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+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 77570 ***
+
+
+
+
+                                 WOMEN
+                                 IN THE
+                                SHADOWS
+
+
+                             BY ANN BANNON
+
+                      An Original Gold Medal Novel
+
+
+                            GOLD MEDAL BOOKS
+              FAWCETT PUBLICATIONS, INC., GREENWICH, CONN.
+            MEMBER OF AMERICAN BOOK PUBLISHERS COUNCIL, INC.
+
+
+   Copyright © 1959 by Fawcett Publications, Inc.
+
+   All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book
+   or portions thereof.
+
+   All characters in this book are fictional and any resemblance to
+   persons living or dead is purely coincidental.
+
+   Printed in the United States of America
+
+
+
+
+                                   1
+
+
+_June 8: God help me. God help me to stand it. Today was our second
+anniversary. If I have to go on living with her I’ll go crazy. But if I
+leave her—? I’m afraid to think what will happen. Sometimes she’s not
+rational. But what can I do? Where can I turn?_
+
+_That damn party was awful. Anniversaries are supposed to be happy
+affairs, but this one was more like a wake. Everybody got drunk and sang
+songs, but there was always that corpse there in the middle of the room
+... the corpse of that romance. Jack got terribly drunk, as usual.
+There’s another one. If he doesn’t crack up it won’t be because he
+hasn’t tried. What’s wrong with us all, anyway? What’s the use of living
+when things are like this all the time?_
+
+Laura shut her diary with a sudden furtive gesture, her pen still
+poised, and strained her ears at a sound. She thought she heard the
+front door open. It would be Beebo coming back. But it was only the
+dachshund, Nix, scratching himself on a stool in the kitchen. Laura
+sighed in relief and turned back to the diary. She ordinarily kept it
+locked in a little steel strongbox on the closet floor, and she wrote in
+it only when she was alone, in the evenings before Beebo got home from
+work.
+
+Beebo had never read it—or seen it, in fact. It was Laura’s own, Laura’s
+aches and pains verbalized, Laura’s heart dissected and wept over, in
+washable blue ink. If Beebo ever saw it she would tear it up in a
+frenzy. She would make Laura swallow it, because it did not say very
+nice things about Beebo. And Beebo always did things in a big way, the
+good along with the bad.
+
+Laura opened the notebook once more and wrote a last brief entry: _Jack
+asked me to marry him again ... but I could never marry a man, not even
+him. Never._
+
+Then she closed it quickly and took it back to the closet and locked it
+in the strongbox. She sat down from sheer inertia on the closet floor
+and picked up a shoe. It was one of her pumps, rather long and
+narrow—too large to be really fashionable. But it had the proper shape
+and the newest styled heel. Beebo liked to see her smartly dressed. She
+cared more about that than Laura did herself. Laura had worn these shoes
+to the unfortunate anniversary party two nights before.
+
+Beebo was still hung-over from that long night of dreary festivity. Jack
+was always hung-over, so he didn’t count. As for Laura, she had learned
+from Beebo to drink too much herself, and she was learning at the same
+time how it feels the next day. _Bad._ Plain bad.
+
+                   *       *       *       *       *
+
+It had been a strange night, with moments of wild hilarity and stretches
+of gloom when everybody drank as if they made their living at it. Laura
+remembered Jack arriving ahead of everybody else with a couple of
+bottles under his arm. “Thought I’d better bring my own,” he explained.
+
+“Jack, you’re not going to drink two fifths all by yourself!” Laura had
+exclaimed. She always took things at face value at first, a little too
+seriously.
+
+“I’m going to try, Mother,” he said, laughing, his eyes behind
+horn-rimmed glasses sparkling cynically at her.
+
+Beebo had been in a sweat of preparation all day, and the apartment
+ended up looking almost new. A fever seemed to have gotten hold of her.
+This had to be a big party, a good party, a loud, drunk, and very gay
+party. Because this party was going to prove that Beebo and Laura had
+lived together for two whole years, and in Greenwich Village that is a
+pretty good record.
+
+Friends were invited, to admire and congratulate. Oh, to get drunk and
+live it up a little too, on Beebo and Laura. But mostly to stand witness
+to the fact that the girls had been together two whole years. Or rather,
+Beebo had hung on to Laura for two whole years.
+
+Maybe that’s a hard way to say it. Maybe it isn’t fair. After all, Laura
+stuck with Beebo, too. But Laura stuck because she didn’t have the
+courage to let go; because her life was empty and without a purpose, and
+living with somebody and loving—or pretending to love—seemed to bring
+some sanity into her world. But for a long time she had begun to squirm
+and struggle under Beebo’s jealous scrutiny.
+
+Laura let Beebo make most of the arrangements for the party. She felt
+almost no enthusiasm for it. The whole thing had been Beebo’s idea in
+the first place. Laura felt almost as outside of it as a late-arriving
+guest. She ran a few errands, but it was Beebo who planned and
+organized, who put up streamers and cleaned the apartment, who called
+everybody, picked up the liquor and the ice cubes, and even made hors
+d’oeuvres.
+
+She treated Laura with unwonted gentleness and attention all day. She
+wanted her in a good mood for the party. They had quarreled so much and
+so bitterly lately that they were both a little sick over it. Beebo
+wanted to have a good day behind them, a day full of good will and even
+tenderness.
+
+There wasn’t much time to foster tenderness, though, with the vacuum
+going, the kitchen upside down with food in various stages of readiness,
+the dog barking, and the phone ringing in an endless hysterical
+serenade. But still, Beebo tried. She touched Laura’s hair softly when
+she passed her or brushed her hands over Laura’s face. And once she
+stopped to kiss her, so carefully that Laura was touched in spite of
+herself and submitted, though without returning the kiss. Beebo went
+away flushed with success. Laura had not suffered herself to be kissed
+for nearly a week.
+
+So when the guests finally started arriving, Beebo greeted them with
+high color in her cheeks and almost too much heartiness. Everything had
+started out so well, it had to end well.
+
+It was a weird group that assembled to fete the anniversary. Beebo had
+wanted a big party. “Jesus, honey,” she complained. “How many people
+down here stick it out this long? We have something to be proud of, for
+God’s sake. Let’s advertise it.”
+
+“What have we got to be proud of?” Laura said sarcastically. “We’re just
+a couple of suckers for punishment. We just happen to enjoy beating each
+other’s heads in.”
+
+Beebo had risen to the occasion with her quick and awful temper and left
+Laura crying. And she had had her way. They invited just about everybody
+in the neighborhood: the ones they knew, the ones they knew by sight
+only, and the ones they didn’t know at all, male and female. Beebo did
+all the calling, so it came as a shock to Laura to see two of Beebo’s
+old flames among the guests. But she said nothing about it. There would
+be time to shout about it afterwards. And shout they no doubt would.
+
+Jack came early because he liked the chance to talk to Laura by himself
+now and then. He liked to be with her lately since his own life had
+taken a sickening dip into loneliness and frustration. They were old
+friends; sometimes they thought of one another as each other’s _only_
+friend. They were very close. It could never be a question of physical
+love between them; only deep affection, a mutual problem, a sort of
+harmony that sprang from sympathy and long acquaintance.
+
+They were both homosexual. And if Laura could never understand why a man
+would desire another man, she at least knew, very well, how it was to
+love another woman. And so she could build a bridge of empathy on that
+knowledge and comfort Jack when some lovely boy was giving him hell. And
+he could do the same when Beebo raked her over the coals.
+
+The party went along well enough for the first hour or so. Every time
+Beebo came near Laura she pinched her or bussed her. It was a part of
+her advertising campaign—a way to say, “She’s still mine. And it’s been
+two years. Hands off, the rest of you!” And she would look around at the
+guests a little defiantly.
+
+But for Laura it was tedious. It scared her and bored her all at once.
+The fierce passion for Beebo that had boiled when they first knew each
+other flared up rarely now. And when there was no love there was nothing
+but fighting between them. She hated to be put on exhibit like this. And
+yet she kept her peace and let Beebo kiss her when she felt like it.
+After all, it was a party. Have a good time. If you can. Forget. If you
+can. Everybody drink up and laugh. Laugh, damn you all! If you can.
+
+It was when Lili (she _would_ spell it that way; she was born plain
+Louise) was well plastered that the party took a downward curve from
+which it never recovered. Lili was a former amour of Beebo’s; Lili of
+the ash blonde hair and carefully blackened lashes; Lili of the lush,
+silk-draped body; Lili with the lack of inhibitions. Laura hated her
+with a good healthy female jealousy. It had been intolerable at first
+when she was still in love with Beebo and Lili had tried to manage their
+lives for them. Now it was just an exasperation to Laura to have her
+around.
+
+Lili got high in a hurry. She believed in getting things done
+efficiently, and getting drunk was one of the things. She began to
+saunter from group to group around the small apartment, flirting,
+feeding sips from her martini to interested parties, telling tales. She
+came upon Beebo in the kitchen, getting more sandwiches from the
+refrigerator. The kitchen was crowded with people waving empty glasses
+and looking for refills. Jack was pouring them as fast as he could and
+sampling them all.
+
+“Important to get it just right,” he said. “Takes a good concentration
+of alcohol or you don’t get fried till three in the morning. Terrible
+waste of time.”
+
+Lili wriggled through the crowd to Beebo and stood in front of her,
+weaving slightly, her underlip thrust out.
+
+“I want something from you,” she pouted. Beebo offered her a sandwich,
+but she shook her head murmuring, “No, no, no, no, _no_!”
+
+“Jack’s handling the concession,” Beebo said a little nervously, jerking
+her head toward him.
+
+“I don’t want liquor,” Lili said. “I want you. How come you never come
+to see me anymore, Beebo? You’re enough to drive a girl frantic.”
+
+It was typical cocktail party drivel and Beebo was impatient with her.
+“You know why, Lili,” she said. “Now scram.”
+
+But Lili was pugnacious. “If it’s because of that bitchy little Laura
+out there, everybody knows you’re all washed up. It’s been obvious for
+weeks. You do nothing but fight. In fact, I was saying to Irene just
+five minutes ago that I can’t imagine why you wanted to give this party
+in the first place and—” She stopped. Beebo’s face had gone pale and
+dangerous.
+
+“You say that once more and I’ll kick you out of here on your fat can,”
+Beebo snapped.
+
+Lili drew herself up. “Okay, lie to yourself, I don’t give a damn,” she
+said. “Only it’s perfectly clear—”
+
+“Damn you, Lili, don’t you understand English?” She said it loud enough
+to make heads turn.
+
+Lili smiled. She generally performed better with an audience. “I
+understand,” she cooed. “I understand you prefer a button-breasted
+bad-tempered little prude to a real woman.”
+
+Beebo took her roughly by the arms and pushed her out of the kitchen to
+the front door, causing a stir of curiosity in her wake. “Now get out of
+here and stay out!” she said.
+
+“You never _could_ handle me right,” Lili smiled. Suddenly she took hold
+of her dress at the neckline and pulled it—soft, unresisting knit—down
+far enough to disclose that she wore nothing underneath. Two creamy,
+full breasts were bared. “All right, you fool—suffer!” Lili cried
+dramatically and burst out laughing. Beebo stared and then slammed the
+door.
+
+There was some confusion among the guests. It was funny. And yet there
+was Laura, watching the whole thing. Everybody was uncomfortable. There
+was uncertain laughter. Jack, who took it all in from the kitchen door,
+said simply, “Don’t worry about it, it’s nothing new. She did it to
+Kitty Jackson last week.”
+
+After that there was obvious tension between Laura and Beebo. Beebo
+didn’t kiss her anymore and Laura had nothing to say to Beebo. She eyed
+her coolly from across the room, and moved away if Beebo drew near. The
+guests absorbed the mood.
+
+Jack took it with quiet cynicism, the way he took most things. He saw
+and he understood but he said very little. It was not his affair. No
+matter that he had brought Beebo and Laura together once, a couple of
+years ago. He hadn’t forced them to fall in love. That was their idea
+and he took no credit. And no blame.
+
+Laura came suddenly into the kitchen where he was lounging by the liquor
+bottles, waiting for customers and watching the company through the
+door.
+
+“She’s impossible!” Laura cried. “God, I can’t stand it any more!” She
+covered her face with her hands, and her usually ivory skin crimsoned
+under her own harsh fingers.
+
+“Take it easy, Mother,” he said mildly, crossing his arms over his
+chest. “She may be impossible, but she loves you.”
+
+“That doesn’t excuse the way she’s acting—”
+
+“She loves you a hell of a lot, Laura. She wouldn’t hang on to you like
+this if she didn’t.”
+
+“I don’t want to be hung on to. I hate it! Jack, help me get out of
+here.”
+
+“I can’t, honey, it’s your mess. I wish to God I could. If I were young
+and female I’d lure her away from you. But I’m middle-aged and male. And
+short on allure.”
+
+Laura took advantage of the momentary seclusion of the kitchen to speak
+confidentially. She went to Jack and stood beside him, facing the sink,
+while he watched the door for intruders.
+
+“She’s in there showing off with that damn dog again,” Laura said.
+
+“Nix is a nice dog.”
+
+“Jack, we can’t go to bed without that animal.” She turned away to blow
+her nose. “Sure, he’s a nice dog. But he eats more than I do, and he
+isn’t housebroken when he’s excited—which is right now. I swear Beebo
+loves that dog more than she loves me.” Nix gave a volley of excited
+barks from the living room and they heard Beebo’s throaty laugh. “Do it
+again,” she was saying. “Come on, Nix, do it again.”
+
+“He will, too.” Laura sighed. “He’ll do anything she tells him to. And
+wet the rug like a happy idiot. Do you know what that rug cost me?
+Seventy-seven bucks. And I paid for it myself. Beebo didn’t even have a
+rug in this place before I moved in.”
+
+“Okay,” Jack said slowly. “The dog isn’t housebroken and Beebo’s old
+mistresses are a pain in the neck. Still, she loves you, Mother. So much
+that it astonishes me. I never thought I’d see that girl fall for
+anybody. Maybe you don’t want her love, but you have to respect it. Real
+love isn’t cheap, Laura. When you give it up once you sometimes never
+find it again.”
+
+“If it has to be like this, I don’t ever _want_ it again.”
+
+Jack finished his drink quickly, put it down on the kitchen counter, and
+turned Laura around to face him. He was the same height as she was but
+Laura looked up to him with her mind and heart.
+
+“Mother,” he said gently. “Don’t ever say that. Don’t ever throw love
+away. If it gets so you can’t stand it, move out. But don’t degrade it
+and don’t disdain it. You can’t stop her from loving you, Laura.”
+
+“I wish I still loved her. That’s an odd way to feel but it would solve
+everything.”
+
+“You do love her, in a way. Only she exasperates you.”
+
+“No. It’s all over, Jack. The only problem is how to get out without
+hurting her too much.”
+
+“No, the problem is to realize what your own feelings are and then have
+the courage to live with them.”
+
+“What you’re trying to say is, you don’t believe me. You think I still
+love her.”
+
+“Yes,” he said.
+
+“Why?”
+
+“It’s true.”
+
+“It’s not!” she cried, grasping his arms, and then she heard Beebo laugh
+again and looked up to see her standing in the other room against the
+far wall. She was strikingly handsome and for a moment Laura felt the
+old feeling for her, but the love left almost as fast as it had come.
+
+Beebo was a big girl, big-boned and good looking, like a boy in early
+adolescence. Her black hair was short and wavy and her eyes were an
+off-blue, wide, well spaced. She had come to New York from a small town
+near Milwaukee before she was twenty, and she had had a sort of
+heartiness then, a rosy-cheeked health that had faded too fast in the
+hot-house atmosphere of Greenwich Village. She took odd jobs where she
+could; anything that would let her wear pants. And she ended up running
+an elevator and wearing a blue uniform with gold trim. She had been
+there for over ten years.
+
+The manager took her for “one of those queers, but perfectly harmless.”
+But he meant a _male_ homosexual, to Beebo’s endless hilarity. She was
+fond of remarking, “I’m the world’s oldest adolescent. I’m a
+professional teen-ager.” It was funny enough the first time, but Laura
+was sick of it.
+
+Now she stood in the living room of their small apartment playing with
+Nix, and her merriment brought color to her cheeks. She had begun to
+wear clothes that made her look sportier and healthier than she was:
+men’s jackets and slacks, men’s shirts. And even, to Laura’s dismay, a
+sort of riding habit, with modified jodhpurs, a slightly fitted coat,
+and boots. She had a pair of high black boots in butter-smooth leather
+with little ankle straps, boots made to fit the finely shaped feet that
+she was proud of. It made her one of the sights of the village.
+
+“You look like a freak!” Laura had exploded when Beebo first tried them
+on, and succeeded in offending Beebo royally. But the older girl stuck
+stubbornly to her outfit.
+
+“I’m no man. Okay. But I’m sure as hell no woman, either. I don’t look
+good in anything. At least these things fit me,” she defended herself.
+
+“Your underwear fits you, too, darling,” Laura said acidly. “Why don’t
+you parade around in that if you want to cause a sensation?” But though
+she needled her, Laura couldn’t make her change.
+
+Now Beebo stood in the living room, visible to Laura through the kitchen
+door, dressed in the riding clothes. She did not look mannish like some
+Lesbians. She simply looked like a boy. But she was thirty-three years
+old, and there were very faint lines around her eyes and mouth.
+
+Laura’s little flash of desire faded almost before it bloomed. And when
+she found that Nix had wet the floor, that Beebo had kissed Frankie
+Koehne and Jean Bettman, and that the police had appeared saying they
+had two complaints and the party would have to simmer down, Laura gave
+up.
+
+She stormed into the bathroom and locked the door—the one lockable door
+in the apartment. The guests took the hint and filed out, leaving the
+apartment a quiet shambles.
+
+When Laura came out, only Jack and Beebo were still there. They were
+sitting in the kitchen where they had collected most of the glasses, and
+were finishing up whatever liquor was left in them.
+
+Beebo looked up when Laura came in. She was quite drunk and through the
+mists she saw Laura, with her long blond hair and pale face, as a sort
+of lovely vision. “Hi, sweetie,” she murmured. “You sure got rid of the
+company in a hurry.” She grinned.
+
+Laura glanced disapprovingly at the used glasses Beebo was drinking
+from. “You’ll get trench mouth,” she predicted.
+
+“Will you make love to me when I’ve got trench mouth?”
+
+“NO!”
+
+Beebo laughed. “You won’t anyway, so it doesn’t matter,” she said dryly.
+“Come sit on my lap.”
+
+Laura leaned against the kitchen counter near Jack. “No,” she said.
+
+“Be nice to me, baby.”
+
+“Nix is nice to you. You don’t need me. Nix ruins the rug for you. He
+barks loud enough to wake the dead. He even sleeps with you.”
+
+But Beebo felt too much desire for her to be jockeyed so fast into an
+argument. “Please, baby,” she said softly. “I love you so.”
+
+And Jack, watching her, felt a pang of sympathy and regret go through
+him. She sounded too much as he sounded himself a couple of months ago.
+And Terry had left him anyway and wrecked his life. It was all so sad
+and wrong; unbearable when you’re mismated and desperately in love.
+
+“Go to her, Mother,” he said suddenly. “She needs you.”
+
+Laura was miffed at his interference. But she knew what was bothering
+him, and to soften it for him, she went. Once she was on Beebo’s lap,
+everything seemed to relax a little. Beebo held her, leaning back
+against the wall and pulling Laura’s head down on her shoulder, and Jack
+watched them enviously. He knew, as Laura knew, and even Beebo must have
+known in her secret heart, that the affair was doomed, that the party
+had celebrated an ending, not a new beginning. And yet for a moment
+things were serene. Beebo held Laura and whispered to her and stroked
+her hair, and Jack listened to it as if it were a lullaby, a lullaby he
+had heard somewhere before and had sung once himself. But it was a
+mournful lullaby and it turned into the blues—a dirge for love gone
+wrong.
+
+Beebo nuzzled Laura and Laura lay quietly in her arms and endured it.
+She relaxed, and that made it better. She didn’t want Beebo to excite
+her; she didn’t want to give her that satisfaction. So she shifted
+suddenly and asked Jack, “Do you think they had a good time?”
+
+“Lili did. She loves to promote her bosom,” he said.
+
+“Laura, baby.” Beebo turned Laura’s face to hers and tickled her cheeks
+with the tip of her tongue. “You taste so sweet,” she whispered. “I want
+to lick you all over like a new puppy.”
+
+Laura couldn’t stand it. The once-welcome intimacy sickened her now that
+she no longer loved Beebo. She got up abruptly and walked over to the
+stove. “Anybody want some coffee?” she said.
+
+“You and your goddam coffee,” Beebo said irritably.
+
+“You could use a little,” Laura said, “both of you.”
+
+“I’d be delighted,” Jack said, speaking with deliberate care as he
+always did when he was drunk.
+
+Laura made the instant coffee and passed the cups around. Jack doctored
+his with a double shot of scotch and took a cautious first sip.
+“Delicious,” he said, looking up to find a storm brewing. Beebo was
+glowering at Laura.
+
+“I said I didn’t want coffee,” she said. “Nobody around here understands
+English tonight.”
+
+“If you’re referring to Lili, I don’t like to be classed with your old
+whores,” Laura said.
+
+“Why not? You’re in good company, baby. You don’t think you’re any
+better than they are, do you?”
+
+“You should have told me you asked Lili! You should have _told_ me,
+Beebo! And Frankie, too. God, don’t you think I have feelings?”
+
+“Good.” Beebo grinned. “I didn’t think you could get jealous any more.”
+
+“Oh, grow up, Beebo!” Laura cried, exasperated. “I can be humiliated. I
+can be embarrassed and hurt.”
+
+Beebo poured her coffee into an empty highball glass, which cracked from
+the heat with a loud snap. Her eyes looked up slyly at Laura, expecting
+a reprimand, but Laura ignored it, too angry to do anything. Beebo
+laughed and poured herself a watery drink from another glass. “Did I
+hurt you, Laura, baby? Did I really? How did it feel? Tell me how you
+liked it.”
+
+Laura didn’t like the way she laughed. “Does that strike you funny?” she
+said sharply.
+
+Beebo began to chuckle, a low helpless sort of laugh that she couldn’t
+control; the miserable sort of laugh that comes on after too much to
+drink and too little to be happy about. “Yes,” she drawled, still
+laughing. “Everything strikes me funny. Even you. Even you, my lovely,
+solemn, angry, gorgeous Laura. Even me. Even Jackson here. Jack, you
+doll, how come you’re so handsome?”
+
+Jack grinned wryly, twisting his ugly intelligent face. “The Good
+Fairy,” he explained. “The Good Fairy is an old buddy of mine. Gives me
+anything I want. You want to be handsome like me? I’ll talk to him. No
+charge.”
+
+Beebo kept laughing while he talked. She sounded a little hysterical.
+“No, I don’t want to be handsome,” she said. “I just want Laura. Tell
+your damn fairy to talk to Laura. Tell him I need help. Laura won’t let
+me kiss her any more.” She stopped laughing suddenly. “Will you, baby?”
+
+“Beebo, please don’t talk about it. Not now.”
+
+“Not now, not ever. Every time I bring it up, same damn thing. ‘Not now,
+Beebo. Please, Beebo. Not now.’ You’re nothing but a busted record, my
+love. A beautiful busted record. Kiss me, little Bo-peep.” Laura turned
+away, biting her underlip, embarrassed and defiant. “Please kiss me,
+Laura. That better? _Please._” She dragged the word out till it ended in
+a soft growl.
+
+Laura hated Beebo’s begging almost more than her swaggering. “If you
+didn’t get so drunk all the time, you’d be a lot more appealing,” Laura
+said.
+
+Beebo got up and lurched across the room in one giant step and took
+Laura’s arms roughly. She turned her around and forced a kiss on her
+mouth. They were both silent afterwards for a moment, Laura looking
+hot-faced at the floor and Beebo, her eyes shut, holding the love she
+was losing with awful stubbornness. Jack watched them in a confusion of
+pity.
+
+He liked them both, but he loved Laura as well. In his own private way
+he loved her, and if it ever came to a showdown it was Laura he would
+side with.
+
+At last Beebo said softly, “Don’t shut me out, Laura.”
+
+Laura disengaged herself slightly. “If you didn’t drink so much I
+wouldn’t shut you out.”
+
+“If you didn’t shut me out I wouldn’t drink so much!” Beebo shouted,
+suddenly. “I wouldn’t have to.”
+
+“Beebo, you drink because you like to get drunk. You were drunk the
+night I met you and you’ve been more or less drunk ever since. _I_
+didn’t do it to you, you did it to yourself. You like the taste of
+whiskey, that’s all. So don’t give me a sob story about my driving you
+to drink.”
+
+“There you go, getting holy on me again. Who says _you_ don’t like
+whiskey?”
+
+“I have a drink now and then,” Laura flashed at her. “There are so many
+damn whiskey bottles in this apartment I’d have to be blind to avoid
+them.”
+
+Jack laughed. “I’m blind,” he said, “most of the time. But I can always
+find the booze. In fact, the blinder I am the better I find it.” He
+chuckled at his own nonsense and swirled the spiked coffee in his cup.
+
+“Laura, you lie,” Beebo said. “You lie in your teeth. You just like the
+way it tastes, like me.”
+
+Laura had been drinking too much lately. Not as much as Beebo, but still
+too much. She didn’t know exactly why. She blamed it on a multiplicity
+of bad breaks, but never on herself. “If you wouldn’t drag me around to
+the bars all night,” she said. “If you wouldn’t continually ask me to
+drink with you....”
+
+“I _ask_ you, Bo-peep. I don’t twist your arm.” She eyed Laura foggily.
+
+Laura turned to Jack. “Do I drink as much as Beebo?” she demanded. “Am
+_I_ an alcoholic?”
+
+Beebo gave a snort. “Jack,” she mimicked, “am _I_ an alcoholic?”
+
+“Do you have beer for breakfast?” he asked her.
+
+“No.”
+
+“Do you take a bottle to bed?”
+
+“No.”
+
+“Do you get soused for weeks at a time?”
+
+“No.”
+
+“Do you ... have a cocktail now and then?”
+
+“Yes.”
+
+“You’re an alcoholic.”
+
+Beebo threw a wet dishcloth at him.
+
+“I’m going to bed,” Laura announced abruptly.
+
+“What’s the matter, baby, can’t you take it?”
+
+“Enough is too much, that’s all.”
+
+“Enough of what?”
+
+“Of you!”
+
+Beebo turned a cynical face to Jack. “That means I can sleep on the
+couch tonight,” she said. “Too bad. I was just getting used to the bed
+again....” She hiccuped, and smiled sadly. “Don’t you think we make an
+ideal couple, Laura and me?”
+
+“Inspirational,” Jack said. “They should serialize you in all the
+women’s magazines. Give you a free honeymoon in Jersey City.”
+
+“Knowing us as well as you do, Doctor,” Beebo said, and Laura, her teeth
+clenched, stood waiting in the doorway to hear what she was going to
+say, “what would you recommend in our case?”
+
+“Nothing. It’s hopeless. Go home and die, you’ll feel better,” he said.
+
+“Don’t say that.” Suddenly Beebo wasn’t kidding.
+
+“All right. I won’t say it. I retract my statement.”
+
+“Revise it?”
+
+“God, in my condition?” he said doubtfully. “Well ... I’ll try. Let’s
+see.... My friends, the patient is dead of the wrong disease. The
+operation was a success. There is only one remedy.”
+
+“What’s that?” Laura asked him.
+
+“Bury the doctor. Oops, I got that one wrong too. Excuse me, ladies. I
+mean, _marry_ the doctor. Laura, will you marry me?”
+
+“No.” She smiled at him.
+
+“I’m an alcoholic,” he offered, as if that might persuade her.
+
+“You’re damn near as irresistible as I am, Jackson,” Beebo said. She
+said it bitterly, and the tone of her voice turned Laura on her heel and
+sent her out of the room to bed. Beebo went to the open kitchen door and
+leaned unsteadily on it.
+
+“Laura, you’re a bitch!” she called after her. “Laura, baby, I hate you!
+I hate you! Listen to me!” She waited while Laura slammed the door
+behind her and then stood with her head bowed. Finally she looked up and
+whispered, “I love you, baby.”
+
+She turned back to Jack, who had finished the coffee and was now
+drinking out of the whiskey bottle without bothering with a glass. “What
+do you do with a girl like that?” she asked.
+
+Jack shrugged. “Take the lock off the bedroom door.”
+
+“I already did.”
+
+“Didn’t work?”
+
+“Worked swell. She made me sleep on the couch for five days.”
+
+“Why do you put up with it?”
+
+“Why did you? It was your turn not so long ago, friend.”
+
+“Because you’re crazy blind in love.” He looked toward her out of
+unfocused eyes. Jack’s body got very intoxicated when he drank heavily,
+but his mind did not. It was a curious situation and it produced bitter
+wisdom, sometimes witty and more often painful.
+
+Beebo slumped in a chair and put her hands tight over her face. Some
+moments passed in silence before Jack realized she was crying. “I’m a
+fool,” she whispered. “I drink too much, she’s right. I always did. And
+now I’ve got her doing it.”
+
+“Don’t be a martyr, Beebo. It’s unbecoming.”
+
+“I’m no martyr, damn it. I just see how unhappy she is, how she is dying
+to get away from me, and then I see her brighten up when she’s had a
+couple, and I can only think one thing: I’m doing it to her. That’s my
+contribution to Laura’s life. And I love her so. I love her so.” And the
+tears spilled over her cheeks again.
+
+Jack took one last drink and then left the bottle sitting in the sink.
+He said, “I love her too. I wish I could help.”
+
+“You can. Quit proposing to her.”
+
+“You think I should?”
+
+“Never mind what I think. It’s unprintable. I’m just telling you, quit
+proposing to her.”
+
+“She’ll never say yes,” he said mournfully. “So I don’t see that it
+matters.”
+
+“That’s not the point, Jackson. I don’t like it.”
+
+“I’m sorry, I can’t help it.”
+
+“Jack, you don’t want to get married.”
+
+“I know. It’s ridiculous, isn’t it?”
+
+“What would you do if she did say yes?”
+
+“Marry her.”
+
+“Why?”
+
+“I love her.”
+
+“Drivel! You love me. Marry me.”
+
+“I could live with her, but not with you,” he said. “I love her very
+much. I love her terribly.”
+
+“That’s not the reason you want to marry her. You can love her unmarried
+as well as not. So what’s the real reason? Come on.”
+
+If he had not been so drunk he would probably never have said it.
+
+“I want a child,” he admitted suddenly, quietly.
+
+Beebo was too startled to answer him for a moment. Then she began to
+laugh. “You!” she exclaimed. “_You!_ Jack Mann, the homosexual’s
+homosexual. Dandling a fat rosy baby on his knee. Father Jack. Oh, God!”
+And she doubled up in laughter.
+
+Jack stood in front of her, the faintest sad smile on his face. “It
+would be a girl,” he mused. “She’d have long pale hair, like Laura.”
+
+“And horn-rimmed glasses like her old man.”
+
+“And she’d be bright and sweet and loving.”
+
+“With _dames_, anyway.”
+
+“With me.”
+
+“Oh, God! All this and incest, too!” And Beebo’s laughter, cruel and
+helpless, silenced him suddenly. He couldn’t be angry, she meant no
+harm. She was writhing in a net of misery and it eased the pain when she
+could tease. But the lovely child of his dreams went back to hide in the
+secret places of his heart.
+
+After a while Beebo stopped laughing and asked, “Why a girl?”
+
+“Why not?”
+
+“You’re gay. Don’t you want a pretty little boy to play with?”
+
+“I’m afraid of boys. I’d ruin him. I’d be afraid to love him. Every time
+I kissed him or stroked his hair I’d be thinking, ‘I can’t do this any
+more, he’ll take it wrong. He’ll end up as queer as his old man.’”
+
+“That’s not how little boys get queer, doll. Or didn’t your mama tell
+you?”
+
+“She never told me anything.” He smiled at her. “You know, Beebo, I
+think I’m going mad,” he said pleasantly.
+
+“That makes two of us.”
+
+“I’m serious. I’m even bored with liquor. By Jesus, I think I’ll go on
+the wagon.”
+
+“When you go on the wagon, boy, I’ll believe you’re going mad for sure.
+But not before.” She put her own glass down as if it suddenly frightened
+her. “Why do we all drink so much, Jackson? Is it something in the air
+down here? Does the Village contaminate us?”
+
+“I wish to God it did. I’d move out tomorrow.”
+
+“Are we all bad for each other?”
+
+“Poisonous. But that’s not the reason.”
+
+“It’s contagious, then. One person gets hooked on booze and he hooks
+everybody else.”
+
+“Guess again.”
+
+“Because we’re queer?”
+
+“No, doll. Come with me.” He took her by the hand and led her on a
+weaving course through the living room to the bathroom. The dachshund,
+Nix, followed them, bustling with non-alcoholic energy. Jack aimed Beebo
+at the mirror over the washbowl. “There, sweetheart,” he said. “There’s
+your answer.”
+
+Beebo looked at herself with distaste. “My face?” she asked.
+
+Jack chuckled. “Yourself,” he said. “You drink to suit yourself. As
+Laura said, you drink because you like the taste.”
+
+“I hate the taste. Tastes lousy.”
+
+“Beebo, I love you but you are the goddam stubbornest female alive. You
+don’t drink because anybody asks you to, or infects you, or forces you.
+You’re like me. You need to or you wouldn’t! Ask that babe in the mirror
+there.”
+
+“I can’t live with that, Jack,” she whispered.
+
+“Okay, don’t. I can’t either. I just made up my mind: I’m quitting.”
+
+She turned and looked at him. “I don’t believe you.”
+
+He smiled at her. “You don’t have to,” he said.
+
+“And what if you do? How does that help me?”
+
+He shook his head. “You have to help yourself, Beebo. That’s the hell of
+it.” He turned and walked toward the front door and Beebo followed him,
+scooping Nix off the floor and carrying him with her. “Don’t go, Jack,”
+she said. “I need somebody to talk to.”
+
+“Talk to Laura.”
+
+“Sure. Like talking to a wall.”
+
+“Talk anyway. Talk to Nix.”
+
+“I do. All the time.” She held the little dog tight and turned a taut
+face to it. “Why doesn’t she love me any more, Nix? What did I do wrong?
+Tell me. Tell me....” She glanced up at Jack. “I apologize,” she said.
+
+“What for?”
+
+“For laughing about your kid. Your little girl.” She stroked Nix. “I
+know how it feels. To want one. You just have to make do with what
+you’ve got,” she added, squeezing Nix.
+
+Jack stared a little at her. “You know, it comes to me as a shock now
+and then that you’re a female,” he said.
+
+“Yeah. Comes as a shock to me too.”
+
+He saw tears starting in her eyes again and put a kind hand on her arm.
+“Beebo, you’re trying too damn hard with Laura. Relax. Ignore her for a
+couple of days.”
+
+“Ignore her! I adore her! I die inside when she slams that door at me.”
+She dropped Nix suddenly and threw her arms around Jack, nearly
+smothering him. “Jack, you’ve been through it, you know what to do. Help
+me. Tell me. Help me!” And her arms loosened and she slumped to the
+floor and rolled over on her stomach and wept. Nix licked her face and
+whimpered.
+
+Jack stood looking over her, still smiling sadly. Nothing surprised him
+now. He had lived with the heartbreaks of the homosexual world too long.
+
+“Sure, I know what to do,” he said softly. “Just keep living. Whatever
+else turns rotten and dies, never mind. Just keep living. Till it’s
+worse than dying. Then it’s time to quit.”
+
+“Ohhhh,” she groaned. “What shall I do?”
+
+“Stop loving her,” he said.
+
+Beebo turned over and gaped at him. Jack shrugged and there was sympathy
+in his face and fate in his voice. “That would straighten things out,
+wouldn’t it?”
+
+Beebo shook her head and whispered, “I can’t. You know I can’t.”
+
+“I know,” Jack repeated. “Goodnight, Beebo.”
+
+
+
+
+                                   2
+
+
+The bedroom door opened and Beebo surprised Laura sitting on the closet
+floor fingering her shoes and dreaming. The party was two days past, the
+hang-overs were still with them, but love was seven days behind them.
+Beebo didn’t know how much longer she could take it. She had tried,
+since Jack’s advice about relaxing, to keep her distance from Laura. It
+had not worked miracles, but it had helped.
+
+However, Laura resented the love she could no longer return. Perhaps it
+was anger at her own failing, her own empty heart. Laura felt a sort of
+shame when Beebo embraced her. She blamed herself secretly for her
+fading affection. Beebo’s love had been the strongest and Beebo’s words,
+when she spoke of it, the truest. And yet Laura had said those same
+words and felt those same passions and believed, as Beebo had believed,
+that it would last.
+
+She could not be sure where she had gone wrong or when that lovely flush
+of desire had begun to wane in her. She only knew one day that she did
+not want Beebo to touch her. When Beebo had protested, Laura had lost
+her temper and they had had their first terrible fight. Not a spat or an
+argument or a disagreement, as before. A fight—a physical struggle as
+well as a verbal one. An ugly and humiliating thing from which they
+could not rise and make love and reassure each other. That had been
+almost a year ago. Others had followed it and the breach became serious,
+and still they clung to each other.
+
+Only now Laura’s need was weakening and it was Beebo who held them
+together almost by herself. It was Beebo who gave in when a quarrel
+loomed, who took the lead to make peace afterwards, to try to soothe and
+spoil Laura. Beebo had the terrible fear that one of these days the
+quarrel would be too vicious and Laura would leave her. Or that she
+would go beyond the point of rational suffering and kill Laura.
+
+Once or twice she had dreamed of this, and when she had wakened in sweat
+and panic she had gone to the living room and turned the light on and
+spent the time until dawn staring at it, repeating the jingles of
+popular tunes in her mind as a sort of desperate gesture at sanity.
+
+Now Beebo stood looking down at Laura and at Nix, who was chewing on a
+pair of slippers, and she felt a wrenching in her heart. It just wasn’t
+possible for her to ignore Laura any longer. She had kept hands off
+since the party and her talk with Jack. There had been no begging, no
+shouting, no furious tears. Now she felt she deserved tenderness and she
+knelt down and took Laura’s chin in her hand and kissed her mouth.
+
+“I love you,” she said almost shyly.
+
+And Laura, who wanted only to leave her, not to hurt her, lowered her
+eyes and looked away. She could not say it any more. _I love you,
+Beebo._ It wasn’t true. And Beebo knew it and the knowledge almost
+killed her, and yet she didn’t insist. “Laura,” she said humbly. “Kiss
+me.”
+
+And Laura did. And in a little wave of compassion she said into Beebo’s
+ear, “I don’t want to hurt you any more.”
+
+Beebo took it the wrong way, the way that hurt her least. She took it to
+mean that Laura was apologizing and wanted her love again. But Laura
+meant only that Beebo had been dear to her once and that it was awful to
+see her so unhappy. “It’s my fault,” she said. “Only—”
+
+“Only nothing,” Beebo said quickly. “Don’t say it. Say sweet things to
+me.”
+
+“Oh, Beebo, I can’t. Don’t ask me. I’ve forgotten the sweet things.”
+Suddenly she felt like crying. She had never meant to wound Beebo. She
+had had the best intentions of loving her faithfully for the rest of her
+life. And yet now every pretty face she saw on the streets caught her
+eye, every new set of eyes or curving lips at the lunch counter.
+
+Laura was afraid and ashamed. She had always protested hotly when
+somebody accused Lesbians of promiscuity. And yet here she was refuting
+her own argument, at least in her thoughts and desires. It was still
+true that in the whole time they had lived together, she had never
+betrayed Beebo with another woman.
+
+Knowing how Beebo felt only made Laura’s conscience worse. It made her
+resentful and gentle by fits. Either way it was nerve-wracking and left
+her exhausted.
+
+Suddenly Beebo picked her up and put her on the bed. She sat down beside
+her and slipped her arms around her and began to kiss her with a
+yearning that gradually brought little darts of desire to Laura. She
+didn’t want it until it happened. And then, inexplicably, she did. It
+was good, very good. And she heard Beebo whisper, “Oh, if it could
+always be like this. Laura, Laura, love me. Love me!”
+
+Laura turned her head away and shut her eyes and tried not to hear the
+words. Gradually the world faded out of her consciousness and there was
+only the ritual rhythm, the wonderful press of Beebo’s body against
+hers. It hadn’t been like this for Laura for months, and she was both
+grateful and annoyed.
+
+Beebo made wonderful love. She knew how, she did it naturally, as other
+people eat or walk. Her hands flowed over Laura like fine silk in the
+wind, her lips bit and teased and murmured, all with a knowing touch
+that amounted to witchery. In the early days of their love Laura had not
+been able to resist her, and Beebo had loved her lavishly.
+
+Often Laura had felt an ache for those days, when everything was sure
+and safe and certain in the fortress of passion. She had taken passion
+for love itself, and she had been secure in Beebo’s warm arms. Now it
+seemed that Beebo had been just a harbor where she could rest and renew
+herself at a time when her life was most shattered and unhappy. She
+didn’t need the safe harbor now. She was grateful, but she needed to
+move on. It was time to face life again and fight again and feel alive
+again. For Beebo the time of searching was over. It ended when she met
+Laura.
+
+She had a small ten-watt bulb in a little bedstand lamp that shed a
+peachy glow around them, and she always had it on when they went to bed.
+Laura had loved it at first, when just the sight of Beebo’s big firm
+body and marvelous limbs would set her trembling. But later, when she
+was afraid her slackening interest would show in her face, she asked
+Beebo to turn it out. It had been one more in a series of harsh
+arguments, for Beebo had known what prompted her request.
+
+Now they lay beside one another, their hearts slipping back into a
+normal rhythm, their bodies limp and relaxed. Laura wanted only to
+sleep; she dreaded long intimate talks with Beebo. But Beebo wanted
+reassurance. She wanted Laura’s soft voice in her ears.
+
+“Talk to me, Bo-peep,” Beebo said.
+
+“Too sleepy,” Laura murmured, yawning.
+
+“What did you do today?”
+
+“Nothing.”
+
+“Shall I tell you what I did?”
+
+“No.”
+
+“I got a new shirt at Davis’s,” Beebo said, ignoring her. “Blue with
+little checks. And guess who rode in my elevator today?”
+
+Laura didn’t answer.
+
+“Ed Sullivan,” Beebo said. “He had to see one of the ad agency people on
+the eighth floor.” Still no response. “Looks just like he does on TV,”
+Beebo said.
+
+Laura rolled over on her side and pulled the covers up over her ears.
+For some moments Beebo remained quiet and then she said softly, “You’ve
+been calling me ‘Beth’ again.”
+
+Laura woke up suddenly and completely. Beth ... the name, the girl, the
+love that wound through her life like a theme. The tender first love
+that was born in her college days and died with them less than a year
+later. The love she never could forget or forgive or wholly renounce.
+She had called Beebo “Beth” when they first met, and now and then when
+passion got the best of her, or whiskey, or nostalgia, Beth’s name would
+come to her lips like an old song. Beebo had grown to hate it. It was
+the only rival she knew for certain she had and it put her in the
+unreasonable position of being helplessly jealous of a girl she didn’t
+know and never would. Whenever she mentioned her, Laura knew there was a
+storm coming.
+
+“If I could only _see_ that goddam girl sometime and know what I was up
+against!” she would shout, and Laura would have to pacify her one way or
+another. She would have to protest that after all, it was all over, Beth
+was married, and Beth had never even loved her. Not really. But when
+Laura grew the most unhappy with Beebo, the most restless and
+frustrated, she would start to call her Beth again when they made love.
+So Beebo feared the name as much as she disliked it. It was an evil omen
+in her life, as it was a love theme in Laura’s.
+
+Laura turned back to face Beebo now, nervous and tensed for a fight.
+“Beebo, darling—I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to.”
+
+“Sure, I know. _Darling._” She lampooned Laura’s soothing love word
+sarcastically. “You just pick that name out of a hat. For some screwy
+reason it just happens to be the same name all the time.”
+
+“If you’re going to be like that I won’t apologize next time.”
+
+“_Next_ time! Are you planning on next time already? God!”
+
+“Beebo, you know that’s all over—”
+
+“I swear, Laura, sometimes I think you must have a girl somewhere.”
+Laura gasped indignantly, but Beebo went on, “I do! You talk about Beth,
+Beth, Beth so much I’m beginning to think she’s real. She’s my demon.
+She lives around the corner on Seventh Avenue somewhere and you sneak
+off and see her in the evenings when I work late. And her husband is
+out.” Her voice was sharp and probing, like a needle in the hands of a
+nervous nurse.
+
+“Beebo, I’ve never betrayed you! Never!”
+
+Beebo didn’t really believe she had. But Laura had hurt her enough
+without betraying her and Beebo, who was not blind, could see that Laura
+would not go on forever in beautiful blamelessness.
+
+“You will,” Beebo said briefly. They were the words of near despair.
+
+Laura was suddenly full of pity. “Beebo, don’t _make_ me hurt you,” she
+begged. She got on her knees and bent over Beebo. “I swear I’ve never
+touched another girl while we’ve lived together, and I never will.”
+
+“You mean when you stumble on a tempting female one of these days you’ll
+just move out. You can always say, ‘I never cheated on Beebo while we
+lived together. I just got the hell out when I had a chance.’”
+
+“Beebo, damn you, you’re impossible! _You’re_ the one who’s saying all
+this! I don’t want to cheat, I don’t want to hurt you, I _hate_ these
+ugly scenes!” She began to weep while she talked. “God, if you’re going
+to accuse me of something, accuse me of something real. Sometimes I
+think you’re getting a little crazy.”
+
+Beebo clasped her around the waist then, her strong fingers digging
+painfully into Laura’s smooth flesh, and sobbed. They were hard sobs,
+painful as if each one were twisting her throat.
+
+“Forgive me, forgive me,” she groaned. “Why do I do it? _Why?_ Laura, my
+darling, my only love, tell me just once—you aren’t in love with anybody
+else, are you?”
+
+“No!” said Laura with the force of truth, resenting Beebo’s arms around
+her. She wanted to comfort her, yet she feared that Beebo would pounce
+on the gesture as a proof of love and force her into more love-making.
+Her hands rested awkwardly on Beebo’s shoulders.
+
+“If you ever fall for anybody, Bo-peep, tell me. Tell me first, don’t
+spare me. Don’t wait till the breach is too wide to heal. Give me a
+chance. Let me know who it is, let me know how it happened. Don’t keep
+me wondering and agonizing over it. Anything would be better than lies
+and wondering. Promise you’ll tell me. _Promise_, love.”
+
+She looked up at Laura now, shaking her so hard that Laura gasped.
+“Promise!” she said fiercely.
+
+“All right,” Laura whispered, afraid of her.
+
+“Say it.”
+
+“I promise—to tell you—if I—oh, Beebo, please—”
+
+“Go on, damn you!”
+
+“If I ever fall—for somebody else.” Her voice was almost too weak to
+hear.
+
+Beebo released her then and they both fell back on the bed, worn out.
+For a long time they lay awake, but neither would make a move toward the
+other or utter a word.
+
+                   *       *       *       *       *
+
+The next day Beebo awoke feeling that they had come closer to the edge
+of breaking up than ever before, and she could feel herself trembling
+all over. She got up before Laura was awake and, taking Nix with her
+into the kitchen, she poured herself a shot. She was ashamed of this new
+little habit she was acquiring. She hadn’t told anybody about it, not
+even Jack. Just one drink in the morning. Just one. Never more. It made
+her hands steady. It made the day look brighter and not quite so
+endless. It made her situation with Laura look hopeful.
+
+She took the hot and satisfying amber liquid straight, letting it burn
+her tight throat and ease her. Then she washed out the shot glass and
+returned it to the shelf with the bottle.
+
+“Nix,” she said softly to the little dog, “I’m a bad girl. Your Beebo is
+a wicked bitch, Nix. Do you think anybody cares? Do you think it
+matters? What the hell good is it to be a bad little girl if nobody
+notices you? What fun is it then? Shall I have another shot, Nix?
+Nobody’s looking.”
+
+He whimpered a little, watching her with puddle-bright eyes, and made
+her laugh. “_You_ care, don’t you, little dog?” She leaned down and
+picked him up. “You care, anyway. You’re telling me not to be an ass and
+let myself in for a lot of trouble. And you’re right. Absolutely.”
+
+She sat down on a kitchen chair and sighed. “You know, if she loved me,
+Nix, I wouldn’t have to do it. You know that, don’t you? Sure you do.
+You’re the only one who does. Everybody else thinks I’m just turning
+into an old souse. But it’s not true. It’s because of Laura, you know
+that as well as I do. She makes me so miserable. She has my life in her
+hands, Nix.” She laughed a little. “You know, that’s kind of
+frightening. I wish I knew if she was on my side or not.”
+
+There was a moment when she thought she would cry and she dumped Nix off
+her lap and quickly poured herself one more shot. It went down easier
+than number one, but she washed the shot glass out as before and put it
+and the bottle back on the shelf as if to tell herself: _That’s all,
+that’s enough._
+
+Beebo turned and smiled at Nix. “Now look at me,” she said. “I’m more
+sober than when I’m really sober. My hands have quit shaking. And I’m
+not going to quarrel with her when she gets up. I’m going to say
+something nice. Come here, dog. Help me think of something....
+
+“I’d sell my soul to be an honest-to-god male. I could marry Laura! I
+could marry her. Give her my name. Give her kids ... oh, wouldn’t that
+be lovely? So lovely....” Jack’s desire for a child didn’t seem
+grotesque to her at all any more.
+
+“But Nix,” she went on, and her face fell, “she wouldn’t have me. My
+baby is gay, like me. She wants a woman. Would God she wanted me. But a
+woman, all the same. She’d never take a man for a mate.”
+
+She felt the vile tears sneaking up on her again and shook her head
+hard. “She couldn’t take that, Nix. It’d be even worse than—than living
+with me.” And she gave a hard laugh.
+
+Beebo heard the bedroom door open and she dropped Nix and went to the
+icebox. Within moments Laura entered the kitchen.
+
+“’Morning,” she said.
+
+“Good morning, Madam Queen. What’ll it be?”
+
+“Soft boiled egg, please. Have to hurry, I’ll be late to work.” She had
+a job in a tourist trap over on Greenwich Avenue, where they sold
+sandals and earrings and trinkets.
+
+Beebo busied herself with the eggs and Laura poured orange juice and
+opened the paper. She buried herself in it, moving just a little to let
+Beebo put her plate down in front of her. Beebo sat down opposite her
+and ate in silence for a minute, eating very little. She lighted a
+cigarette after a few minutes and sipped cautiously at her hot coffee.
+
+“Laura?” she said.
+
+“Hm?”
+
+“Even in the morning, with your hair up and your nose in the paper and
+your eyes looking everywhere but at me ... I love you, Laura.” She said
+it slowly, composing it as she went and smiling a little at the effect.
+The liquor had loosened her up.
+
+“What?” said Laura, her eyes following a story and her ears deaf.
+
+“I have a surprise for you, Bo-peep,” Beebo tried again.
+
+“Oh. Says here it’s going up to ninety today.... A surprise?” She
+lowered the paper a bit to look at Beebo.
+
+“Um-hm. I didn’t get you an anniversary present. I thought we might get
+you a new dress tonight. Stores are open.”
+
+Laura was embarrassed. It still upset her to have to accept gifts from
+Beebo. She felt as if each one was a bid for her love, a sort of
+investment Beebo was making in Laura’s good will. It made her resent the
+gifts and resist them. And still Beebo came home with things she
+couldn’t afford and forced them on Laura and made her almost frantic
+between the need to be grateful, the pity she felt, and the exasperation
+that was the result of it all.
+
+“I don’t need a dress, honey,” Laura said.
+
+“I want you to have one.”
+
+“God, Beebo, if I bought all the clothes you want me to have we wouldn’t
+have money to eat on. We’d be broke. We’d be in hock for everything we
+own.”
+
+“Please, baby. All I want to do is buy you an anniversary present.”
+
+“Beebo, I—” What could she say? _I don’t want the damn dress?_
+
+“I know,” Beebo said abruptly. “I embarrass you. You don’t like to be
+seen in the nice stores with me. I look so damn queer. Don’t argue,
+Bo-peep, I know it,” she said, waving Laura’s protests to silence. “I’ll
+wear a skirt tonight. Okay? I look pretty good in a skirt.”
+
+It was true that Laura was ashamed to go anywhere out of Greenwich
+Village with her.... Beebo, nearly six feet of her, with her hair
+cropped short and her strange clothes and her gruff voice. And when she
+flirted with the clerks! Laura had been afraid more than once that they
+would call the police and drag Beebo off to jail. But it had never
+happened. Still, there was always a first time. And if she had a couple
+of drinks before they went, Laura wasn’t at all sure she could handle
+her.
+
+“Why don’t you let me find something for myself?” Laura asked, pleading.
+“I know you hate to put a skirt on. You don’t have to come. I’ll pick
+out something pretty.” But she knew, and so did Beebo, that unless Beebo
+went along Laura would buy nothing. She would come home and say, “They
+just didn’t have a thing.” And Beebo would have to face the fact that
+Laura resented her little tributes.
+
+So she said, “No, I don’t trust your taste. Besides, I like to see you
+try on all the different things.”
+
+                   *       *       *       *       *
+
+So it was that Laura met her at Lord and Taylor’s on Fifth Avenue after
+work. It had to be a really good store and Beebo had to pay more than
+they could afford, or she wasn’t satisfied. Laura anticipated it with
+dread, but at least it was better than another awful quarrel. If Beebo
+would just be quiet. If she would just keep her eyes—and her hands—off
+the cute little clerks in the dress departments. Laura always tried to
+find a stolid middle-aged clerk, but the shops seemed to abound in sleek
+young ones.
+
+Still, Beebo, subdued perhaps by her plain black dress and by Laura’s
+nervous concern, kept quiet. Laura noticed a little whiskey on her
+breath when they met outside the store, but nothing in her behavior
+betrayed it.
+
+“Do I stink?” she had asked, and when Laura wrinkled her nose Beebo took
+a mint out and sucked on it. “I won’t disgrace you,” she said. She was
+making a real effort.
+
+They zigzagged around the Avenue, finding nothing that both looked right
+and could be had for less than a fortune. At Peck and Peck, near nine
+o’clock, Laura said, “Beebo, I’ve had it. This is positively the last
+place. I don’t want you to dress me like a damn princess. I’d much
+rather have one of those big enamel-ware pots—”
+
+“Oh, goddamn the pots! Don’t talk to me of pots!” Beebo exclaimed and
+Laura answered, “All right, all right, all right!” in a quick irritated
+whisper.
+
+She went up to the first girl she saw, determined to waste as little
+time as possible. “Excuse me,” she said. “Could you show me something in
+a twelve?”
+
+The girl turned around and looked at her out of jade green eyes. Laura
+stared at her. She was black-haired and her skin was the color of three
+parts cream and one part coffee. In such a setting her green eyes were
+amazing. There was a tiny red dot between them on her brow, Indian
+fashion, but she was dressed in Occidental clothes. She gazed at Laura
+with exquisite contempt.
+
+“Something in a twelve?” she repeated, and her voice had a careful,
+educated sort of pronunciation. Laura was enchanted with her, pleased
+just to look at her marvelous smooth face. Her skin was incredibly pure
+and her color luminous.
+
+“Yes, please,” Laura said.
+
+With a light monosyllable, unintelligible to Laura, the girl shrugged at
+a row of dresses. “Help yourself,” she said in clipped English. “I
+cannot help you.”
+
+Laura was surprised at her effrontery. “Well, I—I would like a little
+help, if you don’t mind,” she said pointedly.
+
+“Not from me. Go look at the dresses. If you see one you like, buy it.”
+
+Laura stared at her, her dander up. “You just don’t care if I buy a
+dress or not, do you?” she prodded. The girl, who had begun to turn
+away, looked back at her in annoyance.
+
+“Can you think of one good reason why I should?” she asked.
+
+“You’re a clerk and I’m a customer,” Laura shot back.
+
+“Thank you for the compliment,” she said icily. “But I am no clerk. And
+if I were, I wouldn’t wait on you.”
+
+It was so royal, so precise, that Laura blushed crimson. “Oh,” she said
+in confusion. “Please forgive me. I—I just saw you standing there and
+I—”
+
+“And you took it for granted that I must be a clerk? How flattering.”
+She stared at Laura for a minute and then she smiled slightly and turned
+away.
+
+Laura was too interested in her just to let her fade away like that. She
+started after her with no idea of what to say, feeling idiotic and yet
+fascinated with the girl. She touched her sleeve and that lovely beige
+face swiveled toward her, this time plainly irritated. But before either
+of them could speak Beebo came toward them. She had a couple of dresses
+over one arm and she sauntered up with typical long strides, a cigarette
+drooping from one corner of her mouth. Laura saw her coming with a
+sinking feeling.
+
+“I found these, Laura. Try them on,” she said, looking at the Indian
+girl. There was a small awkward silence. “Well?” Beebo said suddenly,
+smiling at the strange girl. “Friend of yours, Bo-peep?”
+
+Laura could have slapped her. She hated that pet name. It was bad enough
+in private, but in public it was intolerable.
+
+“No, I—I mistook her for a clerk,” Laura said. Her cheeks were still
+glowing and the girl looked from her to Beebo and back as if they were
+both dangerous. Laura’s hand fell from her arm and she stepped
+backwards, still watching them, as if she half-feared they would follow
+her.
+
+“Don’t mind her,” Beebo told her, thumbing at Laura. “She thinks her
+best friends are clerks. She’s just being friendly.” Laura heard the
+edge in her voice and became uneasy.
+
+But the Indian girl, if she was an Indian girl, unexpectedly relented a
+little and smiled. “It’s all right,” she said. She looked at Laura. “I’m
+not a clerk,” she said. “I’m a dancer.”
+
+“Oh!” Suddenly an unwelcome little thrill flew through Laura. She
+couldn’t have explained it logically. The girl was very demure and
+distant. But she was also very lovely, and Laura had a brief vision of
+all that creamy tan skin unveiled and undulating to the rhythm of
+muffled gongs and bells and wailing reeds.
+
+She must have looked incredulous for the girl said suddenly, “I can
+prove it.”
+
+“Oh, no! No, that’s all right,” Laura protested, but the girl handed her
+a little card with a name printed on it, and Laura took it eagerly. “I
+did not mean I would demonstrate,” the girl said carefully.
+
+Beebo laughed. “Go ahead,” she said. “We’re dance lovers. I don’t think
+Laura’d mind a bit, would you, baby?” She was mad at Laura for flirting
+and Laura knew it.
+
+The little card read, _Tris Robischon_ and underneath, _Dance Studio_
+and an address in the Village. “I just didn’t want you to think I was
+lying,” the girl said, somewhat haughtily. And before Laura or Beebo
+could answer her she turned and left them standing, staring after her.
+
+Beebo turned to frown at Laura. “You made a hit, it seems,” she said
+acidly. “Let’s see her card.” She snatched it from Laura’s reluctant
+fingers.
+
+“Take it. I don’t want it!” Laura said angrily, for she did want it very
+much. She turned away sharply, giving her attention to a row of dresses,
+but she knew Beebo wouldn’t let her off the hook so easily. There would
+be more nastiness and soon.
+
+“You got her name out of her, at least. Pretty smooth.” Beebo’s voice
+was hard and hurt. “Tris Robischon. Doesn’t sound very Indian to me.”
+
+“How would you know, swami?” Laura snapped. “If you throw a jealous
+scene in here I’ll leave you tonight and I’ll never come back, I’m
+warning you!” she added in a furious hiss, and Beebo glared at her. But
+she didn’t answer.
+
+Finally Laura dragged some dresses off the rack and turned to her. “I’ll
+try these,” she said. Beebo followed her to the dressing room and
+watched her change into one and then another in angry silence.
+
+At last Laura burst out, “I didn’t ask her for the damn card. I don’t
+know _why_ she gave it to me.”
+
+“It’s obvious. You’re irresistible.”
+
+Laura took two handfuls of Beebo’s hair and shook her head till Beebo
+stopped her roughly and forced her to her knees. Fury paralyzed them
+both for a moment and they stared at each other helplessly, trembling.
+
+Laura wanted that card. She wanted it enough to soften suddenly and play
+games for it. “Beebo, be gentle with me,” she pleaded, her tense body
+relaxing. “Don’t hurt me,” she whispered. “I don’t know who the girl is
+and I don’t care.”
+
+Beebo stared at her suspiciously till Laura reminded her, “We came to
+get a dress, remember? Let’s not spoil it. Please, Beebo.”
+
+Beebo released her and sat staring at the floor. Laura tried on dresses
+for her, but Beebo wouldn’t look at them. No tender words, no coaxing,
+no teasing that would have been so welcome any other time worked with
+her tonight. When Beebo got jealous she was a bitch—irrational,
+unreasonable, unkind.
