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| author | www-data <www-data@mail.pglaf.org> | 2026-05-19 13:17:17 -0700 |
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| committer | www-data <www-data@mail.pglaf.org> | 2026-05-19 13:17:17 -0700 |
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| -rw-r--r-- | 78709-0.txt | 6519 | ||||
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| -rw-r--r-- | LICENSE.txt | 11 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | README.md | 2 |
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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/78709-0.txt b/78709-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..e0005af --- /dev/null +++ b/78709-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,6519 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 78709 *** + + + + + JACK BRAG. + + VOL. II. + + + + + LONDON: + PRINTED BY SAMUEL BENTLEY, + Dorset Street, Fleet Street. + + + + + JACK BRAG. + + + BY THE AUTHOR OF + “SAYINGS AND DOINGS,”--“MAXWELL,” &c. + + + IN THREE VOLUMES. + + VOL. II. + + + LONDON: + RICHARD BENTLEY, + NEW BURLINGTON STREET. + 1837. + + + + + JACK BRAG. + + + + + CHAPTER I. + + +Having given the reader a brief and succinct account of the prosperous +progress of Mr. Brown, and deposited him in safety with his mother +and sister, it now becomes necessary to give a glance at our hero +Jack, and the measures he adopted under the peculiar and embarrassing +circumstance of being accepted by two very charming women in the course +of one afternoon. + +For a few moments after the arrival of the second note--that from +Blanche--the little man was greatly puzzled how to act. That the +answers to his declarations were jokes he had not the slightest +suspicion, and therefore his difficulty arose from the necessity of at +once making up his mind. Unlike Gay’s hero, he felt that he _must_ say +“a word” to both his captives: in fact, he was forced on the instant to +decide, yea or nay--widow or maid. This was really a puzzler even for +Jack, who scratched his hair half out of curl before he had got near a +conclusion. At length he determined to postpone the _éclaircissement_ +until the evening, and in the mean time to throw himself in the way of +Sir Charles Lydiard, in order, if he could, to extract from him his +opinion of the widow’s merits, and ascertain, if possible, the extent +of his anger and vengeance if Jack should make _her_ his choice. + +For this purpose Jack began what he called his tour of the Clubs--but, +in truth, that of their doors--for Jack had not as yet achieved the +_right_ of crossing the threshold of any one of them. Nevertheless, he +was not an unfrequent occupant of their halls, into which, by asking +after some man whom he knew to be out of town, or who did not belong +to that particular society, he made his way; and having performed that +evolution once or twice, without, or, as he considered, with, perfect +success, he at length encountered Sir Charles, and immediately joined +him in his walk towards Grosvenor Street. + +In one of those amusing and instructive works upon natural history, in +which we find recorded the traits of character peculiar to different +animals, there is an account of a goose which had formed so strong an +attachment to a Newfoundland dog belonging to the same master, that +she never was easy out of his society. Neptune was conscious of this +kindly feeling, and reciprocated it to a certain extent; and whenever +they were together in the yard, _he_ feeding, and goosey looking +affectionately on, or _vice versâ_, it was all very well; but when +Neptune took the air in the street of the village or by the road-side, +or went to refresh himself in a neighbouring pond, goosey _would_ +accompany him. Then it was too, that, after enduring the waddle and +quack of his admiring companion for a certain period of time, Neptune +invariably, as soon as he saw any dogs of condition or puppies of +quality coming, put himself into a long trot, and dart round a corner +or over a gate, in order to exhibit his dislike of the connexion. Sir +Charles Lydiard felt very much like dog Neptune, when goosey Brag +joined him: however, as it was impossible, without rudeness perfectly +inconsistent with Sir Charles’s character and disposition, to shake him +off, he endured the commencement of a conversation, which in the end +excited the best feelings of his nature, and awakened in his heart the +tenderest sympathy for a much-injured friend. + +As the reader will hereafter be referred to this important dialogue, +he shall not be troubled with a repetition of it, here: that it _was_ +important may easily be imagined from the fact, that when Sir Charles +reached the door of his hotel he invited Brag to come in, and that they +remained in conversation in his drawing-room for more than an hour. + +The impression left upon Jack’s mind by what he had heard from his +“friend” Sir Charles was, that the loss of the widow would neither +cause the breaking of the baronet’s heart nor of his own head; and he +was, as the reader may imagine, proportionably elated and elevated, and +more particularly confirmed in his original intentions respecting his +choice of that lady. + +Jack felt as if he were treading on air as he paced down Bond Street +to call on some other friend, in order to make a new confidence, no +doubt; however, the Fates decided otherwise, for, in turning the +corner of Hanover Square, whom should he stumble upon, but Rushton!--a +meeting which, as he had magnanimously determined to leave him in the +quiet possession of the elegant Blanche, rather pleased him than not. +Rushton, whose “affection” for Jack was, if possible, stronger than +that of Sir Charles Lydiard, made a desperate attempt to get away from +him, not only because upon a general principle he wished to avoid him, +but because the impression on his mind was, that ridiculous as the idea +might at first appear, _he_ actually was the creature for whom Blanche +had withdrawn her affections from him, and that if they had much +conversation, his temper would get the better of the prudence he meant +to adopt until his suspicions were confirmed, and that he might resort +to the expedient of kicking Jack somewhat prematurely. The rencontre +was, however, inevitable. + +“On your way to the ladies, I presume,” said Rushton. + +“No,” said Jack, “not till the evening; I suppose we shall meet.” + +“Perhaps not,” said Rushton, to whom Jack’s air and manner appeared +peculiarly pert and vulgar,--and he passed on. Jack turned and kept up +with him. + +“Strange creatures, the females!” said Jack, perking up his head and +smirking. + +“They _are_, indeed!” said Rushton, as the thought of Blanche’s +affection for the burr which was sticking to him, flashed across his +mind. + +“’Gad, Rushton,” said Jack--(Rushton shuddered at the +familiarity)--“wonders will never cease!--_you_ are a happy man, with +such a creature as Blanche Englefield your own.” + +“That’s a sore subject,” said Rushton, “and we had better not touch it. +I know you are an admirable joker,--but jokes, especially practical +ones, not unfrequently turn out ill.” + +“I know what you are up to,” said Jack:--“down upon you in half no +time, smack, smooth, and no mistake.” + +“I dare say you may comprehend my meaning,” said Rushton; “but I +repeat, that if you do, my present feelings are not to be trifled with; +and if you do not, this is neither the time nor place to enlighten you.” + +“Don’t put yourself in a passion,” said Jack; “you never were more +mistaken in your life.” + +“Upon what point?” said Rushton. + +“About Blanche,” replied Brag. + +“Really, sir,” said Rushton, “you are treading upon very delicate +ground. You have entrapped me into a conversation which it was my +particular wish and desire to avoid in the present state of affairs; +but you have now led me to a point at which I cannot stop. You have +alluded to a young lady in the most familiar manner, who, in my +opinion, has been exceedingly civil to you, and I really do consider, +under the circumstances in which I am placed, I ought to know exactly +the character of your intimacy with her.” + +“I shouldn’t wonder!” said Jack: “it only shows how the longest +heads may be puzzled. You’ll find out all how and about it, before +to-morrow--eh!--are you awake?” + +“Awake!--I am,” said Rushton, “yet I seem to be dreaming. Do you +then admit that your acquaintance with Miss Englefield, whom you so +unceremoniously call Blanche, is so near its favourable termination?” + +“My dear Mr. Rushton,” said Brag, “you are safe--at least, as far as I +am concerned: there are more horses in the stable than one--eh!--are +you awake now? No? I’ll put you out of your pain then--I hate to be +cruel;--never am, even to dumb animals, except when I want ’em to stir +their stumps a bit. No, no: if anybody in the house has cause for +jealousy, it isn’t _you_. Will that do for you--eh?” + +“What!” said Rushton, “am I to understand that Mrs. Dallington----” + +“Mum!” said Brag, bursting to proclaim his wonderful success--“dumb as +a Dutchman:--the widow’s the winner, fifty to one.” + +“You are joking!” said Rushton. + +“Not I,” said Jack:--“thing settled, snug--smack smooth, and no +mistake. I know you don’t half like Sir Charles. I’ll settle _his_ +affair: I speak, of course, in confidence--but so it is:--the thing is +what the French call a _finny affair_.” + +“Surely, this never _can_ be!” said Rushton. “What! after all the +declarations I have heard her make--all her regrets that his coldness +of manner so much damped her natural affection for him: after----” + +“Lord bless your heart!” said Brag, “there’s no accounting for +females--weathercocks--eh!” + +“I cannot comprehend it,” said Rushton: “even had--” + +“Do you believe it?” said Brag. + +“You say it, Mr. Brag,” said Rushton;--“it must be so.” + +“I’ll do more,” said Jack: “we are both in the same boat, and shall be +near connexions.” + +“Yes,” said Rushton, in a tone not expressive of the feelings which the +anticipation really excited, “so we shall;--well?” + +“Well then,” said Jack, “you must keep the secret:--when a female is +concerned, a man ought to be as still as a dead horse. I’ll show you +her own note,--in course, not a word to anybody.” + +Saying which, he took out his pocket-book, and selected with more +than ordinary care the widow’s favourable billet. Rushton would have +seized it, such was his anxiety to convince himself of the truth of his +companion’s statement, but Jack would not part with it. Rushton saw it +was her writing, and read enough to satisfy himself not only that it +was a genuine document, but actually the identical letter which he had +seen her despatch in the presence of Sir Charles Lydiard and himself--a +fact which, however much it might relieve him from all apprehension of +Brag’s further interference with his proceedings, was in an instant +coupled in his mind with the circumstance of Blanche having upon the +same occasion also sent off a hateful three-cornered note to somebody +else. How subtle are the workings of a jealous mind!--one evil +overcome, up starts another: one doubt is removed only to make room for +its instant successor. + +“You see what she says,” said Brag. “What d’ye think of Sir Charles +now--eh?--_he_ hasn’t been awake! That, I think, is a finisher for +_him_. I shouldn’t have shown you this, but I know--I am sure, you +thought I was beating about after Blanche--and fancied that _she_--eh?” + +“I fancy nothing now,” said Rushton--“Blanche is all faith and +truth!”--(“Umph!” said Brag, dying, but not daring, to show _her_ up +too.)--“But Mrs. Dallington,” continued he--“well! I have often told +Lydiard that he was taking it too easy, and too calmly, and all the +return I got was his reproach for being too hasty and too _exigeant_ in +my demands upon the reason and consistency of women in general. I knew +what would happen.” + +“Was that since I became acquainted with her?” said Brag. + +“Long before,” said Rushton: “and as for Blanche,” continued he, still +‘harping’ upon the letter, “mild and amiable as she is, I dare say even +_she_ deceives me sometimes.” + +“I shouldn’t wonder,” said Jack, looking excessively cunning. + +“You are a comforter to a doubting man,” said Rushton. + +“Well, good-bye!” said Jack. “In course, you’ll take no notice of what +I have said. I think we had better have the double marriage the same +day--eh! Mrs. Dallington Brag will sound well. I think I shall startle +Lord Tom:--so, mum! as I say:--keep my counsel, and it will all come +off smack smooth, right up, straight down, and no mistake!” + +Saying which, Brag quitted his wondering companion at the top of Harley +Street, to which this dialogue had extended their walk; and darted +across the New road to a livery stable, where two or three of his +horses, which did _not_ belong to him, were standing at livery. + +Rushton’s feelings were considerably excited by the disclosure which +his companion had made. His indignation was roused by the assurance +and vanity of the coxcomb, ready to sacrifice the character of a woman +who had owned her affection for him, to the gratification of boasting +of her good opinion; while his sympathy was seriously awakened for Sir +Charles Lydiard. That he had been, as he had long suspected, made the +dupe of a heartless woman, was now a fact incontrovertibly established; +and Rushton considered it his duty to Sir Charles, for whom, however +uncongenial their characters and opposed their dispositions might be, +he could not fail to entertain a high respect and esteem, to make him +acquainted with what he had heard from Brag,--or rather, which was most +convincing, that which he had seen in his possession, in order that he +might spare himself the needless mortification of receiving a formal +dismissal from the widow, as well as to rescue him from a further +continuance of a system of hypocrisy and deception, for which, although +it was impossible not to admit it, it was most difficult reasonably to +account. + +Naturally enough, these considerations upon Sir Charles Lydiard’s +affair led to some reflections upon his own. Blanche, the gentle and +the mild, was the sister of the woman who had conducted herself with +such heartless levity and indelicate duplicity--not only her sister, +but her constant associate--her confidante, no doubt. The last pert +toss of Brag’s empty head had its weight in these calculations: it was +most unquestionably to be inferred that there was no great difference +between the conduct or character of the two sisters. But what was a +hint or innuendo from such a person? Nothing!--unless backed up and +corroborated by testimony so convincing as that which he had afforded +of the widow’s levity and fickleness. + +Rushton’s thoughts, however, still rested on Sir Charles Lydiard. A +little more reflection upon the matter strengthened him in his first +intention, of imparting all he knew to the worthy baronet--an intention +which he more particularly determined to put in practice, inasmuch as +a communication between them might elicit something beneficial to both. + +Accordingly Rushton proceeded to the hotel at which Sir Charles was +living, and found him at home and alone. When he entered the room where +he was sitting, he was sensibly struck by an unusual embarrassment in +his manner, and a kind of affectionate air in his reception of him. +Rushton felt assured that he knew the worst. They sat down; but the +difficulty which Rushton naturally experienced in opening the subject +uppermost in his mind, was increased by the evident agitation of the +baronet. A few commonplace observations, and questions about riding, or +walking, or dining, were soon exhausted. At length Rushton asked his +friend if he should be at Mrs. Dallington’s during the day or evening. + +“I think I shall go there in the evening,” said Sir Charles, and his +voice faltered:--a pause ensued. + +“Have you heard from either of the ladies this morning?” asked Rushton. + +“No,” replied Lydiard, looking earnestly at his friend--“have _you_?” + +“Not I,” said Rushton--and then came another pause. “What extraordinary +creatures women are!” + +“They are indeed, Rushton,” said Sir Charles. “Pray, have you happened +to meet that most odious of persons, Mr. Brag, in the course of your +walk or ride to-day?” + +“I have,” said Rushton, in a tone much more serious than the subject +seemed to require, at the same time fixing his eyes steadily upon the +unhappy victim before him. + +“He is extremely popular with the women,” said Sir Charles, “which +strikes me as one of the strongest proofs of the impossibility of +comprehending the nature of their minds and tastes.” + +“It does seem curious,” said Rushton, “that anything so vain and so +vulgar should have the power to induce women of sense, education, rank, +and character, to forfeit all claims to respect and esteem by favouring +his pretensions.” + +“Pray, Rushton, did the fellow make any communication to you?” asked +Sir Charles. + +“Upon what subject?” said Rushton. + +“A very tender and important one,” replied the baronet: “indeed, if you +had not called, I should have endeavoured to find you before dinner, to +have spoken to you upon it.” + +“Why, he certainly did say something,” said Rushton,--“and that +something was very important.” + +“Did he show you a letter?” said Sir Charles. + +“He did,” replied Rushton. + +“Well, then, we can speak without further disguise,” said Sir +Charles;--“were you not thunder-stricken?” + +“It merely confirmed me in my often repeated opinion,--that we know +nothing of women,” said Rushton. + +“You have often told me you thought there was something of the sort +going on between them,” said Sir Charles; “but I take matters so much +more coolly than you do, that, I confess, it appeared to me little else +than the common _badinage_ in which a pretty woman dearly loves to +engage.” + +“Ah! Sir Charles,” said Rushton, “it is that very coolness of which you +boast that has done all the mischief.” + +“I don’t exactly see that,” said Sir Charles. “You will find that I +shall bring my young widow into perfect subjection, more especially +after this adventure of the chattering Brag.” + +“After!” said Rushton--“why, my dear Sir Charles, what on earth do you +mean? That after the exposure of falsehood and flightiness, delusion +and deception, which this fellow has had the good fortune to excite, +and has now the vanity to exhibit in the public streets, you would +marry Mrs. Dallington, if you could?” + +“My dear friend, why not?” said the baronet. “I may, and do, feel +deeply for all the results which you enumerate, and agree with you +in your surprise that such results should have occurred: it seems +perfectly miraculous!--but, however much I may sympathize with you, +there can be no reason why I should give up Mrs. Dallington.” + +“Did you read the letter Brag received?” said Rushton. + +“I did,” replied Sir Charles, “twice over--and, I assure you, was +exceedingly shocked and amazed.” + +“My dear Sir Charles,” exclaimed Rushton, “are you made of +ice?--‘exceedingly shocked!’ is _that_ a phrase consistent with the +discovery of such a proof of infidelity as _this_?” + +“What can I say more, Rushton!” said Sir Charles. “You must feel +the blow most severely, especially with your vivid imagination and +excessive sensibility; but for _me_, I have only to thank my stars that +my fair widow is still my own.” + +“Your own!” cried Rushton:--“what! after she has accepted Brag!” + +“_She_ accept Brag!” said the baronet, opening his eyes rather wider +than usual--“no, no--that would be rather too much of a joke!” + +“Why, she _has_ accepted him!” said Rushton, dashing his hand on the +table. + +“In your circumstances, Frank,” said Sir Charles, “one would +not venture to suspect a joke:--but, whatever may have been the +indiscretions of the meek and modest Miss Englefield, Mrs. Dallington +has, I flatter myself, too much good sense to be betrayed into any such +absurdity.” + +“Why, you told me you had seen the letter,” said Rushton. + +“So I have,” replied Sir Charles, “but most assuredly no letter of +her’s.” + +“Whose then?” exclaimed Frank. + +“Why,” said Sir Charles, “Blanche’s letter.” + +“Letter to whom?” cried Rushton, starting from his chair. + +“To her accepted lover, Brag,” replied the baronet. + +“_Her_ lover!” cried, or rather screamed, the infuriate Rushton. “My +dear friend, what do you mean?--what does it all mean?” + +“I mean merely,” replied Sir Charles, “that Mr. Brag was good enough +to show me the letter in question, which was written to him by Miss +Blanche Englefield, accepting the offer of his hand,--and that I read +it twice over.” + +“Why, then, the world’s at an end, Lydiard!” cried Rushton. “Blanche +false!--Blanche!--Oh! why was I deceived?--why was I duped?” + +“I really don’t know,” said Sir Charles, in a tone which, by the +contrast it afforded to the convulsive exclamations of his agitated +friend, seemed to imply that he did not very much care. + +“But how do _you_ bear it, Sir Charles?” said Rushton. “These women +are worse than women usually are. He showed me a letter from the +widow,--your widow! Sir Charles,--couched in exactly the same terms.” + +“What!--accepting him?” said Sir Charles. + +“Upon my honour and life! yes,” said Rushton. “What on earth does it +mean? That dear, calm, mild--I shall go mad--raving mad!--Wretch that I +am!” + +“Stop, Rushton,” said Sir Charles; “follow my advice; sit down, and +take rest and comfort.” + +“Comfort!” + +“Yes, comfort,” said the baronet. “I see through all this in a moment. +While there was but one letter, and one traitress, it was all possible, +though not probable; the two settle the affair:--it’s a trick.” + +“A trick! my dear Sir Charles,” said Rushton--“no, no! To think that +that fair creature should so far forget herself--no, no:--I am sure she +never could have written--” + +“My dear friend, I saw and read the letter,” said Sir Charles, “and I +repeat it is all a trick. How could two women, living on the terms upon +which Blanche and her sister live, accept the same man in one day? No +doubt, this wretched little creature has been persecuting them with his +attentions, and they have undertaken this scheme as the precursor of +his unceremonious rejection.” + +“But why write?” said Rushton--“why--” + +“For the better carrying on of the plot,” continued the +baronet:--“_you_ trust their letters--_I_, their hearts. That very +empty coxcombs may, and do, succeed sometimes, is too notorious to be +denied; but here the case is totally different, in my opinion. The fat +knight, in the hands of the Windsor wives, was in a more enviable +position than our little steeple-hunter is at this moment in those of +one maid and widow.” + +“Do you really think so?” said Rushton, his rage moderating a little. + +“Think!” replied Sir Charles--“consult your own common sense; a +moment’s reflection proves it.” + +“Upon my life! I begin to think so too,” said Rushton. “But there is +one thing which seems to me absolutely necessary, not only to assure +us of their good intentions, but to vindicate our own characters and +worry them in their turn,--I mean, that whether these notes are or +are not intended to entrap and expose Mr. Brag, _we_ should consider +them serious, and act upon the information we have received from their +adorable imp.” + +“I shall go to Mrs. Dallington’s,” said Sir Charles, “this evening, as +usual, see how things look, and proceed accordingly.” + +“Yes, but don’t let us believe everything we hear too readily,” said +Frank. + +“What! still jealous--still doubting?” said the baronet. + +“No, not that,”--said Rushton, “I will be there too; and while you +touch upon the subject, I will watch their eyes.” + +“The telegraphs again,” said Sir Charles. + +“Yes, there one may read the language of the heart,” said Rushton. + +“Leave the management of the affair to me,” said Sir Charles: “I can +conduct myself more calmly and moderately than some people. Rely upon +it, my widow shall not get out of this little manœuvre without some +trouble.” + +“You will not distress her?” said Rushton. + +“A woman in tears looks remarkably interesting,” said the baronet. + +“I love to see her dear countenance drest in smiles,” said Rushton, +“and I do hope you--” + +“We will go this evening together,” said the baronet. “See how I +conduct myself towards Mrs. Dallington, and if you do not choose to +follow my example, at least profit by experience.” + +“I confess,” said Rushton, “I am by no means satisfied; yet all you +say--” + +“Is all that is to be said on the subject,” said Sir Charles. “So now +I am at your service for a walk or ride till dressing-time, and, if +you have nothing better to do afterwards, for a _tête-à-tête_ cutlet +at Crocky’s; we can there talk over our future proceedings for the +evening, and suggest some method of utterly exterminating John Brag, +Esq.” + +“Kicking him first, and shooting him afterwards,” said Rushton, “is +what I should respectfully recommend.” + +“Oh! dear no,” said Sir Charles, “most assuredly neither the one +nor the other; he shall live to amuse us upon some other occasion: +without a few tigers and lions, society would be ‘flat, stale, and +unprofitable.’ So, come away, and, I flatter myself, you will see +me this evening at Mrs. Dallington’s in something very like a new +character.” + +It was under this engagement the friends proceeded on their stroll, +Rushton feeling infinitely less at ease than the baronet, who viewed +the affair in its true light, and was fully resolved upon having his +_revanche_ after his own plan. + +What the state of Brag’s feelings might have been during the few hours +which preceded the deciding visit to the same scene, it is scarcely +possible to imagine. Mr. Ducrow can ride two, or even three, horses at +once; and some other equally astounding artist is able to dance upon +two tight ropes at the same time; but to manage two ladies under the +circumstances in which Brag had placed himself, seems to be a task +Herculean by comparison with either of the others. A man less conceited +and self-assured would either have seen through the trick which they +had so justly played upon him, or if he could have imagined the result +possible, would have excused himself from accepting the invitation +of either lady, when both were for the same night; but Jack took it +for granted that he had, as he called it, “knocked them both over,” +and that, as the “females” were “cunning creturs,” each one would so +contrive to play her own game, as not to awaken the suspicions of the +other. + +As the time approached, Johnny made the most careful preparations +for dressing. Never was anything so smart and spruce as the dapper +cockney in what he called his “genteel comedy” dress; and by nine +o’clock he was all ready for the conflict. Circumstances, however, as +we shall see, conspired to delay his appearance at the widow’s, and +Sir Charles and Rushton arrived before him. It was judged, however, +better, for the furtherance of their scheme, that Rushton should not +make his appearance in the drawing-room at the same time with his +friend; he therefore made an excuse to the servant, that he wished to +write a letter before he went up stairs, and bade him put lights in +the library in order that he might do so. Sir Charles proceeded to the +drawing-room at once, and found the ladies alone, evidently waiting the +arrival of Brag, whose exhibition was not intended by them to have been +witnessed by anybody but themselves. Their surprise at the appearance +of Sir Charles was, however, speedily changed into a feeling of a +very different nature, by finding him colder, more gloomy, and more +reserved than even _he_ was usually. + +(“Rely upon it,” said Mrs. Dallington to her sister, “Mr. Brag has been +blabbing.”)--“My dear Sir Charles, you seem vastly out of spirits.” + +“There are circumstances in the world which affect us to such a degree, +madam,” said Lydiard, “as to render a concealment of the feelings they +excite impossible.” + +“To what do you allude, Sir Charles?” said Mrs. Dallington, really +concerned at perceiving what she could not doubt to be the successful +result of her manœuvre. + +“I mean, madam,” said Lydiard, “that a woman who permits the +unequivocal attentions of a lover--encourages those attentions--nay, +goes the length of admitting her affection for him, and then betrays +him and accepts a rival, strikes a blow to his heart, the anguish of +which cannot be disguised.” + +“Rely upon it,” said Mrs. Dallington, “_you_ have no cause for the +grief you describe.” + +“I! madam,” said the baronet,--“I am not speaking of myself: no, +no--_my_ sorrow and anxiety are excited by a sympathy for my poor +friend, Rushton. Oh! Miss Englefield, what must your feelings be when +you know the state of mind to which he is reduced? He has discovered +all. He is aware of the transfer of your affections, and is, as I +verily believe--mad!” + +“Mad!” said Blanche. + +“Yes,” said Sir Charles; “his feelings, as you well know, are +strong--his passions violent. His conduct this afternoon I consider +very little short of insanity.” + +“Under similar circumstances, Sir Charles,” said Mrs. Dallington, +“_you_ perhaps would not be so violently affected.” + +“Certainly not, madam,” replied Sir Charles; “but I can feel deeply for +a friend who is. To _my_ advice only will he be indebted for a speedy +restoration, as I hope, from his alarming state. I have found the +means, and I rejoice to know that he has adopted them.” + +“What may they be, Sir Charles?” said Blanche, her eyes filling with +tears. + +“Very simple, and, in my opinion, not particularly disagreeable,” +said Sir Charles. “There is a certain Miss Harrington, a most amiable, +beautiful girl, who is avowedly in love with him,--Julia Harrington, I +think, she is called.” + +“Y-e-s,” stammered Blanche, “I--know--I have seen her--” + +“Well,” said the baronet, “after what he had communicated to me of +your conduct, it appeared to me, that as you had thought proper to +reject him in a way so decided as by accepting another gentleman, +which--forgive me, if I am wrong--he told me you had done, it was the +most judicious thing in the world for him to transfer his affections +to the young lady of whose compassion he was perfectly secure, and for +whom, I happen to know, he entertains a very high regard, to call it by +no other or tenderer name.” + +“And,” said Blanche, “did he take your advice, and fly to her at your +suggestion?” + +“Not exactly,” said Sir Charles; “I had to drive him to her father’s +house in my cab; and although he certainly resisted at first, I +eventually succeeded in settling him into an invitation to a family +dinner with them, where, I conclude, he is now sipping his claret, and +making himself acceptable to the fair daughter of the house.” + +“What on earth shall I do!” said Blanche to herself:--but her +ejaculation was not so completely “mental” as to escape the attentive +ears of the worthy baronet, who felt his own character change, and his +disposition alter, as he witnessed the gradual success of his stratagem. + +“I think, Sir Charles,” said Mrs. Dallington, who was now convinced +that _her_ proceedings with Brag were yet unknown to him, “that you +might have spent the last few hours of your life more profitably than +in separating two fond hearts.” + +“Fond hearts!” said Sir Charles--“the acceptance of a rival is no +particularly strong proof of fondness. No--let him marry where he is +loved; and as for myself, Mrs. Dallington, I shall content myself with +waiting a little longer for the happiness which, I trust, my friend +will shortly enjoy. I hope, madam, some day to find, like Rushton, +a woman who will condescend to love me truly and faithfully. My +pretensions, I own, are inconsiderable; but I have at least the merit +of sincerity and honesty. I admit that these are not such striking +qualifications as those of Mr. Brag, a preference for whom I am aware +you have exhibited, and upon which I have the honour to congratulate +both you and myself. I wish you a very good evening, ladies.” + +Saying which, Sir Charles walked out of the room, leaving Mrs. +Dallington and Miss Englefield in a state of stupor and amazement. That +Brag should be laughed at by them, and made the subject of a scene +which should in the end prove to their lovers the utter contempt they +had for the pretender of whom those lovers were both jealous, was, as +the reader knows, the main object of their scheme; but the mean opinion +even _they_ entertained of the man--if man he may be called--did not +induce them to suspect the possibility of his exhibiting their two +letters to his rivals. + +Their own agitation, and the manner Sir Charles assumed during the +conversation, gave them no opportunity of explaining away the affair, +and they sat looking at each other for two or three minutes without +speaking, convinced that the anger of Sir Charles was genuine, and the +story he had told true; for although it was part of their object, or at +least of Mrs. Dallington’s, to agitate the feelings of their devoted +swains, it was most assuredly not their intention either to drive Sir +Charles into old bachelorism, or hurry Rushton into a marriage with +Miss Harrington. + +“Well,” said Mrs. Dallington, “this has somehow taken a wrong turn. +I admit that Sir Charles’s agitation pleases me; it is what I hoped +for;--although certainly I did not think that Mr. Brag was quite so +great a monster:--but for _you_, Blanche--” + +“I am lost,” said Blanche, “for ever! Oh, sister, sister!--why did I +lend myself to this scheme? If Rushton marries that Miss Harrington, +what on earth will become of me!” + +“There it is, Blanche,” said Mrs. Dallington; “while you had him all +to yourself, you never were at rest,--always quarreling, always +reproaching, always accusing and defending.” + +“True,” said Miss Englefield, “but what are such quarrels? I know his +heart--I know his good qualities--I can see his imperfections;--but +that I love him sincerely is now my greatest misfortune.” + +Little did Miss Blanche Englefield think that this most unequivocal +declaration of the state of her heart and feelings was clearly and +distinctly heard by Mr. Francis Rushton himself, who having, instead +of dining at General Harrington’s, as Sir Charles had stated, entered +the boudoir, in which there was no light, from the staircase, at the +moment that his friend was giving his account of the proceedings of +the morning, and not venturing to interrupt the thread of a narrative +which was to form so important a feature of _their_ scheme, had dropped +himself quietly into a well-stuffed chair in a corner of the room, +where he lay _perdu_, not daring then to make his appearance, which +would, of course, overthrow the authenticity of Sir Charles’s story; +and afterwards being ashamed of admitting, by presenting himself to +the ladies, when the worthy baronet was gone, that he had, under such +circumstances, overheard the declaration which had given him such +unqualified delight. + +“Well,” said Mrs. Dallington, “of one thing it assures us, at all +events, that however the warmth of the one and the coldness of the +other may at times have excited our suspicions of fidelity in one +instance, or affection in the other, it is now clearly established that +they are both sincerely attached to us.” + +“And what consolation is that to _me_?” said Blanche--“or how can I +ever atone to myself for having, at your suggestion, answered the +impertinent note of that odious, foolish creature, Brag? What must +Frank think of me?--to prefer such an animal to _him_!” + +“Well, but surely, Blanche,” said Mrs. Dallington, “Rushton’s devotion +to _you_ cannot have been so entirely exclusive. I have heard him +vowing that he would die if you rejected him; instead of which, he +immediately sets about making another match the moment he thinks you +have cast him off. If he had chosen to kill himself, you could not +help it, you know.” + +“Oh! sister, sister,” said Blanche, “do not for the world talk of such +a thing:--Rushton kill himself for _me_!” + +“Yes: it was his course of proceeding,” said Mrs. Dallington, “to +agitate, excite, and alarm you into loving him. Sir Charles’s line with +me has been totally different. It is our duty to ourselves to conceal +our feelings now, however strong they may be; our honour demands the +sacrifice.” + +“Honour! my dear sister,” said Blanche,--“honour consists in deceiving +no one. As for Rushton, you would at this moment be delighted to find +Sir Charles as jealous of _you_ as you have often seen _him_ jealous +of _me_. Miss Harrington has long been attached to him, and now by +this silly scheme, as I must call it, I have driven him to return that +affection. If he could know the anguish I feel at this moment, he would +best know how to appreciate my regard and esteem.” + +The tears that followed these words were more than Rushton could +bear. His apparent meanness in listening--the certain overthrow of +Sir Charles’s scheme--every consideration but one was forgotten; and +starting from his corner, he rushed into the drawing-room, and in an +instant was on his knees before his beloved Blanche. + +“I am here!” said Rushton,--“is this enough?” + +“Mercy on me!--Mr. Rushton!” cried Blanche. + +“What!” said Frank, “did you--could you for a moment believe that I +should act as Lydiard has told you I had done? No, no, Blanche! I am at +your feet--your slave eternal: my heart--my hand--my fate, are all at +your disposal.” + +“So,” said Mrs. Dallington, “Sir Charles Lydiard is the wise manager of +this scheme.” + +“Yes,” said Rushton, “he saw through the trick you were playing, which +I was mad enough to believe a matter-of-fact.” + +“And how might _you_ have become acquainted with the story?” asked Mrs. +Dallington. + +“Your double victim,” said Rushton, “was so elated by his success, +that, in order to relieve Lydiard’s weak mind, he showed _him_ +Blanche’s tender billet; and in order to prove what a dupe Lydiard was, +he exhibited yours to _me_.” + +“Was there ever such a detestable wretch upon earth!” said Mrs. +Dallington. + +“You know he is coming here this evening,” said Rushton. + +“He shall not be let in,” said Mrs. Dallington. + +“Oh! yes, by all means let him in,” said Rushton. “All care is now +banished from our hearts; let us celebrate the happy termination of all +our uncertainties by a sacrifice.” + +“As you like,” said the fair widow. “And where is Sir Charles?--is he +gone?” + +“Not he,” said Rushton: “he is in the library, I take it. His scheme +is not yet half complete, but he may now spare himself the trouble of +working it out.” + +“I may indeed,” said the worthy baronet, entering the drawing-room +through the boudoir, where he hoped to have found Rushton still +ensconced, and the mystification still in progress. + +“They know all,” said Rushton. + +“As I did before,” said Sir Charles. “I was perfectly aware of the +character of their proceedings towards our formidable rival, but I am +equally satisfied with yourself that we deserved such a return for our +doubts of those we so dearly prize. I admit that I have been jealous, +from an excess of esteem; Frank has been jealous from an excess of +love. It is time to terminate these little bickerings; and if my dear +Mrs. Dallington will be content with such a heart as I have to offer, +it is hers, entire and undivided.” + +“This is a very extraordinary proceeding,” said Mrs. Dallington. “I am +taken entirely by surprise; however, Sir Charles, I know of no great +advantage in concealing a generous feeling of attachment which I admit +to exist--and so--we will consider of it to-morrow.” + +“My dear sister,” said Blanche, “I began to be very angry with you at +one time.” + +“When you thought you should lose Rushton,” said Mrs. Dallington. “But +I never was much agitated, because I did not give that implicit credit +to Sir Charles’s history of Julia Harrington, which you, who were so +much more interested, and therefore so much less able to form a just +opinion upon it, did; and I was at all events satisfied, that if your +devoted had, in the course of two hours, made up his mind to a new +_affaire du cœur_, his _cœur_ was not much worth caring for.” + +“Well,” said Sir Charles, “I confess myself happier than I have been +for these two years.” + +At that moment, it being about half-past ten o’clock, the drawing-room +door was thrown open, and--“Mr. Brag!” announced. The effect produced +was infinitely greater than the hero of the night himself imagined. +The cause of his being so late was this;--he had anticipated that +the “females,” each manœuvring in her own behalf, would not only +have contrived to find opportunities for separate _têtes-à-têtes_, +but that his widow, who, of course, had the control, would so have +arranged that there should be no visiters to interrupt them. When +he first reached the house, he found Sir Charles Lydiard’s carriage +at the door. This annoyed him considerably, and he retired for more +than an hour, thinking that the “bore” of a baronet might have dined +with his intended, and that he would go early. Upon his return at +the latest possible period at which he felt he could with propriety +seek admission into so regular a family as Mrs. Dallington’s, there +he still found the eternal carriage of Sir Charles Lydiard. In order +to show the earnestness of his feelings, and his anxiety to keep his +double appointment, he resolved to pay his visit, however inconvenient +the presence of other company might be. He grasped the knocker: the +thunder resounded through the hall. The door was opened; and after the +purgatorial process of mounting the stairs,--there he stood, in the +middle of the circle,--“as large,” or perhaps we had better say as +small, “as life!” + +It is difficult to describe the various sensations created by his +appearance--the indignation of the women, or the sovereign contempt +of the men, increased tenfold by his vain, dirty, and unprincipled +exhibition of the letters. However, although there had been no time +for preconcerting any course of behaviour towards him, it seemed +simultaneously to strike the two happy couples, to treat him in that +sort of easy, commonplace manner, which might leave him without +the slightest suspicion that the whole of the affair was known or +understood, and so give him scope for a little of that admirable +management with which he used to boast he “carried on the war,” and +to which, it was evident, he must resort, to maintain his position +relatively to his two captives. + +“You are late, Mr. Brag,” said Rushton. + +“Yes,” said Brag, “I have been dining with some monsters who sit and +drink wine. Upon my life! we had to swallow four or five bottles after +dinner, before coffee was ordered:--that I call a bore, and no mistake.” + +The time to which this description referred had been expended by this +exemplary man in walking up and down and round about the neighbouring +streets, until he should see the departure of the baronet’s carriage. +Little did he imagine what had occurred in that very drawing-room +during the period of his peregrinations. + +“I ought to apologize to _you_,” said Brag, addressing himself to the +widow, with a look which the other three perfectly understood;--“but +Lord Tom had two or three young fellows to dine with him--wanted me +to do the honours and be _crowpee_; so I couldn’t say no,--for Tommy +is a right good fellow, and no mistake, although _some people_ don’t +patronize him.” + +“I _thought_ Lord Tom, as you call him,” said Sir Charles, “was at +Dover.” + +“Came to town this afternoon, and goes back to-morrow,” said Jack, not +in the slightest degree abashed or confounded. + +Sir Charles whispered something to Mrs. Dallington, which seemed very +much to impugn the truth of Jack’s statement; during which little +_entretien_, Jack drew his chair close to Blanche’s, and with a look +which nearly destroyed the serenity of the rest of the party, said, in +a low tone, “I was determined to be here this evening, let what might +happen.” + +“I appreciate your kindness and consideration,” said Miss Englefield. + +“I was thinking,” said Brag, in that sort of confidential whisper +in which all the branches of the Brag family speak nothingnesses to +handsome women, in hopes that they may be mistaken for somethings, +“that you are too hard upon Rushton. What you say in your note is too +severe: give him a trial. There’s no accounting for temper. I had a +cover hack once,--as pretty an animal as ever stepped,--but his temper +was unaccountable bad. Instead of flogging or pulling him, I bore +with him, and humoured him,--tried him with a snaffle instead of a +curb,--and at last he went as quiet as a lamb.” + +“What!” said Blanche, assuming the same tone,--“you recommend patience, +and advise forbearance!--I scarcely expected this.” + +“Upon my honour!” said Jack, “you know I _can_ mean nothing but what’s +right up, straight down, and no mistake. I like Rushton very much, and, +I must say, I do think you don’t give him a fair chance. I mean, if +that’s the cause of your separating--” + +“What,” said Rushton, “are you talking about me?” + +“Nothing you need mind hearing,” said Brag. “You,” continued he, rising +from his seat, and leaning over Rushton’s chair,--“you are not like our +poor friend the baronet in the next room--he, he, he!--eh?” + +“No,” said Rushton; “he seems entirely devoted.” + +“Strange blindness!” said Jack. “But, I say, Rushton,--now that Blanche +is gone to join them,--upon my life, I cannot help congratulating +you upon that. She _is_ charming; so mild--so gentle--eh! Do _that_ +off-hand--take my advice--hit the nail on the head--strike while the +iron’s hot: settle--sign--seal--eh!--black and white, and no mistake.” + +“I think I shall,” said Rushton. + +“Blanche, dear,” said Mrs. Dallington, “if you have any voice, sing us +one of those little things of Rossini’s.” + +“Voice!” said Blanche,--“I have neither voice nor inclination to sing.” + +“Do!” said Brag, taking her hand affectionately--“delight me! To-morrow +I will explain all I said just now.” + +Blanche turned from him with a shudder, which he mistook for a mark +of sensitive affection, and proceeded to the piano-forte, to which, +much to her delight, Brag saw Rushton accompany her. It was evident to +the conspirators that Brag attributed Mrs. Dallington’s proposition +for singing to a desire for a few minutes’ conversation with _him_, +because he knew enough of society to know that a young lady’s song is +the signal for the general untying of tongues; and that people who have +been all the evening sitting as silent as the grave, immediately begin +to talk and flirt the moment the music begins. To favour Brag’s too +palpable design, Sir Charles left Mrs. Dallington’s side to make way +for the pretender, and joined the happy couple at the piano-forte. + +The bait was swallowed--the baronet’s vacated place was instantly +occupied, and Brag as close as he could be to Mrs. Dallington in a +moment. The symphony was luckily long and loud. + +“How shall I thank you enough,” said Brag, “for your note? It settles +my fate:--all done, snug and comfortable. I _could_ tell you such a +story!--but mum for the present. How you _can_ go on with that most +worthy Sir Charles! upon my life you are too bad;--he believes that you +are desperately in love with him at this minute--that I know;--and I +know more,--that he is desperately in love with _you_: however, he may +stay or go, now, just as he pleases. My dear Mrs. Dallington, you have +bound me in eternal gratitude:--all will go well--and, by Heavens! I +swear--” + +“Sir Charles, Sir Charles!” said Mrs. Dallington, “do leave those +players and singers alone. Mr. Brag is getting so dreadfully tender, +that I don’t know what upon earth to do with him. I must have you, if +you please, to break the particularity of a _tête-à-tête_, and to play +propriety in that corner.” + +“The devil!” said Brag, in more than a whisper--“what the deuce are you +about?” + +“What! is our friend getting particularly animated?” said the baronet. + +“Not particularly, Sir Charles,” said Brag; “I was merely saying +_that_, which, under the circumstances, is mere matter of business, +as I conceive. I may be wrong--but I like candour and openness +nevertheless, and no mistake.” + +This sentiment, expressed in the loudest tone of voice, reached the +fair syren and her swain; the lady ceased playing, and the pair burst +out into a violent fit of laughing. + +“Well,” said Brag, who began to get uncommonly angry, “that’s civil, +considering how things stand at present.” + +This remark threw Mrs. Dallington and Sir Charles into an equally +powerful convulsion of mirth with that of the other couple. + +“I can’t help laughing at _you_, Lydiard,” said Rushton. + +“Nor I at _you_, Rushton,” said the baronet. + +“Well, it is all very good fun, I dare say,” said Brag, “but, for _my_ +part, I see no joke in your laughing at each other: there’s not much to +laugh about in any of it, if you come to that.” + +Here the four members of the party all laughed ten times louder than +before. + +“I am not aware,” said Brag, “what you are all so very merry about.” + +“Why, Mr. Brag,” said Blanche, with one of her sweetest looks, “we are +all laughing at you!” + +“At ME!” said Brag. + +“Yes, Mr. Brag,” said the widow;--“when gentlemen choose to write +duplicate love-letters to two sisters, and then show their answers to +the two gentlemen to whom these ladies are engaged, don’t you think the +affair, when discovered, becomes rather ridiculous?” + +The laugh which followed this question was so loud, that the voice of +the servant, who announced supper,--a light and social meal to which +the agreeable widow was strongly addicted, and to which her favourite +guests were always specially invited,--could scarcely be heard. + +“What!” said Brag, “have you been hoaxing me? Why, this is too bad!” + +“Not at all, Mr. Brag,” said the lady of the house. “Had the conduct of +either my sister or myself been such as to encourage your pretensions, +we might have excused your addressing either of us; but when you +undertake to make two proposals at once, the pity we might have been +inclined to feel for your blindness is turned into a sentiment which, +as supper is waiting, I will not stop to describe. Come, Sir Charles, +give me your arm; Mr. Rushton, take care of Blanche. We are going to +supper, Mr. Brag. Good evening!” + +“Good evening, Mr. Brag!” said Blanche, making a low curtsey to the +astounded little man. + +“Good night, Mr. Brag!” said Sir Charles, bowing formally. + +“Brag, good night!” said Rushton, nodding to him familiarly; and the +happy quartett went laughing down stairs to their symposium, leaving +Mr. John Brag as cold as ice and as white as a sheet, standing on +the hearth-rug with his back to the fire-place, transfixed, as it +were, to the spot. The world was at an end! His eyes rested upon the +marquetrie and the buhl, and the ebony and the ivory, and the Sevres +and the Dresden, and the large looking-glasses, and the Louis-Quatorze +tables,--all of which he had, half an hour before, considered his own +goods and chattels; and there he would have stood till “morning’s +dawn,” had not one of the footmen, more considerate than the rest, gone +up to him and asked him if he should call a cab for him, for that it +had set in a very wet night. + +It was all too true!--this appeal awakened him from his dream. He +declined the offer, took his hat, and descended the staircase to +the hall; passed the door of the library where the supper had been +served; heard the clatter of plates, and the peals of mirth which were +doubtless ringing at his cost, and stepped from the door of his lost +paradise into a thick mizzling rain with a sharp wind, which drifted +right into his blanched face, saturated his thin shoes, and made him as +bodily miserable as he was mentally unhappy. + + + + + CHAPTER II. + + +After this most disagreeable ejectment, the character of which might +be well expressed in the words which Mr. Kane O’Hara has put into the +mouth of the kicked-out-of-Heaven Apollo, who calls his expulsion from +the higher regions and his fall to earth, “a pretty decent tumble!” +it may naturally be supposed that our sprightly friend, Jack, was +rather out of sorts. As he baffled the wind which drove the sharp rain +peppering into his eyes, new lights seemed to burst upon him; and in +recalling to mind the whole course of his proceedings with the ladies, +“trifles light as air,” came one after the other to his recollection, +which, coolly and calmly combined, tended to exhibit himself _to_ +himself in anything but a favourable point of view. + +He began all at once to perceive that the lovers as well as the ladies +had all along been playing upon him; and the idea that both of them +should have accepted him seemed, in the midst of the soaking shower, +an absurdity only to be equalled by his having himself made the double +proposal. In fact, it is quite curious, as a matter of natural history, +to consider the extraordinary effects produced upon the pretender by +the wretchedness of his present position; and one might have hoped +that such an exposure, and such a degradation, would have cured his +affectation and pretension for ever:--but no. As soon as the next day +dawned and the sun again shone, Jack’s despondency was at an end, and +his natural disposition for bouncing rather sharpened than checked by +the desire he now felt of showing how little he cared for his late +disaster, and how much better he could do for himself now that he was +freed from his self-imposed fetters. + +It nevertheless suggested itself to him, that it would be wiser and +more prudent to choose another sphere of action; for, besides having a +better chance of success, it would remove him for the present from the +town which held the ladies and their lovers, with all or any of whom he +felt a meeting for the next few weeks would be extremely disagreeable. + +In casting about for a retreat, he recollected that Lord Tom, as Sir +Charles had truly said, was staying at Dover; and as that circumstance +would secure him a friend, and probably some introduction into +society there, he determined upon following his noble friend thither +forthwith; and therefore upon his often-tried principle of figuring +in print amongst the great and gay, he caused his portmanteau and +bag to be deposited at a hotel in the vicinity of his town “plate,” +at which he slept that night, and at the door of which the Branch +Coach of the Dover Union, would call for him the next morning, and +convey him to The Bricklayers’ Arms, with the certainty that he would, +on the second day after his arrival on the coast, find amongst the +“fashionable departures” in the fashionable London newspapers, the +words--“Mr. Brag, from Pumpkin’s Hotel, for Dover.” It would have been +easier to have slept at his lodgings at Kennington, and hired somebody +to carry his baggage from his “little place in Surrey” to the Kent +Road--but no:--then he must have been at the expense of paying for the +announcement of his own removal, whereas by his present arrangement he +got _that_ gratis, and flourished at the hotel for a few hours for less +money than the insertion would have cost him, had he adopted the other +means. + +At one time, soon after his father’s death, Jack made an attempt at +popularity amongst the sicklies at Cheltenham, and contributed to one +or two public charities, and two or three private subscriptions for +distressed objects. Upon these occasions he regularly transmitted +his donation to the printer of the newspaper, with directions to +deduct the charge of inserting his name and liberality in the +columns of his “widely circulated” journal, and hand the balance of +whatever he enclosed to the charity:--for instance, one pound for +the subscription, and five-and-twenty shillings for advertising his +benevolence three times. + +This ostentatious virtue has a parallel in an anecdote recorded, +falsely or correctly, I know not which, of a late celebrated dissenting +preacher, who, upon the occasion of visiting a family reduced to a +dreadful state of poverty, found the father of four or five starving +children shirtless in bed; his necessities having driven him to sell +his last remaining garment. A sight like this, could not fail to move +so exemplary a man: he desired the children to quit the room, and +forthwith divested himself of the shirt he himself wore, to “cover the +nakedness” of the emaciated sufferer. This being done, the children +were called back, and bid by their parent to go on their knees to +the pious minister, who had deprived himself of his own garment to +comfort their father. They did so; they wept for gratitude,--and they +did more: all four of them went,--one east, one west, one south, and +one north,--and proclaimed the excellence of the pastor; and when +he quitted the house which he had adorned by his presence, women, +standing at their doors, bent lowly before him, and pointed him out to +the babes in their arms, whom he blessed; and when their husbands came +home from work the story was told, and repeated, until at length it +reached the “public,” who joined in the praise and admiration, which +soon became general. What would they have said or thought if they +had known that this saintly person, who had won all their love and +gratitude, had, in order to produce the desired effect, put on, before +he left home, the particular shirt which he thus sacrificed _over the +one that he actually wore_! + +It might be thought an ill compliment to one of the parties, to make +a comparison between this departed worthy and Jack Brag; but if the +history be a true one, there is not much to choose between them. Jack +however found, that with all his much-spoken-of benevolence, he could +gain no solid advantage by conciliating the affections of a maiden +lady, whose fortune he knew to be considerable, and who was of a most +charitable turn of mind, and he therefore quitted Cheltenham nearly +as much discomfited as he now found himself on his departure from +London--only the retirement in that case had been altogether voluntary. +In his last failure his exit was far less qualified, and, in truth, he +felt very much like the gentleman who in ancient verse says-- + + “Perhaps it was right to dissemble her love; + But why did she kick me down stairs?” + +The journey to Dover is not one which requires much space for detail, +although scarcely a road out of London affords more striking evidence +of the wealth and importance of the British metropolis. The frequent +glimpses of the majestic Thames, bearing on his ample breast a daily +fleet of countless vessels, and which especially strike the foreign +traveller just on leaving Milton, where the expansive reach of the +Upper Hope first catches the eye,--are full of beauty and interest. The +verdant fields and “hedge-rows green,” with the hop-gardens in full +bloom, clustering even more gracefully than the boasted vine, afford +a delightful contrast to the wide waste of _la belle France_, which, +perhaps, one has just left; while, as far as comforts go, the inns +at Rochester, Sittingbourne, and Canterbury, afford all that can be +desired, at least to those who can afford to desire them. + +Amongst the mutations of fashion, few appear to be so reasonable +as that by which Dover (the “Clavis et repagulum totius regni,” as +Matthew Paris calls it) has become a place of favourite resort for +the best society. It combines a great variety of attractions, and, as +long as England continues at peace with France, the daily intercourse +between the two countries produces a constant activity, and a change of +visiters every twenty-four hours, for the enlivenment and amusement of +those who take up their residence in it for the season. + +“No promontory, town, or haven, in Christendom is so placed by nature +and situation, both to gratify friends and annoy enemies, as this town +of Dover. No place is so settled to receive and deliver intelligence +for all matters and actions in Europe from time to time; no town is by +nature so settled either to allure intercourse by sea, or to train +inhabitants by land, to make it great, rich, fair, and populous; nor +is there in the whole circuit of this famous isle, any port, either +in respect of security or defence, or of traffic or intercourse, more +convenient, needful, or rather of necessity to be regarded, than this +of Dover.” + +So sayeth Sir Walter Raleigh, in his memorial to Queen Elizabeth; and +if that much-injured worthy were alive to see his favourite town at +this period, he would be quite satisfied that his successors in this +transitory world have ably worked out his principle. The people of the +present day are assiduously continuing their improvements under the +sanction of the illustrious Lord-Warden. Nor are the improvements in +the port and harbour the only testimonies of its flourishing condition; +squares, gardens, streets, rows, crescents, parades, esplanades, and +terraces, are rising from the beach, and form a delightful contrast +to the business-like appearance of the thickly-thronged pier, and the +London-like gaiety of Snargate, with all the attractions of Muddle’s +and Mummery’s. + +In this agreeable _locale_ was John Brag, Esq. deposited at a quarter +before seven o’clock; and having caused himself to be set down at the +corner of a lane leading up to one of the best houses in the place, he +called a little boy with a ragged jacket and well-tarred trowsers, to +carry his portmanteau and bag to one of the smallest hostelries in the +town, which stands in Church Street, and rejoices in the sign of “The +Three Mackerels,” at which “hotel” Brag proposed to occupy an apartment +at the very top of the house,--for the benefit of the air. + +The first desideratum in mechanics is the production of the greatest +possible power in the smallest possible space; and the attainment of +this advantage, in a moral point of view, was the ever-present object +of Jack’s ambition; that is to say, to make as much show as possible at +the least possible expense:--for Jack, in the outset of his feverish +efforts at settling himself in good society, had disbursed so largely, +that it had become a matter of prudence, if not of necessity, to “shave +close.” Several of his greatest friends were his largest debtors; +and Lord Tom Towzle, as has been before hinted, had not unfrequently +availed himself of Jack’s anxiety to oblige. Having, in two or three +instances, discovered that either the well was dry, or that the pump +would not work, his lordship had latterly given up soliciting the aid +of his lively acquaintance, but at the same time had evinced less +desire for the advantages of his agreeable society. Jack, however, who +was one of the regular cur tribe, who sneak back to the vulgar great +upon the “cut and come again” principle, resolved, if he could not get +his principal out of the penniless lordling, to take his interest in +the way of introductions to good company; and so, like Sinbad’s old +man, he took the earliest opportunity of mounting his lordship the next +morning. + +After a night, not blest with the most soothing dreams, Jack rose from +his bed, dressed, and descended from his eyrie, resolved to find Lord +Tom in time for his morning meal; and having discovered a back entrance +to the alehouse in which he had stowed himself away, he proceeded by +that route to the “Ship” inn, where, he guessed--and, as it turned +out, correctly--his noble friend was staying:--and there, as he +proposed, surprised, not altogether agreeably, his noble friend in the +act of sitting down to breakfast. + +“Why, Brag,” said his lordship, “what the deuce has brought you here? +Where’s the widow? Has Lydiard shot himself?--or have you shot him, and +bolted?” + +“None of it,” said Brag:--“no--that game’s up:--cut the connexion +altogether, smack, smooth, and no mistake. Lydiard may have her--win +her and wear her for his pains. Rather too cunning for me--can’t bear +forwardness--eh!--you take. I value nothing that does not require some +hunting after.” + +“What!--then you have abandoned her,” said Lord Tom; “left her +mourning!--hard-hearted Jack! + + ‘Sick with desire, and seeking him she loves, + From street to street the raving Dido roves. + So when the watchful shepherd from the blind, + Wounds, with a random shaft, the careless hind, + Distracted with her pain, she flies the woods, + Bounds o’er the lawn, and seeks the silent floods + With fruitless care; for still the fatal dart + Sticks in her side, and rankles at her heart.’” + +“There it must stick,” said Jack--“that’s all I know. I’m off there: I +have seen enough of that house and its inhabitants:--old birds are not +caught with chaff--eh! No, no--I know enough of the females to take +care of myself.” + +“Come,” said Lord Tom, “sit down, and eat: my notion is, that starving +is good for no complaint. Keep your heart up by keeping your stomach +full; so, now + + ‘Rebellion’s dead and let us go to breakfast.’” + +Brag needed no more pressing invitation to do ample justice to the +substantial repast which was placed before him; and his exertions in +the way of replenishing afforded very satisfactory evidence that he was +not pining for the loss of his “ladye-love,” and that his indifference +was genuine and sincere. + +“All the world here,” said Lord Tom--“not a house to be had--people you +know by dozens. How long do you stay?” + +“Never pin myself to time,” said Jack--“as long as I find it +pleasant. Have about fifteen invitations to different places in the +country:--can’t cut myself into bits--go to as many as I can. This +fish is uncommon good--eh!--fresh out of the water, and no mistake.” + +“How’s your mother, Jack?” said Lord Tom. + +“Can’t say,” said Jack; “haven’t seen her since the ‘Bridge’ day.” + +“Then you don’t know whether she has forgiven you?” said his lordship. + +“Oh! she’s like me,” said Brag, “she don’t bear malice. I dare say it’s +all right, up and straight down, and no mistake, by this time. Talking +of that,--are there any likely females for a matrimonial concern here?” + +“Why,” said his lordship, “I have been here so short a time, that I +can’t present you with a list; but in the afternoon the band will play +on the Parade, and we’ll go and see the turn-out. You still stick to +the marrying line?” + +“Yes,” said Jack, “when I can see one to suit. I’ll have another cup +of tea, my lord,” continued he. “I say--talking of suiting--just look +there--of course tiled, as I say:--read _that_, and then, I think, you +won’t wonder at my cutting the widow.” + +Saying which, the generous gentleman, the _kickee_ of the family, +tossed the accepting letter of Mrs. Dallington across the table to his +lordship, for his perusal and edification. + +“Well,” said Lord Tom, “what in the world would you have?--here is +consent, or the deuce is in it. I don’t see exactly how you could get +out of the business after this.” + +“I tell you, my lord, I cut and run,” said Jack. “What I saw the +evening before last, when I went, settled it. I took my hat and +walked--wouldn’t even stop to supper:--a regular turn off.” + +“What _did_ you see,” said Lord Tom. + +“Mum!” said Jack, “that never passes my lips. Where the female sex +is concerned, honour is everything. I know you wouldn’t wish me to +say more: the thing’s over now, and there’s an end: but if I _do_ +marry, rely upon it, neither Mrs. Dallington nor Miss Englefield shall +visit my wife: that’s all:--_entree nows_, as the French says, and no +mistake.” + +“Well, I am sorry to hear this,” said Lord Tom; “for although, somehow, +I was never a favourite there, I had the merit of introducing you to +them, and I wish the acquaintance had been more satisfactory. I suppose +they will take up with their long-dangling lovers.” + +“Perhaps yes,” said Brag, putting his finger to his nose--“perhaps no: +that’s no affair of mine. All _I_ mean to say is, the ladies are ‘much +of a muchness,’ as I _could_ show you--only, as I say, honour’s the +thing, and no mistake.” + +“I believe, Jack,” said Lord Tom, “you have a great deal to answer for. +What’s gone with the unfortunate victim of your success whom we met in +Regent Street?” + +“Hang me if I know!” said Jack. “Poor girl! I sometimes do think of +_her_. Wouldn’t do now for a wife--but--else--nice little thing in her +way.” + +“Didn’t you say she was somehow connected with you?” said Lord Tom. + +“Yes, distantly--very distantly,” said Jack, wondering in his own mind +when he had ever been sufficiently candid, or drunk, to have admitted +the connexion in any degree whatever: “her brother, the Major, married +a relative of mine.” + +“I think it is rather lucky,” said Lord Tom, “that her brother, the +Major, does not take it into his head to make some enquiries upon the +subject of the affair.” + +“He’s abroad,” said Jack; “besides--all snug--never suspected. Her +mother wonders why I have cut them, no doubt:--out of my line--can’t +keep on visiting:--one thing at one time, eh! different at another, you +know. Don’t mean to marry her, eh!--a little too late, eh!--all that +sort of thing.” + +Lord Tom, since the affair of the “Bridge” appointment, and the +disclosures which the respectable Mrs. Brag had thought proper to make +upon that occasion, began to grow a little more suspicious of his +friend’s strict adherence to the truth than he previously had been; but +as he was bound to countenance him as long as he remained in society, +by his pecuniary obligations to him, he resolved to keep secret all +the facts which had come to his knowledge, but at the same time more +attentively to watch his future proceedings: indeed, the matter of Mrs. +Dallington’s note which he exhibited, combined with Brag’s manner in +describing his own indignation and disgust, had the effect of rather +unsettling his mind upon _that_ business, and he resolved to write +to somebody in town for a correct version of the break-off, which, +under the circumstances, could not fail to create a sensation in--as +everybody calls his own circle--“the world;” Lord Tom thinking, that if +Jack were convicted of romancing at the expense of the characters of +all the men and women with whom he was permitted to associate, it would +be absolutely necessary to shake him off, and leave him to any legal +remedy he might think fit to adopt for the recovery of the money he had +borrowed of him, which his lordship quite well knew he had lent as a +consideration for any good offices which he might be able to do for him +in the way of patronage. + +After the discussion of breakfast, my lord and his little-expected +tiger began their perambulations. The Pier was visited, although +the freshness of the breeze kept the “females” from that delightful +promenade. In the course of their walk they encountered a certain Sir +James Gunnersbury, an old artillery officer of Lord Tom’s acquaintance, +who with the greatest warmth and cordiality invited his lordship to +dine with him that day _sans-façon_, if he happened to be disengaged. + +The critical moment had arrived, and Jack, who heard the invitation +given, actually shook with apprehension as to the course his noble +friend might think fit to pursue; his delight was great, however, when +he heard his noble patron hesitatingly decline the bidding on the score +of being engaged to “his friend, who was on a visit to him for a few +days.” The truth was, that Lord Tom had no great inclination to accept +the invitation, and rather wished to back out upon the plea of being +tied to his visiter. The gallant officer, however, was quite resolved +to have him, and entreated his lordship to do him the favour to present +him to his companion, in order that he might express his wish that +_he_ also would honour him and Lady Gunnersbury with his company. + +To Jack this was the most agreeable thing in the world; and if it +had not been so, it would have been extremely difficult to evade it. +Brag looked at his lordship, who made no sign of either a negative or +an affirmative character, and accordingly his “friend” bowed, rather +awkwardly, and said he should be most happy: and the affair being +settled, Sir James, “his pig-tail fluttering in the wind,” made the +best of his way home to the house which he and his family occupied in +the Parade. + +“Rather a nuisance,” said Lord Tom, after he had taken his departure: +“deuced dull his parties in town:--Lady Gunnersbury, the greatest bore +on earth--and two daughters, who sing all night; a remarkably slow +coach of a son,--and not a particularly good cook. However, we may see +something to amuse us.” + +“Daughters!” said Brag: “rich--eh?” + +“Poor as church mice, I take it,” said his lordship, “and no +beauties:--fancy themselves blue.” + +“Blue!” said Jack--“what an odd notion.” + +“Very odd, indeed,” replied Lord Tom; “but they talk--as you will hear. +All I hope is, it is not a mere family party--for we shall die of the +blues ourselves if it is.” + +Brag, who was too happy at the idea of opening a new connexion, now +that he saw his noble friend’s kindness of manner towards him, began +to wish that he had at once proceeded to “The Ship,” instead of having +studied economy so deeply as to ensconce himself in a minor and obscure +house of entertainment;--it would be so much more convenient--so +much more agreeable--and he could then be continually with his noble +friend:--but now the great difficulty, in his small mind, was how to +get his portmanteau and bag conveyed from “The Three Mackerels” to +the leading hotel of the place. This required considerable dexterity +to manage, but at last his genius triumphed; and having got into his +apartment, he sent for a fly, in which he deposited his property; +and having driven to the hotel, paid the fly-driver his fare, and +dismissed him without permitting him to exchange a syllable with any of +the waiters, or ostlers, or porters near, which might have the effect +of enlightening them as to the “place from whence he came:” such pains +and trouble did he always take, to seem to be, that which he was not, +nor ever could be. + +Upon this special occasion he was remarkably unfortunate; for although +he had managed so much of the affair as has just been described, he was +not destined to sail out of it altogether with flying colours. It was +about five o’clock in the afternoon when some gay friends of Lord Tom’s +had just arrived at the “Ship,” whence they were to start for Calais in +the morning, to whom his lordship had just introduced our hero, and the +coffee-room was thickly peopled with persons of certain consideration, +when a waiter advanced to Jack, who was laying down the law about some +horse that was to run at Doncaster in a somewhat authoritative tone, +and told him a young woman wished to speak to him. + +“Hallo! Jack,” said Lord Tom--“what! at your old tricks already!--more +fascinations--no time lost. Where is she?” + +“At the door, my lord,” said the waiter. + +“I’ll come this moment,” said Jack. “’Pon my life! I don’t know what it +means.” + +“By Jove! but we’ll see,” said his lordship; and accordingly he and +the two or three men of his group who perceived that they might +presume a little upon the goodnature of their new acquaintance Brag, +rushed out into the hall, where stood before them on the steps, a poor +wretched-looking girl, wearing black stockings, a cracked chip bonnet, +a begrimed gown, and a dirty green baize apron. + +The moment the horrid vision met Brag’s eyes, he recognized it:--it was +the one sole, solitary she-servant of the pot-house he had so skilfully +abandoned. + +“Oh! sir,” said the girl,--“I beg your pardon,--but missus found your +nightcap and comb in the attic after you were gone--so she bid me run +and bring them to you.” + +“Where do you come from, my dear?” said Lord Tom, with a killing +gravity of countenance. + +“‘The Three Mackerels,’” said the girl, “where that little gentleman +in the white cords slept last night.” Saying which, she produced the +articles in question,--the cap not bearing quite the lily-hue, and the +comb, unclean as it was, being somewhat scant of teeth. + +The expression of Jack’s countenance at the moment this exhibition took +place was beyond description wretched. The friend and associate of Lord +Tom Towzle--the companion of peers and dandies--to be the owner of two +such objects!--as the French say; and that those _objets_ should have +been transmitted to him from the “attic” of “The Three Mackerels,” +where he “had slept the night before!” + +But the worst was not yet over:--what was he to do with the cap and +comb, now that he had gotten them?--for he had, almost unconsciously, +taken them into his possession:--Throw them away he could not; deny +them he dare not,--for, upon the edge of the cap, the letters B, R, A, +G, were marked in red silk capitals. Must he “quit the gay throng,” +and carry them himself up to his present dormitory?--or must he spread +the history of the affair still more, by handing them over to a waiter +or a chambermaid to deposit them there for him? + +The laughter which this incident provoked it was impossible for the +spectators entirely to conceal; and the fact that it elicited, as to +the “_venue_” of Jack’s last night’s lodging, did not at all decrease +Lord Tom’s suspicions that his friend was habitually disposed to +justify his possession of the name in which he rejoiced. + +Brag thought, and thought wisely, that the best thing he could do was +to, what he called “cut and run;” and so if he could not check the +mirth which the exposure of his weakness had excited, he might at all +events escape the misery of hearing it ringing in peals round his +devoted head; accordingly, grasping the nightcap and comb, and devoutly +wishing both of them midway between Calais and Dover, or anywhere +else in the world but where they were, he bounded up stairs to his +newly-acquired apartment. + +Had so miserable an animal as a punster been present at Brag’s sudden +departure, there would have doubtlessly been sundry criminalities +committed in the way of quibbles, about Brag’s being armed _cap_-a-pied +but not _comb_-il-faut, or some such nonsense; luckily, however, the +audience and spectators were well-bred, well-dressed gentlemen, and +disdained a joke with as much sovereign contempt as if they could have +made one themselves. They looked at each other; those with moustachios +twisted their whiskers--those with none, rubbed their foreheads; +and all of them turned involuntarily to Lord Tom, as the sun of the +sunflowers, in hopes of ascertaining who the little gentleman in the +white cords was, who had just run up stairs with part of his bed-room +furniture from the sign of “The Three Mackerels.” + +Lord Tom was a man of the world, as the reader may naturally believe: +by his manner he repudiated any intimate acquaintance with Jack; +proclaimed him an excellent rider, light weight, and up to any hounds; +and further announced his intention of taking him over to Paris, to +“astonish the natives” in the Champ de Mars by carrying off all the +prizes at the races on the following Sunday, to the infinite dismay of +the sporting world of that lively city. His lordship accompanied this +account of his obsequious friend with an indescribable look, which +left his lordship entirely exonerated from any responsibility on the +score of his manners or habits, and gave a tone to the character of the +_liaison_ between them, in the smallest degree flattering to the vulgar +coxcomb who had recently escaped. + +When the hour of dressing for dinner approached, Brag “showed” +again--the coast was then clear; but Lord Tom, if he had not very much +desired to benefit himself by Jack’s only available accomplishment on +the turf, and had not moreover felt conscious of the “debt of honour, +which must be paid,” would most gladly have either persuaded him not +to accompany him to General Gunnersbury’s, or to permit him to send an +excuse on account of a sudden attack of spasms--a raging tooth-ache--or +any other of those “ills which flesh is heir to,” and which, as Dr. +Short told Mr. Brown in India, make no external show; but Jack would +not give his lordship the slightest chance or opportunity to get off +the engagement. + +It was just as the clock was striking seven that Lord Tom and his +squire proceeded on foot, enveloped in cloaks to screen themselves from +the effects of a regular gale of wind across the bridge, and pursued +their way along the coast, making first for Mrs. Dutsell’s baths, and +thence taking a fresh departure for the great bombardier’s hospitable +mansion on the Parade--a perfect silence having been observed by both +parties as to the episode of the cap and comb, any reference to which, +Lord Tom knew would be unpleasant to his companion, and the particulars +of which he thought it most judicious not to touch upon, since, as the +reader knows, his lordship meant to make use of Jack on the race-course. + +When the visiters entered the drawing-room, Lord Tom was horror-struck +and Jack delighted at finding a large party already assembled, amongst +whom were several people whom he knew, and some few whom he did not +know; however, the body consisted of not less than fourteen persons, +who were destined to be crammed into a dining parlour, licensed, by +size, not to carry more than ten inside. + +Jack was presented to Lady Gunnersbury, who did not hear his name, +and subsequently to the two young ladies--young by courtesy--upon +whom Jack, very shortly after the performance of the ceremony of +introduction, began to play off some of his most insinuating tricks. +The way in which the tall, gaunt damsels looked at him, most forcibly +reminded Lord Tom, who was watching his progress, of the regards of +mingled curiosity and surprise with which the Brobdignagian virgins +considered Gulliver; Jack, however, nothing daunted, went off at +score; and during the dreadful quarter of an hour before dinner, +when the company were as cold and as stiff as wax-work, Jack’s voice +was specially audible. When, however, dinner was announced, the +unfortunate interference of precedence with pleasure threw him out, +and he found himself last, and “least,” except young Gunnersbury, to +quit the drawing-room, the fair ladies of the party being appropriated +to persons having ascertainable rank, and _he_ left next what he +called the “crowpee,” with the back of his head exposed not only to +the draughts of wind from the sea, which found their way through the +hall, but to certain thumps and bumps of the door of the room itself, +whenever it was necessary to open or shut it. + +The “crowpee” was, of course, young Gunnersbury; and Jack’s left-hand +neighbour was a German baron, who spoke no English. The heir of the +house was particularly fine; and even if he condescended to notice any +of the stray guests whom his father was in the habit of inviting, while +they were actually at table, made a point of cutting them dead, if he +met them anywhere else the next day. He took an inveterate aversion +at first sight, from Jack and his curls and studs, and never deigned +even to look at, much less to speak to him, throughout the rest of the +dinner: Jack’s position was therefore not particularly enviable. + +To describe accurately Lady Gunnersbury’s character and conversation +is, I apprehend, beyond the reach of pen. The old lady, who neither +looked, nor, it is to be presumed, felt old, lived in a state of +perpetual anxiety to talk to everybody near and about her, upon every +subject which they might be discussing, being at the same time most +punctiliously, or rather pesteringly, civil and attentive to her +guests, especially at dinner. This assiduity was derived from the age +and mode in which she had been educated; and her evident anxiety to +talk with everybody about everything arose from the circumstance of her +having once been deaf for several years together, of which infirmity, +Time, or some successful aurist, had cured her. It was her desire to +show not only that she was no longer deaf, but that she could hear half +a dozen things at once, and reply to them all, that produced an effect +of which I despair of being able to convey even a faint idea. + +On the right hand of her ladyship, who assumed the head of the table, +sat the Earl of Dullingham; on the left, Lord Tom, next to whom the +Countess was placed, on the right hand of Sir James Gunnersbury, on +whose left was Mrs. Carnaby; next to her was seated a Mr. Paddle, and +between him and the “crowpee” Mr. Carnaby. Next the earl, on the other +side of the table, was the elder Miss Gunnersbury; and between her and +her sister Sir Henry Rockly. Next to the younger miss was deposited the +German baron; and between the baron and the “crowpee,” Brag. + +Seated and settled, and the soup discussed, the conversation became +general, but not universal. The neighbours who were acquainted with +each other began to chat; the Earl and Maria--the Countess and Sir +James--Lady Gunnersbury and Lord Tom--Rockly and Eliza--Paddle and Mrs. +Carnaby--Carnaby and young Gunnersbury;--but Brag and the Baron were +basketed. Had Brag been placed next either of the girls, he flattered +himself, from the play he had made up-stairs, and the way in which +his little attentions had been received, that he should have got on +remarkably well, and no mistake; but being hedged in between two men, +one of whom could not, and the other of whom would not, speak, was +anything but smack smooth, straight up and right down, in his opinion. + +When the Babel-like noise of the jovial party was at its height, Lady +Gunnersbury began to be in her glory: in every dialogue she must have a +word--in every tête-à-tête discussion an interference; and in something +like this fashion did she continue one incessant gabble of confusion, +such as could not well have been worse confounded. + +“My dear Lord, take some of these cutlets.--I think so, Mrs. Carnaby; +always said she was beautiful; dresses so well.--Done with sauce _à +la Soubise_.--I’m glad you like Dover, Lord Thomas; the pier is so +charming--so fine and clear in a morning-walk.--Looks so well in that +pretty pink bonnet, Mrs. Carnaby.--Thank you, I’ll take the sweet: +limit myself to two glasses at dinner.--Capital invention,--four +thousand gallons in a minute!--Very full, just now.--Maria, what +will you have, dear?--you eat nothing.--Wonderful accumulation of +shingle.--As you say, Sir Henry, what a man Shakespeare was!--dear, +dear!--quite a wonder rising in that dark age.--Striped red and +white, was it, Mr. Paddle?--I love balloons.