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diff --git a/77828-h/77828-h.htm b/77828-h/77828-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..8e76941 --- /dev/null +++ b/77828-h/77828-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,3864 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html> +<html lang="en"> +<head> + <meta charset="UTF-8"> + <meta name="viewport" content="width=device-width, initial-scale=1"> + <title> + There’s not a bathing suit in Russia & other bare facts | Project Gutenberg + </title> + <link rel="icon" href="images/cover.jpg" type="image/x-cover"> + <style> + +body { + margin-left: 10%; + margin-right: 10%; +} + +h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 { + text-align: center; + clear: both; +} + +p { + margin-top: .51em; + text-align: justify; + margin-bottom: .49em; +} + +hr { + width: 33%; + margin-top: 2em; + margin-bottom: 2em; + margin-left: 33.5%; + margin-right: 33.5%; + clear: both; +} + +hr.chap {width: 65%; margin-left: 17.5%; margin-right: 17.5%;} +@media print { hr.chap {display: none; visibility: hidden;} } + +div.chapter {page-break-before: always;} +h2.nobreak {page-break-before: avoid;} + +table { + margin-left: auto; + margin-right: auto; +} +table.autotable { border-collapse: collapse; } +table.autotable td, +table.autotable th { padding: 0.25em; } + +.tdl {text-align: left;} +.tdr {text-align: right;} + +.pagenum { + position: absolute; + left: 92%; + font-size: small; + text-align: right; + font-style: normal; + font-weight: normal; + font-variant: normal; + text-indent: 0; +} + +blockquote { + margin-top: 0; + margin-bottom: 0; + margin-left: 5%; + margin-right: 10%; +} + +.center {text-align: center;} + +.right {text-align: right;} + +.large {font-size: large;} + +.xlarge {font-size: x-large;} + +.bold {font-weight: bold;} + +figcaption {font-weight: bold;} +figcaption p {margin-top: 0; margin-bottom: .2em; text-align: inherit;} + +img { + max-width: 100%; + height: auto; +} +img.w100 {width: 100%;} + + +.figcenter { + margin: auto; + text-align: center; + page-break-inside: avoid; + max-width: 100%; +} + +.transnote {background-color: #E6E6FA; + color: black; + font-size:small; + padding:0.5em; + margin-bottom:5em; + font-family:sans-serif, serif; +} + + +.illowp15 {width: 15%;} +.illowp45 {width: 45%;} + </style> +</head> +<body> +<div style='text-align:center'>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 77828 ***</div> + + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_1">[Pg 1]</span></p> + + +<p class="center xlarge bold"> +<i>THERE’S NOT A BATHING SUIT IN RUSSIA</i> +</p> + +<p class="center xlarge bold"> +By Will Rogers +</p> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> +<div class="chapter"> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_2">[Pg 2]</span></p> + +<p class="right large"><i>If you like the following subjects +you will just love this text book.</i></p> + + +<p class="right large"> + § Mary Garden § Aviation § Vodka § Bathing Bareback §<br> + Whiskers, <i>long ones</i> § Propaganda, <i>all sorts</i> §<br> + Free Love § Bombs § Grand Dukes & Princesses § and +</p> + +<p class="right large"><i>21 other wrong ways to run a country</i></p> + +<figure class="figcenter illowp15" style="max-width: 120px;"> + <img class="w100" src="images/i_000frontispiece.jpg" alt=""> +</figure> + + +<p class="center large bold">With Illustrations by Herb Roth</p> + +<p class="center"> + 1927<br> + New York<br> + Albert & Charles Boni +</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_3">[Pg 3]</span></p> + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> + +<div class="chapter"> + +<p class="center xlarge bold"> +By Will Rogers +</p> +</div> + +<h1> + There’s Not a<br> + Bathing Suit<br> + in Russia<br> + <i>& Other Bare Facts</i> +</h1> +<br> + + <figure class="figcenter illowp15" style="max-width: 120px;"> + <img src="images/i_000title.jpg" alt=""> +</figure> + +<p class="center large bold">With Illustrations by Herb Roth</p> +<p class="center"> + 1927<br> + New York<br> + Albert & Charles Boni +</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_4">[Pg 4]</span></p> +</div> + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> + +<div class="chapter"> +<p class="center"> + <i>Copyright, 1927, by Albert & Charles Boni, Inc.</i><br> + <br> + <br> + <i>Copyright, 1927, by the Curtis Publishing Co.</i><br> + <i>Manufactured in the United States of America</i> +</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_5">[Pg 5]</span></p> +</div> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> +<div class="chapter"> + <h2 class="nobreak" id="CONTENTS"> + <i>CONTENTS</i> + </h2> +</div> + +<a href="#CONTENTS"></a> +<table class="autotable"> +<tr> +<td class="tdl"> </td> +<td class="tdr">PAGE</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdl"><a href="#INTRODUCTION">Introduction</a></td> +<td class="tdr">7</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdl"><a href="#I">One</a></td> +<td class="tdr">23</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdl"><a href="#II">Two</a></td> +<td class="tdr">35</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdl"><a href="#III">Three</a></td> +<td class="tdr">57</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdl"><a href="#IV">Four</a></td> +<td class="tdr">80</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdl"><a href="#V">Five</a></td> +<td class="tdr">100</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdl"><a href="#VI">Six</a></td> +<td class="tdr">113</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdl"><a href="#VII">Seven</a></td> +<td class="tdr">130</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdl"><a href="#VIII">Eight</a></td> +<td class="tdr">140</td> +</tr> +</table> + + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> +<div class="chapter"> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_6">[Pg 6]</span></p> + + + <h2 class="nobreak"> + <i>ILLUSTRATIONS</i> + </h2> +</div> + + + +<table class="autotable"> +<tr> +<td class="tdl"> </td> +<td class="tdr">PAGE</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdl"><a href="#i_009">If he escaped very fast he is a Grand Duke</a></td> +<td class="tdr">9</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdl"><a href="#i_027">I thought somebody had loaded me up with molten lead</a></td> +<td class="tdr">27</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdl"><a href="#i_039">One woman did get over with a safe, she had it hid in her bathing cap</a></td> +<td class="tdr">39</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdl"><a href="#i_043">That is called the mountain region of Holland</a></td> +<td class="tdr">43</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdl"><a href="#i_061">Lithuania? Why, I never even heard of it</a></td> +<td class="tdr">61</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdl"><a href="#i_067">My one impression of Russia</a></td> +<td class="tdr">67</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdl"><a href="#i_075">I didn’t get a shave, figuring I might pass as a native</a></td> +<td class="tdr">75</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdl"><a href="#i_083">Everybody said—“They have spies and secret police all over the place”</a></td> +<td class="tdr">83</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdl"><a href="#i_091">I didn’t hardly expect Trotzky to make any faces for me or to turn a few somersaults</a></td> +<td class="tdr">91</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdl"><a href="#i_095">He has served his term in Siberia under the Czar</a></td> +<td class="tdr">95</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdl"><a href="#i_127">They start at the cradle with them in Russia</a></td> +<td class="tdr">127</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdl"><a href="#i_131">If there is a bathing suit in Russia, somebody is using it for an overcoat</a></td> +<td class="tdr">131</td> +</tr> +</table> + + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> +<div class="chapter"> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_7">[Pg 7]</span></p> + + + <h2 class="nobreak" id="INTRODUCTION"> + <i>INTRODUCTION</i> + </h2> +</div> + + +<p><i>Now there has been more said and written +about Russia than there has been about +Honesty in Politics and Farmers’ Relief, +and there has been just as little done about +it as about either of those two.</i></p> + +<p><i>I should have written earlier about Russia, +but everybody was writing, and I thought +I would wait till they all got through; but +they are not going to get through. They +just keep on writing about Russia. It looks +like anyone is an amateur in Literature if +they havent exhibited Russia’s horoscope to +a picture-reading public.</i></p> + +<p><i>More people break into Sunday Editions +with an article on Russia than do by murdering +their husbands or swimming the +Channel. If you can’t get into the papers, +never did get in, and are about losing hope +of having anything get in, why—here is the +greatest tip to ambitious amateur literary +careers—write something on Russia and you +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_8">[Pg 8]</span>will replace some regular writer that day. +Russia is the biggest Country in the World, +and men and Women write authoritative +opinions on it that couldent give you a bird’s-eye +view of the Principality of Monaco, and +you can take a handful of green apples and +stand on a hill and hit everybody in Monaco.</i></p> + +<p><i>It has always been a source of wonder to +me that Patricia Ziegfeld, Baby Peggy, +Paulina Longworth or Nick Altrock have +never written a book on Russia. Some Congressmen +come over to Paris to investigate +the Cafés, have four cocktails and a Russian +caviar sandwich—which they dident like, but +the rest was doing it—go back home and tell +of the condition as it exists today in Russia.</i></p> + +<p><i>Russia has one peculiarity that I don’t +think any other country ever enjoyed—that +is, that every female gender that come out +of there is a Princess, and the lowest form +of a title in the way of an escaped male is +a Duke, and if he escaped very fast he is +a Grand Duke. From the amount of Titles +out of there, one would gather right away +that the sole purpose of the Revolution, proposed +and carried out, was not to assist the +downtrodden, as is generally supposed, but +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_9">[Pgs 9-10]</span> +to promote foreign travel among the Princesses +and Dukes.</i></p> + +<figure class="figcenter illowp45" id="i_009" style="max-width: 958px;"> + <img src="images/i_009.jpg" alt=""> + <figcaption> + <p>If he escaped very fast he is a Grand Duke.</p> + </figcaption> +</figure> + +<br> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_11"></a>[Pg 11]</span></p> + +<p><i>Escaped statistics show that among males, +72 per cent. were Grand Dukes and the other +28 per cent. just Dukes. Women were all +100 per cent. Princesses. You spend half +your time in Paris listening to some exiled +American telling you hard-luck stories about +former Russian nobility. “The fellow who +just opened the Taxi door in front of this +American Rat Trap you are now in was a +Grand Duke and, brother, just two Revolutions +removed from the Czar.” They are +all kin to the Czar. “The Girl you mortgaged +your hat too as you come in was the +Czarina’s principal Lady in waiting”; also +related to the family. The bus boy—he is +the fellow they use so the waiter will have +somebody to lay the blame on—was a Duke, +and he would have been Grand if the thing +had lasted. In fact you are in a nest of royal +relatives. Telephone girls were Princesses, +Taxi drivers used to be Dukes—all, as I say, +related to the Czar.</i></p> + +<p><i>Any man with that many kinfolks, no +wonder something happened to him. I bet +if the truth was found out, he organized his +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_12">[Pg 12]</span>own death personally. If I had some of the +kinfolks he was supposed to have had, I +would have hired assassins to exterminate me +very early in life. They tell of one fellow +that was very, very near the Czar—perhaps +a twin. Well, he is selling Peanuts on the +street. We tried to find him, not because I +was interested in his case, but I wanted some +Peanuts. I have yet to hear of one that was +doing well. Yet they bother you for hours, +telling you how polished and highly educated +and cultured they were. They seem +to know what temperature to drink their +wine at, but most of them don’t know how +to make a dollar to buy the wine.</i></p> + +<p><i>Now if that is all any of them can do, +how was it they thought they could run a +tremendous country like Russia? A fellow +will seek his level, I don’t care where you +are. If opening Taxi doors in front of +Vodka Joints and helping a waiter break +dishes is as high as their ability will carry +them in eight years, it shows they should +have been doing that all the time. All those +good years they had in Russia was not due +to any of their own efforts.</i></p> + +<p><i>If the present Republican régime was +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_13">[Pg 13]</span>thrown over, and were all banished from the +District of Columbia, none are going to open +any Taxicab doors for anybody but themselves. +They might not get into anything +as big as the White House or Czar’s Palace, +but they will have one big enough that the +help problem will bother. Even the Congressmen +may not be able to plant their own +Gardens with Government seed and mail +letters for nothing. Yet you won’t see any +of them have to resort to peddling goobers +on anybody’s street. They can even pull the +Cabinet Chairs out from under that band of +accomplices who plot against us once a week; +they will hit the floor, but they will come +back up out of it with nothing hurt but their +political pride. They can always dig up +enough for the next Campaign fund.</i></p> + +<p><i>Of course, at times they may wish, like +the deposed Russian Noblemen, for the old +régime back, and mull over the good old +days when they used to sit around the old +White House hearth and laughingly discuss +the League of Nations and Philippine Independence; +but they will always be able to +seek their level. Revolution, in the way of +Democrats uprising and buying enough +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_14">[Pg 14]</span>votes to depose us, might be sorter disconcerting +for the time being; but they never +would have to worry about where those +Flapjacks and Maple sirup was coming +from.</i></p> + +<p><i>Now, I may be hard-hearted, but I just +couldent seem to work myself up into any +great frenzy of tears over the old Dukes and +Princesses. They carry a lot of long, high-sounding +names, but mighty little sympathy. +They can converse in a lot of languages, but +they’re not strong on making a living in any +of them. They have spent a lifetime trying +to learn how to dance in a Ballroom, but +they have never learned it good enough to +get paid for it. The old American is there +with the uncouthness, but he never comes in +on a pass. His rudeness is unintentional and +not studied.</i></p> + +<p><i>I bet you if I had met a Russian in Paris +and he had said, “I was a poor Peasant in +Russia before the War; I never had anything +in my life; I always had to work very +hard; I never in all my life even saw the +Czar; I had no culture, either then or now, +no refinement, no education; I was just +struggling along”—say, I could have taken +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_15">[Pg 15]</span>that kind of a Russian out in Paris and told +them about him and collected him a million +Francs. People would have gone crazy over +him, he would have been such a novelty. Of +course there is no such one. If there was, +he is perhaps President of a Bank in Paris, +or else he is perhaps Premier a day or so +every once in a while. No, Sir; the poor +ability of many of the Russians that come +out of there has really been more of a boost +for the Revolution than any other one thing.</i></p> + +<p><i>Well, when I saw they were not going to +quit writing about Russia, why, I am going +to get busy and write the most novel +thing on Russia that was ever written. I +have had a research made, and there has +never been a book on Russia that tells you +what I am going to tell you, and there has +been more ink wasted on Russia and Prohibition +than any other two subjects in the +world, both equally unsettleable.</i></p> + +<p><i>Now here is the novelty and truth of my +Book on Russia:</i></p> + +<p><i>I am the only person that ever wrote on +Russia that admits he don’t know a thing +about it.</i></p> + +<p><i>And on the other hand, I know just as +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_16">[Pg 16]</span>much about Russia as anybody that ever +wrote about it.</i></p> + +<p><i>Nobody knows anything about Russia.</i></p> + +<p><i>I have read dozens of books and hundreds +of Articles by various people, such as “The +Real Russia, by one who spent five years +in a Moscow jail”; “My ten years banishment +in Siberia, by a real Russian”; “The +Heart of Russia”; “Russia as I know it, by +a House Detective”; and millions of others. +Now how is anybody going to find anything +out about Russia by spending five years in a +Moscow jail? Or ten years in Siberia wouldent +give you any too good a line on the financial +or economic future of the Empire.</i></p> + +<p><i>Now just stop and think a minute. Suppose +somebody come to you tomorrow and +said, “Tell us about America.” Now how +could you tell ’em about America, in an +Article, a Book, or a dozen volumes, or a +thousand volumes? It’s too big; nobody +could tell about it. Suppose somebody tried +to write on The Heart of America. Why, +Lord, we can’t even keep track of the toe of +Maine or the heel of California, much less +the heart! Now if nobody could write a composite +Article on America, how are they +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_17">[Pg 17]</span>going to do it on Russia, a country that is +so much bigger than us that we would rattle +around in it like an idea in Congress?</i></p> + +<p><i>I have even read all I could find that +Lenin and Trotzky said about Russia, and +it don’t give me any better idea than Mutt +and Jeff.