+
+“I’m going to take this one,” Laura said finally, a little desperate.
+“Whether you like it or not.”
+
+Beebo looked up slowly. “I like it,” she said flatly, but she would have
+said, “I hate it,” in the same voice.
+
+Laura went over to her and took her face in both hands, stooped down,
+and kissed her petulant mouth. “Beebo,” she murmured. “You love me. Act
+like it.” It was so foolishly selfish, so unexpected, and so almost
+affectionate that it was funny, and Beebo smiled wryly at her. She took
+Laura’s shoulders and pulled her down for another kiss just as a clerk—a
+genuine clerk—stuck her face in and said, “Need any help in here?”
+
+“No thanks!” Laura blurted, looking up in alarm. Beebo put her head back
+and laughed and the clerk stared, pop-eyed. Then she shut the door and
+sped away. Beebo stood up and swept Laura into her arms and kissed her
+over and over, all over her face and shoulders and ears and throat until
+Laura had to beg her to stop. “Let’s get out of here before that clerk
+makes trouble!” she implored.
+
+When they left the dressing room Laura noticed that Beebo had put Tris
+Robischon’s card in the sand pail for cigarettes. It stuck out like a
+little white flag. Laura risked her purse—with $15.87, all they had for
+the next week—to get the card back. She left the purse on the chair as
+she followed Beebo out. And so it was that she was able to make an
+excuse to go back and retrieve them both, purse and card, while Beebo
+paid for the dress.
+
+
+
+
+                                   3
+
+
+_It’s an awful thing about Jack_, Laura wrote in her diary, sitting on
+the floor by the closet door. _Such a nice guy, so bright and so—this
+will sound corny—so _fine_. But ever since Terry left him he’s been a
+little crazy. I was really afraid of how much he was drinking until
+tonight when we had a beer at Julian’s. Or rather, I had a beer. Jack’s
+on the wagon. Maybe that will straighten him out. _If_ he can stick with
+it. If he’d been straight I think he would have done something wonderful
+with his life. But is it fair to blame the failures on homosexuality? Is
+it, really? I’m selling junk here in the Village because Beebo wants me
+near her. She runs an elevator so she can wear pants all day. And Jack’s
+a draughtsman so he can be in an office full of virile engineers. What’s
+the matter with us? We don’t _have_ to spend our lives doing it. So why
+do we?_
+
+She had asked Jack the same question at Julian’s little bar just off
+Seventh Avenue, earlier that evening. “Why do we do it, Jack? Throw our
+lives away?” she said.
+
+“We like to,” he shrugged. “We all have martyr complexes.”
+
+“We give away the best part of ourselves—our youth and our health are
+all just given away. Free.”
+
+“What sort of profit did you expect to make on them?” he said. “You want
+to get paid for being young and healthy?”
+
+Laura glared at him. “That’s not what I mean—”
+
+“If you’re not giving, you’re not living, doll,” he said. “I quote the
+sob columns. Give yourself away, what the hell. What’s youth for? And
+health? And beauty, and the rest of it. Keep it and it turns putrid like
+everything else. Give it away and at least somebody enjoys it.”
+
+“Jack, you know damn well I mean _wasting_ it. Wasting it all day long
+on costume jewelry or a push-button elevator or a slide rule. God, when
+I think of what you—”
+
+“Don’t think of all the fine things I could have done with my life,
+Mother,” he pleaded. “You give me the shudders. I’m not happy, but I’d
+be worse off trying to live straight. I like men. My office is full of
+them.”
+
+“You hate your work.”
+
+“I never have to think about it. Purely mechanical. I just sit there and
+flip that little slip stick and I say, ‘Evens, Johnson is straight.
+Odds, he’s queer.’ If Johnson is queer on Tuesday—according to the slide
+rule—I make it a point to give him a kind word.”
+
+“Johnson is straight and you know it. Every man in your office is
+straight. Why do you torture yourself?”
+
+“No torture, Mother. When the whole world is black, pretend it’s rosy.
+Somewhere, in some little corner. If everybody’s straight, pretend
+somebody’s gay.”
+
+“That’s a short cut to the bug house.”
+
+“I wouldn’t mind the bug house. If they’d let me keep my slip stick.” He
+laughed to himself and leaned over the bar to order. “One whiskey and
+water,” he said.
+
+“How about you, Mann?” Julian asked.
+
+“Nothing.”
+
+“Are you on the wagon?” Laura was stunned. When he nodded she said,
+“Just a beer for me. I’m drinking too much anyway.” Then she smiled.
+“You’ll never last, Jack. You know what you need?”
+
+“Do I know? Are you serious?” He grinned at her, but it was a pained
+smile.
+
+“You need a real man,” Laura said softly. “Not a bunch of daydreams at
+the office. That’s enough to drive anybody nuts. You worry me, Jack.”
+
+“Good.” He smiled and squeezed her arm. “Now I’ll tell you what I really
+need.” He looked at her through his sharp eyes set in that plain face
+Laura had come to love and find attractive. “I don’t need a man, Laura,”
+he said. “I’m too damn old to run after pretty boys any more. I look
+like a middle-aged fool, which is exactly what I am. When Terry left me,
+I was through.”
+
+“Do you still love him? Even after what he did?”
+
+“I won’t talk about him,” he said simply. “I can’t. But he was the last
+one. The end. I want a woman now. I want you, Laura.” He turned away
+abruptly, embarrassed, but his hand remained on her arm.
+
+Laura was touched. “Jack,” she said very gently. “I’m a Lesbian. Even if
+you renounce men, I can’t renounce women. I won’t even try.”
+
+“There was a time when you were willing to try.”
+
+“That was a million years ago. I wasn’t the same Laura I am now. I said
+that before I even met Beebo—when another girl was giving me hell, and I
+was new to the game and to New York and so afraid of everything.”
+
+“So now you know the ropes and you’re absolutely sure you’d rather give
+your life away to the goddam tourists and a woman you don’t love than
+come and live with a man you do love.”
+
+“Jack, darling, I love you, but I don’t love you with my body. I love
+you with my heart and soul but I could never let you make love to me.”
+
+“I could never do it, either,” he said quietly. “You’re no gayer than I
+am, Laura. If we married it would never be a physical union, you know
+that.” Somewhere far back in his mind the sweet shadow of that little
+dream child hovered, but he suppressed it, lighting a cigarette quickly.
+His fingers shook.
+
+“If it wasn’t a physical union, what would it be?” Laura asked. “Just
+small talk and community property and family-plan fares?”
+
+He smiled. “Sounds a little empty, doesn’t it?”
+
+“Jack,” Laura said, speaking with care so as not to hurt him, “you’re
+forty-five and life looks a little different to you now. I’m only
+twenty-three and I can’t give up my body so casually. I could never make
+you promises I couldn’t keep.”
+
+“I wouldn’t ask that promise of you, Laura,” he said.
+
+“You mean I could bring girls home? To our home, yours and mine? Any
+girls, any time? And it would be all right?”
+
+“Let’s put it this way,” he said. “If you fell in love with somebody,
+I’d be understanding. I’d welcome her to the house, and I’d get the hell
+out when you wanted a little privacy. I’d keep strict hands off and just
+one shoulder for you to cry on. As long as you really loved her and it
+wasn’t cheap or loud or dirty, I’d respect it.”
+
+He knocked the ashes off the tip of his cigarette thoughtfully. “...
+only,” he said, “you’d be my wife. And you’d come home at night and tuck
+me in and you’d be there in the morning to see me off.” He sounded so
+peculiarly gentle and yearning that she was convinced that he meant it.
+But she was not ready to give in.
+
+Laura smiled at him. “What would there be in all this for you, Jack?”
+she said. “Just getting tucked in at night? Is that enough
+compensation?”
+
+“Nobody ever tucked me in before.” He said it with a grin but she sensed
+that it was true.
+
+“And breakfast in the morning?”
+
+“Wonderful! You don’t know what a difference it would make.”
+
+“That’s nothing, Jack, compared to what you’d be giving me.”
+
+“You’d be my wife, Laura, my honest-to-God lawful legal wife. You’d give
+me a home. You don’t know what that would mean to me. I’ve been living
+in rented rooms since I was out of diapers. You’d give me a place to
+rest in and be proud of, and a purpose in life. What the hell good am I
+to myself? What use is an aging fag with a letch for hopelessly bored,
+hopelessly handsome boys? Christ, I give myself the creeps. I give the
+boys the creeps. And you know something? They’re beginning to give _me_
+the creeps. I’m so low I can’t go any place but up. If you’ll say yes.”
+
+“What if I did? What about Beebo?” Laura said softly, as if the name
+might suddenly conjure up her lover, jealous and vengeful.
+
+“It would solve everything,” he said positively. “She could still see
+you, but you wouldn’t be her property any more. It’s bad for her to have
+the idea she owns you, but that’s the way she treats you. If you were my
+wife she’d have to respect the situation. It would be a kind way to
+break with her,” he added slyly. He was feeling too selfish to waste
+sympathy on Beebo now.
+
+Laura thought it over. There was no one she respected more than Jack,
+and her love for him, born of gratitude and affection, was real. But it
+was not the love of a normal woman for a normal man she felt for him,
+and the idea of marrying him frightened her.
+
+“Do you think, if we married, we could keep our love for each other
+intact, Jack?” she asked.
+
+“Yes,” he said.
+
+“Even if I were having an affair?” She was thinking at that moment of
+Tris Robischon, the lovely, lithe Indian girl.
+
+“Yes. I told you ‘yes.’”
+
+Laura finished her beer in silence, gazing into the mirror over the bar
+and pondering. She knew she would say no. But she didn’t quite know how.
+“I can’t, Jack,” she said at last, in a small voice.
+
+“Not now, maybe?” He wouldn’t give up.
+
+“Never.”
+
+“Never say never, Mother. Say ‘not now’ or something.”
+
+She did, obediently. But she added, “We’d quarrel and we’d end up
+destroying our love for each other.”
+
+“We’d quarrel, hell yes. I wouldn’t feel properly married if we didn’t.”
+
+“And there’s always the chance that _you’d_ fall in love. And regret
+that you married me.”
+
+He turned to her with a little smile and shook his head. “Never,” he
+said. “And this once it’s the right word.” He took her hands. “Say yes.”
+
+“No.”
+
+“Say maybe.”
+
+“No.”
+
+“Say you’ll think about it, Laura. Say it, honey.”
+
+And out of love and reluctance to hurt him, she whispered, “I’ll think
+about it.”
+
+                   *       *       *       *       *
+
+Laura was walking up Greenwich Avenue, searching for number 251. She had
+a small white card in her hand to which she referred occasionally,
+although she had memorized the address. It was a hot day, late in the
+afternoon, and she had just come from work, wilted and worn and bored.
+The idea of going home right away depressed her and she had decided to
+walk a little.
+
+She hadn’t gone two blocks before she was daydreaming of Tris Robischon
+and suddenly shivering with the thought of seeing her again.
+
+Beebo wouldn’t be home until nine o’clock that evening, and Tris’s
+studio address was only a short distance from the shop where Laura
+worked. All at once she was walking fast.
+
+She found the address with no trouble at all. In fact it was almost too
+easy and before she knew it she was standing in the first floor hallway
+of the modest building reading the names on the mail boxes. TRIS
+ROBISCHON. There it was. Third floor, Apartment C. Laura climbed the
+stairs.
+
+_What will I say to her!_ she asked herself. _How in God’s name will I
+explain this visit? Ask her for a dance lesson? Me?_ She had to smile at
+herself. Her long slim legs would never yield to the fluid grace and
+discipline of dancing.
+
+Laura stood uncertainly before the door of Apartment C, a little afraid
+to knock. She could hear the sounds of music inside—rather sharp,
+tormented music. Laura glanced at the card once again. It had been
+almost three weeks since the Indian girl had given it to her. Perhaps
+she wouldn’t even remember Laura. It might be embarrassing for them
+both. But then Laura envisioned that remarkable face, and she didn’t
+care how embarrassed she had to be to see it once again. She knocked.
+
+There was no response. She knocked again, hard. This time there was a
+scampering of feet and the music was abruptly shut off. Laura heard
+voices and realized with a sinking feeling that Tris wasn’t alone.
+
+Suddenly the door swung open. Laura was confronted with a young girl of
+twelve or so in a blue leotard. “Yes?” said the little girl. There were
+three or four others in the room in attitudes of relaxation, and then
+Tris appeared around a corner, wiping her wonderful face on a towel and
+coming quickly and smoothly toward the door. It was almost a
+self-conscious walk, as if she expected any caller to be a prospective
+pupil and had to demonstrate her talent even before she opened her mouth
+to speak.
+
+She stopped behind the young girl and looked up. Laura waited,
+speechless and awkward, until Tris smiled at her, without having said a
+word. “Come in,” she said.
+
+“I hope I’m not interrupting a class,” Laura said, hesitating.
+
+“It does not matter. You are welcome. Please come in.” Laura followed
+her into the room and Tris waved her to a seat. It was only a bench, set
+in a far corner of the room, but Laura went to it gratefully and sat
+there while Tris collected her charges and put them through a
+five-minute routine. It looked very pretty to Laura, although the Indian
+girl seemed dissatisfied.
+
+“You can do much better than that for our visitor, girls,” she said in
+her dainty English that Laura had nearly forgotten. It was a strange
+accent, like none Laura had ever heard; very precise and softly spoken,
+but not noticeably British or anything else. Laura puzzled over it,
+watching Tris move and demonstrate things to her students. She had on
+black tights and a small cotton knit bandeau that covered her breasts
+and shoulders but left her long supple midriff exposed. She was the same
+luscious tan from waist to bosom, and Laura, sitting there watching her,
+was helplessly fascinated by it; almost more by what she could see than
+by what she couldn’t.
+
+Tris gave two sharp claps with her hands suddenly. “That is all for
+today, girls,” she said, and they broke up quickly, running into another
+room to change their clothes. Tris turned to look at Laura. She simply
+looked at her without saying anything, a stare so frank and unabashed
+that Laura lowered her eyes in confusion, feeling the red blood come to
+her cheeks.
+
+“What is your name?” Tris asked her then, and Laura answered, surprised,
+“Laura.” _Of course, I’d forgotten. She doesn’t even know my name!_
+
+Laura looked up to find Tris studying her with a little smile. The girls
+began to file past saying goodnight to her. She smiled at one or
+another, touched their heads and shoulders, and spoke to some. In
+between little girls she watched Laura who felt rather like a specimen
+on exhibit.
+
+The studio was bare except for the bench, a record player next to it on
+the floor by Laura’s feet, and mirrors. The mirrors were everywhere,
+long and short, all over the walls. Most gave a full view of you to
+yourself. The room where the children dressed was furnished as a
+bedroom. Laura could see parts of it, and there were more mirrors in
+there. There was a swinging door, shut now, which apparently led to a
+kitchen. Laura gazed around her, trying to appear interested in it, so
+she wouldn’t have to look at Tris.
+
+The front door shut finally, rather conspicuously, and a small silence
+fell. They were alone.
+
+“You like my little studio, then?” said Tris.
+
+Laura dared to look at her then and found that the last child was
+certainly gone and the studio was empty. Awfully empty.
+
+“Yes, I like it,” she said. She felt the need to excuse her presence and
+she began hurriedly, “I hope you won’t think I—”
+
+But Tris never let her finish. “Shall I dance for you?” she said
+suddenly with such a luminous smile that Laura felt her whole body go
+warm with appreciation. She returned the smile. “Yes, please. If you
+would.”
+
+Tris walked to the record changer beside Laura, knelt, and slipped a
+record into place. Then she looked up at Laura, her eyes larger and
+greener than Laura remembered, and infinitely lovelier seen so close.
+She waited there, looking at her visitor, until the music began to flow.
+It was not harsh like the music Laura had heard through the door, but
+languid and rhythmical, perhaps even sentimental.
+
+Tris began to move so slowly at first that Laura was hardly aware that
+she was dancing. Her arms, long and tender and graceful, began to ripple
+subtly toward Laura, and then her head and body began to sway, and
+finally her strong legs, deceptively slim, moved under her and brought
+her, whirling slowly, to her feet.
+
+It was a strange dance that flowed and undulated. This marvelous body
+seemed to float and then to sink like mist, and at one point Laura had
+to shut her eyes for a minute, too thrilled to bear it. She wanted
+terribly to reach out, put her hands on Tris’s hips, and feel the rhythm
+move through her own body.
+
+The music stopped. Tris stood poised over Laura, looking down at her,
+and for a moment she remained there, balanced delicately and smiling.
+Laura felt a familiar surge of desire and she watched Tris like a cat
+watching a twitching string, ready to pounce if Tris made a sudden move.
+And yet afraid Tris might touch her and startle her passion into the
+open.
+
+But Tris relaxed as the needle began its monotonous scratch, and she
+turned off the machine. She sat on the floor then, grasping her
+black-sheathed knees in her arms, one hand holding the wrist of the
+other.
+
+“Did you like it?” she said, glancing up, and she seemed for a moment to
+be unsure and distant, as she had been in the dress shop.
+
+“I thought it was wonderful,” Laura said, herself a little shy. “I
+didn’t know dancing could be like that.”
+
+“Like what?” Tris demanded suspiciously.
+
+“Well—like—I don’t know. It was like nothing I’ve ever seen ... as if
+you were floating. It was beautiful.”
+
+Tris softened a little. “Thank you, Laura,” she said. And Laura felt a
+wild confusion of delight at the sound of her own name. “I dance very
+well,” Tris went on oddly. “There is no point in false modesty. I hate
+that sort of thing, don’t you? It’s so hypocritical. If you dance well,
+or do anything else well, say so. Be frank. I think men like a girl who
+is frank. Don’t you?”
+
+Laura was taken aback. “Oh, yes,” she affirmed quickly. But she stared.
+_She can’t be straight!_ she thought to herself, in a sudden agony of
+doubt. From the first she had taken it for granted that the lovely
+Indian girl was a Lesbian. It seemed so right, perhaps only because
+Laura wanted it that way. And too, Laura always prided herself on being
+able to tell if a girl were homosexual or not. She was sick at the
+thought that Tris might love men.
+
+Tris watched her, interested. “What are you thinking of?” she said.
+
+“Nothing,” Laura protested uneasily.
+
+“All right. I will not pry.” Tris smiled. “Will you have some tea with
+me?”
+
+“Thank you.” Laura was glad to ease the tension a little. Tris got up
+and she followed her through the swinging door into the kitchen.
+
+Tris made the tea while Laura watched her in a rapture of pleasure. “You
+moved so beautifully,” she blurted, and then blushed. “I—I mean, it
+shows in all your movements. Dancing, or walking, or just getting down
+the teacups.” She laughed. “I feel like a clumsy ox, watching you.”
+
+“You are wrong,” Tris said. “I have been watching you, too. You move
+well, Laura. You could learn to dance. Would you like to learn?”
+
+Laura looked away, confused and delighted but scared. “I’d be your worst
+pupil,” she said.
+
+“I find that hard to believe.”
+
+“It’s—probably very expensive.”
+
+“For you ...,” Tris shrugged and smiled, “nothing,” she said.
+
+Laura turned to look at her, surprised. “Nothing?” she repeated.
+
+“Or perhaps your friend ... the big one,” Tris added softly. “Perhaps
+she would be interested?”
+
+“Beebo?” Laura exclaimed. “Oh God no!”
+
+Tris handed her a cup quickly, as if to make her forget the suggestion.
+“Do you like me, Laura?” she said, her green eyes too close and her
+sweet skin redolent of jasmine.
+
+“Yes, Tris,” Laura said, saying her name for the first time and feeling
+the fine shivering return to her limbs.
+
+“Good.” Tris grinned at her. “That is payment enough.” Laura felt
+suddenly like she had better sit down or she would fall down. “You say
+my name now, that means you feel closer to me, hm?” Tris asked.
+
+“Yes. A little.” Laura gazed at her, completely confused, afraid to
+move, until Tris gave a little laugh.
+
+“Come, we’ll sit in the other room,” she said, and Laura once again
+followed her across the bare studio into the bedroom.
+
+The room was fitted up Indian fashion with rich red silk drapes on the
+bed. The bed itself was actually more of a low couch, very capacious,
+and covered with tumbled silk cushions. There were books and records
+scattered around, a couple of pillows on the floor to take the place of
+chairs, and a number of ashtrays.
+
+“This is my bedroom, my living room, my den, my playroom—whatever you
+want,” Tris said smiling, and sat down on the bed. “Come, don’t stand
+there looking afraid of me,” she said, “sit down.” And she patted the
+bed beside her.
+
+Laura came and sat there and as she did Tris lay back on the cushions
+and watched her. She put her tea on the floor while Laura held hers
+carefully, anxious about spilling it on the lush red silk.
+
+“Are you—are you Indian, Tris?” she asked awkwardly, turning to look at
+her.
+
+Tris crossed her black-sheathed legs. “Yes,” she said. “Half Indian, at
+least. My mother was Indian but my father was French.”
+
+“Did you grow up in India?”
+
+“Yes. In New Delhi. Have you been there?” Her clear eyes looked sharply
+at Laura.
+
+“No. I’ve never been anywhere,” Laura said. “Except New York and
+Chicago. I was born in Chicago.”
+
+“Is your family there?”
+
+“Just my father. He’s all the family I have.”
+
+“Do you see him often?”
+
+“I never see him.” She looked away, suddenly overwhelmed with the
+thought of her father. She had not seen him for two years. Not since she
+had gone to live with Beebo and admitted to him that she was a Lesbian.
+There had been a terrible scene. And then Laura had fled and Merrill
+Landon, for all she knew, had gone back to Chicago.
+
+“Is that where your roommate is from? Chicago?” Tris asked slowly.
+
+“No. Milwaukee.” Laura turned to frown at her and Tris, sensing her
+reticence, changed the subject. “Would you like to see my scrapbook?”
+she said. Before Laura could answer she was off the bed and searching
+for it among some books and papers across the room. She came back and
+sat next to Laura, spreading the green leather book open over their
+knees and putting an arm around Laura’s waist.
+
+“These were all taken six months ago,” she said. “This boy is German.
+Isn’t he handsome? I love blond hair. He’s wonderful looking.”
+
+He was indeed. Jack would have appreciated the view more than Laura, for
+he was young and muscular and nearly naked. His body had been oiled so
+that every smooth ripple on arms and back and tight hips and long legs
+was highlighted. He had a shock of rich blond hair and particularly
+handsome features, and he was shown in a number of poses: some that
+looked like Muscle Beach shots and others that seemed like dance
+positions.
+
+“He does dance,” Tris said, anticipating Laura’s question. “With me.
+He’s named Paul Cate. We have a lot of routines together. We are a sort
+of—_team_.”
+
+“Are you engaged?” Laura asked. It sounded ridiculous once it was said,
+but she found herself unreasonably jealous of the boy.
+
+Tris threw her head back and laughed. “Engaged!” she exclaimed. “He is a
+homosexual, Laura.”
+
+“A homosexual?” It sounded like fake innocence, even to Laura.
+
+But Tris was too amused to notice. “Yes, of course,” she said, still
+laughing. “Can you imagine two homosexuals getting married? Could
+anything be sillier? What would they do with each other?” And her
+laughter was too hard.
+
+Laura was shocked at her crude dismissal of the possibility of a
+homosexual marriage, which made her feel instantly protective and tender
+about Jack. But she had said, “Two homosexuals,” and Laura’s heart rose.
+“Are you gay, Tris?” she asked, almost in a whisper, afraid to look at
+her.
+
+“Not really.” Tris flipped the words at her casually, turning pages in
+the scrapbook and concentrating on them. Laura sensed embarrassment in
+her concentration.
+
+“Either you are or you aren’t,” Laura said, more boldly.
+
+“Then I’m not,” said Tris and startled her visitor. “If you force me to
+choose between black and white, I’m white,” she explained, and Laura
+thought she heard a double emphasis on the word “white.” “I like men.
+More than women.” Laura was cowed into bewildered silence.
+
+There were many enticing photographs of Tris. “The photographer is a
+friend of mine,” she told Laura with a smile. “He always makes me look
+good.” There was a series of her with the German boy, in dance poses.
+Tris was so lovely that Laura felt the gooseflesh rise up on her with
+Tris’s breathing in her ear and her warmth touching Laura’s arms.
+
+“You would think we were madly in love,” Tris said with a little laugh.
+“Oh, look at this one. This is my former husband.”
+
+Laura did look, hard. “You were married?” she said, unwilling to believe
+it.
+
+“Yes. To him. He is handsome, no?”
+
+“Yes.” He was pictured lying on his side, very much of a young athlete,
+with curly hair and an honest sort of face, a little like Jack’s
+long-lost Terry. He looked Irish. “Was he gay, Tris?”
+
+“Yes,” she said and the annoyance was plain in her voice. “It was an
+ugly mistake. We hated each other after we got married. Before that, we
+were the best of friends. So you see, I know what I am saying when I
+tell you gay marriages are hell.”
+
+Laura considered this in silence while Tris turned pages.
+
+“Have some dinner with me,” Tris said, piling the pictures on the floor
+at the foot of the bed.
+
+Laura looked at her watch. It was only seven. Beebo wouldn’t be home for
+another two hours.
+
+“I never cook,” Tris said, going across the room to pick up the phone.
+She began to order sandwiches, glancing at Laura for suggestions. “They
+bring them up from the corner shop,” she said when she hung up. Laura
+looked up at her from her seat on the bed, and Tris began to move
+slowly, undulating, as if she were musing on a dance.
+
+“Where did you learn to dance, Tris?” Laura asked her.
+
+“England. Where do you live?”
+
+“Cordelia Street. One-twenty-nine.”
+
+“With the big one? What did you say her name is?”
+
+Laura felt uncomfortable at the mention of her lover, and resentful of
+Tris’s curiosity about her. “Her name is Beebo,” she said rather
+sullenly.
+
+“Oh, yes—Beebo!” Tris laughed. “It almost sounds Indian,” she said. “Is
+she nice?”
+
+Laura shrugged. “I guess she is.”
+
+“You aren’t sure, hm?” Tris seemed amused. “Are you in love with her?”
+
+Laura was reluctant to say no, but determined not to say yes. “I—I was,”
+she admitted finally.
+
+“It is all over, then?”
+
+Laura didn’t like her bright-eyed interest. “We still live together,”
+she said defensively.
+
+“Does she still love you?”
+
+“Yes. Yes, she does,” Laura said sharply, looking Tris square in the
+eye.
+
+“I’m sorry,” Tris said softly, her gaze dropping. “I shouldn’t pry.”
+
+“There are better things to talk about than Beebo,” Laura said.
+
+The food came and they were both relieved to turn to something else.
+
+When the food was gone a quiet little interlude fell when Tris simply
+sat on the bed and watched Laura and Laura wandered idly around the
+room.
+
+There was a terrible growing excitement in Laura. She felt she must run,
+escape somehow, get out of the studio before she made a fool of herself
+and an enemy of Tris. She turned at last and looked down at Tris. There
+was only one lamp lit in the room, and in the pale pink light Tris
+looked even riper and lovelier than she did in bright daylight.
+
+“Tris, I—I have to go,” Laura said. “It’s getting late. I had a lovely
+time....”
+
+“Then why go?”
+
+“I must. I shouldn’t have come, really.”
+
+“Will Beebo be angry with you?”
+
+“She isn’t home yet.”
+
+“Then you don’t have to go yet. I’ll bet she has a fine temper.” She
+waited for an answer, but Laura ignored her remark. She was thinking
+only of the possibility of staying longer. Her heart fluttered with the
+temptation. She was afraid of Beebo and yet, in another way, even more
+afraid of Tris.
+
+“Come sit beside me,” Tris urged her, whispering. And Laura, unable to
+refuse her, came slowly toward the bed, as if she were in a trance, and
+sat down. Tris leaned back into the pillows, her hand on Laura’s arm,
+and pulled Laura after her.
+
+Laura lay on her back next to Tris for a while, breathing softly,
+nervously aware of the sound of her breath. She held herself in as if
+she expected to explode. She was tense and the sweat rolled down her
+body, and yet she was happy, very happy.
+
+They lay that way for some time, silent, gazing at the ceiling, neither
+one speaking, yet neither able to relax. At last Tris took Laura’s hand
+in her own warm brown one and said, “You’re afraid of me, aren’t you,
+Laura?”
+
+There was a slight pause, almost a panic, while Laura tried to collect
+herself. “Yes,” she mumbled at last.
+
+“Why?”
+
+“You’re so beautiful....” Laura fumbled.
+
+“Does beauty frighten you?”
+
+“Yes. I don’t know why. Maybe because I never had it.”
+
+Tris chuckled, a sweet throaty sound, and said, “Who ever told you
+that?” And it occurred to Laura, strangely, that Tris spoke without any
+accent at all. It sounded clear and plain, like Laura’s own English. But
+it was only a quick impression and it passed. She thought Tris was
+teasing her, imitating her.
+
+“Don’t kid me,” she said.
+
+“Take your hair down, Laura,” Tris said, her fingers playing with the
+prim bun at the back of Laura’s head. Her hair had grown so long—Beebo
+wouldn’t let her cut it—that she was obliged to roll it up one way or
+another in the back. It hung nearly to her waist when it was loose. She
+took the pins out of it now, raising herself on one elbow to accomplish
+the job. Tris helped her and the roll of hair came free suddenly and
+fell around Laura’s shoulders like silk streamers, pale gold and
+scented. Tris took a handful of it, pressing it to her face.
+
+“How lovely!” she exclaimed. “Lovely blond hair....”
+
+She put her hands on Laura’s shoulders and pushed her down into the
+pillows, bending over her to study her face. “I think you’re very
+pretty,” she said, and made Laura smile.
+
+“I don’t believe you,” she said.
+
+“I’ll bet Beebo thinks you’re very pretty, too.”
+
+“Please, Tris. Let’s not talk about Beebo.”
+
+Tris leaned down and kissed her forehead very softly. “Now do you
+believe me?” she asked.
+
+Laura stared at her, her heart suddenly pounding. “No,” she said in a
+whisper.
+
+Tris kissed her cheeks, so lightly that Laura could hardly feel it.
+“Now?” she said.
+
+“No,” Laura breathed.
+
+And Tris kissed her lips. Laura lay beneath her, too thrilled to move,
+only letting the lovely shock flow through her body and closing her eyes
+to feel it better. At last Tris moved away—only a breath away—and she
+said, “Now?”
+
+“Tris ...” she murmured and all the melody of suppressed passion sang in
+the name. Her hands went up to Tris’s bare arms, over the bandeau and
+down that silky midriff, and then they went around Tris’s waist and
+pulled her close and kissed her.
+
+It was a long kiss, so leisurely, so lovely, that Laura never wanted it
+to end. And when it did she followed Tris, laughing, all over the bed,
+kissing her wherever she could reach her, feeling Tris’s fine body move
+beneath her hands and the fire of her own longing bursting in her bosom.
+
+Suddenly Tris got off the bed and stood looking at Laura and trying to
+catch her breath. “No,” she said. “No! That’s enough! It’s late.”
+
+Laura stared at her, amazed. “What do you mean?” she asked. “Tris, come
+here. Come to me. Don’t do this to me. Tris!”
+
+But Tris pulled her off the bed with sudden strength.
+
+“Tris, it’s only nine-thirty,” Laura said.
+
+“Nine-thirty? Is it that late? Laura, you must excuse me.” She was
+transformed. All the play and warmth had gone out of her.
+
+“But—” Laura began, but Tris interrupted sharply, “Time for you to go
+home to Beebo.” There was no smile on her face.
+
+Laura looked at her incredulously a minute longer, her cheeks burning,
+and then she smoothed her clothes out with lowered eyes. She was too
+proud and too hurt to speak. She walked noiselessly to one of the
+mirrors, taking her purse with her, and ran a comb through her long
+hair.
+
+She stared at herself—her flushed face and trembling fingers, her body
+so ready for love only moments ago and now weak with denial and outraged
+nerves. Two feet of unpinned hair hung down her back to remind her of
+Tris’s admiration. But it would take five minutes to get it up again
+properly.
+
+Laura looked into the mirror over her own shoulder at Tris, who was
+standing on one foot and then the other, bent forward slightly and
+obviously waiting for Laura to get out of her way. What secret
+activities would occupy her as soon as she got rid of Laura? Her
+impatience was audible in her sharp breathing. Laura dared not risk her
+displeasure by taking the time to wind up her hair. She simply turned
+and walked out of the bedroom without a backward glance, without a word.
+
+At the front door her heart jumped when Tris called after her. Laura
+turned to find her running lightly across the bare studio and she
+waited, holding her feelings in warily.
+
+Tris stopped at the door. “I’m sorry,” she said self-consciously. “I
+didn’t know it was so late. I have something to do tonight, it slipped
+my mind.”
+
+Laura looked at her haughtily. “Goodnight, Tris,” was all she said. When
+she turned to walk down the stairs Tris added, “Say hello to your
+bad-tempered roommate for me.”
+
+Incensed, Laura almost ran out the door below.
+
+
+
+
+                                   4
+
+
+Laura walked home as full of hope as of frustration and anger. Tris had
+treated her badly but she had treated her beautifully too. With a little
+start of alarm, Laura knew she was falling in love. Maybe it was worse
+than that already.
+
+It was a dark soft night with no moon, only the dozens of quiet yellow
+streetlights. Her heels rang against the cement sidewalk as she turned
+down Cordelia Street and she left the world outside with regret when she
+opened her apartment door.
+
+She knew Beebo would be there by now. _If she’s only not drunk_, she
+thought to herself. “Beebo?” she called aloud. She heard a little groan
+from the bedroom and went toward it with a sinking feeling. _She
+couldn’t be drunk already. She’d only been home forty-five minutes.
+Unless she cut work again. God forbid!_
+
+Laura walked across the living room slowly, in no hurry to face the
+argument that would result if Beebo was full of whiskey and had been
+sitting there fuming because Laura was late. Beebo would have been
+phoning all over the neighborhood for her—a practice Laura abhorred but
+couldn’t break her of. She touched her long loose hair nervously,
+wondering what Beebo would say when she saw it.
+
+Laura pushed open the bedroom door. The first thing she saw was Nix—Nix,
+lying on the floor with his belly slit open from jaws to tail. Beside
+him was a crimson chef’s knife. Laura recognized it from the kitchen.
+
+She stared at him for a full ten seconds in a paralysis of horror. Then
+she screamed with a force she had never suspected in herself. She turned
+back to the wall with her hands over her face and sobbed with all her
+strength. And while her face was hidden she heard another groan and knew
+it was Beebo, and she was too terrified even to open her eyes and look.
+
+“Beebo?” she whispered, and her voice was rough with fear. “Beebo?”
+
+Another sickening groan, and suddenly Beebo’s voice saying confusedly,
+“Laura? Baby, where are you? Laura....” It faded out and Laura brought
+her hands away from her face quickly and looked around the room,
+carefully avoiding Nix. Beebo was on the bed.
+
+Her clothes were torn—what few she still had on. Her shirt was in shreds
+and the jacket appeared to be ripped down the back, though she was lying
+on most of it and Laura couldn’t be sure. She had nothing on from the
+waist down and there were several ugly bruises on her body. Laura felt
+nausea well in her. Beebo’s face was not so badly hurt. There was a cut
+over one eye that was beginning to swell but that seemed to be all.
+Laura clapped her hands over her mouth and stood weaving by the bed,
+afraid to leave and afraid to stay, feeling the sandwiches she had just
+shared with Tris like a load of poison in her stomach. Until Beebo
+opened her eyes and looked at her.
+
+“Laura!” she said, with such passionate relief that Laura went to her
+instantly and threw her arms around her and wept.
+
+She could feel Beebo’s tears on her face and she hugged her tight in a
+frenzy of sympathy and sorrow and whispered over and over, “Beebo,
+darling. Beebo, darling.”
+
+It was a long time before either of them made sense; a long time before
+either could speak. Laura finally raised herself on one elbow so she
+could see Beebo better.
+
+“What’s the matter with me?” she said softly. “I should be taking care
+of you. Crying isn’t going to do you any good.” She started to get up
+but Beebo caught her, and Laura was heartened to feel the strength in
+her arms.
+
+“Stay with me, baby,” she said, almost fiercely.
+
+“Let me clean you up, Beebo. Let me make you comfortable. Please,
+sweetheart.”
+
+“Laura, I don’t need anything but you. Just let me feel you lying beside
+me and I’ll get over it somehow. I won’t lose my mind. If you’ll just
+stay with me. Please.”
+
+There were tears in her voice and rather than make her more miserable,
+Laura obeyed. She put her arms around Beebo and cuddled against her in a
+way she had almost forgotten.
+
+“Beebo, can you talk about it, darling? Can you tell me what happened?”
+
+“Not now. Not yet.”
+
+“I think you ought to see a doctor. You’ve got some awful-looking
+bruises.”
+
+“You’re my doctor.”
+
+“Beebo, I’m scared. I don’t even know what happened to you. I want to
+call a doctor,” she said urgently.
+
+“I don’t _need_ a doctor,” Beebo declared.
+
+“Please tell me what happened,” Laura pleaded. She lay at the edge of
+the bed, her face away from the floor and the grisly spectacle of the
+little dog she had never liked very well and now felt such a horrified
+pity for.
+
+“It’s an old story,” Beebo said, her voice tired and bitter, but
+curiously resigned. “I don’t know why it didn’t happen to me years
+sooner. Nearly every butch I know gets it one way or another. Sooner or
+later they catch up with you.”
+
+“Who catches up with you?”
+
+“The goddam sonofabitch toughs who think it’s smart to pick fights with
+Lesbians. They ask you who the hell do you think you are, going around
+in pants all the time. They say if you’re going to wear pants and act
+like a man you can damn well fight like a man. And they jump you for
+laughs.... God.”
+
+Her hand went up to her face which was contorted with remembered pain
+and fury. After a silence of several minutes while she composed herself
+a little she resumed briefly, “So they jumped me. They followed me home,
+hollering all the way. I hollered back. I—I was pretty tight and it was
+pretty noisy. I should have been more careful. I shouldn’t have brought
+them here, but I knew you wouldn’t be home so soon.... I didn’t work
+today, baby.” She said it guiltily, and Laura knew it meant she had
+spent the day at Julian’s or the Cellar or one of the other homosexual
+bars. But she didn’t condemn her or shout, “You’ll lose your job!” as
+she would have another time. She only listened in silence.
+
+“So anyway,” Beebo said, after an awkward pause, “I came home early.
+About four-thirty, I guess. They just followed me in. Oh, I got in the
+apartment all right and slammed the door and locked it. But one of them
+came up the fire escape and he let the others in. Gave me this.” She
+pointed to the cut under her eye, and Laura kissed it. “I thought I’d
+gotten rid of them, baby, but those bastards followed me right up here
+and tried to prove what men they are.” She spat the words out as if they
+had a bad taste and then she stopped, looking at Laura to see how she
+was taking it. And Laura, lying next to her and holding her tight, was
+overwhelmed with helpless anger and pity and even a sort of love for
+Beebo.
+
+Beebo felt Laura clinging to her and the flow of sympathy warmed and
+encouraged her. Finally she said, softly, as if the whole thing had been
+her fault and she was ashamed of it, “I’m not a virgin any more, Laura.
+Don’t ever let a man touch you.” She said it vehemently, her fingers
+digging into the submissive girl at her side and her hurt face turned to
+Laura’s. Laura let out a little sob and pulled closer to her.
+
+“Beebo, darling,” she said in a broken voice, “I can’t stand to think of
+it. I can’t stand to think of how it must have hurt. I know I’m a
+coward, I can’t help it.” And then, in her anxiety to heal the bitter
+misery of it, she blurted, “I love you, Beebo.”
+
+Beebo pulled her very close and lifted her face and kissed it
+delicately, almost reverently, for a very long time. At last she
+whispered, her lips against Laura’s lips, “I adore you, Laura. You’re my
+life. Stay with me, stay with me, don’t ever leave me. I can stand this,
+I can stand anything, if you’re with me. Swear you’ll stay with me,
+darling.”
+
+Laura’s voice stuck in her throat. She couldn’t refuse. And yet she knew
+full well she would be swearing to a lie. It made her hide her face in
+painful indecision for a moment.
+
+“Swear,” Beebo demanded imperiously. “Swear, Laura!”
+
+“I swear,” Laura sobbed. She felt Beebo relax then with a sigh, running
+her hands through Laura’s hair.
+
+Beebo gave a faint little laugh. “I never thought anything so rotten
+ugly could have a good side,” she murmured. “But if it’s brought us back
+together, I’m glad it happened. It was worth it.”
+
+Laura was shocked. Beebo sounded a little unbalanced. “You can’t be
+grateful for anything that horrible, Beebo,” she protested. “You
+_can’t_, not if you’re in your right mind.”
+
+“You can if you’re as much in love as I am!” Beebo said, looking at her.
+Laura was shamed into silence.
+
+After a little while, Laura raised herself on an elbow. “Beebo, I’m
+going to call a doctor.”
+
+“You’re going to do no such goddam silly thing.”
+
+Laura lost her patience. “Now you listen to me, you stubborn idiot!” she
+exclaimed. “You’ve been badly hurt. It’s just madness not to have
+medical help, Beebo. You know that as well as I do. Don’t argue with
+me!” She cut Beebo off as she was about to protest. “Besides,” Laura
+went on, “you might want to prosecute them. How could you prove anything
+without medical evidence?”
+
+“_Prosecute?_” Beebo stared at her and then she gave a short, sharp
+laugh. “Are you kidding? Who’s going to mourn for the lost virtue of a
+Lesbian? What lawyer is going to make a case for a poor queer gone
+wrong? Everybody will think I got what I deserved.”
+
+Laura stared at her, disbelieving. “Beebo,” she said finally, as if she
+were explaining a simple fact to a slow beginner, “you don’t go into
+court and say, ‘I am a Lesbian.’ You don’t go to a lawyer and say it.
+You don’t say it to _anybody_, you nut! You say, ‘I’m a poor innocent
+girl and I was criminally assaulted and hurt and raped and I have
+medical proof of it and I can identify the man who did it!’”
+
+Beebo turned on her side and laughed, and her laughter made Laura want
+to weep. “Not man, Bo-peep,” she said when she got her breath. “_Men._
+Bastards, every last one. There were four of them.”
+
+Laura moaned, an involuntary sound of revulsion.
+
+“No thanks, baby,” Beebo said, her voice suddenly tired. “I’ve got
+enough trouble in the world without advertising that I’m gay. I always
+knew this would happen and I always knew what I’d do about it ... just
+exactly nothing. Because there’s nothing I _can_ do. It’s part of the
+crazy life I live. A sort of occupational hazard, you might say.”
+
+Laura pleaded with her. “I just want to be sure they didn’t do you some
+awful harm you don’t know about, darling!” she said. “I’m no doctor, I
+can’t give you anything but bandaids and sponge baths and love.”
+
+“That’s all in the world I want, baby,” Beebo smiled. “I’ll get well in
+no time.”
+
+But Laura was too genuinely frightened to let it go at that. “What if
+they come back?” she asked. “Then they’d get us both.”
+
+“No, they wouldn’t,” Beebo said and her face became hard. “Because I’d
+kill any man who laid a hand on you. Any man. I don’t care how. I
+wouldn’t ask any questions. I’d do it with whatever was handy—a knife or
+my own hands.” Laura started, staring at her. “No man will ever touch
+you, Laura, and live. I swear.”
+
+Laura went pale, wondering how Beebo would react to a marriage between
+herself and Jack; wondering how much violence she was capable of. “All
+right, Beebo,” she said. “Will you—just tell me one thing? Why won’t you
+see a doctor?”
+
+Beebo turned away from her then, petulant as a child. “I haven’t seen a
+doctor in twenty years, Bo-peep,” she said.
+
+“Why?”
+
+Beebo sighed. “Because they might find out I’m a woman,” she said
+quietly.
+
+Laura covered her face with her hands and cried in silence. It was
+futile. Beebo _was_ a woman, no matter how many pairs of pants hung in
+her closet, no matter how she swaggered or swore. And while she could
+fool some people into thinking she was a boy, there were a lot more she
+couldn’t fool, and to them she looked foolish and rather pathetic. But
+Beebo was too sick to argue with. Laura was afraid of the way she
+talked, of the harsh way she laughed.
+
+“We’ll talk about it in the morning,” she said.
+
+“We won’t talk about it at all,” Beebo said, facing the wall, her back
+to Laura. “Where were you tonight, Laura?”
+
+Laura swallowed convulsively before she could answer. “I was at the
+movies,” she said.
+
+She waited for Beebo to question her further, but there was no
+questioning.
+
+“I guess I’d better wash,” Beebo said. She rolled over and looked at
+Laura. “Do you really love me, baby?” she asked, and her eyes were deep
+and clouded.
+
+“Yes,” said Laura with a sad little smile, afraid to say anything else.
+
+Beebo gazed at her for a while, returning the smile. “Thank God,” she
+whispered, her hand caressing Laura’s shoulder. And then she said,
+“Where’s Nix?” She started to get out of bed but Laura stopped her.
+
+“They hurt him, Beebo,” she stammered.
+
+“Hurt him? How?”
+
+“They—darling, I don’t know how to tell you—please, Beebo!” she cried in
+sudden fear as Beebo pushed past her. She stopped at the edge of the
+bed, staring with huge eyes at her little pet.
+
+“I didn’t realize—it was so bad,” Beebo blurted inanely.
+
+“He’s dead,” Laura whispered.
+
+“Oh. Oh, that was too much. Too much....” Beebo stared at him, her face
+almost stupid with sorrow. She didn’t scream as Laura had, or turn away
+sick. She just gaped at him for a while with Laura clinging to her and
+murmuring, “It’s all right, darling, it’s all right,” because she didn’t
+know what else to say.
+
+Beebo got off the bed and went to him, kneeling beside the ruined little
+body, and picked him up in her arms.
+
+Beebo looked at Laura with the blood running all over her and there was
+grief on her face. “He was just a dog,” she moaned. “Such a little dog.
+There was nothing queer about _him_!... And he could talk, too.” She
+almost shouted it and Laura waited, trembling, for her to move.
+
+“He was so sweet, Laura,” she said with tears coursing down her face.
+“You never liked him much, but he was such a good dog.”
+
+“I loved him, Beebo, he was a part of your life,” Laura protested
+anxiously.
+
+But Beebo ignored it. It was half a lie, spoken in affection, but still
+a lie. “I could always talk to him and it seemed as if he understood,”
+Beebo said. “I know you thought I was crazy. But there were times when I
+had to talk to somebody and there wasn’t anybody. Only Nix. I had him
+for seven years ... since he was six weeks old.” And she clutched him to
+her and wept and Laura looked at her, all bloodied and heartbroken, and
+thought, _She feels worse about the dog than about herself_.
+
+“Now that he’s gone ... at least we’ll have one less thing to fight
+about.” Beebo looked very pale and odd. “Won’t we, baby?” she said.
+
+“I—I guess so,” Laura said. _She’s cracked!_ she thought. She went into
+the living room then, leaving Beebo alone for a few minutes, and called
+Jack. He was alone.
+
+“Jack, I don’t know how to tell you. I—they raped Beebo.” Her voice was
+low and shaky.
+
+Jack wasn’t sure whether she was kidding or not. He wasn’t even sure he
+heard her right. “Lucky bitch,” he said. “I wish they’d rape me instead.
+I’m never in the right place at the right time.”
+
+“I’m serious, Jack.”
+
+And when he heard the catch in her throat he believed her. “_Who_ raped
+her, sweetheart?” he said, and the levity was dead gone from him.
+
+“She doesn’t know. Some hoods. God knows who they were.”
+
+“Did you call a doctor?”
+
+“She won’t let me!” Laura’s voice rose with indignation. “Of all the
+nonsense I ever heard in my life! She’s afraid the doctor will find out
+she’s a female. I think we’re all going crazy—” But she felt Beebo’s
+hand then taking the phone from her, and she surrendered it without
+arguing and went to the couch and collapsed.
+
+“Jack?” Beebo said. “I’m all right. It looks worse than it really is.
+I’ll live.” The front of her was sticky with Nix’s blood.
+
+“You talk like it happens all the time,” Jack said with scolding
+sympathy. “Like getting you teeth drilled, or something.”
+
+Beebo smiled wryly. “How is it you always know just what to say to a
+girl, Jackson? Make her feel real swell?”
+
+“How is it that you’re such a goddam prude you won’t let a doctor
+examine you? The doctor doesn’t give a damn what sex you are.”
+
+“They killed Nix.” She threw it at him unexpectedly, silencing him about
+the doctor. And she described him with such detail that Laura didn’t
+want to listen. She got up and went into the bedroom to escape the
+conversation.
+
+Beebo joined Laura on the bed ten minutes later, wearing her men’s
+cotton pajamas. Laura was too tired and weak to move. Beebo undressed
+her where she lay on the bed and dragged her under the covers naked.
+
+“I don’t know what to do with Nix,” she said. “I’ll have to figure
+something out in the morning.”
+
+They lay in each other’s arms, absorbed in their own thoughts. Laura’s
+mind was a potpourri of vivid impressions. She would never forget the
+bloody little dog, nor the fragrant skin of the Indian dancer, nor
+Beebo’s misery, nor those sinfully sweet kisses she stole from Tris....
+
+“Jack’s coming over tomorrow,” Beebo said in her ear.
+
+“Good.”
+
+“Why ‘good’?”
+
+“He’ll help us. He’ll make you see a doctor and he’ll do something about
+Nix. I don’t know, I just feel better with him around.”
+
+“If I didn’t know for goddam sure how gay you are, baby, I’d hate that
+guy.”
+
+Laura had to laugh. “Beebo, if you get jealous of Jack I’ll send you to
+a head shrinker.”
+
+“Okay, okay, I know it’s nuts. But you talk about him all the time.”
+
+“I’m very fond of Jack. You know that. He brought us together, darling.”
+And she said it so gently that Beebo clasped her tighter and was
+reassured.
+
+Laura slept, finally. But Beebo could not. She spent the night with her
+arms around Laura, taking her only comfort in Laura’s nearness and the
+sudden apparent return of her affection.
+
+                   *       *       *       *       *
+
+Jack came at eight-thirty. It was a Saturday morning and he had the day
+to spend. With his usual detachment he wrapped Nix up while Beebo was
+dressing. He carted him down the stairs in a garbage pail and left him
+for the morning pickup in a trash bin, well hidden in a shroud of
+papers. When Beebo came into the kitchen a few minutes later he just
+said, “He’s gone. Don’t ask me about it, Beebo. It’s all over.” He found
+it almost as hard to talk about as she did.
+
+“Damn you, Jack,” Beebo said feebly. But she was glad he had done it for
+her. She felt lousy. All the excitement and anger that had sustained her
+the night before were gone, leaving a lassitude and nausea that swept
+over her in waves. Laura made her go back to bed and fed her breakfast
+from a tray.
+
+“Don’t leave me, baby,” Beebo begged and Laura promised to stay near by.
+But as soon as Beebo had swallowed a little food and kept it down, she
+fell asleep, and Jack pulled Laura to her feet and dragged her,
+whispering protests, into the kitchen.
+
+“How can I talk to you in there?” he demanded and fixed them both some
+coffee.
+
+Laura drank in silence, listening to his rambling talk with one ear,
+gratefully. She thought of Tris and wondered whether to confess to Jack
+about the dancer or keep it a secret. She knew he wouldn’t like it.
+
+“Beebo acted kind of crazy last night,” Laura said. “I think she felt
+worse about Nix than about herself.”
+
+“No doubt she did. But pretty soon she’ll feel her own aches and pains.
+Maybe I can find her another hound somewhere. I just hope to God she
+doesn’t use this thing to make a prisoner of you, Mother.”
+
+“A prisoner?”
+
+“She was getting pretty desperate about you, you know. I think that has
+a lot to do with all the drinking.”
+
+Laura realized then that he didn’t put a shot of booze in his coffee.
+“You’re still on the wagon!” she said.
+
+He swirled his coffee reflectively. “I remember,” he said, “when Terry
+was giving me the works a few months back. I nearly drank myself to
+extinction. Beebo’s not above trying it herself.”
+
+“Oh, God, that was awful!” Laura said, remembering Terry.
+
+Terry had been enough to drive a strong man mad. If he had been nasty
+about it Jack could have stood it better. He could have preserved his
+self-respect and he might have had the strength to kick Terry out sooner
+than he did. But Terry was nice. He was delightful and cooperative. He
+was unfaithful, he was taking every cent Jack made as Jack made it, and
+he was hardly ever home.
+
+But Jack was in love with him; angrily in love with the wrong person,
+sticking to a doomed attachment as if every new shock and every
+unexpected pain only strengthened his need for the boy.
+
+Jack knew it was hopeless. He knew it was draining his strength and
+making a coward of him. In his mind the whole sad farce of the thing was
+perfectly clear. But he acted on his emotions in spite of himself, and
+as long as Terry loved him he couldn’t let him go.
+
+Curiously enough, Terry did love him. Jack was home base to him; Jack
+was security. Jack paid the bills and bolstered him when he was low, and
+no matter how rough and rotten the rest of the world might get, good old
+Jack was always there, always the same.
+
+But the end had to come. There was never enough money, there was never
+enough understanding, there was never enough of the right kind of love.
+It took just one sharp explosion of acid resentment one night, when Jack
+caught Terry cheating after two years of bitter suspicions, to blow them
+apart. It was almost too painful to think about afterwards.
+
+It was over now, of course. Terry was gone. But the ache for him and the
+loneliness, even the desire to be tormented remained.
+
+“You never heard from Terry, did you?” Laura asked.
+
+“No. He took his things and left and I haven’t heard from him since.
+Makes me think he must have left New York.”
+
+“Do you still want him?” She asked it not to hurt him but because she
+knew he had to say it now and then or die of it.
+
+“Of course I want him,” he said briefly. “Drink your coffee. Your
+patient is howling for attention.”
+
+
+
+
+                                   5
+
+
+_Three weeks_, Laura wrote in her diary, sitting in the living room
+while Beebo slept. _Three weeks of this, and if it goes on much longer
+I’ll end up hating her. I felt so sorry for her at first. It was such a
+cruel thing and it hurt her terribly. But she’s well now—I know she is.
+She’s lying around getting fat and drinking like a fish and not working.
+If she doesn’t get back to work soon I’ll lose my mind. And she’ll lose
+her job for sure. They’ve been calling all week._
+
+Laura hadn’t minded being a nurse at first. She tended Beebo gently and
+made her rest and, being unsure herself and hounded by her patient to
+forget it, she never did call a doctor. But Beebo seemed to come out of
+it fast. Physically the scars healed quickly. At the end of a week she
+was up and around. She hadn’t had a drink since the day it happened, and
+she talked about going back to work the next Monday.
+
+But then Laura came home late one evening and she found Beebo drunk.
+
+“Where the hell have you been?” Beebo shouted at her when Laura came in
+and found her in the kitchen. “I’m sick and miserable, I’ve just been
+through hell, and you can’t even come home from work to make my dinner
+for me.”
+
+Confronted with such a bombardment of nonsense, Laura wouldn’t even
+answer her. She undressed and took a shower, but Beebo followed her into
+the bathroom and went right on yelling. Laura had pulled the shower
+curtain but Beebo opened it and watched her bathe.
+
+“Laura,” she said, “where were you?” No answer. “Tell me. _Tell_ me,
+damn it!” It was an order.
+
+“Ask me like a civilized human being, then,” Laura said, turning around
+to rinse her soapy back.
+
+“I’ll ask you any way I goddam please. I have a right to know.”
+
+Laura turned the water off and eyed her coldly. “I had dinner with
+Jack,” she said. “He dropped in after work.”
+
+“I don’t believe you.”
+
+“Call him.” She stepped out of her bath, cool and dripping and haughty
+as a princess, and Beebo burned for her.
+
+“I don’t believe a word he says. He always lies for you. No matter what
+I ask him he’s always got an answer. I used to like the guy, but Jesus,
+it’s gotten so I can’t trust him any more. He’s always on your side.”
+
+Laura wrapped herself in a towel and began to rub herself, but Beebo
+suddenly put her whiskey down and clasped her in a bear hug.
+
+“Laura, darling, I felt so rotten today. And I looked forward so much to
+having you home. It’s so quiet and lonesome around here all day without
+Nix. I nearly go mad. Baby, I know I’ve taken up a lot of your time, but
+I couldn’t help it. I didn’t _ask_ those bastards to rape me.”
+
+Laura relaxed slightly in the embrace, since she couldn’t squirm out of
+it. “You felt better today, not worse, Beebo. You told me so this
+morning.”
+
+“That was this morning. I got worse this afternoon,” she said
+petulantly.
+
+“You got worse at exactly five-thirty when I was fifteen minutes late.”
+
+“Where _were_ you?”
+
+“With Jack. Beebo, you’ve been drinking. You promised me you wouldn’t.”
+
+“If you’d been home I wouldn’t have to!” Beebo released her abruptly,
+picked up the whiskey glass with a swoop of her hand, and defiantly
+finished what was in it.
+
+Laura cinched the towel around herself and approached Beebo. “Do you
+know what you’re saying, you nut?” she said. “You big fool? Beebo,
+answer me!” But Beebo turned her back and watched Laura with glittering
+eyes in the mirror on the medicine chest.
+
+“You’re saying that you can’t stay sober without me, Beebo. Do you
+realize that?”
+
+“I can’t stay sober if you don’t love me, Laura.”
+
+“Oh, damn you, Beebo!” Laura almost wept with frustration. “You’re only
+saying that to make me feel guilty. To put the blame on _me_ instead of
+on yourself where it belongs! I didn’t give you your first drink, God
+knows. I don’t ply you with liquor. You’ve fixed it with your conscience
+so no matter when you get drunk it’s my fault. No matter how much you
+drink, you’re only drinking because Laura is such a bitch. Well, I won’t
+buy it! It’s a damn plot to make a prisoner of me!”
+
+“A prisoner! Now where did little Bo-peep get that fancy idea?” Beebo’s
+eyes were narrow and sharp in spite of the whiskey. Her anger brought
+clarity with it. “That sounds like the kind of propaganda Jack would
+spout.”
+
+“No—” Laura began, but Beebo silenced her with a menacing wave of her
+hand. Laura found herself trapped against the bathroom door.
+
+Beebo put a hand up on the door on either side of Laura and looked down
+at her. “Now, suppose you just tell me what Jack said,” she said.
+
+“What makes you think Jack said it? I can think for myself and you know
+it. And I _am_ a prisoner here!”
+
+“You can’t think for yourself when Jack’s around. That bastard is the
+Pied Piper of Greenwich Village. He opens his yap and all the little
+fairies listen pop-eyed to whatever he has to say. Including you.”
+
+Laura looked at her and found herself caught by Beebo’s spell again.
+Beebo was born to lose her temper. She looked wonderful when she did. It
+exasperated Laura to feel a bare animal desire for her at times like
+this.
+
+“Jack said it. Come on. Jack said it, didn’t he?” Beebo insisted.
+
+“All right!” Laura almost screamed. “Jack said it!”
+
+She looked up at Beebo with embarrassed desire and to make her shame
+complete, Beebo saw it. And she knew she was in command again, even if
+only for an hour or so. Beebo was learning to live for those hours. The
+rest of the time nothing much mattered.
+
+Beebo shifted support of her leaning body from her arms to Laura, lifted
+up Laura’s angry helpless face and kissed it. “Why aren’t you like this
+all the time?” she asked. And Laura startled her when she echoed, “Why
+aren’t _you_ like this all the time?”
+
+“Like what, baby? Drunk?”
+
+“No ...,” Laura hesitated. She didn’t quite understand what she meant
+herself.
+
+“Mad?” Beebo asked.
+
+“I don’t know.”
+
+Beebo laughed. “If it’ll help I’ll get mad and stay mad, Bo-peep. I’ll
+get drunk and stay drunk. Would you like that?” She interspersed her
+words with kisses.
+
+“No. I just—I hate it when you act like a spoiled brat, Beebo.”
+
+“I never act like a spoiled brat.” Her voice was little more than a
+whisper now.
+
+They sank to the floor where they were and made love then.
+
+And even after Laura had finally fallen asleep, in her arms, Beebo felt
+a tide of renewed passion. She caressed Laura’s hair and back with her
+hands and thought, _If it can be this good it’s not over_.
+
+                   *       *       *       *       *
+
+Laura had left work meaning to go straight home. But as before she
+hadn’t gone far when she knew she was headed for Tris’s little studio.
+
+Tris opened the door herself. She had evidently been practicing for she
+was dressed in tights and breathing hard. Her black hair was smoothed
+over her head, caught in back with a clasp and braided. The braid, heavy
+and shining, hung halfway down her back and swung like a whip when she
+whirled.