--Sir Walter Raleigh +wrote it, my lord: I heard you ask Maria. I forget how many plays +he wrote--fifty-two, I think. What a shocking thing to cut his head +off, my lord, after all that time--wasn’t it?--A blue body with red +wheels--I heard you tell Sir James about the coach.--So superior to +any writer of his time.--With morocco squabs.--A little bread-sauce, +if you please.--From Lord Mackdaudle’s place in Scotland; always +sends us plenty.--Tremendous sight the parachute, as you say.--Come +in boxes once a week. I don’t think it quite so good as his last.--I +heard your opinion of Captain Marryat’s book; one of our very best +writers.--Meyer and Miller make for Sir James: you were asking my son, +Mr. Carnaby, about shoemaking.--In three volumes, with plates--And a +little of the _fondu_.--We get it from the library.--Eliza, dear, Mr. +Paddle wishes to drink wine with you. Different place this from Paris, +Mr. Paddle.--With a shifting rumble, Sir James, if you please.--Won’t +Baron Bumbeltronden take _fondu_? You speak German, Eliza, ask the +baron; I don’t: I am no great linguist. I am very much of the opinion +that one tongue is sufficient for one woman.” + +“Especially, my dear,” said Sir James, “if, like Dr. Johnson’s +memorable sheep’s tail, it be long enough.” + +Under the heavy fire of my lady’s eloquence, the dinner proceeded as +dinners usually do. Jack had not opened his lips, except to put the +viands and wines of his gallant host into his mouth; and although +Lord Tom supported him by asking him to drink wine with him, young +Gunnersbury devoted himself entirely to Carnaby, to whom, when he +did speak, he spoke in an under-tone, keeping, as it were, aloof +from all the guests excepting the Earl and Countess, to whom he was +obsequiously polite, and Sir Henry Rockly, to whom he was remarkably +civil. Sir James, however, called upon Jack to do him a similar favour +to that which he had done Lord Tom; but in inviting him to the social +intercourse, he unfortunately called him Mr. Bag, instead of Brag, +which excited some attention, caused a slight whispering, and excited a +few titterings. + +There is always in women a goodness of feeling towards those whom they +imagine to be ill at ease with themselves; a kind of pity certainly +not akin to love, but which shows itself in an anxiety to “make things +agreeable.” This sort of sentiment both the young ladies entertained +towards Brag: they saw how perfectly uncomfortable he was, and Eliza, +who was nearer to him than her sister, after ineffectually telegraphing +her brother to be civil to the stranger, put herself sufficiently +forward to afford him a gracious look, which encouraged him to suggest +a glass of champagne. Had he seen the expression of young Gunnersbury’s +countenance while this ceremony was in progress, it would have turned +his Silleri into prussic acid: the frown he bestowed upon his sister +the first time their eyes met after it was over, even more distinctly +marked his high mightiness’s entire disapproval of the whole proceeding. + +According to Brag’s calculation, they had sat at least five hours after +dinner before Lady Gunnersbury, whose incessant volubility it would be +impossible to follow, at least with any chance of catching it, until +at length that exemplary lady at once delighted and astounded him by +announcing the retreat of the ladies. + +“Dear Lady Dullingham, I am ready,” said the hostess. “_I_ see, Sir +James; hate the custom nevertheless--separating after dinner.--I hear +you, Sir Henry: with a band of music and a cold collation, I agree; +but in England.--Oh, fie! Mr. Paddle, that is really ungallant--unlike +you.--In a barge by moonlight; don’t do so in Paris, Sir Henry.--What +Eliza says is quite right; but such a bad singer: however, we must bow +to custom, Lady Dullingham.--I quite agree with you, Mrs. Carnaby, +about the bull-fights.--Isn’t it quite extraordinary?--Prejudice +and custom, as you say.--Lights up-stairs.--With the matadores and +picadores, and--The omelette soufflée, Sir Henry, I know.--Delicate +creatures, indeed!--handfuls of nuts to throw the men down.--Very +extraordinary.--At Tortoni’s, Hardy’s, or anywhere else, all the +same.--Entirely steam.--Very fine sight, I dare say--two hundred horse +power.--The meat, I believe, is given to the poor.--The “Nel più” is +the only thing she does decently well.--I differ with you still about +the omelette.--Dragged away by horses.--Dear George, do ring the bell.” + +The last words were music to Jack’s ears; and they were followed, in +less than five minutes, by the adjournment of the “females,” Lady +Gunnersbury stopping kindly to hope that he had not felt any draught of +air from the door during dinner,--an act of civility and courtesy which +her son, by his look, deemed entirely superfluous, but which induced +Sir James, the moment the ladies were gone, to insist upon Brag’s +closing up on his side, in order to rescue him from the taciturnity of +the baron, and the studied coldness of his son. + +Lord Tom, in the plenitude of his good-nature, seeing Brag so unusually +nervous and depressed, became anxious to put him at his ease, and +bring him out; besides which, he felt in some sort offended by the +supercilious manner which Mr. Gunnersbury had thought proper to adopt +towards a guest of his father’s, whom he knew to be a friend of his. +His lordship therefore gave Brag an “excellent character” in a whisper +to Sir James, and, above all, lauded his judgment in horseflesh and his +skill in equitation, to which he was the more readily inclined because +his praises upon that point were really well-merited, and because the +noble and taciturn Earl of Dullingham, who sat on the opposite side +of the table, had been, in his day, a great sporting man, and who, +although now declined into the vale of years, and retired from “the +turf,” still, as the old coachman loves the crack of the whip, entered +with more interest into conversations touching such matters than any +other. + +“It strikes me,” said Sir James, “that our Government ought in some +way to interfere in order to prevent the exportation of our best +English horses, the effect of which must eventually be, not only the +improvement of the breed in countries which, however peaceable the +world looks just now, must and will, in the course of time, be at war +with us, but the deprival of the English cavalry of their acknowledged +superiority in cattle, at all events, over our enemies.” + +“If I had _my_ way,” said Brag, encouraged by the deference with +which Sir James addressed this observation specially to him, “not a +nag should go abroad--no, not at any price. I have been over and over +again offered lumps of money for some of my hunters to go to France and +Germany, and the deuce knows where. No, says I, not a bit of it: I’m +English from top to toe--straight up, right down, and no mistake. I’ll +be no party to mending the foreign breed, let what may happen.” + +The German baron coughed, and young Gunnersbury silently expressed his +astonishment at the burst which his father’s injudicious patronage of +the stranger had occasioned. + +“You are a true sportsman, sir,” said Lord Dullingham, gravely taking a +pinch of snuff. + +“And,” said Lord Tom, “as good a rider as you’ll see from Totness to +Newcastle.” + +“I do flatter myself,” said Jack, “I can come it strong in that +line”--(Here Sir Henry Rockly exchanged a look with Carnaby)--“and no +mistake. Lord Tom knows what I’m up to. In one week I’ve hunted five +times, rode two trotting matches, and three steeple chases, picked up +a hundred stones with my mouth in fifty-five minutes, and killed two +hundred and nineteen brace of partridges.” + +“With a long bow,” said somebody, loud enough to be heard by everybody +except Jack himself, who was now on his hobby. + +“I stick at nothing in that way,” said Brag--“do I, my lord?”--looking +at Lord Tom. “Many a time I’ve gone after hounds for twenty minutes, as +blind as a bat, as wet as a rat, and as sick as a cat, with the skin of +my leg rasped up by the top of a grower from my shin to my knee, and +only brought to my senses then by bumping my head right against that of +my horse, for all the world like a flash of lightning, that loosened +all my teeth in their sockets. That’s what I call going across a +country, and no mistake. I’d have backed my “Tantrum” against anything +of his age and inches that ever switched rasper. Jem Jiggins had the +handling of him for some time, and a queer one he was, at first; but +they as begins rum, turns out generally well in the end. One day, +however, sold him:--run three foxes, one after another, right on end, +seventy-two miles and a half in all!--he was done:--got my money for +him though, after that. Had him painted; the picture is now at a little +place I have in Surrey, with me on his back, topping a flight of rails, +just alongside of “Fly-away Dick,” with portraits of two or three +Melton men in the distance--eh!--that’s good.” + +This sudden dash out of his super-incumbent despair, and the way in +which he helped himself to the veteran bombardier’s port-wine, in +preference to claret, convinced Lord Tom that he was determined to +rally against the tyrannical treatment which he had received from the +young squire. + +“Have you hunted much in Dorsetshire, sir?” said the earl; “if you +have not, I should think the Vale of Blackmore would give you some +opportunities of showing your skill amongst the drains: half the fences +are double, and the ditches wide and deep.” + +“No, my lord,” said Brag, “I’ve never seen much of that country, but +shouldn’t care if I did. I’ve heard of it, and all the history of +Oliver’s blind mare; but folks _do_ stretch sometimes. There’s a story +of a Lord Penfeather, or some such chap, which he used to tell of +himself--of taking a double fence and a double ditch, and afterwards +clearing a Dorchester doctor, horse and all, who had grounded on the +top of his nob just outside a drain beyond _that_:--that’s what I call +going it. However, nobody’s alive that saw it, so we have it all upon +my lord’s word, and that’s not much of a go, I take it.” + +A sudden death-like silence ensued, interrupted only by a few hems from +Sir James Gunnersbury and Sir Henry Rockly, a look of dismay from Lord +Tom, and a simper of exultation from the young squire. The pause did +not last long; everybody appeared astonished, but nobody more than +Jack. The silence was at last broken. + +“I assure you, sir,” said Lord Dullingham, in the most solemn manner, +“the story is true--the doctor’s name was Flapps. He indeed is dead, +but there are others who saw it done, still living.” + +“Oh,” said Brag, still unenlightened, “I don’t know--but I _do_ know +a great many of Lord Penfeather’s friends who say ‘no go.’ If your +lordship saw it, why, in that case, it’s all right, and no mistake; but +from what they say of the chap himself who said he did it, why--” + +“I did it myself, sir!” said the earl, more energetically than he +usually said anything, drawing himself up into an erect position, +looking pitchforks and tenter-hooks at Brag, and taking a pinch of +snuff with all the dignity of the old school. + +“That _is_ Lord Penfeather,” said Lord Tom, wishing to bring the +affair to a speedy conclusion; “at least he was so, when he took the +extraordinary leap in question.” + +“Oh!” said Brag, turning as white as a sheet--“Ah!--yes, my lord--I--” + +At this most critical minute, when acted upon by various and very +different feelings, every gentleman present most anxiously expected +a _denouement_, the butler, an old and valued servant of Sir James, +made his appearance to announce coffee in the drawing-room, and being +privileged, by long service, to use a certain degree of familiarity +with his master, added, in an audible whisper to that exemplary +officer--“There’s a large brig come ashore at the back of the pier, +Sir James: it’s blowing terrible hard--and they are afraid she’ll be +totally lost.” + +“Brig ashore!” cried Brag, most unceremoniously availing himself of a +communication not made to him, and at the same moment jumping up--“I’m +off, Sir James; excuse me--I _may_ be of use:--swim like an otter. Swam +all the way from Oxford to London in nineteen hours without stopping. +Have saved nine lives already: got three medals from the Humane +Society: don’t value the surf of a sixpence. I’ll bet fifty to four I’m +on board that brig in ten minutes from leaving your house--back in less +than an hour. I know you’ll excuse me:--don’t you think I’m right--eh? +Humanity--philanthropy--and all that--straight up, right down, and no +mistake. Be with you again almost directly.” + +Saying which, and without waiting for an answer, away Jack bustled, +leaving his astonished companions in amazement; Lord Tom, however, not +a little annoyed that he should, in the end, have so far justified +young Gunnersbury’s _hauteur_ in the beginning. + +The earl bore the imputation of exaggerating his leap with perfect +good-humour, and explained to the rest of the party his own +astonishment at the occurrence; but Lord Tom, beaten by the event, +declined going up-stairs, upon the plea of endeavouring to prevent his +friend from rashly endangering his life; and when the other guests +repaired to the drawing-room, he hastened to the beach, where, truly +indeed, the sea was breaking over the ill-fated vessel, which kept +striking so awfully and so frequently, as to leave little hope of her +extrication. He could, however, learn no tidings of Brag. It was quite +true, however, that a venturous gentleman had been seen swimming with +a rope through the surf, and had succeeded in rescuing two ladies--but +he was gone; and so, after an hour’s fruitless search for his intrepid +friend, Lord Tom proceeded to “The Ship,” where he found that Mr. Brag, +after having read the day’s London paper, and drunk two glasses of hot +brandy and water, had gone to bed, and had been, at the time of his +lordship’s arrival, more than an hour snug in his “nest.” + + + + + CHAPTER III. + + +“Rather put your foot into it last night, Jack,” said Lord Tom to the +tiger when they met at breakfast. + +“R-ā-ther,” said Jack. “How the deuce should I know that that +greyheaded gig was the chap who took the flying-leap in the Vale of +Blackmore half a century ago?” + +“You got off deuced well,” said Lord Tom; “for although Dullingham is +too old to fight, there might have been a bother if it had not been for +the brig.” + +“Never saw a finer sight!” said Jack, “Told you I’d soon be aboard: the +minute I got down, saw two females waving white handkerchiefs--signals +of distress: off I went--caught hold of the rope--clung like a +cat--splash through the surf--up the side--seized hold of them, held +on by my teeth, and slipped along the hawser: put one girl under each +arm, for all the world like a fowl with the gizzard under one wing and +the liver under the other, and landed them in less than a quarter of an +hour, safe and sound, smack, smooth, and no mistake.” + +“Their gratitude, I suppose, was unbounded,” said Lord Tom, whose +doubts of his friend’s strict adherence to truth began hourly to +increase. + +“Gratitude!” said Jack--“they are females;--when did you ever hear of +an ungrateful female?” + +“Did you make yourself known to them?” said Lord Tom. + +“Not I,” said Jack--“leave that for to-day. I hate boasting and +puffing: if I had said who I was, the chances are, it would have been +stuck in the newspapers. I can’t stand notoriety: don’t mind it in my +own line--sporting, and all that sort of thing; but else, all quiet and +snug--mum’s the word, and no mistake.” + +“I admire your modesty,” said Lord Tom; “and your coming home here and +going quietly to bed, without saying a syllable of the matter to the +master of the house, or any of the waiters, shows your desire to be +unknown and unnoticed. Didn’t they see the condition in which you were +when you came back?” + +“Condition!” said Jack--“I was in no condition.” + +“Not wet?” said Lord Tom. + +“On the contrary,” said Jack, “I was uncommon dry. Sir Gunnersbury’s +port was what I call regular black-strap--Day and Martin--eh!--and no +mistake.” + +“Why didn’t you drink his claret?” said Lord Tom. + +“Red pickled-cabbage juice bottled,” said Jack:--“no--I had two glasses +of hot ‘with’ when I came home, and then turned in.” + +“But did you sit in your wet clothes?” said Lord Tom. + +“Wet clothes!” said Jack. “Oh!--wet clothes--eh!--oh! in getting aboard +the brig:--pshaw! my dear lord--nothing--a mere flea-bite--salt water +never gives cold--I blew myself dry, running home.” + +“Pleasant, gentlemanly man, young Gunnersbury,” said Lord Tom, +swallowing the explanation without any apparent effort. + +“I never sighted such a fellow in the whole course of my run,” said +Jack. “You saw how I treated him--cut him dead--never so much as looked +at him after the first glance: no--life’s too short to waste upon such +a scarecrow as that. Eliza’s not bad--has eyes, eh!--and knows how to +use them. Mother’s a droll woman.” + +“Droll!--a polyglot,” said Lord Tom. + +“Oh! her name was Glot?” said Jack:--“rather old to be called Polly +now. That Mrs. Carnaby looks lively, I take it. _She_ has eyes too, and +_she_ knows how to use them. Carnaby seems a steady, respectable sort +of man; I suppose, it wouldn’t be straight up and right down to disturb +his domestic happiness,--else, my lord----eh! I say nothing--only----I +know the sex, and no mistake.” + +“I know nothing of either of them,” said Lord Tom. “We must call on the +Gunnersburys, however, to-day.” + +“When we are sure they are out,” said Jack, who had scarcely uttered +the words before he astonished Lord Tom by thrusting his head out of +the window, and exclaiming--“By Job! it _is_, and no mistake!” + +“Who?--what?” cried his lordship, half frightened at the energetic +manner of his companion. + +“George Brown,” replied Jack: “if ever I saw George Brown in my life, +he has just this minute gone out of this house with another gentleman.” + +“And who is George Brown?” said Lord Tom; “and where’s the wonder?” + +“Wonder enough, my lord,” said Jack, “if you knew all: why, he is the +major you have heard me talk of so often.” + +“Oh!” said Lord Tom, “the brother of your deserted damsel?--hadn’t you +better brush up your pistols, and make your will.” + +“No, no,” said Jack, “not exactly that; but I’ll just ask the +question. I know I can’t be deceived in my man, although he looks older +and browner than he did when I saw him last.” Saying which, he rang the +bell. + +Of the waiter who obeyed the summons he made his inquiries, and found, +according to his anticipation, that it _was_ the identical George Brown +himself. In a moment Jack, who had always hitherto slurred over his +connexion with this said George in his communings with Lord Tom, being +convinced by the waiter’s account that he had by some means become rich +and prosperous, immediately altered his tone. + +“Mr. Brown and his lady are going off to-morrow for Calais,” said the +man. “They would have gone to-day, but they were too late to get their +carriages on board.” + +“Is Mrs. Brown here?” said Jack. + +“Yes, sir,” said the man; and being asked no more questions, retired. + +“That’s a lucky chance,” said Jack. “I’ll go to her this moment--find +out all, how, and about it: can’t make it out just yet.” + +“What! do you know the lady?” said Lord Tom. + +“Know her!” said Jack; “shouldn’t wonder: why, she’s my sister, that’s +all.” + +“Your sister!” said his lordship; “I never understood you that the +major was your brother-in-law. You always said that he was a distant +connexion.” + +“So he was,” said Jack, “when he was in India; he is nearer now. So up +I go, smack smooth, and no mistake. Come along, my lord, I’ll introduce +you to Kitty; it will be a regular surprise upon her; and when George +comes back he’ll stare like a stuck pig. I like a surprise.” + +“I’m your man,” said Lord Tom. “I shall enjoy the sight of your +meeting.” + +“Here, waiter,” said Jack; “which room is Mrs. Brown in?” + +“That room, sir,” said the waiter. “Do you wish to--” + +“No, no,” said Brag, in a half whisper; “don’t say anything--I’m +her brother. Want to astonish her; she don’t know I’m here: haven’t +seen her for years. Hush!--now, my lord--” At this period of his +conversation, the dexterous gentleman gently opened the door, and +stepping softly up to the lady, exclaimed in a voice sweet as the music +of the spheres--“Kitty!--I say, Kitty, my Kit!” + +The noise roused the lady, who was sitting with her back to the door, +reading: she turned round, started from her seat, and presented to +the eyes of the astonished Jack, and his much-mystified companion, a +beautiful countenance, in which an expression of alarm and surprise was +predominant, but which, as the reader has, no doubt, anticipated, was +not that of the _ci-devant_ Kitty Brag. + +The group were at what Sheridan, in “The Critic,” calls a “dead lock.” + +“Why, it isn’t Kitty!” said Jack. + +“I believe there is some mistake,” said Mrs. Brown, at the same moment +extending her hand towards the bell-rope. + +“Your name is Brown, ma’am, isn’t it?” said Jack. + +“It is,” said the lady. + +“Wife of George Brown, from India?” said Jack. + +“Yes, sir.” + +“Can’t make it out,” said Jack. + +“If you have any commands for Mr. Brown, sir,” said the lady, “he will +be here in a few minutes.” + +“You had better return _then_,” said Lord Tom, who saw that his expert +friend had somehow got into a new scrape, and that the lady was +extremely desirous of getting rid of his society. + +“It’s all right, by Job!” said Jack; “there’s some kink or caddle +somewhere, but in the main it’s all straight up, right down, and no +mistake,--for here’s Nancy, as nice as Nip.” + +These words were uttered, accompanied with a caper such as would not +have disgraced a dancing-master, and followed by a scream of horror +from Anne, who at that moment entered the room, and who, as Jack +advanced to take her hand, fell senseless into a chair. + +The changes which had taken place in Jack’s views and intentions +during a shorter period than the relation of this event requires, +were most particularly characteristic. That Brown was Brown, browner +than he was, Jack was convinced; that his wife was not Kitty at once +pointed out to him that his sister must be dead, and that George had +remarried: hence, like lightning, it darted into his mind that it must +have been through _her_ that he had acquired the means of living as +it too manifestly appeared he did; inasmuch as, besides the waiter’s +previous representation of the difficulty of “embarking the carriages,” +the sudden appearance of a valet, two lady’s maids, and a strapping +livery servant, jacketed, topped, and leathered for travelling, who +rushed into the apartment at the tintinnabulary summons of Mrs. +Brown, confirmed him in the opinion that his now readily acknowledged +brother-in-law had become wealthy, and consequently important, and was +therefore much to be cherished and toadied. + +These momentarily excited feelings were, as it were, electrically +driven into another channel the instant he beheld Anne Brown. There +she was,--she who had confessed her affection for him,--the sister of +the rich and prosperous George, now, in his own opinion, a suitable +match for him: and in less than a second more he had resolved that the +meek, the mild, the modest unoffending creature whom he had neglected, +slighted, and traduced for years, should still be his; and that they +would somehow, in the end, make a snug family circle, all right, and no +mistake. + +“What on earth does all this mean?” said a gentleman entering the room +in the midst of the confusion:--“what has happened?” + +By this time Anne had been led, or rather carried, from the +sitting-room by Mrs. Brown and her maid. For a moment the last-arrived +gentleman was absent, and the two intruders were left alone in the +apartment. + +“Missed your tip, somehow, Jack,” said Lord Tom. + +“All right in the end,” said Jack. “Don’t you remember our little +friend in Regent Street?--that’s Nancy.” + +“Oh!” said my lord, looking uncommonly wise. + +“Exactly so,” said Jack, looking particularly cunning. + +“Gentlemen,” said the stranger, re-entering the room, “I am yet to +learn the cause of your abrupt visit to these apartments.” + +“It’s all right,” said Jack--“all fair and above board. George +Brown married my sister--that’s the mistake. This lady is not +my sister--that’s clear as light. I never heard of poor Kitty’s +death!--but she’s gone, no doubt, and George will tell us all about it. +But George has a sister too: Nancy;--and if I flurried her at first +seeing me after so long a parting, I’m deuced sorry for that. However, +it’s all natural: and so I’ll call in by-and-by, when George comes +back. Sunshine after rain, and no mistake. This, sir, is my friend, +Lord Thomas Towzle--so that’s all right.” + +“I believe,” said the gentleman, “if you are the brother of the former +Mrs. Brown, I have heard your name mentioned as a very particular +friend of Mr. Brown’s sister.” + +“R-ā-ther so,” said Jack, “but circumstances occurred to keep us +apart. Never had but one feeling towards her--I believe it is what you +call reciprocal; and I am deuced sorry I took her so aback: however, +by-and-by, as I say----” + +“Sir,” said the gentleman, “what course Mr. Brown may choose to pursue +towards you I am at a loss to conjecture; but with respect to his +sister, it becomes _my_ duty to act for myself--I am her husband, sir: +although I assumed that character only three days since, it is my +province to protect her from insult and alarm. Permit me to say, sir, +that your absence is what we all most particularly desire: indeed, +that we should have been favoured by your presence did not enter into +our calculations, although we were accidentally made aware of your +residence in this house shortly after our arrival.” + +“Married to _my_ Nancy!” said Jack; “oh, that _is_ a go!” + +“Yes, sir,” said Dr. Mead, for it was he who spoke; “and not married +to her, until, in the candour and ingenuousness of her heart and +mind, she had informed me of all the circumstances of your early +acquaintance;--nay, more, sir, of the preference for you which she +at that time acknowledged. If you will take the trouble to cast a +retrospective glance over your conduct during a period when you might +have properly evinced the sincerity of your professions--and the total +neglect of a being whom you fancied your victim, you will perhaps +perceive through the gloom a glimmering of light sufficient to show you +the indelicacy and impropriety of your remaining one minute longer in +this room.” + +“What! did she tell you _all_?” said Jack, quite at sea, and scarcely +knowing what he said. + +“All, sir,” said the doctor; “but perhaps not _quite_ all that you have +permitted your licentious tongue to utter.” + +“I--sir--I?” said Jack. + +“Come,” said Lord Tom, “you had better come away.” + +“But my sister--” said Jack. + +“Delicacy, sir,” said Dr. Mead, “seals my lips with regard to that +unfortunate person. She is in her grave, to which she was borne, +unfollowed by an injured, outraged husband. It is fit you should know +this; and it is fortunate that the duty of telling you the bitter truth +devolves rather upon _me_ than on my brother-in-law himself.” + +“By Job!” said Jack, scratching his head. + +“Indeed, I would venture to suggest your retiring,” said the doctor, +“before his return from his walk. His affection for his mother and +sister is ardent and strong; and if he found you here, something +perhaps might occur which, for all our sakes, had better be avoided.” + +“Oh,” said Jack, “in course I’ll not stop a minute--no:--as you say, +there’s no use in that kind of thing. It is all very surprising, and +particularly unpleasant: but you, sir, are a gentleman, and act as +such; not that I have the pleasure of knowing your name, but----” + +“My name is Mead,” said the doctor; “and I feel the greatest +satisfaction in announcing it to you, in order that you may be good +enough for the future to avoid any communication with the humble +individual who bears it. I wish you a very good morning, sir!” + +“Good morning, sir!” said Jack. “I certainly should have liked to shake +hands with Anne.” + +“I assure you, sir, she is not well enough to risk any further +interview,” said the doctor. + +“Well then, in course there’s an end,” said Jack. “Come, my lord--we’ll +go. Good morning, sir!” + +Saying which, infallible Jack crawled out of the room, followed by Lord +Tom, who made a slight bow to the doctor. + +“Hadn’t we better go down the back-stairs,” said Jack; “it’s no use +running the risk of meeting that fellow, Brown: one can’t fight a +serjeant.” + +“Fight whom?” said Lord Tom. + +“Why,” said Jack, “he never was anything but a serjeant.” + +“What!--learned in the law?” said his lordship. + +“Club law, if any,” said Jack. “No--a serjeant in a marching regiment.” + +“Why, I thought you told me he was a major in the army!” said Lord Tom. + +“So he was--serjeant-major,” said Jack, who, the moment he found +himself despised and kicked out of his brother-in-law’s society, +suddenly changed his ground, and tried to run down the man and his +connexions whom, ten minutes before, he was ready to eulogize to the +skies. + +“I should like very much to belong to his corps,” said Lord Tom: “it +must be deuced good pay for a serjeant to enable him to do what _he_ +does in the way of living. But--Jack--what do you mean to do next? Do +you mean to take any notice of what that Mr. Mead, or whatever his name +is, said?--it was not over-courteous, you know.” + +“No,” said Jack, “but then I make allowances. I certainly did tantalize +his poor little wife. I _am_ a sad dog in that way. ’Pon my life! it is +more my misfortune than my fault.” + +“Yes,” said Lord Tom; “but then--somehow----however, it all depends +upon feeling--only he decidedly turned you out of the room.” + +“Well, you know, my lord,” said Jack, “he had a right to do that, +because they pay for separate apartments, and in course I had no +business there. If it had been really my sister, instead of another +wife, you would have seen how I should have acted: but, you see, she’s +gone;--and--eh!” + +“Yes,” said Lord Tom, “the gentleman was good enough to mention that +fact.” + +“I didn’t like to ask further particulars,” said Jack; “but it seems +deuced strange that one shouldn’t have heard of her death.” + +“Perhaps your mother has heard of it,” said Lord Tom; “only I suspect +you are not a very constant correspondent of that worthy lady’s.” + +“Maybe she has,” said Jack, evidently thinking as much as he could. + +“Do you mean to stay here?” said Lord Tom. “I intended to have crossed +to-morrow; but I suppose it wouldn’t be agreeable for you to go afloat +with your newly-recovered connexions.” + +“Not exactly,” said Jack. “Oh, in course, I shall stay here till you +go: but I couldn’t well have gone to-morrow anyhow, because I have +engaged myself to pass one day, before we went over, with a friend at +Walmer.” + +“What! at the Castle?” said Lord Tom, making a face, invisible to Jack, +whose real character began to develope itself rapidly. + +“No, no,” said Jack archly, “nothing of that sort: all +snug--fellow-passenger in the ‘Union’--promises not to be +broken:--mum!--that’s all right, and no mistake. I shall go over +directly, and stay till to-morrow after--” + +“--After ‘The Ferret’ starts for Calais,” said Lord Tom. “You are +right--peaceably disposed, and averse from collision. I’ll wait for +you; only keep yourself all right for the Champ de Mars.” + +“Deuced odd name for a race-course, isn’t it?” said Jack. + +“‘What’s in a name?’” said Lord Tom. + +“Not much,” said Jack. “One would never fancy that pleasant gentleman +up-stairs to be called Mead, from the sour way in which he talks.” + +“Oh, hang him!” said Lord Tom, who, foreseeing that if there was +anything like a fight, he must inevitably be Jack’s friend upon the +occasion, lent himself entirely to his views of the subject, and +acceded completely to his notion of terminating the affair peaceably. +“I should have nothing to do with any of them; it is all what I call +a tangle, and would take a deuced sight of trouble to unravel it: so +start for Walmer, and I’ll wait your return.” + +It is impossible to describe the delight which Brag felt at this +acquiescence on the part of his lordship in all his propositions; nor +was it long before he put his scheme in execution: and two o’clock +found him strolling about upon the beach at Deal, having secured a +bed-room at one of the worst inns in the place, the whole history of +his promise and assignation with his “Fanny of Timmol” being, as the +reader will naturally believe, a bright fiction of his own particular +school. + +It is scarcely necessary now to mention, that in the case of Dr. and +Mrs. Mead “the course of true love _did_ run smooth,” since the doctor +himself announced his marriage with Anne to Jack Brag; nor is it more +necessary to eulogize the candour and single-mindedness on her part, +to which he also referred, and which determined her to relate to her +intended husband every circumstance connected with her intimacy with +her early lover. They were united at St. George’s, Hanover Square;--not +because it is _the_ church for matrimony _par excellence_, but because +it happened to be the church of the parish in which Mead’s house was +located. They had started from town three days before, and were joined +at Sittingbourne by the Browns, who, reducing the prescribed “treacle +period,” proposed, as we have already seen, accompanying them to Paris. + +The evil star of Jack, however, was just now in the ascendant. It is +true that his skilful and timely retreat to Walmer saved him from any +inconvenience likely to arise from a meeting with Mr. George Brown; +but it occasioned another calamity, which to him, even with all his +prudence, was worse than the chance of being wounded in a rencounter +with his injured brother-in-law:--but of this no more at present. + +When Jack had finished his solitary dinner, and sipped his glass of +grog--for in the house he had selected for his abode wine was wholly +out of the question, he fell into a lengthened reflection upon his +family affairs: he felt anxious to ascertain the real history of his +sister’s defection and fall, and to discover how the long-despised +George had attained to wealth and importance such as he evidently +possessed. The fortunate marriage of the neglected Anne equally puzzled +him, and he resolved to while away the dull evening by writing his +mother a letter, in which, giving a modified account of his discovery +of the Browns, he might, as delicately as he could, ascertain the +extent of his mother’s knowledge touching Kitty. Of course, he could +get no answer until he was in Paris, his desire of going to which place +was by no means increased by the fact that the Meads and Browns were +going thither also. It was, however, impossible to disappoint Lord Tom, +who so entirely reckoned upon his riding, and he therefore consoled +himself with the reflection that Paris was a large city, and that they +should not stay there long; and that it was by no means impossible that +he might not fall in with any of his connexions during his stay. + +Then there came into his head a sort of question whether he ought to +assume mourning for his departed relative; but, after a discussion with +himself, he decided, that as she must have been dead for a considerable +time, it would be ridiculous to begin to weep then; besides which, his +appearance in a “suit of sables” would naturally lead to questions +which it would be neither agreeable nor convenient for him to answer. +He accordingly resolved upon saying nothing upon the subject, but upon +writing, to hear the extent of the evil, from his respectable parent. + +While all this was going on, a storm was brewing at Dover calculated +to swamp the pretender upon his return and which was a splendid +illustration of the saying, that “misfortunes never come alone.” The +reader will recollect the infelicitous _tête-à-tête_ which Jack +enjoyed at the sign of “The Duke of Marlborough” with the Earl of +Ilfracombe: the sociable mutton-chop; the social glass of punch; with +the pleasing episodes of Mr. Figg’s horses, and the red-elbowed Rachel. + +The reader will also recollect that the said Earl of Ilfracombe, the +denounced “Kill-joy,” was uncle to Lord Tom Towzle, his sister being +Duchess of Ditchwater. It was quite clear that the event, and the +statements of Jack of his great intimacy with Lord Tom, must form the +special subject of conversation between the uncle and nephew whenever +they met. It so happened that they had not met since this curious +_rencontre_ at “The Duke of Marlborough.” Lord Ilfracombe, his wife +and family, had gone to Brussels three or four days after that event; +and, as if Old Nick had really set his cloven foot in it, actually +arrived from the Continent on the morning following Jack’s departure to +Walmer, and before his return thence; a calamity--for such it proved to +him--which would not have occurred, if he had not induced Lord Tom to +postpone his passage until the next day, to suit his convenience and +security as regarded other matters. + +One of the principal morning recreations of Dover is the inspection +of the passengers who land in the bay behind the pier, after the +rolling and pitching which are so peculiarly the attributes of a voyage +across the Channel from Calais: women pale and wan, (with their long +ringlets all uncurled and limp, hanging adown their cheeks, enveloped +in plaid cloaks,) brown cloaks, green cloaks, and sometimes soaked in +fine silks and ermines, which their love of appearance has induced +them to retain.--Men, with caps, and straps, and jerkins, and pea +jackets, and Welsh wigs in every variety of deformity, scarce able +to endure the tiresome assiduities of the “commissioners” from the +different inns; some laden with leather hat-boxes, others with bags +of sundry descriptions, and all looking sad, wan, and miserable. All +these objects excite an interest, and often afford amusement; and, of +course, when people can be amused and interested at so cheap a rate, +the _spectacle_ is always well attended. + +To the scene of action strolled Lord Tom, after having witnessed the +early departure of “The Ferret,” with all Jack’s tormentors; and as +each boat-load left the newly arrived steamer, his eye vainly roamed +in search of somebody he knew. At length, however, his surprise and +gratification were simultaneously excited by the appearance of Lord +and Lady Ilfracombe, Lord and Lady Dawlish, and Lady Fanny Smartly, +his lordship’s cousin. The recognition and meeting were exceedingly +agreeable, for Lord Tom, who was always on his best behaviour in the +society of his maternal uncle, was a considerable favourite with his +aunt and cousin. One of the most striking proofs of his desire to +stand well with this branch of his family was the fact, that he had +never thought proper to present or introduce his tiger Brag to any +member of it; and although Jack, to whose ear their names and probably +attributes, had grown familiar by hearing a great deal of them from +Lord Tom, his practical and personal knowledge of them was--_nil_. + +Lady Fanny was the first to recognise her cousin; and in a moment +afterwards, pale, sick, and sad as Lady Ilfracombe and Lady Dawlish +were, they “rallied all life’s energies” to wave their hands in token +of kind acknowledgment, looking more like a party under the care of +Charon than of the jolly mortal boatmen, who cared no more for the +wabbling of the waters than a fine lady does for an undisturbed rumble +over a macadamized road. + +They had intended to proceed direct to town, but the fatigue of the +ladies, joined to the opportunity of passing a pleasant day with Lord +Tom, induced them to change their design. The greetings and welcomings +of the party were really true and genuine, for never was there a +happier family, nor one whose whole delight centred more completely +in the domestic pleasures of home. Lord Tom escorted Lady Ilfracombe +and Lady Fanny; Lord Ilfracombe and his son were the supporters of +Lady Dawlish; and so they ground their way, instep-deep, over the +shingles--a walk said by experienced persons to be infinitely more +tremendous than the tread-mill for an equal space of time,--until +they reached the wonted “Ship,” and whither Lord Tom insisted upon +their going, in opposition to Lord Ilfracombe, who, being the +“sickest” of the party, was all for its rival, because it was nearer +the landing-place, and because the landlord was most civil and +obliging,--all of which character he deserves. But Lord Tom was to have +his way, and so the party were as speedily as possible deposited at +“The Ship,” which, with all its splendour and all its gaiety, does not +half so much cheer our hearts as it did when it was an humbler-looking +house, full of comforts afforded in a different style--an attempt at +splendour which never can reach the scale to which it pretends, is +always a mistake. Take “The Fountains” at Canterbury as an example of +perfect snugness without pretension. Recollect that a late noble earl, +and prime minister, in his journeys to Walmer, always stopped to dine +and sleep at “The Rose” at Sittingbourne, because it was excellent in +its way, and perfectly different from the ordinary routine of his life; +and recollect that in all its appointments and accessories, innkeepers +who deal in tinsel and tawdry, in the hope of making their houses +something like what their noble customers are used to, fail entirely: +neat and clean are the qualities of an inn--grand and great, must be +ridiculous. + +Into “The Ship” scarcely had the Ilfracombe party been ushered, before +breakfast was prepared for the voyagers, who, after the refreshments +of the dressing-room, recovered themselves entirely, and proceeded to +make up for any loss of appetite which they might have sustained on +the water. Never did aristocratic party more revel in the _dejeuner à +la fourchette_ put down before them than these; and Lord Tom, who had +already done breakfast the first, particularly well delighted at the +opportunity afforded for the reunion, managed breakfast the second with +infinite glee. + +They were a family of love--Lord Tom avowedly the _roué_,--but still +never betraying any of those symptoms which were likely either to +excite the anxiety or displeasure of those members now present. They +laughed, and talked; Lord Ilfracombe related many anecdotes of the +_liberality_ of the King of the Belgians--and some extraordinary traits +of the _liberalism_ of the King of the French;--discussed, in _his_ +way, the anomalous position of a monarch raised to a throne not his own +by the clamour of a people, whose liberties he was subsequently obliged +to restrain with greater rigour than had ever been attempted even in +the time of their idol and tyrant Buonaparte; and the curious fact of +his denunciation even unto the death, of the contrivers of barricades, +by which barricades alone he had himself obtained the crown. + +From these, and similar general subjects, his lordship glanced to the +more domestic topics of Dover; and Lord Tom explained precisely his +position there--his connexion with a gentleman whom they would see at +dinner, Mr. Brag, and who was to be his lordship’s companion to Paris +for the purpose of riding his race. + +“Why, then, you really _do_ know Mr. Brag!” said Lord Ilfracombe. + +“I do,” said Lord Tom;--“but do _you_?” + +The train was fired;--the fatal evil had occurred. Then it was that +Lord Ilfracombe first had the opportunity of relating all that the +reader already knows, about their meeting, &c.;--then it was that Lord +Tom first became “wide awake” to the character of the tiger he had +so long patronized:--and then it was he was resolved to give him a +reception upon his return, + + “More honoured in the breach than the observance,” + +and kick him soundly for the insolent falsehoods he had dared to utter +even to the face of their object. One thing alone interfered to prevent +this obvious manifestation of his contempt--and that was, the debt, +which he could not but acknowledge, but which, alas! he could not pay. + +Lord Ilfracombe, instead of being the “Kill-joy” described by Brag, +was a remarkably agreeable person, and, more than most people, ready +to enter into a joke. Before Brag’s arrival, he entreated Lord Tom, +instead of taking the matter up seriously, to punish the pretender by +allowing him to join the party as usual, to permit him gradually to +become acquainted with the ladies, whom he might not remember, and +conclude the evening by making a matter of jest of that which could +produce no satisfactory result if treated in any grave manner. + +“At the same time, Tom,” said the earl, “I honestly confess, for your +own sake,--let him down as you may--the easier the better,--I _do_ +think you ought to get rid of him,--if after the Paris races, well and +good: but you have no idea how ready the world is to attribute motives. +This little man is of use to _you_, because he _is_ little, and rides +light; but--_le jeu ne vaut pas la chandelle_. Pay a jockey, and let +him ride--but do not make him an associate; do not give him the power +of gossiping about your relations, as this little man did to me. You +cannot pay _him_, and therefore he must, if he ride, take it out ‘in +kind,’ as the clergy have it.” + +Lord Tom agreed with every word said by his noble uncle, even to the +assertion that he could not pay Jack. This was the crisis fatal to Brag. + +“My dear uncle,” said Lord Tom, “will you forgive what I am going to +tell you?” + +“Anything, Tom,” said his lordship. “I am not hard-hearted.” + +“I admit to you,” said Lord Tom, “that recent events have opened my +eyes to the character of this man. Last night he exposed himself in a +house to which I had the credit of taking him. I have got a letter from +town this morning, which gives me the whole account of his incalculable +insolence in making offers to two ladies, sisters, who, both in joke, +accepted him.” + +“Mrs. Dallington and Miss Englefield,” said Lord Ilfracombe, “I +presume.” + +“My dear uncle, how in the name of wonder, do you know anything about +it?” said Lord Tom. + +“Your exemplary friend himself,” replied the earl, “told me the +whole story of their devotion to him, with their names and places of +residence, at the very moment in which he was spanning the by no means +taper waist of the barmaid of the alehouse.” + +“You don’t mean _that_!” said Lord Tom. + +“How else could I possibly have known it?” said the earl. “Rely upon +it, he is to be discarded.” + +“Well then,” said Lord Tom, “I must come to the fact:--I owe the +fellow four hundred pounds. The law of primogeniture, my dear uncle, +makes us, Lord Toms, Lord Johns, and Lord Bobs, anything but rich; +and we _are_ consequently run sometimes to do things of which, upon +sober reflection, we are seriously ashamed:--now there’s the truth--he +volunteered upon all occasions, and I, like a fool, accepted his +proffered accommodation.” + +“The city men say,” said Lord Ilfracombe, “‘accept anything, except a +bill:’ however, Tom, I have been young myself. I will get you out of +the difficulty. Mr. Brag may ride your horses; but although you may be +saddled by others, he shall not ride _you_. You shall have the money; +you shall Fectorize him this very day. But I’ll have no quarrelling--I +will have it all my own way. I dined with him at the small inn--he +shall dine with us at a large one; and if I have not my revenge out +of him, I shall be astonished. If he had denounced me as a seducer, +a murderer, or even a Whig, I could have borne it all; but when he +called me to my face a “Kill-joy,” and a “wet blanket,” it was too bad. +Let him come; let us have him to dine, and I will instruct the other +members of our little family community to play their parts. But not one +word of those whom he is to meet, till we have him in our meshes.” + +“My dear uncle, you are too good to me,” said Lord Tom. + +“Not a bit of it,” said the earl. “There are a set of underbred fellows +in the world, who swagger and strut about, because by some accident, +sometimes as little honourable or decent to themselves as may be, they +have got hold of money, which they as little deserve as they had any +right to expect--who fancy, because, from their very insignificance, +they have shuffled, screwed, or pushed themselves into society to which +they ought not to belong, they are to mount upon their money-bags into +yet higher places; and who, exactly in proportion to their natural +meanness and original insignificance, perk up their noses and toss +their heads, to give them a consequence, which makes them insufferably +odious to the people with whom they really _do_ live, and incalculably +ridiculous to those with whom they never can live, let them try as +much as they may. This man Brag is one of that class, and it will be +a very slight punishment for his immeasurable insolence to get rid +of him after our own fashion. So, come along; we’ll to Fector’s: you +shall have the money, and we will eject your familiar in the civilest +and most amiable imaginable manner: _that_ part of the affair you will +leave to _me_; the discharge of the debt remains with _you_.” + +The letter which Lord Tom had received from Rushton himself, describing +the outrageous conduct of Jack, and its merited results, went so far to +convince him that Brag was neither more nor less than a disgrace, that +his first impulse, on his return to Dover, would no doubt have been to +put him on his defence, as far as that affair went; but clogged as he +had hitherto been with the debt, it would have ended in a laugh-off or +a qualification; and however much convinced he might have been of the +unworthiness, not to call it insanity, of his conduct, they would have +continued their route to Paris, and their subsequent connexion. Now, +armed with the means of vindicating his character by the abandonment of +such an associate, Lord Tom felt himself doubly braced by the breeze, +as he and his uncle left the door of the bank, his lordship having the +amount of his debt to Jack safely lodged in the sinister pocket of his +lordship’s trowsers. + +The events of the day remain to be told. + + + + + CHAPTER IV. + + +Little did Brag suspect that a pit so deep as that, which Lord +Ilfracombe proposed, was digging for him during his forced absence +from his noble friend Lord Tom; still less indeed, did he anticipate +the arrival of that noble Earl, which, full as he naturally must be of +the history of the dreadful luncheon, if he had imagined it possible, +would have satisfied him that the last explosion was at hand. The truth +is, that being ignorant of any such facts, and innocent of any such +anticipation, Jack’s thoughts were fully occupied in reflections upon +the still unexplained fate of his sister Kitty, the worldly advancement +of George Brown, and the evidently advantageous marriage of Anne. + +In the confusion of his ideas as to the causes of this advancement, and +these advantages, and a sort of a compunctious visiting in the shape +of a recollection of the manner in which he had treated and talked of +the woman whom he once fancied he loved, who certainly had loved him, +and whom he now as certainly had lost, Jack passed no pleasant time. +The weather was stormy, and although it might have + + ----suited the present temper of his mind, + +it was by no means so agreeable in its congeniality as “the rocking of +the battlements” was to the sable hero of Dr. Young. + +Time, however, as we all know, will go--although as Shakspeare says, he +hath many different paces,--still he keeps going, and after Jack had +finished his two glasses of grog, and folded and sealed his letter to +his mother, (which he proposed slipping into the post himself the next +morning in order that nobody in the inn might see the direction), he +rang the bell in order that he might-- + + To keep his spirits up + By pouring spirits down-- + +desire the waiter to bring him some more hot brandy and water. + +No waiter came to answer the summons; the lout who had previously +attended him having gone to the stable; but, instead of that attendant +there appeared before him a sylph-like creature, who seemed to have +descended from some other sphere to do his bidding--the very Hebe of +waiting-maids--a girl as fair, and as modest in her deportment as if +she had just stepped from the threshold of a nunnery. “Acasto’s dear +remains” could not have been more interesting--her face lovely, her +flaxen locks inartificially falling about her ears--her innocent blue +eyes cast down upon the floor, and her cheeks suffused with blushes +such as tint the opening rose of future whiteness. + +Jack was at once confounded, delighted, frightened and amazed: his +first impression was, that it was a mistake--that the plainly yet +gracefully dressed creature he saw before him was, like himself, a +visiter at the inn, and that she had either in mistake, or because she +had seen him in the course of the day, entered his room. Don Quixote +himself was not more prone to the exaltation of his “loves” than Jack: +he gazed, he doubted--rubbed up his hair--pulled up his collar, and was +going to try to say something, when Fanny Martin, (such was her name,) +saved him the trouble by asking him if _he_ rang? + +“I ring!” said Jack, “yes,--yes. I rang--that is--eh!--I beg your +pardon--do you?--eh!”-- + +“What did you please to want, sir?” said Fanny. + +“I rang for the waiter,” said Jack. + +“Tom only stops in the house till eight, sir,” said Fanny; “I can get +you what you want.” + +“Umph,” said Jack, “that’s--eh!--well--I’m sorry to give you the +trouble,--a glass of hot brandy and water--if you please.” + +Fanny curtesied, retired, and shut the door. + +Jack’s head was gone--turned, twisted,--what could it mean?--never +was such a pretty creature,--what was she--bar-maid, house-maid, +chamber-maid--what? It was a bright vision,--it was something to +love;--for, upon Moore’s principle, (and Jack had done more in the way +of advances, however ill the combats eventually turned out, by the +aid of a smattering familiarity with the mischievous beauties of that +bewitching poet than anything else) + + “’Twere a shame when flowers around us rise + To make light of the rest, if the rose be not there; + And the world’s so rich in resplendent eyes + ’Twere a pity to limit one’s love to a pair. + + “Love’s wing and the Peacock’s are nearly alike, + They are both of them bright, but they’re changeable too; + And wherever a new beam of beauty can strike, + It will tincture love’s plume with a different hue. + + “Then, oh! what pleasure, wherever we rove, + To be doom’d to find something that still is dear; + And to know, when far from the lips we love, + We have but to make love to the lips that are near.” + +This is a faith almost as convenient and elastic as that of Popery, +although vulgarised down by Jack to the practical siege of a +chambermaid at Deal, some degrees superior, however, to the red-elbowed +Rachel of the Duke’s Head, who, as we have already seen, did most +unequivocally reject his “delicate attentions.” + +And there was besides a history, of which Fanny Martin was the +heroine,--a history that everybody in Deal knew, and which made +everybody who knew her modest demeanour and excellent character very +solicitous for her welfare. But she shall speak for herself--poor girl! +she is but humble. Let us hope--we say no more--that the gaiety and +sprightliness of our hero may have no ill effect upon her peace of +mind, or the excellence of her character. + +Jack, when she left the room, was, as we have seen, what he +called “toppled over.”--“Why, bless my soul!” he mentally +ejaculated,--that is, said to himself,--“Nancy Brown never was +like _that_--Blanche--psha!”--(be it remembered that the ale and +grog in which he had solitarily indulged, mixed with his grief and +anxieties, had dreadfully fermented.) “Miss Englefield--what’s a +Miss!--what indeed--she’s amiss--Mrs. Dallington--two fools--eh!--made +me a laughing-stock. What’s the sincerity of that--young +Gunnersbury--beast!--hate him--deuce take that old lord with the +snuff-box yesterday--The brig--psha! Lovely creature this--must have a +talk with _her_--eyes--hair--eh! I hope Brown is gone--ah--foolish--how +could he have got that money? Poor Anne--eh--did like her +once--Walworth--mud--fog--squash--nonsense, couldn’t--Old mother +mad--deuce take Waterloo Bridge--hate Lord Tom--wish he’d pay me my +money--don’t like going to Paris--meet Nancy. Hope the farmer has given +up his action about the trespass at the steeple chase--eh,--never left +direction for the attorney. Hang that old Ilfracombe--Tom’s uncle--made +a fool of myself there--beast Figgs and the horses. Want money to carry +on the war. What happened to Kitty--all wrong, I suppose. What a noise +the wind makes!--bore being at sea. She’s a long time coming--think she +was hit--saw her look--innocent--eh! Well--ah--that’s all right and no +mistake. Three Mackerels--comb and night-cap;--deuce of a bore--dirty +monster--eh!--wonder who the people were standing all about--Tom never +said a word. Mrs. Carnaby--eh!--don’t know--pretty woman--poor Carnaby! +Well--I wonder if they go to Paris! Old fool, Lady Gunnersbury! Wonder +if Lydiard will be married soon. Wretched wet night--good-natured +slavey to offer the cab. Oh!--they may all go to Nycko. Where is this +fair--eh!--creature. Oh--” + +This half-whispered, half-thought soliloquy was scarcely ended, when +Fanny re-appeared with the glass of hot brandy and water: this she +deposited upon the table, and was about to retire. + +“I say,” said Jack, “stop a minute,--just shut the door.” + +“I can’t stop, sir,” said Fanny. + +“I only want just to say three words to you,” said Jack. + +“Well, sir,” said Fanny, “I can hear them as well with the door open, +as shut.” + +“Yes, so can anybody else,” said Jack. + +“I’m sure, sir,” said the girl, looking all modesty, “you would not +want to say anything to _me_ that everybody in the house mightn’t hear.” + +“No,” said Jack, “only the draft of air from the door, you know, is +likely to give one cold. I really want just to ask you--a question or +two.” + +“Oh, sir,” said Fanny, “I’ll shut to the door, if you wish it, only I +can’t stop a minute.” + +“Tell me,” said Jack, essaying to take her hand, which she gently +withdrew, “what the deuce does it mean?” + +“What, sir?” said Fanny. + +“Why, don’t you twig?” said Jack. “What the deuce brings such a sweet, +lovely creature as you, into such a place as this?” + +“My good fortune, sir,” said Fanny. + +“Your good fortune,” said Jack, “I should think that you might better +your fortune if you chose.” + +“No, sir,” said Fanny; “my father was a native of this place, and so +was my mother: he was lost at sea, and my mother is dead. I was an +orphan, one of four, and my mistress has been a mother to me ever +since: I am quite happy where I am, and very grateful for her kindness.” + +“You are a regular angel,” said Jack. “I meant to have gone away +to-morrow; but now I have seen you I’m not sure I shall ever go +away--at least without you.” + +“The longer you stay the better, sir,” said Fanny with a smile, which +had scarcely left her pretty countenance, before she quitted the room +and shut the door. + +That smile convinced him that his never-failing qualities of person and +conversation had triumphed, and that the fair orphan was all at once, +heart and soul devoted to him; and it was at this moment he began to +repent his positive engagement to Lord Tom for the next day, to which, +as his ruminations have already informed us, he began to grow somewhat +disinclined upon other considerations. + +A nervous anxiety to see and have the opportunity of again speaking +to the really beautiful girl, induced Jack to ring his bell very soon +after he had finished his brandy and water, and desire to be shown +to his bed-room;--it was then about half past ten o’clock. The sylph +came--gave him his candle--attended him to his chamber, and there +underwent a certain degree of vulgar persecution in the way of very +marked attentions, from which she contrived to escape, not--as a +faithful historian, I am bound to say--without the undesired gain of +one single kiss from Jack, which was so hastily given and so seriously +repulsed, that it remains doubtful whether it fell upon the cheek which +the attempt had brightened into a beautiful blush, or upon a depending +curl which hung clustering inartificially over it. Probably Crispissa + + ----tended her favourite lock, + +and the presence of Ariel was scarcely needed, since Fanny felt no +“shock.” + +Jack, however, did not see the door close or hear the retreating +footsteps of the delicate hand-maiden, without, as usual, satisfying +himself that he had settled _that_ point, and that if it were not for +the provoking necessity of going to Dover in the morning, he should, in +a very short time, be the favoured of all the admirers which so sweet a +“creechur” must necessarily possess. + +Full of these new thoughts, which, as his small mind had not room +for many, naturally expelled all the other previous occupants, Jack +“turned in,” as the sailors say, and tossed and tumbled about, not much +soothed or composed by the various noises incidental to a minor inn at +Deal during a blowing night. The impending morrow now was viewed by +him with double dismay, since he had discovered a new attractive power +where he was; and as for the meekness or modesty of anybody in _that_ +station, _that_ was all a regular mistake. + +Jack had been deposited horizontally for about an hour, with something +like an expectation of an accidental “look in” of Fanny to see after +his candle, or upon some other little errand to which she might have +been excited by his never-failing attractions, when, just as he was +dropping off into a slumber, the result of exhaustion of thought, Jack, +to his infinite delight, but not surprise, heard a gentle delicate +noise at his chamber door, not very much unlike + + “The woodpecker tapping the hollow beech tree.” + +The sound roused him in a moment: he sat up in bed--saw the glimmering +of a light through the key-hole, and in one of those half impeded +whispers, in which gentlemen under such circumstances sometimes express +themselves, said “Who’s there?” + +“Me, sir,” was the response uttered in the sweet voice of the gentle +Fanny. + +“Come in,” said Jack, still more effectually subduing his voice, “come +in.” + +The pretty rustic obeyed the call, and stood before him with a light in +her hand, more lovely to _his_ eyes than ever. + +“You are a dear soul,” said Jack, ten thousand ideas rushing at once +into his imagination, which as I have just said was not calculated +to hold more than one at a time,--“you are come, are you--what is +it?--eh!--” + +“Why, sir,” said Fanny blushing, and looking modestly down at the +candle she carried, “I’m sure I beg pardon, sir,--but--could you spare +half your bed to-night?” + +“Spare!” said Jack, sitting bolt upright, conscious that he had not +overrated the power of his fascination,--“do you doubt it?--spare!--to +be sure--to be sure--all right and no mistake.” + +“That’s all right indeed, sir,” said Fanny, “because, sir, here is Mr. +Van Slush Harridick, a North-Sea trader, just arrived, wet to the skin, +who hasn’t been in bed for three weeks, sir, and we should have had no +other place whatever to put him in to-night, if you had not been so +good as to say ‘yes.’” + +“Mr. Van what?” said Jack, in an agony. + +“Van Slush Harridick,” was replied in the hoarse gruff voice of a man +six feet four in height, and four feet six in circumference, dressed in +a well-saturated pea jacket and dreadnought trowsers, who followed the +girl into the room the moment the permission was granted;--“And I dank +you var moch, zir, vor de commodation: I zleeps zound, and znores not.” + +“What does all this mean?” said Jack,--“I don’t understand.” + +“Bot I too,” said Van Slush Harridick;--“Vanny ask for half de +ped,--you zay yez--wot vor now you zay no. I aff not zlept dry vor dese +dree veeks von vay and doder, and I zshall drop to my znoozle like a +dop.” + +“Like a what, sir?” said Jack. + +“A dop,” said the giant.--“Zo, Vanny, get up my bipe, and my pag, and +my pacco, and my prandy and vaterz, for bleaze de bigs I mill haf a +buff and a zwig pefore I durns in.” + +“Do _you_ mean to say, sir,” said Jack, “that you propose to share my +bed?” + +“Doo be zure I too,” said Harridick, “Vanny asked you; if no?--if +yez?--you zaid yez--zo here gose.” + +Saying which Harridick began to disencumber himself of some part of his +drapery, Fanny having previously obeyed his orders about his pipe, and +his bag, and his brandy and water. Brag sat up and reconnoitred the +giant, who was shaking his jacket and preparing to make “snug for the +night.” Having scanned the size and power of his companion, his next +step was out of his comfortable nest. + +“Dat’s right,” said Harridick; “go if you like, and leaf it all do +me,--I’m not do be drifled mid.” + +Finding remonstrance hopeless and resistance impossible, Jack huddled +on his clothes in the corner, and when Fanny returned with the +North-Sea trader’s little comforts, he was prepared to announce to her +his determination of giving up the whole of the accommodation to the +newly arrived guest, and passing the night upon the short horse-hair +sofa which stood in his sitting-room--an announcement which, in order +to convince both the maid and the trader that he was not terrified into +a removal, he made to the former in the civilest possible manner. + +“I’m zorry do durn you out, my vrend,” said Harridick; “you are bot a +liddle vellow, and dere voud haf been blenty of room for poth of os.” + +“You are extremely welcome,” said Jack; “in course if you have not been +in bed for three weeks, it must be of much greater consequence to _you_ +than _me_;--so--Fanny dear, give me a light, and I’ll make myself as +snug as I can down stairs.” + +“Coot night, coot night, my liddle vrend,” said Harridick; “I’ll too as +moch vor you menever you are apoard mein prig in de Nord Zea.” + +“I wish with all my heart and soul you were there now,” said Jack to +himself. “Good night, sir,--come, light me down, Fanny.” + +Accordingly Fanny did as she was bid, and Jack found himself again +deposited in his sitting-room. Here he enquired whether he could have +a cloak or two, a blanket, or a covering of some kind, to protect +him from the chilliness of the night; and his request was answered +by the landlady in person, who in bringing up several articles of +warm clothing, expressed her regret that he should have been so +inconvenienced. + +“Why,” said Jack, “I must say, to _me_, used as in course I am to every +sort of luxury and comfort, it _is_ rather hard; but the gentleman--is +tired--and so--” + +“Yes, sir,” said the landlady, “but he should not have interfered +with you, only you gave him leave, as my maid tells me, to share your +accommodation: indeed, it was Fanny who first thought of asking you; +for says she to me, ‘Mam,’ says she, ‘the London gentleman is so very +little, there’ll be plenty of room for Mr. Harridick;’ and all our +other beds, you see, sir, is quite full.” + +“I am much obliged to Fanny for the notion,” said Jack; “I certainly +did not think--I--however--” + +“Oh, sir,” said the landlady, “if it hadn’t been with your own consent, +nobody should have put you out of your room. I’m sure I hope you won’t +catch cold, or feel any other illconvenience by sleeping here--and I’m +humbly obliged to you for your consideration--will you take anything, +sir, before you settle yourself?” + +“Don’t care if I do,” said Jack, “a glass of brandy and water, same as +the last,--hot, strong, and sweet, eh!--I’m deuced shivery.” + +“I’ll send it you directly, sir,” said the landlady, quite delighted at +having so far soothed her guest--“Good night, sir.” + +“Good night,” said Jack. Casting his eyes round the room, which looked +as cheerless as might be; and having reflected for three or four +minutes upon the consequences likely to result from his own estimate of +his lady-killing qualities, a gentle tap at the door announced that + + ----“the drink was ready.” + +“Come in,” said Jack--and again appeared before him the gentle Fanny +with a smoking tumbler of the desired beverage, which she deposited on +the table. + +“So, Miss Fanny,” said Jack, “it was you who foisted that sea-monster +upon me, was it?” + +“Sea-monster! sir,” said Fanny. + +“Yes, Mr. Harridick, as you call him,” said Jack. + +“He is no monster, sir,” said Fanny, “but a very kind-hearted +gentleman, and one of my mistress’s best customers.” + +“I didn’t think you would play me such a trick as that,” said Jack, +looking tenderly and plaintively at the girl:--“the only thing you can +do by way of compensation is, to come and sit with me for an hour or +two, and tell me all your own history--eh!--and then I’ll make it up +with you, smack smooth, and no mistake.” + +“Sit up! sir,” said Fanny--“Lord bless you! sir--why, it’s just twelve +o’clock: we are all in bed here by twelve. I sleep with my mistress, +and she’s waiting for me now.” + +“I say, Fanny,” said Brag, somewhat emphatically-- + +“Come, Fanny--Fanny,” said a voice outside the half-open door, and +which Jack recognised as that of the landlady. + +“Coming, ma’am,” replied the girl--“coming this minute. Good night, +sir!” + +“Good night!” said Jack, in a subdued tone. + +The girl retired, the door closed, and the last sound Jack heard +was a duet of suppressed laughter performed in the passage by the +maid and the mistress, in which the voice of the former considerably +predominated. + +There are sounds to which men sometimes love to shut their ears; Jack, +however, could not muster up a sufficient stock of dysecœa to answer +his purpose. What could they be laughing at?--at the sea-monster +perhaps, thought Jack; there was nothing else ridiculous, that he could +discover; and so in no very good humour the little man rolled himself +up for the night in a boat-cloak which evidently had not long been +home from a voyage. + +In the morning everything was naturally as uncomfortable as anything +well could be, and Jack, looking about wistfully for his _valise_, +began sorely to repent that he had not taken up his abode at “The +Three Kings,” or some of the more substantial inns of the place, where +he would certainly not have been subjected to such an intrusion and +expulsion as those which he had so incautiously brought upon himself. +Having got up, just as he lay down, he rang the bell, and enquired +whether he should be able to use his last night’s room for dressing; +to which Fanny, the cruel fair, replied in the affirmative--that Mr. +Harridick was up, and coming down almost directly, and she would just +“put the things a little to rights,” and let Jack know when it was +ready. + +There was nothing in all this, to soothe or console our hero, who could +not divest himself of that nervous, aching, sinking feeling, which +seems almost miraculously to announce the falling of some heavy blow. +He could not account for the sensation, except indeed that with the +day had come upon him the reflection, that, besides making himself +extremely uncomfortable during the night, he had made himself rather +ridiculous into the bargain. However, a few hours would extricate him +from his worries; he would be cracking his jokes under the patronage +of Lord Tom; and as for the North-Sea trader, as he had, under an +erroneous impression, given him permission to accommodate himself, +it was much better to concede the point upon an assumed principle of +good-nature and consideration, than get into any personal altercation +with a man whose place in society could not easily be defined. + +While he was congratulating himself upon the success of his diplomacy, +a knock at the door, louder than that in which the gentle Fanny +announced her presence, startled him; and the permission “Come in” +being uttered, the door opened, and Mr. Slush Van Harridick presented +himself to Jack’s astonished eyes. + +“Cood mornin do you,” said Harridick; “I ope you zlept mell.” + +“Good morning, sir,” said Jack:--“slept like a top, as you say--warm, +snug, and comfortable; couldn’t be better; all smack smooth, and no +mistake.” + +“I only looked in,” said the trader, “joost do dell you dat +de zea-monster has done tressing, and your room is at your +zervice--eh--dat is all. And now, liddle man, de zea-monster is going +to git his prakfast.” + +Saying which, Harridick shut the door, and calmly walked away, singing +a line of a popular Dutch song, which sounded most discordant to Jack’s +ears, who was now perfectly satisfied that every word which he had, as +he thought privately and confidentially whispered to Fanny, had been +by _her_ communicated to his ursine rival; and that in escaping the +vengeance of Scylla Brown at Dover, he had run into still greater peril +by having offended Charybdis Harridick at Deal, and so got himself, +according to his own phraseology, “out of the frying-pan into the fire.” + +Shaftesbury says:--“The passion of fear (as a modern philosopher +informs me) determines the spirits of the muscles of the knees, which +are instantly ready to perform their motion by taking up the legs +with incomparable celerity, in order to remove the body out of harm’s +way.” Now although it would be unfair and unjust to attribute to any +apprehension of consequences, on the part of Mr. Brag, the resolution +at which he suddenly arrived, of not stopping any longer where he was, +and the immoveable determination he made to depart forthwith; certain +it is that he did so resolve and determine, upon the ground that he +had been ill-used, imposed upon, turned out of his bed, and generally +outraged by the mistress of the house and her handmaiden. + +Accordingly Brag, when he had finished his toilette, or, as he +generally pronounced it, “twilight,” rang the bell and ordered his +bill, giving at the same time a negative to the question if he would +have breakfast served. The tone in which this negative was given, and +the dignified air which accompanied it, satisfied poor Fanny that her +day of influence was over; and when the account was produced and paid, +with the smallest possible gratuity for herself, Brag, boiling with +rage and indignation, qualified in a certain degree by his anxiety to +escape any farther parley with Harridick, quitted the house, bearing +in his hand the valise in which his cap, comb, and the rest of his +portable comforts for one day’s use had been stowed. + +Thus loaded, he emerged from the lane in which, for the benefit of +the sea-view (his room facing the street) he had immured himself, and +walked on to “The Three Kings,” where enquiring the hour at which the +first coach to Dover would start, he ordered breakfast, having first +asked whether the waiter had seen Mr. Brag’s servant anywhere about. + +Of course the man said no--inasmuch as servant there was none. + +“Then,” said Brag, “I have no doubt he drove on last night: never mind, +the coach will do.” + +Jack, whatever might have been the real source of his anxiety to quit +his late residence, felt comparatively happy in his new _locale_. The +house was a good one; there was an air of cleanliness and cheerfulness +about it; the weather was fine, the sun shone brightly, and his +happiness was complete, when, as the waiter was putting down the +breakfast, he replied to the question, “What steamer is that smoking in +the distance?”--“The Dover boat, sir, for Calais.” + +“To-day’s paper, sir,” said the waiter, presenting a copy of “The Dover +Telegraph.” + +“Thank you!” said Jack, with a princely affability of manner, and +forthwith he began his morning meal, alternately cutting, spreading, +sweetening, pouring out, and reading, with a mind perfectly at ease. +A new cloud, however, rose on the horizon, which threatened the +neutralization of the delight which he had just received from the +distant smoke of “The Ferret,” in the shape of the following account of +the grounding of the brig at the back of the pier, which stared him in +the face in large letters under the head of “Local News.” + +“The night before last, the brig Rose, from Falmouth to this port, +missed the entrance of the harbour, owing to the strength of the gale, +and got on shore at the back of the pier. Great apprehensions were +entertained for her safety: three of the crew swam on shore, but were +severely injured on the shingles by the sea, which ran so high that no +assistance could be offered her. About half-past nine a communication +was made with the brig by means of a hawser. Lieutenant Brunt, of the +royal navy, who happened to be on the spot, seized the first moment to +dash through the surf, and at the imminent hazard of his life succeeded +in bringing ashore two female passengers, a lady and her daughter, who, +by the occasional gleams of moonlight were discernible lashed to one +of the masts of the vessel, making signs of distress and supplication. +This is the second instance in which Lieutenant Brunt has signalised +himself in a similar manner. Three men have been unfortunately lost, +but as the weather has moderated, it is thought the brig may be +ultimately got off.” + +“There’s a go,” said Jack to himself,--“I wish we had been off to +France yesterday--now that’s clear contradiction to my story--I saw +him do it--didn’t look like a lieutenant--pooh!--deuce take it--that’s +bad again--no sooner out of one scrape than into another.” In fact, +Jack, like all pretenders, was perpetually dancing the tight rope in +constant fear of a tumble. In the present case his fate was certain, +for there were but two female passengers on board the brig, and but one +man on shore to save both. + +Perhaps Lord Tom might not see the paper, or, if he did, might not +read the account of the brig; at all events, it was no use discounting +misadventures: when they came due, if they were presented, or presented +themselves, it was time enough to meet them:--and so Jack read the +sporting news, and the London news, and finished his breakfast. Having +discovered that the coach would be up in a few minutes, his old failing +overcame him. + +“Waiter,” said Jack. + +“Yes, sir.” + +“Does the coach, in going through Walmer, go near the Castle?” said +Jack. + +“Passes the end of the road leading down to it, sir,” said the man. + +“Oh!” said Jack, affecting to consider, “I must go to Dover first, but +I think my man may have taken the phaeton direct to Walmer.” + +“Oh, sir,” said the waiter, at once impressed, as Jack meant he should +be, with the idea that he was going on a visit to the Castle, “I dare +say the coachman would stop while somebody ran down and enquired.” + +“No, no,” said Jack, “it does not signify, if he is not there, he has +probably gone through to Dover himself,--it will be all right in the +end, and no mistake.” + +In a few moments the coach drove up; the instant it stopped, the +waiter, anxious to be most active in the service of the guest, whose +destination he flattered himself he had discovered, ran into the room +to inform him that one of the duke’s servants, who had come from the +Castle early in the morning, was going back, and would, perhaps, be +able to give some information on the subject. + +This was a staggerer. + +“No, no,” said Jack, “_he_ could not know, because I did not expect my +man so soon--no,--no--never mind.” + +Jack’s distress when he beheld, during the packing of some parcels +into the boot of the coach, the said waiter in close conversation with +the aforesaid servant, may well be imagined; and the fact that the +aforesaid servant occupied an outside place, rendered it absolutely +necessary, in order to avoid any farther explanation, that Jack himself +should proceed, inside. He accordingly enquired if there were room, and +was answered in the affirmative. In he jumped, valise and all, having +the whole interior of the coach, entirely to himself. In a few minutes +he was again in motion, the coachman having received directions to take +up one, at “The Standard.” + +Jack did not feel himself at all at his ease about his last effort +at dignity:--his name he had given--the total absence of servant or +equipage might lead to further enquiries and discoveries, and he get +more deeply involved in intricacies and embarrassments. However, + + “Hope springs eternal in the human breast,” + + +and Jack still fancied something more agreeable might turn up in his +little journey. The passenger to be taken up at the Standard might be +one of the female sex, who by her kindness and sociability might make +amends for the treachery of Fanny and the incivility of her mistress. +There was even yet a chance of an adventure--of some event which, if it +came off, triumphantly, might weigh in the opposite scale against his +defeats and discomfitures. + +As the coach rattled along, towards Walmer, Jack took all his customary +precautions of running his fingers through his curls, pulling up his +shirt collars, and setting himself generally in order, so that, when +the vehicle stopped at the corner where the roads divide, he was all +prepared for conquest. Open went the door, down went the steps, and +Jack, longing as lie was to behold his coming victim, considered +it more becoming his dignity to affect a perfect indifference, and +therefore kept his eyes filled with an expression of military interest +towards the gates of the Barrack-yard, until he felt the inclination of +the carriage to the weight of the entering passenger, when, turning +carelessly “as it were” round to meet, as he hoped, the responsive +glance of some Walmer beauty, he beheld squeezing himself into the +narrow-door of the coach, enveloped in an immensely thick great coat, +his dread and abomination, Mr. Sluys Van Harridick. + +Jack then thought that his measure of calamities was full even to +overflowing. + + “Approach thou like the rugged Russian bear, + The arm’d rhinoceros, or the Hyrcan tiger, + Take any shape but that”---- + +said Macbeth, and thought John Brag, Esq.--What! had he waylaid him to +revenge himself for the insults offered him? or was he doomed to his +society to Dover by mere accident?--what was it?-- + +“Ah!” cried Harridick, the moment he had succeeded in establishing +himself in possession of nearly three-fourths of the coach; “Vot! here +agin,--vy I dought you vas gone--I no zee you to prakfast--here is your +zea monster come do dravel mid you to Tover.” + +“I’m delighted,” said Jack, looking parsnips. + +“I spect do vind my prig at Tover,” said Harridick, who seemed by his +manner either not to comprehend the compliment of being called a sea +monster, in the full acceptation of the words, or to treat the intended +affront of his companion with sovereign contempt,--“I lantet at Teal +pecause I like Teal,--I haf known de lantlaty vor dventy years, ant her +hosbond beforr her--zo I alvays gets ashore dere--to get my znooze, and +leaf my mate do get de prig into de harbor.” + +“Oh!” said Jack, “then you stay at Dover while the brig is there.” + +“Do be zure I too,” said Harridick, “and alldow I am zea monster, I +zshall be doo happy do zee you on poard and plow you out mid znaps.” + +“You are very kind, sir,” said Jack, still doubting whether he was +in earnest in his civility, or indeed, whether being “blown out with +snaps” meant anything hospitable and civil, or exactly the reverse. + +“As ve are alone,” said Harridick, “I zuppoze you mill haf no +hopjecksion do my avving a whiff. I haf no bipe, hot I aff ghiroots +mid amadow do light him mid--mill you aff von, mid me?” + +“No,” said Jack; “none, I thank you:--but, pray do you smoke if you +like.” + +“I mean do too zo,” said Sluys, opening a box of particularly fine +cigars, striking a light, and methodically beginning his exercise, to +the utter confusion of Jack, who knew that by the time he should arrive +at “The Ship,” he should be awfully redolent of the fumes of tobacco, +before noon. + +At this moment the coach stopped to set down the Duke’s servant, who, +having been informed by the waiter that the little gentleman with the +visionary servant and imaginary phaeton seemed to be going to the +Castle, came to the window, touched his hat, and asked whether he +should say anything to his man if the carriage had arrived there. + +“No,” said Jack, “thank you--no--I shall be back by dinner-time--if I +can get back in time--I--” + +“His Grace isn’t here, sir,” said the servant; “only if--” + +“No, no,” said Jack, “I know--no, no--it’s of no consequence; I dare +say my man is gone on to Dover--thank you--much obliged to you.” + +The servant again touched his hat, and retired. “All’s right” was the +word, and away went the happy couple of “insides.” + +It was, it must be confessed, a great comfort, or, as Jack would have +called it, “an ’appy release,” that Harridick, who had not during the +night sufficiently + + “Unfatigued himself with gentle slumbers,” + +still felt drowsy; so that, ere the tip of his first cigar had +faded into ashy paleness, he had himself subsided into a nap, which +greatly relieved his companion from his apprehensions with regard to +consequences; and left him luckily in ignorance of the name of his +“prig,” to which otherwise he might have felt himself bound to pay a +visit. The nap continued until they reached the turning near Dover +Castle, when Brag stopped the coach, and indicated his desire to walk +down into the town by the short cut, ordering the coachman to send +his valise into “The Ship” as soon as he arrived. By this manœuvre +Jack contrived to escape from the caravan without waking the bear, +and without farther cementing an acquaintance with one from whom, the +moment his dread and apprehension of him were overcome, he entertained +the most unqualified aversion. + +Away bounded Jack, along the side of the hill, until, carefully +avoiding “The Three Mackerels,” he cut through the intervening streets, +and _viâ_ Snargate reached his inn, where his first enquiries were +naturally directed as to the position of Lord Tom: Lord Tom was on +the pier. Of course, or, as Jack had it, “in course,” thither Jack +repaired; and, sure enough, there he found his lordship, amidst a crowd +of persons of all sorts and conditions, who were anxiously watching the +process of warping off the unfortunate brig, of which we have already +heard so much. + +Jack was rather sorry that the brig--or, as Sluys Von Harridick +would have called it, “the prig”--was the leading object of the day, +inasmuch as it might lead to a discussion with the young lord as to the +paragraph, which had caught his eye, at Deal. However, Jack proceeded +to join his lordship, who was leaning over the parapet between two +ladies utterly unknown to our hero. + +“Ah, Jack!” said Lord Tom, in a tone not quite like that which Jack had +been used to--“so, you are come back. ‘The Ferret’ is gone--eh!” + +“I know, my lord,” said Jack. + +“You are just in time,” said his lordship:--“this must be a most +interesting sight for _you_. Why, it could have been no easy work to +get aboard that unfortunate craft by a hawser in the gale of the night +before last.” + +“No,” said Jack, “I never said it was. The rope was as slippery as an +eel; and I’m sure, now I look at it, I wonder how the deuce it was +done, only when a man makes up his mind, he don’t stick at trifles.” +The reader will please to observe that Jack’s tone was somewhat +altered--he now put the case hypothetically. + +“I suppose,” said Lord Tom, “you mean to enquire after the ladies whom +you rescued; rely upon it, they will not be ungrateful.” + +“Not I,” said Jack, “I leave all that to fate. I’m satisfied with +having done my little all; I never make mountains of molehills.” + +“Then,” said Lord Tom, “I positively declare you do yourself the +greatest possible injustice, and I will not be so careless a friend as +to suffer you to ‘hide your candle under a bushel.’” + +“My what!” said Jack in an agony. The shop--the moulds, the sixes and +tens, all blazing at once in his mind’s eye. + +“By your candle,” said Lord Tom, “I mean your talent and intrepidity. +Permit me to present you to the two ladies whom, at the hazard of your +life, you preserved--Mrs. and Miss Mervyn--who, I am sure, will be too +happy to award you all the gratitude which you deserve.” + +The ladies turned round, as if preconcertedly, and--more shame be to +them!