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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Attache; or, Sam Slick in England (V2)
+by Thomas Chandler Haliburton
+#4 in our series by Thomas Chandler Haliburton
+
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+Title: The Attache; or, Sam Slick in England (V2)
+
+Author: Thomas Chandler Haliburton
+
+Release Date: April, 2005 [EBook #7822]
+[Yes, we are more than one year ahead of schedule]
+[This file was first posted on May 19, 2003]
+
+Edition: 10
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE ATTACHE (V2) ***
+
+
+
+
+This etext was produced by Gardner Buchanan.
+
+
+
+
+
+THE ATTACHE; OR,
+SAM SLICK IN ENGLAND.
+
+BY THOMAS CHANDLER HALIBURTON.
+
+IN TWO VOLUMES.
+
+VOL. II.
+
+
+
+
+CONTENTS OF THE SECOND VOLUME.
+
+CHAPTER I.    THE NOSE OF A SPY
+CHAPTER II.   THE PATRON; OR, THE COW'S TAIL
+CHAPTER III.  ASCOT RACES
+CHAPTER IV.   THE GANDER PULLING
+CHAPTER V.    THE BLACK STOLE
+CHAPTER VI.   THE PRINCE DE JOINVILLE'S HORSE
+CHAPTER VII.  LIFE IN THE COUNTRY
+CHAPTER VIII. BUNKUM
+CHAPTER IX.   THROWING THE LAVENDER
+CHAPTER X.    AIMING HIGH
+CHAPTER XI.   A SWOI-REE
+CHAPTER XII.  TATTERSALL'S
+CHAPTER XIII. LOOKING BACK
+CHAPTER XIV.  CROSSING THE BORDER
+CHAPTER XV.   THE IRISH PREFACE
+
+
+
+
+THE ATTACHE; OR SAM SLICK IN ENGLAND.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER I.
+
+THE NOSE OF A SPY
+
+"Squire." said Mr. Hopewell, "you know Sam well enough,
+I hope, to make all due allowances for the exuberance of
+his fancy. The sketch he has just given you of London
+society, like the novels of the present day, though
+founded on fact, is very unlike the reality. There may
+be assemblages of persons in this great city, and no
+doubt there are, quite as insipid and absurd as the one
+he has just pourtrayed; but you must not suppose it is
+at all a fair specimen of the society of this place. My
+own experience is quite the reverse. I think it the most
+refined, the most agreeable, and the most instructive in
+the world. Whatever your favourite study or pursuit may
+be, here you are sure to find well-informed and enthusiastic
+associates. If you have merit, it is appreciated; and
+for an aristocratic country, that merit places you on a
+level with your superiors in rank in a manner that is
+quite incomprehensible to a republican. Money is the
+great leveller of distinctions with us; here, it is
+talent. Fashion spreads many tables here, but talent is
+always found seated at the best, if it thinks proper to
+comply with certain usages, without which, even genius
+ceases to be attractive.
+
+"On some future occasion, I will enter more at large on
+this subject; but now it is too late; I have already
+exceeded my usual hour for retiring. Excuse me. Sam.
+said he. 'I know you will not be offended with me, but
+Squire there are some subjects on which Sam may amuse,
+but cannot instruct you, and one is, fashionable life in
+London. You must judge for yourself, Sir. Good night,
+my children."
+
+Mr. Slick rose, and opened the door for him, and as he
+passed, bowed and held out his hand. "Remember me, your
+honour, no man opens the door in this country without
+being paid for it. Remember me, Sir."
+
+"True, Sam," said the Minister, "and it is unlucky that
+it does not extend to opening the mouth, if it did, you
+would soon make your fortune, for you can't keep yours
+shut. Good night."
+
+The society to which I have subsequently had the good
+fortune to be admitted, fully justifies the eulogium of
+Mr. Hopewell. Though many persons can write well, few
+can talk well; but the number of those who excel in
+conversation is much greater in certain circles in London,
+than in any other place. By talking well, I do not mean
+talking wisely or learnedly; but agreeably, for relaxation
+and pleasure, are the principal objects of social
+assemblies. This can only be illustrated by instancing
+some very remarkable persons, who are the pride and
+pleasure of every table they honour and delight with
+their presence But this may not be. For obvious reasons,
+I could not do it if I would; and most assuredly, I would
+not do it if I could. No more certain mode could be
+devised of destroying conversation, than by showing, that
+when the citadel is unguarded, the approach of a friend
+is as unsafe as that of an enemy.
+
+Alas! poor Hook! who can read the unkind notice of thee
+in a late periodical, and not feel, that on some occasions
+you must have admitted to your confidence men who were
+as unworthy of that distinction as, they were incapable
+of appreciating it, and that they who will disregard the
+privileges of a table, will not hesitate to violate even
+the sanctity of the tomb. Cant may talk of your "_inter
+pocula_" errors with pious horror; and pretension, now
+that its indulgence is safe, may affect to disclaim your
+acquaintance; but kinder, and better, and truer men than
+those who furnished your biographer with his facts will
+not fail to recollect your talents with pride, and your
+wit and your humour with wonder and delight.
+
+We do not require such flagrant examples as these to
+teach us our duty, but they are not without their use in
+increasing our caution.
+
+When Mr. Hopewell withdrew, Mr. Slick observed:
+
+"Ain't that ere old man a trump? He is always in the
+right place. Whenever you want to find him, jist go and
+look for him where he ought to be, and there you will
+find him as sure as there is snakes in Varginy. He is a
+brick, that's a fact. Still, for all that, he ain't jist
+altogether a citizen of this world nother. He fishes in
+deep water, with a sinker to his hook. He can't throw a
+fly as I can, reel out his line, run down stream, and
+then wind up, wind up, wind up, and let out, and wind up
+again, till he lands his fish, as I do. He looks deep
+into things, is a better religionist, polititioner, and
+bookster than I be: but then that's all he does know. If
+you want to find your way about, or read a man, come to
+me, that's all; for I'm the boy that jist can do it. If
+I can't walk into a man, I can dodge round him; and if
+he is too nimble for that, I can jump over him; and if
+he is too tall for that, although I don't like the play,
+yet I can whip him.
+
+"Now, Squire, I have been a good deal to England, and
+crossed this big pond here the matter of seven times,
+and know a good deal about it, more than a great many
+folks that have writtin' books on it, p'raps. Mind what
+I tell you, the English ain't what they was. I'm not
+speakin' in jeest now, or in prejudice. I hante a grain
+of prejudice in me. I've see'd too much of the world for
+that I reckon. I call myself a candid man, and I tell
+you the English are no more like what the English used
+to be, when pigs were swine, and Turkey chewed tobacky,
+than they are like the Picts or Scots, or Norman, French,
+or Saxons, or nothin'."
+
+"Not what they used to be?" I said. "Pray, what do you
+mean?"
+
+"I mean," said he, "jist what I say. They ain't the same
+people no more. They are as proud, and overbearin', and
+concaited, and haughty to foreigners as ever; but, then
+they ain't so manly, open-hearted, and noble as they used
+to be, once upon a time. They have the Spy System now,
+in full operation here; so jist take my advice, and mind
+your potatoe-trap, or you will be in trouble afore you
+are ten days older, see if you ain't."
+
+"The Spy System!" I replied. "Good Heavens, Mr. Slick,
+how can you talk such nonsense, and yet have the modesty
+to say you have no prejudice?"
+
+"Yes, the Spy System," said he, "and I'll prove it. You
+know Dr. Mc'Dougall to Nova Scotia; well, he knows all
+about mineralogy, and geology, and astrology, and every
+thing a'most, except what he ought to know, and that is
+dollar-ology. For he ain't over and above half well off,
+that's a fact. Well, a critter of the name of Oatmeal,
+down to Pictou, said to another Scotchman there one day,
+'The great nateralist Dr. Mc'Dougall is come to town.'
+
+"'Who?' says Sawney.
+
+"'Dr. Mc'Dougall, the nateralist,' says Oatmeal.
+
+"'Hout, mon,' says Sawney, 'he is nae nateral, that chiel;
+he kens mair than maist men; he is nae that fool you take
+him to be.'
+
+"Now, I am not such a fool as you take _me_ to be, Squire.
+Whenever I did a sum to, school, Minister used to say,
+'Prove it, Sam, and if it won't prove, do it over agin,
+till it will; a sum ain't right when it won't prove.'
+Now, I say the English have the Spy System, and I'll
+prove it; nay, more than that, they have the nastiest,
+dirtiest, meanest, sneakenest system in the world. It is
+ten times as bad as the French plan. In France they have
+bar-keepers, waiters, chamber galls, guides,
+quotillions,--"
+
+"Postilions, you mean," I said.
+
+"Well, postilions then, for the French have queer names
+for people, that's a fact; disbanded sodgers, and such
+trash, for spies. In England they have airls and countesses,
+Parliament men, and them that call themselves gentlemen
+and ladies, for spies."
+
+"How very absurd!" I said.
+
+"Oh yes, very absurd," said Mr. Slick; "whenever I say
+anythin' agin England, it's very absurd, it's all prejudice.
+Nothin' is strange, though, when it is said of us, and
+the absurder it is, the truer it is. I can bam as well
+as any man when bam is the word, but when fact is the
+play, I am right up and down, and true as a trivet. I
+won't deceive you; I'll prove it.
+
+"There was a Kurnel Dun--dun--plague take his name, I
+can't recollect it, but it makes no odds--I know _he_ is
+Dun for, though, that's a fact. Well, he was a British
+kurnel, that was out to Halifax when I was there. I know'd
+him by sight, I didn't know him by talk, for I didn't
+fill then the dignified situation I now do, of Attache.
+I was only a clockmaker then, and I suppose he wouldn't
+have dirtied the tip eend of his white glove with me
+then, any more than I would sile mine with him now, and
+very expensive and troublesome things them white gloves
+be too; there is no keepin' of them clean. For my part,
+I don't see why a man can't make his own skin as clean
+as a kid's, any time; and if a feller can't be let shake
+hands with a gall except he has a glove on, why ain't he
+made to cover his lips, and kiss thro' kid skin too.
+
+"But to get back to the kurnel, and it's a pity he hadn't
+had a glove over his mouth, that's a fact. Well, he went
+home to England with his regiment, and one night when he
+was dinin' among some first chop men, nobles and so on,
+they sot up considerable late over their claret; and poor
+thin cold stuff it is too, is claret. A man _may_ get
+drowned in it, but how the plague he can get drunk with
+it is dark to me. It's like every thing else French, it
+has no substance in it; it's nothin' but red ink, that's
+a fact. Well, how it was I don't know, but so it
+eventuated, that about daylight he was mops and brooms,
+and began to talk somethin' or another he hadn't ought
+to; somethin' he didn't know himself, and somethin' he
+didn't mean, and didn't remember.
+
+"Faith, next mornin' he was booked; and the first thing
+he see'd when he waked was another man a tryin' on of
+his shoes, to see how they'd fit to march to the head of
+his regiment with. Fact, I assure you, and a fact too
+that shows what Englishmen has come to; I despise 'em,
+I hate 'em, I scorn such critters as I do oncarcumcised
+niggers."
+
+"What a strange perversion of facts," I replied.
+
+But he would admit of no explanation. "Oh yes, quite
+parvarted; not a word of truth in it; there never is when
+England is consarned. There is no beam in an Englishman's
+eye; no not a smell of one; he has pulled it out long
+ago; that's the reason he can see the mote in other
+folks's so plain. Oh, of course it ain't true; it's a
+Yankee invention; it's a hickory ham and a wooden nutmeg.
+
+"Well, then, there was another feller got bagged t'other
+day, as innocent as could be, for givin' his opinion when
+folks was a talkin' about matters and things in gineral,
+and this here one in partikilar. I can't tell the words,
+for I don't know 'em, nor care about 'em; and if I did,
+I couldn't carry 'em about so long; but it was for sayin'
+it hadn't ought to have been taken notice of, considerin'
+it jist popt out permiscuous like with the bottle-cork.
+If he hadn't a had the clear grit in him, and showed
+teeth and claws, they'd a nullified him so, you wouldn't
+have see'd a grease spot of him no more. What do you call
+that, now? Do you call that liberty? Do you call that
+old English? Do you call it pretty, say now? Thank God,
+it tante Yankee."
+
+"I see you have no prejudice, Mr. Slick," I replied.
+
+"Not one mite or morsel," he replied. "Tho' I was born
+in Connecticut, I have travelled all over the thirteen
+united univarsal worlds of ourn and am a citizen at large.
+No, I have no prejudice. You say I am mistaken; p'raps
+I am, I hope I be, and a stranger may get hold of the
+wrong eend of a thing sometimes, that's a fact. But I
+don't think I be wrong, or else the papers don't tell
+the truth; and I read it in all the jarnals; I did, upon
+my soul. Why man, it's history now, if such nasty mean
+doins is worth puttin' into a book.
+
+"What makes this Spy System to England wuss, is that
+these eaves-droppers are obliged to hear all that's said,
+or lose what commission they hold; at least so folks tell
+me. I recollect when I was there last, for it's some
+years since Government first sot up the Spy System; there
+was a great feed given to a Mr. Robe, or Robie, or some
+such name, an out and out Tory. Well, sunthin' or another
+was said over their cups, that might as well have been
+let alone, I do suppose, tho' dear me, what is the use
+of wine but to onloosen the tongue, and what is the use
+of the tongue, but to talk. Oh, cuss 'em, I have no
+patience with them. Well, there was an officer of a
+marchin' regiment there, who it seems ought to have took
+down the words and sent 'em up to the head Gineral, but
+he was a knowin' coon, was officer, and _didn't hear it_.
+No sooner said than done; some one else did the dirty
+work for him; but you can't have a substitute for this,
+you must sarve in person, so the old Gineral hawls him
+right up for it.
+
+"'Why the plague, didn't you make a fuss?' sais the
+General, 'why didn't you get right up, and break up the
+party?'
+
+"'I didn't hear it,' sais he.
+
+"'You didn't hear it!' sais Old Sword-belt, 'then you
+had ought to have heerd it; and for two pins, I'd sharpen
+your hearin' for you, so that a snore of a fly would wake
+you up, as if a byler had bust.'
+
+"Oh, how it has lowered the English in the eyes of
+foreigners! How sneakin' it makes 'em look! They seem
+for all the world like scared dogs; and a dog when he
+slopes off with his head down, his tail atween his legs,
+and his back so mean it won't bristle, is a caution to
+sinners. Lord. I wish I was Queen!"
+
+"What, of such a degraded race as you say the English
+are, of such a mean-spirited, sneaking nation?"
+
+"Well, they warn't always so," he replied. "I will say
+that, for I have no prejudice. By natur, there is sunthin'
+noble and manly in a Britisher, and always was, till this
+cussed Spy System got into fashion. They tell me it was
+the Liberals first brought it into vogue. How that is.
+I don't know; but I shouldn't wonder if it was them, for
+I know this, if a feller talks _very_ liberal in politics,
+put him into office, and see what a tyrant he'll make.
+If he talks very liberal in religion, it's because he
+hante got none at all. If he talks very liberal to the
+poor, talk is all the poor will ever get out of him. If
+he talks liberal about corn law, it tante to feed the
+hungry, but to lower wages, and so on in every thing a
+most. None is so liberal as those as hante got nothin'.
+The most liberal feller I know on is "Old Scratch himself."
+If ever the liberals come in, they should make him Prime
+Minister. He is very liberal in religion and would jine
+them in excludin' the Bible from common schools I know.
+He is very liberal about the criminal code, for he can't
+bear to see criminals punished. He is very liberal in
+politics, for he don't approbate restraint, and likes to
+let every critter 'go to the devil' his own way. Oh, he
+should be Head Spy and Prime Minister that feller.
+
+"But without jokin' tho', if I was Queen, the fust time
+any o' my ministers came to me to report what the spies
+had said, I'd jist up and say, 'Minister,' I'd say, 'it
+is a cussed oninglish, onmanly, niggerly business, is
+this of pumpin', and spyin', and tattlin'. I don't like
+it a bit. I'll have neither art nor part in it; I wash
+my hands clear of it. It will jist break the spirit of
+my people. So, minister look here. The next report that
+is brought to me of a spy, I'll whip his tongue out and
+whop your ear off, or my name ain't Queen. So jist mind
+what I say; first spy pokes his nose into your office,
+chop it off and clap it up over Temple Bar, where they
+puts the heads of traitors and write these words over,
+with your own fist, that they may know the handwritin',
+and not mistake the meanin', _This is the nose of a Spy_."
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER II.
+
+THE PATRON; OR, THE COW'S TAIL.
+
+Nothing is so fatiguing as sight-seeing. The number and
+variety of objects to which your attention is called,
+and the rapid succession in which they pass in review,
+at once wearies and perplexes the mind; and unless you
+take notes to refresh your memory, you are apt to find
+you carry away with you but an imperfect and indistinct
+recollection.
+
+Yesterday was devoted to an inspection of the Tunnel and
+an examination of the Tower, two things that ought always
+to be viewed in juxta-position; one being the greatest
+evidence of the science and wealth of modern times; and
+the other of the power and pomp of our forefathers.
+
+It is a long time before a stranger can fully appreciate
+the extent of population and wealth of this vast metropolis.
+At first, he is astonished and confused; his vision is
+indistinct. By degrees he begins to understand its
+localities, the ground plan becomes intelligible and he
+can take it all in at a view. The map is a large one; it
+is a chart of the world. He knows the capes and the bays;
+he has sailed round them, and knows their relative
+distance, and at last becomes aware of the magnitude of
+the whole. Object after object becomes more familiar. He
+can estimate the population; he compares the amount of
+it with that of countries that he is acquainted with,
+and finds that this one town contains within it nearly
+as great a number of souls as all British North America.
+He estimates the incomes of the inhabitants, and finds
+figures almost inadequate to express the amount. He asks
+for the sources from whence it is derived. He resorts to
+his maxims of political economy, and they cannot inform
+him. He calculates the number of acres of land in England,
+adds up the rental, and is again at fault. He inquires
+into the statistics of the Exchange, and discovers that
+even that is inadequate; and, as a last resource, concludes
+that the whole world is tributary to this Queen of Cities.
+It is the heart of the Universe. All the circulation
+centres here, and hence are derived all those streams
+that give life and strength to the extremities. How vast,
+how populous, how rich, how well regulated, how well
+supplied, how clean, how well ventilated, how healthy!--what
+a splendid city! How worthy of such an empire and such
+a people!
+
+What is the result of his experience? _It is, that there
+is no such country in the world as England, and no such
+place in England as London; that London is better than
+any other town in winter, and quite as good as any other
+place in summer; that containing not only all that he
+requires, but all that he can wish, in the greatest
+perfection, he desires never to leave it._
+
+Local description, however, is not my object; I shall
+therefore, return to my narrative.
+
+Our examination of the Tower and the Tunnel occupied the
+whole day, and though much gratified, we were no less
+fatigued. On returning to our lodgings, I found letters
+from Nova Scotia. Among others, was one from the widow
+of an old friend, enclosing a memorial to the
+Commander-in-Chief, setting forth the important and
+gratuitous services of her late husband to the local
+government of the province, and soliciting for her son
+some small situation in the ordnance department, which
+had just fallen vacant at Halifax. I knew that it was
+not only out of my power to aid her, but that it was
+impossible for her, however strong the claims of her
+husband might be, to obtain her request. These things
+are required for friends and dependants in England; and
+in the race of competition, what chance of success has
+a colonist?
+
+I made up my mind at once to forward her memorial as
+requested, but pondered on the propriety of adding to it
+a recommendation. It could do no good. At most, it would
+only be the certificate of an unknown man; of one who
+had neither of the two great qualifications, namely,
+county or parliamentary interest, but it might do harm.
+It might, by engendering ridicule from the insolence of
+office, weaken a claim, otherwise well founded. "Who the
+devil is this Mr. Thomas Poker, that recommends the prayer
+of the petition? The fellow imagines all the world must
+have heard of him. A droll fellow that, I take it from
+his name: but all colonists are queer fellows, eh?"
+
+"Bad news from home?" said Mr. Slick, who had noticed
+my abstraction. "No screw loose there, I hope. You don't
+look as if you liked the flavour of that ere nut you are
+crackin' of. Whose dead? and what is to pay now?"
+
+I read the letter and the memorial, and then explained
+from my own knowledge how numerous and how valuable were
+the services of my deceased friend, and expressed my
+regret at not being able to serve the memorialist.
+
+"Poor woman!" said Mr. Hopewell, "I pity her. A colonist
+has no chance for these things; they have no patron. In
+this country merit will always obtain a patron--in the
+provinces never. The English are a noble-minded, generous
+people, and whoever here deserves encouragement or reward,
+is certain to obtain either or both: but it must be a
+brilliant man, indeed, whose light can be perceived across
+the Atlantic."
+
+"I entertain, Sir," I said, "a very strong prejudice
+against relying on patrons. Dr. Johnson, after a long
+and fruitless attendance on Lord Chesterfield, says:
+'Seven years, my Lord, have now past, since I waited in
+your outward rooms, or was repulsed from your door; during
+which time I have been pushing on my work, through
+difficulties, of which it is useless to complain, and
+have brought it at last to the verge of publication,
+without one act of assistance, one word of encouragement,
+or one smile of favour. Such treatment I did not expect,
+for I never bad a patron before."
+
+"Ah!" said Mr. Hopewell, "a man who feels that he is
+wrong, is always angry with somebody else. Dr. Johnson,
+is not so much to be admired for the independence that
+dictated that letter, as condemned for the meanness and
+servility of seven years of voluntary degradation. It is
+no wonder he spoke with bitterness; for, while he censured
+his Lordship, he must have despised himself. There is
+a great difference between a literary and a political
+patron. The former is not needed, and a man does better
+without one; the latter is essential. A good book, like
+good wine, needs no bush; but to get an office, you want
+merits or patrons;--merits so great, that they cannot be
+passed over, or friends so powerful, they cannot be
+refused."
+
+"Oh! you can't do nothin', Squire," said Mr. Sick, "send
+it back to Old Marm; tell her you have the misfortin to
+be a colonist; that if her son would like to be a constable,
+or a Hogreave, or a thistle-viewer, or sunthin' or another
+of that kind, you are her man: but she has got the wrong
+cow by the tail this time. I never hear of a patron, I
+don't think of a frolic I once had with a cow's tail;
+and, by hanging on to it like a snappin' turtle, I jist
+saved my life, that's a fact.
+
+"Tell you what it is, Squire, take a fool's advice, for
+once. Here you are; I have made you considerable well-known,
+that's a fact; and will introduce you to court, to king
+and queen, or any body you please. For our legation,
+though they can't dance, p'raps, as well as the French
+one can, could set all Europe a dancin' in wide awake
+airnest, if it chose. They darsent refuse us nothin',
+or we would fust embargo, and then go to war. Any one
+you want to know, I'll give you the ticket. Look round,
+select a good critter, and hold on to the tail, for dear
+life, and see if you hante a patron, worth havin'. You
+don't want none yourself, but you might want one some
+time or another, for them that's a comin' arter you.
+
+"When I was a half grow'd lad, the bears came down from
+Nor-West one year in droves, as a body might say, and
+our woods near Slickville was jist full of 'em. It warn't
+safe to go a-wanderin' about there a-doin' of nothin',
+I tell _you_. Well, one arternoon, father sends me into
+the back pastur', to bring home the cows, 'And,' says
+he, 'keep a stirrin', Sam, go ahead right away, and be
+out of the bushes afore sun-set, on account of the bears,
+for that's about the varmints' supper-time.'
+
+"Well, I looks to the sky, and I sees it was a considerable
+of a piece yet to daylight down, so I begins to pick
+strawberries as I goes along, and you never see any thing
+so thick as they were, and wherever the grass was long,
+they'd stand up like a little bush, and hang in clusters,
+most as big and twice as good, to my likin', as garden
+ones. Well, the sun, it appears to me, is like a hoss,
+when it comes near dark it mends its pace, and gets on
+like smoke, so afore I know'd where I was, twilight had
+come peepin' over the spruce tops.
+
+"Off I sot, hot foot, into the bushes, arter the cows,
+and as always eventuates when you are in a hurry, they
+was further back than common that time, away ever so fur
+back to a brook, clean off to the rear of the farm, so
+that day was gone afore I got out of the woods, and I
+got proper frightened. Every noise I heerd I thought it
+was a bear, and when I looked round a one side, I guessed
+I heerd one on the other, and I hardly turned to look
+there before, I reckoned it was behind me, I was e'en
+a'most skeered to death.
+
+"Thinks I, 'I shall never be able to keep up to the cows
+if a bear comes arter 'em and chases 'em, and if I fall
+astarn, he'll just snap up a plump little corn fed feller
+like me in less than half no time. Cryin',' says I,
+'though, will do no good. You must be up and doin', Sam,
+or it's gone goose with you.'
+
+"So a thought struck me. Father had always been a-talkin'
+to me about the leadin' men, and makin' acquaintance with
+the political big bugs when I growed up and havin' a
+patron, and so on. Thinks I, I'll take the leadin' cow
+for my patron. So I jist goes and cuts a long tough ash
+saplin, and takes the little limbs off of it, and then
+walks along side of Mooley, as meachin' as you please,
+so she mightn't suspect nothin', and then grabs right
+hold of her tail, and yelled and screamed like mad, and
+wallopped away at her like any thing.
+
+"Well, the way she cut dirt was cautionary; she cleared
+stumps, ditches, windfalls and every thing, and made a
+straight track of it for home as the crow flies. Oh, she
+was a dipper: she fairly flow again, and if ever she
+flagged, I laid it into her with the ash saplin, and away
+we started agin, as if Old Nick himself was arter us.
+
+"But afore I reached home, the rest of the cows came a
+bellowin', and a roarin' and a-racin' like mad arter us,
+and gained on us too, so as most to overtake us, jist as
+I come to the bars of the cow yard, over went Mooler,
+like a fox, brought me whap up agin 'em, which knocked
+all the wind out of my lungs and the fire out of my eyes,
+and laid me sprawlin on the ground, and every one of the
+flock went right slap over me, all but one--poor Brindle.
+She never came home agin. Bear nabbed her, and tore her
+most ridiculous. He eat what he wanted, which was no
+trifle, I can tell you, and left the rest till next time.
+
+"Don't talk to me. Squire. about merits. We all want a
+lift in this world; sunthin' or another to lay hold on,
+to help us along--_we want the cow's tail_.
+
+"Tell your friend, the female widder, she has got hold
+of the wrong cow by the tail in gettin' hold of you, for
+you are nothin' but a despisable colonist; but to look
+out for some patron here, some leadin' man, or great
+lord, to clinch fast hold of him, and stick to him like
+a leach, and if he flags, (for patrons, like old Mooley,
+get tired sometimes), to recollect the ash saplin, to
+lay into him well, and keep him at it, and no fear but
+he'll carry her through. He'll fetch her home safe at
+last, and no mistake, depend on it, Squire. The best
+lesson that little boy could be taught, is, that of _the
+Patron, or the Cows Tail_."
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER III.
+
+ASCOT RACES.
+
+To-day I visited Ascot. Race-courses are similar every
+where, and present the same objects; good horses, cruel
+riders, knowing men, dupes, jockeys, gamblers, and a
+large assemblage of mixed company. But this is a gayer
+scene than most others; and every epithet, appropriate
+to a course, diminutive or otherwise, must he in the
+superlative degree when applied to Ascot. This is the
+general, and often the only impression that most men
+carry away with them.
+
+Mr. Slick, who regards these things practically, called
+my attention to another view of it.
+
+"Squire," said he, "I'd a plaguy sight sooner see Ascot
+than any thing else to England. There ain't nothin' like
+it. I don't mean the racin', because they can't go ahead
+like us, if they was to die for it. We have colts that
+can whip chain lightnin', on a pinch. Old Clay trotted
+with it once all round an orchard, and beat it his whole
+length, but it singed his tail properly as he passed it,
+you may depend. It ain't its runnin' I speak of, therefore,
+though that ain't mean nother; but it's got another
+featur', that you'll know it by from all others. Oh it's
+an everlastin' pity you warn't here, when I was to England
+last time. Queen was there then; and where she is, of
+coarse all the world and its wife is too. She warn't
+there this year, and it sarves folks right. If I was an
+angelyferous queen, like her, I wouldn't go nowhere till
+I had a tory minister, and then a feller that had a
+"trigger-eye" would stand a chance to get a white
+hemp-neckcloth. I don't wonder Hume don't like young
+England; for when that boy grows up, he'll teach some
+folks that they had better let some folks alone, or some
+folks had better take care of some folks' ampersands
+that's all.
+
+"The time I speak of, people went in their carriages,
+and not by railroad. Now, pr'aps you don't know, in fact
+you can't know, for you can't cypher, colonists ain't no
+good at figurs, but if you did know, the way to judge of
+a nation is by its private carriages. From Hyde Park
+corner to Ascot Heath, is twenty odd miles. Well, there
+was one whole endurin' stream of carriages all the way,
+sometimes havin' one or two eddies, and where the toll-gates
+stood, havin' still water for ever so far. Well, it flowed
+and flowed on for hours and hours without stoppin', like
+a river; and when you got up to the race-ground, there
+was the matter of two or three tiers of carriages, with
+the hosses off, packed as close as pins in a paper.
+
+"It costs near hand to twelve hundred dollars a-year to
+keep up a carriage here. Now for goodness' sake jist
+multiply that everlastin' string of carriages by three
+hundred pounds each, and see what's spent in that way
+every year, and then multiply that by ten hundred thousand
+more that's in other places to England you don't see,
+and then tell me if rich people here ain't as thick as
+huckleberries."
+
+"Well, when you've done, go to France, to Belgium, and
+to Prussia, three sizeable places for Europe, and rake
+and scrape every private carriage they've got, and they
+ain't no touch to what Ascot can show. Well, when you've
+done your cypherin', come right back to London, as hard
+as you can clip from the race-course, and you won't miss
+any of 'em; the town is as full as ever, to your eyes.