</i></p> + +<p><i>Just get this size and composition of Russia +and her people and see how anybody +could tell you anything about Russia: It’s +the largest continuous domain in the World; +it covers nearly one-sixth of the total surface +of the earth; there is over one hundred different +Nationalities live inside the Soviet +Union. Get the statistics of these nationalities; +it reads like a New York Telephone +Directory—70,000,000 great Russians; +3,000,000 Jews in the western part of the +Union; 1,000,000 Germans on the Volga; +500,000 Greeks along the northern coast of +the Black Sea; Moldavians, Bessarabians, +Georgians; 500,000 Armenians; 1,000,000 +Persians; Ossentines, Ingushes, Circassians, +Abkhasians, Checkenians. Why, there is +5,000,000 Tartars! Boy, what a sauce that +is alone! And eighty other races that even +the census man hasent got to yet.</i></p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_18">[Pg 18]</span></p> + +<p><i>Talk about the Lost Tribe of Israel! +Say, they could have been in Russia all this +time and never be lost at all, and still nobody +would have found them.</i></p> + +<p><i>Now scramble all that together and let +somebody think they can diagnose it. Russia +is the boarding-house hash of Nations. +Hash, Russia and flivvers are three things +nobody has ever been able to catalogue the +contents.</i></p> + +<p><i>Trying to tell what Russia is is like trying +to tell the difference between a Conservative +Republican and a Progressive +Democrat. If you are a visiting Communist, +or have Communistic leanings, why, naturally +you will write of it from their accomplishment +point of view, and are liable to—accidentally—leave +out any little defects you +might have seen.</i></p> + +<p><i>Then on the other hand, if you are not +the least bit in sympathy with any part of +their program, why, you naturally are not +liable to let yourself see anything that has +any merit in it. So, if you are looking for +me to solve the Russian Problem, you are +not going to get it done. Now a Congressman +could do it in twenty minutes and a +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_19">[Pgs 19-22]</span>Senator in ten, but it stuck me. But I tell +you what I am going to do—I am just going +to be like a prisoner at the bar when +some wise, old good-natured Judge who +wants to get the facts asks, “Will you please +tell the Court in your own way and your +own language just what happened on the +entire night of June the twelfth?” Now +that’s what I am going to do. I am just +going to tell you everything I saw and what +happened here in Russia in the last few +weeks.</i></p> + + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> + +<div class="chapter"> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_23"></a>[Pg 23]</span></p> +</div> + + +<div class="chapter"> + <h2 class="nobreak"> + <i>THERE’S NOT A BATHING + SUIT IN RUSSIA</i> + </h2> +</div> + + + <h2 class="nobreak" id="I"> + I + </h2> + + + +<p>I was passing through Paris and looking +for a good show and somebody suggested the +House of Deputies. It’s a Satire on our +Congress, so that will set you laughing right +there. It was the best thing I ever saw +in Europe in the way of entertainment. A +man on one Party was trying to make a +speech and the Socialists and the Labor +Members on the other—who were in the +minority, but they sure wasent when it come +to making noise. This old Boy had no more +chance of being heard than a Republican +vote has being counted in a Tammany election.</p> + +<p>They would get up and run at each other +and shake their fists. You would think the +whole thing would be murder. But they +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_24">[Pg 24]</span>don’t really fight any oftener than Dempsey. +I could take this same troupe to America +and rent the Hippodrome and I can get +them enough money to pay their debts. +New York would go crazy over a show like +that. Over home we couldent understand +how people could be so mad at each other +and even live in the same country.</p> + +<p>This last fellow, Poincaré, had the right +idea. The minute they put him in he made +a motion that the Chamber adjourn for the +rest of the summer. So they couldent throw +him out till they met again. That assured +him of a few weeks Steady work. After I +come out of this show, I had a date to eat +Dinner with Morris Gest, the Miracle Man +and organizer of the late Russian invasion to +America. Morris is just soaked full of Art, +and I wanted to see at close range just how +a real artistic temperament acted. I like +Morris with or without Art; everybody likes +Morris.</p> + +<p>I have known him since away back in the +old Hammerstein’s Victoria, which had +nothing to do with Art—it was entertainment. +He had just come out of Russia—he +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_25">[Pg 25]</span>and Ashton Stevens, of Chicago, the +only Dramatic Critic that ever learned William +Randolph Hearst to play the Banjo. +They had been in looking over this year’s +Art crop and they claimed it looked like a +bumper year. Balieff—you all knowed +Balieff, the best bald-headed Comedian that +ever stepped out from behind plush curtains. +You have laughed and admired his artistic +show for years, the Chauv Surrey, or +Sworee, or something like that. He is a real +Artist, this Balieff.</p> + +<p>Well, we went to one of those Russian +layouts that have littered up Paris. Everywhere +there used to be a coal cellar there +is a Russian Restaurant now. They asked +me if I had ever had a taste of Vodka, and +they poured out a little small glass of what +I thought was water. It was the most innocent-looking +thing I ever saw.</p> + +<p>Then all said just drink it all down at +one swig; nobody can sip Vodka. Well, I +had no idea what the stuff was, and for a +second I thought somebody had loaded me +up with molten lead, and I hollered for +water.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_26">[Pg 26]</span></p> + +<p>Now over in Europe the water is in quart +bottles, and here was this Vodka in another +quart bottle, and it looks exactly like +water; and this Clown Balieff, thinking +quick, immediately grabbed the Vodka and +loaded up the glass again; and me thinking +it was the water, and my throat a-burning, +why, I gulped it down quick, and here I +was just twice as bad off as I had been. +If I could have seen which one to hit I +would have swung on him, but they already +were blurred. Lord, what quick results that +stuff delivers!</p> + +<p>I asked, “Where do they get this white +Iodine?” They informed me then that that +was Russia’s national dissipation. Why, +that old white corn down South would be +branch water compared to this stuff. Jack +Brandy and White Mule would be used as +a chaser where this stuff come from. How +they can concentrate so much insensibility +into one prescription is almost a chemical +wonder. This Balieff, the native of that +land of boots and blood, then related to me +the recipe, which reads as follows:</p> + +<p>One half bushel of old Potato peelings; +fourteen ears of Russian corn, or maise, Cob +and stalk included; four top and soles of +worn Russian boots; five grams of Giant +Powder; three Bombs chopped up fine. +Mix all this in a washtub full of Vulgar +River water, add two Revolutions and serve.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_27">[Pgs 27-28]</span></p> + + +<figure class="figcenter illowp45" id="i_027" style="max-width: 963px;"> + <img src="images/i_027.jpg" alt=""> + <figcaption> + <p>I thought somebody had loaded me up with + molten lead.</p> + </figcaption> +</figure> + +<br> + + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_28"></a><a id="Page_29"></a>[Pg 29]</span></p> + +<p>Well, I will tell you how these two accidental +shots acted on me. We dident +know where to go, and Gest suggested that +we go up to the Opera; that it was Mary +Garden’s last night singing there. Well, +it was too late. They had been turning people +away since the day before. But you +can’t stick Morry, so we waited till the time +the show was over and we went into Mary’s +dressing room. Her and Morry and all +these others were great friends. I had never +had the pleasure of meeting her, but she had +been responsible for me going on the Concert +tour; for she ribbed Charley Wagner +up to it, as they were old Pals. So when I +come in with them, Mary rushed right over +and threw her arms around me and kissed +me, and to show you how this Vodka was +working, I wouldent push her away; in fact +I dident even get mad at her. ’Course, +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_30">[Pg 30]</span>there is not much use going on with the +story. About the only moral I can get out +of it is, take two swigs of Vodka and then +start hunting Mary Garden.</p> + +<p>Well, that begin to give me a whole lot +of encouragement. I had never been able +to get near Mary Garden before. So I +started in by asking, “Where is this country +that can manafacture such explosives in liquid +form? Mebbe they got something that goes +with it. Any Nation that’s ingenious can’t +be confined to one good idea.”</p> + +<p>They said, “It’s Russia, Bud; it’s Russia.”</p> + +<p>Now if there is one thing that is a worry +to us, it is too much drinking going on over +home. I thought up to this that we had +the world beat on the collecting of unique +articles and scrambling them together and +selling the combination under the nom de +plume of a livable beverage. But if I can +get this Vodka stuff, I will be able to cut +the drinking down one-half and mebbe +three-fourths. One tiny sip of this Vodka +poison and it will do the same amount of +material damage to mind and body that an +American strives for for hours.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_31">[Pg 31]</span></p> + +<p>I am—and I think every prohibitionist +is—for anything that will cut our drinking +down and get it over with as soon as possible. +If we must sin, let’s sin quick and +don’t let it be a long, lingering sinning. So +I asked them, “Where do you get a Veesay +to this Utopia?”</p> + +<p>Now that is the whole story to Vodka. +The recipe I have is only problematical. Nobody +in the world knows what it is made out +of, and the reason I tell you this is that the +story of Vodka is the story of Russia. Nobody +knows what Russia is made out of, or +what it is liable to cause its inhabitants to +do next.</p> + +<p>Well, I sure did want to go somewhere +where I wouldent be continually reminded +that “On the right you will see the Fountains +of Versailles”; or “That is the Houses +of Parliament, where all the laws of England +are made”; or “That is the dome of +St. Peter’s.”</p> + +<p>I asked Morry Gest, “Do they have rubber +neck wagons up there?” He answered +in the negative. I think it’s negative when +you say no, ain’t it?</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_32">[Pg 32]</span></p> + +<p>Ashton Stevens then pulled the best Gag +of the entire tour: “You know, Will, you +are just about the poorest dressed Actor +I know; in fact that assertion takes in people +that are not Actors. Well, as bad as +you look when and if you get to Russia, for +once in your life you will be the best dressed +man in the biggest country in the world.”</p> + +<p>Well, I went right over to London and +made application for one of those famous +Veesays. Russia has an Embassy in London; +it’s a kind of an unofficial one. They +recognize Russia just enough to sell ’em +something. It’s a sorter “You can stay as +long as we are doing business, but socially +we have lost your address.” In other words, +they hate ’em at heart but love ’em financially.</p> + +<p>It’s pretty hard to get into Russia. Your +application has to be sent to Moscow and +be approved or rejected. I had a nice chat +with the fellow who put in my application +and then hopped out for Geneva to see the +Preliminary Disarmament Conference. It +had been then going a few days and I figured +that everybody’s Navy would be +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_33">[Pg 33]</span>scrapped; that the Airships would be beat +into windmills, poison gases would be turned +into fertalizing Nitrates, and that every +Army would be released to join Jazz bands.</p> + +<p>They are still over there, and they all have +to be personally armed before they will go in +and confer with each other. Again I ask, +will we please stop anybody going anywhere +to confer with anybody unless it’s his Doctor? +And then he is just losing time. The +only time we ever attract any attention at a +conference is when we don’t go. There has +been more talk about us and the League of +Nations through being out of it than there +ever would have been in the World if we +were in it. You know yourself that you +have gone to a lot of things that afterwards +you had wished you hadent gone too. Nobody +can ever get in wrong by not attending +anything. But every time you go you take a +chance either of getting in wrong or being +misunderstood.</p> + +<p>Well, after prowling around Switzerland, +Italy, Spain and France and all of +them, Mary Garden come into my mind +again; and naturally that brought up Vodka, +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_34">[Pg 34]</span>for if it hadent been for that Vodka I would +never known what Mary Garden perfume +smelled like on the original. So I wires +over to London to see what has happened +to the application for the Veesay. They +wire back collect that it is laying right there +and that all I have to do is to come and +get it and start getting in Russia.</p> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> +<div class="chapter"> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_35">[Pg 35]</span></p> + + + <h2 class="nobreak" id="II"> + II + </h2> +</div> + + +<p>Well, I fly back over to London. By +this time I have done so much flying that +if I was in the Army I would be like Colonel +Mitchell. I would be thrown out for +not staying on the ground more. When I +got to the Embassy there was a bunch of +about ten young American Bolsheviki’s +signing up their passports. They had come +from various colleges over home and were +going to Russia by boat; a couple of girls +among them, and two gentlemen who’s ancestors +come from below the Mason and +Dixon Line. So if you hear of your washwoman +or cook advocating: “Is I am a communist? +I ain’t nothing else but. I believes +in everything dividing up. Says which?” +Well, you will then realize that communism +has penetrated the black belt.</p> + +<p>These two boys may turn out to be the +Lenin and Trotzky of Birmingham. They +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_36">[Pg 36]</span>will have every Crap shooter on Octavus +Roy Cohen’s beat sharing his winnings with +the losers. We may see the time when your +Gin will be everybody’s gin. They were +going up by boat. I don’t want any more +boat than is absolutely necessary at any +time. So I was going in by Airship. I had +been aviating so much around Europe that +to go anywhere on a train seems too much +like walking to me.</p> + +<p>I left London one morning about 9:30. +Flew over some of the prettiest country +before striking out across the Channel. +Looked over the edge of the plane all the +way across the Channel, watching crowds +of American Women swimming it. One old +Lady was a great Grandmother and she had +three generations of daughters swimming +it with her. You could see crowds of men +standing on the shore waiting for a smooth +sea to cross it in a boat.</p> + +<p>One woman of Irish and Jewish parentage, +but who had become a naturalized +American last year, was swimming over and +back without touching. Another American +woman of Peruvian parentage on both her +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_37">[Pg 37]</span>Father and Mother’s side was training on +the shore at Dover at Pole vaulting—she +was going to jump the Channel. There +was two or three Ladies of recent American +Citizenship who were on the plane with us; +but we come down when we reached the +beach and their husbands made them get +out and swim across—told them they would +meet them on the other side. One of the +Ladies said she couldent do that; she had +tried it before and dident make it, and she +knew that she couldent do it. She was right +away accused of being masculine, when in +reality it was discovered that she was an +offspring of generations of pure American +stock.</p> + +<p>The funniest sight of all I saw looking +over that day was one old lady swimming +in and towing her husband over on her back. +There was one traffic cop out in the middle—well, +what you would call a copess. She +was just treading water and playing around +out there, directing the other swimmers. +Every few days somebody would row out +and leave her some provisions. She was +of Eskimo parentage, but when we took over +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_38">[Pg 38]</span>Alaska she was in that deal and become an +American.</p> + +<p>The English customs authorities have to +be very careful. When the first American +contingent came to land—Miss Ederle—they +held her for an hour till they could go +through every pocket of her bathing suit, +looking for Cigars, Cigarettes, Spiritious +liquors and perfumes. A girl the other day +got away pretty lucky. When she got about +a mile from shore she dropped the smuggled +goods and then swam back out there the +next day and dived down and got them. +The English authorities are pretty particular +that way; it’s hard for swimmers to +smuggle in much. One woman did get over +with a safe. She had it hid in her bathing +cap.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_39">[Pgs 39-40]</span></p> + +<figure class="figcenter illowp45" id="i_039" style="max-width: 60.8125em;"> + <img class="w100" src="images/i_039.jpg" alt=""> + <figcaption> + <p>One woman did get over with a safe, she had it hid + in her bathing cap.</p> + </figcaption> +</figure> + + +<br> + +<p>This swimming has not only called for a +new definition in the Dictionary describing +which is the weaker sex but it has brought +on a great deal more than that. It has demonstrated +just how close together England +and France are, and that’s what’s hurting +them. Neither one of them wants to be +close to each other. If we could have given +<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_41"></a>[Pg 41]</span>some kind of demonstration that would have +proved that they were really further apart +in mileage than they are, why, both Nations +would have hailed it as a God-given discovery. +But this bringing them closer together +has got them more sore at America than +ever. We can do more things that get us +in wrong unintentionally than any Nation +in the world. So it looks like the next war +between France and England will be fought +in bathing suits. The way women are showing +up men swimmers, it’s not monkey +glands men need, but fish glands.