--burst into an immoderate fit of laughter. + +“I don’t understand this,” said Jack, who, on the contrary, understood +it perfectly. + +“Nor I, sir,” said the elder lady of the two. “That we were +miraculously saved--at least from what, at the moment, we thought +inevitable destruction, is most true; but it is to this gentleman +we owe our preservation,”--(drawing forward a short, stubby, +thick-whiskered man, whom Jack in a moment recognised as having seen on +the beach,)--“Mr. Brunt.” + +“Ha, ha!” said Jack: “that’s the way, ma’am, some men get credit for +what other men have done.” + +“I recollect you, sir,” said Lieutenant Brunt. “I saw you--stood next +you on the beach--and, I dare say, you recollect me. I remember your +kindness in offering to hold my cloak when I started upon my hurried +voyage, or whatever it might be called.” + +“By Jove!” said Lord Tom, calling the attention of his party to a great +effort made by the men who had the hawser round the capstan to get the +brig off--“she will be saved yet!” + +The relief that this change of conversation afforded Jack, was more +than compensated by the evident change which he so clearly observed in +his friend Lord Tom’s manner; and affecting to be extremely anxious to +get a “good look” at the operation in progress, he fidgeted himself +away as far as possible from Mrs. and Miss Mervyn and the odious +lieutenant, whose exertions it was perfectly true he had witnessed, +and, like a simpleton, had appropriated to himself. + +What was he to do:--remain, and battle it out; or go to “The Ship,” +and wait the result? He felt that he had certainly carried the joke a +little too far, but how to retrace his steps he did not exactly see. +How on earth could Lord Tom have got acquainted with the two women who +were saved, and who, instead of being two beautiful girls ready to eat +him up for his gallant exertions in their rescue from a watery grave, +were mother and daughter, neither beautiful, nor ever having been so! +but then, “Master Shallow owed him a thousand pounds;” that was his +stay--his prop--his support--his safeguard and security. + +Fortified by this consideration, he remained on the pier, and +eventually rejoined the party. The attempt to get the brig off +succeeded; she floated, and was soon afterwards towed into the +harbour. The ladies and their preserver took their leave of Lord Tom, +but without bestowing the slightest notice upon Jack, who cowered +beneath the glance of his lordship, who, to his mingled surprise, +gratification, and regret, never uttered another syllable upon the +subject. Lord Tom walked towards “The Ship;” so did Jack--on a parallel +line; but Lord Tom took no more notice of him than if he had been a +stock or a stone. They reached the inn door; Lord Tom entered the +house; Jack, as usual, followed him,--but Lord Tom made no sign; and +the first mark of recognition which he received was, to his utter +horror and amazement, from Lord Ilfracombe, who meeting him in the +hall declared himself quite delighted at renewing the acquaintance so +propitiously begun at “The Duke of Marlborough” near Wigglesford a few +weeks before. + +Brag was now completely taken aback. The chilling coldness of Lord +Tom’s reception in the first instance struck him hard; the contemptuous +manner in which the rescued ladies treated him, hit him harder in the +second; but he was so extremely vain and silly, that even after all +these indications, he was not able to make up his mind whether Lord +Ilfracombe were in earnest or jest when he so warmly expressed his +gratification at again meeting him. + +Still more was he puzzled when his lordship invited him to luncheon,--a +part of the plan which he had preconcerted, and which, as his lordship +did not then know of the last exposure of Jack’s humbug with regard +to saving the lives of the ladies in the brig, he still resolved upon +carrying into effect. That affair, however, in conjunction with a +letter Lord Tom had received from London, touching the double offer and +rejection of Mrs. Dallington and Blanche Englefield, had determined +his lordship to eject him in a much less ceremonious manner; but as +Lord Ilfracombe knew nothing of this, he insisted upon Jack’s coming +up-stairs, under the arrangement into which he had previously entered +with his nephew. + +Jack, who took the whole thing _de bonne foi_, screwed up his curls and +settled his collars as usual, and accompanied the earl to one of the +drawing-rooms where luncheon had been put down; (after which the party, +excepting Lord Tom, were to start for Canterbury, see its antiquities, +and sleep, on their way to London;) and was, by his lordship, ushered +into the apartment, in which he found, assembled together, Lady +Ilfracombe, Lord and Lady Dawlish, and Lady Fanny Smartly. + +Lady Fanny, Jack knew by sight, her ladyship being a pre-eminent +equestrian of the equestrian order; but the other ladies he did not +recognise, although he concluded that the elder lady was my lord’s +wife. The other couple, although they were of the party which picked +up the earl at “The Duke of Marlborough,” he did not at the moment +recollect. + +“Lady Ilfracombe,” said the earl, “let me present Mr. Brag to you--a +great friend of Tom’s, who will be here presently--and with whom I +passed a remarkably pleasant hour or two on that wet day when you +discovered me in my shelter from the rain.” + +“Ah!” thought Jack, “then he remembers it all: what will happen +next!--perhaps he has forgotten some of it--perhaps, if he has not +forgotten, he forgives. What I’m to do, I don’t know--I’m in for it; +and so here goes, and no mistake.” + +“That _was_ a dreadful wet day, my lord,” said Jack; “I had no idea at +the time whom I had the honour of speaking to, but when one is at an +inn whatever comes uppermost comes out--and--I--dare say I talked a +little too fast.” + +“Not a bit,” said the earl. “My great object, besides the pleasure of +having your society at luncheon and gratifying Tom, is to undeceive you +as to our real characters. We are not the ‘kill-joys and wet-blankets’ +you take us for.”--“Come, Lady Ilfracombe, let us sit down; Tom will +be here immediately,--we have no time to lose.” + +The bell was rung, the servants appeared, the little party were soon +seated; but before fork had assailed a chicken’s breast, or knife been +flourished over it, Lord Tom himself entered the room evidently excited. + +“My lord,” said Lord Tom, addressing himself to the earl, “I feel it +my duty to undeceive you, as I am myself undeceived, in the character +of a person in this room, who is only protected by being in it, in the +character of my uncle’s guest. He has now the assurance to sit down +in the presence of Lady Fanny Smartly, with whom he claimed to you a +personal intimacy; he has the impudence to sit next Lady Dawlish, my +cousin, whose person he ridiculed without being acquainted with it; +he libelled you, sir, without ever having seen you; and, in short has +exhibited himself in the most contemptible possible character. This, at +your lordship’s desire, I would have overlooked, in order to carry on +the jest a little further, and have had the satisfaction of marching +him out with all the honours of ridicule; but circumstances have come +to my knowledge this day which render it my duty to insist upon his +instantly quitting this room. How he has the audacity to sit down in +the society of ladies whom he has vilified, and of men whom he has +aspersed, it is for him to decide; but since I have had the misfortune +of associating him in the slightest degree with my family,--which be +it observed, I have carefully abstained from doing, whenever it was +possible,--I feel it due to them to evince my feelings by desiring, or, +if necessary, by ordering him out.” + +“My dear Tom!” said Lord Ilfracombe,--and the ladies looked aghast. + +“Come, sir!” said Lord Tom;--“I have to apologize, my dear aunt, for +this course, but it is the only one;--walk out--with me, if you please, +sir.” + +“Oh!” said Jack, rising from his seat, “in course; if your lordship +goes out too, there can be no difficulty whatsoever--only I don’t +understand--I know something which may, perhaps, make a difference.” + +“Whatever difference there is between us, sir,” said Lord Tom, “shall +be settled immediately.” + +“My dear Tom,” said Lady Ilfracombe,--“what do you mean?” + +“Nothing to be alarmed about, my dear madam,” said Tom. “I shall be +back in five minutes at the farthest.” + +Lord Ilfracombe, who had really intended to have a good joke out of the +affair, and have regularly presented Jack by degrees to Lady Dawlish, +the “winky-eyed, waxy doll of the toy-shop,” and the “monstrous bore” +Dawlish, and so on, until he had shamed him laughingly out of his +absurd propensity to talk big, was seriously vexed at the manner in +which his nephew had lost his temper and taken the matter up; but the +truth really was, that the conduct of the man had grown unbearable. The +scandal of the affair in London had made him ridiculous beyond measure, +and the last event of the preservation of the distressed “females” +crowned the whole. + +Jack certainly felt extremely awkward in getting up from the table at +which he had placed himself so comfortably; but, embarrassing as was +the movement, he still chuckled at the thought of having Lord Tom in +Dover gaol before sunset: he never travelled without his lordship’s I. +O. U.’s carefully deposited in a Russia leather pocket-book; and his +lordship, as he felt, might be secure that if _he_ did not ride his +lordship’s horses at Paris on the next Sunday, his lordship would not +be at Paris to see them run. + +When Jack rose, which he found inevitable,--for, spite of Lord +Ilfracombe and the compassionate ladies, Tom was inexorable,--he said, + +“Well,--I didn’t expect this--I was asked by Lord Ilfracombe +to luncheon--I did not force myself here;--and I _do_ +think--considering--however--I say nothing;--but in the presence of +females--I do not think this altogether proper;--however, ‘might +overcomes right’--and I--can only--add--I wish your lordship and the +ladies a good morning. It is hard treatment, but I’ll be even with +somebody that you may rely upon, and no mistake.” + +“Now, Mr. Brag,” said Lord Tom when they left the apartment, “just step +into this room, and hear what I have to say.” + +“Oh, in course,” said Jack. + +“From the time I first made your acquaintance on the course at Epsom, I +always treated you like a gentleman,” said Lord Tom; “I introduced you +to my friends--you lived with me--I took you to Mrs. Dallington’s--all +that story, sir, I have heard. You meet my uncle accidentally--you +vilify him to his face, traduce me and the ladies of my family. You +render me ridiculous wherever I take you--you insult everybody you +come near--and you wind up with telling me a distinct and deliberate +falsehood with regard to your exploits in saving two ladies the night +before last, whose faces you did not even know when you saw them this +morning. All this you do. Now, I only ask you, can you be surprised +that I am in the highest degree enraged with you?” + +“Not a bit,” said Jack; “I dare say you are very right, and I am very +wrong: but you forget, my Lord Tom, one part of the story--I mean the +money you have borrowed of me;--if that has slipped _your_ memory, it +has not slipped _mine_,--and I will take care that you shall not slip +_me_, for, by Job--” + +“Don’t make a noise, sir,” said Lord Tom; “give me back my _bons_ +or whatever securities you have of mine, and I’ll pay you down +every shilling upon that account; and thank you, not only for the +accommodation you have afforded me, but for the lesson you have taught +me, as to making friendships, which I shall not, I think, easily +forget.” + +“What! are you going to pay me?” said Jack. + +“To the last farthing, sir,” said Lord Tom. + +“Why, then,” said Jack, “that’s more than I ever expected. I’ve +got your _bons_ and your I. O. U.’s all here in my pocket-book. +Stop,--let’s see; there--” + +“Take your time,” said Lord Tom; “I don’t want to hurry you.” + +“There,” said Jack; “two hundred and twenty--one hundred and ten--one +hundred. That’s all.” + +“Four hundred and thirty pounds,” said Lord Tom. + +“Exactly so,” said Jack; “but I say--I won’t take a cheque.” + +“But you _will_ be impertinent,” replied my lord. “Here, sir; here are +the four hundred and thirty pounds in bank-notes. Count them, sir; look +at them.” + +“It’s all right, and no mistake,” said Jack, looking over the paper. + +“Here perish all my _bons_!” said Lord Tom, tearing them up, “and, I +hope, with them, all my absurdities. To be sure, I am easily deceived.” + +“Yes, very; you are what I call, as innocent as a lamb,” said Jack. +“Stories _may_ come out. I say nothing.” + +“Do you mean to insinuate?” said his lordship. + +“I insinuate nothing,” said Jack, “but I wish you a very good day. +Boaster and humbug as you call me, I’ve done one thing to-day that +would puzzle a philosopher. I’ll be hanged if I haven’t got four +hundred and thirty pounds out of an empty pocket! That’s what I +call coming it strong. I’ve lost the honour of your lordship’s +acquaintance,--that’s a misfortune; but I’ve got my money back, and +that’s a capital set-off _per contra_, and no mistake.” + +“With this moment, sir, all connexion between us ceases,” said Lord Tom. + +“Thank you, my lord,” said Jack; “good morning!” + +Lord Tom, who was exceedingly agitated during this burst, returned +to the drawing-room, and the reproaches of the ladies for his +cruelty towards the little man; and Brag, the moment his lordship +had disappeared, leaned over the balusters and cried in a loud and +commanding tone-- + +“Waiter!” + +“Yes, sir?” + +“Order me a chaise and four to Hythe directly.” + +“Yes, sir.” + +“And”--in a louder tone of voice--“bring me my bill--a bottle of +soda-water, and change for a hundred-pound note!” + + + + + CHAPTER V. + + +While these events were occurring on the sea-shore, matters were +progressing, as the Americans have it, in the metropolis, and the +two pair of lovers enjoying a felicity to which, spite of all their +inclinations and affections, they had previously been strangers. +Rushton, taught by the precepts and encouraged by the practice of +Sir Charles, began to think that a woman might be lively without +being vicious, sad without thinking of his rivals, and civil to her +acquaintance without being a coquette; while Sir Charles, assured +of Mrs. Dallington’s esteem, began to appreciate the merits of her +character, and understand, which to him were before incomprehensible, +the fluctuations of spirits and variation of temper which he had +frequently remarked, but which, until the recent _éclaircissement_ took +place, he never suspected to have their origin in his own coldness and +apparent indecision. + +Out of evil comes good; and, whatever faults Mr. Brag possessed, he +certainly had the merit of bringing matters in the Dallington family to +a crisis. The double marriage already began to be spoken of, and hints +were even given upon the subject in the fashionable intelligence of the +Morning Post. + +Of the other party, the Browns and Meads, we know enough for the +present; they are on their way to Paris, as happy as may be, having +left Mrs. Brown the elder, who declined the tour, at the doctor’s +house in Burlington Gardens, where she was to reside, even after her +daughter’s return from the Continent, which could not long be delayed, +in consequence of Mead’s professional engagements in London. + +While these quieter persons are moving regularly in their proper +spheres, it becomes our duty to regard the movements of the exploded +Jack, with the same sort of attention which we bestow upon the +wrigglings and twistings of the animalculæ in the great microscope, +the natural insignificance of which render the developement of their +limbs and motions matters of interest, being such as to leave their +distinctive characteristics perfectly invisible to the naked eye. + +The bill was scarcely paid, and the change settled, before Jack’s +terribly alarming post-chaise and four rattled up to the street-door of +“The Ship,” making the cliffs reverberate with its clatter, and-- + + “----the very stones prate at its whereabout.” + +Open flew the door--bang went the steps--pop went the cork of +the bottle of soda-water--down went the draught at full speed, +nearly choking the patient, or rather the impatient, with its +effervescence--and at three skips and a jump the little man sprang into +the “carriage,” and throwing himself into one of its corners, as if +anxious to conceal himself from the anxious gaze of the public, not one +of whom was looking at him, away he went, boiling with rage and foaming +with vexation, and resolved to pay Lord Tom off in his own coin, and no +mistake. + +Little did the furious John know what he was driving to; little did +he anticipate what was to happen to him at Eastbourn, which was his +eventual place of destination, or what strange events his sudden +dismissal from the friendship of Lord Tom was to bring about. The +immediate purpose of his soul was to reach Hastings that night, in time +to despatch a letter to his mother, directing her _not_ to direct his +letters to Paris. + +Arrived at Hythe, Jack’s fever had by no means subsided; yet, upon +ascertaining the hour at which the post left Hastings, and feeling +certain, since he did not mean to “carry on” with four horses, that +he should not arrive there in time to despatch his filial epistle by +the night’s mail, he resolved to rest for an hour or two where he was, +until he saw the boys returning with the chaise to Dover, so that by no +means it might be discovered that he had discarded his leaders, (as men +sometimes in a pet, feel very much inclined to do,)--and that he might +have time to write his letter, which he did, in the following terms:-- + + “White Hart, Hythe, + Thursday evening. + + “MY DEAR MOTHER, + + “I wrote to you yesterday from Deal; and, as Jem Salmon would say, + a deal has been doing since I wrote. After having seen Brown and + his new wife, and having been bullied, as I told you, by the doctor + to whom that snivelling Nance is married, I thought there was an + end; so in course, I went back as soon as the smoke of the Ferret, + the steamer in which they crossed, told me they were off. I had a + very pleasant ride to Dovor, for I had made an acquaintance with an + uncommon gentlemanly man, a captain of a Dutch man-of-war lying off + that port, with whom I was so much pleased that I gave him up my + sleeping-room, which in course was the crack apartment of the hotel + where I lodged. So, in the morning, he would insist upon attending me + back. Indeed, it was generally supposed I was going on a visit to the + Castle; and it was with great trouble I undeceived them, for, being + so much with the nobility in these parts, in course they took for + granted ten thousand things which one can’t help. + + “Well, when I arrived at Dovor,” for so Mr. Brag thought it + uncommonly smart, to spell it, “I found Lord Tom with a couple of + females talking, on the pier, which somehow I did not like;--I am, my + dear mother, very particular in that respect;--so, directly I saw it, + I said to Lord Tom, ‘Tom,’ says I, ‘this won’t do before people of + character,’ and that kind of thing--and so I walks right away. + + “Well, up I goes to ‘The Ship;’--that’s the inn here, the only place + a man of any character can go to, and where in course I am uncommon + well known;--and who should I see there but old Ilfracombe, Tom’s + uncle,--a kind of a bore of a lord whom I have always made a point + of shirking, with his wife, and son, and daughter-in-law, and a Lady + Fanny Smartly, which rides in the Park. So when I goes in--‘Jack,’ + says my lord, ‘I’m delighted to see you. Where’s Tom?’ meaning Lord + Tom Towzle, which is his nephew. Says I, ‘My lord, I can’t say; I + have left him on the pier with two rum ones.’ Upon which my lord + says, ‘Never mind _him_; come up and have some luncheon.’ I said, ‘My + Lord,’ says I, ‘I never lunches.’ But that war’nt no go; he would not + have it at no price. ‘Come along, Jack,’ says he, and up he drags me, + smack smooth into the room with all his relations, and no mistake. + I’d rather have been in a pigstye; however, Lady Dawlish and Lady + Fanny smothered me with kindness, and I was forced to sit down and + sham eating; which, in course, I did. + + “Well! in comes Lord Tom; and he was in a regular humour because I + would not speak to the two promiscuous females which he was parading + about with. So I stands no nonsense, but ups to him in a minute, like + a game cock, before the females and all, and just gave him as good as + he could bring. I told him my mind, and pitched into him about the + money he owed me. Had him there!--in course he couldn’t stump a dump: + so I just shook my whip--it was my little whip--right before him, and + I says, ‘Good by’e, my lord! When you learn manners, we associate + together again; for the present I cut you,--not with _this_,’ says + I, shaking my little Crowther again right in his face; ‘but the next + time I see you, by Job I’ll have my money out of you!’ With that, + he walked away just like a dog with his tail what the soldiers call + countermarched; a regular try-back, and run into the kennel amongst + the females of his family. + + “And see what a fool he is: I was to ride for him on the Champy + Mas at Paris next Sunday--got my new jacket all ready:--and now + he’ll lose that, and no mistake. So instead of stepping over the + herring-pond, I am going to Eastbourne, which is a nice, retired + place, and where I hope you will send me down fifty or a hundred + pounds; for to tell you, my dear mother, the plain truth,--I’m + stumped. So don’t forget, and direct to the hotel, Eastbourne. + + “Yours affectionately, + “JOHN BRAG. + + “P. S.--Tell me something about Kitty: I can’t make it out. Brown has + got one child, and two carriages:--there’s a go!” + +When he had written and sealed this, he enquired, as usual, of the +waiter, the way to the Post-Office; and having been properly directed, +himself slipped his packet into the box. The epistle despatched, +Jack got into his new chaise, and proceeded towards the place of his +destination with a “happy pair” of posters. + +It was lateish in the evening when he reached Hastings, and was driven +to that admirable inn, “The Swan,” which certainly combines all the +attributes which a man does not require in a house of the sort at a +watering-place. Jack, however, bundled out of his yellow-and-two, and +being in no humour to soliloquize, betook himself to the ill-smelling +coffee-room, and contented himself with ordering a bed, and--as he +seldom failed to do--a preparatory glass of hot brandy and water. +Dinner he had had none--(his appetite was not particularly sharp under +all the circumstances)--but, by way of what he called a “stay” to his +stomach, he told the waiter to bring him a sandwich--the only single +word in the English language which comprehensively describes in a +dissyllable, dirt, butter, and mustard, laid between two bits of stale +bread. + +As for Hastings--Jack cared nothing. Whether it had been founded by +Jack Hastings, the Danish pirate, or whether Athelstan had coined money +in it, was all one to him:--Whether Robert, earl of Eu, or John de +Dreux, had the better right to the castle, disturbed not Jack; nor, in +the present temper of his mind, would he have cared one pin, if, after +the French burned it in 1377, it had never been rebuilt. He was, as he +told his mother, regularly “stumped”--not exactly in the way he wished +to make her believe--but still, stumped he was: and perhaps never did +little man experience fall so sudden or deep as that by which Jack had +been afflicted during the last four-and-twenty hours. + +It was impossible, however, for the little man to withstand the impulse +of his inherent infirmity:--the old, stale, worn-out trick of asking +after his servant and carriage, was again played off at “The Swan.” + +“No, sir,” was, of course, the answer to the enquiries if his man and +phaeton had arrived. + +“I told him to come here,” said Jack, who, till he reached the place, +did not even know that the sign of the inn was “The Swan.” + +“I’ll send to enquire, sir,” said an officious waiter; “he may have +gone to some other house. What name shall I say?” + +“Brag,” said Jack;--“and, stay--if he should be at any other inn +by mistake, tell him to bring me up the large leather case with my +writing-desk, and the small one with my dressing-case--and the brown +cloak lined with fur:--remember, the brown one--not the blue.--But I’d +bet my life he has made some infernal mistake.” + +Away went the man. Jack had gratified his ruling passion, and again +fell into no pleasing reverie. + +It was in this state of mind that Jack sat looking at the “drink,” +which had been placed before him until his eyes seemed to swim in the +glass. The time began to verge on nine o’clock when a sort of scuffling +noise outside the coffee-room door aroused his attention; and turning +his eyes to the source of the disturbance, he beheld a slim, pale, and +what is called an “interesting-looking” man, enter the room somewhat +feebly, assiduously wrapped up in divers and sundry coats and cloaks; +his face peeping out from under a fanciful kind of foraging cap, +overlaid by a pink silk handkerchief, looking like the pale queen of +Night peeping to earth through some intervening clouds. + +Jack saw that the approaching object was what he considered “uncommon +genteel;” and when it threw itself down upon a seat in a state of +exhaustion, he began to think he had discovered somebody upon whom +he might make an impression--in whom he might find an agreeable +listener;--which was, after all, his notion--when he could find one--of +a pleasant companion. + +“Pay the chairmen,” said the stranger to the waiter, “and tell +Rummagee-Doss to bring me some Eau de Cologne.” + +The waiter disappeared. + +“I beg your pardon, sir,” said the stranger to Brag, “but I am a sad +invalid,--and so hipped and wretched--upon my life, I declare, I can’t +tell how:--so low and miserable from ill health, that I prefer this +corner of the coffee-room to any private room of my own--and, I am +afraid, I cause a great deal of inconvenience. I declare, I wouldn’t +for the world, if I--” + +“None in the least,” said Jack. “Don’t mind _me_, sir; I’m not +particular any how:--take everything as it comes--straight up, right +down, and no mistake.” + +“I have just arrived from India,” said the stranger. “I never suffered +anything like the wretchedness of the voyage: such a set of people!--no +sentiment--no delicacy about them;--so rough and noisy,--and I so +extremely indisposed!--so, the moment I could, I got on shore here. +The purser of the ship--a great coarse creature, who used to laugh +all day long like a hyæna--landed here with letters and things, all +about business, for those people in Leadenhall Street; and so I--it +was a very lucky chance--I said I would land here too:--I brought +nothing but half a dozen packages of things I wanted, and my man, +Rummagee-Doss, just to take care of me a little;--I only came ashore +yesterday--and I have been to take a warm bath, and I feel a great deal +better already; for the nasty smell of the ship, and such a great deal +of talking, and playing games and romps, and a parcel of women who had +no sympathy for a sick creature like me, quite upset me,--I really +never was so overcome in all my life!” + +“It must be a deuce of a bore,” said Jack, “being boxed up for half a +year in one of those great arks.” + +“Oh! sir,” said the stranger, “you have no idea of the misery of +it!--and the man--the captain--had nothing in the world to make one +comfortable. He had tea, but no milk--his cow died; and not a drop of +lemonade was to be got--nothing but wine and beer, and those things, +which one can’t drink you know--and no pastry after the first five +weeks! Oh! if you knew what I have suffered, sir, you would excuse any +little trouble I give.” + +Hereabouts entered a fine-looking piece of brown humanity, done up +in muslin, with a high-caste yellow streak down his forehead, bearing +a bottle of Eau de Cologne, who turned out to be Rummagee-Doss, the +stranger’s Kitmagar. + +“You don’t dislike _this_, do you, sir?” said the stranger, holding up +the Eau de Cologne bottle. + +“On the contrary,” said Jack, “quite the reverse, and no mistake.” + +“_Jou_,” said the stranger, and the muslin and streak retired. + +“That’s a rummish cut of a toggery,” said Jack, who had never seen an +Oriental attendant before. + +“A what!” said the stranger. + +“Curious dress,” said Jack. + +“Pretty and picturesque,” said the stranger, “ill suited to this +climate. I don’t mean to keep him in England--he is an excellent +creature--and so affectionate--I never saw so much kindness--all during +my illness--so sick. I declare--well I never did--” + +“I’m not used to that sort of thing,” said Jack; “however, if you are +not going to turn in just yet, I’ll order another glass of ‘hot with’ +just to keep you company.” + +“Do,--you are _so_ good,” said the stranger, twisting himself about +gracefully; “I am sure we shall be great friends by and bye. I am going +to have a little weak tea, and I have taken such a fancy to a raspberry +tart, I think I shall indulge myself--for I am very unwell.” + +“Tea and tarts,” said Jack, “that’s what I call a queer cross; but I +suppose you chaps from the East have a great many varieties of feed of +which we know nothing.” + +“It is extremely agreeable there,” said the stranger, “but I have such +wretched health that I cannot enjoy anything.” + +At this period of the dialogue, the waiter arrived with a tray, on +which a tea equipage was arranged, and sure enough, three raspberry +tartlets, ovals of jam covered with a trelliage of pastry, which might +be heraldically described as “Gules, fretty of Or,” but in which no +reasonable mortal--“not to speak it profanely,” above the age of +thirteen, indulges in the way of eating. Jack looked, wondered at the +taste of his companion, and ordered a replenishment of his glass. + +“I shan’t discommode you,” said Jack, “shall I?--I’m not for late +sitting, but, finding a gentleman to converse with, why, I think, +eleven or so a goodish hour to turn in, and no mistake.” + +“I shall be delighted,” said the stranger. “Oh dear! this tea is so +strong--Qui hi--oh, I forget I am--Rummagee--oh dear dear.--Waiter”-- + +“Shall I ring the bell?” said Jack. + +“Oh don’t let me trouble you, sir,” said the stranger. + +The waiter luckily appeared--more grog was brought for Jack, and a +little more hot water for his companion. + +“Have you been long in India, sir?” said Jack--who began to feel his +natural desire to “find out” anything come strongly upon him. + +“Only a few years,” said the stranger. “I did uncommonly well at +first, for my mother, who is an excellent woman--indeed I don’t know +how to speak of her in terms strong enough, for I declare I never did +see such a creature--got a friend of hers to put me on his staff.” + +“Oh!” said Jack, stirring his grog, but not at all comprehending the +precise nature of the advantage to be derived from what appeared to him +a very extraordinary position. + +“But at last,” said the stranger, “I could not bear the tyranny of the +old creature of a general, so I left him and joined my regiment; but +when I got to it, the sun was so hot, and the duty so hard, it was +too much for me; so I got sick leave, and I must say I never saw such +handsome treatment in my life; everybody--I declare they did--even +nasty creatures whom I hated--all of them were ready to bear witness +to my illness, and to get me home the very moment I expressed a desire +that way.” + +It is a remarkable fact that people of education and even general +knowledge and experience, and all of them therefore wonderfully +superior to Jack Brag, have such strange and ill-arranged notions of +our Indian empire,--for so it may be called--that the sharpest and +cleverest of them will ask a man who has arrived from the East, if he +happen to know Mr. Hawkins, or Mr. Jenkins, or Mr. Tomkins, who went to +India about ten years before; without reference to the Presidency to +which he went, or even the service in which he was engaged, which, as +they who know the truth, know, is something tantamount to a Bengallee +asking an Englishman if he knows Mr. Smith of Great Britain; the extent +of territory in the one, equalizing the numerical superiority in +population in the other. + +If wise men and clever men, and clever women and wise men, ask such +questions of returning Indians, is it to be wondered that Jack Brag, +who knew no more about India than Chaucer did, should venture to +inquire something about his horror, Brown, and, what really _was_ +interesting to him, the fate of Brown’s wife? Of course the reader must +think that Brag would make those researches after his own fashion; and +so he did--but he _did_ make them. + +“I,” said Brag, drawing himself up, and setting his neckcloth to +rights--“I had some connexions in India--but they, like you, have come +home--extremely rich and all that--stumpy down, and no mistake;--left +them at Dover--cause indeed of my coming here on my way to meet a +friend of mine, at Eastbourn;--they are off to France--excellent +people--I have a very high regard for them.” + +“What part of India do they come from?” said the stranger, bathing his +temples with one hand, and eating a tartlet with the other. + +“What part!” said Jack, “Oh--I--I--don’t know--India--somewhere about--” + +“What is the name of your friend?” said the stranger. + +“His name,” said Jack, “I should think, must be pretty well known in +those parts;--Brown is his name.” + +“Brown!” said the stranger, “dear me!--a gentleman!--” + +“Why,” said Brag, “I don’t say much, sir,--but, as I have already said +he is a near connexion of mine, I need not, I suppose, answer your +question--eh!--don’t you think so?--I’m plain spoken--straight up, +right down, and no mistake. He’s a deuced fine fellow, with a deuced +handsome fortune, and married to my sister.” + +“Oh!” said the stranger, “Ah!--then I don’t know;--but I _did_ know a +great horrid creature in India with a carman’s shoulders and balustrade +legs.--Oh--such a man--of the name of Brown, whose behaviour to a +young delicate creature, the daughter of the general, to whom I was +aid-de-camp, absolutely drove me out of India--that is--in point of +fact--” + +“Oh,” said Jack, “that cannot be _my_ brother-in-law; he is a regular +good fellow; prime chap! what I call a regular switcher, and no +mistake.” + +“Upon my word,” said the stranger, “you _do_ talk so!--a switcher!--I +don’t in the least understand you. The dreadful man, I mean, was a +serjeant in some regiment, who came out with a wife. Oh, if you had but +seen her--such a monster!--all I don’t know how--so coarse, and that +kind of thing, who voted herself a beauty; and so, somehow for _her_ +sake, he wanted to be made a gentleman of.” + +“Yes, sir,” said Jack, beginning to grow rather suspicious that his +cast had been too good. + +“I declare I never saw anything like those people,” said the stranger; +“so impudent, so pushing, and so rude! However, it did; it answered; +and a man--a major--kind of secretary in the general’s office, took +a fancy to him--Heaven knows why, _I_ never could see anything about +him to admire--and made him his clerk: from _that_, you would hardly +believe it, he became first an officer, then an aid-de-camp, and at +last--but then, there is such a long fie-fie story about that--he +married the general’s daughter!” + +“What!” said Jack, affecting perfect indifference, his cheeks red as +fire and his hands cold as ice, “while his other wife was alive?” + +“Oh dear no!” said the stranger; “she was dead. She was a very naughty +woman, quite paw, paw!” + +“Quite what?” said Jack. + +“Oh you understand what I mean,” said Fripps, (for Narcissus it was, +who spoke,) patting his arm,--“quite fie, fie!” + +“I don’t know what you mean,” said Jack, nevertheless shrewdly +guessing--hating the half-uttered monosyllabic and mincing manner +of his raspberry-eating associate, and feeling, callous as he was, +something like a reflective affection for his sister,--“What did she +do?” + +“Oh,” said Fripps, “I can’t tell you;--upon my word something so +shocking--and--I never did--it was--oh, very bad!” + +“And,” said Jack, his lips quivering, “what--what became of her?” + +“They buried her, poor thing!” said Fripps. + +“But--but,” said Jack, “tell me, if you please, sir, was she parted +from George before _that_?” + +“George!” said Fripps; “what--do you know _this_ Brown too?” + +“No,” said Jack; “no, no--I--don’t know him--eh! You said his name was +George--didn’t you? She--I--should like to know about _her_--that’s +all. You have made me wish to know--that’s all.” + +“What a dear sympathetic mind you have!” said Fripps; “but let me beg +you not to trouble yourself about tipsy Kitty!” + +“There,” said Jack,--“you see--you call _her_ Kitty.--Well, you called +_him_ George.--You did not recollect; and so--she--she--” + +“She,” said Fripps, “first took to drinking, and then--then--don’t you +know?--she left this great odious Brown--ran away from him.” + +“Oh,” said Jack; “ah--yes, yes; that’s natural.” + +“And as everybody said,” said Fripps, “as they do when a man dies after +a long illness, it was a happy release.” + +“Yes, so it was--that’s what _I_ often say.--Poor Kitty!” muttered +Jack, to himself--but audibly striking his hand upon the table; “Poor +soul--poor soul!” + +“There it is again,” said Fripps; “now you say Kitty.” + +“_You_ said Kitty,” said Jack; “how else should I know?” + +“There was nothing romantic about her,” said Fripps; “she was a +dowdy-looking thing, the daughter of a candle-maker somewhere in +London; and this Brown persuaded her that he was an officer, and so she +ran away with him, and, as she told a friend of mine, who really--upon +my word--I declare--people _do_ such things in India--used to meet her +and talk to her, sometimes in the evening after she had gone away from +cantonments,--she had a brother, who helped her to run away with Brown, +as she told _him_, because he himself wanted to be very civil indeed to +Brown’s sister--don’t you see?” + +“Yes,” said Jack; not lifting his eyes from the table--“Umph!--I do--I +see it all.” + +“It is so strange,” said Fripps, “that you should have asked me about +anybody of such a common name as Brown in all India, and that I should +have been able to give you such a comical history. However, as I told +you, _this_ Brown afterwards married the general’s daughter, and when +_that_ happened, I gave up my staff appointment,--I could not stop in +the place,--and so Brown succeeded me, and then the general died, and +left him the whole of his large fortune.” + +“He did, did he?” said Jack; “why then--” swallowing at one gulp the +remainder of his grog--“that--eh!--that was--straight up, right down, +and no mistake!”--and the laugh that followed the words was hollow and +sepulchral. + +“What office did your relation fill in India?” said Fripps. + +“I forget, at the moment,” said Jack. + +“Was he civil or military?” said Fripps. + +“Very civil, I believe,” said Jack; “but--I don’t know.” + +“No, but,” said Fripps, “I mean, was he a civilian or a soldier?” + +“I forget,” said Jack, who was quite “toppled over” himself for once, +“but we’ll--that is, if you have no objection--talk this over in the +morning. I’m what you call, right slick stumped; I have been riding +hard all the forenoon, and am regularly done. Perhaps we shall meet at +breakfast, sir.” + +“I shall be so happy you can’t think!” said Fripps. “I shall try and +get up towards town to-morrow in the course of the day, perhaps as far +as Tunbridge Wells. But that will make no difference; and I shall be +quite delighted to renew our acquaintance in London when we meet there.” + +“You are uncommon good,” said Jack; “I shall be very glad indeed”--at +the same time ringing the bell for a light. In a minute or two more he +quitted the room, with a bow to Fripps, who seemed greatly disappointed +at the growing want of cordiality which he thought he had discovered in +Jack’s manner, as their dialogue had advanced. + +So, however, they parted for the night. + +In a few minutes afterwards, Fripps rang to give Rummagee-Doss +notice of his approach to rest; and while he was half leaning, half +lolling on the table, on the edge of his departure for his room, he +incidentally asked the waiter if he knew the name of the gentleman who +had just retired. + +“The gentleman’s name is Brag, sir,” said the man. + +“Brag!” said Fripps; “you don’t mean that!--well! if ever--” + +“That is the gentleman’s name, sir,” replied the man. + +“Well then, if ever I did”--said Fripps. “What time is he going in the +morning?” + +“He has ordered horses at nine, sir,” said the man. “The chaise is to +follow him to St. Leonard’s, as he means to walk on.” + +“Well, never mind,” said Fripps: “only take care and don’t let anybody +call me till ten. I have no doubt--the name is so uncommon--but +that I have told the unhappy man the whole story of his wretched +fie-fie sister. _Her_ name was Brag--that’s all I know. I declare I +wouldn’t have done such a thing for a thousand rupees. Hitherow, come +along:--where is the creature? Here--help me up. Good night! Well, I +declare--come, Rummagee--it can’t be helped!--good night--good night! +Well--if ever----” + +And so tottered up to his chamber the delicate Narcissus Fripps, who +had thus innocently afforded Jack all the information about his sister +which he perhaps could never have derived from any other source. This +advantage Jack had gained by boasting of his high Indian connexions; +while the misery of Fripps, consequent upon the discovery that his +companion was Mrs. Brown’s brother, was occasioned by Brag’s having +ostentatiously announced his name, while asking after his servant and +carriage. + +It is needless to add, as the jest-books say, that Jack, who certainly +did not much admire the manners of his communicative companion, and +still less the nature of his communication, was up in the morning +by seven, and, before eight, was off towards St. Leonard’s. As he +walked onwards, his mind was as much occupied as it could be with +anything, with the account he had heard of his sister. From what Mead +had previously told him, the intelligence of the preceding evening +certainly did not so much surprise him as it otherwise would have +done; but every man has _some_ feeling, more or less as the case may +be; and Jack had been, at the moment, affected by the unexpected +recital of this piece of family history. + +From the meditation in which he was absorbed, Jack was aroused upon +his arrival at that splendid creation of modern art and industry, +St. Leonard’s, which perhaps affords one of the most beautiful and +wonderful proofs of individual taste, judgment, and perseverance, that +our nation exhibits. Under the superintendence of Mr. Burton, a desert +has become a thickly-peopled town: buildings of an extensive nature and +most elegant character rear their heads where, but a few years since, +the barren cliffs presented their chalky fronts to the storm and wave; +and rippling streams and hanging groves adorn the valley which, twenty +years since, was a sterile and shrubless ravine. + +Jack, who appreciated in a very slight degree the beauties of nature, +and who talked of a fine country only in reference to hedges, ditches, +stone walls, and five-barred gates, looked at the sea, only as a great +glittering body of water which dazzled his eyes--and at cliffs as +something uncommonly out of the way. His approbation of St. Leonard’s +was excited not by the great changes its establishment has made in +the face of the neighbourhood, nor by its intrinsic beauty; (and he +expressed his satisfaction to a promiscuous friend with whom he had +fallen into conversation in the street;) but because it reminded him of +the Regent’s Park; and he judiciously added, that if it could only be +got away from the sea, and set down altogether in a sporting part of +Leicestershire, with a lot more stables, it would be a regular “trump,” +and no mistake. + +His temporary companion heard his opinion, looked at him, touched his +hat, and walked on. + +It may be asked, if Jack had such an aversion for the sea, why he +should propose to visit Eastbourne--or why he had hovered upon the +coast? The truth is, Jack was like the king of the chess-board towards +the end of the game. The widow and her sister occupied the London +square, and if he moved thither, he would certainly put himself into +danger; from Dover he had been driven by Lord Tom’s check--or rather +checque; France was occupied by his adversary’s queen; and the inland +watering-places were filled by knights and rooks, who were so placed +as to keep him at bay if he ventured near their quadrates. Eastbourne, +he had heard, was quiet and retired; and the fewer people there were +resident in it, the less chance he had of being known; and obscurity to +him, just at this particular moment, was, strange to say, desirable. +His various defeats must inevitably become known, a circumstance which +would speedily bring the game to an end; and his last check would, in +all probability, arrive without the accompanying cry of “mate” from any +of the ladies whom he had so assiduously besieged, so to Eastbourne he +proceeded as soon as the appointed chaise from “The Swan” overtook him. + +To those, to whom Nature has given a taste, the drive from Hastings to +Eastbourne is one full of interest; but Jack, who looked at Pevensey +Castle with a shudder on account of the owls and the ivy that were +about it, and considered the neighbouring martello towers as works of +coeval antiquity with its Roman brick walls, regarded with an “equal +eye” every other object, animate or inanimate, which he happened to +encounter or pass on his way to the place of his destination; and +most certainly, of all things that never entered his head, one never +was near it,--which is the fact, that we are indebted for the term +“merry-Andrew” to a native of the, at present, dullest little cluster +of houses in England--this very identical Pevensey itself. It was +there, that Andrew Borde, or, according to his own absurd latinization +of his name, Andreas Perforatus, first saw the light. He was educated +first at Winchester, and then at New College, where he studied physic, +and travelled over almost every part of the then known world. He +returned to England in 1542, took his doctor’s degree, and settled at +his native place, whence, finding the climate remarkable healthy, and +the people all exceedingly well, he proceeded to London, and became +first physician to Henry VIII. + +He was, however, a wag; and used to visit fairs and markets, and make +speeches to the people, and crack jokes, by way of advocating the cause +of medicine, and especially the use of those particular remedies, which +his eloquence went most highly to eulogize:--hence his _sobriquet_, +wherever he was known, was “Merry Andrew,”--a nickname which, in the +first instance, descended to his successors in practice, but who, in +course of time and the progress of refinement, ostensibly separated the +functions of fool and physician; and while the medical part devolved +upon the doctor, the mummery was confined to the merry-Andrew. + +Of this Borde--as I have mentioned him--I must add, that merry as he +was, and author as he was, of jest-books, and satires, and “books +of knowledge,” his eccentricity took another turn later in life, +and he practised all the austerities of the Carthusians,--a course +of discipline which might perhaps have well prepared him to endure +imprisonment in the Fleet prison, where he died in 1549. Some say he +poisoned himself; and others tell us that he was not incarcerated for +debt:--Wood, however, calls him “a noted poet, a witty and ingenious +person, and an excellent physician.” + +This little digression, for which I duly apologize, just brings our +hero to the door of the “Hotel” at Eastbourne, which, magnificently +as the word sounds, does not, in point of fact, possess the striking +attributes of its more lordly contemporaries. Jack rather liked its +unostentatious appearance, and entered it with one of his liveliest +expressions of countenance, skipping as usual, rather than stepping out +of his chaise into the hall. + +“Have rooms?” said Jack; “sitting and bed-room, eh?--all snug and +comfortable, and no mistake? Seen my servant down here, with the +phaeton, and my things.” + +“No, sir,” said the landlady, “I think not. What name, sir?” + +“Brag,” said Jack; “a young man--light weight--dark mixture frock, +leathers and tops, an olive-green phaeton, and pair of bright bays.” + +“No, sir,” said the hostess; “no such person has been here; perhaps he +has gone to ‘The Lamb,’ or the ‘New Inn,’ at South.” + +“Stupid dog!” said Brag; “perhaps he has. I told him ‘The Hotel,’ as +plain as I could speak.” + +“Shall we send and see, sir?” said the wily landlady. + +“I wish you would,” said Brag. “Where do you think he is gone?” + +“To ‘The Lamb,’ perhaps, sir,” said the mistress of the hotel. + +“Couldn’t mistake Lamb for Hotel!” replied our hero, looking as much +in earnest as if he really had expected the servant and equipage which +he so accurately described. “Never mind, I can do without him till +to-morrow, so don’t fuss yourself on my account. Just show me my room, +and I’ll order my dinner, and all that, and take a turn while it is +getting ready.” + +Those who are not acquainted with Eastbourne, and more especially, the +‘Sea Houses,’ which give their name to the _quartier_ in which Jack had +established himself, can scarcely believe how very agreeable a place +it is. It is true there is nothing like gaiety going on; there are no +crowded promenades; there are no grand balls--no house in the whole +groupe is spacious enough to enable a man to inflict a large party +on his friends; but everything around one is, though humble, clean, +fresh, and delightful. The two extreme points of the place at which +civilization ends are distinguished by buildings which in other days +would have afforded but little gratification to cockney ears. “The +Round House” is the _ultima Thule_ of the promenade in one direction, +and the “Watch-house” the termination of it at the other. These are, +however, but local and conventional terms, and in the height of the +season you will generally find some delightful family located in the +one, and at all seasons a gallant sea-officer stationed at the other. + +To enjoy the quiet of this peaceful village, for such it is, after +all the worries of the few preceding days, and “sniff the briny,” +which, although he did not admire its beauties, he admitted was +“uncommon refreshing,” was Jack’s first wish:--it might perhaps give +him an appetite; and then his wine would serve as a Lethean draft +after it; and then in the morning he should get up calm, and cool, and +comfortable, and seek his fortune at the Library, which to cockneys is +always a resource, and to Jack could not fail to be a very important +one. Accordingly, he hastened his “twilight,” and having calculated +the length of time required for dressing his fish and fowl, descended +the stairs, looking all fresh and smart, or, to use his own favourite +phrase, “as nice as nip!” + +“How long,” said Jack, pulling up his collars, “how long will it be +before my dinner is ready?” + +“About half an hour,” said the landlady. + +“What do you call your best wine here?” asked Jack. + +“All very good, sir, I believe,” was the reply. + +“What claret have you?” said Jack. + +“Very good Lafitte, sir--Chateau Margaut,” said mine hostess. + +“Oh--ah!” said Jack,--“any good Madeira--eh!--London Particular, and no +mistake!” + +“Our Madeira, sir,” said the landlady, “I am afraid is not quite so +good.” + +“Port and sherry, I suppose?” said Jack--“Kitchen wines, eh?” + +“Both excellent in their way, sir,” said the landlady. “We get our port +from Paxton, and our sherry from Toone.” + +“Very good names,” said Jack. “And champagne or hock?” + +“Both, sir,” replied the landlady. + +“Any ice in the house?” + +“Yes, sir.” + +“Oh, very well,” said Jack; “I’ll--see about it. My man is not come, I +suppose?” + +“No, sir.” + +“Nor the carriage?” + +“No, sir.” + +“In half an hour, you say, dinner will be ready?” said Jack. + +“Yes, sir,” said the hostess. + +“I like dining early by way of a change,” said Jack; “something new +after the infernal late hours of London. I’ll be in time, rely upon it, +and no mistake.” + +Saying which, he walked into his sitting-room, adjusted his hat on +one side of his head, pulled up his collars, and just giving himself +a sort of satisfactory shake before the looking-glass, sallied forth, +scarcely deigning to look at a man, of about his own size, dressed in +black, whose innocent mind he had been endeavouring to astonish, by the +dialogue which he had just concluded with the landlady on the subject +of the wines, and the ice, and the servant, and the carriage. + +The man of about his own size, in black, however, was not to be so +passed over. He came forward as Jack advanced, and rather startled our +hero by a peculiar interest which seemed to pervade his countenance, +as Jack moved across the hall towards the door with an air and manner +something between a swagger and a wriggle, smacking, as usual, his +boots with his “remarkably small whip,” and thinking he was doing it +all right, and no mistake! + +Jack cast a sort of contemptuous glance over the figure of his fellow +guest, with which he could scarcely avoid _favouring_ him, since he +seemed to force a notice of some sort from him. Who he could be, +Jack could not exactly comprehend;--In black--with a remarkably +bad hat;--too smart for an undertaker--not smart enough for a +parson--Village doctor perhaps, looking out for patients. No matter. +Heads or Tails, what did it signify to him? And away went Jack, +baffling the breeze, which blew right in his face, and came strong upon +him as he “opened” the sea between Weston’s shop and the library. + +There were but few promenaders, and in the library not more than +three persons; one of whom was peeping through the little hole +of a kaleidoscope, another poring over the list of subscribers, +and the third, standing just inside the half-opened door beating +the old gentleman’s tattoo with his fingers upon the window-pane. +Jack looked in, enjoyed for a moment the well-known smell of green +baize, white-brown paper, kid gloves, Windsor soap, varnish, and +lavender-water, with which such gay receptacles are generally redolent; +then turned out again, and walked as far as he could in the direction +of Beachy Head, the state of the tide and the nature of the shore +limiting his excursion thitherwards, however, to about two hundred +yards. + +Having done this, he followed the example of the other strollers, and +walked back again, extending his march beyond Mrs. Gilbert’s “Tea +Room,” and the life-boat, and concluding it by entering the garden of +the hotel, which opens to the beach, by which route he regained his +parlour, satisfied that the air was remarkably bracing, and the company +of the place as select as he could possibly wish it to be. + +The cloth was laid; everything prepared; and nothing appeared to be +wanting but the summons--the rub of the lamp to produce the Genius. +Jack rang the bell;--all was ready. The smoking fish came, leaping +like a salmon to the board, and in five minutes Jack was seated fork in +hand. + +“What wine do you take, sir?” said the waiter, who had heard the +conversation upon that particular subject which had passed between the +guest and his mistress in the hall. + +“Wine?” said Jack, “why, half a pint of sherry; and bring some small +beer, if it’s very good.” + +“Yes, sir,” said the waiter, and, it is needless to add, did as he was +bid. + +Jack certainly had been upset by the last night’s rencontre; but still, +as his stomach filled, and the genial influence of the cruet-full of +Toone’s super-excellent began to operate, he again reared his drooping +head; and resolving to care nothing for what could not be helped, +ordered a bottle of old port, and a bit of fire; for although the +season was young, yet the weather was coldish, and he felt chilly, +and besides, as one of the most beautiful women that ever fell into +solitude in the midst of a crowd once said to me--“To anybody who +lives so much alone as I do, a cheerful fire is company.” These simple +words sounded to _me_ deeply pathetic, and conveyed to my mind an idea +of the wretchedness of involuntary seclusion, which more eloquent +language, or a finer-turned phrase would perhaps not have produced. +That fair creature, however, once the gem-like centre of the circle she +brightened and adorned, is gone to her long account; and if retribution +were to be meted out to mortals in _this_ world, she would nearly have +atoned for all her faults before she left it. + +“Put down some dessert,” said Jack, “clap a log on the grate, draw the +curtains, and bring me the London paper.” + +“Yes, sir,” said the waiter, who implicitly obeyed the commands he +received, but still looked somehow suspiciously at Jack, not as +doubting his respectability and solvency, or even questioning the +bright vision of the groom and the phaeton, but as if expecting that +something was likely to happen in the course of the evening to mar the +comfort of the ‘cheerful fire-side.’ + +The paper came; Jack occupied two chairs, and it would be doing the +vain simpleton injustice to deny that as he sipped his wine his +thoughts reverted to his sister Kate. The chain, it is true, contained +many links, and one end of it was riveted to the counter of the +candle-shop; but still there is no man so callous, or so heartless, but +that at certain moments he “feels:”--Jack _did_ feel, and even went +the length of repenting many things which he had done, and regretting +that he had not done many others which he had neglected, and was really +getting quite amiable. There certainly _was_ a reason for this--he was +alone,--and had no game to play. + +From the reverie or rather slumber into which the heat of the fire, +the strength of the port wine, and the very long leading articles of +the newspaper which he was reading without understanding one syllable +contained in them, had thrown him, he was aroused in about three +quarters of an hour by the re-appearance of the waiter, who said that a +gentleman wished to speak a few words to him. + +“To me?” said Jack. + +“Mr. Brag, I believe, sir,” said the waiter. + +“Yes,” said Brag, “in course, that’s my name, and no mistake. What is +the gentleman’s name?” + +“I don’t know, sir,” said the waiter. “He is outside, sir.” + +“Desire him to come in,” said Jack, who concluded it was either the +master of the ceremonies to nail him for a subscription, or the +apothecary to secure a patient, or perhaps some of the parochial +authorities desirous of knowing whether he would wish the bells at +“South,” as they call it, to announce his arrival at the Sea Houses. + +The waiter opened the door, and all Jack’s suspicions were +confirmed when he beheld the man about his own size, dressed in the +shabby-genteel black, whom he had entirely astonished about the wines, +the ice, the servants, the horses and the carriage, in the hall before +dinner, enter the room with a low bow. + +The waiter retired, and shut the door. + +“I beg your pardon, sir,” said the shabby-genteel, holding his shocking +bad hat in his hand, “I believe, sir, your name is Brag?” + +“It is, sir,” said Jack. + +“Of Lower Grosvenor Street, in the Parish of St. George, Hanover +Square, Middlesex,” said the stranger. + +“Exactly so,” said Brag. + +“It is very curious, sir,” said the stranger, “that I should have been +lucky enough to meet with you here. I have been frequently to Grosvenor +Street, but the people there, said you never lived there. I heard, sir, +you had a house in Surrey, but I never could find out exactly where it +was. We did get a letter saying that the newspaper said you were gone +to Dover, and I should have gone over to that place from this, but +your arrival here saves me a great deal of trouble, and will make no +difference to you, sir.” + +“No,” said Jack, drawing his little legs off the second chair, and +sitting upright to look at his visitor,--“but may I just ask why you +happen to be so very anxious to see _me_?” + +“I am clerk, sir,” said the visitor, “to Messrs. Tapps, Tatlock, and +Shackleton, of Pump Court, Temple, and have been for these ten days +looking out to serve you with notice of action of trespass at the suit +of Thomas Grindleston of Wigglesford, in the county of Herts. We wrote +twice to you, sir, but, not getting any answer, and not knowing the +name of your solicitor, _my_ gentlemen ordered me to look after you at +Dover; but as I had some business here, on my way, the minute I heard +you asking for your carriage and servant, and mentioning your name, I +said to myself--‘That’s my gentleman.’--Here is the copy of the writ, +sir, which I now serve you with.” + +“Upon my life,” said Jack, “I don’t know what I have to do with this.” + +“It’s about the steeple chase, sir,” said the visitor, “of which +you had the management, and which did considerable damage to Mr. +Grindleston’s property.” + +“But,” said Jack, “there are hundreds of steeple chases in the course +of the year, and nobody is prosecuted.” + +“That is all according to taste, sir,” said the stranger. “Mr. +Grindleston, our client, sir, is not a sporting character, and +doesn’t exactly see why _you_, as having marked out the line, should +have chosen to draw it directly across his property;--even hunting a +fox, sir, over another man’s grounds, after the case decided by Lord +Ellenborough, (Earl of Essex against General Capel, 1809,) is held +to be a trespass. In the case of Merest and Harvey, the defendant +committed the trespass in the plaintiff’s presence after being warned +off--the jury there, sir, gave five hundred pounds damages; and Sir +Vicary Gibbs, who tried the case, refused a new trial, and said, +‘Suppose I had a walk before my house which I had a pleasure in looking +at or walking on, would it be allowed that a man should come and walk +there to my annoyance, and then offer me a halfpenny in satisfaction, +alleging that I had received no actual damage?’” + +“But what am I to do now, sir?” said Jack. + +“Nothing in the world, sir,” said the stranger; “just put that slip of +paper into your pocket, and the gentleman, whoever he may be, who is +concerned for you, will tell you all the rest.” + +“Sir,” said Jack, “I don’t understand this at all; I have no gentleman +who is concerned for me--nor lady either, as I begin to think; and I +don’t comprehend it--it’s all gibberish--moonshine--nonsense--straight +up, right down, and no mistake.” + +“No, sir, I will not trouble you any farther,” said the clerk; “_I_ +know there’s no mistake--but I have done my duty, sir, and I wish you +good evening. I would not have intruded till the morning,” added the +shabby genteel; “but I have a chance of a cast to Lewes to-night, and I +thought it best to lose no time.” + +“And who are your employers?” said Jack, who had just instinct +sufficient to know that he had got himself into a scrape. + +“Messrs. Tapps, Tatlock, and Shackleton, of Pump Court, Temple, sir,” +replied the clerk: “good evening, sir.” Saying which, the unwelcome +visitor disappeared, and closed the door after him. + +This was extremely agreeable; here was Brag saddled with an action +for trespass, singled out as the leader of the sport, and all the +burthens upon his mind crowned with a lawsuit, and all resulting from +his own empty vanity, in putting himself forward as the hero of the +day; a piece of absurdity rendered more objectionable to the plaintiff +Grindleston, because he thought proper to puff himself into possession +of the said plaintiff’s property. However, it was of no use thinking it +over, then--morning was the time for business; and so Jack, relieved +from the presence of the harpy, proceeded to read the paper and drink +his port, till he fell again into a profound slumber from which he +awoke only to ring the bell, order his candle, and go to bed. + + + + + CHAPTER VI. + + +The morning again dawned, and again was Brag “up and stirring.” He read +and reread the narrow strip of paper which had been fastened upon him +by the emissary from Messrs. Tapps, Tatlock, and Shackleton, of Pump +Court, and was very little the wiser for the information he derived +from its contents. Instinct, however, made him very much dislike the +affair, upon which, he concluded, he must consult some lawyer of +his own; but not having such an officer regularly retained in his +household, and knowing but little of the routine of legal business, he +proceeded, in the first instance, to act upon the directions of the imp +from whom he had received the “strip,” and put it into his pocket. + +During breakfast he seriously repeated the usual fruitless inquiries +after his servant and equipage, and received the anticipated negative +to his questions with an affectation of high displeasure, strengthened +by one of those brief but emphatic exclamations, which, if uttered +before one of his Majesty’s worshipful justices of the peace, would +have subjected him to a fine of five shillings. + +Having despatched his morning meal, he repaired to the stables, and +ran his eye over the horses which were standing in them,--at times +looked knowingly at some of the best,--and spoke technically to the +coachmen or grooms about some of the worst. One pair of coach-horses +particularly struck his fancy:--To whom did they belong?--was his +question to a servant, wearing bright orange plush unmentionables, +who was, without coat, waiscoat, or jacket, working away at one of +them, polishing him up to a degree of brightness and smoothness very +difficult of attainment in horse-skins at the sea-side. + +“Whose horses did you say these were?” said Jack. + +“Mrs. Peckover’s, sir,” said the man. + +“What!” said Jack--“the lady of my friend Mr. Heneage Peckover of +Womanswould in Kent?” + +“The same, sir,” said the servant. + +“Is Mr. Peckover dead?” said Jack. + +“Not particularly, sir,” said the man, continually rubbing and hissing +as hard as he well could; “on the contrary, he is as lively as ever.” + +“Because you said Mrs. Peckover’s horses,” said Jack. + +“Yes,” said the man, “we calls everything missus’s. What’s master’s is +her’s--and what’s her’s is her own, sir. Master don’t much interfere.” + +“Where are they staying?” said Jack. + +“At that house, sir,” said the man, stepping out of the stable-door and +pointing, “with the bow-window there, sir.” + +“Oh,” said Jack, “I must go and call on them.--Very fine pair of nags +as ever I clapped my eyes upon--good colour, shape, and make: fast +trotters, I take it.” + +“Uncommon, sir,” said the man, “and step together like winkin’.” + +“All right that,” said Jack, “and no mistake:”--and out he walked, +not sorry, however much he might wish for retirement, at finding an +acquaintance in the place, who was not very well known either to, +or by the persons with whom he, for the present, desired to have no +particular connexion. + +Jack had met Mr. Peckover out with hounds round London. He was a hale, +portly man, of some fifty-six, with rosy cheeks and strong limbs; the +voice of a Stentor; and a laugh which, when excited, might be heard “a +goodly league at sea.” + +It is said that men’s characters sometimes agree with their names, +although James Smith has given us an excellent song to exhibit “the +rule of contraries” in this particular. Certain it is, however, that +Heneage Peckover, of Womanswould in the county of Kent, Esq. was--tall +as he was, broad as he was, heavy as he was, and loud as he was--the +mere slave of his wife, from whom, it may be necessary to observe, he +had derived nearly the whole of the fortune which enabled him to make +the figure he made in society. What he originally _had_ been, history +has not accurately recorded; but the aristocratic character of the +former of his two names (christian-name it can scarcely be called) +led people to suppose that his connexions must somehow have been of a +superior order. + +Jack had never seen the lady,--nor indeed had any of the “friends” with +whom Mr. Peckover was in the habit of hunting.--Not to hear of her, +after having been five minutes in her husband’s society, would have +been impossible. It was not enough that she directed his conduct and +controlled his actions; nor that he paid her every deference whilst in +her society, and followed her instructions with the implicit obedience +of a well-broken spaniel, whenever she thought fit to fulminate them. +The habit of submission was so strongly impressed upon his mind, +that it had induced something like a veneration for her opinions and +decisions, by which his whole conduct in life was regulated; so that +although, when away from her, he really was what may be called a +capital jolly country gentleman; and laughed, and joked, in _his_ way, +with the greatest earnestness and fervour, still he had neither taste +nor judgment of his own; and his conversation was therefore made up of +continued references to “Mrs. Peckover,” and her views, her opinions, +her _dicta_, and her decisions upon all subjects, which were rendered +the more strikingly absurd to his ordinary companions, inasmuch as they +had never seen the lady, nor ever were likely to see her, since she +peremptorily declined receiving her husband’s sporting acquaintance, +the exclusion of whom from _her_ house, (as she invariably called it,) +was the condition alone upon which she permitted him to enjoy what are +called the pleasures of the chase. + +The extent of the present scene of action was so small, that all the +inhabitants of the comfortable Kraal were visible to each other in the +course of any one hour of any one day; and not much more than half that +period of time had elapsed, when Jack espied his friend walking with +Colonel Stiffkey, whom he also knew, from having met him occasionally +at Mrs. Dallington’s. This was rather a drawback to the gratification +he experienced in seeing Mr. Peckover, who looked glowingly bright; his +rubicund face shining well over a buttoned-up blue coat, “leathers” of +the old school, and “tops” to match. + +“Bless my soul!--Mr. Brag,” exclaimed Peckover; “who the deuce would +have thought of finding you here?” + +“I might say the same to you, sir,” said Jack. “How d’ye do, sir? +Needn’t ask--charming well, I am sure.”--“How d’ye do, Colonel?” added +Brag, waiting to see what sort of recognition the colonel would afford +him. + +The Colonel’s “Quite well!” was as gracious as possible. + +“As for _me_,” said Peckover, “Mrs. Peckover says she never saw me +looking better. True enough;--I’m hearty and hale, and all _that_--ha, +ha, ha! Are you come to stay here, Mr. Brag?” + +“For some time, I think,” said Brag. “I have just got away from the +Ilfracombes, and the Dawlishes, and Lord Tom, who have been at Dover. +Lord Tom wanted me to go to Paris to ride his horses, but I know a +trick worth two of that--sure of a wrangle wherever he is concerned; so +I backed out, smack, smooth, and no mistake.” + +“Mrs. Peckover says,” said Peckover, “that horse-racing is but ticklish +work, after all:-too much in the hands of other people--jockeys, +trainers, and friends--eh?--ha, ha, ha!” + +“I never have been on the turf,” said Stiffkey, with an air of +self-satisfaction which would have induced anybody who did not know +him, to believe that his abstinence had not proceeded from the positive +want of money and horses. + +“Mr. Brag,” said Peckover, “is a capital jockey, if you come to that. +Well--where do you dine to day?” + +This question was asked, first, in the hope that Brag was engaged; and +secondly, because Peckover flattered himself that he could prevail +upon his lady to admit him and the colonel to her table, by explaining +to her that the colonel was _not_ one of his hunting friends, and +concealing from her the fact that Brag _was_. + +“I am not engaged anywhere,” said Brag--“I’m at the hotel.” + +“So am I,” said the Colonel. + +“I’m sure Mrs. Peckover will be delighted to see you,” said Heneage. +“She dines at six--‘because,’ as, she says, ‘early hours, good air, +and plain feeding, are good for one’s health’--and I believe it to be +so--ha, ha, ha!” + +“I shall be most happy,” said the Colonel. + +“And I,” said Jack. + +“That’s a large ship in the offing,” said the Colonel. + +“Mrs. Peckover tells me she thinks it’s a man-of-war,” said Peckover. +“I don’t know much about ships, but I dare say it is. She has been +watching it through her glass.” + +“For a sea place,” said Jack, “this is uncommon snug--and I like the +look of the country round it.” + +“Why,” said Peckover, “Mrs. Peckover’s opinion is, that the mixture of +trees, and sea, and corn-fields, and downs, and good roads, and fine +cliffs, is extremely beautiful. For my own part, I don’t profess to +know much about such things; but I take it all as it comes. Ha, ha, ha!” + +“That’s the only way to get on in this world,” said the Colonel. “Pray +have you been over to Hurstmonceaux?” added the gallant officer. + +“No,” said Peckover; “Mrs. Peckover went there last Tuesday, I think +it was. She has great taste for ruins, and remnants, and relics, and +all that. She took over two or three young ladies, the Miss Gubbinses, +who are here, and there was no room for me in the carriage, so I staid +here, and played billiards with the marker’s boy till she came back.” + +“There seems to be no news in the London papers this morning?” said the +Colonel. + +“No,” said his friend; “Mrs. Peckover tells _me_, that if Russia, +Austria, and Prussia were to join against France, the odds would be +greatly in favour of the coalition; but I don’t trouble my head much +about politics. Ha, ha, ha!” + +“Well,” said Brag, “is there anything to see near at hand? Where is +what they call ‘South,’ because I suspect my fool of a servant has lost +himself and my phaeton, somewhere in the Wilds of Sussex, and I may, +perhaps find him stalled up at ‘The Lamb,’ I think the hotel people +call it.” + +“Oh, ah!” said Peckover; “South--they call it South, Mrs. Peckover +tells me, to distinguish it from East, which they call this. Mrs. +Peckover gets all our meat from a butcher at South. I’ll walk with you.” + +“With all my heart,” said the Colonel. + +“That’s right!” said Jack; “I think a toddle along the road will do us +good, and no mistake!” + +“Mrs. Peckover says walking exercise is the best,” said her husband, +“yet, somehow, she generally drives about herself; however, I don’t +pretend to understand these matters. Ha! ha! ha! Come, let’s start.” + +And away the trio went, Jack extremely well pleased with his +reception, and resolved to keep quiet and easy, more than ever struck +with his fat friend’s perpetual reference to his better half, and +convinced, by Colonel Stiffkey’s manner towards him, that he had not +been enlightened in any degree upon the subject of the affair with Mrs. +Dallington and Miss Englefield. + +The day was delightful, and they had got on the road just as far as +where foot passengers generally strike into the fields, when Brag +perceived a man, who, by the azure hue of his coat, and the bright +orange-colour of his plushes, he knew to be one of Peckover’s footmen, +coming at what he considered a splitting pace in pursuit of them. + +“One of your servants, I think,” said Jack. + +“Oh,” said Peckover, “most probably Mrs. Peckover wishes to be of our +party.--Well, Stephen, what is it?” + +“My missus, sir,” said Stephen, “wants you to come in, if you please.” + +“Oh, come in, does she?” said the Herculean infant;--“Why doesn’t she +come out?--it would do her a vast deal more good. What, is she in the +house?” + +“Yes, sir,” said Stephen, “and bid me say she was waiting.” + +“Why, then, gentlemen,” said Peckover, “I am afraid I must leave you. I +know she has some project for this morning, but I don’t pretend to know +anything of her movements.--I’m coming, Stephen.--I’ll just step home, +and if I can get away I’ll follow you--only don’t mind _me_. Back at +six;--don’t forget--punctual to the minute, for as Mrs. Peckover says, +you can never expect to have a good dinner or a good cook, if you are +not punctual--so mind. Ha, ha, ha!” + +“Never fear,” said Jack; “I’ll be at the post, afore the bell rings for +saddling, and no mistake.” + +“And I will be the very shadow of Mr. Brag,” said the Colonel. + +“That’s one of the comforts of matrimony,” said the Colonel, after +watching Peckover’s hurried return homewards. “That gentle giant is +tied to his lady’s apron string, and beyond its tether, wander he must +not.” + +“I think,” said Jack, “if I was as big as he, I should try if I +couldn’t break it.” + +“Did you ever see Mrs. Peckover?” said the Colonel. + +“Never set eyes on her,” replied Jack. + +“She is a delicate looking woman,” said the Colonel; “her figure +small and slight; her nose long, her mouth wide, her voice shrill, +and her tongue exhibiting to the curious in ‘natural mechanism’ the +long-sought-for desideratum of perpetual motion. The only relief she +gives that active member, or her husband, is when she is sulky, upon +which occasions she keeps him sitting in her boudoir, or wherever it +may be, the whole day, without letting him stir out, or speaking a +syllable to him while he stays at home.” + +“But why does not he kick?” said Jack;--“rebel; run rusty?” + +“Because he believes her to be the cleverest woman in all the world,” +said the Colonel. “As for disputing the excellence of her taste, or +doubting the infallibility of her opinions, he would as soon think of +flying; and such has been the nature of her management in breaking him +in, that he does not in the slightest degree consider her tyranny as +oppressive; on the contrary, he thinks her so far above every other +living creature, that his homage and submission are voluntary tributes +to her perfection.” + +“I suppose,” said Jack, “we must not venture to contradict anything she +says at dinner, even in the way of joke?” + +“You need not be apprehensive of her doing anything in that line,” said +the Colonel. “I once, and only once, dined with them at their place +Womanswould, and she took offence in the early part of dinner because +Peckover drank wine with somebody without asking _her_ which wine he +ought to drink; and from that moment she stopped her loquacity dead +short, and moped for the rest of the evening.” + +“Wouldn’t it be a good thing to affront her a little at starting?” +said Jack; “perhaps it might give him a chance of throwing in a word.” + +“Not a bit,” said the Colonel: “if _she_ won’t speak, _he_ mustn’t; so +we should have to keep up the ball between us, unless one or two of +those Miss Gubbinses, who are a good deal with her, should happen to +be of the party. However, we must trust to Fate.