diff options
Diffstat (limited to '78615-h/78615-h.htm')
| -rw-r--r-- | 78615-h/78615-h.htm | 12378 |
1 files changed, 12378 insertions, 0 deletions
diff --git a/78615-h/78615-h.htm b/78615-h/78615-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..590b0d3 --- /dev/null +++ b/78615-h/78615-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,12378 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html> +<html lang="en"> +<head> + <meta charset="UTF-8"> + <meta name="viewport" content="width=device-width, initial-scale=1"> + <meta name="format-detection" content="telephone=no,date=no,address=no,email=no,url=no"> + <title> + The tide | Project Gutenberg + </title> + <link rel="icon" href="images/cover.jpg" type="image/x-cover"> + <style> + +body { + margin-left: 10%; + margin-right: 10%; +} + +h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 { + text-align: center; /* all headings centered */ + clear: both; +} + +p { + margin-top: .5em; + text-align: justify; + margin-bottom: .5em; +} + +.p2 {margin-top: 2em;} +.p4 {margin-top: 4em;} +.p6 {margin-top: 6em;} + +hr { + width: 33%; + margin-top: 2em; + margin-bottom: 2em; + margin-left: 33.5%; + margin-right: 33.5%; + clear: both; +} + +hr.tb {width: 45%; margin-left: 27.5%; margin-right: 27.5%;} +hr.chap {width: 65%; margin-left: 17.5%; margin-right: 17.5%;} +@media print { hr.chap {display: none; visibility: hidden;} } +div.chapter {page-break-before: always;} +h2.nobreak {page-break-before: avoid;} + +table { + margin-left: auto; + margin-right: auto; +} +table.autotable { border-collapse: collapse; } +table.autotable td, +table.autotable th { padding: 0.25em; } + +.tdl {text-align: left;} +.tdr {text-align: right;} +.tdc {text-align: center;} + +.pagenum { /* uncomment the next line for invisible page numbers */ + /* visibility: hidden; */ + position: absolute; + left: 92%; + font-size: small; + text-align: right; + font-style: normal; + font-weight: normal; + font-variant: normal; + text-indent: 0; +} /* page numbers */ + +blockquote { + margin-top: 0; + margin-bottom: 0; + margin-left: 5%; + margin-right: 10%; +} + +.center {text-align: center; text-indent: 0;} + +.right {text-align: right;} + +.smcap {font-variant: small-caps;} + +figcaption {font-weight: bold;} +figcaption p {margin-top: 0; margin-bottom: .2em; text-align: inherit;} + +/* Images */ + +img { + max-width: 100%; + height: auto; +} +img.w100 {width: 100%;} + + +.figcenter { + margin: auto; + text-align: center; + page-break-inside: avoid; + max-width: 100%; +} + +/* Transcriber's notes */ +.transnote {background-color: #E6E6FA; + color: black; + font-size:small; + padding:0.5em; + margin-bottom:5em; + font-family:sans-serif, serif; +} + +.ph1 { + text-align: center; + font-size: xx-large; + font-weight: bold; +} +.ph2 { + text-align: center; + font-size: x-large; + font-weight: bold; +} +.transnote { + margin-left:17.5%; + margin-right:17.5%; +} + +/* Conventional dropcaps */ +p.dropcap { + text-indent: 0em; +} +p.dropcap:first-letter { + float: left; + margin: 0.1em 0.1em 0em 0em; + font-size: 250%; + line-height: 0.85em; +} +.x-ebookmaker p.dropcap:first-letter { + float: none; + margin: 0; + font-size: 100%; +} + +.upper-case +{ + text-transform: uppercase; +} + +.x-ebookmaker .ep2 {margin-top: 2em;} +.x-ebookmaker .ep4 {margin-top: 4em;} +.x-ebookmaker .ep6 {margin-top: 6em;} + +li { margin-top: 0.25em; margin-bottom:0; line-height: 1.2em; } + +/* Illustration classes */ +.illowp20 {width: 20%;} +.illowp100 {width: 100%;} + +.frame-wrapper { + width: 100%; + max-width: 800px; + margin: 0 auto; + display: block; +} + +#title-page { + position: relative; +} + +#title-page .border-image { + width: 75%; + margin: 0 auto; + height: auto; + display: block; +} + +#title-page .content { + position: absolute; + top: 17%; + left: 8%; + right: 8%; + bottom: 2%; + padding: 20px; + overflow: hidden; +} + +@media (max-width: 800px) { + #title-page .border-image { display: none; } + #title-page .content { position: static; padding: 0; } +} + +.x-ebookmaker #title-page .content { position: static; padding: 0; } + + </style> +</head> + +<body> +<div style='text-align:center'>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 78615 ***</div> + + + + +<figure class="figcenter illowp100" id="i_cover" style="max-width: 24em;"> + <img class="w100" src="images/i_cover.jpg" alt=""> +</figure> + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> +<div class="chapter"> +<h1 class="right"> +THE TIDE +</h1> +</div> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> +<div class="chapter"> + <p class="ph2" id="RECENT_BORZOI_NOVELS" style="letter-spacing: 0.05em;"> + RECENT BORZOI NOVELS + </p> +</div> + + +<div style="letter-spacing: 0.05em;"> +<p class="center">THREE PILGRIMS AND A TINKER<br> +<span style="font-size: small;">MARY BORDEN</span></p> + +<p class="center">THE TATTOOED COUNTESS<br> +<span style="font-size: small;">CARL VAN VECHTEN</span></p> + +<p class="center">THE ETERNAL HUNTRESS<br> +<span style="font-size: small;">RAYNER SEELIG</span></p> + +<p class="center">THE FIRE IN THE FLINT<br> +<span style="font-size: small;">WALTER F. WHITE</span></p> + +<p class="center">THE LORD OF THE SEA<br> +<span style="font-size: small;">M. P. SHIEL</span></p> + +<p class="center">BALISAND<br> +<span style="font-size: small;">JOSEPH HERGESHEIMER</span></p> + +<p class="center">SOUND AND FURY<br> +<span style="font-size: small;">JAMES HENLE</span></p> + +<p class="center">TREASURE TRAIL<br> +<span style="font-size: small;">ROLAND PERTWEE</span></p> + +<p class="center">WINGS<br> +<span style="font-size: small;">ETHEL M. KELLEY</span></p> + +<p class="center">ORDEAL<br> +<span style="font-size: small;">DALE COLLINS</span></p> +</div> + + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> + +<div class="chapter"> +<div class="frame-wrapper" style="max-width: 600px;"> +<div id="title-page"> +<img src="images/title_frame.png" alt="" class="border-image x-ebookmaker-drop"> +<div class="content"> +<p class="center">MILDRED CRAM</p> + +<p class="ph1"><i>The Tide</i></p> + +<figure class="figcenter illowp20" id="i_title1" style="max-width: 3em;"> + <img class="w100" src="images/i_title1.png" alt="" data-role="presentation"> +</figure> + +<figure class="figcenter illowp20" id="i_title2" style="margin-top: 8em; max-width: 4em;"> + <img class="w100" src="images/i_title2.png" alt="" data-role="presentation"> +</figure> + +<p class="center"><i>New York</i> · 1924</p> + +<p class="center">ALFRED · A · KNOPF</p> +</div> +</div> +</div> +</div> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> + +<div class="chapter"> +<p class="center" style="word-spacing: 0.05em;"> + COPYRIGHT, 1923, 1924, BY MILDRED CRAM · PUBLISHED,<br> + OCTOBER, 1924. · SET UP, ELECTROTYPED<br> + AND PRINTED BY THE QUINN & BODEN COMPANY,<br> + RAHWAY, N. J. · ESPARTO PAPER MANUFACTURED<br> + IN SCOTLAND AND FURNISHED BY W. F. ETHERINGTON<br> + & CO., NEW YORK. · BOUND BY THE H. WOLFF<br> + ESTATE, NEW YORK, N. Y.<br> +</p> +<p class="center p6"> + MANUFACTURED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA +</p> +</div> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> +<div class="chapter"> + <p class="ph2"> + TO MY HUSBAND + </p> +</div> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> +<div class="chapter"> +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_1">[Pg 1]</span></p> + <h2 class="nobreak" id="I"> + I + </h2> +</div> + + +<p class="dropcap"><span class="upper-case">Lilah</span> closed the door of the apartment and +walked slowly across the living-room to the +window, removing her black hat and the chiffon +veil which had about it an unpleasant and penetrating +odor of mourning. The silence was good. To be rid +of all those people, those eyes, trying to gauge her +grief, to measure it, as if it were soluble! Tears! +Suppose she hadn’t shed enough? Then they would +have said that she had not loved her father....</p> + +<p>Well, she had.</p> + +<p>Now she could do as she pleased about everything. +She turned her back to the window and with quick, +critical eyes appraised the room her father had liked +to call the “library.” He had brought his books and +possessions from Ohio to New York when he accepted +the professorship at Columbia. “No, my dear, we +mustn’t leave this, or this—these things are very precious +to me. They are—sanctified.”</p> + +<p>Sanctified! A little burst of laughter shook Lilah. +She wanted to sweep everything into a great heap and +set a match to it; to make a bonfire of sanctified ugliness.</p> + +<p>She felt very young and invincible as she stood there +with her back to the window. She had asked to be +alone because she was afraid of the exuberance that +had taken possession of her on the way back from +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_2">[Pg 2]</span>the cemetery. Everything had looked so fresh, so gay, +so desirable—streets, houses, little flocks of sparrows, +people passing with disinterested glances at the long +procession of funeral hacks. She had wanted to jump +out and walk. But she had kept her handkerchief over +her face to hide the upward curving of her lips, the look +she knew must be there of eagerness. She had gone +through the business of burying her father famously, +had made all the conventional gestures. Something +within her had said: “I am free. This is the beginning +for me.”</p> + +<p>She was sorry that she had pitied her father. She +would have preferred to admire him. He had never +understood, as she understood, life or men. A failure, +he had capitalized his defeat. She had seen through +him—his artful gentleness, his calculated patience, his +martyrdom. He never complained, but his eyes looked +out at you like a startled deer; you had a feeling that +you had hurt him in some way. He was forever turning +the other cheek, accepting reverses and disappointments +with enthusiasm, as saints have worn and rejoiced +in hair shirts.</p> + +<p>Lilah thought: “Did I love him? Of course I did. +Old hypocrite! I shouldn’t. He lived his own life +and never gave a thought to mine. And he has left me +penniless. He made me love beautiful things and I’ve +got to shift for myself in order to get them. But I +loved him.”</p> + +<p>She remembered his hands, large, hairy hands with +freckles, that had groped for hers in those last, terrified +moments of wavering. And her heart contracted +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_3">[Pg 3]</span>with a deep pity, a shame, a pervading loneliness. She +began to cry....</p> + +<p>She would save the books, of course. They were +valuable. Her father, who had been a gluttonous +reader, had had excellent taste. Most of his salary +had gone into first editions—that rare Aretino, the +Baudelaire, the exquisite copy of Vasari’s “Vita di +Leonardo da Vinci.” All the book clerks in the city +had gone to the funeral. He had belonged to that +rare genus, the veritable connoisseur.</p> + +<p>“Your father was a wonderful man, Miss Norris. +Wonderful. I’ll always remember him prowling up +and down between the shelves, peering and questioning. +He knew how to handle books! <i>He</i> never +broke their backs!”</p> + +<p>Wiping the tears away, Lilah went into her bedroom. +She hated herself in black; she was too blonde +and too slender. She decided, leaning forward to +stare at herself in the dressing-table mirror, that she +was positively plain.... And she made a little face +at herself. She undressed slowly, slipping out of the +black dress she had bought for the funeral. Then, +sitting on the edge of the bed in her underthings, she +took stock of herself. She could still see herself in +the mirror, rather blurred by the dim light, but charming, +not plain now that the black was gone and her +eyes were free of tears. She was one of those women +who take a serious pleasure in regarding themselves; +she was never unconscious of her cleverly modeled +face, the misty quality of her loveliness. And because +of this preoccupation, her expression was watchful, +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_4">[Pg 4]</span>with something petulant in the droop of her mouth. +She was small and compact; she had the broad shoulders +and meager hips of a boy. Her hands were too +large but she had inherited her mother’s pointed and +lustrous nails and a certain fineness, almost an elegance +of gesture. She was strong but indolent; she +disliked fussy, unsteady people.</p> + +<p>She turned her head and gravely studied another +angle of her face; she had always taken a peculiar +delight in the possession of her own nose; its blunt, +deft outlines were modern, audacious, “funny.” How +lucky not to be aquiline, or worse, Roman! It was +part of her good fortune to have been born in physical +key with her period. She would have been considered +ugly in the sixteenth, the eighteenth centuries; +in the twentieth, she was delightful because +her features were irregular and provocative.</p> + +<p>She thought again: “I am alone.”</p> + +<p>All young lives, she reflected, must begin, be founded +upon, the death of some one already old. From the +stale and disillusioned, such soaring as hers! For +she meant to soar. Change, decline, a difference in +her delicious outline, were remote and unimaginable +calamities. She remembered, with a shudder, her +father’s last year. He had seemed to surrender too +easily to the little habits of senility—he had not been +always—quite nice. Why were old people so pathetic, +so remote, so unaware of their lack of grace?</p> + +<p>Now, she knew, she was glad that it was over. She +could be free of that breathless pity, that impatience +which had bordered on disgust and had hurt her so—</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_5">[Pg 5]</span></p> + +<p>She jumped up and went back to the library.</p> + +<p>Her father’s chair was drawn up beside the table, +so that the light from the lamp might fall across his +open book. He had been reading Emerson. Not +Nietzsche, at the end. He had said, with one of his +smiles, that as he drew nearer to the devil he sought +a better acquaintance with God.</p> + +<p>Lilah wondered whether he had found God; +whether, after that frantic struggle not to die, he had +come upon green hills and clouds white as snow. She +smiled at the thought of him, reading “Essays in +Pessimism” and neglecting his harp, or his pitch +fork. Perhaps he had sought acquaintance with God +too late, as she herself was sure to.</p> + +<p>She sat down in the old chair and contemplated +her slippers, her ankles, her legs. Pretty enough +legs. She might try the stage. It was an amusing +thought, and while it lasted, she saw herself, very +much blonder, wearing one of those soubrette costumes +with a bouffant skirt and a “plate” hat tied +under her chin....</p> + +<p>The idea trailed off.</p> + +<hr class="tb"> + +<p>When the telephone rang, she hesitated. It might +be Aunt Jo—one of the relatives, who had made this +pilgrimage to New York with the gusto of the confirmed +funeral enthusiast. Or it might be David, +who had made her grief an excuse for offering his +shoulder again.</p> + +<p>On the chance that it might be Robert Peabody, +she answered.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_6">[Pg 6]</span></p> + +<p>His voice, with that peculiar hesitation, said: “Miss +Norris?”</p> + +<p>He wanted to see her. He had only just heard. +Might he come? Of course! To-night.... She +was alone and unhappy, depressed. He could +imagine....</p> + +<p>“Eight o’clock, then.”</p> + +<p>She put the instrument down and ran into her bedroom, +her spirits flying again, like a whir of swift +birds across a sunset sky. The window was open, +and, bare-armed, she leaned on the sill, watching the +tide in the street, people hurrying home, with bundles, +with newspapers, with twisted cornucopias full of +flowers. The sky was slate blue and the street a +deep cañon full of purple shadows. All the ugliness +was erased; the cornices had a sort of beauty. A +tall apartment house over on the Avenue rose like a +tower, a shaft of white stone set with lights and +crowned with wisps of steam, purple-blue plumes in a +giant’s cap. The murmur of the city rose, confused, +a vast grumble. She thought again of her father, +lying out there beneath a heap of flowers, and of herself, +here, alive, with everything unfolding....</p> + +<p>He had always said that he had given his life to her. +What he had really given her was a dubious inheritance. +She had all of his impatience, his detestation +of the crude or the banal.</p> + +<p>He had taken her with him on his annual vacations +in Europe, meager excursions to Switzerland and Italy. +Lilah summered in innumerable, obscure <i>pensions</i>. +She wore crêpe waists that “did up” without ironing +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_7">[Pg 7]</span>and comfortable German-Swiss shoes with hob-nails, +and tramped through the Alpine valleys carrying a +stick and a knapsack. Her quick eyes saw everything, +took things in, assorted, rejected, accepted. She spoke +French and Italian with a pert accent, and while her +father sought out and worried his intellectual bones +she absorbed the European Blue Book.</p> + +<p>Beyond the redolent <i>pensions</i> with their grottoed +gardens and dingy dining-rooms, there were the Grands +Hôtels d’Europe, emblazoned <i>concièrges</i> and <i>parcs</i> +equipped with statuary and pavilions. And beyond +the hotels, a sacred circle of <i>chateâux</i> and <i>villine</i> sheltering +the lives of people whose very names stirred in +her a melancholy envy. She had never thought herself +socially inferior; she had the peculiar pride of the +pedagogical aristocracy; she was, moreover, American +in her assumption of equality. But she could not be +patient, she could not accept what she knew to be a +surrender to mediocrity.</p> + +<p>In the meantime, several men fell in love with her—a +Swedish pianist with a bang and long finger-nails, +an Italian cavalry officer and an English engineer who +wanted her to go with him to South Africa. She knew, +before she was twenty, the depth and the danger of +passion. A man had groveled at her feet, begging +for something she could not feel. She had known +disgust and terror; afterwards, an exultation. She +seemed to have a certain persuasion. Realizing it, +she cultivated her charm, what men called her “mystery.” +Part artifice, part instinct, this charm of hers +was deepened, made permanent, during those summers +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_8">[Pg 8]</span>in Europe. She was feminine and adroit. She knew +that, given the right soil, she might cultivate a very +rare garden indeed.</p> + +<hr class="tb"> + +<p>Now this....</p> + +<p>She closed the window and began to dress. Black +again, she supposed. Robert Peabody was conventional +enough to question grief in orchid chiffon; he +would expect pallor—and pearls. Her own string was +imitation and she threw it down again. The telephone +was ringing ... David.... She crinkled +her nose at herself in the mirror. Let him ring! He +was one of those dumb, worshipful creatures made +more ardent by rebuffs. He would ring to-morrow, +and the next day, and the next, until she answered. +Nothing must interfere with her seeing Robert Peabody +alone.</p> + +<p>The bell stopped with a querulous note of surrender, +and she went about the library, straightening +the chairs, pushing the ugliest ornaments out of sight. +She moved quickly, conscious of an unpleasant sensation +of fear. Her father seemed to be there, watching +her, mournful and beseeching, with those eyes of +a dog or a wounded deer. She felt that she had done +something unfair; that she might, she might have held +him on this side a little longer—if she had resisted +whatever it was that was pulling him down and away! +How horrible! Death should never come near the +living. It was unkind. Even to know—</p> + +<p>She had put a silk scarf over her shoulders. The +fringed ends touched the floor; with one hand she +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_9">[Pg 9]</span>held the heavy folds across her hips so that the grace +of her figure was visible.</p> + +<p>When the door bell rang—it was one of the push-button +variety—she waited a moment before answering, +an artistic interval intended to stir a doubt in +Peabody’s mind and then to reassure him so that he +would mount the four flights of carpeted stairs with +a sense of victory, of security.</p> + +<p>While he climbed, she leaned over the banister. +She could see his blond head with the neat parting, +his black and white muffler, a gloved hand on the railing.... +The ghost in the room behind her drifted +out of the window, back to the pyramid of flowers.</p> + +<p>She thought: “He has never been here before. He’ll +hate the room.”</p> + +<p>But Robert Peabody seemed only to see her. His +light eyes, not quick like her own, but steady and +almost expressionless, stared at her as he took her +hand: “I was so sorry to hear—so awfully sorry for +you.”</p> + +<p>Lilah’s lips trembled. She led him back to the +library and took from him the heavy overcoat, the +silk muffler, his hat and gloves. The feel of them +pleased her; they were so exactly right in texture.</p> + +<p>“I’ve been at the Point,” he said, taking her father’s +chair. “I never see a paper there. Gillow told me +when I got back this morning.” He hesitated. “I +liked your father.”</p> + +<p>“Every one did,” Lilah said.</p> + +<p>“I know. I dare say he was better than most +of us.”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_10">[Pg 10]</span></p> + +<p>“He was.”</p> + +<p>“See here. I wish you wouldn’t cry! When people +die, it’s a confounded shame to talk about their good +qualities. I’m a fool. I didn’t mean to do what +every one else does. I meant to cheer you up a bit.... +Are you alone?”</p> + +<p>Lilah wiped her eyes. “Yes. I sent the relatives +away. They enjoyed it too much.”</p> + +<p>He laughed. “Sensible of you! What can I talk +to you about? Dogs? People? Gardens?”</p> + +<p>“Yourself,” Lilah answered. “I’m curious about +you.”</p> + +<p>This was obvious, but he was not the sort to be +alarmed.</p> + +<p>“Your father must have told you,” he said. And +to her surprise he flushed. “I was his worst pupil. +I flunked everything. I’m terribly stupid.”</p> + +<p>“I don’t believe that.”</p> + +<p>“But I am. I wouldn’t be anywhere to-day if it +weren’t for my grandfather. He created the family, +and he still runs it. Funny thing—he had all the +creative instinct. He saw the possibilities in lumber +sixty years ago. He saw, and, he dared. Magnificent +old chap! He outlived my father. I dare say +he’ll outlive me.”</p> + +<p>“Hardly.”</p> + +<p>“Eighty-four. Thin as a leaf and hard as steel! +I’m third generation. And drinkin’.”</p> + +<p>“Why?”</p> + +<p>“What else is there to do? My grandfather had +all the fun. He broke the ground and planted the +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_11">[Pg 11]</span>seed. Now the trees are up—if I can put it that way—and +there’s nothing for me to do but sit in the +shade.... Sometimes I envy him.”</p> + +<p>Lilah glanced down at her slippers. “You shouldn’t. +He gives you everything.”</p> + +<p>“And laughs at me! Because I’m soft. And thick-pated. +He couldn’t hate me any more than I hate +myself. My God, Miss Norris, to be as rich as I am +and to look like an English governess.... Now, +don’t I? Honest? You ought to see my knees—they’re +as pink as a baby’s! Look at my hands! +And this hair—it parts like that, neat, in the middle! +Great God!” He stared at her. “So I’m drinkin’.”</p> + +<p>“You don’t blame your grandfather for your knees, +do you?”</p> + +<p>“Of course I do.” He slid forward and offered his +cigarette case. “Smoke?”</p> + +<p>Lilah thought quickly: “Do I, or don’t I?”</p> + +<p>She decided: “Yes.”</p> + +<p>And leaning to the match he lighted, she puffed +delicately, with quick little intakes of breath. The +smoke came through her nostrils. She tipped her +head back and let Peabody see the firm line of her +throat, her chin, round and feminine.</p> + +<p>“I made you laugh, didn’t I? I wanted to.” His +expression changed, and she saw again that bland, +sympathetic look, an intensification, as if he were +trying to focus on his emotion. He had no complexities +of feeling; he seemed to grope for the most simple +reaction. It was, Lilah thought, like one of those +“slowed-up” pictures in the movies. You saw his +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_12">[Pg 12]</span>mood change as you watched him. She could anticipate +the conclusion before he was aware of it himself. +Was he going to bore her too much? Her mind was +not always accurate but it was quick as lightning. +She saw—pounced—judged. She lay back in her +chair watching this man whose path had crossed hers +only twice, once in Europe, and again at a dinner given +in honor of her father. He was the only rich man +she knew. The satellites that had revolved about her +in her <i>pension</i> days had been on the lookout for the +traditional American heiress; she had no <i>dot</i>, and +therefore no claim to their serious attention. She +knew this. And her attitude toward men had been +unconsciously established; she believed that she could +not advance without a compromise. She took it for +granted that she would have to forego love. She was +too ironical to consider the possibility of a lovable +Robert Peabody.</p> + +<p>“See here,” he said. The match burned out between +his fingers and he tossed it into the grate. “I +have a suggestion.... You ought not to stay here +alone. Suppose you let me take you back to the +Point? My grandfather’s there. He’d love you. +And there’s my Aunt Whiteside, who’s a sort of housekeeper. +It would do you good. What do you say?”</p> + +<p>Lilah shook her head. “No.”</p> + +<p>“Why not?”</p> + +<p>She stood up, flicking the ashes into the hearth, +with a gesture she had perhaps copied from some one—it +was not insolent, but it was very “Russian.” She +was picturesque, standing there, the lamplight on the +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_13">[Pg 13]</span>curious silver-gold of her hair, which she wore straight +back from her forehead. She had about her that peculiar +and elusive element of elegance which is usually +the patina, unmistakable, of wealth. There was no +trace of her rather shoddy experience in either her +carriage or her attitude. She was not arrogant. She +was assured. And this was her most valuable asset.</p> + +<p>She shook her head again. “I can’t. I’m penniless. +I’ve got to do something.”</p> + +<p>Robert Peabody stared at his hands as if they offended +him. “I’m sorry. Terribly sorry. That’s +rotten luck.”</p> + +<p>The rich can be magnificently casual about money. +It was rotten luck! But to people like the Peabodys, +financial calamity is too remote to be classed among +the realities of life.</p> + +<p>Lilah, glancing down at the neat part in Robert +Peabody’s hair, knew that she had made a misstep.</p> + +<p>“It’s all right,” she said lightly. “I’ll manage.”</p> + +<p>“Of course you will! Only I’d hoped that you’d +come. It would be jolly for my grandfather. And +for me.”</p> + +<p>It would have been jolly for her, if she could have +afforded it. How could she tell Robert Peabody that +she had only the one dress, and nothing for evening? +If she had been a personality, some one established, +a woman of importance, it would not have mattered. +A great woman needs only her wits and her name. +But Lilah was nobody. Twenty-seven years old, and +nobody. She felt that her potentiality had been +walled in. Her father had had a streak of something +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_14">[Pg 14]</span>common in his nature; he had preferred mediocre +people. He was always giving money to blatant, +down-at-the-heel sycophants whom he suspected of +talent or spiritual loveliness. He lent a sympathetic +ear to tales of degradation. There was something +coarse in him—a streak aslant the pure crystal of his +intellect. His friends had called him a humanitarian; +to Lilah, his passion for derelicts meant a lack of fastidiousness. +She wanted him to be an epicurean; he +had ended by being a pathetic Nietzschan bleating +for God....</p> + +<p>Oh, to get away ... to forget, in the freshness of +the country in May, the stale odor of crêpe and wilted +carnations....</p> + +<p>“You ought to see the Point, Miss Norris. Some +day, you must. I was brought up there. I’m pretty +much of a country chap. I’d like to show you the +kennels. D’you like spaniels?”</p> + +<p>“Rather.”</p> + +<p>“I’ve got a new litter. Four of the prettiest little +chaps. Smooth as silk with perfectly gorgeous ears.”</p> + +<p>He went on, talking about spaniels, leaning back in +her father’s chair.</p> + +<p>She smiled. But her mind was busy making pictures +of the Point; she was walking down a garden +path paved with brick between rose hedges. The sun +was warm on her back; she could feel it through the +lace of her gown, and on her neck, where her leghorn +hat turned up and you saw her hair twisted so +smoothly, honey-colored. She was not with Robert +but with his grandfather. There was a look between +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_15">[Pg 15]</span>them of perfect understanding, something warm, mutual, +delicious. And the sky was like a Canaletto, +flecked with “mackerel,” gentian and crystal. She +saw the chimneys of a house, and a sort of terrace +where a cow grazed under some trees....</p> + +<p>“The little chaps hadn’t opened their eyes.”</p> + +<p>“No?” she said. She came back out of the dream +with a shiver of pleasure. Then one by one the details +of the room assailed her. This was hers.</p> + +<p>She twisted her shoulders and smiled. “Aren’t +you hungry? I’ll make a rarebit.”</p> + +<p>Robert Peabody flushed again. “Will you?”</p> + +<p>She led the way to the kitchen, and, letting the silk +scarf fall into Robert’s hands, she put on an apron. +She was very expert and swift, lighting the gas stove, +opening and shutting the ice-box, grating cheese, +toasting crackers, stirring and measuring. She put +Robert in a corner, where he sat with her scarf between +his hands, caressing the stuff, not as some men +would have caressed it, with luxury, but with a sort +of unconscious pleasure, as one strokes the silky ears +of a dog. All the while he watched her. She had +decided not to be ashamed of the way she lived; there +was little or no use in pretending luxury. A medley +of sounds rose from the court outside, and she closed +the window. They were more alone in the silence. +Their intimacy and their strangeness demanded words, +but he said nothing, only watched, with emotions making +their slow and obvious passage across his eyes. +He found her fascinating and she puzzled him. She +was practical, and pretty, a lady; you couldn’t be +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_16">[Pg 16]</span>quite sure, these days; he might have a shot at a +flirtation; he pitied her; he was a little afraid of her—but +fascinating, by George. Damned attractive! +Something foreign about her.... And then the idea +of love crossed his mind. While she was stirring the +rarebit, she watched the beginning of that idea. His +eyes were fixed on her hands and arms, from which +the black sleeves fell back. His eyes clouded with +the poignant onslaught of his conception—to love her, +to be loved by her. Tremendous. A responsibility. +His mouth betrayed, by a droop at the corners, his +humility and discouragement. And his hands, touching +the silk fringes, began suddenly to caress them, +gently.</p> + +<p>When she leaned across the table to pour the rarebit, +he bent quickly and kissed her arm.</p> + +<p>Lilah said: “Oh.”</p> + +<p>“Forgive me, there’s a dear! I didn’t mean to. I +swear I didn’t.”</p> + +<p>“And you pretend to be stupid?”</p> + +<p>“But I am. That’s just it.”</p> + +<p>She shrugged. Her reaction was immediate and +would have startled him had he known how swift +and inexorable her judgments were. She had decided +to make him suffer, and to land him full and fair in +her net. This one, and no other! You will see that +she was romantic; only a very sentimental woman enjoys +making a man suffer. As a gauge of love the +process is primitive, even savage. It meant simply +that in that moment, so light, so brief, when he had +put his lips to her arm, he had attracted her.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_17">[Pg 17]</span></p> + +<p>“It’s a good rarebit,” he said. “And it seems to +me you’re awfully cozy here. Nice little flat. Everything +comfortable.”</p> + +<p>“But I haven’t any money.”</p> + +<p>“Not literally?”</p> + +<p>“Quite. When the nurses and doctors are paid, I +shan’t have anything.”</p> + +<p>She stifled a sudden depression. “I’ll do something. +I can make hats!”</p> + +<p>He looked up from the rarebit. “I bet you can! +I’ll tell Aunt Whiteside and the James girls. I know +mobs of women....”</p> + +<p>He branched off into the eccentricities of his Aunt +Whiteside’s hats. “Awful little bonnets with trees and +crystal dew-dabs and strings—everything shakes and +shivers—all of her hats have the palsy. But she pays +like thunder for ’em. And the bills go to my grandfather. +He always says: ‘The price of virtue’ when +he writes the check. She’s sort of a mother superior +in sequins. One day my grandfather said: ‘Robert, +have you ever noticed Grace Whiteside’s legs?’ I’d +never thought of such a thing! But the next +day I looked, and by George, they were magnificent! +Something terrible about it.... An old lady with +legs....”</p> + +<p>“Go on,” Lilah said.</p> + +<p>But Robert shook his head. “I’m shockin’ you.”</p> + +<p>“No. I’ve known Italian men. They all talk like +that, only, in Italian, it sounds like d’Annunzio: <i>Le +gambe belle di una vecchia donna</i>....”</p> + +<p>They laughed.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_18">[Pg 18]</span></p> + +<p>He had forgotten about her poverty again.</p> + +<p>Before he left, standing in the darkened hallway +with his muffler on and eyes sympathetic again, he +said: “I’m going to ask Grace Fuller to come around +and see you. She’s looking for a room-mate. Splendid +girl. I’m rather sweet on her. You’d like her.”</p> + +<p>“Grace Fuller?”</p> + +<p>“She’s a nurse. Took care of me when I had my +appendix. And she always sees Aunt Whiteside +through the gall-stones.”</p> + +<p>He offered his hand.</p> + +<p>Lilah felt that, behind her, the ghost had drifted +in again. “I’d be very glad,” she said faintly.</p> + +<p>“Now you cheer up.” His voice deepened a note. +He was genuinely sorry for her. “Good night.”</p> + +<p>Lilah leaned against the closed door.... Tired.... +Tired.... Grace Fuller.... Sweet on her.... +What a damned fool of a man! What a bore! +Stupid! Stupid! To have had him here at all! To +have tried....</p> + +<p>She ran to the window and leaned out. A motor +moved away with a silvery clink of chains. It had +been raining.... He was gone.... The street +lights were like balloons on sticks and an odor of wet +dust rose, pungent, acrid.</p> + +<p>For a long time she leaned there, with dry eyes, +her breath shallow. The day flowed back over her +spirit and she saw herself, little, heartless, unsuccessful. +She had better make up her mind to do with +what she had. To accustom herself to such ugliness +as this.</p> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> +<div class="chapter"> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_19">[Pg 19]</span></p> + + + <h2 class="nobreak" id="II"> + II + </h2> +</div> + + +<p class="dropcap"><span class="upper-case">She</span> had hoped for a little life-insurance; her +father’s wail had been, whenever she wanted a +new hat: “I can’t, my dear. I’ve got to pay +the life-insurance—twenty dollars.” She had never +questioned him; it had seemed unkind, but she knew +that there was some sort of a policy. She went +through his papers, vaguely excited. There were a few +letters from some one who signed herself “Darling,” +written in a spidery hand on blue paper. Lilah threw +the package into the waste basket, unread.... His +knife. His precious letter of recommendation from +Hadley.... A note, long overdue, forgotten, outlawed, +hardly decipherable.... A long envelope containing +snap-shots of his dog, Nellie, the old setter. +Lilah felt a penetrating pity—her father, laughing, in +a corduroy coat, with Nellie tugging at a leash. Her +father, on a jig-saw veranda, with his pipe, and +Nellie scratching fleas behind him.... Nellie.... +Nellie....</p> + +<p>The policy was not there. She emptied the drawers +of an accumulation of cherished trash, all faded, incomprehensible.</p> + +<p>She was interrupted by a caller, a thin, waspish man +who tried to be amiable, as if he expected, before the +interview was over, to be thoroughly disagreeable.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_20">[Pg 20]</span></p> + +<p>“Miss Norris? I represent Bilton and Chiswick, +agents for this apartment. We have heard of your +misfortune. We would like to know whether you intend +to occupy the premises now that you are—alone—or +whether you prefer to sub-lease.”</p> + +<p>Lilah said impatiently: “I’ll let you know.”</p> + +<p>He consulted a black book, very much thumbed. +“Your lease expires in twenty days. Shall I prepare +a new lease for the coming year? The rent, in all +these apartments, has been raised. We are asking +sixty-five a month for three rooms and bath.”</p> + +<p>“How on earth does he know,” Lilah wondered, +“that I’m broke?”</p> + +<p>To shock him, she lighted a cigarette.</p> + +<p>He jumped up. “We expect an answer in the morning. +There’s a great demand for these apartments.”</p> + +<p>“Is there?”</p> + +<p>Lilah went with him to the door and shut him out +with a bang. These agents had a mysterious money +instinct—they could smell out poverty. Beasts!</p> + +<p>She went back to the library, suddenly conscious +of the inestimable blessing of a roof. She had sixty +dollars. The doctor could be put off. Doctors never +expected to be paid at once.... The nurse, no. +Then, where would she be? Why hadn’t her father +taught her to do something.... She had forgotten +the grocer’s bill, the milk, ice, gas, newspaper....</p> + +<p>She would have to borrow. From whom? Not +Aunt Jo. Nor her father’s cronies, the book clerks. +Nor from any of the professors and assistants. Every +one she knew was poor, struggling, limited.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_21">[Pg 21]</span></p> + +<p>She signed a new lease. The waspish man was suspicious. +He made a sucking sound with his tongue +and snatched his fountain-pen back before Lilah had +added the line and the two dots which usually ornamented +her large, flourishing signature. She had no +idea how she was going to thwart his obvious intention; +he meant to evict her, bag and baggage, at the +first opportunity. When he had gone, sucking his +teeth all the way down stairs, Lilah telephoned David +Brenner. He, at least, would know that coupons don’t +grow in geranium pots.</p> + +<p>He came, smiling in that way he had of cherishing +a secret.</p> + +<p>“David, I’m frightened.”</p> + +<p>“Broke?”</p> + +<p>She emptied her purse on the table. “Forty-one, +seventy-seven.”</p> + +<p>He shook his head. “I’m not sorry for you, Lilah. +You’re looking into a mirror at what you think is life. +And the mirror is a trick mirror—it enlarges, distorts +everything. You see your poverty—colossal! You +see your limitations—gigantic! You see your fear—enormous! +And look here—look! The Truth! +You’re a pretty little humbug. You can earn your +living, only you’re afraid to.”</p> + +<p>“David, I thought you loved me.”</p> + +<p>“I do.”</p> + +<p>The young Jew had eyes that went around her. +“I do. Only—between the sublime and the ridiculous +there is the breadth of a hair.”</p> + +<p>“Am I ridiculous?”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_22">[Pg 22]</span></p> + +<p>“You are a little humbug,” he said stubbornly.</p> + +<p>“What can I do? I won’t cook. I won’t take care +of babies. I won’t be a chorus girl.”</p> + +<p>“You’re too old.”</p> + +<p>“Old?”</p> + +<p>“Certainly. What else can you do?”</p> + +<p>“I can make hats.”</p> + +<p>Suddenly she raised her voice. “I hate poverty! +It’s positively immoral.”</p> + +<p>“What a pretty speech! Wait until you know real +poverty, as I have known it! Did I ever tell you—I +escaped from Russia when I was sixteen? I stowed +away from Vladivostok to San Francisco and lived +like a rat for three years. Only then my name wasn’t +Brenner—it was a mouthful! I don’t hate poverty. +I hate the system which permits poverty....”</p> + +<p>Lilah interrupted. “I shan’t fail! I can get four +with one and one-half. I’m quick. But I don’t like +having to be quick. I prefer to wear chiffon and to +walk in a garden....”</p> + +<p>His eyes softened “Poor Lilah.”</p> + +<p>“What shall I do?”</p> + +<p>“Work.”</p> + +<p>“<i>You</i> don’t,” she said sharply.</p> + +<p>But he would not part with his secret. Spreading +out his hands, he shrugged, and let her believe anything. +Suspected of having dodged the draft, David +Brenner kept strange company, maintained an enigmatic +silence and, like all morose and discontented intellectuals, +appeared to be more important than he +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_23">[Pg 23]</span>was. He wore a cloak of vague disapproval. It was +more an atmosphere than a militant conviction. He +was not a fighter. There was something adolescent +in his moody distraction, his hauteur, his indifference.</p> + +<p>“Lilah, I am an alley cat, pawing over garbage. I +have come upon a glittering little fish, a fresh sardine—and +that’s Lilah! I shall never be the same cat +again.... I shall always be looking for sardines.... +Will you lunch with me?”</p> + +<p>She would.</p> + +<p>They went to a Greenwich Village restaurant. In +certain moods, Lilah enjoyed such places. She liked +to sit aloof and peep between her fingers at these +pathological bohemians. She smoked, veiled her eyes, +and let David Brenner hold her hand. The table was +a patch-work of initials and dates, egoistic trademarks. +Lilah thought of Dante’s Tomb and the +names scratched on the face of the Sphinx—little +names, here and there, seen, gone ... nothing....</p> + +<p>David Brenner was no better than Robert Peabody. +Men only wanted to kiss her.</p> + +<hr class="tb"> + +<p>She left him and walked uptown, seeking the sacred +pavements of upper Fifth Avenue with a deep breath +of relief. Here, she could be herself. She drifted +from one shop-window to another, absorbed, with +something in her expression of the devotee. She +might have been a woman of elegance, whereas she +happened to be a little nobody with forty-one dollars +and seventy-seven cents in the world.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_24">[Pg 24]</span></p> + +<p>Characteristically, she postponed thinking about +the future. She enjoyed the great symphony of the +streets. The crowds gave her a feeling of security.</p> + +<p>She studied the hats. One, in particular, delighted +her. It was <i>chinoiserie</i>, a poem in colored silks with +a funny, pointed crown—no one but Lilah could wear +such a hat.</p> + +<p>She went on; came back to stare.... Delightful.... +Her father had not wanted her to wear mourning. +And this little hat would give her some sort of +glow....</p> + +<p>She went into the shop.</p> + +<p>It was a gray, padded, mirrored place. And a +woman in a black dress, too short, with long, square +sleeves, came forward.</p> + +<p>“The little hat in the window,” Lilah said in her +best manner. “The Chinese one.” She made a gesture.</p> + +<p>“Ah, yes.”</p> + +<p>The hat was produced, twirled, tipped, turned upside +down.</p> + +<p>“Let me see.”</p> + +<p>“Certainly.”</p> + +<p>Lilah sat down before a mirror and removed the +black hat and veil. She ran her fingers through her +hair and gave a downward and upward thrust of her +head to receive this crown of bright, twisted silks.</p> + +<p>“Lanvin,” the saleswoman remarked.</p> + +<p>“Really?”</p> + +<p>“A copy.”</p> + +<p>“I thought so.”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_25">[Pg 25]</span></p> + +<p>“But, Madam, it is exact. In everything. The +silk; the ornament—you won’t see another.”</p> + +<p>Lilah studied her profile. She was indeed a quaint +and delightful little person....</p> + +<p>“Do you like it?”</p> + +<p>“Very becoming, Madam.”</p> + +<p>Lilah felt a rush of excitement and pleasure.</p> + +<p>“How much is it?”</p> + +<p>“Thirty-five, Madam.”</p> + +<p>“That seems—”</p> + +<p>She broke off. It was really not expensive.</p> + +<p>“You look very well indeed, Madam. You wear +that type of hat wonderfully. So few can!”</p> + +<p>“I’ll take it.”</p> + +<p>The woman’s manner changed. “May I show you +others? We have a few models—it is rather early.... +One very beautiful straw, from Molineux. This +one ... a little more to one side.... You wear hats +so well.”</p> + +<p>Lilah wanted to say: “I make them, too.”</p> + +<p>Instead, she wrinkled up her nose and became very +contemptuous. “I don’t like it.”</p> + +<p>“No?”</p> + +<p>She went out of the shop wearing the little silk +turban, and carrying the black hat in a striped box +inscribed: <i>La Mode Chez Annette</i>.</p> + +<hr class="tb"> + +<p>Beneath a slate-blue sky the light stone palaces of +trade were curiously luminous. The Avenue itself, in +shadow, was a revolving chain of motors; the great +procession of glittering vehicles moved forward, +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_26">[Pg 26]</span>stopped, was pierced by cross-town traffic, moved +forward again. The Towers built about the Plaza +rose into sunlight and were gilded at the tip. Lilah +found the city very suave, mellow—there was none of +the brazen clamor of Chicago, the sullen roar of London.... +A woman approaching with a dog on a leash +and wearing a long black cape and a plush tricorn, +was like a figure by Longhi....</p> + +<p>Lilah was conscious of a keen esthetic pleasure. +The hat had restored her self-confidence, the certainty +of success.</p> + +<p>She was always alive to this pageant; its deeper +meanings, its trend, escaped her. But she saw every +face that passed—she could label them, put them in +their niche. Old people touched her heart, if they +were brave and jaunty; she could be infinitely sorry +for some suffering and haughty face glimpsed in passing. +The audacious, bow-legged, and blatant girl of +the people, aping fashion, irritated her; vulgarity excluded +the picturesque; there was nothing wistful +about gum and lop-sided French heels. Lilah was not +pitiless, but her pity was aroused by things in themselves +not tragic—she was sorry only for the strong +who are defeated by time or disease. The weak and +helpless annoyed her because they made demands on +her sympathy. She preferred to give, unsolicited.</p> + +<hr class="tb"> + +<p>She turned aside at Fifty-seventh Street, eager to +wear the hat into all the high-roads of fashion.</p> + +<p>Then, superior to fatigue, borne along on the crest +of that little personal success, she walked downtown +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_27">[Pg 27]</span>again, with her quick, short steps and the imperious +carriage of her head, threading the impersonal crowds, +stimulated, eager, warming herself against that pressure +of life.</p> + +<hr class="tb"> + +<p>She climbed the four flights of carpeted stairs +slowly. All the zest was gone. If her father were +only there—some one—</p> + +<p>A woman, rather tall, with a curious, ugly face and +a bang of lightish hair under a queer hat, was leaning +against the wall in the half-shadow at the top of the +stairs.</p> + +<p>“Miss Norris? I’m Miss Fuller. I rang and you +didn’t answer. But I came up anyway. Robert Peabody +sent me.”</p> + +<p>Lilah said, in a voice she kept for strangers: “I’m +so glad. Won’t you come in?”</p> + +<p>Miss Fuller followed and looked carefully at everything +before she sat down.</p> + +<p>“This isn’t my taste,” Lilah said instantly.</p> + +<p>“It wouldn’t be. Robert raved about it and about +you. He liked both the room and yourself. He has +no discrimination, but he is a darling.”</p> + +<p>“What, exactly, do you mean by that?”</p> + +<p>“I mean that frills are wasted on him. He doesn’t +see them. From what he told me, I did not expect—you.”</p> + +<p>Lilah laughed. Her good humor returned. She +glanced at herself in the mirror.... Reassuring, +that hat....</p> + +<p>“What did he tell you?”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_28">[Pg 28]</span></p> + +<p>“Oh.... Pretty.... Sweet.... You’re not +sweet. I hate the word. Why do men use it? Men +are so stupid. When they think they’re in love with +you they call you ‘sweet’ and they always muss up +your hair. I hate being made love to. They never +do it right. They either choke you or they scratch +you. It makes me irritable, and they never try it +again.”</p> + +<p>“Does Robert scratch you?” Lilah asked sweetly.</p> + +<p>“No. He chokes.”</p> + +<p>“He would,” Lilah said. “Do you let him?”</p> + +<p>“I compromise. I insist on vacations. Then we +are platonic and he is pathetic. He is a child. He +cries for a lollypop. So I say: ‘Go ahead. Kiss me.’ +And he does. And, afterwards, I use liniment to limber +up my neck.”</p> + +<p>“You look like a Vanderbilt,” Lilah remarked. “All +that wooly hair. And that long neck. And those eyebrows.”</p> + +<p>“I’m Middle West. My grandfather was a Carlsen, +a farmer. But my mother took a trip to Chicago before +I was born and saw some wealth and fashion and +marked me. I love luxury. I can achieve it with +cheese cloth, safety pins and a little rouge. But now +I’m bored. I want a French maid.”</p> + +<p>“Why don’t you marry Robert?”</p> + +<p>“I’m going to. If you don’t.”</p> + +<p>“I?”</p> + +<p>“He has called you sweet.” Miss Fuller lighted a +cigarette. She did it in a characteristic way, a methodical, +unhurried movement of her cool, thin hands. +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_29">[Pg 29]</span>“I won’t fight. I can’t. You have all the weapons. +And I have none. I’d be kind to him and you’d +ruin his life. But you would keep him dancing and +I would see to it that he sat by the fire. I understand +him. You never will.” She tossed the match +away. “And he’ll take you.”</p> + +<p>“Nonsense.” Lilah was pleased. She thought: +“I’ll take <i>him</i>, rather. She’d better watch out.”</p> + +<p>Aloud, she said: “Robert says you’re a nurse.”</p> + +<p>“I met him six years ago, when I was the starchiest +graduate you’ve ever seen—pink and white, with a +cap pinned on a blonde pompadour. It used to be +fashionable to fall in love with your nurse, and I had +a bed-side technique. He asked me to marry him, +but I wouldn’t, because that was always part of an +appendix convalescence. Afterwards, he forgot. Of +course! But later they sent me to the Point to nurse +his Aunt Whiteside—”</p> + +<p>“I know! The gallstones!”</p> + +<p>“He told you?”</p> + +<p>Miss Fuller quenched her cigarette with the same, +deliberate, unhurried gesture. She had a strange +smile, sensitive, in contrast to the clipped irony of +her conversational style. Lilah saw that this woman +had been grievously hurt, shockingly buffeted. There +was something about her calm which suggested the +heroic self-control of the victim of a hurricane or an +earthquake. She was afraid, but she was hanging on.</p> + +<p>“So I went. Starch, blonde bang, wrist-watch. +Very cool.... That house.... The grandfather’s +house. About Eighteen-Seventy. Carpets. Lots of +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_30">[Pg 30]</span>silver. Walnut and ebony. Gongs for dinner. Velvet. +You know the sort of thing.... I don’t like +the grandfather.”</p> + +<p>“Why?”</p> + +<p>“He doesn’t like me. He likes pert women, who +hiss like cats and scratch and then purr on his knee. +My starch irritated him. But Robert liked it.”</p> + +<p>“Did he kiss you, then?”</p> + +<p>“No. Not for years.”</p> + +<p>Lilah said gently: “You love him.”</p> + +<p>“Yes. I do.”</p> + +<p>“Well—”</p> + +<p>“Something I see, that you get to see when you +know him! A gentleness. He is kind to people and +doesn’t make any fuss. There’s no mystery about +him. I’m sick of mysteries.... Doctors.... You +don’t know what those hospitals are! They make a +cynic or a huntress out of you, unless you happen to +be a Florence Nightingale. I’m not. I don’t believe +in anything.”</p> + +<p>She broke off and Lilah said: “Tell me about yourself. +More! Aren’t you happy?”</p> + +<p>“Sometimes. When I’m alone. And I’m never +alone.”</p> + +<p>Lilah laughed. “Robert said you might live with +me.”</p> + +<p>“I <i>could</i> live with you! You’re not the sort of +woman who talks, or fusses. You make me think of +a feminine cat, licked, sitting on a cushion. Indifferent +and mysterious, but cozy.”</p> + +<p>Lilah enjoyed this admiration; she knew that she +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_31">[Pg 31]</span>possessed in an unusual degree the qualities which +Grace Fuller lacked; she could be seductive because +she had no particular sense of humor. Grace Fuller +was the sort of woman who keeps her emotions under +lock and key because she knows that she is ridiculous, +that all emotion is ridiculous. She waited for some +one to smash in her defenses and rescue her hidden +self. In the meantime, she leaned on the door, fearful. +But Lilah was a naked heart behind a grill.</p> + +<p>With a sudden impulse, Lilah said: “Come, then! +There are two bedrooms.... I pay sixty-five a +month.... I’ve got to do something ... make +hats ... dance.... We’ll manage.”</p> + +<p>They lighted cigarettes and sat, talking, watching +each other, until midnight.</p> + +<hr class="tb"> + +<p>Grace Fuller moved in—her two trunks and a neat +bag were put in the room which had been Mr. Norris’. +At once, an array of toilet articles appeared on +the bureau—cosmetics and perfumes of very good +make in crystal bottles, small, opaque boxes of rouge +and lip sticks in metal cases. Miss Fuller had a passion +for cosmetics, but she did not look like a woman +who painted; her skin was her only claim to seduction, +and the faint odor of perfume was an indication +of her restraint. She was virginal, and, in her exaggerated +loneliness, abnormal. She shut the door of +her room against Lilah, and only emerged, fully +dressed and curled, for formal conversation.</p> + +<p>She left the apartment early in the morning and returned, +often, late at night, dog-tired, but unflinching.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_32">[Pg 32]</span></p> + +<p>Lilah made one attempt to get work to do. She +had heard that one of the fashionable men dressmakers +wanted a designer. His shop, an entire house +in the East Fifties, was furnished in the exotic manner +of Poiret’s establishment in Paris. His mannequins +inevitably graduated to the stage, or to society. +Diana, Kitty, Carmencita ... opulent, tall girls with +the hands and arms of goddesses.... Something +about this man’s manner had always attracted Lilah. +He made the exploitation of feminine vanity an enormously +profitable business. She went to see him, relying +on the poetic little hat and her manner to carry +her past the guardians of his privacy to the inner sanctum, +his office, a room decorated by Chanler.</p> + +<p>She found the approach unexpectedly easy. He +was seated behind a desk. She was surprised, upset, +by his youth and his concise greeting:</p> + +<p>“Won’t you sit down?”</p> + +<p>“Thank you.”</p> + +<p>“You are interested in a wardrobe? It is not the +season. But there are a few models....”</p> + +<p>“No. I am a designer. Hats. I want a position +with you.”</p> + +<p>“There is no opening.”</p> + +<p>“I thought....</p> + +<p>“Your experience?”</p> + +<p>“None. I have good taste....”</p> + +<p>“I see! That hat?”</p> + +<p>“Lanvin.”</p> + +<p>“Ah.”</p> + +<p>“But I am talented, myself.”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_33">[Pg 33]</span></p> + +<p>“You know Paris?”</p> + +<p>“Very well.”</p> + +<p>“You are hard up?”</p> + +<p>With a flash of anger, Lilah said: “Yes. I am. I +want a job.”</p> + +<p>“You shouldn’t have come to me. I am a busy +man. Why didn’t you see Mr. O’Connor or Mrs. +Frazer, at the work-rooms?” He wrote something on +a card and tossed it across the desk. “There! If +there’s room in the shop, they’ll give you a chance.... +First, you must learn to put hats together. +Later, perhaps, you can design them.”</p> + +<p>Lilah rose. She did not take the card. She felt +his eyes, shrewd, appraising, absolutely without illusion, +slide over her—it was a physical, a nauseating +attachment.</p> + +<p>“Thank you,” she said.</p> + +<p>“Not at all.” He waved his hand. His expression +changed. He dismissed her. “Good morning.”</p> + +<hr class="tb"> + +<p>She postponed reality. There seemed to be no incentive, +no immediate need; she was strangely lulled. +She had, for years, searched for something vital, something +with which to satisfy her restless longing for +perfection. She had failed. There was nothing ahead +that she could not, now, recognize as dull, inevitable, +beyond her capacity for patient endurance.</p> + +<p>She was afraid of death, but she believed that, once +dead, she would be thoroughly dead. As a child, she +had had an overdose of religion; her mother had fed +her all the gloomy details of the orthodox legend; on +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_34">[Pg 34]</span>the other hand, she had been conscious that her father, +secretly, knew better. It was the old tragedy of +credulity, Santa Claus and the cotton beard.</p> + +<p>Her dreams were deeper, more hidden than is usual +with women. She wanted love but not what she called +suburban love. She secretly desired a man who would +be indifferent to her contempt and beyond the reach +of her irony. She could imagine herself in love, but +the co-protagonist was always featureless; she invariably +built her romance about her own personality. +She was forever clothing herself in the garments of +romance and falling in love with herself.</p> + +<hr class="tb"> + +<p>Robert Peabody reëntered her life a week after the +relation with Grace Fuller had been established.</p> + +<p>He came one evening when the two women were +together, Lilah sewing at some impractical square of +brocade, Grace Fuller, her narrow feet elevated, smoking +a cigarette in an amber holder. She had watched +a man die that afternoon—an old man whose pet particular +nurse and slave she had been for six months. +Yet there was no sign of relaxation, of discouragement. +Her pessimism was too deep, established, like +some physical disease—slowly, she was hardening in +the mold fate had made for her.</p> + +<p>Robert Peabody was embarrassed and jovial. Lilah +found him amusing because, for the first time, she +saw that another woman really wanted him.</p> + +<p>While he talked, as usual, about his dogs, Grace +Fuller watched him. Her scrutiny, deep, unswerving, +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_35">[Pg 35]</span>made Lilah conscious that he was, in a way, handsome. +Always well-dressed, he had the deft outlines +of a man accustomed to luxury; and his bland good +humor was the result of an existence devoid of anxiety. +His appendix had been the outstanding complication, +so far. Something of his grandfather’s looks had +passed to him; he had the high nose with flaring nostrils. +But his eyes were his mother’s and hers the +rather sensitive and melancholy mouth.</p> + +<p>He liked these two women. They were outside his +sphere. He “played about” with the women who lived +near Peabody’s Point, women he had watched grow +up from spoiled little girls into a casual maturity; +he had flirted with all of them, had seen them married +and had settled into the bantering familiarity of +the cherished bachelor in a “young married” community.</p> + +<p>Whatever he felt, inwardly, he was outwardly an +inflexible optimist. Lilah wondered whether he saw +Grace Fuller’s eyes, whether, if he saw, he could appreciate +the extent, the danger, of that dedication. +And she remembered, with an unexpected excitement, +how he had kissed her arm.</p> + +<p>She went on sewing, bending her head so that the +light from the lamp would fall on her hair. Her soft +abstraction, her air of modesty and domestic content, +drew him away from Grace Fuller. He leaned forward +to finger the stuff she was making into a useless +and ornamental bag, and she explained that the +brocade came from a shop in Florence where the copying +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_36">[Pg 36]</span>of ancient materials was a specialty. This was +the robe of Boticelli’s Primavera, a delicate scattering +of small flowers on a background of cream silk.</p> + +<p>Grace Fuller rose suddenly and went into her bedroom.</p> + +<p>“Don’t flirt with me,” Lilah said. “Miss Fuller +won’t like it.”</p> + +<p>He flushed. “You’re quite mistaken.”</p> + +<p>“You told me you were ‘sweet’ on her.”</p> + +<p>“I am. But I can flirt with you all the same.”</p> + +<p>Already, they had the manner of conspirators. +Robert lowered his voice and said: “Will you dine +with me? To-morrow? Say ‘yes.’ I’m going back +to the Point on Friday. We’ll take a hansom to +the Park and eat there. What do you say?”</p> + +<p>Lilah whispered: “Yes. I’ll be ready at five. Not +later.”</p> + +<p>The door opened and Grace Fuller came in again. +She caught the quick lifting of Robert’s head, his +smile, at once embarrassed and triumphant. She +knew him so well that her heart ached for this duplicity; +she could even pity him for having had to +hurt her. But she said nothing.</p> + +<p>When he had gone, she spoke from the doorway +to Lilah, who was winding rough, colored threads +about cardboard spools.</p> + +<p>“I wonder if you know what love is? Oh, you +can imagine it! You think about it a lot! But do +you know? The pain.... Exhausting.... Of +trying to pour yourself into a man’s consciousness.... +And then being stupid. Hurting him—pushing +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_37">[Pg 37]</span>him off.... Pretending.... Because you’re +ashamed of wanting.... Killing what you want. +Not wanting what you want until you’ve lost it....”</p> + +<p>“That’s a bit excessive,” Lilah said. “You’re morbid, +aren’t you? I could make any man happy by +learning to understand him. If he liked mystery, I’d +be mysterious. If he wanted a pal, I’d pal. To the +limit.”</p> + +<p>“Could you be domestic?”</p> + +<p>“Certainly.”</p> + +<p>Miss Fuller laughed that short, dry and brittle +laugh. “What we all say! Pretend to be clay for +the molding. Other women nag. We wouldn’t! +Other women suffer jealousy. We wouldn’t! Other +women fail in the little illusions and go about in curl-papers +and a mask of cold cream, without their mental +corsets. We wouldn’t! But married.... Well, +it’s positively thrilling to observe the similitude of +women.... Marriage is a sort of antiphlogistine—it +brings out all the lurking devils.”