</p> + +<p>Well, after we had waved good-by to the +swimmers, why, we turned up along the +coast of France and Belgium and landed +at Ostend. That’s a regular junction point +of Airships. They hollered: “Change planes +for Cologne, Vienna, Paris, Constantinople +and all points south! This plane goes to +Rotterdam, Amsterdam. Change there for +Berlin, Warsaw and Copenhagen.” It reminded +me of the old Frisco depot in Monett, +Missouri, when we used to pull in +there after shipping cattle to St. Louis to +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_42">[Pgs 42-44]</span>Strahorn, Hutton and Evans. You remember +the train splits three ways. One +goes to Kansas, one to Arkansas; and the +same one goes right on down through Oklahoma, +to Claremore, the principal stop.</p> + +<p>Well, there at Ostend they had—and do +at all these airship places—a regular little +Harvey eating house, where you can go in +and wrestle with the food and the language. +Planes was dropping and going out from +everywheres. We had about twenty minutes, +and I crawled back in this old Aerial +Barge of ours and we breezed along on up +the coast. It was mighty inspiring. We +passed The Hague, looked over and saw +the old Peace Palace, where they were going +to meet to stop all wars. It’s turned +into an ammunition factory and Army drill +hall.</p> + +<p>Flying over Holland in an Airship is the +only real way to see it, ’cause if you are +down on the level—and if you are in Holland +you will be standing on the level—Holland’s +highest point is eight feet six and +a third inches above sea level. That is called +<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_43"></a><a id="Page_44"></a><a id="Page_45"></a>[Pg 45]</span>the mountain region of Holland, that’s +where they do their skiing and winter sports. +Mind you, it’s the prettiest little country +you ever saw in your life. Just look down +and see those hundreds of canals and boats +going along all of them. Your farm is not +fenced off from your neighbor’s; there is +just a canal between you and him. You +either visit by boat or holler over. If your +next-farm neighbor starts to walk over to +you some night, he may get there, but he +will arrive wet. There is no road-contracting +graft in Holland, no road commissions. +All roads come under the heading of Harbor +and Dock Commissions. If there is a flivver +in Holland, it has oars on it instead of +wheels.</p> + +<figure class="figcenter illowp45" id="i_043" style="max-width: 119.9375em;"> + <img class="w100" src="images/i_043.jpg" alt=""> + <figcaption> + <p>That is called the mountain region of Holland.</p> + </figcaption> +</figure> + + +<br> + +<p>She sure is a pretty dairying Country. +Those old big black cows with a white +bandage around their stomachs don’t seem +to mind at all. You don’t have to brand +your cattle and your herd will never get +mixed up with your neighbor’s unless they +develop web feet or grow a rudder in place +of a tail.</p> + +<p>That windmill Gag that every Artist +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_46">[Pg 46]</span>always pictures with Holland has been kinder +exaggerated. Higgins, Texas, has got +more Windmills than all Holland, and what +I did see looked like they were sorter tired +out; they wasent doing much; they just +seemed to be like a lot of things all over +Europe—they was just trying to get by on +tradition. They wasent what I could call +turning out 100 per cent production. I had +always thought they were located by a little +white house. Say, there is not a little +white house in Holland. There’s not even +a Big white house there. It’s the only +country in the world where there is absolutely +only one color, and a paint man would +starve to death trying to sell any other. +It’s a kind of red, or a dark bay. So don’t +you believe Pictures any more. What makes +everything look white is because it is so clean +and neat and nice.</p> + +<p>Looked for the old Kaiser out in the +yard chopping wood some place, but everybody +was burning coal that I could see. +Guess the old Boy was setting in the house, +brooding over making the wrong jump out +of the King row.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_47">[Pg 47]</span></p> + +<p>Amsterdam was the next stop—changed +planes for Berlin. Everybody got out and +had a few Sandwiches and a couple of steins +of Holland Gin. Into a German plane and +out over Germany. Say, they was farming +too. Little long strips of land laid out instead +of having it all in one big field. They +do that so they can rotate the crops on the +different pieces. Forests, the most beautiful +forests, all out in rows. Every time +they cut down a tree it looks like they +planted two in its place. Every time we +cut one down, the fellow that cuts it down +sets down to have a smoke and celebrate. +He throws his cigarette away and burns up +the rest of the forest.</p> + +<p>We hit Berlin at 5:30 that afternoon. +Just think! Left London at 9:30, had these +stops, seen all these wonderful countries and +was clear over in Berlin in time for a drive +around the city and dinner. I was going +to stop in Berlin on my way back out of +Russia, so at two o’clock in the morning, or +night, I left for Russia. You go to By +Königsberg. Well, I had been in planes in +the daytime, but driving away out there +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_48">[Pg 48]</span>in a taxi alone and crawling into an airship +in the night-time is no particular relief to +a Comedian. This was a big German +Junker. Not only had two engines and two +propellers but three, one big one in front +and two others as assistants.</p> + +<p>Well, when a German outfit say they are +going to leave at two o’clock, don’t you get +there at one minute past two. If you do, +you will just hear the propeller buzzing +around up in the air. She was dark as we +left. We had about twelve on board. She +gets light pretty quick and early up there; +and seeing the lights down the streets as we +flew over the city and out across country, +day soon begin to break and the fog and +clouds in the low places made you think +every minute you were flying right out over +the ocean, and these clouds looked like big +waves. There was a regular light line miles +apart that was a big light revolving with +different colors and no matter how dark, +the pilot could see where he was going.</p> + +<p>But she was light within less than a hour. +They had a wireless or radio on there, getting +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_49">[Pg 49]</span>weather conditions ahead of them. We +got into Königsberg about eight o’clock, +went in and had breakfast and come out, +and there was a German Fokker. It was the +one we were to make the long hop from +there to Moscow in. It was piloted by the +funniest looking old chuckleheaded, shave-haired +Russian boy that dident look like +he was over twenty. But say, Bub, that +clown could sure rein that thing around +and make it say Uncle and play dead and +roll over. He was an Aviator.</p> + +<p>It dident do my nerve any good when +they pointed our plane out to me, for it had +only one engine. You know, there is some +confidence attached when you know there +is a sort of bevy of engines, and if one goes +wrong, why, some of the others will keep +percolating. But I looked at this one and +thought: “Sister, if you stop on us, we are +just smeared over the landscape of Western +Russia.”</p> + +<p>A single Engine looks awful scarce after +just emerging from one of those Pullman-looking +layouts. She looked to me like she +was naked.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_50">[Pg 50]</span></p> + +<p>Now a while ago I said that was the plane +that we were going to Russia in. I was +mistaken—that was the plane that I was +going to Russia in, for I constituted Russia’s +sole aerial immigration that day. Well, in +one way, I am generous. If I am going to +drop, I don’t want to have the pleasure all +to myself; I want to share it with somebody. +You never want company till danger comes—then +you like to look around and see that +somebody is sorter with you.</p> + +<p>The plane really could seat about five +passengers. There was just room for one, +the Pilot, out in front; and the Mechanic +was in the sort of a compartment with me. +As I got in I commenced to think of all the +jokes I had told about Russia. And then I +remembered that people had remarked to +me they dident know why I had been given +a passport into Russia, when it was so hard +to get one. Well, come to think of it, I +dident either. Then I thought, “Mebbe they +know about some of the jokes and this Aerial +Cossack is about heading right off to Siberia +with me.” I commenced to think what +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_51">[Pg 51]</span>kind of an act I could do for my fellow +exiles away off up there. I dident know a +word of Russian, and this lad in the compartment +with me, or the Pilot either, dident +know a word of American—not even English.</p> + +<p>This littlier plane seemed mighty small +and jumpy to me. But this old Russian +boy pulled the slack out of his reins, kinder +clucked to her, and I want to tell you she +left there right now.</p> + +<p>We headed off for what the ticket said +was to be Russia, but he could have been +going toward South Africa as far as I could +tell anything about it.</p> + +<p>Now this is 8:30 in the morning, and—barring +accidents—this same old wash boiler +is scheduled to breeze into Moscow at 6:30 +that same afternoon, with only one stop, +and that was to be at Smolensk. I could +tell the way he started out that no matter +where he might be headed for, he was certainly +going to do no loitering up in that +air. He just give her her head, and dident +seem to pull up for rivers, Railroad crossings +or mountains. Sitting in there kinder +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_52">[Pg 52]</span>give me time to think things over, or, as +the novelist calls it, soliquizing: Just why +was a bonehead like me breezing off into +Russia, or off into anywhere else? What +was the matter with the Verdigris bottoms +down in old Rogers County, Oklahoma? +Why, there I used to be scared to climb up +as high as the barn loft unless they was a +load of hay being pitched in. I could understand +a man flying out of Russia, but +not in there.</p> + +<p>Well, we are just vaulting from cloud to +cloud and the Country is looking mighty +nice down below, but not good enough to +fall on. I dident know where this Smolensk +was, or what time we was supposed to get +there. You know, I think that what worried +me more than anything else was being +somewhere and not being able to talk to +anybody. I wouldent have minded having +a wreck if I could just have asked him on +the way down “How fast are we falling?” +or any little casual remark, just so he would +have got it. It wasent the height as much +as it was keeping my mouth shut a whole +day.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_53">[Pg 53]</span></p> + +<p>Then I dident know whether I would be +any better off for talk after I did land there. +You know, the thing that impressed me +more away up there, away over in Russia, +was this: Here I am, for no apparent reason, +able to fly from London, England, to +Moscow, Russia, in two days, part of it +over a country that we laugh at and look on +as backward and primitive; and here we +have hundreds of business men in Seattle, +San Francisco, Los Angeles, Chicago, New +Orleans, Talala, and hundreds of Cities like +those that want to get somewhere, mebbe +on account of illness, or thousands of other +reasons, and the best they can get there is +just like their forefathers got two generations +before them. We do more talking +progress than we do progressing.</p> + +<p>You should jump into an Airship in New +York in the morning, go to a show in Denver +that night and on to Los Angeles, with +enough daylight to spare, the second day +to see Mary Pickford’s home, buy a lot and +cuss the climate before bedtime. Just think +of being in something that would go by +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_54">[Pg 54]</span>Chicago without having to stay over all day +and change depots. Look at the lives it +would save there, passing over where nobody +could shoot you.</p> + +<p>No, sir, air is the thing—get people used +to getting up into it. The next war is going +to be all in the air. Nobody ain’t going to +hand you a pair of putties and a Helmet in +the next war. They are going to slip a +throttle of an airship into your hands and +say, “Go aloft and see if you are lucky +enough to come down of your own accord +or will somebody have to bring you down.” +It will be as big a disgrace ten years from +now not to know how to run an airship as it +is now not to know how to run a flivver. +The day of the old General on the gray +horse, standing up on a little mound, waving +his sword telling the other boys where +to go—that’s museum stuff. In the next +war the guy that can grab him a single-seater +and go up and lay behind a cloud +and tell the boys where to go is the real +coming general.</p> + +<p>There will be a great change of public +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_55">[Pg 55]</span>statues in a few years. The fellow standing +there with an old Musket will have to share +honor with the statue swung down from the +clouds on wires, representing a fellow shooting +through his propeller with a machine +gun.</p> + +<p>And I am mighty glad that Henry Ford +took it up. Now you know that Ford +wouldent leave the ground and take to the +air unless things looked pretty good to him +up there. What Borah is to Politics and +fantastical things like that, why, Ford is to +practical business needs. So keep one eye +on that old Boy. He knows more than +what a Ford car is made out of. I knew +he had gone about as far as he could go +on the ground unless you breed more +people.</p> + +<p>So if either party want an issue that you +won’t have to be ashamed of, or stand +astraddle of, why, shout Airships—commercial, +Private, Government, Army, Navy; +and even the air department can do with +another one. Listen and America won’t +have to sit all day in a day coach to get +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_56">[Pg 56]</span>a hundred miles. And say, these trips over +here cost you just about what they would +by first-class fare on the trains when you +consider sleepers and all. It’s not expensive +traveling.</p> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> +<div class="chapter"> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_57">[Pg 57]</span></p> + + + <h2 class="nobreak" id="III"> + III + </h2> +</div> + + +<p>Well, I must get back up in the air again +and quit monkeying my time away trying +to advise. We are flying along, and all at +once I feel the old Overland stage a-kinder +doing like she was circling. I couldent +imagine what that was for. I dident know +we had to fly around any corners or sharp +turns in going from one place to another, +unless they was fixing the road and he had +to detour. Then I felt her nose heading +down like a bronc when he starts to swallow +his head.</p> + +<p>I looked out to see if there was going to +be a traffic accident or what we was dodging, +and below was a little town along a +river. He kept circling and getting lower, +and there I could see right under us then +an aviation field. You could see other +planes down there. Well, the main thing +you got to watch in an Aviator is how he +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_58">[Pg 58]</span>gets down. All of them have got up, but +few can get down right. This bird could +have lit on an egg and never broke it. We +skimmed along like a flat rock on the water +and he brought her up short and nice like +a real hand reins a good horse.</p> + +<p>We piled out and I noticed these old +Hombres getting out their passports and I +started reaching for mine. That’s the one +thing you want to carry in your hand anywhere +in Europe. It might be a forged one +and no good, but they just seem to get a +pleasure out of having you dig for it. Well, +the officer that took it started in yapping +about something, and I told him he was +fooling away his time and wasting some +kind of mighty good language on me; that I +dident even know what the language was, +much less the words; that I spoke only English, +and that up to only two syllables. He +went off and dug up another one that knew +a little of it. There was a lot of Soldiers +and a lot of activity there.</p> + +<p>This new one said to me, “You have no +Veesay.” In other words, I dident have an +O.K. on my passport.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_59">[Pg 59]</span></p> + +<p>Well, that sho threw a scare into me. +Here I have come all the way here and gone +to all that trouble, and now there is something +the matter with it. I grabbed at it +and showed him what damage the Russians +had done to it in London for quite a few +dollars.</p> + +<p>“Yes, Russia; but no Lithuania.”</p> + +<p>“Lithuania? Lithuania? Why, I never +even heard of it, much less getting a passport +to it! Where is it? Where are we anyway? +I thought I was going to Russia.”</p> + +<figure class="figcenter illowp45" id="i_061" style="max-width: 61.0625em;"> + <img class="w100" src="images/i_061.jpg" alt=""> + <figcaption> + <p>Lithuania? Why, I never even heard of it.</p> + </figcaption> +</figure> + + +<br> + +<p>Well, they soon made it known to me +that I had better have done some studying +on Geography since the Versailles Peace +Conference—that really wasent a Peace +Conference; it was just a map remodeling. +Say, but I want to tell you they had them a +Country, all right, from the looks of all the +officers running around there. I saw one of +them kinder looking out toward his little +army and getting them ready to call into +action. At first when I saw them around +there I thought they were making a Picture; +it looked just like Hollywood. I soon +found it was on the level.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_60">[Pg 60]</span></p> + +<p>“You should have Veesay.” I had to tell +them that I dident even know I was flying +over their country much less landing in it. +It seems that this was not a regular stop; +this Aviator has had to come down for something. +They called a general war conference +to see what to do with this American +who had dropped in on them without +a calling card. They then decided to phone +down to the town, which was Kovno, and is +the Capital.