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diff --git a/77828-0.txt b/77828-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..e35a4dd --- /dev/null +++ b/77828-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2290 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 77828 *** + + + + + _THERE’S NOT A BATHING + SUIT IN RUSSIA_ + + By Will Rogers + + + _If you like the following subjects + you will just love this text book._ + + § Mary Garden § Aviation § Vodka § Bathing Bareback § + Whiskers, _long ones_ § Propaganda, _all sorts_ § + Free Love § Bombs § Grand Dukes & Princesses § and + + _21 other wrong ways to run a country_ + +[Illustration] + + + With Illustrations by Herb Roth + + 1927 + New York + Albert & Charles Boni + + + By Will Rogers + + + There’s Not a + Bathing Suit + in Russia + + _& Other Bare Facts_ + + [Illustration] + + With Illustrations by Herb Roth + + 1927 + New York + Albert & Charles Boni + + + + + _Copyright, 1927, by Albert & Charles Boni, Inc._ + + + _Copyright, 1927, by the Curtis Publishing Co._ + _Manufactured in the United States of America_ + + + + + _CONTENTS_ + + + PAGE + + INTRODUCTION 7 + + ONE 23 + + TWO 35 + + THREE 57 + + FOUR 80 + + FIVE 100 + + SIX 113 + + SEVEN 130 + + EIGHT 140 + + + + +_ILLUSTRATIONS_ + + + PAGE + + If he escaped very fast he is a Grand Duke 9 + + I thought somebody had loaded me up with + molten lead 27 + + One woman did get over with a safe, she had + it hid in her bathing cap 39 + + That is called the mountain region of Holland 43 + + Lithuania? Why, I never even heard of it 61 + + My one impression of Russia 67 + + I didn’t get a shave, figuring I might pass + as a native 75 + + Everybody said--“They have spies and secret + police all over the place” 83 + + I didn’t hardly expect Trotzky to make any + faces for me or to turn a few somersaults 91 + + He has served his term in Siberia under the + Czar 95 + + They start at the cradle with them in Russia 127 + + If there is a bathing suit in Russia, somebody + is using it for an overcoat 131 + + + + + _INTRODUCTION_ + + +_Now there has been more said and written about Russia than there has +been about Honesty in Politics and Farmers’ Relief, and there has been +just as little done about it as about either of those two._ + +_I should have written earlier about Russia, but everybody was writing, +and I thought I would wait till they all got through; but they are +not going to get through. They just keep on writing about Russia. It +looks like anyone is an amateur in Literature if they havent exhibited +Russia’s horoscope to a picture-reading public._ + +_More people break into Sunday Editions with an article on Russia than +do by murdering their husbands or swimming the Channel. If you can’t +get into the papers, never did get in, and are about losing hope of +having anything get in, why--here is the greatest tip to ambitious +amateur literary careers--write something on Russia and you will +replace some regular writer that day. Russia is the biggest Country in +the World, and men and Women write authoritative opinions on it that +couldent give you a bird’s-eye view of the Principality of Monaco, and +you can take a handful of green apples and stand on a hill and hit +everybody in Monaco._ + +_It has always been a source of wonder to me that Patricia Ziegfeld, +Baby Peggy, Paulina Longworth or Nick Altrock have never written a +book on Russia. Some Congressmen come over to Paris to investigate the +Cafés, have four cocktails and a Russian caviar sandwich--which they +dident like, but the rest was doing it--go back home and tell of the +condition as it exists today in Russia._ + +_Russia has one peculiarity that I don’t think any other country ever +enjoyed--that is, that every female gender that come out of there is +a Princess, and the lowest form of a title in the way of an escaped +male is a Duke, and if he escaped very fast he is a Grand Duke. From +the amount of Titles out of there, one would gather right away that +the sole purpose of the Revolution, proposed and carried out, was not +to assist the downtrodden, as is generally supposed, but to promote +foreign travel among the Princesses and Dukes._ + +[Illustration: If he escaped very fast he is a Grand Duke.] + +_Escaped statistics show that among males, 72 per cent. were Grand +Dukes and the other 28 per cent. just Dukes. Women were all 100 per +cent. Princesses. You spend half your time in Paris listening to some +exiled American telling you hard-luck stories about former Russian +nobility. “The fellow who just opened the Taxi door in front of this +American Rat Trap you are now in was a Grand Duke and, brother, just +two Revolutions removed from the Czar.” They are all kin to the Czar. +“The Girl you mortgaged your hat too as you come in was the Czarina’s +principal Lady in waiting”; also related to the family. The bus boy--he +is the fellow they use so the waiter will have somebody to lay the +blame on--was a Duke, and he would have been Grand if the thing had +lasted. In fact you are in a nest of royal relatives. Telephone girls +were Princesses, Taxi drivers used to be Dukes--all, as I say, related +to the Czar._ + +_Any man with that many kinfolks, no wonder something happened to +him. I bet if the truth was found out, he organized his own death +personally. If I had some of the kinfolks he was supposed to have had, +I would have hired assassins to exterminate me very early in life. They +tell of one fellow that was very, very near the Czar--perhaps a twin. +Well, he is selling Peanuts on the street. We tried to find him, not +because I was interested in his case, but I wanted some Peanuts. I have +yet to hear of one that was doing well. Yet they bother you for hours, +telling you how polished and highly educated and cultured they were. +They seem to know what temperature to drink their wine at, but most of +them don’t know how to make a dollar to buy the wine._ + +_Now if that is all any of them can do, how was it they thought they +could run a tremendous country like Russia? A fellow will seek his +level, I don’t care where you are. If opening Taxi doors in front of +Vodka Joints and helping a waiter break dishes is as high as their +ability will carry them in eight years, it shows they should have been +doing that all the time. All those good years they had in Russia was +not due to any of their own efforts._ + +_If the present Republican régime was thrown over, and were all +banished from the District of Columbia, none are going to open any +Taxicab doors for anybody but themselves. They might not get into +anything as big as the White House or Czar’s Palace, but they will have +one big enough that the help problem will bother. Even the Congressmen +may not be able to plant their own Gardens with Government seed and +mail letters for nothing. Yet you won’t see any of them have to resort +to peddling goobers on anybody’s street. They can even pull the Cabinet +Chairs out from under that band of accomplices who plot against us once +a week; they will hit the floor, but they will come back up out of it +with nothing hurt but their political pride. They can always dig up +enough for the next Campaign fund._ + +_Of course, at times they may wish, like the deposed Russian Noblemen, +for the old régime back, and mull over the good old days when they used +to sit around the old White House hearth and laughingly discuss the +League of Nations and Philippine Independence; but they will always be +able to seek their level. Revolution, in the way of Democrats uprising +and buying enough votes to depose us, might be sorter disconcerting +for the time being; but they never would have to worry about where +those Flapjacks and Maple sirup was coming from._ + +_Now, I may be hard-hearted, but I just couldent seem to work myself +up into any great frenzy of tears over the old Dukes and Princesses. +They carry a lot of long, high-sounding names, but mighty little +sympathy. They can converse in a lot of languages, but they’re not +strong on making a living in any of them. They have spent a lifetime +trying to learn how to dance in a Ballroom, but they have never learned +it good enough to get paid for it. The old American is there with +the uncouthness, but he never comes in on a pass. His rudeness is +unintentional and not studied._ + +_I bet you if I had met a Russian in Paris and he had said, “I was +a poor Peasant in Russia before the War; I never had anything in my +life; I always had to work very hard; I never in all my life even saw +the Czar; I had no culture, either then or now, no refinement, no +education; I was just struggling along”--say, I could have taken that +kind of a Russian out in Paris and told them about him and collected +him a million Francs. People would have gone crazy over him, he would +have been such a novelty. Of course there is no such one. If there +was, he is perhaps President of a Bank in Paris, or else he is perhaps +Premier a day or so every once in a while. No, Sir; the poor ability of +many of the Russians that come out of there has really been more of a +boost for the Revolution than any other one thing._ + +_Well, when I saw they were not going to quit writing about Russia, +why, I am going to get busy and write the most novel thing on Russia +that was ever written. I have had a research made, and there has never +been a book on Russia that tells you what I am going to tell you, and +there has been more ink wasted on Russia and Prohibition than any other +two subjects in the world, both equally unsettleable._ + +_Now here is the novelty and truth of my Book on Russia:_ + +_I am the only person that ever wrote on Russia that admits he don’t +know a thing about it._ + +_And on the other hand, I know just as much about Russia as anybody +that ever wrote about it._ + +_Nobody knows anything about Russia._ + +_I have read dozens of books and hundreds of Articles by various +people, such as “The Real Russia, by one who spent five years in a +Moscow jail”; “My ten years banishment in Siberia, by a real Russian”; +“The Heart of Russia”; “Russia as I know it, by a House Detective”; and +millions of others. Now how is anybody going to find anything out about +Russia by spending five years in a Moscow jail? Or ten years in Siberia +wouldent give you any too good a line on the financial or economic +future of the Empire._ + +_Now just stop and think a minute. Suppose somebody come to you +tomorrow and said, “Tell us about America.” Now how could you tell ’em +about America, in an Article, a Book, or a dozen volumes, or a thousand +volumes? It’s too big; nobody could tell about it. Suppose somebody +tried to write on The Heart of America. Why, Lord, we can’t even keep +track of the toe of Maine or the heel of California, much less the +heart! Now if nobody could write a composite Article on America, how +are they going to do it on Russia, a country that is so much bigger +than us that we would rattle around in it like an idea in Congress?_ + +_I have even read all I could find that Lenin and Trotzky said about +Russia, and it don’t give me any better idea than Mutt and Jeff._ + +_Just get this size and composition of Russia and her people and see +how anybody could tell you anything about Russia: It’s the largest +continuous domain in the World; it covers nearly one-sixth of the +total surface of the earth; there is over one hundred different +Nationalities live inside the Soviet Union. Get the statistics of these +nationalities; it reads like a New York Telephone Directory--70,000,000 +great Russians; 3,000,000 Jews in the western part of the Union; +1,000,000 Germans on the Volga; 500,000 Greeks along the northern +coast of the Black Sea; Moldavians, Bessarabians, Georgians; 500,000 +Armenians; 1,000,000 Persians; Ossentines, Ingushes, Circassians, +Abkhasians, Checkenians. Why, there is 5,000,000 Tartars! Boy, what a +sauce that is alone! And eighty other races that even the census man +hasent got to yet._ + +_Talk about the Lost Tribe of Israel! Say, they could have been in +Russia all this time and never be lost at all, and still nobody would +have found them._ + +_Now scramble all that together and let somebody think they can +diagnose it. Russia is the boarding-house hash of Nations. Hash, Russia +and flivvers are three things nobody has ever been able to catalogue +the contents._ + +_Trying to tell what Russia is is like trying to tell the difference +between a Conservative Republican and a Progressive Democrat. If you +are a visiting Communist, or have Communistic leanings, why, naturally +you will write of it from their accomplishment point of view, and are +liable to--accidentally--leave out any little defects you might have +seen._ + +_Then on the other hand, if you are not the least bit in sympathy with +any part of their program, why, you naturally are not liable to let +yourself see anything that has any merit in it. So, if you are looking +for me to solve the Russian Problem, you are not going to get it done. +Now a Congressman could do it in twenty minutes and a Senator in ten, +but it stuck me. But I tell you what I am going to do--I am just going +to be like a prisoner at the bar when some wise, old good-natured Judge +who wants to get the facts asks, “Will you please tell the Court in +your own way and your own language just what happened on the entire +night of June the twelfth?” Now that’s what I am going to do. I am just +going to tell you everything I saw and what happened here in Russia in +the last few weeks._ + + + + + _THERE’S NOT A BATHING SUIT IN RUSSIA_ + + + + + I + + +I was passing through Paris and looking for a good show and somebody +suggested the House of Deputies. It’s a Satire on our Congress, so +that will set you laughing right there. It was the best thing I ever +saw in Europe in the way of entertainment. A man on one Party was +trying to make a speech and the Socialists and the Labor Members on +the other--who were in the minority, but they sure wasent when it come +to making noise. This old Boy had no more chance of being heard than a +Republican vote has being counted in a Tammany election. + +They would get up and run at each other and shake their fists. You +would think the whole thing would be murder. But they don’t really +fight any oftener than Dempsey. I could take this same troupe to +America and rent the Hippodrome and I can get them enough money to pay +their debts. New York would go crazy over a show like that. Over home +we couldent understand how people could be so mad at each other and +even live in the same country. + +This last fellow, Poincaré, had the right idea. The minute they put +him in he made a motion that the Chamber adjourn for the rest of the +summer. So they couldent throw him out till they met again. That +assured him of a few weeks Steady work. After I come out of this +show, I had a date to eat Dinner with Morris Gest, the Miracle Man +and organizer of the late Russian invasion to America. Morris is just +soaked full of Art, and I wanted to see at close range just how a +real artistic temperament acted. I like Morris with or without Art; +everybody likes Morris. + +I have known him since away back in the old Hammerstein’s Victoria, +which had nothing to do with Art--it was entertainment. He had just +come out of Russia--he and Ashton Stevens, of Chicago, the only +Dramatic Critic that ever learned William Randolph Hearst to play the +Banjo. They had been in looking over this year’s Art crop and they +claimed it looked like a bumper year. Balieff--you all knowed Balieff, +the best bald-headed Comedian that ever stepped out from behind plush +curtains. You