+A knowin' old coon, bred and born to London, might, but
+you couldn't.
+
+"Arter that's over, go and pitch the whole bilin' of 'em
+into the Thames, hosses, carriages, people, and all; and
+next day, if it warn't for the black weepers and long
+faces of them that's lost money by it, and the black
+crape and happy faces of them that's got money, or titles,
+or what not by it, you wouldn't know nothin' about it.
+Carriages wouldn't rise ten cents in the pound in the
+market. A stranger, like you, if you warn't told, wouldn't
+know nothin' was the matter above common. There ain't
+nothin' to England shows its wealth like this.
+
+"Says father to me when I came back, 'Sam,' sais he,
+'what struck you most?'
+
+"'Ascot Races,' sais I.
+
+"'Jist like you,' sais he. 'Hosses and galls is all you
+think of. Wherever they be, there you are, that's a fact.
+You're a chip of the old block, my boy. There ain't
+nothin' lake 'em; is there?'
+
+"Well, he was half right, was father. It's worth seein'
+for hosses and galls too; but it's worth seein' for its
+carriage wealth alone. Heavens and airth, what a rich
+country it must be that has such a show in that line as
+England. Don't talk of stock, for it may fail; or
+silver-smiths' shops, for you can't tell what's plated;
+or jewels, for they may be paste; or goods, for they may
+be worth only half nothin'; but talk of the carriages,
+them's the witnesses that don't lie.
+
+"And what do they say? 'Calcutta keeps me, and China
+keeps me, and Bot'ney Bay keeps me, and Canada keeps me,
+and Nova Scotia keeps me, and the whales keep me, and
+the white bears keep me, and every thing on the airth
+keeps me, every thing under the airth keeps me. In short,
+all the world keeps me.'"
+
+"No, not all the world, Sam," said Mr. Hopewell; "there
+are some repudiative States that _don't keep me_; and if
+you go to the auction rooms, you'll see some beautiful
+carriages for sale, that say, 'the United States' Bank
+used to keep me,' and some more that say, 'Nick Biddle
+put me down.'"
+
+"Minister, I won't stand that," said Mr. Slick. "I won't
+stay here and hear you belittle Uncle Sam that way for
+nothin'. He ain't wuss than John Bull, arter all. Ain't
+there no swindle-banks here? Jist tell me that. Don't
+our liners fetch over, every trip, fellers that cut and
+run from England, with their fobs filled with other men's
+money? Ain't there lords in this country that know how
+to "repudiate" as well as ring-tail-roarers in ourn. So
+come now, don't throw stones till you put your
+window-shutters to, or you may stand a smart chance of
+gettin' your own glass broke, that's a fact.'
+
+"And then, Squire, jist look at the carriages. I'll bet
+you a goose and trimmin's you can't find their ditto
+nowhere. They _are_ carriages, and no mistake, that's
+a fact. Look at the hosses, the harness, the paint, the
+linin's, the well-dressed, lazy, idle, infarnal hansum
+servants, (these rascals, I suspicion, are picked out
+for their looks), look at the whole thing all through
+the piece, take it, by and large, stock, lock, and barrel,
+and it's the dandy, that's a fact. Don't it cost money,
+that's all? Sumtotalize it then, and see what it all
+comes to. It would make your hair stand on eend, I know.
+If it was all put into figure, it would reach clean across
+the river; and if it was all put into dollars, it would
+make a solid tire of silver, and hoop the world round
+and round, like a wheel.
+
+"If you want to give a man an idea of England, Squire,
+tell him of Ascot; and if you want to cram him, get old
+Multiplication-table Joe H-- to cast it up; for he'll
+make it come to twice as much as it railly is, and that
+will choke him. Yes, Squire, _stick to Ascot_.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IV.
+
+THE GANDER PULLING.
+
+A cunning man is generally a suspicious one, and is as
+often led into error himself by his own misconceptions,
+as protected from imposition by his habitual caution.
+
+Mr. Slick, who always acted on a motive, and never on an
+impulse, and who concealed his real objects behind
+ostensible ones, imagined that everybody else was governed
+by the same principle of action; and, therefore, frequently
+deceived himself by attributing designs to others that
+never existed but in his own imagination.
+
+Whether the following story of the gander pulling was a
+fancy sketch of the Attache, or a narrative of facts,
+_I_ had no means of ascertaining. Strange interviews and
+queer conversations he constantly had with official as
+well as private individuals, but as he often gave his
+opinions the form of an anecdote, for the purpose of
+interesting his hearers, it was not always easy to decide
+whether his stories were facts or fictions.
+
+If, on the present occasion, it was of the latter
+description, it is manifest that he entertained no very
+high opinion of the constitutional changes effected in
+the government of the colonies by the Whigs, during their
+long and perilous rule. If of the former kind, it is to
+be lamented that he concealed his deliberate convictions
+under an allegorical piece of humour. His disposition to
+"humbug" was so great, it was difficult to obtain a plain
+straightforward reply from him; but had the Secretary of
+State put the question to him in direct terms, what he
+thought of Lord Durham's "Responsible government," and
+the practical working of it under Lord Sydenham's and
+Sir Charles Bagot's administration, he would have obtained
+a plain and intelligible answer. If the interview to
+which he alludes ever did take place, (which I am bound
+to add, is very doubtful, notwithstanding the minuteness
+with which it is detailed), it is deeply to be regretted
+that he was not addressed in that frank manner which
+could alone elicit his real sentiments; for I know of no
+man so competent to offer an opinion on these subjects
+as himself.
+
+To govern England successfully, it is necessary to know
+the temper of Englishmen. Obvious as this appears to be,
+the frequent relinquishment of government measures, by
+the dominant party, shows that their own statesmen are
+sometimes deficient in this knowledge.
+
+Mr. Slick says, that if Sir James Graham had consulted
+him, _he_ could have shown him how to carry the educational
+clauses of his favourite bill This, perhaps, is rather
+an instance of Mr. Slick's vanity, than a proof of his
+sagacity. But if this species of information is not easy
+of attainment here, even by natives, how difficult must
+it be to govern a people three thousand miles off, who
+differ most materially in thought, word, and deed, from
+their official rulers.
+
+Mr. Slick, when we had not met during the day, generally
+visited me at night, about the time I usually returned
+from a dinner-party, and amused me by a recital of his
+adventures.
+
+"Squire," said he, "I have had a most curious capur
+to-day, and one that will interest you, I guess. Jist as
+I was a settin' down to breakfast this mornin', and was
+a turnin' of an egg inside out into a wine-glass, to
+salt, pepper and batter it for Red-lane Alley, I received
+a note from a Mister Pen, saying the Right Honourable
+Mr. Tact would be glad, if it was convenient, if I would
+call down to his office, to Downin' Street, to-day, at
+four o'clock. Thinks says I to myself, 'What's to pay
+now? Is it the Boundary Line, or Creole Case, or Colonial
+Trade, or the Burnin' of the Caroline, or Right o' Sarch?
+or what national subject is on the carpet to-day?
+Howsundever,' sais I, 'let the charge be what it will,
+slugs, rifle-bullets, or powder, go I must, that's a
+fact.' So I tips him a shot right off; here's the draft,
+Sir; it's in reg'lar state lingo.
+
+   "Sir,
+
+   "I have the high honour to acknowledge the receipt of
+   your letter of this present first of June instant and
+   note its contents. The conference (subject unknown),
+   proffered by the Right Honourable Mr. Tact, I accede
+   to hereby protesting and resarving all rights of
+   conformation and reniggin' of our Extraordinary
+   Embassador, now absent from London, at the great
+   agricultural meetin'. I would suggest, next time, it
+   would better convene to business, to insart subject
+   of discussion, to prevent being taken at a short.
+
+   "I have to assure you of the high consideration of
+   your most obedient servant to command.
+
+   "THE HON. SAM SLICK,
+
+   "Attache".
+
+"Well, when the time comes, I rigs up, puts on the legation
+coat, calls a cab, and downs to Downing Street, and looks
+as dignified as I cleverly knew how.
+
+"When I enters the outer door, I sees a man in an arm-chair
+in the entry, and he looked like a buster, I tell you,
+jist ready to blow up with the steam of all the secrets
+he had in his byler.
+
+"'Can I see Mr. Tact?' sais I.
+
+"'Tell you directly,' sais he, jist short like; for
+Englishmen are kinder costive of words; they don't use
+more nor will do, at no time; and he rings a bell. This
+brings in his second in command; and sais he, 'Pray walk
+in here, if you please, Sir,' and he led me into a little
+plain, stage-coach-house lookin' room, with nothin' but
+a table and two or three chairs in it; and says he, 'Who
+shall I say, Sir?'
+
+"'The Honourable Mr. Slick,' sais I, 'Attache of the
+American Legation to the court of Saint Jimses' Victoria.'
+
+"Off he sot; and there I waited and waited for ever so
+long, but he didn't come back. Well, I walked to the
+winder and looked out, but there was nothin' to see there;
+and then I turned and looked at a great big map on the
+wall, and there was nothin' I didn't know there; and then
+I took out my pen-knife to whittle, but my nails was all
+whittled off already, except one, and that was made into
+a pen, and I didn't like to spile that; and as there
+wasn't any thing I could get hold of, I jist slivered a
+great big bit off the leg of the chair, and began to make
+a toothpick of it. And when I had got that finished, I
+begins to get tired; for nothin' makes me so peskilly
+oneasy as to be kept waitin'; for if a Clockmaker don't
+know the valy of time, who the plague does?
+
+"So jist to pass it away, I began to hum 'Jim Brown.'
+Did you ever hear it, Squire? it's a'most a beautiful
+air, as most all them nigger songs are. I'll make you a
+varse, that will suit a despisable colonist exactly.
+
+  "I went up to London, the capital of the nation,
+   To see Lord Stanley, and get a sitivation.
+   Says he to me, 'Sam Slick, what can you do?'
+   Says I, 'Lord Stanley, jist as much as you.
+   Liberate the rebels, and 'mancipate the niggers.
+   Hurror for our side, and damn thimble-riggers.
+
+"Airth and seas! If you was to sing that 'ere song there,
+how it would make 'em stare; wouldn't it? Such words as
+them was never heerd in that patronage office, I guess;
+and yet folks must have often thort it too; that's a
+fact.
+
+"I was a hummin' the rael 'Jim Brown,' and got as far
+as:
+
+   Play upon the banjo, play upon the fiddle,
+   Walk about the town, and abuse old Biddle,
+
+when I stopped right in the middle of it, for it kinder
+sorter struck it me warn't dignified to be a singin' of
+nigger-catches that way. So says I to myself, 'This ain't
+respectful to our great nation to keep a high functionary
+a waitin' arter this fashion, is it? Guess I'd better
+assart the honour of our republic by goin' away; and let
+him see that it warn't me that was his lackey last year.'
+
+"Well, jist as I had taken the sleeve of my coat and
+given my hat a rub over with it, (a good hat will carry
+off an old suit of clothes any time, but a new suit of
+clothes will never carry off an old hat, so I likes to
+keep my hat in good order in a general way). Well, jist
+as I had done, in walks the porter's first leftenant;
+and sais he, 'Mr. Tact will see you, Sir.'
+
+"'He come plaguy near not seein' of me, then,' sais I;
+'for I had jist commenced makin' tracks as you come in.
+The next time he sends for me, tell him not to send till
+he is ready, will you? For it's a rule o' mine to tag
+arter no man.'
+
+"The critter jist stopped short, and began to see whether
+that spelt treason or no. He never heerd freedom o' speech
+afore, that feller, I guess, unless it was somebody a
+jawin' of him, up hill and down dale; so sais I, 'Lead
+off, my old 'coon, and I will foller you, and no mistake,
+if you blaze the line well.'
+
+"So he led me up stairs, opened a door, and 'nounced me;
+and there was Mr. Tact, sittin' at a large table, all
+alone.
+
+"'How do you do, Mr. Slick,' says he. 'I am very glad to
+see you. Pray be seated.' He really was a very gentlemanlike
+man, was Squire Tact, that's a fact. Sorry I kept you
+waitin' so long,' sais he, 'but the Turkish Ambassador
+was here at the time, and I was compelled to wait until
+he went. I sent for you, Sir, a-hem!' and he rubbed his
+hand acrost his mouth, and looked' up at the cornish,
+and said, 'I sent for you, Sir, ahem!'--(thinks I, I see
+now. All you will say for half an hour is only throw'd
+up for a brush fence, to lay down behind to take aim
+through; and arter that, the first shot is the one that's
+aimed at the bird), 'to explain to you about this African
+Slave Treaty,' said he. 'Your government don't seem to
+comprehend me in reference to this Right of Sarch.
+Lookin' a man in the face, to see he is the right man,
+and sarchin' his pockets, are two very different things.
+You take, don't you?'
+
+"'I'm up to snuff, Sir,' sais I, 'and no mistake.' I
+know'd well enough that warn't what he sent for me for,
+by the way he humm'd and hawed when he began.
+
+"'Taking up a trunk, as every hotel-keeper does and has
+a right to do, and examinin' the name on the brass plate
+to the eend on't, is one thing; forcin' the lock and
+ransackin' the contents, is another. One is precaution,
+the other is burglary.'
+
+"'It tante burglary,' sais I, 'unless the lodger sleeps
+in his trunk. It's only--'
+
+"'Well,' says he, a colourin' up, 'that's technical. I
+leave these matters to my law officers.'
+
+"I larnt that little matter of law from brother Eldad,
+the lawyer, but I guess I was wrong there. I don't think
+I had ought to have given him that sly poke; but I didn't
+like his talkin' that way to me. Whenever a feller tries
+to pull the wool over your eyes, it's a sign he don't
+think high of your onderstandin'. It isn't complimental,
+that's a fact. 'One is a serious offence, I mean, sais
+he; 'the other is not. We don't want to sarch; we only
+want to look a slaver in the face, and see whether he is
+a free and enlightened American or not. If he is, the
+_flag of liberty_ protects him and _his slaves_; if he
+ain't, it don't protect him, nor them nother.'
+
+"Then he did a leadin' article on slavery, and a paragraph
+on non-intervention, and spoke a little soft sawder about
+America, and wound up by askin' me if he had made himself
+onderstood.
+
+"'Plain as a boot-jack,' sais I.
+
+"When that was over, he took breath. He sot back on his
+chair, put one leg over the other, and took a fresh
+departur' agin.
+
+"'I have read your books, Mr. Slick,' said he, 'and read
+'em, too, with great pleasure. You have been a great
+traveller in your day. You've been round the world a'most,
+haven't you?'
+
+"'Well,' sais I, 'I sharn't say I hante.'
+
+"'What a deal of information a man of your observation
+must have acquired.' (He is a gentlemanly man, that you
+may depend. I don't know when I've see'd one so well
+mannered.)
+
+"'Not so much, Sir, as you would suppose,' sais I.
+
+"'Why how so?' sais he.
+
+"'Why,' sais I, 'the first time a man goes round the
+world, he is plaguy skeered for fear of fallin' off the
+edge; the second time he gets used to it, and larns a
+good deal.'
+
+"'Fallin' off the edge!' sais he; 'what an original idea
+that is. That's one of your best. I like your works for
+that they are original. We have nothin' but imitations
+now. Fallin' off the the edge, that's capital. I must
+tell Peel that; for he is very fond of that sort of
+thing.'
+
+"He was a very pretty spoken man, was Mr. Tact; he is
+quite the gentleman, that's a fact. I love to hear him
+talk; he is so very perlite, and seems to take a likin'
+to me parsonally."
+
+Few men are so open to flattery as Mr. Slick; and although
+"soft sawder" is one of the artifices he constantly uses
+in his intercourse with others, he is often thrown off
+of his guard by it himself. How much easier it is to
+discover the weaknesses of others than to see our own!
+
+But to resume the story.
+
+"'You have been a good deal in the colonies, haven't
+you?' said he.
+
+"'Considerable sum,' sais I. Now, sais I to myself, this
+is the rael object he sent for me for; but I won't tell
+him nothin'. If he'd a up and askt me right off the reel,
+like a man, he'd a found me up to the notch; but he thort
+to play me off. Now I'll sarve him out his own way; so
+here goes.
+
+"'Your long acquaintance with the provinces, and familiar
+intercourse with the people,' sais he, 'must have made
+you quite at home on all colonial topics.'
+
+"'I thought so once,' sais I; 'but I don't think so now
+no more, Sir.'
+
+"'Why how is that?' sais he.
+
+"'Why, Sir,' sais I, 'you can hold a book so near your
+eyes as not to be able to read a word of it; hold it off
+further, and get the right focus, and you can read
+beautiful. Now the right distance to see a colony, and
+know all about it, is England. Three thousand miles is
+the right focus for a political spy-glass. A man livin'
+here, and who never was out of England, knows twice as
+much about the provinces as I do.'
+
+"'Oh, you are joking,' sais he.
+
+"Not a bit,' sais I. 'I find folks here that not only
+know every thing about them countries, but have no doubts
+upon any matter, and ask no questions; in fact, they not
+only know more than me, but more than the people themselves
+do, what they want. It's curious, but it's a fact. A
+colonist is the most beautiful crittur in natur to try
+experiments on, you ever see; for he is so simple and
+good-natured he don't know no better; and so weak, he
+couldn't help himself if he did. There's great fun in
+making these experiments, too. It puts me in mind of
+"Gander Pulling;" you know what this is, don't you?'
+
+"'No,' he said. 'I never heard of it. Is it an American
+sport?'
+
+"'Yes,' sais I, 'it is; and the most excitin' thing, too,
+you ever see.'
+
+"'You are a very droll man. Mr Slick,' said he, 'a very
+droll man indeed. In all your books there is a great deal
+of fun; but in all your fun, there is a meanin'. Your
+jokes hit, and hit pretty hard, too, sometimes. They make
+a man think as well as laugh. But. describe this Gander
+Pulling.'
+
+"'Well, I'll tell you how it is,' sais I. 'First and
+foremost, a ring-road is formed, like a small race-course;
+then, two great long posts is fixed into the ground, one
+on each side of the road, and a rope made fast by the
+eends to each post, leavin' the middle of the rope to
+hang loose in a curve. Well, then they take a gander and
+pick his neck as clean as a babby's, and then grease it
+most beautiful all the way from the breast to the head,
+till it becomes as slippery as a soaped eel. Then they
+tie both his legs together with a strong piece of cord,
+of the size of a halyard, and hang him by the feet to
+the middle of the swingin' rope, with his head downward.
+All the youngsters, all round the county, come to see
+the sport, mounted a horseback.
+
+"'Well, the owner of the goose goes round with his hat,
+and gets so much a-piece in it from every one that enters
+for the "Pullin';" and when all have entered, they bring
+their hosses in a line, one arter another; and at the
+words, 'Go ahead!' off they set, as hard as they can
+split; and as they pass under the goose, make a grab at
+him; and whoever carries off the head, wins.
+
+"'Well, the goose dodges his head and flaps his wings,
+and swings about so, it ain't no easy matter to clutch
+his neck; and when you do, it's so greasy, it slips right
+through the fingers, like, nothin'. Sometimes it takes
+so long, that the hosses are fairly beat out, and can't
+scarcely raise a gallop; and then a man stands by the
+post, with a heavy loaded whip, to lash 'em on, so that
+they mayn't stand under the goose, which ain't fair. The
+whoopin', and hollerin', and screamin', and bettin', and
+excitement, beats all; there ain't hardly no sport equal
+to it. It's great fun _to all except the poor
+goosey-gander_.
+
+"'The game of colony government to Canady, for some years
+back, puts me in mind of that exactly. Colonist has had
+his heels put where his head used to be, this some time
+past. He has had his legs tied, and his neck properly
+greased, I tell _you_; and the way every parliament man,
+and governor, and secretary, gallops round and round,
+one arter another, a grabbin' at poor colonist, ain't no
+matter. Every new one on 'em that comes, is confident he
+is a goin' to settle it; but it slips through his hand,
+and off he goes, properly larfed at.
+
+"'They have pretty nearly fixed goosey colonist, though;
+he has got his neck wrung several times; it's twisted
+all a one side, his tongue hangs out, and he squeaks
+piteous, that's a fact. Another good grab or two will
+put him out o' pain; and it's a pity it wouldn't, for no
+created critter can live long, turned wrong eend up, that
+way. But the sport will last long arter that; for arter
+his neck is broke, it ain't no easy matter to get the
+head off; the cords that tie that on, are as thick as
+your finger. It's the greatest fun out there you ever
+see, _to all except poor goosey colonist_.
+
+"'I've larfed ready to kill myself at it. Some o' these
+Englishers that come out, mounted for the sport, and
+expect a peerage as a reward for bringin' home the head
+and settlin' the business for colonist, do cut such
+figurs, it would make you split; and they are all so
+everlastin' consaited, they won't take no advice. The
+way they can't do it is cautionary. One gets throwed,
+another gets all covered with grease, a third loses his
+hat, a fourth gets run away with by his horse, a fifth
+sees he can't do it, makes some excuse, and leaves the
+ground afore the sport is over; and now and then, an
+unfortunate critter gets a hyste that breaks his own
+neck. There is only one on 'em that I have see'd out
+there, that can do it right.
+
+"It requires some experience, that's a fact. But let John
+Bull alone for that; he is a critter that thinks he knows
+every thing; and if you told him he didn't, he wouldn't
+believe you, not he. He'd only pity your ignorance, and
+look dreadful sorry for you. Oh if you want to see high
+life, come and see "a colonial gander pulling."
+
+"'Tying up a goose, Sir, is no great harm,' sais I,
+'seein' that a goose was made to be killed, picked and
+devoured, and nothin' else. Tyin' up a colonist by the
+heels is another thing. I don't think it right; but I
+don't know nothin'; I've had the book too close to my
+eyes. Joe H--e, that never was there, can tell you twice
+as much as I can about the colonies. The focus to see
+right, as I said afore, is three thousand miles off.'
+
+"'Well,' sais he, 'that's a capital illustration, Mr.
+Slick. There is more in that than meets the ear. Don't
+tell me you don't know nothin' about the colonies; few
+men know so much as you do. I wish to heavens you was a
+colonist,' sais he; 'if you were, I would offer you a
+government.'
+
+"'I don't doubt it,' sais I; 'seein' that your department
+have advanced or rewarded so many colonists already.'
+But I don't think he heard that shot, and I warn't sorry
+for it; for it's not right to be a pokin' it into a
+perlite man, is it?
+
+"'I must tell the Queen that story of _the Gander Pulling_,'
+sais he; 'I like it amazingly. It's a capital caricature.
+I'll send the idea to H. B. Pray name some day when you
+are disengaged; I hope you will give me the pleasure of
+dining with me. Will this day fortnight suit you?'
+
+"'Thank you,' sais I, 'I shall have great pleasure.'
+
+"He railly was a gentlemany man that. He was so good
+natured, and took the joke so well, I was kinder sorry
+I played it off on him. I hante see'd no man to England
+I affection so much as Mr. Tact, I swear! I begin to
+think, arter all, it was the right of _sarchin' vessels_
+he wanted to talk to me about, instead of _sarchin' me_,
+as I suspicioned. It don't do always _to look for motives,
+men often act without any_. The next time, if he axes
+me, I'll talk plain, and jist tell him what I _do_ think;
+but still, if he reads that riddle right, he may larn a
+good deal, too, from the story of "the Gander Pulling,"
+mayn't he?"
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER V.
+
+THE BLACK STOLE.
+
+The foregoing sketch exhibits a personal trait in Mr.
+Slick's character, the present a national one. In the
+interview, whether real or fanciful, that he alleges to
+have had with one of the Secretaries of State, he was
+not disposed to give a direct reply, because his habitual
+caution led him to suspect that an attempt was made to
+draw him out on a particular topic without his being made
+aware of the object. On the present occasion, he exhibits
+that irritability, which is so common among all his
+countrymen, at the absurd accounts that travellers give
+of the United States in general, and the gross exaggerations
+they publish of the state of slavery in particular.
+
+That there is a party in this country, whose morbid
+sensibility is pandered to on the subject of negro
+emancipation there can be no doubt, as is proved by the
+experiment made by Mr. Slick, recorded in this chapter.
+
+On this subject every man has a right to his own opinions,
+but any interference with the municipal regulations of
+another country, is so utterly unjustifiable, that it
+cannot be wondered at that the Americans resent the
+conduct of the European abolishionists, in the most
+unqualified and violent manner.
+
+The conversation that I am now about to repeat, took
+place on the Thames. Our visits, hitherto, had been
+restricted by the rain to London. To-day, the weather
+being fine, we took passage on board of a steamer, and
+went to Greenwich.
+
+While we were walking up and down the deck, Mr. Slick
+again adverted to the story of the government spies with
+great warmth. I endeavoured, but in vain, to persuade
+him that no regular organized system of espionage existed
+in England. He had obtained a garbled account of one or
+two occurrences, and his prejudice, (which, notwithstanding
+his disavowal, I knew to be so strong, as to warp all
+his opinions of England and the English), immediately
+built up a system, which nothing I could say, could at
+all shake.
+
+I assured him the instances he had mentioned were isolated
+and unauthorized acts, told in a very distorted manner
+but mitigated, as they really were, when truly related,
+they were at the time received with the unanimous
+disapprobation of every right-thinking man in the kingdom,
+and that the odium which had fallen on the relators, was
+so immeasurably greater than what had been bestowed on
+the thoughtless principals, that there was no danger of
+such things again occurring in our day. But he was
+immovable.
+
+"Oh, of course, it isn't true," he said, "and every
+Englishman will swear it's a falsehood. But you must not
+expect us to disbelieve it, nevertheless; for your
+travellers who come to America, pick up here and there,
+some absurd ontruth or another; or, if they are all picked
+up already, invent one; and although every man, woman,
+and child is ready to take their bible oaths it is a bam,
+yet the English believe this one false witness in preference
+to the whole nation.
+
+"You must excuse me, Squire; you have a right to your
+opinion, though it seems you have no right to blart it
+out always; but I am a freeman, I was raised in Slickville,
+Onion County, State of Connecticut, United States of
+America, which _is_ a free country, and no mistake; and
+I have a right to my opinion, and a right to speak it,
+too; and let me see the man, airl or commoner,
+parliamenterer or sodger officer, that dare to report
+me, I guess he'd wish he'd been born a week later, that's
+all. I'd make a caution of him, _I_ know. I'd polish his
+dial-plate fust, and then I'd feel his short ribs, so as
+to make him larf, a leetle jist a leetle the loudest he
+ever heerd. Lord, he'd think thunder and lightnin' a mint
+julip to it. I'd ring him in the nose as they do pigs in
+my country, to prevent them rootin' up what they hadn't
+ought."
+
+Having excited himself by his own story, he first imagined
+a case and then resented it, as if it had occurred. I
+expressed to him my great regret that he should visit
+England with these feelings and prejudices, as I had
+hoped his conversation would have been as rational and
+as amusing as it was in Nova Scotia, and concluded by
+saying that I felt assured he would find that no such
+prejudice existed here against his countrymen, as he
+entertained towards the English.
+
+"Lord love you!" said he, "I have no prejudice. I am the
+most candid man you ever see. I have got some grit, but
+I ain't ugly, I ain't indeed."
+
+"But you are wrong about the English; and I'll prove it
+to you. Do you see that turkey there?" said he.
+
+"Where?" I asked. "I see no turkey; indeed, I have seen
+none on board. What do you mean?"
+
+"Why that slight, pale-faced, student-like Britisher; he
+is a turkey, that feller. He has been all over the Union,
+and he is a goin' to write a book. He was at New York
+when we left, and was introduced to me in the street. To
+make it liquorish, he has got all the advertisements
+about runaway slaves, sales of niggers, cruel mistresses
+and licentious masters, that he could pick up. He is a
+caterer and panderer to English hypocrisy. There is
+nothin' too gross for him to swaller. We call them turkeys;
+first because they travel so fast--for no bird travels
+hot foot that way, except it be an ostrich--and second,
+because they gobble up every thing that comes in their
+way. Them fellers will swaller a falsehood as fast as a
+turkey does a grasshopper; take it right down whole,
+without winkin'.
+
+"Now, as we have nothin' above particular to do, 'I'll
+cram him' for you; I will show you how hungry he'll bite
+at a tale of horror, let it be never so onlikely; how
+readily he will believe it, because it is agin us; and
+then, when his book comes out, you shall see that all
+England will credit it, though I swear I invented it as
+a cram, and you swear you heard it told as a joke. They've
+drank in so much that is strong, in this way, have the
+English, they require somethin' sharp enough to tickle
+their palates now. Wine hante no taste for a man that
+drinks grog, that's a fact. It's as weak as Taunton water.
+Come and walk up and down deck along with me once or
+twice, and then we will sit down by him, promiscuously
+like; and as soon as I get his appetite sharp, see how
+I will cram him."
+
+"This steam-boat is very onsteady to-day. Sir," said Mr.
+Slick; "it's not overly convenient walking, is it?"
+
+The ice was broken. Mr. Slick led him on by degrees to
+his travels, commencing with New England, which the
+traveller eulogised very much. He then complimented him
+on the accuracy of his remarks and the depth of his
+reflections, and concluded by expressing a hope that he
+would publish his observations soon, as few tourists were
+so well qualified for the task as himself.
+
+Finding these preliminary remarks taken in good part, he
+commenced the process of "cramming."
+
+"But oh, my friend," said he, with a most sanctimonious
+air, "did you visit, and I am ashamed as an American
+citizen to ask the question, I feel the blood a tannin'
+of my cheek when I inquire, did you visit the South? That
+land that is polluted with slavery, that land where the
+boastin' and crackin' of freemen pile up the agony pangs
+on the corroding wounds inflicted by the iron chains of
+the slave, until natur can't stand it no more; my heart
+bleeds like a stuck critter, when I think of this plague
+spot on the body politic. I ought not to speak thus;
+prudence forbids it, national pride forbids it; but
+genu_wine_ feelings is too strong for polite forms. 'Out
+of the fulness of the heart the mouth speaketh.' Have
+you been there?"
