our
+cold-blooded creed of demand and supply, free trade and competition,
+fair field and no favour?  In this ancient land, whose social system
+is not a deformed growth, but a finished structure, nothing has been
+left to chance, least of all a man's beard; for, cleanliness and
+godliness not being neighbours here, a beard well matted with ashes
+and grease is the outward and visible sign of sanctity.  And so, in
+the golden age, when men did everything that is wise and right, there
+was established a caste whose office it was to remove that sign from
+secular chins.  How impious and revolutionary then must it be for a
+man who is not a barber to tamper with his own beard, thus taking the
+bread out of the mouths of barbers born, and blaspheming the wisdom
+of the ancient founders of civilization!  It is true that, during the
+barbers' strike a few years ago, the Brahmins, even of orthodox
+Poona, consecrated a few of their own number to the use of the razor.
+But desperate diseases demand desperate remedies.  When the barbers
+struck, Nature did not strike.  Beards grew as before, and threatened
+to change the whole face of society.  In view of such an appalling
+crisis who would say anything was unlawful?  Besides, British rule is
+surely undermining the very foundations of society, and I doubt if
+you could find a Brahmin to-day under fifty years of age whose heart
+is not more or less corroded by the spirit of change.  Your young
+University man is simply honey-combed:  he can scarcely conceal his
+mind from his own mother or wife.
+
+But I must return to the Barber.  The natives call him hujjam.  He
+has been bred so true for a score or so of centuries that shaving
+must be an instinct with him now.  His right hand is as delicate an
+organ as a foxhound's nose.  I believe that, when inebriated, he goes
+on shaving, just as a toad deprived of its brain will walk and eat
+and scratch its nose.  If you put a jagged piece of tin into the hand
+of a baby hujjam, he will scrape his little sister's face with it.
+In India, as you know, every caste has its own "points," and you can
+distinguish a Barber as easily as a dhobie or a Dorking hen.  He is a
+sleek, fair-complexioned man, dressed in white, with an ample red
+turban, somewhat oval in shape, like a sugared almond.  He wears
+large gold earrings in the upper part of his ears, and has a sort of
+false stomach, which, at a distance, gives him an aldermanic figure,
+but proves, on a nearer view, to be made of leather, and to have many
+compartments, filled with razors, scissors, soap, brush, comb,
+mirror, tweezers, earpicks, and other instruments of a more or less
+surgical character; for he is, indeed, a surgeon, and especially an
+aurist and narist.  When he takes a Hindoo head into his charge, he
+does not confine himself to the chin or scalp, but renovates it all
+over.  The happy patient enjoys the operation, sitting proudly in a
+public place.  When a Barber devotes himself to European heads he
+rises in the social scale.  If he has any real talent for his
+profession, he soon rises to the rank and title of Tom, and may
+eventually be presented with a small hot-water jug, bearing an
+inscription to the effect that it is a token of the respect and
+esteem in which he was held by the officers of the ---th Regiment at
+the station of Daree-nai-hona.  This is equivalent to a C. I. E., but
+is earned by merit.  In truth, Tom is a great institution.  He opens
+the day along with tea and hot toast and the Daree-nai-hona
+Chronicle, but we throw aside the Chronicle.  It is all very well if
+you want to know which band will play at the band-stand this evening,
+and the leading columns are occasionally excruciatingly good, when a
+literary corporal of the Fusiliers discusses the political horizon,
+or unmasks the Herald, pointing out with the most pungent sarcasm how
+"our virtuous contemporary puts his hands in his breeches pockets,
+like a crocodile, and sheds tears;" but during the parade season the
+corporal writes little, and articles by the regular staff, upon the
+height to which cantonment hedges should be allowed to grow, are apt
+to be dull.  For news we depend on Tom.  He appears reticent at
+first, but be patient.  Let him put the soap on, and then tap him
+gently.
+
+"Well, Tom, what news this morning?"
+
+"No news, sar."  After a long pause, "Commissioner Saheb coming to-
+morrow."
+
+"To-morrow?  No, he is not coming for three weeks."
+
+"To-morrow coming.  Not telling anybody; quietly coming."
+
+"Why?"
+
+"God knows."  After another pause, "Nana Shett give Mamletdar 500
+rupee for not send his son to prison.  Then Nana Shett's brother he
+fight with Nana Shett, so he write letter to Commissioner and tell
+him you come quietly and make inquire."