+
+Tris paused for a moment when she saw Laura on her threshold and for an
+awful second Laura thought she might turn her away. But Tris smiled
+suddenly and said, “Laura. How nice. Please come in.”
+
+“I just dropped by to say hello,” Laura apologized.
+
+“That is not all, I hope?” Tris said, looking at her.
+
+Laura felt an odd little twist of excitement. “Well ... I shouldn’t
+stay. I don’t want to interrupt your work.”
+
+“Of course you do. That’s why you came,” Tris said, spinning
+reflectively in place, her weight shifting delicately to pull her around
+and around.
+
+Laura didn’t know if she was being scolded or teased, if she should
+leave or stay. Tris stopped twirling and said, “I’m glad you came. I
+didn’t want to work any more anyway.”
+
+Laura hesitated, wondering whether to believe her. But when Tris walked
+across the room to her and kissed her cheek she melted suddenly with
+pleasure. She stood quietly and let herself be kissed, afraid to return
+the compliment. She was very unsure of herself with Tris. Even the
+gentlest gesture seemed to irritate the dancer sometimes. Laura could
+only let her take the lead.
+
+Tris turned away abruptly, her mood shifting. “Well, now you are here,”
+she said in her careful English. “What would you like to do?” It was a
+sort of challenge.
+
+“I—I’d like to see you dance, Tris. Would you dance for me?”
+
+“No.” She was pouting. “You are my excuse for not dancing any more
+today, Laura.”
+
+“Maybe we could just talk for a little while, then.”
+
+“We could ... but we won’t.”
+
+Laura was at a loss for words. She stammered a little and finally she
+blurted, “I think you’d rather have me go home.”
+
+“I think Beebo would like you home more than I would. She doesn’t let
+you out very often, does she?”
+
+Laura colored. “She’s not my jailkeeper,” she said.
+
+“I don’t like this—this interference you force me to make in your love
+affair, Laura,” Tris said and surprised her guest. “I don’t know your
+Beebo, but I have nothing against her. Still, I do not imagine she will
+like _me_ very well if she finds out you are my guest now and then.”
+
+“What do you care whether Beebo likes you or not?” Laura demanded,
+startled.
+
+Tris broke into a charming smile then, as if to placate her visitor. “I
+want everybody to like me,” she said. “I suppose it is a compulsion left
+from my childhood.” And, as if she had made a guilty admission, she
+turned away abruptly saying, “Let’s go into the kitchen. If I stand in
+here I will feel obliged to dance.”
+
+Laura followed her and sat down self-consciously. Tris fixed a plate of
+cookies and gave her a glass of milk. She smiled.
+
+“I am hard to know, Laura. I am not very gracious. But I like your
+company.” Her smile was as warm and luscious as ripe fruit in the sun.
+
+They finished the food over small talk about men. Laura was lost,
+silent. She just nodded agreement and listened with dismay. _She’s
+trying to tell me she doesn’t like girls_, she thought. _But it’s a
+lie!_
+
+Tris rinsed the plates, watching herself all the while in one mirror or
+another. It was as if she felt herself on exhibition all the time, as if
+all those mirrors were scattered around to remind her of her own beauty.
+
+Tris dried her hands and turned to face Laura. There was an awkward
+pause and Laura realized suddenly that she was supposed to get up and
+leave. They had had their small talk. She had been served food. That was
+all she could reasonably expect from her hostess, especially since she
+was an uninvited guest. She felt her heart contract a little in
+disappointment, and she thought with a flash of yearning of the
+intimacies of her last visit.
+
+But she was too proud to overstay her welcome, especially after the way
+Tris had shown her the door last time. So she got up and said, “Thanks
+Tris. I have to go.”
+
+“Oh?” It was merely polite.
+
+“Beebo’s expecting me.”
+
+“I see.” No protest. Tris followed her toward the front door. “Ask me
+over to your apartment sometime, Laura. You would make a much nicer
+hostess than I. Besides, I should like to see how your big roommate
+looks in pants. She does wear pants?”
+
+“Yes, she does.” Laura turned to look at her curiously. “But she’s a
+jealous hellion.”
+
+Tris leaned on the wall by the door, crossing her feet at the ankles.
+
+“Does she know you have been here to visit me?” Her smile was sly,
+interested.
+
+“No. I don’t think she even remembers you,” Laura said shortly.
+
+“Ah! Flattering. Do you think it’s wise to make a secret of our
+friendship, Laura?”
+
+“It’s either that or get my neck broken,” Laura said.
+
+Tris laughed a little, as if the idea of such hard play amused her.
+“Laura ... would you like to stay a little longer?” she said. Her voice
+made it sound very inviting.
+
+“I can’t.” Laura was upset by all the talk of Beebo.
+
+“As long as you leave by eight it would be all right,” Tris said. “I
+have a date at eight.”
+
+“With a man?”
+
+“Certainly with a man. I have no secrets, Laura. I do not like to cheat,
+like you. You cheat with your Beebo by seeing me. But still—” she
+hunched her shoulders and smiled—“I like you. You like me. Perhaps it is
+worth the risk. You are the one who will get your neck broken, not me. I
+have no right to deny you your pain.”
+
+Laura frowned at her. It was an odd thing to say. Tris put her hands on
+Laura’s arms and they stood that way, silent, for a moment.
+
+At last Tris said, “Dance with me.”
+
+“I don’t know how,” Laura said shyly.
+
+“I am a teacher. I teach you. Come on.”
+
+“I’m so clumsy, Tris.”
+
+But Tris pulled her to the middle of the studio and put a record on. She
+stood for a minute in front of Laura as if trying to make up her mind
+where to grasp her, how to start. Laura felt impossibly awkward. But
+Tris made up her mind quickly and slipped her arms around Laura’s neck.
+Laura was two inches taller than she and Tris was obliged to look up at
+her when she spoke.
+
+“We will just do it like the teen-agers!” she said. “There is nothing to
+it really. Stand in one place and shift your weight from one foot to the
+other, with the beat. That’s it. You’ve got it. That’s a good
+beginning.”
+
+Laura couldn’t help laughing. “Even _I_ can do that much,” she said.
+
+“Ah. Then there is hope. Next year at this time you will do the _tour
+jeté_.”
+
+Laura had her arms around Tris at the waist and they swayed gently to
+the music, and suddenly all her suspicion and embarrassment faded. She
+became conscious of the tantalizing jasmine that emanated from Tris—from
+her throat and her hair and her breasts, barely covered by the bandeau.
+The black braid moved softly against Laura’s bare arms in back and Tris
+put her cheek against Laura’s, tilting her face up. Her lips were near
+Laura’s ear and she whispered, “You know, Laura, I must tell you
+something. You are a homosexual. Yes?”
+
+Laura swallowed. “Yes,” she said.
+
+“You should know then ... I am not. Not like you. I like the company of
+girls, yes. My dance pupils. Friends. But I love men. I love them. Do
+you understand?”
+
+“No.” Laura shut her eyes and pulled Tris a little tighter.
+
+“Well, then, I will explain. Men excite me. All men, I mean. The idea of
+men.... It is hard to say. But I would rather be with a man than with a
+woman. But now and then I meet a woman who interests me. And sometimes
+the interest goes beyond just talk. You see?”
+
+“No.”
+
+“Sometimes I want to kiss her. Or be close to her. But that is all. Now
+do you see?”
+
+“No.”
+
+Tris gave an impatient little sigh. “I am telling you I am not queer
+like you!” she said sharply and Laura winced with sudden pain. Tris felt
+it and she amended quickly, “That is an unkind word. You people call it
+gay. All right. _I_ am not gay. I like you, I like to talk to you and
+watch you move and sometimes I am moved myself to kiss you or be close
+to you, like this. Our bodies like this, all up and down. You see? But I
+don’t like to go any farther. Not with a girl. You are only the third
+girl I have felt this for. It will not happen again for a long time.
+Perhaps I will marry soon, and then it will never happen again.”
+
+“Marry! Who? An Indian?”
+
+“No!” she exclaimed almost contemptuously. “Another. He is _white_.”
+
+“You’re full of contradictions, Tris,” Laura said, looking down at her
+in bewilderment. “You said you were gay and you married a gay boy.”
+
+“Oh, yes. I did, didn’t I?” She looked trapped. “Well, I thought I was
+then. But I know now—positively—I am not.”
+
+“But you said—”
+
+“Such wonderful blond hair you have, Laura. I would give anything for
+such hair. Why do you always wear it wound up like that?” And she began
+to slip pins out of the bun, letting them drop to the polished floor,
+until the coil of gold came loose and Tris gave a delighted, “Ah!”
+
+Laura felt the thrill go through her hard. She forgot her protests about
+Tris’s sex drive and pulled the dancer very close to kiss her full on
+the mouth. Tris yielded. With one accord they stopped dancing and just
+clung and kissed, swaying slightly. It lasted for long minutes—just
+kisses, soft and exploratory, but careful. Laura wondered vaguely,
+through the fog of lovely sensations, what miserable devil prompted this
+delectable girl to deny her Lesbian impulses. For Laura could tell that
+Tris enjoyed this love play as much as she. She encouraged it, even when
+Laura tried to stop, and pulled her back for more.
+
+By eight o’clock they were lying on the big red silk couch in the
+bedroom, murmuring inanities to each other, discovering one another’s
+bodies and emotions through twin shields of clothes and caution.
+
+“Will you come and see me again?” Tris asked.
+
+“Are you inviting me?”
+
+“Of course.”
+
+“When would it be convenient?” She said it in clipped English, like the
+English Tris spoke, to tease her.
+
+“It is never convenient. But come anyway.”
+
+Laura laughed. “When?”
+
+“Tomorrow.”
+
+“No date tomorrow?”
+
+“Yes. Every night.”
+
+“Save a night for me, Tris.”
+
+Tris gazed at her for a moment before she answered, “No.”
+
+“Why not?”
+
+“We do too much in these few short hours. What would we do with a whole
+night? I do not like to think.”
+
+“I think of it all the time. I can’t think of anything else.”
+
+“Ah, that is a very bad sign. I am sorry to hear you say that. You must
+not fall in love with me, Laura.”
+
+“I’ll try to remember,” she said sarcastically.
+
+“I am serious,” Tris said.
+
+Laura didn’t answer her. She lay on her back and looked up at the small
+skylight directly over the bed. It was a square of violet—the last shade
+of fading day.
+
+“I do not want you to fall in love with me, Laura,” Tris persisted.
+
+“I hear you,” Laura said quietly.
+
+“Well, why don’t you answer?”
+
+“I don’t know how to answer, Tris,” she said, turning to look at her in
+the semi-gloom of the bedroom.
+
+“What are your feelings for me?”
+
+“Do you want a blue print?” Laura said, hurt. “I can’t spell them out
+for you. I don’t understand them myself.” But she understood them all
+too well. She had felt these pangs before for other girls—only two or
+three, including Beebo, but enough to make them familiar and unwelcome.
+But still exciting and irresistible.
+
+Tris lay beside her, quiet for a while, and finally she said, “Do you
+know why I was not very glad to see you at first today?”
+
+“No.” Laura reached across the bed to put a hand on Tris’s breasts, to
+feel what she could not see in the gathering darkness.
+
+“I was afraid,” Tris whispered. “Of my own feelings. I do not like to
+become involved with women. It has always been unpleasant for me.”
+
+“Do you still want me to come back and see you?”
+
+“Yes.” She paused and Laura sensed a smile. “As long as I ask you to
+come back, Laura, you will know you are safe with me.”
+
+“Safe?”
+
+“I will put it another way. If a day comes when I do _not_ want to see
+you, it will be because I am in love with you. And that will be the end.
+From that day on we will never meet again, until I am cured.”
+
+Laura had to smile. Who could take such a charming speech seriously?
+“All right,” she murmured and embraced the lovely dancer.
+
+“Now you must go,” Tris told her. “My date will be here soon. He is
+always prompt.”
+
+Laura got up without protest. But it was sweet to take the time to wind
+up her hair and know she was welcome. “Did you kick me out for the same
+boy last time?” she asked.
+
+Tris had turned a light on and they watched each other in the mirror
+before which Laura was combing her hair.
+
+“No. Another.”
+
+“I hate him,” Laura said with a little smile. “And the rest of them.”
+
+Tris gazed at her coolly. “How very foolish,” she said. And made Laura
+laugh.
+
+They parted with a chaste kiss, and for the first time since they had
+met Laura felt as if she had a slim chance with this odd and
+irresistible girl who was still so much a stranger to her. She went home
+to her angry Beebo, her body tense with need. And later, when Beebo
+demanded her body, Laura surrendered promptly and helplessly.
+
+                   *       *       *       *       *
+
+Beebo, since the night of her attack, had become unbearably suspicious.
+Everything Laura did, everywhere she went, had to be reported in detail.
+She called Tris once or twice from work and Tris had bawled her out for
+not showing up. Laura was more pleased than sorry when Tris sounded
+jealous—while she bridled angrily at Beebo’s jealousy, she was thrilled
+with Tris’s.
+
+Laura had strong doubts about Beebo’s illness now. She could have gone
+to work weeks ago. The bruises were nearly invisible; only a pale yellow
+shadow stained the spot where the worst had been. Beebo was using it as
+an excuse to sit around another week and take it easy and drink and
+bitch over the phone to Lili about her problems.
+
+“I always hated that damn elevator,” she declared with her feet up on
+the coffee table in the living room and a drink in her hand.
+
+“You make me sick!” Laura told her. “You’re _well_. Get up and go to
+work.”
+
+Beebo looked at her watch. “At six-thirty in the evening?” she said, and
+laughed.
+
+“I’m not going to support us both, Beebo,” Laura said. “And I’m sick and
+tired of playing nursemaid.”
+
+To her diary Laura confided, _I am in love. I’m sure of it. The more I’m
+with Beebo the more I want Tris. Oh, God, how much I want her!_
+
+                   *       *       *       *       *
+
+Laura was desperate after two more weeks of Beebo. Beebo drove her
+frantic when they were cooped up together in the small apartment, as
+they were every night. And Beebo was wild for the love Laura denied her.
+The attack she had endured seemed to have touched off a burning core of
+violence in her that never went out.
+
+When Beebo found the small steel strongbox on the closet floor with
+Laura’s diary inside, she pounded it with a stone to get it open but the
+lock didn’t break. When Laura got home from work and found the battered
+box on the coffee table in the living room she went pale with alarm, and
+Beebo, who was lying in wait for her reaction, exclaimed, “Damn it, I
+knew it. You sure as hell look guilty, Laura. What’s in it?” She kicked
+the box.
+
+“Nothing.” Laura walked across the room but her legs felt weak.
+
+“Open it, then.”
+
+“No.”
+
+“Where’s the key?”
+
+“I don’t know.”
+
+“It’s your box, goddam it. You know where the key is! Why did you hide
+it from me? What are you ashamed of?”
+
+“I’m under no obligation to show you everything I own!” Laura said
+frostily. “I’ll hide what I please.”
+
+“You tell me what’s in it,” Beebo threatened, “or I’ll choke you. I
+swear I’ll choke you, you bitch.” She slammed Laura against the wall
+with one hand to her throat.
+
+Laura gasped in panic. There was only one thing to do with Beebo in
+these moods and that was go along with her, stall, anything but resist
+her. That was too painful and Laura even feared that one of these days,
+with Beebo as crazy as she was, it might be fatal.
+
+“All right,” Laura said through a tight throat. “Let me go.”
+
+She rummaged for the key for ten minutes, knowing all the while that it
+was in the wallet in her purse.
+
+“Don’t tell me you can’t find it,” Beebo said, watching her through
+narrowed eyes.
+
+“I almost never use the thing,” Laura said as calmly as she could.
+
+“You find it,” Beebo said. And something in the tone of her voice made
+Laura very frightened. _I’m getting out of here_, she thought to herself
+suddenly. _If I can just get out of this somehow I’ll leave her tonight
+and I won’t come back. I’ll go to Jack’s._
+
+She turned and faced Beebo, desperate. “Beebo, it’s just some personal
+papers. It’s nothing you’d be interested in.”
+
+“It’s exactly what I’d be interested in. I’d be even more interested in
+why you went white as a sheet when you saw I had it. Explain _that_ to
+me, Bo-peep.”
+
+Laura pressed her teeth together in a small grimace of exasperation.
+“It’s my birth certificate and my baptism certificate and two insurance
+policies and some old love letters,” she said.
+
+“Love letters from who?” Beebo demanded.
+
+“Beth.”
+
+Beebo put her head back and laughed. “Oh!” she said. “Beth! Good old
+Beth. Your college flame. I’m getting so I _know_ that goddam girl.”
+
+“She was a lot more—” Laura began, her cheeks hot. She couldn’t bear to
+hear Beth laughed at, to hear that perfect love ridiculed.
+
+“I know what she was,” Beebo said acidly. “She was beautiful. She was
+bright. She was a queen on the campus and a devil in bed. She was a
+success. She even liked men, the traitorous bitch. She was so gorgeous
+and so intelligent and so everything that she could do whatever she damn
+well pleased—even dump you like a sack of bricks. She loved you so much
+she got you kicked out of school and got married. To a _man_.” Beebo
+grinned at her, waiting for Laura to explode. But Laura only glared, too
+proud to spoil that memory with an ugly spat.
+
+“Queen Beth was everything Beebo is not,” Beebo said. “You’ll never
+learn, will you? Love isn’t pure roses and romance, Laura. You can’t
+live with a girl, however much you love her, and still faint with joy
+every time she looks your way. It’s a shame you never lived with Beth
+like you have with me. You’d find out fast enough she is a human being,
+not a goddess.... Now, show me the letters.”
+
+“Why do you want to read a bunch of miserable old letters?” Laura said,
+angry that she had to beg. “That’s all over, Beebo. It can’t do anything
+but hurt you.”
+
+“I’m used to that, Laura. Anybody who lives with you has to be.”
+
+“You lie!” Laura flared suddenly. They gazed at each other in electric
+silence for a minute. Then Laura said quietly, in a move to restore her
+safety, “Let me fill your glass.” She came to take it from her but Beebo
+held it away. “What are you trying to do, baby, get me drunk? Let’s see
+the letters.”
+
+Laura sat down on the bed beside her. Maybe she could sweet-talk her out
+of the box. “Beebo,” she said. “There’s nothing in there you could
+possibly want to see or be interested in. Will you believe me?”
+
+Beebo looked at her coldly and didn’t move. “The letters,” she said and
+held out a hand.
+
+Laura sighed. “After dinner,” she begged. “Let’s at least eat in peace.”
+And before Beebo could answer she leaned over and kissed her lips. “I
+love you, Beebo,” she said, very softly and hopefully. And there were
+still times when she wondered if she might not speak the truth. But this
+wasn’t one of them. She spoke out of the need to save her skin.
+
+Beebo swallowed the last of the drink. “Yeah,” she said. “The letters.”
+
+Laura kissed her again. Beebo submitted to it without returning the
+kiss. “You’re not very subtle, Bo-peep,” she said.
+
+“I just want a stay of execution,” Laura said with a wry smile. “If we
+have to yell at each other, let’s save it till after dinner. Please,
+darling. The box won’t walk away.” And Beebo, in spite of the
+obviousness of it, in spite of her own better sense and Laura’s flagrant
+flattery, weakened.
+
+“Are they that bad?” she asked. “The goddam letters from Beth the
+Beautiful?”
+
+“They’re just love letters. They’re old and stale and the affair is old
+and stale. It’s over and done with.”
+
+“Like our affair?” And Beebo said it so simply, without the histrionics
+and the swearing and the noisy misery she usually showered on Laura,
+that Laura was touched. She put her forehead down on Beebo’s shoulder
+and whispered, “I don’t know, Beebo. You scare me so sometimes I swear
+I’ll move out of here and run like hell and never come back. Sometimes I
+really think you mean to kill me.”
+
+“Sometimes I really do,” Beebo said and her voice was rough. “If I did,
+I’d kill myself right afterwards, darling.”
+
+“A lot of good that would do me!” Laura exploded. But she softened when
+Beebo’s face went dark. “You don’t mean that, Beebo. You’d never really
+do it ... would you?”
+
+“I don’t know,” Beebo said, staring at her. “I’ve come close to it,
+baby. I’ve come close....”
+
+“If you really love me, you couldn’t.”
+
+“I really love you. But there are times when I don’t think I could stop
+myself.” Her eyes filled suddenly with tears and she looked away, at the
+wall. “Things that would hurt too much.”
+
+“Like what?”
+
+“Like finding out you were cheating on me.”
+
+Laura shut her eyes and felt the sweat break out on her face. _But I
+haven’t really cheated with Tris_, she told herself. _We never went all
+the way. I don’t think we ever will._ “Don’t be silly,” she told Beebo.
+“Who is there for me to cheat on you with? _Nobody._”
+
+“Jack.”
+
+“Jack?” Laura straightened up, astonished. “He’s a man!”
+
+“Sure he’s a man. I know what he is.”
+
+Laura took Beebo’s face in her hands and said, “I promise you I have
+never cheated with Jack or anybody else. I _swear_, Beebo. You think I
+have but I haven’t. You just make it up.”
+
+“Do I just make it up that I love you more than you love me?”
+
+Laura hung her head. “Let’s shout about it after dinner,” she said.
+
+“Okay.” Unexpectedly Beebo surrendered and Laura escaped to the kitchen
+with an audible sigh of relief.
+
+They ate in near-silence, Laura concentrating on her plate and Beebo
+concentrating on Laura. They were almost finished with the gloomy little
+meal when there came a ring of the doorbell and Laura, without knowing
+why, felt a sudden start of fear.
+
+“Who’s that?” Beebo demanded.
+
+“I don’t know.” Laura didn’t even want to look at her. “Probably Jack.
+Or your darling Lili.”
+
+“Oh, Christ, I couldn’t stand to see either of them right now. Lili
+would love to hear us quarrel.”
+
+“Let’s disappoint her, then,” Laura said and they smiled a little at
+each other. Laura was surprised at the strength of her relief. But when
+Beebo got up to ring the buzzer that opened the door below, the strange
+fear returned.
+
+Far away downstairs she heard the front door open. Laura sat in uneasy
+silence in the kitchen, listening to the steps coming up the stairs out
+in the hall. She could picture Beebo leaning against the door jamb,
+waiting for the knock. More than once she had begged Beebo to be
+cautious opening that door. She had nightmares about the hoodlums that
+raped Beebo coming back to try it again—and getting Laura too this time.
+But Beebo shrugged it off.
+
+“They won’t be back,” she had said.
+
+“How do _you_ know?”
+
+“I know,” was the cryptic answer, and that was all Laura could get out
+of her.
+
+Laura found herself staring into her milk glass and whispering a prayer:
+_Let it be Jack. Please, dear God. I need him._
+
+The knock came. Beebo opened the door. There was a moment of silence and
+then the sound of a sweet feminine voice using a very dainty English. It
+was Tris!
+
+Laura froze in a panic. For one frightened second she thought of
+climbing down the fire escape. And then she put her glass down with
+trembling hands and poised herself, tense with the near-hysterical force
+piling up inside her.
+
+Suddenly Beebo said, “Well, I’ll be goddamned. Hey, Laura! It’s our
+little Indian buddy. From Peck and Peck. Come on in, sweetheart.”
+
+“Thank you,” Tris said.
+
+Laura held her breath. Beebo’s friendliness would last just as long as
+it took her to start wondering what Tris was doing there and how she
+found the place. Laura could have slapped Tris. She hardly dared go in
+the living room and face them both.
+
+Beebo called her. “Get in here, baby. Make like a hostess, for God’s
+sake. How’d you find us?” she said, her voice lowering as she turned to
+Tris.
+
+“I ran into Laura at the Hobby Shop,” Tris said. “I was looking for a
+gift.”
+
+“Find one?” Beebo settled down on the couch, appraising Tris’s slim
+smooth body with a cool and practiced eye. Laura saw the glance as she
+stood in the kitchen doorway. She disliked the way Tris let herself be
+admired.
+
+“Hello, Laura,” Tris said, almost shyly.
+
+“Hello, Tris.” Laura wanted Beebo to stop looking at that warm brown
+body, lightly sheathed in silk. Her eyes snapped angrily at Tris, and
+Tris saw it. “Sit down,” Laura said.
+
+“So ...,” Beebo mused, her eyes half-closed and calculating. “You
+discovered Laura in the Hobby Shop and got chummy, hm?”
+
+“She told me where you live,” Tris said, turning to her with an
+ingratiating smile. “It’s not far from me. She said to come over
+sometime, so here I am. Perhaps I come at a bad time?” She looked from
+one to the other.
+
+“Any time is a bad time in this little love nest,” Beebo said. She
+thumbed at Laura. “We hate each other,” she explained. “We only live
+together so we can fight.”
+
+“Oh.” Tris looked uncomfortable.
+
+Beebo grinned at the two girls, pleased to have embarrassed them both,
+her mind simmering with suspicions. Laura, stony-faced, refused to say
+anything to Tris to put her at ease. She was furious with her for coming
+in the first place.
+
+“What’s your name, honey?” Beebo said to Tris. “I’ve forgotten.”
+
+“Tris Robischon.”
+
+“Didn’t you say you were Indian or something?”
+
+“Yes.”
+
+Beebo laughed and shook her head. “Yeah ...,” she said. “Indian.”
+
+Tris began to squirm under her gaze. She was no longer so pleased to be
+looked at as she had been when she entered. Beebo stared so hard, in
+fact, that Tris finally said coldly, “Perhaps you object to dark skins.”
+
+“So what if I do?” Beebo said casually, grinning.
+
+Tris gasped. “Some people,” she said sharply, “think all non-whites are
+inferior. Perhaps you are one of those?”
+
+“Now what gives you a dumb idea like that?” Beebo said. “Do I look
+unfriendly?”
+
+“You stare at me as if I were not welcome.”
+
+“I stare at you as if you were a damn pretty girl. Which you are. You’re
+also too sensitive, but you’re welcome. I like that color.” She waved at
+Tris’s shapely legs, crossed at the knees and poised on high-heeled
+shoes. “On you it looks good.” And she grinned. There was an awkward
+pause and Laura saw, with great irritation, that Tris was simply
+returning Beebo’s gaze now, bashfully but rather eagerly.
+
+“Have some coffee, Tris?” Laura said.
+
+“Yes, please.” Tris looked at her swiftly, as if she knew Laura didn’t
+like her interest in Beebo.
+
+“What do you do with yourself all day, Tris?” Beebo said. Laura was
+afraid of the way her voice sounded now.
+
+“I dance.”
+
+“Where?”
+
+“My studio. I teach.”
+
+“That all?”
+
+“I—I have done professional work.”
+
+They talked for a few minutes until Laura brought the coffee in. She
+gave Tris a cup and placed one in front of Beebo. But Beebo reached out
+and collared her with one long arm and pulled her down on the couch
+beside her.
+
+“Let go!” Laura snapped, but Beebo only held her harder.
+
+“So you ... just ran into Laura in the Hobby Shop,” Beebo said to Tris.
+“Fancy that.” She smiled a dangerous smile.
+
+“Yes. It’s not so surprising. I mean I—I live so close by.”
+
+Laura felt her fear rising in her throat and sweat bursting from her and
+she was desperately impatient to get rid of Tris.
+
+“You know something, little Indian girl?” Beebo said.
+
+“What?”
+
+“I don’t believe you.”
+
+The atmosphere became tense and ominous. “I apologize for her, Tris,”
+Laura said with a show of casualness. “She doesn’t believe anything.”
+
+“Now tell me, Tris,” Beebo said, ignoring her, “how did you and Laura
+really meet?”
+
+Tris looked squarely at her and said, “You know how. I have told the
+truth.” She lied very gracefully. Laura wondered how many lies she had
+been fed herself. “But I see I am not welcome here,” Tris went on. She
+stood up and replaced her coffee cup carefully in the saucer on the
+table. “Thank you for the coffee,” she said regally and headed for the
+front door.
+
+Beebo sprang up from the couch suddenly and Laura, frightened, followed
+her with almost the same movement. Beebo caught Tris at the door and
+turned her around and without even a pause for breath kissed her harshly
+on the mouth. It was a long and physically painful kiss, and Laura’s
+furious exclamations did nothing to help. She pounded ineffectually on
+Beebo’s back. “Beebo, stop it!” she cried.
+
+But Beebo stopped in her own good time, and that was not until she had
+bruised Tris’s mouth enough to make her cry. She cried softly, without a
+sound, her eyes shut and her head back against the door, still lifted
+toward Beebo.
+
+Laura was shaken. “Tris—Tris—” she said, trying to get near her, but
+Beebo shouldered her out of the way.
+
+“That’s for being such a good friend of Laura’s,” Beebo said. “And
+that’s all you get, too, my little Indian. Now get the hell out and
+don’t come back.”
+
+“Beebo, please!” Laura felt her own angry tears start up, and it was
+unbearable to have Tris turn and leave so quickly, so quietly, without
+giving her a gesture of comfort or apology. “Tris, I’m so sorry!” she
+called after her, but it sounded trite and insincere.
+
+Beebo shut the door and stood for a moment with her back to Laura.
+Laura, shaking, moved away from her.
+
+“Where did you meet her?” Beebo asked, still not looking at her. “Tell
+the truth, Laura.”
+
+“At work.”
+
+Beebo whirled around. “How long are you going to lie to me!” she said.
+
+“This is the last time!” Laura exploded, throwing her caution out with
+her patience. “I’m leaving you, Beebo. I’ve _had_ it. You make me sick.
+You’re ruining my life. I’m so damn scared and so damn miserable that
+nothing is any fun, nothing helps. Life isn’t worth living, not like
+this!”
+
+“Where did you meet her?” Beebo said, with single-minded jealous fury.
+
+“I went to her apartment!” Laura blazed at her. “I went back for her
+card and I went to her apartment.”
+
+“And made love to her.”
+
+“No!” She shouted it angrily at first, but then she repeated it,
+frightened, “No, Beebo! I swear!”
+
+But Beebo came across the room in one sudden leap of rage and threw her
+down hard on the floor, her big hands on Laura’s slim shoulders, holding
+her cruelly and banging her head down again and again until Laura
+screamed with pain and terror. And then Beebo dropped her and slapped
+her and all the time she kept repeating like a mad woman, “You made love
+to her, love to her. Where’s that key? The _key_, damn it!”
+
+“I’ll give it to you,” Laura sobbed at last. “Oh, God, Beebo, don’t kill
+me! I’ll give it to you.”
+
+Beebo let her up then, or rather, dragged her to her feet. Laura stood
+beside her, swaying and dizzy, her eyes blurred by tears and her head
+aching. She went into the bedroom, shoving Beebo’s hands away from her
+with sharp gestures of hatred, her teeth clenched. And she opened her
+purse and pulled out her wallet and gave Beebo the key.
+
+Beebo snatched it from her and picked up the box like a miser going
+after a cache of gold. And Laura, seeing her chance, grabbed the purse
+and a sweater that hung on the back of a chair and backed silently out
+of the bedroom. She fled, on feet made feather-light with fear, to the
+front door. She ran down the stairs with all the speed her fear could
+muster and ran all the way—two blocks—to Seventh Avenue.
+
+After a few frantic moments of scanning the street and looking back over
+her shoulder she hailed a cab and climbed in, crying audibly. “Drive
+uptown,” she told the man. “Just drive uptown for a few minutes.”
+
+“Okay,” he said, giving her a quick, cynical onceover.
+
+Laura looked up and saw Beebo rush into Fourth Street as the cab turned
+around and headed north, and she sank down in the back seat, her hands
+over her face. She let him drive her almost to Times Square before she
+could control her sobs and give him Jack’s address.
+
+_What if Beebo’s already there?_ she wondered suddenly. _Oh, God!_ She
+would be, of course. But Jack would save her somehow. Better to be with
+him, even if it meant facing Beebo again.
+
+
+
+
+                                   6
+
+
+Laura was right. Beebo went straight to Jack’s apartment. She stormed in
+and beat noisily on his door until he opened it.
+
+“Christ in the foothills!” he exclaimed, pulling on the door and looking
+into her wild furious face. She entered and slammed it behind her.
+
+“She’ll be over here in a few minutes,” Beebo said wildly, waving the
+diary at him. “I haven’t read much of this but I’ve read enough to know
+what a bitch she is. And you—you—” For once in her life Beebo was at a
+loss for words. “You lousy crawling scum sonofabitch, you’ve been egging
+her on! You’ve been putting ideas into her head—about leaving me.”
+
+She ranted hysterically at him, and Jack, although Laura had never
+described her diary to him, began to get the idea in a hurry.
+
+“Where is she now?” he said quietly when he could get a word in
+edgewise.
+
+“I don’t know, but she’ll be here before long. Whenever we have a
+quarrel she drags her can over here as fast as she can move. You’re her
+father confessor, her lover by proxy. She tells you everything. She only
+lives with me.” She spat it at him enviously. “I’m her lover for good
+and real but I’m not good enough to know what she thinks or what she
+does. She saves that for you. I’ll kill her! By God, I will.”
+
+“Scram, Beebo,” Jack said. His low voice was in sharp contrast to her
+own, loud and hard with wrath.
+
+“What’s the matter, isn’t my company good enough for you?” She turned on
+him suddenly. He would have to take her threats till Laura got there;
+she couldn’t hold them back.
+
+“It’s just that I don’t like prospective murderers,” Jack said. “They
+make me nervous.”
+
+“You bastard! You holier-than-thou bastard! You think you’re so damn
+superior because you’re still on the wagon. You _are_ on the wagon, I
+can tell. You look so goddam sober it’s repulsive. Repulsive!”
+
+“That’s the word for it, all right,” Jack agreed. His compliant attitude
+only goaded her further.
+
+“You hate me because Laura only comes to see you when she feels bad. She
+_lives_ with me. But she doesn’t give a damn about you until she feels
+bad. Then she comes running to good old Jack!”
+
+“Beebo,” he said and did not raise his voice. “When I lost Terry I did a
+hell of a lot of drinking and hollering. I came and drank your whiskey
+and told you my troubles and you listened to me. And it helped. Now
+you’re welcome to my whiskey—there’s still a little in the kitchen—and
+you’re welcome to cry on my shoulder. But you’re not going to murder
+anybody, here or anywhere else.”
+
+“Only Laura,” Beebo said, and her voice was low now, too.
+
+“Nobody,” Jack said. “Now scram, or I’ll throw you out.”
+
+Beebo grabbed the lapels of his sport jacket. “She cheated on me, Jack.
+You gave her the idea so don’t try to squirm out of it.”
+
+“Cheated on you with who?”
+
+“An Indian!” Her eyes were so big and her face so contorted that Jack
+came very near laughter.
+
+“What tribe?” he asked carefully.
+
+“Not an _American_ Indian, you owl-eyed idiot! An _Indian_ Indian. A
+dancer! Jesus!” And she lifted her eyes to the ceiling. “A _dancer_!”
+
+“Classical or belly?”
+
+“Oh, shut up! You think it’s funny!” She gave him a hard shove, but Jack
+didn’t shove easily. He just stood his ground and surprised her. “It
+doesn’t matter who she is, anyway,” she said and ran a distraught hand
+through her close-cropped dark hair that waved and rolled around her
+head and used to delight Laura. “What matters is, they’ve been sleeping
+together and that cheeky little bitch—”
+
+“Which one?”
+
+“Jack, goddam you, quit interrupting me!” She paused to glare at him and
+then said, “Tris. The dancer. She had the nerve to come over to the
+apartment. Tried to tell me they met at the Hobby Shop. Oh, God!” And
+she gave a despairing laugh.
+
+“Maybe they did.” He offered it unobtrusively.
+
+“Who’re you kidding?” Beebo snapped. “Laura _admitted_ she went to the
+girl’s apartment.”
+
+“After you pounded it out of her.”
+
+Beebo held the diary out to him. “Read this, Jack. It’s all in here,”
+she said.
+
+“Does it say they slept together?”
+
+“Damn right!”
+
+“Did you read it?”
+
+“No, but it’s in here,” she said positively, in the grip of the
+spiraling violence that possessed her. “Jack Mann, college graduate,
+engineer, former gay boy, former whiskey drinker, former human being.
+Current know-it-all and champion bastard of Greenwich Village. _Read_
+it!”
+
+He shook his head without even glancing at it.
+
+“Are you too proper? Too moral? Don’t tell me you’ve suddenly developed
+a conscience! After all these years,” she said.
+
+He shrugged. “Why read it? You’ve told me what’s in it.”
+
+“Maybe you’d like to know what she says about me.” He saw her face color
+up again and a shivering clearly visible in her hands and he said, “No.”
+But Beebo opened the diary, leafing through it for the worst slander she
+could find.
+
+Jack took the book from her hands so suddenly that she let it slip
+before she knew what he was up to, and then he socked her when she
+reached for it, catching her on the chin. She reeled backwards and sank
+to the floor. Jack leaned down and picked her up, hoisting her over his
+shoulder. He carried her that way, head dangling in back and feet in
+front, down the hall and out the door to the apartment building.
+
+There he set her dizzily on her feet. She hardly knew where she was and
+let him hold her up. He found a taxi for her on the corner of Fourth and
+Seventh Avenue and told the driver, “She’s drunk. It’s only a couple of
+blocks, but I can’t take her home,” and handed him five dollars. “Take
+her upstairs,” he said, giving him the address. “Apartment 2B.”
+
+He was headed up the steps to his apartment again when he heard Laura’s
+voice calling him, and he turned around to see her running up the
+sidewalk, hair awry and face like chalk.
+
+“Laura!” he exclaimed and caught her. She began to sob the moment she
+felt his arms around her, as if she had only been waiting to feel him
+for the tears to start.
+
+“Is she here?” she asked, and he could feel her quivering.
+
+“She left,” he said. “I just put her in a cab. Your timing is faultless,
+Mother.”
+
+Laura looked at him out of big amazed eyes. “She’s gone? How did you do
+it?” she asked. “What happened?”
+
+“Come on inside,” he said. He led her down the hall and in his kitchen
+at last, with the front door locked and no Beebo anywhere around and a
+comforting drink to brace her, she heaved a long sigh of relief.
+
+“Now,” said Jack, making himself some coffee. “Who is Tris?”
+
+Laura clasped her glass in both hands and looked into the whiskey for an
+answer. “She’s a dancer—”
+
+“I know that part. I mean, are you sleeping with her?”
+
+“No!” Laura flashed.
+
+“Do you want to?”
+
+And after a pause she whispered honestly, “Yes.”
+
+“So Beebo’s not imagining things.”
+
+“She doesn’t have to,” Laura cried bitterly. “She’s got my diary.”
+
+“I saw it.”
+
+“Did you read it?”
+
+“No, but Beebo did.”
+
+“What did she say?” Laura’s throat had gone dry all of a sudden at the
+idea of Beebo perusing those private pages, and she took a sip of her
+whiskey.
+
+“She wants to solve the whole thing by murdering you.”
+
+“I think she would, too,” Laura said, unsurprised. “Oh, Jack, help me.
+I’m scared to death.”
+
+“All right.” He came over, pulling his chair, and sat down beside her.
+“Marry me.”
+
+Laura covered her face with her hands and gave a little moan. “Is that
+all you can think of? Is that all you can say?” she said, and she
+sounded a little desperate. “I’m in love with Tris, and Beebo wants to
+_murder_ me and you want to _marry_ me. What good will that do? I might
+as well be dead as married!” And she said it so emphatically that Jack
+was stung.
+
+But he never let personal hurts show.
+
+“Mother, you’re in a mess,” he said. “Nobody has a perfect solution for
+you. And you have none at all for yourself. So listen to one from an old
+friend who loves you and don’t stomp on it out of sheer spite.”
+
+“I’m sorry,” she murmured, sipping the drink again. She let the tears
+flow unchecked, without really crying. Her face was motionless, but
+still the tears rolled down her cheeks, as if they had business of their
+own unrelated to her emotion.
+
+“Tell me something,” Jack said gently, putting an arm over the back of
+her chair and leaning close to her. And as always with him, she didn’t
+mind. She liked his nearness and the fact that he was male and strong
+and full of affection for her. Perhaps it was because she knew he would
+never demand of her what a normal man would; because she felt so safe
+with him and so able to trust him. “Tell me why you went to live with
+Beebo two years ago,” he said.
+
+“I thought I loved her.”
+
+“Why did you think you loved her?” he asked.
+
+“Because she—well, she was so—I don’t know, Jack. She excited me.”
+
+He lighted a cigarette with a sigh. “And that’s love,” he said.
+“Excitement. As long as you’re excited you’re in love. When it turns
+flat you’re not in love. Lord, what a way to live.”
+
+Laura was taken aback by the selfishness she betrayed. “I didn’t mean it
+that way,” she said. It had never seemed so cheap to her before.
+
+“Are you in love with Tris?” he asked.
+
+“I—I—” She was afraid to answer now.
+
+“Sure you are,” he said. “Just like Beebo. Fascinating girl. More
+excitement. Beebo’s worn out now, let’s try Tris. And when we wear Tris
+out, let’s find another—”
+
+“Stop it!” Laura begged.
+
+“Where’s your life going, Laura?” he asked her. “What have you done with
+it so far? Does it matter a damn, really? To anybody but you ... and
+me?”
+
+“And Beebo.”
+
+“Beebo’s more worried about where her next drink is coming from than she
+is about you.” He knew it wasn’t true. He knew if it ever came to a
+choice, Beebo loved Laura desperately enough to give up drinking. But
+Jack was fighting for Laura now.
+
+Laura began to cry now, her face concealed behind her hands. “Please,
+Jack,” she whispered, but he knew what he was doing. He had to make her
+see it his way so clearly, feel the hurt so hard, that she would turn
+away from the whole discouraging mess of homosexual life and come to
+live with him far from it all.
+
+“Look at me, Laura,” he said and lifted her face. “We can’t think
+straight because we always think gay,” he said. “We don’t know anything
+about a love that lasts or a life that means something. We spend all our
+time on our knees singing hosannas to the queers. Trying to make
+ourselves look good. Trying to forget we aren’t wholesome and healthy
+like other people.”
+
+“Some of the other people aren’t so damn wholesome either,” Laura said.
+
+Jack put his arms around her suddenly and pulled her tight against him
+and said, “Let’s get out of it, Laura. Let’s run like hell while we have
+a chance. We could get away, just the two of us. But we can’t do it
+alone; we need each other. We could move uptown and get a nice apartment
+and you wouldn’t have to work. We could get married, honey.”
+
+“But—”
+
+“Please, Laura, please,” he begged her. “Maybe we could even ... adopt a
+child. Would you like that? Would you?” He sounded a little breathless
+and he leaned back to see her face.
+
+Laura was startled. “I don’t know anything about kids. They scare me to
+death.”
+
+“You’d get over it in a hurry,” he said. “You’re female. You have
+instinct on your side.”
+
+“Do _you_ like kids?”
+
+“I love them.”
+
+“_I_ don’t. You’re more female than I am,” she said.
+
+He laughed. “Flattery will get you nowhere,” he said. “Seriously,
+Laura—would you like a child? A daughter?”
+
+“Why not a son?” she asked him, sharp-eyed.
+
+“Okay.” He shrugged warily. “A son.”
+
+Laura slid back in her chair and looked at the ceiling. “I never even
+thought about it before,” she said. “I just never dreamed I’d ever have
+anything to do with a child of my own ... with _any_ child.”
+
+“Do you want one?” He seemed so eager that she was reluctant to hurt
+him. But she couldn’t lie to him.
+
+“No,” she said. And when his face hardened, she added, “Because I’d be a
+terrible mother, Jack. I’d be afraid of it. And jealous, I think. I’d be
+all thumbs. I’d stick it full of pins and never be sure if I did it on
+purpose or by mistake.”
+
+“You won’t always feel that way,” he said, and she knew from the tone of
+his voice that there was no arguing with him.
+
+“Maybe not,” she said. “But if I marry you, Jack—” And they were both
+startled to hear the words, as if neither had really expected Laura to
+consider it seriously. “If I marry you, I wouldn’t dare adopt a child
+for years. Not till I was sure we were safe together and the marriage
+would last.”
+
+“It would. It will. Say yes.”
+
+“I can’t,” she said and drove him to his feet in a fit of temper.
+
+“Goddam it, Laura, do you want to grow _old_ here in the Village?” he
+said. “Have you seen the pitiful old women in their men’s oxfords and
+chopped-off hair, stumping around like lost souls, wandering from bar to
+bar and staring at the pretty kids and weeping because they can’t have
+them any more? Or living together, two of them, ugly and fat and
+wrinkled, with nothing to do and nothing to care about but the good old
+days that are no more? Is that what you want? Because if you stay here,
+that’s what you’ll get.
+
+“Pretty soon you won’t know any other way of life. You won’t know how to
+live in the big world. You don’t care a goddam about that world now when
+you’re young. So when you’re old you won’t _know_ a goddam about it.
+You’ll be afraid of it and of normal people and you’ll hide in a cheap
+walk-up with a dowdy old friend or a stinking cat and you’ll yammer
+about lost loves. Tempting, huh?” And he leaned on the kitchen table,
+his eyes so bright with urgency that she couldn’t look at them and only
+watched his mouth.
+
+“Horrible,” she said.
+
+He straightened up and shoved his hands in his pockets, and when he
+started to speak again he was gazing out the window. “I want to get so
+far away from here,” he said, “that—”
+
+“That Terry will never find you again,” she guessed.
+
+He dropped his head a little. “Yes,” he said. “That, too. Terry and Joe
+and Archie and John and God knows who. We’d go way uptown and leave no
+forwarding address ... nothing. Just fade out of the Village forever. No
+Beebo, no Terry....”
+
+“No Tris,” Laura whispered.
+
+“I told you, Mother ... I’m no bluebeard. If you want affairs, have
+them. You’re young, you need a few. Only keep them out of the Village
+and keep them very quiet.”
+
+“Do you think Terry would really come looking for you again?” she asked.
+“After the way you threw him out?”
+
+“There aren’t many men stupid enough to put up with his antics as I
+did,” he said. “I think he might try to put the touch on me between
+affairs.”
+
+“Damn him!” Laura cried indignantly.
+
+“Yes, he might try to find me. And Beebo would pace the city looking for
+you. But let them. We’d be through with them forever.”
+
+And Laura felt a very queer unwelcome pang for Beebo, for all that
+wealth of misdirected love. Jack was standing behind her now, his hands
+on her shoulders. “Well?” he said quietly. “Will you marry me?”
+
+“Could I—answer you in the morning?” she asked.
+
+“What the hell will you do tonight?”
+
+“See Tris.”
+
+“Oh. And if she’s nice, it’s no to old Jack. If she’s bitchy, it’s yes.
+Right?” He said it lightly but she knew he was hurt.
+
+“Not quite,” she said. “I want to test myself, I guess. Jack, for the
+first time I feel almost—almost like saying yes. But I want to see her
+first. Please let me.”
+
+“You don’t need my permission, Mother.”
+
+“Maybe Beebo’s found her already.”
+
+“Beebo’s in bad shape. I lay odds she sleeps it off for a while. Even if
+she’s found Tris she won’t be in condition to do either of you much
+harm. Just call a cop and say she’s molesting you.”
+
+Laura got up and turned to face him and they gazed at each other for
+some minutes in silence. “Okay, Mother,” he said. “Go. And come back
+_mine_.”
+
+She smiled and then she walked past him to the door.
+
+                   *       *       *       *       *
+
+Tris was at home giving lessons when Laura got there. She had evening
+classes twice a week, for adults. She didn’t slam the door in Laura’s
+face, but she gave her a black look and directed her curtly to sit down
+and be quiet. Her delicate mouth was ever so slightly swollen.
+
+Tris went back to work and danced with her pupils for another forty
+minutes without a word or a glance at Laura. It was lovely to watch.
+There were only two students—a man and a girl—and they were learning an
+intricate duet at Tris’s direction. They would execute what looked to
+Laura like a perfect step and suddenly Tris would swoop down on them,
+shouting temperamental criticisms. She finally made the man dance with
+her, to give the girl the idea.
+
+Laura watched her fascinated as she leaped into his arms, straight and
+smooth and beautifully sure of herself. And Laura realized slowly that
+only when she danced with the man did Tris look over at her to see her
+expression.
+
+_She’s trying to make me jealous_, Laura thought, and she was suddenly
+weary; weary of all the envy and ill feeling and violence. She wanted
+nothing more than to lie down quietly by Tris’s side, when the couple
+had gone, and gently, without explanations or apologies, make love till
+they both fell asleep. She knew if it happened like that—naturally and
+easily and without pain—that she would stay with Tris. But she was
+afraid that even if it were bitter and unhappy, she would stay anyway.
+
+And still, an angry core of resentment smoldered in her, resentment at
+Tris for having the effrontery to walk in on Laura and Beebo and cause
+the bitter outburst that had separated them. She was brooding about this
+when Tris suddenly dismissed her dancers.
+
+The two went into her bedroom to change and Laura waited for Tris to
+speak to her. But Tris only glared, performing a few indolent turns
+until her students returned. Then she unexpectedly introduced them all.
+She was curt, almost unpleasant about it.
+
+The young man smiled at Laura and said, “Never mind her, she’s bad
+company tonight. Thanks, Tris.” And he gave her a strange look and left,
+following the girl.
+
+Tris shut the door after them and turned to Laura. “The girl is
+insufferable,” she said. “She can’t dance, and she is a vixen besides.”
+
+“The boy can dance,” Laura said, not without a jealous twitch.
+
+“Yes, he can. He can make love, too. And he does—when I don’t have
+company.”
+
+She said it pointedly and Laura felt her whole face go a hot red. She
+stood up without speaking and made for the door, her head swimming, but
+Tris stopped her there by embracing her. Laura was in no mood for Tris’s
+sudden turnabouts.
+
+“God damn you, let me go,” she exclaimed.
+
+“Tonight, I am grateful for the company,” Tris said. “He bores me.”
+
+“I’ve had all I can take from you, Tris. You split me and Beebo up
+tonight—”
+
+“Ah, then I did you a favor, no?” and she smiled.
+
+“You damn near got me killed!”
+
+“She is not gentle, is she?” Tris said, releasing Laura to touch her
+bruised mouth, but she was still smiling a little.
+
+“Gentle?” Laura exploded. “Beebo? Gentle like a tornado. Why did you do
+it, Tris? _Why?_”
+
+Tris shrugged, walking away from her. “I felt like it. I don’t know why.
+I wanted to see you. I wanted to see—well, I wondered what she was like
+... Beebo.”
+
+“You’re incredible,” Laura breathed, furious, watching her saunter
+suggestively toward her bedroom.
+
+“Are you coming with me?” Tris asked.
+
+And Laura felt her legs weaken and her heart jump, and she hated herself
+for it. “No,” she said.
+
+“Of course you are. That is why you are here. Come.”
+
+And Laura, helpless, went to her. Tris took her hands and led her,
+walking backwards herself, into the room and onto the low couch. She
+began to kiss her and Laura felt her fury rise and change into passion.
+Tris had never been so close to her, so tantalizing.
+
+Somehow her anger made her passion sharper and wilder. She wanted to
+hurt Tris with it. Beebo believed they had made love, did she? Well,
+Laura would give truth to her fantasies.
+
+Laura could feel Tris’s body begin to respond. A surging feeling of
+triumph flashed through her. She felt the familiar, wonderful insanity
+come over her and she relinquished herself wholly to feeling. It took
+her a few moments to understand that Tris was fighting her. And suddenly
+she came to herself with a shock and felt Tris slip away from her and
+saw her standing a few feet from the bed.
+
+Tris gave her a look—almost of pity—and then turned and raced from the
+room. By the time Laura reached the door, it was locked. At first she
+was stunned, motionless. And then she began to throw her weight against
+it. “Tris! Tris, let me out!” she cried in a panic.
+
+“Stay where you are till you cool off,” Tris said. Her voice was very
+near, just on the other side of the door, and Laura was wild to join
+her.
+
+“Please, Tris!” she implored and her voice was low with coming tears.
+“Tris, don’t do this to me!” Her whole body ached and after a moment
+more of futile beating on the door she slumped to the floor, moaning.
+
+A long time later she dragged herself off the floor and back to the bed
+and lay there, sleepless, until early dawn. She was sick with the need
+to hurt and the need for love all scrambled inside her; she was
+imprisoned in her homosexuality and thinking ... thinking hard of Jack.
+
+The first daylight was coming in the window when Laura heard the door
+open and saw Tris glide across the floor toward her. Laura smothered a
+first harsh impulse to jump at her. Tris came on tiptoe, thinking Laura
+would be asleep, and when she saw Laura’s blue eyes staring at her, she
+was startled.
+
+Then she came and sat in silence on the edge of the bed and looked at
+Laura for a while, until Laura, who was restraining herself tightly, saw
+that Tris was crying. And the crying became suddenly audible and made
+Tris cover her face with her hands. Laura lay beside her, refusing to
+touch her, feeling her spite and misery soften a little, feeling even a
+shade of pity. She wanted to beat the girl and at the same time stroke
+her shaking shoulders.
+
+Tris turned her back to Laura and finally spoke with considerable
+effort. “I’m going out on the Island tomorrow,” she said. “For two
+weeks, a vacation. Come with me.”
+
+Laura stared at her back, frowning in disbelief. “What?” she said.
+
+“I want you to come with me,” Tris whispered. Her voice sounded, as once
+before, quite American.
+
+“You must enjoy torturing me,” Laura said.
+
+There was a long pause while Tris snatched a piece of face tissue from a
+box by the bed and blew her nose. Finally she said, “It was torture for
+me, too. But still, it was inexcusable, what I did to you. I was a
+beast. I—I can’t talk about it,” and she gave a quick sob. “But I
+promise it will never happen again—if you promise never to mention it.
+Promise?” And she turned and looked at Laura.
+
+“Why did you do it?” Laura asked.
+
+“I had to! I _had_ to! I wanted to hurt you—last night—you made me
+feel—” and her speech was clipped again and careful—“you made me want
+you so much, Laura. And I hate it! I _hate_ it!” She was almost
+shrieking.
+
+“Why?” Laura asked.
+
+“Because I’m not really a Lesbian. Not like you. It’s men I love, Laura.
+Really,” she added desperately.
+
+And Laura felt compassion for her. “You’re sick, Tris,” she said, but
+she said it kindly.
+
+“Sick?” And Tris went a strange ashy color that scared Laura. “How do
+you mean?”
+
+Laura realized then that she couldn’t destroy Tris’s illusion without
+destroying Tris. She raised herself to one elbow and brushed away the
+tears on Tris’s cheek. “Let’s put it this way,” she said. “If you feel
+like this about me, we shouldn’t be together any more. In two weeks we’d
+drive each other wild. I know you feel terrible about last night, Tris,
+I can see it. I know I can’t forget you, or forgive what you did. If we
+were living together, I’d want you and you’d hate me for it. And pretty
+soon I’d hate you too, for denying me.”
+
+“I won’t deny you, Laura,” Tris whispered, without looking at her. “I
+promise you. If you’d just let me do it my way. Don’t let it be like
+last night. When I feel as if I’m losing control, it’s as if I were
+drowning, as if I were losing my sanity along with my will. It’s as
+if—if I let it happen—I—I’ll lose my mind.” She spoke so painfully, with
+such evident anxiety, that Laura was touched.
+
+“Poor Tris,” she murmured, and smoothed her hair. “I thought I’d be
+pulling your hair out this morning, not playing with it,” she said,
+running her long fingers over the sleek black braid.
+
+“Come with me,” Tris pleaded. “Let me make it up to you.”
+
+“Where are you going? Fire Island?”
+
+“God, no!” Tris flared. “_That_ place! It’s crawling with queers. I
+wouldn’t go near it.”
+
+“Tris ...,” Laura said, a little hesitantly. Her ear did not betray her.
+Tris’s accent fluctuated strangely and roused her curiosity. She asked
+cautiously, “What part of India do you come from?”
+
+“Why do you ask?” And Tris’s eyes narrowed.
+
+Laura lifted her shoulders casually. “You never told me.”
+
+“I said New Delhi.”
+
+“Oh, yes.”
+
+“Besides, it has nothing to do with the vacation. I’m going to a place
+on Long Island. Stone Harbor. It’s not far from Montauk, on the north
+side. I have a cottage there for two weeks. It’s very secluded. No one
+will bother us. I was there last year and it’s really lovely. You’d like
+it, Laura, I know you would. You can swim every day—we’re only two
+blocks from the beach and—”
+
+“Tris?” Laura stopped the almost compulsive flow of speech and startled
+the dancer.
+
+“Yes?”
+
+“Why won’t you tell me about India?”
+
+“You wouldn’t be interested.”
+
+“I’d be fascinated. Everything about you fascinates me. For instance,
+what are you doing in this country?”
+
+“Dancing.”
+
+“Where are your parents?”
+
+“Dead.”
+
+“How did you get here?”
+
+“Scholarship.”
+
+“Are you a citizen?”
+
+“Laura, stop it! Why do you ask me such things? What has this to do with
+our vacation? I refuse to be quizzed like a criminal. We’ll leave
+tomorrow at eight. Can you be packed by then? I’ve rented a car.”
+
+“I can’t even get into my own apartment,” Laura admitted. “You fixed me
+up just fine.”
+
+“Of course you can. Call the police.” Her odd green eyes flashed.
+
+“No. Maybe Jack could get my things. I’ll call him.”
+
+“Who’s Jack?”
+
+“Jack? He’s a—sort of—fiancé. A permanent fiancé.” She smiled slightly.
+
+Tris snorted. “Does he know you are gay?”
+
+“Of course.” She would tell her no more. If Tris were going to seal her
+private life behind a wall of secrets, Laura could play it that way,
+too. “Can I use your phone?” she asked.
+
+“Yes. In the kitchen.” Tris followed her across the empty studio into
+the sunny blue and yellow kitchen and while Laura was dialing she asked,
+“You will come, of course?”
+
+“I’ll tell you in a minute,” Laura said. “... Jack?”
+
+“Good morning, Mother.”
+
+“Jack, I wonder if you could—if you’d mind going over to the apartment
+and getting my clothes. Do you think you could? I hate to ask you, but I
+don’t dare go near her.”
+
+“Sure,” he said. “Did you pass your test?”
+
+“My test? Oh.” She glanced at Tris. “I—I flunked,” she said and felt a
+tidal wave of pity and shame all at once. “Jack—I’m sorry. Oh, I’m so
+sorry. Let me come over—”
+
+“Come get your clothes at five,” he said. “I’ll leave the door open.”
+And he hung up.
+
+Laura surprised Tris by dropping into a chair and sobbing. Tris sat down
+opposite her and waited in silence till she caught her breath, expecting
+an explanation. But Laura only dried her eyes and asked for some coffee.
+
+Jack wasn’t home when she went to pick up her clothes. She had known he
+wouldn’t be there, and still it made her want to weep. She was in a blue
+mood, and even the sight of Tris, waiting for her outside at the wheel
+of a rented convertible, didn’t cheer her up. She made several trips
+with the clothes, leaving most of her other possessions behind, and on
+the last trip she wrote him a note. It said, in part:
+
+_You’re the only man I would ever marry, Jack. Maybe it will still work
+out. Tris wants me to spend two weeks with her on Long Island. I’ll call
+you the minute I get back. I’m crazy about her, but she’s a sick girl
+and I’ve had enough of wild scenes with sick lovers. I don’t know what
+to expect so am leaving most of my things here. Hope they won’t be too
+much in the way. I quit my job, by the way. Will find something else
+when I get back. Thank you so much for everything, Jack darling. Hope
+Beebo didn’t give you any trouble. Don’t start drinking, I’m not worth
+it. I love you. Laura._
+
+                   *       *       *       *       *
+
+The cabin had two bedrooms, a kitchen and a living room, and a bathroom.
+It was furnished à la 1935, full of sand and ants, but comfortable. The
+walk to the beach was short and just enough to get you pleasantly warm
+before you soaked in the salt water.
+
+There were a lot of other vacationers living all around them—young
+couples with dozens of hollering kids, mostly. Laura watched them
+romping on the sand, the little ones screaming and giggling and pouring
+water on each other. She wondered if she could ever want a child.
+
+She lay on the beach with Tris, the day after they arrived, and
+luxuriated in the sun. Tris had lathered herself lovingly with rich sun
+cream and was sitting under a huge beach umbrella that she had erected
+with the help of a young man they discovered while they looked for a
+place to lie down. He was not very subtle about his admiration, which he
+confined to Tris. And Laura was not very pleased to see her prance for
+him. But she said nothing.
+
+“You’ll burn to a crisp, Laura,” Tris warned her.
+
+“I put some stuff on,” Laura said lazily, wiggling a little and feeling
+the hot rays toast the backs of her legs.
+
+“Not enough for one so fair,” Tris maintained. “Such fair skin you
+have.” And Laura heard the yearning in her voice. “If mine were that
+light I would never expose it like you do. I’d do everything to keep it
+as light as I could. Even bleach it. They say buttermilk works wonders.”
