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diff --git a/78709-h/78709-h.htm b/78709-h/78709-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..d1031fe --- /dev/null +++ b/78709-h/78709-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,9452 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html> +<html lang="en"> +<head> + <meta charset="UTF-8"> + <meta name="viewport" content="width=device-width, initial-scale=1"> + <meta name="format-detection" content="telephone=no,date=no,address=no,email=no,url=no"> + <title> + JACK BRAG. | Project Gutenberg + </title> + <link rel="icon" href="images/cover.jpg" type="image/x-cover"> + <style> + +body { + margin-left: 10%; + margin-right: 10%; +} + +h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 { + text-align: center; /* all headings centered */ + clear: both; +} + +p { + margin-top: .5em; + text-align: justify; + margin-bottom: .5em; + text-indent: 1em; +} + +.p2 { text-indent: 0; padding-right: 1.5em; } +.p4 { text-indent: 0; padding-right: 4em; } + +.no-indent { + text-indent: 0 !important; + margin-left: 0 !important; + padding-left: 0 !important; +} + +.bigger +{ + font-size: 2em; +} + +.big +{ + font-size: larger; +} + +.small +{ + font-size: small; +} + +.center +{ + text-align: center; +} + +.spaced +{ + line-height: 1.5; +} + +.space-above +{ + margin-top: 3em; +} + +hr { + width: 33%; + margin-top: 2em; + margin-bottom: 2em; + margin-left: 33.5%; + margin-right: 33.5%; + clear: both; +} + +hr.chap {width: 65%; margin-left: 17.5%; margin-right: 17.5%;} +@media print { hr.chap {display: none; visibility: hidden;} } + +div.chapter {page-break-before: always;} +h2.nobreak {page-break-before: avoid;} + +table { + margin-left: auto; + margin-right: auto; +} + +.pagenum { /* uncomment the next line for invisible page numbers */ + /* visibility: hidden; */ + position: absolute; + left: 92%; + font-size: small; + text-align: right; + font-style: normal; + font-weight: normal; + font-variant: normal; + text-indent: 0; +} /* page numbers */ + +blockquote { + font-size: 0.95em; + margin-top: 0; + margin-bottom: 0; + margin-left: 5%; + margin-right: 10%; +} + +.center {text-align: center; text-indent: 0;} + +.right {text-align: right;} + +.smcap {font-variant: small-caps;} + +.allsmcap {font-variant: small-caps; text-transform: lowercase;} + +figcaption {font-weight: bold;} +figcaption p {margin-top: 0; margin-bottom: .2em; text-align: inherit;} + +/* Images */ + +img { + max-width: 100%; + height: auto; +} + +/* Poetry */ +/* uncomment the next line for centered poetry */ +/* .poetry-container {display: flex; justify-content: center;} */ +.poetry-container {text-align: center;} +.poetry {text-align: left; margin-left: 5%; margin-right: 5%; font-size: 0.95em;} +.poetry .stanza {margin: 1em auto; font-size: 0.95em;} +.poetry .verse {text-indent: -3em; padding-left: 3em; font-size: 0.95em;} + +/* Transcriber's notes */ +.transnote {background-color: #E6E6FA; + color: black; + font-size: small; + padding:0.5em; + margin-bottom:5em; + font-family:sans-serif, serif; +} + + +/* Poetry indents */ +.poetry .indent0 {text-indent: -3.0em;} +.poetry .indent2 {text-indent: -2.0em;} + + </style> +</head> + +<body> +<div style='text-align:center'>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 78709 ***</div> + + + +<div class="chapter"> +<h1> +JACK BRAG. +</h1> + + +<p class="big center">VOL. II.</p> + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> +</div> +<div class="chapter"> +<p class="small center"> + LONDON:<br> + PRINTED BY SAMUEL BENTLEY,<br> + Dorset Street, Fleet Street. +</p> +</div> + +<div class="chapter"> +<p class="bigger center">JACK BRAG.</p> + +<p class="small space-above center">BY THE AUTHOR OF</p> + +<p class="small center">“SAYINGS AND DOINGS,”—“MAXWELL,” &c.</p> + +<p class="center space-above">IN THREE VOLUMES.</p> + +<p class="center">VOL. II.</p> + +<p class="big space-above center">LONDON:</p> + +<p class="big center">RICHARD BENTLEY,</p> + +<p class="small center">NEW BURLINGTON STREET.</p> + +<p class="center">1837.</p> +</div> + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> +<div class="chapter"> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_1">[Pg 1]</span></p> + + + <p class="bigger center"> + JACK BRAG. + </p> +</div> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> +<div class="chapter"> + <h2 class="nobreak" id="CHAPTER_I"> + CHAPTER I. + </h2> +</div> + + +<p>Having given the reader a brief and succinct +account of the prosperous progress of +Mr. Brown, and deposited him in safety with +his mother and sister, it now becomes necessary +to give a glance at our hero Jack, and the +measures he adopted under the peculiar and +embarrassing circumstance of being accepted +by two very charming women in the course of +one afternoon.</p> + +<p>For a few moments after the arrival of the +second note—that from Blanche—the little +man was greatly puzzled how to act. That +the answers to his declarations were jokes he +had not the slightest suspicion, and therefore +his difficulty arose from the necessity of at +once making up his mind. Unlike Gay’s hero, +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_2">[Pg 2]</span>he felt that he <em>must</em> say “a word” to both +his captives: in fact, he was forced on the instant +to decide, yea or nay—widow or maid. +This was really a puzzler even for Jack, who +scratched his hair half out of curl before he +had got near a conclusion. At length he determined +to postpone the <i lang="fr">éclaircissement</i> until the +evening, and in the mean time to throw himself +in the way of Sir Charles Lydiard, in +order, if he could, to extract from him his +opinion of the widow’s merits, and ascertain, if +possible, the extent of his anger and vengeance +if Jack should make <em>her</em> his choice.</p> + +<p>For this purpose Jack began what he called +his tour of the Clubs—but, in truth, that of +their doors—for Jack had not as yet achieved the +<em>right</em> of crossing the threshold of any one of them. +Nevertheless, he was not an unfrequent occupant +of their halls, into which, by asking after some +man whom he knew to be out of town, or who did +not belong to that particular society, he made +his way; and having performed that evolution +once or twice, without, or, as he considered, +with, perfect success, he at length encountered +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_3">[Pg 3]</span>Sir Charles, and immediately joined him in his +walk towards Grosvenor Street.</p> + +<p>In one of those amusing and instructive +works upon natural history, in which we find +recorded the traits of character peculiar to different +animals, there is an account of a goose +which had formed so strong an attachment to a +Newfoundland dog belonging to the same master, +that she never was easy out of his society. +Neptune was conscious of this kindly feeling, +and reciprocated it to a certain extent; and whenever +they were together in the yard, <em>he</em> feeding, +and goosey looking affectionately on, or <i lang="la">vice +versâ</i>, it was all very well; but when Neptune +took the air in the street of the village or by the +road-side, or went to refresh himself in a neighbouring +pond, goosey <em>would</em> accompany him. +Then it was too, that, after enduring the waddle +and quack of his admiring companion for a +certain period of time, Neptune invariably, as +soon as he saw any dogs of condition or puppies +of quality coming, put himself into a long +trot, and dart round a corner or over a gate, +in order to exhibit his dislike of the connexion. +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_4">[Pg 4]</span>Sir Charles Lydiard felt very much like dog +Neptune, when goosey Brag joined him: however, +as it was impossible, without rudeness perfectly +inconsistent with Sir Charles’s character +and disposition, to shake him off, he endured +the commencement of a conversation, which in +the end excited the best feelings of his nature, +and awakened in his heart the tenderest sympathy +for a much-injured friend.</p> + +<p>As the reader will hereafter be referred to +this important dialogue, he shall not be troubled +with a repetition of it, here: that it <em>was</em> +important may easily be imagined from the +fact, that when Sir Charles reached the door of +his hotel he invited Brag to come in, and that +they remained in conversation in his drawing-room +for more than an hour.</p> + +<p>The impression left upon Jack’s mind by +what he had heard from his “friend” Sir +Charles was, that the loss of the widow would +neither cause the breaking of the baronet’s +heart nor of his own head; and he was, as the +reader may imagine, proportionably elated and +elevated, and more particularly confirmed in his +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_5">[Pg 5]</span>original intentions respecting his choice of that +lady.</p> + +<p>Jack felt as if he were treading on air as he +paced down Bond Street to call on some other +friend, in order to make a new confidence, no +doubt; however, the Fates decided otherwise, +for, in turning the corner of Hanover Square, +whom should he stumble upon, but Rushton!—a +meeting which, as he had magnanimously determined +to leave him in the quiet possession of +the elegant Blanche, rather pleased him than +not. Rushton, whose “affection” for Jack was, +if possible, stronger than that of Sir Charles +Lydiard, made a desperate attempt to get away +from him, not only because upon a general +principle he wished to avoid him, but because +the impression on his mind was, that ridiculous +as the idea might at first appear, <em>he</em> actually +was the creature for whom Blanche had withdrawn +her affections from him, and that if they +had much conversation, his temper would get +the better of the prudence he meant to adopt +until his suspicions were confirmed, and that +he might resort to the expedient of kicking +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_6">[Pg 6]</span>Jack somewhat prematurely. The rencontre +was, however, inevitable.</p> + +<p>“On your way to the ladies, I presume,” +said Rushton.</p> + +<p>“No,” said Jack, “not till the evening; I +suppose we shall meet.”</p> + +<p>“Perhaps not,” said Rushton, to whom +Jack’s air and manner appeared peculiarly pert +and vulgar,—and he passed on. Jack turned +and kept up with him.</p> + +<p>“Strange creatures, the females!” said Jack, +perking up his head and smirking.</p> + +<p>“They <em>are</em>, indeed!” said Rushton, as the +thought of Blanche’s affection for the burr +which was sticking to him, flashed across his +mind.</p> + +<p>“’Gad, Rushton,” said Jack—(Rushton +shuddered at the familiarity)—“wonders will +never cease!—<em>you</em> are a happy man, with such +a creature as Blanche Englefield your own.”</p> + +<p>“That’s a sore subject,” said Rushton, “and +we had better not touch it. I know you are an +admirable joker,—but jokes, especially practical +ones, not unfrequently turn out ill.”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_7">[Pg 7]</span></p> + +<p>“I know what you are up to,” said Jack:—“down +upon you in half no time, smack, +smooth, and no mistake.”</p> + +<p>“I dare say you may comprehend my +meaning,” said Rushton; “but I repeat, +that if you do, my present feelings are not +to be trifled with; and if you do not, this +is neither the time nor place to enlighten +you.”</p> + +<p>“Don’t put yourself in a passion,” said +Jack; “you never were more mistaken in your +life.”</p> + +<p>“Upon what point?” said Rushton.</p> + +<p>“About Blanche,” replied Brag.</p> + +<p>“Really, sir,” said Rushton, “you are +treading upon very delicate ground. You +have entrapped me into a conversation which +it was my particular wish and desire to avoid +in the present state of affairs; but you have +now led me to a point at which I cannot stop. +You have alluded to a young lady in the most +familiar manner, who, in my opinion, has been +exceedingly civil to you, and I really do consider, +under the circumstances in which I am +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_8">[Pg 8]</span>placed, I ought to know exactly the character +of your intimacy with her.”</p> + +<p>“I shouldn’t wonder!” said Jack: “it only +shows how the longest heads may be puzzled. +You’ll find out all how and about it, before +to-morrow—eh!—are you awake?”</p> + +<p>“Awake!—I am,” said Rushton, “yet I +seem to be dreaming. Do you then admit that +your acquaintance with Miss Englefield, whom +you so unceremoniously call Blanche, is so +near its favourable termination?”</p> + +<p>“My dear Mr. Rushton,” said Brag, “you +are safe—at least, as far as I am concerned: +there are more horses in the stable than one—eh!—are +you awake now? No? I’ll put +you out of your pain then—I hate to be +cruel;—never am, even to dumb animals, +except when I want ’em to stir their stumps a +bit. No, no: if anybody in the house has +cause for jealousy, it isn’t <em>you</em>. Will that do +for you—eh?”</p> + +<p>“What!” said Rushton, “am I to understand +that Mrs. Dallington——”</p> + +<p>“Mum!” said Brag, bursting to proclaim +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_9">[Pg 9]</span>his wonderful success—“dumb as a Dutchman:—the +widow’s the winner, fifty to +one.”</p> + +<p>“You are joking!” said Rushton.</p> + +<p>“Not I,” said Jack:—“thing settled, snug—smack +smooth, and no mistake. I know +you don’t half like Sir Charles. I’ll settle <em>his</em> +affair: I speak, of course, in confidence—but +so it is:—the thing is what the French call a +<i lang="fr">finny affair</i>.”</p> + +<p>“Surely, this never <em>can</em> be!” said Rushton. +“What! after all the declarations I have +heard her make—all her regrets that his coldness +of manner so much damped her natural +affection for him: after——”</p> + +<p>“Lord bless your heart!” said Brag, “there’s +no accounting for females—weathercocks—eh!”</p> + +<p>“I cannot comprehend it,” said Rushton: +“even had—”</p> + +<p>“Do you believe it?” said Brag.</p> + +<p>“You say it, Mr. Brag,” said Rushton;—“it +must be so.”</p> + +<p>“I’ll do more,” said Jack: “we are both +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_10">[Pg 10]</span>in the same boat, and shall be near connexions.”</p> + +<p>“Yes,” said Rushton, in a tone not expressive +of the feelings which the anticipation really +excited, “so we shall;—well?”</p> + +<p>“Well then,” said Jack, “you must keep +the secret:—when a female is concerned, a +man ought to be as still as a dead horse. I’ll +show you her own note,—in course, not a +word to anybody.”</p> + +<p>Saying which, he took out his pocket-book, +and selected with more than ordinary care the +widow’s favourable billet. Rushton would +have seized it, such was his anxiety to convince +himself of the truth of his companion’s statement, +but Jack would not part with it. Rushton +saw it was her writing, and read enough to +satisfy himself not only that it was a genuine +document, but actually the identical letter +which he had seen her despatch in the presence +of Sir Charles Lydiard and himself—a +fact which, however much it might relieve +him from all apprehension of Brag’s further +interference with his proceedings, was in an +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_11">[Pg 11]</span>instant coupled in his mind with the circumstance +of Blanche having upon the same occasion +also sent off a hateful three-cornered note +to somebody else. How subtle are the workings +of a jealous mind!—one evil overcome, +up starts another: one doubt is removed only +to make room for its instant successor.</p> + +<p>“You see what she says,” said Brag. “What +d’ye think of Sir Charles now—eh?—<em>he</em> hasn’t +been awake! That, I think, is a finisher for <em>him</em>. +I shouldn’t have shown you this, but I know—I +am sure, you thought I was beating about +after Blanche—and fancied that <em>she</em>—eh?”</p> + +<p>“I fancy nothing now,” said Rushton—“Blanche +is all faith and truth!”—(“Umph!” +said Brag, dying, but not daring, to show <em>her</em> +up too.)—“But Mrs. Dallington,” continued +he—“well! I have often told Lydiard that +he was taking it too easy, and too calmly, +and all the return I got was his reproach +for being too hasty and too <i lang="fr">exigeant</i> in my +demands upon the reason and consistency of +women in general. I knew what would happen.”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_12">[Pg 12]</span></p> + +<p>“Was that since I became acquainted with +her?” said Brag.</p> + +<p>“Long before,” said Rushton: “and as for +Blanche,” continued he, still ‘harping’ upon the +letter, “mild and amiable as she is, I dare say +even <em>she</em> deceives me sometimes.”</p> + +<p>“I shouldn’t wonder,” said Jack, looking +excessively cunning.</p> + +<p>“You are a comforter to a doubting man,” +said Rushton.</p> + +<p>“Well, good-bye!” said Jack. “In course, +you’ll take no notice of what I have said. I +think we had better have the double marriage +the same day—eh! Mrs. Dallington Brag will +sound well. I think I shall startle Lord Tom:—so, +mum! as I say:—keep my counsel, +and it will all come off smack smooth, right up, +straight down, and no mistake!”</p> + +<p>Saying which, Brag quitted his wondering +companion at the top of Harley Street, to which +this dialogue had extended their walk; and +darted across the New road to a livery stable, +where two or three of his horses, which did <em>not</em> +belong to him, were standing at livery.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_13">[Pg 13]</span></p> + +<p>Rushton’s feelings were considerably excited +by the disclosure which his companion had +made. His indignation was roused by the +assurance and vanity of the coxcomb, ready to +sacrifice the character of a woman who had +owned her affection for him, to the gratification +of boasting of her good opinion; while his sympathy +was seriously awakened for Sir Charles +Lydiard. That he had been, as he had long +suspected, made the dupe of a heartless woman, +was now a fact incontrovertibly established; +and Rushton considered it his duty to Sir +Charles, for whom, however uncongenial their +characters and opposed their dispositions +might be, he could not fail to entertain a +high respect and esteem, to make him acquainted +with what he had heard from Brag,—or +rather, which was most convincing, that +which he had seen in his possession, in order +that he might spare himself the needless mortification +of receiving a formal dismissal from +the widow, as well as to rescue him from a +further continuance of a system of hypocrisy +and deception, for which, although it was impossible +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_14">[Pg 14]</span>not to admit it, it was most difficult +reasonably to account.</p> + +<p>Naturally enough, these considerations upon +Sir Charles Lydiard’s affair led to some reflections +upon his own. Blanche, the gentle and +the mild, was the sister of the woman who had +conducted herself with such heartless levity +and indelicate duplicity—not only her sister, +but her constant associate—her confidante, no +doubt. The last pert toss of Brag’s empty +head had its weight in these calculations: it +was most unquestionably to be inferred that +there was no great difference between the conduct +or character of the two sisters. But +what was a hint or innuendo from such a person? +Nothing!—unless backed up and corroborated +by testimony so convincing as that +which he had afforded of the widow’s levity +and fickleness.</p> + +<p>Rushton’s thoughts, however, still rested on +Sir Charles Lydiard. A little more reflection +upon the matter strengthened him in his first +intention, of imparting all he knew to the worthy +baronet—an intention which he more particularly +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_15">[Pg 15]</span>determined to put in practice, inasmuch +as a communication between them might elicit +something beneficial to both.</p> + +<p>Accordingly Rushton proceeded to the hotel +at which Sir Charles was living, and found +him at home and alone. When he entered the +room where he was sitting, he was sensibly +struck by an unusual embarrassment in his +manner, and a kind of affectionate air in his +reception of him. Rushton felt assured that +he knew the worst. They sat down; but the +difficulty which Rushton naturally experienced +in opening the subject uppermost in his mind, +was increased by the evident agitation of the +baronet. A few commonplace observations, and +questions about riding, or walking, or dining, +were soon exhausted. At length Rushton asked +his friend if he should be at Mrs. Dallington’s +during the day or evening.</p> + +<p>“I think I shall go there in the evening,” +said Sir Charles, and his voice faltered:—a +pause ensued.</p> + +<p>“Have you heard from either of the ladies +this morning?” asked Rushton.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_16">[Pg 16]</span></p> + +<p>“No,” replied Lydiard, looking earnestly +at his friend—“have <em>you</em>?”</p> + +<p>“Not I,” said Rushton—and then came +another pause. “What extraordinary creatures +women are!”</p> + +<p>“They are indeed, Rushton,” said Sir Charles. +“Pray, have you happened to meet that most +odious of persons, Mr. Brag, in the course of +your walk or ride to-day?”</p> + +<p>“I have,” said Rushton, in a tone much +more serious than the subject seemed to require, +at the same time fixing his eyes steadily +upon the unhappy victim before him.</p> + +<p>“He is extremely popular with the women,” +said Sir Charles, “which strikes me as one of +the strongest proofs of the impossibility of +comprehending the nature of their minds and +tastes.”</p> + +<p>“It does seem curious,” said Rushton, “that +anything so vain and so vulgar should have +the power to induce women of sense, education, +rank, and character, to forfeit all claims to +respect and esteem by favouring his pretensions.”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_17">[Pg 17]</span></p> + +<p>“Pray, Rushton, did the fellow make any +communication to you?” asked Sir Charles.</p> + +<p>“Upon what subject?” said Rushton.</p> + +<p>“A very tender and important one,” replied +the baronet: “indeed, if you had not +called, I should have endeavoured to find +you before dinner, to have spoken to you +upon it.”</p> + +<p>“Why, he certainly did say something,” +said Rushton,—“and that something was very +important.”</p> + +<p>“Did he show you a letter?” said Sir Charles.</p> + +<p>“He did,” replied Rushton.</p> + +<p>“Well, then, we can speak without further +disguise,” said Sir Charles;—“were you not +thunder-stricken?”</p> + +<p>“It merely confirmed me in my often repeated +opinion,—that we know nothing of women,” +said Rushton.</p> + +<p>“You have often told me you thought there +was something of the sort going on between +them,” said Sir Charles; “but I take matters +so much more coolly than you do, that, I confess, +it appeared to me little else than the common +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_18">[Pg 18]</span><i lang="fr">badinage</i> in which a pretty woman dearly +loves to engage.”</p> + +<p>“Ah! Sir Charles,” said Rushton, “it is that +very coolness of which you boast that has done +all the mischief.”</p> + +<p>“I don’t exactly see that,” said Sir Charles. +“You will find that I shall bring my young +widow into perfect subjection, more especially +after this adventure of the chattering +Brag.”</p> + +<p>“After!” said Rushton—“why, my dear Sir +Charles, what on earth do you mean? That +after the exposure of falsehood and flightiness, +delusion and deception, which this fellow has +had the good fortune to excite, and has now +the vanity to exhibit in the public streets, +you would marry Mrs. Dallington, if you +could?”</p> + +<p>“My dear friend, why not?” said the baronet. +“I may, and do, feel deeply for all the +results which you enumerate, and agree with +you in your surprise that such results should +have occurred: it seems perfectly miraculous!—but, +however much I may sympathize with +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_19">[Pg 19]</span>you, there can be no reason why I should give +up Mrs. Dallington.”</p> + +<p>“Did you read the letter Brag received?” +said Rushton.</p> + +<p>“I did,” replied Sir Charles, “twice over—and, +I assure you, was exceedingly shocked +and amazed.”</p> + +<p>“My dear Sir Charles,” exclaimed Rushton, +“are you made of ice?—‘exceedingly shocked!’ +is <em>that</em> a phrase consistent with the discovery of +such a proof of infidelity as <em>this</em>?”</p> + +<p>“What can I say more, Rushton!” said Sir +Charles. “You must feel the blow most severely, +especially with your vivid imagination +and excessive sensibility; but for <em>me</em>, I have +only to thank my stars that my fair widow is +still my own.”</p> + +<p>“Your own!” cried Rushton:—“what! +after she has accepted Brag!”</p> + +<p>“<em>She</em> accept Brag!” said the baronet, opening +his eyes rather wider than usual—“no, no—that +would be rather too much of a joke!”</p> + +<p>“Why, she <em>has</em> accepted him!” said Rushton, +dashing his hand on the table.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_20">[Pg 20]</span></p> + +<p>“In your circumstances, Frank,” said Sir +Charles, “one would not venture to suspect a +joke:—but, whatever may have been the indiscretions +of the meek and modest Miss Englefield, +Mrs. Dallington has, I flatter myself, too +much good sense to be betrayed into any such +absurdity.”</p> + +<p>“Why, you told me you had seen the letter,” +said Rushton.</p> + +<p>“So I have,” replied Sir Charles, “but +most assuredly no letter of her’s.”</p> + +<p>“Whose then?” exclaimed Frank.</p> + +<p>“Why,” said Sir Charles, “Blanche’s letter.”</p> + +<p>“Letter to whom?” cried Rushton, starting +from his chair.</p> + +<p>“To her accepted lover, Brag,” replied the +baronet.</p> + +<p>“<em>Her</em> lover!” cried, or rather screamed, the +infuriate Rushton. “My dear friend, what +do you mean?—what does it all mean?”</p> + +<p>“I mean merely,” replied Sir Charles, “that +Mr. Brag was good enough to show me the +letter in question, which was written to him +by Miss Blanche Englefield, accepting the +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_21">[Pg 21]</span>offer of his hand,—and that I read it twice +over.”</p> + +<p>“Why, then, the world’s at an end, Lydiard!” +cried Rushton. “Blanche false!—Blanche!—Oh! +why was I deceived?—why +was I duped?”</p> + +<p>“I really don’t know,” said Sir Charles, in +a tone which, by the contrast it afforded to the +convulsive exclamations of his agitated friend, +seemed to imply that he did not very much care.</p> + +<p>“But how do <em>you</em> bear it, Sir Charles?” +said Rushton. “These women are worse than +women usually are. He showed me a letter +from the widow,—your widow! Sir Charles,—couched +in exactly the same terms.”</p> + +<p>“What!—accepting him?” said Sir Charles.</p> + +<p>“Upon my honour and life! yes,” said +Rushton. “What on earth does it mean? +That dear, calm, mild—I shall go mad—raving +mad!—Wretch that I am!”</p> + +<p>“Stop, Rushton,” said Sir Charles; “follow +my advice; sit down, and take rest and comfort.”</p> + +<p>“Comfort!”</p> + +<p>“Yes, comfort,” said the baronet. “I see +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_22">[Pg 22]</span>through all this in a moment. While there +was but one letter, and one traitress, it was all +possible, though not probable; the two settle +the affair:—it’s a trick.”</p> + +<p>“A trick! my dear Sir Charles,” said Rushton—“no, +no! To think that that fair creature +should so far forget herself—no, no:—I +am sure she never could have written—”</p> + +<p>“My dear friend, I saw and read the letter,” +said Sir Charles, “and I repeat it is all a +trick. How could two women, living on the +terms upon which Blanche and her sister live, +accept the same man in one day? No doubt, +this wretched little creature has been persecuting +them with his attentions, and they have +undertaken this scheme as the precursor of his +unceremonious rejection.”</p> + +<p>“But why write?” said Rushton—“why—”</p> + +<p>“For the better carrying on of the plot,” +continued the baronet:—“<em>you</em> trust their +letters—<em>I</em>, their hearts. That very empty +coxcombs may, and do, succeed sometimes, is +too notorious to be denied; but here the case +is totally different, in my opinion. The fat +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_23">[Pg 23]</span>knight, in the hands of the Windsor wives, +was in a more enviable position than our little +steeple-hunter is at this moment in those of one +maid and widow.”</p> + +<p>“Do you really think so?” said Rushton, +his rage moderating a little.</p> + +<p>“Think!” replied Sir Charles—“consult +your own common sense; a moment’s reflection +proves it.”</p> + +<p>“Upon my life! I begin to think so too,” +said Rushton. “But there is one thing which +seems to me absolutely necessary, not only to +assure us of their good intentions, but to vindicate +our own characters and worry them in +their turn,—I mean, that whether these notes +are or are not intended to entrap and expose +Mr. Brag, <em>we</em> should consider them serious, +and act upon the information we have received +from their adorable imp.”</p> + +<p>“I shall go to Mrs. Dallington’s,” said Sir +Charles, “this evening, as usual, see how +things look, and proceed accordingly.”</p> + +<p>“Yes, but don’t let us believe everything +we hear too readily,” said Frank.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_24">[Pg 24]</span></p> + +<p>“What! still jealous—still doubting?” said +the baronet.</p> + +<p>“No, not that,”—said Rushton, “I will be +there too; and while you touch upon the subject, +I will watch their eyes.”</p> + +<p>“The telegraphs again,” said Sir Charles.</p> + +<p>“Yes, there one may read the language of +the heart,” said Rushton.</p> + +<p>“Leave the management of the affair to me,” +said Sir Charles: “I can conduct myself more +calmly and moderately than some people. Rely +upon it, my widow shall not get out of this +little manœuvre without some trouble.”</p> + +<p>“You will not distress her?” said Rushton.</p> + +<p>“A woman in tears looks remarkably interesting,” +said the baronet.</p> + +<p>“I love to see her dear countenance drest in +smiles,” said Rushton, “and I do hope you—”</p> + +<p>“We will go this evening together,” said +the baronet. “See how I conduct myself towards +Mrs. Dallington, and if you do not +choose to follow my example, at least profit by +experience.”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_25">[Pg 25]</span></p> + +<p>“I confess,” said Rushton, “I am by no +means satisfied; yet all you say—”</p> + +<p>“Is all that is to be said on the subject,” +said Sir Charles. “So now I am at your service +for a walk or ride till dressing-time, and, +if you have nothing better to do afterwards, +for a <i lang="fr">tête-à-tête</i> cutlet at Crocky’s; we can +there talk over our future proceedings for the +evening, and suggest some method of utterly +exterminating John Brag, Esq.”</p> + +<p>“Kicking him first, and shooting him afterwards,” +said Rushton, “is what I should respectfully +recommend.”</p> + +<p>“Oh! dear no,” said Sir Charles, “most +assuredly neither the one nor the other; he +shall live to amuse us upon some other occasion: +without a few tigers and lions, society +would be ‘flat, stale, and unprofitable.’ So, +come away, and, I flatter myself, you will see +me this evening at Mrs. Dallington’s in something +very like a new character.”</p> + +<p>It was under this engagement the friends +proceeded on their stroll, Rushton feeling infinitely +less at ease than the baronet, who +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_26">[Pg 26]</span>viewed the affair in its true light, and was +fully resolved upon having his <i lang="fr">revanche</i> after +his own plan.</p> + +<p>What the state of Brag’s feelings might +have been during the few hours which preceded +the deciding visit to the same scene, it is +scarcely possible to imagine. Mr. Ducrow can +ride two, or even three, horses at once; and +some other equally astounding artist is able to +dance upon two tight ropes at the same time; +but to manage two ladies under the circumstances +in which Brag had placed himself, seems +to be a task Herculean by comparison with +either of the others. A man less conceited and +self-assured would either have seen through +the trick which they had so justly played upon +him, or if he could have imagined the result +possible, would have excused himself from +accepting the invitation of either lady, when +both were for the same night; but Jack took +it for granted that he had, as he called it, +“knocked them both over,” and that, as the +“females” were “cunning creturs,” each one +would so contrive to play her own game, as not +to awaken the suspicions of the other.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_27">[Pg 27]</span></p> + +<p>As the time approached, Johnny made the +most careful preparations for dressing. Never +was anything so smart and spruce as the dapper +cockney in what he called his “genteel comedy” +dress; and by nine o’clock he was all +ready for the conflict. Circumstances, however, +as we shall see, conspired to delay his appearance +at the widow’s, and Sir Charles and Rushton +arrived before him. It was judged, however, +better, for the furtherance of their scheme, +that Rushton should not make his appearance +in the drawing-room at the same time with his +friend; he therefore made an excuse to the +servant, that he wished to write a letter before +he went up stairs, and bade him put lights in +the library in order that he might do so. Sir +Charles proceeded to the drawing-room at once, +and found the ladies alone, evidently waiting +the arrival of Brag, whose exhibition was not +intended by them to have been witnessed by +anybody but themselves. Their surprise at +the appearance of Sir Charles was, however, +speedily changed into a feeling of a very different +nature, by finding him colder, more +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_28">[Pg 28]</span>gloomy, and more reserved than even <em>he</em> was +usually.</p> + +<p>(“Rely upon it,” said Mrs. Dallington to her +sister, “Mr. Brag has been blabbing.”)—“My +dear Sir Charles, you seem vastly out of spirits.”</p> + +<p>“There are circumstances in the world which +affect us to such a degree, madam,” said Lydiard, +“as to render a concealment of the +feelings they excite impossible.”</p> + +<p>“To what do you allude, Sir Charles?” +said Mrs. Dallington, really concerned at perceiving +what she could not doubt to be the +successful result of her manœuvre.</p> + +<p>“I mean, madam,” said Lydiard, “that a +woman who permits the unequivocal attentions +of a lover—encourages those attentions—nay, +goes the length of admitting her affection for +him, and then betrays him and accepts a rival, +strikes a blow to his heart, the anguish of +which cannot be disguised.”</p> + +<p>“Rely upon it,” said Mrs. Dallington, “<em>you</em> +have no cause for the grief you describe.”</p> + +<p>“I! madam,” said the baronet,—“I am +not speaking of myself: no, no—<em>my</em> sorrow +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_29">[Pg 29]</span>and anxiety are excited by a sympathy for my +poor friend, Rushton. Oh! Miss Englefield, +what must your feelings be when you know +the state of mind to which he is reduced? He +has discovered all. He is aware of the transfer +of your affections, and is, as I verily believe—mad!”</p> + +<p>“Mad!” said Blanche.</p> + +<p>“Yes,” said Sir Charles; “his feelings, as +you well know, are strong—his passions violent. +His conduct this afternoon I consider very little +short of insanity.”</p> + +<p>“Under similar circumstances, Sir Charles,” +said Mrs. Dallington, “<em>you</em> perhaps would not +be so violently affected.”</p> + +<p>“Certainly not, madam,” replied Sir Charles; +“but I can feel deeply for a friend who is. +To <em>my</em> advice only will he be indebted for a +speedy restoration, as I hope, from his alarming +state. I have found the means, and I rejoice +to know that he has adopted them.”</p> + +<p>“What may they be, Sir Charles?” said +Blanche, her eyes filling with tears.</p> + +<p>“Very simple, and, in my opinion, not +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_30">[Pg 30]</span>particularly disagreeable,” said Sir Charles. +“There is a certain Miss Harrington, a most +amiable, beautiful girl, who is avowedly in +love with him,—Julia Harrington, I think, +she is called.”</p> + +<p>“Y-e-s,” stammered Blanche, “I—know—I +have seen her—”</p> + +<p>“Well,” said the baronet, “after what he +had communicated to me of your conduct, it +appeared to me, that as you had thought proper +to reject him in a way so decided as by accepting +another gentleman, which—forgive me, if I +am wrong—he told me you had done, it was the +most judicious thing in the world for him to +transfer his affections to the young lady of +whose compassion he was perfectly secure, and +for whom, I happen to know, he entertains a +very high regard, to call it by no other or tenderer +name.”</p> + +<p>“And,” said Blanche, “did he take your +advice, and fly to her at your suggestion?”</p> + +<p>“Not exactly,” said Sir Charles; “I had +to drive him to her father’s house in my cab; +and although he certainly resisted at first, I +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_31">[Pg 31]</span>eventually succeeded in settling him into an +invitation to a family dinner with them, where, +I conclude, he is now sipping his claret, and +making himself acceptable to the fair daughter +of the house.”</p> + +<p>“What on earth shall I do!” said Blanche +to herself:—but her ejaculation was not so +completely “mental” as to escape the attentive +ears of the worthy baronet, who felt his own character +change, and his disposition alter, as he +witnessed the gradual success of his stratagem.</p> + +<p>“I think, Sir Charles,” said Mrs. Dallington, +who was now convinced that <em>her</em> proceedings +with Brag were yet unknown to him, “that +you might have spent the last few hours of +your life more profitably than in separating +two fond hearts.”</p> + +<p>“Fond hearts!” said Sir Charles—“the +acceptance of a rival is no particularly strong +proof of fondness. No—let him marry where +he is loved; and as for myself, Mrs. Dallington, +I shall content myself with waiting a little +longer for the happiness which, I trust, my +friend will shortly enjoy. I hope, madam, +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_32">[Pg 32]</span>some day to find, like Rushton, a woman who +will condescend to love me truly and faithfully. +My pretensions, I own, are inconsiderable; +but I have at least the merit of sincerity and +honesty. I admit that these are not such +striking qualifications as those of Mr. Brag, a +preference for whom I am aware you have +exhibited, and upon which I have the honour +to congratulate both you and myself. I wish +you a very good evening, ladies.”</p> + +<p>Saying which, Sir Charles walked out of the +room, leaving Mrs. Dallington and Miss Englefield +in a state of stupor and amazement. That +Brag should be laughed at by them, and made +the subject of a scene which should in the end +prove to their lovers the utter contempt they +had for the pretender of whom those lovers +were both jealous, was, as the reader knows, +the main object of their scheme; but the mean +opinion even <em>they</em> entertained of the man—if +man he may be called—did not induce them to +suspect the possibility of his exhibiting their +two letters to his rivals.</p> + +<p>Their own agitation, and the manner Sir +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_33">[Pg 33]</span>Charles assumed during the conversation, gave +them no opportunity of explaining away the +affair, and they sat looking at each other for +<span id="TN1">two or three minutes</span> without speaking, convinced +that the anger of Sir Charles was genuine, +and the story he had told true; for although +it was part of their object, or at least +of Mrs. Dallington’s, to agitate the feelings of +their devoted swains, it was most assuredly not +their intention either to drive Sir Charles into +old bachelorism, or hurry Rushton into a marriage +with Miss Harrington.</p> + +<p>“Well,” said Mrs. Dallington, “this has +somehow taken a wrong turn. I admit that +Sir Charles’s agitation pleases me; it is what I +hoped for;—although certainly I did not think +that Mr. Brag was quite so great a monster:—but +for <em>you</em>, Blanche—”</p> + +<p>“I am lost,” said Blanche, “for ever! Oh, +sister, sister!—why did I lend myself to this +scheme? If Rushton marries that Miss Harrington, +what on earth will become of me!”</p> + +<p>“There it is, Blanche,” said Mrs. Dallington; +“while you had him all to yourself, you +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_34">[Pg 34]</span>never were at rest,—always quarreling, always +reproaching, always accusing and defending.”</p> + +<p>“True,” said Miss Englefield, “but what +are such quarrels? I know his heart—I know +his good qualities—I can see his imperfections;—but +that I love him sincerely is now my +greatest misfortune.”</p> + +<p>Little did Miss Blanche Englefield think +that this most unequivocal declaration of the +state of her heart and feelings was clearly and +distinctly heard by Mr. Francis Rushton himself, +who having, instead of dining at General +Harrington’s, as Sir Charles had stated, entered +the boudoir, in which there was no light, +from the staircase, at the moment that his +friend was giving his account of the proceedings +of the morning, and not venturing to interrupt +the thread of a narrative which was to +form so important a feature of <em>their</em> scheme, +had dropped himself quietly into a well-stuffed +chair in a corner of the room, where he lay +<i lang="fr">perdu</i>, not daring then to make his appearance, +which would, of course, overthrow the authenticity +of Sir Charles’s story; and afterwards +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_35">[Pg 35]</span>being ashamed of admitting, by presenting himself +to the ladies, when the worthy baronet was +gone, that he had, under such circumstances, +overheard the declaration which had given him +such unqualified delight.</p> + +<p>“Well,” said Mrs. Dallington, “of one thing +it assures us, at all events, that however the +warmth of the one and the coldness of the other +may at times have excited our suspicions of fidelity +in one instance, or affection in the other, it +is now clearly established that they are both +sincerely attached to us.”</p> + +<p>“And what consolation is that to <em>me</em>?” said +Blanche—“or how can I ever atone to myself +for having, at your suggestion, answered the +impertinent note of that odious, foolish creature, +Brag? What must Frank think of me?—to +prefer such an animal to <em>him</em>!”</p> + +<p>“Well, but surely, Blanche,” said Mrs. Dallington, +“Rushton’s devotion to <em>you</em> cannot +have been so entirely exclusive. I have heard +him vowing that he would die if you rejected +him; instead of which, he immediately sets +about making another match the moment he +thinks you have cast him off. If he had chosen +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_36">[Pg 36]</span>to kill himself, you could not help it, you +know.”</p> + +<p>“Oh! sister, sister,” said Blanche, “do not +for the world talk of such a thing:—Rushton +kill himself for <em>me</em>!”</p> + +<p>“Yes: it was his course of proceeding,” +said Mrs. Dallington, “to agitate, excite, and +alarm you into loving him. Sir Charles’s line +with me has been totally different. It is our +duty to ourselves to conceal our feelings now, +however strong they may be; our honour demands +the sacrifice.”</p> + +<p>“Honour! my dear sister,” said Blanche,—“honour +consists in deceiving no one. As for +Rushton, you would at this moment be delighted +to find Sir Charles as jealous of <em>you</em> as you +have often seen <em>him</em> jealous of <em>me</em>. Miss Harrington +has long been attached to him, and now +by this silly scheme, as I must call it, I have +driven him to return that affection. If he could +know the anguish I feel at this moment, he would +best know how to appreciate my regard and +esteem.”</p> + +<p>The tears that followed these words were more +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_37">[Pg 37]</span>than Rushton could bear. His apparent meanness +in listening—the certain overthrow of +Sir Charles’s scheme—every consideration but +one was forgotten; and starting from his corner, +he rushed into the drawing-room, and in +an instant was on his knees before his beloved +Blanche.</p> + +<p>“I am here!” said Rushton,—“is this +enough?”</p> + +<p>“Mercy on me!—Mr. Rushton!” cried +Blanche.</p> + +<p>“What!” said Frank, “did you—could +you for a moment believe that I should act as +Lydiard has told you I had done? No, no, +Blanche! I am at your feet—your slave eternal: +my heart—my hand—my fate, are all at +your disposal.”</p> + +<p>“So,” said Mrs. Dallington, “Sir Charles +Lydiard is the wise manager of this scheme.”</p> + +<p>“Yes,” said Rushton, “he saw through the +trick you were playing, which I was mad +enough to believe a matter-of-fact.”</p> + +<p>“And how might <em>you</em> have become acquainted +with the story?” asked Mrs. Dallington.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_38">[Pg 38]</span></p> + +<p>“Your double victim,” said Rushton, “was +so elated by his success, that, in order to relieve +Lydiard’s weak mind, he showed <em>him</em> Blanche’s +tender billet; and in order to prove what a +dupe Lydiard was, he exhibited yours to <em>me</em>.”</p> + +<p>“Was there ever such a detestable wretch +upon earth!” said Mrs. Dallington.</p> + +<p>“You know he is coming here this evening,” +said Rushton.</p> + +<p>“He shall not be let in,” said Mrs. Dallington.</p> + +<p>“Oh! yes, by all means let him in,” said +Rushton. “All care is now banished from our +hearts; let us celebrate the happy termination +of all our uncertainties by a sacrifice.”</p> + +<p>“As you like,” said the fair widow. “And +where is Sir Charles?