</p> + +<p>Well, down in town they called the House +of Parliament or Congress together to devise +ways and means to deal with such an +unusual case. So instead of phoning back, +why, they sent a soldier back on a Bicycle. +It was quite a ways out of town. He had +the news that I was to buy $3.50. I gave +them a Russian ten-ruble piece—that’s +about five dollars in our money. A ruble +is worth fifty cents in Russia and about +two cents outside of there. They wasent +any too anxious to take it, but they +did, and went off for change, when I told +them that that was all right; just keep the +<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_61"></a>[Pgs 61-63]</span>change and let the Army have a drink on +me.</p> + +<p>If I had just thought and told them I +was a friend of President Wilson’s, I would +have got by, because he is the one that laid +all these countries out. It was one of those +Self-Determination of small Nations. No +man ever lived that had more noble ideas +than Mr. Wilson, and any time a committee +would come to him with ten names +signed on an application, and tell him that +they wanted a Country, why, he would give +them one. If they dident know exactly +where they wanted it, and couldent decide, +why, the League would give it to them off +of Russia. Different little Nations gnawed +so much off the edge of Russia that on the +map it looks like a piece of pie that somebody +with every other tooth out has bit into. +Right up above them is another troop called +the Lats, of Latvia, then several others. +They are all pretty fine little Nations. But +it’s a pretty tough struggle to get a new +Country started, though they are all making +a pretty good fight. This one had a mighty +nifty-looking little army. All had on nice +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_64">[Pg 64]</span>neat uniforms, and the Officers looked great. +Made the Red Army in Russia look like a +burlesque for appearance. So I am going +to send the League of Nations a bill for +$3.50 for finding one of their Countries for +them.</p> + +<p>Say, here is a little inside Diplomatic stuff +too. There was a French plane up there +among them, and this Frenchman was showing +them how to do it.</p> + +<p>Well, I gathered up my two Russians +and we hooked up the traces, clucked to the +old Fokker and we was off somewhere else—I +dident know where. But I warned them +in my best pantomime not to be hunting +around for any other new Countries, but to +find Russia. If it wasent big enough to +find, why, we better go down and borrow +a map.</p> + +<p>Well, all this delay had kinder set us back +in time, and this old Bolsheviki Boy just +looked like he took a string and tied his gas +throttle right down to the floor. She was +wide open, and we started in hunting Russia. +The clip we was going at I knew we +couldent land in any little Country. We +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_65">[Pg 65]</span>was going so fast we would have gone plumb +through it before we could have come down +to earth. So I knew then it must be Russia, +for it was the only country in the world +that could furnish that much ground to whiz +over. All I was scared about was that +we would wind up at Vladivostok or in +Japan.</p> + +<p>Now in going into Russia I think I am +just like the majority of people—we don’t +know or have any idea what it is like. My +one impression of Russia is a sleigh going +through a forest, with deep snow on the +ground, pulled by a horse with a big high +Yoke up over his neck and the wolves jumping +up biting at the horse’s throat, and some +others trying to devour the inmates of the +sleigh. Now that is the picture that I +have had uppermost in my mind of Russia +all my life, and I bet a lot of you have +the same. We always associate that picture +with Russia, just like we always associate +the Delaware River with the picture of +Washington standing up in the middle of +the boat, with the ice all around, not +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_66">[Pg 66]</span>rowing himself but telling the other boys which +way to row. He was a natural Commander. +I have often wondered what he would have +been doing if they had had to swim the +river.</p> + +<p>So, after thinking of that picture and the +wolves, I believe that is why I took the airplane +in there. I felt pretty safe up there +from the wolves. The way we was going, +any old wolf would sure have had trouble +jumping up and snapping at us. If he had +ever jumped up at us, he would have hit the +fellow in the plane on the same route next +day.</p> + +<p>We was flying nice and low and you could +see all the people out in the fields working—well, +not exactly all the people, but the ones +that were women. Then every time we +would pass over a little town or village you +would see a kind of a market place, and all +the men would be gathered; or you would +see them driving in or out of town in little +wagons with one horse.</p> + +<p>I think the men are pretty good that way +in Russia. They make mighty good husbands. +If the wives raise anything, why, +the Husbands are perfectly willing to take +it to town and sell it.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_67"></a>[Pgs 67-69]</span></p> + +<figure class="figcenter illowp45" id="i_067" style="max-width: 60.6875em;"> + <img class="w100" src="images/i_067.jpg" alt=""> + <figcaption> + <p>My one impression of Russia.</p> + </figcaption> +</figure> + + +<br> + +<p>It’s not a bad arrangement, at that. You +know a lot of these countries have got things +that I would like to see put in over in +Cuckooland. If women can go out and +swim all the Channels they can find, why, +they certainly ought to be able to pitch +some hay. So I can’t think of a better arrangement +than these Russians have for all +parties concerned—that is, as long as the +wife raises something. The women in Russia +cultivate the land and the men cultivate +their whiskers. The men are the best +farmers—they have never been known to +have a bad whisker crop. No such thing +as a failure. When in doubt, raise whiskers.</p> + +<p>All the western part of Russia is level, +with slight rolling hills. Very few farmhouses +are off to themselves; they are in +sorter a little bunch. The houses are low, +built of logs, and have straw-covered roofs. +The houses and the stables are all built into +one, generally in a square shape. It’s a +beautiful country to look at. And grass? +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_70">[Pg 70]</span>Oh, Boy, I just thought if some of my old +Western ranchmen could see all that big +fine grass going to waste—millions of acres +and very little stock on it, with plenty of +water. There was quite a few herds of +goats, a good many horses, and cattle, mostly +milk stock. Everything fat and fine.</p> + +<p>And here is one thing I want to tell you +too before I forget it: Even in Moscow, +where the old fellow that is driving his +Droshky—or whatever it is they call those +old kind of one-horse-buggy things—may +look like he hadent had anything to eat in +a week, but I tell you his horse is sure fat. +They got the fattest, best-looking horses +there I ever saw—never saw a poor one.</p> + +<p>One of the only mysterious occurrences +of the trip happened just before we got into +this Smolensk. This Mechanic in there with +me pulled the curtains tight over the windows +on both sides and I couldent see out. +Then I felt the plane turning and knew +we were landing. He left me sitting there +looking at myself till we were entirely +stopped. There was nothing to see after I +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_71">[Pg 71]</span>got on the ground. There was some kind of +military operations going on around there, +as they are always arguing with Poland and +this is near the line. They think France is +backing Poland. Every nation in Europe +goes to bed with a gun under its head.</p> + +<p>Well, whatever they were trying to keep +from me, they kept it. I went into a neat +little eating place there and got my first +crack at some Russian Tea. They serve it +in big high glasses like Lemonade; no +cream, but they use Sugar. It’s mighty +good, and after I tried their coffee I went +right back on this ration of Tea. I had +these old Russian boys come in and eat +with me, and we made a lot of signs and had +a lot of fun, loaded up with gas. It’s along +in the afternoon now, and this old Russian +Casey Jones grabbed his throttle and this +other old Nester kept his blinds pulled till +we were away out of town. We are breezing +along and I feel him kinder tack off to +one side and I peep out and I see a big +black cloud ahead. Well, sir, he went over +to the right to try to take roundance on the +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_72">[Pg 72]</span>thing. Then he decided to go under it; +then he changed his mind and went over +it. Of all the dodging and twisting and +ducking that he did, and I want to relate +to you that he sho did keep out of it. I +wouldent be afraid to meet a cyclone with +that old boy if he could just see her coming. +She would have to do some tall twisting to +catch him.</p> + +<p>We went into Moscow right on the dot—not +a minute late. That field was full of +Airplanes; there must have been eight or +ten single-seaters up doing their stuff. Now +just the last few days you have read about +the advance in aviation and the amount of +planes that Russia has. Now that is what I +am trying to get you to understand. These +Guys over here in Europe, no matter how +little or how big the country, they have left +the ground and are in the air. Nobody is +walking but us; everybody else is flying. So +in a few years, when somebody starts dropping +something on us, don’t you say I didn’t +tell you.</p> + +<p>Now everybody had said to me in going +in, “Don’t take anything in with you; they +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_73">[Pg 73]</span>examine everything. They look at every +card. Don’t take a thing or don’t write a +thing while you are in there; everybody is +a Spy and everybody is listening to what +you have to say.”</p> + +<p>Well, they throwed such a scare into me +that I stripped myself down till I dident +have a single piece of paper about me but +my passport. I tore up two handfuls of +cards that people had given me of people in +Russia to look up for them. I had the +parents’ address of everybody in New York +City. Now I dident know exactly how they +might stand, and if they caught me with +these names, I might be suspected of being +a Spy or something. Outside of my passport, +if I had been run over in Russia, nobody +in the world could have told where I +was from or who I was.</p> + +<p>I had an address I had to tear up that +Morris Gest had given me of a good restaurant +that served Kafilka Fish and Luction +Soup, both of which I have learned—after +strenuous apprenticeship—to like. I +dident want it to get out in Russia that I +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_74">[Pg 74]</span>knew Gest, so I tore that up. Dawes’ +letters to all the Financiers in Europe I tore +up, for I thought the worst thing in the +world you could be caught with was any +connection with Capital. I thought if they +found them on me they will have me in +the Kremlin, waiting for daylight to come +so the squad will be sure not to miss a +shot. Al Jolson had given me a letter to +a Jewish musician there who writes all the +words and music to all his Southern Mammy +Songs. I took in only one suit and four +extra shirts, as I was told if I took in too +much I would be suspected of capitalistic +tendencies. I debated with myself a long +time in the hotel in Berlin the night I left +whether two extra pair of socks instead of +one would constitute capitalistic affluence. +I wouldent risk it. I even dident get a +shave for a few days, figuring I might pass +as a native.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_75">[Pgs 75-76]</span></p> +<figure class="figcenter illowp45" id="i_075" style="max-width: 61.4375em;"> + <img class="w100" src="images/i_075.jpg" alt=""> + <figcaption> + <p>I didn’t get a shave, figuring I might pass as a native.</p> + </figcaption> +</figure> + +<br> + +<p>Now, as a consequence, I dident have a +soul in the world to go to, or a single address. +For when you tear up the name and +address of a Russian, that name is gone +forever. <span class="pagenum" id="Page_77">[Pg 77]</span>No English-speaking person living +today can remember a single Russian name. +They were told they could have only so +many letters in their Alphabet. Well, they +took fifteen of these they dident want and +traded them for fifteen extra K’s and Z’s. +So the alphabet consists of twenty-six letters, +seventeen K’s and Z’s and nine other +letters. That is the thing that has made +Lenin and Trotzky famous outside Russia. +They were the only ones that the outside +world could pronounce their names.</p> + +<p>Well, due to such expert advice, no one +ever knocked on the portals of Sing Sing +any lighter equipped than I entered the +city of Moscow. I dident even have my +Shriner pin or my Elk Tooth Fob. I tell +you I was practically Neglige.</p> + +<p>Now you talk about having sea legs when +you get off a boat. Say, crawl out of an +Airship after about sixteen hours in the air!</p> + +<p>Your legs don’t wabble like they do when +just off a boat; it’s your arms. They want +to start flapping and you want to ascend +again. I never felt anything as low in my +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_78">[Pg 78]</span>life as that ground was. I went into a little +customs office. They took my passport, but +instead of like lots of countries where they +take it away and hold a Clinic over it, why, +this old boy give it a peek and shoved it +back to me. I opened up the grip. He +got one peek—dident even feel in there. +Talk about not bringing in anything, why, +I could have had a Grand Plane in there +and he would never have seen it!</p> + +<p>And as for looking to see what you had +in your pocket or had on your person, why, +I could have had a bass drum in each hip +pocket, a Saxophone down each leg and +two years’ collection of the Congressional +Records in my coat pockets. Now you +know yourself that would have been the +most bunglesome thing I could have had. I +also had a little Typewriter. This Customs +fellow thought it was a Cash Register. So, +you see, there was one set of advice blew up.</p> + +<p>I bid this old Russian Aviator Boy good-by, +and when I shook his hand I meant +it, and if I ever decide to take up the usual +tourist trip of flying over the North Pole, +why, this old funny-looking square-headed +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_79">[Pg 79]</span>boy would be the one I would take out a +stack with. But I guess the traffic will be +so congested next summer flying over the +pole that you would just have to wait for +your turn to pass it.</p> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> +<div class="chapter"> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_80">[Pg 80]</span></p> + + + <h2 class="nobreak" id="IV"> + IV + </h2> +</div> + + +<p>Now a few years ago the Bourgeois +Party —— Now I better stop right here +early and tell you what that “Bourgeois” +word is, what it means and how it is pronounced. +There are two main words in +Russia—one is “Bourgeois” and the other is +“Proletariat,” and “Soviet,” of course, which +means Council or Congress, only not quite +as bad as our understanding of Congress. +Now “Proletariat” means the poor people, +or what would be known in America as the +Democrats; and the word “Bourgeois” +means the rich people, which in America +would be known as Republicans; or if they +are very rich, the Conservative Republican +Party.</p> + +<p>Now the word “Proletariat” you can pronounce; +even some Congressmen can get it +right; but the word “Bourgeois” has bogged +down more politicians grammatically than +the name Susanne Lenglen. “Bourgeois” +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_81">[Pg 81]</span>is pronounced by the Russians—and it’s +theirs, they ought to know—it’s pronounced +“Burge-Wah.” So, you see, while Russian +spelling is terrible, the pronunciation is generally +correct. Now I am just explaining +these to you so in using them, as I perhaps +will be in future Russian matters, we will +understand each other. I really was not +sent here to instruct America grammatically—only +Diplomatically. But a little Intelligentzia +now and then is relished by the +best of men, even politicians.</p> + +<p>Well, as I started to say, the Bourgeois—remember +pronunciation—party sent over +Elihu Root years ago on practically the +same mission as I was on, but he dident find +out much. In fact, if I remember right, +he didn’t find out anything. So if I can +report on how to pronounce and define three +Russian words, I can well report progress.</p> + +<p>Now the first thing I want to do is to +dispel one generally popular illusion that +everybody has to watch one’s conduct while +in Russia. Everybody said: “Be very careful +what you say or do while in there; they +have spies and secret police all over the +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_82">[Pg 82]</span>place. Every waiter or servant in the Hotel, +they let on they don’t speak English, but +they do, and report everything. It’s that +G. P. P., or Cheko, the famous secret-service +organization of Russia.”</p> + +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_83">[Pgs 83-84]</span> +<figure class="figcenter illowp45" id="i_083" style="max-width: 61.3125em;"> + <img class="w100" src="images/i_083.jpg" alt=""> + <figcaption> + <p>Everybody said, “They have spies and secret police + all over the place.”</p> + </figcaption> +</figure> + + +<br> + +<p>Well, they had me so scared that New +York third-degree police methods wouldent +have got a word from me. If anybody +said to me, “It’s a nice day today,” I would +be afraid even to agree with them. I would +just nod my head both ways, kind of a half +yes and 50 per cent no. I was as agreeable +to everybody as an Insurance Agent +before he lands you.</p> + +<p>Then a lot of friends had said to me, +“Oh, you will get many a laugh out of there; +I would like to be with you up there.”</p> + +<p>Funny? Say, I was just about the saddest +looking thing you ever saw. Claremore, +Oklahoma’s favorite light Comedian +was in no jovial mood to derive merriment +from a Bolsheviki régime that far away +from home. I had seen pictures of long +trains wending their way across the Trans +Siberian Railway, hauling heavy loads of +human freight, when nobody had a return +<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_85"></a>[Pg 85]</span>ticket but the Conductor, all perhaps for +getting funny with Russia.