+
+Laura looked up at her through eyes squinted against the sun. “Your skin
+is beautiful, Tris.”
+
+“Oh, not like yours,” Tris said, embarrassed.
+
+“How can you say that? You’re the prettiest color I ever saw.”
+
+“And you’re a dirty hypocrite!” Tris snapped.
+
+Laura stared at her, dumbfounded, for some seconds, before she answered
+softly, “No, I mean it.” She was afraid to say more. “You think I only
+say it to flatter you, don’t you?” she asked finally. “I won’t say it,
+then. I’d rather you turned your temper on yourself than on me.”
+
+After an elaborately casual pause, full of much smoothing lotion and
+gazing around, Tris said, “Do you really like my color?” The little-girl
+pleading in her voice touched Laura.
+
+“If I say yes, you call me a liar. If I say no you call me a bigot.”
+
+“Say yes.”
+
+“Yes.” And Laura smiled at her and Tris smiled back and gave Laura the
+feeling of false but sweet security.
+
+Tris said, “Did you ever notice, when we lie on the bed together, how we
+look?”
+
+Laura finished, “Yes, I noticed.” She looked at Tris in surprise. It
+wasn’t like her to mention such things. “Me so white and you so brown.
+It looks like poetry, Tris. Like music, if you could see music. Your
+body looks so warm and mine looks so cool. And inside, we’re just the
+other way around. Isn’t it funny? I’m the one who’s always on fire. And
+you’re the iceberg.” She laughed a little. “Maybe I can melt you,” she
+said.
+
+“Better not. The brown comes off,” Tris said cynically, but her strange
+thought excited Laura.
+
+“God, what a queer idea!” Laura said. “You’d have to touch me everywhere
+then, every corner of me, till we were both the same color. Then you’d
+be almost white and I’d be almost tan—and yet we’d be the same.” She
+looked at Tris with her squinty eyes that sparkled in the glancing sun.
+And Tris, struck herself by the strangeness of it, murmured, “I never
+thought of it that way.”
+
+Laura hoped Tris would look at it that way for the rest of the vacation.
+
+
+
+
+                                   7
+
+
+Jack walked into his apartment at five-thirty in the afternoon, tired
+and thirsty but dolefully sober. He was a stubborn man and he had
+dedicated all his resistance to fighting liquor. He meant to head for
+the kitchen and consume a pint of cider and fix himself some dinner.
+Since Laura had left five days ago he had not had much appetite. He did
+not admit that she would ever come back or that he had lost a battle. It
+was only a temporary setback. But it rocked him a little and it hurt him
+a lot.
+
+He came wearily down the hall, stuck his key belligerently into the lock
+and kicked his front door open. He dumped a paper bag full of light
+bulbs, cigarettes, and Scotch tape on a chair, switched on a light and
+started toward his kitchen. It came as a distinct shock to find Laura
+sitting on his sofa.
+
+He stared at her. She had her legs up, crossed, on the cocktail table,
+and her head back, gazing at the ceiling. She knew he was there, of
+course; she heard him come in. She turned and looked at him finally, and
+something in her face dispelled his melancholy. He felt elated. But he
+checked it carefully. He slipped his coat off without a word, dropped it
+on the chair with his package, and walked over to her, standing in front
+of her with his hands in his pockets.
+
+“Run out of suntan lotion?” he said.
+
+“No. But you’re out of whiskey.”
+
+“I gave it to Beebo. Traded it for your clothes.”
+
+“Take the clothes back and get the whiskey.”
+
+“Later,” he said, and smiled. Then he added, “Was it bad?”
+
+“Very bad,” Laura said and for a moment they both feared she would start
+crying. But she didn’t.
+
+“Want to tell me?”
+
+“Jack,” she said with an ironic little smile. “You’ll have to write a
+book about me someday. I tell you everything.”
+
+He grinned. “I’ll leave that to somebody else. But I’m saving my notes,
+just in case.” He sat down beside her. “Well, it could only be one of
+three things, seeing that she’s gay,” he said. “She’s a whore.”
+
+“No.”
+
+“A junkie.”
+
+“No.”
+
+“—or she’s married.”
+
+“She’s married.”
+
+He lighted a cigarette with a long sigh, his eyes bright on her.
+
+“How did you know?” she asked.
+
+“I didn’t. But it had to be something that would shock you. And you seem
+pretty damn nervous about the idea of gay people being married.” He
+paused and she had to drop her glance. “Does she hate him?” he asked
+returning to Tris.
+
+“Most of the time. God, Jack, I need a drink.”
+
+“Steady, Mother. My neighbor always has a supply. I’ll fix you up.” He
+came back in less than three minutes with a bottle of sparkling
+burgundy.
+
+“Ugh!” Laura said. But she took it gratefully.
+
+“Now,” he said, settling down on the cocktail table with a cup of
+instant coffee, “begin at the beginning.”
+
+Laura rubbed her forehead and then sipped the prickly drink. “It started
+... beautifully,” she said. “Like a dream. It was all hot sand and cool
+water and kisses. We held hands in the movie, we sat up till all hours
+in front of the fireplace with a bottle of Riesling and sang, and
+danced. We traded secrets and we made plans. We made a boat trip to the
+point—”
+
+“Did you make love?”
+
+“You just can’t wait, can you?” she said, half teasing, half irritated.
+
+“My future may depend on it,” he said and shrugged.
+
+There was a long reflective pause and finally Laura said, sadly, “Yes.
+We made love. Only once.”
+
+“And that was the end?”
+
+“It wasn’t that simple. You see, she—well, she flirted. She flirted with
+men until I thought I couldn’t stand it. Till I wanted to flirt myself
+to get even, if only I weren’t so damn awkward with men. She’s not.
+She’s a genius with them. She didn’t give a damn if they were married or
+not. She had them all proposing to her.
+
+“After the first couple of days it got intolerable. She had been making
+me sleep on one bed and she took the other. And after she turned the
+lights out she made a rule—no bed hopping.”
+
+“And you obeyed her little rule?”
+
+“I had to, Jack,” she defended herself. “We had a sort of agreement
+before we left the Village.... It was supposed to be up to her to choose
+the time and place.”
+
+“That’s the lousiest agreement _you_ ever made, Mother,” he commented.
+
+“No. She’s sick, you see. Really. She thinks she’s straight. And if you
+hint she’s not, she gets terrified. Almost hysterical. She can’t accept
+it.”
+
+“Why do you always fall for these well adjusted ladies?” he asked.
+
+“Beth was well adjusted.”
+
+“Beth is dead. As far as you’re concerned.” Laura glared at him while he
+smiled slightly, lighting another cigarette from the one he was
+finishing. “So Tris is a queer queer,” he said. “And she flirts with the
+opposite sex. Very subversive. So what came next?”
+
+“Well, they followed us home—”
+
+“Who?”
+
+“Men!” she flashed peevishly. “They followed us at the beach, in the
+bars, in the stores. They followed _Tris_, I should say. I was cold as
+hell with them. I tried to keep quiet about it, but after three days of
+it I blew up. We had a miserable quarrel, and I was ready to pack up and
+leave right then. But she relented suddenly. I don’t know why. I think
+she really likes me, Jack. Anyway, she got drunk. Just enough so that
+she wouldn’t have to watch what I did to her ... or hear what I said to
+her ... or care too much....”
+
+“That’s pretty drunk,” Jack said. He knew from the way she spoke that it
+had hurt her to make love like that, wanting so much herself, and
+herself so unwanted. “I know, Laura honey, I know the feeling,” he said
+and the words comforted her.
+
+“Jack, I hope I always love you this much,” she said softly.
+
+He looked up from his coffee cup with a little smile. “So do I,” he
+said. And they looked at each other without speaking for a minute before
+she went on.
+
+“Well,” she said, “it was torture. I didn’t want it any more than she
+did, if it had to be so cold and sad, and at the same time I _had_ to
+have her. I was on fire for her. I have to give her credit, Jack, she
+tried. But it didn’t mean anything to her.”
+
+“It’s a lonesome job,” Jack said. “And it’s never worth it.”
+
+“I cried all night,” Laura said. “Afterwards ... I just got in my own
+bed and cried. And she was awake all night too, but she didn’t come to
+me or try to comfort me. I think she was embarrassed. I think she just
+wished she’d never gotten mixed up with me.
+
+“The next night—around dinner time—her husband arrived. I don’t know
+whether she got sick of me or just scared and called him, or if they got
+their dates scrambled and he came too soon. You see, it turned out she
+had planned to meet him out there all along, after I left. But maybe I
+got to be too much for her and she told him to come and chase me out....
+I don’t know. There wasn’t time to go into the fine points. But I think
+myself she needed a man just then, to make herself feel normal. And
+protected.”
+
+“What was he like?”
+
+“A nice guy. He really is. I know I sound—Tris would say—hypocritical.
+But I liked him. I understood right away, the minute I saw him, an awful
+lot of things about Tris.”
+
+“How?”
+
+Laura paused, gazing seriously at Jack. At last she explained, “He’s a
+Negro. And so is she. Only he’s much darker than Tris. Very handsome,
+but he’d never pass as an Indian. And right away he humiliated her,
+without meaning to.” She smiled sadly. “She’s from New York, Jack. She
+was born right here and her name is Patsy Robinson. She’s only seventeen
+but they’ve been married two years. She makes him keep out of sight
+because she thinks he’d be a drag on her career. That’s why she tells
+everybody she’s Indian, too—because she wants to get ahead and she
+thinks it makes it easier.”
+
+Jack shook his head. “I feel for her,” he said.
+
+“And I weep for her,” Laura said. “You should have seen her, Jack. She
+was wild when Milo talked about her fake Indian past. I think it made
+him pretty damn mad. That, and all the flirting, and having to live
+apart. And her gay and him straight! Lord, what a mess. He’s in love
+with her; she’s his wife. And she denies him, and hides him.”
+
+Laura stopped talking then for a little while, sipping the burgundy and
+staring at her feet. “I took the bus back,” she said at last. “She
+screamed at me to leave. Milo apologized for her. That poor guy.”
+
+“Do you still think you love her?” Jack asked.
+
+“I don’t know.” She sighed. “She fascinates me. I feel sick about it,
+about the way things happened. If I thought I could stand it I’d go back
+to her. But I know I couldn’t. What is love, anyway, Jack?”
+
+“‘If you have to ask you never get to know,’” he quoted. “More?” He
+reached for her glass and she relinquished it with an unsteady hand. She
+felt completely lost, completely frustrated.
+
+“What’s Beebo doing?” she asked.
+
+He picked up the bottle and poured some more wine into her glass. “All
+kinds of things,” he said. “She got fired, of course. Hadn’t showed up
+for weeks.”
+
+“Of course,” Laura repeated, bowing her head.
+
+“She’s shacking up with Lili at the moment.”
+
+“Ohhh,” Laura groaned, and it made her feel dismal to think of it. She
+felt a spasm of possessiveness for Beebo. “Lili is a terrible influence
+on her,” she said irritably.
+
+“So are you.” He handed her her drink. “The worst.”
+
+“Not _that_ bad.”
+
+“Life with you,” he reminded her, “damn near killed the girl.”
+
+“And me,” Laura replied. “Did she leave the apartment?”
+
+“No, she gets over there from time to time.”
+
+“I wonder how she pays the rent.”
+
+“It isn’t due yet,” he said. “Besides, I imagine Lili can help out.”
+
+Laura shut her eyes suddenly, overwhelmed with a maddening tenderness
+for Beebo. “I hate her!” she said emphatically to Jack. And he, with his
+uncanny ear for emotion, didn’t like the emphasis.
+
+After a slight pause he said, “I got her a dog. Another dachshund pup.”
+
+“That was nice of you,” she said to him in the tone mothers use when
+someone has done a kindly favor for their children.
+
+“Beebo didn’t think so. She didn’t know whether to kiss it or throw it
+at me,” he said. “She finally kissed it. But the poor thing died two
+days later ... yesterday, it was.”
+
+“It died?”
+
+“Yes.” He looked at her sharply. “I think she ... shall we say—put it to
+sleep?”
+
+“Oh, Jack!” she breathed, shocked. “_Why?_ Did it remind her of Nix?”
+
+“I don’t know. It didn’t cheer her up, that’s for damn sure.”
+
+Laura sat there for a while, letting him fill her glass a couple of
+times and listening to the FM radio and trying not to feel sorry for
+Beebo. “She doesn’t really need me any more, Jack,” she told him.
+
+“I do,” he said, and she smiled.
+
+“You didn’t fall off the wagon,” she said. “I’m so glad. I was afraid
+you might.”
+
+“I never get drunk over the women in my life,” he said sardonically.
+“Only over the boys. And there are no more boys in my life. Now or
+ever.”
+
+Laura swirled the royal purple liquid in her long-stemmed glass and
+whispered into it, “Do you think I could make you happy, Jack?”
+
+“Are you proposing, Mother?”
+
+She swallowed and looked up at him with butterflies in her stomach.
+“Yes,” she said.
+
+He sat quite still and smiled slowly at her. And then he got up and came
+to her and kissed her cheeks, one after the other, holding her head
+tenderly in his hands.
+
+“I accept,” he said.
+
+                   *       *       *       *       *
+
+The day was hot and muggy, one of those insufferably humid August days
+in New York. Laura and Jack waited together outside the office of Judge
+Sterling Webster with half a dozen other sweating, hand-clasping
+couples.
+
+Jack wasted no time when Laura said yes. As fast as arrangements could
+be made, they were made. Laura stayed with him in the Village apartment
+a few days while they hunted for another apartment, cooking for him and
+getting the feel of living with him. During the days, when he was out,
+she went uptown. This was Jack’s idea. He had no intention of making his
+bride a sitting duck for Beebo. It was only for four days, anyway, and
+much to Laura’s surprise, Beebo made no attempt to reach her.
+
+They had found the apartment on the east side two days after Laura got
+back from the disillusioning sojourn with Tris. It was too expensive,
+but it was newly renovated, lustrous with new paint, elegant with a new
+elevator, and bursting with chic tenants.
+
+“We can’t afford it,” was Laura’s first comment, to which Jack replied,
+smiling, “You’re beginning to sound like a wife already.”
+
+And now, here they were, waiting on yellow oak chairs in the hall, while
+one couple after another passed in and out of the judge’s office with
+the classic stars in their eyes.
+
+Laura, who was sitting quietly in her chair, said, “They all look so
+happy,” and drew courage from the fact.
+
+“They’re scared witless,” Jack said, pacing up and down in front of her.
+
+“Jack!” Laura exclaimed, appalled. “They’ll hear you.”
+
+“Ours will be a happier marriage than any of these,” he said with a
+contemptuous wave of his hand. He sat down suddenly beside her. “Ours
+could be damn near perfect, Laura, if we work at it a little. You know
+that? We won’t have to face the usual pitfalls. Ours will be different
+... better.”
+
+“I hope so, Jack,” she said in a near whisper, and a little thrill of
+passionate hope went through her.
+
+“Will you try, honey?” he asked.
+
+“I will. With all my heart I will.” She gave him a tremulous smile. “I
+want this to work, Jack, as much as you do. I’ll give it all I’ve got. I
+want terribly for it to be right.” And she meant it.
+
+“Then it will,” he said and his smile gave her a needed shot of
+confidence.
+
+Laura had had some bad nights since she said yes to him. Awful hours of
+yearning for Tris had tormented her. Stray unwelcome thoughts of Beebo
+had hurt her even more.
+
+There were the lonely times when she thought about herself and Jack, so
+different, so dear to each other, and wondered if marital intimacy might
+not ruin it all with its innocent vulgarity. She tried to imagine Jack
+shaving in the morning ... the toilet flushing ... his wrinkled pajamas,
+still warm from sleep, tossed on the floor ... his naked loneliness
+mutely reproaching her. The idea of living with a man ... a _man_ ...
+made her think of her father, her huge heavy domineering father, with
+his aggressive maleness stamped all over his body.
+
+But for the most part, Laura tried not to think at all. She let Jack do
+her thinking. She let Jack make the plans. She let Jack take her by the
+hand and lead her where he deemed it best for her to go. And, trusting
+him, she went.
+
+So here they were outside Judge Sterling Webster’s door with its glass
+window and neatly stenciled name, and they were next in line. Their
+predecessors in the marriage mill were slower than the rest, or so it
+seemed. And by the time they came out Jack was very nervous.
+
+He herded her in ahead of him, and Judge Webster, as dignified and
+antique as his name, stood to greet them with an extended hand.
+
+In less than five minutes he pronounced them man and wife and they
+signed the certificate of marriage. Jack turned to Laura and kissed his
+tall and trembling young wife on her cheek. He gave the Judge ten
+dollars, and then he took Laura’s arm and steered her out again to let
+the next impatient couple take over.
+
+Laura had to sit down for a minute on one of the limed oak chairs and
+cover her face with her hands. Jack leaned over her and said, “You’re
+setting a lousy example, Mother. Every female here is watching you and
+figuring me for a wife-beater. Come on, Mrs. Mann.”
+
+She looked up and saw him grinning at her, and it gave her a lift. She
+grasped his hand and let him pull her to her feet. He was beaming, and
+Laura had to smile at all the nervous cynicism of half an hour ago.
+
+They went straight to the apartment to rest for a while before they went
+out to dinner. Jack had made reservations for them at the Stork Club.
+
+“We’ll have a proper honeymoon at Christmastime,” he said, when they
+reached the house on East Fifty-third. “I’ll take a month off then. I
+have it coming.”
+
+Ignoring Laura’s protests, he insisted on carrying her across the
+threshold. He swung her up easily, to their mutual pleasure.
+
+“Jack, I think you’re the world’s worst sentimentalist,” she teased him
+when he set her down, but he denied it at once.
+
+“God forbid!” he said. “I just don’t want anything to go wrong. We’re
+going to do it all right, right from the start.”
+
+“And you’re superstitious.”
+
+He laughed with delight. “Laura,” he said and came to take her hands.
+“I’m so happy. You’ve made me so happy.”
+
+“I haven’t done a thing, yet,” she said, wondering a little at him, at
+his uncontainable good spirits.
+
+“You’ve married me. That’s something,” he said. “I’m a married man. God
+Almighty, think of it!”
+
+“If you were any prouder you’d explode,” she giggled.
+
+“I just may,” he said. And they gazed at each other with a huge,
+wordless approval and relief.
+
+“This calls for a celebration,” he said suddenly. “I got a little
+something—”
+
+“Oh, Jack, no drinking,” she said. “I don’t have to have a drink,
+really. I don’t want you to get started.”
+
+“No nagging on our wedding day,” he said and produced a bottle of
+champagne from the refrigerator. He poured her a glassful and himself a
+swallow. “Medicinal,” he explained, and they toasted each other. He made
+her drink all of hers and kept pace with her with ginger ale. “I feel so
+good, by God, I don’t even need it,” he said, and laughed.
+
+Laura watched him affectionately. She had never seen him so animated, so
+happy. He glowed with it. He was almost handsome, with his brilliant
+eyes and his proud smile. It made her feel a little like crying, and she
+stopped him in the middle of a delirious tirade of compliments to say,
+“Jack, please. You embarrass me. I’m afraid I won’t live up to it all.”
+
+“Oh, but you will. I’ll beat you if you don’t,” he said, laughing, and
+kissed her cheek. And she caught his hands and kissed them.
+
+“You’d think we were a couple of normal people,” she said.
+
+He sobered a little, sitting down on the floor in front of her. “They
+have no monopoly on happiness, Mother. We have a right to our share. We
+have a chance now. We can make something beautiful of it together.” He
+stopped and chuckled at himself. “I sound like a bad poem,” he said.
+“But I mean it. I have so many wonderful plans, so many hopes.” And the
+thought of that bright-eyed little girl he had cherished for so long
+danced into his head.
+
+Laura couldn’t look at his face. She got up and went to lie on her bed.
+
+They stayed up very late and Laura had too much champagne and Jack had
+too much ginger ale, and they talked endlessly and held one another’s
+hands tightly. And the next day they slept until four in the afternoon
+and got up smiling to treat Laura’s hangover and make the beds and shop
+for groceries together. And Jack introduced her to the butcher with,
+“Meet my wife. She’s a doll.”
+
+Laura blushed crimson and the butcher laughed at them and tried to sell
+them some oysters. “You want kids? Buy oysters,” he advised. “Never
+fails. I know, I got eight.”
+
+It was smooth and sweet the first few months; smoother than either of
+them had dared to hope. Laura was naturally mild and yielding; Jack,
+efficient and good-humored and terribly proud of her. As soon as they
+had enough chairs and crates collected to seat a fair number of guests,
+they threw a party and Jack’s office staff came to wish them well.
+
+None of them knew he was a homosexual. Jack was a past master at
+deception. “You have to be if you’re going to survive in the world,” he
+said to her once. “It’s either that or retire into a rotten little
+prison with the rest of the gay people and spend your life feeling sorry
+for yourself. No thanks, not for me. Sex rules my nights. But by God, as
+far as the world knows, I’m a normal man from dawn to dusk. And there
+isn’t one guy in that office who’d question it.”
+
+She admired him for it. Her own vagrant sensuality had dominated her
+ever since the fatal day she first recognized it, and her efforts to
+hide it or deny it had always backfired sooner or later. Jack filled her
+with determination to make herself a part of what he called “the real
+world,” the _straight_ world. He made it seem very desirable to her for
+the first time.
+
+Jack’s office buddies brought their wives, except for two dauntless
+bachelors who spent the evening berating Jack for treason.
+
+“Are they gay?” Laura asked him in a whisper. “The unmarried ones?”
+
+“Not gay, just scared,” he said. “Winslow is, though. That one over
+there with the gorgeous wife. Poor guy, I don’t think he knows it. They
+aren’t very happy.” And he nodded at the suave young man in his early
+thirties with a stunning and rather bored young woman beside him. Laura
+looked at the girl without a trace of desire and felt a quiet little
+spark of triumph. The future looked bright if she could be around so
+lovely a woman without even a hungry glance.
+
+The autumn months passed uneventfully, and they got used to each other,
+and most of their worst fears abated. Jack never wandered around the
+apartment naked, out of instinctive respect for Laura. He did drop his
+socks all over the floor and leave his dresser drawers open. But he
+never lost his temper. He took her out to dinner once or twice a week,
+and he brought her flowers and books and pretty things that caught his
+eye in the windows of the stores he passed.
+
+And he loved her. It sustained Laura through her low hours of doubt and
+confusion. She was the weak one of the two, and they both knew it. There
+were times when Jack had to be strong enough for both of them; times
+when Laura would cling to him weeping and tell him it was all a horrible
+mistake and she couldn’t live without Tris, no matter how godawful it
+would be.
+
+And then he didn’t argue with her. He only said, “If you have to go, go,
+but come back. I want you here tonight at dinner time. I want you here
+in the morning when I get up. There’ll be women in your life, I’m
+prepared for that, honey. Tris won’t be the last. But there’s only one
+man, and there will only be one man and don’t you ever forget it.”
+
+He sounded so sensible and firm to her that her unrest would disappear.
+Now and then, when she was not in a passion for Tris, they talked about
+it. And she would say, “I know it’ll happen one of these days, but I
+won’t let it hurt us, Jack. When I can think about it like this,
+rationally and without fear, I know I can handle it. I won’t panic when
+the time comes. I’ll just accept it as quietly as I can. I won’t let it
+touch our marriage.”
+
+“Good girl,” he said and squeezed her arm.
+
+There was no sex between them. Neither of them wanted it, and that was
+the way they planned it. Jack would make her take his arm when they went
+anywhere because he was proud of her. And he gave her a friendly peck
+when he left in the morning and when he came back at night. When she was
+frightened or depressed he held her and stroked her hair and talked to
+her the way she had always prayed her father would. And he liked to lie
+with his head in her lap and have her read to him before they went to
+bed.
+
+But that was the limit of their physical contact. It was affectionate
+and gentle but utterly sexless. After the first few weeks, Laura began
+to like it. She had been shy at first and reluctant. But he didn’t force
+her, and after a while she welcomed his little gestures of love. They
+spelled security and reassurance to her. Suddenly it occurred to her
+that Jack was a man who was taking care of his woman. And she relaxed.
+She felt her nerves ease and her tension relax. The apartment was quiet
+and pretty, and Laura, who was lazy as a cat for the first time in her
+life, felt like a princess.
+
+They felt a mutual gratitude toward each other. Jack came home for the
+first time in his life to a warm kitchen and a charming young wife. And
+just the thought of Laura reminded him, with a deep fine thrill, that he
+was married; he was truly a man. It was worth a lifetime of homosexual
+adventures.
+
+Laura went to pains to please him, to show him that she cared and that
+she was working to make things right as she had promised him. And they
+were, all things considered, happy.
+
+                   *       *       *       *       *
+
+It wasn’t until Terry’s letter came, forwarded from Jack’s old address
+in the Village, that Laura felt even the slightest apprehension that
+anything was to go wrong. And the note was postmarked San Francisco and
+seemed so far away that she recovered promptly from the first shock and
+sat in the kitchen with the rest of the mail on the table in front of
+her, wondering what to do.
+
+Laura and Jack had made a strict rule never to open each other’s mail
+and never to ask prying questions. But Laura hated to think of the turn
+it would give Jack to have this ghost from his past rise up to haunt
+him.
+
+She turned and looked out the window at the sparse snow, falling that
+first day of December, and played with Terry’s letter, letting it slip
+from corner to corner through her fingers. She burned with curiosity.
+
+_I could just steam it open_, she mused. _He’d never know the
+difference. Damn that Terry anyway! Who does he think he is! After the
+hell he put Jack through, he has a lot of nerve. I’ll bet he wants some
+money._
+
+She could bear it no longer. She got up and went to the stove, where she
+had a kettle full of hot water left over from breakfast, and turned the
+heat on under it. The glued flap of the envelope surrendered to the
+steam in a quiet curl. Laura held the letter a moment longer before
+opening it, feeling very guilty. But she loved Jack and she felt a
+fierce desire to spare him more pain. Besides, her curiosity was
+smothering her. She rationalized that Jack had told her himself he had
+given up the gay life forever, and that included Terry. What if this set
+him to drinking again?
+
+She sat down and pulled the letter out with nervous hands. It was rather
+a short note, folded twice, and she opened it and read it quickly. It
+was not dated.
+
+   “Dear Jack. Have been out here in S.F. since September. What a crazy
+   town. You’d love it. Have a nice apartment on Telegraph Hill with a
+   kid I met at a party a month ago. (Not the same one you beat up the
+   night you kicked me out.)”
+
+_God! He just has to rub it in. He’s just the kind of guy to mention
+such a thing_, Laura thought, hot with indignation.
+
+   “Don’t know how long I’ll be out here. I sort of miss the Village.
+   And you. Why don’t you come out for a visit? We’ve got lots of
+   room.”
+
+_He doesn’t seem to realize it would damn near kill Jack_, Laura
+thought. _He’s hopeless. It never occurs to him that Jack would go crazy
+in a situation like that. Or does it?_
+
+Laura was used to the idea of Terry as a good-natured scatterbrained boy
+who hurt people, mostly Jack, with monotonous regularity—largely because
+he didn’t think about what he was doing. Usually, this was true enough.
+But the rest of his letter made her wonder if he weren’t deliberately
+needling Jack, trying to get him to come out to the coast.
+
+She continued to read the tidy blue ink script.
+
+   “I do miss you, lover. I was always so unsettled before we met.”
+
+_Before, after, and during_, Laura fumed.
+
+   “And now it’s worse than before. I used to feel so safe and
+   comfortable with you, like you’d always watch out for me, no matter
+   what. I guess that’s a selfish way to look at it, but I wish we were
+   back together. If you by any chance want it that way too, write to
+   me. Write to me anyway, I really want to hear from you. Love,
+   Terry.”
+
+He signed his name with an elaborate flourish, like a fifth-grade child
+drunk on the possibilities of fancy penmanship.
+
+Laura folded the letter and stuck it back in the envelope and wrote a
+brief sizzling note in answer. She said:
+
+   “Terry—Jack and I are married. You are not welcome here, now or
+   ever. Jack asked me to write and tell you that he does not want to
+   be bothered with any more letters from you and he will not answer
+   any if you do write. Please leave us alone. Laura.”
+
+It sounded sharp and cold, and she had a momentary feeling of misgiving.
+Terry was a nice kid, in spite of it all. Everybody liked him, even
+Laura. But she couldn’t risk having him torment Jack. It had to sound
+mean or he wouldn’t believe it. She put the note in an envelope, sealed
+and stamped it, and copied his San Francisco address on it. Then she
+burned Terry’s letter over the stove.
+
+When Jack came home that evening Laura’s note was in the mail and
+Terry’s was in ashes in the wastebasket.
+
+“Any mail?” he asked her.
+
+“Just a bill from the laundry,” she said.
+
+But it bothered her. It came to her at odd moments and it seemed ominous
+and frightening to her, like the first sign of a break-up. She had
+broken her promise to him, and it didn’t help much to tell herself she
+did it only to protect him. _I’m not going to let anybody hurt what
+we’ve got, least of all Terry Fleming_, she thought.
+
+The thought of having it all end between her and Jack, suddenly and
+cruelly, in one big drunk on Jack’s part or wild romance on hers, scared
+and depressed her. It mustn’t end that way. They needed each other too
+much. Their marriage had helped them think of each other as normal. They
+felt as if they knew where they were going now and life was much better.
+
+Laura missed women. She missed them desperately sometimes. But she was
+sure now, deep within herself, that the time would come when she and
+Jack would be secure with each other for the rest of their lives; when
+they would be able to trust each other without reservation and trust the
+strength of their union. When they reached that point, it would be safe
+to satisfy her desires.
+
+As for Jack, he was through with men forever. He had said it and she
+believed him. The thought that he might take a lover himself some day
+never occurred to her. It just wouldn’t happen. Nor had she asked him
+about Terry. Jack was so determinedly happy with her that she was afraid
+to mention Terry.
+
+It seemed strange to Laura, however, that Beebo didn’t try to find her.
+She might have found them, one way or another. But there was no word
+from her. Laura couldn’t help wanting to know what she was doing. She
+didn’t feel the old, urgent, painful need for Tris, but there was a
+persistent want that was strong enough to make her wince now and then.
+
+Jack told her once, “If anything bothers you, tell me about it. Don’t
+sit around letting it eat you up. Better to talk about it and get it out
+of your system.”
+
+And when he saw that she was pensive he made her talk. But when he
+didn’t see it, she kept it to herself. There were times when Laura
+couldn’t share her feelings, when she just hugged them to herself and
+brooded.
+
+Several times she had nearly talked herself into going down to the
+Village to wander around. She wouldn’t go near her old apartment. Or
+Tris’s studio. Or even Lili’s apartment. She wasn’t a fool, she wouldn’t
+risk being caught.
+
+But she was tempted, sometimes almost hypnotized, by the idea.
+
+
+
+
+                                   8
+
+
+It was Christmas Eve. They had a fine big tree, freshly green in a sea
+of lights and tinsel. No honeymoon, as they had hoped; the office
+couldn’t spare Jack. So they had a party instead.
+
+“I hate those damn pink trees,” Jack had said when they picked theirs
+out. “Or gold, or white, or whatever-the-hell color they’re making them
+this year. Give me a nice healthy green.”
+
+They celebrated at the party and Jack drank eggnog without whiskey and
+Laura was very pleased with him. There was a lovely girl there—unmarried
+and probably gay. Laura flirted with her in spite of herself.
+
+Jack teased her about it when they met briefly in the kitchen—he to make
+drinks and she to get more hors d’oeuvres from the refrigerator. “Looks
+like you got a live one,” he said.
+
+Laura blushed. “Was I too obvious?” she asked, scared.
+
+“No,” he said. “I just have X-ray eyes, remember?”
+
+“I shouldn’t—”
+
+“Oh, hell,” he said with a good-natured wave of his hand. “Flirt, it’s
+good for you. Just don’t elope with her.” He gave her a grin and went
+out, holding five highballs precariously. She felt a flush of love for
+him, watching him.
+
+It was three a.m. Christmas day before they got rid of everybody. Laura
+threw herself in their expensive new sofa and surveyed the wreckage with
+a sigh.
+
+“I’m not even going to pick it up,” she said. “I’m not going to touch a
+thing till morning.”
+
+“That’s the spirit,” Jack said. He fixed them both a cup of coffee,
+settled down beside her in the rainbow glow of the Christmas tree and
+took her hand with a sigh of satisfaction.
+
+“That’s the first goddam Christmas tree I ever had,” he said. And when
+she laughed he protested solemnly, “Honest. And this is the first
+Christmas that ever meant anything to me.” He turned his head, resting
+against the back of the sofa, and smiled at her....
+
+“You shouldn’t swear at Christmas,” Laura told him.
+
+He gazed at her for a while and then asked, “Are you in love with
+Kristi? Wasn’t that her name?”
+
+“Yes, it was her name. No, I’m not in love. With anybody.”
+
+“Me?”
+
+“Oh, you. That’s different.”
+
+She smiled a little and sipped her coffee, and then she leaned back on
+the sofa beside him, absorbed in the soft sparkle of the tree.
+
+Jack was still watching her. “Laura?” he said in an exploratory voice.
+
+“Hm?”
+
+“What would you think of adopting a child?”
+
+She stared at a golden pine cone, her face suddenly a cautious blank. “I
+don’t know,” she said.
+
+“Have you ever thought about it?”
+
+“A little.”
+
+“What did you think?”
+
+“I told you. Kids scare me.”
+
+He bit his underlip, frowning. “I want one,” he said at last. “Would you
+be willing to—_have_ one?”
+
+“You mean—” She swallowed. “—get pregnant?”
+
+“Yes,” he said, smiling at her outraged face. “Oh, don’t worry, Mother.
+We’d do it the easy way.”
+
+“There is no easy way!” she fired at him. “What way?”
+
+He took a long drag on his cigarette and answered, “Artificial
+insemination.” She gasped, but he went on quickly, “Now before you get
+your dander up let me explain. I’ve thought it all out. Either we could
+adopt one, or—and this would be much better—we could _have_ one. Our
+own. We can tell the Doc we’ve had trouble and let him try the
+insemination. There’s nothing to it, it doesn’t take five minutes. It
+doesn’t hurt. And if it worked ... God! Our own kid. You wouldn’t be
+afraid of your own, honey.”
+
+There was a long pause while Laura sweated in silent alarm. Why did he
+bring it up tonight? Why? When they were so contented and pleased with
+each other, and the world was such a place of glittering enchantment.
+
+“Couldn’t we wait and talk about it later?” she asked.
+
+“Why not now?”
+
+“Couldn’t I have time to think about it?”
+
+“Sure. Think,” he said and she knew he meant, _I’ll give you five
+minutes to make up your mind_.
+
+“Jack, why do we have to do it right now? Why can’t we wait? We’ve only
+been married five months.”
+
+“I can’t wait very long, Mother,” he said. “I’m forty-five. I don’t want
+to be an old man on crutches when my kid is growing up.”
+
+“Maybe in the spring,” she said. The idea of becoming a mother terrified
+her. She had visions of herself hurting the baby, doing everything
+wrong; visions of her old passion coming on her and shaming them all;
+selfish thoughts of her beautiful, new, leisurely laziness being ruined.
+
+“What would I ever tell any child of mine if it caught me—with a woman?”
+she said awkwardly.
+
+“Tell it for Chrissake to knock before entering a room,” he said, and
+something in his voice and manner told her that he had set his heart on
+this long ago.
+
+“Would you _insist_ on having a baby, Jack?” she asked him defiantly.
+
+He was looking at the ceiling and he expelled a cloud of blue smoke at
+it and answered softly, “I want you to be happy, Laura. This marriage is
+for both of us.”
+
+There was a long silence. “I think I would hate myself if I ever got
+pregnant,” she said, ashamed of her vanity but clinging to it
+stubbornly. “God, how awful. All those aches and pains and months of
+looking like hell, and for what? What if the baby weren’t normal? What
+if I couldn’t be a good mother to it?”
+
+He shrugged and then he said, “All right. We’ll adopt one. That way at
+least we can be sure of getting a girl.”
+
+Laura wrung her hands together in a nervous frenzy. The last thing she
+wanted to do was hurt Jack. And yet she could feel the dogged
+one-mindedness in him, feel his enormous desire.
+
+“A man needs a child,” he said softly. “So does a woman. That’s the
+whole reason for life. There is no other.” And he glanced up at her and
+all the Christmas lights reflected on the lenses of his glasses. “We
+can’t live our lives just for ourselves,” he said. “Or we live them for
+nothing. We die, monuments to selfishness.... I want a child, Laura.”
+
+“Is that why you married me?” she asked with sudden sharpness, feeling
+as if he had cornered her.
+
+“I married you because I love you,” he said.
+
+“Then why do you keep badgering me about a child?” she demanded.
+
+“This is the first time I’ve mentioned it since we got married,” he
+reminded her gently.
+
+“You act as if just because _you_ want one it’s all settled,” she said,
+and surprised herself by bursting into tears. He took her in his arms,
+abandoning his cigarette, and said, “No, honey, nothing’s settled. But
+think about it, Laura. Think hard.”
+
+They sat that way, hugging each other and watching the Christmas tree,
+letting the cigarette slowly burn itself out, and they didn’t mention it
+again. But from that moment on it was very big between them, unspoken
+but felt.
+
+                   *       *       *       *       *
+
+Jack did not mention a child to her again for a while. But as the weeks
+slipped by Laura began to feel a growing dissatisfaction. She didn’t
+know where it came from or what it meant. At home, in the apartment, it
+was shapeless. Outside it took the shape of girls. When she went out for
+groceries or to shop or to have dinner with Jack, she found herself
+looking around hopefully, gazing a little too boldly, desiring. Jack saw
+it too before long, but he said nothing.
+
+Laura felt selfish, and she didn’t like the feeling. She blamed it on
+Jack. It made her want to get away from him for a bit. And soon the wish
+crystallized in her mind to a desire for the Village, and began to haunt
+her.
+
+She knew she ought to tell Jack she wanted to go. He would never stand
+in her way, as long as she was there at night to cook his meals and be a
+fond companion to him. As long as she let him in on it and kept it
+clean.
+
+But she was embarrassed. She didn’t want to tell him and see his
+disappointment and know she was so much weaker than he. So she kept it
+secret and let it fester inside her until it had grown, by March, to a
+great, irritating problem.
+
+Then, one fine, sunny morning in the first week of spring, the phone
+rang.
+
+_It’ll be Ginny Winston_, she thought. One of their neighbors. _She’ll
+want to go shopping again. I guess we might as well, it’ll keep me out
+of trouble._ Ginny was thirty-five, a widow, a nice girl but hopelessly
+man-happy.
+
+Laura grabbed the receiver after the fourth ring. “Hello?” she said.
+
+“Laura? How are you?”
+
+“Fine, thanks. Who’s this?”
+
+“Terry.”
+
+“Terry who?” She gasped suddenly. “Terry! Terry Fleming?”
+
+“Yes.” He chuckled. “Guess how I found you?”
+
+She hung up. She just slammed the phone down in place and stood there
+shaking. Then she sat down and cried, waiting for the thing to start
+ringing again. She had no doubt it would.
+
+It did. She picked it up again, and before he could say anything she
+told him, “I don’t care how you found us. I don’t want you around here.
+Don’t you come near this place Terry, or I’ll—I don’t know what I’ll do.
+You can’t, you mustn’t. Do you hear me?”
+
+“Yes,” he said, astonished. “What’s the matter?”
+
+“Didn’t you get my letter?” she asked him.
+
+“Sure. You’re married. Congratulations, I always thought it’d happen.
+You got a great guy there, Laur. I wish I had him.” And he laughed
+pleasantly.
+
+“Terry, you’re incredible,” she said. “I don’t want you to come near
+Jack. That’s final.”
+
+“Go on,” he laughed. “I thought I’d come over this afternoon.”
+
+“You can’t!” She felt as she did in nightmares when she tried to talk
+and no one could hear her. She felt as if all her words fell on deaf
+ears.
+
+“Sure I can. I thought we’d—”
+
+“Look, Terry, I’m not going to tell him you’re in town,” she said,
+fighting a nerve-rasping frustration with him. “I’m just going to let it
+go, and I’m telling you right now that if you show up over here it’ll
+hurt him more than he can stand. You broke his heart and that should be
+enough for you. You won’t get any more of him!” She felt fiercely
+protective and loving, now that their life together seemed threatened.
+She would fight Terry every way she knew. And yet she had to admit to
+herself that Terry had more to fight with than she if it ever came to a
+showdown. That was why it was so important to keep him away.
+
+Jack was a very sensual man and he had been deeply in love with Terry.
+He still was, in spite of everything. His love for Laura was different;
+strong, she was sure, but could it stand up to a sudden white-hot blast
+of passion?
+
+“You sound real bitter, Laura,” Terry said reproachfully. “I thought you
+were sort of kidding in your letter.”
+
+“I’ve never been more serious, Terry. Stay away from us!” She hung up
+again. When she took her hand away there was a ring of wet on the black
+handle. She cried all day, feeling angry and helpless.
+
+Jack got home at five, but she told him nothing. She was gentle and
+solicitous with him in a way he had missed for a couple of months. She
+read to him and she chatted with him, and underneath it all was a
+tremulous fear of disaster that made her feel a great tenderness for
+him. He seemed vulnerable to her. If she betrayed him she would embitter
+him more than she was able to imagine. The thought was terrifying.
+
+“Mother, you need a change,” he said when they had finished dinner.
+
+“I do?”
+
+“Leave the dishes and scram.”
+
+She felt a little spark of fear. “Are you kicking me out?” she asked.
+
+“I sure as hell am, you doll,” he said. “Get thee hence.”
+
+“Where?” His laughter relieved her.
+
+“The Village. Where else?” And when she stared at him, wordless, he
+added, “You need it, honey. You’re nervous as a cat. Go on, have a
+ball.”
+
+“You’re kidding!”
+
+“I’ll give you three minutes to get out of here,” he said with a glance
+at his watch.
+
+Laura hesitated for a few seconds until he looked at her over the top of
+the paper again and then she ran, heels ringing staccato on the polished
+wood floor of the hall, and got her coat and purse. On the way out she
+stooped to kiss his cheek.
+
+“Jack, I adore you,” she whispered, to which he only smiled. At the door
+she turned and said, “I’ll be home early.”
+
+“No curfew,” he said solemnly.
+
+Laura went first to the Cellar, a favorite hangout in Greenwich Village.
+The tourists had begun to stop there by this time, but the gay crowd
+outnumbered them still and it wasn’t primarily a trap. The prices were
+reasonable and the decor smoky.
+
+Laura settled at the bar with a sigh of sheer pleasure. All she wanted
+to do was sit there quietly and look at them ... those lovely girls,
+dozens of them, with ripe lips and rounded hips in tight pants or smooth
+skirts. And the big ones, the butches, who acted like men and expected
+to be treated as such. They were the ones who excited Laura the most,
+when it came right down to it. Women, women ... she loved them all,
+especially the big girls with the firm strides and the cigarettes in
+their mouths.... She realized with chagrin that she was thinking of
+Beebo.
+
+_God, what if she’s here?_ she thought with a wonderful scare running up
+her spine. She looked around, but Beebo was nowhere in sight.
+
+_I wonder if she has a job, poor darling. I wonder if Lili’s still
+supporting her. I wonder if she’s still drinking so much ... if she
+thinks of me at all.... Oh, what’s the matter with me? What do I care?
+She nearly drove me crazy!_
+
+She thought of Tris suddenly, of that marvelous fragrant tan skin. In
+fact she indulged in an orgy of suggestive thoughts that would have
+driven her crazy cooped up at home. But here, surrounded with people who
+felt and thought much as she did, it was all right. It was safe somehow.
+She could even spend the evening flirting with somebody, if anybody
+caught her eye, and it would come to no harm. Just a night’s outing.
+Nothing more.
+
+_Tris ... Tris ... she would never show up in a place like this. She’d
+shun it like the plague. All the same it would be nice. So nice._
+
+But the harder Laura concentrated on Tris the more insistently Beebo
+obsessed her. Laura shrugged her off and ordered another drink. She
+laughed a little to herself and said, _But I don’t love her at all any
+more._ And she turned to talk to the girl beside her.
+
+The girl was very charming: small and curly-headed and pretty, and she
+laughed a lot. And soon Laura was laughing with her and learned that
+Inga was her name. But that face, that damned face of Beebo’s, strong
+and handsome and hard with too much living, kept looking at her through
+the haze of Inga’s cigarette.
+
+“Did you ever have somebody plague your thoughts, Inga?” she asked her
+abruptly. “Somebody you’d nearly forgotten and weren’t in love with any
+more, and never really were in love with?”
+
+“What’s her name?” Inga asked sympathetically.
+
+“Oh, nobody you’d know.” She was fairly sure Inga _would_ know, if she
+frequented the Cellar. If she’d hung around the Village long enough
+she’d know most of the characters by sight, if not personally. Beebo was
+one of the characters. And she had been around here for fourteen years.
+“How long have you lived down here?” Laura asked the girl.
+
+“Two years next month.”
+
+_Long enough_, Laura thought.
+
+“I’ll bet I know her. She ever come in here? Come on, tell me,” Inga
+said.
+
+“I can’t.”
+
+“You’re silly, then. I’ll clue you in on something, Laura. If you can’t
+get her off your mind it’s because you can’t get her out of your heart.
+That sounds corny but it’s true. I found out the hard way. Believe me.”
+
+Laura shook her head. “I never loved her,” she said positively.
+
+“You’re fooling yourself, sweetie.”
+
+Laura looked at her, bemused. “I’m in love with somebody else,” she
+said, thinking of Tris.
+
+“Me?” Inga grinned.
+
+“No. No, an Indian girl.”
+
+“Indian? What’s her name?”
+
+“Tris.”
+
+“Tris! Gee, I _do_ know her. She comes in here a lot.”
+
+Laura stared at her, too shocked to answer for a minute. Finally she
+said hoarsely, “Tris would never come in here. She hates gay bars. I
+know that for a fact.”
+
+“Well....” Inga looked as if she knew she had put her foot in her mouth
+and regretted it. “Maybe it’s a different Tris.”
+
+“What’s her last name?”
+
+“Robischon, or something. Something Frenchy. I think she made it up
+myself. But she’s a gorgeous girl. I was really smitten when I saw her.”
+
+Laura blanched a little and ordered another drink and drank it down
+fast, and Inga laid a hand on her arm. “Gee, I’m sorry, Laura,” she
+said. “Me and my big mouth. I should learn to shut up. But I’m in here
+all the time. I come in after work and I see just about everybody—”
+
+“I know, I know. It’s okay, Inga.” She ordered another drink. “I’d
+rather know than not,” she said. “Besides, I haven’t seen the girl for
+eight months. It’d be pretty strange if nobody found out about her in
+eight months. She’s beautiful.”
+
+“That she is. Somebody’s found out, all right. A lot of people, I hear.”
+
+“Does she come in here alone?” The whole thing seemed incredible to
+Laura. Tris! So aloof, so chilly, so much better than the rest of the
+gay crowd. Tris, who wouldn’t go near Fire Island for a summer vacation
+because it was “crawling with queers.” It just couldn’t be. But Inga
+certainly wasn’t describing anybody else.
+
+“She comes with somebody else,” Inga said reluctantly. “Look, sweetie,
+why don’t you come over to my place and have a nightcap. We can’t talk
+in here.”
+
+“I’d like to know, Inga. Tell me. Who does she come in with?” Laura
+turned and looked at her, swiveling slowly on her stool, a little tipsy
+and feeling suddenly as if the situation were something of a joke.
+
+“Oh ... a big gal. Been around the Village for years. You might know
+her. Beebo Brinker’s her name.”
+
+Laura sat there frozen for nearly a minute. It _was_ a joke—colossal,
+cruel, hilarious. She laughed uncertainly and ordered another drink.
+
+“I knew you were going to say that,” she told Inga. “Isn’t that the
+damnedest thing? Isn’t that the goddamnedest thing?” And she began to
+laugh again, repeating, when she could get her breath, “I knew you were
+going to say that.” Inga had to slap her face to stop the shrieking,
+irrepressible giggles that were strangling her. Then Laura’s laughter
+changed, in the space of a breath, to tears.
+
+Inga talked to her quietly with that odd intimacy that springs up
+between homosexuals in trouble, and it helped. After five or six minutes
+Laura wiped her eyes and drank her drink and let Inga help her out of
+the Cellar. A few curious eyes followed them and Laura prayed again that
+nobody she knew had seen her.
+
+The cold air braced her a little, and she stood on the corner weaving
+slightly and trying to get her bearings.
+
+“Come on,” Inga said. “Let’s get some hot coffee into you. I live just a
+couple of blocks from here. Come on.”
+
+Laura let herself be led by the diminutive curly-head, but when she saw
+they were headed for Cordelia Street she began to get scared. “Beebo
+lives near here,” she said, hanging back. “I mean—she used to.”
+
+“She still does,” Inga said. “I see her now and then. I live right over
+there.” She pointed.
+
+Laura brushed the girl’s hand from her sleeve and turned to her.
+“Thanks, Inga,” she said. “Thanks anyway, but I think I’ll....” And her
+eyes wandered back into Cordelia Street.
+
+Inga followed her gaze, catching the idea. “I wouldn’t if I were you,”
+she said. “You’ll be real sorry the minute you get there.” When Laura
+didn’t answer she asked, “Tell me, which one of them is it?”
+
+“Which one?”
+
+“That you just can’t get off your mind?”
+
+Laura looked back up the street where she used to live and said softly,
+“Beebo. It’s crazy, isn’t it? Beebo. And it’s Tris I’m in love with.”
+
+“Yeah,” said Inga with kindly skepticism. “Sure.... Have some coffee
+with me?”
+
+Laura leaned over on a whim and kissed her cheek. “That’s for being a
+woman,” she said. “You don’t know what a help it’s been.”
+
+Inga stood on the corner and watched Laura walk away from her. “Any time
+you want that coffee, Laura,” she called. “I’m in the phone book.”
+
+                   *       *       *       *       *
+
+Laura stood in front of the door into her old apartment building for a
+long while on trembling legs before she turned the knob and walked in.
+
+_What if they’re together?_ she wondered. _They’ll just grab me and
+wring my neck. God, all those questions Tris used to ask me about Beebo.
+And it never entered my love-sick head!_
+
+She crossed the little inner court to the second door, opened it, and
+went to the row of mailboxes to press the buzzer. She found Beebo’s
+name, with her own crossed out beneath it but no other added. And a
+weird, wonderful panic grabbed her throat at the thought of Beebo.
+
+She left the buzzer without pressing it and walked up the flight of
+stairs to stand in front of the door that had once been her own, with
+Beebo still swimming before her eyes.
+
+She could picture her more and more clearly: wearing pants and going
+barefoot, tired at the end of the day and maybe a little high; a
+cigarette in her mouth and a towel tied around her middle while she did
+dishes or cleaned up the apartment; the smooth skin on her face and the
+handsome features that used to fire Laura’s imagination and make her
+tingle; the tired eyes, blue and brilliant and somehow a little sick of
+it all ... except when they focused on Laura.
+
+Laura remembered how it had been and a sudden flash of physical longing
+caught her heart and squeezed until she felt her breath come short. She
+stared at the door, afraid to knock and still hypnotized with curiosity.
+Her hand was raised, quivering, only inches from the green painted wood.
+
+_Tris will open it_, she thought, _and together they’ll strangle me_.
+Oddly, she didn’t care. She was too tight to care. She had a vision of
+herself falling into their arms and succumbing without a struggle. Just
+letting them have her life, her mixed-up, aimless, leftover life.
+
+She knocked—a quick scared rap, sharp and clear. And then stood there on
+one foot and the other, half panicky like a grade-schooler nearly ready
+to wet her pants and flee.
+
+Footsteps. High heels. From the kitchen, Beebo’s voice. “Who the hell
+could that be? After ten, isn’t it?” _Oh, that voice! That husky voice
+that used to whisper such things to me that I can never forget._
+
+The door swung open all at once, ushering a flood of light into the
+hall. Laura looked up slowly ... at Lili! The two of them stared at each
+other in mutual amazement for a moment. And while they stared, mute,
+Beebo called again, “Who is it, Lili?”
+
+Lili, her candy-box pretty face overlaid with too much makeup, as usual,
+broke into a big smile. “It’s Laura!” she exclaimed. “I’ll be goddamned.
+_Laura!_”
+
+For a tense moment Laura could feel Beebo’s shock across the rooms and
+through the walls like a physical touch. Then her courage melted—fizzled
+into nothing like water on a hot skillet, and she turned and ran.
+
+She heard Beebo at the door, before she got out into the court, saying,
+“Let her go, Lili. If she thinks I’m going to chase her twice—” And that
+was all Laura got of it. It shot through her heart like a bullet.
+
+Laura reached the door to the street, tore it open, and rushed out. But
+once there, with the door shut behind her and no sound of pursuing
+footsteps, she collapsed against the wall and wept. Between sobs, when
+she could get her breath, she listened ... listened ... for the running
+feet that would mean Beebo had changed her mind. Laura had to believe,
+at least for a minute, that Beebo would come after her. Because it was
+all tied up in her mind with Beebo loving her. If Beebo loved her she’d
+chase her. It was that simple. And it didn’t matter a damn what Laura
+might have done to Beebo in the past, or how she might have hurt her.
+
+_Tris!_ she thought. _I’ve got to see her!_ She said this to herself
+very urgently, but curiously, at the same time, she felt no desire to go
+and find the lovely tormented dancer. She told herself it would be all
+fight and misery. But in her heart of hearts she knew that real love
+would brave that misery now, being so close and so starved for passion.
+
+She stood there for fully fifteen minutes before she was able to pull
+herself together and walk to Seventh Avenue. She went straight home in a
+cab.
+
+Laura walked slowly up the stairs to her apartment. It was after eleven
+now, and Jack would be in bed. She had had too much to drink, but she
+was sober, a tired, bewildered sort of sobriety that made her want to
+lie down and weep and rest.
+
+In the morning she would tell it all to Jack. Wonderful Jack. He would
+coax her back to living, coax her with his wit and his compassion and
+his incredible patience with her. And she would lie in a welter of
+dejection and let him work on her until she felt like lifting her head
+from the pillow and raising the shade from the window and going on with
+life. It was one of the things she loved him for and needed him for the
+most—this ability to revive her when she was so low that only death was
+lower.
+
+Tonight was perhaps not quite that bad. But it was bad enough to have
+exhausted her. And Tris and Beebo! That had been the cruelest blow; the
+one she should have foreseen clear as a beacon in a black sea. She
+shoved a trembling key into the lock and walked into the apartment.
+
+It was warm and well-lighted. It was pretty and it was comfortable. It
+was home. And Laura felt a sort of gratitude to Jack that needed words.
+She went to find him. But he wasn’t in the living room, nor in the
+bedroom.
+
+She stood on the threshold of the bedroom and said, “Jack? Hey, Jack!
+Where are you?”
+
+“Here,” he said from the kitchen.
+
+“Oh. It’s me. I thought you’d be in bed.” She slipped her coat off while
+she walked through the living room to find him. “Hi,” she said. He was
+sitting on a kitchen chair and he answered, “Hi.”
+
+Laura stood in the doorway and looked at him. And he stared back at her,
+and she knew something was wrong but she didn’t know what. Her long fine
+hair had come loose when she ran from Beebo and she reached up and
+pulled it down in a shimmering cascade, watching Jack all the while
+through narrowed eyes.
+
+“Have fun?” he asked.
+
+“Beebo and Tris ... are ... shacking up.” She threw it at him
+point-blank. She wanted his sympathy.
+
+Jack put his head back and laughed, that awful bitter laugh she hadn’t
+heard for months, and she knew with a sudden start of fear and pity that
+he was drunk. “That makes everything perfect,” he said, still laughing,
+his eyes wicked and sharp behind the horn rims.
+
+“Jack ...,” she said shakily, coming in to sit beside him and seeing now
+the whiskey bottle on the table in front of him, two-thirds empty.
+“Jack, darling.” She took his hands and her eyes were big with alarm.
+
+Jack took his hands back. Not roughly, but as if he simply didn’t want
+to be touched. Not by Laura, anyway.
+
+“Mother, you are a living doll. If I had known you could keep secrets so
+well I’d have told you a few,” he said. He spoke, as always when he was
+drunk, with a slow precision, as if each word were a stepping stone.
+
+“Secrets?” Laura said.
+
+“You are the living picture of guilt, my dear,” he said. “It is written
+all over your beautiful face.”
+
+Laura put her hands over that face suddenly with a gasp. “Terry!” she
+sobbed through clenched teeth. “_Terry!_ If I hadn’t gone out he
+wouldn’t have come.”
+
+“He comes when the mood hits him,” Jack said. “Which is most of the
+time, most anywhere. It had nothing to do with you going out, my little
+wifey.”
+
+Laura looked up, her delicate face mottled pink and white and wet from
+the eyes down. “He wrote—”
+
+“Indeed he did. He told me the whole romantic story.”
+
+“Jack, darling, I only kept it secret because I was afraid you’d—you’d
+start drinking, or something—I—”
+
+“You hit the nail on the head. I’m indebted to you. Your solicitude is
+exemplary.” He waved the fast-emptying bottle at her.
+
+“Oh, shut up! Shut up! I _love_ you. I did it because I love you.”
+
+“You opened my mail because you love me?” He continued to drink while he
+talked ... slowly, but steadily.
+
+“I knew it was from him, Jack. I just had a feeling. The handwriting and
+everything.”
+
+He laughed ruefully. “Just think what you’ve spared me!” he said. “I can
+drink in peace now. My wife loves me. Thanks, wife.” He saluted her.
+
+Laura slid off her chair to her knees and put her arms around him, still
+crying. “Jack, Jack, please forgive me. I’ll do anything, I couldn’t
+bear to hurt you, I’d die first. Oh, please—”
+
+“You’re forgiven,” he interrupted her. “Why not?” And he kept on
+laughing. But his pardon was so light, so biting, that she cringed from
+it. She lifted her face to him, streaming with tears, and he said,
+smiling at her, “You make a lovely picture, Mother. Sort of
+Madonna-like. If I could paint you, I’d paint you. Black, I think. From
+head to toe.”
+
+She put her head down on his knees and said softly, “You’ll never
+forgive me, will you?”
+
+“I already have.”
+
+“Never,” she whispered, stricken.
+
+“Oh, let’s not get maudlin,” he said. “I admit I would have been
+grateful for a little forewarning. But after all, it’s a simple question
+of sex. Maybe I should get rid of mine. That would solve everything.”
+And his soft, insane chuckling underlined everything he said.
+
+Laura felt terror then. It rose and fell inside her like nausea.
+Whenever she looked at Jack it surged in her throat. It wasn’t the sweet
+guilty thrill of coming near Beebo that had cost her such sensual pain
+earlier in the evening.
+
+“Jack, darling,” she said.
+
+“Yes, Laura darling.” And the sarcasm burned her. But she went on,
+determined, raising herself back into her chair again with effort.
+
+“Tell me what happened. Tell me everything.”
+
+“Oh, it was dandy,” he said. “You should have been here. Incidentally,
+he asked about your health.” Laura couldn’t watch him while he talked.
+She looked at her hands. And all the while he told her about it she kept
+thinking, _If only I hadn’t gone out tonight. Every time I do something
+completely selfish I suffer for it. And so does he. Damn Terry! Damn him
+to hell! He won’t ruin Jack, I won’t let him. This is once he won’t have
+his way._
+
+                   *       *       *       *       *
+
+It had been so completely unexpected, so startling, that Jack would
+never forget it or recover from it. Terry was as far removed from his
+life as if he were dead. And his life, Jack felt, had become a good
+thing at last. He had Laura to live for, not a wild, irresistible,
+good-for-nothing boy who wore him out and broke his heart and his
+bankroll. He had a new stature in the world as a married man, a new
+security. And the sweet hope of a child someday....
+
+When he heard the bell ring, almost an hour after Laura had gone out, he
+took it for a neighbor and stood with the front door open while the
+elevator ascended. But when Terry stepped out, Jack was speechless. He
+couldn’t believe it, and he would have slammed the door and passed it
+off as a nightmare if he could have moved a little faster.
+
+But Terry caught him and from then on it was as degrading and
+overwhelming as it had ever been. Jack put up the best fight he could,
+but it was little more than a gesture of protest. He was helplessly
+angry, helplessly infatuated. And all the while Terry prated to him of
+San Francisco and the Beats and the fog and the styles in clothes and
+the styles in love-making, Jack kept wondering, _How did he find me?_
+And the answer was, had to be, _Laura_. Laura had failed him. Betrayed
+him. It almost tore him apart.