—is he gone?”</p> + +<p>“Not he,” said Rushton: “he is in the +library, I take it. His scheme is not yet half +complete, but he may now spare himself the +trouble of working it out.”</p> + +<p>“I may indeed,” said the worthy baronet, +entering the drawing-room through the boudoir, +where he hoped to have found Rushton +still ensconced, and the mystification still in +progress.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_39">[Pg 39]</span></p> + +<p>“They know all,” said Rushton.</p> + +<p>“As I did before,” said Sir Charles. “I +was perfectly aware of the character of their +proceedings towards our formidable rival, but I +am equally satisfied with yourself that we deserved +such a return for our doubts of those +we so dearly prize. I admit that I have been +jealous, from an excess of esteem; Frank has +been jealous from an excess of love. It is time +to terminate these little bickerings; and if my +dear Mrs. Dallington will be content with such +a heart as I have to offer, it is hers, entire +and undivided.”</p> + +<p>“This is a very extraordinary proceeding,” +said Mrs. Dallington. “I am taken entirely by +surprise; however, Sir Charles, I know of no +great advantage in concealing a generous feeling +of attachment which I admit to exist—and so—we +will consider of it to-morrow.”</p> + +<p>“My dear sister,” said Blanche, “I began +to be very angry with you at one time.”</p> + +<p>“When you thought you should lose Rushton,” +said Mrs. Dallington. “But I never was +much agitated, because I did not give that implicit +credit to Sir Charles’s history of Julia +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_40">[Pg 40]</span>Harrington, which you, who were so much more +interested, and therefore so much less able to +form a just opinion upon it, did; and I was +at all events satisfied, that if your devoted +had, in the course of two hours, made up his +mind to a new <i lang="fr">affaire du cœur</i>, his <i lang="fr">cœur</i> was +not much worth caring for.”</p> + +<p>“Well,” said Sir Charles, “I confess myself +happier than I have been for these two years.”</p> + +<p>At that moment, it being about half-past ten +o’clock, the drawing-room door was thrown +open, and—“Mr. Brag!” announced. The +effect produced was infinitely greater than the +hero of the night himself imagined. The cause +of his being so late was this;—he had anticipated +that the “females,” each manœuvring in +her own behalf, would not only have contrived +to find opportunities for separate <i lang="fr">têtes-à-têtes</i>, +but that his widow, who, of course, had the +control, would so have arranged that there +should be no visiters to interrupt them. When +he first reached the house, he found Sir Charles +Lydiard’s carriage at the door. This annoyed +him considerably, and he retired for more than +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_41">[Pg 41]</span>an hour, thinking that the “bore” of a baronet +might have dined with his intended, and that he +would go early. Upon his return at the latest +possible period at which he felt he could with propriety +seek admission into so regular a family +as Mrs. Dallington’s, there he still found the +eternal carriage of Sir Charles Lydiard. In +order to show the earnestness of his feelings, and +his anxiety to keep his double appointment, he +resolved to pay his visit, however inconvenient +the presence of other company might be. He +grasped the knocker: the thunder resounded +through the hall. The door was opened; and +after the purgatorial process of mounting the +stairs,—there he stood, in the middle of the +circle,—“as large,” or perhaps we had better +say as small, “as life!”</p> + +<p>It is difficult to describe the various sensations +created by his appearance—the indignation +of the women, or the sovereign contempt +of the men, increased tenfold by his vain, dirty, +and unprincipled exhibition of the letters. +However, although there had been no time for +preconcerting any course of behaviour towards +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_42">[Pg 42]</span>him, it seemed simultaneously to strike the two +happy couples, to treat him in that sort of easy, +commonplace manner, which might leave him +without the slightest suspicion that the whole +of the affair was known or understood, and so +give him scope for a little of that admirable +management with which he used to boast he +“carried on the war,” and to which, it was +evident, he must resort, to maintain his position +relatively to his two captives.</p> + +<p>“You are late, Mr. Brag,” said Rushton.</p> + +<p>“Yes,” said Brag, “I have been dining +with some monsters who sit and drink wine. +Upon my life! we had to swallow four or five +bottles after dinner, before coffee was ordered:—that +I call a bore, and no mistake.”</p> + +<p>The time to which this description referred +had been expended by this exemplary man in +walking up and down and round about the +neighbouring streets, until he should see the +departure of the baronet’s carriage. Little did +he imagine what had occurred in that very +drawing-room during the period of his peregrinations.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_43">[Pg 43]</span></p> + +<p>“I ought to apologize to <em>you</em>,” said Brag, +addressing himself to the widow, with a look +which the other three perfectly understood;—“but +Lord Tom had two or three young +fellows to dine with him—wanted me to do +the honours and be <i>crowpee</i>; so I couldn’t say +no,—for Tommy is a right good fellow, and no +mistake, although <em>some people</em> don’t patronize +him.”</p> + +<p>“I <em>thought</em> Lord Tom, as you call him,” +said Sir Charles, “was at Dover.”</p> + +<p>“Came to town this afternoon, and goes back +to-morrow,” said Jack, not in the slightest degree +abashed or confounded.</p> + +<p>Sir Charles whispered something to Mrs. +Dallington, which seemed very much to impugn +the truth of Jack’s statement; during +which little <i lang="fr">entretien</i>, Jack drew his chair +close to Blanche’s, and with a look which nearly +destroyed the serenity of the rest of the +party, said, in a low tone, “I was determined to +be here this evening, let what might happen.”</p> + +<p>“I appreciate your kindness and consideration,” +said Miss Englefield.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_44">[Pg 44]</span></p> + +<p>“I was thinking,” said Brag, in that sort of +confidential whisper in which all the branches +of the Brag family speak nothingnesses to +handsome women, in hopes that they may be +mistaken for somethings, “that you are too +hard upon Rushton. What you say in your +note is too severe: give him a trial. There’s +no accounting for temper. I had a cover hack +once,—as pretty an animal as ever stepped,—but +his temper was unaccountable bad. Instead +of flogging or pulling him, I bore with +him, and humoured him,—tried him with a +snaffle instead of a curb,—and at last he went +as quiet as a lamb.”</p> + +<p>“What!” said Blanche, assuming the same +tone,—“you recommend patience, and advise +forbearance!—I scarcely expected this.”</p> + +<p>“Upon my honour!” said Jack, “you know +I <em>can</em> mean nothing but what’s right up, +straight down, and no mistake. I like Rushton +very much, and, I must say, I do think you +don’t give him a fair chance. I mean, if +that’s the cause of your separating—”</p> + +<p>“What,” said Rushton, “are you talking +about me?”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_45">[Pg 45]</span></p> + +<p>“Nothing you need mind hearing,” said +Brag. “You,” continued he, rising from his +seat, and leaning over Rushton’s chair,—“you +are not like our poor friend the baronet in the +next room—he, he, he!—eh?”</p> + +<p>“No,” said Rushton; “he seems entirely +devoted.”</p> + +<p>“Strange blindness!” said Jack. “But, I +say, Rushton,—now that Blanche is gone to +join them,—upon my life, I cannot help congratulating +you upon that. She <em>is</em> charming; +so mild—so gentle—eh! Do <em>that</em> off-hand—take +my advice—hit the nail on the head—strike +while the iron’s hot: settle—sign—seal—eh!—black +and white, and no mistake.”</p> + +<p>“I think I shall,” said Rushton.</p> + +<p>“Blanche, dear,” said Mrs. Dallington, “if +you have any voice, sing us one of those little +things of Rossini’s.”</p> + +<p>“Voice!” said Blanche,—“I have neither +voice nor inclination to sing.”</p> + +<p>“Do!” said Brag, taking her hand affectionately—“delight +me! To-morrow I will +explain all I said just now.”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_46">[Pg 46]</span></p> + +<p>Blanche turned from him with a shudder, +which he mistook for a mark of sensitive affection, +and proceeded to the piano-forte, to which, +much to her delight, Brag saw Rushton accompany +her. It was evident to the conspirators +that Brag attributed Mrs. Dallington’s proposition +for singing to a desire for a few minutes’ +conversation with <em>him</em>, because he knew enough +of society to know that a young lady’s song is +the signal for the general untying of tongues; +and that people who have been all the evening +sitting as silent as the grave, immediately begin +to talk and flirt the moment the music +begins. To favour Brag’s too palpable design, +Sir Charles left Mrs. Dallington’s side to make +way for the pretender, and joined the happy +couple at the piano-forte.</p> + +<p>The bait was swallowed—the baronet’s vacated +place was instantly occupied, and Brag as close +as he could be to Mrs. Dallington in a moment. +The symphony was luckily long and loud.</p> + +<p>“How shall I thank you enough,” said +Brag, “for your note? It settles my fate:—all +done, snug and comfortable. I <em>could</em> tell +you such a story!—but mum for the present. +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_47">[Pg 47]</span>How you <em>can</em> go on with that most worthy +Sir Charles! upon my life you are too bad;—he +believes that you are desperately in love +with him at this minute—that I know;—and I +know more,—that he is desperately in love +with <em>you</em>: however, he may stay or go, now, +just as he pleases. My dear Mrs. Dallington, +you have bound me in eternal gratitude:—all +will go well—and, by Heavens! I swear—”</p> + +<p>“Sir Charles, Sir Charles!” said Mrs. Dallington, +“do leave those players and singers +alone. Mr. Brag is getting so dreadfully tender, +that I don’t know what upon earth to do +with him. I must have you, if you please, to +break the particularity of a <i lang="fr">tête-à-tête</i>, and to +play propriety in that corner.”</p> + +<p>“The devil!” said Brag, in more than a +whisper—“what the deuce are you about?”</p> + +<p>“What! is our friend getting particularly +animated?” said the baronet.</p> + +<p>“Not particularly, Sir Charles,” said Brag; +“I was merely saying <em>that</em>, which, under the +circumstances, is mere matter of business, as I +conceive. I may be wrong—but I like candour +and openness nevertheless, and no mistake.”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_48">[Pg 48]</span></p> + +<p>This sentiment, expressed in the loudest tone +of voice, reached the fair syren and her swain; +the lady ceased playing, and the pair burst out +into a violent fit of laughing.</p> + +<p>“Well,” said Brag, who began to get uncommonly +angry, “that’s civil, considering +how things stand at present.”</p> + +<p>This remark threw Mrs. Dallington and Sir +Charles into an equally powerful convulsion of +mirth with that of the other couple.</p> + +<p>“I can’t help laughing at <em>you</em>, Lydiard,” +said Rushton.</p> + +<p>“Nor I at <em>you</em>, Rushton,” said the baronet.</p> + +<p>“Well, it is all very good fun, I dare say,” +said Brag, “but, for <em>my</em> part, I see no joke in +your laughing at each other: there’s not much +to laugh about in any of it, if you come to that.”</p> + +<p>Here the four members of the party all +laughed ten times louder than before.</p> + +<p>“I am not aware,” said Brag, “what you +are all so very merry about.”</p> + +<p>“Why, Mr. Brag,” said Blanche, with one +of her sweetest looks, “we are all laughing at +you!”</p> + +<p>“At <span class="allsmcap">ME</span>!” said Brag.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_49">[Pg 49]</span></p> + +<p>“Yes, Mr. Brag,” said the widow;—“when +gentlemen choose to write duplicate love-letters +to two sisters, and then show their answers +to the two gentlemen to whom these ladies are +engaged, don’t you think the affair, when discovered, +becomes rather ridiculous?”</p> + +<p>The laugh which followed this question was +so loud, that the voice of the servant, who announced +supper,—a light and social meal to +which the agreeable widow was strongly addicted, +and to which her favourite guests were +always specially invited,—could scarcely be +heard.</p> + +<p>“What!” said Brag, “have you been hoaxing +me? Why, this is too bad!”</p> + +<p>“Not at all, Mr. Brag,” said the lady of +the house. “Had the conduct of either my +sister or myself been such as to encourage your +pretensions, we might have excused your addressing +either of us; but when you undertake +to make two proposals at once, the pity we +might have been inclined to feel for your blindness +is turned into a sentiment which, as supper +is waiting, I will not stop to describe. +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_50">[Pg 50]</span>Come, Sir Charles, give me your arm; Mr. +Rushton, take care of Blanche. We are going +to supper, Mr. Brag. Good evening!”</p> + +<p>“Good evening, Mr. Brag!” said Blanche, +making a low curtsey to the astounded little +man.</p> + +<p>“Good night, Mr. Brag!” said Sir Charles, +bowing formally.</p> + +<p>“Brag, good night!” said Rushton, nodding +to him familiarly; and the happy quartett +went laughing down stairs to their symposium, +leaving Mr. John Brag as cold as ice and as +white as a sheet, standing on the hearth-rug +with his back to the fire-place, transfixed, as it +were, to the spot. The world was at an end! +His eyes rested upon the marquetrie and the +buhl, and the ebony and the ivory, and the +Sevres and the Dresden, and the large looking-glasses, +and the Louis-Quatorze tables,—all of +which he had, half an hour before, considered +his own goods and chattels; and there he would +have stood till “morning’s dawn,” had not one +of the footmen, more considerate than the rest, +gone up to him and asked him if he should +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_51">[Pg 51]</span>call a cab for him, for that it had set in a very +wet night.</p> + +<p>It was all too true!—this appeal awakened +him from his dream. He declined the offer, +took his hat, and descended the staircase to +the hall; passed the door of the library where +the supper had been served; heard the clatter +of plates, and the peals of mirth which were +doubtless ringing at his cost, and stepped from +the door of his lost paradise into a thick mizzling +rain with a sharp wind, which drifted +right into his blanched face, saturated his thin +shoes, and made him as bodily miserable as he +was mentally unhappy.</p> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> +<div class="chapter"> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_52">[Pg 52]</span></p> + + + <h2 class="nobreak" id="CHAPTER_II"> + CHAPTER II. + </h2> +</div> + + +<p>After this most disagreeable ejectment, the +character of which might be well expressed in +the words which Mr. Kane O’Hara has put +into the mouth of the kicked-out-of-Heaven +Apollo, who calls his expulsion from the higher +regions and his fall to earth, “a pretty +decent tumble!” it may naturally be supposed +that our sprightly friend, Jack, was +rather out of sorts. As he baffled the wind +which drove the sharp rain peppering into his +eyes, new lights seemed to burst upon him; +and in recalling to mind the whole course +of his proceedings with the ladies, “trifles light +as air,” came one after the other to his recollection, +which, coolly and calmly combined, +tended to exhibit himself <em>to</em> himself in anything +but a favourable point of view.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_53">[Pg 53]</span></p> + +<p>He began all at once to perceive that the +lovers as well as the ladies had all along been +playing upon him; and the idea that both of +them should have accepted him seemed, in the +midst of the soaking shower, an absurdity only +to be equalled by his having himself made the +double proposal. In fact, it is quite curious, as +a matter of natural history, to consider the extraordinary +effects produced upon the pretender +by the wretchedness of his present position; +and one might have hoped that such an exposure, +and such a degradation, would have +cured his affectation and pretension for ever:—but +no. As soon as the next day dawned and +the sun again shone, Jack’s despondency was +at an end, and his natural disposition for +bouncing rather sharpened than checked by +the desire he now felt of showing how little +he cared for his late disaster, and how much +better he could do for himself now that he +was freed from his self-imposed fetters.</p> + +<p>It nevertheless suggested itself to him, that +it would be wiser and more prudent to choose +another sphere of action; for, besides having a +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_54">[Pg 54]</span>better chance of success, it would remove him +for the present from the town which held the +ladies and their lovers, with all or any of whom +he felt a meeting for the next few weeks would +be extremely disagreeable.</p> + +<p>In casting about for a retreat, he recollected +that Lord Tom, as Sir Charles had truly said, +was staying at Dover; and as that circumstance +would secure him a friend, and probably +some introduction into society there, he +determined upon following his noble friend thither +forthwith; and therefore upon his often-tried +principle of figuring in print amongst +the great and gay, he caused his portmanteau +and bag to be deposited at a hotel in the vicinity +of his town “plate,” at which he slept +that night, and at the door of which the +Branch Coach of the Dover Union, would +call for him the next morning, and convey +him to The Bricklayers’ Arms, with the +certainty that he would, on the second day +after his arrival on the coast, find amongst the +“fashionable departures” in the fashionable +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_55">[Pg 55]</span>London newspapers, the words—“Mr. Brag, +from Pumpkin’s Hotel, for Dover.” It would +have been easier to have slept at his lodgings +at Kennington, and hired somebody to carry +his baggage from his “little place in Surrey” +to the Kent Road—but no:—then he must +have been at the expense of paying for the +announcement of his own removal, whereas by +his present arrangement he got <em>that</em> gratis, and +flourished at the hotel for a few hours for less +money than the insertion would have cost him, +had he adopted the other means.</p> + +<p>At one time, soon after his father’s death, +Jack made an attempt at popularity amongst +the sicklies at Cheltenham, and contributed to +one or two public charities, and two or three +private subscriptions for distressed objects. +Upon these occasions he regularly transmitted +his donation to the printer of the newspaper, +with directions to deduct the charge of inserting +his name and liberality in the columns of +his “widely circulated” journal, and hand +the balance of whatever he enclosed to the +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_56">[Pg 56]</span>charity:—for instance, one pound for the subscription, +and five-and-twenty shillings for advertising +his benevolence three times.</p> + +<p>This ostentatious virtue has a parallel in an +anecdote recorded, falsely or correctly, I know +not which, of a late celebrated dissenting preacher, +who, upon the occasion of visiting a family +reduced to a dreadful state of poverty, found the +father of four or five starving children shirtless +in bed; his necessities having driven him to sell +his last remaining garment. A sight like this, +could not fail to move so exemplary a man: he +desired the children to quit the room, and forthwith +divested himself of the shirt he himself +wore, to “cover the nakedness” of the emaciated +sufferer. This being done, the children +were called back, and bid by their parent to +go on their knees to the pious minister, who +had deprived himself of his own garment to +comfort their father. They did so; they wept +for gratitude,—and they did more: all four of +them went,—one east, one west, one south, and +one north,—and proclaimed the excellence of the +pastor; and when he quitted the house which he +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_57">[Pg 57]</span>had adorned by his presence, women, standing +at their doors, bent lowly before him, and pointed +him out to the babes in their arms, whom he +blessed; and when their husbands came home +from work the story was told, and repeated, until +at length it reached the “public,” who joined +in the praise and admiration, which soon became +general. What would they have said or thought +if they had known that this saintly person, who +had won all their love and gratitude, had, in +order to produce the desired effect, put on, before +he left home, the particular shirt which +he thus sacrificed <em>over the one that he actually +wore</em>!</p> + +<p>It might be thought an ill compliment to +one of the parties, to make a comparison between +this departed worthy and Jack Brag; but +if the history be a true one, there is not much +to choose between them. Jack however found, +that with all his much-spoken-of benevolence, +he could gain no solid advantage by conciliating +the affections of a maiden lady, whose fortune +he knew to be considerable, and who was +of a most charitable turn of mind, and he +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_58">[Pg 58]</span>therefore quitted Cheltenham nearly as much +discomfited as he now found himself on his +departure from London—only the retirement +in that case had been altogether voluntary. +In his last failure his exit was far less qualified, +and, in truth, he felt very much like the gentleman +who in ancient verse says—</p> + +<div class="poetry-container"> + <div class="poetry"> + <div class="stanza"> + <div class="verse indent0">“Perhaps it was right to dissemble her love;</div> + <div class="verse indent2">But why did she kick me down stairs?”</div> + </div> + </div> +</div> + +<p>The journey to Dover is not one which requires +much space for detail, although scarcely +a road out of London affords more striking +evidence of the wealth and importance of the +British metropolis. The frequent glimpses of +the majestic Thames, bearing on his ample +breast a daily fleet of countless vessels, and +which especially strike the foreign traveller just +on leaving Milton, where the expansive reach of +the Upper Hope first catches the eye,—are full +of beauty and interest. The verdant fields and +“hedge-rows green,” with the hop-gardens in +full bloom, clustering even more gracefully +than the boasted vine, afford a delightful contrast +to the wide waste of <i lang="fr">la belle France</i>, which, +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_59">[Pg 59]</span>perhaps, one has just left; while, as far as +comforts go, the inns at Rochester, Sittingbourne, +and Canterbury, afford all that can be +desired, at least to those who can afford to +desire them.</p> + +<p>Amongst the mutations of fashion, few appear +to be so reasonable as that by which Dover +(the “<span lang="la">Clavis et repagulum totius regni</span>,” +as Matthew Paris calls it) has become a place +of favourite resort for the best society. It +combines a great variety of attractions, and, +as long as England continues at peace with +France, the daily intercourse between the two +countries produces a constant activity, and a +change of visiters every twenty-four hours, for +the enlivenment and amusement of those who +take up their residence in it for the season.</p> + +<p>“No promontory, town, or haven, in Christendom +is so placed by nature and situation, +both to gratify friends and annoy enemies, as +this town of Dover. No place is so settled to +receive and deliver intelligence for all matters +and actions in Europe from time to time; no +town is by nature so settled either to allure +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_60">[Pg 60]</span>intercourse by sea, or to train inhabitants by +land, to make it great, rich, fair, and populous; +nor is there in the whole circuit of this +famous isle, any port, either in respect of security +or defence, or of traffic or intercourse, +more convenient, needful, or rather of necessity +to be regarded, than this of Dover.”</p> + +<p>So sayeth Sir Walter Raleigh, in his memorial +to Queen Elizabeth; and if that much-injured +worthy were alive to see his favourite +town at this period, he would be quite satisfied +that his successors in this transitory world have +ably worked out his principle. The people of +the present day are assiduously continuing +their improvements under the sanction of the +illustrious Lord-Warden. Nor are the improvements +in the port and harbour the only +testimonies of its flourishing condition; squares, +gardens, streets, rows, crescents, parades, esplanades, +and terraces, are rising from the beach, +and form a delightful contrast to the business-like +appearance of the thickly-thronged pier, +and the London-like gaiety of Snargate, with +all the attractions of Muddle’s and Mummery’s.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_61">[Pg 61]</span></p> + +<p>In this agreeable <i lang="fr">locale</i> was John Brag, Esq. +deposited at a quarter before seven o’clock; +and having caused himself to be set down at +the corner of a lane leading up to one of the +best houses in the place, he called a little boy +with a ragged jacket and well-tarred trowsers, to +carry his portmanteau and bag to one of the +smallest hostelries in the town, which stands in +Church Street, and rejoices in the sign of “The +Three Mackerels,” at which “hotel” Brag proposed +to occupy an apartment at the very top +of the house,—for the benefit of the air.</p> + +<p>The first desideratum in mechanics is the +production of the greatest possible power in +the smallest possible space; and the attainment +of this advantage, in a moral point of view, +was the ever-present object of Jack’s ambition; +that is to say, to make as much show as possible +at the least possible expense:—for Jack, +in the outset of his feverish efforts at settling +himself in good society, had disbursed so largely, +that it had become a matter of prudence, if +not of necessity, to “shave close.” Several of +his greatest friends were his largest debtors; +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_62">[Pg 62]</span>and Lord Tom Towzle, as has been before +hinted, had not unfrequently availed himself +of Jack’s anxiety to oblige. Having, in two or +three instances, discovered that either the well +was dry, or that the pump would not work, his +lordship had latterly given up soliciting the +aid of his lively acquaintance, but at the same +time had evinced less desire for the advantages +of his agreeable society. Jack, however, who +was one of the regular cur tribe, who sneak +back to the vulgar great upon the “cut and +come again” principle, resolved, if he could not +get his principal out of the penniless lordling, +to take his interest in the way of introductions +to good company; and so, like Sinbad’s old +man, he took the earliest opportunity of mounting +his lordship the next morning.</p> + +<p>After a night, not blest with the most soothing +dreams, Jack rose from his bed, dressed, and +descended from his eyrie, resolved to find Lord +Tom in time for his morning meal; and having +discovered a back entrance to the alehouse +in which he had stowed himself away, he proceeded +by that route to the “Ship” inn, where, +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_63">[Pg 63]</span>he guessed—and, as it turned out, correctly—his +noble friend was staying:—and there, as he proposed, +surprised, not altogether agreeably, his noble +friend in the act of sitting down to breakfast.</p> + +<p>“Why, Brag,” said his lordship, “what the +deuce has brought you here? Where’s the +widow? Has Lydiard shot himself?—or have +you shot him, and bolted?”</p> + +<p>“None of it,” said Brag:—“no—that +game’s up:—cut the connexion altogether, +smack, smooth, and no mistake. Lydiard may +have her—win her and wear her for his pains. +Rather too cunning for me—can’t bear forwardness—eh!—you +take. I value nothing that +does not require some hunting after.”</p> + +<p>“What!—then you have abandoned her,” +said Lord Tom; “left her mourning!—hard-hearted +Jack!</p> + +<div class="poetry-container"> + <div class="poetry"> + <div class="stanza"> + <div class="verse indent0">‘Sick with desire, and seeking him she loves,</div> + <div class="verse indent0">From street to street the raving Dido roves.</div> + <div class="verse indent0">So when the watchful shepherd from the blind,</div> + <div class="verse indent0">Wounds, with a random shaft, the careless hind,</div> + <div class="verse indent0">Distracted with her pain, she flies the woods,</div> + <div class="verse indent0">Bounds o’er the lawn, and seeks the silent floods</div> + <div class="verse indent0">With fruitless care; for still the fatal dart</div> + <div class="verse indent0">Sticks in her side, and rankles at her heart.’”</div> + </div> + </div> +</div> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_64">[Pg 64]</span></p> + +<p>“There it must stick,” said Jack—“that’s +all I know. I’m off there: I have seen enough +of that house and its inhabitants:—old birds are +not caught with chaff—eh! No, no—I know +enough of the females to take care of myself.”</p> + +<p>“Come,” said Lord Tom, “sit down, and +eat: my notion is, that starving is good for no +complaint. Keep your heart up by keeping +your stomach full; so, now</p> + +<blockquote> +<p class="no-indent">‘Rebellion’s dead and let us go to breakfast.’”</p> +</blockquote> + +<p>Brag needed no more pressing invitation to +do ample justice to the substantial repast which +was placed before him; and his exertions in +the way of replenishing afforded very satisfactory +evidence that he was not pining for the +loss of his “ladye-love,” and that his indifference +was genuine and sincere.</p> + +<p>“All the world here,” said Lord Tom—“not +a house to be had—people you know +by dozens. How long do you stay?”</p> + +<p>“Never pin myself to time,” said Jack—“as +long as I find it pleasant. Have about +fifteen invitations to different places in the +country:—can’t cut myself into bits—go to as +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_65">[Pg 65]</span>many as I can. This fish is uncommon good—eh!—fresh +out of the water, and no mistake.”</p> + +<p>“How’s your mother, Jack?” said Lord +Tom.</p> + +<p>“Can’t say,” said Jack; “haven’t seen her +since the ‘Bridge’ day.”</p> + +<p>“Then you don’t know whether she has forgiven +you?” said his lordship.</p> + +<p>“Oh! she’s like me,” said Brag, “she don’t +bear malice. I dare say it’s all right, up and +straight down, and no mistake, by this time. +Talking of that,—are there any likely females +for a matrimonial concern here?”</p> + +<p>“Why,” said his lordship, “I have been +here so short a time, that I can’t present you +with a list; but in the afternoon the band will +play on the Parade, and we’ll go and see the +turn-out. You still stick to the marrying +line?”</p> + +<p>“Yes,” said Jack, “when I can see one to +suit. I’ll have another cup of tea, my lord,” +continued he. “I say—talking of suiting—just +look there—of course tiled, as I say:—read +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_66">[Pg 66]</span><em>that</em>, and then, I think, you won’t wonder +at my cutting the widow.”</p> + +<p>Saying which, the generous gentleman, the +<em>kickee</em> of the family, tossed the accepting letter +of Mrs. Dallington across the table to his lordship, +for his perusal and edification.</p> + +<p>“Well,” said Lord Tom, “what in the world +would you have?—here is consent, or the +deuce is in it. I don’t see exactly how you +could get out of the business after this.”</p> + +<p>“I tell you, my lord, I cut and run,” said +Jack. “What I saw the evening before last, +when I went, settled it. I took my hat and +walked—wouldn’t even stop to supper:—a +regular turn off.”</p> + +<p>“What <em>did</em> you see,” said Lord Tom.</p> + +<p>“Mum!” said Jack, “that never passes my +lips. Where the female sex is concerned, honour +is everything. I know you wouldn’t wish +me to say more: the thing’s over now, and +there’s an end: but if I <em>do</em> marry, rely upon +it, neither Mrs. Dallington nor Miss Englefield +shall visit my wife: that’s all:—<i lang="fr">entree +nows</i>, as the French says, and no mistake.”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_67">[Pg 67]</span></p> + +<p>“Well, I am sorry to hear this,” said Lord +Tom; “for although, somehow, I was never a +favourite there, I had the merit of introducing +you to them, and I wish the acquaintance had +been more satisfactory. I suppose they will +take up with their long-dangling lovers.”</p> + +<p>“Perhaps yes,” said Brag, putting his finger +to his nose—“perhaps no: that’s no affair +of mine. All <em>I</em> mean to say is, the ladies +are ‘much of a muchness,’ as I <em>could</em> show +you—only, as I say, honour’s the thing, and +no mistake.”</p> + +<p>“I believe, Jack,” said Lord Tom, “you +have a great deal to answer for. What’s gone +with the unfortunate victim of your success +whom we met in Regent Street?”</p> + +<p>“Hang me if I know!” said Jack. “Poor +girl! I sometimes do think of <em>her</em>. Wouldn’t +do now for a wife—but—else—nice little thing +in her way.”</p> + +<p>“Didn’t you say she was somehow connected +with you?” said Lord Tom.</p> + +<p>“Yes, distantly—very distantly,” said Jack, +wondering in his own mind when he had ever +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_68">[Pg 68]</span>been sufficiently candid, or drunk, to have +admitted the connexion in any degree whatever: +“her brother, the Major, married a relative +of mine.”</p> + +<p>“I think it is rather lucky,” said Lord Tom, +“that her brother, the Major, does not take it +into his head to make some enquiries upon the +subject of the affair.”</p> + +<p>“He’s abroad,” said Jack; “besides—all +snug—never suspected. Her mother wonders +why I have cut them, no doubt:—out of my +line—can’t keep on visiting:—one thing at +one time, eh! different at another, you know. +Don’t mean to marry her, eh!—a little too +late, eh!—all that sort of thing.”</p> + +<p>Lord Tom, since the affair of the “Bridge” +appointment, and the disclosures which the +respectable Mrs. Brag had thought proper to +make upon that occasion, began to grow a little +more suspicious of his friend’s strict adherence +to the truth than he previously had been; +but as he was bound to countenance him as +long as he remained in society, by his pecuniary +obligations to him, he resolved to keep +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_69">[Pg 69]</span>secret all the facts which had come to his knowledge, +but at the same time more attentively +to watch his future proceedings: indeed, the +matter of Mrs. Dallington’s note which he exhibited, +combined with Brag’s manner in describing +his own indignation and disgust, had +the effect of rather unsettling his mind upon +<em>that</em> business, and he resolved to write to somebody +in town for a correct version of the break-off, +which, under the circumstances, could not +fail to create a sensation in—as everybody calls +his own circle—“the world;” Lord Tom thinking, +that if Jack were convicted of romancing +at the expense of the characters of all the men +and women with whom he was permitted to +associate, it would be absolutely necessary to +shake him off, and leave him to any legal remedy +he might think fit to adopt for the recovery +of the money he had borrowed of him, +which his lordship quite well knew he had lent +as a consideration for any good offices which +he might be able to do for him in the way of +patronage.</p> + +<p>After the discussion of breakfast, my lord +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_70">[Pg 70]</span>and his little-expected tiger began their perambulations. +The Pier was visited, although +the freshness of the breeze kept the “females” +from that delightful promenade. In the course +of their walk they encountered a certain Sir +James Gunnersbury, an old artillery officer of +Lord Tom’s acquaintance, who with the greatest +warmth and cordiality invited his lordship +to dine with him that day <i lang="fr">sans-façon</i>, if he +happened to be disengaged.</p> + +<p>The critical moment had arrived, and Jack, +who heard the invitation given, actually shook +with apprehension as to the course his noble +friend might think fit to pursue; his delight +was great, however, when he heard his noble +patron hesitatingly decline the bidding on the +score of being engaged to “his friend, who was +on a visit to him for a few days.” The truth +was, that Lord Tom had no great inclination to +accept the invitation, and rather wished to back +out upon the plea of being tied to his visiter. +The gallant officer, however, was quite resolved +to have him, and entreated his lordship to do +him the favour to present him to his companion, +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_71">[Pg 71]</span>in order that he might express his wish +that <em>he</em> also would honour him and Lady Gunnersbury +with his company.</p> + +<p>To Jack this was the most agreeable thing +in the world; and if it had not been so, it +would have been extremely difficult to evade it. +Brag looked at his lordship, who made no sign +of either a negative or an affirmative character, +and accordingly his “friend” bowed, rather +awkwardly, and said he should be most happy: +and the affair being settled, Sir James, “his +pig-tail fluttering in the wind,” made the best +of his way home to the house which he and his +family occupied in the Parade.</p> + +<p>“Rather a nuisance,” said Lord Tom, +after he had taken his departure: “deuced +dull his parties in town:—Lady Gunnersbury, +the greatest bore on earth—and two daughters, +who sing all night; a remarkably slow +coach of a son,—and not a particularly good +cook. However, we may see something to +amuse us.”</p> + +<p>“Daughters!” said Brag: “rich—eh?”</p> + +<p>“Poor as church mice, I take it,” said his +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_72">[Pg 72]</span>lordship, “and no beauties:—fancy themselves +blue.”</p> + +<p>“Blue!” said Jack—“what an odd notion.”</p> + +<p>“Very odd, indeed,” replied Lord Tom; +“but they talk—as you will hear. All I hope +is, it is not a mere family party—for we shall +die of the blues ourselves if it is.”</p> + +<p>Brag, who was too happy at the idea of +opening a new connexion, now that he saw his +noble friend’s kindness of manner towards him, +began to wish that he had at once proceeded to +“The Ship,” instead of having studied economy +so deeply as to ensconce himself in a minor and +obscure house of entertainment;—it would be +so much more convenient—so much more agreeable—and +he could then be continually with +his noble friend:—but now the great difficulty, +in his small mind, was how to get his portmanteau +and bag conveyed from “The Three +Mackerels” to the leading hotel of the place. +This required considerable dexterity to manage, +but at last his genius triumphed; and +having got into his apartment, he sent for a +fly, in which he deposited his property; and +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_73">[Pg 73]</span>having driven to the hotel, paid the fly-driver +his fare, and dismissed him without permitting +him to exchange a syllable with any of the +waiters, or ostlers, or porters near, which might +have the effect of enlightening them as to the +“place from whence he came:” such pains and +trouble did he always take, to seem to be, that +which he was not, nor ever could be.</p> + +<p>Upon this special occasion he was remarkably +unfortunate; for although he had managed +so much of the affair as has just been +described, he was not destined to sail out of it +altogether with flying colours. It was about +five o’clock in the afternoon when some gay +friends of Lord Tom’s had just arrived at the +“Ship,” whence they were to start for Calais +in the morning, to whom his lordship had just +introduced our hero, and the coffee-room was +thickly peopled with persons of certain consideration, +when a waiter advanced to Jack, who +was laying down the law about some horse +that was to run at Doncaster in a somewhat +authoritative tone, and told him a young woman +wished to speak to him.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_74">[Pg 74]</span></p> + +<p>“Hallo! Jack,” said Lord Tom—“what! +at your old tricks already!—more fascinations—no +time lost. Where is she?”</p> + +<p>“At the door, my lord,” said the waiter.</p> + +<p>“I’ll come this moment,” said Jack. “’Pon +my life! I don’t know what it means.”</p> + +<p>“By Jove! but we’ll see,” said his lordship; +and accordingly he and the two or three men +of his group who perceived that they might presume +a little upon the goodnature of their new +acquaintance Brag, rushed out into the hall, +where stood before them on the steps, a poor +wretched-looking girl, wearing black stockings, +a cracked chip bonnet, a begrimed gown, and +a dirty green baize apron.</p> + +<p>The moment the horrid vision met Brag’s +eyes, he recognized it:—it was the one sole, +solitary she-servant of the pot-house he had +so skilfully abandoned.</p> + +<p>“Oh! sir,” said the girl,—“I beg your pardon,—but +missus found your nightcap and +comb in the attic after you were gone—so she +bid me run and bring them to you.”</p> + +<p>“Where do you come from, my dear?” +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_75">[Pg 75]</span>said Lord Tom, with a killing gravity of countenance.</p> + +<p>“‘The Three Mackerels,’” said the girl, +“where that little gentleman in the white cords +slept last night.” Saying which, she produced +the articles in question,—the cap not bearing +quite the lily-hue, and the comb, unclean as it +was, being somewhat scant of teeth.</p> + +<p>The expression of Jack’s countenance at the +moment this exhibition took place was beyond +description wretched. The friend and associate +of Lord Tom Towzle—the companion of peers +and dandies—to be the owner of two such +objects!—as the French say; and that those +<i lang="fr">objets</i> should have been transmitted to him +from the “attic” of “The Three Mackerels,” +where he “had slept the night before!”</p> + +<p>But the worst was not yet over:—what was +he to do with the cap and comb, now that he +had gotten them?—for he had, almost unconsciously, +taken them into his possession:—Throw +them away he could not; deny them he +dare not,—for, upon the edge of the cap, the +letters B, R, A, G, were marked in red silk +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_76">[Pg 76]</span>capitals. Must he “quit the gay throng,” and +carry them himself up to his present dormitory?—or +must he spread the history of the affair +still more, by handing them over to a waiter or +a chambermaid to deposit them there for him?</p> + +<p>The laughter which this incident provoked it +was impossible for the spectators entirely to +conceal; and the fact that it elicited, as to the +“<em>venue</em>” of Jack’s last night’s lodging, did not +at all decrease Lord Tom’s suspicions that his +friend was habitually disposed to justify his +possession of the name in which he rejoiced.</p> + +<p>Brag thought, and thought wisely, that the +best thing he could do was to, what he called +“cut and run;” and so if he could not check +the mirth which the exposure of his weakness +had excited, he might at all events escape the +misery of hearing it ringing in peals round his +devoted head; accordingly, grasping the nightcap +and comb, and devoutly wishing both of +them midway between Calais and Dover, or +anywhere else in the world but where they +were, he bounded up stairs to his newly-acquired +apartment.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_77">[Pg 77]</span></p> + +<p>Had so miserable an animal as a punster +been present at Brag’s sudden departure, there +would have doubtlessly been sundry criminalities +committed in the way of quibbles, about +Brag’s being armed <span lang="fr"><em>cap</em>-a-pied</span> but not <span lang="fr"><em>comb</em>-il-faut</span>, +or some such nonsense; luckily, however, +the audience and spectators were well-bred, +well-dressed gentlemen, and disdained a +joke with as much sovereign contempt as if they +could have made one themselves. They looked +at each other; those with moustachios twisted +their whiskers—those with none, rubbed their +foreheads; and all of them turned involuntarily +to Lord Tom, as the sun of the sunflowers, +in hopes of ascertaining who the little +gentleman in the white cords was, who had just +run up stairs with part of his bed-room furniture +from the sign of “The Three Mackerels.”</p> + +<p>Lord Tom was a man of the world, as the +reader may naturally believe: by his manner +he repudiated any intimate acquaintance with +Jack; proclaimed him an excellent rider, light +weight, and up to any hounds; and further +announced his intention of taking him over +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_78">[Pg 78]</span>to Paris, to “astonish the natives” in the +Champ de Mars by carrying off all the prizes +at the races on the following Sunday, to the +infinite dismay of the sporting world of that +lively city. His lordship accompanied this +account of his obsequious friend with an indescribable +look, which left his lordship entirely +exonerated from any responsibility on +the score of his manners or habits, and gave +a tone to the character of the <i lang="fr">liaison</i> between +them, in the smallest degree flattering to the +vulgar coxcomb who had recently escaped.