--You say you are just +from Dover?” + +“Came off the day before yesterday,” said Jack. + +“Did you happen to see some old friends of mine there?” said the +Colonel--“the Gunnersburys?” + +“Oh, yes,” said Jack; “I dined there the day before I left. Very +pleasant party. The Dullinghams, and Sir Henry Rockley, and a Mr. and +Mrs. Carnaby. What a queer body Lady Gunnersbury is!” + +“Monstrous spirits,” said the Colonel. + +“Talk of perpetual motion,” said Jack; “I think she’d give Mrs. +Peckover two stone and a distance, and beat her in a canter.” + +“Yes, she is an entertaining old lady,” said the Colonel. + +“To be sure, how she did go on!” said Jack. + +“It is through _her_,” said Stiffkey, “that I am connected with the +family. She is my great-aunt; and I mean to pay them a visit before I +go to London. Indeed, George Gunnersbury has more than half promised to +come over to me here, and in that case we should return together. He is +a capital fellow!” + +“Oh, very pleasant indeed!” said Jack. + +“He has more real fun about him when he is in a good humour, than +anybody I know,” said Stiffkey. + +“Yes,” thought Jack, may be so--at the same moment congratulating +himself that the Colonel’s developement of his connexion with the +family, saved him from something very like a repetition of the +Dullingham affair, out of which he had so recently escaped. + +“By the way,” said the Colonel, wishing, as it should seem, to vary the +topics of conversation to suit Jack’s particular taste, “when did you +see our fair friends, the widow and her sister?” + +“The day before I left town,” said Jack; “I--in fact--I thought it +better to--withdraw. I like candour--hate what I call sham-abraham. +Give me sincerity--all straight up, right down, and no mistake. And I +thought in my own mind that they were playing what I call a shuffling +game. It looked somehow like a regular cross.” + +“I don’t exactly see,” said the Colonel. + +“Why, what I say, Colonel, is this,” said Jack;--“if you mean a thing, +say so; and if you don’t mean it, don’t go on worriting and fretting +people about nothing. I saw that Lydiard and Rushton,--two deuced good +fellows in their way--were making themselves miserable about these two +females, so I says to Lydiard, says I, ‘Put a face upon this; don’t be +trifled with:’--and I said the same to Rushton:--and, in course,--as +I know the sex, and shouldn’t speak without knowing regularly what I +was about,--they took my advice: and I’m sure--as you know all the +parties, and,--in course, we are tiled--I brought the whole thing +about, smack, smooth, and no mistake whatever:--opened their eyes to +their own situation; and the night before I left town,--which I did in +uncommon high glee at having made up the matter,--I set them down to +supper, two regular couple, all wrangles over--and _they_, matched for +life as nice as nip, and no mistake.” + +It was Jack’s misfortune, whenever he became eloquent, to fall +immediately into his own peculiar style of oratory; and this burst, to +which he had been encouraged by the colonel’s evident ignorance of all +the real facts, brought the gallant officer’s eyes into an almost full +stare of astonishment at the mode in which his voluble, volatile friend +expressed himself. + +“I have thought sometimes,” said the Colonel, “when I have had the +pleasure of meeting you there, that you were in the field yourself. It +struck me that you thought Miss Englefield’s singing very charming.” + +“So I did,” said Jack, still clinging to the _eclat_ of having been +favoured by anything so charming as Blanche, and yet wishing to convey +the idea that he had been smiled on by both--“so I did; but then I +was taken uncommonly by Mrs. Dallington’s talking. They are both +delightful creechurs! No: I admired them both as a friend--a sincere +friend--nothing more; and so I thought the best thing I could do was, +to pair them off with the men whom they liked, and who liked them.” + +“Most marvellous self-denial!” said the Colonel. + +By this time they had reached “South,” and the colonel accompanied Brag +to “The New Inn,” and thence to “The Lamb,” in order that he might +go through the ceremony of enquiring for his “fool of a servant, and +his phaeton,” which, to do his acting credit, he performed with the +greatest apparent earnestness. + +These matters adjusted, they returned by a circuitous route, and as +they were wending their way through the open gardens at the back of +“The Sea Houses,” they beheld the glittering equipage of Mrs. Peckover +trailing along the road, containing herself and her two favourite +friends, the Gubbinses, and proceeding towards Westham and Pevensey. + +“Our friend, taking the air,” said the Colonel. + +“Mr. P. isn’t there?” said Jack. + +“No, she very seldom takes him out with her,” said the Colonel. “She +says he is too big for the inside of the carriage, and she cannot +dispense with her footman, who, upon these occasions, shares the box +with the coachman. I dare say we shall find him somewhere about; or +perhaps she has sent him to pick up laver for her, which is found here +in plenty and perfection.” + +“Well,” said Jack, “if I were Mr. Peckover, sooner than stand _that_, I +would dig stones in a quarry on my own account.” + +“There is no accounting for taste,” said the Colonel; “besides, +there are secrets in all families, and we do not perhaps know what +the reciprocal obligations of the parties to each other may be; one +thing is certain, he wears his chains merrily. I never saw a man more +perfectly happy: however, let us proceed to the library, where, if +his lady-wife have not ordered him on some fatigue-party, we shall in +all probability find him knocking the balls about as usual, either by +himself or with the marker’s boy.” + +Anything makes a pursuit at a watering-place. A glassblower, whose +performances have been before your eyes for years in London, without +exciting your attention in the slightest degree, at a watering-place +becomes an object of wonder and surprise;--a sick rattle-snake, who +would slumber unseen and disregarded in his flannel waistcoat, at the +Zoological Gardens in London, is visited with the greatest avidity: and +a fish caught the night before, which happens to be two feet longer, or +one foot thicker, than fishes of the same kind generally are, attracts +a crowd of astonished spectators, and elicits a thousand interesting +remarks and observations. + +It turned out that Mr. Peckover was not at the library, nor was he +gathering laver; on the contrary, he was sitting on a bench facing the +sea, at which he was looking wistfully, and evidently much depressed. +When he saw Brag and the colonel advancing, he rose to meet them--and +they perceived in a moment that something had worried him. + +“I am glad I have found you,” said he. “Upon my life! I am almost +ashamed to say what I am going to say:--Mrs. Peckover tells me that +she has engaged herself to go to Hastings to buy some French things at +a smuggling shop, and that she shan’t be able to have the pleasure of +receiving you at dinner to-day.” + +“Oh,” said the Colonel, “never mind--don’t care about _that_:--some +other day. As Mr. Brag and I are both staying at the same hotel, we can +have our little “_portions_” _tête-à-tête_, and you’ll let us come to +you when you are quite disengaged.” + +“I saw the carriage going along the road,” said Jack:--“capital +steppers those bays--never saw better: all right that, sir, and no +mistake.” + +“Why! Mrs. Peckover tells _me_,” said the husband, “that the Marquess +of Whitechapel says they are the best pair of carriage-horses in +London. I don’t trouble myself much about carriage-horses--she +does:--ha, ha, ha!” + +“But suppose,” said the Colonel, “as Mrs. Peckover will not be back in +time for dinner, that you were to join us, _en garçon_, at the hotel.” + +“Why,” said Peckover, “that would be very agreeable; but if that were +to be the order of the day, you two might as well dine with _me_ _en +garçon_, at our house; only you see, Mrs. Peckover tells me that she +shall be back early, and--” + +“Well,” said the Colonel, “but see, if we were to dine with _you_, we +might be in the way of Mrs. Peckover and her _dames d’honneur_, when +they returned, tired, perhaps, with the excursion; but if _you_ came to +us--” + +“Ah!” said the obedient husband, “I don’t think Mrs. Peckover would +like _that_--no, I must be at home to receive her; besides, there are +several letters which Mrs. Peckover has desired me to write--and--no, +some other time Mrs. Peckover will be most happy to receive you; so let +it be as it is. I am very sorry I did not consult her beforehand. I +did not know of her engagement; have you forgiven me, gentlemen?” + +“Oh, in course,” said Jack, “and many thanks for your offer.” + +“Well,” said the Colonel to Brag, “then we had better go to our inn, +and order our dinner; we will dine early, if you please.” + +“Whenever you like,” said Jack. “I’m always agreeable, and no mistake.” + +Jack--upon whose heart or mind, events which would have been of killing +interest to others, made no deep impression--was so pleased by the +encouragement of Colonel Stiffkey, that he entirely “forgot his own +griefs.” The melancholy fate of his sister, now and then flashed across +his mind, but since he had ascertained the nature of her defection, +he was less anxious for a letter from his mother, upon the subject. +His defeat at the widow’s had almost become a matter of joke with him; +his rejection by Lord Tom was counterbalanced by the receipt of the +money he had recovered from him, and so upon casting his eye over the +balance-sheet, the debtor and creditor sides seemed pretty equal; and +just now the turn lay rather on the credit side, since he had made good +his footing with his fashionable companion. + +Still, one of those clouds which must almost constantly hang over the +heads of quacks and pretenders, was rising in the horizon, in the shape +of the arrival of young Gunnersbury. To quit Eastbourne, where he had +strangely enough secured the society of such a man as Stiffkey, was +most painful. Stiffkey looked down with an air of placid contempt upon +the few inhabitants of Sea Houses, and yet he strolled about familiarly +with Jack. This was agreeable in the highest degree to the little +man’s vanity, although really and truly the gay colonel fell into the +association without reflecting or thinking about it for one moment. He +had met Brag in good society, and in places where he felt evidently +at home; he had heard Lord Tom speak of him in high terms, as what is +called a “sporting chap,” and, moreover, he was somebody to talk to. +There can be little doubt if a more aristocratic friend had arrived, +Jack would have been cast off; for the colonel was one of those who, +soaring eagle-high above the Brags of Jack’s school, was known as one +of the most decided tuft-hunters about town. + +The colonel, too, observed with great care the different grades and +degrees of the peerage in the selection of the invitations which he +received; like Brag, he possessed, only upon the greater scale, what +Foote calls, “the paltry ambition of levying and following titles; the +poverty of fastening upon men of distinction in public, for no other +reason but because of their rank, adhering to Sir John till the baronet +is superseded by my lord, quitting the puny peer for an earl, and +sacrificing all three to a duke.” + +It is greatly to be lamented in the present much-complained-of--how +justly I do not pretend to decide--absence of talent in dramatic +writing, that the rich and abundant humour of Foote, should, because it +is certainly overlaid by much of that, which, in these days of delicacy +and refinement would not be endured upon the stage, be altogether lost. +Having quoted a line or two from one of his comedies, illustrative of +Colonel Stiffkey’s passion for tufts, I cannot resist the temptation +of extracting that part of the scene, in the “Lame Lover,” in which +he justifies the young lady’s expressed opinion of his addiction to +titles, and practically works it out. The passage is curious as well +as humorous--humorous, because the satire strikes at all ages; and +curious, inasmuch as in twenty lines it familiarises us with customs +and habits characteristic of the time at which it was written (the year +1770), of which now no trace or vestige remains. + +Sir Luke, the tuft-hunter, is on the stage, with Serjeant Circuit and +Charlotte, a servant enters and delivers a card to Sir Luke. + +SIR LUKE. + +(_Reads_) “Sir Gregory Goose desires the honour of Sir Luke Limp’s +company to dine. An answer is desired.”--Gad-so! a little unlucky--I +have been engaged for these three weeks. + +SERJEANT. + +I find Sir Gregory is returned for the corporation of Fleece’em. + +SIR LUKE. + +Is he?--Oh, ho!--that alters the case.--George, give my compliments to +Sir Gregory, and say I’ll certainly come and dine there.--Order Joe to +run to Alderman Inkle’s, in Threadneedle-street: sorry can’t wait upon +him; but confined to my bed for two days with the influenza. + +CHARLOTTE. + +You make light, Sir Luke, of this sort of engagements? + +SIR LUKE. + +What can a man do? These fellows (when one has the misfortune to meet +them) take scandalous advantage; teazing one with, “Pray when will you +do me the honour, Sir Luke, to take your mutton with me? Do name the +day.” What’s to be done?--they are as bad as a beggar, who attacks your +coach going up-hill, there’s no getting rid of either without a penny +to one, and a promise to the other; not but that upon these occasions +there is no man in England more punctual than-- + +_Enter a servant, who gives_ SIR LUKE _a letter_.--From whom? + +SERVANT. + +The Earl of Brentford, Sir Luke. The servant waits for an answer. + +SIR LUKE. + +Answer!--By your leave, Mr. Serjeant and Charlotte. (_Reads._) “Taste +for music!”--umph!--“Mons. Dupont--fail--dinner upon table at five.” +Gad-so!--I hope Sir Gregory’s servant is not gone. + +SERVANT. + +Immediately, sir, on receiving the answer. + +SIR LUKE. + +Run after him, as fast as you can. Tell him--“quite in +despair:--recollect an engagement that can’t in nature be missed:”--and +be back in an instant. + + [_Servant runs out._ + +CHARLOTTE. + +You see, sir, the knight must give way to my lord. + +SIR LUKE. + +No: it isn’t that, my dear Charlotte. You saw that it was quite an +extempore business. No, it isn’t for the title; but, to tell you the +truth, Brentford has more talent than any man in the world: it is +_that_, which makes me fond of his house. + +CHARLOTTE. + +By the choice of his company he gives an unanswerable instance of +_that_. + +SIR LUKE. + +You are right, my dear girl. But now, to give you a proof of his +wit:--Brentford’s finances are a little out of repair, which procures +him some visits he would very gladly excuse. One morning a Welsh +coachmaker came to him with his bill; my lord had him up. “You are +called Mr. Lloyd, I think?” said Brentford. “At your lordship’s +service, my lord.” “What!--Lloyd with an L?” “With an L, my lord,” +said the coachmaker. “--Because,” said my lord, “I have heard that in +_your_ part of the world, Lloyd and Floyd are synonymous--the very +same names.” “Always, my lord,” said the coachmaker. “That,” says my +lord, “is rather unlucky: for, you must know, I am paying off my debts +alphabetically; and in four or five years you _might_ have come in +with an F; but I can give you very slight hopes for your L.”--Ha, ha, +ha!--(_Enter a servant abruptly, who runs against_ SIR LUKE.)--Can’t +you see where you are running? you rascal! + +SERVANT. + +Sir, his grace the Duke of ---- + +SIR LUKE. + +Grace!--where is he?--where? + +SERVANT. + +In his coach at the door. If you a’n’t better engaged, would be glad of +your company to go into the City, and take a dinner at Dolly’s. + +SIR LUKE. + +In his own coach, did you say? + +SERVANT. + +Yes, sir. + +SIR LUKE. + +With the coronets--or----? + +SERVANT. + +I believe so. + +SIR LUKE. + +There’s no resisting that:--bid John run to Sir Gregory Goose’s. + +SERVANT. + +He is already gone to Alderman Inkle’s. + +SIR LUKE. + +Then do you step to the knight’s. Hey!--no--you must go to my lord’s. +Hold, hold!--no--I have it:--step first to Sir Greg’s; then pop in at +Lord Brentford’s, just as the company are going to dinner. + +SERVANT. + +What shall I say to Sir Gregory? + +SIR LUKE. + +Anything!--what I told you before. + +SERVANT. + +And what to my lord? + +SIR LUKE. + +What?--why, tell him that my uncle from Epsom----no,--that won’t +do,--for he knows I don’t care a farthing for _him_. Hey!--tell +him--hold!--I have it:--tell him, that as I was getting into my +chair, to obey his lordship’s commands, I was arrested by a couple of +bailiffs, forced into a hackney-coach, and carried to “The Pied Bull” +in the Borough.--I beg ten thousand pardons for keeping his grace +waiting--but his grace knows my misfor---- + +And away goes Sir Luke, without taking the slightest notice of either +his learned friend the serjeant, or the dear girl Charlotte, both of +whom he leaves perfectly satisfied with the justness of the character +the latter had drawn of her “lame lover.” + +The spirit of this bit, and the peculiarities of contemporaneous +society which it exhibits, will perhaps excuse the quotation. The duke +inviting the knight to a dinner at Dolly’s; the knight getting into +his chair to go to dine with the earl, and resting his apology upon an +arrest by bailiffs, and a transfer to “The Pied Bull” in the Borough, +all sound marvellously strange to modern ears: and yet there are still +those alive who well remember Foote, and who speak of him as a correct +painter of manners, and whose inherent humour received additional +brilliancy from his unquestioned power of “holding the mirror up to +Nature.” + +Stiffkey, however, was not Limp, and when he and Jack strolled to +the hotel to order their repast, his countenance brightened up +considerably when the waiter handed him a letter, which had been sent +over by somebody coming from Hailsham, to which place it had been +forwarded by the cross-road coach from Dover, and which he in a moment +recognised as being from George Gunnersbury. His announcement to Jack +of this happy arrival was not quite so well received by the little +gentleman in the cords as he imagined it might have been. + +Jack walked about the room while his new friend was reading the +despatch, very much in doubt what the nature of its contents might be; +and hoping, with all possible fervour and earnestness, that at all +events it might announce some insurmountable obstacle in the way of the +writer’s visit to Eastbourne. + +“Gad!” said Stiffkey, “George is a capital fellow; he will be here +to-morrow afternoon; he writes the best letter of any fellow I know: he +is particularly shy to strangers, but when one knows him thoroughly, +his sly humour, that I spoke of this morning, is capital. He gives +a description of a dinner party they had the other day, which is +admirable. He says, ‘My dear good father, who is certainly the +best-disposed general in his Majesty’s service, contrives to pick up +the oddest tigers imaginable; we had a day or two ago a German baron, +who spoke no English, and, as nobody in our family, except my sister +Eliza, understands three words of German, the poor gentleman--or, by +courtesy--nobleman, had a bad time of it; but we had also a fellow +presented to us, under the fostering protection of a worthy friend +of ours, who beat anything I had ever seen out of a travelling +caravan,--an animal which certainly talked, and was therefore human, +otherwise I should have taken it for an astounding cross in the breed +between an ape and a horse-jockey: he affronted half the party, after +having disgusted all of it, and made his escape from a pelting of +decanters and wine-glasses by affecting to save some people from a +stranded brig, near which he never went, but, instead of venturing +ancle-deep into the water to rescue the sufferers, retired to bed +‘half-seas-over,’ at least, so I have heard; but of these matters we +will discourse more anon. I will be with you by six at the latest.’” + +“Capital fun,” said the Colonel, “isn’t it? A cross between an ape and +a horse-jockey! uncommon good!” + +“Deuced funny, indeed!” said Jack, whipping his boots; “that’s a +capital fellow,--eh? straight up, right down, and no mistake. We +_shall_ have fun when _he_ comes.” + +The detestation which Mr. George Gunnersbury’s personal conduct had +engendered in Jack’s heart in the first instance, had now grown to +its fullest growth; nor was it in the slightest degree qualified by +the accidental omission of his name, or that of his introducer, (as +Jack called it,) which would certainly have rendered the rest of the +day more disagreeable than it promised to be in the company of the +colonel. For the next, Jack, “in course,” was prepared,--a letter from +Town would call him away; and so everything seemed at the moment to +turn up well, out of all the ills that threatened him; his mother’s +answer to his letter from Hythe would, in all probability, come to +hand in the morning, which would give an air of consistency to his +sudden departure, and satisfy his aristocratic friend of the absolute +necessity for breaking up the agreeable party. + +After having ordered dinner, the colonel and Jack strolled down on to +the sands, wrote words on the sand with their sticks; sat down on the +shingle; then wandered towards the watch-house; then came back and +talked to the vestals at the baths,--inquired about laver,--found it +too early in the season to have it good; then looked at the half-dozen +carriages which were standing in the coach-house of the hotel; then +went to Weston’s, and bought some gingerbread nuts; then into the +Library, and played with a little ball that went into a hole at the +top of a twisted tube, and came out at the bottom, and rolled about +a little, and at last settled into a hole of its own; then Stiffkey +looked through a glass, and saw a schooner pitching disagreeably, and +Jack went out and helped a little fat-faced child who wore a straw hat +and feather, and trousers, and scarlet morocco slippers, on to the +back of a donkey; and then the colonel puffed little pellets out of a +pea-shooter, across the shop, at a doll, which one of the young ladies +of the establishment immediately removed; and then Jack looked up at a +little bay-window where a prettyish girl was sitting, who immediately +got up and pulled the blind down; and then they both betook themselves +to throwing stones from the beach into the sea, during which operation +they had the satisfaction of seeing Mrs. Peckover and her party draw +up to the door of _her_ house, it then wanting one hour of their time +of dining, and at least two of that, at which Peckover proposed their +dining with _him_. This settled that affair, and convinced them, as +Mrs. Peckover intended it should, that into _her_ house no such persons +as Jack should set foot. The colonel might have been received; but +the moment that Mrs. Peckover, with her lynx eyes, perceived Jack’s +unfortunate white cords and tops, from her balcony, _his_ fate was +decided. She taxed Peckover with the fact of his being one of his +hunting friends, and P. could not endure the trial;--it was so,--and +admitted,--but then, Mrs. Peckover knew everything intuitively. + +In divers and sundry pursuits, equally interesting and exciting with +those which have just been described, the two new friends killed the +enemy, until it was time to dress for dinner; they accordingly repaired +to their rooms, Stiffkey’s servant being in readiness to attend him, +and Jack swearing at the incalculable stupidity of his man who was not +there to dress _him_. Jack affected to bear it all with good-nature and +complacency, and it all went very well till he actually found himself +alone, and then it was that he began to calculate whither he should +next go,--for go he must; the arrival of the hated Gunnersbury would +be the signal for his extinction and extermination; but thought Jack, +“At all events, I’m safe till the morning; and then the letter, and all +that, will get me clear off, if it comes; and if it don’t, I must write +one myself.” + +Accordingly Jack proceeded to dress, and made himself look uncommon +nice, with an olive-green coat, and a Pomona-green waistcoat, and a +pair of uncommonly smart black kerseymere trousers, with stockings and +shoes to match: in short, he felt that he had done it; and when he +made allowance for the absence of a servant, the approbation of his +elegant friend would no doubt be unqualified: and so down he went to +the dining-room, where, in a few minutes, he was joined by Stiffkey, +who without any effort had achieved that, which Jack could never have +accomplished with a two-hundred horse power. He looked like a gentleman. + +The dinner was served, and put down. Stiffkey proposed some of Toone’s +sherry, and one bottle of champaign between the two;--should it be +_moussu_?--well iced;--certainly--the soup was--soup;--the fish not +entirely blameable, and whatever other things there were, were all +tolerable,--each in its way. Claret followed the champaign; and in +about half an hour after they sat down, they were tranquilly sipping +their wine, with a few watering-place pears and cricket-ball peaches +by way of dessert, discoursing upon topics the most interesting and +agreeable. + +“If I stayed here,” said the colonel, “I should get some house or +lodging; this hotel is all very well, but it isn’t quite the thing; +and yet I don’t know about a house for a single man,--and, probably, I +shall go back with George in two or three days.” + +“There’s certainly a difference,” said Jack, “between this and the +‘Ship’ at Dover: the ‘Ship’ is, in course, the only house fit to go to +there: for my own part, I think that _is_ the worst of travelling;--the +chances and changes,--and then to be ‘run to earth’ here without a +slavey. It is the very deuce,--eh!--uncommon slow, and no mistake.” + +“Help yourself to some claret,” said the colonel, cracking a biscuit; +“yes,--it _is_ a bore to be sure. I think you live in Grosvenor street, +when you are in town?--at least I have seen your name on a door there.” + +“Yes,” said Jack; “I’m very little at home;--I’m what you call, +everywhere;--I hate being still; whenever I can, I run down to a little +place I have out of town, where I shut myself up whenever I am able.” + +“Have you much wood about your place?” said Stiffkey. + +Jack recollected the carpenter’s-shop, and said, confidently,--“Yes, +lots.” + +“Well,” said the colonel, “I declare I thought you would have married +that Mrs. Dallington.” + +“No,” said Jack; “there are many things more than meet the ear;--there +_are_ objections,--so I made way for those, who couldn’t make their +own.” + +At this moment the waiter entered the room, and announced that the +London coach had just arrived, and that a lady and gentleman, on the +outside, were inquiring for Mr. Brag. + +“For me!” said Jack, a thousand horrid ideas rushing into his brain. + +“Yes, sir,” said the waiter, “they are in the hall.” + +This announcement startled Jack most tremendously:--a lady enquiring +for him--just arrived. Who could it be?--neither the widow Dallington +nor Miss Blanche Englefield--certainly not. But might it not be +Anne--Nancy? That she had been most violently agitated at beholding +him, was perfectly certain; that the only account he had received of +her feelings or wishes as to breaking off their acquaintance for ever, +was derived from her husband, who might have assumed a tone which, +after all he was not justified by facts in adopting. Perhaps she still +loved him,--still resolved to prove her affection: after struggling +for years, her firmness had yielded, and she had eloped from her new +husband to pass the rest of her life with him. + +The first flash of this thought was delightful: +interest--adventure--escape--pursuit--vanity--notoriety--action for +crim. con.--damages--a duel--“a bullet in the thorax”--all whirled +through his well-curled head, as he jumped from his seat at table to +shield and screen the interesting object of his hopes and wishes from +the gaze of Stiffkey, until he was quite sure of his bird;--when, +before he could reach the door, his eyes were greeted, and his ears +astounded, by the appearance of his exemplary mother, and a cry of +“Jack, my boy, how are you?” uttered by that respectable matron. + +“My dear ma’am,” said Jack, almost petrified, and extending his +arms,--not for an embrace, but to endeavour to prevent her farther +entrance into the room--“what on earth has brought you here?” + +“The stage-coach,” said the old lady. “Come, git out of the way; let us +come in and sit down.” + +Saying which, she pushed by her son, to the astonishment of Stiffkey, +who immediately rose from his seat. + +“Don’t disturb yourself, sir,” said the lady; “there’s plenty of +room:--only coming outside, the wind blows up all about one, and I’m as +cold as charity--though Jim made me have a glass of hot rum and water +at the last place we stopped at.” + +“Very nice beverage, ma’am,” said Stiffkey, with one of his most +graceful bows. + +“My dear ma’am,” said Jack, “wouldn’t you rather have another room? We +have scarcely finished dinner, and it would be more comfortable to have +a sitting-room to yourself.” + +“They haven’t got another sitting-room disengaged,” said the lady; “Jim +asked them. No matter: what’s good enough for _you_, Jack, is good +enough for _me_; so this will do for us till bed-time.” + +“My dear colonel,” said Jack-- + +“My dear sir,” said Stiffkey, “no apologies. I am too glad to see any +friends of yours--if I don’t intrude.” + +“Intrude!” said the lady--“not a bit: we have no secrets, sir. To be +sure, things have turned out queerish: however, you have as much right +here as we, and we as you--so we won’t make no words of that. Why, you +dine late, Jack!” + +“No, on the contrary, rather early,” said Jack, perfectly at a loss +what to do, overcome by the unexpectedness of the visit, from its +being so particularly ill-timed, and by the malicious determination +which Stiffkey had too evidently formed of not stirring: indeed, +the announcement of the fact, that there was no other sitting-room +disengaged, would of itself have justified his remaining in what really +was his own apartment, even if he had not wished to stay out a scene +which promised him some amusement. + +“Jack,” said the lady, “I want you just to look out and see if Jim is +getting in all the bundles and things.” + +“Who is Jim?” said Jack in an under tone. + +“Jim Salmon,” said the lady. + +“What! is _he_ with you?” + +“Yes,” said his mother, “where else should he be?” + +At this moment Jem made his appearance, dressed in a tight light +green coat, and a buff-waistcoat, with striped blue and white cotton +trousers, made tightish to his plump figure, a coloured check +handkerchief round his neck, and a white hat stuck on one side of his +head, with a bunch of whitish-red curls sticking out from under it. + +“Ah!” said Jem, “Brag, how d’ye do?”--“didn’t expect us. I +reckoned--skimming down here--eh? Titsy would come--agreeable +surprise--twig?” + +“Very agreeable, indeed!” said Brag, drawing back somewhat indignantly +from the familiar approach of the _ci-devant_ shopboy. + +“Have you got all the parcels up to the bed-room, J. S.?” said the lady. + +“Yes, Titsy,” said Jem. + +“Got the umbrella, J. S.?” said the lady. + +“No, Titsy,” replied Jem, “but I’ll be after it in no time--twig?” + +Jack’s dismay and mortification had now risen to a considerable height. +What could have induced his mother to make Jem Salmon her travelling +companion?--what could have induced her to undertake the journey?--or +what Jem could mean by calling his respectable parent “Titsy,” were +to him questions unsolvable. One thing, however, appeared necessary: +the old lady had evidently planted herself for the evening where she +was; Stiffkey, who had scarcely begun his wine, and had no engagement +elsewhere, had quietly deposited himself in an arm-chair: Jack, +therefore, felt it absolutely essential to introduce the colonel +to their fair visiter, resolving, afterwards, to check her in her +conversation, so as to prevent the developement of all the real +circumstances of the case, and trust to chance and impudence to wriggle +through and out of this most “untoward affair.” + +“This, Colonel,” said Jack, “is my mother:--Colonel Stiffkey, madam.” + +Mutual bows ratified the treaty. + +“I say,” said the lady, “put a chair for Jim. P’raps, he is taking a +drop of something.” + +“Mr. Salmon, ma’am,” said Brag--“is he coming in?” + +“I s’pose so,” said the lady. + +“Oh!” said Brag. + +“Here he is,” said the lady. “All right now, Jim?” + +“Yes, Titsy,” said Jem. + +Jack’s astonishment at the repetition of this “familiar word” was too +great to admit of concealment, and accordingly betrayed itself in his +countenance. + +“Ah!” said his mother, “that’s it--isn’t it, Jim? He doesn’t know all.” + +“No,” said Jem--“don’t twig, Titsy.” + +“I told you, John, I should surprise you one of these days,” said his +mother:--“J. S. and I are married!” + +“Married!” exclaimed Jack. + +“Yes,” said Jem, “Titsy is Mrs. Salmon--d’ye twig?” + +“My dear mother,” said Jack, “are you serious?” + +“No, Jack,” replied Mrs. James Salmon,--for such she really +was,--“never less serious in my life since your daddy died. All +true:--Jim and I were married last Friday was a week at Hornsey church, +and passed the honey-day--we couldn’t stop out longer on account of the +business--at ‘The Sluice House.’” + +“This _is_ really a surprise!” said Stiffkey, sipping his claret, +looking, how--it is impossible to describe. + +Jack was, as Major Downing says, “catawampously stumped,” and could say +nothing. + +“It oughtn’t to be, sir,” said Mrs. Salmon, addressing herself to the +dandy. “Jack knowed well enough what a lone life I led. He never came +near me--never, except for what you could get, Jack--did you? He +advised me to marry, sir--and I could tell you a pretty story about +_that_, if I liked--eh! Jack?--the pickle-shop. Well, so things went +on, till at last--praise afore people’s faces sometimes spoils them--I +took Jim for better or worse.” + +“A very prudent resolve, indeed, ma’am,” said the Colonel, taking a +huge pinch of snuff. + +“My dear Colonel,” said Jack, “I am sure we ought to apologize for +troubling you with our family affairs. I wish--eh!--isn’t there any +other room--are you sure?” + +“A’nt I?” said Jem--“first thing as I axed about--twig?” + +“Get yourself something warm, Jim,” said the ancient bride: “I’m sure +if the cold once gets into your poor little stomach, you’ll have no +rest all night. I know what it is myself to be troubled with cold:--and +I tell you what, Johnny, we shall want a bit of something by way of +supper; for though we had three or four mutton-chops at Godstone, which +were very nicely done, and fine meat too, and uncommon fat, still that +was some time ago--and I get peckish at night somehow.” + +“Fat!” said Mr. Salmon--“yes, they _were_ fat--reminded me of the shop, +Brag--twig?” + +“I should venture to recommend,” said the colonel with the most studied +politeness, “something to drink--a glass of claret--or----” + +“Oh, Lor’ no!” said Mrs. Salmon, “no claret for me, sir: as I used to +say to my poor dear first--Jack’s father--don’t talk to me of claret: +it’s a waste of time as well as of money to drink them sort of thin +stuffs! If Jack was to have behaved like what he is, he might have +asked me to take some kind of refreshment before this; for since the +rum and water at--what do they call that last place we stopped at, +Jemes?”-- + +“Wholesome, Titsy,” said the bridegroom. + +“Hailsham, mother,--Hailsham,” said Jack, “is the name of the place.” + +“I haven’t had the least drop as is, in my mouth, since Godstone,” +continued Mrs. Salmon. + +“And there,” said Salmon, “the hale was uncommon ’eavy.” + +“What! ma’am,” said Stiffkey, “had you a storm, coming down?” + +“No, no,” said Jack,--who, although he could not, as his mother +would have said, “exasperate” the _h_ himself, was nervously alive +to the absurdity of anybody else who laboured under a similar +incapacity--“ale--the ale was heavy.” + +“Come, Mr. Brag,” said the Colonel, “the wine is with you.” + +“Yes,” said Jack, “and I’m not the man to stop it--eh? I like it to +go--keep circulating, as we say, right up, straight down, and no +mistake?” + +“What do they charge, John, for claret here?” said Mrs. Salmon, +addressing her son. + +“Can’t say, I am sure,” said Jack. + +“I say,” said Salmon, leaning over towards his wife, with his hand up +to his mouth to hide a very audible whisper--“that’s _it_--they never +pay!--twig? But, I say, Titsy, what will you have--something hot?” + +“Whatever you like, dear,” said the respectable matron. + +“I tell you what,” said Salmon, “I’ll just go out and brew for you +myself. I know your taste--eh?--don’t I? Sugar, rum, nutmeg--eh?--twig?” + +With this most affectionate speech Mr. Salmon left the room, Jack +regularly used up, and the colonel, who was now convinced that +his particular friend must be the identical creature described in +Gunnersbury’s letter from Dover, having thrown himself back in his +chair, waited to hear what might happen next. + +“Sad business about Kitty!” said Mrs. Salmon. + +“Yes, mother,” said Jack, “but don’t you think we might as well defer +any discussion of that sort till the morning.” + +“Why,” said Mrs. Salmon, “I don’t know; if the gentleman is _your_ +friend, there’s no harm speaking out before him,--and I can’t stop here +long. I thought I would surprise you; and I think a bit of a-washing +to-morrow in the sea won’t do me no harm. It’s now two-and-thirty--aye, +let me see, more than that--five-and-thirty years since I was in a bath +of any kind, and I thought if I could manage to see _you_, and tell +you all about my wedding, and talk over poor Kitty’s business, and get +a bit of a wash, all under one, it would be doing a great deal; and as +the whole front of the shop has been new painted, and James has had all +those dangling dips, which you didn’t like, taken down--I said to him, +‘Jim,’ says I, ‘now we’ve got this letter from John, what d’ye say of a +bit of a holiday till the stink of the paint goes off, and then we can +tell him all, how, and about it?’ Don’t you think I was right?” + +“Perfectly, ma’am,” said Jack, “perfectly--only I don’t quite +comprehend what you are talking about.” + +“I say, sir,” said Mrs. Salmon, appealing to the Colonel, who was +enjoying the scene, and gathering in, all he could collect, wherewith +to amuse his friend Gunnersbury when he should arrive--“isn’t that +good? John’s father and I carried on a most excellent business for +five-and-twenty years:--I’ve got the shop-cards in my pocket now, with +the new name introduced ‘Salmon, successor to Brag:’--and yet he +doesn’t comprehend what I am talking about when I tell him about new +painting the shop, and dowsing the danglers, as Jim says.” + +“My dear mother,” said Jack, “hadn’t you better go to bed? I assure you +this travelling--eh?--don’t you think--it has upset you--?” + +“Upset! no,” said Mrs. Salmon, “I’m not going to bed at half-past seven +o’clock to please the pope--no, nor the lord-mayor neither: I’m going +to have a nice bit of sum’mut for supper. Here, John, jump up and open +the door--I hear Jim knocking: he has got the grog, or whatever it is.” + +Jack, utterly discomfited, did as he was bid. + +“Scaldings!” cried Mr. Salmon, his father-in-law--“scaldings!--here it +is, Titsy, as hot as hot. Mind your eye, Brag--shut the door: that’s +right--clever lad--eh?--twig?” + +Things had gone so far at this period of the business, that Jack, +seeing it was perfectly impossible longer to blind the colonel to the +real state of the case, gave himself up in despair, and felt convinced +that the morning must afford him safety in flight. The coolness of +Stiffkey during the whole of the proceedings, the unbounded civility +with which he treated the old lady, the dignified goodnature with +which he permitted Mr. Salmon to tread over his feet, and even scatter +the “honey-dew” of the hot mixture, which he had himself prepared +and brought into the room, over his shins, killed Jack, who knew by +experience the mode in which good-breeding receives the coarsenesses +and vulgarities of the world, and saw that the whole fabric of his +favour with the colonel, in erecting which he had passed the entire +day, was fast crumbling to atoms. + +“Shall we have some more wine?” said the colonel to Brag, doing the +elegant with as much unaffected grace as if Jack’s mother had been a +duchess who had married a fool for the sake of his title. + +“As you like, colonel,” said Jack, “only I fear--” + +“Fear nothing,” said Stiffkey, “I never was happier; and if I don’t +bore you----” + +“Oh!” said Jack bowing. + +“Not in the least, sir,” said Salmon, “we are too happy to have you +stay. I’ve always heard say that it is one of the great advantages of +these watering-places getting into genteel company--eh!--twig?” + +Jack could have annihilated the shopboy, although he _was_ his +father-in-law. + +“But, as I was saying, John,” said Mrs. Salmon, “because, as the +gentleman tells us, we _may_ speak out before _him_--poor Kitty made +a bad mess of it; she was always a wayward girl,--she quite run away +from George, at last,--so he writes me,--went and lived with other +people,--just as it happened;--all came from drinking, John,” here the +old lady mended her draught. “Wasn’t it shocking, sir?” + +“Dreadful ma’am!” said Stiffkey, “very dreadful.” + +“My dear mother,” said Jack, “don’t trouble the Colonel.” + +“The trouble is a pleasure,” said Stiffkey; “some unfortunate creature, +who, being in the habit of drinking, I suppose, ran away from her +husband: a thing that will happen, ma’am, amongst servants even of the +best character.” + +“Servants, sir?” cried Mrs. Salmon. + +“My dear mother,” said Jack, “never mind.” + +“But I _do_ mind, John,” said the lady, who had just arrived at a +point of obfuscation, at which the main points under discussion +are always forgotten, and the minor incidents shine forth most +brilliantly--“why should the gentleman call _my_ daughter Kitty a +servant?--she never was a servant! she made a foolish match,--ran away +with a serjeant--a reglar common soger,--and then ran away _from_ +him,--all ill treatment, sir, and the heat of the climate;--and--” +here Mrs. Salmon burst into a flood of tears; whereupon, Jem, in +order to enlighten the Colonel, and utterly annihilate Jack, gave him +a familiar tap on the shoulder, and said, in a confidential tone, +“bolted,--altogether--quite--entirely,--twig?” + +The Colonel drew back shrinkingly from the unexpected familiarity, +and signified by a distant bow that he was sufficiently aware of the +circumstances to which the lady had so feelingly alluded. + +“However,” said Mrs. Salmon, recovering, “what’s done can’t be undone; +she is now gone to her long home, and it’s of no use raking up old +grievances: she had a good education, and made a bad use of it; and +what’s more, she was cheated into marrying him; and Nance Brown,--she +was at the bottom of it, and yet she has contrived to get up in the +world; and so has George himself,--how, I don’t pretend to say.” + +“My dear mother,” said Jack, “let us talk of something else; it cannot +be very entertaining to the colonel to hear all our grievances.” + +“Entertaining!” said Mrs. Salmon, “I’m sure I don’t mean to entertain +anybody. When I feels, I speaks; and why shouldn’t I, John?--an’t it +natural for a mother to feel?” + +“Don’t take on so, Titsy,” said Salmon. “There’s some cold boiled leg +of mutton and pickles coming; they are only waiting to get a bit of +potato mashed. I didn’t forget to order your early supper,--twig?” + +“You are a kind-hearted creetur,” said Mrs. Salmon to her husband, “and +that makes one feel neglect from others the more; however, we won’t +talk about that. J. S. dear, tell John what alterations we are going to +make at home.” + +“To be sure,” said Jem. “I say, Brag, you know that big copper on +the left-hand of the melting-house? I mean to have that put farther +back, and git a door made into the lane, behind the cart-house, so +as we can bring the fat in all reg’lar, without coming through the +front-shop,--twig?” + +“Yes, yes,” said Jack, “a very good arrangement--and no mistake.” + +“Then, I mean to clap a sky-light on the top of the back-parlour,” +continued Mr. Salmon, “which will make it uncommon lively to what +it was. Why, in the old gentleman’s time, when I was a bit of a +boy, it used to be as dark and as dismal as the Plenipotentiary on +Milbank,--twig?” + +“And round it, John,” said Mrs. Salmon, “I mean to have ever so many +flower-pots with gerenums, and fooshies, and you can’t think how nice +they will look in the summer if the cats don’t knock ’em down in the +night.” + +“Here’s the mutton, Titsy,” said Jem. + +And sure enough, in came the waiter, accompanied by a female assistant +with a tray, on which the promised leg appeared, with pickles and other +condiments,--a dish of mashed potatoes, and a plate of chopped onions. +The maid spread out a second table, and speedily dressed it in a snowy +cloth: the waiter handed and arranged the viands; and while doing so, +announced that some hot chops were on their way. + +“Waiter, why don’t you bring us another bottle of claret?” said +Stiffkey, to Jack’s most perfect and entire mortification; who, with +all his vanity and self-love, could not shut his eyes to the certainty +that his elegant friend Stiffkey was merely prolonging his stay, in +order to be amused at his expense; and equally well aware that his +mother and the creature whom he was told was his father-in-law, would, +in the course of the evening, afford him as much entertainment as he +could reasonably expect. + +“Now, Titsy,” said Mr. Salmon, “let me put you a chair by the +table,--ready ag’in the chops come. I suppose it’s a compliment to ask +you to join us?” added the engaging Jem, himself to Colonel Stiffkey +and addressing Jack. + +“We have just dined,” said Colonel Stiffkey, with the most +imperturbable gravity. + +The old bride and young bridegroom having drawn close to the board, +Jack considered he might contrive to manage a few minutes’ explanatory +conversation with the colonel, and therefore drew his chair nearer to +him, as if with a view of facilitating, what an Irish gentleman would +call,--the circulation of the bottle between the two. + +“To be sure,” whispered Jack, whose whole character for smartness +and sprightliness, and that sort of slang conversation in which he +ordinarily indulged, had been completely destroyed by the appearance of +visitors, not only unexpected _then_, but never to be expected in their +present relative position--“To be sure, Colonel, there _are_ odd things +in the world. Who, when we sat down here, would have expected this +curious coincidence. By Job! what folly,--eh? a woman at her time of +life to throw herself away upon a fellow of that sort!” + +“Very odd,” said Stiffkey, in an equally low tone of voice; “but, at +that time of life, these turns will happen. Of what profession is the +young man?” + +“A candle-maker,” said Jack, whispering directly in the colonel’s +ear; having hoisted up one of his little fat hands, trumpet-wise, to +prevent the affectionate chop-eaters from hearing the avowal, and +hoping, even at this straw-catching minute, to devolve the whole of +the responsibility of so disgraceful a business upon his respectable +mother, leaving it to be inferred that she had been love-led into a +connexion much beneath herself. + +“Oh!” said Stiffkey. + + “Love levels ranks: lords down to cellars bears, + And bids the candle-maker walk up stairs.” + +“Very true,” said Jack, “all right,--and no mistake.” + +“I say, John,” said Mr. Salmon, who fortunately had not heard this +little colloquy, “just come here: did you ever see closer fat than +this cold mutton? I should like to have twenty or thirty ton of it +down, ready for melting. I could sport a dash of hog in him, and no +fear of spluttering.” + +“It’s curious to see,” said Jack, in an under tone to the colonel, +“how, when a man sets himself to trade, he turns everything to shop.” + +“Very,” said Stiffkey. + +And so it is; but it was much more curious to observe the total +alteration produced in Jack’s manner and language by the unexpected +visitation of his parent, and her hopeful help-mate. It seemed as if he +was altogether unstarched; his hair seemed to uncurl itself, and upon +his pale cheek, and contracted brow, evidently lay the whole weight of +his mortification and dismay. + +“Titsy,” said Salmon, “don’t you malt?” + +“No, my dear J. S.” replied the lady. “I’m all for something more in +the warm line.” + +“That’s right;” said Salmon. “Rum and water, hot, I +consider,--eh?--twig?” + +“Exactly so,” replied Mrs. Salmon. “I can’t think how you two,” +turning herself round, and addressing the gentlemen at the other +table, “can go on drinking that wishy-washy stuff,--paying, too, so +much as you do for it. As I said before, I consider it a dead waste of +time,--there’s no goodness, no nourishment in it:--they call riding +in a hack cab, taking danger at eight-pence a mile;--but I call +claret-drinking getting the stomach-ache at ten shillings a bottle.” + +“Little and good is Titsy’s motto,” said Jem. + +“Yes, J. S. dear,” said the matron, smiling; “that’s the reason I took +_you_.” + +“Well said, Titsy,” said Salmon, “she shan’t be a bad un after all.” + +That Mr. John Brag was not blessed by nature with any superabundant +proportion of feeling, we have had several opportunities of +ascertaining; but it is only fair to say, that during this, in +every point of view humiliating scene to the pretender, his +uneasiness--misery it might almost be called--upon his own personal +account, was not equal to that which he felt on account of his mother. +That she had made herself, at her time of life, a fool, by marrying +her shop-man, or shop-boy rather, was bad enough; but such things--or +things as extraordinary and silly--happen, _matrimonially_, every +day; and besides, he palliated her absurdity in this affair by the +reflection that he himself had first advised her to marry somebody, in +order to rescue his name from the trammels of trade, and that he had +probably accelerated the consummation of her discredit by his facetious +pranks upon Waterloo Bridge, when he himself contrived to expose her +infirmities for the amusement of his fashionable friends; but, what +_did_ nevertheless pain even _him_, was the sight of his parent--of +the being who had given him birth--associated with such a creature as +Jem Salmon, and by him and his endearing diminutives and nick-names +rendered an object of universal ridicule. To hear this wretched animal +calling a woman three times his age and four times his size, Titsy, was +really and truly tormenting, separated from any prospective feeling +of certainty that the degradation of his once respectable relative +would form the subject of Stiffkey’s most animated description of the +humours of Eastbourne, to be hereafter given to his expected visitor +and surrounding friends. + +“I say, John,” said Mrs. Salmon, warming with her refreshment, “John, +when you were at home last, you did not think I should get the start of +you, however much you advised it. I haven’t heard of your marrying a +Lady Sally, or a Lady Susan, with forty or fifty thousand pounds tacked +to the title;--I’ve heard of your doings though, in other places.” + +“Probably,” said Jack, “one can’t help being talked about.” + +“I mean with Mrs. ----, what’s the name? J. S.” said Mrs. Salmon;--“up +there, by ----.” + +“Dallington, d’ye mean,” said Jem. + +“Yes, that’s it,” said the matron; “we heard that story last week--not +half a day after it happened.” + +“What is that?” said Stiffkey, _sotto voce_ to Brag. + +“I’m sure I don’t know what my mother means,” said Jack; nor did he, +nor could he comprehend how she came to know the name of the lady. + +“Don’t you, Johnny? I do,” said his mother; “so does J. S., don’t +_you_? Now, I think I owe you a turn, for playing me off on the bridge, +so I’ll have a laugh at your expense--all in fun, now it’s over.” + +“My dear mother,” said Jack, “pray don’t talk about that affair.” + +“No, not a syllable,” said Mrs. Salmon; “only we know all about your +making love to the two sisters at once--don’t we, Jemes?” + +“I believe we do too, Titsy,” said Salmon; “two at a time, that’s all, +John--eh--twig?” + +“What, ma’am?” said Stiffkey, who found he had completely succeeded in +making Mrs. Salmon consider him “quite the gentleman;” “did our friend +try his ambidextrous fortune with both ladies?” + +“I don’t know,” said Mrs. Salmon, “about whose fortune he tried; all I +know he got none--between two stools, Johnny--” + +--“I know, my dear mother,” said Jack, “the proverb is by no means new.” + +“No,” said the lady, “nor the moral of it neither; the way we come to +know of it was through the lady’s housekeeper; they deal with us for +coarse stock, stores and rushlights.” + +“And ile, Titsy,” said Salmon. + +“Yes,” said the lady; “and so Jemes, you see, went round collecting, +and so--but you tell the story, J. S., dear.” + +“Oh, don’t trouble yourself, sir,” said Jack. + +“Pray go on, Mr. Salmon,” said Stiffkey. + +“Why, I tell you how it was,” said Salmon; “I was a just stepping round +and collecting, as Titsy says,--for we had an unmerciful heavy bill to +pay our broker, and I happens to call at Mrs. Dallington’s--so--the +family was just gone out o’ town--lets see--when was it, Titsy?--one +day late in last week--and so I sees the housekeeper--Mrs. Cropper--I +know’d her in her last place--so I tells her about our little account, +and she says, says she, looking at the bill, ‘I wonder, now, if your +master’s any relation to the little man which my missus sent away a +night or two ago, with a flea in his ear.’” + +“I must beg,” said Jack,--“I--shall leave the room if this goes on +any farther--I don’t want to know the secret history of people of my +acquaintance, squeezed out of servants--I don’t want to know about any +little man.” + +“No, love, _do_ hear,” said Mrs. Salmon; “it only shows how things gits +round.” + +“So, I says, says I,” continued Salmon, “I can’t judge unless you tell +me what sort of a little man he is.--‘Why,’ she says, says she, ‘his +name’s Brag--he’s a smartish kind of a chap, with a curly head; and as +full of the gab as an egg’s full of meat.’--‘A sporting chap?’ says +I.--‘Always a hunting,’ says she.--So then I just rubs up my hair, +and puts up my collar, and gives her a bit of a take-off of you, jist +after your manner, ‘smack, smooth, right up, straight down, and no +mistake.’ Whereupon Mrs. Cropper--she’s an uncommon good-natured old +thing--she claps her two hands together and says, says she, ‘By gosh +that’s he--that’s the chap as wanted somehow to marry my mistress and +her sister too, and got kicked out according_ly_,’--twig?” + +“Mr. Salmon,” said Brag, trembling with rage, or something else, and +looking as white as a sheet, “the unfortunate connexion which my mother +has formed with you, keeps me quiet--if--it was not for that----” + +“Don’t agitate yourself,” said Stiffkey, with the most perfect _sang +froid_. “Mr. Salmon means no harm, I’m sure.” + +“Harm, not he,” said Mrs. Salmon, “he’s only lively, and wants a bit of +fun.” + +“Fun! the devil, ma’am!” said Jack: “I shall say nothing; but as for +staying in this room a minute longer, I will not; nor, ma’am, will I +ever set foot in any place in which that person is to be found. I never +was consulted in _your_ match--and sure you might run your own race +without coming crossing and jostling me on _my_ course. Colonel,” added +Jack, “I am quite sure this business must be as disagreeable to you +as it is disgusting to me--perhaps you will follow my example. I shall +be glad, ma’am, to say a few words to _you_ in the morning--and I wish +_you_ a good evening.” + +“I am extremely sorry, Mr. Brag,” said the Colonel, “that you are +annoyed. It only seems a little playfulness,--it _must_ be all a joke.” + +“No joke at all, sir,” said Mrs. Salmon; “it’s all true, only what I +say to Jack is, them as throws stones shouldn’t live in glass houses.” + +“Well, I’m sure, Titsy,” said Jem. “I’d no notion of this blow up when +we came in--I meant to be all pleasant and agreeable.” + +“Come, Colonel,” said Jack. + +“Good evening, ma’am,” said the Colonel. “I suppose I _must_ go, but I +assure you I am particularly sorry to leave such agreeable society.” + +“Where’s Jack?” said Mrs. Salmon. + +“Gone out, Titsy,” said Jem. + +“Like one of his own rushlights, ma’am,” said the Colonel, who +immediately followed him, putting his finger to his nose, archly, as he +quitted the room. + +“Bravo, Colonel,” said Salmon;--“that’s a prime chap, anyhow--eh? Who’d +have thought of John’s bristling up in that kind of hedge-hog fashion. +I’m sure I only wanted to give the Colonel a little touch of _my_ way +of taking off.” + +“Yes, my dear J. S.,” said the matron, “and the Colonel seems to have +returned the compliment. I’m sorry you offended Jack, for I wanted you +to be friends.” + +“Then, Titsy, why did you set me on,” said Jem;--“you know’d when once +my spirit’s up, I can’t stop it.” + +“Why, somehow,” said Mrs. Salmon, “the rum and water was strong.” + +“’Twas stiffish--twig?” said Salmon. + +“However,” continued the lady, “a fine morning is a good peace-maker, +and I dare say we shall all be friends again for the short time we have +to stay; besides, to tell _you_ the truth, I never quite believed that +Mrs. Cropper’s story.” + +“I’d trust her with my life,” said James, “as steady a going cretur, +full of fun as she is, as ever trod shoe leather,--takes a tip of two +pounds per annum, and is quite satisfied; can’t get off with Mr. Evans, +the butler, for twice that. No, no, Titsy, as Jack says, leave me alone +to deal with the fair sex.” + +“Oh you divil!” said Mrs. Salmon, “ring the bell, J. S., and let us +retire for the night; early as it is, I’m tired, and a little vexed +into the bargain.” + +“Don’t worry yourself, Titsy,” said James. “I dare say it will be all +right to-morrow--eh? smack, smooth, and no mistake,--twig?” + +“Now, J. S.,” said Mrs. Salmon, “don’t go on doing _that_, that’s a +dear--there’s nothing folks is so sore about, as being taken off in +that way--don’t do it.--Johnny lives in good company, as you see; it +is true he has got a particular way of talking, and all that you said +about what he had done, and all about the ladies, and Cropper and all, +never stirred him no more than you could stir a fire without a poker; +till you come to mimic him--that it was set his blood up. I saw his +little eyes winking, winking, and his face get as white as a sheet, +and I’m sure I never meant to put him in a passion--only--no--it was +that----” + +“Are you cross, Titsy?” said Jem. + +“Not a bit cross,” said Mrs. Salmon, “only he’s as touchy as +touch-wood--so don’t go and aggravate him to-morrow.” + +“I promise and wow, Titsy,” said Salmon, “I will _that_ do--only you +see, being as I consider now, his superior, what the sogers call +commanding officer, I think he might have treated me with a little more +respect.” + +“Never mind _that_,” said the lady, “ring the bell, and let’s bundle. +I’m dead tired--the wind blew so fresh--and I can tell you the top of a +coach is not as soft to sit on, as the cushion of my arm-chair, I’m all +shaken to pieces.” + +J. S. did as he was bid, and the chamber-maid speedily appeared to +attend the matronly bride to her chamber, J. S. remaining below as he +thought it proper to do, until he was summoned to his roost. This dull +interval he occupied by imbibing a refreshing glass of some favourite +mixture, and in reflecting upon the unexpected sort of reception he had +met with from his son-in-law. However, he had scarcely finished his +“tipple,” as he called it, when he was summoned by the attendant sylph, +the respected Mrs. Salmon not occupying any very considerable period of +time in making her preparations for what she called “tumbling in.”--Jem +drained his goblet, and ascended the stairs, and “maid-directed,” found +the door of the room which contained his treasure. + +By a preconcerted arrangement the waiter had been engaged to go, or +send over, to the library, whither _faute de mieux_, the colonel +and Jack had retreated from the unbearable fire of Mr. Salmon’s +extraordinary liveliness, to let them know when the happy pair +were gone to bed, inasmuch as they might return to their temporary +domicile, and enjoy a few tranquil moments before _they_ retired to +rest. The moment, therefore, that the Salmonean savages had “quitted +the ground,” a message was conveyed to the dandy and his friend, +informing them that the coast was clear; and this message arrived at +the library precisely at the moment when Jack had declined playing any +longer billiards, because he knew nothing of the game, and because he +preferred _ecarté_. + +The word _ecarté_ sounded mellifluously to the colonel’s ear--_he_ +could play the game a little; should they go back to the hotel and try +a hand or two--first directing his servant to open the windows and +“freshen” the room--order broiled bones at twelve, and not play later +than two--positively? + +Brag, the moment he heard this proposition from the colonel, was +convinced that all was right, and “no mistake;” the absurdities of +his poor mother, and the grossnesses of his youthful father-in-law +had evidently made no impression. The colonel saw the gentleman in +_him_, and the very suggestion of broiled bones, ventilated rooms, and +_ecarté_ till two, settled the affair. It was all arranged, and Stiff +key’s man was to teach the willing hostess of the hotel how to concoct +a particular sort of punch, which Sir Stumpey Dubs, a wealthy friend +of his master, had invented,--of which composition, averse as the +colonel was from strong drink, the weakest ingredient was Jamaica rum, +the whole compound forming a sort of beverage which reminded you, in +the morning, that you had swallowed it the night before, by a sensation +very much like that which would have been occasioned by the dislocation +of every limb belonging to your body. + +Colonel Stiffkey was the most perfect “gentleman”--not to use the term +as Brag would use it, but in its purest and most unquestioned shape. +He was not brilliant as a wit, but he played his part as well as his +associates in the every-day give-and-take conversation of the best +society. The immovable quietude and imperturbable civility which he +displayed before the bride and bridegroom, were part of his system. +Nobody who did not know his heart of hearts could find out whether he +was delighted or distressed by that, which was passing before him. His +mind, with regard to Brag, had been for some hours made up; and in all +probability the next morning would be the last on which he even would +endeavour to recollect his name: but before that morning came, there +intervened an evening,--that evening was to be passed, somehow. Mr. +Brag preferred _ecarté_; we have seen the preparatory arrangements in +consequence of that preference. + +Stiffkey and Brag walked back from the library to their sitting-room, +whence had been removed, besides the nuisances, which had removed +themselves, all the “provender,” upon which they had battened. A +card-table had been placed by the colonel’s man, and a small table by +the side of it, on which stood two well-sized glasses, out of which +they were to imbibe a certain quantity of the West-Indian mumbo-jum, +punctiliously prepared according to the recipe of Sir Stumpy. + +The room had resumed its former pleasing aspect. Jack found no +difference in the manner of his friend, who, in the kindest manner, +kept periodically praising England as the only nation perhaps in the +world which furnished the brightest ornaments to society from trades +and professions--throwing in an agreeable observation now and then, +that if such were the facility in other countries, the intellects +of the people would prevent their availing themselves of it; and, +in short, that what the French sage had said of our population in +comparing it with our porter, that the top was all froth, the bottom +all dregs, and the middle the “stout and efficient,” was most true. +This encouragement, wonderfully aided by the arrival of Stiffkey’s +servant with a closely covered jug of the invaluable compound, raised +Jack’s spirits so high, that for the moment he threw overboard all the +previous occurrences of the evening, and felt satisfied in his own mind +that the fact of his mother’s having married injudiciously, could and +would have no possible effect upon his future fashionable career. + +“Now then,” said the Colonel, “taste _that_: if you don’t like it, I’m +mistaken.” + +Jack filled a glass and sipped. “Like it!--Gad! who wouldn’t--eh?--goes +down like milk, and no mistake.” + +The resumption of his pet phrases, the renewed twiggle of his +hair, and the revived pull up of his collars, proclaimed “_Johannes +redivivus_.” + +“Well,” said the Colonel, with a tone of perfect indifference, “shall +we have a touch at _ecarté_? The broiled bones will come at twelve.” + +“All right, and no mistake,” said Jack. + +“What shall we play?” said the Colonel, listlessly shuffling one of the +two packs of cards which his servant had put down--“don’t let it be +high--five pound points, and ten pound consequences?” + +“Anything you like,” said Jack. “I lost twenty pounds to that man at +billiards. How he pulled up in his play after the bet!” + +“Did he?” said the Colonel--“I didn’t observe. Do try some more of that +excellent stuff. We will go to-morrow, if you stay here, to an old +friend of mine who lives about five miles from this, and I’ll show you +how _he_ drinks it: he’ll be delighted to see you.” + +This put Jack upon the top of a pinnacle. Colonel Stiffkey, after all +he had seen and heard, proposed the very next day to take him to visit +an old friend at his place five miles off! Poor Jack! Colonel Stiffkey +had no such friend; neither if he had, would he have taken Jack with +him: furthermore, he knew, _that_ which Jack at the moment had himself +quite forgotten, that he could not stay out the following day where his +mother was: but Stiffkey wanted Jack to play _ecarté_ at his ease--and +so he did, knowing no more of the game than a child of ten years old. + +The results of the sitting were--broiled bones at half past twelve, +more of Sir Stumpy Dubs’s mixture at half past one, and a retreat at +half past two o’clock in the morning, at which time Mr. John Brag +handed over to Colonel Stiffkey two hundred and fifty pounds of the +cash he had received from Lord Tom Towzle two days before; and an I. +O. U. for three hundred and forty more, which the gallant colonel, +in consideration of the ready money already received, very readily +accepted in part payment of a balance of five hundred and ninety +pounds, which, under the influence of Sir Stumpy Dubs’s mixture, the +curly-headed adept at _ecarté_ had lost to his aristocratic associate. + +The friends separated and retired to rest, the colonel’s servant +kindly assisting Mr. Brag to his room,--the colonel, who required no +assistance, going to his room by himself. + +It was not, however, until both these worthies--either of them +curiously instructive in his way,--had betaken themselves to their +respective beds--that the innate truth of their characters was made +manifest. Jack, broken down by the most extraordinary combination of +circumstances,--abused, degraded, and exposed by the man whom his +mother had by way of an agreeable surprise, brought down to see and +present to him, in the hope of conciliating everything, lay desponding, +as deeply as he could in his peculiar state, as to the mischief his +unhappy parent might have done him by her appearance there; consoling +himself, on the other hand, in his blessed ignorance of human nature, +with the belief that the colonel was so entirely his friend, that not +only what had occurred had made no change in his sentiments, but that +not a syllable of the events of the preceding evening would transpire; +and absolutely revelling in the idea that the loss of his five hundred +and ninety pounds would not only ensure this much-desired secrecy, but +cement a long and lasting friendship between them. + +The colonel, who, like a skilful practitioner, had carefully abstained +from swallowing the draughts which he had prescribed, laid his cool +unthrobbing head upon his pillow, perfectly satisfied with having so +well executed his ingenuity in the up-turning of kings, and other +curious arrangements of the cards; consoling himself with the justice +of outwitting so complete a charlatan as his temporary companion of the +tallow tribe; and concluding if he never received one farthing’s worth +of value for the I. O. U., the worth of which he considered somewhat +equivocal, that he had adequately paid himself for the smell of onions +and hot rum and water, and the still more oppressive conversation of +his friend’s intimate connexions immediately after dinner, by the +first receipt of the two hundred and fifty pounds cash in Bank notes. + +Such were the thoughts and reflections of Mr. John Brag and his +aristocratic friend as they dropped off to their slumber on this +memorable night. What visions might have occupied the minds of Mrs. +Salmon and her dear J. S. it is not our province even to surmise: they +are asleep, and lest the reader should fall into a similar state of +quiescence, the chapter ends. + + + END OF THE SECOND VOLUME. + + + LONDON: + PRINTED BY SAMUEL BENTLEY, + Dorset Street, Fleet Street. + + + + +Transcriber’s Notes + + + 1. Page 33, line 4: miuutes --> minutes (two or three minutes). + 2. Page 291, last line: repectable --> respectable (said the respectable + matron). + 3. In text file: Italic text represented with surrounding _underscores_. + 4. In text file: Small caps represented with ALLCAPS. +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 78709 *** diff --git a/78709-h/78709-h.htm b/78709-h/78709-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..d1031fe --- /dev/null +++ b/78709-h/78709-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,9452 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html> +<html lang="en"> +<head> + <meta charset="UTF-8"> + <meta name="viewport" content="width=device-width, initial-scale=1"> + <meta name="format-detection" content="telephone=no,date=no,address=no,email=no,url=no"> + <title> + JACK BRAG. | Project Gutenberg + </title> + <link rel="icon" href="images/cover.jpg" type="image/x-cover"> + <style> + +body { + margin-left: 10%; + margin-right: 10%; +} + +h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 { + text-align: center; /* all headings centered */ + clear: both; +} + +p { + margin-top: .5em; + text-align: justify; + margin-bottom: .5em; + text-indent: 1em; +} + +.p2 { text-indent: 0; padding-right: 1.5em; } +.p4 { text-indent: 0; padding-right: 4em; } + +.no-indent { + text-indent: 0 !important; + margin-left: 0 !important; + padding-left: 0 !important; +} + +.bigger +{ + font-size: 2em; +} + +.big +{ + font-size: larger; +} + +.small +{ + font-size: small; +} + +.center +{ + text-align: center; +} + +.spaced +{ + line-height: 1.5; +} + +.space-above +{ + margin-top: 3em; +} + +hr { + width: 33%; + margin-top: 2em; + margin-bottom: 2em; + margin-left: 33.5%; + margin-right: 33.5%; + clear: both; +} + +hr.chap {width: 65%; margin-left: 17.5%; margin-right: 17.5%;} +@media print { hr.chap {display: none; visibility: hidden;} } + +div.chapter {page-break-before: always;} +h2.nobreak {page-break-before: avoid;} + +table { + margin-left: auto; + margin-right: auto; +} + +.pagenum { /* uncomment the next line for invisible page numbers */ + /* visibility: hidden; */ + position: absolute; + left: 92%; + font-size: small; + text-align: right; + font-style: normal; + font-weight: normal; + font-variant: normal; + text-indent: 0; +} /* page numbers */ + +blockquote { + font-size: 0.95em; + margin-top: 0; + margin-bottom: 0; + margin-left: 5%; + margin-right: 10%; +} + +.center {text-align: center; text-indent: 0;} + +.right {text-align: right;} + +.smcap {font-variant: small-caps;} + +.allsmcap {font-variant: small-caps; text-transform: lowercase;} + +figcaption {font-weight: bold;} +figcaption p {margin-top: 0; margin-bottom: .2em; text-align: inherit;} + +/* Images */ + +img { + max-width: 100%; + height: auto; +} + +/* Poetry */ +/* uncomment the next line for centered poetry */ +/* .poetry-container {display: flex; justify-content: center;} */ +.poetry-container {text-align: center;} +.poetry {text-align: left; margin-left: 5%; margin-right: 5%; font-size: 0.95em;} +.poetry .stanza {margin: 1em auto; font-size: 0.95em;} +.poetry .verse {text-indent: -3em; padding-left: 3em; font-size: 0.95em;} + +/* Transcriber's notes */ +.transnote {background-color: #E6E6FA; + color: black; + font-size: small; + padding:0.5em; + margin-bottom:5em; + font-family:sans-serif, serif; +} + + +/* Poetry indents */ +.poetry .indent0 {text-indent: -3.0em;} +.poetry .indent2 {text-indent: -2.0em;} + + </style> +</head> + +<body> +<div style='text-align:center'>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 78709 ***</div> + + + +<div class="chapter"> +<h1> +JACK BRAG. +</h1> + + +<p class="big center">VOL. II.</p> + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> +</div> +<div class="chapter"> +<p class="small center"> + LONDON:<br> + PRINTED BY SAMUEL BENTLEY,<br> + Dorset Street, Fleet Street. +</p> +</div> + +<div class="chapter"> +<p class="bigger center">JACK BRAG.</p> + +<p class="small space-above center">BY THE AUTHOR OF</p> + +<p class="small center">“SAYINGS AND DOINGS,”—“MAXWELL,” &c.</p> + +<p class="center space-above">IN THREE VOLUMES.</p> + +<p class="center">VOL. II.</p> + +<p class="big space-above center">LONDON:</p> + +<p class="big center">RICHARD BENTLEY,</p> + +<p class="small center">NEW BURLINGTON STREET.</p> + +<p class="center">1837.</p> +</div> + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> +<div class="chapter"> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_1">[Pg 1]</span></p> + + + <p class="bigger center"> + JACK BRAG. + </p> +</div> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> +<div class="chapter"> + <h2 class="nobreak" id="CHAPTER_I"> + CHAPTER I. + </h2> +</div> + + +<p>Having given the reader a brief and succinct +account of the prosperous progress of +Mr. Brown, and deposited him in safety with +his mother and sister, it now becomes necessary +to give a glance at our hero Jack, and the +measures he adopted under the peculiar and +embarrassing circumstance of being accepted +by two very charming women in the course of +one afternoon.</p> + +<p>For a few moments after the arrival of the +second note—that from Blanche—the little +man was greatly puzzled how to act. That +the answers to his declarations were jokes he +had not the slightest suspicion, and therefore +his difficulty arose from the necessity of at +once making up his mind. Unlike Gay’s hero, +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_2">[Pg 2]</span>he felt that he <em>must</em> say “a word” to both +his captives: in fact, he was forced on the instant +to decide, yea or nay—widow or maid. +This was really a puzzler even for Jack, who +scratched his hair half out of curl before he +had got near a conclusion. At length he determined +to postpone the <i lang="fr">éclaircissement</i> until the +evening, and in the mean time to throw himself +in the way of Sir Charles Lydiard, in +order, if he could, to extract from him his +opinion of the widow’s merits, and ascertain, if +possible, the extent of his anger and vengeance +if Jack should make <em>her</em> his choice.</p> + +<p>For this purpose Jack began what he called +his tour of the Clubs—but, in truth, that of +their doors—for Jack had not as yet achieved the +<em>right</em> of crossing the threshold of any one of them. +Nevertheless, he was not an unfrequent occupant +of their halls, into which, by asking after some +man whom he knew to be out of town, or who did +not belong to that particular society, he made +his way; and having performed that evolution +once or twice, without, or, as he considered, +with, perfect success, he at length encountered +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_3">[Pg 3]</span>Sir Charles, and immediately joined him in his +walk towards Grosvenor Street.</p> + +<p>In one of those amusing and instructive +works upon natural history, in which we find +recorded the traits of character peculiar to different +animals, there is an account of a goose +which had formed so strong an attachment to a +Newfoundland dog belonging to the same master, +that she never was easy out of his society. +Neptune was conscious of this kindly feeling, +and reciprocated it to a certain extent; and whenever +they were together in the yard, <em>he</em> feeding, +and goosey looking affectionately on, or <i lang="la">vice +versâ</i>, it was all very well; but when Neptune +took the air in the street of the village or by the +road-side, or went to refresh himself in a neighbouring +pond, goosey <em>would</em> accompany him. +Then it was too, that, after enduring the waddle +and quack of his admiring companion for a +certain period of time, Neptune invariably, as +soon as he saw any dogs of condition or puppies +of quality coming, put himself into a long +trot, and dart round a corner or over a gate, +in order to exhibit his dislike of the connexion. +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_4">[Pg 4]</span>Sir Charles Lydiard felt very much like dog +Neptune, when goosey Brag joined him: however, +as it was impossible, without rudeness perfectly +inconsistent with Sir Charles’s character +and disposition, to shake him off, he endured +the commencement of a conversation, which in +the end excited the best feelings of his nature, +and awakened in his heart the tenderest sympathy +for a much-injured friend.</p> + +<p>As the reader will hereafter be referred to +this important dialogue, he shall not be troubled +with a repetition of it, here: that it <em>was</em> +important may easily be imagined from the +fact, that when Sir Charles reached the door of +his hotel he invited Brag to come in, and that +they remained in conversation in his drawing-room +for more than an hour.</p> + +<p>The impression left upon Jack’s mind by +what he had heard from his “friend” Sir +Charles was, that the loss of the widow would +neither cause the breaking of the baronet’s +heart nor of his own head; and he was, as the +reader may imagine, proportionably elated and +elevated, and more particularly confirmed in his +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_5">[Pg 5]</span>original intentions respecting his choice of that +lady.</p> + +<p>Jack felt as if he were treading on air as he +paced down Bond Street to call on some other +friend, in order to make a new confidence, no +doubt; however, the Fates decided otherwise, +for, in turning the corner of Hanover Square, +whom should he stumble upon, but Rushton!—a +meeting which, as he had magnanimously determined +to leave him in the quiet possession of +the elegant Blanche, rather pleased him than +not. Rushton, whose “affection” for Jack was, +if possible, stronger than that of Sir Charles +Lydiard, made a desperate attempt to get away +from him, not only because upon a general +principle he wished to avoid him, but because +the impression on his mind was, that ridiculous +as the idea might at first appear, <em>he</em> actually +was the creature for whom Blanche had withdrawn +her affections from him, and that if they +had much conversation, his temper would get +the better of the prudence he meant to adopt +until his suspicions were confirmed, and that +he might resort to the expedient of kicking +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_6">[Pg 6]</span>Jack somewhat prematurely. The rencontre +was, however, inevitable.</p> + +<p>“On your way to the ladies, I presume,” +said Rushton.</p> + +<p>“No,” said Jack, “not till the evening; I +suppose we shall meet.”</p> + +<p>“Perhaps not,” said Rushton, to whom +Jack’s air and manner appeared peculiarly pert +and vulgar,—and he passed on. Jack turned +and kept up with him.</p> + +<p>“Strange creatures, the females!” said Jack, +perking up his head and smirking.</p> + +<p>“They <em>are</em>, indeed!” said Rushton, as the +thought of Blanche’s affection for the burr +which was sticking to him, flashed across his +mind.</p> + +<p>“’Gad, Rushton,” said Jack—(Rushton +shuddered at the familiarity)—“wonders will +never cease!—<em>you</em> are a happy man, with such +a creature as Blanche Englefield your own.”</p> + +<p>“That’s a sore subject,” said Rushton, “and +we had better not touch it. I know you are an +admirable joker,—but jokes, especially practical +ones, not unfrequently turn out ill.”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_7">[Pg 7]</span></p> + +<p>“I know what you are up to,” said Jack:—“down +upon you in half no time, smack, +smooth, and no mistake.”</p> + +<p>“I dare say you may comprehend my +meaning,” said Rushton; “but I repeat, +that if you do, my present feelings are not +to be trifled with; and if you do not, this +is neither the time nor place to enlighten +you.”</p> + +<p>“Don’t put yourself in a passion,” said +Jack; “you never were more mistaken in your +life.”</p> + +<p>“Upon what point?” said Rushton.</p> + +<p>“About Blanche,” replied Brag.</p> + +<p>“Really, sir,” said Rushton, “you are +treading upon very delicate ground. You +have entrapped me into a conversation which +it was my particular wish and desire to avoid +in the present state of affairs; but you have +now led me to a point at which I cannot stop. +You have alluded to a young lady in the most +familiar manner, who, in my opinion, has been +exceedingly civil to you, and I really do consider, +under the circumstances in which I am +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_8">[Pg 8]</span>placed, I ought to know exactly the character +of your intimacy with her.”</p> + +<p>“I shouldn’t wonder!” said Jack: “it only +shows how the longest heads may be puzzled. +You’ll find out all how and about it, before +to-morrow—eh!—are you awake?”</p> + +<p>“Awake!—I am,” said Rushton, “yet I +seem to be dreaming. Do you then admit that +your acquaintance with Miss Englefield, whom +you so unceremoniously call Blanche, is so +near its favourable termination?”</p> + +<p>“My dear Mr. Rushton,” said Brag, “you +are safe—at least, as far as I am concerned: +there are more horses in the stable than one—eh!—are +you awake now? No? I’ll put +you out of your pain then—I hate to be +cruel;—never am, even to dumb animals, +except when I want ’em to stir their stumps a +bit. No, no: if anybody in the house has +cause for jealousy, it isn’t <em>you</em>. Will that do +for you—eh?”</p> + +<p>“What!” said Rushton, “am I to understand +that Mrs. Dallington——”</p> + +<p>“Mum!” said Brag, bursting to proclaim +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_9">[Pg 9]</span>his wonderful success—“dumb as a Dutchman:—the +widow’s the winner, fifty to +one.”</p> + +<p>“You are joking!” said Rushton.</p> + +<p>“Not I,” said Jack:—“thing settled, snug—smack +smooth, and no mistake. I know +you don’t half like Sir Charles. I’ll settle <em>his</em> +affair: I speak, of course, in confidence—but +so it is:—the thing is what the French call a +<i lang="fr">finny affair</i>.”</p> + +<p>“Surely, this never <em>can</em> be!” said Rushton. +“What! after all the declarations I have +heard her make—all her regrets that his coldness +of manner so much damped her natural +affection for him: after——”</p> + +<p>“Lord bless your heart!” said Brag, “there’s +no accounting for females—weathercocks—eh!”</p> + +<p>“I cannot comprehend it,” said Rushton: +“even had—”</p> + +<p>“Do you believe it?” said Brag.</p> + +<p>“You say it, Mr. Brag,” said Rushton;—“it +must be so.”</p> + +<p>“I’ll do more,” said Jack: “we are both +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_10">[Pg 10]</span>in the same boat, and shall be near connexions.”</p> + +<p>“Yes,” said Rushton, in a tone not expressive +of the feelings which the anticipation really +excited, “so we shall;—well?”</p> + +<p>“Well then,” said Jack, “you must keep +the secret:—when a female is concerned, a +man ought to be as still as a dead horse. I’ll +show you her own note,—in course, not a +word to anybody.”</p> + +<p>Saying which, he took out his pocket-book, +and selected with more than ordinary care the +widow’s favourable billet. Rushton would +have seized it, such was his anxiety to convince +himself of the truth of his companion’s statement, +but Jack would not part with it. Rushton +saw it was her writing, and read enough to +satisfy himself not only that it was a genuine +document, but actually the identical letter +which he had seen her despatch in the presence +of Sir Charles Lydiard and himself—a +fact which, however much it might relieve +him from all apprehension of Brag’s further +interference with his proceedings, was in an +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_11">[Pg 11]</span>instant coupled in his mind with the circumstance +of Blanche having upon the same occasion +also sent off a hateful three-cornered note +to somebody else. How subtle are the workings +of a jealous mind!—one evil overcome, +up starts another: one doubt is removed only +to make room for its instant successor.</p> + +<p>“You see what she says,” said Brag. “What +d’ye think of Sir Charles now—eh?—<em>he</em> hasn’t +been awake! That, I think, is a finisher for <em>him</em>. +I shouldn’t have shown you this, but I know—I +am sure, you thought I was beating about +after Blanche—and fancied that <em>she</em>—eh?”</p> + +<p>“I fancy nothing now,” said Rushton—“Blanche +is all faith and truth!”—(“Umph!” +said Brag, dying, but not daring, to show <em>her</em> +up too.)—“But Mrs. Dallington,” continued +he—“well! I have often told Lydiard that +he was taking it too easy, and too calmly, +and all the return I got was his reproach +for being too hasty and too <i lang="fr">exigeant</i> in my +demands upon the reason and consistency of +women in general. I knew what would happen.”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_12">[Pg 12]</span></p> + +<p>“Was that since I became acquainted with +her?” said Brag.</p> + +<p>“Long before,” said Rushton: “and as for +Blanche,” continued he, still ‘harping’ upon the +letter, “mild and amiable as she is, I dare say +even <em>she</em> deceives me sometimes.”</p> + +<p>“I shouldn’t wonder,” said Jack, looking +excessively cunning.</p> + +<p>“You are a comforter to a doubting man,” +said Rushton.</p> + +<p>“Well, good-bye!” said Jack. “In course, +you’ll take no notice of what I have said. I +think we had better have the double marriage +the same day—eh! Mrs. Dallington Brag will +sound well. I think I shall startle Lord Tom:—so, +mum! as I say:—keep my counsel, +and it will all come off smack smooth, right up, +straight down, and no mistake!”</p> + +<p>Saying which, Brag quitted his wondering +companion at the top of Harley Street, to which +this dialogue had extended their walk; and +darted across the New road to a livery stable, +where two or three of his horses, which did <em>not</em> +belong to him, were standing at livery.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_13">[Pg 13]</span></p> + +<p>Rushton’s feelings were considerably excited +by the disclosure which his companion had +made. His indignation was roused by the +assurance and vanity of the coxcomb, ready to +sacrifice the character of a woman who had +owned her affection for him, to the gratification +of boasting of her good opinion; while his sympathy +was seriously awakened for Sir Charles +Lydiard. That he had been, as he had long +suspected, made the dupe of a heartless woman, +was now a fact incontrovertibly established; +and Rushton considered it his duty to Sir +Charles, for whom, however uncongenial their +characters and opposed their dispositions +might be, he could not fail to entertain a +high respect and esteem, to make him acquainted +with what he had heard from Brag,—or +rather, which was most convincing, that +which he had seen in his possession, in order +that he might spare himself the needless mortification +of receiving a formal dismissal from +the widow, as well as to rescue him from a +further continuance of a system of hypocrisy +and deception, for which, although it was impossible +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_14">[Pg 14]</span>not to admit it, it was most difficult +reasonably to account.</p> + +<p>Naturally enough, these considerations upon +Sir Charles Lydiard’s affair led to some reflections +upon his own. Blanche, the gentle and +the mild, was the sister of the woman who had +conducted herself with such heartless levity +and indelicate duplicity—not only her sister, +but her constant associate—her confidante, no +doubt. The last pert toss of Brag’s empty +head had its weight in these calculations: it +was most unquestionably to be inferred that +there was no great difference between the conduct +or character of the two sisters. But +what was a hint or innuendo from such a person? +Nothing!—unless backed up and corroborated +by testimony so convincing as that +which he had afforded of the widow’s levity +and fickleness.</p> + +<p>Rushton’s thoughts, however, still rested on +Sir Charles Lydiard. A little more reflection +upon the matter strengthened him in his first +intention, of imparting all he knew to the worthy +baronet—an intention which he more particularly +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_15">[Pg 15]</span>determined to put in practice, inasmuch +as a communication between them might elicit +something beneficial to both.</p> + +<p>Accordingly Rushton proceeded to the hotel +at which Sir Charles was living, and found +him at home and alone. When he entered the +room where he was sitting, he was sensibly +struck by an unusual embarrassment in his +manner, and a kind of affectionate air in his +reception of him. Rushton felt assured that +he knew the worst. They sat down; but the +difficulty which Rushton naturally experienced +in opening the subject uppermost in his mind, +was increased by the evident agitation of the +baronet. A few commonplace observations, and +questions about riding, or walking, or dining, +were soon exhausted. At length Rushton asked +his friend if he should be at Mrs. Dallington’s +during the day or evening.</p> + +<p>“I think I shall go there in the evening,” +said Sir Charles, and his voice faltered:—a +pause ensued.</p> + +<p>“Have you heard from either of the ladies +this morning?” asked Rushton.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_16">[Pg 16]</span></p> + +<p>“No,” replied Lydiard, looking earnestly +at his friend—“have <em>you</em>?”</p> + +<p>“Not I,” said Rushton—and then came +another pause. “What extraordinary creatures +women are!”</p> + +<p>“They are indeed, Rushton,” said Sir Charles. +“Pray, have you happened to meet that most +odious of persons, Mr. Brag, in the course of +your walk or ride to-day?”</p> + +<p>“I have,” said Rushton, in a tone much +more serious than the subject seemed to require, +at the same time fixing his eyes steadily +upon the unhappy victim before him.</p> + +<p>“He is extremely popular with the women,” +said Sir Charles, “which strikes me as one of +the strongest proofs of the impossibility of +comprehending the nature of their minds and +tastes.”</p> + +<p>“It does seem curious,” said Rushton, “that +anything so vain and so vulgar should have +the power to induce women of sense, education, +rank, and character, to forfeit all claims to +respect and esteem by favouring his pretensions.”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_17">[Pg 17]</span></p> + +<p>“Pray, Rushton, did the fellow make any +communication to you?” asked Sir Charles.</p> + +<p>“Upon what subject?” said Rushton.</p> + +<p>“A very tender and important one,” replied +the baronet: “indeed, if you had not +called, I should have endeavoured to find +you before dinner, to have spoken to you +upon it.”