+
+Terry didn’t leave until nearly eleven, and Jack saw him out, still with
+the feeling that it hadn’t happened, that it was all an incredible
+dream. It wasn’t until he got the bottle and began to drink that he
+believed in it at all. By the time Laura got home he wished the whole
+damned world to hell, with himself first in line.
+
+                   *       *       *       *       *
+
+“And that’s all,” Jack said. “Naturally, the only thing to do after he
+left was get drunk.” He had nearly finished the bottle and it was all he
+could do to get the words out. They left his mouth slowly, discreetly,
+each one a pearl of over-articulation.
+
+Laura took away what was left—a shot or two at the most—and he didn’t
+even try to protest. She helped him up and half dragged, half carried
+him to the bedroom, where she dumped him on his bed. He was unconscious
+the minute she pushed his head down on the pillow. Laura undressed him,
+tears running down her face.
+
+“Sleep,” she said. “Sleep and forget it for a while. I’ll make it up to
+you, darling. All I wanted tonight was to cry on your shoulder. And you
+can’t even hold yourself up.”
+
+She dragged and shoved and pulled until she got him under the covers.
+“He won’t get you, Jack,” she whispered. “You’d fight for me if I were
+in trouble. And I’ll fight for you.”
+
+                   *       *       *       *       *
+
+In the morning, Laura got up, moving softly as a bird on the sand, and
+left him to himself in the bedroom, still noisily and miserably asleep
+with a full-blown, brutal hangover brewing under his closed eyes.
+
+She had to make it up to him, redeem herself. And she could only think
+of one thing. So before noon she called Terry and asked him to dinner.
+
+“Sounds great,” he said in innocent surprise and pleasure. “I was
+counting on mooching from you,” he admitted, laughing.
+
+When Jack woke up she told him what she had done. She waited until he
+had had four cups of coffee and eight aspirins and some forced warm milk
+and raw egg. He said nothing but “No. No! _No!_” to whatever she was
+trying to get into him. He sat in the kitchen with his head in his
+hands, and Laura began to fear he was still a little drunk. She had
+thrown out the rest of the whiskey.
+
+“Where’s the bottle?” he asked her finally, around the middle of the
+afternoon.
+
+“Gone. I tossed it.”
+
+He nodded painfully, resigned.
+
+“Jack,” she said softly. “Terry’s coming to dinner.”
+
+He lifted his throbbing head to gape at her. “Are you trying to kill me,
+Mother? Or just drive me nuts?” he said.
+
+“I’m going to save you. Save _us_,” she said passionately. “We’re at the
+crossroads, Jack. This is the first real crisis we’ve had. We can’t just
+fall apart. We have too much to save, too much worth saving. We have
+love, too, and I’m not going to let him hurt you any more.” Somehow in
+the strength she found to fight Jack’s battle was the strength to fight
+her own. The downright shock and humiliation of finding that her two
+ex-lovers were romancing might have thrown her into a full-blown
+depression. But now she hadn’t time. It was Jack’s turn. She loved him,
+she was absolutely sure of that. She was not absolutely sure she loved
+Tris any more. Nor was she sure now that she _didn’t_ love Beebo. Jack
+was her security, her chosen life; he deserved her loyalty.
+
+But to her chagrin, her noble speech had very little effect on him. He
+got out of his chair with much agonized effort, making a face, and
+headed for the coat closet.
+
+“Where are you going?” she asked anxiously, running after him.
+
+“For a bottle.”
+
+“Oh, Jack, no!”
+
+He turned to face her, sliding awkwardly into his coat sleeves. “Do you
+want me to go through this sober?”
+
+“Darling, you don’t even have to _look_ at him! You can lock yourself in
+the john and sing hymns if you want to. I just want to talk to him.”
+
+“About the weather?”
+
+“I’ll get him out of here, I swear I will!”
+
+“How? With a can opener? TNT?” He was moving toward the door as he spoke
+with Laura clinging to his arm and trying to hold him back.
+
+“Darling, trust me!” she begged. She was not at all sure that she could
+get Terry out again, once he got in, but she had to make Jack calm down.
+She was frantic to stop him.
+
+“Trust you?” He turned and looked at her uncertainly, his hand on the
+front door knob, and gave a little snort. “That doesn’t work. I tried
+it.”
+
+“Oh, you damn, fatuous idiot!” she cried in exasperation, dropping his
+arm to stamp to the middle of the room and face him from there as if
+from a podium. “I open _one_ goddam letter—out of love and anxiety—to
+spare you pain. And the thing backfires. Do you have to crucify
+yourself? I said I was sorry and I am. I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I’m sorry,
+I’m sorry!” she yelled.
+
+“Were you born that way?” he snapped.
+
+“Shut up and listen!” she cried. “Jack, let me make it up to you, let me
+_try_. You have no right to call yourself my husband if you won’t give
+me a chance, and I’m telling you right now, Jack Mann, if you won’t I’ll
+walk out of this house and your life forever.” She paused, flushed and
+trembling, for breath, while Jack stared at her, surprised,
+half-convinced, and himself trembling slightly from the hangover.
+
+Finally he went to the arm of the nearest chair and sat down and said,
+“All right, Wife. Read him the riot act while I sing hymns in the
+bathroom, if you think it’ll do any good.”
+
+“Oh, Jack.” She ran to him, all pity and tenderness, and kissed his
+frowning face. He put his head back and ignored her.
+
+Terry arrived at seven, half an hour late, with a huge bouquet of roses
+for Laura. “For Mrs. Mann,” he said, bowing, and then gave her a quick
+embrace. “You look great, honey.”
+
+“Thanks,” she said with reserve. “I’ll put them in water.”
+
+“Where’s Jack? Oh, there you are.” Terry made a running jump to the
+couch where Jack was lying in state, wearing his hangover like a royal
+robe.
+
+Jack let out all his breath in a wail of anguish when Terry hit him.
+
+“Where did you get the flowers?” Laura asked, coming back in with them
+arranged in a tall vase.
+
+“Nick’s. On the corner. I had to charge ’em to you, Laur. I hope you
+don’t mind.” He smiled charmingly. “Your credit’s much better than mine
+around here.”
+
+Jack laughed softly. “You haven’t changed a bit, have you?” he said to
+Terry.
+
+Laura sat down and looked at Terry’s bright young face, smiling happily
+around a mouthful of salted pecans, and wondered if her little trick
+would work. It had to. But it might not. She felt a little sick, seeing
+Jack so miserable.
+
+“No drinks?” Terry said, suddenly conscious of the lack of alcohol.
+
+“Milk,” Laura offered.
+
+“Milk punch?” he asked.
+
+“Just bare milk,” Jack drawled.
+
+“What’s the matter with you?” Terry said and laughed at him. “Have a
+nut.” And he popped one in Jack’s half open mouth. “You aren’t on the
+wagon, are you?”
+
+“I was,” Jack said. “Till last night.”
+
+“No kidding. God. Amazing. Since when?”
+
+“Since we got married last August. A little before.”
+
+“Laura, how’d you do it?” He grinned at her.
+
+“I didn’t have to,” she said. “The day you walked out of his life all
+the good things walked in.”
+
+“Including you?” Terry asked.
+
+“Including me,” she shot back.
+
+“Oh.” He smiled ruefully. “I wasn’t _that_ bad, was I?” he asked Jack.
+He seemed to think it was comfortably funny, like everything else
+connected with Jack. “Did I drive you to drink, honey?” he said.
+
+“Only on the bad days,” Jack said. “Unfortunately, there weren’t any
+good days.”
+
+Terry laughed and stuck another nut in Jack’s mouth.
+
+“That’s all,” Jack told him, wincing. “The damn pecans sound like depth
+charges when I chew.” He stroked his head carefully.
+
+There was a silence while Terry ate, Laura stared at him nervously, and
+Jack concentrated on his pains. Laura wanted to make Terry
+uncomfortable, self-conscious. But it was nearly a lost cause.
+
+“What’s for dinner?” he asked suddenly, unaware that he was supposed to
+notice the silence.
+
+She told him.
+
+“Great,” he said. More silence. Laura was determined to embarrass him,
+and Jack was too ill to care about conversation. Slowly, Terry began to
+realize something was amiss. Rather than take the hint he tried to
+lighten the atmosphere with chatter.
+
+“How do you like the married life, old man?” he asked.
+
+“He liked it fine the day before yesterday,” Laura said crisply. Jack
+groaned. Terry understood.
+
+He sat up and leaned toward his hostess. “Laura, honey, I don’t want to
+mess things up for you,” he said. “I just love Jack, too, that’s all.
+You know that. You always knew it, even before you got married.”
+
+“I know you nearly killed him,” she said quietly.
+
+“No fair exaggerating.”
+
+“No fair, hell. It’s true!” she exclaimed.
+
+“It’s not either!” he said with good-humored indignation, as if they
+were playing parlor games. “Is it, Jack?”
+
+But Jack, his eyes on Laura now, kept silent.
+
+“Well,” Terry admitted, “I was pretty bitchy sometimes. But so was he.
+And no matter what, we loved each other. Even at the end, when he kicked
+me out.”
+
+“If he hadn’t kicked you out that night he might have killed himself
+with liquor.”
+
+“I don’t believe it.”
+
+Laura threw her hands up, exasperated. “What more do you _want_ from
+Jack, Terry?” she said. “What do you want from _me_?”
+
+Terry grinned. “Equal time,” he said, nodding at the bedroom.
+
+Jack laughed weakly and Laura got up and stamped her foot. “Terry, Jack
+loves you. I know that and I’ll have to live with it. But that love is
+destructive, and I’m asking you now to get out of our lives forever and
+never come back to hurt us again.” She said it with quiet intensity.
+
+“Before dinner?” he asked.
+
+“Oh, God!” Laura spluttered at the ceiling.
+
+Terry lighted a cigarette for Jack, who had fumbled one from the box on
+the cocktail table, and told Laura, “I can’t go away forever. Any more
+than you could desert Beebo forever. I love him. I’m stuck with him.”
+
+“I’ve _left_ Beebo,” she said.
+
+“You’ll go back,” he told her serenely. “It was that kind of affair.”
+
+Laura held on to her self control as her last and dearest possession.
+She didn’t dare to lose it. “Take me seriously, Terry,” she begged,
+almost in a whisper. “Please let us live together in peace.”
+
+Terry shrugged. He didn’t like to get serious. “What are you going to do
+the rest of your lives?” he asked them. “Live like a couple of old maids
+in your fancy little apartment? Pretend you’re both straight? What a
+kick!” He said it sarcastically but without malice. “A kick like that
+won’t last long, you know.”
+
+“It’s not a kick. It’s something we both need and want,” Laura said
+earnestly.
+
+“Nuts,” Terry said amiably. “What you both need and want is a few
+parties. Get out and camp. Do you good.”
+
+“Sure,” Laura said sharply. “So you make love to Jack and he goes out
+and drinks a fifth of whiskey, after _eight months_ on the wagon. Was
+that what you had in mind?”
+
+Terry made a little grimace of perplexity. “That was pretty silly,” he
+told Jack. “Now she won’t let me see you at all.”
+
+“He needs me more than he needs you, Terry,” Laura said.
+
+“Yeah? But he _wants_ me more.” He grinned at her. “You’ve got to admit
+that counts for something,” he told her. “I can give him something you
+can’t give him.” He looked so smug, so sure of himself, that Laura, with
+her heart in her throat, decided to pull her rabbit out of the hat. If
+it didn’t work, she would have to give up.
+
+“And I can give him something _you_ can’t give him,” she said, her voice
+low and tense. “A child.”
+
+There was a long stunned silence. Jack and Terry both stared at her—Jack
+with a slight smile of amazement and Terry with open-mouthed dismay.
+
+“A child!” Terry blurted finally. “Don’t tell _me_! I wasn’t born
+yesterday.”
+
+“It’s true,” Laura spat at him. “And I’m not going to have any
+empty-headed, pretty-faced queers hanging around my baby! Not even
+_you_, Terry Fleming.”
+
+Terry turned to gape at Jack, his mouth still ajar. “She’s kidding!” he
+exclaimed. “Isn’t she?”
+
+Jack paused slightly and then shook his head, and the strange little
+smile on his face widened. It was brilliant, he thought. Cruel, to
+himself even more than to Terry, because it wasn’t true. But clever.
+
+Terry stood up, bewildered, and walked around the living room. Laura
+watched him, her face flushed, sweating with expectation. Finally Terry
+turned to look at them. Jack, raising himself on one elbow, watched him.
+
+“Do you still want me to have dinner with you?” he asked wryly, and
+Laura saw hesitation in his look and felt a first small hope.
+
+She didn’t know what to say. But she was thinking, _I’ve made Jack a man
+in his eyes now. He’s thinking, Jack can do what he could never do
+himself. He’s thinking, at least if I was wrong about him ruining Jack’s
+life, I’m right about ruining a baby’s. He knows damn well he could do
+that. Or does he?_
+
+But at least he _was_ thinking. His lovely young face was screwed up
+with the effort.
+
+Suddenly he said to Laura, as if expecting to trip her up, “When’s it
+due? The kid?”
+
+“November,” she said. She had anticipated him.
+
+“Well!” His face brightened. “If it isn’t due till November, we’ve got a
+long time to play around.” And it was Jack he looked at now.
+
+But Laura jumped at him, bristling. “I don’t want an alcoholic for a
+husband!” she said. “I don’t want my baby to have an alcoholic for a
+father. A drunken, miserable, tormented man who doesn’t know which sex
+he is, who has to chase around after a thoughtless character like you
+all night. I don’t want to lose my husband, Terry. Not to you or any
+other gay boy in the world. You’d ruin his health and make him wild
+inside of a month.”
+
+She was crying, though she didn’t realize it, and her cheeks were
+flaming. Terry stared at her for some moments in surprised silence. And
+then he looked at Jack, who was still propped on one arm, taking it all
+in with an inscrutable smile.
+
+“Well ...,” Terry said again, almost diffidently. Apparently he believed
+they were having a child. He looked to Jack for moral support. “Is that
+the way you feel too, honey?” he asked.
+
+“Why certainly,” Jack said cheerfully, incongruously. “Can’t you tell?
+Whatever she says, goes.” A soft note of hysteria sounded in his voice.
+
+“I guess you don’t want me to stay for dinner now,” Terry said, glancing
+at Laura. For answer she only turned away and began to cry. Terry walked
+over to Jack and knelt before him on the floor, putting his hands on
+Jack’s shoulders. “I do love you, Jack. I never lied about that. I
+didn’t know it was so bad. For you, I mean. I still don’t see how it
+could have been. But I don’t want to mess things up for the kid. Shall I
+go? _You_ tell me.” He waited, watching Jack’s face.
+
+“I told you to leave me once, Terry. I haven’t the strength to say it
+again. It’s up to you.”
+
+Terry leaned forward and kissed him on the lips. “If you haven’t the
+strength to say it, I haven’t the strength to do it. No matter what she
+says,” he said.
+
+Laura came at him suddenly from across the room. “Go!” she flashed. “Go,
+damn you, and never come back!”
+
+Terry looked uncertainly from Laura to Jack, and Jack covered his face
+abruptly with a noise rather like a sob.
+
+Terry stood up. “All right,” he said in a husky voice. “I’ll go. I’ll go
+for the baby’s sake. But not forever, Laura. Not forever.”
+
+At the front door he turned to her. “You say you love him,” he said.
+“Then you must understand why I _can’t_ leave him forever. I love him
+too.” He said it sadly but matter-of-factly. And Laura, staring at him
+through tear-blurred eyes, realized that he never would understand what
+he had done to Jack or how. He thought it was a simple matter of giving
+a kid a break. And because he loved Jack enough he was able to do it.
+
+“Enjoy your flowers,” he said with a rueful grin, and then Terry went
+out the front door and shut it carefully behind him. Neither Jack nor
+Laura stirred nor made a sound until they heard the elevator arrive, the
+doors open, shut again, and the elevator leave.
+
+“He’s gone,” she whispered. “Dear God, don’t let him ever come back.”
+
+Jack rolled over, his back to her, and wept briefly and painfully with
+desperate longing. There was a moment of silence while she watched him
+fearfully. And then he stood up and headed for the door. Laura threw
+herself against it.
+
+“No! Don’t follow him, Jack!” she implored, her voice rising.
+
+“I won’t,” he said, trying to reach past her to open the door, but she
+threw her arms around him and begged him to stay with her.
+
+“I got him to leave, Jack. He won’t dare come back for a long time.
+Maybe he’ll find somebody new. Maybe we’ll be lucky and he’ll never come
+back.”
+
+“I should be so lucky,” he said acidly.
+
+She looked at him, dismayed. “Isn’t that what you wanted?” she asked.
+
+He stopped trying to grab the doorknob for a minute to look at her.
+“Yes,” he said, with effort. And after a pause, “You were masterful,
+Mother. You really played your scene.”
+
+She looked at the floor confusedly, hearing all the sarcasm and the hurt
+and the grudging admiration in his voice. “Do you hate me for it?” she
+asked.
+
+“No. I’m grateful.”
+
+“Do you still love me?” she whispered.
+
+“Yes. But don’t ask me to prove it now.” He got the door open in a
+sudden deft gesture, but Laura was still clutching him.
+
+“Where are you going?” she asked fearfully.
+
+“For a bottle.”
+
+“Oh, God!” she gasped. “Then it’s all been for nothing,” she said
+despairingly.
+
+“No,” he said. “I’m not drinking this for Terry. I’m drinking it for the
+baby.”
+
+“The baby?” she said tremulously.
+
+“The little kid who wasn’t there.”
+
+He turned to go and she followed him into the hall.
+
+“But Jack—” she protested as he rang for the elevator. “Jack, I—I—” She
+looked up and saw the long bronze needle moving swiftly toward “three”
+as the elevator ascended, having barely emptied Terry into the first
+floor. It seemed to be measuring off the last seconds of their marriage.
+She had to do something. Trembling and scared, she caught his lapels and
+said, with great difficulty, “I meant it, Jack.”
+
+“Meant what?”
+
+“About the baby.”
+
+He stared at her, one hand holding back the door of the just-arrived
+elevator.
+
+“I’ll have a baby,” she said. “If you still want one.”
+
+For a while they stood in the dim little hall and gazed at each other.
+And then Jack let his hand slip from the elevator door and, circling her
+waist with his arm, led her back into the apartment.
+
+“He’ll be back, you know,” he said, stopping to look at her.
+
+“I know. But by that time he’ll know we aren’t kidding,” she said,
+looking dubiously at her tight, flat stomach. “By that time you’ll be
+strong again. And ready for him. You’ll know he’s coming and you’ll be
+able to take it. It won’t be like now.”
+
+He kissed her. “Goddam it,” he whispered, grateful and amazed. “I _do_
+love you.”
+
+
+
+
+                                   9
+
+
+The doctor’s waiting room was crowded, heavy with the eager boredom of
+people waiting to talk about themselves. It was the fourth doctor they
+had been to see within a week. Jack, as Laura might have expected, was
+in a hurry. But he had to find the right man, too—a man he genuinely
+liked. Not just any bone-picker was going to perform the wizardry to
+bring _his_ child into being.
+
+Laura had simply sat in red-faced silence through Jack’s expositions of
+their supposed marital troubles, both unwilling and unable to contribute
+a word. And the whole thing had been lengthy and bewildering and not a
+little tiring.
+
+But when they finally got into Dr. Belden’s plush, paneled office, it
+went well. And she knew, suddenly paying attention to the words of the
+men, that it was going to be settled. And it was.
+
+She answered the standard questions, her voice low with embarrassment.
+They always bothered her excessively, like so many spiders crawling over
+her tender shame. Other girls might not mind, or even liked to yammer to
+doctors about their intimate selves, but not Laura.
+
+Jack bolstered her up as they were leaving. “You were heroic, Mother,”
+he assured her. “I know you hate it—yes you do, don’t lie,” he added
+impatiently when she tried to protest. “It’s all right, honey, it’s all
+in a good cause.”
+
+“Don’t call me honey.”
+
+“Why?”
+
+“Terry calls everybody honey.” She was in a grumpy mood; he saw it and
+let her be for a while. “When do I have to go back?” she asked as they
+rode home in a taxi.
+
+“A week from Thursday.” He looked at her somewhat anxiously as if
+wishing that Thursday had already come. “You won’t change your mind, of
+course,” he said to comfort himself. His voice was calm but his eyes
+were worried.
+
+“No,” she sighed. She looked at her gloved hands until his anxious gaze
+moved her to give him one and make him smile.
+
+He looked strangely different, almost young. Jack had the kind of a face
+that must have made him look forty when he was twenty. In a sense it was
+an ageless face because it had hardly changed at all. Laura supposed
+that when he was sixty, he would still look forty. But for the few weeks
+after Terry disappeared it looked young. And Laura thought with an ache
+of how much of that was due to her. How much she had forced him to
+depend on her. She was deeply committed now. There was no retreating.
+
+                   *       *       *       *       *
+
+Laura saw Doctor Belden three days in a row, and it was unspeakably
+humiliating for her. But she endured it. By the time her appointment
+came due, she was too afraid for Jack not to go. But she prayed when she
+was alone, with big wild angry sobs, that the artificial insemination
+wouldn’t work; that she was barren or Jack was sterile or the timing was
+off; anything. And she felt a huge, breathtaking need for a woman that
+absolutely tortured her at night.
+
+After her first examination with Belden she went out of the office to
+meet Jack and told him she was going to the Village.
+
+“I don’t know why I need to. I just do,” she said.
+
+“Sure, sweetheart,” he said at last, standing facing her on the pavement
+outside the doctor’s office. “Go. Only, come back.”
+
+“I will,” she said, near tears, and turned and almost ran from him. She
+couldn’t bear to touch him, and it was painful even to look at him.
+
+It was mid-day in the Village and mothers walked their babies in the
+park. Laura hurried past them. Old ladies strolled about in the
+unusually warm weather, dogs barked, and a few hardy would-be artists
+had set up shop in the empty pool at the center of Washington Square. A
+small crowd of students had gathered to offer encouragement and argue.
+
+Laura walked quickly through the park to Fourth Street, and then she
+turned and walked west, not sure why. On the other side of Sixth Avenue
+she stopped and found a drugstore and went in for coffee.
+
+_I can’t see Tris_, she told herself, playing nervously with her hands.
+_I won’t see Beebo. Or rather, Beebo won’t see me. That’s for sure._ She
+tried to think of anything but what she had just been through, but it
+didn’t work. It never does.
+
+_Just so it’s normal_, she thought angrily. _I won’t hate it but I
+couldn’t stand an abnormal child. God, I’ve got to talk to somebody,
+somebody who doesn’t know, who’ll put it out of my mind._ She thought of
+Inga then, but she couldn’t remember her last name and she wasn’t too
+sure where the girl lived. She had been too drunk that night.
+
+And then, for no apparent reason, she thought of Lili. Beautiful, brazen
+Lili. At least Lili would talk. Laura wouldn’t have to open her mouth.
+Maybe it would be better that way. She wouldn’t betray any secrets to
+Beebo’s old lover about her marriage. But Lili would be only too happy
+to tell Laura what had gone on between Beebo and Tris if only to see her
+squirm, and Laura was burning to know.
+
+She went to the phone booth at the back of the store and looked up Lili.
+She was still listed, still in the same apartment on Greenwich Avenue.
+It was late afternoon by the time Laura got there. Lili would just be
+getting out of bed, if she followed the same habits she used to have.
+
+Laura felt very tired and reluctant when she finally found the right
+building and the right button to press; afraid and a little ashamed. But
+she rang anyway, as if she had no will to stop herself. And when the
+answering ring came she went inside and walked up the stairs.
+
+Lili, hanging over the bannister to see who was waking her up so early,
+saw her coming. Laura stopped on the first landing at her amazed,
+“Laura! Again! Are you a ghost?”
+
+Laura gazed up, her long pale hair hanging defiantly free and her eyes
+blue-shadowed the way they were when she was tired or scared. Now she
+was a little of both.
+
+“No, no ghost,” she said.
+
+“I don’t believe you. But come in anyway. I have the most divine friend
+who’s a Medium. Where the hell have you been? I thought sure you’d come
+back, after you saw Beebo a couple of weeks ago.” She watched Laura
+mount the stairs as she spoke and took her by the arm when Laura reached
+her. “You look worn out, poor lamb,” she said. “I’ll give you a drink.
+What do you want?”
+
+“Nothing.”
+
+“Nothing!” It was an explosion, not a question. “God. Next you’ll be
+telling me you’ve gone straight.”
+
+“I came to ask about Beebo,” Laura said.
+
+“Oh,” said Lili knowledgeably. “I thought so.” She went about fixing
+Laura and herself a drink in spite of Laura’s objections. “Well, lamb,
+what about her?”
+
+“Are she and Tris living together?”
+
+“Mercy, who told you _that_?” Lili turned to stare at her.
+
+“A friend of mine.”
+
+“Your friend lies. They aren’t living together and they never did. Oh,
+Tris spent the night with her a few times. You know how it is.” She
+laughed sociably, coming toward Laura with two filled glasses. “Here,
+lamb, I insist. It’ll revive you. My doctor says—”
+
+“Tell me about Tris and Beebo.”
+
+“Well,” Lili said, confidentially. “It was just an affair.”
+
+“What does that mean?” she said.
+
+“It means when you can’t get what you want you take what you can get,”
+Lili said archly.
+
+“They saw each other all the time. Beebo even had Tris going into the
+gay bars. I know this, Lili, don’t hide it,” Laura said.
+
+“All right, all right,” Lili said soothingly. “Tris had to go to the gay
+bars to find Beebo, that’s all. Beebo’s never home. You know how she is.
+And she didn’t chase Tris so Tris had to chase her.”
+
+Laura felt an ineffable lightening of the heart. Somehow, if it had to
+happen, that was the best way.
+
+“Tris was nuts about her,” Lili said juicily. “She came over when she
+got back from Long Island last summer ... without _you_, if you recall.”
+
+“I recall.”
+
+“Yes. Well! Beebo was pretty low. You may remember that, too.” She
+looked at Laura sharply, and Laura looked at the floor and refused to
+answer. “Anyway, Tris fell into her arms and Beebo just caught her. I
+wish I could say that Beebo fell for her. I think it would have spared
+her some of the agony you inflicted on her.” So now it was out in the
+open. Lili spoke dramatically, but it wasn’t all play-acting. She had
+loved Beebo once, and she didn’t like to see her hurt as Laura had hurt
+her.
+
+The two females eyed each other, wary but curious, each eager to know
+what the other could tell her. Lili was ready to hurt Laura to find out.
+She had seen what happened to Beebo when Laura left her, and it was
+shocking. Laura didn’t know about it, and to Lili it seemed as if she
+was nothing but a spoiled, headstrong little bitch who didn’t care whom
+she hurt ... a little like Lili herself ten years before, and that made
+Lili even more critical.
+
+If Laura were told how hard Beebo had taken it—how intensely she had
+suffered and torched for her—maybe it would touch her and make her
+sorry. Lili enjoyed the idea of Laura on her knees to Beebo, and Beebo
+kicking her out. For she knew what Laura did not—that Beebo was a
+different girl now. And to Lili’s way of thinking it meant that Beebo
+would never take Laura back.
+
+So they were agreed, without having said a word about it, that Lili
+would talk and Laura would listen to her; Lili because she had to hurt
+and Laura because she had to know.
+
+Lili lighted a cigarette and stuck it carefully into an ebony holder
+with a water filter, a rather bulky conversation piece. Everything she
+did was staged.
+
+“I’m going to talk turkey to you, lamb,” she informed her guest. “Now
+that I have you in my clutches.” She smiled slightly, a warning smile.
+
+“Talk,” Laura said. “But I’d appreciate it if you’d spare me the
+sermon.”
+
+“I’m sure you would.” Lili gazed at her. “But, unfortunately, you _need_
+a sermon. Oh, just a little one, of course. I won’t be crude about it.”
+
+Laura ignored her, picking up the drink she didn’t think she wanted and
+sipping at it.
+
+“Well,” Lili began. “You almost killed her. I suppose you could have
+guessed that.”
+
+“I knew it would be hard for her,” Laura said, “but not that bad.” Her
+voice said she thought Lili was exaggerating, but in her heart she was
+afraid ... afraid it was true.
+
+“It was bad enough to send her to the hospital with a stomachful of
+sleeping pills. I know. I took her over.” She said this with her green
+eyes flaring and her voice low enough to make Laura strain a little to
+hear her.
+
+“Oh, damn it, Lili, don’t make up a melodrama for me!” Laura cried.
+
+“I thought I was stating it rather plainly. But I’ll try again.”
+
+“Beebo wouldn’t take sleeping pills!” Laura said contemptuously, and
+this she really believed. “It’s not like her. It’s too—I don’t
+know—phony. It’s more like something _you’d_ do than Beebo.”
+
+“Luckily I’m not in love with you, pet,” Lili countered. They glared at
+each other. “You don’t know her at all, do you?” Lili went on. “You
+lived with her for more than two years, and you just don’t know her at
+all.”
+
+“I know her better than anybody! What do you mean?”
+
+“All right, lamb, we won’t argue the point. Anyway, when she got back
+from the hospital she was terribly despondent. I kept telling her you’d
+come back. Everybody did. I didn’t believe it, of course, but I was
+afraid if I told her you were gone for good she’d try something worse
+than sleeping pills.”
+
+“Did she drink awfully hard?”
+
+“Are you kidding? She drank like a fish, naturally,” Lili said. “As if
+you had to ask. Then she got a job. But I’m getting ahead of myself. You
+wanted to hear about Tris.”
+
+Again she smiled, and Laura hated her smile. “Just tell me, Lili,” she
+said. “Without the dramatics.”
+
+“Certainly, darling.... Well, Tris came back and the first thing she did
+was come looking for you to tell you she was sorry. I don’t know for
+what. But I was there when she arrived. I couldn’t leave Beebo alone for
+five minutes, it was that bad. So anyway, we were having dinner when
+Tris came and she looked very surprised not to see you, but if you ask
+me, she was thrilled to death. She’s been on the make for Beebo ever
+since you met at the dress shop. She strung you along for a contact with
+Beebo.”
+
+“I don’t believe you,” Laura lied bravely. “Go on.”
+
+“Well, darling, that makes it slightly awkward. It’s essential to the
+narrative that you believe it.” But Laura’s cold white face discouraged
+her sarcasm and she went on. “Well, Tris was nuts for her. That time she
+burst in on you and Beebo got so mad—yes, she told me about it—she came
+to see Beebo, not you. She didn’t care a damn if it got you in trouble.
+The only thing she cared about was seeing Beebo. She wasn’t very happy
+about the way Beebo treated her then, but she’s had better luck
+since....
+
+“Well, Beebo didn’t even try to fight her off. She just let her in and
+they spent a couple of weeks together. And the whole time that awful
+Milo—Tris’s husband—I think you’ve met?—yes. That must have been jolly.”
+She grinned maliciously. “Well, Milo was over there all the time, just
+mad as hell. It’s a wonder he didn’t kill Beebo, the way Tris carried on
+about her. It took him four whole months to drag her away, and Tris
+still comes over whenever she can sneak out. But Beebo and Milo get
+along better now. Since he realized Beebo’s not in love with his wife.
+
+“For some strange reason she can’t seem to fall in love with anybody. I
+think she’s crazy myself. I mean, after all, you’re not _that_
+irresistible.” She paused and Laura took advantage of it to switch the
+subject, fast.
+
+“What about the job? You said she had a job.”
+
+“Oh, yes, I did, didn’t I? Well, she’s waiting on tables at the
+Colophon. Oh, don’t look so disappointed, lamb, she _likes_ it. Besides,
+she can wear pants.” Lili knew how Laura hated Beebo’s elevator uniform,
+and it pleased her to point out that Beebo hadn’t reformed. “She works
+from five to eleven,” Lili went on. “Really very good hours. And then of
+course she’s free to get soused till dawn.”
+
+“Does she?”
+
+“Sometimes.”
+
+“Is it very bad?” Laura asked, her voice a little shaky with fatigue.
+
+“Sometimes.”
+
+“God, Lili, is that all you can say? Sometimes? _Tell_ me about her, I
+haven’t heard anything for eight months!”
+
+“That’s the way you wanted it, darling.”
+
+“No. No, it isn’t,” she whispered. “That’s the way it had to be.”
+
+“I would say—judging strictly from your very interesting diary—that you
+were glad to get rid of Beebo. Maybe you’re just here to ease your
+conscience, hm? Be sure she hasn’t done anything messy you’d have to
+blame yourself for?”
+
+Laura had to look away for a minute. The shame was too plain on her
+face. “That was a stupid thing, that diary,” she mumbled. She started
+crying softly, helplessly. “Lili, cut out the sarcasm,” she pleaded,
+knowing it would do no good.
+
+“Why, don’t be silly!” Lili exclaimed, enjoying the scene. “I haven’t an
+ounce of sarcasm in me. I’m just a reporter giving you the facts.”
+
+“You’re a lousy gossip columnist!” Laura said. “You’re all dirty digs
+and snide cracks, and about a tenth of what you say is true. Tris
+Robischon was shy and neurotic. She hated gay bars. She wouldn’t have
+gone in if she hadn’t been forced. She hated gay people so much that she
+wouldn’t associate with them.”
+
+“Like hell,” Lili said elegantly. “She lived in the Village, didn’t she?
+Who do you think her ballet pupils were, anyway?”
+
+“Children! Men! Little girls!”
+
+“_And_ big girls, darling.”
+
+“She never had affairs with them. She might have slept with one or two
+of the men, but not with the girls. I’m sure of it.”
+
+“Have you talked to Milo about that?”
+
+“No ... not about that. But I _know_ Tris!”
+
+“Must be wonderful to be so sure of yourself, pet,” Lili drawled. “The
+fact is, your little pseudo-Indian slept with dozens of her pupils. She
+went to the Lessie bars because Beebo did, and Beebo’s not the first
+girl she’s done it with. You can check it. Go ask the bartender at the
+Cellar. Ask the lovelies at the Colophon. At Julian’s. Go on. Scared?”
+
+Laura stood up suddenly and headed for the door. “I’ve had enough, Lili.
+Thanks. Thanks a lot.” She spoke briefly, afraid of more tears, and
+grabbed her coat as she went. But Lili got up and ran after her.
+
+“But darling, I want to know where you’ve been all this time!”
+
+“It’s no business of yours.”
+
+“Oh, tell me, Laura. Don’t be difficult,” she said. “Beebo would be
+interested,” she wheedled.
+
+“Oh, I doubt it. After what you’ve told me. But just for the record,
+I’ve been living uptown.”
+
+“Where uptown?”
+
+But Laura shook her head.
+
+“Alone?” Lili said.
+
+“No.” Laura didn’t know why she said it. It just seemed easier than
+arguing. Besides, she didn’t want Lili to think she was friendless and
+despised everywhere.
+
+“You know, Jack Mann disappeared from the Village the same time you
+did,” Lili said, her voice vibrant with curiosity.
+
+“Yes.”
+
+“Do you know where he is?”
+
+“I see him now and then.” She slipped her coat on and opened the front
+door, not bothering to look back at Lili. Her face was streaked with
+tears and torment and she wanted to go, to get out, to hide somewhere.
+
+“Where are you going, pet? Why in such a hurry?”
+
+“I’m a little sick, Lili, thanks to you. You have that effect on me,”
+Laura said.
+
+Lili laughed charmingly. “Imagine!” she said. “It’s an even trade, then.
+Well, just so you don’t go near Beebo, I guess it’s safe to let you
+loose.”
+
+“I have no intention of going near Beebo,” Laura said coldly, turning to
+look at her.
+
+“Good,” Lili said. “She’d kill you for sure.”
+
+Laura felt a red fury come up in her and she stepped back into the
+living room, her face so strange and tense that Lili, for the first time
+since Laura had come, became rather alarmed.
+
+“Lili, goddamn you to hell, quit telling lies! Quit exaggerating!” Laura
+cried. “I hurt Beebo, but not _that_ much. I didn’t ruin her life, for
+God’s sake! Or cripple her or kill her or drive her crazy! And I won’t
+stand here and be accused of something I didn’t do. Beebo’s no angel,
+you know. Beebo damn near drove _me_ out of my mind when we lived
+together. She hurt me more than once—I mean _really_ hurt, and I’ve got
+scars to prove it. I know she loved me, but that doesn’t make her
+perfect and me a double-damned bitch. Love affairs have broken up
+before. The world keeps on spinning!” She spoke fiercely to bolster up
+her words. For the truth was that Laura remembered only too well the
+night Beebo had told her she might kill her someday, and then herself.
+
+But she couldn’t let Lili see that, or suspect it, or think that Laura
+feared it. She hated Lili with all the force of her own fear and
+uncertainty and resentment at that moment, and her wild hair and hot
+face actually did scare Lili.
+
+“All right,” Lili said finally, putting her drink down on a dainty
+Empire drawer table near the door. “All right, Laura Landon, I’ll tell
+you something.” And Laura saw now that Lili had to defend the things she
+had said with a good serving of bitter anger: the _pièce de résistance_.
+“You think Beebo would welcome you back with loving arms? You think
+she’d forgive you?”
+
+“I didn’t say that!”
+
+“You think I’ve been kidding about how hard she took it when you broke
+up? When you left her? Sure you do. You make yourself think it. Because
+you don’t want to feel guilty about it. But you listen to this. Listen!”
+she cried suddenly as Laura made a sudden move to leave.
+
+Lili threw herself against the door, panting with the exaltation of
+mingled fear and pleasure at hurting Laura. “Remember Nix? Remember that
+nice little dog you hated so much? Oh, you hated him all right. Beebo
+didn’t have to tell me, I saw it with my own eyes. Everybody did. You
+did everything but kick him. And I wouldn’t be surprised if you did even
+_that_ when nobody was looking. Well, what happened to poor Nix?”
+
+“You know damn well!” Laura flashed, feeling trapped and desperate. “You
+know as well as I do. Let me out of here, Lili!”
+
+“He died, didn’t he? Rather messily. Let’s say, horribly. Such a nice
+little dog. You know how he died, Laura?”
+
+“If you’re trying to say _I_ did it—”
+
+“Beebo killed him. Sliced him in half with that big chef’s knife you had
+in the kitchen table drawer.”
+
+For a horrified second, Laura was silent, paralyzed. She almost fainted.
+She actually staggered backwards and lost her balance. Lili grabbed her
+to break the fall and left her lying on the floor, her face buried in
+the plush carpet, sobbing, wailing with shock and horror. Even Lili,
+finally, was worried about her. She tried to snap her out of it with
+sarcasm.
+
+“You could have shown a little concern when it happened,” she said,
+“instead of saving it all for now. It’s a little late now. Those are
+crocodile tears, Laura.” But they weren’t, and Lili couldn’t get much
+conviction into her voice. She bent over Laura and said, “Stop it!
+Really, Laura! Don’t make a scene. Oh!” she exclaimed in exasperation
+and alarm. “And she accuses _me_ of theatrics!” she cried to the
+ceiling, her hands to her temples.
+
+After a long while Laura rolled over, her breath tumbling uncontrollably
+in and out of her, her face blotched and stricken.
+
+“It isn’t true, is it?” she whispered. “You just wanted to hurt me.
+Lili?”
+
+Lili, sitting on the edge of her velvet couch, with her elbows on her
+knees and her chin in her hands, said, “It’s true.” She gazed at Laura
+and there was no pose, no elegance in her. It wasn’t worth the effort
+now. Laura was beyond noticing or caring. With her face relaxed, the
+lines of thirty-seven years showed around Lili’s mouth and eyes. She was
+wondering if the startling effect her words had had was worth it.
+
+Laura looked sick. What a bother to have to call a doctor! She shouldn’t
+have told her. She had had a good time roasting her. She should have let
+her go. But there was Laura, her bosom heaving, her face a strange
+color, her eyes enormous. _Odd, I never noticed how big they are_, Lili
+thought idly.
+
+“Did anyone ... really ... beat her up?” Laura said, her breath
+betraying her and making her gasp. “Or did she make up the hoodlums,
+too—like Nix?” And she covered her face to cry while Lili answered her.
+
+“She did that to herself. After she killed Nix. I don’t know why she did
+it. I hate to admit it, but I guess she did it out of frustrated love. I
+tried to make her explain it when she told me about it—and believe me,
+she wouldn’t have if she hadn’t been fried—and she just said, ‘Laura
+hated him. I thought she might stay with me longer if he was gone.’
+After she did it she beat herself. I don’t know how. I don’t know with
+what. She didn’t say. Maybe she just whacked at herself with her fists.
+Maybe she used something heavy. Anyway, she did it while she was
+hysterical. At least, that’s what I think. I don’t see how she could
+have hurt herself that much if she hadn’t been half crazy. She was
+mourning for Nix and she was afraid of losing you.”
+
+Lili stopped talking, and Laura realized dimly that there had been no
+cutting edge in her voice for the past few minutes.
+
+After a little while of silence Laura got up dizzily from the floor and
+dried her eyes. Her face had gone very white and she sat down for a
+minute in a chair.
+
+“Did you ever love her?” Lili asked. “Really?”
+
+Laura turned to look at her, and her eyes seemed remarkably deep and
+different, as if she had seen something for the first time. She didn’t
+seem to have heard Lili.
+
+“Did you ever love her, Laura?” Lili asked again.
+
+“Not until now,” Laura said, and Lili stared at her.
+
+                   *       *       *       *       *
+
+When Laura got home, all she wanted was to go in the bedroom, turn out
+all the lights, and crawl half dressed into her bed. And try to make
+sense of her awful knowledge, try to live with it. She couldn’t think of
+Beebo without pain.
+
+Jack followed her into the bedroom where she sprawled on the bed
+sobbing. He went to her and said worriedly, “Jesus, honey. Tell me about
+it.” He sat down beside her, his hands on her shoulders trying to ease
+her. “Did the stock market crash?”
+
+She wept on as if he weren’t there.
+
+“You got a bad pickle in your hamburger?”
+
+No response.
+
+“Your girdle split?”
+
+She rolled over and looked at him with mournful eyes. “Jack, this is no
+time to be stupid.”
+
+“I can’t say anything very bright till you tell me what’s the matter,”
+he said.
+
+Laura blew her nose hard. He made her feel ludicrous and she resented
+it. “Beebo,” she said finally. “Beebo. Oh, Jack.” She looked at him with
+red eyes. “She _must_ have killed your little dog. The one you gave her
+after Nix died.”
+
+“_Must_ have?”
+
+“She killed Nix. Nobody beat her up. She did it to herself.”
+
+They stared at each other, Jack beginning to share her feelings.
+
+He heaped his scorn on Beebo. “Damn!” he said. “Damn silly hysterical
+female. I thought Beebo had more sense than most women.”
+
+“Just because she’s not _like_ most women?” Laura cried. “Jack, you make
+me furious! The more mannish a woman is, the more sense you think she’s
+got! God! Beebo’s _sick_! She’s sick or she wouldn’t have done it. When
+I think what she must have gone through, I—oh....” And she wept again,
+silently and hard. “She’s no damn silly female. You damn silly _man_!”
+
+“What is she, then?” he asked, smiling a little.
+
+Laura turned back to the bed and muttered, “I don’t know. She’s mixed up
+and unhappy and maybe she’s still in love with me. She’s miserable
+because of me, anyway. I know that much.”
+
+“Isn’t that touching,” Jack commented acidly. “You have a desirable
+woman walloping herself and bisecting dachshunds out of love for you. It
+must do wonders for your ego.”
+
+Laura didn’t even answer. She just flew at him, nails first, and took a
+wild swipe at his face. She missed; Jack was fast, and prepared. But she
+struggled desperately with him with her knees, her elbows, teeth and
+nails, until she was exhausted. She didn’t last long. Lili had taken the
+fight out of her.
+
+He laid her back down on the bed when she was gulping for air and went
+to get her some coffee.
+
+“Now, tell me where you learned about Beebo,” he said when he returned.
+
+After a long, reluctant pause she answered him. Her basic trust in him
+persuaded her, but she promised herself that if he got sarcastic again
+she would stop speaking to him. Permanently.
+
+“I saw Lili this afternoon,” she whispered.
+
+He gave a snort. “For old times’ sake?” he asked.
+
+“To ask about Beebo,” she said haughtily.
+
+“And she told you that romantic little tale? About carving up Nix?”
+
+“Yes.”
+
+“And you believed her?”
+
+“Yes. She wasn’t kidding.”
+
+“Oh, she never does,” he said with false agreement.
+
+Laura flipped over to face him, her face red, but he interrupted her
+before she could get a word out. “Okay, she told the truth, we’ll say.”
+He moved her coffee gently toward her as he spoke. “And if she did it’s
+pretty awful and it’s pretty sad. And I wish like hell that it hadn’t
+happened to Beebo, because she’s a damn nice kid and I always liked her.
+I’m sorry about it, Laura—”
+
+“Sorry!” she exploded. “What a stinking little word that is for what she
+must have gone through!”
+
+“What’s in a word, honey?” Jack shrugged, frowning. “You want a eulogy?
+I’m sorry, if Beebo really did it. That’s not fancy but it’s true. I
+can’t put Nix back together. I can’t order you to love Beebo the way she
+loves you.”
+
+There was a long silence then while Laura considered what he said. Her
+feelings for Beebo seemed to have undergone a transformation that
+afternoon. It was as if she saw clearly, and for the first time, into
+Beebo’s secret heart, into her pain and frustration and passion. And
+Laura’s own heart melted, touched, awed, a little exalted even to think
+that she could have inspired such a wonderful, terrible, mad,
+single-minded love in anybody. All of a sudden it seemed very valuable
+to her. She wanted it back, just the way it had been. She would know how
+to respect it now.
+
+She lay there looking at Jack and felt a small fear licking at her heart
+like a flame. What if her love for Beebo became more precious to her
+than her love for Jack?
+
+She said pensively, “I felt so bad about everything. I’ve been so
+selfish.”
+
+“Not with me, honey.”
+
+There was a long pause. At last she said, “You mean—going to the doctor,
+and everything?”
+
+“That’s only part of it.” He got up and went to her.
+
+Laura was standing in her bare feet, leaning against a wall and looking
+out at the East River. Her eyes were fastened on the night lights of the
+city. Jack touched her shoulder.
+
+“Laura, darling, I’ve loved you for a long time ... ever since we met, I
+think. I’ve never loved you less than I did at the start. And now I love
+you much much more. Just the fact that you were willing to try for a
+child means the whole world to me. Even if it never works out. I can’t
+love you with my body. You wouldn’t want it even if I could. But I don’t
+think I’ve ever loved anyone as much as you, honey. Not even the lovely
+boys I could never resist. Not even Terry, and there never was a
+lovelier one. When all the sweat and passion are over with there’s
+nothing but ashes and melancholy. Nothing’s deader than a gay love
+that’s burned out. But with you ... I don’t know, it just goes on and
+on. It’s steady and comforting. It won’t fail me, no matter what. It
+gives me a little faith—not much, but a little—in myself. In people. In
+you.”
+
+Laura turned her head away so he wouldn’t see the tears.
+
+“Laura, you can say what you please but you’ll never convince me that I
+did a cowardly thing marrying you. A selfish thing, yes. A hell of a
+selfish thing. I think I would have gone to pieces without you. But I
+wasn’t running away from my old life as much as I was running to a new
+one.”
+
+Suddenly Laura felt a big ugly need to fight. Maybe it was just to let
+off steam after a nerve-wracking afternoon. Maybe it was to make her
+forget how guilty she felt about Beebo. Probably it was both.
+
+Laura turned and walked away from him, feeling his hand slip from her
+shoulder, unwanted and unsure. “Well, I don’t know why _you_ left the
+Village but I think I know why _I_ did. Finally,” she said. Her voice
+was hard and she knew she was going to hurt him and she cringed from it
+almost as much as he did. And still she spoke, compulsively. “I left
+because it was the only way I could see out of my problems. You were my
+escape hatch, Jack. You were just too damn convenient.”
+
+“That’s my charm,” he said harshly. “Ask Terry.”
+
+“It isn’t the first time I’ve run away from my problems. I ran away from
+Beth in college. I ran away from my father. From Marcie—remember her?
+She was straight. I didn’t find out till I tried to make love to her.”
+
+“I remember. You ran straight to me. And if you hadn’t you’d be enjoying
+a protracted vacation in a mental institution at this moment.”
+
+“You helped, I admit it. I don’t know what I would have done. But that’s
+not the point. The point is, that here I am doing it again. Running
+away. Not _to_ you this time, but _with_ you.”
+
+“So?” he said. “So we run away. So what the hell? Let’s run. Who gives a
+damn? What’s _eating_ you, Laura?”
+
+“It’s wrong, that’s what! You told me when we left the Village I’d get
+over it and Beebo didn’t matter ... she’d survive. And I believed you.
+Until today.”
+
+“And now you think she won’t survive?” he asked bitingly. “Because of
+something she did ten months ago while you were still living with her?”
+
+Laura was swallowed up for a moment in a sob. “I want her!” she gasped
+finally. “Oh, God and Heaven, I want her!” And she stamped her foot like
+a furious child.
+
+When she was quiet enough so he could talk without shouting, Jack said,
+“Sure. I want Terry. But we’re poison together. So are you and Beebo. If
+you go to her you’ll come running back to Uncle Jack before the month is
+out. Fed up all over again. Only this time there’ll be a difference.
+This time Beebo really will commit mayhem. Or murder. Or both. And if
+you don’t run fast enough, Mother, it may be you she murders. I wouldn’t
+put it past her.”
+
+“I want her back!” Laura amazed herself with her own words, words she
+never meant to say. Jack stared at her, his face pale and determined.
+
+“You can’t have her.”
+
+“Jack,” she said, suddenly pleading, “let me go to her. Just for a week
+or two. Please. Please let me.” She walked toward him as she spoke, her
+arms extended.
+
+“No,” he said flatly. “Two weeks, hell.” He was afraid she wouldn’t ever
+come back.
+
+“Jack, I wouldn’t stay. I’d come back to you.”
+
+“No!” It was absolute. He couldn’t take the chance. “We’ve had all this
+out. We agreed to it before we got married.”
+
+“Jack, darling—”
+
+“I won’t talk about it, Laura. You can’t go back to her and that’s
+final.”
+
+“But only for a week or two, just a few days....”
+
+“You’re my wife,” he blazed so fiercely that she stopped in her tracks,
+startled. “You’re my wife and you’re not going to live with any Lesbian
+in any Village! Not while I live!”
+
+She tried once more. “Jack, don’t you understand? For the first time I’m
+beginning to realize how I feel about her, how I always felt. Tris made
+me realize it a little. And now Lili. And even living with you—”
+
+“Living with me has made you lonesome for women, that’s all. And Beebo’s
+a handy woman. Goddam it, Laura, I never denied you women. I’ve
+encouraged you. Admit it, go on! I’ve _asked_ you to chase a few broads.
+It’s not my fault if you’ve developed an itch. Go out and have yourself
+a fling; you should have done it long ago. I don’t give a damn, only
+don’t go to Beebo. And come back. Come back here, you understand? If you
+don’t I’ll come after you! And I’m capable of mayhem myself!”
+
+She looked at his big burning eyes and trembled. “I just want to see
+her,” she whispered.
+
+“What makes you think she wants to see _you_?” he demanded. “What makes
+you think she won’t greet you at the door with the same knife she used
+on Nix?”
+
+“That’s what Lili said.”
+
+“Well, for once Lili is right. I know Beebo; she’s crazy. You catch her
+on a wrong day in a wrong mood and she won’t even think about it. She’ll
+just operate on you as she did on the dogs.” He gazed unblinking at her.
+“That would kill me, Laura, as sure as it would you. Besides, I can’t
+take any chances. You might be carrying my child.”
+
+This struck fury into Laura. She had nearly managed to forget the child,
+in the press of other things, but no longer. She picked up a pair of his
+shoes, sprawled near the closet, and flung them at him, one after the
+other. One flew through the window, splattering glass in its wake, and
+the other struck his arm.
+
+“Why do you torment me?” she shouted. “Why do you talk about nothing but
+baby, baby, baby? I never wanted the damn thing! I hope I never have a
+baby! I hope I never have _your_ baby! I hope it’s born a boy! I hope
+it’s born blind! I hope it’s never born at all!” She was screaming at
+him, and he came to her carefully, coaxing her.
+
+“You’re all wrought up, Mother,” he said. He could see that she was
+hysterical.
+
+“Don’t call me Mother!” she shrieked, her voice strained so that she
+could hardly articulate.
+
+“Laura, for God’s sake,” he said, trying to brush it off, trying to keep
+calm, help her. “I call you ‘Mother’ in honor of my Oedipus complex.
+Purely a formality. It has nothing to do with babies. Come lie down,
+honey. Come on. I’ll get you something to quiet you down. Come on,” he
+wheedled gently, but she looked at him like he meant to murder her then
+and there, backing away from him. When he made a quick move to grab her,
+she sprang away, picking up the stool to her dressing table. She threw
+it at him with all her strength. While he dodged she grabbed her shoes
+and coat and ran from the room.
+
+At the front door she paused briefly to stare at him with desperate eyes
+and then she heaved an ashtray at him and fled. It cut his hand, which
+he threw up to protect his face.
+
+Laura ran down the stairs. There was no time to wait for the elevator.
+She could hear Jack behind her, running and calling her name. At the
+front door she turned swiftly toward the river and climbed a chain link
+fence, ripping the flesh here and there along her limbs and tearing her
+blouse. She dropped, torn and gasping, to the other side just as Jack
+burst from the door and looked wildly in all directions for her. She
+rolled soundlessly some feet down the long slope that ended in chill
+black water.
+
+There she waited, sobbing quietly, clinging to handfuls of greasy mud
+and roots and embedded rocks. She heard his footsteps going toward First
+Avenue. He thought she would run for a taxi or hide in a doorway. Laura
+scrambled and stumbled south along the embankment, not waiting for him
+to come back looking for her. There was a suffocating panic in her. She
+didn’t question it or wonder where it came from. She just did as it bid
+her, struggling through the dirt on the incline.
+
+There was no looking back, no stopping for rest. She moved forward
+doggedly, tripping and sinking to her knees and clambering up again and
+going on, trying to stay near the fence in case she lost her footing.
+The going was slippery and rough and her breath rasped in and out with a
+fast whining sound. She had gone nearly three blocks when a jutting
+stone, invisible in the semi-dark, threw her, and she felt herself begin
+to skid and roll. She made a wild grab for the fence but it was already
+fifteen feet above her and receding fast. The wind was bumped out of her
+and she could not even scream. She had no idea how far she had fallen
+before she stopped.
+
+Laura lay gasping and moaning for a few minutes, trying to get her
+breath back. She knew she was crying but she made no effort to stop. She
+moved herself gently to see if anything was broken, but the ground was
+not hard and she had missed the bad stones. She had no idea how long she
+had been there. It might have been minutes, it might have been hours.
+She thought vaguely it must have been hours when she finally stirred,
+chilled through, and opened her eyes. Beside her, on the ground, sat a
+man.
+
+Laura screamed, a weak shuddering noise, and fell back, covering her
+face with her hands.
+
+“Don’t mind me,” he said. “I won’t hurt you.”
+
+Laura felt herself trembling with fear. She tried to pull her torn
+clothes straight, but it was so dark she could hardly see what she was
+doing. When he turned his face toward her she could see a little of it.
+It was very indeterminate; there was no way to guess his age or anything
+about him.
+
+She stood up quickly and started to scramble up the hill, but he said,
+“There’s an easier way.”
+
+She gave him one quick scared glance and then went on, but he stood up
+and said, “There’s steps about a half block on.”
+
+Again she turned, very wary but willing to listen now. It looked a
+million miles to the top.
+
+“I’ll show you,” he offered. His voice was not menacing and he stood
+facing her with his hands in his back pockets, a black statue with
+silver edges. “Come on, I’ll walk ahead.”
+
+He turned then and went southward, agile and sure. After a moment Laura
+began to follow him, moving clumsily and with great effort, trying to
+copy his movements and praying that he wouldn’t suddenly attack her. She
+stooped and grabbed a sharp stone glinting at her feet and held it tight
+in a sweating hand, just in case.
+
+He heard her panting behind him and stopped, bringing Laura up sharp
+with a gasp. “You’re tired,” he said. “Want to sit down a minute?”
+
+She shook her head at him.
+
+“You can talk to me, I’m no devil,” he said. And she had the idea he was
+grinning at her. But when she maintained her tense silence he shrugged
+and turned back. Now and then he glanced at her to see how she was
+doing. “Want some help?” he asked when she stumbled once, leaning toward
+her, but she drew back fast and he said, “Okay. Just trying to help.”
+
+They walked for a few moments and Laura was almost ready to bolt from
+him when she realized that the lights ahead she had taken for far
+distant were in reality small bulbs strung up to illuminate a row of
+steps.
+
+“Maybe you’re wondering who I am,” he said almost hopefully as they
+neared the steps, as if he had a story to tell and was looking for a
+listener.
+
+He turned, one hand on the iron rail that ran alongside the steps, and
+held out a hand to her. “Here y’are. Help you?”
+
+She ignored him, turning her back to him to swing a leg over the low
+railing.
+
+“Don’t you wonder who I am?” he said. “I don’t help just anybody, little
+girl.” He spoke sharply. “Don’t you want to know my name?”
+
+“No!” she cried suddenly, angrily, startling herself. “You’re just a man
+and all men are alike. No matter what their names are!” He gaped at her,
+astonished. “You don’t really care about me, only about yourself. You
+don’t want to know _my_ name, you only want me to know _yours_.” She
+spoke breathlessly at breakneck speed. “You can’t suffer like a woman
+can. You aren’t made to take it, you men. You’re just made big enough
+and brute enough to hurt us. But we can’t hurt you. We can’t hurt you,
+do you hear?” And she stopped abruptly, putting her hand over her mouth
+in a storm of self-pity and shame and revulsion. It was Jack she was
+screaming at, not this stranger. She couldn’t believe she had hurt Jack
+as she had hurt Beebo or it would destroy her. She screamed to make
+herself believe she couldn’t really hurt him, no matter what she did.
+
+The tears burst from her eyes when she saw it all for a lie. A lie
+shouted to spare her own tortured feelings. The man looked at her,
+patient now and unamazed. He was over his first surprise. And hers was
+not the first desperate speech he had heard on the shores of the East
+River.
+
+Laura began to run up the steps.
+
+“You won’t get far, looking like that,” he called after her.
+
+Momentarily Laura stopped and looked at herself in dismay. She turned
+and glanced back at her guide. He was standing on the steps some twenty
+feet below her, smiling at her consternation. He was a large man,
+big-boned, and she thought, _My God, he could break me in two. Like my
+father._
+
+“Cat got your tongue?” he said.
+
+She started up again on shaky legs and he called, “Is that all the
+thanks I get?”
+
+At this Laura began to run, but to her alarm he ran after her. She felt
+her heart balloon in her chest, beating frantically, and when he caught
+her, only a few steps from the top, she yelled in fear. She would have
+screamed without stopping until somebody heard her if he had not wrapped
+a big hand around her mouth and forced her against the gate.
+
+“I won’t hurt you,” he said. “I told you that. I never hurt anyone. I’m
+harmless.” He grinned, and Laura, squirming under his big hand, was
+dizzy with panic.
+
+He held her quietly for a few minutes as if to assure her that he spoke
+in good faith. Finally he asked her, “Where are you going?” and released
+her mouth. When she tried to holler at once he covered it again.
+
+“I’ll ask you again,” he said. “But don’t yell. Where are you going?”
+
+When he freed her mouth this time she murmured, “Home. I’m going home.
+Let me go.”
+
+“How you getting home?”
+
+“I—I’ll walk. It’s not far. Just a block.”
+
+“You know what block this is?” He smiled with superior knowledge.
+
+“It can’t be far,” she said.
+
+He shook his head quizzically. “I don’t get it. You’re not even drunk.
+You’re tore up but you’re no tramp neither. Mostly the ones I find down
+here are hitting the bottle. Or they wouldn’t be down here. Or kids,
+exploring. Not pretty girls.” He smiled and Laura’s one intense hope was
+that she not faint and fall into his clutches.
+
+“Let me go,” she said, trying to sound controlled. But her big eyes and
+urgent breathing gave her away.
+
+“Okay.” He took his hands away from her altogether, and said, “Go. But
+I’ll bet you need a dime to telephone with.”
+
+She turned, dragging on the gate behind her until he said, “Here. Let
+me.” He opened it for her. And when she saw that he was really going to
+let her go, she allowed herself to turn and look at him. See him. He was
+holding out a dime.
+
+“Take it,” he said. “At least you can call somebody to come get you.”
+
+Laura stared at him. He was big and ugly, seamy-faced, and wearing dirty
+clothes with a worn cap tilted over his ear. But he had a nice honest
+grin. And he looked, for all his dirt and size, rather childish. Laura
+stood poised at the gate, wavering between flight and the dime. At last
+she took it, her face reddening. She had to drop her sharp stone to get
+it.
