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diff --git a/7822.txt b/7822.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..804c9af --- /dev/null +++ b/7822.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5004 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Attache, by Thomas Chandler Haliburton + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Attache + or, Sam Slick in England, Volume 2 + +Author: Thomas Chandler Haliburton + +Release Date: April, 2005 [EBook #7822] +Posting Date: July 23, 2009 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE ATTACHE *** + + + + +Produced by Gardner Buchanan + + + + + +THE ATTACHE + +or, SAM SLICK IN ENGLAND, Volume 2 + +By Thomas Chandler Haliburton + + +(Greek Text)--GREEK PROVERB. + +Tell you what, report my speeches if you like, but if you put my talk +in, I'll give you the mitten, as sure as you are born.--SLICKVILLE +TRANSLATION + + + +London, July 3rd, 1843. + +MY DEAR HOPKINSON, + +I have spent so many agreeable hours at Edgeworth heretofore, that my +first visit on leaving London, will be to your hospitable mansion. In +the meantime, I beg leave to introduce to you my "Attache," who will +precede me several days. His politics are similar to your own; I wish I +could say as much in favour of his humour. His eccentricities will stand +in need of your indulgence; but if you can overlook these, I am not +without hopes that his originality, quaint sayings, and queer views of +things in England, will afford you some amusement. At all events, I feel +assured you will receive him kindly; if not for his own merits, at least +for the sake of + +Yours always, + +THE AUTHOR. + +To EDMUND HOPKINSON ESQ. Edgeworth, Gloucestershire. + + + CONTENTS OF THE SECOND VOLUME. + + CHAPTER I. THE NOSE OF A SPY + CHAPTER II. THE PATRON; OR, THE COW'S TAIL + CHAPTER III. ASCOT RACES + CHAPTER IV. THE GANDER PULLING + CHAPTER V. THE BLACK STOLE + CHAPTER VI. THE PRINCE DE JOINVILLE'S HORSE + CHAPTER VII. LIFE IN THE COUNTRY + CHAPTER VIII. BUNKUM + CHAPTER IX. THROWING THE LAVENDER + CHAPTER X. AIMING HIGH + CHAPTER XI. A SWOI-REE + CHAPTER XII. TATTERSALL'S + CHAPTER XIII. LOOKING BACK + CHAPTER XIV. CROSSING THE BORDER + CHAPTER XV. THE IRISH PREFACE + + + + +THE ATTACHE; OR SAM SLICK IN ENGLAND. + + + + +THE SECOND VOLUME. + + + + +CHAPTER I. THE NOSE OF A SPY + +"Squire." said Mr. Hopewell, "you know Sam well enough, I hope, to make +all due allowances for the exuberance of his fancy. The sketch he has +just given you of London society, like the novels of the present +day, though founded on fact, is very unlike the reality. There may be +assemblages of persons in this great city, and no doubt there are, quite +as insipid and absurd as the one he has just pourtrayed; but you must +not suppose it is at all a fair specimen of the society of this place. +My own experience is quite the reverse. I think it the most refined, +the most agreeable, and the most instructive in the world. Whatever +your favourite study or pursuit may be, here you are sure to find +well-informed and enthusiastic associates. If you have merit, it is +appreciated; and for an aristocratic country, that merit places you on +a level with your superiors in rank in a manner that is quite +incomprehensible to a republican. Money is the great leveller of +distinctions with us; here, it is talent. Fashion spreads many tables +here, but talent is always found seated at the best, if it thinks proper +to comply with certain usages, without which, even genius ceases to be +attractive. + +"On some future occasion, I will enter more at large on this subject; +but now it is too late; I have already exceeded my usual hour for +retiring. 'Excuse me, Sam,' said he. 'I know you will not be offended +with me, but Squire there are some subjects on which Sam may amuse, but +cannot instruct you, and one is, fashionable life in London. You must +judge for yourself, Sir. Good night, my children.'" + +Mr. Slick rose, and opened the door for him, and as he passed, bowed and +held out his hand. "Remember me, your honour, no man opens the door in +this country without being paid for it. Remember me, Sir." + +"True, Sam," said the Minister, "and it is unlucky that it does not +extend to opening the mouth, if it did, you would soon make your +fortune, for you can't keep yours shut. Good night." + +The society to which I have subsequently had the good fortune to be +admitted, fully justifies the eulogium of Mr. Hopewell. Though many +persons can write well, few can talk well; but the number of those who +excel in conversation is much greater in certain circles in London, than +in any other place. By talking well, I do not mean talking wisely or +learnedly; but agreeably, for relaxation and pleasure, are the principal +objects of social assemblies. This can only be illustrated by instancing +some very remarkable persons, who are the pride and pleasure of every +table they honour and delight with their presence But this may not be. +For obvious reasons, I could not do it if I would; and most assuredly, +I would not do it if I could. No more certain mode could be devised +of destroying conversation, than by showing, that when the citadel is +unguarded, the approach of a friend is as unsafe as that of an enemy. + +Alas! poor Hook! who can read the unkind notice of thee in a late +periodical, and not feel, that on some occasions you must have admitted +to your confidence men who were as unworthy of that distinction as, they +were incapable of appreciating it, and that they who will disregard the +privileges of a table, will not hesitate to violate even the sanctity +of the tomb. Cant may talk of your "_inter pocula_" errors with pious +horror; and pretension, now that its indulgence is safe, may affect to +disclaim your acquaintance; but kinder, and better, and truer men than +those who furnished your biographer with his facts will not fail to +recollect your talents with pride, and your wit and your humour with +wonder and delight. + +We do not require such flagrant examples as these to teach us our duty, +but they are not without their use in increasing our caution. + +When Mr. Hopewell withdrew, Mr. Slick observed: + +"Ain't that ere old man a trump? He is always in the right place. +Whenever you want to find him, jist go and look for him where he +ought to be, and there you will find him as sure as there is snakes in +Varginy. He is a brick, that's a fact. Still, for all that, he ain't +jist altogether a citizen of this world nother. He fishes in deep water, +with a sinker to his hook. He can't throw a fly as I can, reel out his +line, run down stream, and then wind up, wind up, wind up, and let out, +and wind up again, till he lands his fish, as I do. He looks deep into +things, is a better religionist, polititioner, and bookster than I be: +but then that's all he does know. If you want to find your way about, or +read a man, come to me, that's all; for I'm the boy that jist can do +it. If I can't walk into a man, I can dodge round him; and if he is too +nimble for that, I can jump over him; and if he is too tall for that, +although I don't like the play, yet I can whip him. + +"Now, Squire, I have been a good deal to England, and crossed this big +pond here the matter of seven times, and know a good deal about it, more +than a great many folks that have writtin' books on it, p'raps. Mind +what I tell you, the English ain't what they was. I'm not speakin' in +jeest now, or in prejudice. I hante a grain of prejudice in me. I've +see'd too much of the world for that I reckon. I call myself a candid +man, and I tell you the English are no more like what the English used +to be, when pigs were swine, and Turkey chewed tobacky, than they are +like the Picts or Scots, or Norman, French, or Saxons, or nothin'." + +"Not what they used to be?" I said. "Pray, what do you mean?" + +"I mean," said he, "jist what I say. They ain't the same people no +more. They are as proud, and overbearin', and concaited, and haughty +to foreigners as ever; but, then they ain't so manly, open-hearted, and +noble as they used to be, once upon a time. They have the Spy System +now, in full operation here; so jist take my advice, and mind your +potatoe-trap, or you will be in trouble afore you are ten days older, +see if you ain't." + +"The Spy System!" I replied. "Good Heavens, Mr. Slick, how can you talk +such nonsense, and yet have the modesty to say you have no prejudice?" + +"Yes, the Spy System," said he, "and I'll prove it. You know Dr. +Mc'Dougall to Nova Scotia; well, he knows all about mineralogy, and +geology, and astrology, and every thing a'most, except what he ought to +know, and that is dollar-ology. For he ain't over and above half well +off, that's a fact. Well, a critter of the name of Oatmeal, down to +Pictou, said to another Scotchman there one day, 'The great nateralist +Dr. Mc'Dougall is come to town.' + +"'Who?' says Sawney. + +"'Dr. Mc'Dougall, the nateralist,' says Oatmeal. + +"'Hout, mon,' says Sawney, 'he is nae nateral, that chiel; he kens mair +than maist men; he is nae that fool you take him to be.' + +"Now, I am not such a fool as you take _me_ to be, Squire. Whenever I +did a sum to, school, Minister used to say, 'Prove it, Sam, and if it +won't prove, do it over agin, till it will; a sum ain't right when it +won't prove.' Now, I say the English have the Spy System, and I'll prove +it; nay, more than that, they have the nastiest, dirtiest, meanest, +sneakenest system in the world. It is ten times as bad as the French +plan. In France they have bar-keepers, waiters, chamber galls, guides, +quotillions,--" + +"Postilions, you mean," I said. + +"Well, postilions then, for the French have queer names for people, +that's a fact; disbanded sodgers, and such trash, for spies. In England +they have airls and countesses, Parliament men, and them that call +themselves gentlemen and ladies, for spies." + +"How very absurd!" I said. + +"Oh yes, very absurd," said Mr. Slick; "whenever I say anythin' agin +England, it's very absurd, it's all prejudice. Nothin' is strange, +though, when it is said of us, and the absurder it is, the truer it is. +I can bam as well as any man when bam is the word, but when fact is the +play, I am right up and down, and true as a trivet. I won't deceive you; +I'll prove it. + +"There was a Kurnel Dun--dun--plague take his name, I can't recollect +it, but it makes no odds--I know _he_ is Dun for, though, that's a fact. +Well, he was a British kurnel, that was out to Halifax when I was there. +I know'd him by sight, I didn't know him by talk, for I didn't fill then +the dignified situation I now do, of Attache. I was only a clockmaker +then, and I suppose he wouldn't have dirtied the tip eend of his white +glove with me then, any more than I would sile mine with him now, and +very expensive and troublesome things them white gloves be too; there is +no keepin' of them clean. For my part, I don't see why a man can't make +his own skin as clean as a kid's, any time; and if a feller can't be let +shake hands with a gall except he has a glove on, why ain't he made to +cover his lips, and kiss thro' kid skin too. + +"But to get back to the kurnel, and it's a pity he hadn't had a glove +over his mouth, that's a fact. Well, he went home to England with his +regiment, and one night when he was dinin' among some first chop men, +nobles and so on, they sot up considerable late over their claret; and +poor thin cold stuff it is too, is claret. A man _may_ get drowned in +it, but how the plague he can get drunk with it is dark to me. It's like +every thing else French, it has no substance in it; it's nothin' but red +ink, that's a fact. Well, how it was I don't know, but so it eventuated, +that about daylight he was mops and brooms, and began to talk somethin' +or another he hadn't ought to; somethin' he didn't know himself, and +somethin' he didn't mean, and didn't remember. + +"Faith, next mornin' he was booked; and the first thing he see'd when he +waked was another man a tryin' on of his shoes, to see how they'd fit to +march to the head of his regiment with. Fact, I assure you, and a fact +too that shows what Englishmen has come to; I despise 'em, I hate 'em, I +scorn such critters as I do oncarcumcised niggers." + +"What a strange perversion of facts," I replied. + +But he would admit of no explanation. "Oh yes, quite parvarted; not a +word of truth in it; there never is when England is consarned. There is +no beam in an Englishman's eye; no not a smell of one; he has pulled it +out long ago; that's the reason he can see the mote in other folks's +so plain. Oh, of course it ain't true; it's a Yankee invention; it's a +hickory ham and a wooden nutmeg. + +"Well, then, there was another feller got bagged t'other day, as +innocent as could be, for givin' his opinion when folks was a talkin' +about matters and things in gineral, and this here one in partikilar. I +can't tell the words, for I don't know 'em, nor care about 'em; and if I +did, I couldn't carry 'em about so long; but it was for sayin' it +hadn't ought to have been taken notice of, considerin' it jist popt out +permiscuous like with the bottle-cork. If he hadn't a had the clear +grit in him, and showed teeth and claws, they'd a nullified him so, you +wouldn't have see'd a grease spot of him no more. What do you call that, +now? Do you call that liberty? Do you call that old English? Do you call +it pretty, say now? Thank God, it tante Yankee." + +"I see you have no prejudice, Mr. Slick," I replied. + +"Not one mite or morsel," he replied. "Tho' I was born in Connecticut, I +have travelled all over the thirteen united univarsal worlds of ourn and +am a citizen at large. No, I have no prejudice. You say I am mistaken; +p'raps I am, I hope I be, and a stranger may get hold of the wrong eend +of a thing sometimes, that's a fact. But I don't think I be wrong, or +else the papers don't tell the truth; and I read it in all the jarnals; +I did, upon my soul. Why man, it's history now, if such nasty mean doins +is worth puttin' into a book. + +"What makes this Spy System to England wuss, is that these +eaves-droppers are obliged to hear all that's said, or lose what +commission they hold; at least so folks tell me. I recollect when I was +there last, for it's some years since Government first sot up the Spy +System; there was a great feed given to a Mr. Robe, or Robie, or some +such name, an out and out Tory. Well, sunthin' or another was said over +their cups, that might as well have been let alone, I do suppose, tho' +dear me, what is the use of wine but to onloosen the tongue, and what +is the use of the tongue, but to talk. Oh, cuss 'em, I have no patience +with them. Well, there was an officer of a marchin' regiment there, who +it seems ought to have took down the words and sent 'em up to the head +Gineral, but he was a knowin' coon, was officer, and _didn't hear it_. +No sooner said than done; some one else did the dirty work for him; but +you can't have a substitute for this, you must sarve in person, so the +old Gineral hawls him right up for it. + +"'Why the plague, didn't you make a fuss?' sais the General, 'why didn't +you get right up, and break up the party?' + +"'I didn't hear it,' sais he. + +"'You didn't hear it!' sais Old Sword-belt, 'then you had ought to have +heerd it; and for two pins, I'd sharpen your hearin' for you, so that a +snore of a fly would wake you up, as if a byler had bust.' + +"Oh, how it has lowered the English in the eyes of foreigners! How +sneakin' it makes 'em look! They seem for all the world like scared +dogs; and a dog when he slopes off with his head down, his tail atween +his legs, and his back so mean it won't bristle, is a caution to +sinners. Lord. I wish I was Queen!" + +"What, of such a degraded race as you say the English are, of such a +mean-spirited, sneaking nation?" + +"Well, they warn't always so," he replied. "I will say that, for I +have no prejudice. By natur, there is sunthin' noble and manly in a +Britisher, and always was, till this cussed Spy System got into fashion. +They tell me it was the Liberals first brought it into vogue. How that +is. I don't know; but I shouldn't wonder if it was them, for I know +this, if a feller talks _very_ liberal in politics, put him into office, +and see what a tyrant he'll make. If he talks very liberal in religion, +it's because he hante got none at all. If he talks very liberal to the +poor, talk is all the poor will ever get out of him. If he talks liberal +about corn law, it tante to feed the hungry, but to lower wages, and +so on in every thing a most. None is so liberal as those as hante got +nothin'. The most liberal feller I know on is "Old Scratch himself." If +ever the liberals come in, they should make him Prime Minister. He is +very liberal in religion and would jine them in excludin' the Bible from +common schools I know. He is very liberal about the criminal code, for +he can't bear to see criminals punished. He is very liberal in politics, +for he don't approbate restraint, and likes to let every critter 'go +to the devil' his own way. Oh, he should be Head Spy and Prime Minister +that feller. + +"But without jokin' tho', if I was Queen, the fust time any o' my +ministers came to me to report what the spies had said, I'd jist up and +say, 'Minister,' I'd say, 'it is a cussed oninglish, onmanly, niggerly +business, is this of pumpin', and spyin', and tattlin'. I don't like it +a bit. I'll have neither art nor part in it; I wash my hands clear of +it. It will jist break the spirit of my people. So, minister look here. +The next report that is brought to me of a spy, I'll whip his tongue out +and whop your ear off, or my name ain't Queen. So jist mind what I say; +first spy pokes his nose into your office, chop it off and clap it up +over Temple Bar, where they puts the heads of traitors and write these +words over, with your own fist, that they may know the handwritin', and +not mistake the meanin', _This is the nose of a Spy_." + + + + +CHAPTER II. THE PATRON; OR, THE COW'S TAIL. + +Nothing is so fatiguing as sight-seeing. The number and variety of +objects to which your attention is called, and the rapid succession in +which they pass in review, at once wearies and perplexes the mind; and +unless you take notes to refresh your memory, you are apt to find you +carry away with you but an imperfect and indistinct recollection. + +Yesterday was devoted to an inspection of the Tunnel and an +examination of the Tower, two things that ought always to be viewed +in juxta-position; one being the greatest evidence of the science and +wealth of modern times; and the other of the power and pomp of our +forefathers. + +It is a long time before a stranger can fully appreciate the extent +of population and wealth of this vast metropolis. At first, he is +astonished and confused; his vision is indistinct. By degrees he begins +to understand its localities, the ground plan becomes intelligible and +he can take it all in at a view. The map is a large one; it is a chart +of the world. He knows the capes and the bays; he has sailed round them, +and knows their relative distance, and at last becomes aware of the +magnitude of the whole. Object after object becomes more familiar. He +can estimate the population; he compares the amount of it with that +of countries that he is acquainted with, and finds that this one town +contains within it nearly as great a number of souls as all British +North America. He estimates the incomes of the inhabitants, and finds +figures almost inadequate to express the amount. He asks for the +sources from whence it is derived. He resorts to his maxims of political +economy, and they cannot inform him. He calculates the number of acres +of land in England, adds up the rental, and is again at fault. He +inquires into the statistics of the Exchange, and discovers that even +that is inadequate; and, as a last resource, concludes that the whole +world is tributary to this Queen of Cities. It is the heart of the +Universe. All the circulation centres here, and hence are derived all +those streams that give life and strength to the extremities. How vast, +how populous, how rich, how well regulated, how well supplied, how +clean, how well ventilated, how healthy!--what a splendid city! How +worthy of such an empire and such a people! + +What is the result of his experience? _It is, that there is no such +country in the world as England, and no such place in England as London; +that London is better than any other town in winter, and quite as good +as any other place in summer; that containing not only all that he +requires, but all that he can wish, in the greatest perfection, he +desires never to leave it._ + +Local description, however, is not my object; I shall therefore, return +to my narrative. + +Our examination of the Tower and the Tunnel occupied the whole day, and +though much gratified, we were no less fatigued. On returning to our +lodgings, I found letters from Nova Scotia. Among others, was one +from the widow of an old friend, enclosing a memorial to the +Commander-in-Chief, setting forth the important and gratuitous services +of her late husband to the local government of the province, and +soliciting for her son some small situation in the ordnance department, +which had just fallen vacant at Halifax. I knew that it was not only +out of my power to aid her, but that it was impossible for her, however +strong the claims of her husband might be, to obtain her request. These +things are required for friends and dependants in England; and in the +race of competition, what chance of success has a colonist? + +I made up my mind at once to forward her memorial as requested, but +pondered on the propriety of adding to it a recommendation. It could do +no good. At most, it would only be the certificate of an unknown man; of +one who had neither of the two great qualifications, namely, county or +parliamentary interest, but it might do harm. It might, by engendering +ridicule from the insolence of office, weaken a claim, otherwise well +founded. "Who the devil is this Mr. Thomas Poker, that recommends the +prayer of the petition? The fellow imagines all the world must have +heard of him. A droll fellow that, I take it from his name: but all +colonists are queer fellows, eh?" + +"Bad news from home?" said Mr. Slick, who had noticed my abstraction. +"No screw loose there, I hope. You don't look as if you liked the +flavour of that ere nut you are crackin' of. Whose dead? and what is to +pay now?" + +I read the letter and the memorial, and then explained from my own +knowledge how numerous and how valuable were the services of my +deceased friend, and expressed my regret at not being able to serve the +memorialist. + +"Poor woman!" said Mr. Hopewell, "I pity her. A colonist has no chance +for these things; they have no patron. In this country merit will always +obtain a patron--in the provinces never. The English are a noble-minded, +generous people, and whoever here deserves encouragement or reward, +is certain to obtain either or both: but it must be a brilliant man, +indeed, whose light can be perceived across the Atlantic." + +"I entertain, Sir," I said, "a very strong prejudice against relying +on patrons. Dr. Johnson, after a long and fruitless attendance on Lord +Chesterfield, says: 'Seven years, my Lord, have now past, since I waited +in your outward rooms, or was repulsed from your door; during which time +I have been pushing on my work, through difficulties, of which it +is useless to complain, and have brought it at last to the verge of +publication, without one act of assistance, one word of encouragement, +or one smile of favour. Such treatment I did not expect, for I never bad +a patron before." + +"Ah!" said Mr. Hopewell, "a man who feels that he is wrong, is always +angry with somebody else. Dr. Johnson, is not so much to be admired +for the independence that dictated that letter, as condemned for the +meanness and servility of seven years of voluntary degradation. It is no +wonder he spoke with bitterness; for, while he censured his Lordship, +he must have despised himself. There is a great difference between a +literary and a political patron. The former is not needed, and a man +does better without one; the latter is essential. A good book, like +good wine, needs no bush; but to get an office, you want merits or +patrons;--merits so great, that they cannot be passed over, or friends +so powerful, they cannot be refused." + +"Oh! you can't do nothin', Squire," said Mr. Sick, "send it back to Old +Marm; tell her you have the misfortin to be a colonist; that if her son +would like to be a constable, or a Hogreave, or a thistle-viewer, or +sunthin' or another of that kind, you are her man: but she has got the +wrong cow by the tail this time. I never hear of a patron, I don't think +of a frolic I once had with a cow's tail; and, by hanging on to it like +a snappin' turtle, I jist saved my life, that's a fact. + +"Tell you what it is, Squire, take a fool's advice, for once. Here you +are; I have made you considerable well-known, that's a fact; and will +introduce you to court, to king and queen, or any body you please. For +our legation, though they can't dance, p'raps, as well as the French one +can, could set all Europe a dancin' in wide awake airnest, if it chose. +They darsent refuse us nothin', or we would fust embargo, and then go +to war. Any one you want to know, I'll give you the ticket. Look round, +select a good critter, and hold on to the tail, for dear life, and see +if you hante a patron, worth havin'. You don't want none yourself, but +you might want one some time or another, for them that's a comin' arter +you. + +"When I was a half grow'd lad, the bears came down from Nor-West one +year in droves, as a body might say, and our woods near Slickville was +jist full of 'em. It warn't safe to go a-wanderin' about there a-doin' +of nothin', I tell _you_. Well, one arternoon, father sends me into the +back pastur', to bring home the cows, 'And,' says he, 'keep a stirrin', +Sam, go ahead right away, and be out of the bushes afore sun-set, on +account of the bears, for that's about the varmints' supper-time.' + +"Well, I looks to the sky, and I sees it was a considerable of a piece +yet to daylight down, so I begins to pick strawberries as I goes along, +and you never see any thing so thick as they were, and wherever +the grass was long, they'd stand up like a little bush, and hang in +clusters, most as big and twice as good, to my likin', as garden ones. +Well, the sun, it appears to me, is like a hoss, when it comes near dark +it mends its pace, and gets on like smoke, so afore I know'd where I +was, twilight had come peepin' over the spruce tops. + +"Off I sot, hot foot, into the bushes, arter the cows, and as always +eventuates when you are in a hurry, they was further back than common +that time, away ever so fur back to a brook, clean off to the rear of +the farm, so that day was gone afore I got out of the woods, and I got +proper frightened. Every noise I heerd I thought it was a bear, and when +I looked round a one side, I guessed I heerd one on the other, and I +hardly turned to look there before, I reckoned it was behind me, I was +e'en a'most skeered to death. + +"Thinks I, 'I shall never be able to keep up to the cows if a bear comes +arter 'em and chases 'em, and if I fall astarn, he'll just snap up a +plump little corn fed feller like me in less than half no time. Cryin',' +says I, 'though, will do no good. You must be up and doin', Sam, or it's +gone goose with you.' + +"So a thought struck me. Father had always been a-talkin' to me about +the leadin' men, and makin' acquaintance with the political big bugs +when I growed up and havin' a patron, and so on. Thinks I, I'll take +the leadin' cow for my patron. So I jist goes and cuts a long tough ash +saplin, and takes the little limbs off of it, and then walks along side +of Mooley, as meachin' as you please, so she mightn't suspect nothin', +and then grabs right hold of her tail, and yelled and screamed like mad, +and wallopped away at her like any thing. + +"Well, the way she cut dirt was cautionary; she cleared stumps, ditches, +windfalls and every thing, and made a straight track of it for home as +the crow flies. Oh, she was a dipper: she fairly flow again, and if ever +she flagged, I laid it into her with the ash saplin, and away we started +agin, as if Old Nick himself was arter us. + +"But afore I reached home, the rest of the cows came a bellowin', and a +roarin' and a-racin' like mad arter us, and gained on us too, so as most +to overtake us, jist as I come to the bars of the cow yard, over went +Mooler, like a fox, brought me whap up agin 'em, which knocked all the +wind out of my lungs and the fire out of my eyes, and laid me sprawlin +on the ground, and every one of the flock went right slap over me, all +but one--poor Brindle. She never came home agin. Bear nabbed her, and +tore her most ridiculous. He eat what he wanted, which was no trifle, I +can tell you, and left the rest till next time. + +"Don't talk to me, Squire, about merits. We all want a lift in this +world; sunthin' or another to lay hold on, to help us along--_we want +the cow's tail_. + +"Tell your friend, the female widder, she has got hold of the wrong cow +by the tail in gettin' hold of you, for you are nothin' but a despisable +colonist; but to look out for some patron here, some leadin' man, or +great lord, to clinch fast hold of him, and stick to him like a leach, +and if he flags, (for patrons, like old Mooley, get tired sometimes), to +recollect the ash saplin, to lay into him well, and keep him at it, and +no fear but he'll carry her through. He'll fetch her home safe at last, +and no mistake, depend on it, Squire. The best lesson that little boy +could be taught, is, that of _the Patron, or the Cows Tail_." + + + + +CHAPTER III. ASCOT RACES. + +To-day I visited Ascot. Race-courses are similar every where, and +present the same objects; good horses, cruel riders, knowing men, dupes, +jockeys, gamblers, and a large assemblage of mixed company. But this +is a gayer scene than most others; and every epithet, appropriate to a +course, diminutive or otherwise, must be in the superlative degree when +applied to Ascot. This is the general, and often the only impression +that most men carry away with them. + +Mr. Slick, who regards these things practically, called my attention to +another view of it. + +"Squire," said he, "I'd a plaguy sight sooner see Ascot than any thing +else to England. There ain't nothin' like it. I don't mean the racin', +because they can't go ahead like us, if they was to die for it. We have +colts that can whip chain lightnin', on a pinch. Old Clay trotted with +it once all round an orchard, and beat it his whole length, but it +singed his tail properly as he passed it, you may depend. It ain't its +runnin' I speak of, therefore, though that ain't mean nother; but it's +got another featur', that you'll know it by from all others. Oh it's an +everlastin' pity you warn't here, when I was to England last time. Queen +was there then; and where she is, of coarse all the world and its wife +is too. She warn't there this year, and it sarves folks right. If I was +an angelyferous queen, like her, I wouldn't go nowhere till I had a +tory minister, and then a feller that had a "trigger-eye" would stand +a chance to get a white hemp-neckcloth. I don't wonder Hume don't like +young England; for when that boy grows up, he'll teach some folks that +they had better let some folks alone, or some folks had better take care +of some folks' ampersands that's all. + +"The time I speak of, people went in their carriages, and not by +railroad. Now, pr'aps you don't know, in fact you can't know, for you +can't cypher, colonists ain't no good at figurs, but if you did know, +the way to judge of a nation is by its private carriages. From Hyde Park +corner to Ascot Heath, is twenty odd miles. Well, there was one whole +endurin' stream of carriages all the way, sometimes havin' one or two +eddies, and where the toll-gates stood, havin' still water for ever so +far. Well, it flowed and flowed on for hours and hours without stoppin', +like a river; and when you got up to the race-ground, there was the +matter of two or three tiers of carriages, with the hosses off, packed +as close as pins in a paper. + +"It costs near hand to twelve hundred dollars a-year to keep up a +carriage here. Now for goodness' sake jist multiply that everlastin' +string of carriages by three hundred pounds each, and see what's spent +in that way every year, and then multiply that by ten hundred thousand +more that's in other places to England you don't see, and then tell me +if rich people here ain't as thick as huckleberries." + +"Well, when you've done, go to France, to Belgium, and to Prussia, three +sizeable places for Europe, and rake and scrape every private carriage +they've got, and they ain't no touch to what Ascot can show. Well, when +you've done your cypherin', come right back to London, as hard as you +can clip from the race-course, and you won't miss any of 'em; the town +is as full as ever, to your eyes. A knowin' old coon, bred and born to +London, might, but you couldn't. + +"Arter that's over, go and pitch the whole bilin' of 'em into the +Thames, hosses, carriages, people, and all; and next day, if it warn't +for the black weepers and long faces of them that's lost money by it, +and the black crape and happy faces of them that's got money, or +titles, or what not by it, you wouldn't know nothin' about it. Carriages +wouldn't rise ten cents in the pound in the market. A stranger, like +you, if you warn't told, wouldn't know nothin' was the matter above +common. There ain't nothin' to England shows its wealth like this. + +"Says father to me when I came back, 'Sam,' sais he, 'what struck you +most?' + +"'Ascot Races,' sais I. + +"'Jist like you,' sais he. 