</p> + +<p>When the hour of dressing for dinner approached, +Brag “showed” again—the coast +was then clear; but Lord Tom, if he had not +very much desired to benefit himself by Jack’s +only available accomplishment on the turf, and +had not moreover felt conscious of the “debt +of honour, which must be paid,” would most +gladly have either persuaded him not to accompany +him to General Gunnersbury’s, or to permit +him to send an excuse on account of a +sudden attack of spasms—a raging tooth-ache—or +any other of those “ills which flesh is +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_79">[Pg 79]</span>heir to,” and which, as Dr. Short told Mr. +Brown in India, make no external show; but +Jack would not give his lordship the slightest +chance or opportunity to get off the engagement.</p> + +<p>It was just as the clock was striking seven +that Lord Tom and his squire proceeded on foot, +enveloped in cloaks to screen themselves from +the effects of a regular gale of wind across the +bridge, and pursued their way along the coast, +making first for Mrs. Dutsell’s baths, and thence +taking a fresh departure for the great bombardier’s +hospitable mansion on the Parade—a perfect +silence having been observed by both parties +as to the episode of the cap and comb, +any reference to which, Lord Tom knew would +be unpleasant to his companion, and the particulars +of which he thought it most judicious +not to touch upon, since, as the reader knows, +his lordship meant to make use of Jack on the +race-course.</p> + +<p>When the visiters entered the drawing-room, +Lord Tom was horror-struck and Jack delighted +at finding a large party already assembled, +amongst whom were several people whom he +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_80">[Pg 80]</span>knew, and some few whom he did not know; +however, the body consisted of not less than +fourteen persons, who were destined to be crammed +into a dining parlour, licensed, by size, +not to carry more than ten inside.</p> + +<p>Jack was presented to Lady Gunnersbury, +who did not hear his name, and subsequently +to the two young ladies—young by courtesy—upon +whom Jack, very shortly after the performance +of the ceremony of introduction, began +to play off some of his most insinuating +tricks. The way in which the tall, gaunt +damsels looked at him, most forcibly reminded +Lord Tom, who was watching his progress, of the +regards of mingled curiosity and surprise with +which the Brobdignagian virgins considered +Gulliver; Jack, however, nothing daunted, went +off at score; and during the dreadful quarter +of an hour before dinner, when the company +were as cold and as stiff as wax-work, Jack’s +voice was specially audible. When, however, +dinner was announced, the unfortunate interference +of precedence with pleasure threw him +out, and he found himself last, and “least,” +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_81">[Pg 81]</span>except young Gunnersbury, to quit the drawing-room, +the fair ladies of the party being appropriated +to persons having ascertainable rank, +and <em>he</em> left next what he called the “crowpee,” +with the back of his head exposed not only to +the draughts of wind from the sea, which found +their way through the hall, but to certain +thumps and bumps of the door of the room itself, +whenever it was necessary to open or shut it.</p> + +<p>The “crowpee” was, of course, young Gunnersbury; +and Jack’s left-hand neighbour was a German +baron, who spoke no English. The heir of +the house was particularly fine; and even if he +condescended to notice any of the stray guests +whom his father was in the habit of inviting, +while they were actually at table, made a point +of cutting them dead, if he met them anywhere +else the next day. He took an inveterate +aversion at first sight, from Jack and his curls +and studs, and never deigned even to look at, +much less to speak to him, throughout the rest +of the dinner: Jack’s position was therefore +not particularly enviable.</p> + +<p>To describe accurately Lady Gunnersbury’s +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_82">[Pg 82]</span>character and conversation is, I apprehend, +beyond the reach of pen. The old lady, who +neither looked, nor, it is to be presumed, felt +old, lived in a state of perpetual anxiety to +talk to everybody near and about her, upon +every subject which they might be discussing, +being at the same time most punctiliously, or +rather pesteringly, civil and attentive to her +guests, especially at dinner. This assiduity +was derived from the age and mode in which +she had been educated; and her evident anxiety +to talk with everybody about everything +arose from the circumstance of her having once +been deaf for several years together, of which +infirmity, Time, or some successful aurist, had +cured her. It was her desire to show not only +that she was no longer deaf, but that she +could hear half a dozen things at once, and +reply to them all, that produced an effect of +which I despair of being able to convey even +a faint idea.</p> + +<p>On the right hand of her ladyship, who assumed +the head of the table, sat the Earl of +Dullingham; on the left, Lord Tom, next to +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_83">[Pg 83]</span>whom the Countess was placed, on the right +hand of Sir James Gunnersbury, on whose left +was Mrs. Carnaby; next to her was seated a +Mr. Paddle, and between him and the “crowpee” +Mr. Carnaby. Next the earl, on the other +side of the table, was the elder Miss Gunnersbury; +and between her and her sister Sir +Henry Rockly. Next to the younger miss was +deposited the German baron; and between the +baron and the “crowpee,” Brag.</p> + +<p>Seated and settled, and the soup discussed, +the conversation became general, but not universal. +The neighbours who were acquainted with +each other began to chat; the Earl and Maria—the +Countess and Sir James—Lady Gunnersbury +and Lord Tom—Rockly and Eliza—Paddle +and Mrs. Carnaby—Carnaby and young Gunnersbury;—but +Brag and the Baron were basketed. +Had Brag been placed next either of +the girls, he flattered himself, from the play he +had made up-stairs, and the way in which his +little attentions had been received, that he should +have got on remarkably well, and no mistake; +but being hedged in between two men, one of +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_84">[Pg 84]</span>whom could not, and the other of whom would +not, speak, was anything but smack smooth, +straight up and right down, in his opinion.</p> + +<p>When the Babel-like noise of the jovial +party was at its height, Lady Gunnersbury +began to be in her glory: in every dialogue +she must have a word—in every tête-à-tête +discussion an interference; and in something +like this fashion did she continue one incessant +gabble of confusion, such as could not +well have been worse confounded.</p> + +<p>“My dear Lord, take some of these cutlets.—I +think so, Mrs. Carnaby; always said she +was beautiful; dresses so well.—Done with sauce +<i lang="fr">à la Soubise</i>.—I’m glad you like Dover, Lord +Thomas; the pier is so charming—so fine +and clear in a morning-walk.—Looks so well +in that pretty pink bonnet, Mrs. Carnaby.—Thank +you, I’ll take the sweet: limit myself to +two glasses at dinner.—Capital invention,—four +thousand gallons in a minute!—Very +full, just now.—Maria, what will you have, +dear?—you eat nothing.—Wonderful accumulation +of shingle.—As you say, Sir Henry, +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_85">[Pg 85]</span>what a man Shakespeare was!—dear, dear!—quite +a wonder rising in that dark age.—Striped +red and white, was it, Mr. Paddle?—I +love balloons.—Sir Walter Raleigh wrote +it, my lord: I heard you ask Maria. I forget +how many plays he wrote—fifty-two, I think. +What a shocking thing to cut his head off, +my lord, after all that time—wasn’t it?—A +blue body with red wheels—I heard you tell +Sir James about the coach.—So superior to +any writer of his time.—With morocco squabs.—A +little bread-sauce, if you please.—From +Lord Mackdaudle’s place in Scotland; always +sends us plenty.—Tremendous sight the parachute, +as you say.—Come in boxes once a week. +I don’t think it quite so good as his last.—I +heard your opinion of Captain Marryat’s book; +one of our very best writers.—Meyer and Miller +make for Sir James: you were asking my son, +Mr. Carnaby, about shoemaking.—In three volumes, +with plates—And a little of the <i lang="fr">fondu</i>.—We +get it from the library.—Eliza, dear, Mr. +Paddle wishes to drink wine with you. Different +place this from Paris, Mr. Paddle.—With a shifting +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_86">[Pg 86]</span>rumble, Sir James, if you please.—Won’t +Baron Bumbeltronden take <i lang="fr">fondu</i>? You speak +German, Eliza, ask the baron; I don’t: I am no +great linguist. I am very much of the opinion +that one tongue is sufficient for one woman.”</p> + +<p>“Especially, my dear,” said Sir James, +“if, like Dr. Johnson’s memorable sheep’s tail, +it be long enough.”</p> + +<p>Under the heavy fire of my lady’s eloquence, +the dinner proceeded as dinners usually do. +Jack had not opened his lips, except to put +the viands and wines of his gallant host into +his mouth; and although Lord Tom supported +him by asking him to drink wine with him, +young Gunnersbury devoted himself entirely +to Carnaby, to whom, when he did speak, he +spoke in an under-tone, keeping, as it were, +aloof from all the guests excepting the Earl +and Countess, to whom he was obsequiously +polite, and Sir Henry Rockly, to whom he was +remarkably civil. Sir James, however, called +upon Jack to do him a similar favour to that +which he had done Lord Tom; but in inviting +him to the social intercourse, he unfortunately +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_87">[Pg 87]</span>called him Mr. Bag, instead of Brag, which +excited some attention, caused a slight whispering, +and excited a few titterings.</p> + +<p>There is always in women a goodness of +feeling towards those whom they imagine to +be ill at ease with themselves; a kind of pity +certainly not akin to love, but which shows +itself in an anxiety to “make things agreeable.” +This sort of sentiment both the young +ladies entertained towards Brag: they saw how +perfectly uncomfortable he was, and Eliza, +who was nearer to him than her sister, after +ineffectually telegraphing her brother to be +civil to the stranger, put herself sufficiently +forward to afford him a gracious look, which +encouraged him to suggest a glass of champagne. +Had he seen the expression of young +Gunnersbury’s countenance while this ceremony +was in progress, it would have turned +his Silleri into prussic acid: the frown he +bestowed upon his sister the first time their +eyes met after it was over, even more distinctly +marked his high mightiness’s entire disapproval +of the whole proceeding.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_88">[Pg 88]</span></p> + +<p>According to Brag’s calculation, they had +sat at least five hours after dinner before Lady +Gunnersbury, whose incessant volubility it +would be impossible to follow, at least with +any chance of catching it, until at length +that exemplary lady at once delighted and +astounded him by announcing the retreat of +the ladies.</p> + +<p>“Dear Lady Dullingham, I am ready,” said +the hostess. “<em>I</em> see, Sir James; hate the custom +nevertheless—separating after dinner.—I hear +you, Sir Henry: with a band of music and a cold +collation, I agree; but in England.—Oh, fie! +Mr. Paddle, that is really ungallant—unlike +you.—In a barge by moonlight; don’t do so +in Paris, Sir Henry.—What Eliza says is +quite right; but such a bad singer: however, +we must bow to custom, Lady Dullingham.—I +quite agree with you, Mrs. Carnaby, about +the bull-fights.—Isn’t it quite extraordinary?—Prejudice +and custom, as you say.—Lights up-stairs.—With +the matadores and picadores, and—The +omelette soufflée, Sir Henry, I know.—Delicate +creatures, indeed!—handfuls of nuts +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_89">[Pg 89]</span>to throw the men down.—Very extraordinary.—At +Tortoni’s, Hardy’s, or anywhere else, +all the same.—Entirely steam.—Very fine +sight, I dare say—two hundred horse power.—The +meat, I believe, is given to the poor.—The +“Nel più” is the only thing she does decently +well.—I differ with you still about the +omelette.—Dragged away by horses.—Dear +George, do ring the bell.”</p> + +<p>The last words were music to Jack’s ears; +and they were followed, in less than five minutes, +by the adjournment of the “females,” +Lady Gunnersbury stopping kindly to hope +that he had not felt any draught of air from +the door during dinner,—an act of civility +and courtesy which her son, by his look, deemed +entirely superfluous, but which induced Sir +James, the moment the ladies were gone, to +insist upon Brag’s closing up on his side, in +order to rescue him from the taciturnity of the +baron, and the studied coldness of his son.</p> + +<p>Lord Tom, in the plenitude of his good-nature, +seeing Brag so unusually nervous and +depressed, became anxious to put him at his +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_90">[Pg 90]</span>ease, and bring him out; besides which, he +felt in some sort offended by the supercilious +manner which Mr. Gunnersbury had thought +proper to adopt towards a guest of his father’s, +whom he knew to be a friend of his. His lordship +therefore gave Brag an “excellent character” +in a whisper to Sir James, and, above +all, lauded his judgment in horseflesh and his +skill in equitation, to which he was the more +readily inclined because his praises upon that +point were really well-merited, and because +the noble and taciturn Earl of Dullingham, +who sat on the opposite side of the table, had +been, in his day, a great sporting man, and +who, although now declined into the vale of +years, and retired from “the turf,” still, as +the old coachman loves the crack of the whip, +entered with more interest into conversations +touching such matters than any other.</p> + +<p>“It strikes me,” said Sir James, “that +our Government ought in some way to interfere +in order to prevent the exportation of our +best English horses, the effect of which must +eventually be, not only the improvement of +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_91">[Pg 91]</span>the breed in countries which, however peaceable +the world looks just now, must and will, +in the course of time, be at war with us, but +the deprival of the English cavalry of their +acknowledged superiority in cattle, at all events, +over our enemies.”</p> + +<p>“If I had <em>my</em> way,” said Brag, encouraged +by the deference with which Sir James addressed +this observation specially to him, “not +a nag should go abroad—no, not at any price. +I have been over and over again offered lumps +of money for some of my hunters to go to +France and Germany, and the deuce knows +where. No, says I, not a bit of it: I’m +English from top to toe—straight up, right +down, and no mistake. I’ll be no party to +mending the foreign breed, let what may happen.”</p> + +<p>The German baron coughed, and young +Gunnersbury silently expressed his astonishment +at the burst which his father’s injudicious +patronage of the stranger had occasioned.</p> + +<p>“You are a true sportsman, sir,” said Lord +Dullingham, gravely taking a pinch of snuff.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_92">[Pg 92]</span></p> + +<p>“And,” said Lord Tom, “as good a rider +as you’ll see from Totness to Newcastle.”</p> + +<p>“I do flatter myself,” said Jack, “I can +come it strong in that line”—(Here Sir Henry +Rockly exchanged a look with Carnaby)—“and +no mistake. Lord Tom knows what +I’m up to. In one week I’ve hunted five +times, rode two trotting matches, and three +steeple chases, picked up a hundred stones with +my mouth in fifty-five minutes, and killed two +hundred and nineteen brace of partridges.”</p> + +<p>“With a long bow,” said somebody, loud +enough to be heard by everybody except Jack +himself, who was now on his hobby.</p> + +<p>“I stick at nothing in that way,” said Brag—“do +I, my lord?”—looking at Lord Tom. +“Many a time I’ve gone after hounds for twenty +minutes, as blind as a bat, as wet as a rat, +and as sick as a cat, with the skin of my leg +rasped up by the top of a grower from my shin +to my knee, and only brought to my senses +then by bumping my head right against that +of my horse, for all the world like a flash of +lightning, that loosened all my teeth in their +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_93">[Pg 93]</span>sockets. That’s what I call going across a +country, and no mistake. I’d have backed +my “Tantrum” against anything of his age +and inches that ever switched rasper. Jem +Jiggins had the handling of him for some time, +and a queer one he was, at first; but they as +begins rum, turns out generally well in the +end. One day, however, sold him:—run three +foxes, one after another, right on end, seventy-two +miles and a half in all!—he was done:—got +my money for him though, after that. Had +him painted; the picture is now at a little place +I have in Surrey, with me on his back, topping +a flight of rails, just alongside of “Fly-away +Dick,” with portraits of two or three Melton +men in the distance—eh!—that’s good.”</p> + +<p>This sudden dash out of his super-incumbent +despair, and the way in which he helped +himself to the veteran bombardier’s port-wine, +in preference to claret, convinced Lord Tom +that he was determined to rally against the +tyrannical treatment which he had received +from the young squire.</p> + +<p>“Have you hunted much in Dorsetshire, +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_94">[Pg 94]</span>sir?” said the earl; “if you have not, I should +think the Vale of Blackmore would give you +some opportunities of showing your skill +amongst the drains: half the fences are double, +and the ditches wide and deep.”</p> + +<p>“No, my lord,” said Brag, “I’ve never +seen much of that country, but shouldn’t care +if I did. I’ve heard of it, and all the history +of Oliver’s blind mare; but folks <em>do</em> stretch +sometimes. There’s a story of a Lord Penfeather, +or some such chap, which he used to +tell of himself—of taking a double fence and +a double ditch, and afterwards clearing a Dorchester +doctor, horse and all, who had grounded +on the top of his nob just outside a drain +beyond <em>that</em>:—that’s what I call going it. +However, nobody’s alive that saw it, so we +have it all upon my lord’s word, and that’s +not much of a go, I take it.”</p> + +<p>A sudden death-like silence ensued, interrupted +only by a few hems from Sir James +Gunnersbury and Sir Henry Rockly, a look +of dismay from Lord Tom, and a simper of exultation +from the young squire. The pause +did not last long; everybody appeared astonished, +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_95">[Pg 95]</span>but nobody more than Jack. The +silence was at last broken.</p> + +<p>“I assure you, sir,” said Lord Dullingham, +in the most solemn manner, “the story is true—the +doctor’s name was Flapps. He indeed is +dead, but there are others who saw it done, +still living.”</p> + +<p>“Oh,” said Brag, still unenlightened, “I +don’t know—but I <em>do</em> know a great many of +Lord Penfeather’s friends who say ‘no go.’ If +your lordship saw it, why, in that case, it’s all +right, and no mistake; but from what they say +of the chap himself who said he did it, why—”</p> + +<p>“I did it myself, sir!” said the earl, more +energetically than he usually said anything, +drawing himself up into an erect position, +looking pitchforks and tenter-hooks at Brag, +and taking a pinch of snuff with all the dignity +of the old school.</p> + +<p>“That <em>is</em> Lord Penfeather,” said Lord Tom, +wishing to bring the affair to a speedy conclusion; +“at least he was so, when he took +the extraordinary leap in question.”</p> + +<p>“Oh!” said Brag, turning as white as a +sheet—“Ah!—yes, my lord—I—”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_96">[Pg 96]</span></p> + +<p>At this most critical minute, when acted upon +by various and very different feelings, every +gentleman present most anxiously expected a +<i lang="fr">denouement</i>, the butler, an old and valued +servant of Sir James, made his appearance +to announce coffee in the drawing-room, and +being privileged, by long service, to use a certain +degree of familiarity with his master, added, +in an audible whisper to that exemplary +officer—“There’s a large brig come ashore +at the back of the pier, Sir James: it’s blowing +terrible hard—and they are afraid she’ll +be totally lost.”</p> + +<p>“Brig ashore!” cried Brag, most unceremoniously +availing himself of a communication +not made to him, and at the same moment +jumping up—“I’m off, Sir James; excuse +me—I <em>may</em> be of use:—swim like an otter. +Swam all the way from Oxford to London +in nineteen hours without stopping. Have +saved nine lives already: got three medals +from the Humane Society: don’t value the +surf of a sixpence. I’ll bet fifty to four +I’m on board that brig in ten minutes +from leaving your house—back in less than +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_97">[Pg 97]</span>an hour. I know you’ll excuse me:—don’t +you think I’m right—eh? Humanity—philanthropy—and +all that—straight up, right +down, and no mistake. Be with you again +almost directly.”</p> + +<p>Saying which, and without waiting for an answer, +away Jack bustled, leaving his astonished +companions in amazement; Lord Tom, however, +not a little annoyed that he should, in +the end, have so far justified young Gunnersbury’s +<i lang="fr">hauteur</i> in the beginning.</p> + +<p>The earl bore the imputation of exaggerating +his leap with perfect good-humour, and explained +to the rest of the party his own astonishment +at the occurrence; but Lord Tom, +beaten by the event, declined going up-stairs, +upon the plea of endeavouring to prevent his +friend from rashly endangering his life; and +when the other guests repaired to the drawing-room, +he hastened to the beach, where, truly +indeed, the sea was breaking over the ill-fated +vessel, which kept striking so awfully and so +frequently, as to leave little hope of her extrication. +He could, however, learn no tidings +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_98">[Pg 98]</span>of Brag. It was quite true, however, that a +venturous gentleman had been seen swimming +with a rope through the surf, and had succeeded +in rescuing two ladies—but he was gone; +and so, after an hour’s fruitless search for his +intrepid friend, Lord Tom proceeded to “The +Ship,” where he found that Mr. Brag, after +having read the day’s London paper, and +drunk two glasses of hot brandy and water, had +gone to bed, and had been, at the time of his +lordship’s arrival, more than an hour snug in +his “nest.”</p> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> +<div class="chapter"> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_99">[Pg 99]</span></p> + + + <h2 class="nobreak" id="CHAPTER_III"> + CHAPTER III. + </h2> +</div> + + +<p>“Rather put your foot into it last night, +Jack,” said Lord Tom to the tiger when they +met at breakfast.</p> + +<p>“R-ā-ther,” said Jack. “How the deuce +should I know that that greyheaded gig was +the chap who took the flying-leap in the Vale +of Blackmore half a century ago?”</p> + +<p>“You got off deuced well,” said Lord Tom; +“for although Dullingham is too old to fight, +there might have been a bother if it had not +been for the brig.”</p> + +<p>“Never saw a finer sight!” said Jack, +“Told you I’d soon be aboard: the minute I +got down, saw two females waving white handkerchiefs—signals +of distress: off I went—caught +hold of the rope—clung like a cat—splash +through the surf—up the side—seized +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_100">[Pg 100]</span>hold of them, held on by my teeth, and slipped +along the hawser: put one girl under each +arm, for all the world like a fowl with the gizzard +under one wing and the liver under the +other, and landed them in less than a quarter +of an hour, safe and sound, smack, smooth, and +no mistake.”</p> + +<p>“Their gratitude, I suppose, was unbounded,” +said Lord Tom, whose doubts of his +friend’s strict adherence to truth began hourly +to increase.</p> + +<p>“Gratitude!” said Jack—“they are females;—when +did you ever hear of an ungrateful +female?”</p> + +<p>“Did you make yourself known to them?” +said Lord Tom.</p> + +<p>“Not I,” said Jack—“leave that for to-day. +I hate boasting and puffing: if I had said who +I was, the chances are, it would have been stuck +in the newspapers. I can’t stand notoriety: +don’t mind it in my own line—sporting, and all +that sort of thing; but else, all quiet and snug—mum’s +the word, and no mistake.”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_101">[Pg 101]</span></p> + +<p>“I admire your modesty,” said Lord Tom; +“and your coming home here and going quietly +to bed, without saying a syllable of the matter +to the master of the house, or any of the +waiters, shows your desire to be unknown and +unnoticed. Didn’t they see the condition in +which you were when you came back?”</p> + +<p>“Condition!” said Jack—“I was in no +condition.”</p> + +<p>“Not wet?” said Lord Tom.</p> + +<p>“On the contrary,” said Jack, “I was uncommon +dry. Sir Gunnersbury’s port was +what I call regular black-strap—Day and Martin—eh!—and +no mistake.”</p> + +<p>“Why didn’t you drink his claret?” said +Lord Tom.</p> + +<p>“Red pickled-cabbage juice bottled,” said +Jack:—“no—I had two glasses of hot ‘with’ +when I came home, and then turned in.”</p> + +<p>“But did you sit in your wet clothes?” said +Lord Tom.</p> + +<p>“Wet clothes!” said Jack. “Oh!—wet +clothes—eh!—oh! in getting aboard the brig:—pshaw! +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_102">[Pg 102]</span>my dear lord—nothing—a mere flea-bite—salt +water never gives cold—I blew myself +dry, running home.”</p> + +<p>“Pleasant, gentlemanly man, young Gunnersbury,” +said Lord Tom, swallowing the explanation +without any apparent effort.</p> + +<p>“I never sighted such a fellow in the whole +course of my run,” said Jack. “You saw how I +treated him—cut him dead—never so much as +looked at him after the first glance: no—life’s +too short to waste upon such a scarecrow as +that. Eliza’s not bad—has eyes, eh!—and +knows how to use them. Mother’s a droll +woman.”</p> + +<p>“Droll!—a polyglot,” said Lord Tom.</p> + +<p>“Oh! her name was Glot?” said Jack:—“rather +old to be called Polly now. That +Mrs. Carnaby looks lively, I take it. <em>She</em> has +eyes too, and <em>she</em> knows how to use them. +Carnaby seems a steady, respectable sort of +man; I suppose, it wouldn’t be straight up and +right down to disturb his domestic happiness,—else, +my lord——eh! I say nothing—only——I +know the sex, and no mistake.”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_103">[Pg 103]</span></p> + +<p>“I know nothing of either of them,” said +Lord Tom. “We must call on the Gunnersburys, +however, to-day.”</p> + +<p>“When we are sure they are out,” said +Jack, who had scarcely uttered the words before +he astonished Lord Tom by thrusting his +head out of the window, and exclaiming—“By +Job! it <em>is</em>, and no mistake!”</p> + +<p>“Who?—what?” cried his lordship, half +frightened at the energetic manner of his companion.</p> + +<p>“George Brown,” replied Jack: “if ever I +saw George Brown in my life, he has just this +minute gone out of this house with another +gentleman.”</p> + +<p>“And who is George Brown?” said Lord +Tom; “and where’s the wonder?”</p> + +<p>“Wonder enough, my lord,” said Jack, “if +you knew all: why, he is the major you have +heard me talk of so often.”</p> + +<p>“Oh!” said Lord Tom, “the brother of +your deserted damsel?—hadn’t you better +brush up your pistols, and make your will.”</p> + +<p>“No, no,” said Jack, “not exactly that; +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_104">[Pg 104]</span>but I’ll just ask the question. I know I can’t +be deceived in my man, although he looks older +and browner than he did when I saw him last.” +Saying which, he rang the bell.</p> + +<p>Of the waiter who obeyed the summons he +made his inquiries, and found, according to his +anticipation, that it <em>was</em> the identical George +Brown himself. In a moment Jack, who had +always hitherto slurred over his connexion with +this said George in his communings with Lord +Tom, being convinced by the waiter’s account +that he had by some means become rich and +prosperous, immediately altered his tone.</p> + +<p>“Mr. Brown and his lady are going off to-morrow +for Calais,” said the man. “They +would have gone to-day, but they were too late +to get their carriages on board.”</p> + +<p>“Is Mrs. Brown here?” said Jack.</p> + +<p>“Yes, sir,” said the man; and being asked +no more questions, retired.</p> + +<p>“That’s a lucky chance,” said Jack. “I’ll +go to her this moment—find out all, how, and +about it: can’t make it out just yet.”</p> + +<p>“What! do you know the lady?” said Lord +Tom.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_105">[Pg 105]</span></p> + +<p>“Know her!” said Jack; “shouldn’t wonder: +why, she’s my sister, that’s all.”</p> + +<p>“Your sister!” said his lordship; “I +never understood you that the major was your +brother-in-law. You always said that he was +a distant connexion.”</p> + +<p>“So he was,” said Jack, “when he was in +India; he is nearer now. So up I go, smack +smooth, and no mistake. Come along, my +lord, I’ll introduce you to Kitty; it will be a +regular surprise upon her; and when George +comes back he’ll stare like a stuck pig. I like +a surprise.”</p> + +<p>“I’m your man,” said Lord Tom. “I +shall enjoy the sight of your meeting.”</p> + +<p>“Here, waiter,” said Jack; “which room +is Mrs. Brown in?”</p> + +<p>“That room, sir,” said the waiter. “Do +you wish to—”</p> + +<p>“No, no,” said Brag, in a half whisper; +“don’t say anything—I’m her brother. Want to +astonish her; she don’t know I’m here: haven’t +seen her for years. Hush!—now, my lord—” +At this period of his conversation, the dexterous +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_106">[Pg 106]</span>gentleman gently opened the door, and +stepping softly up to the lady, exclaimed in a +voice sweet as the music of the spheres—“Kitty!—I +say, Kitty, my Kit!”</p> + +<p>The noise roused the lady, who was sitting +with her back to the door, reading: she turned +round, started from her seat, and presented to +the eyes of the astonished Jack, and his much-mystified +companion, a beautiful countenance, +in which an expression of alarm and surprise +was predominant, but which, as the reader +has, no doubt, anticipated, was not that of the +<i lang="fr">ci-devant</i> Kitty Brag.</p> + +<p>The group were at what Sheridan, in “The +Critic,” calls a “dead lock.”</p> + +<p>“Why, it isn’t Kitty!” said Jack.</p> + +<p>“I believe there is some mistake,” said Mrs. +Brown, at the same moment extending her +hand towards the bell-rope.</p> + +<p>“Your name is Brown, ma’am, isn’t it?” +said Jack.</p> + +<p>“It is,” said the lady.</p> + +<p>“Wife of George Brown, from India?” said +Jack.</p> + +<p>“Yes, sir.”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_107">[Pg 107]</span></p> + +<p>“Can’t make it out,” said Jack.</p> + +<p>“If you have any commands for Mr. Brown, +sir,” said the lady, “he will be here in a few +minutes.”</p> + +<p>“You had better return <em>then</em>,” said Lord +Tom, who saw that his expert friend had somehow +got into a new scrape, and that the lady +was extremely desirous of getting rid of his +society.</p> + +<p>“It’s all right, by Job!” said Jack; “there’s +some kink or caddle somewhere, but in the +main it’s all straight up, right down, and no +mistake,—for here’s Nancy, as nice as Nip.”</p> + +<p>These words were uttered, accompanied with +a caper such as would not have disgraced +a dancing-master, and followed by a scream +of horror from Anne, who at that moment +entered the room, and who, as Jack advanced +to take her hand, fell senseless into a chair.</p> + +<p>The changes which had taken place in Jack’s +views and intentions during a shorter period +than the relation of this event requires, were +most particularly characteristic. That Brown +was Brown, browner than he was, Jack was +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_108">[Pg 108]</span>convinced; that his wife was not Kitty at +once pointed out to him that his sister must +be dead, and that George had remarried: hence, +like lightning, it darted into his mind that +it must have been through <em>her</em> that he had +acquired the means of living as it too manifestly +appeared he did; inasmuch as, besides the +waiter’s previous representation of the difficulty +of “embarking the carriages,” the sudden appearance +of a valet, two lady’s maids, and a +strapping livery servant, jacketed, topped, and +leathered for travelling, who rushed into the +apartment at the tintinnabulary summons of +Mrs. Brown, confirmed him in the opinion +that his now readily acknowledged brother-in-law +had become wealthy, and consequently important, +and was therefore much to be cherished +and toadied.</p> + +<p>These momentarily excited feelings were, as +it were, electrically driven into another channel +the instant he beheld Anne Brown. There she +was,—she who had confessed her affection for +him,—the sister of the rich and prosperous +George, now, in his own opinion, a suitable +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_109">[Pg 109]</span>match for him: and in less than a second more +he had resolved that the meek, the mild, the +modest unoffending creature whom he had neglected, +slighted, and traduced for years, should +still be his; and that they would somehow, in +the end, make a snug family circle, all right, +and no mistake.</p> + +<p>“What on earth does all this mean?” said +a gentleman entering the room in the midst of +the confusion:—“what has happened?”</p> + +<p>By this time Anne had been led, or rather +carried, from the sitting-room by Mrs. Brown +and her maid. For a moment the last-arrived +gentleman was absent, and the two intruders +were left alone in the apartment.</p> + +<p>“Missed your tip, somehow, Jack,” said +Lord Tom.</p> + +<p>“All right in the end,” said Jack. “Don’t +you remember our little friend in Regent +Street?—that’s Nancy.”</p> + +<p>“Oh!” said my lord, looking uncommonly +wise.</p> + +<p>“Exactly so,” said Jack, looking particularly +cunning.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_110">[Pg 110]</span></p> + +<p>“Gentlemen,” said the stranger, re-entering +the room, “I am yet to learn the cause of your +abrupt visit to these apartments.”</p> + +<p>“It’s all right,” said Jack—“all fair and +above board. George Brown married my sister—that’s +the mistake. This lady is not my +sister—that’s clear as light. I never heard of +poor Kitty’s death!—but she’s gone, no doubt, +and George will tell us all about it. But +George has a sister too: Nancy;—and if I +flurried her at first seeing me after so long a +parting, I’m deuced sorry for that. However, +it’s all natural: and so I’ll call in by-and-by, +when George comes back. Sunshine after rain, +and no mistake. This, sir, is my friend, Lord +Thomas Towzle—so that’s all right.”</p> + +<p>“I believe,” said the gentleman, “if you +are the brother of the former Mrs. Brown, I +have heard your name mentioned as a very +particular friend of Mr. Brown’s sister.”</p> + +<p>“R-ā-ther so,” said Jack, “but circumstances +occurred to keep us apart. Never had +but one feeling towards her—I believe it is +what you call reciprocal; and I am deuced +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_111">[Pg 111]</span>sorry I took her so aback: however, by-and-by, +as I say——”</p> + +<p>“Sir,” said the gentleman, “what course +Mr. Brown may choose to pursue towards you +I am at a loss to conjecture; but with respect +to his sister, it becomes <em>my</em> duty to act for +myself—I am her husband, sir: although I assumed +that character only three days since, it +is my province to protect her from insult and +alarm. Permit me to say, sir, that your absence +is what we all most particularly desire: +indeed, that we should have been favoured by +your presence did not enter into our calculations, +although we were accidentally made +aware of your residence in this house shortly +after our arrival.”</p> + +<p>“Married to <em>my</em> Nancy!” said Jack; “oh, +that <em>is</em> a go!”</p> + +<p>“Yes, sir,” said Dr. Mead, for it was he +who spoke; “and not married to her, until, in +the candour and ingenuousness of her heart and +mind, she had informed me of all the circumstances +of your early acquaintance;—nay, +more, sir, of the preference for you which +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_112">[Pg 112]</span>she at that time acknowledged. If you will +take the trouble to cast a retrospective glance +over your conduct during a period when you +might have properly evinced the sincerity of +your professions—and the total neglect of a +being whom you fancied your victim, you will +perhaps perceive through the gloom a glimmering +of light sufficient to show you the indelicacy +and impropriety of your remaining one +minute longer in this room.”</p> + +<p>“What! did she tell you <em>all</em>?” said Jack, +quite at sea, and scarcely knowing what he +said.</p> + +<p>“All, sir,” said the doctor; “but perhaps +not <em>quite</em> all that you have permitted your +licentious tongue to utter.”</p> + +<p>“I—sir—I?” said Jack.</p> + +<p>“Come,” said Lord Tom, “you had better +come away.”</p> + +<p>“But my sister—” said Jack.</p> + +<p>“Delicacy, sir,” said Dr. Mead, “seals my +lips with regard to that unfortunate person. +She is in her grave, to which she was borne, +unfollowed by an injured, outraged husband. +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_113">[Pg 113]</span>It is fit you should know this; and it is fortunate +that the duty of telling you the bitter +truth devolves rather upon <em>me</em> than on my +brother-in-law himself.”</p> + +<p>“By Job!” said Jack, scratching his head.</p> + +<p>“Indeed, I would venture to suggest your +retiring,” said the doctor, “before his return +from his walk. His affection for his mother +and sister is ardent and strong; and if he +found you here, something perhaps might +occur which, for all our sakes, had better be +avoided.”</p> + +<p>“Oh,” said Jack, “in course I’ll not stop a +minute—no:—as you say, there’s no use in +that kind of thing. It is all very surprising, +and particularly unpleasant: but you, sir, are a +gentleman, and act as such; not that I have +the pleasure of knowing your name, but——”</p> + +<p>“My name is Mead,” said the doctor; “and +I feel the greatest satisfaction in announcing it +to you, in order that you may be good enough +for the future to avoid any communication +with the humble individual who bears it. I +wish you a very good morning, sir!”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_114">[Pg 114]</span></p> + +<p>“Good morning, sir!” said Jack. “I certainly +should have liked to shake hands with +Anne.”</p> + +<p>“I assure you, sir, she is not well enough +to risk any further interview,” said the doctor.</p> + +<p>“Well then, in course there’s an end,” +said Jack. “Come, my lord—we’ll go. Good +morning, sir!”</p> + +<p>Saying which, infallible Jack crawled out of +the room, followed by Lord Tom, who made a +slight bow to the doctor.</p> + +<p>“Hadn’t we better go down the back-stairs,” +said Jack; “it’s no use running the risk of +meeting that fellow, Brown: one can’t fight a +serjeant.”</p> + +<p>“Fight whom?” said Lord Tom.</p> + +<p>“Why,” said Jack, “he never was anything +but a serjeant.”</p> + +<p>“What!—learned in the law?” said his +lordship.</p> + +<p>“Club law, if any,” said Jack. “No—a +serjeant in a marching regiment.”</p> + +<p>“Why, I thought you told me he was a +major in the army!” said Lord Tom.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_115">[Pg 115]</span></p> + +<p>“So he was—serjeant-major,” said Jack, +who, the moment he found himself despised +and kicked out of his brother-in-law’s society, +suddenly changed his ground, and tried to run +down the man and his connexions whom, ten +minutes before, he was ready to eulogize to the +skies.</p> + +<p>“I should like very much to belong to his +corps,” said Lord Tom: “it must be deuced +good pay for a serjeant to enable him to do +what <em>he</em> does in the way of living. But—Jack—what +do you mean to do next? Do +you mean to take any notice of what that Mr. +Mead, or whatever his name is, said?—it was +not over-courteous, you know.”</p> + +<p>“No,” said Jack, “but then I make allowances. +I certainly did tantalize his poor little +wife. I <em>am</em> a sad dog in that way. ’Pon my +life! it is more my misfortune than my fault.”</p> + +<p>“Yes,” said Lord Tom; “but then—somehow——however, +it all depends upon feeling—only +he decidedly turned you out of the +room.”</p> + +<p>“Well, you know, my lord,” said Jack, +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_116">[Pg 116]</span>“he had a right to do that, because they pay +for separate apartments, and in course I had +no business there. If it had been really my +sister, instead of another wife, you would have +seen how I should have acted: but, you see, +she’s gone;—and—eh!”</p> + +<p>“Yes,” said Lord Tom, “the gentleman +was good enough to mention that fact.”</p> + +<p>“I didn’t like to ask further particulars,” +said Jack; “but it seems deuced strange that +one shouldn’t have heard of her death.”</p> + +<p>“Perhaps your mother has heard of it,” +said Lord Tom; “only I suspect you are not +a very constant correspondent of that worthy +lady’s.”</p> + +<p>“Maybe she has,” said Jack, evidently +thinking as much as he could.</p> + +<p>“Do you mean to stay here?” said Lord +Tom. “I intended to have crossed to-morrow; +but I suppose it wouldn’t be agreeable +for you to go afloat with your newly-recovered +connexions.”</p> + +<p>“Not exactly,” said Jack. “Oh, in course, +I shall stay here till you go: but I couldn’t +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_117">[Pg 117]</span>well have gone to-morrow anyhow, because I +have engaged myself to pass one day, before +we went over, with a friend at Walmer.”</p> + +<p>“What! at the Castle?” said Lord Tom, +making a face, invisible to Jack, whose real +character began to develope itself rapidly.</p> + +<p>“No, no,” said Jack archly, “nothing of +that sort: all snug—fellow-passenger in the +‘Union’—promises not to be broken:—mum!—that’s +all right, and no mistake. I +shall go over directly, and stay till to-morrow +after—”</p> + +<p>“—After ‘The Ferret’ starts for Calais,” +said Lord Tom. “You are right—peaceably +disposed, and averse from collision. I’ll wait +for you; only keep yourself all right for the +Champ de Mars.”</p> + +<p>“Deuced odd name for a race-course, isn’t +it?” said Jack.</p> + +<p>“‘What’s in a name?’” said Lord Tom.</p> + +<p>“Not much,” said Jack. “One would never +fancy that pleasant gentleman up-stairs to be +called Mead, from the sour way in which he +talks.”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_118">[Pg 118]</span></p> + +<p>“Oh, hang him!” said Lord Tom, who, +foreseeing that if there was anything like a +fight, he must inevitably be Jack’s friend upon +the occasion, lent himself entirely to his views +of the subject, and acceded completely to his +notion of terminating the affair peaceably. “I +should have nothing to do with any of them; it +is all what I call a tangle, and would take a +deuced sight of trouble to unravel it: so start +for Walmer, and I’ll wait your return.”</p> + +<p>It is impossible to describe the delight which +Brag felt at this acquiescence on the part of +his lordship in all his propositions; nor was +it long before he put his scheme in execution: +and two o’clock found him strolling about upon +the beach at Deal, having secured a bed-room +at one of the worst inns in the place, the +whole history of his promise and assignation +with his “Fanny of Timmol” being, as the +reader will naturally believe, a bright fiction +of his own particular school.</p> + +<p>It is scarcely necessary now to mention, that +in the case of Dr. and Mrs. Mead “the course +of true love <em>did</em> run smooth,” since the doctor +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_119">[Pg 119]</span>himself announced his marriage with Anne to +Jack Brag; nor is it more necessary to eulogize +the candour and single-mindedness on her part, +to which he also referred, and which determined +her to relate to her intended husband every +circumstance connected with her intimacy with +her early lover. They were united at St. +George’s, Hanover Square;—not because it is +<em>the</em> church for matrimony <i lang="fr">par excellence</i>, but +because it happened to be the church of the +parish in which Mead’s house was located. +They had started from town three days before, +and were joined at Sittingbourne by the Browns, +who, reducing the prescribed “treacle period,” +proposed, as we have already seen, accompanying +them to Paris.</p> + +<p>The evil star of Jack, however, was just now +in the ascendant. It is true that his skilful and +timely retreat to Walmer saved him from any +inconvenience likely to arise from a meeting +with Mr. George Brown; but it occasioned another +calamity, which to him, even with all his +prudence, was worse than the chance of being +wounded in a rencounter with his injured +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_120">[Pg 120]</span>brother-in-law:—but of this no more at present.