</p> + +<p>So if I thought of an alleged Wise Crack, +it was immediately stifled before reaching +even the thorax. If somebody was going +to pull nifties at the expense of the Soviet +Régime, I certainly was not going to be the +culprit. The whole system of Communism +might have openly appeared to me Cockeyed +and disastrous, but if I thought so, +I would have said it to myself.</p> + +<p>No, come to think about it, I wouldent +even have said it to myself. I would have +been afraid some thought reader would pick +it up. I dident want to do anything or +say anything that could be used against me. +I wanted to get out in the peaceful way I +had got in. I wanted to arrive back home +100 per cent whole this fall, to tell my little +wheezes to the dissatisfied agrarian popolation, +or what is mistakenly called the Rube +Belt. I couldent think of a single Prohibition +joke that I thought would get over +around a Prison Camp fire on the shores +of the Behring Straits. You know, I don’t +think there is anything as pitiful or sad as +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_86">[Pg 86]</span>a half-scared Comedian. I looked, I absorbed, +but I dident utter.</p> + +<p>Then for the next popular illusion I was +told by everyone, “Oh, they will take care +of you; they will just take you around and +show you just what they want you to see. +You won’t be allowed to see anything. You +will be sheperded around to just all the +good-appearing things.”</p> + +<p>Well, here is the funny part about it: I +don’t think there was a soul in Russia that +knew I was in there. In fact it kinder hurt +my pride when I found nobody was watching +me or paying me any attention. You +see, it’s so hard to get a Passport in there +that I thought when they did give me one +I felt kinder like every new Congressman +when he first comes to Washington and +look for Mr. and Mrs. Coolidge and the +Cabinet and Alice Longworth and Walter +Johnson all to meet him at the train. Then +he comes and prowls around for a week +before anybody but his Landlord knows he +is there. In fact some stay there for years +and nobody ever knows they are there.</p> + +<p>Well, that’s the way I felt. ’Course, I +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_87">[Pg 87]</span>dident figure on any public reception. I +dident hardly dare to hope for so much as +the much-heralded Cossacks to charge and +cut the heads off any remaining nobility in +Red Square. But I did begin to think if +they are going to start showing me about +they better be at it. I tell you it was lonesome +and humiliating on me. I wanted to +hire my own Detective and have him watch +me just to keep up the popular tradition.</p> + +<p>Well, I went all over the country; drove +out to villages, went to other towns, got on +the train and made a night’s journey from +Moscow to St. Petersburg—or Leningrad +was the name of it that week—and wasent +stopped or asked a question; and dident even +have any passport, as it had been left with +the Hotel to give to the Police, as that is +their custom.</p> + +<p>I run onto an old American boy that was +working for a big mining concern and he +and I looked at everything there was to see, +and a lot of things that if they had been +very careful they shouldent have let us see. +I talked to various Government officials +connected with their Foreign Department, +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_88">[Pg 88]</span>and everywhere had the greatest courtesy +and consideration. They explained anything +that I would ask them about the government +or the country. One thing, though, +that a Communist can do is explain. You +can ask him any question in the world, and +if you give him long enough he will explain +their angle, and it will sound plausible then. +Communism to me is one-third practice and +two-thirds explanation.</p> + +<p>I wanted to go in the Kremlin, the old-time +Czars’ Castle and Fort. It’s now +where all the Government business is carried +on. ’Course, you have to have a permit, +but they gave it to me and in I went. +They give you a Guide who speaks English +to take you through. But that was +the only place where they furnished me one. +Anywhere else I could mess around all over +the place. Lenine’s Tomb—the body is just +there in a glass case. Well, at the present +time you can’t go in there, as they are overhauling +or upholstering the body, or something. +It’s just a little wooden building +outside the Kremlin wall.</p> + +<p>I wanted, of course, when I went in there, +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_89">[Pg 89]</span>to see Trotzky. I wanted to write about +him and tell how he stacked up with Borah +and Young LaFollette and Jim Reed and +Al Smith and Sol Bloom and the New York +Times man in there, Duranty, who has been +there for years and is the best informed +man in Russia on their affairs, and a fine +congenial little fellow and a godsend to visiting +English or Americans. Well, Duranty +and I went to see a man about seeing +Trotzky. A little fellow named Rothstein, +who spoke English and used to work on a +paper in England, he has to do with censoring +all that goes out to the Press. I told +him the nature of the visit to Trotzky was +to find out just what kind of a Guy he was +personally; that I dident want any of his +state secrets. I just wanted to see did he +drink, eat, sleep, laugh and act human, or +was his whole life taken up for the betterment +of mankind. I told him that anything +that I wrote would not break up the pleasant +relations that existed between our two glorious +Nations.</p> + +<p>Mr. Rothstein informed me: “We are a +very serious people; we do not go in for fun +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_90">[Pg 90]</span>and laughter. In running a large Country +like this we have no time for appearing +frivolous. We have a great work to perform +for the betterment of mankind. We +are sober.”</p> + +<p>Well, I explained to him that I dident +hardly expect Trotzky to make any faces +for me or to turn a few somersaults or tell +the one about two Hebrews named Abe +and Moe. I tole him that the man must +have some very good human qualities, and +on account of being in America at one time, +he has always been of especial interest to +us; more than anyone else in Russia since +Lenin’s death. I wanted to tell them that +what they needed in their Government was +more of a sense of humor and less of a sense +of revenge.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_91"></a>[Pgs 91-92]</span></p> + +<figure class="figcenter illowp45" id="i_091" style="max-width: 61.0em;"> + <img class="w100" src="images/i_091.jpg" alt=""> + <figcaption> + <p>I didn’t hardly expect Trotzky to make any faces for + me or to turn a few somersaults.</p> + </figcaption> +</figure> + + +<br> + +<p>I saw that this old boy wasent so strong +for me X-raying Trotzky. But I bet you +if I had met him and had a chat with him, +I would have found him a very interesting +and human fellow, for I have never yet +met a man that I dident like. When you +meet people, no matter what opinion you +might have formed about them beforehand, +<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_93"></a>[Pg 93]</span>why, after you meet them and see their +angle and their personality, why, you can +see a lot of good in all of them. You know +how it is yourself. I bet you have had +Political enemies and you would think from +your impressions of them that they ought +to be quartered in the zoo in the reptile +house. Yet when you met them you could +see their side and find they wasent so bad, +and that you were both trying to get about +the same thing in the long run.</p> + +<p>Rothstein wants me to stay over one day +longer, and he would have me see Tchitcherin. +He was the Prime Minister, and naturally +would be the main one. But it was +Trotzky I want to see if possible. These +Prime Ministers, they are so sudden that +before I can write you about one of them +he may be out and be three Ministers removed +from his old position.</p> + +<p>But I found out the real reason I dident +get to see Trotzky. Trotzky is not in so +good with the present government. It may +seem rather funny to some to hear he is too +conservative for them. He has his ideas +how things should run, as he is one of the +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_94">[Pg 94]</span>old-timers in the party. He got so bad as +an opposition that the Party shipped him +away off down in the Ural’s to get him out +of the way. But he is really strong with the +people, and there was such a fuss raised +over it that they had to drag him back to +the capital again and create a job for him; +so they made him Minister of Concessions.</p> + +<p>Now, on the face of it, that looks like +a pretty soft job, for Russia certainly has +lots of concessions to peddle out. But they +made it so Red-Tapey that he couldent give +out the Vodka-selling privilege at the next +Revolution without having it passed by an +act of the entire Soviet Council; so it really +wasent so much of a job as it appeared on +the letterhead. He had charge of the Army +for a long time, and built up quite a formidable +gang.</p> + +<p>The real fellow that is running the whole +thing in there is a Bird named Stalin, a +great big two-fisted fighting egg from away +down in the Caucasian Mountains. He is +the Borah of the Black Sea. He is kinder +the Mellon and Butler combined of the Russian +administration. He is the stage +manager of Bolshevism right now. He don’t +hold any great high position himself, but +he tells the others what ones they will hold. +He has served his term in Siberia under +the Czar. Well, Trotzky is kinder not sitting +at his round table at lunch. But the +Peasants out in the county are still strong +for Trotzky. He sees that there must be +some changes made in the way they are running +things. The Peasants think they have +a kick that they are not getting enough for +their grain, and Trotzky is sorter siding +with them. So he is called a conservative.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_95"></a>[Pgs 95-97]</span></p> + +<figure class="figcenter illowp45" id="i_095" style="max-width: 60.125em;"> + <img class="w100" src="images/i_095.jpg" alt=""> + <figcaption> + <p>He has served his term in Siberia under the Czar.</p> + </figcaption> +</figure> + +<br> + +<p>A Conservative among Communists is a +man with a Bomb in only one hand; a Radical +is what you would call a Two-Bomb +Man. They have one in each hand, and +will spit a third one at you if possible. But +I saw and talked to lots of them in the Government; +also met all the gang that they +sent out from America that time with Big +Bill Haywood—was going to see old Bill, +but he was sick in the Hospital and I +couldent get to see him. From what I +heard, Bill sho would like to get back among +the gang in Chicago. If I was Bill, and +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_98">[Pg 98]</span>had that opportunity of going from Russia +to Chicago I would give it serious thought +before I would make the change.</p> + +<p>Met the smartest, brightest old Bolshe +fellow in there named George. I don’t +know his other name, but you couldent pronounce +it if I wrote it. He said he was one +of the twenty-two that Judge Landis sent +to Leavenworth to break their jump to Russia +that time. He is a bright, smart kind +of a Duck, but not what I would call a +Landis rooter. Met a big nice jovial fellow +from Chicago—forgot his name, said he run +for President on the Socialist ticket the year +Jimmy Cox did. I told him I could faintly +remember Jimmy, for he happened to be +a good friend of mine; but I couldent remember +him. He said he runs pretty near +every year on that Ticket—said, “I may +run this year.” I told him there was no +Presidential election this year unless there +was an impeachment.</p> + +<p>He said, “Ain’t there? Well, mebbe it’s +next year then; I don’t pay much ’tention +to what years I am running and what years +I am not.”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_99">[Pg 99]</span></p> + +<p>He was feeling pretty good about the +whole way things were running in there, and +was very enthusiastic about it all; he was +strong for ’em. He had a passport back! +I bet if you had stole that passport away +from that old Boy you would have just had +284 pounds’ worth of suicide on your hands. +The funny part about it among these American +ones you meet over there visiting, they +are all so nice and friendly and enthusiastic +about it, and believe in it away above +our form of government; but they all go +back over home. It just looks to me like +Communism is such a happy-family affair, +that not a Communist wants to stay where +it is practiced. It’s the only thing they +want you to have but keep none themselves. +Well, this continuous Presidential Candidate +was a mighty nice fellow, and I would +like to see him get into the finals some day, +even if he don’t win.</p> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> +<div class="chapter"> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_100">[Pg 100]</span></p> + + + <h2 class="nobreak" id="V"> + V + </h2> +</div> + + +<p>Now I know you want to know what +about it, and how is it working, and what +is it. Well, I am giving it as much study +as a Bird like me could give serious study +to anything. Before coming in here, I read +everything. I read so many of that fellow +Marx’s books that I don’t want even to see +the Marx Brothers, as clever as they are. +I have come to the conclusion that the reason +there is so many books on Socialism is +because it’s the only thing in the world that +you can’t explain easy. It’s absolutely impossible +for any Socialist to say anything +in a few words. You say, “Is it light or +dark?” and it takes him two volumes to +answer Yes or No; and then I know there +is a catch in it somewhere. It’s like a long +Theatrical Contract. If one of them tells +beyond the Salary and the amount of weeks +you are to work, why, you might just as +well light a cigarette with it. More words +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_101">[Pg 101]</span>ain’t good for anything in the world only to +bring on more argument.</p> + +<p>If Socialists worked as much as they +talked, they would be the most prosperous +style of Government in the World. But the +thing is they don’t know anything about it +themselves. There is not two of them in +the world with the same idea of what it is. +They say, “All we want is somebody to +come in and see with an open mind.” Well, +if ever a Guy went into Russia with an open +mind it was me. It was not only open but +it verged on being empty. Lord, if 130,000,000 +people that never had it any too +soft in their lives are trying to work out a +way to better their condition, why, it ain’t +for a yap like me to come along and tell +them that they are all wrong.</p> + +<p>You know, I dident have to go to Russia +to find comedy or chaos in Governments. +If I was looking for governments that +wasent just exactly hitting on all six, why, +I left one and went through a dozen more +going to Russia, so anybody better not start +heaving too many rocks at Russia’s government—I +don’t care which country you come +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_102">[Pg 102]</span>from—till you have looked your own over.</p> + +<p>Liberty don’t work as good in practice +as it does in Speech. You got to figure that +bunch of fellows are playing with the biggest +Toy in the world. They are like a poor +old Farmer or Rancher out home in Oklahoma +that has a bunch of Kids, and they +have never had anything to play with in +their lives but an old hound pup; and then +Dad strikes Oil, is paid a big bonus, and +wanting to do something for his Gang, goes +to Tulsa and gets them all the mechanical +toys of every description in the world and +hands them to them to play with. Well, +that is what somebody has slipped these +soviet fellows. They have had an electric +train thrust into their hands and they had +never pulled the string on even a jumping +jack before, and they are naturally going to +have a lot of short circuits and burned fingers +before they get the thing started. +Cæsar and Nero and that bunch of boys +that got credit for steam-roller measures +through the Roman senate were playing +county politics compared to these Babies. +The whole Roman Empire, in its balmiest +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_103">[Pg 103]</span>days—and it had some balmy days—that +little Minor-League Empire would have +got so lost in Russia that Columbus, De +Soto and Lewis Clark couldent have found +it.</p> + +<p>Now handing this bunch of fellows Russia +would just be like Judge Gary coming +backstage at the Follies and saying, “Here, +Will, you and the Girls take over the Steel +Corporation and run it.” Now you have +to have some kind of training to handle +something big or else you have to do a lot +of practicing on it after you get it, which is +generally pretty expensive. Most of these +fellows were on little Communist Newspapers.</p> + +<p>Now America has withstood some pretty +rough handling at times, but I sure would +hate to see it fall under the management +of a troop of our Dissatisfied Newspaper +men. Put it in the hands of an old hardheaded +Farmer or a small-town Merchant, +but deliver it from Editors. They would +have more Theories how to run us than the +Communists. So you got to give these fellows +a little bit of the benefit of the doubt. +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_104">[Pg 104]</span>They are practicing and are trying to do +the best they can, but unfortunately they +are practicing on 130,000,000 people that +have to remain the horrible example till these +Guys find out themselves just what it’s all +about.</p> + +<p>’Course, it won’t be such a terrible disgrace—on +them—if they don’t make it, for +there is Nations with men trained from +childhood in government that looks like they +were getting practiced on. It’s just tough +on the people, that’s all. It’s no disgrace +not to be able to run a country nowadays, +but it is a disgrace to keep on trying when +you know you can’t. ’Course, things look +pretty bad there. You see, this is ’26 and +the war started in ’14. That means twelve +years that trains, street cars, Public Buildings, +and in fact everything, has not had a +thing done to it since the day the Czar’s +forces marched off to fight Germany; no +painting, no streets fixed up to amount to +anything. Most of the streets are, however, +kept clean. You see a great deal of poverty +among the people along the streets, a +great many ragged little children begging. +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_105">[Pg 105]</span>’Course, you can see these things in lots of +cities besides Russian ones, but it’s worse +in there.