'Hosses and galls is all you think of. +Wherever they be, there you are, that's a fact. You're a chip of the old +block, my boy. There ain't nothin' lake 'em; is there?' + +"Well, he was half right, was father. It's worth seein' for hosses and +galls too; but it's worth seein' for its carriage wealth alone. Heavens +and airth, what a rich country it must be that has such a show in that +line as England. Don't talk of stock, for it may fail; or silver-smiths' +shops, for you can't tell what's plated; or jewels, for they may be +paste; or goods, for they may be worth only half nothin'; but talk of +the carriages, them's the witnesses that don't lie. + +"And what do they say? 'Calcutta keeps me, and China keeps me, and +Bot'ney Bay keeps me, and Canada keeps me, and Nova Scotia keeps me, and +the whales keep me, and the white bears keep me, and every thing on the +airth keeps me, every thing under the airth keeps me. In short, all the +world keeps me.'" + +"No, not all the world, Sam," said Mr. Hopewell; "there are some +repudiative States that _don't keep me_; and if you go to the auction +rooms, you'll see some beautiful carriages for sale, that say, 'the +United States' Bank used to keep me,' and some more that say, 'Nick +Biddle put me down.'" + +"Minister, I won't stand that," said Mr. Slick. "I won't stay here and +hear you belittle Uncle Sam that way for nothin'. He ain't wuss than +John Bull, arter all. Ain't there no swindle-banks here? Jist tell me +that. Don't our liners fetch over, every trip, fellers that cut and run +from England, with their fobs filled with other men's money? Ain't +there lords in this country that know how to "repudiate" as well as +ring-tail-roarers in ourn. So come now, don't throw stones till you put +your window-shutters to, or you may stand a smart chance of gettin' your +own glass broke, that's a fact.' + +"And then, Squire, jist look at the carriages. I'll bet you a goose and +trimmin's you can't find their ditto nowhere. They _are_ carriages, and +no mistake, that's a fact. Look at the hosses, the harness, the paint, +the linin's, the well-dressed, lazy, idle, infarnal hansum servants, +(these rascals, I suspicion, are picked out for their looks), look at +the whole thing all through the piece, take it, by and large, stock, +lock, and barrel, and it's the dandy, that's a fact. Don't it cost +money, that's all? Sumtotalize it then, and see what it all comes to. +It would make your hair stand on eend, I know. If it was all put into +figure, it would reach clean across the river; and if it was all put +into dollars, it would make a solid tire of silver, and hoop the world +round and round, like a wheel. + +"If you want to give a man an idea of England, Squire, tell him of +Ascot; and if you want to cram him, get old Multiplication-table Joe H-- +to cast it up; for he'll make it come to twice as much as it railly is, +and that will choke him. Yes, Squire, _stick to Ascot_." + + + + +CHAPTER IV. THE GANDER PULLING. + +A cunning man is generally a suspicious one, and is as often led into +error himself by his own misconceptions, as protected from imposition by +his habitual caution. + +Mr. Slick, who always acted on a motive, and never on an impulse, and +who concealed his real objects behind ostensible ones, imagined that +everybody else was governed by the same principle of action; and, +therefore, frequently deceived himself by attributing designs to others +that never existed but in his own imagination. + +Whether the following story of the gander pulling was a fancy sketch of +the Attache, or a narrative of facts, _I_ had no means of ascertaining. +Strange interviews and queer conversations he constantly had with +official as well as private individuals, but as he often gave his +opinions the form of an anecdote, for the purpose of interesting his +hearers, it was not always easy to decide whether his stories were facts +or fictions. + +If, on the present occasion, it was of the latter description, it is +manifest that he entertained no very high opinion of the constitutional +changes effected in the government of the colonies by the Whigs, +during their long and perilous rule. If of the former kind, it is to +be lamented that he concealed his deliberate convictions under an +allegorical piece of humour. His disposition to "humbug" was so great, +it was difficult to obtain a plain straightforward reply from him; but +had the Secretary of State put the question to him in direct terms, what +he thought of Lord Durham's "Responsible government," and the +practical working of it under Lord Sydenham's and Sir Charles Bagot's +administration, he would have obtained a plain and intelligible answer. +If the interview to which he alludes ever did take place, (which I am +bound to add, is very doubtful, notwithstanding the minuteness with +which it is detailed), it is deeply to be regretted that he was not +addressed in that frank manner which could alone elicit his real +sentiments; for I know of no man so competent to offer an opinion on +these subjects as himself. + +To govern England successfully, it is necessary to know the temper of +Englishmen. Obvious as this appears to be, the frequent relinquishment +of government measures, by the dominant party, shows that their own +statesmen are sometimes deficient in this knowledge. + +Mr. Slick says, that if Sir James Graham had consulted him, _he_ could +have shown him how to carry the educational clauses of his favourite +bill This, perhaps, is rather an instance of Mr. Slick's vanity, than a +proof of his sagacity. But if this species of information is not easy of +attainment here, even by natives, how difficult must it be to govern a +people three thousand miles off, who differ most materially in thought, +word, and deed, from their official rulers. + +Mr. Slick, when we had not met during the day, generally visited me at +night, about the time I usually returned from a dinner-party, and amused +me by a recital of his adventures. + +"Squire," said he, "I have had a most curious capur to-day, and one that +will interest you, I guess. Jist as I was a settin' down to breakfast +this mornin', and was a turnin' of an egg inside out into a wine-glass, +to salt, pepper and batter it for Red-lane Alley, I received a note from +a Mister Pen, saying the Right Honourable Mr. Tact would be glad, if it +was convenient, if I would call down to his office, to Downin' Street, +to-day, at four o'clock. Thinks says I to myself, 'What's to pay now? Is +it the Boundary Line, or Creole Case, or Colonial Trade, or the Burnin' +of the Caroline, or Right o' Sarch? or what national subject is on the +carpet to-day? Howsundever,' sais I, 'let the charge be what it will, +slugs, rifle-bullets, or powder, go I must, that's a fact.' So I tips +him a shot right off; here's the draft, Sir; it's in reg'lar state +lingo. + + "Sir, + + "I have the high honour to acknowledge the receipt of + your letter of this present first of June instant and + note its contents. The conference (subject unknown), + proffered by the Right Honourable Mr. Tact, I accede + to hereby protesting and resarving all rights of + conformation and reniggin' of our Extraordinary + Embassador, now absent from London, at the great + agricultural meetin'. I would suggest, next time, it + would better convene to business, to insart subject + of discussion, to prevent being taken at a short. + + "I have to assure you of the high consideration of + your most obedient servant to command. + + "THE HON. SAM SLICK, + + "Attache". + +"Well, when the time comes, I rigs up, puts on the legation coat, calls +a cab, and downs to Downing Street, and looks as dignified as I cleverly +knew how. + +"When I enters the outer door, I sees a man in an arm-chair in the +entry, and he looked like a buster, I tell you, jist ready to blow up +with the steam of all the secrets he had in his byler. + +"'Can I see Mr. Tact?' sais I. + +"'Tell you directly,' sais he, jist short like; for Englishmen are +kinder costive of words; they don't use more nor will do, at no time; +and he rings a bell. This brings in his second in command; and sais he, +'Pray walk in here, if you please, Sir,' and he led me into a little +plain, stage-coach-house lookin' room, with nothin' but a table and two +or three chairs in it; and says he, 'Who shall I say, Sir?' + +"'The Honourable Mr. Slick,' sais I, 'Attache of the American Legation +to the court of Saint Jimses' Victoria.' + +"Off he sot; and there I waited and waited for ever so long, but he +didn't come back. Well, I walked to the winder and looked out, but there +was nothin' to see there; and then I turned and looked at a great big +map on the wall, and there was nothin' I didn't know there; and then +I took out my pen-knife to whittle, but my nails was all whittled off +already, except one, and that was made into a pen, and I didn't like to +spile that; and as there wasn't any thing I could get hold of, I jist +slivered a great big bit off the leg of the chair, and began to make +a toothpick of it. And when I had got that finished, I begins to get +tired; for nothin' makes me so peskilly oneasy as to be kept waitin'; +for if a Clockmaker don't know the valy of time, who the plague does? + +"So jist to pass it away, I began to hum 'Jim Brown.' Did you ever hear +it, Squire? it's a'most a beautiful air, as most all them nigger +songs are. I'll make you a varse, that will suit a despisable colonist +exactly. + + "I went up to London, the capital of the nation, + To see Lord Stanley, and get a sitivation. + Says he to me, 'Sam Slick, what can you do?' + Says I, 'Lord Stanley, jist as much as you. + Liberate the rebels, and 'mancipate the niggers. + Hurror for our side, and damn thimble-riggers. + +"Airth and seas! If you was to sing that 'ere song there, how it would +make 'em stare; wouldn't it? Such words as them was never heerd in that +patronage office, I guess; and yet folks must have often thort it too; +that's a fact. + +"I was a hummin' the rael 'Jim Brown,' and got as far as: + + Play upon the banjo, play upon the fiddle, + Walk about the town, and abuse old Biddle, + +when I stopped right in the middle of it, for it kinder sorter struck it +me warn't dignified to be a singin' of nigger-catches that way. So says +I to myself, 'This ain't respectful to our great nation to keep a high +functionary a waitin' arter this fashion, is it? Guess I'd better assart +the honour of our republic by goin' away; and let him see that it warn't +me that was his lackey last year.' + +"Well, jist as I had taken the sleeve of my coat and given my hat a +rub over with it, (a good hat will carry off an old suit of clothes any +time, but a new suit of clothes will never carry off an old hat, so I +likes to keep my hat in good order in a general way). Well, jist as I +had done, in walks the porter's first leftenant; and sais he, 'Mr. Tact +will see you, Sir.' + +"'He come plaguy near not seein' of me, then,' sais I; 'for I had jist +commenced makin' tracks as you come in. The next time he sends for me, +tell him not to send till he is ready, will you? For it's a rule o' mine +to tag arter no man.' + +"The critter jist stopped short, and began to see whether that spelt +treason or no. He never heerd freedom o' speech afore, that feller, I +guess, unless it was somebody a jawin' of him, up hill and down dale; so +sais I, 'Lead off, my old 'coon, and I will foller you, and no mistake, +if you blaze the line well.' + +"So he led me up stairs, opened a door, and 'nounced me; and there was +Mr. Tact, sittin' at a large table, all alone. + +"'How do you do, Mr. Slick,' says he. 'I am very glad to see you. Pray +be seated.' He really was a very gentlemanlike man, was Squire Tact, +that's a fact. Sorry I kept you waitin' so long,' sais he, 'but the +Turkish Ambassador was here at the time, and I was compelled to wait +until he went. I sent for you, Sir, a-hem!' and he rubbed his hand +acrost his mouth, and looked' up at the cornish, and said, 'I sent for +you, Sir, ahem!'--(thinks I, I see now. All you will say for half an +hour is only throw'd up for a brush fence, to lay down behind to take +aim through; and arter that, the first shot is the one that's aimed at +the bird), 'to explain to you about this African Slave Treaty,' said he. +'Your government don't seem to comprehend me in reference to this Right +of Sarch. Lookin' a man in the face, to see he is the right man, and +sarchin' his pockets, are two very different things. You take, don't +you?' + +"'I'm up to snuff, Sir,' sais I, 'and no mistake.' I know'd well enough +that warn't what he sent for me for, by the way he humm'd and hawed when +he began. + +"'Taking up a trunk, as every hotel-keeper does and has a right to +do, and examinin' the name on the brass plate to the eend on't, is one +thing; forcin' the lock and ransackin' the contents, is another. One is +precaution, the other is burglary.' + +"'It tante burglary,' sais I, 'unless the lodger sleeps in his trunk. +It's only--' + +"'Well,' says he, a colourin' up, 'that's technical. I leave these +matters to my law officers.' + +"I larnt that little matter of law from brother Eldad, the lawyer, but +I guess I was wrong there. I don't think I had ought to have given him +that sly poke; but I didn't like his talkin' that way to me. Whenever a +feller tries to pull the wool over your eyes, it's a sign he don't think +high of your onderstandin'. It isn't complimental, that's a fact. 'One +is a serious offence, I mean, sais he; 'the other is not. We don't want +to sarch; we only want to look a slaver in the face, and see whether +he is a free and enlightened American or not. If he is, the _flag of +liberty_ protects him and _his slaves_; if he ain't, it don't protect +him, nor them nother.' + +"Then he did a leadin' article on slavery, and a paragraph on +non-intervention, and spoke a little soft sawder about America, and +wound up by askin' me if he had made himself onderstood. + +"'Plain as a boot-jack,' sais I. + +"When that was over, he took breath. He sot back on his chair, put one +leg over the other, and took a fresh departur' agin. + +"'I have read your books, Mr. Slick,' said he, 'and read 'em, too, with +great pleasure. You have been a great traveller in your day. You've been +round the world a'most, haven't you?' + +"'Well,' sais I, 'I sharn't say I hante.' + +"'What a deal of information a man of your observation must have +acquired.' (He is a gentlemanly man, that you may depend. I don't know +when I've see'd one so well mannered.) + +"'Not so much, Sir, as you would suppose,' sais I. + +"'Why how so?' sais he. + +"'Why,' sais I, 'the first time a man goes round the world, he is plaguy +skeered for fear of fallin' off the edge; the second time he gets used +to it, and larns a good deal.' + +"'Fallin' off the edge!' sais he; 'what an original idea that is. That's +one of your best. I like your works for that they are original. We have +nothin' but imitations now. Fallin' off the the edge, that's capital. I +must tell Peel that; for he is very fond of that sort of thing.' + +"He was a very pretty spoken man, was Mr. Tact; he is quite the +gentleman, that's a fact. I love to hear him talk; he is so very +perlite, and seems to take a likin' to me parsonally." + +Few men are so open to flattery as Mr. Slick; and although "soft sawder" +is one of the artifices he constantly uses in his intercourse with +others, he is often thrown off of his guard by it himself. How much +easier it is to discover the weaknesses of others than to see our own! + +But to resume the story. + +"'You have been a good deal in the colonies, haven't you?' said he. + +"'Considerable sum,' sais I. Now, sais I to myself, this is the rael +object he sent for me for; but I won't tell him nothin'. If he'd a up +and askt me right off the reel, like a man, he'd a found me up to the +notch; but he thort to play me off. Now I'll sarve him out his own way; +so here goes. + +"'Your long acquaintance with the provinces, and familiar intercourse +with the people,' sais he, 'must have made you quite at home on all +colonial topics.' + +"'I thought so once,' sais I; 'but I don't think so now no more, Sir.' + +"'Why how is that?' sais he. + +"'Why, Sir,' sais I, 'you can hold a book so near your eyes as not to be +able to read a word of it; hold it off further, and get the right focus, +and you can read beautiful. Now the right distance to see a colony, and +know all about it, is England. Three thousand miles is the right focus +for a political spy-glass. A man livin' here, and who never was out of +England, knows twice as much about the provinces as I do.' + +"'Oh, you are joking,' sais he. + +"Not a bit,' sais I. 'I find folks here that not only know every thing +about them countries, but have no doubts upon any matter, and ask no +questions; in fact, they not only know more than me, but more than the +people themselves do, what they want. It's curious, but it's a fact. A +colonist is the most beautiful crittur in natur to try experiments on, +you ever see; for he is so simple and good-natured he don't know no +better; and so weak, he couldn't help himself if he did. There's great +fun in making these experiments, too. It puts me in mind of "Gander +Pulling;" you know what this is, don't you?' + +"'No,' he said. 'I never heard of it. Is it an American sport?' + +"'Yes,' sais I, 'it is; and the most excitin' thing, too, you ever see.' + +"'You are a very droll man. Mr Slick,' said he, 'a very droll man +indeed. In all your books there is a great deal of fun; but in all +your fun, there is a meanin'. Your jokes hit, and hit pretty hard, too, +sometimes. They make a man think as well as laugh. But, describe this +Gander Pulling.' + +"'Well, I'll tell you how it is,' sais I. 'First and foremost, a +ring-road is formed, like a small race-course; then, two great long +posts is fixed into the ground, one on each side of the road, and a rope +made fast by the eends to each post, leavin' the middle of the rope to +hang loose in a curve. Well, then they take a gander and pick his neck +as clean as a babby's, and then grease it most beautiful all the way +from the breast to the head, till it becomes as slippery as a soaped +eel. Then they tie both his legs together with a strong piece of cord, +of the size of a halyard, and hang him by the feet to the middle of the +swingin' rope, with his head downward. All the youngsters, all round the +county, come to see the sport, mounted a horseback. + +"'Well, the owner of the goose goes round with his hat, and gets so much +a-piece in it from every one that enters for the "Pullin';" and when all +have entered, they bring their hosses in a line, one arter another; and +at the words, 'Go ahead!' off they set, as hard as they can split; and +as they pass under the goose, make a grab at him; and whoever carries +off the head, wins. + +"'Well, the goose dodges his head and flaps his wings, and swings about +so, it ain't no easy matter to clutch his neck; and when you do, it's so +greasy, it slips right through the fingers, like, nothin'. Sometimes it +takes so long, that the hosses are fairly beat out, and can't scarcely +raise a gallop; and then a man stands by the post, with a heavy loaded +whip, to lash 'em on, so that they mayn't stand under the goose, which +ain't fair. The whoopin', and hollerin', and screamin', and bettin', +and excitement, beats all; there ain't hardly no sport equal to it. It's +great fun _to all except the poor goosey-gander_. + +"'The game of colony government to Canady, for some years back, puts me +in mind of that exactly. Colonist has had his heels put where his head +used to be, this some time past. He has had his legs tied, and his neck +properly greased, I tell _you_; and the way every parliament man, and +governor, and secretary, gallops round and round, one arter another, a +grabbin' at poor colonist, ain't no matter. Every new one on 'em that +comes, is confident he is a goin' to settle it; but it slips through his +hand, and off he goes, properly larfed at. + +"'They have pretty nearly fixed goosey colonist, though; he has got his +neck wrung several times; it's twisted all a one side, his tongue hangs +out, and he squeaks piteous, that's a fact. Another good grab or two +will put him out o' pain; and it's a pity it wouldn't, for no created +critter can live long, turned wrong eend up, that way. But the sport +will last long arter that; for arter his neck is broke, it ain't no easy +matter to get the head off; the cords that tie that on, are as thick +as your finger. It's the greatest fun out there you ever see, _to all +except poor goosey colonist_. + +"'I've larfed ready to kill myself at it. Some o' these Englishers that +come out, mounted for the sport, and expect a peerage as a reward for +bringin' home the head and settlin' the business for colonist, do cut +such figurs, it would make you split; and they are all so everlastin' +consaited, they won't take no advice. The way they can't do it is +cautionary. One gets throwed, another gets all covered with grease, a +third loses his hat, a fourth gets run away with by his horse, a fifth +sees he can't do it, makes some excuse, and leaves the ground afore the +sport is over; and now and then, an unfortunate critter gets a hyste +that breaks his own neck. There is only one on 'em that I have see'd out +there, that can do it right. + +"It requires some experience, that's a fact. But let John Bull alone for +that; he is a critter that thinks he knows every thing; and if you told +him he didn't, he wouldn't believe you, not he. He'd only pity your +ignorance, and look dreadful sorry for you. Oh if you want to see high +life, come and see "a colonial gander pulling." + +"'Tying up a goose, Sir, is no great harm,' sais I, 'seein' that a goose +was made to be killed, picked and devoured, and nothin' else. Tyin' up +a colonist by the heels is another thing. I don't think it right; but +I don't know nothin'; I've had the book too close to my eyes. Joe H--e, +that never was there, can tell you twice as much as I can about the +colonies. The focus to see right, as I said afore, is three thousand +miles off.' + +"'Well,' sais he, 'that's a capital illustration, Mr. Slick. There is +more in that than meets the ear. Don't tell me you don't know nothin' +about the colonies; few men know so much as you do. I wish to heavens +you was a colonist,' sais he; 'if you were, I would offer you a +government.' + +"'I don't doubt it,' sais I; 'seein' that your department have advanced +or rewarded so many colonists already.' But I don't think he heard that +shot, and I warn't sorry for it; for it's not right to be a pokin' it +into a perlite man, is it? + +"'I must tell the Queen that story of _the Gander Pulling_,' sais he; 'I +like it amazingly. It's a capital caricature. I'll send the idea to H. +B. Pray name some day when you are disengaged; I hope you will give me +the pleasure of dining with me. Will this day fortnight suit you?' + +"'Thank you,' sais I, 'I shall have great pleasure.' + +"He railly was a gentlemany man that. He was so good natured, and took +the joke so well, I was kinder sorry I played it off on him. I hante +see'd no man to England I affection so much as Mr. Tact, I swear! I +begin to think, arter all, it was the right of _sarchin' vessels_ he +wanted to talk to me about, instead of _sarchin' me_, as I suspicioned. +It don't do always _to look for motives, men often act without any_. The +next time, if he axes me, I'll talk plain, and jist tell him what I +_do_ think; but still, if he reads that riddle right, he may larn a good +deal, too, from the story of "the Gander Pulling," mayn't he?" + + + + +CHAPTER V. THE BLACK STOLE. + +The foregoing sketch exhibits a personal trait in Mr. Slick's character, +the present a national one. In the interview, whether real or fanciful, +that he alleges to have had with one of the Secretaries of State, he was +not disposed to give a direct reply, because his habitual caution led +him to suspect that an attempt was made to draw him out on a particular +topic without his being made aware of the object. On the present +occasion, he exhibits that irritability, which is so common among all +his countrymen, at the absurd accounts that travellers give of the +United States in general, and the gross exaggerations they publish of +the state of slavery in particular. + +That there is a party in this country, whose morbid sensibility is +pandered to on the subject of negro emancipation there can be no doubt, +as is proved by the experiment made by Mr. Slick, recorded in this +chapter. + +On this subject every man has a right to his own opinions, but any +interference with the municipal regulations of another country, is so +utterly unjustifiable, that it cannot be wondered at that the Americans +resent the conduct of the European abolishionists, in the most +unqualified and violent manner. + +The conversation that I am now about to repeat, took place on the +Thames. Our visits, hitherto, had been restricted by the rain to London. +To-day, the weather being fine, we took passage on board of a steamer, +and went to Greenwich. + +While we were walking up and down the deck, Mr. Slick again adverted to +the story of the government spies with great warmth. I endeavoured, but +in vain, to persuade him that no regular organized system of espionage +existed in England. He had obtained a garbled account of one or two +occurrences, and his prejudice, (which, notwithstanding his disavowal, +I knew to be so strong, as to warp all his opinions of England and the +English), immediately built up a system, which nothing I could say, +could at all shake. + +I assured him the instances he had mentioned were isolated and +unauthorized acts, told in a very distorted manner but mitigated, as +they really were, when truly related, they were at the time received +with the unanimous disapprobation of every right-thinking man in the +kingdom, and that the odium which had fallen on the relators, was so +immeasurably greater than what had been bestowed on the thoughtless +principals, that there was no danger of such things again occurring in +our day. But he was immovable. + +"Oh, of course, it isn't true," he said, "and every Englishman will +swear it's a falsehood. But you must not expect us to disbelieve it, +nevertheless; for your travellers who come to America, pick up here and +there, some absurd ontruth or another; or, if they are all picked up +already, invent one; and although every man, woman, and child is ready +to take their bible oaths it is a bam, yet the English believe this one +false witness in preference to the whole nation. + +"You must excuse me, Squire; you have a right to your opinion, though +it seems you have no right to blart it out always; but I am a freeman, +I was raised in Slickville, Onion County, State of Connecticut, United +States of America, which _is_ a free country, and no mistake; and I have +a right to my opinion, and a right to speak it, too; and let me see the +man, airl or commoner, parliamenterer or sodger officer, that dare to +report me, I guess he'd wish he'd been born a week later, that's all. +I'd make a caution of him, _I_ know. I'd polish his dial-plate fust, and +then I'd feel his short ribs, so as to make him larf, a leetle jist a +leetle the loudest he ever heerd. Lord, he'd think thunder and lightnin' +a mint julip to it. I'd ring him in the nose as they do pigs in my +country, to prevent them rootin' up what they hadn't ought." + +Having excited himself by his own story, he first imagined a case and +then resented it, as if it had occurred. I expressed to him my great +regret that he should visit England with these feelings and prejudices, +as I had hoped his conversation would have been as rational and as +amusing as it was in Nova Scotia, and concluded by saying that I felt +assured he would find that no such prejudice existed here against his +countrymen, as he entertained towards the English. + +"Lord love you!" said he, "I have no prejudice. I am the most candid man +you ever see. I have got some grit, but I ain't ugly, I ain't indeed." + +"But you are wrong about the English; and I'll prove it to you. Do you +see that turkey there?" said he. + +"Where?" I asked. "I see no turkey; indeed, I have seen none on board. +What do you mean?" + +"Why that slight, pale-faced, student-like Britisher; he is a turkey, +that feller. He has been all over the Union, and he is a goin' to write +a book. He was at New York when we left, and was introduced to me in the +street. To make it liquorish, he has got all the advertisements about +runaway slaves, sales of niggers, cruel mistresses and licentious +masters, that he could pick up. He is a caterer and panderer to English +hypocrisy. There is nothin' too gross for him to swaller. We call them +turkeys; first because they travel so fast--for no bird travels hot foot +that way, except it be an ostrich--and second, because they gobble +up every thing that comes in their way. Them fellers will swaller a +falsehood as fast as a turkey does a grasshopper; take it right down +whole, without winkin'. + +"Now, as we have nothin' above particular to do, 'I'll cram him' for +you; I will show you how hungry he'll bite at a tale of horror, let it +be never so onlikely; how readily he will believe it, because it is agin +us; and then, when his book comes out, you shall see that all England +will credit it, though I swear I invented it as a cram, and you swear +you heard it told as a joke. They've drank in so much that is strong, +in this way, have the English, they require somethin' sharp enough to +tickle their palates now. Wine hante no taste for a man that drinks +grog, that's a fact. It's as weak as Taunton water. Come and walk up and +down deck along with me once or twice, and then we will sit down by him, +promiscuously like; and as soon as I get his appetite sharp, see how I +will cram him." + +"This steam-boat is very onsteady to-day. Sir," said Mr. Slick; "it's +not overly convenient walking, is it?" + +The ice was broken. Mr. Slick led him on by degrees to his travels, +commencing with New England, which the traveller eulogised very much. +He then complimented him on the accuracy of his remarks and the depth +of his reflections, and concluded by expressing a hope that he would +publish his observations soon, as few tourists were so well qualified +for the task as himself. + +Finding these preliminary remarks taken in good part, he commenced the +process of "cramming." + +"But oh, my friend," said he, with a most sanctimonious air, "did you +visit, and I am ashamed as an American citizen to ask the question, I +feel the blood a tannin' of my cheek when I inquire, did you visit the +South? That land that is polluted with slavery, that land where +the boastin' and crackin' of freemen pile up the agony pangs on the +corroding wounds inflicted by the iron chains of the slave, until natur +can't stand it no more; my heart bleeds like a stuck critter, when I +think of this plague spot on the body politic. I ought not to speak +thus; prudence forbids it, national pride forbids it; but genu_wine_ +feelings is too strong for polite forms. 