have laughed and admired his artistic show for years, the +Chauv Surrey, or Sworee, or something like that. He is a real Artist, +this Balieff. + +Well, we went to one of those Russian layouts that have littered up +Paris. Everywhere there used to be a coal cellar there is a Russian +Restaurant now. They asked me if I had ever had a taste of Vodka, and +they poured out a little small glass of what I thought was water. It +was the most innocent-looking thing I ever saw. + +Then all said just drink it all down at one swig; nobody can sip Vodka. +Well, I had no idea what the stuff was, and for a second I thought +somebody had loaded me up with molten lead, and I hollered for water. + +Now over in Europe the water is in quart bottles, and here was this +Vodka in another quart bottle, and it looks exactly like water; and +this Clown Balieff, thinking quick, immediately grabbed the Vodka and +loaded up the glass again; and me thinking it was the water, and my +throat a-burning, why, I gulped it down quick, and here I was just +twice as bad off as I had been. If I could have seen which one to hit +I would have swung on him, but they already were blurred. Lord, what +quick results that stuff delivers! + +I asked, “Where do they get this white Iodine?” They informed me then +that that was Russia’s national dissipation. Why, that old white corn +down South would be branch water compared to this stuff. Jack Brandy +and White Mule would be used as a chaser where this stuff come from. +How they can concentrate so much insensibility into one prescription +is almost a chemical wonder. This Balieff, the native of that land of +boots and blood, then related to me the recipe, which reads as follows: + +One half bushel of old Potato peelings; fourteen ears of Russian corn, +or maise, Cob and stalk included; four top and soles of worn Russian +boots; five grams of Giant Powder; three Bombs chopped up fine. Mix all +this in a washtub full of Vulgar River water, add two Revolutions and +serve. + +[Illustration: I thought somebody had loaded me up with molten lead.] + +Well, I will tell you how these two accidental shots acted on me. We +dident know where to go, and Gest suggested that we go up to the Opera; +that it was Mary Garden’s last night singing there. Well, it was too +late. They had been turning people away since the day before. But you +can’t stick Morry, so we waited till the time the show was over and we +went into Mary’s dressing room. Her and Morry and all these others were +great friends. I had never had the pleasure of meeting her, but she +had been responsible for me going on the Concert tour; for she ribbed +Charley Wagner up to it, as they were old Pals. So when I come in with +them, Mary rushed right over and threw her arms around me and kissed +me, and to show you how this Vodka was working, I wouldent push her +away; in fact I dident even get mad at her. ’Course, there is not much +use going on with the story. About the only moral I can get out of it +is, take two swigs of Vodka and then start hunting Mary Garden. + +Well, that begin to give me a whole lot of encouragement. I had never +been able to get near Mary Garden before. So I started in by asking, +“Where is this country that can manafacture such explosives in liquid +form? Mebbe they got something that goes with it. Any Nation that’s +ingenious can’t be confined to one good idea.” + +They said, “It’s Russia, Bud; it’s Russia.” + +Now if there is one thing that is a worry to us, it is too much +drinking going on over home. I thought up to this that we had the world +beat on the collecting of unique articles and scrambling them together +and selling the combination under the nom de plume of a livable +beverage. But if I can get this Vodka stuff, I will be able to cut the +drinking down one-half and mebbe three-fourths. One tiny sip of this +Vodka poison and it will do the same amount of material damage to mind +and body that an American strives for for hours. + +I am--and I think every prohibitionist is--for anything that will cut +our drinking down and get it over with as soon as possible. If we must +sin, let’s sin quick and don’t let it be a long, lingering sinning. So +I asked them, “Where do you get a Veesay to this Utopia?” + +Now that is the whole story to Vodka. The recipe I have is only +problematical. Nobody in the world knows what it is made out of, and +the reason I tell you this is that the story of Vodka is the story of +Russia. Nobody knows what Russia is made out of, or what it is liable +to cause its inhabitants to do next. + +Well, I sure did want to go somewhere where I wouldent be continually +reminded that “On the right you will see the Fountains of Versailles”; +or “That is the Houses of Parliament, where all the laws of England are +made”; or “That is the dome of St. Peter’s.” + +I asked Morry Gest, “Do they have rubber neck wagons up there?” He +answered in the negative. I think it’s negative when you say no, ain’t +it? + +Ashton Stevens then pulled the best Gag of the entire tour: “You know, +Will, you are just about the poorest dressed Actor I know; in fact that +assertion takes in people that are not Actors. Well, as bad as you look +when and if you get to Russia, for once in your life you will be the +best dressed man in the biggest country in the world.” + +Well, I went right over to London and made application for one of +those famous Veesays. Russia has an Embassy in London; it’s a kind +of an unofficial one. They recognize Russia just enough to sell +’em something. It’s a sorter “You can stay as long as we are doing +business, but socially we have lost your address.” In other words, they +hate ’em at heart but love ’em financially. + +It’s pretty hard to get into Russia. Your application has to be sent +to Moscow and be approved or rejected. I had a nice chat with the +fellow who put in my application and then hopped out for Geneva to see +the Preliminary Disarmament Conference. It had been then going a few +days and I figured that everybody’s Navy would be scrapped; that the +Airships would be beat into windmills, poison gases would be turned +into fertalizing Nitrates, and that every Army would be released to +join Jazz bands. + +They are still over there, and they all have to be personally armed +before they will go in and confer with each other. Again I ask, will +we please stop anybody going anywhere to confer with anybody unless +it’s his Doctor? And then he is just losing time. The only time we ever +attract any attention at a conference is when we don’t go. There has +been more talk about us and the League of Nations through being out of +it than there ever would have been in the World if we were in it. You +know yourself that you have gone to a lot of things that afterwards you +had wished you hadent gone too. Nobody can ever get in wrong by not +attending anything. But every time you go you take a chance either of +getting in wrong or being misunderstood. + +Well, after prowling around Switzerland, Italy, Spain and France and +all of them, Mary Garden come into my mind again; and naturally that +brought up Vodka, for if it hadent been for that Vodka I would never +known what Mary Garden perfume smelled like on the original. So I wires +over to London to see what has happened to the application for the +Veesay. They wire back collect that it is laying right there and that +all I have to do is to come and get it and start getting in Russia. + + + + + II + + +Well, I fly back over to London. By this time I have done so much +flying that if I was in the Army I would be like Colonel Mitchell. I +would be thrown out for not staying on the ground more. When I got to +the Embassy there was a bunch of about ten young American Bolsheviki’s +signing up their passports. They had come from various colleges over +home and were going to Russia by boat; a couple of girls among them, +and two gentlemen who’s ancestors come from below the Mason and Dixon +Line. So if you hear of your washwoman or cook advocating: “Is I am a +communist? I ain’t nothing else but. I believes in everything dividing +up. Says which?” Well, you will then realize that communism has +penetrated the black belt. + +These two boys may turn out to be the Lenin and Trotzky of Birmingham. +They will have every Crap shooter on Octavus Roy Cohen’s beat sharing +his winnings with the losers. We may see the time when your Gin will be +everybody’s gin. They were going up by boat. I don’t want any more boat +than is absolutely necessary at any time. So I was going in by Airship. +I had been aviating so much around Europe that to go anywhere on a +train seems too much like walking to me. + +I left London one morning about 9:30. Flew over some of the prettiest +country before striking out across the Channel. Looked over the edge of +the plane all the way across the Channel, watching crowds of American +Women swimming it. One old Lady was a great Grandmother and she had +three generations of daughters swimming it with her. You could see +crowds of men standing on the shore waiting for a smooth sea to cross +it in a boat. + +One woman of Irish and Jewish parentage, but who had become a +naturalized American last year, was swimming over and back without +touching. Another American woman of Peruvian parentage on both her +Father and Mother’s side was training on the shore at Dover at Pole +vaulting--she was going to jump the Channel. There was two or three +Ladies of recent American Citizenship who were on the plane with us; +but we come down when we reached the beach and their husbands made +them get out and swim across--told them they would meet them on the +other side. One of the Ladies said she couldent do that; she had tried +it before and dident make it, and she knew that she couldent do it. +She was right away accused of being masculine, when in reality it was +discovered that she was an offspring of generations of pure American +stock. + +The funniest sight of all I saw looking over that day was one old lady +swimming in and towing her husband over on her back. There was one +traffic cop out in the middle--well, what you would call a copess. She +was just treading water and playing around out there, directing the +other swimmers. Every few days somebody would row out and leave her +some provisions. She was of Eskimo parentage, but when we took over +Alaska she was in that deal and become an American. + +The English customs authorities have to be very careful. When the +first American contingent came to land--Miss Ederle--they held her for +an hour till they could go through every pocket of her bathing suit, +looking for Cigars, Cigarettes, Spiritious liquors and perfumes. A +girl the other day got away pretty lucky. When she got about a mile +from shore she dropped the smuggled goods and then swam back out there +the next day and dived down and got them. The English authorities are +pretty particular that way; it’s hard for swimmers to smuggle in much. +One woman did get over with a safe. She had it hid in her bathing cap. + +[Illustration: One woman did get over with a safe, she had it hid in +her bathing cap.] + +This swimming has not only called for a new definition in the +Dictionary describing which is the weaker sex but it has brought on a +great deal more than that. It has demonstrated just how close together +England and France are, and that’s what’s hurting them. Neither one of +them wants to be close to each other. If we could have given some +kind of demonstration that would have proved that they were really +further apart in mileage than they are, why, both Nations would have +hailed it as a God-given discovery. But this bringing them closer +together has got them more sore at America than ever. We can do more +things that get us in wrong unintentionally than any Nation in the +world. So it looks like the next war between France and England will +be fought in bathing suits. The way women are showing up men swimmers, +it’s not monkey glands men need, but fish glands. + +Well, after we had waved good-by to the swimmers, why, we turned up +along the coast of France and Belgium and landed at Ostend. That’s +a regular junction point of Airships. They hollered: “Change planes +for Cologne, Vienna, Paris, Constantinople and all points south! This +plane goes to Rotterdam, Amsterdam. Change there for Berlin, Warsaw +and Copenhagen.” It reminded me of the old Frisco depot in Monett, +Missouri, when we used to pull in there after shipping cattle to St. +Louis to Strahorn, Hutton and Evans. You remember the train splits +three ways. One goes to Kansas, one to Arkansas; and the same one goes +right on down through Oklahoma, to Claremore, the principal stop. + +Well, there at Ostend they had--and do at all these airship places--a +regular little Harvey eating house, where you can go in and wrestle +with the food and the language. Planes was dropping and going out from +everywheres. We had about twenty minutes, and I crawled back in this +old Aerial Barge of ours and we breezed along on up the coast. It was +mighty inspiring. We passed The Hague, looked over and saw the old +Peace Palace, where they were going to meet to stop all wars. It’s +turned into an ammunition factory and Army drill hall. + +Flying over Holland in an Airship is the only real way to see it, +’cause if you are down on the level--and if you are in Holland you will +be standing on the level--Holland’s highest point is eight feet six and +a third inches above sea level. That is called the mountain region +of Holland, that’s where they do their skiing and winter sports. Mind +you, it’s the prettiest little country you ever saw in your life. Just +look down and see those hundreds of canals and boats going along all of +them. Your farm is not fenced off from your neighbor’s; there is just a +canal between you and him. You either visit by boat or holler over. If +your next-farm neighbor starts to walk over to you some night, he may +get there, but he will arrive wet. There is no road-contracting graft +in Holland, no road commissions. All roads come under the heading of +Harbor and Dock Commissions. If there is a flivver in Holland, it has +oars on it instead of wheels. + +[Illustration: That is called the mountain region of Holland.] + +She sure is a pretty dairying Country. Those old big black cows with +a white bandage around their stomachs don’t seem to mind at all. You +don’t have to brand your cattle and your herd will never get mixed up +with your neighbor’s unless they develop web feet or grow a rudder in +place of a tail. + +That windmill Gag that every Artist always pictures with Holland has +been kinder exaggerated. Higgins, Texas, has got more Windmills than +all Holland, and what I did see looked like they were sorter tired out; +they wasent doing much; they just seemed to be like a lot of things all +over Europe--they was just trying to get by on tradition. They wasent +what I could call turning out 100 per cent production. I had always +thought they were located by a little white house. Say, there is not +a little white house in Holland. There’s not even a Big white house +there. It’s the only country in the world where there is absolutely +only one color, and a paint man would starve to death trying to sell +any other. It’s a kind of red, or a dark bay. So don’t you believe +Pictures any more. What makes everything look white is because it is so +clean and neat and nice. + +Looked for the old Kaiser out in the yard chopping wood some place, +but everybody was burning coal that I could see. Guess the old Boy was +setting in the house, brooding over making the wrong jump out of the +King row. + +Amsterdam was