</p> + +<p>“Why, he certainly did say something,” +said Rushton,—“and that something was very +important.”</p> + +<p>“Did he show you a letter?” said Sir Charles.</p> + +<p>“He did,” replied Rushton.</p> + +<p>“Well, then, we can speak without further +disguise,” said Sir Charles;—“were you not +thunder-stricken?”</p> + +<p>“It merely confirmed me in my often repeated +opinion,—that we know nothing of women,” +said Rushton.</p> + +<p>“You have often told me you thought there +was something of the sort going on between +them,” said Sir Charles; “but I take matters +so much more coolly than you do, that, I confess, +it appeared to me little else than the common +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_18">[Pg 18]</span><i lang="fr">badinage</i> in which a pretty woman dearly +loves to engage.”</p> + +<p>“Ah! Sir Charles,” said Rushton, “it is that +very coolness of which you boast that has done +all the mischief.”</p> + +<p>“I don’t exactly see that,” said Sir Charles. +“You will find that I shall bring my young +widow into perfect subjection, more especially +after this adventure of the chattering +Brag.”</p> + +<p>“After!” said Rushton—“why, my dear Sir +Charles, what on earth do you mean? That +after the exposure of falsehood and flightiness, +delusion and deception, which this fellow has +had the good fortune to excite, and has now +the vanity to exhibit in the public streets, +you would marry Mrs. Dallington, if you +could?”</p> + +<p>“My dear friend, why not?” said the baronet. +“I may, and do, feel deeply for all the +results which you enumerate, and agree with +you in your surprise that such results should +have occurred: it seems perfectly miraculous!—but, +however much I may sympathize with +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_19">[Pg 19]</span>you, there can be no reason why I should give +up Mrs. Dallington.”</p> + +<p>“Did you read the letter Brag received?” +said Rushton.</p> + +<p>“I did,” replied Sir Charles, “twice over—and, +I assure you, was exceedingly shocked +and amazed.”</p> + +<p>“My dear Sir Charles,” exclaimed Rushton, +“are you made of ice?—‘exceedingly shocked!’ +is <em>that</em> a phrase consistent with the discovery of +such a proof of infidelity as <em>this</em>?”</p> + +<p>“What can I say more, Rushton!” said Sir +Charles. “You must feel the blow most severely, +especially with your vivid imagination +and excessive sensibility; but for <em>me</em>, I have +only to thank my stars that my fair widow is +still my own.”</p> + +<p>“Your own!” cried Rushton:—“what! +after she has accepted Brag!”</p> + +<p>“<em>She</em> accept Brag!” said the baronet, opening +his eyes rather wider than usual—“no, no—that +would be rather too much of a joke!”</p> + +<p>“Why, she <em>has</em> accepted him!” said Rushton, +dashing his hand on the table.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_20">[Pg 20]</span></p> + +<p>“In your circumstances, Frank,” said Sir +Charles, “one would not venture to suspect a +joke:—but, whatever may have been the indiscretions +of the meek and modest Miss Englefield, +Mrs. Dallington has, I flatter myself, too +much good sense to be betrayed into any such +absurdity.”</p> + +<p>“Why, you told me you had seen the letter,” +said Rushton.</p> + +<p>“So I have,” replied Sir Charles, “but +most assuredly no letter of her’s.”</p> + +<p>“Whose then?” exclaimed Frank.</p> + +<p>“Why,” said Sir Charles, “Blanche’s letter.”</p> + +<p>“Letter to whom?” cried Rushton, starting +from his chair.</p> + +<p>“To her accepted lover, Brag,” replied the +baronet.</p> + +<p>“<em>Her</em> lover!” cried, or rather screamed, the +infuriate Rushton. “My dear friend, what +do you mean?—what does it all mean?”</p> + +<p>“I mean merely,” replied Sir Charles, “that +Mr. Brag was good enough to show me the +letter in question, which was written to him +by Miss Blanche Englefield, accepting the +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_21">[Pg 21]</span>offer of his hand,—and that I read it twice +over.”</p> + +<p>“Why, then, the world’s at an end, Lydiard!” +cried Rushton. “Blanche false!—Blanche!—Oh! +why was I deceived?—why +was I duped?”</p> + +<p>“I really don’t know,” said Sir Charles, in +a tone which, by the contrast it afforded to the +convulsive exclamations of his agitated friend, +seemed to imply that he did not very much care.</p> + +<p>“But how do <em>you</em> bear it, Sir Charles?” +said Rushton. “These women are worse than +women usually are. He showed me a letter +from the widow,—your widow! Sir Charles,—couched +in exactly the same terms.”</p> + +<p>“What!—accepting him?” said Sir Charles.</p> + +<p>“Upon my honour and life! yes,” said +Rushton. “What on earth does it mean? +That dear, calm, mild—I shall go mad—raving +mad!—Wretch that I am!”</p> + +<p>“Stop, Rushton,” said Sir Charles; “follow +my advice; sit down, and take rest and comfort.”</p> + +<p>“Comfort!”</p> + +<p>“Yes, comfort,” said the baronet. “I see +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_22">[Pg 22]</span>through all this in a moment. While there +was but one letter, and one traitress, it was all +possible, though not probable; the two settle +the affair:—it’s a trick.”</p> + +<p>“A trick! my dear Sir Charles,” said Rushton—“no, +no! To think that that fair creature +should so far forget herself—no, no:—I +am sure she never could have written—”</p> + +<p>“My dear friend, I saw and read the letter,” +said Sir Charles, “and I repeat it is all a +trick. How could two women, living on the +terms upon which Blanche and her sister live, +accept the same man in one day? No doubt, +this wretched little creature has been persecuting +them with his attentions, and they have +undertaken this scheme as the precursor of his +unceremonious rejection.”</p> + +<p>“But why write?” said Rushton—“why—”</p> + +<p>“For the better carrying on of the plot,” +continued the baronet:—“<em>you</em> trust their +letters—<em>I</em>, their hearts. That very empty +coxcombs may, and do, succeed sometimes, is +too notorious to be denied; but here the case +is totally different, in my opinion. The fat +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_23">[Pg 23]</span>knight, in the hands of the Windsor wives, +was in a more enviable position than our little +steeple-hunter is at this moment in those of one +maid and widow.”</p> + +<p>“Do you really think so?” said Rushton, +his rage moderating a little.</p> + +<p>“Think!” replied Sir Charles—“consult +your own common sense; a moment’s reflection +proves it.”</p> + +<p>“Upon my life! I begin to think so too,” +said Rushton. “But there is one thing which +seems to me absolutely necessary, not only to +assure us of their good intentions, but to vindicate +our own characters and worry them in +their turn,—I mean, that whether these notes +are or are not intended to entrap and expose +Mr. Brag, <em>we</em> should consider them serious, +and act upon the information we have received +from their adorable imp.”</p> + +<p>“I shall go to Mrs. Dallington’s,” said Sir +Charles, “this evening, as usual, see how +things look, and proceed accordingly.”</p> + +<p>“Yes, but don’t let us believe everything +we hear too readily,” said Frank.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_24">[Pg 24]</span></p> + +<p>“What! still jealous—still doubting?” said +the baronet.</p> + +<p>“No, not that,”—said Rushton, “I will be +there too; and while you touch upon the subject, +I will watch their eyes.”</p> + +<p>“The telegraphs again,” said Sir Charles.</p> + +<p>“Yes, there one may read the language of +the heart,” said Rushton.</p> + +<p>“Leave the management of the affair to me,” +said Sir Charles: “I can conduct myself more +calmly and moderately than some people. Rely +upon it, my widow shall not get out of this +little manœuvre without some trouble.”</p> + +<p>“You will not distress her?” said Rushton.</p> + +<p>“A woman in tears looks remarkably interesting,” +said the baronet.</p> + +<p>“I love to see her dear countenance drest in +smiles,” said Rushton, “and I do hope you—”</p> + +<p>“We will go this evening together,” said +the baronet. “See how I conduct myself towards +Mrs. Dallington, and if you do not +choose to follow my example, at least profit by +experience.”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_25">[Pg 25]</span></p> + +<p>“I confess,” said Rushton, “I am by no +means satisfied; yet all you say—”</p> + +<p>“Is all that is to be said on the subject,” +said Sir Charles. “So now I am at your service +for a walk or ride till dressing-time, and, +if you have nothing better to do afterwards, +for a <i lang="fr">tête-à-tête</i> cutlet at Crocky’s; we can +there talk over our future proceedings for the +evening, and suggest some method of utterly +exterminating John Brag, Esq.”</p> + +<p>“Kicking him first, and shooting him afterwards,” +said Rushton, “is what I should respectfully +recommend.”</p> + +<p>“Oh! dear no,” said Sir Charles, “most +assuredly neither the one nor the other; he +shall live to amuse us upon some other occasion: +without a few tigers and lions, society +would be ‘flat, stale, and unprofitable.’ So, +come away, and, I flatter myself, you will see +me this evening at Mrs. Dallington’s in something +very like a new character.”</p> + +<p>It was under this engagement the friends +proceeded on their stroll, Rushton feeling infinitely +less at ease than the baronet, who +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_26">[Pg 26]</span>viewed the affair in its true light, and was +fully resolved upon having his <i lang="fr">revanche</i> after +his own plan.</p> + +<p>What the state of Brag’s feelings might +have been during the few hours which preceded +the deciding visit to the same scene, it is +scarcely possible to imagine. Mr. Ducrow can +ride two, or even three, horses at once; and +some other equally astounding artist is able to +dance upon two tight ropes at the same time; +but to manage two ladies under the circumstances +in which Brag had placed himself, seems +to be a task Herculean by comparison with +either of the others. A man less conceited and +self-assured would either have seen through +the trick which they had so justly played upon +him, or if he could have imagined the result +possible, would have excused himself from +accepting the invitation of either lady, when +both were for the same night; but Jack took +it for granted that he had, as he called it, +“knocked them both over,” and that, as the +“females” were “cunning creturs,” each one +would so contrive to play her own game, as not +to awaken the suspicions of the other.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_27">[Pg 27]</span></p> + +<p>As the time approached, Johnny made the +most careful preparations for dressing. Never +was anything so smart and spruce as the dapper +cockney in what he called his “genteel comedy” +dress; and by nine o’clock he was all +ready for the conflict. Circumstances, however, +as we shall see, conspired to delay his appearance +at the widow’s, and Sir Charles and Rushton +arrived before him. It was judged, however, +better, for the furtherance of their scheme, +that Rushton should not make his appearance +in the drawing-room at the same time with his +friend; he therefore made an excuse to the +servant, that he wished to write a letter before +he went up stairs, and bade him put lights in +the library in order that he might do so. Sir +Charles proceeded to the drawing-room at once, +and found the ladies alone, evidently waiting +the arrival of Brag, whose exhibition was not +intended by them to have been witnessed by +anybody but themselves. Their surprise at +the appearance of Sir Charles was, however, +speedily changed into a feeling of a very different +nature, by finding him colder, more +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_28">[Pg 28]</span>gloomy, and more reserved than even <em>he</em> was +usually.</p> + +<p>(“Rely upon it,” said Mrs. Dallington to her +sister, “Mr. Brag has been blabbing.”)—“My +dear Sir Charles, you seem vastly out of spirits.”</p> + +<p>“There are circumstances in the world which +affect us to such a degree, madam,” said Lydiard, +“as to render a concealment of the +feelings they excite impossible.”</p> + +<p>“To what do you allude, Sir Charles?” +said Mrs. Dallington, really concerned at perceiving +what she could not doubt to be the +successful result of her manœuvre.</p> + +<p>“I mean, madam,” said Lydiard, “that a +woman who permits the unequivocal attentions +of a lover—encourages those attentions—nay, +goes the length of admitting her affection for +him, and then betrays him and accepts a rival, +strikes a blow to his heart, the anguish of +which cannot be disguised.”</p> + +<p>“Rely upon it,” said Mrs. Dallington, “<em>you</em> +have no cause for the grief you describe.”</p> + +<p>“I! madam,” said the baronet,—“I am +not speaking of myself: no, no—<em>my</em> sorrow +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_29">[Pg 29]</span>and anxiety are excited by a sympathy for my +poor friend, Rushton. Oh! Miss Englefield, +what must your feelings be when you know +the state of mind to which he is reduced? He +has discovered all. He is aware of the transfer +of your affections, and is, as I verily believe—mad!”</p> + +<p>“Mad!” said Blanche.</p> + +<p>“Yes,” said Sir Charles; “his feelings, as +you well know, are strong—his passions violent. +His conduct this afternoon I consider very little +short of insanity.”</p> + +<p>“Under similar circumstances, Sir Charles,” +said Mrs. Dallington, “<em>you</em> perhaps would not +be so violently affected.”</p> + +<p>“Certainly not, madam,” replied Sir Charles; +“but I can feel deeply for a friend who is. +To <em>my</em> advice only will he be indebted for a +speedy restoration, as I hope, from his alarming +state. I have found the means, and I rejoice +to know that he has adopted them.”</p> + +<p>“What may they be, Sir Charles?” said +Blanche, her eyes filling with tears.</p> + +<p>“Very simple, and, in my opinion, not +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_30">[Pg 30]</span>particularly disagreeable,” said Sir Charles. +“There is a certain Miss Harrington, a most +amiable, beautiful girl, who is avowedly in +love with him,—Julia Harrington, I think, +she is called.”</p> + +<p>“Y-e-s,” stammered Blanche, “I—know—I +have seen her—”</p> + +<p>“Well,” said the baronet, “after what he +had communicated to me of your conduct, it +appeared to me, that as you had thought proper +to reject him in a way so decided as by accepting +another gentleman, which—forgive me, if I +am wrong—he told me you had done, it was the +most judicious thing in the world for him to +transfer his affections to the young lady of +whose compassion he was perfectly secure, and +for whom, I happen to know, he entertains a +very high regard, to call it by no other or tenderer +name.”</p> + +<p>“And,” said Blanche, “did he take your +advice, and fly to her at your suggestion?”</p> + +<p>“Not exactly,” said Sir Charles; “I had +to drive him to her father’s house in my cab; +and although he certainly resisted at first, I +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_31">[Pg 31]</span>eventually succeeded in settling him into an +invitation to a family dinner with them, where, +I conclude, he is now sipping his claret, and +making himself acceptable to the fair daughter +of the house.”</p> + +<p>“What on earth shall I do!” said Blanche +to herself:—but her ejaculation was not so +completely “mental” as to escape the attentive +ears of the worthy baronet, who felt his own character +change, and his disposition alter, as he +witnessed the gradual success of his stratagem.</p> + +<p>“I think, Sir Charles,” said Mrs. Dallington, +who was now convinced that <em>her</em> proceedings +with Brag were yet unknown to him, “that +you might have spent the last few hours of +your life more profitably than in separating +two fond hearts.”</p> + +<p>“Fond hearts!” said Sir Charles—“the +acceptance of a rival is no particularly strong +proof of fondness. No—let him marry where +he is loved; and as for myself, Mrs. Dallington, +I shall content myself with waiting a little +longer for the happiness which, I trust, my +friend will shortly enjoy. I hope, madam, +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_32">[Pg 32]</span>some day to find, like Rushton, a woman who +will condescend to love me truly and faithfully. +My pretensions, I own, are inconsiderable; +but I have at least the merit of sincerity and +honesty. I admit that these are not such +striking qualifications as those of Mr. Brag, a +preference for whom I am aware you have +exhibited, and upon which I have the honour +to congratulate both you and myself. I wish +you a very good evening, ladies.”</p> + +<p>Saying which, Sir Charles walked out of the +room, leaving Mrs. Dallington and Miss Englefield +in a state of stupor and amazement. That +Brag should be laughed at by them, and made +the subject of a scene which should in the end +prove to their lovers the utter contempt they +had for the pretender of whom those lovers +were both jealous, was, as the reader knows, +the main object of their scheme; but the mean +opinion even <em>they</em> entertained of the man—if +man he may be called—did not induce them to +suspect the possibility of his exhibiting their +two letters to his rivals.</p> + +<p>Their own agitation, and the manner Sir +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_33">[Pg 33]</span>Charles assumed during the conversation, gave +them no opportunity of explaining away the +affair, and they sat looking at each other for +<span id="TN1">two or three minutes</span> without speaking, convinced +that the anger of Sir Charles was genuine, +and the story he had told true; for although +it was part of their object, or at least +of Mrs. Dallington’s, to agitate the feelings of +their devoted swains, it was most assuredly not +their intention either to drive Sir Charles into +old bachelorism, or hurry Rushton into a marriage +with Miss Harrington.</p> + +<p>“Well,” said Mrs. Dallington, “this has +somehow taken a wrong turn. I admit that +Sir Charles’s agitation pleases me; it is what I +hoped for;—although certainly I did not think +that Mr. Brag was quite so great a monster:—but +for <em>you</em>, Blanche—”</p> + +<p>“I am lost,” said Blanche, “for ever! Oh, +sister, sister!—why did I lend myself to this +scheme? If Rushton marries that Miss Harrington, +what on earth will become of me!”</p> + +<p>“There it is, Blanche,” said Mrs. Dallington; +“while you had him all to yourself, you +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_34">[Pg 34]</span>never were at rest,—always quarreling, always +reproaching, always accusing and defending.”</p> + +<p>“True,” said Miss Englefield, “but what +are such quarrels? I know his heart—I know +his good qualities—I can see his imperfections;—but +that I love him sincerely is now my +greatest misfortune.”</p> + +<p>Little did Miss Blanche Englefield think +that this most unequivocal declaration of the +state of her heart and feelings was clearly and +distinctly heard by Mr. Francis Rushton himself, +who having, instead of dining at General +Harrington’s, as Sir Charles had stated, entered +the boudoir, in which there was no light, +from the staircase, at the moment that his +friend was giving his account of the proceedings +of the morning, and not venturing to interrupt +the thread of a narrative which was to +form so important a feature of <em>their</em> scheme, +had dropped himself quietly into a well-stuffed +chair in a corner of the room, where he lay +<i lang="fr">perdu</i>, not daring then to make his appearance, +which would, of course, overthrow the authenticity +of Sir Charles’s story; and afterwards +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_35">[Pg 35]</span>being ashamed of admitting, by presenting himself +to the ladies, when the worthy baronet was +gone, that he had, under such circumstances, +overheard the declaration which had given him +such unqualified delight.</p> + +<p>“Well,” said Mrs. Dallington, “of one thing +it assures us, at all events, that however the +warmth of the one and the coldness of the other +may at times have excited our suspicions of fidelity +in one instance, or affection in the other, it +is now clearly established that they are both +sincerely attached to us.”</p> + +<p>“And what consolation is that to <em>me</em>?” said +Blanche—“or how can I ever atone to myself +for having, at your suggestion, answered the +impertinent note of that odious, foolish creature, +Brag? What must Frank think of me?—to +prefer such an animal to <em>him</em>!”</p> + +<p>“Well, but surely, Blanche,” said Mrs. Dallington, +“Rushton’s devotion to <em>you</em> cannot +have been so entirely exclusive. I have heard +him vowing that he would die if you rejected +him; instead of which, he immediately sets +about making another match the moment he +thinks you have cast him off. If he had chosen +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_36">[Pg 36]</span>to kill himself, you could not help it, you +know.”</p> + +<p>“Oh! sister, sister,” said Blanche, “do not +for the world talk of such a thing:—Rushton +kill himself for <em>me</em>!”</p> + +<p>“Yes: it was his course of proceeding,” +said Mrs. Dallington, “to agitate, excite, and +alarm you into loving him. Sir Charles’s line +with me has been totally different. It is our +duty to ourselves to conceal our feelings now, +however strong they may be; our honour demands +the sacrifice.”</p> + +<p>“Honour! my dear sister,” said Blanche,—“honour +consists in deceiving no one. As for +Rushton, you would at this moment be delighted +to find Sir Charles as jealous of <em>you</em> as you +have often seen <em>him</em> jealous of <em>me</em>. Miss Harrington +has long been attached to him, and now +by this silly scheme, as I must call it, I have +driven him to return that affection. If he could +know the anguish I feel at this moment, he would +best know how to appreciate my regard and +esteem.”</p> + +<p>The tears that followed these words were more +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_37">[Pg 37]</span>than Rushton could bear. His apparent meanness +in listening—the certain overthrow of +Sir Charles’s scheme—every consideration but +one was forgotten; and starting from his corner, +he rushed into the drawing-room, and in +an instant was on his knees before his beloved +Blanche.</p> + +<p>“I am here!” said Rushton,—“is this +enough?”</p> + +<p>“Mercy on me!—Mr. Rushton!” cried +Blanche.</p> + +<p>“What!” said Frank, “did you—could +you for a moment believe that I should act as +Lydiard has told you I had done? No, no, +Blanche! I am at your feet—your slave eternal: +my heart—my hand—my fate, are all at +your disposal.”</p> + +<p>“So,” said Mrs. Dallington, “Sir Charles +Lydiard is the wise manager of this scheme.”</p> + +<p>“Yes,” said Rushton, “he saw through the +trick you were playing, which I was mad +enough to believe a matter-of-fact.”</p> + +<p>“And how might <em>you</em> have become acquainted +with the story?” asked Mrs. Dallington.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_38">[Pg 38]</span></p> + +<p>“Your double victim,” said Rushton, “was +so elated by his success, that, in order to relieve +Lydiard’s weak mind, he showed <em>him</em> Blanche’s +tender billet; and in order to prove what a +dupe Lydiard was, he exhibited yours to <em>me</em>.”</p> + +<p>“Was there ever such a detestable wretch +upon earth!” said Mrs. Dallington.</p> + +<p>“You know he is coming here this evening,” +said Rushton.</p> + +<p>“He shall not be let in,” said Mrs. Dallington.</p> + +<p>“Oh! yes, by all means let him in,” said +Rushton. “All care is now banished from our +hearts; let us celebrate the happy termination +of all our uncertainties by a sacrifice.”</p> + +<p>“As you like,” said the fair widow. “And +where is Sir Charles?—is he gone?”</p> + +<p>“Not he,” said Rushton: “he is in the +library, I take it. His scheme is not yet half +complete, but he may now spare himself the +trouble of working it out.”</p> + +<p>“I may indeed,” said the worthy baronet, +entering the drawing-room through the boudoir, +where he hoped to have found Rushton +still ensconced, and the mystification still in +progress.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_39">[Pg 39]</span></p> + +<p>“They know all,” said Rushton.</p> + +<p>“As I did before,” said Sir Charles. “I +was perfectly aware of the character of their +proceedings towards our formidable rival, but I +am equally satisfied with yourself that we deserved +such a return for our doubts of those +we so dearly prize. I admit that I have been +jealous, from an excess of esteem; Frank has +been jealous from an excess of love. It is time +to terminate these little bickerings; and if my +dear Mrs. Dallington will be content with such +a heart as I have to offer, it is hers, entire +and undivided.”</p> + +<p>“This is a very extraordinary proceeding,” +said Mrs. Dallington. “I am taken entirely by +surprise; however, Sir Charles, I know of no +great advantage in concealing a generous feeling +of attachment which I admit to exist—and so—we +will consider of it to-morrow.”</p> + +<p>“My dear sister,” said Blanche, “I began +to be very angry with you at one time.”</p> + +<p>“When you thought you should lose Rushton,” +said Mrs. Dallington. “But I never was +much agitated, because I did not give that implicit +credit to Sir Charles’s history of Julia +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_40">[Pg 40]</span>Harrington, which you, who were so much more +interested, and therefore so much less able to +form a just opinion upon it, did; and I was +at all events satisfied, that if your devoted +had, in the course of two hours, made up his +mind to a new <i lang="fr">affaire du cœur</i>, his <i lang="fr">cœur</i> was +not much worth caring for.”</p> + +<p>“Well,” said Sir Charles, “I confess myself +happier than I have been for these two years.”</p> + +<p>At that moment, it being about half-past ten +o’clock, the drawing-room door was thrown +open, and—“Mr. Brag!” announced. The +effect produced was infinitely greater than the +hero of the night himself imagined. The cause +of his being so late was this;—he had anticipated +that the “females,” each manœuvring in +her own behalf, would not only have contrived +to find opportunities for separate <i lang="fr">têtes-à-têtes</i>, +but that his widow, who, of course, had the +control, would so have arranged that there +should be no visiters to interrupt them. When +he first reached the house, he found Sir Charles +Lydiard’s carriage at the door. This annoyed +him considerably, and he retired for more than +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_41">[Pg 41]</span>an hour, thinking that the “bore” of a baronet +might have dined with his intended, and that he +would go early. Upon his return at the latest +possible period at which he felt he could with propriety +seek admission into so regular a family +as Mrs. Dallington’s, there he still found the +eternal carriage of Sir Charles Lydiard. In +order to show the earnestness of his feelings, and +his anxiety to keep his double appointment, he +resolved to pay his visit, however inconvenient +the presence of other company might be. He +grasped the knocker: the thunder resounded +through the hall. The door was opened; and +after the purgatorial process of mounting the +stairs,—there he stood, in the middle of the +circle,—“as large,” or perhaps we had better +say as small, “as life!”</p> + +<p>It is difficult to describe the various sensations +created by his appearance—the indignation +of the women, or the sovereign contempt +of the men, increased tenfold by his vain, dirty, +and unprincipled exhibition of the letters. +However, although there had been no time for +preconcerting any course of behaviour towards +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_42">[Pg 42]</span>him, it seemed simultaneously to strike the two +happy couples, to treat him in that sort of easy, +commonplace manner, which might leave him +without the slightest suspicion that the whole +of the affair was known or understood, and so +give him scope for a little of that admirable +management with which he used to boast he +“carried on the war,” and to which, it was +evident, he must resort, to maintain his position +relatively to his two captives.</p> + +<p>“You are late, Mr. Brag,” said Rushton.</p> + +<p>“Yes,” said Brag, “I have been dining +with some monsters who sit and drink wine. +Upon my life! we had to swallow four or five +bottles after dinner, before coffee was ordered:—that +I call a bore, and no mistake.”</p> + +<p>The time to which this description referred +had been expended by this exemplary man in +walking up and down and round about the +neighbouring streets, until he should see the +departure of the baronet’s carriage. Little did +he imagine what had occurred in that very +drawing-room during the period of his peregrinations.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_43">[Pg 43]</span></p> + +<p>“I ought to apologize to <em>you</em>,” said Brag, +addressing himself to the widow, with a look +which the other three perfectly understood;—“but +Lord Tom had two or three young +fellows to dine with him—wanted me to do +the honours and be <i>crowpee</i>; so I couldn’t say +no,—for Tommy is a right good fellow, and no +mistake, although <em>some people</em> don’t patronize +him.”</p> + +<p>“I <em>thought</em> Lord Tom, as you call him,” +said Sir Charles, “was at Dover.”</p> + +<p>“Came to town this afternoon, and goes back +to-morrow,” said Jack, not in the slightest degree +abashed or confounded.</p> + +<p>Sir Charles whispered something to Mrs. +Dallington, which seemed very much to impugn +the truth of Jack’s statement; during +which little <i lang="fr">entretien</i>, Jack drew his chair +close to Blanche’s, and with a look which nearly +destroyed the serenity of the rest of the +party, said, in a low tone, “I was determined to +be here this evening, let what might happen.”</p> + +<p>“I appreciate your kindness and consideration,” +said Miss Englefield.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_44">[Pg 44]</span></p> + +<p>“I was thinking,” said Brag, in that sort of +confidential whisper in which all the branches +of the Brag family speak nothingnesses to +handsome women, in hopes that they may be +mistaken for somethings, “that you are too +hard upon Rushton. What you say in your +note is too severe: give him a trial. There’s +no accounting for temper. I had a cover hack +once,—as pretty an animal as ever stepped,—but +his temper was unaccountable bad. Instead +of flogging or pulling him, I bore with +him, and humoured him,—tried him with a +snaffle instead of a curb,—and at last he went +as quiet as a lamb.”</p> + +<p>“What!” said Blanche, assuming the same +tone,—“you recommend patience, and advise +forbearance!—I scarcely expected this.”</p> + +<p>“Upon my honour!” said Jack, “you know +I <em>can</em> mean nothing but what’s right up, +straight down, and no mistake. I like Rushton +very much, and, I must say, I do think you +don’t give him a fair chance. I mean, if +that’s the cause of your separating—”</p> + +<p>“What,” said Rushton, “are you talking +about me?”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_45">[Pg 45]</span></p> + +<p>“Nothing you need mind hearing,” said +Brag. “You,” continued he, rising from his +seat, and leaning over Rushton’s chair,—“you +are not like our poor friend the baronet in the +next room—he, he, he!—eh?”</p> + +<p>“No,” said Rushton; “he seems entirely +devoted.”</p> + +<p>“Strange blindness!” said Jack. “But, I +say, Rushton,—now that Blanche is gone to +join them,—upon my life, I cannot help congratulating +you upon that. She <em>is</em> charming; +so mild—so gentle—eh! Do <em>that</em> off-hand—take +my advice—hit the nail on the head—strike +while the iron’s hot: settle—sign—seal—eh!—black +and white, and no mistake.”</p> + +<p>“I think I shall,” said Rushton.</p> + +<p>“Blanche, dear,” said Mrs. Dallington, “if +you have any voice, sing us one of those little +things of Rossini’s.”</p> + +<p>“Voice!” said Blanche,—“I have neither +voice nor inclination to sing.”</p> + +<p>“Do!” said Brag, taking her hand affectionately—“delight +me! To-morrow I will +explain all I said just now.”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_46">[Pg 46]</span></p> + +<p>Blanche turned from him with a shudder, +which he mistook for a mark of sensitive affection, +and proceeded to the piano-forte, to which, +much to her delight, Brag saw Rushton accompany +her. It was evident to the conspirators +that Brag attributed Mrs. Dallington’s proposition +for singing to a desire for a few minutes’ +conversation with <em>him</em>, because he knew enough +of society to know that a young lady’s song is +the signal for the general untying of tongues; +and that people who have been all the evening +sitting as silent as the grave, immediately begin +to talk and flirt the moment the music +begins. To favour Brag’s too palpable design, +Sir Charles left Mrs. Dallington’s side to make +way for the pretender, and joined the happy +couple at the piano-forte.</p> + +<p>The bait was swallowed—the baronet’s vacated +place was instantly occupied, and Brag as close +as he could be to Mrs. Dallington in a moment. +The symphony was luckily long and loud.</p> + +<p>“How shall I thank you enough,” said +Brag, “for your note? It settles my fate:—all +done, snug and comfortable. I <em>could</em> tell +you such a story!—but mum for the present. +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_47">[Pg 47]</span>How you <em>can</em> go on with that most worthy +Sir Charles! upon my life you are too bad;—he +believes that you are desperately in love +with him at this minute—that I know;—and I +know more,—that he is desperately in love +with <em>you</em>: however, he may stay or go, now, +just as he pleases. My dear Mrs. Dallington, +you have bound me in eternal gratitude:—all +will go well—and, by Heavens! I swear—”</p> + +<p>“Sir Charles, Sir Charles!” said Mrs. Dallington, +“do leave those players and singers +alone. Mr. Brag is getting so dreadfully tender, +that I don’t know what upon earth to do +with him. I must have you, if you please, to +break the particularity of a <i lang="fr">tête-à-tête</i>, and to +play propriety in that corner.”</p> + +<p>“The devil!” said Brag, in more than a +whisper—“what the deuce are you about?”</p> + +<p>“What! is our friend getting particularly +animated?” said the baronet.</p> + +<p>“Not particularly, Sir Charles,” said Brag; +“I was merely saying <em>that</em>, which, under the +circumstances, is mere matter of business, as I +conceive. I may be wrong—but I like candour +and openness nevertheless, and no mistake.”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_48">[Pg 48]</span></p> + +<p>This sentiment, expressed in the loudest tone +of voice, reached the fair syren and her swain; +the lady ceased playing, and the pair burst out +into a violent fit of laughing.</p> + +<p>“Well,” said Brag, who began to get uncommonly +angry, “that’s civil, considering +how things stand at present.”</p> + +<p>This remark threw Mrs. Dallington and Sir +Charles into an equally powerful convulsion of +mirth with that of the other couple.</p> + +<p>“I can’t help laughing at <em>you</em>, Lydiard,” +said Rushton.</p> + +<p>“Nor I at <em>you</em>, Rushton,” said the baronet.</p> + +<p>“Well, it is all very good fun, I dare say,” +said Brag, “but, for <em>my</em> part, I see no joke in +your laughing at each other: there’s not much +to laugh about in any of it, if you come to that.”</p> + +<p>Here the four members of the party all +laughed ten times louder than before.</p> + +<p>“I am not aware,” said Brag, “what you +are all so very merry about.”</p> + +<p>“Why, Mr. Brag,” said Blanche, with one +of her sweetest looks, “we are all laughing at +you!”</p> + +<p>“At <span class="allsmcap">ME</span>!” said Brag.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_49">[Pg 49]</span></p> + +<p>“Yes, Mr. Brag,” said the widow;—“when +gentlemen choose to write duplicate love-letters +to two sisters, and then show their answers +to the two gentlemen to whom these ladies are +engaged, don’t you think the affair, when discovered, +becomes rather ridiculous?”</p> + +<p>The laugh which followed this question was +so loud, that the voice of the servant, who announced +supper,—a light and social meal to +which the agreeable widow was strongly addicted, +and to which her favourite guests were +always specially invited,—could scarcely be +heard.</p> + +<p>“What!” said Brag, “have you been hoaxing +me? Why, this is too bad!”</p> + +<p>“Not at all, Mr. Brag,” said the lady of +the house. “Had the conduct of either my +sister or myself been such as to encourage your +pretensions, we might have excused your addressing +either of us; but when you undertake +to make two proposals at once, the pity we +might have been inclined to feel for your blindness +is turned into a sentiment which, as supper +is waiting, I will not stop to describe. +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_50">[Pg 50]</span>Come, Sir Charles, give me your arm; Mr. +Rushton, take care of Blanche. We are going +to supper, Mr. Brag. Good evening!”</p> + +<p>“Good evening, Mr. Brag!” said Blanche, +making a low curtsey to the astounded little +man.</p> + +<p>“Good night, Mr. Brag!” said Sir Charles, +bowing formally.</p> + +<p>“Brag, good night!” said Rushton, nodding +to him familiarly; and the happy quartett +went laughing down stairs to their symposium, +leaving Mr. John Brag as cold as ice and as +white as a sheet, standing on the hearth-rug +with his back to the fire-place, transfixed, as it +were, to the spot. The world was at an end! +His eyes rested upon the marquetrie and the +buhl, and the ebony and the ivory, and the +Sevres and the Dresden, and the large looking-glasses, +and the Louis-Quatorze tables,—all of +which he had, half an hour before, considered +his own goods and chattels; and there he would +have stood till “morning’s dawn,” had not one +of the footmen, more considerate than the rest, +gone up to him and asked him if he should +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_51">[Pg 51]</span>call a cab for him, for that it had set in a very +wet night.</p> + +<p>It was all too true!—this appeal awakened +him from his dream. He declined the offer, +took his hat, and descended the staircase to +the hall; passed the door of the library where +the supper had been served; heard the clatter +of plates, and the peals of mirth which were +doubtless ringing at his cost, and stepped from +the door of his lost paradise into a thick mizzling +rain with a sharp wind, which drifted +right into his blanched face, saturated his thin +shoes, and made him as bodily miserable as he +was mentally unhappy.</p> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> +<div class="chapter"> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_52">[Pg 52]</span></p> + + + <h2 class="nobreak" id="CHAPTER_II"> + CHAPTER II. + </h2> +</div> + + +<p>After this most disagreeable ejectment, the +character of which might be well expressed in +the words which Mr. Kane O’Hara has put +into the mouth of the kicked-out-of-Heaven +Apollo, who calls his expulsion from the higher +regions and his fall to earth, “a pretty +decent tumble!” it may naturally be supposed +that our sprightly friend, Jack, was +rather out of sorts. As he baffled the wind +which drove the sharp rain peppering into his +eyes, new lights seemed to burst upon him; +and in recalling to mind the whole course +of his proceedings with the ladies, “trifles light +as air,” came one after the other to his recollection, +which, coolly and calmly combined, +tended to exhibit himself <em>to</em> himself in anything +but a favourable point of view.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_53">[Pg 53]</span></p> + +<p>He began all at once to perceive that the +lovers as well as the ladies had all along been +playing upon him; and the idea that both of +them should have accepted him seemed, in the +midst of the soaking shower, an absurdity only +to be equalled by his having himself made the +double proposal. In fact, it is quite curious, as +a matter of natural history, to consider the extraordinary +effects produced upon the pretender +by the wretchedness of his present position; +and one might have hoped that such an exposure, +and such a degradation, would have +cured his affectation and pretension for ever:—but +no. As soon as the next day dawned and +the sun again shone, Jack’s despondency was +at an end, and his natural disposition for +bouncing rather sharpened than checked by +the desire he now felt of showing how little +he cared for his late disaster, and how much +better he could do for himself now that he +was freed from his self-imposed fetters.</p> + +<p>It nevertheless suggested itself to him, that +it would be wiser and more prudent to choose +another sphere of action; for, besides having a +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_54">[Pg 54]</span>better chance of success, it would remove him +for the present from the town which held the +ladies and their lovers, with all or any of whom +he felt a meeting for the next few weeks would +be extremely disagreeable.</p> + +<p>In casting about for a retreat, he recollected +that Lord Tom, as Sir Charles had truly said, +was staying at Dover; and as that circumstance +would secure him a friend, and probably +some introduction into society there, he +determined upon following his noble friend thither +forthwith; and therefore upon his often-tried +principle of figuring in print amongst +the great and gay, he caused his portmanteau +and bag to be deposited at a hotel in the vicinity +of his town “plate,” at which he slept +that night, and at the door of which the +Branch Coach of the Dover Union, would +call for him the next morning, and convey +him to The Bricklayers’ Arms, with the +certainty that he would, on the second day +after his arrival on the coast, find amongst the +“fashionable departures” in the fashionable +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_55">[Pg 55]</span>London newspapers, the words—“Mr. Brag, +from Pumpkin’s Hotel, for Dover.” It would +have been easier to have slept at his lodgings +at Kennington, and hired somebody to carry +his baggage from his “little place in Surrey” +to the Kent Road—but no:—then he must +have been at the expense of paying for the +announcement of his own removal, whereas by +his present arrangement he got <em>that</em> gratis, and +flourished at the hotel for a few hours for less +money than the insertion would have cost him, +had he adopted the other means.</p> + +<p>At one time, soon after his father’s death, +Jack made an attempt at popularity amongst +the sicklies at Cheltenham, and contributed to +one or two public charities, and two or three +private subscriptions for distressed objects. +Upon these occasions he regularly transmitted +his donation to the printer of the newspaper, +with directions to deduct the charge of inserting +his name and liberality in the columns of +his “widely circulated” journal, and hand +the balance of whatever he enclosed to the +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_56">[Pg 56]</span>charity:—for instance, one pound for the subscription, +and five-and-twenty shillings for advertising +his benevolence three times.</p> + +<p>This ostentatious virtue has a parallel in an +anecdote recorded, falsely or correctly, I know +not which, of a late celebrated dissenting preacher, +who, upon the occasion of visiting a family +reduced to a dreadful state of poverty, found the +father of four or five starving children shirtless +in bed; his necessities having driven him to sell +his last remaining garment. A sight like this, +could not fail to move so exemplary a man: he +desired the children to quit the room, and forthwith +divested himself of the shirt he himself +wore, to “cover the nakedness” of the emaciated +sufferer. This being done, the children +were called back, and bid by their parent to +go on their knees to the pious minister, who +had deprived himself of his own garment to +comfort their father. They did so; they wept +for gratitude,—and they did more: all four of +them went,—one east, one west, one south, and +one north,—and proclaimed the excellence of the +pastor; and when he quitted the house which he +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_57">[Pg 57]</span>had adorned by his presence, women, standing +at their doors, bent lowly before him, and pointed +him out to the babes in their arms, whom he +blessed; and when their husbands came home +from work the story was told, and repeated, until +at length it reached the “public,” who joined +in the praise and admiration, which soon became +general. What would they have said or thought +if they had known that this saintly person, who +had won all their love and gratitude, had, in +order to produce the desired effect, put on, before +he left home, the particular shirt which +he thus sacrificed <em>over the one that he actually +wore</em>!</p> + +<p>It might be thought an ill compliment to +one of the parties, to make a comparison between +this departed worthy and Jack Brag; but +if the history be a true one, there is not much +to choose between them. Jack however found, +that with all his much-spoken-of benevolence, +he could gain no solid advantage by conciliating +the affections of a maiden lady, whose fortune +he knew to be considerable, and who was +of a most charitable turn of mind, and he +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_58">[Pg 58]</span>therefore quitted Cheltenham nearly as much +discomfited as he now found himself on his +departure from London—only the retirement +in that case had been altogether voluntary. +In his last failure his exit was far less qualified, +and, in truth, he felt very much like the gentleman +who in ancient verse says—</p> + +<div class="poetry-container"> + <div class="poetry"> + <div class="stanza"> + <div class="verse indent0">“Perhaps it was right to dissemble her love;</div> + <div class="verse indent2">But why did she kick me down stairs?”</div> + </div> + </div> +</div> + +<p>The journey to Dover is not one which requires +much space for detail, although scarcely +a road out of London affords more striking +evidence of the wealth and importance of the +British metropolis. The frequent glimpses of +the majestic Thames, bearing on his ample +breast a daily fleet of countless vessels, and +which especially strike the foreign traveller just +on leaving Milton, where the expansive reach of +the Upper Hope first catches the eye,—are full +of beauty and interest. The verdant fields and +“hedge-rows green,” with the hop-gardens in +full bloom, clustering even more gracefully +than the boasted vine, afford a delightful contrast +to the wide waste of <i lang="fr">la belle France</i>, which, +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_59">[Pg 59]</span>perhaps, one has just left; while, as far as +comforts go, the inns at Rochester, Sittingbourne, +and Canterbury, afford all that can be +desired, at least to those who can afford to +desire them.</p> + +<p>Amongst the mutations of fashion, few appear +to be so reasonable as that by which Dover +(the “<span lang="la">Clavis et repagulum totius regni</span>,” +as Matthew Paris calls it) has become a place +of favourite resort for the best society. It +combines a great variety of attractions, and, +as long as England continues at peace with +France, the daily intercourse between the two +countries produces a constant activity, and a +change of visiters every twenty-four hours, for +the enlivenment and amusement of those who +take up their residence in it for the season.</p> + +<p>“No promontory, town, or haven, in Christendom +is so placed by nature and situation, +both to gratify friends and annoy enemies, as +this town of Dover. No place is so settled to +receive and deliver intelligence for all matters +and actions in Europe from time to time; no +town is by nature so settled either to allure +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_60">[Pg 60]</span>intercourse by sea, or to train inhabitants by +land, to make it great, rich, fair, and populous; +nor is there in the whole circuit of this +famous isle, any port, either in respect of security +or defence, or of traffic or intercourse, +more convenient, needful, or rather of necessity +to be regarded, than this of Dover.”</p> + +<p>So sayeth Sir Walter Raleigh, in his memorial +to Queen Elizabeth; and if that much-injured +worthy were alive to see his favourite +town at this period, he would be quite satisfied +that his successors in this transitory world have +ably worked out his principle. The people of +the present day are assiduously continuing +their improvements under the sanction of the +illustrious Lord-Warden. Nor are the improvements +in the port and harbour the only +testimonies of its flourishing condition; squares, +gardens, streets, rows, crescents, parades, esplanades, +and terraces, are rising from the beach, +and form a delightful contrast to the business-like +appearance of the thickly-thronged pier, +and the London-like gaiety of Snargate, with +all the attractions of Muddle’s and Mummery’s.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_61">[Pg 61]</span></p> + +<p>In this agreeable <i lang="fr">locale</i> was John Brag, Esq. +deposited at a quarter before seven o’clock; +and having caused himself to be set down at +the corner of a lane leading up to one of the +best houses in the place, he called a little boy +with a ragged jacket and well-tarred trowsers, to +carry his portmanteau and bag to one of the +smallest hostelries in the town, which stands in +Church Street, and rejoices in the sign of “The +Three Mackerels,” at which “hotel” Brag proposed +to occupy an apartment at the very top +of the house,—for the benefit of the air.</p> + +<p>The first desideratum in mechanics is the +production of the greatest possible power in +the smallest possible space; and the attainment +of this advantage, in a moral point of view, +was the ever-present object of Jack’s ambition; +that is to say, to make as much show as possible +at the least possible expense:—for Jack, +in the outset of his feverish efforts at settling +himself in good society, had disbursed so largely, +that it had become a matter of prudence, if +not of necessity, to “shave close.” Several of +his greatest friends were his largest debtors; +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_62">[Pg 62]</span>and Lord Tom Towzle, as has been before +hinted, had not unfrequently availed himself +of Jack’s anxiety to oblige. Having, in two or +three instances, discovered that either the well +was dry, or that the pump would not work, his +lordship had latterly given up soliciting the +aid of his lively acquaintance, but at the same +time had evinced less desire for the advantages +of his agreeable society. Jack, however, who +was one of the regular cur tribe, who sneak +back to the vulgar great upon the “cut and +come again” principle, resolved, if he could not +get his principal out of the penniless lordling, +to take his interest in the way of introductions +to good company; and so, like Sinbad’s old +man, he took the earliest opportunity of mounting +his lordship the next morning.</p> + +<p>After a night, not blest with the most soothing +dreams, Jack rose from his bed, dressed, and +descended from his eyrie, resolved to find Lord +Tom in time for his morning meal; and having +discovered a back entrance to the alehouse +in which he had stowed himself away, he proceeded +by that route to the “Ship” inn, where, +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_63">[Pg 63]</span>he guessed—and, as it turned out, correctly—his +noble friend was staying:—and there, as he proposed, +surprised, not altogether agreeably, his noble +friend in the act of sitting down to breakfast.</p> + +<p>“Why, Brag,” said his lordship, “what the +deuce has brought you here? Where’s the +widow? Has Lydiard shot himself?—or have +you shot him, and bolted?”</p> + +<p>“None of it,” said Brag:—“no—that +game’s up:—cut the connexion altogether, +smack, smooth, and no mistake. Lydiard may +have her—win her and wear her for his pains. +Rather too cunning for me—can’t bear forwardness—eh!—you +take. I value nothing that +does not require some hunting after.”</p> + +<p>“What!—then you have abandoned her,” +said Lord Tom; “left her mourning!—hard-hearted +Jack!</p> + +<div class="poetry-container"> + <div class="poetry"> + <div class="stanza"> + <div class="verse indent0">‘Sick with desire, and seeking him she loves,</div> + <div class="verse indent0">From street to street the raving Dido roves.</div> + <div class="verse indent0">So when the watchful shepherd from the blind,</div> + <div class="verse indent0">Wounds, with a random shaft, the careless hind,</div> + <div class="verse indent0">Distracted with her pain, she flies the woods,</div> + <div class="verse indent0">Bounds o’er the lawn, and seeks the silent floods</div> + <div class="verse indent0">With fruitless care; for still the fatal dart</div> + <div class="verse indent0">Sticks in her side, and rankles at her heart.’”</div> + </div> + </div> +</div> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_64">[Pg 64]</span></p> + +<p>“There it must stick,” said Jack—“that’s +all I know. I’m off there: I have seen enough +of that house and its inhabitants:—old birds are +not caught with chaff—eh! No, no—I know +enough of the females to take care of myself.”</p> + +<p>“Come,” said Lord Tom, “sit down, and +eat: my notion is, that starving is good for no +complaint. Keep your heart up by keeping +your stomach full; so, now</p> + +<blockquote> +<p class="no-indent">‘Rebellion’s dead and let us go to breakfast.’”</p> +</blockquote> + +<p>Brag needed no more pressing invitation to +do ample justice to the substantial repast which +was placed before him; and his exertions in +the way of replenishing afforded very satisfactory +evidence that he was not pining for the +loss of his “ladye-love,” and that his indifference +was genuine and sincere.</p> + +<p>“All the world here,” said Lord Tom—“not +a house to be had—people you know +by dozens. How long do you stay?”</p> + +<p>“Never pin myself to time,” said Jack—“as +long as I find it pleasant. Have about +fifteen invitations to different places in the +country:—can’t cut myself into bits—go to as +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_65">[Pg 65]</span>many as I can. This fish is uncommon good—eh!—fresh +out of the water, and no mistake.”</p> + +<p>“How’s your mother, Jack?” said Lord +Tom.</p> + +<p>“Can’t say,” said Jack; “haven’t seen her +since the ‘Bridge’ day.”</p> + +<p>“Then you don’t know whether she has forgiven +you?” said his lordship.</p> + +<p>“Oh! she’s like me,” said Brag, “she don’t +bear malice. I dare say it’s all right, up and +straight down, and no mistake, by this time. +Talking of that,—are there any likely females +for a matrimonial concern here?”</p> + +<p>“Why,” said his lordship, “I have been +here so short a time, that I can’t present you +with a list; but in the afternoon the band will +play on the Parade, and we’ll go and see the +turn-out. You still stick to the marrying +line?”</p> + +<p>“Yes,” said Jack, “when I can see one to +suit. I’ll have another cup of tea, my lord,” +continued he. “I say—talking of suiting—just +look there—of course tiled, as I say:—read +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_66">[Pg 66]</span><em>that</em>, and then, I think, you won’t wonder +at my cutting the widow.”</p> + +<p>Saying which, the generous gentleman, the +<em>kickee</em> of the family, tossed the accepting letter +of Mrs. Dallington across the table to his lordship, +for his perusal and edification.</p> + +<p>“Well,” said Lord Tom, “what in the world +would you have?—here is consent, or the +deuce is in it. I don’t see exactly how you +could get out of the business after this.”</p> + +<p>“I tell you, my lord, I cut and run,” said +Jack. “What I saw the evening before last, +when I went, settled it. I took my hat and +walked—wouldn’t even stop to supper:—a +regular turn off.”</p> + +<p>“What <em>did</em> you see,” said Lord Tom.</p> + +<p>“Mum!” said Jack, “that never passes my +lips. Where the female sex is concerned, honour +is everything. I know you wouldn’t wish +me to say more: the thing’s over now, and +there’s an end: but if I <em>do</em> marry, rely upon +it, neither Mrs. Dallington nor Miss Englefield +shall visit my wife: that’s all:—<i lang="fr">entree +nows</i>, as the French says, and no mistake.”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_67">[Pg 67]</span></p> + +<p>“Well, I am sorry to hear this,” said Lord +Tom; “for although, somehow, I was never a +favourite there, I had the merit of introducing +you to them, and I wish the acquaintance had +been more satisfactory. I suppose they will +take up with their long-dangling lovers.”</p> + +<p>“Perhaps yes,” said Brag, putting his finger +to his nose—“perhaps no: that’s no affair +of mine. All <em>I</em> mean to say is, the ladies +are ‘much of a muchness,’ as I <em>could</em> show +you—only, as I say, honour’s the thing, and +no mistake.”</p> + +<p>“I believe, Jack,” said Lord Tom, “you +have a great deal to answer for. What’s gone +with the unfortunate victim of your success +whom we met in Regent Street?”</p> + +<p>“Hang me if I know!” said Jack. “Poor +girl! I sometimes do think of <em>her</em>. Wouldn’t +do now for a wife—but—else—nice little thing +in her way.”</p> + +<p>“Didn’t you say she was somehow connected +with you?” said Lord Tom.</p> + +<p>“Yes, distantly—very distantly,” said Jack, +wondering in his own mind when he had ever +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_68">[Pg 68]</span>been sufficiently candid, or drunk, to have +admitted the connexion in any degree whatever: +“her brother, the Major, married a relative +of mine.”</p> + +<p>“I think it is rather lucky,” said Lord Tom, +“that her brother, the Major, does not take it +into his head to make some enquiries upon the +subject of the affair.”</p> + +<p>“He’s abroad,” said Jack; “besides—all +snug—never suspected. Her mother wonders +why I have cut them, no doubt:—out of my +line—can’t keep on visiting:—one thing at +one time, eh! different at another, you know. +Don’t mean to marry her, eh!—a little too +late, eh!—all that sort of thing.”</p> + +<p>Lord Tom, since the affair of the “Bridge” +appointment, and the disclosures which the +respectable Mrs. Brag had thought proper to +make upon that occasion, began to grow a little +more suspicious of his friend’s strict adherence +to the truth than he previously had been; +but as he was bound to countenance him as +long as he remained in society, by his pecuniary +obligations to him, he resolved to keep +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_69">[Pg 69]</span>secret all the facts which had come to his knowledge, +but at the same time more attentively +to watch his future proceedings: indeed, the +matter of Mrs. Dallington’s note which he exhibited, +combined with Brag’s manner in describing +his own indignation and disgust, had +the effect of rather unsettling his mind upon +<em>that</em> business, and he resolved to write to somebody +in town for a correct version of the break-off, +which, under the circumstances, could not +fail to create a sensation in—as everybody calls +his own circle—“the world;” Lord Tom thinking, +that if Jack were convicted of romancing +at the expense of the characters of all the men +and women with whom he was permitted to +associate, it would be absolutely necessary to +shake him off, and leave him to any legal remedy +he might think fit to adopt for the recovery +of the money he had borrowed of him, +which his lordship quite well knew he had lent +as a consideration for any good offices which +he might be able to do for him in the way of +patronage.</p> + +<p>After the discussion of breakfast, my lord +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_70">[Pg 70]</span>and his little-expected tiger began their perambulations. +The Pier was visited, although +the freshness of the breeze kept the “females” +from that delightful promenade. In the course +of their walk they encountered a certain Sir +James Gunnersbury, an old artillery officer of +Lord Tom’s acquaintance, who with the greatest +warmth and cordiality invited his lordship +to dine with him that day <i lang="fr">sans-façon</i>, if he +happened to be disengaged.</p> + +<p>The critical moment had arrived, and Jack, +who heard the invitation given, actually shook +with apprehension as to the course his noble +friend might think fit to pursue; his delight +was great, however, when he heard his noble +patron hesitatingly decline the bidding on the +score of being engaged to “his friend, who was +on a visit to him for a few days.” The truth +was, that Lord Tom had no great inclination to +accept the invitation, and rather wished to back +out upon the plea of being tied to his visiter. +The gallant officer, however, was quite resolved +to have him, and entreated his lordship to do +him the favour to present him to his companion, +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_71">[Pg 71]</span>in order that he might express his wish +that <em>he</em> also would honour him and Lady Gunnersbury +with his company.</p> + +<p>To Jack this was the most agreeable thing +in the world; and if it had not been so, it +would have been extremely difficult to evade it. +Brag looked at his lordship, who made no sign +of either a negative or an affirmative character, +and accordingly his “friend” bowed, rather +awkwardly, and said he should be most happy: +and the affair being settled, Sir James, “his +pig-tail fluttering in the wind,” made the best +of his way home to the house which he and his +family occupied in the Parade.</p> + +<p>“Rather a nuisance,” said Lord Tom, +after he had taken his departure: “deuced +dull his parties in town:—Lady Gunnersbury, +the greatest bore on earth—and two daughters, +who sing all night; a remarkably slow +coach of a son,—and not a particularly good +cook. However, we may see something to +amuse us.”</p> + +<p>“Daughters!” said Brag: “rich—eh?”</p> + +<p>“Poor as church mice, I take it,” said his +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_72">[Pg 72]</span>lordship, “and no beauties:—fancy themselves +blue.”</p> + +<p>“Blue!” said Jack—“what an odd notion.”</p> + +<p>“Very odd, indeed,” replied Lord Tom; +“but they talk—as you will hear. All I hope +is, it is not a mere family party—for we shall +die of the blues ourselves if it is.”</p> + +<p>Brag, who was too happy at the idea of +opening a new connexion, now that he saw his +noble friend’s kindness of manner towards him, +began to wish that he had at once proceeded to +“The Ship,” instead of having studied economy +so deeply as to ensconce himself in a minor and +obscure house of entertainment;—it would be +so much more convenient—so much more agreeable—and +he could then be continually with +his noble friend:—but now the great difficulty, +in his small mind, was how to get his portmanteau +and bag conveyed from “The Three +Mackerels” to the leading hotel of the place. +This required considerable dexterity to manage, +but at last his genius triumphed; and +having got into his apartment, he sent for a +fly, in which he deposited his property; and +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_73">[Pg 73]</span>having driven to the hotel, paid the fly-driver +his fare, and dismissed him without permitting +him to exchange a syllable with any of the +waiters, or ostlers, or porters near, which might +have the effect of enlightening them as to the +“place from whence he came:” such pains and +trouble did he always take, to seem to be, that +which he was not, nor ever could be.</p> + +<p>Upon this special occasion he was remarkably +unfortunate; for although he had managed +so much of the affair as has just been +described, he was not destined to sail out of it +altogether with flying colours. It was about +five o’clock in the afternoon when some gay +friends of Lord Tom’s had just arrived at the +“Ship,” whence they were to start for Calais +in the morning, to whom his lordship had just +introduced our hero, and the coffee-room was +thickly peopled with persons of certain consideration, +when a waiter advanced to Jack, who +was laying down the law about some horse +that was to run at Doncaster in a somewhat +authoritative tone, and told him a young woman +wished to speak to him.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_74">[Pg 74]</span></p> + +<p>“Hallo! Jack,” said Lord Tom—“what! +at your old tricks already!—more fascinations—no +time lost. Where is she?”</p> + +<p>“At the door, my lord,” said the waiter.</p> + +<p>“I’ll come this moment,” said Jack. “’Pon +my life! I don’t know what it means.”</p> + +<p>“By Jove! but we’ll see,” said his lordship; +and accordingly he and the two or three men +of his group who perceived that they might presume +a little upon the goodnature of their new +acquaintance Brag, rushed out into the hall, +where stood before them on the steps, a poor +wretched-looking girl, wearing black stockings, +a cracked chip bonnet, a begrimed gown, and +a dirty green baize apron.</p> + +<p>The moment the horrid vision met Brag’s +eyes, he recognized it:—it was the one sole, +solitary she-servant of the pot-house he had +so skilfully abandoned.</p> + +<p>“Oh! sir,” said the girl,—“I beg your pardon,—but +missus found your nightcap and +comb in the attic after you were gone—so she +bid me run and bring them to you.”</p> + +<p>“Where do you come from, my dear?” +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_75">[Pg 75]</span>said Lord Tom, with a killing gravity of countenance.</p> + +<p>“‘The Three Mackerels,’” said the girl, +“where that little gentleman in the white cords +slept last night.” Saying which, she produced +the articles in question,—the cap not bearing +quite the lily-hue, and the comb, unclean as it +was, being somewhat scant of teeth.</p> + +<p>The expression of Jack’s countenance at the +moment this exhibition took place was beyond +description wretched. The friend and associate +of Lord Tom Towzle—the companion of peers +and dandies—to be the owner of two such +objects!—as the French say; and that those +<i lang="fr">objets</i> should have been transmitted to him +from the “attic” of “The Three Mackerels,” +where he “had slept the night before!”</p> + +<p>But the worst was not yet over:—what was +he to do with the cap and comb, now that he +had gotten them?—for he had, almost unconsciously, +taken them into his possession:—Throw +them away he could not; deny them he +dare not,—for, upon the edge of the cap, the +letters B, R, A, G, were marked in red silk +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_76">[Pg 76]</span>capitals. Must he “quit the gay throng,” and +carry them himself up to his present dormitory?—or +must he spread the history of the affair +still more, by handing them over to a waiter or +a chambermaid to deposit them there for him?</p> + +<p>The laughter which this incident provoked it +was impossible for the spectators entirely to +conceal; and the fact that it elicited, as to the +“<em>venue</em>” of Jack’s last night’s lodging, did not +at all decrease Lord Tom’s suspicions that his +friend was habitually disposed to justify his +possession of the name in which he rejoiced.</p> + +<p>Brag thought, and thought wisely, that the +best thing he could do was to, what he called +“cut and run;” and so if he could not check +the mirth which the exposure of his weakness +had excited, he might at all events escape the +misery of hearing it ringing in peals round his +devoted head; accordingly, grasping the nightcap +and comb, and devoutly wishing both of +them midway between Calais and Dover, or +anywhere else in the world but where they +were, he bounded up stairs to his newly-acquired +apartment.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_77">[Pg 77]</span></p> + +<p>Had so miserable an animal as a punster +been present at Brag’s sudden departure, there +would have doubtlessly been sundry criminalities +committed in the way of quibbles, about +Brag’s being armed <span lang="fr"><em>cap</em>-a-pied</span> but not <span lang="fr"><em>comb</em>-il-faut</span>, +or some such nonsense; luckily, however, +the audience and spectators were well-bred, +well-dressed gentlemen, and disdained a +joke with as much sovereign contempt as if they +could have made one themselves. They looked +at each other; those with moustachios twisted +their whiskers—those with none, rubbed their +foreheads; and all of them turned involuntarily +to Lord Tom, as the sun of the sunflowers, +in hopes of ascertaining who the little +gentleman in the white cords was, who had just +run up stairs with part of his bed-room furniture +from the sign of “The Three Mackerels.”</p> + +<p>Lord Tom was a man of the world, as the +reader may naturally believe: by his manner +he repudiated any intimate acquaintance with +Jack; proclaimed him an excellent rider, light +weight, and up to any hounds; and further +announced his intention of taking him over +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_78">[Pg 78]</span>to Paris, to “astonish the natives” in the +Champ de Mars by carrying off all the prizes +at the races on the following Sunday, to the +infinite dismay of the sporting world of that +lively city. His lordship accompanied this +account of his obsequious friend with an indescribable +look, which left his lordship entirely +exonerated from any responsibility on +the score of his manners or habits, and gave +a tone to the character of the <i lang="fr">liaison</i> between +them, in the smallest degree flattering to the +vulgar coxcomb who had recently escaped.</p> + +<p>When the hour of dressing for dinner approached, +Brag “showed” again—the coast +was then clear; but Lord Tom, if he had not +very much desired to benefit himself by Jack’s +only available accomplishment on the turf, and +had not moreover felt conscious of the “debt +of honour, which must be paid,” would most +gladly have either persuaded him not to accompany +him to General Gunnersbury’s, or to permit +him to send an excuse on account of a +sudden attack of spasms—a raging tooth-ache—or +any other of those “ills which flesh is +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_79">[Pg 79]</span>heir to,” and which, as Dr. Short told Mr. +Brown in India, make no external show; but +Jack would not give his lordship the slightest +chance or opportunity to get off the engagement.</p> + +<p>It was just as the clock was striking seven +that Lord Tom and his squire proceeded on foot, +enveloped in cloaks to screen themselves from +the effects of a regular gale of wind across the +bridge, and pursued their way along the coast, +making first for Mrs. Dutsell’s baths, and thence +taking a fresh departure for the great bombardier’s +hospitable mansion on the Parade—a perfect +silence having been observed by both parties +as to the episode of the cap and comb, +any reference to which, Lord Tom knew would +be unpleasant to his companion, and the particulars +of which he thought it most judicious +not to touch upon, since, as the reader knows, +his lordship meant to make use of Jack on the +race-course.</p> + +<p>When the visiters entered the drawing-room, +Lord Tom was horror-struck and Jack delighted +at finding a large party already assembled, +amongst whom were several people whom he +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_80">[Pg 80]</span>knew, and some few whom he did not know; +however, the body consisted of not less than +fourteen persons, who were destined to be crammed +into a dining parlour, licensed, by size, +not to carry more than ten inside.</p> + +<p>Jack was presented to Lady Gunnersbury, +who did not hear his name, and subsequently +to the two young ladies—young by courtesy—upon +whom Jack, very shortly after the performance +of the ceremony of introduction, began +to play off some of his most insinuating +tricks. The way in which the tall, gaunt +damsels looked at him, most forcibly reminded +Lord Tom, who was watching his progress, of the +regards of mingled curiosity and surprise with +which the Brobdignagian virgins considered +Gulliver; Jack, however, nothing daunted, went +off at score; and during the dreadful quarter +of an hour before dinner, when the company +were as cold and as stiff as wax-work, Jack’s +voice was specially audible. When, however, +dinner was announced, the unfortunate interference +of precedence with pleasure threw him +out, and he found himself last, and “least,” +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_81">[Pg 81]</span>except young Gunnersbury, to quit the drawing-room, +the fair ladies of the party being appropriated +to persons having ascertainable rank, +and <em>he</em> left next what he called the “crowpee,” +with the back of his head exposed not only to +the draughts of wind from the sea, which found +their way through the hall, but to certain +thumps and bumps of the door of the room itself, +whenever it was necessary to open or shut it.</p> + +<p>The “crowpee” was, of course, young Gunnersbury; +and Jack’s left-hand neighbour was a German +baron, who spoke no English. The heir of +the house was particularly fine; and even if he +condescended to notice any of the stray guests +whom his father was in the habit of inviting, +while they were actually at table, made a point +of cutting them dead, if he met them anywhere +else the next day. He took an inveterate +aversion at first sight, from Jack and his curls +and studs, and never deigned even to look at, +much less to speak to him, throughout the rest +of the dinner: Jack’s position was therefore +not particularly enviable.</p> + +<p>To describe accurately Lady Gunnersbury’s +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_82">[Pg 82]</span>character and conversation is, I apprehend, +beyond the reach of pen. The old lady, who +neither looked, nor, it is to be presumed, felt +old, lived in a state of perpetual anxiety to +talk to everybody near and about her, upon +every subject which they might be discussing, +being at the same time most punctiliously, or +rather pesteringly, civil and attentive to her +guests, especially at dinner. This assiduity +was derived from the age and mode in which +she had been educated; and her evident anxiety +to talk with everybody about everything +arose from the circumstance of her having once +been deaf for several years together, of which +infirmity, Time, or some successful aurist, had +cured her. It was her desire to show not only +that she was no longer deaf, but that she +could hear half a dozen things at once, and +reply to them all, that produced an effect of +which I despair of being able to convey even +a faint idea.</p> + +<p>On the right hand of her ladyship, who assumed +the head of the table, sat the Earl of +Dullingham; on the left, Lord Tom, next to +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_83">[Pg 83]</span>whom the Countess was placed, on the right +hand of Sir James Gunnersbury, on whose left +was Mrs. Carnaby; next to her was seated a +Mr. Paddle, and between him and the “crowpee” +Mr. Carnaby. Next the earl, on the other +side of the table, was the elder Miss Gunnersbury; +and between her and her sister Sir +Henry Rockly. Next to the younger miss was +deposited the German baron; and between the +baron and the “crowpee,” Brag.</p> + +<p>Seated and settled, and the soup discussed, +the conversation became general, but not universal. +The neighbours who were acquainted with +each other began to chat; the Earl and Maria—the +Countess and Sir James—Lady Gunnersbury +and Lord Tom—Rockly and Eliza—Paddle +and Mrs. Carnaby—Carnaby and young Gunnersbury;—but +Brag and the Baron were basketed. +Had Brag been placed next either of +the girls, he flattered himself, from the play he +had made up-stairs, and the way in which his +little attentions had been received, that he should +have got on remarkably well, and no mistake; +but being hedged in between two men, one of +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_84">[Pg 84]</span>whom could not, and the other of whom would +not, speak, was anything but smack smooth, +straight up and right down, in his opinion.</p> + +<p>When the Babel-like noise of the jovial +party was at its height, Lady Gunnersbury +began to be in her glory: in every dialogue +she must have a word—in every tête-à-tête +discussion an interference; and in something +like this fashion did she continue one incessant +gabble of confusion, such as could not +well have been worse confounded.</p> + +<p>“My dear Lord, take some of these cutlets.—I +think so, Mrs. Carnaby; always said she +was beautiful; dresses so well.—Done with sauce +<i lang="fr">à la Soubise</i>.—I’m glad you like Dover, Lord +Thomas; the pier is so charming—so fine +and clear in a morning-walk.—Looks so well +in that pretty pink bonnet, Mrs. Carnaby.—Thank +you, I’ll take the sweet: limit myself to +two glasses at dinner.—Capital invention,—four +thousand gallons in a minute!—Very +full, just now.—Maria, what will you have, +dear?—you eat nothing.—Wonderful accumulation +of shingle.—As you say, Sir Henry, +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_85">[Pg 85]</span>what a man Shakespeare was!—dear, dear!—quite +a wonder rising in that dark age.—Striped +red and white, was it, Mr. Paddle?—I +love balloons.—Sir Walter Raleigh wrote +it, my lord: I heard you ask Maria. I forget +how many plays he wrote—fifty-two, I think. +What a shocking thing to cut his head off, +my lord, after all that time—wasn’t it?—A +blue body with red wheels—I heard you tell +Sir James about the coach.—So superior to +any writer of his time.—With morocco squabs.—A +little bread-sauce, if you please.—From +Lord Mackdaudle’s place in Scotland; always +sends us plenty.—Tremendous sight the parachute, +as you say.—Come in boxes once a week. +I don’t think it quite so good as his last.—I +heard your opinion of Captain Marryat’s book; +one of our very best writers.—Meyer and Miller +make for Sir James: you were asking my son, +Mr. Carnaby, about shoemaking.—In three volumes, +with plates—And a little of the <i lang="fr">fondu</i>.—We +get it from the library.—Eliza, dear, Mr. +Paddle wishes to drink wine with you. Different +place this from Paris, Mr. Paddle.—With a shifting +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_86">[Pg 86]</span>rumble, Sir James, if you please.—Won’t +Baron Bumbeltronden take <i lang="fr">fondu</i>? You speak +German, Eliza, ask the baron; I don’t: I am no +great linguist. I am very much of the opinion +that one tongue is sufficient for one woman.”</p> + +<p>“Especially, my dear,” said Sir James, +“if, like Dr. Johnson’s memorable sheep’s tail, +it be long enough.”</p> + +<p>Under the heavy fire of my lady’s eloquence, +the dinner proceeded as dinners usually do. +Jack had not opened his lips, except to put +the viands and wines of his gallant host into +his mouth; and although Lord Tom supported +him by asking him to drink wine with him, +young Gunnersbury devoted himself entirely +to Carnaby, to whom, when he did speak, he +spoke in an under-tone, keeping, as it were, +aloof from all the guests excepting the Earl +and Countess, to whom he was obsequiously +polite, and Sir Henry Rockly, to whom he was +remarkably civil. Sir James, however, called +upon Jack to do him a similar favour to that +which he had done Lord Tom; but in inviting +him to the social intercourse, he unfortunately +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_87">[Pg 87]</span>called him Mr. Bag, instead of Brag, which +excited some attention, caused a slight whispering, +and excited a few titterings.</p> + +<p>There is always in women a goodness of +feeling towards those whom they imagine to +be ill at ease with themselves; a kind of pity +certainly not akin to love, but which shows +itself in an anxiety to “make things agreeable.” +This sort of sentiment both the young +ladies entertained towards Brag: they saw how +perfectly uncomfortable he was, and Eliza, +who was nearer to him than her sister, after +ineffectually telegraphing her brother to be +civil to the stranger, put herself sufficiently +forward to afford him a gracious look, which +encouraged him to suggest a glass of champagne. +Had he seen the expression of young +Gunnersbury’s countenance while this ceremony +was in progress, it would have turned +his Silleri into prussic acid: the frown he +bestowed upon his sister the first time their +eyes met after it was over, even more distinctly +marked his high mightiness’s entire disapproval +of the whole proceeding.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_88">[Pg 88]</span></p> + +<p>According to Brag’s calculation, they had +sat at least five hours after dinner before Lady +Gunnersbury, whose incessant volubility it +would be impossible to follow, at least with +any chance of catching it, until at length +that exemplary lady at once delighted and +astounded him by announcing the retreat of +the ladies.</p> + +<p>“Dear Lady Dullingham, I am ready,” said +the hostess. “<em>I</em> see, Sir James; hate the custom +nevertheless—separating after dinner.—I hear +you, Sir Henry: with a band of music and a cold +collation, I agree; but in England.—Oh, fie! +Mr. Paddle, that is really ungallant—unlike +you.—In a barge by moonlight; don’t do so +in Paris, Sir Henry.—What Eliza says is +quite right; but such a bad singer: however, +we must bow to custom, Lady Dullingham.—I +quite agree with you, Mrs. Carnaby, about +the bull-fights.—Isn’t it quite extraordinary?—Prejudice +and custom, as you say.—Lights up-stairs.—With +the matadores and picadores, and—The +omelette soufflée, Sir Henry, I know.—Delicate +creatures, indeed!—handfuls of nuts +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_89">[Pg 89]</span>to throw the men down.—Very extraordinary.—At +Tortoni’s, Hardy’s, or anywhere else, +all the same.—Entirely steam.—Very fine +sight, I dare say—two hundred horse power.—The +meat, I believe, is given to the poor.—The +“Nel più” is the only thing she does decently +well.—I differ with you still about the +omelette.—Dragged away by horses.—Dear +George, do ring the bell.”</p> + +<p>The last words were music to Jack’s ears; +and they were followed, in less than five minutes, +by the adjournment of the “females,” +Lady Gunnersbury stopping kindly to hope +that he had not felt any draught of air from +the door during dinner,—an act of civility +and courtesy which her son, by his look, deemed +entirely superfluous, but which induced Sir +James, the moment the ladies were gone, to +insist upon Brag’s closing up on his side, in +order to rescue him from the taciturnity of the +baron, and the studied coldness of his son.</p> + +<p>Lord Tom, in the plenitude of his good-nature, +seeing Brag so unusually nervous and +depressed, became anxious to put him at his +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_90">[Pg 90]</span>ease, and bring him out; besides which, he +felt in some sort offended by the supercilious +manner which Mr. Gunnersbury had thought +proper to adopt towards a guest of his father’s, +whom he knew to be a friend of his. His lordship +therefore gave Brag an “excellent character” +in a whisper to Sir James, and, above +all, lauded his judgment in horseflesh and his +skill in equitation, to which he was the more +readily inclined because his praises upon that +point were really well-merited, and because +the noble and taciturn Earl of Dullingham, +who sat on the opposite side of the table, had +been, in his day, a great sporting man, and +who, although now declined into the vale of +years, and retired from “the turf,” still, as +the old coachman loves the crack of the whip, +entered with more interest into conversations +touching such matters than any other.</p> + +<p>“It strikes me,” said Sir James, “that +our Government ought in some way to interfere +in order to prevent the exportation of our +best English horses, the effect of which must +eventually be, not only the improvement of +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_91">[Pg 91]</span>the breed in countries which, however peaceable +the world looks just now, must and will, +in the course of time, be at war with us, but +the deprival of the English cavalry of their +acknowledged superiority in cattle, at all events, +over our enemies.”</p> + +<p>“If I had <em>my</em> way,” said Brag, encouraged +by the deference with which Sir James addressed +this observation specially to him, “not +a nag should go abroad—no, not at any price. +I have been over and over again offered lumps +of money for some of my hunters to go to +France and Germany, and the deuce knows +where. No, says I, not a bit of it: I’m +English from top to toe—straight up, right +down, and no mistake. I’ll be no party to +mending the foreign breed, let what may happen.”</p> + +<p>The German baron coughed, and young +Gunnersbury silently expressed his astonishment +at the burst which his father’s injudicious +patronage of the stranger had occasioned.</p> + +<p>“You are a true sportsman, sir,” said Lord +Dullingham, gravely taking a pinch of snuff.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_92">[Pg 92]</span></p> + +<p>“And,” said Lord Tom, “as good a rider +as you’ll see from Totness to Newcastle.”</p> + +<p>“I do flatter myself,” said Jack, “I can +come it strong in that line”—(Here Sir Henry +Rockly exchanged a look with Carnaby)—“and +no mistake. Lord Tom knows what +I’m up to. In one week I’ve hunted five +times, rode two trotting matches, and three +steeple chases, picked up a hundred stones with +my mouth in fifty-five minutes, and killed two +hundred and nineteen brace of partridges.”</p> + +<p>“With a long bow,” said somebody, loud +enough to be heard by everybody except Jack +himself, who was now on his hobby.</p> + +<p>“I stick at nothing in that way,” said Brag—“do +I, my lord?”—looking at Lord Tom. +“Many a time I’ve gone after hounds for twenty +minutes, as blind as a bat, as wet as a rat, +and as sick as a cat, with the skin of my leg +rasped up by the top of a grower from my shin +to my knee, and only brought to my senses +then by bumping my head right against that +of my horse, for all the world like a flash of +lightning, that loosened all my teeth in their +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_93">[Pg 93]</span>sockets. That’s what I call going across a +country, and no mistake. I’d have backed +my “Tantrum” against anything of his age +and inches that ever switched rasper. Jem +Jiggins had the handling of him for some time, +and a queer one he was, at first; but they as +begins rum, turns out generally well in the +end. One day, however, sold him:—run three +foxes, one after another, right on end, seventy-two +miles and a half in all!