'Out of the fulness of the +heart the mouth speaketh.' Have you been there?" + +"Turkey" was thrown off his guard, he opened his wallet, which was well +stocked, and retailed his stories, many of them so very rich, that I +doubted the capacity of the Attache to out-Herod him. Mr. Slick received +these tales with evident horror, and complimented the narrator with a +well simulated groan; and when he had done, said, "Ah, I see how it +is, they have purposely kept dark about the most atrocious features of +slavery. Have you never seen the Gougin' School?" + +"No, never." + +"What, not seen the Gougin' School?" + +"No, Sir; I never heard of it." + +"Why, you don't mean to say so?" + +"I do, indeed, I assure you." + +"Well, if that don't pass! And you never even heerd tell of it, eh?" + +"Never, Sir. I have never either seen it or heard of it." + +"I thought as much," said Mr. Slick. "I doubt if any Britisher ever did +or ever will see it. Well, Sir, in South Carolina, there is a man called +Josiah Wormwood; I am ashamed to say he is a Connecticut man. For a +considerable of a spell, he was a strollin' preacher, but it didn't +pay in the long run. There is so much competition in that line in our +country, that he consaited the business was overdone, and he opened a +Lyceum to Charleston South Car, for boxin', wrestlin' and other purlite +British accomplishments; and a most a beautiful sparrer he is, too; I +don't know as I ever see a more scientific gentleman than he is, in +that line. Lately, he has halfed on to it the art of gougin' or +'monokolisin,' as he calls it, to sound grand; and if it weren't so +dreadful in its consequences, it sartinly is amost allurin' thing, is +gougin'. The sleight-of-hand is beautiful. All other sleights we know +are tricks; but this is reality; there is the eye of your adversary in +your hand; there is no mistake. It's the real thing. You feel you have +him; that you have set your mark on him, and that you have took your +satisfaction. The throb of delight felt by a 'monokolister' is beyond +all conception." + +"Oh heavens!" said the traveller, "Oh horror of horrors! I never heard +any thing so dreadful. Your manner of telling it, too, adds to its +terrors. You appear to view the practice with a proper Christian +disgust; and yet you talk like an amateur. Oh, the thing is sickening." + +"It is, indeed," said Mr. Slick, "particularly to him that loses his +peeper. But the dexterity, you know, is another thing. It is very +scientific. He has two niggers, has Squire Wormwood, who teach the +wrastlin' and gouge-sparrin'; but practisin' for the eye is done for +punishment of runaways. He has plenty of subjects. All the planters +send their fugit_ive_ niggers there to be practised on for an eye. The +scholars ain't allowed to take more than one eye out of them; if they +do, they have to pay for the nigger; for he is no sort o' good after, +for nothin' but to pick oakum. I could go through the form, and give you +the cries to the life, but I won't; it is too horrid; it really is too +dreadful." + +"Oh do, I beg of you," said the traveller. + +"I cannot, indeed; it is too shocking. It will disgust you." + +"Oh, not at all," said Turkey, "when I know it is simulated, and not +real, it is another thing." + +"I cannot, indeed," said Mr. Slick. "It would shock your philanthropic +soul, and set your very teeth of humanity on edge. But have you ever +seen--the Black Stole?" + +"No." + +"Never seen the Black Stole?" + +"No, never." + +"Why, it ain't possible? Did you never hear of it nother?" + +"No, never. Well now, do tell!" + +"So you never heerd tell of it, nor never sot eyes on it?" + +"Certainly never." + +"Well, that bangs the bush, now! I suppose you didn't. Guess you never +did, and never will, nor no other traveller, nother, that ever slept +in shoe-leather. They keep dark about these atrocities. Well, the Black +Stole is a loose kind of shirt-coat, like an English carter's frock; +only, it is of a different colour. It is black instead of white, and +made of nigger hide, beautifully tanned, and dressed as soft as a glove. +It ain't every nigger's hide that's fit for a stole. If they are too +young, it is too much like kid; if they are too old, it's like sole +leather, it's so tough; and if they have been whipt, as all on 'em have +a'most, why the back is all cut to pieces, and the hide ruined. It +takes several sound nigger skins to make a stole; but when made, it's a +beautiful article, that's a fact. + +"It is used on a plantation for punishment. When the whip don't do its +work, strip a slave, and jist clap on to him the Black Stole. Dress +him up in a dead man's skin, and it frightens him near about to death. +You'll hear him screetch for a mile a'most, so 'tarnally skeered. And +the best of the fun is, that all the rest of the herd, bulls, cows, and +calves, run away from him, jist as if he was a panther." + +"Fun, Sir! Do you call this fun?" + +"Why sartainly I do. Ain't it better nor whippin' to death? "What's +a Stole arter all? It's nothin' but a coat. Philosophizin' on it, +Stranger, there is nothin' to shock a man. The dead don't feel. +Skinnin', then, ain't cruel, nor is it immoral. To bury a good hide, is, +waste--waste is wicked. There are more good hides buried in the +States, black and white, every year, than would pay the poor-rates and +state-taxes. They make excellent huntin'-coats, and would make beautiful +razor-straps, bindin' for books, and such like things; it would make a +noble export. Tannin' in hemlock bark cures the horrid nigger flavour. +But then, we hante arrived at that state of philosophy; and when it is +confined to one class of the human family, it would be dangerous. +The skin of a crippled slave might be worth more than the critter was +himself; and I make no doubt, we should soon hear of a stray nigger +being shot for his hide, as you do of a moose for his skin, and a bear +for his fur. + +"Indeed, that is the reason (though I shouldn't mention it as an +Attache), that our government won't now concur to suppress the slave +trade. They say the prisoners will all be murdered, and their peels +sold; and that vessels, instead of taking, in at Africa a cargo of +humans, will take in a cargo of hides, as they do to South America. As a +Christian, a philanthropist, indeed, as a man, this is a horrid subject +to contemplate, ain't it?" + +"Indeed it is," said Turkey. "I feel a little overcome--my head swims--I +am oppressed with nausea--I must go below." + +"How the goney swallered it all, didn't he?" said Mr. Slick, with great +glee. "Hante he a most a beautiful twist that feller? How he gobbled it +down, tank, shank and flank at a gulp, didn't he. Oh! he is a Turkey +and no mistake, that chap. But see here, Squire; jist look through the +skylight. See the goney, how his pencil is a leggin' it off, for dear +life. Oh, there is great fun in crammin' those fellers. + +"Now tell me candid, Squire; do you think there is no prejudice in the +Britishers agin us and our free and enlightened country, when they can +swaller such stuff as the Gougin' School and _Black Stole_?" + + + + +CHAPTER VI. THE PRINCE DE JOINVILLE'S HORSE. + +"There is more in that story, Squire," said Mr. Hopewell, "of the +Patron, and Sam's queer illustration of the Cow's Tail, than you are +aware of. The machinery of the colonies is good enough in itself, but +it wants a safety valve. When the pressure within is too great, there +should be something devised to let off the steam. This is a subject +well worthy of your consideration; and if you have an opportunity of +conversing with any of the ministry, pray draw their attention to it. By +not understanding this, the English have caused one revolution at home, +and another in America." + +"Exactly," said Mr. Slick. "It reminds me of what I once saw done by the +Prince de Joinville's horse, on the Halifax road." + +"Pardon me," said Mr. Hopewell, "you shall have an opportunity presently +of telling your story of the Prince's horse, but suffer me to proceed. + +"England, besides other outlets, has a never-failing one in the +colonies, but the colonies have no outlet. Cromwell and Hampden were +actually embarked on board of a vessel in the Thames, for Boston, when +they were prevented from sailing by an Order in Council. What was the +consequence? The sovereign was dethroned. Instead of leading a small +sect of fanatical puritans, and being the first men of a village in +Massachussets, they aspired to be the first men in an empire, and +succeeded. So in the old colonies. Had Washington been sent abroad +in command of a regiment, Adams to govern a colony, Franklin to make +experiments in an observatory like that at Greenwich, and a more +extended field been opened to colonial talent, the United States would +still have continued to be dependencies of Great Britain. + +"There is no room for men of talent in British America; and by not +affording them an opportunity of distinguishing themselves, or rewarding +them when they do, they are always ready to make one, by opposition. In +comparing their situation with that of the inhabitants of the British +Isles, they feel that they labour under disabilities; these disabilities +they feel as a degradation; and as those who impose that degradation +live three thousand miles off, it becomes a question whether it is +better to suffer or resist." + +"The Prince de Joinville's horse," said Mr. Slick, "is a case in pint." + +"One moment, Sam," said Mr. Hopewell. + +"The very word 'dependencies' shows the state of the colonies. If they +are to be retained, they should be incorporated with Great Britain. +The people should be made to feel, not that they are colonists, but +Englishmen. They may tinker at constitutions as much as they please; +the root of the evil lies deeper than statesmen are aware of. O'Connell, +when he agitates for a repeal of the Union, if he really has no ulterior +objects beyond that of an Irish Parliament, does not know what he is +talking about. If his request were granted, Ireland would become a +province, and descend from being an integral part of the empire, into +a dependency. Had he ever lived in a colony, he would have known the +tendencies of such a condition. + +"What I desire to see, is the very reverse. Now that steam has united +the two continents of Europe and America, in such a manner that you +can travel from Nova Scotia to England, in as short a time as it +once required to go from Dublin to London, I should hope for a united +legislature. Recollect that the distance from New Orleans to the head +of the River is greater than from Halifax N. S., to Liverpool. I do +not want to see colonists and Englishmen arrayed against each other, as +different races, but united as one people, having the same rights and +privileges, each bearing a share of the public burdens, and all having a +voice in the general government. + +"The love of distinction is natural to man. Three millions of people +cannot be shut up in a colony. They will either turn on each other, or +unite against their keepers. The road that leads to retirement in the +provinces, should be open to those whom the hope of distinction invites +to return and contend for the honours of the empire. At present, the +egress is practically closed." + +"If you was to talk for ever, Minister," said Mr. Slick, "you couldn't +say more than the Prince de Joinville's hoss on that subject." + +The interruption was very annoying; for no man I ever met, so thoroughly +understands the subject of colonial government as Mr. Hopewell. His +experience is greater than that of any man now living, and his views +more enlarged and more philosophical. + +"Go on, Sam," said he with great good humour. "Let us hear what the +Prince's horse said." + +"Well," said Mr. Slick, "I don't jist exactly mean to say he spoke, as +Balaam's donkey did, in good English or French nother; but he did that +that spoke a whole book, with a handsum wood-cut to the fore, and that's +a fact. + +"About two years ago, one mortal brilin' hot day, as I was a pokin' +along the road from Halifax to Windsor, with Old Clay in the waggon, +with my coat off, a ridin' in my shirt-sleeves, and a thinkin' how slick +a mint-julep would travel down red-lane, if I had it, I heard such a +chatterin', and laughin', and screamin' as I never a'most heerd afore, +since I was raised. + +"'What in natur' is this,' sais I, as I gave Old Clay a crack of the +whip, to push on. 'There is some critters here, I guess, that have found +a haw haw's nest, with a tee hee's egg in it. What's in the wind now?' +Well, a sudden turn of the road brought me to where they was, and who +should they be but French officers from the Prince's ship, travellin' +incog. in plain clothes. But, Lord bless you, cook a Frenchman any way +you please, and you can't disguise him. Natur' will out, in spite of +all, and the name of a Frencher is written as plain as any thing in his +whiskers, and his hair, and his skin, and his coat, and his boots, and +his air, and his gait, and in everythin', but only let him open his +mouth, and the cat's out of the bag in no time, ain't it? They are droll +boys, is the French, that's a fact. + +"Well, there was four on 'em dismounted, a holdin' of their hosses by +the bridle, and a standin' near a spring of nice cool water; and there +was a fifth, and he was a layin' down belly flounder on the ground, a +tryin' to drink out of the runnin' spring. + +"'Parley vous French,' sais I, 'Mountsheer?' At that, they sot to, and +larfed again more than ever, I thought they would have gone into the +high strikes, they hee-hawed so. + +"Well, one on 'em, that was a Duke, as I found out afterwards, said 'O +yees, Saar, we spoked English too.' + +"'Lawful heart!' sais I, 'what's the joke?' + +"'Why,' sais he, 'look there, Sare.' And then they larfed agin, ready to +split; and sore enough, no sooner had the Leftenant layed down to drink, +than the Prince's hoss kneeled down, and put his head jist over his +neck, and began to drink too. Well, the officer couldn't get up for the +hoss, and he couldn't keep his face out of the water for the hoss, and +he couldn't drink for the hoss, and he was almost choked to death, and +as black in the face as your hat. And the Prince and the officers larfed +so, they couldn't help him, if they was to die for it. + +"Sais I to myself, 'A joke is a joke, if it tante carried too far, +but this critter win be strangled, as sure as a gun, if he lays here +splutterin' this way much longer.' So I jist gives the hoss a dab in +the mouth, and made him git up; and then sais I, 'Prince,' sais I, for I +know'd him by his beard, he had one exactly like one of the old +saint's heads in an Eyetalian pictur, all dressed to a pint, so sais I, +'Prince,' and a plaguy handsum man he is too, and as full of fun as a +kitten, so sais I, 'Prince,' and what's better, all his officers seemed +plaguy proud and fond of him too; so sais I, 'Prince, voila le condition +of one colonist, which,' sais I, 'Prince, means in English, that +leftenant is jist like a colonist.' + +"'Commong,' sais he, 'how is dat?' + +"'Why' sais I, 'Prince, whenever a colonist goes for to drink at a +spring of the good things in this world, (and plaguy small springs we +have here too,) and fairly lays down to it, jist as he gets his lips +cleverly to it, for a swig, there is some cussed neck or another, of +some confounded Britisher, pops right over him, and pins him there. He +can't get up, he can't back out, and he can't drink, and he is blacked +and blued in the face, and most choked with the weight.' + +"'What country was you man of?' said he, for he spoke very good for a +Frenchman. + +"With that I straightened myself up, and looked dignified, for I know'd +I had a right to be proud, and no mistake; sais I, 'Prince, I am an +American citizen.' How them two words altered him. P'raps there beant no +two words to ditto 'em. He looked for all the world like a different man +when he seed I wasn't a mean uncircumcised colonist. + +"'Very glad to see you, Mr. Yankee,' said he, 'very glad indeed. Shall I +have de honour to ride with you a little way in your carriage?' + +"'As for the matter of that,' sais I, 'Mountsheer Prince, the honour is +all the other way,' for I can be as civil as any man, if he sets out to +act pretty and do the thing genteel. + +"With that he jumped right in, and then he said somethin' in French +to the officers; some order or another, I suppose, about comin on and +fetchin' his hoss with them. I have hearn in my time, a good many men +speak French, but I never see the man yet, that could hold a candle +to _him_. Oh, it was like lightnin', jist one long endurin' streak; it +seemed all one sentence and one word. It was beautiful, but I couldn't +onderstand it, it was so everlastin' fast. + +"'Now,' sais he, 'set sail.' And off we sot, at the rate of sixteen +notts an hour. Old Clay pleased him, you may depend; he turned round and +clapped his hands, and larfed, and waved his hat to his officers to +come on; and they whipped, and spurred, and galloped, and raced for dear +life; but we dropped 'em astarn like any thing, and he larfed again, +heartier than ever There is no people a'most, like to ride so fast as +sailors; they crack on, like a house a fire. + +"Well, arter a while, sais he, 'Back topsails,' and I hauled up, and +he jumped down, and outs with a pocket book, and takes a beautiful gold +coronation medal. (It was solid gold, no pinchback, but the rael yaller +stuff, jist fresh from King's shop to Paris, where his money is made), +and sais he, 'Mr. Yankee, will you accept that to remember the Prince de +Joinville and his horse by?' And then he took off his hat and made me a +bow, and if that warn't a bow, then I never see one, that's all. I don't +believe mortal man, unless it was a Philadelphia nigger, could make such +a bow. It was enough to sprain his ankle he curled so low. And then off +he went with a hop, skip, and a jump, sailor fashion, back to meet his +people. + +"Now, Squire, if you see Lord Stanley, tell him that story of the Prince +de Joinville's horse; but before you get so far as that, pin him by +admissions. When you want to get a man on the hip, ax him a question +or two, and get his answers, and then you have him in a corner, he must +stand and let you put on the bridle. He cant help it no how, he can fix +it. + +"Says you, 'My Lord'--don't forget his title--every man likes the sound +of that, it's music to his ears, it's like our splendid national air, +Yankee Doodle, you never get tired of it. 'My Lord,' sais you, 'what do +you suppose is the reason the French keep Algiers?' Well, he'll up +and say, it's an outlet for the fiery spirits of France, it gives them +employment and an opportunity to distinguish themselves, and what the +climate and the inimy spare, become valuable officers. It makes good +soldiers out of bad subjects. + +"'Do you call that good policy?' sais you. + +"Well, he's a trump, is Mr. Stanley, at least folks say so; and he'll +say right off the reel 'onquestionably it is--excellent policy.' + +"When he says that, you have him bagged, he may flounder and spring like +a salmon jist caught; but he can't out of the landin' net. You've got +him, and no mistake. Sais you 'what outlet have you for the colonies?' + +"Well, he'll scratch his head and stare at that, for a space. He'll +hum and haw a little to get breath, for he never thought of that afore, +since he grow'd up; but he's no fool, I can tell you, and he'll out with +his mould, run an answer and be ready for you in no time. He'll say, +'They don't require none. Sir. They have no redundant population. They +are an outlet themselves.' + +"Sais you, 'I wasn't talking of an outlet for population, for France or +the provinces nother. I was talking of an outlet for the clever men, for +the onquiet ones, for the fiery spirits.' + +"'For that. Sir,' he will say, 'they have the local patronage.' + +"'Oh!' sais you, 'I warn't aware. I beg pardon, I have been absent some +time, as long as twenty days or perhaps twenty-five, there must have +been great changes, since I left.' + +"'The garrison,' sais you. + +"'Is English,' sais he. + +"'The armed ships in the harbour?' + +"'English.' + +"'The governor and his secretary?' + +"'English.' + +"'The principal officer of customs and principal part of his deputies?' + +"'English.' + +"'The commissariat and the staff?' + +"'English to a man.' + +"'The dockyard people?' + +"'English.' + +"'The postmaster giniral?' + +"'English.' + +"'What, English?' sais you, and look all surprise, as if you didn't +know. 'I thought he was a colonist, seein' the province pays so much for +the mails.' + +"'No,' he'll say, 'not now; we have jist sent an English one over, for +we find it's a good thing that.' + +"'One word more,' sais you, 'and I have done. If your army officers out +there, get leave of absence, do you stop their pay?' + +"'No.' + +"'Do you sarve native colonists the same way?' + +"'No, we stop half their salaries.' + +"'Exactly,' sais you, 'make them feel the difference. Always make a +nigger feel he is a nigger, or he'll get sassy, you may depend. As for +patronage,' sais you, 'you know as well as I do, that all that's +not worth havin', is jist left to poor colonist. He is an officer of +militia, gets no pay and finds his own fit out. Like Don Quixote's +tailor, he works for nothin' and finds thread. Any other little matters +of the same kind, that nobody wants, and nobody else will take; if +Blue-nose makes interest for, and has good luck, he can get as a great +favour, to conciliate his countrymen. No, Minister,' sais you, 'you are +a clever man, every body sais you are a brick; and if you ain't, you +talk more like one, than any body I have seen this while past. I don't +want no office myself, if I did p'raps, I wouldn't talk about patronage +this way; but I am a colonist, I want to see the colonists remain so. +They _are_ attached to England, that is a fact, keep them so, by making +them Englishmen. Throw the door wide open; patronise them; enlist them +in the imperial sarvice, allow them a chance to contend for honours and +let them win them, if they can. If they don't, it's their own fault, and +cuss 'em they ought to be kicked, for if they ain't too lazy, there is +no mistake in 'em, that's a fact. The country will be proud of them, if +they go ahead. Their language will change then. It will be _our_ army, +the delighted critters will say, not the English army; _our_ navy, _our_ +church, _our_ parliament, _our_ aristocracy, &c., and the word English +will be left out holus-bolus, and that proud, that endearin' word +"our" will be insarted. Do this, and you will shew yourself the first +statesman of modern times. You'll rise right up to the top of the pot, +you'll go clean over Peel's head, as your folks go over ourn, not by +jumpin' over him, but by takin' him by the neck and squeezin' him +down. You 'mancipated the blacks, now liberate the colonists and make +Englishmen of them, and see whether the goneys won't grin from ear to +ear, and shew their teeth, as well as the niggers did. Don't let +Yankee clockmakers, (you may say that if you like, if it will help your +argument,) don't let travellin' Yankee clockmakers tell such stories, +against _your_ justice and _our_ pride as that of the Prince de +Joinville and his horse.'" + + + + +CHAPTER VII. LIFE IN THE COUNTRY. + +"Here," said Mr. Sick, "is an invitation for you and me, and minister to +go and visit Sir Littleeared Bighead, down to Yorkshire. You can go if +you like, and for once, p'raps it's worth goin' to see how these chaps +first kill time, and then how time kills them in turn. Eatin', +drinkin', sleepin', growlin', fowlin', and huntin' kills time; and +gout, aperplexy, dispepsy, and blue devils kills them. They are like two +fightin' dogs, one dies of the thrashin' he gets, and t'other dies of +the wounds he got a killin' of him. Tit for tat; what's sarce for the +goose, is sarce for the gander. + +"If you want to go, Minister will go with you; but hang me if I do. The +only thing is, it'll puzzle you to get him away, if he gets down there. +You never see such a crotchical old critter in your life as he is. He +flies right off the handle for nothin'. He goes strayin' away off in the +fields and gullies, a browsin' about with a hammer, crackin' up bits of +stones like walnuts, or pickin' up old weeds, faded flowers, and what +not; and stands starin' at 'em for ever so long, through his eye-glass, +and keeps a savin' to himself, 'Wonderful provision of natur!' Airth and +seas! what does he mean? How long would a man live on such provision, I +should like to know, as them bitter yarbs. + +"Well, then, he'll jist as soon set down and jaw away by the hour +together with a dirty-faced, stupid little poodle lookin' child, as +if it was a nice spry little dog he was a trainin' of for treein' +partridges; or talk poetry with the galls, or corn-law with the +patriots, or any thing. Nothin' comes amiss to him. + +"But what provokes me, is to hear him go blartin' all over the country +about home scenes, and beautiful landscape, and rich vardure. My sakes, +the vardure here is so deep, it looks like mournin'; it's actilly +dismal. Then there's no water to give light to the pictur, and no sun to +cheer it; and the hedges are all square; and the lime trees are as stiff +as an old gall that was once pretty, and has grow'd proud on the memory +of it. + +"I don't like their landscape a bit, there ain't no natur in it. Oh! if +you go, take him along with you, for he will put you in consait of all +you see, except reform, dissent, and things o' that kind; for he is an +out and out old Tory, and thinks nothin' can be changed here for the +better, except them that don't agree with him. + +"He was a warnin' you t'other day not to take all I said for Gospel +about society here; but you'll see who's right and who's wrong afore +you've done, I know. I described to you, when you returned from Germany, +_Dinin' out_ to London. Now I'll give you my opinion of "Life in the +Country." And fust of all, as I was a sayin', there is no such thing as +natur' here. Every thing is artificial; every thing of its kind alike; +and every thing oninterestin' and tiresome. + +"Well, if London is dull, in the way of West Eend people, the country, I +guess, is a little mucher. Life in the country is different, of course, +from life in town; but still life itself is alike there, exceptin' again +_class difference_. That is, nobility is all alike, as far as their +order goes; and country gents is alike, as far as their class goes; and +the last especially, when they hante travelled none, everlastin' flat, +in their own way. Take a lord, now, and visit him to his country seat, +and I'll tell you what you will find--a sort of Washington State +house place. It is either a rail old castle of the genuine kind, or a +gingerbread crinkum crankum imitation of a thing that only existed in +fancy, but never was seen afore--a thing that's made modern for use, and +in ancient stile for shew; or else it's a great cold, formal, slice of a +London terrace, stack on a hill in a wood. + +"Well, there is lawn, park, artificial pond called a lake, deer that's +fashionablized and civilized, and as little natur in 'em as the humans +have. Kennel and hounds for parsicutin' foxes--presarves (not what we +call presarves, quinces and apple sarce, and green gages done in sugar, +but preserves for breedin' tame partridges and peasants to shoot at), +H'aviaries, Hive-eries, H'yew-veris, Hot Houses, and so on; for they put +an H before every word do these critters, and then tell us Yankees we +don't speak English. + +"Well, when you have seen an old and a new house of these folks, you +have seen all. Featurs differ a little, but face of all is so alike, +that though p'raps you wouldn't mistake one for another, yet you'd say +they was all of one family. The king is their father. + +"Now it may seem kinder odd to you, and I do suppose it will, but what +little natur there is to England is among these upper crust nobility. +_Extremes meet_. The most elegant critter in America is an Indgian +chief. The most elegant one in England is a noble. There is natur in +both. You will vow that's a crotchet of mine, but it's a fact; and I +will tell you how it is, some other time. For I opine the most charmin', +most nateral, least artificial, kindest, and condescendenest people here +are rael nobles. Younger children are the devil, half rank makes 'em +proud, and entire poverty makes 'em sour. _Strap pride on an empty puss, +and it puts a most beautiful edge on, it cuts like a razor_. They have +to assart their dignity, tother one's dignity don't want no assartin'. +It speaks for itself. + +"I won't enter into particulars now. I want to shew you country life; +because if you don't want to hang yourself, don't tarry there, that's +all; go and look at 'em, but don't stay there. If you can't help it no +how, you can fix it, do it in three days; one to come, one to see, and +one to go. If you do that, and make the fust late, and the last airly, +you'll get through it; for it won't only make a day and a half, when +sumtotalized. We'll fancy it, that's better than the rael thing, any +time. + +"So lets go to a country gentleman's house, or "landed," as they call +'em, cause they are so infarnally heavy. Well, his house is either an +old onconvenient up and down, crooked-laned place, bad lighted, bad +warmed, and shockin' cut up in small rooms; or a spic and span formal, +new one, havin' all or most, according to his puss, of those things, +about lord's houses, only on a smaller scale. + +"Well, I'll arrive in time for dinner, I'll titivate myself up, and down +to drawin'-room, and whose the company that's to dine there? Why, cuss +'em, half a dozen of these gents own the country for miles round, so +they have to keep some company at the house, and the rest is neighbours. + +"Now for goodness gracious sake, jist let's see who they be! Why one or +two poor parsons, that have nothin' new in 'em, and nothin' new on +'em, goodish sort of people too, only they larf a leetle, jist a leetle +louder at host's jokes, than at mine, at least, I suspicion it, 'cause I +never could see nothin' to larf at in his jokes. One or two country nobs +of brother landed gents, that look as big as if the whole of the three +per cent consols was in their breeches pockets; one or two damsels, that +was young once, but have confessed to bein' old maids, drop't the word +'Miss,' 'cause it sounded ridikilous, and took the title of 'Mrs.' +to look like widders. Two or three wivewomen of the Chinese stock, a +bustin' of their stays off a'most, and as fat as show-beef; an oldest +son or two, with the eend of the silver spoon he was born with, a +peepin' out o' the corner of his mouth, and his face as vacant as a horn +lantern without a candle in it; a younger son or so jist from college, +who looks as if he had an idea he'd have to airn his livin', and whose +lantern face looks as if it had had a candle in it, that had e'en amost +burnt the sides out, rather thin and pale, with streaks of Latin and +Greek in it; one or two everlastin' pretty young galls, so pretty as +there is nothin' to do, you can't hardly help bein' spooney on 'em. + +"Matchless galls, they be too, for there is no matches for 'em. The +primur-genitur boy takes all so they have no fortin. Well, a younger son +won't do for 'em, for he has no fortin; and t'other primo geno there, +couldn't if he would, for he wants the estate next to hisn, and has to +take the gall that owns it, or he won't get it. I pity them galls, I +do upon my soul. It's a hard fate, that, as Minster sais, in his pretty +talk, to bud, unfold, bloom, wither, and die on the parent stock, and +have no one to pluck the rose, and put it in his bosom, aint it? + +"Dinner is ready, and you lock and lock, and march off two and two, to +t'other room, and feed. Well, the dinner is like town dinner, there aint +much difference, there is some; there is a difference atween a country +coat, and a London coat; but still they look alike, and are intended to +be as near the same as they can. The appetite is better than town folks, +and there is more eatin' and less talkin', but the talkin', like the +eatin', is heavy and solemcoloy. + +"Now do, Mr. Poker, that's a good soul, now do, Squire, look at the +sarvants. Do you hear that feller, a blowin' and a wheesin' like a hoss +that's got the heaves? Well he is so fat and lazy, and murders beef and +beer so, he has got the assmy, and walkin' puts him out o' breath--aint +it beautiful! Faithful old sarvant that, so attached to the family! +which means the family prog. Always to home! which means he is always +eatin' and drinkin', and hante time to go out. So respectful! which +means bowin' is an everlastin' sight easier, and safer too, nor talkin' +is. So honest! which means, parquisites covers all he takes. Keeps every +thin' in such good order! which means he makes the women do his work. +Puts every thin' in it's place, he is so methodical! which means, there +is no young children in the house, and old aunty always puts things back +where she takes 'em from. For she is a good bit of stuff is aunty, as +thin, tough, and soople as a painter's palate knife. Oh, Lord! how I +would like to lick him with a bran new cow hide whip, round and round +the park, every day, an hour afore breakfast, to improve his wind, and +teach him how to mend his pace. I'd repair his old bellowses for him, I +know. + +"Then look at the butler, how he tordles like a Terrapin; he has got the +gout, that feller, and no wonder, nother. Every decanter that comes in +has jist half a bottle in it, the rest goes in tastin', to see it aint +corked. His character would suffer if a bit o' cork floated in it. Every +other bottle is corked, so he drinks that bottle, and opens another, and +gives master half of it. The housekeeper pets him, calls him Mr., asks +him if he has heard from Sir Philip lately, hintin' that he is of gentle +blood, only the wrong side of the blanket, and that pleases him. They +are both well to do in the world. Vails count up in time, and they talk +big sometimes, when alone together, and hint at warnin' off the old +knight, marryin', and settin' up a tripe shop, some o' these days; don't +that hint about wedlock bring him a nice little hot supper that night, +and don't that little supper bring her a tumbler of nice mulled wine, +and don't both on 'em look as knowin' as a boiled codfish, and a shelled +oyster, that's all. + +"He once got warned himself, did old Thomas, so said he, 'Where do you +intend to go master?' 