the next stop--changed planes for Berlin. Everybody got +out and had a few Sandwiches and a couple of steins of Holland Gin. +Into a German plane and out over Germany. Say, they was farming too. +Little long strips of land laid out instead of having it all in one +big field. They do that so they can rotate the crops on the different +pieces. Forests, the most beautiful forests, all out in rows. Every +time they cut down a tree it looks like they planted two in its place. +Every time we cut one down, the fellow that cuts it down sets down to +have a smoke and celebrate. He throws his cigarette away and burns up +the rest of the forest. + +We hit Berlin at 5:30 that afternoon. Just think! Left London at 9:30, +had these stops, seen all these wonderful countries and was clear over +in Berlin in time for a drive around the city and dinner. I was going +to stop in Berlin on my way back out of Russia, so at two o’clock in +the morning, or night, I left for Russia. You go to By Königsberg. +Well, I had been in planes in the daytime, but driving away out there +in a taxi alone and crawling into an airship in the night-time is no +particular relief to a Comedian. This was a big German Junker. Not only +had two engines and two propellers but three, one big one in front and +two others as assistants. + +Well, when a German outfit say they are going to leave at two o’clock, +don’t you get there at one minute past two. If you do, you will just +hear the propeller buzzing around up in the air. She was dark as we +left. We had about twelve on board. She gets light pretty quick and +early up there; and seeing the lights down the streets as we flew +over the city and out across country, day soon begin to break and the +fog and clouds in the low places made you think every minute you were +flying right out over the ocean, and these clouds looked like big +waves. There was a regular light line miles apart that was a big light +revolving with different colors and no matter how dark, the pilot could +see where he was going. + +But she was light within less than a hour. They had a wireless or +radio on there, getting weather conditions ahead of them. We got into +Königsberg about eight o’clock, went in and had breakfast and come out, +and there was a German Fokker. It was the one we were to make the long +hop from there to Moscow in. It was piloted by the funniest looking old +chuckleheaded, shave-haired Russian boy that dident look like he was +over twenty. But say, Bub, that clown could sure rein that thing around +and make it say Uncle and play dead and roll over. He was an Aviator. + +It dident do my nerve any good when they pointed our plane out to me, +for it had only one engine. You know, there is some confidence attached +when you know there is a sort of bevy of engines, and if one goes +wrong, why, some of the others will keep percolating. But I looked at +this one and thought: “Sister, if you stop on us, we are just smeared +over the landscape of Western Russia.” + +A single Engine looks awful scarce after just emerging from one of +those Pullman-looking layouts. She looked to me like she was naked. + +Now a while ago I said that was the plane that we were going to Russia +in. I was mistaken--that was the plane that I was going to Russia in, +for I constituted Russia’s sole aerial immigration that day. Well, in +one way, I am generous. If I am going to drop, I don’t want to have the +pleasure all to myself; I want to share it with somebody. You never +want company till danger comes--then you like to look around and see +that somebody is sorter with you. + +The plane really could seat about five passengers. There was just room +for one, the Pilot, out in front; and the Mechanic was in the sort of a +compartment with me. As I got in I commenced to think of all the jokes +I had told about Russia. And then I remembered that people had remarked +to me they dident know why I had been given a passport into Russia, +when it was so hard to get one. Well, come to think of it, I dident +either. Then I thought, “Mebbe they know about some of the jokes and +this Aerial Cossack is about heading right off to Siberia with me.” I +commenced to think what kind of an act I could do for my fellow exiles +away off up there. I dident know a word of Russian, and this lad in +the compartment with me, or the Pilot either, dident know a word of +American--not even English. + +This littlier plane seemed mighty small and jumpy to me. But this old +Russian boy pulled the slack out of his reins, kinder clucked to her, +and I want to tell you she left there right now. + +We headed off for what the ticket said was to be Russia, but he could +have been going toward South Africa as far as I could tell anything +about it. + +Now this is 8:30 in the morning, and--barring accidents--this same +old wash boiler is scheduled to breeze into Moscow at 6:30 that same +afternoon, with only one stop, and that was to be at Smolensk. I could +tell the way he started out that no matter where he might be headed +for, he was certainly going to do no loitering up in that air. He just +give her her head, and dident seem to pull up for rivers, Railroad +crossings or mountains. Sitting in there kinder give me time to think +things over, or, as the novelist calls it, soliquizing: Just why was a +bonehead like me breezing off into Russia, or off into anywhere else? +What was the matter with the Verdigris bottoms down in old Rogers +County, Oklahoma? Why, there I used to be scared to climb up as high as +the barn loft unless they was a load of hay being pitched in. I could +understand a man flying out of Russia, but not in there. + +Well, we are just vaulting from cloud to cloud and the Country is +looking mighty nice down below, but not good enough to fall on. I +dident know where this Smolensk was, or what time we was supposed to +get there. You know, I think that what worried me more than anything +else was being somewhere and not being able to talk to anybody. I +wouldent have minded having a wreck if I could just have asked him on +the way down “How fast are we falling?” or any little casual remark, +just so he would have got it. It wasent the height as much as it was +keeping my mouth shut a whole day. + +Then I dident know whether I would be any better off for talk after +I did land there. You know, the thing that impressed me more away +up there, away over in Russia, was this: Here I am, for no apparent +reason, able to fly from London, England, to Moscow, Russia, in two +days, part of it over a country that we laugh at and look on as +backward and primitive; and here we have hundreds of business men in +Seattle, San Francisco, Los Angeles, Chicago, New Orleans, Talala, and +hundreds of Cities like those that want to get somewhere, mebbe on +account of illness, or thousands of other reasons, and the best they +can get there is just like their forefathers got two generations before +them. We do more talking progress than we do progressing. + +You should jump into an Airship in New York in the morning, go to a +show in Denver that night and on to Los Angeles, with enough daylight +to spare, the second day to see Mary Pickford’s home, buy a lot and +cuss the climate before bedtime. Just think of being in something that +would go by Chicago without having to stay over all day and change +depots. Look at the lives it would save there, passing over where +nobody could shoot you. + +No, sir, air is the thing--get people used to getting up into it. The +next war is going to be all in the air. Nobody ain’t going to hand you +a pair of putties and a Helmet in the next war. They are going to slip +a throttle of an airship into your hands and say, “Go aloft and see if +you are lucky enough to come down of your own accord or will somebody +have to bring you down.” It will be as big a disgrace ten years from +now not to know how to run an airship as it is now not to know how to +run a flivver. The day of the old General on the gray horse, standing +up on a little mound, waving his sword telling the other boys where to +go--that’s museum stuff. In the next war the guy that can grab him a +single-seater and go up and lay behind a cloud and tell the boys where +to go is the real coming general. + +There will be a great change of public statues in a few years. The +fellow standing there with an old Musket will have to share honor with +the statue swung down from the clouds on wires, representing a fellow +shooting through his propeller with a machine gun. + +And I am mighty glad that Henry Ford took it up. Now you know that Ford +wouldent leave the ground and take to the air unless things looked +pretty good to him up there. What Borah is to Politics and fantastical +things like that, why, Ford is to practical business needs. So keep one +eye on that old Boy. He knows more than what a Ford car is made out of. +I knew he had gone about as far as he could go on the ground unless you +breed more people. + +So if either party want an issue that you won’t have to be ashamed +of, or stand astraddle of, why, shout Airships--commercial, Private, +Government, Army, Navy; and even the air department can do with another +one. Listen and America won’t have to sit all day in a day coach to get +a hundred miles. And say, these trips over here cost you just about +what they would by first-class fare on the trains when you consider +sleepers and all. It’s not expensive traveling. + + + + + III + + +Well, I must get back up in the air again and quit monkeying my time +away trying to advise. We are flying along, and all at once I feel the +old Overland stage a-kinder doing like she was circling. I couldent +imagine what that was for. I dident know we had to fly around any +corners or sharp turns in going from one place to another, unless they +was fixing the road and he had to detour. Then I felt her nose heading +down like a bronc when he starts to swallow his head. + +I looked out to see if there was going to be a traffic accident or what +we was dodging, and below was a little town along a river. He kept +circling and getting lower, and there I could see right under us then +an aviation field. You could see other planes down there. Well, the +main thing you got to watch in an Aviator is how he gets down. All of +them have got up, but few can get down right. This bird could have lit +on an egg and never broke it. We skimmed along like a flat rock on the +water and he brought her up short and nice like a real hand reins a +good horse. + +We piled out and I noticed these old Hombres getting out their +passports and I started reaching for mine. That’s the one thing you +want to carry in your hand anywhere in Europe. It might be a forged one +and no good, but they just seem to get a pleasure out of having you +dig for it. Well, the officer that took it started in yapping about +something, and I told him he was fooling away his time and wasting some +kind of mighty good language on me; that I dident even know what the +language was, much less the words; that I spoke only English, and that +up to only two syllables. He went off and dug up another one that knew +a little of it. There was a lot of Soldiers and a lot of activity there. + +This new one said to me, “You have no Veesay.” In other words, I dident +have an O.K. on my passport. + +Well, that sho threw a scare into me. Here I have come all the way here +and gone to all that trouble, and now there is something the matter +with it. I grabbed at it and showed him what damage the Russians had +done to it in London for quite a few dollars. + +“Yes, Russia; but no Lithuania.” + +“Lithuania? Lithuania? Why, I never even heard of it, much less getting +a passport to it! Where is it? Where are we anyway? I thought I was +going to Russia.” + +[Illustration: Lithuania? Why, I never even heard of it.] + +Well, they soon made it known to me that I had better have done some +studying on Geography since the Versailles Peace Conference--that +really wasent a Peace Conference; it was just a map remodeling. Say, +but I want to tell you they had them a Country, all right, from the +looks of all the officers running around there. I saw one of them +kinder looking out toward his little army and getting them ready to +call into action. At first when I saw them around there I thought they +were making a Picture; it looked just like Hollywood. I soon found it +was on the level. + +“You should have Veesay.” I had to tell them that I dident even know I +was flying over their country much less landing in it. It seems that +this was not a regular stop; this Aviator has had to come down for +something. They called a general war conference to see what to do with +this American who had dropped in on them without a calling card. They +then decided to phone down to the town, which was Kovno, and is the +Capital. + +Well, down in town they called the House of Parliament or Congress +together to devise ways and means to deal with such an unusual case. So +instead of phoning back, why, they sent a soldier back on a Bicycle. It +was quite a ways out of town. He had the news that I was to buy $3.50. +I gave them a Russian ten-ruble piece--that’s about five dollars in +our money. A ruble is worth fifty cents in Russia and about two cents +outside of there. They wasent any too anxious to take it, but they did, +and went off for change, when I told them that that was all right; just +keep the change and let the Army have a drink on me. + +If I had just thought and told them I was a friend of President +Wilson’s, I would have got by, because he is the one that laid all +these countries out. It was one of those Self-Determination of small +Nations. No man ever lived that had more noble ideas than Mr. Wilson, +and any time a committee would come to him with ten names signed on an +application, and tell him that they wanted a Country, why, he would +give them one. If they dident know exactly where they wanted it, and +couldent decide, why, the League would give it to them off of Russia. +Different little Nations gnawed so much off the edge of Russia that on +the map it looks like a piece of pie that somebody with every other +tooth out has bit into. Right up above them is another troop called +the Lats, of Latvia, then several others. They are all pretty fine +little Nations. But it’s a pretty tough struggle to get a new Country +started, though they are all making a pretty good fight. This one had +a mighty nifty-looking little army. All had on nice neat uniforms, +and the Officers looked great. Made the Red Army in Russia look like a +burlesque for appearance. So I am going to send the League of Nations a +bill for $3.50 for finding one of their Countries for them. + +Say, here is a little inside Diplomatic stuff too. There was a French +plane up there among them, and this Frenchman was showing them how to +do it. + +Well, I gathered up my two Russians and we hooked up the traces, +clucked to the old Fokker and we was off somewhere else--I dident know +where. But I warned them in my best pantomime not to be hunting around +for any other new Countries, but to find Russia. If it wasent big +enough to find, why, we better go down and borrow a map. + +Well, all this delay had kinder set us back in time, and this old +Bolsheviki Boy just looked like he took a string and tied his gas +throttle right down to the floor. She was wide open, and we started in +hunting Russia. The clip we was going at I knew we couldent land in any +little Country. We was going so fast we would have gone plumb through +it before we could have come down to earth. So I knew then it must be +Russia, for it was the only country in the world that could