</p> + +<p>I never saw a pair of silk stockings on a +single lady on the street. Everything is +very expensive. Most all the manufactured +things have to be imported, as their factories, +very few of them are operating. The +Factories are there, but the machinery is +all rusted and spoiled in all these years of +no usage; and they have to get in new machinery; +and it costs a lot of money to re-equip +all those. Food things shouldent be +so high, for they raise everything in the +world up there; but it seems to cost them +a lot to handle it through the stores. They +have these coöperative stores; in fact everything +is supposed to belong to the government, +but they are changing now and allowing +private ownership and cutting prices +over each other.</p> + +<p>You see, the Communism that they +started out with, the idea that everybody +would get the same and have the same—Lord, +that dident work at all. That has all +been changed—the idea that the fellow that +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_106">[Pg 106]</span>was managing the bank was to get no more +than the man that swept it out. That talked +well to a crowd, but they got no more of +that now than we have. I don’t suppose +there is two men in Russia getting exactly +the same salary. They get what they can +get, and where they can get it. When the +government runs anything, as they do practically +everything over there, there is always +about twice or three times as many +working in the place as would be found in +private enterprises.</p> + +<p>During these hard times they have had +so much dishonesty among the people working +where they could get their hands on +any money that it takes about two to watch +one, and then four others to watch those +two. There is also an awful lot of unemployment.</p> + +<p>Taxes are very high. They have succeeded +in stabilizing their money—that is, +inside the Soviet Union. The Ruble is +worth 50 cents, which is the par value of it. +The Chervonetz, or sort of a little pocket +Chevrolet, is worth just about five dollars, +and compares with the English pound. +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_107">[Pg 107]</span>Right after the Revolution, when they were +operating their money like a lot of these +Countries over here do, on just a Printing-Press +basis, why, they had bootleg money-makers, +just like they do over home with—alleged—booze. +If you needed any +money, you would go to your Currency +Bootlegger and buy it. Each one claimed +to make Nothing but Prewar stuff. Now +they got it stabilized, but it’s up so high +nobody can get any of it.</p> + +<p>I asked an official of their Foreign Office +how they maintained it at standard, and he +said: “We balance our budget. We estimate +how much will come in during the year +and don’t spend any more than that. We +make our exports and imports balance, and +that is one reason we cannot bring in as +many things as we would like to.”</p> + +<p>But another very prominent man who +had been in there off and on for years, doing +a big business in there, said: “They +originally started out with a bunch of Gold +that they inherited from the original Government, +and what they had confiscated +from various ones during and after the +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_108">[Pg 108]</span>Revolution, and they took that to England +and borrowed its equivalent in money +on a loan against the gold. Well, they took +this money and come back home and issued +more currency against what they had +brought from England, saying, ‘It’s all +backed by our gold reserve.’ They would +issue another batch against the last one, just +pyramiding, all backed up by this original +that was in hock to England. But anyhow, +they have kept it steady, and you don’t +have to read the papers every day to see +what you have.”</p> + +<p>Of course, anyone going in will ask, “Is +it working? Is everybody happy?” Well, +they are not. Over 90 per cent of the population +in Russia are farmers, and live out +in the country and Villages. The Revolution +was to get the Peasant the land. They +took all the land and everything that the +rich or even fairly prosperous had away +from them, and it’s owned by the Government. +They give it to the Peasant, but it’s +only his as long as he lives on it and tends +it. He can’t trade it off or sell it. The real +deed to the land is held by the Government.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_109">[Pg 109]</span></p> + +<p>’Course, that beat the old way of being +under the thumb of the Landlord. But +now that the Peasant owns it, he has to pay +the taxes on it. Before, it was the Landlord +had to pay them. So the difference in +what he pays the Government and what +he paid the Landlord is so little that he +can’t hardly see where he comes in to be +much better off.</p> + +<p>But that is not the real and the serious +trouble there. It is this: The Government +tells the farmer what he shall get for his +products—based, of course, on the market +value at that time. Well, he is not kicking +so much on that as he is on this: When he +sells his grain, he can’t take the money and +go buy what he needs. He can’t buy his +plows and his wagons and his harness and +many other things that has to be made by +a factory. They cost him more than his +grain brought him; and if he did happen to +have enough, then the things are not to be +found to buy. They have to import most +of them and the cost to the farmer is tremendous. +So what does the old Farmer +do? He won’t sell them the stuff.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_110">[Pg 110]</span></p> + +<p>The Russian Peasant may be Illiterate, +but he is not what you would call Dumb. +He knows something about this Guy Marx’s +theories himself. He knows what’s the use +raising anything if you can’t trade it or sell +it for what you want. So he is just raising +for his own use. And living on what he +raises. If he does raise more, when they +say, “You have so much wheat here; you +must sell that,” he illiterately replies, “No, +I eat that. My family very big bread eaters, +eat lots of wheat. I have none for sale.”</p> + +<p>Sometimes he hides it; but, anyhow, he is +not selling it, and that has got the whole +Communistic Party about cuckoo right at +this minute. Their problem is to satisfy +him. They have to get him some stuff in +there cheaper than they can afford to, or +make it, or pay more for his grain than they +can get for it in outside world markets. +Somebody is going to lose some money on +the thing, and it ain’t going to be old Mr. +Peasant. He can set and live on just exactly +what he raises. But the old Boys in +town has got to get enough nourishment +from what the farmer raises to make those +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_111">[Pg 111]</span>brotherhood-of-man speeches on. The old +farmer just grinds his extra up into Vodka, +lays in a lot of wood and hibernates for the +winter.</p> + +<p>If you got that Vodka for a companion +you got a mighty ally on your side when it +comes to forgetting your troubles. The old +Peasant has gone through many of these +same winters. He knows it’s not going to +make much difference with him who is in. +You see, there is only 600,000 Communists +in the whole of Russia, and they are ruling +over the other 130,000,000. So this 600,000 +has got to figure out some way to sorter +half satisfy this small minority.</p> + +<p>Look over home the Pheasants out in the +West and Middle West are either hollering +for higher prices for their grain or +cheaper prices for flivver parts, phonograph +records, Crystal sets, cheaper movie admission +and Government instruction in Black-bottom +dance steps. So, you see, Russia’s +problem is about our problem, only Russians +can get along without all these necessities. +They can live on what they raise, and drink +the surplus and enjoy it. But you have +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_112">[Pg 112]</span>got to supply our Pheasants with these essentials, +for they can vote and the Russians +can’t—they can vote, but they can’t get them +counted.</p> + +<p>So, after all, the world is just about the +same whether it be on the banks of the Vulgar +or the Potomac. So we are not in a +position hardly to blame the Communists +for not finding a solution when we pay 600 +men $10,000 apiece a year and they can’t +find out.</p> + +<p>So, as I said before, I dident have to +go to Russia to find humor in Government.</p> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> +<div class="chapter"> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_113">[Pg 113]</span></p> + + + <h2 class="nobreak" id="VI"> + VI + </h2> +</div> + + +<p>We will start in looking the towns over. +This is the town they used to call St. Petersburg. +Then when the war come along with +Germany and they got afraid Germany +would capture it, they changed its name to +Petrograd so it would fool the Germans and +they wouldent know what town they were +capturing. Well, that worked fine. Germany +couldent find it, and just when the +Czar and all his board of strategy was gloating +over their clever ruse, why, a fellow +named Lenin found out where it was, and +he had never had a town named after him; +in fact, they had always kept him moving +so fast that he couldent tell whether the +town was named after him or before him.</p> + +<p>Well, he said, “If I take this town, will +you name it after me?”</p> + +<p>They replied in the affirmative. So he +found it and took it, and now it is named +Leningrad. I found it; so if you hear +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_114">[Pg 114]</span>of it being called Rogerskofsxzy, why, that +will be partly in my honor.</p> + +<p>From what I could gather from the old-time +residents there, it used to be quite a +place; kind of a cross between Hollywood, +California, St. Louis and Chicago. It had +the drab night life of Hollywood, the color, +dash and brilliance of St. Louis and the +pistol and rifle fire of Chicago. It is situated +at the mouth of the Neva River; and +when I say the mouth of the Neva I am +wrong. I mean the mouths of the Neva. +It’s plural, and it’s also singular that it +should have so many mouths, but it has. It +just can’t make up its mind how to get out +of Russia and empty in the Gulf of Finland. +Nurmi is the capital of Finland.</p> + +<p>The ground is very low under Leningrad; +in fact, it’s the only town in the world whose +altitude is just exactly 0. There is towns +that are above sea level, and there is towns +that are below sea level; but Leningrad +couldent make up her mind which she wanted +to be, so she just split the difference.</p> + +<p>You have to move twice a day in Leningrad—at +low tide you live downstairs and +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_115">[Pg 115]</span>at high tide you move back upstairs. It’s +built on poles driven into the mud and clams. +Peter the Great settled it, but that is not +why he was called Peter the Great. He lost +an election bet—the other side spent too +much money—and he either had to build a +town in some odd place or roll a wheelbarrow +around the living room, so he decided +on the former. He got even with all +the other Czars, for he put a Joker in the +19th Amendment of their Constitution, so +they would have to live there. Like our old-time +Presidents used to have to live in +Washington in the Summertime. Winter +starts the first week in July and ends the +last week in June. Spring, Summer and +Fall are not what you would call long, but +they are comfortable—all three days are +very pleasant. But with all its flatness, it’s +much the most beautiful City in Russia. +The streets are all laid out straight and +cross at right angles. It has some wonderful +buildings and marvelous Churches.</p> + +<p>It was the Capital of the Country when +the Bolshevikis got it, but was so close to +the Gulf that they got afraid somebody +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_116">[Pg 116]</span>would come up there with a big Battleship +and drop a few shots among the assembled +Senators. You know, Communists like to +throw things themselves at various Governments +and prominent people, but they don’t +like the idea of being on the receiving end of +anything in the nature of a bomb.</p> + +<p>The city is much more modern and European +than Moscow. Moscow has more of +the Far East in its appearance, with all of +its Mosque-like domes to all the Churches. +It’s really ancient, while Leningrad has been +made to order. The main street is the +Nevskii Prospekt. The Soviets have +changed the name to the 25th of October. +That’s the date of a Revolution. They +changed the old names on everything that +was connected with the Czar’s régime.</p> + +<p>Now when these people took everything +over and run everybody out that had anything, +they took most of the Palaces and +big places that belonged to the rich and made +Museums and Schools and Clubs and Public +buildings. Of course, they have not been +able to keep them up in very good shape, +but you can see what they must have been +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_117">[Pg 117]</span>when the old Gang were going good. +’Course the main one most everybody is interested +in is the Czar’s Palace, or the +Winter Palace. It fronts out on a great +big square, composed of big old worn Cobblestones.</p> + +<p>It was formerly called Palace Square, and +is the one you have seen in most pictures +showing the Czar’s Armies and Revolutionary +scenes; in fact, just about everything +of any importance that wanted to happen +in Russia for hundreds of years back had +to wait for their turn to happen on this +square. And it was in it that the present +Government captured it from the Royal +régime. It’s now called Uritzsky Square. +He was a Socialist that was killed here. +They, as I say, always name things after +the last man killed there on their side. If +you get killed on the side that don’t win, +you don’t get the place named after you; +but if you do win, why, you can die knowing +you had a square named after you, provided +you are the last one killed. You must +always be careful about that—pick your time +to get shot. Get these names: The Garden +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_118">[Pg 118]</span>of the Toilers another square is called; then +there is the Square of the Victims of the +Revolution. One of their bridges is called +the Bridge of Equality.</p> + +<p>This Palace was practically the constant +home of the Czars. It is now a Museum. +Part of it is given over to what is called the +Revolutionary Museum—more about that +later. The Palace has seven hundred rooms. +If a young Czar ever forgot the number of +his room, he would be an old Czar before he +found it. The Apartments of Nicholas I, +Alexander the II and Nicholas II are shown +as they were as historical memorials, including +all the big rooms of State.</p> + +<p>Then you come to the Apartments of the +late Czar and Family. It almost looks as +if they had left it that morning. All their +personal photographs of people we are +familiar with in these times, with personal +writing on them, are there—a great many +photos taken with King Edward, and enlargements +from what must have been snapshots +of various groups of the family. The +whole thing looked like the rooms in any +wealthy man’s home with a family—that is, +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_119">[Pg 119]</span>one that has always been wealthy. Everything +was modern and up-to-date. No big +Gold furniture; all things that you could +use in a home today and not attract any +attention.</p> + +<p>They had a Telephone connection, with a +little switch thing on it that they could connect +with the Opera and hear everything.</p> + +<p>They had even the Children’s colored +Easter eggs, and dozens of pictures of them +on their Ponies and in sleighs. Pictures in +all kinds of little silver and some just ordinary +cheap frames.</p> + +<p>In the Czarina’s bedroom the ceiling and +the Tapestries are covered with some sort +of blue floral design. Her devoutly religious +nature shows very plainly by the fact that +the rooms are full of Icons and many images +of Saints. There were lots of little personal +keepsakes that had been given by friends. +In the drawing-room is some Louie the 14th +furniture given them as a wedding present +by King Edward. The Czar’s rooms is just +about what you would see in a Gentleman’s +Apartment today only a great many Japanese +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_120">[Pg 120]</span>things—gifts received on a visit of his +to the Far Fast.</p> + +<p>It looked like these folks, when they got +away from the pomp and parade of appearing +in public, tried to live like human beings. +It was so simple and modest that I doubt +if any Oil millionaire or a Moving Picture +Star would have lived in it without having +it redone.</p> + +<p>There is one thing that this Soviet outfit +has certainly done, and that is go in strong +for Museums. I think there is some 700 +museums in the various Cities and towns. +They are trying to develop Art, and they +have some of the most wonderful art treasures +in the world. You see, they not only +have the State but all the private collections +of all the rich nobility that have had it +handed down in families for dozens of generations.</p> + +<p>Now I don’t know just how far that Art +thing is going to get them. I am not so +strong on art myself as a commodity. I +think most countries have kinder overestimated +the importance of our Artists and +underestimated the importance of people +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_121">[Pg 121]</span>that did something to help provide Corn +Bread and Bacon and cheapen the things we +had to have. Athens, Greece, was mangy +with Art. Now they ain’t eating regular. +Rome had nothing to recommend it but art +and broken columns till Mussolini come +along and made ’em all throw their paintbrushes +in the Tiber and go to work at something +productive.