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diff --git a/78266-0.txt b/78266-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..97c5300 --- /dev/null +++ b/78266-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2261 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 78266 *** + + + + + APPLETON SHORT PLAYS + No. 4 + + IT’S TIME SOMETHING + HAPPENED + + + + + IT’S TIME SOMETHING + HAPPENED + + BY + + ARTHUR DOYLE + + [Illustration] + + D. APPLETON AND COMPANY + NEW YORK ¤ LONDON ¤ MCMXXV + + + + + COPYRIGHT, 1925, BY + D. APPLETON AND COMPANY + + _All Rights Reserved_ + +This play is fully protected by the copyright law, all requirements +of which have been complied with. No performance, either professional +or amateur, may be given without the permission of the publisher, D. +APPLETON AND COMPANY, 35 West 32nd Street, New York, or D. APPLETON AND +COMPANY, 25 Bedford Street, Covent Garden, London, England. + + Copyright, 1924, by Arthur Doyle + + PRINTED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA + + + + +IT’S TIME SOMETHING HAPPENED + +CAST + + + THE PROLOGUE + THE SHE-ANGLE + THE HE-ANGLE + THE PLAYWRIGHT + THE POET + THE NOVELIST + THE ACTRESS + THE HUSBAND, _another He-Angle_ + +(_The_ PROLOGUE _steps before the curtain. He is dressed in tights, +etc., and carries a trumpet._) + +PROLOGUE + +Do you know who I am? Yes, I’m the Prologue. I’m not really the +Prologue: I am really the Exposition. But they put tights on me and +gave me this (_indicating the trumpet_) and called me the Prologue. I +can’t play a trumpet, but it goes well with my tights and looks good, +and besides it’s something to lean on while I’m standing over there. +Yes, I stand there during the whole play. It’s that kind of play. + +There, I’ve told you! Yes, you’re going to see a play of a sort. Maybe +it won’t be much of a play. That will depend on how much of a help you +are. I suppose I’ve got to explain. That is part of my duties as the +Exposition. + +You see last night a young man (he must have been a very young man) +dreamed a dream. I don’t mean that you can dream anything but a dream, +but it is better to say “dreamed a dream” than to say simply, “he +dreamed.” Now, this young man dreamed about triangles--not the kind he +ought to have dreamed about as a student of higher mathematics and a +very young man--but the other kind. He must have been pretty much of a +playgoer, this young man. + +As I say, he dreamed of triangles. He dreamed of a man and a wife and +another man. That’s what is known as a triangle, you know. He didn’t +give much time to the husband, but he did get the wife and the other +man into a terrible mess. He made them fall in love, and he was just +about to solve the problem of how he was going to get rid of the +husband--that’s always the problem of triangles, you know--when he woke +up. + +Do you see the difficulty? Here are two angles, desperately in love, +and they haven’t yet found out how they can get rid of the husband +angle. And, moreover--but no, I’ve been enough Exposition for the +present. If anything comes up that you don’t understand, I’ll try to +make it clear to you. I’ll be right over here if you want me. If you’re +all ready, we’ll begin. Just remember that you’re to help the angles if +you can, please! + +(_He walks to one side and folds his arms. The curtains part, revealing +a blank wall of curtains in the rear. Before curtains are three high +stools._ _On left stool the_ SHE-ANGLE _sits and on right stool the_ +HE-ANGLE, _leaving the center stool vacant_.) + +HE-ANGLE + +Well? + +SHE-ANGLE (_shortly_) + +I didn’t say anything. + +HE-ANGLE + +Oh! + +(_Pause._) + +SHE-ANGLE + +What? + +HE-ANGLE + +I didn’t say anything. + +SHE-ANGLE + +Oh! + +(_Pause._) + +HE-ANGLE + +This isn’t getting us anywhere. + +SHE-ANGLE + +That’s right. Blame it on me! + +HE-ANGLE + +Who’s blaming it on you? + +SHE-ANGLE + +You are! + +HE-ANGLE + +I’m not! + +SHE-ANGLE + +You are! + +HE-ANGLE + +I’m not! + +SHE-ANGLE + +I say you are. + +HE-ANGLE + +I’m--Oh, well, have it your own way. But, after all, it isn’t getting +us anywhere, is it? + +SHE-ANGLE + +Who said it was? + +HE-ANGLE + +That’s right. Blame it on me! + +SHE-ANGLE + +Who’s blaming it on you? + +HE-ANGLE + +You are. + +SHE-ANGLE + +I’m not! + +HE-ANGLE + +You-- Oh, there we go again. (_Gets off chair and paces across stage._) +After all, it _isn’t_ getting us anywhere. + +SHE-ANGLE + +Well, I’ve done all I could. + +HE-ANGLE + +What have you done? + +SHE-ANGLE + +I’ve done everything I could. + +HE-ANGLE + +So I heard you say. But what have you done? + +SHE-ANGLE + +I’ve racked my brains for days, if you want to know. + +HE-ANGLE + +Oh, surely, it didn’t take all that. + +SHE-ANGLE + +All what? + +HE-ANGLE + +Days. + +SHE-ANGLE (_beginning to sob_) + +There! You’re just like all men. Oh! And I thought you different. + +HE-ANGLE + +Oh, come now! I say, there isn’t any reason for that. + +SHE-ANGLE + +Oh, no! You’d say not. You would. + +HE-ANGLE + +Well, what did I say? + +SHE-ANGLE + +You said--(_Sobs._)--You said I didn’t have any brains. + +HE-ANGLE + +I didn’t! + +SHE-ANGLE + +You did. + +HE-ANGLE + +I didn’t. + +SHE-ANGLE (_sobbing_) + +You _did_! + +HE-ANGLE + +Oh, well. (_He goes over to her and takes her hand._) I’m sorry. +Really, I am, if I said it, but I don’t think I did. + +SHE-ANGLE (_brightening_) + +Well, you did. + +HE-ANGLE + +I’m sorry. (_Puts arm about her._) I am like all men, I guess. + +SHE-ANGLE + +What do you mean by that? + +HE-ANGLE + +Oh, nothing. But what are you going to do about it? + +SHE-ANGLE + +I’ve been trying to tell you all along, if you’d only let me. + +HE-ANGLE + +What have you been trying to tell me? + +SHE-ANGLE + +What I’m going to do about it. + +HE-ANGLE + +Oh! + +SHE-ANGLE + +What? + +HE-ANGLE + +Nothing. I just said “Oh”! + +SHE-ANGLE + +Oh! + +(_Pause._) + +HE-ANGLE + +Well? + +SHE-ANGLE + +I didn’t say anything. + +HE-ANGLE + +Oh! + +(_Pause._) + +SHE-ANGLE + +You see, I will not just run away from my husband. I say I won’t! + +HE-ANGLE + +No! Certainly not. But what are you going to do? You know I love you. +Where do I come in? + +SHE-ANGLE + +Well, I’ve sent for a playwright. + +HE-ANGLE + +Oh! + +SHE-ANGLE + +Yes. + +HE-ANGLE + +But what good is a playwright? + +SHE-ANGLE + +Why, don’t you see? To get us out of this mess. + +HE-ANGLE + +But what _good_ is he? + +SHE-ANGLE + +Why, don’t you see? + +HE-ANGLE + +No. + +SHE-ANGLE + +Why, playwrights have to do with angles, and triangles, and all that +sort of thing. He should be able to help us. + +HE-ANGLE + +Oh! + +(_Pause._) + +SHE-ANGLE + +Well? + +HE-ANGLE + +I didn’t say anything. + +SHE-ANGLE + +Oh! + +(_Pause._) + +SHE-ANGLE + +But I think you might. + +HE-ANGLE + +Might what? + +SHE-ANGLE + +Say something. What do you think of it--my plan? + +HE-ANGLE + +Oh! it’s all right, I guess. + +SHE-ANGLE + +You guess! + +(_Looks as if on the verge of tears._) + +HE-ANGLE + +Why, of course it is. It’s fine; that’s what it is. It’s great! But +suppose he won’t be able to help us? + +SHE-ANGLE + +He--(_Looks off left._)--Here he comes! He will! (_Enter_ PLAYWRIGHT +_from left_. _Both_ HE-ANGLE _and_ SHE-ANGLE _look at him curiously_. +HE-ANGLE _goes back to his stool_.) + +PLAYWRIGHT + +You sent for me? + +SHE-ANGLE + +So you’re really a playwright! Oh! + +PLAYWRIGHT + +Well, rather. You sent for me? + +SHE-ANGLE + +Yes. I sent for you. + +PLAYWRIGHT + +Well? + + HE-ANGLE } + SHE-ANGLE } (_together_) + +I didn’t say anything. + +PLAYWRIGHT + +But what did you send for me for? + +SHE-ANGLE + +I told you that--in my letter. You know--my husband. We’ve got to get +free from him. + +PLAYWRIGHT + +Oh, yes! Husband--triangle. H’m. + +SHE-ANGLE + +I thought that you, being a playwright-- + +PLAYWRIGHT + +Yes, yes, of course. + +SHE-ANGLE + +You see, it’s really a very serious matter. + +PLAYWRIGHT + +H’m! Oh, not so serious! + +HE-ANGLE + +But what are we going to do about it? + +PLAYWRIGHT + +Not so fast, young man! Don’t be impatient. + +HE-ANGLE + +But we’re tired just being--angles. + +PLAYWRIGHT + +Of course. H’m! Have you told him? + +SHE-ANGLE + +Whom? + +PLAYWRIGHT + +Why, your husband. + +SHE-ANGLE + +No. + +PLAYWRIGHT + +No, of course not. But it is all very plain. + +HE-ANGLE + +What is all very plain? + +PLAYWRIGHT + +It’s all very simple. All you have to do is to run away. + + HE-ANGLE } + SHE-ANGLE } Run away! + +PLAYWRIGHT + +Why, of course. Together! + +SHE-ANGLE + +But--but the scandal. + +PLAYWRIGHT + +Ah, of course--the scandal. Wonderful! Think of it. The whole town +talking. Ah, Pinero! Everyone that’s worth while. Of course! + +SHE-ANGLE + +But I don’t want them to talk! + +PLAYWRIGHT + +Don’t be foolish! Think of the dialogue! + +HE-ANGLE + +The what? + +PLAYWRIGHT + +The dialogue. Think of what people will say! Sparkling, eh, what! +Scintillating! Think of it! Ah, Wilde! + +SHE-ANGLE + +But I don’t want them to talk! + +PLAYWRIGHT + +Well, of all the--! But they will talk! + +HE-ANGLE + +No! + +PLAYWRIGHT + +Yes! Of course they will. Do you think they’re fools? If they didn’t +talk, why--why there wouldn’t be any sense to triangles. You angles +must take the consequences. If you must angle, you must be talked about. + +SHE-ANGLE + +No! I refuse! + +HE-ANGLE + +Certainly not! + +(_Pause._) + +PLAYWRIGHT + +Well, then, if you insist on shutting out dialogue. There--have you +thought of--How is your husband? + +SHE-ANGLE + +Why, well, thank you! Why--What do you mean? + +PLAYWRIGHT + +I mean--doesn’t he have anything? + +SHE-ANGLE + +Doesn’t he have anything? + +PLAYWRIGHT + +Why, yes--apoplexy or locomotor ataxia, or diabetes, or something? + +SHE-ANGLE + +Why--why, no! + +PLAYWRIGHT + +Pshaw, that’s too bad. + +SHE-ANGLE + +But I don’t know what you mean! + +PLAYWRIGHT + +Why, don’t you see? If he had something, he’d be bound to die at the +right moment--which is now. Sort of an unwritten law among husbands, +you know. They always do. They’re bound to in such cases as this--if +everything else fails. + +SHE-ANGLE + +Well, he won’t. + +HE-ANGLE + +No, he’s healthy as a fool! Besides, he wouldn’t have the decency. + +SHE-ANGLE + +He would! He would die, if he could. I know he would! + +HE-ANGLE + +He wouldn’t! He’s too mean! + +SHE-ANGLE + +He isn’t! Besides, I don’t want him to die. + +HE-ANGLE + +Who said you did? + +SHE-ANGLE + +You did! + +HE-ANGLE + +I didn’t! + +SHE-ANGLE + +You _did_! You _did_! You _did_! + +HE-ANGLE + +Oh, well! + +PLAYWRIGHT + +Come now, this isn’t getting us anywhere. We’re not through yet. +There’s still another chance. + + HE-ANGLE } + SHE-ANGLE } (_together_) + +What is it? + +PLAYWRIGHT + +Hire a yacht! + +SHE-ANGLE + +A yacht? + +PLAYWRIGHT + +Of course. Hire a yacht and get shipwrecked. + +SHE-ANGLE + +Oh! + +HE-ANGLE + +Get shipwrecked? + +PLAYWRIGHT + +Of course. Hire a yacht and go to the South Sea Islands--Fiji will do. +Get shipwrecked--it’s very easy to manage. Then, out there, under the +open sky and the stars--nature will tell. + +SHE-ANGLE + +Nature will tell? + +PLAYWRIGHT + +Why, yes. You’ll fight--you (_to_ HE-ANGLE) and he. Let the best man +win! You’ll win--unless you lose. In either case--(_To_ SHE-ANGLE.) In +either case you’ll be satisfied. If your husband wins, you’ll find that +all along you wanted your husband to win. (_Indicating_ HE-ANGLE.) If +he wins, you’ll be happy to know that the man destiny picked for you +won. It’s a fine place, the South Seas. You’re always satisfied. + +SHE-ANGLE + +But I don’t want to go to the South Seas! + +HE-ANGLE + +Neither do I. It’s too lonely. + +PLAYWRIGHT + +Ah, no! It isn’t lonely any more. The South Seas have become very +popular with the people who want to read their Ten Favorite Books and +who never would read them anywhere else. You’d not be lonely--if you +enjoy Shakespeare and Walt Whitman. + +SHE-ANGLE + +I hate Shakespeare, and I hate Walt Whitman! I won’t go! A fortune +teller once told me I’d die by drowning, and I won’t go aboard a ship! + +PLAYWRIGHT + +Not even to Europe? + +SHE-ANGLE + +Not even to Europe. + +PLAYWRIGHT + +How vulgar! (_He walks toward off stage._) Good day! + +SHE-ANGLE + +What, are you going? + +PLAYWRIGHT + +Yes, I’m going. What do you expect me to do? Stay here and be insulted? + +HE-ANGLE + +Be insulted? + +PLAYWRIGHT + +Yes, be insulted. When you sent for me, I thought you would follow my +advice. I have more to give, but I refuse to have my ideas laughed at. +They’ve always been successful before--they still are in a thousand +cases. But you think you’re too good, and your husband is too damn +healthy, and yourself too superstitious. Good day. + +(_He lifts his hat and passes out right. Both_ HE-ANGLE _and_ SHE-ANGLE +_look disconsolately after him_.) + +SHE-ANGLE + +Well? + +HE-ANGLE + +I didn’t say anything. + +SHE-ANGLE + +Oh! + +(_Pause._) + +HE-ANGLE + +I told you so! + +SHE-ANGLE + +What did you tell me? + +HE-ANGLE + +That a fool playwright wouldn’t be any help. + +SHE-ANGLE + +You didn’t! + +HE-ANGLE + +I did! Now if you’d followed my plan in the first place! + +SHE-ANGLE + +You didn’t have any plan. + +HE-ANGLE + +I did. You know I did. My friend, the Poet. If you’d only sent for +him--He’d be able to help us. A poet’s got imagination. That’s what we +need--imagination. He’s got it--my friend, the Poet. + +SHE-ANGLE + +Why didn’t _you_ send for him? + +HE-ANGLE + +I did, even if you wouldn’t. I asked him to come, and he said he’d be +right over. + +SHE-ANGLE + +Well, why didn’t he come? + +HE-ANGLE + +He’d been here long ago if it hadn’t been for that fool of a +playwright. I never liked playwrights anyway. Poets for me every time. +They’re so practical. + +SHE-ANGLE + +Well, why doesn’t he come? + +HE-ANGLE + +He probably is here; no doubt he’s been here all the time that fool +Playwright was here, only I didn’t want to have them meet. They don’t +hitch very well, Poets and Playwrights. At least any more. (_He looks +toward_ PROLOGUE.) Is the Poet here? + +(_The_ PROLOGUE _looks off stage right_.) + +PROLOGUE + +Yes, the Poet is here. + +HE-ANGLE + +Send him in. + +PROLOGUE + +I beg your pardon! I’m a Prologue--not a butler. However, I’ll call him +if you insist. But please address me more respectfully in the future. + +HE-ANGLE + +I beg your pardon, Prologue. Please call the Poet. + +PROLOGUE (_beckoning off stage right_) + +Poet. + +(_Enter_ POET _from right. He is fat, bald, and of a rosy complexion._) + +POET + +Hullo! + +HE-ANGLE (_getting off stool_) + +Hullo! (_Turns to_ SHE-ANGLE.) May I introduce Poet? + +SHE-ANGLE (_bowing stiffly_) + +How do you do! + +(_She is not a bit impressed._) + +POET + +You sent for me? + +HE-ANGLE + +Yes. As I explained in my letter, we want advice on how to solve our +triangle. + +POET + +But I’m a Poet. I always was rotten at mathematics. + +HE-ANGLE + +But this is not a mathematical triangle. (_He gets back on stool._) You +see (_indicating_ SHE-ANGLE), we’re angles. + +POET + +Oh, I see! (_To_ SHE-ANGLE.) He’s complimentary, eh, what? Haw! + +(SHE-ANGLE _sniffs, very much upstage, at the pun_.) + +HE-ANGLE + +We need your advice. Imagination! It’s going to take imagination to get +us out of this mess. That’s why I sent for you. + +POET + +Thank you. Well, then, what have you done? + +HE-ANGLE + +Nothing. + +SHE-ANGLE + +A Playwright tried to help us, but-- + +POET + +But couldn’t. Of course! Tawdry stuff, I suppose. I know just about +what he would suggest. It goes well enough on the stage, but it isn’t +art. + +SHE-ANGLE + +Ah! Art! + +POET + +Of course. You want to be artistic, don’t you? + +SHE-ANGLE (_beginning to melt_) + +Yes. Oh, yes! + +POET + +H’m. + +(_Pause._) + +HE-ANGLE + +Well? + +POET + +I didn’t say anything. + +SHE-ANGLE + +Oh! + +(_Pause._) + +POET + +There’s really not much to be done. It’s all so simple, really, and all +so artistic. Poetry! I tell you there’s poetry there. + + HE-ANGLE } + SHE-ANGLE } (_together_) + +Where? + +POET + +There. + + HE-ANGLE } + SHE-ANGLE } (_together_) + +Oh! + +POET + +Yes, there’s poetry there, and art. It’s so artistic to suffer. + +SHE-ANGLE + +To suffer? + +POET + +Yes, so artistic. A sacrifice on the altar of living love. Oh, divine +sacrifice! Oh, the beauty and the art of suffering! + +HE-ANGLE + +Say, I don’t get all that you’re raving about, but if you have the +idea that we aren’t suffering, you’re way off. We are. And it may be +artistic, but it’s damn uncomfortable. + +POET + +Uncomfortable. Yes. So artistic. The altar of living love. Purple love, +deep, mystic, fragrant, yes. So uncomfortable, but so beautiful. + +SHE-ANGLE + +But I thought you would be able to help us. + +POET + +Ah, I am able. So able! Already I have envisioned your life. So heroic! +So hopeless! + +HE-ANGLE + +Hopeless? + +POET + +Yes. Two lives sacrificed on the altar of living, hopeless love. +Deathless love, fragrant and so purple! + +HE-ANGLE + +Come out of it and explain all this nonsense to us! Can you help us +escape from this awful three-cornered prison? + +POET + +Ah, yes, three-cornered. The three-cornered prison of love! Fetters +forged in the vermillion fire of love. No blue flame to love, but deep +vermillion girandoles of passion! So vermillion! + +SHE-ANGLE (_she has stood it as long as she can_) + +He’s mad! + +POET (_starting up_) + +What? + +HE-ANGLE + +I sent for you, thinking that with your imagination you would be able +to help us. But it seems that you’ve got too much imagination. Have you +any suggestion or haven’t you? + +POET + +Why, of course I have. Haven’t I been telling you all along? + +SHE-ANGLE + +Well, how am I to get rid of my husband? + +POET + +Ah, madam. You’ll not do that. Ah, no! So comfortable but so inartistic. + +SHE-ANGLE + +Not get rid of him! But what shall I do? + +POET + +Live. Madam, live--a living sacrifice on the altar of a living love! + +SHE-ANGLE + +You mean--? You don’t mean--? + +POET + +Yes. + +HE-ANGLE + +But where do I come in? + +POET + +Ah, my boy. That is it. You, too, can suffer so beautifully. Eternally! +Love is eternity. Love her, my boy, and suffer from afar. + +HE-ANGLE + +Not marry her? + +POET + +No, no! Not marry her! That would not be art. You must deny your love, +lock it in your heart and go. + +HE-ANGLE + +Go where? + +POET + +That doesn’t matter. Just go. In your heart a love denied. So denied! + +HE-ANGLE + +But I’m not going. I’m going---- + +POET + +But I thought you said you weren’t. + +HE-ANGLE + +I’m going to marry her! + +POET + +No! Good Lord, no! Anything but that. Seal up your hearts with the +seals of eternity and deny your love. There only is Poetry! There only +is Art! Seal up your hearts, I say. But don’t marry. + +SHE-ANGLE + +I will marry him! + +POET + +You, too! Think of it. Why, you are spoiling your great opportunity of +sacrificing yourself on the altar of deathless love. You may be _sung_, +if you seal your hearts; but marry, and you’ll go and have children. +Ugh! + +SHE-ANGLE + +I love children. + +POET + +Ugh! Deny your purple love, and suffer the eternal pangs of deathless, +hopeless yearning. I’ll sing you. Why, I’ve already thought of two new +rhymes for love and a beautiful simile. Think of it. Deny your love and +have your story told to the world in similes! + +SHE-ANGLE + +I hate similes! + +POET + +So heroic! So beautiful! So deathless to deny a hopeless love. Beside +it the human sacrifices of golden Chichen-Itza were pale and anemic. +I’m holding out to you the straw of immortality. + +SHE-ANGLE + +I don’t want to be immortal. I want children. + +POET + +Oh, well. Then have your children. But don’t, in the name of art and +beauty, don’t have legitimate children. Legitimate children are so +prosy. A poet can’t sing of them. + +SHE-ANGLE (_feeling her cheeks_) + +Oh! Oh! Why, the idea! + +HE-ANGLE + +Come, now, that’s going a bit too far! I don’t think you can help us. +In fact, I think everything you’ve said about the most ridiculous +rubbish I ever heard. + +POET + +Rubbish! Fool! Fools! (_He stalks toward left._) I’m through with you. +Love your damn heads off and marry and have children, dozens of them. I +hope they’re all cross-eyed! Fools! + +(_He goes off left angrily_, HE-ANGLE _and_ SHE-ANGLE _sit on their +stools, a picture of resentment and outraged respectability_.) + +SHE-ANGLE + +I told you so. + +HE-ANGLE + +What did you tell me? + +SHE-ANGLE + +I knew he couldn’t help us. A poet! He’s no poet. Fat and bald. Ugh! +I think he ought to be arrested as an impostor. Why, the idea of his +talking about illegit--about--ah--children! + +HE-ANGLE + +And I thought he was a friend of mine! I always liked poetry, too. + +SHE-ANGLE + +Deny our love! Live and suffer! I don’t believe he knows what love is. +Or life either. And then those--children! + +(_She feels her cheeks again. Pause while both sit thoughtfully._) + +HE-ANGLE + +Well? + +SHE-ANGLE + +I