</p> + +<p>“How do you know?”</p> + +<p>“I’ve observed ... remember, I am a nurse. The +shades up and the light of day on the domestic +drama....”</p> + +<p>Lilah said suddenly: “I may take your Robert away +from you.”</p> + +<p>Miss Fuller seemed to consider. “I see what you +mean. I’m jealous!” She shook her head. “Robert +isn’t the man for you. He isn’t a snob. And you +are. I mean, you care a great deal about things +Robert never notices. At the Point he goes about +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_38">[Pg 38]</span>like a hired man in a pair of corduroy trousers and +an old green sweater. He’s lazy. And sometimes he +says stupid things....”</p> + +<p>“What?” Lilah asked sharply.</p> + +<p>She felt a sharp pang of irritability slip into her +consciousness, edged. Her eyes were lowered; her +fingers flew around the cardboard spools.</p> + +<p>“Oh, he’s full of platitudes. He collects stamps. +He reads the wrong books, and he wants children.”</p> + +<p>“Does he?” Lilah’s voice was cool. The inflection +was iced.</p> + +<p>The thought crossed her mind that perhaps Grace +Fuller had lived with Robert. This was at once a +revelation and a weapon. She glanced up. With a +look both appraising and sympathetic, she studied +that worn, disillusioned face, in which the charm of +a blonde freshness had given way to a shadow, a +premonition of old age. Vaguely distinguished, aloof, +sharp and bitter, she had a tender mental surface. +Lilah knew that she herself could control Grace +Fuller’s opinions; she was not afraid of her tongue; +the woman was quivering under the skin.</p> + +<p>“I see what you’re thinking,” Grace Fuller said. +“It isn’t true. I’ve loved, but not Robert—that way. +You won’t believe me. He’s decent, as men have forgotten +how to be decent.... Lilah, let me have +him!”</p> + +<p>She crossed the room suddenly and stood before +Lilah with her hands clenched at her sides, her face +strained. “I love him!” she cried.</p> + +<p>Lilah tossed the silks upon the table. “Nonsense,” +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_39">[Pg 39]</span>she said crisply. “I don’t want your Robert! He’s +a fearful bore. He’s flat. He moves about on the +face of the earth like a wet beetle. Grace, you’re +biased. You’re lop-sided. You’re hypnotized by his +morality—or his money! You’re making yourself +ridiculous and Robert is flattered. He doesn’t intend +to marry you. It’s too comfortable to know that he +can make you suffer. Why not make him suffer? +Men don’t appreciate martyrdom. You look like an +old woman, at thirty. Am I unkind? I don’t mean +to be. I’m awfully fond of you.... I tell you, I +don’t want your Robert.... But I can’t help it if +he should happen to fall in love with me.... Men +do those things. They love the wrong woman.... +If you didn’t care.... If you could....”</p> + +<p>She broke off.</p> + +<p>“Let’s go to bed. I’m tired. He tires me. I tell +you he bores me. Let’s not talk about him.”</p> + +<p>Without a word, Grace Fuller went into her room +and shut the door.</p> + +<p>In a few minutes she came out again. She had +brushed her hair back from her forehead, and had +a startled, innocent look. She kept rubbing cold +cream into her face and neck with little upward, crawling +motions of her finger-tips. She wore a corduroy +wrapper and felt slippers. Lilah noticed that her feet +were narrow and bony, like a priest’s. Her elbows +were sharp. Her shoulders were too narrow.... +Lilah felt round and cozy and soft. She felt warm; +her flesh delighted her. She thought how delicious she +must look, sitting there with her feet in high-heeled +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_40">[Pg 40]</span>slippers tucked under her. She was sorry, in a comfortable +sort of way, for Grace Fuller. She wanted, +at that moment, to help her, to give her some of her +own warmth and brilliance, to bring her into the circle +of her inevitable success.... She saw herself making +it very delightful for Grace Fuller at Peabody’s +Point. “My dear Grace, Robert loves to have you.... +He is so fond of you. You must stay as long +as you can!” Perhaps giving her some decent clothes.... +She would be quite smart in simple things, with +eccentric hats and bizarre ornaments....</p> + +<p>Grace Fuller rubbed the cream into her finger-nails +with the absorption she put into doing all unimportant +things, as if performing a rite. As Lilah had +never seen her out of the formality of curled hair +and rouge, she felt a vague embarrassment.</p> + +<p>“I wanted to say,” Grace Fuller remarked presently, +“that we mustn’t have a misunderstanding. +You’re more important to me than Robert.”</p> + +<p>“I tell you, I don’t want him,” Lilah repeated.</p> + +<hr class="tb"> + +<p>She dressed carefully for her meeting with Robert. +The Chinese hat had lost some of its novelty, but she +had added a French veil.... She was almost, literally, +penniless.</p> + +<p>At five o’clock Robert Peabody arrived. He was +eager, flushed.</p> + +<p>A shiny hansom-cab, deliciously out of balance, precarious, +waited at the curb. A group of curious small +boys gaped at this contrivance, and, as Lilah and +Robert crossed the sidewalk, a window was thrown +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_41">[Pg 41]</span>up and a burst of laughter floated down to them. +Lilah was acutely conscious; Robert unaware. He +had the fine indifference of the wealthy to other people’s +little humiliations. She had a momentary feeling +of defeat. He was infinitely removed. He intended, +probably, to treat her as he had treated Grace +Fuller....</p> + +<p>Then, abruptly, her mood changed.</p> + +<p>The cab turned uptown; the rhythmic clop of hoofs, +the remote and cushioned cabin, like a sedan on +wheels, her own youth.... Suddenly everything was +desirable, delightful. This was what she wanted, +deserved....</p> + +<p>She began to sparkle. She was so intimate, so gay, +that Robert Peabody’s rather stolid expression changed +to one of amazed delight in her. He turned around; +their eyes met. She noticed that his eyes were not +blue, but hazel, very clear and wide open. She +pressed her shoulder against him, and he became +aware of a delicate odor of sandalwood. They +laughed a good deal. Because she thought that he +would not be interested in her European experiences, +she talked about the rare summers she had spent in +American resorts. She spoke of her “good tennis +arm” and how an Indian had taught her to handle a +paddle. As a matter of fact, she was an indifferent +sport. But she could imagine herself doing all these +things. She believed she had done them.</p> + +<p>Robert Peabody discovered a new eloquence. He +had an admirable passion for the out-of-doors. It +kept him, he said, from drinkin’. In New York, he +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_42">[Pg 42]</span>gave way in that point. Prohibition was a good thing—he’d +be the last person to interfere with such a +colossal experiment. But any one who could afford +to drink, drank. He did. He supposed he wasn’t a +good American. He never had been, in a literal sense. +Politics didn’t exactly get under his skin; the country +muddled through without him. He had his property, +his dogs, his friendships, his conviction of an inalienable +right to these possessions. If there should be +social changes, upheavals, revolutions, he would accept +whatever came. He believed in going with the +times, never bucking the trend, whatever it was.</p> + +<p>The war hadn’t interfered with this facile philosophy; +he had accepted the fact that the world was +fighting mad, stark crazy, gibbering. A phase. It +had happened before; it would happen again. He +couldn’t stop it by stating a preference for open fields +and dogs. So, he had gone to the first officers’ camp, +and had agreed cheerfully to whatever “authority” +said. A knack for details, hitherto undiscovered, had +landed him in the ordnance and he had worn silver +chevrons in cheerful glory at Rochester, New York. +Captain Peabody!</p> + +<p>“Now it’s over, I am back where I want to be. The +world hasn’t changed much. I don’t understand all +this talk about a new consciousness. Men won’t +change, either. We had our chance when Wilson +went to Paris. But the recoil didn’t surprise me. We +aren’t ready for practical idealism. You and I—people +who see what might be—aren’t a drop in the +bucket of public feeling. We’re swamped by millions +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_43">[Pg 43]</span>of frightened ignoramuses. They’ll swing back to +the doddering conservatives, bleating for normalcy. +They’ll get it! We’re in for another Dark Age.”</p> + +<p>“Don’t you care?”</p> + +<p>“No. I never believed in the pet illusions we +fought for, anyway. Civilization has always tickled +my sense of humor. There are certain unchangeable, +satisfactory things—well, dogs! And days when you +can smell the sea, sweet, like flowers, blowing in over +the fields. September days! I’d stack ’em up +against every bloody war for supremacy, the confounded +conceit of man—I’m talking like a poet. I’m +not a poet. I’m lazy. I like peace, and plenty to +eat.”</p> + +<p>He laughed. “And you. I like you. You’re cute +as the devil.”</p> + +<p>Lilah turned to him again and let him see the curve +of her lips. She had never been more vivacious. The +city flowed by the cab windows with a dignity impossible +in a motor, taking place, not as kaleidoscopic +flashes in a cubistic ensemble, but as buildings, towers, +parks and people. In the wide brilliance of Madison +Square there was time to value the great campanile +soaring out of the feathery green of the park into a +bland sky.... Then, more slowly, up the long incline +to the Library, where the lions seemed to gaze +down their noses over invisible spectacles; they had, +Lilah remarked, a sort of haughty senility—Grand +Army of the Republic lions about to recite the “Battle +of Gettysburg.” One of them had worn a rakish +snow hat during a February blizzard, the other a +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_44">[Pg 44]</span>white blanket about his middle, like a pet poodle in +a wooly-wooly....</p> + +<p>Lilah found the city astonishingly beautiful—but +something held her from telling Robert Peabody so. +He would not have shared her delight in the unfinished +masterpiece. New York, to him, was simply +New York; like so many New Yorkers, he suffered +from a familiarity with marvels. Lilah found it both +monstrous and audacious. She had always tasted +cities as a connoisseur tastes wine. Now, in this slate-blue +twilight, she shivered with pleasure. The lava-stream +of motors filled the air with a sort of luxurious +purring; it seemed to Lilah that the hidden springs +of vitality within herself had begun to vibrate, to +hum, like harp strings; she was vibrant. If some +one would write a grand opera, not in the manner of +“Louise,” not lyric, amorous, but metallic, about New +York! The leit-motif, a theme of feverish, restless +striving. The minor melodies, machines, riveters, +steam jets, whistles, sirens, bells, six million human +voices—unceasing, beating against the human heart +like the tom-tom of African drums. The sets ... +from a window, streets like Sienese back-alleys enormously +exaggerated. Vast, tilting walls. A few +lights on the face of the cañon. Weight of stone and +steel and swaying towers. Or, a bloodless avenue of +square monoliths, imposing, imponderable, significant....</p> + +<p>The cab turned into the Plaza, so long an upheaval +of derricks, mud, French Gothic and erratic statuary, +now settled into a beauty of its own, and Robert Peabody +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_45">[Pg 45]</span>said: “Shall we stop here? Or do you prefer +the Park?”</p> + +<p>Lilah preferred the Park.</p> + +<p>They dined out-of-doors, their faces close together +over a narrow table. She found him more attractive +here. He had a genial yet vigorous manner of dealing +with waiters and hat-boys, an almost aristocratic +indifference to publicity and he did not, after calling +her “cute as the devil,” come back to the attack. He +let her see that he was aware of the privilege of her +company. There were other women in the restaurant; +a startlingly brunette girl in black satin which made +her look, Lilah thought, like a wet cod-fish, sat almost +at his elbow, yet he disposed of her, and her seduction, +with a glance. He ordered planked shad and +regretted that there was no white wine; at the Point, +he had over a thousand bottles of Sauterne....</p> + +<p>“I want to meet your grandfather,” Lilah interrupted.</p> + +<p>“He would like you. He doesn’t like Grace +Fuller.”</p> + +<p>“Why?”</p> + +<p>Robert’s face puckered. “I don’t know.”</p> + +<p>Lilah said quickly, in a way she had of disposing +of things: “She’s not quite sane. She will never be +contented. She’s such a darling ... but she takes +life too seriously. She depresses me. She’s like white +grass growing in a dark place.... I don’t know.... +Yes, I do know. She’s a celibate. I hope she’ll never +marry. For her own sake. But more for the man’s. +I’d pity a man who found that instead of a woman +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_46">[Pg 46]</span>he had an obstinate, distorted idea in his arms. Not +love at all, but a misconception of love. She wants +experience but runs away from it—she curls her hair +and rouges and then hides.”</p> + +<p>“I like her,” Peabody said. “But I don’t pretend +to understand her. Perhaps you are right.”</p> + +<p>“I know I’m right.”</p> + +<p>She dismissed Grace Fuller and set about captivating +this rather ponderous intelligence. Again, she relied +on her quickness, her intuition, her adroit penetration. +He had been, evidently, upset by mention +of Grace Fuller; either he had a sense of responsibility +or he was annoyed by Lilah’s analysis. His +was a basic honesty and loyalty. She changed the +subject to herself. She could see that she excited +him; he was, she had heard from Grace Fuller, accustomed +to women who preferred sport clothes and +who rode to hounds; he had been brought up in a +society which imitated, on a smaller, more restricted +scale, the life of the English counties. He had had no +intellectual companionship. He could not juggle with +the stock phrases of the <i>cognoscenti</i>; he was too simple, +or too indifferent, to acquire a modern vocabulary +of names and cults, movements and personalities. +But she could stir his imagination with herself, her +decisive manner, her melting eyes, the little upward +turn of her mouth, as if, always, she wanted to be +kissed. She felt him leaning toward her, absorbed. +She knew how to make what she said audacious, and, +by a subtle turn, to leave the implication in doubt. +She suggested desire without feeling it. This was a +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_47">[Pg 47]</span>part of what other people called her “technique.” +She was not unaware of it, but she did not consider +that it was something she ought to be ashamed of. +Rather, it gave her an inestimable advantage.</p> + +<p>After dinner they walked through the park, their +arms and shoulders touching in the darkness. There +was everywhere a subdued gurgle of water in shallow +basins or lipping the banks of the lake. Couples +passed, drifting, close together, with a murmur of +voices. The blatant artificiality of the landscape was +blurred, softened, gathered into somber walls of vegetation, +threaded with globes of light. Groups of +people passed in and out of the shadows, made mysterious, +dignified by an unreality that had about it +something of the theater. Faces glimpsed in passing +were indefinite; the sound of feet on the asphalt paths, +the murmur of voices were Venetian, melancholy....</p> + +<p>Robert Peabody drew her arm through his. At +Eighty-fifth Street, as they crossed the road, he raised +his cane and signalled for a cab. Lilah sank back +with a little sigh.</p> + +<p>“This is comfortable! Let’s drive.”</p> + +<p>Suddenly his arm went about her shoulders. She +was surprised at the strength, the violence of his +grasp.</p> + +<p>“You’re adorable. Let me kiss you.”</p> + +<p>She shook her head. “No.”</p> + +<p>But he bent down, kissed her, once, twice, a dozen +times. She was breathless, angry, frightened, but +helpless in the circle of his arm. “Don’t! Don’t!” +she said. “Please. Here....”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_48">[Pg 48]</span></p> + +<p>She heard him say: “I love you. I want you to +marry me.”</p> + +<p>Her heart contracted. How on earth had this happened? +What would the driver think of such a scene? +This was what, all along, she had wanted. He had +everything ... everything.... Something in his +eyes, his voice, husky, shaken, made her know that +he loved her. It would be easy to manage him.... +Love.... She couldn’t expect to kiss him like that +at once. As always, she shrank from contact. But +if she....</p> + +<p>“Answer. Open your eyes.”</p> + +<p>She made a struggle to throw into her expression +something ardent, convincing. And lifting her face, +she kissed him. She need not say, at once, the words +he expected. She was not as dishonest as that.... +A wave of feeling, relief, excitement, went over her. +His head fell back, down again, on her shoulder. He +was, suddenly, weak, surrendered to his emotion. She +saw the back of his neck, his close, blonde hair. The +intimacy of their attitude assailed her and she pushed +him away.</p> + +<p>“Not here. Later....”</p> + +<p>“You’ll marry me?”</p> + +<p>“Yes. Yes.”</p> + +<p>She lifted her arms and straightened her hat. Then +she felt her hand seized and his lips fastened on her +fingers, hungry, insatiable....</p> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> +<div class="chapter"> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_49">[Pg 49]</span></p> + + + <h2 class="nobreak" id="III"> + III + </h2> +</div> + + +<p class="dropcap"><span class="upper-case">Lilah</span> was afraid to tell Grace Fuller that she +had promised to marry Robert Peabody. Her +conscience, an inconsistent element in her nature, +disturbed her to the extent of making her irritable. +She went to her room without saying good +night.</p> + +<p>She was trembling with excitement and could not +sleep. Instead, wrapped in a kimono, she paced the +floor, seeing her white face at intervals in the oval +mirror of her dressing-table.</p> + +<p>What would her life be with Robert Peabody? Not +what she had dreamed, certainly. She would have +the scope money affords. But not the pride of love; +she would always be a little ashamed of Robert. She +did not know why, exactly. To justify her acceptance +of him, she assured herself that she could change +him, pour him out of his mold into hers. Yet she shivered +with apprehension. He might guess her lack of +feeling and grow cold himself. Men wanted love, the +gestures and jealousies, the unconsidered, delicious +abandonments, passion. She could never give him +this. And she would miss the wild sweetness, the +danger, the pain of love that is mutual, acknowledged. +But she wanted ease....</p> + +<p>She paused to stare at herself. Perhaps she was +wrong. There might not be love of that sort. Perhaps +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_50">[Pg 50]</span>she was giving Robert all that he, or any man, +expected—her prettiness, her charm, her youth. He +must be forty. He had had experience—but, good +heavens, she couldn’t be jealous! Only he mustn’t +go on; if she married him, he must be loyal....</p> + +<p>Pacing the room again, she pictured herself in possession, +at last, of security. It was humiliating to +battle with poverty when you had no wits with which +to pull yourself out; if she had been one of those +clever girls who stalk success, on the stage, in studios, +newspaper offices, shops.... She hadn’t their courage +or their audacity; she despised struggle.</p> + +<p>Persistently, the idea returned, that she was cheating. +She recalled, with a shudder, an instinctive recoil, +his attitude as he bent over her hands—it had +been both supplicating and possessive.</p> + +<p>What she was doing was immoral, wrong. She had +been brought up to believe that such a step leads to +good, old-fashioned perdition, hell, damnation and +brim-stone. Experience had taught her that in all +probability she would suffer, but that if she were clever +she could balance the advantage against the price; +wealth against Robert, love against comfort; she threw +her charm in, to square the account. She could be +generous on that score. She would dress remarkably +well; she would create an interesting atmosphere, and +if Robert did not know the most entertaining personalities +in New York, she would get them together; +before long, she would be a famous hostess. In just +that, her ability to attract people, lay her genius. She +could, given the means, make living an art, create, +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_51">[Pg 51]</span>out of places and people, something unique and memorable, +as Lorenzo of the Medici had made his pages, +his poets, his ladies and his gardens into an immortal +legend. Why not? American literature had recently +exploited the soda-water clerk and the corner +groceryman, the farmer, the traveling salesman, the +immigrant and the crook. No one was interested in +the spiritual reactions of that almost extinct dodo, +the gentleman. Nothing was art that did not deal +with a profane ape groping for the stars and missing +them! The more interesting and complex society was +overlooked in this effort to capture the soul of what +Lilah called the proletariat; it proved, this soul, as +elusive as a flea. One was left with the conviction +that the country was populated by illiterate sensualists—a +vast, imponderable mediocrity. There was no +one else. The fine flower had withered in the clutches +of this overwhelming parasite. An inchoate fumbling +at the foundations ... a wail of protest ... ignorance +and braggadocio....</p> + +<p>Or else, they advertised the flapper, the country-club +habitué, the pathological spinster and the cad. +Society was constantly being reminded that it was +rotten. Novelists were what David Brenner had called +himself, alley-cats pawing over garbage. Apparently, +the brave and the witty, the poetic, the exquisite were, +for artistic purposes, fresh sardines. The cry was for +Truth, and the whole pack ignored any truth that +was not putrefied, or, at least, stale....</p> + +<p>Lilah thought: “I can do something to change this.”</p> + +<p>The idea trailed off into a vision, a spectacle, a kind +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_52">[Pg 52]</span>of entertainment in which she played the leading rôle. +She saw the house she would have in New York. Herself, +in gray brocade trimmed at the neck and hem +with fur, her feet in brocaded slippers, advancing +across an immense, glowing room, her hand outstretched....</p> + +<hr class="tb"> + +<p>She did not want to hurt Grace Fuller. At breakfast +she shivered with dread. It would be like putting +poison in a cat’s milk. She expected to see Grace +Fuller actually foam and shriek and stiffen and then +stretch out dead on the kitchen floor, her bang in curl +and the pallor of her cheeks brushed faintly with expensive +rouge.</p> + +<p>Lilah was very tender. She made pop-overs and +cooked the hominy in a double boiler. She hovered +over Grace Fuller, who ate with precision, as if she +were afraid of exuberance, as if, Lilah thought, she +were guarding herself against some strain of hysteria.</p> + +<p>Lilah said suddenly: “Robert asked me to marry +him last night. I said I would. I know you’ll think +I’m a liar. I didn’t really want him yesterday morning! +When he kissed me—I did.”</p> + +<p>Miss Fuller went on buttering a slice of toast. She +did it thoroughly. Then she said in an absolutely +unchanged voice: “What are you going to do for a +trousseau?”</p> + +<p>Lilah flushed crimson. To cover her relief, she +opened the oven door. She had expected something +more—more feminine. She said: “I thought you +cared.”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_53">[Pg 53]</span></p> + +<p>“I do.... I learned certain things in France. +One of them was not to care too much.”</p> + +<p>“I didn’t know you went to France, Grace.”</p> + +<p>“Three years.... And things like this happened.... +At Soissons there was a French boy, about +twenty-two years old. He looked nineteen. They +brought him in with a wound in his abdomen—he told +me, that first day, that he had looked down at himself +and had seen his own intestine. He was going +to die. They all said so. We were being shelled, and +every night we had to carry the wounded into the +cellar. He couldn’t be moved. And while all the +rest of them cried out and groaned or made a joke +of it, he said nothing. The wards were dark. They +let me have a baby flash which I held under my apron, +and I used to run back to him. Sometimes the racket +was fearful—that long howl and screech of shells +passing over. Sometimes it was quiet as the tomb. +I was never sure whether that boy was alive until I +saw his eyes, blue, steady, patient, asking me to pull +him through.... Well, I did! He was my case. +He got well. The day came when he was out in the +garden in a chair, and then he was in uniform again, +going home....”</p> + +<p>Grace Fuller shrugged her shoulders. “I cared. +Terribly. It was my own little victory. He was a +brave boy. I used to gloat over the fact that I had +cheated death.... Then, one night, a year later, +they brought him in again. I was standing in the +hall when the ambulances came. There had been a +drive and we had our hands full. Suddenly I saw +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_54">[Pg 54]</span>him. His stretcher was sopping with blood. He had +gone back as an observer and his plane had been shot +down ... he was riddled. But he knew me. And +again he asked me to see him through. <i>I couldn’t!</i> +He died there, in the hall ... my victory! And I +had to see those patient eyes fill up with distrust, with +protest, with a sort of mocking challenge, as he felt +himself slipping out of my arms into that red tide....”</p> + +<p>She rose, folding her napkin into a neat square.</p> + +<p>“Since then, I haven’t let myself care.”</p> + +<p>“How did you stand it?”</p> + +<p>“What?”</p> + +<p>“The war.”</p> + +<p>“I didn’t stand it. I changed my nature.”</p> + +<p>Lilah said: “I wanted to do something—help.... +But the women over here acted so badly I was +ashamed.... They seemed to enjoy, some of them, +all the risk and death. You’d see them rushing down +the library steps, their faces red, clutching at men, +trying to drag them into it: ‘You’re going to fight, +aren’t you? Why aren’t <i>you</i> in khaki?’ And then +the Liberty drives ... a sort of circus parade of +ambulances, stretchers, posters smeared with blood, +pictures of atrocities—that terrible one by George +Bellows, of a massacre at Dinard.... People were +excited. They took a sort of morbid pleasure. I +wanted to stay out of it and hold on to sanity, if I +could. It never ‘got’ me. And when the wounded +began to arrive, it was worse. One of the doctors at +Greenhut’s told me that they had to force the women +out. They weren’t all of them sympathetic; they +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_55">[Pg 55]</span>wanted to look at the wounded. The way a crowd +rushes to an accident.... Morbid. Even the women +who danced with the soldiers and sailors and knitted +in the theaters struck me as ridiculous.... I hated +it.”</p> + +<p>“It was better in France.”</p> + +<p>A silence fell and Lilah’s cheeks burned again. She +rolled the sleeves of her dress above her elbows and +began to clear the table. Miss Fuller stood, rigid +and uncompromising. Presently, in her usual precise +voice, she said: “If you are going to marry Robert, +you’ll have to have some clothes. Have you any +money?”</p> + +<p>“No.”</p> + +<p>“How much would you need to see you through? +I have saved a little. I’ll let you have it.”</p> + +<p>“I can’t allow you to do that.”</p> + +<p>“Why not?”</p> + +<p>“I’ve hurt you——”</p> + +<p>“No, you haven’t.” Unexpectedly, she put her +arms around Lilah. “I want you to be happy. I admire +you enormously.”</p> + +<p>Lilah hugged her. “Darling Grace! After all, it’s +better that I should have him. You’ve got strength, +and I haven’t. Left alone, I’d sink.”</p> + +<p>“Oh, I’ll swim,” Grace Fuller admitted. “Women +like me always do! We give the impression of +strength because we have our imaginations under control. +I’m as helpless as you are, but I won’t admit it. +The men of my family were all farmers. From them, +perhaps, I got my tolerance. I can’t blame you. I +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_56">[Pg 56]</span>wish I could! I can’t blame Robert. I have none +of the usual feminine eagerness to blame men for +everything that goes wrong. You probably think I +have no standards. I haven’t. I understand too +well.”</p> + +<p>She went into the other room and came back wearing +her hat, with a rather dog-eared fur neck-piece +clasped under her chin; in high, tight collars she had +the swan-like look of Consuela. Lilah was deeply +sorry for her. For the moment she felt herself inferior.</p> + +<p>“I can let you have five hundred dollars, Lilah. +Don’t tell Robert.”</p> + +<p>The telephone rang. They looked at each other +with a glance stripped naked of pretense.</p> + +<p>“Go. It’s Robert.”</p> + +<p>“No! No!”</p> + +<p>“Hurry! Please.”</p> + +<p>Lilah went. She put the receiver to her ear with +a certain dread, a reluctance.</p> + +<p>And she heard Robert’s voice, vibrant, saying: +“Lilah? Sweetheart! I want you to meet me for +lunch. We’ll buy that ring. What d’you say?” He +broke off. “Is Grace there?”</p> + +<p>“No,” Lilah said distinctly.</p> + +<p>She turned her head and saw the door closing.</p> + +<p>“No,” she repeated. “I’m alone.”</p> + +<hr class="tb"> + +<p>Lilah was married a month later, in Junius Peabody’s +house at the Point.</p> + +<p>She had had an overwhelming four weeks. Grace +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_57">[Pg 57]</span>Fuller’s five hundred dollars had no more than cleared +the first hurdle. When Robert Peabody asked her +whether she wanted pearls or a bandeau of diamonds, +she had replied: “I prefer the money. I don’t care +for jewels, and there are all sorts of things I want, +and need; foolish things I can’t afford.”</p> + +<p>He had given her a check for five thousand dollars.</p> + +<p>With this sum deposited and in possession of a +book of blanks smartly bound in leather, Lilah reversed +her mask of poverty. She wore, instead, her +most devastating sophistication, a fetching air of patronage +and sweetness. Her first pilgrimage was to +the gray stone house in the Fifties occupied by the +esthetic and sharp couturière who had refused her a +chance to work. She sent word to him that she was +interested, this time, in a “wardrobe.” She was +wearing a slim and expensive frock of red crêpe and +a Paisley turban. She was positively beautiful; her +slimness, her arched feet in delicate shoes, her gloves, +were dominating.</p> + +<p>The dressmaker (his name was Maurice) pretended +not to recognize her. With a bow, he led her to his +show rooms and, summoning a saleswoman, entered, +in French, into a passionate discussion of Lilah’s +height, her coloring, her possibilities. One of the +deep-skinned models trailed upon the scene in a sheath +of gold cloth, dragging behind her a tail of emerald +green chiffon. She met Lilah’s stare with an expression +totally blank, as if she were walking in her sleep. +Maurice sent for materials, yards and yards of brocade, +metallic cloth, crêpe de Chine; jade, orange, +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_58">[Pg 58]</span>violet and dull red mingled on the floor, the backs of +chairs, across lacquered screens and tables. This +profligate heap of stuffs went to Lilah’s head, but she +preserved her air of polite indifference, sitting with +crossed knees, her feet, in the elaborate, strapped +shoes, displayed.... The model, she decided, had +ugly ankles.</p> + +<hr class="tb"> + +<p>At lunch that day she told Robert of her purchases.</p> + +<p>He shook his head. “Where shall you wear them? +Peabody’s Point is a wilderness—the three houses, my +own, my father’s and my grandfather’s, a deep forest +of maples, pines and birch, and the sea! We seldom +see any one, but when we do, they come on horse-back +or by motor. It is astonishing when the women +wear evening clothes. On great occasions, a house +warming or a birthday or a dance—once, or twice, a +year—there is some show of ceremony.... You will +find us very rural.”</p> + +<p>Lilah stifled her disappointment. “Shan’t we live +in town in the winter?”</p> + +<p>“If you like. We have a house in Thirty-eighth +Street. It is closed now.”</p> + +<p>“Take me there!”</p> + +<p>The rooms were dark, and when, admitted by a caretaker, +Lilah and Robert explored the first two floors, +they found the furniture swaddled in linen, the chandeliers +wearing net veils, like Bluebeard’s brides, and +the rugs rolled back. The house was an exact example +of the New York residence of the early Eighties. +The marble mantels were surmounted by elaborate, +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_59">[Pg 59]</span>wooden fret-work, an intricacy of shelves and pilasters, +screens and grills, roosting place for those useless, +ugly and enormously expensive vases of the period. +Mirrors divided the windows and curtains of +dark red velvet were looped up, held clear of the floor +by chenille ropes. There was a multiplicity of cushions, +tables, tabourettes; paintings, in deep frames, by +Rosa Bonheur, Henner and Corot, and one luminous +and arresting Inness, a landscape with elms and a +river, sunlight and haze, russet, gold, and blue. Lilah +seized upon this as a reason for enthusiasm.</p> + +<p>“My grandfather understands pictures,” Robert explained. +“Even the modern fellows! I don’t. No +one has ever taken the trouble to explain what they’re +all about.”</p> + +<p>“Don’t you like this?”</p> + +<p>“Oh, yes. But Inness wasn’t a modern exactly.”</p> + +<p>Suddenly he put his arm through Lilah’s and said: +“You’re so clever. If I didn’t know what a darling +you are, I’d be afraid of you. I want you to teach +me all these things—what I should like, and why. I +don’t want you to be ashamed of me.”</p> + +<p>Lilah, with a pretty bend of her head, put her face +against his shoulder. She was feeling mellow, generous. +This house, a valuable property in Murray +Hill, was soon to be hers. Going from room to room, +she mentally refurnished it.</p> + +<p>“I don’t like the house,” she said frankly. “It’s +hideous—all this Victorian velvet and ebony. Horrible!”</p> + +<p>“Lilah!”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_60">[Pg 60]</span></p> + +<p>His expression warned her. “You sweet old stupid! +Of course it’s horrible.”</p> + +<p>He stammered: “It’s a sort of—of monument to +my grandmother.”</p> + +<p>“A mausoleum,” she corrected. “We’ll change it.”</p> + +<hr class="tb"> + +<p>Miss Fuller would not go to the Point for the wedding. +She had, she insisted, an important case out +of town. And, with her neat traveling bag and the +fur neck-piece, she started off the day before Lilah +left town. She had agreed to keep the apartment +and to pay the astonished agent on the first of every +month.</p> + +<p>Lilah went alone. Robert had engaged a compartment +for her; she found flowers, candy, books there; +<i>Lilah Norris</i>, written on Robert’s cards, thrust hastily +into envelopes stamped with the names of shops internationally +famous. The porter, judging from his +eagerness, had been tipped. When he closed her into +this walnut and green plush cell, he reminded her +that he would call her at five. She would be “put off” +at Peabody’s Point at five forty-five....</p> + +<p>The train moved out of the city, boring its way +through the tunnel into a twilight studded with red +and green, white and topaz-yellow flashes. A glimpse +of the river. Tall stacks. Then darkness, broken by +suburban stations, where, for an instant, people and +motors were glimpsed in a strange immobility, as if +painted on the car windows.</p> + +<p>Lilah undressed. She enjoyed the unaccustomed +luxury of her traveling things, so unlike the pack she +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_61">[Pg 61]</span>had slung across her shoulder in Switzerland. Her +night-gown was sheer batiste, scalloped, threaded with +white ribbon. She braided her hair, switched off the +light and lay on her side, staring out of the window. +The silence was clamorous, yet she could hear the +beating of her own heart. She pressed her hands +there, frightened.</p> + +<p>She was going to marriage, in which, supposedly, +she would never again be alone, like this.... Never +again alone.... She ran her hands over her body, +jealous of herself. Life, the crude fact, was unimaginable; +she was aloof; somehow, she would gain +time, hold herself for herself a little longer.... Outside +a late moon had pierced the usual smokiness of +a city sky. Trees brushed by. The odor of the +flowers sent by Robert was sickish in the close room.... +Lilah felt suddenly the weight of his affection, +his conquest. She burned with anger, with a sort of +resentment. How could he think, expect.... She +thought of running away, giving him the slip.... +They would find the compartment, the roses, his fatuous +cards, but no Lilah. No woman. She pressed +her face into the pillow and cried. She was infinitely +sorry for herself, desolate. If only she were simple! +If only she could love, accept, like other women!</p> + +<hr class="tb"> + +<p>In the morning she was happier, sustained by excitement.</p> + +<p>While she dressed, she glanced out of the window +at a northern landscape of carelessly cleared fields +now white with daisies, patches of pine and maple, +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_62">[Pg 62]</span>and, beyond, a range of hills, sharply outlined against +a clear, white sky. Puffs of air came through the +screen infinitely fresh and cool; country air. Lilah +took deep breaths.</p> + +<p>At the station, where the train stopped only long +enough to let down a grinning porter and a step, +Robert was waiting. He lifted her down, kissed her. +She was instantly conscious of a difference in him; +his coat was rough and cold; his face was red, sun-burned. +And his hair, always so smooth and well-brushed, +had blown askew, over his forehead. It got +in his eyes and he smoothed it back with an impatience, +a carelessness, new to her.</p> + +<p>“Grandfather is waiting. The early morning air +isn’t awfully good for him. He sent apologies.”</p> + +<p>He hurried her into an open motor and the robe +was adjusted about her knees. Robert drove. And +again she noticed that he was in some sense more free. +His hands on the wheel were casual but in control; +with a quick turn of his head he scanned the road +and turned north with a burst of speed startling in +a man usually so hesitant and cautious.</p> + +<p>“Five miles,” he shouted. “We live at the end of +nowhere. Our property already—all these fields. +Wait until you see the woods!”</p> + +<p>The woods were somber in the morning light, green +as trees are in stage-settings, immensely tall and close +and straight, upon a carpet of moss and fern, wintergreen +and arbutus. The road at intervals crossed a +bridle-path, now and then emerging into cleared spaces +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_63">[Pg 63]</span>where a tangle of clover, buttercups and daisies grew +lush, knee-deep.</p> + +<p>Robert brought the car to a standstill and turned +to Lilah. His face was older in an unexpected seriousness. +“This is all yours, Lilah. I am yours. +Does it mean anything to you that I love you so? +Your coming here has made me terribly happy—a +queer sort of happiness, for I can’t sleep or eat. I +ache for you. I want you to kiss me of your own +accord....”</p> + +<p>“Haven’t I, ever?”</p> + +<p>“No.”</p> + +<p>She lifted her face, but at the first light contact of +her lips, he could not have told whether she loved +him or not. He gave to the embrace all the feeling +he craved from her. She was overwhelmed, relieved. +Nothing was required of her; she need not show herself, +give herself up. Not yet.... She smiled, with +closed eyes....</p> + +<p>Suddenly he let her go. Almost violently he relaxed +his hold, so that she fell back and away from +him.</p> + +<p>“If you don’t love me, Lilah,” he said, in a dry +voice, “say so.”</p> + +<p>Lilah protested: “I do! What on earth makes you +ask?”</p> + +<p>Robert Peabody did not answer, but sat bent forward +over the wheel, as if, at a signal from her, he +would start the car and drive back to the station. His +expression was terrible; somehow, she knew that he +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_64">[Pg 64]</span>had sensed her relief in the moment just passed. She +had hurt him. It wasn’t going to be altogether +easy.</p> + +<p>In a silence made poignant by a stir of branches +and the early morning clamor of birds, she fought for +the right words, the gesture that would reassure him. +Her hand touched his sleeve, crept down to his hand +clenched on the wheel. “It is all new,” she began, +“strange.... It isn’t love so much that I feel, but +recognition ... of you, and this place ... mine +... you might be a little patient....”</p> + +<p>He bent swiftly and kissed her fingers. The car +sprang forward into the forest again.</p> + +<hr class="tb"> + +<p>She did not glimpse the sea until they were fairly +out of the wood and making a wide turn in a sort of +park, where moss and fern gave way to an incredibly +deep sward, smooth, emerald-green. She saw a +house, another, and a sparkle of water beyond. At +once she could smell the sea, kelp, sweet and sickish, +salty. Robert had not spoken, but now he turned +and said: “Here we are! Lilah! Home!”</p> + +<p>He swept into a gravel driveway and under a porte-cochère.... +She was getting out, rather faint, frightened +now that she had committed herself.... A +servant spoke to her and Robert said: “Miss Norris, +Maisie.”</p> + +<p>“How do you do, Miss Norris? I’m sure we’re all +very glad.”</p> + +<p>The hall, within, was dark—too much wood-work, +and a huge, stone mantel, top-heavy. Lilah put her +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_65">[Pg 65]</span>hand up to her hat, and, turning instinctively in search +of a mirror, found herself confronting an old man.</p> + +<p>“My grandfather,” Robert said. “This is Lilah.”</p> + +<p>Junius Peabody was tall and very handsome, at +eighty-four. He offered his hand, and Lilah, giving +her own into that dry, rather bony clasp, met his +eyes. They were black, deep-set, with something +ironic, quizzical, in their depths, like a spark of light +at the bottom of a well. He wore a heavy mustache, +perhaps to hide the leanness of his cheeks. He had +what Robert had missed, a flame of some sort, a feeling +for things, for life, for women, for beauty.</p> + +<p>“Lilah? May I?”</p> + +<p>She felt his lips on her cheek, and noticed a faint +odor of Cologne.</p> + +<p>“You must be tired. Will you breakfast with us? +Or, perhaps, later—”</p> + +<p>“Breakfast, by all means,” Lilah said. “I’m not +tired. I’m very excited and happy.”</p> + +<p>She was, inexplicably, exhilarated again. The old +man’s look had been appraising, and satisfied. He +found her delightful. She knew this, and because she +was certain that he was not easily pleased, she could +afford to be flattered. He moved at her side through +the house, across a large, cluttered room to a veranda, +where Venetian shades were half-drawn against the +brilliance of the sea in full sunlight; a table had been +set for breakfast. Geraniums in boxes hedged the +veranda on three sides. Beyond, a narrow garden +separated the house from a pebbly beach and rocks +covered with brown kelp.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_66">[Pg 66]</span></p> + +<p>“Low tide,” Junius Peabody remarked.</p> + +<p>It was not the house she had pictured. There were +no Italian gardens. But there was something substantial +and vigorously assertive in the ugly width +and spread of the wings, the turrets and verandas +and useless, expensive ornamentation. In the Eighties +this would have been a “place.” Meadows of wet +kelp mingled with the fragrant spiciness of geraniums. +A man servant in an apron, very old, with a crumpled +mouth in a pink face, brought coffee. And Robert +said: “Miss Norris, Edwin.” Lilah put just the right +shade of interest into the pronouncement of the word +“Edwin” with a rising inflection. She loved Edwin. +She loved Junius. She loved Robert. She was conscious +of being more charming, more herself, than +she had ever been in a life given over to being, always, +some one unlike the real Lilah. The real Lilah +was a delightful, amusing, affecting little person.</p> + +<p>Once over that moment of appraisal, Junius Peabody +made it plain that he approved of her.</p> + +<p>And after breakfast, brushing his mustache with +a large cambric handkerchief, he walked with her into +what he called the “greenery,” a park-like place at +the back of the house away from the sea where a gardener +worked among formal beds of Spring flowers. +“No, Robert, you stay back—I want Lilah to myself.”</p> + +<p>Robert disappeared and Lilah threw a kiss, very +prettily, at his back.</p> + +<p>“Robert would like to show you the kennels, but +that can wait.”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_67">[Pg 67]</span></p> + +<p>Lilah said impulsively: “It was good of you to let +me come here to be married. I am very alone.... +The few relatives I have are in the West, and I don’t +like any of them. They will not approve of my +marrying so soon. But my father wouldn’t care, so +why should I?”</p> + +<p>They crossed the greenery and, without comment, +Junius Peabody pointed out another house. “My +son’s. He died ten years ago. We have closed the +place. Robert didn’t like it. I’ll show you his house, +later. Although I dare say you will want to change it, +it is modern enough. This, you see, is what I call +the East Aurora period; it was built in nineteen-four, +when America was beginning to absorb the Morris +a b c’s. Inside it is worse.... Hand-tooled by Fra +Bunco....” He broke off. “What perfume is +that? Sandalwood? Delicious. My dear, we are +delighted to welcome you.” And before she could +thank him, he began again: “I am really astonished. +I didn’t expect you to be—what you are. You are +very clever; I can see that. Robert won’t understand +you, but that won’t matter if you see to it that +he isn’t humiliated. A woman must never be conspicuously +superior to her husband. I dare say you +know just what you are doing.”</p> + +<p>With a flash of anger, she said: “I am very fond +of him!”</p> + +<p>“I’m glad of that.”</p> + +<p>They came into a small grove of pines, young trees +near the sea, and on the shore, built upon the dunes, +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_68">[Pg 68]</span>she saw another, smaller house, gray-shingled with +gray blinds and stone chimneys. This, she realized, +was to be her home. At first glance, it seemed a desolate +place; there was no garden, only the white sand +blown into little hills, and glistening, thick blades of +dune grass and, beyond, the sea. Always keen to +beauty, she resented the uncompromising grayness of +the house. “The blinds should be blue,” she said +quickly, “and there should be yellow and blue awnings +and a brick terrace at the back with hydrangeas +in pots. Why not a wall on this side and turf and +some poplars?”</p> + +<p>Junius Peabody laughed. “You must ask Robert. +He will do anything you suggest. He is very much in +love with you.... I think you two will make a go +of it if you won’t be impatient. Robert will be stubborn +if you criticize him. He isn’t as simple or as +pliable as he seems, on the surface, to be. His father, +not I, was responsible for his career. My son had +no more sense of the beautiful than his house indicates; +he lived only to serve my creation, Peabody +and Sons. He never loved or needed to love. He +quite literally worked himself to death and collapsed +in harness. But he wanted Robert to do the same +thing, and, to prepare him, sent him to a boys’ school +at Territet and then to Columbia! And then, by way +of hardening him, a trip around the world! For one +year before his father died, Robert sat in an office in +the Peabody Building in Boston, staring out of the +window.... It might have been, in the end, a +tragedy.”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_69">[Pg 69]</span></p> + +<p>He took her arm. “Let’s go back. Robert will +want you, and I don’t like the sun.”</p> + +<hr class="tb"> + +<p>That night she talked to him again. A mist had +come up, opaque, chilly, and at intervals a buoy beyond +the reef tolled like a ship’s bell. A fire was +lighted in the drawing-room, and Lilah, in a gown of +disturbing simplicity, very short, faced Junius Peabody. +He had the outlines she most admired, a distinguished +thinness; his wrists and ankles were characteristic, +slender. His elegance was stressed; he had +not Robert’s unawareness; the details of Junius Peabody’s +dress were, to the least fold of a tie, considered, +epicurean. And this ceremony somehow detracted +from his age, gave him an appearance not in the least +jaunty, but vivacious. When Lilah dressed for dinner, +she chose her gown for him, not for Robert; she +had found, in Junius, an audience appreciative of +those things Robert overlooked. She thought: “While +he’s alive, I shall be happy here. I like him because +he won’t give in to being old. He never apologizes.” +She had, she knew, brought him something he longed +for and was too proud to seek, youth and the little +drama of furbelows and perfumes, ribbons and silk +stockings. She was pert enough to amuse him. He +would have despised a sentimental woman.</p> + +<p>Robert left them again. One of his favorite dogs +had developed a distemper and he went away, wrapped +in a great coat, to spend a watchful night beside a box +full of straw where the silver gray bitch lay on her +side, panting. Robert’s face was puckered with regret +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_70">[Pg 70]</span>and humiliation. “I know you’ll think I’m a +fool! But that dog’s damned sick, Lilah.”</p> + +<p>When he had gone, Junius Peabody said: “In my +day, Edwin would have sat up with the dog. Love +isn’t what it used to be.”</p> + +<p>“I don’t mind,” Lilah said. “Grace Fuller warned +me.”</p> + +<p>“She did, did she?” The old man jerked in his +chair. “Unpleasant female. I never liked her. She +made me feel that my illusions were hocus-pocus, rubbish. +As if she had spotted all my weaknesses and +could put her finger on them, the way those osteopath +chaps pick out sore spots on your spine. Here, vanity. +There, arrogance. And down the line.”</p> + +<p>He chose a cigar from a silver box at his elbow.</p> + +<p>“I don’t want the truth. At my age, it’s dangerous. +I am like a twist of paper that has gone up in flames; +the shape remains, but at a touch will crumble away.... +Excuse me, my dear. I do not often mention +my age. After all, I may live twenty years, and I +must not shrink from the dust too soon.”</p> + +<p>He reflected, with a curious gratification, that he +was at last very safe from life, because he no longer +cared what happened to him—nothing <i>could</i> happen. +He was free from his old restless curiosity, his desire +to be always in contact with experience.</p> + +<p>“You, my dear, are still seeking the unattainable. +Immeasurably superior—old age! You want big +happenings; I am content with little happenings. +Thank God, I’m not a dyspeptic ... men who understand +food never are. I’ve never bolted, like these +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_71">[Pg 71]</span>modern business men. To be appreciated, done justice, +breakfast must be given half an hour, luncheon +an hour, dinner two hours. There’s something vulgar +in this dishing up and gobbling down.... Robert +says you’re a good cook.”</p> + +<p>“I am,” Lilah admitted.</p> + +<p>“You must make something for me. Even a potato—boiled +with art—Consider the slow, the exquisite +processes of its growth! The earth must be +turned, the seed planted. Then the feathery stalks, +the white blossoms, the root upturned, the gathering.... +Some conception of the potato must be in the +seed, an immortal thought contained within the physical +means of realization. Very comforting, that idea! +It gives one at least the security of divine attention. +Could there have been, before I was at all, a picture +of me, dry as dust, tall and gaunt, with this mustache? +Perhaps! The finished product must be contained +in the germ, irrevocable, bound to materialize.”</p> + +<p>“Fatalist!” Lilah cried.</p> + +<p>“Otherwise, wouldn’t an onion grow into an oak +tree, a toad into an eagle, a mushroom into a man? +The intention must be there along with the cell structure! +Stay as you are, my dear—you are a lovely +celestial mistake, an orchid grown into a woman!”</p> + +<p>He was very particular about his cigar—a mild +panetela with an easy pull. He sliced off the tip +with a pen-knife, squeezed slowly between thumb and +forefinger, held the cigar against the light, took it between +his lips, sucked, closed his eyes, and, opening +them suddenly, applied the match.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_72">[Pg 72]</span></p> + +<p>“Havana,” he said. “I smoked my first cigar in +Hergesheimerland.... But I mustn’t go back! Old +men are always doing that, perhaps because youth +takes on a patina with years.”</p> + +<p>“Were you happy?” Lilah asked.</p> + +<p>“Never! Avid. Insatiable. Restless. Always +goaded by desire—but not happy. Now, at eighty-four, +I know how to live. I know that familiarity +is more precious than novelty, and that relaxation is +sweeter than distraction.”</p> + +<p>Lilah shook her head. “I don’t believe you. You +are as eager as I am, perhaps more so.”</p> + +<p>“The world of men is behind—the world of spirit +opens up. You don’t believe that, either. Wait until +you are alone with yourself—if you out-live your family, +as I have. My wife, Minnie, my two brothers, +my son. Robert doesn’t count. He is a remote descendant.”</p> + +<p>“You won’t die,” Lilah said.</p> + +<p>“I may,” he admitted, with a smile faintly ironic. +“Although I have always believed that I neither would +nor could! The earth is too sweet and I have loved +... everything. Other men don’t. They die complaining +of a lack, where I have found a surfeit of +beauty. For twenty years I’ve been burying people +who didn’t love enough, little disappointed people, +jealous, enraged, all of them! Because youth had +gone! Youth!”</p> + +<p>He stood up. And with that quick, faintly unsteady +gait, he went to the mantel, staring up at the +portrait of a young man in a black coat, a white waist-coat +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_73">[Pg 73]</span>and tie who sat, stiff and somehow violent, in +a red velvet chair. The thick, black brows almost +met above the bridge of the nose; the lips were full, +both sensual and ironic; the eyes small and dark. A +dark skin stained with red—</p> + +<p>“They used to say I was ‘foreign’ looking. And I +was proud of it. My wife rather disapproved.”</p> + +<p>He sat down again, stroking his chin. “Poor +Minnie! Poor girl! To be foreign wasn’t quite respectable +in the ’Sixties. But there you have me—young! +And miserable.”</p> + +<p>“Why miserable?”</p> + +<p>“What do you know about love?” he demanded +suddenly. “Pretty minx, sitting there with your cigarette, +talking to me when you should be out in the +fog with your lover. You modern women are as cold +as ice. You’re not normal. Nothing about you is +rational except your love of finery. I have a streak +of it in myself. I can remember my wife’s night +gowns where I have forgotten her opinions. You +haven’t changed in <i>that</i>. So many scents and sachets, +little scissors, sticks, powders, essences, curls, bandoline +and brilliantine, creams and rouges. Precious +things put away in drawers, wrapped in tissue-paper, +hidden in boxes! Rites of beauty! For men? For +love? Instinct? Nothing else is left—”</p> + +<p>He broke off. Lilah watched the fire-light strike +flashes in the buckles of her slippers. What an amusing +old sensualist! What was he trying to prove? +That he hadn’t loved his wife or that she didn’t love +Robert?</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_74">[Pg 74]</span></p> + +<p>“I won’t argue,” she said. “Women <i>are</i> different. +Why not? They are no longer deceived about +love....”</p> + +<p>“Ah.” He stared at her down his nose.</p> + +<p>“There isn’t time for loving nowadays.” Lilah insisted. +“Not your sort.”</p> + +<p>“My sort?”</p> + +<p>“I realize—”</p> + +<p>“What you youngsters <i>don’t</i> realize,” he interrupted, +with a touch of anger, “is that the old are +unchanged, within. The casing is rusty, but the +springs and wheels are as good as ever. What makes +us different is our nearness to death. We don’t +change, otherwise.”</p> + +<p>He rose again and beckoned to her. “Come into +the library; I want to show you something.”</p> + +<p>As she followed him, he said: “This isn’t my taste. +My wife controlled the furnishing of our houses—a +Victorian feminine prerogative.”</p> + +<p>“I know. I have seen the house in Murray +Hill.”</p> + +<p>“I never live there. It is cruelly innocent.”</p> + +<p>“May I change it?”</p> + +<p>“Of course.”</p> + +<p>“Then you aren’t sentimental.”</p> + +<p>He stroked his chin, again Lilah saw that look of +rather Hogarthian humor.</p> + +<p>“My wife was a dear little soul. She loved me; +she disapproved of me; she died for me, not guessing, +thank God, that she had never entered my imagination.... +This tobacco jar was my grand-uncle +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_75">[Pg 75]</span>Stephen’s. He brought it from England, a hundred +years ago.”</p> + +<p>He paused in the hall. “A few of these things are +mine. If I could count on twenty years, I’d build the +sort of house I like. These Chippendale chairs—gratifying, +aren’t they? That ship’s model over the +door—a full-rigged whaler! And this jade; milky, +like moonlight.... The Chinese are real craftsmen. +‘White plates and cups, clean-gleaming, ringed with +blue lines—’ Eh? Why not? Better than hymns +and prayers and incantations. Now you know how +spiritual I am! If love of this sort of thing is pagan, +then I am pagan, and proud of it. I would rather +carve a piece of jade into such loveliness than save +a soul....”</p> + +<p>He opened a door and Lilah preceded him into a +room smaller than the others. A coal-fire had burned +low in a shallow grate. There were several lamps, +easy chairs and many shelves of books.</p> + +<p>Lilah put her pointed slipper on the fender and +glanced up at him. “Your room?”</p> + +<p>He said: “It’s quiet, and everything is mine. That +picture up there is by Kent.”</p> + +<p>“I don’t like it. It’s too frosty.”</p> + +<p>“How about this Shinn?”</p> + +<p>“Naughty!” Lilah exclaimed, rather shocked by the +naked little woman in a garden hat who was reading +a French novel. “Do you like it?”</p> + +<p>“Very much.”</p> + +<p>Suddenly he tossed the unfinished cigar into the +grate. “Sit down. I want to tell you something. +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_76">[Pg 76]</span>Something very personal. About myself. I’ve never +told any one. It needn’t embarrass you. But it +might help you.”</p> + +<p>He went to a writing desk that was closed, and, +producing a key from his watch-chain, he unlocked +the top and opened it. It seemed to Lilah that he +was a bit unsteady. Perhaps so much talk wasn’t +good for him. He turned, holding a small package +of letters, the envelopes, inscribed to Junius Peabody +in a big, square hand, bearing the stamp of Italy like +a seal. “I can recapture,” he said, “the old magic, +just by touching these letters.... They are letters +from a woman.... They have nothing to do with +my wife, or my son, or Robert. But they have everything +to do with people like ourselves.”</p> + +<p>He sat down in the chair facing hers; sank back, +still holding the slender packet of letters. He seemed, +in an odd way, to be conjuring up some memory, summoning +back a great happening that had grown dim +in outline. For a moment, she thought he had ceased +to breathe. Then, in a rather broken voice, he began +to tell her what he saw:</p> + +<hr class="tb"> + +<p>He was in Venice, Venice still under the shadow of +the Austrian eagle, yet, as always, incomparable; a +city of bizarre façades reflected in salty lagoons; nothing +classical—he despised neo-classicism—but cupids, +garlands, fore-shortened goddesses, golden! He had +sensed the Venice of Longhi, thank God! Of Titian. +Of Veronese. These catapulting Venuses and rampant +Mars, these lions and gilt domes and love-songs! +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_77">[Pg 77]</span>Nothing mattered save his own recognition of beauty. +And for a while it bowled him over.</p> + +<p>A woman was part of it, touched by the same unreality, +removed from all experience.</p> + +<p>He had left Minnie, his wife, that summer, in this +very house, while he went off to Europe chasing rainbows.</p> + +<p>The quest had been much deeper than that, only +he had been afraid to acknowledge it. Rainbows were +no part of his need; he was in pursuit of the intangible +justification, something Minnie could not give him. +Minnie was life. He wanted, as he supposed all such +men sooner or later want, the illusion of life.</p> + +<p>In Venice, he had met the woman. No need to +tell Lilah her name; that would be beyond the point. +She had put him right again, reaching delicately, expertly, +into his spirit, setting his psychic house in +order.</p> + +<p>How? He didn’t know. She was a woman of +women, sane, fearless, magnificent.</p> + +<p>A week only. Out of a lifetime, he reflected, this +seemed meager compensation. Yet he supposed that +few men had had as much. A week in Longhi’s +Venice with a woman in whom purity wore a lace +mask; a woman strangely aloof, strangely seductive, +possessed of a miraculous and unbroken mystery. She +had loved him and had told him nothing of herself.