+
+“Didn’t need that, didya?” he said with a smile, watching it fall.
+
+She shook her head and whispered, “Thanks.”
+
+“That’s all I want to hear,” he said and let her go. She ran halfway
+down the block, and then turned, overwhelmed with curiosity, to see what
+had happened to him. He was standing there behind the closed gate gazing
+after her, smiling. _He’s nuts_, she thought. _An idiot. A damn man!
+That’s probably all he does, save people from the river. But even that
+... even that pitiful life is worth more than mine. All I’ve ever done
+is hurt the people I love the most._
+
+At the end of the block she stopped running and looked once more. He was
+gone.
+
+
+
+
+                                   10
+
+
+Laura hid herself for a minute in a shadowed doorway and tried to make
+sense of things. She was a mess, with mud on her torn clothes and on her
+face, tangled hair and dried blood.
+
+She made an effort to smooth her hair down. There was some Kleenex in
+her pocket and she wiped her face off carefully, reaching every corner
+of it and rubbing till the skin turned pink. She brushed at her
+disheveled clothes rather hopelessly. Maybe it was late enough so nobody
+would notice her.
+
+She began to walk, holding her arms together in front of her as if to
+keep herself warm, but in fact to keep the worst rips from showing. And
+she kept her head down. _If only the police don’t stop me_, she thought.
+_I must look like a whore._
+
+Laura walked straight west on Forty-first Street, for it was
+Forty-first, past Lexington Avenue and Park and Fifth and Broadway and
+over to Seventh. No cops stopped her, although more than one passerby
+stared.
+
+It was cold, a raw March night with the sting of coming storm in the
+air. Laura went south on Seventh Avenue, walking almost mechanically.
+When she thought of it she realized it was cold. But she hardly thought
+of it. There was too much else on her mind.
+
+She was very surprised to reach Fourth Street so quickly. She had known,
+without thinking, that that was where she was going. In less than five
+minutes she had entered the little court in front of Beebo’s apartment
+building and the old familiar trembling had begun.
+
+She sat down on a bench in the court to gather her strength. At last she
+looked up the wall of dark windows behind her, twisting on the bench to
+see, and saw lights in Beebo’s living room, and began to shiver.
+
+Ten or a dozen times she looked up anxiously at the lights on the second
+floor. They were faint, as if only one small light were on. With a
+sudden rush of desire that eliminated the need to make a decision, she
+pulled open the inside door and raced up the stairs.
+
+At the top she stood trying desperately to get her breath. But she knew
+after a moment that her whole body would shake and sweat and wear itself
+out with unbearable anticipation if she didn’t get the door open. She
+reached for the knob, but it was locked.
+
+She rattled the knob hard and then she knocked.
+
+When the door swung open a moment later she gasped in amazement. It was
+Milo Robinson—Tris’s husband.
+
+“Milo!” she exclaimed.
+
+He stared at her.
+
+“Don’t you remember me? I’m Laura. Laura Landon.”
+
+“I remember,” he said quietly. “I just never saw you fresh out of the
+gutter before.”
+
+She looked down at herself and her cheeks went scarlet. “I look awful,
+don’t I?”
+
+“Somebody after you?” Milo asked.
+
+“Yes. No. I don’t know. Can I come in?”
+
+“I guess you can,” he said, stepping back. “You’ve got as much right to
+be here as me, that’s for sure.”
+
+Laura walked into the living room and just the sight of it, warm and
+comfortable and a little raggy, made her want to weep. She sank down on
+the couch, exhausted.
+
+“Want some coffee?” Milo said, staring at her.
+
+“No, thanks. I’ve had too much tonight.”
+
+“Milk?”
+
+“I guess so. Thanks.”
+
+“You look real bad, Laura. You’d better get to bed,” he said frowning at
+her.
+
+“Where’s Beebo?”
+
+“Tell me that and I’ll tell you where my wife is,” he said sharply.
+
+“You coming back to Beebo?” he asked her.
+
+“If she’ll have me.”
+
+“From what I know of it, she won’t. But I’m on your side, Laura. I’d do
+anything to pry Patsy loose.”
+
+It startled her to hear him call Tris by her real name. “Is Beebo in
+love with her?” she asked cautiously.
+
+“Naw,” he said with leisurely disgust. “She puts up with her but she’s
+not in love with her.” He ambled out to the kitchen to pour her some
+milk. “I should be so lucky,” he called. “I’d dump her. Right now.”
+
+“How about Tris? How does she feel?”
+
+He answered her while he poured the milk. “I don’t know, Laura. I never
+could figure that kid. Living with her only makes it more confusing.” He
+sounded very tired, like a man defeated. “I wish I could forget her,
+forget the whole thing.”
+
+He came back and handed her the milk and sat down in a chair near her.
+
+They looked at each other. He was a tall young man in his early
+twenties, handsome and well educated. His skin was dark and satiny in
+the pink lamplight.
+
+“Does she love you?” Laura asked gently.
+
+He shrugged and gave a little laugh. “Who knows?” he said. “She says so
+now and then. But that’s only when I lay down the law on the Lessie
+stuff.”
+
+“What’s the law?” Laura said.
+
+“Well, goddam it, enough’s enough!” he exclaimed. “I like to see her
+once in a while myself. She’s my wife.”
+
+Laura thought of Jack and felt the tears start quietly down again.
+“Excuse me,” she sniffled. “I’m running like a sieve tonight. I don’t
+know why. Did Jack Mann come over here tonight?”
+
+“I wouldn’t know,” Milo said. “I’ve only been here since midnight.”
+
+“Did he call?”
+
+“Nobody called.”
+
+“Nobody?” She had been so certain Jack would follow her here. “When does
+Beebo get in?”
+
+“You tell me, then we’ll both know.” He sighed.
+
+“What will you do with Tris, Milo?” She spoke softly, sympathetically,
+in a raspy tired voice.
+
+“Take her home again.”
+
+“Do you understand her? What makes her so contrary?”
+
+“No.” He turned and gave her a doleful grin, lighting another cigarette
+from the first. “We’ve been married almost two years but I don’t know
+her at all, to tell the truth. But I sure won’t let her go.”
+
+“Does she want you to?”
+
+“I don’t think she does,” he said. “Sound screwy? Well, not so very. She
+needs me. Because I’m a man.” There was a pause and Laura mopped up the
+useless tears and tried to think of Milo’s troubles, not her own.
+
+“How long are you going to stay?” she asked him finally.
+
+“I guess till they get back,” he said.
+
+“Are you sure they’re together?”
+
+“More or less. Patsy has a big thing on her.”
+
+“Milo? Would you stay here till they get back, then? I’m afraid—I’m
+afraid of Beebo. She might hurt me.”
+
+He looked at her thoughtfully. “Yeah. Okay,” he said, studying her.
+“Say, haven’t you been gone a while? Patsy doesn’t tell me much, but I
+got the idea.... I haven’t seen you around or anything.”
+
+“Yes. I’ve been gone awhile,” she said, getting up. “I’m going to take a
+shower and get cleaned up. Don’t tell her I’m here if she comes.”
+
+“Patsy?”
+
+“Beebo! Either of them.”
+
+“Who shall I say is in the shower?”
+
+“Santa Claus,” she said. She looked at him sitting glumly slumped in the
+chair. “Why do you put up with it?” she said. “She’s too much. Tris is
+too much for anybody.”
+
+“Don’t call her Tris. She’s been Patsy ever since she was six years old
+and skinned her knees in front of my house. Tris. Christ! It’s too
+affected.”
+
+“Did she ... ever really love me, Milo?” Laura asked it with a catch in
+her throat.
+
+“Did she ever love any of us? I don’t know.”
+
+“Why do you keep coming back for more?”
+
+He shrugged. “Same reason you do. You love Beebo. You know it’s a mess
+and you’re in for a lot of hell. It’ll never be right. But you love her.
+So you take it.” He gave another sad little chuckle. “I wish I knew what
+it is about you girls. What makes you love each other?” Laura stared at
+him. “If I knew there’s one thing sure—I’d put a stop to it. What makes
+you queer, Laura? You tell me.”
+
+“What makes you normal, Milo?”
+
+“I was born that way. Don’t tell me you were _born_ queer! Ha!” And he
+was sarcastic now.
+
+“I was made that way,” she said calmly.
+
+“By who?” he asked skeptically.
+
+“A lot of people. My father. A girl named Beth. Myself. Fate.”
+
+He snorted. “Why don’t you give up women?”
+
+“Why don’t _you_!” she flashed.
+
+He blinked at her, beginning to feel her stormy intensity.
+
+“Is it _that_ bad?” he asked.
+
+“_Sure_, it’s that bad! Do you think I live this way because I like it?
+Would you live like you do if you could live like a white man?”
+
+After a moment he shook his head, looking curiously at her.
+
+“Neither would Tris. _Patsy._ So don’t be too hard on her, Milo. You
+damn men, you’re all lousy selfish bastards.”
+
+And to his astonishment, she threw the dirty dime at him.
+
+Laura was pulling on a pair of Beebo’s big men’s flannel pajamas when
+she heard the front door open, and her heart came to a sudden stop in
+her breast. It started again with a wild thump, and she stood with an
+ear to the door struggling to pull the roomy tops over her damp body and
+hear what was said.
+
+“Where is she?” Milo demanded.
+
+The front door shut and there was a pause. Laura heard the scrape of a
+match and the soft whistle of expelled breath.
+
+“I sent her home,” Beebo said. And her voice sent a sharp thrill of
+desire and recognition through Laura. She pressed her hands firmly over
+her breasts till the flesh nearly burst between her fingers, as if to
+still her own hard breathing.
+
+“Where, the studio?” Milo said.
+
+“Yeah. You entertaining, Milo?”
+
+“What?”
+
+“Who’s the milk drinker?”
+
+And Laura remembered suddenly the milk Milo had fixed her. She hadn’t
+finished it; just left it sitting on the table.
+
+“Santa Claus,” Milo said.
+
+“No kidding,” Beebo said with a grin. “I used to leave Santa Claus a
+glass of milk. And cookies. When I was a little kid. But that was
+Christmas Eve. This isn’t Christmas Eve, Milo.”
+
+“Check the shower,” Milo said. “I didn’t ask her over. You sure Patsy’s
+home?”
+
+“Hell, no,” Beebo said and she was right by the bedroom door. Laura
+leaped backwards across the room, stumbling and catching herself on the
+bed. She straightened up, her heart in her throat, watching the door.
+Her long blond hair was still damp from the shower, and she had on only
+the long, striped tops of Beebo’s pajamas. They reached to mid-thigh on
+her.
+
+Beebo’s hand twisted the knob. “Go home, friend,” she said to Milo,
+pausing. “Your wife needs a man tonight.”
+
+Milo shrugged at her. “She asked me to stay.”
+
+“_Who_ asked you to stay?”
+
+He thumbed at the bedroom. “Says you might hurt her.”
+
+Beebo stared hard at him for only a second more before she threw the
+door open hard. It cracked like a shot against the wall and Laura opened
+her eyes slowly. Her arms were crossed at the wrists and clamped tight
+over her breasts, as if to ward off attack. She looked at Beebo and
+Beebo looked at her without a word for several amazed minutes. Laura
+felt such a flash of agonized desire for this big, handsome, passionate
+girl who had been her lover that she was unable to speak.
+
+Finally Beebo walked slowly into the room, her hands shoved into the
+pockets of her pants, squinting through the smoke of the cigarette
+between her lips. “I thought Lili was kidding,” she said softly. “Seeing
+things.” And she gave a single short laugh. She walked to the bed and
+dropped her coat. “Relax, Laura, I’m not going to rape you,” she said.
+She turned, with her weight on one foot and the other on the bed rung,
+and called to Milo, “You can go now, Sir Galahad.”
+
+“It’s all right?” He came to the door and looked at Laura, who finally
+found the strength to nod at him. “Okay,” he said. He looked her up and
+down, surprised to find how desirable she looked with a clean skin and
+no rags. “Lotsa luck, girls,” he said with his rueful defeated smile,
+and he went out.
+
+“Thank you, Milo,” Laura called after him, but her voice was so low and
+husky with emotion that he did not hear her.
+
+There followed a long strange silence while Beebo stared at her. Laura
+kept her eyes on her toes, afraid to meet that penetrating gaze.
+
+At last Beebo crushed her cigarette and lay down on the bed, crossing
+her feet and stuffing her hands behind the pillow to raise her head.
+
+“All right, Laura,” she said calmly. “You’re here. Tell me what you
+want.”
+
+Laura looked up then, slowly, still very afraid. She was prepared for
+any violence, any brutality. It no longer mattered if Beebo hurt her or
+not. She was ready to submit to anything if Beebo would only take her
+back.
+
+“What do you want?” Beebo said.
+
+“To stay,” she whispered.
+
+Beebo’s eyes widened with surprise. “To stay? With me?” She looked away
+then at the wall. “You could have stayed last August.”
+
+“Last August I was miserably unhappy because of you. I had to get away.
+I found out I’m more unhappy without you than with you.”
+
+Beebo laughed outright then. “Doesn’t give you much of a choice, does
+it?” she said and her voice was not kind. Her laughter made Laura
+realize that she was a little drunk. Laura walked over to the side of
+the bed and knelt beside it, with her heart working as if it had taken
+her up a stiff hill.
+
+Beebo turned her head to watch her. “What’s that for?” she said,
+catching a corner of her pajamas between thumb and forefinger. Her flesh
+was only inches away from Laura’s for the first time in eight long
+months and there was a sudden current of feeling between them that
+leaped like a spark from Beebo’s hand to Laura’s breasts.
+
+“I had to change. My clothes were filthy. I took a shower and borrowed
+your pajamas.... I’ve been walking all night. All the way from midtown.”
+
+“What the hell did you do that for? Don’t they still have taxis in this
+town?” She was cold. Her hand dropped away from Laura.
+
+“I didn’t have any money. And I had to see you.”
+
+“Why?”
+
+Laura put her head down on the bed on her clasped hands and began to
+cry. “I love you,” she wept. And it was the first time since they had
+met that Beebo had heard her say it that way.
+
+She got up on one elbow and leaned toward Laura. Her face was impassive,
+but shrewd. “Not Tris?” she said.
+
+“Not Tris.”
+
+“Anybody else?”
+
+“Nobody else.” Laura lifted her tearful face. “Oh, Beebo, I’ve done you
+so wrong, darling. I didn’t know how bad it was. Lili told me—”
+
+“I know she did, the miserable bitch. God damn her soul. The only secret
+she can keep is her age.”
+
+“Beebo, I’ll do anything for you—anything—if you’ll have me back. Oh,
+darling, it took me months to figure out what was wrong with me. I’ve
+been so confused. And lately I’ve been thinking of you all the time. I
+don’t think I ever stopped loving you, Beebo. I thought when you saw me
+here you’d beat the hell out of me. If you want to ... do it ... if
+it’ll help.” She looked at her out of large frightened eyes, half
+expecting Beebo to jump her.
+
+But Beebo sat up then, grasping her ankles with her hands. “No, Laura,
+it’s too late for that. What good would that do?” She made a face,
+frowning. “There was a time when I would have. If you had come back last
+fall instead of now. I would have loved you enough then to hate you. But
+I’ve changed, Laura.... It doesn’t seem to matter so much any more.”
+
+There was a shocked silence from Laura. “You mean,” she ventured
+finally, “you don’t love me any more? Oh, Beebo! Oh, Beebo! No!” She
+covered her mouth with both hands, pressed so tight they turned white.
+
+Beebo looked at her curiously. “I love you, Laura,” she said, but it was
+impersonal, detached, as if it were just another fact in her life like
+her job or her black hair. “I’ll always love you. But I’ll never love
+you again the way I did before you ran out on me last summer. That was
+too much. When it happened it was a question of either dying of it ...
+or living with something else, changing myself. Becoming a different
+person. That’s what happened.”
+
+Laura, in her desperation, found the courage to touch Beebo then. She
+reached out for her, and Beebo unexpectedly turned to help her. She
+dragged Laura up on the bed with her two strong arms, and Laura gave a
+long groan of need and fear and gratitude, all mixed up together. Beebo
+held her in both arms, her back pressed against the wall, watching Laura
+struggle to control her tears and trembling. She was kind, she was
+patient. And it scared Laura, who suddenly discovered that she missed
+the old stormy fury and passion. Beebo seemed odd to her, and it was
+true that she had changed.
+
+“Laura,” she said. “I’ve been doing some thinking. I want to tell you
+something. Maybe you won’t want to come back to me so much any more.”
+
+“Let me tell you something first,” Laura begged. “If I don’t tell you,
+Beebo, I haven’t any right to touch you. I haven’t any right to be here.
+Maybe I don’t anyway. Darling, I—I’m married.” Beebo gasped a little,
+and Laura said quickly, “To Jack.”
+
+Beebo simply gaped at her for a second and then she burst out laughing.
+“Good God! _That’s_ what happened!” she exclaimed. “You and Jack. Oh,
+God!”
+
+“It wasn’t exactly—ridiculous,” Laura whispered, hurt. “We loved each
+other.” But Beebo went on laughing.
+
+“I’m sorry, baby, but it sounds so damn—goofy,” she said.
+
+And when she called her baby, Laura felt a small glow of warmth and
+hope. Maybe it wasn’t hopeless; maybe things could work out. She clung
+to Beebo and found herself half laughing with her, and half weeping to
+hear Jack’s name.
+
+“Where is he now? Does he know you’re here?” Beebo asked her.
+
+“He knows,” Laura said, for there could be no doubt that he did.
+
+“Did he send you? Married life got him down?”
+
+“No, I ran away. I—I hurt him. It meant so much to him to have a wife
+and all....” She couldn’t say any more about it; it broke her up to
+think of it.
+
+Beebo sobered a little. “You have a talent for that, Laura—hurting
+people. Sometimes I think that’s your only real ability.”
+
+“I know,” Laura murmured, shame-faced. “And the trouble is, I never want
+to. I never mean to. I’d give anything to undo it, once it’s done. But I
+begin to feel like I’m smothering. Like I’d die of it if I can’t get
+away.”
+
+“Is that the way _I_ made you feel?” Beebo said.
+
+Laura hung her head. “Yes,” she whispered. “I won’t lie about it.”
+
+“You can’t very well. I read the damn diary—every word of it.”
+
+Laura flushed at the thought of the thing. “Beebo, I—I didn’t understand
+before how you felt. Or how I felt myself. But I know now I love you.”
+She said it quivering with hope.
+
+But Beebo only answered, “Do you, Laura? How do you know?” There was a
+little smile on Beebo’s face. She asked the question gently as if she
+were talking to a bewildered child, brushing Laura’s hair from her
+forehead.
+
+“Because I want so terribly to be with you,” Laura said, shaking her
+head to emphasize her words. “I can’t bear it like this, being apart
+from you.”
+
+“I’ve changed so much,” Beebo said, wondering at it, “and you haven’t
+changed at all. Have you? I think you’re just tired of being a wife,
+honey.”
+
+“No. I love Jack. But it’s different. I don’t _need_ him like I need
+you.”
+
+“How about Jack? Doesn’t he need you?”
+
+Laura covered her face again with her hands to stifle the sudden sobs.
+“A lot, I’m afraid. I’d be better off dead, Beebo, I swear I would. I’ve
+caused so much heart ache. And most of all to myself. I’m no good to
+anybody. I wish to God you’d get that big knife and do to me what you
+did to Nix. I wish you’d beat me the way you beat yourself—”
+
+“Laura! God, spare me!” And for a second the latent fire in her flared
+and gave Laura a curious thrill.
+
+“I thought you would,” Laura cried. “I was prepared for anything, even
+that, when I came here. I still can’t believe you—I mean, you seem so
+funny. I thought you’d hurt me, and you’re so calm, so quiet—”
+
+Beebo shook her head, looking at Laura with her disillusioned eyes. “I
+won’t hurt you, baby,” she said.
+
+“You said once you’d kill me,” Laura said wildly, as if she were asking
+for it, as if it would be proof of Beebo’s huge need for her.
+
+“I know. I meant it then, too. I was nearly crazy. But things have
+changed, Laura. I don’t throw my threats around so easily any more.
+There was a time when I could have done it, but no more. No more. Stop
+crying, baby. Stop, honey.” She began to stroke Laura’s long hair.
+
+Laura looked up at her through pink eyes, her chest heaving in Beebo’s
+warm embrace, and they gazed at each other for some time before Beebo
+told her, kindly, trying to ease it for her, “I said I loved you, Laura.
+But it’s not the same for me, now. I don’t love you the way I used to. I
+couldn’t and go on living. You were my whole life for two years. I
+thought I couldn’t exist without you. I thought it would be better to
+kill you and die with you than go on without you. So what did I do?” She
+smiled in contempt for herself. And pity. A bitter smile. “I chickened
+out. I slaughtered a poor innocent pup instead. In the fury I should
+have saved for you. And what did it prove? Nothing. How did it help? It
+didn’t. It was a wasted gesture, Laura. A stupid, senseless thing.
+
+“But you see, I was out of my mind in love with you at the time. Now all
+the madness has gone out of me, Laura. There’s not much fire left.” And
+she bent suddenly to touch Laura’s brow with her lips. Laura felt the
+sweet touch flow through her to her toes and she nestled close against
+Beebo, weeping at her words. “It’s not wild and wonderful and tormenting
+any more.”
+
+“How did it happen?” Laura begged her, cruelly disappointed. “Maybe
+it’ll change.” She felt almost betrayed, as if she were in the arms of a
+stranger.
+
+“No. I wouldn’t want it to change, now. It happened because if it hadn’t
+I would have died, Laura. I was so sick, so lost without you, that I
+would have gone to pieces. I’d have used the damn cleaver on myself.”
+
+“Oh!” Laura breathed, horrified.
+
+“I changed to save my life ... and my sanity. It took all my strength,
+but I did it. And strangely enough, it was a relief. I felt as if I’d
+laid down a killing burden.” She looked down at Laura, pulling her so
+tight that they could feel one another’s hearts beating, and Laura, her
+eyes shut, was saying to herself, “No, no, no....”
+
+“I love you still, baby,” Beebo told her. “I know I should be proud and
+angry with you. I should kick you out or beat you up or both. But if I
+did it wouldn’t mean anything. It would only hurt, like I hurt Nix, for
+no purpose. I know Lili and the rest of them will bitch at me for taking
+you back—”
+
+“Oh, will you, Beebo? Darling, darling, will you?”
+
+“If you want it that way....” She stopped, looking into Laura’s
+tear-bright eyes.
+
+“I want it that way,” Laura gasped.
+
+But at the same time she had to realize that this was not her Beebo any
+more; that things had changed irreparably and forever between them; that
+the love they had left now was only good and tender, not the exalted,
+shivering passions of the past. It had to be so, because Beebo could
+never have forgiven her, let alone taken her back, otherwise. _And it’s
+my fault—all my fault. It’s the price I have to pay to get her back_,
+Laura told herself.
+
+“If you had been like this last summer ... so calm, so casual,” she
+whispered humbly, “I would have stayed.”
+
+“And now that I’ve calmed down, you want me wild again, don’t you?”
+Beebo laughed a little, a sad, wise laugh. “Crazy, isn’t it? Ironic and
+crazy. And there’s not a goddamn thing we can do about it, Bo-peep.
+Either of us ... baby....” She lifted Laura’s face and kissed it.
+
+“I won’t tell you how I missed you. I won’t tell you what I went
+through. I wouldn’t even know how. It took a lot out of me. Too much.
+But you’re welcome to what’s left. If you want it.”
+
+“I want it,” Laura said passionately. “I want _you_, Beebo.” She hung
+her head. “Unless ... unless you still want Tris?”
+
+“I never did. I never wanted anybody else. I’ve been trying to give Tris
+back to Milo since she walked in on me the first time,” Beebo said.
+“She’ll give up on me when she finds out you’re home. She won’t want to
+make it a threesome.”
+
+“Home,” Laura repeated. “Oh, Beebo....”
+
+And suddenly her arms were locked around Beebo’s neck and they were lost
+in kisses and thrilling, half-forgotten caresses and the warm satin
+touch of each other’s bodies. The pajama top Laura had pulled on so
+frantically slipped off with no trouble, and she stretched out on the
+white spread beneath the girl she had loved so much, in spite of so
+much, and surrendered with a groan of delight tempered with sorrow. And
+perhaps the beginning of understanding at last.
+
+                   *       *       *       *       *
+
+It was only a matter of hours the next day before Laura knew that the
+feeling of strangeness she felt would not wear off. It was another two
+days before she could bring herself to give up hope that Beebo might
+change, that being together again would reawaken their crazy, beautiful,
+love affair.
+
+But it was two whole weeks, two very long weeks full of wondering and
+self-pity and struggle and doubt, before Laura could tell herself that
+she had made a mistake.
+
+Beebo was drained of feeling. She was tired, tired of love and even
+tired of life. Perhaps time and innate toughness would revive her, but
+she had nothing to give Laura now. Laura realized with chagrin how
+little she had to give Beebo. She had never given much, always taking,
+taking, taking, from the older girl, who seemed to have so much to
+offer. It had been too easy to help herself to that wealth of love and
+she understood now, painfully, that she had come back to Beebo to be
+worshipped again.
+
+She had turned tail and run at the moment when her problems with Jack
+seemed too much for her, and she had run to the one person who had
+adored her spectacularly in the past. She needed her ego bolstered, she
+needed flattery and passion and reassurance from a woman. So it had come
+to her as an eye-opening blow to find her tempestuous lover subdued,
+transformed, almost a different person.
+
+_It never was right_, Laura thought, watching Beebo over the dinner
+table. _She had to give beyond her strength and I took it all with no
+return. At least she was generous with herself. I was the selfish one. I
+always have been the selfish one. I thought the world was giving me a
+bum deal, but I was too selfish to see the good side. Even with Jack....
+Oh my God, Jack. My poor darling. With him most of all._
+
+“What are you thinking about?” Beebo asked her, seeing her absorption.
+
+“I—I have to go back, Beebo,” Laura said and her own words startled her.
+“I have to see Jack once more.” Once expressed, these feelings so long
+in the making made her feel like crying. She looked apprehensively at
+Beebo, expecting her sarcasm.
+
+But Beebo only said, “I thought you would. Well, go on, baby. Go tell
+him you’re sorry, it was all a nasty misunderstanding.” She spoke
+mildly.
+
+“Don’t make it sound cheap, Beebo,” Laura pleaded.
+
+“It won’t be anything _but_ cheap unless you go back to stay,” Beebo
+told her. “Otherwise there’s no point in going back at all.”
+
+“But—but I’m going to live with you now,” Laura faltered. “I just have
+to see him once more. Explain to him—”
+
+“You’re his wife. Either go home to him and grow up or don’t go back.
+What do you think you’d accomplish with a quickie visit, Bo-peep? Just
+pep him up a little? Make it all bearable? You’d be lucky if he didn’t
+run you out with a rifle. If you haven’t learned anything else in all
+this time, you _must_ have learned that you can’t play around with love
+as if it were a bargain basement special. Real love isn’t a production
+line thing, it isn’t waiting for you in any old shop window. Haven’t you
+learned that yet, baby?”
+
+Laura nodded, putting her head back against the chair and letting the
+soothing tears flow quietly. “I’ve learned it. But it’s so hard to live
+by what you learn. I needed you so much when I came back two weeks ago.
+But I needed you the way you used to be.” It was a difficult admission,
+but Beebo understood it.
+
+“Sure,” she said gently. “Now you’ve seen me. Now you know what I
+couldn’t find the words to tell you. It’s over, Laura. I’ll always be
+here, I guess we’ll always need each other a little. Maybe we’ll see
+each other now and then. But there’s no point in our living together.”
+
+Shame colored Laura’s cheeks pink and she said warmly, “I’m not a child,
+Beebo, and I didn’t come back here just to run off and leave you again.
+I gave up too much to come back.”
+
+“Yes, baby, I think you did. You gave up too much. It wasn’t worth the
+price, and you see that now. Admit it. Don’t be a stubborn idiot.”
+
+Laura was appalled at the apathy in her voice. “What would you do if I
+insisted on staying with you?” she asked.
+
+Beebo shrugged. “I’d let you stay, of course. I haven’t the ambition to
+kick you out. Besides, I love you still, in my way. I meant it when I
+said it.”
+
+Laura stood up, unable to look at her any more. “I’m going back to the
+apartment, and I’m going to talk to Jack,” she said. “I’ll be back in a
+couple of hours.”
+
+“I doubt it.” Beebo did not even leave her chair. She lighted a
+cigarette slowly, watching Laura’s back.
+
+Finally Laura turned around and faced her. “Please, Beebo, don’t talk to
+me as if nothing in the world mattered any more. I can’t stand it, I
+can’t stand to think I did it to you.”
+
+“Jack still matters, baby. Don’t do it to him, too.”
+
+Laura went and got her coat and purse from the bedroom, and then she
+looked into the kitchen. Beebo sat with her back to the door, still
+smoking thoughtfully. “I’m leaving,” Laura told her. “I should be back
+around nine.”
+
+“Sure, sweetheart. Tell old Jack I said hello.”
+
+“I will.” Laura looked at her dark curly head, not sure if the frosting
+on her curls came from the kitchen light above or from the first gray
+hairs. She walked over to Beebo and kissed her cheek, leaning over her
+chair from behind. Beebo smiled though she did not turn her head.
+
+And then Laura walked out, knowing somehow, deep within herself, that it
+was for the last time.
+
+
+
+
+                                   11
+
+
+Laura approached the apartment building with her legs trembling. It was
+all she could do to keep from turning around and running. It was hard to
+imagine what she might find. She left Jack a desperate man, and her
+absence for two weeks would not have made things any easier for him.
+
+She stopped at the front door to marshal her strength, and the chain
+link fence at the end of the street caught her eye. She marvelled that
+she had been able to climb it the night she ran away. It looked almost
+insurmountable now with the long shadows creeping along the ground
+beneath it. She touched one of the cuts on her arm, still healing, and
+wondered where her shabby guide with his friendly dime was now. All
+unaware, he had taught her a valuable lesson about herself and turned a
+spotlight on the lies until even Laura had been forced to see them and
+confess the truth. She loved Jack too much to hurt him, and she had come
+back now to heal him if she could.
+
+That thought gave her the most strength as she pushed open the
+lacquer-red front door with its brass knocker. _If he didn’t need me so
+desperately, I couldn’t do this_, she told herself. _And if I didn’t
+love him so much, I couldn’t do it, either._ She pushed the button for
+the elevator and felt a thrill of shame and fear that almost made her
+sick. And then, out of habit, she glanced at her mailbox. It was so full
+that it could not be locked and the door hung open. Laura went to it and
+pulled the bundle of mail out with a sudden premonition.
+
+The box had not been emptied for days, perhaps weeks; perhaps not since
+the night she ran away.
+
+_Is Jack—is he gone, then?_ she wondered. For a second her weakness and
+humiliation overwhelmed her and she hoped he was. She hoped she would
+never have to face him. For she dreaded what she had done to this man
+who loved her, in his own odd way, more than he loved, or ever had
+loved, anyone else on earth.
+
+And then, suddenly, she whispered aloud, “No! Oh, no! He’s _got_ to be
+here!”
+
+She took the elevator to the third floor in a frenzy of impatience and
+crossed the carpeted hall to her apartment door swiftly. Like the
+mailbox, the door was unlocked, and that gave her hope. He wouldn’t go
+out and leave it open for any stranger to wander into. It wasn’t like
+him.
+
+Silent and tremulous, Laura entered the living room. “Jack?” she said
+softly, knowing already there would be no answer. “Jack? Be here.
+Darling, please be here,” she murmured. Slowly and fearfully she entered
+each room, saying his name as she did so, and silently, each room
+revealed nothing but his absence. Never had a home seemed so empty.
+Never had her own voice awed and saddened her so.
+
+She had been through all the rooms a couple of times, halfheartedly
+picking up a thing or two and looking with frightened eyes into the dark
+corners, before she spotted the note. It was rolled into the top of a
+whisky bottle, one of several sitting on the kitchen table. She picked
+it up with trembling fingers and read:
+
+   “_Laura darling._ I’m with Terry. I guess you’ve gone back to Beebo.
+   Maybe that’s fate, but I still think we could have made a go of it.
+   You’re my wife, Laura—that’s the difference between life and death
+   to me, even now. If you ever read these words, remember, I love you,
+   Mrs. Mann. And remember it too if you ever want to come home. Jack.”
+
+Laura wept silently, her throat and chest painfully tight with it,
+crushing the letter against her neck.
+
+She walked dazedly into the living room, still holding the letter, and
+stared around through her tears. She thought of Beebo and the warm,
+slightly worn rooms she lived in and the worn-out love she had left. And
+she thought of Jack. There had been none of his usual piercing sarcasm
+in the note. Nothing but gentleness, nothing but love.
+
+After a long moment Laura pulled herself together. She sank down on the
+sofa by the table and picked up the mail. She felt weak, and she
+shuffled listlessly through the pile of bills and ads and notes and
+papers. Near the end she almost passed up one with Dr. Belden’s name in
+the return address spot. His name registered suddenly in her mind, and
+she tore his letter open with hands newly sprung to life.
+
+She read only the first half of the first sentence:
+
+   “Dear Mrs. Mann. I am delighted to inform you that next November, if
+   all goes well, you and Mr. Mann will be parents, and....”
+
+She fainted.
+
+                   *       *       *       *       *
+
+When Laura awoke she was lying on the couch with her head back and her
+mouth open and uncomfortably dry. Carefully she lifted her head on a
+stiff neck, turning it gingerly, and sat up straight. On the floor at
+her feet was the doctor’s letter. She picked it up and found her hands
+shaking so that she had to grab at it three times before she caught it
+between her fingers.
+
+For some moments she sat there, her cornflower eyes enormous with shock.
+Finally she whispered, “I’m going to have a child. _Me._” A first
+hysterical thought of abortion flew through her mind, but she dismissed
+it almost before it formed.
+
+“I’m going to be a woman. I have eight months to get ready and I’ve got
+to _be_ ready when it comes. I’ve got to love it and take care of it.”
+
+Cautiously she stood up, and unsteadily walked toward the bedroom, one
+hand warm across her stomach. “Now that I know, it’s not so bad,” she
+said, speaking aloud as if to reassure herself. “I don’t resent it so
+much any more. Strange ... I’m not afraid of it. I don’t know why,
+exactly. Yes, I guess I do.... It’s Jack’s. It’s a part of him. It’s a
+way to make it up to him for what I’ve done.”
+
+She reached her bed and raised her eyes to the windows, and the darkness
+and sparkle of the city outside. It looked very beautiful. Jack was out
+there somewhere. He had to be; he couldn’t have gone away, not this
+soon. His note sounded too much as if he were going to look for her, as
+if he knew he and Terry couldn’t last, and he would have to search her
+out and make her try again.
+
+Laura swept some pajamas and shoes off her bed and sat down with a
+curious feeling of elation and exhaustion. She stretched out, still
+fully dressed, and gazed at the ceiling.
+
+_I’ll find him_, she thought. _Terry was staying at the Bell Towers. I
+heard him say so. Somebody’ll know where they are._ She felt very tired
+and she was surprised to find that she was crying again. There seemed to
+be no reason for it, except that she was having a baby. And it belonged
+to Jack too, and that made her smile through the tears.
+
+A little later, when she dimly realized she was falling asleep, she
+thought of Beebo, and the thought twisted in her heart like a pain and
+almost brought her awake again. But it was over for Beebo now. Her life
+lay in another direction. Laura had to save Jack, and somehow, in the
+saving of him, would come her own life and strength. She knew it now,
+and it gave her the first peace she had known in all the years since she
+had first realized that she was a Lesbian.
+
+Only the lightest rustle of air awakened her. She opened her eyes. It
+was still deep night; the room was dark except for the small bedlamp she
+had switched on when she lay down. And yet she was wide awake, and she
+knew he was there.
+
+Laura turned and saw him standing in the doorway to the bedroom,
+disheveled, his hands in his pockets, his round horn rims sliding down
+his nose. She came up suddenly on her elbow, so fast that her head swam
+a little.
+
+They looked at each other in silence for a minute; first startled, then
+embarrassed.
+
+“Jack?” Laura said timidly, the way she had whispered it to the empty
+rooms earlier in the evening. And again her own voice awed her into
+silence.
+
+He straightened and walked slowly toward her bed. At the foot, he
+stopped, his hands still in his pockets, his tie loosened, his shirt a
+little gray. His face was serious and tense, as if he were quite ready
+to believe she was a mirage.
+
+At last he spoke to her softly. “I’ve been coming back every night. I
+was hoping ... I thought you might....” He stopped, shutting his eyes
+for a minute as if to search for composure.
+
+Laura sprang up to her knees on the bed and put her arms around him.
+“I’m here,” she cried. “I’m home, I love you, I won’t leave again,
+Jack.”
+
+But he loosened her arms gently. “I don’t believe you,” he said. “I’m
+afraid to.”
+
+“Believe me,” she exclaimed passionately. “Jack darling, please believe
+me.”
+
+“We were going to leave for San Francisco Thursday,” he said, still
+slightly incredulous. “Terry and I. I promised him, if you didn’t come
+back.”
+
+“When did he ever keep a promise to _you_?”
+
+“I love him, Laura,” he reminded her.
+
+That stopped her for a minute. She bowed her head and cast about
+desperately for something to say, something to convince him forevermore,
+as she herself was now convinced, that it was their only hope to make
+this marriage work.
+
+“Jack, I’d have gone anywhere in the world to find you,” she said,
+unable to look at him while she talked for fear the sight of his face
+would make her cry again. “I’ve had to hurt so many people—too many—to
+learn my lessons. And I was hurt as badly as the others. I’ve made
+mistakes, ugly ones, and I’ve been selfish and silly. But I’ve been
+trying, I have, Jack! And I’ve been learning. I—I—love you.” She looked
+up at him now and for the very first time, in all their long
+acquaintance, she felt a pleasant flush in her cheeks at the sight of
+him. Him ... a man. She felt flustered suddenly, unable to go on
+speaking.
+
+Jack saw it too after a moment, disbelieving it at first and then
+accepting it slowly, with wonderment. “Laura,” he said. “Do you still
+believe we’re just a couple of scared kids? Do you still believe we’re
+running away from the world by marrying each other? Do you think we’re
+going to spend our whole lives running after a love that doesn’t exist?”
+
+“No,” she whispered.
+
+“You’re still my wife,” he said softly, and put his arms around her now,
+at last, and made her tingle with awkward new feelings and unbearable
+tenderness. “Do you want to live with me again? As my wife?”
+
+“Yes, Jack.” It wasn’t the passionate unreasoning yes she had flung at
+Beebo in desperation two weeks ago. It was quiet and intensely felt. It
+was a recognized necessity, but a beautiful one.
+
+“For how long?” he asked skeptically.
+
+“I’m your wife,” she repeated gently to him. “I’ll stay with you now.”
+There was a new sound, a new tone in her voice that caught in his heart.
+As for Laura she was once more bewildered by an unexpected tide of
+emotion that made it impossible for her to look at him. “Say yes, Jack,”
+she whispered. “Say it’s all right. Please, before I start crying
+again.”
+
+He took her head in his hands and kissed her forehead and said, “It’s
+all right. It’s all right honey,” and suddenly they clung hard to each
+other and Laura began to sob with relief and joy. She could hardly
+articulate, trying to spill her lovely secret to him. “Jack, Jack, it
+worked. We’re going to have a baby! Darling, we’re going to have a
+baby!”
+
+She felt his arms tighten till she lost her breath and when she looked
+up at him this time, with her face blotched and her eyes red and her
+lips curved into a smile, he found himself crying happily with her.
+
+When he could talk, he murmured into her neck, “I saw the letter in the
+box. It came two days after you left. The damn thing terrified me. I
+swear, Laura, I couldn’t open it, I couldn’t even touch it. I wouldn’t
+even _look_ at the damn mailbox. I was hoping so much it would be
+true—and so damn afraid if it was you wouldn’t come back. That I’d lost
+you and you might have to have it alone and you wouldn’t want it or love
+it—”
+
+“Oh, stop,” she begged. “Jack, darling, stop.”
+
+And they fell back on the bed together, crying and laughing and touching
+each other’s faces.
+
+“My God!” Jack exclaimed suddenly, aware of his weight on her. “Did I
+hurt you? You ought to take it easy, honey.” But she chuckled at him.
+
+“If you knew what this poor baby has been through already you wouldn’t
+have a single qualm about it,” she said, smiling.
+
+He stroked her face with such an expression of love that she had to shut
+her eyes again. “I love you, Jack. I keep telling you that. I don’t know
+why, it just seems like I have to. Like I really believe it myself now,
+for the first time. I love you.”
+
+And he kissed her mouth then. It had never happened before but it was
+right and wonderful.
+
+They lay in each other’s arms and talked and made plans. They talked
+about Beebo and Terry, about themselves, about their baby, about life
+and how good it was when you were brave enough to face it.
+
+Laura was afraid of Terry still. “Where is he?” she asked.
+
+“God only knows,” Jack shrugged. “I left him in his room at the Towers.
+I’ve been doing this every night since you left. No drinking, no
+cruising, until I’ve checked the apartment to make sure you haven’t come
+back. I just told him, ‘If I don’t make it back some night you’ll know
+she came home. Don’t wait for me.’ I don’t suppose he waited very long,
+either. He’s not the type.” He looked down at her, his face serious
+again and frowning. “What about Beebo?” he said.
+
+“It’s over. She knew it long ago. I finally realized it, too.” She
+raised her eyes to his. “I’m not in love with her now. Maybe I never
+was. But I respect her and admire her. She’s amazing. And much stronger
+than I ever gave her credit for. I wish to God I could change some
+things—”
+
+“Don’t play that game, darling,” he said quickly. “That’s the surest way
+to break your heart and lose your mind. Save yourself for now. And for
+later. Save yourself for me and the baby.” He leaned down and kissed her
+again and, silent and amazed at herself, she returned his kiss with
+warmth.
+
+“Besides,” he added, whispering into her ear, “Somebody’s got to clean
+up the apartment.”
+
+“I’ll take the living room. You can have the kitchen,” she offered.
+
+“Thanks.” He grinned and pulled her close in his arms, and she didn’t
+resist him; just nestled against his warm body and relaxed in the circle
+of his strength, a real strength, a man’s strength. It felt very good to
+her.
+
+“After all, we aren’t expecting any visitors today, are we?” he said
+sleepily into her long light hair.
+
+“Not a soul,” she murmured. She wondered, in that violet twilight before
+sleep, how long it would take her to get used to this closeness with
+him. She was so comfortable ... more comfortable, it seemed, and more
+safe than she had ever been.
+
+And they fell asleep together with the sigh of relief and hope that only
+the lost, who have found themselves, can feel.
+
+
+
+
+                          Transcriber’s Notes
+
+
+This text was transcribed from the unchanged reprint edition in the
+collection _HOMOSEXUALITY. Lesbians and Gay Men in Society, History and
+Literature_, Arno Press: New York, 1975. Materials from a later date
+than the original publication year 1959, such as series title, editorial
+information, or publisher advertisements, have been omitted.
+
+The original spelling was mostly preserved. A few obvious typographical
+and punctuation errors as well as variations in hyphenation were
+silently amended. All other changes are shown here (before/after):
+
+   [p. 15]:
+   ... have feeling?” ...
+   ... have feelings?” ...
+
+   [p. 53]:
+   ... knew it meant she had spend the day at Julian’s or the
+       Cellar ...
+   ... knew it meant she had spent the day at Julian’s or the
+       Cellar ...
+
+   [p. 71]:
+   ... the worst had been. Beebo was using it an as excuse to sit ...
+   ... the worst had been. Beebo was using it as an excuse to sit ...
+
+   [p. 85]:
+   ... fact that he was male and strong and full off affection for
+       her. ...
+   ... fact that he was male and strong and full of affection for
+       her. ...
+
+   [p. 93]:
+   ... play it that way, too. “Can I use your phone,” she asked. ...
+   ... play it that way, too. “Can I use your phone?” she asked. ...
+
+   [p. 95]:
+   ... Laura started at her, dumbfounded, for some seconds, before ...
+   ... Laura stared at her, dumbfounded, for some seconds, before ...
+
+   [p. 96]:
+   ... He slipped his coat off without a word, dropped in on the ...
+   ... He slipped his coat off without a word, dropped it on the ...
+
+   [p. 97]:
+   ... didn’t give a damn if they were married to not. She had
+       them ...
+   ... didn’t give a damn if they were married or not. She had
+       them ...
+
+   [p. 98]:
+   ... say. I was cold as hell with him. I tried to keep quiet about
+       it, ...
+   ... say. I was cold as hell with them. I tried to keep quiet
+       about it, ...
+
+   [p. 113]:
+   ... good mother to it.” ...
+   ... good mother to it?” ...
+
+   [p. 142]:
+   ... “Do you knew where he is?” ...
+   ... “Do you know where he is?” ...
+
+   [p. 159]:
+   ... “Did she ... every really love me, Milo?” Laura asked it ...
+   ... “Did she ... ever really love me, Milo?” Laura asked it ...
+
+
+*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 77570 ***
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+<head>
+<meta charset="UTF-8">
+<meta name="viewport" content="width=device-width, initial-scale=1">
+<title>Women in the Shadows | Project Gutenberg</title>
+   <link rel="coverpage" href="images/cover.jpg"  type="image/x-cover">
+   <!-- TITLE="Women in the Shadows" -->
+   <!-- AUTHOR="Ann Bannon" -->
+   <!-- LANGUAGE="en" -->
+   <!-- PUBLISHER="Fawcett Publications" -->
+   <!-- DATE="1959" -->
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+<body>
+<div style='text-align:center'>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 77570 ***</div>
+
+<div class="frontmatter chapter">
+<h1 class="title">
+WOMEN<br>
+IN THE<br>
+SHADOWS
+</h1>
+
+<p class="aut">
+BY ANN BANNON
+</p>
+
+<p class="subt">
+An Original Gold Medal Novel
+</p>
+
+<p class="pub">
+GOLD MEDAL BOOKS<br>
+FAWCETT PUBLICATIONS, INC., GREENWICH, CONN.<br>
+MEMBER OF AMERICAN BOOK PUBLISHERS COUNCIL, INC.
+</p>
+
+</div>
+
+<div class="frontmatter impressum chapter">
+<p>
+Copyright © 1959 by Fawcett Publications, Inc.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+All rights reserved, including the right to
+reproduce this book or portions thereof.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+All characters in this book are fictional
+and any resemblance to persons living or
+dead is purely coincidental.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Printed in the United States of America
+</p>
+
+</div>
+
+<div class="chapter">
+
+<h2 class="chapter" id="chapter-0-1">
+<a id="page-5" class="pagenum" title="5"></a>
+1
+</h2>
+
+</div>
+
+<p class="first">
+<em>June 8: God help me. God help me to stand it. Today was
+our second anniversary. If I have to go on living with her I’ll
+go crazy. But if I leave her—? I’m afraid to think what will
+happen. Sometimes she’s not rational. But what can I do?
+Where can I turn?</em>
+</p>
+
+<p>
+<em>That damn party was awful. Anniversaries are supposed to
+be happy affairs, but this one was more like a wake. Everybody
+got drunk and sang songs, but there was always that corpse
+there in the middle of the room ... the corpse of that romance.
+Jack got terribly drunk, as usual. There’s another one.
+If he doesn’t crack up it won’t be because he hasn’t tried.
+What’s wrong with us all, anyway? What’s the use of living
+when things are like this all the time?</em>
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura shut her diary with a sudden furtive gesture, her pen
+still poised, and strained her ears at a sound. She thought she
+heard the front door open. It would be Beebo coming back.
+But it was only the dachshund, Nix, scratching himself on a
+stool in the kitchen. Laura sighed in relief and turned back to
+the diary. She ordinarily kept it locked in a little steel strongbox
+on the closet floor, and she wrote in it only when she was
+alone, in the evenings before Beebo got home from work.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Beebo had never read it—or seen it, in fact. It was Laura’s
+own, Laura’s aches and pains verbalized, Laura’s heart dissected
+and wept over, in washable blue ink. If Beebo ever saw
+it she would tear it up in a frenzy. She would make Laura
+swallow it, because it did not say very nice things about Beebo.
+And Beebo always did things in a big way, the good along
+with the bad.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+<a id="page-6" class="pagenum" title="6"></a>
+Laura opened the notebook once more and wrote a last brief
+entry: <em>Jack asked me to marry him again ... but I could
+never marry a man, not even him. Never.</em>
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Then she closed it quickly and took it back to the closet and
+locked it in the strongbox. She sat down from sheer inertia on
+the closet floor and picked up a shoe. It was one of her pumps,
+rather long and narrow—too large to be really fashionable.
+But it had the proper shape and the newest styled heel. Beebo
+liked to see her smartly dressed. She cared more about that
+than Laura did herself. Laura had worn these shoes to the unfortunate
+anniversary party two nights before.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Beebo was still hung-over from that long night of dreary
+festivity. Jack was always hung-over, so he didn’t count. As
+for Laura, she had learned from Beebo to drink too much herself,
+and she was learning at the same time how it feels the
+next day. <em>Bad.</em> Plain bad.
+</p>
+
+<p class="tb">
+* * *
+</p>
+
+<p class="noindent">
+It had been a strange night, with moments of wild hilarity
+and stretches of gloom when everybody drank as if they made
+their living at it. Laura remembered Jack arriving ahead of
+everybody else with a couple of bottles under his arm.
+“Thought I’d better bring my own,” he explained.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Jack, you’re not going to drink two fifths all by yourself!”
+Laura had exclaimed. She always took things at face value at
+first, a little too seriously.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I’m going to try, Mother,” he said, laughing, his eyes behind
+horn-rimmed glasses sparkling cynically at her.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Beebo had been in a sweat of preparation all day, and the
+apartment ended up looking almost new. A fever seemed to
+have gotten hold of her. This had to be a big party, a good
+party, a loud, drunk, and very gay party. Because this party
+was going to prove that Beebo and Laura had lived together
+for two whole years, and in Greenwich Village that is a pretty
+good record.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Friends were invited, to admire and congratulate. Oh, to
+get drunk and live it up a little too, on Beebo and Laura. But
+mostly to stand witness to the fact that the girls had been
+together two whole years. Or rather, Beebo had hung on to
+Laura for two whole years.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Maybe that’s a hard way to say it. Maybe it isn’t fair. After
+all, Laura stuck with Beebo, too. But Laura stuck because she
+didn’t have the courage to let go; because her life was empty
+<a id="page-7" class="pagenum" title="7"></a>
+and without a purpose, and living with somebody and loving—or
+pretending to love—seemed to bring some sanity into
+her world. But for a long time she had begun to squirm and
+struggle under Beebo’s jealous scrutiny.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura let Beebo make most of the arrangements for the
+party. She felt almost no enthusiasm for it. The whole thing
+had been Beebo’s idea in the first place. Laura felt almost as
+outside of it as a late-arriving guest. She ran a few errands,
+but it was Beebo who planned and organized, who put up
+streamers and cleaned the apartment, who called everybody,
+picked up the liquor and the ice cubes, and even made hors
+d’oeuvres.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+She treated Laura with unwonted gentleness and attention
+all day. She wanted her in a good mood for the party. They
+had quarreled so much and so bitterly lately that they were
+both a little sick over it. Beebo wanted to have a good day
+behind them, a day full of good will and even tenderness.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+There wasn’t much time to foster tenderness, though, with
+the vacuum going, the kitchen upside down with food in
+various stages of readiness, the dog barking, and the phone
+ringing in an endless hysterical serenade. But still, Beebo tried.
+She touched Laura’s hair softly when she passed her or
+brushed her hands over Laura’s face. And once she stopped
+to kiss her, so carefully that Laura was touched in spite of
+herself and submitted, though without returning the kiss.
+Beebo went away flushed with success. Laura had not suffered
+herself to be kissed for nearly a week.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+So when the guests finally started arriving, Beebo greeted
+them with high color in her cheeks and almost too much heartiness.
+Everything had started out so well, it had to end well.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+It was a weird group that assembled to fete the anniversary.
+Beebo had wanted a big party. “Jesus, honey,” she complained.
+“How many people down here stick it out this long? We have
+something to be proud of, for God’s sake. Let’s advertise it.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“What have we got to be proud of?” Laura said sarcastically.
+“We’re just a couple of suckers for punishment. We
+just happen to enjoy beating each other’s heads in.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Beebo had risen to the occasion with her quick and awful
+temper and left Laura crying. And she had had her way. They
+invited just about everybody in the neighborhood: the ones
+they knew, the ones they knew by sight only, and the ones they
+didn’t know at all, male and female. Beebo did all the calling,
+<a id="page-8" class="pagenum" title="8"></a>
+so it came as a shock to Laura to see two of Beebo’s old flames
+among the guests. But she said nothing about it. There would
+be time to shout about it afterwards. And shout they no doubt
+would.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Jack came early because he liked the chance to talk to Laura
+by himself now and then. He liked to be with her lately since
+his own life had taken a sickening dip into loneliness and
+frustration. They were old friends; sometimes they thought
+of one another as each other’s <em>only</em> friend. They were very
+close. It could never be a question of physical love between
+them; only deep affection, a mutual problem, a sort of harmony
+that sprang from sympathy and long acquaintance.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+They were both homosexual. And if Laura could never
+understand why a man would desire another man, she at least
+knew, very well, how it was to love another woman. And so
+she could build a bridge of empathy on that knowledge and
+comfort Jack when some lovely boy was giving him hell. And
+he could do the same when Beebo raked her over the coals.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+The party went along well enough for the first hour or so.
+Every time Beebo came near Laura she pinched her or bussed
+her. It was a part of her advertising campaign—a way to say,
+“She’s still mine. And it’s been two years. Hands off, the rest
+of you!” And she would look around at the guests a little
+defiantly.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+But for Laura it was tedious. It scared her and bored her all
+at once. The fierce passion for Beebo that had boiled when
+they first knew each other flared up rarely now. And when
+there was no love there was nothing but fighting between
+them. She hated to be put on exhibit like this. And yet she
+kept her peace and let Beebo kiss her when she felt like it.
+After all, it was a party. Have a good time. If you can. Forget.
+If you can. Everybody drink up and laugh. Laugh, damn you
+all! If you can.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+It was when Lili (she <em>would</em> spell it that way; she was born
+plain Louise) was well plastered that the party took a downward
+curve from which it never recovered. Lili was a former
+amour of Beebo’s; Lili of the ash blonde hair and carefully
+blackened lashes; Lili of the lush, silk-draped body; Lili with
+the lack of inhibitions. Laura hated her with a good healthy
+female jealousy. It had been intolerable at first when she was
+still in love with Beebo and Lili had tried to manage their
+lives for them. Now it was just an exasperation to Laura to
+<a id="page-9" class="pagenum" title="9"></a>
+have her around.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Lili got high in a hurry. She believed in getting things done
+efficiently, and getting drunk was one of the things. She began
+to saunter from group to group around the small apartment,
+flirting, feeding sips from her martini to interested parties,
+telling tales. She came upon Beebo in the kitchen, getting more
+sandwiches from the refrigerator. The kitchen was crowded
+with people waving empty glasses and looking for refills. Jack
+was pouring them as fast as he could and sampling them all.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Important to get it just right,” he said. “Takes a good concentration
+of alcohol or you don’t get fried till three in the
+morning. Terrible waste of time.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Lili wriggled through the crowd to Beebo and stood in front
+of her, weaving slightly, her underlip thrust out.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I want something from you,” she pouted. Beebo offered
+her a sandwich, but she shook her head murmuring, “No, no,
+no, no, <em>no</em>!”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Jack’s handling the concession,” Beebo said a little nervously,
+jerking her head toward him.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I don’t want liquor,” Lili said. “I want you. How come
+you never come to see me anymore, Beebo? You’re enough to
+drive a girl frantic.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+It was typical cocktail party drivel and Beebo was impatient
+with her. “You know why, Lili,” she said. “Now
+scram.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+But Lili was pugnacious. “If it’s because of that bitchy little
+Laura out there, everybody knows you’re all washed up. It’s
+been obvious for weeks. You do nothing but fight. In fact, I
+was saying to Irene just five minutes ago that I can’t imagine
+why you wanted to give this party in the first place and—”
+She stopped. Beebo’s face had gone pale and dangerous.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“You say that once more and I’ll kick you out of here on
+your fat can,” Beebo snapped.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Lili drew herself up. “Okay, lie to yourself, I don’t give a
+damn,” she said. “Only it’s perfectly clear—”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Damn you, Lili, don’t you understand English?” She said
+it loud enough to make heads turn.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Lili smiled. She generally performed better with an audience.
+“I understand,” she cooed. “I understand you prefer a
+button-breasted bad-tempered little prude to a real woman.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Beebo took her roughly by the arms and pushed her out of
+the kitchen to the front door, causing a stir of curiosity in her
+<a id="page-10" class="pagenum" title="10"></a>
+wake. “Now get out of here and stay out!” she said.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“You never <em>could</em> handle me right,” Lili smiled. Suddenly
+she took hold of her dress at the neckline and pulled it—soft,
+unresisting knit—down far enough to disclose that she wore
+nothing underneath. Two creamy, full breasts were bared.
+“All right, you fool—suffer!” Lili cried dramatically and
+burst out laughing. Beebo stared and then slammed the door.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+There was some confusion among the guests. It was funny.
+And yet there was Laura, watching the whole thing. Everybody
+was uncomfortable. There was uncertain laughter. Jack,
+who took it all in from the kitchen door, said simply, “Don’t
+worry about it, it’s nothing new. She did it to Kitty Jackson
+last week.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+After that there was obvious tension between Laura and
+Beebo. Beebo didn’t kiss her anymore and Laura had nothing
+to say to Beebo. She eyed her coolly from across the room, and
+moved away if Beebo drew near. The guests absorbed the
+mood.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Jack took it with quiet cynicism, the way he took most
+things. He saw and he understood but he said very little. It
+was not his affair. No matter that he had brought Beebo and
+Laura together once, a couple of years ago. He hadn’t forced
+them to fall in love. That was their idea and he took no credit.
+And no blame.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura came suddenly into the kitchen where he was lounging
+by the liquor bottles, waiting for customers and watching
+the company through the door.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“She’s impossible!” Laura cried. “God, I can’t stand it any
+more!” She covered her face with her hands, and her usually
+ivory skin crimsoned under her own harsh fingers.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Take it easy, Mother,” he said mildly, crossing his arms
+over his chest. “She may be impossible, but she loves you.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“That doesn’t excuse the way she’s acting—”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“She loves you a hell of a lot, Laura. She wouldn’t hang on
+to you like this if she didn’t.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I don’t want to be hung on to. I hate it! Jack, help me get
+out of here.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I can’t, honey, it’s your mess. I wish to God I could. If I
+were young and female I’d lure her away from you. But I’m
+middle-aged and male. And short on allure.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura took advantage of the momentary seclusion of the
+kitchen to speak confidentially. She went to Jack and stood
+<a id="page-11" class="pagenum" title="11"></a>
+beside him, facing the sink, while he watched the door for
+intruders.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“She’s in there showing off with that damn dog again,”
+Laura said.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Nix is a nice dog.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Jack, we can’t go to bed without that animal.” She turned
+away to blow her nose. “Sure, he’s a nice dog. But he eats
+more than I do, and he isn’t housebroken when he’s excited—which
+is right now. I swear Beebo loves that dog more than
+she loves me.” Nix gave a volley of excited barks from the
+living room and they heard Beebo’s throaty laugh. “Do it
+again,” she was saying. “Come on, Nix, do it again.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“He will, too.” Laura sighed. “He’ll do anything she tells
+him to. And wet the rug like a happy idiot. Do you know
+what that rug cost me? Seventy-seven bucks. And I paid for
+it myself. Beebo didn’t even have a rug in this place before I
+moved in.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Okay,” Jack said slowly. “The dog isn’t housebroken and
+Beebo’s old mistresses are a pain in the neck. Still, she loves
+you, Mother. So much that it astonishes me. I never thought
+I’d see that girl fall for anybody. Maybe you don’t want her
+love, but you have to respect it. Real love isn’t cheap, Laura.
+When you give it up once you sometimes never find it again.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“If it has to be like this, I don’t ever <em>want</em> it again.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Jack finished his drink quickly, put it down on the kitchen
+counter, and turned Laura around to face him. He was the
+same height as she was but Laura looked up to him with her
+mind and heart.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Mother,” he said gently. “Don’t ever say that. Don’t ever
+throw love away. If it gets so you can’t stand it, move out.
