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diff --git a/78975-h/78975-h.htm b/78975-h/78975-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..a3f96b7 --- /dev/null +++ b/78975-h/78975-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,6006 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html> +<html lang="en"> +<head> + <meta charset="UTF-8"> + <meta name="viewport" content="width=device-width, initial-scale=1"> + <meta name="format-detection" content="telephone=no,date=no,address=no,email=no,url=no"> + <title> + The Immoralist | Project Gutenberg + </title> + <link rel="icon" href="images/cover.jpg" type="image/x-cover"> + <style> + +body { + margin-left: 7%; + margin-right: 7%; + font-family:serif; +} + +h1,h2,h3 { + text-align: center; + clear: both; +} + +h3 { + page-break-after: avoid + } + +div.chapter {page-break-before: always;} +h2.nobreak {page-break-before: avoid;} + +p { + text-indent: 1.3em; + margin-top: .5em; + text-align: justify; + margin-bottom: .5em; +} + +hr.chap { + border: none; + position: relative; + text-align: center; + margin: 3em 0; + page-break-after: avoid + } +hr.chap::before { + content: "⚬ ꕤ ⚬"; + position: relative; + padding: 0; + z-index: 1 + } + +hr.chap::after { + content: ""; + position: absolute; + top: 50%; + left: 0; + width: 100%; + border-top: 2px solid #ddd; + z-index: 0 + } +hr.front { + width: 10%; + margin: 2.5em 45%; + border: 0; + border-top: 1px solid #777; + page-break-after: avoid + } + +hr.tb { + border: none; + text-align: center; + margin: 2em 0; + page-break-after: avoid +} + +hr.tb::before { + content: "❦"; + color: #777; + font-size: 1.2em; +} + +.pagenum { + right: 1%; + font-size: x-small; + color: #333; + text-indent: 0; + text-align: right; + position: absolute; + font-style: normal; +} + +blockquote { + margin-top: 1em; + margin-bottom: 1em; + margin-left: 5%; + margin-right: 5%; +} + +.center {text-align: center; text-indent: 0;} + +.right {text-align: right;} + +.smcap {font-variant: small-caps;} + +.allsmcap {font-variant: small-caps; text-transform: lowercase;} + +.smaller {font-size:smaller;} +.larger {font-size:larger;} +.xlarge {font-size:x-large;} + +.p2 {margin-top: 2em;} +.p6 {margin-top: 6em;} + +.overline {text-decoration: overline;} + +blockquote.constrain { + margin: auto; + max-width: 25em + } + +.transnote {background-color: #eeeeee; + margin: 3em; + padding: 0.5em 2.5em 1.5em 2.5em; +} + </style> +</head> + +<body> +<div style='text-align:center'>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 78975 ***</div> + + +<section aria-label="title page"> +<h1 style="color:darkred"> +THE<br> +IMMORALIST +</h1> +<br> +<p class="center"> +<i>Translated from the French of</i><br> +<span class="xlarge">ANDRÉ GIDE</span><br> +<i>by Dorothy Bussy</i><br> +<br><br><br> +1930<br> +<span class="overline"> +<i>New York</i> · ALFRED · A · KNOPF · <i>London</i> +</span></p> +</section> + +<hr class="front"> + +<section class="center smaller" aria-label="copyright page"> +<i>Copyright 1930</i> <span class="allsmcap">BY ALFRED A. KNOPF, INC.</span><br> +<br> +<i>All rights reserved<br> +including the right to reproduce this book<br> +or parts thereof in any form</i><br> +<br> +<i>Original title</i><br> +<br> +L’IMMORALISTE<br> +<br> +<i>Copyright 1921 by<br> +Mercure de France<br> +Paris</i><br> +<br> +First and Second Printings before Publication<br> +Published, March, 1930<br> +<br> +MANUFACTURED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA +</section> + +<hr class="front"> + +<section class="center larger" aria-label="dedication"> +<i>To<br> +My Comrade and Fellow-Traveller</i><br> +<br> +HENRI<br> +GHEON +</section> + +<hr class="front"> + +<main aria-label="start of book"> +<div class="chapter"> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_vii">[vii]</span></p> + + + <h2 class="nobreak" id="PREFACE"> + PREFACE + </h2> +</div> + + +<p>I present this book for what it is worth—a fruit +filled with bitter ashes, like those colocinths of the +desert that grow in a parched and burning soil. All +they can offer to your thirst is a still more cruel +fierceness—yet lying on the golden sand they are +not without a beauty of their own.</p> + +<p>If I had held my hero up as an example, it must +be admitted that my success would have been small. +The few readers who were disposed to interest themselves +in Michel’s adventure did so only to reprobate +him with all the superiority of their kind hearts. It +was not in vain that I had adorned Marceline with +so many virtues; they could not forgive Michel for +not preferring her to himself.</p> + +<p>If I had intended this book to be an indictment of +Michel, I should have succeeded as little, for no-one +was grateful to me for the indignation he felt against +my hero; it was as though he felt this indignation in +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_viii">[viii]</span>spite of me; it overflowed from Michel on to myself; +I seemed indeed within an ace of being confounded +with him.</p> + +<p>But I intended to make this book as little an indictment +as an apology and took care to pass no judgment. +The public now-a-days will not forgive an +author who, after relating an action, does not declare +himself either for or against it; more than this, during +the very course of the drama they want him to +take sides, pronounce in favour either of Alceste or +Philinte, of Hamlet or Ophelia, of Faust or Margaret, +of Adam or Jehovah. I do not indeed claim that neutrality +(I was going to say ‘indecision’) is the certain +mark of a great mind; but I believe that many great +minds have been very loath to ... conclude—and +that to state a problem clearly is not to suppose it +solved in advance.</p> + +<p>It is with reluctance that I use the word ‘problem’ +here. To tell the truth, in art there are no problems—that +are not sufficiently solved by the work of art +itself.</p> + +<p>If by ‘problem’ one means ‘drama,’ shall I say +that the one recounted in this book, though the scene +of it is laid in my hero’s soul, is nevertheless too general +to remain circumscribed in his individual adventure. +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_ix">[ix]</span>I do not pretend to have invented this ‘problem’; +it existed before my book; whether Michel triumph +or succumb, the ‘problem’ will continue to exist, +and the author has avoided taking either triumph or +defeat for granted.</p> + +<p>If certain distinguished minds have refused to see +in this drama anything but the exposition of a special +case, and in its hero anything but a sufferer from +disease, if they have failed to recognize that ideas of +very urgent import and very general interest may +nevertheless be found in it—the fault lies neither in +those ideas nor in that drama, but in the author—in +his lack of skill, I should say—though he has put +into this book all his passion and all his care, though +he has watered it with many tears. But the real interest +of a work and the interest taken in it by an +ephemeral public are two very different things. A +man may, I think, without much conceit, take the +risk of not arousing immediate interest in interesting +things—he may even prefer this to exciting a momentary +delight in a public greedy only for sweets +and trifles.</p> + +<p>For the rest, I have not tried to prove anything, +but only to paint my picture well and to set it in a +good light.</p> + +<hr class="front"> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_1">[1]</span></p> + +<section class="center larger" aria-label="quotation"> +I WILL PRAISE THEE;<br> +FOR I AM FEARFULLY AND<br> +WONDERFULLY MADE<br> +<br> +<i>Psalms, cxxxix, 14</i> +</section> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" aria-roledescription="new chapter"> +<div class="chapter"> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_3">[3]</span></p> + + + <h2 class="nobreak" id="TO_THE_PRIME_MINISTER_MR_D_R"> + (TO THE PRIME MINISTER, MR. D. R.)<br> + +<span class="smaller">SIDI B. M.</span> + </h2> +</div> + + +<p class="right"> + <i>30th. July 189–</i> +</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Yes, my dear brother</span>, <i>of course, as you supposed, +Michel has confided in us. Here is his story. You +asked me to let you have it and I promised to; but +now at the last moment I hesitate to send it and the +oftener I re-read it the more dreadful it seems. Oh, +what, I wonder, will you think of our friend? What, +for that matter, do I think of him myself?... Are +we simply to reprobate him and deny the possibility +of turning to good account faculties so manifestly +cruel? But I fear there are not a few among us today +who would be bold enough to recognise their +own features in this tale. Will it be possible to invent +some way of employing all this intelligence and +strength? Or must they be altogether outlawed?</i></p> + +<p><i>In what way can Michel serve society? I admit I +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_4">[4]</span>cannot guess.... He must have some occupation. +Will the position and the power you have so deservedly +attained enable you to find one? Make +haste. Michel is still capable of devotion. Yes, he is +so still. But it will soon be only to himself.</i></p> + +<p><i>I am writing to you under a sky of flawless blue; +during the twelve days that Denis, Daniel and myself +have been here, there has not been a single cloud +nor the slightest diminution of sunshine. Michel says +the weather has been of crystalline clearness for the +last two months.</i></p> + +<p><i>I am neither sad nor cheerful; the air here fills one +with a kind of vague excitement and induces a state +as far removed from cheerfulness as it is from sorrow; +perhaps it is happiness.</i></p> + +<p><i>We are staying with Michel; we are anxious not +to leave him; you will understand why when you +have read these pages; so we shall await your reply +here, in his house; lose no time about it.</i></p> + +<p><i>You know what ties of friendship bound Michel, +Denis, Daniel and myself together—a friendship +which was strong even in our school days, but +which every year grew stronger. A kind of pact was +concluded between us four—at the first summons of +any one of us the other three were to hasten. So when +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_5">[5]</span>I received that mysterious signal of alarm from +Michel, I immediately informed Daniel and Denis, +and we all three let everything go and set out.</i></p> + +<p><i>It is three years since we last saw Michel. He had +married and gone travelling with his wife, and at the +time of his last stay in Paris, Denis was in Greece, +Daniel in Russia and I, as you know, looking after +our sick father. We were not, however, without news, +though the account given of him by Silas and Will, +who saw him at that time, was, to say the least, surprising. +He was no longer the learned Puritan of old +days, whose behaviour was made awkward by his +very earnestness, whose clear and simple gaze had +so often checked the looseness of our talk. He was +... but why forestall what his story will tell you?</i></p> + +<p><i>Here is his story then, just as Denis, Daniel and I +heard it. Michel told it us on his terrace, as we were +lying beside him in the dark and the starlight. At the +end of his tale we saw day rising over the plain. +Michel’s house looks down on it and on the village +which is not far off. In the hot weather and with all +its crops reaped, this plain looks like the desert.</i></p> + +<p><i>Michel’s house, though poor and quaint-looking, +is charming. In winter it would be cold, for there is +no glass in the windows—or rather, there are no +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_6">[6]</span>windows, but huge holes in the walls. It is so fine +that we sleep out of doors on mats.</i></p> + +<p><i>Let me add that we had a good journey out. We +arrived here one evening, gasping with heat, intoxicated +with novelty, after having barely stopped on +the way, first at Algiers and then at Constantine. +At Constantine we took a second train to Sidi B. M., +where a little cart was waiting for us. The road comes +to an end some way from the village, which is +perched on the top of a rock, like certain little hill-towns +in Umbria. We climbed up on foot; two mules +took our luggage. Approached by the road, Michel’s +house is the first in the village. It is surrounded by +the low walls of a garden—or rather, an enclosure, in +which there grow three stunted pomegranate-trees +and a superb oleander. A little Kabyle boy ran away +at sight of us and scrambled over the wall without +more ado.</i></p> + +<p><i>Michel showed no signs of pleasure as he welcomed +us; he was very simple and seemed afraid of any +demonstrations of tenderness; but on the threshold, +he stopped and kissed each one of us gravely.</i></p> + +<p><i>Until night came we barely exchanged a dozen +words. An almost excessively frugal dinner was laid +for us in a drawing room where the decorations were +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_7">[7]</span>so sumptuous that we were astonished by them, +though they were afterwards explained by Michel’s +story. Then he served us coffee, which he made a +point of preparing himself; and afterwards we went +up on to the terrace, where the view stretched away +into infinity, and all three of us, like Job’s comforters, +sat down and waited, watching and admiring the +day’s abrupt decline over the incandescent plain.</i></p> + +<p><i>When it was night Michel said:</i></p> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" aria-roledescription="new part"> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_8"></a><a id="Page_9"></a>[9]</span></p> +<div class="chapter"> + <h2 class="nobreak" id="FIRST_PART"> + FIRST PART + </h2> +</div> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_10"></a><a id="Page_11"></a>[11]</span></p> +<div class="chapter"> + <h3 class="nobreak" id="i"> + i + </h3> +</div> + + +<p>My dear friends, I knew you were faithful. You +have answered my summons as quickly as I should +have answered yours. And yet three years have gone +by without your seeing me. May your friendship, +which has been so proof against absence, be equally +proof against the story I am going to tell you. For it +was solely to see you, solely that you might listen to +me, that I called upon you so suddenly and made you +take this journey to my distant abode. The only help +I wish for is this—to talk to you. For I have reached +a point in my life beyond which I cannot go. Not +from weariness though. But I can no longer understand +things. I want ... I want to talk, I tell you. +To know how to free oneself is nothing; the arduous +thing is to know what to do with one’s freedom. Let +me speak of myself; I am going to tell you my life +simply, without modesty and without pride, more +simply than if I were talking to myself. Listen:</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_12">[12]</span></p> + +<p>The last time we saw each other, I remember, was +in the neighbourhood of Angers, in the little country +church in which I was married. There were very few +people at my wedding and the presence of real friends +turned this commonplace function into something +touching. I felt that others were moved and that in +itself was enough to move me. After we left the +church you joined us at my bride’s house for a short +meal, at which there was neither noise nor laughter; +then, she and I drove away in a hired carriage, according +to the custom by which we always have to +associate the idea of a wedding with the vision of a +railway station.</p> + +<p>I knew my wife very little and thought, without being +much distressed by it, that she knew me no better. +I had married her without being in love, greatly +in order to please my father who, as he lay dying, +felt anxious at leaving me alone. I loved my father +dearly; engrossed by his last illness, I had thought +of nothing else all through that melancholy time but +how to make his end easier; and so I pledged my life +before I knew what the possibilities of life were. Our +betrothal took place at my dying father’s bedside, +without laughter but not without a certain grave joy, +so great was the peace it brought him. If, as I say, I +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_13">[13]</span>did not love my betrothed, at any rate I had never +loved any other woman. This seemed to me sufficient +to secure our happiness; and I thought I was giving +her the whole of myself, without having any knowledge +of what that self was. She was an orphan as I +was, and lived with her two brothers. Her name +was Marceline; she was barely twenty; I was four +years older.</p> + +<p>I have said I did not love her—at any rate, I felt +for her nothing of what is generally known as love, +but I loved her, if that word may cover a feeling of +tenderness, a sort of pity, and a considerable measure +of esteem. She was a Catholic and I a Protestant +... but, thought I, so little of a Protestant! The +priest accepted me; I accepted the priest; it all went +off without a hitch.</p> + +<p>My father was what is called an ‘atheist’—at +least, I suppose so, for a kind of invincible shyness, +which I imagine he shared, had always made it impossible +for me to talk to him about his beliefs. The +grave Huguenot teaching which my mother had +given me had slowly faded from my mind together +with the image of her beauty; you know I was +young when I lost her. I did not then suspect how +great a hold the early moral lessons of our childhood +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_14">[14]</span>take of one, nor what marks they leave upon the +mind. That kind of austerity, a taste for which had +been left me by my mother’s bringing up, I now +applied wholly to my studies. I was fifteen when I +lost her; my father took me in hand, looked after +me and instructed me himself with passionate eagerness. +I already knew Latin and Greek well; under +him I quickly learnt Hebrew, Sanskrit, and finally +Persian and Arabic. When I was about twenty I had +been so intensively forced that he actually made me +his collaborator. It amused him to claim me as his +equal and he wanted to show me he was right. The +<i>Essay on Phrygian Cults</i> which appeared under his +name was in reality my work; he scarcely read it +over; nothing he had written ever brought him so +much praise. He was delighted. As for me I was a +little abashed by the success of this deception. But +my reputation was made. The most learned scholars +treated me as their colleague. I smile now at all the +honours that were paid me.... And so I reached +the age of twenty-five, having barely cast a glance +at anything but books and ruins, and knowing +nothing of life; I spent all my fervour in my work. +I loved a few friends (you were among them), but +it was not so much my friends I loved as friendship—it +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_15">[15]</span>was a craving for high-mindedness that made my +devotion to them so great; I cherished in myself each +and all of my fine feelings. For the rest, I knew my +friends as little as I knew myself. The idea that I +might have lived a different existence or that anyone +could possibly live differently never for a moment +crossed my mind.</p> + +<p>My father and I were satisfied with simple things; +we both of us spent so little that I reached the age of +twenty-five without knowing that we were rich. I +imagined, without giving it much thought, that we +had just enough to live on. And the habits of economy +I had acquired with my father were so great +that I felt almost uncomfortable when I learnt we +had a great deal more. I was so careless about such +matters that even after my father’s death, though I +was his sole heir, I failed to realize the extent of my +fortune; I did so only when our marriage settlements +were being drawn up and at the same time I +learnt that Marceline brought me next to nothing.</p> + +<p>And another thing I was ignorant of—even more +important perhaps—was that I had very delicate +health. How should I have known this, when I had +never put it to the test? I had colds from time to +time and neglected them. The excessive tranquillity of +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_16">[16]</span>the life I led weakened, while at the same time it +protected me. Marceline, on the contrary, seemed +strong—that she was stronger than I we were very +soon to learn.</p> + +<hr class="tb" aria-roledescription="thought break"> + +<p>On our wedding-day, we went straight to Paris and +slept in my apartment where two rooms had been got +ready for us. We stayed in Paris only just long enough +to do some necessary shopping, then took the train +to Marseilles and embarked at once for Tunis.</p> + +<p>So many urgent things to be done, so many bewildering +events following each other in too rapid +succession, the unavoidable agitation of my wedding +coming so soon after the more genuine emotion caused +by my father’s death—all of this had left me exhausted. +It was only on the boat that I was able to +realize how tired I was. Up till then, every occupation, +while increasing my fatigue, had distracted me +from feeling it. The enforced leisure on board ship +at last enabled me to reflect. For the first time, so it +seemed to me.</p> + +<p>It was for the first time too that I had consented to +forgo my work for any length of time. Up till then I +had only allowed myself short holidays. A journey to +Spain with my father shortly after my mother’s +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_17">[17]</span>death had, it is true, lasted over a month; another +to Germany, six weeks; there were others too, but +they had all been student’s journeys; my father was +never to be distracted from his own particular researches; +when I was not accompanying him, I used +to read. And yet, we had hardly left Marseilles, when +memories came back to me of Granada and Seville, +of a purer sky, of franker shadows, of dances, of +laughter, of songs. That is what we are going to +find, I thought. I went up on to the deck and watched +Marseilles disappearing in the distance.</p> + +<p>Then, suddenly, it occurred to me that I was leaving +Marceline a little too much to herself.</p> + +<p>She was sitting in the bows; I drew near, and for +the first time really looked at her.</p> + +<p>Marceline was very pretty. You saw her, so you +know. I reproached myself for not having noticed it +sooner. I had known her too long to see her with any +freshness of vision; our families had been friends for +ages; I had seen her grow up; I was accustomed to +her grace.... For the first time now I was struck +with astonishment, it seemed to me so great.</p> + +<p>She wore a big veil, floating from a simple black +straw hat; she was fair, but did not look delicate. +Her bodice and skirt were made of the same material—a +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_18">[18]</span>Scotch plaid which we had chosen together. I +had not wanted the gloom of my mourning to overshadow +her.</p> + +<p>She felt I was looking at her and turned towards +me ... up till then I had only paid her the necessary +official attentions; I replaced love as best I +could by a kind of frigid gallantry, which I saw well +enough she found rather tiresome; perhaps at that +moment Marceline felt I was looking at her for the +first time in a different way. She, in her turn looked +fixedly at me; then, very tenderly, smiled. I sat down +beside her without speaking. I had lived up till then +for myself alone, or at any rate in my own fashion; I +had married without imagining I should find in my +wife anything different from a comrade, without +thinking at all definitely that my life might be +changed by our union. And now at last I realized that +the monologue had come to an end.</p> + +<p>We were alone on deck. She held up her face and +I gently pressed her to me; she raised her eyes; I +kissed her on the eyelids and suddenly felt as I kissed +her an unfamiliar kind of pity, which took hold of +me so violently that I could not restrain my tears.</p> + +<p>“What is it, dear?” said Marceline.</p> + +<p>We began to talk. What she said was so charming +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_19">[19]</span>that it delighted me. I had picked up in one way or +another a few ideas on women’s silliness. That +evening, in her presence, it was myself I thought +awkward and stupid.</p> + +<p>So the being to whom I had attached my life had +a real and individual life of her own! The importance +of this thought woke me up several times during the +night; several times I sat up in my berth in order to +look at Marceline, my wife, asleep in the berth below.</p> + +<p>The next morning the sky was splendid; the sea +almost perfectly calm. A few leisurely talks lessened +our shyness still more. Marriage was really beginning. +On the morning of the last day of October we landed +in Tunis.</p> + +<hr class="tb" aria-roledescription="thought break"> + +<p>I intended to stay there only a few days. I will +confess my folly; in so new a country nothing attracted +me except Carthage and a few Roman ruins—Timgad, +about which Octave had spoken to me, the +mosaics of Sousse, and above all the amphitheatre of +El Djem, which I decided we must visit without delay. +We had first to get to Sousse, and from Sousse +take the mail diligence; between this and then I was +determined to think nothing worth my attention.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_20">[20]</span></p> + +<p>And yet Tunis surprised me greatly. At the touch +of new sensations, certain portions of me awoke—certain +sleeping faculties, which, from not having as +yet been used, had kept all their mysterious freshness. +But I was more astonished, more bewildered +than amused, and what pleased me most was Marceline’s +delight.</p> + +<p>My fatigue in the meantime was growing greater +every day; but I should have thought it shameful +to give in to it. I had a bad cough and a curious +feeling of discomfort in the upper part of my chest. +We are going towards the South, I thought; the +heat will put me to rights again.</p> + +<p>The Sfax diligence leaves Sousse at eight o’clock +in the evening and passes through El Djem at one +o’clock in the morning. We had engaged coupé +places; I expected to find an uncomfortable shandrydan; +the seats, however, were fairly commodious. +But oh, the cold!... We were both lightly clad and, +with a kind of childish confidence in the warmth of +southern climes, had taken no wrap with us but a +single shawl. As soon as we were out of Sousse and +the shelter of its hills, the wind began to blow. It +leapt over the plain in great bounds, howling, whistling, +coming in by every chink of the door and +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_21">[21]</span>windows—impossible to protect oneself from it! We +were both chilled to the bone when we arrived and +I exhausted as well by the jolting of the carriage and +by my horrible cough which shook me even worse. +What a night! When we got to El Djem, there was +no inn, nothing but a frightful native <i>bordj</i>. What +was to be done? The diligence was going on; the village +was asleep; the lugubrious mass of the ruins +lowered dimly through the dark immensity of the +night; dogs were howling. We went into a room whose +walls and floor were made of mud and in which +stood two wretched beds. Marceline was shivering +with cold, but here at any rate, we were out of the +wind.</p> + +<p>The next day was a dismal one. We were surprised +on going out to see a sky that was one unrelieved +grey. The wind was still blowing, but less violently +than the night before. The diligence only passed +through again in the evening.... It was a dismal +day, I tell you. I went over the amphitheatre in a +few minutes and found it disappointing; I thought +it actually ugly under that dreary sky. Perhaps my +fatigue added to my feeling of tedium. Towards the +middle of the day, as I had nothing else to do, I went +back to the ruins and searched in vain for inscriptions +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_22">[22]</span>on the stones. Marceline found a place that was +sheltered from the wind and sat reading an English +book, which by good luck she had brought with her. +I went and sat beside her.</p> + +<p>“What a melancholy day!” I said. “Aren’t you +bored?”</p> + +<p>“Not particularly. I am reading.”</p> + +<p>“What made us come to such a place? I hope you +are not cold, are you?”</p> + +<p>“Not so very. And you? Oh, you must be. How +pale you are!”</p> + +<p>“No, oh no!”</p> + +<p>At night, the wind began again as violently as +ever.... At last the diligence arrived. We started.</p> + +<p>No sooner did the jolting begin than I felt shattered. +Marceline, who was very tired, had gone to +sleep almost at once on my shoulder. My cough will +wake her, I thought, and freeing myself very, very +gently, I propped her head against the side of the carriage. +In the mean time I had stopped coughing; +yes; I had begun to spit instead; this was something +new; I brought it up without an effort; it came in +little jerks at regular intervals; the sensation was so +odd that at first it almost amused me, but I was soon +disgusted by the peculiar taste it left in my mouth. +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_23">[23]</span>My handkerchief was very soon used up. My fingers +were covered with it. Should I wake up Marceline?... +Fortunately I thought of a large silk foulard +she was wearing tucked into her belt. I took possession +of it quietly. The spitting, which I no longer tried +to keep back, came more abundantly and I was +extraordinarily relieved by it. It is the end of my +cold, I thought. Then, there suddenly came over me +a feeling of extreme weakness; everything began to +spin round and I thought I was going to faint. Should +I wake her up?... No, shame!... (My puritanical +childhood has left me, I think, a hatred of any +surrender to bodily weakness—cowardice, I call it.) +I controlled myself, made a desperate effort and +finally conquered my giddiness.... I felt as if I +were at sea again, and the noise of the wheels turned +into the sound of the waves.... But I had stopped +spitting.</p> + +<p>Then I sank, overpowered, into a sort of sleep.</p> + +<p>When I emerged from it, the sky was already filling +with dawn. Marceline was still asleep. We were just +getting to Sousse. The foulard I was holding in my +hand was dark-coloured, so that at first I saw nothing; +but when I took out my handkerchief, I saw +with stupefaction that it was soaked with blood.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_24">[24]</span></p> + +<p>My first thought was to hide the blood from Marceline. +But how? I was covered with it; it seemed to +be everywhere; on my fingers especially.... My +nose might perhaps have been bleeding.... That’s +it! If she asks me, I shall say my nose has been +bleeding.</p> + +<p>Marceline was still asleep. We drew up at the +Sousse hotel. She had to get down first and saw nothing. +Our two rooms had been kept for us. I was able +to dart into mine and wash away every trace of blood. +Marceline had seen nothing.</p> + +<p>I was feeling very weak, however, and ordered +some tea to be brought. And as she was pouring it +out, a little pale herself, but very calm and smiling, +a kind of irritation seized me to think she had not +had the sense to see anything. I felt indeed I was +being unjust, and said to myself that she only saw +nothing, because I had hidden it from her so cleverly; +but I couldn’t help it—the feeling grew in me like +an instinct, filled me ... and at last it became too +strong; I could contain myself no longer; the words +slipped out, as though absent-mindedly:</p> + +<p>“I spat blood last night.”</p> + +<p>She did not utter a sound; she simply turned much +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_25">[25]</span>paler, tottered, tried to save herself and fell heavily +to the ground.</p> + +<p>I sprang to her in a sort of fury: “Marceline! Marceline!” +What on earth had I done? Wasn’t it enough +for <em>me</em> to be ill? But, as I have said, I was very weak; +I was on the point of fainting myself. I managed, +however, to open the door and call. Someone hurried +to our help.</p> + +<p>I remembered I had a letter of introduction to an +officer in the town, and on the strength of this I sent +for the regimental doctor.</p> + +<p>Marceline in the meantime had recovered herself +and settled down at my bedside, where I lay, shivering +with fever. The doctor came and examined us +both; there was nothing the matter with Marceline, +he declared, and she had not been hurt by her fall; +<em>I</em> was seriously ill; he refused to give a definite opinion +and promised to come back before evening.</p> + +<p>He came back, smiled at me, talked to me and +prescribed various remedies. I realized that he gave +me up for lost. Shall I confess that I felt not the +least shock? I was very tired, I simply let myself go. +‘After all, what had life to offer? I had worked faithfully +to the end, resolutely and passionately done +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_26">[26]</span>my duty. The rest ... oh! what did it matter?’ +thought I, with a certain admiration of my own +stoicism. What really pained me was the ugliness of +my surroundings. ‘This hotel room is frightful,’ I +thought and looked at it. Suddenly it occurred to me +that in a like room next door was my wife, Marceline; +and I heard her speaking. The doctor had not +gone; he was talking to her; he was studiously lowering +his voice. A little time went by—I must have +slept....</p> + +<p>When I woke up, Marceline was there. I could see +she had been crying. I did not care for life enough +to pity myself; but the ugliness of the place vexed +me; my eyes rested on her with a pleasure that was almost +voluptuous.</p> + +<p>She was sitting by me writing. I thought she looked +very pretty. I saw her fasten up several letters. Then +she got up, drew near my bed and took my hand +tenderly.</p> + +<p>“How are you feeling now?” she asked. I smiled +and said sadly:</p> + +<p>“Shall I get better?” But she answered at once, +“You <em>shall</em> get better” with such passionate conviction +that it almost brought conviction to me too, and +there came over me a kind of confused feeling of all +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_27">[27]</span>that life might mean, of Marceline’s own love—a +vague vision of such pathetic beauties that the tears +started from my eyes and I wept long and helplessly +without trying or wanting to stop.</p> + +<p>With what loving violence she managed to get +me away from Sousse! How charmingly she protected +me, helped me, nursed me! From Sousse to +Tunis, from Tunis to Constantine, Marceline was +admirable. It was at Biskra I was to get well. Her +confidence was perfect; never for a single moment +did her zeal slacken. She settled everything, arranged +the starts, engaged the rooms. It was not in her power, +alas! to make the journey less horrible. Several times +I thought I should have to stop and give up. I sweated +mortally; I gasped for breath; at times I lost consciousness. +At the end of the third day, I arrived at +Biskra more dead than alive.</p> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" aria-roledescription="new chapter"> +<div class="chapter"> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_28">[28]</span></p> + + + <h3 class="nobreak" id="ii"> + ii + </h3> +</div> + + +<p>Why speak of those first days? What remains of +them? Their frightful memory has no tongue. I lost +all knowledge of who or where I was. I can only +see Marceline, my wife, my life, bending over the +bed where I lay agonizing. I know that her passionate +care, her love alone, saved me. One day, at last, +like a ship-wrecked mariner who catches sight of +land, I felt a gleam of life revisit me; I was able to +smile at Marceline. Why should I recall all this? +What is important is that Death had touched me, as +people say, with its wing. What is important is that +I came to think it a very astonishing thing to be +alive, that every day shone for me, an unhoped-for +light. Before, thought I, I did not understand I was +alive. The thrilling discovery of life was to be mine.</p> + +<p>The day came when I was able to get up. I was +utterly enchanted by our home. It was almost nothing +but a terrace. What a terrace! My room and +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_29">[29]</span>Marceline’s opened out on to it; at the further end it +was continued over roofs. From the highest part, one +saw palm-trees above the houses; and above the palm-trees, +the desert. On the other side, the terrace adjoined +the public gardens and was shaded by the branches of +the nearest cassias; lastly, it ran along one side of the +courtyard—a small, regular courtyard, planted regularly +with six palm-trees—and came to an end with +the staircase that led down to the courtyard. My +room was spacious and airy; the walls were bare and +whitewashed; a little door led to Marceline’s room; a +large door with glass panes opened on to the terrace.</p> + +<p>There the hourless days slipped by. How often in +my solitude those slow-slipping days come back to +me!... Marceline sits beside me. She is reading, +or sewing, or writing. I am doing nothing—just looking +at her. O Marceline! Marceline!... I look. I +see the sun; I see the shadow; I see the line of shadow +moving; I have so little to think of that I watch it. +I am still very weak; my breathing is very bad; +everything tires me—even reading; besides, what +should I read? Existing is occupation enough.</p> + +<hr class="tb" aria-roledescription="thought break"> + +<p>One morning Marceline came in laughing.</p> + +<p>“I have brought you a friend,” she said, and I saw +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_30">[30]</span>come in behind her a little dark-complexioned Arab. +His name was Bachir and he had large silent eyes +that looked at me. They made me feel embarrassed, +and that was enough to tire me. I said nothing, only +looked cross. The child, disconcerted by the coldness +of my reception, turned to Marceline and, with the +coaxing grace of a little animal, nestled up against +her, took her hand and kissed it, showing his bare +arms as he did so. I noticed that under his thin, white +gandourah and patched burnous, he was naked.</p> + +<p>“Come, sit down there,” said Marceline, who had +noticed my shyness. “Amuse yourself quietly.”</p> + +<p>The little fellow sat down on the floor, took a +knife and a piece of djerid wood out of the hood of +his burnous, and began to slice at it. I think it was a +whistle he was trying to make.</p> + +<p>After a little time, I ceased to feel uncomfortable. +I looked at him; he seemed to have forgotten where +he was. His feet were bare; he had charmingly turned +ankles and wrists. He handled his wretched knife +with amusing dexterity.... Was this really going +to interest me?... His hair was shaved Arab fashion; +he wore a shabby chechia on his head with a +hole in the place of the tassel. His gandourah, which +had slipped down a little, showed his delicate little +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_31">[31]</span>shoulder. I wanted to touch it. I bent down; he turned +round and smiled at me. I signed to him to pass me +his whistle, took it and pretended to admire it. After +a time he said he must go. Marceline gave him a +cake and I a penny.</p> + +<p>The next day, for the first time, I felt dull. I seemed +to be expecting something. Expecting what? I was +listless, restless. At last I could resist no longer.</p> + +<p>“Isn’t Bachir coming this morning, Marceline?”</p> + +<p>“If you like, I’ll fetch him.”</p> + +<p>She left me and went out; after a little she came +back alone. What kind of thing had illness made me +that I should have felt inclined to cry at seeing her +return without Bachir?</p> + +<p>“It was too late,” she said, “the children had come +out of school and dispersed. Some of them are really +charming. I think they all know me now.”</p> + +<p>“Well, at any rate, try and get him to come tomorrow.”</p> + +<p>Next morning Bachir came back. He sat down in +the same way he had done two days before, took out +his knife and tried to carve his bit of wood, but it +was too hard for him and he finally managed to stick +the blade into his thumb. I shuddered with horror, +but he laughed, held out his hand for me to see the +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_32">[32]</span>glistening cut and looked amused at the sight of his +blood running. When he laughed, he showed very +white teeth; he licked his cut complacently and his +tongue was as pink as a cat’s. Ah! how well he looked! +That was what I had fallen in love with—his health. +The health of that little body was a beautiful thing.</p> + +<p>The day after he brought some marbles. He wanted +to make me play. Marceline was out or she would +have prevented me. I hesitated and looked at Bachir; +the little fellow seized my arm, put the marbles into +my hand, forced me. The attitude of stooping made +me very breathless, but I tried to play all the same. +Bachir’s pleasure charmed me. At last, however, it +was too much for me. I was in a profuse perspiration. +I pushed aside the marbles and dropped into an armchair. +Bachir, somewhat disturbed, looked at me.</p> + +<p>“Ill?” said he sweetly; the quality of his voice +was exquisite. Marceline came back at that moment.</p> + +<p>“Take him away,” I said, “I am tired this morning.”</p> + +<p>A few hours later I had a hemorrhage. It was while +I was taking a laborious walk up and down the terrace; +Marceline was busy in her room and fortunately +saw nothing. My breathlessness had made me +take a deeper respiration than usual and the thing +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_33">[33]</span>had suddenly come. It had filled my mouth.... +But it was no longer bright, clear blood as on the +first occasion. It was a frightful great clot which I +spat on to the ground in disgust.</p> + +<p>I took a few tottering steps. I was horribly upset. +I was frightened; I was angry. For up till then I had +thought that, step by step, recovery was on the way, +and that I had nothing to do but wait for it. This +brutal accident had thrown me back. The strange +thing is that the first hemorrhage had not affected me +so much. I now remembered it had left me almost +calm. What was the reason of my fear, my horror +now? Alas! it was because I had begun to love life.</p> + +<p>I returned on my steps, bent down, found the clot, +and with a piece of straw picked it up and put it on +my handkerchief. It was hideous, almost black in +colour, sticky, slimy, horrible.... I thought of +Bachir’s beautiful, brilliant flow of blood.... And +suddenly I was seized with a desire, a craving, something +more furious and more imperious than I had +ever felt before—to live! I want to live! I <em>will</em> live. +I clenched my teeth, my hands, concentrated my +whole being in this wild, grief-stricken endeavour +after existence.</p> + +<p>The day before, I had received a letter from +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_34">[34]</span>T..., written in answer to Marceline’s anxious +enquiries; it was full of medical advice; T... had +even accompanied his letter with one or two little +popular medical pamphlets and a book of a more +technical nature, which for that reason seemed to me +more serious. I had read the letter carelessly and the +printed matter not at all; in the first place I was set +against the pamphlets because of their likeness to the +moral tracts that used to tease me in my childhood; +and then too every kind of advice was irksome to +me; and besides, I did not think that <i>Advice to +Tuberculous Patients</i> or <i>How to Cure Tuberculosis</i> +in any way concerned me. I did not think I was +tuberculous. I inclined to attribute my first hemorrhage +to a different cause; or rather, to tell the +truth, I did not attribute it to anything; I avoided +thinking of it, hardly thought of it at all, and considered +myself, if not cured altogether, at least very +nearly so.... I read the letter; I devoured the +book, the pamphlets. Suddenly, with shocking clearness, +it became evident to me that I had not been +treating myself properly. Hitherto, I had let myself +live passively, trusting to the vaguest of hopes; suddenly +I perceived my life was attacked—attacked in +its very centre. An active host of enemies was living +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_35">[35]</span>within me. I listened to them; I spied on them; I +felt them. I should not vanquish them without a +struggle ... and I added half aloud, as if better to +convince myself, “It is a matter of will.”</p> + +<p>I put myself in a state of hostility.</p> + +<p>Evening was closing in; I planned my strategy. +For some time to come, my recovery was to be my +one and only concern; my duty was my health; I +must think good, I must call right everything that +was salutary to me, forget everything that did not +contribute to my cure. Before the evening meal, I +had decided on my measures with regard to breathing, +exercise and nourishment.</p> + +<p>We used to take our meals in a sort of little kiosk +that was surrounded by the terrace on all sides. We +were alone, quiet, far from everything, and the intimacy +of our meals was delightful. An old negro used +to bring us our food, which was tolerable, from a +neighbouring hotel. Marceline superintended the +menus, ordered one dish or rejected another.... +Not having much appetite as a rule, I did not mind +particularly when the dishes were a failure or the +menu insufficient. Marceline, who was herself a small +eater, did not know, did not realize that I was not +taking enough food. To eat a great deal was the first +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_36">[36]</span>of my new resolutions. I intended to put it into execution +that very evening. I was not able to. We had +some sort of uneatable hash, and then a bit of roast +meat which was absurdly overdone.</p> + +<p>My irritation was so great that I vented it upon +Marceline and let myself go in a flood of intemperate +words. I blamed her; to listen to me, it was as though +she were responsible for the badness of the food. This +slight delay in starting on the régime I had decided +to adopt, seemed of the gravest importance; I forgot +the preceding days; the failure of this one meal +spoilt everything. I persisted obstinately. Marceline +had to go into the town to buy a tin or a jar of anything +she could find.</p> + +<p>She soon came back with a little terrine, of which +I devoured almost the whole contents, as though to +prove to us both how much I was in need of more +food.</p> + +<p>That same evening we settled on the following +plan: the meals were to be much better and there +were to be more of them—one every three hours, beginning +as early as half-past six in the morning. An +abundant provision of every kind of tinned food was +to supplement the deficiencies of the hotel menus.</p> + +<p>I could not sleep that night, so excited was I by +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_37">[37]</span>the vision of my future virtues. I was, I think, a little +feverish; there was a bottle of mineral water beside +me; I drank a glass, two glasses; the third time, I +drank out of the bottle itself and emptied it at a +draught. I strengthened my will as one strengthens +one’s memory by revising a lesson; I instructed my +hostility, directed it against all and sundry; I was to +fight with everything; my salvation depended on +myself alone.</p> + +<p>At last I saw the night begin to pale, another +day had dawned.</p> + +<p>It had been my night of vigil before the battle.</p> + +<p>The next day was Sunday. Must I confess that so +far I had paid very little attention to Marceline’s +religious beliefs? Either from indifference or delicacy, +it seemed to me they were no business of mine; +and then I did not attach much importance to them. +That morning Marceline went to Mass. When she +came back, she told me she had been praying for me. +I looked at her fixedly and then said as gently as +I could:</p> + +<p>“You mustn’t pray for me, Marceline.”</p> + +<p>“Why not?” she asked, a little troubled.</p> + +<p>“I don’t want favours.”</p> + +<p>“Do you reject the help of God?”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_38">[38]</span></p> + +<p>“He would have a right to my gratitude afterwards. +It entails obligations. I don’t like them.”</p> + +<p>To all appearance we were trifling, but we made +no mistake as to the importance of our words.</p> + +<p>“You will not get well all by yourself, my poor +dear,” she sighed.</p> + +<p>“If so, it can’t be helped.” Then, seeing how unhappy +she looked, I added less roughly:</p> + +<p>“You will help me.”</p> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" aria-roledescription="new chapter"> +<div class="chapter"> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_39">[39]</span></p> + + + <h3 class="nobreak" id="iii"> + iii + </h3> +</div> + + +<p>I am going to speak at length of my body. I shall +speak of it so much you will think at first I have forgotten +my soul. This omission, as I tell you my +story, is intentional; out there, it was a fact. I had +not strength enough to keep up a double life. “I will +think of the spirit and that side of things later,” I +said to myself, “—when I get better.”</p> + +<p>I was still far from being well. The slightest thing +put me into a perspiration; the slightest thing gave +me a cold; my breath was short; sometimes I +had a little fever, and often, from early morning, +oppressed by a dreadful feeling of lassitude, I remained +prostrate in an armchair, indifferent to +everything, self-centred, solely occupied in trying +to breathe properly. I breathed laboriously, methodically, +carefully; my expiration came in two +jerks which, with the greatest effort of my will, I +could only partially control; for a long time to come, +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_40">[40]</span>I still had need of all my attention to avoid this.</p> + +<p>But what troubled me most was my morbid sensibility +to changes of temperature. I think, when I +come to reflect on it today, that, in addition to my illness, +I was suffering from a general nervous derangement. +I cannot otherwise explain a series of phenomena +which it seems to me impossible to attribute +entirely to a simple condition of tuberculosis. I was +always either too hot or too cold; I put on a ridiculous +number of clothes, and only stopped shivering when I +began to perspire; then, directly I took anything off, +I shivered as soon as I stopped perspiring. Certain +portions of my body would turn as cold as ice and, +in spite of perspiration, felt like marble to the touch; +nothing would warm them. I was so sensitive to cold +that if a little water dropped on my feet while I was +washing, it gave me a relapse; I was equally sensitive +to heat.... This sensibility I kept and still +keep, but now it gives me exquisite enjoyment. Any +very keen sensibility may, I believe, according as the +organism is robust or weakly, become a source of delight +or discomfort. Everything which formerly distressed +me is now a delicious pleasure.</p> + +<p>I do not know how I had managed to sleep up till +then with my windows shut; in accordance with +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_41">[41]</span>T...’s advice, I now tried keeping them open at +night; a little at first; soon I flung them wide; soon +it became a habit, a need so great that directly the +window was shut, I felt stifled. Later on, with what +rapture was I to feel the night wind blow, the moon +shine in upon me!...</p> + +<p>But I am anxious to have done with these first +stammerings after health. Indeed, thanks to constant +attention, to pure air, to better food, I soon began +to improve. Up till then, my breathlessness had made +me dread the stairs and I had not dared to leave the +terrace; in the last days of January I at last went +down and ventured into the garden.</p> + +<p>Marceline came with me, carrying a shawl. It was +three o’clock in the afternoon. The wind, which is +often violent in those parts and which I had found +particularly unpleasant during the last few days, had +dropped. The air was soft and charming.</p> + +<p>The public gardens!... A very wide path runs +through the middle of them, shaded by two rows of +that kind of very tall mimosa, that out there is +called cassia. Benches are placed in the shadow of +the trees. A canalized river—one, I mean, that is not +wide so much as deep, and almost straight—flows +alongside the path; other smaller channels take the +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_42">[42]</span>water from the river and convey it through the gardens +to the plants; the thick, heavy-looking water is +the same colour as the earth—the colour of pinkish, +greyish clay. Hardly any foreigners walk here—only +a few Arabs; as they pass out of the sunlight, +their white cloaks take on the colour of the shade.</p> + +<p>I felt an odd shiver come over me as I stepped into +that strange shade; I wrapped my shawl tighter about +me; but it was not an unpleasant sensation; on the +contrary. We sat down on a bench. Marceline was +silent. Some Arabs passed by; then came a troop of +children. Marceline knew several of them; she signed +to them and they came up to us. She told me some of +their names; questions and answers passed, smiles, +pouts, little jokes. It all rather irritated me and my +feeling of embarrassment returned. I was tired and +perspiring. But, must I confess that what made me +most uncomfortable was not the children’s presence—it +was Marceline’s. Yes; however slightly, she was +in my way. If I had got up, she would have followed +me; if I had taken off my shawl, she would have +wanted to carry it; if I had put it on again, she would +have said, “Are you cold?” And then, as to talking +to the children, I didn’t dare to before her; I saw she +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_43">[43]</span>had her favourites; I, in spite of myself, but deliberately, +took more interest in the others.</p> + +<p>“Let us go in,” I said at last. And I privately resolved +to come back to the gardens alone.</p> + +<p>The next day, she had to go out about ten o’clock; +I took advantage of this. Little Bachir, who rarely +failed to come of a morning, carried my shawl; I felt +active, light-hearted. We were almost alone in the +garden path; I walked slowly, sometimes sat down +for a moment, then started off again. Bachir followed, +chattering; as faithful and as obsequious as +a dog. I reached a part of the canal where the washerwomen +come down to wash; there was a flat stone +placed in the middle of the stream, and upon it lay a +little girl, face downwards, dabbling with her hand +in the water; she was busy throwing little odds and +ends of sticks and grass into the water and picking +them out again. Her bare feet had dipped in the +water; there were still traces of wet on them and +there her skin showed darker. Bachir went up and +spoke to her; she turned round, gave me a smile and +answered Bachir in Arabic. “She is my sister,” he +explained; then he said his mother was coming to +wash some clothes and that his little sister was waiting +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_44">[44]</span>for her. She was called Rhadra in Arabic, which +meant ‘Green.’ He said all this in a voice that was as +charming, as clear, as childlike, as the emotion I felt +in hearing it.</p> + +<p>“She wants you to give her two sous,” he added.</p> + +<p>I gave her fifty centimes and prepared to go on, +when the mother, the washerwoman, came up. She +was a magnificent, heavily built woman, with a high +forehead tatooed in blue; she was carrying a basket +of linen on her head and was like a Greek caryatid, +like a caryatid too, she was simply draped in a wide +piece of dark blue stuff, lifted at the girdle and falling +straight to the feet.</p> + +<p>As soon as she saw Bachir, she called out to him +roughly. He made an angry answer; the little girl +joined in and the three of them started a violent dispute. +At last Bachir seemed defeated and explained +that his mother wanted him that morning; he handed +me my shawl sadly and I was obliged to go off by +myself.</p> + +<p>I had not taken twenty paces when my shawl began +to feel unendurably heavy. I sat down, perspiring, +on the first bench I came to. I hoped some other +boy would come along and relieve me of my burden. +The one who soon appeared and who offered to carry +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_45">[45]</span>it of his own accord, was a big boy about fourteen +years old, as black as a Soudanese and not in the +least shy. His name was Ashour. I should have +thought him handsome, but that he was blind of one +eye. He liked talking; told me where the river came +from, and that after running through the public +gardens, it flowed into the oasis, which it traversed +from end to end. As I listened to him, I forgot my +fatigue. Charming as I thought Bachir, I knew him +too well by now, and I was glad of a change. I even +promised myself to come to the gardens all alone +another day and sit on a bench and wait for what +some lucky chance might bring....</p> + +<p>After a few more short rests, Ashour and I arrived +at my door. I wanted to invite him to come in, but +I was afraid to, not knowing what Marceline would +say.</p> + +<p>I found her in the dining-room, busied over a very +small boy, so frail and sickly looking that my first +feeling was one of disgust rather than pity. Marceline +said rather timidly:</p> + +<p>“The poor little thing is ill.”</p> + +<p>“It’s not infectious, I hope. What’s the matter with +him?”</p> + +<p>“I don’t exactly know yet. He complains of feeling +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_46">[46]</span>ill all over. He speaks very little French. When +Bachir comes tomorrow, he will be able to interpret.... +I am making him a little tea.”</p> + +<p>Then, as if in excuse, and because I stood there +without saying anything, “I’ve known him a long +time,” she added. “I haven’t dared bring him in before; +I was afraid of tiring you, or perhaps vexing +you.”</p> + +<p>“Why in the world!” I cried. “Bring in all the children +you like, if it amuses you!” And I thought, with +a little irritation at not having done so, that I might +have perfectly well brought up Ashour.</p> + +<p>And yet, as I thought this, I looked at my wife; +how maternal and caressing she was! Her tenderness +was so touching that the little fellow went off warm +and comforted. I spoke of my walk and gently explained +to Marceline why I preferred going out +alone.</p> + +<p>At that time, my nights were generally disturbed +by my constantly waking with a start—either frozen +with cold or bathed in sweat. That night was a very +good one. I hardly woke up at all. The next morning, +I was ready to go out by nine o’clock. It was +fine; I felt rested, not weak, happy—or rather, +amused. The air was calm and warm, but nevertheless, +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_47">[47]</span>I took my shawl to serve as a pretext for making +acquaintance with the boy who might turn up to +carry it. I have said that the garden ran alongside +our terrace, so that I reached it in a moment. It was +with rapture I passed into its shade. The air was +luminous. The cassias, whose flowers come very +early, before their leaves, gave out a delicious scent—or +was it from all around me that came the faint, +strange perfume, which seemed to enter me by several +senses at once and which so uplifted me? I was +breathing more easily too, and so I walked more +lightly; and yet at the first bench I sat down, but it +was because I was excited—dazzled—rather than +tired.</p> + +<p>I looked. The shadows were transparent and mobile; +they did not fall upon the ground—seemed +barely to rest on it. Light! Oh, light!</p> + +<p>I listened. What did I hear? Nothing; everything; +every sound amused me.</p> + +<p>I remember a shrub some way off whose bark +looked of such a curious texture, that I felt obliged +to go and feel it. My touch was a caress; it gave me +rapture. I remember.... Was that the morning +that was at last to give me birth?</p> + +<p>I had forgotten I was alone, and sat on, expecting +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_48">[48]</span>nothing, waiting for no-one, forgetting the time. +Up till that day, so it seemed to me, I had felt so +little and thought so much, that now I was astonished +to find my sensations had become as strong as my +thoughts.</p> + +<p>I say, “it <em>seemed</em> to me,” for from the depths of +my past childhood, there now awoke in me the glimmerings +of a thousand lost sensations. The fact that +I was once more aware of my senses enabled me to +give them a half fearful recognition. Yes; my reawakened +senses now remembered a whole ancient +history of their own—recomposed for themselves a +vanished past. They were alive! Alive! They had +never ceased to live; they discovered that even during +those early studious years they had been living +their own latent, cunning life.</p> + +<p>I met no-one that day, and I was glad of it; I took +out of my pocket a little Homer, which I had not +opened since Marseilles, re-read three lines of the +Odyssey and learnt them by heart; then, finding in +their rhythm enough to satisfy me, I dwelt on them +awhile with leisurely delight, shut the book, and sat +still, trembling, more alive than I had thought it +possible to be, my mind benumbed with happiness....</p> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" aria-roledescription="new chapter"> +<div class="chapter"> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_49">[49]</span></p> + + + <h3 class="nobreak" id="iv"> + iv + </h3> +</div> + + +<p>In the meantime, Marceline, who saw with delight +that my health was at last improving, had +lately begun telling me about the marvellous orchards +of the oasis. She was fond of the open air and outdoor +exercise. My illness left her enough spare time +for long walks, from which she returned glowing +with enthusiasm; so far she had not said much about +them, as she did not dare invite me to go with her +and was afraid of depressing me by an account of +delights I was not yet fit to enjoy. But now that I +was better, she counted on their attraction to complete +my recovery. The pleasure I was again beginning +to take in walking and looking about me +tempted me to join her. And the next morning we +set out together.</p> + +<p>She led the way along a path so odd that I have +never in any country seen its like. It meanders indolently +between two fairly high mud walls; the +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_50">[50]</span>shape of the gardens they enclose directs its leisurely +course; sometimes it winds; sometimes it is broken; +a sudden turning as you enter it and you lose your +bearings; you cease to know where you came from +or where you are going. The water of the river follows +the path faithfully and runs alongside one of +the walls; the walls are made of the same earth as +the path—the same as that of the whole oasis—a +pinkish or soft grey clay, which is turned a little +darker by the water, which the burning sun crackles, +which hardens in the heat and softens with the first +shower, so that it becomes a plastic soil that keeps the +imprint of every naked foot. Above the walls, show +palm-trees. Wood-pigeons went flying into them as +we came up. Marceline looked at me.</p> + +<p>I forgot my discomfort and fatigue. I walked on in +a sort of ecstasy, of silent joy, of elation of the senses +and the flesh. At that moment there came a gentle +breath of wind; all the palms waved and we saw the +tallest of the trees bending; then the whole air grew +calm again, and I distinctly heard, coming from behind +the wall, the song of a flute. A breach in the +wall; we went in.</p> + +<p>It was a place full of light and shade; tranquil; it +seemed beyond the touch of time; full of silence; full +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_51">[51]</span>of rustlings—the soft noise of running water that +feeds the palms and slips from tree to tree, the quiet +call of the pigeons, the song of the flute the boy was +playing. He was sitting, almost naked, on the trunk +of a fallen palm-tree, watching a herd of goats; our +coming did not disturb him; he did not move—stopped +playing only for a moment.</p> + +<p>I noticed during this brief pause that another flute +was answering in the distance. We went on a little, +then:</p> + +<p>“It’s no use going any further,” said Marceline; +“these orchards are all alike; possibly at the other +end of the oasis they may be a little larger....”</p> + +<p>She spread the shawl on the ground. “Sit down +and rest,” she said.</p> + +<p>How long did we stay there? I cannot tell. What +mattered time? Marceline was near me; I lay down +and put my head on her knees. The song of the flute +flowed on, stopped from time to time, went on again; +the sound of the water ... From time to time a +goat baa’ed. I shut my eyes; I felt Marceline lay her +cool hand on my forehead; I felt the burning sun, +gently shaded by the palm-trees; I thought of nothing; +what mattered thoughts? I <em>felt</em> extraordinarily....</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_52">[52]</span></p> + +<p>And from time to time there was another noise; I +opened my eyes; a little wind was blowing in the +palm-trees; it did not come down low enough to +reach us—stirred only the highest branches.</p> + +<hr class="tb" aria-roledescription="thought break"> + +<p>The next morning, I returned to the same garden +with Marceline; on the evening of the same day, I +went back to it alone. The goatherd that played the +flute was there. I went up to him; spoke to him. He +was called Lassif, was only twelve years old, was a +handsome boy. He told me the names of his goats, +told me that the little canals are called ‘seghias’; +they do not all run every day, he explained; the +water, wisely and parsimoniously distributed, satisfies +the thirst of the plants, and is then at once withdrawn. +At the foot of each palm the ground is hollowed +out into a small cup which holds water enough +for the tree’s needs; an ingenious system of sluices, +which the boy worked for me to see, controls the +water, conducts it wherever the ground is thirstiest.