+
+"The Mamletdar has been taking bribes, has he?"
+
+"Everybody taking.  Fouzdar take 200 rupee.  Dipooty take 500 rupee."
+
+"What!  Does the Deputy Collector take bribes?"
+
+"God knows.  Black man very bad.  All black man same like bad."
+
+"Then are you not a black man?"
+
+Tom smiles pleasantly and makes a fresh start.
+
+"Colonel Saheb's madam got baby."
+
+"Is it a boy or a girl?"
+
+"Girl, sar.  Colonel Saheb very angry."
+
+"Why?"
+
+"He say, 'I want boy.  Why always girl coming?'  Get very angry.
+Beat butler with stick."
+
+Yes, Tom is a great institution.  Who can estimate how much we owe to
+him for the circulation of that lively interest in one another's
+well-being which characterises the little station?  Tom comes, like
+the Pundit, in the morning, but he is different from the Pundit and
+we welcome him.  He is not a shadow of the black examination-cloud
+which lowers over us.  There is no flavour of grammars and
+dictionaries about him.  Even if he finds you still in bed,
+conscience gets no support from him.  He does not awaken you, but
+slips in with noiseless tread, lifts the mosquito curtains, proceeds
+with his duty and departs, leaving no token but a gentle dream about
+the cat which came and licked your cheeks and chin with its soft,
+warm tongue, and scratched you playfully with its claws, while a cold
+frog, embracing your nose, looked on and smiled a froggy smile.  The
+barber's hand IS cold and clammy.  Chacun a son gout.  I do not like
+him.  I grow my beard, and Tom looks at me as the Chaplain regards
+dissenters.
+
+
+
+OUR "NOWKERS"--THE MARCH PAST
+
+
+
+Now it is time to close our inspection and order a march past.  I
+think I have marshalled the whole force.  It may seem a small band to
+you, if you have lived in imperial Bengal, for we of Bombay do not
+generally keep a special attendant to fill and light our pipe, and
+our tatoo does not require a man to cut its grass.  Some of us even
+put on our own clothes.  In short, we have not carried the art of
+living to such oriental perfection as prevails on the other side of
+India, and a man of simple tastes will find my company of fourteen a
+sufficient staff.  There they are, Sub hazir hai, "they are all
+present," the butler says, except one humble, but necessary officer,
+who does not like to appear.  He is known familiarly by many names.
+You may call him Plantagenet, for his emblem is the lowly broom; but
+since his modesty keeps him in the background, we will leave him
+there.  The rest are before you, the faithful corps with whose help
+we transact our exile life.  You may look at them from many
+standpoints, and how much depends on which you take!  I suspect the
+commonest with us masters is that which regards boy, butler, mussaul,
+cook, as just so many synonyms for channels by which the hard-earned
+rupee, which is our life-blood, flows from us continually.  This view
+puts enmity between us and them, between our interests and theirs.
+It does not come into our minds, that when we submit our claim for an
+extra allowance of Rs. 200 under section 1735 of the Code, and the
+mussaul gets the butler to prefer a humble request for an increase of
+one rupee a month to his slender puggar, we and the mussaul are made
+kin by that one touch of nature.  We spurn the request and urge the
+claim, with equal wonderment at the effrontery of mussauls and the
+meanness of Governments.  And "the angels weep."
+
+Shift your standpoint, and in each cringing menial you will see a
+black token of that Asiatic metamorphosis through which we all have
+passed.  What a picture!  Look at yourself as you stand there in
+purple sublimity, trailing clouds of darkness from the middle ages
+whence you come, planting your imperial foot on all the manly
+traditions of your own free country, and pleased with the grovelling
+adulations of your trembling serfs.  And now it is not the angels who
+weep, but the Baboo of Bengal.  His pale and earnest brow is furrowed
+with despair as he turns from you.  For whither shall he turn?  When
+his bosom palpitates with the intense joy of newborn aspirations for
+liberty, to whom shall he go if the Briton, the champion of the
+world's freedom, has drunk of Comus's cup and become an oriental
+satrap?  Ah! there is still hope.  The "large heart of England" beats
+still for him.  In the land of John Hampden and Labouchere there are
+thousands yet untainted by the plague, who keep no servant, who will
+listen to the Baboo while he tells them about you, and perhaps return
+him to parliament.