+
+"Turkey" was thrown off his guard, he opened his wallet,
+which was well stocked, and retailed his stories, many
+of them so very rich, that I doubted the capacity of the
+Attache to out-Herod him. Mr. Slick received these tales
+with evident horror, and complimented the narrator with
+a well simulated groan; and when he had done, said, "Ah,
+I see how it is, they have purposely kept dark about the
+most atrocious features of slavery. Have you never seen
+the Gougin' School?"
+
+"No, never."
+
+"What, not seen the Gougin' School?"
+
+"No, Sir; I never heard of it."
+
+"Why, you don't mean to say so?"
+
+"I do, indeed, I assure you."
+
+"Well, if that don't pass! And you never even heerd tell
+of it, eh?"
+
+"Never, Sir. I have never either seen it or heard of it."
+
+"I thought as much," said Mr. Slick. "I doubt if any
+Britisher ever did or ever will see it. Well, Sir, in
+South Carolina, there is a man called Josiah Wormwood;
+I am ashamed to say he is a Connecticut man. For a
+considerable of a spell, he was a strollin' preacher,
+but it didn't pay in the long run. There is so much
+competition in that line in our country, that he consaited
+the business was overdone, and he opened a Lyceum to
+Charleston South Car, for boxin', wrestlin' and other
+purlite British accomplishments; and a most a beautiful
+sparrer he is, too; I don't know as I ever see a more
+scientific gentleman than he is, in that line. Lately,
+he has halfed on to it the art of gougin' or 'monokolisin,'
+as he calls it, to sound grand; and if it weren't so
+dreadful in its consequences, it sartinly is amost allurin'
+thing, is gougin'. The sleight-of-hand is beautiful. All
+other sleights we know are tricks; but this is reality;
+there is the eye of your adversary in your hand; there
+is no mistake. It's the real thing. You feel you have
+him; that you have set your mark on him, and that you
+have took your satisfaction. The throb of delight felt
+by a 'monokolister' is beyond all conception."
+
+"Oh heavens!" said the traveller, "Oh horror of horrors!
+I never heard any thing so dreadful. Your manner of
+telling it, too, adds to its terrors. You appear to view
+the practice with a proper Christian disgust; and yet
+you talk like an amateur. Oh, the thing is sickening."
+
+"It is, indeed," said Mr. Slick, "particularly to him
+that loses his peeper. But the dexterity, you know, is
+another thing. It is very scientific. He has two niggers,
+has Squire Wormwood, who teach the wrastlin' and
+gouge-sparrin'; but practisin' for the eye is done for
+punishment of runaways. He has plenty of subjects. All
+the planters send their fugit_ive_ niggers there to be
+practised on for an eye. The scholars ain't allowed to
+take more than one eye out of them; if they do, they have
+to pay for the nigger; for he is no sort o' good after,
+for nothin' but to pick oakum. I could go through the
+form, and give you the cries to the life, but I won't;
+it is too horrid; it really is too dreadful."
+
+"Oh do, I beg of you," said the traveller.
+
+"I cannot, indeed; it is too shocking. It will disgust
+you."
+
+"Oh, not at all," said Turkey, "when I know it is simulated,
+and not real, it is another thing."
+
+"I cannot, indeed," said Mr. Slick. "It would shock your
+philanthropic soul, and set your very teeth of humanity
+on edge. But have you ever seen--the Black Stole?"
+
+"No."
+
+"Never seen the Black Stole?"
+
+"No, never."
+
+"Why, it ain't possible? Did you never hear of it nother?"
+
+"No, never. Well now, do tell!"
+
+"So you never heerd tell of it, nor never sot eyes on
+it?"
+
+"Certainly never."
+
+"Well, that bangs the bush, now! I suppose you didn't.
+Guess you never did, and never will, nor no other traveller,
+nother, that ever slept in shoe-leather. They keep dark
+about these atrocities. Well, the Black Stole is a loose
+kind of shirt-coat, like an English carter's frock; only,
+it is of a different colour. It is black instead of white,
+and made of nigger hide, beautifully tanned, and dressed
+as soft as a glove. It ain't every nigger's hide that's
+fit for a stole. If they are too young, it is too much
+like kid; if they are too old, it's like sole leather,
+it's so tough; and if they have been whipt, as all on
+'em have a'most, why the back is all cut to pieces, and
+the hide ruined. It takes several sound nigger skins to
+make a stole; but when made, it's a beautiful article,
+that's a fact.
+
+"It is used on a plantation for punishment. When the whip
+don't do its work, strip a slave, and jist clap on to
+him the Black Stole. Dress him up in a dead man's skin,
+and it frightens him near about to death. You'll hear
+him screetch for a mile a'most, so 'tarnally skeered.
+And the best of the fun is, that all the rest of the
+herd, bulls, cows, and calves, run away from him, jist
+as if he was a panther."
+
+"Fun, Sir! Do you call this fun?"
+
+"Why sartainly I do. Ain't it better nor whippin' to
+death? "What's a Stole arter all? It's nothin' but a
+coat. Philosophizin' on it, Stranger, there is nothin'
+to shock a man. The dead don't feel. Skinnin', then,
+ain't cruel, nor is it immoral. To bury a good hide, is,
+waste--waste is wicked. There are more good hides buried
+in the States, black and white, every year, than would
+pay the poor-rates and state-taxes. They make excellent
+huntin'-coats, and would make beautiful razor-straps,
+bindin' for books, and such like things; it would make
+a noble export. Tannin' in hemlock bark cures the horrid
+nigger flavour. But then, we hante arrived at that state
+of philosophy; and when it is confined to one class of
+the human family, it would be dangerous. The skin of a
+crippled slave might be worth more than the critter was
+himself; and I make no doubt, we should soon hear of a
+stray nigger being shot for his hide, as you do of a
+moose for his skin, and a bear for his fur.
+
+"Indeed, that is the reason (though I shouldn't mention
+it as an Attache), that our government won't now concur
+to suppress the slave trade. They say the prisoners will
+all be murdered, and their peels sold; and that vessels,
+instead of taking, in at Africa a cargo of humans, will
+take in a cargo of hides, as they do to South America.
+As a Christian, a philanthropist, indeed, as a man, this
+is a horrid subject to contemplate, ain't it?"
+
+"Indeed it is," said Turkey. "I feel a little overcome--my
+head swims--I am oppressed with nausea--I must go below."
+
+"How the goney swallered it all, didn't he?" said Mr.
+Slick, with great glee. "Hante he a most a beautiful
+twist that feller? How he gobbled it down, tank, shank
+and flank at a gulp, didn't he. Oh! he is a Turkey and
+no mistake, that chap. But see here, Squire; jist look
+through the skylight. See the goney, how his pencil is
+a leggin' it off, for dear life. Oh, there is great fun
+in crammin' those fellers.
+
+"Now tell me candid, Squire; do you think there is no
+prejudice in the Britishers agin us and our free and
+enlightened country, when they can swaller such stuff as
+the Gougin' School and _Black Stole_?"
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VI.
+
+THE PRINCE DE JOINVILLE'S HORSE.
+
+"There is more in that story, Squire," said Mr. Hopewell,
+"of the Patron, and Sam's queer illustration of the Cow's
+Tail, than you are aware of. The machinery of the colonies
+is good enough in itself, but it wants a safety valve.
+When the pressure within is too great, there should be
+something devised to let off the steam. This is a subject
+well worthy of your consideration; and if you have an
+opportunity of conversing with any of the ministry, pray
+draw their attention to it. By not understanding this,
+the English have caused one revolution at home, and
+another in America."
+
+"Exactly," said Mr. Slick. "It reminds me of what I once
+saw done by the Prince de Joinville's horse, on the
+Halifax road."
+
+"Pardon me," said Mr. Hopewell, "you shall have an
+opportunity presently of telling your story of the Prince's
+horse, but suffer me to proceed.
+
+"England, besides other outlets, has a never-failing one
+in the colonies, but the colonies have no outlet. Cromwell
+and Hampden were actually embarked on board of a vessel
+in the Thames, for Boston, when they were prevented from
+sailing by an Order in Council. What was the consequence?
+The sovereign was dethroned. Instead of leading a small
+sect of fanatical puritans, and being the first men of
+a village in Massachussets, they aspired to be the first
+men in an empire, and succeeded. So in the old colonies.
+Had Washington been sent abroad in command of a regiment,
+Adams to govern a colony, Franklin to make experiments
+in an observatory like that at Greenwich, and a more
+extended field been opened to colonial talent, the United
+States would still have continued to be dependencies of
+Great Britain.
+
+"There is no room for men of talent in British America;
+and by not affording them an opportunity of distinguishing
+themselves, or rewarding them when they do, they are
+always ready to make one, by opposition. In comparing
+their situation with that of the inhabitants of the
+British Isles, they feel that they labour under
+disabilities; these disabilities they feel as a degradation;
+and as those who impose that degradation live three
+thousand miles off, it becomes a question whether it is
+better to suffer or resist."
+
+"The Prince de Joinville's horse," said Mr. Slick, "is
+a case in pint."
+
+"One moment, Sam," said Mr. Hopewell.
+
+"The very word 'dependencies' shows the state of the
+colonies. If they are to be retained, they should he
+incorporated with Great Britain. The people should be
+made to feel, not that they are colonists, but Englishmen.
+They may tinker at constitutions as much as they please;
+the root of the evil lies deeper than statesmen are aware
+of. O'Connell, when he agitates for a repeal of the
+Union, if he really has no ulterior objects beyond that
+of an Irish Parliament, does not know what he is talking
+about. If his request were granted, Ireland would become
+a province, and descend from being an integral part of
+the empire, into a dependency. Had he ever lived in a
+colony, he would have known the tendencies of such a
+condition.
+
+"What I desire to see, is the very reverse. Now that
+steam has united the two continents of Europe and America,
+in such a manner that you can travel from Nova Scotia to
+England, in as short a time as it once required to go
+from Dublin to London, I should hope for a united
+legislature. Recollect that the distance from New Orleans
+to the head of the River is greater than from Halifax N.
+S., to Liverpool. I do not want to see colonists and
+Englishmen arrayed against each other, as different races,
+but united as one people, having the same rights and
+privileges, each bearing a share of the public burdens,
+and all having a voice in the general government.
+
+"The love of distinction is natural to man. Three millions
+of people cannot be shut up in a colony. They will either
+turn on each other, or unite against their keepers. The
+road that leads to retirement in the provinces, should
+be open to those whom the hope of distinction invites to
+return and contend for the honours of the empire. At
+present, the egress is practically closed."
+
+"If you was to talk for ever, Minister," said Mr. Slick,
+"you couldn't say more than the Prince de Joinville's
+hoss on that subject."
+
+The interruption was very annoying; for no man I ever
+met, so thoroughly understands the subject of colonial
+government as Mr. Hopewell. His experience is greater
+than that of any man now living, and his views more
+enlarged and more philosophical.
+
+"Go on, Sam," said he with great good humour. "Let us
+hear what the Prince's horse said."
+
+"Well," said Mr. Slick, "I don't jist exactly mean to
+say he spoke, as Balaam's donkey did, in good English or
+French nother; but he did that that spoke a whole book,
+with a handsum wood-cut to the fore, and that's a fact.
+
+"About two years ago, one mortal brilin' hot day, as I
+was a pokin' along the road from Halifax to Windsor, with
+Old Clay in the waggon, with my coat off, a ridin' in my
+shirt-sleeves, and a thinkin' how slick a mint-julep
+would travel down red-lane, if I had it, I heard such a
+chatterin', and laughin', and screamin' as I never a'most
+heerd afore, since I was raised.
+
+"'What in natur' is this,' sais I, as I gave Old Clay a
+crack of the whip, to push on. 'There is some critters
+here, I guess, that have found a haw haw's nest, with a
+tee hee's egg in it. What's in the wind now?' Well, a
+sudden turn of the road brought me to where they was,
+and who should they be but French officers from the
+Prince's ship, travellin' incog. in plain clothes. But,
+Lord bless you, cook a Frenchman any way you please, and
+you can't disguise him. Natur' will out, in spite of
+all, and the name of a Frencher is written as plain as
+any thing in his whiskers, and his hair, and his skin,
+and his coat, and his boots, and his air, and his gait,
+and in everythin', but only let him open his mouth, and
+the cat's out of the bag in no time, ain't it? They are
+droll boys, is the French, that's a fact.
+
+"Well, there was four on 'em dismounted, a holdin' of
+their hosses by the bridle, and a standin' near a spring
+of nice cool water; and there was a fifth, and he was a
+layin' down belly flounder on the ground, a tryin' to
+drink out of the runnin' spring.
+
+"'Parley vous French,' sais I, 'Mountsheer?' At that,
+they sot to, and larfed again more than ever, I thought
+they would have gone into the high strikes, they hee-hawed
+so.
+
+"Well, one on 'em, that was a Duke, as I found out
+afterwards, said 'O yees, Saar, we spoked English too.'
+
+"'Lawful heart!' sais I, 'what's the joke?'
+
+"'Why,' sais he, 'look there, Sare.' And then they larfed
+agin, ready to split; and sore enough, no sooner had the
+Leftenant layed down to drink, than the Prince's hoss
+kneeled down, and put his head jist over his neck, and
+began to drink too. Well, the officer couldn't get up
+for the hoss, and he couldn't keep his face out of the
+water for the hoss, and he couldn't drink for the hoss,
+and he was almost choked to death, and as black in the
+face as your hat. And the Prince and the officers larfed
+so, they couldn't help him, if they was to die for it.
+
+"Sais I to myself, 'A joke is a joke, if it tante carried
+too far, but this critter win be strangled, as sure as
+a gun, if he lays here splutterin' this way much longer.'
+So I jist gives the hoss a dab in the mouth, and made
+him git up; and then sais I, 'Prince,' sais I, for I
+know'd him by his beard, he had one exactly like one of
+the old saint's heads in an Eyetalian pictur, all dressed
+to a pint, so sais I, 'Prince,' and a plaguy handsum man
+he is too, and as full of fun as a kitten, so sais I,
+'Prince,' and what's better, all his officers seemed
+plaguy proud and fond of him too; so sais I, 'Prince,
+voila le condition of one colonist, which,' sais I,
+'Prince, means in English, that leftenant is jist like
+a colonist.'
+
+"'Commong,' sais he, 'how is dat?'
+
+"'Why' sais I, 'Prince, whenever a colonist goes for to
+drink at a spring of the good things in this world, (and
+plaguy small springs we have here too,) and fairly lays
+down to it, jist as he gets his lips cleverly to it, for
+a swig, there is some cussed neck or another, of some
+confounded Britisher, pops right over him, and pins him
+there. He can't get up, he can't back out, and he can't
+drink, and he is blacked and blued in the face, and most
+choked with the weight.'
+
+"'What country was you man of?' said he, for he spoke
+very good for a Frenchman.
+
+"With that I straightened myself up, and looked dignified,
+for I know'd I had a right to be proud, and no mistake;
+sais I, 'Prince, I am an American citizen.' How them two
+words altered him. P'raps there beant no two words to
+ditto 'em. He looked for all the world like a different
+man when he seed I wasn't a mean uncircumcised colonist.
+
+"'Very glad to see you, Mr. Yankee,' said he, 'very glad
+indeed. Shall I have de honour to ride with you a little
+way in your carriage?'
+
+"'As for the matter of that,' sais I, 'Mountsheer Prince,
+the honour is all the other way,' for I can be as civil
+as any man, if he sets out to act pretty and do the thing
+genteel.
+
+"With that he jumped right in, and then he said somethin'
+in French to the officers; some order or another, I
+suppose, about comin on and fetchin' his hoss with them.
+I have hearn in my time, a good many men speak French,
+but I never see the man yet, that could hold a candle to
+_him_. Oh, it was like lightnin', jist one long endurin'
+streak; it seemed all one sentence and one word. It was
+beautiful, but I couldn't onderstand it, it was so
+everlastin' fast.
+
+"'Now,' sais he, 'set sail.' And off we sot, at the rate
+of sixteen notts an hour. Old Clay pleased him, you may
+depend; he turned round and clapped his hands, and larfed,
+and waved his hat to his officers to come on; and they
+whipped, and spurred, and galloped, and raced for dear
+life; but we dropped 'em astarn like any thing, and he
+larfed again, heartier than ever There is no people
+a'most, like to ride so fast as sailors; they crack on,
+like a house a fire.
+
+"Well, arter a while, sais he, 'Back topsails,' and I
+hauled up, and he jumped down, and outs with a pocket
+book, and takes a beautiful gold coronation medal. (It
+was solid gold, no pinchback, but the rael yaller stuff,
+jist fresh from King's shop to Paris, where his money is
+made), and sais he, 'Mr. Yankee, will you accept that to
+remember the Prince de Joinville and his horse by?' And
+then he took off his hat and made me a bow, and if that
+warn't a bow, then I never see one, that's all. I don't
+believe mortal man, unless it was a Philadelphia nigger,
+could make such a bow. It was enough to sprain his ankle
+he curled so low. And then off he went with a hop, skip,
+and a jump, sailor fashion, back to meet his people.
+
+"Now, Squire, if you see Lord Stanley, tell him that
+story of the Prince de Joinville's horse; but before you
+get so far as that, pin him by admissions. When you want
+to get a man on the hip, ax him a question or two, and
+get his answers, and then you have him in a corner, he
+must stand and let you put on the bridle. He cant help
+it no how, he can fix it.
+
+"Says you, 'My Lord'--don't forget his title--every man
+likes the sound of that, it's music to his ears, it's
+like our splendid national air, Yankee Doodle, you never
+get tired of it. 'My Lord,' sais you, 'what do you suppose
+is the reason the French keep Algiers?' Well, he'll up
+and say, it's an outlet for the fiery spirits of France,
+it gives them employment and an opportunity to distinguish
+themselves, and what the climate and the inimy spare,
+become valuable officers. It makes good soldiers out of
+bad subjects.
+
+"'Do you call that good policy?' sais you.
+
+"Well, he's a trump, is Mr. Stanley, at least folks say
+so; and he'll say right off the reel 'onquestionably it
+is--excellent policy.'
+
+"When he says that, you have him bagged, he may flounder
+and spring like a salmon jist caught; but be can't out
+of the landin' net. You've got him, and no mistake. Sais
+you 'what outlet have you for the colonies?'
+
+"Well, he'll scratch his head and stare at that, for a
+space. He'll hum and haw a little to get breath, for he
+never thought of that afore, since he grow'd up; but he's
+no fool, I can tell you, and he'll out with his mould,
+run an answer and be ready for you in no time. He'll say,
+'They don't require none. Sir. They have no redundant
+population. They are an outlet themselves.'
+
+"Sais you, 'I wasn't talking of an outlet for population,
+for France or the provinces nother. I was talking of an
+outlet for the clever men, for the onquiet ones, for the
+fiery spirits.'
+
+"'For that. Sir,' he will say, 'they have the local
+patronage.'
+
+"'Oh!' sais you, 'I warn't aware. I beg pardon, I have
+been absent some time, as long as twenty days or perhaps
+twenty-five, there must have been great changes, since
+I left.'
+
+"'The garrison,' sais you.
+
+"'Is English,' sais he.
+
+"'The armed ships in the harbour?'
+
+"'English.'
+
+"'The governor and his secretary?'
+
+"'English.'
+
+"'The principal officer of customs and principal part of
+his deputies?'
+
+"'English.'
+
+"'The commissariat and the staff?'
+
+"'English to a man.'
+
+"'The dockyard people?'
+
+"'English.'
+
+"'The postmaster giniral?'
+
+"'English.'
+
+"'What, English?' sais you, and look all surprise, as if
+you didn't know. 'I thought he was a colonist, seein'
+the province pays so much for the mails.'
+
+"'No,' he'll say, 'not now; we have jist sent an English
+one over, for we find it's a good thing that.'
+
+"'One word more,' sais you, 'and I have done. If your
+army officers out there, get leave of absence, do you
+stop their pay?'
+
+"'No.'
+
+"'Do you sarve native colonists the same way?'
+
+"'No, we stop half their salaries.'
+
+"'Exactly,' sais you, 'make them feel the difference.
+Always make a nigger feel he is a nigger, or he'll get
+sassy, you may depend. As for patronage,' sais you, 'you
+know as well as I do, that all that's not worth havin',
+is jist left to poor colonist. He is an officer of militia,
+gets no pay and finds his own fit out. Like Don Quixote's
+tailor, he works for nothin' and finds thread. Any other
+little matters of the same kind, that nobody wants, and
+nobody else will take; if Blue-nose makes interest for,
+and has good luck, he can get as a great favour, to
+conciliate his countrymen. No, Minister,' sais you, 'you
+are a clever man, every body sais you are a brick; and
+if you ain't, you talk more like one, than any body I
+have seen this while past. I don't want no office myself,
+if I did p'raps, I wouldn't talk about patronage this
+way; but I am a colonist, I want to see the colonists
+remain so. They _are_ attached to England, that is a
+fact, keep them so, by making them Englishmen. Throw
+the door wide open; patronise them; enlist them in the
+imperial sarvice, allow them a chance to contend for
+honours and let them win them, if they can. If they don't,
+it's their own fault, and cuss 'em they ought to be
+kicked, for if they ain't too lazy, there is no mistake
+in 'em, that's a fact. The country will be proud of them,
+if they go ahead. Their language will change then. It
+will be _our_ army, the delighted critters will say, not
+the English army; _our_ navy, _our_ church, _our_
+parliament, _our_ aristocracy, &c., and the word English
+will be left out holus-bolus, and that proud, that
+endearin' word "our" will be insarted. Do this, and you
+will shew yourself the first statesman of modern times.
+You'll rise right up to the top of the pot, you'll go
+clean over Peel's head, as your folks go over ourn, not
+by jumpin' over him, but by takin' him by the neck and
+squeezin' him down. You 'mancipated the blacks, now
+liberate the colonists and make Englishmen of them, and
+see whether the goneys won't grin from ear to ear, and
+shew their teeth, as well as the niggers did. Don't let
+Yankee clockmakers, (you may say that if you like, if it
+will help your argument,) don't let travellin' Yankee
+clockmakers tell such stories, against _your_ justice
+and _our_ pride as that of the Prince de Joinville and
+his horse.'"
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VII.
+
+LIFE IN THE COUNTRY.
+
+"Here," said Mr. Sick, "is an invitation for you and me,
+and minister to go and visit Sir Littleeared Bighead,
+down to Yorkshire. You can go if you like, and for once,
+p'raps it's worth goin' to see how these chaps first kill
+time, and then how time kills them in turn. Eatin',
+drinkin', sleepin', growlin', fowlin', and huntin' kills
+time; and gout, aperplexy, dispepsy, and blue devils
+kills them. They are like two fightin' dogs, one dies of
+the thrashin' he gets, and t'other dies of the wounds he
+got a killin' of him. Tit for tat; what's sarce for the
+goose, is sarce for the gander.
+
+"If you want to go, Minister will go with you; but hang
+me if I do. The only thing is, it'll puzzle you to get
+him away, if he gets down there. You never see such a
+crotchical old critter in your life as he is. He flies
+right off the handle for nothin'. He goes strayin' away
+off in the fields and gullies, a browsin' about with a
+hammer, crackin' up bits of stones like walnuts, or
+pickin' up old weeds, faded flowers, and what not; and
+stands starin' at 'em for ever so long, through his
+eye-glass, and keeps a savin' to himself, 'Wonderful
+provision of natur!' Airth and seas! what does he mean?
+How long would a man live on such provision, I should
+like to know, as them bitter yarbs.
+
+"Well, then, he'll jist as soon set down and jaw away by
+the hour together with a dirty-faced, stupid little poodle
+lookin' child, as if it was a nice spry little dog he
+was a trainin' of for treein' partridges; or talk poetry
+with the galls, or corn-law with the patriots, or any
+thing. Nothin' comes amiss to him.
+
+"But what provokes me, is to hear him go blartin' all
+over the country about home scenes, and beautiful landscape,
+and rich vardure. My sakes, the vardure here is so deep,
+it looks like mournin'; it's actilly dismal. Then there's
+no water to give light to the pictur, and no sun to cheer
+it; and the hedges are all square; and the lime trees
+are as stiff as an old gall that was once pretty, and
+has grow'd proud on the memory of it.
+
+"I don't like their landscape a bit, there ain't no natur
+in it. Oh! if you go, take him along with you, for he
+will put you in consait of all you see, except reform,
+dissent, and things o' that kind; for he is an out and
+out old Tory, and thinks nothin' can be changed here for
+the better, except them that don't agree with him.
+
+"He was a warnin' you t'other day not to take all I said
+for Gospel about society here; but you'll see who's right
+and who's wrong afore you've done, I know. I described
+to you, when you returned from Germany, _Dinin' out_ to
+London. Now I'll give you my opinion of "Life in the
+Country." And fust of all, as I was a sayin', there is
+no such thing as natur' here. Every thing is artificial;
+every thing of its kind alike; and every thing oninterestin'
+and tiresome.
+
+"Well, if London is dull, in the way of West Eend people,
+the country, I guess, is a little mucher. Life in the
+country is different, of course, from life in town; but
+still life itself is alike there, exceptin' again _class
+difference_. That is, nobility is all alike, as far as
+their order goes; and country gents is alike, as far as
+their class goes; and the last especially, when they
+hante travelled none, everlastin' flat, in their own way.
+Take a lord, now, and visit him to his country seat, and
+I'll tell you what you will find--a sort of Washington
+State house place. It is either a rail old castle of the
+genuine kind, or a gingerbread crinkum crankum imitation
+of a thing that only existed in fancy, but never was seen
+afore--a thing that's made modern for use, and in ancient
+stile for shew; or else it's a great cold, formal, slice
+of a London terrace, stack on a hill in a wood.
+
+"Well, there is lawn, park, artificial pond called a
+lake, deer that's fashionablized and civilized, and as
+little natur in 'em as the humans have. Kennel and hounds
+for parsicutin' foxes--presarves (not what we call
+presarves, quinces and apple sarce, and green gages done
+in sugar, but preserves for breedin' tame partridges and
+peasants to shoot at), H'aviaries, Hive-eries, H'yew-veris,
+Hot Houses, and so on; for they put an H before every
+word do these critters, and then tell us Yankees we don't
+speak English.
+
+"Well, when you have seen an old and a new house of these
+folks, you have seen all. Featurs differ a little, but
+face of all is so alike, that though p'raps you wouldn't
+mistake one for another, yet you'd say they was all of
+one family. The king is their father.
+
+"Now it may seem kinder odd to you, and I do suppose it
+will, but what little natur there is to England is among
+these upper crust nobility. _Extremes meet_. The most
+elegant critter in America is an Indgian chief. The most
+elegant one in England is a noble. There is natur in
+both. You will vow that's a crotchet of mine, but it's
+a fact; and I will tell you how it is, some other time.
+For I opine the most charmin', most nateral, least
+artificial, kindest, and condescendenest people here are
+rael nobles. Younger children are the devil, half rank
+makes 'em proud, and entire poverty makes 'em sour. _Strap
+pride on an empty puss, and it puts a most beautiful edge
+on, it cuts like a razor_. They have to assart their
+dignity, tother one's dignity don't want no assartin'.
+It speaks for itself.
+
+"I won't enter into particulars now. I want to shew you
+country life; because if you don't want to hang yourself,
+don't tarry there, that's all; go and look at 'em, but
+don't stay there. If you can't help it no how, you can
+fix it, do it in three days; one to come, one to see,
+and one to go. If you do that, and make the fust late,
+and the last airly, you'll get through it; for it won't
+only make a day and a half, when sumtotalized. We'll
+fancy it, that's better than the rael thing, any time.
+
+"So lets go to a country gentleman's house, or "landed,"
+as they call 'em, cause they are so infarnally heavy.
+Well, his house is either an old onconvenient up and
+down, crooked-laned place, bad lighted, bad warmed, and
+shockin' cut up in small rooms; or a spic and span formal,
+new one, havin' all or most, according to his puss, of
+those things, about lord's houses, only on a smaller
+scale.
+
+"Well, I'll arrive in time for dinner, I'll titivate
+myself up, and down to drawin'-room, and whose the company
+that's to dine there? Why, cuss 'em, half a dozen of
+these gents own the country for miles round, so they have
+to keep some company at the house, and the rest is
+neighbours.
+
+"Now for goodness gracious sake, jist let's see who they
+be! Why one or two poor parsons, that have nothin' new
+in 'em, and nothin' new on 'em, goodish sort of people
+too, only they larf a leetle, jist a leetle louder at
+host's jokes, than at mine, at least, I suspicion it,
+'cause I never could see nothin' to larf at in his jokes.
+One or two country nobs of brother landed gents, that
+look as big as if the whole of the three per cent consols
+was in their breeches pockets; one or two damsels, that
+was young once, but have confessed to bein' old maids,
+drop't the word 'Miss,' 'cause it sounded ridikilous,
+and took the title of 'Mrs.' to look like widders. Two
+or three wivewomen of the Chinese stock, a bustin' of
+their stays off a'most, and as fat as show-beef; an oldest
+son or two, with the eend of the silver spoon he was born
+with, a peepin' out o' the corner of his mouth, and his
+face as vacant as a horn lantern without a candle in it;
+a younger son or so jist from college, who looks as if
+he had an idea he'd have to airn his livin', and whose
+lantern face looks as if it had had a candle in it, that
+had e'en amost burnt the sides out, rather thin and pale,
+with streaks of Latin and Greek in it; one or two
+everlastin' pretty young galls, so pretty as there is
+nothin' to do, you can't hardly help bein' spooney on
+'em.