</p> + +<p>When Jack had finished his solitary dinner, +and sipped his glass of grog—for in +the house he had selected for his abode wine +was wholly out of the question, he fell into a +lengthened reflection upon his family affairs: +he felt anxious to ascertain the real history of +his sister’s defection and fall, and to discover +how the long-despised George had attained to +wealth and importance such as he evidently +possessed. The fortunate marriage of the neglected +Anne equally puzzled him, and he resolved +to while away the dull evening by writing +his mother a letter, in which, giving a +modified account of his discovery of the Browns, +he might, as delicately as he could, ascertain +the extent of his mother’s knowledge touching +Kitty. Of course, he could get no answer +until he was in Paris, his desire of going to +which place was by no means increased by the +fact that the Meads and Browns were going +thither also. It was, however, impossible to +disappoint Lord Tom, who so entirely reckoned +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_121">[Pg 121]</span>upon his riding, and he therefore consoled +himself with the reflection that Paris was +a large city, and that they should not stay +there long; and that it was by no means impossible +that he might not fall in with any of +his connexions during his stay.</p> + +<p>Then there came into his head a sort of +question whether he ought to assume mourning +for his departed relative; but, after a discussion +with himself, he decided, that as she must +have been dead for a considerable time, it +would be ridiculous to begin to weep then; +besides which, his appearance in a “suit of +sables” would naturally lead to questions which +it would be neither agreeable nor convenient +for him to answer. He accordingly resolved +upon saying nothing upon the subject, but upon +writing, to hear the extent of the evil, from his +respectable parent.</p> + +<p>While all this was going on, a storm was +brewing at Dover calculated to swamp the +pretender upon his return and which was a +splendid illustration of the saying, that “misfortunes +never come alone.” The reader will +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_122">[Pg 122]</span>recollect the infelicitous <i lang="fr">tête-à-tête</i> which Jack +enjoyed at the sign of “The Duke of Marlborough” +with the Earl of Ilfracombe: the +sociable mutton-chop; the social glass of punch; +with the pleasing episodes of Mr. Figg’s horses, +and the red-elbowed Rachel.</p> + +<p>The reader will also recollect that the said +Earl of Ilfracombe, the denounced “Kill-joy,” +was uncle to Lord Tom Towzle, his sister being +Duchess of Ditchwater. It was quite clear that +the event, and the statements of Jack of his great +intimacy with Lord Tom, must form the special +subject of conversation between the uncle and +nephew whenever they met. It so happened that +they had not met since this curious <i lang="fr">rencontre</i> at +“The Duke of Marlborough.” Lord Ilfracombe, +his wife and family, had gone to Brussels three +or four days after that event; and, as if Old Nick +had really set his cloven foot in it, actually arrived +from the Continent on the morning following +Jack’s departure to Walmer, and before his +return thence; a calamity—for such it proved +to him—which would not have occurred, if he +had not induced Lord Tom to postpone his +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_123">[Pg 123]</span>passage until the next day, to suit his convenience +and security as regarded other matters.</p> + +<p>One of the principal morning recreations of +Dover is the inspection of the passengers who +land in the bay behind the pier, after the rolling +and pitching which are so peculiarly the attributes +of a voyage across the Channel from +Calais: women pale and wan, (with their long +ringlets all uncurled and limp, hanging adown +their cheeks, enveloped in plaid cloaks,) brown +cloaks, green cloaks, and sometimes soaked in +fine silks and ermines, which their love of +appearance has induced them to retain.—Men, +with caps, and straps, and jerkins, and +pea jackets, and Welsh wigs in every variety +of deformity, scarce able to endure the tiresome +assiduities of the “commissioners” from +the different inns; some laden with leather hat-boxes, +others with bags of sundry descriptions, +and all looking sad, wan, and miserable. All +these objects excite an interest, and often afford +amusement; and, of course, when people can +be amused and interested at so cheap a rate, +the <i>spectacle</i> is always well attended.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_124">[Pg 124]</span></p> + +<p>To the scene of action strolled Lord Tom, +after having witnessed the early departure of +“The Ferret,” with all Jack’s tormentors; +and as each boat-load left the newly arrived +steamer, his eye vainly roamed in search of +somebody he knew. At length, however, his +surprise and gratification were simultaneously +excited by the appearance of Lord and Lady +Ilfracombe, Lord and Lady Dawlish, and +Lady Fanny Smartly, his lordship’s cousin. +The recognition and meeting were exceedingly +agreeable, for Lord Tom, who was always on +his best behaviour in the society of his maternal +uncle, was a considerable favourite with +his aunt and cousin. One of the most striking +proofs of his desire to stand well with this +branch of his family was the fact, that he had +never thought proper to present or introduce +his tiger Brag to any member of it; and although +Jack, to whose ear their names and +probably attributes, had grown familiar by +hearing a great deal of them from Lord Tom, +his practical and personal knowledge of them +was—<i lang="la">nil</i>.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_125">[Pg 125]</span></p> + +<p>Lady Fanny was the first to recognise her +cousin; and in a moment afterwards, pale, +sick, and sad as Lady Ilfracombe and Lady +Dawlish were, they “rallied all life’s energies” +to wave their hands in token of kind acknowledgment, +looking more like a party under the +care of Charon than of the jolly mortal boatmen, +who cared no more for the wabbling of the +waters than a fine lady does for an undisturbed +rumble over a macadamized road.</p> + +<p>They had intended to proceed direct to town, +but the fatigue of the ladies, joined to the opportunity +of passing a pleasant day with Lord +Tom, induced them to change their design. The +greetings and welcomings of the party were really +true and genuine, for never was there a happier +family, nor one whose whole delight centred more +completely in the domestic pleasures of home. +Lord Tom escorted Lady Ilfracombe and Lady +Fanny; Lord Ilfracombe and his son were the +supporters of Lady Dawlish; and so they ground +their way, instep-deep, over the shingles—a walk +said by experienced persons to be infinitely more +tremendous than the tread-mill for an equal +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_126">[Pg 126]</span>space of time,—until they reached the wonted +“Ship,” and whither Lord Tom insisted upon +their going, in opposition to Lord Ilfracombe, +who, being the “sickest” of the party, was all +for its rival, because it was nearer the landing-place, +and because the landlord was most civil +and obliging,—all of which character he deserves. +But Lord Tom was to have his way, +and so the party were as speedily as possible +deposited at “The Ship,” which, with all its +splendour and all its gaiety, does not half so +much cheer our hearts as it did when it was an +humbler-looking house, full of comforts afforded +in a different style—an attempt at splendour +which never can reach the scale to which it +pretends, is always a mistake. Take “The +Fountains” at Canterbury as an example of +perfect snugness without pretension. Recollect +that a late noble earl, and prime minister, in +his journeys to Walmer, always stopped to dine +and sleep at “The Rose” at Sittingbourne, +because it was excellent in its way, and perfectly +different from the ordinary routine of his +life; and recollect that in all its appointments +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_127">[Pg 127]</span>and accessories, innkeepers who deal in tinsel +and tawdry, in the hope of making their houses +something like what their noble customers are +used to, fail entirely: neat and clean are the +qualities of an inn—grand and great, must +be ridiculous.</p> + +<p>Into “The Ship” scarcely had the Ilfracombe +party been ushered, before breakfast +was prepared for the voyagers, who, after the +refreshments of the dressing-room, recovered +themselves entirely, and proceeded to make up +for any loss of appetite which they might have +sustained on the water. Never did aristocratic +party more revel in the <i lang="fr">dejeuner à la fourchette</i> +put down before them than these; and Lord +Tom, who had already done breakfast the first, +particularly well delighted at the opportunity +afforded for the reunion, managed breakfast the +second with infinite glee.</p> + +<p>They were a family of love—Lord Tom avowedly +the <i lang="fr">roué</i>,—but still never betraying any +of those symptoms which were likely either to +excite the anxiety or displeasure of those members +now present. They laughed, and talked; +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_128">[Pg 128]</span>Lord Ilfracombe related many anecdotes of +the <em>liberality</em> of the King of the Belgians—and +some extraordinary traits of the <em>liberalism</em> of +the King of the French;—discussed, in <em>his</em> way, +the anomalous position of a monarch raised to +a throne not his own by the clamour of a people, +whose liberties he was subsequently obliged +to restrain with greater rigour than had ever +been attempted even in the time of their idol +and tyrant Buonaparte; and the curious fact +of his denunciation even unto the death, of the +contrivers of barricades, by which barricades +alone he had himself obtained the crown.</p> + +<p>From these, and similar general subjects, +his lordship glanced to the more domestic +topics of Dover; and Lord Tom explained precisely +his position there—his connexion with +a gentleman whom they would see at dinner, +Mr. Brag, and who was to be his lordship’s +companion to Paris for the purpose of riding +his race.</p> + +<p>“Why, then, you really <em>do</em> know Mr. Brag!” +said Lord Ilfracombe.</p> + +<p>“I do,” said Lord Tom;—“but do <em>you</em>?”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_129">[Pg 129]</span></p> + +<p>The train was fired;—the fatal evil had +occurred. Then it was that Lord Ilfracombe +first had the opportunity of relating all that the +reader already knows, about their meeting, &c.;—then +it was that Lord Tom first became “wide +awake” to the character of the tiger he had so +long patronized:—and then it was he was resolved +to give him a reception upon his return,</p> + +<blockquote> +<p class="no-indent">“More honoured in the breach than the observance,”<br></p> +</blockquote> + +<p class="no-indent">and kick him soundly for the insolent falsehoods +he had dared to utter even to the face +of their object. One thing alone interfered to +prevent this obvious manifestation of his contempt—and +that was, the debt, which he could +not but acknowledge, but which, alas! he could +not pay.</p> + +<p>Lord Ilfracombe, instead of being the “Kill-joy” +described by Brag, was a remarkably +agreeable person, and, more than most people, +ready to enter into a joke. Before Brag’s +arrival, he entreated Lord Tom, instead of +taking the matter up seriously, to punish +the pretender by allowing him to join the +party as usual, to permit him gradually to +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_130">[Pg 130]</span>become acquainted with the ladies, whom he +might not remember, and conclude the evening +by making a matter of jest of that which +could produce no satisfactory result if treated +in any grave manner.</p> + +<p>“At the same time, Tom,” said the earl, +“I honestly confess, for your own sake,—let +him down as you may—the easier the better,—I +<em>do</em> think you ought to get rid of him,—if +after the Paris races, well and good: but you +have no idea how ready the world is to attribute +motives. This little man is of use to <em>you</em>, +because he <em>is</em> little, and rides light; but—<i lang="fr">le +jeu ne vaut pas la chandelle</i>. Pay a jockey, +and let him ride—but do not make him an +associate; do not give him the power of gossiping +about your relations, as this little man +did to me. You cannot pay <em>him</em>, and therefore +he must, if he ride, take it out ‘in kind,’ +as the clergy have it.”</p> + +<p>Lord Tom agreed with every word said by +his noble uncle, even to the assertion that he +could not pay Jack. This was the crisis fatal +to Brag.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_131">[Pg 131]</span></p> + +<p>“My dear uncle,” said Lord Tom, “will +you forgive what I am going to tell you?”</p> + +<p>“Anything, Tom,” said his lordship. “I am +not hard-hearted.”</p> + +<p>“I admit to you,” said Lord Tom, “that +recent events have opened my eyes to the character +of this man. Last night he exposed +himself in a house to which I had the credit of +taking him. I have got a letter from town +this morning, which gives me the whole account +of his incalculable insolence in making +offers to two ladies, sisters, who, both in joke, +accepted him.”</p> + +<p>“Mrs. Dallington and Miss Englefield,” said +Lord Ilfracombe, “I presume.”</p> + +<p>“My dear uncle, how in the name of wonder, +do you know anything about it?” said Lord +Tom.</p> + +<p>“Your exemplary friend himself,” replied +the earl, “told me the whole story of their +devotion to him, with their names and places +of residence, at the very moment in which he +was spanning the by no means taper waist of +the barmaid of the alehouse.”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_132">[Pg 132]</span></p> + +<p>“You don’t mean <em>that</em>!” said Lord Tom.</p> + +<p>“How else could I possibly have known +it?” said the earl. “Rely upon it, he is +to be discarded.”</p> + +<p>“Well then,” said Lord Tom, “I must +come to the fact:—I owe the fellow four +hundred pounds. The law of primogeniture, +my dear uncle, makes us, Lord Toms, Lord +Johns, and Lord Bobs, anything but rich; and +we <em>are</em> consequently run sometimes to do things +of which, upon sober reflection, we are seriously +ashamed:—now there’s the truth—he volunteered +upon all occasions, and I, like a fool, accepted +his proffered accommodation.”</p> + +<p>“The city men say,” said Lord Ilfracombe, +“‘accept anything, except a bill:’ however, +Tom, I have been young myself. I will get +you out of the difficulty. Mr. Brag may ride +your horses; but although you may be saddled +by others, he shall not ride <em>you</em>. You +shall have the money; you shall Fectorize him +this very day. But I’ll have no quarrelling—I +will have it all my own way. I dined with him at +the small inn—he shall dine with us at a large +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_133">[Pg 133]</span>one; and if I have not my revenge out of him, I +shall be astonished. If he had denounced me as +a seducer, a murderer, or even a Whig, I could +have borne it all; but when he called me to my +face a “Kill-joy,” and a “wet blanket,” it was +too bad. Let him come; let us have him to +dine, and I will instruct the other members of +our little family community to play their parts. +But not one word of those whom he is to meet, +till we have him in our meshes.”</p> + +<p>“My dear uncle, you are too good to me,” +said Lord Tom.</p> + +<p>“Not a bit of it,” said the earl. “There +are a set of underbred fellows in the world, +who swagger and strut about, because by some +accident, sometimes as little honourable or decent +to themselves as may be, they have got +hold of money, which they as little deserve as +they had any right to expect—who fancy, because, +from their very insignificance, they have +shuffled, screwed, or pushed themselves into +society to which they ought not to belong, they +are to mount upon their money-bags into yet +higher places; and who, exactly in proportion to +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_134">[Pg 134]</span>their natural meanness and original insignificance, +perk up their noses and toss their heads, +to give them a consequence, which makes them +insufferably odious to the people with whom +they really <em>do</em> live, and incalculably ridiculous +to those with whom they never can +live, let them try as much as they may. +This man Brag is one of that class, and +it will be a very slight punishment for his +immeasurable insolence to get rid of him after +our own fashion. So, come along; we’ll to +Fector’s: you shall have the money, and we +will eject your familiar in the civilest and most +amiable imaginable manner: <em>that</em> part of the +affair you will leave to <em>me</em>; the discharge of +the debt remains with <em>you</em>.”</p> + +<p>The letter which Lord Tom had received +from Rushton himself, describing the outrageous +conduct of Jack, and its merited results, +went so far to convince him that Brag was +neither more nor less than a disgrace, that +his first impulse, on his return to Dover, would +no doubt have been to put him on his defence, +as far as that affair went; but clogged as he +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_135">[Pg 135]</span>had hitherto been with the debt, it would have +ended in a laugh-off or a qualification; and however +much convinced he might have been of the +unworthiness, not to call it insanity, of his conduct, +they would have continued their route to +Paris, and their subsequent connexion. Now, +armed with the means of vindicating his character +by the abandonment of such an associate, +Lord Tom felt himself doubly braced by the +breeze, as he and his uncle left the door of the +bank, his lordship having the amount of his debt +to Jack safely lodged in the sinister pocket of +his lordship’s trowsers.</p> + +<p>The events of the day remain to be told.</p> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> +<div class="chapter"> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_136">[Pg 136]</span></p> + + + <h2 class="nobreak" id="CHAPTER_IV"> + CHAPTER IV. + </h2> +</div> + + +<p>Little did Brag suspect that a pit so deep +as that, which Lord Ilfracombe proposed, was +digging for him during his forced absence from +his noble friend Lord Tom; still less indeed, +did he anticipate the arrival of that noble Earl, +which, full as he naturally must be of the history +of the dreadful luncheon, if he had imagined +it possible, would have satisfied him that +the last explosion was at hand. The truth is, +that being ignorant of any such facts, and innocent +of any such anticipation, Jack’s thoughts +were fully occupied in reflections upon the still +unexplained fate of his sister Kitty, the worldly +advancement of George Brown, and the evidently +advantageous marriage of Anne.</p> + +<p>In the confusion of his ideas as to the causes +of this advancement, and these advantages, and +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_137">[Pg 137]</span>a sort of a compunctious visiting in the shape of +a recollection of the manner in which he had +treated and talked of the woman whom he once +fancied he loved, who certainly had loved him, +and whom he now as certainly had lost, Jack +passed no pleasant time. The weather was +stormy, and although it might have</p> + +<blockquote> +<p class=no-indent> + ——suited the present temper of his mind, +</p> +</blockquote> + +<p class=no-indent>it was by no means so agreeable in its congeniality +as “the rocking of the battlements” was +to the sable hero of Dr. Young.</p> + +<p>Time, however, as we all know, will go—although +as Shakspeare says, he hath many different +paces,—still he keeps going, and after +Jack had finished his two glasses of grog, and +folded and sealed his letter to his mother, (which +he proposed slipping into the post himself the +next morning in order that nobody in the inn +might see the direction), he rang the bell in +order that he might—</p> + +<blockquote> +<p class=no-indent> + To keep his spirits up<br> + By pouring spirits down— +</p> +</blockquote> + +<p class=no-indent>desire the waiter to bring him some more hot +brandy and water.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_138">[Pg 138]</span></p> + +<p>No waiter came to answer the summons; the +lout who had previously attended him having +gone to the stable; but, instead of that attendant +there appeared before him a sylph-like +creature, who seemed to have descended from +some other sphere to do his bidding—the +very Hebe of waiting-maids—a girl as fair, +and as modest in her deportment as if she +had just stepped from the threshold of a nunnery. +“Acasto’s dear remains” could not have +been more interesting—her face lovely, her +flaxen locks inartificially falling about her ears—her +innocent blue eyes cast down upon the +floor, and her cheeks suffused with blushes such +as tint the opening rose of future whiteness.</p> + +<p>Jack was at once confounded, delighted, +frightened and amazed: his first impression +was, that it was a mistake—that the plainly yet +gracefully dressed creature he saw before him +was, like himself, a visiter at the inn, and that +she had either in mistake, or because she had +seen him in the course of the day, entered his +room. Don Quixote himself was not more +prone to the exaltation of his “loves” than +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_139">[Pg 139]</span>Jack: he gazed, he doubted—rubbed up his +hair—pulled up his collar, and was going to +try to say something, when Fanny Martin, +(such was her name,) saved him the trouble by +asking him if <em>he</em> rang?</p> + +<p>“I ring!” said Jack, “yes,—yes. I rang—that +is—eh!—I beg your pardon—do you?—eh!”—</p> + +<p>“What did you please to want, sir?” said +Fanny.</p> + +<p>“I rang for the waiter,” said Jack.</p> + +<p>“Tom only stops in the house till eight, sir,” +said Fanny; “I can get you what you want.”</p> + +<p>“Umph,” said Jack, “that’s—eh!—well—I’m +sorry to give you the trouble,—a glass +of hot brandy and water—if you please.”</p> + +<p>Fanny curtesied, retired, and shut the door.</p> + +<p>Jack’s head was gone—turned, twisted,—what +could it mean?—never was such a pretty +creature,—what was she—bar-maid, house-maid, +chamber-maid—what? It was a bright +vision,—it was something to love;—for, upon +Moore’s principle, (and Jack had done more in +the way of advances, however ill the combats +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_140">[Pg 140]</span>eventually turned out, by the aid of a smattering +familiarity with the mischievous beauties of that +bewitching poet than anything else)</p> + +<div class="poetry-container"> + <div class="poetry"> + <div class="stanza"> + <div class="verse indent0">“’Twere a shame when flowers around us rise</div> + <div class="verse indent2">To make light of the rest, if the rose be not there;</div> + <div class="verse indent0">And the world’s so rich in resplendent eyes</div> + <div class="verse indent2">’Twere a pity to limit one’s love to a pair.</div> + </div> + <div class="stanza"> + <div class="verse indent0">“Love’s wing and the Peacock’s are nearly alike,</div> + <div class="verse indent2">They are both of them bright, but they’re changeable too;</div> + <div class="verse indent0">And wherever a new beam of beauty can strike,</div> + <div class="verse indent2">It will tincture love’s plume with a different hue.</div> + </div> + <div class="stanza"> + <div class="verse indent0">“Then, oh! what pleasure, wherever we rove,</div> + <div class="verse indent2">To be doom’d to find something that still is dear;</div> + <div class="verse indent0">And to know, when far from the lips we love,</div> + <div class="verse indent2">We have but to make love to the lips that are near.”</div> + </div> + </div> +</div> + +<p>This is a faith almost as convenient and elastic +as that of Popery, although vulgarised down +by Jack to the practical siege of a chambermaid +at Deal, some degrees superior, however, +to the red-elbowed Rachel of the Duke’s Head, +who, as we have already seen, did most unequivocally +reject his “delicate attentions.”</p> + +<p>And there was besides a history, of which +Fanny Martin was the heroine,—a history that +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_141">[Pg 141]</span>everybody in Deal knew, and which made everybody +who knew her modest demeanour and +excellent character very solicitous for her welfare. +But she shall speak for herself—poor +girl! she is but humble. Let us hope—we say +no more—that the gaiety and sprightliness of +our hero may have no ill effect upon her peace +of mind, or the excellence of her character.</p> + +<p>Jack, when she left the room, was, as we have +seen, what he called “toppled over.”—“Why, +bless my soul!” he mentally ejaculated,—that +is, said to himself,—“Nancy Brown never +was like <em>that</em>—Blanche—psha!”—(be it +remembered that the ale and grog in which +he had solitarily indulged, mixed with his grief +and anxieties, had dreadfully fermented.) “Miss +Englefield—what’s a Miss!—what indeed—she’s +amiss—Mrs. Dallington—two fools—eh!—made +me a laughing-stock. What’s the sincerity +of that—young Gunnersbury—beast!—hate +him—deuce take that old lord with the snuff-box +yesterday—The brig—psha! Lovely creature +this—must have a talk with <em>her</em>—eyes—hair—eh! +I hope Brown is gone—ah—foolish—how +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_142">[Pg 142]</span>could he have got that money? Poor +Anne—eh—did like her once—Walworth—mud—fog—squash—nonsense, +couldn’t—Old +mother mad—deuce take Waterloo Bridge—hate +Lord Tom—wish he’d pay me my money—don’t +like going to Paris—meet Nancy. +Hope the farmer has given up his action about +the trespass at the steeple chase—eh,—never +left direction for the attorney. Hang that old +Ilfracombe—Tom’s uncle—made a fool of myself +there—beast Figgs and the horses. Want +money to carry on the war. What happened +to Kitty—all wrong, I suppose. What a noise +the wind makes!—bore being at sea. She’s +a long time coming—think she was hit—saw +her look—innocent—eh! Well—ah—that’s +all right and no mistake. Three Mackerels—comb +and night-cap;—deuce of a bore—dirty +monster—eh!—wonder who the people were +standing all about—Tom never said a word. Mrs. +Carnaby—eh!—don’t know—pretty woman—poor +Carnaby! Well—I wonder if they go to +Paris! Old fool, Lady Gunnersbury! Wonder +if Lydiard will be married soon. Wretched wet +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_143">[Pg 143]</span>night—good-natured slavey to offer the cab. +Oh!—they may all go to Nycko. Where is +this fair—eh!—creature. Oh—”</p> + +<p>This half-whispered, half-thought soliloquy +was scarcely ended, when Fanny re-appeared +with the glass of hot brandy and water: +this she deposited upon the table, and was +about to retire.</p> + +<p>“I say,” said Jack, “stop a minute,—just +shut the door.”</p> + +<p>“I can’t stop, sir,” said Fanny.</p> + +<p>“I only want just to say three words to +you,” said Jack.</p> + +<p>“Well, sir,” said Fanny, “I can hear them +as well with the door open, as shut.”</p> + +<p>“Yes, so can anybody else,” said Jack.</p> + +<p>“I’m sure, sir,” said the girl, looking all +modesty, “you would not want to say anything +to <em>me</em> that everybody in the house mightn’t +hear.”</p> + +<p>“No,” said Jack, “only the draft of air +from the door, you know, is likely to give one +cold. I really want just to ask you—a question +or two.”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_144">[Pg 144]</span></p> + +<p>“Oh, sir,” said Fanny, “I’ll shut to the +door, if you wish it, only I can’t stop a minute.”</p> + +<p>“Tell me,” said Jack, essaying to take her +hand, which she gently withdrew, “what the +deuce does it mean?”</p> + +<p>“What, sir?” said Fanny.</p> + +<p>“Why, don’t you twig?” said Jack. “What +the deuce brings such a sweet, lovely creature +as you, into such a place as this?”</p> + +<p>“My good fortune, sir,” said Fanny.</p> + +<p>“Your good fortune,” said Jack, “I should +think that you might better your fortune if +you chose.”</p> + +<p>“No, sir,” said Fanny; “my father was a +native of this place, and so was my mother: he +was lost at sea, and my mother is dead. I was +an orphan, one of four, and my mistress has +been a mother to me ever since: I am quite +happy where I am, and very grateful for her +kindness.”</p> + +<p>“You are a regular angel,” said Jack. “I +meant to have gone away to-morrow; but now +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_145">[Pg 145]</span>I have seen you I’m not sure I shall ever go +away—at least without you.”</p> + +<p>“The longer you stay the better, sir,” said +Fanny with a smile, which had scarcely left +her pretty countenance, before she quitted the +room and shut the door.</p> + +<p>That smile convinced him that his never-failing +qualities of person and conversation had +triumphed, and that the fair orphan was all +at once, heart and soul devoted to him; and +it was at this moment he began to repent his +positive engagement to Lord Tom for the next +day, to which, as his ruminations have already +informed us, he began to grow somewhat disinclined +upon other considerations.</p> + +<p>A nervous anxiety to see and have the opportunity +of again speaking to the really beautiful +girl, induced Jack to ring his bell very +soon after he had finished his brandy and +water, and desire to be shown to his bed-room;—it +was then about half past ten o’clock. The +sylph came—gave him his candle—attended him +to his chamber, and there underwent a certain +degree of vulgar persecution in the way of +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_146">[Pg 146]</span>very marked attentions, from which she contrived +to escape, not—as a faithful historian, +I am bound to say—without the undesired +gain of one single kiss from Jack, which was so +hastily given and so seriously repulsed, that it +remains doubtful whether it fell upon the cheek +which the attempt had brightened into a beautiful +blush, or upon a depending curl which +hung clustering inartificially over it. Probably +Crispissa</p> + +<blockquote> +<p class=no-indent>——tended her favourite lock,</p> +</blockquote> + +<p class=no-indent>and the presence of Ariel was scarcely needed, +since Fanny felt no “shock.”</p> + +<p>Jack, however, did not see the door close or +hear the retreating footsteps of the delicate +hand-maiden, without, as usual, satisfying +himself that he had settled <em>that</em> point, and +that if it were not for the provoking necessity +of going to Dover in the morning, he should, +in a very short time, be the favoured of all the +admirers which so sweet a “creechur” must +necessarily possess.</p> + +<p>Full of these new thoughts, which, as his +small mind had not room for many, naturally +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_147">[Pg 147]</span>expelled all the other previous occupants, Jack +“turned in,” as the sailors say, and tossed and +tumbled about, not much soothed or composed +by the various noises incidental to a minor inn +at Deal during a blowing night. The impending +morrow now was viewed by him with double +dismay, since he had discovered a new attractive +power where he was; and as for the +meekness or modesty of anybody in <em>that</em> station, +<em>that</em> was all a regular mistake.</p> + +<p>Jack had been deposited horizontally for +about an hour, with something like an expectation +of an accidental “look in” of Fanny to +see after his candle, or upon some other little +errand to which she might have been excited +by his never-failing attractions, when, just as +he was dropping off into a slumber, the result +of exhaustion of thought, Jack, to his infinite +delight, but not surprise, heard a gentle delicate +noise at his chamber door, not very much +unlike</p> + +<blockquote> +<p class=no-indent>“The woodpecker tapping the hollow beech tree.”</p> +</blockquote> + +<p class=no-indent>The sound roused him in a moment: he sat up +in bed—saw the glimmering of a light through +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_148">[Pg 148]</span>the key-hole, and in one of those half impeded +whispers, in which gentlemen under such +circumstances sometimes express themselves, +said “Who’s there?”</p> + +<p>“Me, sir,” was the response uttered in the +sweet voice of the gentle Fanny.</p> + +<p>“Come in,” said Jack, still more effectually +subduing his voice, “come in.”</p> + +<p>The pretty rustic obeyed the call, and stood +before him with a light in her hand, more +lovely to <em>his</em> eyes than ever.</p> + +<p>“You are a dear soul,” said Jack, ten thousand +ideas rushing at once into his imagination, +which as I have just said was not calculated +to hold more than one at a time,—“you +are come, are you—what is it?—eh!—”</p> + +<p>“Why, sir,” said Fanny blushing, and looking +modestly down at the candle she carried, +“I’m sure I beg pardon, sir,—but—could you +spare half your bed to-night?”</p> + +<p>“Spare!” said Jack, sitting bolt upright, +conscious that he had not overrated the power +of his fascination,—“do you doubt it?—spare!—to +be sure—to be sure—all right and no +mistake.”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_149">[Pg 149]</span></p> + +<p>“That’s all right indeed, sir,” said Fanny, +“because, sir, here is Mr. Van Slush Harridick, +a North-Sea trader, just arrived, wet to the +skin, who hasn’t been in bed for three weeks, +sir, and we should have had no other place +whatever to put him in to-night, if you had +not been so good as to say ‘yes.’”</p> + +<p>“Mr. Van what?” said Jack, in an agony.</p> + +<p>“Van Slush Harridick,” was replied in the +hoarse gruff voice of a man six feet four in +height, and four feet six in circumference, dressed +in a well-saturated pea jacket and dreadnought +trowsers, who followed the girl into the room +the moment the permission was granted;—“And +I dank you var moch, zir, vor de commodation: +I zleeps zound, and znores not.”</p> + +<p>“What does all this mean?” said Jack,—“I +don’t understand.”</p> + +<p>“Bot I too,” said Van Slush Harridick;—“Vanny +ask for half de ped,—you zay yez—wot +vor now you zay no. I aff not zlept dry vor +dese dree veeks von vay and doder, and I zshall +drop to my znoozle like a dop.”</p> + +<p>“Like a what, sir?” said Jack.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_150">[Pg 150]</span></p> + +<p>“A dop,” said the giant.—“Zo, Vanny, get +up my bipe, and my pag, and my pacco, and my +prandy and vaterz, for bleaze de bigs I mill haf +a buff and a zwig pefore I durns in.”</p> + +<p>“Do <em>you</em> mean to say, sir,” said Jack, “that +you propose to share my bed?”</p> + +<p>“Doo be zure I too,” said Harridick, +“Vanny asked you; if no?—if yez?—you +zaid yez—zo here gose.”</p> + +<p>Saying which Harridick began to disencumber +himself of some part of his drapery, Fanny +having previously obeyed his orders about his +pipe, and his bag, and his brandy and water. +Brag sat up and reconnoitred the giant, who +was shaking his jacket and preparing to make +“snug for the night.” Having scanned the +size and power of his companion, his next +step was out of his comfortable nest.</p> + +<p>“Dat’s right,” said Harridick; “go if you +like, and leaf it all do me,—I’m not do be +drifled mid.”</p> + +<p>Finding remonstrance hopeless and resistance +impossible, Jack huddled on his clothes +in the corner, and when Fanny returned with +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_151">[Pg 151]</span>the North-Sea trader’s little comforts, he was +prepared to announce to her his determination +of giving up the whole of the accommodation to +the newly arrived guest, and passing the night +upon the short horse-hair sofa which stood +in his sitting-room—an announcement which, +in order to convince both the maid and the +trader that he was not terrified into a removal, +he made to the former in the civilest possible +manner.</p> + +<p>“I’m zorry do durn you out, my vrend,” +said Harridick; “you are bot a liddle vellow, +and dere voud haf been blenty of room for poth +of os.”</p> + +<p>“You are extremely welcome,” said Jack; +“in course if you have not been in bed for +three weeks, it must be of much greater consequence +to <em>you</em> than <em>me</em>;—so—Fanny dear, give +me a light, and I’ll make myself as snug as I +can down stairs.”</p> + +<p>“Coot night, coot night, my liddle vrend,” +said Harridick; “I’ll too as moch vor you +menever you are apoard mein prig in de Nord +Zea.”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_152">[Pg 152]</span></p> + +<p>“I wish with all my heart and soul you were +there now,” said Jack to himself. “Good night, +sir,—come, light me down, Fanny.”</p> + +<p>Accordingly Fanny did as she was bid, and +Jack found himself again deposited in his sitting-room. +Here he enquired whether he could +have a cloak or two, a blanket, or a covering of +some kind, to protect him from the chilliness of +the night; and his request was answered by the +landlady in person, who in bringing up several +articles of warm clothing, expressed her +regret that he should have been so inconvenienced.</p> + +<p>“Why,” said Jack, “I must say, to <em>me</em>, +used as in course I am to every sort of +luxury and comfort, it <em>is</em> rather hard; but +the gentleman—is tired—and so—”</p> + +<p>“Yes, sir,” said the landlady, “but he +should not have interfered with you, only you +gave him leave, as my maid tells me, to share +your accommodation: indeed, it was Fanny +who first thought of asking you; for says she +to me, ‘Mam,’ says she, ‘the London gentleman +is so very little, there’ll be plenty of room +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_153">[Pg 153]</span>for Mr. Harridick;’ and all our other beds, +you see, sir, is quite full.”</p> + +<p>“I am much obliged to Fanny for the notion,” +said Jack; “I certainly did not think—I—however—”</p> + +<p>“Oh, sir,” said the landlady, “if it hadn’t +been with your own consent, nobody should +have put you out of your room. I’m sure +I hope you won’t catch cold, or feel any other +illconvenience by sleeping here—and I’m +humbly obliged to you for your consideration—will +you take anything, sir, before +you settle yourself?”</p> + +<p>“Don’t care if I do,” said Jack, “a glass +of brandy and water, same as the last,—hot, +strong, and sweet, eh!—I’m deuced shivery.”</p> + +<p>“I’ll send it you directly, sir,” said the +landlady, quite delighted at having so far +soothed her guest—“Good night, sir.”</p> + +<p>“Good night,” said Jack. Casting his eyes +round the room, which looked as cheerless as +might be; and having reflected for three or +four minutes upon the consequences likely to +result from his own estimate of his lady-killing +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_154">[Pg 154]</span>qualities, a gentle tap at the door announced +that</p> + +<blockquote> +<p class=no-indent>——“the drink was ready.”</p> +</blockquote> + +<p>“Come in,” said Jack—and again appeared +before him the gentle Fanny with a smoking +tumbler of the desired beverage, which she +deposited on the table.</p> + +<p>“So, Miss Fanny,” said Jack, “it was you +who foisted that sea-monster upon me, was it?”</p> + +<p>“Sea-monster! sir,” said Fanny.</p> + +<p>“Yes, Mr. Harridick, as you call him,” said +Jack.</p> + +<p>“He is no monster, sir,” said Fanny, “but +a very kind-hearted gentleman, and one of my +mistress’s best customers.”</p> + +<p>“I didn’t think you would play me such a +trick as that,” said Jack, looking tenderly and +plaintively at the girl:—“the only thing you can +do by way of compensation is, to come and sit +with me for an hour or two, and tell me all your +own history—eh!—and then I’ll make it up +with you, smack smooth, and no mistake.”</p> + +<p>“Sit up! sir,” said Fanny—“Lord bless +you! sir—why, it’s just twelve o’clock: we +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_155">[Pg 155]</span>are all in bed here by twelve. I sleep with +my mistress, and she’s waiting for me now.”</p> + +<p>“I say, Fanny,” said Brag, somewhat emphatically—</p> + +<p>“Come, Fanny—Fanny,” said a voice outside +the half-open door, and which Jack recognised +as that of the landlady.</p> + +<p>“Coming, ma’am,” replied the girl—“coming +this minute. Good night, sir!”</p> + +<p>“Good night!” said Jack, in a subdued +tone.</p> + +<p>The girl retired, the door closed, and the +last sound Jack heard was a duet of suppressed +laughter performed in the passage by the maid +and the mistress, in which the voice of the +former considerably predominated.</p> + +<p>There are sounds to which men sometimes +love to shut their ears; Jack, however, could not +muster up a sufficient stock of dysecœa to answer +his purpose. What could they be laughing +at?—at the sea-monster perhaps, thought +Jack; there was nothing else ridiculous, that +he could discover; and so in no very good humour +the little man rolled himself up for the +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_156">[Pg 156]</span>night in a boat-cloak which evidently had not +long been home from a voyage.</p> + +<p>In the morning everything was naturally as +uncomfortable as anything well could be, and +Jack, looking about wistfully for his <i lang="fr">valise</i>, +began sorely to repent that he had not taken +up his abode at “The Three Kings,” or some +of the more substantial inns of the place, where +he would certainly not have been subjected +to such an intrusion and expulsion as those +which he had so incautiously brought upon +himself. Having got up, just as he lay down, +he rang the bell, and enquired whether he +should be able to use his last night’s room +for dressing; to which Fanny, the cruel fair, +replied in the affirmative—that Mr. Harridick +was up, and coming down almost directly, and +she would just “put the things a little to +rights,” and let Jack know when it was ready.</p> + +<p>There was nothing in all this, to soothe or +console our hero, who could not divest himself +of that nervous, aching, sinking feeling, which +seems almost miraculously to announce the +falling of some heavy blow. He could not +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_157">[Pg 157]</span>account for the sensation, except indeed that +with the day had come upon him the reflection, +that, besides making himself extremely uncomfortable +during the night, he had made himself +rather ridiculous into the bargain. However, +a few hours would extricate him from his worries; +he would be cracking his jokes under +the patronage of Lord Tom; and as for the +North-Sea trader, as he had, under an erroneous +impression, given him permission to +accommodate himself, it was much better to +concede the point upon an assumed principle +of good-nature and consideration, than get into +any personal altercation with a man whose +place in society could not easily be defined.</p> + +<p>While he was congratulating himself upon +the success of his diplomacy, a knock at the +door, louder than that in which the gentle +Fanny announced her presence, startled him; +and the permission “Come in” being uttered, +the door opened, and Mr. Slush Van Harridick +presented himself to Jack’s astonished eyes.</p> + +<p>“Cood mornin do you,” said Harridick; +“I ope you zlept mell.”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_158">[Pg 158]</span></p> + +<p>“Good morning, sir,” said Jack:—“slept +like a top, as you say—warm, snug, and comfortable; +couldn’t be better; all smack smooth, +and no mistake.”</p> + +<p>“I only looked in,” said the trader, “joost +do dell you dat de zea-monster has done tressing, +and your room is at your zervice—eh—dat +is all. And now, liddle man, de zea-monster +is going to git his prakfast.”</p> + +<p>Saying which, Harridick shut the door, and +calmly walked away, singing a line of a popular +Dutch song, which sounded most discordant +to Jack’s ears, who was now perfectly satisfied +that every word which he had, as he thought +privately and confidentially whispered to Fanny, +had been by <em>her</em> communicated to his ursine +rival; and that in escaping the vengeance +of Scylla Brown at Dover, he had run into +still greater peril by having offended Charybdis +Harridick at Deal, and so got himself, according +to his own phraseology, “out of the frying-pan +into the fire.”</p> + +<p>Shaftesbury says:—“The passion of fear +(as a modern philosopher informs me) determines +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_159">[Pg 159]</span>the spirits of the muscles of the knees, +which are instantly ready to perform their motion +by taking up the legs with incomparable +celerity, in order to remove the body out of +harm’s way.” Now although it would be unfair +and unjust to attribute to any apprehension +of consequences, on the part of Mr. Brag, +the resolution at which he suddenly arrived, of +not stopping any longer where he was, and the +immoveable determination he made to depart +forthwith; certain it is that he did so resolve +and determine, upon the ground that he had +been ill-used, imposed upon, turned out of his +bed, and generally outraged by the mistress of +the house and her handmaiden.</p> + +<p>Accordingly Brag, when he had finished his +toilette, or, as he generally pronounced it, “twilight,” +rang the bell and ordered his bill, giving +at the same time a negative to the question +if he would have breakfast served. The tone +in which this negative was given, and the dignified +air which accompanied it, satisfied poor +Fanny that her day of influence was over; +and when the account was produced and paid, +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_160">[Pg 160]</span>with the smallest possible gratuity for herself, +Brag, boiling with rage and indignation, qualified +in a certain degree by his anxiety to +escape any farther parley with Harridick, quitted +the house, bearing in his hand the valise +in which his cap, comb, and the rest of his +portable comforts for one day’s use had been +stowed.</p> + +<p>Thus loaded, he emerged from the lane in +which, for the benefit of the sea-view (his room +facing the street) he had immured himself, and +walked on to “The Three Kings,” where enquiring +the hour at which the first coach to +Dover would start, he ordered breakfast, having +first asked whether the waiter had seen +Mr. Brag’s servant anywhere about.</p> + +<p>Of course the man said no—inasmuch as servant +there was none.