</p> + +<p>The next day I saw a brother of Lassif’s; he was a +little older and not so handsome; he was called +Lachmi. By means of the kind of ladder made in the +trunk of the tree by the old stumps of excised palm +leaves, he climbed up to the top of a pollarded palm; +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_53">[53]</span>then he came swiftly down again, showing a golden +nudity beneath his floating garment. He brought +down a little earthen gourd from the place where the +head of the tree had been severed; it had been hung +up near the fresh cut in order to collect the palm sap, +from which the Arabs make a sweet wine they are +extremely fond of. At Lachmi’s invitation, I tasted +it; but I did not like its sickly, raw, syrupy taste.</p> + +<p>The following days I went further; I saw other +gardens, other goatherds and other goats. As Marceline +had said, all these gardens were alike; and +yet they were all different.</p> + +<p>Sometimes Marceline would still come with me; +but more often, as soon as we reached the orchards, +I would leave her, persuade her that I was tired, that +I wanted to sit down, that she must not wait for me, +for she needed more exercise; so that she would finish +the walk without me. I stayed behind with the children. +I soon knew a great number of them; I had +long conversations with them; I learnt their games, +taught them others, lost all my pennies at pitch and +toss. Some of them used to come with me on my +walks (every day I walked further), showed me some +new way home, took charge of my coat and my shawl +when I happened to have them both with me. Before +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_54">[54]</span>leaving the children, I used to distribute a handful +of pennies among them; sometimes they would follow +me, playing all the way, as far as my own door; +and finally, they would sometimes come in.</p> + +<p>Then Marceline on her side brought in others. She +brought the boys who went to school and whom she +encouraged to work; when school broke up, the good +little boys, the quiet little boys came in; those that +I brought were different; but they made friends over +their games. We took care always to have a store of +syrups and sweetmeats on hand. Soon other boys +came of their own accord, even uninvited. I remember +each one of them; I can see them still....</p> + +<hr class="tb" aria-roledescription="thought break"> + +<p>Towards the end of January, the weather changed +suddenly; a cold wind sprang up and my health immediately +began to suffer. The great open space that +separates the oasis from the town again became impassable, +and I was obliged once more to content myself +with the public gardens. Then it began to rain—an +icy rain, which covered the mountains on the far +Northern horizon with snow.</p> + +<p>I spent those melancholy days beside the fire, +gloomily, obstinately, fighting with my illness, which +in this vile weather, gained upon me. Lugubrious +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_55">[55]</span>days! I could neither read nor work; the slightest effort +brought on the most troublesome perspiration; +fixing my thoughts exhausted me; directly I stopped +paying attention to my breathing, I suffocated.</p> + +<p>During those melancholy days the children were +my only distraction. In the rainy weather, only the +most familiar came in; their clothes were drenched; +they sat round the fire in a circle. A long time would +often go by without anything being said. I was too +tired, too unwell to do anything but look at them; +but the presence of their good health did me good. +Those that Marceline petted were weakly, sickly, and +too well behaved; I was irritated with her and with +them and ended by keeping them at arm’s length. +To tell the truth, they frightened me.</p> + +<p>One morning I had a curious revelation as to my +own character; Moktir, the only one of my wife’s +protégés who did not irritate me (because of his good +looks perhaps), was alone with me in my room; up +till then, I had not cared much about him, but there +was something strange, I thought, in the brilliant and +sombre expression of his eyes. Some kind of inexplicable +curiosity made me watch his movements. I was +standing in front of the fire, my two elbows on the +mantlepiece, apparently absorbed in a book; but, +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_56">[56]</span>though I had my back turned to him, I could see +what he was doing reflected in the glass. Moktir did +not know I was watching him and thought I was immersed +in my reading. I saw him go noiselessly up to +a table where Marceline had laid her work and a +little pair of scissors beside it, seize them furtively, +and in a twinkling engulf them in the folds of his +burnous. My heart beat quickly for a moment, but +neither reason nor reflection could arouse in me the +smallest feeling of indignation. More than that! I +could not manage to persuade myself that the feeling +that filled me at the sight was anything but joy.</p> + +<p>When I had allowed Moktir ample time for robbing +me, I turned round again and spoke to him as +if nothing had happened.</p> + +<p>Marceline was very fond of this boy; but I do not +think it was the fear of grieving her that made me, +rather than denounce Moktir, invent some story or +other to explain the loss of her scissors.</p> + +<p>From that day onwards, Moktir became my favourite.</p> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" aria-roledescription="new chapter"> +<div class="chapter"> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_57">[57]</span></p> + + + <h3 class="nobreak" id="v"> + v + </h3> +</div> + + +<p>Our stay at Biskra was not to last much longer. +When the February rains were over, the outburst of +heat that succeeded them was too violent. After several +days of drenching downpour, one morning, suddenly, +I woke in an atmosphere of brilliant blue. As +soon as I was up, I hurried to the highest part of the +terrace. The sky, from one horizon to the other was +cloudless. Mists were rising under the heat of the +sun, which was already fierce; the whole oasis was +smoking; in the distance could be heard the grumbling +of the Oued in flood. The air was so pure and +so delicious that I felt better at once. Marceline +joined me; we wanted to go out, but that day the +mud kept us at home.</p> + +<p>A few days later, we went back to Lassif’s orchard; +the stems of the plants looked heavy, sodden and +swollen with water. This African land, whose thirsty +season of waiting was not then known to me, had +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_58">[58]</span>lain submerged for many long days and was now +awaking from its winter sleep, drunken with water, +bursting with the fresh rise of sap; throughout it +rang the wild laughter of an exultant spring which +found an echo, a double, as it were, in my own heart. +Ashour and Moktir came with us at first; I still enjoyed +their slight friendship, which cost me only half +a franc a day; but I soon grew tired of them; not +now so weak as to need the example of their health, +and no longer finding in their play the food necessary +to keep my joy alive, I turned the elation of +my mind and senses to Marceline. Her gladness made +me realize she had been unhappy before. I excused +myself like a child for having so often left her to +herself, set down my odd, elusive behaviour to the +score of weakness and declared that hitherto loving +had been too much for me, but that henceforward, as +my health grew, so would my love. I spoke truly, but +no doubt I was still very weak, for it was not +till more than a month later that I desired Marceline.</p> + +<p>In the meantime, it was getting hotter every day. +There was nothing to keep us at Biskra—except the +charm which afterwards brought me back there. Our +determination to leave was taken suddenly. In three +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_59">[59]</span>hours our things were packed. The train started next +morning at daybreak.</p> + +<p>I remember that last night. The moon was nearly +full; it streamed into my room by the wide open +window. Marceline was, I think, asleep. I had gone +to bed but could not sleep. I felt myself burning with +a kind of happy fever—the fever of life itself.... +I got up, dipped my hands and face in water, then, +pushing open the glass doors, went out.</p> + +<p>It was already late; not a sound; not a breath; the +air itself seemed asleep. The Arab dogs which yelp +all night like jackals, could only just be heard in the +distance. Facing me, lay the little courtyard; the wall +opposite cast a slanting band of shadow across it; +the regular palm-trees, bereft of colour and life, +seemed struck for ever motionless.... But in sleep +there is still some palpitation of life; here, nothing +seemed asleep; everything seemed dead. The calm +appalled me; and suddenly there rose in me afresh +the tragic realization of my life; it came upon me +as though to protest, to assert itself, to bewail itself +in the silence, so violent, so impetuous, so agonizing +almost, that I should have cried aloud, if I could +have cried like an animal. I took hold of my hand, +I remember—my left hand in my right; I wanted to +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_60">[60]</span>lift it to my head and I did. What for? To assure +myself that I was alive and that I felt the wonder of +it. I touched my forehead, my eyelids. Then a shudder +seized me. A day will come, thought I, a day will +come when I shall not even be strong enough to lift +to my lips the very water I most thirst for.... I +went in, but did not lie down again at once; I wanted +to fix that night, to engrave its memory on my mind, +to hold and to keep it; undecided as to what I should +do, I took a book from my table—it was the Bible—and +opened it at random; by stooping over it in the +moonlight, I could see to read; I read Christ’s words +to Peter—those words, alas, which I was never to +forget: “When thou wast young, thou girdedst thyself +and walkedst whither thou wouldest: but when +thou shalt be old, thou shalt stretch forth thy +hands ...”—thou shalt stretch forth thy hands....</p> + +<p>The next morning at dawn, we left.</p> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" aria-roledescription="new chapter"> +<div class="chapter"> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_61">[61]</span></p> + + + <h3 class="nobreak" id="vi"> + vi + </h3> +</div> + + +<p>I shall not speak of every stage of the journey. +Some of them have left me only a confused recollection; +I was sometimes better and sometimes worse in +health, still at the mercy of a cold wind and made +anxious by the shadow of a cloud; the condition of +my nerves too was the cause of frequent trouble; +but my lungs at any rate were recovering. Each relapse +was shorter and less serious; the attacks were +as sharp, but my body was better armed against +them.</p> + +<p>From Tunis we went to Malta, and from there to +Syracuse; I found myself back again on the classic +ground whose language and history were known to +me. Since the beginning of my illness I had lived +without question or rule, simply applying myself to +the act of living as an animal does or a child. Now +that I was less absorbed by my malady, my life became +once more certain of itself and conscious. After +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_62">[62]</span>that long and almost mortal sickness, I had thought +I should rise again the same as before and be able +without difficulty to reknit my present to my past; +in the newness of a strange country it had been possible +to deceive myself—but not here; everything +brought home to me—though I still thought it astonishing—that +I was changed.</p> + +<p>When at Syracuse and later, I wanted to start my +work again and immerse myself once more in a minute +study of the past, I discovered that something +had, if not destroyed, at any rate modified my pleasure +in it ... and this something was the feeling of +the present. The history of the past had now taken +on for me the immobility, the terrifying fixity of the +nocturnal shadows in the little courtyard of Biskra—the +immobility of death. In old days, I had taken +pleasure in this very fixity which enabled my mind +to work with precision; the facts of history all appeared +to me like specimens in a museum, or rather +like plants in a herbarium, permanently dried, so +that it was easy to forget they had once upon a time +been juicy with sap and alive in the sun. Now-a-days, +if I still took any pleasure in history, it was by imagining +it in the present. Thus the great political events +of the past moved me less than the feeling that began +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_63">[63]</span>to revive in me for the poets or for a few men of +action. At Syracuse, I re-read Theocritus and reflected +that his goatherds with the beautiful names were the +very same as those I had loved at Biskra.</p> + +<p>My erudition, which was aroused at every step, +became an encumbrance and hampered my joy. I +could not see a Greek theatre or temple without +immediately reconstructing it in my mind. Every +thought of the festivals of antiquity made me grieve +over the death of the ruin that was left standing in +their place; and I had a horror of death.</p> + +<p>I ended by avoiding ruins; the noblest monuments +of the past were less to me than those sunk gardens of +the Latomie whose lemons have the sharp sweetness +of oranges—or the shores of the Cyane, still flowing +among the papyri as blue as on the day when it wept +for Proserpine.</p> + +<p>I ended by despising the learning that had at first +been my pride; the studies, which up till then had +been my whole life, now seemed to me to have a mere +accidental and conventional connection with myself. +I found out that I was something different and—O +rapture!—that I had a separate existence of my +own. Inasmuch as I was a specialist, I appeared to +myself senseless; inasmuch as I was a man, did I +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_64">[64]</span>know myself at all? I had only just been born and +could not as yet know <em>what</em> I had been born. It was +that I had to find out.</p> + +<p>There is nothing more tragic for a man who has +been expecting to die than a long convalescence. After +that touch from the wing of Death, what seemed +important is so no longer; other things become so +which had at first seemed unimportant, or which one +did not even know existed. The miscellaneous mass +of acquired knowledge of every kind that has overlain +the mind gets peeled off in places like a mask of +paint, exposing the bare skin—the very flesh of the +authentic creature that had lain hidden beneath it.</p> + +<p>He it was whom I thenceforward set out to discover—that +authentic creature, ‘the old Adam,’ +whom the Gospel had repudiated, whom everything +about me—books, masters, parents, and I myself +had begun by attempting to suppress. And he was already +coming into view, still in the rough and difficult +of discovery, thanks to all that overlay him, but +so much the more worthy to be discovered, so much +the more valorous. Thenceforward I despised the secondary +creature, the creature who was due to teaching, +whom education had painted on the surface. +These overlays had to be shaken off.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_65">[65]</span></p> + +<p>And I compared myself to a palimpsest; I tasted +the scholar’s joy when he discovers under more recent +writing, and on the same paper, a very ancient and +infinitely more precious text. What was this occult +text? In order to read it, was it not first of all necessary +to efface the more recent one?</p> + +<p>I was besides no longer the sickly, studious being +to whom my early morality, with all its rigidity and +restrictions, had been suited. There was more here +than a convalescence; there was an increase, a recrudescence +of life, the influx of a richer, warmer +blood which must of necessity affect my thoughts, +touch them one by one, inform them all, stir and +colour the most remote, delicate and secret fibres of +my being. For, either to strength or to weakness, the +creature adapts itself; it constitutes itself according +to the powers it possesses; but if these should increase, +if they should permit a wider scope, then ... +I did not think all this at the time, and my description +gives a false idea of me. In reality, I did not +think at all; I never questioned myself; a happy +fatalism guided me. I was afraid that too hasty an +investigation might disturb the mystery of my slow +transformation. I must allow time for the effaced +characters to reappear, and not attempt to re-form +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_66">[66]</span>them. Not so much neglecting my mind therefore, as +allowing it to lie fallow, I gave myself up to the +luxurious enjoyment of my own self, of external +things, of all existence, which seemed to me divine. +We had left Syracuse, and as I ran along the precipitous +road that connects Taormina with Mola, I remember +shouting aloud, as if my calling could bring +him to me: “A new self! A new self!”</p> + +<p>My only effort then—an effort which was at that +time constant—consisted in systematically contemning +and suppressing everything which I believed I +owed to my past education and early moral beliefs. +Deliberately disdainful of my learning, and in scorn +of my scholar’s tastes, I refused to visit Agrigentum, +and a few days later, on the road to Naples, I passed +by the beautiful temple of Pæstum, in which Greece +still breathes, and where, two years later, I went to +worship some God or other—I no longer know which.</p> + +<p>Why do I say ‘my only effort’? How could I be +interested in myself save as a perfectible being? +Never before had my will been so tensely strung as +in striving after this unknown and vaguely imagined +perfection. I employed the whole of my will indeed, +in strengthening and bronzing my body. We had left +the coast near Salerno and reached Ravello. There, +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_67">[67]</span>a keener air, the charm of the rocks, their recesses, +their surprises, the unexplored depths of the valleys, +all contributed to my strength and enjoyment and +gave impetus to my enthusiasm.</p> + +<p>Not far from the shore and very near the sky, +Ravello lies on an abrupt height facing the flat and +distant coast of Pæstum. Under the Norman domination, +it was a city of no inconsiderable importance; +it is nothing now but a narrow village where I think +we were the only strangers. We were lodged in an +ancient religious house which had been turned into +a hotel; it is situated on the extreme edge of the +rock, and its terraces and gardens seemed to hang +suspended over an abyss of azure. Over the wall, +festooned with creeping vine, one could at first see +nothing but the sea; one had to go right up to the +wall in order to discover the steep cultivated slope +that connects Ravello with the shore by paths that +seem more like staircases. Above Ravello, the mountain +continues. First come enormous olive and caroub +trees, with cyclamen growing in their shadow; then, +higher up, Spanish chestnuts in great quantities, cool +air, northern plants; lower down lemon trees near +the sea. These are planted in small plots owing to the +slope of the ground; they are step gardens, nearly all +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_68">[68]</span>alike; a narrow path goes from end to end through +the middle of each; one enters noiselessly, like a +thief; one dreams in their green shadow; their foliage +is thick and heavy; no direct ray of sunlight penetrates +it; the lemons, like drops of opaque wax, hang +perfumed; they are white and greenish in the shade; +they are within reach of one’s hand, of one’s thirst; +they are sweet and sharp and refreshing.</p> + +<p>The shade was so dense beneath them that I did +not dare linger in it after my walk, for exercise still +made me perspire. And yet I now managed the steps +without being exhausted; I practised climbing them +with my mouth shut; I put greater and greater intervals +between my halts; “I will go so far without +giving in,” I used to say to myself; then, the goal +reached, I was rewarded by a glow of satisfied pride; +I would take a few long deep breaths, and feel as if +the air entered my lungs more thoroughly, more +efficaciously. I brought all my old assiduity to bear +on the care of my body. I began to progress.</p> + +<p>I was sometimes astonished that my health came +back so quickly. I began to think I had exaggerated +the gravity of my condition—to doubt that I had +been very ill—to laugh at my blood-spitting—to regret +that my recovery had not been more arduous.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_69">[69]</span></p> + +<p>In my ignorance of my physical needs, my treatment +of myself had at first been very foolish. I now +made a patient study of them and came to regard +my ingenious exercise of prudence and care as a kind +of game. What I still suffered from most was my +morbid sensitiveness to the slightest change of temperature. +Now that my lungs were cured, I attributed +this hyperaesthesia to the nervous debility left me +by my illness and I determined to conquer it. The +sight of the beautiful, brown, sunburnt skins which +some of the carelessly clad peasants at work in the +fields showed beneath their open shirts, made me +long to be like them. One morning, after I had +stripped, I looked at myself; my thin arms, my stooping +shoulders, which no effort of mine could keep +straight, but above all the whiteness of my skin, or +rather its entire want of colour, shamed me to tears. +I dressed quickly and, instead of going down to +Amalfi as usual, I turned my steps towards some +mossy, grass-grown rocks, in a place far from any +habitation, far from any road, where I knew no-one +could see me. When I got there, I undressed slowly. +The air was almost sharp, but the sun was burning. +I exposed my whole body to its flame. I sat down, +lay down, turned myself about. I felt the ground +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_70">[70]</span>hard beneath me; the waving grass brushed me. +Though I was sheltered from the wind, I shivered +and thrilled at every breath. Soon a delicious burning +enveloped me; my whole being surged up into +my skin.</p> + +<p>We stayed at Ravello a fortnight; every morning +I returned to the same rocks and went on with my +cure. I soon found I was wearing a troublesome and +unnecessary amount of clothing; my skin, having +recovered its tone, the constant perspiration ceased +and I was able to keep warm without superfluous +protection.</p> + +<p>On one of the last mornings (we were in the middle +of April), I was bolder still. In a hollow of the +rocks I have mentioned, there flowed a spring of +transparent water. At this very place it fell in a little +cascade—not a very abundant one to be sure, but +the fall had hollowed out a deeper basin at its foot +in which the water lingered, exquisitely pure and +clear. Three times already I had been there, leant +over it, stretched myself along its bank, thirsty and +longing; I had gazed at the bottom of polished rock, +where not a stain, not a weed was to be seen, and +where the sun shot its dancing and iridescent rays. +On this fourth day, I came to the spot with my mind +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_71">[71]</span>already made up. The water looked as bright and +as clear as ever, and without pausing to think, I +plunged straight in. It struck an instant chill through +me and I jumped out again quickly and flung myself +down on the grass in the sun. There was some wild +thyme growing near by; I picked some of the sweet-smelling +leaves, crushed them in my hands and +rubbed my wet but burning body with them. I looked +at myself for a long while—with no more shame +now—with joy. Although not yet robust, I felt myself +capable of becoming so—harmonious, sensuous, +almost beautiful.</p> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" aria-roledescription="new chapter"> +<div class="chapter"> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_72">[72]</span></p> + + + <h3 class="nobreak" id="vii"> + vii + </h3> +</div> + + +<p>And so, in the place of all action and all work, I +contented myself with physical exercises, which certainly +implied a change in my moral outlook, but +which I soon began to regard as mere training, as +simply a means to an end, and no longer satisfying +in themselves.</p> + +<p>I will tell you, however, about one other action +of mine, though perhaps you will consider it ridiculous, +for its very childishness marks the need that +then tormented me of showing by some outward sign +the change that had come over my inward self: at +Amalfi I had my beard and moustache shaved off. +Up till that day I had worn them long and my hair +cropped close. It had never occurred to me that I +could do anything else. And suddenly, on the day +when I first stripped myself on the rock, my beard +made me feel uncomfortable; it was like a last piece +of clothing I could not get rid of; I felt as if it were +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_73">[73]</span>false; it was carefully cut—not in a point, but square, +and it then and there struck me as very ugly and +ridiculous. When I got back to my hotel room, I +looked at myself in the glass and was displeased with +my appearance; I looked like what I had hitherto +been—an archaeologist—a bookworm. Immediately +after lunch, I went down to Amalfi with my mind +made up. The town is very small and I could find +nothing better than a vulgar little shop in the piazza. +It was market day; the place was full; I had to wait +interminably; but nothing—neither the suspicious +looking razors, nor the dirty yellow shaving-brush, +nor the smell, nor the barber’s talk could put me off. +When my beard fell beneath his scissors, I felt as +though I had taken off a mask. But oh! when I saw +myself, the emotion that filled me and which I tried +to keep down, was not pleasure, but fear. I do not +criticize this feeling—I record it. I thought myself +quite good-looking ... no, the reason of my fear +was a feeling that my mind had been stripped of all +disguise, and it suddenly appeared to me redoubtable.</p> + +<p>On the other hand, I let my hair grow.</p> + +<p>That is all my new and still unoccupied self found +to do. I expected it eventually to give birth to actions +that would astonish me—but later—later, I said to +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_74">[74]</span>myself, when it is more fully formed. In the meantime, +as I was obliged to live, I was reduced, like +Descartes, to a provisional mode of action. This was +the reason Marceline did not notice anything. The +different look in my eyes, no doubt, and the changed +expression of my features, especially on the day when +I appeared without my beard, might perhaps have +aroused her suspicions, but she already loved me +too much to see me as I was; and then I did my best +to reassure her. The important thing was that she +should not interfere with my renascent life, and to +keep it from her eyes, I had to dissemble.</p> + +<p>For that matter, the man Marceline loved, the +man she had married, was not my ‘new self.’ So I +told myself again and again as an excuse for hiding +him. In this way I showed her an image of myself, +which by the very fact of its remaining constant and +faithful to the past, became every day falser and +falser.</p> + +<p>For the time being, therefore, my relationship with +Marceline remained the same, though it was every +day getting more intense by reason of my growing +love. My dissimulation (if that expression can be +applied to the need I felt of protecting my thoughts +from her judgment), my very dissimulation increased +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_75">[75]</span>that love. I mean that it kept me incessantly occupied +with Marceline. At first, perhaps, this necessity +for falsehood cost me a little effort; but I soon came +to understand that the things that are reputed worst +(lying, to mention only one) are only difficult to do +as long as one has never done them; but that they +become—and very quickly too—easy, pleasant and +agreeable to do over again, and soon even natural. +So then, as is always the case when one overcomes +an initial disgust, I ended by taking pleasure in my +dissimulation itself, by protracting it, as if it afforded +opportunity for the play of my undiscovered faculties. +And every day my life grew richer and fuller, +as I advanced towards a riper, more delicious happiness.</p> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" aria-roledescription="new chapter"> +<div class="chapter"> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_76">[76]</span></p> + + + <h3 class="nobreak" id="viii"> + viii + </h3> +</div> + + +<p>The road from Ravello to Sorrento is so beautiful +that I had no desire that morning to see anything +more beautiful on earth. The sun-warmed harshness +of the rocks, the air’s abundance, the scents, the limpidity, +all filled me with the heavenly delight of +living, and with such contentment that there seemed +to dwell in me nothing but a dancing joy; memories +and regrets, hope and desire, future and past were +alike silent; I was conscious of nothing in life but +what the moment brought, but what the moment +carried away.</p> + +<p>“O joys of the body!” I exclaimed; “unerring +rhythm of the muscles! health!...”</p> + +<p>I had started early that morning, ahead of Marceline, +for her calmer pleasure would have cooled +mine, just as her slower pace would have kept me +back. She was to join me by carriage at Positano, +where we were to lunch.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_77">[77]</span></p> + +<p>I was nearing Positano, when a noise of wheels, +which sounded like the bass accompaniment to a +curious kind of singing, made me look round +abruptly. At first I could see nothing because of a +turn in the road, which in that place follows the +edge of the cliff; then a carriage driven at a frantic +pace dashed suddenly into view; it was Marceline’s. +The driver was singing at the top of his voice, standing +up on the box and gesticulating violently, while +he ferociously whipped his frightened horse. What a +brute the fellow was! He passed me so quickly that I +only just had time to get out of the way and my +shouts failed to make him stop.... I rushed after +him, but the carriage was going too fast. I was terrified +that Marceline would fling herself out of the +carriage, and equally so that she would stay in it; a +single jolt might have thrown her into the sea.... +All of a sudden the horse fell down. Marceline +jumped out and started running, but I was beside +her in a moment.... The driver, as soon as he saw +me, broke into horrible oaths. I was furious with +the man; at his first word of abuse, I rushed at him +and flung him brutally from his box. I rolled on +the ground with him, but did not lose my advantage; +he seemed dazed by his fall and was soon still +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_78">[78]</span>more so by a blow on the face which I gave him, +when I saw he meant to bite me. I did not let go of +him, however, and pressed with my knee on his +chest, while I tried to pinion his arms. I looked at his +ugly face, which my fist had made still uglier; he +spat, foamed, bled, swore; oh, what a horrible creature! +He deserved strangling, I thought. And perhaps +I should have strangled him—at any rate, I +felt capable of it; and I really believe it was only +the thought of the police that prevented me.</p> + +<p>I succeeded, not without difficulty, in tying the +madman up, and flung him into the carriage like a +sack.</p> + +<p>Ah! what looks, what kisses Marceline and I exchanged +when it was all over. The danger had not +been great; but I had had to show my strength, and +that in order to protect her. At the moment I felt I +could have given my life for her ... and given it +wholly with joy.... The horse got up. We left the +drunkard at the bottom of the carriage, got on to the +box together, and drove as best we could, first to +Positano, and then to Sorrento.</p> + +<p>It was that night that I first possessed Marceline.</p> + +<p>Have you really understood or must I tell you +again that I was as it were new to things of love? +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_79">[79]</span>Perhaps it was to its novelty that our wedding night +owed its grace.... For it seems to me, when I recall +it, that that first night of ours was our only one, +the expectation and the surprise of love added so +much deliciousness to its pleasures—so sufficient is a +single night for the expression of the greatest love, +and so obstinately does my memory recall that night +alone. It was a flashing moment that caught and +mingled our souls in its laughter.... But I believe +there comes a point in love, once and no more, which +later on the soul seeks—yes, seeks in vain—to surpass; +I believe that happiness wears out in the effort +made to recapture it; that nothing is more fatal to +happiness than the remembrance of happiness. Alas! +I remember that night....