'Me,' said the old man, scratchin' his head, and +lookin' puzzled 'nowhere.' 'Oh, I thought _you_ intend to leave, said +Thomas for _I_ don't.' 'Very good that, Thomas, come I like that.' The +old knight's got an anecdote by that, and nanny-goats aint picked +up every day in the country. He tells that to every stranger, every +stranger larfs, and the two parsons larf, and the old 'Sir' larfs so, he +wakes up an old sleepin' cough that most breaks his ribs, and Thomas is +set up for a character. + +"Well, arter servants is gone, and women folks made themselves scarce, +we haul up closer to the table, have more room for legs, and then comes +the most interestin' part. Poor rates, quarter sessions, turnpikes, +corn-laws, next assizes, rail-roads and parish matters, with a touch +of the horse and dog between primo and secondo genitur, for variety. If +politics turn up, you can read who host is in a gineral way with half an +eye. If he is an ante-corn-lawer, then he is a manufacturer that wants +to grind the poor instead of grain. He is a _new man_ and reformer. If +he goes up to the bob for corn-law, then he wants to live and let live, +is _of an old family_, and a tory. Talk of test oaths bein' done away +with. Why Lord love you, they are in full force here yet. See what a +feller swears by--that's his test, and no mistake. + +"Well, you wouldn't guess now there was so much to talk of, would you? +But hear 'em over and over every day, the same everlastin' round, and +you would think the topics not so many arter all, I can tell you. It +soon runs out, and when it does, you must wait till the next rain, for +another freshet to float these heavy logs on. + +"Coffee comes, and then it's up and jine the ladies. Well, then talk +is tried agin, but it's no go; they can't come it, and one of the +good-natured fat old lady-birds goes to the piany, and sits on the music +stool. Oh, Hedges! how it creaks, but it's good stuff, I guess, it +will carry double this hitch; and she sings 'I wish I was a butterfly.' +Heavens and airth! the fust time I heard one of these hugeaceous +critters come out with that queer idee, I thought I should a dropt right +off of the otter man on the floor, and rolled over and over a-laughin', +it tickled me so, it makes me larf now only to think of it. Well, the +wings don't come, such big butterflies have to grub it in spite of Old +Nick, and after wishin' and wishin' ever so long in vain, one of the +young galls sits down and sings in rael right down airnest, 'I _won't_ +be a nun.' Poor critter! there is some sense in that, but I guess she +will be bleeged to be, for all that. + +"Now eatin' is done, talkin' is done, and singin' is done; so here is +chamber candles, and off to bed, that is if you are a-stayin' there. +If you ain't, 'Mr. Weather Mutton's carriage is ready, Sir,' and Mr. +Weather Mutton and Mrs. Weather Mutton and the entire stranger get in, +and when you do, you are in for it, I can tell you. You are in for a +seven mile heat at least of cross country roads, axletree deep, rain +pour-in' straight up and down like Niagara, high hedges, deep ditches +full of water, dark as Egypt; ain't room to pass nothin' if you meet +it, and don't feel jist altogether easy about them cussed alligators and +navigators, critters that work on rail-roads all day, and on houses and +travellers by night. + +"If you come with Mr. Weather Mutton, you seed the carriage in course. +It's an old one, a family one, and as heavy as an ox cart. The hosses +are old, family hosses, everlastin' fat, almighty lazy, and the way +they travel is a caution to a snail. It's vulgar to go fast, its only +butcher's hosses trot quick, and besides, there is no hurry--there is +nothin' to do to home. Affectionate couple! happy man! he takes his +wife's hand in his--kisses it? No, not he, but he puts his head back in +the corner of the carriage, and goes to sleep, and dreams--of her? Not +he indeed, but of a saddle of mutton and curren' jelly. + +"Well, if you are a-stoppin' at Sir Littleeared Bighead's, you escape +the flight by night, and go to bed and think of homeland natur'. Next +mornin', or rather next noon, down to breakfast. Oh, it's awfully +stupid! That second nap in the mornin' always fuddles the head, and +makes it as mothery as ryled cyder grounds. Nobody looks as sweet as +sugar candy quite, except them two beautiful galls and their honey +lips. But them is only to look at. If you want honey, there is some on +a little cut glass, dug out of a dish. But you can't eat it, for lookin' +at the genu_wine_, at least I can't, and never could. I don't know what +you can do. + +"P'raps you'd like to look at the picture, it will sarve to pass away +time. They are family ones. And family picture, sarve as a history. Our +Mexican Indgians did all their history in picture. Let's go round the +room and look. Lawful heart! what a big "Brown ox" that is. Old "Star +and Garters;" father fatted him. He was a prize ox; he eat a thousand +bushel of turnips, a thousand pound of oil cake, a thousand of hay, and +a thousand weight of mangel wurzel, and took a thousand days to fat, and +weighed ever so many thousands too. I don't believe it, but I don't +say so, out of manners, for I'll take my oath he was fatted on porter, +because he looks exactly like the footman on all fours. He is a walking +"_Brown Stout_," that feller. + +"There is a hunter, come, I like hosses; but this brute was painted when +at grass, and is too fat to look well, guess he was a goodish hoss in +his day though. He ain't a bad cut that's a fact. + +"Hullo! what's this pictur? Why, this is from our side of the water, as +I am a livin' sinner, this is a New-Foundlander, this dog; yes, and he +is of the true genu_wine_ breed too, look at his broad forehead--his +dew-claws--his little ears; (Sir Littleeared must have been named arter +him), his long hair--his beautiful eye. He is a first chop article +that; but, oh Lord, he is too shockin' fat altogether. He is like Mother +Gary's chickens, they are all fat and feathers. A wick run through 'em +makes a candle. This critter is all hair and blubber, if he goes too +near the grate, he'll catch into a blaze and set fire to the house. + +"There's our friend the host with cap and gold tassel on, ridin' on +his back, and there's his younger brother, (that died to Cambridge from +settin' up all night for his degree, and suppin' on dry mathematics, and +swallerin' "Newton" whole) younger brother like, walkin' on foot, and +leadin' the dog by the head, while the heir is a scoldin' him for not +goin' faster. + +"Then, there is an old aunty that a forten come from. She looks like a +bale o' cotton, fust screwed as tight as possible, and then corded hard. +Lord, if they had only a given her a pinch of snuff, when she was full +dressed and trussed, and sot her a sneezin', she'd a blowed up, and the +fortin would have come twenty years sooner. + +"Yes, it's a family pictur, indeed, they are all family picture. They +are all fine animals, but over fed and under worked. + +"Now it's up and take a turn in the gardens. There is some splendid +flowers on that slope. You and the galls go to look at 'em, and jist as +you get there, the grass is juicy from the everlastin' rain, and awful +slippy; up go your heels, and down goes stranger on the broad of his +back, slippin' and slidin' and coastin' right down the bank, slap over +the light mud-earth bed, and crushin' the flowers as flat as a pancake, +and you yaller ochered all over, clean away from the scruff of your +neck, down to the tip eend of your heel. The galls larf, the helps larf, +and the, bed-room maid larfs; and who the plague can blame them? Old +Marm don't larf though, because she is too perlite, and besides, she's +lost her flowers, and that's no larfin' matter; and you don't larf, +'cause you feel a little the nastiest you ever did, and jist as near +like a fool as to be taken for one, in the dark, that's a fact. + +"Well, you renew the outer man, and try it agin, and it's look at the +stable and hosses with Sir Host, and the dogs, and the carriages, +and two American trees, and a peacock, and a guinea hen, and a gold +pheasant, and a silver pheasant, and all that, and then lunch. Who the +plague can eat lunch, that's only jist breakfasted? + +"So away goes lunch, and off goes you and the 'Sir,' a trampousin' and a +trapsein' over the wet grass agin (I should like to know what ain't wet +in this country), and ploughed fields, and wide ditches chock full of +dirty water, if you slip in, to souse you most ridikelous; and over +gates that's nailed up, and stiles that's got no steps for fear of +thoroughfare, and through underwood that's loaded with rain-drops, away +off to tother eend of the estate, to see the most beautiful field of +turnips that ever was seen, only the flies eat all the plants up; and +then back by another path, that's slumpier than t'other, and twice +as long, that you may see an old wall with two broke-out winders, all +covered with ivy, which is called a ruin. And well named it is, too, for +I tore a bran new pair of trousers, most onhandsum, a scramblin' over +the fences to see it, and ruined a pair of shoes that was all squashed +out of shape by the wet and mud. + +"Well, arter all this day of pleasure, it is time to rig up in your +go-to-meetin' clothes for dinner; and that is the same as yesterday, +only stupider, if that's possible; and that is Life in the Country. + +"How the plague can it be otherwise than dull? If there is nothin' +to see, there can't be nothin' to talk about. Now the town is full of +things to see. There is Babbage's machine, and Bank Governor's machine, +and the Yankee woman's machine, and the flyin' machine, and all sorts of +machines, and galleries, and tunnels, and mesmerisers, and theatres, and +flower-shows, and cattle-shows, and beast-shows, and every kind of show, +and what's better nor all, beautiful got-up women, and men turned out in +fust chop style, too. + +"I don't mean to say country women ain't handsum here, 'cause they be. +There is no sun here; and how in natur' can it be otherways than that +they have good complexions. But it tante safe to be caged with them in +a house out o' town. Fust thing you both do, is to get spooney, makin' +eyes and company-faces at each other, and then think of matin', like +a pair of doves, and that won't answer for the like of you and me. The +fact is, Squire, if you want to see _women_, you musn't go to a house +in the country, nor to mere good company in town for it, tho' there +be first chop articles in both; but you must go among the big bugs the +top-lofty nobility, in London; for since the days of old marm Eve, down +to this instant present time, I don't think there ever was or ever will +be such splendiferous galls as is there. Lord, the fust time I seed 'em +it put me in mind of what happened to me at New Brunswick once. Governor +of Maine sent me over to their Governor's, official-like, with a state +letter, and the British officers axed me to dine to their mess. Well, +the English brags so like niggers, I thought I'd prove 'em, and set 'em +off on their old trade jist for fun. So, says I, stranger captain, sais +I, is all these forks and spoons, and plates and covers, and urns, +and what nots, rael genu_wine_ solid silver, the clear thing, and no +mistake. 'Sartainly,' said he, 'we have nothin' but silver here.' He +did, upon my soul, just as cool, as if it was all true; well you can't +tell a mili_tary_ what he sais ain't credible, or you have to fight +him. It's considered ongenteel, so I jist puts my finger on my nose, and +winks, as much as to say, 'I ain't such a cussed fool as you take me to +be, I can tell you.' + +"When he seed I'd found him out, he larfed like any thing. Guess he +found that was no go, for I warn't born in the woods to be scared by +an owl, that's a fact. Well, the fust time I went to lord's party, I +thought it was another brag agin; I never see nothin' like it. Heavens +and airth, I most jumpt out o' my skin. Where onder the sun, sais I to +myself, did he rake and scrape together such super-superior galls as +these. This party is a kind o' consarvitory, he has got all the raree +plants and sweetest roses in England here, and must have ransacked the +whole country for 'em. Knowin' I was a judge of woman kind, he wants me +to think they are all this way; but it's onpossible. They are only +"shew frigates" arter all; it don't stand to reason, they can't be all +clippers. He can't put the leake into me that way, so it tante no +use tryin'. Well, the next time, I seed jist such another covey of +partridges, same plumage, same step, and same breed. Well done, sais I, +they are intarmed to pull the wool over my eyes, that's a fact, but they +won't find that no easy matter, I know. Guess they must be done now, +they can't show another presarve like them agin in all Britain. What +trouble they do take to brag here, don't they? Well, to make a long +story short; how do you think it eventuated, Squire? Why every party I +went to, had as grand a shew as them, only some on 'em was better, fact +I assure you, it's gospel truth; there ain't a word of a lie in it, +text to the letter. I never see nothin' like it, since I was raised, nor +dreamed nothin' like it, and what's more, I don't think the world has +nothin' like it nother. It beats all natur. It takes the rag off quite. +If that old Turk, Mahomed, had seed these galls, he wouldn't a bragged +about his beautiful ones in paradise so for everlastinly, I know; for +these English heifers would have beat 'em all holler, that's a fact. For +my part, I call myself a judge. I have an eye there ain't no deceivin'. +I have made it a study, and know every pint about a woman, as well as I +do about a hoss; therefore, if I say so, it must be so, and no mistake. +I make all allowances for the gear, and the gettin' up, and the vampin', +and all that sort o' flash; but toggery won't make an ugly gall handsum, +nohow you can fix it. It may lower her ugliness a leetle, but it won't +raise her beauty, if she hante got none. But I warn't a talkin' of +nobility; I was a talkin' of Life in the Country. But the wust of it is, +when galls come on the carpet, I could talk all day; for the dear little +critters, I _do_ love 'em, that's a fact. Lick! it sets me crazy a'most. +Well, where was we? for petticoats always puts every thing out o' my +head. Whereabouts was we?" + +"You were saying that there were more things to be seen in London than +in the country." + +"Exactly; now I have it. I've got the thread agin. So there is. + +"There's England's Queen, and England's Prince, and Hanover's King, and +the old Swordbelt that whopped Bony; and he is better worth seem' than +any man now livin' on the face of the univarsal airth, let t'other one +be where he will, that's a fact. He is a great man, all through the +piece, and no mistake. If there was--what do you call that word, when +one man's breath pops into 'nother man's body, changin' lodgins, like?" + +"Do you mean transmigration?" + +"Yes; if there was such a thing as that, I should say it was old Liveoak +himself, Mr. Washington, that was transmigrated into him, and that's no +mean thing to say of him, I tell you. + +"Well now, there's none o' these things to the country; and it's so +everlastin' stupid, it's only a Britisher and a nigger that could live +in an English country-house. A nigger don't like movin', and it would +jist suit him, if it warn't so awful wet and cold. + + "Oh if I was President of these here United States, + I'd suck sugar candy and swing upon de gates; + And them I didn't like, I'd strike 'em off de docket, + And the way we'd go ahead, would be akin to Davy Crockit. + With my zippy dooden, dooden dooden, dooden dooden dey, + With my zippy dooden, dooden dooden, dooden dooden dey. + +"It might do for a nigger, suckin' sugar candy and drinkin' mint-julep; +but it won't do for a free and enlightened citizen like me. A country +house--oh goody gracious! the Lord presarve me from it, I say. If ever +any soul ever catches me there agin, I'll give 'em leave to tell me of +it, that's all. Oh go, Squire, by all means; you will find it monstrous +pleasant, I know you will. Go and spend a week there; it will make you +feel up in the stirrups, I know. Pr'aps nothin' can exceed it. It takes +the rag off the bush quite. It caps all, that's a fact, does 'Life in +the Country.'" + + + + +CHAPTER VIII. BUNKUM. + +I am not surprised at the views expressed by Mr. Slick in the previous +chapter. He has led too active a life, and his habits and thoughts are +too business-like to admit of his enjoying retirement, or accommodating +himself to the formal restraints of polished society. And yet, after +making this allowance for his erratic life, it is but fair to add that +his descriptions were always exaggerated; and, wearied as he no doubt +was by the uniformity of country life, yet in describing it, he has +evidently seized on the most striking features, and made them more +prominent than they really appeared, even to his fatigued and prejudiced +vision. + +In other respects, they are just the sentiments we may suppose would +be naturally entertained by a man like the Attache, under such +circumstances. On the evening after that on which he had described "Life +in the Country" to me, he called with two "orders" for admission to the +House of Commons, and took me down with him to hear the debates. + +"It's a great sight," said he. "We shall see all their uppercrust +men put their best foot out. There's a great musterin' of the tribes, +to-night, and the Sachems will come out with a great talk. There'll be +some sport, I guess; some hard hittin', scalpin', and tomahawkin'. To +see a Britisher scalp a Britisher is equal to a bullfight, anytime. You +don't keer whether the bull, or the horse, or the rider is killed, none +of 'em is nothin' to you; so you can enjoy it, and hurror for him that +wins. I don't keer who carries the day, the valy of a treat of julep, +but I want to see the sport. It's excitin', them things. Come, let's +go." + +We were shown into a small gallery, at one end of the legislative +wall (the two side ones being appropriated to members), and with some +difficulty found sitting room in a place that commanded a view of the +whole house. We were unfortunate. All the great speakers, Lord Stanley, +Sir Robert Peel, Sir James Graham, Shiel, and Lord John Russell, had +either already addressed the Chair, and were thereby precluded by the +rules of the House from coming forward again, or did not choose to +answer second-rate men. Those whom we did hear, made a most wretched +exhibition. About one o'clock, the adjournment took place, and we +returned, fatigued and disappointed. + +"Did you ever see the beat of that, Squire?" said Mr. Slick. "Don't that +take the rag off quite? Cuss them fellers that spoke, they are wuss than +assembly men, hang me if they aint; and _they_ aint fit to tend a bear +trap, for they'd be sure to catch themselves, if they did, in their own +pit-fall. + +"Did you hear that Irishman a latherin' away with both arms, as if he +was tryin' to thrash out wheat, and see how bothered he looked, as if +he couldn't find nothin' but dust and chaff in the straw? Well, that +critter was agin the Bill, in course, and Irish like, used every +argument in favour of it. Like a pig swimmin' agin stream, every time +he struck out, he was a cuttin' of his own throat. He then blob blob +blobbered, and gog gog goggled, till he choked with words and passion, +and then sot down. + +"Then that English Radical feller, that spoke with great voice, and +little sense. Aint he a beauty, without paint, that critter? He know'd +he had to vote agin the Bill, 'cause it was a Government Bill, and be +know'd he had to speak for _Bunkum_, and therefore--" + +"_Bunkum!_" I said, "pray, what is that?" + +"Did you never hear of Bunkum?" + +"No, never." + +"Why, you don't mean to say you don't know what that is?" + +"I do not indeed." + +"Not Bunkum? Why, there is more of it to Nova Scotia every winter, than +would paper every room in Government House, and then curl the hair of +every gall in the town. Not heer of _Bunkum_? why how you talk!" + +"No, never." + +"Well, if that don't pass! I thought every body know'd that word. I'll +tell you then, what Bunkum is. All over America, every place likes to +hear of its members to Congress, and see their speeches, and if they +don't, they send a piece to the paper, enquirin' if their member died a +nateral death, or was skivered with a bowie knife, for they hante seen +his speeches lately, and his friends are anxious to know his fate. Our +free and enlightened citizens don't approbate silent members; it don't +seem to them as if Squashville, or Punkinville, or Lumbertown was right +represented, unless Squashville, or Punkinville, or Lumbertown, makes +itself heard and known, ay, and feared too. So every feller in bounden +duty, talks, and talks big too, and the smaller the State, the louder, +bigger, and fiercer its members talk. + +"Well, when a critter talks for talk sake, jist to have a speech in +the paper to send to home, and not for any other airthly puppus but +electioneering, our folks call it _Bunkum_. Now the State o' Maine is a +great place for _Bunkum_--its members for years threatened to run foul +of England, with all steam on, and sink her, about the boundary line, +voted a million of dollars, payable in pine logs and spruce boards, up +to Bangor mills--and called out a hundred thousand militia, (only they +never come,) to captur' a saw mill to New Brunswick--that's _Bunkum_. +All that flourish about Right o' Sarch was _Bunkum_--all that brag about +hangin' your Canada sheriff was _Bunkum_. All the speeches about the +Caroline, and Creole, and Right of Sarch, was _Bunkum_, In short, +almost all that's said _in Congress_ in _the colonies_, (for we set +the fashions to them, as Paris galls do to our milliners,) and all over +America is _Bunkum_. + +"Well, they talk Bunkum here too, as well as there. Slavery speeches are +all Bunkum; so are reform speeches, too. Do you think them fellers that +keep up such an everlastin' gab about representation, care one cent +about the extension of franchise? Why no, not they; it's only to secure +their seats to gull their constituents, to get a name. Do you think +them goneys that make such a touss about the Arms' Bill, care about the +Irish? No, not they; they want Irish votes, that's all--it's _Bunkum_. +Do you jist go and mesmerise John Russell, and Macauley, and the other +officers of the regiment of Reformers, and then take the awkward squad +of recruits--fellers that were made drunk with excitement, and then +enlisted with the promise of a shillin', which they never got, the +sargeants having drank it all; go and mesmerise them all, from General +Russell down to Private Chartist, clap 'em into a caterwaulin' or +catalapsin' sleep, or whatever the word is, and make 'em tell the +secrets of their hearts, as Dupotet did the Clear-voyancing gall, and +jist hear what they'll tell you. + +"Lord John will say--'I was sincere!' (and I believe on my soul he was. +He is wrong beyond all doubt, but he is an honest man, and a clever man, +and if he had taken his _own_ way more, and given Powlet Thompson _his_ +less, he would a' been a great colony secretary; and more's the pity +he is in such company. He'll get off his beam ends, and right +himself though, yet, I guess.) Well, he'd say--'I was sincere, I was +disinterested; but I am disappointed. I have awakened a pack of hungry +villains who have sharp teeth, long claws, and the appetite of the +devil. They have swallered all I gave 'em, and now would eat me up +without salt, if they could. Oh, that I could hark back! _there is no +satisfyin' a movement party_.' + +"Now what do the men say, (I don't mean men of rank, but the men in +the ranks),--'Where's all the fine things we were promised when Reform +gained the day?' sais they, 'ay, where are they? for we are wuss off +than ever, now, havin' lost all our old friends, and got bilked by our +new ones tarnationly. What did all their fine speeches end in at last? +Bunkum; damn the thing but Bunkum. + +"But that aint the wust of it, nother. Bunkum, like lyin', is plaguy apt +to make a man believe his own bams at last. From telling 'em so often, +he forgets whether he grow'd 'em or dreamt 'em, and so he stands' +right up on end, kisses the book, and swears to 'em, as positive as the +Irishman did to the gun, which he said he know'd ever since it was a +pistol. Now, _that's Bunkum_. + +"But to get back to what we was a talkin' of, did you ever hear such bad +speakin' in your life, now tell me candid? because if you have, I never +did, that's all. Both sides was bad, it aint easy to say which is wus, +six of one and half a dozen of t'other, nothin to brag of nary way. That +government man, that spoke in their favour, warn't his speech rich? + +"Lord love you! I aint no speaker, I never made but one speech since I +was raised, and that was afore a Slickville legislatur, and then I broke +down. I know'd who I was a talkin' afore; they was men that had cut +their eye-teeth, and that you could'nt pull the wool over their eyes, +nohow you could fix it, and I was young then. Now I'm growed up, I +guess, and I've got my narves in the right place, and as taught as a +drum; and I _could_ speak if I was in the House o' Commons, that's a +fact. If a man was to try there, that was worth any thin', he'd find he +was a flute without knowin' it. They don't onderstand nothin' but Latin +and Greek, and I'd buoy out them sand banks, keep the lead agoin', stick +to the channel, and never take ground, I know. The way I'd cut water +aint no matter. Oh Solomon! what a field for good speakin' that question +was to-night, if they only had half an eye, them fellers, and what +a'most a beautiful mess they made of it on both sides! + +"I ain't a vain man, and never was. You know, Squire, I hante a mossel +of it in my composition; no, if you was to look at me with a ship's +glass you wouldn't see a grease spot of it in me. I don't think any of +us Yankees is vain people; it's a thing don't grow in our diggins. We +have too much sense in a giniral way for that; indeed if we wanted any, +we couldn't get none for love nor money, for John Bull has a monopoly +of it. He won't open the trade. It's a home market he looks to, and the +best of it is, he thinks he hante none to spare. + +"Oh, John Bull, John Bull, when you are full rigged, with your white +cravat and white waistcoat like Young England, and have got your +go-to-meetin' clothes on, if you ain't a sneezer, it's a pity, that's +all. No, I ain't a vain man, I despise it, as I do a nigger; but, +Squire, what a glorious field the subject to-night is for a man that +knows what's what, and was up to snuff, ain't it? Airth and seas! if I +was there, I could speak on either side; for like Waterloo it's a fair +field; it's good ground for both parties. Heavens what a speech I could +make! I'd electrify 'em and kill 'em dead like lightnin', and +then galvanise 'em and fetch' em to life agin, and then give them +exhiliratin' gass and set 'em a larfin', till they fairly wet themselves +agin with cryin'. Wouldn't it be fun, that's all? I could sting Peel +so if I liked, he'd think a galley nipper had bit him, and he'd spring +right off the floor on to the table at one jump, gout or no gout, ravin' +mad with pain and say, 'I'm bit thro' the boot by Gosh;' or if I was +to take his side, for I care so little about the British, all sides is +alike to me, I'd make them Irish members dance like ravin', distractin' +bed bugs. I'd make 'em howl, first wicked and then dismal, I know. + +"But they can't do it, to save their souls alive; some has it in 'em and +can't get it out, physic 'em as