</p> + +<p>He remembered her, wearing white; he could not +recall the style, but people stared at her. She was +a tawny woman, dark-skinned, tall, with topaz eyes, +and she moved with a sort of slow grace—every pose +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_78">[Pg 78]</span>an immortal loveliness. A foreigner. That something +“foreign” in him had leaped to the encounter. So, at +least, he justified his passion. They seldom spoke. It +had been, nevertheless, communion. Everything about +her delighted him—her jewels, her parasols, her perfumes. +She was distinguished.</p> + +<p>Yet she could play her part in their brief personal +drama like an artist, delighting in him, in their climaxes, +their interludes, their sure approach to the inevitable +finale, savoring each detail. What a woman! +He had had no twinge of conscience; almost, he had +forgotten Minnie. He had had his week. No vulgarity. +No reproaches. No questioning. Beauty.</p> + +<p>Well....</p> + +<p>She had gone.</p> + +<p>These three letters, written from Belaggio. Then, +no more, as it should have been!</p> + +<p>“There must be some reason, my dear, for these +glimpses. A divine tantalization, perhaps. Souls led +to heaven as a donkey follows a carrot to the crest +of a hill.... Some day you will love this way. +Wouldn’t it be wiser to wait? You are very like me.”</p> + +<p>Lilah stood up with a quick, almost violent gesture +of rebellion. “No! How can you?”</p> + +<p>A door opened out from the library to the veranda. +Lilah threw it back and ran outside.</p> + +<p>The veranda was wet, and a heavy mist poured +in from the sea. Lilah crossed the garden and hurried +toward the kennels along a narrow gravel path. +The mist stung her bare arms, drenched her hair, +soaked through the thin soles of her slippers.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_79">[Pg 79]</span></p> + +<p>Some one loomed out of the shadows and she recognized +Robert, still in his great-coat, bare-headed.</p> + +<p>He cried: “Lilah!” And, startled, blocked the +path.</p> + +<p>Lilah caught his arm. “Robert. Kiss me again. +Again. Make me kiss you.... I want to! I want +to! Your grandfather’s wrong. I’ll love you. Kiss +me.”</p> + +<p>They clung together. Her emotion, her fear, became +desire. She could not see Robert’s face; his +restless hands slipped down her arms to her waist, +back again to her shoulders. She cried, pressing herself +against him: “Robert!”</p> + +<p>“Poor little girl. Poor little Lilah. It’s all +right....”</p> + +<p>Her lips against his, her arms pinioned, she thought: +“I love him. That detestable old man.... This is +love—<i>this</i>.”</p> + +<p>Aloud, she asked again: “Do you love me?”</p> + +<p>For answer, he lifted her clear of the ground and +held her, so that she could hear his heart and her own, +beating together.</p> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> +<div class="chapter"> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_80">[Pg 80]</span></p> + + + <h2 class="nobreak" id="IV"> + IV + </h2> +</div> + + +<p class="dropcap"><span class="upper-case">There</span> was no going back now, and Lilah +went forward swiftly, forgetting, in the excitement +of the wedding, her hours of doubt. +She clung to the memory of that moment in the fog; +it was at once a disguise and a justification. To +Junius Peabody she had said simply: “I promise you; +it will be all right.”</p> + +<p>She was married one morning, out-of-doors, before +an altar made of syringa bloom. For this occasion, +Robert’s Aunt Whiteside came from some Virginia +spa, caparisoned, as Junius Peabody put it, like a +Christmas tree. She found Lilah a “useless ornament.” +And said so in an astonishing bass voice.</p> + +<p>There was nothing fashionable about this wedding. +A few friendly, rather shy and inarticulate people, +appeared for the ceremony, were introduced, and disappeared +immediately.</p> + +<p>Lilah kissed Junius, noticed again the odor of +Cologne, and was hurried away toward the traditional +honeymoon in Robert’s motor ... Portland ... +Bath ... Bar Harbor.... It would soon be over +and she could be herself....</p> + +<p>Six months later she was established in Thirty-eighth +Street.</p> + +<p>A small army of decorators occupied the doorstep +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_81">[Pg 81]</span>and besieged Lilah by letter and telephone. And Mrs. +Junius Peabody’s Victorianism was pulled up, literally, +by the roots. Gilt-framed mirrors went headlong +down the “stoop” into moving vans. Chinese porcelains +and top-heavy vases disappeared into barrels. +Mantels were ripped out, parquet floors became, in +some instances, black and white tiles, in others smooth +painted surfaces. Tabourettes, gilded what-nots, ponderous +buffets vanished on the backs of moving men, +and the discreet marbles and pedestaled bronzes were +banished to heaven knows what storage vault.</p> + +<p>“No one would <i>buy</i> these things,” Lilah explained. +“You couldn’t <i>give</i> them away! The Ladies’ Home +Journal has changed all that. I’m not sure whether +what they’ve got is any better, but at least it’s no +worse.”</p> + +<p>“I liked it,” Robert said. “It was cozy.”</p> + +<p>Lilah sniffed.</p> + +<p>During the reconstruction they lived on the top +floor, in rooms occupied in Mrs. Junius Peabody’s +era by servants. Lilah had painted the furniture herself +and had hung at the windows curtains of glazed +chintz—parrots, cabbage roses and gay Kundry-blooms. +Robert slept in a cottage bed beneath a +quilted spread and shaved peering into a crackled +mirror. He was vaguely uncomfortable and dubious. +Beneath him, the familiar house of his childhood was +disintegrating, falling to pieces. One by one the +precious familiarities disappeared. But if it pleased +Lilah, why, for God’s sake, on with the game!</p> + +<p>What it all meant was beyond Robert’s comprehension. +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_82">[Pg 82]</span>His mother had been content to spend half +a lifetime with walnut and plush.... And why +all the fuss about the front door, the brownstone +steps?</p> + +<p>“But they’re <i>hideous</i>,” Lilah cried. “<i>No one</i> has +them! Every house on the block, except ours, has +an English front.”</p> + +<p>Robert shrugged his shoulders, and a month later +the stone façade became a brick façade; the steps +gave way to a white doorway with a fan grill, and +window boxes planted with evergreens added that +touch of a Mayfair dwelling. It was all very discreet, +and, to Robert, very startling. He could not believe +his eyes. He wrote to his grandfather that Thirty-eighth +Street was “jolly giddy.”</p> + +<p>Lilah was supremely happy. She wore chintz +aprons and bound her hair in silk, as if she were gardening. +Her eyes had a critical, appraising look. +Robert never saw her unless he pursued her to the +top of a step-ladder or forced his way through the +ranks of decorators. These people frightened him; +they had such an air—as if they thought and spoke +in symbols. It was a secret order to which, apparently, +Lilah had been initiated, for she tossed off the +phraseology with a reckless, and sometimes condescending, +carelessness.</p> + +<p>“Isn’t it too delicious? This needle-point? Miss +de Blauvelt wants brocade, but I insisted....”</p> + +<p>“It’s rather—pale,” Robert said lamely.</p> + +<p>“Nonsense. It’s exquisite.... The panels are to +be painted all the way to the ceiling. Ships and cliffs +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_83">[Pg 83]</span>and trees and great folds of silk, like Claude Lorraine, +with steps, you know”—she made a gesture—“and +funny clouds.”</p> + +<p>She pulled him by the hand. “Come into the +dining-room—I want you to see something. It’s here! +The Venetian glass.... Look! Look!”</p> + +<p>Robert said guardedly: “Purple glass? What for?”</p> + +<p>“For use, silly.”</p> + +<p>“And what are these—vegetables?”</p> + +<p>“For the console—they’re merely decorative.”</p> + +<p>“But I don’t like them!”</p> + +<p>“Never mind. You will, when everything is finished! +An Aubusson rug. Gray walls. A great mirror, +cut in squares, here. An enameled table with +strips of old lace or brocade. Your grandfather’s +Boucher here. A screen, there. And crystal—”</p> + +<p>“Lilah! Lilah!”</p> + +<p>Robert picked his way through plaster, lathes, +packing-cases and excelsior whenever he left the house +to go to the dubious comfort of his Club. He wanted +the country, his dogs, his old green sweater. But if +Lilah was happy....</p> + +<p>And Lilah happy was less difficult than Lilah unhappy. +At the Point, during the summer, there had +been days when she was too restive to be quite comfortable. +He was to blame for something; eventually +he discovered that he was to blame for liking the +out-of-doors. The implication was vague. Whenever +Robert let himself go, Lilah would say: “Beautiful? +Yes?” As if there were some reason for resentment. +When Robert discovered that she wanted New York, +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_84">[Pg 84]</span>and Thirty-eighth Street, he capitulated at once. But +he had faced mysterious rebuffs, inexplicable moods, +hurts that were more damnable for being beyond +analysis. He had wondered. He had questioned +himself. He had, more than once, blamed himself. +For what? Why, for failing her somehow! He hated +to see that look of resentful discontent. He was +ashamed of being happy! And this was a new sensation. +He had always been happy. But he encountered +the feminine rebellion against a mood which +does not exactly match her own; and at last depressed +by the atmosphere of blame, he gave way to temper, +flung himself down and hid his head in his arms. +Then, Lilah had been repentant; he felt her hand +on his hair. “Robert, what’s the matter?” He had +not answered. And Lilah had kissed the back of his +neck and had called him “cross old Bobsie.”</p> + +<p>With New York an accomplished fact, and the +woods, the rocks, exchanged for a sultry October in +town, she was gracious, delightful.</p> + +<p>Robert promised himself that he would never again +deprive Lilah of anything. She was worthy of the +most unselfish behavior.... He adored her.... +He would do anything to hear her call him “cross old +Bobsie.”</p> + +<p>He made the mistake of becoming his most cheerful, +his most optimistic self.</p> + +<hr class="tb"> + +<p>The panels were to be done by an American artist, +a man famous for the facility of his execution; he +painted like a fury. One day you had the cartoons, +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_85">[Pg 85]</span>in red chalk—a swirl of draperies, figures of long-limbed, +rather sheep-like women and top-heavy columns +in the Tiepolo manner. The next, a finished +canvas.</p> + +<p>Robert began to stumble over this Elmer Shawhan +in his comings and goings. He had none of the trappings +Robert expected of painters, but worked in a +disreputable coat, collarless. He was small and agile, +Irish, with the head of a vaudeville actor and the feet +of a Brazilian dancer.</p> + +<p>Lilah found him violent and amusing.</p> + +<p>“I despise women,” he told her, “but I can’t keep +away from ’em. It’s their drawing—ankles and +knees and long arms and necks. They’re so damned +graceful.”</p> + +<p>He was sitting on a scaffold ten feet above her head, +dangling a pair of patent pumps and ankles encased +in sheer silk socks. Lilah’s walls were already transformed. +Shawhan painted the panels in his studio +and mounted them himself.</p> + +<p>Lilah could not rest until she found out whether he +considered her pretty. He made her feel dumpy and +too blonde, because the women he painted were like +fresh strawberries mounted on long silk legs. No +woman had legs like that....</p> + +<p>“I know,” he said. “I paint legs plus the universal +male exaggeration of their importance. That’s why +my stuff sells. I got seventy-five thousand dollars +for covering a millionaire’s home with silk stockings +and frillies. He thinks he likes it because it’s art.”</p> + +<p>“Isn’t it?” Lilah demanded.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_86">[Pg 86]</span></p> + +<p>“My stuff? Of course not. Mister Tiepolo of +New York! No, I’m clever. I have a certain facility, +that’s all. I learned to draw when I was a cub +reporter on a southern daily—I had to make quick +sketches of murders, suicides, hangings and celebrities; +President Cleveland in the morning and Lulu the +opium-queen in the afternoon. I <i>had</i> to draw! Then +I came to New York and drew New York. Slums +and ‘L’ stations and bums in the park and snow and +fire-engines and horse ’buses. In those days New +York was a <i>place</i>. Twenty years ago....”</p> + +<p>“I was seven,” Lilah interrupted.</p> + +<p>“Well, I wasn’t! I was twenty-three. And what I +had you’ll never have.”</p> + +<p>“Why?”</p> + +<p>“It doesn’t exist any more. You’ll never see Ethel +Barrymore in ‘Captain Jinks’ with those eyes of hers +and that bass voice and that Barrymore bend. Davis +was on the crest of the wave and Gibson was immortalizing +the shirtwaist. It meant something in those +days to be tailored in England and to wear the kind +of shoes I wear—look at ’em—no tips—soft as a +glove! Davis and I wore wing collars when it was +considered degenerate, and we carried canes in the +face of public ridicule and private envy. Stanford +White was building glorious houses. Most of us were +in love with Minnie Ashley. Talk about the age of +innocence! Clyde Fitch, Maxine Elliot, Elsie de +Wolfe and Clara Bloodgood.... I could name a +dozen. We were the American aristocracy of wit. +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_87">[Pg 87]</span>What we said and did was shocking and unique. It +was worth while being clever because almost no one +was. To live in Gramercy Park, to eat at the old +Café Martin and <i>not</i> to wear pads in your shoulders—”</p> + +<p>He went back to his canvas with a sort of violence.</p> + +<p>“I object to to-day because every one is superficially +clever! And there are ten geniuses to one, +twenty years ago, men who can write colossal novels +about the war; men you’ve never heard of, like Dos +Passos, producing a sort of heroic poem, every verse +beginning and ending with Goddam! Gorgeous! +And chaps like Manship and Simonson. And Bellows. +And God knows who—there are thousands of +’em.”</p> + +<p>“Well?” Lilah said, being very Russian with her +cigarette.</p> + +<p>Shawhan came down the ladder. He had a most +engaging and roguish smile. With the neck of his +shirt turned in, he was more Byronesque than vaudevillian; +he would have been romantic if he had not +looked out at you through eyes so initiated and so +skeptical.</p> + +<p>“And there you are! Genius is a drug on the +market.”</p> + +<p>“Then you’re asking too much for these panels,” +Lilah said sweetly.</p> + +<p>“I’m a specialist,” was his shrewd reply, “not a +genius. I have cashed in on my facility. You’re +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_88">[Pg 88]</span>paying, not for my work, but for my name. When +people come into this room, they will know who decorated +your walls and your stock will jump!”</p> + +<p>“How did you manage it?” Lilah asked.</p> + +<p>He smiled. “The New York way. A very exotic +house and studio. Two marriages with famous and +temperamental women both of whom divorced me, +quite amicably. A dash of scandal. Parties every +one wanted to get to because they were both beautiful +and risquè and the guests were limited.... +Thirty, no less, no more! An impassioned, and +anonymous, press agent. Kissing the finger-tips of +such women as you. Getting the reputation of being +a misogynist. <i>And legs!</i>”</p> + +<p>Lilah laughed. “And now?”</p> + +<p>“You pay for it.”</p> + +<p>“And you?”</p> + +<p>“It doesn’t leave much to believe in, does it? That’s +why I sneeze when people drag in art. Art! Oh, my +God. The whole thing is an elaborate hoax. You +want these walls—these lovely empty spaces—filled +with something gracious, pretty, to harmonize with +your furniture and your lamp-shades.”</p> + +<p>“Oh, no—” Lilah interrupted.</p> + +<p>“Oh, yes! I beg pardon. Yes! Your husband +wouldn’t live with a wall by Michelangelo—big, fat +torsos and bumpy females and snakes. And how +would you look, in that gown, against a Gaugin +jungle? Be honest.”</p> + +<p>“Well—”</p> + +<p>“You go to Miss de Blauvelt. She wants to sell +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_89">[Pg 89]</span>you some Louis Quatre chairs and one of those French +sofas, an escritoire and a five hundred dollar footstool. +So she looks through her mental card-index +and says: ‘French. Shawhan.’ Then she phones me. +I get the specifications and the limitations and the +architects’ blue-prints. I go to the Palais Royal and +make sketches on the back of the menu-card. Mrs. +Robert Peabody’s Louis Quatre drawing-room for November +twenty-eighth. Lots of pink. A swing, with +four Watteau ladies and satin garters, a poodle on a +yellow cushion, some fuzzy trees, a cupid on a pedestal +and five hundred yards of Alice Blue silk looped +back with Fragonard tassels. One Tiepolo column, +one Boucher bosom and a knot of flowers.”</p> + +<p>“You’re disgusting,” Lilah said.</p> + +<p>“This is the Twentieth Century,” he reminded her, +“and you are living in New York.”</p> + +<p>He backed away from his work, twisting the ladder +aside. “What do you think of it?”</p> + +<p>“I like it. I believe you do. Isn’t your contempt +a part of your business manner?”</p> + +<p>“Don’t you see—all this is very sad?” he remarked. +“What I’ve told you—what I am and what you are, +and our buying and selling this way—” He broke +off. “Yes, I like it,” he admitted.</p> + +<p>He stood, his hands on his hips, his head tilted, +staring at the exquisite thing he had somehow summoned +out of his staleness and disillusionment. Into +his expression something mocking appeared to contradict +his absorption.</p> + +<p>“Some day,” he said, “I shall decorate a pork-packer’s +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_90">[Pg 90]</span>ballroom. Two hundred thousand down and +no interference! I shall paint what I like—a series +of cartoons—sky-scrapers, flappers, head-waiters, taxicabs, +chorus girls, Jews and fashionable women, +cabarets, streets, theaters and—the whole mess! +Wouldn’t it be gorgeous? A parade, all the way +around the ballroom, where my pork-packer had expected +nymphs in panniers?”</p> + +<p>Lilah tossed her cigarette away and yawned. “I +see. You’re an artist, after all. And a humbug.”</p> + +<p>He laughed, and their eyes met with appreciation.</p> + +<p>“Perhaps,” Lilah suggested, “you’ll put me into +that cartoon.”</p> + +<p>His glance deepened; his expression changed; as +if he sensed the trap laid down by her, he said dryly: +“Perhaps.”</p> + +<hr class="tb"> + +<p>Lilah told Robert that Elmer Shawhan was an +egoist.</p> + +<p>“Probably,” Robert said. “He looks it.”</p> + +<p>“Why? Because he is spectacular?”</p> + +<p>Robert sensed opposition. “Why, yes. His hair—”</p> + +<p>“Externals!” Lilah cried.</p> + +<p>“That’s one of your phrases, Lilah. Don’t trip me +unfairly. Hair <i>is</i> an external, but the way a man cuts +it is indicative of something internal. I suspect your +artist of being what you call him, an egoist, because +he has patiently cultivated a pompadour. Now, +whiskers—”</p> + +<p>Lilah put her fingers in her ears.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_91">[Pg 91]</span></p> + +<p>As the house began to take form and to emerge +from the chaos of reconstruction into a very harmonious +and comfortable air of permanence, Lilah discovered +that she was being too extravagant. The bills +for all this mannered luxury began to appear, statements +that had a matter-of-fact coldness, a finality. +She must face, placate Robert, make him see, as always, +in smaller things, her rightness.</p> + +<p>Miss de Blauvelt had an exaggerated and flattering +conception of the wealth of her clients. She was +accustomed to magnificence and munificence. She +spent other people’s money, Lilah discovered, with +the largest possible gesture, and then added her own +fee, a compensation out of all proportion to her services; +she was “cheeky” in a way too subtle for rebuff.</p> + +<p>With a graceful sweep of her hands, she would say: +“I can do a delightful boudoir for ten thousand. Not +perfect, of course—for <i>that</i>—but modern and witty, +a perverse little room. Leave it to me. You don’t +mind?”</p> + +<p>The names of social celebrities flowed in and out +of the stream of her talk like minnows. She knew +every one. Lilah gathered that at her own house at +Dinard she gathered together the froth of fashionable +and artistic Europe—skimmed off the cream for her +own amusement. With this woman, business seemed +to be an excuse for indulging in extravagances. The +account, rendered before the workmen were out of the +house, staggered Lilah. She had, she realized, spent +a fortune. Her heart contracted and the blood rushed +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_92">[Pg 92]</span>to her face, receding to leave her trembling, frightened, +sick. She had no idea how she was going to +face Robert with this fact—it was done; there was +no going back. She should have consulted him. The +whole thing suggested a sort of vulgar eagerness on +her part, a head-long impatience. And she had made +it only too evident that Robert bored her. She must +go back, patiently, and try to understand herself and +him, prepare him, somehow, for this preposterous bill +headed simply De Blauvelt, Interiors, Paris, New +York.</p> + +<p>Miss de Blauvelt appeared on the following day to +make what proved to be a final inspection of her handiwork. +Lilah, caught unawares, felt at a disadvantage +in the presence of this compact little cosmopolitan. +There was something decidedly challenging in the +frivolity of her beautiful feet and ankles and the whiteness +of her hair. She was an old woman sustained +by the success and color of her life. Everything had +been done that could be done by science and art to +preserve, make permanent, her famous slimness, her +provocative and ugly features, her <i>chic</i>. The result +was not quite human; there were no wrinkles, no +visible signs of age; in the transparent mask of her +face, only her eyes seemed to be alive, black, intelligent +and cruel. She never smiled and Lilah decided +that she couldn’t; plastic surgery had deprived her +of animation. She wore a tube-like dress, short in the +fashion of the moment, a turban of dyed metallic +cloth and the curious square-toed, clumsy, strapped +slippers affected by the Parisian <i>mondaine</i>.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_93">[Pg 93]</span></p> + +<p>“Well? You like it?” she demanded.</p> + +<p>“Very much.”</p> + +<p>“You had better let me do your country place before +I go back to France.”</p> + +<p>Lilah said decidedly: “Thanks. No.”</p> + +<p>“Why not?”</p> + +<p>“Your bill was exorbitant.”</p> + +<p>Miss de Blauvelt’s eyes came around with a pounce. +“Nonsense. I was more than charitable! If you expected +department store economies—”</p> + +<p>She broke off. “Surely, you understood—”</p> + +<p>“Oh, yes,” Lilah said hurriedly. “But I shan’t undertake +another—not now.”</p> + +<p>“You must come to Dinard,” Miss de Blauvelt said +in an even voice; “I live there with two amusing and +talented women, a sculptress and a pianiste. It’s very +simple and very beautiful.”</p> + +<p>She made an expressive gesture. “This is my last +house in America. You may tell every one so. It +will give your interior a peculiar luster and perhaps +reconcile you to the expense.”</p> + +<p>And with a nod, she walked quickly out, and across +the pavement to her motor.</p> + +<hr class="tb"> + +<p>Lilah spent the rest of the afternoon at her desk +adding up a list of bills, De Blauvelt, Shawhan, +plumbers, painters, masons, upholsterers, warehouses, +rugs, electricians, florists, contractors....</p> + +<p>She was interrupted by a servant, a new acquisition +like everything else, who said: “Miss Fuller” in a +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_94">[Pg 94]</span>dubious voice as if he were weary of ushering in +tradespeople and nobodies.</p> + +<p>Lilah turned with relief. She hated details. She +almost ran forward to meet Grace Fuller, who came +into the room unruffled and casual, as she had entered +the flat in Ninth Street.</p> + +<p>Lilah forgot the bills in the excitement of displaying +her possessions. And as Grace Fuller followed +her from room to room she felt her enthusiasm mounting. +For the first time her dreams seemed to be concrete, +her security certain. Her feet slipped along +the rugs with a luxurious appreciation of their softness. +Grace Fuller followed, saying very little. But +then she never did have any enthusiasm. She might +be regretting—poor soul! This warmth and glow, +after the room in Ninth Street, the gas-log, the oak +table, the green lamp and her father’s chair, worn +hollow.</p> + +<p>“It’s quite like you,” Grace Fuller said. “Purry. +I feel stroked myself. Tea? By all means. I’m +dog-tired.... New York all summer—heat that +withered the geraniums on the fire escape! I had to +open the dumb-waiter door for ventilation....”</p> + +<p>She lighted a cigarette. “How’s Robert?”</p> + +<p>“Awfully well.”</p> + +<p>Lilah busied herself with cups and saucers. She +did not care to discuss Robert. But Grace Fuller +said: “He hates New York at this time of year.”</p> + +<p>“He has his club.”</p> + +<p>“Has he?”</p> + +<p>“Are you being disagreeable?”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_95">[Pg 95]</span></p> + +<p>“I don’t think so. I want you to be happy, and it +seems to me that you are doing figure eights around +the danger sign.... In November, the Maine natives +go down East for deer. Robert always hunts +with his gang of Perkins and Littlefields and Brewsters. +Hasn’t he told you?”</p> + +<p>“We have been married less than six months. He +wouldn’t leave me,” Lilah said concisely.</p> + +<p>“He would, if you gave him the least little push! +He wanted a moose this year.”</p> + +<p>Abruptly, she changed the subject. She told Lilah +that she was very nearly worn out. It seemed to be +her fortune to get nothing but “hopeless cases,” invalids +engaged in the long-drawn-out process of dying +by inches. She had had to witness so much poor, +human suffering, to face the mute or the querulous +questions of people who “had to know.” “The ones +who suffer most are the ones who want to stay. They +seem to love life. They’re so futile, so pathetic! I’ve +listened for hours to women who could remember +every detail of their girlhood—how pretty they were, +and the number of tucks on their graduation dress, +and all about their wedding day: what he said and +the cinders on the honeymoon journey, and how he +took the littlest, weeniest bite out of the lobe of her +ear.... They want it all back again! I’m dog-tired, +trying to get it for them. When they die, they +give me just the funny, accusing look that boy in +France gave me.”</p> + +<p>“Poor Grace.”</p> + +<p>“I’d like to nurse an alcoholic case or a pretty +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_96">[Pg 96]</span>actress with the mumps. Something to amuse me. I +don’t understand death. I wish I did. To put us +here, to inform us that our stay is limited, to offer +no proof of immortality—it’s damnable! Animals +don’t know, do they? They’re afraid of being hurt, +but do they know, when they’re old enough to know +anything, that some day, no matter how brave and +quick they are, they’ve got to give it all up?”</p> + +<p>Lilah twisted her shoulders. “For heaven’s sake, +Grace, be cheerful.”</p> + +<p>“I can’t. I live in an atmosphere of dread and +tip-toeing. Doctors tip-toeing in and out. Relatives +tip-toeing in and out. And the poor creature on the +bed yearning for life! I’m no good any more. A +rebellious nurse had better stop nursing. I’m going +to stop, and come back again when I have found something +to offer them.”</p> + +<p>Lilah had been turning a new idea over in her mind. +Sparring for time, she said: “You can’t justify death, +Grace.”</p> + +<p>“I might. I sometimes think it is more justifiable +than life.”</p> + +<p>“Don’t be bitter.”</p> + +<p>“I’m not.” Grace Fuller put her tea-cup down. +Her expression was excited, she flushed and clasped +her hands together as she always did when she felt +anything deeply. “It seems such a waste of power. +Youth, with all that energy. A wave of youth rising +up in every generation and spending itself against the +facts of life. Why must it be? I remember, when +I was a child, how wonderful it all seemed, fields and +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_97">[Pg 97]</span>clouds, and wind. Even the seasons were exciting; +when the first snow came, I was in ecstasy, watching +the landscape change. Something was always waiting +for me. I never knew, or cared to know what—but +if I were to open my eyes wide or stretch out my +hand, there it would be—shining and glorious, mine!”</p> + +<p>She relaxed and sank back, the old cynical look reappearing, +as if she had lost hope again.</p> + +<p>“I’m a fool. It happens to everybody.”</p> + +<p>Lilah turned quickly and asked: “Would you have +been happier with Robert?”</p> + +<p>That slow flush remounted. “No.”</p> + +<p>“Then I want you to do something for me. I’m +swamped with details, correspondence, bills, people I +don’t want to see and people I must see. I need some +one to help me. Some one, like you, who has a good +telephone voice and decent manners. Will you try +it? Please don’t say no! I hate talking business, +but I assure you you won’t lose anything. You can +rent the flat in Ninth Street and come here. Now +that the second floor is finished, you can have our +quarters on the third. The servants are on the +fourth.”</p> + +<p>Seeing Robert in the doorway, Lilah called to him: +“Hello! Just in time for tea! Grace is going to be +my secretary. Isn’t it wonderful?”</p> + +<p>Robert took Grace Fuller’s hand and bent down a +little to smile at her. “I’m glad,” he said.</p> + +<p>“Then I’ll come,” Grace Fuller answered.</p> + +<p>Robert sat down beside Lilah on the narrow French +sofa that bulked so conspicuously as an item in the +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_98">[Pg 98]</span>De Blauvelt account. He seemed heavier than usual, +very pink from his walk across town in a sharp November +wind. His eyes had that untroubled expression +which particularly irritated Lilah because it was +an indication of profound inner content. She did not +want him to be contented, to take for granted her +love, as if a gift so inestimable could be accepted +easily. Something warned her to keep her temper; +if Grace Fuller were watching for a rift in the lute +she would be disappointed.</p> + +<p>She may have made a mistake in asking this waspish +woman to live under the same roof. Strangely +enough, the prospect excited her. Without Grace +Fuller, there would be no rebound to life. She could +fling her challenge: “See what I am, what I have become,” +at this surface, and catch, in the deepening +irony of the other, her own particular shimmer and +brilliance. Lacking Junius Peabody, who was desirable +because he enjoyed watching Lilah wrestle with +destiny, Grace Fuller would be the necessary audience. +To know that she had loved Robert would +make Robert more endurable. Grace would pore +over his stamp-albums and condone his canine complex +and perhaps read aloud to him the terrible books +he preferred, murder mysteries and western melodramas: +“Nothing like a crackerjack mystery, Lilah! +Now this chap, Jenkins, was locked up in a house on +the Hudson and there was a sort of secret passage +leading down to the river—”</p> + +<p>Lilah came back with a start to the unfamiliar outlines +of her drawing-room. Robert was being very +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_99">[Pg 99]</span>genial and talkative. His enameled boots caught the +fire-light. Lilah’s eyes rested on his hands; she noticed +for the first time the breadth and strength of +his fingers, the blond hair on the backs of his hands. +Whenever she came in contact with the physical, she +felt revulsion. She would have preferred a disembodied +Robert, or no Robert at all. She turned her +eyes away with a little shiver of apprehension....</p> + +<p>When Grace Fuller had gone, Lilah sat for a long +time in silence. Robert lighted a cigarette mounted +in a long tortoise-shell holder with a gold mouth-piece. +One hand rested over hers. She wondered what he +was thinking, whether he liked the room, the house, +this brand-new air of expensive perfection. The +sound of his breathing, heavy and regular, was audible +above the muffled rumble of traffic in the street. A +servant removed the tea things and drew the shades, +kindling lights here and there on tables and against +the paneled walls.</p> + +<p>“Do you like it?” she said at last.</p> + +<p>Robert moved. His answer came with the usual +slow marshaling of facts and words: “Shall I tell you +the truth? I prefer the old house at the Point.” His +hand tightened over hers; she tried to draw her fingers +away, but he held them within his. “I’ve hurt you! +But you don’t want me to be a lap-dog, do you? Must +I bark every time you say: ‘Speak, Fido’?”</p> + +<p>“Why didn’t you tell me so in the beginning? +did you let me spend all this money?”</p> + +<p>“Because I love you,” he said simply.</p> + +<p>“Do you?”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_100">[Pg 100]</span></p> + +<p>“Very much.”</p> + +<p>Lilah hurried to the issue. “I’ve spent thousands +and thousands. For something you hate—”</p> + +<p>“I know very little about such matters,” he said. +“I left it to you to re-furnish the house. I expected +a certain expense. Ten or twenty thousand—”</p> + +<p>“I’ve spent forty thousand,” Lilah said, trying to +keep her voice steady.</p> + +<p>There was a short silence. Robert’s grasp relaxed +and she drew her hand away. Presently he said: +“That is a great deal of money, my dear.”</p> + +<p>With a flash of temper she answered sharply: “Why +didn’t you stop me, then? Instead of letting me go +blindly on, believing that I had your consent? Was +it a trick to trip me up?”</p> + +<p>“Lilah!”</p> + +<p>“Both you and your grandfather think I married +you because I was hard up and frightened! You’ve +made me feel your suspicion. Suppose I had really +loved you—and I tried to make you see that I did—wouldn’t +your doubting me make me self-conscious?”</p> + +<p>“Now you’re being nasty.”</p> + +<p>She closed her eyes. Shivers of feeling ran through +her like currents of poison. “Nasty! What a primitive +word! I’m being frank, if that’s what you mean.”</p> + +<p>“I thought you <i>did</i> love me,” Robert said. “I’m +probably old-fashioned, but I admit that I had an entirely +different idea of love. I’ve read a lot of trash +and believed a lot of sentimental idiocy, perhaps....”</p> + +<p>“What, exactly, did you expect?”</p> + +<p>He turned. “Lilah! We mustn’t talk like this!”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_101">[Pg 101]</span></p> + +<p>She insisted: “What did you expect that I haven’t +given you?”</p> + +<p>He made a gesture of surrender. “If I told you, +you’d laugh at me.”</p> + +<p>“Do I laugh at you? How unfair you are! You +are trying to make me out a cheat.”</p> + +<p>“No. I love you. Only don’t you see—I wanted, +and still want, companionship. You rather took this +house out of my hands, didn’t you? As far as I’m +concerned, it might be a hotel. Even if I have rotten +taste, I like a little of it around—in my own room, for +instance. Why not? Am I irrational?” He unclasped +his hands and clasped them again with a slow +pressure that whitened his knuckles. “I wanted to +plan things—go over things with you. I didn’t want +this woman to buy my bed—it’s none of her business! +I’ve always dreamed of building a home with +the woman I loved and married.... I suppose you’re +laughing at me.”</p> + +<p>Lilah said nothing. She could not trust her voice.</p> + +<p>She felt that her power over him had been shattered. +None of the old tricks would do. She must +find new magic, and quickly, if she wanted him.</p> + +<p>“I’m not laughing at you,” she said at last. “If +I’ve done wrong, I’ll do the only thing I can do, under +the circumstances; I’ll go.”</p> + +<p>“You mean, leave me? Lilah, you’re joking! +We’re a grown man and woman trying to understand +each other. I don’t care a damn about that forty +thousand. It’s you I’ve got to get at—and I can’t +buy your heart. I’m not rich enough....”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_102">[Pg 102]</span></p> + +<p>“That was a very pretty speech, Robert.”</p> + +<p>“I didn’t mean it to be. I’m in deadly earnest. +I’m not contented with myself as I am. No one is, +perhaps. But my case is extreme. I’m pretty much +of a waster. I waste myself on harmless amusements, +but I waste myself. I thought—I just imagined—it +was a damn foolish notion—but I wanted you +to stir me up, get me started at something, make me +want to serve, somewhere, somehow. And when you +married me, you dropped me out entirely—” he +spread his hands, “for this.”</p> + +<p>He turned to her, his face white and strained. +“There shouldn’t be much of a toss-up between a +house and a human being.”</p> + +<p>She did not answer, but sat with her body drawn +away, her shoulders hunched, her breath quick and +shallow. Her expression was guarded but she permitted +herself a half-smile that was both patient and +contemptuous.</p> + +<p>“You’re so damned feminine,” he said. “My +mother was like that. She’d bang doors and sulk. +And my father would rap and beg her to come out, +and she wouldn’t. Not for hours, while the rest of +us went around with lead in our hearts, feeling +ashamed! When she did open the door, she’d sort +of smile. She was my mother, but I hated her when +she did that....”</p> + +<p>“What do you want me to say?” Lilah demanded.</p> + +<p>“Something honest,” was his surprising answer.</p> + +<p>She stood up suddenly. “I won’t stand this any +longer. I won’t!”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_103">[Pg 103]</span></p> + +<p>She did not cry easily, but now she burst suddenly +into a storm of tears. The flood gates of fear and +questioning broke; she was swept away. Through it +all, she was aware of the room, of her own attitude +and of Robert, frightened, aghast, repentant, trying +to tear her hands away from her face.</p> + +<p>“Don’t cry. Lilah, don’t cry.”</p> + +<p>She collapsed against him and he drew her down +on his knees. His unsteady hands caressed her hair. +She felt his lips on her neck. She drew in her breath +sharply and the tears stopped; with shut eyes she remained +against his shoulder, motionless. The storm +of feeling had passed, leaving again that curious unreality. +Robert was not a part of experience; he was +in her life for some purpose, to carry her forward a +little way. Without discontent there could be no advance. +From him, she would go on, perhaps to love.... +But he already felt what she could not feel, and +this involved her because she had given herself. She +shivered and a deep sigh cut through her immobility. +His arms tightened. He kept on whispering, with his +lips against her ear, but she heard nothing.</p> + +<p>She became conscious again of the large expanse +of Aubusson and of pools of light in which hot-house +flowers seemed made of wax, and of sleek surfaces, +smooth contours. Her own slippers, the chiffon across +her knees, were a part of the vision.</p> + +<p>Robert was saying: “We mustn’t quarrel. It’s +childish. I’ll do any earthly thing for you.”</p> + +<p>With a quick, almost feline motion, she turned in +his arms. “Here goes,” she said to herself.</p> + +<p>And very deliberately, purposefully, she kissed him.</p> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> +<div class="chapter"> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_104">[Pg 104]</span></p> + + + <h2 class="nobreak" id="V"> + V + </h2> +</div> + + +<p class="dropcap"><span class="upper-case">With</span> that perilous moment bridged, Robert +given again his unquestioning security in +her, Lilah began her search for experience, +for satisfaction, for a vague, undetermined happiness. +She had for so many years peered over the wall at +the social garden-party, at women in light dresses and +men in polished hats, marionettes, voiceless, yet animated, +infinitely removed—she had imagined so +much, given these people a wholly romantic and unnatural +luster—Now she found herself about to +drop into the garden, among them, and her eagerness +took Robert’s breath away. He told himself that +he must be patient; when the novelty had worn off, +when Lilah had rubbed elbows with a world already +familiar to him, she, too, would discard it. In the +meantime, he tried to content himself with her rare +impulses of affection, hasty caresses, light kisses that +stung his flesh and penetrated to his heart like thin, +precise knife-thrusts. For the most part she met him +with banter and postponement, as if she were skimming +over the dark depths of life, a vivid and elusive +skater on silver skates....</p> + +<p>He found himself, suddenly, a slave to hope. Some +day she would skim back to him, into the circle made +by his love, his arms, and remain there, safe. But +she must first dart here and there, fearless and foolish, +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_105">[Pg 105]</span>enjoying herself. It became his dubious pleasure to +watch, ready to pull her out if the ice should crack.</p> + +<p>Robert was not exactly a fool, although he took no +pains to appear otherwise. What he had seen of the +world had landed him back at the Point again, where, +he argued, all the facts of life and death, of love and +hate, were uncomplicated and recognizable. He +could not see, he told Lilah, why experience should +acquire anything by multiplication. You were born, +you loved, hated and died. You could do all these +things, and get out of it what there was in it, as well +in one place as in another; nothing was gained by +chasing down the horizon—once you got there, it was +the same, love and life, hate and death. He preferred +a limited existence to the accumulated sensations offered +by such cities as New York and Paris. Crowds +gave him a mental indigestion. Ideas, unless they +were based on truths, caused him to suffer an intellectual +heart-burn. He was not swift enough to chase +the casual and elusive theories of most modernists, +who were content with the haphazard because no one +could pause long enough to argue or to prove.</p> + +<p>But he was willing, after that sharp quarrel with +Lilah, to experiment.</p> + +<p>He made a hurried trip to Maine and shamefacedly +kissed his spaniels, turning back to New York with +an assumed eagerness that deceived even himself. In +the train, he left the sleeper for the smoking-car and +sat up all night trying, as he put it, to reduce Lilah to +a common denominator. The secret of her fascination +lay in her swift and inexplicable changes of mood; +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_106">[Pg 106]</span>he waited for favors with a feverish sort of excitement. +It was probably unhealthy, bad for him to +be so buffeted about by feeling, alternately exalted to +heaven and left flat, with a sense of humiliation and +shame.</p> + +<p>Another type of man might spare himself indignity +by letting her see a certain brutality. But Robert +was not so gifted. He could only be himself.</p> + +<p>For her he had abandoned his “drinkin’” and had +tried desperately to part his hair on the side. The +green sweater had gone down before her contempt. +In a hundred little ways he tried to re-make, improve, +the outward man; he knew when he bored +her, although he was never certain why he bored her. +His enthusiasms were as authentic as hers. But Lilah +was Lilah, and for such a woman he, any man, would +attempt the impossible.</p> + +<p>He had wanted a strong, sweet, fearless love, ecstasy +and pride and recognition.</p> + +<p>What he had was different, but he could not be +sure that he had not wanted too much. Perhaps all +women were like Lilah, and tormented you, where +they should offer their breasts for you to put your +head against and rest, and rest, from life.</p> + +<hr class="tb"> + +<p>When Grace Fuller moved in, Robert felt more +comfortable. She was a familiar, understanding sort +of woman.</p> + +<p>He wondered whether Lilah were justified in calling +Grace a deliberate celibate. He began to study +her face, to question his knowledge of her. She had +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_107">[Pg 107]</span>never enjoyed kissing him, but had always pushed +him away, with an expression almost of fear in her +eyes. He couldn’t say that he had enjoyed it, either; +it was too much like forcing her to his will.... +There were times, at night, when Lilah was strange +and emotional, when she pressed against him and ran +her fingers up and down the back of his neck with +the caress he liked, and kissed him, quick, almost +furtive kisses; when she relaxed in his arms, suddenly, +as if she were about to surrender, and then was tense +again, pushing him away, turning her face aside....</p> + +<p>He couldn’t understand.</p> + +<p>Grace left him alone, left his senses alone. She +was a good companion in spite of her sharp tongue. +He supposed that all nurses had that same air of +watching out for you, mothering you, seeing that +things were comfortable and orderly. There was no +trace in her manner or her look, of remembering; +she let him off, magnificently. He would say that +for her; she was a sport! They began again, as +people who have only just met. And all those meaningless +kisses and casual, artificial embraces were forgotten +in their common passion for Lilah.</p> + +<p>Lilah became a bond between them. When Robert +came in and Lilah was not at home, he sought Grace +and questioned her.</p> + +<p>Lilah was fascinating, reckless, just a little terrible +and they never tired of discussing her. She had done +this, or that. This one and that one had telephoned. +She had bought a new dress or a new book. Everything +she did startled them, because, once certain of +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_108">[Pg 108]</span>Robert, Lilah had become more startling, more reckless +and more insatiable than ever.</p> + +<p>It was as if she had come into full possession of +life without questioning her right to it. She was not, +as far as Robert could see, happy, but she was, on +the other hand, arrogant with fulfillment. Because +she herself had succeeded, she could not help having +contempt for people who had failed.</p> + +<p>This amused Robert, but it was also cause for a +certain amount of chagrin, since he saw that his position +had been the lever she needed to lift her out of +obscurity. She could never have done it alone.</p> + +<p>But because he loved her, he did for her everything +she seemed to require. Before long, she knew every +one of importance in Robert’s world. It was a world +limited by necessity to a few hundred souls. Lilah +called them Murray Hill blackbirds. They were, in +fact, the old guard, a thinned-out company of so-called +Knickerbockers, New Yorkers long enough to cherish +their few square blocks of sacred soil with a tenacity +that was almost aristocratic.</p> + +<p>They gave Lilah critical inspection; her house was +less important and could, in its severe restraint and +exact emphasis, be taken for granted.</p> + +<p>Flushed, beautiful, excited, Lilah received them. +The sleek Aubusson became the arena of her first social +struggle. These people were fashionable but not +modish. For them, sensing their prejudices, Lilah +wore black and was over-careful of her accent. Her +Russian atmosphere was discarded for the occasion, +and Robert and Grace were amazed, embarrassed, by +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_109">[Pg 109]</span>a totally different Lilah, a châtelaine, wistful, eager +and disarming.</p> + +<p>Robert was rather proud of the gathering; people +like this made him feel safer about the future; they +cemented the cracks in society. He adored dowdy +wealth because it was an indication of permanence, +a stand against the upstart, ’Change. There was +something plucky about foulard, sensible shoes and +elaborate whiskers in the Jazz age. While these +people lived, the last cable held. Their names were +less impressive now that their city had become unaware +of them. But Lilah seemed to enjoy juggling +these rather musty titles. Robert didn’t know it, but +she was, consciously, laying a foundation down. She +would stand, eventually, not upon the quicksand of +new, untried, if glamorous names, but upon the veritable, +bed-rock Manhattanese.</p> + +<p>Afterwards, to Grace and Robert, she was explicit: +“What fearful bores! All of them, except Mrs. +Humphrey-hyphen-whatever-her-name-is.... The red-headed +one.”</p> + +<p>“She goes everywhere,” Robert explained, “and is +invited nowhere. She <i>was</i> glorious, thirty years ago.”</p> + +<p>“She is now.”</p> + +<p>“She’s a bad egg,” Robert said.</p> + +<p>“What do you mean, exactly?”</p> + +<p>“Oh, she left her husband, and lived with a chap—some +one—I’ve forgotten.... She’s quite purple.”</p> + +<p>Lilah laughed. “I’d die if I had to know these +people.... I liked your purple one. She was human. +The rest ... <i>blackbirds</i>!”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_110">[Pg 110]</span></p> + +<p>She was being Russian again.... While the new +servant, placated by the announcement of so many +celebrated blackbirds, removed the tea tables and +gathered up cups and saucers, Lilah disposed of +Robert’s friends with a tirade of pointed witticisms. +She could afford to laugh at them because now, she +knew, she could subjugate them. All she had to do +was to snub the purple lady, entertain discreetly, +grow old, and die. In ten years she would look just +like the rest of them—ground-grippers and a pince-nez, +a maribou boa, a bit of real lace, amethysts and rheumatism +in her finger-joints.... She preferred more +difficult attainment....</p> + +<p>Suddenly she went to the piano and, still smoking, +played a rakish accompaniment to a French song.</p> + +<p>“<i>Je sais que c’est une folie!</i>”</p> + +<p>Robert and Grace Fuller turned about in their +chairs and listened. She seemed to be unaware of +them. With her head thrown back, the cigarette +aslant, she sang in a light, high voice, a little song +about madness and youth and <i>la tendresse</i> and, meltingly, +<i>l’amour</i>.</p> + +<hr class="tb"> + +<p>From this little occasion, Lilah stepped off into New +York. There were, she discovered, no barriers raised +against a pretty, witty and wealthy woman. She had +all the ingredients to make a very potent brew.</p> + +<p>In the beginning, Robert was always at her elbow, +puzzled, but stimulated in exact proportion to her +own pleasure. New York was not “dry” and before +long Robert was drinking again with that boastful +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_111">[Pg 111]</span>abandonment characteristic of prohibition. Everywhere +there was gin, and according to the social scale, +it was either genuine, or frankly synthetic. Lilah +drank for the first time in her life, steadily, carelessly. +She explained to Robert that there was no other way +to “fizz” at dinner or to hold off fatigue. And, happening +to discover a substantial supply of good wines +and whisky in the cellar of the Murray Hill house, +she wrote to Junius Peabody and obtained his somewhat +satirical permission to uncork all but the rarest +vintages. Those, he explained, belonged to his “heirs” +and were to be handed down as historical evidence. +Lilah must consider, take pity on the parched palates +of her sons....</p> + +<p>Lilah tossed the letter into the fire. She did not +intend that there should be sons. She was infected +by the casuistry of the age, a total lack of interest +in the coming generation. Behind men’s lives there +was no longer any sustaining idealism, any heroic +faith in an unbroken purpose. The war had severed +a link in the chain of passions, spiritual, national and +racial. The day, the needs and fulfillments of the +day, sufficed.</p> + +<p>Robert could find nothing to refute her claim that +the war had made morality ridiculous and had stripped +adolescent humanity of its illusions. Everywhere, in +both men and women, he encountered the cynicism +that goes, usually, with embittered old age, with failure +and disappointment. People were reckless because +the moral skids were off; there was a gay determination, +everywhere evident, to meet disaster as +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_112">[Pg 112]</span>gayly as possible. But this was not heroic; it was +cowardly, and Robert found himself despising the +times he lived in.</p> + +<p>As usual, he was not expressive. Something about +his physical pinkness and blondness, his air of being +extremely well-fed and well-brushed, held him back +from complaining. Lilah might be right. Certainly, +there was no evidence of spirituality, of change.</p> + +<hr class="tb"> + +<p>New York was dancing-mad, in a mood essentially +unlike the madness of Nineteen-Fourteen, when blind +satiety had twirled on the lid of a seething volcano. +This madness was sophisticated and purposeful. The +Argentine tango had given way to the primitive +rhythms of Africa and Maylasia, a brutal tom-toming, +savagery stalking progress through a maze of the +senses. There were very few private dances. Robert +could remember the day of the cotillion leader, Ward +McAllister’s reign. Now, society patronized the commercial +dance-halls or the exclusive “clubs” given +over to all-night dancing, in defiance of a closing law +which arbitrarily separated jazzing couples at one in +the morning. There were few formal occasions; +hostesses relied upon haphazard dinner-parties, a box +at the theater or the opera, and the confused, prismatic, +exciting contact afterwards.</p> + +<p>Lilah danced beautifully, without a trace of vulgarity, +but Robert objected to the frank enticement +of her gowns that displayed her flesh to the casual +observer. She answered that he belonged in the Dark +Ages; no one paid any attention to backs and arms; +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_113">[Pg 113]</span>the sight was too usual. Fashion had freed women +because women had first freed themselves. They were +too frankly undressed to be alluring, and men ought +to be grateful; nudity rid them of obscene imaginings.</p> + +<p>Robert was not certain that women’s clothes were +a symbol of masculine indifference. Lilah might be +right; she was infinitely more clever than he, and besides +she said things with a conviction, a finality, that +floored him. It is hard to contradict a woman you +love. He had his reservations.</p> + +<p>They rarely dined at home. As the winter progressed, +their program of pleasure became more complicated. +The details were left to Grace Fuller, who +sat at a desk the better part of every day, answering +the telephone and attending to Lilah’s correspondence. +An avalanche of people had swept Robert’s handful +of Murray Hill blackbirds out of the picture. It had +been but a step from these conservatives to their children, +the reckless generation that had outlived but +had not out-thought the war; and from them to the +professionals, a little world of hard, bright, amazingly +talented modernists, racially nondescript, intellectually +polyglot, artistically indeterminate.</p> + +<p>Robert encountered too many enthusiasms to have +much faith in a standard of taste. A sort of united +press-agentry conspired to prove that there was an +American art. Painstakingly, Robert sought what +Lilah declared already existed, and he failed to find +it. He found, instead, a horde of facile, astonishing +copyists. The extremists irritated him because they +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_114">[Pg 114]</span>struck him as being too lazy to study. Further than +that, he refused to express himself.</p> + +<p>For several months he followed wherever Lilah led. +Then it became an easy matter to excuse himself. +He did not dance, and the rôle of caryatid to the +striped awning at the Palais Royal was proving irksome. +Conversation, he insisted, had been annihilated +by those jungle noises produced by the saxophone, the +oboe, the violin, the piano and the bass-drum. He +was not capable of feeling the necessary emotion; he +preferred staying at home to holding a half-dozen +strange and hectic women in his arms.</p> + +<p>“By all means, stay,” Lilah said agreeably. She +kissed him on the top of his head and went out, +wrapped in a voluminous coat of gold cloth, from +which her face emerged, powdered, delicately rouged, +like the face of a bisque figurine.</p> + +<p>Her mistiness had taken on a certain sharp and defined +quality; she was more accentuated, less shadowy. +The petulant droop of her lips was pronounced; her +eyes were larger and more brilliant—they sought admiration +frankly, if disdainfully, and gave nothing in +return.</p> + +<p>Robert went to his easy chair with a sense of having +been left flat. He expected at least a show of +protest, of regret.</p> + +<p>Grace Fuller was at work, in the library; he heard +the click of her typewriter. He might go to her. +Damn it, why not? She might be able to tell him +what Lilah had meant when she said, “By all means, +stay.”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_115">[Pg 115]</span></p> + +<p>He climbed the stairs slowly, puffing his cigar. He +was, he realized, very tired. Pleasure exhausted him +because he didn’t believe in it. To Lilah, it had all +the luster of a Cause.</p> + +<p>Grace Fuller glanced up.</p> + +<p>“Not going?”</p> + +<p>“Not going.”</p> + +<p>“Why?”</p> + +<p>Robert said lightly: “I’m fagged. Old age, I +suppose.”</p> + +<p>She pushed the machine away and sat staring at +him with an expression which made him vaguely uncomfortable.</p> + +<p>“What did Lilah say?”</p> + +<p>Robert laughed: “She invited me by all means to +suit myself.”</p> + +<p>“You made a mistake. Why didn’t you tell her +how tired you are and make her stay at home?”</p> + +<p>“I can’t <i>make</i> Lilah do anything.”</p> + +<p>“I wouldn’t admit it, if I were you.”</p> + +<p>“Why not? She is undisciplined, but I would be +the last one to try to curb her.”</p> + +<p>“It’s too late, Robert. Lilah has taken the bit. +She’s running away from you.”</p> + +<p>With a pang of irritable fear, Robert said sharply: +“Nonsense.”</p> + +<p>Grace Fuller jerked the typewriter forward again and +struck at the keys with her long, cool fingers. Her +mouth had hardened; her eyes were obstinate. “Very +well,” she said.</p> + +<p>“See here, Grace. Don’t exaggerate! Lilah’s excited. +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_116">[Pg 116]</span>She has never seen life. She isn’t stale. And +you and I are.... She’ll get over it. There’s good +in her.”</p> + +<p>“It isn’t ‘bad’ to love life,” Grace answered. “I am +only suggesting that it is bad for you.”</p> + +<p>“I can stand it.”</p> + +<p>Grace Fuller gathered together her day’s work with +deliberate gestures, sheaves of gray note-paper heavily +embossed with the Thirty-eighth Street address in the +English fashion, square envelopes, checks and receipted +bills. Then she rose and stood for a moment looking +down at Robert.</p> + +<p>“I’m really very happy, Grace,” he said, on his guard +against something in her expression.</p> + +<p>“I’m awfully glad,” she said finally, “to hear that.”</p> + +<p>She turned to leave the room, but Robert spoke +quickly: “Don’t go. I want to talk to you....” +He hesitated, and then said awkwardly, “about yourself.”</p> + +<p>“Myself?” Grace Fuller hesitated, flushing. “Please +don’t.”</p> + +<p>But she came back, and sank with a deep sigh, a +sudden, almost pathetic relaxation, into a chair before +the fire. Robert had never seen her looking so positively +ugly; the guards were down; her distinction had +given way to the essential woman, a creature defeated +by her own disbelief. It was shocking, and to Robert, +humiliating. He turned his eyes away.</p> + +<p>“Don’t talk about me,” Grace said. “I prefer to +be left in my own Nirvana of self-forgetfulness. I +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_117">[Pg 117]</span>have conquered ambition and regret, and you’re sorry +for me! You ought to congratulate me....”</p> + +<p>She caught her breath sharply. “How well that +sounded! I almost convinced myself....” She +smiled crookedly at him, with a funny little grimace. +“You can’t get Nirvana without surrendering. I suppose +there’s some primal bug of hope in my system; +I still cherish the unattainable. I wish I had had the +courage to fling myself away, as nuns do. What +peace! To believe ... I can’t.... Here I am, +talking about myself....”</p> + +<p>“There ought to be some way,” Robert said, “to +live in the world and like it. I used to. At one time +I had things reduced to pretty simple terms. Lilah +has shaken me out of my security. She is like a +humming-bird, or something swift and alive. You’re +right—she has left me behind! My own world is +stale, and hers is beyond my comprehension. Those +darts and flights and quick stabs at things.... When +a man gets to be my age, he wants to stand on a sort +of hill and look off at his future. I’m too old to be +puffing up the nether side. Frankly, I don’t know +where Lilah is leading me, or whether, if I ever over-take +her, I shall see anything beyond. Have I said +too much? This isn’t in the nature of a confession. +I’m not disgruntled. Only I thought that you +might....”</p> + +<p>Grace interrupted: “I can’t analyze her. She +dazzles me. For all I know she is shallow water, but +I am more inclined to think that she is beyond our +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_118">[Pg 118]</span>depth, yours and mine. We’re making rather fools +of ourselves trying to reach her and drag her up to +our level into the common light of day. I adore her. +She is the only human being I’ve ever known I could +believe in, because she is absolutely honest.”</p> + +<p>“Then why—” Robert began.</p> + +<p>“Because you’ll never understand her! Dear old +Robert. You’re a brownstone-front and Lilah is an +English basement. You’ve inherited all the prejudices +and social quaverings of the ’Eighties. Lilah is—I +wish there were a superlative for the word modern; +would it be futurist? She has bolted into a new generation, +with all its recklessness and daring and passion +for facts. She likes things as they are, raw and +naked. And that makes her saner than you and me, +and safer.”</p> + +<p>“I’m not sure that you’re right,” Robert said after +a moment. “I think Lilah dodges reality. And what +I’m afraid of is that the facts will spring out from +ambush and hurt her terribly. I don’t want her hurt! +There’s something ... at times ... like a willful +child....” His expression changed. He became unaware +of Grace Fuller’s watchfulness. “I have failed +to show her anything.”