</p> + +<p>“Then,” said Brag, “I have no doubt he +drove on last night: never mind, the coach +will do.”</p> + +<p>Jack, whatever might have been the real +source of his anxiety to quit his late residence, +felt comparatively happy in his new <i lang="fr">locale</i>. +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_161">[Pg 161]</span>The house was a good one; there was an air of +cleanliness and cheerfulness about it; the weather +was fine, the sun shone brightly, and his +happiness was complete, when, as the waiter +was putting down the breakfast, he replied to +the question, “What steamer is that smoking +in the distance?”—“The Dover boat, sir, for +Calais.”</p> + +<p>“To-day’s paper, sir,” said the waiter, presenting +a copy of “The Dover Telegraph.”</p> + +<p>“Thank you!” said Jack, with a princely +affability of manner, and forthwith he began his +morning meal, alternately cutting, spreading, +sweetening, pouring out, and reading, with a +mind perfectly at ease. A new cloud, however, +rose on the horizon, which threatened the neutralization +of the delight which he had just +received from the distant smoke of “The +Ferret,” in the shape of the following account +of the grounding of the brig at the back of +the pier, which stared him in the face in large +letters under the head of “Local News.”</p> + +<p>“The night before last, the brig Rose, from +Falmouth to this port, missed the entrance of +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_162">[Pg 162]</span>the harbour, owing to the strength of the gale, +and got on shore at the back of the pier. +Great apprehensions were entertained for her +safety: three of the crew swam on shore, but +were severely injured on the shingles by the +sea, which ran so high that no assistance could +be offered her. About half-past nine a communication +was made with the brig by means +of a hawser. Lieutenant Brunt, of the royal +navy, who happened to be on the spot, seized +the first moment to dash through the surf, and +at the imminent hazard of his life succeeded in +bringing ashore two female passengers, a lady +and her daughter, who, by the occasional gleams +of moonlight were discernible lashed to one of +the masts of the vessel, making signs of distress +and supplication. This is the second instance +in which Lieutenant Brunt has signalised +himself in a similar manner. Three men have +been unfortunately lost, but as the weather has +moderated, it is thought the brig may be ultimately +got off.”</p> + +<p>“There’s a go,” said Jack to himself,—“I +wish we had been off to France yesterday—now +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_163">[Pg 163]</span>that’s clear contradiction to my story—I +saw him do it—didn’t look like a lieutenant—pooh!—deuce +take it—that’s bad again—no +sooner out of one scrape than into another.” In +fact, Jack, like all pretenders, was perpetually +dancing the tight rope in constant fear of a +tumble. In the present case his fate was certain, +for there were but two female passengers +on board the brig, and but one man on shore to +save both.</p> + +<p>Perhaps Lord Tom might not see the paper, +or, if he did, might not read the account of the +brig; at all events, it was no use discounting +misadventures: when they came due, if they were +presented, or presented themselves, it was time +enough to meet them:—and so Jack read the +sporting news, and the London news, and +finished his breakfast. Having discovered that +the coach would be up in a few minutes, his +old failing overcame him.</p> + +<p>“Waiter,” said Jack.</p> + +<p>“Yes, sir.”</p> + +<p>“Does the coach, in going through Walmer, +go near the Castle?” said Jack.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_164">[Pg 164]</span></p> + +<p>“Passes the end of the road leading down to +it, sir,” said the man.</p> + +<p>“Oh!” said Jack, affecting to consider, “I +must go to Dover first, but I think my man +may have taken the phaeton direct to Walmer.”</p> + +<p>“Oh, sir,” said the waiter, at once impressed, +as Jack meant he should be, with the idea +that he was going on a visit to the Castle, “I +dare say the coachman would stop while somebody +ran down and enquired.”</p> + +<p>“No, no,” said Jack, “it does not signify, +if he is not there, he has probably gone +through to Dover himself,—it will be all right +in the end, and no mistake.”</p> + +<p>In a few moments the coach drove up; the +instant it stopped, the waiter, anxious to be +most active in the service of the guest, whose +destination he flattered himself he had discovered, +ran into the room to inform him that +one of the duke’s servants, who had come from +the Castle early in the morning, was going +back, and would, perhaps, be able to give some +information on the subject.</p> + +<p>This was a staggerer.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_165">[Pg 165]</span></p> + +<p>“No, no,” said Jack, “<em>he</em> could not know, +because I did not expect my man so soon—no,—no—never +mind.”</p> + +<p>Jack’s distress when he beheld, during the +packing of some parcels into the boot of the +coach, the said waiter in close conversation +with the aforesaid servant, may well be imagined; +and the fact that the aforesaid servant +occupied an outside place, rendered it absolutely +necessary, in order to avoid any farther explanation, +that Jack himself should proceed, +inside. He accordingly enquired if there were +room, and was answered in the affirmative. In +he jumped, valise and all, having the whole interior +of the coach, entirely to himself. In a +few minutes he was again in motion, the coachman +having received directions to take up one, +at “The Standard.”</p> + +<p>Jack did not feel himself at all at his ease +about his last effort at dignity:—his name he +had given—the total absence of servant or +equipage might lead to further enquiries and +discoveries, and he get more deeply involved +in intricacies and embarrassments. However,</p> + +<blockquote> +<p> + “Hope springs eternal in the human breast,” +</p> +</blockquote> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_166">[Pg 166]</span></p> + + +<p>and Jack still fancied something more agreeable +might turn up in his little journey. The +passenger to be taken up at the Standard +might be one of the female sex, who by her +kindness and sociability might make amends +for the treachery of Fanny and the incivility +of her mistress. There was even yet a chance +of an adventure—of some event which, if it +came off, triumphantly, might weigh in the +opposite scale against his defeats and discomfitures.</p> + +<p>As the coach rattled along, towards Walmer, +Jack took all his customary precautions of running +his fingers through his curls, pulling up +his shirt collars, and setting himself generally +in order, so that, when the vehicle stopped at +the corner where the roads divide, he was all +prepared for conquest. Open went the door, +down went the steps, and Jack, longing as lie +was to behold his coming victim, considered +it more becoming his dignity to affect a perfect +indifference, and therefore kept his eyes +filled with an expression of military interest +towards the gates of the Barrack-yard, until he +felt the inclination of the carriage to the weight +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_167">[Pg 167]</span>of the entering passenger, when, turning carelessly +“as it were” round to meet, as he hoped, +the responsive glance of some Walmer beauty, +he beheld squeezing himself into the narrow-door +of the coach, enveloped in an immensely +thick great coat, his dread and abomination, +Mr. Sluys Van Harridick.</p> + +<p>Jack then thought that his measure of calamities +was full even to overflowing.</p> + +<blockquote> +<p class=no-indent> + “Approach thou like the rugged Russian bear,<br> + The arm’d rhinoceros, or the Hyrcan tiger,<br> + Take any shape but that”—— +</p> +</blockquote> + +<p class=no-indent>said Macbeth, and thought John Brag, Esq.—What! +had he waylaid him to revenge himself +for the insults offered him? or was he doomed +to his society to Dover by mere accident?—what +was it?—</p> + +<p>“Ah!” cried Harridick, the moment he had +succeeded in establishing himself in possession +of nearly three-fourths of the coach; “Vot! +here agin,—vy I dought you vas gone—I +no zee you to prakfast—here is your zea monster +come do dravel mid you to Tover.”</p> + +<p>“I’m delighted,” said Jack, looking parsnips.</p> + +<p>“I spect do vind my prig at Tover,” said +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_168">[Pg 168]</span>Harridick, who seemed by his manner either +not to comprehend the compliment of being +called a sea monster, in the full acceptation of +the words, or to treat the intended affront of +his companion with sovereign contempt,—“I +lantet at Teal pecause I like Teal,—I haf known +de lantlaty vor dventy years, ant her hosbond +beforr her—zo I alvays gets ashore dere—to +get my znooze, and leaf my mate do get de +prig into de harbor.”</p> + +<p>“Oh!” said Jack, “then you stay at Dover +while the brig is there.”</p> + +<p>“Do be zure I too,” said Harridick, “and +alldow I am zea monster, I zshall be doo +happy do zee you on poard and plow you +out mid znaps.”</p> + +<p>“You are very kind, sir,” said Jack, still +doubting whether he was in earnest in his +civility, or indeed, whether being “blown +out with snaps” meant anything hospitable +and civil, or exactly the reverse.</p> + +<p>“As ve are alone,” said Harridick, “I +zuppoze you mill haf no hopjecksion do my +avving a whiff. I haf no bipe, hot I aff +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_169">[Pg 169]</span>ghiroots mid amadow do light him mid—mill +you aff von, mid me?”</p> + +<p>“No,” said Jack; “none, I thank you:—but, +pray do you smoke if you like.”</p> + +<p>“I mean do too zo,” said Sluys, opening a +box of particularly fine cigars, striking a light, +and methodically beginning his exercise, to the +utter confusion of Jack, who knew that by the +time he should arrive at “The Ship,” he should +be awfully redolent of the fumes of tobacco, +before noon.</p> + +<p>At this moment the coach stopped to set +down the Duke’s servant, who, having been +informed by the waiter that the little gentleman +with the visionary servant and imaginary +phaeton seemed to be going to the Castle, came +to the window, touched his hat, and asked +whether he should say anything to his man if +the carriage had arrived there.</p> + +<p>“No,” said Jack, “thank you—no—I +shall be back by dinner-time—if I can get +back in time—I—”</p> + +<p>“His Grace isn’t here, sir,” said the servant; +“only if—”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_170">[Pg 170]</span></p> + +<p>“No, no,” said Jack, “I know—no, no—it’s +of no consequence; I dare say my man is gone on +to Dover—thank you—much obliged to you.”</p> + +<p>The servant again touched his hat, and retired. +“All’s right” was the word, and away +went the happy couple of “insides.”</p> + +<p>It was, it must be confessed, a great comfort, +or, as Jack would have called it, “an +’appy release,” that Harridick, who had not +during the night sufficiently</p> + +<blockquote> +<p class=no-indent> + “Unfatigued himself with gentle slumbers,” +</p> +</blockquote> + +<p class=no-indent>still felt drowsy; so that, ere the tip of his +first cigar had faded into ashy paleness, he had +himself subsided into a nap, which greatly +relieved his companion from his apprehensions +with regard to consequences; and left him +luckily in ignorance of the name of his “prig,” +to which otherwise he might have felt himself +bound to pay a visit. The nap continued until +they reached the turning near Dover Castle, +when Brag stopped the coach, and indicated +his desire to walk down into the town by the +short cut, ordering the coachman to send his +valise into “The Ship” as soon as he arrived. +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_171">[Pg 171]</span>By this manœuvre Jack contrived to escape +from the caravan without waking the bear, +and without farther cementing an acquaintance +with one from whom, the moment his dread and +apprehension of him were overcome, he entertained +the most unqualified aversion.</p> + +<p>Away bounded Jack, along the side of the +hill, until, carefully avoiding “The Three +Mackerels,” he cut through the intervening +streets, and <i lang="la">viâ</i> Snargate reached his inn, where +his first enquiries were naturally directed as +to the position of Lord Tom: Lord Tom was +on the pier. Of course, or, as Jack had it, +“in course,” thither Jack repaired; and, sure +enough, there he found his lordship, amidst +a crowd of persons of all sorts and conditions, +who were anxiously watching the process of +warping off the unfortunate brig, of which we +have already heard so much.</p> + +<p>Jack was rather sorry that the brig—or, as +Sluys Von Harridick would have called it, +“the prig”—was the leading object of the +day, inasmuch as it might lead to a discussion +with the young lord as to the paragraph, +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_172">[Pg 172]</span>which had caught his eye, at Deal. +However, Jack proceeded to join his lordship, +who was leaning over the parapet between +two ladies utterly unknown to our +hero.</p> + +<p>“Ah, Jack!” said Lord Tom, in a tone not +quite like that which Jack had been used to—“so, +you are come back. ‘The Ferret’ is gone—eh!”</p> + +<p>“I know, my lord,” said Jack.</p> + +<p>“You are just in time,” said his lordship:—“this +must be a most interesting sight for +<em>you</em>. Why, it could have been no easy work +to get aboard that unfortunate craft by a hawser +in the gale of the night before last.”</p> + +<p>“No,” said Jack, “I never said it was. +The rope was as slippery as an eel; and I’m +sure, now I look at it, I wonder how the deuce +it was done, only when a man makes up his +mind, he don’t stick at trifles.” The reader +will please to observe that Jack’s tone was +somewhat altered—he now put the case hypothetically.</p> + +<p>“I suppose,” said Lord Tom, “you mean +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_173">[Pg 173]</span>to enquire after the ladies whom you rescued; +rely upon it, they will not be ungrateful.”</p> + +<p>“Not I,” said Jack, “I leave all that to +fate. I’m satisfied with having done my +little all; I never make mountains of molehills.”</p> + +<p>“Then,” said Lord Tom, “I positively +declare you do yourself the greatest possible +injustice, and I will not be so careless a +friend as to suffer you to ‘hide your candle +under a bushel.’”</p> + +<p>“My what!” said Jack in an agony. The +shop—the moulds, the sixes and tens, all blazing +at once in his mind’s eye.</p> + +<p>“By your candle,” said Lord Tom, “I +mean your talent and intrepidity. Permit me +to present you to the two ladies whom, at the +hazard of your life, you preserved—Mrs. and +Miss Mervyn—who, I am sure, will be too +happy to award you all the gratitude which +you deserve.”</p> + +<p>The ladies turned round, as if preconcertedly, +and—more shame be to them!—burst +into an immoderate fit of laughter.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_174">[Pg 174]</span></p> + +<p>“I don’t understand this,” said Jack, who, +on the contrary, understood it perfectly.</p> + +<p>“Nor I, sir,” said the elder lady of the +two. “That we were miraculously saved—at +least from what, at the moment, we +thought inevitable destruction, is most true; +but it is to this gentleman we owe our preservation,”—(drawing +forward a short, stubby, +thick-whiskered man, whom Jack in a +moment recognised as having seen on the +beach,)—“Mr. Brunt.”</p> + +<p>“Ha, ha!” said Jack: “that’s the way, +ma’am, some men get credit for what other +men have done.”</p> + +<p>“I recollect you, sir,” said Lieutenant Brunt. +“I saw you—stood next you on the beach—and, +I dare say, you recollect me. I remember +your kindness in offering to hold my cloak +when I started upon my hurried voyage, or +whatever it might be called.”</p> + +<p>“By Jove!” said Lord Tom, calling the +attention of his party to a great effort made by +the men who had the hawser round the capstan +to get the brig off—“she will be saved yet!”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_175">[Pg 175]</span></p> + +<p>The relief that this change of conversation +afforded Jack, was more than compensated by +the evident change which he so clearly observed +in his friend Lord Tom’s manner; and +affecting to be extremely anxious to get a +“good look” at the operation in progress, +he fidgeted himself away as far as possible +from Mrs. and Miss Mervyn and the odious +lieutenant, whose exertions it was perfectly +true he had witnessed, and, like a simpleton, +had appropriated to himself.</p> + +<p>What was he to do:—remain, and battle it +out; or go to “The Ship,” and wait the result? +He felt that he had certainly carried +the joke a little too far, but how to retrace +his steps he did not exactly see. How on +earth could Lord Tom have got acquainted +with the two women who were saved, and +who, instead of being two beautiful girls ready +to eat him up for his gallant exertions in +their rescue from a watery grave, were mother +and daughter, neither beautiful, nor ever +having been so! but then, “Master Shallow +owed him a thousand pounds;” that was +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_176">[Pg 176]</span>his stay—his prop—his support—his safeguard +and security.</p> + +<p>Fortified by this consideration, he remained +on the pier, and eventually rejoined the party. +The attempt to get the brig off succeeded; she +floated, and was soon afterwards towed into the +harbour. The ladies and their preserver took +their leave of Lord Tom, but without bestowing +the slightest notice upon Jack, who cowered +beneath the glance of his lordship, who, to +his mingled surprise, gratification, and regret, +never uttered another syllable upon the subject. +Lord Tom walked towards “The Ship;” +so did Jack—on a parallel line; but Lord +Tom took no more notice of him than if he +had been a stock or a stone. They reached +the inn door; Lord Tom entered the house; +Jack, as usual, followed him,—but Lord Tom +made no sign; and the first mark of recognition +which he received was, to his utter +horror and amazement, from Lord Ilfracombe, +who meeting him in the hall declared himself +quite delighted at renewing the acquaintance +so propitiously begun at “The Duke of +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_177">[Pg 177]</span>Marlborough” near Wigglesford a few weeks +before.</p> + +<p>Brag was now completely taken aback. The +chilling coldness of Lord Tom’s reception in +the first instance struck him hard; the contemptuous +manner in which the rescued ladies +treated him, hit him harder in the second; but +he was so extremely vain and silly, that even +after all these indications, he was not able to +make up his mind whether Lord Ilfracombe were +in earnest or jest when he so warmly expressed +his gratification at again meeting him.</p> + +<p>Still more was he puzzled when his lordship +invited him to luncheon,—a part of +the plan which he had preconcerted, and +which, as his lordship did not then know of +the last exposure of Jack’s humbug with regard +to saving the lives of the ladies in the brig, +he still resolved upon carrying into effect. +That affair, however, in conjunction with a +letter Lord Tom had received from London, +touching the double offer and rejection of +Mrs. Dallington and Blanche Englefield, had +determined his lordship to eject him in a +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_178">[Pg 178]</span>much less ceremonious manner; but as Lord +Ilfracombe knew nothing of this, he insisted +upon Jack’s coming up-stairs, under the arrangement +into which he had previously entered +with his nephew.</p> + +<p>Jack, who took the whole thing <i lang="fr">de bonne foi</i>, +screwed up his curls and settled his collars as +usual, and accompanied the earl to one of the +drawing-rooms where luncheon had been put +down; (after which the party, excepting Lord +Tom, were to start for Canterbury, see its antiquities, +and sleep, on their way to London;) +and was, by his lordship, ushered into the +apartment, in which he found, assembled together, +Lady Ilfracombe, Lord and Lady Dawlish, +and Lady Fanny Smartly.</p> + +<p>Lady Fanny, Jack knew by sight, her ladyship +being a pre-eminent equestrian of the +equestrian order; but the other ladies he did +not recognise, although he concluded that the +elder lady was my lord’s wife. The other couple, +although they were of the party which picked +up the earl at “The Duke of Marlborough,” +he did not at the moment recollect.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_179">[Pg 179]</span></p> + +<p>“Lady Ilfracombe,” said the earl, “let me +present Mr. Brag to you—a great friend of +Tom’s, who will be here presently—and with +whom I passed a remarkably pleasant hour or +two on that wet day when you discovered me +in my shelter from the rain.”</p> + +<p>“Ah!” thought Jack, “then he remembers +it all: what will happen next!—perhaps he +has forgotten some of it—perhaps, if he has +not forgotten, he forgives. What I’m to do, I +don’t know—I’m in for it; and so here goes, +and no mistake.”</p> + +<p>“That <em>was</em> a dreadful wet day, my lord,” +said Jack; “I had no idea at the time whom +I had the honour of speaking to, but when +one is at an inn whatever comes uppermost +comes out—and—I—dare say I talked a little +too fast.”</p> + +<p>“Not a bit,” said the earl. “My great object, +besides the pleasure of having your society +at luncheon and gratifying Tom, is to undeceive +you as to our real characters. We are not the +‘kill-joys and wet-blankets’ you take us for.”—“Come, +Lady Ilfracombe, let us sit down; +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_180">[Pg 180]</span>Tom will be here immediately,—we have no +time to lose.”</p> + +<p>The bell was rung, the servants appeared, the +little party were soon seated; but before fork +had assailed a chicken’s breast, or knife been +flourished over it, Lord Tom himself entered +the room evidently excited.</p> + +<p>“My lord,” said Lord Tom, addressing +himself to the earl, “I feel it my duty to undeceive +you, as I am myself undeceived, in the +character of a person in this room, who is only +protected by being in it, in the character of my +uncle’s guest. He has now the assurance to sit +down in the presence of Lady Fanny Smartly, +with whom he claimed to you a personal intimacy; +he has the impudence to sit next Lady +Dawlish, my cousin, whose person he ridiculed +without being acquainted with it; he libelled +you, sir, without ever having seen you; and, +in short has exhibited himself in the most contemptible +possible character. This, at your +lordship’s desire, I would have overlooked, in +order to carry on the jest a little further, and +have had the satisfaction of marching him out +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_181">[Pg 181]</span>with all the honours of ridicule; but circumstances +have come to my knowledge this day +which render it my duty to insist upon his instantly +quitting this room. How he has the +audacity to sit down in the society of ladies +whom he has vilified, and of men whom he has +aspersed, it is for him to decide; but since I +have had the misfortune of associating him in +the slightest degree with my family,—which be +it observed, I have carefully abstained from doing, +whenever it was possible,—I feel it due to +them to evince my feelings by desiring, or, if +necessary, by ordering him out.”</p> + +<p>“My dear Tom!” said Lord Ilfracombe,—and +the ladies looked aghast.</p> + +<p>“Come, sir!” said Lord Tom;—“I have +to apologize, my dear aunt, for this course, +but it is the only one;—walk out—with +me, if you please, sir.”</p> + +<p>“Oh!” said Jack, rising from his seat, “in +course; if your lordship goes out too, there +can be no difficulty whatsoever—only I don’t +understand—I know something which may, +perhaps, make a difference.”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_182">[Pg 182]</span></p> + +<p>“Whatever difference there is between us, +sir,” said Lord Tom, “shall be settled immediately.”</p> + +<p>“My dear Tom,” said Lady Ilfracombe,—“what +do you mean?”</p> + +<p>“Nothing to be alarmed about, my dear +madam,” said Tom. “I shall be back in +five minutes at the farthest.”</p> + +<p>Lord Ilfracombe, who had really intended to +have a good joke out of the affair, and have +regularly presented Jack by degrees to Lady +Dawlish, the “winky-eyed, waxy doll of the +toy-shop,” and the “monstrous bore” Dawlish, +and so on, until he had shamed him +laughingly out of his absurd propensity to +talk big, was seriously vexed at the manner in +which his nephew had lost his temper and taken +the matter up; but the truth really was, that +the conduct of the man had grown unbearable. +The scandal of the affair in London had made +him ridiculous beyond measure, and the last +event of the preservation of the distressed +“females” crowned the whole.</p> + +<p>Jack certainly felt extremely awkward in +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_183">[Pg 183]</span>getting up from the table at which he had +placed himself so comfortably; but, embarrassing +as was the movement, he still chuckled +at the thought of having Lord Tom in Dover +gaol before sunset: he never travelled without +his lordship’s I. O. U.’s carefully deposited in a +Russia leather pocket-book; and his lordship, +as he felt, might be secure that if <em>he</em> did not +ride his lordship’s horses at Paris on the next +Sunday, his lordship would not be at Paris to +see them run.</p> + +<p>When Jack rose, which he found inevitable,—for, +spite of Lord Ilfracombe and the compassionate +ladies, Tom was inexorable,—he said,</p> + +<p>“Well,—I didn’t expect this—I was +asked by Lord Ilfracombe to luncheon—I did +not force myself here;—and I <em>do</em> think—considering—however—I +say nothing;—but in +the presence of females—I do not think this +altogether proper;—however, ‘might overcomes +right’—and I—can only—add—I wish your +lordship and the ladies a good morning. It is +hard treatment, but I’ll be even with somebody +that you may rely upon, and no mistake.”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_184">[Pg 184]</span></p> + +<p>“Now, Mr. Brag,” said Lord Tom when +they left the apartment, “just step into this +room, and hear what I have to say.”</p> + +<p>“Oh, in course,” said Jack.</p> + +<p>“From the time I first made your acquaintance +on the course at Epsom, I always treated +you like a gentleman,” said Lord Tom; “I introduced +you to my friends—you lived with +me—I took you to Mrs. Dallington’s—all that +story, sir, I have heard. You meet my uncle +accidentally—you vilify him to his face, traduce +me and the ladies of my family. You +render me ridiculous wherever I take you—you +insult everybody you come near—and you wind +up with telling me a distinct and deliberate falsehood +with regard to your exploits in saving two +ladies the night before last, whose faces you did +not even know when you saw them this morning. +All this you do. Now, I only ask you, can +you be surprised that I am in the highest degree +enraged with you?”</p> + +<p>“Not a bit,” said Jack; “I dare say you +are very right, and I am very wrong: but you +forget, my Lord Tom, one part of the story—I +mean the money you have borrowed of me;—if +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_185">[Pg 185]</span>that has slipped <em>your</em> memory, it has not slipped +<em>mine</em>,—and I will take care that you shall +not slip <em>me</em>, for, by Job—”</p> + +<p>“Don’t make a noise, sir,” said Lord Tom; +“give me back my <i lang="fr">bons</i> or whatever securities +you have of mine, and I’ll pay you down every +shilling upon that account; and thank you, not +only for the accommodation you have afforded +me, but for the lesson you have taught me, +as to making friendships, which I shall not, I +think, easily forget.”</p> + +<p>“What! are you going to pay me?” said +Jack.</p> + +<p>“To the last farthing, sir,” said Lord Tom.</p> + +<p>“Why, then,” said Jack, “that’s more than +I ever expected. I’ve got your <i lang="fr">bons</i> and +your I. O. U.’s all here in my pocket-book. +Stop,—let’s see; there—”</p> + +<p>“Take your time,” said Lord Tom; “I +don’t want to hurry you.”</p> + +<p>“There,” said Jack; “two hundred and +twenty—one hundred and ten—one hundred. +That’s all.”</p> + +<p>“Four hundred and thirty pounds,” said +Lord Tom.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_186">[Pg 186]</span></p> + +<p>“Exactly so,” said Jack; “but I say—I +won’t take a cheque.”</p> + +<p>“But you <em>will</em> be impertinent,” replied my +lord. “Here, sir; here are the four hundred +and thirty pounds in bank-notes. Count them, +sir; look at them.”</p> + +<p>“It’s all right, and no mistake,” said Jack, +looking over the paper.</p> + +<p>“Here perish all my <i lang="fr">bons</i>!” said Lord Tom, +tearing them up, “and, I hope, with them, all +my absurdities. To be sure, I am easily deceived.”</p> + +<p>“Yes, very; you are what I call, as innocent +as a lamb,” said Jack. “Stories <em>may</em> come out. +I say nothing.”</p> + +<p>“Do you mean to insinuate?” said his lordship.</p> + +<p>“I insinuate nothing,” said Jack, “but I +wish you a very good day. Boaster and humbug +as you call me, I’ve done one thing to-day +that would puzzle a philosopher. I’ll be +hanged if I haven’t got four hundred and +thirty pounds out of an empty pocket! That’s +what I call coming it strong. I’ve lost the +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_187">[Pg 187]</span>honour of your lordship’s acquaintance,—that’s +a misfortune; but I’ve got my money back, +and that’s a capital set-off <i lang="la">per contra</i>, and no +mistake.”</p> + +<p>“With this moment, sir, all connexion between +us ceases,” said Lord Tom.</p> + +<p>“Thank you, my lord,” said Jack; “good +morning!”</p> + +<p>Lord Tom, who was exceedingly agitated +during this burst, returned to the drawing-room, +and the reproaches of the ladies for his +cruelty towards the little man; and Brag, the +moment his lordship had disappeared, leaned +over the balusters and cried in a loud and +commanding tone—</p> + +<p>“Waiter!”</p> + +<p>“Yes, sir?”</p> + +<p>“Order me a chaise and four to Hythe +directly.”</p> + +<p>“Yes, sir.”</p> + +<p>“And”—in a louder tone of voice—“bring +me my bill—a bottle of soda-water, and change +for a hundred-pound note!”</p> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> +<div class="chapter"> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_188">[Pg 188]</span></p> + + + <h2 class="nobreak" id="CHAPTER_V"> + CHAPTER V. + </h2> +</div> + + +<p>While these events were occurring on the +sea-shore, matters were progressing, as the +Americans have it, in the metropolis, and the +two pair of lovers enjoying a felicity to which, +spite of all their inclinations and affections, +they had previously been strangers. Rushton, +taught by the precepts and encouraged by the +practice of Sir Charles, began to think that a +woman might be lively without being vicious, +sad without thinking of his rivals, and civil to +her acquaintance without being a coquette; +while Sir Charles, assured of Mrs. Dallington’s +esteem, began to appreciate the merits of her +character, and understand, which to him were +before incomprehensible, the fluctuations of +spirits and variation of temper which he had +frequently remarked, but which, until the +recent <i lang="fr">éclaircissement</i> took place, he never suspected +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_189">[Pg 189]</span>to have their origin in his own coldness +and apparent indecision.</p> + +<p>Out of evil comes good; and, whatever faults +Mr. Brag possessed, he certainly had the merit +of bringing matters in the Dallington family to +a crisis. The double marriage already began to +be spoken of, and hints were even given upon +the subject in the fashionable intelligence of the +Morning Post.</p> + +<p>Of the other party, the Browns and Meads, +we know enough for the present; they are on +their way to Paris, as happy as may be, having +left Mrs. Brown the elder, who declined the tour, +at the doctor’s house in Burlington Gardens, +where she was to reside, even after her daughter’s +return from the Continent, which could not +long be delayed, in consequence of Mead’s professional +engagements in London.</p> + +<p>While these quieter persons are moving regularly +in their proper spheres, it becomes our +duty to regard the movements of the exploded +Jack, with the same sort of attention which +we bestow upon the wrigglings and twistings of +the animalculæ in the great microscope, the +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_190">[Pg 190]</span>natural insignificance of which render the developement +of their limbs and motions matters +of interest, being such as to leave their distinctive +characteristics perfectly invisible to the +naked eye.</p> + +<p>The bill was scarcely paid, and the change +settled, before Jack’s terribly alarming post-chaise +and four rattled up to the street-door of +“The Ship,” making the cliffs reverberate with +its clatter, and—</p> + +<blockquote> +<p class=no-indent> + “——the very stones prate at its whereabout.” +</p> +</blockquote> + +<p class=no-indent>Open flew the door—bang went the steps—pop +went the cork of the bottle of soda-water—down +went the draught at full speed, nearly +choking the patient, or rather the impatient, +with its effervescence—and at three skips +and a jump the little man sprang into the +“carriage,” and throwing himself into one of +its corners, as if anxious to conceal himself +from the anxious gaze of the public, not one +of whom was looking at him, away he went, +boiling with rage and foaming with vexation, +and resolved to pay Lord Tom off in his own +coin, and no mistake.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_191">[Pg 191]</span></p> + +<p>Little did the furious John know what he +was driving to; little did he anticipate what +was to happen to him at Eastbourn, which +was his eventual place of destination, or what +strange events his sudden dismissal from the +friendship of Lord Tom was to bring about. +The immediate purpose of his soul was to reach +Hastings that night, in time to despatch a +letter to his mother, directing her <em>not</em> to direct +his letters to Paris.</p> + +<p>Arrived at Hythe, Jack’s fever had by no +means subsided; yet, upon ascertaining the +hour at which the post left Hastings, and feeling +certain, since he did not mean to “carry +on” with four horses, that he should not arrive +there in time to despatch his filial epistle by +the night’s mail, he resolved to rest for an +hour or two where he was, until he saw the +boys returning with the chaise to Dover, so +that by no means it might be discovered that +he had discarded his leaders, (as men sometimes +in a pet, feel very much inclined to do,)—and +that he might have time to write his letter, +which he did, in the following terms:—</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_192">[Pg 192]</span></p> + +<blockquote> +<p class="right"> + “White Hart, Hythe,<br> + Thursday evening.<br> + <br> +</p> +<p> + “<span class="smcap">My dear Mother</span>, +</p> + +<p>“I wrote to you yesterday from Deal; and, +as Jem Salmon would say, a deal has been +doing since I wrote. After having seen Brown +and his new wife, and having been bullied, as +I told you, by the doctor to whom that snivelling +Nance is married, I thought there was an +end; so in course, I went back as soon as the +smoke of the Ferret, the steamer in which +they crossed, told me they were off. I had +a very pleasant ride to Dovor, for I had made +an acquaintance with an uncommon gentlemanly +man, a captain of a Dutch man-of-war +lying off that port, with whom I was so much +pleased that I gave him up my sleeping-room, +which in course was the crack apartment of the +hotel where I lodged. So, in the morning, he +would insist upon attending me back. Indeed, +it was generally supposed I was going on +a visit to the Castle; and it was with great +trouble I undeceived them, for, being so much +with the nobility in these parts, in course they +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_193">[Pg 193]</span>took for granted ten thousand things which +one can’t help.</p> + +<p>“Well, when I arrived at Dovor,” for so +Mr. Brag thought it uncommonly smart, to +spell it, “I found Lord Tom with a couple of +females talking, on the pier, which somehow I +did not like;—I am, my dear mother, very particular +in that respect;—so, directly I saw it, +I said to Lord Tom, ‘Tom,’ says I, ‘this won’t +do before people of character,’ and that kind of +thing—and so I walks right away.</p> + +<p>“Well, up I goes to ‘The Ship;’—that’s the +inn here, the only place a man of any character +can go to, and where in course I am uncommon +well known;—and who should I see there +but old Ilfracombe, Tom’s uncle,—a kind of a +bore of a lord whom I have always made a +point of shirking, with his wife, and son, and +daughter-in-law, and a Lady Fanny Smartly, +which rides in the Park. So when I goes in—‘Jack,’ +says my lord, ‘I’m delighted to see +you. Where’s Tom?’ meaning Lord Tom Towzle, +which is his nephew. Says I, ‘My lord, +I can’t say; I have left him on the pier with +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_194">[Pg 194]</span>two rum ones.’ Upon which my lord says, +‘Never mind <em>him</em>; come up and have some +luncheon.’ I said, ‘My Lord,’ says I, ‘I never +lunches.’ But that war’nt no go; he would not +have it at no price. ‘Come along, Jack,’ says +he, and up he drags me, smack smooth into +the room with all his relations, and no mistake. +I’d rather have been in a pigstye; however, +Lady Dawlish and Lady Fanny smothered me +with kindness, and I was forced to sit down +and sham eating; which, in course, I did.</p> + +<p>“Well! in comes Lord Tom; and he was in +a regular humour because I would not speak +to the two promiscuous females which he was +parading about with. So I stands no nonsense, +but ups to him in a minute, like a game cock, +before the females and all, and just gave him +as good as he could bring. I told him my +mind, and pitched into him about the money +he owed me. Had him there!—in course he +couldn’t stump a dump: so I just shook my +whip—it was my little whip—right before +him, and I says, ‘Good by’e, my lord! When +you learn manners, we associate together again; +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_195">[Pg 195]</span>for the present I cut you,—not with <em>this</em>,’ +says I, shaking my little Crowther again right +in his face; ‘but the next time I see you, by +Job I’ll have my money out of you!’ With +that, he walked away just like a dog with his +tail what the soldiers call countermarched; +a regular try-back, and run into the kennel +amongst the females of his family.</p> + +<p>“And see what a fool he is: I was to ride +for him on the Champy Mas at Paris next Sunday—got +my new jacket all ready:—and now +he’ll lose that, and no mistake. So instead of +stepping over the herring-pond, I am going to +Eastbourne, which is a nice, retired place, and +where I hope you will send me down fifty or +a hundred pounds; for to tell you, my dear +mother, the plain truth,—I’m stumped. So +don’t forget, and direct to the hotel, Eastbourne.</p> + +<p class="p4 right"> + “Yours affectionately, +</p> +<p class="p2 right"> + “<span class="smcap">John Brag</span>. +</p> + +<p>“P. S.—Tell me something about Kitty: I +can’t make it out. Brown has got one child, +and two carriages:—there’s a go!”</p> +</blockquote> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_196">[Pg 196]</span></p> + +<p>When he had written and sealed this, he +enquired, as usual, of the waiter, the way to +the Post-Office; and having been properly directed, +himself slipped his packet into the box. +The epistle despatched, Jack got into his new +chaise, and proceeded towards the place of his +destination with a “happy pair” of posters.</p> + +<p>It was lateish in the evening when he reached +Hastings, and was driven to that admirable +inn, “The Swan,” which certainly combines +all the attributes which a man does not require +in a house of the sort at a watering-place. +Jack, however, bundled out of his yellow-and-two, +and being in no humour to soliloquize, +betook himself to the ill-smelling coffee-room, +and contented himself with ordering a bed, +and—as he seldom failed to do—a preparatory +glass of hot brandy and water. Dinner he had +had none—(his appetite was not particularly +sharp under all the circumstances)—but, by +way of what he called a “stay” to his stomach, +he told the waiter to bring him a sandwich—the +only single word in the English language +which comprehensively describes in a dissyllable, +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_197">[Pg 197]</span>dirt, butter, and mustard, laid between +two bits of stale bread.</p> + +<p>As for Hastings—Jack cared nothing. Whether +it had been founded by Jack Hastings, the +Danish pirate, or whether Athelstan had coined +money in it, was all one to him:—Whether +Robert, earl of Eu, or John de Dreux, had the +better right to the castle, disturbed not Jack; +nor, in the present temper of his mind, would he +have cared one pin, if, after the French burned +it in 1377, it had never been rebuilt. He was, +as he told his mother, regularly “stumped”—not +exactly in the way he wished to make her +believe—but still, stumped he was: and perhaps +never did little man experience fall so +sudden or deep as that by which Jack had +been afflicted during the last four-and-twenty +hours.</p> + +<p>It was impossible, however, for the little +man to withstand the impulse of his inherent +infirmity:—the old, stale, worn-out trick of +asking after his servant and carriage, was again +played off at “The Swan.”</p> + +<p>“No, sir,” was, of course, the answer to +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_198">[Pg 198]</span>the enquiries if his man and phaeton had +arrived.</p> + +<p>“I told him to come here,” said Jack, who, +till he reached the place, did not even know +that the sign of the inn was “The Swan.”</p> + +<p>“I’ll send to enquire, sir,” said an officious +waiter; “he may have gone to some other +house. What name shall I say?”</p> + +<p>“Brag,” said Jack;—“and, stay—if he +should be at any other inn by mistake, tell +him to bring me up the large leather case with +my writing-desk, and the small one with my +dressing-case—and the brown cloak lined with +fur:—remember, the brown one—not the blue.—But +I’d bet my life he has made some infernal +mistake.”</p> + +<p>Away went the man. Jack had gratified his +ruling passion, and again fell into no pleasing +reverie.</p> + +<p>It was in this state of mind that Jack sat +looking at the “drink,” which had been placed +before him until his eyes seemed to swim in the +glass. The time began to verge on nine o’clock +when a sort of scuffling noise outside the coffee-room +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_199">[Pg 199]</span>door aroused his attention; and turning +his eyes to the source of the disturbance, he beheld +a slim, pale, and what is called an “interesting-looking” +man, enter the room somewhat +feebly, assiduously wrapped up in divers +and sundry coats and cloaks; his face peeping +out from under a fanciful kind of foraging cap, +overlaid by a pink silk handkerchief, looking +like the pale queen of Night peeping to earth +through some intervening clouds.</p> + +<p>Jack saw that the approaching object was +what he considered “uncommon genteel;” and +when it threw itself down upon a seat in a +state of exhaustion, he began to think he had +discovered somebody upon whom he might make +an impression—in whom he might find an agreeable +listener;—which was, after all, his notion—when +he could find one—of a pleasant companion.</p> + +<p>“Pay the chairmen,” said the stranger to +the waiter, “and tell Rummagee-Doss to bring +me some Eau de Cologne.”</p> + +<p>The waiter disappeared.</p> + +<p>“I beg your pardon, sir,” said the stranger +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_200">[Pg 200]</span>to Brag, “but I am a sad invalid,—and so +hipped and wretched—upon my life, I declare, +I can’t tell how:—so low and miserable from +ill health, that I prefer this corner of the coffee-room +to any private room of my own—and, +I am afraid, I cause a great deal of inconvenience. +I declare, I wouldn’t for the world, +if I—”</p> + +<p>“None in the least,” said Jack. “Don’t +mind <em>me</em>, sir; I’m not particular any how:—take +everything as it comes—straight up, +right down, and no mistake.”</p> + +<p>“I have just arrived from India,” said the +stranger. “I never suffered anything like the +wretchedness of the voyage: such a set of people!—no +sentiment—no delicacy about them;—so +rough and noisy,—and I so extremely indisposed!—so, +the moment I could, I got on +shore here. The purser of the ship—a great +coarse creature, who used to laugh all day long +like a hyæna—landed here with letters and +things, all about business, for those people +in Leadenhall Street; and so I—it was a very +lucky chance—I said I would land here too:—I +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_201">[Pg 201]</span>brought nothing but half a dozen packages +of things I wanted, and my man, Rummagee-Doss, +just to take care of me a little;—I only +came ashore yesterday—and I have been to take +a warm bath, and I feel a great deal better already; +for the nasty smell of the ship, and such +a great deal of talking, and playing games and +romps, and a parcel of women who had no sympathy +for a sick creature like me, quite upset me,—I +really never was so overcome in all my life!”</p> + +<p>“It must be a deuce of a bore,” said Jack, +“being boxed up for half a year in one of those +great arks.”</p> + +<p>“Oh! sir,” said the stranger, “you have +no idea of the misery of it!