+
+There is a third view of the case, fraught with much content to those
+who can take it, and, happily, it is the only view possible to the
+primitive intelligences over which we exercise domestic lordship.  In
+this view they are, indeed, as we regard them--so many channels by
+which the rupee may flow from us; but what are we, if not great
+reservoirs, built to feed those very channels?  And so, with that
+"sweet reasonableness" which is so pleasant a feature of the Hindoo
+mind, your boy or butler, being the main conduit, sets himself to
+estimate the capacity of the reservoir, that he may adapt the gauge
+of each pipe and regulate the flow.  And, as the reservoir grows
+greater, as the assistant becomes a collector and the collector a
+commissioner, the pipes are extended and enlarged, and all rejoice
+together.  The moral beauty of this view of the situation grows upon
+you as you accustom your mind to dwell on it.  Is it not pleasant to
+think of yourself as a beneficent irrigation work, watering a wide
+expanse of green pasture and smiling corn, or as a well in a happy
+garden, diffusing life and bloom?  Look at the syce's children.  Phil
+Robinson says there are nine of them, all about the same age and
+dressed in the same nakedness.  As they squat together there,
+indulging "the first and purest of our instincts" in the mud or dust
+of the narrow back road, reflect that their tender roots are
+nourished by a thin rivulet of rupees which flows from you.  If you
+dried up, they would droop and perhaps die.  The butler has a bright
+little boy, who goes to school every day in a red velvet cap and
+print jacket, with a small slate in his hand, and hopes one day to
+climb higher in the word than his father.  His tendrils are wrapped
+about your salary.  Nay, you may widen the range of your thoughts:
+the old hut in the environs of Surat, with its patch of field and the
+giant gourds, acknowledges you, and a small stream, diverted from one
+of the channels which you supply, is filling a deep cistern in one of
+the back streets of Goa.  Pardon me if I think that the untutored
+Indian's thought is better even for us than any which we have framed
+for ourselves.  Imagine yourself as a sportsman, spear in hand,
+pursuing the wild V.C. through fire and water, or patiently stalking
+the wary K.C.B., or laying snares for the gentle C.I.E.; or else as a
+humble industrious dormouse lining a warm nest for the winter of your
+life in Bath or Tunbridge Wells; or as a gay butterfly flitting from
+flower to flower while the sunshine of your brief day may last; or
+simply as a prisoner toiling at the treadmill because you must:  the
+well in the garden is a pleasanter conception than all these and
+wholesomer.  Foster it while you may.  Now that India has wakened up
+and begun to spin after the rest of the great world down the ringing
+grooves of change, these tints of dawn will soon fade away, and in
+the light of noon the instructed Aryan will learn to see and deplore
+the monstrous inequalities in the distribution of wealth.  He will
+come to understand the essential equality of all men, and the real
+nature of the contract which subsists between master and servant.
+Yes, I am afraid the day is fast drawing near when you will no longer
+venture to cut the hamal's pay for letting mosquitoes into your bed
+curtains and he will no longer join his palms and call you his father
+and mother for doing so.  What a splendid capacity for obedience
+there is in this ancient people!  And our relations with them have
+certainly taught us again how to govern, which is one of the
+forgotten arts in the West.  Where in the world to-day is there a
+land so governed as this Indian Empire?
+
+And now each man wants his "character" before he makes his last
+salaam, and what shall I say?  "The bearer --- has been in my service
+since --- and I have always found him --- "  So far good; but what
+next?  Honest?--Yes.  Willing?--Certainly.  Careful?--Very.
+Hardworking?--Well, I have often told him that he was a lazy
+scoundrel, and that he might easily take a lesson in activity from
+the bheestee's bullock, and perhaps I spoke the truth.  But, after
+all, he gets up in the morning an hour before me, and eats his dinner
+after I have retired for the night.  He gets no Saturday half-
+holiday, and my Sabbath is to him as the other days of the week.  And
+so the hard things I have said of him and to him are forgotten, and
+charity triumphs at the last.  And when my furlough is over and I
+return to these shores, the whole troop will be at the Apollo Bunder,
+waiting to welcome back their old master and eat his salt again.
+
+
+
+POSTSCRIPT.  THE GOWLEE, OR DOODWALLAH
+
+
+
+Gopal, the Gowlee, haunts me in my dreams, complaining that he has
+been left out in the cold.  I had classed him with the borah and the
+baker, as outsiders with whom I had merely business relations; but
+Gopal seems to urge that he is not on the same footing with these.