</p> + +<hr class="tb"> + +<p>When Lilah came in at two o’clock, she found them +still together, in the library filmed with the smoke of +cigars and cigarettes and before a fire that had burned +out.</p> + +<p>She crossed the room swiftly, letting her gold cloak +slip away from her as the petals of a flower fold back +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_119">[Pg 119]</span>from a slender stamen. She was dressed in pollen +yellow with amber ornaments; barbaric ear-rings +brushed her shoulders. She wore no rings, not liking +them; her wedding ring had been discarded an hour +after her wedding.</p> + +<p>“Hello! Still awake? I thought you were sleepy, +Robert! Who has a cigarette? I came back before +I wanted to because I had twinges of conscience. I +thought afterwards, that you might be ill. It was +foolish of me. I made apologies to the Sinclairs and +painted a terrible picture—Robert with a fever. +They wanted me to go on to the Club, so I went. Reluctantly! +Now don’t you both feel silly? I danced +with Heifetz. He has eyes like agates set in satin +cushions. He dances divinely, but I was afraid he +might scratch one of his famous hands on this girdle +of mine—the beads are so sharp. He thought me +quite Austrian, not French. He is coming here with +that American violinist who made such a hit in Rome +and has married a pretty American girl when he had +a choice of titles and millions. It was really awfully +amusing. Poiret was there, looking us over. He is +rather like a Bedouin—Barker’s Constantine Madras. +He thinks American women potential; but they lack +something the French have. Now you know, both of +you, that we don’t know how to wear hats; if we’re +picturesque, we’re not <i>chic</i>, and if we’re <i>chic</i>, we’re +not picturesque. I’m sick and tired of hearing about +Cécile Sorel. Poiret raved, too, and there was a little +Roumanian attaché from Washington who declared +that she is the most beautiful woman in the world. +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_120">[Pg 120]</span>I can’t see it. She has a wonderful neck, but that +mouth! And there’s nothing subtle about flamingo-pink +ostrich feathers in a Roman helmet made out of +rhinestones. Bordoni is lovelier; she has the most +provocative feet in the world. Heifetz likes olive +women with eyebrows ... at least, I think so—he +danced with one and his expression was like the last +movement of Debussy’s <i>L’Après-Midi d’un Faune</i>.... +Another cigarette, Robert. Aren’t you two being +rather glum? What have you been talking about? +Me, of course! I suppose you dished me up from +soup to nuts. Is there anything left of me? Do you +like me? I’m a trusting soul, to leave you together! +Not a servant in sight and you two marooned in the +library, picking my mortal bones....”</p> + +<p>She perched on the arm of Robert’s chair and the +cloak fell to the floor. She was as alive, as vivacious, +as if the night were only begun. She had an imperishable +luster, a surface brilliance that was beginning +to harden, like the skin of a pearl....</p> + +<hr class="tb"> + +<p>Lilah dreaded the approach of Spring. Summer +meant the Point, where she had no one to stand between +Robert and herself except Junius. There had +been no appreciable abatement of the New York season; +very few people had gone South, since all eyes +were turning again toward Europe. Lilah suggested +Paris to Robert, but he was, for once, determined. +He expected her to go with him, in June, to Maine.</p> + +<p>Lilah had been launched with a certain momentum; +now she could not stop. She ran from one important +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_121">[Pg 121]</span>pleasure to another. Her time was taken up by the +meaningless activities of the young married set, the +débutantes of an immediate yesterday who were now +tasting freedom and a characteristic dissipation; marriage +seemed to be not a bondage but an excuse for +license; the manners, and the casual morality of these +matrons were the result, they said, of the War. Most +of them had married in a hurry, but there were no +signs of leisurely repentance; rather, divorce was +spoken of across the dinner-table and accomplished +after breakfast. Speech was reckless, profane and +satirical; there was nothing left to be shocked at because +everything had been said. Love was always +possible, but never probable unless tinged, at least, +with the illicit. Concessions were made to any one +who had “a line,” and lapses from social grace were +condoned and even glorified.</p> + +<p>There was, Lilah discovered, a code, astonishing +to the older generation. But this had always been +so. The difference lay, not in the code itself, but +in the mental condition that had produced it. This +generation had been hurled against the bayonets, into +the mud-pits and stench holes, the heroisms and pitiless +defeats of war. Brought up to believe in progress, +in their own infallibility and triumph, they had, +in adolescence, been stripped of their most inestimable +faith. It was natural that they should scorn both their +teachers and the untruth they had been fed, as with +a spoon. They made their own deductions; impatient, +ironic, and without sentiment, they raced forward.</p> + +<p>The men were more balanced than the women; a +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_122">[Pg 122]</span>preponderance of serious-minded men were intent on +finding out something, no matter what. Lilah listened +to much bitter speculation. While they speculated, +they either drank or danced or, without emotion, experimented +in the flesh.</p> + +<p>Lilah met some strange fish. There were times +when her over-stimulated mind refused to accept impressions +and she saw faces swimming, floating, +snatched away, reappearing, like the fantastic denizens +of an aquarium. The city required that a woman +should appear impervious to fatigue; Lilah fell into +the luxurious habit of having her tired face “patted” +into lines of animation at so much an hour. Tilted +back in a combination barber-chair and operating +table, she gave herself up to the fingers of a beauty +specialist. Lilah submitted to hours of manipulation; +her face was smothered in clay masks, packed in ice, +slapped, pinched, and stroked. These were her only +moments of relaxation. At the mercy of the expert, +her body rested, her mind swam in and out of the +mazes. At her side, upon a highly antiseptic glass +table, bottles and jars contained the supposedly mysterious +ingredients of youth; Lilah believed in their +advertised potency. Lulled by the touch of soothing +fingers and the odor of creams, lotions, tonics, herbs, +sachets, rouges and powders, Lilah spent hours in +these brocaded salons. Other hours, fixed appointments +rigorously kept, were spent at the hairdressers’, +where, before a triple mirror, beneath a cluster of +lights, her vanity was fed by a mannered Frenchman +who wielded the Marcel irons with a sort of tenderness. +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_123">[Pg 123]</span>Her hands, surrendered to a pale girl in black, +became smooth and pointed, tinted, polished. She +enjoyed the odor of this establishment—a combination +of violet brilliantine, singed hair and a Gallic +thrift.</p> + +<p>Early in February her life took a strange turn. She +went around a corner into a new street.</p> + +<hr class="tb"> + +<p>She had been invited, significantly, without Robert. +May Sinclair thought Robert a wet-blanket and had +said: “Come alone. It’s going to be a bit wild. +Robert wouldn’t understand. Give him his slippers +and leave him at home.”</p> + +<p>The Sinclairs lived in a Park Avenue apartment, +fifteen stories above ground. A columbarium maze of +small rooms had been transformed, by a judicious +knocking out of walls, into a stately salon. Upon +this lofty shelf Mrs. Sinclair lived and entertained, in +the fashion of modern New York, any one who amused +her.</p> + +<p>Lilah found the company already there. A man +sat at the piano, improvising. She recognized Montague +Wilder and his inevitable tumbler of whisky. +He couldn’t play, he said, unless he was thoroughly +drunk. Then he played divinely. He looked up as +Lilah came in and, not pausing, called: “Lilah! +Lovely Lilah! Dance for us! This is a waltz on a +poem by von Hofmanstahl. Listen! Isn’t it lovely? +Dance. Something Viennese! Cupids and garlands, +hoops and little waists....”</p> + +<p>Lilah lifted her arms. Suddenly she felt very gay +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_124">[Pg 124]</span>and triumphant. She was conscious of people sitting +in the shadowy corners of the room, watching her. +She began to waltz. The little square of cloth that +did for a train got between her feet and she caught +it up, exposing her ankles to the frank admiration of +her audience. No one said anything. This was the +lazy after-dinner hour before vivacity had worked its +way to the surface. Later, every one would talk at +once.</p> + +<p>Lilah said breathlessly: “Mrs. Vernon Castle!” +And waltzed into the arms of Chivers Chew, who was +the only man in the room on his feet. They whirled +for a minute (Chew danced abominably) and then +Lilah sat down beside Wilder. “That was wonderful, +Montague. But play something serious. Chopin.”</p> + +<p>“For God’s sake, Montague, cut it out,” Chew complained. +“I’m blue enough.”</p> + +<p>“Use your mind,” some one advised. “You can do +anything with your mind.”</p> + +<p>Montague Wilder improvised on the theme “Kalua.” +Glittering scales ornamented the melody; he took it +by the hand and led it into the Debussy half-tones, +so that the South Sea ragtime tune became a wistful +French song, a thing of strangeness and nuance. His +left hand reached for the whisky glass without seeming +to know what his right hand did, but there was no +break in the invention of technical feats. Through +this dissonance and unexpected harmony the familiar +melody seemed classical, important. “You’re wickedly +clever,” Lilah said.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_125">[Pg 125]</span></p> + +<p>“Wait until I’ve had a quart,” he answered. “I’ll +play the D-flat waltz in thirds. Rosenthal could do +it, but no one else ever has.”</p> + +<p>“Who’s here?” Lilah asked.</p> + +<p>“Oh, the Heywoods. Pound, the shipbuilder. He’s +middle-class English. ‘The wife’ is with him and she’s +worse. Carey; the Hawaiian Carey. Miss Wagner—pronounced +with a wag. Putnam Flagg and a girl +from San Diego who writes. May has never drawn +such a hand—aces and eights! Why are <i>we</i> here?”</p> + +<p>“Who is Putnam Flagg?” Lilah interrupted.</p> + +<p>“I don’t know.”</p> + +<p>“What is May going to do with us?”</p> + +<p>“The opera. Then back here. And then talk, until +morning.”</p> + +<p>“Talk?”</p> + +<p>May Sinclair unfolded and rose from a long sofa +upholstered in taupe velvet. “Come on! ‘Butterfly’!”</p> + +<p>“‘Butterfly’! Good God,” Wilder groaned.</p> + +<p>“Let’s stay here and play, you and I,” Lilah whispered.</p> + +<p>“No, you don’t!” May Sinclair’s clear, high voice +came between them. “Drink that whisky, Montague, +and bring Lilah! Farrar’s singing.”</p> + +<p>“Worse and worse,” Montague Wilder said. But +he rose, and Lilah found her wrap.</p> + +<p>In the elevator she brushed shoulders with a tall +man who stared at her down his nose. May Sinclair +never introduced any one. This, Lilah supposed, was +Putnam Flagg. Afterwards, long afterwards, it used +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_126">[Pg 126]</span>to amuse her to think of their meeting in a stuffy little +elevator that slid down fifteen stories while they stared +at each other.</p> + +<p>He had a curious, rather flat nose, eyes like an animal +and the beautifully modeled full mouth of a satyr.</p> + +<p>They did not speak, but Lilah thought: “I hope +May will let him come with me.”</p> + +<p>The Sinclair motor waited at the curb, and Lilah +hung back, pretending to adjust the collar of her wrap. +She heard Mrs. Sinclair call: “Lilah! Lilah!” With +a flurry, the writer from San Diego and the elder +Carey embarked, the Englishman and his wife followed +and the attendant, closing the door of the limousine, +signaled for Lilah’s little brougham.... She +was to have the tall man and Montague Wilder to herself.</p> + +<p>She beckoned to them; the car slipped into the +stream of downtown traffic upon the heels of May +Sinclair’s crowded chariot, and again she became conscious +of the pressure of her shoulder against his.</p> + +<p>“I am Mrs. Peabody,” she explained.</p> + +<p>“Major Flagg,” he answered briefly.</p> + +<p>They did not speak again until a skillful and precarious +landing had been made before the Opera. It +was Montague Wilder’s monologue. He complained +on the way across town that opera in New York was +debased, a commercial side-show. There were no +voices worth mentioning. No one below the peanut +heaven knew anything about music; tradition was lost +on the balance of the house, and therefore the singers +played fast and loose with the scores. He had heard +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_127">[Pg 127]</span>a distinguished prima donna cheat three times in one +evening, substituting a b flat for a high c to the rage +and mortification of Moranzoni; but the audience was +unaware, so why bother to sing? Galli flatted to her +heart’s content. Now that Caruso was gone, there +was no one. No one, that is, save Diaz, who was permitted +to sing once or twice a season—it was worth +going a thousand miles to hear him do the prologue +of the “Coq d’Or” and the rag-picker in “Louise.”</p> + +<p>But who could sing “Depuis le Jour” since Mary +had gone to Chicago? Jeritza would snuff out like a +rocket, in two years, or less. She was too damned +Teutonic....</p> + +<p>In the lobby, May Sinclair gathered her aces and +eights and led them around the red velvet corridors +to her box. She was a tall, blonde, long-waisted +woman who had reduced from two hundred to one +hundred and thirty-five pounds in less than a year +and had had a sort of personal renaissance, a rebirth. +From a fat placidity, a dowdy gentleness, she had entered +upon a willowy emotionalism; she was enormously +interested in what she had, for years, surrendered +because of her sense of the fitness of things. +She was experimenting; it was no longer ridiculous +to experiment. She was forty but she was not fat.</p> + +<p>Butterfly’s relatives were retreating before a matter-of-fact +Pinkerton, sung by Martinelli. Farrar, in a +nasturtium-red kimono with a metallic obi, her blue-black +hair a pinwheel of lacquered ornaments, +crouched before an artificial cherry tree in the fullness +of unnatural blossoming. Lilah saw the stage, a pool +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_128">[Pg 128]</span>of light, and the two small gesticulating figures, across +the shoulders of Mrs. Sinclair and the writer from +San Diego. That music, melting, propitiating, assailed +her, like a personal appeal. <i>Bimba, dagli occhi +pieni di malia—</i></p> + +<p>If Martinelli would only cut his hair....</p> + +<p>The house was not crowded, but, as always, the +boxes made a show—poor relatives of the holders, or +relatives of the poor relatives, or music teachers, or +God knows who.... Lilah had not heard “Butterfly” +often enough to be bored. But Montague Wilder +had curled up in the ante-room and had gone sound +asleep.</p> + +<p>Suddenly Lilah’s eyes turned to Major Flagg. She +had wanted him to be watching her, and he was. +Their eyes held. It was a game. His eyes were unwavering +and yet something kept flickering in them; +it was as if a shutter opened and closed. Whenever +she was about to leap into his eyes, he shut her out. +More than anything she had ever wanted, she wanted +to get by that barrier, whatever it was, into his eyes. +Once inside, she could conquer him, but never so long +as he kept her out.</p> + +<p>She had not spoken to him except to say that she +was Mrs. Peabody and to receive his polite but noncommittal +answer.</p> + +<p>He was winning the game....</p> + +<p>Lilah shrugged her shoulders and turned back to +the stage, where Pinkerton, feeling carefully behind +him for the steps, drew Butterfly into the <i>dolce dimora</i>. +Farrar, abandoned, Carmen in a kimono, swayed forward, +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_129">[Pg 129]</span>lost in ecstasy; her feet, in gold lacquer sandals, +mounted the steps, slowly, slowly, as her head +tilted back to that kiss on the threshold....</p> + +<p>“Oh, God,” Montague Wilder said, sitting up, +disheveled and sleepy. “Puccini! Lilah—let’s go +back and drink more of May’s Scotch.”</p> + +<p>She shook her head.</p> + +<p>It was no use pretending they had not looked at +each other like that.</p> + +<p>In the corridor, pacing up and down with Mrs. +Sinclair, who couldn’t find any one to smile at because +it was a parade of “loans,” Lilah heard in snatches +that Putnam Flagg was “queer,” that he had “ideas.” +He had been gassed and had a bad heart. It made +Mrs. Sinclair jumpy because at any moment he might +faint.</p> + +<p>“Talk to him, Lilah, I can’t.” Mrs. Sinclair caught +sight of old “Rosie” Jackson and shed Lilah.</p> + +<p>Lilah found herself at Flagg’s side. He was too +tall. She felt little and silly. But more than that +she was excited, a dangerous, unfamiliar excitement. +She could not explain it, then, or later. He spoke of +the opera. He liked it. He liked Farrar. “Because +she is alive. A woman like that....”</p> + +<p>“Well?”</p> + +<p>“Magnificent! Not quite feminine.”</p> + +<p>“Do you know her?”</p> + +<p>“No. I shouldn’t want to.”</p> + +<p>“Why?”</p> + +<p>“I hate finding sawdust in dolls.”</p> + +<p>“Perhaps you wouldn’t.”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_130">[Pg 130]</span></p> + +<p>“I might.” He smiled down at her. “And then +I’d have one less enthusiasm. I can’t do with too +few! It’s lonely enough as it is. Rows of ’em, prone, +with the sawdust spilling out of their heads! Leave +me Farrar, please.”</p> + +<p>After a moment he said: “This is the first opera +I’ve heard in five years. I’ve been in New Mexico +for two years. Before that, in France, I didn’t care +to go. I hope Mrs. Sinclair won’t leave early. I +want to be in at the death.”</p> + +<p>“Montague Wilder would consider you very unsophisticated. +He laughs at Puccini, or, as you know, +he goes to sleep.”</p> + +<p>Flagg seemed for a moment to consider. “I don’t +dare to laugh at things,” he said presently. “It’s +dangerous. You begin by laughing at your pet little +detestations and you wind up by losing your big +faiths. It doesn’t pay to be too fastidious.”</p> + +<p>“Doesn’t it?” Lilah said lightly.</p> + +<p>He shut her out again. As if embarrassed by having +made a confidence, he turned his head away. +People were staring at them and Lilah wondered +whether she had been recognized. Her photograph, +taken by a flattering man of title against a background +of Florentine brocade, had been published broadcast +in those magazines whose business it is to foster the +idea that an American society really exists. Lilah +had discovered that it is not altogether easy to get +yourself advertised, even though you happened to be +Mrs. Robert Peabody. But she had taken this hurdle, +as she took all of them, with alacrity, and it was therefore +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_131">[Pg 131]</span>not improbable that this strolling crowd stared +at her for the reason that the American crowd loves +its celebrity as the Englishman loves his duke. Ordinarily, +she would have been content to enjoy the flattery +implied by this attention alone, but to-night her +pleasure was doubled because she particularly wanted +this man to be aware of her. He could scarcely be +unaware that she was attracting attention.</p> + +<p>At the box door, Mrs. Sinclair waited with the air +of being about to sweep them into a net. “We’re +going on to the Rendezvous after the second act. +Montague’s fearfully bored and Carey has a Gilda +Gray complex. I hope you won’t mind, you two.”</p> + +<p>Flagg made a polite if not enthusiastic gesture and +Lilah, catching his eyes deliberately, permitted her +own to say: “I’m sorry, for your sake.”</p> + +<p>As they entered the box, he remarked simply: “I +have a rotten heart and can’t dance.... Who is +Gilda Gray?”</p> + +<p>“She is a lovely, initiated, transplanted savage,” +Lilah explained, “who dances the hula-hula on Forty-fourth +Street.”</p> + +<p>Again their eyes held. The lights dimmed; with a +sigh, a rustle, the great audience faced again the glowing +proscenium. Lilah had a curious sensation of +being isolated, alone, in a crowded emptiness, with +this man. Life, for the moment, was immeasurably +suspended. There was a dignity, a beauty about the +impending, the imminent disaster. She would love +this man. She could not help herself. She paused, +amazed, before the strangeness and the splendor of +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_132">[Pg 132]</span>that recognition. The moment prolonged itself, until, +in the fixed and intense meeting of their eyes there +was mutual declaration. It seemed that they must +sit thus, strangers, in a shadowy balcony above a pool +of music, forever....</p> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> +<div class="chapter"> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_133">[Pg 133]</span></p> + + + <h2 class="nobreak" id="VI"> + VI + </h2> +</div> + + +<p class="dropcap"><span class="upper-case">When</span> Lilah returned to the Thirty-eighth +Street house, late that night, it was her inclination +to avoid any encounter with +Robert. She hoped that he had fallen asleep. Dismissing +the servant, Lilah entered the electric elevator, +another of De Blauvelt’s innovations, and got out on +the second floor. The door was noisy and as she +turned toward her room she saw a light flash on in +Robert’s room across the hall. He called: “Lilah?”</p> + +<p>“Yes,” she said, and paused, holding her breath. +She ought to go in. But she could not. She felt that +her excitement had written itself on her face and she +hated to invent reasons for that animation. She +wanted most of all to be alone and to see herself, +clearly, before she went further. Robert might surprise +her into saying something before she was ready.</p> + +<p>“I’m tired,” she called out. “Good night!”</p> + +<p>She locked herself into her room, suddenly determined +to have her way. She must deal with this new +feeling before anything happened to diminish it, to +mar its shining beauty. Robert expected to be kissed; +it was a part of the utterly stupid and peremptory +rite of marriage, devoid of spontaneous affection or +of that emotion which is led up to, prepared, by word +and touch. Why did he insist, when he knew that +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_134">[Pg 134]</span>it was a conventional gesture and could lead to nothing, +create nothing, change nothing? She heard his +hand sliding over the panels of the door, and again he +called: “Lilah?”</p> + +<p>She saw herself reflected in all the mirrors in an +attitude of disgust and rebellion and she was struck +by her loneliness. No one could help her. This was +a primitive feeling, so powerful that it was all she +could do not to hurl her dismissal at the closed door. +What, in a man she loved, would have been lovable, +in Robert was revolting.</p> + +<p>“Go away,” she said in a low voice.</p> + +<p>At once he was silent, as if she had struck him +dead. She listened for the sound of his retreating +footsteps, but she could hear nothing. He must have +gone swiftly, silently; or else was still standing there, +his hand suspended, his gesture arrested by something +final in her voice.</p> + +<p>She spoke again: “I’m very tired.”</p> + +<p>There was no answer. And slowly she undressed, +trembling as if there had been an actual disaster.</p> + +<p>She slipped into bed and switched off the light. The +silence of the room was permeated by a low and continuous +sound, a distant mingling of voices, victorious, +hopeless, a vast, removed dissonance.... The +city.</p> + +<p>She got up again and kneeled by an open window. +There, the sound took form, was less terrifying. The +street, beneath a moon at the full, was empty, like a +street in a nightmare. Office buildings were like pyramids +in a forest of pyramids, inscrutable, lifeless. +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_135">[Pg 135]</span>And one tower, higher than the rest, was pierced by +a loggia, rimmed with moonlight, romantic.</p> + +<p>She tried to piece together the fragmentary happenings +of that evening. The idea came to her that perhaps +she had over-estimated Flagg’s interest; her own +had been immediate, sharp, an emotion more penetrating +than anything she had experienced. The +meeting had upset her whole philosophy of conduct; +she had thought herself safe within the defined circle +of her material desires; her inner self, what idealists +were pleased to call her soul, she had believed secure +against temptation; beauty, in things, was to have +been enough. And now she saw, dimly, that she had +stepped outside the circle into a strange territory +where beauty, to be beauty at all, must be of the +spirit.</p> + +<p>She recalled their silence in the motor, the brief +contact of shoulders, an ostentatious indifference +when, seated at the Rendezvous, their interest had +either to disguise itself or be subjected to remark. +Flagg had not danced, but Lilah did, because it was +expected of her. The writer from San Diego claimed +Flagg. She was witty and tangibly human, a woman, +Lilah decided, in daylight. Broad of feature, with a +tanned skin and careless braids of thick brown hair, +she had an enviable indifference to what men thought +of her which assured her their instant, delighted attention. +Whenever Flagg laughed Lilah’s heart contracted +with something like hate. She had thought +herself incapable of jealousy. What she felt was +worse than jealousy; it was a primitive, an atrocious +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_136">[Pg 136]</span>suffering. She had gone on dancing, smiling, but her +eyes had sought Flagg again and again, had sought, +across the crowded room blue with smoke and dust, +confirmation of something she had only glimpsed and +might have imagined—his head, the short, smooth +hair, his features, his expression of humorous, sensitive +understanding. He leaned a little sideways, to +catch the ironic comments of the sun-burned lady +from San Diego, but his eyes never failed to meet +Lilah’s, to let her in a little way and then, abruptly, +to shut her out....</p> + +<p>Once, she had found herself alone at the table with +him.</p> + +<p>“You have shown yourself to me,” he said abruptly +in a lowered voice, staring away from her at the +crowd. “Perhaps because of something in me or because +of something that has happened to make you +careless. No. Don’t interrupt. You are right. We +are not alike but we are different enough to be dangerous +to each other. I am going to be frank with +you. Nothing could have flattered me more than +your being aware of me, for now I know that something +I thought had died in me is still alive. But I +can’t be what you might want me to be. I can’t play +any game but my own. You see, I have chosen to +stay alive at the expense of my old enthusiasms—and +failings. I have only a margin of life. Like that +chap of Conrad’s, I have an enemy in my breast. I +must be watchful and I must feel nothing. And here +you are, commanding me to feel. I haven’t any existence +of my own. I am dedicated to my unstable +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_137">[Pg 137]</span>heart, fending off reality to spare myself a damnable +pain that makes me red in the face, sick, unconscious.... +I haven’t any life of my own. I am as dead as +dust. I am a man who buys life, day by day, simply +by sparing his heart.... Love is selfish.... If I +love you, it will be selfishly. I warn you. I have no +desire to play the game of hide-and-seek, to dodge +jealous husbands. I haven’t anything to offer you—either +money or feeling or security.”</p> + +<p>Lilah had said quickly: “Thank you! You are +very explicit.”</p> + +<p>A momentary fear passed to leave her trembling. +She realized that while he was speaking she had lost +all sense of the crowding dancers, the barbaric throb +of the music, their publicity. She put up her hand +to hide what she knew must be an expression of utter +rage.</p> + +<p>“Even to-day,” she began, in an unsteady voice, +“when anything is permitted—you dare—I don’t understand—”</p> + +<p>Suddenly he turned and looked at her. “Even to-day +preliminary skirmishes are ridiculous. I beg +your pardon. I took it for granted that you were +experienced enough to hear the truth.”</p> + +<p>They were interrupted by Chivers Chew who bore +Lilah away without the formality of an apology to +Flagg; he rose and let Lilah go with the conventional +reluctance. In Chew’s arms, held too close, Lilah suffered +panic. She had no idea what Flagg had meant; +whether he had laughed at her or whether, without +question, he wanted her. Whatever he had intended, +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_138">[Pg 138]</span>one thing was certain, the feeling she had wanted to +avoid was being thrust upon her. The immediate +future held a great selfishness or a great daring. This +feeling was bound to assert itself or destroy her. She +could not be certain that it was, in the romantic sense, +love.</p> + +<p>She could not, even now, be certain; kneeling in +the open window with her blank gaze on the city, she +wondered....</p> + +<p>They had not spoken again. She might not see +him, ever. But that was impossible! She had left +the party, at one o’clock, to come home alone. Her +coming had been in the nature of a flight, an escape +from an intangible danger, a fatal, desirable, disastrous +happiness....</p> + +<p>She rose, with a sudden impulse to go back.... +They would be at May Sinclair’s apartment, talking, +drinking, until dawn....</p> + +<p>She switched on the electric light again. Her cloak +lay across a chair. She threw it over her shoulders, +thrust her bare feet into the slippers that lay where +she had kicked them off and opened the door.</p> + +<p>Robert was standing outside, his face curiously +puckered. “Where on earth are you going?” he demanded.</p> + +<p>Lilah said furiously: “Why on earth are you listening +at my door?”</p> + +<p>“I wasn’t listening.”</p> + +<p>He lifted his arms. “I forgot. You spoke to me.... +I was waiting.... Well, by God, I was a fool!”</p> + +<p>Lilah closed the door. Her teeth were chattering. +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_139">[Pg 139]</span>She flung the wrap aside. “Go away. Go away,” she +said. “Go away.”</p> + +<hr class="tb"> + +<p>It seemed of sudden, vital importance that she +should be happy. Since there was no certain immortality, +temporal happiness was necessary at any cost. +She had been cheated because she did not love; but +Robert had loved her, still loved her. He had failed +because he had not fulfilled the promise of that moment +in the fog. He was like all prosaic lovers; he +had thought of nothing better to say than: “Poor +Lilah! Poor little girl.” She had always despised +pity. She denied all the feminine attributes other +women used as defensive weapons. She preferred admiration +to sympathy; and in this she was unusual; +most women like to cry against a masculine shoulder. +Lilah wanted the fullness of success, recognition of +her strength.</p> + +<p>She went to the telephone and in a cautious voice +gave Mrs. Sinclair’s number.</p> + +<p>“Lilah!” The high, clear tones came into the receiver +against a confused background of music and +voices. “I thought you found us dull!”</p> + +<p>“May I come back?”</p> + +<p>“Now?” Then, with a burst of amused laughter: +“Of course! Come.”</p> + +<p>Lilah called a taxi and dressed hurriedly. From +her window she saw the car slip down the hill from +Madison Avenue and the driver, jumping out, glanced +up.... He mustn’t ring! Mustn’t!</p> + +<p>She flew downstairs. Robert’s door was closed. +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_140">[Pg 140]</span>If he heard, he made no attempt, this time, to stop +her. The house was dimly lighted, muffled, close; +there was an unreality about the formal arrangement +of chairs, the stiff, precise folds of curtains and +draperies, as if no one had ever lived in these rooms +or passed up and down the stairs.... The thought +crossed Lilah’s mind that she had, after all, failed to +create a livable home. Her heart hadn’t been in +it....</p> + +<p>She made violent signals to the chauffeur of the +taxi: “<i>Don’t ring!</i> Here I am! Take me to four-seventy +Park.”</p> + +<p>The man gave her a curious look as he shut the +door. Then she realized that it was three o’clock.</p> + +<hr class="tb"> + +<p>Mrs. Sinclair’s party was still in progress. The +formal luxury of the room had been put askew. +Wilder was at the piano. Carey sat cross-legged on +a table, singing Hawaiian ditties in a soft, saccharine +voice. With shut eyes and upcurling lips, he was +like an elderly Buddha in a dinner-jacket.</p> + +<p>Lilah saw immediately that Flagg was there and +her heart leaped, but she said, smiling at him: “I’m +not a bit of a coward. I came back to apologize.”</p> + +<p>They sat down together, unexpectedly embarrassed. +It was not possible to fence effectively before a roomful +of people. But Lilah felt that she had committed +herself. She studied his face, his well-modeled hands. +He was harder, more mature than Robert; the nature +of his aloofness was not clear to her. Either he was +cruel, or he was removed, by the nature of his experience, +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_141">[Pg 141]</span>from ordinary behavior. He said nothing but +sat with his eyes on the fire which had burned low +in a shallow hearth of yellow and black marble. May +Sinclair was flirting, in her intense, experimental fashion, +with Chivers Chew. The shipbuilding Englishman +and his wife had disappeared. Nearby, stretched +at full length with her head in Heywood’s lap, the +writer from San Diego was explaining the hows and +the whys of the short-story game:</p> + +<p>“It’s perfectly easy. Any boob can do it. All you +have to know is human nature and God knows human +nature doesn’t cringe from publicity, these days! All +of us skin our souls in public. I’m successful because +I skin mine a little closer. I give the public +naked hearts, as you hand around olives at a picnic—on +a pickle fork! People are sick and tired of +flappers. They want ‘strong stuff,’ be it pseudo or +not; heroic love and sacrifice. Divorce has lost its +novelty. I’ve been writing the most exalted morality-tales.... +You’ll see—in another year skirts will go +down and manners will go up. It isn’t going to be +fashionable to lie with your head on a strange gentleman’s +bony knee—”</p> + +<p>“Then why do you do it?” Heywood demanded, +not stirring.</p> + +<p>“Because it’s quite roguish in San Diego.”</p> + +<p>“San Diego—where on earth is San Diego?”</p> + +<p>Lilah turned to Flagg. He smiled. “What a lot +of rubbish! Why do people generalize about taste +and morals? To-day, when propriety is a vice in +New York, a cigarette is immoral in San Diego. And +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_142">[Pg 142]</span>if skirts go down in New York, they’ll go up in San +Diego, because San Diego is always two years behind—and +what does that prove?”</p> + +<p>He leaned forward, lowered his voice: “Is it decided, +then? Are we to go on?”</p> + +<p>Lilah said simply: “Yes.”</p> + +<p>She rose, tossing her cigarette away. She was languid +again; her eyes drooped. She brushed against +him, but he sat, immovable, his expression guarded.</p> + +<hr class="tb"> + +<p>“May,” she said, “I don’t like your party. I’m +going home.”</p> + +<p>“Have a drink,” was the succinct reply.</p> + +<p>Lilah’s hostess did not trouble to rise. And Chivers +Chew, peering over the back of the sofa with a blurred +expression said: “Don’t be a grouch, Lilah! We’re +all danced out. Listen to Carey. He’s on the fiftieth +verse of the Hawaiian poem in praise of the first Missionary +Carey, who had fifteen wives and sixty-two +sons. Tune in—there’s a good girl.”</p> + +<p>Flagg followed Lilah into the corridor. His offer +to accompany her was, in its tempered formality, old-fashioned. +She could not understand just wherein he +differed from the men she knew; he was more bold, +more direct than they, but he seemed devoid of the +fashionable carelessness which made them, very often, +insulting. The women were responsible for most of +it—they let themselves be slapped on the back and +addressed as “old girl.”</p> + +<p>As they stepped into the elevator they heard Montague +Wilder entering upon the D-flat waltz, in thirds.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_143">[Pg 143]</span></p> + +<p>“The stale hour,” Flagg remarked, as they waited +on the curb for a night-prowler. With his cane he +signalled a skulking vehicle that turned out of a side-street. +A sharp, cool wind whipped Lilah’s cloak; +the sky was already pale with dawn. But the streets +were deserted; in pools of light cast by the tall, globed +arcs, an occasional figure was visible, unreal, moving +upon strange errands; cars passed, rarely, with a +smooth purring of tires, bearing shadowy, drooping +women, and men in the attitude of relaxed satiety.</p> + +<p>Flagg did not speak, and Lilah became conscious of +his unswerving regard.</p> + +<p>“I don’t understand what’s happened,” she said unsteadily. +“I am not willing—I want happiness. But +I can’t hurt, too much, some one who has been kind +to me. I’m selfish. You’ll see. I want—things. +But this is new. I don’t know. I’m frightened.”</p> + +<p>“Don’t be,” he said.</p> + +<p>He continued to stare at her. He seemed to be +dreaming, sunk in a reverie. Lilah’s fear deepened. +If he had touched her, or had spoken, she would have +thrust him aside with all of her accustomed scorn +and impatience. But there was something in his silence +that was devotional, innocent, almost immaterial. +She recognized that he was above self, absorbed in +her.... With a shiver, she recalled Robert, at her +door....</p> + +<p>The taxi swerved and stopped before the Thirty-eighth +Street house.</p> + +<p>Lilah gave her hand into Flagg’s clasp and as they +looked again at each other her lips trembled. She +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_144">[Pg 144]</span>heard herself asking him to come, as soon as possible; +then, conscious of a too apparent eagerness, she +added: “Thursday. I’m fearfully busy.”</p> + +<p>“To-morrow.”</p> + +<p>“No. No. I can’t. Give me a day or two. +Thursday, at four.”</p> + +<hr class="tb"> + +<p>At breakfast, Lilah said sweetly: “Was I cross last +night? I’m sorry.”</p> + +<p>Robert lowered the newspaper. His answer surprised +her, but she did not alter her smile that had +in it a touch of malice. “Cross? No. Why?”</p> + +<p>“I thought perhaps—”</p> + +<p>“I’m going to the Point,” he interrupted. “My +grandfather isn’t well.”</p> + +<p>“Oh, Robert—”</p> + +<p>“It’s not serious,” he said. And added, with no apparent +irony: “I’ll come back!”</p> + +<p>Lilah lowered her eyes to hide her expression. This +little circumstance, unlooked for, outside her volition +or her intention, was a part of her unfailing luck. In +every circumstance, she was triumphant.</p> + +<p>“I’m terribly sorry,” she began.</p> + +<p>“He has a cold. Damned nuisance! Old men +shouldn’t have colds. He might die. I’m fond of +him. And besides, he holds the business together. +An enormous amount of correspondence goes to the +Point. In the end, he makes all the important decisions, +defines policies—his preferences are respected. +If he should die, I would have to take his place. But +there are other reasons why I don’t want him to die.”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_145">[Pg 145]</span></p> + +<p>“Shall I go?” Lilah asked. “I will. But wouldn’t +Grace be more useful?”</p> + +<p>“He doesn’t need a nurse. He’s lonely. If you +will come with me, and wear your prettiest dresses +and perhaps play poker with him—he will get well. +Old people sometimes die because they are ignored. +They live alone until they lose the sense of their own +reality; they sort of—vanish.”</p> + +<p>Lilah said briefly: “Let me see his letter.”</p> + +<p>Junius Peabody’s fine, careful writing with the curious, +looped s’s covered half a sheet of stationery. He +said simply that he would be glad of company since +he was confined to his bed and feverish. “They won’t +let me up, confound them!”</p> + +<p>“He’s not very ill,” Lilah remarked. “You go, and +if I’m really needed, wire me.” She added: “You’ll +be happy, because you love the country. And I have +a great deal to do. Oh, unimportant things! But if +I’m to go away in June, I won’t have more than just +enough time to get ready.”</p> + +<p>When Robert said: “Very well,” she had the feeling +that she was safe. The immediate future held, +not the necessity for speaking a dangerous truth, but +an adventure, delectable, mysterious, exciting.</p> + +<p>Suddenly gracious, she gave her hand to Robert. +“I’ll miss you, cross old Bobsie,” she said sweetly.</p> + +<hr class="tb"> + +<p>The next two weeks were as exciting as she could +have wished.</p> + +<p>She heard from Robert that his grandfather was +better but that the spaniel had canker of the ear. +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_146">[Pg 146]</span>“It’s terrible. She moans like a human being and +shakes her head and tries to get her hind foot into +her ear. The vet came—that old fellow from Biddeford—and +operated. Last night I sat up until four +o’clock putting ice on her nose and pouring stuff into +her ear. She wouldn’t sleep and kept looking at me. +I’ve been away too long. Edwin shut her head in a +door because she wanted to get into the warm kitchen +and lie under the stove. My God, why can’t people +understand that animals are human? I’ll never like +Edwin again. It makes me sick to look at him. If +I had a son, I’d act this way, only worse. The silver +bitch is the only son I’ve ever had.... I’ve been +thinking over you and me. I have failed with you +and I don’t know why. No one could love you more +than I do. But I suffer in my love, and that isn’t +right—love ought not to betray, but it seems to. Will +you help me? Perhaps you know what I mean. If +we had a son, there would be no complications. Last +night when I sat there giving that pup pieces of ice +that melted as if I’d put them on a red-hot stove, I +saw a good many things clearly. The ice ran over +my hand and up my arm and ruined my shirt, and +at the risk of your hating me I’ll tell you that I cried +like a baby and my tears ruined my tie. When I +got through I looked like the sole survivor of the +Flood. (You write Biblical words with capitals, don’t +you?) And, as I was saying, certain things were sort +of washed clean or clear, or both. If I could only +put my thoughts down on paper so that you would +understand! I know that if I could explain myself +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_147">[Pg 147]</span>to you, you’d come, quick! Love shouldn’t be a sacrifice; +it should be a service. That goes down easily +on paper, but it took hours to bubble up out of my +unconscious. And another thing, it doesn’t pay to +go running around looking for new material to work +with. What you have at hand is usually workable, +if you are patient enough. Success is, after all, making +what you have into a decent sort of achievement. +The people who fail are the ones who kick about never +having had a chance. We all have a chance. I could +be specific, only I won’t. I am offering myself to +you as a lump of clay for your fashioning. You might +make something of me—the life-size statue of a happy +man. Isn’t it worth trying?”</p> + +<p>Lilah did not know what to answer; she postponed +answering, and, after a while, forgot. The issue was +not pressing. To placate Robert, she sent a wire: +“Love to you both. Lilah.”</p> + +<p>These two weeks were exclusively her own. She +did not want to serve love or to use the material at +hand. She hated smug, decent, stereotyped domesticity. +Other women could spend year after year with +the details of a home and children; it was unthinkable +that she should surrender to monotony. She +must live to the full; she was willing, she assured +herself, to take both the reward and the punishment. +The penalty, however, was too remote to be considered.</p> + +<p>Putnam Flagg had been a professor before he became +a major. He preferred the first title to the +second, since he declared that he was not, by nature, +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_148">[Pg 148]</span>a soldier. He disapproved of the advantage offered +by rank and insignia to men who might be disposed +to bully their inferiors, but he approved of awards +that carried with them nothing but recognition of +work well done. As a teacher and a scientist, he had +known abstract adventure; no war could equal the +hazards of research. Yet his ability had forced him +into the most terrible branch of warfare and, as an +expert in the use of poison-gas, he had had a dose of +his own medicine. This struck him as an altogether +exquisite justice; he had been an unwilling but an +intelligent servant of his country—once convinced of +his duty he had used all of his knowledge, and had, +temporarily, laid aside his scruples. He despised war, +but he also despised despotism. He was one of the +few thinkers whose faith had not been shaken by the +tragedy; rather, he emerged from it with an even +deeper belief in man’s progress. Flagg was convinced +that society had gone too far to turn back; surrender, +discouragement, meant annihilation; the battle must +be fought to the end.</p> + +<p>He did not shrink from facts; he believed that the +esthetic imagination would be supplanted by the +scientific imagination. There was no limit to the audacity +of man; no limit to what he might dare, what +he might do....</p> + +<p>Flagg was to go back to his university in the Autumn. +Lilah got a very definite picture of a small +city, a group of Gothic buildings unhallowed by age, +the plain, a wide river, brown polished, slow and resistless.... +Flagg would have a house “on the +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_149">[Pg 149]</span>campus” and a small laboratory of his own. Three +times a week, in a Gothic room, before an un-Gothic +audience of farmers’ sons and business men in embryo, +he would lecture. His “subject” he told her, +was zoölogy. Lilah shuddered. She could not understand +Mendelian heredity, but she had understood +what Junius Peabody said about the adult being in +some manner contained within the germ. She could +not see what was gained, exactly, by knowing.... In +the end, you always stumbled upon God, and the inscrutable +beginnings.</p> + +<p>“We must make certain,” Flagg said, “that there +is not a God beyond God. Perhaps our conception is +childish.”</p> + +<p>Lilah put her hand over his mouth. “Let’s not +talk about it. I’m more interested in your college, +your guinea pigs and rabbits and test tubes.”</p> + +<p>His smile was mocking. “Guinea pigs and God,” +he remarked. Suddenly he caught her hands. “I +think I love you because you are beautiful. There’s +nothing else to love! Yet I love you! Do you care? +Or are you playing with me?”</p> + +<p>Lilah had not, so far, committed herself. They +were spending an hour before her fire, sharing the +French sofa that had been too small for Robert. +Flagg’s touch frightened her.</p> + +<p>She had been so happy. A week had passed like a +day; it had contained the essence of experience. If +she let herself love, she must face exile in a western +university town—but that was impossible; Flagg +would not be spared because he happened to be an +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_150">[Pg 150]</span>unusual and valuable man. She would have to wait, +and divorce Robert. She saw a year, two years, of +postponement, poverty again, criticism, ugliness, the +battle to justify passion. If she did not love, there +was Robert, and this, and this—A house! Or +Flagg might die....</p> + +<p>Her hands trembled in his, but she was obstinately +silent. Outside, a heavy rain fell, obliterating, for +the moment, the rumble of traffic in Madison Avenue. +A servant, or Grace Fuller, might come in and find +her hands in this man’s hands, her face, with a look +of lost desire, turned up to his.... If she kissed +him, she knew, she would be powerless to turn back +to the facile little enthusiasms of her life. If she +didn’t kiss him, she would be safe, forever, in her +rooms frescoed by Shawhan and decorated by De +Blauvelt, in her chosen interests, in the perfunctory +embraces of her marriage.</p> + +<p>On the other hand, there was happiness. Happiness, +at that moment, seemed terrible, a dark undertaking, +something forbidden and murderous. It involved +Robert. The intensity of that moment in the +fog, when she had promised Robert love, was nothing +more than a betrayal. She must not promise again, +and fail.</p> + +<p>Somehow this feeling was different. She was +swayed by more than her own part in the drama; for +once she turned out from herself toward another human +being. Pity had no part in her love for Flagg; +his affliction was not evident; she had learned to accept +his guarded manner as part of his personality. +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_151">[Pg 151]</span>His appearance—that length and leanness and the +pagan outlines of his face—stirred her. His eyes were +brown, without sparkle, lifted, under heavy lids, like +the eyes of a cat. “You belong in mythology,” she +said. He was not ready to her hand; she felt always +that he might turn suddenly, with a feline indifference, +and walk away from her. He seemed always to +be amused by her artificialities, yet delighted, as if +he had come upon an unusually winning little mouse.</p> + +<p>She wanted to hate him, because it would be more +comfortable to hate than to love him. Without quite +knowing what she did, but staring straight into his +eyes with a look full of questioning, she leaned forward +until their lips met.</p> + +<p>He whispered: “Lilah!” and caught her close to +him. When she heard his heart beating, she realized +what she had done. She could not draw away.... +This was the reality of giving. She must keep it.... +How beautiful! How final! She could not turn +back, undo what she had done, or cease to feel what +she was feeling.... Helpless, she leaned against +him, hardly conscious of his lips on her forehead, her +hair. He kept on whispering: “Lilah! Lilah!” She +had not expected him to be so gentle. When finally +she opened her eyes and pushed him away, she saw +that he was suffering. His face was flushed, transformed, +made ugly and pathetic by pain. The feeling +of death was there, tangible, sickening.... His +eyes were wide open, and in them an expression of +surprise deepened into horror.</p> + +<p>Lilah cried: “Your heart!”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_152">[Pg 152]</span></p> + +<p>He nodded and, loosening the grasp of her hands, +tried to stand up.</p> + +<p>“Don’t! Stay where you are. I’ll get help....”</p> + +<p>He said in a surprisingly loud voice: “No! I’ll be +all right. Wait....”</p> + +<p>His struggle was short and sharp. He seemed to +be trying, over and over again, to start the interrupted +action of his heart. With every failure, fear and +amazement made more horrible the expression of his +wide-open eyes. Lilah watched. Once she cried out: +“You mustn’t! For my sake!” Flagg tried to smile, +to reassure her. He seemed to be listening. And the +blood left his face, drained out, like a tide. His flesh +was blue-white, livid. The physical agony seemed to +waste him. Soon, Lilah thought, he would fall out of +her arms. But he held himself upright with an effort, +meeting the enemy again and again, and it was as if +he held himself precariously on the rim of space.</p> + +<p>Suddenly, for no appreciable reason, it was over. +He slipped sideways, back upon the sofa, and his eyes +closed. “I’m all right.... Only sorry.... Perhaps +you know, now, how I love you....”</p> + +<p>A servant was coming into the room. With a +wrenching effort, Lilah steadied her voice and said: +“What time is it?”</p> + +<p>“Six o’clock, madam.”</p> + +<p>“Is Miss Fuller in the library?”</p> + +<p>“Yes, madam.”</p> + +<p>“Ask her to come here.”</p> + +<p>Grace Fuller came at once. Between them, they +made Flagg comfortable; he lay with his arm under +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_153">[Pg 153]</span>his head, apparently asleep. With deft, impersonal +touches, Grace Fuller ascertained his pulse, wiped off +his forehead, which was drenched with sweat, gave +him water. She said nothing. Lilah did not meet +her eyes. Her own feelings were confused; now that +Flagg was safe, she could sense to the full her triumph; +but how fragile a thing happiness had become—it depended +on this man’s living! And it was doubtful +whether he could resist the fatal pressure of the inevitable +emotion. He lay exhausted, pallid, one +hand hanging limply with fingers that brushed the +floor.</p> + +<p>Lilah turned her face away, afraid that Grace +Fuller might see her expression, the mingling of pity +and glory, of fear and expectancy.</p> + +<p>“Is he all right? Will he die?”</p> + +<p>“No,” Grace Fuller said.</p> + +<p>At that, Flagg opened his eyes. “Die? Of course +not! This happens very often. I shall be all right in +half a second. I’m sorry and ashamed. Your kindness....”</p> + +<p>He sat up.</p> + +<p>Lilah’s gesture toward him was immediate; before +she tempered its meaning, Grace Fuller had seen. +But the nurse remained with her cool fingers on +Flagg’s wrist. Only her lips twisted as if, before that +revelation, she wanted to laugh. She helped Flagg +to his feet.</p> + +<p>“Good of you,” he said.</p> + +<p>He bowed, apologized again and with a glance at +Lilah, unreadable, went out and quickly downstairs.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_154">[Pg 154]</span></p> + +<p>“That’s war,” Grace Fuller remarked dryly. +“Thousands like him, trying to....”</p> + +<p>Lilah brushed her aside. “I’m going with him! +He’s ill.... Let me go, I tell you....”</p> + +<p>Grace Fuller caught Lilah’s arm, held her. “Lilah, +don’t be a fool.”</p> + +<p>Lilah cried wildly: “Let me go! I must.... He’s +ill.... Oh, damn you!”</p> + +<p>In a white fury she struck, clawed, but Grace +Fuller pinioned her arms, shook her, twisted her back, +away from the door.</p> + +<p>“I love him! I love him! I’m not ashamed. Tell +Robert! Tell every one! I want it over.”</p> + +<p>“You’re hysterical,” Grace Fuller said.</p> + +<p>Lilah ceased struggling. For an appalling moment +she thought her own heart had stopped. She sagged +against Grace Fuller’s shoulder; while a dark tide of +feeling rose, submerged her, receded again.</p> + +<p>“I love him,” she repeated in a dull voice. “That’s +all. What can I say, or do?”</p> + +<p>She straightened and pushed Grace Fuller away. +“Now, you two can dance on my grave.”</p> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> +<div class="chapter"> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_155">[Pg 155]</span></p> + + + <h2 class="nobreak" id="VII"> + VII + </h2> +</div> + + +<p class="dropcap"><span class="upper-case">In her</span> own room again, Lilah went to the telephone +and called Flagg at his apartment. A +man’s voice answered that Major Flagg was not +well.</p> + +<p>“I know,” Lilah said impatiently. “I am Mrs. Peabody. +I must speak to him.”</p> + +<p>“I am Major Flagg’s physician,” was the reply, in +a tone Lilah thought a shade too dry. “He cannot +speak to any one.” He went on to explain that Major +Flagg was not seriously ill, but that he must, for a +fortnight, be absolutely quiet.</p> + +<p>“I saw him less than an hour ago,” Lilah insisted. +“He seemed quite all right.”</p> + +<p>The physician, with some acerbity, added that Major +Flagg had had another attack on his way home. +He was in bed and must stay there, undisturbed....</p> + +<p>“Thank you,” Lilah said.</p> + +<p>She turned away from the instrument with a frightened +gesture. She couldn’t see him! That meant +she must meet disaster alone; she had, irrevocably, +committed herself to Grace Fuller. No matter what +happened to Flagg, whether he lived or died, she had +lost Robert....</p> + +<p>She began, unsteadily, to dress for dinner. The +Sinclairs, the lissome May and her husband, were +coming, and, as a balance to their unimportant millions, +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_156">[Pg 156]</span>Lilah had invited the American violinist and his +curtly intelligent bride, a woman who might amuse the +Sinclairs because she belonged to one of the richest +families in the country. In the Sinclairs, two fortunes +had come together, and the only enthusiasm +they had in common was money. Their interest was +not vulgar, it was, rather, fraternal. They enjoyed +communion with the rare, kindred blessed.</p> + +<p>Lilah thought: “I’ve got to pretend. But none of +this is mine—”</p> + +<p>In her chemise, with her hair tumbled on her shoulders, +she realized that she had not called her maid. +When she did, it was with a certain humility that she +said: “I am very late.”</p> + +<p>The maid said: “Yes, m’am,” and went into the +bathroom to start the tub. She was a pretty mulatto, +a soft, slight creature with the gait of an enchantress. +Lilah had never liked her because she had the air of +knowing everything, and the suave, the velvet quality +of her St. Kitt’s English gave her a certain distinction.</p> + +<p>Lilah wondered: “Could she have heard that row +with Grace?”</p> + +<p>She studied the girl’s back, her unhurried, expert +gestures, and when she straightened suddenly, and +turned, Lilah was embarrassed.</p> + +<p>“The bath’s ready, m’am.”</p> + +<p>A shower of violet crystals sparkled in the tub, and +as Lilah stirred them, testing the scented water with +the tips of her fingers, she had a sharp memory of +tin tubs and basins in Swiss <i>pensions</i>.... And, willfully, +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_157">[Pg 157]</span>she recalled the lovers of Lorelay.... She +glanced down at herself, silver-white, with little +bubbles, like quicksilver, climbing over her skin, +bursting on the surface of the water. How lovely her +thighs were, indented, slim, young.... And her +knees, her feet.... She could go to Lorelay with +Flagg and send for that famous, that notorious, tin +tub without shame. She was like Manet’s Olympe, +not classical but adorable. Flagg would understand +if she mentioned Lorelay and Olympe. Robert would +not; or, if he did, he would be shocked....</p> + +<p>“Seven o’clock, m’am.”</p> + +<p>“Coming!”</p> + +<p>In a robe of dark blue silk, thrown over a shift of +cream chiffon, she faced her mirror, while the mulatto +girl dressed her hair. Her panic had been replaced +by exuberance. She felt certain that she could handle +Grace. Flagg would say, do, nothing. She was safe +for a fortnight, with both love and beauty....</p> + +<p>“Draw it back, away from my ears. Not fluffy! +Here, give me the comb! I’ve told you so many +times.”</p> + +<p>“Sorry, m’am.”</p> + +<p>That pretty, petulant face, honey-colored, was reflected +in the triple mirror in an unguarded moment +and Lilah caught a flash of dislike and contempt from +eyes that were usually turned aside.</p> + +<p>“Have you a sweetheart?” Lilah asked, twisting her +hair into the Second Empire contour she affected.</p> + +<p>“Yes, m’am.”</p> + +<p>“Does he love you?”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_158">[Pg 158]</span></p> + +<p>The mulatto shrugged her shoulders. “I don’t +know. Men are funny. He’s a pretty man, but he +gambles. He spends all my money. He’s a sailor.”</p> + +<p>“Get me the black dress. I’ll want the white cameo +ear-rings. No! Not there! In the leather box. +Stupid! Stupid! I’m late.”</p> + +<p>On her way downstairs, where the financial rating +of the violinist’s wife was just dawning on the Sinclairs, +Lilah stopped to speak to Grace Fuller.</p> + +<p>“Grace?”</p> + +<p>“Yes.” Grace Fuller was having her own dinner, +in the fashion of nursery governesses, on a card-table +before the fire.</p> + +<p>“You’ve had dinner?”</p> + +<p>“I’m having it—just.”</p> + +<p>Lilah came into the room. She was very lovely. +She wore no jewelry, save the heavy white cameos, +set in gold, that dangled from her ears. She gave +no hint of her actual years; Grace Fuller thought, in +a moment of judgment, that she was like the city, a +creation of that energy which is all nerves. There +was something ageless in the slim, provocative, sexless +body, thrust a little forward, the carriage of her +head, with its dense weight of hair coiled under, +her lips, painted like an Oriental’s, not scarlet, but +magenta. She said lightly: “Am I all right? Will +I do?”</p> + +<p>“Beautifully,” Grace said, flushing.</p> + +<p>Lilah bent down, and Grace became conscious of the +odor of sandalwood. “Dear old Grace; I’m absolutely +in your hands.”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_159">[Pg 159]</span></p> + +<p>“If you mean that I am not to say anything to +Robert,” Grace replied, “I won’t. Things like this +are too personal, too terrible, for an outsider—”</p> + +<p>“I will know what to say when I see Robert,” Lilah +interrupted. Her manner became, abruptly, sharp +and decisive. “Or whether to say anything at all.” +She added, almost carelessly: “My feeling may have +been pity.”</p> + +<p>Grace said nothing. The flush had mounted until +her face burned, as if the shame of Lilah’s confession +were hers. For the first time she had had a glimpse +of Lilah’s weakness—she saw her exposed to defeat; +the revelation was, somehow, humiliating. Grace +Fuller turned her eyes away.</p> + +<p>“I think you can trust me,” she said. And, instantly, +she hated herself for not having struck. Now +it was too late.</p> + +<p>Lilah went downstairs.</p> + +<p>Her guests were already launched. Fred Sinclair +was staring at the violinist’s wife with the satisfaction +of an entomologist who has happened upon a singularly +rare insect. Mrs. Sinclair was testing her charm +upon an unyielding surface; the violinist was more +a priest than an artist. Lilah found him parrying +Mrs. Sinclair’s sentimental thrusts with his own peculiar +irony. He despised any one who wasted his +time. Lilah trembled for the success of her dinner. +She said deftly that in Robert’s absence she depended +perhaps too much on her friends; she suggested loneliness +and a peculiar sensitiveness to “atmospheres.” +The violinist promptly pocketed his ill-temper and his +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_160">[Pg 160]</span>bride surrendered to Mr. Sinclair’s butterfly-on-a-pin +manner. On the way in to dinner, she graciously +stated the size of her fortune, Mr. Sinclair’s collection +thereby gaining a precious specimen.