+
+"Matchless galls, they be too, for there is no matches
+for 'em. The primur-genitur boy takes all so they have
+no fortin. Well, a younger son won't do for 'em, for he
+has no fortin; and t'other primo geno there, couldn't if
+he would, for he wants the estate next to hisn, and has
+to take the gall that owns it, or he won't get it. I pity
+them galls, I do upon my soul. It's a hard fate, that,
+as Minster sais, in his pretty talk, to bud, unfold,
+bloom, wither, and die on the parent stock, and have no
+one to pluck the rose, and put it in his bosom, aint it?
+
+"Dinner is ready, and you lock and lock, and march off
+two and two, to t'other room, and feed. Well, the dinner
+is like town dinner, there aint much difference, there
+is some; there is a difference atween a country coat,
+and a London coat; but still they look alike, and are
+intended to be as near the same as they can. The appetite
+is better than town folks, and there is more eatin' and
+less talkin', but the talkin', like the eatin', is heavy
+and solemcoloy.
+
+"Now do, Mr. Poker, that's a good soul, now do, Squire,
+look at the sarvants. Do you hear that feller, a blowin'
+and a wheesin' like a hoss that's got the heaves? Well
+he is so fat and lazy, and murders beef and beer so, he
+has got the assmy, and walkin' puts him out o' breath--aint
+it beautiful! Faithful old sarvant that, so attached to
+the family! which means the family prog. Always to home!
+which means he is always eatin' and drinkin', and hante
+time to go out. So respectful! which means bowin' is an
+everlastin' sight easier, and safer too, nor talkin' is.
+So honest! which means, parquisites covers all he takes.
+Keeps every thin' in such good order! which means he
+makes the women do his work. Puts every thin' in it's
+place, he is so methodical! which means, there is no
+young children in the house, and old aunty always puts
+things back where she takes 'em from. For she is a good
+bit of stuff is aunty, as thin, tough, and soople as a
+painter's palate knife. Oh, Lord! how I would like to
+lick him with a bran new cow hide whip, round and round
+the park, every day, an hour afore breakfast, to improve
+his wind, and teach him how to mend his pace. I'd repair
+his old bellowses for him, I know.
+
+"Then look at the butler, how he tordles like a Terrapin;
+he has got the gout, that feller, and no wonder, nother.
+Every decanter that comes in has jist half a bottle in
+it, the rest goes in tastin', to see it aint corked. His
+character would suffer if a bit o' cork floated in it.
+Every other bottle is corked, so he drinks that bottle,
+and opens another, and gives master half of it. The
+housekeeper pets him, calls him Mr., asks him if he has
+heard from Sir Philip lately, hintin' that he is of gentle
+blood, only the wrong side of the blanket, and that
+pleases him. They are both well to do in the world. Vails
+count up in time, and they talk big sometimes, when alone
+together, and hint at warnin' off the old knight, marryin',
+and settin' up a tripe shop, some o' these days; don't
+that hint about wedlock bring him a nice little hot supper
+that night, and don't that little supper bring her a
+tumbler of nice mulled wine, and don't both on 'em look
+as knowin' as a boiled codfish, and a shelled oyster,
+that's all.
+
+"He once got warned himself, did old Thomas, so said he,
+'Where do you intend to go master?' 'Me,' said the old
+man, scratchin' his head, and lookin' puzzled 'nowhere.'
+'Oh, I thought _you_ intend to leave, said Thomas for
+_I_ don't.' 'Very good that, Thomas, come I like that.'
+The old knight's got an anecdote by that, and nanny-goats
+aint picked up every day in the country. He tells that
+to every stranger, every stranger larfs, and the two
+parsons larf, and the old 'Sir' larfs so, he wakes up an
+old sleepin' cough that most breaks his ribs, and Thomas
+is set up for a character.
+
+"Well, arter servants is gone, and women folks made
+themselves scarce, we haul up closer to the table, have
+more room for legs, and then comes the most interestin'
+part. Poor rates, quarter sessions, turnpikes, corn-laws,
+next assizes, rail-roads and parish matters, with a touch
+of the horse and dog between primo and secondo genitur,
+for variety. If politics turn up, you can read who host
+is in a gineral way with half an eye. If he is an
+ante-corn-lawer, then he is a manufacturer that wants to
+grind the poor instead of grain. He is a _new man_ and
+reformer. If he goes up to the bob for corn-law, then he
+wants to live and let live, is _of an old family_, and
+a tory. Talk of test oaths bein' done away with. Why Lord
+love you, they are in full force here yet. See what a
+feller swears by--that's his test, and no mistake.
+
+"Well, you wouldn't guess now there was so much to talk
+of, would you? But hear 'em over and over every day, the
+same everlastin' round, and you would think the topics
+not so many arter all, I can tell you. It soon runs out,
+and when it does, you must wait till the next rain, for
+another freshet to float these heavy logs on.
+
+"Coffee comes, and then it's up and jine the ladies.
+Well, then talk is tried agin, but it's no go; they can't
+come it, and one of the good-natured fat old lady-birds
+goes to the piany, and sits on the music stool. Oh,
+Hedges! how it creaks, but it's good stuff, I guess, it
+will carry double this hitch; and she sings 'I wish I
+was a butterfly.' Heavens and airth! the fust time I
+heard one of these hugeaceous critters come out with that
+queer idee, I thought I should a dropt right off of the
+otter man on the floor, and rolled over and over a-laughin',
+it tickled me so, it makes me larf now only to think of
+it. Well, the wings don't come, such big butterflies have
+to grub it in spite of Old Nick, and after wishin' and
+wishin' ever so long in vain, one of the young galls sits
+down and sings in rael right down airnest, 'I _won't_ be
+a nun.' Poor critter! there is some sense in that, but
+I guess she will be bleeged to be, for all that.
+
+"Now eatin' is done, talkin' is done, and singin' is
+done; so here is chamber candles, and off to bed, that
+is if you are a-stayin' there. If you ain't, 'Mr. Weather
+Mutton's carriage is ready, Sir,' and Mr. Weather Mutton
+and Mrs. Weather Mutton and the entire stranger get in,
+and when you do, you are in for it, I can tell you. You
+are in for a seven mile heat at least of cross country
+roads, axletree deep, rain pour-in' straight up and down
+like Niagara, high hedges, deep ditches full of water,
+dark as Egypt; ain't room to pass nothin' if you meet
+it, and don't feel jist altogether easy about them cussed
+alligators and navigators, critters that work on rail-roads
+all day, and on houses and travellers by night.
+
+"If you come with Mr. Weather Mutton, you seed the carriage
+in course. It's an old one, a family one, and as heavy
+as an ox cart. The hosses are old, family hosses,
+everlastin' fat, almighty lazy, and the way they travel
+is a caution to a snail. It's vulgar to go fast, its only
+butcher's hosses trot quick, and besides, there is no
+hurry--there is nothin' to do to home. Affectionate
+couple! happy man! he takes his wife's hand in his--
+kisses it? No, not he, but he puts his head back in the
+corner of the carriage, and goes to sleep, and dreams--of
+her? Not he indeed, but of a saddle of mutton and curren'
+jelly.
+
+"Well, if you are a-stoppin' at Sir Littleeared Bighead's,
+you escape the flight by night, and go to bed and think
+of homeland natur'. Next mornin', or rather next noon,
+down to breakfast. Oh, it's awfully stupid! That second
+nap in the mornin' always fuddles the head, and makes it
+as mothery as ryled cyder grounds. Nobody looks as sweet
+as sugar candy quite, except them two beautiful galls
+and their honey lips. But them is only to look at. If
+you want honey, there is some on a little cut glass, dug
+out of a dish. But you can't eat it, for lookin' at the
+genu_wine_, at least I can't, and never could. I don't
+know what you can do.
+
+"P'raps you'd like to look at the picture, it will sarve
+to pass away time. They are family ones. And family
+picture, sarve as a history. Our Mexican Indgians did
+all their history in picture. Let's go round the room
+and look. Lawful heart! what a big "Brown ox" that is.
+Old "Star and Garters;" father fatted him. He was a prize
+ox; he eat a thousand bushel of turnips, a thousand pound
+of oil cake, a thousand of hay, and a thousand weight of
+mangel wurzel, and took a thousand days to fat, and
+weighed ever so many thousands too. I don't believe it,
+but I don't say so, out of manners, for I'll take my oath
+he was fatted on porter, because he looks exactly like
+the footman on all fours. He is a walking "_Brown Stout_,"
+that feller.
+
+"There is a hunter, come, I like hosses; but this brute
+was painted when at grass, and is too fat to look well,
+guess he was a goodish hoss in his day though. He ain't
+a bad cut that's a fact.
+
+"Hullo! what's this pictur? Why, this is from our side
+of the water, as I am a livin' sinner, this is a
+New-Foundlander, this dog; yes, and he is of the true
+genu_wine_ breed too, look at his broad forehead--his
+dew-claws--his little ears; (Sir Littleeared must have
+been named arter him), his long hair--his beautiful eye.
+He is a first chop article that; but, oh Lord, he is too
+shockin' fat altogether. He is like Mother Gary's
+chickens, they are all fat and feathers. A wick run
+through 'em makes a candle. This critter is all hair and
+blubber, if he goes too near the grate, he'll catch into
+a blaze and set fire to the house.
+
+"There's our friend the host with cap and gold tassel
+on, ridin' on his back, and there's his younger brother,
+(that died to Cambridge from settin' up all night for
+his degree, and suppin' on dry mathematics, and swallerin'
+"Newton" whole) younger brother like, walkin' on foot,
+and leadin' the dog by the head, while the heir is a
+scoldin' him for not goin' faster.
+
+"Then, there is an old aunty that a forten come from.
+She looks like a bale o' cotton, fust screwed as tight
+as possible, and then corded hard. Lord, if they had only
+a given her a pinch of snuff, when she was full dressed
+and trussed, and sot her a sneezin', she'd a blowed up,
+and the fortin would have come twenty years sooner.
+
+"Yes, it's a family pictur, indeed, they are all family
+picture. They are all fine animals, but over fed and
+under worked.
+
+"Now it's up and take a turn in the gardens. There is
+some splendid flowers on that slope. You and the galls
+go to look at 'em, and jist as you get there, the grass
+is juicy from the everlastin' rain, and awful slippy; up
+go your heels, and down goes stranger on the broad of
+his back, slippin' and slidin' and coastin' right down
+the bank, slap over the light mud-earth bed, and crushin'
+the flowers as flat as a pancake, and you yaller ochered
+all over, clean away from the scruff of your neck, down
+to the tip eend of your heel. The galls larf, the helps
+larf, and the, bed-room maid larfs; and who the plague
+can blame them? Old Marm don't larf though, because she
+is too perlite, and besides, she's lost her flowers, and
+that's no larfin' matter; and you don't larf, 'cause you
+feel a little the nastiest you ever did, and jist as near
+like a fool as to be taken for one, in the dark, that's
+a fact.
+
+"Well, you renew the outer man, and try it agin, and it's
+look at the stable and hosses with Sir Host, and the
+dogs, and the carriages, and two American trees, and a
+peacock, and a guinea hen, and a gold pheasant, and a
+silver pheasant, and all that, and then lunch. Who the
+plague can eat lunch, that's only jist breakfasted?
+
+"So away goes lunch, and off goes you and the 'Sir,' a
+trampousin' and a trapsein' over the wet grass agin (I
+should like to know what ain't wet in this country), and
+ploughed fields, and wide ditches chock full of dirty
+water, if you slip in, to souse you most ridikelous; and
+over gates that's nailed up, and stiles that's got no
+steps for fear of thoroughfare, and through underwood
+that's loaded with rain-drops, away off to tother eend
+of the estate, to see the most beautiful field of turnips
+that ever was seen, only the flies eat all the plants
+up; and then back by another path, that's slumpier than
+t'other, and twice as long, that you may see an old wall
+with two broke-out winders, all covered with ivy, which
+is called a ruin. And well named it is, too, for I tore
+a bran new pair of trousers, most onhandsum, a scramblin'
+over the fences to see it, and ruined a pair of shoes
+that was all squashed out of shape by the wet and mud.
+
+"Well, arter all this day of pleasure, it is time to rig
+up in your go-to-meetin' clothes for dinner; and that
+is the same as yesterday, only stupider, if that's
+possible; and that is Life in the Country.
+
+"How the plague can it be otherwise than dull? If there
+is nothin' to see, there can't be nothin' to talk about.
+Now the town is full of things to see. There is Babbage's
+machine, and Bank Governor's machine, and the Yankee
+woman's machine, and the flyin' machine, and all sorts
+of machines, and galleries, and tunnels, and mesmerisers,
+and theatres, and flower-shows, and cattle-shows, and
+beast-shows, and every kind of show, and what's better
+nor all, beautiful got-up women, and men turned out in
+fust chop style, too.
+
+"I don't mean to say country women ain't handsum here,
+'cause they be. There is no sun here; and how in natur'
+can it be otherways than that they have good complexions.
+But it tante safe to be caged with them in a house out
+o' town. Fust thing you both do, is to get spooney, makin'
+eyes and company-faces at each other, and then think of
+matin', like a pair of doves, and that won't answer for
+the like of you and me. The fact is, Squire, if you want
+to see _women_, you musn't go to a house in the country,
+nor to mere good company in town for it, tho' there be
+first chop articles in both; but you must go among the
+big bugs the top-lofty nobility, in London; for since
+the days of old marm Eve, down to this instant present
+time, I don't think there ever was or ever will be such
+splendiferous galls as is there. Lord, the fust time I
+seed 'em it put me in mind of what happened to me at New
+Brunswick once. Governor of Maine sent me over to their
+Governor's, official-like, with a state letter, and the
+British officers axed me to dine to their mess. Well,
+the English brags so like niggers, I thought I'd prove
+'em, and set 'em off on their old trade jist for fun.
+So, says I, stranger captain, sais I, is all these forks
+and spoons, and plates and covers, and urns, and what
+nots, rael genu_wine_ solid silver, the clear thing, and
+no mistake. 'Sartainly,' said he, 'we have nothin' but
+silver here.' He did, upon my soul, just as cool, as if
+it was all true; well you can't tell a mili_tary_ what
+he sais ain't credible, or you have to fight him. It's
+considered ongenteel, so I jist puts my finger on my
+nose, and winks, as much as to say, 'I ain't such a cussed
+fool as you take me to be, I can tell you.'
+
+"When he seed I'd found him out, he larfed like any thing.
+Guess he found that was no go, for I warn't born in the
+woods to be scared by an owl, that's a fact. Well, the
+fust time I went to lord's party, I thought it was another
+brag agin; I never see nothin' like it. Heavens and
+airth, I most jumpt out o' my skin. Where onder the sun,
+sais I to myself, did he rake and scrape together such
+super-superior galls as these. This party is a kind o'
+consarvitory, he has got all the raree plants and sweetest
+roses in England here, and must have ransacked the whole
+country for 'em. Knowin' I was a judge of woman kind,
+he wants me to think they are all this way; but it's
+onpossible. They are only "shew frigates" arter all; it
+don't stand to reason, they can't be all clippers. He
+can't put the leake into me that way, so it tante no use
+tryin'. Well, the next time, I seed jist such another
+covey of partridges, same plumage, same step, and same
+breed. Well done, sais I, they are intarmed to pull the
+wool over my eyes, that's a fact, but they won't find
+that no easy matter, I know. Guess they must be done now,
+they can't show another presarve like them agin in all
+Britain. What trouble they do take to brag here, don't
+they? Well, to make a long story short; how do you think
+it eventuated, Squire? Why every party I went to, had as
+grand a shew as them, only some on 'em was better, fact
+I assure you, it's gospel truth; there ain't a word of
+a lie in it, text to the letter. I never see nothin' like
+it, since I was raised, nor dreamed nothin' like it, and
+what's more, I don't think the world has nothin' like it
+nother. It beats all natur. It takes the rag off quite.
+If that old Turk, Mahomed, had seed these galls, he
+wouldn't a bragged about his beautiful ones in paradise
+so for everlastinly, I know; for these English heifers
+would have beat 'em all holler, that's a fact. For my
+part, I call myself a judge. I have an eye there ain't
+no deceivin'. I have made it a study, and know every pint
+about a woman, as well as I do about a hoss; therefore,
+if I say so, it must be so, and no mistake. I make all
+allowances for the gear, and the gettin' up, and the
+vampin', and all that sort o' flash; but toggery won't
+make an ugly gall handsum, nohow you can fix it. It may
+lower her ugliness a leetle, but it won't raise her
+beauty, if she hante got none. But I warn't a talkin' of
+nobility; I was a talkin' of Life in the Country. But
+the wust of it is, when galls come on the carpet, I could
+talk all day; for the dear little critters, I _do_ love
+'em, that's a fact. Lick! it sets me crazy a'most. Well,
+where was we? for petticoats always puts every thing out
+o' my head. Whereabouts was we?"
+
+"You were saying that there were more things to be seen
+in London than in the country."
+
+"Exactly; now I have it. I've got the thread agin. So
+there is.
+
+"There's England's Queen, and England's Prince, and
+Hanover's King, and the old Swordbelt that whopped Bony;
+and he is better worth seem' than any man now livin' on
+the face of the univarsal airth, let t'other one be where
+he will, that's a fact. He is a great man, all through
+the piece, and no mistake. If there was--what do you
+call that word, when one man's breath pops into 'nother
+man's body, changin' lodgins, like?"
+
+"Do you mean transmigration?"
+
+"Yes; if there was such a thing as that, I should say it
+was old Liveoak himself, Mr. Washington, that was
+transmigrated into him, and that's no mean thing to say
+of him, I tell you.
+
+"Well now, there's none o' these things to the country;
+and it's so everlastin' stupid, it's only a Britisher
+and a nigger that could live in an English country-house.
+A nigger don't like movin', and it would jist suit him,
+if it warn't so awful wet and cold.
+
+  "Oh if I was President of these here United States,
+   I'd suck sugar candy and swing upon de gates;
+   And them I didn't like, I'd strike 'em off de docket,
+   And the way we'd go ahead, would be akin to Davy Crockit.
+   With my zippy dooden, dooden dooden, dooden dooden dey,
+   With my zippy dooden, dooden dooden, dooden dooden dey.
+
+"It might do for a nigger, suckin' sugar candy and drinkin'
+mint-julep; but it won't do for a free and enlightened
+citizen like me. A country house--oh goody gracious!
+the Lord presarve me from it, I say. If ever any soul
+ever catches me there agin, I'll give 'em leave to tell
+me of it, that's all. Oh go, Squire, by all means; you
+will find it monstrous pleasant, I know you will. Go
+and spend a week there; it will make you feel up in the
+stirrups, I know. Pr'aps nothin' can exceed it. It takes
+the rag off the bush quite. It caps all, that's a fact,
+does 'Life in the Country.'
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VIII.
+
+BUNKUM.
+
+I am not surprised at the views expressed by Mr. Slick
+in the previous chapter. He has led too active a life,
+and his habits and thoughts are too business-like to
+admit of his enjoying retirement, or accommodating himself
+to the formal restraints of polished society. And yet,
+after making this allowance for his erratic life, it is
+but fair to add that his descriptions were always
+exaggerated; and, wearied as he no doubt was by the
+uniformity of country life, yet in describing it, he has
+evidently seized on the most striking features, and made
+them more prominent than they really appeared, even to
+his fatigued and prejudiced vision.
+
+In other respects, they are just the sentiments we may
+suppose would be naturally entertained by a man like the
+Attache, under such circumstances. On the evening after
+that on which he had described "Life in the Country" to
+me, he called with two "orders" for admission to the
+House of Commons, and took me down with him to hear the
+debates.
+
+"It's a great sight," said he. "We shall see all their
+uppercrust men put their best foot out. There's a great
+musterin' of the tribes, to-night, and the Sachems will
+come out with a great talk. There'll be some sport, I
+guess; some hard hittin', scalpin', and tomahawkin'. To
+see a Britisher scalp a Britisher is equal to a bullfight,
+anytime. You don't keer whether the bull, or the horse,
+or the rider is killed, none of 'em is nothin' to you;
+so you can enjoy it, and hurror for him that wins. I
+don't keer who carries the day, the valy of a treat of
+julep, but I want to see the sport. It's excitin', them
+things. Come, let's go."
+
+We were shown into a small gallery, at one end of the
+legislative wall (the two side ones being appropriated
+to members), and with some difficulty found sitting room
+in a place that commanded a view of the whole house. We
+were unfortunate. All the great speakers, Lord Stanley,
+Sir Robert Peel, Sir James Graham, Shiel, and Lord John
+Russell, had either already addressed the Chair, and were
+thereby precluded by the rules of the House from coming
+forward again, or did not choose to answer second-rate
+men. Those whom we did hear, made a most wretched
+exhibition. About one o'clock, the adjournment took place,
+and we returned, fatigued and disappointed.
+
+"Did you ever see the beat of that, Squire?" said Mr.
+Slick. "Don't that take the rag off quite? Cuss them
+fellers that spoke, they are wuss than assembly men, hang
+me if they aint; and _they_ aint fit to tend a bear trap,
+for they'd be sure to catch themselves, if they did, in
+their own pit-fall.
+
+"Did you hear that Irishman a latherin' away with both
+arms, as if he was tryin' to thrash out wheat, and see
+how bothered he looked, as if he couldn't find nothin'
+but dust and chaff in the straw? Well, that critter was
+agin the Bill, in course, and Irish like, used every
+argument in favour of it. Like a pig swimmin' agin stream,
+every time he struck out, he was a cuttin' of his own
+throat. He then blob blob blobbered, and gog gog goggled,
+till he choked with words and passion, and then sot down.
+
+"Then that English Radical feller, that spoke with great
+voice, and little sense. Aint he a beauty, without paint,
+that critter? He know'd he had to vote agin the Bill,
+'cause it was a Government Bill, and be know'd he had to
+speak for _Bunkum_, and therefore--"
+
+"_Bunkum!_" I said, "pray, what is that?"
+
+"Did you never hear of Bunkum?"
+
+"No, never."
+
+"Why, you don't mean to say you don't know what that is?"
+
+"I do not indeed."
+
+"Not Bunkum? Why, there is more of it to Nova Scotia
+every winter, than would paper every room in Government
+House, and then curl the hair of every gall in the town.
+Not heer of _Bunkum_? why how you talk!"
+
+"No, never."
+
+"Well, if that don't pass! I thought every body know'd
+that word. I'll tell you then, what Bunkum is. All over
+America, every place likes to hear of its members to
+Congress, and see their speeches, and if they don't, they
+send a piece to the paper, enquirin' if their member died
+a nateral death, or was skivered with a bowie knife, for
+they hante seen his speeches lately, and his friends are
+anxious to know his fate. Our free and enlightened citizens
+don't approbate silent members; it don't seem to them as
+if Squashville, or Punkinville, or Lumbertown was right
+represented, unless Squashville, or Punkinville, or
+Lumbertown, makes itself heard and known, ay, and feared
+too. So every feller in bounden duty, talks, and talks
+big too, and the smaller the State, the louder, bigger,
+and fiercer its members talk.
+
+"Well, when a critter talks for talk sake, jist to have
+a speech in the paper to send to home, and not for any
+other airthly puppus but electioneering, our folks call
+it _Bunkum_. Now the State o' Maine is a great place
+for _Bunkum_--its members for years threatened to run
+foul of England, with all steam on, and sink her, about
+the boundary line, voted a million of dollars, payable
+in pine logs and spruce boards, up to Bangor mills--and
+called out a hundred thousand militia, (only they never
+come,) to captur' a saw mill to New Brunswick--that's
+_Bunkum_. All that flourish about Right o' Sarch was
+_Bunkum_--all that brag about hangin' your Canada sheriff
+was _Bunkum_. All the speeches about the Caroline, and
+Creole, and Right of Sarch, was _Bunkum_, In short, almost
+all that's said _in Congress_ in _the colonies_, (for we
+set the fashions to them, as Paris galls do to our
+milliners,) and all over America is _Bunkum_.
+
+"Well, they talk Bunkum here too, as well as there.
+Slavery speeches are all Bunkum; so are reform speeches,
+too. Do you think them fellers that keep up such an
+everlastin' gab about representation, care one cent about
+the extension of franchise? Why no, not they; it's only
+to secure their seats to gull their constituents, to get
+a name. Do you think them goneys that make such a touss
+about the Arms' Bill, care about the Irish? No, not they;
+they want Irish votes, that's all--it's _Bunkum_. Do you
+jist go and mesmerise John Russell, and Macauley, and
+the other officers of the regiment of Reformers, and then
+take the awkward squad of recruits--fellers that were
+made drunk with excitement, and then enlisted with the
+promise of a shillin', which they never got, the sargeants
+having drank it all; go and mesmerise them all, from
+General Russell down to Private Chartist, clap 'em into
+a caterwaulin' or catalapsin' sleep, or whatever the word
+is, and make 'em tell the secrets of their hearts, as
+Dupotet did the Clear-voyancing gall, and jist hear what
+they'll tell you.
+
+"Lord John will say--'I was sincere!' (and I believe on
+my soul he was. He is wrong beyond all doubt, but he is
+an honest man, and a clever man, and if he had taken his
+_own_ way more, and given Powlet Thompson _his_ less, he
+would a' been a great colony secretary; and more's the
+pity he is in such company. He'll get off his beam ends,
+and right himself though, yet, I guess.) Well, he'd
+say--'I was sincere, I was disinterested; but I am
+disappointed. I have awakened a pack of hungry villains
+who have sharp teeth, long claws, and the appetite of
+the devil. They have swallered all I gave 'em, and now
+would eat me up without salt, if they could. Oh, that I
+could hark back! _there is no satisfyin' a movement
+party_.'
+
+"Now what do the men say, (I don't mean men of rank, but
+the men in the ranks),--'Where's all the fine things we
+were promised when Reform gained the day?' sais they,
+'ay, where are they? for we are wuss off than ever, now,
+havin' lost all our old friends, and got bilked by our
+new ones tarnationly. What did all their fine speeches
+end in at last? Bunkum; damn the thing but Bunkum.
+
+"But that aint the wust of it, nother. Bunkum, like lyin',
+is plaguy apt to make a man believe his own bams at last.
+From telling 'em so often, he forgets whether he grow'd
+'em or dreamt 'em, and so he stands' right up on end,
+kisses the book, and swears to 'em, as positive as the
+Irishman did to the gun, which he said he know'd ever
+since it was a pistol. Now, _that's Bunkum_.
+
+"But to get back to what we was a talkin' of, did you
+ever hear such bad speakin' in your life, now tell me
+candid? because if you have, I never did, that's all.
+Both sides was bad, it aint easy to say which is wus,
+six of one and half a dozen of t'other, nothin to brag
+of nary way. That government man, that spoke in their
+favour, warn't his speech rich?
+
+"Lord love you! I aint no speaker, I never made but one
+speech since I was raised, and that was afore a Slickville
+legislatur, and then I broke down. I know'd who I was
+a talkin' afore; they was men that had cut their eye-teeth,
+and that you could'nt pull the wool over their eyes,
+nohow you could fix it, and I was young then. Now I'm
+growed up, I guess, and I've got my narves in the right
+place, and as taught as a drum; and I _could_ speak if
+I was in the House o' Commons, that's a fact. If a man
+was to try there, that was worth any thin', he'd find he
+was a flute without knowin' it. They don't onderstand
+nothin' but Latin and Greek, and I'd buoy out them sand
+banks, keep the lead agoin', stick to the channel, and
+never take ground, I know. The way I'd cut water aint no
+matter. Oh Solomon! what a field for good speakin' that
+question was to-night, if they only had half an eye, them
+fellers, and what a'most a beautiful mess they made of
+it on both sides!
+
+"I ain't a vain man, and never was. You know, Squire,
+I hante a mossel of it in my composition; no, if you was
+to look at me with a ship's glass you wouldn't see a
+grease spot of it in me. I don't think any of us Yankees
+is vain people; it's a thing don't grow in our diggins.
+We have too much sense in a giniral way for that; indeed
+if we wanted any, we couldn't get none for love nor money,
+for John Bull has a monopoly of it. He won't open the
+trade. It's a home market he looks to, and the best of
+it is, he thinks he hante none to spare.
+
+"Oh, John Bull, John Bull, when you are full rigged, with
+your white cravat and white waistcoat like Young England,
+and have got your go-to-meetin' clothes on, if you ain't
+a sneezer, it's a pity, that's all. No, I ain't a vain
+man, I despise it, as I do a nigger; but, Squire, what
+a glorious field the subject to-night is for a man that
+knows what's what, and was up to snuff, ain't it? Airth
+and seas! if I was there, I could speak on either side;
+for like Waterloo it's a fair field; it's good ground
+for both parties. Heavens what a speech I could make!
+I'd electrify 'em and kill 'em dead like lightnin', and
+then galvanise 'em and fetch' em to life agin, and then
+give them exhiliratin' gass and set 'em a larfin', till
+they fairly wet themselves agin with cryin'. Wouldn't it
+be fun, that's all? I could sting Peel so if I liked,
+he'd think a galley nipper had bit him, and he'd spring
+right off the floor on to the table at one jump, gout or
+no gout, ravin' mad with pain and say, 'I'm bit thro'
+the boot by Gosh;' or if I was to take his side, for I
+care so little about the British, all sides is alike to
+me, I'd make them Irish members dance like ravin',
+distractin' bed bugs. I'd make 'em howl, first wicked
+and then dismal, I know.
+
+"But they can't do it, to save their souls alive; some
+has it in 'em and can't get it out, physic 'em as you
+would, first with vanity, and then with office; others
+have got a way out, but have nothin' to drive thro' the
+gate; some is so timid, they can't go ahead; and others
+are in such an infarnal hurry, they spend the whole time
+in false starts.
+
+"No, there, is no good oratory to parliament now, and
+the English brag so, I doubt if it ever was so good, as
+they say it was in old times. At any rate, it's all got
+down to "Bunkum" now. It's makin' a speech for newspapers
+and not for the House. It's to tell on voters and not on
+members. Then, what a row they make, don't they? Hear,
+hear, hear; divide, divide, divide; oh, oh, oh; haw, haw,
+haw. It tante much different from stump oratory in America
+arter all, or speakin' off a whiskey barrel, is it? It's
+a sort of divil me-kear-kind o' audience; independent
+critters, that look at a feller full in the face, as
+sarcy as the divil; as much as to say, 'Talk away, my
+old 'coon, you won't alter me, I can tell you, it's all
+_Bunkum_.'