</p> + +<p>Our hotel was outside the town and surrounded +with gardens and orchards; a very large balcony +opened out from our room and the branches of the +trees brushed against it. Our wide open windows let +in the dawn freely. I got up and bent tenderly over +Marceline. She was asleep; she looked as though she +were smiling in her sleep; my greater strength +seemed to make me feel her greater delicacy and that +her grace was all fragility. Tumultuous thoughts +whirled in my brain. I reflected that she was telling +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_80">[80]</span>the truth when she said I was her all; then, “What do +I do for her happiness?” I thought. “Almost all day +and every day I abandon her; her every hope is in +me and I neglect her!... oh, poor, poor Marceline!” +My eyes filled with tears. I tried in vain to +seek an excuse in my past weakness; what need had +I now for so much care and attention, for so much +egoism? Was I not now the stronger of the two?</p> + +<p>The smile had left her cheeks; daybreak, though +it had touched everything else with gold, suddenly +showed her to me sad and pale; and perhaps the approach +of morning inclined me to be anxious. “Shall +I in my turn have to nurse you, fear for you, Marceline?” +I inwardly cried. I shuddered, and, overflowing +with love, pity and tenderness, I placed between +her closed eyes the gentlest, the most lover-like, +the most pious of kisses.</p> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" aria-roledescription="new chapter"> +<div class="chapter"> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_81">[81]</span></p> + + + <h3 class="nobreak" id="ix"> + ix + </h3> +</div> + + +<p>The few days we stayed at Sorrento were smiling +days and very calm. Had I ever enjoyed before such +rest, such happiness? Should I ever enjoy them +again?... I spent almost all my time with Marceline; +thinking less of myself, I was able to think +more of her, and now took as much pleasure in talking +to her as I had before taken in being silent.</p> + +<p>I was at first astonished to feel that she looked +upon our wandering life, with which I professed myself +perfectly satisfied, only as something temporary; +but its idleness soon became obvious to me; I agreed +it must not last; for the first time, thanks to the +leisure left me by my recovered health, there awoke +in me a desire for work, and I began to speak +seriously of going home; from Marceline’s joy, I +realized she herself had long been thinking of it.</p> + +<p>Meanwhile, when I again began to turn my attention +to some of my old historical studies, I found I +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_82">[82]</span>no longer took the same pleasure in them. As I have +already told you, since my illness, I had come to consider +this abstract and neutral acquaintance with the +past as mere vanity. In other days I had worked at +philological research, studying more especially, for +instance, the influence of the Goths on the corruption +of the Latin language, and had passed over and misunderstood +the figures of Theodoric, Cassiodorus and +Amalasontha, and their admirable and astonishing +passions, in order to concentrate all my enthusiasm +on mere signs—the waste product of their lives.</p> + +<p>At present, however, these same signs, and indeed +philology as a whole, were nothing more to me than +a means of penetrating further into things whose +savage grandeur and nobility had begun to dawn +on me. I resolved to study this period further, to limit +myself for a time to the last years of the empire +of the Goths, and to turn to account our coming stay +at Ravenna, the scene of its closing agonies.</p> + +<p>But shall I confess that the figure of the young +king Athalaric was what attracted me most? I pictured +to myself this fifteen-year-old boy, worked on +in secret by the Goths, in revolt against his mother +Amalasontha, rebelling against his Latin education +and flinging aside his culture, as a restive horse shakes +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_83">[83]</span>off a troublesome harness; I saw him preferring the +society of the untutored Goths to that of Cassiodorus—too +old and too wise—plunging for a few years +into a life of violent and unbridled pleasures with +rude companions of his own age, and dying at eighteen, +rotten and sodden with debauchery. I recognized +in this tragic impulse towards a wilder, more +natural state, something of what Marceline used to +call my ‘crisis.’ I tried to find some satisfaction in +applying my mind to it, since it no longer occupied +my body; and in Athalaric’s horrible death, I did +my best to read a lesson.</p> + +<p>So we settled to spend a fortnight at Ravenna, +visit Rome and Florence rapidly, then, giving up +Venice and Verona, hurry over the end of our journey +and not stop again before reaching Paris. I found a +pleasure I had never felt before in talking to Marceline +about the future; we were still a little undecided +as to how we should spend the summer; we +were both tired of travelling and I was in need of +absolute quiet for my work; then we thought of a +place of mine, situated between Lisieux and Pont-L’Evêque, +in the greenest of green Normandy; it had +formerly belonged to my mother, and I had passed +several summers there with her in my childhood, +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_84">[84]</span>though I had never gone back to it since her death. +My father had left it in charge of a bailiff, an old +man by now, who collected the rents and sent them +to us regularly. I had kept enchanting memories of +a large and very pleasant house standing in a garden +watered by running streams; it was called La +Morinière; I thought it would be good to live there.</p> + +<p>I spoke of spending the following winter in Rome, +but as a worker this time, not a tourist.... But +this last plan was soon upset. Amongst the number of +letters we found waiting for us at Naples, was one +containing an unexpected piece of information—a +chair at the Collège de France had fallen vacant and +my name had been several times mentioned in connection +with it; it was only a temporary post which +would leave me free in the future; the friend who +wrote advised me of the few steps to be taken in case +I should accept, which he strongly advised me to do. +I hesitated to bind myself to what at first seemed to +me slavery; but then I reflected that it might be +interesting to put forward my ideas on Cassiodorus +in a course of lectures.... The pleasure I should be +giving Marceline finally decided me, and once my +decision taken, I saw only its advantages.</p> + +<p>My father had several connections in the learned +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_85">[85]</span>world of Rome and Florence, with whom I had myself +been in correspondence. They gave me every +facility for making the necessary researches in Ravenna +and elsewhere; I had no thoughts now but for +my work. Marceline, by her constant consideration +and in a thousand charming ways, did all she could +to help me.</p> + +<p>Our happiness during those last days of travel was +so equable, so calm, that there is nothing to say about +it. Men’s finest works bear the persistent marks of +pain. What would there be in a story of happiness? +Only what prepares it, only what destroys it can be +told. I have now told you what prepared it.</p> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" aria-roledescription="new part"> +<div class="chapter"> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_86"></a><a id="Page_87"></a>[87]</span></p> + + + <h2 class="nobreak" id="SECOND_PART"> + SECOND PART + </h2> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_88"></a><a id="Page_89"></a>[89]</span></p> + <h3 class="nobreak" id="i_1"> + i + </h3> +</div> + + +<p>We arrived at La Morinière in the first days of +July, having stayed in Paris only just long enough to +do our shopping and pay a very few visits.</p> + +<p>La Morinière is situated, as I have told you, between +Lisieux and Pont-L’Evêque in the shadiest, +wettest country I know. Innumerable narrow coombes +and gently rounded hills terminate near the wide +‘Vallée d’Auge,’ which then stretches in an uninterrupted +plain as far as the sea. There is no horizon; +some few copse-woods, filled with mysterious shade, +some few fields of corn, but chiefly meadow land—softly +sloping pastures, where the lush grass is mown +twice a year, where the apple-trees, when the sun is +low, join shadow to shadow, where flocks and herds +graze untended; in every hollow there is water—pond +or pool or river; from every side comes the +continual murmur of streams.</p> + +<p>Oh, how well I remembered the house! its blue +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_90">[90]</span>roofs, its walls of stone and brick, its moat, the reflections +in the still waters.... It was an old house +which would easily have lodged a dozen persons; +Marceline, three servants, and myself, who occasionally +lent a helping hand, found it all we could do +to animate a part of it. Our old bailiff, who was +called Bocage, had already done his best to prepare +some of the rooms; the old furniture awoke from its +twenty years’ slumber; everything had remained just +as I remembered it—the panelling not too dilapidated, +the rooms easy to live in. Bocage, to welcome us, had +put flowers in all the vases he could lay hands on. He +had had the large courtyard and the nearest paths +in the park weeded and raked. When we arrived, the +sun’s last rays were falling on the house, and from +the valley facing it a mist had arisen which hovered +there motionless, masking and revealing the river. +We had not well arrived, when all at once I recognized +the scent of the grass; and when I heard the +piercing cries of the swallows as they flew round the +house, the whole past suddenly rose up, as though it +had been lying in wait for my approach to close over +and submerge me.</p> + +<p>In a few days the house was more or less comfortable; +I might have settled down to work; but I +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_91">[91]</span>delayed, at first still listening to the voice of my past +as it recalled its slightest details to my memory, and +then too much absorbed by an unwonted emotion. +Marceline, a week after our arrival, confided to me +that she was expecting a child.</p> + +<p>Thenceforward I thought I owed her redoubled +care, and that she had a right to greater tenderness +than ever; at any rate during the first weeks that +followed her confidence, I spent almost every minute +of the day in her company. We used to go and sit +near the wood, on a bench where in old days I had +been used to sit with my mother; there, each moment +brought us a richer pleasure, each hour passed with +a smoother flow. If no distinct memory of this period +of my life stands out for me, it is not because I am +less deeply grateful for it—but because everything in +it melted and mingled into a state of changeless ease, +in which evening joined morning without a break, +in which day passed into day without a surprise.</p> + +<p>I gradually set to work again with a quiet mind, +in possession of itself, certain of its strength, looking +calmly and confidently to the future; with a will +that seemed softened, as though by harkening to the +counsels of that temperate land.</p> + +<p>There can be no doubt, I thought, that the example +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_92">[92]</span>of such a land, where everything is ripening +towards fruition and harvest, must have the best of +influences on me. I looked forward with admiring +wonder to the tranquil promise of the great oxen and +fat cows that grazed in those opulent meadows. The +apple-trees, planted in order on the sunniest slopes +of the hill-sides, gave hopes this summer of a magnificent +crop. I saw in my mind’s eye the rich burden +of fruit which would soon bow down their +branches. From this ordered abundance, this joyous +acceptance of service imposed, this smiling cultivation, +had arisen a harmony that was the result not of +chance but of intention, a rhythm, a beauty, at once +human and natural, in which the teeming fecundity +of nature and the wise effort of man to regulate it, +were combined in such perfect agreement, that one +no longer knew which was most admirable. What +would man’s effort be worth, thought I, without the +savagery of the power it controls? What would the +wild rush of these upwelling forces become without +the intelligent effort that banks it, curbs it, leads it +by such pleasant ways to its outcome of luxury? And +I let myself go in a dream of lands where every force +should be so regulated, all expenditure so compensated, +all exchanges so strict, that the slightest waste +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_93">[93]</span>would be appreciable; then I applied my dream to +life and imagined a code of ethics which should institute +the scientific and perfect utilization of a man’s +self by a controlling intelligence.</p> + +<p>Where had my rebelliousness vanished to? Where +was it hiding itself? It seemed never to have existed, +so tranquil was I. The rising tide of my love had +swept it all away.</p> + +<p>Meanwhile old Bocage bustled round us; he gave +directions, he superintended, he advised; his need of +feeling himself indispensable was tiresome in the extreme. +In order not to hurt his feelings I had to go +over his accounts and listen for hours to his endless +explanations. Even that was not enough; I had to +visit the estate with him. His sententious truisms, +his continual speeches, his evident self-satisfaction, +the display he made of his honesty drove me to exasperation; +he became more and more persistent and +there was nothing I would not have done to recover +my liberty, when an unexpected occurrence brought +about a change in my relations with him. One evening +Bocage announced that he was expecting his son +Charles the next day.</p> + +<p>I said, “Oh!” rather casually, having so far troubled +myself very little as to any children Bocage +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_94">[94]</span>might or might not have; then, seeing my indifference +offended him and that he expected some expression +of interest and surprise, “Where has he been?” +I asked.</p> + +<p>“In a model farm near Alençon,” answered Bocage.</p> + +<p>“How old is he now? About...?” I went on, +calculating the age of this son, of whose existence I +had so far been totally unaware, and leaving him +time enough to interrupt me....</p> + +<p>“Past seventeen,” went on Bocage. “He was not +much more than four when your father’s good lady +died. Ah! He’s a big lad now; he’ll know more than +his dad soon....” Once Bocage was started, nothing +could stop him, not even the boredom I very +plainly showed.</p> + +<p>I had forgotten all about this, when the next evening, +Charles, newly arrived from his journey, came +to pay his respects to Marceline and me. He was a +fine strong young fellow, so exuberantly healthy, so +lissom, so well-made, that not even the frightful +town clothes he had put on in our honour could make +him look ridiculous; his shyness hardly added anything +to the fine natural red of his cheeks. He did +not look more than fifteen, his eyes were so bright +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_95">[95]</span>and so childlike; he expressed himself clearly, without +embarrassment, and, unlike his father, did not +speak when he had nothing to say. I cannot remember +what we talked about that first evening; I was so +busy looking at him that I found nothing to say +and let Marceline do all the talking. But next day, +for the first time, I did not wait for old Bocage to +come and fetch me, in order to go down to the farm, +where I knew they were starting work on a pond that +had to be repaired.</p> + +<p>This pond—almost as big as a lake—was leaking. +The leak had been located and had to be cemented. +In order to do this, the pond had first to be drained, +a thing that had not been done for fifteen years. It +was full of carp and tench, great creatures, some of +them, that lay at the bottom of the pond without +ever coming up. I wanted to stock the moat with +some of these fish and give some to the labourers, so +that upon this occasion the pleasure of a fishing +party was added to the day’s work, as could be seen +from the extraordinary animation of the farm; some +children from the neighbourhood had joined the +workers and Marceline herself had promised to come +down later.</p> + +<p>The water had already been sinking for some time +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_96">[96]</span>when I got there. Every now and then a great ripple +suddenly stirred its surface and the brown backs +of the disturbed fish came into sight. The children +paddling in the puddles round the edges, amused +themselves with catching gleaming handfuls of small +fry, which they flung into pails of clear water. The +water in the pond was muddy and soon became more +and more thick and troubled owing to the agitation +of the fish. Their abundance was beyond all expectation; +four farm labourers, dipping into the water +at random, pulled them out in handfuls. I was sorry +that Marceline had not arrived and decided to run +and fetch her, when a shout signalled the appearance +of the first eels. But no-one could succeed in +catching them; they slipped between the men’s fingers. +Charles, who up till then had been standing beside +his father on the bank, could restrain himself no +longer; he took off his shoes and socks in a moment, +flung aside his coat and waistcoat, then, tucking up +his trousers and shirtsleeves as high as they would +go, stepped resolutely into the mud. I immediately +did the same.</p> + +<p>“Charles!” I cried, “it was a good thing you came +back yesterday, wasn’t it?” He was already too busy +with his fishing to answer, but he looked at me, +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_97">[97]</span>laughing. I called him after a moment to help me +catch a big eel; we joined hands in trying to hold it.... +Then came another and another; our faces were +splashed with mud; sometimes the ooze suddenly +gave way beneath us and we sank into it up to our +waists; we were soon drenched. In the ardour of the +sport, we barely exchanged a shout or two, a word +or two; but at the end of the day, I became aware +I was saying ‘thou’ to Charles, without having any +clear idea when I had begun. Our work in common +had taught us more about each other than a long +conversation. Marceline had not come yet; she did +not come at all, but I ceased to regret her absence; +I felt as though she would have a little spoilt our +pleasure.</p> + +<p>Early next morning, I went down to the farm to +look for Charles. We took our way together to the +woods.</p> + +<p>As I myself knew very little about my estate and +was not much distressed at knowing so little, I was +astonished to find how much Charles knew about it +and about the way it was farmed; he told me what +I was barely aware of, namely, that I had six farmer-tenants, +that the rents might have amounted to +sixteen or eighteen thousand francs, and that if +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_98">[98]</span>they actually amounted to barely half that sum, it +was because almost everything was eaten up by repairs +of all sorts and by the payment of middlemen. +His way of smiling as he looked at the fields +in cultivation soon made me suspect that the management +of the estate was not quite so good as I +had at first thought and as Bocage had given me to +understand; I pressed Charles further on this subject, +and the intelligence of practical affairs which +had so exasperated me in Bocage, amused me in a +child like him. We continued our walks day after +day; the estate was large and when we had visited +every corner of it, we began again with more method. +Charles did not hide his irritation at the sight of +certain fields, certain pieces of land that were overgrown +with gorse, thistles and weeds; he instilled +into me his hatred of fallow land and set me dreaming +with him of a better mode of agriculture.</p> + +<p>“But,” I said to him at first, “who is it that suffers +from this lack of cultivation? Isn’t it only the +farmer himself? However much the profits of his +farm vary, his rent still remains the same.”</p> + +<p>Charles was a little annoyed: “You understand +nothing about it,” he ventured to say—and I smiled. +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_99">[99]</span>“You think only of income and won’t consider that +the capital is deteriorating. Your land is slowly losing +its value by being badly cultivated.”</p> + +<p>“If it were to bring in more by being better cultivated, +I expect the farmers would set about it. They +are too eager for gain not to make as much profit as +they can.”</p> + +<p>“You are not counting,” continued Charles, “the +cost of increased labour. These neglected bits of +land are sometimes a long way from the farms. True, +if they were cultivated, they would bring in nothing +or next to nothing, but at any rate, they would keep +from spoiling.”</p> + +<p>And so the conversation went on. Sometimes for +an hour on end we seemed to be interminably repeating +the same things as we walked over the fields; but +I listened, and little by little gathered information.</p> + +<p>“After all, it’s your father’s business,” I said one +day impatiently. Charles blushed a little.</p> + +<p>“My father is old,” he said; “he has a great deal +to do already, seeing to the upkeep of the buildings, +collecting the rents and so on. It’s not his business to +make reforms.”</p> + +<p>“And what reforms would <em>you</em> make?” I asked. +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_100">[100]</span>But at that he became evasive and pretended he knew +nothing about it; it was only by insisting that I +forced him to explain.</p> + +<p>“I should take away all the uncultivated fields +from the tenants,” he ended by advising. “If the +farmers leave part of their land uncultivated, it’s a +proof they don’t need it all in order to pay you; or +if they say they must keep it all, I should raise their +rents. All the people hereabouts are idle,” he added.</p> + +<p>Of the six farms that belonged to me, the one I +most liked visiting was situated on a hill that overlooked +La Morinière; it was called La Valterie; the +farmer who rented it was a pleasant enough fellow +and I used to like talking to him. Nearer La Morinière, +was a farm called the ‘home farm,’ which was +let on a system that left Bocage, pending the landlord’s +absence, in possession of part of the cattle. +Now that my doubts had been awakened, I began to +suspect honest Bocage himself, if not of cheating me, +at any rate, of allowing other people to cheat me. +One stable and one cow-house were, it is true, reserved +to me, but it soon dawned upon me that they +had merely been invented so as to allow the farmer +to feed his cows and horses with my oats and hay. +So far, I had listened indulgently to the very unconvincing +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_101">[101]</span>reports which Bocage gave me from time +to time of deaths, malformations and diseases. I +swallowed everything. It had not then occurred to +me that it was sufficient for one of the farmer’s cows +to fall ill for it to become one of my cows, nor that +it was sufficient for one of my cows to do well for it +to become one of the farmer’s; but a few rash remarks +of Charles’s, a few observations of my own +began to enlighten me, and my mind once given the +hint, worked quickly.</p> + +<p>Marceline, at my suggestion, went over the accounts +minutely, but could find nothing wrong with +them; Bocage’s honesty was displayed on every page. +What was to be done? Let things be. At any rate, I +now watched the management of the cattle in a +state of suppressed indignation, but without letting +it be too obvious.</p> + +<p>I had four horses and ten cows—quite enough to +be a considerable worry to me. Among my four +horses was one which was still called ‘the colt,’ +though it was more than three years old; it was now +being broken in; I was beginning to take an interest +in it, when one fine morning I was informed that it +was perfectly unmanageable, that it would be impossible +ever to do anything with it and that the best +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_102">[102]</span>thing would be to get rid of it. As if on purpose to +convince me of this, in case I had doubted it, it had +been made to break the front of a small cart and +had cut its hocks in doing so.</p> + +<p>I had much ado that day to keep my temper, but +what helped me was Bocage’s obvious embarrassment. +After all, thought I, he is more weak than anything +else; it is the men who are to blame, but they +want a guiding hand over them.</p> + +<p>I went into the yard to see the colt; one of the men +who had been beating it began to stroke it as soon +as he heard me coming; I pretended to have seen +nothing. I did not know much about horses, but +this colt seemed to me a fine animal; it was half-bred, +light bay in colour and remarkably elegant in shape, +with a very bright eye and a very light mane and tail. +I made sure it had not been injured, insisted on its +cuts being properly dressed and went away without +another word.</p> + +<p>That evening, as soon as I saw Charles, I tried to +find out what he personally thought of the colt.</p> + +<p>“I think he’s a perfectly quiet beast,” he said, “but +they don’t know how to manage him; they’ll drive +him wild.”</p> + +<p>“And how would <em>you</em> manage him?”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_103">[103]</span></p> + +<p>“Will you let me have him for a week, Sir? I’ll +answer for him.”</p> + +<p>“And what will you do?”</p> + +<p>“You will see.”</p> + +<p>The next morning, Charles took the colt down to +a corner of the field that was shaded by a superb +walnut-tree and bordered by the river; I went too, +together with Marceline. It is one of my most vivid +recollections. Charles had tied the colt with a rope +a few yards long to a stake firmly planted in the +ground. The mettlesome creature had, it seems, objected +for some time with great spirit; but now, tired +and quieted, it was going round more calmly; the +elasticity of its trot was astonishing and as delightful +and engaging to watch as a dance. Charles stood +in the centre of the circle and avoided the rope at +every round with a sudden leap, exciting or calming +the beast with his voice; he held a long whip in +his hand, but I did not see him use it. Everything +about his look and movements—his youthfulness, his +delight—gave his work the fervent and beautiful +aspect of pleasure. Suddenly—I have no idea how—he +was astride the animal; it had slackened its pace +and then stopped; he had patted it a little and then, +all of a sudden, I saw he was on horseback, sure of +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_104">[104]</span>himself, barely holding its mane, laughing, leaning +forward, still patting and stroking its neck. The colt +had hardly resisted for a moment; then it began its +even trot again, so handsome, so easy, that I envied +Charles and told him so.</p> + +<p>“A few days’ more training and the saddle won’t +tickle him at all; in a fortnight, Sir, your lady herself +won’t be afraid to mount him; he’ll be as quiet as a +lamb.”</p> + +<p>It was quite true; a few days later, the horse allowed +himself to be stroked, harnessed, led, without +any signs of restiveness; and Marceline might +really have ridden him if her state of health had permitted.</p> + +<p>“You ought to try him yourself, Sir,” said Charles.</p> + +<p>I should never have done so alone; but Charles +suggested saddling another of the farm horses for +himself, and the pleasure of accompanying him +proved irresistible.</p> + +<p>How grateful I was to my mother for having sent +me to a riding-school when I was a boy! The recollection +of those long-ago lessons stood me in good +stead. The sensation of feeling myself on horseback +was not too strange; after the first few moments, I +had no tremors and felt perfectly at ease. Charles’s +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_105">[105]</span>mount was heavier; it was not pure bred, but far +from bad-looking, and above all, Charles rode it +well. We got into the habit of going out every day; +for choice, we started in the early morning, through +grass that was still bright with dew; we rode to the +limit of the woods; the dripping hazels, shaken by +our passage, drenched us with their showers; suddenly +the horizon opened out; there, in front of us, +lay the vast Vallée d’Auge and far in the distance +could be divined the presence of the sea. We stayed +a moment without dismounting; the rising sun coloured +the mists, parted them, dispersed them; then, +we set off again at a brisk trot; we lingered a little +at the farm, where the work was only just beginning; +we enjoyed for a moment the proud pleasure of being +earlier than the labourers—of looking down on +them; then, abruptly, we left them; I was home again +at La Morinière just as Marceline was beginning to +get up.</p> + +<p>I used to come in drunk with the open air, dazed +with speed, my limbs a little stiff with a delicious +fatigue, all health and appetite and freshness. Marceline +approved, encouraged my fancy. I went straight +to her room, still in my gaiters, and found her lingering +in bed, waiting for me; I came bringing with +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_106">[106]</span>me a scent of wet leaves, which she said she liked. +And she listened while I told her of our ride, of the +awakening of the fields, of the recommencing of the +day’s labour.... She took as much delight, it +seemed, in feeling me live as in living herself. Soon I +trespassed on this delight too; our rides grew longer, +and sometimes I did not come in till nearly noon.</p> + +<p>I kept the afternoons and evenings, however, as +much as possible for the preparation of my lectures. +My work on them made good progress; I was satisfied +with it and thought they might perhaps be worth +publishing later as a book. By a kind of natural reaction, +the more regular and orderly my life became +and the more pleasure I took in establishing order +about me—the more attracted I felt by the rude +ethics of the Goths. With a boldness, for which I was +afterwards blamed, I took the line throughout my +lectures of making the apology and eulogy of non-culture; +but, at the same time, in my private life, I +was laboriously doing all I could to control, if not +to suppress, everything about me and within me that +in any way suggested it. How far did I not push this +wisdom—or this folly?</p> + +<p>Two of my tenants whose leases expired at Christmas +time, came to me with a request for renewal; it +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_107">[107]</span>was a matter of signing the usual preliminary agreement. +Strong in Charles’s assurances and encouraged +by his daily conversations, I awaited the farmers +with resolution. They on the other hand, equally +strong in the conviction that tenants are hard to replace, +began by asking for their rents to be lowered. +Their stupefaction was great when I read them the +agreement I had myself drawn up, in which I not +only refused to lower the rents but also withdrew +from the farms certain portions of land, which I +said they were making no use of. They pretended at +first to take it as a laughing matter—I must be joking. +What could I do with the land? It was worth +nothing; and if they made no use of it, it was because +no use could be made of it.... Then, seeing +I was serious, they turned obstinate; I was obstinate +too. They thought they would frighten me by threatening +to leave. It was what I was waiting for:</p> + +<p>“All right! Go if you like! I won’t keep you,” I +said, tearing the agreement up before their eyes.</p> + +<p>So there I was, with more than two hundred acres +left on my hands. I had planned for some time past +to give the chief management of this land to Bocage, +thinking that in this way I should be giving it indirectly +to Charles; my intention also was to look after +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_108">[108]</span>it a good deal myself; but in reality, I reflected very +little about it; the very risk of the undertaking +tempted me. The tenants would not be turning out +before Christmas; between this and then we should +have time to look about us. I told Charles; his delight +annoyed me; he could not hide it; it made me feel +more than ever that he was much too young. We +were already pressed for time; it was the season when +the reaping of the crops leaves the fields empty for +early ploughing. By an established custom, the outgoing +tenant works side by side with the incoming; +the former quits the land bit by bit, as soon as he has +carried his crops. I was afraid the two farmers I had +dismissed would somehow revenge themselves on +me; but, on the contrary, they made a pretence of +being perfectly amiable (I only learnt later how +much they benefited by this). I took advantage of +their complaisance to go up to their land—which was +soon going to be mine—every morning and evening. +Autumn was beginning; more labourers had to be +hired to get on with the ploughing and sowing; we +had bought harrows, rollers, ploughs; I rode about +on horseback, superintending and directing the work, +taking pleasure in ordering people about and in using +my authority.