</p> + +<p>Lilah had counted on Flagg as a sixth at the table. +In her failure to warn the servants, a place had been +set and she had to explain. Immediately, the silver +and glass were removed, the chair taken away, but +Flagg’s name had interested the violinist.</p> + +<p>“I’m sorry. I’ve always wanted to know him. +What a thundering crime—a man like that, gassed! +There could be no survival of the fittest in such warfare.”</p> + +<p>He spoke with bitterness of the destruction of the +world’s best brains and of the inevitable hiatus—there +would be a wide break in both science and art. As +it was, the few who were left carried a double burden; +their responsibility to the past and to the generation +that had had no expression save in death. +Flagg was one of the men the world could not spare. +The indignity of his suffering now—</p> + +<p>The violinist broke off: “I know it isn’t considered +polite to talk about the war. In Europe, people +aren’t so squeamish. It happened. It may happen +again.”</p> + +<p>Mrs. Sinclair thought not.</p> + +<p>Lilah smiled at the violence of his retort; he had +served on the Russian front, had seen the Kolchak +debacle, and, before that, had flown over Triest and +Pola, Villach and Wien, with d’Annunzio. Mrs. Sinclair +listened to his tirade with a pained expression, +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_161">[Pg 161]</span>as if he were being intentionally disagreeable. Why +on earth talk about war when you could talk about +the theaters, reducing and prohibition—there were +enough interesting things....</p> + +<p>Lilah pictured Mrs. Sinclair in her Long Island +house, a Tudor mansion set down in a vast wilderness +of new rose-gardens upon a featureless plain, not +unadorned but unhallowed. Her security, established +when she was a child, had been deepened by the possession +of this enormous stone house, a fortress against +chance or change; in rooms as cold, as cheerless, as +echoing as a series of railway terminals, she seemed +removed from those things which happen to all of us; +the walls were too thick and too new to admit defeat. +Lilah wondered what Mrs. Sinclair would do +if the armies the violinist invoked should trample the +Sinclair flower-beds and pepper the Tudor walls with +machine-gun bullets.... Send for the Swiss butler, +probably, and die, game and unconvinced, sipping a +dry Martini.... Lilah could not decide which +counted for more—the indifference of the Sinclairs or +the awareness of the violinist; they believed that the +future was negligible, the present amusing, which sufficed; +he believed that the world could be saved only +by incredible effort, a supreme, unending, unified intention....</p> + +<p>He complained that there was no flame in humanity—too +much water had been thrown on it, perhaps. +Life was drab unless kept at an artificial, stimulated +pitch; pleasure, purchased, had taken the place of +faith....</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_162">[Pg 162]</span></p> + +<p>Mrs. Sinclair, bending her willowy body from the +waist, whispered to Lilah: “My dear—what’s this I +hear about you and Putnam Flagg? It wouldn’t do +for you—it wouldn’t do at all! He’s penniless. Now, +don’t look innocent. A dozen people have seen you +together, lunching at <i>tea rooms</i> and meeting in <i>art +galleries</i> ... it’s awfully touching, but no one believes +these naïve—”</p> + +<p>“May,” her husband said.</p> + +<p>“Oh, yes.” She turned again to the violinist. +“Faith. You were saying—?”</p> + +<hr class="tb"> + +<p>In the morning Flagg telephoned. “Did you think +that I would pay any attention to a doctor’s orders? +I want to see you.”</p> + +<p>His voice unnerved Lilah. Every time it was like +the first time—a breathless recognition, a summons, +alarming and unavoidable, to a self beyond self. “He +was very severe—” Suddenly her voice broke. +Through a flood of frightened tears, she stammered: +“Oh, my darling! My darling!”</p> + +<p>Flagg said gravely: “Lilah—if I could comfort +you.... Will you get your hat and come over here? +It’s quite respectable. There’s a nurse, who will, if +I ask her, leave us alone. Or, if you prefer, she will +stay in the room.”</p> + +<p>“I can’t. It isn’t possible! I might be seen.”</p> + +<p>“And what if you are? Before long every one who +knows you will know that you love me. Things like +this can’t be gone at politely. When you break up a +marriage, it’s war. It’s got to be war. And neither +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_163">[Pg 163]</span>of us can afford to be afraid, now, or later. You understand, +don’t you?”</p> + +<p>“Yes.”</p> + +<p>“Then come!”</p> + +<p>“But—”</p> + +<p>He was silent, and Lilah knew that the issue was +important. If she refused, she would in all probability +never see Flagg again.</p> + +<p>“You’re better?”</p> + +<p>“Yes.... Take a taxi. You know the number. +These are bachelor quarters, but I’ve prepared the +elevator man—he’ll bring you up.... I’ll be a lot +better when I see you.”</p> + +<p>Lilah thought: “Don’t be squeamish. All the +women you know do this sort of thing.”</p> + +<p>Aloud, she said: “I’ll come at once.”</p> + +<p>She dressed with a romantic attention to detail. +She chose a small black hat with an air of intrigue +and sophistication; a veil that seemed to shut her +beauty away so that her eyes were remote, enticing +beneath the rakish brim of the tricorn.</p> + +<p>A streak of conventionality, a dislike of criticism, +warred with her eagerness to see Flagg. She sent +her motor away and walked westward to the Avenue, +then uptown. Lilah wanted to have her own way but +to be considered above reproach. The possibility of +scandal frightened her; she thought: “I’m not a +coward! Only, to be torn to bits and thrown to the +yellow journals to make a middle-class holiday! A +Sunday supplement martyr! It’s so stupid.... So +ugly.... Robert and Junius, all of us—” With a +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_164">[Pg 164]</span>shock of relief, she thought: “I’m glad I haven’t a +child.”</p> + +<p>Still, she might have. Even now, she might have! +Robert’s child. Even now, as she went to Flagg. But +that would be a loathsome trick of destiny; it couldn’t +be! Couldn’t.... She didn’t deserve punishment; +not such a punishment! God thought of people—there +must be some sort of divine justice. Now that +she had love—But suppose, as Flagg had said, that +there were a God beyond God, and no one watching, +no one caring....</p> + +<p>She found herself standing before a shop window, +and was conscious of the blurred reflection of herself, +the fashionable outline of a woman of the world. +There was security, insurance against a detestable, a +repugnant reality, in the fact of her worldliness. Like +Mrs. Sinclair, she was a product of civilization, a +vital, representative image of society, removed, by +her unquestioned right to her position, from the blind +attacks of destiny. She was powerful because she +was instructed. She was indomitable because she was +intelligent. If there was a God beyond a God she +could reach Him. She would not take punishment—need +not—</p> + +<p>She shook herself, tried to stare at the things in +the window—a Florentine chair, more graceful than +most of them; a Persian bowl; a Flemish chest; a +Luini; a strip of ecclesiastical velvet; a pair of Waterford +glass chandeliers....</p> + +<p>Her thoughts flew back to the house she had just +left. She had wanted glass chandeliers for her bedroom—one +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_165">[Pg 165]</span>on either side of the narrow mantel, to +balance the <i>trumeau</i>. These were delightful—a +shower of crystals, delicate as cobwebs after a rain. +They were, probably, expensive....</p> + +<p>Lilah hesitated. Her room was lifeless, almost +gloomy; it needed such a sparkle as these little chandeliers +would give.... She saw herself, moving +about in a bland, crystal light....</p> + +<p>She went into the shop, conscious, as always, nowadays, +of her ability to reach out and take what she +wanted. The chandeliers were displayed by a collector +who flattered her by making no comments. +That they were genuine, and rare, was beyond +question.</p> + +<p>“I’ll take them.”</p> + +<p>“Very well.”</p> + +<p>“Mrs. Robert Peabody.”</p> + +<p>“I know. We had the pleasure of importing some +Venetian glass—”</p> + +<p>Lilah interrupted: “Be sure to send a man to hang +the chandeliers.”</p> + +<p>“Certainly. To-morrow.”</p> + +<p>She went out again, somehow relieved, as if she had +come unscathed through a hurricane. Buying things +always gave her a sense of security. Silly of her, to +have been afraid of something that could never happen +to her ... never....</p> + +<hr class="tb"> + +<p>Flagg lived in the West Fifties, not far from the +noisy “L” track where trains passed like steel comets, +clattering, insistent.... An old man in an alpaca +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_166">[Pg 166]</span>jacket admitted her to a narrow hallway and to a slow, +dingy elevator operated by a cable. His face was +scarlet; there seemed to have been an explosion of +veins beneath the surface of the skin.... Without +glancing at Lilah, he let the cable slip through his +hands, as if, in his dejection and ennui, there could +be no end to this ascent. Lilah thought: “How easy, +after all.” He let her out and indicated a door “to +the left. Push the button.”</p> + +<p>Lilah saw the name “Flagg.” There was a rustle +behind the door and it opened sharply. A woman in +starched linen said: “Mrs. Peabody? Major Flagg +is waiting. This way, please.”</p> + +<p>Lilah had expected him to be in bed. But he rose +from an arm-chair and smiled down at her.</p> + +<p>“You’re better?”</p> + +<p>“Yes.... Now! You were a long time getting +here.”</p> + +<p>“I walked.”</p> + +<p>“Miss Peterson—Mrs. Peabody.”</p> + +<p>The starched woman, who was, to Lilah, as featureless +as an egg, bowed, murmured something and went +out, closing the door.</p> + +<p>“Don’t be afraid,” Flagg said. “I won’t keel over +again. I’ll give you tea presently. But now I want +to talk to you. You lovely thing! She can’t hear—there’s +a corridor, and then my bedroom, where she’s +sitting. Shall I send her away?”</p> + +<p>“No. No.” Lilah shook her head. “It’s bad +enough—my being here.”</p> + +<p>He leaned forward and caught her hands, smiling. +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_167">[Pg 167]</span>He drew off her gloves, turned her palms over and +kissed them. His gestures were slow but there was +nothing of Robert’s hesitancy about him; his eyes +flew over her. She felt again that penetrating delight +in him, and because he did not expect pity, her pity +made her tremble; there was a maternal, a brooding +pain in her heart. Without speaking, she went back +to her eager search for the things she loved, enumerated +them—the line of his cheek, the peculiar, +sharp modelling of his lips, his lids, a way his hair +had of growing, like a sort of fur, short, thick, lusterless—she +wanted to stroke it, but she didn’t. Somehow, +he was still a stranger whose presence excited +and embarrassed her. She wondered if any one had +ever known him; whether she would ever know him. +Robert was like a plant that recoils at the touch of a +prying finger. But Flagg was like an animal; he had +the grace, the aloofness of an animal, the eyes of an +animal. She was almost afraid to touch him. His +absorption flattered her, as if a creature of the woods +had strayed close to rub against her and purr—a big +cat. Without stirring, she let him kiss her fingers, +one after the other. And she felt again that sense +of a moment prolonged, suspended, until she lost +reality.</p> + +<p>Her glance went beyond him to the room. She had +never thought of him as living anywhere.... A +shabby, slovenly room. Rows of white shelves were +weighted with books. There were no photographs. +Only a small bronze of a woman and a jar filled with +pipes....</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_168">[Pg 168]</span></p> + +<p>“This isn’t my place,” he said, glancing up quickly. +“It belongs to a man I knew in France, who’s broke. +He loves books, and I’ve had a feast....”</p> + +<p>His eyes deepened and there came into them that +look of a satyr, mischievous and sensual. She wanted +to kiss him, but she held herself away. Something +told her that there would be no going back after to-day; +he would not grant her a reprieve.</p> + +<p>“I’m sorry,” he began, “for what I said yesterday. +In time, you’ll love love—not the idea, but the thing +itself. That’s what I’m waiting for. When it comes +to you, so that you understand it—its beauty and its +penalty—you will lose yourself. And then you will +be exquisite.”</p> + +<p>“I love you,” she insisted, “now.”</p> + +<p>He shook his head.</p> + +<p>He relinquished her hands and, crossing the room, +filled and lighted a pipe. Then he asked abruptly: +“What are you going to tell your husband?”</p> + +<p>“I don’t know.” Catching her breath, she evaded +him: “Must I tell him anything?”</p> + +<p>He did not answer. His expression was mocking. +And angrily Lilah cried: “It isn’t easy! For you, +yes! But for me—to break with a man who loves +me and who doesn’t suspect—”</p> + +<p>“Oh. He loves you. I didn’t know that. I had +hoped that he didn’t. Are you sure he does?”</p> + +<p>“Of course! It will kill him. He trusts me.”</p> + +<p>“You haven’t betrayed him!” Flagg said sharply.</p> + +<p>“What do you mean?”</p> + +<p>“Love is never a betrayal. It’s the truth! I am +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_169">[Pg 169]</span>convinced that it is a sin to deny love, under any circumstances, +for any reason—to live with one man and +love another is unmoral, ugly, inexcusable. To live +with one woman and love another is to betray them +both. I am not arguing on the side of promiscuousness. +I despise filth. But there is, after all, a definite +standard. A responsibility—to the emotion itself. +There’s your obligation! Only, the world won’t +recognize it.... You’ve got to be sure—dead certain—that +what you feel justifies what you do.”</p> + +<p>“You’re putting it up to me, then?”</p> + +<p>He came over and kneeled beside her. He was +asking something. His body pressed against her +knees. His hands were supplicating. For the first +time he was humble, but more than ever insistent; +life itself, demanding that she say yes or no, that she +take or leave, give or refuse. In spite of herself, she +touched his hair, and with a terrifying sense of being +lost, slipped forward into his arms.</p> + +<p>“I’ll tell him, simply, that I love you.”</p> + +<p>“When?”</p> + +<p>She struggled back, away from him again. But +Flagg remained on his knees, no longer a suppliant; +stubbornly, he repeated: “When?”</p> + +<p>“When he comes back—next week.”</p> + +<p>She added, with a flash of disdain: “You might at +least be sorry for him!” She put out her hand quickly +and caught his. “I didn’t mean that! I hurt everybody. +Don’t let me hurt you!”</p> + +<p>Flagg laughed. “I don’t let myself be hurt.”</p> + +<p>What he thought was: “If she cares for me, I can +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_170">[Pg 170]</span>hurt her—that’s my weapon, and she knows it.” He +got up and went to the window, stood there, smoking, +his back turned. He waited with admirable restraint +for Lilah to speak again. Behind him, she was absolutely +silent. The sun had gone. The room was +fading into the gray shadows of late afternoon, retreating, +dimming, like a blurred photograph. Flagg +kept his eyes on the street; his senses were aware of +her; he had no comfort in her presence, but he wanted +her there. Suddenly, she was close to him, soft, +propitiating. She put her arms around him, pressed +her face against his back and they stood, in silence, +for a long time. Flagg no longer saw the city; that +slate-gray twilight seemed to envelope them both, to +isolate them. And he had a deep pity for himself and +for her. What should be so simple, so natural, so +uncomplicated, would be raveled and frayed and tarnished.... +Between this moment and anything like +the realization of happiness, there would be a struggle +of egos—rebellion, shocked pride, jealousy, in conflict. +Before he could show himself to her and lose +himself in her loveliness, both of them would suffer. +And for what? Because life was so confounded complicated—no +passion could be single, perfect, but must +be linked up to other passions, an endless tangle of +little, petty feelings—like lichens on a tree. The +growth was hindered, the sap cut off so that the blossoms +withered and the whole plant, tree and parasite, +came down into the dust, choked to death....</p> + +<p>“Are you sure we’re right?” Lilah asked. “I’ve +got to be sure! Isn’t it selfish to be happy?”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_171">[Pg 171]</span></p> + +<p>Flagg answered that to be unhappy was the worst +sort of selfishness. For centuries the world had been +in the grip of a superstitious fear of acknowledged +happiness, as if being contented with one’s lot were +an indication of alliance with the devil. If you sang, +in old Salem, you were hanged for a witch. “But to-day, +if you sing, you are selfish! And it amounts +to the same thing—the world has its fingers +crossed....”</p> + +<p>Flagg asked, without turning: “Have you ever loved +your husband, Lilah?”</p> + +<p>Lilah pressed against him. “Don’t ask me, now, +to say.... A moment.... Perhaps, yes. But not +like this! I am perfectly willing to divorce him.”</p> + +<p>Flagg wanted to know what reasons she would give. +She said impatiently: “Why—I <i>want</i> a divorce! +Isn’t that enough? Such things are arranged. Nowadays, +you don’t have to give reasons, do you?”</p> + +<p>Flagg answered that he would prefer that she allow +Robert to bring suit; the defection, such as it was, +was hers; she had tired of her bargain; she had broken +her word; she had found compensation. If any one +was to blame, she was.... Lilah interrupted: +“You’re mad! It would ruin me! It is accepted, +usual, for men to take the public blame for these +things—every one understands. It isn’t serious. +Don’t you know—you silly—idealist—that in New +York a man can arrange an adulterous affair by simply +hiring a woman, a room and a witness? I know +decent men, respectable men, who have done it, not +once, but several times. Like vaccination, it doesn’t +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_172">[Pg 172]</span>always take. My darling, you don’t want me talked +about.... And it would be so funny.... Robert, +in silk pajamas, entertaining a chorus girl.”</p> + +<p>“You and I, in love—and your husband, caught with +a hired adulteress in a rotten hotel, for your sake! +What cheap irony! Such things are damned ugly. +You and I will take our medicine, Lilah. Or we’ll +renounce, now, what might be so fine. If you’re afraid, +say so.”</p> + +<p>After a moment, Lilah said, “I’m not afraid.”</p> + +<p>She drew away. A knock at the door was followed, +discreetly, by a professional inquiry: “You are feeling +better, Major Flagg?” And that starched, +rustling presence entered, carrying a glass. With a +gesture of rebellion, funny because it was unconscious, +Flagg took the mixture and drank it.</p> + +<p>“You’re talking too much,” the nurse said. With +another crackle of starched skirts, she moved from +lamp to lamp and the room came into sharp outline. +The slovenly carpet and worn chairs, a frayed scarf +on the table....</p> + +<p>“I’ll go,” Lilah said quickly.</p> + +<p>“Hang the doctor!” Flagg exploded. “I beg your +pardon, Miss Peterson—but doctors don’t always understand.”</p> + +<p>She took the empty glass from him, shrugging her +shoulders. And the door closed upon her with a disapproving +bang.</p> + +<p>“I must go,” Lilah said again. “I must. If anything +should happen to you—”</p> + +<p>Flagg made her sit down. He made her remove +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_173">[Pg 173]</span>the concealing veil and the little black hat. He began +to take the pins out of her hair, but, laughing, she +stopped him. She could not, now, imagine that he +had ever been ill; a mood of playfulness had followed +his rebellion; he was curiously like a young animal +again, lost in his delight in her. He was lovable, willful; +she stayed because he wanted it. It was hard +to refuse him anything. And she couldn’t see that +her being there hurt him—he had forgotten his enemy +in his discovery of Lilah. Sitting on the floor with +his arm thrown across her knees, he talked about himself. +Himself, as a little boy. As an almost grown +boy. As a young man. It was as if he wanted her +to share everything, all in a moment; as if he could +make her see the whole pattern of his life, so that he +would never be alone again. Lilah could feel herself +change, relent, bend down to him with a lovely tenderness. +It was what she had always wanted to be, the +way she had wanted to feel, only that no one had let +her be herself. People had allowed her to be hard +and bright and dominating! Now she was the woman +she might have been. The simplest things he said +touched her. She had no desire to ridicule, to hurt +him. She wanted him to want her, to need her, to +get closer and closer to her heart.</p> + +<p>“I wish I had seen you when you were a little boy,” +she said.</p> + +<p>“I was a sort of flat face and terribly earnest. +From the beginning, before I could reason, I wanted +to know about God. I couldn’t believe. And the +harder they tried to make me believe, the more stubborn +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_174">[Pg 174]</span>I was. God was unimaginable. They sent me +to Sunday school, where I sat with my underlip sticking +out, denying God with my muscular system—braced +against acceptance. I remember that this refusal +made me, in my own eyes, an outcast. I thought +of myself as the loneliest and wickedest child on the +crust of the globe. But I believed only what I could +see, touch or smell.” He shook his head. “And I +never got a whiff of God! I remember that one day +a sort of evangelist came to the Sunday school. He +asked all the little boys and girls who believed in God +to stand up. I sat where I was, burning with shame. +He leveled at me a shouting and frothing, invective, +hate and threats of damnation—eternal. And how I +loathed God! When he got through he asked all the +little boys and girls who didn’t believe in God to stand +up, and I stood up, alone....</p> + +<p>“Aren’t kids everlastingly funny? I hadn’t an +ounce of prevarication in me; I told the truth, always, +until I was a grown man, when I learned that there +are times when the truth hurts. Then I drew in my +claws. I make velvet paws nowadays. But that +doesn’t affect my honesty—I am deadly honest with +myself.”</p> + +<p>Lilah wondered whether he could feel her shivering +with delight in being near him, whether he saw how +her eyes looked at him. She could never go back to +Robert. She could never again pretend. It was going +to be hard. It was going to hurt her to strip herself +naked of pretense and fight for this new, this +strange and wonderful raiment.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_175">[Pg 175]</span></p> + +<p>“Did you ever change,” she asked unsteadily, “about +God?”</p> + +<p>He was launched again. He told her about his +student days in Germany—how he had gone back, +patiently, to the sources. His days of pessimism. +His romantic year. A period of mysticism. A frightened, +at first tentative groping through the mazes of +science. Then, something like a personal conviction, +emerging.... He began to shake off support and to +stand alone, almost against his will, for to stand alone +was a responsibility. It forever removed him from +the sensuous, happy, careless self he had wanted to be +and demanded that he face facts, cold, brutal, unadorned +and make of them what he could. God came +to him out of these facts—not the God he had refused +to believe in—a vastly different—</p> + +<p>He made her see, somehow, why he was not afraid +of pain or death, and why he was reconciled. He +hadn’t much longer—but why should he have longer? +Only to love her. To make her happy, if that was +what she wanted.</p> + +<p>“I didn’t know you could care like this. But since +you do—”</p> + +<p>She still trembled; he could not help but see what +she was feeling. The thing that hurt her now was +that he would have to know how little and selfish she +had been. The self she had to offer him was inadequate. +Her magic was tawdry, like cheap spangles +on a dancer’s skirt. Her beauty was painted on. The +reality, the real Lilah had nothing to give him. And +some day, when he had stopped loving her technique, +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_176">[Pg 176]</span>he would look for her art, and find nothing, only fear +and an ugly desire to keep him, at all costs. She saw +herself, in a sort of contorted and nightmarish vision, +pleading with him; she saw his indifference—no, his +recognition—crushing her down. It wasn’t Robert +and Junius, scandal, that she was afraid of; it was +not having Flagg. That was the most terrible thing—to +be alone again, inventing enthusiasms, because +the reason for being was not there.</p> + +<p>This was what Robert had meant.</p> + +<p>“You’re not listening,” Flagg said.</p> + +<p>“I am. I am.”</p> + +<p>“I changed,” he went on, from what beginning +Lilah could not guess, “as every one changed. And +like every one else, I saw freedom as the most desirable +end, gaining it all important. Only that I differed +from most in that I didn’t want freedom for +personal reasons. I’ve always been singularly free +of the crooked, inherited notions that hold men back. +But a freedom that releases the mental power of humanity—I +can’t make you understand; I’ve only the +vaguest notion myself! But I see that if we don’t +adapt ourselves, we’ll disappear from the earth. We +don’t need web feet or fluffy little wings or snouts, yet +we do need an entirely new sort of mind. And the +old way of thinking has got to be pitched out, forgotten.”</p> + +<p>He clasped her hands, tight, between both of his. +“But we can’t pitch it out all at once! The social +wheel is still revolving, although the engine has been +smashed—it is carried forward by its own momentum, +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_177">[Pg 177]</span>down-hill—a few hundred years of coasting! The +survivors will look back at us as we look back at the +Neanderthal ape—that’s how fast we’re going.... +In the meantime, here we are, you and I, trying to +conform to the decencies.”</p> + +<p>“Are we?” Lilah asked. In spite of herself, she +laughed. “I don’t think it’s decent, exactly, to cheat +Robert. If we’re being honest....”</p> + +<p>He interrupted: “Lilah, have you stopped to think +about me?”</p> + +<p>“Why, yes.”</p> + +<p>“Aren’t you thinking about yourself?”</p> + +<p>She shook her head.</p> + +<p>He insisted: “Do you know what I want? What +I dream of? Hours of sunshine. Hours of perfectly +imbecile happiness, lying on a green hill with my head +in your lap, watching the clouds go over. Must we +wait? It isn’t so far to Spring. Can’t we go somewhere—I +know a town in Connecticut, off the tourist +track, where we’d be let alone. In April, the frogs +sing at dusk, and the air is moist, cool, full of little +gnats that dance as the sun goes down. I used to go +there, years ago, to watch things grow. A marvelous +season, Lilah. There’s a stir, actual, in the soil, and +those prying, green fingers come through.... Suppose +you and I were there to watch it together? I +stayed at a farmhouse. We could go there. The +apple orchard—if it hasn’t changed, and God forbid!—is +deep with grass. And our room would be under +the eaves....”</p> + +<p>“You mustn’t talk like this!”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_178">[Pg 178]</span></p> + +<p>“Why not?”</p> + +<p>“You mustn’t.”</p> + +<p>“Does it hurt you? Tell me!”</p> + +<p>“Yes.”</p> + +<p>“Then I know I’m right. You’ve got to come to +me as soon as you’ve told your husband. It isn’t fair +to take from him what you don’t deserve—that house, +and these clothes and all your ease and luxury! It +doesn’t belong to you! After to-day, I’ll hate every +hour you spend there. I want you to give back +everything he’s given you. I’m not jealous, only I +believe in value received.”</p> + +<p>Lilah felt like a runner. Breathlessly, she dodged +this obstacle. “You wouldn’t expect Robert to bargain?”</p> + +<p>“I’m not thinking of Robert. I’m thinking of you. +What I want you to be. If you love me, you’ll come +to me, free, not all tangled up in another man’s possessions.”</p> + +<p>She pushed him away.</p> + +<p>“I’ve got to go.”</p> + +<p>“Not yet. It’s only six o’clock.”</p> + +<p>“But it’s dark. What will that nurse think?”</p> + +<p>“I’m all right. I only want you.”</p> + +<p>“I know. But some day you may have too much +of me.”</p> + +<p>“Stay.”</p> + +<p>She got up and he stood close, pleading. Lilah +was afraid, with that same delicious fear. Now, she +wanted to hide her trembling from him, to ward off +what must happen if he guessed the extent, the danger, +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_179">[Pg 179]</span>of her surrender. She began to fasten her veil, her +arms, in tight, black sleeves, upraised; Putnam Flagg +watched her, and, characteristically, avoided, at that +moment, any caress. When she glanced up, he said: +“Very charming. What a minx you are! An artist. +I admire you inordinately, if for nothing more than +your gift of putting me off!”</p> + +<p>Suddenly she clung to him. “Tell me the truth. +Are you going to get well?”</p> + +<p>“I don’t know.”</p> + +<p>“Is it terrible—the pain?”</p> + +<p>“Bad enough. As if a hand squeezed, here, harder +and harder. I could die, if I’d let myself. Only I +won’t.”</p> + +<p>“What does the doctor say?”</p> + +<p>“Nothing. He’s used to bad hearts.”</p> + +<p>“I hate doctors. They’re beasts! I hate suffering. +I hate bodies.” She beat with her palms against his +breast. “It’s terrible. Terrible! That you should +suffer so! And we stand here, talking about houses +and clothes and my owing something to Robert. +When I only owe myself to you, now and forever.”</p> + +<p>They kissed. They trembled against each other. +And Lilah had never known such giving. He said: +“The world’s full of ugliness. It needn’t be, perhaps. +But it is. We’ll have to face this pain of mine along +with the rest.... Now I’ll let you go.”</p> + +<p>She went out into the street again. No one she +knew was, at the moment, passing. She turned East, +facing a cold wind. Her figure passed in and out of +the squares and rounds of light cast by shop windows +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_180">[Pg 180]</span>and street lamps, hurrying, bent a little forward. Her +thoughts were hurrying, hurrying, ahead of her, toward +the Spring, a dusk when frogs would sing and gnats +dance, and she would lie against Flagg, holding the +pain away with her two arms, her lips, her love....</p> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> +<div class="chapter"> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_181">[Pg 181]</span></p> + + + <h2 class="nobreak" id="VIII"> + VIII + </h2> +</div> + + +<p class="dropcap"><span class="upper-case">Lilah</span> woke again to that certainty....</p> + +<p>She opened her eyes. Familiar things came +into focus, were, inexplicably, unreal. She had +the impression of waking in a strange room. Circumstance +had changed the very outlines of accepted +facts. At once her mind began the chase interrupted +by sleep; unleashed, her thoughts darted down confused +paths, circled, doubled, stopped aghast.</p> + +<p>She leaned on her elbow and examined her arms, +her hands. She could not associate her hands with +herself. They might have belonged to another body. +This certainty had in some mysterious way deprived +her of herself. Her consciousness was separate; it +was pain and fear.</p> + +<p>She fell back on the pillows and pressed her fingers +against her eyes. She must get hold of herself. Do +something. Other women had had children. She +wouldn’t die. In a year it would be over and she +could go back.... The acceptance of that thought +was like a trickle of ice through her veins.</p> + +<p>If she had loved Robert....</p> + +<hr class="tb"> + +<p>Back again! Her thoughts were mad, erratic, +feverish. She could not control them, or bring order +out of chaos.</p> + +<p>Sitting up with a violent gesture, she saw that it +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_182">[Pg 182]</span>was past nine o’clock. She had, then, slept. Extraordinary! +That she could sleep, that the tired +body was stronger than the will! She had not wanted +to sleep or to lose for an instant her watchfulness. +Now, she felt, she had surrendered to this fact. In +sleep, she had been stamped by nature with acquiescence.</p> + +<p>She had been running away from herself. For a +week, in crowded theaters, restaurants and drawing-rooms +dedicated to forgetfulness, she had let herself +be swept forward on the current. For hours at a +time, she had forgotten, had postponed remembering. +As if there were no reef ahead, no shattering of the +frail craft that had carried her so far toward disaster. +In moments of waiting, it had returned, always like +a thin, icy trickle, down through her brain to her +heart.</p> + +<p>She must do something.</p> + +<p>She half rose, but before she could disguise her +dishevelment, the scars left by tears, the door opened +and the mulatto came in, moving furtively as if to +cover her curiosity. Lilah, for the first time, had the +feeling that she was trapped, humiliated, her pride +leveled by a tragedy shared by all women—this yellow +girl, herself! She felt contempt. Some women +sacrificed themselves with a smile to the inevitable, +or concealed their wretchedness beneath an air of superiority, +as if a thing so usual, so inexorable, so outside +themselves, were a matter for congratulation. +Other women seemed to be ordained—an order of +motherhood; but they were never lovers, wives; they +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_183">[Pg 183]</span>tended the flame of race, kept it burning. God knew +why any one should willingly add a soul to a world +where there were already too many souls, too much +suffering. Better to let humanity dwindle, thousand +by thousand, until the last man staggered to his knees +and died and the earth was left once more to the +forests, to animals, to storm and sunlight, unrecorded, +eternal.</p> + +<p>The maid, lifting the blinds, remarked that Miss +Fuller had been waiting for half an hour.</p> + +<p>“Ask her to come up. And I shall want breakfast +here.”</p> + +<p>“Yes, m’am.”</p> + +<p>Grace Fuller came, bringing, as always, the morning’s +mail. Her fringe was curled, not a hair out of +place. And across the pallor of her cheeks, rouge +showed like veining on a leaf.</p> + +<p>From the bed, Lilah asked: “Anything amusing? +I overslept.”</p> + +<p>Grace Fuller put the letters within reach of Lilah’s +hand, on the coverlet. Without preface, she said: +“I’m sorry, Lilah. I can’t stay, go on—I thought I +ought to tell you. I’ve registered and to-morrow I +take a case.” A faint smile twisted her lips as she +added: “A hopeless case.”</p> + +<p>Lilah glanced at the letters. Suddenly she tossed +them aside. “You needn’t leave, unless you want to. +I’m going to have a baby.”</p> + +<p>She sat up, pushing the hair back from her forehead, +straining it back violently. Her eyes were +heavy. There was no trace of beauty in her face; +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_184">[Pg 184]</span>she was, for the moment, old. “I’m going to have a +baby,” she repeated in a dull voice.</p> + +<p>Her head went down between her knees. She heard +Grace Fuller saying: “Lilah. Lilah! I’m glad for +you! This will change everything. Wait until your +heart accepts—I know what it does to women. I’ve +watched. You’ll forget the other, come back to +Robert, in gratitude.”</p> + +<p>Lilah held her breath. Her revolt and her hate +were ponderable; she felt the weight of them across +her back; her body huddled; she tried to flatten herself +out, to escape. Her hair fell forward and she +caught at the thick strands with her teeth. Now, she +knew, it was inevitable. She jerked away from +Grace’s hands, flung herself aside.</p> + +<p>“I’ll never change,” she cried. “Never. This +won’t make me different. I’m myself. I will be. +It’s something I’ve got to stand. But I’ll keep myself +away from it. I’ve always resented being a +woman. Gross. Ugly. Unfair....”</p> + +<p>She sat up again. “Tell that girl to see that the +cook doesn’t ruin the eggs. I want a decent breakfast.”</p> + +<hr class="tb"> + +<p>At eleven o’clock Lilah was seated in the outer +office of a physician who was secure in the possession +of a fashionable patronage.</p> + +<p>The room was quiet, almost bare, and in chairs +ranged against the wall, ten or twelve women were +waiting. Now and then a door opened and a woman +in white, with eyeglasses and a cap elaborately +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_185">[Pg 185]</span>starched and folded, beckoned to one or the other. +These patients, Lilah noticed, never reëntered the anteroom, +but were ushered out another way, perhaps to +keep the tide of despair from meeting the tide of hope. +Other women, arriving, took the vacated chairs. A +table covered with neat stacks of magazines offered +an escape from curious eyes; there was a discreet, a +constant turning of pages. Behind them, expressions +were guarded, indefinable. Lilah sought duplication +of her own sensations. Her face, she decided, must +be as expressionless as the others. It was as if, at +a prearranged signal, these women had become anonymous, +featureless. Only when the door opened and +the capped woman beckoned, there was a flash of excitement, +of dread, of something forced and desperately +unwilling.... Time and again the door opened +and closed.</p> + +<p>When Lilah heard her name, repeated three times +because she had withdrawn so far into herself, she +followed the nurse with a sort of arrogance, an indifference +to the outcome. Inwardly, she felt again that +sense of acquiescence, of surrender to a ruthless inquisitor.</p> + +<p>The inner office was large, paneled. At a desk between +two tall windows draped with brown velvet, the +doctor allowed himself the advantage of turning his +back to the light. Lilah saw him in silhouette—not +the traditional physician, bearded and purposefully +benign; a business man clipped, concise, scientific. +To him she was no more than a name, a number. His +manner had in it a trace of the impatience of the +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_186">[Pg 186]</span>normal man who has had to deal with the delicate +and unstable emotional balance of sick women. He +was not jovial; he was not even polite. His dry questions, +spoken with an accent of amusement, irritated +Lilah. She snapped back at him. She had always +been healthy; she had had a healthy contempt for +illness; people were sick because they were stupid, +or victims, like Flagg, of accident. She had thought +of herself as immune, outside suffering and the ugly, +wearisome details of suffering.... She had time, +while he questioned her, to notice the elaborate simplicity +of his settings; he received his patients in a +room reminiscent of little drawing-rooms at Fontainebleau. +A pretty, red-haired girl took Lilah’s answers +in short-hand. Lilah resented this girl’s presence. +The whole proceeding was degrading, like a public +scandal.</p> + +<p>Lilah fixed the physician with an unwavering gaze. +She had expected him, for a large fee, to rid her of +this tormenting suspicion. But she had not expected +him to uncover her fear, subject it to Hogarthian records +in short-hand.... Marriage à la Mode filed +away in a card-index cabinet....</p> + +<p>She wished, now, that she had stayed away.</p> + +<hr class="tb"> + +<p>In her motor, still quivering under that professional +irony, a confirmation which had stripped her of arrogance, +she looked out at the city with, again, that +tormenting sense of the unreality of familiar things. +People hurrying, laughing, meeting, waiting on the +curbs for the tide of traffic to pass—Lilah was hurt +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_187">[Pg 187]</span>by their indifference to her tragedy. There was no +such thing as a common, a shared, suffering. No one, +not even Flagg, could comprehend. She saw a group +of people familiar to her, Chivers Chew with three +women, standing before a florist’s window in animated +conversation. Their security, their pleasure, seemed +as remote as dumb-show within a lighted proscenium. +And Lilah’s melancholy was shot across by a pang of +jealousy.</p> + +<p>The mulatto met her with the announcement that +Major Flagg had telephoned repeatedly.</p> + +<p>Lilah said in an indifferent voice: “Pack my things. +I’m going to Maine to-night. Ask Elliott to wire Mr. +Peabody. And tell him to get a stateroom. If Major +Flagg calls again, you may say that I have left +town.”</p> + +<hr class="tb"> + +<p>March came in, blustering, with a buoyant race +of large, white clouds and a wind that ruffled the +swollen streams and spread steel-colored fans across +the purple-blue of the sea. The air was sweet with +the odor of wet earth. Willow sprouts showed silver-gray +in the ditches. In the woods and hollows patches +of brown snow melted in the sun. Trailing sprays of +waxen arbutus lifted the pine-needles and fallen leaves, +thrust them up and aside. And always the wind billowed +and tumbled over the brown hills, the soaked +fields, the noisy, awakened forests.</p> + +<p>There was a stir in the earth, after the long stillness +of winter.</p> + +<p>In a short skirt, a jacket of fur, hatless, Lilah turned +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_188">[Pg 188]</span>away from the sea and walked inland. A cane Robert +had given her, of Malacca, mounted in amber, swung +from her hand. She could not abide the sea, the +dunes, the beach brushed with swift eddies of blown +sand. A boisterous sea was strong medicine for the +spirit. It was too bright, too alive; it had a ruthless +virility that frightened her. If only she had been +free enough, brave enough, to brace herself in the +shifting, stinging sands, to breast the wind, to take +great swallows of it into her lungs, to fill her body +with it, to laugh at it! Because she was a coward, +she preferred the woods, where, in a chill shadow, in +a sort of calm beneath the brittle crackle of bending +boughs above, she was safe from nature itself. She +walked in a void, her thoughts held in abeyance, like +hounds on a leash.</p> + +<p>She had told Robert immediately of his good fortune. +Something warned her not to express, just then, +her own dissatisfaction. She noticed a difference in +him; his desire for her was no longer humble; it had +become definitely material and possessive, concrete. +His happiness only added to her own inner tumult. +He guessed nothing of what went on in her mind, her +heart. He was happy. So must she be! He had +never heard Flagg’s name. He did not guess what +had happened, what she had felt. She was infinitely +removed from him; she could even be sorry for him.</p> + +<p>Robert behaved as she supposed all men behaved +under the circumstances. He became both dictatorial +and tender. She was shielded from draughts, assisted +up and down stairs; he ran after her with shawls +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_189">[Pg 189]</span>and wraps; she became the object of his unwavering, +worshipful attention; his blue eyes, round, expressionless +and innocent, followed every move she made. +“For heaven’s sake, Robert, leave me alone. I’m +quite all right. I won’t break.” And he would say +absent-mindedly: “I’m sorry.” The next instant his +arm would be around her waist. It was clear that he +realized nothing.... Some day he must know that +he had been making a fool of himself. Her physical +presence, this child, were his. Her feeling, all that +made her desirable, belonged to Flagg. Without +Flagg, she was valueless, like a counterfeit coin. +Robert was insufferable because he could not see.</p> + +<p>To escape him, the barrier of protective, almost +primitive tenderness he had built around her, she followed +the bridle paths through the woods. She +wanted to ride but Robert objected. There were two +saddle horses in the stable, a roan and a chestnut, +good English horses full of mettle that turned rakish +eyes on Lilah whenever she went to their stalls. +“They’ve been boxed up all winter,” Robert said. +“They’re mad to run. But the ground’s soft. They +won’t feel a saddle until the end of April.” He added: +“We may have more snow. This is a false Spring.”</p> + +<p>Whenever Robert touched her, Lilah had an impression +of herself tamed and savage, a dangerous +restraint, a hanging on beyond the powers of endurance.</p> + +<p>She had not written Flagg. That soft St. Kitt’s +voice with its accent of mockery had told him that +Mrs. Peabody was “out of town.” No more. She +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_190">[Pg 190]</span>had not seen him since that day in his rooms, when +she had promised him.... Now she was gone. He +would believe that she had lost courage, had fled from +facts. So she had.... She could not face such facts +as had assailed her, beaten her down, overwhelmed +her. He would despise her. Or else he would follow +and question her.... She dreaded every day +that held this possibility. It would be like Flagg to +get at the truth, whether or not he hurt her or hurt +himself.</p> + +<p>Men were selfish. Flagg, like the rest. She was +being destroyed by the selfish love of these three men, +Junius, Robert, Flagg.</p> + +<p>Junius had said simply, at Robert’s announcement: +“I’m glad. There will be some one, a Peabody, to +appreciate the Moselle.” Later, to Lilah, he had +added: “I wish you were happy, Lilah.” Irritated, +she moved away, and he followed, put his thin, +withered hand on her arm. “I don’t pretend to understand +your generation. But I can read certain +human sign-posts. If you can’t talk to me, to whom +can you talk?”</p> + +<p>She faced him with a stony expression. “If Robert +could read sign-posts,” she said, “I wouldn’t be here. +He wouldn’t want me.”</p> + +<p>Junius Peabody’s look changed and Lilah realized +that she had touched his pride. After a moment, during +which he brushed his mustache with that large, +cambric handkerchief scented faintly with Cologne +water, he said: “I won’t argue. Your remark was in +bad taste.... I don’t give a snap of my finger for +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_191">[Pg 191]</span>Robert. He hasn’t the qualities I admire; the things +I began he seems unable to finish. Or else he doesn’t +care, which is the disease at the core of society to-day. +You don’t care, any of you, about anything outside +yourselves.... I believe I warned you, in the +beginning, of what might happen?”</p> + +<p>Lilah ignored the implied question. “I’m here,” +she said briefly.</p> + +<p>“Is duty, too, out of fashion?” he asked with an +ironic smile.</p> + +<p>“Yes,” she answered. “When it is discharged unwillingly. +When it gets in the way of—”</p> + +<p>“Of what?”</p> + +<p>“Being yourself.”</p> + +<p>Junius Peabody shrugged his shoulders. “What +will the world be like when each one of us looks out +for himself? We will be at the mercy of such disciplined +creatures as the army ant. I can’t see that +you gain by being what you term ‘yourself.’ You +aren’t happier than the women of my day, who were +what their husbands expected of them.... I am +willing, however, to be instructed....”</p> + +<p>He broke off and stared through the window at the +flashing sea. “The Forsythe’s girl, Marian, spent the +holidays at home. She used to come over here quite +often. At first, because she came on skis across the +hills and arrived as rosy as a snow apple, I enjoyed +her visits. Later, I dreaded them. At seventeen, she +has the knowledge and the vocabulary of a roué. She +had learned more badness at a girls’ school in New +York than I knew at thirty, or forty. She smoked, +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_192">[Pg 192]</span>of course. She would sit where you are sitting and +light one cigarette from another. And she tossed the +ends away with the gesture of a longshoreman. She +was an excellent shot.... Externals.... So I +thought. But the thing went deeper. She was +clever. She had reasoned herself out of responsibility +and I could find no flaw in her arguments.... +When she had gone I would sit for hours, depressed, +frightened. That she used a lipstick, not skillfully, +is certainly a symbol—of what, I am not certain. I +would have said that she was going to the devil.... +She had a sort of brusque contempt for love, as I understand +it; yet her whole appeal was to sex. Her +attitudes—initiated, purposeful—were inviting. Love +would fail. Marriage would fail. She not only expected +to have a lover, she behaved as if such experiments +were inevitable. She liked me, at eighty-four, +because, she said, I was a ‘sport.’ What she meant +was that I gave her cigarettes and whisky whenever +she came here. She was bored, and, I am certain, +not happy. Something has been damaged in these +young people; their imagination....”</p> + +<p>Lilah said: “I wouldn’t be too complacent about +the past, if I were you. There were girls like Marian +Forsythe in Victoria’s day—they fainted for the same +reason the modern flapper shows her legs.”</p> + +<p>He laughed and Lilah, stooping quickly, kissed the +top of his head, where the hair, snow white, showed +a pink parting. “I love to quarrel with you.... +You aren’t to worry about me. I’m twenty-seven, +twenty-eight, almost. I love some one Robert doesn’t +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_193">[Pg 193]</span>know, has never heard of. You said I would. I do. +It happened the way that wind out there comes up in +the Spring, scattering everything, waking things up, +changing the face of the world. I don’t know what +I’m going to do. Take him, of course. But not +now.”</p> + +<p>Junius Peabody’s face had gone a little gray; beneath +the sweep of white mustaches, his lips trembled. +Lilah saw that he was too old, too worn, to stand the +shock of violent circumstances. He said nothing. +His unsteady hands groped for hers, patting them, +stroking them. Suddenly Lilah loved him, because +he seemed to understand her.</p> + +<hr class="tb"> + +<p>Robert wanted her to see his spaniels. “It’s a +small thing to do for me, Lilah.” It was, invariably, +either too cold or too windy or too damp to cross the +“greenery” to the kennels. Lilah found excuses, because +to subscribe to an enthusiasm of Robert’s was +to encourage him, and it was more stimulating to test +his devotion by inventing subtle rebuffs. The question +of the spaniels came up repeatedly; their antagonism +swung to it like a weather vane; it became +the focus of his desire to subjugate her and of her +desire to torment him. There was no other vengeance; +Lilah found comfort in blaming Robert for +her loss. “I don’t like spaniels.” Robert winced and +said desperately: “But they’re fine little chaps! You +can’t help liking them.” Lilah knew that Robert’s +pups fetched extravagant prices and that a glass case +in the kennels contained a dozen blue rosettes dear +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_194">[Pg 194]</span>to Robert’s heart. She finally inspected the trophies +and the dogs. It would not do to be surly. But she +managed, by an expression, a smile, a reservation, to +make Robert feel that the whole business was childish, +useless and absurd.</p> + +<hr class="tb"> + +<p>April came, and still there was no snow.</p> + +<p>It was customary at the Point to send one of the +stable men to the postoffice, ten miles distant, every +day at noon. The mail was brought in a leather +pouch and emptied upon a table in the hall. Lilah +was conscious of this rite no matter where she happened +to be. A month had passed without word from +Flagg. She dreaded any sign from him, yet expected, +longed for even the most scornful message. She +waited with a peculiar, tormented shrinking for that +letter she knew must come.</p> + +<p>One day, as she passed the table, she caught sight +of her name written in a small, black, unfamiliar hand +upon a square envelope.</p> + +<p>She opened it before she realized that Flagg had, +at last, written. Thrusting the letter into her pocket, +she went outdoors, and, this time, to the beach. No +matter what he had said, he had written; she could +bear the brightness of the sea! The beach was packed +smooth by the receding tide, and ribbons of kelp lay +at high-water mark like garlands strung from dune +to dune. There was no wind. A mackerel sky, +translucent shells of vapor, clouded the sun. It was +such a vast sky, so tall, so immovable, so luminous! +Lilah saw herself, very small, walking between sky +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_195">[Pg 195]</span>and earth, walking in a great crystal globe, with her +letter.</p> + +<p>She read it at last, expecting a burning accusation. +But Flagg said simply that he was waiting for word +from her. He was remarkably better, and her absence, +prolonged unreasonably, was the only thing +that stood between him and happiness, recovery.</p> + +<p>Lilah turned back to the envelope. The address, +Peabody’s Point, proved that he knew where she was. +If she did not write to him, he would come. And +that, for every one, for herself most of all, would +mean disaster.</p> + +<p>She went through the deep, dry sand to the dunes +and lay full length, her arms under her head, staring +up at the sky. The earth receded, seemed to drop +away, and she was floating in a void. The sand was +warm on the surface, cool if you dug your fingers in. +And the hum of the sea was lazy, detached, like the +hum in a conch shell. Patches of cloud moved, and +the sky was gentian blue.... It hurt, a physical +hurt, to be alone....</p> + +<p>What could she tell him? The truth? And drive +him away! Nothing?</p> + +<p>Suddenly, for the first time, she saw herself as a +failure. She had missed everything.</p> + +<hr class="tb"> + +<p>The following morning she spoke to Robert about +the necessary closing of the Thirty-eighth Street +house. She thought that he ought to attend to it. +Servants were always careless and she herself did not +feel equal to details. Robert, in riding breeches and +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_196">[Pg 196]</span>puttees, was polishing a saddle. He had the rich +man’s fondness for doing himself what he paid other +men to do. “Let Grace attend to it,” he said. “She’s +a crackerjack at that sort of thing.” Lilah said +tersely that Grace had gone back to nursing; she was +not in New York. Robert looked up. “Well, I’ll be +damned! Why didn’t you tell me so?” Lilah answered +that she had not supposed he cared one way +or the other. This Robert took to be a twinge of +jealousy. His spirits rose and he caught Lilah and +kissed her. “You care, don’t you? I mean, for me? +Sometimes, I wonder. You’re a deep one.... I’m +crazy about you, Lilah! I wonder if you know how +happy I am?”</p> + +<p>“Are you? Then you’ll go to town and close the +house. There’s a good Bobsie.”</p> + +<p>When he had gone, she felt relief. It was good to +be alone with Junius. He pottered about at small, +fussy undertakings which had the dignity of rites religiously +performed. The old relish details which impede +the young—the exact measure of a cup of coffee, +the arrival of the mail carriage promptly at noon, +the aroma of a cigar, a meticulous and rigidly adhered +to change of garments at seven o’clock, the rise and +fall of the barometer, the flavor of a chop. Life was +given a false but comforting air of permanence and +dignity by the importance of little things. There was +no headlong rush.</p> + +<p>Lilah had allowed herself to be careless; she had +not, since her arrival, dressed for dinner. Now, with +Robert gone, that eager, propitiating, sympathetic +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_197">[Pg 197]</span>presence out of the way, she flattered Junius by appearing +for dinner in negligeés with floating sleeves, +in odd headdresses made of twisted silk, her fingers a +frosty, excessive sparkle of jewels. A sort of flirtation, +rather, an appreciation of one another, candid +and humorous, could not have gone on in Robert’s +presence. They could not be themselves where there +was a likelihood of criticism. Lilah said: “We are +very alike.” And Junius agreed. Changeable, intolerant, +vain, impulsive. Delightful! But dangerous +to other people. Together, they could play—act, shift +like the winds, speak of beauty, or sit in silence, conscious +of their pride and their perfection. Robert +had a way, heavy, uncomprehending, of taking them +for granted. “She is happier without Robert,” Junius +thought. “I’ll keep him away a while longer. There +is work to be done in Georgia—I’m buying cypress. +I’ll send him there, make it imperative. The color’s +coming back to her cheeks. Too bad! Too bad!... +But I stuck, where she won’t.” He could pity +her, for she was so like himself, with all that indefinable +search for perfection, that restless desire never +satisfied. He was sorry for such people. Far better +to be commonplace and to find, in acceptance of dullness, +content he and she could never find. There was +something wrong, unbalanced, in such insatiable natures, +and yet their very discontent and arrogance set +them aside from the common run of people, made +them, he felt certain, immeasurably superior. He was +sorry for her. He took to watching her furtively as +he smoked his single after-dinner cigar.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_198">[Pg 198]</span></p> + +<p>She had absolutely no interest in small domestic +matters; however, when she was in the house things +ran better than they ever did under Aunt Whiteside’s +fussy management. She would spend a whole evening +staring into the fire, wanting to talk to him about +the man she loved, but keeping still because she had +a sense of proportion—after all, he was Robert’s +grandfather! Junius was curious to know about the +man who had won her, what sort of fellow he was—some +one unusual, of course, as different from Robert +as possible. And Junius had a twinge of remote envy, +an almost romantic sensation; he knew what rapture +she was capable of if a man once touched her imagination. +Some one mysterious, a little cruel—otherwise, +she would have had nothing to do with him.... As +for himself, he enjoyed her presence; he would have +prolonged the moment, stretched it out indefinitely, +for it contained, in its essence, the illusion of youth. +He could dream, without being ashamed of dreaming. +Detached, sympathetic, he watched her. She would +play for him if he asked it; he liked the modern composers; +the more modern the better! Old songs were +wistful, reminiscent. But these strange, exciting modernists +gave you a sense of to-morrow, innovation, audacity, +as if anything were possible, save when, as in +the Clair de Lune, there was pity and tenderness for +the despised and forgotten posturings of lovers and +poets....</p> + +<hr class="tb"> + +<p>Robert went reluctantly to Georgia, and Lilah was +left to make her decision. Another letter came from +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_199">[Pg 199]</span>Flagg, impatient, this time, with a touch of anger +and rebellion. She answered that things were not as +simple as she had expected; he must wait. A wire +was brought to her two days later. He was coming!</p> + +<p>Lilah went at once to Junius. She gave him the +telegram and stood waiting. “You see. I can’t stop +him. He’ll be here to-morrow.”</p> + +<p>Junius said: “Flagg.... You didn’t tell me his +name.... Does he know....”</p> + +<p>“No!” Lilah spoke sharply. “No! I love him. +I want him. What shall I do?”</p> + +<p>“I’ll send him away. He mustn’t bother you. +He’s got to be made to understand that you are here, +with us, temporarily.... You see, in this I am old-fashioned. +His following you shocks me. Robert is +away. And as sorry as I am for you, if he insists, +I’ll take my cane to him!”</p> + +<p>He stroked her hand. “There. There. These +things aren’t irrevocable.”</p> + +<p>Lilah said: “I intend to see him.”</p> + +<p>“I intend to prevent you.”</p> + +<p>“You can’t.”</p> + +<p>Their eyes met and Junius rose. “I won’t have +you cheapen yourself. Sell yourself for a song! I +love you, too.”</p> + +<p>“You don’t!” she retorted. “You couldn’t, and expect +me to go on living this way. Quivering, inside, +when Robert comes near me. I deny him everything. +I torment him. His goodness makes a devil of me. +I don’t want this child. I’m drugged, now, by this +place—a sort of lull, when I sleep because it is easier +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_200">[Pg 200]</span>to sleep. But now that I know Flagg is coming, I +come alive, body and soul. Perhaps I have ruined +Robert’s life, but my own will be ruined unless I have +Flagg.”</p> + +<p>With a feeling of futility, of confusion and fatigue +Junius said: “If this man’s a gentleman, I won’t need +to send him off; he’ll go. And stay!”</p> + +<p>With a gesture of contempt, Lilah left him. But +she was more concerned than she cared to let Junius +know.</p> + +<p>She went to her room and dressed for riding. The +windows were open and she could hear the excited +barking of dogs in the kennel. A gardener was turning +sod on the lawn, spreading manure. Lilacs were +in bud. Nearly a year had passed since that marriage +before an altar of syringa bloom. Another year, and +what would have happened to her?</p> + +<p>She stared at herself in the mirror; then, dissatisfied, +studied her face in a hand-glass, scrutinizing her skin. +The struggle to preserve a balance, to keep some sort +of hold on security, had aged her; her mouth drooped. +In two years she would be thirty. In ten, forty. And +she was going to be a withered, embittered little old +woman; perhaps, after all, beauty was a disadvantage. +If Flagg lived, she would have to hold him with beauty, +where another woman might hold him with easy sensuality, +laughter and indifference to externals—a lazy, +affectionate, humorous, slovenly woman....