furnish +that much ground to whiz over. All I was scared about was that we would +wind up at Vladivostok or in Japan. + +Now in going into Russia I think I am just like the majority of +people--we don’t know or have any idea what it is like. My one +impression of Russia is a sleigh going through a forest, with deep snow +on the ground, pulled by a horse with a big high Yoke up over his neck +and the wolves jumping up biting at the horse’s throat, and some others +trying to devour the inmates of the sleigh. Now that is the picture +that I have had uppermost in my mind of Russia all my life, and I bet a +lot of you have the same. We always associate that picture with Russia, +just like we always associate the Delaware River with the picture of +Washington standing up in the middle of the boat, with the ice all +around, not rowing himself but telling the other boys which way to +row. He was a natural Commander. I have often wondered what he would +have been doing if they had had to swim the river. + +So, after thinking of that picture and the wolves, I believe that is +why I took the airplane in there. I felt pretty safe up there from the +wolves. The way we was going, any old wolf would sure have had trouble +jumping up and snapping at us. If he had ever jumped up at us, he would +have hit the fellow in the plane on the same route next day. + +We was flying nice and low and you could see all the people out in +the fields working--well, not exactly all the people, but the ones +that were women. Then every time we would pass over a little town or +village you would see a kind of a market place, and all the men would +be gathered; or you would see them driving in or out of town in little +wagons with one horse. + +I think the men are pretty good that way in Russia. They make mighty +good husbands. If the wives raise anything, why, the Husbands are +perfectly willing to take it to town and sell it. + +[Illustration: My one impression of Russia.] + +It’s not a bad arrangement, at that. You know a lot of these countries +have got things that I would like to see put in over in Cuckooland. +If women can go out and swim all the Channels they can find, why, +they certainly ought to be able to pitch some hay. So I can’t think +of a better arrangement than these Russians have for all parties +concerned--that is, as long as the wife raises something. The women in +Russia cultivate the land and the men cultivate their whiskers. The men +are the best farmers--they have never been known to have a bad whisker +crop. No such thing as a failure. When in doubt, raise whiskers. + +All the western part of Russia is level, with slight rolling hills. +Very few farmhouses are off to themselves; they are in sorter a little +bunch. The houses are low, built of logs, and have straw-covered roofs. +The houses and the stables are all built into one, generally in a +square shape. It’s a beautiful country to look at. And grass? Oh, Boy, +I just thought if some of my old Western ranchmen could see all that +big fine grass going to waste--millions of acres and very little stock +on it, with plenty of water. There was quite a few herds of goats, a +good many horses, and cattle, mostly milk stock. Everything fat and fine. + +And here is one thing I want to tell you too before I forget it: +Even in Moscow, where the old fellow that is driving his Droshky--or +whatever it is they call those old kind of one-horse-buggy things--may +look like he hadent had anything to eat in a week, but I tell you his +horse is sure fat. They got the fattest, best-looking horses there I +ever saw--never saw a poor one. + +One of the only mysterious occurrences of the trip happened just before +we got into this Smolensk. This Mechanic in there with me pulled the +curtains tight over the windows on both sides and I couldent see out. +Then I felt the plane turning and knew we were landing. He left me +sitting there looking at myself till we were entirely stopped. There +was nothing to see after I got on the ground. There was some kind of +military operations going on around there, as they are always arguing +with Poland and this is near the line. They think France is backing +Poland. Every nation in Europe goes to bed with a gun under its head. + +Well, whatever they were trying to keep from me, they kept it. I went +into a neat little eating place there and got my first crack at some +Russian Tea. They serve it in big high glasses like Lemonade; no cream, +but they use Sugar. It’s mighty good, and after I tried their coffee +I went right back on this ration of Tea. I had these old Russian boys +come in and eat with me, and we made a lot of signs and had a lot of +fun, loaded up with gas. It’s along in the afternoon now, and this old +Russian Casey Jones grabbed his throttle and this other old Nester kept +his blinds pulled till we were away out of town. We are breezing along +and I feel him kinder tack off to one side and I peep out and I see a +big black cloud ahead. Well, sir, he went over to the right to try to +take roundance on the thing. Then he decided to go under it; then he +changed his mind and went over it. Of all the dodging and twisting and +ducking that he did, and I want to relate to you that he sho did keep +out of it. I wouldent be afraid to meet a cyclone with that old boy if +he could just see her coming. She would have to do some tall twisting +to catch him. + +We went into Moscow right on the dot--not a minute late. That field was +full of Airplanes; there must have been eight or ten single-seaters up +doing their stuff. Now just the last few days you have read about the +advance in aviation and the amount of planes that Russia has. Now that +is what I am trying to get you to understand. These Guys over here in +Europe, no matter how little or how big the country, they have left the +ground and are in the air. Nobody is walking but us; everybody else is +flying. So in a few years, when somebody starts dropping something on +us, don’t you say I didn’t tell you. + +Now everybody had said to me in going in, “Don’t take anything in with +you; they examine everything. They look at every card. Don’t take a +thing or don’t write a thing while you are in there; everybody is a Spy +and everybody is listening to what you have to say.” + +Well, they throwed such a scare into me that I stripped myself down +till I dident have a single piece of paper about me but my passport. +I tore up two handfuls of cards that people had given me of people in +Russia to look up for them. I had the parents’ address of everybody in +New York City. Now I dident know exactly how they might stand, and if +they caught me with these names, I might be suspected of being a Spy or +something. Outside of my passport, if I had been run over in Russia, +nobody in the world could have told where I was from or who I was. + +I had an address I had to tear up that Morris Gest had given me of +a good restaurant that served Kafilka Fish and Luction Soup, both +of which I have learned--after strenuous apprenticeship--to like. I +dident want it to get out in Russia that I knew Gest, so I tore that +up. Dawes’ letters to all the Financiers in Europe I tore up, for I +thought the worst thing in the world you could be caught with was any +connection with Capital. I thought if they found them on me they will +have me in the Kremlin, waiting for daylight to come so the squad +will be sure not to miss a shot. Al Jolson had given me a letter to a +Jewish musician there who writes all the words and music to all his +Southern Mammy Songs. I took in only one suit and four extra shirts, as +I was told if I took in too much I would be suspected of capitalistic +tendencies. I debated with myself a long time in the hotel in Berlin +the night I left whether two extra pair of socks instead of one would +constitute capitalistic affluence. I wouldent risk it. I even dident +get a shave for a few days, figuring I might pass as a native. + +[Illustration: I didn’t get a shave, figuring I might pass as a native.] + +Now, as a consequence, I dident have a soul in the world to go to, or a +single address. For when you tear up the name and address of a Russian, +that name is gone forever. No English-speaking person living today +can remember a single Russian name. They were told they could have only +so many letters in their Alphabet. Well, they took fifteen of these +they dident want and traded them for fifteen extra K’s and Z’s. So the +alphabet consists of twenty-six letters, seventeen K’s and Z’s and nine +other letters. That is the thing that has made Lenin and Trotzky famous +outside Russia. They were the only ones that the outside world could +pronounce their names. + +Well, due to such expert advice, no one ever knocked on the portals of +Sing Sing any lighter equipped than I entered the city of Moscow. I +dident even have my Shriner pin or my Elk Tooth Fob. I tell you I was +practically Neglige. + +Now you talk about having sea legs when you get off a boat. Say, crawl +out of an Airship after about sixteen hours in the air! + +Your legs don’t wabble like they do when just off a boat; it’s your +arms. They want to start flapping and you want to ascend again. I +never felt anything as low in my life as that ground was. I went into +a little customs office. They took my passport, but instead of like +lots of countries where they take it away and hold a Clinic over it, +why, this old boy give it a peek and shoved it back to me. I opened up +the grip. He got one peek--dident even feel in there. Talk about not +bringing in anything, why, I could have had a Grand Plane in there and +he would never have seen it! + +And as for looking to see what you had in your pocket or had on your +person, why, I could have had a bass drum in each hip pocket, a +Saxophone down each leg and two years’ collection of the Congressional +Records in my coat pockets. Now you know yourself that would have +been the most bunglesome thing I could have had. I also had a little +Typewriter. This Customs fellow thought it was a Cash Register. So, you +see, there was one set of advice blew up. + +I bid this old Russian Aviator Boy good-by, and when I shook his hand +I meant it, and if I ever decide to take up the usual tourist trip of +flying over the North Pole, why, this old funny-looking square-headed +boy would be the one I would take out a stack with. But I guess the +traffic will be so congested next summer flying over the pole that you +would just have to wait for your turn to pass it. + + + + + IV + + +Now a few years ago the Bourgeois Party ---- Now I better stop right +here early and tell you what that “Bourgeois” word is, what it means +and how it is pronounced. There are two main words in Russia--one +is “Bourgeois” and the other is “Proletariat,” and “Soviet,” of +course, which means Council or Congress, only not quite as bad as our +understanding of Congress. Now “Proletariat” means the poor people, +or what would be known in America as the Democrats; and the word +“Bourgeois” means the rich people, which in America would be known as +Republicans; or if they are very rich, the Conservative Republican +Party. + +Now the word “Proletariat” you can pronounce; even some Congressmen can +get it right; but the word “Bourgeois” has bogged down more politicians +grammatically than the name Susanne Lenglen. “Bourgeois” is pronounced +by the Russians--and it’s theirs, they ought to know--it’s pronounced +“Burge-Wah.” So, you see, while Russian spelling is terrible, the +pronunciation is generally correct. Now I am just explaining these to +you so in using them, as I perhaps will be in future Russian matters, +we will understand each other. I really was not sent here to instruct +America grammatically--only Diplomatically. But a little Intelligentzia +now and then is relished by the best of men, even politicians. + +Well, as I started to say, the Bourgeois--remember pronunciation--party +sent over Elihu Root years ago on practically the same mission as I +was on, but he dident find out much. In fact, if I remember right, he +didn’t find out anything. So if I can report on how to pronounce and +define three Russian words, I can well report progress. + +Now the first thing I want to do is to dispel one generally popular +illusion that everybody has to watch one’s conduct while in Russia. +Everybody said: “Be very careful what you say or do while in there; +they have spies and secret police all over the place. Every waiter or +servant in the Hotel, they let on they don’t speak English, but they +do, and report everything. It’s that G. P. P., or Cheko, the famous +secret-service organization of Russia.” + +[Illustration: Everybody said, “They have spies and secret police all +over the place.”] + +Well, they had me so scared that New York third-degree police methods +wouldent have got a word from me. If anybody said to me, “It’s a nice +day today,” I would be afraid even to agree with them. I would just +nod my head both ways, kind of a half yes and 50 per cent no. I was as +agreeable to everybody as an Insurance Agent before he lands you. + +Then a lot of friends had said to me, “Oh, you will get many a laugh +out of there; I would like to be with you up there.” + +Funny? Say, I was just about the saddest looking thing you ever saw. +Claremore, Oklahoma’s favorite light Comedian was in no jovial mood +to derive merriment from a Bolsheviki régime that far away from home. +I had seen pictures of long trains wending their way across the Trans +Siberian Railway, hauling heavy loads of human freight, when nobody had +a return ticket but the Conductor, all perhaps for getting funny +with Russia. + +So if I thought of an alleged Wise Crack, it was immediately stifled +before reaching even the thorax. If somebody was going to pull nifties +at the expense of the Soviet Régime, I certainly was not going to be +the culprit. The whole system of Communism might have openly appeared +to me Cockeyed and disastrous, but if I thought so, I would have said +it to myself. + +No, come to think about it, I wouldent even have said it to myself. I +would have been afraid some thought reader would pick it up. I dident +want to do anything or say anything that could be used against me. I +wanted to get out in the peaceful way I had got in. I wanted to arrive +back home 100 per cent whole this fall, to tell my little wheezes to +the dissatisfied agrarian popolation, or what is mistakenly called the +Rube Belt. I couldent think of a single Prohibition joke that I thought +would get over around a Prison Camp fire on the shores of the Behring +Straits. You know, I don’t think there is anything as pitiful or sad as +a half-scared Comedian. I looked, I absorbed, but I dident utter. + +Then for the next popular illusion I was told by everyone, “Oh, they +will take care of you; they will just take you around and show you just +what they want you to see. You won’t be allowed to see anything. You +will be sheperded around to just all the good-appearing things.” + +Well, here is the funny part about it: I don’t think there was a soul +in Russia that knew I was in there. In fact it kinder hurt my pride +when I found nobody was watching me or paying me any attention. You +see, it’s so hard to get a Passport in there that I thought when they +did give me one I felt kinder like every new Congressman when he +first comes to Washington and look for Mr. and Mrs. Coolidge and the +Cabinet and Alice Longworth and Walter Johnson all to meet him at the +train. Then he comes and prowls around for a week before anybody but +his Landlord knows he is there. In fact some stay there for years and +nobody ever knows they