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_109">[109]</span></p> + +<p>Meanwhile, in the neighbouring meadows, the apples +were being gathered; they dropped from the +trees and lay rolling in the thick grass; never had +there been a more abundant crop; there were not +enough pickers; they had to be brought in from the +neighbouring villages and taken on for a week; +Charles and I sometimes amused ourselves by helping +them. Some of the men beat the branches with +sticks to bring down the late fruit; the fruit that fell +of itself was gathered into separate heaps; often the +overripe apples lay bruised and crushed in the long +grass so that it was impossible to walk without stepping +on them. The smell that rose from the ground +was acrid and sickly and mingled with the smell of +the ploughed land.</p> + +<p>Autumn was advancing. The mornings of the last +fine days are the freshest, the most limpid of all. +There were times when the moisture-laden atmosphere +painted all the distances blue, made them look +more distant still, turned a short walk into a day’s +journey; and the whole country looked bigger; at +times again the abnormal transparency of the +air brought the horizon closer; it seemed as though +it might be reached by one stroke of the wing; and +I could not tell which of the two states filled me with +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_110">[110]</span>a heavier languor. My work was almost finished—at +least, so I told myself, as an encouragement to be +idle. The time I did not spend at the farm, I spent +with Marceline. Together we went out into the garden; +we walked slowly, she languidly hanging on my +arm; the bench where we went to sit looked over the +valley, which the evening gradually filled with light. +She had a tender way of leaning against my shoulder; +and we would stay so till evening, motionless, speechless, +letting the day sink and melt within us.... In +what a cloak of silence our love had already learnt +to wrap itself! For already Marceline’s love was +stronger than words—for sometimes her love was almost +an anguish to me. As a breath of wind sometimes +ripples the surface of a tranquil pool, the +slightest emotion was visible in her face; she was listening +now to the new life mysteriously quivering +within her, and I leant over her as over deep transparent +waters where, as far as the eye could reach, +nothing was to be seen but love. Ah! if this was still +happiness, I know I did my best to hold it, as one +tries—in vain—to hold the water that slips between +one’s joined hands; but already I felt, close beside +my happiness, something not happiness, something +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_111">[111]</span>indeed that coloured my love, but with the colours +of autumn.</p> + +<p>Autumn was passing. Every morning the grass was +wetter, till it no longer dried in the fringe of the +woods on the shady side of the valley; at the first +streak of dawn, it was white. The ducks on the waters +of the moat fluttered and flapped their wings; they +grew fiercely agitated; sometimes they rose together, +calling loudly, and flew in a noisy flight right round +La Morinière. One morning we missed them. Bocage +had shut them up. Charles told me that every autumn +at migration time they had to be shut up in this way. +And a few days later the weather changed. One evening, +suddenly, there came a great blast, a breath +from the sea, stormy, steady, bringing with it cold +and rain, carrying off the birds of passage. Marceline’s +condition, the business of settling into a new +apartment, the work entailed by my lectures, would +in any case have soon called us back to town. The +bad weather, which began early, drove us away at +once.</p> + +<p>It is true that the farm affairs were to bring me +back in November. I was greatly vexed to hear of +Bocage’s plans for the winter; he told me he wished +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_112">[112]</span>to send Charles back to his model farm where, so +he declared, he had still a great deal to learn; I talked +to him long, used all the arguments I could think of, +but I could not make him budge; at the outside, he +consented to shorten Charles’s training by a trifle, +so as to allow him to come back a little sooner. Bocage +did not conceal from me that the running of +the two farms would be a matter of no small difficulty; +but he had in view, so he said, two highly +trustworthy peasants whom he intended to employ; +they would be partly farmers, partly tenants, partly +labourers; the thing was too unusual in these parts +for him to hope much good would come of it; but, +he said, it was my own wish. This conversation took +place towards the end of October. In the first days +of November, we moved to Paris.</p> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" aria-roledescription="new chapter"> +<div class="chapter"> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_113">[113]</span></p> + + + <h3 class="nobreak" id="ii_1"> + ii + </h3> +</div> + + +<p>It was in S... Street, near Passy, that we took +up our residence. The apartment, which had been +found for us by one of Marceline’s brothers, and +which we had visited when we had last passed through +Paris, was much bigger than the one my father had +left me, and Marceline was a little uneasy, not only +at the increased rent, but at all the other expenses +we should certainly be led into. I countered all her +fears by pretending I had a horror of anything temporary; +I forced myself to believe in this feeling and +deliberately exaggerated it. Certainly, the cost of +furnishing and arranging the apartment would exceed +our income for the present year, but our fortune, +which was already large, was sure to increase still +further; I counted on my lectures for this, on the +publication of my book and, such was my folly, on +the profits from my new farms. In consequence, I +stopped short at no expense, telling myself at each +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_114">[114]</span>new one that here was another tie and thinking also +that by these means I should suppress every vagabond +inclination I felt—or feared I might feel—within +me.</p> + +<p>For the first few days, our time was taken up from +morning to night by shopping and other business of +the sort; and though eventually, Marceline’s brother +very obligingly offered to do as much as he could +for us, it was not long before Marceline felt thoroughly +tired out. Then, as soon as we were settled in, +instead of resting as she should have done, she felt +obliged to receive visitors; they flocked to see us +now because we had been absent from Paris during +the first days of our marriage, and Marceline, who +had become unused to society, was incapable of getting +rid of them quickly or of shutting her doors altogether. +When I came home in the evening, I found +her exhausted, and, though her fatigue, which seemed +only natural, caused me no anxiety, I did my best +to lessen it; often receiving visits in her stead, which +was very little to my taste, and sometimes paying +them—which was still less so.</p> + +<p>I have never been a brilliant talker; the frivolity, +the wit, the spirit of fashionable drawing-rooms, +were things in which I could take no pleasure; yet +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_115">[115]</span>in old days I had frequented some of these salons—but +how long ago that seemed! What had happened +since then? In other people’s company, I felt I was +dull, gloomy, unwelcome, at once bored and boring.... +By a singular piece of ill-luck, you, whom I +considered my only real friends, were absent from +Paris and not expected back for long. Should I have +been able to speak to you more openly? Would you +have perhaps understood me better than I did myself? +But what did I know at that time of all that +was growing up within me, of all I am now telling +you about? The future seemed to me absolutely assured +and I had never thought myself more master +of it.</p> + +<p>And even if I had been more perspicacious, what +help against myself should I have found in Hubert, +Didier or Maurice, or in all the others whom you +know and judge as I do? I very soon discovered, +alas, the impossibility of their understanding me. +In our very first conversations, I found myself forced +to impersonate a false character, to resemble the man +they imagined I still was; and for convenience’ sake, +I pretended to have the thoughts and tastes with +which they credited me. One cannot both be sincere +and seem so.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_116">[116]</span></p> + +<p>I was rather more willing to renew my acquaintance +with the people of my own profession—archaeologists +and philologists—but I found very little +more pleasure and no more emotion in talking to +them than in consulting a good dictionary. I hoped +at first to find a rather more direct comprehension of +life in one or two novelists and poets; but if they +really had such a comprehension, it must be confessed +they did not show it; most of them, I thought, +did not really live—contented themselves with appearing +to live, and were on the verge of considering +life merely as a vexatious hindrance to writing. +I could not blame them for it; and I do not affirm +that the mistake was not mine.... As to that, what +did I mean by ‘living’? That is exactly what I wanted +to find out. One and another talked cleverly of the +different events of life—never of what is at the back +of them.</p> + +<p>As for the few philosophers whose business it +should have been to instruct me, I had long known, +what to expect of them; whether mathematicians or +neo-Kantians, they kept as far away as possible from +the disturbing reality and had no more concern for +it than the algebraist has for the existence of the +quantities he measures.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_117">[117]</span></p> + +<p>When I got back to Marceline, I did not conceal +from her how tedious I found all these acquaintances.</p> + +<p>“They are all alike,” I said to her. “When I talk +to one, I feel as if I were talking to the whole lot.”</p> + +<p>“But, my dear,” said Marceline, “you can’t expect +each of them to be different from all the others.”</p> + +<p>“The greater their likeness to each other, the more +unlike they are to me.”</p> + +<p>And then I went on with a sigh, “Not one of them +has managed to be ill. They are alive—they seem to +be alive, and yet not to know they are alive. For +that matter, since I have been in their company, I +have ceased to be alive myself. Today, amongst +other days, what have I done? I had to leave you +about nine o’clock. I had just a bare moment for a +little reading before I went out; it was the only satisfactory +moment of the day. Your brother was waiting +for me at the solicitor’s, and after the solicitor’s, +he insisted on sticking to me; I had to see the upholsterer +with him; he was really a nuisance at the +cabinet-maker’s and I only got rid of him at Gaston’s; +I had lunch in the neighbourhood with Philip and +then I met Louis at a café and went with him to +Theodore’s absurd lecture, and paid him compliments +when it was over; then, in order to get out of +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_118">[118]</span>his invitation for Sunday, I had to go with him to +Arthur’s; then to a water-colour exhibition with Arthur; +then left cards on Albertine and Julie.... I +came in thoroughly exhausted and found you as tired +as myself, after visits from Adeline, Marthe, Jeanne +and Sophie.... And now, in the evening, as I look +back on my day, it seems to me so vain and so +empty, that I long to have it back and live it over +again hour by hour—and the thought of it makes +me inclined to weep.”</p> + +<p>And yet I should not have been able to say what I +meant by ‘living,’ nor whether the very simple secret +of my trouble was not that I had acquired a taste +for a more spacious, breezier life, one that was less +hemmed in, less regardful of others; the secret seemed +to me much more mysterious than that; it was the +secret, I thought, of one who has known death; for +I moved a stranger among ordinary people, like a +man who has risen from the grave. And at first I +merely felt rather painfully out of my element; but +soon I became aware of a very different feeling. I +had known no pride, I repeat, when the publication +of my Essay had brought me such praise. Was it +pride now? Perhaps; but at any rate there was no +trace of vanity mixed with it. It was rather, for the +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_119">[119]</span>first time, the consciousness of my own worth. What +separated me—distinguished me—from other people +was crucial; what no-one said, what no-one could +say but myself, <em>that</em> it was my task to say.</p> + +<p>My lectures began soon after; the subject was congenial +and I poured into the first of them all my +newly born passion. Speaking of the later Latin civilization, +I depicted artistic culture as welling up in +a whole people, like a secretion, which is at first a +sign of plethora, of a superabundance of health, but +which afterwards stiffens, hardens, forbids the perfect +contact of the mind with nature, hides under the +persistent appearance of life a diminution of life, +turns into an outside sheath, in which the cramped +mind languishes and pines, in which at last it dies. +Finally, pushing my thought to its logical conclusion, +I showed Culture, born of life, as the destroyer of +life.</p> + +<p>The historians blamed a tendency, as they phrased +it, to too rapid generalization. Other people blamed +my method; and those who complimented me were +those who understood me least.</p> + +<hr class="tb" aria-roledescription="thought break"> + +<p>It was at the end of my lecture that I came across +Ménalque again for the first time. I had never seen +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_120">[120]</span>much of him, and shortly before my marriage, he +had started on one of those distant voyages of discovery +which sometimes kept him from us for over +a year. In the old days, I had never much liked him; +he seemed proud and he took no interest in my existence. +I was therefore astonished to see him at my +first lecture. His very insolence, which had at first +held me aloof from him, pleased me, and I thought +the smile he gave me all the more charming because +I knew he smiled rarely. Recently, an absurd—a +shameful—lawsuit had caused a scandal and given +the newspapers a convenient occasion to drag him +through the mud; those whom he had offended by +his disdain and superiority seized this pretext to revenge +themselves; and what irritated them most was +that he appeared not to care.</p> + +<p>“One must allow other people to be right,” he used +to say when he was insulted, “it consoles them for not +being anything else.”</p> + +<p>But ‘good society’ was indignant and people who, +as they say, ‘respect themselves,’ thought it their +duty to turn their backs on him, and so pay him back +his contempt. This was an extra encouragement to +me; feeling myself attracted by a secret influence, I +went up to him and embraced him before everyone.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_121">[121]</span></p> + +<p>When they saw to whom I was talking, the last intruders +withdrew; I was left alone with Ménalque.</p> + +<p>After the irritating criticisms and inept compliments +I had been listening to, his few words on the +subject of my lecture were very soothing.</p> + +<p>“You are burning what you used to adore,” said +he. “Very good. It is a little late in the day, but never +mind, the fire is all the fiercer. I am not sure whether +I altogether understand you. You make me curious. +I don’t much care about talking, but I should like to +talk to you. Come and dine with me tonight.”</p> + +<p>“Dear Ménalque,” I answered, “you seem to forget +that I am married.”</p> + +<p>“Yes,” he answered, “quite true. The frank cordiality +with which you were not afraid to greet me +made me think you might be free.”</p> + +<p>I was afraid I might have wounded him; still more +so of seeming weak, and I told him I would join him +after dinner.</p> + +<hr class="tb" aria-roledescription="thought break"> + +<p>Ménalque never did more than pass through Paris +on his way to somewhere else; he always stayed in a +hotel. On this occasion he had had several rooms +fitted up for him as a private apartment; he had +his own servants, took his meals apart, lived apart; +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_122">[122]</span>stuffs and hangings of great value which he had +brought back from Nepal had been hung on the walls +and thrown over the furniture, whose commonplace +ugliness was an offence to him. He was dirtying them +out, he said, before presenting them to a museum. +My haste to rejoin him had been so great, that I +found him still at table when I came in; as I excused +myself for disturbing his meal:</p> + +<p>“But I have no intention of letting you disturb it,” +he said, “and I expect you to let me finish it. If you +had come to dinner, I should have given you some +Chiraz—the wine that Hafiz celebrated—but it is +too late now; one must only drink it fasting; but +you’ll take some liqueur, won’t you?”</p> + +<p>I accepted, thinking he would take some too, and +when only one glass was brought in, I expressed astonishment.</p> + +<p>“Forgive me,” he said, “but I hardly ever drink +such things.”</p> + +<p>“Are you afraid of getting drunk?”</p> + +<p>“Oh!” replied he, “on the contrary! But I consider +sobriety a more powerful intoxication—in which I +keep my lucidity.”</p> + +<p>“And you pour the drink out for others?”</p> + +<p>He smiled.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_123">[123]</span></p> + +<p>“I cannot,” said he, “expect everyone to have my +virtues. It’s good enough to meet with my vices....”</p> + +<p>“You smoke, at any rate?”</p> + +<p>“No, not even that. Smoking is an impersonal, +negative, too easily achieved kind of drunkenness; +what I want from drunkenness is an enhancement +not a diminution of life. But that’s enough. Do you +know where I have just come from? Biskra. I heard +you had been staying there, and I thought I would +like to follow up your tracks. What could the blindfolded +scholar, the learned bookworm have come to +do at Biskra? It’s my habit to be discreet only about +things that are confided to me; for things that I find +out myself, I’ll admit that I have an unbounded curiosity. +So I searched, poked about, questioned wherever +I could. My indiscretion was rewarded, since it +has made me wish to meet you again; since instead of +the learned man of habit you seemed to be in the old +days, I know now that you are ... it’s for you to +tell me what.”</p> + +<p>I felt myself blushing.</p> + +<p>“What did you find out about me, Ménalque?”</p> + +<p>“Do you want to know? But there’s no need to be +alarmed! You know your friends and mine well +enough to be sure there is no-one I can talk to about +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_124">[124]</span>you. You saw how well your lecture was understood?”</p> + +<p>“But,” said I, a little impatiently, “there’s nothing +yet to prove that I can talk to you better than to +them. Come on then! What is it you found out about +me?”</p> + +<p>“First of all, that you had been ill.”</p> + +<p>“But there’s nothing in that to ...”</p> + +<p>“Oh, yes! That in itself is very important. Then I +was told you liked going out alone, without a book +(that’s what started me wondering), or, when you +were not alone, you preferred the company of children +to that of your wife ... Don’t blush like +that, or I shan’t go on.”</p> + +<p>“Go on without looking at me.”</p> + +<p>“One of the children—his name was Moktir, if I +remember right—(I have scarcely ever seen a handsomer +boy, and never a greater little swindler) +seemed to have a good deal to say about you. I enticed +him—I bribed him to confide in me ... not +an easy thing to do, as you know, for I think it was +only another lie, when he said he was not lying that +time.... Tell me whether what he told me about +you is true.”</p> + +<p>In the meantime, Ménalque had got up and taken +a little box out of a drawer.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_125">[125]</span></p> + +<p>“Are these scissors yours?” he said, opening the +box and taking out a shapeless, twisted, rusty object, +which, however, I had little difficulty in recognizing +as the pair of scissors Moktir had purloined.</p> + +<p>“Yes, they are; they were my wife’s scissors.”</p> + +<p>“He pretends he took them when your head was +turned away one day he was alone in the room with +you; but that’s not the point; he pretends that at the +moment he was hiding them in his burnous, he saw +you were watching him in the glass and caught the +reflection of your eyes looking at him. You saw the +theft and said nothing! Moktir was very much astonished +at this silence—and so was I.”</p> + +<p>“And I am too at what you have just said. What! +Do you mean to say he knew I had caught him +at it?”</p> + +<p>“It isn’t that that matters; you were trying to be +more cunning than he; it’s a game at which children +like that will always get the better of us. You thought +you had him, and in reality, it was he who had +you.... But that’s not what matters. I should like +an explanation of your silence.”</p> + +<p>“I should like one myself.”</p> + +<p>Some time passed without a word from either of +us. Ménalque, who was pacing up and down the +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_126">[126]</span>room, lighted a cigarette absent-mindedly and then +immediately threw it away.</p> + +<p>“The fact is,” said he, “there’s a ‘sense,’ as people +say, ‘a sense’ which seems to be lacking in you, +my dear Michel.”</p> + +<p>“The ‘moral sense,’” said I, forcing myself to smile.</p> + +<p>“Oh, no! simply the sense of property.”</p> + +<p>“You don’t seem to have much of it yourself.”</p> + +<p>“I have so little of it that, as you see, nothing in +this place is mine; not even—or rather, especially +not, the bed I sleep on. I have a horror of rest; possessions +encourage one to indulge in it, and there’s +nothing like security for making one fall asleep; I +like life well enough to want to live it awake, and so, +in the very midst of my riches, I maintain the sensation +of a state of precariousness, by which means I +aggravate, or at any rate intensify my life. I will +not say I like danger, but I like life to be hazardous, +and I want it to demand at every moment the whole +of my courage, my happiness, my health....”</p> + +<p>“Then what do you blame me for?” I interrupted.</p> + +<p>“Oh, how little you understand me, my dear +Michel; for once that I am foolish enough to try and +make a profession of faith!... If I care little for +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_127">[127]</span>the approbation or disapprobation of men, Michel, +it is not in order to approve or disapprove in my +turn; those words have very little sense for me. I +spoke of myself too much just now.... I was carried +away by thinking you understood me.... I simply +meant to say that, for a person who has not got the +sense of property, you seem to possess a great deal. +Isn’t that rather serious?”</p> + +<p>“And what is this great deal I possess?”</p> + +<p>“Nothing, if you take it in that way.... But are +you not beginning a course of lectures? Have you not +an estate in Normandy? Have you not just settled +yourself—and luxuriously too—in an apartment at +Passy? You are married? Are you not expecting a +child?”</p> + +<p>“Well!” said I, impatiently, “it merely proves that +I have succeeded in making my life more dangerous +than yours.”</p> + +<p>“Yes, merely,” repeated Ménalque ironically; +then, turning abruptly, he put out his hand:</p> + +<p>“Well, good-bye now; I don’t think any more talk +tonight would be of much use. But I shall see you +again soon.”</p> + +<p>Some time went by before I saw him again.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_128">[128]</span></p> + +<p>Fresh work, fresh preoccupations took up my time; +an Italian scholar brought to my notice some new +documents he had discovered which were important +for my lectures and which I had to study at some +length. The feeling that my first lesson had been misunderstood +stimulated me to shed a different and +more powerful light on the succeeding ones; I was +thus led to enounce as a doctrine what I had at first +only tentatively suggested as an ingenious hypothesis. +How many assertions owe their strength to the +lucky circumstance that as suggestions they were not +understood? In my own case, I admit I cannot distinguish +what proportion of obstinacy may have +mingled with my natural propensity for asserting my +opinions. The new things I had to say seemed to me +especially urgent because of the difficulty of saying +them, and above all of getting them understood.</p> + +<p>But, alas, how pale words become when compared +with deeds! Was not Ménalque’s life, Ménalque’s +slightest action a thousand times more eloquent than +my lectures? How well I understood now that the +great philosophers of antiquity, whose teaching was +almost wholly moral, worked by example as much—even +more than by precept!</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_129">[129]</span></p> + +<p>The next time I saw Ménalque was in my own +house, nearly three weeks after our first meeting. We +had been giving a crowded evening party, and he +came in almost at the end of it. In order to avoid +being continually disturbed, Marceline and I had +settled to be at home on Thursdays; in this way it +was easier to keep our doors shut for the rest of the +week. Every Thursday evening then, those people +who called themselves our friends used to come and +see us; our rooms were large enough to hold a good +many guests and they used to stay late. I think that +what attracted them most was Marceline’s exquisite +charm and the pleasure of talking to each other, for +as to myself, from the very beginning of these parties, +there was nothing I could find either to say or to +listen to, and it was with difficulty I concealed my +boredom.</p> + +<p>That evening, I was wandering aimlessly from the +drawing-room to the smoking-room, from the antechamber +to the library, caught by a sentence here and +there, observing very little but looking about me +more or less vaguely.</p> + +<p>Antoine, Etienne and Godefroi were discussing the +last vote in the Chamber, as they lolled on my wife’s +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_130">[130]</span>elegant armchairs. Hubert and Louis were carelessly +turning over some fine etchings from my father’s +collection, entirely regardless of how they were creasing +them. In the smoking-room, Mathias, the better +to listen to Leonard, had put his red-hot cigar down +on a rosewood table. A glass of curaçoa had been +spilt on the carpet. Albert was sprawling impudently +on a sofa, with his muddy boots dirtying the cover. +And the very dust of the air one breathed came from +the horrible wear and tear of material objects.... +A frantic desire seized me to send all my guests packing. +Furniture, stuffs, prints, lost all their value for +me at the first stain; things stained were things +touched by disease, with the mark of death on them. +I wanted to save them, to lock them up in a cupboard +for my own use alone. How lucky Ménalque +is, thought I, to have no possessions! The reason I +puffer is that I want to preserve things. But after all, +what does it really matter to me?...</p> + +<p>There was a small, less brilliantly lighted drawing-room, +partitioned off by a transparent glass door, +and there Marceline was receiving some of her more +intimate friends; she was half reclining on a pile of +cushions and looked so fearfully pale and tired that +I suddenly took fright and vowed that this reception +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_131">[131]</span>should be the last. It was already late. I was beginning +to take out my watch, when I suddenly felt +Moktir’s little scissors in my pocket.</p> + +<p>“Why did the little wretch steal them,” thought +I, “if it was only to spoil and destroy them at once?”</p> + +<p>At that moment someone touched me on the shoulder; +I turned quickly; it was Ménalque.</p> + +<p>He was almost the only person in evening dress. +He had just arrived. He asked me to present him to +my wife; I should certainly not have done so of my +own accord. Ménalque was distinguished looking—almost +handsome; his face was like a pirate’s, barred +by an enormous drooping moustache, already quite +grey; his eyes shone with a cold flame that denoted +courage and decision rather than kindness. He was +no sooner standing before Marceline than I knew +she had taken a dislike to him. After he had exchanged +a few banal words of courtesy with her, I +carried him off to the smoking-room.</p> + +<p>I had heard that very morning of the new mission +on which the Colonial Office was sending him; the +newspapers, as they recalled his adventurous career, +seemed to have forgotten their recent base insults and +now could find no words fine enough to praise him +with. Each was more eager than the other to extol +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_132">[132]</span>and exaggerate his services to his country, to the +whole of humanity, as if he never undertook anything +but with a humanitarian purpose; and they +quoted examples of his abnegation, his devotion, his +courage, as if such encomiums might be considered +a reward.</p> + +<p>I began to congratulate him, but he interrupted me +at the first words.</p> + +<p>“What! You too, my dear Michel! But <em>you</em> didn’t +begin by insulting me,” said he. “Leave all that +nonsense to the papers. They seem to be surprised +that a man with a certain reputation can still have +any virtues at all. They establish distinctions and +reserves which I cannot apply to myself, for I exist +only as a whole; my only claim is to be natural, and +the pleasure I feel in an action, I take as a sign that +I ought to do it.”</p> + +<p>“That may lead far,” I said.</p> + +<p>“Indeed I hope so,” answered Ménalque. “If only +the people we know could persuade themselves of the +truth of this! But most of them believe that it is only +by constraint they can get any good out of themselves, +and so they live in a state of psychological +distortion. It is his own self that each of them is most +afraid of resembling. Each of them sets up a pattern +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_133">[133]</span>and imitates it; he doesn’t even choose the pattern +he imitates; he accepts a pattern that has been chosen +for him. And yet I verily believe there are other +things to be read in man. But people don’t dare to—they +don’t dare to turn the page. Laws of imitation! +Laws of fear, I call them. The fear of finding oneself +alone—that is what they suffer from—and so they +don’t find themselves at all. I detest such moral +agoraphobia—the most odious cowardice I call it. +Why, one always has to be alone to invent anything—but +they don’t want to invent anything. The part +in each of us that we feel is different from other +people is just the part that is rare, the part that +makes our special value—and that is the very thing +people try to suppress. They go on imitating. And +yet they think they love life.”</p> + +<p>I let Ménalque speak on; he was saying exactly +what I myself had said the month before to Marceline; +I ought to have approved him. For what reason, +through what moral cowardice did I interrupt him +and say, in imitation of Marceline, the very sentence +word for word with which she had interrupted me +then?</p> + +<p>“But, my dear Ménalque, you can’t expect each +one of them to be different from all the others.”...</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_134">[134]</span></p> + +<p>Ménalque stopped speaking abruptly, looked at +me oddly and then, as at that very moment Eusèbe +came up to take leave, he unceremoniously turned his +back on me and went off to talk about some trifle or +other to Hector.</p> + +<p>The words were no sooner out of my mouth than +I realized not only that they were stupid, but worse +still, that they might have given Ménalque the impression +that I thought his remarks had been pointed +at me. It was late; my guests were leaving. When +the drawing-room was nearly empty, Ménalque +came back to me.</p> + +<p>“I can’t leave you like this,” he said. “No doubt, +I misunderstood what you said. Let me at least +hope so.”</p> + +<p>“No,” I answered, “you did not misunderstand +it ... but it was senseless, and I had no sooner said +it than I knew it was foolish. I was sorry, and especially +sorry to think it would make you place me +among the very people you were attacking and who, +I assure you, are as odious to me as to you. I hate +people of principle.”</p> + +<p>“Yes,” answered Ménalque, laughing, “there is +nothing more detestable in the world. It is impossible +to expect any sort of sincerity from them; for they +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_135">[135]</span>never do anything but what their principles have decreed +they should do; or if they do, they think they +have done wrong. At the mere suspicion you might +be one of them, the words froze on my lips. I felt +by my distress what a great affection I have for you; +I hoped I was mistaken—not in my affection, but in +the conclusion I had drawn.”</p> + +<p>“Yes, really; your conclusion was wrong.”