didn’t say anything. + +HE-ANGLE + +Oh! + +(_Pause._) + +SHE-ANGLE + +But what are we to _do_? + +HE-ANGLE + +I don’t know. This is an awful mess. Maybe Poet is right and we’ll have +to go on as we are--just angles. + +SHE-ANGLE + +He isn’t right! and I won’t go on just being an angle. + +HE-ANGLE + +But what are we going to do? + +SHE-ANGLE + +I’m sure I don’t know--yet. But we’ll find a way. + +(_Pause while they both seem to concentrate._) + +SHE-ANGLE + +I have it! + +HE-ANGLE + +What? + +SHE-ANGLE + +Why didn’t we think of it before? + +HE-ANGLE + +What? + +SHE-ANGLE + +Why, Prologue! Why don’t we ask Prologue? + +HE-ANGLE + +That’s right. Why didn’t we? + +SHE-ANGLE + +Oh, Prologue! + +(PROLOGUE, _who has been leaning half asleep on his trumpet, turns to +the_ ANGLES.) + +PROLOGUE + +Yes? + +SHE-ANGLE + +We want your help. We need your advice. + +PROLOGUE + +Oh, no! + +SHE-ANGLE + +What do you mean? + +PROLOGUE + +I mean you’re not going to drag me into this mess. I’m a Prologue and +don’t know anything about Angles--any more than I do about playing this +trumpet We Prologues have a lot to contend with these days. They make +us do all sorts of things--even to shifting scenery at times. But so +far they have kept us out of scandals, and I’m not going to start in, +as old as I am, getting into such scrapes. + +SHE-ANGLE + +But, Prologue, we don’t want you to get into any scrapes. We only want +you to give us advice on how to solve the triangle. + +PROLOGUE + +Oh, yes, that’s all you want me to do. But say, haven’t I seen plays +before? Haven’t I seen innocent bystanders dragged into such messes +as this, even into the divorce courts, just because of a little good +advice given at the wrong time. + +SHE-ANGLE + +But this is the right time. + +PROLOGUE + +How can I be sure of that? Besides, as I said before, I’m the Prologue +and not an information bureau or ways and means committee. + +(_He turns back to the side of the proscenium where he has been +standing._) + +HE-ANGLE + +Don’t give us any advice, Prologue. But haven’t you any suggestions? + +PROLOGUE + +No!--Why, yes, I’ll give you a suggestion. Why don’t you try the +audience? + +HE-ANGLE + +The--the audience? + +PROLOGUE + +Yes. Why don’t you try them? Maybe there is a novelist among them. + +SHE-ANGLE + +Oh, fine! Maybe there is! Ask them, Prologue, do! I know an Author can +help us! + +PROLOGUE (_turning to audience_) + +Is there an Author in the audience? (_Pause._) A Novelist? + +AUTHOR (_rising somewhere in the audience_) + +Yes. I’m a Novelist. (_He comes forward._) I’ve been thinking it +was about time some one with a little brains took a hand in these +proceedings. I’ll be glad to help you. + +PROLOGUE + +Come right up, Author. + +(AUTHOR _goes up on the stage_.) + +PROLOGUE (_to_ ANGLES) + +Here is your Author. + +(_Turns back to his original post._) + +AUTHOR + +You know, I feel very sorry for you people, not because of the mess +you’re in but because of the way you tried to get out of it. + +HE-ANGLE + +What do you mean? + +AUTHOR + +Why, calling on a playwright and a poet. What good did you ever think +they could possibly do you? I’m suspicious of them, particularly +playwrights. I once had a novel, one of my best, adapted for the +stage. (_He throws up his hands._) You should have seen it when that +playwright got through with it! I wouldn’t have recognized it myself. +Only the title remained the same. + +SHE-ANGLE + +But they’re usually very good in triangles. + +AUTHOR (_sniffing_) + +Oh, yes. They know how to invent them, but they fail utterly in solving +them satisfactorily. Why, not so long ago a very prominent playwright +put two triangles together and tried to pass it off as a circle, but +they remained triangles. It might be good dialogue, but it’s poor +mathematics. + +HE-ANGLE + +Do you think you can help us? + +AUTHOR + +My boy, I’m sure of it. Of course, it’s largely up to you. If you’re +willing to take sound advice, I know I can help you. I’ve solved many +triangles in my time. That’s the kind of novel I have always written, +and I always see to it that there’s a good moral attached. So do you +feel it safe to listen to me? + +SHE-ANGLE + +Oh, yes! (_To_ HE-ANGLE.) I’m sure he’s going to be able to help us! + +AUTHOR + +Now then. The first thing you’re to do is to send for your husband and +tell him all about it. + +SHE-ANGLE + +Tell him! Oh, I can’t do that! + +AUTHOR + +Yes, you must tell him. Now twenty years ago you would not have +been able to do that, but now--all is different. Twenty years ago +it would have meant a duel or a murder. To-day, however, husbands +are different. I suppose we novelists are really responsible for the +change. Realism has done it. Realism has made men realize that man +and wife are two separate and individual entities. The wife, man now +realizes, has a right to lead her own life as she chooses. And he +accepts it. Realism has done it! + +SHE-ANGLE + +But my husband doesn’t. + +AUTHOR + +Doesn’t what? + +SHE-ANGLE + +Accept it. He doesn’t believe it. He wouldn’t allow it! + +AUTHOR + +But how do you know unless you try him? I am willing to stake my +reputation as a Novelist that he would be amenable to argument. + +SHE-ANGLE + +But he hates arguments. I never could even argue with him over the +price of a hat. + +AUTHOR + +Besides, perhaps he, too, is tired. + +SHE-ANGLE + +Tired of what? + +AUTHOR + +Of--of marriage. + +SHE-ANGLE + +Oh! of marriage. Of me, you mean? + +AUTHOR + +That is putting it very bluntly. But, since you put it that way--yes. + +SHE-ANGLE (_turning to_ HE-ANGLE) + +Oh! + +HE-ANGLE + +See here! What are you trying to insinuate? + +AUTHOR + +I’m not trying to insinuate anything. My dear man, I am simply +appealing to your sense of justice. It is not unreasonable to conceive +of a mutual feeling of surfeit arising in man and wife. That has +frequently been the case, as you will realize if you read the popular +novel. We novelists were among the first to recognize it. It will soon +be put on the stage. + +SHE-ANGLE + +I’m sure he isn’t tired of me. + +AUTHOR + +Of you--probably not. But of marriage and its restrictions--yes, +perhaps. + +HE-ANGLE + +But, suppose he were tired of marriage. What good would all this be? + +AUTHOR + +You should be able to come to some arrangement. Divorce, perhaps. + +SHE-ANGLE + +I hate divorce! It’s so vulgar! + +AUTHOR + +Oh, not any more. It’s really very smart. + +SHE-ANGLE + +I don’t like it! + +AUTHOR + +Well, I don’t know how you’re going to get out of this mess if you +won’t listen to divorce. There’s no chance of your husband’s dying you +told the playwright. There are only two other ways out. + +SHE-ANGLE + +And what are they? + +AUTHOR + +Murder and free love. I don’t suppose you’ll commit murder? + +SHE-ANGLE (_shrinking_) + +Oh, no! Murder my husband! + +AUTHOR + +It’s not so very bad. Really, murder may be so committed that it is +neither vulgar nor sinful. + +SHE-ANGLE + +Not sinful! + +AUTHOR + +Of course not. Murder is not necessarily sinful. It is held to be so +only as a matter of convenience and because people have a naïve way +of speaking of one’s having a right to live. After all, no one has +any real right except to die. Murder is not considered sinful even by +so-called moralists if it be done for a patriotic reason as in war. To +ease your conscience, then, can’t you think of a patriotic reason why +your husband should die? Does he obey the laws? + +SHE-ANGLE + +Why, yes, I think so. At least as much as any one does. But let’s not +discuss that. I won’t murder him and I won’t have him murdered! + +AUTHOR + +Well then. Free love? + +SHE-ANGLE + +But that certainly is sinful! + +AUTHOR + +Oh, no! How old-fashioned you are! + +SHE-ANGLE + +Well, I don’t care if I am old-fashioned. I’m not going to do anything +that my conscience says is wrong! + +AUTHOR + +Well, all I have to say is that you’re a queer pair. You’ve been +unconventional enough to go and fall in love. That does not seem to +you to be wrong, but you balk at divorce, murder, and free love. I’m +sure I don’t see any help for you. What you need is not a Novelist or a +Playwright or a Poet, but a Psychiatrist. Good day! + +(_He goes out at left._) + +SHE-ANGLE + +What a disagreeable man! + +HE-ANGLE + +Realism did it! + +SHE-ANGLE + +I don’t believe he’s much of an Author. + +HE-ANGLE + +Trash is all he writes, probably. + +SHE-ANGLE + +Free love! + +HE-ANGLE + +Murder! + +(_An_ ACTRESS _rises somewhere in the audience_.) + +ACTRESS + +Let me help you! + +SHE-ANGLE + +Who is that? + +ACTRESS (_coming toward stage_) + +I know I can help you if you’ll let me. I know just how you feel. + +(PROLOGUE _assists her to the stage_.) + +PROLOGUE + +And your name? + +ACTRESS + +I’m an Actress. + +PROLOGUE (_to_ SHE-ANGLE) + +She’s an Actress. + +SHE-ANGLE (_to_ HE-ANGLE) + +She’s an Actress. + +HE-ANGLE + +An Actress! + +ACTRESS (_going to_ SHE-ANGLE _at once sympathetic and patronizing and +always fully realizing that she is going to have an opportunity to hold +the center of the stage_:) + +You poor dear, I know how you feel. I know. + +SHE-ANGLE + +I’ve suffered much. + +ACTRESS + +I know. I know. + +HE-ANGLE + +Can you help us? + +ACTRESS (_turning to him; every movement is deliberate, studied_) + +Yes. + +HE-ANGLE + +I’m sure you can. + +ACTRESS + +Yes. + +SHE-ANGLE + +My husband, you know-- + +ACTRESS + +I know. + +SHE-ANGLE + +How can you help us? + +ACTRESS + +Ah, you must be deft. You must be subtle. But not too subtle. + +SHE-ANGLE + +But, go on! + +ACTRESS + +It is all so very simple. First you must decide what you want. Do you +want to marry your lover? + +SHE-ANGLE + +Yes. + +ACTRESS + +Do you want that most of all? + +SHE-ANGLE + +Yes, most of all. + +ACTRESS + +Then you must realize there is only one solution--divorce. As the +Author says it is very smart. It is not vulgar unless the husband gets +it. If the wife gets it, divorce is quite all right. Of course, murder +is all right if you’re a tragedienne. Are you a tragedienne? + +SHE-ANGLE + +I can’t act! + +ACTRESS + +Then it must be divorce and you must be the one to obtain it. That is +very simple. Your husband loves you? Yes? + +SHE-ANGLE + +I’m sure of it! + +ACTRESS + +Yes. I know! Yes, your husband loves you. You must, however, show him +that your love for him has died, that you love another and that you +must either marry this other man or be his mistress. + +SHE-ANGLE + +Oh! + +ACTRESS + +I know how you feel. I know. + +SHE-ANGLE + +But I can’t do that! + +ACTRESS + +Oh, yes, you can. You must only be deft. You must act. You must show +him how you suffer. + +SHE-ANGLE + +But how? + +ACTRESS + +I shall show you. We shall have a rehearsal now. I shall be you, and +your lover will be your husband. You must watch me carefully. Then you +do as I do. + +SHE-ANGLE + +Ah, I see. + +ACTRESS (_going up toward_ HE-ANGLE) + +I shall call him John. It need not be his name, but it will do +in rehearsal. Besides, I like simple names in emotional scenes. +Monosyllables are best. They’re so tense when used alone. (_Turning +again toward_ HE-ANGLE.) You must help me now. I want you to do just +the things and say the things you would if you were really John. John! + +HE-ANGLE + +Yes, dear. + +ACTRESS + +I have something to say to you, John dear. + +HE-ANGLE + +Yes, dear? + +(ACTRESS _sits on stool beside_ HE-ANGLE. _She sits impassive, tense._) + +ACTRESS + +Won’t you sit down? + +(HE-ANGLE _sits_.) + +ACTRESS + +How long have we been married, John? + +HE-ANGLE + +Why, five years, dear. Why? + +ACTRESS + +We’ve been very happy, haven’t we, John? + +HE-ANGLE + +I don’t know what you mean! + +ACTRESS + +We’ve been happy, haven’t we? That is all. + +HE-ANGLE + +Yes, dear. But-- + +ACTRESS + +You’ve loved me, John? + +HE-ANGLE + +Always. + +ACTRESS + +You still love me, John? + +(HE-ANGLE _wavers a little. He feels that this is getting a bit deep._) + +ACTRESS + +Don’t be bashful. Remember this is only a rehearsal. Put your arms +around me and kiss me. John would. + +(HE-ANGLE _is not unwilling, but the presence of_ SHE-ANGLE _disturbs +him somewhat, particularly as the latter is beginning to lose interest +in the technical side of the rehearsal and to resent the liberties the_ +ACTRESS _is taking with her lover_.) + +ACTRESS + +Do as I say or I can’t go on. Do you still love me, John? + +HE-ANGLE (_taking her in his arms with a mixture of contentment and +apprehension, he kisses her_) + +There, dear. Does that answer your question? + +ACTRESS + +I’m afraid it does. + +HE-ANGLE + +Afraid? + +ACTRESS + +Yes, John, afraid. + +HE-ANGLE (_in the spirit of the play_) + +But why do you say that? + +ACTRESS + +Oh, John. I don’t know how I can ever tell you. + +HE-ANGLE + +Tell me what? + +ACTRESS (_parenthetically_) + +Oh, you’re doing fine. Tell you that-- + +HE-ANGLE + +Yes? + +ACTRESS + +Oh, John, I no longer love you! + +HE-ANGLE + +What? + +ACTRESS + +Oh, John. It’s true. Kill me! Do anything with me! I don’t deserve your +love! I’m unworthy of you. Kill me! + +HE-ANGLE + +You don’t love me! + +ACTRESS + +Kill me. Oh, John, it’s too true, too terribly true. Would to God I had +died before I met you. Then you would be saved this. Kill me, John! + +HE-ANGLE (_putting his hands firmly on her shoulders and looking her in +the eyes_) + +What do you mean? + +ACTRESS (_hanging her head_) + +Oh, John, you’re making it very hard for me. I--I love another. + +HE-ANGLE + +You’re not telling me the truth! + +ACTRESS + +I never was more serious in my life, John. + +HE-ANGLE + +You love another! + +ACTRESS + +I don’t know why I’m telling you all this. + +HE-ANGLE + +You love another! + +ACTRESS + +But I love you, too. Honestly, I love you. But in a different sort of +way. I’ll always love you, John. You’ve been so fair to me. + +HE-ANGLE (_taking her suddenly in his arms and kissing her +passionately_) + +It’s a lie. Darling, say it’s a lie! + +(_He kisses her again._ SHE-ANGLE _does not like it. She jumps to her +feet._) + +SHE-ANGLE (_coldly_) + +That will do! + +(HE-ANGLE _and_ ACTRESS _both turn toward her_.) + +SHE-ANGLE + +That will be enough. + +ACTRESS + +But we’re not nearly through yet! + +SHE-ANGLE + +That is what I was afraid of. But I do not think I require any more +instruction. I have learned much already. + +ACTRESS + +But what about the rest? + +SHE-ANGLE + +There isn’t going to be any rest. + +ACTRESS + +What do you mean? + +SHE-ANGLE + +I mean that I am quite capable of settling my domestic problems without +any assistance from the theatrical profession. + +ACTRESS + +Why! Why! + +SHE-ANGLE + +I know. I know. + +ACTRESS + +Of all the insults! Goodness knows, I didn’t want to interfere in your +business. + +SHE-ANGLE + +Well, no one asked you to! + +ACTRESS + +You did. You appealed to the audience. + +SHE-ANGLE + +I didn’t! All I asked of the audience was a Novelist. I didn’t ask for +a chorus girl. + +ACTRESS + +A chorus girl! I’ll have you sued for slander, you silly, ignorant +doll, you. A chorus girl! You free-lover! You, you mistress! + +(ACTRESS _stalks off right_.) + +HE-ANGLE + +I don’t see why you did that! + +SHE-ANGLE (_sarcastically_) + +No, of course you don’t. Certainly not! + +HE-ANGLE + +She isn’t a chorus girl. + +SHE-ANGLE + +How do you know she isn’t? + +HE-ANGLE + +Well, I just know. She didn’t look like one, for one thing. + +SHE-ANGLE (_too agreeable_) + +I thought she did, but I see I was mistaken. I shall not argue with an +authority. + +HE-ANGLE + +What do you mean? + +SHE-ANGLE + +I dare say you know a great deal about chorus girls, and--and +actresses. I can readily see that you are very familiar with the looks +and actions of that kind of people. I understand perfectly now how you +were able to carry your part so well, I-- + +HE-ANGLE + +Stop! + +SHE-ANGLE + +I shall not stop! What right have you to tell me to stop? As I was +saying before you so rudely lost your temper, I quite realize that in +all probability it was not your first scene with an Actress. + +HE-ANGLE + +I say--! + +SHE-ANGLE + +You have said quite enough. Quite too much, in fact. It is all very +plain to me that your intimacy with chorus girls and soubrettes has +stood you in good stead to-day. I am glad to have learned that before I +took some rash step. I am very glad to be able to say that whatever may +be my husband’s faults, he has never frequented stage doors. + +HE-ANGLE + +What in Heaven’s name has come over you? Are you insane? + +SHE-ANGLE + +That’s right! Call me names. Strike me! That is all there is left to do! + +HE-ANGLE (_he goes up to her and makes her face him_) + +You know everything you have said is damned foolishness. You know you +had no basis for such a scene. + +SHE-ANGLE (_in a rage_) + +No basis! No basis! To see you take another woman, a painted woman +probably from a burlesque chorus, to see you take her into your arms, +burning with passion, your eyes dilated, your cheeks flushed, your +whole being mad with unholy love. No basis, do you say? To see you do +that while still my lover! What would it be if you were married to +me--if you were my husband! Oh, I have been blind! I have a husband +who has at least the grace to carry on his amours behind my back, if +he does carry on any. And I would have changed him for you! Oh, I have +been blind! Go! + +HE-ANGLE + +But-- + +SHE-ANGLE + +Go! Go! Do not stay another moment! Here comes my husband. I hear him +outside. If you don’t go I shall have him kill you. + +HE-ANGLE + +Darling-- + +SHE-ANGLE + +Don’t use that word to me! Go! + +HE-ANGLE + +You must listen. + +SHE-ANGLE + +I shall scream! + +(_The_ HUSBAND-ANGLE _enters_.) + +HUSBAND-ANGLE + +Hello, Darling. (_To_ HE-ANGLE.) How are you? + +SHE-ANGLE + +He’s just hurrying away--to meet the dearest actress in the world who +has been here to call. + +(HE-ANGLE _gives her an ugly look_.) + +HE-ANGLE + +Good-by. + +SHE-ANGLE (_too sweet_) + +Good-by! + +HUSBAND-ANGLE + +Good-by. + +(HE-ANGLE _goes_.) + +HUSBAND-ANGLE + +I’ve got two seats for a good show to-night, dear. It’s a problem play. +Wonderful actress. + +SHE-ANGLE (_kisses him_) + +Oh, you darling! I love actresses. + + +CURTAIN + +(PROLOGUE _gathers his trumpet sleepily under his arm. He has been half +asleep during the later action of the play. He looks at the audience in +some confusion and starts to go through the curtains._) + +PROLOGUE + +I’ve got to hurry or I’ll be an Epilogue. That wasn’t so hard to +settle, was it? Thank you. + +(_He goes within the curtains._) + + +THE END + + + + +_Longer Dramas from Appleton’s List_ + + +THE SEA WOMAN’S CLOAK and NOVEMBER EVE + +_By Amélie Rives (Princess Troubetzkoy)_ + +Out of the legends and folklore of Ireland and her own particular +fantasy she has made two plays as Irish as anything of Yeats’s, +Synge’s, Lady Gregory’s. As individual. As enchanting. + +=The Sea Woman’s Cloak= (3 m. 3 w. and others.). =November Eve= (8 m. 8 +w. and others.). $2.00. + + +MARCH HARES + +_By Harry Wagstaff Gribble_ + +A satire in three acts. First presented in New York at the Bijou +Theatre, later at the Punch and Judy in the summer of 1921, later +revived at the Little Theatre. “It offers,” says _Heywood Broun_, “some +of the most agile dialogue that our theatre has known and reveals its +author as the possessor of a rare gift for nonsense. And his nonsense +is not just for the sheer trick of the thing, but molded with satirical +intent.” _New York Evening Telegram_: “A delightful work, as good as +Oscar Wilde at his best, sharply defined, brilliant, and deliciously +amusing.” $2.00. + + +GOAT ALLEY + +_By Ernest Howard Culbertson_ + +_Introduction by Ludwig Lewisohn_ + +A drama of Negro life in three acts. First presented at the Bijou +Theatre, New York City, in June, 1921. (7 m. 4 w.). _New York Tribune_: +“A stunning tragedy. In the characterization there are fine perception +and vivid writing. There is heartbreak in this play.” _Oakland +Tribune_: “Splendidly and heroically written. A play to meditate over.” +$1.75. + + +THE SUN CHASER + +_By Jeannette Marks_ + +_Author of “Three Welsh Plays”_ + +The search for happiness is the theme of this play, which is both +realistic and--in the poignant figure of Ambrose Clark, who drunkenly, +lamely chases the sun--subtly symbolic (11 m. 3 w. 4 g. 1 b.). _John +Barrymore_: “I have read ‘The Sun Chaser.’ I think it has great beauty +and a curious sense of mood and imminent vague things. I also think it +brilliantly characterized.” $1.75. + + + D. APPLETON AND COMPANY PUBLISHERS + + + + +TRANSCRIBER’S NOTES + + +Page 37: exclamation mark added after “I no longer love you”. + +Due to technical reasons, a symbol on the title page could not be +reproduced in this text edition. It is represented in this edition as +“¤”. + +Hyphenation of “three-cornered” normalised. + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 78266 *** |