+
+"Lord, I shall never forget poor old Davy Crocket's last
+speech; there was no "bunkum" in that. He despised it;
+all good shots do, they aim right straight for the mark
+and hit it. There's no shootin' round the ring, with them
+kinder men. Poor old feller, he was a great hunter; a
+great shot with the rifle, a great wit, and a great man.
+He didn't leave his _span_ behind him, when he slipt off
+the handle, I know.
+
+"Well he stood for an election and lost it, just afore
+he left the States; so when it was over, he slings his
+powder horn on, over his shoulders, takes his "Betsey,"
+which was his best rifle, onder his arm, and mounts on
+a barrel, to talk it into his constituents, and take
+leave of 'em.
+
+"'Feller citizens,' sais he, 'we've had a fair stand-up
+fight for it, and I'm whipped, that are a fact; and thar
+is no denyin' of it. I've come now to take my leave of
+you. You may all go to H--l, and I'll go to Texas.'
+
+"And he stepped right down, and went over the boundary,
+and jined the patriots agin Mexico, and was killed there.
+
+"Why it will never be forgot, that speech. It struck into
+the bull's eye of the heart. It was noble. It said so
+much in a few words, and left the mind to fill the gaps
+up. The last words is a sayin' now, and always will be,
+to all etarnity. Whenever a feller wants to shew how
+indifferent he is, he jist sais, 'you may go to (hem,
+hem, you know,) and I'll go to Texas.' There is no _Bunkum_
+in that, Squire.
+
+"Yes, there is no good speakin' there, speakin' is no
+use. Every feller is pledged and supports his party. A
+speech don't alter no man's opinions; yes it _may_ alter
+his _opinions_, but it don't alter his vote, that ain't
+his'n, it's his party's. Still, there is some credit in
+a good speech, and some fun too. No feller there has any
+ridicule; he has got no ginger in him, he can neither
+crack his whip, nor lay it on; he can neither cut the
+hide nor sting it. Heavens! if I was there I and I'm sure
+it's no great boastin' to say I'm better than such fellers,
+as them small fry of white bait is. If I was there, give
+me a good subject like that to-night, give me a good horn
+of lignum vitae--"
+
+"Lignum vitae--what's that?"
+
+"Lord-o-massy on us! you don't know nothin', Squire.
+Where have you been all your born days, not to know what
+lignum vitae is? why lignum vitae, is hot brandy and
+water to be sure, pipin' hot, scald an iron pot amost,
+and spiced with cloves and sugar in it, stiff enough to
+make a tea-spoon stand up in it, as straight as a dead
+nigger. Wine ain't no good, it goes off as quick as the
+white beads off of champaign does, and then leaves a
+stupid head-ache behind it. But give me the subject and
+a horn of lignum vitae (of the wickedest kind), and then
+let a feller rile me, so as to get my back up like a
+fightin' cat's, and I'll tell you what I'd do, I'd sarve
+him as our Slickville boys sarve the cows to California.
+One on 'em lays hold of the tail, and the other skins
+her as she runs strait an eend. Next year, it's all growed
+ready for another flayin'. Fact, I assure you. Lord!
+I'd skin a feller so, his hide would never grow agin;
+I'd make a caution of him to sinners, I know.
+
+"Only hear them fellers now talk of extendin' of the
+representation; why the house is a mob now, plaguy little
+better, I assure you. Like the house in Cromwell's time,
+they want "Sam Slick's" purge. But talkin' of mobs, puts
+me in mind of a Swoi-ree, I told you I'd describe that
+to you, and I don't care if I do now, for I've jist got
+my talkin' tacks aboard. A Swoi-ree is--
+
+"We'll talk of that some other time, Mr. Slick," said I;
+"it is now near two o'clock, I must retire."
+
+"Well, well," said he, "I suppose it is e'en a'most time
+to be a movin'. But, Squire, you are a Britisher, why
+the plague don't you get into the house? you know more
+about colony matters than the whole bilin' of" them put
+together, quite as much about other things, and speak
+like a--"
+
+"Come, come, Mr. Slick," said I, rising and lighting my
+bed-room candle, "it is now high time to bid you good
+night, for you are beginning to talk _Bunkum_."
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IX.
+
+THROWING THE LAVENDER.
+
+Mr. Slick's character, like that of many of his countrymen,
+is not so easily understood as a person might suppose.
+We err more often than we are aware of, when we judge of
+others by ourselves. English tourists have all fallen
+into this mistake, in their, estimate of the Americans.
+They judge them by their own standard; they attribute
+effects to wrong causes, forgetting that a different tone
+of feeling, produced by a different social and political
+state from their own, must naturally produce dissimilar
+results.
+
+Any person reading the last sketch containing the account,
+given by Mr. Slick of the House of Commons, his opinion
+of his own abilities as a speaker, and his aspiration
+after a seat in that body, for the purpose of "skinning,"
+as he calls it, impertinent or stupid members, could not
+avoid coming to the conclusion that he was a conceited
+block-head; and that if his countrymen talked in that
+absurd manner, they must be the weakest, and most
+vain-glorious people in the world.
+
+That he is a vain man, cannot he denied--self-taught men
+are apt to be so every where; but those who understand
+the New England humour, will at once perceive, that he
+has spoken in his own name merely as a personification,
+and that the whole passage means after all, when transposed
+into that phraseology which an, Englishman would use,
+very little more than this, that the House of Commons
+presented a noble field for a man of abilities as a public
+speaker; but that in fact, it contained very few such
+persons. We must not judge of words or phrases, when used
+by foreigners, by the sense we attribute to them, but
+endeavour to understand the meaning they attach to them
+themselves.
+
+In Mexico, if you admire any thing, the proprietor
+immediately says, "Pray do me the honour to consider it
+yours, I shall be most happy, if you will permit me, to
+place it upon you, (if it be an ornament), or to send it
+to your hotel," if it be of a different description. All
+this means in English, a present; in Mexican Spanish, a
+civil speech, purporting that the owner is gratified,
+that it meets the approbation of his visiter. A Frenchman,
+who heard this grandiloquent reply to his praises of a
+horse, astonished his friend, by thanking him in terms
+equally amplified, accepting it, and riding it home.
+
+Mr. Slick would be no less amazed, if understood literally.
+He has used a peculiar style; here again, a stranger
+would be in error, in supposing the phraseology common
+to all Americans. It is peculiar only to a certain class
+of persons in a certain state of life, and in a particular
+section of the States. Of this class, Mr. Slick is a
+specimen. I do not mean to say he is not a vain man, but
+merely that a portion only of that, which appears so to
+us, is vanity, and that the rest and by far the greater
+portion too, is local or provincial peculiarity.
+
+This explanation is due to the Americans, who have been
+grossly misrepresented, and to the English, who have been
+egregiously deceived, by persons attempting to delineate
+character, who were utterly incapable of perceiving those
+minute lights and shades, without which, a portrait
+becomes a contemptible daub, or at most a mere caricature.
+
+"A droll scene that at the house o' represen_tatives_
+last night," said Mr. Slick when we next met, "warn't
+it? A sort o' rookery, like that at the Shropshire
+Squire's, where I spent the juicy day. What a darned
+cau-cau-cawin' they keep, don't they? These members are
+jist like the rooks, too, fond of old houses, old woods,
+old trees, and old harnts. And they are jist as proud,
+too, as they be. Cuss 'em, they won't visit a new man,
+or new plantation. They are too aristocratic for that.
+They have a circle of their own. Like the rooks, too,
+they are privileged to scour over the farmers' fields
+all round home, and play the very devil.
+
+"And then a fellow can't hear himself speak for 'em;
+divide, divide, divide, question, question, question;
+cau, cau, cau, cau, cau, cau. Oh! we must go there again.
+I want you to see Peel, Stanley, Graham, Shiel, Russell,
+Macauley, Old Joe, and so on. These men are all upper
+crust here. Fust of all, I want to hear your opinion of
+'em. I take you to be a considerable of a good judge in
+these matters."
+
+"No Bunkum, Mr. Slick."
+
+"D--- that word Bunkum! If you say that 'ere agin, I
+won't say another syllable, so come now. Don't I know
+who you are? You know every mite, and morsel as well as
+I do, that you be a considerable of a judge of these
+critters, though you are nothin' but an outlandish
+colonist; and are an everlastin' sight better judge, too,
+if you come to that, than them that judge _you_. Cuss
+'em, the state would be a nation sight better sarved, if
+one o' these old rooks was sent out to try trover for a
+goose, and larceny for an old hat, to Nova Scotia, and
+you was sent for to take the ribbons o' the state coach
+here; hang me if it wouldn't. You know that, and feel
+your oats, too, as well as any one. So don't be so infarnal
+mealy-mouthed, with your mock modesty face, a turnin' up
+of the whites of your eyes as if you was a chokin', and
+savin' 'No _Bun-kum_, Mr. Slick.' Cuss that word Bunkum!
+I am sorry I ever told you that are story, you will be
+for everlastinly a throwin' up of that are, to me now.
+
+"Do you think if I warnted to soft sawder you, I'd take
+the white-wash brush to you, and slobber it, on, as a
+nigger wench does to a board fence, or a kitchen wall to
+home, and put your eyes out with the lime? No, not I;
+but I could tickel you though, and have done it afore
+now, jist for practice, and you warn't a bit the wiser.
+Lord, I'd take a camel's-hair brush to you, knowin' how
+skittish and ticklesome you are, and do it so it would
+feel good. I'd make you feel kinder pleasant, I know,
+and you'd jist bend your face over to it, and take it as
+kindly as a gall does a whisper, when your lips keep jist
+a brushin' of the cheek while you are a talkin'. I wouldn't
+go to shock you by a doin' of it coarse; you are too
+quick, and too knowin' for that. You should smell the
+otter o' roses, and sniff, sniff it up your nostrils,
+and say to yourself, 'How nice that is, ain't it? Come,
+I like that, how sweet it stinks!' I wouldn't go for to
+dash scented water on your face, as a hired lady does on
+a winder to wash it, it would make you start back, take
+out your pocket-handkercher, and say, "Come, _Mister_
+Slick, no nonsense, if you please." I'd do it delicate,
+I know my man: I'd use a light touch, a soft brush, and
+a smooth oily rouge."
+
+"Pardon me," I said, "you overrate your own powers, and
+over-estimate my vanity. You are flattering yourself now,
+you can't flatter me, for I detest it."
+
+"Creation, man," said Mr. Slick, "I have done it now
+afore your face, these last five minutes, and you didn't
+know it. Well, if that don't bang the bush. It's tarnation
+all over that. Tellin' you, you was so knowin', so shy
+if touched on the flanks; how difficult you was to take-in,
+bein' a sensible, knowin' man, what's that but soft
+sawder? You swallowed it all. You took it off without
+winkin', and opened your mouth as wide as a young blind
+robbin does for another worm, and then down went the
+Bunkum about making you a Secretary of State, which was
+rather a large bolus to swaller, without a draft; down,
+down it went, like a greased-wad through a smooth rifle
+bore; it did, upon my soul. Heavens! what a take in! what
+a splendid sleight-of-hand! I never did nothin' better
+in all my born days. I hope I may be shot, if I did.
+Ha! ha! ha! ain't it rich? Don't it cut six inches on
+the rib of clear shear, that. Oh! it's han_sum_, that's
+a fact."
+
+"It's no use to talk about it, Mr. Slick," I replied;
+"I plead guilty. You took me in then. You touched a weak
+point. You insensibly flattered my vanity, by assenting
+to my self-sufficiency, in supposing I was exempt from
+that universal frailty of human nature; you "_threw the
+Lavender_" well."
+
+"I did put the leake into you, Squire, that's a fact,"
+said he; "but let me alone, I know what I am about; let
+me talk on, my own way. Swaller what you like, spit out
+what is too strong for you; but don't put a drag-chain
+on to me, when I am a doin' tall talkin', and set my
+wheels as fast as pine stumps. You know me, and I know
+you. You know my speed, and I know your bottom don't
+throw back in the breetchin' for nothin' that way."
+
+"Well, as I was a-sayin', I want you to see these great
+men, as they call 'em. Let's weigh 'em, and measure 'em,
+and handle 'em, and then price 'em, and see what their
+market valy is. Don't consider 'em as Tories, or Whigs,
+or Radicals; we hante got nothin' to do with none o'
+them; but consider 'em as statesmen. It's pot-luck with
+'em all; take your fork as the pot biles up, jab it in,
+and fetch a feller up, see whether he is beef, pork or
+mutton; partridge, rabbit or lobster; what his name,
+grain and flavour is, and how you like him. Treat 'em
+indifferent, and treat 'em independent.
+
+"I don't care a chaw o' tobacky for the whole on 'em;
+and none on 'em care a pinch o' snuff for you or any
+Hortentort of a colonist that ever was or ever will be.
+Lord love you! if you was to write like Scott, and map
+the human mind like Bacon, would it advance you a bit in
+prefarment? Not it. They have done enough for the colonists,
+they have turned 'em upside down, and given 'em responsible
+government? What more do the rascals want? Do they ask
+to be made equal to us? No, look at their social system,
+and their political system, and tell 'em your opinion
+like a man. You have heard enough of their opinions of
+colonies, and suffered enough from their erroneous ones
+too. You have had Durham reports, and commissioners'
+reports, and parliament reports till your stomach refuses
+any more on 'em. And what are they? a bundle of mistakes
+and misconceptions, from beginnin' to eend. They have
+travelled by stumblin', and have measured every thing by
+the length of their knee, as they fell on the ground, as
+a milliner measures lace, by the bendin' down of the
+forefinger--cuss 'em! Turn the tables on 'em. Report on
+_them_, measure _them_, but take care to keep your feet
+though, don't be caught trippin', don't make no mistakes.
+
+"Then we'll go to the Lords' House--I don't mean to
+meetin' house, though we must go there too, and hear Me
+Neil and Chalmers, and them sort o' cattle; but I mean
+the house where the nobles meet, pick out the big bugs,
+and see what sort o' stuff they are made of. Let's take
+minister with us--he is a great judge of these things.
+I should like you to hear his opinion; he knows every
+thin' a'most, though the ways of the world bother him a
+little sometimes; but for valyin' a man, or stating
+principles, or talkin' politics, there ain't no man equal
+to him, hardly. He is a book, that's a fact; it's all
+there what you want; all you've got to do is to cut the
+leaves. Name the word in the index, he'll turn to the
+page, and give you day, date, and fact, for it. There is
+no mistake in him.
+
+"That cussed provokin' visit of yours to Scotland will
+shove them things into the next book, I'm afeered. But
+it don't signify nothin'; you can't cram all into one,
+and we hante only broke the crust yet, and p'rhaps it's
+as well to look afore you leap too, or you might make as
+big a fool of yourself, as some of the Britishers have
+a-writin' about us and the provinces. Oh yes, it's a
+great advantage havin' minister with you. He'll fell the
+big stiff trees for you; and I'm the boy for the saplin's,
+I've got the eye and the stroke for them. They spring so
+confoundedly under the axe, does second growth and
+underwood, it's dangerous work, but I've got the sleight
+o' hand for that, and we'll make a clean field of it.
+
+"Then come and survey; take your compass and chain to
+the ground and measure, and lay that off--branch and bark
+the spars for snakin' off the ground; cord up the fire-wood,
+tie up the hoop poles, and then burn off the trash and
+rubbish. Do it workman-like. Take your time to it as if
+you was workin' by the day. Don't hurry, like job work;
+don't slobber it over, and leave half-burnt trees and
+logs strewed about the surface, but make smack smooth
+work. Do that, Squire, do it well, and that is, only
+half as good as you can, if you choose, and then--"
+
+"And then," said I, "I make no doubt you will have great
+pleasure '_in throwin' the Lavender again_."
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER X.
+
+AIMING HIGH.
+
+"What do you intend to do, Squire, with your two youngest
+boys?" said Mr. Slick to me to-day, as we were walking
+in the Park.
+
+"I design them," I said, "for professions. One I shall
+educate for a lawyer, and the other for a clergyman."
+
+"Where?"
+
+"In Nova Scotia."
+
+"Exactly," says he. "It shews your sense; it's the very
+place for 'em. It's a fine field for a young man; I don't
+know no better one no where in the whole univarsal world.
+When I was a boy larnin' to shoot, sais father to me,
+one day, 'Sam,' sais he, 'I'll give you a lesson in
+gunnin' that's worth knowin'. "_Aim high_," my boy; your
+gun naterally settles down a little takin' sight, cause
+your arm gets tired, and wabbles, and the ball settles
+a little while it's a travellin', accordin' to a law of
+natur, called Franklin's law; and I obsarve you always
+hit below the mark. Now, make allowances for these things
+in gunnin', and "aim high," for your life, always. And,
+Sam,' sais he, 'I've seed a great deal of the world, all
+mili_tary_ men do. 'I was to Bunker's Hill durin' the
+engagement, and I saw Washington the day he was made
+President, and in course must know more nor most men of
+my age; and I'll give you another bit of advice, "Aim
+high" in life, and if you don't hit the bull's eye, you'll
+hit the "fust circles," and that ain't a bad shot nother.'
+
+"'Father,' sais I, 'I guess I've seed more of the world
+than you have, arter all.'
+
+"'How so, Sam?' sais he.
+
+"'Why,' sais I, 'father, you've only been to Bunker's
+Hill, and that's nothin'; no part of it ain't too steep
+to plough; it's only a sizeable hillock, arter all. But
+I've been to the Notch on the White Mountain, so high
+up, that the snow don't melt there, and seed five States
+all to once, and half way over to England, and then I've
+seed Jim Crow dance. So there now?' He jist up with the
+flat of his hand, and gave me a wipe with it on the side
+of my face, that knocked me over; and as I fell, he lent
+me a kick on my musn't-mention-it, that sent me a rod or
+so afore I took ground on all fours.
+
+"'Take that, you young scoundrel!' said he, 'and larn to
+speak respectful next time to an old man, a mili_tary_
+man, and your father, too.'
+
+"It hurt me properly, you may depend. 'Why,' sais I, as
+I picked myself up, 'didn't you tell me to "aim high,"
+father? So I thought I'd do it, and beat your brag, that's
+all.'
+
+"Truth is, Squire, I never could let a joke pass all my
+life, without havin' a lark with it. I was fond of one,
+ever since I was knee high to a goose, or could recollect
+any thin' amost; I have got into a horrid sight of scrapes
+by 'em, that's a fact. I never forgot that lesson though,
+it was kicked into me: and lessons that are larnt on the
+right eend, ain't never forgot amost. I _have_ "aimed
+high" ever since, and see where I be now. Here I am an
+Attache, made out of a wooden clock pedlar. Tell you
+what, I shall be "embassador" yet, made out of nothin'
+but an "Attache," and I'll be President of our great
+Republic, and almighty nation in the eend, made out of
+an embassador, see if I don't. That comes of "aimin'
+high." What do you call that water near your coach-house?"
+
+"A pond."
+
+"Is there any brook runnin' in, or any stream runnin'
+out?"
+
+"No."
+
+"Well, that's the difference between a lake and a pond.
+Now, set that down for a traveller's fact. Now, where do
+you go to fish?"
+
+"To the lakes, of course; there are no fish in the ponds."
+
+"Exactly," said Mr. Slick, "that is what I want to bring
+you to; there is no fish in a pond, there is nothin' but
+frogs. Nova Scotia is only a pond, and so is New Brunswick,
+and such outlandish, out o' the way, little crampt up,
+stagnant places. There is no 'big fish' there, nor never
+can be; there ain't no food for 'em. A colony frog!!
+Heavens and airth, what an odd fish that is? A colony
+pollywog! do, for gracious sake, catch one, put him into
+a glass bottle full of spirits, and send him to the Museum
+as a curiosity in natur. So you are a goin' to make your
+two nice pretty little smart boys a pair of colony frogs,
+eh? Oh! do, by all means.
+
+"You'll have great comfort in 'em, Squire. Monstrous
+comfort. It will do your old heart good to go down to
+the edge of the pond on the fust of May, or thereabouts,
+accordin' to the season, jist at sun down, and hear 'em
+sing. You'll see the little fellers swell out their
+cheeks, and roar away like young suckin' thunders. For
+the frogs beat all natur there for noise; they have no
+notion of it here at all. I've seed Englishmen that
+couldn't sleep all night, for the everlastin' noise these
+critters made. Their frogs have somethin' else to do
+here besides singin'. Ain't it a splendid prospect that,
+havin' these young frogs settled all round you in the
+same mud-hole, all gathered in a, nice little musical
+family party. All fine fun this, till some fine day we
+Yankee storks will come down and gobble them all up, and
+make clear work of it.
+
+"No, Squire, take my advice now for once; jist go to
+your colony minister when he is alone. Don't set down,
+but stand up as if you was in airnest, and didn't come
+to gossip, and tell him, 'Turn these ponds into a lake,'
+sais you, my lord minister, give them an inlet and an
+outlet. Let them be kept pure, and sweet, and wholesome,
+by a stream, runnin' through. Fish will live there then
+if you put them in, and they will breed there, and keep
+up the stock. At present they die; it ain't big enough;
+there ain't room. If he sais he hante time to hear you,
+and asks you to put it into writin', do you jist walk
+over to his table, take up his lignum vitae ruler into
+your fist, put your back to the door, and say 'By the
+'tarnal empire, you _shall_ hear me; you don't go out of
+this, till I give you the butt eend of my mind, I can
+tell you. I am an old bull frog now; the Nova Scotia pond
+is big enough for me; I'll get drowned if I get into a
+bigger one, for I hante got no fins, nothin' but legs
+and arms to swim with, and deep water wouldn't suit me,
+I ain't fit for it, and I must live and die there, that's
+my fate as sure as rates.' If he gets tired, and goes to
+get up or to move, do you shake the big ruler at him, as
+fierce as a painter, and say, 'Don't you stir for your
+life; I don't want to lay nothin' _on_ your head, I only
+want to put somethin' _in_ it. I am a father and have
+got youngsters. I am a native, and have got countrymen.
+Enlarge our sphere, give us a chance in the world.' 'Let
+me out,' he'll say, 'this minute, Sir, or I'll put you
+in charge of a policeman.' 'Let you out is it,' sais you.
+'Oh! you feel bein' pent up, do you? I am glad of it.
+The tables are turned now, that's what we complain of.
+You've stood at the door, and kept us in; now I'll keep
+you in awhile. I want to talk to you, that's more than
+you ever did to us. How do you like bein' shut in? Does
+it feel good? Does it make your dander rise?' 'Let me
+out,' he'll say agin, 'this moment, Sir, how dare you.'
+Oh! you are in a hurry, are you?' sais you. 'You've kept
+me in all my life; don't be oneasy if I keep you in five
+minutes.'
+
+"'Well, what do you want then?' he'll say, kinder peevish;
+'what do you want?' 'I don't want nothin' for myself,'
+sais you. 'I've got all I can get in that pond; and I
+got that from the Whigs, fellers I've been abusin' all
+my life; and I'm glad to make amends by acknowledging
+this good turn they did me; for I am a tory, and no
+mistake. I don't want nothin'; but I want to be an
+_Englishman_. I don't want to be an English _subject_;
+do you understand that now? If you don't, this is the
+meanin', that there is no fun in bein' a fag, if you are
+never to have a fag yourself. Give us all fair play.
+Don't move now,' sais you, 'for I'm gettin' warm; I'm
+gettin' spotty on the back, my bristles is up, and I
+might hurt you with this ruler; it's a tender pint this,
+for I've rubbed the skin off of a sore place; but I'll
+tell you a gospel truth, and mind what I tell you, for
+nobody else has sense enough, and if they had, they hante
+courage enough. If you don't make _Englishmen of us_,
+the force of circumstances will _make Yankees_ of us, as
+sure as you are born.' He'll stare at that. He is a clever
+man, and aint wantin' in gumption. He is no fool, that's
+a fact. 'Is it no compliment to you and your institutions
+this?' sais you. 'Don't it make you feel proud that even
+independence won't tempt us to dissolve the connexion?
+Ain't it a noble proof of your good qualities that,
+instead of agitatin' for Repeal of the Union, we want a
+closer union? But have we no pride too? We would be
+onworthy of the name of Englishmen, if we hadn't it, and
+we won't stand beggin' for ever I tell _you_. Here's our
+hands, give us yourn; let's be all Englishmen together.
+Give us a chance, and if us, young English boys, don't
+astonish you old English, my name ain't Tom Poker, that's
+all.' 'Sit down,' he'll say, 'Mr. Poker;' there is a
+great deal in that; sit down; I am interested.'
+
+"The instant he sais that, take your ruler, lay it down
+on the table, pick up your hat, make a scrape with your
+hind leg, and say, 'I regret I have detained you so long,
+Sir. I am most peskily afraid my warmth has kinder betrayed
+me into rudeness. I really beg pardon, I do upon my soul.
+I feel I have smashed down all decency, I am horrid
+ashamed of myself.' Well, he won't say you hante rode
+the high hoss, and done the unhandsum thing, because it
+wouldn't be true if he did; but he'll say, 'Pray be
+seated. I can make allowances, Sir, even for intemperate
+zeal. And this is a very important subject, very indeed.
+There is a monstrous deal in what you say, though you
+have, I must say, rather a peculiar, an unusual, way of
+puttin' it.' Don't you stay another minit though, nor
+say another word, for your life; but bow, beg pardon,
+hold in your breath, that your face may look red, as if
+you was blushin', and back out, starn fust. Whenever
+you make an impression on a man, stop; your reasonin'
+and details may ruin you. Like a feller who sais a good
+thing, he'd better shove off, and leave every one larfin'
+at his wit, than stop and tire them out, till they say
+what a great screw augur that is. Well, if you find he
+opens the colonies, and patronises the smart folks, leave
+your sons there if you like, and let 'em work up, and
+work out of it, if they are fit, and time and opportunity
+offers. But one thing is sartain, _the very openin' of
+the door will open their minds_, as a matter of course.
+If he don't do it, and I can tell you before hand he
+won't--for they actilly hante got time here, to think of
+these things--send your boys here into the great world.
+Sais you to the young Lawyer, 'Bob,' sais you, '"aim
+high." If you don't get to be Lord Chancellor, I shall
+never die in peace. I've set my heart on it. It's within
+your reach, if you are good for anything. Let me see the
+great seal--let me handle it before I die--do, that's a
+dear; if not, go back to your Colony pond, and sing with
+your provincial frogs, and I hope to Heaven the fust
+long-legged bittern that comes there will make a supper
+of you."
+
+"Then sais you to the young parson, 'Arthur,' sais you
+'Natur jist made you for a clergyman. Now, do you jist
+make yourself 'Archbishop of Canterbury.' My death-bed
+scene will be an awful one, if I don't see you 'the
+Primate'; for my affections, my hopes, my heart, is fixed
+on it. I shall be willin' to die then, I shall depart in
+peace, and leave this world happy. And, Arthur,' sais
+you, 'they talk and brag here till one is sick of the
+sound a'most about "Addison's death-bed." Good people
+refer to it as an example, authors as a theatrical scene
+and hypocrites as a grand illustration for them to turn
+up the whites of their cold cantin' eyes at. Lord love
+you, my son,' sais you, 'let them brag of it; but what
+would it be to mine; you congratulatin' me on goin' to
+a better world, and me congratulatin' you on bein'
+"Archbishop." Then,' sais you, in a starn voice like a
+boatsan's trumpet--for if you want things to be remembered,
+give 'em effect, "Aim high," Sir,' sais you. Then like
+my old father, fetch him a kick on his western eend, that
+will lift him clean over the table, and say 'that's the
+way to rise in the world, you young sucking parson you.
+"Aim high," Sir.'
+
+"Neither of them will ever forget it as long as they
+live. The hit does that; for a kick is a very _striking_
+thing, that's a fact. There has been _no good scholars
+since birch rods went out o' school, and sentiment went
+in_."
+
+"But you know," I said, "Mr. Slick, that those high prizes
+in the lottery of life, can, in the nature of things, be
+drawn but by few people, and how many blanks are there
+to one-prize in this world."
+
+"Well, what's to prevent your boys gettin' those prizes,
+if colonists was made Christians of, instead of outlawed,
+exiled, transported, oncarcumcised heathen Indgean niggers,
+as they be. If people don't put into a lottery, how the
+devil can they get prizes? will you tell me that. Look
+at the critters here, look at the publicans, taylors,
+barbers, and porters' sons, how the've rose here, 'in
+this big lake,' to be chancellors and archbishops; how
+did they get them? They 'aimed high,' and besides, all
+that, like father's story of the gun, by 'aiming high,'
+though they may miss the mark, they will be sure to hit
+the upper circles. Oh, Squire, there is nothing like
+'aiming high,' in this world."
+
+"I quite agree with you, Sam," said Mr. Hopewell. "I
+never heard you speak so sensibly before. Nothing can be
+better for young men than "Aiming high." Though they may
+not attain to the highest honours, they may, as you say,
+reach to a most respectable station. But surely, Squire,
+you will never so far forget the respect that is due to
+so high an officer as a Secretary of State, or, indeed,
+so far forget yourself as to adopt a course, which from
+its eccentricity, violence, and impropriety, must leave
+the impression that your intellects are disordered.
+Surely you will never be tempted to make the experiment?"
+
+"I should think not, indeed," I said. "I have no desire
+to become an inmate of a lunatic asylum."
+
+"Good," said he; "I am satisfied. I quite agree with
+Sam, though. Indeed, I go further. I do not think he has
+advised you to recommend your boys to 'aim high enough.'"
+
+"Creation! said Mr. Slick, "how much higher do you want
+provincial frogs to go, than to be 'Chancellor' and
+'Primate?'