</p> + +<p>Lilah put the mirror down. She passed her hands +over her face, shivered, laughed unsteadily. She was +slim as a boy in riding clothes.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_201">[Pg 201]</span></p> + +<p>She went out without speaking again to Junius. +Their friendship had been shattered in that clash of +wills; pride, in him, was intensified by senility. He +was going to be difficult; he might even send for +Robert because the Peabody integrity was threatened....</p> + +<p>One of the stablemen was rollicking with the spaniel +in the yard. He touched his cap and when Lilah asked +him to saddle the roan, he remarked doubtfully: “He’s +awful fresh, ma’am.” Lilah stooped over the dog and +said tersely: “Bring him out. I can manage him.”</p> + +<p>In the saddle, she had a moment of panic. The +big horse wheeled sideways in the gravel, but Lilah +mounted, with a spring from the stableman’s palm. +She felt very small and light and free.</p> + +<p>She rode directly to the woods, where, in softer +ground, the roan was impatient. It was late afternoon. +A sudden darkness, clouds pushing up from +the western horizon, was followed by a rush of cold +wind, and a whirl of leaves blew against the horse’s +legs, startling him. Lilah controlled him with difficulty. +Her hand on his neck, she urged him forward.</p> + +<p>The wood was bleak, gray, silent again after that +brief rush of wind, and Lilah heard a shrill, treble +pipe of frogs in a pool. But where was Flagg’s dance +of gnats at sundown? Spring was here and she could +not watch it with him. She would have to send him +away. Truth or pretext, she would have to send him +away.... She thought of the child as a tide, rising, +rising, uncontrollable. This life was within her. She +contained it and was contained within it. Neither in +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_202">[Pg 202]</span>body or soul was there escape. She was no longer +herself; she was implicated, bound up in, adhered +to, responsible for, another self, a self unrecognized, +featureless, without volition, yet powerful, terrible. +She was a body bound by body. Irrevocable....</p> + +<p>The world had changed. The sun was gone, and +with it the warmth of the earth. The roan was chilly, +nervous. His ears flicked back, and with a whinny +he began to run. Lilah thought: “I’ll give him his +head and let him run it out—he’ll come to himself +when he’s tired.” Already her hands were numb, her +arms stiff.</p> + +<p>The bridle path doubled through the woods, crossed +and recrossed itself, gaining ten miles by this duplicity. +The dark, wet earth, broken by pools of melted +snow, made a tunnel through tangled growth of trees, +very old and tall. A blurred twilight seemed to bar +the way. Lilah bent forward. She could no longer +guide the horse. Sensing her surrender, her fear, he +lost his head.</p> + +<p>He left the road. The branch of a tree tore Lilah’s +hat off. She shrieked at him. “Whoa! Whoa! +Stop! You brute! Stop! For God’s sake, stop!”</p> + +<p>She was struck on the back, between her shoulders. +A tearing, a blow. She was pulled, thrown, dragged, +face down, in a thicket. She thought, twisting over +on her side: “This is death.”</p> + +<p>A dark pain, like blood, flowed over her breast, +and she fell back again.</p> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> +<div class="chapter"> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_203">[Pg 203]</span></p> + + + <h2 class="nobreak" id="IX"> + IX + </h2> +</div> + + +<p class="dropcap"><span class="upper-case">There</span> was nothing to do but for Lilah to go.</p> + +<p>Robert came into her room again, pale, +with that new look of a man who has found +himself in suffering.</p> + +<p>“I’m going, Robert.”</p> + +<p>Robert sat down by the bed. He avoided looking +at her. It was a pain to look at her; Lilah, with +that ghost whiteness, the blue veins showing at her +temples, her hair in two childish braids over her shoulders. +She was like a little girl. At the same time, +there was a mystery about her. She had suffered +so. She had had to pass, alone, through a dark, terrible +suffering where no one could follow or help her. +Robert felt ashamed, because his own suffering was +so unimportant in comparison to hers. And yet his +own cried out for speech. He wanted her to know +that she had killed something in him; he would never +tell her. Never.</p> + +<p>“You can go, if you want to,” he said stiffly.</p> + +<p>Lilah turned her head on the pillow. “You don’t +want me to stay, do you?”</p> + +<p>“Not if you love Flagg.”</p> + +<p>“I do.”</p> + +<p>After a moment, Robert said, “I’ve seen Flagg. +He’s staying at Biddeford. Did you know?”</p> + +<p>“Yes.”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_204">[Pg 204]</span></p> + +<p>“I suppose my grandfather told you.”</p> + +<p>“Your grandfather is decent enough to pity me.”</p> + +<p>Suddenly Robert went down on his knees and put +his face on her hand. “God knows I pity you. Stay +with me, Lilah. Tell me where I’ve failed.”</p> + +<p>“It’s no good,” she said, “to try. To stay. Don’t +blame me too much. I didn’t know what love was.”</p> + +<p>Her hand stirred beneath his lips, and he got up +again stiffly.</p> + +<p>“You must stay until you’re well.”</p> + +<p>“They’ll let me walk to-morrow,” she said eagerly.</p> + +<p>“Flagg wants me to divorce you.... Well, I +won’t.”</p> + +<p>“Why?”</p> + +<p>He had not intended to tell her. But the answer +was torn out of him, a physical wrench, as if he had +pulled a leech from off his heart. “You’ve hurt me +enough between you! I’ll be damned if I’ll let you +humiliate me. A man who divorces his wife is a +coward. You may do what you like. But I won’t +divorce you.”</p> + +<p>Lilah turned on her side, away from him. She +could see the sky, a deep, warm blue, with thin clouds +passing over. And a quick flight of birds. She had +intended to tell Robert that she was sorry. Now she +couldn’t.</p> + +<p>After a moment, he went out.</p> + +<hr class="tb"> + +<p>She left the Point one morning in June. Her trunks +and boxes had gone off the night before. Robert’s +motor, driven by the stable man, Edmonton, was to +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_205">[Pg 205]</span>take her to the station. Robert had flung away up +the beach, followed by the spaniel. Junius kissed +her good-by. He permitted himself only one reproach. +“I’m not sure that this is going to be any +better. You won’t like poverty. And happiness at +the expense of another is likely to go stale.”</p> + +<p>“You had Venice,” she reminded him.</p> + +<p>“But I came back.”</p> + +<p>He took her hand. “Are you sure?”</p> + +<p>“Quite.”</p> + +<p>A wave of faintness, something almost hysterical, +caused her to lean against him. “We have to be true +to ourselves. Sacrifice is out of date.... If Robert +is wise, he’ll let me go and not care.”</p> + +<p>“Good-by, my dear.”</p> + +<p>She kissed him quickly.</p> + +<p>The motor turned out of the drive, sped smoothly +through the forest, now richly green, and she saw +the place where she had been thrown, where Flagg, +late that night, had found her. It was like him to +have arrived sooner than he was expected. Like him, +once there, to have faced his responsibility. Through +her illness, he had stayed at Biddeford, within call. +They had not let him see her, but Junius had played +the part, not unwillingly, of messenger; he enjoyed, +Lilah knew, the disloyal intrigue. Any man of spirit, +Junius probably argued—any man of his own day—would +have driven to Biddeford to thrash Flagg on +general principles; but Robert had mooned about the +house, had sat for hours with his head in his hands! +Junius Peabody’s sympathies were with Lilah. Lilah, +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_206">[Pg 206]</span>who lay rigid, her figure outlined beneath the bed +covers, her face drawn with the peculiar tension of +her will to conquer. Even death.... He had +brought Flagg’s messages with a grim tenderness and +had murmured them to her often when she seemed +unable to hear. Only her lips had quivered, or there +had been a faint smile. Whenever Junius wavered, +ashamed of his own part in the affair, he reminded +himself that in no other way could she be kept +alive....</p> + +<p>Lilah shuddered. The motor left the woods, turned +sharply into the paved highroad.... What did Edmonton +know?</p> + +<p>It occurred to her that Edmonton was no longer +her servant. In the performance of his duty, he was +driving her, as he would have driven a guest, to the +station.</p> + +<p>She straightened herself sharply. Her look became +at once indifferent and haughty. But something was +unsteady, out of balance, threatening. Her hold on +life was precarious; she was drifting away from safety, +from her established self. The new self she would +have to create to meet the situation she found herself +in was still shadowy; she must wear a different face.... +Love in exile.... The future had no significance. +Nor was there reality in the image of herself, +reckless, dedicated, indifferent, somehow romantic....</p> + +<p>At the station, Edmonton, swinging her hand-luggage +to the platform, showed an impassive face and +asked: “New York, madam?”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_207">[Pg 207]</span></p> + +<p>She thought of tipping him and changed her mind. +After all, she wasn’t a guest.... She could not resist +saying, as the long train slipped down the track +toward them: “Don’t let Mr. Robert saddle the roan +while I’m away, Edmonton.”</p> + +<p>He flushed and touched his cap. He had heard +something! Servants found out everything. “No, +ma’am. Indeed, no, ma’am. I won’t. Be sure of that.” +An astonished, gratified, sly look passed across his +eyes. He handed Lilah aboard with a return of deference, +an unmistakable relish.</p> + +<hr class="tb"> + +<p>Lilah met Flagg in New York. She went to a hotel, +and Flagg stayed at the borrowed flat in the ’Fifties. +She had a few hundred dollars, and she had brought +every rag and stitch of clothing and all of her jewels. +It was, she argued, no affair of Flagg’s. Robert had +given her these things; they belonged to her. She +owned a distinguished string of small pearls, well-matched +and unusually brilliant, and, for the more +formal occasions of the season, Junius had given her +a small crown of emeralds which had belonged to +Minnie; this, with an emerald bracelet, too heavy and +ornate for wear, had about them the innocent elegance +of the ’Eighties.... Lilah discovered her wedding +ring among the diamonds and square-cut sapphires she +preferred. She decided to wear it....</p> + +<p>She met Flagg in the lobby of the hotel and they +talked in the comparative isolation of a taxicab throbbing +up and down Fifth Avenue in a complicated, +nervous stream of traffic.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_208">[Pg 208]</span></p> + +<p>Their first excitement gave way to a hurried planning. +They must, Lilah argued, leave New York. +“I’ve made such a ‘noise’ here,” she said. “I’m more +of a personage than you realize.”</p> + +<p>Lilah expected to follow Flagg to his middle-west +university town and to become an anonymous figure +in the background of his life. But Flagg shook his +head. “We’d be better off in New York.”</p> + +<p>Lilah suppressed a sharp anxiety. “You won’t lecture, +then?”</p> + +<p>He assured her again that he wanted only to lie +on a green hill with his head in her lap!</p> + +<p>“I can get my hands on three hundred a month. +Not much; but we needn’t starve! If you say, we’ll +go abroad. Three hundred a month isn’t to be sneezed +at in Italy.”</p> + +<p>“But you wanted to go on with your work!”</p> + +<p>His interest in teaching, he explained, had lessened +as his knowledge increased. He was beginning to believe +that he could do little more than “shove his pupils +off the high road into the wilderness of personal experience, +speculation”; besides, he was beginning to +doubt the value of his own contribution. “When I +found you there, crumpled, covered with blood, apparently +dead, I was staggered by my ignorance. +Death, for myself, has always seemed a sort of translation. +But you—flesh I love—There is no solace +for what I felt! I want to spend the rest of my days +with my arms around a concrete loveliness, warmth, +life.... Lilah, I’m afraid to go on alone!”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_209">[Pg 209]</span></p> + +<p>His desire persisted. They must go abroad, at +once. Every day spent in the city, crowded, humid, +was wasted. Lilah had the impression that Flagg was +hurrying to a happiness which might, with delay, be +lost. Impatient, often irritable, he was upset by small +details; he wanted Lilah, enjoyment, fulfillment, immediately. +The matter of passports proved to be embarrassing. +Flagg’s honesty would permit of no compromise +and Lilah refused to allow their names to +appear on the same passenger list. They agreed, +finally, to sail on different ships and to meet in Genoa +or Naples.</p> + +<p>Flagg left Lilah at her hotel and, alone, went about +the complicated business of steamer reservations.</p> + +<p>If only there had not been this hiatus; the outlines +of the adventure were already blurred; in his arms, +secure, the past definitely discarded, her pleasure in +her own audacity would return....</p> + +<p>She glanced out over the city. From her bedroom, +twenty-two stories above the street, she could see the +rivers, metallic, laced with bridges. She was impressed +by her lack of superiority, save only the elevation +granted her by this wall of granite and steel.... +Flagg was somewhere down in that swarm of +people, that tossing and scurrying of humanity....</p> + +<p>Here, society was out of focus. Her rightness or +wrongness was lost in a conglomerate jumble of right +and wrong. She could not comprehend adultery—a +cruel word—betrayal. These things counted only as +they affected a few individuals. Her right to happiness +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_210">[Pg 210]</span>was paramount. That crowd down there cared +nothing, knew nothing, of what she did or was, what +she felt, her success, her failure.... She was struck +by the indifference of the mob, the savage concentration +of the individual. No tragedy, not even national +disaster, not even war, could touch them all! What, +then, was she, was any one afraid of? To break a +commandment, to do good, was like throwing a pebble +into a pool—a little hoop of ripples....</p> + +<hr class="tb"> + +<p>Flagg did not come back at once. He telephoned +that he was standing in line at the Customs House. +“Have a photograph taken.” “Must I?” It struck +her that it was not going to be simple, this flight. +They might have gone to California, to Cuba! “But +we can’t buy <i>lire</i> in California,” Flagg reminded her. +With a hint of impatience, he rang off. And Lilah, +alone again, thought: “I’ll go to Thirty-eighth Street. +There may be an old photograph—”</p> + +<p>She dressed with an odd sense of excitement, of +daring. She remembered the Waterford glass chandeliers; +she had never seen them in place. After all, +the house was her creation; she had evoked it. Flagg +could have no possible objection to her going there. +For the rendezvous with that self she was discarding, +she wore a gown Elmer Shawhan had approved of, +longer than the fashion of the moment, made of dark +blue and sulphur yellow; her stockings, sheer; her +feet, in strapped slippers, might have been bare. A +small hat and a heavy veil, the perfume she affected, +gave her an exclusive, an unmistakable elegance.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_211">[Pg 211]</span></p> + +<p>The caretaker admitted her, after a delay, while the +taxicab she had hired waited at the curb. “Mrs. Peabody!”</p> + +<p>Again that look of surprise! Lilah brushed her +way in, across the hall, upstairs. The shades were +not drawn and a flood of sunlight illuminated Elmer +Shawhan’s riotous panels. Lilah thought: “I told +Robert to darken this room!” She stood on the +threshold in a sort of trance of delight. She had forgotten +how lovely it was; even now, with the furniture +covered, the rugs rolled back, it was a room +worthy of respect.... Her dreams of a little renaissance +had come to nothing; her next step was even +less promising. Italy, with a man she could not +marry, an invalid who had abandoned his career for +her sake....</p> + +<p>She crossed the room and became suddenly conscious +of voices. Before she could draw back, or +hide, Robert and Grace Fuller came in from the hall. +Grace Fuller was in gray, her natural distinction accentuated +by a clever hat. Lilah saw Robert’s face, +flushed and angry. For the first time in her knowledge +of him he was beside himself. She said breathlessly: +“I didn’t know you were in New York! I +wouldn’t have come here, naturally....”</p> + +<p>“I intend to sell the house,” he interrupted. “I +haven’t spent a happy day here.... If there is anything +you want, you are welcome to it.”</p> + +<p>Grace Fuller looked from one to the other. In her +expression, amusement and pity conquered embarrassment. +“Aren’t you two going to be sensible?”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_212">[Pg 212]</span></p> + +<p>“No!” Lilah wanted to run, to fly ignominiously +from this humiliation. She saw how the wind blew; +what Robert intended to do; where he had turned, +already, for solace, “understanding.” The whole incident +made life and love seem disgusting, trivial. +Flagg could do nothing to erase the fact of her marriage +to Robert. All of their best moments together +were ugly in the light of their present situation. They +who had been intimate were bitter strangers, abashed +by the memory of their intimacy.</p> + +<p>She cried desperately: “Let me go. This is abominable.”</p> + +<p>Robert said nothing and she ran downstairs. The +astonished caretaker opened the door and shut it again, +with a bang.</p> + +<hr class="tb"> + +<p>In the taxi, Lilah conquered her panic. “Drive +around the park slowly.” She needed people, movement, +color, to restore her faith in herself....</p> + +<p>No matter what the world thought, now, later she +would be forgiven if she failed magnificently. New +York was charitable to picturesque sinners. Florence, +a villa, herself, wistful but triumphant.... She +wondered whether she could do without the things she +had, in a year, come to regard as necessary. On three +hundred a month she would have to wear made-over +clothes; she would have to curb her extravagant desire +for amusing, expensive accessories. She was one +of those women who sense every variation in style, +each new subtle trick of elegance, the sleight-of-hand +of the mode. To be inconspicuous and astonishing +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_213">[Pg 213]</span>had become paramount. Until she met Flagg, she +had thought of little else. Her charm and her pert +wit had carried her. She had forgotten how to think, +what to think, since she had long ago discovered that +a worthless opinion spoken decisively passes for cleverness +in a hurried world.</p> + +<p>Flagg would not like her friends, vivacious log-rollers +who had peddled their superficial accomplishments +successfully and now called themselves the +Young Generation of American writers, painters, +actors, critics and editors. Lilah enjoyed their ostentatious +sophistry, their good humor and their irreverence. +They stimulated her and never bored her; like +them, she was fundamentally restless, unstable, impatient. +Perhaps she was incapable of constancy.... +She could never follow Flagg’s thought, painstaking, +honest, uncompromising....</p> + +<p>The cab turned into the park. On wide, dusty +greens children in bright dresses romped with colored +balloons. A procession of motors in a blue reek of +gasoline clogged the drives.</p> + +<p>To be victorious, she must dominate Flagg. He +might turn poet or mystic, or he might be content +with sunlight and <i>fritto misto</i>.</p> + +<p>She had seen many such couples—lovers who had +surrendered respectability without a struggle, who +had relinquished position, who no longer cared what +was said or thought about their affair and who fought +like cats and dogs. She must see that this didn’t +happen. After all, every love, no matter how exalted +in the beginning, inevitably resolved into a struggle +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_214">[Pg 214]</span>against the loss of illusion. So fragile the threads +from heart to heart, so impermanent affection.... +Junius had once said to her that the only happy love +relationships were illicit because marriage harnessed +the imagination. He believed in the European marriage +of convenience, a business arrangement, something +outside the emotions. If this were so, Lilah +thought, she had a chance of happiness....</p> + +<p>The telephone bell was ringing fretfully when she +opened the door of her room at the hotel. She ran, +lifted the receiver with a sudden, passionate recklessness.</p> + +<p>Flagg’s voice, purposefully tranquil, tightened her +heart. He began to say that there would be difficulty, +when she interrupted him: “No! No! I was +wrong. Forgive me. There’s nothing to be ashamed +of. The slate’s clean. We’ll go together.”</p> + +<hr class="tb"> + +<p>Florence was all a golden yellow in August, dusted +with the pollen of hot sunlight. Flagg and Lilah +climbed over the hills or drove in a rickety cab, house-hunting. +They chose, finally, a small villa, ironically +enough named “Villino Sans-Souci,” near the Ponte +a Mensola. It was dirty, but there was a grape arbor +at the back, and two very old cypresses, black, tipped +with gold, traced invisible slow spirals upon a purple +sky. Vincigliata rose behind them and in the cypress +groves at sunset there was a constant call of cuckoos. +“Legendary,” Flagg said. “Mournful, and beautiful. +We’ll take this. What do you say, Lilah?”</p> + +<p>They could afford it, just. Flagg figured hurriedly +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_215">[Pg 215]</span>on the back of an envelope. “Rent. Cook. Food +and light. Fuel. Not much left for cabs, Lilah! +Or the opera. But we have the view! Turn around, +my dear, and look—”</p> + +<p>Through the arbor, framed in the dusty arch of +grape-leaves, they could see the Dome, those delicate +stone shafts, remote, miraculous, the Tower, the Bargello, +and that great black lily, the Signoria, thrusting +through the tumbled roofs of the city.</p> + +<p>“It hasn’t changed,” Lilah said. “What immortal +loveliness!” She leaned against Flagg and let herself +sink into her appreciation of him. Robert would +have been more concerned with the plumbing than +with the view. Flagg cared for nothing so long as +he could fill his senses with this old, secretive, sardonic +city, this city with bold cheek-bones, short shining +hair, the smile of Gioconda and the eyes of a +hired warrior. Flagg belonged in Florence; there was +nothing modern about him; he was like Leonardo, +was perhaps, Leonardo, sent back to question, to advance +a little way, to recede again, like a comet flying +down space.... She turned her head and kissed +his shoulder.</p> + +<p>“Perhaps you won’t miss the other things—”</p> + +<p>“What other things?”</p> + +<p>“Your work. Those guinea pigs and test tubes, +those farmer boys looking to you for the word.”</p> + +<p>His eyes, for the first time in many weeks, shut her +out. But he smiled and his arm tightened about her +waist. “If no one ever comes here—if we’re left alone +to grow old in our arbor—will you mind, Lilah?”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_216">[Pg 216]</span></p> + +<p>“No!”</p> + +<p>They went into the house, and Lilah, with wide gestures, +refurnished it. “We’ll have to get rid of all +the furniture. All of it! And those fearful pictures. +Except that one—that’s so bad it’s—positively good! +This room needs Venetian brocade, claret-against-the-light +color, with Sixteenth Century chairs—”</p> + +<p>“But we can’t afford such things,” Flagg interrupted.</p> + +<p>“I’d go mad if I had to live in the same house with +a gilded waste-paper basket,” Lilah answered.</p> + +<p>The agent, sensing criticism, rattled the keys. “The +villino belongs to a celebrated poet,” he said eagerly. +He showed his teeth and repeated: “Most celebrated!”</p> + +<p>“It was here,” he assured them with dignity, “he +wrote ‘<i>Belle Mani</i>.’ You know this book?”</p> + +<p>They had come out into the arbor again. And, +licking herself in a patch of sunlight, a little black +cat had made herself at home. “Does the cat go +with the house?” Flagg demanded.</p> + +<p>The agent made a violent gesture. “I have him +killed! At once! This poet liked the cats—<i>everywhere +cats</i>!” He made a terrible face and waved his +arms. “<i>Shoo!</i> Get out!”</p> + +<p>The cat rose, arched her back, yawned and with +her tail in the air, slightly crooked at the tip—a sign +of pleasure—went straight to Flagg. He picked her +up. “If your poet liked cats, he has my permission +to use gilded waste-paper baskets.”</p> + +<p>Lilah was seized with a perverse mirth.</p> + +<p>“Spaniels and cats,” she said. But, to Flagg, she +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_217">[Pg 217]</span>refused to explain. Holding the little black cat in +the crook of his arm, he was tickling her under the +chin where a patch of white fur was worn, daintily, +like a bib.</p> + +<hr class="tb"> + +<p>In the blazing stillness of an August mid-afternoon, +their drowsy isolation was broken into by a friend +of Flagg’s who came out from Florence on a bicycle +and arrived at the gate of “Sans-Souci,” dusty, jovial +and eager, with a quizzical look for Lilah and a shout +for Flagg.</p> + +<p>Lilah had been painting kitchen chairs an artless +apple green. She looked up, saw a strange man staring +at her and stood, the paintbrush at arm’s length. +This, she saw at once, was to be her first social encounter.</p> + +<p>She said quickly: “Mr. Flagg is asleep. I’ll call +him!”</p> + +<p>“Don’t. Please....”</p> + +<p>She hurried indoors, angry, rather stimulated. +Flagg was lying uncomfortably on the poet’s divan. +He was not asleep and his eyes looked up at her, mischievous, +black, bright, more alive than any eyes she +had ever seen.</p> + +<p>“Some one—” she began breathlessly. “Tall, dusty +man on a bicycle—”</p> + +<p>“McNair!” Flagg shouted.</p> + +<p>He ran outside and Lilah heard their noisy greeting. +She did not quite dare to follow, but waited +for Flagg to call her. Presently he did. “Lilah! +Oh, Lilah!”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_218">[Pg 218]</span></p> + +<p>She flew to a mirror.... How pretty she was getting +to be! The color of happiness was over her, +warm, golden.... What a pity that all women +couldn’t be happy; so many of them were pinched and +gray, shadowy, unrecognized, unreal. She had never +existed until Flagg loved her, until, she corrected herself, +she had loved Flagg. She had had no other +consciousness, since coming to this place, but this.... +She went out, smiling.</p> + +<p>“Lilah,” Flagg said, “this is Gil McNair. Can you +manage tea?”</p> + +<p>Lilah gave her hand, sticky with paint, into a large, +warm clasp, and it was then she caught that quizzical +look. It was not a question, it was, rather, a brief +investigation. With an upward rush of spirits, the +challenge accepted, Lilah said: “Tea? Of course!” +But she threw into her glance what she would have +preferred to say: “Yes! Here we are. Quite irregular. +But quite charming!”</p> + +<p>She made tea on a spirit lamp because she had not +conquered the mysteries of an Italian stove and, so +far, she had been unable to lure a cook as far out of +town as the Ponte a Mensola. It was not the Florence +of before the war; Tuscan maid-servants had become +aware of their potentiality in commerce.... +The poet’s cups were eccentric; apparently <i>il the</i> had +not been popular at the “Villino Sans-Souci.” There +wasn’t any cut sugar and Lilah had to use cream from +a can. “Aren’t there any cows in Italy?” she wondered. +She could hear Flagg laughing in the arbor, +and she felt a pang of jealousy because he could laugh +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_219">[Pg 219]</span>at something she did not share. To love, she had +discovered, is to be jealous—jealous of everything, +each unconsidered, careless gesture not directly to do +with her; when Flagg slept, she was jealous of his +dreams.</p> + +<p>She was glad, hearing him laugh, that he had accepted +their situation, not as if he were making the +best of a bad bargain, but with the positively gorgeous +indifference of a man superior to his audacities. She +had not once considered right or wrong—she had +thrust aside the shadow of presentiment, had drawn +the warmth of sunlight over the dark depths of possibility. +She had rested for hours with her head +against Flagg’s breast, listening to the beating, rapid, +unstable, of his heart, his enemy, her enemy; she had +lost the reality of death in the living body....</p> + +<p>The arbor was patterned with the cool, blue shadows +of grape leaves; the sun struck through, white, hot, +and lay in flakes on the table, on the smoothly brushed +earth.</p> + +<p>The black cat had wandered in and sat on Flagg’s +knee in that peculiar, feline trance he liked because, +he said, it was so “damned superior.” He stroked the +shining black fur as he talked and Lilah, in spite of +herself, watched the caressing fingers.</p> + +<p>McNair took the tray from Lilah. His gestures +were quick, nervous. Lilah discovered that he had +done something astonishing, if not conspicuous, in the +war, what, she could not quite make out; it had to +do with “listening gear.”</p> + +<p>“He can hear celestial ragtime,” Flagg said. “He +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_220">[Pg 220]</span>‘listens in’ on the Beyond—michrophonic miracle +man.”</p> + +<p>McNair laughed. He had big, square white teeth, +like tombstones, and dusty hair worn in a bang. Lilah +wanted him to notice her. She felt that she must look +very pretty in her chintz apron, the little turban of +twisted green silk, her feet in buckled slippers.</p> + +<p>McNair accepted tea and drank it greedily, his +eyes on Flagg; their talk was experimentary, the talk +of men widely different yet gifted with an identical +passion for the world, the adventure offered by life to +eager men; they liked it well enough to want, honestly, +to better it. Words, names she had never heard, +at first baffled, then bored her. She yawned, but +Flagg was not stricken, as she had hoped he would +be, as Robert would have been, with an immediate +concern. So she moved to the bench beside him, +slipped her arm through his and let her head fall +against his shoulder.</p> + +<p>McNair, putting his tea-cup aside with a clatter, +as if he had only just become aware of her, said: +“You’re going back in October, Flagg?”</p> + +<p>Flagg answered: “No! I’m through. For a while.... +I have what every man secretly desires at one +time or another, leisure for contemplation. I’ve never +had time to think. Since the war smashed man’s favorite +image of himself, wearing the laurels of progress, +I want to sit alone with the fragments and make +of them what I can, for my own satisfaction.”</p> + +<p>“For your own satisfaction?” McNair repeated. +“You used to believe, or claimed you did, that man +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_221">[Pg 221]</span>owes his wisdom to man. You once said that you +despised ascetics and hermits.” He glanced around. +“Delightful! Your arbor! But you won’t stay +here!”</p> + +<p>Lilah interrupted: “Why?”</p> + +<p>“Ask Flagg!”</p> + +<p>Flagg said: “I claim the right to the one certain +beauty—life itself! I’ve been through the five cycles +of psychic hell. I’ve questioned until I’m sick and +tired of questioning. I’ve come to a sort of acceptance +that isn’t surrender—it’s seeing! And if I should +tell you, any one, what I see, know—I’d be damned +as a dreamer or an idiot. I see that science and religion, +both, have failed. We still suffer plague. We +still arm ourselves. We still distrust our brother.... +But we go forward. Imperceptibly, forward.... +Here, at peace, I want first to think, later, if possible, +to write. It depends on whether or not I have anything +to say.”</p> + +<p>“You won’t stay,” McNair repeated. His face was +flushed, and he said good-by abruptly, almost angrily.</p> + +<p>When he had gone, Lilah said: “Did you really +mean what you said?”</p> + +<p>“Yes.”</p> + +<p>“What did McNair think—about—us?”</p> + +<p>“I don’t know. Nothing, I dare say.”</p> + +<p>Lilah insisted: “But he must have wondered—”</p> + +<p>Flagg lifted her face and said gravely: “For God’s +sake, let’s be decent sinners! I thought we had decided +to pay our debt in the coin of the realm.”</p> + +<p>“I don’t know what you mean.”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_222">[Pg 222]</span></p> + +<p>“I mean that it doesn’t matter a tinker’s damn what +McNair or any one else thinks of us! The only +thing that matters is what we think of ourselves. If +you’re ashamed, you ought not to be here. If you’re +sorry, you’re only hurting me.”</p> + +<p>She answered: “We’re happy when we’re alone. +But when people come, we begin to blame each other.” +She kissed him, quick, light kisses. Then her head +sank again on his shoulder, and they sat there, clasped +together, staring through the arch of the arbor at +Florence, the towers, the brazen Arno climbing across +the plain toward Pisa. It was very still. A cart +went down the road beyond the wall with a tinkle +of bells. The little black cat sat on the table, licking, +her tail in a plate of cakes.</p> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> +<div class="chapter"> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_223">[Pg 223]</span></p> + + + <h2 class="nobreak" id="X"> + X + </h2> +</div> + + +<p class="dropcap"><span class="upper-case">The</span> lazy enchantment of their exile lasted +through the summer. In September, Lilah +complained to Flagg that all of New York +seemed to have moved to Florence. Whenever she +went to town she met some one she had known during +her brief appearance as Mrs. Robert Peabody. She +encountered curiosity but, from the younger generation, +at least, no hostility; she was not certain whether +this was an indication of social emancipation or due, +rather, to her own remoteness from the lives, the activities +of these people—she was, perhaps, not worth +snubbing! The older generation was unaware of +her; their standards resisted, obdurately, the pressure +of modern opinion. Lilah could dismiss them because +they were “old-fashioned.” But she resented +the casual indifference of her contemporaries; it was +selfish, even vulgar; she had, it seemed, nothing material +to offer them! She was bitterly aware that most +of them could have been hooked had she baited her +line with millions. Money, enough of it, meant pleasure, +diversion, a sop for the martyrdom of satiety. +She could have lured the fashionable world to one of +the veritable <i>ville</i> in the hills near Florence—jazz +on a Medicean terrace, swimming parties in a marble +basin by Mino da Fiesole, a liberal supply of sporting +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_224">[Pg 224]</span>Italians of the upper class.... Her scandal +would be an asset under such glamorous circumstances. +The “Villino Sans-Souci” was another story.</p> + +<p>McNair came again, bringing a young Englishman, +a pianist, a pupil of Busoni, who played on the poet’s +upright. He soothed Lilah because, without hesitation, +he fell in love with her; she called him “silly +boy,” but he was, if anything, older than Lilah; he +“adored” women, professed to have been badly treated +by them, to have thrown himself away, whereas he +was quite unscrupulous, lazy and irresponsible. He +played with facility and refused to practice because he +seemed to have been born with a technique. Tall, +heavy, he had the typical thespian’s skull, the profile +of a Shakesperian actor.</p> + +<p>He made love to Lilah whenever Flagg’s back was +turned. He played “for” her, he said. Lilah began +to believe that she was responsible for the seductive +music he somehow got from that long-toothed piano; +she saw herself in the waltzes of Kreisler, the moon-smitten +nuances of Ravel, the songs of Rachmaninoff. +And she was filled with a vague melancholy, almost a +pity for herself, inexplicable, delicious, like the forebodings +of adolescence. She would sit on the terrace +with Flagg, her hand in his, and seeing the “silly +boy’s” ardent profile swaying against the glow of the +piano-lamp, she would think tenderly of Robert, of +Junius, and of herself.... She could only relent, apparently, +when she had had her own way.... She +squeezed Flagg’s hand.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_225">[Pg 225]</span></p> + +<p>Lilah began to know the sort of people she would, +in New York, have ignored. A thin, hawk-nosed, +Pittsburgh-born American <i>contessa</i> who lived nearby +called repeatedly, bringing with her a shifting retinue +of cavalry officers; the <i>contessa</i> conducted a sort of +matrimonial agency; she had, she boasted, introduced +many “dear, sweet, rich American girls” to young +Italians of title. Lilah suspected that she lived upon +the precarious fruits of gratitude.</p> + +<p>Flagg’s reputation attracted scientists from France, +from Germany, from Rome—he was at the mercy of +men who coveted his knowledge. He was always generous, +but Lilah saw him in moods of savage contempt +and rebellion. “You waste yourself on these people,” +she said.</p> + +<p>“I know! I wish they’d leave me alone!” But +he never seemed to be able to resist them; she +would rescue him from arguments carried on in half +a dozen languages, lead him indoors and make him +lie down. He would look up at her, his face pinched, +his lips pale, and with a gesture of hopelessness, say: +“I’ll have to go back, some day, and work! I don’t +know a damn thing!” And once he added, with a +querulous bitterness: “There’s so little time.”</p> + +<p>“But you’re going to get well.”</p> + +<p>“Yes,” he said. “Perhaps. It’s a new idea.... +If I do, it will be because of you.” He smiled. “I’m +not used to you, Lilah! I find myself looking at you, +wondering who you are and how you came to be here.... +You’re not sorry, are you?”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_226">[Pg 226]</span></p> + +<p>“Not if you aren’t.”</p> + +<p>So they reassured each other.</p> + +<hr class="tb"> + +<p>Flagg was not a man who enjoyed idleness. McNair +left for Edinburgh. Save only Don Orlando, a +priest who came down from Siena occasionally to spend +an hour in the arbor, and an eccentric Florentine, a +sort of inventor-alchemist, there was no one he enjoyed. +He took to wandering away into the country, +on foot. Lilah was left to her own devices. She tried +to convince herself that she was happy. This was +what she had made for herself; she could not question +his love; her own was deeper than she had thought +possible—her feeling consumed her. But her character +was unchanged. She resisted, despised discipline; +denial made her intractable. She wanted pleasure, +excitement, admiration. There was danger in +the heartless and unstable passion of such men as the +English pianist. She hated herself because this was +so. But she told herself that had Flagg been different, +she would have been contented to sit in the arbor +at the Ponte a Mensola, secure in the possession of +love.</p> + +<p>Something instinctive in Flagg, out of reach, resisted +accepted social standards. He stood aloof from +close personal bonds, even, fundamentally, from Lilah. +He was solitary, but not morose. She never really +knew his failings or his ambitions; his confidences +were always touched with self-scorn, yet he refused +sympathy—it was as if he preferred to find his own +way. His feeling for her was identical; he realized, +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_227">[Pg 227]</span>perhaps, that sex would entangle him, hold him back +from that mysterious pursuit of his. He was not +easily stirred by her mere physical presence; she +never felt that he had gone into the adventure through +a desire for gratification. And she was flattered by +his most casual caress because she realized that he +was not demonstrative; his emotions were deep, strong +and, when aroused, ruthless.</p> + +<p>But there were moments when Lilah was baffled by +his reserve; she felt inadequate. Her own human, +reprehensible sufferings, longings and jealousies fell +back before his impartiality. He had believed in their +right to live together. The fact that she did not love +her husband, Flagg insisted, absolved her. But he +had not stopped to consider what the affair might mean +to Lilah; it was demoralizing, she decided, to ignore +the world’s opinion. If Flagg should die, she would +have no resistance.</p> + +<p>Thoughts like these threaded her consciousness; for +the most part, she was lulled by the fact of his presence. +Whenever he touched her, she sensed the immortality +of happiness.</p> + +<hr class="tb"> + +<p>Coming out of Doney’s confectionery shop one afternoon, +with a box of French pastry, she met Mrs. +Sinclair, a willowy figure in gray crêpe, with enveloping +veils, descending from an open touring-car painted +royal blue.</p> + +<p>“My precious darling.”</p> + +<p>She enfolded Lilah briefly.</p> + +<p>“I heard that you’d run off with Putnam Flagg. +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_228">[Pg 228]</span>The Wagners crossed with you. That witty Wagner +girl was too absurd—she said you’d been flagged. +Was that vulgar? How are you?”</p> + +<p>“Awfully well,” Lilah answered. She was sorry +that she had worn her most unbecoming hat and a +dress that was much too short for the mode.</p> + +<p>“Of course you came to Florence. Extraordinary, +how they all do—people who break away—irresponsible, +brave people! Sinclair and I are so desperately +conventional. We’ve been married fifteen years and +neither of us has ever cast the eye—well, not seriously! +Sinclair’s in the car. Don’t speak to him, +Lilah darling—he’d be shocked. Flagg hasn’t a cent, +has he? I don’t see, frankly, why you did it, or what +you gained. You had everything on earth you could +ask for, and New York at your feet. Sympathy is +with Robert, of course. He’s enormously popular, +and any number of women are applying.... You +aren’t divorced?”</p> + +<p>“No.”</p> + +<p>Mrs. Sinclair turned with a swirl, positively oriental, +of draperies.</p> + +<p>“Are the chocolates good here? We’re on our way +to Bologna—then on up, to Paris. They say Doucet’s +clothes are inimitable, and I’m in rags.”</p> + +<p>She went into the shop and Lilah, lifting her head, +crossed the sidewalk to the royal blue car. Behind a +pair of smoked goggles she found Sinclair’s eyes staring +at her with a sort of panic. “How do you do?” +He gasped, leaned forward, offered a limp hand. +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_229">[Pg 229]</span>“How do you do? Beastly weather, isn’t it? Where +are you stopping?”</p> + +<p>“At the Ponte a Mensola,” Lilah said sweetly.</p> + +<p>“Well, I must say, you’re looking fit.”</p> + +<p>“I am.”</p> + +<p>“What’s May doing? Tell her to hurry!”</p> + +<p>Lilah turned away. The encounter had left her +trembling. She crossed the Tornabuoni, signaled a +cab and drove all the way back to the Ponte a Mensola. +Somehow this extravagance comforted her.</p> + +<p>The ride was long and dusty. A stream of cars +and trucks, carts and trolleys, blocked the narrow road +between endless villa walls. The cabman, a disreputable +Tuscan in a frock coat and a patent-leather hat, +gurgled and hiccoughed at the horse. She could +imagine the progress of the Sinclair’s motor, climbing +the tortuous streets of sun-smitten hilltowns, rushing +across the Lombardian plain, climbing Alpine passes, +on again through France to Paris—in its wake a +servile host with well-silvered palms bent in an attitude +of obeisance to American millions. Lilah knew +how Mrs. Sinclair would spend her time in Paris—a +round of the <i>couturières</i>, perhaps in the company of +a Frenchman, a rarefied sycophant, dancer, flatterer +and debased wit who would criticize <i>mannequins</i> and +gowns, choose May Sinclair’s wardrobe and profit by +her vanity to the extent of a cruise in the Sinclair +yacht or a trip to the South of France in the Sinclair’s +private car.</p> + +<p>Lilah’s imagination, like a shutter, opened and +closed upon visions of fashionable America, the people +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_230">[Pg 230]</span>she had known and might eventually have dominated, +moving from Paris to London, from Biarritz to San +Moritz, from New York to Palm Beach. Their +houses, jewels, clothes, pleasures, were rare and exclusive +enough to permit them any latitude of behavior; +now that she was not a part of their life, +Lilah could be contemptuous. Except for chance, +she would in all probability have been in Paris, buying +the best of Doucet’s collection ... or ... no; +at the Point, waiting for her child to be born....</p> + +<p>She put her hands up to her face.</p> + +<p>Women like May Sinclair had escaped. Lilah suffered +because she had not been content to use the material +at hand—the fabric for the fashioning of her +dreams had always been just beyond reach.</p> + +<p>She decided to say nothing to Flagg of her encounter. +She went up the steep path from the gate to the +house. Flagg was leaning on the terrace wall. The +late sun gilded him, so that he was like a figure in +bronze. Lilah called: “You old pagan! I want ten +<i>lire</i>. I’ve been extravagant.”</p> + +<p>“Ten <i>lire</i>?”</p> + +<p>“To pay the cabman.”</p> + +<p>“Lilah,” Flagg said seriously, “you haven’t changed.”</p> + +<p>“But I have!”</p> + +<p>She paid the cabman and ran back to Flagg. “But +I <i>have</i> changed! I needed gloves and bought pastry +instead for your tea—black, sticky cakes with cherries +on top. Look!”</p> + +<p>Flagg looked. “Lilah, do you know, I think that +cat’s going to have kittens!”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_231">[Pg 231]</span></p> + +<p>They went to the arbor. Lilah admitted that +Flagg’s suspicions were justified; the little black cat +<i>was</i> going to have kittens. And Flagg said: “Damn! +I hate having dumb things suffer. We’ll have to make +a bed for her.”</p> + +<p>He went into the house and came back with a +clothesbasket and a blanket. “But she’s not going +to have them to-day!” Lilah cried. Flagg answered +seriously that it was just as well to be prepared. +These things upset him; birth was terrifying. “I +hope you’ll never have a child. I’d probably die. Go +mad. Knock my brains out.”</p> + +<p>Lilah stroked the cat. Her heart tightened. After +a moment she said: “I won’t have a child.”</p> + +<p>“What do you mean?”</p> + +<p>“That time when I was thrown—”</p> + +<p>Their eyes met. Something flashed across Flagg’s +eyes, a fugitive anger. “Oh. That was it. Why +didn’t you tell me?”</p> + +<p>“I couldn’t.”</p> + +<p>“You can tell me anything.”</p> + +<p>After a pause, he added: “You weren’t quite honest, +Lilah. I wouldn’t have gone to Maine if I had known +what you’ve just told me. Your husband has every +reason to believe that I’m a cad.”</p> + +<p>“Must we talk about these things? Can’t we forget +them?”</p> + +<p>He stooped again over the basket. His expression +was not guarded and Lilah cried: “If you think I +wanted to be hurt—if you think I tried deliberately—”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_232">[Pg 232]</span></p> + +<p>Flagg turned away. “We can’t forget these things. +But you’re right; we needn’t talk about them.”</p> + +<p>When he had gone, Lilah wept a little. The warm, +sinewy body of the stray cat comforted her; she held +it close, as she would never have held one of Robert’s +spaniels, letting her tears fall on the glossy fur like +drops of quicksilver. If she sat there long enough, +she knew, Flagg would come back, repentant. And +presently he came, drawn by her silence. “I’m sorry, +Lilah.”</p> + +<p>She burst out: “You’re thinking of yourself when +you ask me not to divorce Robert! I could, easily, +in Paris.” The accusation was turned adroitly against +Flagg. “Am I selfish? Isn’t it, rather, a question +of honesty? Must we go over that again?” Lilah +turned her head away. “I’m unhappy.” Flagg gazed +at her with a curious detachment, as if he were seeing +her for the first time. Presently he said deliberately: +“If divorce will make you happy, by all means go to +Paris. I don’t know what the process is, how long +you’d have to live there or whether, in the end, we +could afford the necessary expense. But you must, +at all costs, be happy.”</p> + +<p>Later in the day, still smarting under the memory +of Sinclair’s dismissal, she wrote to Junius: “I am +going to divorce Robert. Will you find out from him, +for my sake, whether he would be willing to come to +Paris and make the necessary arrangements?” She +added, with a flourish of defiance: “I am gloriously +happy.”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_233">[Pg 233]</span></p> + +<p>With the letter safely in the post, Lilah felt a return +of security. It was only a matter of time before +she could demand recognition. She dreamed of subjugating +Florence; there was opportunity for a clever, +pretty and accomplished woman to have a distinguished +“drawing-room.” She hadn’t money, but she +had everything else.</p> + +<p>With this possibility in mind she looked with new +eyes at the “Villino Sans-Souci.” The poet had furnished +it with lavish bad taste. He had had a morbid +turn of mind, and perhaps to stimulate his imagination +or in the interests of publicity had slept in a +bed built like a gondola, black, funereal, uncomfortable, +and had placed a wooden statue of Aphrodite +in a niche, a sort of shrine before which he had burned +tapers “to love and sorrow.” His drawing-room was +a museum of amorous mementoes, signed photographs +of pretty actresses—<i>Á mon cher! Tua, Maria. +Sempre, Nina</i>—abominable porcelains, first editions, +cushions and ecclesiastical velvets. His desk, where +he had probably written “<i>Belle Mani</i>,” was the largest +piece of furniture Lilah had ever seen, an affair of +ebony inlaid with mother-of-pearl, “a battleground for +literature,” Flagg said. “The whole place is like an +embalmed scandal.”</p> + +<p>The house itself was old; it had been a <i>podesta’s</i> +and bore the patina of several centuries. “I believe +we could buy it for a song,” Lilah said. She kissed +the tips of her fingers. “And I could make it into +one of the loveliest houses in Florence.”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_234">[Pg 234]</span></p> + +<p>Her desire for beauty had never got her anywhere. +Now she was restless and dissatisfied because there +were too many footstools and majolica vases in the +“Villino Sans-Souci.” A few thousand dollars—only +a few—would transform this wilderness into a setting +worthy of her ambition. She began to haunt the shops +along the Borgognissanti, where, for ridiculous prices, +she was offered the treasures of palaces; Sixteenth +Century tables, dim Venetian mirrors, flamboyant +chairs, chests, silver, brocades stiff with tarnished gold +threads, faded, “like sunlight through claret.” Her +desire for possession—she was a victim of her love +of these things—was a sort of drunkenness; she made +promises, broke them, had furniture sent to the “Villino +Sans-Souci” on approval and sent back again; +she was at once the despair and the victim of the +antiquaries.</p> + +<p>Flagg had no idea that she had in her possession +the pearls Robert had given her. They were hidden +away in a hat-box together with the emerald crown +and bracelet.</p> + +<p>One day she took them to a dealer whose shop was +on the Ponte Vecchio, an unpretentious, shadowy room +ten feet square. Across a modern counter upholstered +in black velvet, Lilah faced a man who was positively +medieval, lean, dark and clever; he had the delicate +hands of an expert, flexible wrists and pointed, sensitive, +critical fingers. The pearls, a long string, lay +coiled on a small cushion, an opalescent serpent. +Lilah had no idea how much they were worth. “I +want to sell them,” she explained. The dealer considered, +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_235">[Pg 235]</span>his hands clasped under his chin. His offer, +in lire, astonished her, but she covered her surprise +with an emphatic shake of her head.</p> + +<p>“Too little?” The dealer’s face became enigmatic. +“I recognize these pearls, Madame. They belong to +the Peabody collection. I sold them—this clasp—to +Mr. Junius Peabody, thirty years ago. I never forget +a really important purchase; sooner or later, the +most valuable pearls in the world pass through my +hands. I have, besides, a record.”</p> + +<p>Suppressing a feeling of guilt, Lilah said: “The +pearls are mine. I am Mrs. Robert Peabody.”</p> + +<p>“I see. Exactly.... I can sell the string, immediately, +to an American lady who is now in Rome. My +offer stands.”</p> + +<p>Realizing that this man was superior to the sort of +bargaining usual on the Rialto, Lilah accepted the offer. +The pearls were whisked away by a clerk. The dealer +remarked upon the weather. And the clerk, returning, +paid into Lilah’s hands the sum of seventy-five thousand +lire. She signed her name—once, twice—the +dealer bowed without a trace of animation, and she +went out again into the street, a street, a world transformed, +no longer inimical, but hers. A duck of a +world!</p> + +<hr class="tb"> + +<p>A duck of a world!</p> + +<p>With seventy-five thousand lire hidden away beneath +the tissue paper in an “Annette” hat-box, happiness +flowed back over Lilah’s spirit. Her worldly surface, +that inimitable appearance of security, reappeared. +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_236">[Pg 236]</span>Her manner became decisive, her bearing assured. She +found it possible to smoke a cigarette with her old +manner of casual indifference. She could be Russian +without an inward shiver of self-ridicule and distrust.</p> + +<p>She postponed buying what she coveted because, in +possession of seventy-five thousand lire, she could afford +to be particular. The “Villino Sans-Souci” was +inadequate. She must have one of the smaller Medicean +houses—she could imagine Mrs. Sinclair saying: “Lilah, +darling! What a delicious garden!”</p> + +<p>With the <i>contessa</i>, in a hired carriage driven by a +respectable coachman in livery, Lilah inspected the +available houses. Flagg knew nothing of these excursions. +The gates of imposing, crumbling <i>ville</i> were +thrown open and Lilah glimpsed some of the most +coveted interiors in Italy. The demoralizing simplicity +and perfection of these rooms—spacious, exquisite +in proportion, frescoed—went to her head. She +found herself living in imagination in a setting contrived +by the most cunning artists of Lorenzo’s day for +a corrupt and fastidious court. Terraces of stone worn +smooth, grass-grown, crumbling; basins reflecting the +complicated foliage of live oaks; cypress alleys and +balustrades, the warm, ochre walls of Tuscan palaces, +unbroken, without ornamentation, sharp against the +dazzling purple of the sky....</p> + +<p>The <i>contessa</i> was garrulous; her enthusiasm, her +bad and fluent Italian embarrassed Lilah. She was +greedy, over-inquisitive. And with a sort of officious +generosity she wanted to establish Lilah at once in a +<i>villa</i> at Montughi. “But, <i>cara mia</i>, it’s perfect! I +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_237">[Pg 237]</span>don’t see what you expect. You’d better snap it up +at once or some American vulgarian will lease it.”</p> + +<p>It was easy to imagine herself established, with +Flagg, in that ingenuous, expensive little palace. The +seventy-five thousand <i>lire</i>, her treasure horde, were an +open sesame to the most extravagant dreams.</p> + +<p>But she did not dare to confide in Flagg; something +warned her that he would not approve, understand, +forgive.</p> + +<p>The December rains drenched Florence. Valambrosa +was powdered with snow. The Arno, amber, +swollen, poured through the city, covered the mud +flats, became all at once a veritable river.</p> + +<p>Flagg was driven indoors. He began, tentatively, +to write. The effort exhausted him. He would wrestle +with his enemy, breathless, contemptuous, until he +collapsed.</p> + +<p>And suddenly, for no reason, out of her security, the +idea came and persisted that her happiness was threatened.</p> + +<p>Flagg was ill again.</p> + +<p>Lilah never knew the precise moment when she was +first aware that he might not be going to live. His +eyes were frightened most of the time, although he +kept on smiling at her. Noises irritated him. He +wanted silence. He would sit at his desk, writing, into +the night, obstinate. And when she spoke to him, he +would shake his head and ask her to go away. There +was something he wanted to do, to finish, before he +called quits. It was absurd to say that he couldn’t +work. He could.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_238">[Pg 238]</span></p> + +<p>On fine days he sat in the arbor, holding the cat +and smiling a queer, fixed smile that terrified Lilah. +When it rained, he moved indoors and sat, bent, in an +attitude which was belligerent and pathetic, at his +desk—that “battle-ground of literature” inlaid with +mother-of-pearl.</p> + +<p>At night he would come into her room and lie with +his face pressed against her shoulder, like a child that +is afraid of what he might see in the dark.</p> + +<p>When she questioned him, he was perfectly still.</p> + +<p>And now, she knew, she loved him more than anything +in the world.</p> + +<hr class="tb"> + +<p>Love, complete love, came because she knew she +could not have it. Flagg was going to die. She +had let herself off from feeling, because there was +always time to give way to an emotion that would be +so great that something of herself would have to perish. +Now, because there was so little time, she surrendered +to it. She could not dodge facts any more; she must +face them and make of her life what she could with +what she had. Her nature was terrible to her because +she was in the grip of a genuine passion; she wanted +to make herself over in time to conquer Flagg’s reticence, +to have him for herself. She had been selfish. +She had taken whatever she wanted, without caring. +But she had cared.... It hadn’t been easy to give up +everything and come to Flagg. She wasn’t superior, +as Flagg was superior, to humiliation.</p> + +<p>But now she saw what she had come for.</p> + +<p>She saw herself, little, defeated, having to start all +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_239">[Pg 239]</span>over again. She was humble, frightened. She saw +that she could have nothing without earning it. And +this revelation was like an unendurable light beating +against her consciousness. There was no escape. Because +the future held no happiness, the present was +terrible, since it contained the essence of the thing she +would go on wanting all the rest of her life. It was so +precious, so elusive, so beautiful, and so inevitable.</p> + +<p>She could not bear to watch Flagg’s suffering. She +sent for a physician who came out from Florence and +was alone with Flagg for two hours. Lilah waited, +her heart fluttering as if she, not Flagg, were going to +die.</p> + +<p>When the two men finally opened the door and +came out, Flagg was still smiling, but it was not that +fixed, self-conscious smile Lilah had come to fear. +He seemed relieved. The physician nodded casually +to Lilah and drove away again, in a rickety cab, toward +the city. Lilah thought: “He can’t be a great specialist +and come in a <i>carozza</i>. I won’t believe anything....”</p> + +<p>Flagg said: “It’s all right, Lilah. I’m sorry you +worried. I’ve got a chance. Only I’ll have to stop +writing.”</p> + +<p>Lilah thought: “He’s not telling me the truth. He’s +going to die and he’s glad of it.”</p> + +<p>After that she felt that everything was against her, +even Flagg’s will to die. If he had really loved her, +he would have wanted to live.</p> + +<p>She heard from Junius Peabody toward the end of +December. The familiar, heavily embossed stationery +post-marked Peabody’s Point bore her name and the +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_240">[Pg 240]</span>frivolous address: “Villino Sans-Souci” in Junius’ +spidery hand. Lilah tore the envelope open with a +feeling of impending crisis.</p> + +<p>She read:</p> + +<blockquote> +<p> + “<span class="smcap">Dear Lilah</span>: +</p> + +<p style="text-indent: 1em;">“Your letter, the first from you in over six months, contained +no news of yourself. I wanted to know whether or +not you had made a success of your experiment. Society +has never been charitable to women who take happiness +they are not entitled to. A few celebrated women of +genius have escaped criticism because their contribution +was superior to their ‘transgression.’ I am not preaching +to you. In this day and generation there are no fixed +standards of behavior. I am only complaining because +there is something shoddy, to me, offensive, in a woman +of your quality ‘taking’ life in a rented villa—one of that +pathetic band of outlaws who play at respectability in the +smaller cities of Europe. I admit my part in the affair. +But I somehow had faith that you would send that fellow +packing when you were well enough to recognize his peculiar +selfishness. I cannot resist begging you to consider seriously +returning with Robert. He will, as you request, +meet you in Paris on the first day of January. I am enclosing +the name and address of his lawyer there. I will +see that your position, in America, is secured.”</p> +</blockquote> + +<p>He signed himself, characteristically: “Junius.”</p> + +<p>Lilah thought angrily: “Hypocrite! He wants me +there, because I amuse him.”</p> + +<p>His own indiscretions had been made palatable, +sugar-coated with secrecy. She was happier than he +had ever been in his selfish enjoyment of women who +had had to leave him because he was respectable. He +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_241">[Pg 241]</span>had spared Minnie’s Victorian sensibilities by carrying +on an elaborate, an “artistic” deception....</p> + +<p>“I despise men,” Lilah said aloud.</p> + +<p>Flagg glanced up. “Why?”</p> + +<p>“Read this!”</p> + +<p>She tossed Junius’ letter across the breakfast table.