—he was done:—got +my money for him though, after that. Had +him painted; the picture is now at a little place +I have in Surrey, with me on his back, topping +a flight of rails, just alongside of “Fly-away +Dick,” with portraits of two or three Melton +men in the distance—eh!—that’s good.”</p> + +<p>This sudden dash out of his super-incumbent +despair, and the way in which he helped +himself to the veteran bombardier’s port-wine, +in preference to claret, convinced Lord Tom +that he was determined to rally against the +tyrannical treatment which he had received +from the young squire.</p> + +<p>“Have you hunted much in Dorsetshire, +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_94">[Pg 94]</span>sir?” said the earl; “if you have not, I should +think the Vale of Blackmore would give you +some opportunities of showing your skill +amongst the drains: half the fences are double, +and the ditches wide and deep.”</p> + +<p>“No, my lord,” said Brag, “I’ve never +seen much of that country, but shouldn’t care +if I did. I’ve heard of it, and all the history +of Oliver’s blind mare; but folks <em>do</em> stretch +sometimes. There’s a story of a Lord Penfeather, +or some such chap, which he used to +tell of himself—of taking a double fence and +a double ditch, and afterwards clearing a Dorchester +doctor, horse and all, who had grounded +on the top of his nob just outside a drain +beyond <em>that</em>:—that’s what I call going it. +However, nobody’s alive that saw it, so we +have it all upon my lord’s word, and that’s +not much of a go, I take it.”</p> + +<p>A sudden death-like silence ensued, interrupted +only by a few hems from Sir James +Gunnersbury and Sir Henry Rockly, a look +of dismay from Lord Tom, and a simper of exultation +from the young squire. The pause +did not last long; everybody appeared astonished, +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_95">[Pg 95]</span>but nobody more than Jack. The +silence was at last broken.</p> + +<p>“I assure you, sir,” said Lord Dullingham, +in the most solemn manner, “the story is true—the +doctor’s name was Flapps. He indeed is +dead, but there are others who saw it done, +still living.”</p> + +<p>“Oh,” said Brag, still unenlightened, “I +don’t know—but I <em>do</em> know a great many of +Lord Penfeather’s friends who say ‘no go.’ If +your lordship saw it, why, in that case, it’s all +right, and no mistake; but from what they say +of the chap himself who said he did it, why—”</p> + +<p>“I did it myself, sir!” said the earl, more +energetically than he usually said anything, +drawing himself up into an erect position, +looking pitchforks and tenter-hooks at Brag, +and taking a pinch of snuff with all the dignity +of the old school.</p> + +<p>“That <em>is</em> Lord Penfeather,” said Lord Tom, +wishing to bring the affair to a speedy conclusion; +“at least he was so, when he took +the extraordinary leap in question.”</p> + +<p>“Oh!” said Brag, turning as white as a +sheet—“Ah!—yes, my lord—I—”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_96">[Pg 96]</span></p> + +<p>At this most critical minute, when acted upon +by various and very different feelings, every +gentleman present most anxiously expected a +<i lang="fr">denouement</i>, the butler, an old and valued +servant of Sir James, made his appearance +to announce coffee in the drawing-room, and +being privileged, by long service, to use a certain +degree of familiarity with his master, added, +in an audible whisper to that exemplary +officer—“There’s a large brig come ashore +at the back of the pier, Sir James: it’s blowing +terrible hard—and they are afraid she’ll +be totally lost.”</p> + +<p>“Brig ashore!” cried Brag, most unceremoniously +availing himself of a communication +not made to him, and at the same moment +jumping up—“I’m off, Sir James; excuse +me—I <em>may</em> be of use:—swim like an otter. +Swam all the way from Oxford to London +in nineteen hours without stopping. Have +saved nine lives already: got three medals +from the Humane Society: don’t value the +surf of a sixpence. I’ll bet fifty to four +I’m on board that brig in ten minutes +from leaving your house—back in less than +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_97">[Pg 97]</span>an hour. I know you’ll excuse me:—don’t +you think I’m right—eh? Humanity—philanthropy—and +all that—straight up, right +down, and no mistake. Be with you again +almost directly.”</p> + +<p>Saying which, and without waiting for an answer, +away Jack bustled, leaving his astonished +companions in amazement; Lord Tom, however, +not a little annoyed that he should, in +the end, have so far justified young Gunnersbury’s +<i lang="fr">hauteur</i> in the beginning.</p> + +<p>The earl bore the imputation of exaggerating +his leap with perfect good-humour, and explained +to the rest of the party his own astonishment +at the occurrence; but Lord Tom, +beaten by the event, declined going up-stairs, +upon the plea of endeavouring to prevent his +friend from rashly endangering his life; and +when the other guests repaired to the drawing-room, +he hastened to the beach, where, truly +indeed, the sea was breaking over the ill-fated +vessel, which kept striking so awfully and so +frequently, as to leave little hope of her extrication. +He could, however, learn no tidings +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_98">[Pg 98]</span>of Brag. It was quite true, however, that a +venturous gentleman had been seen swimming +with a rope through the surf, and had succeeded +in rescuing two ladies—but he was gone; +and so, after an hour’s fruitless search for his +intrepid friend, Lord Tom proceeded to “The +Ship,” where he found that Mr. Brag, after +having read the day’s London paper, and +drunk two glasses of hot brandy and water, had +gone to bed, and had been, at the time of his +lordship’s arrival, more than an hour snug in +his “nest.”</p> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> +<div class="chapter"> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_99">[Pg 99]</span></p> + + + <h2 class="nobreak" id="CHAPTER_III"> + CHAPTER III. + </h2> +</div> + + +<p>“Rather put your foot into it last night, +Jack,” said Lord Tom to the tiger when they +met at breakfast.</p> + +<p>“R-ā-ther,” said Jack. “How the deuce +should I know that that greyheaded gig was +the chap who took the flying-leap in the Vale +of Blackmore half a century ago?”</p> + +<p>“You got off deuced well,” said Lord Tom; +“for although Dullingham is too old to fight, +there might have been a bother if it had not +been for the brig.”</p> + +<p>“Never saw a finer sight!” said Jack, +“Told you I’d soon be aboard: the minute I +got down, saw two females waving white handkerchiefs—signals +of distress: off I went—caught +hold of the rope—clung like a cat—splash +through the surf—up the side—seized +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_100">[Pg 100]</span>hold of them, held on by my teeth, and slipped +along the hawser: put one girl under each +arm, for all the world like a fowl with the gizzard +under one wing and the liver under the +other, and landed them in less than a quarter +of an hour, safe and sound, smack, smooth, and +no mistake.”</p> + +<p>“Their gratitude, I suppose, was unbounded,” +said Lord Tom, whose doubts of his +friend’s strict adherence to truth began hourly +to increase.</p> + +<p>“Gratitude!” said Jack—“they are females;—when +did you ever hear of an ungrateful +female?”</p> + +<p>“Did you make yourself known to them?” +said Lord Tom.</p> + +<p>“Not I,” said Jack—“leave that for to-day. +I hate boasting and puffing: if I had said who +I was, the chances are, it would have been stuck +in the newspapers. I can’t stand notoriety: +don’t mind it in my own line—sporting, and all +that sort of thing; but else, all quiet and snug—mum’s +the word, and no mistake.”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_101">[Pg 101]</span></p> + +<p>“I admire your modesty,” said Lord Tom; +“and your coming home here and going quietly +to bed, without saying a syllable of the matter +to the master of the house, or any of the +waiters, shows your desire to be unknown and +unnoticed. Didn’t they see the condition in +which you were when you came back?”</p> + +<p>“Condition!” said Jack—“I was in no +condition.”</p> + +<p>“Not wet?” said Lord Tom.</p> + +<p>“On the contrary,” said Jack, “I was uncommon +dry. Sir Gunnersbury’s port was +what I call regular black-strap—Day and Martin—eh!—and +no mistake.”</p> + +<p>“Why didn’t you drink his claret?” said +Lord Tom.</p> + +<p>“Red pickled-cabbage juice bottled,” said +Jack:—“no—I had two glasses of hot ‘with’ +when I came home, and then turned in.”</p> + +<p>“But did you sit in your wet clothes?” said +Lord Tom.</p> + +<p>“Wet clothes!” said Jack. “Oh!—wet +clothes—eh!—oh! in getting aboard the brig:—pshaw! +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_102">[Pg 102]</span>my dear lord—nothing—a mere flea-bite—salt +water never gives cold—I blew myself +dry, running home.”</p> + +<p>“Pleasant, gentlemanly man, young Gunnersbury,” +said Lord Tom, swallowing the explanation +without any apparent effort.</p> + +<p>“I never sighted such a fellow in the whole +course of my run,” said Jack. “You saw how I +treated him—cut him dead—never so much as +looked at him after the first glance: no—life’s +too short to waste upon such a scarecrow as +that. Eliza’s not bad—has eyes, eh!—and +knows how to use them. Mother’s a droll +woman.”</p> + +<p>“Droll!—a polyglot,” said Lord Tom.</p> + +<p>“Oh! her name was Glot?” said Jack:—“rather +old to be called Polly now. That +Mrs. Carnaby looks lively, I take it. <em>She</em> has +eyes too, and <em>she</em> knows how to use them. +Carnaby seems a steady, respectable sort of +man; I suppose, it wouldn’t be straight up and +right down to disturb his domestic happiness,—else, +my lord——eh! I say nothing—only——I +know the sex, and no mistake.”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_103">[Pg 103]</span></p> + +<p>“I know nothing of either of them,” said +Lord Tom. “We must call on the Gunnersburys, +however, to-day.”</p> + +<p>“When we are sure they are out,” said +Jack, who had scarcely uttered the words before +he astonished Lord Tom by thrusting his +head out of the window, and exclaiming—“By +Job! it <em>is</em>, and no mistake!”</p> + +<p>“Who?—what?” cried his lordship, half +frightened at the energetic manner of his companion.</p> + +<p>“George Brown,” replied Jack: “if ever I +saw George Brown in my life, he has just this +minute gone out of this house with another +gentleman.”</p> + +<p>“And who is George Brown?” said Lord +Tom; “and where’s the wonder?”</p> + +<p>“Wonder enough, my lord,” said Jack, “if +you knew all: why, he is the major you have +heard me talk of so often.”</p> + +<p>“Oh!” said Lord Tom, “the brother of +your deserted damsel?—hadn’t you better +brush up your pistols, and make your will.”</p> + +<p>“No, no,” said Jack, “not exactly that; +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_104">[Pg 104]</span>but I’ll just ask the question. I know I can’t +be deceived in my man, although he looks older +and browner than he did when I saw him last.” +Saying which, he rang the bell.</p> + +<p>Of the waiter who obeyed the summons he +made his inquiries, and found, according to his +anticipation, that it <em>was</em> the identical George +Brown himself. In a moment Jack, who had +always hitherto slurred over his connexion with +this said George in his communings with Lord +Tom, being convinced by the waiter’s account +that he had by some means become rich and +prosperous, immediately altered his tone.</p> + +<p>“Mr. Brown and his lady are going off to-morrow +for Calais,” said the man. “They +would have gone to-day, but they were too late +to get their carriages on board.”</p> + +<p>“Is Mrs. Brown here?” said Jack.</p> + +<p>“Yes, sir,” said the man; and being asked +no more questions, retired.</p> + +<p>“That’s a lucky chance,” said Jack. “I’ll +go to her this moment—find out all, how, and +about it: can’t make it out just yet.”</p> + +<p>“What! do you know the lady?” said Lord +Tom.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_105">[Pg 105]</span></p> + +<p>“Know her!” said Jack; “shouldn’t wonder: +why, she’s my sister, that’s all.”</p> + +<p>“Your sister!” said his lordship; “I +never understood you that the major was your +brother-in-law. You always said that he was +a distant connexion.”</p> + +<p>“So he was,” said Jack, “when he was in +India; he is nearer now. So up I go, smack +smooth, and no mistake. Come along, my +lord, I’ll introduce you to Kitty; it will be a +regular surprise upon her; and when George +comes back he’ll stare like a stuck pig. I like +a surprise.”</p> + +<p>“I’m your man,” said Lord Tom. “I +shall enjoy the sight of your meeting.”</p> + +<p>“Here, waiter,” said Jack; “which room +is Mrs. Brown in?”</p> + +<p>“That room, sir,” said the waiter. “Do +you wish to—”</p> + +<p>“No, no,” said Brag, in a half whisper; +“don’t say anything—I’m her brother. Want to +astonish her; she don’t know I’m here: haven’t +seen her for years. Hush!—now, my lord—” +At this period of his conversation, the dexterous +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_106">[Pg 106]</span>gentleman gently opened the door, and +stepping softly up to the lady, exclaimed in a +voice sweet as the music of the spheres—“Kitty!—I +say, Kitty, my Kit!”</p> + +<p>The noise roused the lady, who was sitting +with her back to the door, reading: she turned +round, started from her seat, and presented to +the eyes of the astonished Jack, and his much-mystified +companion, a beautiful countenance, +in which an expression of alarm and surprise +was predominant, but which, as the reader +has, no doubt, anticipated, was not that of the +<i lang="fr">ci-devant</i> Kitty Brag.</p> + +<p>The group were at what Sheridan, in “The +Critic,” calls a “dead lock.”</p> + +<p>“Why, it isn’t Kitty!” said Jack.</p> + +<p>“I believe there is some mistake,” said Mrs. +Brown, at the same moment extending her +hand towards the bell-rope.</p> + +<p>“Your name is Brown, ma’am, isn’t it?” +said Jack.</p> + +<p>“It is,” said the lady.</p> + +<p>“Wife of George Brown, from India?” said +Jack.</p> + +<p>“Yes, sir.”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_107">[Pg 107]</span></p> + +<p>“Can’t make it out,” said Jack.</p> + +<p>“If you have any commands for Mr. Brown, +sir,” said the lady, “he will be here in a few +minutes.”</p> + +<p>“You had better return <em>then</em>,” said Lord +Tom, who saw that his expert friend had somehow +got into a new scrape, and that the lady +was extremely desirous of getting rid of his +society.</p> + +<p>“It’s all right, by Job!” said Jack; “there’s +some kink or caddle somewhere, but in the +main it’s all straight up, right down, and no +mistake,—for here’s Nancy, as nice as Nip.”</p> + +<p>These words were uttered, accompanied with +a caper such as would not have disgraced +a dancing-master, and followed by a scream +of horror from Anne, who at that moment +entered the room, and who, as Jack advanced +to take her hand, fell senseless into a chair.</p> + +<p>The changes which had taken place in Jack’s +views and intentions during a shorter period +than the relation of this event requires, were +most particularly characteristic. That Brown +was Brown, browner than he was, Jack was +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_108">[Pg 108]</span>convinced; that his wife was not Kitty at +once pointed out to him that his sister must +be dead, and that George had remarried: hence, +like lightning, it darted into his mind that +it must have been through <em>her</em> that he had +acquired the means of living as it too manifestly +appeared he did; inasmuch as, besides the +waiter’s previous representation of the difficulty +of “embarking the carriages,” the sudden appearance +of a valet, two lady’s maids, and a +strapping livery servant, jacketed, topped, and +leathered for travelling, who rushed into the +apartment at the tintinnabulary summons of +Mrs. Brown, confirmed him in the opinion +that his now readily acknowledged brother-in-law +had become wealthy, and consequently important, +and was therefore much to be cherished +and toadied.</p> + +<p>These momentarily excited feelings were, as +it were, electrically driven into another channel +the instant he beheld Anne Brown. There she +was,—she who had confessed her affection for +him,—the sister of the rich and prosperous +George, now, in his own opinion, a suitable +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_109">[Pg 109]</span>match for him: and in less than a second more +he had resolved that the meek, the mild, the +modest unoffending creature whom he had neglected, +slighted, and traduced for years, should +still be his; and that they would somehow, in +the end, make a snug family circle, all right, +and no mistake.</p> + +<p>“What on earth does all this mean?” said +a gentleman entering the room in the midst of +the confusion:—“what has happened?”</p> + +<p>By this time Anne had been led, or rather +carried, from the sitting-room by Mrs. Brown +and her maid. For a moment the last-arrived +gentleman was absent, and the two intruders +were left alone in the apartment.</p> + +<p>“Missed your tip, somehow, Jack,” said +Lord Tom.</p> + +<p>“All right in the end,” said Jack. “Don’t +you remember our little friend in Regent +Street?—that’s Nancy.”</p> + +<p>“Oh!” said my lord, looking uncommonly +wise.</p> + +<p>“Exactly so,” said Jack, looking particularly +cunning.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_110">[Pg 110]</span></p> + +<p>“Gentlemen,” said the stranger, re-entering +the room, “I am yet to learn the cause of your +abrupt visit to these apartments.”</p> + +<p>“It’s all right,” said Jack—“all fair and +above board. George Brown married my sister—that’s +the mistake. This lady is not my +sister—that’s clear as light. I never heard of +poor Kitty’s death!—but she’s gone, no doubt, +and George will tell us all about it. But +George has a sister too: Nancy;—and if I +flurried her at first seeing me after so long a +parting, I’m deuced sorry for that. However, +it’s all natural: and so I’ll call in by-and-by, +when George comes back. Sunshine after rain, +and no mistake. This, sir, is my friend, Lord +Thomas Towzle—so that’s all right.”</p> + +<p>“I believe,” said the gentleman, “if you +are the brother of the former Mrs. Brown, I +have heard your name mentioned as a very +particular friend of Mr. Brown’s sister.”</p> + +<p>“R-ā-ther so,” said Jack, “but circumstances +occurred to keep us apart. Never had +but one feeling towards her—I believe it is +what you call reciprocal; and I am deuced +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_111">[Pg 111]</span>sorry I took her so aback: however, by-and-by, +as I say——”</p> + +<p>“Sir,” said the gentleman, “what course +Mr. Brown may choose to pursue towards you +I am at a loss to conjecture; but with respect +to his sister, it becomes <em>my</em> duty to act for +myself—I am her husband, sir: although I assumed +that character only three days since, it +is my province to protect her from insult and +alarm. Permit me to say, sir, that your absence +is what we all most particularly desire: +indeed, that we should have been favoured by +your presence did not enter into our calculations, +although we were accidentally made +aware of your residence in this house shortly +after our arrival.”</p> + +<p>“Married to <em>my</em> Nancy!” said Jack; “oh, +that <em>is</em> a go!”</p> + +<p>“Yes, sir,” said Dr. Mead, for it was he +who spoke; “and not married to her, until, in +the candour and ingenuousness of her heart and +mind, she had informed me of all the circumstances +of your early acquaintance;—nay, +more, sir, of the preference for you which +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_112">[Pg 112]</span>she at that time acknowledged. If you will +take the trouble to cast a retrospective glance +over your conduct during a period when you +might have properly evinced the sincerity of +your professions—and the total neglect of a +being whom you fancied your victim, you will +perhaps perceive through the gloom a glimmering +of light sufficient to show you the indelicacy +and impropriety of your remaining one +minute longer in this room.”</p> + +<p>“What! did she tell you <em>all</em>?” said Jack, +quite at sea, and scarcely knowing what he +said.</p> + +<p>“All, sir,” said the doctor; “but perhaps +not <em>quite</em> all that you have permitted your +licentious tongue to utter.”</p> + +<p>“I—sir—I?” said Jack.</p> + +<p>“Come,” said Lord Tom, “you had better +come away.”</p> + +<p>“But my sister—” said Jack.</p> + +<p>“Delicacy, sir,” said Dr. Mead, “seals my +lips with regard to that unfortunate person. +She is in her grave, to which she was borne, +unfollowed by an injured, outraged husband. +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_113">[Pg 113]</span>It is fit you should know this; and it is fortunate +that the duty of telling you the bitter +truth devolves rather upon <em>me</em> than on my +brother-in-law himself.”</p> + +<p>“By Job!” said Jack, scratching his head.</p> + +<p>“Indeed, I would venture to suggest your +retiring,” said the doctor, “before his return +from his walk. His affection for his mother +and sister is ardent and strong; and if he +found you here, something perhaps might +occur which, for all our sakes, had better be +avoided.”</p> + +<p>“Oh,” said Jack, “in course I’ll not stop a +minute—no:—as you say, there’s no use in +that kind of thing. It is all very surprising, +and particularly unpleasant: but you, sir, are a +gentleman, and act as such; not that I have +the pleasure of knowing your name, but——”</p> + +<p>“My name is Mead,” said the doctor; “and +I feel the greatest satisfaction in announcing it +to you, in order that you may be good enough +for the future to avoid any communication +with the humble individual who bears it. I +wish you a very good morning, sir!”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_114">[Pg 114]</span></p> + +<p>“Good morning, sir!” said Jack. “I certainly +should have liked to shake hands with +Anne.”</p> + +<p>“I assure you, sir, she is not well enough +to risk any further interview,” said the doctor.</p> + +<p>“Well then, in course there’s an end,” +said Jack. “Come, my lord—we’ll go. Good +morning, sir!”</p> + +<p>Saying which, infallible Jack crawled out of +the room, followed by Lord Tom, who made a +slight bow to the doctor.</p> + +<p>“Hadn’t we better go down the back-stairs,” +said Jack; “it’s no use running the risk of +meeting that fellow, Brown: one can’t fight a +serjeant.”</p> + +<p>“Fight whom?” said Lord Tom.</p> + +<p>“Why,” said Jack, “he never was anything +but a serjeant.”</p> + +<p>“What!—learned in the law?” said his +lordship.</p> + +<p>“Club law, if any,” said Jack. “No—a +serjeant in a marching regiment.”</p> + +<p>“Why, I thought you told me he was a +major in the army!” said Lord Tom.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_115">[Pg 115]</span></p> + +<p>“So he was—serjeant-major,” said Jack, +who, the moment he found himself despised +and kicked out of his brother-in-law’s society, +suddenly changed his ground, and tried to run +down the man and his connexions whom, ten +minutes before, he was ready to eulogize to the +skies.</p> + +<p>“I should like very much to belong to his +corps,” said Lord Tom: “it must be deuced +good pay for a serjeant to enable him to do +what <em>he</em> does in the way of living. But—Jack—what +do you mean to do next? Do +you mean to take any notice of what that Mr. +Mead, or whatever his name is, said?—it was +not over-courteous, you know.”</p> + +<p>“No,” said Jack, “but then I make allowances. +I certainly did tantalize his poor little +wife. I <em>am</em> a sad dog in that way. ’Pon my +life! it is more my misfortune than my fault.”</p> + +<p>“Yes,” said Lord Tom; “but then—somehow——however, +it all depends upon feeling—only +he decidedly turned you out of the +room.”</p> + +<p>“Well, you know, my lord,” said Jack, +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_116">[Pg 116]</span>“he had a right to do that, because they pay +for separate apartments, and in course I had +no business there. If it had been really my +sister, instead of another wife, you would have +seen how I should have acted: but, you see, +she’s gone;—and—eh!”</p> + +<p>“Yes,” said Lord Tom, “the gentleman +was good enough to mention that fact.”</p> + +<p>“I didn’t like to ask further particulars,” +said Jack; “but it seems deuced strange that +one shouldn’t have heard of her death.”</p> + +<p>“Perhaps your mother has heard of it,” +said Lord Tom; “only I suspect you are not +a very constant correspondent of that worthy +lady’s.”</p> + +<p>“Maybe she has,” said Jack, evidently +thinking as much as he could.</p> + +<p>“Do you mean to stay here?” said Lord +Tom. “I intended to have crossed to-morrow; +but I suppose it wouldn’t be agreeable +for you to go afloat with your newly-recovered +connexions.”</p> + +<p>“Not exactly,” said Jack. “Oh, in course, +I shall stay here till you go: but I couldn’t +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_117">[Pg 117]</span>well have gone to-morrow anyhow, because I +have engaged myself to pass one day, before +we went over, with a friend at Walmer.”</p> + +<p>“What! at the Castle?” said Lord Tom, +making a face, invisible to Jack, whose real +character began to develope itself rapidly.</p> + +<p>“No, no,” said Jack archly, “nothing of +that sort: all snug—fellow-passenger in the +‘Union’—promises not to be broken:—mum!—that’s +all right, and no mistake. I +shall go over directly, and stay till to-morrow +after—”</p> + +<p>“—After ‘The Ferret’ starts for Calais,” +said Lord Tom. “You are right—peaceably +disposed, and averse from collision. I’ll wait +for you; only keep yourself all right for the +Champ de Mars.”</p> + +<p>“Deuced odd name for a race-course, isn’t +it?” said Jack.</p> + +<p>“‘What’s in a name?’” said Lord Tom.</p> + +<p>“Not much,” said Jack. “One would never +fancy that pleasant gentleman up-stairs to be +called Mead, from the sour way in which he +talks.”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_118">[Pg 118]</span></p> + +<p>“Oh, hang him!” said Lord Tom, who, +foreseeing that if there was anything like a +fight, he must inevitably be Jack’s friend upon +the occasion, lent himself entirely to his views +of the subject, and acceded completely to his +notion of terminating the affair peaceably. “I +should have nothing to do with any of them; it +is all what I call a tangle, and would take a +deuced sight of trouble to unravel it: so start +for Walmer, and I’ll wait your return.”</p> + +<p>It is impossible to describe the delight which +Brag felt at this acquiescence on the part of +his lordship in all his propositions; nor was +it long before he put his scheme in execution: +and two o’clock found him strolling about upon +the beach at Deal, having secured a bed-room +at one of the worst inns in the place, the +whole history of his promise and assignation +with his “Fanny of Timmol” being, as the +reader will naturally believe, a bright fiction +of his own particular school.</p> + +<p>It is scarcely necessary now to mention, that +in the case of Dr. and Mrs. Mead “the course +of true love <em>did</em> run smooth,” since the doctor +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_119">[Pg 119]</span>himself announced his marriage with Anne to +Jack Brag; nor is it more necessary to eulogize +the candour and single-mindedness on her part, +to which he also referred, and which determined +her to relate to her intended husband every +circumstance connected with her intimacy with +her early lover. They were united at St. +George’s, Hanover Square;—not because it is +<em>the</em> church for matrimony <i lang="fr">par excellence</i>, but +because it happened to be the church of the +parish in which Mead’s house was located. +They had started from town three days before, +and were joined at Sittingbourne by the Browns, +who, reducing the prescribed “treacle period,” +proposed, as we have already seen, accompanying +them to Paris.</p> + +<p>The evil star of Jack, however, was just now +in the ascendant. It is true that his skilful and +timely retreat to Walmer saved him from any +inconvenience likely to arise from a meeting +with Mr. George Brown; but it occasioned another +calamity, which to him, even with all his +prudence, was worse than the chance of being +wounded in a rencounter with his injured +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_120">[Pg 120]</span>brother-in-law:—but of this no more at present.</p> + +<p>When Jack had finished his solitary dinner, +and sipped his glass of grog—for in +the house he had selected for his abode wine +was wholly out of the question, he fell into a +lengthened reflection upon his family affairs: +he felt anxious to ascertain the real history of +his sister’s defection and fall, and to discover +how the long-despised George had attained to +wealth and importance such as he evidently +possessed. The fortunate marriage of the neglected +Anne equally puzzled him, and he resolved +to while away the dull evening by writing +his mother a letter, in which, giving a +modified account of his discovery of the Browns, +he might, as delicately as he could, ascertain +the extent of his mother’s knowledge touching +Kitty. Of course, he could get no answer +until he was in Paris, his desire of going to +which place was by no means increased by the +fact that the Meads and Browns were going +thither also. It was, however, impossible to +disappoint Lord Tom, who so entirely reckoned +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_121">[Pg 121]</span>upon his riding, and he therefore consoled +himself with the reflection that Paris was +a large city, and that they should not stay +there long; and that it was by no means impossible +that he might not fall in with any of +his connexions during his stay.</p> + +<p>Then there came into his head a sort of +question whether he ought to assume mourning +for his departed relative; but, after a discussion +with himself, he decided, that as she must +have been dead for a considerable time, it +would be ridiculous to begin to weep then; +besides which, his appearance in a “suit of +sables” would naturally lead to questions which +it would be neither agreeable nor convenient +for him to answer. He accordingly resolved +upon saying nothing upon the subject, but upon +writing, to hear the extent of the evil, from his +respectable parent.</p> + +<p>While all this was going on, a storm was +brewing at Dover calculated to swamp the +pretender upon his return and which was a +splendid illustration of the saying, that “misfortunes +never come alone.” The reader will +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_122">[Pg 122]</span>recollect the infelicitous <i lang="fr">tête-à-tête</i> which Jack +enjoyed at the sign of “The Duke of Marlborough” +with the Earl of Ilfracombe: the +sociable mutton-chop; the social glass of punch; +with the pleasing episodes of Mr. Figg’s horses, +and the red-elbowed Rachel.</p> + +<p>The reader will also recollect that the said +Earl of Ilfracombe, the denounced “Kill-joy,” +was uncle to Lord Tom Towzle, his sister being +Duchess of Ditchwater. It was quite clear that +the event, and the statements of Jack of his great +intimacy with Lord Tom, must form the special +subject of conversation between the uncle and +nephew whenever they met. It so happened that +they had not met since this curious <i lang="fr">rencontre</i> at +“The Duke of Marlborough.” Lord Ilfracombe, +his wife and family, had gone to Brussels three +or four days after that event; and, as if Old Nick +had really set his cloven foot in it, actually arrived +from the Continent on the morning following +Jack’s departure to Walmer, and before his +return thence; a calamity—for such it proved +to him—which would not have occurred, if he +had not induced Lord Tom to postpone his +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_123">[Pg 123]</span>passage until the next day, to suit his convenience +and security as regarded other matters.</p> + +<p>One of the principal morning recreations of +Dover is the inspection of the passengers who +land in the bay behind the pier, after the rolling +and pitching which are so peculiarly the attributes +of a voyage across the Channel from +Calais: women pale and wan, (with their long +ringlets all uncurled and limp, hanging adown +their cheeks, enveloped in plaid cloaks,) brown +cloaks, green cloaks, and sometimes soaked in +fine silks and ermines, which their love of +appearance has induced them to retain.—Men, +with caps, and straps, and jerkins, and +pea jackets, and Welsh wigs in every variety +of deformity, scarce able to endure the tiresome +assiduities of the “commissioners” from +the different inns; some laden with leather hat-boxes, +others with bags of sundry descriptions, +and all looking sad, wan, and miserable. All +these objects excite an interest, and often afford +amusement; and, of course, when people can +be amused and interested at so cheap a rate, +the <i>spectacle</i> is always well attended.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_124">[Pg 124]</span></p> + +<p>To the scene of action strolled Lord Tom, +after having witnessed the early departure of +“The Ferret,” with all Jack’s tormentors; +and as each boat-load left the newly arrived +steamer, his eye vainly roamed in search of +somebody he knew. At length, however, his +surprise and gratification were simultaneously +excited by the appearance of Lord and Lady +Ilfracombe, Lord and Lady Dawlish, and +Lady Fanny Smartly, his lordship’s cousin. +The recognition and meeting were exceedingly +agreeable, for Lord Tom, who was always on +his best behaviour in the society of his maternal +uncle, was a considerable favourite with +his aunt and cousin. One of the most striking +proofs of his desire to stand well with this +branch of his family was the fact, that he had +never thought proper to present or introduce +his tiger Brag to any member of it; and although +Jack, to whose ear their names and +probably attributes, had grown familiar by +hearing a great deal of them from Lord Tom, +his practical and personal knowledge of them +was—<i lang="la">nil</i>.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_125">[Pg 125]</span></p> + +<p>Lady Fanny was the first to recognise her +cousin; and in a moment afterwards, pale, +sick, and sad as Lady Ilfracombe and Lady +Dawlish were, they “rallied all life’s energies” +to wave their hands in token of kind acknowledgment, +looking more like a party under the +care of Charon than of the jolly mortal boatmen, +who cared no more for the wabbling of the +waters than a fine lady does for an undisturbed +rumble over a macadamized road.</p> + +<p>They had intended to proceed direct to town, +but the fatigue of the ladies, joined to the opportunity +of passing a pleasant day with Lord +Tom, induced them to change their design. The +greetings and welcomings of the party were really +true and genuine, for never was there a happier +family, nor one whose whole delight centred more +completely in the domestic pleasures of home. +Lord Tom escorted Lady Ilfracombe and Lady +Fanny; Lord Ilfracombe and his son were the +supporters of Lady Dawlish; and so they ground +their way, instep-deep, over the shingles—a walk +said by experienced persons to be infinitely more +tremendous than the tread-mill for an equal +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_126">[Pg 126]</span>space of time,—until they reached the wonted +“Ship,” and whither Lord Tom insisted upon +their going, in opposition to Lord Ilfracombe, +who, being the “sickest” of the party, was all +for its rival, because it was nearer the landing-place, +and because the landlord was most civil +and obliging,—all of which character he deserves. +But Lord Tom was to have his way, +and so the party were as speedily as possible +deposited at “The Ship,” which, with all its +splendour and all its gaiety, does not half so +much cheer our hearts as it did when it was an +humbler-looking house, full of comforts afforded +in a different style—an attempt at splendour +which never can reach the scale to which it +pretends, is always a mistake. Take “The +Fountains” at Canterbury as an example of +perfect snugness without pretension. Recollect +that a late noble earl, and prime minister, in +his journeys to Walmer, always stopped to dine +and sleep at “The Rose” at Sittingbourne, +because it was excellent in its way, and perfectly +different from the ordinary routine of his +life; and recollect that in all its appointments +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_127">[Pg 127]</span>and accessories, innkeepers who deal in tinsel +and tawdry, in the hope of making their houses +something like what their noble customers are +used to, fail entirely: neat and clean are the +qualities of an inn—grand and great, must +be ridiculous.</p> + +<p>Into “The Ship” scarcely had the Ilfracombe +party been ushered, before breakfast +was prepared for the voyagers, who, after the +refreshments of the dressing-room, recovered +themselves entirely, and proceeded to make up +for any loss of appetite which they might have +sustained on the water. Never did aristocratic +party more revel in the <i lang="fr">dejeuner à la fourchette</i> +put down before them than these; and Lord +Tom, who had already done breakfast the first, +particularly well delighted at the opportunity +afforded for the reunion, managed breakfast the +second with infinite glee.</p> + +<p>They were a family of love—Lord Tom avowedly +the <i lang="fr">roué</i>,—but still never betraying any +of those symptoms which were likely either to +excite the anxiety or displeasure of those members +now present. They laughed, and talked; +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_128">[Pg 128]</span>Lord Ilfracombe related many anecdotes of +the <em>liberality</em> of the King of the Belgians—and +some extraordinary traits of the <em>liberalism</em> of +the King of the French;—discussed, in <em>his</em> way, +the anomalous position of a monarch raised to +a throne not his own by the clamour of a people, +whose liberties he was subsequently obliged +to restrain with greater rigour than had ever +been attempted even in the time of their idol +and tyrant Buonaparte; and the curious fact +of his denunciation even unto the death, of the +contrivers of barricades, by which barricades +alone he had himself obtained the crown.</p> + +<p>From these, and similar general subjects, +his lordship glanced to the more domestic +topics of Dover; and Lord Tom explained precisely +his position there—his connexion with +a gentleman whom they would see at dinner, +Mr. Brag, and who was to be his lordship’s +companion to Paris for the purpose of riding +his race.</p> + +<p>“Why, then, you really <em>do</em> know Mr. Brag!” +said Lord Ilfracombe.</p> + +<p>“I do,” said Lord Tom;—“but do <em>you</em>?”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_129">[Pg 129]</span></p> + +<p>The train was fired;—the fatal evil had +occurred. Then it was that Lord Ilfracombe +first had the opportunity of relating all that the +reader already knows, about their meeting, &c.;—then +it was that Lord Tom first became “wide +awake” to the character of the tiger he had so +long patronized:—and then it was he was resolved +to give him a reception upon his return,</p> + +<blockquote> +<p class="no-indent">“More honoured in the breach than the observance,”<br></p> +</blockquote> + +<p class="no-indent">and kick him soundly for the insolent falsehoods +he had dared to utter even to the face +of their object. One thing alone interfered to +prevent this obvious manifestation of his contempt—and +that was, the debt, which he could +not but acknowledge, but which, alas! he could +not pay.</p> + +<p>Lord Ilfracombe, instead of being the “Kill-joy” +described by Brag, was a remarkably +agreeable person, and, more than most people, +ready to enter into a joke. Before Brag’s +arrival, he entreated Lord Tom, instead of +taking the matter up seriously, to punish +the pretender by allowing him to join the +party as usual, to permit him gradually to +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_130">[Pg 130]</span>become acquainted with the ladies, whom he +might not remember, and conclude the evening +by making a matter of jest of that which +could produce no satisfactory result if treated +in any grave manner.</p> + +<p>“At the same time, Tom,” said the earl, +“I honestly confess, for your own sake,—let +him down as you may—the easier the better,—I +<em>do</em> think you ought to get rid of him,—if +after the Paris races, well and good: but you +have no idea how ready the world is to attribute +motives. This little man is of use to <em>you</em>, +because he <em>is</em> little, and rides light; but—<i lang="fr">le +jeu ne vaut pas la chandelle</i>. Pay a jockey, +and let him ride—but do not make him an +associate; do not give him the power of gossiping +about your relations, as this little man +did to me. You cannot pay <em>him</em>, and therefore +he must, if he ride, take it out ‘in kind,’ +as the clergy have it.”</p> + +<p>Lord Tom agreed with every word said by +his noble uncle, even to the assertion that he +could not pay Jack. This was the crisis fatal +to Brag.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_131">[Pg 131]</span></p> + +<p>“My dear uncle,” said Lord Tom, “will +you forgive what I am going to tell you?”</p> + +<p>“Anything, Tom,” said his lordship. “I am +not hard-hearted.”</p> + +<p>“I admit to you,” said Lord Tom, “that +recent events have opened my eyes to the character +of this man. Last night he exposed +himself in a house to which I had the credit of +taking him. I have got a letter from town +this morning, which gives me the whole account +of his incalculable insolence in making +offers to two ladies, sisters, who, both in joke, +accepted him.”</p> + +<p>“Mrs. Dallington and Miss Englefield,” said +Lord Ilfracombe, “I presume.”</p> + +<p>“My dear uncle, how in the name of wonder, +do you know anything about it?” said Lord +Tom.</p> + +<p>“Your exemplary friend himself,” replied +the earl, “told me the whole story of their +devotion to him, with their names and places +of residence, at the very moment in which he +was spanning the by no means taper waist of +the barmaid of the alehouse.”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_132">[Pg 132]</span></p> + +<p>“You don’t mean <em>that</em>!” said Lord Tom.</p> + +<p>“How else could I possibly have known +it?” said the earl. “Rely upon it, he is +to be discarded.”</p> + +<p>“Well then,” said Lord Tom, “I must +come to the fact:—I owe the fellow four +hundred pounds. The law of primogeniture, +my dear uncle, makes us, Lord Toms, Lord +Johns, and Lord Bobs, anything but rich; and +we <em>are</em> consequently run sometimes to do things +of which, upon sober reflection, we are seriously +ashamed:—now there’s the truth—he volunteered +upon all occasions, and I, like a fool, accepted +his proffered accommodation.”</p> + +<p>“The city men say,” said Lord Ilfracombe, +“‘accept anything, except a bill:’ however, +Tom, I have been young myself. I will get +you out of the difficulty. Mr. Brag may ride +your horses; but although you may be saddled +by others, he shall not ride <em>you</em>. You +shall have the money; you shall Fectorize him +this very day. But I’ll have no quarrelling—I +will have it all my own way. I dined with him at +the small inn—he shall dine with us at a large +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_133">[Pg 133]</span>one; and if I have not my revenge out of him, I +shall be astonished. If he had denounced me as +a seducer, a murderer, or even a Whig, I could +have borne it all; but when he called me to my +face a “Kill-joy,” and a “wet blanket,” it was +too bad. Let him come; let us have him to +dine, and I will instruct the other members of +our little family community to play their parts. +But not one word of those whom he is to meet, +till we have him in our meshes.”</p> + +<p>“My dear uncle, you are too good to me,” +said Lord Tom.</p> + +<p>“Not a bit of it,” said the earl. “There +are a set of underbred fellows in the world, +who swagger and strut about, because by some +accident, sometimes as little honourable or decent +to themselves as may be, they have got +hold of money, which they as little deserve as +they had any right to expect—who fancy, because, +from their very insignificance, they have +shuffled, screwed, or pushed themselves into +society to which they ought not to belong, they +are to mount upon their money-bags into yet +higher places; and who, exactly in proportion to +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_134">[Pg 134]</span>their natural meanness and original insignificance, +perk up their noses and toss their heads, +to give them a consequence, which makes them +insufferably odious to the people with whom +they really <em>do</em> live, and incalculably ridiculous +to those with whom they never can +live, let them try as much as they may. +This man Brag is one of that class, and +it will be a very slight punishment for his +immeasurable insolence to get rid of him after +our own fashion. So, come along; we’ll to +Fector’s: you shall have the money, and we +will eject your familiar in the civilest and most +amiable imaginable manner: <em>that</em> part of the +affair you will leave to <em>me</em>; the discharge of +the debt remains with <em>you</em>.”</p> + +<p>The letter which Lord Tom had received +from Rushton himself, describing the outrageous +conduct of Jack, and its merited results, +went so far to convince him that Brag was +neither more nor less than a disgrace, that +his first impulse, on his return to Dover, would +no doubt have been to put him on his defence, +as far as that affair went; but clogged as he +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_135">[Pg 135]</span>had hitherto been with the debt, it would have +ended in a laugh-off or a qualification; and however +much convinced he might have been of the +unworthiness, not to call it insanity, of his conduct, +they would have continued their route to +Paris, and their subsequent connexion. Now, +armed with the means of vindicating his character +by the abandonment of such an associate, +Lord Tom felt himself doubly braced by the +breeze, as he and his uncle left the door of the +bank, his lordship having the amount of his debt +to Jack safely lodged in the sinister pocket of +his lordship’s trowsers.</p> + +<p>The events of the day remain to be told.</p> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> +<div class="chapter"> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_136">[Pg 136]</span></p> + + + <h2 class="nobreak" id="CHAPTER_IV"> + CHAPTER IV. + </h2> +</div> + + +<p>Little did Brag suspect that a pit so deep +as that, which Lord Ilfracombe proposed, was +digging for him during his forced absence from +his noble friend Lord Tom; still less indeed, +did he anticipate the arrival of that noble Earl, +which, full as he naturally must be of the history +of the dreadful luncheon, if he had imagined +it possible, would have satisfied him that +the last explosion was at hand. The truth is, +that being ignorant of any such facts, and innocent +of any such anticipation, Jack’s thoughts +were fully occupied in reflections upon the still +unexplained fate of his sister Kitty, the worldly +advancement of George Brown, and the evidently +advantageous marriage of Anne.</p> + +<p>In the confusion of his ideas as to the causes +of this advancement, and these advantages, and +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_137">[Pg 137]</span>a sort of a compunctious visiting in the shape of +a recollection of the manner in which he had +treated and talked of the woman whom he once +fancied he loved, who certainly had loved him, +and whom he now as certainly had lost, Jack +passed no pleasant time. The weather was +stormy, and although it might have</p> + +<blockquote> +<p class=no-indent> + ——suited the present temper of his mind, +</p> +</blockquote> + +<p class=no-indent>it was by no means so agreeable in its congeniality +as “the rocking of the battlements” was +to the sable hero of Dr. Young.</p> + +<p>Time, however, as we all know, will go—although +as Shakspeare says, he hath many different +paces,—still he keeps going, and after +Jack had finished his two glasses of grog, and +folded and sealed his letter to his mother, (which +he proposed slipping into the post himself the +next morning in order that nobody in the inn +might see the direction), he rang the bell in +order that he might—</p> + +<blockquote> +<p class=no-indent> + To keep his spirits up<br> + By pouring spirits down— +</p> +</blockquote> + +<p class=no-indent>desire the waiter to bring him some more hot +brandy and water.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_138">[Pg 138]</span></p> + +<p>No waiter came to answer the summons; the +lout who had previously attended him having +gone to the stable; but, instead of that attendant +there appeared before him a sylph-like +creature, who seemed to have descended from +some other sphere to do his bidding—the +very Hebe of waiting-maids—a girl as fair, +and as modest in her deportment as if she +had just stepped from the threshold of a nunnery. +“Acasto’s dear remains” could not have +been more interesting—her face lovely, her +flaxen locks inartificially falling about her ears—her +innocent blue eyes cast down upon the +floor, and her cheeks suffused with blushes such +as tint the opening rose of future whiteness.</p> + +<p>Jack was at once confounded, delighted, +frightened and amazed: his first impression +was, that it was a mistake—that the plainly yet +gracefully dressed creature he saw before him +was, like himself, a visiter at the inn, and that +she had either in mistake, or because she had +seen him in the course of the day, entered his +room. Don Quixote himself was not more +prone to the exaltation of his “loves” than +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_139">[Pg 139]</span>Jack: he gazed, he doubted—rubbed up his +hair—pulled up his collar, and was going to +try to say something, when Fanny Martin, +(such was her name,) saved him the trouble by +asking him if <em>he</em> rang?</p> + +<p>“I ring!” said Jack, “yes,—yes. I rang—that +is—eh!—I beg your pardon—do you?—eh!”—</p> + +<p>“What did you please to want, sir?” said +Fanny.</p> + +<p>“I rang for the waiter,” said Jack.</p> + +<p>“Tom only stops in the house till eight, sir,” +said Fanny; “I can get you what you want.”</p> + +<p>“Umph,” said Jack, “that’s—eh!—well—I’m +sorry to give you the trouble,—a glass +of hot brandy and water—if you please.”</p> + +<p>Fanny curtesied, retired, and shut the door.</p> + +<p>Jack’s head was gone—turned, twisted,—what +could it mean?—never was such a pretty +creature,—what was she—bar-maid, house-maid, +chamber-maid—what? It was a bright +vision,—it was something to love;—for, upon +Moore’s principle, (and Jack had done more in +the way of advances, however ill the combats +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_140">[Pg 140]</span>eventually turned out, by the aid of a smattering +familiarity with the mischievous beauties of that +bewitching poet than anything else)</p> + +<div class="poetry-container"> + <div class="poetry"> + <div class="stanza"> + <div class="verse indent0">“’Twere a shame when flowers around us rise</div> + <div class="verse indent2">To make light of the rest, if the rose be not there;</div> + <div class="verse indent0">And the world’s so rich in resplendent eyes</div> + <div class="verse indent2">’Twere a pity to limit one’s love to a pair.</div> + </div> + <div class="stanza"> + <div class="verse indent0">“Love’s wing and the Peacock’s are nearly alike,</div> + <div class="verse indent2">They are both of them bright, but they’re changeable too;</div> + <div class="verse indent0">And wherever a new beam of beauty can strike,</div> + <div class="verse indent2">It will tincture love’s plume with a different hue.</div> + </div> + <div class="stanza"> + <div class="verse indent0">“Then, oh! what pleasure, wherever we rove,</div> + <div class="verse indent2">To be doom’d to find something that still is dear;</div> + <div class="verse indent0">And to know, when far from the lips we love,</div> + <div class="verse indent2">We have but to make love to the lips that are near.”</div> + </div> + </div> +</div> + +<p>This is a faith almost as convenient and elastic +as that of Popery, although vulgarised down +by Jack to the practical siege of a chambermaid +at Deal, some degrees superior, however, +to the red-elbowed Rachel of the Duke’s Head, +who, as we have already seen, did most unequivocally +reject his “delicate attentions.”</p> + +<p>And there was besides a history, of which +Fanny Martin was the heroine,—a history that +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_141">[Pg 141]</span>everybody in Deal knew, and which made everybody +who knew her modest demeanour and +excellent character very solicitous for her welfare. +But she shall speak for herself—poor +girl! she is but humble. Let us hope—we say +no more—that the gaiety and sprightliness of +our hero may have no ill effect upon her peace +of mind, or the excellence of her character.</p> + +<p>Jack, when she left the room, was, as we have +seen, what he called “toppled over.”—“Why, +bless my soul!” he mentally ejaculated,—that +is, said to himself,—“Nancy Brown never +was like <em>that</em>—Blanche—psha!”—(be it +remembered that the ale and grog in which +he had solitarily indulged, mixed with his grief +and anxieties, had dreadfully fermented.) “Miss +Englefield—what’s a Miss!—what indeed—she’s +amiss—Mrs. Dallington—two fools—eh!—made +me a laughing-stock. What’s the sincerity +of that—young Gunnersbury—beast!—hate +him—deuce take that old lord with the snuff-box +yesterday—The brig—psha! Lovely creature +this—must have a talk with <em>her</em>—eyes—hair—eh! +I hope Brown is gone—ah—foolish—how +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_142">[Pg 142]</span>could he have got that money? Poor +Anne—eh—did like her once—Walworth—mud—fog—squash—nonsense, +couldn’t—Old +mother mad—deuce take Waterloo Bridge—hate +Lord Tom—wish he’d pay me my money—don’t +like going to Paris—meet Nancy. +Hope the farmer has given up his action about +the trespass at the steeple chase—eh,—never +left direction for the attorney. Hang that old +Ilfracombe—Tom’s uncle—made a fool of myself +there—beast Figgs and the horses. Want +money to carry on the war. What happened +to Kitty—all wrong, I suppose. What a noise +the wind makes!—bore being at sea. She’s +a long time coming—think she was hit—saw +her look—innocent—eh! Well—ah—that’s +all right and no mistake. Three Mackerels—comb +and night-cap;—deuce of a bore—dirty +monster—eh!—wonder who the people were +standing all about—Tom never said a word. Mrs. +Carnaby—eh!—don’t know—pretty woman—poor +Carnaby! Well—I wonder if they go to +Paris! Old fool, Lady Gunnersbury! Wonder +if Lydiard will be married soon. Wretched wet +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_143">[Pg 143]</span>night—good-natured slavey to offer the cab. +Oh!—they may all go to Nycko. Where is +this fair—eh!—creature. Oh—”</p> + +<p>This half-whispered, half-thought soliloquy +was scarcely ended, when Fanny re-appeared +with the glass of hot brandy and water: +this she deposited upon the table, and was +about to retire.</p> + +<p>“I say,” said Jack, “stop a minute,—just +shut the door.”</p> + +<p>“I can’t stop, sir,” said Fanny.</p> + +<p>“I only want just to say three words to +you,” said Jack.</p> + +<p>“Well, sir,” said Fanny, “I can hear them +as well with the door open, as shut.”</p> + +<p>“Yes, so can anybody else,” said Jack.</p> + +<p>“I’m sure, sir,” said the girl, looking all +modesty, “you would not want to say anything +to <em>me</em> that everybody in the house mightn’t +hear.”</p> + +<p>“No,” said Jack, “only the draft of air +from the door, you know, is likely to give one +cold. I really want just to ask you—a question +or two.”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_144">[Pg 144]</span></p> + +<p>“Oh, sir,” said Fanny, “I’ll shut to the +door, if you wish it, only I can’t stop a minute.”</p> + +<p>“Tell me,” said Jack, essaying to take her +hand, which she gently withdrew, “what the +deuce does it mean?”</p> + +<p>“What, sir?” said Fanny.</p> + +<p>“Why, don’t you twig?” said Jack. “What +the deuce brings such a sweet, lovely creature +as you, into such a place as this?”</p> + +<p>“My good fortune, sir,” said Fanny.</p> + +<p>“Your good fortune,” said Jack, “I should +think that you might better your fortune if +you chose.”</p> + +<p>“No, sir,” said Fanny; “my father was a +native of this place, and so was my mother: he +was lost at sea, and my mother is dead. I was +an orphan, one of four, and my mistress has +been a mother to me ever since: I am quite +happy where I am, and very grateful for her +kindness.”</p> + +<p>“You are a regular angel,” said Jack. “I +meant to have gone away to-morrow; but now +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_145">[Pg 145]</span>I have seen you I’m not sure I shall ever go +away—at least without you.”</p> + +<p>“The longer you stay the better, sir,” said +Fanny with a smile, which had scarcely left +her pretty countenance, before she quitted the +room and shut the door.</p> + +<p>That smile convinced him that his never-failing +qualities of person and conversation had +triumphed, and that the fair orphan was all +at once, heart and soul devoted to him; and +it was at this moment he began to repent his +positive engagement to Lord Tom for the next +day, to which, as his ruminations have already +informed us, he began to grow somewhat disinclined +upon other considerations.</p> + +<p>A nervous anxiety to see and have the opportunity +of again speaking to the really beautiful +girl, induced Jack to ring his bell very +soon after he had finished his brandy and +water, and desire to be shown to his bed-room;—it +was then about half past ten o’clock. The +sylph came—gave him his candle—attended him +to his chamber, and there underwent a certain +degree of vulgar persecution in the way of +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_146">[Pg 146]</span>very marked attentions, from which she contrived +to escape, not—as a faithful historian, +I am bound to say—without the undesired +gain of one single kiss from Jack, which was so +hastily given and so seriously repulsed, that it +remains doubtful whether it fell upon the cheek +which the attempt had brightened into a beautiful +blush, or upon a depending curl which +hung clustering inartificially over it. Probably +Crispissa</p> + +<blockquote> +<p class=no-indent>——tended her favourite lock,</p> +</blockquote> + +<p class=no-indent>and the presence of Ariel was scarcely needed, +since Fanny felt no “shock.”</p> + +<p>Jack, however, did not see the door close or +hear the retreating footsteps of the delicate +hand-maiden, without, as usual, satisfying +himself that he had settled <em>that</em> point, and +that if it were not for the provoking necessity +of going to Dover in the morning, he should, +in a very short time, be the favoured of all the +admirers which so sweet a “creechur” must +necessarily possess.</p> + +<p>Full of these new thoughts, which, as his +small mind had not room for many, naturally +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_147">[Pg 147]</span>expelled all the other previous occupants, Jack +“turned in,” as the sailors say, and tossed and +tumbled about, not much soothed or composed +by the various noises incidental to a minor inn +at Deal during a blowing night. The impending +morrow now was viewed by him with double +dismay, since he had discovered a new attractive +power where he was; and as for the +meekness or modesty of anybody in <em>that</em> station, +<em>that</em> was all a regular mistake.</p> + +<p>Jack had been deposited horizontally for +about an hour, with something like an expectation +of an accidental “look in” of Fanny to +see after his candle, or upon some other little +errand to which she might have been excited +by his never-failing attractions, when, just as +he was dropping off into a slumber, the result +of exhaustion of thought, Jack, to his infinite +delight, but not surprise, heard a gentle delicate +noise at his chamber door, not very much +unlike</p> + +<blockquote> +<p class=no-indent>“The woodpecker tapping the hollow beech tree.”</p> +</blockquote> + +<p class=no-indent>The sound roused him in a moment: he sat up +in bed—saw the glimmering of a light through +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_148">[Pg 148]</span>the key-hole, and in one of those half impeded +whispers, in which gentlemen under such +circumstances sometimes express themselves, +said “Who’s there?”</p> + +<p>“Me, sir,” was the response uttered in the +sweet voice of the gentle Fanny.</p> + +<p>“Come in,” said Jack, still more effectually +subduing his voice, “come in.”</p> + +<p>The pretty rustic obeyed the call, and stood +before him with a light in her hand, more +lovely to <em>his</em> eyes than ever.</p> + +<p>“You are a dear soul,” said Jack, ten thousand +ideas rushing at once into his imagination, +which as I have just said was not calculated +to hold more than one at a time,—“you +are come, are you—what is it?—eh!—”</p> + +<p>“Why, sir,” said Fanny blushing, and looking +modestly down at the candle she carried, +“I’m sure I beg pardon, sir,—but—could you +spare half your bed to-night?”</p> + +<p>“Spare!” said Jack, sitting bolt upright, +conscious that he had not overrated the power +of his fascination,—“do you doubt it?—spare!—to +be sure—to be sure—all right and no +mistake.”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_149">[Pg 149]</span></p> + +<p>“That’s all right indeed, sir,” said Fanny, +“because, sir, here is Mr. Van Slush Harridick, +a North-Sea trader, just arrived, wet to the +skin, who hasn’t been in bed for three weeks, +sir, and we should have had no other place +whatever to put him in to-night, if you had +not been so good as to say ‘yes.’”</p> + +<p>“Mr. Van what?” said Jack, in an agony.</p> + +<p>“Van Slush Harridick,” was replied in the +hoarse gruff voice of a man six feet four in +height, and four feet six in circumference, dressed +in a well-saturated pea jacket and dreadnought +trowsers, who followed the girl into the room +the moment the permission was granted;—“And +I dank you var moch, zir, vor de commodation: +I zleeps zound, and znores not.”</p> + +<p>“What does all this mean?” said Jack,—“I +don’t understand.”</p> + +<p>“Bot I too,” said Van Slush Harridick;—“Vanny +ask for half de ped,—you zay yez—wot +vor now you zay no. I aff not zlept dry vor +dese dree veeks von vay and doder, and I zshall +drop to my znoozle like a dop.”</p> + +<p>“Like a what, sir?” said Jack.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_150">[Pg 150]</span></p> + +<p>“A dop,” said the giant.—“Zo, Vanny, get +up my bipe, and my pag, and my pacco, and my +prandy and vaterz, for bleaze de bigs I mill haf +a buff and a zwig pefore I durns in.”</p> + +<p>“Do <em>you</em> mean to say, sir,” said Jack, “that +you propose to share my bed?”</p> + +<p>“Doo be zure I too,” said Harridick, +“Vanny asked you; if no?—if yez?—you +zaid yez—zo here gose.”</p> + +<p>Saying which Harridick began to disencumber +himself of some part of his drapery, Fanny +having previously obeyed his orders about his +pipe, and his bag, and his brandy and water. +Brag sat up and reconnoitred the giant, who +was shaking his jacket and preparing to make +“snug for the night.” Having scanned the +size and power of his companion, his next +step was out of his comfortable nest.</p> + +<p>“Dat’s right,” said Harridick; “go if you +like, and leaf it all do me,—I’m not do be +drifled mid.”</p> + +<p>Finding remonstrance hopeless and resistance +impossible, Jack huddled on his clothes +in the corner, and when Fanny returned with +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_151">[Pg 151]</span>the North-Sea trader’s little comforts, he was +prepared to announce to her his determination +of giving up the whole of the accommodation to +the newly arrived guest, and passing the night +upon the short horse-hair sofa which stood +in his sitting-room—an announcement which, +in order to convince both the maid and the +trader that he was not terrified into a removal, +he made to the former in the civilest possible +manner.</p> + +<p>“I’m zorry do durn you out, my vrend,” +said Harridick; “you are bot a liddle vellow, +and dere voud haf been blenty of room for poth +of os.”</p> + +<p>“You are extremely welcome,” said Jack; +“in course if you have not been in bed for +three weeks, it must be of much greater consequence +to <em>you</em> than <em>me</em>;—so—Fanny dear, give +me a light, and I’ll make myself as snug as I +can down stairs.”</p> + +<p>“Coot night, coot night, my liddle vrend,” +said Harridick; “I’ll too as moch vor you +menever you are apoard mein prig in de Nord +Zea.”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_152">[Pg 152]</span></p> + +<p>“I wish with all my heart and soul you were +there now,” said Jack to himself. “Good night, +sir,—come, light me down, Fanny.”</p> + +<p>Accordingly Fanny did as she was bid, and +Jack found himself again deposited in his sitting-room. +Here he enquired whether he could +have a cloak or two, a blanket, or a covering of +some kind, to protect him from the chilliness of +the night; and his request was answered by the +landlady in person, who in bringing up several +articles of warm clothing, expressed her +regret that he should have been so inconvenienced.</p> + +<p>“Why,” said Jack, “I must say, to <em>me</em>, +used as in course I am to every sort of +luxury and comfort, it <em>is</em> rather hard; but +the gentleman—is tired—and so—”</p> + +<p>“Yes, sir,” said the landlady, “but he +should not have interfered with you, only you +gave him leave, as my maid tells me, to share +your accommodation: indeed, it was Fanny +who first thought of asking you; for says she +to me, ‘Mam,’ says she, ‘the London gentleman +is so very little, there’ll be plenty of room +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_153">[Pg 153]</span>for Mr. Harridick;’ and all our other beds, +you see, sir, is quite full.”</p> + +<p>“I am much obliged to Fanny for the notion,” +said Jack; “I certainly did not think—I—however—”</p> + +<p>“Oh, sir,” said the landlady, “if it hadn’t +been with your own consent, nobody should +have put you out of your room. I’m sure +I hope you won’t catch cold, or feel any other +illconvenience by sleeping here—and I’m +humbly obliged to you for your consideration—will +you take anything, sir, before +you settle yourself?”</p> + +<p>“Don’t care if I do,” said Jack, “a glass +of brandy and water, same as the last,—hot, +strong, and sweet, eh!—I’m deuced shivery.”</p> + +<p>“I’ll send it you directly, sir,” said the +landlady, quite delighted at having so far +soothed her guest—“Good night, sir.”</p> + +<p>“Good night,” said Jack. Casting his eyes +round the room, which looked as cheerless as +might be; and having reflected for three or +four minutes upon the consequences likely to +result from his own estimate of his lady-killing +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_154">[Pg 154]</span>qualities, a gentle tap at the door announced +that</p> + +<blockquote> +<p class=no-indent>——“the drink was ready.”</p> +</blockquote> + +<p>“Come in,” said Jack—and again appeared +before him the gentle Fanny with a smoking +tumbler of the desired beverage, which she +deposited on the table.</p> + +<p>“So, Miss Fanny,” said Jack, “it was you +who foisted that sea-monster upon me, was it?”</p> + +<p>“Sea-monster! sir,” said Fanny.</p> + +<p>“Yes, Mr. Harridick, as you call him,” said +Jack.</p> + +<p>“He is no monster, sir,” said Fanny, “but +a very kind-hearted gentleman, and one of my +mistress’s best customers.”</p> + +<p>“I didn’t think you would play me such a +trick as that,” said Jack, looking tenderly and +plaintively at the girl:—“the only thing you can +do by way of compensation is, to come and sit +with me for an hour or two, and tell me all your +own history—eh!—and then I’ll make it up +with you, smack smooth, and no mistake.”</p> + +<p>“Sit up! sir,” said Fanny—“Lord bless +you! sir—why, it’s just twelve o’clock: we +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_155">[Pg 155]</span>are all in bed here by twelve. I sleep with +my mistress, and she’s waiting for me now.”</p> + +<p>“I say, Fanny,” said Brag, somewhat emphatically—</p> + +<p>“Come, Fanny—Fanny,” said a voice outside +the half-open door, and which Jack recognised +as that of the landlady.</p> + +<p>“Coming, ma’am,” replied the girl—“coming +this minute. Good night, sir!”</p> + +<p>“Good night!” said Jack, in a subdued +tone.</p> + +<p>The girl retired, the door closed, and the +last sound Jack heard was a duet of suppressed +laughter performed in the passage by the maid +and the mistress, in which the voice of the +former considerably predominated.</p> + +<p>There are sounds to which men sometimes +love to shut their ears; Jack, however, could not +muster up a sufficient stock of dysecœa to answer +his purpose. What could they be laughing +at?—at the sea-monster perhaps, thought +Jack; there was nothing else ridiculous, that +he could discover; and so in no very good humour +the little man rolled himself up for the +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_156">[Pg 156]</span>night in a boat-cloak which evidently had not +long been home from a voyage.</p> + +<p>In the morning everything was naturally as +uncomfortable as anything well could be, and +Jack, looking about wistfully for his <i lang="fr">valise</i>, +began sorely to repent that he had not taken +up his abode at “The Three Kings,” or some +of the more substantial inns of the place, where +he would certainly not have been subjected +to such an intrusion and expulsion as those +which he had so incautiously brought upon +himself. Having got up, just as he lay down, +he rang the bell, and enquired whether he +should be able to use his last night’s room +for dressing; to which Fanny, the cruel fair, +replied in the affirmative—that Mr. Harridick +was up, and coming down almost directly, and +she would just “put the things a little to +rights,” and let Jack know when it was ready.</p> + +<p>There was nothing in all this, to soothe or +console our hero, who could not divest himself +of that nervous, aching, sinking feeling, which +seems almost miraculously to announce the +falling of some heavy blow. He could not +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_157">[Pg 157]</span>account for the sensation, except indeed that +with the day had come upon him the reflection, +that, besides making himself extremely uncomfortable +during the night, he had made himself +rather ridiculous into the bargain. However, +a few hours would extricate him from his worries; +he would be cracking his jokes under +the patronage of Lord Tom; and as for the +North-Sea trader, as he had, under an erroneous +impression, given him permission to +accommodate himself, it was much better to +concede the point upon an assumed principle +of good-nature and consideration, than get into +any personal altercation with a man whose +place in society could not easily be defined.</p> + +<p>While he was congratulating himself upon +the success of his diplomacy, a knock at the +door, louder than that in which the gentle +Fanny announced her presence, startled him; +and the permission “Come in” being uttered, +the door opened, and Mr. Slush Van Harridick +presented himself to Jack’s astonished eyes.</p> + +<p>“Cood mornin do you,” said Harridick; +“I ope you zlept mell.”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_158">[Pg 158]</span></p> + +<p>“Good morning, sir,” said Jack:—“slept +like a top, as you say—warm, snug, and comfortable; +couldn’t be better; all smack smooth, +and no mistake.”</p> + +<p>“I only looked in,” said the trader, “joost +do dell you dat de zea-monster has done tressing, +and your room is at your zervice—eh—dat +is all. And now, liddle man, de zea-monster +is going to git his prakfast.”</p> + +<p>Saying which, Harridick shut the door, and +calmly walked away, singing a line of a popular +Dutch song, which sounded most discordant +to Jack’s ears, who was now perfectly satisfied +that every word which he had, as he thought +privately and confidentially whispered to Fanny, +had been by <em>her</em> communicated to his ursine +rival; and that in escaping the vengeance +of Scylla Brown at Dover, he had run into +still greater peril by having offended Charybdis +Harridick at Deal, and so got himself, according +to his own phraseology, “out of the frying-pan +into the fire.”</p> + +<p>Shaftesbury says:—“The passion of fear +(as a modern philosopher informs me) determines +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_159">[Pg 159]</span>the spirits of the muscles of the knees, +which are instantly ready to perform their motion +by taking up the legs with incomparable +celerity, in order to remove the body out of +harm’s way.” Now although it would be unfair +and unjust to attribute to any apprehension +of consequences, on the part of Mr. Brag, +the resolution at which he suddenly arrived, of +not stopping any longer where he was, and the +immoveable determination he made to depart +forthwith; certain it is that he did so resolve +and determine, upon the ground that he had +been ill-used, imposed upon, turned out of his +bed, and generally outraged by the mistress of +the house and her handmaiden.</p> + +<p>Accordingly Brag, when he had finished his +toilette, or, as he generally pronounced it, “twilight,” +rang the bell and ordered his bill, giving +at the same time a negative to the question +if he would have breakfast served. The tone +in which this negative was given, and the dignified +air which accompanied it, satisfied poor +Fanny that her day of influence was over; +and when the account was produced and paid, +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_160">[Pg 160]</span>with the smallest possible gratuity for herself, +Brag, boiling with rage and indignation, qualified +in a certain degree by his anxiety to +escape any farther parley with Harridick, quitted +the house, bearing in his hand the valise +in which his cap, comb, and the rest of his +portable comforts for one day’s use had been +stowed.</p> + +<p>Thus loaded, he emerged from the lane in +which, for the benefit of the sea-view (his room +facing the street) he had immured himself, and +walked on to “The Three Kings,” where enquiring +the hour at which the first coach to +Dover would start, he ordered breakfast, having +first asked whether the waiter had seen +Mr. Brag’s servant anywhere about.</p> + +<p>Of course the man said no—inasmuch as servant +there was none.</p> + +<p>“Then,” said Brag, “I have no doubt he +drove on last night: never mind, the coach +will do.”</p> + +<p>Jack, whatever might have been the real +source of his anxiety to quit his late residence, +felt comparatively happy in his new <i lang="fr">locale</i>. +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_161">[Pg 161]</span>The house was a good one; there was an air of +cleanliness and cheerfulness about it; the weather +was fine, the sun shone brightly, and his +happiness was complete, when, as the waiter +was putting down the breakfast, he replied to +the question, “What steamer is that smoking +in the distance?”—“The Dover boat, sir, for +Calais.”</p> + +<p>“To-day’s paper, sir,” said the waiter, presenting +a copy of “The Dover Telegraph.”</p> + +<p>“Thank you!” said Jack, with a princely +affability of manner, and forthwith he began his +morning meal, alternately cutting, spreading, +sweetening, pouring out, and reading, with a +mind perfectly at ease. A new cloud, however, +rose on the horizon, which threatened the neutralization +of the delight which he had just +received from the distant smoke of “The +Ferret,” in the shape of the following account +of the grounding of the brig at the back of +the pier, which stared him in the face in large +letters under the head of “Local News.”</p> + +<p>“The night before last, the brig Rose, from +Falmouth to this port, missed the entrance of +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_162">[Pg 162]</span>the harbour, owing to the strength of the gale, +and got on shore at the back of the pier. +Great apprehensions were entertained for her +safety: three of the crew swam on shore, but +were severely injured on the shingles by the +sea, which ran so high that no assistance could +be offered her. About half-past nine a communication +was made with the brig by means +of a hawser. Lieutenant Brunt, of the royal +navy, who happened to be on the spot, seized +the first moment to dash through the surf, and +at the imminent hazard of his life succeeded in +bringing ashore two female passengers, a lady +and her daughter, who, by the occasional gleams +of moonlight were discernible lashed to one of +the masts of the vessel, making signs of distress +and supplication. This is the second instance +in which Lieutenant Brunt has signalised +himself in a similar manner. Three men have +been unfortunately lost, but as the weather has +moderated, it is thought the brig may be ultimately +got off.”</p> + +<p>“There’s a go,” said Jack to himself,—“I +wish we had been off to France yesterday—now +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_163">[Pg 163]</span>that’s clear contradiction to my story—I +saw him do it—didn’t look like a lieutenant—pooh!—deuce +take it—that’s bad again—no +sooner out of one scrape than into another.” In +fact, Jack, like all pretenders, was perpetually +dancing the tight rope in constant fear of a +tumble. In the present case his fate was certain, +for there were but two female passengers +on board the brig, and but one man on shore to +save both.</p> + +<p>Perhaps Lord Tom might not see the paper, +or, if he did, might not read the account of the +brig; at all events, it was no use discounting +misadventures: when they came due, if they were +presented, or presented themselves, it was time +enough to meet them:—and so Jack read the +sporting news, and the London news, and +finished his breakfast. Having discovered that +the coach would be up in a few minutes, his +old failing overcame him.</p> + +<p>“Waiter,” said Jack.</p> + +<p>“Yes, sir.”</p> + +<p>“Does the coach, in going through Walmer, +go near the Castle?” said Jack.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_164">[Pg 164]</span></p> + +<p>“Passes the end of the road leading down to +it, sir,” said the man.</p> + +<p>“Oh!” said Jack, affecting to consider, “I +must go to Dover first, but I think my man +may have taken the phaeton direct to Walmer.”</p> + +<p>“Oh, sir,” said the waiter, at once impressed, +as Jack meant he should be, with the idea +that he was going on a visit to the Castle, “I +dare say the coachman would stop while somebody +ran down and enquired.”</p> + +<p>“No, no,” said Jack, “it does not signify, +if he is not there, he has probably gone +through to Dover himself,—it will be all right +in the end, and no mistake.”</p> + +<p>In a few moments the coach drove up; the +instant it stopped, the waiter, anxious to be +most active in the service of the guest, whose +destination he flattered himself he had discovered, +ran into the room to inform him that +one of the duke’s servants, who had come from +the Castle early in the morning, was going +back, and would, perhaps, be able to give some +information on the subject.</p> + +<p>This was a staggerer.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_165">[Pg 165]</span></p> + +<p>“No, no,” said Jack, “<em>he</em> could not know, +because I did not expect my man so soon—no,—no—never +mind.”</p> + +<p>Jack’s distress when he beheld, during the +packing of some parcels into the boot of the +coach, the said waiter in close conversation +with the aforesaid servant, may well be imagined; +and the fact that the aforesaid servant +occupied an outside place, rendered it absolutely +necessary, in order to avoid any farther explanation, +that Jack himself should proceed, +inside. He accordingly enquired if there were +room, and was answered in the affirmative. In +he jumped, valise and all, having the whole interior +of the coach, entirely to himself. In a +few minutes he was again in motion, the coachman +having received directions to take up one, +at “The Standard.”</p> + +<p>Jack did not feel himself at all at his ease +about his last effort at dignity:—his name he +had given—the total absence of servant or +equipage might lead to further enquiries and +discoveries, and he get more deeply involved +in intricacies and embarrassments. However,</p> + +<blockquote> +<p> + “Hope springs eternal in the human breast,” +</p> +</blockquote> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_166">[Pg 166]</span></p> + + +<p>and Jack still fancied something more agreeable +might turn up in his little journey. The +passenger to be taken up at the Standard +might be one of the female sex, who by her +kindness and sociability might make amends +for the treachery of Fanny and the incivility +of her mistress. There was even yet a chance +of an adventure—of some event which, if it +came off, triumphantly, might weigh in the +opposite scale against his defeats and discomfitures.</p> + +<p>As the coach rattled along, towards Walmer, +Jack took all his customary precautions of running +his fingers through his curls, pulling up +his shirt collars, and setting himself generally +in order, so that, when the vehicle stopped at +the corner where the roads divide, he was all +prepared for conquest. Open went the door, +down went the steps, and Jack, longing as lie +was to behold his coming victim, considered +it more becoming his dignity to affect a perfect +indifference, and therefore kept his eyes +filled with an expression of military interest +towards the gates of the Barrack-yard, until he +felt the inclination of the carriage to the weight +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_167">[Pg 167]</span>of the entering passenger, when, turning carelessly +“as it were” round to meet, as he hoped, +the responsive glance of some Walmer beauty, +he beheld squeezing himself into the narrow-door +of the coach, enveloped in an immensely +thick great coat, his dread and abomination, +Mr. Sluys Van Harridick.</p> + +<p>Jack then thought that his measure of calamities +was full even to overflowing.</p> + +<blockquote> +<p class=no-indent> + “Approach thou like the rugged Russian bear,<br> + The arm’d rhinoceros, or the Hyrcan tiger,<br> + Take any shape but that”—— +</p> +</blockquote> + +<p class=no-indent>said Macbeth, and thought John Brag, Esq.—What! +had he waylaid him to revenge himself +for the insults offered him? or was he doomed +to his society to Dover by mere accident?—what +was it?—</p> + +<p>“Ah!” cried Harridick, the moment he had +succeeded in establishing himself in possession +of nearly three-fourths of the coach; “Vot! +here agin,—vy I dought you vas gone—I +no zee you to prakfast—here is your zea monster +come do dravel mid you to Tover.”</p> + +<p>“I’m delighted,” said Jack, looking parsnips.</p> + +<p>“I spect do vind my prig at Tover,” said +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_168">[Pg 168]</span>Harridick, who seemed by his manner either +not to comprehend the compliment of being +called a sea monster, in the full acceptation of +the words, or to treat the intended affront of +his companion with sovereign contempt,—“I +lantet at Teal pecause I like Teal,—I haf known +de lantlaty vor dventy years, ant her hosbond +beforr her—zo I alvays gets ashore dere—to +get my znooze, and leaf my mate do get de +prig into de harbor.”</p> + +<p>“Oh!” said Jack, “then you stay at Dover +while the brig is there.”</p> + +<p>“Do be zure I too,” said Harridick, “and +alldow I am zea monster, I zshall be doo +happy do zee you on poard and plow you +out mid znaps.”</p> + +<p>“You are very kind, sir,” said Jack, still +doubting whether he was in earnest in his +civility, or indeed, whether being “blown +out with snaps” meant anything hospitable +and civil, or exactly the reverse.</p> + +<p>“As ve are alone,” said Harridick, “I +zuppoze you mill haf no hopjecksion do my +avving a whiff. I haf no bipe, hot I aff +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_169">[Pg 169]</span>ghiroots mid amadow do light him mid—mill +you aff von, mid me?”</p> + +<p>“No,” said Jack; “none, I thank you:—but, +pray do you smoke if you like.”</p> + +<p>“I mean do too zo,” said Sluys, opening a +box of particularly fine cigars, striking a light, +and methodically beginning his exercise, to the +utter confusion of Jack, who knew that by the +time he should arrive at “The Ship,” he should +be awfully redolent of the fumes of tobacco, +before noon.</p> + +<p>At this moment the coach stopped to set +down the Duke’s servant, who, having been +informed by the waiter that the little gentleman +with the visionary servant and imaginary +phaeton seemed to be going to the Castle, came +to the window, touched his hat, and asked +whether he should say anything to his man if +the carriage had arrived there.</p> + +<p>“No,” said Jack, “thank you—no—I +shall be back by dinner-time—if I can get +back in time—I—”</p> + +<p>“His Grace isn’t here, sir,” said the servant; +“only if—”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_170">[Pg 170]</span></p> + +<p>“No, no,” said Jack, “I know—no, no—it’s +of no consequence; I dare say my man is gone on +to Dover—thank you—much obliged to you.”</p> + +<p>The servant again touched his hat, and retired. +“All’s right” was the word, and away +went the happy couple of “insides.”