</p> + +<p>“Oh! it was, I am sure,” said he, suddenly taking +my hand. “Listen a moment; I shall soon be going +away, but I should like to see you again. My expedition +this time will be a longer one and more risky +than any of the others; I don’t know when I shall +come back. I must start in a fortnight’s time; no-one +knows I am leaving so soon; I tell you so in confidence. +I start at daybreak. The night before leaving +is always a night of terrible heart-ache for me. Give +me a proof that you are not a man of principle; may +I count on it that you will spend that last night with +me?”</p> + +<p>“But we shall see each other again before then,” I +said, a little astonished.</p> + +<p>“No; during the next fortnight I shall be at home +to no-one. I shall not even be in Paris. Tomorrow I +leave for Buda-Pesth; in six days’ time I must be in +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_136">[136]</span>Rome. I have friends dotted here and there to whom +I must say good-bye before leaving. There is one +expecting me in Madrid.”</p> + +<p>“Very well then, I will pass your night of vigil +with you.”</p> + +<p>“And we will have some Chiraz to drink,” said +Ménalque.</p> + +<hr class="tb" aria-roledescription="thought break"> + +<p>A few days after this party, Marceline began to +feel less well. I have already said she was easily tired; +but she did not complain, and as I attributed her +fatigue to her condition, I thought it natural and felt +no particular anxiety. A rather foolish—or rather +ignorant—old doctor had at first been over reassuring. +Some fresh symptoms, however, accompanied by +fever, decided me to send for Dr. Tr... who was +considered at that time the cleverest specialist in +Paris for such cases. He expressed astonishment that +I had not called him in sooner and prescribed a strict +régime which she ought to have begun to follow some +time ago. Marceline had been very courageous, but +not very prudent, and had overtired herself. She was +told she must now lie up till the date of her confinement, +which was expected about the end of January. +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_137">[137]</span>Feeling no doubt a little anxious and more unwell +than she would admit, Marceline consented very +meekly to the most tiresome orders. She had a moment’s +rebellion, however, when Tr... prescribed +quinine in such heavy doses that she knew it might +endanger the child. For three days she obstinately +refused to take it; then as her fever increased she was +obliged to submit to that too; but this time it was +with deep sadness and as if she were mournfully +giving up all hope of the future; the resolution which +had hitherto sustained her seemed broken down by +a kind of religious resignation, and her condition +grew suddenly worse in the days that followed.</p> + +<p>I tended her with greater care than ever, did my +best to reassure her and repeated the very words Dr. +Tr... had used, that he could see nothing very serious +in her case; but her extreme anxiety ended by +alarming me too. Alas! our happiness was already +resting on the dangerous foundations of hope—and +hope of what an uncertain future! I, who at first had +taken pleasure only in the past, may have one day +felt, thought I, the sudden and intoxicating sweetness +of a fugitive moment, but the future disenchants the +present even more than the present then disenchanted +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_138">[138]</span>the past; and since our night at Sorrento my whole +love, my whole life have been projected into the +future.</p> + +<hr class="tb" aria-roledescription="thought break"> + +<p>In the meantime the evening I had promised +Ménalque came round; and notwithstanding the reluctance +I felt at abandoning Marceline for a whole +winter’s night, I got her, as best I could, to acknowledge +the solemnity of the occasion and the gravity +of my promise. Marceline was a little better that +evening and yet I was anxious; a nurse took my place +beside her. But as soon as I was in the street, my +anxiety gained ground; I shook it off, struggled +against it, was angry with myself for not being better +able to get rid of it; thus I gradually reached a state +of excessive tension, of singular excitement, both +very unlike and very like the painful uneasiness from +which it sprang, but liker still to happiness. It was +late and I strode along rapidly; the snow began to +fall in thick flakes; I was glad to be breathing a +keener air, to be struggling with the cold; I was +happy with the wind, the night, the snow against me; +I rejoiced in my strength.</p> + +<p>Ménalque had heard me coming and came out on +to the landing to welcome me. He was waiting for +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_139">[139]</span>me not without impatience. His face was pale and +he looked overwrought. He helped me off with my +overcoat and forced me to change my wet boots +for some soft Persian slippers. Sweets and cakes were +standing on a small table by the fire. There were +two lamps, but the light in the room came chiefly +from the fire on the hearth. Ménalque immediately +enquired after Marceline; for the sake of simplicity +I answered that she was very well.</p> + +<p>“Are you expecting your child soon?” he went on.</p> + +<p>“In a month.”</p> + +<p>Ménalque bent down towards the fire as if he +wished to hide his face. He remained silent. He remained +silent so long that at last I felt embarrassed, +and as I myself could think of nothing to say either, +I got up, took a few steps, and then went up to him +and put my hand on his shoulder. Presently, as +though he were pursuing his thoughts aloud:</p> + +<p>“One must choose,” he murmured. “The chief +thing is to know what one wants....”</p> + +<p>“Don’t you want to go?” I asked, in some uncertainty +as to what he meant.</p> + +<p>“It looks like it.”</p> + +<p>“Are you hesitating then?”</p> + +<p>“What is the use? You have a wife and child, so +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_140">[140]</span>stay at home.... Of the thousand forms of life, +each of us can know but one. It is madness to envy +other people’s happiness; one would not know what +to do with it. Happiness won’t come to one ready-made; +it has to be made to measure. I am going +away tomorrow; yes, I know; I have tried to cut out +my happiness to fit me ... keep your calm happiness +of hearth and home....”</p> + +<p>“<em>I</em> cut out my happiness to fit me too,” I said, “but +I have grown; I am not at ease in my happiness now; +sometimes I think it is strangling me....”</p> + +<p>“Pooh! you’ll get accustomed to it!” said Ménalque. +Then he planted himself in front of me and +looked deep into my eyes; as I found nothing to say, +he smiled rather sadly.</p> + +<p>“One imagines one possesses and in reality one is +possessed,” he went on. “Pour yourself out a glass of +Chiraz, dear Michel; you won’t often taste it; and +eat some of those rose-coloured sweets which the +Persians take with it. I shall drink with you this evening, +forget that I am leaving tomorrow, and talk +as if the night were long.... Do you know the +reason why poetry and philosophy are nothing but +dead letter now-a-days? It is because they have severed +themselves from life. In Greece, ideas went hand +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_141">[141]</span>in hand with life; so that the artist’s life itself was +already a poetic realization, the philosopher’s life a +putting into action of his philosophy; in this way, +as both philosophy and poetry took part in life, instead +of remaining unacquainted with each other, +philosophy provided food for poetry, and poetry +gave expression to philosophy—and the result was +admirably persuasive. Now-a-days beauty no longer +acts; action no longer desires to be beautiful; and +wisdom works in a sphere apart.”</p> + +<p>“But <em>you</em> live your wisdom,” said I; “why do you +not write your memoirs? Or simply,” I added, seeing +him smile, “recollections of your travels?”</p> + +<p>“Because I do not want to recollect,” he replied. +“I should be afraid of preventing the future and +of allowing the past to encroach on me. It is out +of the utter forgetfulness of yesterday that I create +every new hour’s freshness. It is never enough for me +to have been happy. I do not believe in dead things +and cannot distinguish between being no more and +never having been.”</p> + +<p>These words were too far in advance of my +thoughts not to end by irritating me; I should have +liked to hang back, to stop him; but I tried in vain +to contradict, and besides I was more irritated with +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_142">[142]</span>myself than with Ménalque. I remained silent therefore, +while he, sometimes pacing up and down like a +wild beast in a cage, sometimes stooping over the +fire, kept up a long and moody silence, or again broke +abruptly into words:</p> + +<p>“If only our paltry minds,” he said, “were able to +embalm our memories! But memories keep badly. +The most delicate fade and shrivel; the most voluptuous +decay; the most delicious are the most dangerous +in the end. The things one repents of were at first +delicious.”</p> + +<p>Again a long silence; and then he went on:</p> + +<p>“Regrets, remorse, repentance, are past joys seen +from behind. I don’t like looking backwards and I +leave my past behind me as the bird leaves his shade +to fly away. Oh, Michel! every joy is always awaiting +us, but it must always be the only one; it insists +on finding the bed empty and demands from us +a widower’s welcome. Oh, Michel! every joy is like +the manna of the desert which corrupts from one +day to the next; it is like the fountain of Ameles, +whose waters, says Plato, could never be kept in any +vase.... Let every moment carry away with it +all that it brought.”</p> + +<p>Ménalque went on speaking for long; I cannot +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_143">[143]</span>repeat all his words; but many of them were imprinted +on my mind the more deeply, the more anxious +I was to forget them; not that they taught me +much that was new—but they suddenly laid bare my +thoughts—thoughts I had shrouded in so many coverings +that I had almost hoped to smother them.</p> + +<p>And so the night of watching passed.</p> + +<p>The next morning, after I had seen Ménalque into +the train that carried him away, as I was walking +home on my way back to Marceline, I felt horribly +sad and full of hatred of his cynical joy; I wanted to +believe it was a sham; I tried to deny it. I was angry +with myself for not having found anything to say +to him in reply; for having said words that might +make him doubt my happiness, my love. And I clung +to my doubtful happiness—my “calm happiness,” +as Ménalque had called it; I could not, it was true, +banish uneasiness from it, but I assured myself +that uneasiness was the very food of love. I imagined +the future and saw my child smiling at me; for his +sake I would strengthen my character, I would build +it up anew.... Yes, I walked with a confident step.</p> + +<p>Alas! when I got in that morning, I was struck by +a sight of unaccustomed disorder. The nurse met me +and told me guardedly that my wife had been seized +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_144">[144]</span>in the night with bad sickness and pains, though she +did not think the term of her confinement was at +hand; feeling very ill, she had sent for the doctor; +he had arrived post-haste in the night and had not +yet left the patient; then, seeing me change colour, I +suppose, she tried to reassure me, said that things +were going much better now, that ... I rushed to +Marceline’s room.</p> + +<p>The room was darkened and at first I could make +out nothing but the doctor, who signed to me to be +quiet; then I saw a figure in the dark I did not know. +Anxiously, noiselessly, I drew near the bed. Marceline’s +eyes were shut; she was so terribly pale that at +first I thought she was dead; but she turned her head +towards me, though without opening her eyes. The +unknown figure was in a dark corner of the room, arranging, +hiding, various objects; I saw shining instruments, +cotton wool; I saw, I thought I saw a +cloth stained with blood.... I felt I was tottering. +I almost fell into the doctor’s arms; he held me up. +I understood; I was afraid of understanding....</p> + +<p>“The child?” I asked anxiously.</p> + +<p>He shrugged his shoulders sadly. I lost all sense +of what I was doing and flung myself sobbing against +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_145">[145]</span>the bed. Oh! how suddenly the future had come upon +me! The ground had given way abruptly beneath my +feet; there was nothing there but an empty hole into +which I stumbled headlong.</p> + +<hr class="tb" aria-roledescription="thought break"> + +<p>My recollections here are lost in dark confusion. +Marceline, however, seemed at first to recover fairly +quickly. The Christmas holidays allowed me a little +respite and I was able to spend nearly the whole day +with her. I read or wrote in her room, or read aloud +to her quietly. I never went out without bringing her +back flowers. I remembered the tenderness with which +she had nursed me when I was ill, and surrounded her +with so much love that sometimes she smiled as +though it made her happy. Not a word was exchanged +about the melancholy accident that had shattered +our hopes....</p> + +<p>Then phlebitis declared itself; and when that got +better, a clot of blood suddenly set her hovering between +life and death. It was night time; I remember +leaning over her, feeling my heart stop and go on +again with hers. How many nights I watched by her +bedside, my eyes obstinately fixed on her, hoping by +the strength of my love to instil some of my own +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_146">[146]</span>life into hers. I no longer thought much about happiness; +my single melancholy pleasure was sometimes +seeing Marceline smile.</p> + +<p>My lectures had begun again. How did I find +strength to prepare them, to deliver them?... My +memory of this time is blurred; I have forgotten how +the weeks passed. And yet there was a little incident +I must tell you about.</p> + +<p>It was one morning, a little after the embolism; I +was sitting with Marceline; she seemed a little better, +but she was still ordered to keep absolutely motionless; +she was not allowed to move even her arms. I +bent over her to give her some drink and after she +had drunk, and as I was still stooping over her, she +begged me, in a voice made weaker still by her emotion, +to open a little box, which she showed me by +the direction of her glance; it was close by, on the +table; I opened it and found it full of ribbons, bits of +lace, little ornaments of no value.... I wondered +what she wanted. I brought the box to her bedside +and took out every object one by one. Was it this? +That?... No, not yet; and I felt her getting agitated +“Oh, Marceline, is it this little rosary you +want?”</p> + +<p>She tried to smile.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_147">[147]</span></p> + +<p>“Are you afraid then that I shan’t nurse you properly?”</p> + +<p>“Oh, my dear,” she murmured. And I remembered +our conversation at Biskra, and her timid reproaches +when she heard me refuse what she called “the help +of God.” I went on a little roughly:</p> + +<p>“<em>I</em> got well alone all right.”</p> + +<p>“I prayed for you so much,” she answered.</p> + +<p>She said the words tenderly, sadly. There was +something anxious and imploring in her look.... +I took the rosary and slipped it into her weak hand +as it lay on the sheet beside her. A tearful, love-laden +glance rewarded me—but I could not answer it; I +waited another moment or two, feeling awkward and +embarrassed; finally not knowing what to do, “Goodbye,” +I said, and left the room, with a feeling of hostility, +and as though I had been turned out of it.</p> + +<hr class="tb" aria-roledescription="thought break"> + +<p>Meanwhile the horrible clot had brought on serious +trouble; after her heart had escaped, it attacked +her lungs, brought on congestion, impeded her breathing, +made it short and laborious. I thought she would +never get well. Disease had taken hold of Marceline, +never again to leave her; it had marked her, stained +her. Henceforth she was a thing that had been spoilt.</p> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" aria-roledescription="new chapter"> +<div class="chapter"> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_148">[148]</span></p> + + + <h3 class="nobreak" id="iii_1"> + iii + </h3> +</div> + + +<p>The weather was now becoming warmer. As soon +as my lectures were over, I took Marceline to La +Morinière, the doctor having told me that all immediate +danger was past and that nothing would be +more likely to complete her cure than a change to +purer air. I myself was in great need of rest. The +nights I had spent nursing her, almost entirely by +myself, the prolonged anxiety, and especially the kind +of physical sympathy which had made me at the +time of her attack feel the fearful throbbing of her +heart in my own breast—all this had exhausted me +as much as if I myself had been ill.</p> + +<p>I should have preferred to take Marceline to the +mountains, but she expressed the strongest desire to +return to Normandy, declared that no climate could +be better for her and reminded me that I must not +neglect the two farms of which I had rather rashly +assumed the charge. She insisted that as I had made +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_149">[149]</span>myself responsible for them, it was my business to +make them succeed. No sooner had we arrived therefore, +than she urged me to visit the estate immediately.... +I am not sure that her friendly insistence +did not go with a good deal of abnegation; she +was afraid perhaps, that as she still required assistance, +I might think myself bound to stay with her +and not feel as free as I might wish to.... Marceline +was better however; the colour had returned to +her cheeks, and nothing gave me greater comfort +than to feel her smile was less sad; I was able to leave +her without uneasiness.</p> + +<p>I went then to the farms. The first hay was being +made. The scented air, heavy with pollen, at first +went to my head like a strong drink. I felt that I had +hardly breathed at all since last year, or breathed +nothing but dust, so drowned was I in the honied +sweetness of the atmosphere. The bank, on which I +seated myself in a kind of intoxication, overlooked the +house; I saw its blue roofs; I saw the still waters of +the moat; all around were fields, some newly mown, +others rich with grass; further on, the curve of the +brook; further again, the woods where last autumn +I had so often gone riding with Charles. A sound of +singing, which I had been listening to for the last moment +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_150">[150]</span>or two, drew near; it was the haymakers going +home, with a fork or a rake on their shoulders. I +recognized nearly all of them, and the unpleasant +recollection came to me that I was not there as an enchanted +traveller, but as their master. I went up to +them, smiled, spoke to them, enquired after each of +them in turn. Bocage that morning had already given +me a report of the crops; he had indeed kept me regularly +informed by letter of everything that went on +in the farms. They were not doing so badly—much +better than Bocage had led me to expect. But my arrival +was being awaited in order to take some important +decisions, and during the next few days I +devoted myself to farm business to the best of my +ability—not taking much pleasure in it, but hoping +by this semblance of work to give some stability to +my disintegrated life.</p> + +<p>As soon as Marceline was well enough to receive visitors, +a few friends came to stay with us. They were +affectionate, quiet people and Marceline liked their +society, but it had the effect of making me leave the +house with more pleasure than usual. I preferred the +society of the farm hands; I felt that with them there +was more to be learnt—not that I questioned them—no; +and I hardly know how to express the kind of rapture +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_151">[151]</span>I felt when I was with them; I seemed to feel +things with their senses rather than with my own—and +while I knew what our friends were going to say +before they opened their mouths, the mere sight of +these poor fellows filled me with perpetual amazement.</p> + +<p>If at first they appeared as condescending in their +answers as I tried to avoid being in my questions, +they soon became more tolerant of my presence. I +came into closer contact with them. Not content with +following them at their work, I wanted to see them +at their play; their obtuse thoughts had little interest +for me, but I shared their meals, listened to +their jokes, fondly watched their pleasures. By a +kind of sympathy similar to that which had made +my heart throb at the throbs of Marceline’s, their +alien sensations immediately awoke the echo of my +own—no vague echo, but a sharp and precise one. +I felt my own arms grow stiff with the mower’s +stiffness; I was weary with his weariness; the +mouthful of cider he drank quenched my thirst; +I felt it slip down his throat; one day, one of them, +while sharpening his scythe, cut his thumb badly; +his pain hurt me to the bone.</p> + +<p>And it seemed to me that it was no longer with my +sight alone that I became aware of the landscape, but +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_152">[152]</span>that I <em>felt</em> it as well by some sense of touch, which my +curious power of sympathy inimitably enlarged.</p> + +<p>Bocage’s presence was now a nuisance to me; when +he came I had to play the master, which I had no +longer the least inclination to do. I still gave orders—I +had to—still superintended the labourers; but I no +longer went on horseback, for fear of looking down on +them from too great a height. But notwithstanding +the precautions I took to accustom them to my presence +and prevent them from feeling ill at ease in it, +in theirs I was still filled as before with an evil curiosity. +There was a mystery about the existence of each +one of them. I always felt that a part of their lives +was concealed. What did they do when I was not +there? I refused to believe that they had not better +ways of amusing themselves. And I credited each of +them with a secret which I pertinaciously tried to +discover. I went about prowling, following, spying. +For preference I fastened on the rudest and roughest +among them, as if I expected to find a guiding light +shine from their darkness.</p> + +<p>One in particular attracted me; he was fairly good-looking, +tall, not in the least stupid, but wholly +guided by instinct, never acting but on the spur of +the moment, blown hither and thither by every passing +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_153">[153]</span>impulse. He did not belong to the place, and had +been taken on by some chance. An excellent worker +for two days—and on the third dead drunk. One +night I crept furtively down to the barn to see him; +he lay sprawling in a heavy, drunken sleep. I stayed +looking at him a long time.... One fine day, he +went as he had come. How much I should have liked +to know along what roads!... I learnt that same +evening that Bocage had dismissed him.</p> + +<p>I was furious with Bocage and sent for him.</p> + +<p>“It seems you have dismissed Pierre,” I began. +“Will you kindly tell me why?”</p> + +<p>He was a little taken aback by my anger, though I +tried to moderate it.</p> + +<p>“You didn’t want to keep a dirty drunkard, did +you, Sir? A fellow who led all our best men into +mischief!”</p> + +<p>“It’s my business to know the men I want to keep, +not yours.”</p> + +<p>“A regular waster! No-one knew where he came +from. It gave the place a bad name.... If he had +set fire to the barn one night, you mightn’t have been +so pleased, Sir.”</p> + +<p>“That’s my affair, I tell you. It’s my farm, isn’t +it? I mean to manage it in my own way. In future, +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_154">[154]</span>be so good as to give me your reasons before dismissing +people.”</p> + +<p>Bocage, as I have told you, had known me since +my childhood. However wounding my tone, he was +too much attached to me to be much offended. He +did not, in fact, take me sufficiently seriously. The +Normandy peasant is too often disinclined to believe +anything of which he cannot fathom the motive—that +is to say, anything not prompted by interest. +Bocage simply considered this quarrel as a piece of +absurdity.</p> + +<p>I did not want, however, to break off the conversation +on a note of blame; feeling I had been too sharp +with him, I cast about for something pleasant to add.</p> + +<p>“Isn’t your son Charles coming back soon?” I +ended by asking after a moment’s silence.</p> + +<p>“I thought you had quite forgotten him, Sir; you +seemed to trouble your head about him so little,” said +Bocage, still rather hurt.</p> + +<p>“Forget him, Bocage! How could I, after all we +did together last year? I’m counting on him in fact +to help me with the farms....”</p> + +<p>“You’re very good, Sir. Charles is coming home in +a week’s time.”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_155">[155]</span></p> + +<p>“Well, I’m glad to hear it, Bocage,” and I dismissed +him.</p> + +<p>Bocage was not far wrong; I had not of course forgotten +Charles, but I now cared very little about him. +How can I explain that after such vehement camaraderie, +my feeling for him now should be so flat and +spiritless? The fact is my occupations and tastes +were no longer the same as last year. My two farms, +I must admit, did not interest me so much as the +people employed on them; and if I wanted to foregather +with them, Charles would be very much in +the way. He was far too reasonable and too respectable. +So notwithstanding the vivid and delightful +memories I kept of him, I looked forward with some +apprehension to his return.</p> + +<p>He returned. Oh, how right I had been to be apprehensive—and +how right Ménalque was to repudiate +all memories! There entered the room in Charles’s +place an absurd individual with a bowler hat. Heavens! +how changed he was! Embarrassed and constrained +though I felt, I tried not to respond too +frigidly to the joy he showed at seeing me again; but +even his joy was disagreeable to me; it was awkward, +and I thought insincere. I received him in the drawing-room, +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_156">[156]</span>and as it was late and dark, I could hardly +distinguish his face; but when the lamp was brought +in, I saw with disgust he had let his whiskers grow.</p> + +<p>The conversation that evening was more or less +dreary; then, as I knew he would be continually at +the farms, I avoided going down to them for almost +a week, and fell back on my studies and the society +of my guests. And as soon as I began to go out again, +I was absorbed by a totally new occupation.</p> + +<p>Wood-cutters had invaded the woods. Every year +a part of the timber on the estate was sold; the woods +were marked off into twelve equal lots which were cut +in rotation and every year furnished, besides a few +fully grown trees, a certain amount of twelve-year-old +copse wood for faggots.</p> + +<p>This work was done in the winter, and the wood-cutters +were obliged by contract to have the ground +cleared before spring. But old Heurtevent, the timber-merchant +who directed operations, was so slack that +sometimes spring came upon the copses while the +wood was still lying on the ground; fresh, delicate +shoots could then be seen forcing their way upwards +through the dead branches, and when at last the +wood-cutters cleared the ground, it was not without +destroying many of the young saplings.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_157">[157]</span></p> + +<p>That year old Heurtevent’s remissness was even +greater than we had looked for. In the absence of any +other bidder, I had been obliged to let him have the +copse wood exceedingly cheap; so that being assured +in any case of a handsome profit, he took very little +pains to dispose of the timber which had cost him so +little. And from week to week he put off the work +with various excuses—a lack of labourers, or bad +weather, or a sick horse, or an urgent call for work +elsewhere, etc. etc.—with the result that as late as +the middle of summer, none of it had been removed.</p> + +<p>The year before, this would have irritated me to the +highest degree; this year it left me fairly calm; I +saw well enough the damage Heurtevent was causing +me; but the devastated woods were beautiful; it gave +me pleasure to wander in them, tracking and watching +the game, startling the vipers, and sometimes sitting +by the hour together on one of the fallen trunks +which still seemed to be living on, with green shoots +springing from its wounds.</p> + +<p>Then suddenly, about the middle of the last fortnight +in August, Heurtevent made up his mind to +send his men. Six of them came with orders to finish +the work in ten days. The part of the woods that had +been cut was that bordering on La Valterie; it was +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_158">[158]</span>arranged that the wood-cutters should have their +food brought them from the farm, in order to expedite +the work. The labourer chosen for this task was a +curious young rascal called Bute; he had just come +back from a term of military service which had +utterly demoralized him; but physically, he was in +admirable condition; he was one of the farm hands I +most enjoyed talking to. By this arrangement I was +able to see him without going down to the farm. For +it was just at that time that I began going out again. +For a few days I hardly left the woods except for my +meals at La Morinière, and I was very often late for +them. I pretended I had to superintend the work, +though in reality, I only went to see the workers.</p> + +<p>Sometimes two of Heurtevent’s sons joined the +batch of six men; one was about twenty, the other +about fifteen years old, long-limbed, wiry, hard-featured +young fellows. They had a foreign look +about them, and I learnt later that their mother was +actually a Spanish woman. I was astonished at first +that she should have travelled to such distant parts, +but Heurtevent had been a rolling stone in his youth +and had, it appears, married her in Spain. For this +reason he was rather looked askance at in the neighbourhood. +The first time I saw the younger of the +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_159">[159]</span>sons was, I remember, on a rainy day; he was alone, +sitting on a very high cart, on the top of a great pile +of faggots. He was lolling back among the branches, +and singing, or rather shouting, a kind of extraordinary +song, which was like nothing I had ever heard +in our parts. The cart-horses knew the road and followed +it without any guidance from him. I cannot +tell you the effect this song had on me; for I had +never heard its like except in Africa.... The boy +looked excited—drunk; when I passed, he did not +even glance at me. The next day, I learnt he was a +son of Heurtevent’s. It was in order to see him, or +rather in the hopes of seeing him, that I spent so +much time in the copse. The men by now had very +nearly finished clearing it. The young Heurtevents +came only three times. They seemed proud and I +could not get a word out of them.</p> + +<p>Bute, on the other hand, liked talking; I soon managed +to make him understand that there was nothing +it was not safe to say to me. Upon this he let himself +go and soon stripped the countryside of every rag +of respectability. I lapped up his mysterious secrets +with avidity. They surpassed my expectation and yet +at the same time failed to satisfy me. Was this what +was really grumbling below the surface of appearances +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_160">[160]</span>or was it merely another kind of hypocrisy? +No matter! I questioned Bute as I had questioned +the uncouth chronicles of the Goths. Fumes of the +abyss rose darkly from his stories and as I breathed +them uneasily and fearfully, my head began to turn. +He told me to begin with that Heurtevent had relations +with his daughter. I was afraid if I showed the +slightest disapprobation I should put an end to his +confidences; curiosity spurred me on.</p> + +<p>“And the mother? Doesn’t she object?”</p> + +<p>“The mother! She has been dead full twelve +years.... He used to beat her.”</p> + +<p>“How many are there in the family?”</p> + +<p>“Five children. You’ve seen the eldest son and the +youngest. There’s another of sixteen who’s delicate +and wants to turn priest. And then the eldest daughter +has already had two children by the father.”</p> + +<p>And little by little, I learnt a good deal more, so +that do what I would, my imagination began to circle +round the lurid attractions of Heurtevent’s house like +a blow-fly round a putrid piece of meat. One night +the eldest son had tried to rape a young servant girl, +and as she struggled, the father had intervened to +help his son and had held her with his huge hands; +while the second son went piously on with his prayers +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_161">[161]</span>on the floor above, and the youngest looked on at +the drama as an amused spectator. As far as the rape +is concerned, I imagine it was not very difficult, for +Bute went on to say that not long after, the servant +girl, having acquired a taste for this sort of thing, +had tried to seduce the young priest.