you would, first with vanity, and then +with office; others have got a way out, but have nothin' to drive thro' +the gate; some is so timid, they can't go ahead; and others are in such +an infarnal hurry, they spend the whole time in false starts. + +"No, there, is no good oratory to parliament now, and the English brag +so, I doubt if it ever was so good, as they say it was in old times. At +any rate, it's all got down to "Bunkum" now. It's makin' a speech for +newspapers and not for the House. It's to tell on voters and not on +members. Then, what a row they make, don't they? Hear, hear, hear; +divide, divide, divide; oh, oh, oh; haw, haw, haw. It tante much +different from stump oratory in America arter all, or speakin' off a +whiskey barrel, is it? It's a sort of divil me-kear-kind o' audience; +independent critters, that look at a feller full in the face, as sarcy +as the divil; as much as to say, 'Talk away, my old 'coon, you won't +alter me, I can tell you, it's all _Bunkum_.' + +"Lord, I shall never forget poor old Davy Crocket's last speech; there +was no "bunkum" in that. He despised it; all good shots do, they aim +right straight for the mark and hit it. There's no shootin' round the +ring, with them kinder men. Poor old feller, he was a great hunter; a +great shot with the rifle, a great wit, and a great man. He didn't leave +his _span_ behind him, when he slipt off the handle, I know. + +"Well he stood for an election and lost it, just afore he left the +States; so when it was over, he slings his powder horn on, over his +shoulders, takes his "Betsey," which was his best rifle, onder his arm, +and mounts on a barrel, to talk it into his constituents, and take leave +of 'em. + +"'Feller citizens,' sais he, 'we've had a fair stand-up fight for it, +and I'm whipped, that are a fact; and thar is no denyin' of it. I've +come now to take my leave of you. You may all go to H--l, and I'll go to +Texas.' + +"And he stepped right down, and went over the boundary, and jined the +patriots agin Mexico, and was killed there. + +"Why it will never be forgot, that speech. It struck into the bull's eye +of the heart. It was noble. It said so much in a few words, and left +the mind to fill the gaps up. The last words is a sayin' now, and +always will be, to all etarnity. Whenever a feller wants to shew how +indifferent he is, he jist sais, 'you may go to (hem, hem, you know,) +and I'll go to Texas.' There is no _Bunkum_ in that, Squire. + +"Yes, there is no good speakin' there, speakin' is no use. Every +feller is pledged and supports his party. A speech don't alter no man's +opinions; yes it _may_ alter his _opinions_, but it don't alter his +vote, that ain't his'n, it's his party's. Still, there is some credit +in a good speech, and some fun too. No feller there has any ridicule; he +has got no ginger in him, he can neither crack his whip, nor lay it on; +he can neither cut the hide nor sting it. Heavens! if I was there I and +I'm sure it's no great boastin' to say I'm better than such fellers, as +them small fry of white bait is. If I was there, give me a good subject +like that to-night, give me a good horn of lignum vitae--" + +"Lignum vitae--what's that?" + +"Lord-o-massy on us! you don't know nothin', Squire. Where have you been +all your born days, not to know what lignum vitae is? why lignum vitae, +is hot brandy and water to be sure, pipin' hot, scald an iron pot amost, +and spiced with cloves and sugar in it, stiff enough to make a tea-spoon +stand up in it, as straight as a dead nigger. Wine ain't no good, it +goes off as quick as the white beads off of champaign does, and then +leaves a stupid head-ache behind it. But give me the subject and a horn +of lignum vitae (of the wickedest kind), and then let a feller rile me, +so as to get my back up like a fightin' cat's, and I'll tell you +what I'd do, I'd sarve him as our Slickville boys sarve the cows to +California. One on 'em lays hold of the tail, and the other skins her +as she runs strait an eend. Next year, it's all growed ready for another +flayin'. Fact, I assure you. Lord! I'd skin a feller so, his hide would +never grow agin; I'd make a caution of him to sinners, I know. + +"Only hear them fellers now talk of extendin' of the representation; +why the house is a mob now, plaguy little better, I assure you. Like the +house in Cromwell's time, they want "Sam Slick's" purge. But talkin' +of mobs, puts me in mind of a Swoi-ree, I told you I'd describe that to +you, and I don't care if I do now, for I've jist got my talkin' tacks +aboard. A Swoi-ree is-- + +"We'll talk of that some other time, Mr. Slick," said I; "it is now near +two o'clock, I must retire." + +"Well, well," said he, "I suppose it is e'en a'most time to be a movin'. +But, Squire, you are a Britisher, why the plague don't you get into the +house? you know more about colony matters than the whole bilin' of" them +put together, quite as much about other things, and speak like a--" + +"Come, come, Mr. Slick," said I, rising and lighting my bed-room candle, +"it is now high time to bid you good night, for you are beginning to +talk _Bunkum_." + + + + +CHAPTER IX. THROWING THE LAVENDER. + +Mr. Slick's character, like that of many of his countrymen, is not so +easily understood as a person might suppose. We err more often than we +are aware of, when we judge of others by ourselves. English tourists +have all fallen into this mistake, in their, estimate of the Americans. +They judge them by their own standard; they attribute effects to wrong +causes, forgetting that a different tone of feeling, produced by a +different social and political state from their own, must naturally +produce dissimilar results. + +Any person reading the last sketch containing the account, given by Mr. +Slick of the House of Commons, his opinion of his own abilities as a +speaker, and his aspiration after a seat in that body, for the purpose +of "skinning," as he calls it, impertinent or stupid members, could not +avoid coming to the conclusion that he was a conceited block-head; and +that if his countrymen talked in that absurd manner, they must be the +weakest, and most vain-glorious people in the world. + +That he is a vain man, cannot be denied--self-taught men are apt to be +so every where; but those who understand the New England humour, will +at once perceive, that he has spoken in his own name merely as a +personification, and that the whole passage means after all, when +transposed into that phraseology which an Englishman would use, very +little more than this, that the House of Commons presented a noble +field for a man of abilities as a public speaker; but that in fact, it +contained very few such persons. We must not judge of words or phrases, +when used by foreigners, by the sense we attribute to them, but +endeavour to understand the meaning they attach to them themselves. + +In Mexico, if you admire any thing, the proprietor immediately says, +"Pray do me the honour to consider it yours, I shall be most happy, if +you will permit me, to place it upon you, (if it be an ornament), or to +send it to your hotel," if it be of a different description. All +this means in English, a present; in Mexican Spanish, a civil speech, +purporting that the owner is gratified, that it meets the approbation +of his visiter. A Frenchman, who heard this grandiloquent reply to his +praises of a horse, astonished his friend, by thanking him in terms +equally amplified, accepting it, and riding it home. + +Mr. Slick would be no less amazed, if understood literally. He has used +a peculiar style; here again, a stranger would be in error, in supposing +the phraseology common to all Americans. It is peculiar only to a +certain class of persons in a certain state of life, and in a particular +section of the States. Of this class, Mr. Slick is a specimen. I do +not mean to say he is not a vain man, but merely that a portion only of +that, which appears so to us, is vanity, and that the rest and by far +the greater portion too, is local or provincial peculiarity. + +This explanation is due to the Americans, who have been grossly +misrepresented, and to the English, who have been egregiously deceived, +by persons attempting to delineate character, who were utterly incapable +of perceiving those minute lights and shades, without which, a portrait +becomes a contemptible daub, or at most a mere caricature. + +"A droll scene that at the house o' represen_tatives_ last night," said +Mr. Slick when we next met, "warn't it? A sort o' rookery, like that +at the Shropshire Squire's, where I spent the juicy day. What a darned +cau-cau-cawin' they keep, don't they? These members are jist like the +rooks, too, fond of old houses, old woods, old trees, and old harnts. +And they are jist as proud, too, as they be. Cuss 'em, they won't visit +a new man, or new plantation. They are too aristocratic for that. They +have a circle of their own. Like the rooks, too, they are privileged to +scour over the farmers' fields all round home, and play the very devil. + +"And then a fellow can't hear himself speak for 'em; divide, divide, +divide, question, question, question; cau, cau, cau, cau, cau, cau. Oh! +we must go there again. I want you to see Peel, Stanley, Graham, Shiel, +Russell, Macauley, Old Joe, and so on. These men are all upper crust +here. Fust of all, I want to hear your opinion of 'em. I take you to be +a considerable of a good judge in these matters." + +"No Bunkum, Mr. Slick." + +"D---- that word Bunkum! If you say that 'ere agin, I won't say another +syllable, so come now. Don't I know who you are? You know every mite, +and morsel as well as I do, that you be a considerable of a judge of +these critters, though you are nothin' but an outlandish colonist; and +are an everlastin' sight better judge, too, if you come to that, than +them that judge _you_. Cuss 'em, the state would be a nation sight +better sarved, if one o' these old rooks was sent out to try trover for +a goose, and larceny for an old hat, to Nova Scotia, and you was sent +for to take the ribbons o' the state coach here; hang me if it wouldn't. +You know that, and feel your oats, too, as well as any one. So don't be +so infarnal mealy-mouthed, with your mock modesty face, a turnin' up +of the whites of your eyes as if you was a chokin', and savin' 'No +_Bun-kum_, Mr. Slick.' Cuss that word Bunkum! I am sorry I ever told you +that are story, you will be for everlastinly a throwin' up of that are, +to me now. + +"Do you think if I warnted to soft sawder you, I'd take the white-wash +brush to you, and slobber it, on, as a nigger wench does to a board +fence, or a kitchen wall to home, and put your eyes out with the lime? +No, not I; but I could tickel you though, and have done it afore now, +jist for practice, and you warn't a bit the wiser. Lord, I'd take a +camel's-hair brush to you, knowin' how skittish and ticklesome you are, +and do it so it would feel good. I'd make you feel kinder pleasant, I +know, and you'd jist bend your face over to it, and take it as kindly as +a gall does a whisper, when your lips keep jist a brushin' of the cheek +while you are a talkin'. I wouldn't go to shock you by a doin' of it +coarse; you are too quick, and too knowin' for that. You should smell +the otter o' roses, and sniff, sniff it up your nostrils, and say to +yourself, 'How nice that is, ain't it? Come, I like that, how sweet +it stinks!' I wouldn't go for to dash scented water on your face, as a +hired lady does on a winder to wash it, it would make you start back, +take out your pocket-handkercher, and say, "Come, _Mister_ Slick, no +nonsense, if you please." I'd do it delicate, I know my man: I'd use a +light touch, a soft brush, and a smooth oily rouge." + +"Pardon me," I said, "you overrate your own powers, and over-estimate +my vanity. You are flattering yourself now, you can't flatter me, for I +detest it." + +"Creation, man," said Mr. Slick, "I have done it now afore your face, +these last five minutes, and you didn't know it. Well, if that don't +bang the bush. It's tarnation all over that. Tellin' you, you was so +knowin', so shy if touched on the flanks; how difficult you was to +take-in, bein' a sensible, knowin' man, what's that but soft sawder? You +swallowed it all. You took it off without winkin', and opened your mouth +as wide as a young blind robbin does for another worm, and then down +went the Bunkum about making you a Secretary of State, which was rather +a large bolus to swaller, without a draft; down, down it went, like a +greased-wad through a smooth rifle bore; it did, upon my soul. Heavens! +what a take in! what a splendid sleight-of-hand! I never did nothin' +better in all my born days. I hope I may be shot, if I did. Ha! ha! ha! +ain't it rich? Don't it cut six inches on the rib of clear shear, that. +Oh! it's han_sum_, that's a fact." + +"It's no use to talk about it, Mr. Slick," I replied; "I plead guilty. +You took me in then. You touched a weak point. You insensibly flattered +my vanity, by assenting to my self-sufficiency, in supposing I was +exempt from that universal frailty of human nature; you "_threw the +Lavender_" well." + +"I did put the leake into you, Squire, that's a fact," said he; "but let +me alone, I know what I am about; let me talk on, my own way. Swaller +what you like, spit out what is too strong for you; but don't put a +drag-chain on to me, when I am a doin' tall talkin', and set my wheels +as fast as pine stumps. You know me, and I know you. You know my speed, +and I know your bottom don't throw back in the breetchin' for nothin' +that way." + +"Well, as I was a-sayin', I want you to see these great men, as they +call 'em. Let's weigh 'em, and measure 'em, and handle 'em, and then +price 'em, and see what their market valy is. Don't consider 'em as +Tories, or Whigs, or Radicals; we hante got nothin' to do with none o' +them; but consider 'em as statesmen. It's pot-luck with 'em all; take +your fork as the pot biles up, jab it in, and fetch a feller up, see +whether he is beef, pork or mutton; partridge, rabbit or lobster; +what his name, grain and flavour is, and how you like him. Treat 'em +indifferent, and treat 'em independent. + +"I don't care a chaw o' tobacky for the whole on 'em; and none on 'em +care a pinch o' snuff for you or any Hortentort of a colonist that ever +was or ever will be. Lord love you! if you was to write like Scott, and +map the human mind like Bacon, would it advance you a bit in prefarment? +Not it. They have done enough for the colonists, they have turned 'em +upside down, and given 'em responsible government? What more do the +rascals want? Do they ask to be made equal to us? No, look at their +social system, and their political system, and tell 'em your opinion +like a man. You have heard enough of their opinions of colonies, and +suffered enough from their erroneous ones too. You have had Durham +reports, and commissioners' reports, and parliament reports till your +stomach refuses any more on 'em. And what are they? a bundle of mistakes +and misconceptions, from beginnin' to eend. They have travelled by +stumblin', and have measured every thing by the length of their knee, +as they fell on the ground, as a milliner measures lace, by the bendin' +down of the forefinger--cuss 'em! Turn the tables on 'em. Report on +_them_, measure _them_, but take care to keep your feet though, don't be +caught trippin', don't make no mistakes. + +"Then we'll go to the Lords' House--I don't mean to meetin' house, +though we must go there too, and hear Me Neil and Chalmers, and them +sort o' cattle; but I mean the house where the nobles meet, pick out +the big bugs, and see what sort o' stuff they are made of. Let's take +minister with us--he is a great judge of these things. I should like you +to hear his opinion; he knows every thin' a'most, though the ways of the +world bother him a little sometimes; but for valyin' a man, or stating +principles, or talkin' politics, there ain't no man equal to him, +hardly. He is a book, that's a fact; it's all there what you want; all +you've got to do is to cut the leaves. Name the word in the index, he'll +turn to the page, and give you day, date, and fact, for it. There is no +mistake in him. + +"That cussed provokin' visit of yours to Scotland will shove them things +into the next book, I'm afeered. But it don't signify nothin'; you can't +cram all into one, and we hante only broke the crust yet, and p'rhaps +it's as well to look afore you leap too, or you might make as big a fool +of yourself, as some of the Britishers have a-writin' about us and the +provinces. Oh yes, it's a great advantage havin' minister with you. +He'll fell the big stiff trees for you; and I'm the boy for the +saplin's, I've got the eye and the stroke for them. They spring so +confoundedly under the axe, does second growth and underwood, it's +dangerous work, but I've got the sleight o' hand for that, and we'll +make a clean field of it. + +"Then come and survey; take your compass and chain to the ground and +measure, and lay that off--branch and bark the spars for snakin' off the +ground; cord up the fire-wood, tie up the hoop poles, and then burn off +the trash and rubbish. Do it workman-like. Take your time to it as if +you was workin' by the day. Don't hurry, like job work; don't slobber it +over, and leave half-burnt trees and logs strewed about the surface, but +make smack smooth work. Do that, Squire, do it well, and that is, only +half as good as you can, if you choose, and then--" + +"And then," said I, "I make no doubt you will have great pleasure '_in +throwin' the Lavender again_." + + + + +CHAPTER X. AIMING HIGH. + +"What do you intend to do, Squire, with your two youngest boys?" said +Mr. Slick to me to-day, as we were walking in the Park. + +"I design them," I said, "for professions. One I shall educate for a +lawyer, and the other for a clergyman." + +"Where?" + +"In Nova Scotia." + +"Exactly," says he. "It shews your sense; it's the very place for 'em. +It's a fine field for a young man; I don't know no better one no where +in the whole univarsal world. When I was a boy larnin' to shoot, sais +father to me, one day, 'Sam,' sais he, 'I'll give you a lesson in +gunnin' that's worth knowin'. "_Aim high_," my boy; your gun naterally +settles down a little takin' sight, cause your arm gets tired, and +wabbles, and the ball settles a little while it's a travellin', +accordin' to a law of natur, called Franklin's law; and I obsarve you +always hit below the mark. Now, make allowances for these things in +gunnin', and "aim high," for your life, always. And, Sam,' sais he, +'I've seed a great deal of the world, all mili_tary_ men do. 'I was to +Bunker's Hill durin' the engagement, and I saw Washington the day he was +made President, and in course must know more nor most men of my age; +and I'll give you another bit of advice, "Aim high" in life, and if you +don't hit the bull's eye, you'll hit the "fust circles," and that ain't +a bad shot nother.' + +"'Father,' sais I, 'I guess I've seed more of the world than you have, +arter all.' + +"'How so, Sam?' sais he. + +"'Why,' sais I, 'father, you've only been to Bunker's Hill, and that's +nothin'; no part of it ain't too steep to plough; it's only a sizeable +hillock, arter all. But I've been to the Notch on the White Mountain, +so high up, that the snow don't melt there, and seed five States all to +once, and half way over to England, and then I've seed Jim Crow dance. +So there now?' He jist up with the flat of his hand, and gave me a wipe +with it on the side of my face, that knocked me over; and as I fell, he +lent me a kick on my musn't-mention-it, that sent me a rod or so afore I +took ground on all fours. + +"'Take that, you young scoundrel!' said he, 'and larn to speak +respectful next time to an old man, a mili_tary_ man, and your father, +too.' + +"It hurt me properly, you may depend. 'Why,' sais I, as I picked myself +up, 'didn't you tell me to "aim high," father? So I thought I'd do it, +and beat your brag, that's all.' + +"Truth is, Squire, I never could let a joke pass all my life, without +havin' a lark with it. I was fond of one, ever since I was knee high to +a goose, or could recollect any thin' amost; I have got into a horrid +sight of scrapes by 'em, that's a fact. I never forgot that lesson +though, it was kicked into me: and lessons that are larnt on the right +eend, ain't never forgot amost. I _have_ "aimed high" ever since, and +see where I be now. Here I am an Attache, made out of a wooden clock +pedlar. Tell you what, I shall be "embassador" yet, made out of nothin' +but an "Attache," and I'll be President of our great Republic, and +almighty nation in the eend, made out of an embassador, see if I don't. +That comes of "aimin' high." What do you call that water near your +coach-house?" + +"A pond." + +"Is there any brook runnin' in, or any stream runnin' out?" + +"No." + +"Well, that's the difference between a lake and a pond. Now, set that +down for a traveller's fact. Now, where do you go to fish?" + +"To the lakes, of course; there are no fish in the ponds." + +"Exactly," said Mr. Slick, "that is what I want to bring you to; there +is no fish in a pond, there is nothin' but frogs. Nova Scotia is only +a pond, and so is New Brunswick, and such outlandish, out o' the way, +little crampt up, stagnant places. There is no 'big fish' there, nor +never can be; there ain't no food for 'em. A colony frog!! Heavens and +airth, what an odd fish that is? A colony pollywog! do, for gracious +sake, catch one, put him into a glass bottle full of spirits, and send +him to the Museum as a curiosity in natur. So you are a goin' to make +your two nice pretty little smart boys a pair of colony frogs, eh? Oh! +do, by all means. + +"You'll have great comfort in 'em, Squire. Monstrous comfort. It will +do your old heart good to go down to the edge of the pond on the fust of +May, or thereabouts, accordin' to the season, jist at sun down, and hear +'em sing. You'll see the little fellers swell out their cheeks, and roar +away like young suckin' thunders. For the frogs beat all natur there for +noise; they have no notion of it here at all. I've seed Englishmen that +couldn't sleep all night, for the everlastin' noise these critters made. +Their frogs have somethin' else to do here besides singin'. Ain't it a +splendid prospect that, havin' these young frogs settled all round you +in the same mud-hole, all gathered in a nice little musical family +party. All fine fun this, till some fine day we Yankee storks will come +down and gobble them all up, and make clear work of it. + +"No, Squire, take my advice now for once; jist go to your colony +minister when he is alone. Don't set down, but stand up as if you was in +airnest, and didn't come to gossip, and tell him, 'Turn these ponds into +a lake,' sais you, my lord minister, give them an inlet and an outlet. +Let them be kept pure, and sweet, and wholesome, by a stream, runnin' +through. Fish will live there then if you put them in, and they will +breed there, and keep up the stock. At present they die; it ain't big +enough; there ain't room. If he sais he hante time to hear you, and asks +you to put it into writin', do you jist walk over to his table, take up +his lignum vitae ruler into your fist, put your back to the door, and +say 'By the 'tarnal empire, you _shall_ hear me; you don't go out of +this, till I give you the butt eend of my mind, I can tell you. I am an +old bull frog now; the Nova Scotia pond is big enough for me; I'll get +drowned if I get into a bigger one, for I hante got no fins, nothin' but +legs and arms to swim with, and deep water wouldn't suit me, I ain't fit +for it, and I must live and die there, that's my fate as sure as rates.' +If he gets tired, and goes to get up or to move, do you shake the big +ruler at him, as fierce as a painter, and say, 'Don't you stir for your +life; I don't want to lay nothin' _on_ your head, I only want to put +somethin' _in_ it. I am a father and have got youngsters. I am a native, +and have got countrymen. Enlarge our sphere, give us a chance in the +world.' 'Let me out,' he'll say, 'this minute, Sir, or I'll put you in +charge of a policeman.' 'Let you out is it,' sais you. 'Oh! you feel +bein' pent up, do you? I am glad of it. The tables are turned now, +that's what we complain of. You've stood at the door, and kept us in; +now I'll keep you in awhile. I want to talk to you, that's more than you +ever did to us. How do you like bein' shut in? Does it feel good? Does +it make your dander rise?' 'Let me out,' he'll say agin, 'this moment, +Sir, how dare you.' Oh! you are in a hurry, are you?' sais you. 'You've +kept me in all my life; don't be oneasy if I keep you in five minutes.' + +"'Well, what do you want then?' he'll say, kinder peevish; 'what do you +want?' 'I don't want nothin' for myself,' sais you. 'I've got all I +can get in that pond; and I got that from the Whigs, fellers I've been +abusin' all my life; and I'm glad to make amends by acknowledging this +good turn they did me; for I am a tory, and no mistake. I don't want +nothin'; but I want to be an _Englishman_. I don't want to be an +English _subject_; do you understand that now? If you don't, this is the +meanin', that there is no fun in bein' a fag, if you are never to have a +fag yourself. Give us all fair play. Don't move now,' sais you, 'for I'm +gettin' warm; I'm gettin' spotty on the back, my bristles is up, and I +might hurt you with this ruler; it's a tender pint this, for I've rubbed +the skin off of a sore place; but I'll tell you a gospel truth, and mind +what I tell you, for nobody else has sense enough, and if they had, they +hante courage enough. If you don't make _Englishmen of us_, the force of +circumstances will _make Yankees_ of us, as sure as you are born.' He'll +stare at that. He is a clever man, and aint wantin' in gumption. He +is no fool, that's a fact. 'Is it no compliment to you and your +institutions this?' sais you. 'Don't it make you feel proud that even +independence won't tempt us to dissolve the connexion? Ain't it a noble +proof of your good qualities that, instead of agitatin' for Repeal of +the Union, we want a closer union? But have we no pride too? We would be +onworthy of the name of Englishmen, if we hadn't it, and we won't stand +beggin' for ever I tell _you_. Here's our hands, give us yourn; let's +be all Englishmen together. Give us a chance, and if us, young English +boys, don't astonish you old English, my name ain't Tom Poker, that's +all.' 'Sit down,' he'll say, 'Mr. Poker;' there is a great deal in that; +sit down; I am interested.' + +"The instant he sais that, take your ruler, lay it down on the table, +pick up your hat, make a scrape with your hind leg, and say, 'I regret +I have detained you so long, Sir. I am most peskily afraid my warmth +has kinder betrayed me into rudeness. I really beg pardon, I do upon +my soul. I feel I have smashed down all decency, I am horrid ashamed of +myself.' Well, he won't say you hante rode the high hoss, and done the +unhandsum thing, because it wouldn't be true if he did; but he'll say, +'Pray be seated. I can make allowances, Sir, even for intemperate zeal. +And this is a very important subject, very indeed. There is a monstrous +deal in what you say, though you have, I must say, rather a peculiar, +an unusual, way of puttin' it.' Don't you stay another minit though, +nor say another word, for your life; but bow, beg pardon, hold in your +breath, that your face may look red, as if you was blushin', and back +out, starn fust. Whenever you make an impression on a man, stop; your +reasonin' and details may ruin you. Like a feller who sais a good thing, +he'd better shove off, and leave every one larfin' at his wit, than stop +and tire them out, till they say what a great screw augur that is. Well, +if you find he opens the colonies, and patronises the smart folks, leave +your sons there if you like, and let 'em work up, and work out of it, if +they are fit, and time and opportunity offers. But one thing is sartain, +_the very openin' of the door will open their minds_, as a matter of +course. If he don't do it, and I can tell you before hand he won't--for +they actilly hante got time here, to think of these things--send your +boys here into the great world. Sais you to the young Lawyer, 'Bob,' +sais you, '"aim high." If you don't get to be Lord Chancellor, I shall +never die in peace. I've set my heart on it. It's within your reach, if +you are good for anything. Let me see the great seal--let me handle it +before I die--do, that's a dear; if not, go back to your Colony pond, +and sing with your provincial frogs, and I hope to Heaven the fust +long-legged bittern that comes there will make a supper of you." + +"Then sais you to the young parson, 'Arthur,' sais you 'Natur jist +made you for a clergyman. Now, do you jist make yourself 'Archbishop of +Canterbury.' My death-bed scene will be an awful one, if I don't see you +'the Primate'; for my affections, my hopes, my heart, is fixed on it. +I shall be willin' to die then, I shall depart in peace, and leave this +world happy. And, Arthur,' sais you, 'they talk and brag here till one +is sick of the sound a'most about "Addison's death-bed." Good people +refer to it as an example, authors as a theatrical scene and hypocrites +as a grand illustration for them to turn up the whites of their cold +cantin' eyes at. Lord love you, my son,' sais you, 'let them brag of it; +but what would it be to mine; you congratulatin' me on goin' to a better +world, and me congratulatin' you on bein' "Archbishop." Then,' sais you, +in a starn voice like a boatsan's trumpet--for if you want things to be +remembered, give 'em effect, "Aim high," Sir,' sais you. Then like my +old father, fetch him a kick on his western eend, that will lift him +clean over the table, and say 'that's the way to rise in the world, you +young sucking parson you. "Aim high," Sir.' + +"Neither of them will ever forget it as long as they live. The hit does +that; for a kick is a very _striking_ thing, that's a fact. There +has been _no good scholars since birch rods went out o' school, and +sentiment went in_." + +"But you know," I said, "Mr. Slick, that those high prizes in the +lottery of life, can, in the nature of things, be drawn but by few +people, and how many blanks are there to one-prize in this world." + +"Well, what's to prevent your boys gettin' those prizes, if colonists +was made Christians of, instead of outlawed, exiled, transported, +oncarcumcised heathen Indgean niggers, as they be. If people don't put +into a lottery, how the devil can they get prizes? will you tell +me that. Look at the critters here, look at the publicans, taylors, +barbers, and porters' sons, how the've rose here, 'in this big lake,' +to be chancellors and archbishops; how did they get them? They 'aimed +high,' and besides, all that, like father's story of the gun, by 'aiming +high,' though they may miss the mark, they will be sure to hit the +upper circles. Oh, Squire, there is nothing like 'aiming high,' in this +world." + +"I quite agree with you, Sam," said Mr. Hopewell. "I never heard you +speak so sensibly before. Nothing can be better for young men than +"Aiming high." Though they may not attain to the highest honours, +they may, as you say, reach to a most respectable station. But surely, +Squire, you will never so far forget the respect that is due to so high +an officer as a Secretary of State, or, indeed, so far forget yourself +as to adopt a course, which from its eccentricity, violence, and +impropriety, must leave the impression that your intellects are +disordered. Surely you will never be tempted to make the experiment?" + +"I should think not, indeed," I said. "I have no desire to become an +inmate of a lunatic asylum." + +"Good," said he; "I am satisfied. I quite agree with Sam, though. +Indeed, I go further. I do not think he has advised you to recommend +your boys to 'aim high enough.'" + +"Creation! said Mr. Slick, "how much higher do you want provincial frogs +to go, than to be 'Chancellor' and 'Primate?' + +"I'll tell you, Sam; I'd advise them to 'aim higher' than earthly +honours. I would advise them to do their duty, in any station of life in +which it shall please Providence to place them; and instead of striving +after unattainable objects here, to be unceasing in their endeavours to +obtain that which, on certain conditions, is promised to all hereafter. +In their worldly pursuits, as men, it is right for them to '_aim high_;' +but as Christians, it is also their duty to '_aim higher_.'" + + + + +CHAPTER XI. A SWOI-REE. + +Mr. Slick visited me late last night, dressed as if he had been at a +party, but very cross, and, as usual when in that frame of mind, he +vented his ill-humour on the English. + +"Where have you been to-night, Mr. Slick?" + +"Jist where the English hosses will be," he replied, "when Old Clay +comes here to this country;--no where. I have been on a stair-case, +that's where I have been; and a pretty place to see company in, ain't +it? I have been jammed to death in an entry, and what's wus than all, I +have given one gall a black eye with my elbow, tore another one's frock +off with my buttons, and near about cut a third one's leg in two with my +hat. Pretty well for one night's work, ain't it? and for me too, that's +so fond of the dear little critturs, I wouldn't hurt a hair of their +head, if I could help it, to save my soul alive. What a spot o' work! + +"What the plague do people mean here by askin' a mob to their house, +and invitin' twice as many as can get into it? If they think it's +complimental, they are infarnally mistaken, that's all: it's an insult +and nothin' else, makin' a fool of a body that way. Heavens and airth! I +am wringing wet! I'm ready to faint! Where's the key of your cellaret? I +want some brandy and water. I'm dead; bury me quick, for I won't be +nice directly. Oh dear! how that lean gall hurt me! How horrid sharp her +bones are! + +"I wish to goodness you'd go to a Swoi-ree oncet, Squire, jist oncet--a +grand let off, one that's upper crust and rael jam. It's worth seein' +oncet jist as a show, I tell _you_, for you have no more notion of it +than a child. All Halifax, if it was swept up clean and shook out into a +room, wouldn't make one swoi-ree. I have been to three to night, and all +on 'em was mobs--regular mobs. The English are horrid fond of mobs, and +I wonder at it too; for of all the cowardly, miserable, scarry mobs, +that ever was seen in this blessed world, the English is the wust. +Two dragoons will clear a whole street as quick as wink, any time. The +instant they see 'em, they jist run like a flock of sheep afore a couple +of bull dogs, and slope off properly skeered. Lawful heart, I wish +they'd send for a dragoon, all booted, and spurred, and mounted, and let +him gallop into a swoi-ree, and charge the mob there. He'd clear 'em out +_I_ know, double quick: he'd chase one quarter of 'em down stairs head +over heels, and another quarter would jump out o' the winders, and break +their confounded necks to save their lives, and then the half that's +left, would he jist about half too many for comfort. + +"My first party to-night wus a conversation one; that is for them that +_could_ talk; as for me I couldn't talk a bit, and all I could think +was, 'how infarnal hot it is! I wish I could get in!' or, 'oh dear, if +I could only get out!' It was a scientific party, a mob o' men. Well, +every body expected somebody would be squashed to death, and so ladies +went, for they always go to executions. They've got a kinder nateral +taste for the horrors, have women. They like to see people hanged or +trod to death, when they can get a chance. It _was_ a conversation +warn't it? that's all. I couldn't understand a word I heard. Trap shale +Greywachy; a petrified snail, the most important discovery of modern +times. Bank governor's machine weighs sovereigns, light ones go to the +right, and heavy ones to the left. + +"'Stop,' says I, 'if you mean the sovereign people here, there are none +on 'em light. Right and left is both monstrous heavy; all over weight, +every one on 'em. I'm squeezed to death.' + +"'Very good, Mr. Slick. Let me introduce you to ----,' they are whipt +off in the current, and I don't see 'em again no more. 