</p> + +<p>Flagg’s expression was both contemptuous and embarrassed. +When he spoke, his voice was unsteady. +“It seems that your husband is, after all, going to let +himself be divorced.”</p> + +<p>The question of money came up immediately. Lilah +couldn’t go to Paris because there wasn’t enough +money. They had spent their month’s allowance already +and the January draft, which wouldn’t come +until the tenth of the month, would have to be used +to settle the December bills. “I could wire for a +few hundred. I’ve never told you. This money is +mine during my life-time. It comes from an estate +held in trust for my younger brother who’s out in +India. When I die, it goes to him. I could borrow +on the future, but I don’t want to. I never have.”</p> + +<p>“But I’ve got to go. Think, darling, what it means! +Surely, you aren’t jealous of Robert—now.”</p> + +<p>“No.”</p> + +<p>“I’ll have to see him. But it will be formal, embarrassing. +The lawyer will explain things. And before +you know it, I’ll be free.”</p> + +<p>Flagg turned to Junius’ letter. “I’m not sure. I +hardly think it will be as simple as that. They’ll urge +you to go back. They’ll put up all sorts of arguments. +They’ll make it hard for you. I’d prefer that +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_242">[Pg 242]</span>you didn’t go.... Later, will be time enough.”</p> + +<p>He got up and came around the table, touching her +hair, a caress that always stirred her to the heart, it +was so unconsidered and gentle, the caress of a friend; +it made her precious to herself. But now, in her +eagerness, she drew away.</p> + +<p>“I must go! I want to marry you! Then, you can +return to America, to the work you like. Or we can +live here—properly. Be the sort of people you despise, +upright, tipping-over-backward people! But +we can always laugh at ourselves. We needn’t lose our +sense of humor simply because we happen to be respectable....”</p> + +<p>She paused, scared by his look, aware of her failure, +but sustained by a conviction that she was misunderstood.</p> + +<p>Flagg reminded her again that there was no money. +“Only a few <i>lire</i>, unless I cable for more.”</p> + +<p>Lilah cried: “But I have some money! Lots of it. +I meant to tell you. I sold my pearls.” She laughed: +“Like the lady in the melodrama....”</p> + +<p>“I didn’t know you had any pearls.”</p> + +<p>“They weren’t becoming,” she said carelessly. “I +prefer jade, or ivory—”</p> + +<p>“Were they valuable?”</p> + +<p>“I got seventy-five thousand <i>lire</i>.”</p> + +<p>“Good God.”</p> + +<p>Flagg turned abruptly and went to the window. +He stood there looking out into a downpour of rain, +at Florence, sodden and drenched.</p> + +<p>“The pearls were mine,” Lilah remarked. She felt +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_243">[Pg 243]</span>herself growing angry. She felt that she would lose +her temper if he pressed her; say things she would +regret. The old self wasn’t conquered. She despised +criticism. She wanted to be thought right.</p> + +<p>Flagg turned. His face was dark again, but his +feeling had driven the look of fear out of his eyes. +He had forgotten himself. “You left the Peabody’s +under circumstances that required the most absolute +honesty. You should have come to me with the clothes +you stood in. I forgave you the eight trunks full of +finery—after all, your husband had no use for it, and +you, apparently, did. It doesn’t matter, to you, who +pays for the things you want, or whether you are +giving value received. To me, it does matter.... +What we did might have been splendid. It isn’t! I’m +as ashamed as you are. Because of these damned, +petty things—this letter, for instance! And what +you’ve just told me. The stinking ugliness of desire +and compromise....”</p> + +<p>He got control of himself with a wrenching effort. +“You’d better go to Paris. I’d rather compromise +than be ashamed.”</p> + +<hr class="tb"> + +<p>Flagg went out and did not come back. She +watched him hurry down the path to the gate, bending +his head against a downpour of rain. She said +bitterly: “You shouldn’t have spoken to me like that.” +But he couldn’t hear, of course—the window was +closed, and the rain beat against the ground with a +harsh, rhythmic clatter, the noisy rain of southern +countries.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_244">[Pg 244]</span></p> + +<p>Flagg disappeared up the road to Vincigliata, into +the forest of young cypress trees.</p> + +<p>Lilah thought: “I ought to feel more than I do.”</p> + +<p>What had happened was too important for concrete, +recognizable feelings. She couldn’t grasp it all at +once. She was numb with misery. She went about +the house doing unimportant things with great seriousness, +an exaggerated attention. She put a book-shelf +in order and cleaned Flagg’s study. The dust flew +out of the window as she would have liked to shake +out her thoughts, scatter them, get rid of them.</p> + +<p>At ten o’clock the casual servant who came in from +a near-by farm appeared under a <i>contadino’s</i> green +umbrella, like a big, wet lettuce-leaf on legs.... +Lilah was explicit, much more so than usual. She set +the table herself, humming, “as if nothing had happened,” +she reminded herself. She had the feeling +that if she ignored what had happened it couldn’t be +serious. But everything she touched seemed to be +impermanent; knives and forks and plates had a sort +of unreality.</p> + +<p>She went upstairs, frightened by the dread that +clutched at her throat. But she must put off remembering. +She would count the money—try to understand +what Flagg had meant about her selling the +pearls.</p> + +<p>She counted the bills, laid them in little piles, was +relieved by their ordinary appearance. Surely Flagg +hadn’t stopped loving her because of these little green +notes.... She put them away, confident that she +could make him understand as soon as he came in.... +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_245">[Pg 245]</span>It was absurd for a man and woman in love +with each other to quarrel over something petty....</p> + +<p>But she mustn’t think of that.</p> + +<p>Flagg did not come in for lunch. The sky was +leaden, yellow, and the rain came down in solid sheets. +She couldn’t bear to be alone in the house. That wet +lettuce leaf stumbled down the hill. There was no +one but Aphrodite in her niche, a painted goddess with +gilded ringlets and heavy lids, the smile of a courtesan, +the little hands of a child.... No wonder the poet +had turned to warfare for sensation. Things. Things. +Things. And nothing got you anywhere. First, you +thought it was this and then that. And nothing satisfied +the you that was personal and aching. Not even +love. For then things like this happened....</p> + +<p>She thought: “I’ll go out. I’ll feel better if I go +out.”</p> + +<p>She splashed down the road and stood, holding her +umbrella against the rain, waiting for a tram.</p> + +<p>Twenty-five centesimi. Cheaper than a cab.... +She sat with the dripping umbrella pressed against her +knees and stared at the people. An old man. His +trousers were baggy at the knee and the skin of his +hands was like brown corduroy. A young girl with +bold, unwavering eyes stared back at Lilah; there was +an imitation diamond ring on the first finger of one +plump, red hand.</p> + +<p>The city closed around the street; great, drenched +walls thrust up, cornices leaned over; people surged +along the narrow sidewalks under a tossing and writhing +of umbrellas; priests, fascisti with curled forelocks +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_246">[Pg 246]</span>like young game-cocks, like frizzed savages ... +girls....</p> + +<p>Here and there a shop-window was lighted.</p> + +<p>Lilah walked through the square and across to the +Tornabuoni.</p> + +<p>She went into a hairdresser’s establishment. A +warm, sickish odor, perfumed, assailed her. She explained +to a pale woman in pearl earrings and clinging +black satin that she wanted a “wave.” Madame could +be accommodated because, on a rainy day, there were +many cancelations. Right here.... In this booth. +<i>Subito!</i></p> + +<p>A small, blackish man removed Lilah’s hat. Her +hair fell down on her shoulders and she thought with a +stab of pain, acute, physical, of Flagg’s fingers, caressing, +caressing....</p> + +<p>The marcel irons twirled. Did Madame want +pompadour or straight back? It was becoming fashionable +to clip the hair at the nape of the neck, close, +like a boy’s.... It would be very becoming to +Madame.</p> + +<p>Did this man love? Every one did, sooner or later. +Why was it that the world wasn’t smitten with madness; +would she ever be sane again.... She fingered +the bottles on the dressing-table. Brilliantine. Rouge. +Skin tonic. Pomade. <i>Mettre cette poudre avec la +houppe, s’essuyer avec un linge....</i></p> + +<p>Sooner or later, she would have to question not only +her reflection, that face, unchanged by dread and bewilderment, +but Lilah, the woman. It wasn’t possible +longer to avoid that encounter. She, herself, had +failed.... <i>Not yet!</i></p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_247">[Pg 247]</span></p> + +<p>“Madame has pretty hair. In French, we say +<i>cendrè</i>—the colour of ashes.”</p> + +<hr class="tb"> + +<p>She found the English pianist in the drawing-room +when she got back to the “Villino Sans-Souci.”</p> + +<p>“Hallo! I thought you’d give me tea. Beastly day. +Where’s Flagg?”</p> + +<p>“He’s not here,” she said coldly. Suddenly she +wanted to hurt Flagg. “I don’t know where he is.”</p> + +<p>The Englishman’s eyes grew round. He made a +sound like a whistle. “I <i>see</i>! You’ve quarreled.”</p> + +<p>“Yes.”</p> + +<p>Let him know it. It didn’t matter. Flagg was trying +to frighten her.... She took off her hat and sank +down on the divan. “I don’t want to talk. I want +you to play for me. Something strange, ugly. I see +now why modern art is out of balance and discordant +and crooked—the world is sick at its soul. When +you’re sick at your soul you don’t want beauty. You +want something clever and horrible, like the evil in +yourself.”</p> + +<p>The Englishman’s eyes, always flickering, as if there +were little flames in them, blazed up. His lips parted. +He was like a smooth, too fat faun smoking a cigarette. +His eyes appraised her. And, for a terrible +reason, Lilah was glad that she was beautiful. She +tipped her head back so that he could see her throat.</p> + +<p>This man understood women; he pitied them and +desired them; but they never loved him unless they +had lost love; he had never known, never would know, +the best of love, because he expected the worst of it.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_248">[Pg 248]</span></p> + +<p>Suddenly he jumped up and went to the piano. “I’ll +play you the Saint-Sebastien; I know your real mood +is religious, not evil at all! A woman of your experience +buries each amour with a <i>Te Deum</i>.”</p> + +<p>Lilah wanted to tell him that she had had no experience, +but she knew that he wouldn’t believe her. +Her life with Robert, with Flagg, had never really +changed her; she hadn’t loved Robert, and Flagg +hadn’t loved her; when people spoke of experience +she supposed they meant that dedication of self which +is spontaneous, mutual, irrevocable....</p> + +<p>“Stop! I can’t bear that sort of music.”</p> + +<p>He spun around, seized another cigarette. “Then +we’ll talk. I’ll cheer you up. Poor, lonely, adorable +Lilah.” He sat, too close, on the divan. “What on +earth possessed you to fall in love with a man whose +mind is fixed on the primeval atom?”</p> + +<p>Lilah shrugged her shoulders. It was easy to say: +“I don’t know! Why do we?”</p> + +<p>“You ran off, didn’t you? Cut loose? I’ve heard +rumors—I beg your pardon, but things get about a +small place like this. Infernal curious, most people. +They like to eat a pretty woman up; crunch her bones. +Now, if you were ugly as mud and fat and forty, they’d +call you ‘emancipated.’ Waving the banner of personal +freedom and all that sort of thing.... They’d +make you out a martyr to unholy matrimony, meaning +matrimony which is no go. But since you’re young +and lovely—very lovely—they’re tearing you to bits +down there.”</p> + +<p>“Are they?”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_249">[Pg 249]</span></p> + +<p>“I’m no end sorry for you. Really.” His eyes said +more. “Doing all this for a man who doesn’t appreciate—well, +you—” his eyes said. But he was too clever, +too wary, to put the thought into words.</p> + +<p>A bitterness surged up in Lilah’s heart. Six o’clock. +And Flagg hadn’t come in. He might have taken a +train to Rome. She saw him in Rome walking up a +street in the rain, wearing that fixed smile, alone. Or +Milan. Another picture. Only this time, she saw him +sitting in a hotel bed-room in his shirt-sleeves.... +He might have died, up there in the cypress grove. +He might, even now, be lying on the soaked ground, +his face pressed into the sodden leaves.</p> + +<p>She got up. “I think you’d better go,” she said. +“I want to be alone. If you don’t mind.”</p> + +<p>The Englishman rose. She was too miserable to +sense the danger. He stayed, looking down at her. +And then he caught her shoulders, pressed her against +him and kissed her. She could feel the softness of +his body. She shivered, gasped and pushed him away. +She hated him.</p> + +<p>“Abominable!” she said.</p> + +<p>“Oh, very well.”</p> + +<p>With a gesture of contempt, as if it really mattered +very little, he got his hat and went out, slamming the +door.</p> + +<hr class="tb"> + +<p>She went upstairs, followed by the black cat and +the only one of the kittens they had saved. It, too, +was black, with eyes like jewels and an incredibly +thin, flexible tail. The cats did not seem to know or +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_250">[Pg 250]</span>to care whether Lilah suffered, and she wanted them +to know; she said: “You little brutes! Don’t frisk! +I can’t bear it!” But they frisked on the gondola-bed, +over it and under it, scratching and leaping, as if nothing +had happened.</p> + +<p>Lilah undressed. Then, in a warm negligée, banded +with fur, her hair under a sort of gypsy cap made of +purple chiffon, she went into Flagg’s room and peered +at his things, his brushes, his coats, on hangers, his +handkerchiefs, in neat piles. She touched everything, +sensing his dear person.... She would wait until +eight o’clock, and then, if he hadn’t returned, she +would go out, alone, and look for him in those dark +woods.</p> + +<p>Eight o’clock came, but she didn’t dare to go out. +She got into bed, instead, and lay in the dark, listening +to the rain. She was terribly afraid. Life was +inimical again, and she had lost faith in herself, in her +ability to be pert and to win success with the misty +quality of her loveliness. Accepted things, long-established +ideas, convictions, had failed. There was nothing +to go on.... She began, reluctantly, almost with +terror, to look herself straight in the face. She saw +an image of herself, silly, vain, rushing in pursuit of +unimportant things. Always things! And where +had they gotten her?</p> + +<p>A motor, turning into the Vincigliata road, cast a +swinging light through the windows, across the walls, +across Aphrodite, imponderable and secretive in her +niche....</p> + +<p>Flagg!</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_251">[Pg 251]</span></p> + +<p>Her heart stopped.</p> + +<p>They might have come to tell her....</p> + +<p>No. The downstairs door opened, closed again, and +she heard his footsteps, coming, coming....</p> + +<p>She thought: “He’s been cruel. I ought to punish +him.” But she called him.</p> + +<p>She saw him in the doorway and summoned her +half-glimpsed self with a passionate and peremptory +cry. Flagg hesitated, a dim figure, silent, remote. Then +he moved forward and, quivering, her nerves unsteady, +she felt him leaning down over her. She could not see +his face. She could smell the cloth of his coat, wet.... +And with a sudden lifting of her arms, she dragged +him down to her. He had to kneel. His face pressed +into her throat. Again she felt his hair, the shape of +his head. He was warm and alive; he was all of life. +How could she have doubted, questioned, hesitated, +when this, this was the answer to everything—to be +near him.</p> + +<p>“I thought you’d never come. I wanted to tell you +that I’ll give the money to Robert, all of it. I understand.”</p> + +<p>Flagg said nothing. He sighed. His body relaxed. +He pressed his face closer against her. His arms went +around her.... Lilah could feel the two cats frisking +over her feet, and she thought: “They know. I’m +happy. I’m happy.”</p> + +<p>They clasped each other, for the first time, with +that love which is pity and forgiving and ecstasy.</p> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> +<div class="chapter"> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_252">[Pg 252]</span></p> + + + <h2 class="nobreak" id="XI"> + XI + </h2> +</div> + + +<p class="dropcap"><span class="upper-case">Lilah</span> went to Paris.</p> + +<p>In a compartment on the Rome-Lausanne express, +she sat with her chin in her hand, staring +out of the window at the slow unrolling of the landscape, +fields, towns, mountains, fields, towns and +mountains. But she was conscious of being stared at +from the corridor, and it was pleasant, even exciting, +to attract attention, after six months of life in the +country.</p> + +<p>Flagg had not been well, but he had reassured her: +“I’m all right. Only hurry back. I’m going to miss +you.”</p> + +<p>How strained and white his face had been when, +at the station in Florence, he had followed the moving +train for a way, looking up at her with a curious, +unreadable expression.</p> + +<p>She thought: “He’ll be all right. I mustn’t worry.”</p> + +<p>And the further the train was from Florence—Bologna, +Milan, Brigue—the more certain she became +that Flagg was quite well. She could see him walking +up the Vincigliata hill, whistling, swinging along with +the gait of a man who had no enemy. She was comforted +by this vision. The more she thought about +it the more she believed in it. And the memory of his +face at the train in Florence faded, was at length +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_253">[Pg 253]</span>forgotten, since she preferred not to remember. Later, +she promised herself, she would remember.</p> + +<p>But now. Paris.</p> + +<p>Again she was at that crowded, noisy gateway to +Paris, that sordid, ringing, clashing place full of people +with bundles, porters with luggage, soldiers, nuns, +tourists, a mad jumble of dingy, dusty, worried-looking, +crumpled people all going somewhere and in a +terrible hurry. Florence, everything to do with her +life there, seemed unreal. How could she have let +herself suffer so? How stupid of her! It was a mistake, +dangerous, to concentrate oneself too much; it +would do her good, do Flagg good, to break the thread +of their intimacy; both of them had been overanxious +to prove their right to each other. After all, who knew +or cared whether they succeeded? Lilah hurried +through the crowd, refreshed, as if bathed in that cool, +manifold impersonality.</p> + +<p>She leaned forward in the taxi, staring at Paris, +searching for some indication of recent wounds. +None. None! The streets, shining in a thin, cold +drizzle; a swirl of umbrellas; lights and kiosks; vistas +converging; and that air of brittle gayety, that something +precise, insouciant, perverse—the same! Lilah +tapped on the window. “I’ve changed my mind. The +Ritz.” For two days! Why not? But now she could +laugh at herself. She knew that she was ridiculous; a +<i>pension</i> would have done just as well! Only that she +longed for warmth and color, the pageant, not without +meaning, of the worldlings. This would be her +last bow before the curtain. And that precarious few +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_254">[Pg 254]</span>hundred dollars cabled to Flagg after an interval of +doubt, of suspense ... her last fling at luxury. +Make-believe.... At least, Robert wouldn’t think +that she had come down in the world! She could +confront him clothed in the accepted garments of his +kind, on common ground.... She would wire Flagg +at once: “Ritz. Paris. Love. Lilah.”</p> + +<hr class="tb"> + +<p>When she saw Robert crossing the lobby of the Ritz +with that vague, amiable, short-sighted manner, she +was not surprised. This was the sort of thing that +was bound to have happened, what, perhaps, she had +hoped would happen.</p> + +<p>“Lilah! Well, I’ll be damned!”</p> + +<p>They confronted each other. Robert flushed. He +laughed, offered his hand, remembered, and said miserably: +“I suppose this is shocking. I’m awfully +sorry.” But his question, immediate, with an accent +of surprise, irritated her: “You’re staying here?”</p> + +<p>“Yes,” she snapped. “Are you?”</p> + +<p>“I’m at the Meurice. I’m dining here with the Gaylords, +but I can shift ’em, if you say. That lawyer +needn’t know, and I want to talk to you.” He added: +“I need to talk to you, Lilah.”</p> + +<p>Lilah considered. “I’ve only just come. I haven’t +unpacked. I’m fearfully dusty.”</p> + +<p>“I’ll wait.”</p> + +<p>Something reminiscent twisted Robert’s face into a +sort of grimace. “Oh, Lord, Lilah—Here we are! +There’s no precedent—What am I supposed to +say?”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_255">[Pg 255]</span></p> + +<p>And, out of the past, Lilah flung back at him: +“Something honest! I’ll dine with you, of course.”</p> + +<p>An admiring look came into Robert’s eyes. “Here, +then, in an hour,” he said simply. “I’ll wait.”</p> + +<hr class="tb"> + +<p>Lilah was prompt. She found Robert, characteristically, +exactly where she had left him. She thought, +before he caught sight of her: “This is my husband.” +And she gave him a quick, appraising look, trying to +realize what he had been. She failed. He was some +one she hadn’t known.... He turned, and in the +meeting of their eyes there was an immediate recognition, +a searching, reproachful, profoundly intimate +encounter. Both of them trembled and pity ran +through them. Lilah felt as if she could not, under +any circumstances, speak to him.</p> + +<p>“Let’s go where we’ll be alone,” he said. “I know +a place across the river—decent food, French—we +won’t see any one we know.” He flushed again. “Oh, +my lord—don’t misunderstand me. I’m not ashamed! +Only I hate advertising my emotions.”</p> + +<p>In the taxi, drawn away from him, huddled in her +furs, Lilah shivered. Life had never seemed more of +a picture-puzzle; all the pieces lay about her, and she +could not put them together again. The piece that +was missing, the necessary piece—Freedom. It was +the answer to everything. If she could find the meaning +of freedom.... Every one to-day, old and young, +cried out for freedom, to put their scattered picture-puzzle +together with, to make it whole and reasonable +and recognizable, something to enjoy. Every one +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_256">[Pg 256]</span>searching, picking up now this, now that, expedient +and finding that nothing fitted, nothing matched.... +Freedom for oneself had been the cry of the generation. +But was there such a thing? Weren’t people, +lives, inextricably woven together, so that one experience +involved another, one giving another, one selfishness +another? She could never be free again because +of this man at her side.</p> + +<p>She stole a look at his face. There was something +pathetic in his expression, as if, he too, were groping +for the missing fragment, baffled by the confusion of +ideas and morals; pitying her, loving her, despising +her, yet, in spite of himself, understanding her.</p> + +<p>They were afraid to say anything; afraid and miserable.</p> + +<p>The restaurant, Robert’s choice of a place where +they’d not see any one, was half-way down a short, +dark street. He had engaged a private room; before +a coal fire burning in a shallow grate a table had been +set for two. The room was small, of the eighteenth +century, faded, crackled and mellow. And an old +waiter in an enveloping apron took Lilah’s cloak with +that paternal gesture which is the gift of inspired +waiters, waiters of a certain persuasion, a genius, a +<i>flair</i>. His exit was discreet, but promising, and when +he returned, with <i>bisque</i> of crayfish, he offered it as an +artist turns a canvas from the wall: “<i>Voila!</i>”</p> + +<p>Robert’s glance was beseeching. You couldn’t disappoint +such a fellow as this waiter; he expected them +to be jolly! Lilah felt this, too. A room so exquisite. +The festive air imparted by the <i>bisque</i>, steaming in +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_257">[Pg 257]</span>real Sèvres bowls. Her gown, the last of the trousseau, +a slip of metal cloth, girdled with flat emerald stones +set in silver.... Suddenly, she felt smooth, like the +<i>bisque</i>, exclusive and desirable. The walls of the little +room seemed to shut her away from confusion in +a world made secure by the tradition of elegance, by +the permanence of all rare and lovely things. She felt +again the conviction that she belonged peculiarly in +this world; it was stimulating, just for an hour or two, +to pretend that she had never left it. It was stimulating, +also, to discover that Robert could still look +at her as if he found her the most mysterious and delightful +woman in the world. Perhaps he wanted her +back, at any cost—She looked at him with that half-smile +which means: “Do you forgive me?” But she +waited for him to speak, to commit himself, because +there was always the memory of Grace Fuller, in a +gray dress and a clever hat....</p> + +<p>“Lilah,” he said suddenly. He stopped, as if appalled +by his audacity. He stretched out his hand and +she took it. They clasped hands solemnly, with scared +looks. And the waiter, lowering his eyes, whisked the +crayfish away and disappeared behind a silk screen +decorated in the Fragonard manner.</p> + +<p>“Lilah,” Robert began again. He couldn’t go on. +He squeezed her hand, held fast to it as if he would +never let it go. “Isn’t this a nice place? Chew told +me about it. The <i>filet</i> of sole’s famous—better’n +Marguery.... Lilah....”</p> + +<p>Lilah wanted to laugh. She shook her head, instead, +and tears came into her eyes; it was easy to cry nowadays. +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_258">[Pg 258]</span>She wiped them away with the tips of her +fingers. Then Robert said the one thing he should not +have said: “It was all my fault, Lilah.”</p> + +<p>The waiter came in again, bearing a silver platter +with a great dome of a cover. “<i>Filet Esterhazy</i>,” he +announced. He looked as if he had presented them +with an heir.</p> + +<p>Robert said: “Ah!” He loved good food. Lilah +remembered how she had grown to wince inwardly +whenever he leaned forward at the table with that +look of dedication and rapture, that sort of hovering, +like a gull over a floating morsel. She remembered +the way he had of flapping his elbows, as if he were +skimming down, close, to snatch the tid-bit; only, he +never snatched; he ate slowly, with the peculiar relish, +the rapt appreciation of the gourmet. “<i>Bon!</i>” he said +in a loud voice. “<i>Tres bon!</i>”</p> + +<p>“<i>Merci, m’sieur!</i>”</p> + +<p>“You’ll want wine, of course, Lilah—champagne; +what d’you say to champagne?”</p> + +<p>Lilah thought: “Just this once.” She nodded. In +Florence they had red wine, thin and sour, if they +had wine at all, wine that puckered her mouth, the +strong, sharp wine of Dionysius. But this—a pale +amber bubble, an eternal spring of levity and carelessness, +of love and daring, of wit and dreaming.... +She lifted the glass and a little light danced on her +bare arm, leaped to the table-cloth, frisked and quivered, +a drunken little light....</p> + +<p>“I remember....” Robert began. He stopped.</p> + +<p>The waiter hurried away, as if he were saying: “One +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_259">[Pg 259]</span>moment! One little moment! I’ll leave you alone as +soon as I can.”</p> + +<p>A perverse notion caused Lilah to say: “How is dear +old Grace?”</p> + +<p>She could see the slow, inevitable flush, self-conscious, +painful, the sudden mistiness of his eyes. +Elaborately careless, he said: “She’s awfully well.”</p> + +<p>“Where is she?”</p> + +<p>“Now?”</p> + +<p>Robert drained his glass, set it down again. “At +the Point.”</p> + +<p>“Your grandfather isn’t ill?”</p> + +<p>“No.”</p> + +<p>Lilah thought: “I see. He’s going to marry her.” +And she felt a tightness around her heart.</p> + +<p>“Grace is awfully fond of you, Lilah.”</p> + +<p>“Is she?” Lilah smiled. “Are you going to marry +her?”</p> + +<p>“Damn it all,” Robert cried. He pushed his plate +away with a violent gesture. “No!”</p> + +<p>“Meaning you are,” Lilah said sweetly. “Meaning, +it’s none of my business. But it is! After all, +I’m your wife, my dear.”</p> + +<p>“Don’t be too modern, Lilah.” But in spite of himself, +he smiled. Lilah couldn’t be sure. She smiled +back at him while the waiter filled her glass again.... +They were all three playing a game. What if they +should speak what was in their minds? The waiter +would probably say: “It’s late. I’m tired. I want to +be at home with my family, reading the newspaper by +the lamp, with my tired feet in slippers.” Robert +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_260">[Pg 260]</span>would probably say: “I want you, and I want Grace, +too. I don’t respect you. I love you and I want my +freedom.” And she would say: “I love Flagg. But +I’m afraid.” Because, it was true, she was afraid; +she was at the mercy of her fear. She could not remember +the wonderful self she had been a week ago, +three days ago; it seemed far away, unreal, the self +that had loved Flagg, that had promised to give seventy-five +thousand lire to Robert, the self that had +feared nothing, nothing. That self had fluttered away +out of this warm, bright room, away from her body +into the darkness outside and there it was waiting, +mournful and alone, for Lilah. Which was Lilah? +This, or that other?</p> + +<p>“<i>Salade, madame.</i>”</p> + +<p>A plate. A deep bowl. A wooden spoon. Lettuce. +String beans, very green. How did the French do it? +And a dressing flavored faintly with garlic.</p> + +<p>“I’m going into my grandfather’s business,” Robert +said. He mixed the salad thoroughly, tossing and stirring +it, his face intent. “Seriously. I had to do something. +I found that sitting in the shade wasn’t +enough; I had to plant some trees of my own. You +remember what Dave Harum said about a dog and his +fleas....” He paused to stare at the salad. Then +he said suddenly: “It was a good thing you left me. +Good for me, I mean.”</p> + +<p>“Oh.”</p> + +<p>“I was counting on you to make something of me. +It’s a damn sight more fun to make something of myself. +A rum world, Lilah. We’re put here for some +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_261">[Pg 261]</span>reason. I didn’t used to think so. Now I know! I’m +not inquiring the reason. It’s enough to be sure that +the lessons we learn aren’t wasted.”</p> + +<p>“<i>Fromage, madame?</i>”</p> + +<p>Lilah looked at the creamy pie-shaped wedge of +Camembert.... Robert was reminding her that she +had failed. “<i>Oui</i>,” she said to the waiter. She must +not let him sense her humiliation. She must make him +see that she, too, was triumphant. And the image of +Flagg, walking by the train as it pulled out of the station, +assailed her. She said: “Mmm! Good cheese! +Try it. Delicious.”</p> + +<p>“I prefer American cheese. They make a cheese +in California—I’ve forgotten what they call it—a rich +orange color, finely flavored....”</p> + +<p>“Then you’re glad I left?”</p> + +<p>He looked up. His eyes were startled. “No. I +loved you.”</p> + +<p>“Don’t you love me now?”</p> + +<p>The waiter disappeared at the word love. The verb +<i>aimer</i> ... <i>to love, I love, you love</i> ... these people +were <i>amants</i>, after all.</p> + +<p>Robert got up. He came around the table. Lilah +said nothing, did nothing to stop him. He came +slowly, but his intention was in his deliberate gesture. +And Lilah thought: “This is my worst self.” A wave +of pity engulfed her; she closed her eyes. She +wanted, wanted everything Robert could offer her; +her mind flew back to the “Villino Sans-Souci”; she +did not see herself in Flagg’s arms, submerged in that +deep rapture; she saw herself, alone. She waited.... +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_262">[Pg 262]</span>But Robert did not touch her. With a feeling +of faintness, she opened her eyes again. Robert was +standing just there, his napkin in his hand, as if he +had been frozen. “You didn’t mean that, Lilah.”</p> + +<p>“Sit down! The waiter—”</p> + +<p>The waiter appeared, very sorry, with downcast +eyes, just as Robert hurriedly regained his place. This +time, the talented one bore a silver tray full of pastries, +fat chocolate ones and long, snaky green ones +and twisted ones full of cream, and pink ones upon +which a devilish clever pastry-cook had painted +flowers and bow-knots of sugar.</p> + +<p>“You haven’t told me about your grandfather,” +Lilah said, in her special voice, eyeing the pastries as +if she hated them. “The green one—that one—please.”</p> + +<p>“<i>Oui, madame.</i>”</p> + +<p>Robert answered that Junius was well. “Wonderful +old chap! You can’t imagine how gratified he is +that I’ve taken hold. He’d about given me up.”</p> + +<p>“I suppose Grace Fuller’s responsible?”</p> + +<p>Robert flushed again. He said nothing. Lilah +smiled and stretched out her hand. “Cigarette, please. +And don’t frown like that! Why shouldn’t you marry +Grace Fuller if you want to? That’s why you’ve +come to Paris, isn’t it? For her sake. Not for mine! +One of the last things you said was that you’d never +divorce me....”</p> + +<p>“Lilah....”</p> + +<p>At last the waiter was gone. They were alone in +the room.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_263">[Pg 263]</span></p> + +<p>Lilah put the cigarette between her lips and tilted +her head: “Light, please.” And while Robert struck +the match she watched him, her eyes enigmatic. A +quiver passed over his face. His hand trembled. +“Lilah. Don’t.”</p> + +<p>“Don’t what?”</p> + +<p>“You’re trying to get at me. God knows why.” +He tossed the match away. “After all, we have things +to say that aren’t easy to say. It’s all very well to +pretend that what we’re doing to-night is usual—it’s +wrong, terrible, and I’m sorry we tried it. We’re +married. That’s my ring, isn’t it? You left another +man to come here with me and make believe before a +waiter that we’re friends. Friends! Let’s be honest. +We’ve failed at a great undertaking. We ought to be +down on our knees praying for a chance to make +good! I’ll take my half of the blame. Neither of +us tried. I loved you. I still love you. I thought I +didn’t. I told Grace Fuller that I didn’t. But she’d +be the first to welcome us, if we were to go back together.”</p> + +<p>He paused, his hands, with the fingers interlocked, +pressed violently together. “There’s such a thing as +moral insensibility.... You’ve had your fling. +What has it proven?”</p> + +<p>Before she could answer he went on: “What does +that sort of thing prove to any one? No one will +profit by our separation, not even Grace, because I +love you, and she’ll know it.”</p> + +<p>“Happiness—”</p> + +<p>“A chimera of childhood! I’d like to blot the word +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_264">[Pg 264]</span>out of the language. You were after something for +yourself—something ready-made, something you +didn’t have to work for. What you had—me— Well—I +want you to come back. Try again.”</p> + +<p>“Did Grace Fuller know that you intended to invite +me, after what has happened, to go back where I +will always be on suffrance—an object of suspicion, +perhaps of amusement?”</p> + +<p>“I don’t understand,” Robert said impatiently, +“why you harp on Grace Fuller. The issue is between +you and me.”</p> + +<p>“But if you promised her—”</p> + +<p>“I sometimes wonder whether you have forgotten +that you are married to me—you behave as if you considered +the whole thing an episode, both of us absolved—I +haven’t promised anything.”</p> + +<p>Lilah got up. There was a divan near the fire, upholstered +in shabby yellow sateen. Lilah’s cloak lay +across the end, Robert’s overcoat, his muffler and +gloves beside it. She thought: “How domesticated. +Like Robert’s imagination. How can I make him +understand when I don’t understand myself? She +felt suddenly tired. The bubble of gayety had burst, +was gone. She had a passing, a poignant regret at the +inevitable bursting of all such pretty bubbles....</p> + +<p>“If I fail with you,” Robert was saying, “the whole +past has been wasted. You can’t erase marriage by +simply running away from it. Or, like the magician, +by exchanging one marriage for another ... a sort +of social legerdemain ... dangerous, because I believe +once married always married.... I may be +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_265">[Pg 265]</span>old-fashioned. I dare say I am making myself ridiculous.... +These things go deeper than words. If I +could make you see what I’ve seen....”</p> + +<p>Lilah wanted to say: “But I don’t love you.” She +didn’t dare say it because there was something she +wanted to hold to, a thread, a fragile link between +herself and security. She recognized the ugly need of +security; her own weakness made it imperative that +she should hold Robert off until her own future was +certain, until she had found the strength to admit that +other self or to close that self out forever. A little +time. If life only didn’t press you so....</p> + +<p>Robert followed; he, too, seemed to press close, +although he stood some distance away, his hands still +tightly pressed together in a curious attitude of supplication +and misery. “You’re afraid of public opinion.... +At the Point, you have nothing to fear. We can +prove, by the dignity”—he hesitated—“the decency +of our lives that there is such a thing as courage. Both +of us will need it, but not because of criticism; we +were both born into a reckless society. You can’t tell +black from white, nowadays! And yet—we’re like +ships without rudders, drifting, drifting in the open +sea, all pretending that we’re getting somewhere. We +call it revolt; we call it breaking chains; we call it by +a dozen high-sounding names, ‘reality’ among them. +But none of us is satisfied.” He suddenly pointed at +her and raised his voice. “You’re not!”</p> + +<p>“I am,” she said. “I have love.”</p> + +<p>Robert turned away. His face was drawn. He +looked old. He went back to the table and poured out +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_266">[Pg 266]</span>another glass of champagne. The rattle of ice in the +bucket, the clink of glass against glass, summoned the +waiter who re-appeared, blinking, as if he had dozed +off behind the screen. “<i>M’sieur?</i>” At once he began +to clear the table, his sleepy look giving way to a half-smile, +as if he were thinking of the embrace he had +probably interrupted. But he wanted to go home. +It was ten o’clock and his feet were tired.</p> + +<p>“Let’s go somewhere,” Robert said angrily. “We +can’t talk here. And I’ve got to convince you—”</p> + +<p>He did not glance at the bill but paid it with the +indifference to other people’s honesty which characterized +him.</p> + +<p>“I have convictions,” he said in the cab. “I’m not +the flaccid fish I appear to be. There was a time +when I approved of men, and women, too, smashing +down every door that kept them from experience. It +was exciting to watch the new generation kicking convention +in the face. It cleared things up, for a while. +I foresaw a new race of straight thinkers, purged of +fear. What you did didn’t shock me. It seemed +necessary—”</p> + +<p>He turned to her, trying to read her face in the uneven +flow of light. “Where’ll we go? We can’t ride +around Paris all night.”</p> + +<p>“Let’s dance,” she said.</p> + +<p>“Dance?”</p> + +<p>After a hesitation, a silence she could not read, he +rapped on the window and ordered the driver to take +them to a club in the Bois. Lilah thought: “This will +give me time.”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_267">[Pg 267]</span></p> + +<p>At the club, a smart restaurant given over to a jazz +orchestra and a dancing floor, food had taken second +place. Lilah was stimulated by the rush of waiters, +the whirl of dancers, the cascading crystal chandeliers, +the monotonous and passionate rhythm of the music. +Florence, the “Villino Sans-Souci” were part of a +dream. She had dreamed of the melancholy weeks of +rain, the somber, suggestive call of birds in the cypress +groves. This was being awake. Her body came alive. +She felt herself swaying to the provocative melody as +Robert frowned at a card. “What’ll you have, Lilah?” +“Anything!” While he ordered, she let her cloak slip +away from her bare shoulders; instinctively, she fell +into the attitude of fashionable unconcern. “Anything.” +The rite of dining was lost in the need to +dance. People came here to indulge their senses in +the barbaric measures of a simple people unknown to +them; the negroes, perspiring, hysterical, carried beyond +themselves by their success, swayed, jerked, +stamped, shouted. Their leader, holding a violin at +arm’s length, played a melody; the voice of the instrument, +thin, sweet and penetrating, rose above the +relentless tom-toming of the drums, the frantic unceasing +blare of horns, an accompaniment soulless and +exciting.... In a pool of light, revolving, the dancers +seemed beyond themselves. Other dancers, revolving, +moved in the mirrors, silent, remote, like a company +of ghosts....</p> + +<p>Robert said politely: “Will you?”</p> + +<p>They rose. He clasped her with a sort of shiver, +almost a reluctance, and they were caught by the tide, +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_268">[Pg 268]</span>whirled and buffeted. Lilah’s face was pressed against +Robert’s shoulder. He noticed again the faint and +seductive odor of sandalwood; he sensed the peculiar +flexibility of her body—she had always seemed to be +both fragile and powerful. He saw her eyes, wide +with excitement, lifted to his face, scrutinizing him—did +she love or hate him, or was she only trying to +decide whether she could, after all, live with him +again? “Wonderful music.” Robert’s clasp tightened. +And he felt a deep pity, for her, for himself, +for all these foolish, fatuous, bewildered people twirling +around a polished floor in each other’s arms. “Yes, +wonderful,” he said.</p> + +<hr class="tb"> + +<p>At their table again, confronted by a chafing dish in +which chicken and cream and mushrooms bubbled +energetically, Robert remarked that he hadn’t any +appetite. But Lilah had. “I haven’t been anywhere; +I haven’t seen any one, or done anything, for six +months.... I’m really enjoying myself. Am I +wicked?” And she held out her plate. “I’m starved. +Wolfish! What’s that they’re playing? We never +hear anything in Italy except Neapolitan love +songs and the ‘Merry Widow’ waltz. Jazz ... +after all ... it’s my native music. It goes to my +head.... You dance better than you used to, Robert....”</p> + +<p>She glanced up. Her expression changed; a look of +panic flashed across her eyes. “People I know—”</p> + +<p>A flurry of women, slim, bare-armed, in the simple +gowns of the period.... Aureoles of hair, short, +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_269">[Pg 269]</span>frizzed.... Make-up.... The fashionable drawl +of the young New Yorker....</p> + +<p>“Lilah! Robert! Of all the cool ones! Honeymooning +in Paris.... What’s the plot? We thought +you two had parted forever! Lilah, where’s the villain? +Did you park him in Florence? What a lovely +dress.... Poiret?”</p> + +<p>Chairs were brought. Three amiable and vivacious +Frenchmen were presented to Lilah, to Robert. Bare +shoulders, long white arms, manicured finger tips, a +medley of perfumes, cigarette smoke.... “Have you +been to—” “Have you seen—?” Talk crossed talk. +Lilah, on her guard, but eager, eager, as if she were +again drinking champagne, tasting the little golden +bubbles of gayety. Poor Lilah! Robert pitied her and +understood her; but more than ever he wanted her, +because he divined, beneath the fixed and purposeful +animation of her face, her profound confusion.</p> + +<p>The music began again after a pause no longer than +a heart beat, and Lilah whirled away in the arms of +one of the Frenchmen. Robert rose politely and +claimed the girl at his right, a slim, arrogant young +thing with sharp shoulder-blades and shingled hair; +she had the misty, brushed-in eyes of an Oriental, the +lips of an odalisque. “You don’t remember me, do +you? I’m Marian Forsythe—I live near the inlet; we +can see your house on clear days. I know your grandfather. +Wonderful music, isn’t it? I’m over here +with the Careys. Isn’t Paris awful in winter? We’re +going to Algiers next week. I like to run away from +things, don’t you? I get bored so easily.” She twisted +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_270">[Pg 270]</span>a little in his arms. He felt her hand, sharp, nervous, +against his shoulder. “I must say I think Lilah’s a +sport. She tried it out, anyway. I suppose she liked +you best, after all. If more people were sensible about +such things....”</p> + +<p>Robert interrupted sharply: “You don’t know anything +about it.”</p> + +<p>He had an hysterical desire to shake her. If men +didn’t protect girls like this against their own ignorance, +the world would be better off. “I’m getting to +be a damned reactionary,” he thought. “It may be +progress, it may be transition—whatever it is, I’m out +of it.”</p> + +<p>He was too angry to dance, but Marian Forsythe +was inexhaustible. “Don’t be a grouch,” she advised +him sweetly. “Lilah’s perfectly happy with Captain +Romain. Let’s waltz.”</p> + +<hr class="tb"> + +<p>It was past three o’clock when he succeeded in getting +Lilah away. The little group waited beneath the +glass and bronze porte-cochère of the restaurant while +a carriage-man in a white rubber overcoat pursued +taxicabs, shrieking upon a tin whistle, vanishing and +reappearing like an energetic ghost. A thin drizzle +fell aslant the somber shadows of massed chestnut +trees, tiny, broken splinters, glass-like, shivering out +of a black sky. The women huddled in their wraps, +their faces covered, their feet, in delicate slippers, exposed +to the rain, to the sharp wind that whipped +their floating chiffons about their ankles. The men +were still fresh. Only Robert was tired, tired and +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_271">[Pg 271]</span>childishly disappointed. Everything—Lilah’s eight +months away from him, his rage, his love, his idealism, +all of it was stupid, futile, because of these people and +their casual worldliness; as if suffering and loneliness +and pride and longing were inconsiderable, as if nothing +were real but the things he had grown to despise. +How on earth could he make it clear to her that there +could be no satisfaction for either of them until they +had discharged their duty.... And, suddenly, he +was too tired to try....</p> + +<p>That ghost of a carriage-man came panting back +with a taxicab, and Robert selfishly took it for himself +and Lilah. The others would have to wait. He +hated them.... Lilah leaned against him. “I’ve +had such a good time, Bobsie. I didn’t realize how +starved I’ve been.”</p> + +<p>“You forget—you haven’t told me anything about +yourself.”</p> + +<p>“Must I? Now? It’s so late.” She yawned. “I’m +so sleepy!”</p> + +<p>Away down the boulevard, like a pale new moon, +Robert saw the Arc du Triomphe. An irrelevant +thought came to him. Even heroism was futile. Great +gestures. Wasted. That soldier, unknown, who was +buried there, wouldn’t he have been better off in his +orchard, his shop, his palace? But this had nothing +to do with Lilah, with himself. He pulled himself together. +“What do you want me to do? I’ve got to +know.”</p> + +<p>“Can’t we talk to-morrow?”</p> + +<p>“One thing I promise: If you decide to come back, +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_272">[Pg 272]</span>I’ll never question you. I’m not magnanimous. I +realize that you would hate me if I made you feel that +I had forgiven you.... We’ll consider the past eight +months erased.”</p> + +<p>“Not erased! Mine!”</p> + +<p>“As you please.”</p> + +<p>They sat very stiffly, scarcely breathing, not looking +at each other.</p> + +<hr class="tb"> + +<p>“Telegram for you, madam.”</p> + +<p>“For me?”</p> + +<p>Lilah took the thin envelope. Yes. “Mrs. Robert +Peabody.” She got into the elevator. Two men and +a woman stood there, laughing, while the car soared +up—one, two, three—<i>Troisième</i>!</p> + +<p>“Madame.”</p> + +<p>She did not open the telegram until she had lighted +the light by the bed and had thrown aside her wrap. +She kept assuring herself that Flagg had answered her +wire. Some such message as: “All well.” Or: “I +miss you.”</p> + +<blockquote> +<p style="text-indent: 1em;">“Advise your immediate return. Major Flagg seriously +ill.</p> + +<p class="right"> + “<span class="smcap">Bacci.</span>” +</p> +</blockquote> + +<p>Bacci! Who on earth was Bacci? Her heart contracted, +expanded again. The doctor. That man who +had come out to the Ponte a Mensola in a hired cab.... +She sat down, trembling. Her hands shook so +that the thin paper envelope rattled.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_273">[Pg 273]</span></p> + +<p>“Seriously ill.”</p> + +<p>Dying. “Immediate return.”</p> + +<p>She thought: “While I was dancing.”</p> + +<p>She began to undress. She tore the fragile tissue +because she hated it. She wanted to destroy the fact, +to blot out the visible evidence, strip naked. She heard +herself sobbing.... A curious, unfamiliar sound, as +if some one else were sobbing in another room. Her +eyes were dry. She took her hair down and placed +the pins in a neat pile. She must start at once; she +must get to him. “Because,” she said aloud to her +reflection, “I love him.” Now, she knew, Flagg +wouldn’t believe her. If she got there; if she was in +time—something about her would show him that she +had forgotten, that she had betrayed herself, and he +would say: “I never believed.” And he would go +away, without her. That seemed the most terrible +possibility of all—that at the end his eyes might shut +her out....</p> + +<p>She glanced at her watch, wound it carefully. “I’ll +bathe, dress. By that time it will be daylight and I +can make arrangements.”</p> + +<p>But when she was dressed, her veil adjusted, everything +packed, it was still dark. She threw the window +wide open and leaned on the sill, conscious of a cool +current of air, a dampness rising from the wet pavements. +A single pedestrian down there crossed the +street at an angle, wavering, as if uncertain of a destination, +and she thought: “I am like that.” The +night is so intimate. She was alone with the night. +Paris seemed a little place, all the lives gathered under +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_274">[Pg 274]</span>that roof of darkness, all the lives helpless, pathetic +in sleep, their defenses down. “I am alone.” Not +since her father died had she been so alone. And she +was afraid, afraid of death, of what she might be +going to see, of the way that doctor would look at her, +of Flagg, struggling with his enemy, alone. Every +one was alone. Alone and afraid. She felt suddenly +that she could not go to Florence. She would tear +up the telegram, pretend she hadn’t heard, and they +would wire her that it was over, Flagg was dead....</p> + +<hr class="tb"> + +<p>But even then the sky seemed to deepen, to become +more dense, blacker. And a shaft of light sprang to +the apex, opened, like a fan. Dawn.</p> + +<p>Immediately there was a stir in the city. A stir of +sparrows in the eaves. A stir of little, skulking people +in the alleys. A stir of smoke from innumerable +chimneys.</p> + +<p>Lilah got to her feet. She was shivering. Because +she saw that if she kept Robert off, prevaricated, perhaps +promised him that she would return, there would +be a way back, out of that other darkness, later....</p> + +<p>But Flagg was in Florence, alone. She saw him, +lying on his right side, with his arm under his head, +struggling silently, not saying a word—as if he and +his heart crashed together, like two dark, insane men +on horses, tilting, splintering against each other, again +and again.</p> + +<p>She ought to go to Flagg, because she loved him. +Why had God made her afraid of ugliness? Flagg +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_275">[Pg 275]</span>was ugly because he was suffering. If she could only +be spared! If only she didn’t have to go!</p> + +<p>She went to the telephone. “What time is it?”</p> + +<p>She had meant to ask about trains. “<i>Cinq heures +et demie, madame.</i>”</p> + +<p>She put the instrument down again and sat on the +bed, rocking back and forth with her arms folded, as +if she were trying to put her thoughts to sleep. The +room was still dark. The windows were gray. A +hum rose from the streets, a silvery clink of chains +along the wet asphalt.... She was envious of any +one going anywhere.... Only not to be herself.</p> + +<p>For an instant she was in Florence; she could smell +the damp plastered walls of the house; the odor of +wet stone and moss and verbena from the garden; +Flagg’s pipe. A pang of memory. Herself, dragging +Flagg down to her. The feel of his hair, furry, cool.</p> + +<p>“I love him so!” she said again, aloud.</p> + +<p>But to be poor. To be back where she had started, +only weaker. A woman who couldn’t do anything, a +fool, a pretty fool.</p> + +<p>If Flagg died, he would never know that she had +promised Robert....</p> + +<p>Then why not lie?</p> + +<p>Because she couldn’t.</p> + +<p>She was afraid of life itself. She wanted to hide +behind pretenses, behind beauty, behind her own charm, +behind what Robert offered her. But she would have +to go to Florence and watch Flagg die. Something new +and wonderful was being born in her—that other self +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_276">[Pg 276]</span>was thrusting up, like a plant, like the beginnings of a +great tree, through the frightened Lilah that crouched +on the bed.</p> + +<p>There was no use in going back to the Point, to the +warmth of that fireside, because she had never believed +in it; it had never, from the beginning, been +hers.</p> + +<p>The only thing that had ever happened to her that +belonged wholly to her was that moment in the dark +when Flagg had sighed against her breast and the cats +had frisked over her feet. That moment was hers. +She had made it. She had created it out of pain +and longing and honesty.</p> + +<p>It was time that she stopped pretending.</p> + +<hr class="tb"> + +<p>She wrote hurriedly to Robert:</p> + +<blockquote> +<p> + “<span class="smcap">My dear Robert</span>: +</p> + +<p style="text-indent: 1em;">“Thank you. But I must go back to Florence. You +have been very kind. Later, if you want a divorce, I will +do everything to help you. I am leaving your grandmother’s +emerald crown, the bracelet and some money in +the care of the hotel management, with the understanding +that you will call for them and identify yourself. The +money I got for the pearls. I was foolish and wrong. But +I can’t buy them back for you. I’m sorry.</p> + +<p class="right"> + “<span class="smcap">Lilah.</span>” +</p> +</blockquote> + +<p>She addressed the envelope and sealed it. She felt +very small and unimportant, burned out, dry; she +must look, at last, definitely old. She went to the +telephone again, and, this time, she asked about trains.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_277">[Pg 277]</span></p> + +<p>The compartment was crowded. People kept popping +in and out, asking questions, shouting, losing +their heads, kissing noisily. “<i>Au ’voir! Au ’voir +maman!” “Mignon!</i>” “Here’s your bag. And the +fruit. I’ll put them here.” “Take care of yourself.” +Anxious faces, detached, drifting along the platform, +looking in or looking ahead, eagerly, as if everything +counted on their getting somewhere. Here was life +again—so terribly important and silly! Lilah sat by +the window, her veil thrown back, staring out. She +half expected to see Robert, pale, distraught, determined, +searching for her in the crowd. “Here you +are!” And it would be taken out of her hands. He +would make her turn back; he would make her see +that what she had intended to do was wrong. Robert +didn’t come. An Englishman in a trench coat +with shabby shoes searched and searched for some +one. His eyes were like a dog’s and his pinched, +brown face was puckered with longing. At last he +saw whoever it was. “<i>There you are! Hallo! Just +in time!</i>” And he leaped into one of the compartments +with a bound.... Life was such fun for the +living, for those who believed in it....</p> + +<p>The train was moving. A telegraph boy rushed +past, shouting: “<i>Madame de Lattre!</i>” But no one +paid any attention to him. The Englishman leaped +down again, his face very red, his eyes afire, and +snatched off his hat. “<i>Good-by! Good-by!</i>” Steam. +A flood of sunlight. Darkness again.</p> + +<p>“Would madame object?”</p> + +<p>And the little Frenchman in the corner of the compartment +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_278">[Pg 278]</span>got up, stepped politely but firmly over every +body and closed the window.</p> + +<hr class="tb"> + +<p>It was raining when the train drew into the Santa +Maria Novella Station at Florence. Dusk was shutting +down, blotting out the towers, as if snuffing lighted +candles; one by one they disappeared. Lilah had been +closed in a compartment with four soldiers, noisy, +self-conscious <i>bersaglieri</i> who had angled for her attention +all the way down from Bologna. She had +sat like a stone, with her eyes lowered. One of the +soldiers had kept looking at himself in a little mirror; +he combed his hair with a small, steel comb and +smoothed his eyebrows. He wanted her to admire +him. Whenever he said anything, his black, polished +eyes rolled in her direction....</p> + +<p>The train seemed to disgorge its passengers; it was +like a long, spiney dragon vomiting people. People +spilled from the open doors, mingled on the platform, +crashed together—and through it all porters bawled +“<i>facchino</i>!” One of them snatched at Lilah’s bag, +her coat, her umbrella, angrily, with determination, +and rushed toward the cab-stand, shoving his way +through the crowd. Lilah cried, “Don’t hurry!” But +he paid no attention, because, if he hurried, he knew +he could get other customers and more pennies. A +row of cabbies had backed into the square; they +snapped their whips and shrieked at Lilah as she hurried +after the implacable porter through the rain. +Everyone was conspiring to get her to the Ponte a +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_279">[Pg 279]</span>Mensola ... if only there hadn’t been any cabs, a +delay, somehow....</p> + +<p>She tipped the angry porter and the cab jerked +forward, bouncing over the cobbles, bouncing, bouncing. +The cabman’s umbrella dripped on Lilah’s feet. +Had it been raining for five days? The rain frightened +her; it was sullen and unkind, a purposeful torment. +Puddles bubbled, the sidewalks were covered +with tiny silver explosions and the great eaves poured +out amber floods that gurgled in the gutters. And +now it was dark.</p> + +<p>“Seriously ill.”</p> + +<p>Was Bacci with him? Who was with him? What +should she do? She asked herself suddenly and +sharply what she should do if she found him dying? +And at the thought, she wanted the cabman to say +that he couldn’t go on. She wanted some one to keep +her from what she must see and do. But the cab +jolted forward, turning corners recklessly, clattering +over car-tracks, rolling smoothly, unexpectedly, on +stretches of asphalt. Lilah stared out at the people +and the lights, at faces caught and fixed in a brief +immobility. She tried not to remember what was +so precious and terrible. Yet her thoughts were unconquerable, +rapacious; they fastened on her consciousness, +and at last she sank back, defeated.</p> + +<p>Love.</p> + +<p>The word challenged her. She struck it away. She +beat it back. It seemed to her that from the beginning +she had been a prisoner, a woman too conscious +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_280">[Pg 280]</span>of herself, tormented by herself, fascinated by herself, +like that coxcomb of a <i>bersagliere</i>. If she could +escape from herself, she might find what she craved, +the freedom she must have or—But when you needed +to know these things, you were too selfish, too happy to +know them! When you were happy, the debt piled +up and you were asked to pay it when you no longer +cared.</p> + +<p>The rain, incessant, indifferent, slanted out of a +black sky.... A tram, brilliantly lighted, passed +with a rumble, and Lilah glimpsed a row of people, +unconscious of her, laughing and talking. A baby +pressed its nose against the window spangled with +big, white drops, like quicksilver, and the baby’s +nose was flattened, pressed out of shape ... the tram +passed, and Lilah was alone again in the darkness of +the cab. She began to listen, attentively, to the clop +of the horse’s hoofs on the wet pavement, as if, absorbed +in that rhythmic, hollow sound, time would +stretch out, and she would never, never arrive at her +destination....</p> + +<hr class="tb"> + +<p>The cab lurched. They were on the dirt road, +turning across the bridge, beginning the sharp climb +... a light in the window!</p> + +<p>“Hurry!” she cried out.</p> + +<p>She stood in the rain, her hands shaking, to pay +the cab man. He swung himself down, grunting. It +was a long drive out from the city on such a night, +and his horse was tired.... He struck a match +and scrutinized the coins Lilah gave him. What on +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_281">[Pg 281]</span>earth was one supposed to tip; he looked disgusted—she +gave him an extra five lire and he thanked her, +as if he had been cheated and taken advantage of +by a foreigner. “Good-night.”</p> + +<p>Lilah opened the gate and stumbled up the path +between the cypresses. The great pointed trees, so +old, so quiet, so superior to the brief and unimportant +tragedies of men, shook down a heavy splattering +of rain....</p> + +<p>The door opened. A strange silhouette against the +light....</p> + +<p>“I have been expecting you.”</p> + +<p>“Can I see him?”</p> + +<p>“Yes.”