</p> + +<p>“And hasn’t she succeeded?” I asked.</p> + +<p>“He hasn’t given in so far, but he’s a bit wobbly,” +answered Bute.</p> + +<p>“Didn’t you say there was another daughter?”</p> + +<p>“Yes; she picks up as many fellows as she can lay +hold of. And all for nothing too. When she’s set on +it, she wouldn’t mind paying herself. But you mustn’t +carry on at her father’s. He would give you what for. +He says you can do as you like in your own house, +but don’t let other people come nosing round! Pierre +the farm hand you sent away, got a nasty knock on +the head one night, though he held his tongue about +it. Since then, she has her chaps in the home woods.”</p> + +<p>“Have you had a go yourself?” I asked with an +encouraging look.</p> + +<p>He dropped his eyes for form’s sake and said, +chuckling:</p> + +<p>“Every now and then.” Then, raising his eyes +quickly, “So has old Bocage’s boy,” he added.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_162">[162]</span></p> + +<p>“What boy is that?”</p> + +<p>“Alcide, the one who sleeps in the farm. Surely you +know him, Sir?”</p> + +<p>I was simply astounded to hear Bocage had another +son.</p> + +<p>“It is true,” went on Bute, “that last year he was +still at his uncle’s. But it’s very odd you’ve never met +him in the woods, Sir; he poaches in them nearly +every night.”</p> + +<p>Bute said these last words in a lower voice. He +looked at me and I saw it was essential to smile. +Then Bute seemed satisfied and went on:</p> + +<p>“Good Lord, Sir, of course you know your woods +are poached. They’re so big it doesn’t do much harm +to anyone.”</p> + +<p>I looked so far from being displeased that Bute +was emboldened to go on, and I think now he was +glad to do Bocage an ill turn. He pointed out one or +two hollows in the ground in which Alcide had set +his snares, and then showed me a place in the hedge +where I should be almost certain of catching him. It +was a boundary hedge and ran along the top of a +bank; there was a narrow opening in it through which +Alcide was in the habit of coming about six o’clock +in the evening. At this place Bute and I amused ourselves +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_163">[163]</span>by stretching a copper wire which we very +neatly concealed. Then, having made me swear not +to give him away, Bute departed.</p> + +<p>For three evenings I waited in vain. I began to +think Bute had played me a trick.... At last on +the fourth evening, I heard a light step approaching. +My heart began to beat and I had a sudden revelation +of the horrible allurement of the poacher’s life.... +The snare was so well set that Alcide walked +straight into it. I saw him suddenly fall flat, with his +ankle caught in the wire. He tried to save himself, +fell down again, and began struggling like a trapped +rabbit. But I had hold of him in an instant. He was +a wicked looking youngster, with green eyes, tow-coloured +hair and a ferrety expression. He started +kicking; then, as I held him so tight that he was +unable to move, he tried to bite; and when that +failed, he spat out the most extraordinary volley of +abuse I have ever heard. In the end I could resist no +longer and burst out laughing. At this, he stopped +abruptly, looked at me, and went on in a lower tone:</p> + +<p>“You brute, you! You’ve hurt me something horrible.”</p> + +<p>“Show me where.”</p> + +<p>He slipped his stocking down over his boot and +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_164">[164]</span>showed me his ankle, where a slight pink mark was +just visible.</p> + +<p>“It’s nothing at all.”</p> + +<p>He smiled a little; then, “I shall tell Father,” he +said in a cunning voice, “that it’s <em>you</em> who set +snares.”</p> + +<p>“Why, good Heavens, it’s one of your own!”</p> + +<p>“Sure enough, you never set that one.”</p> + +<p>“Why do you say that?”</p> + +<p>“You would never know how to set them as well +as that. Just show me how you did it.”</p> + +<p>“Give me a lesson....”</p> + +<p>That evening I came in very late for dinner; no-one +knew where I was and Marceline had been anxious. +But I did not tell her I had set six snares and +so far from scolding Alcide had given him ten sous.</p> + +<p>The next evening when I went with him to visit +the snares, much to my entertainment I found two +rabbits caught in them. Of course I let him take +them. The shooting season had not yet begun. I +wondered what became of the game, as it was impossible +to dispose of it openly without the risk of getting +into trouble. Alcide refused to tell me. Finally, I +learnt, through Bute again, that Heurtevent was the +receiver and his youngest son the go-between between +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_165">[165]</span>Alcide and him. Was this going to give me an opportunity +of a deeper insight into the secrets of that +mysterious, unapproachable family? With what passionate +eagerness I set about poaching!</p> + +<p>I met Alcide every evening; we caught great numbers +of rabbits and once even a young roe-deer which +still showed some faint signs of life; I cannot recall +without horror the delight Alcide took in killing it. +We put the deer in a place of safety from which +young Heurtevent could take it away at night.</p> + +<p>From that moment I no longer cared for going +out in the day, when there was so little to attract me +in the emptied woods. I even tried to work—melancholy, +purposeless work, for I had resigned my temporary +lectureship—thankless, dreary work, from +which I would be suddenly distracted by the slightest +song, the slightest sound coming from the country +outside; in every passing cry I heard an invitation. +How often I have leapt from my reading and run to +the window to see—nothing pass by! How often I +have hurried out of doors.... The only attention +I found possible was that of my five senses.</p> + +<p>But when night fell—and it was the season now +when night falls early—that was our hour. I had +never before guessed its beauty; and I stole out of +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_166">[166]</span>doors as a thief steals in. I had trained my eyes to be +like a night-bird’s. I wondered to see the grass taller +and more easily stirred, the trees denser. The dark +gave everything fresh dimensions, made the ground +look distant, lent every surface the quality of depth. +The smoothest path looked dangerous. Everywhere +one felt the awakening of creatures that lead a life +of darkness.</p> + +<p>“Where does your father think you are now?”</p> + +<p>“In the stables looking after the cattle.”</p> + +<p>Alcide slept there, I knew, close to the pigeons and +the hens; as he was locked in at night, he used to +creep out by a hole in the roof. There still hung about +his clothes a steamy odour of fowls.</p> + +<p>Then, as soon as the game had been collected, he +would disappear abruptly into the dark, as if down a +trap-door—without a sign of farewell, without a +word of tomorrow’s rendezvous. I knew that before +returning to the farm, where the dogs recognized +him and kept silent, he used to meet the Heurtevent +boy and deliver his goods. But where? Try +as I might, I was never able to find out; threats, +bribes, cunning—all failed; the Heurtevents remained +inaccessible. I cannot say where my folly +showed more triumphantly. Was it in this pursuit of +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_167">[167]</span>a trivial mystery, which constantly eluded me—or +had I even invented the mystery by the mere force +of my curiosity? But what did Alcide do when he +left me? Did he really sleep at the farm? Or did +he simply make the farmer think so? My compromising +myself was utterly useless; I merely +succeeded in lessening his respect without increasing +his confidence—and it both infuriated and distressed +me.</p> + +<p>After he had disappeared, I suddenly felt myself +horribly alone; I went back across the fields, through +the dew-drenched grass, my head reeling with darkness, +with lawlessness, with anarchy; dripping, +muddy, covered with leaves. In the distance there +shone from the sleeping house, guiding me like a +peaceful beacon, the lamp I had left alight in my +study, where Marceline thought I was working, or the +lamp of Marceline’s own bedroom. I had persuaded +her that I should not have been able to sleep without +first going out in this way. It was true; I had taken +a loathing to my bed. How greatly I should have +preferred the barn!</p> + +<hr class="tb" aria-roledescription="thought break"> + +<p>Game was plentiful that year; rabbits, hares, +pheasants succeeded each other. After three evenings, +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_168">[168]</span>Bute, seeing that everything was going so well, took +it into his head to join us.</p> + +<p>On the sixth of our poaching expeditions, we found +only two of the twelve snares we had set; somebody +had made a clearance during the daytime. Bute asked +me for five francs to buy some more copper wire, as +ordinary wire was no use.</p> + +<p>The next morning I had the gratification of seeing +my ten snares at Bocage’s house and I was obliged to +compliment him on his zeal. What annoyed me most +was that the year before I had foolishly offered fifty +centimes for every snare that was brought in; I had +therefore to give Bocage five francs. In the meantime +Bute had bought some more wire with the five francs +I had given him. Four days later, the same story! +Ten fresh snares were brought in; another five francs +to Bute; another five francs to Bocage. And as I congratulated +him:</p> + +<p>“It’s not me you must congratulate, Sir, it’s Alcide,” +he said.</p> + +<p>“No, really?” said I. Too much astonishment +might have given me away. I controlled myself.</p> + +<p>“Yes,” went on Bocage; “it can’t be helped, Sir, +I’m growing old. The lad looks around the woods instead +of me; he knows them very well; he can tell +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_169">[169]</span>better than I can where to look out for the snares.” +“I’m sure he can, Bocage.”</p> + +<p>“So out of the fifty centimes you give me, I let him +have twenty-five.”</p> + +<p>“He certainly deserves it. What! Twenty snares in +five days! Excellent work! The poachers had better +be careful. I wager they’ll lie low now.”</p> + +<p>“Oh, no, Sir. The more one takes, the more one +finds. Game is very dear this year, and for the few +pence it costs them ...”</p> + +<p>I had been so completely diddled that I felt almost +inclined to suspect old Bocage himself of having +a hand in the game. And what specially vexed me +in the business was not so much Alcide’s threefold +traffic as his deceitfulness. And then what did he and +Bute do with the money? I didn’t know. I should +never know anything about creatures like them. They +would always lie; they would go on deceiving me for +the sake of deceiving. That evening I gave Bute ten +francs instead of five and warned him it was for the +last time, that if the snares were taken again, so +much the worse, but I should not go on.</p> + +<p>The next day up came Bocage; he looked embarrassed—which +at once made me feel even more so. +What had happened? Bocage told me that Bute had +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_170">[170]</span>been out all night and had only come in at cockcrow. +The fellow was as drunk as a fiddler; at Bocage’s +first words, he had grossly insulted him and then +flown at him and struck him....</p> + +<p>“And I’ve come to ask, Sir,” said Bocage, “whether +you authorize me,” (he accented the word a little) +“whether you <em>authorize</em> me to dismiss him?”</p> + +<p>“I’ll think about it, Bocage. I’m extremely sorry +he should have been disrespectful. I’ll see ... Let +me reflect a little and come again in two hours’ time.”</p> + +<p>Bocage went out.</p> + +<p>To keep Bute was to be painfully lacking in consideration +for Bocage; to dismiss Bute was to ask for +trouble. Well! there was nothing to be done about it. +Let come what come might! I had only myself to +blame.... And as soon as Bocage came back:</p> + +<p>“You can tell Bute we have no further use for him +here,” I said.</p> + +<p>Then I waited. What would Bocage do? What +would Bute say? It was not till evening that I +heard rumours of scandal. Bute had spoken. I guessed +it at first from the shrieks I heard coming from Bocage’s +house; it was Alcide being beaten. Bocage +would soon be coming up to see me; here he was; I +heard his old footstep approaching and my heart +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_171">[171]</span>beat even faster than when I was poaching. It was +an intolerable moment. I should have to trot out a +lot of fine sentiments. I should be obliged to take him +seriously. What could I invent to explain things? +How badly I should act! I would have given anything +to throw up my part! Bocage came in. I understood +absolutely nothing of what he was saying. It +was absurd; I had to make him begin all over again. +In the end, this is what I made out. He thought that +Bute was the only guilty party; the inconceivable +truth had escaped him—that I could have given Bute +ten francs! What for? He was too much of a Normandy +peasant to admit the possibility of such a +thing. Bute must have stolen those ten francs. Not a +doubt of it! When he said I had given them to him, +he was merely adding a lie to a theft; it was a mere +invention to explain away his theft; Bocage wasn’t +the man to believe a trumped up story like that.... +There was no more talk of poaching. If Bocage had +beaten Alcide, it was only because the boy had spent +the night out.</p> + +<p>So then, I am saved! In Bocage’s eyes, at any rate, +everything is all right. What a fool that fellow Bute +is! This evening, I must say, I don’t feel much inclined +to go out poaching.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_172">[172]</span></p> + +<p>I thought that everything was all over, when an +hour later in came Charles. He looked far from amiable; +the bare sight of him was enough; he struck me +as even more tedious than his father. To think that +last year!...</p> + +<p>“Well, Charles! I haven’t seen you for ever so +long!”</p> + +<p>“If you had wanted to see me, Sir, you had only to +come down to the farm. You won’t find <em>me</em> gallivanting +about the woods at nights.”</p> + +<p>“Oh, your father has told you ...”</p> + +<p>“My father has told me nothing, because my father +knows nothing. What’s the use of telling him at his +age that his master is making a fool of him?”</p> + +<p>“Take care, Charles, you’re going too far....”</p> + +<p>“Oh, all right! You’re the master—you can do as +you please.”</p> + +<p>“Charles, you know perfectly well I’ve made a fool +of no-one, and if I do as I please, it’s because it does +no-one any harm but myself.”</p> + +<p>He shrugged his shoulders slightly.</p> + +<p>“How can one defend your interests when you attack +them yourself? You can’t protect both the +keeper and the poacher at the same time.”</p> + +<p>“Why not?”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_173">[173]</span></p> + +<p>“Because ... Oh, you’re a bit too clever for me, +Sir. I just don’t like to see my master joining up +with rogues and undoing the work that other people +do for him.”</p> + +<p>Charles spoke with more and more confidence as +he went on. He held himself almost with dignity. I +noticed he had cut off his whiskers. For that matter, +what he said was sensible enough, and as I kept silence +(what could I have said?), he went on:</p> + +<p>“You taught me last year, Sir, that one has duties +to one’s possessions. One ought to take one’s duties +seriously and not play with them ... or else one +doesn’t deserve to have possessions.”</p> + +<p>Silence.</p> + +<p>“Is that all you have to say?”</p> + +<p>“For this evening, yes, Sir; but if you ask me some +other time, Sir, I may perhaps tell you that my +father and I are leaving La Morinière.”</p> + +<p>And he went out, bowing very low. I hardly took +time to reflect:</p> + +<p>“Charles!... He’s right, by Jove!... Oh, if +that’s what’s meant by possessions ... Charles!...” +And I ran after him, caught him up in the dark and +called out hastily, as if in a hurry to clinch my sudden +determination:</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_174">[174]</span></p> + +<p>“You can tell your father that I am putting La +Morinière up for sale.”</p> + +<p>Charles bowed again gravely and went away without +a word.</p> + +<p>The whole thing is absurd! Absurd!</p> + +<hr class="tb" aria-roledescription="thought break"> + +<p>That evening, Marceline was not able to come +down to dinner and sent word to say she was unwell. +Full of anxiety, I hurried up to her room. She reassured +me quickly. “It’s nothing but a cold,” she +said. She thought she had caught a chill.</p> + +<p>“Couldn’t you have put on something warmer?”</p> + +<p>“I put my shawl on the first moment I felt a +shiver.”</p> + +<p>“You should have put it on before you felt a +shiver, not after.”</p> + +<p>She looked at me and tried to smile.... Oh, perhaps +it was because the day had begun so badly that +I felt so anguished. If she had said aloud, “Do you +really care whether I live or not?” I should not have +heard the words more clearly.</p> + +<p>“Oh,” I thought, “without a doubt, everything in +my life is falling to pieces. Nothing that my hand +grasps, can my hand hold.”</p> + +<p>I sprang to Marceline and covered her pale face +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_175">[175]</span>with kisses. At that, she broke down and fell sobbing +on my shoulder....</p> + +<p>“Oh, Marceline! Marceline! Let us go away. Anywhere +else but here I shall love you as I did at Sorrento.... +You have thought me changed, perhaps? +But anywhere else, you will feel that there is nothing +altered in our love.”</p> + +<p>I had not cured her unhappiness, but how eagerly +she clutched at hope!...</p> + +<p>It was not late in the year, but the weather was +cold and damp, and the last rosebuds were rotting +unopened on the bushes. Our guests had long since +left us. Marceline was not too unwell to see to the +shutting up of the house, and five days later we left.</p> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" aria-roledescription="new part"> +<div class="chapter"> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_176"></a><a id="Page_177"></a>[177]</span></p> + + + <h2 class="nobreak" id="THIRD_PART"> + THIRD PART + </h2> +</div> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_178"></a><a id="Page_179"></a>[179]</span></p> +<div class="chapter"> + <h3 class="nobreak" id="i_2"> + i + </h3> +</div> + + +<p>And so I tried, yet once more, to close my hand +over my love. But what did I want with peaceful +happiness? What Marceline gave me, what she stood +for in my eyes, was like rest to a man who is not +tired. But as I felt she was weary and needed my +love, I showered it upon her and pretended that the +need was mine. I felt her sufferings unbearably; it +was to cure her that I loved her.</p> + +<p>O days and nights of passionate tender care! As +others stimulate their faith by exaggerating the observance +of its practices, so I fanned my love. And +Marceline, as I tell you, began forthwith to recover +hope. In her there was still so much youth; in me, +she thought, so much promise.</p> + +<p>We fled from Paris, as though for another honeymoon. +But on the very first day of the journey, she +got much worse and we had to break it at Neuchâtel.</p> + +<p>I loved this lake, which has nothing Alpine about +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_180">[180]</span>it, with its grey-green shores, and its waters mingling +for a long space, marsh-like, with the land, and filtering +through the rushes. I found a very comfortable +hotel, with a room looking on to the lake for Marceline. +I stayed with her the whole day.</p> + +<p>She was so far from well the next day, that I sent +for a doctor from Lausanne. He wanted to know, +quite uselessly, whether there were any other cases +of tuberculosis in my wife’s family. I said there were, +though, as a matter of fact, I knew of none; but I +disliked saying that I myself had been almost given +up on account of it, and that Marceline had never +been ill before she nursed me. I put the whole thing +down to the score of the clot, though the doctor declared +that this was merely a contributory cause and +that the trouble dated from further back. He strongly +recommended the air of the high Alps, which he +assured me would cure her; and as just what I myself +wished was to spend the whole winter in the Engadine, +we started as soon as she was able to bear the journey.</p> + +<p>I remember every sensation of that journey as +vividly as if they had been events. The weather was +limpid and cold; we had taken our warmest furs +with us.... At Coire, the incessant din in the hotel +almost entirely prevented us from sleeping. I myself +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_181">[181]</span>should have put up cheerfully with a sleepless night +and not found it tiring; but Marceline ... And it +was not so much the noise that irritated me as the +fact that she was not able to sleep in spite of it. Her +need of sleep was so great! The next morning we +started before daybreak; we had taken places in the +coupé of the Coire diligence; the relays were so arranged +that St. Moritz could be reached in one day.</p> + +<p>Tiefenkasten, the Julier, Samaden ... I remember +it all, hour by hour; I remember the strange, inclement +feeling of the air; the sound of the horses’ +bells; my hunger; the midday halt at the inn; the +raw egg that I broke into my soup; the brown bread +and the sour wine that was so cold. This coarse fare +did not suit Marceline; she could eat hardly anything +but a few dry biscuits, which I had had the +forethought to bring with me. I can recall the closing +in of the daylight; the swiftness with which the shade +climbs up the wooded mountain side; then another +halt. And now the air becomes keener, rawer. When +the coach stops, we plunge into the heart of darkness, +into a silence that is limpid—limpid—there is no +other word for it. The quality, the sonority of the +slightest sound acquire perfection and fullness in that +strange transparency. Another start—in the night, +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_182">[182]</span>this time. Marceline coughs ... Oh, will she never +have done coughing? I think of the Sousse diligence; I +feel as if I had coughed better than that. She makes +too great an effort.... How weak and changed she +looks! In the shadow there, I should hardly recognize +her. How drawn her features are! Used those +two black holes of her nostrils always to be so visible?... +Oh, how horribly she is coughing! Is that +the best she can do? I have a horror of sympathy. It +is the lurking place of every kind of contagion; one +ought only to sympathize with the strong. Oh! she +seems really at the last gasp. Shall we never arrive? +What is she doing now? She takes her handkerchief +out, puts it to her lips, turns aside ... Horror! Is +she going to spit blood too? I snatch the handkerchief +roughly from her hand, and in the half light of +the lantern look at it.... Nothing. But my anxiety +has been too visible. Marceline attempts a melancholy +smile and murmurs:</p> + +<p>“No; not yet.”</p> + +<p>At last we arrived. It was time, for she could hardly +stand. I did not like the rooms that had been prepared +for us; we spent the night in them, however, +and changed them next day. Nothing seemed fine +enough for me nor too expensive. And as the winter +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_183">[183]</span>season had not yet begun, the vast hotel was almost +empty and I was able to choose. I took two spacious +rooms, bright, and simply furnished; there was a +large sitting room adjoining, with a big bow-window, +from which could be seen the hideous blue lake +and a crude mountain, whose name I have forgotten +and whose slopes were either too wooded or too bare. +We had our meals served separately. The rooms were +extravagantly dear. But what do I care? thought I. +It is true I no longer have my lectures, but I am selling +La Morinière. And then we shall see.... Besides, +what need have I of money? What need have I +of all this?... I am strong now.... A complete +change of fortune, I think, must be as instructive as +a complete change of health.... Marceline, of +course, requires luxury; she is weak ... oh, for her +sake, I will spend so much, so much that ... And +I felt at one and the same time a horror of luxury, +and a craving for it. I bathed, I steeped my sensuality +in it, and then again it was a vagabond joy that +I longed for.</p> + +<p>In the meanwhile Marceline was getting better and +my constant care was having good results. As she had +a difficulty in eating, I ordered the most dainty and +delicious food to stimulate her appetite; we drank the +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_184">[184]</span>best wines. The foreign brands we experimented on +every day amused me so much that I persuaded myself +she had a great fancy for them; sharp Rhine +wines, almost syrupy Tokays, that filled me with +their heady virtue. I remember too an extraordinary +Barba-grisca, of which only one bottle was left, so +that I never knew whether the others would have had +the same bizarre taste.</p> + +<p>Every day we went for a drive, first in a carriage, +and later on, when the snow had fallen, in a sledge, +wrapped up to our eyes in fur. I came in with glowing +cheeks, hungry and then sleepy. I had not, however, +given up all idea of work, and every day I found +an hour or so in which to meditate on the things I +felt it was my duty to say. There was no question +of history now; I had long since ceased to take +any interest in historical studies except as a means +of psychological investigation. I have told you how +I had been attracted afresh to the past when I thought +I could see in it a disquieting resemblance to the present; +I had actually dared to think that by questioning +the dead I should be able to extort from them +some secret information about life.... But now +the youthful Athalaric himself might have risen +from the grave to speak to me, I should not have +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_185">[185]</span>listened to him. How could the ancient past have answered +my present question?—What can man do +more? that is what seemed to me important to know. +Is what man has hitherto said all that he <em>could</em> say? +Is there nothing in himself he has overlooked? Can +he do nothing but repeat himself?... And every +day there grew stronger in me a confused consciousness +of untouched treasures somewhere lying covered +up, hidden, smothered, by culture and decency +and morality.</p> + +<p>It seemed to me then that I had been born to make +discoveries of a kind hitherto undreamed of; and I +grew strangely and passionately eager in the pursuit +of my dark and mysterious researches, for the +sake of which, I well knew, the searcher must abjure +and repudiate culture and decency and morality.</p> + +<p>I soon went to the length of sympathizing only with +the wildest outbreaks of conduct in other people, and +of regretting that such manifestations were subject +to any control whatever. I came very near thinking +that honesty was merely the result of restrictions or +conventions or fear. I should have liked to cherish +it as something rare and difficult; but our manners +had turned it into a form of mutual advantage and +commonplace contract. In Switzerland, it is just a +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_186">[186]</span>part of one’s comfort. I understood that Marceline +required it; but I did not conceal from her the +new trend of my thoughts; as early as Neuchâtel, +when she was praising the honesty that is so visible +in the faces of the people and the walls of the houses.</p> + +<p>“I prefer my own,” I retorted. “I have a horror +of honest folk. I may have nothing to fear from them, +but I have nothing to learn either. And besides, they +have nothing to say.... Honest Swiss nation! +What does their health do for them? They have +neither crimes, nor history, nor literature, nor arts +... a hardy rose-tree, without thorns or flowers.”</p> + +<p>That I should be bored by this honest country +was a foregone conclusion, but at the end of two +months, my boredom became a kind of frenzy and +my one thought was to fly.</p> + +<p>We were in the middle of January. Marceline was +better—much better; the continual low fever that +was undermining her had disappeared; a brighter +colour had returned to her cheeks; she once more enjoyed +walking, though not for long, and was not +continually tired as she used to be. I did not have +much difficulty in persuading her that the bracing +air had done her all the good that could be expected +and that the best thing for her now would be to go +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_187">[187]</span>down into Italy, where the kindly warmth of spring +would completely restore her ... and above all, I +had not much difficulty in persuading myself—so utterly +sick was I of those mountain heights.</p> + +<p>And yet now, when in my idleness the detested +past once more asserts its strength, those are the +very memories that haunt me. Swift sledge drives; +joy of the dry and stinging air, spattering of the snow, +appetite; walks in the baffling fog, curious sonority +of voices, abrupt appearance of objects; readings in +the snug warmth of the sitting-room, view of the +landscape through the windows, view of the icy landscape; +tragic waiting for the snow; vanishing of the +outer world, soft brooding of one’s thoughts.... +Oh, to skate with her alone once more on the little +lake, lying lost among the larches, pure and peaceful—oh, +to come home with her once more at night!...</p> + +<p>That descent into Italy gave me all the dizzy sensations +of a fall. The weather was fine. As we dropped +into a warmer and denser air, the rigid trees of the +highlands—the larches and symmetrical fir-trees—gave +way to the softness, the grace and ease of a luxuriant +vegetation. I felt I was leaving abstraction +for life, and though it was winter, I imagined perfumes +in every breath. Oh, for long—too long, our +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_188">[188]</span>only smiles had been for shadows! My abstemiousness +had gone to my head and I was drunk with +thirst as others are with wine. My thrift of life had +been admirable; on the threshold of this land of +tolerance and promise, all my appetites broke out +with sudden vehemence. I was full to bursting with +an immense reserve of love; sometimes it surged +from the obscure depths of my senses up into my +head and turned my thoughts to shamelessness.</p> + +<p>This illusion of spring did not last long. The sudden +change of altitude may have deceived me for a +moment, but as soon as we left the sheltered shores +of the lakes, Bellagio and Como, where we lingered +for a day or two, we came into winter and rain. We +now suffered from the cold which we had borne well +enough in the Engadine; it was not dry and exhilarating +here as it had been in the mountains, but damp +and heavy, and Marceline began to cough again. In +order to escape it, we pursued our way still further +south; we left Milan for Florence, Florence for +Rome, Rome for Naples, which in the winter rain is +really the most lugubrious town I know. I dragged +along in unspeakable ennui. We went back to Rome +in the hopes of finding, if not warmth, at least a semblance +of comfort. We rented an apartment on the +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_189">[189]</span>Pincio, much too vast, but marvellously situated. Already, +at Florence, disgusted with hotels, we had +rented a lovely villa on the Viale dei Colli, for three +months. Anybody else would have wished to spend a +lifetime in it.... We stayed barely three weeks. +And yet at every fresh stage, I made a point of arranging +everything as if we were never going to +leave.... Some irresistible demon goaded me on.... +And add to this that we travelled with no fewer +than eight trunks. There was one I never opened +during the whole journey, entirely filled with books.</p> + +<p>I did not allow Marceline to have any say in our +expenses nor attempt to moderate them. I knew of +course that they were excessive and that they could +not last. I could no longer count on any money from +La Morinière. It had ceased to bring in anything +and Bocage wrote that he could not find a purchaser. +But all thoughts of the future only ended in making +me spend the more. What need should I have of so +much money, once I was alone, thought I; and sick at +heart, I watched Marceline’s frail life as it ebbed +away more quickly still than my fortune.</p> + +<p>Although she depended on me for all the arrangements, +these perpetual and hurried moves tired her; +but what tired her still more (I do not hesitate now +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_190">[190]</span>to acknowledge it) was the fear of what was in my +mind.