'A beautiful shew +of flowers, Madam, at the garden: they are all in full blow now. The +rhododendron--had a tooth pulled when she was asleep.' 'Please to let me +pass, Sir.' 'With all my heart, Miss, if I could; but I can't move; if I +could I would down on the carpet, and you should walk over me. Take care +of your feet, Miss, I am off of mine. Lord bless me! what's this? why as +I am a livin' sinner, it's half her frock hitched on to my coat button. +Now I know what that scream meant.' + +"'How do you do, Mr. Slick? When did you come?' 'Why I came--' he +is turned round, and shoved out o' hearin.' 'Xanthian marbles at the +British Museum are quite wonderful; got into his throat, the doctor +turned him upside down, stood him on his head, and out it came--his own +tunnel was too small.' 'Oh, Sir, you are cuttin' me.' 'Me, Miss! Where +had I the pleasure of seein' you before, I never cut a lady in my life, +could'nt do so rude a thing. Havn't the honour to recollect you.' 'Oh, +Sir, take it away, it cuts me.' Poor thing, she is distracted, I don't +wonder. She's drove crazy, though I think she must have been mad to come +here at all. 'Your hat, Sir.' 'Oh, that cussed French hat is it? Well, +the rim is as stiff and as sharp as a cleaver, that's a fact, I don't +wonder it cut you.' 'Eddis's pictur--capital painting, fell out of the +barge, and was drowned.' 'Having been beat on the shillin' duty; they +will attach him on the fourpence, and thimble rigg him out of that.' +'They say Sugden is in town, hung in a bad light, at the Temple +Church.'----'Who is that?' 'Lady Fobus; paired off for the Session; +Brodie operated.'----Lady Francis; got the Life Guards; there will be +a division to-night.'----That's Sam Slick; I'll introduce you; +made a capital speech in the House of Lords, in answer to +Brougham--Lobelia--voted for the bill--The Duchess is very fond +of----Irish Arms--' + +"Oh! now I'm in the entry. How tired I am! It feels shockin' cold here, +too, arter comin' out o' that hot room. Guess I'll go to the grand +musical party. Come, this will do; this is Christian-like, there is room +here; but the singin' is in next room, I will go and hear them. Oh! here +they are agin; it's a proper mob this. Cuss, these English, they can't +live out of mobs. Prince Albert is there in that room; I must go and see +him. He is popular; he is a renderin' of himself very agreeable to the +English, is Prince: he mixes with them as much as he can; and shews +his sense in that. Church steeples are very pretty things: that one to +Antwerp is splendiriferous; it's everlastin' high, it most breaks your +neck layin' back your head to look at it; bend backward like a hoop, and +stare at it once with all your eyes, and you can't look up agin, you are +satisfied. It tante no use for a Prince to carry a head so high as that, +Albert knows this; he don't want to be called the highest steeple, +cause all the world knows he is about the top loftiest; but he want's to +descend to the world we live in. + +"With a Queen all men love, and a Prince all men like, royalty has a +root in the heart here. Pity, too, for the English don't desarve to have +a Queen; and such a Queen as they have got too, hang me if they do. They +ain't men, they hante the feelin's or pride o' men in 'em; they ain't +what they used to be, the nasty, dirty, mean-spirited, sneakin' skunks, +for if they had a heart as big as a pea--and that ain't any great size, +nother--cuss 'em, when any feller pinted a finger at her to hurt her, or +even frighten her, they'd string him right up on the spot, to the lamp +post. Lynch him like a dog that steals sheep right off the reel, and +save mad-doctors, skary judges, and Chartist papers all the trouble of +findin' excuses. And, if that didn't do, Chinese like, they'd take the +whole crowd present and sarve _them_ out. They'd be sure to catch the +right one then. I wouldn't shed blood, because that's horrid; it shocks +all Christian people, philosophisin' legislators, sentimental ladies, +and spooney gentlemen. It's horrid barbarous that, is sheddin' blood; I +wouldn't do that, I'd jist hang him. A strong cord tied tight round his +neck would keep that precious mixtur, traitor's blood, all in as close +as if his mouth was corked, wired, and white-leaded, like a champagne +bottle. + +"Oh dear! these are the fellers that come out a travellin' among us, +and sayin' the difference atween you and us is 'the absence of loyalty.' +I've heard tell a great deal of that loyalty, but I've seen precious +little of it, since I've been here, that's a fact. I've always told you +these folks ain't what they used to be, and I see more and more, on +'em every day. Yes, the English are like their hosses, they are so fine +bred, there is nothin' left of 'em now but the hide, hair, and shoes. + +"So Prince Albert is there in that room; I must get in there and see +him, for I have never sot eyes on him since I've been here, so here +goes. Onder, below there, look out for your corns, hawl your feet in, +like turtles, for I am a comin'. Take care o' your ribs, my old 'coons, +for my elbows are crooked. Who wants to grow? I'll squeeze you out as a +rollin'-pin does dough, and make you ten inches taller. I'll make good +figures of you, my fat boys and galls, I know. Look out for scaldin's +there. Here I am: it's me, Sam Slick, make way, or I'll walk right over +you, and cronch you like lobsters. 'Cheap talkin', or rather thinkin', +sais I; for in course I couldn't bawl that out in company here; they +don't understand fun, and would think it rude, and ongenteel. I have to +be shockin' cautious what I say here, for fear I might lower our great +nation in the eyes of foreigners. I have to look big and talk big the +whole blessed time, and I am tired of it. It ain't nateral to me; and, +besides braggin' and repudiatin' at the same time, is most as bad as +cantin' and swearin'. It kinder chokes me. I thought it all though, and +said it all to myself. 'And,' sais I, 'take your time, Sam; you can't do +it, no how, you can fix-it. You must wait your time, like other folks. +Your legs is tied, and your arms is tied down by the crowd, and you +can't move an inch beyond your nose. The only way is, watch your chance, +wait till you can get your hands up, then turn the fust two persons +that's next to you right round, and slip between them like a turn stile +in the park, and work your passage that way. Which is the Prince? That's +him with the hair carefully divided, him with the moustaches. I've seed +him; a plaguy handsum man he is, too. Let me out now. I'm stifled, I'm +choked. My jaws stick together, I can't open 'em no more; and my wind +won't hold out another minute. + +"I have it now, I've got an idea. See if I don't put the leake into +'em. Won't I _do_ them, that's all? Clear the way there, the Prince is a +comin', _and_ so is the Duke. And a way is opened: waves o' the sea roll +hack at these words, and I walks right out, as large as life, and the +fust Egyptian that follers is drowned, for the water has closed +over him. Sarves him right, too, what business had he to grasp my +life-preserver without leave. I have enough to do to get along by my own +wit, without carry in' double. + +"'Where is the Prince? Didn't they say he was a comin'? Who was that +went out? He don't look like the Prince; he ain't half so handsum, that +feller, he looks, like a Yankee.' 'Why, that was Sam Slick.' 'Capital, +that! What a droll feller he is; he is always so ready! He desarves +credit for that trick.' Guess I do; but let old Connecticut alone; +us Slickville boys always find a way to dodge in or out embargo or no +embargo, blockade or no blockade, we larnt that last war. + +"Here I am in the street agin; the air feels handsum. I have another +invitation to-night, shall I go? Guess I will. All the world is at these +two last places, I reckin there will be breathin' room at the next; and +I want an ice cream to cool my coppers, shockin' bad.--Creation! It is +wus than ever; this party beats t'other ones all holler. They ain't no +touch to it. I'll jist go and make a scrape to old uncle and aunty, and +then cut stick; for I hante strength to swiggle my way through another +mob. + +"'You had better get in fust, though, hadn't you, Sam? for here you +are agin wracked, by gosh, drove right slap ashore atween them two fat +women, and fairly wedged in and bilged. You can't get through, and can't +get out, if you was to die for it.' 'Can't I though? I'll try; for I +never give in, till I can't help it. So here's at it. Heave off, put +all steam on, and back out, starn fust, and then swing round into the +stream. That's the ticket, Sam.' It's done; but my elbow has took that +lady that's two steps furder down on the stairs, jist in the eye, and +knocked in her dead light. How she cries! how I apologize, don't I? +And the more I beg pardon, the wus she carries on. But it's no go; if I +stay, I must fust fight somebody, and then marry _her_; for I've spiled +her beauty, and that's the rule here, they tell me.' + +"So I sets studen sail booms, and cracks on all sail, and steers for +home, and here I am once more; at least what's left of me, and that +ain't much more nor my shader. Oh dear! I'm tired, shockin' tired, +almost dead, and awful thirsty; for Heaven's sake, give me some lignum +vitae, for I am so dry, I'll blow away in dust. + +"This is a Swoi-ree, Squire, this is London society; this is rational +enjoyment, this is a meeting of friends, who are so infarnal friendly +they are jammed together so they can't leave each other. Inseparable +friends; you must choke 'em off, or you can't part 'em. Well, I ain't +jist so thick and intimate with none o' them in this country as all that +comes to nother. I won't lay down my life for none on 'em; I don't see +no occasion for it, _do you_? + +"I'll dine with you, John Bull, if you axe me; and I ain't nothin' above +particular to do, and the cab hire don't cost more nor the price of a +dinner; but hang me if ever I go to a Swoi-ree agin. I've had enough of +that, to last me _my_ life, I know. A dinner I hante no objection to, +though that ain't quite so bright as a pewter button nother, when you +don't know you're right and left, hand man. And an evenin' party, I +wouldn't take my oath I wouldn't go to, though I don't know hardly what +to talk about, except America; and I've bragged so much about that, I'm +tired of the subject. But a _Swoi-ree is the devil, that's a fact_." + + + + +CHAPTER XII. TATTERSALL'S OR, THE ELDER AND THE GRAVE DIGGER. + +"Squire," said Mr. Slick, "it ain't rainin' to-day; suppose you come +along with me to Tattersall's. I have been studyin' that place a +considerable sum to see whether it is a safe shop to trade in or no. But +I'm dubersome; I don't like the cut of the sportin' folks here. If I can +see both eends of the rope, and only one man has hold of one eend, and +me of the tother, why I know what I am about; but if I can only see my +own eend, I don't know who I am a pullin' agin. I intend to take a rise +out o' some o' the knowin' ones here, that will make 'em scratch their +heads, and stare, I know. But here we are. Cut round this corner, into +this Lane. Here it is; this is it to the right." + +We entered a sort of coach-yard, which was filled with a motley and +mixed crowd of people. I was greatly disappointed in Tattersall's. +Indeed, few things in London have answered my expectations. They have +either exceeded or fallen short of the description I had heard of them. +I was prepared, both from what I was told by Mr. Slick, and heard, from +others, to find that there were but very few gentlemen-like looking men +there; and that by far the greater number neither were, nor affected to +be, any thing but "knowing ones." I was led to believe that there +would be a plentiful use of the terms _of art_, a variety of provincial +accent, and that the conversation of the jockeys and grooms would be +liberally garnished with appropriate slang. + +The gentry portion of the throng, with some few exceptions, it was said, +wore a dissipated look, and had that peculiar appearance of incipient +disease, that indicates a life of late hours, of excitement, and +bodily exhaustion. Lower down in the scale of life, I was informed, +intemperance had left its indelible marks. And that still further down, +were to be found the worthless lees of this foul and polluted stream of +sporting gentlemen, spendthrifts, gamblers, bankrupts, sots, sharpers +and jockeys. + +This was by no means the case. It was just what a man might have +expected to have found a great sporting exchange and auction mart, of +horses and carriages, to have been, in a great city like London, had he +been merely told that such was the object of the place, and then left +to imagine the scene. It was, as I have before said, a mixed and motley +crowd; and must necessarily be so, where agents attend to bid for their +principals, where servants are in waiting upon their masters, and above +all, where the ingress is open to every one. + +It is, however, unquestionably the resort of gentlemen. In a great and +rich country like this, there must, unavoidably, be a Tattersall's; and +the wonder is, not that it is not better, but that it is not infinitely +worse. Lake all striking pictures, it had strong lights and shades. +Those who have suffered, are apt to retaliate; and a man who has been +duped, too often thinks he has a right to make reprisals. Tattersall's, +therefore, is not without its privateers. Many persons of rank and +character patronize sporting, from a patriotic but mistaken notion, +that it is to the turf alone the excellence of the English horse is +attributable. + +One person of this description, whom I saw there for a short time, I had +the pleasure of knowing before; and from him I learned many interesting +anecdotes of individuals whom he pointed out as having been once well +known about town, but whose attachment to gambling had effected their +ruin. Personal stories of this kind are, however, not within the scope +of this work. + +As soon as we entered, Mr. Slick called my attention to the carriages +which were exhibited for sale, to their elegant shape and "beautiful +fixins," as he termed it; but ridiculed, in no measured terms, their +enormous weight. "It is no wonder," said he, "they have to get fresh +hosses here every ten miles, and travellin' costs so much, when the +carriage alone is enough to kill beasts. What would Old Bull say, if +I was to tell him of one pair of hosses carryin' three or four people, +forty or fifty miles a-day, day in and day out, hand runnin' for a +fortnight? Why, he'd either be too civil to tell me it was a lie, or +bein' afeerd I'd jump down his throat if he did, he'd sing dumb, and let +me see by his looks, he thought so, though. + +"I intend to take the consait out of these chaps, and that's a fact. If +I don't put the leak into 'em afore I've done with them, my name ain't +Sam Slick, that's a fact. I'm studyin' the ins and the outs of this +place, so as to know what I am about, afore I take hold; for I feel +kinder skittish about my men. Gentlemen are the lowest, lyinest, +bullyinest, blackguards there is, when they choose to be; 'specially if +they have rank as well as money. A thoroughbred cheat, of good blood, +is a clipper, that's a fact. They ain't right up-and-down, like a cow's +tail, in their dealin's; and they've got accomplices, fellers that +will lie for 'em like any thing, for the honour of their company; and +bettin', onder such circumstances, ain't safe. + +"But, I'll tell you what is, if you have got a hoss that can do it, and +no mistake: back him, hoss agin hoss, or what's safer still, hoss agin +time, and you can't be tricked. Now, I'll send for Old Clay, to come in +Cunard's steamer, and cuss 'em they ought to bring over the old hoss and +his fixins, free, for it was me first started that line. The way old Mr. +Glenelg stared, when I told him it was thirty-six miles shorter to go +from Bristol to New York by the way of Halifax, than to go direct warn't +slow. It stopt steam for that hitch, that's a fact, for he thort I was +mad. He sent it down to the Admiralty to get it ciphered right, and it +took them old seagulls, the Admirals a month to find it out. + +"And when they did, what did they say? Why, cuss 'em, says they, 'any +fool knows that.' Says I, 'If that's the case you are jist the boys then +that ought to have found it out right off at oncet.' + +"Yes, Old Clay ought to go free, but he won't; and guess I am able to +pay freight for him, and no thanks to nobody. Now, I'll tell you what, +English trottin' is about a mile in two minutes and forty-seven seconds, +and that don't happen oftener than oncet in fifty years, if it was ever +done at all, for the English brag so there is no telling right. Old Clay +_can_ do his mile in two minutes and thirty-eight seconds. He _has_ done +that, and I guess he _could_ do more. I have got a car, that is as light +as whalebone, and I'll bet to do it with wheels and drive myself. I'll +go in up to the handle, on Old Clay. I have a hundred thousand dollars +of hard cash made in the colonies, I'll go half of it on the old hoss, +hang me if I don't, and I'll make him as well knowd to England as he is +to Nova Scotia. + +"I'll allow him to be beat at fust, so as to lead 'em on, and Clay is +as cunnin' as a coon too, if he don't get the word g'lang (go along) +and the Indgian skelpin' yell with it, he knows I ain't in airnest, and +he'll allow me to beat him and bully him like nothin'. He'll pretend to +do his best, and sputter away like a hen scratchin' gravel, but he won't +go one mossel faster, for he knows I never lick a free hoss. + +"Won't it be beautiful? How they'll all larf and crow, when they see me +a thrashin' away at the hoss, and then him goin' slower, the faster I +thrash, and me a threatenin' to shoot the brute, and a talkin' at the +tip eend of my tongue like a ravin' distracted bed bug, and offerin' +to back him agin, if they dare, and planken down the pewter all round, +takin' every one up that will go the figur', till I raise the bets to +the tune of fifty thousand dollars. When I get that far, they may +stop their larfin' till next time, I guess. That's the turn of the +fever--that's the crisis--that's my time to larf then. + +"I'll mount the car then, take the bits of list up, put 'em into right +shape, talk a little Connecticut Yankee to the old hoss, to set his +ebenezer up, and make him rise inwardly, and then give the yell," (which +he uttered in his excitement in earnest; and a most diabolical one it +was. It pierced me through and through, and curdled my very blood, it +was the death shout of a savage.) "G'lang you skunk, and turn out your +toes pretty," said he, and he again repeated this long protracted, +shrill, infernal yell, a second time. + +Every eye was instantly turned upon us. Even Tattersall suspended his +"he is five years old--a good hack--and is to be sold," to give time for +the general exclamation of surprise. "Who the devil is that? Is he +mad? Where did _he_ come from? Does any body know him? He is a devilish +keen-lookin' fellow that; what an eye he has! He looks like a Yankee, +that fellow." + +"He's been here, your honour, several days, examines every thing and +says nothing; looks like a knowing one, your honour. He handles a hoss +as if he'd seen one afore to-day, Sir." + +"Who is that gentleman with him?" + +"Don't know, your honour, never saw him before; he looks like a +furriner, too." + +"Come, Mr. Slick," said I, "we are attracting too much attention here, +let us go." + +"Cuss 'em," said he, "I'll attract more attention afore I've done yet, +when Old Clay comes, and then I'll tell 'em who I am--Sam Slick, +from Slickville, Onion County, State of Connecticut, United States of +America. But I do suppose we had as good make tracks, for I don't want +folks to know me yet. I'm plaguy sorry I let put that countersign of Old +Clay too, but they won't onderstand it. Critters like the English, that +know everything have generally weak eyes, from studyin' so hard. + +"Did you take notice of that critter I was a handlin' of, Squire? that +one that's all drawed up in the middle like a devil's darnin' needle; +her hair a standin' upon eend as if she was amazed at herself, and +a look out of her eye, as if she thort the dogs would find the steak +kinder tough, when they got her for dinner. Well, that's a great mare +that 'are, and there ain't nothin' onder the sun the matter of her, +except the groom has stole her oats, forgot to give her water, and let +her make a supper sometimes off of her nasty, mouldy, filthy beddin'. I +hante see'd a hoss here equal to her a'most--short back, beautiful rake +to the shoulder, great depth of chest, elegant quarter, great stifle, +amazin' strong arm, monstrous nice nostrils, eyes like a weasel, all +outside, game ears, first chop bone and fine flat leg, with no gum on no +part of it. She's a sneezer that; but she'll be knocked down for twenty +or thirty pound, because she looks as if she was used up. + +"I intended to a had that mare, for I'd a made her worth twelve hundred +dollars. It was a dreadful pity, I let go, that time, for I actilly +forgot where I was. I'll know better next hitch, for boughten wit is +the best in a general way. Yes, I'm peskily sorry about that mare. Well, +swappin' I've studied, but I doubt if it's as much the fashion here as +with us; and besides, swappin' where you don't know the county and its +tricks, (for every county has its own tricks, different from others), is +dangersome too. I've seen swaps where both sides got took in. Did ever I +tell you the story of the "Elder and the grave-digger?" + +"Never," I replied; "but here we are at our lodgings. Come in, and tell +it to me." + +"Well," said he, "I must have a glass of mint julip fust, to wash down +that ere disappointment about the mare. It was a dreadful go that. I +jist lost a thousand dollars by it, as slick as grease. But it's an +excitin' thing is a trottin' race, too. When you mount, hear the word +'Start!' and shout out 'G'lang!' and give the pass word." + +Good heavens! what a yell he perpetrated again. I put both hands to my +ears, to exclude the reverberations of it from the walls. + +"Don't be skeered, Squire; don't be skeered. We are alone now: there is +no mare to lose. Ain't it pretty? It makes me feel all dandery and on +wires like." + +"But the grave-digger?" said I. + +"Well," says he, "the year afore I knowed you, I was a-goin' in the +fall, down to Clare, about sixty miles below Annapolis, to collect some +debts due to me there from the French. And as I was a-joggin' on along +the road, who should I overtake but Elder Stephen Grab, of Beechmeadows, +a mounted on a considerable of a clever-lookin' black mare. The Elder +was a pious man; at least he looked like one, and spoke like one too. +His face was as long as the moral law, and p'rhaps an inch longer, and +as smooth as a hone; and his voice was so soft and sweet, and his tongue +moved so ily on its hinges, you'd a thought you might a trusted him with +ontold gold, if you didn't care whether you ever got it agin or no. He +had a bran new hat on, with a brim that was none of the smallest, to +keep the sun from makin' his inner man wink, and his go-to-meetin' +clothes on, and a pair of silver mounted spurs, and a beautiful white +cravat, tied behind, so as to have no bows to it, and look meek. If +there was a good man on airth, you'd a said it was him. And he seemed to +feel it, and know it too, for there was a kind of look o' triumph about +him, as if he had conquered the Evil One, and was considerable well +satisfied with himself. + +"'H'are you,' sais I, 'Elder, to-day? Which way are you from?" + +"'From the General Christian Assembly, sais he, 'to Goose Creek. We had +a "_most refreshin' time on't_." There was a great "_outpourin' of the +spirit_."' + +"'Well, that's awful,' says I, 'too. The magistrates ought to see to +that; it ain't right, when folks assemble that way to worship, to be +a-sellin' of rum; and gin, and brandy, and spirits, is it?' + +"'I don't mean that,' sais he, 'although, p'rhaps, there was too much of +that wicked traffic too, I mean the preachin'. It was very peeowerful; +there was "_many sinners saved_." + +"'I guess there was plenty of room for it,' sais I, 'onless that +neighbourhood has much improved since I knowed it last.' + +"'It's a sweet thing,' sais he. 'Have you ever "_made profession_," Mr. +Slick?' + +"'Come,' sais I to myself, 'this is cuttin' it rather too fat. I must +put a stop to this. This ain't a subject for conversation with such a +cheatin', cantin', hippocrytical skunk as this is. Yes,' sais I, 'long +ago. My profession is that of a clockmaker, and I make no pretension +to nothin' else. But come, let's water our hosses here and liquor +ourselves.' + +"And we dismounted, and gave 'em a drop to wet their mouths. + +"'Now,' sais I, a-takin' out of a pocket-pistol that I generally +travelled with, 'I think I'll take a drop of grog;' and arter helpin' +myself, I gives the silver cover of the flask a dip in the brook, (for +a clean rinse is better than a dirty wipe, any time), and sais I, 'Will +you have a little of the "_outpourin' of the spirit?_" What do you say, +Elder?' + +"'Thank you,' sais he, 'friend Slick. I never touch liquor, it's agin +our rules.' + +"And he stooped down and filled it with water, and took a mouthful, and +then makin' a face like a frog afore he goes to sing, and swellin' his +cheeks out like a Scotch bagpiper, he spit it all out. Sais he, 'That +is so warm, it makes me sick; and as I ain't otherwise well, from the +celestial exhaustion of a protracted meetin', I believe I will take a +little drop, as medicine.' + +"Confound him! if he'd a said he'd only leave a little drop, it would a +been more like the thing; for he e'en a'most emptied the whole into the +cup, and drank it off clean, without winkin'. + +"'It's a "_very refreshin' time_,"' sais I, 'ain't' it?' But he didn't +make no answer. Sais I, 'that's a likely beast of yourn, Elder,' and I +opened her mouth, and took a look at her, and no easy matter nother, I +tell you, for she held on like a bear trap, with her jaws. "'She won't +suit you,' sais he, "with a smile, 'Mr. Slick.' + +"'I guess not,' sais I. + +"'But she'll jist suit the French,' sais he. + +"'It's lucky she don't speak French then,' sais I, 'or they'd soon +find her tongue was too big for her mouth. That critter will never see +five-and-twenty, and I'm a thinkin', she's thirty year old, if she is a +day.' + +"'I was a thinkin', said he, with a sly look out o' the corner of his +eye, as if her age warn't no secret to him. 