are there. + +Well, that’s the way I felt. ’Course, I dident figure on any +public reception. I dident hardly dare to hope for so much as the +much-heralded Cossacks to charge and cut the heads off any remaining +nobility in Red Square. But I did begin to think if they are going to +start showing me about they better be at it. I tell you it was lonesome +and humiliating on me. I wanted to hire my own Detective and have him +watch me just to keep up the popular tradition. + +Well, I went all over the country; drove out to villages, went to other +towns, got on the train and made a night’s journey from Moscow to St. +Petersburg--or Leningrad was the name of it that week--and wasent +stopped or asked a question; and dident even have any passport, as it +had been left with the Hotel to give to the Police, as that is their +custom. + +I run onto an old American boy that was working for a big mining +concern and he and I looked at everything there was to see, and a lot +of things that if they had been very careful they shouldent have let +us see. I talked to various Government officials connected with their +Foreign Department, and everywhere had the greatest courtesy and +consideration. They explained anything that I would ask them about the +government or the country. One thing, though, that a Communist can do is +explain. You can ask him any question in the world, and if you give him +long enough he will explain their angle, and it will sound plausible +then. Communism to me is one-third practice and two-thirds explanation. + +I wanted to go in the Kremlin, the old-time Czars’ Castle and Fort. +It’s now where all the Government business is carried on. ’Course, +you have to have a permit, but they gave it to me and in I went. They +give you a Guide who speaks English to take you through. But that was +the only place where they furnished me one. Anywhere else I could mess +around all over the place. Lenine’s Tomb--the body is just there in a +glass case. Well, at the present time you can’t go in there, as they +are overhauling or upholstering the body, or something. It’s just a +little wooden building outside the Kremlin wall. + +I wanted, of course, when I went in there, to see Trotzky. I wanted +to write about him and tell how he stacked up with Borah and Young +LaFollette and Jim Reed and Al Smith and Sol Bloom and the New York +Times man in there, Duranty, who has been there for years and is the +best informed man in Russia on their affairs, and a fine congenial +little fellow and a godsend to visiting English or Americans. Well, +Duranty and I went to see a man about seeing Trotzky. A little fellow +named Rothstein, who spoke English and used to work on a paper in +England, he has to do with censoring all that goes out to the Press. I +told him the nature of the visit to Trotzky was to find out just what +kind of a Guy he was personally; that I dident want any of his state +secrets. I just wanted to see did he drink, eat, sleep, laugh and act +human, or was his whole life taken up for the betterment of mankind. +I told him that anything that I wrote would not break up the pleasant +relations that existed between our two glorious Nations. + +Mr. Rothstein informed me: “We are a very serious people; we do not go +in for fun and laughter. In running a large Country like this we have +no time for appearing frivolous. We have a great work to perform for +the betterment of mankind. We are sober.” + +Well, I explained to him that I dident hardly expect Trotzky to make +any faces for me or to turn a few somersaults or tell the one about two +Hebrews named Abe and Moe. I tole him that the man must have some very +good human qualities, and on account of being in America at one time, +he has always been of especial interest to us; more than anyone else in +Russia since Lenin’s death. I wanted to tell them that what they needed +in their Government was more of a sense of humor and less of a sense of +revenge. + +[Illustration: I didn’t hardly expect Trotzky to make any faces for me +or to turn a few somersaults.] + +I saw that this old boy wasent so strong for me X-raying Trotzky. But +I bet you if I had met him and had a chat with him, I would have found +him a very interesting and human fellow, for I have never yet met a man +that I dident like. When you meet people, no matter what opinion you +might have formed about them beforehand, why, after you meet them +and see their angle and their personality, why, you can see a lot of +good in all of them. You know how it is yourself. I bet you have had +Political enemies and you would think from your impressions of them +that they ought to be quartered in the zoo in the reptile house. Yet +when you met them you could see their side and find they wasent so bad, +and that you were both trying to get about the same thing in the long +run. + +Rothstein wants me to stay over one day longer, and he would have me +see Tchitcherin. He was the Prime Minister, and naturally would be the +main one. But it was Trotzky I want to see if possible. These Prime +Ministers, they are so sudden that before I can write you about one of +them he may be out and be three Ministers removed from his old position. + +But I found out the real reason I dident get to see Trotzky. Trotzky is +not in so good with the present government. It may seem rather funny +to some to hear he is too conservative for them. He has his ideas how +things should run, as he is one of the old-timers in the party. He got +so bad as an opposition that the Party shipped him away off down in +the Ural’s to get him out of the way. But he is really strong with the +people, and there was such a fuss raised over it that they had to drag +him back to the capital again and create a job for him; so they made +him Minister of Concessions. + +Now, on the face of it, that looks like a pretty soft job, for Russia +certainly has lots of concessions to peddle out. But they made it so +Red-Tapey that he couldent give out the Vodka-selling privilege at the +next Revolution without having it passed by an act of the entire Soviet +Council; so it really wasent so much of a job as it appeared on the +letterhead. He had charge of the Army for a long time, and built up +quite a formidable gang. + +The real fellow that is running the whole thing in there is a Bird +named Stalin, a great big two-fisted fighting egg from away down in the +Caucasian Mountains. He is the Borah of the Black Sea. He is kinder the +Mellon and Butler combined of the Russian administration. He is the +stage manager of Bolshevism right now. He don’t hold any great high +position himself, but he tells the others what ones they will hold. He +has served his term in Siberia under the Czar. Well, Trotzky is kinder +not sitting at his round table at lunch. But the Peasants out in the +county are still strong for Trotzky. He sees that there must be some +changes made in the way they are running things. The Peasants think +they have a kick that they are not getting enough for their grain, and +Trotzky is sorter siding with them. So he is called a conservative. + +[Illustration: He has served his term in Siberia under the Czar.] + +A Conservative among Communists is a man with a Bomb in only one hand; +a Radical is what you would call a Two-Bomb Man. They have one in each +hand, and will spit a third one at you if possible. But I saw and +talked to lots of them in the Government; also met all the gang that +they sent out from America that time with Big Bill Haywood--was going +to see old Bill, but he was sick in the Hospital and I couldent get to +see him. From what I heard, Bill sho would like to get back among the +gang in Chicago. If I was Bill, and had that opportunity of going from +Russia to Chicago I would give it serious thought before I would make +the change. + +Met the smartest, brightest old Bolshe fellow in there named George. +I don’t know his other name, but you couldent pronounce it if I wrote +it. He said he was one of the twenty-two that Judge Landis sent to +Leavenworth to break their jump to Russia that time. He is a bright, +smart kind of a Duck, but not what I would call a Landis rooter. Met a +big nice jovial fellow from Chicago--forgot his name, said he run for +President on the Socialist ticket the year Jimmy Cox did. I told him I +could faintly remember Jimmy, for he happened to be a good friend of +mine; but I couldent remember him. He said he runs pretty near every +year on that Ticket--said, “I may run this year.” I told him there was +no Presidential election this year unless there was an impeachment. + +He said, “Ain’t there? Well, mebbe it’s next year then; I don’t pay +much ’tention to what years I am running and what years I am not.” + +He was feeling pretty good about the whole way things were running in +there, and was very enthusiastic about it all; he was strong for ’em. +He had a passport back! I bet if you had stole that passport away from +that old Boy you would have just had 284 pounds’ worth of suicide on +your hands. The funny part about it among these American ones you meet +over there visiting, they are all so nice and friendly and enthusiastic +about it, and believe in it away above our form of government; but +they all go back over home. It just looks to me like Communism is such +a happy-family affair, that not a Communist wants to stay where it is +practiced. It’s the only thing they want you to have but keep none +themselves. Well, this continuous Presidential Candidate was a mighty +nice fellow, and I would like to see him get into the finals some day, +even if he don’t win. + + + + + V + + +Now I know you want to know what about it, and how is it working, +and what is it. Well, I am giving it as much study as a Bird like me +could give serious study to anything. Before coming in here, I read +everything. I read so many of that fellow Marx’s books that I don’t +want even to see the Marx Brothers, as clever as they are. I have come +to the conclusion that the reason there is so many books on Socialism +is because it’s the only thing in the world that you can’t explain +easy. It’s absolutely impossible for any Socialist to say anything in a +few words. You say, “Is it light or dark?” and it takes him two volumes +to answer Yes or No; and then I know there is a catch in it somewhere. +It’s like a long Theatrical Contract. If one of them tells beyond the +Salary and the amount of weeks you are to work, why, you might just as +well light a cigarette with it. More words ain’t good for anything in +the world only to bring on more argument. + +If Socialists worked as much as they talked, they would be the most +prosperous style of Government in the World. But the thing is they +don’t know anything about it themselves. There is not two of them in +the world with the same idea of what it is. They say, “All we want is +somebody to come in and see with an open mind.” Well, if ever a Guy +went into Russia with an open mind it was me. It was not only open but +it verged on being empty. Lord, if 130,000,000 people that never had +it any too soft in their lives are trying to work out a way to better +their condition, why, it ain’t for a yap like me to come along and tell +them that they are all wrong. + +You know, I dident have to go to Russia to find comedy or chaos in +Governments. If I was looking for governments that wasent just exactly +hitting on all six, why, I left one and went through a dozen more +going to Russia, so anybody better not start heaving too many rocks at +Russia’s government--I don’t care which country you come from--till +you have looked your own over. + +Liberty don’t work as good in practice as it does in Speech. You got to +figure that bunch of fellows are playing with the biggest Toy in the +world. They are like a poor old Farmer or Rancher out home in Oklahoma +that has a bunch of Kids, and they have never had anything to play +with in their lives but an old hound pup; and then Dad strikes Oil, +is paid a big bonus, and wanting to do something for his Gang, goes +to Tulsa and gets them all the mechanical toys of every description +in the world and hands them to them to play with. Well, that is what +somebody has slipped these soviet fellows. They have had an electric +train thrust into their hands and they had never pulled the string on +even a jumping jack before, and they are naturally going to have a lot +of short circuits and burned fingers before they get the thing started. +Cæsar and Nero and that bunch of boys that got credit for steam-roller +measures through the Roman senate were playing county politics compared +to these Babies. The whole Roman Empire, in its balmiest days--and it +had some balmy days--that little Minor-League Empire would have got so +lost in Russia that Columbus, De Soto and Lewis Clark couldent have +found it. + +Now handing this bunch of fellows Russia would just be like Judge Gary +coming backstage at the Follies and saying, “Here, Will, you and the +Girls take over the Steel Corporation and run it.” Now you have to have +some kind of training to handle something big or else you have to do +a lot of practicing on it after you get it, which is generally pretty +expensive. Most of these fellows were on little Communist Newspapers. + +Now America has withstood some pretty rough handling at times, but I +sure would hate to see it fall under the management of a troop of our +Dissatisfied Newspaper men. Put it in the hands of an old hardheaded +Farmer or a small-town Merchant, but deliver it from Editors. They +would have more Theories how to run us than the Communists. So you +got to give these fellows a little bit of the benefit of the doubt. +They are practicing and are trying to do the best they can, but +unfortunately they are practicing on 130,000,000 people that have to +remain the horrible example till these Guys find out themselves just +what it’s all about. + +’Course, it won’t be such a terrible disgrace--on them--if they don’t +make it, for there is Nations with men trained from childhood in +government that looks like they were getting practiced on. It’s just +tough on the people, that’s all. It’s no disgrace not to be able to +run a country nowadays, but it is a disgrace to keep on trying when +you know you can’t. ’Course, things look pretty bad there. You see, +this is ’26 and the war started in ’14. That means twelve years that +trains, street cars, Public Buildings, and in fact everything, has not +had a thing done to it since the day the Czar’s forces marched off to +fight Germany; no painting, no streets fixed up to amount to anything. +Most of the streets are, however, kept clean. You see a great deal of +poverty among the people along the streets, a great many ragged little +children begging. ’Course, you can see these things in lots of cities +besides Russian ones, but it’s worse in there. + +I never saw a pair of silk stockings on a single lady on the street. +Everything is very expensive. Most all the manufactured things have to +be imported, as their factories, very few of them are operating. The +Factories are there, but the machinery is all rusted and spoiled in all +these years of no usage; and they have to get in new machinery; and it +costs a lot of money to re-equip all those. Food things shouldent be +so high, for they raise everything in the world up there; but it seems +to cost them a lot to handle it through the stores. They have these +coöperative stores; in fact everything is supposed to belong to the +government, but they are changing now and allowing private ownership +and cutting prices over each other. + +You see, the Communism that they started out with, the idea that +everybody