</p> + +<p>“I understand,” she said to me one day, “I quite +understand your doctrine—for now it has become a +doctrine. A fine one perhaps,” and then she added +sadly, dropping her voice, “but it does away with the +weak.”</p> + +<p>“And so it should!” was the answer that burst +from me in spite of myself.</p> + +<p>In my heart then, I felt the sensitive creature shiver +and shrivel up at the shock of my dreadful words.... +Oh, perhaps you will think I did not love Marceline. +I swear I loved her passionately. She had never +been—I had never thought her—so beautiful. Illness +had refined—etherealized her features. I hardly ever +left her, surrounded her with every care, watched +over her every moment of the night and day. If she +slept lightly, I trained myself to sleep more lightly +still; I watched her as she fell asleep and I was the +first to wake. When sometimes I left her for an hour +to take a solitary walk in the country or streets, a +kind of loving anxiety, a fear of her feeling the time +long, made me hurry back to her; and sometimes I +rebelled against this obsession, called upon my will to +help me against it, said to myself, “Are you worth +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_191">[191]</span>no more than this, you make-believe great man?” +And I forced myself to prolong my absence; but then +I would come in, my arms laden with flowers, early +garden flowers, or hothouse blooms.... Yes, I say; +I cared for her tenderly. But how can I express this—that +in proportion as I respected myself less, I revered +her more? And who shall say how many passions and +how many hostile thoughts may live together in the +mind of man?...</p> + +<p>The bad weather had long since ceased; the season +was advancing; and suddenly the almond trees were +in bloom. The day was the first of March. I went down +in the morning to the Piazza di Spagna. The peasants +had stripped the campagna of its white branches, and +the flower-sellers’ baskets were full of almond blossom. +I was so enchanted that I bought a whole grove of +it. Three men carried it for me. I went home with all +this flowering spring. The branches caught in the doorways +and petals snowed upon the carpet. I put the +blossoms everywhere, filled all the vases, and, while +Marceline was absent from the drawing-room for a +moment, made it a bower of whiteness. I was already +picturing her delight, when I heard her step...! +She opened the door. Oh, what was wrong with +her?... She tottered.... She burst out sobbing.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_192">[192]</span></p> + +<p>“What is it, my poor Marceline?”...</p> + +<p>I ran up to her, showered the tenderest caresses +upon her. Then as if to excuse her tears:</p> + +<p>“The flowers smell too strong,” she said....</p> + +<p>And it was a faint, faint, exquisite scent of honey.... +Without a word, I seized the innocent fragile +branches, broke them to pieces, carried them out of +the room and flung them away, my temples throbbing +with exasperation, my nerves ajar. Oh, if she finds +this little bit of spring too much for her!...</p> + +<p>I have often thought over those tears of hers and +I believe now that she already felt herself condemned +and was crying for the loss of other springs.... I +think too that there are strong joys for the strong and +weak joys for the weak who would be hurt by strong +joys. She was sated by the merest trifle of pleasure; +one shade brighter and it was more than she could +bear. What she called happiness, I called rest, and I +was unwilling, unable to rest.</p> + +<p>Four days later we left again for Sorrento. I +was disappointed not to find it warmer. The whole +country seemed shivering with cold. The wind, which +never ceased blowing, was a severe trial to Marceline. +Our plan was to go to the same hotel we had been to +at the time of our first journey, and we were given the +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_193">[193]</span>same room.... But how astonished we were to see +that the grey sky had robbed the whole scene of its +magic, and that the place we had thought so charming +when we had walked in it as lovers was nothing +but a dreary hotel garden!</p> + +<p>We settled then to go by sea to Palermo, whose climate +we had heard praised; we returned therefore to +Naples, where we were to take the boat and where we +stayed on for a few days longer. But at any rate, I +was not dull at Naples. Naples is alive—a town that +is not overshadowed by the past.</p> + +<p>I spent nearly every moment of the day with Marceline. +At night she was tired and went to bed early; +I watched by her until she went to sleep and sometimes +went to bed myself; then, when her more regular +breathing told me she was asleep, I got up again +noiselessly, dressed in the dark, slipped out of doors +like a thief.</p> + +<p>Out of doors! Oh, I could have shouted with joy! +What was I bent on? I cannot tell. The sky that had +been dark all day, was cleared of its clouds; the moon +was nearly full. I walked at random, without object, +without desire, without constraint. I looked at everything +with a fresh eye; I listened to every noise with an +attentive ear; I breathed the dampness of the night; +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_194">[194]</span>I touched things with my hand; I went prowling.</p> + +<p>The last night we spent at Naples I stayed out +later than usual on this vagabond debauch. When I +came in, I found Marceline in tears. She had woken +up suddenly, she said, and been frightened at not feeling +me there. I calmed her, explained my absence as +well as I could, and resolved not to leave her again. +But the first night we spent at Palermo was too much +for me—I went out. The orange trees were in flower; +the slightest breath of air came laden with their +scent....</p> + +<p>We only stayed five days at Palermo; then, by a +long detour, we made our way to Taormina, which we +both wanted to see again. I think I have told you +that the village is perched high on the mountain +side; the station is on the sea-shore. The carriage that +drove us to the hotel took me back again to the station +for me to get our trunks. I stood up in the carriage +in order to talk to the driver. He was a Sicilian +boy from Catania, as beautiful as a line of Theocritus, +full of colour and odour and savour, like a fruit.</p> + +<p>“<span lang="it">Com’è bella, la Signora!</span>” said he, in a charming +voice, as he watched Marceline go into the hotel.</p> + +<p>“<span lang="it">Anche tu sei bello, ragazzo</span>,” I replied; then, as I +was standing so near him, I could not resist, but drew +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_195">[195]</span>him to me and kissed him. He allowed it laughingly.</p> + +<p>“<span lang="it">I Francesi sono tutti amanti</span>,” he said.</p> + +<p>“<span lang="it">Ma non tutti gli Italiani amati</span>,” I answered, +laughing too.... I looked for him on the following +days, but never succeeded in finding him.</p> + +<p>We left Taormina for Syracuse. Step by step we +went over the ground we had covered in our first +journey, making our way back to the starting point +of our love. And as during our first journey I had +week by week progressed towards recovery, so week +by week as we went southwards, Marceline’s health +grew worse.</p> + +<p>By what aberration, what obstinate blindness, +what deliberate folly did I persuade myself, did I +above all try and persuade her that what she wanted +was still more light and warmth? Why did I remind +her of my convalescence at Biskra?... And yet the +air had become warmer; the climate of Palermo is +mild and pleasant; Marceline liked it. There, perhaps, +she might have ... But had I the power to +choose what I should determine—to decide what I +should desire? The state of the sea and the irregular +boat-service delayed us a week at Syracuse. All the +time I did not spend with Marceline I spent in the old +port. O little port of Syracuse! smells of sour wine, +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_196">[196]</span>muddy alleys, stinking booths, where dockers and +vagabonds and wine-bibbing sailors loaf and jostle! +The society of the lowest dregs of humanity was delectable +company to me. And what need had I to understand +their language, when I felt it in my whole +body? Even the brutality of their passion assumed in +my eyes a hypocritical appearance of health and vigour. +In vain I told myself that their wretched life +could not have the same flavour for them that it had +for me.... Oh, I wished I could have rolled under +the table with them to wake up only with the first +grey shiver of dawn. And their company whetted my +growing horror of luxury, of comfort, of all the things +I was wrapped round with, of the protection that my +newly restored health had made unnecessary, of all +the precautions one takes to preserve one’s body from +the perilous contact of life. I imagined their existence +in other surroundings. I should have liked to follow +them elsewhere, to probe deeper into their drunken +life.... Then suddenly I thought of Marceline. +What was she doing at this very moment? Suffering, +crying, perhaps.... I got up hastily and hurried +back to the hotel; there, over the door, seemed written +the words: No poor admitted here.</p> + +<p>Marceline always received me in the same way, +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_197">[197]</span>without a word of reproach or suspicion, and struggling, +in spite of everything, to smile. We took our +meals in private; I ordered for her the best our very +second-rate hotel could provide. And all through the +meal, I kept thinking, “A piece of bread, a bit of +cheese, a head of fennel is enough for <em>them</em> and would +be enough for <em>me</em> too. And perhaps out there, close +by, some of them are hungry and have not even that +wretched pittance. And here on my table is enough to +fill them for three days.” I should have liked to break +down the walls and let the guests flock in.... For +to feel there were people suffering from hunger was +dreadful. And I went back again to the port and +scattered about at random the small coin with which +my pockets were filled.</p> + +<p>Poverty is a slave-driver; in return for food, men +give their grudging labour; all work that is not joyous +is wretched, I thought, and I paid many of them +to rest. “Don’t work,” I said, “you hate it.” In imagination, +I bestowed on each of them that leisure +without which nothing can blossom—neither vice nor +art.</p> + +<p>Marceline did not mistake my thoughts; when I +came back from the port, I did not conceal from her +what sort of wretches I had been frequenting. Every +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_198">[198]</span>kind of thing goes to the making of man. Marceline +knew well enough what I was trying so furiously to +discover; and as I reproached her for being too apt +to credit everyone she knew with special virtues of +her own invention, “You,” said she, “are never satisfied +until you have made people exhibit some vice. +Don’t you understand that by looking at any particular +trait, we develop and exaggerate it? And that we +make a man become what we think him?”</p> + +<p>I could have wished she were wrong, but I had to +admit that the worst instinct of every human being +appeared to me the sincerest. But then what did I +mean by sincere?</p> + +<p>We left Syracuse at last. I was haunted by the desire +and the memory of the past. At sea, Marceline’s +health improved.... I can still see the colour of +the sea. It is so calm that the ship’s track in it seems +permanent. I can still hear the noises of dripping and +dropping water—liquid noises; the swabbing of the +deck and the slapping of the sailors’ bare feet on the +boards. I can see Malta shining white in the sun—the +approach to Tunis.... How changed I am!</p> + +<p>It was hot; it was fine; everything was glorious. +Oh, how I wish that every one of my sentences here +could distill a quintessence of voluptuous delight!... +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_199">[199]</span>I cannot hope to tell my story now with more +order than I lived my life. I have been long enough +trying to explain how I became what I am. Oh, if +only I could rid my mind of all this intolerable logic!... +I feel I have nothing in me that is not noble.</p> + +<p>Tunis! The quality of the light here is not strength +but abundance. The shade is still full of it. The air +itself is like a luminous fluid in which everything is +steeped; one bathes, one swims in it. This land of +pleasure satisfies desire without appeasing it and desire +is sharpened by satisfaction.</p> + +<p>A land free from works of art; I despise those who +cannot recognize beauty until it has been transcribed +and interpreted. The Arabs have this admirable quality, +that they live their art, sing it, dissipate it from +day to day; it is not fixed, not embalmed in any work. +This is the cause and effect of the absence of great +artists.... I have always thought that great artists +were those who dared to confer the right of beauty +on things so natural that people say on seeing them, +“Why did I never realize before that that was beautiful +too?”</p> + +<p>At Kairouan, which I had not seen before, and +which I visited without Marceline, the night was +very fine. As I was going back to sleep at the hotel, +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_200">[200]</span>I remember a group of Arabs I had seen lying out +of doors on mats, outside a little café. I went and lay +down to sleep beside them. I came away covered with +vermin.</p> + +<p>Marceline found the damp of the coast very relaxing {“enfeebling” in 1948 ed.} +and I persuaded her that we ought to go on +to Biskra as quickly as possible. We were now at +the beginning of April.</p> + +<p>The journey to Biskra is a very long one. The first +day we went to Constantine without a break; the +second day, Marceline was very tired and we only +got as far as El Kantara. I remember seeking there, +and towards evening finding, shade that was more +delicious and cooler than moonshine at night. It +flowed about us like a stream of inexhaustible refreshment. +And from the bank where we were sitting, +we could see the plain aflame in the setting sun. +That night Marceline could not sleep, disturbed as +she was by the strange silence or the tiniest of noises. +I was afraid she was feverish. I heard her tossing in +the night. Next morning I thought she looked paler. +We went on again.</p> + +<p>Biskra! That then was my goal.... Yes; there +are the public gardens; the bench ... I recognize +the bench on which I used to sit in the first days of +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_201">[201]</span>my convalescence. What was it I read there?... +Homer; I have not opened the book since. There is +the tree with the curious bark I got up to go and +feel. How weak I was then! Look! there come some +children!... No; I recognize none of them. How +grave Marceline is! She is as changed as I. Why does +she cough so in this fine weather? There is the hotel! +There are our rooms, our terrace! What is Marceline +thinking? She has not said a word. As soon as she +gets to her room she lies down on the bed; she is +tired and says she wants to sleep a little. I go out.</p> + +<p>I do not recognize the children, but the children +recognize me. They have heard of my arrival and +come running to meet me. Can it really be they? +What a shock! What has happened? They have +grown out of all knowledge—hideously. In barely +two years! It seems impossible.... What fatigues, +what vices, what sloth have put their ugly mark on +faces that were once so bright with youth? What vile +labours can so soon have stunted those beautiful +young limbs? What a bankruptcy of hope!... I +ask a few questions. Bachir is scullion in a café; +Ashour is laboriously earning a few pennies by +breaking stones on the roads; Hammatar has lost an +eye. And who would believe it? Sadek has settled +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_202">[202]</span>down! He helps an elder brother sell loaves in the +market; he looks idiotic. Agib has set up as a butcher +with his father; he is getting fat; he is ugly; he is +rich; he refuses to speak to his low-class companions.... +How stupid honorable careers make people! +What! Am I going to find here the same things I +hated so at home? Boubakir? Married. He is not +fifteen yet. It is grotesque. Not altogether though. +When I see him that evening he explains that his +marriage is a mere farce. He is, I expect, an utter +waster; he has taken to drink and lost his looks.... +So that is all that remains, is it? That is what life +has made of them? My intolerable depression makes +me feel it was largely to see them that I came here. +Ménalque was right. Memory is an accursed invention.</p> + +<p>And Moktir? Ah! Moktir has just come out of +prison. He is lying low. The others will have nothing +to do with him. I want to see him. He used to be the +handsomest of them all. Is he to be a disappointment +too?... Someone finds him out and brings +him to me. No; Moktir has not failed. Even my memory +had not painted him as superb as he now is. His +strength, his beauty are flawless.... He smiles as +he recognizes me.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_203">[203]</span></p> + +<p>“And what did you do before you went to prison?”</p> + +<p>“Nothing.”</p> + +<p>“Did you steal?”</p> + +<p>He protests.</p> + +<p>“And what are you doing now?”</p> + +<p>He smiles.</p> + +<p>“Well, Moktir, if you have nothing to do, you +must come with us to Touggourt.” And I suddenly +feel seized with a desire to go to Touggourt.</p> + +<p>Marceline is not well; I do not know what is going +on in her mind. When I go back to the hotel that +evening, she presses up against me without saying a +word and without opening her eyes. Her wide sleeve +has slipped up and shows how thin she has grown. +I take her in my arms, as if she were a sleepy child, +and rock and soothe her. Is it love, or anguish or +fever that makes her tremble so?... Oh! perhaps +there might still be time.... Will nothing make me +stop?... I know now—I have found out at last +what gives me my special value. It is a kind of stubborn +perseverance in evil. But how do I bring myself +to tell Marceline that next day we are to leave +again for Touggourt?...</p> + +<p>She is asleep now in the room next mine. The moon +has been up some time and is flooding the terrace. +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_204">[204]</span>The brightness is almost terrifying. There is no hiding +from it. The floor of my room is tiled with white, +and there the light is brightest. It streams through the +wide-open window. I recognize the way it shines into +the room and the shadow made by the door. Two +years ago, it came in still further.... Yes; it is +almost at the same spot it had reached that night I +got up because I could not sleep.... It was against +that very door-jamb I leant my shoulder. I recognize +the stillness of the palm-trees. What was the sentence +I read that night?... Oh, yes; Christ’s words to +Peter: “Now thou girdest thyself and goest where +thou wouldest....” Where am I going? Where +would I go?... I did not tell you that the last time +I was at Naples, I went to Pæstum one day by myself. +Oh, I could have wept at the sight of those ruined +stones. The ancient beauty shone out from them, +simple, perfect, smiling—deserted. Art is leaving me, +I feel it. To make room for what else? The smiling +harmony once mine is mine no longer.... No +longer do I know what dark mysterious God I serve. +O great new God! grant me the knowledge of other +newer races, unimagined types of beauty.</p> + +<p>The next morning at daybreak, we left in the diligence +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_205">[205]</span>and Moktir came with us. Moktir was as happy +as a king.</p> + +<p>Chegga; Kefeldorh’; M’reyer ... dreary stages +of a still more dreary road—an interminable road. I +confess I had expected these oases to be more smiling. +But there is nothing here but stone and sand; at +times a few shrubs with queer flowers; at times an +attempt at palm-trees, watered by some hidden +spring.... Now, to any oasis, I prefer the desert—land +of mortal glory and intolerable splendour! +Man’s effort here seems ugly and miserable. +All other lands now are weariness to me.</p> + +<p>“You like what is inhuman,” says Marceline.</p> + +<p>But she herself, how greedily she looks!</p> + +<p>Next day it was not so fine; that is, a wind sprang +up and the horizon became dull and grey.</p> + +<p>Marceline is suffering; the sand in the air bums +and irritates her throat; the overabundance of light +tires her eyes; the hostile landscape crushes her. But +it is too late now to turn back. In a few hours we shall +be at Touggourt.</p> + +<p>It is this last part of the journey, though it is still +so near me, that I remember least. I find it impossible +to recall the scenery of the second day, nor what I +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_206">[206]</span>did when we first got to Touggourt. But what I do +still remember are my impatience and my haste.</p> + +<p>It had been very cold that morning. Towards evening +a burning simoon sprang up. Marceline, exhausted +by the journey, went to bed as soon as we arrived. +I had hoped to find a rather more comfortable +hotel, but our room is hideous; the sand, the sun, the +flies have tarnished, dirtied, discoloured everything. +As we have eaten scarcely anything since daybreak, I +order a meal to be served at once; but Marceline finds +everything uneatable and I cannot persuade her to +touch a morsel. We have with us arrangements for +making our own tea. I attend to this trifling business, +and for dinner we content ourselves with a few biscuits +and the tea, made with the brackish water of +the country and tasting horrible in consequence.</p> + +<p>By a last semblance of virtue, I stay with her till +evening. And all of a sudden I feel that I myself +have come to the end of my strength. O taste of +ashes! O deadly lassitude! O the sadness of superhuman +effort! I hardly dare look at her; I am too +certain that my eyes, instead of seeking hers, will +fasten horribly on the black holes of her nostrils; the +suffering expression of her face is agonizing. Nor +does she look at me either. I feel her anguish as if I +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_207">[207]</span>could touch it. She coughs a great deal and then falls +asleep. From time to time, she is shaken by a sudden +shudder.</p> + +<p>Perhaps the night will be bad, and before it is too +late I must find out where I can get help. I go out.</p> + +<p>Outside the hotel, the Touggourt square, the +streets, the very atmosphere, are so strange that I +can hardly believe it is I who see them. After a little +I go in again. Marceline is sleeping quietly. I need +not have been so frightened; in this peculiar country, +one suspects peril everywhere. Absurd! And more or +less reassured, I again go out.</p> + +<p>There is a strange nocturnal animation in the +square—a silent flitting to and fro—a stealthy gliding +of white burnouses. The wind at times tears off +a shred of strange music and brings it from I know +not where. Someone comes up to me.... Moktir! +He was waiting for me, he says—expected me to come +out again. He laughs. He knows Touggourt, comes +here often, knows where to take me. I let myself be +guided by him.</p> + +<p>We walk along in the dark and go into a Moorish +café; this is where the music came from. Some Arab +women are dancing—if such a monotonous glide can +be called dancing. One of them takes me by the hand; +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_208">[208]</span>I follow her; she is Moktir’s mistress; he comes too.... +We all three go into the deep, narrow room +where the only piece of furniture is a bed.... A +very low bed on which we sit down. A white rabbit +which has been shut up in the room is scared at first +but afterwards grows tamer and comes to feed out of +Moktir’s hand. Coffee is brought. Then, while Moktir +is playing with the rabbit, the woman draws me +towards her, and I let myself go to her as one lets +oneself sink into sleep....</p> + +<p>Oh, here I might deceive you or be silent—but +what use can this story be to me, if it ceases to be +truthful?</p> + +<p>I go back alone to the hotel, for Moktir remains +behind in the café. It is late. A parching sirocco is +blowing; the wind is laden with sand, and, in spite of +the night, torrid. After three or four steps, I am +bathed in sweat; but I suddenly feel I must hurry +and I reach the hotel almost at a run. She is awake +perhaps.... Perhaps she wants me?... No; the +window of her room is dark. I wait for a short lull +in the wind before opening the door; I go into the +room very softly in the dark. What is that noise?... +I do not recognize her cough.... Is it really +Marceline?... I light the light.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_209">[209]</span></p> + +<p>She is half sitting on the bed, one of her thin arms +clutching the bars and supporting her in an upright +position; her sheets, her hands, her nightdress are +flooded with a stream of blood; her face is soiled with +it; her eyes have grown hideously big; and no cry +of agony could be more appalling than her silence. +Her face is bathed in sweat; I try to find a little place +on it where I can put a horrible kiss; I feel the taste +of her sweat on my lips. I wash and refresh her forehead +and cheeks.... What is that hard thing I +feel under my foot near the bed? I stoop down and +pick up the little rosary that she once asked for in +Paris and which she has dropped on the ground. I +slip it over her open hand, but immediately she +lowers her hand and drops the rosary again.... +What am I to do? I wish I could get help.... Her +hand clutches me desperately, holds me tight; oh, +can she think I want to leave her? She says:</p> + +<p>“Oh, you can wait a little longer, can’t you?” Then, +as she sees I want to say something,</p> + +<p>“Don’t speak,” she adds; “everything is all right.”</p> + +<p>I pick up the rosary again and put it back on her +hand, but again she lets it drop—yes, deliberately—lets +it drop. I kneel down beside her, take her hand +and press it to me.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_210">[210]</span></p> + +<p>She lets herself go, partly against the pillow, partly +against my shoulder, seems to sleep a little, but her +eyes are still wide open.</p> + +<p>An hour later, she raises herself, disengages her +hand from mine, clutches at her nightdress and tears +the lace. She is choking.</p> + +<p>Towards morning she has another hemorrhage....</p> + +<hr class="tb" aria-roledescription="thought break"> + +<p>I have finished telling you my story. What more +should I say?</p> + +<p>The French cemetery at Touggourt is a hideous +place, half devoured by the sand.... What little +energy I had left I spent in carrying her away from +that miserable spot. She rests at El Kantara, in the +shade of a private garden she liked. It all happened +barely three months ago. Those three months have +put a distance of ten years between that time and this.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_211">[211]</span></p> + +<hr class="tb" aria-roledescription="final section without heading"> + +<p class="p6">Michel remained silent for a long time. We did +not speak either, for we each of us had a strange feeling +of uneasiness. We felt, alas, that by telling his +story, Michel had made his action more legitimate. +Our not having known at what point to condemn it +in the course of his long explanation seemed almost +to make us his accomplices. We felt, as it were, involved. +He finished his story without a quaver in his +voice, without an inflexion or a gesture to show that +he was feeling any emotion whatever; he might have +had a cynical pride in not appearing moved, or a +kind of shyness that made him afraid of arousing +emotion in us by his tears, or he might not in fact +have been moved. Even now I cannot guess in what +proportions pride, strength, reserve or want of feeling +were combined in him. After a pause he went on:</p> + +<p>“What frightens me, I admit, is that I am still very +young. It seems to me sometimes that my real life +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_212">[212]</span>has not begun. Take me away from here and give me +some reason for living. I have none left. I have freed +myself. That may be. But what does it signify? This +objectless liberty is a burden to me. It is not, believe +me, that I am tired of my crime—if you choose to +call it that—but I must prove to myself that I have +not overstepped my rights.</p> + +<p>“When you knew me first, I had great stability of +thought, and I know that that is what makes real +men. I have it no longer. But I think it is the fault +of this climate. Nothing is more discouraging to +thought than this persistent azure. Enjoyment here +follows so closely upon desire that effort is impossible. +Here, in the midst of splendour and death, I +feel the presence of happiness too close, the yielding +to it too uniform. In the middle of the day, I go and +lie down on my bed to while away the long dreary +hours and their intolerable leisure.</p> + +<p>“Look! I have here a number of white pebbles. I +let them soak in the shade, then hold them in the +hollow of my hand and wait until their soothing coolness +is exhausted. Then I begin once more, changing +the pebbles and putting back those that have lost their +coolness to soak in the shade again.... Time passes +and the evening comes on.... Take me away; I +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_213">[213]</span>cannot move of myself. Something in my will is +broken; I don’t even know how I had the strength +to leave El Kantara. Sometimes I am afraid that what +I have suppressed will take vengeance on me. I +should like to begin over again. I should like to get +rid of the remains of my fortune; you see the walls +here are still covered with it.... I live for next +to nothing in this place. A half-caste innkeeper prepares +what little food I need. The boy who ran away +at your approach brings it to me in the evening and +morning, in exchange for a few sous and a caress or +two. He turns shy with strangers, but with me he is +as affectionate and faithful as a dog. His sister is an +Ouled-Naïl and in the winter goes back to Constantine +to sell her body to the passers-by. She is very +beautiful and in the first weeks I sometimes allowed +her to pass the night with me. But one morning, her +brother, little Ali, surprised us together. He showed +great annoyance and refused to come back for five +days. And yet he knows perfectly well how and on +what his sister lives; he used to speak of it before +without the slightest embarrassment.... Can he +be jealous? Be that as it may, the little rascal has +succeeded in his object; for, partly from distaste, +partly because I was afraid of losing Ali, I have given +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_214">[214]</span>the woman up since this incident. She has not taken +offence; but every time I meet her, she laughs and +declares that I prefer the boy to her. She makes out +that it is he who keeps me here. Perhaps she is not +altogether wrong....”</p> +</main> + +<section aria-label="end matter"> +<blockquote class="constrain"> +<p class="p6"><i>No writer living today has +caused such storms of discussion +as André Gide, and few have +reached such eminence. In the +course of an active career which +reached back into the last century +he has always managed to be a +step ahead of the succeeding sets +of moderns, and perhaps the most +remarkable thing about his books +is that not one of them dates. +There are few surer tests of genius. +His first great success in +America came in 1927 with the +publication of The Counterfeiters, +and since then there has been +an ever-growing interest here in +a writer whose distinguished and +versatile gifts were long ago recognised +throughout Europe.</i></p> +</blockquote> + +<p class="center p2"> +SET ON THE LINOTYPE IN ELZEVIR, ELECTROTYPED,<br> +PRINTED AND BOUND BY VAIL-BALLOU PRESS, INC.,<br> +BINGHAMTON, N. Y. PAPER MADE BY<br> +S. D. WARREN CO., BOSTON +</p> +</section> + +<section class="transnote"> +<h2>Transcriber’s note</h2> + +<p>The 1948 Knopf reprint of this translation makes numerous small +changes, including simple copy-edits for idiom, and a reduction in +the use of commas. On <a href="#Page_200">page 200</a>, one wording change with semantic significance +is noted inline in {curly braces}. This transcription otherwise follows +the 1930 printing for technical and procedural reasons. The use of both single +and double quotation marks is retained.</p> + +<p>The final section of the book, beginning on <a href="#Page_211">page 211</a>, +starts on a new page but lacks any heading, a stylistic choice not +seen until that point. Thus, a thought break symbol has been placed there +<em>along with</em> extra white space.</p> + +</section> +<div style='text-align:center'>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 78975 ***</div> +</body> +</html> diff --git a/78975-h/images/cover.jpg b/78975-h/images/cover.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..1391763 --- /dev/null +++ b/78975-h/images/cover.jpg |