'I was a thinkin' it's time +to put her off, and she'll jist suit the French. They hante much for +hosses to do, in a giniral way, but to ride about; and you won't say +nothin' about her age, will you? it might endamnify a sale.' + +"'Not I,' sais I, 'I skin my own foxes, and let other folks skin +their'n. I have enough to do to mind my own business, without +interferin' with other people's.' + +"'She'll jist suit the French,' sais he; 'they don't know nothin' about +hosses, or any thing else. They are a simple people, and always will be, +for their priests keep 'em in ignorance. It's an awful thing to see them +kept in the outer porch of darkness that way, ain't it?' + +"'I guess you'll put a new pane o' glass in their porch,' sais I, 'and +help some o' them to see better; for whoever gets that mare, will have +his eyes opened, sooner nor he bargains for, I know.' + +"Sais he, 'she ain't a bad mare; and if she could eat bay, might do a +good deal of work yet,' and he gave a kinder chuckle laugh at his own +joke, that sounded like the rattles in his throat, it was so dismal and +deep, for he was one o' them kind of fellers that's too good to larf, +was Steve. + +"Well, the horn o' grog he took, began to onloosen his tongue; and I got +out of him, that she come near dyin' the winter afore, her teeth was +so bad, and that he had kept her all summer in a dyke pasture up to her +fetlocks in white clover, and ginn' her ground oats, and Indgian meal, +and nothin' to do all summer; and in the fore part of the fall, biled +potatoes, and he'd got her as fat as a seal, and her skin as slick as an +otter's. She fairly shined agin, in the sun. + +"'She'll jist suit the French', said he, 'they are a simple people and +don't know nothin', and if they don't like the mare, they must blame +their priests for not teachin' 'em better. I shall keep within the +strict line of truth, as becomes a Christian man. I scorn to take a man +in.' + +"Well, we chatted away arter this fashion, he a openin' of himself and +me a walk in' into him; and we jogged along till we came to Charles +Tarrio's to Montagon, and there was the matter of a thousand French +people gathered there, a chatterin', and laughin', and jawin', and +quarrellin', and racin', and wrastlin', and all a givin' tongue, like a +pack of village dogs, when an Indgian comes to town. It was town meetin' +day. + +"Well, there was a critter there, called by nickname, 'Goodish Greevoy,' +a mounted on a white pony, one o' the scariest little screamers, you +ever see since you was born. He was a tryin' to get up a race, was +Goodish, and banterin' every one that had a hoss to run with him. + +"His face was a fortin' to a painter. His forehead was high and narrer, +shewin' only a long strip o' tawny skin, in a line with his nose, the +rest bein' covered with hair, as black as ink, and as iley as a seal's +mane. His brows was thick, bushy and overhangin', like young brush-wood +on a cliff, and onderneath, was two black peerin' little eyes, that kept +a-movin' about, keen, good-natured, and roguish, but sot far into his +skull, and looked like the eyes of a fox peepin' out of his den, when +he warn't to home to company hisself. His nose was high, sharp, and +crooked, like the back of a reapin' hook, and gave a plaguy sight +of character to his face, while his thinnish lips, that closed on a +straight line, curlin' up at one eend, and down at the other, shewed, if +his dander was raised, he could be a jumpin', tarin', rampagenous devil +if he chose. The pint of his chin projected and turned up gently, as if +it expected, when Goodish lost his teeth, to rise in the world in rank +next to the nose. When good natur' sat on the box, and drove, it warn't +a bad face; when Old Nick was coachman, I guess it would be as well to +give Master Frenchman the road. + +"He had a red cap on his head, his beard hadn't been cut since last +sheep shearin', and he looked as hairy as a tarrier; his shirt collar, +'which was of yaller flannel, fell on his shoulders loose, and a black +hankercher was tied round his neck, slack like a sailor's. He wore a +round jacket and loose trowsers of homespun with no waistcoat, and his +trowsers was held up by a gallus of leather on one side, and of old cord +on the other. Either Goodish had growed since his clothes was made, or +his jacket and trowsers warn't on speakin' tarms, for they didn't meet +by three or four inches, and the shirt shewed atween them like a yaller +militia sash round him. His feet was covered with moccasins of ontanned +moose hide, and one heel was sot off with an old spur and looked sly +and wicked. He was a sneezer that, and when he flourished his great long +withe of a whip stick, that looked like a fishin' rod, over his head, +and yelled like all possessed, he was a caution, that's a fact. + +"A knowin' lookin' little hoss, it was too, that he was mounted on. Its +tail was cut close off to the stump, which squared up his rump, and made +him look awful strong in the hind quarters. His mane was "hogged" which +fulled out the swell and crest of the neck, and his ears being +cropped, the critter had a game look about him. There was a proper good +onderstandin' between him and his rider: they looked as if they had +growed together, and made one critter--half hoss, half man with a touch +of the devil. + +"Goodish was all up on eend by what he drank, and dashed in and out of +the crowd arter a fashion, that was quite cautionary, callin' out, 'Here +comes "the grave-digger." Don't be skeered, if any of you get killed, +here is the hoss that will dig his grave for nothin'. Who'll run a lick +of a quarter of a mile, for a pint of rum. Will you run?' said he, a +spunkin' up to the Elder, 'come, let's run, and whoever wins, shall go +the treat.' + +"The Elder smiled as sweet as sugar candy, but backed out; he was too +old, he said, now to run. + +"'Will you swap hosses, old broad cloth then?' said the other, 'because +if you will, here's at you.' + +"Steve took a squint at pony, to see whether that cat would jump or no, +but the cropt ears, the stump of a tail, the rakish look of the horse, +didn't jist altogether convene to the taste or the sanctified habits of +the preacher. The word no, hung on his lips, like a wormy apple, jist +ready to drop the fust shake; but before it let go, the great strength, +the spryness, and the oncommon obedience of pony to the bit, seemed to +kinder balance the objections; while the sartan and ontimely eend that +hung over his own mare, during the comin' winter, death by starvation, +turned the scale. + +"'Well,' said he, slowly, 'if we like each other's beasts, friend, and +can agree as to the boot, I don't know as I wouldn't trade; for I don't +care to raise colts, havin' plenty of hoss stock on hand, and perhaps +you do.' + +"'How old is your hoss?' said the Frenchman. + +"'I didn't raise it,' sais Steve, 'Ned Wheelock, I believe, brought her +to our parts.' + +"'How old do you take her to be?' + +"'Poor critter, she'd tell you herself, if she could,' said he, 'for +she knows best, but she can't speak; and I didn't see her, when she was +foalded.' + +"'How old do you think?' + +"'Age,' sais Steve, 'depens on use, not on years. A hoss at five, if ill +used, is old; a hoss at eight, if well used is young.' + +"'Sacry footry!' sais Goodish, 'why don't you speak out like a man? Lie +or no lie, how old is she?' + +"'Well, I don't like to say,' sais Steve, 'I know she is eight for +sartain, and it may be she's nine. If I was to say eight, and it turned +out nine, you might be thinkin' hard of me. I didn't raise it. You can +see what condition she is in; old hosses ain't commonly so fat as that, +at least I never, see one that was.' + +"A long banter then growed out of the 'boot money.' The Elder, asked +7 pounds 10s. Goodish swore he wouldn't give that for him and his hoss +together; that if they were both put up to auction that blessed minute, +they wouldn't bring it. The Elder hung on to it, as long as there was +any chance of the boot, and then fort the ground like a man, only givin' +an inch or so at a time, till he drawed up and made a dead stand, on one +pound. + +"Goodish seemed willing to come to tarms too; but like a prudent man, +resolved to take a look at the old mare's mouth, and make some kind of +a guess at her age; but the critter knowed how to keep her own secrets, +and it was ever so long, afore he forced her jaws open, and when he did, +he came plaguy near losin' of a finger, for his curiosity; and as he +hopped and danced about with pain, he let fly such a string of oaths, +and sacry-cussed the Elder and his mare, in such an all-fired passion, +that Steve put both his hands up to his ears, and said, 'Oh, my dear +friend, don't swear, don't swear; it's very wicked. I'll take your pony, +I'll ask no boot, if you will only promise not to swear. You shall have +the mare as she stands. I'll give up and swap even; and there shall be +no after claps, nor ruin bargains, nor recantin', nor nother, only don't +swear.' + +"Well, the trade was made, the saddles and bridles was shifted, and +both parties mounted their new hosses. 'Mr. Slick,' sais Steve,' who was +afraid he would lose the pony, if he staid any longer, 'Mr. Slick,' +sais he, 'the least said, is the soonest mended, let's be a movin', this +scene of noise and riot is shockin' to a religious man, ain't it?' and +he let go a groan, as long as the embargo a'most. + +"Well, we had no sooner turned to go, than the French people sot up a +cheer that made all ring again; and they sung out, "La Fossy Your," "La +Fossy Your," and shouted it agin and agin ever so loud. + +"'What's that?' sais Steve. + +"Well, I didn't know, for I never heerd the word afore; but it don't do +to say you don't know, it lowers you in the eyes of other folks. If you +don't know What another man knows he is shocked at your ignorance. But +if he don't know what you do, he can find an excuse in a minute. Never +say you don't know. + +"'So,' sais I, 'they jabber so everlastin' fast, it ain't no easy matter +to say what they mean; but it sounds like "good bye," you'd better +turn round and make 'em a bow, for they are very polite people, is the +French.' + +"So Steve turns and takes off his hat, and makes them a low bow, and +they larfs wus than ever, and calls out again, "La Fossy Your," "La +Fossy Your." He was kinder ryled, was the Elder. His honey had begun +to farment, and smell vinegery. 'May be, next Christmas,' sais he, 'you +won't larf so loud, when you find the mare is dead. Goodish and the old +mare are jist alike, they are all tongue them critters. I rather think +it's me,' sais he, 'has the right to larf, for I've got the best of this +bargain, and no mistake. This is as smart a little hoss as ever I see. +I know where I can put him off to great advantage. I shall make a good +day's work of this. It is about as good a hoss trade as I ever made. The +French don't know nothin' about hosses; they are a simple people, their +priests keep 'em in ignorance on purpose, and they don't know nothin'.' + +"He cracked and bragged considerable, and as we progressed we came +to Montagon Bridge. The moment pony sot foot on it, he stopped short, +pricked up the latter eends of his ears, snorted, squeeled and refused +to budge an inch. The Elder got mad. He first coaxed and patted, and +soft sawdered him, and then whipt and spurred, and thrashed him like any +thing. Pony got mad too, for hosses has tempers as well as Elders; so he +turned to, and kicked right straight up on eend, like Old Scratch, and +kept on without stoppin' till he sent the Elder right slap over his +head slantendicularly, on the broad of his back into the river, and he +floated down thro' the bridge and scrambled out at t'other side. + +"Creation! how he looked. He was so mad, he was ready to bile over; and +as it was he smoked in the sun, like a tea-kettle. His clothes stuck +close down to him, as a cat's fur does to her skin, when she's out in +the rain, and every step he took his boots went squish, squash, like an +old woman churnin' butter; and his wet trowsers chafed with a noise like +a wet flappin' sail. He was a shew, and when he got up to his hoss, and +held on to his mane, and first lifted up one leg and then the other to +let the water run out of his boots. I couldn't hold in no longer, but +laid back and larfed till I thought on my soul I'd fall off into the +river too. + +"'Elder,' says I, 'I thought when a man jined your sect, 'he could never +"_fall off agin_," but I see you ain't no safer than other folks arter +all.' + +"'Come,' says he, 'let me be, that's a good soul, it's bad enough, +without being larfed at, that's a fact. I can't account for this caper, +no how.' + +"'It's very strange too, ain't it! What on airth got into the hoss to +make him act so ugly. Can you tell, Mr. Slick?' + +"'Why,' sais I, 'he don't know English yet, that's all. He waited for +them beautiful French oaths that Goodish used. Stop the fust Frenchman +you meet and give him a shillin' to teach you to swear, and he'll go +like a lamb.' + +"I see'd what was the matter of the hoss by his action as soon as we +started; but I warn't agoin' for to let on to him about it. I wanted to +see the sport. Well, he took his hoss by the bridle and led him over the +bridge, and he follered kindly, then he mounted, and no hoss could go +better. Arter a little, we came to another bridge agin, and the same +play was acted anew, same coaxin', same threatenin', and same thrashin'; +at last pony put down his head, and began to shake his tail, a gettin' +ready for another bout of kickin'; when Steve got off and led him, and +did the same to every bridge we come to. + +"'It's no use,' sais I, 'you must larn them oaths, he's used to 'em +and misses them shocking. A sailor, a hoss, and a nigger ain't no good +without you swear at 'em; it comes kinder nateral to them, and they look +for it, fact I assure you. Whips wear out, and so do spurs, but a good +sneezer of a cuss hain't no wear out to it; it's always the same.' + +"'I'll larn him sunthin', sais he, 'when I get him to home, and out o' +sight that will do him good, and that he won't forget for one while, I +know.' + +"Soon arter this we came to Everett's public-house on the bay, and +I galloped up to the door, and went as close as I cleverly could on +purpose, and then reined up short and sudden, when whap goes the pony +right agin the side of the house, and nearly killed himself. He never +stirred for the matter of two or three minutes. I actilly did think he +had gone for it, and Steve went right thro' the winder on to the floor, +with a holler noise, like a log o' wood thrown on to the deck of a +vessel. 'Eugh!' says he, and he cut himself with the broken glass quite +ridikilous. + +"'Why,' sais Everett, 'as I am a livin' sinner this is "the +Grave-digger," he'll kill you, man, as sure as you are born, he is the +wickedest hoss that ever was seen in these clearins here; and he is +as blind as a bat too. No man in Nova Scotia can manage that hoss but +Goodish Greevoy, and he'd manage the devil that feller, for he is man, +horse, shark, and sarpent all in one, that Frenchman. What possessed you +to buy such a varmint as that?' + +"'Grave digger!' said doleful Steve, 'what is that?' + +"'Why,' sais he, 'they went one day to bury a man, down to Clare did +the French, and when they got to the grave, who should be in it but the +pony. He couldn't see, and as he was a feedin' about, he tumbled in head +over heels and they called him always arterwards 'the Grave-digger.'" + +"'Very simple people them French,' sais I, 'Elder; they don't know +nothin' about hosses, do they? Their priests keep them in ignorance on +purpose.' + +"Steve winced and squinched his face properly; and said the glass in +his hands hurt him. Well, arter we sot all to rights, we began to jog +on towards Digby. The Elder didn't say much, he was as chop fallen as +a wounded moose; at last, says he, 'I'll ship him to St. John, and sell +him. I'll put him on board of Captain Ned Leonard's vessel, as soon as I +get to Digby.' Well, as I turned my head to answer him, and sot eyes on +him agin, it most sot me a haw, hawin' a second time, he _did_ look so +like Old Scratch. Oh Hedges! how haggardised he was! His new hat was +smashed down like a cap on the crown of his head, his white cravat was +bloody, his face all scratched, as if he had been clapper-clawed by a +woman, and his hands was bound up with rags, where the glass cut 'em. +The white sand of the floor of Everett's parlour had stuck to his +damp clothes, and he looked like an old half corned miller, that was a +returnin' to his wife, arter a spree. A leetle crest fallen for what he +had got, a leetle mean for the way he looked, and a leetle skeered +for what he'd catch, when he got to home. The way he sloped warn't no +matter. He was a pictur, and a pictur I must say, I liked to look at. + +"And now Squire, do you take him off too, ingrave him, and bind him up +in your book, and let others look at it, and put onder it '_the Elder +and the Grave-digger_.'" + +"Well, when we got to town, the tide was high, and the vessel jist ready +to cast off, and Steve, knowin' how skeer'd pony was of the water, got +off to lead him, but the critter guessed it warn't a bridge, for he +smelt salt water on both sides of him, and ahead too, and budge he +wouldn't. Well, they beat him most to death, but he beat back agin with +his heels, and it was a drawd fight. Then they goes to the fence and +gets a great strong pole, and puts it across his hams, two men at each +eend of the pole, and shoved away, and shoved away, till they progressed +a yard or so; when pony squatted right down on the pole, throwd over the +men, and most broke their legs, with his weight. + +"At last, the captain fetched a rope, and fixes it round his neck, with +a slip knot, fastens it to the windlass, and dragged him in as they do +an anchor, and tied him by his bridle to the boom; and then shoved off, +and got under weigh. + +"Steve and I sot down on the wharf, for it was a beautiful day, and +looked at them driftin' out in the stream, and hystin' sail, while the +folks was gettin' somethin' ready for us to the inn. + +"When they had got out into the middle of the channel, took the breeze, +and was all under way, and we was about turnin' to go back, I saw the +pony loose, he had slipped his bridle, and not likin' the motion of the +vessel, he jist walked overboard, head fust, with a most a beautiful +splunge. + +"'_A most refreshin' time_,' said I, 'Elder, that critter has of it. I +hope _that sinner will be saved_.' + +"He sprung right up on eend, as if he had been stung by a galley nipper, +did Steve, 'Let me alone,' said he. 'What have I done to be jobed, that +way? Didn't I keep within the strict line o' truth? Did I tell that +Frenchman one mossel of a lie? Answer me, that, will you? I've been +cheated awful; but I scorn to take the advantage of any man. You +had better look to your own dealin's, and let me alone, you pedlin', +cheatin' Yankee clockmaker you.' + +"'Elder,' sais I, 'if you warn't too mean to rile a man, I'd give you a +kick on your pillion, that would send you a divin' arter your hoss; but +you ain't worth it. Don't call me names tho', or I'll settle your coffee +for you, without a fish skin, afore you are ready to swaller it I can +_tell_ you. So keep your mouth shut, my old coon, or your teeth might +get sun-burnt. You think you are angry with me; but you aint; you are +angry with yourself. You know you have showd yourself a proper fool for +to come, for to go, for to talk to a man that has seed so much of the +world as I have, bout "_refreshin' time_," and "_outpourin' of spirit_," +and "_makin' profession_" and what not; and you know you showd yourself +an everlastin' rogue, a meditatin' of cheatin' that Frenchman all +summer. It's biter bit, and I don't pity you one mossel; it sarves +you right. But look at the grave-digger; he looks to me as if he was a +diggin' of his own grave in rael right down airnest.' + +"The captain havin' his boat histed, and thinkin' the hoss would swim +ashore of hisself, kept right straight on; and the hoss swam this way, +and that way, and every way but the right road, jist as the eddies took +him. At last, he got into the ripps off of Johnston's pint, and they +wheeled him right round and round like a whip-top. Poor pony! he got +his match at last. He struggled, and jumpt, and plunged and fort, like +a man, for dear life. Fust went up his knowin' little head, that had no +ears; and he tried to jump up and rear out of it, as he used to did +out of a mire hole or honey pot ashore; but there was no bottom there; +nothin' for his hind foot to spring from; so down he went agin ever so +deep: and then he tried t'other eend, and up went his broad rump, that +had no tail; but there was nothin' for the fore feet to rest on nother; +so he made a summerset, and as he went over, he gave out a great long +end wise kick to the full stretch of his hind legs. + +"Poor feller! it was the last kick he ever gave in this world; he sent +his heels straight up on eend, like a pair of kitchen tongs, and the +last I see of him was a bright dazzle, as the sun shined on his iron +shoes, afore the water closed over him for ever. + +"I railly felt sorry for the poor old 'grave-digger,' I did upon my +soul, for hosses and ladies are two things, that a body can't help +likin'. Indeed, a feller that hante no taste that way ain't a man at +all, in my opinion. Yes, I felt ugly for poor 'grave-digger,' though I +didn't feel one single bit so for that cantin' cheatin', old Elder. So +when I turns to go, sais I, 'Elder,' sais I, and I jist repeated his own +words--'I guess it's your turn to laugh now, for you have got the best +of the bargain, and no mistake. Goodish and the old mare are jist alike, +all tongue, ain't they? But these French is a simple people, so they +be; they don't know nothin', that's a fact. Their priests keep 'em in +ignorance a puppus. + +"The next time you tell your experience to the great Christian meetin' +to Goose Creek, jist up and tell 'em, from beginnin' to eend, the story +of the--'_Elder and the Grave-digger_.'" + + + + +CHAPTER XIII. LOOKING BACK. + +In the course of the evening, Mr. Hopewell adverted to his return as +a matter of professional duty, and spoke of it in such a feeling and +earnest manner, as to leave no doubt upon my mind, that we should not be +able to detain him long in this country, unless his attention should be +kept fully occupied by a constant change of scene. + +Mr. Slick expressed to me the same fear, and, knowing that I had been +talking of going to Scotland, entreated me not to be long absent, for he +felt convinced that as soon as he should be left alone, his thoughts and +wishes would at once revert to America. + +"I will try to keep him up," said he, "as well as I can, but I can't do +it alone. If you do go, don't leave us long. Whenever I find him dull, +and can't cheer him up no how I can fix it, by talk, or fun, or sight +seein' or nothin', I make him vexed, and that excites him, stirs him up +with a pot stick, and is of great sarvice to him. I don't mean actilly +makin' him wrathy in airnest, but jist rilin of him for his own good, by +pokin' a mistake at him. I'll shew you, presently, how I do it." + +As soon as Mr. Hopewell rejoined us, he began to inquire into the +probable duration of our visit to this country, and expressed a wish to +return, as soon as possible, to Slickville. + +"Come, Minister," said Mr. Slick, tapping him on the shoulder, "as +father used to say, we must 'right about face' now. When we are at home +let us think of home, when we are here, let us think of this place. Let +us look a-head, don't let's look back, for we can't see nothin' there." + +"Indeed, Sam," said he, with a sad and melancholy air, "it would be +better for us all if we looked back oftener than we do. From the errors +of the past, we might rectify our course for the future. Prospective sin +is often clothed in very alluring garments; past sin appears in all its +naked deformity. Looking back, therefore--" + +"Is very well," said Mr. Slick, "in the way of preachin'; but lookin' +back when you can't see nothin', as you are now, is only a hurtin' of +your eyes. I never hear that word, 'lookin' back,' that I don't think of +that funny story of Lot's wife." + +"Funny story of Lot's wife, Sir! Do you call that a funny story, Sir?" + +"I do, Sir." + +"You do, Sir?" + +"Yes, I do, Sir; and I defy you or any other man to say it ain't a funny +story." + +"Oh dear, dear," said Mr. Hopewell, "that I should have lived to see +the day when you, my son, would dare to speak of a Divine judgment as a +funny story, and that you should presume so to address me." + +"A judgment, Sir?" + +"Yes, a judgment, Sir." + +"Do you call the story of Lot's wife a judgment?" + +"Yes, I do call the story of Lot's wife a judgment; a monument of the +Divine wrath for the sin of disobedience." + +"What! Mrs. Happy Lot? Do you call her a monument of wrath? Well, well, +if that don't beat all, Minister. If you had a been a-tyin' of the +night-cap last night I shouldn't a wondered at your talkin' at that +pace. But to call that dear little woman, Mrs. Happy Lot, that dancin', +laughin' tormentin', little critter, a monument of wrath, beats all to +immortal smash." + +"Why who are you a-talkin' of, Sam?" + +"Why, Mrs. Happy Lot, the wife of the Honourable Cranbery Lot, of +Umbagog, to be sure. Who did you think I was a-talkin' of?" + +"Well, I thought you was a-talkin' of--of--ahem--of subjects too serious +to be talked of in that manner; but I did you wrong, Sam; I did you +injustice. Give me your hand, my boy. It's better for me to mistake and +apologize, than for you to sin and repent. I don't think I ever heard of +Mr. Lot, of Umbagog, or of his wife either. Sit down here, and tell me +the story, for 'with thee conversing, I forget all time.'" + +"Well, Minister," said Mr. Slick, "I'll tell you the ins and outs of it; +and a droll story it is too. Miss Lot was the darter of Enoch Mosher, +the rich miser of Goshen; as beautiful a little critter too, as ever +slept in shoe-leather. She looked for all the world like one of the +Paris fashion prints, for she was a parfect pictur', that's a fact. +Her complexion was made of white and red roses, mixed so beautiful, you +couldn't tell where the white eended, or the red begun, natur' had +used the blendin' brush so delicate. Her eyes were screw augurs, I tell +_you_; they bored right into your heart, and kinder agitated you, and +made your breath come and go, and your pulse flutter. I never felt +nothin' like 'em. When lit up, they sparkled like lamp reflectors; and +at other tunes, they was as soft, and mild, and clear as dew-drops that +hang on the bushes at sun-rise. When she loved, she loved; and when she +hated, she hated about the wickedest you ever see. Her lips were like +heart cherries of the carnation kind; so plump, and fall, and hard, you +felt as if you could fall to and eat 'em right up. Her voice was like a +grand piany, all sorts o' power in it; canary-birds' notes at one eend, +and thunder at t'other, accordin' to the humour she was in, for she +was a'most a grand bit of stuff was Happy, she'd put an edge on a knife +a'most. She was a rael steel. Her figur' was as light as a fairy's, and +her waist was so taper and tiny, it seemed jist made for puttin' an +arm round in walkin'. She was as ac_tive_ and springy on her feet as a +catamount, and near about as touch me-not a sort of customer too. +She actilly did seem as if she was made out of steel springs and +chicken-hawk. If old Cran, was to slip off the handle, I think I should +make up to her, for she is 'a salt,' that's a fact, a most a heavenly +splice. + +"Well, the Honourable Cranbery Lot put in for her, won her, and married +her. A good speculation it turned out too, for he got the matter of one +hundred thousand of dollars by her, if he got a cent. As soon as they +were fairly welded, off they sot to take the tour of Europe, and they +larfed and cried, and kissed and quarrelled, and fit and made up all +over the Continent, for her temper was as onsartain as the climate +here--rain one minit and sun the next; but more rain nor sun. + +"He was a fool, was Cranbery. He didn't know how to manage her. His +bridle hand warn't good, I tell you. A spry, mettlesome hoss, and a dull +critter with no action, don't mate well in harness, that's a fact. + +"After goin' every where, and every where else amost, where should they +get to but the Alps. One arternoon, a sincerely cold one it was too, and +the weather, violent slippy, dark overtook them before they reached the +top of one of the highest and steepest of them mountains, and they had +to spend the night at a poor squatter's shanty. + +"Well, next mornin', jist at day-break, and sun-rise on them everlastin' +hills is tall sun-rise, and no mistake, p'rhaps nothin was ever seen so +fine except the first one, since creation. It takes the rag off quite. +Well, she was an enterprisin' little toad, was Miss Lot too, afeered of +nothin' a'most; so nothin' would sarve her but she must out and have a +scramb up to the tip-topest part of the peak afore breakfast. + +"Well, the squatter there, who was a kind o' guide, did what he could to +dispersuade her, but all to no purpose; go she would, and a headstrong +woman and a runaway hoss are jist two things it's out of all reason to +try to stop; The only way is to urge 'em on, and then, bein' contr_ary_ +by natur', they stop of themselves. + +"'Well,' sais the guide, 'if you will go, marm, do take this pike staff, +marm,' sais he; (a sort of walkin'-stick with a spike to the eend of +it), 'for you can't get either up or down them slopes without it, it is +so almighty slippy there.' So she took the staff, and off she sot and +climbed and climbed ever so far, till she didn't look no bigger than a +snowbird. + +"At last she came to a small flat place, like a table, and then she +turned round to rest, get breath, and take a look at the glorious view; +and jist as she hove-to, up went her little heels, and away went her +stick, right over a big parpendicular cliff, hundreds and hundreds, and +thousands of feet deep. So deep, you couldn't see the bottom for the +shadows, for the very snow looked black down there. There is no way in, +it is so steep, but over the cliff; and no way out, but one, and that +leads to t'other world. I can't describe it to you, though. I have see'd +it since myself. There are some things too big to lift; some, too big +to carry after they be lifted; and some too grand for the tongue to +describe too. There's a notch where dictionary can't go no farther, as +well as every other created thing, that's a fact. P'rhaps if I was to +say it looked like the mould that that 'are very peak was cast in, afore +it was cold and stiff, and sot up on eend, I should come as near the +mark as any thing I know on. + +"Well away she slid, feet and hands out, all flat on her face, right +away, arter her pike staff. Most people would have ginn it up as gone +goose, and others been so frightened as not to do any thing at all; or +at most only jist to think of a prayer, for there was no time to say +one. + +"But not so Lot's 'wife. She was of a conquerin' natur'. She never gave +nothin' up, till she couldn't hold on no longer. She was one o' them +critters that go to bed mistress, and rise master; and just as she +got to the edge of the precipice, her head hangin' over, and her eyes +lookin' down, and she all but ready to shoot out and launch away into +bottomless space, the ten commandments brought her right short up. Oh, +she sais, the sudden joy of that sudden stop swelled her heart so big, +she thought it would have bust like a byler; and, as it was, the great +endurin' long breath she drew, arter such an alfired escape, almost +killed her at the ebb, it hurt her so." + +"But," said Mr. Hopewell, "how did the ten commandments save her? Do you +mean that figuratively, or literally. Was it her reliance on providence, +arising from a conscious observance of the decalogue all her life, or +was it a book containing them, that caught against some thing, and stopt +her descent. It is very interesting. Many a person, Sam, has been saved +when at the brink of destruction, by laying fast hold on the bible. Who +can doubt, that the commandments had a Divine origin? Short, simple and +yet comprehensive; the first four point to our duty to our Maker, the +last six, towards our social duties. In this respect there is a great +similarity of structure, to that excellent prayer given us--" + +"Oh, Minister," said Mr. Slick, "I beg your pardon, I do, indeed, I +don't mean that at all; and I do declare and vow now, I wasn't a playin' +possum with you, nother. I won't do it no more, I won't, indeed." + +"Well, what did you mean then?" + +"Why I meant her ten fingers, to be sure. When a woman clapper claws her +husband, we have a cant tarm with us boys of Slickville, savin' she gave +him her ten commandments." + +"And a very improper expression too, Sir," said Mr. Hopewell; "a very +irreverent, indecent, and I may say profane expression; I am quite +shocked. But as you say you didn't mean it, are sorry for it, and will +not repeat it again, I accept your apology, and rely on your promise. Go +on, Sir." + +"Well, as I was a savin', the moment she found herself a coasting of it +that way, flounder fashion, she hung on by her ten com--I mean her ten +fingers, and her ten toes, like grim death to a dead nigger, and it +brought her up jist in time. But how to get back was the question? To +let go the hold of any one hand was sartain death, and there was nobody +to help her, and yet to hold on long that way, she couldn't, no how she +could fix it. + +"So what does she do, (for nothin' equals a woman for contrivances), but +move one finger at a time, and then one toe at a time, till she gets +a new hold, and then crawls backward, like a span-worm, an inch at a +hitch. Well, she works her passage this way, wrong eend foremost, by +backin' of her paddles for the matter of half an hour or so, till she +gets to where it was roughish, and somethin' like standin' ground, when +who should come by but a tall handsome man, with a sort of a half coat, +half cloak-like coverin' on, fastened round the waist with a belt, and +havin' a hood up, to ambush the head. + +"The moment she clapt eyes on him, she called to him for help. 