would get the same and have the same--Lord, that dident work +at all. That has all been changed--the idea that the fellow that was +managing the bank was to get no more than the man that swept it out. +That talked well to a crowd, but they got no more of that now than we +have. I don’t suppose there is two men in Russia getting exactly the +same salary. They get what they can get, and where they can get it. +When the government runs anything, as they do practically everything +over there, there is always about twice or three times as many working +in the place as would be found in private enterprises. + +During these hard times they have had so much dishonesty among the +people working where they could get their hands on any money that it +takes about two to watch one, and then four others to watch those two. +There is also an awful lot of unemployment. + +Taxes are very high. They have succeeded in stabilizing their +money--that is, inside the Soviet Union. The Ruble is worth 50 cents, +which is the par value of it. The Chervonetz, or sort of a little +pocket Chevrolet, is worth just about five dollars, and compares +with the English pound. Right after the Revolution, when they were +operating their money like a lot of these Countries over here do, on +just a Printing-Press basis, why, they had bootleg money-makers, just +like they do over home with--alleged--booze. If you needed any money, +you would go to your Currency Bootlegger and buy it. Each one claimed +to make Nothing but Prewar stuff. Now they got it stabilized, but it’s +up so high nobody can get any of it. + +I asked an official of their Foreign Office how they maintained it at +standard, and he said: “We balance our budget. We estimate how much +will come in during the year and don’t spend any more than that. We +make our exports and imports balance, and that is one reason we cannot +bring in as many things as we would like to.” + +But another very prominent man who had been in there off and on for +years, doing a big business in there, said: “They originally started +out with a bunch of Gold that they inherited from the original +Government, and what they had confiscated from various ones during and +after the Revolution, and they took that to England and borrowed its +equivalent in money on a loan against the gold. Well, they took this +money and come back home and issued more currency against what they had +brought from England, saying, ‘It’s all backed by our gold reserve.’ +They would issue another batch against the last one, just pyramiding, +all backed up by this original that was in hock to England. But anyhow, +they have kept it steady, and you don’t have to read the papers every +day to see what you have.” + +Of course, anyone going in will ask, “Is it working? Is everybody +happy?” Well, they are not. Over 90 per cent of the population in +Russia are farmers, and live out in the country and Villages. The +Revolution was to get the Peasant the land. They took all the land and +everything that the rich or even fairly prosperous had away from them, +and it’s owned by the Government. They give it to the Peasant, but it’s +only his as long as he lives on it and tends it. He can’t trade it off +or sell it. The real deed to the land is held by the Government. + +’Course, that beat the old way of being under the thumb of the +Landlord. But now that the Peasant owns it, he has to pay the taxes on +it. Before, it was the Landlord had to pay them. So the difference in +what he pays the Government and what he paid the Landlord is so little +that he can’t hardly see where he comes in to be much better off. + +But that is not the real and the serious trouble there. It is this: The +Government tells the farmer what he shall get for his products--based, +of course, on the market value at that time. Well, he is not kicking +so much on that as he is on this: When he sells his grain, he can’t +take the money and go buy what he needs. He can’t buy his plows and his +wagons and his harness and many other things that has to be made by a +factory. They cost him more than his grain brought him; and if he did +happen to have enough, then the things are not to be found to buy. They +have to import most of them and the cost to the farmer is tremendous. +So what does the old Farmer do? He won’t sell them the stuff. + +The Russian Peasant may be Illiterate, but he is not what you would +call Dumb. He knows something about this Guy Marx’s theories himself. +He knows what’s the use raising anything if you can’t trade it or sell +it for what you want. So he is just raising for his own use. And living +on what he raises. If he does raise more, when they say, “You have so +much wheat here; you must sell that,” he illiterately replies, “No, I +eat that. My family very big bread eaters, eat lots of wheat. I have +none for sale.” + +Sometimes he hides it; but, anyhow, he is not selling it, and that has +got the whole Communistic Party about cuckoo right at this minute. +Their problem is to satisfy him. They have to get him some stuff in +there cheaper than they can afford to, or make it, or pay more for his +grain than they can get for it in outside world markets. Somebody is +going to lose some money on the thing, and it ain’t going to be old +Mr. Peasant. He can set and live on just exactly what he raises. But +the old Boys in town has got to get enough nourishment from what the +farmer raises to make those brotherhood-of-man speeches on. The old +farmer just grinds his extra up into Vodka, lays in a lot of wood and +hibernates for the winter. + +If you got that Vodka for a companion you got a mighty ally on your +side when it comes to forgetting your troubles. The old Peasant has +gone through many of these same winters. He knows it’s not going to +make much difference with him who is in. You see, there is only 600,000 +Communists in the whole of Russia, and they are ruling over the other +130,000,000. So this 600,000 has got to figure out some way to sorter +half satisfy this small minority. + +Look over home the Pheasants out in the West and Middle West are +either hollering for higher prices for their grain or cheaper prices +for flivver parts, phonograph records, Crystal sets, cheaper movie +admission and Government instruction in Black-bottom dance steps. So, +you see, Russia’s problem is about our problem, only Russians can get +along without all these necessities. They can live on what they raise, +and drink the surplus and enjoy it. But you have got to supply our +Pheasants with these essentials, for they can vote and the Russians +can’t--they can vote, but they can’t get them counted. + +So, after all, the world is just about the same whether it be on the +banks of the Vulgar or the Potomac. So we are not in a position hardly +to blame the Communists for not finding a solution when we pay 600 men +$10,000 apiece a year and they can’t find out. + +So, as I said before, I dident have to go to Russia to find humor in +Government. + + + + + VI + + +We will start in looking the towns over. This is the town they used to +call St. Petersburg. Then when the war come along with Germany and they +got afraid Germany would capture it, they changed its name to Petrograd +so it would fool the Germans and they wouldent know what town they were +capturing. Well, that worked fine. Germany couldent find it, and just +when the Czar and all his board of strategy was gloating over their +clever ruse, why, a fellow named Lenin found out where it was, and he +had never had a town named after him; in fact, they had always kept him +moving so fast that he couldent tell whether the town was named after +him or before him. + +Well, he said, “If I take this town, will you name it after me?” + +They replied in the affirmative. So he found it and took it, and now +it is named Leningrad. I found it; so if you hear of it being called +Rogerskofsxzy, why, that will be partly in my honor. + +From what I could gather from the old-time residents there, it used +to be quite a place; kind of a cross between Hollywood, California, +St. Louis and Chicago. It had the drab night life of Hollywood, the +color, dash and brilliance of St. Louis and the pistol and rifle fire +of Chicago. It is situated at the mouth of the Neva River; and when I +say the mouth of the Neva I am wrong. I mean the mouths of the Neva. +It’s plural, and it’s also singular that it should have so many mouths, +but it has. It just can’t make up its mind how to get out of Russia and +empty in the Gulf of Finland. Nurmi is the capital of Finland. + +The ground is very low under Leningrad; in fact, it’s the only town +in the world whose altitude is just exactly 0. There is towns that +are above sea level, and there is towns that are below sea level; but +Leningrad couldent make up her mind which she wanted to be, so she just +split the difference. + +You have to move twice a day in Leningrad--at low tide you live +downstairs and at high tide you move back upstairs. It’s built on +poles driven into the mud and clams. Peter the Great settled it, but +that is not why he was called Peter the Great. He lost an election +bet--the other side spent too much money--and he either had to build a +town in some odd place or roll a wheelbarrow around the living room, so +he decided on the former. He got even with all the other Czars, for he +put a Joker in the 19th Amendment of their Constitution, so they would +have to live there. Like our old-time Presidents used to have to live +in Washington in the Summertime. Winter starts the first week in July +and ends the last week in June. Spring, Summer and Fall are not what +you would call long, but they are comfortable--all three days are very +pleasant. But with all its flatness, it’s much the most beautiful City +in Russia. The streets are all laid out straight and cross at right +angles. It has some wonderful buildings and marvelous Churches. + +It was the Capital of the Country when the Bolshevikis got it, but +was so close to the Gulf that they got afraid somebody would come up +there with a big Battleship and drop a few shots among the assembled +Senators. You know, Communists like to throw things themselves at +various Governments and prominent people, but they don’t like the idea +of being on the receiving end of anything in the nature of a bomb. + +The city is much more modern and European than Moscow. Moscow has more +of the Far East in its appearance, with all of its Mosque-like domes +to all the Churches. It’s really ancient, while Leningrad has been +made to order. The main street is the Nevskii Prospekt. The Soviets +have changed the name to the 25th of October. That’s the date of a +Revolution. They changed the old names on everything that was connected +with the Czar’s régime. + +Now when these people took everything over and run everybody out +that had anything, they took most of the Palaces and big places that +belonged to the rich and made Museums and Schools and Clubs and Public +buildings. Of course, they have not been able to keep them up in very +good shape, but you can see what they must have been when the old Gang +were going good. ’Course the main one most everybody is interested in +is the Czar’s Palace, or the Winter Palace. It fronts out on a great +big square, composed of big old worn Cobblestones. + +It was formerly called Palace Square, and is the one you have seen in +most pictures showing the Czar’s Armies and Revolutionary scenes; in +fact, just about everything of any importance that wanted to happen in +Russia for hundreds of years back had to wait for their turn to happen +on this square. And it was in it that the present Government captured +it from the Royal régime. It’s now called Uritzsky Square. He was a +Socialist that was killed here. They, as I say, always name things +after the last man killed there on their side. If you get killed on +the side that don’t win, you don’t get the place named after you; but +if you do win, why, you can die knowing you had a square named after +you, provided you are the last one killed. You must always be careful +about that--pick your time to get shot. Get these names: The Garden of +the Toilers another square is called; then there is the Square of the +Victims of the Revolution. One of their bridges is called the Bridge of +Equality. + +This Palace was practically the constant home of the Czars. It is now +a Museum. Part of it is given over to what is called the Revolutionary +Museum--more about that later. The Palace has seven hundred rooms. If a +young Czar ever forgot the number of his room, he would be an old Czar +before he found it. The Apartments of Nicholas I, Alexander the II and +Nicholas II are shown as they were as historical memorials, including +all the big rooms of State. + +Then you come to the Apartments of the late Czar and Family. It +almost looks as if they had left it that morning. All their personal +photographs of people we are familiar with in these times, with +personal writing on them, are there--a great many photos taken with +King Edward, and enlargements from what must have been snapshots of +various groups of the family. The whole thing looked like the rooms +in any wealthy man’s home with a family--that is, one that has +always been wealthy. Everything was modern and up-to-date. No big +Gold furniture; all things that you could use in a home today and not +attract any attention. + +They had a Telephone connection, with a little switch thing on it that +they could connect with the Opera and hear everything. + +They had even the Children’s colored Easter eggs, and dozens of +pictures of them on their Ponies and in sleighs. Pictures in all kinds +of little silver and some just ordinary cheap frames. + +In the Czarina’s bedroom the ceiling and the Tapestries are covered +with some sort of blue floral design. Her devoutly religious nature +shows very plainly by the fact that the rooms are full of Icons and +many images of Saints. There were lots of little personal keepsakes +that had been given by friends. In the drawing-room is some Louie +the 14th furniture given them as a wedding present by King Edward. +The Czar’s rooms is just about what you would see in a Gentleman’s +Apartment today only a great many Japanese things--gifts received on a +visit of his to the Far Fast. + +It looked like these folks, when they got away from the pomp and +parade of appearing in public, tried to live like human beings. It was +so simple and modest that I doubt if any Oil millionaire or a Moving +Picture Star would have lived in it without having it redone. + +There is one thing that this Soviet outfit has certainly done, and +that is go in strong for Museums. I think there is some 700 museums in +the various Cities and towns. They are trying to develop Art, and they +have some of the most wonderful art treasures in the world. You see, +they not only have the State but all the private collections of all the +rich nobility that have had it handed down in families for dozens of +generations. + +Now I don’t know just how far that Art thing is going to get them. I am +not so strong on art myself as a commodity. I think most countries have +kinder overestimated the importance of our Artists and underestimated +the importance of people that did something to help provide Corn Bread +and Bacon and cheapen the things we had to have. Athens, Greece, was +mangy with Art. Now they ain’t eating regular. Rome had nothing to +recommend it but art and broken columns till Mussolini come along and +made ’em all throw their paintbrushes in the Tiber and go to work at +something productive. + +So, after looking over Russia, I believe there is a hundred