+How can he be compared to a mercenary borah?  Has he not ministered
+to my wants, morning and evening, in wet weather and dry?  Have not
+my children grown up on his milk?  He will not deny that they have
+eaten the baker's bread too; but who is the baker?  Does he come into
+the saheb's presence in person as Gopal does?  No.  He sits in his
+shop and sends a servant.  Not so Gopal.  He is one of my children,
+and I am his father and mother.  And I am forced to admit there is
+some truth in this view of the case.  The ill-favoured man who haunts
+my house of a morning, with a large basket of loaves poised slantwise
+on his head, and converses in a strange nasal brogue with the cook,
+is not Mr. de Souza, "baker of superior first and second sort bread,
+and manufacturer of every kind of biscuit, cake," &c., but a mere
+underling.  My intercourse with the head of the firm is confined to
+the first day of each month, when he waits on me in person, dressed
+in a smart black jacket, and presents his bill.  Also on Good Friday
+he sends me a cake and his compliments, but the former, if it is not
+intercepted by the butler and applied to his own uses, is generally
+too unctuous for my taste.  Very different are our relations with the
+Doodwallah.  Our chota hazree waits for him in the morning; our
+afternoon tea cannot proceed till he comes; the baby cries if the
+Doodwallah is late.  And even if you are one of the few who strike
+for independence and keep their own cow, I still counsel you to
+maintain amicable relations with the Doodwallah.  One day the cow
+will kick and refuse to be milked, and the butler will come to you
+with a troubled countenance.  It is a grave case and demands
+professional skill.  The Doodwallah must be sent for to milk the cow.
+In many other ways, too, we are made to feel our dependence on him.
+I believe we rarely die of cholera, or typhoid fever, without his
+unobtrusive assistance.  And all his services are performed in
+person, not through any underling.  That stately man who walks up the
+garden path morning and evening, erect as a betel-nut palm, with a
+tiara of graduated milk-pots on his head, and driving a snorting
+buffalo before him, is Gopal himself.  Scarcely any other figure in
+the compound impresses me in the same way as his.  It is altogether
+Eastern in its simple dignity, and symbolically it is eloquent.  The
+buffalo represents absolute milk and the lessening pyramid of brass
+lotas, from the great two-gallon vessel at the base to the 0.25-seer
+measure at the top, stand for successive degrees of dilution with
+that pure element which runs in the roadside ditches after rain.
+Thus his insignia interpret themselves to me.  Gopal does not
+acknowledge my heraldry, but explains that the lowest lota contains
+butter milk--that is to say, milk for making butter.  The second
+contains milk which is excellent for drinking, but will not yield
+butter; the third a cheaper quality of milk for puddings, and so on.
+If you are an anxious mother, or a fastidious bachelor, and none of
+these will please you, then he brings the buffalo to the door and
+milks it in your presence.  I think the truth which underlies the two
+ways of putting the thing is the same:  Gopal and I differ in form of
+words only.  However that may be, practice is more than theory, and I
+stipulate for milk for all purposes from the lowest lota--that is,
+milk which is warranted to yield butter.  If it will not stand that
+test, I reject it.  Gopal wonders at my extravagance, but consents.
+The milk is good and the butter from it plentiful.  But as time goes
+on the latter declines both in quantity and quality, so gradually
+that suspicion is scarcely awakened.  When at last you summon the
+butler to a consultation, he suggests that the weather has been too
+hot for successful butter making, or too cold.  If these reasons do
+not satisfy you, he has others; if they fail, he gives his verdict
+against the Doodwallah.  Next morning Gopal is called to superintend
+the making of the butter and convicted, convicted but not abashed.
+He expresses the greatest regret, but blames the buffalo; its calf is
+too old.  To-morrow you shall have the produce of another buffalo.
+So next day you have the satisfaction of seeing a fine healthy pat of
+butter swimming in the butter dish, carved and curled with all the
+butler's art, like a full-blown dahlia.  But the milk in your tea
+does not improve, for Gopal, after ascertaining how much milk you set
+aside for butter every day, finds that the new buffalo yields only
+that quantity, and so what you require for other purposes comes from
+another source.  The butler forgot to tell you this.  What bond is
+there between him and honest Gopal?  I cannot tell.  Many are the
+mysteries of housekeeping in India, and puzzling its problems.  If
+you could behead your butler when anything went wrong, I have very
+little doubt everything would go right, but the complicated methods
+of modern justice are no match for the subtleties of Indian petty
+wickedness.  And yet under this crust of cunning there is a vein of
+simple stupidity which constantly crops up where you least expect it.