+
+"I'll tell you, Sam; I'd advise them to 'aim higher' than
+earthly honours. I would advise them to do their duty,
+in any station of life in which it shall please Providence
+to place them; and instead of striving after unattainable
+objects here, to be unceasing in their endeavours to
+obtain that which, on certain conditions, is promised to
+all hereafter. In their worldly pursuits, as men, it is
+right for them to '_aim high_;' but as Christians, it is
+also their duty to '_aim higher_.'"
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XI.
+
+A SWOI-REE.
+
+Mr. Slick visited me late last night, dressed as if he
+had been at a party, but very cross, and, as usual when
+in that frame of mind, he vented his ill-humour on the
+English.
+
+"Where have you been to-night, Mr. Slick?"
+
+"Jist where the English hosses will be," he replied,
+"when Old Clay comes here to this country;--no where. I
+have been on a stair-case, that's where I have been; and
+a pretty place to see company in, ain't it? I have been
+jammed to death in an entry, and what's wus than all, I
+have given one gall a black eye with my elbow, tore
+another one's frock off with my buttons, and near about
+cut a third one's leg in two with my hat. Pretty well
+for one night's work, ain't it? and for me too, that's
+so fond of the dear little critturs, I wouldn't hurt a
+hair of their head, if I could help it, to save my soul
+alive. What a spot o' work!
+
+"What the plague do people mean here by askin' a mob to
+their, house, and invitin' twice as many as can get into
+it? If they think it's complimental, they are infarnally
+mistaken, that's all: it's an insult and nothin' else,
+makin' a fool of a body that way. Heavens and airth! I
+am wringing wet! I'm ready to faint! Where's the key of
+your cellaret? I want some brandy and water. I'm dead;
+bury me quick, for I won't be nice directly. Oh dear!
+how that lean gall hurt me! How horrid sharp her bones
+are!
+
+"I wish to goodness you'd go to a Swoi-ree oncet, Squire,
+jist oncet--a grand let off, one that's upper crust and
+rael jam. It's worth seein' oncet jist as a show, I tell
+_you_, for you have no more notion of it than a child.
+All Halifax, if it was swept up clean and shook out into
+a room, wouldn't make one swoi-ree. I have been to three
+to night, and all on 'em was mobs--regular mobs. The
+English are horrid fond of mobs, and I wonder at it too;
+for of all the cowardly, miserable, scarry mobs, that
+ever was seen in this blessed world, the English is the
+wust. Two dragoons will clear a whole street as quick
+as wink, any time. The instant they see 'em, they jist
+run like a flock of sheep afore a couple of bull dogs,
+and slope off properly skeered. Lawful heart, I wish
+they'd send for a dragoon, all booted, and spurred, and
+mounted, and let him gallop into a swoi-ree, and charge
+the mob there. He'd clear 'em out _I_ know, double quick:
+he'd chase one quarter of 'em down stairs head over heels,
+and another quarter would jump out o' the winders, and
+break their confounded necks to save their lives, and
+then the half that's left, would he jist about half too
+many for comfort.
+
+"My first party to-night wus a conversation one; that is
+for them that _could_ talk; as for me I couldn't talk a
+bit, and all I could think was, 'how infarnal hot it is!
+I wish I could get in!' or, 'oh dear, if I could only
+get out!' It was a scientific party, a mob o' men. Well,
+every body expected somebody would be squashed to death,
+and so ladies went, for they always go to executions.
+They've got a kinder nateral taste for the horrors, have
+women. They like to see people hanged or trod to death,
+when they can get a chance. It _was_ a conversation warn't
+it? that's all. I couldn't understand a word I heard.
+Trap shale Greywachy; a petrified snail, the most important
+discovery of modern times. Bank governor's machine weighs
+sovereigns, light ones go to the right, and heavy ones
+to the left.
+
+"'Stop,' says I, 'if you mean the sovereign people here,
+there are none on 'em light. Right and left is both
+monstrous heavy; all over weight, every one on 'em. I'm
+squeezed to death.'
+
+"'Very good, Mr. Slick. Let me introduce you to ----,'
+they are whipt off in the current, and I don't see 'em
+again no more. 'A beautiful shew of flowers, Madam, at
+the garden: they are all in full blow now. The
+rhododendron--had a tooth pulled when she was asleep.'
+'Please to let me pass, Sir.' 'With all my heart, Miss,
+if I could; but I can't move; if I could I would down on
+the carpet, and you should walk over me. Take care of
+your feet, Miss, I am off of mine. Lord bless me! what's
+this? why as I am a livin' sinner, it's half her frock
+hitched on to my coat button. Now I know what that scream
+meant.'
+
+"'How do you do, Mr. Slick? When did you come?' 'Why I
+came--' he is turned round, and shoved out o' hearin.'
+'Xanthian marbles at the British Museum are quite wonderful;
+got into his throat, the doctor turned him upside down,
+stood him on his head, and out it came--his own tunnel
+was too small.' 'Oh, Sir, you are cuttin' me.' 'Me, Miss!
+Where had I the pleasure of seein' you before, I never
+cut a lady in my life, could'nt do so rude a thing.
+Havn't the honour to recollect you.' 'Oh, Sir, take it
+away, it cuts me.' Poor thing, she is distracted, I don't
+wonder. She's drove crazy, though I think she must have
+been mad to come here at all. 'Your hat, Sir.' 'Oh, that
+cussed French hat is it? Well, the rim is as stiff and
+as sharp as a cleaver, that's a fact, I don't wonder it
+cut you.' 'Eddis's pictur--capital painting, fell out of
+the barge, and was drowned.' 'Having been beat on the
+shillin' duty; they will attach him on the fourpence,
+and thimble rigg him out of that.' 'They say Sugden is
+in town, hung in a bad light, at the Temple Church.'
+----'Who is that?' 'Lady Fobus; paired off for the Session;
+Brodie operated.'----Lady Francis; got the Life Guards;
+there will be a division to-night.'----That's Sam Slick;
+I'll introduce you; made a capital speech in the House
+of Lords, in answer to Brougham--Lobelia--voted for the
+bill--The Duchess is very fond of----Irish Arms--'
+
+"Oh! now I'm in the entry. How tired I am! It feels
+shockin' cold here, too, arter comin' out o' that hot
+room. Guess I'll go to the grand musical party. Come,
+this will do; this is Christian-like, there is room here;
+but the singin' is in next room, I will go and hear them.
+Oh! here they are agin; it's a proper mob this. Cuss,
+these English, they can't live out of mobs. Prince Albert
+is there in that room; I must go and see him. He is
+popular; he is a renderin' of himself very agreeable to
+the English, is Prince: he mixes with them as much as he
+can; and shews his sense in that. Church steeples are
+very pretty things: that one to Antwerp is splendiriferous;
+it's everlastin' high, it most breaks your neck layin'
+back your head to look at it; bend backward like a hoop,
+and stare at it once with all your eyes, and you can't
+look up agin, you are satisfied. It tante no use for a
+Prince to carry a head so high as that, Albert knows
+this; he don't want to be called the highest steeple,
+cause all the world knows he is about the top loftiest;
+but he want's to descend to the world we live in.
+
+"With a Queen all men love, and a Prince all men like,
+royalty has a root in the heart here. Pity, too, for the
+English don't desarve to have a Queen; and such a Queen
+as they have got too, hang me if they do. They ain't men,
+they hante the feelin's or pride o' men in 'em; they
+ain't what they used to be, the nasty, dirty, mean-spirited,
+sneakin' skunks, for if they had a heart as big as a
+pea--and that ain't any great size, nother--cuss 'em,
+when any feller pinted a finger at her to hurt her, or
+even frighten her, they'd string him right up on the
+spot, to the lamp post. Lynch him like a dog that steals
+sheep right off the reel, and save mad-doctors, skary
+judges, and Chartist papers all the trouble of findin'
+excuses. And, if that didn't do, Chinese like, they'd
+take the whole crowd present and sarve _them_ out. They'd
+be sure to catch the right one then. I wouldn't shed
+blood, because that's horrid; it shocks all Christian
+people, philosophisin' legislators, sentimental ladies,
+and spooney gentlemen. It's horrid barbarous that, is
+sheddin' blood; I wouldn't do that, I'd jist hang him.
+A strong cord tied tight round his neck would keep that
+precious mixtur, traitor's blood, all in as close as if
+his mouth was corked, wired, and white-leaded, like a
+champagne bottle.
+
+"Oh dear! these are the fellers that come out a travellin'
+among us, and sayin' the difference atween you and us is
+'the absence of loyalty.' I've heard tell a great deal
+of that loyalty, but I've seen precious little of it,
+since I've been here, that's a fact. I've always told
+you these folks ain't what they used to be, and I see
+more and more, on 'em every day. Yes, the English are
+like their hosses, they are so fine bred, there is nothin'
+left of 'em now but the hide, hair, and shoes.
+
+"So Prince Albert is there in that room; I must get in
+there and see him, for I have never sot eyes on him since
+I've been here, so here goes. Onder, below there, look
+out for your corns, hawl your feet in, like turtles, for
+I am a comin'. Take care o' your ribs, my old 'coons,
+for my elbows are crooked. Who wants to grow? I'll squeeze
+you out as a rollin'-pin does dough, and make you ten
+inches taller. I'll make good figures of you, my fat boys
+and galls, I know. Look out for scaldin's there. Here
+I am: it's me, Sam Slick, make way, or I'll walk right
+over you, and cronch you like lobsters. 'Cheap talkin',
+or rather thinkin', sais I; for in course I couldn't bawl
+that out in company here; they don't understand fun, and
+would think it rude, and ongenteel. I have to be shockin'
+cautious what I say here, for fear I might lower our
+great nation in the eyes of foreigners. I have to look
+big and talk big the whole blessed time, and I am tired
+of it. It ain't nateral to me; and, besides braggin' and
+repudiatin' at the same time, is most as bad as cantin'
+and swearin'. It kinder chokes me. I thought it all
+though, and said it all to myself. 'And,' sais I, 'take
+your time, Sam; you can't do it, no how, you can fix-it.
+You must wait your time, like other folks. Your legs is
+tied, and your arms is tied down by the crowd, and you
+can't move an inch beyond your nose. The only way is,
+watch your chance, wait till you can get your hands up,
+then turn the fust two persons that's next to you right
+round, and slip between them like a turn stile in the
+park, and work your passage that way. Which is the Prince?
+That's him with the hair carefully divided, him with the
+moustaches. I've seed him; a plaguy handsum man he is,
+too. Let me out now. I'm stifled, I'm choked. My jaws
+stick together, I can't open 'em no more; and my wind
+won't hold out another minute.
+
+"I have it now, I've got an idea. See if I don't put the
+leake into 'em. Won't I _do_ them, that's all? Clear the
+way there, the Prince is a comin', _and_ so is the Duke.
+And a way is opened: waves o' the sea roll hack at these
+words, and I walks right out, as large as life, and the
+fust Egyptian that follers is drowned, for the water has
+closed over him. Sarves him right, too, what business
+had he to grasp my life-preserver without leave. I have
+enough to do to get along by my own wit, without carry
+in' double.
+
+"'Where is the Prince? Didn't they say he was a comin'?
+Who was that went out? He don't look like the Prince; he
+ain't half so handsum, that feller, he looks, like a
+Yankee.' 'Why, that was Sam Slick.' 'Capital, that! What
+a droll feller he is; he is always so ready! He desarves
+credit for that trick.' Guess I do; but let old Connecticut
+alone; us Slickville boys always find a way to dodge in
+or out embargo or no embargo, blockade or no blockade,
+we larnt that last war.
+
+"Here I am in the street agin; the air feels handsum. I
+have another invitation to-night, shall I go? Guess I
+will. All the world is at these two last places, I reckin
+there will be breathin' room at the next; and I want an
+ice cream to cool my coppers, shockin' bad.--Creation!
+It is wus than ever; this party beats t'other ones all
+holler. They ain't no touch to it. I'll jist go and make
+a scrape to old uncle and aunty, and then cut stick; for
+I hante strength to swiggle my way through another mob.
+
+"'You had better get in fust, though, hadn't you, Sam?
+for here you are agin wracked, by gosh, drove right slap
+ashore atween them two fat women, and fairly wedged in
+and bilged. You can't get through, and can't get out, if
+you was to die for it.' 'Can't I though? I'll try; for
+I never give in, till I can't help it. So here's at it.
+Heave off, put all steam on, and back out, starn fust,
+and then swing round into the stream. That's the ticket,
+Sam.' It's done; but my elbow has took that lady that's
+two steps furder down on the stairs, jist in the eye,
+and knocked in her dead light. How she cries! how I
+apologize, don't I? And the more I beg pardon, the wus
+she carries on. But it's no go; if I stay, I must fust
+fight somebody, and then marry _her_; for I've spiled
+her beauty, and that's the rule here, they tell me.'
+
+"So I sets studen sail booms, and cracks on all sail,
+and steers for home, and here I am once more; at least
+what's left of me, and that ain't much more nor my shader.
+Oh dear! I'm tired, shockin' tired, almost dead, and
+awful thirsty; for Heaven's sake, give me some lignum
+vitae, for I am so dry, I'll blow away in dust.
+
+"This is a Swoi-ree, Squire, this is London society; this
+is rational enjoyment, this is a meeting of friends, who
+are so infarnal friendly they are jammed together so they
+can't leave each other. Inseparable friends; you must
+choke 'em off, or you can't part 'em. Well, I ain't jist
+so thick and intimate with none o' them in this country
+as all that comes to nother. I won't lay down my life
+for none on 'em; I don't see no occasion for it, _do
+you_?
+
+"I'll dine with you, John Bull, if you axe me; and I
+ain't nothin' above particular to do, and the cab hire
+don't cost more nor the price of a dinner; but hang me
+if ever I go to a Swoi-ree agin. I've had enough of
+that, to last me _my_ life, I know. A dinner I hante no
+objection to, though that ain't quite so bright as a
+pewter button nother, when you don't know you're right
+and left, hand man. And an evenin' party, I wouldn't take
+my oath I wouldn't go to, though I don't know hardly what
+to talk about, except America; and I've bragged so much
+about that, I'm tired of the subject. But a _Swoi-ree is
+the devil, that's a fact_."
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XII.
+
+TATTERSALL'S OR, THE ELDER AND THE GRAVE DIGGER.
+
+"Squire," said Mr. Slick, "it ain't rainin' to-day;
+suppose you come along with me to Tattersall's. I have
+been studyin' that place a considerable sum to see whether
+it is a safe shop to trade in or no. But I'm dubersome;
+I don't like the cut of the sportin' folks here. If I
+can see both eends of the rope, and only one man has hold
+of one eend, and me of the tother, why I know what I am
+about; but if I can only see my own eend, I don't know
+who I am a pullin' agin. I intend to take a rise out o'
+some o' the knowin' ones here, that will make 'em scratch
+their heads, and stare, I know. But here we are. Cut
+round this corner, into this Lane. Here it is; this is
+it to the right."
+
+We entered a sort of coach-yard, which was filled with
+a motley and mixed crowd of people. I was greatly
+disappointed in Tattersall's. Indeed, few things in London
+have answered my expectations. They have either exceeded
+or fallen short of the description I had heard of them.
+I was prepared, both from what I was told by Mr. Slick,
+and heard, from others, to find that there were but very
+few gentlemen-like looking men there; and that by far
+the greater number neither were, nor affected to be, any
+thing but "knowing ones." I was led to believe that there
+would be a plentiful use of the terms _of art_, a variety
+of provincial accent, and that the conversation of the
+jockeys and grooms would be liberally garnished with
+appropriate slang.
+
+The gentry portion of the throng, with some few exceptions,
+it was said, wore a dissipated look, and had that peculiar
+appearance of incipient disease, that indicates a life
+of late hours, of excitement, and bodily exhaustion.
+Lower down in the scale of life, I was informed,
+intemperance had left its indelible marks. And that
+still further down, were to be found the worthless lees
+of this foul and polluted stream of sporting gentlemen,
+spendthrifts, gamblers, bankrupts, sots, sharpers and
+jockeys.
+
+This was by no means the case. It was just what a man
+might have expected to have found a great sporting exchange
+and auction mart, of horses and carriages, to have been,
+in a great city like London, had he been merely told that
+such was the object of the place, and then left to imagine
+the scene. It was, as I have before said, a mixed and
+motley crowd; and must necessarily be so, where agents
+attend to bid for their principals, where servants are
+in waiting upon their masters, and above all, where the
+ingress is open to every one.
+
+It is, however, unquestionably the resort of gentlemen.
+In a great and rich country like this, there must,
+unavoidably, be a Tattersall's; and the wonder is, not
+that it is not better, but that it is not infinitely
+worse. Lake all striking pictures, it had strong lights
+and shades. Those who have suffered, are apt to retaliate;
+and a man who has been duped, too often thinks he has a
+right to make reprisals. Tattersall's, therefore, is not
+without its privateers. Many persons of rank and character
+patronize sporting, from a patriotic but mistaken notion,
+that it is to the turf alone the excellence of the English
+horse is attributable.
+
+One person of this description, whom I saw there for a
+short time, I had the pleasure of knowing before; and
+from him I learned many interesting anecdotes of individuals
+whom he pointed out as having been once well known about
+town, but whose attachment to gambling had effected their
+ruin. Personal stories of this kind are, however, not
+within the scope of this work.
+
+As soon as we entered, Mr. Slick called my attention to
+the carriages which were exhibited for sale, to their
+elegant shape and "beautiful fixins," as he termed it;
+but ridiculed, in no measured terms, their enormous
+weight. "It is no wonder," said he, "they have to get
+fresh hosses here every ten miles, and travellin' costs
+so much, when the carriage alone is enough to kill beasts.
+What would Old Bull say, if I was to tell him of one pair
+of hosses carryin' three or four people, forty or fifty
+miles a-day, day in and day out, hand runnin' for a
+fortnight? Why, he'd either be too civil to tell me it
+was a lie, or bein' afeerd I'd jump down his throat if
+he did, he'd sing dumb, and let me see by his looks, he
+thought so, though.
+
+"I intend to take the consait out of these chaps, and
+that's a fact. If I don't put the leak into 'em afore
+I've done with them, my name ain't Sam Slick, that's a
+fact. I'm studyin' the ins and the outs of this place,
+so as to know what I am about, afore I take hold; for I
+feel kinder skittish about my men. Gentlemen are the
+lowest, lyinest, bullyinest, blackguards there is, when
+they choose to be; 'specially if they have rank as well
+as money. A thoroughbred cheat, of good blood, is a
+clipper, that's a fact. They ain't right up-and-down,
+like a cow's tail, in their dealin's; and they've got
+accomplices, fellers that will lie for 'em like any thing,
+for the honour of their company; and bettin', onder such
+circumstances, ain't safe.
+
+"But, I'll tell you what is, if you have got a hoss that
+can do it, and no mistake: back him, hoss agin hoss, or
+what's safer still, hoss agin time, and you can't be
+tricked. Now, I'll send for Old Clay, to come in Cunard's
+steamer, and cuss 'em they ought to bring over the old
+hoss and his fixins, free, for it was me first started
+that line. The way old Mr. Glenelg stared, when I told
+him it was thirty-six miles shorter to go from Bristol
+to New York by the way of Halifax, than to go direct
+warn't slow. It stopt steam for that hitch, that's a
+fact, for he thort I was mad. He sent it down to the
+Admiralty to get it ciphered right, and it took them old
+seagulls, the Admirals a month to find it out.
+
+"And when they did, what did they say? Why, cuss 'em,
+says they, 'any fool knows that.' Says I, 'If that's the
+case you are jist the boys then that ought to have found
+it out right off at oncet.'
+
+"Yes, Old Clay ought to go free, but be won't; and guess
+I am able to pay freight for him, and no thanks to nobody.
+Now, I'll tell you what, English trottin' is about a mile
+in two minutes and forty-seven seconds, and that don't
+happen oftener than oncet in fifty years, if it was ever
+done at all, for the English brag so there is no telling
+right. Old Clay _can_ do his mile in two minutes and
+thirty-eight seconds. He _has_ done that, and I guess he
+_could_ do more. I have got a car, that is as light as
+whalebone, and I'll bet to do it with wheels and drive
+myself. I'll go in up to the handle, on Old Clay. I have
+a hundred thousand dollars of hard cash made in the
+colonies, I'll go half of it on the old hoss, hang me if
+I don't, and I'll make him as well knowd to England as
+he is to Nova Scotia.
+
+"I'll allow him to be beat at fust, so as to lead 'em
+on, and Clay is as cunnin' as a coon too, if he don't
+get the word g'lang (go along) and the Indgian skelpin'
+yell with it, he knows I ain't in airnest, and he'll
+allow me to beat him and bully him like nothin'. He'll
+pretend to do his best, and sputter away like a hen
+scratchin' gravel, but he won't go one mossel faster,
+for he knows I never lick a free hoss.
+
+"Won't it be beautiful? How they'll all larf and crow,
+when they see me a thrashin' away at the hoss, and then
+him goin' slower, the faster I thrash, and me a threatenin'
+to shoot the brute, and a talkin' at the tip eend of my
+tongue like a ravin' distracted bed bug, and offerin' to
+back him agin, if they dare, and planken down the pewter
+all round, takin' every one up that will go the figur',
+till I raise the bets to the tune of fifty thousand
+dollars. When I get that far, they may stop their larfin'
+till next time, I guess. That's the turn of the
+fever--that's the crisis--that's my time to larf then.
+
+"I'll mount the car then, take the bits of list up, put
+'em into right shape, talk a little Connecticut Yankee
+to the old hoss, to set his ebenezer up, and make him
+rise inwardly, and then give the yell," (which he uttered
+in his excitement in earnest; and a most diabolical one
+it was. It pierced me through and through, and curdled
+my very blood, it was the death shout of a savage.)
+"G'lang you skunk, and turn out your toes pretty," said
+he, and he again repeated this long protracted, shrill,
+infernal yell, a second time.
+
+Every eye was instantly turned upon us. Even Tattersall
+suspended his "he is five years old--a good hack--and is
+to be sold," to give time for the general exclamation of
+surprise. "Who the devil is that? Is he mad? Where did
+_he_ come from? Does any body know him? He is a devilish
+keen-lookin' fellow that; what an eye he has! He looks
+like a Yankee, that fellow."
+
+"He's been here, your honour, several days, examines
+every thing and says nothing; looks like a knowing one,
+your honour. He handles a hoss as if he'd seen one afore
+to-day, Sir."
+
+"Who is that gentleman with him?"
+
+"Don't know, your honour, never saw him before; he looks
+like a furriner, too."
+
+"Come, Mr. Slick," said I, "we are attracting too much
+attention here, let us go."
+
+"Cuss 'em," said he, "I'll attract more attention afore
+I've done yet, when Old Clay comes, and then I'll tell
+'em who I am--Sam Slick, from Slickville, Onion County,
+State of Connecticut, United States of America. But I do
+suppose we had as good make tracks, for I don't want
+folks to know me yet. I'm plaguy sorry I let put that
+countersign of Old Clay too, but they won't onderstand
+it. Critters like the English, that know everything have
+generally weak eyes, from studyin' so hard.
+
+"Did you take notice of that critter I was a handlin'
+of, Squire? that one that's all drawed up in the middle
+like a devil's darnin' needle; her hair a standin' upon
+eend as if she was amazed at herself, and a look out of
+her eye, as if she thort the dogs would find the steak
+kinder tough, when they got her for dinner. Well, that's
+a great mare that 'are, and there ain't nothin' onder
+the sun the matter of her, except the groom has stole
+her oats, forgot to give her water, and let her make a
+supper sometimes off of her nasty, mouldy, filthy beddin'.
+I hante see'd a hoss here equal to her a'most--short
+back, beautiful rake to the shoulder, great depth of
+chest, elegant quarter, great stifle, amazin' strong arm,
+monstrous nice nostrils, eyes like a weasel, all outside,
+game ears, first chop bone and fine flat leg, with no
+gum on no part of it. She's a sneezer that; but she'll
+be knocked down for twenty or thirty pound, because she
+looks as if she was used up.
+
+"I intended to a had that mare, for I'd a made her worth
+twelve hundred dollars. It was a dreadful pity, I let
+go, that time, for I actilly forgot where I was. I'll
+know better next hitch, for boughten wit is the best in
+a general way. Yes, I'm peskily sorry about that mare.
+Well, swappin' I've studied, but I doubt if it's as much
+the fashion here as with us; and besides, swappin' where
+you don't know the county and its tricks, (for every
+county has its own tricks, different from others), is
+dangersome too. I've seen swaps where both sides got
+took in. Did ever I tell you the story of the "Elder and
+the grave-digger?"
+
+"Never," I replied; "but here we are at our lodgings.
+Come in, and tell it to me."
+
+"Well," said he, "I must have a glass of mint julip fust,
+to wash down that ere disappointment about the mare. It
+was a dreadful go that. I jist lost a thousand dollars
+by it, as slick as grease. But it's an excitin' thing is
+a trottin' race, too. When you mount, hear the word
+'Start!' and shout out 'G'lang!' and give the pass word."
+
+Good heavens! what a yell he perpetrated again. I put
+both hands to my ears, to exclude the reverberations of
+it from the walls.
+
+"Don't be skeered, Squire; don't be skeered. We are alone
+now: there is no mare to lose. Ain't it pretty? It makes
+me feel all dandery and on wires like."
+
+"But the grave-digger?" said I.
+
+"Well," says he, "the year afore I knowed you, I was
+a-goin' in the fall, down to Clare, about sixty miles
+below Annapolis, to collect some debts due to me there
+from the French. And as I was a-joggin' on along the
+road, who should I overtake but Elder Stephen Grab, of
+Beechmeadows, a mounted on a considerable of a
+clever-lookin' black mare. The Elder was a pious man;
+at least he looked like one, and spoke like one too. His
+face was as long as the moral law, and p'rhaps an inch
+longer, and as smooth as a hone; and his voice was so
+soft and sweet, and his tongue moved so ily on its hinges,
+you'd a thought you might a trusted him with ontold gold,
+if you didn't care whether you ever got it agin or no.
+He had a bran new hat on, with a brim that was none of
+the smallest, to keep the sun from makin' his inner man
+wink, and his go-to-meetin' clothes on, and a pair of
+silver mounted spurs, and a beautiful white cravat, tied
+behind, so as to have no bows to it, and look meek. If
+there was a good man on airth, you'd a said it was him.
+And he seemed to feel it, and know it too, for there was
+a kind of look o' triumph about him, as if he had conquered
+the Evil One, and was considerable well satisfied with
+himself.
+
+"'H'are you,' sais I, 'Elder, to-day? Which way are you
+from?"
+
+"'From the General Christian Assembly, sais he, 'to Goose
+Creek. We had a "_most refreshin' time on't_." There was
+a great "_outpourin' of the spirit_."'
+
+"'Well, that's awful,' says I, 'too. The magistrates
+ought to see to that; it ain't right, when folks assemble
+that way to worship, to be a-sellin' of rum; and gin,
+and brandy, and spirits, is it?'
+
+"'I don't mean that,' sais he, 'although, p'rhaps, there
+was too much of that wicked traffic too, I mean the
+preachin'. It was very peeowerful; there was "_many
+sinners saved_."
+
+"'I guess there was plenty of room for it,' sais I,
+'onless that neighbourhood has much improved since I
+knowed it last.'
+
+"'It's a sweet thing,' sais he. 'Have you ever "_made
+profession_," Mr. Slick?'
+
+"'Come,' sais I to myself, 'this is cuttin' it rather
+too fat. I must put a stop to this. This ain't a subject
+for conversation with such a cheatin', cantin',
+hippocrytical skunk as this is. Yes,' sais I, 'long ago.
+My profession is that of a clockmaker, and I make no
+pretension to nothin' else. But come, let's water our
+hosses here and liquor ourselves.'
+
+"And we dismounted, and gave 'em a drop to wet their
+mouths.
+
+"'Now,' sais I, a-takin' out of a pocket-pistol that I
+generally travelled with, 'I think I'll take a drop of
+grog;' and arter helpin' myself, I gives the silver cover
+of the flask a dip in the brook, (for a clean rinse is
+better than a dirty wipe, any time), and sais I, 'Will
+you have a little of the "_outpourin' of the spirit?_"
+What do you say, Elder?'
+
+"'Thank you,' sais he, 'friend Slick. I never touch
+liquor, it's agin our rules.'
+
+"And he stooped down and filled it with water, and took
+a mouthful, and then makin' a face like a frog afore he
+goes to sing, and swellin' his cheeks out like a Scotch
+bagpiper, be spit it all out. Sais he, 'That is so warm,
+it makes me sick; and as I ain't otherwise well, from
+the celestial exhaustion of a protracted meetin', I
+believe I will take a little drop, as medicine.'
+
+"Confound him! if he'd a said he'd only leave a little
+drop, it would a been more like the thing; for he e'en
+a'most emptied the whole into the cup, and drank it off
+clean, without winkin'.
+
+"'It's a "_very refreshin' time_,"' sais I, 'ain't' it?'
+But he didn't make no answer. Sais I, 'that's a likely
+beast of yourn, Elder,' and I opened her mouth, and took
+a look at her, and no easy matter nother, I tell you,
+for she held on like a bear trap, with her jaws. "'She
+won't suit you,' sais he, "with a smile, 'Mr. Slick.'
+
+"'I guess not,' sais I.
+
+"'But she'll jist suit the French,' sais he.
+
+"'It's lucky she don't speak French then,' sais I, 'or
+they'd soon find her tongue was too big for her mouth.
+That critter will never see five-and-twenty, and I'm a
+thinkin', she's thirty year old, if she is a day.'
+
+"'I was a thinkin', said he, with a sly look out o' the
+corner of his eye, as if her age warn't no secret to him.
+'I was a thinkin' it's time to put her off, and she'll
+jist suit the French. They hante much for hosses to do,
+in a giniral way, but to ride about; and you won't say
+nothin' about her age, will you? it might endamnify a
+sale.'