things I +could think of to improve them with besides Art. Russians need meat +right now worse than they do naked Statues. The thing about all these +Museums is, when you have gone through one of them you have gone +through all of them. You take the Hermitage in Leningrad--which, by the +way, is one of the most famous museums in the World; it’s right next to +the Czar’s Palace and had an entrance from the Palace. You take it and +the Louvre and the Metropolitan in New York, and the big ones in Rome +and London--they give the ordinary man just about all the art he can +digest in one lifetime. + +Russia don’t need to develop so many men who can paint or sculpture a +beautiful, well-rounded human body. What they need is somebody that can +provide the wherewith to fill out that well-rounded body. Los Angeles +got the right idea. Instead of having seven hundred Museums, they got +seven thousand filling stations. If you got a big family, art is all +right for one son to indulge in; but you want to have the other 12 to +bring home some revenue and feed him and humor him. It should only +be indulged in by every 13th member of a family, and then only after +unanimous consent and sacrifice of the other 12. + +Now we go into the Red Museum, which is part of the Palace. Oh, +Baby, talk about a Chamber of Horrors! Huber’s Museum and Madam +Tussaud’s waxworks would be children’s nurseries in comparison to this +blood-and-thunder outfit. It was founded in 1921 and everything in it +is connected with revolutions; not only Russian Revolutions but anybody +else that happened to have had a good bloody Revolution and had any +old Guns or Bombs or skulls or anything that would make particular +decorative atmosphere. + +On account of its short life, they make apologies for the small amount +of material. But I couldent see any need too. It looked to me like they +had done pretty well, and the only way they could get any more horrors +in there would be to get some more people killed. So I think in the +Revolutionary Museum line they can well report Progress. They can just +load up the old Bombs they got there now and blow up half of Europe. + +As you enter, there will be a wax-size figure of an old boy with a Bomb +drawn back just ready to shy it at a Czar out on a Balcony. Then there +are big loud-colored paintings all over the walls that look like Movie +Lithographs, showing Cossacks charging Women and Children and cutting +them down. There are dozens of photographs and oil paintings of any Red +that ever got his man; court-room trials; every Pistol or saber that +ever dropped a Czar or a Capitalist in his tracks. One sees all the +episodes of the Dekabrists’ trial. They were the ones to originate +the idea of not letting the Czars sleep too well. It contains all the +scenery and props in connection with the murder of Alexander II. Rows +of special show cases contain bombs to fit any hand. + +Rooms were made up to represent cells where revolutionists have been +confined; room after room of somebody either being killed or somebody +getting ready to kill somebody else. One room is devoted to Lenin, +called Lenin’s Corner, where all kinds of material in his private and +political life is exhibited. + +Now we went through there on a Sunday morning, and we couldent hardly +wedge our way through. The man with us was an Englishman, but spoke +good Russian, and he described to us what was going on. It was Teachers +taking young children through and stopping and lecturing to them: “Here +is Kzolxsvlozxusz. He had the best record of any of the late bomb +heavers. It’s through him you are enjoying this wonderful liberty that +you are having today.” + +Of all the Museums, this Revolutionary one was the one that they were +centering the attention of the smaller ones on. You did not see nearly +as many looking at the beautiful paintings by the old masters as you +did looking at the old guns that had their notches in the handles. + +It seems the whole idea of Communism, or whatever they want to call +it, is based on propaganda and blood. Their whole life and thought is +to convince somebody else. It looks to me like if a thing is so good +and is working so fine for you, you would kind of want to keep it to +yourself. I would be afraid to let anybody in on it, and that generally +seems to be about the usual brand of human nature everywhere. But the +Communist has so many good things he just wants you to join in and help +him use some of them. + +They start at the cradle with them in Russia. They have a great many +schools in Russia, which seem intended not so much to eliminate +illiteracy as they are to teach propaganda. Political propaganda starts +with their A B C’s. Their statistics prove that they are now operating +many more schools than in prewar days. There is no such thing as a +private school allowed in Russia. They have agricultural schools for +the peasant children in some places. They have craft schools which +give professional education in different branches to over one hundred +thousand people annually. There are 24 universities. The number of High +School students is given as 160,000. + +[Illustration: They start at the cradle with them in Russia.] + +They are trying to foster art and culture, but all of it is of the +Revolutionary type. If it is a painting, the main character has one +foot on a capitalist’s neck and is punching another capitalist in +the jaw. But the main thing that dominates this whole thing is to +spread propaganda. Talk about some of our states guarding what their +school-books contain--these children never get a chance to read +anything only about how terrible everything is but Communism. + +You can’t go to a bookstore and buy any book you want. Every book that +is sold in Russia has to be O. K.’d by the Soviet party. You can’t buy +outside newspapers, and every paper printed in Russia is under the +supervision of the government. So you have got to learn their angle +or you don’t learn anything--there is nothing else for you to form an +opinion about. + +They have quite a few community playgrounds and there is bunches of +them out there practicing all kinds of games. But they don’t allow +competition between different teams in Athaletic events. They don’t +have big intersectional games between different clubs or schools; they +claim that is against true communism; that if you defeat your fellow +man it might make him think he was not as good as you, and they don’t +want to leave that impression. If that was the way we looked at it over +home, imagine how poor Harvard would feel. They would be so low down +socially that they would be practically vacant. + + + + + VII + + +Now while I am on this Athaletic stuff I better kinder call you over +to one side and tip you off to a little bit of the life that is really +very interesting, in fact kinder exciting, and to an outsider makes +life worth while in Moscow. The river runs right through the town and, +contrary to the general notion and looks of some of them, why, they do +bathe--that is, some of them do; and when I say they bathe, I mean they +bathe together. They don’t let race, creed or sex interfere with them. +And what I mean--they bathe right. They just wade in what you would +call the Nude, or altogether. No one-piece bathing suits to hamper +their movements. + +If there is a bathing suit in Russia, somebody is using it for an +overcoat. Why, there is only two pair of trunks in Russia, and they +were being mended the weeks I was there. Well, when I saw that I +just sit right down and cabled my old friend Mr. Ziegfeld: “Don’t bring +Follies to Russia. You would starve to death here.” But you know the +way they do it there--don’t seem to be so much what we used to years +ago call--what was that word? Oh, yes, “Immoral.” Well, they just walk +down there on the bank of the river and everybody skins off their +clothes. They don’t have much. Underwear is about as scattering there +as bathing suits. + +[Illustration: If there is a bathing suit in Russia, somebody is using +it for an overcoat.] + +Now if it hadent been for this bathing existing I would have got out +and seen a lot more places in Russia than I did. But I want to state +positively that while I did not get to see all of Russia, I got to see +all of some Russians. + +We must hide ourselves away and see what else we can learn from the +Muscovite Empire that America may profit by besides Negligee Bathing. +Oh, yes, Aeroplanes! It just seems like I can’t write without drawing +attention to the amount of flying that is being done in Europe. Now take +Russia. Here is Russia, so poor that they don’t even know where their +next Revolution is coming from, and get this--what just one Society did +to help their country out in the way of Aviation; a thing that they +know is absolutely necessary. They enlisted two million members and +got in contributions seven Million Rubles--that, in sensible money, is +$3,000,000--organized 20 air clubs, set up over a thousand aeronautical +Libraries and distributed millions of pamphlets of propaganda all +on flying, opened up landing fields, bought 130 fighting planes and +presented the government with seven equipped Air squadrons. Now this +was all in addition to establishing Civil and Commercial routes. + +This was not the Government. It was just one Society; and there is two +others almost as big that have accomplished as much. And here is New +York City, the second biggest city in the world, that hasent even got a +place to land. You have to go halfway to Montauk Point and then drive +back two hours in an Auto to get to New York after you get out of a +Plane. And here is the humor of it--you can make a landing field on +half the ground it takes to make a Golf course on. + +So just look what those poor Russians are doing, and they are so poor +they havent got a Golf Course to their back. That, by the way, is one +thing that makes me sometimes think they will eventually pull through. +Mind you, all these Commercial Air lines in Russia and all over Europe +are subsidized by their Governments. Of course, at home the minute we +holler for a subsidy for ships to keep our Flag on the ocean, why, up +jumps some cocklebur Congressman and objects: “Where do you come in +to give some Airplane Co. help, or some Steamship line? You don’t do +a thing for the Cafeteria Owners, and they are just as good Americans +as anybody ever broke a tray of dishes for. What about the Farmer? Why +don’t you give him a subsidy? No, sir-ree, I am agin helping anybody +till you help my constituents.” + +The subsidy to give most of our people is to take their spedomoter away +from them and give them an Alarm Clock. If America don’t look out they +will be caught in the next war with nothing but a Niblick and a Putter. +Putting is all right, but it keeps you too close to the ground to be of +much use in the real war of the future. + +And if you think there ain’t going to be no Next War you better see +some of these Nations drilling and preparing, and they are not the +people that will go to work and learn a trade that they are not going +to work at. The next war you don’t want to Look Out; you want to Look +Up. When you look up and see a cloud during the next war to end wars, +don’t you be starting to admire its silvery lining till you find out +how many Junkers and Fokkers are hiding behind it. + +’Course, these are only tips, and you needent play them unless you want +too; but as that is what I am doing over here, why, I am giving you +this for all it is worth. I am like the old Rooster when he brought +out the Ostrich egg and showed it to all the hens and said, “I am not +criticizing, but I just want you to know what others are doing.” Now +that’s an old Gag, but it has to be an old Gag to get over with you +fellows. In talking and writing to Politicians you have to be like a +Country preacher. You have to illustrate everything you want to drive +home with a simple story that all of them can understand. So I just +want you-all to know what even Russia is doing. Everybody is using +their air for something besides speeches but us. + +Now while we are on wars, you might like to know about Russia’s Army. +They are without a doubt the seediest-looking layout I ever saw in my +life. They look about like a Chamber of Commerce in Evening clothes +lined up to meet Queen Marie. Their uniforms are made out of a very +heavy grade of calico. They have what used to be a red stripe down the +leg. Then their pants are stuck in those big old heavy, clumsy boots. +So the pants, I imagine, are really just union suits if the Guy had his +boots off. They are not drafted. They have some kind of an arrangement +by which they make them think it is an honor to belong to the Red +Army. It is composed of men and boys at first that cannot read or +write. They get, so they told me, the most low and ignorant they have; +then they teach them after they get them in. But he is taught along +their lines--they don’t want enybody that has his own ideas. So they +do away with illiteracy. The Soviet Literature says they teach them +culture. + +Well, I wouldent go as far as to claim that if I was them. But +“culture” is their main word over there. Everything is supposed to +improve their culture. Well, if it is improving their culture, why, +culture must have started at a mighty low ebb originally. + +The Red Army is instructed politically, as they figure, I guess, that +in a war, if the worst comes to the worst, why, the Red Army can shoot +a few Proletariat truths at the enemy, lay down a barrage of “Everybody +should divide up equal even if he ain’t got anything.” The present +standing of the Army is admitted to be 600,000. But there is millions +of the workers that are receiving Military training in addition to the +army. + +’Course, you take those ignorant old Boys and give them some real +training and they are going to be kinder hard to clean. War is a relief +to them anyway. + + + + + VIII + + +Now the main question that I know strikes you is, Has Russia changed +much and is it better off? Say, that is the one answer you can go and +bet on. Russia hasent changed one bit. It’s just Russia as it has been +for hundreds of years and will be for the next hundreds of years. A +hundred million people are out in the Country and small Villages, and +are living just the same lives they lived under the Czar, and their +existence wouldent be changed even if the Prohibition, the Populist, +the Farmer-Labor or even the Democrats run Russia. It wouldent be +nothing but Russia. People don’t change under Governments; the +Governments change, but the people remain the same. + +Look at us! What does it matter who is in any four years? You got +to get out and hustle for it or you don’t get it, no matter what +Government is in. And there is a country with over 90 per cent of +their population Peasants, and they have to make a living from the +soil. They work hard, don’t have much; some years a little more than +others; have to pay their taxes or their rent money as in the old days. +Now the taxes are just as much as the rent share was in the old days +with the landlords. So what difference does it make to them what kind +of Government it is? In fact, they claim that they are not as well off +now, because in these times they can’t buy the things they want, like +they used to be able to do, as they are not to be had. + +This eighty or ninety million are no more Communists than you are; they +don’t know what it’s all about. The country is run by the Communist +Party, which has less than 600,000, and they rule this 130,000,000. +They are allowed to elect men to send to the various