+I remember a gentleman, a bachelor, who set before himself a very
+high standard.  He would be strictly just and justly strict.  He
+suspected that his milk was watered, but his faithful boy protested
+that this could not be, as the milking was begun and finished in his
+presence.  So the master provided himself with a lactometer, and the
+suspicion became certainty.  Summoning his boy into his presence, he
+explained to him that that little instrument, which he saw floating
+in the so-called milk before him, could neither lie nor be deceived.
+"It declares," he added sternly, "that there is twenty-five per cent.
+of water in this milk."  "Your lordship speaks the truth," answered
+the faithful man, "but how could I tell a lie?  The milk was drawn in
+my presence."  "Do you mean to say you were there the whole time the
+animal was being milked?"  "The whole time, your lordship.  Would I
+give those rogues the chance of watering the saheb's milk?"  The
+master thought for a moment, and asked again, "Are you sure there was
+no water in the pail before the milking began?--these people are very
+cunning."  "They are as cunning as sheitan, your lordship, but I made
+the man turn the pail upside down and shake it."  Again the master
+turned the matter over in his just mind, and it occurred to him that
+the lactometer was of English manufacture and might be puzzled by the
+milk of the buffalo.  "Is this cow's milk, or buffalo's?" he asked.
+The boy was beginning to feel his position uncomfortable and caught
+at this chance of escape.  "Ah! that I cannot tell.  It may be
+buffalo's milk."  Tableau.
+
+I have spoken of having butter made in the house, but Gopal carries
+on all departments of a dairyman's business, and you may buy butter
+of him at two annas a "cope."  Let philologists settle the derivation
+of the word.  The "cope" is a measure like a small tea-cup, and when
+Gopal has filled it, he presses the butter well down with his hand,
+so that a man skilled in palmistry may read the honest milkman's
+fortune off any cope of his butter.  How he makes it, or of what
+materials, I dare not say.  Many flavours mingle in it, some familiar
+enough, some unknown to me.  Its texture varies too.  Sometimes it is
+pasty, sometimes semi-fluid, sometimes sticky, following the knife.
+In colour it is bluish-white, unless dyed.  All things considered, I
+refuse Gopal's butter, and have mine made at home.  The process is
+very simple, and no churn is needed.  Every morning the milk for next
+day's butter is put into a large flat dish, to stand for twenty-four
+hours, at the end of which time, if the dish is as dirty as it should
+be, the milk has curdled.  Then, with a tin spoon, Mukkun skims off
+the cream and puts it into a large pickle bottle, and squatting on
+the ground, more suo, bumps the bottle upon a pad until the butter is
+made.  The artistic work of preparing it for presentation remains.
+First it is dyed yellow with a certain seed, that it may please the
+saheb's taste, for buffalo butter is quite white, and you know it is
+an axiom in India that cow's milk does not yield butter.  Then Mukkun
+takes a little bamboo instrument and patiently works the butter into
+a "flower" and sends it to breakfast floating in cold water.
+
+Gopal is a man of substance, owning many buffaloes and immensely fat
+Guzerat cows, with prodigious humps and large pendent ears.  His
+family, having been connected for many generations with the sacred
+animal, he enjoys a certain consciousness of moral respectability,
+like a man whose uncles are deans or canons.  In my mind, he is
+always associated rather with his buffaloes, those great, unwieldy,
+hairless, slate-coloured docile, intelligent antediluvians.