</p> + +<p>It was, it must be confessed, a great comfort, +or, as Jack would have called it, “an +’appy release,” that Harridick, who had not +during the night sufficiently</p> + +<blockquote> +<p class=no-indent> + “Unfatigued himself with gentle slumbers,” +</p> +</blockquote> + +<p class=no-indent>still felt drowsy; so that, ere the tip of his +first cigar had faded into ashy paleness, he had +himself subsided into a nap, which greatly +relieved his companion from his apprehensions +with regard to consequences; and left him +luckily in ignorance of the name of his “prig,” +to which otherwise he might have felt himself +bound to pay a visit. The nap continued until +they reached the turning near Dover Castle, +when Brag stopped the coach, and indicated +his desire to walk down into the town by the +short cut, ordering the coachman to send his +valise into “The Ship” as soon as he arrived. +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_171">[Pg 171]</span>By this manœuvre Jack contrived to escape +from the caravan without waking the bear, +and without farther cementing an acquaintance +with one from whom, the moment his dread and +apprehension of him were overcome, he entertained +the most unqualified aversion.</p> + +<p>Away bounded Jack, along the side of the +hill, until, carefully avoiding “The Three +Mackerels,” he cut through the intervening +streets, and <i lang="la">viâ</i> Snargate reached his inn, where +his first enquiries were naturally directed as +to the position of Lord Tom: Lord Tom was +on the pier. Of course, or, as Jack had it, +“in course,” thither Jack repaired; and, sure +enough, there he found his lordship, amidst +a crowd of persons of all sorts and conditions, +who were anxiously watching the process of +warping off the unfortunate brig, of which we +have already heard so much.</p> + +<p>Jack was rather sorry that the brig—or, as +Sluys Von Harridick would have called it, +“the prig”—was the leading object of the +day, inasmuch as it might lead to a discussion +with the young lord as to the paragraph, +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_172">[Pg 172]</span>which had caught his eye, at Deal. +However, Jack proceeded to join his lordship, +who was leaning over the parapet between +two ladies utterly unknown to our +hero.</p> + +<p>“Ah, Jack!” said Lord Tom, in a tone not +quite like that which Jack had been used to—“so, +you are come back. ‘The Ferret’ is gone—eh!”</p> + +<p>“I know, my lord,” said Jack.</p> + +<p>“You are just in time,” said his lordship:—“this +must be a most interesting sight for +<em>you</em>. Why, it could have been no easy work +to get aboard that unfortunate craft by a hawser +in the gale of the night before last.”</p> + +<p>“No,” said Jack, “I never said it was. +The rope was as slippery as an eel; and I’m +sure, now I look at it, I wonder how the deuce +it was done, only when a man makes up his +mind, he don’t stick at trifles.” The reader +will please to observe that Jack’s tone was +somewhat altered—he now put the case hypothetically.</p> + +<p>“I suppose,” said Lord Tom, “you mean +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_173">[Pg 173]</span>to enquire after the ladies whom you rescued; +rely upon it, they will not be ungrateful.”</p> + +<p>“Not I,” said Jack, “I leave all that to +fate. I’m satisfied with having done my +little all; I never make mountains of molehills.”</p> + +<p>“Then,” said Lord Tom, “I positively +declare you do yourself the greatest possible +injustice, and I will not be so careless a +friend as to suffer you to ‘hide your candle +under a bushel.’”</p> + +<p>“My what!” said Jack in an agony. The +shop—the moulds, the sixes and tens, all blazing +at once in his mind’s eye.</p> + +<p>“By your candle,” said Lord Tom, “I +mean your talent and intrepidity. Permit me +to present you to the two ladies whom, at the +hazard of your life, you preserved—Mrs. and +Miss Mervyn—who, I am sure, will be too +happy to award you all the gratitude which +you deserve.”</p> + +<p>The ladies turned round, as if preconcertedly, +and—more shame be to them!—burst +into an immoderate fit of laughter.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_174">[Pg 174]</span></p> + +<p>“I don’t understand this,” said Jack, who, +on the contrary, understood it perfectly.</p> + +<p>“Nor I, sir,” said the elder lady of the +two. “That we were miraculously saved—at +least from what, at the moment, we +thought inevitable destruction, is most true; +but it is to this gentleman we owe our preservation,”—(drawing +forward a short, stubby, +thick-whiskered man, whom Jack in a +moment recognised as having seen on the +beach,)—“Mr. Brunt.”</p> + +<p>“Ha, ha!” said Jack: “that’s the way, +ma’am, some men get credit for what other +men have done.”</p> + +<p>“I recollect you, sir,” said Lieutenant Brunt. +“I saw you—stood next you on the beach—and, +I dare say, you recollect me. I remember +your kindness in offering to hold my cloak +when I started upon my hurried voyage, or +whatever it might be called.”</p> + +<p>“By Jove!” said Lord Tom, calling the +attention of his party to a great effort made by +the men who had the hawser round the capstan +to get the brig off—“she will be saved yet!”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_175">[Pg 175]</span></p> + +<p>The relief that this change of conversation +afforded Jack, was more than compensated by +the evident change which he so clearly observed +in his friend Lord Tom’s manner; and +affecting to be extremely anxious to get a +“good look” at the operation in progress, +he fidgeted himself away as far as possible +from Mrs. and Miss Mervyn and the odious +lieutenant, whose exertions it was perfectly +true he had witnessed, and, like a simpleton, +had appropriated to himself.</p> + +<p>What was he to do:—remain, and battle it +out; or go to “The Ship,” and wait the result? +He felt that he had certainly carried +the joke a little too far, but how to retrace +his steps he did not exactly see. How on +earth could Lord Tom have got acquainted +with the two women who were saved, and +who, instead of being two beautiful girls ready +to eat him up for his gallant exertions in +their rescue from a watery grave, were mother +and daughter, neither beautiful, nor ever +having been so! but then, “Master Shallow +owed him a thousand pounds;” that was +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_176">[Pg 176]</span>his stay—his prop—his support—his safeguard +and security.</p> + +<p>Fortified by this consideration, he remained +on the pier, and eventually rejoined the party. +The attempt to get the brig off succeeded; she +floated, and was soon afterwards towed into the +harbour. The ladies and their preserver took +their leave of Lord Tom, but without bestowing +the slightest notice upon Jack, who cowered +beneath the glance of his lordship, who, to +his mingled surprise, gratification, and regret, +never uttered another syllable upon the subject. +Lord Tom walked towards “The Ship;” +so did Jack—on a parallel line; but Lord +Tom took no more notice of him than if he +had been a stock or a stone. They reached +the inn door; Lord Tom entered the house; +Jack, as usual, followed him,—but Lord Tom +made no sign; and the first mark of recognition +which he received was, to his utter +horror and amazement, from Lord Ilfracombe, +who meeting him in the hall declared himself +quite delighted at renewing the acquaintance +so propitiously begun at “The Duke of +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_177">[Pg 177]</span>Marlborough” near Wigglesford a few weeks +before.</p> + +<p>Brag was now completely taken aback. The +chilling coldness of Lord Tom’s reception in +the first instance struck him hard; the contemptuous +manner in which the rescued ladies +treated him, hit him harder in the second; but +he was so extremely vain and silly, that even +after all these indications, he was not able to +make up his mind whether Lord Ilfracombe were +in earnest or jest when he so warmly expressed +his gratification at again meeting him.</p> + +<p>Still more was he puzzled when his lordship +invited him to luncheon,—a part of +the plan which he had preconcerted, and +which, as his lordship did not then know of +the last exposure of Jack’s humbug with regard +to saving the lives of the ladies in the brig, +he still resolved upon carrying into effect. +That affair, however, in conjunction with a +letter Lord Tom had received from London, +touching the double offer and rejection of +Mrs. Dallington and Blanche Englefield, had +determined his lordship to eject him in a +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_178">[Pg 178]</span>much less ceremonious manner; but as Lord +Ilfracombe knew nothing of this, he insisted +upon Jack’s coming up-stairs, under the arrangement +into which he had previously entered +with his nephew.</p> + +<p>Jack, who took the whole thing <i lang="fr">de bonne foi</i>, +screwed up his curls and settled his collars as +usual, and accompanied the earl to one of the +drawing-rooms where luncheon had been put +down; (after which the party, excepting Lord +Tom, were to start for Canterbury, see its antiquities, +and sleep, on their way to London;) +and was, by his lordship, ushered into the +apartment, in which he found, assembled together, +Lady Ilfracombe, Lord and Lady Dawlish, +and Lady Fanny Smartly.</p> + +<p>Lady Fanny, Jack knew by sight, her ladyship +being a pre-eminent equestrian of the +equestrian order; but the other ladies he did +not recognise, although he concluded that the +elder lady was my lord’s wife. The other couple, +although they were of the party which picked +up the earl at “The Duke of Marlborough,” +he did not at the moment recollect.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_179">[Pg 179]</span></p> + +<p>“Lady Ilfracombe,” said the earl, “let me +present Mr. Brag to you—a great friend of +Tom’s, who will be here presently—and with +whom I passed a remarkably pleasant hour or +two on that wet day when you discovered me +in my shelter from the rain.”</p> + +<p>“Ah!” thought Jack, “then he remembers +it all: what will happen next!—perhaps he +has forgotten some of it—perhaps, if he has +not forgotten, he forgives. What I’m to do, I +don’t know—I’m in for it; and so here goes, +and no mistake.”</p> + +<p>“That <em>was</em> a dreadful wet day, my lord,” +said Jack; “I had no idea at the time whom +I had the honour of speaking to, but when +one is at an inn whatever comes uppermost +comes out—and—I—dare say I talked a little +too fast.”</p> + +<p>“Not a bit,” said the earl. “My great object, +besides the pleasure of having your society +at luncheon and gratifying Tom, is to undeceive +you as to our real characters. We are not the +‘kill-joys and wet-blankets’ you take us for.”—“Come, +Lady Ilfracombe, let us sit down; +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_180">[Pg 180]</span>Tom will be here immediately,—we have no +time to lose.”</p> + +<p>The bell was rung, the servants appeared, the +little party were soon seated; but before fork +had assailed a chicken’s breast, or knife been +flourished over it, Lord Tom himself entered +the room evidently excited.</p> + +<p>“My lord,” said Lord Tom, addressing +himself to the earl, “I feel it my duty to undeceive +you, as I am myself undeceived, in the +character of a person in this room, who is only +protected by being in it, in the character of my +uncle’s guest. He has now the assurance to sit +down in the presence of Lady Fanny Smartly, +with whom he claimed to you a personal intimacy; +he has the impudence to sit next Lady +Dawlish, my cousin, whose person he ridiculed +without being acquainted with it; he libelled +you, sir, without ever having seen you; and, +in short has exhibited himself in the most contemptible +possible character. This, at your +lordship’s desire, I would have overlooked, in +order to carry on the jest a little further, and +have had the satisfaction of marching him out +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_181">[Pg 181]</span>with all the honours of ridicule; but circumstances +have come to my knowledge this day +which render it my duty to insist upon his instantly +quitting this room. How he has the +audacity to sit down in the society of ladies +whom he has vilified, and of men whom he has +aspersed, it is for him to decide; but since I +have had the misfortune of associating him in +the slightest degree with my family,—which be +it observed, I have carefully abstained from doing, +whenever it was possible,—I feel it due to +them to evince my feelings by desiring, or, if +necessary, by ordering him out.”</p> + +<p>“My dear Tom!” said Lord Ilfracombe,—and +the ladies looked aghast.</p> + +<p>“Come, sir!” said Lord Tom;—“I have +to apologize, my dear aunt, for this course, +but it is the only one;—walk out—with +me, if you please, sir.”</p> + +<p>“Oh!” said Jack, rising from his seat, “in +course; if your lordship goes out too, there +can be no difficulty whatsoever—only I don’t +understand—I know something which may, +perhaps, make a difference.”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_182">[Pg 182]</span></p> + +<p>“Whatever difference there is between us, +sir,” said Lord Tom, “shall be settled immediately.”</p> + +<p>“My dear Tom,” said Lady Ilfracombe,—“what +do you mean?”</p> + +<p>“Nothing to be alarmed about, my dear +madam,” said Tom. “I shall be back in +five minutes at the farthest.”</p> + +<p>Lord Ilfracombe, who had really intended to +have a good joke out of the affair, and have +regularly presented Jack by degrees to Lady +Dawlish, the “winky-eyed, waxy doll of the +toy-shop,” and the “monstrous bore” Dawlish, +and so on, until he had shamed him +laughingly out of his absurd propensity to +talk big, was seriously vexed at the manner in +which his nephew had lost his temper and taken +the matter up; but the truth really was, that +the conduct of the man had grown unbearable. +The scandal of the affair in London had made +him ridiculous beyond measure, and the last +event of the preservation of the distressed +“females” crowned the whole.</p> + +<p>Jack certainly felt extremely awkward in +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_183">[Pg 183]</span>getting up from the table at which he had +placed himself so comfortably; but, embarrassing +as was the movement, he still chuckled +at the thought of having Lord Tom in Dover +gaol before sunset: he never travelled without +his lordship’s I. O. U.’s carefully deposited in a +Russia leather pocket-book; and his lordship, +as he felt, might be secure that if <em>he</em> did not +ride his lordship’s horses at Paris on the next +Sunday, his lordship would not be at Paris to +see them run.</p> + +<p>When Jack rose, which he found inevitable,—for, +spite of Lord Ilfracombe and the compassionate +ladies, Tom was inexorable,—he said,</p> + +<p>“Well,—I didn’t expect this—I was +asked by Lord Ilfracombe to luncheon—I did +not force myself here;—and I <em>do</em> think—considering—however—I +say nothing;—but in +the presence of females—I do not think this +altogether proper;—however, ‘might overcomes +right’—and I—can only—add—I wish your +lordship and the ladies a good morning. It is +hard treatment, but I’ll be even with somebody +that you may rely upon, and no mistake.”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_184">[Pg 184]</span></p> + +<p>“Now, Mr. Brag,” said Lord Tom when +they left the apartment, “just step into this +room, and hear what I have to say.”</p> + +<p>“Oh, in course,” said Jack.</p> + +<p>“From the time I first made your acquaintance +on the course at Epsom, I always treated +you like a gentleman,” said Lord Tom; “I introduced +you to my friends—you lived with +me—I took you to Mrs. Dallington’s—all that +story, sir, I have heard. You meet my uncle +accidentally—you vilify him to his face, traduce +me and the ladies of my family. You +render me ridiculous wherever I take you—you +insult everybody you come near—and you wind +up with telling me a distinct and deliberate falsehood +with regard to your exploits in saving two +ladies the night before last, whose faces you did +not even know when you saw them this morning. +All this you do. Now, I only ask you, can +you be surprised that I am in the highest degree +enraged with you?”</p> + +<p>“Not a bit,” said Jack; “I dare say you +are very right, and I am very wrong: but you +forget, my Lord Tom, one part of the story—I +mean the money you have borrowed of me;—if +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_185">[Pg 185]</span>that has slipped <em>your</em> memory, it has not slipped +<em>mine</em>,—and I will take care that you shall +not slip <em>me</em>, for, by Job—”</p> + +<p>“Don’t make a noise, sir,” said Lord Tom; +“give me back my <i lang="fr">bons</i> or whatever securities +you have of mine, and I’ll pay you down every +shilling upon that account; and thank you, not +only for the accommodation you have afforded +me, but for the lesson you have taught me, +as to making friendships, which I shall not, I +think, easily forget.”</p> + +<p>“What! are you going to pay me?” said +Jack.</p> + +<p>“To the last farthing, sir,” said Lord Tom.</p> + +<p>“Why, then,” said Jack, “that’s more than +I ever expected. I’ve got your <i lang="fr">bons</i> and +your I. O. U.’s all here in my pocket-book. +Stop,—let’s see; there—”</p> + +<p>“Take your time,” said Lord Tom; “I +don’t want to hurry you.”</p> + +<p>“There,” said Jack; “two hundred and +twenty—one hundred and ten—one hundred. +That’s all.”</p> + +<p>“Four hundred and thirty pounds,” said +Lord Tom.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_186">[Pg 186]</span></p> + +<p>“Exactly so,” said Jack; “but I say—I +won’t take a cheque.”</p> + +<p>“But you <em>will</em> be impertinent,” replied my +lord. “Here, sir; here are the four hundred +and thirty pounds in bank-notes. Count them, +sir; look at them.”</p> + +<p>“It’s all right, and no mistake,” said Jack, +looking over the paper.</p> + +<p>“Here perish all my <i lang="fr">bons</i>!” said Lord Tom, +tearing them up, “and, I hope, with them, all +my absurdities. To be sure, I am easily deceived.”</p> + +<p>“Yes, very; you are what I call, as innocent +as a lamb,” said Jack. “Stories <em>may</em> come out. +I say nothing.”</p> + +<p>“Do you mean to insinuate?” said his lordship.</p> + +<p>“I insinuate nothing,” said Jack, “but I +wish you a very good day. Boaster and humbug +as you call me, I’ve done one thing to-day +that would puzzle a philosopher. I’ll be +hanged if I haven’t got four hundred and +thirty pounds out of an empty pocket! That’s +what I call coming it strong. I’ve lost the +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_187">[Pg 187]</span>honour of your lordship’s acquaintance,—that’s +a misfortune; but I’ve got my money back, +and that’s a capital set-off <i lang="la">per contra</i>, and no +mistake.”</p> + +<p>“With this moment, sir, all connexion between +us ceases,” said Lord Tom.</p> + +<p>“Thank you, my lord,” said Jack; “good +morning!”</p> + +<p>Lord Tom, who was exceedingly agitated +during this burst, returned to the drawing-room, +and the reproaches of the ladies for his +cruelty towards the little man; and Brag, the +moment his lordship had disappeared, leaned +over the balusters and cried in a loud and +commanding tone—</p> + +<p>“Waiter!”</p> + +<p>“Yes, sir?”</p> + +<p>“Order me a chaise and four to Hythe +directly.”</p> + +<p>“Yes, sir.”</p> + +<p>“And”—in a louder tone of voice—“bring +me my bill—a bottle of soda-water, and change +for a hundred-pound note!”</p> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> +<div class="chapter"> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_188">[Pg 188]</span></p> + + + <h2 class="nobreak" id="CHAPTER_V"> + CHAPTER V. + </h2> +</div> + + +<p>While these events were occurring on the +sea-shore, matters were progressing, as the +Americans have it, in the metropolis, and the +two pair of lovers enjoying a felicity to which, +spite of all their inclinations and affections, +they had previously been strangers. Rushton, +taught by the precepts and encouraged by the +practice of Sir Charles, began to think that a +woman might be lively without being vicious, +sad without thinking of his rivals, and civil to +her acquaintance without being a coquette; +while Sir Charles, assured of Mrs. Dallington’s +esteem, began to appreciate the merits of her +character, and understand, which to him were +before incomprehensible, the fluctuations of +spirits and variation of temper which he had +frequently remarked, but which, until the +recent <i lang="fr">éclaircissement</i> took place, he never suspected +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_189">[Pg 189]</span>to have their origin in his own coldness +and apparent indecision.</p> + +<p>Out of evil comes good; and, whatever faults +Mr. Brag possessed, he certainly had the merit +of bringing matters in the Dallington family to +a crisis. The double marriage already began to +be spoken of, and hints were even given upon +the subject in the fashionable intelligence of the +Morning Post.</p> + +<p>Of the other party, the Browns and Meads, +we know enough for the present; they are on +their way to Paris, as happy as may be, having +left Mrs. Brown the elder, who declined the tour, +at the doctor’s house in Burlington Gardens, +where she was to reside, even after her daughter’s +return from the Continent, which could not +long be delayed, in consequence of Mead’s professional +engagements in London.</p> + +<p>While these quieter persons are moving regularly +in their proper spheres, it becomes our +duty to regard the movements of the exploded +Jack, with the same sort of attention which +we bestow upon the wrigglings and twistings of +the animalculæ in the great microscope, the +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_190">[Pg 190]</span>natural insignificance of which render the developement +of their limbs and motions matters +of interest, being such as to leave their distinctive +characteristics perfectly invisible to the +naked eye.</p> + +<p>The bill was scarcely paid, and the change +settled, before Jack’s terribly alarming post-chaise +and four rattled up to the street-door of +“The Ship,” making the cliffs reverberate with +its clatter, and—</p> + +<blockquote> +<p class=no-indent> + “——the very stones prate at its whereabout.” +</p> +</blockquote> + +<p class=no-indent>Open flew the door—bang went the steps—pop +went the cork of the bottle of soda-water—down +went the draught at full speed, nearly +choking the patient, or rather the impatient, +with its effervescence—and at three skips +and a jump the little man sprang into the +“carriage,” and throwing himself into one of +its corners, as if anxious to conceal himself +from the anxious gaze of the public, not one +of whom was looking at him, away he went, +boiling with rage and foaming with vexation, +and resolved to pay Lord Tom off in his own +coin, and no mistake.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_191">[Pg 191]</span></p> + +<p>Little did the furious John know what he +was driving to; little did he anticipate what +was to happen to him at Eastbourn, which +was his eventual place of destination, or what +strange events his sudden dismissal from the +friendship of Lord Tom was to bring about. +The immediate purpose of his soul was to reach +Hastings that night, in time to despatch a +letter to his mother, directing her <em>not</em> to direct +his letters to Paris.</p> + +<p>Arrived at Hythe, Jack’s fever had by no +means subsided; yet, upon ascertaining the +hour at which the post left Hastings, and feeling +certain, since he did not mean to “carry +on” with four horses, that he should not arrive +there in time to despatch his filial epistle by +the night’s mail, he resolved to rest for an +hour or two where he was, until he saw the +boys returning with the chaise to Dover, so +that by no means it might be discovered that +he had discarded his leaders, (as men sometimes +in a pet, feel very much inclined to do,)—and +that he might have time to write his letter, +which he did, in the following terms:—</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_192">[Pg 192]</span></p> + +<blockquote> +<p class="right"> + “White Hart, Hythe,<br> + Thursday evening.<br> + <br> +</p> +<p> + “<span class="smcap">My dear Mother</span>, +</p> + +<p>“I wrote to you yesterday from Deal; and, +as Jem Salmon would say, a deal has been +doing since I wrote. After having seen Brown +and his new wife, and having been bullied, as +I told you, by the doctor to whom that snivelling +Nance is married, I thought there was an +end; so in course, I went back as soon as the +smoke of the Ferret, the steamer in which +they crossed, told me they were off. I had +a very pleasant ride to Dovor, for I had made +an acquaintance with an uncommon gentlemanly +man, a captain of a Dutch man-of-war +lying off that port, with whom I was so much +pleased that I gave him up my sleeping-room, +which in course was the crack apartment of the +hotel where I lodged. So, in the morning, he +would insist upon attending me back. Indeed, +it was generally supposed I was going on +a visit to the Castle; and it was with great +trouble I undeceived them, for, being so much +with the nobility in these parts, in course they +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_193">[Pg 193]</span>took for granted ten thousand things which +one can’t help.</p> + +<p>“Well, when I arrived at Dovor,” for so +Mr. Brag thought it uncommonly smart, to +spell it, “I found Lord Tom with a couple of +females talking, on the pier, which somehow I +did not like;—I am, my dear mother, very particular +in that respect;—so, directly I saw it, +I said to Lord Tom, ‘Tom,’ says I, ‘this won’t +do before people of character,’ and that kind of +thing—and so I walks right away.</p> + +<p>“Well, up I goes to ‘The Ship;’—that’s the +inn here, the only place a man of any character +can go to, and where in course I am uncommon +well known;—and who should I see there +but old Ilfracombe, Tom’s uncle,—a kind of a +bore of a lord whom I have always made a +point of shirking, with his wife, and son, and +daughter-in-law, and a Lady Fanny Smartly, +which rides in the Park. So when I goes in—‘Jack,’ +says my lord, ‘I’m delighted to see +you. Where’s Tom?’ meaning Lord Tom Towzle, +which is his nephew. Says I, ‘My lord, +I can’t say; I have left him on the pier with +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_194">[Pg 194]</span>two rum ones.’ Upon which my lord says, +‘Never mind <em>him</em>; come up and have some +luncheon.’ I said, ‘My Lord,’ says I, ‘I never +lunches.’ But that war’nt no go; he would not +have it at no price. ‘Come along, Jack,’ says +he, and up he drags me, smack smooth into +the room with all his relations, and no mistake. +I’d rather have been in a pigstye; however, +Lady Dawlish and Lady Fanny smothered me +with kindness, and I was forced to sit down +and sham eating; which, in course, I did.</p> + +<p>“Well! in comes Lord Tom; and he was in +a regular humour because I would not speak +to the two promiscuous females which he was +parading about with. So I stands no nonsense, +but ups to him in a minute, like a game cock, +before the females and all, and just gave him +as good as he could bring. I told him my +mind, and pitched into him about the money +he owed me. Had him there!—in course he +couldn’t stump a dump: so I just shook my +whip—it was my little whip—right before +him, and I says, ‘Good by’e, my lord! When +you learn manners, we associate together again; +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_195">[Pg 195]</span>for the present I cut you,—not with <em>this</em>,’ +says I, shaking my little Crowther again right +in his face; ‘but the next time I see you, by +Job I’ll have my money out of you!’ With +that, he walked away just like a dog with his +tail what the soldiers call countermarched; +a regular try-back, and run into the kennel +amongst the females of his family.</p> + +<p>“And see what a fool he is: I was to ride +for him on the Champy Mas at Paris next Sunday—got +my new jacket all ready:—and now +he’ll lose that, and no mistake. So instead of +stepping over the herring-pond, I am going to +Eastbourne, which is a nice, retired place, and +where I hope you will send me down fifty or +a hundred pounds; for to tell you, my dear +mother, the plain truth,—I’m stumped. So +don’t forget, and direct to the hotel, Eastbourne.</p> + +<p class="p4 right"> + “Yours affectionately, +</p> +<p class="p2 right"> + “<span class="smcap">John Brag</span>. +</p> + +<p>“P. S.—Tell me something about Kitty: I +can’t make it out. Brown has got one child, +and two carriages:—there’s a go!”</p> +</blockquote> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_196">[Pg 196]</span></p> + +<p>When he had written and sealed this, he +enquired, as usual, of the waiter, the way to +the Post-Office; and having been properly directed, +himself slipped his packet into the box. +The epistle despatched, Jack got into his new +chaise, and proceeded towards the place of his +destination with a “happy pair” of posters.</p> + +<p>It was lateish in the evening when he reached +Hastings, and was driven to that admirable +inn, “The Swan,” which certainly combines +all the attributes which a man does not require +in a house of the sort at a watering-place. +Jack, however, bundled out of his yellow-and-two, +and being in no humour to soliloquize, +betook himself to the ill-smelling coffee-room, +and contented himself with ordering a bed, +and—as he seldom failed to do—a preparatory +glass of hot brandy and water. Dinner he had +had none—(his appetite was not particularly +sharp under all the circumstances)—but, by +way of what he called a “stay” to his stomach, +he told the waiter to bring him a sandwich—the +only single word in the English language +which comprehensively describes in a dissyllable, +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_197">[Pg 197]</span>dirt, butter, and mustard, laid between +two bits of stale bread.</p> + +<p>As for Hastings—Jack cared nothing. Whether +it had been founded by Jack Hastings, the +Danish pirate, or whether Athelstan had coined +money in it, was all one to him:—Whether +Robert, earl of Eu, or John de Dreux, had the +better right to the castle, disturbed not Jack; +nor, in the present temper of his mind, would he +have cared one pin, if, after the French burned +it in 1377, it had never been rebuilt. He was, +as he told his mother, regularly “stumped”—not +exactly in the way he wished to make her +believe—but still, stumped he was: and perhaps +never did little man experience fall so +sudden or deep as that by which Jack had +been afflicted during the last four-and-twenty +hours.</p> + +<p>It was impossible, however, for the little +man to withstand the impulse of his inherent +infirmity:—the old, stale, worn-out trick of +asking after his servant and carriage, was again +played off at “The Swan.”</p> + +<p>“No, sir,” was, of course, the answer to +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_198">[Pg 198]</span>the enquiries if his man and phaeton had +arrived.</p> + +<p>“I told him to come here,” said Jack, who, +till he reached the place, did not even know +that the sign of the inn was “The Swan.”</p> + +<p>“I’ll send to enquire, sir,” said an officious +waiter; “he may have gone to some other +house. What name shall I say?”</p> + +<p>“Brag,” said Jack;—“and, stay—if he +should be at any other inn by mistake, tell +him to bring me up the large leather case with +my writing-desk, and the small one with my +dressing-case—and the brown cloak lined with +fur:—remember, the brown one—not the blue.—But +I’d bet my life he has made some infernal +mistake.”</p> + +<p>Away went the man. Jack had gratified his +ruling passion, and again fell into no pleasing +reverie.</p> + +<p>It was in this state of mind that Jack sat +looking at the “drink,” which had been placed +before him until his eyes seemed to swim in the +glass. The time began to verge on nine o’clock +when a sort of scuffling noise outside the coffee-room +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_199">[Pg 199]</span>door aroused his attention; and turning +his eyes to the source of the disturbance, he beheld +a slim, pale, and what is called an “interesting-looking” +man, enter the room somewhat +feebly, assiduously wrapped up in divers +and sundry coats and cloaks; his face peeping +out from under a fanciful kind of foraging cap, +overlaid by a pink silk handkerchief, looking +like the pale queen of Night peeping to earth +through some intervening clouds.</p> + +<p>Jack saw that the approaching object was +what he considered “uncommon genteel;” and +when it threw itself down upon a seat in a +state of exhaustion, he began to think he had +discovered somebody upon whom he might make +an impression—in whom he might find an agreeable +listener;—which was, after all, his notion—when +he could find one—of a pleasant companion.</p> + +<p>“Pay the chairmen,” said the stranger to +the waiter, “and tell Rummagee-Doss to bring +me some Eau de Cologne.”</p> + +<p>The waiter disappeared.</p> + +<p>“I beg your pardon, sir,” said the stranger +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_200">[Pg 200]</span>to Brag, “but I am a sad invalid,—and so +hipped and wretched—upon my life, I declare, +I can’t tell how:—so low and miserable from +ill health, that I prefer this corner of the coffee-room +to any private room of my own—and, +I am afraid, I cause a great deal of inconvenience. +I declare, I wouldn’t for the world, +if I—”</p> + +<p>“None in the least,” said Jack. “Don’t +mind <em>me</em>, sir; I’m not particular any how:—take +everything as it comes—straight up, +right down, and no mistake.”</p> + +<p>“I have just arrived from India,” said the +stranger. “I never suffered anything like the +wretchedness of the voyage: such a set of people!—no +sentiment—no delicacy about them;—so +rough and noisy,—and I so extremely indisposed!—so, +the moment I could, I got on +shore here. The purser of the ship—a great +coarse creature, who used to laugh all day long +like a hyæna—landed here with letters and +things, all about business, for those people +in Leadenhall Street; and so I—it was a very +lucky chance—I said I would land here too:—I +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_201">[Pg 201]</span>brought nothing but half a dozen packages +of things I wanted, and my man, Rummagee-Doss, +just to take care of me a little;—I only +came ashore yesterday—and I have been to take +a warm bath, and I feel a great deal better already; +for the nasty smell of the ship, and such +a great deal of talking, and playing games and +romps, and a parcel of women who had no sympathy +for a sick creature like me, quite upset me,—I +really never was so overcome in all my life!”</p> + +<p>“It must be a deuce of a bore,” said Jack, +“being boxed up for half a year in one of those +great arks.”</p> + +<p>“Oh! sir,” said the stranger, “you have +no idea of the misery of it!—and the man—the +captain—had nothing in the world to make +one comfortable. He had tea, but no milk—his +cow died; and not a drop of lemonade was +to be got—nothing but wine and beer, and those +things, which one can’t drink you know—and +no pastry after the first five weeks! Oh! if +you knew what I have suffered, sir, you would +excuse any little trouble I give.”</p> + +<p>Hereabouts entered a fine-looking piece of +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_202">[Pg 202]</span>brown humanity, done up in muslin, with a +high-caste yellow streak down his forehead, +bearing a bottle of Eau de Cologne, who turned +out to be Rummagee-Doss, the stranger’s +Kitmagar.</p> + +<p>“You don’t dislike <em>this</em>, do you, sir?” said +the stranger, holding up the Eau de Cologne +bottle.</p> + +<p>“On the contrary,” said Jack, “quite the +reverse, and no mistake.”</p> + +<p>“<i lang="fr">Jou</i>,” said the stranger, and the muslin +and streak retired.</p> + +<p>“That’s a rummish cut of a toggery,” said +Jack, who had never seen an Oriental attendant +before.</p> + +<p>“A what!” said the stranger.</p> + +<p>“Curious dress,” said Jack.</p> + +<p>“Pretty and picturesque,” said the stranger, +“ill suited to this climate. I don’t mean to +keep him in England—he is an excellent creature—and +so affectionate—I never saw so much +kindness—all during my illness—so sick. I +declare—well I never did—”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_203">[Pg 203]</span></p> + +<p>“I’m not used to that sort of thing,” said +Jack; “however, if you are not going to turn in +just yet, I’ll order another glass of ‘hot with’ +just to keep you company.”</p> + +<p>“Do,—you are <em>so</em> good,” said the stranger, +twisting himself about gracefully; “I am sure +we shall be great friends by and bye. I am going +to have a little weak tea, and I have taken +such a fancy to a raspberry tart, I think I shall +indulge myself—for I am very unwell.”</p> + +<p>“Tea and tarts,” said Jack, “that’s what I +call a queer cross; but I suppose you chaps +from the East have a great many varieties of +feed of which we know nothing.”</p> + +<p>“It is extremely agreeable there,” said the +stranger, “but I have such wretched health +that I cannot enjoy anything.”</p> + +<p>At this period of the dialogue, the waiter +arrived with a tray, on which a tea equipage +was arranged, and sure enough, three raspberry +tartlets, ovals of jam covered with a trelliage of +pastry, which might be heraldically described +as “Gules, fretty of Or,” but in which no reasonable +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_204">[Pg 204]</span>mortal—“not to speak it profanely,” +above the age of thirteen, indulges in the way +of eating. Jack looked, wondered at the taste +of his companion, and ordered a replenishment +of his glass.</p> + +<p>“I shan’t discommode you,” said Jack, +“shall I?—I’m not for late sitting, but, +finding a gentleman to converse with, why, +I think, eleven or so a goodish hour to turn +in, and no mistake.”</p> + +<p>“I shall be delighted,” said the stranger. +“Oh dear! this tea is so strong—Qui hi—oh, +I forget I am—Rummagee—oh dear dear.—Waiter”—</p> + +<p>“Shall I ring the bell?” said Jack.</p> + +<p>“Oh don’t let me trouble you, sir,” said the +stranger.</p> + +<p>The waiter luckily appeared—more grog +was brought for Jack, and a little more hot +water for his companion.</p> + +<p>“Have you been long in India, sir?” said +Jack—who began to feel his natural desire to +“find out” anything come strongly upon him.</p> + +<p>“Only a few years,” said the stranger. “I +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_205">[Pg 205]</span>did uncommonly well at first, for my mother, +who is an excellent woman—indeed I don’t +know how to speak of her in terms strong +enough, for I declare I never did see such a +creature—got a friend of hers to put me on +his staff.”</p> + +<p>“Oh!” said Jack, stirring his grog, but +not at all comprehending the precise nature of +the advantage to be derived from what appeared +to him a very extraordinary position.</p> + +<p>“But at last,” said the stranger, “I could +not bear the tyranny of the old creature of a +general, so I left him and joined my regiment; +but when I got to it, the sun was so hot, and the +duty so hard, it was too much for me; so I +got sick leave, and I must say I never saw such +handsome treatment in my life; everybody—I +declare they did—even nasty creatures whom +I hated—all of them were ready to bear witness +to my illness, and to get me home the very moment +I expressed a desire that way.”</p> + +<p>It is a remarkable fact that people of education +and even general knowledge and experience, +and all of them therefore wonderfully superior +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_206">[Pg 206]</span>to Jack Brag, have such strange and ill-arranged +notions of our Indian empire,—for so it +may be called—that the sharpest and cleverest +of them will ask a man who has arrived from +the East, if he happen to know Mr. Hawkins, +or Mr. Jenkins, or Mr. Tomkins, who went to +India about ten years before; without reference +to the Presidency to which he went, or even +the service in which he was engaged, which, as +they who know the truth, know, is something +tantamount to a Bengallee asking an Englishman +if he knows Mr. Smith of Great Britain; +the extent of territory in the one, equalizing +the numerical superiority in population in the +other.</p> + +<p>If wise men and clever men, and clever women +and wise men, ask such questions of returning +Indians, is it to be wondered that Jack +Brag, who knew no more about India than +Chaucer did, should venture to inquire something +about his horror, Brown, and, what +really <em>was</em> interesting to him, the fate of +Brown’s wife? Of course the reader must +think that Brag would make those researches +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_207">[Pg 207]</span>after his own fashion; and so he did—but +he <em>did</em> make them.</p> + +<p>“I,” said Brag, drawing himself up, and +setting his neckcloth to rights—“I had some +connexions in India—but they, like you, +have come home—extremely rich and all +that—stumpy down, and no mistake;—left +them at Dover—cause indeed of my coming +here on my way to meet a friend of mine, +at Eastbourn;—they are off to France—excellent +people—I have a very high regard +for them.”</p> + +<p>“What part of India do they come from?” +said the stranger, bathing his temples with one +hand, and eating a tartlet with the other.</p> + +<p>“What part!” said Jack, “Oh—I—I—don’t +know—India—somewhere about—”</p> + +<p>“What is the name of your friend?” said the +stranger.</p> + +<p>“His name,” said Jack, “I should think, +must be pretty well known in those parts;—Brown +is his name.”</p> + +<p>“Brown!” said the stranger, “dear me!—a +gentleman!—”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_208">[Pg 208]</span></p> + +<p>“Why,” said Brag, “I don’t say much, sir,—but, +as I have already said he is a near connexion +of mine, I need not, I suppose, answer +your question—eh!—don’t you think so?—I’m +plain spoken—straight up, right down, +and no mistake. He’s a deuced fine fellow, +with a deuced handsome fortune, and married +to my sister.”</p> + +<p>“Oh!” said the stranger, “Ah!—then I +don’t know;—but I <em>did</em> know a great horrid +creature in India with a carman’s shoulders +and balustrade legs.—Oh—such a man—of +the name of Brown, whose behaviour to a +young delicate creature, the daughter of the +general, to whom I was aid-de-camp, absolutely +drove me out of India—that is—in +point of fact—”</p> + +<p>“Oh,” said Jack, “that cannot be <em>my</em> brother-in-law; +he is a regular good fellow; prime +chap! what I call a regular switcher, and no +mistake.”</p> + +<p>“Upon my word,” said the stranger, “you +<em>do</em> talk so!—a switcher!—I don’t in the least +understand you. The dreadful man, I mean, +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_209">[Pg 209]</span>was a serjeant in some regiment, who came +out with a wife. Oh, if you had but seen +her—such a monster!—all I don’t know how—so +coarse, and that kind of thing, who +voted herself a beauty; and so, somehow for +<em>her</em> sake, he wanted to be made a gentleman +of.”</p> + +<p>“Yes, sir,” said Jack, beginning to grow +rather suspicious that his cast had been too +good.</p> + +<p>“I declare I never saw anything like those +people,” said the stranger; “so impudent, so +pushing, and so rude! However, it did; it +answered; and a man—a major—kind of secretary +in the general’s office, took a fancy to +him—Heaven knows why, <em>I</em> never could see +anything about him to admire—and made +him his clerk: from <em>that</em>, you would hardly +believe it, he became first an officer, then an +aid-de-camp, and at last—but then, there is +such a long fie-fie story about that—he married +the general’s daughter!”</p> + +<p>“What!” said Jack, affecting perfect indifference, +his cheeks red as fire and his hands +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_210">[Pg 210]</span>cold as ice, “while his other wife was +alive?”</p> + +<p>“Oh dear no!” said the stranger; “she was +dead. She was a very naughty woman, quite +paw, paw!”</p> + +<p>“Quite what?” said Jack.</p> + +<p>“Oh you understand what I mean,” said +Fripps, (for Narcissus it was, who spoke,) +patting his arm,—“quite fie, fie!”</p> + +<p>“I don’t know what you mean,” said Jack, +nevertheless shrewdly guessing—hating the +half-uttered monosyllabic and mincing manner +of his raspberry-eating associate, and feeling, +callous as he was, something like a reflective +affection for his sister,—“What did she +do?”</p> + +<p>“Oh,” said Fripps, “I can’t tell you;—upon +my word something so shocking—and—I +never did—it was—oh, very bad!”</p> + +<p>“And,” said Jack, his lips quivering, “what—what +became of her?”</p> + +<p>“They buried her, poor thing!” said Fripps.</p> + +<p>“But—but,” said Jack, “tell me, if you +please, sir, was she parted from George before +<em>that</em>?”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_211">[Pg 211]</span></p> + +<p>“George!” said Fripps; “what—do you +know <em>this</em> Brown too?”</p> + +<p>“No,” said Jack; “no, no—I—don’t know +him—eh! You said his name was George—didn’t +you? She—I—should like to know +about <em>her</em>—that’s all. You have made me +wish to know—that’s all.”</p> + +<p>“What a dear sympathetic mind you have!” +said Fripps; “but let me beg you not to trouble +yourself about tipsy Kitty!”</p> + +<p>“There,” said Jack,—“you see—you call <em>her</em> +Kitty.—Well, you called <em>him</em> George.—You +did not recollect; and so—she—she—”</p> + +<p>“She,” said Fripps, “first took to drinking, +and then—then—don’t you know?—she left +this great odious Brown—ran away from him.”</p> + +<p>“Oh,” said Jack; “ah—yes, yes; that’s +natural.”</p> + +<p>“And as everybody said,” said Fripps, “as +they do when a man dies after a long illness, it +was a happy release.”</p> + +<p>“Yes, so it was—that’s what <em>I</em> often say.—Poor +Kitty!” muttered Jack, to himself—but +audibly striking his hand upon the table; +“Poor soul—poor soul!”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_212">[Pg 212]</span></p> + +<p>“There it is again,” said Fripps; “now +you say Kitty.”</p> + +<p>“<em>You</em> said Kitty,” said Jack; “how else +should I know?”</p> + +<p>“There was nothing romantic about her,” +said Fripps; “she was a dowdy-looking +thing, the daughter of a candle-maker somewhere +in London; and this Brown persuaded +her that he was an officer, and so +she ran away with him, and, as she told a +friend of mine, who really—upon my word—I +declare—people <em>do</em> such things in +India—used to meet her and talk to her, +sometimes in the evening after she had gone +away from cantonments,—she had a brother, +who helped her to run away with Brown, as +she told <em>him</em>, because he himself wanted to +be very civil indeed to Brown’s sister—don’t +you see?”</p> + +<p>“Yes,” said Jack; not lifting his eyes from +the table—“Umph!—I do—I see it all.”</p> + +<p>“It is so strange,” said Fripps, “that you +should have asked me about anybody of such a +common name as Brown in all India, and that +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_213">[Pg 213]</span>I should have been able to give you such a +comical history. However, as I told you, <em>this</em> +Brown afterwards married the general’s daughter, +and when <em>that</em> happened, I gave up my +staff appointment,—I could not stop in the +place,—and so Brown succeeded me, and then +the general died, and left him the whole of his +large fortune.”</p> + +<p>“He did, did he?” said Jack; “why then—” +swallowing at one gulp the remainder of his +grog—“that—eh!—that was—straight up, +right down, and no mistake!”—and the laugh +that followed the words was hollow and sepulchral.</p> + +<p>“What office did your relation fill in India?” +said Fripps.</p> + +<p>“I forget, at the moment,” said Jack.</p> + +<p>“Was he civil or military?” said Fripps.</p> + +<p>“Very civil, I believe,” said Jack; “but—I +don’t know.”</p> + +<p>“No, but,” said Fripps, “I mean, was he a +civilian or a soldier?”</p> + +<p>“I forget,” said Jack, who was quite “toppled +over” himself for once, “but we’ll—that +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_214">[Pg 214]</span>is, if you have no objection—talk this over in +the morning. I’m what you call, right slick +stumped; I have been riding hard all the +forenoon, and am regularly done. Perhaps +we shall meet at breakfast, sir.”</p> + +<p>“I shall be so happy you can’t think!” said +Fripps. “I shall try and get up towards town +to-morrow in the course of the day, perhaps as +far as Tunbridge Wells. But that will make +no difference; and I shall be quite delighted to +renew our acquaintance in London when we +meet there.”</p> + +<p>“You are uncommon good,” said Jack; “I +shall be very glad indeed”—at the same time +ringing the bell for a light. In a minute or +two more he quitted the room, with a bow to +Fripps, who seemed greatly disappointed at the +growing want of cordiality which he thought +he had discovered in Jack’s manner, as their +dialogue had advanced.</p> + +<p>So, however, they parted for the night.</p> + +<p>In a few minutes afterwards, Fripps rang to +give Rummagee-Doss notice of his approach +to rest; and while he was half leaning, half +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_215">[Pg 215]</span>lolling on the table, on the edge of his departure +for his room, he incidentally asked +the waiter if he knew the name of the gentleman +who had just retired.</p> + +<p>“The gentleman’s name is Brag, sir,” said +the man.</p> + +<p>“Brag!” said Fripps; “you don’t mean +that!—well! if ever—”</p> + +<p>“That is the gentleman’s name, sir,” replied +the man.</p> + +<p>“Well then, if ever I did”—said Fripps. +“What time is he going in the morning?”</p> + +<p>“He has ordered horses at nine, sir,” said +the man. “The chaise is to follow him to St. +Leonard’s, as he means to walk on.”</p> + +<p>“Well, never mind,” said Fripps: “only +take care and don’t let anybody call me till +ten. I have no doubt—the name is so uncommon—but +that I have told the unhappy +man the whole story of his wretched fie-fie sister. +<em>Her</em> name was Brag—that’s all I know. I +declare I wouldn’t have done such a thing for +a thousand rupees. Hitherow, come along:—where +is the creature? Here—help me up. +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_216">[Pg 216]</span>Good night! Well, I declare—come, Rummagee—it +can’t be helped!—good night—good +night! Well—if ever——”</p> + +<p>And so tottered up to his chamber the delicate +Narcissus Fripps, who had thus innocently +afforded Jack all the information about his +sister which he perhaps could never have derived +from any other source. This advantage +Jack had gained by boasting of his high Indian +connexions; while the misery of Fripps, consequent +upon the discovery that his companion was +Mrs. Brown’s brother, was occasioned by Brag’s +having ostentatiously announced his name, while +asking after his servant and carriage.</p> + +<p>It is needless to add, as the jest-books +say, that Jack, who certainly did not much +admire the manners of his communicative +companion, and still less the nature of his +communication, was up in the morning by +seven, and, before eight, was off towards St. +Leonard’s. As he walked onwards, his mind +was as much occupied as it could be with anything, +with the account he had heard of his +sister. From what Mead had previously told +him, the intelligence of the preceding evening +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_217">[Pg 217]</span>certainly did not so much surprise him as it +otherwise would have done; but every man has +<em>some</em> feeling, more or less as the case may be; +and Jack had been, at the moment, affected by +the unexpected recital of this piece of family +history.</p> + +<p>From the meditation in which he was absorbed, +Jack was aroused upon his arrival at +that splendid creation of modern art and industry, +St. Leonard’s, which perhaps affords +one of the most beautiful and wonderful proofs +of individual taste, judgment, and perseverance, +that our nation exhibits. Under the +superintendence of Mr. Burton, a desert has +become a thickly-peopled town: buildings of +an extensive nature and most elegant character +rear their heads where, but a few years +since, the barren cliffs presented their chalky +fronts to the storm and wave; and rippling +streams and hanging groves adorn the valley +which, twenty years since, was a sterile and +shrubless ravine.</p> + +<p>Jack, who appreciated in a very slight degree +the beauties of nature, and who talked of a +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_218">[Pg 218]</span>fine country only in reference to hedges, ditches, +stone walls, and five-barred gates, looked at +the sea, only as a great glittering body of water +which dazzled his eyes—and at cliffs as something +uncommonly out of the way. His approbation +of St. Leonard’s was excited not by +the great changes its establishment has made +in the face of the neighbourhood, nor by its +intrinsic beauty; (and he expressed his satisfaction +to a promiscuous friend with whom he +had fallen into conversation in the street;) but +because it reminded him of the Regent’s Park; +and he judiciously added, that if it could only +be got away from the sea, and set down altogether +in a sporting part of Leicestershire, +with a lot more stables, it would be a regular +“trump,” and no mistake.</p> + +<p>His temporary companion heard his opinion, +looked at him, touched his hat, and walked on.</p> + +<p>It may be asked, if Jack had such an aversion +for the sea, why he should propose to +visit Eastbourne—or why he had hovered upon +the coast? The truth is, Jack was like the +king of the chess-board towards the end of the +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_219">[Pg 219]</span>game. The widow and her sister occupied the +London square, and if he moved thither, he +would certainly put himself into danger; from +Dover he had been driven by Lord Tom’s +check—or rather checque; France was occupied +by his adversary’s queen; and the inland +watering-places were filled by knights and +rooks, who were so placed as to keep him +at bay if he ventured near their quadrates. +Eastbourne, he had heard, was quiet and retired; +and the fewer people there were resident +in it, the less chance he had of being known; +and obscurity to him, just at this particular moment, +was, strange to say, desirable. His various +defeats must inevitably become known, a +circumstance which would speedily bring the +game to an end; and his last check would, +in all probability, arrive without the accompanying +cry of “mate” from any of the ladies +whom he had so assiduously besieged, so to +Eastbourne he proceeded as soon as the appointed +chaise from “The Swan” overtook +him.</p> + +<p>To those, to whom Nature has given a taste, +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_220">[Pg 220]</span>the drive from Hastings to Eastbourne is one +full of interest; but Jack, who looked at Pevensey +Castle with a shudder on account of the +owls and the ivy that were about it, and considered +the neighbouring martello towers as works +of coeval antiquity with its Roman brick walls, +regarded with an “equal eye” every other +object, animate or inanimate, which he happened +to encounter or pass on his way to the +place of his destination; and most certainly, +of all things that never entered his head, one +never was near it,—which is the fact, that +we are indebted for the term “merry-Andrew” +to a native of the, at present, dullest little cluster +of houses in England—this very identical +Pevensey itself. It was there, that Andrew +Borde, or, according to his own absurd latinization +of his name, Andreas Perforatus, +first saw the light. He was educated first at +Winchester, and then at New College, where +he studied physic, and travelled over almost +every part of the then known world. He returned +to England in 1542, took his doctor’s +degree, and settled at his native place, whence, +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_221">[Pg 221]</span>finding the climate remarkable healthy, and +the people all exceedingly well, he proceeded +to London, and became first physician to +Henry VIII.</p> + +<p>He was, however, a wag; and used to visit +fairs and markets, and make speeches to the people, +and crack jokes, by way of advocating the +cause of medicine, and especially the use of +those particular remedies, which his eloquence +went most highly to eulogize:—hence his +<i lang="fr">sobriquet</i>, wherever he was known, was “Merry +Andrew,”—a nickname which, in the first instance, +descended to his successors in practice, +but who, in course of time and the progress +of refinement, ostensibly separated the functions +of fool and physician; and while the +medical part devolved upon the doctor, the +mummery was confined to the merry-Andrew.</p> + +<p>Of this Borde—as I have mentioned him—I +must add, that merry as he was, and author +as he was, of jest-books, and satires, and “books +of knowledge,” his eccentricity took another +turn later in life, and he practised all the austerities +of the Carthusians,—a course of discipline +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_222">[Pg 222]</span>which might perhaps have well prepared +him to endure imprisonment in the Fleet prison, +where he died in 1549. Some say he +poisoned himself; and others tell us that he +was not incarcerated for debt:—Wood, however, +calls him “a noted poet, a witty and ingenious +person, and an excellent physician.”</p> + +<p>This little digression, for which I duly apologize, +just brings our hero to the door of the +“Hotel” at Eastbourne, which, magnificently +as the word sounds, does not, in point of fact, +possess the striking attributes of its more +lordly contemporaries. Jack rather liked its +unostentatious appearance, and entered it with +one of his liveliest expressions of countenance, +skipping as usual, rather than stepping out +of his chaise into the hall.</p> + +<p>“Have rooms?” said Jack; “sitting and +bed-room, eh?—all snug and comfortable, and +no mistake? Seen my servant down here, with +the phaeton, and my things.”</p> + +<p>“No, sir,” said the landlady, “I think not. +What name, sir?”</p> + +<p>“Brag,” said Jack; “a young man—light +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_223">[Pg 223]</span>weight—dark mixture frock, leathers and tops, +an olive-green phaeton, and pair of bright +bays.”</p> + +<p>“No, sir,” said the hostess; “no such person +has been here; perhaps he has gone to +‘The Lamb,’ or the ‘New Inn,’ at South.”</p> + +<p>“Stupid dog!” said Brag; “perhaps he +has. I told him ‘The Hotel,’ as plain as I +could speak.”</p> + +<p>“Shall we send and see, sir?” said the wily +landlady.</p> + +<p>“I wish you would,” said Brag. “Where +do you think he is gone?”</p> + +<p>“To ‘The Lamb,’ perhaps, sir,” said the +mistress of the hotel.</p> + +<p>“Couldn’t mistake Lamb for Hotel!” replied +our hero, looking as much in earnest +as if he really had expected the servant and +equipage which he so accurately described. +“Never mind, I can do without him till to-morrow, +so don’t fuss yourself on my account. +Just show me my room, and I’ll order my +dinner, and all that, and take a turn while +it is getting ready.”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_224">[Pg 224]</span></p> + +<p>Those who are not acquainted with Eastbourne, +and more especially, the ‘Sea Houses,’ +which give their name to the <i lang="fr">quartier</i> in which +Jack had established himself, can scarcely believe +how very agreeable a place it is. It is true +there is nothing like gaiety going on; there are +no crowded promenades; there are no grand +balls—no house in the whole groupe is spacious +enough to enable a man to inflict a large party +on his friends; but everything around one is, +though humble, clean, fresh, and delightful. +The two extreme points of the place at which +civilization ends are distinguished by buildings +which in other days would have afforded but +little gratification to cockney ears. “The +Round House” is the <i lang="la">ultima Thule</i> of the +promenade in one direction, and the “Watch-house” +the termination of it at the other. +These are, however, but local and conventional +terms, and in the height of the season you will +generally find some delightful family located +in the one, and at all seasons a gallant sea-officer +stationed at the other.</p> + +<p>To enjoy the quiet of this peaceful village, +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_225">[Pg 225]</span>for such it is, after all the worries of the few +preceding days, and “sniff the briny,” which, +although he did not admire its beauties, he +admitted was “uncommon refreshing,” was +Jack’s first wish:—it might perhaps give him +an appetite; and then his wine would serve as +a Lethean draft after it; and then in the +morning he should get up calm, and cool, and +comfortable, and seek his fortune at the Library, +which to cockneys is always a resource, and +to Jack could not fail to be a very important +one. Accordingly, he hastened his “twilight,” +and having calculated the length of time required +for dressing his fish and fowl, descended +the stairs, looking all fresh and smart, or, to +use his own favourite phrase, “as nice as nip!”</p> + +<p>“How long,” said Jack, pulling up his collars, +“how long will it be before my dinner +is ready?”</p> + +<p>“About half an hour,” said the landlady.</p> + +<p>“What do you call your best wine here?” +asked Jack.</p> + +<p>“All very good, sir, I believe,” was the +reply.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_226">[Pg 226]</span></p> + +<p>“What claret have you?” said Jack.</p> + +<p>“Very good Lafitte, sir—Chateau Margaut,” +said mine hostess.</p> + +<p>“Oh—ah!” said Jack,—“any good Madeira—eh!—London +Particular, and no mistake!”</p> + +<p>“Our Madeira, sir,” said the landlady, “I +am afraid is not quite so good.”</p> + +<p>“Port and sherry, I suppose?” said Jack—“Kitchen +wines, eh?”</p> + +<p>“Both excellent in their way, sir,” said the +landlady. “We get our port from Paxton, +and our sherry from Toone.”</p> + +<p>“Very good names,” said Jack. “And champagne +or hock?”</p> + +<p>“Both, sir,” replied the landlady.</p> + +<p>“Any ice in the house?”</p> + +<p>“Yes, sir.”</p> + +<p>“Oh, very well,” said Jack; “I’ll—see +about it. My man is not come, I suppose?”</p> + +<p>“No, sir.”</p> + +<p>“Nor the carriage?”</p> + +<p>“No, sir.”</p> + +<p>“In half an hour, you say, dinner will be +ready?” said Jack.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_227">[Pg 227]</span></p> + +<p>“Yes, sir,” said the hostess.</p> + +<p>“I like dining early by way of a change,” +said Jack; “something new after the infernal +late hours of London. I’ll be in time, rely upon +it, and no mistake.”</p> + +<p>Saying which, he walked into his sitting-room, +adjusted his hat on one side of his head, +pulled up his collars, and just giving himself a +sort of satisfactory shake before the looking-glass, +sallied forth, scarcely deigning to look at +a man, of about his own size, dressed in black, +whose innocent mind he had been endeavouring +to astonish, by the dialogue which he had +just concluded with the landlady on the subject +of the wines, and the ice, and the servant, and +the carriage.</p> + +<p>The man of about his own size, in black, +however, was not to be so passed over. He +came forward as Jack advanced, and rather +startled our hero by a peculiar interest which +seemed to pervade his countenance, as Jack +moved across the hall towards the door with +an air and manner something between a swagger +and a wriggle, smacking, as usual, his +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_228">[Pg 228]</span>boots with his “remarkably small whip,” and +thinking he was doing it all right, and no +mistake!</p> + +<p>Jack cast a sort of contemptuous glance over +the figure of his fellow guest, with which he +could scarcely avoid <em>favouring</em> him, since he +seemed to force a notice of some sort from him. +Who he could be, Jack could not exactly comprehend;—In +black—with a remarkably bad +hat;—too smart for an undertaker—not smart +enough for a parson—Village doctor perhaps, +looking out for patients. No matter. Heads +or Tails, what did it signify to him? And +away went Jack, baffling the breeze, which +blew right in his face, and came strong upon +him as he “opened” the sea between Weston’s +shop and the library.</p> + +<p>There were but few promenaders, and in the +library not more than three persons; one of +whom was peeping through the little hole of a +kaleidoscope, another poring over the list of +subscribers, and the third, standing just inside +the half-opened door beating the old gentleman’s +tattoo with his fingers upon the window-pane. +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_229">[Pg 229]</span>Jack looked in, enjoyed for a moment +the well-known smell of green baize, white-brown +paper, kid gloves, Windsor soap, varnish, +and lavender-water, with which such gay +receptacles are generally redolent; then turned +out again, and walked as far as he could in +the direction of Beachy Head, the state of +the tide and the nature of the shore limiting +his excursion thitherwards, however, to about +two hundred yards.</p> + +<p>Having done this, he followed the example +of the other strollers, and walked back again, +extending his march beyond Mrs. Gilbert’s +“Tea Room,” and the life-boat, and concluding +it by entering the garden of the hotel, +which opens to the beach, by which route he +regained his parlour, satisfied that the air was +remarkably bracing, and the company of the +place as select as he could possibly wish it +to be.</p> + +<p>The cloth was laid; everything prepared; +and nothing appeared to be wanting but the +summons—the rub of the lamp to produce the +Genius. Jack rang the bell;—all was ready. +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_230">[Pg 230]</span>The smoking fish came, leaping like a salmon +to the board, and in five minutes Jack was +seated fork in hand.</p> + +<p>“What wine do you take, sir?” said the +waiter, who had heard the conversation upon +that particular subject which had passed between +the guest and his mistress in the hall.</p> + +<p>“Wine?” said Jack, “why, half a pint of +sherry; and bring some small beer, if it’s +very good.”</p> + +<p>“Yes, sir,” said the waiter, and, it is needless +to add, did as he was bid.</p> + +<p>Jack certainly had been upset by the last +night’s rencontre; but still, as his stomach +filled, and the genial influence of the cruet-full +of Toone’s super-excellent began to operate, +he again reared his drooping head; +and resolving to care nothing for what could +not be helped, ordered a bottle of old port, +and a bit of fire; for although the season +was young, yet the weather was coldish, +and he felt chilly, and besides, as one of +the most beautiful women that ever fell into +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_231">[Pg 231]</span>solitude in the midst of a crowd once said to +me—“To anybody who lives so much alone +as I do, a cheerful fire is company.” These +simple words sounded to <em>me</em> deeply pathetic, and +conveyed to my mind an idea of the wretchedness +of involuntary seclusion, which more +eloquent language, or a finer-turned phrase +would perhaps not have produced. That fair +creature, however, once the gem-like centre of +the circle she brightened and adorned, is gone +to her long account; and if retribution were to +be meted out to mortals in <em>this</em> world, she +would nearly have atoned for all her faults before +she left it.</p> + +<p>“Put down some dessert,” said Jack, “clap +a log on the grate, draw the curtains, and bring +me the London paper.”</p> + +<p>“Yes, sir,” said the waiter, who implicitly +obeyed the commands he received, but still +looked somehow suspiciously at Jack, not as +doubting his respectability and solvency, or +even questioning the bright vision of the groom +and the phaeton, but as if expecting that something +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_232">[Pg 232]</span>was likely to happen in the course of +the evening to mar the comfort of the ‘cheerful +fire-side.’</p> + +<p>The paper came; Jack occupied two chairs, +and it would be doing the vain simpleton +injustice to deny that as he sipped his wine +his thoughts reverted to his sister Kate. The +chain, it is true, contained many links, and one +end of it was riveted to the counter of the candle-shop; +but still there is no man so callous, +or so heartless, but that at certain moments he +“feels:”—Jack <em>did</em> feel, and even went the +length of repenting many things which he had +done, and regretting that he had not done +many others which he had neglected, and was +really getting quite amiable. There certainly +<em>was</em> a reason for this—he was alone,—and had +no game to play.</p> + +<p>From the reverie or rather slumber into +which the heat of the fire, the strength of the +port wine, and the very long leading articles of +the newspaper which he was reading without understanding +one syllable contained in them, had +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_233">[Pg 233]</span>thrown him, he was aroused in about three +quarters of an hour by the re-appearance of the +waiter, who said that a gentleman wished to +speak a few words to him.</p> + +<p>“To me?” said Jack.</p> + +<p>“Mr. Brag, I believe, sir,” said the waiter.</p> + +<p>“Yes,” said Brag, “in course, that’s my +name, and no mistake. What is the gentleman’s +name?”</p> + +<p>“I don’t know, sir,” said the waiter. “He +is outside, sir.”</p> + +<p>“Desire him to come in,” said Jack, who +concluded it was either the master of the ceremonies +to nail him for a subscription, or the +apothecary to secure a patient, or perhaps +some of the parochial authorities desirous of +knowing whether he would wish the bells at +“South,” as they call it, to announce his +arrival at the Sea Houses.</p> + +<p>The waiter opened the door, and all Jack’s +suspicions were confirmed when he beheld the +man about his own size, dressed in the shabby-genteel +black, whom he had entirely astonished +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_234">[Pg 234]</span>about the wines, the ice, the servants, the +horses and the carriage, in the hall before dinner, +enter the room with a low bow.</p> + +<p>The waiter retired, and shut the door.</p> + +<p>“I beg your pardon, sir,” said the shabby-genteel, +holding his shocking bad hat in his +hand, “I believe, sir, your name is Brag?”</p> + +<p>“It is, sir,” said Jack.</p> + +<p>“Of Lower Grosvenor Street, in the Parish +of St. George, Hanover Square, Middlesex,” +said the stranger.</p> + +<p>“Exactly so,” said Brag.</p> + +<p>“It is very curious, sir,” said the stranger, +“that I should have been lucky enough to +meet with you here. I have been frequently to +Grosvenor Street, but the people there, said +you never lived there. I heard, sir, you had a +house in Surrey, but I never could find out exactly +where it was. We did get a letter saying +that the newspaper said you were gone to +Dover, and I should have gone over to that +place from this, but your arrival here saves me +a great deal of trouble, and will make no difference +to you, sir.”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_235">[Pg 235]</span></p> + +<p>“No,” said Jack, drawing his little legs +off the second chair, and sitting upright to +look at his visitor,—“but may I just ask +why you happen to be so very anxious to +see <em>me</em>?”</p> + +<p>“I am clerk, sir,” said the visitor, “to +Messrs. Tapps, Tatlock, and Shackleton, of +Pump Court, Temple, and have been for these +ten days looking out to serve you with notice +of action of trespass at the suit of Thomas +Grindleston of Wigglesford, in the county of +Herts. We wrote twice to you, sir, but, not +getting any answer, and not knowing the name +of your solicitor, <em>my</em> gentlemen ordered me +to look after you at Dover; but as I had some +business here, on my way, the minute I heard +you asking for your carriage and servant, and +mentioning your name, I said to myself—‘That’s +my gentleman.’—Here is the copy of +the writ, sir, which I now serve you with.”</p> + +<p>“Upon my life,” said Jack, “I don’t know +what I have to do with this.”</p> + +<p>“It’s about the steeple chase, sir,” said the +visitor, “of which you had the management, +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_236">[Pg 236]</span>and which did considerable damage to Mr. +Grindleston’s property.”</p> + +<p>“But,” said Jack, “there are hundreds of +steeple chases in the course of the year, and +nobody is prosecuted.”</p> + +<p>“That is all according to taste, sir,” said +the stranger. “Mr. Grindleston, our client, +sir, is not a sporting character, and doesn’t +exactly see why <em>you</em>, as having marked out +the line, should have chosen to draw it directly +across his property;—even hunting a +fox, sir, over another man’s grounds, after the +case decided by Lord Ellenborough, (Earl of +Essex against General Capel, 1809,) is held to +be a trespass. In the case of Merest and +Harvey, the defendant committed the trespass +in the plaintiff’s presence after being +warned off—the jury there, sir, gave five hundred +pounds damages; and Sir Vicary Gibbs, +who tried the case, refused a new trial, and +said, ‘Suppose I had a walk before my house +which I had a pleasure in looking at or walking +on, would it be allowed that a man should +come and walk there to my annoyance, and +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_237">[Pg 237]</span>then offer me a halfpenny in satisfaction, alleging +that I had received no actual damage?’”</p> + +<p>“But what am I to do now, sir?” said Jack.</p> + +<p>“Nothing in the world, sir,” said the stranger; +“just put that slip of paper into your +pocket, and the gentleman, whoever he may +be, who is concerned for you, will tell you all +the rest.”</p> + +<p>“Sir,” said Jack, “I don’t understand this +at all; I have no gentleman who is concerned +for me—nor lady either, as I begin to think; +and I don’t comprehend it—it’s all gibberish—moonshine—nonsense—straight +up, right +down, and no mistake.”</p> + +<p>“No, sir, I will not trouble you any farther,” +said the clerk; “<em>I</em> know there’s no +mistake—but I have done my duty, sir, and +I wish you good evening. I would not have +intruded till the morning,” added the shabby +genteel; “but I have a chance of a cast to +Lewes to-night, and I thought it best to lose +no time.”</p> + +<p>“And who are your employers?” said Jack, +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_238">[Pg 238]</span>who had just instinct sufficient to know that he +had got himself into a scrape.</p> + +<p>“Messrs. Tapps, Tatlock, and Shackleton, +of Pump Court, Temple, sir,” replied the +clerk: “good evening, sir.” Saying which, +the unwelcome visitor disappeared, and closed +the door after him.</p> + +<p>This was extremely agreeable; here was Brag +saddled with an action for trespass, singled out +as the leader of the sport, and all the burthens +upon his mind crowned with a lawsuit, and all +resulting from his own empty vanity, in putting +himself forward as the hero of the day; a +piece of absurdity rendered more objectionable +to the plaintiff Grindleston, because he thought +proper to puff himself into possession of the +said plaintiff’s property. However, it was of +no use thinking it over, then—morning was +the time for business; and so Jack, relieved +from the presence of the harpy, proceeded to +read the paper and drink his port, till he fell +again into a profound slumber from which he +awoke only to ring the bell, order his candle, +and go to bed.</p> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> +<div class="chapter"> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_239">[Pg 239]</span></p> + + + <h2 class="nobreak" id="CHAPTER_VI"> + CHAPTER VI. + </h2> +</div> + + +<p>The morning again dawned, and again was +Brag “up and stirring.” He read and reread +the narrow strip of paper which had been +fastened upon him by the emissary from +Messrs. Tapps, Tatlock, and Shackleton, of +Pump Court, and was very little the wiser +for the information he derived from its contents. +Instinct, however, made him very +much dislike the affair, upon which, he concluded, +he must consult some lawyer of his +own; but not having such an officer regularly +retained in his household, and knowing +but little of the routine of legal business, he +proceeded, in the first instance, to act upon +the directions of the imp from whom he had +received the “strip,” and put it into his +pocket.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_240">[Pg 240]</span></p> + +<p>During breakfast he seriously repeated the +usual fruitless inquiries after his servant and +equipage, and received the anticipated negative +to his questions with an affectation of high +displeasure, strengthened by one of those brief +but emphatic exclamations, which, if uttered +before one of his Majesty’s worshipful justices +of the peace, would have subjected him to a +fine of five shillings.</p> + +<p>Having despatched his morning meal, he +repaired to the stables, and ran his eye over +the horses which were standing in them,—at +times looked knowingly at some of the +best,—and spoke technically to the coachmen +or grooms about some of the worst. One +pair of coach-horses particularly struck his +fancy:—To whom did they belong?—was his +question to a servant, wearing bright orange +plush unmentionables, who was, without coat, +waiscoat, or jacket, working away at one of +them, polishing him up to a degree of brightness +and smoothness very difficult of attainment +in horse-skins at the sea-side.</p> + +<p>“Whose horses did you say these were?” +said Jack.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_241">[Pg 241]</span></p> + +<p>“Mrs. Peckover’s, sir,” said the man.</p> + +<p>“What!” said Jack—“the lady of my +friend Mr. Heneage Peckover of Womanswould +in Kent?”</p> + +<p>“The same, sir,” said the servant.</p> + +<p>“Is Mr. Peckover dead?” said Jack.</p> + +<p>“Not particularly, sir,” said the man, continually +rubbing and hissing as hard as he well +could; “on the contrary, he is as lively as +ever.”</p> + +<p>“Because you said Mrs. Peckover’s horses,” +said Jack.</p> + +<p>“Yes,” said the man, “we calls everything +missus’s. What’s master’s is her’s—and what’s +her’s is her own, sir. Master don’t much +interfere.”</p> + +<p>“Where are they staying?” said Jack.</p> + +<p>“At that house, sir,” said the man, stepping +out of the stable-door and pointing, “with the +bow-window there, sir.”</p> + +<p>“Oh,” said Jack, “I must go and call on +them.—Very fine pair of nags as ever I clapped +my eyes upon—good colour, shape, and +make: fast trotters, I take it.”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_242">[Pg 242]</span></p> + +<p>“Uncommon, sir,” said the man, “and step +together like winkin’.”</p> + +<p>“All right that,” said Jack, “and no mistake:”—and +out he walked, not sorry, however +much he might wish for retirement, at finding +an acquaintance in the place, who was not very +well known either to, or by the persons with +whom he, for the present, desired to have no +particular connexion.</p> + +<p>Jack had met Mr. Peckover out with hounds +round London. He was a hale, portly man, of +some fifty-six, with rosy cheeks and strong +limbs; the voice of a Stentor; and a laugh +which, when excited, might be heard “a goodly +league at sea.”</p> + +<p>It is said that men’s characters sometimes +agree with their names, although James Smith +has given us an excellent song to exhibit “the +rule of contraries” in this particular. Certain +it is, however, that Heneage Peckover, of +Womanswould in the county of Kent, Esq. +was—tall as he was, broad as he was, +heavy as he was, and loud as he was—the +mere slave of his wife, from whom, it may be +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_243">[Pg 243]</span>necessary to observe, he had derived nearly +the whole of the fortune which enabled him to +make the figure he made in society. What he +originally <em>had</em> been, history has not accurately +recorded; but the aristocratic character of the +former of his two names (christian-name it can +scarcely be called) led people to suppose that +his connexions must somehow have been of a +superior order.</p> + +<p>Jack had never seen the lady,—nor indeed +had any of the “friends” with whom Mr. +Peckover was in the habit of hunting.—Not +to hear of her, after having been five minutes +in her husband’s society, would have been impossible. +It was not enough that she directed +his conduct and controlled his actions; nor +that he paid her every deference whilst in her +society, and followed her instructions with the +implicit obedience of a well-broken spaniel, +whenever she thought fit to fulminate them. +The habit of submission was so strongly impressed +upon his mind, that it had induced something +like a veneration for her opinions and decisions, +by which his whole conduct in life was regulated; +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_244">[Pg 244]</span>so that although, when away from her, he really +was what may be called a capital jolly country +gentleman; and laughed, and joked, in <em>his</em> way, +with the greatest earnestness and fervour, still +he had neither taste nor judgment of his own; +and his conversation was therefore made up of +continued references to “Mrs. Peckover,” and +her views, her opinions, her <i lang="la">dicta</i>, and her decisions +upon all subjects, which were rendered +the more strikingly absurd to his ordinary companions, +inasmuch as they had never seen the +lady, nor ever were likely to see her, since she +peremptorily declined receiving her husband’s +sporting acquaintance, the exclusion of whom +from <em>her</em> house, (as she invariably called it,) was +the condition alone upon which she permitted +him to enjoy what are called the pleasures of +the chase.</p> + +<p>The extent of the present scene of action +was so small, that all the inhabitants of the +comfortable Kraal were visible to each other in +the course of any one hour of any one day; +and not much more than half that period of +time had elapsed, when Jack espied his friend +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_245">[Pg 245]</span>walking with Colonel Stiffkey, whom he also +knew, from having met him occasionally at +Mrs. Dallington’s. This was rather a drawback +to the gratification he experienced in +seeing Mr. Peckover, who looked glowingly +bright; his rubicund face shining well over a +buttoned-up blue coat, “leathers” of the old +school, and “tops” to match.</p> + +<p>“Bless my soul!—Mr. Brag,” exclaimed +Peckover; “who the deuce would have thought +of finding you here?”</p> + +<p>“I might say the same to you, sir,” said +Jack. “How d’ye do, sir? Needn’t ask—charming +well, I am sure.”—“How d’ye do, +Colonel?” added Brag, waiting to see what +sort of recognition the colonel would afford +him.</p> + +<p>The Colonel’s “Quite well!” was as gracious +as possible.</p> + +<p>“As for <em>me</em>,” said Peckover, “Mrs. Peckover +says she never saw me looking better. +True enough;—I’m hearty and hale, and all +<em>that</em>—ha, ha, ha! Are you come to stay here, +Mr. Brag?”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_246">[Pg 246]</span></p> + +<p>“For some time, I think,” said Brag. “I +have just got away from the Ilfracombes, and +the Dawlishes, and Lord Tom, who have been +at Dover. Lord Tom wanted me to go to +Paris to ride his horses, but I know a trick +worth two of that—sure of a wrangle wherever +he is concerned; so I backed out, smack, +smooth, and no mistake.”</p> + +<p>“Mrs. Peckover says,” said Peckover, “that +horse-racing is but ticklish work, after all:-too +much in the hands of other people—jockeys, +trainers, and friends—eh?—ha, ha, +ha!”</p> + +<p>“I never have been on the turf,” said Stiffkey, +with an air of self-satisfaction which +would have induced anybody who did not +know him, to believe that his abstinence had +not proceeded from the positive want of money +and horses.</p> + +<p>“Mr. Brag,” said Peckover, “is a capital +jockey, if you come to that. Well—where do +you dine to day?”</p> + +<p>This question was asked, first, in the hope +that Brag was engaged; and secondly, because +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_247">[Pg 247]</span>Peckover flattered himself that he could prevail +upon his lady to admit him and the colonel +to her table, by explaining to her that the +colonel was <em>not</em> one of his hunting friends, and +concealing from her the fact that Brag <em>was</em>.</p> + +<p>“I am not engaged anywhere,” said Brag—“I’m +at the hotel.”</p> + +<p>“So am I,” said the Colonel.</p> + +<p>“I’m sure Mrs. Peckover will be delighted +to see you,” said Heneage. “She dines at +six—‘because,’ as, she says, ‘early hours, good +air, and plain feeding, are good for one’s health’—and +I believe it to be so—ha, ha, ha!”</p> + +<p>“I shall be most happy,” said the Colonel.</p> + +<p>“And I,” said Jack.</p> + +<p>“That’s a large ship in the offing,” said the +Colonel.</p> + +<p>“Mrs. Peckover tells me she thinks it’s a +man-of-war,” said Peckover. “I don’t know +much about ships, but I dare say it is. She has +been watching it through her glass.”</p> + +<p>“For a sea place,” said Jack, “this is uncommon +snug—and I like the look of the +country round it.”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_248">[Pg 248]</span></p> + +<p>“Why,” said Peckover, “Mrs. Peckover’s +opinion is, that the mixture of trees, and sea, +and corn-fields, and downs, and good roads, +and fine cliffs, is extremely beautiful. For my +own part, I don’t profess to know much about +such things; but I take it all as it comes. +Ha, ha, ha!”</p> + +<p>“That’s the only way to get on in this +world,” said the Colonel. “Pray have you +been over to Hurstmonceaux?” added the gallant +officer.</p> + +<p>“No,” said Peckover; “Mrs. Peckover +went there last Tuesday, I think it was. She +has great taste for ruins, and remnants, and +relics, and all that. She took over two or three +young ladies, the Miss Gubbinses, who are +here, and there was no room for me in the carriage, +so I staid here, and played billiards with +the marker’s boy till she came back.”</p> + +<p>“There seems to be no news in the London +papers this morning?” said the Colonel.</p> + +<p>“No,” said his friend; “Mrs. Peckover tells +<em>me</em>, that if Russia, Austria, and Prussia were +to join against France, the odds would be greatly +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_249">[Pg 249]</span>in favour of the coalition; but I don’t trouble +my head much about politics. Ha, ha, ha!”