+But don’t degrade it and don’t disdain it. You can’t stop her
+from loving you, Laura.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I wish I still loved her. That’s an odd way to feel but it
+would solve everything.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“You do love her, in a way. Only she exasperates you.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“No. It’s all over, Jack. The only problem is how to get out
+without hurting her too much.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“No, the problem is to realize what your own feelings are
+and then have the courage to live with them.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“What you’re trying to say is, you don’t believe me. You
+think I still love her.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Yes,” he said.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+<a id="page-12" class="pagenum" title="12"></a>
+“Why?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“It’s true.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“It’s not!” she cried, grasping his arms, and then she heard
+Beebo laugh again and looked up to see her standing in the
+other room against the far wall. She was strikingly handsome
+and for a moment Laura felt the old feeling for her, but the
+love left almost as fast as it had come.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Beebo was a big girl, big-boned and good looking, like
+a boy in early adolescence. Her black hair was short and wavy
+and her eyes were an off-blue, wide, well spaced. She had
+come to New York from a small town near Milwaukee before
+she was twenty, and she had had a sort of heartiness then, a
+rosy-cheeked health that had faded too fast in the hot-house
+atmosphere of Greenwich Village. She took odd jobs where
+she could; anything that would let her wear pants. And she
+ended up running an elevator and wearing a blue uniform
+with gold trim. She had been there for over ten years.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+The manager took her for “one of those queers, but perfectly
+harmless.” But he meant a <em>male</em> homosexual, to Beebo’s
+endless hilarity. She was fond of remarking, “I’m the world’s
+oldest adolescent. I’m a professional teen-ager.” It was funny
+enough the first time, but Laura was sick of it.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Now she stood in the living room of their small apartment
+playing with Nix, and her merriment brought color to her
+cheeks. She had begun to wear clothes that made her look
+sportier and healthier than she was: men’s jackets and slacks,
+men’s shirts. And even, to Laura’s dismay, a sort of riding
+habit, with modified jodhpurs, a slightly fitted coat, and boots.
+She had a pair of high black boots in butter-smooth leather
+with little ankle straps, boots made to fit the finely shaped feet
+that she was proud of. It made her one of the sights of the
+village.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“You look like a freak!” Laura had exploded when Beebo
+first tried them on, and succeeded in offending Beebo royally.
+But the older girl stuck stubbornly to her outfit.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I’m no man. Okay. But I’m sure as hell no woman, either.
+I don’t look good in anything. At least these things fit me,”
+she defended herself.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Your underwear fits you, too, darling,” Laura said acidly.
+“Why don’t you parade around in that if you want to cause a
+sensation?” But though she needled her, Laura couldn’t make
+her change.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+<a id="page-13" class="pagenum" title="13"></a>
+Now Beebo stood in the living room, visible to Laura
+through the kitchen door, dressed in the riding clothes. She
+did not look mannish like some Lesbians. She simply looked
+like a boy. But she was thirty-three years old, and there were
+very faint lines around her eyes and mouth.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura’s little flash of desire faded almost before it bloomed.
+And when she found that Nix had wet the floor, that Beebo
+had kissed Frankie Koehne and Jean Bettman, and that the
+police had appeared saying they had two complaints and
+the party would have to simmer down, Laura gave up.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+She stormed into the bathroom and locked the door—the
+one lockable door in the apartment. The guests took the hint
+and filed out, leaving the apartment a quiet shambles.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+When Laura came out, only Jack and Beebo were still
+there. They were sitting in the kitchen where they had collected
+most of the glasses, and were finishing up whatever
+liquor was left in them.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Beebo looked up when Laura came in. She was quite drunk
+and through the mists she saw Laura, with her long blond
+hair and pale face, as a sort of lovely vision. “Hi, sweetie,”
+she murmured. “You sure got rid of the company in a hurry.”
+She grinned.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura glanced disapprovingly at the used glasses Beebo was
+drinking from. “You’ll get trench mouth,” she predicted.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Will you make love to me when I’ve got trench mouth?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“NO!”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Beebo laughed. “You won’t anyway, so it doesn’t matter,”
+she said dryly. “Come sit on my lap.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura leaned against the kitchen counter near Jack. “No,”
+she said.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Be nice to me, baby.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Nix is nice to you. You don’t need me. Nix ruins the rug
+for you. He barks loud enough to wake the dead. He even
+sleeps with you.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+But Beebo felt too much desire for her to be jockeyed so
+fast into an argument. “Please, baby,” she said softly. “I love
+you so.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+And Jack, watching her, felt a pang of sympathy and
+regret go through him. She sounded too much as he sounded
+himself a couple of months ago. And Terry had left him
+anyway and wrecked his life. It was all so sad and wrong;
+unbearable when you’re mismated and desperately in love.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+<a id="page-14" class="pagenum" title="14"></a>
+“Go to her, Mother,” he said suddenly. “She needs you.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura was miffed at his interference. But she knew what
+was bothering him, and to soften it for him, she went. Once
+she was on Beebo’s lap, everything seemed to relax a little.
+Beebo held her, leaning back against the wall and pulling
+Laura’s head down on her shoulder, and Jack watched them
+enviously. He knew, as Laura knew, and even Beebo must
+have known in her secret heart, that the affair was doomed,
+that the party had celebrated an ending, not a new beginning.
+And yet for a moment things were serene. Beebo held Laura
+and whispered to her and stroked her hair, and Jack listened
+to it as if it were a lullaby, a lullaby he had heard somewhere
+before and had sung once himself. But it was a mournful
+lullaby and it turned into the blues—a dirge for love gone
+wrong.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Beebo nuzzled Laura and Laura lay quietly in her arms
+and endured it. She relaxed, and that made it better. She
+didn’t want Beebo to excite her; she didn’t want to give her
+that satisfaction. So she shifted suddenly and asked Jack, “Do
+you think they had a good time?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Lili did. She loves to promote her bosom,” he said.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Laura, baby.” Beebo turned Laura’s face to hers and
+tickled her cheeks with the tip of her tongue. “You taste so
+sweet,” she whispered. “I want to lick you all over like a
+new puppy.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura couldn’t stand it. The once-welcome intimacy sickened
+her now that she no longer loved Beebo. She got up
+abruptly and walked over to the stove. “Anybody want some
+coffee?” she said.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“You and your goddam coffee,” Beebo said irritably.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“You could use a little,” Laura said, “both of you.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I’d be delighted,” Jack said, speaking with deliberate care
+as he always did when he was drunk.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura made the instant coffee and passed the cups around.
+Jack doctored his with a double shot of scotch and took a
+cautious first sip. “Delicious,” he said, looking up to find a
+storm brewing. Beebo was glowering at Laura.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I said I didn’t want coffee,” she said. “Nobody around
+here understands English tonight.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“If you’re referring to Lili, I don’t like to be classed with
+your old whores,” Laura said.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Why not? You’re in good company, baby. You don’t think
+<a id="page-15" class="pagenum" title="15"></a>
+you’re any better than they are, do you?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“You should have told me you asked Lili! You should have
+<em>told</em> me, Beebo! And Frankie, too. God, don’t you think I
+have <a id="corr-2"></a>feelings?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Good.” Beebo grinned. “I didn’t think you could get
+jealous any more.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Oh, grow up, Beebo!” Laura cried, exasperated. “I can be
+humiliated. I can be embarrassed and hurt.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Beebo poured her coffee into an empty highball glass, which
+cracked from the heat with a loud snap. Her eyes looked up
+slyly at Laura, expecting a reprimand, but Laura ignored it,
+too angry to do anything. Beebo laughed and poured herself
+a watery drink from another glass. “Did I hurt you, Laura,
+baby? Did I really? How did it feel? Tell me how you liked it.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura didn’t like the way she laughed. “Does that strike
+you funny?” she said sharply.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Beebo began to chuckle, a low helpless sort of laugh that
+she couldn’t control; the miserable sort of laugh that comes on
+after too much to drink and too little to be happy about.
+“Yes,” she drawled, still laughing. “Everything strikes me
+funny. Even you. Even you, my lovely, solemn, angry, gorgeous
+Laura. Even me. Even Jackson here. Jack, you doll,
+how come you’re so handsome?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Jack grinned wryly, twisting his ugly intelligent face. “The
+Good Fairy,” he explained. “The Good Fairy is an old buddy
+of mine. Gives me anything I want. You want to be handsome
+like me? I’ll talk to him. No charge.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Beebo kept laughing while he talked. She sounded a little
+hysterical. “No, I don’t want to be handsome,” she said. “I
+just want Laura. Tell your damn fairy to talk to Laura. Tell
+him I need help. Laura won’t let me kiss her any more.” She
+stopped laughing suddenly. “Will you, baby?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Beebo, please don’t talk about it. Not now.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Not now, not ever. Every time I bring it up, same damn
+thing. ‘Not now, Beebo. Please, Beebo. Not now.’ You’re
+nothing but a busted record, my love. A beautiful busted record.
+Kiss me, little Bo-peep.” Laura turned away, biting her
+underlip, embarrassed and defiant. “Please kiss me, Laura.
+That better? <em>Please.</em>” She dragged the word out till it ended
+in a soft growl.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura hated Beebo’s begging almost more than her swaggering.
+“If you didn’t get so drunk all the time, you’d be a
+<a id="page-16" class="pagenum" title="16"></a>
+lot more appealing,” Laura said.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Beebo got up and lurched across the room in one giant step
+and took Laura’s arms roughly. She turned her around and
+forced a kiss on her mouth. They were both silent afterwards
+for a moment, Laura looking hot-faced at the floor and Beebo,
+her eyes shut, holding the love she was losing with awful
+stubbornness. Jack watched them in a confusion of pity.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+He liked them both, but he loved Laura as well. In his own
+private way he loved her, and if it ever came to a showdown
+it was Laura he would side with.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+At last Beebo said softly, “Don’t shut me out, Laura.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura disengaged herself slightly. “If you didn’t drink so
+much I wouldn’t shut you out.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“If you didn’t shut me out I wouldn’t drink so much!”
+Beebo shouted, suddenly. “I wouldn’t have to.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Beebo, you drink because you like to get drunk. You were
+drunk the night I met you and you’ve been more or less drunk
+ever since. <em>I</em> didn’t do it to you, you did it to yourself. You
+like the taste of whiskey, that’s all. So don’t give me a sob
+story about my driving you to drink.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“There you go, getting holy on me again. Who says <em>you</em>
+don’t like whiskey?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I have a drink now and then,” Laura flashed at her. “There
+are so many damn whiskey bottles in this apartment I’d have
+to be blind to avoid them.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Jack laughed. “I’m blind,” he said, “most of the time. But
+I can always find the booze. In fact, the blinder I am the
+better I find it.” He chuckled at his own nonsense and swirled
+the spiked coffee in his cup.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Laura, you lie,” Beebo said. “You lie in your teeth. You
+just like the way it tastes, like me.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura had been drinking too much lately. Not as much as
+Beebo, but still too much. She didn’t know exactly why. She
+blamed it on a multiplicity of bad breaks, but never on herself.
+“If you wouldn’t drag me around to the bars all night,”
+she said. “If you wouldn’t continually ask me to drink with
+you....”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I <em>ask</em> you, Bo-peep. I don’t twist your arm.” She eyed
+Laura foggily.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura turned to Jack. “Do I drink as much as Beebo?” she
+demanded. “Am <em>I</em> an alcoholic?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Beebo gave a snort. “Jack,” she mimicked, “am <em>I</em> an
+alcoholic?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+<a id="page-17" class="pagenum" title="17"></a>
+“Do you have beer for breakfast?” he asked her.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“No.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Do you take a bottle to bed?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“No.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Do you get soused for weeks at a time?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“No.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Do you ... have a cocktail now and then?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Yes.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“You’re an alcoholic.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Beebo threw a wet dishcloth at him.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I’m going to bed,” Laura announced abruptly.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“What’s the matter, baby, can’t you take it?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Enough is too much, that’s all.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Enough of what?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Of you!”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Beebo turned a cynical face to Jack. “That means I can sleep
+on the couch tonight,” she said. “Too bad. I was just getting
+used to the bed again....” She hiccuped, and smiled sadly.
+“Don’t you think we make an ideal couple, Laura and me?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Inspirational,” Jack said. “They should serialize you in all
+the women’s magazines. Give you a free honeymoon in
+Jersey City.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Knowing us as well as you do, Doctor,” Beebo said, and
+Laura, her teeth clenched, stood waiting in the doorway to
+hear what she was going to say, “what would you recommend
+in our case?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Nothing. It’s hopeless. Go home and die, you’ll feel better,”
+he said.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Don’t say that.” Suddenly Beebo wasn’t kidding.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“All right. I won’t say it. I retract my statement.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Revise it?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“God, in my condition?” he said doubtfully. “Well ...
+I’ll try. Let’s see.... My friends, the patient is dead of the
+wrong disease. The operation was a success. There is only
+one remedy.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“What’s that?” Laura asked him.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Bury the doctor. Oops, I got that one wrong too. Excuse
+me, ladies. I mean, <em>marry</em> the doctor. Laura, will you marry
+me?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“No.” She smiled at him.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I’m an alcoholic,” he offered, as if that might persuade her.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“You’re damn near as irresistible as I am, Jackson,” Beebo
+<a id="page-18" class="pagenum" title="18"></a>
+said. She said it bitterly, and the tone of her voice turned
+Laura on her heel and sent her out of the room to bed. Beebo
+went to the open kitchen door and leaned unsteadily on it.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Laura, you’re a bitch!” she called after her. “Laura, baby,
+I hate you! I hate you! Listen to me!” She waited while Laura
+slammed the door behind her and then stood with her head
+bowed. Finally she looked up and whispered, “I love you,
+baby.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+She turned back to Jack, who had finished the coffee and
+was now drinking out of the whiskey bottle without bothering
+with a glass. “What do you do with a girl like that?” she
+asked.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Jack shrugged. “Take the lock off the bedroom door.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I already did.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Didn’t work?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Worked swell. She made me sleep on the couch for five
+days.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Why do you put up with it?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Why did you? It was your turn not so long ago, friend.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Because you’re crazy blind in love.” He looked toward her
+out of unfocused eyes. Jack’s body got very intoxicated when
+he drank heavily, but his mind did not. It was a curious
+situation and it produced bitter wisdom, sometimes witty and
+more often painful.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Beebo slumped in a chair and put her hands tight over her
+face. Some moments passed in silence before Jack realized she
+was crying. “I’m a fool,” she whispered. “I drink too much,
+she’s right. I always did. And now I’ve got her doing it.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Don’t be a martyr, Beebo. It’s unbecoming.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I’m no martyr, damn it. I just see how unhappy she is,
+how she is dying to get away from me, and then I see her
+brighten up when she’s had a couple, and I can only think
+one thing: I’m doing it to her. That’s my contribution to
+Laura’s life. And I love her so. I love her so.” And the tears
+spilled over her cheeks again.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Jack took one last drink and then left the bottle sitting in
+the sink. He said, “I love her too. I wish I could help.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“You can. Quit proposing to her.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“You think I should?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Never mind what I think. It’s unprintable. I’m just telling
+you, quit proposing to her.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“She’ll never say yes,” he said mournfully. “So I don’t see
+<a id="page-19" class="pagenum" title="19"></a>
+that it matters.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“That’s not the point, Jackson. I don’t like it.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I’m sorry, I can’t help it.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Jack, you don’t want to get married.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I know. It’s ridiculous, isn’t it?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“What would you do if she did say yes?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Marry her.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Why?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I love her.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Drivel! You love me. Marry me.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I could live with her, but not with you,” he said. “I love
+her very much. I love her terribly.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“That’s not the reason you want to marry her. You can love
+her unmarried as well as not. So what’s the real reason? Come
+on.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+If he had not been so drunk he would probably never have
+said it.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I want a child,” he admitted suddenly, quietly.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Beebo was too startled to answer him for a moment. Then
+she began to laugh. “You!” she exclaimed. “<em>You!</em> Jack Mann,
+the homosexual’s homosexual. Dandling a fat rosy baby on his
+knee. Father Jack. Oh, God!” And she doubled up in laughter.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Jack stood in front of her, the faintest sad smile on his face.
+“It would be a girl,” he mused. “She’d have long pale hair,
+like Laura.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“And horn-rimmed glasses like her old man.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“And she’d be bright and sweet and loving.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“With <em>dames</em>, anyway.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“With me.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Oh, God! All this and incest, too!” And Beebo’s laughter,
+cruel and helpless, silenced him suddenly. He couldn’t be
+angry, she meant no harm. She was writhing in a net of misery
+and it eased the pain when she could tease. But the lovely child
+of his dreams went back to hide in the secret places of his
+heart.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+After a while Beebo stopped laughing and asked, “Why a
+girl?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Why not?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“You’re gay. Don’t you want a pretty little boy to play
+with?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I’m afraid of boys. I’d ruin him. I’d be afraid to love him.
+Every time I kissed him or stroked his hair I’d be thinking,
+<a id="page-20" class="pagenum" title="20"></a>
+‘I can’t do this any more, he’ll take it wrong. He’ll end up
+as queer as his old man.’”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“That’s not how little boys get queer, doll. Or didn’t your
+mama tell you?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“She never told me anything.” He smiled at her. “You
+know, Beebo, I think I’m going mad,” he said pleasantly.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“That makes two of us.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I’m serious. I’m even bored with liquor. By Jesus, I think
+I’ll go on the wagon.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“When you go on the wagon, boy, I’ll believe you’re going
+mad for sure. But not before.” She put her own glass down as
+if it suddenly frightened her. “Why do we all drink so much,
+Jackson? Is it something in the air down here? Does the Village
+contaminate us?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I wish to God it did. I’d move out tomorrow.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Are we all bad for each other?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Poisonous. But that’s not the reason.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“It’s contagious, then. One person gets hooked on booze and
+he hooks everybody else.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Guess again.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Because we’re queer?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“No, doll. Come with me.” He took her by the hand and
+led her on a weaving course through the living room to the
+bathroom. The dachshund, Nix, followed them, bustling with
+non-alcoholic energy. Jack aimed Beebo at the mirror over
+the washbowl. “There, sweetheart,” he said. “There’s your
+answer.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Beebo looked at herself with distaste. “My face?” she asked.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Jack chuckled. “Yourself,” he said. “You drink to suit yourself.
+As Laura said, you drink because you like the taste.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I hate the taste. Tastes lousy.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Beebo, I love you but you are the goddam stubbornest
+female alive. You don’t drink because anybody asks you to,
+or infects you, or forces you. You’re like me. You need to or
+you wouldn’t! Ask that babe in the mirror there.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I can’t live with that, Jack,” she whispered.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Okay, don’t. I can’t either. I just made up my mind: I’m
+quitting.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+She turned and looked at him. “I don’t believe you.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+He smiled at her. “You don’t have to,” he said.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“And what if you do? How does that help me?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+He shook his head. “You have to help yourself, Beebo.
+<a id="page-21" class="pagenum" title="21"></a>
+That’s the hell of it.” He turned and walked toward the front
+door and Beebo followed him, scooping Nix off the floor and
+carrying him with her. “Don’t go, Jack,” she said. “I need
+somebody to talk to.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Talk to Laura.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Sure. Like talking to a wall.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Talk anyway. Talk to Nix.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I do. All the time.” She held the little dog tight and turned
+a taut face to it. “Why doesn’t she love me any more, Nix?
+What did I do wrong? Tell me. Tell me....” She glanced up
+at Jack. “I apologize,” she said.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“What for?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“For laughing about your kid. Your little girl.” She stroked
+Nix. “I know how it feels. To want one. You just have to
+make do with what you’ve got,” she added, squeezing Nix.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Jack stared a little at her. “You know, it comes to me as
+a shock now and then that you’re a female,” he said.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Yeah. Comes as a shock to me too.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+He saw tears starting in her eyes again and put a kind hand
+on her arm. “Beebo, you’re trying too damn hard with Laura.
+Relax. Ignore her for a couple of days.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Ignore her! I adore her! I die inside when she slams that
+door at me.” She dropped Nix suddenly and threw her arms
+around Jack, nearly smothering him. “Jack, you’ve been
+through it, you know what to do. Help me. Tell me. Help me!”
+And her arms loosened and she slumped to the floor and rolled
+over on her stomach and wept. Nix licked her face and whimpered.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Jack stood looking over her, still smiling sadly. Nothing
+surprised him now. He had lived with the heartbreaks of the
+homosexual world too long.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Sure, I know what to do,” he said softly. “Just keep living.
+Whatever else turns rotten and dies, never mind. Just keep
+living. Till it’s worse than dying. Then it’s time to quit.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Ohhhh,” she groaned. “What shall I do?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Stop loving her,” he said.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Beebo turned over and gaped at him. Jack shrugged and
+there was sympathy in his face and fate in his voice. “That
+would straighten things out, wouldn’t it?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Beebo shook her head and whispered, “I can’t. You know
+I can’t.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I know,” Jack repeated. “Goodnight, Beebo.”
+</p>
+
+<div class="chapter">
+
+<h2 class="chapter" id="chapter-0-2">
+<a id="page-22" class="pagenum" title="22"></a>
+2
+</h2>
+
+</div>
+
+<p class="first">
+The bedroom door opened and Beebo surprised Laura sitting
+on the closet floor fingering her shoes and dreaming. The
+party was two days past, the hang-overs were still with them,
+but love was seven days behind them. Beebo didn’t know how
+much longer she could take it. She had tried, since Jack’s
+advice about relaxing, to keep her distance from Laura. It
+had not worked miracles, but it had helped.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+However, Laura resented the love she could no longer return.
+Perhaps it was anger at her own failing, her own empty
+heart. Laura felt a sort of shame when Beebo embraced her.
+She blamed herself secretly for her fading affection. Beebo’s
+love had been the strongest and Beebo’s words, when she spoke
+of it, the truest. And yet Laura had said those same words
+and felt those same passions and believed, as Beebo had believed,
+that it would last.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+She could not be sure where she had gone wrong or when
+that lovely flush of desire had begun to wane in her. She
+only knew one day that she did not want Beebo to touch her.
+When Beebo had protested, Laura had lost her temper and
+they had had their first terrible fight. Not a spat or an argument
+or a disagreement, as before. A fight—a physical struggle
+as well as a verbal one. An ugly and humiliating thing from
+which they could not rise and make love and reassure each
+other. That had been almost a year ago. Others had followed
+it and the breach became serious, and still they clung to each
+other.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Only now Laura’s need was weakening and it was Beebo
+who held them together almost by herself. It was Beebo who
+gave in when a quarrel loomed, who took the lead to make
+peace afterwards, to try to soothe and spoil Laura. Beebo
+had the terrible fear that one of these days the quarrel would
+be too vicious and Laura would leave her. Or that she would
+go beyond the point of rational suffering and kill Laura.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Once or twice she had dreamed of this, and when she had
+wakened in sweat and panic she had gone to the living room
+<a id="page-23" class="pagenum" title="23"></a>
+and turned the light on and spent the time until dawn staring
+at it, repeating the jingles of popular tunes in her mind as a
+sort of desperate gesture at sanity.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Now Beebo stood looking down at Laura and at Nix, who
+was chewing on a pair of slippers, and she felt a wrenching
+in her heart. It just wasn’t possible for her to ignore Laura any
+longer. She had kept hands off since the party and her talk
+with Jack. There had been no begging, no shouting, no furious
+tears. Now she felt she deserved tenderness and she knelt
+down and took Laura’s chin in her hand and kissed her mouth.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I love you,” she said almost shyly.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+And Laura, who wanted only to leave her, not to hurt her,
+lowered her eyes and looked away. She could not say it any
+more. <em>I love you, Beebo.</em> It wasn’t true. And Beebo knew it
+and the knowledge almost killed her, and yet she didn’t insist.
+“Laura,” she said humbly. “Kiss me.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+And Laura did. And in a little wave of compassion she said
+into Beebo’s ear, “I don’t want to hurt you any more.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Beebo took it the wrong way, the way that hurt her least.
+She took it to mean that Laura was apologizing and wanted
+her love again. But Laura meant only that Beebo had been
+dear to her once and that it was awful to see her so unhappy.
+“It’s my fault,” she said. “Only—”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Only nothing,” Beebo said quickly. “Don’t say it. Say
+sweet things to me.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Oh, Beebo, I can’t. Don’t ask me. I’ve forgotten the sweet
+things.” Suddenly she felt like crying. She had never meant
+to wound Beebo. She had had the best intentions of loving
+her faithfully for the rest of her life. And yet now every
+pretty face she saw on the streets caught her eye, every new
+set of eyes or curving lips at the lunch counter.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura was afraid and ashamed. She had always protested
+hotly when somebody accused Lesbians of promiscuity. And
+yet here she was refuting her own argument, at least in her
+thoughts and desires. It was still true that in the whole time
+they had lived together, she had never betrayed Beebo with
+another woman.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Knowing how Beebo felt only made Laura’s conscience
+worse. It made her resentful and gentle by fits. Either way
+it was nerve-wracking and left her exhausted.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Suddenly Beebo picked her up and put her on the bed. She
+sat down beside her and slipped her arms around her and
+<a id="page-24" class="pagenum" title="24"></a>
+began to kiss her with a yearning that gradually brought little
+darts of desire to Laura. She didn’t want it until it happened.
+And then, inexplicably, she did. It was good, very good. And
+she heard Beebo whisper, “Oh, if it could always be like this.
+Laura, Laura, love me. Love me!”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura turned her head away and shut her eyes and tried
+not to hear the words. Gradually the world faded out of her
+consciousness and there was only the ritual rhythm, the wonderful
+press of Beebo’s body against hers. It hadn’t been like
+this for Laura for months, and she was both grateful and
+annoyed.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Beebo made wonderful love. She knew how, she did it naturally,
+as other people eat or walk. Her hands flowed over
+Laura like fine silk in the wind, her lips bit and teased and
+murmured, all with a knowing touch that amounted to witchery.
+In the early days of their love Laura had not been able
+to resist her, and Beebo had loved her lavishly.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Often Laura had felt an ache for those days, when everything
+was sure and safe and certain in the fortress of passion.
+She had taken passion for love itself, and she had been secure
+in Beebo’s warm arms. Now it seemed that Beebo had been
+just a harbor where she could rest and renew herself at a time
+when her life was most shattered and unhappy. She didn’t
+need the safe harbor now. She was grateful, but she needed
+to move on. It was time to face life again and fight again and
+feel alive again. For Beebo the time of searching was over.
+It ended when she met Laura.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+She had a small ten-watt bulb in a little bedstand lamp
+that shed a peachy glow around them, and she always had it
+on when they went to bed. Laura had loved it at first, when
+just the sight of Beebo’s big firm body and marvelous limbs
+would set her trembling. But later, when she was afraid her
+slackening interest would show in her face, she asked Beebo
+to turn it out. It had been one more in a series of harsh arguments,
+for Beebo had known what prompted her request.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Now they lay beside one another, their hearts slipping back
+into a normal rhythm, their bodies limp and relaxed. Laura
+wanted only to sleep; she dreaded long intimate talks with
+Beebo. But Beebo wanted reassurance. She wanted Laura’s
+soft voice in her ears.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Talk to me, Bo-peep,” Beebo said.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Too sleepy,” Laura murmured, yawning.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+<a id="page-25" class="pagenum" title="25"></a>
+“What did you do today?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Nothing.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Shall I tell you what I did?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“No.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I got a new shirt at Davis’s,” Beebo said, ignoring her.
+“Blue with little checks. And guess who rode in my elevator
+today?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura didn’t answer.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Ed Sullivan,” Beebo said. “He had to see one of the ad
+agency people on the eighth floor.” Still no response. “Looks
+just like he does on TV,” Beebo said.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura rolled over on her side and pulled the covers up over
+her ears. For some moments Beebo remained quiet and then
+she said softly, “You’ve been calling me ‘Beth’ again.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura woke up suddenly and completely. Beth ... the
+name, the girl, the love that wound through her life like a
+theme. The tender first love that was born in her college days
+and died with them less than a year later. The love she never
+could forget or forgive or wholly renounce. She had called
+Beebo “Beth” when they first met, and now and then when
+passion got the best of her, or whiskey, or nostalgia, Beth’s
+name would come to her lips like an old song. Beebo had
+grown to hate it. It was the only rival she knew for certain
+she had and it put her in the unreasonable position of being
+helplessly jealous of a girl she didn’t know and never would.
+Whenever she mentioned her, Laura knew there was a storm
+coming.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“If I could only <em>see</em> that goddam girl sometime and know
+what I was up against!” she would shout, and Laura would
+have to pacify her one way or another. She would have to
+protest that after all, it was all over, Beth was married, and
+Beth had never even loved her. Not really. But when Laura
+grew the most unhappy with Beebo, the most restless and
+frustrated, she would start to call her Beth again when they
+made love. So Beebo feared the name as much as she disliked
+it. It was an evil omen in her life, as it was a love theme in
+Laura’s.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura turned back to face Beebo now, nervous and tensed
+for a fight. “Beebo, darling—I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Sure, I know. <em>Darling.</em>” She lampooned Laura’s soothing
+love word sarcastically. “You just pick that name out of a
+hat. For some screwy reason it just happens to be the same
+<a id="page-26" class="pagenum" title="26"></a>
+name all the time.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“If you’re going to be like that I won’t apologize next time.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“<em>Next</em> time! Are you planning on next time already? God!”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Beebo, you know that’s all over—”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I swear, Laura, sometimes I think you must have a girl
+somewhere.” Laura gasped indignantly, but Beebo went on,
+“I do! You talk about Beth, Beth, Beth so much I’m beginning
+to think she’s real. She’s my demon. She lives around the
+corner on Seventh Avenue somewhere and you sneak off and
+see her in the evenings when I work late. And her husband
+is out.” Her voice was sharp and probing, like a needle in the
+hands of a nervous nurse.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Beebo, I’ve never betrayed you! Never!”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Beebo didn’t really believe she had. But Laura had hurt her
+enough without betraying her and Beebo, who was not blind,
+could see that Laura would not go on forever in beautiful
+blamelessness.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“You will,” Beebo said briefly. They were the words of near
+despair.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura was suddenly full of pity. “Beebo, don’t <em>make</em> me
+hurt you,” she begged. She got on her knees and bent over
+Beebo. “I swear I’ve never touched another girl while we’ve
+lived together, and I never will.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“You mean when you stumble on a tempting female one of
+these days you’ll just move out. You can always say, ‘I never
+cheated on Beebo while we lived together. I just got the hell
+out when I had a chance.’”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Beebo, damn you, you’re impossible! <em>You’re</em> the one who’s
+saying all this! I don’t want to cheat, I don’t want to hurt
+you, I <em>hate</em> these ugly scenes!” She began to weep while she
+talked. “God, if you’re going to accuse me of something,
+accuse me of something real. Sometimes I think you’re getting
+a little crazy.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Beebo clasped her around the waist then, her strong fingers
+digging painfully into Laura’s smooth flesh, and sobbed. They
+were hard sobs, painful as if each one were twisting her throat.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Forgive me, forgive me,” she groaned. “Why do I do it?
+<em>Why?</em> Laura, my darling, my only love, tell me just once—you
+aren’t in love with anybody else, are you?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“No!” said Laura with the force of truth, resenting Beebo’s
+arms around her. She wanted to comfort her, yet she feared
+that Beebo would pounce on the gesture as a proof of love
+<a id="page-27" class="pagenum" title="27"></a>
+and force her into more love-making. Her hands rested awkwardly
+on Beebo’s shoulders.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“If you ever fall for anybody, Bo-peep, tell me. Tell me
+first, don’t spare me. Don’t wait till the breach is too wide to
+heal. Give me a chance. Let me know who it is, let me know
+how it happened. Don’t keep me wondering and agonizing
+over it. Anything would be better than lies and wondering.
+Promise you’ll tell me. <em>Promise</em>, love.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+She looked up at Laura now, shaking her so hard that Laura
+gasped. “Promise!” she said fiercely.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“All right,” Laura whispered, afraid of her.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Say it.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I promise—to tell you—if I—oh, Beebo, please—”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Go on, damn you!”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“If I ever fall—for somebody else.” Her voice was almost
+too weak to hear.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Beebo released her then and they both fell back on the bed,
+worn out. For a long time they lay awake, but neither would
+make a move toward the other or utter a word.
+</p>
+
+<p class="tb">
+* * *
+</p>
+
+<p class="noindent">
+The next day Beebo awoke feeling that they had come closer
+to the edge of breaking up than ever before, and she could
+feel herself trembling all over. She got up before Laura was
+awake and, taking Nix with her into the kitchen, she poured
+herself a shot. She was ashamed of this new little habit she
+was acquiring. She hadn’t told anybody about it, not even
+Jack. Just one drink in the morning. Just one. Never more.
+It made her hands steady. It made the day look brighter and
+not quite so endless. It made her situation with Laura look
+hopeful.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+She took the hot and satisfying amber liquid straight, letting
+it burn her tight throat and ease her. Then she washed out
+the shot glass and returned it to the shelf with the bottle.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Nix,” she said softly to the little dog, “I’m a bad girl.
+Your Beebo is a wicked bitch, Nix. Do you think anybody
+cares? Do you think it matters? What the hell good is it to
+be a bad little girl if nobody notices you? What fun is it then?
+Shall I have another shot, Nix? Nobody’s looking.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+He whimpered a little, watching her with puddle-bright
+eyes, and made her laugh. “<em>You</em> care, don’t you, little dog?”
+She leaned down and picked him up. “You care, anyway.
+You’re telling me not to be an ass and let myself in for a lot
+<a id="page-28" class="pagenum" title="28"></a>
+of trouble. And you’re right. Absolutely.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+She sat down on a kitchen chair and sighed. “You know, if
+she loved me, Nix, I wouldn’t have to do it. You know that,
+don’t you? Sure you do. You’re the only one who does. Everybody
+else thinks I’m just turning into an old souse. But it’s
+not true. It’s because of Laura, you know that as well as I do.
+She makes me so miserable. She has my life in her hands,
+Nix.” She laughed a little. “You know, that’s kind of frightening.
+I wish I knew if she was on my side or not.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+There was a moment when she thought she would cry and
+she dumped Nix off her lap and quickly poured herself one
+more shot. It went down easier than number one, but she
+washed the shot glass out as before and put it and the bottle
+back on the shelf as if to tell herself: <em>That’s all, that’s enough.</em>
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Beebo turned and smiled at Nix. “Now look at me,” she
+said. “I’m more sober than when I’m really sober. My hands
+have quit shaking. And I’m not going to quarrel with her
+when she gets up. I’m going to say something nice. Come here,
+dog. Help me think of something....
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I’d sell my soul to be an honest-to-god male. I could marry
+Laura! I could marry her. Give her my name. Give her kids ...
+oh, wouldn’t that be lovely? So lovely....” Jack’s desire for
+a child didn’t seem grotesque to her at all any more.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“But Nix,” she went on, and her face fell, “she wouldn’t
+have me. My baby is gay, like me. She wants a woman. Would
+God she wanted me. But a woman, all the same. She’d never
+take a man for a mate.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+She felt the vile tears sneaking up on her again and shook
+her head hard. “She couldn’t take that, Nix. It’d be even worse
+than—than living with me.” And she gave a hard laugh.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Beebo heard the bedroom door open and she dropped Nix
+and went to the icebox. Within moments Laura entered the
+kitchen.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“’Morning,” she said.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Good morning, Madam Queen. What’ll it be?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Soft boiled egg, please. Have to hurry, I’ll be late to work.”
+She had a job in a tourist trap over on Greenwich Avenue,
+where they sold sandals and earrings and trinkets.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Beebo busied herself with the eggs and Laura poured orange
+juice and opened the paper. She buried herself in it, moving
+just a little to let Beebo put her plate down in front of her.
+Beebo sat down opposite her and ate in silence for a minute,
+<a id="page-29" class="pagenum" title="29"></a>
+eating very little. She lighted a cigarette after a few minutes
+and sipped cautiously at her hot coffee.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Laura?” she said.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Hm?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Even in the morning, with your hair up and your nose in
+the paper and your eyes looking everywhere but at me ...
+I love you, Laura.” She said it slowly, composing it as she
+went and smiling a little at the effect. The liquor had loosened
+her up.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“What?” said Laura, her eyes following a story and her
+ears deaf.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I have a surprise for you, Bo-peep,” Beebo tried again.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Oh. Says here it’s going up to ninety today.... A surprise?”
+She lowered the paper a bit to look at Beebo.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Um-hm. I didn’t get you an anniversary present. I thought
+we might get you a new dress tonight. Stores are open.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura was embarrassed. It still upset her to have to accept
+gifts from Beebo. She felt as if each one was a bid for her
+love, a sort of investment Beebo was making in Laura’s good
+will. It made her resent the gifts and resist them. And still
+Beebo came home with things she couldn’t afford and forced
+them on Laura and made her almost frantic between the need
+to be grateful, the pity she felt, and the exasperation that was
+the result of it all.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I don’t need a dress, honey,” Laura said.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I want you to have one.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“God, Beebo, if I bought all the clothes you want me to
+have we wouldn’t have money to eat on. We’d be broke.
+We’d be in hock for everything we own.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Please, baby. All I want to do is buy you an anniversary
+present.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Beebo, I—” What could she say? <em>I don’t want the damn
+dress?</em>
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I know,” Beebo said abruptly. “I embarrass you. You
+don’t like to be seen in the nice stores with me. I look so damn
+queer. Don’t argue, Bo-peep, I know it,” she said, waving
+Laura’s protests to silence. “I’ll wear a skirt tonight. Okay?
+I look pretty good in a skirt.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+It was true that Laura was ashamed to go anywhere out
+of Greenwich Village with her.... Beebo, nearly six feet
+of her, with her hair cropped short and her strange clothes
+and her gruff voice. And when she flirted with the clerks!
+<a id="page-30" class="pagenum" title="30"></a>
+Laura had been afraid more than once that they would call
+the police and drag Beebo off to jail. But it had never happened.
+Still, there was always a first time. And if she had a
+couple of drinks before they went, Laura wasn’t at all sure
+she could handle her.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Why don’t you let me find something for myself?” Laura
+asked, pleading. “I know you hate to put a skirt on. You don’t
+have to come. I’ll pick out something pretty.” But she knew,
+and so did Beebo, that unless Beebo went along Laura would
+buy nothing. She would come home and say, “They just didn’t
+have a thing.” And Beebo would have to face the fact that
+Laura resented her little tributes.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+So she said, “No, I don’t trust your taste. Besides, I like
+to see you try on all the different things.”
+</p>
+
+<p class="tb">
+* * *
+</p>
+
+<p class="noindent">
+So it was that Laura met her at Lord and Taylor’s on Fifth
+Avenue after work. It had to be a really good store and Beebo
+had to pay more than they could afford, or she wasn’t satisfied.
+Laura anticipated it with dread, but at least it was better than
+another awful quarrel. If Beebo would just be quiet. If she
+would just keep her eyes—and her hands—off the cute little
+clerks in the dress departments. Laura always tried to find a
+stolid middle-aged clerk, but the shops seemed to abound in
+sleek young ones.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Still, Beebo, subdued perhaps by her plain black dress and
+by Laura’s nervous concern, kept quiet. Laura noticed a little
+whiskey on her breath when they met outside the store, but
+nothing in her behavior betrayed it.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Do I stink?” she had asked, and when Laura wrinkled her
+nose Beebo took a mint out and sucked on it. “I won’t disgrace
+you,” she said. She was making a real effort.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+They zigzagged around the Avenue, finding nothing that
+both looked right and could be had for less than a fortune.
+At Peck and Peck, near nine o’clock, Laura said, “Beebo, I’ve
+had it. This is positively the last place. I don’t want you to
+dress me like a damn princess. I’d much rather have one of
+those big enamel-ware pots—”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Oh, goddamn the pots! Don’t talk to me of pots!” Beebo
+exclaimed and Laura answered, “All right, all right, all right!”
+in a quick irritated whisper.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+She went up to the first girl she saw, determined to waste
+as little time as possible. “Excuse me,” she said. “Could you
+<a id="page-31" class="pagenum" title="31"></a>
+show me something in a twelve?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+The girl turned around and looked at her out of jade green
+eyes. Laura stared at her. She was black-haired and her skin
+was the color of three parts cream and one part coffee. In such
+a setting her green eyes were amazing. There was a tiny red
+dot between them on her brow, Indian fashion, but she was
+dressed in Occidental clothes. She gazed at Laura with exquisite
+contempt.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Something in a twelve?” she repeated, and her voice had
+a careful, educated sort of pronunciation. Laura was enchanted
+with her, pleased just to look at her marvelous smooth
+face. Her skin was incredibly pure and her color luminous.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Yes, please,” Laura said.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+With a light monosyllable, unintelligible to Laura, the girl
+shrugged at a row of dresses. “Help yourself,” she said in
+clipped English. “I cannot help you.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura was surprised at her effrontery. “Well, I—I would
+like a little help, if you don’t mind,” she said pointedly.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Not from me. Go look at the dresses. If you see one you
+like, buy it.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura stared at her, her dander up. “You just don’t care if
+I buy a dress or not, do you?” she prodded. The girl, who had
+begun to turn away, looked back at her in annoyance.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Can you think of one good reason why I should?” she
+asked.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“You’re a clerk and I’m a customer,” Laura shot back.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Thank you for the compliment,” she said icily. “But I am
+no clerk. And if I were, I wouldn’t wait on you.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+It was so royal, so precise, that Laura blushed crimson.
+“Oh,” she said in confusion. “Please forgive me. I—I just saw
+you standing there and I—”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“And you took it for granted that I must be a clerk? How
+flattering.” She stared at Laura for a minute and then she
+smiled slightly and turned away.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura was too interested in her just to let her fade away
+like that. She started after her with no idea of what to say,
+feeling idiotic and yet fascinated with the girl. She touched
+her sleeve and that lovely beige face swiveled toward her, this
+time plainly irritated. But before either of them could speak
+Beebo came toward them. She had a couple of dresses over
+one arm and she sauntered up with typical long strides, a
+cigarette drooping from one corner of her mouth. Laura saw
+<a id="page-32" class="pagenum" title="32"></a>
+her coming with a sinking feeling.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I found these, Laura. Try them on,” she said, looking at
+the Indian girl. There was a small awkward silence. “Well?”
+Beebo said suddenly, smiling at the strange girl. “Friend of
+yours, Bo-peep?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura could have slapped her. She hated that pet name. It
+was bad enough in private, but in public it was intolerable.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“No, I—I mistook her for a clerk,” Laura said. Her cheeks
+were still glowing and the girl looked from her to Beebo and
+back as if they were both dangerous. Laura’s hand fell from
+her arm and she stepped backwards, still watching them, as
+if she half-feared they would follow her.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Don’t mind her,” Beebo told her, thumbing at Laura.
+“She thinks her best friends are clerks. She’s just being
+friendly.” Laura heard the edge in her voice and became
+uneasy.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+But the Indian girl, if she was an Indian girl, unexpectedly
+relented a little and smiled. “It’s all right,” she said. She looked
+at Laura. “I’m not a clerk,” she said. “I’m a dancer.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Oh!” Suddenly an unwelcome little thrill flew through
+Laura. She couldn’t have explained it logically. The girl was
+very demure and distant. But she was also very lovely, and
+Laura had a brief vision of all that creamy tan skin unveiled
+and undulating to the rhythm of muffled gongs and bells and
+wailing reeds.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+She must have looked incredulous for the girl said suddenly,
+“I can prove it.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Oh, no! No, that’s all right,” Laura protested, but the
+girl handed her a little card with a name printed on it, and
+Laura took it eagerly. “I did not mean I would demonstrate,”
+the girl said carefully.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Beebo laughed. “Go ahead,” she said. “We’re dance lovers.
+I don’t think Laura’d mind a bit, would you, baby?” She was
+mad at Laura for flirting and Laura knew it.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+The little card read, <em>Tris Robischon</em> and underneath, <em>Dance
+Studio</em> and an address in the Village. “I just didn’t want you
+to think I was lying,” the girl said, somewhat haughtily. And
+before Laura or Beebo could answer her she turned and left
+them standing, staring after her.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Beebo turned to frown at Laura. “You made a hit, it seems,”
+she said acidly. “Let’s see her card.” She snatched it from
+Laura’s reluctant fingers.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+<a id="page-33" class="pagenum" title="33"></a>
+“Take it. I don’t want it!” Laura said angrily, for she did
+want it very much. She turned away sharply, giving her attention
+to a row of dresses, but she knew Beebo wouldn’t let her
+off the hook so easily. There would be more nastiness and soon.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“You got her name out of her, at least. Pretty smooth.”
+Beebo’s voice was hard and hurt. “Tris Robischon. Doesn’t
+sound very Indian to me.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“How would you know, swami?” Laura snapped. “If you
+throw a jealous scene in here I’ll leave you tonight and I’ll
+never come back, I’m warning you!” she added in a furious
+hiss, and Beebo glared at her. But she didn’t answer.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Finally Laura dragged some dresses off the rack and turned
+to her. “I’ll try these,” she said. Beebo followed her to the
+dressing room and watched her change into one and then
+another in angry silence.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+At last Laura burst out, “I didn’t ask her for the damn card.
+I don’t know <em>why</em> she gave it to me.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“It’s obvious. You’re irresistible.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura took two handfuls of Beebo’s hair and shook her
+head till Beebo stopped her roughly and forced her to her
+knees. Fury paralyzed them both for a moment and they
+stared at each other helplessly, trembling.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura wanted that card. She wanted it enough to soften
+suddenly and play games for it. “Beebo, be gentle with me,”
+she pleaded, her tense body relaxing. “Don’t hurt me,” she
+whispered. “I don’t know who the girl is and I don’t care.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Beebo stared at her suspiciously till Laura reminded her,
+“We came to get a dress, remember? Let’s not spoil it. Please,
+Beebo.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Beebo released her and sat staring at the floor. Laura tried
+on dresses for her, but Beebo wouldn’t look at them. No tender
+words, no coaxing, no teasing that would have been so welcome
+any other time worked with her tonight. When Beebo
+got jealous she was a bitch—irrational, unreasonable, unkind.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I’m going to take this one,” Laura said finally, a little
+desperate. “Whether you like it or not.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Beebo looked up slowly. “I like it,” she said flatly, but she
+would have said, “I hate it,” in the same voice.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura went over to her and took her face in both hands,
+stooped down, and kissed her petulant mouth. “Beebo,” she
+murmured. “You love me. Act like it.” It was so foolishly
+selfish, so unexpected, and so almost affectionate that it was
+<a id="page-34" class="pagenum" title="34"></a>
+funny, and Beebo smiled wryly at her. She took Laura’s shoulders
+and pulled her down for another kiss just as a clerk—a
+genuine clerk—stuck her face in and said, “Need any help
+in here?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“No thanks!” Laura blurted, looking up in alarm. Beebo
+put her head back and laughed and the clerk stared, pop-eyed.
+Then she shut the door and sped away. Beebo stood up and
+swept Laura into her arms and kissed her over and over, all
+over her face and shoulders and ears and throat until Laura
+had to beg her to stop. “Let’s get out of here before that clerk
+makes trouble!” she implored.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+When they left the dressing room Laura noticed that Beebo
+had put Tris Robischon’s card in the sand pail for cigarettes.
+It stuck out like a little white flag. Laura risked her purse—with
+$15.87, all they had for the next week—to get the card
+back. She left the purse on the chair as she followed Beebo
+out. And so it was that she was able to make an excuse to go
+back and retrieve them both, purse and card, while Beebo paid
+for the dress.
+</p>
+
+<div class="chapter">
+
+<h2 class="chapter" id="chapter-0-3">
+<a id="page-35" class="pagenum" title="35"></a>
+3
+</h2>
+
+</div>
+
+<p class="first">
+<em>It’s an awful thing about Jack</em>, Laura wrote in her diary, sitting
+on the floor by the closet door. <em>Such a nice guy, so bright
+and so—this will sound corny—so <em>fine</em>. But ever since Terry
+left him he’s been a little crazy. I was really afraid of how
+much he was drinking until tonight when we had a beer at
+Julian’s. Or rather, I had a beer. Jack’s on the wagon. Maybe
+that will straighten him out. <em>If</em> he can stick with it. If he’d
+been straight I think he would have done something wonderful
+with his life. But is it fair to blame the failures on homosexuality?
+Is it, really? I’m selling junk here in the Village
+because Beebo wants me near her. She runs an elevator so she
+can wear pants all day. And Jack’s a draughtsman so he can
+be in an office full of virile engineers. What’s the matter with
+us? We don’t <em>have</em> to spend our lives doing it. So why do we?</em>
+</p>
+
+<p>
+She had asked Jack the same question at Julian’s little bar
+just off Seventh Avenue, earlier that evening. “Why do we
+do it, Jack? Throw our lives away?” she said.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“We like to,” he shrugged. “We all have martyr complexes.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“We give away the best part of ourselves—our youth and
+our health are all just given away. Free.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“What sort of profit did you expect to make on them?” he
+said. “You want to get paid for being young and healthy?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura glared at him. “That’s not what I mean—”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“If you’re not giving, you’re not living, doll,” he said. “I
+quote the sob columns. Give yourself away, what the hell.
+What’s youth for? And health? And beauty, and the rest of
+it. Keep it and it turns putrid like everything else. Give it
+away and at least somebody enjoys it.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Jack, you know damn well I mean <em>wasting</em> it. Wasting it
+all day long on costume jewelry or a push-button elevator or
+a slide rule. God, when I think of what you—”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Don’t think of all the fine things I could have done with
+my life, Mother,” he pleaded. “You give me the shudders. I’m
+<a id="page-36" class="pagenum" title="36"></a>
+not happy, but I’d be worse off trying to live straight. I like
+men. My office is full of them.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“You hate your work.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I never have to think about it. Purely mechanical. I just sit
+there and flip that little slip stick and I say, ‘Evens, Johnson
+is straight. Odds, he’s queer.’ If Johnson is queer on Tuesday—according
+to the slide rule—I make it a point to give him a
+kind word.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Johnson is straight and you know it. Every man in your
+office is straight. Why do you torture yourself?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“No torture, Mother. When the whole world is black, pretend
+it’s rosy. Somewhere, in some little corner. If everybody’s
+straight, pretend somebody’s gay.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“That’s a short cut to the bug house.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I wouldn’t mind the bug house. If they’d let me keep my
+slip stick.” He laughed to himself and leaned over the bar to
+order. “One whiskey and water,” he said.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“How about you, Mann?” Julian asked.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Nothing.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Are you on the wagon?” Laura was stunned. When he
+nodded she said, “Just a beer for me. I’m drinking too much
+anyway.” Then she smiled. “You’ll never last, Jack. You know
+what you need?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Do I know? Are you serious?” He grinned at her, but it
+was a pained smile.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“You need a real man,” Laura said softly. “Not a bunch
+of daydreams at the office. That’s enough to drive anybody
+nuts. You worry me, Jack.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Good.” He smiled and squeezed her arm. “Now I’ll tell
+you what I really need.” He looked at her through his sharp
+eyes set in that plain face Laura had come to love and find
+attractive. “I don’t need a man, Laura,” he said. “I’m too
+damn old to run after pretty boys any more. I look like a
+middle-aged fool, which is exactly what I am. When Terry
+left me, I was through.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Do you still love him? Even after what he did?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I won’t talk about him,” he said simply. “I can’t. But he
+was the last one. The end. I want a woman now. I want you,
+Laura.” He turned away abruptly, embarrassed, but his hand
+remained on her arm.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura was touched. “Jack,” she said very gently. “I’m a
+Lesbian. Even if you renounce men, I can’t renounce women.
+<a id="page-37" class="pagenum" title="37"></a>
+I won’t even try.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“There was a time when you were willing to try.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“That was a million years ago. I wasn’t the same Laura I
+am now. I said that before I even met Beebo—when another
+girl was giving me hell, and I was new to the game and to
+New York and so afraid of everything.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“So now you know the ropes and you’re absolutely sure
+you’d rather give your life away to the goddam tourists and
+a woman you don’t love than come and live with a man you
+do love.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Jack, darling, I love you, but I don’t love you with my
+body. I love you with my heart and soul but I could never let
+you make love to me.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I could never do it, either,” he said quietly. “You’re no
+gayer than I am, Laura. If we married it would never be a
+physical union, you know that.” Somewhere far back in his
+mind the sweet shadow of that little dream child hovered, but
+he suppressed it, lighting a cigarette quickly. His fingers shook.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“If it wasn’t a physical union, what would it be?” Laura
+asked. “Just small talk and community property and family-plan
+fares?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+He smiled. “Sounds a little empty, doesn’t it?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Jack,” Laura said, speaking with care so as not to hurt him,
+“you’re forty-five and life looks a little different to you now.
+I’m only twenty-three and I can’t give up my body so casually.
+I could never make you promises I couldn’t keep.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I wouldn’t ask that promise of you, Laura,” he said.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“You mean I could bring girls home? To our home, yours
+and mine? Any girls, any time? And it would be all right?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Let’s put it this way,” he said. “If you fell in love with
+somebody, I’d be understanding. I’d welcome her to the house,
+and I’d get the hell out when you wanted a little privacy. I’d
+keep strict hands off and just one shoulder for you to cry on.
+As long as you really loved her and it wasn’t cheap or loud
+or dirty, I’d respect it.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+He knocked the ashes off the tip of his cigarette thoughtfully.
+“... only,” he said, “you’d be my wife. And you’d
+come home at night and tuck me in and you’d be there in the
+morning to see me off.” He sounded so peculiarly gentle and
+yearning that she was convinced that he meant it. But she was
+not ready to give in.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura smiled at him. “What would there be in all this for
+<a id="page-38" class="pagenum" title="38"></a>
+you, Jack?” she said. “Just getting tucked in at night? Is that
+enough compensation?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Nobody ever tucked me in before.” He said it with a grin
+but she sensed that it was true.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“And breakfast in the morning?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Wonderful! You don’t know what a difference it would
+make.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“That’s nothing, Jack, compared to what you’d be giving
+me.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“You’d be my wife, Laura, my honest-to-God lawful legal
+wife. You’d give me a home. You don’t know what that would
+mean to me. I’ve been living in rented rooms since I was out
+of diapers. You’d give me a place to rest in and be proud of,
+and a purpose in life. What the hell good am I to myself?
+What use is an aging fag with a letch for hopelessly bored,
+hopelessly handsome boys? Christ, I give myself the creeps. I
+give the boys the creeps. And you know something? They’re
+beginning to give <em>me</em> the creeps. I’m so low I can’t go any place
+but up. If you’ll say yes.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“What if I did? What about Beebo?” Laura said softly, as
+if the name might suddenly conjure up her lover, jealous and
+vengeful.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“It would solve everything,” he said positively. “She could
+still see you, but you wouldn’t be her property any more.
+It’s bad for her to have the idea she owns you, but that’s the
+way she treats you. If you were my wife she’d have to respect
+the situation. It would be a kind way to break with her,” he
+added slyly. He was feeling too selfish to waste sympathy on
+Beebo now.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura thought it over. There was no one she respected more
+than Jack, and her love for him, born of gratitude and affection,
+was real. But it was not the love of a normal woman for
+a normal man she felt for him, and the idea of marrying him
+frightened her.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Do you think, if we married, we could keep our love for
+each other intact, Jack?” she asked.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Yes,” he said.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Even if I were having an affair?” She was thinking at
+that moment of Tris Robischon, the lovely, lithe Indian girl.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Yes. I told you ‘yes.’”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura finished her beer in silence, gazing into the mirror
+over the bar and pondering. She knew she would say no. But
+<a id="page-39" class="pagenum" title="39"></a>
+she didn’t quite know how. “I can’t, Jack,” she said at last,
+in a small voice.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Not now, maybe?” He wouldn’t give up.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Never.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Never say never, Mother. Say ‘not now’ or something.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+She did, obediently. But she added, “We’d quarrel and we’d
+end up destroying our love for each other.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“We’d quarrel, hell yes. I wouldn’t feel properly married
+if we didn’t.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“And there’s always the chance that <em>you’d</em> fall in love. And
+regret that you married me.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+He turned to her with a little smile and shook his head.
+“Never,” he said. “And this once it’s the right word.” He
+took her hands. “Say yes.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“No.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Say maybe.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“No.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Say you’ll think about it, Laura. Say it, honey.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+And out of love and reluctance to hurt him, she whispered,
+“I’ll think about it.”
+</p>
+
+<p class="tb">
+* * *
+</p>
+
+<p class="noindent">
+Laura was walking up Greenwich Avenue, searching for
+number 251. She had a small white card in her hand to which
+she referred occasionally, although she had memorized the
+address. It was a hot day, late in the afternoon, and she had
+just come from work, wilted and worn and bored. The idea
+of going home right away depressed her and she had decided
+to walk a little.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+She hadn’t gone two blocks before she was daydreaming of
+Tris Robischon and suddenly shivering with the thought of
+seeing her again.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Beebo wouldn’t be home until nine o’clock that evening,
+and Tris’s studio address was only a short distance from the
+shop where Laura worked. All at once she was walking fast.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+She found the address with no trouble at all. In fact it was
+almost too easy and before she knew it she was standing in
+the first floor hallway of the modest building reading the
+names on the mail boxes. <span class="sc">TRIS ROBISCHON</span>. There it was. Third
+floor, Apartment C. Laura climbed the stairs.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+<em>What will I say to her!</em> she asked herself. <em>How in God’s
+name will I explain this visit? Ask her for a dance lesson? Me?</em>
+She had to smile at herself. Her long slim legs would never
+<a id="page-40" class="pagenum" title="40"></a>
+yield to the fluid grace and discipline of dancing.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura stood uncertainly before the door of Apartment C,
+a little afraid to knock. She could hear the sounds of music
+inside—rather sharp, tormented music. Laura glanced at the
+card once again. It had been almost three weeks since the
+Indian girl had given it to her. Perhaps she wouldn’t even
+remember Laura. It might be embarrassing for them both.
+But then Laura envisioned that remarkable face, and she didn’t
+care how embarrassed she had to be to see it once again. She
+knocked.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+There was no response. She knocked again, hard. This time
+there was a scampering of feet and the music was abruptly
+shut off. Laura heard voices and realized with a sinking feeling
+that Tris wasn’t alone.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Suddenly the door swung open. Laura was confronted with
+a young girl of twelve or so in a blue leotard. “Yes?” said the
+little girl. There were three or four others in the room in
+attitudes of relaxation, and then Tris appeared around a
+corner, wiping her wonderful face on a towel and coming
+quickly and smoothly toward the door. It was almost a self-conscious
+walk, as if she expected any caller to be a prospective
+pupil and had to demonstrate her talent even before she
+opened her mouth to speak.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+She stopped behind the young girl and looked up. Laura
+waited, speechless and awkward, until Tris smiled at her,
+without having said a word. “Come in,” she said.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I hope I’m not interrupting a class,” Laura said, hesitating.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“It does not matter. You are welcome. Please come in.”
+Laura followed her into the room and Tris waved her to a
+seat. It was only a bench, set in a far corner of the room, but
+Laura went to it gratefully and sat there while Tris collected
+her charges and put them through a five-minute routine. It
+looked very pretty to Laura, although the Indian girl seemed
+dissatisfied.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“You can do much better than that for our visitor, girls,”
+she said in her dainty English that Laura had nearly forgotten.
+It was a strange accent, like none Laura had ever heard; very
+precise and softly spoken, but not noticeably British or anything
+else. Laura puzzled over it, watching Tris move and
+demonstrate things to her students. She had on black tights
+and a small cotton knit bandeau that covered her breasts and
+shoulders but left her long supple midriff exposed. She was the
+<a id="page-41" class="pagenum" title="41"></a>
+same luscious tan from waist to bosom, and Laura, sitting
+there watching her, was helplessly fascinated by it; almost
+more by what she could see than by what she couldn’t.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Tris gave two sharp claps with her hands suddenly. “That
+is all for today, girls,” she said, and they broke up quickly,
+running into another room to change their clothes. Tris turned
+to look at Laura. She simply looked at her without saying anything,
+a stare so frank and unabashed that Laura lowered her
+eyes in confusion, feeling the red blood come to her cheeks.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“What is your name?” Tris asked her then, and Laura answered,
+surprised, “Laura.” <em>Of course, I’d forgotten. She
+doesn’t even know my name!</em>
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura looked up to find Tris studying her with a little smile.
+The girls began to file past saying goodnight to her. She smiled
+at one or another, touched their heads and shoulders, and
+spoke to some. In between little girls she watched Laura who
+felt rather like a specimen on exhibit.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+The studio was bare except for the bench, a record player
+next to it on the floor by Laura’s feet, and mirrors. The mirrors
+were everywhere, long and short, all over the walls. Most
+gave a full view of you to yourself. The room where the children
+dressed was furnished as a bedroom. Laura could see
+parts of it, and there were more mirrors in there. There was a
+swinging door, shut now, which apparently led to a kitchen.