+
+
+
+THE MISCELLANEOUS WALLAHS
+
+
+
+I have yielded to the claim of the doodwallah to be reckoned among
+the nowkers.  His right is more than doubtful, and I will yield no
+further.  Nevertheless, there is a cluster of petty dependents, a
+nebula of minor satellites, which have us for the focus of their
+orbit, and which cannot be left out of a comprehensive account of our
+system.  Whence, for example, is that raucus stridulation which sets
+every tooth on edge and sends a rheumatic shiver up my spine?  "It is
+only the Kalai-wallah," says the boy, and points to a muscular black
+man, very nearly in the garb of a Grecian athlete, standing with both
+feet in one of my largest cooking pots.  He grasps a post with both
+hands, and swings his whole frame fiercely from side to side with a
+circular motion, like the balance wheel of a watch.  He seems to have
+a rough cloth and sand under his feet, so I suppose this is only his
+energetic way of scouring the pot preparatory to tinning it, for the
+Kalai-wallah is the "tin-man," whose beneficent office it is to avert
+death by verdigris and salts of copper from you and your family.  His
+assistant, a semi-nude, fleshless youth, has already extemporized a
+furnace of clay in the ground hard by, and is working a huge pair of
+clumsy bellows.  Around him are all manner of copper kitchen
+utensils, handies, or deckshies, kettles, frying-pans, and what not,
+and there are also on the ground some rings of kalai, commonly called
+tin; but pure tin is an expensive metal, and I do not think it is any
+part of the Kalai-wallah's care to see that you are not poisoned with
+lead.  One notable peculiarity there is in this Kalai-wallah, or tin-
+man, which deserves record, namely, that he pays no dustooree to any
+man.  I take it as sufficient evidence of this fact that, though even
+the matie could tell you that the pots ought to be tinned once a
+month, neither the butler nor the cook ever seems to remember when
+the day comes round.  This is a matter which you must see to
+personally.  Contrast with this the case of the Nalbund, the clink of
+whose hammer in the early morning tells that the 15th of the month
+has dawned.  His portable anvil is already in the ground, and he is
+hammering the shoes into shape after a fashion; but he is not very
+particular about this, for if the shoe does not fit the hoof he can
+always cut the hoof to fit the shoe.  This is an advantage which the
+maker of shoes for human feet does not enjoy, though I have heard of
+very fashionable ladies who secretly have one toe amputated that the
+rest may more easily be squeezed into that curious pointed thing,
+which, by some mysterious process of mind, is regarded as an elegant
+shoe.  But this is by the way.  To return to the Nalbund.  His work
+is guaranteed to last one calendar month, and your faithful
+ghorawallah, who remembers nothing else, and scarcely knows the day
+of the week, bears in mind the exact date on which the horse has to
+be shod next, and if the careless Nalbund does not appear, promptly
+goes in search of him.  Does not this speak volumes for the
+efficiency of that venerable and wonderful institution dustooree, by
+which the interests of all classes are cemented together and the
+wheels of the social system are oiled?  The shoeing of the bullock is
+generally a distinct profession, I believe, from the shoeing of the
+horse, and is not considered such a high art.  The poor byle is
+thrown, and, his feet being tied together, the assistant holds his
+nose to the ground, while the master nails a small slip of bad iron
+to each half of the hoof.  I often stop on my way to contemplate this
+spectacle, which beautifully illustrates that cold patience, or
+natural thick-skinnedness, which fits the byle so admirably for his
+lot in this land.  He is yoked to a creaking cart and prodded with a
+sharp nail to make him go, his female ancestry reviled to the third
+generation, his belly tickled with the driver's toes, and his tail
+twisted till the joints crack, but he plods patiently on till he
+feels disposed to stop, and then he lies down and takes with an even
+mind such cudgelling as the enraged driver can inflict.  At last a
+fire of straw is lighted under him, and then he gets up and goes on.
+He never grows restive or frets, as a horse would, and so he does not
+wear out.  This is the reason why bullocks are used throughout India
+for all agricultural purposes.  The horse does not suit the genius of
+the people.  I wish horses in India could do without shoes.  In sandy
+districts, like Guzerat, they can, and are much better unshod; but in
+the stony Deccan some protection is absolutely necessary, and the
+poor beast is often at the mercy of the village bullock Nalbund.  It
+carries my thoughts to the days of our forefathers, when the
+blacksmith was also the dentist.
+
+The Nalbund leads naturally to the Ghasswallah, or grass-man, whose
+sign is a mountain of green stuff, which comes nodding in at the back
+gate every day upon four emaciated legs.  A small pony's nose
+protrudes from the front, with a muzzle on, for in such matters the
+spirit of the law of Moses is not current in this country.  The mild
+Hindoo does muzzle the mouth of the ox that treadeth out the corn.