+
+"'Not I,' sais I, 'I skin my own foxes, and let other
+folks skin their'n. I have enough to do to mind my own
+business, without interferin' with other people's.'
+
+"'She'll jist suit the French,' sais he; 'they don't know
+nothin' about hosses, or any thing else. They are a simple
+people, and always will be, for their priests keep 'em
+in ignorance. It's an awful thing to see them kept in
+the outer porch of darkness that way, ain't it?'
+
+"'I guess you'll put a new pane o' glass in their porch,'
+sais I, 'and help some o' them to see better; for whoever
+gets that mare, will have his eyes opened, sooner nor he
+bargains for, I know.'
+
+"Sais he, 'she ain't a bad mare; and if she could eat
+bay, might do a good deal of work yet,' and be gave a
+kinder chuckle laugh at his own joke, that sounded like
+the rattles in his throat, it was so dismal and deep,
+for he was one o' them kind of fellers that's too good
+to larf, was Steve.
+
+"Well, the horn o' grog he took, began to onloosen his
+tongue; and I got out of him, that she come near dyin'
+the winter afore, her teeth was so bad, and that he had
+kept her all summer in a dyke pasture up to her fetlocks
+in white clover, and ginn' her ground oats, and Indgian
+meal, and nothin' to do all summer; and in the fore part
+of the fall, biled potatoes, and he'd got her as fat as
+a seal, and her skin as slick as an otter's. She fairly
+shined agin, in the sun.
+
+"'She'll jist suit the French', said he, 'they are a
+simple people and don't know nothin', and if they don't
+like the mare, they must blame their priests for not
+teachin' 'em better. I shall keep within the strict line
+of truth, as becomes a Christian man. I scorn to take a
+man in.'
+
+"Well, we chatted away arter this fashion, he a openin'
+of himself and me a walk in' into him; and we jogged
+along till we came to Charles Tarrio's to Montagon, and
+there was the matter of a thousand French people gathered
+there, a chatterin', and laughin', and jawin', and
+quarrellin', and racin', and wrastlin', and all a givin'
+tongue, like a pack of village dogs, when an Indgian
+comes to town. It was town meetin' day.
+
+"Well, there was a critter there, called by nickname,
+'Goodish Greevoy,' a mounted on a white pony, one o' the
+scariest little screamers, you ever see since you was
+born. He was a tryin' to get up a race, was Goodish, and
+banterin' every one that had a hoss to run with him.
+
+"His face was a fortin' to a painter. His forehead was
+high and narrer, shewin' only a long strip o' tawny skin,
+in a line with his nose, the rest bein' covered with
+hair, as black as ink, and as iley as a seal's mane. His
+brows was thick, bushy and overhangin', like young
+brush-wood on a cliff, and onderneath, was two black
+peerin' little eyes, that kept a-movin' about, keen,
+good-natured, and roguish, but sot far into his skull,
+and looked like the eyes of a fox peepin' out of his den,
+when he warn't to home to company hisself. His nose was
+high, sharp, and crooked, like the back of a reapin'
+hook, and gave a plaguy sight of character to his face,
+while his thinnish lips, that closed on a straight line,
+curlin' up at one eend, and down at the other, shewed,
+if his dander was raised, he could be a jumpin', tarin',
+rampagenous devil if he chose. The pint of his chin
+projected and turned up gently, as if it expected, when
+Goodish lost his teeth, to rise in the world in rank next
+to the nose. When good natur' sat on the box, and drove,
+it warn't a bad face; when Old Nick was coachman, I guess
+it would be as well to give Master Frenchman the road.
+
+"He had a red cap on his head, his beard hadn't been cut
+since last sheep shearin', and he looked as hairy as a
+tarrier; his shirt collar, 'which was of yaller flannel,
+fell on his shoulders loose, and a black hankercher was
+tied round his neck, slack like a sailor's. He wore a
+round jacket and loose trowsers of homespun with no
+waistcoat, and his trowsers was held up by a gallus of
+leather on one side, and of old cord on the other. Either
+Goodish had growed since his clothes was made, or his
+jacket and trowsers warn't on speakin' tarms, for they
+didn't meet by three or four inches, and the shirt shewed
+atween them like a yaller militia sash round him. His
+feet was covered with moccasins of ontanned moose hide,
+and one heel was sot off with an old spur and looked sly
+and wicked. He was a sneezer that, and when he flourished
+his great long withe of a whip stick, that looked like
+a fishin' rod, over his head, and yelled like all possessed,
+he was a caution, that's a fact.
+
+"A knowin' lookin' little hoss, it was too, that he was
+mounted on. Its tail was cut close off to the stump,
+which squared up his rump, and made him look awful strong
+in the hind quarters. His mane was "hogged" which fulled
+out the swell and crest of the neck, and his ears being
+cropped, the critter had a game look about him. There
+was a proper good onderstandin' between him and his rider:
+they looked as if they had growed together, and made one
+critter--half hoss, half man with a touch of the devil.
+
+"Goodish was all up on eend by what he drank, and dashed
+in and out of the crowd arter a fashion, that was quite
+cautionary, callin' out, 'Here comes "the grave-digger."
+Don't be skeered, if any of you get killed, here is the
+hoss that will dig his grave for nothin'. Who'll run a
+lick of a quarter of a mile, for a pint of rum. Will you
+run?' said he, a spunkin' up to the Elder, 'come, let's
+run, and whoever wins, shall go the treat.'
+
+"The Elder smiled as sweet as sugar candy, but backed
+out; he was too old, he said, now to run.
+
+"'Will you swap hosses, old broad cloth then?' said the
+other, 'because if you will, here's at you.'
+
+"Steve took a squint at pony, to see whether that cat
+would jump or no, but the cropt ears, the stump of a
+tail, the rakish look of the horse, didn't jist altogether
+convene to the taste or the sanctified habits of the
+preacher. The word no, hung on his lips, like a wormy
+apple, jist ready to drop the fust shake; but before it
+let go, the great strength, the spryness, and the oncommon
+obedience of pony to the bit, seemed to kinder balance
+the objections; while the sartan and ontimely eend that
+hung over his own mare, during the comin' winter, death
+by starvation, turned the scale.
+
+"'Well,' said he, slowly, 'if we like each other's beasts,
+friend, and can agree as to the boot, I don't know as I
+wouldn't trade; for I don't care to raise colts, havin'
+plenty of hoss stock on hand, and perhaps you do.'
+
+"'How old is your hoss?' said the Frenchman.
+
+"'I didn't raise it,' sais Steve, 'Ned Wheelock, I believe,
+brought her to our parts.'
+
+"'How old do you take her to be?'
+
+"'Poor critter, she'd tell you herself, if she could,'
+said he, 'for she knows best, but she can't speak; and
+I didn't see her, when she was foalded.'
+
+"'How old do you think?'
+
+"'Age,' sais Steve, 'depens on use, not on years. A hoss
+at five, if ill used, is old; a hoss at eight, if well
+used is young.'
+
+"'Sacry footry!' sais Goodish, 'why don't you speak out
+like a man? Lie or no lie, how old is she?'
+
+"'Well, I don't like to say,' sais Steve, 'I know she is
+eight for sartain, and it may be she's nine. If I was to
+say eight, and it turned out nine, you might be thinkin'
+hard of me. I didn't raise it. You can see what condition
+she is in; old hosses ain't commonly so fat as that, at
+least I never, see one that was.'
+
+"A long banter then growed out of the 'boot money.' The
+Elder, asked 7 pounds 10s. Goodish swore he wouldn't give
+that for him and his hoss together; that if they were
+both put up to auction that blessed minute, they wouldn't
+bring it. The Elder hung on to it, as long as there was
+any chance of the boot, and then fort the ground like a
+man, only givin' an inch or so at a time, till he drawed
+up and made a dead stand, on one pound.
+
+"Goodish seemed willing to come to tarms too; but like
+a prudent man, resolved to take a look at the old mare's
+mouth, and make some kind of a guess at her age; but the
+critter knowed how to keep her own secrets, and it was
+ever so long, afore he forced her jaws open, and when he
+did, he came plaguy near losin' of a finger, for his
+curiosity; and as he hopped and danced about with pain,
+he let fly such a string of oaths, and sacry-cussed the
+Elder and his mare, in such an all-fired passion, that
+Steve put both his hands up to his ears, and said, 'Oh,
+my dear friend, don't swear, don't swear; it's very
+wicked. I'll take your pony, I'll ask no boot, if you
+will only promise not to swear. You shall have the mare
+as she stands. I'll give up and swap even; and there
+shall be no after claps, nor ruin bargains, nor recantin',
+nor nother, only don't swear.'
+
+"Well, the trade was made, the saddles and bridles was
+shifted, and both parties mounted their new hosses. 'Mr.
+Slick,' sais Steve,' who was afraid he would lose the
+pony, if he staid any longer, 'Mr. Slick,' sais he, 'the
+least said, is the soonest mended, let's be a movin',
+this scene of noise and riot is shockin' to a religious
+man, ain't it?' and he let go a groan, as long as the
+embargo a'most.
+
+"Well, we had no sooner turned to go, than the French
+people sot up a cheer that made all ring again; and they
+sung out, "La Fossy Your," "La Fossy Your," and shouted
+it agin and agin ever so loud.
+
+"'What's that?' sais Steve.
+
+"Well, I didn't know, for I never heerd the word afore;
+but it don't do to say you don't know, it lowers you in
+the eyes of other folks. If you don't know What another
+man knows he is shocked at your ignorance. But if he
+don't know what you do, he can find an excuse in a minute.
+Never say you don't know.
+
+"'So,' sais I, 'they jabber so everlastin' fast, it ain't
+no easy matter to say what they mean; but it sounds like
+"good bye," you'd better turn round and make 'em a bow,
+for they are very polite people, is the French.'
+
+"So Steve turns and takes off his hat, and makes them a
+low bow, and they larfs wus than ever, and calls out
+again, "La Fossy Your," "La Fossy Your." He was kinder
+ryled, was the Elder. His honey had begun to farment,
+and smell vinegery. 'May be, next Christmas,' sais he,
+'you won't larf so loud, when you find the mare is dead.
+Goodish and the old mare are jist alike, they are all
+tongue them critters. I rather think it's me,' sais he,
+'has the right to larf, for I've got the best of this
+bargain, and no mistake. This is as smart a little hoss
+as ever I see. I know where I can put him off to great
+advantage. I shall make a good day's work of this. It is
+about as good a hoss trade as I ever made. The French
+don't know nothin' about hosses; they are a simple people,
+their priests keep 'em in ignorance on purpose, and they
+don't know nothin'.'
+
+"He cracked and bragged considerable, and as we progressed
+we came to Montagon Bridge. The moment pony sot foot on
+it, he stopped short, pricked up the latter eends of his
+ears, snorted, squeeled and refused to budge an inch.
+The Elder got mad. He first coaxed and patted, and soft
+sawdered him, and then whipt and spurred, and thrashed
+him like any thing. Pony got mad too, for hosses has
+tempers as well as Elders; so he turned to, and kicked
+right straight up on eend, like Old Scratch, and kept on
+without stoppin' till he sent the Elder right slap over
+his head slantendicularly, on the broad of his back into
+the river, and he floated down thro' the bridge and
+scrambled out at t'other side.
+
+"Creation! how he looked. He was so mad, he was ready to
+bile over; and as it was he smoked in the sun, like a
+tea-kettle. His clothes stuck close down to him, as a
+cat's fur does to her skin, when she's out in the rain,
+and every step he took his boots went squish, squash,
+like an old woman churnin' butter; and his wet trowsers
+chafed with a noise like a wet flappin' sail. He was a
+shew, and when he got up to his hoss, and held on to his
+mane, and first lifted up one leg and then the other to
+let the water run out of his boots. I couldn't hold in
+no longer, but laid back and larfed till I thought on my
+soul I'd fall off into the river too.
+
+"'Elder,' says I, 'I thought when a man jined your sect,
+'he could never "_fall off agin_," but I see you ain't
+no safer than other folks arter all.'
+
+"'Come,' says he, 'let me be, that's a good soul, it's
+bad enough, without being larfed at, that's a fact. I
+can't account for this caper, no how.'
+
+"'It's very strange too, ain't it! What on airth got into
+the hoss to make him act so ugly. Can you tell, Mr.
+Slick?'
+
+"'Why,' sais I, 'he don't know English yet, that's all.
+He waited for them beautiful French oaths that Goodish
+used. Stop the fust Frenchman you meet and give him a
+shillin' to teach you to swear, and he'll go like a lamb.'
+
+"I see'd what was the matter of the hoss by his action
+as soon as we started; but I warn't agoin' for to let on
+to him about it. I wanted to see the sport. Well, he
+took his hoss by the bridle and led him over the bridge,
+and he follered kindly, then he mounted, and no hoss
+could go better. Arter a little, we came to another bridge
+agin, and the same play was acted anew, same coaxin',
+same threatenin', and same thrashin'; at last pony put
+down his head, and began to shake his tail, a gettin'
+ready for another bout of kickin'; when Steve got off
+and led him, and did the same to every bridge we come
+to.
+
+"'It's no use,' sais I, 'you must larn them oaths, he's
+used to 'em and misses them shocking. A sailor, a hoss,
+and a nigger ain't no good without you swear at 'em; it
+comes kinder nateral to them, and they look for it, fact
+I assure you. Whips wear out, and so do spurs, but a good
+sneezer of a cuss hain't no wear out to it; it's always
+the same.'
+
+"'I'll larn him sunthin', sais he, 'when I get him to
+home, and out o' sight that will do him good, and that
+he won't forget for one while, I know.'
+
+"Soon arter this we came to Everett's public-house on
+the bay, and I galloped up to the door, and went as close
+as I cleverly could on purpose, and then reined up short
+and sudden, when whap goes the pony right agin the side
+of the house, and nearly killed himself. He never stirred
+for the matter of two or three minutes. I actilly did
+think he had gone for it, and Steve went right thro' the
+winder on to the floor, with a holler noise, like a log
+o' wood thrown on to the deck of a vessel. 'Eugh!' says
+he, and he cut himself with the broken glass quite
+ridikilous.
+
+"'Why,' sais Everett, 'as I am a livin' sinner this is
+"the Grave-digger," he'll kill you, man, as sure as you
+are born, he is the wickedest hoss that ever was seen in
+these clearins here; and he is as blind as a bat too. No
+man in Nova Scotia can manage that hoss but Goodish
+Greevoy, and he'd manage the devil that feller, for he
+is man, horse, shark, and sarpent all in one, that
+Frenchman. What possessed you to buy such a varmint as
+that?'
+
+"'Grave digger!' said doleful Steve, 'what is that?'
+
+"'Why,' sais he, 'they went one day to bury a man, down
+to Clare did the French, and when they got to the grave,
+who should be in it but the pony. He couldn't see, and
+as he was a feedin' about, he tumbled in head over heels
+and they called him always arterwards 'the Grave-digger.'"
+
+"'Very simple people them French,' sais I, 'Elder; they
+don't know nothin' about hosses, do they? Their priests
+keep them in ignorance on purpose.'
+
+"Steve winced and squinched his face properly; and said
+the glass in his hands hurt him. Well, arter we sot all
+to rights, we began to jog on towards Digby. The Elder
+didn't say much, he was as chop fallen as a wounded moose;
+at last, says he, 'I'll ship him to St. John, and sell
+him. I'll put him on board of Captain Ned Leonard's
+vessel, as soon as I get to Digby.' Well, as I turned my
+head to answer him, and sot eyes on him agin, it most
+sot me a haw, hawin' a second time, he _did_ look so like
+Old Scratch. Oh Hedges! how haggardised he was! His new
+hat was smashed down like a cap on the crown of his head,
+his white cravat was bloody, his face all scratched, as
+if he had been clapper-clawed by a woman, and his hands
+was bound up with rags, where the glass cut 'em. The
+white sand of the floor of Everett's parlour had stuck
+to his damp clothes, and he looked like an old half corned
+miller, that was a returnin' to his wife, arter a spree.
+A leetle crest fallen for what he had got, a leetle mean
+for the way he looked, and a leetle skeered for what he'd
+catch, when he got to home. The way he sloped warn't no
+matter. He was a pictur, and a pictur I must say, I liked
+to look at.
+
+"And now Squire, do you take him off too, ingrave him,
+and bind him up in your book, and let others look at it,
+and put onder it '_the Elder and the Grave-digger_.'"
+
+"Well, when we got to town, the tide was high, and the
+vessel jist ready to cast off, and Steve, knowin' how
+skeer'd pony was of the water, got off to lead him, but
+the critter guessed it warn't a bridge, for he smelt salt
+water on both sides of him, and ahead too, and budge he
+wouldn't. Well, they beat him most to death, but he beat
+back agin with his heels, and it was a drawd fight. Then
+they goes to the fence and gets a great strong pole, and
+puts it across his hams, two men at each eend of the
+pole, and shoved away, and shoved away, till they progressed
+a yard or so; when pony squatted right down on the pole,
+throwd over the men, and most broke their legs, with his
+weight.
+
+"At last, the captain fetched a rope, and fixes it round
+his neck, with a slip knot, fastens it to the windlass,
+and dragged him in as they do an anchor, and tied him by
+his bridle to the boom; and then shoved off, and got
+under weigh.
+
+"Steve and I sot down on the wharf, for it was a beautiful
+day, and looked at them driftin' out in the stream, and
+hystin' sail, while the folks was gettin' somethin' ready
+for us to the inn.
+
+"When they had got out into the middle of the channel,
+took the breeze, and was all under way, and we was about
+turnin' to go back, I saw the pony loose, he had slipped
+his bridle, and not likin' the motion of the vessel, he
+jist walked overboard, head fust, with a most a beautiful
+splunge.
+
+"'_A most refreshin' time_,' said I, 'Elder, that critter
+has of it. I hope _that sinner will be saved_.'
+
+"He sprung right up on eend, as if he had been stung by
+a galley nipper, did Steve, 'Let me alone,' said he.
+'What have I done to be jobed, that way? Didn't I keep
+within the strict line o' truth? Did I tell that Frenchman
+one mossel of a lie? Answer me, that, will you? I've been
+cheated awful; but I scorn to take the advantage of any
+man. You had better look to your own dealin's, and let
+me alone, you pedlin', cheatin' Yankee clockmaker you.'
+
+"'Elder,' sais I, 'if you warn't too mean to rile a man,
+I'd give you a kick on your pillion, that would send you
+a divin' arter your hoss; but you ain't worth it. Don't
+call me names tho', or I'll settle your coffee for you,
+without a fish skin, afore you are ready to swaller it
+I can _tell_ you. So keep your mouth shut, my old coon,
+or your teeth might get sun-burnt. You think you are
+angry with me; but you aint; you are angry with yourself.
+You know you have showd yourself a proper fool for to
+come, for to go, for to talk to a man that has seed so
+much of the world as I have, bout "_refreshin' time_,"
+and "_outpourin' of spirit_," and "_makin' profession_"
+and what not; and you know you showd yourself an everlastin'
+rogue, a meditatin' of cheatin' that Frenchman all summer.
+It's biter bit, and I don't pity you one mossel; it sarves
+you right. But look at the grave-digger; he looks to me
+as if he was a diggin' of his own grave in rael right
+down airnest.'
+
+"The captain havin' his boat histed, and thinkin' the
+hoss would swim ashore of hisself, kept right straight
+on; and the hoss swam this way, and that way, and every
+way but the right road, jist as the eddies took him. At
+last, he got into the ripps off of Johnston's pint, and
+they wheeled him right round and round like a whip-top.
+Poor pony! he got his match at last. He struggled, and
+jumpt, and plunged and fort, like a man, for dear life.
+Fust went up his knowin' little head, that had no ears;
+and he tried to jump up and rear out of it, as he used
+to did out of a mire hole or honey pot ashore; but there
+was no bottom there; nothin' for his hind foot to spring
+from; so down he went agin ever so deep: and then he
+tried t'other eend, and up went his broad rump, that had
+no tail; but there was nothin' for the fore feet to rest
+on nother; so he made a summerset, and as he went over,
+he gave out a great long end wise kick to the full stretch
+of his hind legs.
+
+"Poor feller! it was the last kick he ever gave in this
+world; he sent his heels straight up on eend, like a pair
+of kitchen tongs, and the last I see of him was a bright
+dazzle, as the sun shined on his iron shoes, afore the
+water closed over him for ever.
+
+"I railly felt sorry for the poor old 'grave-digger,' I
+did upon my soul, for hosses and ladies are two things,
+that a body can't help likin'. Indeed, a feller that
+hante no taste that way ain't a man at all, in my opinion.
+Yes, I felt ugly for poor 'grave-digger,' though I didn't
+feel one single bit so for that cantin' cheatin', old
+Elder. So when I turns to go, sais I, 'Elder,' sais I,
+and I jist repeated his own words--'I guess it's your
+turn to laugh now, for you have got the best of the
+bargain, and no mistake. Goodish and the old mare are
+jist alike, all tongue, ain't they? But these French is
+a simple people, so they be; they don't know nothin',
+that's a fact. Their priests keep 'em in ignorance a
+puppus.
+
+"The next time you tell your experience to the great
+Christian meetin' to Goose Creek, jist up and tell 'em,
+from beginnin' to eend, the story of the--'_Elder and
+the Grave-digger_.'"
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIII.
+
+LOOKING BACK.
+
+In the course of the evening, Mr. Hopewell adverted to
+his return as a matter of professional duty, and spoke
+of it in such a feeling and earnest manner, as to leave
+no doubt upon my mind, that we should not be able to
+detain him long in this country, unless his attention
+should be kept fully occupied by a constant change of
+scene.
+
+Mr. Slick expressed to me the same fear, and, knowing
+that I had been talking of going to Scotland, entreated
+me not to be long absent, for he felt convinced that as
+soon as he should be left alone, his thoughts and wishes
+would at once revert to America.
+
+"I will try to keep him up," said he, "as well as I can,
+but I can't do it alone. If you do go, don't leave us
+long. Whenever I find him dull, and can't cheer him up
+no how I can fix it, by talk, or fun, or sight seein' or
+nothin', I make him vexed, and that excites him, stirs
+him up with a pot stick, and is of great sarvice to him.
+I don't mean actilly makin' him wrathy in airnest, but
+jist rilin of him for his own good, by pokin' a mistake
+at him. I'll shew you, presently, how I do it."
+
+As soon as Mr. Hopewell rejoined us, he began to inquire
+into the probable duration of our visit to this country,
+and expressed a wish to return, as soon as possible, to
+Slickville.
+
+"Come, Minister," said Mr. Slick, tapping him on the
+shoulder, "as father used to say, we must 'right about
+face' now. When we are at home let us think of home, when
+we are here, let us think of this place. Let us look
+a-head, don't let's look back, for we can't see nothin'
+there."
+
+"Indeed, Sam," said he, with a sad and melancholy air,
+"it would be better for us all if we looked back oftener
+than we do. From the errors of the past, we might rectify
+our course for the future. Prospective sin is often
+clothed in very alluring garments; past sin appears in
+all its naked deformity. Looking back, therefore--"
+
+"Is very well," said Mr. Slick, "in the way of preachin';
+but lookin' back when you can't see nothin', as you are
+now, is only a hurtin' of your eyes. I never hear that
+word, 'lookin' back,' that I don't think of that funny
+story of Lot's wife."
+
+"Funny story of Lot's wife, Sir! Do you call that a
+funny story, Sir?"
+
+"I do, Sir."
+
+"You do, Sir?"
+
+"Yes, I do, Sir; and I defy you or any other man to say
+it ain't a funny story."
+
+"Oh dear, dear," said Mr. Hopewell, "that I should have
+lived to see the day when you, my son, would dare to
+speak of a Divine judgment as a funny story, and that
+you should presume so to address me."
+
+"A judgment, Sir?"
+
+"Yes, a judgment, Sir."
+
+"Do you call the story of Lot's wife a judgment?"
+
+"Yes, I do call the story of Lot's wife a judgment; a
+monument of the Divine wrath for the sin of disobedience."
+
+"What! Mrs. Happy Lot? Do you call her a monument of
+wrath? Well, well, if that don't beat all, Minister. If
+you had a been a-tyin' of the night-cap last night I
+shouldn't a wondered at your talkin' at that pace. But
+to call that dear little woman, Mrs. Happy Lot, that
+dancin', laughin' tormentin', little critter, a monument
+of wrath, beats all to immortal smash."
+
+"Why who are you a-talkin' of, Sam?"
+
+"Why, Mrs. Happy Lot, the wife of the Honourable Cranbery
+Lot, of Umbagog, to be sure. Who did you think I was
+a-talkin' of?"
+
+"Well, I thought you was a-talkin' of--of--ahem--of
+subjects too serious to be talked of in that manner; but
+I did you wrong, Sam; I did you injustice. Give me your
+hand, my boy. It's better for me to mistake and apologize,
+than for you to sin and repent. I don't think I ever
+heard of Mr. Lot, of Umbagog, or of his wife either. Sit
+down here, and tell me the story, for 'with thee conversing,
+I forget all time.'"
+
+"Well, Minister," said Mr. Slick, "I'll tell you the ins
+and outs of it; and a droll story it is too. Miss Lot
+was the darter of Enoch Mosher, the rich miser of Goshen;
+as beautiful a little critter too, as ever slept in
+shoe-leather. She looked for all the world like one of
+the Paris fashion prints, for she was a parfect pictur',
+that's a fact. Her complexion was made of white and red
+roses, mixed so beautiful, you couldn't tell where the
+white eended, or the red begun, natur' had used the
+blendin' brush so delicate. Her eyes were screw augurs,
+I tell _you_; they bored right into your heart, and kinder
+agitated you, and made your breath come and go, and your
+pulse flutter. I never felt nothin' like 'em. When lit
+up, they sparkled like lamp reflectors; and at other
+tunes, they was as soft, and mild, and clear as dew-drops
+that hang on the bushes at sun-rise. When she loved,
+she loved; and when she hated, she hated about the
+wickedest you ever see. Her lips were like heart cherries
+of the carnation kind; so plump, and fall, and hard, you
+felt as if you could fall to and eat 'em right up. Her
+voice was like a grand piany, all sorts o' power in it;
+canary-birds' notes at one eend, and thunder at t'other,
+accordin' to the humour she was in, for she was a'most
+a grand bit of stuff was Happy, she'd put an edge on a
+knife a'most. She was a rael steel. Her figur' was as
+light as a fairy's, and her waist was so taper and tiny,
+it seemed jist made for puttin' an arm round in walkin'.
+She was as ac_tive_ and springy on her feet as a catamount,
+and near about as touch me-not a sort of customer too.
+She actilly did seem as if she was made out of steel
+springs and chicken-hawk. If old Cran, was to slip off
+the handle, I think I should make up to her, for she is
+'a salt,' that's a fact, a most a heavenly splice.
+
+"Well, the Honourable Cranbery Lot put in for her, won
+her, and married her. A good speculation it turned out
+too, for he got the matter of one hundred thousand of
+dollars by her, if he got a cent. As soon as they were
+fairly welded, off they sot to take the tour of Europe,
+and they larfed and cried, and kissed and quarrelled,
+and fit and made up all over the Continent, for her temper
+was as onsartain as the climate here--rain one minit
+and sun the next; but more rain nor sun.
+
+"He was a fool, was Cranbery. He didn't know how to manage
+her. His bridle hand warn't good, I tell you. A spry,
+mettlesome hoss, and a dull critter with no action, don't
+mate well in harness, that's a fact.
+
+"After goin' every where, and every where else amost,
+where should they get to but the Alps. One arternoon, a
+sincerely cold one it was too, and the weather, violent
+slippy, dark overtook them before they reached the top
+of one of the highest and steepest of them mountains,
+and they had to spend the night at a poor squatter's
+shanty.
+
+"Well, next mornin', jist at day-break, and sun-rise on
+them everlastin' hills is tall sun-rise, and no mistake,
+p'rhaps nothin was ever seen so fine except the first
+one, since creation. It takes the rag off quite. Well,
+she was an enterprisin' little toad, was Miss Lot too,
+afeered of nothin' a'most; so nothin' would sarve her
+but she must out and have a scramb up to the tip-topest
+part of the peak afore breakfast.
+
+"Well, the squatter there, who was a kind o' guide, did
+what he could to dispersuade her, but all to no purpose;
+go she would, and a headstrong woman and a runaway hoss
+are jist two things it's out of all reason to try to
+stop; The only way is to urge 'em on, and then, bein'
+contr_ary_ by natur', they stop of themselves.
+
+"'Well,' sais the guide, 'if you will go, marm, do take
+this pike staff, marm,' sais he; (a sort of walkin'-stick
+with a spike to the eend of it), 'for you can't get either
+up or down them slopes without it, it is so almighty
+slippy there.' So she took the staff, and off she sot
+and climbed and climbed ever so far, till she didn't look
+no bigger than a snowbird.
+
+"At last she came to a small flat place, like a table,
+and then she turned round to rest, get breath, and take
+a look at the glorious view; and jist as she hove-to, up
+went her little heels, and away went her stick, right
+over a big parpendicular cliff, hundreds and hundreds,
+and thousands of feet deep. So deep, you couldn't see
+the bottom for the shadows, for the very snow looked
+black down there. There is no way in, it is so steep,
+but over the cliff; and no way out, but one, and that
+leads to t'other world. I can't describe it to you,
+though. I have see'd it since myself. There are some
+things too big to lift; some, too big to carry after they
+be lifted; and some too grand for the tongue to describe
+too. There's a notch where dictionary can't go no farther,
+as well as every other created thing, that's a fact.
+P'rhaps if I was to say it looked like the mould that
+that 'are very peak was cast in, afore it was cold and
+stiff, and sot up on eend, I should come as near the mark
+as any thing I know on.