—and the man—the +captain—had nothing in the world to make +one comfortable. He had tea, but no milk—his +cow died; and not a drop of lemonade was +to be got—nothing but wine and beer, and those +things, which one can’t drink you know—and +no pastry after the first five weeks! Oh! if +you knew what I have suffered, sir, you would +excuse any little trouble I give.”</p> + +<p>Hereabouts entered a fine-looking piece of +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_202">[Pg 202]</span>brown humanity, done up in muslin, with a +high-caste yellow streak down his forehead, +bearing a bottle of Eau de Cologne, who turned +out to be Rummagee-Doss, the stranger’s +Kitmagar.</p> + +<p>“You don’t dislike <em>this</em>, do you, sir?” said +the stranger, holding up the Eau de Cologne +bottle.</p> + +<p>“On the contrary,” said Jack, “quite the +reverse, and no mistake.”</p> + +<p>“<i lang="fr">Jou</i>,” said the stranger, and the muslin +and streak retired.</p> + +<p>“That’s a rummish cut of a toggery,” said +Jack, who had never seen an Oriental attendant +before.</p> + +<p>“A what!” said the stranger.</p> + +<p>“Curious dress,” said Jack.</p> + +<p>“Pretty and picturesque,” said the stranger, +“ill suited to this climate. I don’t mean to +keep him in England—he is an excellent creature—and +so affectionate—I never saw so much +kindness—all during my illness—so sick. I +declare—well I never did—”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_203">[Pg 203]</span></p> + +<p>“I’m not used to that sort of thing,” said +Jack; “however, if you are not going to turn in +just yet, I’ll order another glass of ‘hot with’ +just to keep you company.”</p> + +<p>“Do,—you are <em>so</em> good,” said the stranger, +twisting himself about gracefully; “I am sure +we shall be great friends by and bye. I am going +to have a little weak tea, and I have taken +such a fancy to a raspberry tart, I think I shall +indulge myself—for I am very unwell.”</p> + +<p>“Tea and tarts,” said Jack, “that’s what I +call a queer cross; but I suppose you chaps +from the East have a great many varieties of +feed of which we know nothing.”</p> + +<p>“It is extremely agreeable there,” said the +stranger, “but I have such wretched health +that I cannot enjoy anything.”</p> + +<p>At this period of the dialogue, the waiter +arrived with a tray, on which a tea equipage +was arranged, and sure enough, three raspberry +tartlets, ovals of jam covered with a trelliage of +pastry, which might be heraldically described +as “Gules, fretty of Or,” but in which no reasonable +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_204">[Pg 204]</span>mortal—“not to speak it profanely,” +above the age of thirteen, indulges in the way +of eating. Jack looked, wondered at the taste +of his companion, and ordered a replenishment +of his glass.</p> + +<p>“I shan’t discommode you,” said Jack, +“shall I?—I’m not for late sitting, but, +finding a gentleman to converse with, why, +I think, eleven or so a goodish hour to turn +in, and no mistake.”</p> + +<p>“I shall be delighted,” said the stranger. +“Oh dear! this tea is so strong—Qui hi—oh, +I forget I am—Rummagee—oh dear dear.—Waiter”—</p> + +<p>“Shall I ring the bell?” said Jack.</p> + +<p>“Oh don’t let me trouble you, sir,” said the +stranger.</p> + +<p>The waiter luckily appeared—more grog +was brought for Jack, and a little more hot +water for his companion.</p> + +<p>“Have you been long in India, sir?” said +Jack—who began to feel his natural desire to +“find out” anything come strongly upon him.</p> + +<p>“Only a few years,” said the stranger. “I +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_205">[Pg 205]</span>did uncommonly well at first, for my mother, +who is an excellent woman—indeed I don’t +know how to speak of her in terms strong +enough, for I declare I never did see such a +creature—got a friend of hers to put me on +his staff.”</p> + +<p>“Oh!” said Jack, stirring his grog, but +not at all comprehending the precise nature of +the advantage to be derived from what appeared +to him a very extraordinary position.</p> + +<p>“But at last,” said the stranger, “I could +not bear the tyranny of the old creature of a +general, so I left him and joined my regiment; +but when I got to it, the sun was so hot, and the +duty so hard, it was too much for me; so I +got sick leave, and I must say I never saw such +handsome treatment in my life; everybody—I +declare they did—even nasty creatures whom +I hated—all of them were ready to bear witness +to my illness, and to get me home the very moment +I expressed a desire that way.”</p> + +<p>It is a remarkable fact that people of education +and even general knowledge and experience, +and all of them therefore wonderfully superior +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_206">[Pg 206]</span>to Jack Brag, have such strange and ill-arranged +notions of our Indian empire,—for so it +may be called—that the sharpest and cleverest +of them will ask a man who has arrived from +the East, if he happen to know Mr. Hawkins, +or Mr. Jenkins, or Mr. Tomkins, who went to +India about ten years before; without reference +to the Presidency to which he went, or even +the service in which he was engaged, which, as +they who know the truth, know, is something +tantamount to a Bengallee asking an Englishman +if he knows Mr. Smith of Great Britain; +the extent of territory in the one, equalizing +the numerical superiority in population in the +other.</p> + +<p>If wise men and clever men, and clever women +and wise men, ask such questions of returning +Indians, is it to be wondered that Jack +Brag, who knew no more about India than +Chaucer did, should venture to inquire something +about his horror, Brown, and, what +really <em>was</em> interesting to him, the fate of +Brown’s wife? Of course the reader must +think that Brag would make those researches +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_207">[Pg 207]</span>after his own fashion; and so he did—but +he <em>did</em> make them.</p> + +<p>“I,” said Brag, drawing himself up, and +setting his neckcloth to rights—“I had some +connexions in India—but they, like you, +have come home—extremely rich and all +that—stumpy down, and no mistake;—left +them at Dover—cause indeed of my coming +here on my way to meet a friend of mine, +at Eastbourn;—they are off to France—excellent +people—I have a very high regard +for them.”</p> + +<p>“What part of India do they come from?” +said the stranger, bathing his temples with one +hand, and eating a tartlet with the other.</p> + +<p>“What part!” said Jack, “Oh—I—I—don’t +know—India—somewhere about—”</p> + +<p>“What is the name of your friend?” said the +stranger.</p> + +<p>“His name,” said Jack, “I should think, +must be pretty well known in those parts;—Brown +is his name.”</p> + +<p>“Brown!” said the stranger, “dear me!—a +gentleman!—”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_208">[Pg 208]</span></p> + +<p>“Why,” said Brag, “I don’t say much, sir,—but, +as I have already said he is a near connexion +of mine, I need not, I suppose, answer +your question—eh!—don’t you think so?—I’m +plain spoken—straight up, right down, +and no mistake. He’s a deuced fine fellow, +with a deuced handsome fortune, and married +to my sister.”</p> + +<p>“Oh!” said the stranger, “Ah!—then I +don’t know;—but I <em>did</em> know a great horrid +creature in India with a carman’s shoulders +and balustrade legs.—Oh—such a man—of +the name of Brown, whose behaviour to a +young delicate creature, the daughter of the +general, to whom I was aid-de-camp, absolutely +drove me out of India—that is—in +point of fact—”</p> + +<p>“Oh,” said Jack, “that cannot be <em>my</em> brother-in-law; +he is a regular good fellow; prime +chap! what I call a regular switcher, and no +mistake.”</p> + +<p>“Upon my word,” said the stranger, “you +<em>do</em> talk so!—a switcher!—I don’t in the least +understand you. The dreadful man, I mean, +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_209">[Pg 209]</span>was a serjeant in some regiment, who came +out with a wife. Oh, if you had but seen +her—such a monster!—all I don’t know how—so +coarse, and that kind of thing, who +voted herself a beauty; and so, somehow for +<em>her</em> sake, he wanted to be made a gentleman +of.”</p> + +<p>“Yes, sir,” said Jack, beginning to grow +rather suspicious that his cast had been too +good.</p> + +<p>“I declare I never saw anything like those +people,” said the stranger; “so impudent, so +pushing, and so rude! However, it did; it +answered; and a man—a major—kind of secretary +in the general’s office, took a fancy to +him—Heaven knows why, <em>I</em> never could see +anything about him to admire—and made +him his clerk: from <em>that</em>, you would hardly +believe it, he became first an officer, then an +aid-de-camp, and at last—but then, there is +such a long fie-fie story about that—he married +the general’s daughter!”</p> + +<p>“What!” said Jack, affecting perfect indifference, +his cheeks red as fire and his hands +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_210">[Pg 210]</span>cold as ice, “while his other wife was +alive?”</p> + +<p>“Oh dear no!” said the stranger; “she was +dead. She was a very naughty woman, quite +paw, paw!”</p> + +<p>“Quite what?” said Jack.</p> + +<p>“Oh you understand what I mean,” said +Fripps, (for Narcissus it was, who spoke,) +patting his arm,—“quite fie, fie!”</p> + +<p>“I don’t know what you mean,” said Jack, +nevertheless shrewdly guessing—hating the +half-uttered monosyllabic and mincing manner +of his raspberry-eating associate, and feeling, +callous as he was, something like a reflective +affection for his sister,—“What did she +do?”</p> + +<p>“Oh,” said Fripps, “I can’t tell you;—upon +my word something so shocking—and—I +never did—it was—oh, very bad!”</p> + +<p>“And,” said Jack, his lips quivering, “what—what +became of her?”</p> + +<p>“They buried her, poor thing!” said Fripps.</p> + +<p>“But—but,” said Jack, “tell me, if you +please, sir, was she parted from George before +<em>that</em>?”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_211">[Pg 211]</span></p> + +<p>“George!” said Fripps; “what—do you +know <em>this</em> Brown too?”</p> + +<p>“No,” said Jack; “no, no—I—don’t know +him—eh! You said his name was George—didn’t +you? She—I—should like to know +about <em>her</em>—that’s all. You have made me +wish to know—that’s all.”</p> + +<p>“What a dear sympathetic mind you have!” +said Fripps; “but let me beg you not to trouble +yourself about tipsy Kitty!”</p> + +<p>“There,” said Jack,—“you see—you call <em>her</em> +Kitty.—Well, you called <em>him</em> George.—You +did not recollect; and so—she—she—”</p> + +<p>“She,” said Fripps, “first took to drinking, +and then—then—don’t you know?—she left +this great odious Brown—ran away from him.”</p> + +<p>“Oh,” said Jack; “ah—yes, yes; that’s +natural.”</p> + +<p>“And as everybody said,” said Fripps, “as +they do when a man dies after a long illness, it +was a happy release.”</p> + +<p>“Yes, so it was—that’s what <em>I</em> often say.—Poor +Kitty!” muttered Jack, to himself—but +audibly striking his hand upon the table; +“Poor soul—poor soul!”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_212">[Pg 212]</span></p> + +<p>“There it is again,” said Fripps; “now +you say Kitty.”</p> + +<p>“<em>You</em> said Kitty,” said Jack; “how else +should I know?”</p> + +<p>“There was nothing romantic about her,” +said Fripps; “she was a dowdy-looking +thing, the daughter of a candle-maker somewhere +in London; and this Brown persuaded +her that he was an officer, and so +she ran away with him, and, as she told a +friend of mine, who really—upon my word—I +declare—people <em>do</em> such things in +India—used to meet her and talk to her, +sometimes in the evening after she had gone +away from cantonments,—she had a brother, +who helped her to run away with Brown, as +she told <em>him</em>, because he himself wanted to +be very civil indeed to Brown’s sister—don’t +you see?”</p> + +<p>“Yes,” said Jack; not lifting his eyes from +the table—“Umph!—I do—I see it all.”</p> + +<p>“It is so strange,” said Fripps, “that you +should have asked me about anybody of such a +common name as Brown in all India, and that +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_213">[Pg 213]</span>I should have been able to give you such a +comical history. However, as I told you, <em>this</em> +Brown afterwards married the general’s daughter, +and when <em>that</em> happened, I gave up my +staff appointment,—I could not stop in the +place,—and so Brown succeeded me, and then +the general died, and left him the whole of his +large fortune.”</p> + +<p>“He did, did he?” said Jack; “why then—” +swallowing at one gulp the remainder of his +grog—“that—eh!—that was—straight up, +right down, and no mistake!”—and the laugh +that followed the words was hollow and sepulchral.</p> + +<p>“What office did your relation fill in India?” +said Fripps.</p> + +<p>“I forget, at the moment,” said Jack.</p> + +<p>“Was he civil or military?” said Fripps.</p> + +<p>“Very civil, I believe,” said Jack; “but—I +don’t know.”</p> + +<p>“No, but,” said Fripps, “I mean, was he a +civilian or a soldier?”</p> + +<p>“I forget,” said Jack, who was quite “toppled +over” himself for once, “but we’ll—that +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_214">[Pg 214]</span>is, if you have no objection—talk this over in +the morning. I’m what you call, right slick +stumped; I have been riding hard all the +forenoon, and am regularly done. Perhaps +we shall meet at breakfast, sir.”</p> + +<p>“I shall be so happy you can’t think!” said +Fripps. “I shall try and get up towards town +to-morrow in the course of the day, perhaps as +far as Tunbridge Wells. But that will make +no difference; and I shall be quite delighted to +renew our acquaintance in London when we +meet there.”</p> + +<p>“You are uncommon good,” said Jack; “I +shall be very glad indeed”—at the same time +ringing the bell for a light. In a minute or +two more he quitted the room, with a bow to +Fripps, who seemed greatly disappointed at the +growing want of cordiality which he thought +he had discovered in Jack’s manner, as their +dialogue had advanced.</p> + +<p>So, however, they parted for the night.</p> + +<p>In a few minutes afterwards, Fripps rang to +give Rummagee-Doss notice of his approach +to rest; and while he was half leaning, half +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_215">[Pg 215]</span>lolling on the table, on the edge of his departure +for his room, he incidentally asked +the waiter if he knew the name of the gentleman +who had just retired.</p> + +<p>“The gentleman’s name is Brag, sir,” said +the man.</p> + +<p>“Brag!” said Fripps; “you don’t mean +that!—well! if ever—”</p> + +<p>“That is the gentleman’s name, sir,” replied +the man.</p> + +<p>“Well then, if ever I did”—said Fripps. +“What time is he going in the morning?”</p> + +<p>“He has ordered horses at nine, sir,” said +the man. “The chaise is to follow him to St. +Leonard’s, as he means to walk on.”</p> + +<p>“Well, never mind,” said Fripps: “only +take care and don’t let anybody call me till +ten. I have no doubt—the name is so uncommon—but +that I have told the unhappy +man the whole story of his wretched fie-fie sister. +<em>Her</em> name was Brag—that’s all I know. I +declare I wouldn’t have done such a thing for +a thousand rupees. Hitherow, come along:—where +is the creature? Here—help me up. +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_216">[Pg 216]</span>Good night! Well, I declare—come, Rummagee—it +can’t be helped!—good night—good +night! Well—if ever——”</p> + +<p>And so tottered up to his chamber the delicate +Narcissus Fripps, who had thus innocently +afforded Jack all the information about his +sister which he perhaps could never have derived +from any other source. This advantage +Jack had gained by boasting of his high Indian +connexions; while the misery of Fripps, consequent +upon the discovery that his companion was +Mrs. Brown’s brother, was occasioned by Brag’s +having ostentatiously announced his name, while +asking after his servant and carriage.</p> + +<p>It is needless to add, as the jest-books +say, that Jack, who certainly did not much +admire the manners of his communicative +companion, and still less the nature of his +communication, was up in the morning by +seven, and, before eight, was off towards St. +Leonard’s. As he walked onwards, his mind +was as much occupied as it could be with anything, +with the account he had heard of his +sister. From what Mead had previously told +him, the intelligence of the preceding evening +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_217">[Pg 217]</span>certainly did not so much surprise him as it +otherwise would have done; but every man has +<em>some</em> feeling, more or less as the case may be; +and Jack had been, at the moment, affected by +the unexpected recital of this piece of family +history.</p> + +<p>From the meditation in which he was absorbed, +Jack was aroused upon his arrival at +that splendid creation of modern art and industry, +St. Leonard’s, which perhaps affords +one of the most beautiful and wonderful proofs +of individual taste, judgment, and perseverance, +that our nation exhibits. Under the +superintendence of Mr. Burton, a desert has +become a thickly-peopled town: buildings of +an extensive nature and most elegant character +rear their heads where, but a few years +since, the barren cliffs presented their chalky +fronts to the storm and wave; and rippling +streams and hanging groves adorn the valley +which, twenty years since, was a sterile and +shrubless ravine.</p> + +<p>Jack, who appreciated in a very slight degree +the beauties of nature, and who talked of a +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_218">[Pg 218]</span>fine country only in reference to hedges, ditches, +stone walls, and five-barred gates, looked at +the sea, only as a great glittering body of water +which dazzled his eyes—and at cliffs as something +uncommonly out of the way. His approbation +of St. Leonard’s was excited not by +the great changes its establishment has made +in the face of the neighbourhood, nor by its +intrinsic beauty; (and he expressed his satisfaction +to a promiscuous friend with whom he +had fallen into conversation in the street;) but +because it reminded him of the Regent’s Park; +and he judiciously added, that if it could only +be got away from the sea, and set down altogether +in a sporting part of Leicestershire, +with a lot more stables, it would be a regular +“trump,” and no mistake.</p> + +<p>His temporary companion heard his opinion, +looked at him, touched his hat, and walked on.</p> + +<p>It may be asked, if Jack had such an aversion +for the sea, why he should propose to +visit Eastbourne—or why he had hovered upon +the coast? The truth is, Jack was like the +king of the chess-board towards the end of the +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_219">[Pg 219]</span>game. The widow and her sister occupied the +London square, and if he moved thither, he +would certainly put himself into danger; from +Dover he had been driven by Lord Tom’s +check—or rather checque; France was occupied +by his adversary’s queen; and the inland +watering-places were filled by knights and +rooks, who were so placed as to keep him +at bay if he ventured near their quadrates. +Eastbourne, he had heard, was quiet and retired; +and the fewer people there were resident +in it, the less chance he had of being known; +and obscurity to him, just at this particular moment, +was, strange to say, desirable. His various +defeats must inevitably become known, a +circumstance which would speedily bring the +game to an end; and his last check would, +in all probability, arrive without the accompanying +cry of “mate” from any of the ladies +whom he had so assiduously besieged, so to +Eastbourne he proceeded as soon as the appointed +chaise from “The Swan” overtook +him.</p> + +<p>To those, to whom Nature has given a taste, +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_220">[Pg 220]</span>the drive from Hastings to Eastbourne is one +full of interest; but Jack, who looked at Pevensey +Castle with a shudder on account of the +owls and the ivy that were about it, and considered +the neighbouring martello towers as works +of coeval antiquity with its Roman brick walls, +regarded with an “equal eye” every other +object, animate or inanimate, which he happened +to encounter or pass on his way to the +place of his destination; and most certainly, +of all things that never entered his head, one +never was near it,—which is the fact, that +we are indebted for the term “merry-Andrew” +to a native of the, at present, dullest little cluster +of houses in England—this very identical +Pevensey itself. It was there, that Andrew +Borde, or, according to his own absurd latinization +of his name, Andreas Perforatus, +first saw the light. He was educated first at +Winchester, and then at New College, where +he studied physic, and travelled over almost +every part of the then known world. He returned +to England in 1542, took his doctor’s +degree, and settled at his native place, whence, +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_221">[Pg 221]</span>finding the climate remarkable healthy, and +the people all exceedingly well, he proceeded +to London, and became first physician to +Henry VIII.</p> + +<p>He was, however, a wag; and used to visit +fairs and markets, and make speeches to the people, +and crack jokes, by way of advocating the +cause of medicine, and especially the use of +those particular remedies, which his eloquence +went most highly to eulogize:—hence his +<i lang="fr">sobriquet</i>, wherever he was known, was “Merry +Andrew,”—a nickname which, in the first instance, +descended to his successors in practice, +but who, in course of time and the progress +of refinement, ostensibly separated the functions +of fool and physician; and while the +medical part devolved upon the doctor, the +mummery was confined to the merry-Andrew.</p> + +<p>Of this Borde—as I have mentioned him—I +must add, that merry as he was, and author +as he was, of jest-books, and satires, and “books +of knowledge,” his eccentricity took another +turn later in life, and he practised all the austerities +of the Carthusians,—a course of discipline +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_222">[Pg 222]</span>which might perhaps have well prepared +him to endure imprisonment in the Fleet prison, +where he died in 1549. Some say he +poisoned himself; and others tell us that he +was not incarcerated for debt:—Wood, however, +calls him “a noted poet, a witty and ingenious +person, and an excellent physician.”</p> + +<p>This little digression, for which I duly apologize, +just brings our hero to the door of the +“Hotel” at Eastbourne, which, magnificently +as the word sounds, does not, in point of fact, +possess the striking attributes of its more +lordly contemporaries. Jack rather liked its +unostentatious appearance, and entered it with +one of his liveliest expressions of countenance, +skipping as usual, rather than stepping out +of his chaise into the hall.</p> + +<p>“Have rooms?” said Jack; “sitting and +bed-room, eh?—all snug and comfortable, and +no mistake? Seen my servant down here, with +the phaeton, and my things.”</p> + +<p>“No, sir,” said the landlady, “I think not. +What name, sir?”</p> + +<p>“Brag,” said Jack; “a young man—light +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_223">[Pg 223]</span>weight—dark mixture frock, leathers and tops, +an olive-green phaeton, and pair of bright +bays.”</p> + +<p>“No, sir,” said the hostess; “no such person +has been here; perhaps he has gone to +‘The Lamb,’ or the ‘New Inn,’ at South.”</p> + +<p>“Stupid dog!” said Brag; “perhaps he +has. I told him ‘The Hotel,’ as plain as I +could speak.”</p> + +<p>“Shall we send and see, sir?” said the wily +landlady.</p> + +<p>“I wish you would,” said Brag. “Where +do you think he is gone?”</p> + +<p>“To ‘The Lamb,’ perhaps, sir,” said the +mistress of the hotel.</p> + +<p>“Couldn’t mistake Lamb for Hotel!” replied +our hero, looking as much in earnest +as if he really had expected the servant and +equipage which he so accurately described. +“Never mind, I can do without him till to-morrow, +so don’t fuss yourself on my account. +Just show me my room, and I’ll order my +dinner, and all that, and take a turn while +it is getting ready.”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_224">[Pg 224]</span></p> + +<p>Those who are not acquainted with Eastbourne, +and more especially, the ‘Sea Houses,’ +which give their name to the <i lang="fr">quartier</i> in which +Jack had established himself, can scarcely believe +how very agreeable a place it is. It is true +there is nothing like gaiety going on; there are +no crowded promenades; there are no grand +balls—no house in the whole groupe is spacious +enough to enable a man to inflict a large party +on his friends; but everything around one is, +though humble, clean, fresh, and delightful. +The two extreme points of the place at which +civilization ends are distinguished by buildings +which in other days would have afforded but +little gratification to cockney ears. “The +Round House” is the <i lang="la">ultima Thule</i> of the +promenade in one direction, and the “Watch-house” +the termination of it at the other. +These are, however, but local and conventional +terms, and in the height of the season you will +generally find some delightful family located +in the one, and at all seasons a gallant sea-officer +stationed at the other.</p> + +<p>To enjoy the quiet of this peaceful village, +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_225">[Pg 225]</span>for such it is, after all the worries of the few +preceding days, and “sniff the briny,” which, +although he did not admire its beauties, he +admitted was “uncommon refreshing,” was +Jack’s first wish:—it might perhaps give him +an appetite; and then his wine would serve as +a Lethean draft after it; and then in the +morning he should get up calm, and cool, and +comfortable, and seek his fortune at the Library, +which to cockneys is always a resource, and +to Jack could not fail to be a very important +one. Accordingly, he hastened his “twilight,” +and having calculated the length of time required +for dressing his fish and fowl, descended +the stairs, looking all fresh and smart, or, to +use his own favourite phrase, “as nice as nip!”</p> + +<p>“How long,” said Jack, pulling up his collars, +“how long will it be before my dinner +is ready?”</p> + +<p>“About half an hour,” said the landlady.</p> + +<p>“What do you call your best wine here?” +asked Jack.</p> + +<p>“All very good, sir, I believe,” was the +reply.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_226">[Pg 226]</span></p> + +<p>“What claret have you?” said Jack.</p> + +<p>“Very good Lafitte, sir—Chateau Margaut,” +said mine hostess.</p> + +<p>“Oh—ah!” said Jack,—“any good Madeira—eh!—London +Particular, and no mistake!”</p> + +<p>“Our Madeira, sir,” said the landlady, “I +am afraid is not quite so good.”</p> + +<p>“Port and sherry, I suppose?” said Jack—“Kitchen +wines, eh?”</p> + +<p>“Both excellent in their way, sir,” said the +landlady. “We get our port from Paxton, +and our sherry from Toone.”</p> + +<p>“Very good names,” said Jack. “And champagne +or hock?”</p> + +<p>“Both, sir,” replied the landlady.</p> + +<p>“Any ice in the house?”</p> + +<p>“Yes, sir.”</p> + +<p>“Oh, very well,” said Jack; “I’ll—see +about it. My man is not come, I suppose?”</p> + +<p>“No, sir.”</p> + +<p>“Nor the carriage?”</p> + +<p>“No, sir.”</p> + +<p>“In half an hour, you say, dinner will be +ready?” said Jack.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_227">[Pg 227]</span></p> + +<p>“Yes, sir,” said the hostess.</p> + +<p>“I like dining early by way of a change,” +said Jack; “something new after the infernal +late hours of London. I’ll be in time, rely upon +it, and no mistake.”</p> + +<p>Saying which, he walked into his sitting-room, +adjusted his hat on one side of his head, +pulled up his collars, and just giving himself a +sort of satisfactory shake before the looking-glass, +sallied forth, scarcely deigning to look at +a man, of about his own size, dressed in black, +whose innocent mind he had been endeavouring +to astonish, by the dialogue which he had +just concluded with the landlady on the subject +of the wines, and the ice, and the servant, and +the carriage.</p> + +<p>The man of about his own size, in black, +however, was not to be so passed over. He +came forward as Jack advanced, and rather +startled our hero by a peculiar interest which +seemed to pervade his countenance, as Jack +moved across the hall towards the door with +an air and manner something between a swagger +and a wriggle, smacking, as usual, his +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_228">[Pg 228]</span>boots with his “remarkably small whip,” and +thinking he was doing it all right, and no +mistake!</p> + +<p>Jack cast a sort of contemptuous glance over +the figure of his fellow guest, with which he +could scarcely avoid <em>favouring</em> him, since he +seemed to force a notice of some sort from him. +Who he could be, Jack could not exactly comprehend;—In +black—with a remarkably bad +hat;—too smart for an undertaker—not smart +enough for a parson—Village doctor perhaps, +looking out for patients. No matter. Heads +or Tails, what did it signify to him? And +away went Jack, baffling the breeze, which +blew right in his face, and came strong upon +him as he “opened” the sea between Weston’s +shop and the library.</p> + +<p>There were but few promenaders, and in the +library not more than three persons; one of +whom was peeping through the little hole of a +kaleidoscope, another poring over the list of +subscribers, and the third, standing just inside +the half-opened door beating the old gentleman’s +tattoo with his fingers upon the window-pane. +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_229">[Pg 229]</span>Jack looked in, enjoyed for a moment +the well-known smell of green baize, white-brown +paper, kid gloves, Windsor soap, varnish, +and lavender-water, with which such gay +receptacles are generally redolent; then turned +out again, and walked as far as he could in +the direction of Beachy Head, the state of +the tide and the nature of the shore limiting +his excursion thitherwards, however, to about +two hundred yards.</p> + +<p>Having done this, he followed the example +of the other strollers, and walked back again, +extending his march beyond Mrs. Gilbert’s +“Tea Room,” and the life-boat, and concluding +it by entering the garden of the hotel, +which opens to the beach, by which route he +regained his parlour, satisfied that the air was +remarkably bracing, and the company of the +place as select as he could possibly wish it +to be.</p> + +<p>The cloth was laid; everything prepared; +and nothing appeared to be wanting but the +summons—the rub of the lamp to produce the +Genius. Jack rang the bell;—all was ready. +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_230">[Pg 230]</span>The smoking fish came, leaping like a salmon +to the board, and in five minutes Jack was +seated fork in hand.</p> + +<p>“What wine do you take, sir?” said the +waiter, who had heard the conversation upon +that particular subject which had passed between +the guest and his mistress in the hall.</p> + +<p>“Wine?” said Jack, “why, half a pint of +sherry; and bring some small beer, if it’s +very good.”</p> + +<p>“Yes, sir,” said the waiter, and, it is needless +to add, did as he was bid.</p> + +<p>Jack certainly had been upset by the last +night’s rencontre; but still, as his stomach +filled, and the genial influence of the cruet-full +of Toone’s super-excellent began to operate, +he again reared his drooping head; +and resolving to care nothing for what could +not be helped, ordered a bottle of old port, +and a bit of fire; for although the season +was young, yet the weather was coldish, +and he felt chilly, and besides, as one of +the most beautiful women that ever fell into +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_231">[Pg 231]</span>solitude in the midst of a crowd once said to +me—“To anybody who lives so much alone +as I do, a cheerful fire is company.” These +simple words sounded to <em>me</em> deeply pathetic, and +conveyed to my mind an idea of the wretchedness +of involuntary seclusion, which more +eloquent language, or a finer-turned phrase +would perhaps not have produced. That fair +creature, however, once the gem-like centre of +the circle she brightened and adorned, is gone +to her long account; and if retribution were to +be meted out to mortals in <em>this</em> world, she +would nearly have atoned for all her faults before +she left it.</p> + +<p>“Put down some dessert,” said Jack, “clap +a log on the grate, draw the curtains, and bring +me the London paper.”</p> + +<p>“Yes, sir,” said the waiter, who implicitly +obeyed the commands he received, but still +looked somehow suspiciously at Jack, not as +doubting his respectability and solvency, or +even questioning the bright vision of the groom +and the phaeton, but as if expecting that something +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_232">[Pg 232]</span>was likely to happen in the course of +the evening to mar the comfort of the ‘cheerful +fire-side.’</p> + +<p>The paper came; Jack occupied two chairs, +and it would be doing the vain simpleton +injustice to deny that as he sipped his wine +his thoughts reverted to his sister Kate. The +chain, it is true, contained many links, and one +end of it was riveted to the counter of the candle-shop; +but still there is no man so callous, +or so heartless, but that at certain moments he +“feels:”—Jack <em>did</em> feel, and even went the +length of repenting many things which he had +done, and regretting that he had not done +many others which he had neglected, and was +really getting quite amiable. There certainly +<em>was</em> a reason for this—he was alone,—and had +no game to play.</p> + +<p>From the reverie or rather slumber into +which the heat of the fire, the strength of the +port wine, and the very long leading articles of +the newspaper which he was reading without understanding +one syllable contained in them, had +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_233">[Pg 233]</span>thrown him, he was aroused in about three +quarters of an hour by the re-appearance of the +waiter, who said that a gentleman wished to +speak a few words to him.</p> + +<p>“To me?” said Jack.</p> + +<p>“Mr. Brag, I believe, sir,” said the waiter.</p> + +<p>“Yes,” said Brag, “in course, that’s my +name, and no mistake. What is the gentleman’s +name?”</p> + +<p>“I don’t know, sir,” said the waiter. “He +is outside, sir.”</p> + +<p>“Desire him to come in,” said Jack, who +concluded it was either the master of the ceremonies +to nail him for a subscription, or the +apothecary to secure a patient, or perhaps +some of the parochial authorities desirous of +knowing whether he would wish the bells at +“South,” as they call it, to announce his +arrival at the Sea Houses.</p> + +<p>The waiter opened the door, and all Jack’s +suspicions were confirmed when he beheld the +man about his own size, dressed in the shabby-genteel +black, whom he had entirely astonished +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_234">[Pg 234]</span>about the wines, the ice, the servants, the +horses and the carriage, in the hall before dinner, +enter the room with a low bow.</p> + +<p>The waiter retired, and shut the door.</p> + +<p>“I beg your pardon, sir,” said the shabby-genteel, +holding his shocking bad hat in his +hand, “I believe, sir, your name is Brag?”</p> + +<p>“It is, sir,” said Jack.</p> + +<p>“Of Lower Grosvenor Street, in the Parish +of St. George, Hanover Square, Middlesex,” +said the stranger.</p> + +<p>“Exactly so,” said Brag.</p> + +<p>“It is very curious, sir,” said the stranger, +“that I should have been lucky enough to +meet with you here. I have been frequently to +Grosvenor Street, but the people there, said +you never lived there. I heard, sir, you had a +house in Surrey, but I never could find out exactly +where it was. We did get a letter saying +that the newspaper said you were gone to +Dover, and I should have gone over to that +place from this, but your arrival here saves me +a great deal of trouble, and will make no difference +to you, sir.”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_235">[Pg 235]</span></p> + +<p>“No,” said Jack, drawing his little legs +off the second chair, and sitting upright to +look at his visitor,—“but may I just ask +why you happen to be so very anxious to +see <em>me</em>?”</p> + +<p>“I am clerk, sir,” said the visitor, “to +Messrs. Tapps, Tatlock, and Shackleton, of +Pump Court, Temple, and have been for these +ten days looking out to serve you with notice +of action of trespass at the suit of Thomas +Grindleston of Wigglesford, in the county of +Herts. We wrote twice to you, sir, but, not +getting any answer, and not knowing the name +of your solicitor, <em>my</em> gentlemen ordered me +to look after you at Dover; but as I had some +business here, on my way, the minute I heard +you asking for your carriage and servant, and +mentioning your name, I said to myself—‘That’s +my gentleman.’—Here is the copy of +the writ, sir, which I now serve you with.”</p> + +<p>“Upon my life,” said Jack, “I don’t know +what I have to do with this.”</p> + +<p>“It’s about the steeple chase, sir,” said the +visitor, “of which you had the management, +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_236">[Pg 236]</span>and which did considerable damage to Mr. +Grindleston’s property.”</p> + +<p>“But,” said Jack, “there are hundreds of +steeple chases in the course of the year, and +nobody is prosecuted.”</p> + +<p>“That is all according to taste, sir,” said +the stranger. “Mr. Grindleston, our client, +sir, is not a sporting character, and doesn’t +exactly see why <em>you</em>, as having marked out +the line, should have chosen to draw it directly +across his property;—even hunting a +fox, sir, over another man’s grounds, after the +case decided by Lord Ellenborough, (Earl of +Essex against General Capel, 1809,) is held to +be a trespass. In the case of Merest and +Harvey, the defendant committed the trespass +in the plaintiff’s presence after being +warned off—the jury there, sir, gave five hundred +pounds damages; and Sir Vicary Gibbs, +who tried the case, refused a new trial, and +said, ‘Suppose I had a walk before my house +which I had a pleasure in looking at or walking +on, would it be allowed that a man should +come and walk there to my annoyance, and +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_237">[Pg 237]</span>then offer me a halfpenny in satisfaction, alleging +that I had received no actual damage?’”</p> + +<p>“But what am I to do now, sir?” said Jack.</p> + +<p>“Nothing in the world, sir,” said the stranger; +“just put that slip of paper into your +pocket, and the gentleman, whoever he may +be, who is concerned for you, will tell you all +the rest.”</p> + +<p>“Sir,” said Jack, “I don’t understand this +at all; I have no gentleman who is concerned +for me—nor lady either, as I begin to think; +and I don’t comprehend it—it’s all gibberish—moonshine—nonsense—straight +up, right +down, and no mistake.”</p> + +<p>“No, sir, I will not trouble you any farther,” +said the clerk; “<em>I</em> know there’s no +mistake—but I have done my duty, sir, and +I wish you good evening. I would not have +intruded till the morning,” added the shabby +genteel; “but I have a chance of a cast to +Lewes to-night, and I thought it best to lose +no time.”</p> + +<p>“And who are your employers?” said Jack, +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_238">[Pg 238]</span>who had just instinct sufficient to know that he +had got himself into a scrape.</p> + +<p>“Messrs. Tapps, Tatlock, and Shackleton, +of Pump Court, Temple, sir,” replied the +clerk: “good evening, sir.” Saying which, +the unwelcome visitor disappeared, and closed +the door after him.</p> + +<p>This was extremely agreeable; here was Brag +saddled with an action for trespass, singled out +as the leader of the sport, and all the burthens +upon his mind crowned with a lawsuit, and all +resulting from his own empty vanity, in putting +himself forward as the hero of the day; a +piece of absurdity rendered more objectionable +to the plaintiff Grindleston, because he thought +proper to puff himself into possession of the +said plaintiff’s property. However, it was of +no use thinking it over, then—morning was +the time for business; and so Jack, relieved +from the presence of the harpy, proceeded to +read the paper and drink his port, till he fell +again into a profound slumber from which he +awoke only to ring the bell, order his candle, +and go to bed.</p> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> +<div class="chapter"> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_239">[Pg 239]</span></p> + + + <h2 class="nobreak" id="CHAPTER_VI"> + CHAPTER VI. + </h2> +</div> + + +<p>The morning again dawned, and again was +Brag “up and stirring.” He read and reread +the narrow strip of paper which had been +fastened upon him by the emissary from +Messrs. Tapps, Tatlock, and Shackleton, of +Pump Court, and was very little the wiser +for the information he derived from its contents. +Instinct, however, made him very +much dislike the affair, upon which, he concluded, +he must consult some lawyer of his +own; but not having such an officer regularly +retained in his household, and knowing +but little of the routine of legal business, he +proceeded, in the first instance, to act upon +the directions of the imp from whom he had +received the “strip,” and put it into his +pocket.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_240">[Pg 240]</span></p> + +<p>During breakfast he seriously repeated the +usual fruitless inquiries after his servant and +equipage, and received the anticipated negative +to his questions with an affectation of high +displeasure, strengthened by one of those brief +but emphatic exclamations, which, if uttered +before one of his Majesty’s worshipful justices +of the peace, would have subjected him to a +fine of five shillings.</p> + +<p>Having despatched his morning meal, he +repaired to the stables, and ran his eye over +the horses which were standing in them,—at +times looked knowingly at some of the +best,—and spoke technically to the coachmen +or grooms about some of the worst. One +pair of coach-horses particularly struck his +fancy:—To whom did they belong?—was his +question to a servant, wearing bright orange +plush unmentionables, who was, without coat, +waiscoat, or jacket, working away at one of +them, polishing him up to a degree of brightness +and smoothness very difficult of attainment +in horse-skins at the sea-side.</p> + +<p>“Whose horses did you say these were?” +said Jack.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_241">[Pg 241]</span></p> + +<p>“Mrs. Peckover’s, sir,” said the man.</p> + +<p>“What!” said Jack—“the lady of my +friend Mr. Heneage Peckover of Womanswould +in Kent?”</p> + +<p>“The same, sir,” said the servant.</p> + +<p>“Is Mr. Peckover dead?” said Jack.</p> + +<p>“Not particularly, sir,” said the man, continually +rubbing and hissing as hard as he well +could; “on the contrary, he is as lively as +ever.”</p> + +<p>“Because you said Mrs. Peckover’s horses,” +said Jack.</p> + +<p>“Yes,” said the man, “we calls everything +missus’s. What’s master’s is her’s—and what’s +her’s is her own, sir. Master don’t much +interfere.”</p> + +<p>“Where are they staying?” said Jack.</p> + +<p>“At that house, sir,” said the man, stepping +out of the stable-door and pointing, “with the +bow-window there, sir.”</p> + +<p>“Oh,” said Jack, “I must go and call on +them.—Very fine pair of nags as ever I clapped +my eyes upon—good colour, shape, and +make: fast trotters, I take it.”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_242">[Pg 242]</span></p> + +<p>“Uncommon, sir,” said the man, “and step +together like winkin’.”</p> + +<p>“All right that,” said Jack, “and no mistake:”—and +out he walked, not sorry, however +much he might wish for retirement, at finding +an acquaintance in the place, who was not very +well known either to, or by the persons with +whom he, for the present, desired to have no +particular connexion.</p> + +<p>Jack had met Mr. Peckover out with hounds +round London. He was a hale, portly man, of +some fifty-six, with rosy cheeks and strong +limbs; the voice of a Stentor; and a laugh +which, when excited, might be heard “a goodly +league at sea.”</p> + +<p>It is said that men’s characters sometimes +agree with their names, although James Smith +has given us an excellent song to exhibit “the +rule of contraries” in this particular. Certain +it is, however, that Heneage Peckover, of +Womanswould in the county of Kent, Esq. +was—tall as he was, broad as he was, +heavy as he was, and loud as he was—the +mere slave of his wife, from whom, it may be +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_243">[Pg 243]</span>necessary to observe, he had derived nearly +the whole of the fortune which enabled him to +make the figure he made in society. What he +originally <em>had</em> been, history has not accurately +recorded; but the aristocratic character of the +former of his two names (christian-name it can +scarcely be called) led people to suppose that +his connexions must somehow have been of a +superior order.</p> + +<p>Jack had never seen the lady,—nor indeed +had any of the “friends” with whom Mr. +Peckover was in the habit of hunting.