+His religion forbids him to take life, and he obeys, but he steers as
+near to that sin as he can, without actually committing it, and
+vitality is seen here at a lower ebb, perhaps, than in any other
+country under the sun.  The grassman maintains just so much flesh on
+the bones of his beast as will suffice to hold them together under
+their burden, and this can be done without lucerne grass, so poor
+Tantalus toddles about, buried under a pile of sweet-scented, fresh,
+green herbage, ministering to the sleek aristocracy of his own kind,
+and returns to gnaw his daily allowance of kurbee.  There is,
+however, one alleviation of his lot for which he may well be
+thankful, and that is that his burden so encompasses him about that
+the stick of his driver cannot get at any part of him.  I believe the
+Ghasswallah is an institution peculiar to our presidency--this kind
+of Ghasswallah, I mean, who is properly a farmer, owning large well-
+irrigated fields of lucerne grass.  Hay is supplied by another kind
+of Ghasswallah, who does not keep a pony, but brings the daily
+allowance on his head.  That allowance is five polees for each horse.
+A polee is a bundle of grass about as thick as a tree, and as long as
+a bit of string.  This hay merchant does a large business, and used
+to send in a monthly bill to each of his constituents in due form,
+thus:-
+
+
+To Hurree Ganesh,                      January.
+   Mr. Esmith, Esquire                      Dr.
+   To supplying grass to one horse  Rs.   7 0 0
+      Ditto to half a horse               3 8 0
+          Total                     Rs.  10 8 0
+                      E. E.& contents received.
+
+
+The half a horse was a cow.
+
+As the monsoon draws to a close and the weather begins to get colder,
+a man in a tight brown suit and leather belt, with an unmistakable
+flavour of sport about him, presents himself at the door.  This is
+the shikaree come with khubber of "ishnap," and quail, and duck, and
+in fact of anything you like up to bison and tiger.  But we must
+dismiss him to-day.  He would require a chapter to himself, and would
+take me over ground quite outside of my present scope.  What a loocha
+he is!
+
+What shall I say of the Roteewallah and the Jooteewallah, who comes
+round so regularly to keep your boots and shoes in disrepair, and of
+all the vociferous tribe of borahs?  There is the Kupprawallah, and
+the Boxwallah, and the Ready-made-clotheswallah ("readee made cloes
+mem sa-ab! dressin' gown, badee, petticoat, drars, chamees,
+everyting, mem sa-ab, very che-eap!") and the Chowchowwallah and the
+Maiwawallah or fruit man, with his pleasant basket of pomeloes and
+oranges, plantains, red and white, custard apples, guavas, figs,
+grapes, and pineapples, and those suspicious-looking old iron scales,
+hanging by greasy, knotted strings.  Each of these good people, it
+seems, lives in this hard world for no other end but to supply my
+wants.  One of them is positive that he supplied my father with the
+necessaries of life before I was born.  He is by appearance about
+eighteen years of age, but this presents no difficulty, for if it was
+not he who ministered to my parent, it was his father, and so he has
+not only a personal, but a hereditary claim on me.  He is a
+workboxwallah, and is yearning to show his regard for me by
+presenting me with a lady's sandalwood dressing-case in return for
+the trifling sum of thirty-five rupees.  The sindworkwallah, who has
+a similar esteem for me, scorns the thought of wishing to sell, but
+if I would just look at some of his beautiful things, he could go
+away happy.  When they are all spread upon the ground, then it occurs
+to him that I have it in my power to make him lucky for the day by
+buying a fancy smoking-cap, which, by-the-by, he brought expressly
+for me.  But this subject always makes me sad, for there is no
+disguising the fact that the borah is fast passing away for ever, and
+with him all the glowing morning tints of that life which we used to
+live when India was still India.  But let that regret pass.  One
+wallah remains, who presents himself at your door, not monthly, or
+weekly, but every day, and often twice a day, and not at the back
+verandah, but at the front, walking confidently up to the very easy-
+chair on which we stretch our lordly limbs.  And I may safely say
+that, of all who claim directly or indirectly to have eaten our salt,
+there is not a man for whom we have, one and all of us, a kindlier
+feeling.  You may argue that he is only a public servant, and has
+really far less claim on us than any of the others; never mind -
+
+
+"I pray thee, peace.  I will be flesh and blood."
+
+
+The English mail is in, and we feel, and will feel, towards that red-
+livened man as Noah felt towards the dove with the olive branch in
+her mouth.  And when Christmas comes round, howsoever we may harden
+ourselves against others, scarcely one of us, I know, will grudge a
+rupee to the tapalwallah.
+
+
+
+
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