+
+"Well away she slid, feet and hands out, all flat on her
+face, right away, arter her pike staff. Most people would
+have ginn it up as gone goose, and others been so frightened
+as not to do any thing at all; or at most only jist to
+think of a prayer, for there was no time to say one.
+
+"But not so Lot's 'wife. She was of a conquerin' natur'.
+She never gave nothin' up, till she couldn't hold on no
+longer. She was one o' them critters that go to bed
+mistress, and rise master; and just as she got to the
+edge of the precipice, her head hangin' over, and her
+eyes lookin' down, and she all but ready to shoot out
+and launch away into bottomless space, the ten commandments
+brought her right short up. Oh, she sais, the sudden joy
+of that sudden stop swelled her heart so big, she thought
+it would have bust like a byler; and, as it was, the
+great endurin' long breath she drew, arter such an alfired
+escape, almost killed her at the ebb, it hurt her so."
+
+"But," said Mr. Hopewell, "how did the ten commandments
+save her? Do you mean that figuratively, or literally.
+Was it her reliance on providence, arising from a conscious
+observance of the decalogue all her life, or was it a
+book containing them, that caught against some thing,
+and stopt her descent. It is very interesting. Many a
+person, Sam, has been saved when at the brink of
+destruction, by laying fast hold on the bible. Who can
+doubt, that the commandments had a Divine origin? Short,
+simple and yet comprehensive; the first four point to
+our duty to our Maker, the last six, towards our social
+duties. In this respect there is a great similarity of
+structure, to that excellent prayer given us--"
+
+"Oh, Minister," said Mr. Slick, "I beg your pardon, I
+do, indeed, I don't mean that at all; and I do declare
+and vow now, I wasn't a playin' possum with you, nother.
+I won't do it no more, I won't, indeed."
+
+"Well, what did you mean then?"
+
+"Why I meant her ten fingers, to be sure. When a woman
+clapper claws her husband, we have a cant tarm with us
+boys of Slickville, savin' she gave him her ten
+commandments."
+
+"And a very improper expression too, Sir," said Mr.
+Hopewell; "a very irreverent, indecent, and I may say
+profane expression; I am quite shocked. But as you say
+you didn't mean it, are sorry for it, and will not repeat
+it again, I accept your apology, and rely on your promise.
+Go on, Sir."
+
+"Well, as I was a savin', the moment she found herself
+a coasting of it that way, flounder fashion, she hung on
+by her ten com--I mean her ten fingers, and her ten toes,
+like grim death to a dead nigger, and it brought her up
+jist in time. But how to get back was the question? To
+let go the hold of any one hand was sartain death, and
+there was nobody to help her, and yet to hold on long
+that way, she couldn't, no how she could fix it.
+
+"So what does she do, (for nothin' equals a woman for
+contrivances), but move one finger at a time, and then
+one toe at a time, till she gets a new hold, and then
+crawls backward, like a span-worm, an inch at a hitch.
+Well, she works her passage this way, wrong eend foremost,
+by backin' of her paddles for the matter of half an hour
+or so, till she gets to where it was roughish, and
+somethin' like standin' ground, when who should come by
+but a tall handsome man, with a sort of a half coat, half
+cloak-like coverin' on, fastened round the waist with a
+belt, and havin' a hood up, to ambush the head.
+
+"The moment she clapt eyes on him, she called to him for
+help. 'Oh,' sais she, 'for heaven's sake, good man, help
+me up! Jist take hold of my leg and draw me back, will
+you, that's a good soul?' And then she held up fust one
+leg for him, and then the other, most beseechin', but
+nothin' would move him. He jist stopt, looked back for
+a moment and then progressed agin.
+
+"Well, it ryled her considerable. Her eyes actilly snapped
+with fire, like a hemlock log at Christmas: (for nothin'
+makes a woman so mad as a parsonal slight, and them little
+ankles of hern were enough to move the heart of a stone,
+and make it jump out o' the ground, that's a fact, they
+were such fine-spun glass ones), it made her so mad, it
+gave her fresh strength; and makin' two or three onnateral
+efforts, she got clear back to the path, and sprung right
+up on eend, as wicked as a she-bear with a sore head.
+But when she got upright agin, she then see'd what a
+beautiful frizzle of a fix she was in. She couldn't hope
+to climb far; and, indeed, she didn't ambition to; she'd
+had enough of that, for one spell. But climbin' up was
+nothin', compared to goin' down hill without her staff;
+so what to do, she didn't know.
+
+"At last, a thought struck her. She intarmined to make
+that man help her, in spite of him. So she sprung forward
+for a space, like a painter, for life or death, and caught
+right hold of his cloak. 'Help--help me!' said she, 'or
+I shall go for it, that's sartain. Here's my puss, my
+rings, my watch, and all I have got; but oh, help me!
+for the love of God, help me, or my flint is fixed for
+good and all.'
+
+"With that, the man turned round, and took one glance at
+her, as if he kinder relented, and then, all at once,
+wheeled back again, as amazed as if he was jist born,
+gave an awful yell, and started off as fast as he could
+clip, though that warn't very tall runnin' nother,
+considerin' the ground. But she warn't to be shook off
+that way. She held fast to his cloak, like a burr to a
+sheep's tail, and raced arter him, screamin' and screechin'
+like mad; and the more she cried, the louder he yelled,
+till the mountains all echoed it and re-echoed it, so
+that you would have thought a thousand devils had broke
+loose, a'most.
+
+"Such a gettin' up stairs you never did see.
+
+"Well, they kept up this tantrum for the space of two or
+three hundred yards, when they came to a small, low,
+dismal-lookin' house, when the man gave the door a kick,
+that sent the latch a flyin' off to the t'other eend of
+the room, and fell right in on the floor, on his face,
+as flat as a flounder, a groanin' and a moanin' like any
+thing, and lookin' as mean as a critter that was sent
+for, and couldn't come, and as obstinate as a pine stump.
+
+"'What ails you?' sais she, 'to act like Old Scratch that
+way? You ought to be ashamed of yourself, to behave so
+to a woman. What on airth is there about me to frighten
+you so, you great onmannerly, onmarciful, coward, you.
+Come, scratch up, this minute.'
+
+"Well, the more she talked, the more he groaned; but the
+devil a word, good or bad, could she get out of him at
+all. With that, she stoops down, and catches up his
+staff, and says she, 'I have as great a mind to give you
+a jab with this here toothpick, where your mother used
+to spank you, as ever I had in all my life. But if you
+want it, my old 'coon, you must come and get it; for if
+you won't help me, I shall help myself.'
+
+"Jist at that moment, her eyes being better accustomed
+to the dim light of the place, she see'd a man, a sittin'
+at the fur eend of the room, with his back to the wall,
+larfin' ready to kill himself. He grinned so, he showed
+his corn-crackers from ear to ear. She said, he stript
+his teeth like a catamount, he look'd so all mouth.
+
+"Well, that encouraged her, for there ain't much harm in
+a larfin' man; it's only them that never larf that's
+fearfulsome. So sais she 'My good man, will you he so
+kind as to lend me your arm down this awful peak, and I
+will reward you handsomely, you may depend.'
+
+"Well, he made no answer, nother; and thinkin' he didn't
+onderstand English, she tried him in Italian, and then
+in broken French, and then bungled out a little German;
+but no, still no answer. He took no more notice of her
+and her mister, and senior, and mountsheer, and mynheer,
+than if he never heerd them titles, but jist larfed on.
+
+"She stopped a minit, and looked at him full in the face,
+to see what he meant by all this ongenteel behaviour,
+when all of a sudden, jist as she moved one step nearer
+to him, she saw he was a dead man, and had been so long
+there, part of the flesh had dropt off or dried off his
+face; and it was that that made him grin that way, like
+a fox-trap. It was the bone-house they was in. The place
+where poor, benighted, snow-squalled stragglers, that
+perish on the mountains, are located, for their friends
+to come and get them, if they want 'em; and if there
+ain't any body that knows 'em or cares for 'em, why they
+are left there for ever, to dry into nothin' but parchment
+and atomy, as it's no joke diggin' a grave in that frozen
+region.
+
+"As soon as she see'd this, she never said another blessed
+word, but jist walked off with the livin' man's pike,
+and began to poke her way down the mountain as careful
+as she cleverly could, dreadful tired, and awful frighted.
+
+"Well, she hadn't gone far, afore she heard her name
+echoed all round her--Happy! Happy! Happy! It seemed from
+the echoes agin, as if there was a hundred people a
+yelling it put all at once.
+
+"Oh, very happy,' said she, 'very happy, indeed; guess
+you'd find it so if you was here. I know I should feel
+very happy if I was out of it, that's all; for I believe,
+on my soul, this is harnted ground, and the people in it
+are possessed. Oh, if I was only to home, to dear Umbagog
+agin, no soul should ever ketch me in this outlandish
+place any more, _I_ know.'
+
+"Well, the sound increased and increased so, like young
+thunder she was e'en a'most skeared to death, and in a
+twitteration all over; and her knees began to shake so,
+she expected to go for it every minute; when a sudden
+turn of the path show'd her her husband and the poor
+squatter a sarchin' for her.
+
+"She was so overcome with fright and joy, she could hardly
+speak--and it warn't a trifle that would toggle her
+tongue, that's a fact. It was some time after she arrived
+at the house afore she could up and tell the story
+onderstandable; and when she did, she had to tell it
+twice over, first in short hand, and then in long metre,
+afore she could make out the whole bill o' parcels.
+Indeed, she hante done tellin' it yet, and wherever she
+is, she works round, and works round, till she gets Europe
+spoke of, and then she begins, 'That reminds me of a most
+remarkable fact. Jist after I was married to Mr. Lot, we
+was to the Alps.'
+
+"If ever you see her, and she begins that way, up hat
+and cut stick, double quick, or you'll find the road over
+the Alps to Umbagog, a little the longest you've ever
+travelled, I know.
+
+"Well, she had no sooner done than Cranbery jumps up on
+eend, and sais he to the guide, 'Uncle,' sais he, 'jist
+come along with me, that's a good feller, will you? We
+must return that good Samaritan's' cane to him; and as
+he must be considerable cold there, I'll jist warm his
+hide a bit for him, to make his blood sarculate. If he
+thinks I'll put that treatment to my wife, Miss Lot, into
+my pocket, and walk off with it, he's mistaken in the
+child, that's all, Sir. He may be stubbeder than I be,
+Uncle, that's a fact; but if he was twice as stubbed,
+I'd walk into him like a thousand of bricks. I'll give
+him a taste of my breed. Insultin' a lady is a weed we
+don't suffer to grow in our fields to Umbagog. Let him
+be who the devil he will, log-leg or leather-breeches
+--green-shirt or blanket-coat--land-trotter or river-roller,
+I'll let him know there is a warrant out arter him, I know."
+
+"'Why,' sais the guide, 'he couldn't help himself, no
+how he could work it. He is a friar, or a monk, or a
+hermit, or a pilgrim, or somethin' or another of that
+kind, for there is no eend to them, they are so many
+different sorts; but the breed he is of, have a vow never
+to look at a woman, or talk to a woman, or touch a woman,
+and if they do, there is a penance, as long as into the
+middle of next week.'
+
+"'Not look at a woman?' sais Cran, 'why, what sort of a
+guess world would this be without petticoats?--what a
+superfine superior tarnation fool he must be, to jine
+such a tee-total society as that. Mint julip I could give
+up, I _do_ suppose, though I had a plaguy sight sooner
+not do it, that's a fact: but as for womankind, why the
+angeliferous little torments, there is no livin' without
+_them_. What do you think, stranger?'
+
+"'Sartainly,' said Squatter; 'but seein' that the man
+had a vow, why it warn't his fault, for he couldn't do
+nothin' else. Where _he_ did wrong, was _to look back_;
+if he hadn't a _looked back_, he wouldn't have sinned.'
+
+"'Well, well,' sais Cran, 'if that's the case, it is a
+hoss of another colour, that. I won't look back nother,
+then. Let him he. But he is erroneous considerable.'
+
+"So you see, Minister," said Mr. Slick, "where there is
+nothin' to be gained, and harm done, by this retrospection,
+as you call it, why I think lookin' a-head is far better
+than--_lookin' back_."
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIV.
+
+CROSSING THE BORDER.
+
+The time had now arrived when it was necessary for me to
+go to Scotland, for a few days. I had two very powerful
+reasons for this excursion:--first, because an old and
+valued friend of mine was there, whom I had not met for
+many years, and whom I could not think of leaving this
+country without seeing again; and secondly, because I
+was desirous of visiting the residence of my forefathers
+on the Tweed, which, although it had passed out of their
+possession many years ago, was still endeared to me as
+their home, as the scene of the family traditions; and
+above all, as their burial place.
+
+The grave is the first stage on the journey, from this
+to the other world. We are permitted to escort our
+friends so far, and no further; it is there we part for
+ever. It is there the human form is deposited, when
+mortality is changed for immortality. This burial place
+contains no one that I have ever seen or known; but it
+contains the remains of those from whom I derived my
+lineage and my name. I therefore naturally desired to
+see it.
+
+Having communicated my intention to my two American
+companions, I was very much struck with the different
+manner in which they received the announcement.
+
+"Come back soon, Squire," said Mr. Slick; "go and see
+your old friend, if you must, and go to the old campin'
+grounds of your folks; though the wigwam I expect has
+gone long ago, but don't look at anythin' else. I want
+we should visit the country together. I have an idea from
+what little I have seed of it, Scotland is over-rated.
+I guess there is a good deal of romance about their old
+times; and that, if we knowed all, their old lairds warn't
+much better, or much richer than our Ingian chiefs; much
+of a muchness. Kinder sorter so, and kinder sorter not
+so, no great odds. Both hardy, both fierce; both as poor
+as Job's Turkey, and both tarnation proud, at least,
+that's my idea to a notch.
+
+"I have often axed myself what sort of a gall that
+splenderiferous, 'Lady of the Lake' of Scott's was, and
+I kinder guess she was a red-headed Scotch heifer, with
+her hair filled with heather, and feather, and lint, with
+no shoes and stockings to her feet, and that
+
+   "Her lips apart
+    Like monument of Grecian art"
+
+meant that she stared with her eyes and mouth wide open,
+like other county galls that never see'd nothing before--a
+regilar screetch owl in petticoats. And I suspicion, that
+Mr. Rob Roy was a sort of thievin' devil of a white
+Mohawk, that found it easier to steal cattle, than raise
+them himself; and that Loch Katrin, that they make such
+a touss about, is jist about equal to a good sizeable
+duck-pond in our country; at least, that's my idea. For
+I tell you it does not do to follow arter a poet, and
+take all he says for gospel.
+
+"Yes, let's go and see Sawney in his "Ould _Reeky_."
+Airth and seas! if I have any nose at all, there never
+was a place so well named as that. Phew! let me light a
+cigar to get rid of the fogo of it.
+
+"Then let's cross over and see "Pat at Home;" let's look
+into matters and things there, and see what "Big Dan" is
+about, with his "association" and "agitation" and "repail"
+and "tee-totals." Let's see whether it's John Bull or
+Patlander that's to blame, or both on 'em; six of one
+and half-a-dozen of tother. By Gosh! Minister would talk,
+more sense in one day to Ireland, than has been talked
+there since the rebellion; for common sense is a word
+that don't grow like Jacob's ladder, in them diggins, I
+guess. It's about, as stunted as Gineral Nichodemus Ott's
+corn was.
+
+"The Gineral was takin' a ride with a southerner one day
+over his farm to Bangor in Maine, to see his crops, fixin
+mill privileges and what not, and the southerner was a
+turning up his nose at every thing amost, proper scorney,
+and braggin' how things growed on his estate down south.
+At last the Gineral's ebenezer began to rise, and he got
+as mad as a hatter, and was intarmed to take a rise out
+of him.
+
+"'So,' says he, 'stranger,' says he, 'you talk about your
+Indgian corn, as if nobody else raised any but yourself.
+Now I'll bet you a thousand dollars, I have corn that's
+growd so wonderful, you can't reach the top of it a
+standin' on your horse.'
+
+"'Done,' sais Southener, and 'Done,' sais the General,
+and done it was.
+
+"'Now,' sais the Giniral, 'stand up on your saddle like
+a circus rider, for the field is round that corner of
+the wood there.' And the entire stranger stood up as
+stiff as a poker. 'Tall corn, I guess,' sais he, 'if I
+can't reach it, any how, for I can e'en a'most reach the
+top o' them trees. I think I feel them thousand dollars
+of yourn, a marchin' quick step into my pocket, four
+deep. Reach your corn, to be sure I will. Who the plague,
+ever see'd corn so tall, that a man couldn't reach it a
+horseback.'
+
+"'Try it,' sais the Gineral, as he led him into the field,
+where the corn was only a foot high, the land was so
+monstrous, mean and so beggarly poor.
+
+"'Reach it,' sais the Gineral.
+
+"'What a damned Yankee trick,' sais the Southener. 'What
+a take in this is, ain't it?' and he leapt, and hopt,
+and jumped like a snappin' turtle, he was so mad. Yes,
+common sense to Ireland, is like Indgian corn to Bangor,
+it ain't overly tall growin', that's a fact. We must see
+both these countries together. It is like the nigger's
+pig to the West Indies "little and dam old."
+
+"Oh, come back soon, Squire, I have a thousand things,
+I want to tell you, and I shall forget one half o' them,
+if you don't; and besides," said he in an onder tone,
+"_he_" (nodding his head towards Mr. Hopewell,) "will
+miss you shockingly. He frets horridly about his flock.
+He says, ''Mancipation and Temperance have superceded
+the Scriptures in the States. That formerly they preached
+religion there, but now they only preach about niggers
+and rum.' Good bye, Squire."
+
+"You do right, Squire," said Mr. Hopewell, "to go. That
+which has to be done, should be done soon, for we have
+not always the command of our time. See your friend, for
+the claims of friendship are sacred; and see your family
+tomb-stones also, for the sight of them, will awaken a
+train of reflections in a mind like yours, at once
+melancholy and elevating; but I will not deprive you of
+the pleasure you will derive from first impressions, by
+stripping them of their novelty. You will be pleased with
+the Scotch; they are a frugal, industrious, moral and
+intellectual people. I should like to see their agriculture,
+I am told it is by far the best in Europe.
+
+"But, Squire, I shall hope to see you soon, for I sometimes
+think duty calls me home again. Although my little flock
+has chosen other shepherds and quitted my fold, some of
+them may have seen their error, and wish to return. And
+ought I not to be there to receive them? It is true, I
+am no longer a labourer in the vineyard, but my heart is
+there. I should like to walk round and round the wall
+that encloses it, and climb up, and look into it, and
+talk to them that are at work there. I might give some
+advice that would be valuable to them. The blossoms
+require shelter, and the fruit requires heat, and the
+roots need covering in Winter. The vine too is luxuriant,
+and must be pruned, or it will produce nothing but wood.
+It demands constant care and constant labour; I had
+decorated the little place with flowers too, to make it
+attractive and pleasant.
+
+"But, ah me! dissent will pull all these up like weeds,
+and throw them out; and scepticism will raise nothing
+but gaudy annuals. The perennials will not flourish
+without cultivating and enriching the ground; _their
+roots are in the heart_. The religion of our Church,
+which is the same as this of England, is a religion which
+inculcates love: filial love towards God; paternal love
+to those committed to our care; brotherly love, to our
+neighbour, nay, something more than is known by that term
+in its common acceptation, for we are instructed to love
+our neighbour as ourselves.
+
+"We are directed to commence our prayer with "Our Father."
+How much of love, of tenderness, of forbearance, of
+kindness, of liberality, is embodied in that word--
+children: of the same father, members of the same great
+human family I Love is the bond of union--love dwelleth
+in the heart; and the heart must be cultivated, that the
+seeds of affection may germinate in it.
+
+"Dissent is cold and sour; it never appeals to the
+affections, but it scatters denunciations, and rules by
+terror. Scepticism is proud and self-sufficient. It
+refuses to believe in mysteries and deals in rhetoric
+and sophistry, and flatters the vanity, by exalting human
+reason. My poor lost flock will see the change, and I
+fear, feel it too. Besides, absence is a temporary death.
+Now I am gone from them, they will forget my frailties
+and infirmities, and dwell on what little good might have
+been in me, and, perhaps, yearn towards me.
+
+"If I was to return, perhaps I could make an impression
+on the minds of some, and recall two or three, if not
+more, to a sense of duty. What a great thing that would
+be, wouldn't it? And if I did, I would get our bishop to
+send me a pious, zealous, humble-minded, affectionate,
+able young man, as a successor; and I would leave my
+farm, and orchard, and little matters, as a glebe for
+the Church. And who knows but the Lord may yet rescue
+Slickville from the inroads of ignorant fanatics, political
+dissenters, and wicked infidels?
+
+"And besides, my good friend, I have much to say to you,
+relative to the present condition and future prospects
+of this great country. I have lived to see a few ambitious
+lawyers, restless demagogues, political preachers, and
+unemployed local officers of provincial regiments, agitate
+and sever thirteen colonies at one time from the government
+of England. I have witnessed the struggle. It was a
+fearful, a bloody and an unnatural one. My opinions,
+therefore, are strong in proportion as my experience is
+great. I have abstained on account of their appearing
+like preconceptions from saying much to you yet, for I
+want to see more of this country, and to be certain, that
+I am quite right before I speak.
+
+"When you return, I will give you my views on some of
+the great questions of the day. Don't adopt them, hear
+them and compare them with your own. I would have you
+think for yourself, for I am an old man now and sometimes
+I distrust my powers of mind.
+
+"The state of this country you, in your situation, ought
+to be thoroughly acquainted with. It is a very perilous
+one. Its prosperity, its integrity, nay its existence
+as a first-rate power, hangs by a thread, and that thread
+but little better and stronger than a cotton one. _Quem
+Deus vult perdere prius dementat_. I look in vain for
+that constitutional vigour, and intellectual power, which
+once ruled the destinies of this great nation.
+
+"There is an aberration of intellect, and a want of
+self-possession here that alarms me. I say, alarms me,
+for American as I am by birth, and republican as I am
+from the force of circumstances, I cannot but regard
+England with great interest, and with great affection.
+What a beautiful country! What a noble constitution! What
+a high minded, intelligent, and generous people! When
+the Whigs came into office, the Tories were not a party,
+they were the people of England. Where and what are they
+now? Will they ever have a lucid interval, or again
+recognise the sound of their own name? And yet, Sam,
+doubtful as the prospect of their recovery is, and fearful
+as the consequences of a continuance of their malady
+appear to be, one thing is most certain, _a Tory government
+is the proper government for a monarchy, a suitable one
+for any country, but it is the only one for England_. I
+do not mean an ultra one, for I am a moderate man, and
+all extremes are equally to be avoided. I mean a temperate,
+but firm one: steady to its friends, just to its enemies,
+and inflexible to all. "When compelled to yield, it should
+be by the force of reason, and never by the power of
+agitation. Its measures should be actuated by a sense
+of what is right, and not what is expedient, for to
+concede is to recede--to recede is to evince weakness
+--and to betray weakness is to invite attack.
+
+"I am a stranger here. I do not understand this new word,
+Conservatism. I comprehend the other two, Toryism and
+Liberalism. The one is a monarchical, and the other a
+republican word. The term, Conservatism, I suppose,
+designates a party formed out of the moderate men of both
+sides, or rather, composed of Low-toned Tories and High
+Whigs. I do not like to express a decided opinion yet,
+but my first impression is always adverse to mixtures,
+for a mixture renders impure the elements of which it is
+compounded. Every thing will depend on the preponderance
+of the wholesome over the deleterious ingredients. I will
+analyse it carefully. See how one neutralizes or improves
+the other, and what the effect of the compound is likely
+to be on the constitution. I will request our Ambassador,
+Everett, or Sam's friend, the Minister Extraordinary,
+Abednego Layman, to introduce me to Sir Robert Peel, and
+will endeavour to obtain all possible information from
+the best possible source.
+
+"On your return I will give you a candid and deliberate
+opinion."
+
+After a silence of some minutes, during which he walked
+up and down the room in a fit of abstraction, he suddenly
+paused, and said, as if thinking aloud--
+
+"Hem, hem--so you are going to cross the border, eh? That
+northern intellect is strong. Able men the Scotch, a
+little too radical in politics, and a little too liberal,
+as it is called, in a matter of much greater consequence;
+bat a superior people, on the whole. They will give you
+a warm reception, will the Scotch. Your name will insure
+that; and they are clannish; and another warm reception
+will, I assure you, await you here, when, returning, you
+again _Cross the Border_."
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XV.
+
+THE IRISH PREFACE.
+
+Gentle reader,
+
+If an Irishman were asked what a preface was, he would,
+without hesitation reply, that it was the last chapter
+of a book, and we should unquestionably pronounce that
+answer to be a bull; for how can prefatory remarks be
+valedictory ones? A few moments' consideration, however,
+would induce us to withdraw such a hasty opinion, and
+convince us that his idea is, after all, a correct one.
+It is almost always the part that is last written, and
+_we_ perpetrate the bull, by placing it at the beginning
+instead of the end of the book, and denominating our
+parting words introductory remarks.
+
+The result of our arrangement is, that nobody reads it.
+The public do not want to hear an apology or explanation,
+until it first ascertains, whether the one can be accepted,
+or the other is required. This contemptuous neglect
+arises from two causes, first because it is out of place,
+and secondly because it too often contains a great deal
+of twaddle. Unfortunately, one half of what is said in
+this world is unmeaning compliment. A man who wishes to
+mark his respect for you, among other inconvenient methods
+of shewing it, offers to accompany you to the Hall. You
+are in consequence arrested in your progress. You are
+compelled to turn on your pursuer, and entreat him not
+to come to the door. After a good deal of lost time he
+is prevailed upon to return. This is not fair. Every man
+should be suffered to depart in peace.
+
+Now, it is my intention to adopt the Irish definition.
+The word preface is a misnomer. What I have to say I
+shall put into my last chapter, and assign to it its
+proper place. I shall also adopt another improvement, on
+the usual practice. I shall make it as short as possible,
+and speak to the point.
+
+My intention then, gentle reader, was when I commenced
+this work, to write but one volume, and at some future
+time to publish a second. The materials, however, were
+so abundant, that selection became very difficult, and
+compression much more so. To touch as many topics as I
+designed, I was compelled to extend it to its present
+size, and I still feel that the work is only half done.
+Whether I shall ever be able to supply this deficiency
+I cannot say. I do not doubt your kind reception; I have
+experienced too much indulgence and favour at your hands,
+to suppose that you will withdraw it from one whom you
+have honoured with repeated marks of approbation; but I
+entertain some fears that I shall not be able to obtain
+the time that is necessary for its completion, and that
+if I can command the leisure, my health will insist on
+a prior claim to its disposal.
+
+If, however, I shall be enabled so to do, it is my
+intention, hereafter to add another series of the Sayings
+and Doings of the Attache, so as to make the work as
+complete as possible.
+
+I am quite confident it is not necessary to add, that
+the sentiments uttered by Mr. Slick, are not designed
+either as an expression of those of the author, or of
+the Americans who visit this country. With respect to
+myself no disavowal is necessary; but I feel it due to
+my American friends, for whose kindness I can never be
+sufficiently grateful, and whose good opinion I value
+too highly to jeopardise it by any misapprehension, to
+state distinctly, that I have not the most remote idea
+of putting Mr. Slick forward, as a representative of any
+opinions, but his own individual ones. They are peculiar
+to himself. They naturally result from his
+shrewdness--knowledge of human nature--quickness of
+perception and appreciation of the ridiculous on the one
+hand; and on the other from his defective education,
+ignorance of the usages of society, and sudden elevation,
+from the lower walks of life, to a station for which he
+was wholly unqualified.
+
+I have endeavoured, as far as it was possible, in a work
+of this kind, to avoid all personal allusions to _private_
+persons, or in any way to refer to scenes that may he
+supposed to have such a hearing. Should any one imagine
+that he can trace any resemblance, to any private occurrence
+I can only assure him that such resemblance is quite
+accidental.
+
+On the other hand, I have lost no opportunity of inculcating
+what I conceive to be good sound constitutional doctrines.
+Loyal myself, a great admirer of the monarchical form of
+government; attached to British Institutions, and a
+devoted advocate for the permanent connexion between the
+parent State, and its transatlantic possessions, I have
+not hesitated to give utterance to these opinions. Born
+a Colonist, it is natural I should have the feelings of
+one, and if I have obtruded local matters on the notice
+of the reader oftener than may be thought necessary, it
+must be remembered that an inhabitant of those distant
+countries has seldom an opportunity of being heard. I
+should feel, therefore, if I were to pass over in silence
+our claims or our interests, I was affording the best
+justification for that neglect, which for the last half
+century, has cramped our energies, paralized our efforts,
+and discouraged and disheartened ourselves. England is
+liberal in concessions, and munificent in her pecuniary
+grants to us; but is so much engrossed with domestic
+politics, that she will bestow upon us neither time nor
+consideration.
+
+It has been my object, therefore, to convey to the public
+some important truths, under a humorous cover, which,
+without the amusement afforded by the wrapper would never
+be even looked at.
+
+This portion of the work requires no apology. To do as
+I have done, is a duty incumbent on any person who has
+the means of doing good, afforded him by such an extensive
+circulation of his works, as I have been honoured with.
+
+I have already expressed some doubts whether I shall be
+enabled to furnish a second series of this work or not.
+In this uncertainty, I will not omit this, perhaps my
+only opportunity, of making my most grateful
+acknowledgments, for the very great measure of indulgence
+I have received, from the public on both sides of the
+Atlantic, and of expressing a hope that Mr. Slick, who
+has been so popular as a Clockmaker may prove himself
+equally deserving of favour as "an Attache."
+
+I have the honour to subscribe myself,
+
+Your most obedient servant,
+
+THE AUTHOR.
+
+London, July 1st., 1843.
+
+
+
+
+THE END.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Attache; or, Sam Slick in England
+(V2), by Thomas Chandler Haliburton
+
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