</p> + +<p>So, after looking over Russia, I believe +there is a hundred things I could think of +to improve them with besides Art. Russians +need meat right now worse than they +do naked Statues. The thing about all these +Museums is, when you have gone through +one of them you have gone through all of +them. You take the Hermitage in Leningrad—which, +by the way, is one of the most +famous museums in the World; it’s right +next to the Czar’s Palace and had an entrance +from the Palace. You take it and +the Louvre and the Metropolitan in New +York, and the big ones in Rome and London—they +give the ordinary man just about +all the art he can digest in one lifetime.</p> + +<p>Russia don’t need to develop so many men +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_122">[Pg 122]</span>who can paint or sculpture a beautiful, well-rounded +human body. What they need is +somebody that can provide the wherewith +to fill out that well-rounded body. Los Angeles +got the right idea. Instead of having +seven hundred Museums, they got seven +thousand filling stations. If you got a big +family, art is all right for one son to indulge +in; but you want to have the other 12 to +bring home some revenue and feed him and +humor him. It should only be indulged in +by every 13th member of a family, and then +only after unanimous consent and sacrifice +of the other 12.</p> + +<p>Now we go into the Red Museum, which +is part of the Palace. Oh, Baby, talk about +a Chamber of Horrors! Huber’s Museum +and Madam Tussaud’s waxworks would be +children’s nurseries in comparison to this +blood-and-thunder outfit. It was founded +in 1921 and everything in it is connected +with revolutions; not only Russian Revolutions +but anybody else that happened to have +had a good bloody Revolution and had any +old Guns or Bombs or skulls or anything +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_123">[Pg 123]</span>that would make particular decorative atmosphere.</p> + +<p>On account of its short life, they make +apologies for the small amount of material. +But I couldent see any need too. It looked +to me like they had done pretty well, and +the only way they could get any more horrors +in there would be to get some more +people killed. So I think in the Revolutionary +Museum line they can well report +Progress. They can just load up the old +Bombs they got there now and blow up half +of Europe.</p> + +<p>As you enter, there will be a wax-size figure +of an old boy with a Bomb drawn back +just ready to shy it at a Czar out on a +Balcony. Then there are big loud-colored +paintings all over the walls that look like +Movie Lithographs, showing Cossacks +charging Women and Children and cutting +them down. There are dozens of photographs +and oil paintings of any Red that +ever got his man; court-room trials; every +Pistol or saber that ever dropped a Czar or +a Capitalist in his tracks. One sees all the +episodes of the Dekabrists’ trial. They +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_124">[Pg 124]</span>were the ones to originate the idea of not +letting the Czars sleep too well. It contains +all the scenery and props in connection +with the murder of Alexander II. +Rows of special show cases contain bombs +to fit any hand.</p> + +<p>Rooms were made up to represent cells +where revolutionists have been confined; +room after room of somebody either being +killed or somebody getting ready to kill +somebody else. One room is devoted to +Lenin, called Lenin’s Corner, where all +kinds of material in his private and political +life is exhibited.</p> + +<p>Now we went through there on a Sunday +morning, and we couldent hardly wedge our +way through. The man with us was an +Englishman, but spoke good Russian, and +he described to us what was going on. It +was Teachers taking young children through +and stopping and lecturing to them: “Here +is Kzolxsvlozxusz. He had the best record +of any of the late bomb heavers. It’s +through him you are enjoying this wonderful +liberty that you are having today.”</p> + +<p>Of all the Museums, this Revolutionary +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_125">[Pg 125]</span>one was the one that they were centering +the attention of the smaller ones on. You +did not see nearly as many looking at the +beautiful paintings by the old masters as +you did looking at the old guns that had +their notches in the handles.</p> + +<p>It seems the whole idea of Communism, or +whatever they want to call it, is based on +propaganda and blood. Their whole life +and thought is to convince somebody else. +It looks to me like if a thing is so good and +is working so fine for you, you would kind +of want to keep it to yourself. I would be +afraid to let anybody in on it, and that generally +seems to be about the usual brand of +human nature everywhere. But the Communist +has so many good things he just +wants you to join in and help him use some +of them.</p> + +<p>They start at the cradle with them in +Russia. They have a great many schools in +Russia, which seem intended not so much to +eliminate illiteracy as they are to teach +propaganda. Political propaganda starts +with their A B C’s. Their statistics prove +that they are now operating many more +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_126">[Pg 126]</span>schools than in prewar days. There is no +such thing as a private school allowed in +Russia. They have agricultural schools for +the peasant children in some places. They +have craft schools which give professional +education in different branches to over one +hundred thousand people annually. There +are 24 universities. The number of High +School students is given as 160,000.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_127"></a>[Pgs 127-129]</span></p> + +<figure class="figcenter illowp45" id="i_127" style="max-width: 60.25em;"> + <img class="w100" src="images/i_127.jpg" alt=""> + <figcaption> + <p>They start at the cradle with them in Russia.</p> + </figcaption> +</figure> + + +<br> + +<p>They are trying to foster art and culture, +but all of it is of the Revolutionary type. +If it is a painting, the main character has +one foot on a capitalist’s neck and is punching +another capitalist in the jaw. But the +main thing that dominates this whole thing +is to spread propaganda. Talk about some +of our states guarding what their school-books +contain—these children never get a +chance to read anything only about how +terrible everything is but Communism.</p> + +<p>You can’t go to a bookstore and buy any +book you want. Every book that is sold in +Russia has to be O. K.’d by the Soviet party. +You can’t buy outside newspapers, and +every paper printed in Russia is under the +supervision of the government. So you +have got to learn their angle or you don’t +learn anything—there is nothing else for +you to form an opinion about.</p> + +<p>They have quite a few community playgrounds +and there is bunches of them out +there practicing all kinds of games. But +they don’t allow competition between different +teams in Athaletic events. They +don’t have big intersectional games between +different clubs or schools; they claim that is +against true communism; that if you defeat +your fellow man it might make him +think he was not as good as you, and they +don’t want to leave that impression. If that +was the way we looked at it over home, +imagine how poor Harvard would feel. +They would be so low down socially that +they would be practically vacant.</p> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> +<div class="chapter"> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_130">[Pgs 130-132]</span></p> + + + <h2 class="nobreak" id="VII"> + VII + </h2> +</div> + + +<p>Now while I am on this Athaletic stuff I +better kinder call you over to one side and +tip you off to a little bit of the life that is +really very interesting, in fact kinder exciting, +and to an outsider makes life worth +while in Moscow. The river runs right +through the town and, contrary to the general +notion and looks of some of them, why, +they do bathe—that is, some of them do; +and when I say they bathe, I mean they +bathe together. They don’t let race, creed +or sex interfere with them. And what I +mean—they bathe right. They just wade +in what you would call the Nude, or altogether. +No one-piece bathing suits to +hamper their movements.</p> + +<p>If there is a bathing suit in Russia, somebody +is using it for an overcoat. Why, there +is only two pair of trunks in Russia, and +they were being mended the weeks I was +<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_133"></a>[Pg 133]</span>there. Well, when I saw that I just sit +right down and cabled my old friend Mr. +Ziegfeld: “Don’t bring Follies to Russia. +You would starve to death here.” But you +know the way they do it there—don’t seem +to be so much what we used to years ago +call—what was that word? Oh, yes, “Immoral.” +Well, they just walk down there +on the bank of the river and everybody skins +off their clothes. They don’t have much. +Underwear is about as scattering there as +bathing suits.</p> + + + +<figure class="figcenter illowp45" id="i_131" style="max-width: 120.0em;"> + <img class="w100" src="images/i_131.jpg" alt=""> + <figcaption> + <p>If there is a bathing suit in Russia, somebody is using + it for an overcoat.</p> + </figcaption> +</figure> + + +<br> + +<p>Now if it hadent been for this bathing +existing I would have got out and seen a +lot more places in Russia than I did. But +I want to state positively that while I did +not get to see all of Russia, I got to see all +of some Russians.</p> + +<p>We must hide ourselves away and see what +else we can learn from the Muscovite Empire +that America may profit by besides +Negligee Bathing. Oh, yes, Aeroplanes! +It just seems like I can’t write without drawing +attention to the amount of flying that is +being done in Europe. Now take Russia. +Here is Russia, so poor that they don’t even +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_134">[Pg 134]</span>know where their next Revolution is coming +from, and get this—what just one +Society did to help their country out in the +way of Aviation; a thing that they know is +absolutely necessary. They enlisted two +million members and got in contributions +seven Million Rubles—that, in sensible +money, is $3,000,000—organized 20 air +clubs, set up over a thousand aeronautical +Libraries and distributed millions of pamphlets +of propaganda all on flying, opened +up landing fields, bought 130 fighting planes +and presented the government with seven +equipped Air squadrons. Now this was all +in addition to establishing Civil and Commercial +routes.</p> + +<p>This was not the Government. It was +just one Society; and there is two others +almost as big that have accomplished as +much. And here is New York City, the +second biggest city in the world, that hasent +even got a place to land. You have to +go halfway to Montauk Point and then +drive back two hours in an Auto to get to +New York after you get out of a Plane. +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_135">[Pg 135]</span>And here is the humor of it—you can make +a landing field on half the ground it takes +to make a Golf course on.</p> + +<p>So just look what those poor Russians +are doing, and they are so poor they havent +got a Golf Course to their back. That, by +the way, is one thing that makes me sometimes +think they will eventually pull +through. Mind you, all these Commercial +Air lines in Russia and all over Europe +are subsidized by their Governments. Of +course, at home the minute we holler for a +subsidy for ships to keep our Flag on the +ocean, why, up jumps some cocklebur Congressman +and objects: “Where do you come +in to give some Airplane Co. help, or some +Steamship line? You don’t do a thing for +the Cafeteria Owners, and they are just as +good Americans as anybody ever broke a +tray of dishes for. What about the Farmer? +Why don’t you give him a subsidy? No, +sir-ree, I am agin helping anybody till you +help my constituents.”</p> + +<p>The subsidy to give most of our people is +to take their spedomoter away from them +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_136">[Pg 136]</span>and give them an Alarm Clock. If America +don’t look out they will be caught in the +next war with nothing but a Niblick and a +Putter. Putting is all right, but it keeps +you too close to the ground to be of much +use in the real war of the future.</p> + +<p>And if you think there ain’t going to be +no Next War you better see some of these +Nations drilling and preparing, and they +are not the people that will go to work and +learn a trade that they are not going to +work at. The next war you don’t want to +Look Out; you want to Look Up. When +you look up and see a cloud during the next +war to end wars, don’t you be starting to +admire its silvery lining till you find out +how many Junkers and Fokkers are hiding +behind it.</p> + +<p>’Course, these are only tips, and you +needent play them unless you want too; but +as that is what I am doing over here, why, +I am giving you this for all it is worth. I +am like the old Rooster when he brought out +the Ostrich egg and showed it to all the hens +and said, “I am not criticizing, but I just +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_137">[Pg 137]</span>want you to know what others are doing.” +Now that’s an old Gag, but it has to be an +old Gag to get over with you fellows. In +talking and writing to Politicians you have +to be like a Country preacher. You have to +illustrate everything you want to drive home +with a simple story that all of them can +understand. So I just want you-all to know +what even Russia is doing. Everybody is +using their air for something besides +speeches but us.</p> + +<p>Now while we are on wars, you might +like to know about Russia’s Army. They +are without a doubt the seediest-looking +layout I ever saw in my life. They look +about like a Chamber of Commerce in Evening +clothes lined up to meet Queen Marie. +Their uniforms are made out of a very +heavy grade of calico. They have what +used to be a red stripe down the leg. Then +their pants are stuck in those big old heavy, +clumsy boots. So the pants, I imagine, are +really just union suits if the Guy had his +boots off. They are not drafted. They have +some kind of an arrangement by which they +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_138">[Pg 138]</span>make them think it is an honor to belong +to the Red Army. It is composed of men +and boys at first that cannot read or write. +They get, so they told me, the most low and +ignorant they have; then they teach them +after they get them in. But he is taught +along their lines—they don’t want enybody +that has his own ideas. So they do away +with illiteracy. The Soviet Literature says +they teach them culture.</p> + +<p>Well, I wouldent go as far as to claim +that if I was them. But “culture” is their +main word over there. Everything is supposed +to improve their culture. Well, if it +is improving their culture, why, culture must +have started at a mighty low ebb originally.</p> + +<p>The Red Army is instructed politically, +as they figure, I guess, that in a war, if the +worst comes to the worst, why, the Red +Army can shoot a few Proletariat truths at +the enemy, lay down a barrage of “Everybody +should divide up equal even if he ain’t +got anything.” The present standing of the +Army is admitted to be 600,000. But there +is millions of the workers that are receiving +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_139">[Pg 139]</span>Military training in addition to the army.</p> + +<p>’Course, you take those ignorant old Boys +and give them some real training and they +are going to be kinder hard to clean. War +is a relief to them anyway.</p> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> +<div class="chapter"> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_140">[Pg 140]</span></p> + + + <h2 class="nobreak" id="VIII"> + VIII + </h2> +</div> + + +<p>Now the main question that I know +strikes you is, Has Russia changed much +and is it better off? Say, that is the one +answer you can go and bet on. Russia +hasent changed one bit. It’s just Russia as +it has been for hundreds of years and will +be for the next hundreds of years. A hundred +million people are out in the Country +and small Villages, and are living just the +same lives they lived under the Czar, and +their existence wouldent be changed even +if the Prohibition, the Populist, the Farmer-Labor +or even the Democrats run Russia. +It wouldent be nothing but Russia. People +don’t change under Governments; the Governments +change, but the people remain the +same.</p> + +<p>Look at us! What does it matter who is +in any four years? You got to get out and +hustle for it or you don’t get it, no matter +what Government is in. And there is a +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_141">[Pg 141]</span>country with over 90 per cent of their population +Peasants, and they have to make a +living from the soil. They work hard, don’t +have much; some years a little more than +others; have to pay their taxes or their rent +money as in the old days. Now the taxes +are just as much as the rent share was in +the old days with the landlords. So what +difference does it make to them what kind +of Government it is? In fact, they claim +that they are not as well off now, because +in these times they can’t buy the things they +want, like they used to be able to do, as they +are not to be had.</p> + +<p>This eighty or ninety million are no more +Communists than you are; they don’t know +what it’s all about. The country is run by +the Communist Party, which has less than +600,000, and they rule this 130,000,000. +They are allowed to elect men to send to +the various councils of the Soviet. But get +this—you see, the Communist strength is +among the Industrial workers in the Cities; +but they give him a Representative in the +Government for what we will say is one +for every 100 voters. But the Farmers or +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_142">[Pg 142]</span>Peasants get only one for every 1,000 voters. +That’s not the exact Representation, but it is +the correct proportion.</p> + +<p>So where does your equality come in? +They do that to sorter help overbalance the +great majority of the Peasant vote. Russia +under the Czar was very little different from +what it is today; for instead of one Czar, +why, there is at least a thousand now. Any +of the big men in the Party holds practically +Czaristic powers. Siberia is still working. +It’s just as cold on you to be sent there +under the Soviets as it was under the Czar. +The only way you can tell a Member of the +Party from an ordinary Russian is the +Soviet man will be in a car. They are all +supposed to only receive $112 a month, which +is supposed to be the salary of all Communists +that do work for the Government. +Well, some of them must be pretty good +managers to get along as well as they do on +that.