'Oh,' +sais she, 'for heaven's sake, good man, help me up! Jist take hold of my +leg and draw me back, will you, that's a good soul?' And then she +held up fust one leg for him, and then the other, most beseechin', but +nothin' would move him. He jist stopt, looked back for a moment and then +progressed agin. + +"Well, it ryled her considerable. Her eyes actilly snapped with fire, +like a hemlock log at Christmas: (for nothin' makes a woman so mad as a +parsonal slight, and them little ankles of hern were enough to move the +heart of a stone, and make it jump out o' the ground, that's a fact, +they were such fine-spun glass ones), it made her so mad, it gave her +fresh strength; and makin' two or three onnateral efforts, she got clear +back to the path, and sprung right up on eend, as wicked as a she-bear +with a sore head. But when she got upright agin, she then see'd what a +beautiful frizzle of a fix she was in. She couldn't hope to climb far; +and, indeed, she didn't ambition to; she'd had enough of that, for one +spell. But climbin' up was nothin', compared to goin' down hill without +her staff; so what to do, she didn't know. + +"At last, a thought struck her. She intarmined to make that man help +her, in spite of him. So she sprung forward for a space, like a painter, +for life or death, and caught right hold of his cloak. 'Help--help me!' +said she, 'or I shall go for it, that's sartain. Here's my puss, my +rings, my watch, and all I have got; but oh, help me! for the love of +God, help me, or my flint is fixed for good and all.' + +"With that, the man turned round, and took one glance at her, as if he +kinder relented, and then, all at once, wheeled back again, as amazed as +if he was jist born, gave an awful yell, and started off as fast as he +could clip, though that warn't very tall runnin' nother, considerin' the +ground. But she warn't to be shook off that way. She held fast to his +cloak, like a burr to a sheep's tail, and raced arter him, screamin' and +screechin' like mad; and the more she cried, the louder he yelled, till +the mountains all echoed it and re-echoed it, so that you would have +thought a thousand devils had broke loose, a'most. + +"Such a gettin' up stairs you never did see. + +"Well, they kept up this tantrum for the space of two or three hundred +yards, when they came to a small, low, dismal-lookin' house, when +the man gave the door a kick, that sent the latch a flyin' off to the +t'other eend of the room, and fell right in on the floor, on his face, +as flat as a flounder, a groanin' and a moanin' like any thing, and +lookin' as mean as a critter that was sent for, and couldn't come, and +as obstinate as a pine stump. + +"'What ails you?' sais she, 'to act like Old Scratch that way? You ought +to be ashamed of yourself, to behave so to a woman. What on airth is +there about me to frighten you so, you great onmannerly, onmarciful, +coward, you. Come, scratch up, this minute.' + +"Well, the more she talked, the more he groaned; but the devil a word, +good or bad, could she get out of him at all. With that, she stoops +down, and catches up his staff, and says she, 'I have as great a mind to +give you a jab with this here toothpick, where your mother used to spank +you, as ever I had in all my life. But if you want it, my old 'coon, you +must come and get it; for if you won't help me, I shall help myself.' + +"Jist at that moment, her eyes being better accustomed to the dim light +of the place, she see'd a man, a sittin' at the fur eend of the room, +with his back to the wall, larfin' ready to kill himself. He grinned +so, he showed his corn-crackers from ear to ear. She said, he stript his +teeth like a catamount, he look'd so all mouth. + +"Well, that encouraged her, for there ain't much harm in a larfin' man; +it's only them that never larf that's fearfulsome. So sais she 'My good +man, will you he so kind as to lend me your arm down this awful peak, +and I will reward you handsomely, you may depend.' + +"Well, he made no answer, nother; and thinkin' he didn't onderstand +English, she tried him in Italian, and then in broken French, and then +bungled out a little German; but no, still no answer. He took no more +notice of her and her mister, and senior, and mountsheer, and mynheer, +than if he never heerd them titles, but jist larfed on. + +"She stopped a minit, and looked at him full in the face, to see what he +meant by all this ongenteel behaviour, when all of a sudden, jist as she +moved one step nearer to him, she saw he was a dead man, and had been so +long there, part of the flesh had dropt off or dried off his face; and +it was that that made him grin that way, like a fox-trap. It was the +bone-house they was in. The place where poor, benighted, snow-squalled +stragglers, that perish on the mountains, are located, for their friends +to come and get them, if they want 'em; and if there ain't any body that +knows 'em or cares for 'em, why they are left there for ever, to dry +into nothin' but parchment and atomy, as it's no joke diggin' a grave in +that frozen region. + +"As soon as she see'd this, she never said another blessed word, but +jist walked off with the livin' man's pike, and began to poke her way +down the mountain as careful as she cleverly could, dreadful tired, and +awful frighted. + +"Well, she hadn't gone far, afore she heard her name echoed all round +her--Happy! Happy! Happy! It seemed from the echoes agin, as if there +was a hundred people a yelling it put all at once. + +"Oh, very happy,' said she, 'very happy, indeed; guess you'd find it +so if you was here. I know I should feel very happy if I was out of it, +that's all; for I believe, on my soul, this is harnted ground, and the +people in it are possessed. Oh, if I was only to home, to dear Umbagog +agin, no soul should ever ketch me in this outlandish place any more, +_I_ know.' + +"Well, the sound increased and increased so, like young thunder she was +e'en a'most skeared to death, and in a twitteration all over; and her +knees began to shake so, she expected to go for it every minute; when a +sudden turn of the path show'd her her husband and the poor squatter a +sarchin' for her. + +"She was so overcome with fright and joy, she could hardly speak--and it +warn't a trifle that would toggle her tongue, that's a fact. It was +some time after she arrived at the house afore she could up and tell the +story onderstandable; and when she did, she had to tell it twice over, +first in short hand, and then in long metre, afore she could make out +the whole bill o' parcels. Indeed, she hante done tellin' it yet, and +wherever she is, she works round, and works round, till she gets Europe +spoke of, and then she begins, 'That reminds me of a most remarkable +fact. Jist after I was married to Mr. Lot, we was to the Alps.' + +"If ever you see her, and she begins that way, up hat and cut stick, +double quick, or you'll find the road over the Alps to Umbagog, a little +the longest you've ever travelled, I know. + +"Well, she had no sooner done than Cranbery jumps up on eend, and sais +he to the guide, 'Uncle,' sais he, 'jist come along with me, that's a +good feller, will you? We must return that good Samaritan's' cane to +him; and as he must be considerable cold there, I'll jist warm his hide +a bit for him, to make his blood sarculate. If he thinks I'll put that +treatment to my wife, Miss Lot, into my pocket, and walk off with it, +he's mistaken in the child, that's all, Sir. He may be stubbeder than I +be, Uncle, that's a fact; but if he was twice as stubbed, I'd walk +into him like a thousand of bricks. I'll give him a taste of my breed. +Insultin' a lady is a weed we don't suffer to grow in our fields +to Umbagog. Let him be who the devil he will, log-leg or +leather-breeches--green-shirt or blanket-coat--land-trotter or +river-roller, I'll let him know there is a warrant out arter him, I +know." + +"'Why,' sais the guide, 'he couldn't help himself, no how he could work +it. He is a friar, or a monk, or a hermit, or a pilgrim, or somethin' +or another of that kind, for there is no eend to them, they are so many +different sorts; but the breed he is of, have a vow never to look at a +woman, or talk to a woman, or touch a woman, and if they do, there is a +penance, as long as into the middle of next week.' + +"'Not look at a woman?' sais Cran, 'why, what sort of a guess world +would this be without petticoats?--what a superfine superior tarnation +fool he must be, to jine such a tee-total society as that. Mint julip I +could give up, I _do_ suppose, though I had a plaguy sight sooner not +do it, that's a fact: but as for womankind, why the angeliferous +little torments, there is no livin' without _them_. What do you think, +stranger?' + +"'Sartainly,' said Squatter; 'but seein' that the man had a vow, why it +warn't his fault, for he couldn't do nothin' else. Where _he_ did wrong, +was _to look back_; if he hadn't a _looked back_, he wouldn't have +sinned.' + +"'Well, well,' sais Cran, 'if that's the case, it is a hoss of another +colour, that. I won't look back nother, then. Let him he. But he is +erroneous considerable.' + +"So you see, Minister," said Mr. Slick, "where there is nothin' to be +gained, and harm done, by this retrospection, as you call it, why I +think lookin' a-head is far better than--_lookin' back_." + + + + +CHAPTER XIV. CROSSING THE BORDER. + +The time had now arrived when it was necessary for me to go to +Scotland, for a few days. I had two very powerful reasons for this +excursion:--first, because an old and valued friend of mine was there, +whom I had not met for many years, and whom I could not think of leaving +this country without seeing again; and secondly, because I was desirous +of visiting the residence of my forefathers on the Tweed, which, +although it had passed out of their possession many years ago, was still +endeared to me as their home, as the scene of the family traditions; and +above all, as their burial place. + +The grave is the first stage on the journey, from this to the other +world. We are permitted to escort our friends so far, and no further; it +is there we part for ever. It is there the human form is deposited, when +mortality is changed for immortality. This burial place contains no one +that I have ever seen or known; but it contains the remains of those +from whom I derived my lineage and my name. I therefore naturally +desired to see it. + +Having communicated my intention to my two American companions, I was +very much struck with the different manner in which they received the +announcement. + +"Come back soon, Squire," said Mr. Slick; "go and see your old friend, +if you must, and go to the old campin' grounds of your folks; though the +wigwam I expect has gone long ago, but don't look at anythin' else. +I want we should visit the country together. I have an idea from what +little I have seed of it, Scotland is over-rated. I guess there is a +good deal of romance about their old times; and that, if we knowed all, +their old lairds warn't much better, or much richer than our Ingian +chiefs; much of a muchness. Kinder sorter so, and kinder sorter not so, +no great odds. Both hardy, both fierce; both as poor as Job's Turkey, +and both tarnation proud, at least, that's my idea to a notch. + +"I have often axed myself what sort of a gall that splenderiferous, +'Lady of the Lake' of Scott's was, and I kinder guess she was a +red-headed Scotch heifer, with her hair filled with heather, and +feather, and lint, with no shoes and stockings to her feet, and that + + "Her lips apart + Like monument of Grecian art" + +meant that she stared with her eyes and mouth wide open, like other +county galls that never see'd nothing before--a regilar screetch owl +in petticoats. And I suspicion, that Mr. Rob Roy was a sort of thievin' +devil of a white Mohawk, that found it easier to steal cattle, than +raise them himself; and that Loch Katrin, that they make such a touss +about, is jist about equal to a good sizeable duck-pond in our country; +at least, that's my idea. For I tell you it does not do to follow arter +a poet, and take all he says for gospel. + +"Yes, let's go and see Sawney in his "Ould _Reeky_." Airth and seas! if +I have any nose at all, there never was a place so well named as that. +Phew! let me light a cigar to get rid of the fogo of it. + +"Then let's cross over and see "Pat at Home;" let's look into +matters and things there, and see what "Big Dan" is about, with his +"association" and "agitation" and "repail" and "tee-totals." Let's see +whether it's John Bull or Patlander that's to blame, or both on 'em; six +of one and half-a-dozen of tother. By Gosh! Minister would talk, more +sense in one day to Ireland, than has been talked there since the +rebellion; for common sense is a word that don't grow like Jacob's +ladder, in them diggins, I guess. It's about, as stunted as Gineral +Nichodemus Ott's corn was. + +"The Gineral was takin' a ride with a southerner one day over his farm +to Bangor in Maine, to see his crops, fixin mill privileges and what +not, and the southerner was a turning up his nose at every thing amost, +proper scorney, and braggin' how things growed on his estate down south. +At last the Gineral's ebenezer began to rise, and he got as mad as a +hatter, and was intarmed to take a rise out of him. + +"'So,' says he, 'stranger,' says he, 'you talk about your Indgian corn, +as if nobody else raised any but yourself. Now I'll bet you a thousand +dollars, I have corn that's growd so wonderful, you can't reach the top +of it a standin' on your horse.' + +"'Done,' sais Southener, and 'Done,' sais the General, and done it was. + +"'Now,' sais the Giniral, 'stand up on your saddle like a circus rider, +for the field is round that corner of the wood there.' And the entire +stranger stood up as stiff as a poker. 'Tall corn, I guess,' sais he, +'if I can't reach it, any how, for I can e'en a'most reach the top o' +them trees. I think I feel them thousand dollars of yourn, a marchin' +quick step into my pocket, four deep. Reach your corn, to be sure I +will. Who the plague, ever see'd corn so tall, that a man couldn't reach +it a horseback.' + +"'Try it,' sais the Gineral, as he led him into the field, where the +corn was only a foot high, the land was so monstrous, mean and so +beggarly poor. + +"'Reach it,' sais the Gineral. + +"'What a damned Yankee trick,' sais the Southener. 'What a take in +this is, ain't it?' and he leapt, and hopt, and jumped like a snappin' +turtle, he was so mad. Yes, common sense to Ireland, is like Indgian +corn to Bangor, it ain't overly tall growin', that's a fact. We must see +both these countries together. It is like the nigger's pig to the West +Indies "little and dam old." + +"Oh, come back soon, Squire, I have a thousand things, I want to tell +you, and I shall forget one half o' them, if you don't; and besides," +said he in an onder tone, "_he_" (nodding his head towards Mr. +Hopewell,) "will miss you shockingly. He frets horridly about his flock. +He says, ''Mancipation and Temperance have superceded the Scriptures +in the States. That formerly they preached religion there, but now they +only preach about niggers and rum.' Good bye, Squire." + +"You do right, Squire," said Mr. Hopewell, "to go. That which has to +be done, should be done soon, for we have not always the command of our +time. See your friend, for the claims of friendship are sacred; and see +your family tomb-stones also, for the sight of them, will awaken a train +of reflections in a mind like yours, at once melancholy and elevating; +but I will not deprive you of the pleasure you will derive from first +impressions, by stripping them of their novelty. You will be pleased +with the Scotch; they are a frugal, industrious, moral and intellectual +people. I should like to see their agriculture, I am told it is by far +the best in Europe. + +"But, Squire, I shall hope to see you soon, for I sometimes think duty +calls me home again. Although my little flock has chosen other shepherds +and quitted my fold, some of them may have seen their error, and wish to +return. And ought I not to be there to receive them? It is true, I am no +longer a labourer in the vineyard, but my heart is there. I should like +to walk round and round the wall that encloses it, and climb up, and +look into it, and talk to them that are at work there. I might give some +advice that would be valuable to them. The blossoms require shelter, and +the fruit requires heat, and the roots need covering in Winter. The vine +too is luxuriant, and must be pruned, or it will produce nothing but +wood. It demands constant care and constant labour; I had decorated the +little place with flowers too, to make it attractive and pleasant. + +"But, ah me! dissent will pull all these up like weeds, and throw them +out; and scepticism will raise nothing but gaudy annuals. The perennials +will not flourish without cultivating and enriching the ground; _their +roots are in the heart_. The religion of our Church, which is the same +as this of England, is a religion which inculcates love: filial love +towards God; paternal love to those committed to our care; brotherly +love, to our neighbour, nay, something more than is known by that term +in its common acceptation, for we are instructed to love our neighbour +as ourselves. + +"We are directed to commence our prayer with "Our Father." How much +of love, of tenderness, of forbearance, of kindness, of liberality, is +embodied in that word--children: of the same father, members of the same +great human family I Love is the bond of union--love dwelleth in the +heart; and the heart must be cultivated, that the seeds of affection may +germinate in it. + +"Dissent is cold and sour; it never appeals to the affections, but it +scatters denunciations, and rules by terror. Scepticism is proud +and self-sufficient. It refuses to believe in mysteries and deals in +rhetoric and sophistry, and flatters the vanity, by exalting human +reason. My poor lost flock will see the change, and I fear, feel it too. +Besides, absence is a temporary death. Now I am gone from them, they +will forget my frailties and infirmities, and dwell on what little good +might have been in me, and, perhaps, yearn towards me. + +"If I was to return, perhaps I could make an impression on the minds of +some, and recall two or three, if not more, to a sense of duty. What a +great thing that would be, wouldn't it? And if I did, I would get our +bishop to send me a pious, zealous, humble-minded, affectionate, able +young man, as a successor; and I would leave my farm, and orchard, and +little matters, as a glebe for the Church. And who knows but the +Lord may yet rescue Slickville from the inroads of ignorant fanatics, +political dissenters, and wicked infidels? + +"And besides, my good friend, I have much to say to you, relative to +the present condition and future prospects of this great country. I have +lived to see a few ambitious lawyers, restless demagogues, political +preachers, and unemployed local officers of provincial regiments, +agitate and sever thirteen colonies at one time from the government of +England. I have witnessed the struggle. It was a fearful, a bloody and +an unnatural one. My opinions, therefore, are strong in proportion as my +experience is great. I have abstained on account of their appearing like +preconceptions from saying much to you yet, for I want to see more of +this country, and to be certain, that I am quite right before I speak. + +"When you return, I will give you my views on some of the great +questions of the day. Don't adopt them, hear them and compare them with +your own. I would have you think for yourself, for I am an old man now +and sometimes I distrust my powers of mind. + +"The state of this country you, in your situation, ought to be +thoroughly acquainted with. It is a very perilous one. Its prosperity, +its integrity, nay its existence as a first-rate power, hangs by a +thread, and that thread but little better and stronger than a cotton +one. _Quem Deus vult perdere prius dementat_. I look in vain for that +constitutional vigour, and intellectual power, which once ruled the +destinies of this great nation. + +"There is an aberration of intellect, and a want of self-possession here +that alarms me. I say, alarms me, for American as I am by birth, and +republican as I am from the force of circumstances, I cannot but regard +England with great interest, and with great affection. What a beautiful +country! What a noble constitution! What a high minded, intelligent, and +generous people! When the Whigs came into office, the Tories were not +a party, they were the people of England. Where and what are they now? +Will they ever have a lucid interval, or again recognise the sound of +their own name? And yet, Sam, doubtful as the prospect of their recovery +is, and fearful as the consequences of a continuance of their malady +appear to be, one thing is most certain, _a Tory government is the +proper government for a monarchy, a suitable one for any country, but +it is the only one for England_. I do not mean an ultra one, for I am +a moderate man, and all extremes are equally to be avoided. I mean a +temperate, but firm one: steady to its friends, just to its enemies, and +inflexible to all. "When compelled to yield, it should be by the force +of reason, and never by the power of agitation. Its measures should be +actuated by a sense of what is right, and not what is expedient, for +to concede is to recede--to recede is to evince weakness--and to betray +weakness is to invite attack. + +"I am a stranger here. I do not understand this new word, Conservatism. +I comprehend the other two, Toryism and Liberalism. The one is a +monarchical, and the other a republican word. The term, Conservatism, +I suppose, designates a party formed out of the moderate men of both +sides, or rather, composed of Low-toned Tories and High Whigs. I do not +like to express a decided opinion yet, but my first impression is always +adverse to mixtures, for a mixture renders impure the elements of which +it is compounded. Every thing will depend on the preponderance of the +wholesome over the deleterious ingredients. I will analyse it carefully. +See how one neutralizes or improves the other, and what the effect of +the compound is likely to be on the constitution. I will request our +Ambassador, Everett, or Sam's friend, the Minister Extraordinary, +Abednego Layman, to introduce me to Sir Robert Peel, and will endeavour +to obtain all possible information from the best possible source. + +"On your return I will give you a candid and deliberate opinion." + +After a silence of some minutes, during which he walked up and down +the room in a fit of abstraction, he suddenly paused, and said, as if +thinking aloud-- + +"Hem, hem--so you are going to cross the border, eh? That northern +intellect is strong. Able men the Scotch, a little too radical in +politics, and a little too liberal, as it is called, in a matter of much +greater consequence; but a superior people, on the whole. They will give +you a warm reception, will the Scotch. Your name will insure that; and +they are clannish; and another warm reception will, I assure you, await +you here, when, returning, you again _Cross the Border_." + + + + +CHAPTER XV. THE IRISH PREFACE. + +Gentle reader, + +If an Irishman were asked what a preface was, he would, without +hesitation reply, that it was the last chapter of a book, and we should +unquestionably pronounce that answer to be a bull; for how can prefatory +remarks be valedictory ones? A few moments' consideration, however, +would induce us to withdraw such a hasty opinion, and convince us that +his idea is, after all, a correct one. It is almost always the part +that is last written, and _we_ perpetrate the bull, by placing it at the +beginning instead of the end of the book, and denominating our parting +words introductory remarks. + +The result of our arrangement is, that nobody reads it. The public do +not want to hear an apology or explanation, until it first ascertains, +whether the one can be accepted, or the other is required. This +contemptuous neglect arises from two causes, first because it is out +of place, and secondly because it too often contains a great deal +of twaddle. Unfortunately, one half of what is said in this world is +unmeaning compliment. A man who wishes to mark his respect for you, +among other inconvenient methods of shewing it, offers to accompany you +to the Hall. You are in consequence arrested in your progress. You are +compelled to turn on your pursuer, and entreat him not to come to the +door. After a good deal of lost time he is prevailed upon to return. +This is not fair. Every man should be suffered to depart in peace. + +Now, it is my intention to adopt the Irish definition. The word preface +is a misnomer. What I have to say I shall put into my last chapter, and +assign to it its proper place. I shall also adopt another improvement, +on the usual practice. I shall make it as short as possible, and speak +to the point. + +My intention then, gentle reader, was when I commenced this work, to +write but one volume, and at some future time to publish a second. +The materials, however, were so abundant, that selection became very +difficult, and compression much more so. To touch as many topics as I +designed, I was compelled to extend it to its present size, and I still +feel that the work is only half done. Whether I shall ever be able to +supply this deficiency I cannot say. I do not doubt your kind reception; +I have experienced too much indulgence and favour at your hands, to +suppose that you will withdraw it from one whom you have honoured with +repeated marks of approbation; but I entertain some fears that I shall +not be able to obtain the time that is necessary for its completion, +and that if I can command the leisure, my health will insist on a prior +claim to its disposal. + +If, however, I shall be enabled so to do, it is my intention, hereafter +to add another series of the Sayings and Doings of the Attache, so as to +make the work as complete as possible. + +I am quite confident it is not necessary to add, that the sentiments +uttered by Mr. Slick, are not designed either as an expression of those +of the author, or of the Americans who visit this country. With respect +to myself no disavowal is necessary; but I feel it due to my American +friends, for whose kindness I can never be sufficiently grateful, +and whose good opinion I value too highly to jeopardise it by any +misapprehension, to state distinctly, that I have not the most remote +idea of putting Mr. Slick forward, as a representative of any opinions, +but his own individual ones. They are peculiar to himself. +They naturally result from his shrewdness--knowledge of human +nature--quickness of perception and appreciation of the ridiculous on +the one hand; and on the other from his defective education, ignorance +of the usages of society, and sudden elevation, from the lower walks of +life, to a station for which he was wholly unqualified. + +I have endeavoured, as far as it was possible, in a work of this kind, +to avoid all personal allusions to _private_ persons, or in any way to +refer to scenes that may be supposed to have such a hearing. Should any +one imagine that he can trace any resemblance, to any private occurrence +I can only assure him that such resemblance is quite accidental. + +On the other hand, I have lost no opportunity of inculcating what I +conceive to be good sound constitutional doctrines. Loyal myself, a +great admirer of the monarchical form of government; attached to British +Institutions, and a devoted advocate for the permanent connexion +between the parent State, and its transatlantic possessions, I have not +hesitated to give utterance to these opinions. Born a Colonist, it is +natural I should have the feelings of one, and if I have obtruded +local matters on the notice of the reader oftener than may be thought +necessary, it must be remembered that an inhabitant of those distant +countries has seldom an opportunity of being heard. I should feel, +therefore, if I were to pass over in silence our claims or our +interests, I was affording the best justification for that neglect, +which for the last half century, has cramped our energies, paralized our +efforts, and discouraged and disheartened ourselves. England is liberal +in concessions, and munificent in her pecuniary grants to us; but is +so much engrossed with domestic politics, that she will bestow upon us +neither time nor consideration. + +It has been my object, therefore, to convey to the public some important +truths, under a humorous cover, which, without the amusement afforded by +the wrapper would never be even looked at. + +This portion of the work requires no apology. To do as I have done, is +a duty incumbent on any person who has the means of doing good, afforded +him by such an extensive circulation of his works, as I have been +honoured with. + +I have already expressed some doubts whether I shall be enabled to +furnish a second series of this work or not. In this uncertainty, I will +not omit this, perhaps my only opportunity, of making my most grateful +acknowledgments, for the very great measure of indulgence I have +received, from the public on both sides of the Atlantic, and of +expressing a hope that Mr. Slick, who has been so popular as a +Clockmaker may prove himself equally deserving of favour as "an +Attache." + +I have the honour to subscribe myself, + +Your most obedient servant, + +THE AUTHOR. + +London, July 1st., 1843. + + +THE END. + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's The Attache, by Thomas Chandler Haliburton + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE ATTACHE *** + +***** This file should be named 7822.txt or 7822.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/7/8/2/7822/ + +Produced by Gardner Buchanan + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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