</p> + +<p>She searched this man’s face. Behind glasses, his +eyes were curious and tender. “I’ll take off my things. +I’m wet and cold.” He seemed to be bowing, standing +aside to let her pass. She went upstairs and the doctor +followed, quietly, as if there were no hurry. No +hurry at all. This struck her as ominous. But she +did not dare to ask how Flagg was. Something prevented +her from questioning the doctor, from, even, +looking at him. At the top of the stairs she paused, +stricken with fear. “Which—which room?”</p> + +<p>He pointed. “In there.”</p> + +<p>In his own room! She turned to her door, opened +it, went in and faced her mirror. It seemed necessary +to remove her hat, to go in to Flagg hatless....</p> + +<p>She powdered, rouged, touched her lips with a perfumed +stick of carmine paste.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_282">[Pg 282]</span></p> + +<p>In the hall, the doctor was waiting, his hands in +his pockets.</p> + +<p>“<i>Signora</i>,” he began.</p> + +<p>Lilah threw out her hands. “No. Don’t tell me. +I can’t bear any more. I want to see him.”</p> + +<p>She pushed him aside and went in.</p> + +<p>How tall he was. She had forgotten, in five days, +how tall he was. His head, dark, round, rumpled, +was deep in the pillow. Some one had put a newspaper +over the light.</p> + +<p>For no reason, with a rush of feeling, she was proud +to be coming back to him. It was all right. She +was safe. She had been decent. She had done what +he expected of her. Now, perhaps, he would let her +into his eyes....</p> + +<p>She tiptoed. She stood over him.... Asleep.</p> + +<p>She touched his hand.</p> + +<p>He was mischievous in sleep, a satyr again, smiling....</p> + +<p>“Signora.”</p> + +<p>Suddenly she turned and ran back, away from the +bed. Her legs moved strangely; her arms jerked. +“I can’t bear it.” Yet he was beautiful, beautiful +in death....</p> + +<p>“He died an hour ago, <i>Signora</i>. I am terribly sorry. +I did everything—possible.”</p> + +<p>Through a burst of tears, uncontrollable, humiliating, +an agony of tears, Lilah cried: “I’ll go back to-morrow +and look at him.... Not now! Don’t ask +me to, now! Is he dead?”</p> + +<p>The doctor nodded. “An hour ago,” he repeated.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_283">[Pg 283]</span></p> + +<p>Lilah went downstairs. The doctor had been sitting +in Flagg’s chair by the desk and a cigarette still +burned in an ash-tray. He had been reading some +of those scattered sheets of manuscript, Flagg’s last +work. Now he stooped and gathered them up, without +self-consciousness or apology. “A remarkable +mind,” he said.</p> + +<p>Lilah huddled in a corner of the divan, dabbing +at her eyes with a handkerchief. She shivered. Her +teeth knocked together. Yet behind the atrocious confusion +of her thoughts she was grateful that she had +not arrived two hours sooner. Another idea fought +to the surface, seemed to explode in her brain, to +shatter her—she was alone. She had lost love.... +And she saw herself, night after night, endless, identical +nights, lying in her bed, her body rigid beneath +the bed-covers. She had so little to remember and +so much time to remember in—her experience reduced +itself to that one victorious moment when Flagg had +loved her without question—and there was no comfort +in remembering....</p> + +<p>“I cannot offer my sympathy,” the doctor was saying, +“in the usual terms. I understand so well what it +means to find oneself alone, the physical self cheated +of the comforting reality, the spiritual self unaccustomed.... +Later, a week, a month, a year, it will +be more difficult for you. Then, suddenly, you will +find relief—in work, new interests, another love.”</p> + +<p>“Don’t!”</p> + +<p>He spread out his hands. “Inevitable! This man +has gone. But you remain. You must progress. Your +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_284">[Pg 284]</span>education, if you will permit me to say so, is not +complete. His, I dare say, was....”</p> + +<p>He put the typewritten pages back on the desk. +“Tell me about him.”</p> + +<p>He leaned forward, offering a curious, leather cigarette +case. “You smoke?”</p> + +<p>“Yes.”</p> + +<p>She saw his hand as he held the match for her, +a hand at once sensitive and acquisitive; there was a +large ring on one of the fingers, and Lilah thought: +“How Italian!”</p> + +<p>“You’re shivering. Give me your hands. Steady +now! You mustn’t let go, <i>signora</i>. It’s devilish hard +to pull oneself back.”</p> + +<p>“You speak English very well.”</p> + +<p>“My mother was English. But I was born in Persia +and educated in Germany. Ah. Your pulse is better. +Breath. Deep. Deeper! That’s it. Now, +smoke? Later, I’ll get some coffee for you. I let +the servant go. But I have made myself very much at +home here.... I used to know your poet. Before +his exile, he was an extravagant host. A charming, innocent +fellow who enjoys his evil reputation. He is, +actually, religious, but he is ashamed of his inclination +and attempts to deceive us with abominable clap-trap.... +You’re all right. All right.”</p> + +<p>“You’ll stay here to-night?”</p> + +<p>“Of course.”</p> + +<p>“It is very kind of you. I can’t help shivering. +Something in me is whirring—like a wheel—”</p> + +<p>She had to try, at least. She was ashamed to shake +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_285">[Pg 285]</span>and chatter before this stranger. He drew up a chair +and sat before her, with his elbows on his knees. Then, +for the first time, she looked at him. He was short +and had ginger-colored hair and a ginger-colored beard +streaked with gray. His face was lean; the skin +was dry and tight, drawn over the bones so that you +saw the structure, the modeling, extraordinarily precise +and fine. His eyes were the color of moss agates, +small, brilliant and inquisitive.</p> + +<p>“I think I can sleep,” she said abruptly.</p> + +<p>Her lids were heavy. She stopped trembling and +yawned. Her head fell back against the cushions. +She felt the doctor’s eyes, appraising her, but she +could not meet the attack. Nothing was left of her +audacity. This drowsiness was like a drug. And +little by little consciousness of what had happened +slipped away. She would start, gasp, reach out for +that certainty, only to have it evade her, to have it +submerged in great waves of sleep.... She struggled +to recall what it was that needed remembering, +what it was that was gone.... Nothing remained +but the face of the doctor, thrust forward, still and +absorbed. Suddenly it was jerked away and she +sank down, down, into sleep ... for hours.</p> + +<hr class="tb"> + +<p>She woke again. It was dark. The windows +showed, black squares, save one, where the lamp was +reflected, seeming to burn steadily and brightly both +within the house and without. The doctor had not +moved. “How long have I slept?”</p> + +<p>“About three minutes.”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_286">[Pg 286]</span></p> + +<p>“Oh.”</p> + +<p>Then she remembered. Flagg was gone. She would +never again feel his arm beneath her head, the tightening +of the muscles in his shoulder, the weight of his +sleeping body against hers.</p> + +<p>She sat up. And instantly the doctor got to his feet. +“I’ll make coffee. Wait. Don’t move.”</p> + +<p>He was gone. What a strange man. What did +he think of her? Whom did he imagine her to be? +Would he question her? What would happen, now?</p> + +<p>She went to a mirror and stared at herself, surprised +to discover that she was the identical Lilah; +again, she sensed a peculiar, penetrating delight in +the witty outlines of her nose....</p> + +<p>Strange, that in moments of tremendous meaning, +meaningless things demanded attention. She was +more aware of the things in the room—chairs, tables, +ornaments—than of the body upstairs. The chairs +were somehow strange and terrible at that hour—they +were like listening people, spying people, ready +to say in sharp, unnatural voices that it was late—turn +out the lights ... let us sleep, let us dream +in the shadows, our dark, mysterious dreams....</p> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> +<div class="chapter"> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_287">[Pg 287]</span></p> + + + <h2 class="nobreak" id="XII"> + XII + </h2> +</div> + + +<p class="dropcap"><span class="upper-case">The</span> days that followed were too crowded to +hurt very much. A procession of strangers +came to the “Villino Sans-Souci”; Lilah was +questioned, with respect, with pity, with impudence, +with disdain. She discovered that she knew nothing +of Flagg’s family, his affairs. Cables were dispatched +to his bank and, after a delay, a dry, unemotional +and explicit reply was received, not by Lilah, but by +the Florentine bank which had handled the small +matter of Flagg’s account. Lilah was visited by an +Anglo-Italian who wore a white Imperial in the flamboyant +manner of Maximilian and who gesticulated +with small, self-conscious hands in black kid gloves. +She was, he informed her, to leave Flagg in Italy, +since there was no one to receive him in America.</p> + +<p>“Then I am not to be consulted?” she demanded +with a smile that should have humiliated him.</p> + +<p>He shrugged his shoulders. “Those were our instructions, +<i>signora</i>.” He rose and bowed, his eyes +veiling their curiosity, his attitude a discreet expression +of admiration. “We are also instructed to meet +any expense—any necessary expense.”</p> + +<p>“I suppose you mean that I am to get back to +America any way I can.”</p> + +<p>“I suggest that you wire your own bank, <i>signora</i>.”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_288">[Pg 288]</span></p> + +<p>“Oh, yes,” she said crisply. “Of course! I was +not referring to money but to the indifference of Mr. +Flagg’s family.”</p> + +<p>Those little, initiated, trained hands made a gesture +disposing of families. “The world is cruel, <i>signora</i>. +If there is anything I can do for you, call upon me. +I am not indifferent to distress. Permit me to say +that I am more than sorry—”</p> + +<p>When he was gone, she wandered from room to +room, from window to window, peering out at the +black sky, at the drenched cypresses, the bedraggled +arbor. The little cat asked to be let in. “I must find +a home for you,” Lilah said. Because, like Lilah, +the little cat loved soft and beautiful things, she was +forever crying at closed doors, begging to be let in +to warmth and light. But no one cared, because it +is not enough to love soft things, beauty—</p> + +<p>The house-agent, rattling his keys, interrupted her. +He had an air of relishing the situation and there was, +at the same time, something sly and insinuating in his +manner. He stared, immediately, at everything as +if he expected to find that some of the furniture had +been removed. He asked whether Lilah intended to +remain at the “Villino Sans-Souci,” which had been +leased by the “poor gentleman” for a year.</p> + +<p>Lilah realized, with a shock of positive terror, that +she must leave the house at once.</p> + +<p>“An English gentleman is most anxious to take the +house. Perhaps, next week—to be precise, Wednesday—the +<i>signora</i> will surrender the property?”</p> + +<p>Afraid of his eyes, Lilah said: “I cannot move before +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_289">[Pg 289]</span>the first of the month. The rent is paid until +then.”</p> + +<p>This was a mistake. The agent repeated that his +English client must take possession at once—or find +another, suitable house. It was not a simple matter +to find tenants for houses in the country, the <i>forestieri</i> +preferred, as a rule, the life and gayety of the city. +“As for me, <i>signora</i>, I would die of the melancholy +in this place.”</p> + +<p>“Wednesday, then,” Lilah said. She shut him out +with a weary gesture.</p> + +<p>Where on earth should she go? Now, of course, +she could not ask Robert, or Junius, for money. She +had burned her bridges.</p> + +<p>She packed Flagg’s things, vaguely intending to +give them to some one who might need them—the +farmer next door or that tall idiot boy who lived over +the hill, the one who could imitate the birds and sat +all day calling them, delighted by his own cleverness. +Lilah could not kiss Flagg’s things, or caress them. +Some women might have, but they would not have +been the kind of women who love deeply. Lilah shook +his clothes out, folded them, with a sort of frozen +indifference, as if they had belonged to some one else. +She had had her hour of bravery, alone with him. +She had sat with death. No one, not even David Brenner, +could call her a coward now.... But at the +end, Flagg’s eyes shut her out. He had gone away +without her, still cherishing his secrets.... Selfish.... +The word rang in her ears.</p> + +<p>She got up, went quickly downstairs and to his +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_290">[Pg 290]</span>desk where that little heap of manuscript lay untouched. +She began to read eagerly, hearing his +voice in every word.... How long would it be +before she would forget his voice? How long must +she suffer like this?</p> + +<p>She could not understand what he had written.... +No wonder that he had never confided in her. He +had either gone infinitely further along the paths she +feared and shrank from, or else he had been deluded, +blinded by glimpses of the infinite. His phrases had +no meaning for her. How far must she go, she wondered, +before she could judge, appraise him? She +would know, some day, whether he had been selfish, +or beyond the proscribed, essential personality of the +unenlightened being—Robert, Junius, herself.</p> + +<p>She had deceived him, in the beginning; he had +thought that he saw in her what, eventually, he found +she did not have. He had little by little uncovered +her artifice, her ignorance, her evasions, her frivolity, +her fear, until in the end, he clasped, perhaps with +shame, a naked little body.... That was why, in +the end, he smiled at her and shut her out....</p> + +<hr class="tb"> + +<p>Hearing a carriage, she thrust the papers under a +blotter, out of sight, as if they had been a proclamation +of her failure. The servant came in, announcing +the <i>contessa</i>.</p> + +<p>“<i>Cara mia</i>, I have just heard.”</p> + +<p>She offered both her hands to Lilah. She was dressed +in the extreme of fashion, and Lilah thought: “She +must have made a match.”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_291">[Pg 291]</span></p> + +<p>The <i>contessa’s</i> sharp, initiated eyes studied Lilah’s +face through a lorgnon. She wore, always, too many +ornaments, chains, bracelets, medallions and pins; her +flat breast was hung with brilliants. “My poor child. +I hear that you were in Paris. What a terrible thing. +What will you do? Go back to your husband?”</p> + +<p>“No.”</p> + +<p>“Perhaps you will remarry.”</p> + +<p>“My dear <i>contessa</i>,” Lilah said impatiently, “I am +not yet divorced. And I loved the man who is dead.”</p> + +<p>“But you’ll have to do something with your life. +You can’t live here, alone, in this treasure-house of +sweet memories! You’ll have to do something! +You’re young. I don’t believe in women sitting desolate +among the ruins, willfully mourning the irrevocable. +Life is so terribly short and cruel, so—so +avaricious. I have always believed in snapping my +fingers in the face of destiny. You couldn’t imagine +the number of times I’ve been knocked down. I +always get up again. I’m clever. A woman alone +has to be. You’ve got to understand men. If I were +beautiful, with my knowledge of men, I could achieve +anything.... As it is—sixty, and a bag of bones—I +manage—” Her voice trailed off. A look of weariness +and fright crossed her eyes. “I manage. Now, +if I were you—”</p> + +<p>“I haven’t a cent,” Lilah cried suddenly. “I don’t +know what to do. Can you lend me a few hundred +dollars?”</p> + +<p>The <i>contessa</i> closed her lorgnon with a snap. Her +expression became sly, sweet, and guarded. She stared +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_292">[Pg 292]</span>down at her large, awkward hands, at the glitter of +small, inexpensive but ostentatious rings which ornamented +her fingers. She shook her head. “Impossible. +Just at the moment, I am what we Americans call +flush. But you never can tell.... You never can +tell! It’s a precarious world. And the Italians aren’t +gifted with a sense of gratitude. I did wonderful +things for a <i>borghese</i>, a store-keeper, who wanted to +enlarge his establishment....”</p> + +<p>She broke off. “You might live with me for a +while. I would enjoy your companionship. Your presence +would brighten my <i>salon</i>. I am quite in earnest. +I would not expect compensation. Gayety. Vivacity. +Elegance. And in return the advantage of my large +acquaintance....”</p> + +<p>“Thank you,” Lilah said. “No.”</p> + +<p>She shivered. “No. You are very kind. But I am +going back to America.”</p> + +<p>She stood, and the <i>contessa</i>, her chains and bangles +clinking together, took her leave. “You are very foolish,” +she said at the door. “Perhaps you will reconsider. +You are intelligent enough to know that I am +respectable. If you are afraid of facts....” She +got into her carriage, crossed one leg over the other, +displaying an elaborate slipper, and waved. “<i>Au +’voir!</i>”</p> + +<hr class="tb"> + +<p>Lilah thought: “Who knows? Some day.”</p> + +<p>She sat before the fire, smoking and stroking the +cat, that kept up a remote humming, a sort of tea-kettle +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_293">[Pg 293]</span>purring. She thought of the simple existence +of a cat. Either you were hungry and hunted, or +you weren’t, and purred, with no thought of the next +day or the next. If she were to leave the little black +cat to the mercy of the agent, the birds in the cypress +groves would have to watch out—a lean, famished little +cat with lashing tail would creep through the under-brush, +stalking.... “I’ll give you to the doctor,” +Lilah said aloud. The little cat blinked and fell asleep.</p> + +<p>Life wasn’t so simple for a woman whose only talent +was knowing how to dress well. To live. Just to +live, and not be hungry! Suppose she were to accept +the <i>contessa’s</i> invitation. She knew quite well what +it meant—a married woman, in Italy—even a divorcee +would find it almost impossible to remarry. She +would become the mistress of one of the <i>contessa’s</i> +friends, for a compensation. He would, of necessity, +be a wealthy <i>borghese</i>, since men of title were seeking +dowries, not adventures. She let the projected +image of herself pass across her imagination, an image +of Lilah accentuated, for the moment more brilliant, +her mystery understored, her charm deepened by necessity +to a certain vulgarity—an actress pretending +to be a lady.... She would seek satisfaction in +the possession of concrete adornments, tributes to her +first, untarnished success. She might, even, take her +situation seriously....</p> + +<p>She threw her cigarette into the fire with a gesture +that was both violent and contemptuous. First her +father, now Flagg, had left her to shift for herself. +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_294">[Pg 294]</span>Her mouth drooped. Her eyes, angry, dull with pain, +brooded. “I can’t bear this. What, in God’s name, +am I going to do?”</p> + +<p>It was not yet dark. Twilight was gathering, and +the ugly, incongruous objects in the room retreated +into shadow. She thought of the Thirty-eighth Street +house, Shawhan’s flamboyant ladies, the dull gold of +shaded lights, the discreet, remote murmur of traffic +in that brazen, that fearless, that challenging city.... +She went to the window. The valley, Florence, was +dark beneath a dark sky; there were no lights; it +might have been a city forgotten and deserted, a place +given over to the ghosts of a reckless, fearless, challenging +yesterday.</p> + +<p>“I must go back,” she thought.</p> + +<p>She straightened herself, as if she were facing an +antagonist. Across the valley, beneath that dark sky, +Flagg was alone with the secret he had withheld from +her. It seemed to Lilah that she must, somehow, get +to him, hear his voice, listen again to the beating of +his heart, caress his hair. But there was something +she must do first. She must bring him the Lilah he +wanted.</p> + +<hr class="tb"> + +<p>Doctor Bacci lived across the river in an old house, +narrow, tall, toppling, in the Via dei Bardi. There +was a garden at the rear, where, he assured her, the +little black cat and her kitten would be free to caper +or to bask in the sun. He opened the hat-box Lilah +had brought from the Ponte a Mensola, from which +emerged a continuous scratching and mewing. Damp +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_295">[Pg 295]</span>and disheveled, the two cats jumped out and began +at once to investigate, under tables, behind doors, +into cupboards, everywhere.</p> + +<p>“You’re sure you don’t mind?”</p> + +<p>The doctor smiled. “I am, on the contrary, flattered.”</p> + +<p>He touched a bell and a man servant came in. +The doctor said in Italian: “These are my two children. +The little, black female is called Simonetta. +The other, Moro. Will you ask Tata to feed them?”</p> + +<p>“<i>Si, signore.</i>”</p> + +<p>He turned to find Lilah in tears. “Now, there is +nothing,” she said.</p> + +<p>“You have forgotten the future.”</p> + +<p>With a flash of scorn, she answered: “What cold +comfort!”</p> + +<p>“I have nothing better to offer.” The doctor looked +away from her, through the French door to the patch +of garden. Lilah wondered whether pity embarrassed +him. “What are you going to do?” he asked.</p> + +<p>She told him, at once, her situation. “There is +no one else I can go to. I’m alone. I don’t want my +husband or his grandfather to know anything about +me. I am afraid that if I should see them I might +weaken. I might go back. I have told you enough +about myself to make it plain to you that if I should +go back it would be—”</p> + +<p>“Unthinkable,” the doctor interrupted.</p> + +<p>He rose politely. “There are a few patients—When +I have seen them, I will join you in the garden.”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_296">[Pg 296]</span></p> + +<p>He opened the door and Lilah passed him, conscious +of his glance, both curious and eager. Before +the door closed again, he watched her cross the garden +and seat herself on a stone bench beneath the +polished foliage of a camelia tree. There, in that +square pool of green, at the bottom of a well formed +by the walls of houses, beneath another square of +cloudless sky, Lilah felt a pervading loneliness. An +emotional courage had carried her so far. Could +she go farther? Everything, literally everything, depended +on this man. If he should open the door and +come toward her with a certain expression, she would +know that she was to be forever the victim of her +negative philosophy; her vision could not outlast the +attack of a calculated and intelligent cynicism. Her +balance was too precarious. If he came toward her +with another expression—and she could tell, when he +had no more than opened the door—she would be +forever under obligation to her new self. There could +be no backsliding.</p> + +<p>She relaxed suddenly. The sunlight, after so many +weeks of rain, had about it an almost personal warmth; +it lay across her hands, her cheek, her shoulders. The +walls dripped moisture and a shallow fountain kept up +a thin tinkle as a jet rose and fell. A door opened, +some one said “<i>Via!</i>” and the two cats scampered +out, their tails very stiff. They sat down in a patch +of sunlight and began to lick themselves, first their +haunches, then their stomachs, and at last their heads, +over and over with their paws. Finished, one of them +fell asleep, his paws tucked under so that he was +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_297">[Pg 297]</span>heart-shaped. The other, Simonetta, explored the garden, +daintily, stepping over everything lightly, her +tail twitching....</p> + +<p>“She has forgotten him already,” Lilah thought. +And she remembered Flagg’s fingers caressing the +black fur.... Her own hair.... A wild sweetness +possessed her. She closed her eyes, abandoned +to it. It flowed over her like light, this remembering. +It was bitter and wonderful and exquisite. If +she could remember like this, she would never be +altogether alone; she could summon the recollection +of his touch....</p> + +<p>The sensation passed. She was cold. She opened +her eyes to the bright immobility of the garden.</p> + +<p>The French doors of the doctor’s office opened. +He came toward her quickly, but she did not look at +his face.</p> + +<p>He said without preface: “I will see that you get +back to New York and that you are provided for +until you can find something to do. Florence isn’t +the place for you. Here you would never reach the +final step—purification. It is too old, too settled a +beauty. You need the struggle America offers—competition, +enthusiasm. I could show you an Italy +you don’t dream of, but it is mine, not yours! You +would never understand it and, in the end, it would +destroy you, since you are weakened by perfection. +You will have to cut your way out of ugliness.” He +paused. Then in a different, casual voice he said: +“Simonetta has come to stay. She is asleep on the +kitchen step.” And he called: “<i>Vieni! Gattinino!</i>”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_298">[Pg 298]</span></p> + +<p>Lilah returned to New York. It was Spring of +the year. She mingled in the restless stream flowing +up one side of the Avenue, down the other, broken by +cross-currents, flowing on again, resistlessly, to no +purpose.</p> + +<p>The doctor’s generosity had been limited by his +resources; he was not, in the American sense, well-to-do. +When Lilah counted her pennies and considered +her debt, she realized that he had spoken the +truth; she must cut her way out of ugliness. Poverty +in a cottage might be, at least, picturesque, immaterial; +in New York it was ponderable, a sordid weight +of petty obstacles; so much for so much and never +quite enough.</p> + +<p>Lilah established herself in a room not far from +Astor Place.</p> + +<p>New York was a desert. She was alone in a crowded +wilderness. She was shabby, in debt and desperate. +But if Robert had reappeared and had asked her to +return to the Thirty-eighth Street house, to the sumptuous, +familiar extravagances of her life there, she +would have lacked the courage to accept.</p> + +<p>She had a new thirst for power, a new eagerness +to escape. She wanted the power that comes with +personal success. She wanted to escape from the curse +of materialism. She had lived in a sham world; the +shabby, dark room, the dingy window-panes, the worn +carpet were reality.</p> + +<p>Lilah’s daily search for work took her through +streets where there was not even a remote chance +of being recognized by old friends; she threaded the +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_299">[Pg 299]</span>crowded mazes of commerce, anonymous and frightened.</p> + +<p>It did not occur to her to go back to the fashionable +couturier in the ’Fifties who had “built” her +trousseau. She remembered his first curt dismissal, +the card tossed to her across his desk. “Learn to +put hats together; then, perhaps, you can design +them.”</p> + +<p>She avoided those up-town streets given over to +fashionable shops and hotels, establishments haunted +by women of her acquaintance whose whims carried +them from one dressmaker to another, from one antiquarian +to another. She wanted to lose herself, to +be immersed in an unfamiliar atmosphere, to be alone +with this strange, new Lilah. Now that Flagg was +dead, he was more than ever real. He had never +been so insistently near her, more insistently a part of +her. But their life together had lost all reality. It +seemed, now, to have happened in a half-forgotten +dream. She had dreamed and had wakened to the +commonplace business of living. The actual became +confused with the vision; she experienced a new, strong +sense of distaste, almost fear, at the proximity of +people who might break the comforting nostalgia.</p> + +<p>She saw no one but David Brenner. The young +Jew fitted her mood. He was not, now, in love with +her but with some scheme of his own. He called her +his “little sardine” but he did not accuse her of +being a humbug.</p> + +<p>She lunched with him at the identical restaurant of +their last meeting, and Lilah traced with her finger +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_300">[Pg 300]</span>recent signatures scratched in the pine table by unknowns +craving an easy notoriety.</p> + +<p>David Brenner’s talk was of people, things, she +knew nothing about. A dozen personalities had flashed +across the American intellectual firmament trailing +sparks and shedding inhibitions—rockets, most of +them, that shot up with a tremendous dazzle and were +destined soon to snuff out, to zig-zag to earth. David +Brenner spoke of them with immense seriousness. He +was like most Americans, she decided, in his facile +enthusiasms, his sudden, scornful shifts of opinion.</p> + +<p>“I’m broke, David,” she said.</p> + +<p>He did not take her seriously. He knew nothing +about her. And behind his bantering admiration there +was always distrust. When she told him that she +could not find work, he shrugged his shoulders. +“You’ll never get the sort of job you’re looking for, +Lilah. Try Fifth Avenue and your own particular +brand of bluff.”</p> + +<p>There it was again. Her own particular brand of +bluff.</p> + +<p>It was lonely, living by herself. She left David +Brenner and went back to the room just off Astor +Place. Day after day at five o’clock she went there +because there was nowhere else to go. She had lost +her sense of the pageantry of the streets and of her +part in it. No one turned to look at her, because +she no longer had the assurance, the air of victory, +which attracts attention.</p> + +<p>She took David Brenner’s advice. After all, what +did it matter if Robert’s friends should happen to +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_301">[Pg 301]</span>see her? She had been stupid. She was not the +type of woman they wanted in East Side shirtwaist +factories. Over and over again she had failed because +she had had no “experience,” that vague attribute of +anemic, gum-chewing, bobbed girls who always “got +the job” Lilah failed to get. Her manner, her charm +counted for nothing. She discovered that she was too +old to serve the necessary apprenticeship. Girls of +fifteen were doing, efficiently, what she could not do. +Others, thousands of them, were trained, ready to +take the succeeding steps toward the few high-salaried +positions available to women in business. At eight +o’clock, at five o’clock, the streets were choked with +women, all of them initiated—</p> + +<p>Lilah sat before her mirror and took stock of herself.</p> + +<p>“Twenty-nine,” she said aloud.</p> + +<p>In the fashionable world she had left, twenty-nine +was at the beginning of experience. At thirty, a +woman tried her wings; if she were clever and ambitious, +it was the age of marital re-adjustment, of +social expansion, of thrilling experiment, leadership. +But to be a lonely little nobody at thirty! To climb +endless iron stairs to innumerable glazed doors +marked: <i>Private</i>. To answer advertisements a day +too late. To be told to leave her name and address, +to come again, to telephone, to write. To thread the +crowded streets, pretending eagerness. To try and +fail....</p> + +<p>It would be easier to write Robert something evasive, +something pathetic ... she could always touch +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_302">[Pg 302]</span>his heart ... and, to-morrow, she would be at the +Point, laughing with Junius, everything forgotten....</p> + +<p>She actually went to the table and took up a pen, +dipping it several times in the ink. She wrote: <i>March +30</i>. But she could not write: <i>Dear Robert</i>. Could +not. The letters would not go down.</p> + +<p>She put her head on the paper and cried. She +cried until she fell asleep. She was very tired and +she was beginning to be hungry. The doctor’s loan +would not carry her another week and she could not +ask him for more. It was enough that he was caring +for Simonetta and Moro.... It was enough that +he had seen Flagg die....</p> + +<p>In the morning she went up town. Someone, very +optimistic, had set out English daisies in window boxes. +It was warm on the sunny side of the street. And +what shops! What clothes! Lilah, drunk, paused to +stare at a chinchilla wrap, a Leghorn hat, a pair of +brocaded sandals, a fan made of pheasants’ feathers +set in onyx sticks.... She felt the old hunger for +possession. She shook her head and straightened her +shoulders. She groped for her dim, new faith, what +it was that drove her on, why it was that she must +win this obscure, personal game....</p> + +<p>She went into the employee’s entrance of a department +store. A doorman, who was sitting on a stool, +directed her to the office of “Miss Craig—she sees +everybody.” Miss Craig was young, and a lady. +From behind spectacles with tortoise-shell rims +her eyes investigated Lilah’s unmistakable elegance. +Maurice’s black gown was a miracle of simplicity; +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_303">[Pg 303]</span>it had outlasted two seasons. Miss Craig wrote something +on a pad. Her expression was purposefully +enigmatic, but the corners of her mouth twitched. +“There isn’t much chance just at present.... I +could try you in the cotton good’s department. It’s +quite hard. You’d have to learn the stock. The +material isn’t heavy, but the bolts are—it means lifting +all day and standing on your feet. Our employees +are expected to go to school in the beginning. We +have to be sure that they are reasonably good mathematicians—honest—intelligent—” +She paused, flushing.</p> + +<p>“Anything,” Lilah said. “I’ll do anything. I’m +at the end.”</p> + +<p>After a moment, Miss Craig said: “I’m terribly +sorry. I guessed as much. Would twenty-five dollars +a week help any? I can’t offer you more. For +a novice, you know—”</p> + +<p>“Yes. Yes. Anything.”</p> + +<p>Lilah went to school. Fractions terrified her. +Graduated, she pasted labels, and, for a week, wrote +undecipherable, meaningless numbers and letters on +pasteboard tickets. She did not see Miss Craig again. +She learned of the men “higher up”; the floor-walkers, +department managers, buyers and sales managers who +dominated this world of workers. She encountered +the “politics” of a big store. She heard gossip, the +bitter, querulous backbiting of tired women.</p> + +<p>The day came when, with a sense of dread and +excitement, she was put “on the floor.” All day she +lifted heavy rolls of gingham, muslin, cotton, crêpe, +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_304">[Pg 304]</span>twisted them, measured them, rolled them up again. +Pink. Yellow. Hideous checks and nauseating plaids. +Pretty, crisp organdies, like the starched skirts of little +girls at a picnic....</p> + +<p>All day she was questioned, bullied, scolded. She +passed close to the other clerks, brushed them with +her own body and yet never saw them. This was not +Lilah. This was a common, clever, indifferent girl +who was rolling and unrolling cotton goods. “How +many yards, madam?” That was not Lilah’s voice; +it was too high and sharp; the accent too clipped.... +Once she thrust her pencil through her hair, and something +apart from Lilah laughed. Junius had said that +she was an actress.... “Two sixty-four. At one +thirty-two a yard. Anything else?”</p> + +<p>A young girl with a broad face and gray eyes said: +“Say, you can’t wear that dress. Mr. Mansfield will +get after you. It has to be plain black, and no +frills.”</p> + +<hr class="tb"> + +<p>Twenty-five a week was not enough. Lilah left the +room near Astor Place and moved to Tenth Street. +An old house, the house of a merchant of the ’Eighties, +had resisted the tide of factories and sweatshops. It +stood, peeling, cracked and damp, between two towering +buildings occupied by fur manufacturers and +printers. A smell of hides dominated, indoors and +out of doors. Packing cases littered the sidewalks +and trucks stood wheel to wheel for blocks. Spring, +a hint of sunlight, brought out an army of workers. +Before the aquiline façade of the old house a polyglot +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_305">[Pg 305]</span>crowd lock-stepped, making wide gestures and +speaking the dim languages of southeastern Europe. +At night, the street was deserted.</p> + +<p>Lilah’s room, three flights up, faced a courtyard +which must have been, in the old days, a formal garden. +Now, in a litter of boxes, cans and barrels, a +lilac tree fought to live. Lilah recalled the cypresses +of Vincigliata.</p> + +<p>She had lost the last vestiges of her hard brightness, +her security.</p> + +<p>She lunched every day with the young girl who +had warned her not to wear the Maurice dress, that +conspicuous miracle of simplicity. And painstakingly, +as if everything depended on it, Lilah acquired from +this girl a new standard of judgment based on the unpalatable +facts of life. She was surprised at her own +flexibility. But something unalterable, fixed, in her +nature demanded achievement, justification. There +would be, must be, a way out....</p> + +<p>Summer was stifling; the city seemed closed beneath +a dome of steel, its reverberations intensified, +the air was thick and hot.</p> + +<p>In the store, a few limp and wilted shoppers wandered +aimlessly about, but there was so little business +that, it was rumored, some of the sales force would +be dropped. Lilah knew the daily panic which comes +of uncertainty. Her record was not good; she had +never reached the average sales required to justify +her presence in the shop, her salary, which was, after +all, percentage on an investment. The other clerks +were sharper; they had the tenacity of women born +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_306">[Pg 306]</span>in poverty. Her instinctive mental attitudes, beyond +their comprehension, made competition, playing the +game on their terms, impossible.</p> + +<p>She was not surprised when Miss Craig sent for +her.</p> + +<p>“I’m sorry. We’re letting fifty people go. There’s +no business.”</p> + +<p>“And I’m one of the fifty?”</p> + +<p>“Yes.” Miss Craig looked away, as if Lilah’s expression +hurt her. “It isn’t <i>me</i>, Mrs. Peabody. <i>I</i> +don’t decide these things. I’m told that fifty must +go. I look through the averages—”</p> + +<p>“Like the massacre at Dinard,” Lilah said. She +felt cold and stiff and her fingers tingled.</p> + +<p>“Don’t you know any one—” Miss Craig suggested.</p> + +<p>Lilah shook her head. “Don’t worry about me. +I’ll manage.”</p> + +<p>“I’m <i>sure</i> you will.” Miss Craig was evidently +relieved. She said brightly: “Why not try the uptown +shops? You don’t belong here. I’ll give you a +letter to ‘Emilie.’ He’s Irish. He’ll like you.”</p> + +<p>“You are very kind.”</p> + +<hr class="tb"> + +<p>Lilah knew, now, that there were two phases of +life—life with illusion and life without it. To exist, +to reconcile living with life, something must take the +place of the lost beliefs. There must be faith in the +abstract promise, the idea, withheld, mysterious and +penetrating, of immortality.... She did what she +always did, in moments of questioning. Facing herself +in a mirror she thought: “Flagg would have told +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_307">[Pg 307]</span>me this, only I wouldn’t have understood. I wasn’t +ready.”</p> + +<p>She was conscious, too, of an apathy that was new +to her, an indifference, a shadow of the lassitude which +comes with a surrender of personality. She shrugged +the feeling away. She must live. She must take, +while there was still time, the advantage offered by +her youth, her charm. “Humbug! Humbug!” she +said to her reflection.</p> + +<p>She glanced at Miss Craig’s letter addressed to +the firm of “Emilie.” “Dear Reilly: Mrs. Peabody is +the rustle of silk in our cotton goods department. +Have a heart. Edna.”</p> + +<p>Lilah smiled. This letter was so sharp and bright +and cold, so cocksure. It might mean everything or +nothing. She wondered how any one—a woman—could +scratch off a letter like that and give it to another +woman who was desperate and friendless. +“Have a heart!”</p> + +<p>She found “Emilie” on Park Avenue. A small, +ornate, Venetian house with grilled windows and a +loggia beneath a tiled roof had been converted into +an “establishment.” A man in livery opened the heavy +door and scrutinized the letter. “Mr. Reilly’s busy. +Come Wednesday at four o’clock.”</p> + +<p>Lilah pushed her way in. “I’ll wait. I’ve got to +see him. Tell him the letter is from Miss Craig. +He’ll see me.”</p> + +<p>The man hesitated, turning the letter over and over +between cotton-gloved fingers. “I’m sorry, but Mr. +Reilly gave particular orders—”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_308">[Pg 308]</span></p> + +<p>Lilah glanced beyond him. A thin, spry man in +a cutaway coat was running down a flight of carpeted +stairs, yards of purple chiffon hanging across +his arm and trailing behind him like the robes of a +Pharaoh. Lilah’s heart contracted. She was amazed +to hear herself saying: “Oh, Mr. Reilly!” in a loud, +confident voice. Inwardly she quaked. She had never +done such a thing. She had no idea whether or not +this was the dressmaker.</p> + +<p>He bounded toward her, gathering up the chiffon, +all the time staring at her as if he intended to take +a bite out of her. He looked like a very angry fox-terrier.</p> + +<p>“Mr. Reilly—”</p> + +<p>“Oh, God.”</p> + +<p>He tripped over the chiffon and threw it on the +ground. He snatched at the letter, read it, showed +his teeth and almost growled. “Can’t you wait? I’m +busy. No. Come upstairs. I’ll let you help. Bring +this stuff, Fred.”</p> + +<p>While they mounted the stairs, Reilly running just +ahead, his patent shoes and white gaiters twinkling, he +carried on an irritable monologue. “Everyone’s sick. +Mrs. Mason went to Lake George this morning. +I’m short-handed. Twenty-five models came on the +<i>Olympic</i> yesterday and they’ve got to be photographed. +If you can wear hats you can go over to the studio +with Duncan and he’ll get the collection.”</p> + +<p>“I’m not a model,” Lilah interrupted.</p> + +<p>He turned sharply and surveyed her. She felt that +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_309">[Pg 309]</span>he could see more than it was decent for any stranger +to see—he could see her crouching within herself, +afraid of hunger. “We’ll try.” He kicked open a +door and she followed him into a room paneled from +floor to ceiling with mirrors. She encountered herself, +little, with scared eyes, profile, three-quarters, her +back turned, face to face. She raised her hand and +a dozen images of herself all raised their hands in +a sort of salute.</p> + +<p>The floor was littered with packing cases from +which spilled tissue paper and hats. “We’ll try,” +Reilly repeated. He swooped down, growled, came +up with a bonnet. Lilah understood that she was +to remove her own hat and assume this fashionable +coal-scuttle, this modern, French adaptation of a mode +seventy-five years old. “My dress is wrong,” she +said. The challenge excited her. She felt, suddenly, +re-animated, alive, after a period of stillness.</p> + +<p>Reilly said: “Never mind. You have a charming +head.”</p> + +<p>She bent her head quickly and looked up at herself.</p> + +<p>“Very good. Now, this one.” He swooped again. +Lilah had never seen such a flexible human being; +he seemed not to have any bones. “Don’t wear it too +far forward. These hats need eyes.... Too violent +for you. You’re pale....” He made a vague gesture. +“Paisley. Amber. Blonde lace. Pink net and +camelias.... <i>Ah!</i>” He emerged from a heap of +tissue-paper with a small <i>cloche</i>. “Try this.”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_310">[Pg 310]</span></p> + +<p>A dozen Lilahs adjusted the expensive trifle of straw, +a hat magnificently disdainful, unornamented, copyrighted +by an astute and talented milliner.</p> + +<p>“I’ll call Duncan.”</p> + +<p>Reilly disappeared and Lilah was left alone with +the manifold reflection of herself.</p> + +<p>Well, it was over, now. She had known from the +beginning that she could not escape—</p> + +<p>Reilly returned with a stout, breathless man in an +alpaca coat who wore a straw hat pushed back.</p> + +<p>After a brief inspection, wholly impersonal, he +said: “Too blonde. She’d photygraph like a white +mouse.”</p> + +<p>Reilly waved him out again. The sense, the implication +of the photographer’s remark was clear. +Lilah removed the <i>cloche</i> and tossed it aside. She +groped for her own hat. “Don’t go,” Reilly interrupted +sharply. “Wait. You can take Katherine’s +place—”</p> + +<p>He beckoned to her.</p> + +<p>The front of the house, from basement to loggia, was +given over to salesrooms, luxurious, miniature shops +designed to attract and hold devotees at the shrine of +that elusive deity, the mode. Reilly was an astute +priest. He had capitalized his serious interest in +women; he was unaware of his own incongruity. +Sharp, alert, inexhaustible, he worshipped women and +exacted payment from them—he “burned incense and +passed the plate” he told Lilah. Something effeminate +in his gesture, the use of his hands, was contradicted +by the shrewdness of his eyes.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_311">[Pg 311]</span></p> + +<p>He preceded Lilah into a room furnished in the +Venetian manner, dimly lighted, opening upon the +loggia. Through the delicate, turned columns, a prismatic +confusion of vertical stone shafts picketed the +smoky sky—the city. A girl rose from a bench, approached +with the languid gait of the trained <i>mannequin</i>. +“Duncan wants you. This is Mrs. Peabody. +She’ll take your place.”</p> + +<p>Reilly turned. “There’s no business at this time +of year. But if any one should come in, sell! The +hats are in these cases. Use your own judgment and +get as much as you can for them. Nothing under +thirty-five dollars. Poor models, more. Good models, +less. That’s excellent psychology. A woman who +pays fifty dollars for an ugly hat will wear it to spite +the devil, and she’ll like it, in spite of herself. A +woman who gets a beautiful hat for thirty-five dollars +will advertise it—and us!”</p> + +<p>He sat down, clasped his knees and asked abruptly: +“Who are you? Not Mrs. Robert Peabody?”</p> + +<p>“Yes.”</p> + +<p>“Don’t tell any one! Call yourself Mrs. Isaac +Peabody—anything! If you stay here, you are not +likely to meet your friends. I cater to actresses, rich +middle-westerners and fashionable demi-mondaines. +They’ll like your looks and your manners. Women +are always fascinated by the unattainable.”</p> + +<p>“Thank you.”</p> + +<p>“We’ll say thirty to start with. If you make +good, I’ll give you this department, at seventy-five. +Katherine is a beautiful bonehead....”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_312">[Pg 312]</span></p> + +<p>He leaped up. “I’ll send a stock-girl. For God’s +sake don’t ask any questions. Use your common sense +and sell hats.”</p> + +<p>He stepped forward and with no softening of his +expression, touched her hair. “That’s a good girl.”</p> + +<hr class="tb"> + +<p>Lilah discovered before long that Reilly was withholding +the reward, the promise of that first day. Summer +melted into the stifling heat of September and beneath +a metallic, dark blue sky the city shimmered, +quivered as if licked by the minute flames of an infernal +fire. “My God, it’s hot,” the stately Katherine +remarked. She stood by the open window, in silhouette, +her attitude reminiscent of Francesca, the +disdainful melancholy of Duse. “My God, it’s hot. +Why don’t Reilly close on Saturday?”</p> + +<p>“I don’t know.”</p> + +<p>“I do. He might lose a dollar.”</p> + +<p>Lilah had changed her opinion of Reilly; he paid +very little attention to her; she had never again had +to endure that brief, impersonal caress. He had called +her, without preface of any sort: “Lilah.” And he +had left her to her own devices.</p> + +<p>She came to the conclusion that Reilly was either +a fraud or an artist. The room in which he received +his clients had only one window and three doors, one +leading into the workroom, one into his bath and the +other into the “Salotto d’Oro.” His desk bore, in +addition to an alabaster lamp, stacked copies of <i>La +Vie Parisienne</i>: a copy, in French of <i>Le Mariage de +Loti</i>; a box made of lacquered leather heavily embossed; +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_313">[Pg 313]</span>and a small colored bust in terra-cotta that +at first glance might have been Florentine but was, +actually, Egyptian. Behind him, in an angle of the +wall, a secretary of inlaid wood towered almost to +the ceiling. There were three Venetian chairs, ornate +and faded. And hung together above a small cabinet, +signed photographs of Ibanez, Poiret, Chaliapin and +Nora Bayes.</p> + +<p>Lilah found that Reilly was a man of violent enthusiasms. +His interest in her had been immediate, +sharp; he had, perhaps, been studying her. There +was a certain zest in competing for his attention, since +he had indicated in the beginning, a definite award. +Lilah held aloof from the other women of the establishment, +because Reilly had warned her that she +could expect jealousy, and that she must avoid conflict +if she expected to advance. Her ambition was +trivial. But faith in herself, her potentiality, returned +slowly. She was humble and, in her recollection of +Flagg, disciplined. As the actuality of that experience +receded, its meaning became more clear.</p> + +<p>Katherine, stretching her long arms above her head, +yawned. “I could stand the present if it wasn’t for +the future,” she said. “Waiting’s hell when nothing +happens.”</p> + +<p>She caught herself as the mirror-paneled door of the +elevator slid back and two women stepped into the +room. “<i>B’ jour, mesdames</i>,” she murmured; her body +undulated; she swam toward them.</p> + +<p>Lilah’s expression of polite concern deepened into +surprise, dismay. She recognized Grace Whiteside, +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_314">[Pg 314]</span>fat, over-ornamented, placid in the secure possession +of family and position, and, behind her, Miss Fuller, +as always, in gray with a little pan-cake hat made +of leaves.</p> + +<p>Lilah held up her hand to ward off their recognition. +Grace Whiteside came to a full stop; she seemed to +spread, to puff out, like an angry turkey.</p> + +<p>“Don’t,” Lilah said faintly. She turned and ran +out of the room.</p> + +<p>She waited, leaning against the closed door. She +heard a murmur of voices, Katherine’s suave and insinuating: +“Very <i>chic, madame</i>. Very new. Reboux. +Just try this one, <i>madame</i>.”</p> + +<p>Presently they were gone. The elevator came up; +the door rattled; it descended again, making a hollow, +reverberating sound in the wall.</p> + +<p>Lilah wondered at her own fear; it was not a moral +cowardice, of that she was certain; she was not +ashamed. She had a different sense of responsibility +toward herself and the opinion people had of her. She +was unwilling to face Miss Whiteside and Grace Fuller +because she had not, as far as they could see, progressed; +the change that had taken place within her +was beyond their comprehension. The new self had +always been there, dormant; but it had been disclosed +by Flagg’s death, by the questioning which had followed.</p> + +<p>Katherine emerged from the “Salotto d’Oro” suddenly. +Her expression was sly and gratified, as if she +had caught Lilah in an indiscretion. She passed, without +a word, going toward Reilly’s office, the black satin +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_315">[Pg 315]</span>drapery of her skirt slipping over the carpet like a +smooth serpent.</p> + +<p>Lilah went back to the salesroom. Grace Whiteside +had been trying on bonnets, Reilly’s rare confections of +lace and spangles designed for grandmothers of the +stage. It had been, apparently, a perfunctory inspection.</p> + +<p>As Lilah put the hats back in their place, she pictured +Miss Whiteside rushing to the nearest telegraph +office to wire Junius Peabody.... Grace Fuller would +probably try to prevent what, in the end, would mean +her own happiness. But nothing could turn aside the +fanatical thrusts of the outraged spinster; she would +plant her vengeance sooner or later. Now, Lilah must +let herself be divorced; an eventuality which would deprive +her of her position with Reilly, since the inevitable +scandal would affect her usefulness. Reilly was +beginning to cast in social waters, and he was baiting +his hook cautiously. He was shrewd but he was not +sophisticated. His knowledge of society had been derived +at second hand. Into his vocabulary the word +“form” had appeared. He had subjugated the theatrical +world and now, longing for other, more difficult attainment, +he was angling for what he termed, in a +whisper, “Newport and Bar Harbor....”</p> + +<p>Lilah’s mind went off at a tangent; she caught herself +wondering whether Grace Fuller had been chaperoning +Robert’s aunt through another attack of gallstones, +or whether—</p> + +<p>Reilly came in, shutting the door with an irritable +bang. “What’s this? What’s Katherine trying to put +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_316">[Pg 316]</span>over?” Lilah did not answer and snatching the bonnet +away from her, Reilly tossed it aside. “I hate +tittle-tattle! She came down stairs, gloating, as if she +had caught you picking the safe. What happened?”</p> + +<p>With a sense of the futility of any explanation, Lilah +said: “I lost my head and Katherine lost a sale....”</p> + +<p>“Damn the sale!”</p> + +<p>Reilly stood, wrapped in a sort of angry contemplation, +his hands in his pockets, his small, gaitered feet +spread. “You’d better let me go,” Lilah said. “It +might happen again.” She added, with a curious smile: +“I’m sorry, more so than I can say.”</p> + +<p>He fixed his eyes on her face.</p> + +<p>“I’ll let you know,” he answered sharply and left +the room.</p> + +<p>A week later, he sent for her.</p> + +<p>“I’m going to put you in the workroom. I think you +have the makings of a designer. Later, perhaps, I’ll +send you to Paris, Vienna.... It won’t do to have you +upstairs.”</p> + +<p>He hesitated and then said sharply: “I’ve heard from +your family.”</p> + +<p>Lilah had not expected this. She leaned against the +desk with a feeling of faintness.</p> + +<p>“They’ve written me. One of them—a Mr. Junius +Peabody—wants to see you.”</p> + +<p>“I can’t! No.... For heaven’s sake, no! I don’t +want to see him.”</p> + +<p>Reilly considered her. “I thought I’d warn you. +He’s downstairs. There’s his card.” He tossed it +across the desk. “You’d better see him.” Reilly rose +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_317">[Pg 317]</span>and came around to her; his hand fell on her shoulder. +“You’re not a coward, are you?”</p> + +<p>“No.”</p> + +<p>“Then face things! If you don’t, they steal up behind +you and knock you down. Always keep your eye +on your fears.” His clasp tightened. “Do you know +why I hired you? I was afraid of you! I’m not +familiar with your sort. You made me ashamed of +what I am.... Now, it seems, you are ashamed of +what you are.... Either you’re stubborn or you’re +guilty. I don’t pretend to understand. I’d like to +put across to you—well, don’t make a mistake.”</p> + +<p>Lilah smiled, made a gesture of surrender. “I’ll see +him.”</p> + +<p>“That’s a good girl.” Reilly paused on the threshold. +“And listen. Don’t hold out against him because +of any resentment ... don’t be a damn fool. +There is more than one way of making good.”</p> + +<p>A moment later, rigid, consciously and painfully correct, +he bowed Junius Peabody into the room and +closed the door again, softly, as if he were closing it +upon the sacred essence of good form.</p> + +<p>Lilah faced Junius with a trace of confusion; her +lips trembled; she smiled unsteadily, because he was +so unfalteringly Junius in spite of everything. He +carried his overcoat on his arm; his head, bared, was +held erect, the white, thick hair brushed carefully back +from the veined forehead. Immaculate, even exquisite, +at eighty-seven he still gave the impression of vigorous +and aristocratic possession. He said: “Lilah,” and, +leaning forward, she kissed him, clung to him suddenly +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_318">[Pg 318]</span>with a passionate eagerness to be understood. Forgiveness +was not required, looked for, since she had +had to do what she had done.</p> + +<p>She felt his hand, patting, patting her back. “<i>There, +there</i>,” he said.</p> + +<p>She made an effort and controlled herself, remembering +that at Junius’ age emotion is painful and perhaps +ugly.</p> + +<p>He sat down; disposed of his coat, his hat and the +heavy, goldmounted cane, and glanced about him. “My +first visit to a dressmaker’s since ’Eighty-six,” he said. +“They’ve changed. No ribbons here!” He made a +gesture of dislike. “That fellow—that popinjay—”</p> + +<p>“Emilie,” Lilah said, wiping her eyes. A flash of +her old self came through, evoked by Junius’ presence. +But she could not, now, laugh at Reilly. He was her +destiny. She was forced to admit that without Reilly +she might be caught in the tide and carried out to sea.</p> + +<p>“He’s really very clever.”</p> + +<p>“A man dressmaker,” Junius stated dryly, “puts me +on edge. I will never be reconciled—”</p> + +<p>He broke off and scrutinized her. “Well, Lilah.”</p> + +<p>With sudden violence she burst out: “I know! You +can’t understand why I’ve hidden myself away. I +had to. You and I are alike, but you’ve never had to +remake yourself. You still look down on people you +consider inferior, and I’ve had to learn to respect them. +I’ve had to kill my old self—or starve.”</p> + +<p>“I have always admired you inordinately,” he remarked.</p> + +<p>“But you have never cared—how could you—whether +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_319">[Pg 319]</span>I was being cowardly and selfish, so long as I +was superior, like you, a snob. We’re both materialists, +you, because you could afford to be and I because I +wanted to be. I haven’t changed. I want finished, +rare, superlative things as much as ever. But I hate +myself because I am a materialist. And that’s as +good as changing.”</p> + +<p>“You’ve been unhappy.”</p> + +<p>She turned away. And Junius continued: “You are +coming back, of course?”</p> + +<p>She shook her head.</p> + +<p>With a trace of impatience, Junius Peabody demanded: +“Why not? There isn’t any one else—another +attachment—” Rebuked by her quick glance, he +apologized: “I know. What you felt was genuine. +But since it is over, done with—”</p> + +<p>She interrupted: “I wonder if you can understand. +What happened is as immaterial as a dream. I can’t +repent. Atone. Do any of the expected things.... +I’m not sorry or ashamed. I am not even, in the accepted +sense, chastened. As you say, it is over. But I +am different, deep down, out of sight, beyond my +knowledge....”</p> + +<p>She smiled at him. “It’s a mixed-up world. I know, +now, that it isn’t nasty.... We, ourselves, are nasty.”</p> + +<p>“Robert needs you.”</p> + +<p>With a flash of scorn she demanded: “Did he expect +you to tell me so?”</p> + +<p>Junius shook his head. “Don’t misunderstand. +Robert hasn’t any illusions. They are all gone. He +is burned out, Lilah. But I like him better than I ever +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_320">[Pg 320]</span>did when he was moon-struck. I think, at times, he +hates you because you took away his belief in that +moon of his. I could have told him that he was worshipping, +not a moon but a glow-worm, because, as you +say, we are very much alike, you and I.”</p> + +<p>“We give a lovely light,” Lilah said.</p> + +<p>The memory of an old appreciation warmed them +both. The door of the workroom opened suddenly, +and violently a head was thrust in. “Mr. Reilly, +here’s that fitting—<i>Oh, excuse me!</i>” The door slammed +again, shutting out the noisy clatter of machines, the +snip-snip of scissors, the staccato treble of women’s +voices.</p> + +<p>Junius rose.</p> + +<p>“We are living very quietly at the Point,” he said. +“I came down on purpose to see you, talk to you. I +won’t urge you. After all, what more can I say than +that you are needed?”</p> + +<p>Lilah cried desperately. “But I don’t love Robert, +Junius.”</p> + +<p>Junius Peabody faced her, a moment, in silence. +She noticed that every detail of his dress was correct, +meticulous; he displayed the interest of a young man +in the outward semblance of superiority, of pride. +Something unfamiliar in her nature caused her to recoil, +almost to resent this deliberate conforming to +prejudice.... Then, as suddenly, she admired him +for this very tenacity, this unswerving adherence to +an ideal of behavior, of appearance. He took her hand. +“There is such a thing as being beyond personal happiness. +I hoped that you had learned to do without it. +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_321">[Pg 321]</span>There is no other serenity.... You’ll come back?”</p> + +<p>“Perhaps.”</p> + +<p>She covered her face with her hands.</p> + +<p>She saw herself, not in the garden, not in the forest, +but on the green before the kennels, where Robert’s +spaniels romped and barked. She saw herself kneeling +in the grass, fondling a wriggling puppy, stroking and +kissing the soft fur. She heard herself saying: “Oh, +Robert, aren’t they darlings!”</p> + + +<p class="center p4">THE END</p> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> +<div class="chapter"> +<div class="transnote"> + <p class="ph2" id="TRANSCRIBERS_NOTES"> + TRANSCRIBER’S NOTES + </p> + + +<p>Typos corrected: “saxaphone” to “saxophone” (<a href="#Page_114">page 114</a>); “skiis” to +“skis” (<a href="#Page_191">page 191</a>); +“Troisieme” to “Troisième” (<a href="#Page_272">page 272</a>); +“spinister” to “spinster” (<a href="#Page_315">page 315</a>).</p> + +<p>Extraneous/missing punctuation corrected on pages <a href="#Page_30">30</a>, <a href="#Page_177">177</a>, <a href="#Page_191">191</a>, <a href="#Page_269">269</a>, +and <a href="#Page_277">277</a>.</p> + +<p>Author’s spelling of “Nietzschan” (<a href="#Page_14">page 14</a>) retained.</p> + +<p>Inconsistencies in hyphenation have been left unchanged.</p> +</div> +</div> +<div style='text-align:center'>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 78615 ***</div> +</body> +</html> |