</p> + +<p>There is as much class distinction in Russia +today as there is in Charleston, South +Carolina. Why, I went to the races there, +and the grand stand had all the men of the +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_143">[Pg 143]</span>Party, and over in the center field stood the +mob in the sun. Well, there was Bourgeois +and Proletariat distinction for you.</p> + +<p>Here is the queer thing to an outsider: +They had the Revolution to run out the +rich, and now the only one that can get in +there is either some rich man or some of +his Representatives that say they want to +invest there.</p> + +<p>They are very strict about who they let +in, and yet any rich fellow they would meet +at the line and escort them in. You see, it +dident take them long to learn that somebody +has got to pay the wages or they won’t +have anything to divide up.</p> + +<p>You see, that is where Mussolini has outsmarted +the Bolsheviks. They have spent +all the money they could rake and scrape on +Propaganda in other Countries, and here +they were in Russia with the biggest and +richest Country in the World to work with. +They should have spent every cent of all +this on just working and improving Russia, +and getting it so it looked like something. +That was what Mussolini had done. All his +Propaganda has not cost him a nickel. He +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_144">[Pg 144]</span>kept every nickel in Italy and put everybody +to work, and now you go in and see +it, and he don’t have to spread any propaganda +for your sake. He says look at it and +see how things are. That’s his advertisement. +And just think, he is in a poor Country, +where they have few natural resources. +You turn that Wop loose in Russia for a +few years, with all their vast unearthed +wealth, and he would really pull a Napoleon +on the World.</p> + +<p>Now his plan is what the Communists +should have done. They have always +wanted Communism. Now they have it, +and they have it in the finest Country there +is; so if they don’t make a go of it, their +plan must be wrong, and they will have nobody +to blame but themselves. They have +certainly had opportunity knocking at their +door. What should they care about what +Communism is doing in Chicago or London? +Fix up Moscow and show the world what +can be done under Communism and then +let people come there and see, and they will +get all the converts they need and never +spend a dime on Propaganda. Instead of +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_145">[Pg 145]</span>hiring a man to spread propaganda, hire +him to spread some paint and soap and +water around. Turn some of those museums +into Bathhouses. Never mind showing us +what Ivanof and Serof did. Show us what +Annette Kellermann did. Never mind +bearing down so much on culture; bear down +on Industry.</p> + +<p>You see, here is what makes it look +kinder bad—these fellows took over a Country +that was already a going concern; that +dident have a cent of debt—that is, they repudiated +all Russia’s debts, as they claimed +they had nothing to do with the contracting +of them. Now the biggest expense of any +country is its interest on its national debt. +They confiscated everything, paid nobody +for anything, have everything that the entire +Country possessed. They claimed they +dident want any salary for doing it, so that +should have eliminated another big expense. +They were supposed to be working for just +the love of saving their fellow man.</p> + +<p>Now if you can’t take one that’s handed +to you like that, what chance have you got +with it when there is nothing more to cop +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_146">[Pg 146]</span>from anyone, and paying interest on a big +indebtedness? You see, they confiscated +Trains, Factories, Public Buildings and +everything. Now those are wearing out and +have to be repaired and rebuilt. What are +they going to do? Nobody has anything +else free for ’em. So, just offhand to an unobserving +bonehead, it don’t look like they +have manipulated their affairs any too +good.</p> + +<p>These other so-called Capitalistic Nations +after the war have kept up repairs and +debts, and still look better off than Russia. +Russia hasent paid it out in big salaries. +Nobody has ever received in the way of +working wages more than a mere living. +But they changed their scheme around a +dozen times since they been in, and they +are liable to change it a dozen more, because +none of them ain’t what you would exactly +call a-hitting just right. They have been +messing with Russia for nearly nine years. +It’s a good thing that the 90,000,000 are +not organized or there would be a change +there overnight.</p> + +<p>Communism will never get anywhere till +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_147">[Pg 147]</span>they get that basic idea of Propaganda out +of their head and replace it with some work. +If they plowed as much as they Propagandered +they would be richer than the Principality +of Monaco. The trouble is they +all got their theory’s out of a book instead +of any of them ever going to work and practicing +them. I read the same books these +Birds learned from, and that’s the books of +that guy Marx. Why, he was like one of +these efficiency experts. He could explain +to you how you could save a million dollars +and he couldent save enough himself to +eat on.</p> + +<p>I read his life history. He never did a tap +of work only write Propaganda, according +to his own history. He couldent even make +his own writings pay, much less his theories. +He wrote for the dissatisfied, and the dissatisfied +is the fellow who don’t want to do any +manual labor. He always wants to figure +out where he and his friends can get something +for nothing. They even suggest somebody +dividing with them. You could take +those 600,000 Communists over in Russia +and take 600,000 rich Americans and you +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_148">[Pg 148]</span>could put them all together and make the +Americans divide up with them equally, +and in six months the 600,000 Communists +wouldent have a thing left but some long +hair and a scheme to try to get back the +half that the Americans was smart enough +to take from them. While the Russians +would be practicing their book theories, the +Americans would be practicing just the ones +that they know would work. If you have +never been smart enough to make it yourself, +you wouldent be smart enough to hang +onto it after you got it.</p> + +<p>I hate to keep dragging Mussolini in this, +but it was his being in the Communist Party +for all those years that he found out just +which ones of their Theories were wrong. +Communists have some good ideas, of course; +but they got a lot that sound better than they +work. So Mussolini has just used the good +ones in Italy and thrown out all the others +and replaced them with his own. So he +really has Communism to thank for his success +in learning what not to do. If this +Stalin turns out to be a kind of a Mussolini, +why, they may pull out; but somebody has +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_149">[Pg 149]</span>got to handle that troop with a knout. They +say Russia is supposed, by their law, to be +run by everybody. Well, it looks it.</p> + +<p>You know a Communist’s whole Life +work is based on complaint of how everything +is being done. Well, when they are +running everything themselves, why, that +takes away their chief industry. They have +nobody to blame it on. Even if he is satisfied +with it, why, he is miserable because he +has nothing to complain about. Same way +with strikes and Revolutions. They would +just rather stir up a strike somewhere than +eat. So, naturally, in Russia with themselves, +they feel rather restrained, for they +are totally unable to indulge in their old +favorite sport of going on strike and jumping +up on a box and inviting all the boys +out with them. You know, that is their +whole life, and that is why I don’t believe +they will ever be satisfied to run their own +country, especially if everything runs +smooth. You make one satisfied and he is +no longer a Communist. So if they ever +get their country running good they will +defeat their own cause.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_150">[Pg 150]</span></p> + +<p>Now, mind you, I may be wrong about +these people, for you can never tell about a +Russian. They all may be just having the +best time in the World over there and enjoying +it all fine. You know, that is one +thing about the Russian—he thrives on adversity. +He is never as happy in his life as +when he is miserable. So he may just be +setting pretty, for he is certainly miserable. +It may be just the land for a Comrade to +want to hibernate in.</p> + +<p>Some days in there it would really look to +me like they were trying to do something, +and were going to get somewhere; and the +next day you would see stuff that would +make you think, “What has all these millions +of innocent, peace-loving people done +that through no fault of their own they +should be thrown into a mess like this, with +no immediate prospects of relief?” So I am +going to be honest with you—I don’t know +whether to kiss ’em or kill ’em.</p> + +<p>But now we are going to get down to the +real thing as to whether they can really last +or not, and that is religion. The Russians, +I guess from what little I have read, were +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_151">[Pg 151]</span>about the most whole-hearted religious people +anywhere. They are at heart just big, +simple, kind-hearted, God-fearing people. +Practically all of them were devout members +of the Russian Orthodox Church. Some +of the most wonderful Churches in the +World are in Russia. Now here is something +that everybody don’t know—that the +basic foundation of the Communist Party +is to be a nonbeliever—in other words, they +are all Atheists.</p> + +<p>You can’t belong to the Party and belong +to any Church, no matter what Church. +All the Jewish members of the Party have +to be nonbelievers. Before you can get into +the Party, it takes a couple of years or +more, and this Atheist test is the one that is +hardest. They try to lead these Russians +to believe that all their troubles all these +years have been directly traceable to their +religion; that if they throw over their devout +religion everything will be all right. +They point out that the Czar and all those +that oppressed them were members of that +Church, and that if a God existed, why +hadent He done something to help them?</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_152">[Pg 152]</span></p> + +<p>Now nobody is making any Alibi for the +Czar or any of his old Gang, for from what +I could learn in Russia from everybody I +talked with, not only the Bolsheviks but +others on the other side, who had been in +there for years, the Czar was pretty small +Potatoes. He wasent intentionally bad, but +he was just weak. They all seemed to think +the Czarina had quite a bit of backbone, +and if he had had her nerve Russia might +have had a different story today. ’Course, +you have to admit that fanatical religion +driven to a certain point is almost as bad as +none at all, but not quite.</p> + +<p>Now they will tell you that the worship +of Leninism is their religion. Lenin +preached Revolution, Blood and Murder in +everything I ever read of his. Now they +may dig ’em up a religion out of that, but +it’s too soon after his death really to tell +just how great he was. History has to ramble +along a good many years after a man +puts some policies into effect till you can +tell just how they turned out.</p> + +<p>Why, some fellow may come along in +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_153">[Pg 153]</span>Russia at any time with a whole new set of +plans that beat Lenin’s all to pieces, and +he would be the Big Man. So where would +all your Lenin worship be then? You +know, there is a lot of big men die, but most +of them are not so big that they won’t all +be buried. Now Lenin may come through +right on through the ages, but at the present +time they are kinder forcing him on the +people. The Government has erected more +Statues and Busts to Lenin than there is +flivvers in America. Everywhere you go—every +room in every public building has a +bust of Lenin. They make the children +speak of him as Uncle Lenin. Now it’s +always best to let the people pick out their +own Hero. Don’t try to force one on them; +it’s liable to have the opposite effect sometimes.</p> + +<p>Mind you, you can’t condemn everybody +just because they started a Revolution. We +grabbed what little batch of liberty we used +to have through a revolution, and lots of +other Nations have revolutions to thank today. +But I don’t think anyone that just +made a business of proposing them for a +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_154">[Pg 154]</span>steady diet would be the one to pray to +and try and live like.</p> + +<p>We all know a lot of things that would +be good for our Country, but we wouldent +want to go so far as propose that everybody +start shooting each other till we got +them. A fellow shouldent have to kill anybody +just to prove they are right.</p> + +<p>I can’t understand by what reckoning +they think everybody connected with running +the Country should be a nonbeliever. +Just what quality does that add to Government? +I don’t care what you believe in, +but you certainly got a right to that belief, +and you shouldent have to give it up to take +part in the Government of your Native +Land. If the Bolsheviks say that religion +was holding the people back from progress, +why, let it hold them back. Progress ain’t +selling that high. If it is, it ain’t worth it. +Do anything in this world but monkey with +somebody else’s religion. What reasoning +of conceit makes anyone think theirs is +right? These present religions are liable to +knock on the door up above and find that +there is not a Soul been admitted that ever +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_155">[Pg 155]</span>saw an Automobile or a train. You may be +told:</p> + +<p>“Oh, no; you so-called educated people +thought you knew so much, and lived so +much better down there, and tried to make +all others believe in yours instead of their +own religion. They were the ones that were +right. Yet they dident try to impose theirs +on you. I am sorry. Good day.”</p> + +<p>It’s better to let people die ignorant and +poor, believing in what they have always +believed in, than to die prosperous and +smart, half believing in something new and +doubtful.</p> + +<p>There never was a nation founded and +maintained without some kind of belief in +something. Nobody knows what the outcome +in Russia will be or how long this +Government will last. But if they do get +by for quite a while on everything else, they +picked the only one thing I know of to +suppress that is absolutely necessary to run +a Country on, and that is Religion. Never +mind what kind; but it’s got to be something +or you will fail at the finish.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_156">[Pg 156]</span></p> + +<p>P.S. Now I have told you all about +Russia, but the best way I can describe +Russia to you is, Russian men wear their +shirts hanging outside their pants. WELL +ANY NATION THAT DON’T KNOW +ENOUGH TO STICK THEIR SHIRT +TAIL IN WILL NEVER GET ANYWHERE.</p> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> + +<div class="transnote"> +<p class="center"><b>Transcriber’s Notes</b></p> + +<p>Some words appear to be purposely misspelled; these have not +been changed.</p> + +<p>Perceived typographical errors have been silently corrected.</p> + +<p>Illustrations have been moved to appropriate paragraph breaks.</p> + +<p>New original cover art included with this eBook is granted to the +public domain.</p> +</div> +<div style='text-align:center'>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 77828 ***</div> +</body> +</html> diff --git a/77828-h/images/cover.jpg b/77828-h/images/cover.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..e9d8cea --- /dev/null +++ b/77828-h/images/cover.jpg diff --git a/77828-h/images/i_000frontispiece.jpg b/77828-h/images/i_000frontispiece.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..1109a78 --- /dev/null +++ b/77828-h/images/i_000frontispiece.jpg diff --git a/77828-h/images/i_000title.jpg b/77828-h/images/i_000title.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..387ec28 --- /dev/null +++ b/77828-h/images/i_000title.jpg diff --git a/77828-h/images/i_009.jpg b/77828-h/images/i_009.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..9ffeb19 --- /dev/null +++ b/77828-h/images/i_009.jpg diff --git a/77828-h/images/i_027.jpg b/77828-h/images/i_027.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..ef49655 --- /dev/null +++ b/77828-h/images/i_027.jpg diff --git a/77828-h/images/i_039.jpg b/77828-h/images/i_039.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..9535728 --- /dev/null +++ b/77828-h/images/i_039.jpg diff --git a/77828-h/images/i_043.jpg b/77828-h/images/i_043.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..d7e980b --- /dev/null +++ b/77828-h/images/i_043.jpg diff --git a/77828-h/images/i_061.jpg b/77828-h/images/i_061.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..9691d26 --- /dev/null +++ b/77828-h/images/i_061.jpg diff --git a/77828-h/images/i_067.jpg b/77828-h/images/i_067.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..f88efdb --- /dev/null +++ b/77828-h/images/i_067.jpg diff --git a/77828-h/images/i_075.jpg b/77828-h/images/i_075.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..dfdff2a --- /dev/null +++ b/77828-h/images/i_075.jpg diff --git a/77828-h/images/i_083.jpg b/77828-h/images/i_083.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..42dccbc --- /dev/null +++ b/77828-h/images/i_083.jpg diff --git a/77828-h/images/i_091.jpg b/77828-h/images/i_091.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..7234215 --- /dev/null +++ b/77828-h/images/i_091.jpg diff --git a/77828-h/images/i_095.jpg b/77828-h/images/i_095.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..f2d6676 --- /dev/null +++ b/77828-h/images/i_095.jpg diff --git a/77828-h/images/i_127.jpg b/77828-h/images/i_127.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..c8448fc --- /dev/null +++ b/77828-h/images/i_127.jpg diff --git a/77828-h/images/i_131.jpg b/77828-h/images/i_131.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..62924b9 --- /dev/null +++ b/77828-h/images/i_131.jpg |