</p> + +<p>“Well,” said Brag, “is there anything to +see near at hand? Where is what they +call ‘South,’ because I suspect my fool of a +servant has lost himself and my phaeton, somewhere +in the Wilds of Sussex, and I may, +perhaps find him stalled up at ‘The Lamb,’ I +think the hotel people call it.”</p> + +<p>“Oh, ah!” said Peckover; “South—they +call it South, Mrs. Peckover tells me, to distinguish +it from East, which they call this. Mrs. +Peckover gets all our meat from a butcher at +South. I’ll walk with you.”</p> + +<p>“With all my heart,” said the Colonel.</p> + +<p>“That’s right!” said Jack; “I think a +toddle along the road will do us good, and no +mistake!”</p> + +<p>“Mrs. Peckover says walking exercise is the +best,” said her husband, “yet, somehow, she +generally drives about herself; however, I +don’t pretend to understand these matters. +Ha! ha! ha! Come, let’s start.”</p> + +<p>And away the trio went, Jack extremely well +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_250">[Pg 250]</span>pleased with his reception, and resolved to keep +quiet and easy, more than ever struck with his +fat friend’s perpetual reference to his better +half, and convinced, by Colonel Stiffkey’s manner +towards him, that he had not been enlightened +in any degree upon the subject of the +affair with Mrs. Dallington and Miss Englefield.</p> + +<p>The day was delightful, and they had got on +the road just as far as where foot passengers +generally strike into the fields, when Brag perceived +a man, who, by the azure hue of his coat, +and the bright orange-colour of his plushes, +he knew to be one of Peckover’s footmen, +coming at what he considered a splitting pace +in pursuit of them.</p> + +<p>“One of your servants, I think,” said Jack.</p> + +<p>“Oh,” said Peckover, “most probably Mrs. +Peckover wishes to be of our party.—Well, +Stephen, what is it?”</p> + +<p>“My missus, sir,” said Stephen, “wants +you to come in, if you please.”</p> + +<p>“Oh, come in, does she?” said the Herculean +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_251">[Pg 251]</span>infant;—“Why doesn’t she come out?—it +would do her a vast deal more good. What, +is she in the house?”</p> + +<p>“Yes, sir,” said Stephen, “and bid me say +she was waiting.”</p> + +<p>“Why, then, gentlemen,” said Peckover, “I +am afraid I must leave you. I know she has +some project for this morning, but I don’t pretend +to know anything of her movements.—I’m +coming, Stephen.—I’ll just step home, +and if I can get away I’ll follow you—only +don’t mind <em>me</em>. Back at six;—don’t forget—punctual +to the minute, for as Mrs. Peckover +says, you can never expect to have a good +dinner or a good cook, if you are not punctual—so +mind. Ha, ha, ha!”</p> + +<p>“Never fear,” said Jack; “I’ll be at the +post, afore the bell rings for saddling, and no +mistake.”</p> + +<p>“And I will be the very shadow of Mr. +Brag,” said the Colonel.</p> + +<p>“That’s one of the comforts of matrimony,” +said the Colonel, after watching Peckover’s +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_252">[Pg 252]</span>hurried return homewards. “That gentle +giant is tied to his lady’s apron string, and +beyond its tether, wander he must not.”</p> + +<p>“I think,” said Jack, “if I was as big as he, +I should try if I couldn’t break it.”</p> + +<p>“Did you ever see Mrs. Peckover?” said +the Colonel.</p> + +<p>“Never set eyes on her,” replied Jack.</p> + +<p>“She is a delicate looking woman,” said the +Colonel; “her figure small and slight; her +nose long, her mouth wide, her voice shrill, and +her tongue exhibiting to the curious in ‘natural +mechanism’ the long-sought-for desideratum of +perpetual motion. The only relief she gives +that active member, or her husband, is when she +is sulky, upon which occasions she keeps him +sitting in her boudoir, or wherever it may be, +the whole day, without letting him stir out, or +speaking a syllable to him while he stays at +home.”</p> + +<p>“But why does not he kick?” said Jack;—“rebel; +run rusty?”</p> + +<p>“Because he believes her to be the cleverest +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_253">[Pg 253]</span>woman in all the world,” said the Colonel. +“As for disputing the excellence of her taste, +or doubting the infallibility of her opinions, he +would as soon think of flying; and such has +been the nature of her management in breaking +him in, that he does not in the slightest degree +consider her tyranny as oppressive; on the +contrary, he thinks her so far above every +other living creature, that his homage and submission +are voluntary tributes to her perfection.”</p> + +<p>“I suppose,” said Jack, “we must not venture +to contradict anything she says at dinner, +even in the way of joke?”</p> + +<p>“You need not be apprehensive of her doing +anything in that line,” said the Colonel. “I +once, and only once, dined with them at their +place Womanswould, and she took offence in +the early part of dinner because Peckover +drank wine with somebody without asking <em>her</em> +which wine he ought to drink; and from that +moment she stopped her loquacity dead short, +and moped for the rest of the evening.”</p> + +<p>“Wouldn’t it be a good thing to affront her +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_254">[Pg 254]</span>a little at starting?” said Jack; “perhaps it +might give him a chance of throwing in a +word.”</p> + +<p>“Not a bit,” said the Colonel: “if <em>she</em> +won’t speak, <em>he</em> mustn’t; so we should have to +keep up the ball between us, unless one or two +of those Miss Gubbinses, who are a good deal +with her, should happen to be of the party. +However, we must trust to Fate.—You say +you are just from Dover?”</p> + +<p>“Came off the day before yesterday,” said +Jack.</p> + +<p>“Did you happen to see some old friends of +mine there?” said the Colonel—“the Gunnersburys?”</p> + +<p>“Oh, yes,” said Jack; “I dined there the +day before I left. Very pleasant party. The +Dullinghams, and Sir Henry Rockley, and a +Mr. and Mrs. Carnaby. What a queer body +Lady Gunnersbury is!”</p> + +<p>“Monstrous spirits,” said the Colonel.</p> + +<p>“Talk of perpetual motion,” said Jack; “I +think she’d give Mrs. Peckover two stone and +a distance, and beat her in a canter.”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_255">[Pg 255]</span></p> + +<p>“Yes, she is an entertaining old lady,” said +the Colonel.</p> + +<p>“To be sure, how she did go on!” said +Jack.</p> + +<p>“It is through <em>her</em>,” said Stiffkey, “that I +am connected with the family. She is my +great-aunt; and I mean to pay them a visit +before I go to London. Indeed, George Gunnersbury +has more than half promised to come +over to me here, and in that case we should +return together. He is a capital fellow!”</p> + +<p>“Oh, very pleasant indeed!” said Jack.</p> + +<p>“He has more real fun about him when he +is in a good humour, than anybody I know,” +said Stiffkey.</p> + +<p>“Yes,” thought Jack, may be so—at the same +moment congratulating himself that the Colonel’s +developement of his connexion with the +family, saved him from something very like a +repetition of the Dullingham affair, out of +which he had so recently escaped.</p> + +<p>“By the way,” said the Colonel, wishing, as +it should seem, to vary the topics of conversation +to suit Jack’s particular taste, “when did +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_256">[Pg 256]</span>you see our fair friends, the widow and her +sister?”</p> + +<p>“The day before I left town,” said Jack; +“I—in fact—I thought it better to—withdraw. +I like candour—hate what I call sham-abraham. +Give me sincerity—all straight up, right +down, and no mistake. And I thought in my +own mind that they were playing what I call +a shuffling game. It looked somehow like a +regular cross.”</p> + +<p>“I don’t exactly see,” said the Colonel.</p> + +<p>“Why, what I say, Colonel, is this,” said +Jack;—“if you mean a thing, say so; and if +you don’t mean it, don’t go on worriting and +fretting people about nothing. I saw that +Lydiard and Rushton,—two deuced good fellows +in their way—were making themselves +miserable about these two females, so I says +to Lydiard, says I, ‘Put a face upon this; +don’t be trifled with:’—and I said the same +to Rushton:—and, in course,—as I know the +sex, and shouldn’t speak without knowing regularly +what I was about,—they took my +advice: and I’m sure—as you know all the +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_257">[Pg 257]</span>parties, and,—in course, we are tiled—I brought +the whole thing about, smack, smooth, and no +mistake whatever:—opened their eyes to their +own situation; and the night before I left +town,—which I did in uncommon high glee +at having made up the matter,—I set them +down to supper, two regular couple, all wrangles +over—and <em>they</em>, matched for life as nice +as nip, and no mistake.”</p> + +<p>It was Jack’s misfortune, whenever he became +eloquent, to fall immediately into his +own peculiar style of oratory; and this burst, +to which he had been encouraged by the colonel’s +evident ignorance of all the real facts, +brought the gallant officer’s eyes into an almost +full stare of astonishment at the mode in which +his voluble, volatile friend expressed himself.</p> + +<p>“I have thought sometimes,” said the Colonel, +“when I have had the pleasure of meeting +you there, that you were in the field yourself. +It struck me that you thought Miss Englefield’s +singing very charming.”</p> + +<p>“So I did,” said Jack, still clinging to the +<i lang="fr">eclat</i> of having been favoured by anything so +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_258">[Pg 258]</span>charming as Blanche, and yet wishing to convey +the idea that he had been smiled on by +both—“so I did; but then I was taken uncommonly +by Mrs. Dallington’s talking. They +are both delightful creechurs! No: I admired +them both as a friend—a sincere friend—nothing +more; and so I thought the best thing +I could do was, to pair them off with the men +whom they liked, and who liked them.”</p> + +<p>“Most marvellous self-denial!” said the +Colonel.</p> + +<p>By this time they had reached “South,” +and the colonel accompanied Brag to “The +New Inn,” and thence to “The Lamb,” in order +that he might go through the ceremony of +enquiring for his “fool of a servant, and his +phaeton,” which, to do his acting credit, he +performed with the greatest apparent earnestness.</p> + +<p>These matters adjusted, they returned by a +circuitous route, and as they were wending +their way through the open gardens at the +back of “The Sea Houses,” they beheld the +glittering equipage of Mrs. Peckover trailing +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_259">[Pg 259]</span>along the road, containing herself and her two +favourite friends, the Gubbinses, and proceeding +towards Westham and Pevensey.</p> + +<p>“Our friend, taking the air,” said the +Colonel.</p> + +<p>“Mr. P. isn’t there?” said Jack.</p> + +<p>“No, she very seldom takes him out with +her,” said the Colonel. “She says he is too +big for the inside of the carriage, and she cannot +dispense with her footman, who, upon +these occasions, shares the box with the coachman. +I dare say we shall find him somewhere +about; or perhaps she has sent him to pick up +laver for her, which is found here in plenty and +perfection.”</p> + +<p>“Well,” said Jack, “if I were Mr. Peckover, +sooner than stand <em>that</em>, I would dig +stones in a quarry on my own account.”</p> + +<p>“There is no accounting for taste,” said +the Colonel; “besides, there are secrets in all +families, and we do not perhaps know what +the reciprocal obligations of the parties to each +other may be; one thing is certain, he wears +his chains merrily. I never saw a man more +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_260">[Pg 260]</span>perfectly happy: however, let us proceed to +the library, where, if his lady-wife have not +ordered him on some fatigue-party, we shall +in all probability find him knocking the balls +about as usual, either by himself or with the +marker’s boy.”</p> + +<p>Anything makes a pursuit at a watering-place. +A glassblower, whose performances +have been before your eyes for years in London, +without exciting your attention in the +slightest degree, at a watering-place becomes +an object of wonder and surprise;—a sick rattle-snake, +who would slumber unseen and disregarded +in his flannel waistcoat, at the Zoological +Gardens in London, is visited with the +greatest avidity: and a fish caught the night +before, which happens to be two feet longer, or +one foot thicker, than fishes of the same kind +generally are, attracts a crowd of astonished +spectators, and elicits a thousand interesting +remarks and observations.</p> + +<p>It turned out that Mr. Peckover was not at +the library, nor was he gathering laver; on +the contrary, he was sitting on a bench facing +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_261">[Pg 261]</span>the sea, at which he was looking wistfully, +and evidently much depressed. When he saw +Brag and the colonel advancing, he rose to +meet them—and they perceived in a moment +that something had worried him.</p> + +<p>“I am glad I have found you,” said he. +“Upon my life! I am almost ashamed to say +what I am going to say:—Mrs. Peckover tells +me that she has engaged herself to go to Hastings +to buy some French things at a smuggling +shop, and that she shan’t be able to have the +pleasure of receiving you at dinner to-day.”</p> + +<p>“Oh,” said the Colonel, “never mind—don’t +care about <em>that</em>:—some other day. As +Mr. Brag and I are both staying at the same +hotel, we can have our little “<em>portions</em>” <i lang="fr">tête-à-tête</i>, +and you’ll let us come to you when you +are quite disengaged.”</p> + +<p>“I saw the carriage going along the road,” +said Jack:—“capital steppers those bays—never +saw better: all right that, sir, and no mistake.”</p> + +<p>“Why! Mrs. Peckover tells <em>me</em>,” said the +husband, “that the Marquess of Whitechapel +says they are the best pair of carriage-horses +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_262">[Pg 262]</span>in London. I don’t trouble myself much about +carriage-horses—she does:—ha, ha, ha!”</p> + +<p>“But suppose,” said the Colonel, “as Mrs. +Peckover will not be back in time for dinner, +that you were to join us, <i lang="fr">en garçon</i>, at the +hotel.”</p> + +<p>“Why,” said Peckover, “that would be +very agreeable; but if that were to be the order +of the day, you two might as well dine with <em>me</em> +<i lang="fr">en garçon</i>, at our house; only you see, Mrs. +Peckover tells me that she shall be back early, +and—”</p> + +<p>“Well,” said the Colonel, “but see, if we +were to dine with <em>you</em>, we might be in the way +of Mrs. Peckover and her <i lang="fr">dames d’honneur</i>, +when they returned, tired, perhaps, with the +excursion; but if <em>you</em> came to us—”</p> + +<p>“Ah!” said the obedient husband, “I don’t +think Mrs. Peckover would like <em>that</em>—no, I +must be at home to receive her; besides, there +are several letters which Mrs. Peckover has desired +me to write—and—no, some other time +Mrs. Peckover will be most happy to receive +you; so let it be as it is. I am very sorry I did +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_263">[Pg 263]</span>not consult her beforehand. I did not know of +her engagement; have you forgiven me, gentlemen?”</p> + +<p>“Oh, in course,” said Jack, “and many +thanks for your offer.”</p> + +<p>“Well,” said the Colonel to Brag, “then we +had better go to our inn, and order our dinner; +we will dine early, if you please.”</p> + +<p>“Whenever you like,” said Jack. “I’m +always agreeable, and no mistake.”</p> + +<p>Jack—upon whose heart or mind, events +which would have been of killing interest to +others, made no deep impression—was so +pleased by the encouragement of Colonel Stiffkey, +that he entirely “forgot his own griefs.” +The melancholy fate of his sister, now and then +flashed across his mind, but since he had ascertained +the nature of her defection, he was less +anxious for a letter from his mother, upon the +subject. His defeat at the widow’s had almost +become a matter of joke with him; his rejection +by Lord Tom was counterbalanced by the +receipt of the money he had recovered from +him, and so upon casting his eye over the +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_264">[Pg 264]</span>balance-sheet, the debtor and creditor sides +seemed pretty equal; and just now the turn lay +rather on the credit side, since he had made +good his footing with his fashionable companion.</p> + +<p>Still, one of those clouds which must almost +constantly hang over the heads of quacks and +pretenders, was rising in the horizon, in the +shape of the arrival of young Gunnersbury. +To quit Eastbourne, where he had strangely +enough secured the society of such a man as +Stiffkey, was most painful. Stiffkey looked +down with an air of placid contempt upon the +few inhabitants of Sea Houses, and yet he +strolled about familiarly with Jack. This was +agreeable in the highest degree to the little +man’s vanity, although really and truly the gay +colonel fell into the association without reflecting +or thinking about it for one moment. He +had met Brag in good society, and in places +where he felt evidently at home; he had heard +Lord Tom speak of him in high terms, as what +is called a “sporting chap,” and, moreover, he +was somebody to talk to. There can be little +doubt if a more aristocratic friend had arrived, +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_265">[Pg 265]</span>Jack would have been cast off; for the colonel +was one of those who, soaring eagle-high above +the Brags of Jack’s school, was known as one +of the most decided tuft-hunters about town.</p> + +<p>The colonel, too, observed with great care +the different grades and degrees of the peerage +in the selection of the invitations which he received; +like Brag, he possessed, only upon the +greater scale, what Foote calls, “the paltry +ambition of levying and following titles; the +poverty of fastening upon men of distinction in +public, for no other reason but because of their +rank, adhering to Sir John till the baronet is +superseded by my lord, quitting the puny peer +for an earl, and sacrificing all three to a duke.”</p> + +<p>It is greatly to be lamented in the present +much-complained-of—how justly I do not pretend +to decide—absence of talent in dramatic +writing, that the rich and abundant humour of +Foote, should, because it is certainly overlaid +by much of that, which, in these days of delicacy +and refinement would not be endured upon +the stage, be altogether lost. Having quoted a +line or two from one of his comedies, illustrative +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_266">[Pg 266]</span>of Colonel Stiffkey’s passion for tufts, I +cannot resist the temptation of extracting that +part of the scene, in the “Lame Lover,” in +which he justifies the young lady’s expressed +opinion of his addiction to titles, and practically +works it out. The passage is curious as +well as humorous—humorous, because the +satire strikes at all ages; and curious, inasmuch +as in twenty lines it familiarises us with customs +and habits characteristic of the time at +which it was written (the year 1770), of which +now no trace or vestige remains.</p> + +<p>Sir Luke, the tuft-hunter, is on the stage, +with Serjeant Circuit and Charlotte, a servant +enters and delivers a card to Sir Luke.</p> + +<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Sir Luke.</span></p> + +<p>(<em>Reads</em>) “Sir Gregory Goose desires the +honour of Sir Luke Limp’s company to dine. +An answer is desired.”—Gad-so! a little unlucky—I +have been engaged for these three +weeks.</p> + +<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Serjeant.</span></p> + +<p>I find Sir Gregory is returned for the corporation +of Fleece’em.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_267">[Pg 267]</span></p> + +<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Sir Luke.</span></p> + +<p>Is he?—Oh, ho!—that alters the case.—George, +give my compliments to Sir Gregory, +and say I’ll certainly come and dine there.—Order +Joe to run to Alderman Inkle’s, in +Threadneedle-street: sorry can’t wait upon +him; but confined to my bed for two days +with the influenza.</p> + +<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span></p> + +<p>You make light, Sir Luke, of this sort of +engagements?</p> + +<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Sir Luke.</span></p> + +<p>What can a man do? These fellows (when +one has the misfortune to meet them) take +scandalous advantage; teazing one with, “Pray +when will you do me the honour, Sir Luke, to +take your mutton with me? Do name the +day.” What’s to be done?—they are as bad as +a beggar, who attacks your coach going up-hill, +there’s no getting rid of either without +a penny to one, and a promise to the other; +not but that upon these occasions there is no +man in England more punctual than—</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_268">[Pg 268]</span></p> + +<p><em>Enter a servant, who gives</em> <span class="smcap">Sir Luke</span> <i>a letter</i>.—From +whom?</p> + +<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Servant.</span></p> + +<p>The Earl of Brentford, Sir Luke. The servant +waits for an answer.</p> + +<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Sir Luke</span>.</p> + +<p>Answer!—By your leave, Mr. Serjeant and +Charlotte. (<em>Reads.</em>) “Taste for music!”—umph!—“Mons. +Dupont—fail—dinner upon +table at five.” Gad-so!—I hope Sir Gregory’s +servant is not gone.</p> + +<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Servant.</span></p> + +<p>Immediately, sir, on receiving the answer.</p> + +<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Sir Luke.</span></p> + +<p>Run after him, as fast as you can. Tell +him—“quite in despair:—recollect an engagement +that can’t in nature be missed:”—and be +back in an instant.</p> + +<blockquote> +<p class="right">[<em>Servant runs out.</em></p> +</blockquote> + +<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span></p> + +<p>You see, sir, the knight must give way to +my lord.</p> + +<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Sir Luke.</span></p> + +<p>No: it isn’t that, my dear Charlotte. You +saw that it was quite an extempore business. +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_269">[Pg 269]</span>No, it isn’t for the title; but, to tell you the +truth, Brentford has more talent than any man +in the world: it is <em>that</em>, which makes me fond +of his house.</p> + +<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span></p> + +<p>By the choice of his company he gives an +unanswerable instance of <em>that</em>.</p> + +<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Sir Luke.</span></p> + +<p>You are right, my dear girl. But now, to +give you a proof of his wit:—Brentford’s finances +are a little out of repair, which procures +him some visits he would very gladly excuse. +One morning a Welsh coachmaker +came to him with his bill; my lord had him +up. “You are called Mr. Lloyd, I think?” +said Brentford. “At your lordship’s service, +my lord.” “What!—Lloyd with an L?” +“With an L, my lord,” said the coachmaker. +“—Because,” said my lord, “I have heard +that in <em>your</em> part of the world, Lloyd and +Floyd are synonymous—the very same names.” +“Always, my lord,” said the coachmaker. +“That,” says my lord, “is rather unlucky: +for, you must know, I am paying off my debts +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_270">[Pg 270]</span>alphabetically; and in four or five years you +<em>might</em> have come in with an F; but I can +give you very slight hopes for your L.”—Ha, +ha, ha!—(<em>Enter a servant abruptly, who runs +against</em> <span class="smcap">Sir Luke</span>.)—Can’t you see where you +are running? you rascal!</p> + +<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Servant.</span></p> + +<p>Sir, his grace the Duke of ——</p> + +<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Sir Luke.</span></p> + +<p>Grace!—where is he?—where?</p> + +<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Servant.</span></p> + +<p>In his coach at the door. If you a’n’t better +engaged, would be glad of your company to go +into the City, and take a dinner at Dolly’s.</p> + +<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Sir Luke.</span></p> + +<p>In his own coach, did you say?</p> + +<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Servant.</span></p> + +<p>Yes, sir.</p> + +<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Sir Luke.</span></p> + +<p>With the coronets—or——?</p> + +<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Servant.</span></p> + +<p>I believe so.</p> + +<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Sir Luke.</span></p> + +<p>There’s no resisting that:—bid John run to +Sir Gregory Goose’s.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_271">[Pg 271]</span></p> + +<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Servant.</span></p> + +<p>He is already gone to Alderman Inkle’s.</p> + +<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Sir Luke.</span></p> + +<p>Then do you step to the knight’s. Hey!—no—you +must go to my lord’s. Hold, hold!—no—I +have it:—step first to Sir Greg’s; +then pop in at Lord Brentford’s, just as the +company are going to dinner.</p> + +<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Servant.</span></p> + +<p>What shall I say to Sir Gregory?</p> + +<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Sir Luke.</span></p> + +<p>Anything!—what I told you before.</p> + +<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Servant.</span></p> + +<p>And what to my lord?</p> + +<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Sir Luke.</span></p> + +<p>What?—why, tell him that my uncle from +Epsom——no,—that won’t do,—for he knows +I don’t care a farthing for <em>him</em>. Hey!—tell +him—hold!—I have it:—tell him, that as I +was getting into my chair, to obey his lordship’s +commands, I was arrested by a couple +of bailiffs, forced into a hackney-coach, and +carried to “The Pied Bull” in the Borough.—I +beg ten thousand pardons for keeping his +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_272">[Pg 272]</span>grace waiting—but his grace knows my misfor——</p> + +<p>And away goes Sir Luke, without taking the +slightest notice of either his learned friend the +serjeant, or the dear girl Charlotte, both of +whom he leaves perfectly satisfied with the +justness of the character the latter had drawn +of her “lame lover.”</p> + +<p>The spirit of this bit, and the peculiarities +of contemporaneous society which it exhibits, +will perhaps excuse the quotation. The duke +inviting the knight to a dinner at Dolly’s; the +knight getting into his chair to go to dine with +the earl, and resting his apology upon an +arrest by bailiffs, and a transfer to “The Pied +Bull” in the Borough, all sound marvellously +strange to modern ears: and yet there are still +those alive who well remember Foote, and who +speak of him as a correct painter of manners, +and whose inherent humour received additional +brilliancy from his unquestioned power of +“holding the mirror up to Nature.”</p> + +<p>Stiffkey, however, was not Limp, and when +he and Jack strolled to the hotel to order their +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_273">[Pg 273]</span>repast, his countenance brightened up considerably +when the waiter handed him a letter, +which had been sent over by somebody coming +from Hailsham, to which place it had been forwarded +by the cross-road coach from Dover, +and which he in a moment recognised as being +from George Gunnersbury. His announcement +to Jack of this happy arrival was not quite so +well received by the little gentleman in the +cords as he imagined it might have been.</p> + +<p>Jack walked about the room while his new +friend was reading the despatch, very much +in doubt what the nature of its contents might +be; and hoping, with all possible fervour and +earnestness, that at all events it might announce +some insurmountable obstacle in the +way of the writer’s visit to Eastbourne.</p> + +<p>“Gad!” said Stiffkey, “George is a capital +fellow; he will be here to-morrow afternoon; he +writes the best letter of any fellow I know: he +is particularly shy to strangers, but when one +knows him thoroughly, his sly humour, that I +spoke of this morning, is capital. He gives a +description of a dinner party they had the other +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_274">[Pg 274]</span>day, which is admirable. He says, ‘My dear +good father, who is certainly the best-disposed +general in his Majesty’s service, contrives to +pick up the oddest tigers imaginable; we had a +day or two ago a German baron, who spoke no +English, and, as nobody in our family, except +my sister Eliza, understands three words of +German, the poor gentleman—or, by courtesy—nobleman, +had a bad time of it; but we had +also a fellow presented to us, under the fostering +protection of a worthy friend of ours, who beat +anything I had ever seen out of a travelling caravan,—an +animal which certainly talked, and +was therefore human, otherwise I should have +taken it for an astounding cross in the breed +between an ape and a horse-jockey: he affronted +half the party, after having disgusted all of it, +and made his escape from a pelting of decanters +and wine-glasses by affecting to save some people +from a stranded brig, near which he never +went, but, instead of venturing ancle-deep into +the water to rescue the sufferers, retired to bed +‘half-seas-over,’ at least, so I have heard; but +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_275">[Pg 275]</span>of these matters we will discourse more anon. I +will be with you by six at the latest.’”</p> + +<p>“Capital fun,” said the Colonel, “isn’t it? +A cross between an ape and a horse-jockey! uncommon +good!”</p> + +<p>“Deuced funny, indeed!” said Jack, whipping +his boots; “that’s a capital fellow,—eh? +straight up, right down, and no mistake. We +<em>shall</em> have fun when <em>he</em> comes.”</p> + +<p>The detestation which Mr. George Gunnersbury’s +personal conduct had engendered in +Jack’s heart in the first instance, had now grown +to its fullest growth; nor was it in the slightest +degree qualified by the accidental omission of his +name, or that of his introducer, (as Jack called +it,) which would certainly have rendered the +rest of the day more disagreeable than it promised +to be in the company of the colonel. +For the next, Jack, “in course,” was prepared,—a +letter from Town would call him away; and +so everything seemed at the moment to turn up +well, out of all the ills that threatened him; +his mother’s answer to his letter from Hythe +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_276">[Pg 276]</span>would, in all probability, come to hand in the +morning, which would give an air of consistency +to his sudden departure, and satisfy his +aristocratic friend of the absolute necessity for +breaking up the agreeable party.</p> + +<p>After having ordered dinner, the colonel and +Jack strolled down on to the sands, wrote words +on the sand with their sticks; sat down on the +shingle; then wandered towards the watch-house; +then came back and talked to the vestals +at the baths,—inquired about laver,—found +it too early in the season to have it +good; then looked at the half-dozen carriages +which were standing in the coach-house of the +hotel; then went to Weston’s, and bought some +gingerbread nuts; then into the Library, and +played with a little ball that went into a hole +at the top of a twisted tube, and came out at +the bottom, and rolled about a little, and at last +settled into a hole of its own; then Stiffkey +looked through a glass, and saw a schooner +pitching disagreeably, and Jack went out and +helped a little fat-faced child who wore a straw +hat and feather, and trousers, and scarlet morocco +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_277">[Pg 277]</span>slippers, on to the back of a donkey; and +then the colonel puffed little pellets out of a +pea-shooter, across the shop, at a doll, which +one of the young ladies of the establishment +immediately removed; and then Jack looked +up at a little bay-window where a prettyish +girl was sitting, who immediately got up and +pulled the blind down; and then they both +betook themselves to throwing stones from the +beach into the sea, during which operation +they had the satisfaction of seeing Mrs. Peckover +and her party draw up to the door of <em>her</em> +house, it then wanting one hour of their time +of dining, and at least two of that, at which +Peckover proposed their dining with <em>him</em>. This +settled that affair, and convinced them, as Mrs. +Peckover intended it should, that into <em>her</em> house +no such persons as Jack should set foot. The +colonel might have been received; but the moment +that Mrs. Peckover, with her lynx eyes, +perceived Jack’s unfortunate white cords and +tops, from her balcony, <em>his</em> fate was decided. She +taxed Peckover with the fact of his being one +of his hunting friends, and P. could not endure +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_278">[Pg 278]</span>the trial;—it was so,—and admitted,—but then, +Mrs. Peckover knew everything intuitively.</p> + +<p>In divers and sundry pursuits, equally interesting +and exciting with those which have just +been described, the two new friends killed +the enemy, until it was time to dress for dinner; +they accordingly repaired to their rooms, +Stiffkey’s servant being in readiness to attend +him, and Jack swearing at the incalculable stupidity +of his man who was not there to dress +<em>him</em>. Jack affected to bear it all with good-nature +and complacency, and it all went very well +till he actually found himself alone, and then it +was that he began to calculate whither he should +next go,—for go he must; the arrival of the +hated Gunnersbury would be the signal for +his extinction and extermination; but thought +Jack, “At all events, I’m safe till the morning; +and then the letter, and all that, will get me +clear off, if it comes; and if it don’t, I must +write one myself.”</p> + +<p>Accordingly Jack proceeded to dress, and +made himself look uncommon nice, with an +olive-green coat, and a Pomona-green waistcoat, +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_279">[Pg 279]</span>and a pair of uncommonly smart black +kerseymere trousers, with stockings and shoes +to match: in short, he felt that he had done it; +and when he made allowance for the absence of +a servant, the approbation of his elegant friend +would no doubt be unqualified: and so down +he went to the dining-room, where, in a few +minutes, he was joined by Stiffkey, who without +any effort had achieved that, which Jack +could never have accomplished with a two-hundred +horse power. He looked like a gentleman.</p> + +<p>The dinner was served, and put down. Stiffkey +proposed some of Toone’s sherry, and one +bottle of champaign between the two;—should +it be <i lang="fr">moussu</i>?—well iced;—certainly—the soup +was—soup;—the fish not entirely blameable, +and whatever other things there were, were all +tolerable,—each in its way. Claret followed +the champaign; and in about half an hour after +they sat down, they were tranquilly sipping +their wine, with a few watering-place pears +and cricket-ball peaches by way of dessert, discoursing +upon topics the most interesting and +agreeable.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_280">[Pg 280]</span></p> + +<p>“If I stayed here,” said the colonel, “I +should get some house or lodging; this hotel +is all very well, but it isn’t quite the thing; +and yet I don’t know about a house for a +single man,—and, probably, I shall go back +with George in two or three days.”</p> + +<p>“There’s certainly a difference,” said Jack, +“between this and the ‘Ship’ at Dover: the +‘Ship’ is, in course, the only house fit to go to +there: for my own part, I think that <em>is</em> the +worst of travelling;—the chances and changes,—and +then to be ‘run to earth’ here without a +slavey. It is the very deuce,—eh!—uncommon +slow, and no mistake.”</p> + +<p>“Help yourself to some claret,” said the colonel, +cracking a biscuit; “yes,—it <em>is</em> a bore to +be sure. I think you live in Grosvenor street, +when you are in town?—at least I have seen +your name on a door there.”</p> + +<p>“Yes,” said Jack; “I’m very little at home;—I’m +what you call, everywhere;—I hate being +still; whenever I can, I run down to a little +place I have out of town, where I shut myself +up whenever I am able.”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_281">[Pg 281]</span></p> + +<p>“Have you much wood about your place?” +said Stiffkey.</p> + +<p>Jack recollected the carpenter’s-shop, and +said, confidently,—“Yes, lots.”</p> + +<p>“Well,” said the colonel, “I declare I thought +you would have married that Mrs. Dallington.”</p> + +<p>“No,” said Jack; “there are many things +more than meet the ear;—there <em>are</em> objections,—so +I made way for those, who couldn’t make +their own.”</p> + +<p>At this moment the waiter entered the room, +and announced that the London coach had just +arrived, and that a lady and gentleman, on the +outside, were inquiring for Mr. Brag.</p> + +<p>“For me!” said Jack, a thousand horrid +ideas rushing into his brain.</p> + +<p>“Yes, sir,” said the waiter, “they are in the +hall.”</p> + +<p>This announcement startled Jack most tremendously:—a +lady enquiring for him—just +arrived. Who could it be?—neither the widow +Dallington nor Miss Blanche Englefield—certainly +not. But might it not be Anne—Nancy? +That she had been most violently agitated at beholding +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_282">[Pg 282]</span>him, was perfectly certain; that the +only account he had received of her feelings or +wishes as to breaking off their acquaintance for +ever, was derived from her husband, who might +have assumed a tone which, after all he was not +justified by facts in adopting. Perhaps she still +loved him,—still resolved to prove her affection: +after struggling for years, her firmness +had yielded, and she had eloped from her new +husband to pass the rest of her life with him.</p> + +<p>The first flash of this thought was delightful: +interest—adventure—escape—pursuit—vanity—notoriety—action +for <abbr title="criminal conversation">crim. con.</abbr>—damages—a duel—“a +bullet in the thorax”—all +whirled through his well-curled head, as he +jumped from his seat at table to shield and +screen the interesting object of his hopes and +wishes from the gaze of Stiffkey, until he was +quite sure of his bird;—when, before he could +reach the door, his eyes were greeted, and his +ears astounded, by the appearance of his exemplary +mother, and a cry of “Jack, my boy, how +are you?” uttered by that respectable matron.</p> + +<p>“My dear ma’am,” said Jack, almost petrified, +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_283">[Pg 283]</span>and extending his arms,—not for an embrace, +but to endeavour to prevent her farther +entrance into the room—“what on earth has +brought you here?”</p> + +<p>“The stage-coach,” said the old lady. +“Come, git out of the way; let us come in +and sit down.”</p> + +<p>Saying which, she pushed by her son, to the +astonishment of Stiffkey, who immediately rose +from his seat.</p> + +<p>“Don’t disturb yourself, sir,” said the lady; +“there’s plenty of room:—only coming outside, +the wind blows up all about one, and I’m +as cold as charity—though Jim made me have +a glass of hot rum and water at the last place +we stopped at.”</p> + +<p>“Very nice beverage, ma’am,” said Stiffkey, +with one of his most graceful bows.</p> + +<p>“My dear ma’am,” said Jack, “wouldn’t you +rather have another room? We have scarcely +finished dinner, and it would be more comfortable +to have a sitting-room to yourself.”</p> + +<p>“They haven’t got another sitting-room disengaged,” +said the lady; “Jim asked them. +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_284">[Pg 284]</span>No matter: what’s good enough for <em>you</em>, Jack, +is good enough for <em>me</em>; so this will do for us +till bed-time.”</p> + +<p>“My dear colonel,” said Jack—</p> + +<p>“My dear sir,” said Stiffkey, “no apologies. +I am too glad to see any friends of yours—if +I don’t intrude.”</p> + +<p>“Intrude!” said the lady—“not a bit: we +have no secrets, sir. To be sure, things have +turned out queerish: however, you have as +much right here as we, and we as you—so we +won’t make no words of that. Why, you dine +late, Jack!”</p> + +<p>“No, on the contrary, rather early,” said +Jack, perfectly at a loss what to do, overcome +by the unexpectedness of the visit, from its +being so particularly ill-timed, and by the +malicious determination which Stiffkey had too +evidently formed of not stirring: indeed, the +announcement of the fact, that there was no +other sitting-room disengaged, would of itself +have justified his remaining in what really was +his own apartment, even if he had not wished +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_285">[Pg 285]</span>to stay out a scene which promised him some +amusement.</p> + +<p>“Jack,” said the lady, “I want you just +to look out and see if Jim is getting in all +the bundles and things.”</p> + +<p>“Who is Jim?” said Jack in an under tone.</p> + +<p>“Jim Salmon,” said the lady.</p> + +<p>“What! is <em>he</em> with you?”</p> + +<p>“Yes,” said his mother, “where else should +he be?”</p> + +<p>At this moment Jem made his appearance, +dressed in a tight light green coat, and a buff-waistcoat, +with striped blue and white cotton +trousers, made tightish to his plump figure, a +coloured check handkerchief round his neck, +and a white hat stuck on one side of his head, +with a bunch of whitish-red curls sticking out +from under it.</p> + +<p>“Ah!” said Jem, “Brag, how d’ye do?”—“didn’t +expect us. I reckoned—skimming down +here—eh? Titsy would come—agreeable surprise—twig?”</p> + +<p>“Very agreeable, indeed!” said Brag, drawing +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_286">[Pg 286]</span>back somewhat indignantly from the familiar +approach of the <i lang="fr">ci-devant</i> shopboy.</p> + +<p>“Have you got all the parcels up to the +bed-room, J. S.?” said the lady.</p> + +<p>“Yes, Titsy,” said Jem.</p> + +<p>“Got the umbrella, J. S.?” said the lady.</p> + +<p>“No, Titsy,” replied Jem, “but I’ll be +after it in no time—twig?”</p> + +<p>Jack’s dismay and mortification had now +risen to a considerable height. What could +have induced his mother to make Jem Salmon +her travelling companion?—what could have +induced her to undertake the journey?—or +what Jem could mean by calling his respectable +parent “Titsy,” were to him questions unsolvable. +One thing, however, appeared necessary: +the old lady had evidently planted herself +for the evening where she was; Stiffkey, +who had scarcely begun his wine, and had no +engagement elsewhere, had quietly deposited +himself in an arm-chair: Jack, therefore, +felt it absolutely essential to introduce the +colonel to their fair visiter, resolving, afterwards, +to check her in her conversation, so as +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_287">[Pg 287]</span>to prevent the developement of all the real circumstances +of the case, and trust to chance and +impudence to wriggle through and out of this +most “untoward affair.”</p> + +<p>“This, Colonel,” said Jack, “is my mother:—Colonel +Stiffkey, madam.”</p> + +<p>Mutual bows ratified the treaty.</p> + +<p>“I say,” said the lady, “put a chair for +Jim. P’raps, he is taking a drop of something.”</p> + +<p>“Mr. Salmon, ma’am,” said Brag—“is he +coming in?”</p> + +<p>“I s’pose so,” said the lady.</p> + +<p>“Oh!” said Brag.</p> + +<p>“Here he is,” said the lady. “All right +now, Jim?”</p> + +<p>“Yes, Titsy,” said Jem.</p> + +<p>Jack’s astonishment at the repetition of this +“familiar word” was too great to admit of +concealment, and accordingly betrayed itself in +his countenance.</p> + +<p>“Ah!” said his mother, “that’s it—isn’t +it, Jim? He doesn’t know all.”</p> + +<p>“No,” said Jem—“don’t twig, Titsy.”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_288">[Pg 288]</span></p> + +<p>“I told you, John, I should surprise you +one of these days,” said his mother:—“J. S. +and I are married!”</p> + +<p>“Married!” exclaimed Jack.</p> + +<p>“Yes,” said Jem, “Titsy is Mrs. Salmon—d’ye +twig?”</p> + +<p>“My dear mother,” said Jack, “are you +serious?”</p> + +<p>“No, Jack,” replied Mrs. James Salmon,—for +such she really was,—“never less serious +in my life since your daddy died. All true:—Jim +and I were married last Friday was a week +at Hornsey church, and passed the honey-day—we +couldn’t stop out longer on account of +the business—at ‘The Sluice House.’”</p> + +<p>“This <em>is</em> really a surprise!” said Stiffkey, +sipping his claret, looking, how—it is impossible +to describe.</p> + +<p>Jack was, as Major Downing says, “catawampously +stumped,” and could say nothing.</p> + +<p>“It oughtn’t to be, sir,” said Mrs. Salmon, +addressing herself to the dandy. “Jack +knowed well enough what a lone life I led. +He never came near me—never, except for +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_289">[Pg 289]</span>what you could get, Jack—did you? He +advised me to marry, sir—and I could tell +you a pretty story about <em>that</em>, if I liked—eh! +Jack?—the pickle-shop. Well, so things +went on, till at last—praise afore people’s +faces sometimes spoils them—I took Jim for +better or worse.”</p> + +<p>“A very prudent resolve, indeed, ma’am,” +said the Colonel, taking a huge pinch of snuff.</p> + +<p>“My dear Colonel,” said Jack, “I am sure +we ought to apologize for troubling you with +our family affairs. I wish—eh!—isn’t there +any other room—are you sure?”</p> + +<p>“A’nt I?” said Jem—“first thing as I axed +about—twig?”</p> + +<p>“Get yourself something warm, Jim,” said the +ancient bride: “I’m sure if the cold once gets +into your poor little stomach, you’ll have no +rest all night. I know what it is myself to be +troubled with cold:—and I tell you what, +Johnny, we shall want a bit of something by +way of supper; for though we had three or +four mutton-chops at Godstone, which were +very nicely done, and fine meat too, and uncommon +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_290">[Pg 290]</span>fat, still that was some time ago—and +I get peckish at night somehow.”</p> + +<p>“Fat!” said Mr. Salmon—“yes, they <em>were</em> +fat—reminded me of the shop, Brag—twig?”</p> + +<p>“I should venture to recommend,” said the +colonel with the most studied politeness, +“something to drink—a glass of claret—or——”</p> + +<p>“Oh, Lor’ no!” said Mrs. Salmon, “no +claret for me, sir: as I used to say to my poor +dear first—Jack’s father—don’t talk to me +of claret: it’s a waste of time as well as of +money to drink them sort of thin stuffs! If +Jack was to have behaved like what he is, he +might have asked me to take some kind of refreshment +before this; for since the rum and +water at—what do they call that last place we +stopped at, Jemes?”—</p> + +<p>“Wholesome, Titsy,” said the bridegroom.</p> + +<p>“Hailsham, mother,—Hailsham,” said Jack, +“is the name of the place.”</p> + +<p>“I haven’t had the least drop as is, in my +mouth, since Godstone,” continued Mrs. Salmon.</p> + +<p>“And there,” said Salmon, “the hale was +uncommon ’eavy.”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_291">[Pg 291]</span></p> + +<p>“What! ma’am,” said Stiffkey, “had you +a storm, coming down?”</p> + +<p>“No, no,” said Jack,—who, although he +could not, as his mother would have said, “exasperate” +the <em>h</em> himself, was nervously alive to +the absurdity of anybody else who laboured +under a similar incapacity—“ale—the ale was +heavy.”</p> + +<p>“Come, Mr. Brag,” said the Colonel, “the +wine is with you.”</p> + +<p>“Yes,” said Jack, “and I’m not the man +to stop it—eh? I like it to go—keep circulating, +as we say, right up, straight down, and +no mistake?”</p> + +<p>“What do they charge, John, for claret +here?” said Mrs. Salmon, addressing her son.</p> + +<p>“Can’t say, I am sure,” said Jack.</p> + +<p>“I say,” said Salmon, leaning over towards +his wife, with his hand up to his mouth to hide +a very audible whisper—“that’s <em>it</em>—they +never pay!—twig? But, I say, Titsy, what +will you have—something hot?”</p> + +<p>“Whatever you like, dear,” <span id="TN2">said the respectable +matron</span>.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_292">[Pg 292]</span></p> + +<p>“I tell you what,” said Salmon, “I’ll just +go out and brew for you myself. I know your +taste—eh?—don’t I? Sugar, rum, nutmeg—eh?—twig?”</p> + +<p>With this most affectionate speech Mr. Salmon +left the room, Jack regularly used up, and +the colonel, who was now convinced that his +particular friend must be the identical creature +described in Gunnersbury’s letter from Dover, +having thrown himself back in his chair, waited +to hear what might happen next.</p> + +<p>“Sad business about Kitty!” said Mrs. +Salmon.</p> + +<p>“Yes, mother,” said Jack, “but don’t you +think we might as well defer any discussion of +that sort till the morning.”</p> + +<p>“Why,” said Mrs. Salmon, “I don’t know; +if the gentleman is <em>your</em> friend, there’s no harm +speaking out before him,—and I can’t stop +here long. I thought I would surprise you; +and I think a bit of a-washing to-morrow in the +sea won’t do me no harm. It’s now two-and-thirty—aye, +let me see, more than that—five-and-thirty +years since I was in a bath of any +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_293">[Pg 293]</span>kind, and I thought if I could manage to see +<em>you</em>, and tell you all about my wedding, and +talk over poor Kitty’s business, and get a bit of +a wash, all under one, it would be doing a great +deal; and as the whole front of the shop has +been new painted, and James has had all those +dangling dips, which you didn’t like, taken +down—I said to him, ‘Jim,’ says I, ‘now +we’ve got this letter from John, what d’ye say +of a bit of a holiday till the stink of the paint +goes off, and then we can tell him all, how, and +about it?’ Don’t you think I was right?”</p> + +<p>“Perfectly, ma’am,” said Jack, “perfectly—only +I don’t quite comprehend what you are +talking about.”</p> + +<p>“I say, sir,” said Mrs. Salmon, appealing to +the Colonel, who was enjoying the scene, and +gathering in, all he could collect, wherewith to +amuse his friend Gunnersbury when he should +arrive—“isn’t that good? John’s father and +I carried on a most excellent business for five-and-twenty +years:—I’ve got the shop-cards +in my pocket now, with the new name introduced +‘Salmon, successor to Brag:’—and +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_294">[Pg 294]</span>yet he doesn’t comprehend what I am talking +about when I tell him about new painting the +shop, and dowsing the danglers, as Jim says.”</p> + +<p>“My dear mother,” said Jack, “hadn’t you +better go to bed? I assure you this travelling—eh?—don’t +you think—it has upset you—?”</p> + +<p>“Upset! no,” said Mrs. Salmon, “I’m not +going to bed at half-past seven o’clock to +please the pope—no, nor the lord-mayor neither: +I’m going to have a nice bit of sum’mut +for supper. Here, John, jump up and open the +door—I hear Jim knocking: he has got the +grog, or whatever it is.”</p> + +<p>Jack, utterly discomfited, did as he was bid.</p> + +<p>“Scaldings!” cried Mr. Salmon, his father-in-law—“scaldings!—here +it is, Titsy, as +hot as hot. Mind your eye, Brag—shut the +door: that’s right—clever lad—eh?—twig?”</p> + +<p>Things had gone so far at this period of the +business, that Jack, seeing it was perfectly impossible +longer to blind the colonel to the real +state of the case, gave himself up in despair, +and felt convinced that the morning must afford +him safety in flight. The coolness of Stiffkey +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_295">[Pg 295]</span>during the whole of the proceedings, the unbounded +civility with which he treated the old +lady, the dignified goodnature with which he +permitted Mr. Salmon to tread over his feet, +and even scatter the “honey-dew” of the hot +mixture, which he had himself prepared and +brought into the room, over his shins, killed +Jack, who knew by experience the mode in +which good-breeding receives the coarsenesses +and vulgarities of the world, and saw that the +whole fabric of his favour with the colonel, in +erecting which he had passed the entire day, +was fast crumbling to atoms.</p> + +<p>“Shall we have some more wine?” said the +colonel to Brag, doing the elegant with as +much unaffected grace as if Jack’s mother had +been a duchess who had married a fool for the +sake of his title.</p> + +<p>“As you like, colonel,” said Jack, “only I +fear—”</p> + +<p>“Fear nothing,” said Stiffkey, “I never +was happier; and if I don’t bore you——”</p> + +<p>“Oh!” said Jack bowing.</p> + +<p>“Not in the least, sir,” said Salmon, “we +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_296">[Pg 296]</span>are too happy to have you stay. I’ve always +heard say that it is one of the great advantages +of these watering-places getting into genteel +company—eh!—twig?”</p> + +<p>Jack could have annihilated the shopboy, although +he <em>was</em> his father-in-law.</p> + +<p>“But, as I was saying, John,” said Mrs. +Salmon, “because, as the gentleman tells us, +we <em>may</em> speak out before <em>him</em>—poor Kitty made +a bad mess of it; she was always a wayward +girl,—she quite run away from George, at last,—so +he writes me,—went and lived with other +people,—just as it happened;—all came from +drinking, John,” here the old lady mended her +draught. “Wasn’t it shocking, sir?”</p> + +<p>“Dreadful ma’am!” said Stiffkey, “very +dreadful.”</p> + +<p>“My dear mother,” said Jack, “don’t trouble +the Colonel.”</p> + +<p>“The trouble is a pleasure,” said Stiffkey; +“some unfortunate creature, who, being in the +habit of drinking, I suppose, ran away from +her husband: a thing that will happen, ma’am, +amongst servants even of the best character.”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_297">[Pg 297]</span></p> + +<p>“Servants, sir?” cried Mrs. Salmon.</p> + +<p>“My dear mother,” said Jack, “never +mind.”</p> + +<p>“But I <em>do</em> mind, John,” said the lady, who +had just arrived at a point of obfuscation, at +which the main points under discussion are +always forgotten, and the minor incidents shine +forth most brilliantly—“why should the gentleman +call <em>my</em> daughter Kitty a servant?—she +never was a servant! she made a foolish match,—ran +away with a serjeant—a reglar common +soger,—and then ran away <em>from</em> him,—all ill +treatment, sir, and the heat of the climate;—and—” +here Mrs. Salmon burst into a flood of +tears; whereupon, Jem, in order to enlighten +the Colonel, and utterly annihilate Jack, gave +him a familiar tap on the shoulder, and said, in +a confidential tone, “bolted,—altogether—quite—entirely,—twig?”</p> + +<p>The Colonel drew back shrinkingly from the +unexpected familiarity, and signified by a distant +bow that he was sufficiently aware of the +circumstances to which the lady had so feelingly +alluded.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_298">[Pg 298]</span></p> + +<p>“However,” said Mrs. Salmon, recovering, +“what’s done can’t be undone; she is now +gone to her long home, and it’s of no use raking +up old grievances: she had a good education, +and made a bad use of it; and what’s +more, she was cheated into marrying him; and +Nance Brown,—she was at the bottom of it, +and yet she has contrived to get up in the +world; and so has George himself,—how, I +don’t pretend to say.”</p> + +<p>“My dear mother,” said Jack, “let us talk +of something else; it cannot be very entertaining +to the colonel to hear all our grievances.”</p> + +<p>“Entertaining!” said Mrs. Salmon, “I’m +sure I don’t mean to entertain anybody. When +I feels, I speaks; and why shouldn’t I, John?—an’t +it natural for a mother to feel?”</p> + +<p>“Don’t take on so, Titsy,” said Salmon. +“There’s some cold boiled leg of mutton and +pickles coming; they are only waiting to get a +bit of potato mashed. I didn’t forget to order +your early supper,—twig?”</p> + +<p>“You are a kind-hearted creetur,” said Mrs. +Salmon to her husband, “and that makes one +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_299">[Pg 299]</span>feel neglect from others the more; however, +we won’t talk about that. J. S. dear, tell John +what alterations we are going to make at home.”</p> + +<p>“To be sure,” said Jem. “I say, Brag, +you know that big copper on the left-hand of +the melting-house? I mean to have that put +farther back, and git a door made into the +lane, behind the cart-house, so as we can bring +the fat in all reg’lar, without coming through +the front-shop,—twig?”</p> + +<p>“Yes, yes,” said Jack, “a very good arrangement—and +no mistake.”</p> + +<p>“Then, I mean to clap a sky-light on the top +of the back-parlour,” continued Mr. Salmon, +“which will make it uncommon lively to what +it was. Why, in the old gentleman’s time, +when I was a bit of a boy, it used to be as +dark and as dismal as the Plenipotentiary on +Milbank,—twig?”</p> + +<p>“And round it, John,” said Mrs. Salmon, “I +mean to have ever so many flower-pots with +gerenums, and fooshies, and you can’t think +how nice they will look in the summer if the +cats don’t knock ’em down in the night.”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_300">[Pg 300]</span></p> + +<p>“Here’s the mutton, Titsy,” said Jem.</p> + +<p>And sure enough, in came the waiter, accompanied +by a female assistant with a tray, on +which the promised leg appeared, with pickles +and other condiments,—a dish of mashed potatoes, +and a plate of chopped onions. The maid +spread out a second table, and speedily dressed +it in a snowy cloth: the waiter handed and +arranged the viands; and while doing so, announced +that some hot chops were on their way.</p> + +<p>“Waiter, why don’t you bring us another +bottle of claret?” said Stiffkey, to Jack’s most +perfect and entire mortification; who, with all +his vanity and self-love, could not shut his eyes +to the certainty that his elegant friend Stiffkey +was merely prolonging his stay, in order to be +amused at his expense; and equally well aware +that his mother and the creature whom he was +told was his father-in-law, would, in the course +of the evening, afford him as much entertainment +as he could reasonably expect.</p> + +<p>“Now, Titsy,” said Mr. Salmon, “let me +put you a chair by the table,—ready ag’in the +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_301">[Pg 301]</span>chops come. I suppose it’s a compliment to +ask you to join us?” added the engaging Jem, +himself to Colonel Stiffkey and addressing +Jack.</p> + +<p>“We have just dined,” said Colonel Stiffkey, +with the most imperturbable gravity.</p> + +<p>The old bride and young bridegroom having +drawn close to the board, Jack considered he +might contrive to manage a few minutes’ explanatory +conversation with the colonel, and therefore +drew his chair nearer to him, as if with +a view of facilitating, what an Irish gentleman +would call,—the circulation of the bottle between +the two.</p> + +<p>“To be sure,” whispered Jack, whose whole +character for smartness and sprightliness, and +that sort of slang conversation in which he ordinarily +indulged, had been completely destroyed +by the appearance of visitors, not only unexpected +<em>then</em>, but never to be expected in their +present relative position—“To be sure, Colonel, +there <em>are</em> odd things in the world. Who, +when we sat down here, would have expected +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_302">[Pg 302]</span>this curious coincidence. By Job! what folly,—eh? +a woman at her time of life to throw +herself away upon a fellow of that sort!”</p> + +<p>“Very odd,” said Stiffkey, in an equally +low tone of voice; “but, at that time of life, +these turns will happen. Of what profession is +the young man?”</p> + +<p>“A candle-maker,” said Jack, whispering +directly in the colonel’s ear; having hoisted up +one of his little fat hands, trumpet-wise, to prevent +the affectionate chop-eaters from hearing +the avowal, and hoping, even at this straw-catching +minute, to devolve the whole of the +responsibility of so disgraceful a business upon +his respectable mother, leaving it to be inferred +that she had been love-led into a connexion +much beneath herself.</p> + +<p>“Oh!” said Stiffkey.</p> + +<blockquote> +<p class="no-indent"> + “Love levels ranks: lords down to cellars bears,<br> + And bids the candle-maker walk up stairs.” +</p> +</blockquote> + +<p>“Very true,” said Jack, “all right,—and no +mistake.”</p> + +<p>“I say, John,” said Mr. Salmon, who fortunately +had not heard this little colloquy, “just +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_303">[Pg 303]</span>come here: did you ever see closer fat than this +cold mutton? I should like to have twenty or +thirty ton of it down, ready for melting. I +could sport a dash of hog in him, and no fear of +spluttering.”</p> + +<p>“It’s curious to see,” said Jack, in an under +tone to the colonel, “how, when a man sets +himself to trade, he turns everything to shop.”</p> + +<p>“Very,” said Stiffkey.</p> + +<p>And so it is; but it was much more curious +to observe the total alteration produced +in Jack’s manner and language by the unexpected +visitation of his parent, and her hopeful +help-mate. It seemed as if he was altogether +unstarched; his hair seemed to uncurl +itself, and upon his pale cheek, and contracted +brow, evidently lay the whole weight of his +mortification and dismay.</p> + +<p>“Titsy,” said Salmon, “don’t you malt?”</p> + +<p>“No, my dear J. S.” replied the lady. “I’m +all for something more in the warm line.”</p> + +<p>“That’s right;” said Salmon. “Rum and +water, hot, I consider,—eh?—twig?”</p> + +<p>“Exactly so,” replied Mrs. Salmon. “I +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_304">[Pg 304]</span>can’t think how you two,” turning herself +round, and addressing the gentlemen at the +other table, “can go on drinking that wishy-washy +stuff,—paying, too, so much as you do +for it. As I said before, I consider it a dead +waste of time,—there’s no goodness, no nourishment +in it:—they call riding in a hack cab, taking +danger at eight-pence a mile;—but I call +claret-drinking getting the stomach-ache at ten +shillings a bottle.”</p> + +<p>“Little and good is Titsy’s motto,” said +Jem.</p> + +<p>“Yes, J. S. dear,” said the matron, smiling; +“that’s the reason I took <em>you</em>.”</p> + +<p>“Well said, Titsy,” said Salmon, “she +shan’t be a bad un after all.”</p> + +<p>That Mr. John Brag was not blessed by nature +with any superabundant proportion of +feeling, we have had several opportunities of +ascertaining; but it is only fair to say, that +during this, in every point of view humiliating +scene to the pretender, his uneasiness—misery +it might almost be called—upon his own +personal account, was not equal to that which +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_305">[Pg 305]</span>he felt on account of his mother. That she had +made herself, at her time of life, a fool, by marrying +her shop-man, or shop-boy rather, was +bad enough; but such things—or things as +extraordinary and silly—happen, <em>matrimonially</em>, +every day; and besides, he palliated her absurdity +in this affair by the reflection that he himself +had first advised her to marry somebody, +in order to rescue his name from the trammels +of trade, and that he had probably accelerated +the consummation of her discredit by his +facetious pranks upon Waterloo Bridge, when +he himself contrived to expose her infirmities for +the amusement of his fashionable friends; but, +what <em>did</em> nevertheless pain even <em>him</em>, was the +sight of his parent—of the being who had given +him birth—associated with such a creature as +Jem Salmon, and by him and his endearing +diminutives and nick-names rendered an object +of universal ridicule. To hear this wretched +animal calling a woman three times his age and +four times his size, Titsy, was really and truly +tormenting, separated from any prospective +feeling of certainty that the degradation of +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_306">[Pg 306]</span>his once respectable relative would form the +subject of Stiffkey’s most animated description +of the humours of Eastbourne, to be hereafter +given to his expected visitor and surrounding +friends.</p> + +<p>“I say, John,” said Mrs. Salmon, warming +with her refreshment, “John, when you were +at home last, you did not think I should get +the start of you, however much you advised +it. I haven’t heard of your marrying a Lady +Sally, or a Lady Susan, with forty or fifty +thousand pounds tacked to the title;—I’ve +heard of your doings though, in other places.”</p> + +<p>“Probably,” said Jack, “one can’t help being +talked about.”</p> + +<p>“I mean with Mrs. ——, what’s the +name? J. S.” said Mrs. Salmon;—“up there, +by ——.”</p> + +<p>“Dallington, d’ye mean,” said Jem.</p> + +<p>“Yes, that’s it,” said the matron; “we +heard that story last week—not half a day +after it happened.”</p> + +<p>“What is that?” said Stiffkey, <i lang="la">sotto voce</i> +to Brag.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_307">[Pg 307]</span></p> + +<p>“I’m sure I don’t know what my mother +means,” said Jack; nor did he, nor could he +comprehend how she came to know the name of +the lady.</p> + +<p>“Don’t you, Johnny? I do,” said his mother; +“so does J. S., don’t <em>you</em>? Now, I think +I owe you a turn, for playing me off on the +bridge, so I’ll have a laugh at your expense—all +in fun, now it’s over.”</p> + +<p>“My dear mother,” said Jack, “pray don’t +talk about that affair.”</p> + +<p>“No, not a syllable,” said Mrs. Salmon; +“only we know all about your making love to +the two sisters at once—don’t we, Jemes?”</p> + +<p>“I believe we do too, Titsy,” said Salmon; +“two at a time, that’s all, John—eh—twig?”</p> + +<p>“What, ma’am?” said Stiffkey, who found +he had completely succeeded in making Mrs. +Salmon consider him “quite the gentleman;” +“did our friend try his ambidextrous fortune +with both ladies?”</p> + +<p>“I don’t know,” said Mrs. Salmon, “about +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_308">[Pg 308]</span>whose fortune he tried; all I know he got +none—between two stools, Johnny—”</p> + +<p>—“I know, my dear mother,” said Jack, +“the proverb is by no means new.”</p> + +<p>“No,” said the lady, “nor the moral of it +neither; the way we come to know of it +was through the lady’s housekeeper; they +deal with us for coarse stock, stores and rushlights.”</p> + +<p>“And ile, Titsy,” said Salmon.</p> + +<p>“Yes,” said the lady; “and so Jemes, you +see, went round collecting, and so—but you +tell the story, J. S., dear.”</p> + +<p>“Oh, don’t trouble yourself, sir,” said +Jack.</p> + +<p>“Pray go on, Mr. Salmon,” said Stiffkey.</p> + +<p>“Why, I tell you how it was,” said Salmon; +“I was a just stepping round and collecting, as +Titsy says,—for we had an unmerciful heavy +bill to pay our broker, and I happens to call +at Mrs. Dallington’s—so—the family was just +gone out o’ town—lets see—when was it, Titsy?—one +day late in last week—and so I sees the +housekeeper—Mrs. Cropper—I know’d her in +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_309">[Pg 309]</span>her last place—so I tells her about our little +account, and she says, says she, looking at the +bill, ‘I wonder, now, if your master’s any relation +to the little man which my missus sent +away a night or two ago, with a flea in his ear.’”</p> + +<p>“I must beg,” said Jack,—“I—shall leave +the room if this goes on any farther—I don’t +want to know the secret history of people of +my acquaintance, squeezed out of servants—I +don’t want to know about any little man.”</p> + +<p>“No, love, <em>do</em> hear,” said Mrs. Salmon; “it +only shows how things gits round.”</p> + +<p>“So, I says, says I,” continued Salmon, “I +can’t judge unless you tell me what sort of a +little man he is.—‘Why,’ she says, says she, +‘his name’s Brag—he’s a smartish kind of a +chap, with a curly head; and as full of the gab +as an egg’s full of meat.’—‘A sporting chap?’ +says I.—‘Always a hunting,’ says she.—So +then I just rubs up my hair, and puts up my +collar, and gives her a bit of a take-off of you, +jist after your manner, ‘smack, smooth, right +up, straight down, and no mistake.’ Whereupon +Mrs. Cropper—she’s an uncommon +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_310">[Pg 310]</span>good-natured old thing—she claps her two +hands together and says, says she, ‘By gosh +that’s he—that’s the chap as wanted somehow +to marry my mistress and her sister too, and +got kicked out according<em>ly</em>,’—twig?”</p> + +<p>“Mr. Salmon,” said Brag, trembling with +rage, or something else, and looking as white +as a sheet, “the unfortunate connexion which +my mother has formed with you, keeps me quiet—if—it +was not for that——”</p> + +<p>“Don’t agitate yourself,” said Stiffkey, with +the most perfect <i lang="fr">sang froid</i>. “Mr. Salmon +means no harm, I’m sure.”</p> + +<p>“Harm, not he,” said Mrs. Salmon, “he’s +only lively, and wants a bit of fun.”</p> + +<p>“Fun! the devil, ma’am!” said Jack: “I +shall say nothing; but as for staying in +this room a minute longer, I will not; nor, +ma’am, will I ever set foot in any place in +which that person is to be found. I never +was consulted in <em>your</em> match—and sure you +might run your own race without coming +crossing and jostling me on <em>my</em> course. Colonel,” +added Jack, “I am quite sure this business +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_311">[Pg 311]</span>must be as disagreeable to you as it is +disgusting to me—perhaps you will follow my +example. I shall be glad, ma’am, to say a few +words to <em>you</em> in the morning—and I wish <em>you</em> +a good evening.”</p> + +<p>“I am extremely sorry, Mr. Brag,” said +the Colonel, “that you are annoyed. It only +seems a little playfulness,—it <em>must</em> be all a +joke.”</p> + +<p>“No joke at all, sir,” said Mrs. Salmon; +“it’s all true, only what I say to Jack is, +them as throws stones shouldn’t live in glass +houses.”</p> + +<p>“Well, I’m sure, Titsy,” said Jem. “I’d +no notion of this blow up when we came in—I +meant to be all pleasant and agreeable.”</p> + +<p>“Come, Colonel,” said Jack.</p> + +<p>“Good evening, ma’am,” said the Colonel. +“I suppose I <em>must</em> go, but I assure you I am +particularly sorry to leave such agreeable society.”</p> + +<p>“Where’s Jack?” said Mrs. Salmon.</p> + +<p>“Gone out, Titsy,” said Jem.</p> + +<p>“Like one of his own rushlights, ma’am,” +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_312">[Pg 312]</span>said the Colonel, who immediately followed +him, putting his finger to his nose, archly, +as he quitted the room.</p> + +<p>“Bravo, Colonel,” said Salmon;—“that’s a +prime chap, anyhow—eh? Who’d have thought +of John’s bristling up in that kind of hedge-hog +fashion. I’m sure I only wanted to give the +Colonel a little touch of <em>my</em> way of taking off.”</p> + +<p>“Yes, my dear J. S.,” said the matron, “and +the Colonel seems to have returned the compliment. +I’m sorry you offended Jack, for I +wanted you to be friends.”</p> + +<p>“Then, Titsy, why did you set me on,” +said Jem;—“you know’d when once my spirit’s +up, I can’t stop it.”</p> + +<p>“Why, somehow,” said Mrs. Salmon, “the +rum and water was strong.”</p> + +<p>“’Twas stiffish—twig?” said Salmon.</p> + +<p>“However,” continued the lady, “a fine +morning is a good peace-maker, and I dare +say we shall all be friends again for the short +time we have to stay; besides, to tell <em>you</em> +the truth, I never quite believed that Mrs. +Cropper’s story.”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_313">[Pg 313]</span></p> + +<p>“I’d trust her with my life,” said James, +“as steady a going cretur, full of fun as she +is, as ever trod shoe leather,—takes a tip +of two pounds per annum, and is quite satisfied; +can’t get off with Mr. Evans, the butler, +for twice that. No, no, Titsy, as Jack +says, leave me alone to deal with the fair sex.”</p> + +<p>“Oh you divil!” said Mrs. Salmon, “ring +the bell, J. S., and let us retire for the night; +early as it is, I’m tired, and a little vexed into +the bargain.”</p> + +<p>“Don’t worry yourself, Titsy,” said James. +“I dare say it will be all right to-morrow—eh? +smack, smooth, and no mistake,—twig?”</p> + +<p>“Now, J. S.,” said Mrs. Salmon, “don’t go on +doing <em>that</em>, that’s a dear—there’s nothing folks is +so sore about, as being taken off in that way—don’t +do it.—Johnny lives in good company, as +you see; it is true he has got a particular way +of talking, and all that you said about what he +had done, and all about the ladies, and Cropper +and all, never stirred him no more than you +could stir a fire without a poker; till you come +to mimic him—that it was set his blood up. I +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_314">[Pg 314]</span>saw his little eyes winking, winking, and his +face get as white as a sheet, and I’m sure I +never meant to put him in a passion—only—no—it +was that——”</p> + +<p>“Are you cross, Titsy?” said Jem.</p> + +<p>“Not a bit cross,” said Mrs. Salmon, “only +he’s as touchy as touch-wood—so don’t go +and aggravate him to-morrow.”</p> + +<p>“I promise and wow, Titsy,” said Salmon, +“I will <em>that</em> do—only you see, being as I consider +now, his superior, what the sogers call +commanding officer, I think he might have treated +me with a little more respect.”</p> + +<p>“Never mind <em>that</em>,” said the lady, “ring the +bell, and let’s bundle. I’m dead tired—the +wind blew so fresh—and I can tell you the +top of a coach is not as soft to sit on, as the +cushion of my arm-chair, I’m all shaken to +pieces.”</p> + +<p>J. S. did as he was bid, and the chamber-maid +speedily appeared to attend the matronly +bride to her chamber, J. S. remaining +below as he thought it proper to do, until he +was summoned to his roost. This dull interval +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_315">[Pg 315]</span>he occupied by imbibing a refreshing glass of +some favourite mixture, and in reflecting upon +the unexpected sort of reception he had met +with from his son-in-law. However, he had +scarcely finished his “tipple,” as he called it, +when he was summoned by the attendant sylph, +the respected Mrs. Salmon not occupying any +very considerable period of time in making her +preparations for what she called “tumbling in.”—Jem +drained his goblet, and ascended the +stairs, and “maid-directed,” found the door of +the room which contained his treasure.</p> + +<p>By a preconcerted arrangement the waiter +had been engaged to go, or send over, to the +library, whither <i lang="fr">faute de mieux</i>, the colonel +and Jack had retreated from the unbearable +fire of Mr. Salmon’s extraordinary liveliness, +to let them know when the happy pair were +gone to bed, inasmuch as they might return +to their temporary domicile, and enjoy a few +tranquil moments before <em>they</em> retired to rest. +The moment, therefore, that the Salmonean +savages had “quitted the ground,” a message +was conveyed to the dandy and his friend, +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_316">[Pg 316]</span>informing them that the coast was clear; and +this message arrived at the library precisely at +the moment when Jack had declined playing +any longer billiards, because he knew nothing of +the game, and because he preferred <i lang="fr">ecarté</i>.</p> + +<p>The word <i lang="fr">ecarté</i> sounded mellifluously to +the colonel’s ear—<em>he</em> could play the game a +little; should they go back to the hotel and +try a hand or two—first directing his servant +to open the windows and “freshen” the room—order +broiled bones at twelve, and not play +later than two—positively?</p> + +<p>Brag, the moment he heard this proposition +from the colonel, was convinced that all was +right, and “no mistake;” the absurdities of his +poor mother, and the grossnesses of his youthful +father-in-law had evidently made no impression. +The colonel saw the gentleman in <em>him</em>, and +the very suggestion of broiled bones, ventilated +rooms, and <i lang="fr">ecarté</i> till two, settled the affair. It +was all arranged, and Stiff key’s man was to teach +the willing hostess of the hotel how to concoct +a particular sort of punch, which Sir Stumpey +Dubs, a wealthy friend of his master, had invented,—of +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_317">[Pg 317]</span>which composition, averse as the +colonel was from strong drink, the weakest ingredient +was Jamaica rum, the whole compound +forming a sort of beverage which reminded you, +in the morning, that you had swallowed it the +night before, by a sensation very much like +that which would have been occasioned by +the dislocation of every limb belonging to +your body.</p> + +<p>Colonel Stiffkey was the most perfect “gentleman”—not +to use the term as Brag would +use it, but in its purest and most unquestioned +shape. He was not brilliant as a wit, but he +played his part as well as his associates in +the every-day give-and-take conversation of +the best society. The immovable quietude +and imperturbable civility which he displayed +before the bride and bridegroom, were +part of his system. Nobody who did not know +his heart of hearts could find out whether he +was delighted or distressed by that, which +was passing before him. His mind, with regard +to Brag, had been for some hours made +up; and in all probability the next morning +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_318">[Pg 318]</span>would be the last on which he even would endeavour +to recollect his name: but before that +morning came, there intervened an evening,—that +evening was to be passed, somehow. Mr. +Brag preferred <i lang="fr">ecarté</i>; we have seen the preparatory +arrangements in consequence of that +preference.</p> + +<p>Stiffkey and Brag walked back from the +library to their sitting-room, whence had been +removed, besides the nuisances, which had removed +themselves, all the “provender,” upon +which they had battened. A card-table had +been placed by the colonel’s man, and a small +table by the side of it, on which stood two +well-sized glasses, out of which they were to +imbibe a certain quantity of the West-Indian +mumbo-jum, punctiliously prepared according +to the recipe of Sir Stumpy.</p> + +<p>The room had resumed its former pleasing +aspect. Jack found no difference in the manner +of his friend, who, in the kindest manner, +kept periodically praising England as the only +nation perhaps in the world which furnished +the brightest ornaments to society from trades +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_319">[Pg 319]</span>and professions—throwing in an agreeable observation +now and then, that if such were the +facility in other countries, the intellects of the +people would prevent their availing themselves +of it; and, in short, that what the French sage +had said of our population in comparing it with +our porter, that the top was all froth, the +bottom all dregs, and the middle the “stout +and efficient,” was most true. This encouragement, +wonderfully aided by the arrival of Stiffkey’s +servant with a closely covered jug of the +invaluable compound, raised Jack’s spirits so +high, that for the moment he threw overboard +all the previous occurrences of the evening, +and felt satisfied in his own mind that the fact +of his mother’s having married injudiciously, +could and would have no possible effect upon +his future fashionable career.</p> + +<p>“Now then,” said the Colonel, “taste <em>that</em>: +if you don’t like it, I’m mistaken.”</p> + +<p>Jack filled a glass and sipped. “Like it!—Gad! +who wouldn’t—eh?—goes down like +milk, and no mistake.”</p> + +<p>The resumption of his pet phrases, the renewed +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_320">[Pg 320]</span>twiggle of his hair, and the revived pull +up of his collars, proclaimed “<i lang="la">Johannes redivivus</i>.”</p> + +<p>“Well,” said the Colonel, with a tone of perfect +indifference, “shall we have a touch at +<i lang="fr">ecarté</i>? The broiled bones will come at twelve.”</p> + +<p>“All right, and no mistake,” said Jack.</p> + +<p>“What shall we play?” said the Colonel, +listlessly shuffling one of the two packs of cards +which his servant had put down—“don’t let +it be high—five pound points, and ten pound +consequences?”</p> + +<p>“Anything you like,” said Jack. “I lost +twenty pounds to that man at billiards. How +he pulled up in his play after the bet!”</p> + +<p>“Did he?” said the Colonel—“I didn’t observe. +Do try some more of that excellent stuff. +We will go to-morrow, if you stay here, to an +old friend of mine who lives about five miles +from this, and I’ll show you how <em>he</em> drinks it: +he’ll be delighted to see you.”</p> + +<p>This put Jack upon the top of a pinnacle. +Colonel Stiffkey, after all he had seen and +heard, proposed the very next day to take him +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_321">[Pg 321]</span>to visit an old friend at his place five miles off! +Poor Jack! Colonel Stiffkey had no such +friend; neither if he had, would he have taken +Jack with him: furthermore, he knew, <em>that</em> +which Jack at the moment had himself quite +forgotten, that he could not stay out the following +day where his mother was: but Stiffkey +wanted Jack to play <i lang="fr">ecarté</i> at his ease—and so +he did, knowing no more of the game than a +child of ten years old.</p> + +<p>The results of the sitting were—broiled +bones at half past twelve, more of Sir Stumpy +Dubs’s mixture at half past one, and a retreat +at half past two o’clock in the morning, at +which time Mr. John Brag handed over to +Colonel Stiffkey two hundred and fifty pounds +of the cash he had received from Lord Tom +Towzle two days before; and an I. O. U. for +three hundred and forty more, which the gallant +colonel, in consideration of the ready money +already received, very readily accepted in part +payment of a balance of five hundred and +ninety pounds, which, under the influence of +Sir Stumpy Dubs’s mixture, the curly-headed +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_322">[Pg 322]</span>adept at <i lang="fr">ecarté</i> had lost to his aristocratic +associate.</p> + +<p>The friends separated and retired to rest, +the colonel’s servant kindly assisting Mr. Brag +to his room,—the colonel, who required no +assistance, going to his room by himself.</p> + +<p>It was not, however, until both these worthies—either +of them curiously instructive in +his way,—had betaken themselves to their respective +beds—that the innate truth of their +characters was made manifest. Jack, broken +down by the most extraordinary combination of +circumstances,—abused, degraded, and exposed +by the man whom his mother had by way of +an agreeable surprise, brought down to see +and present to him, in the hope of conciliating +everything, lay desponding, as deeply as he +could in his peculiar state, as to the mischief his +unhappy parent might have done him by her appearance +there; consoling himself, on the other +hand, in his blessed ignorance of human nature, +with the belief that the colonel was so +entirely his friend, that not only what had +occurred had made no change in his sentiments, +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_323">[Pg 323]</span>but that not a syllable of the events of +the preceding evening would transpire; and +absolutely revelling in the idea that the loss of +his five hundred and ninety pounds would +not only ensure this much-desired secrecy, but +cement a long and lasting friendship between +them.</p> + +<p>The colonel, who, like a skilful practitioner, +had carefully abstained from swallowing the +draughts which he had prescribed, laid his cool +unthrobbing head upon his pillow, perfectly +satisfied with having so well executed his +ingenuity in the up-turning of kings, and +other curious arrangements of the cards; consoling +himself with the justice of outwitting +so complete a charlatan as his temporary +companion of the tallow tribe; and concluding +if he never received one farthing’s worth +of value for the I. O. U., the worth of which +he considered somewhat equivocal, that he had +adequately paid himself for the smell of onions +and hot rum and water, and the still more oppressive +conversation of his friend’s intimate +connexions immediately after dinner, by the +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_324">[Pg 324]</span>first receipt of the two hundred and fifty +pounds cash in Bank notes.</p> + +<p>Such were the thoughts and reflections of +Mr. John Brag and his aristocratic friend as +they dropped off to their slumber on this memorable +night. What visions might have occupied +the minds of Mrs. Salmon and her dear +J. S. it is not our province even to surmise: +they are asleep, and lest the reader should fall +into a similar state of quiescence, the chapter +ends.</p> + + +<p class="center spaced space-above small">END OF THE SECOND VOLUME.</p> + + +<p class="center spaced space-above small"> + LONDON:<br> + PRINTED BY SAMUEL BENTLEY,<br> + Dorset Street, Fleet Street. +</p> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> +<div class="transnote"> + <h2 class="nobreak" id="Transcribers_Notes"> + Transcriber’s Notes + </h2> +</div> + +<ol> + <li>Page 33, line 4: miuutes —> minutes (<a href="#TN1">two or three minutes</a>).</li> + <li>Page 291, last line: repectable —> respectable (<a href="#TN2">said the respectable +matron</a>). </li> + <li>In text file: Italic text represented with surrounding underscores.</li> + <li>In text file: Small caps represented with ALLCAPS.</li> +</ol> +<div style='text-align:center'>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 78709 ***</div> +</body> +</html> diff --git a/78709-h/images/cover.jpg b/78709-h/images/cover.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..a03df09 --- /dev/null +++ b/78709-h/images/cover.jpg diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6c72794 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This book, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. 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