councils of the +Soviet. But get this--you see, the Communist strength is among the +Industrial workers in the Cities; but they give him a Representative in +the Government for what we will say is one for every 100 voters. But +the Farmers or Peasants get only one for every 1,000 voters. That’s +not the exact Representation, but it is the correct proportion. + +So where does your equality come in? They do that to sorter help +overbalance the great majority of the Peasant vote. Russia under the +Czar was very little different from what it is today; for instead of +one Czar, why, there is at least a thousand now. Any of the big men in +the Party holds practically Czaristic powers. Siberia is still working. +It’s just as cold on you to be sent there under the Soviets as it was +under the Czar. The only way you can tell a Member of the Party from +an ordinary Russian is the Soviet man will be in a car. They are all +supposed to only receive $112 a month, which is supposed to be the +salary of all Communists that do work for the Government. Well, some of +them must be pretty good managers to get along as well as they do on +that. + +There is as much class distinction in Russia today as there is in +Charleston, South Carolina. Why, I went to the races there, and the +grand stand had all the men of the Party, and over in the center field +stood the mob in the sun. Well, there was Bourgeois and Proletariat +distinction for you. + +Here is the queer thing to an outsider: They had the Revolution to run +out the rich, and now the only one that can get in there is either some +rich man or some of his Representatives that say they want to invest +there. + +They are very strict about who they let in, and yet any rich fellow +they would meet at the line and escort them in. You see, it dident take +them long to learn that somebody has got to pay the wages or they won’t +have anything to divide up. + +You see, that is where Mussolini has outsmarted the Bolsheviks. They +have spent all the money they could rake and scrape on Propaganda in +other Countries, and here they were in Russia with the biggest and +richest Country in the World to work with. They should have spent every +cent of all this on just working and improving Russia, and getting it +so it looked like something. That was what Mussolini had done. All his +Propaganda has not cost him a nickel. He kept every nickel in Italy +and put everybody to work, and now you go in and see it, and he don’t +have to spread any propaganda for your sake. He says look at it and see +how things are. That’s his advertisement. And just think, he is in a +poor Country, where they have few natural resources. You turn that Wop +loose in Russia for a few years, with all their vast unearthed wealth, +and he would really pull a Napoleon on the World. + +Now his plan is what the Communists should have done. They have always +wanted Communism. Now they have it, and they have it in the finest +Country there is; so if they don’t make a go of it, their plan must be +wrong, and they will have nobody to blame but themselves. They have +certainly had opportunity knocking at their door. What should they care +about what Communism is doing in Chicago or London? Fix up Moscow and +show the world what can be done under Communism and then let people +come there and see, and they will get all the converts they need and +never spend a dime on Propaganda. Instead of hiring a man to spread +propaganda, hire him to spread some paint and soap and water around. +Turn some of those museums into Bathhouses. Never mind showing us what +Ivanof and Serof did. Show us what Annette Kellermann did. Never mind +bearing down so much on culture; bear down on Industry. + +You see, here is what makes it look kinder bad--these fellows took over +a Country that was already a going concern; that dident have a cent of +debt--that is, they repudiated all Russia’s debts, as they claimed they +had nothing to do with the contracting of them. Now the biggest expense +of any country is its interest on its national debt. They confiscated +everything, paid nobody for anything, have everything that the entire +Country possessed. They claimed they dident want any salary for doing +it, so that should have eliminated another big expense. They were +supposed to be working for just the love of saving their fellow man. + +Now if you can’t take one that’s handed to you like that, what chance +have you got with it when there is nothing more to cop from anyone, +and paying interest on a big indebtedness? You see, they confiscated +Trains, Factories, Public Buildings and everything. Now those are +wearing out and have to be repaired and rebuilt. What are they going +to do? Nobody has anything else free for ’em. So, just offhand to an +unobserving bonehead, it don’t look like they have manipulated their +affairs any too good. + +These other so-called Capitalistic Nations after the war have kept up +repairs and debts, and still look better off than Russia. Russia hasent +paid it out in big salaries. Nobody has ever received in the way of +working wages more than a mere living. But they changed their scheme +around a dozen times since they been in, and they are liable to change +it a dozen more, because none of them ain’t what you would exactly call +a-hitting just right. They have been messing with Russia for nearly +nine years. It’s a good thing that the 90,000,000 are not organized or +there would be a change there overnight. + +Communism will never get anywhere till they get that basic idea of +Propaganda out of their head and replace it with some work. If they +plowed as much as they Propagandered they would be richer than the +Principality of Monaco. The trouble is they all got their theory’s out +of a book instead of any of them ever going to work and practicing +them. I read the same books these Birds learned from, and that’s the +books of that guy Marx. Why, he was like one of these efficiency +experts. He could explain to you how you could save a million dollars +and he couldent save enough himself to eat on. + +I read his life history. He never did a tap of work only write +Propaganda, according to his own history. He couldent even make his own +writings pay, much less his theories. He wrote for the dissatisfied, +and the dissatisfied is the fellow who don’t want to do any manual +labor. He always wants to figure out where he and his friends can get +something for nothing. They even suggest somebody dividing with them. +You could take those 600,000 Communists over in Russia and take 600,000 +rich Americans and you could put them all together and make the +Americans divide up with them equally, and in six months the 600,000 +Communists wouldent have a thing left but some long hair and a scheme +to try to get back the half that the Americans was smart enough to take +from them. While the Russians would be practicing their book theories, +the Americans would be practicing just the ones that they know would +work. If you have never been smart enough to make it yourself, you +wouldent be smart enough to hang onto it after you got it. + +I hate to keep dragging Mussolini in this, but it was his being in +the Communist Party for all those years that he found out just which +ones of their Theories were wrong. Communists have some good ideas, +of course; but they got a lot that sound better than they work. So +Mussolini has just used the good ones in Italy and thrown out all the +others and replaced them with his own. So he really has Communism +to thank for his success in learning what not to do. If this Stalin +turns out to be a kind of a Mussolini, why, they may pull out; but +somebody has got to handle that troop with a knout. They say Russia is +supposed, by their law, to be run by everybody. Well, it looks it. + +You know a Communist’s whole Life work is based on complaint of how +everything is being done. Well, when they are running everything +themselves, why, that takes away their chief industry. They have +nobody to blame it on. Even if he is satisfied with it, why, he is +miserable because he has nothing to complain about. Same way with +strikes and Revolutions. They would just rather stir up a strike +somewhere than eat. So, naturally, in Russia with themselves, they feel +rather restrained, for they are totally unable to indulge in their old +favorite sport of going on strike and jumping up on a box and inviting +all the boys out with them. You know, that is their whole life, and +that is why I don’t believe they will ever be satisfied to run their +own country, especially if everything runs smooth. You make one +satisfied and he is no longer a Communist. So if they ever get their +country running good they will defeat their own cause. + +Now, mind you, I may be wrong about these people, for you can never +tell about a Russian. They all may be just having the best time in the +World over there and enjoying it all fine. You know, that is one thing +about the Russian--he thrives on adversity. He is never as happy in his +life as when he is miserable. So he may just be setting pretty, for he +is certainly miserable. It may be just the land for a Comrade to want +to hibernate in. + +Some days in there it would really look to me like they were trying to +do something, and were going to get somewhere; and the next day you +would see stuff that would make you think, “What has all these millions +of innocent, peace-loving people done that through no fault of their +own they should be thrown into a mess like this, with no immediate +prospects of relief?” So I am going to be honest with you--I don’t know +whether to kiss ’em or kill ’em. + +But now we are going to get down to the real thing as to whether they +can really last or not, and that is religion. The Russians, I guess +from what little I have read, were about the most whole-hearted +religious people anywhere. They are at heart just big, simple, +kind-hearted, God-fearing people. Practically all of them were devout +members of the Russian Orthodox Church. Some of the most wonderful +Churches in the World are in Russia. Now here is something that +everybody don’t know--that the basic foundation of the Communist Party +is to be a nonbeliever--in other words, they are all Atheists. + +You can’t belong to the Party and belong to any Church, no matter what +Church. All the Jewish members of the Party have to be nonbelievers. +Before you can get into the Party, it takes a couple of years or more, +and this Atheist test is the one that is hardest. They try to lead +these Russians to believe that all their troubles all these years have +been directly traceable to their religion; that if they throw over +their devout religion everything will be all right. They point out that +the Czar and all those that oppressed them were members of that Church, +and that if a God existed, why hadent He done something to help them? + +Now nobody is making any Alibi for the Czar or any of his old Gang, for +from what I could learn in Russia from everybody I talked with, not +only the Bolsheviks but others on the other side, who had been in there +for years, the Czar was pretty small Potatoes. He wasent intentionally +bad, but he was just weak. They all seemed to think the Czarina had +quite a bit of backbone, and if he had had her nerve Russia might have +had a different story today. ’Course, you have to admit that fanatical +religion driven to a certain point is almost as bad as none at all, but +not quite. + +Now they will tell you that the worship of Leninism is their religion. +Lenin preached Revolution, Blood and Murder in everything I ever read +of his. Now they may dig ’em up a religion out of that, but it’s too +soon after his death really to tell just how great he was. History has +to ramble along a good many years after a man puts some policies into +effect till you can tell just how they turned out. + +Why, some fellow may come along in Russia at any time with a whole new +set of plans that beat Lenin’s all to pieces, and he would be the Big +Man. So where would all your Lenin worship be then? You know, there is +a lot of big men die, but most of them are not so big that they won’t +all be buried. Now Lenin may come through right on through the ages, +but at the present time they are kinder forcing him on the people. +The Government has erected more Statues and Busts to Lenin than there +is flivvers in America. Everywhere you go--every room in every public +building has a bust of Lenin. They make the children speak of him as +Uncle Lenin. Now it’s always best to let the people pick out their own +Hero. Don’t try to force one on them; it’s liable to have the opposite +effect sometimes. + +Mind you, you can’t condemn everybody just because they started a +Revolution. We grabbed what little batch of liberty we used to have +through a revolution, and lots of other Nations have revolutions to +thank today. But I don’t think anyone that just made a business of +proposing them for a steady diet would be the one to pray to and try +and live like. + +We all know a lot of things that would be good for our Country, but we +wouldent want to go so far as propose that everybody start shooting +each other till we got them. A fellow shouldent have to kill anybody +just to prove they are right. + +I can’t understand by what reckoning they think everybody connected +with running the Country should be a nonbeliever. Just what quality +does that add to Government? I don’t care what you believe in, but +you certainly got a right to that belief, and you shouldent have to +give it up to take part in the Government of your Native Land. If the +Bolsheviks say that religion was holding the people back from progress, +why, let it hold them back. Progress ain’t selling that high. If it is, +it ain’t worth it. Do anything in this world but monkey with somebody +else’s religion. What reasoning of conceit makes anyone think theirs +is right? These present religions are liable to knock on the door up +above and find that there is not a Soul been admitted that ever saw an +Automobile or a train. You may be told: + +“Oh, no; you so-called educated people thought you knew so much, and +lived so much better down there, and tried to make all others believe +in yours instead of their own religion. They were the ones that were +right. Yet they dident try to impose theirs on you. I am sorry. Good +day.” + +It’s better to let people die ignorant and poor, believing in what +they have always believed in, than to die prosperous and smart, half +believing in something new and doubtful. + +There never was a nation founded and maintained without some kind of +belief in something. Nobody knows what the outcome in Russia will be +or how long this Government will last. But if they do get by for quite +a while on everything else, they picked the only one thing I know of +to suppress that is absolutely necessary to run a Country on, and that +is Religion. Never mind what kind; but it’s got to be something or you +will fail at the finish. + +P.S. Now I have told you all about Russia, but the best way I can +describe Russia to you is, Russian men wear their shirts hanging +outside their pants. WELL ANY NATION THAT DON’T KNOW ENOUGH TO STICK +THEIR SHIRT TAIL IN WILL NEVER GET ANYWHERE. + + + + + =Transcriber’s Notes= + + Some words appear to be purposely misspelled; these have not been + changed. + + Perceived typographical errors have been silently corrected. + + Illustrations have been moved to appropriate paragraph breaks. + + New original cover art included with this eBook is granted to the + public domain. +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 77828 *** |