—Not +to hear of her, after having been five minutes +in her husband’s society, would have been impossible. +It was not enough that she directed +his conduct and controlled his actions; nor +that he paid her every deference whilst in her +society, and followed her instructions with the +implicit obedience of a well-broken spaniel, +whenever she thought fit to fulminate them. +The habit of submission was so strongly impressed +upon his mind, that it had induced something +like a veneration for her opinions and decisions, +by which his whole conduct in life was regulated; +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_244">[Pg 244]</span>so that although, when away from her, he really +was what may be called a capital jolly country +gentleman; and laughed, and joked, in <em>his</em> way, +with the greatest earnestness and fervour, still +he had neither taste nor judgment of his own; +and his conversation was therefore made up of +continued references to “Mrs. Peckover,” and +her views, her opinions, her <i lang="la">dicta</i>, and her decisions +upon all subjects, which were rendered +the more strikingly absurd to his ordinary companions, +inasmuch as they had never seen the +lady, nor ever were likely to see her, since she +peremptorily declined receiving her husband’s +sporting acquaintance, the exclusion of whom +from <em>her</em> house, (as she invariably called it,) was +the condition alone upon which she permitted +him to enjoy what are called the pleasures of +the chase.</p> + +<p>The extent of the present scene of action +was so small, that all the inhabitants of the +comfortable Kraal were visible to each other in +the course of any one hour of any one day; +and not much more than half that period of +time had elapsed, when Jack espied his friend +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_245">[Pg 245]</span>walking with Colonel Stiffkey, whom he also +knew, from having met him occasionally at +Mrs. Dallington’s. This was rather a drawback +to the gratification he experienced in +seeing Mr. Peckover, who looked glowingly +bright; his rubicund face shining well over a +buttoned-up blue coat, “leathers” of the old +school, and “tops” to match.</p> + +<p>“Bless my soul!—Mr. Brag,” exclaimed +Peckover; “who the deuce would have thought +of finding you here?”</p> + +<p>“I might say the same to you, sir,” said +Jack. “How d’ye do, sir? Needn’t ask—charming +well, I am sure.”—“How d’ye do, +Colonel?” added Brag, waiting to see what +sort of recognition the colonel would afford +him.</p> + +<p>The Colonel’s “Quite well!” was as gracious +as possible.</p> + +<p>“As for <em>me</em>,” said Peckover, “Mrs. Peckover +says she never saw me looking better. +True enough;—I’m hearty and hale, and all +<em>that</em>—ha, ha, ha! Are you come to stay here, +Mr. Brag?”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_246">[Pg 246]</span></p> + +<p>“For some time, I think,” said Brag. “I +have just got away from the Ilfracombes, and +the Dawlishes, and Lord Tom, who have been +at Dover. Lord Tom wanted me to go to +Paris to ride his horses, but I know a trick +worth two of that—sure of a wrangle wherever +he is concerned; so I backed out, smack, +smooth, and no mistake.”</p> + +<p>“Mrs. Peckover says,” said Peckover, “that +horse-racing is but ticklish work, after all:-too +much in the hands of other people—jockeys, +trainers, and friends—eh?—ha, ha, +ha!”</p> + +<p>“I never have been on the turf,” said Stiffkey, +with an air of self-satisfaction which +would have induced anybody who did not +know him, to believe that his abstinence had +not proceeded from the positive want of money +and horses.</p> + +<p>“Mr. Brag,” said Peckover, “is a capital +jockey, if you come to that. Well—where do +you dine to day?”</p> + +<p>This question was asked, first, in the hope +that Brag was engaged; and secondly, because +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_247">[Pg 247]</span>Peckover flattered himself that he could prevail +upon his lady to admit him and the colonel +to her table, by explaining to her that the +colonel was <em>not</em> one of his hunting friends, and +concealing from her the fact that Brag <em>was</em>.</p> + +<p>“I am not engaged anywhere,” said Brag—“I’m +at the hotel.”</p> + +<p>“So am I,” said the Colonel.</p> + +<p>“I’m sure Mrs. Peckover will be delighted +to see you,” said Heneage. “She dines at +six—‘because,’ as, she says, ‘early hours, good +air, and plain feeding, are good for one’s health’—and +I believe it to be so—ha, ha, ha!”</p> + +<p>“I shall be most happy,” said the Colonel.</p> + +<p>“And I,” said Jack.</p> + +<p>“That’s a large ship in the offing,” said the +Colonel.</p> + +<p>“Mrs. Peckover tells me she thinks it’s a +man-of-war,” said Peckover. “I don’t know +much about ships, but I dare say it is. She has +been watching it through her glass.”</p> + +<p>“For a sea place,” said Jack, “this is uncommon +snug—and I like the look of the +country round it.”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_248">[Pg 248]</span></p> + +<p>“Why,” said Peckover, “Mrs. Peckover’s +opinion is, that the mixture of trees, and sea, +and corn-fields, and downs, and good roads, +and fine cliffs, is extremely beautiful. For my +own part, I don’t profess to know much about +such things; but I take it all as it comes. +Ha, ha, ha!”</p> + +<p>“That’s the only way to get on in this +world,” said the Colonel. “Pray have you +been over to Hurstmonceaux?” added the gallant +officer.</p> + +<p>“No,” said Peckover; “Mrs. Peckover +went there last Tuesday, I think it was. She +has great taste for ruins, and remnants, and +relics, and all that. She took over two or three +young ladies, the Miss Gubbinses, who are +here, and there was no room for me in the carriage, +so I staid here, and played billiards with +the marker’s boy till she came back.”</p> + +<p>“There seems to be no news in the London +papers this morning?” said the Colonel.</p> + +<p>“No,” said his friend; “Mrs. Peckover tells +<em>me</em>, that if Russia, Austria, and Prussia were +to join against France, the odds would be greatly +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_249">[Pg 249]</span>in favour of the coalition; but I don’t trouble +my head much about politics. Ha, ha, ha!”</p> + +<p>“Well,” said Brag, “is there anything to +see near at hand? Where is what they +call ‘South,’ because I suspect my fool of a +servant has lost himself and my phaeton, somewhere +in the Wilds of Sussex, and I may, +perhaps find him stalled up at ‘The Lamb,’ I +think the hotel people call it.”</p> + +<p>“Oh, ah!” said Peckover; “South—they +call it South, Mrs. Peckover tells me, to distinguish +it from East, which they call this. Mrs. +Peckover gets all our meat from a butcher at +South. I’ll walk with you.”</p> + +<p>“With all my heart,” said the Colonel.</p> + +<p>“That’s right!” said Jack; “I think a +toddle along the road will do us good, and no +mistake!”</p> + +<p>“Mrs. Peckover says walking exercise is the +best,” said her husband, “yet, somehow, she +generally drives about herself; however, I +don’t pretend to understand these matters. +Ha! ha! ha! Come, let’s start.”</p> + +<p>And away the trio went, Jack extremely well +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_250">[Pg 250]</span>pleased with his reception, and resolved to keep +quiet and easy, more than ever struck with his +fat friend’s perpetual reference to his better +half, and convinced, by Colonel Stiffkey’s manner +towards him, that he had not been enlightened +in any degree upon the subject of the +affair with Mrs. Dallington and Miss Englefield.</p> + +<p>The day was delightful, and they had got on +the road just as far as where foot passengers +generally strike into the fields, when Brag perceived +a man, who, by the azure hue of his coat, +and the bright orange-colour of his plushes, +he knew to be one of Peckover’s footmen, +coming at what he considered a splitting pace +in pursuit of them.</p> + +<p>“One of your servants, I think,” said Jack.</p> + +<p>“Oh,” said Peckover, “most probably Mrs. +Peckover wishes to be of our party.—Well, +Stephen, what is it?”</p> + +<p>“My missus, sir,” said Stephen, “wants +you to come in, if you please.”</p> + +<p>“Oh, come in, does she?” said the Herculean +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_251">[Pg 251]</span>infant;—“Why doesn’t she come out?—it +would do her a vast deal more good. What, +is she in the house?”</p> + +<p>“Yes, sir,” said Stephen, “and bid me say +she was waiting.”</p> + +<p>“Why, then, gentlemen,” said Peckover, “I +am afraid I must leave you. I know she has +some project for this morning, but I don’t pretend +to know anything of her movements.—I’m +coming, Stephen.—I’ll just step home, +and if I can get away I’ll follow you—only +don’t mind <em>me</em>. Back at six;—don’t forget—punctual +to the minute, for as Mrs. Peckover +says, you can never expect to have a good +dinner or a good cook, if you are not punctual—so +mind. Ha, ha, ha!”</p> + +<p>“Never fear,” said Jack; “I’ll be at the +post, afore the bell rings for saddling, and no +mistake.”</p> + +<p>“And I will be the very shadow of Mr. +Brag,” said the Colonel.</p> + +<p>“That’s one of the comforts of matrimony,” +said the Colonel, after watching Peckover’s +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_252">[Pg 252]</span>hurried return homewards. “That gentle +giant is tied to his lady’s apron string, and +beyond its tether, wander he must not.”</p> + +<p>“I think,” said Jack, “if I was as big as he, +I should try if I couldn’t break it.”</p> + +<p>“Did you ever see Mrs. Peckover?” said +the Colonel.</p> + +<p>“Never set eyes on her,” replied Jack.</p> + +<p>“She is a delicate looking woman,” said the +Colonel; “her figure small and slight; her +nose long, her mouth wide, her voice shrill, and +her tongue exhibiting to the curious in ‘natural +mechanism’ the long-sought-for desideratum of +perpetual motion. The only relief she gives +that active member, or her husband, is when she +is sulky, upon which occasions she keeps him +sitting in her boudoir, or wherever it may be, +the whole day, without letting him stir out, or +speaking a syllable to him while he stays at +home.”</p> + +<p>“But why does not he kick?” said Jack;—“rebel; +run rusty?”</p> + +<p>“Because he believes her to be the cleverest +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_253">[Pg 253]</span>woman in all the world,” said the Colonel. +“As for disputing the excellence of her taste, +or doubting the infallibility of her opinions, he +would as soon think of flying; and such has +been the nature of her management in breaking +him in, that he does not in the slightest degree +consider her tyranny as oppressive; on the +contrary, he thinks her so far above every +other living creature, that his homage and submission +are voluntary tributes to her perfection.”</p> + +<p>“I suppose,” said Jack, “we must not venture +to contradict anything she says at dinner, +even in the way of joke?”</p> + +<p>“You need not be apprehensive of her doing +anything in that line,” said the Colonel. “I +once, and only once, dined with them at their +place Womanswould, and she took offence in +the early part of dinner because Peckover +drank wine with somebody without asking <em>her</em> +which wine he ought to drink; and from that +moment she stopped her loquacity dead short, +and moped for the rest of the evening.”</p> + +<p>“Wouldn’t it be a good thing to affront her +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_254">[Pg 254]</span>a little at starting?” said Jack; “perhaps it +might give him a chance of throwing in a +word.”</p> + +<p>“Not a bit,” said the Colonel: “if <em>she</em> +won’t speak, <em>he</em> mustn’t; so we should have to +keep up the ball between us, unless one or two +of those Miss Gubbinses, who are a good deal +with her, should happen to be of the party. +However, we must trust to Fate.—You say +you are just from Dover?”</p> + +<p>“Came off the day before yesterday,” said +Jack.</p> + +<p>“Did you happen to see some old friends of +mine there?” said the Colonel—“the Gunnersburys?”</p> + +<p>“Oh, yes,” said Jack; “I dined there the +day before I left. Very pleasant party. The +Dullinghams, and Sir Henry Rockley, and a +Mr. and Mrs. Carnaby. What a queer body +Lady Gunnersbury is!”</p> + +<p>“Monstrous spirits,” said the Colonel.</p> + +<p>“Talk of perpetual motion,” said Jack; “I +think she’d give Mrs. Peckover two stone and +a distance, and beat her in a canter.”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_255">[Pg 255]</span></p> + +<p>“Yes, she is an entertaining old lady,” said +the Colonel.</p> + +<p>“To be sure, how she did go on!” said +Jack.</p> + +<p>“It is through <em>her</em>,” said Stiffkey, “that I +am connected with the family. She is my +great-aunt; and I mean to pay them a visit +before I go to London. Indeed, George Gunnersbury +has more than half promised to come +over to me here, and in that case we should +return together. He is a capital fellow!”</p> + +<p>“Oh, very pleasant indeed!” said Jack.</p> + +<p>“He has more real fun about him when he +is in a good humour, than anybody I know,” +said Stiffkey.</p> + +<p>“Yes,” thought Jack, may be so—at the same +moment congratulating himself that the Colonel’s +developement of his connexion with the +family, saved him from something very like a +repetition of the Dullingham affair, out of +which he had so recently escaped.</p> + +<p>“By the way,” said the Colonel, wishing, as +it should seem, to vary the topics of conversation +to suit Jack’s particular taste, “when did +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_256">[Pg 256]</span>you see our fair friends, the widow and her +sister?”</p> + +<p>“The day before I left town,” said Jack; +“I—in fact—I thought it better to—withdraw. +I like candour—hate what I call sham-abraham. +Give me sincerity—all straight up, right +down, and no mistake. And I thought in my +own mind that they were playing what I call +a shuffling game. It looked somehow like a +regular cross.”</p> + +<p>“I don’t exactly see,” said the Colonel.</p> + +<p>“Why, what I say, Colonel, is this,” said +Jack;—“if you mean a thing, say so; and if +you don’t mean it, don’t go on worriting and +fretting people about nothing. I saw that +Lydiard and Rushton,—two deuced good fellows +in their way—were making themselves +miserable about these two females, so I says +to Lydiard, says I, ‘Put a face upon this; +don’t be trifled with:’—and I said the same +to Rushton:—and, in course,—as I know the +sex, and shouldn’t speak without knowing regularly +what I was about,—they took my +advice: and I’m sure—as you know all the +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_257">[Pg 257]</span>parties, and,—in course, we are tiled—I brought +the whole thing about, smack, smooth, and no +mistake whatever:—opened their eyes to their +own situation; and the night before I left +town,—which I did in uncommon high glee +at having made up the matter,—I set them +down to supper, two regular couple, all wrangles +over—and <em>they</em>, matched for life as nice +as nip, and no mistake.”</p> + +<p>It was Jack’s misfortune, whenever he became +eloquent, to fall immediately into his +own peculiar style of oratory; and this burst, +to which he had been encouraged by the colonel’s +evident ignorance of all the real facts, +brought the gallant officer’s eyes into an almost +full stare of astonishment at the mode in which +his voluble, volatile friend expressed himself.</p> + +<p>“I have thought sometimes,” said the Colonel, +“when I have had the pleasure of meeting +you there, that you were in the field yourself. +It struck me that you thought Miss Englefield’s +singing very charming.”</p> + +<p>“So I did,” said Jack, still clinging to the +<i lang="fr">eclat</i> of having been favoured by anything so +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_258">[Pg 258]</span>charming as Blanche, and yet wishing to convey +the idea that he had been smiled on by +both—“so I did; but then I was taken uncommonly +by Mrs. Dallington’s talking. They +are both delightful creechurs! No: I admired +them both as a friend—a sincere friend—nothing +more; and so I thought the best thing +I could do was, to pair them off with the men +whom they liked, and who liked them.”</p> + +<p>“Most marvellous self-denial!” said the +Colonel.</p> + +<p>By this time they had reached “South,” +and the colonel accompanied Brag to “The +New Inn,” and thence to “The Lamb,” in order +that he might go through the ceremony of +enquiring for his “fool of a servant, and his +phaeton,” which, to do his acting credit, he +performed with the greatest apparent earnestness.</p> + +<p>These matters adjusted, they returned by a +circuitous route, and as they were wending +their way through the open gardens at the +back of “The Sea Houses,” they beheld the +glittering equipage of Mrs. Peckover trailing +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_259">[Pg 259]</span>along the road, containing herself and her two +favourite friends, the Gubbinses, and proceeding +towards Westham and Pevensey.</p> + +<p>“Our friend, taking the air,” said the +Colonel.</p> + +<p>“Mr. P. isn’t there?” said Jack.</p> + +<p>“No, she very seldom takes him out with +her,” said the Colonel. “She says he is too +big for the inside of the carriage, and she cannot +dispense with her footman, who, upon +these occasions, shares the box with the coachman. +I dare say we shall find him somewhere +about; or perhaps she has sent him to pick up +laver for her, which is found here in plenty and +perfection.”</p> + +<p>“Well,” said Jack, “if I were Mr. Peckover, +sooner than stand <em>that</em>, I would dig +stones in a quarry on my own account.”</p> + +<p>“There is no accounting for taste,” said +the Colonel; “besides, there are secrets in all +families, and we do not perhaps know what +the reciprocal obligations of the parties to each +other may be; one thing is certain, he wears +his chains merrily. I never saw a man more +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_260">[Pg 260]</span>perfectly happy: however, let us proceed to +the library, where, if his lady-wife have not +ordered him on some fatigue-party, we shall +in all probability find him knocking the balls +about as usual, either by himself or with the +marker’s boy.”</p> + +<p>Anything makes a pursuit at a watering-place. +A glassblower, whose performances +have been before your eyes for years in London, +without exciting your attention in the +slightest degree, at a watering-place becomes +an object of wonder and surprise;—a sick rattle-snake, +who would slumber unseen and disregarded +in his flannel waistcoat, at the Zoological +Gardens in London, is visited with the +greatest avidity: and a fish caught the night +before, which happens to be two feet longer, or +one foot thicker, than fishes of the same kind +generally are, attracts a crowd of astonished +spectators, and elicits a thousand interesting +remarks and observations.</p> + +<p>It turned out that Mr. Peckover was not at +the library, nor was he gathering laver; on +the contrary, he was sitting on a bench facing +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_261">[Pg 261]</span>the sea, at which he was looking wistfully, +and evidently much depressed. When he saw +Brag and the colonel advancing, he rose to +meet them—and they perceived in a moment +that something had worried him.</p> + +<p>“I am glad I have found you,” said he. +“Upon my life! I am almost ashamed to say +what I am going to say:—Mrs. Peckover tells +me that she has engaged herself to go to Hastings +to buy some French things at a smuggling +shop, and that she shan’t be able to have the +pleasure of receiving you at dinner to-day.”</p> + +<p>“Oh,” said the Colonel, “never mind—don’t +care about <em>that</em>:—some other day. As +Mr. Brag and I are both staying at the same +hotel, we can have our little “<em>portions</em>” <i lang="fr">tête-à-tête</i>, +and you’ll let us come to you when you +are quite disengaged.”</p> + +<p>“I saw the carriage going along the road,” +said Jack:—“capital steppers those bays—never +saw better: all right that, sir, and no mistake.”</p> + +<p>“Why! Mrs. Peckover tells <em>me</em>,” said the +husband, “that the Marquess of Whitechapel +says they are the best pair of carriage-horses +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_262">[Pg 262]</span>in London. I don’t trouble myself much about +carriage-horses—she does:—ha, ha, ha!”</p> + +<p>“But suppose,” said the Colonel, “as Mrs. +Peckover will not be back in time for dinner, +that you were to join us, <i lang="fr">en garçon</i>, at the +hotel.”</p> + +<p>“Why,” said Peckover, “that would be +very agreeable; but if that were to be the order +of the day, you two might as well dine with <em>me</em> +<i lang="fr">en garçon</i>, at our house; only you see, Mrs. +Peckover tells me that she shall be back early, +and—”</p> + +<p>“Well,” said the Colonel, “but see, if we +were to dine with <em>you</em>, we might be in the way +of Mrs. Peckover and her <i lang="fr">dames d’honneur</i>, +when they returned, tired, perhaps, with the +excursion; but if <em>you</em> came to us—”</p> + +<p>“Ah!” said the obedient husband, “I don’t +think Mrs. Peckover would like <em>that</em>—no, I +must be at home to receive her; besides, there +are several letters which Mrs. Peckover has desired +me to write—and—no, some other time +Mrs. Peckover will be most happy to receive +you; so let it be as it is. I am very sorry I did +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_263">[Pg 263]</span>not consult her beforehand. I did not know of +her engagement; have you forgiven me, gentlemen?”</p> + +<p>“Oh, in course,” said Jack, “and many +thanks for your offer.”</p> + +<p>“Well,” said the Colonel to Brag, “then we +had better go to our inn, and order our dinner; +we will dine early, if you please.”</p> + +<p>“Whenever you like,” said Jack. “I’m +always agreeable, and no mistake.”</p> + +<p>Jack—upon whose heart or mind, events +which would have been of killing interest to +others, made no deep impression—was so +pleased by the encouragement of Colonel Stiffkey, +that he entirely “forgot his own griefs.” +The melancholy fate of his sister, now and then +flashed across his mind, but since he had ascertained +the nature of her defection, he was less +anxious for a letter from his mother, upon the +subject. His defeat at the widow’s had almost +become a matter of joke with him; his rejection +by Lord Tom was counterbalanced by the +receipt of the money he had recovered from +him, and so upon casting his eye over the +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_264">[Pg 264]</span>balance-sheet, the debtor and creditor sides +seemed pretty equal; and just now the turn lay +rather on the credit side, since he had made +good his footing with his fashionable companion.</p> + +<p>Still, one of those clouds which must almost +constantly hang over the heads of quacks and +pretenders, was rising in the horizon, in the +shape of the arrival of young Gunnersbury. +To quit Eastbourne, where he had strangely +enough secured the society of such a man as +Stiffkey, was most painful. Stiffkey looked +down with an air of placid contempt upon the +few inhabitants of Sea Houses, and yet he +strolled about familiarly with Jack. This was +agreeable in the highest degree to the little +man’s vanity, although really and truly the gay +colonel fell into the association without reflecting +or thinking about it for one moment. He +had met Brag in good society, and in places +where he felt evidently at home; he had heard +Lord Tom speak of him in high terms, as what +is called a “sporting chap,” and, moreover, he +was somebody to talk to. There can be little +doubt if a more aristocratic friend had arrived, +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_265">[Pg 265]</span>Jack would have been cast off; for the colonel +was one of those who, soaring eagle-high above +the Brags of Jack’s school, was known as one +of the most decided tuft-hunters about town.</p> + +<p>The colonel, too, observed with great care +the different grades and degrees of the peerage +in the selection of the invitations which he received; +like Brag, he possessed, only upon the +greater scale, what Foote calls, “the paltry +ambition of levying and following titles; the +poverty of fastening upon men of distinction in +public, for no other reason but because of their +rank, adhering to Sir John till the baronet is +superseded by my lord, quitting the puny peer +for an earl, and sacrificing all three to a duke.”</p> + +<p>It is greatly to be lamented in the present +much-complained-of—how justly I do not pretend +to decide—absence of talent in dramatic +writing, that the rich and abundant humour of +Foote, should, because it is certainly overlaid +by much of that, which, in these days of delicacy +and refinement would not be endured upon +the stage, be altogether lost. Having quoted a +line or two from one of his comedies, illustrative +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_266">[Pg 266]</span>of Colonel Stiffkey’s passion for tufts, I +cannot resist the temptation of extracting that +part of the scene, in the “Lame Lover,” in +which he justifies the young lady’s expressed +opinion of his addiction to titles, and practically +works it out. The passage is curious as +well as humorous—humorous, because the +satire strikes at all ages; and curious, inasmuch +as in twenty lines it familiarises us with customs +and habits characteristic of the time at +which it was written (the year 1770), of which +now no trace or vestige remains.</p> + +<p>Sir Luke, the tuft-hunter, is on the stage, +with Serjeant Circuit and Charlotte, a servant +enters and delivers a card to Sir Luke.</p> + +<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Sir Luke.</span></p> + +<p>(<em>Reads</em>) “Sir Gregory Goose desires the +honour of Sir Luke Limp’s company to dine. +An answer is desired.”—Gad-so! a little unlucky—I +have been engaged for these three +weeks.</p> + +<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Serjeant.</span></p> + +<p>I find Sir Gregory is returned for the corporation +of Fleece’em.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_267">[Pg 267]</span></p> + +<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Sir Luke.</span></p> + +<p>Is he?—Oh, ho!—that alters the case.—George, +give my compliments to Sir Gregory, +and say I’ll certainly come and dine there.—Order +Joe to run to Alderman Inkle’s, in +Threadneedle-street: sorry can’t wait upon +him; but confined to my bed for two days +with the influenza.</p> + +<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span></p> + +<p>You make light, Sir Luke, of this sort of +engagements?</p> + +<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Sir Luke.</span></p> + +<p>What can a man do? These fellows (when +one has the misfortune to meet them) take +scandalous advantage; teazing one with, “Pray +when will you do me the honour, Sir Luke, to +take your mutton with me? Do name the +day.” What’s to be done?—they are as bad as +a beggar, who attacks your coach going up-hill, +there’s no getting rid of either without +a penny to one, and a promise to the other; +not but that upon these occasions there is no +man in England more punctual than—</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_268">[Pg 268]</span></p> + +<p><em>Enter a servant, who gives</em> <span class="smcap">Sir Luke</span> <i>a letter</i>.—From +whom?</p> + +<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Servant.</span></p> + +<p>The Earl of Brentford, Sir Luke. The servant +waits for an answer.</p> + +<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Sir Luke</span>.</p> + +<p>Answer!—By your leave, Mr. Serjeant and +Charlotte. (<em>Reads.</em>) “Taste for music!”—umph!—“Mons. +Dupont—fail—dinner upon +table at five.” Gad-so!—I hope Sir Gregory’s +servant is not gone.</p> + +<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Servant.</span></p> + +<p>Immediately, sir, on receiving the answer.</p> + +<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Sir Luke.</span></p> + +<p>Run after him, as fast as you can. Tell +him—“quite in despair:—recollect an engagement +that can’t in nature be missed:”—and be +back in an instant.</p> + +<blockquote> +<p class="right">[<em>Servant runs out.</em></p> +</blockquote> + +<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span></p> + +<p>You see, sir, the knight must give way to +my lord.</p> + +<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Sir Luke.</span></p> + +<p>No: it isn’t that, my dear Charlotte. You +saw that it was quite an extempore business. +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_269">[Pg 269]</span>No, it isn’t for the title; but, to tell you the +truth, Brentford has more talent than any man +in the world: it is <em>that</em>, which makes me fond +of his house.</p> + +<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span></p> + +<p>By the choice of his company he gives an +unanswerable instance of <em>that</em>.</p> + +<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Sir Luke.</span></p> + +<p>You are right, my dear girl. But now, to +give you a proof of his wit:—Brentford’s finances +are a little out of repair, which procures +him some visits he would very gladly excuse. +One morning a Welsh coachmaker +came to him with his bill; my lord had him +up. “You are called Mr. Lloyd, I think?” +said Brentford. “At your lordship’s service, +my lord.” “What!—Lloyd with an L?” +“With an L, my lord,” said the coachmaker. +“—Because,” said my lord, “I have heard +that in <em>your</em> part of the world, Lloyd and +Floyd are synonymous—the very same names.” +“Always, my lord,” said the coachmaker. +“That,” says my lord, “is rather unlucky: +for, you must know, I am paying off my debts +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_270">[Pg 270]</span>alphabetically; and in four or five years you +<em>might</em> have come in with an F; but I can +give you very slight hopes for your L.”—Ha, +ha, ha!—(<em>Enter a servant abruptly, who runs +against</em> <span class="smcap">Sir Luke</span>.)—Can’t you see where you +are running? you rascal!</p> + +<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Servant.</span></p> + +<p>Sir, his grace the Duke of ——</p> + +<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Sir Luke.</span></p> + +<p>Grace!—where is he?—where?</p> + +<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Servant.</span></p> + +<p>In his coach at the door. If you a’n’t better +engaged, would be glad of your company to go +into the City, and take a dinner at Dolly’s.</p> + +<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Sir Luke.</span></p> + +<p>In his own coach, did you say?</p> + +<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Servant.</span></p> + +<p>Yes, sir.</p> + +<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Sir Luke.</span></p> + +<p>With the coronets—or——?</p> + +<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Servant.</span></p> + +<p>I believe so.</p> + +<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Sir Luke.</span></p> + +<p>There’s no resisting that:—bid John run to +Sir Gregory Goose’s.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_271">[Pg 271]</span></p> + +<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Servant.</span></p> + +<p>He is already gone to Alderman Inkle’s.</p> + +<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Sir Luke.</span></p> + +<p>Then do you step to the knight’s. Hey!—no—you +must go to my lord’s. Hold, hold!—no—I +have it:—step first to Sir Greg’s; +then pop in at Lord Brentford’s, just as the +company are going to dinner.</p> + +<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Servant.</span></p> + +<p>What shall I say to Sir Gregory?</p> + +<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Sir Luke.</span></p> + +<p>Anything!—what I told you before.</p> + +<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Servant.</span></p> + +<p>And what to my lord?</p> + +<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Sir Luke.</span></p> + +<p>What?—why, tell him that my uncle from +Epsom——no,—that won’t do,—for he knows +I don’t care a farthing for <em>him</em>. Hey!—tell +him—hold!—I have it:—tell him, that as I +was getting into my chair, to obey his lordship’s +commands, I was arrested by a couple +of bailiffs, forced into a hackney-coach, and +carried to “The Pied Bull” in the Borough.—I +beg ten thousand pardons for keeping his +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_272">[Pg 272]</span>grace waiting—but his grace knows my misfor——</p> + +<p>And away goes Sir Luke, without taking the +slightest notice of either his learned friend the +serjeant, or the dear girl Charlotte, both of +whom he leaves perfectly satisfied with the +justness of the character the latter had drawn +of her “lame lover.”</p> + +<p>The spirit of this bit, and the peculiarities +of contemporaneous society which it exhibits, +will perhaps excuse the quotation. The duke +inviting the knight to a dinner at Dolly’s; the +knight getting into his chair to go to dine with +the earl, and resting his apology upon an +arrest by bailiffs, and a transfer to “The Pied +Bull” in the Borough, all sound marvellously +strange to modern ears: and yet there are still +those alive who well remember Foote, and who +speak of him as a correct painter of manners, +and whose inherent humour received additional +brilliancy from his unquestioned power of +“holding the mirror up to Nature.”</p> + +<p>Stiffkey, however, was not Limp, and when +he and Jack strolled to the hotel to order their +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_273">[Pg 273]</span>repast, his countenance brightened up considerably +when the waiter handed him a letter, +which had been sent over by somebody coming +from Hailsham, to which place it had been forwarded +by the cross-road coach from Dover, +and which he in a moment recognised as being +from George Gunnersbury. His announcement +to Jack of this happy arrival was not quite so +well received by the little gentleman in the +cords as he imagined it might have been.</p> + +<p>Jack walked about the room while his new +friend was reading the despatch, very much +in doubt what the nature of its contents might +be; and hoping, with all possible fervour and +earnestness, that at all events it might announce +some insurmountable obstacle in the +way of the writer’s visit to Eastbourne.</p> + +<p>“Gad!” said Stiffkey, “George is a capital +fellow; he will be here to-morrow afternoon; he +writes the best letter of any fellow I know: he +is particularly shy to strangers, but when one +knows him thoroughly, his sly humour, that I +spoke of this morning, is capital. He gives a +description of a dinner party they had the other +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_274">[Pg 274]</span>day, which is admirable. He says, ‘My dear +good father, who is certainly the best-disposed +general in his Majesty’s service, contrives to +pick up the oddest tigers imaginable; we had a +day or two ago a German baron, who spoke no +English, and, as nobody in our family, except +my sister Eliza, understands three words of +German, the poor gentleman—or, by courtesy—nobleman, +had a bad time of it; but we had +also a fellow presented to us, under the fostering +protection of a worthy friend of ours, who beat +anything I had ever seen out of a travelling caravan,—an +animal which certainly talked, and +was therefore human, otherwise I should have +taken it for an astounding cross in the breed +between an ape and a horse-jockey: he affronted +half the party, after having disgusted all of it, +and made his escape from a pelting of decanters +and wine-glasses by affecting to save some people +from a stranded brig, near which he never +went, but, instead of venturing ancle-deep into +the water to rescue the sufferers, retired to bed +‘half-seas-over,’ at least, so I have heard; but +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_275">[Pg 275]</span>of these matters we will discourse more anon. I +will be with you by six at the latest.’”</p> + +<p>“Capital fun,” said the Colonel, “isn’t it? +A cross between an ape and a horse-jockey! uncommon +good!”</p> + +<p>“Deuced funny, indeed!” said Jack, whipping +his boots; “that’s a capital fellow,—eh? +straight up, right down, and no mistake. We +<em>shall</em> have fun when <em>he</em> comes.”</p> + +<p>The detestation which Mr. George Gunnersbury’s +personal conduct had engendered in +Jack’s heart in the first instance, had now grown +to its fullest growth; nor was it in the slightest +degree qualified by the accidental omission of his +name, or that of his introducer, (as Jack called +it,) which would certainly have rendered the +rest of the day more disagreeable than it promised +to be in the company of the colonel. +For the next, Jack, “in course,” was prepared,—a +letter from Town would call him away; and +so everything seemed at the moment to turn up +well, out of all the ills that threatened him; +his mother’s answer to his letter from Hythe +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_276">[Pg 276]</span>would, in all probability, come to hand in the +morning, which would give an air of consistency +to his sudden departure, and satisfy his +aristocratic friend of the absolute necessity for +breaking up the agreeable party.</p> + +<p>After having ordered dinner, the colonel and +Jack strolled down on to the sands, wrote words +on the sand with their sticks; sat down on the +shingle; then wandered towards the watch-house; +then came back and talked to the vestals +at the baths,—inquired about laver,—found +it too early in the season to have it +good; then looked at the half-dozen carriages +which were standing in the coach-house of the +hotel; then went to Weston’s, and bought some +gingerbread nuts; then into the Library, and +played with a little ball that went into a hole +at the top of a twisted tube, and came out at +the bottom, and rolled about a little, and at last +settled into a hole of its own; then Stiffkey +looked through a glass, and saw a schooner +pitching disagreeably, and Jack went out and +helped a little fat-faced child who wore a straw +hat and feather, and trousers, and scarlet morocco +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_277">[Pg 277]</span>slippers, on to the back of a donkey; and +then the colonel puffed little pellets out of a +pea-shooter, across the shop, at a doll, which +one of the young ladies of the establishment +immediately removed; and then Jack looked +up at a little bay-window where a prettyish +girl was sitting, who immediately got up and +pulled the blind down; and then they both +betook themselves to throwing stones from the +beach into the sea, during which operation +they had the satisfaction of seeing Mrs. Peckover +and her party draw up to the door of <em>her</em> +house, it then wanting one hour of their time +of dining, and at least two of that, at which +Peckover proposed their dining with <em>him</em>. This +settled that affair, and convinced them, as Mrs. +Peckover intended it should, that into <em>her</em> house +no such persons as Jack should set foot. The +colonel might have been received; but the moment +that Mrs. Peckover, with her lynx eyes, +perceived Jack’s unfortunate white cords and +tops, from her balcony, <em>his</em> fate was decided. She +taxed Peckover with the fact of his being one +of his hunting friends, and P. could not endure +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_278">[Pg 278]</span>the trial;—it was so,—and admitted,—but then, +Mrs. Peckover knew everything intuitively.</p> + +<p>In divers and sundry pursuits, equally interesting +and exciting with those which have just +been described, the two new friends killed +the enemy, until it was time to dress for dinner; +they accordingly repaired to their rooms, +Stiffkey’s servant being in readiness to attend +him, and Jack swearing at the incalculable stupidity +of his man who was not there to dress +<em>him</em>. Jack affected to bear it all with good-nature +and complacency, and it all went very well +till he actually found himself alone, and then it +was that he began to calculate whither he should +next go,—for go he must; the arrival of the +hated Gunnersbury would be the signal for +his extinction and extermination; but thought +Jack, “At all events, I’m safe till the morning; +and then the letter, and all that, will get me +clear off, if it comes; and if it don’t, I must +write one myself.”</p> + +<p>Accordingly Jack proceeded to dress, and +made himself look uncommon nice, with an +olive-green coat, and a Pomona-green waistcoat, +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_279">[Pg 279]</span>and a pair of uncommonly smart black +kerseymere trousers, with stockings and shoes +to match: in short, he felt that he had done it; +and when he made allowance for the absence of +a servant, the approbation of his elegant friend +would no doubt be unqualified: and so down +he went to the dining-room, where, in a few +minutes, he was joined by Stiffkey, who without +any effort had achieved that, which Jack +could never have accomplished with a two-hundred +horse power. He looked like a gentleman.</p> + +<p>The dinner was served, and put down. Stiffkey +proposed some of Toone’s sherry, and one +bottle of champaign between the two;—should +it be <i lang="fr">moussu</i>?—well iced;—certainly—the soup +was—soup;—the fish not entirely blameable, +and whatever other things there were, were all +tolerable,—each in its way. Claret followed +the champaign; and in about half an hour after +they sat down, they were tranquilly sipping +their wine, with a few watering-place pears +and cricket-ball peaches by way of dessert, discoursing +upon topics the most interesting and +agreeable.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_280">[Pg 280]</span></p> + +<p>“If I stayed here,” said the colonel, “I +should get some house or lodging; this hotel +is all very well, but it isn’t quite the thing; +and yet I don’t know about a house for a +single man,—and, probably, I shall go back +with George in two or three days.”</p> + +<p>“There’s certainly a difference,” said Jack, +“between this and the ‘Ship’ at Dover: the +‘Ship’ is, in course, the only house fit to go to +there: for my own part, I think that <em>is</em> the +worst of travelling;—the chances and changes,—and +then to be ‘run to earth’ here without a +slavey. It is the very deuce,—eh!—uncommon +slow, and no mistake.”</p> + +<p>“Help yourself to some claret,” said the colonel, +cracking a biscuit; “yes,—it <em>is</em> a bore to +be sure. I think you live in Grosvenor street, +when you are in town?—at least I have seen +your name on a door there.”</p> + +<p>“Yes,” said Jack; “I’m very little at home;—I’m +what you call, everywhere;—I hate being +still; whenever I can, I run down to a little +place I have out of town, where I shut myself +up whenever I am able.”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_281">[Pg 281]</span></p> + +<p>“Have you much wood about your place?” +said Stiffkey.</p> + +<p>Jack recollected the carpenter’s-shop, and +said, confidently,—“Yes, lots.”</p> + +<p>“Well,” said the colonel, “I declare I thought +you would have married that Mrs. Dallington.”</p> + +<p>“No,” said Jack; “there are many things +more than meet the ear;—there <em>are</em> objections,—so +I made way for those, who couldn’t make +their own.”</p> + +<p>At this moment the waiter entered the room, +and announced that the London coach had just +arrived, and that a lady and gentleman, on the +outside, were inquiring for Mr. Brag.</p> + +<p>“For me!” said Jack, a thousand horrid +ideas rushing into his brain.</p> + +<p>“Yes, sir,” said the waiter, “they are in the +hall.”</p> + +<p>This announcement startled Jack most tremendously:—a +lady enquiring for him—just +arrived. Who could it be?—neither the widow +Dallington nor Miss Blanche Englefield—certainly +not. But might it not be Anne—Nancy? +That she had been most violently agitated at beholding +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_282">[Pg 282]</span>him, was perfectly certain; that the +only account he had received of her feelings or +wishes as to breaking off their acquaintance for +ever, was derived from her husband, who might +have assumed a tone which, after all he was not +justified by facts in adopting. Perhaps she still +loved him,—still resolved to prove her affection: +after struggling for years, her firmness +had yielded, and she had eloped from her new +husband to pass the rest of her life with him.</p> + +<p>The first flash of this thought was delightful: +interest—adventure—escape—pursuit—vanity—notoriety—action +for <abbr title="criminal conversation">crim. con.</abbr>—damages—a duel—“a +bullet in the thorax”—all +whirled through his well-curled head, as he +jumped from his seat at table to shield and +screen the interesting object of his hopes and +wishes from the gaze of Stiffkey, until he was +quite sure of his bird;—when, before he could +reach the door, his eyes were greeted, and his +ears astounded, by the appearance of his exemplary +mother, and a cry of “Jack, my boy, how +are you?” uttered by that respectable matron.</p> + +<p>“My dear ma’am,” said Jack, almost petrified, +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_283">[Pg 283]</span>and extending his arms,—not for an embrace, +but to endeavour to prevent her farther +entrance into the room—“what on earth has +brought you here?”</p> + +<p>“The stage-coach,” said the old lady. +“Come, git out of the way; let us come in +and sit down.”</p> + +<p>Saying which, she pushed by her son, to the +astonishment of Stiffkey, who immediately rose +from his seat.</p> + +<p>“Don’t disturb yourself, sir,” said the lady; +“there’s plenty of room:—only coming outside, +the wind blows up all about one, and I’m +as cold as charity—though Jim made me have +a glass of hot rum and water at the last place +we stopped at.”</p> + +<p>“Very nice beverage, ma’am,” said Stiffkey, +with one of his most graceful bows.</p> + +<p>“My dear ma’am,” said Jack, “wouldn’t you +rather have another room? We have scarcely +finished dinner, and it would be more comfortable +to have a sitting-room to yourself.”</p> + +<p>“They haven’t got another sitting-room disengaged,” +said the lady; “Jim asked them. +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_284">[Pg 284]</span>No matter: what’s good enough for <em>you</em>, Jack, +is good enough for <em>me</em>; so this will do for us +till bed-time.”</p> + +<p>“My dear colonel,” said Jack—</p> + +<p>“My dear sir,” said Stiffkey, “no apologies. +I am too glad to see any friends of yours—if +I don’t intrude.”</p> + +<p>“Intrude!” said the lady—“not a bit: we +have no secrets, sir. To be sure, things have +turned out queerish: however, you have as +much right here as we, and we as you—so we +won’t make no words of that. Why, you dine +late, Jack!”</p> + +<p>“No, on the contrary, rather early,” said +Jack, perfectly at a loss what to do, overcome +by the unexpectedness of the visit, from its +being so particularly ill-timed, and by the +malicious determination which Stiffkey had too +evidently formed of not stirring: indeed, the +announcement of the fact, that there was no +other sitting-room disengaged, would of itself +have justified his remaining in what really was +his own apartment, even if he had not wished +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_285">[Pg 285]</span>to stay out a scene which promised him some +amusement.</p> + +<p>“Jack,” said the lady, “I want you just +to look out and see if Jim is getting in all +the bundles and things.”</p> + +<p>“Who is Jim?” said Jack in an under tone.</p> + +<p>“Jim Salmon,” said the lady.</p> + +<p>“What! is <em>he</em> with you?”</p> + +<p>“Yes,” said his mother, “where else should +he be?”</p> + +<p>At this moment Jem made his appearance, +dressed in a tight light green coat, and a buff-waistcoat, +with striped blue and white cotton +trousers, made tightish to his plump figure, a +coloured check handkerchief round his neck, +and a white hat stuck on one side of his head, +with a bunch of whitish-red curls sticking out +from under it.</p> + +<p>“Ah!” said Jem, “Brag, how d’ye do?”—“didn’t +expect us. I reckoned—skimming down +here—eh? Titsy would come—agreeable surprise—twig?”</p> + +<p>“Very agreeable, indeed!” said Brag, drawing +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_286">[Pg 286]</span>back somewhat indignantly from the familiar +approach of the <i lang="fr">ci-devant</i> shopboy.</p> + +<p>“Have you got all the parcels up to the +bed-room, J. S.?” said the lady.</p> + +<p>“Yes, Titsy,” said Jem.</p> + +<p>“Got the umbrella, J. S.?” said the lady.</p> + +<p>“No, Titsy,” replied Jem, “but I’ll be +after it in no time—twig?”</p> + +<p>Jack’s dismay and mortification had now +risen to a considerable height. What could +have induced his mother to make Jem Salmon +her travelling companion?—what could have +induced her to undertake the journey?—or +what Jem could mean by calling his respectable +parent “Titsy,” were to him questions unsolvable. +One thing, however, appeared necessary: +the old lady had evidently planted herself +for the evening where she was; Stiffkey, +who had scarcely begun his wine, and had no +engagement elsewhere, had quietly deposited +himself in an arm-chair: Jack, therefore, +felt it absolutely essential to introduce the +colonel to their fair visiter, resolving, afterwards, +to check her in her conversation, so as +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_287">[Pg 287]</span>to prevent the developement of all the real circumstances +of the case, and trust to chance and +impudence to wriggle through and out of this +most “untoward affair.”</p> + +<p>“This, Colonel,” said Jack, “is my mother:—Colonel +Stiffkey, madam.”</p> + +<p>Mutual bows ratified the treaty.</p> + +<p>“I say,” said the lady, “put a chair for +Jim. P’raps, he is taking a drop of something.”</p> + +<p>“Mr. Salmon, ma’am,” said Brag—“is he +coming in?”</p> + +<p>“I s’pose so,” said the lady.</p> + +<p>“Oh!” said Brag.</p> + +<p>“Here he is,” said the lady. “All right +now, Jim?”</p> + +<p>“Yes, Titsy,” said Jem.</p> + +<p>Jack’s astonishment at the repetition of this +“familiar word” was too great to admit of +concealment, and accordingly betrayed itself in +his countenance.</p> + +<p>“Ah!” said his mother, “that’s it—isn’t +it, Jim? He doesn’t know all.”</p> + +<p>“No,” said Jem—“don’t twig, Titsy.”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_288">[Pg 288]</span></p> + +<p>“I told you, John, I should surprise you +one of these days,” said his mother:—“J. S. +and I are married!”</p> + +<p>“Married!” exclaimed Jack.</p> + +<p>“Yes,” said Jem, “Titsy is Mrs. Salmon—d’ye +twig?”</p> + +<p>“My dear mother,” said Jack, “are you +serious?”</p> + +<p>“No, Jack,” replied Mrs. James Salmon,—for +such she really was,—“never less serious +in my life since your daddy died. All true:—Jim +and I were married last Friday was a week +at Hornsey church, and passed the honey-day—we +couldn’t stop out longer on account of +the business—at ‘The Sluice House.’”</p> + +<p>“This <em>is</em> really a surprise!” said Stiffkey, +sipping his claret, looking, how—it is impossible +to describe.</p> + +<p>Jack was, as Major Downing says, “catawampously +stumped,” and could say nothing.</p> + +<p>“It oughtn’t to be, sir,” said Mrs. Salmon, +addressing herself to the dandy. “Jack +knowed well enough what a lone life I led. +He never came near me—never, except for +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_289">[Pg 289]</span>what you could get, Jack—did you? He +advised me to marry, sir—and I could tell +you a pretty story about <em>that</em>, if I liked—eh! +Jack?—the pickle-shop. Well, so things +went on, till at last—praise afore people’s +faces sometimes spoils them—I took Jim for +better or worse.”</p> + +<p>“A very prudent resolve, indeed, ma’am,” +said the Colonel, taking a huge pinch of snuff.</p> + +<p>“My dear Colonel,” said Jack, “I am sure +we ought to apologize for troubling you with +our family affairs. I wish—eh!—isn’t there +any other room—are you sure?”</p> + +<p>“A’nt I?” said Jem—“first thing as I axed +about—twig?”</p> + +<p>“Get yourself something warm, Jim,” said the +ancient bride: “I’m sure if the cold once gets +into your poor little stomach, you’ll have no +rest all night. I know what it is myself to be +troubled with cold:—and I tell you what, +Johnny, we shall want a bit of something by +way of supper; for though we had three or +four mutton-chops at Godstone, which were +very nicely done, and fine meat too, and uncommon +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_290">[Pg 290]</span>fat, still that was some time ago—and +I get peckish at night somehow.”</p> + +<p>“Fat!” said Mr. Salmon—“yes, they <em>were</em> +fat—reminded me of the shop, Brag—twig?”</p> + +<p>“I should venture to recommend,” said the +colonel with the most studied politeness, +“something to drink—a glass of claret—or——”</p> + +<p>“Oh, Lor’ no!” said Mrs. Salmon, “no +claret for me, sir: as I used to say to my poor +dear first—Jack’s father—don’t talk to me +of claret: it’s a waste of time as well as of +money to drink them sort of thin stuffs! If +Jack was to have behaved like what he is, he +might have asked me to take some kind of refreshment +before this; for since the rum and +water at—what do they call that last place we +stopped at, Jemes?”—</p> + +<p>“Wholesome, Titsy,” said the bridegroom.</p> + +<p>“Hailsham, mother,—Hailsham,” said Jack, +“is the name of the place.”</p> + +<p>“I haven’t had the least drop as is, in my +mouth, since Godstone,” continued Mrs. Salmon.</p> + +<p>“And there,” said Salmon, “the hale was +uncommon ’eavy.”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_291">[Pg 291]</span></p> + +<p>“What! ma’am,” said Stiffkey, “had you +a storm, coming down?”</p> + +<p>“No, no,” said Jack,—who, although he +could not, as his mother would have said, “exasperate” +the <em>h</em> himself, was nervously alive to +the absurdity of anybody else who laboured +under a similar incapacity—“ale—the ale was +heavy.”</p> + +<p>“Come, Mr. Brag,” said the Colonel, “the +wine is with you.”</p> + +<p>“Yes,” said Jack, “and I’m not the man +to stop it—eh? I like it to go—keep circulating, +as we say, right up, straight down, and +no mistake?”</p> + +<p>“What do they charge, John, for claret +here?” said Mrs. Salmon, addressing her son.</p> + +<p>“Can’t say, I am sure,” said Jack.</p> + +<p>“I say,” said Salmon, leaning over towards +his wife, with his hand up to his mouth to hide +a very audible whisper—“that’s <em>it</em>—they +never pay!—twig? But, I say, Titsy, what +will you have—something hot?”</p> + +<p>“Whatever you like, dear,” <span id="TN2">said the respectable +matron</span>.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_292">[Pg 292]</span></p> + +<p>“I tell you what,” said Salmon, “I’ll just +go out and brew for you myself. I know your +taste—eh?—don’t I? Sugar, rum, nutmeg—eh?—twig?”</p> + +<p>With this most affectionate speech Mr. Salmon +left the room, Jack regularly used up, and +the colonel, who was now convinced that his +particular friend must be the identical creature +described in Gunnersbury’s letter from Dover, +having thrown himself back in his chair, waited +to hear what might happen next.</p> + +<p>“Sad business about Kitty!” said Mrs. +Salmon.</p> + +<p>“Yes, mother,” said Jack, “but don’t you +think we might as well defer any discussion of +that sort till the morning.”</p> + +<p>“Why,” said Mrs. Salmon, “I don’t know; +if the gentleman is <em>your</em> friend, there’s no harm +speaking out before him,—and I can’t stop +here long. I thought I would surprise you; +and I think a bit of a-washing to-morrow in the +sea won’t do me no harm. It’s now two-and-thirty—aye, +let me see, more than that—five-and-thirty +years since I was in a bath of any +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_293">[Pg 293]</span>kind, and I thought if I could manage to see +<em>you</em>, and tell you all about my wedding, and +talk over poor Kitty’s business, and get a bit of +a wash, all under one, it would be doing a great +deal; and as the whole front of the shop has +been new painted, and James has had all those +dangling dips, which you didn’t like, taken +down—I said to him, ‘Jim,’ says I, ‘now +we’ve got this letter from John, what d’ye say +of a bit of a holiday till the stink of the paint +goes off, and then we can tell him all, how, and +about it?’ Don’t you think I was right?”</p> + +<p>“Perfectly, ma’am,” said Jack, “perfectly—only +I don’t quite comprehend what you are +talking about.”</p> + +<p>“I say, sir,” said Mrs. Salmon, appealing to +the Colonel, who was enjoying the scene, and +gathering in, all he could collect, wherewith to +amuse his friend Gunnersbury when he should +arrive—“isn’t that good? John’s father and +I carried on a most excellent business for five-and-twenty +years:—I’ve got the shop-cards +in my pocket now, with the new name introduced +‘Salmon, successor to Brag:’—and +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_294">[Pg 294]</span>yet he doesn’t comprehend what I am talking +about when I tell him about new painting the +shop, and dowsing the danglers, as Jim says.”</p> + +<p>“My dear mother,” said Jack, “hadn’t you +better go to bed? I assure you this travelling—eh?—don’t +you think—it has upset you—?”</p> + +<p>“Upset! no,” said Mrs. Salmon, “I’m not +going to bed at half-past seven o’clock to +please the pope—no, nor the lord-mayor neither: +I’m going to have a nice bit of sum’mut +for supper. Here, John, jump up and open the +door—I hear Jim knocking: he has got the +grog, or whatever it is.”</p> + +<p>Jack, utterly discomfited, did as he was bid.</p> + +<p>“Scaldings!” cried Mr. Salmon, his father-in-law—“scaldings!—here +it is, Titsy, as +hot as hot. Mind your eye, Brag—shut the +door: that’s right—clever lad—eh?—twig?”</p> + +<p>Things had gone so far at this period of the +business, that Jack, seeing it was perfectly impossible +longer to blind the colonel to the real +state of the case, gave himself up in despair, +and felt convinced that the morning must afford +him safety in flight. The coolness of Stiffkey +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_295">[Pg 295]</span>during the whole of the proceedings, the unbounded +civility with which he treated the old +lady, the dignified goodnature with which he +permitted Mr. Salmon to tread over his feet, +and even scatter the “honey-dew” of the hot +mixture, which he had himself prepared and +brought into the room, over his shins, killed +Jack, who knew by experience the mode in +which good-breeding receives the coarsenesses +and vulgarities of the world, and saw that the +whole fabric of his favour with the colonel, in +erecting which he had passed the entire day, +was fast crumbling to atoms.</p> + +<p>“Shall we have some more wine?” said the +colonel to Brag, doing the elegant with as +much unaffected grace as if Jack’s mother had +been a duchess who had married a fool for the +sake of his title.</p> + +<p>“As you like, colonel,” said Jack, “only I +fear—”</p> + +<p>“Fear nothing,” said Stiffkey, “I never +was happier; and if I don’t bore you——”</p> + +<p>“Oh!” said Jack bowing.</p> + +<p>“Not in the least, sir,” said Salmon, “we +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_296">[Pg 296]</span>are too happy to have you stay. I’ve always +heard say that it is one of the great advantages +of these watering-places getting into genteel +company—eh!—twig?”</p> + +<p>Jack could have annihilated the shopboy, although +he <em>was</em> his father-in-law.</p> + +<p>“But, as I was saying, John,” said Mrs. +Salmon, “because, as the gentleman tells us, +we <em>may</em> speak out before <em>him</em>—poor Kitty made +a bad mess of it; she was always a wayward +girl,—she quite run away from George, at last,—so +he writes me,—went and lived with other +people,—just as it happened;—all came from +drinking, John,” here the old lady mended her +draught. “Wasn’t it shocking, sir?”</p> + +<p>“Dreadful ma’am!” said Stiffkey, “very +dreadful.”</p> + +<p>“My dear mother,” said Jack, “don’t trouble +the Colonel.”</p> + +<p>“The trouble is a pleasure,” said Stiffkey; +“some unfortunate creature, who, being in the +habit of drinking, I suppose, ran away from +her husband: a thing that will happen, ma’am, +amongst servants even of the best character.”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_297">[Pg 297]</span></p> + +<p>“Servants, sir?” cried Mrs. Salmon.</p> + +<p>“My dear mother,” said Jack, “never +mind.”</p> + +<p>“But I <em>do</em> mind, John,” said the lady, who +had just arrived at a point of obfuscation, at +which the main points under discussion are +always forgotten, and the minor incidents shine +forth most brilliantly—“why should the gentleman +call <em>my</em> daughter Kitty a servant?—she +never was a servant! she made a foolish match,—ran +away with a serjeant—a reglar common +soger,—and then ran away <em>from</em> him,—all ill +treatment, sir, and the heat of the climate;—and—” +here Mrs. Salmon burst into a flood of +tears; whereupon, Jem, in order to enlighten +the Colonel, and utterly annihilate Jack, gave +him a familiar tap on the shoulder, and said, in +a confidential tone, “bolted,—altogether—quite—entirely,—twig?”</p> + +<p>The Colonel drew back shrinkingly from the +unexpected familiarity, and signified by a distant +bow that he was sufficiently aware of the +circumstances to which the lady had so feelingly +alluded.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_298">[Pg 298]</span></p> + +<p>“However,” said Mrs. Salmon, recovering, +“what’s done can’t be undone; she is now +gone to her long home, and it’s of no use raking +up old grievances: she had a good education, +and made a bad use of it; and what’s +more, she was cheated into marrying him; and +Nance Brown,—she was at the bottom of it, +and yet she has contrived to get up in the +world; and so has George himself,—how, I +don’t pretend to say.”</p> + +<p>“My dear mother,” said Jack, “let us talk +of something else; it cannot be very entertaining +to the colonel to hear all our grievances.”</p> + +<p>“Entertaining!” said Mrs. Salmon, “I’m +sure I don’t mean to entertain anybody. When +I feels, I speaks; and why shouldn’t I, John?—an’t +it natural for a mother to feel?”</p> + +<p>“Don’t take on so, Titsy,” said Salmon. +“There’s some cold boiled leg of mutton and +pickles coming; they are only waiting to get a +bit of potato mashed. I didn’t forget to order +your early supper,—twig?”</p> + +<p>“You are a kind-hearted creetur,” said Mrs. +Salmon to her husband, “and that makes one +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_299">[Pg 299]</span>feel neglect from others the more; however, +we won’t talk about that. J. S. dear, tell John +what alterations we are going to make at home.”</p> + +<p>“To be sure,” said Jem. “I say, Brag, +you know that big copper on the left-hand of +the melting-house? I mean to have that put +farther back, and git a door made into the +lane, behind the cart-house, so as we can bring +the fat in all reg’lar, without coming through +the front-shop,—twig?”</p> + +<p>“Yes, yes,” said Jack, “a very good arrangement—and +no mistake.”</p> + +<p>“Then, I mean to clap a sky-light on the top +of the back-parlour,” continued Mr. Salmon, +“which will make it uncommon lively to what +it was. Why, in the old gentleman’s time, +when I was a bit of a boy, it used to be as +dark and as dismal as the Plenipotentiary on +Milbank,—twig?”</p> + +<p>“And round it, John,” said Mrs. Salmon, “I +mean to have ever so many flower-pots with +gerenums, and fooshies, and you can’t think +how nice they will look in the summer if the +cats don’t knock ’em down in the night.”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_300">[Pg 300]</span></p> + +<p>“Here’s the mutton, Titsy,” said Jem.</p> + +<p>And sure enough, in came the waiter, accompanied +by a female assistant with a tray, on +which the promised leg appeared, with pickles +and other condiments,—a dish of mashed potatoes, +and a plate of chopped onions. The maid +spread out a second table, and speedily dressed +it in a snowy cloth: the waiter handed and +arranged the viands; and while doing so, announced +that some hot chops were on their way.</p> + +<p>“Waiter, why don’t you bring us another +bottle of claret?” said Stiffkey, to Jack’s most +perfect and entire mortification; who, with all +his vanity and self-love, could not shut his eyes +to the certainty that his elegant friend Stiffkey +was merely prolonging his stay, in order to be +amused at his expense; and equally well aware +that his mother and the creature whom he was +told was his father-in-law, would, in the course +of the evening, afford him as much entertainment +as he could reasonably expect.</p> + +<p>“Now, Titsy,” said Mr. Salmon, “let me +put you a chair by the table,—ready ag’in the +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_301">[Pg 301]</span>chops come. I suppose it’s a compliment to +ask you to join us?” added the engaging Jem, +himself to Colonel Stiffkey and addressing +Jack.</p> + +<p>“We have just dined,” said Colonel Stiffkey, +with the most imperturbable gravity.</p> + +<p>The old bride and young bridegroom having +drawn close to the board, Jack considered he +might contrive to manage a few minutes’ explanatory +conversation with the colonel, and therefore +drew his chair nearer to him, as if with +a view of facilitating, what an Irish gentleman +would call,—the circulation of the bottle between +the two.</p> + +<p>“To be sure,” whispered Jack, whose whole +character for smartness and sprightliness, and +that sort of slang conversation in which he ordinarily +indulged, had been completely destroyed +by the appearance of visitors, not only unexpected +<em>then</em>, but never to be expected in their +present relative position—“To be sure, Colonel, +there <em>are</em> odd things in the world. Who, +when we sat down here, would have expected +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_302">[Pg 302]</span>this curious coincidence. By Job! what folly,—eh? +a woman at her time of life to throw +herself away upon a fellow of that sort!”</p> + +<p>“Very odd,” said Stiffkey, in an equally +low tone of voice; “but, at that time of life, +these turns will happen. Of what profession is +the young man?”</p> + +<p>“A candle-maker,” said Jack, whispering +directly in the colonel’s ear; having hoisted up +one of his little fat hands, trumpet-wise, to prevent +the affectionate chop-eaters from hearing +the avowal, and hoping, even at this straw-catching +minute, to devolve the whole of the +responsibility of so disgraceful a business upon +his respectable mother, leaving it to be inferred +that she had been love-led into a connexion +much beneath herself.</p> + +<p>“Oh!” said Stiffkey.</p> + +<blockquote> +<p class="no-indent"> + “Love levels ranks: lords down to cellars bears,<br> + And bids the candle-maker walk up stairs.” +</p> +</blockquote> + +<p>“Very true,” said Jack, “all right,—and no +mistake.”</p> + +<p>“I say, John,” said Mr. Salmon, who fortunately +had not heard this little colloquy, “just +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_303">[Pg 303]</span>come here: did you ever see closer fat than this +cold mutton? I should like to have twenty or +thirty ton of it down, ready for melting. I +could sport a dash of hog in him, and no fear of +spluttering.”</p> + +<p>“It’s curious to see,” said Jack, in an under +tone to the colonel, “how, when a man sets +himself to trade, he turns everything to shop.”</p> + +<p>“Very,” said Stiffkey.</p> + +<p>And so it is; but it was much more curious +to observe the total alteration produced +in Jack’s manner and language by the unexpected +visitation of his parent, and her hopeful +help-mate. It seemed as if he was altogether +unstarched; his hair seemed to uncurl +itself, and upon his pale cheek, and contracted +brow, evidently lay the whole weight of his +mortification and dismay.</p> + +<p>“Titsy,” said Salmon, “don’t you malt?”</p> + +<p>“No, my dear J. S.” replied the lady. “I’m +all for something more in the warm line.”</p> + +<p>“That’s right;” said Salmon. “Rum and +water, hot, I consider,—eh?—twig?”</p> + +<p>“Exactly so,” replied Mrs. Salmon. “I +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_304">[Pg 304]</span>can’t think how you two,” turning herself +round, and addressing the gentlemen at the +other table, “can go on drinking that wishy-washy +stuff,—paying, too, so much as you do +for it. As I said before, I consider it a dead +waste of time,—there’s no goodness, no nourishment +in it:—they call riding in a hack cab, taking +danger at eight-pence a mile;—but I call +claret-drinking getting the stomach-ache at ten +shillings a bottle.”</p> + +<p>“Little and good is Titsy’s motto,” said +Jem.</p> + +<p>“Yes, J. S. dear,” said the matron, smiling; +“that’s the reason I took <em>you</em>.”</p> + +<p>“Well said, Titsy,” said Salmon, “she +shan’t be a bad un after all.”</p> + +<p>That Mr. John Brag was not blessed by nature +with any superabundant proportion of +feeling, we have had several opportunities of +ascertaining; but it is only fair to say, that +during this, in every point of view humiliating +scene to the pretender, his uneasiness—misery +it might almost be called—upon his own +personal account, was not equal to that which +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_305">[Pg 305]</span>he felt on account of his mother. That she had +made herself, at her time of life, a fool, by marrying +her shop-man, or shop-boy rather, was +bad enough; but such things—or things as +extraordinary and silly—happen, <em>matrimonially</em>, +every day; and besides, he palliated her absurdity +in this affair by the reflection that he himself +had first advised her to marry somebody, +in order to rescue his name from the trammels +of trade, and that he had probably accelerated +the consummation of her discredit by his +facetious pranks upon Waterloo Bridge, when +he himself contrived to expose her infirmities for +the amusement of his fashionable friends; but, +what <em>did</em> nevertheless pain even <em>him</em>, was the +sight of his parent—of the being who had given +him birth—associated with such a creature as +Jem Salmon, and by him and his endearing +diminutives and nick-names rendered an object +of universal ridicule. To hear this wretched +animal calling a woman three times his age and +four times his size, Titsy, was really and truly +tormenting, separated from any prospective +feeling of certainty that the degradation of +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_306">[Pg 306]</span>his once respectable relative would form the +subject of Stiffkey’s most animated description +of the humours of Eastbourne, to be hereafter +given to his expected visitor and surrounding +friends.</p> + +<p>“I say, John,” said Mrs. Salmon, warming +with her refreshment, “John, when you were +at home last, you did not think I should get +the start of you, however much you advised +it. I haven’t heard of your marrying a Lady +Sally, or a Lady Susan, with forty or fifty +thousand pounds tacked to the title;—I’ve +heard of your doings though, in other places.”</p> + +<p>“Probably,” said Jack, “one can’t help being +talked about.”</p> + +<p>“I mean with Mrs. ——, what’s the +name? J. S.” said Mrs. Salmon;—“up there, +by ——.”</p> + +<p>“Dallington, d’ye mean,” said Jem.</p> + +<p>“Yes, that’s it,” said the matron; “we +heard that story last week—not half a day +after it happened.”</p> + +<p>“What is that?” said Stiffkey, <i lang="la">sotto voce</i> +to Brag.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_307">[Pg 307]</span></p> + +<p>“I’m sure I don’t know what my mother +means,” said Jack; nor did he, nor could he +comprehend how she came to know the name of +the lady.</p> + +<p>“Don’t you, Johnny? I do,” said his mother; +“so does J. S., don’t <em>you</em>? Now, I think +I owe you a turn, for playing me off on the +bridge, so I’ll have a laugh at your expense—all +in fun, now it’s over.”</p> + +<p>“My dear mother,” said Jack, “pray don’t +talk about that affair.”</p> + +<p>“No, not a syllable,” said Mrs. Salmon; +“only we know all about your making love to +the two sisters at once—don’t we, Jemes?”</p> + +<p>“I believe we do too, Titsy,” said Salmon; +“two at a time, that’s all, John—eh—twig?”</p> + +<p>“What, ma’am?” said Stiffkey, who found +he had completely succeeded in making Mrs. +Salmon consider him “quite the gentleman;” +“did our friend try his ambidextrous fortune +with both ladies?”</p> + +<p>“I don’t know,” said Mrs. Salmon, “about +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_308">[Pg 308]</span>whose fortune he tried; all I know he got +none—between two stools, Johnny—”</p> + +<p>—“I know, my dear mother,” said Jack, +“the proverb is by no means new.”</p> + +<p>“No,” said the lady, “nor the moral of it +neither; the way we come to know of it +was through the lady’s housekeeper; they +deal with us for coarse stock, stores and rushlights.”</p> + +<p>“And ile, Titsy,” said Salmon.</p> + +<p>“Yes,” said the lady; “and so Jemes, you +see, went round collecting, and so—but you +tell the story, J. S., dear.”</p> + +<p>“Oh, don’t trouble yourself, sir,” said +Jack.</p> + +<p>“Pray go on, Mr. Salmon,” said Stiffkey.</p> + +<p>“Why, I tell you how it was,” said Salmon; +“I was a just stepping round and collecting, as +Titsy says,—for we had an unmerciful heavy +bill to pay our broker, and I happens to call +at Mrs. Dallington’s—so—the family was just +gone out o’ town—lets see—when was it, Titsy?—one +day late in last week—and so I sees the +housekeeper—Mrs. Cropper—I know’d her in +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_309">[Pg 309]</span>her last place—so I tells her about our little +account, and she says, says she, looking at the +bill, ‘I wonder, now, if your master’s any relation +to the little man which my missus sent +away a night or two ago, with a flea in his ear.’”</p> + +<p>“I must beg,” said Jack,—“I—shall leave +the room if this goes on any farther—I don’t +want to know the secret history of people of +my acquaintance, squeezed out of servants—I +don’t want to know about any little man.”</p> + +<p>“No, love, <em>do</em> hear,” said Mrs. Salmon; “it +only shows how things gits round.”</p> + +<p>“So, I says, says I,” continued Salmon, “I +can’t judge unless you tell me what sort of a +little man he is.—‘Why,’ she says, says she, +‘his name’s Brag—he’s a smartish kind of a +chap, with a curly head; and as full of the gab +as an egg’s full of meat.’—‘A sporting chap?’ +says I.—‘Always a hunting,’ says she.—So +then I just rubs up my hair, and puts up my +collar, and gives her a bit of a take-off of you, +jist after your manner, ‘smack, smooth, right +up, straight down, and no mistake.’ Whereupon +Mrs. Cropper—she’s an uncommon +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_310">[Pg 310]</span>good-natured old thing—she claps her two +hands together and says, says she, ‘By gosh +that’s he—that’s the chap as wanted somehow +to marry my mistress and her sister too, and +got kicked out according<em>ly</em>,’—twig?”</p> + +<p>“Mr. Salmon,” said Brag, trembling with +rage, or something else, and looking as white +as a sheet, “the unfortunate connexion which +my mother has formed with you, keeps me quiet—if—it +was not for that——”</p> + +<p>“Don’t agitate yourself,” said Stiffkey, with +the most perfect <i lang="fr">sang froid</i>. “Mr. Salmon +means no harm, I’m sure.”</p> + +<p>“Harm, not he,” said Mrs. Salmon, “he’s +only lively, and wants a bit of fun.”</p> + +<p>“Fun! the devil, ma’am!” said Jack: “I +shall say nothing; but as for staying in +this room a minute longer, I will not; nor, +ma’am, will I ever set foot in any place in +which that person is to be found. I never +was consulted in <em>your</em> match—and sure you +might run your own race without coming +crossing and jostling me on <em>my</em> course. Colonel,” +added Jack, “I am quite sure this business +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_311">[Pg 311]</span>must be as disagreeable to you as it is +disgusting to me—perhaps you will follow my +example. I shall be glad, ma’am, to say a few +words to <em>you</em> in the morning—and I wish <em>you</em> +a good evening.”</p> + +<p>“I am extremely sorry, Mr. Brag,” said +the Colonel, “that you are annoyed. It only +seems a little playfulness,—it <em>must</em> be all a +joke.”</p> + +<p>“No joke at all, sir,” said Mrs. Salmon; +“it’s all true, only what I say to Jack is, +them as throws stones shouldn’t live in glass +houses.”</p> + +<p>“Well, I’m sure, Titsy,” said Jem. “I’d +no notion of this blow up when we came in—I +meant to be all pleasant and agreeable.”</p> + +<p>“Come, Colonel,” said Jack.</p> + +<p>“Good evening, ma’am,” said the Colonel. +“I suppose I <em>must</em> go, but I assure you I am +particularly sorry to leave such agreeable society.”</p> + +<p>“Where’s Jack?” said Mrs. Salmon.</p> + +<p>“Gone out, Titsy,” said Jem.</p> + +<p>“Like one of his own rushlights, ma’am,” +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_312">[Pg 312]</span>said the Colonel, who immediately followed +him, putting his finger to his nose, archly, +as he quitted the room.</p> + +<p>“Bravo, Colonel,” said Salmon;—“that’s a +prime chap, anyhow—eh? Who’d have thought +of John’s bristling up in that kind of hedge-hog +fashion. I’m sure I only wanted to give the +Colonel a little touch of <em>my</em> way of taking off.”</p> + +<p>“Yes, my dear J. S.,” said the matron, “and +the Colonel seems to have returned the compliment. +I’m sorry you offended Jack, for I +wanted you to be friends.”</p> + +<p>“Then, Titsy, why did you set me on,” +said Jem;—“you know’d when once my spirit’s +up, I can’t stop it.”</p> + +<p>“Why, somehow,” said Mrs. Salmon, “the +rum and water was strong.”</p> + +<p>“’Twas stiffish—twig?” said Salmon.</p> + +<p>“However,” continued the lady, “a fine +morning is a good peace-maker, and I dare +say we shall all be friends again for the short +time we have to stay; besides, to tell <em>you</em> +the truth, I never quite believed that Mrs. +Cropper’s story.”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_313">[Pg 313]</span></p> + +<p>“I’d trust her with my life,” said James, +“as steady a going cretur, full of fun as she +is, as ever trod shoe leather,—takes a tip +of two pounds per annum, and is quite satisfied; +can’t get off with Mr. Evans, the butler, +for twice that. No, no, Titsy, as Jack +says, leave me alone to deal with the fair sex.”</p> + +<p>“Oh you divil!” said Mrs. Salmon, “ring +the bell, J. S., and let us retire for the night; +early as it is, I’m tired, and a little vexed into +the bargain.”</p> + +<p>“Don’t worry yourself, Titsy,” said James. +“I dare say it will be all right to-morrow—eh? +smack, smooth, and no mistake,—twig?”</p> + +<p>“Now, J. S.,” said Mrs. Salmon, “don’t go on +doing <em>that</em>, that’s a dear—there’s nothing folks is +so sore about, as being taken off in that way—don’t +do it.—Johnny lives in good company, as +you see; it is true he has got a particular way +of talking, and all that you said about what he +had done, and all about the ladies, and Cropper +and all, never stirred him no more than you +could stir a fire without a poker; till you come +to mimic him—that it was set his blood up. I +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_314">[Pg 314]</span>saw his little eyes winking, winking, and his +face get as white as a sheet, and I’m sure I +never meant to put him in a passion—only—no—it +was that——”</p> + +<p>“Are you cross, Titsy?” said Jem.</p> + +<p>“Not a bit cross,” said Mrs. Salmon, “only +he’s as touchy as touch-wood—so don’t go +and aggravate him to-morrow.”</p> + +<p>“I promise and wow, Titsy,” said Salmon, +“I will <em>that</em> do—only you see, being as I consider +now, his superior, what the sogers call +commanding officer, I think he might have treated +me with a little more respect.”</p> + +<p>“Never mind <em>that</em>,” said the lady, “ring the +bell, and let’s bundle. I’m dead tired—the +wind blew so fresh—and I can tell you the +top of a coach is not as soft to sit on, as the +cushion of my arm-chair, I’m all shaken to +pieces.”</p> + +<p>J. S. did as he was bid, and the chamber-maid +speedily appeared to attend the matronly +bride to her chamber, J. S. remaining +below as he thought it proper to do, until he +was summoned to his roost. This dull interval +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_315">[Pg 315]</span>he occupied by imbibing a refreshing glass of +some favourite mixture, and in reflecting upon +the unexpected sort of reception he had met +with from his son-in-law. However, he had +scarcely finished his “tipple,” as he called it, +when he was summoned by the attendant sylph, +the respected Mrs. Salmon not occupying any +very considerable period of time in making her +preparations for what she called “tumbling in.”—Jem +drained his goblet, and ascended the +stairs, and “maid-directed,” found the door of +the room which contained his treasure.</p> + +<p>By a preconcerted arrangement the waiter +had been engaged to go, or send over, to the +library, whither <i lang="fr">faute de mieux</i>, the colonel +and Jack had retreated from the unbearable +fire of Mr. Salmon’s extraordinary liveliness, +to let them know when the happy pair were +gone to bed, inasmuch as they might return +to their temporary domicile, and enjoy a few +tranquil moments before <em>they</em> retired to rest. +The moment, therefore, that the Salmonean +savages had “quitted the ground,” a message +was conveyed to the dandy and his friend, +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_316">[Pg 316]</span>informing them that the coast was clear; and +this message arrived at the library precisely at +the moment when Jack had declined playing +any longer billiards, because he knew nothing of +the game, and because he preferred <i lang="fr">ecarté</i>.</p> + +<p>The word <i lang="fr">ecarté</i> sounded mellifluously to +the colonel’s ear—<em>he</em> could play the game a +little; should they go back to the hotel and +try a hand or two—first directing his servant +to open the windows and “freshen” the room—order +broiled bones at twelve, and not play +later than two—positively?</p> + +<p>Brag, the moment he heard this proposition +from the colonel, was convinced that all was +right, and “no mistake;” the absurdities of his +poor mother, and the grossnesses of his youthful +father-in-law had evidently made no impression. +The colonel saw the gentleman in <em>him</em>, and +the very suggestion of broiled bones, ventilated +rooms, and <i lang="fr">ecarté</i> till two, settled the affair. It +was all arranged, and Stiff key’s man was to teach +the willing hostess of the hotel how to concoct +a particular sort of punch, which Sir Stumpey +Dubs, a wealthy friend of his master, had invented,—of +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_317">[Pg 317]</span>which composition, averse as the +colonel was from strong drink, the weakest ingredient +was Jamaica rum, the whole compound +forming a sort of beverage which reminded you, +in the morning, that you had swallowed it the +night before, by a sensation very much like +that which would have been occasioned by +the dislocation of every limb belonging to +your body.</p> + +<p>Colonel Stiffkey was the most perfect “gentleman”—not +to use the term as Brag would +use it, but in its purest and most unquestioned +shape. He was not brilliant as a wit, but he +played his part as well as his associates in +the every-day give-and-take conversation of +the best society. The immovable quietude +and imperturbable civility which he displayed +before the bride and bridegroom, were +part of his system. Nobody who did not know +his heart of hearts could find out whether he +was delighted or distressed by that, which +was passing before him. His mind, with regard +to Brag, had been for some hours made +up; and in all probability the next morning +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_318">[Pg 318]</span>would be the last on which he even would endeavour +to recollect his name: but before that +morning came, there intervened an evening,—that +evening was to be passed, somehow. Mr. +Brag preferred <i lang="fr">ecarté</i>; we have seen the preparatory +arrangements in consequence of that +preference.</p> + +<p>Stiffkey and Brag walked back from the +library to their sitting-room, whence had been +removed, besides the nuisances, which had removed +themselves, all the “provender,” upon +which they had battened. A card-table had +been placed by the colonel’s man, and a small +table by the side of it, on which stood two +well-sized glasses, out of which they were to +imbibe a certain quantity of the West-Indian +mumbo-jum, punctiliously prepared according +to the recipe of Sir Stumpy.</p> + +<p>The room had resumed its former pleasing +aspect. Jack found no difference in the manner +of his friend, who, in the kindest manner, +kept periodically praising England as the only +nation perhaps in the world which furnished +the brightest ornaments to society from trades +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_319">[Pg 319]</span>and professions—throwing in an agreeable observation +now and then, that if such were the +facility in other countries, the intellects of the +people would prevent their availing themselves +of it; and, in short, that what the French sage +had said of our population in comparing it with +our porter, that the top was all froth, the +bottom all dregs, and the middle the “stout +and efficient,” was most true. This encouragement, +wonderfully aided by the arrival of Stiffkey’s +servant with a closely covered jug of the +invaluable compound, raised Jack’s spirits so +high, that for the moment he threw overboard +all the previous occurrences of the evening, +and felt satisfied in his own mind that the fact +of his mother’s having married injudiciously, +could and would have no possible effect upon +his future fashionable career.</p> + +<p>“Now then,” said the Colonel, “taste <em>that</em>: +if you don’t like it, I’m mistaken.”</p> + +<p>Jack filled a glass and sipped. “Like it!—Gad! +who wouldn’t—eh?—goes down like +milk, and no mistake.”</p> + +<p>The resumption of his pet phrases, the renewed +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_320">[Pg 320]</span>twiggle of his hair, and the revived pull +up of his collars, proclaimed “<i lang="la">Johannes redivivus</i>.”</p> + +<p>“Well,” said the Colonel, with a tone of perfect +indifference, “shall we have a touch at +<i lang="fr">ecarté</i>? The broiled bones will come at twelve.”</p> + +<p>“All right, and no mistake,” said Jack.</p> + +<p>“What shall we play?” said the Colonel, +listlessly shuffling one of the two packs of cards +which his servant had put down—“don’t let +it be high—five pound points, and ten pound +consequences?”</p> + +<p>“Anything you like,” said Jack. “I lost +twenty pounds to that man at billiards. How +he pulled up in his play after the bet!”</p> + +<p>“Did he?” said the Colonel—“I didn’t observe. +Do try some more of that excellent stuff. +We will go to-morrow, if you stay here, to an +old friend of mine who lives about five miles +from this, and I’ll show you how <em>he</em> drinks it: +he’ll be delighted to see you.”</p> + +<p>This put Jack upon the top of a pinnacle. +Colonel Stiffkey, after all he had seen and +heard, proposed the very next day to take him +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_321">[Pg 321]</span>to visit an old friend at his place five miles off! +Poor Jack! Colonel Stiffkey had no such +friend; neither if he had, would he have taken +Jack with him: furthermore, he knew, <em>that</em> +which Jack at the moment had himself quite +forgotten, that he could not stay out the following +day where his mother was: but Stiffkey +wanted Jack to play <i lang="fr">ecarté</i> at his ease—and so +he did, knowing no more of the game than a +child of ten years old.</p> + +<p>The results of the sitting were—broiled +bones at half past twelve, more of Sir Stumpy +Dubs’s mixture at half past one, and a retreat +at half past two o’clock in the morning, at +which time Mr. John Brag handed over to +Colonel Stiffkey two hundred and fifty pounds +of the cash he had received from Lord Tom +Towzle two days before; and an I. O. U. for +three hundred and forty more, which the gallant +colonel, in consideration of the ready money +already received, very readily accepted in part +payment of a balance of five hundred and +ninety pounds, which, under the influence of +Sir Stumpy Dubs’s mixture, the curly-headed +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_322">[Pg 322]</span>adept at <i lang="fr">ecarté</i> had lost to his aristocratic +associate.</p> + +<p>The friends separated and retired to rest, +the colonel’s servant kindly assisting Mr. Brag +to his room,—the colonel, who required no +assistance, going to his room by himself.</p> + +<p>It was not, however, until both these worthies—either +of them curiously instructive in +his way,—had betaken themselves to their respective +beds—that the innate truth of their +characters was made manifest. Jack, broken +down by the most extraordinary combination of +circumstances,—abused, degraded, and exposed +by the man whom his mother had by way of +an agreeable surprise, brought down to see +and present to him, in the hope of conciliating +everything, lay desponding, as deeply as he +could in his peculiar state, as to the mischief his +unhappy parent might have done him by her appearance +there; consoling himself, on the other +hand, in his blessed ignorance of human nature, +with the belief that the colonel was so +entirely his friend, that not only what had +occurred had made no change in his sentiments, +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_323">[Pg 323]</span>but that not a syllable of the events of +the preceding evening would transpire; and +absolutely revelling in the idea that the loss of +his five hundred and ninety pounds would +not only ensure this much-desired secrecy, but +cement a long and lasting friendship between +them.</p> + +<p>The colonel, who, like a skilful practitioner, +had carefully abstained from swallowing the +draughts which he had prescribed, laid his cool +unthrobbing head upon his pillow, perfectly +satisfied with having so well executed his +ingenuity in the up-turning of kings, and +other curious arrangements of the cards; consoling +himself with the justice of outwitting +so complete a charlatan as his temporary +companion of the tallow tribe; and concluding +if he never received one farthing’s worth +of value for the I. O. U., the worth of which +he considered somewhat equivocal, that he had +adequately paid himself for the smell of onions +and hot rum and water, and the still more oppressive +conversation of his friend’s intimate +connexions immediately after dinner, by the +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_324">[Pg 324]</span>first receipt of the two hundred and fifty +pounds cash in Bank notes.</p> + +<p>Such were the thoughts and reflections of +Mr. John Brag and his aristocratic friend as +they dropped off to their slumber on this memorable +night. What visions might have occupied +the minds of Mrs. Salmon and her dear +J. S. it is not our province even to surmise: +they are asleep, and lest the reader should fall +into a similar state of quiescence, the chapter +ends.</p> + + +<p class="center spaced space-above small">END OF THE SECOND VOLUME.</p> + + +<p class="center spaced space-above small"> + LONDON:<br> + PRINTED BY SAMUEL BENTLEY,<br> + Dorset Street, Fleet Street. +</p> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> +<div class="transnote"> + <h2 class="nobreak" id="Transcribers_Notes"> + Transcriber’s Notes + </h2> +</div> + +<ol> + <li>Page 33, line 4: miuutes —> minutes (<a href="#TN1">two or three minutes</a>).</li> + <li>Page 291, last line: repectable —> respectable (<a href="#TN2">said the respectable +matron</a>). </li> + <li>In text file: Italic text represented with surrounding underscores.</li> + <li>In text file: Small caps represented with ALLCAPS.</li> +</ol> +<div style='text-align:center'>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 78709 ***</div> +</body> +</html> diff --git a/78709-h/images/cover.jpg b/78709-h/images/cover.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..a03df09 --- /dev/null +++ b/78709-h/images/cover.jpg |