+Laura gazed around her, trying to appear interested in it, so
+she wouldn’t have to look at Tris.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+The front door shut finally, rather conspicuously, and a
+small silence fell. They were alone.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“You like my little studio, then?” said Tris.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura dared to look at her then and found that the last
+child was certainly gone and the studio was empty. Awfully
+empty.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Yes, I like it,” she said. She felt the need to excuse her
+presence and she began hurriedly, “I hope you won’t think
+I—”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+But Tris never let her finish. “Shall I dance for you?” she
+said suddenly with such a luminous smile that Laura felt her
+whole body go warm with appreciation. She returned the
+smile. “Yes, please. If you would.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Tris walked to the record changer beside Laura, knelt, and
+slipped a record into place. Then she looked up at Laura, her
+eyes larger and greener than Laura remembered, and infinitely
+<a id="page-42" class="pagenum" title="42"></a>
+lovelier seen so close. She waited there, looking at her visitor,
+until the music began to flow. It was not harsh like the music
+Laura had heard through the door, but languid and rhythmical,
+perhaps even sentimental.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Tris began to move so slowly at first that Laura was hardly
+aware that she was dancing. Her arms, long and tender and
+graceful, began to ripple subtly toward Laura, and then her
+head and body began to sway, and finally her strong legs,
+deceptively slim, moved under her and brought her, whirling
+slowly, to her feet.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+It was a strange dance that flowed and undulated. This
+marvelous body seemed to float and then to sink like mist, and
+at one point Laura had to shut her eyes for a minute, too
+thrilled to bear it. She wanted terribly to reach out, put her
+hands on Tris’s hips, and feel the rhythm move through her
+own body.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+The music stopped. Tris stood poised over Laura, looking
+down at her, and for a moment she remained there, balanced
+delicately and smiling. Laura felt a familiar surge of desire
+and she watched Tris like a cat watching a twitching string,
+ready to pounce if Tris made a sudden move. And yet afraid
+Tris might touch her and startle her passion into the open.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+But Tris relaxed as the needle began its monotonous scratch,
+and she turned off the machine. She sat on the floor then,
+grasping her black-sheathed knees in her arms, one hand holding
+the wrist of the other.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Did you like it?” she said, glancing up, and she seemed
+for a moment to be unsure and distant, as she had been in the
+dress shop.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I thought it was wonderful,” Laura said, herself a little
+shy. “I didn’t know dancing could be like that.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Like what?” Tris demanded suspiciously.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Well—like—I don’t know. It was like nothing I’ve ever
+seen ... as if you were floating. It was beautiful.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Tris softened a little. “Thank you, Laura,” she said. And
+Laura felt a wild confusion of delight at the sound of her own
+name. “I dance very well,” Tris went on oddly. “There is no
+point in false modesty. I hate that sort of thing, don’t you?
+It’s so hypocritical. If you dance well, or do anything else
+well, say so. Be frank. I think men like a girl who is frank.
+Don’t you?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura was taken aback. “Oh, yes,” she affirmed quickly.
+<a id="page-43" class="pagenum" title="43"></a>
+But she stared. <em>She can’t be straight!</em> she thought to herself,
+in a sudden agony of doubt. From the first she had taken it
+for granted that the lovely Indian girl was a Lesbian. It seemed
+so right, perhaps only because Laura wanted it that way. And
+too, Laura always prided herself on being able to tell if a girl
+were homosexual or not. She was sick at the thought that Tris
+might love men.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Tris watched her, interested. “What are you thinking of?”
+she said.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Nothing,” Laura protested uneasily.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“All right. I will not pry.” Tris smiled. “Will you have
+some tea with me?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Thank you.” Laura was glad to ease the tension a little.
+Tris got up and she followed her through the swinging door
+into the kitchen.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Tris made the tea while Laura watched her in a rapture of
+pleasure. “You moved so beautifully,” she blurted, and then
+blushed. “I—I mean, it shows in all your movements. Dancing,
+or walking, or just getting down the teacups.” She laughed.
+“I feel like a clumsy ox, watching you.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“You are wrong,” Tris said. “I have been watching you,
+too. You move well, Laura. You could learn to dance. Would
+you like to learn?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura looked away, confused and delighted but scared. “I’d
+be your worst pupil,” she said.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I find that hard to believe.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“It’s—probably very expensive.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“For you ...,” Tris shrugged and smiled, “nothing,” she
+said.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura turned to look at her, surprised. “Nothing?” she
+repeated.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Or perhaps your friend ... the big one,” Tris added
+softly. “Perhaps she would be interested?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Beebo?” Laura exclaimed. “Oh God no!”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Tris handed her a cup quickly, as if to make her forget the
+suggestion. “Do you like me, Laura?” she said, her green eyes
+too close and her sweet skin redolent of jasmine.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Yes, Tris,” Laura said, saying her name for the first time
+and feeling the fine shivering return to her limbs.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Good.” Tris grinned at her. “That is payment enough.”
+Laura felt suddenly like she had better sit down or she would
+fall down. “You say my name now, that means you feel closer
+<a id="page-44" class="pagenum" title="44"></a>
+to me, hm?” Tris asked.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Yes. A little.” Laura gazed at her, completely confused,
+afraid to move, until Tris gave a little laugh.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Come, we’ll sit in the other room,” she said, and Laura
+once again followed her across the bare studio into the bedroom.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+The room was fitted up Indian fashion with rich red silk
+drapes on the bed. The bed itself was actually more of a low
+couch, very capacious, and covered with tumbled silk cushions.
+There were books and records scattered around, a couple
+of pillows on the floor to take the place of chairs, and a number
+of ashtrays.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“This is my bedroom, my living room, my den, my playroom—whatever
+you want,” Tris said smiling, and sat down
+on the bed. “Come, don’t stand there looking afraid of me,”
+she said, “sit down.” And she patted the bed beside her.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura came and sat there and as she did Tris lay back on
+the cushions and watched her. She put her tea on the floor
+while Laura held hers carefully, anxious about spilling it on
+the lush red silk.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Are you—are you Indian, Tris?” she asked awkwardly,
+turning to look at her.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Tris crossed her black-sheathed legs. “Yes,” she said. “Half
+Indian, at least. My mother was Indian but my father was
+French.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Did you grow up in India?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Yes. In New Delhi. Have you been there?” Her clear eyes
+looked sharply at Laura.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“No. I’ve never been anywhere,” Laura said. “Except New
+York and Chicago. I was born in Chicago.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Is your family there?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Just my father. He’s all the family I have.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Do you see him often?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I never see him.” She looked away, suddenly overwhelmed
+with the thought of her father. She had not seen him for two
+years. Not since she had gone to live with Beebo and admitted
+to him that she was a Lesbian. There had been a terrible scene.
+And then Laura had fled and Merrill Landon, for all she knew,
+had gone back to Chicago.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Is that where your roommate is from? Chicago?” Tris
+asked slowly.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“No. Milwaukee.” Laura turned to frown at her and Tris,
+<a id="page-45" class="pagenum" title="45"></a>
+sensing her reticence, changed the subject. “Would you like
+to see my scrapbook?” she said. Before Laura could answer
+she was off the bed and searching for it among some books
+and papers across the room. She came back and sat next to
+Laura, spreading the green leather book open over their knees
+and putting an arm around Laura’s waist.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“These were all taken six months ago,” she said. “This boy
+is German. Isn’t he handsome? I love blond hair. He’s wonderful
+looking.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+He was indeed. Jack would have appreciated the view more
+than Laura, for he was young and muscular and nearly naked.
+His body had been oiled so that every smooth ripple on arms
+and back and tight hips and long legs was highlighted. He
+had a shock of rich blond hair and particularly handsome
+features, and he was shown in a number of poses: some that
+looked like Muscle Beach shots and others that seemed like
+dance positions.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“He does dance,” Tris said, anticipating Laura’s question.
+“With me. He’s named Paul Cate. We have a lot of routines
+together. We are a sort of—<em>team</em>.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Are you engaged?” Laura asked. It sounded ridiculous
+once it was said, but she found herself unreasonably jealous of
+the boy.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Tris threw her head back and laughed. “Engaged!” she
+exclaimed. “He is a homosexual, Laura.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“A homosexual?” It sounded like fake innocence, even to
+Laura.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+But Tris was too amused to notice. “Yes, of course,” she
+said, still laughing. “Can you imagine two homosexuals getting
+married? Could anything be sillier? What would they
+do with each other?” And her laughter was too hard.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura was shocked at her crude dismissal of the possibility
+of a homosexual marriage, which made her feel instantly protective
+and tender about Jack. But she had said, “Two homosexuals,”
+and Laura’s heart rose. “Are you gay, Tris?” she
+asked, almost in a whisper, afraid to look at her.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Not really.” Tris flipped the words at her casually, turning
+pages in the scrapbook and concentrating on them. Laura
+sensed embarrassment in her concentration.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Either you are or you aren’t,” Laura said, more boldly.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Then I’m not,” said Tris and startled her visitor. “If you
+force me to choose between black and white, I’m white,” she
+<a id="page-46" class="pagenum" title="46"></a>
+explained, and Laura thought she heard a double emphasis
+on the word “white.” “I like men. More than women.” Laura
+was cowed into bewildered silence.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+There were many enticing photographs of Tris. “The photographer
+is a friend of mine,” she told Laura with a smile.
+“He always makes me look good.” There was a series of her
+with the German boy, in dance poses. Tris was so lovely that
+Laura felt the gooseflesh rise up on her with Tris’s breathing
+in her ear and her warmth touching Laura’s arms.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“You would think we were madly in love,” Tris said with
+a little laugh. “Oh, look at this one. This is my former husband.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura did look, hard. “You were married?” she said, unwilling
+to believe it.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Yes. To him. He is handsome, no?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Yes.” He was pictured lying on his side, very much of
+a young athlete, with curly hair and an honest sort of face, a
+little like Jack’s long-lost Terry. He looked Irish. “Was he
+gay, Tris?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Yes,” she said and the annoyance was plain in her voice.
+“It was an ugly mistake. We hated each other after we got
+married. Before that, we were the best of friends. So you see,
+I know what I am saying when I tell you gay marriages are
+hell.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura considered this in silence while Tris turned pages.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Have some dinner with me,” Tris said, piling the pictures
+on the floor at the foot of the bed.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura looked at her watch. It was only seven. Beebo
+wouldn’t be home for another two hours.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I never cook,” Tris said, going across the room to pick up
+the phone. She began to order sandwiches, glancing at Laura
+for suggestions. “They bring them up from the corner shop,”
+she said when she hung up. Laura looked up at her from her
+seat on the bed, and Tris began to move slowly, undulating,
+as if she were musing on a dance.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Where did you learn to dance, Tris?” Laura asked her.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“England. Where do you live?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Cordelia Street. One-twenty-nine.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“With the big one? What did you say her name is?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura felt uncomfortable at the mention of her lover, and
+resentful of Tris’s curiosity about her. “Her name is Beebo,”
+she said rather sullenly.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+<a id="page-47" class="pagenum" title="47"></a>
+“Oh, yes—Beebo!” Tris laughed. “It almost sounds Indian,”
+she said. “Is she nice?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura shrugged. “I guess she is.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“You aren’t sure, hm?” Tris seemed amused. “Are you in
+love with her?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura was reluctant to say no, but determined not to say
+yes. “I—I was,” she admitted finally.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“It is all over, then?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura didn’t like her bright-eyed interest. “We still live
+together,” she said defensively.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Does she still love you?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Yes. Yes, she does,” Laura said sharply, looking Tris
+square in the eye.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I’m sorry,” Tris said softly, her gaze dropping. “I shouldn’t
+pry.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“There are better things to talk about than Beebo,” Laura
+said.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+The food came and they were both relieved to turn to
+something else.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+When the food was gone a quiet little interlude fell when
+Tris simply sat on the bed and watched Laura and Laura
+wandered idly around the room.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+There was a terrible growing excitement in Laura. She
+felt she must run, escape somehow, get out of the studio before
+she made a fool of herself and an enemy of Tris. She turned
+at last and looked down at Tris. There was only one lamp lit
+in the room, and in the pale pink light Tris looked even riper
+and lovelier than she did in bright daylight.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Tris, I—I have to go,” Laura said. “It’s getting late. I had
+a lovely time....”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Then why go?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I must. I shouldn’t have come, really.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Will Beebo be angry with you?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“She isn’t home yet.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Then you don’t have to go yet. I’ll bet she has a fine temper.”
+She waited for an answer, but Laura ignored her remark.
+She was thinking only of the possibility of staying longer. Her
+heart fluttered with the temptation. She was afraid of Beebo
+and yet, in another way, even more afraid of Tris.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Come sit beside me,” Tris urged her, whispering. And
+Laura, unable to refuse her, came slowly toward the bed, as if
+she were in a trance, and sat down. Tris leaned back into the
+<a id="page-48" class="pagenum" title="48"></a>
+pillows, her hand on Laura’s arm, and pulled Laura after her.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura lay on her back next to Tris for a while, breathing
+softly, nervously aware of the sound of her breath. She held
+herself in as if she expected to explode. She was tense and the
+sweat rolled down her body, and yet she was happy, very
+happy.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+They lay that way for some time, silent, gazing at the
+ceiling, neither one speaking, yet neither able to relax. At last
+Tris took Laura’s hand in her own warm brown one and
+said, “You’re afraid of me, aren’t you, Laura?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+There was a slight pause, almost a panic, while Laura tried
+to collect herself. “Yes,” she mumbled at last.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Why?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“You’re so beautiful....” Laura fumbled.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Does beauty frighten you?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Yes. I don’t know why. Maybe because I never had it.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Tris chuckled, a sweet throaty sound, and said, “Who ever
+told you that?” And it occurred to Laura, strangely, that
+Tris spoke without any accent at all. It sounded clear and
+plain, like Laura’s own English. But it was only a quick impression
+and it passed. She thought Tris was teasing her,
+imitating her.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Don’t kid me,” she said.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Take your hair down, Laura,” Tris said, her fingers playing
+with the prim bun at the back of Laura’s head. Her hair
+had grown so long—Beebo wouldn’t let her cut it—that she
+was obliged to roll it up one way or another in the back. It
+hung nearly to her waist when it was loose. She took the pins
+out of it now, raising herself on one elbow to accomplish the
+job. Tris helped her and the roll of hair came free suddenly
+and fell around Laura’s shoulders like silk streamers, pale
+gold and scented. Tris took a handful of it, pressing it to
+her face.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“How lovely!” she exclaimed. “Lovely blond hair....”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+She put her hands on Laura’s shoulders and pushed her
+down into the pillows, bending over her to study her face. “I
+think you’re very pretty,” she said, and made Laura smile.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I don’t believe you,” she said.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I’ll bet Beebo thinks you’re very pretty, too.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Please, Tris. Let’s not talk about Beebo.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Tris leaned down and kissed her forehead very softly.
+“Now do you believe me?” she asked.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+<a id="page-49" class="pagenum" title="49"></a>
+Laura stared at her, her heart suddenly pounding. “No,”
+she said in a whisper.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Tris kissed her cheeks, so lightly that Laura could hardly
+feel it. “Now?” she said.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“No,” Laura breathed.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+And Tris kissed her lips. Laura lay beneath her, too thrilled
+to move, only letting the lovely shock flow through her body
+and closing her eyes to feel it better. At last Tris moved away—only
+a breath away—and she said, “Now?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Tris ...” she murmured and all the melody of suppressed
+passion sang in the name. Her hands went up to Tris’s bare
+arms, over the bandeau and down that silky midriff, and then
+they went around Tris’s waist and pulled her close and kissed
+her.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+It was a long kiss, so leisurely, so lovely, that Laura never
+wanted it to end. And when it did she followed Tris, laughing,
+all over the bed, kissing her wherever she could reach her,
+feeling Tris’s fine body move beneath her hands and the fire
+of her own longing bursting in her bosom.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Suddenly Tris got off the bed and stood looking at Laura
+and trying to catch her breath. “No,” she said. “No! That’s
+enough! It’s late.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura stared at her, amazed. “What do you mean?” she
+asked. “Tris, come here. Come to me. Don’t do this to me.
+Tris!”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+But Tris pulled her off the bed with sudden strength.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Tris, it’s only nine-thirty,” Laura said.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Nine-thirty? Is it that late? Laura, you must excuse me.”
+She was transformed. All the play and warmth had gone out
+of her.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“But—” Laura began, but Tris interrupted sharply, “Time
+for you to go home to Beebo.” There was no smile on her face.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura looked at her incredulously a minute longer, her
+cheeks burning, and then she smoothed her clothes out with
+lowered eyes. She was too proud and too hurt to speak. She
+walked noiselessly to one of the mirrors, taking her purse with
+her, and ran a comb through her long hair.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+She stared at herself—her flushed face and trembling fingers,
+her body so ready for love only moments ago and now
+weak with denial and outraged nerves. Two feet of unpinned
+hair hung down her back to remind her of Tris’s admiration.
+But it would take five minutes to get it up again properly.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+<a id="page-50" class="pagenum" title="50"></a>
+Laura looked into the mirror over her own shoulder at Tris,
+who was standing on one foot and then the other, bent forward
+slightly and obviously waiting for Laura to get out of
+her way. What secret activities would occupy her as soon as
+she got rid of Laura? Her impatience was audible in her sharp
+breathing. Laura dared not risk her displeasure by taking the
+time to wind up her hair. She simply turned and walked out
+of the bedroom without a backward glance, without a word.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+At the front door her heart jumped when Tris called after
+her. Laura turned to find her running lightly across the bare
+studio and she waited, holding her feelings in warily.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Tris stopped at the door. “I’m sorry,” she said self-consciously.
+“I didn’t know it was so late. I have something to do
+tonight, it slipped my mind.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura looked at her haughtily. “Goodnight, Tris,” was all
+she said. When she turned to walk down the stairs Tris added,
+“Say hello to your bad-tempered roommate for me.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Incensed, Laura almost ran out the door below.
+</p>
+
+<div class="chapter">
+
+<h2 class="chapter" id="chapter-0-4">
+<a id="page-51" class="pagenum" title="51"></a>
+4
+</h2>
+
+</div>
+
+<p class="first">
+Laura walked home as full of hope as of frustration and
+anger. Tris had treated her badly but she had treated her
+beautifully too. With a little start of alarm, Laura knew she
+was falling in love. Maybe it was worse than that already.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+It was a dark soft night with no moon, only the dozens
+of quiet yellow streetlights. Her heels rang against the cement
+sidewalk as she turned down Cordelia Street and she left the
+world outside with regret when she opened her apartment
+door.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+She knew Beebo would be there by now. <em>If she’s only not
+drunk</em>, she thought to herself. “Beebo?” she called aloud. She
+heard a little groan from the bedroom and went toward it
+with a sinking feeling. <em>She couldn’t be drunk already. She’d
+only been home forty-five minutes. Unless she cut work again.
+God forbid!</em>
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura walked across the living room slowly, in no hurry to
+face the argument that would result if Beebo was full of
+whiskey and had been sitting there fuming because Laura was
+late. Beebo would have been phoning all over the neighborhood
+for her—a practice Laura abhorred but couldn’t break
+her of. She touched her long loose hair nervously, wondering
+what Beebo would say when she saw it.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura pushed open the bedroom door. The first thing she
+saw was Nix—Nix, lying on the floor with his belly slit open
+from jaws to tail. Beside him was a crimson chef’s knife. Laura
+recognized it from the kitchen.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+She stared at him for a full ten seconds in a paralysis of
+horror. Then she screamed with a force she had never suspected
+in herself. She turned back to the wall with her hands
+over her face and sobbed with all her strength. And while her
+face was hidden she heard another groan and knew it was
+Beebo, and she was too terrified even to open her eyes and
+look.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Beebo?” she whispered, and her voice was rough with
+fear. “Beebo?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+<a id="page-52" class="pagenum" title="52"></a>
+Another sickening groan, and suddenly Beebo’s voice saying
+confusedly, “Laura? Baby, where are you? Laura....” It
+faded out and Laura brought her hands away from her face
+quickly and looked around the room, carefully avoiding Nix.
+Beebo was on the bed.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Her clothes were torn—what few she still had on. Her shirt
+was in shreds and the jacket appeared to be ripped down the
+back, though she was lying on most of it and Laura couldn’t
+be sure. She had nothing on from the waist down and there
+were several ugly bruises on her body. Laura felt nausea well
+in her. Beebo’s face was not so badly hurt. There was a cut
+over one eye that was beginning to swell but that seemed to
+be all. Laura clapped her hands over her mouth and stood
+weaving by the bed, afraid to leave and afraid to stay, feeling
+the sandwiches she had just shared with Tris like a load of
+poison in her stomach. Until Beebo opened her eyes and looked
+at her.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Laura!” she said, with such passionate relief that Laura
+went to her instantly and threw her arms around her and
+wept.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+She could feel Beebo’s tears on her face and she hugged her
+tight in a frenzy of sympathy and sorrow and whispered over
+and over, “Beebo, darling. Beebo, darling.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+It was a long time before either of them made sense; a long
+time before either could speak. Laura finally raised herself on
+one elbow so she could see Beebo better.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“What’s the matter with me?” she said softly. “I should
+be taking care of you. Crying isn’t going to do you any good.”
+She started to get up but Beebo caught her, and Laura was
+heartened to feel the strength in her arms.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Stay with me, baby,” she said, almost fiercely.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Let me clean you up, Beebo. Let me make you comfortable.
+Please, sweetheart.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Laura, I don’t need anything but you. Just let me feel you
+lying beside me and I’ll get over it somehow. I won’t lose my
+mind. If you’ll just stay with me. Please.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+There were tears in her voice and rather than make her
+more miserable, Laura obeyed. She put her arms around Beebo
+and cuddled against her in a way she had almost forgotten.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Beebo, can you talk about it, darling? Can you tell me
+what happened?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Not now. Not yet.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+<a id="page-53" class="pagenum" title="53"></a>
+“I think you ought to see a doctor. You’ve got some awful-looking
+bruises.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“You’re my doctor.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Beebo, I’m scared. I don’t even know what happened to
+you. I want to call a doctor,” she said urgently.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I don’t <em>need</em> a doctor,” Beebo declared.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Please tell me what happened,” Laura pleaded. She lay
+at the edge of the bed, her face away from the floor and the
+grisly spectacle of the little dog she had never liked very well
+and now felt such a horrified pity for.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“It’s an old story,” Beebo said, her voice tired and bitter,
+but curiously resigned. “I don’t know why it didn’t happen
+to me years sooner. Nearly every butch I know gets it one
+way or another. Sooner or later they catch up with you.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Who catches up with you?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“The goddam sonofabitch toughs who think it’s smart to
+pick fights with Lesbians. They ask you who the hell do you
+think you are, going around in pants all the time. They say
+if you’re going to wear pants and act like a man you can damn
+well fight like a man. And they jump you for laughs....
+God.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Her hand went up to her face which was contorted with
+remembered pain and fury. After a silence of several minutes
+while she composed herself a little she resumed briefly, “So
+they jumped me. They followed me home, hollering all the
+way. I hollered back. I—I was pretty tight and it was pretty
+noisy. I should have been more careful. I shouldn’t have
+brought them here, but I knew you wouldn’t be home so soon....
+I didn’t work today, baby.” She said it guiltily, and Laura
+knew it meant she had <a id="corr-5"></a>spent the day at Julian’s or the Cellar
+or one of the other homosexual bars. But she didn’t condemn
+her or shout, “You’ll lose your job!” as she would have another
+time. She only listened in silence.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“So anyway,” Beebo said, after an awkward pause, “I came
+home early. About four-thirty, I guess. They just followed
+me in. Oh, I got in the apartment all right and slammed the
+door and locked it. But one of them came up the fire escape
+and he let the others in. Gave me this.” She pointed to the cut
+under her eye, and Laura kissed it. “I thought I’d gotten rid
+of them, baby, but those bastards followed me right up here
+and tried to prove what men they are.” She spat the words
+out as if they had a bad taste and then she stopped, looking
+<a id="page-54" class="pagenum" title="54"></a>
+at Laura to see how she was taking it. And Laura, lying next
+to her and holding her tight, was overwhelmed with helpless
+anger and pity and even a sort of love for Beebo.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Beebo felt Laura clinging to her and the flow of sympathy
+warmed and encouraged her. Finally she said, softly, as if the
+whole thing had been her fault and she was ashamed of it,
+“I’m not a virgin any more, Laura. Don’t ever let a man touch
+you.” She said it vehemently, her fingers digging into the submissive
+girl at her side and her hurt face turned to Laura’s.
+Laura let out a little sob and pulled closer to her.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Beebo, darling,” she said in a broken voice, “I can’t stand
+to think of it. I can’t stand to think of how it must have hurt.
+I know I’m a coward, I can’t help it.” And then, in her anxiety
+to heal the bitter misery of it, she blurted, “I love you, Beebo.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Beebo pulled her very close and lifted her face and kissed
+it delicately, almost reverently, for a very long time. At last
+she whispered, her lips against Laura’s lips, “I adore you,
+Laura. You’re my life. Stay with me, stay with me, don’t ever
+leave me. I can stand this, I can stand anything, if you’re with
+me. Swear you’ll stay with me, darling.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura’s voice stuck in her throat. She couldn’t refuse. And
+yet she knew full well she would be swearing to a lie. It made
+her hide her face in painful indecision for a moment.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Swear,” Beebo demanded imperiously. “Swear, Laura!”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I swear,” Laura sobbed. She felt Beebo relax then with a
+sigh, running her hands through Laura’s hair.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Beebo gave a faint little laugh. “I never thought anything
+so rotten ugly could have a good side,” she murmured. “But if
+it’s brought us back together, I’m glad it happened. It was
+worth it.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura was shocked. Beebo sounded a little unbalanced.
+“You can’t be grateful for anything that horrible, Beebo,” she
+protested. “You <em>can’t</em>, not if you’re in your right mind.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“You can if you’re as much in love as I am!” Beebo said,
+looking at her. Laura was shamed into silence.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+After a little while, Laura raised herself on an elbow.
+“Beebo, I’m going to call a doctor.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“You’re going to do no such goddam silly thing.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura lost her patience. “Now you listen to me, you stubborn
+idiot!” she exclaimed. “You’ve been badly hurt. It’s just
+madness not to have medical help, Beebo. You know that as
+well as I do. Don’t argue with me!” She cut Beebo off as she
+<a id="page-55" class="pagenum" title="55"></a>
+was about to protest. “Besides,” Laura went on, “you might
+want to prosecute them. How could you prove anything without
+medical evidence?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“<em>Prosecute?</em>” Beebo stared at her and then she gave a short,
+sharp laugh. “Are you kidding? Who’s going to mourn for
+the lost virtue of a Lesbian? What lawyer is going to make a
+case for a poor queer gone wrong? Everybody will think I got
+what I deserved.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura stared at her, disbelieving. “Beebo,” she said finally,
+as if she were explaining a simple fact to a slow beginner,
+“you don’t go into court and say, ‘I am a Lesbian.’ You don’t
+go to a lawyer and say it. You don’t say it to <em>anybody</em>, you
+nut! You say, ‘I’m a poor innocent girl and I was criminally
+assaulted and hurt and raped and I have medical proof of it
+and I can identify the man who did it!’”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Beebo turned on her side and laughed, and her laughter
+made Laura want to weep. “Not man, Bo-peep,” she said
+when she got her breath. “<em>Men.</em> Bastards, every last one. There
+were four of them.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura moaned, an involuntary sound of revulsion.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“No thanks, baby,” Beebo said, her voice suddenly tired.
+“I’ve got enough trouble in the world without advertising that
+I’m gay. I always knew this would happen and I always knew
+what I’d do about it ... just exactly nothing. Because there’s
+nothing I <em>can</em> do. It’s part of the crazy life I live. A sort of
+occupational hazard, you might say.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura pleaded with her. “I just want to be sure they didn’t
+do you some awful harm you don’t know about, darling!” she
+said. “I’m no doctor, I can’t give you anything but bandaids
+and sponge baths and love.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“That’s all in the world I want, baby,” Beebo smiled. “I’ll
+get well in no time.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+But Laura was too genuinely frightened to let it go at that.
+“What if they come back?” she asked. “Then they’d get us both.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“No, they wouldn’t,” Beebo said and her face became hard.
+“Because I’d kill any man who laid a hand on you. Any man.
+I don’t care how. I wouldn’t ask any questions. I’d do it with
+whatever was handy—a knife or my own hands.” Laura
+started, staring at her. “No man will ever touch you, Laura,
+and live. I swear.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura went pale, wondering how Beebo would react to a
+<a id="page-56" class="pagenum" title="56"></a>
+marriage between herself and Jack; wondering how much
+violence she was capable of. “All right, Beebo,” she said.
+“Will you—just tell me one thing? Why won’t you see a
+doctor?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Beebo turned away from her then, petulant as a child. “I
+haven’t seen a doctor in twenty years, Bo-peep,” she said.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Why?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Beebo sighed. “Because they might find out I’m a woman,”
+she said quietly.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura covered her face with her hands and cried in silence.
+It was futile. Beebo <em>was</em> a woman, no matter how many pairs
+of pants hung in her closet, no matter how she swaggered or
+swore. And while she could fool some people into thinking
+she was a boy, there were a lot more she couldn’t fool, and to
+them she looked foolish and rather pathetic. But Beebo was
+too sick to argue with. Laura was afraid of the way she talked,
+of the harsh way she laughed.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“We’ll talk about it in the morning,” she said.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“We won’t talk about it at all,” Beebo said, facing the wall,
+her back to Laura. “Where were you tonight, Laura?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura swallowed convulsively before she could answer. “I
+was at the movies,” she said.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+She waited for Beebo to question her further, but there was
+no questioning.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I guess I’d better wash,” Beebo said. She rolled over and
+looked at Laura. “Do you really love me, baby?” she asked,
+and her eyes were deep and clouded.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Yes,” said Laura with a sad little smile, afraid to say
+anything else.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Beebo gazed at her for a while, returning the smile. “Thank
+God,” she whispered, her hand caressing Laura’s shoulder.
+And then she said, “Where’s Nix?” She started to get out of
+bed but Laura stopped her.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“They hurt him, Beebo,” she stammered.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Hurt him? How?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“They—darling, I don’t know how to tell you—please,
+Beebo!” she cried in sudden fear as Beebo pushed past her.
+She stopped at the edge of the bed, staring with huge eyes at
+her little pet.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I didn’t realize—it was so bad,” Beebo blurted inanely.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“He’s dead,” Laura whispered.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Oh. Oh, that was too much. Too much....” Beebo stared
+<a id="page-57" class="pagenum" title="57"></a>
+at him, her face almost stupid with sorrow. She didn’t scream
+as Laura had, or turn away sick. She just gaped at him for a
+while with Laura clinging to her and murmuring, “It’s all
+right, darling, it’s all right,” because she didn’t know what
+else to say.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Beebo got off the bed and went to him, kneeling beside the
+ruined little body, and picked him up in her arms.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Beebo looked at Laura with the blood running all over her
+and there was grief on her face. “He was just a dog,” she
+moaned. “Such a little dog. There was nothing queer about
+<em>him</em>!... And he could talk, too.” She almost shouted it and
+Laura waited, trembling, for her to move.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“He was so sweet, Laura,” she said with tears coursing down
+her face. “You never liked him much, but he was such a good
+dog.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I loved him, Beebo, he was a part of your life,” Laura
+protested anxiously.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+But Beebo ignored it. It was half a lie, spoken in affection,
+but still a lie. “I could always talk to him and it seemed as if
+he understood,” Beebo said. “I know you thought I was crazy.
+But there were times when I had to talk to somebody and
+there wasn’t anybody. Only Nix. I had him for seven years
+... since he was six weeks old.” And she clutched him to her
+and wept and Laura looked at her, all bloodied and heartbroken,
+and thought, <em>She feels worse about the dog than about
+herself</em>.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Now that he’s gone ... at least we’ll have one less thing
+to fight about.” Beebo looked very pale and odd. “Won’t we,
+baby?” she said.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I—I guess so,” Laura said. <em>She’s cracked!</em> she thought.
+She went into the living room then, leaving Beebo alone for a
+few minutes, and called Jack. He was alone.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Jack, I don’t know how to tell you. I—they raped Beebo.”
+Her voice was low and shaky.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Jack wasn’t sure whether she was kidding or not. He wasn’t
+even sure he heard her right. “Lucky bitch,” he said. “I wish
+they’d rape me instead. I’m never in the right place at the
+right time.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I’m serious, Jack.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+And when he heard the catch in her throat he believed her.
+“<em>Who</em> raped her, sweetheart?” he said, and the levity was dead
+gone from him.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+<a id="page-58" class="pagenum" title="58"></a>
+“She doesn’t know. Some hoods. God knows who they
+were.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Did you call a doctor?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“She won’t let me!” Laura’s voice rose with indignation.
+“Of all the nonsense I ever heard in my life! She’s afraid the
+doctor will find out she’s a female. I think we’re all going
+crazy—” But she felt Beebo’s hand then taking the phone
+from her, and she surrendered it without arguing and went
+to the couch and collapsed.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Jack?” Beebo said. “I’m all right. It looks worse than it
+really is. I’ll live.” The front of her was sticky with Nix’s
+blood.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“You talk like it happens all the time,” Jack said with
+scolding sympathy. “Like getting you teeth drilled, or something.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Beebo smiled wryly. “How is it you always know just what
+to say to a girl, Jackson? Make her feel real swell?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“How is it that you’re such a goddam prude you won’t
+let a doctor examine you? The doctor doesn’t give a damn what
+sex you are.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“They killed Nix.” She threw it at him unexpectedly,
+silencing him about the doctor. And she described him with
+such detail that Laura didn’t want to listen. She got up and
+went into the bedroom to escape the conversation.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Beebo joined Laura on the bed ten minutes later, wearing
+her men’s cotton pajamas. Laura was too tired and weak to
+move. Beebo undressed her where she lay on the bed and
+dragged her under the covers naked.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I don’t know what to do with Nix,” she said. “I’ll have to
+figure something out in the morning.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+They lay in each other’s arms, absorbed in their own
+thoughts. Laura’s mind was a potpourri of vivid impressions.
+She would never forget the bloody little dog, nor the fragrant
+skin of the Indian dancer, nor Beebo’s misery, nor those sinfully
+sweet kisses she stole from Tris....
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Jack’s coming over tomorrow,” Beebo said in her ear.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Good.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Why ‘good’?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“He’ll help us. He’ll make you see a doctor and he’ll do
+something about Nix. I don’t know, I just feel better with him
+around.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“If I didn’t know for goddam sure how gay you are, baby,
+<a id="page-59" class="pagenum" title="59"></a>
+I’d hate that guy.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura had to laugh. “Beebo, if you get jealous of Jack I’ll
+send you to a head shrinker.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Okay, okay, I know it’s nuts. But you talk about him all
+the time.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I’m very fond of Jack. You know that. He brought us
+together, darling.” And she said it so gently that Beebo clasped
+her tighter and was reassured.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura slept, finally. But Beebo could not. She spent the
+night with her arms around Laura, taking her only comfort
+in Laura’s nearness and the sudden apparent return of her
+affection.
+</p>
+
+<p class="tb">
+* * *
+</p>
+
+<p class="noindent">
+Jack came at eight-thirty. It was a Saturday morning and he
+had the day to spend. With his usual detachment he wrapped
+Nix up while Beebo was dressing. He carted him down the
+stairs in a garbage pail and left him for the morning pickup
+in a trash bin, well hidden in a shroud of papers. When Beebo
+came into the kitchen a few minutes later he just said, “He’s
+gone. Don’t ask me about it, Beebo. It’s all over.” He found
+it almost as hard to talk about as she did.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Damn you, Jack,” Beebo said feebly. But she was glad he
+had done it for her. She felt lousy. All the excitement and
+anger that had sustained her the night before were gone,
+leaving a lassitude and nausea that swept over her in waves.
+Laura made her go back to bed and fed her breakfast from
+a tray.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Don’t leave me, baby,” Beebo begged and Laura promised
+to stay near by. But as soon as Beebo had swallowed a little
+food and kept it down, she fell asleep, and Jack pulled Laura
+to her feet and dragged her, whispering protests, into the
+kitchen.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“How can I talk to you in there?” he demanded and fixed
+them both some coffee.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura drank in silence, listening to his rambling talk with
+one ear, gratefully. She thought of Tris and wondered whether
+to confess to Jack about the dancer or keep it a secret. She
+knew he wouldn’t like it.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Beebo acted kind of crazy last night,” Laura said. “I think
+she felt worse about Nix than about herself.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“No doubt she did. But pretty soon she’ll feel her own aches
+and pains. Maybe I can find her another hound somewhere. I
+<a id="page-60" class="pagenum" title="60"></a>
+just hope to God she doesn’t use this thing to make a prisoner
+of you, Mother.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“A prisoner?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“She was getting pretty desperate about you, you know.
+I think that has a lot to do with all the drinking.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura realized then that he didn’t put a shot of booze in
+his coffee. “You’re still on the wagon!” she said.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+He swirled his coffee reflectively. “I remember,” he said,
+“when Terry was giving me the works a few months back.
+I nearly drank myself to extinction. Beebo’s not above trying
+it herself.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Oh, God, that was awful!” Laura said, remembering
+Terry.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Terry had been enough to drive a strong man mad. If he
+had been nasty about it Jack could have stood it better. He
+could have preserved his self-respect and he might have had
+the strength to kick Terry out sooner than he did. But Terry
+was nice. He was delightful and cooperative. He was unfaithful,
+he was taking every cent Jack made as Jack made it,
+and he was hardly ever home.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+But Jack was in love with him; angrily in love with the
+wrong person, sticking to a doomed attachment as if every
+new shock and every unexpected pain only strengthened his
+need for the boy.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Jack knew it was hopeless. He knew it was draining his
+strength and making a coward of him. In his mind the whole
+sad farce of the thing was perfectly clear. But he acted on
+his emotions in spite of himself, and as long as Terry loved
+him he couldn’t let him go.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Curiously enough, Terry did love him. Jack was home
+base to him; Jack was security. Jack paid the bills and bolstered
+him when he was low, and no matter how rough and rotten
+the rest of the world might get, good old Jack was always
+there, always the same.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+But the end had to come. There was never enough money,
+there was never enough understanding, there was never
+enough of the right kind of love. It took just one sharp
+explosion of acid resentment one night, when Jack caught
+Terry cheating after two years of bitter suspicions, to blow
+them apart. It was almost too painful to think about afterwards.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+It was over now, of course. Terry was gone. But the ache
+<a id="page-61" class="pagenum" title="61"></a>
+for him and the loneliness, even the desire to be tormented
+remained.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“You never heard from Terry, did you?” Laura asked.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“No. He took his things and left and I haven’t heard from
+him since. Makes me think he must have left New York.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Do you still want him?” She asked it not to hurt him but
+because she knew he had to say it now and then or die of it.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Of course I want him,” he said briefly. “Drink your coffee.
+Your patient is howling for attention.”
+</p>
+
+<div class="chapter">
+
+<h2 class="chapter" id="chapter-0-5">
+<a id="page-62" class="pagenum" title="62"></a>
+5
+</h2>
+
+</div>
+
+<p class="first">
+<em>Three weeks</em>, Laura wrote in her diary, sitting in the living
+room while Beebo slept. <em>Three weeks of this, and if it goes on
+much longer I’ll end up hating her. I felt so sorry for her at
+first. It was such a cruel thing and it hurt her terribly. But
+she’s well now—I know she is. She’s lying around getting fat
+and drinking like a fish and not working. If she doesn’t get
+back to work soon I’ll lose my mind. And she’ll lose her job for
+sure. They’ve been calling all week.</em>
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura hadn’t minded being a nurse at first. She tended
+Beebo gently and made her rest and, being unsure herself
+and hounded by her patient to forget it, she never did call a
+doctor. But Beebo seemed to come out of it fast. Physically
+the scars healed quickly. At the end of a week she was up
+and around. She hadn’t had a drink since the day it happened,
+and she talked about going back to work the next Monday.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+But then Laura came home late one evening and she found
+Beebo drunk.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Where the hell have you been?” Beebo shouted at her
+when Laura came in and found her in the kitchen. “I’m sick
+and miserable, I’ve just been through hell, and you can’t even
+come home from work to make my dinner for me.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Confronted with such a bombardment of nonsense, Laura
+wouldn’t even answer her. She undressed and took a shower,
+but Beebo followed her into the bathroom and went right on
+yelling. Laura had pulled the shower curtain but Beebo opened
+it and watched her bathe.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Laura,” she said, “where were you?” No answer. “Tell me.
+<em>Tell</em> me, damn it!” It was an order.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Ask me like a civilized human being, then,” Laura said,
+turning around to rinse her soapy back.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I’ll ask you any way I goddam please. I have a right to
+know.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura turned the water off and eyed her coldly. “I had
+dinner with Jack,” she said. “He dropped in after work.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I don’t believe you.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+<a id="page-63" class="pagenum" title="63"></a>
+“Call him.” She stepped out of her bath, cool and dripping
+and haughty as a princess, and Beebo burned for her.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I don’t believe a word he says. He always lies for you.
+No matter what I ask him he’s always got an answer. I used
+to like the guy, but Jesus, it’s gotten so I can’t trust him any
+more. He’s always on your side.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura wrapped herself in a towel and began to rub herself,
+but Beebo suddenly put her whiskey down and clasped her in
+a bear hug.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Laura, darling, I felt so rotten today. And I looked forward
+so much to having you home. It’s so quiet and lonesome
+around here all day without Nix. I nearly go mad. Baby, I
+know I’ve taken up a lot of your time, but I couldn’t help it.
+I didn’t <em>ask</em> those bastards to rape me.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura relaxed slightly in the embrace, since she couldn’t
+squirm out of it. “You felt better today, not worse, Beebo.
+You told me so this morning.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“That was this morning. I got worse this afternoon,” she
+said petulantly.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“You got worse at exactly five-thirty when I was fifteen
+minutes late.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Where <em>were</em> you?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“With Jack. Beebo, you’ve been drinking. You promised me
+you wouldn’t.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“If you’d been home I wouldn’t have to!” Beebo released
+her abruptly, picked up the whiskey glass with a swoop of
+her hand, and defiantly finished what was in it.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura cinched the towel around herself and approached
+Beebo. “Do you know what you’re saying, you nut?” she said.
+“You big fool? Beebo, answer me!” But Beebo turned her
+back and watched Laura with glittering eyes in the mirror
+on the medicine chest.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“You’re saying that you can’t stay sober without me, Beebo.
+Do you realize that?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I can’t stay sober if you don’t love me, Laura.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Oh, damn you, Beebo!” Laura almost wept with frustration.
+“You’re only saying that to make me feel guilty. To put
+the blame on <em>me</em> instead of on yourself where it belongs! I
+didn’t give you your first drink, God knows. I don’t ply you
+with liquor. You’ve fixed it with your conscience so no matter
+when you get drunk it’s my fault. No matter how much you
+drink, you’re only drinking because Laura is such a bitch.
+<a id="page-64" class="pagenum" title="64"></a>
+Well, I won’t buy it! It’s a damn plot to make a prisoner of
+me!”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“A prisoner! Now where did little Bo-peep get that fancy
+idea?” Beebo’s eyes were narrow and sharp in spite of the
+whiskey. Her anger brought clarity with it. “That sounds like
+the kind of propaganda Jack would spout.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“No—” Laura began, but Beebo silenced her with a menacing
+wave of her hand. Laura found herself trapped against
+the bathroom door.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Beebo put a hand up on the door on either side of Laura
+and looked down at her. “Now, suppose you just tell me what
+Jack said,” she said.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“What makes you think Jack said it? I can think for myself
+and you know it. And I <em>am</em> a prisoner here!”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“You can’t think for yourself when Jack’s around. That
+bastard is the Pied Piper of Greenwich Village. He opens his
+yap and all the little fairies listen pop-eyed to whatever he
+has to say. Including you.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura looked at her and found herself caught by Beebo’s
+spell again. Beebo was born to lose her temper. She looked
+wonderful when she did. It exasperated Laura to feel a bare
+animal desire for her at times like this.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Jack said it. Come on. Jack said it, didn’t he?” Beebo
+insisted.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“All right!” Laura almost screamed. “Jack said it!”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+She looked up at Beebo with embarrassed desire and to
+make her shame complete, Beebo saw it. And she knew she
+was in command again, even if only for an hour or so. Beebo
+was learning to live for those hours. The rest of the time
+nothing much mattered.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Beebo shifted support of her leaning body from her arms
+to Laura, lifted up Laura’s angry helpless face and kissed it.
+“Why aren’t you like this all the time?” she asked. And Laura
+startled her when she echoed, “Why aren’t <em>you</em> like this all
+the time?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Like what, baby? Drunk?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“No ...,” Laura hesitated. She didn’t quite understand
+what she meant herself.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Mad?” Beebo asked.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I don’t know.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Beebo laughed. “If it’ll help I’ll get mad and stay mad,
+Bo-peep. I’ll get drunk and stay drunk. Would you like that?”
+<a id="page-65" class="pagenum" title="65"></a>
+She interspersed her words with kisses.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“No. I just—I hate it when you act like a spoiled brat,
+Beebo.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I never act like a spoiled brat.” Her voice was little more
+than a whisper now.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+They sank to the floor where they were and made love then.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+And even after Laura had finally fallen asleep, in her arms,
+Beebo felt a tide of renewed passion. She caressed Laura’s hair
+and back with her hands and thought, <em>If it can be this good
+it’s not over</em>.
+</p>
+
+<p class="tb">
+* * *
+</p>
+
+<p class="noindent">
+Laura had left work meaning to go straight home. But as
+before she hadn’t gone far when she knew she was headed
+for Tris’s little studio.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Tris opened the door herself. She had evidently been practicing
+for she was dressed in tights and breathing hard. Her
+black hair was smoothed over her head, caught in back with
+a clasp and braided. The braid, heavy and shining, hung halfway
+down her back and swung like a whip when she whirled.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Tris paused for a moment when she saw Laura on her
+threshold and for an awful second Laura thought she might
+turn her away. But Tris smiled suddenly and said, “Laura.
+How nice. Please come in.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I just dropped by to say hello,” Laura apologized.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“That is not all, I hope?” Tris said, looking at her.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura felt an odd little twist of excitement. “Well ... I
+shouldn’t stay. I don’t want to interrupt your work.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Of course you do. That’s why you came,” Tris said, spinning
+reflectively in place, her weight shifting delicately to pull
+her around and around.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura didn’t know if she was being scolded or teased, if she
+should leave or stay. Tris stopped twirling and said, “I’m glad
+you came. I didn’t want to work any more anyway.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura hesitated, wondering whether to believe her. But
+when Tris walked across the room to her and kissed her cheek
+she melted suddenly with pleasure. She stood quietly and let
+herself be kissed, afraid to return the compliment. She was
+very unsure of herself with Tris. Even the gentlest gesture
+seemed to irritate the dancer sometimes. Laura could only let
+her take the lead.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Tris turned away abruptly, her mood shifting. “Well, now
+you are here,” she said in her careful English. “What would
+<a id="page-66" class="pagenum" title="66"></a>
+you like to do?” It was a sort of challenge.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I—I’d like to see you dance, Tris. Would you dance for
+me?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“No.” She was pouting. “You are my excuse for not dancing
+any more today, Laura.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Maybe we could just talk for a little while, then.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“We could ... but we won’t.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura was at a loss for words. She stammered a little and
+finally she blurted, “I think you’d rather have me go home.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I think Beebo would like you home more than I would.
+She doesn’t let you out very often, does she?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura colored. “She’s not my jailkeeper,” she said.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I don’t like this—this interference you force me to make
+in your love affair, Laura,” Tris said and surprised her guest.
+“I don’t know your Beebo, but I have nothing against her.
+Still, I do not imagine she will like <em>me</em> very well if she finds
+out you are my guest now and then.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“What do you care whether Beebo likes you or not?” Laura
+demanded, startled.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Tris broke into a charming smile then, as if to placate her
+visitor. “I want everybody to like me,” she said. “I suppose
+it is a compulsion left from my childhood.” And, as if she
+had made a guilty admission, she turned away abruptly saying,
+“Let’s go into the kitchen. If I stand in here I will feel
+obliged to dance.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura followed her and sat down self-consciously. Tris
+fixed a plate of cookies and gave her a glass of milk. She smiled.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I am hard to know, Laura. I am not very gracious. But I
+like your company.” Her smile was as warm and luscious as
+ripe fruit in the sun.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+They finished the food over small talk about men. Laura was
+lost, silent. She just nodded agreement and listened with
+dismay. <em>She’s trying to tell me she doesn’t like girls</em>, she
+thought. <em>But it’s a lie!</em>
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Tris rinsed the plates, watching herself all the while in one
+mirror or another. It was as if she felt herself on exhibition all
+the time, as if all those mirrors were scattered around to
+remind her of her own beauty.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Tris dried her hands and turned to face Laura. There was
+an awkward pause and Laura realized suddenly that she was
+supposed to get up and leave. They had had their small talk.
+She had been served food. That was all she could reasonably
+<a id="page-67" class="pagenum" title="67"></a>
+expect from her hostess, especially since she was an uninvited
+guest. She felt her heart contract a little in disappointment,
+and she thought with a flash of yearning of the intimacies of
+her last visit.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+But she was too proud to overstay her welcome, especially
+after the way Tris had shown her the door last time. So she
+got up and said, “Thanks Tris. I have to go.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Oh?” It was merely polite.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Beebo’s expecting me.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I see.” No protest. Tris followed her toward the front
+door. “Ask me over to your apartment sometime, Laura. You
+would make a much nicer hostess than I. Besides, I should like
+to see how your big roommate looks in pants. She does wear
+pants?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Yes, she does.” Laura turned to look at her curiously. “But
+she’s a jealous hellion.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Tris leaned on the wall by the door, crossing her feet at
+the ankles.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Does she know you have been here to visit me?” Her smile
+was sly, interested.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“No. I don’t think she even remembers you,” Laura said
+shortly.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Ah! Flattering. Do you think it’s wise to make a secret
+of our friendship, Laura?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“It’s either that or get my neck broken,” Laura said.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Tris laughed a little, as if the idea of such hard play amused
+her. “Laura ... would you like to stay a little longer?” she
+said. Her voice made it sound very inviting.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I can’t.” Laura was upset by all the talk of Beebo.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“As long as you leave by eight it would be all right,” Tris
+said. “I have a date at eight.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“With a man?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Certainly with a man. I have no secrets, Laura. I do not
+like to cheat, like you. You cheat with your Beebo by seeing
+me. But still—” she hunched her shoulders and smiled—“I
+like you. You like me. Perhaps it is worth the risk. You are
+the one who will get your neck broken, not me. I have no
+right to deny you your pain.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura frowned at her. It was an odd thing to say. Tris put
+her hands on Laura’s arms and they stood that way, silent,
+for a moment.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+At last Tris said, “Dance with me.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+<a id="page-68" class="pagenum" title="68"></a>
+“I don’t know how,” Laura said shyly.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I am a teacher. I teach you. Come on.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I’m so clumsy, Tris.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+But Tris pulled her to the middle of the studio and put a
+record on. She stood for a minute in front of Laura as if trying
+to make up her mind where to grasp her, how to start. Laura
+felt impossibly awkward. But Tris made up her mind quickly
+and slipped her arms around Laura’s neck. Laura was two
+inches taller than she and Tris was obliged to look up at her
+when she spoke.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“We will just do it like the teen-agers!” she said. “There
+is nothing to it really. Stand in one place and shift your weight
+from one foot to the other, with the beat. That’s it. You’ve
+got it. That’s a good beginning.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura couldn’t help laughing. “Even <em>I</em> can do that much,”
+she said.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Ah. Then there is hope. Next year at this time you will
+do the <em>tour jeté</em>.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura had her arms around Tris at the waist and they
+swayed gently to the music, and suddenly all her suspicion
+and embarrassment faded. She became conscious of the tantalizing
+jasmine that emanated from Tris—from her throat and
+her hair and her breasts, barely covered by the bandeau. The
+black braid moved softly against Laura’s bare arms in back
+and Tris put her cheek against Laura’s, tilting her face up.
+Her lips were near Laura’s ear and she whispered, “You know,
+Laura, I must tell you something. You are a homosexual. Yes?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura swallowed. “Yes,” she said.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“You should know then ... I am not. Not like you. I
+like the company of girls, yes. My dance pupils. Friends. But
+I love men. I love them. Do you understand?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“No.” Laura shut her eyes and pulled Tris a little tighter.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Well, then, I will explain. Men excite me. All men, I
+mean. The idea of men.... It is hard to say. But I would
+rather be with a man than with a woman. But now and then
+I meet a woman who interests me. And sometimes the interest
+goes beyond just talk. You see?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“No.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Sometimes I want to kiss her. Or be close to her. But that
+is all. Now do you see?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“No.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Tris gave an impatient little sigh. “I am telling you I am not
+<a id="page-69" class="pagenum" title="69"></a>
+queer like you!” she said sharply and Laura winced with
+sudden pain. Tris felt it and she amended quickly, “That is
+an unkind word. You people call it gay. All right. <em>I</em> am not
+gay. I like you, I like to talk to you and watch you move
+and sometimes I am moved myself to kiss you or be close to
+you, like this. Our bodies like this, all up and down. You see?
+But I don’t like to go any farther. Not with a girl. You are
+only the third girl I have felt this for. It will not happen again
+for a long time. Perhaps I will marry soon, and then it will
+never happen again.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Marry! Who? An Indian?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“No!” she exclaimed almost contemptuously. “Another.
+He is <em>white</em>.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“You’re full of contradictions, Tris,” Laura said, looking
+down at her in bewilderment. “You said you were gay and
+you married a gay boy.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Oh, yes. I did, didn’t I?” She looked trapped. “Well, I
+thought I was then. But I know now—positively—I am not.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“But you said—”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Such wonderful blond hair you have, Laura. I would give
+anything for such hair. Why do you always wear it wound up
+like that?” And she began to slip pins out of the bun, letting
+them drop to the polished floor, until the coil of gold came
+loose and Tris gave a delighted, “Ah!”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura felt the thrill go through her hard. She forgot her
+protests about Tris’s sex drive and pulled the dancer very close
+to kiss her full on the mouth. Tris yielded. With one accord
+they stopped dancing and just clung and kissed, swaying
+slightly. It lasted for long minutes—just kisses, soft and exploratory,
+but careful. Laura wondered vaguely, through the
+fog of lovely sensations, what miserable devil prompted this
+delectable girl to deny her Lesbian impulses. For Laura could
+tell that Tris enjoyed this love play as much as she. She encouraged
+it, even when Laura tried to stop, and pulled her
+back for more.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+By eight o’clock they were lying on the big red silk couch
+in the bedroom, murmuring inanities to each other, discovering
+one another’s bodies and emotions through twin shields of
+clothes and caution.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Will you come and see me again?” Tris asked.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Are you inviting me?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Of course.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+<a id="page-70" class="pagenum" title="70"></a>
+“When would it be convenient?” She said it in clipped
+English, like the English Tris spoke, to tease her.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“It is never convenient. But come anyway.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura laughed. “When?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Tomorrow.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“No date tomorrow?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Yes. Every night.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Save a night for me, Tris.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Tris gazed at her for a moment before she answered, “No.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Why not?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“We do too much in these few short hours. What would we
+do with a whole night? I do not like to think.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I think of it all the time. I can’t think of anything else.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Ah, that is a very bad sign. I am sorry to hear you say
+that. You must not fall in love with me, Laura.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I’ll try to remember,” she said sarcastically.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I am serious,” Tris said.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura didn’t answer her. She lay on her back and looked
+up at the small skylight directly over the bed. It was a square
+of violet—the last shade of fading day.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I do not want you to fall in love with me, Laura,” Tris
+persisted.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I hear you,” Laura said quietly.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Well, why don’t you answer?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I don’t know how to answer, Tris,” she said, turning to
+look at her in the semi-gloom of the bedroom.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“What are your feelings for me?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Do you want a blue print?” Laura said, hurt. “I can’t
+spell them out for you. I don’t understand them myself.” But
+she understood them all too well. She had felt these pangs
+before for other girls—only two or three, including Beebo,
+but enough to make them familiar and unwelcome. But still
+exciting and irresistible.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Tris lay beside her, quiet for a while, and finally she said,
+“Do you know why I was not very glad to see you at first
+today?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“No.” Laura reached across the bed to put a hand on Tris’s
+breasts, to feel what she could not see in the gathering darkness.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I was afraid,” Tris whispered. “Of my own feelings. I
+do not like to become involved with women. It has always
+been unpleasant for me.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+<a id="page-71" class="pagenum" title="71"></a>
+“Do you still want me to come back and see you?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Yes.” She paused and Laura sensed a smile. “As long as
+I ask you to come back, Laura, you will know you are safe
+with me.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Safe?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I will put it another way. If a day comes when I do <em>not</em>
+want to see you, it will be because I am in love with you. And
+that will be the end. From that day on we will never meet
+again, until I am cured.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura had to smile. Who could take such a charming speech
+seriously? “All right,” she murmured and embraced the lovely
+dancer.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Now you must go,” Tris told her. “My date will be here
+soon. He is always prompt.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura got up without protest. But it was sweet to take the
+time to wind up her hair and know she was welcome. “Did
+you kick me out for the same boy last time?” she asked.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Tris had turned a light on and they watched each other in
+the mirror before which Laura was combing her hair.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“No. Another.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I hate him,” Laura said with a little smile. “And the rest
+of them.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Tris gazed at her coolly. “How very foolish,” she said. And
+made Laura laugh.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+They parted with a chaste kiss, and for the first time since
+they had met Laura felt as if she had a slim chance with this
+odd and irresistible girl who was still so much a stranger to
+her. She went home to her angry Beebo, her body tense with
+need. And later, when Beebo demanded her body, Laura
+surrendered promptly and helplessly.
+</p>
+
+<p class="tb">
+* * *
+</p>
+
+<p class="noindent">
+Beebo, since the night of her attack, had become unbearably
+suspicious. Everything Laura did, everywhere she went,
+had to be reported in detail. She called Tris once or twice from
+work and Tris had bawled her out for not showing up. Laura
+was more pleased than sorry when Tris sounded jealous—while
+she bridled angrily at Beebo’s jealousy, she was thrilled
+with Tris’s.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura had strong doubts about Beebo’s illness now. She
+could have gone to work weeks ago. The bruises were nearly
+invisible; only a pale yellow shadow stained the spot where
+the worst had been. Beebo was using it <a id="corr-6"></a>as an excuse to sit
+<a id="page-72" class="pagenum" title="72"></a>
+around another week and take it easy and drink and bitch
+over the phone to Lili about her problems.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I always hated that damn elevator,” she declared with her
+feet up on the coffee table in the living room and a drink in
+her hand.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“You make me sick!” Laura told her. “You’re <em>well</em>. Get up
+and go to work.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Beebo looked at her watch. “At six-thirty in the evening?”
+she said, and laughed.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I’m not going to support us both, Beebo,” Laura said. “And
+I’m sick and tired of playing nursemaid.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+To her diary Laura confided, <em>I am in love. I’m sure of it.
+The more I’m with Beebo the more I want Tris. Oh, God, how
+much I want her!</em>
+</p>
+
+<p class="tb">
+* * *
+</p>
+
+<p class="noindent">
+Laura was desperate after two more weeks of Beebo. Beebo
+drove her frantic when they were cooped up together in the
+small apartment, as they were every night. And Beebo was
+wild for the love Laura denied her. The attack she had endured
+seemed to have touched off a burning core of violence in her
+that never went out.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+When Beebo found the small steel strongbox on the closet
+floor with Laura’s diary inside, she pounded it with a stone
+to get it open but the lock didn’t break. When Laura got home
+from work and found the battered box on the coffee table in
+the living room she went pale with alarm, and Beebo, who
+was lying in wait for her reaction, exclaimed, “Damn it, I
+knew it. You sure as hell look guilty, Laura. What’s in it?”
+She kicked the box.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Nothing.” Laura walked across the room but her legs felt
+weak.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Open it, then.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“No.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Where’s the key?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I don’t know.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“It’s your box, goddam it. You know where the key is!
+Why did you hide it from me? What are you ashamed of?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I’m under no obligation to show you everything I own!”
+Laura said frostily. “I’ll hide what I please.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“You tell me what’s in it,” Beebo threatened, “or I’ll choke
+you. I swear I’ll choke you, you bitch.” She slammed Laura
+against the wall with one hand to her throat.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+<a id="page-73" class="pagenum" title="73"></a>
+Laura gasped in panic. There was only one thing to do
+with Beebo in these moods and that was go along with her,
+stall, anything but resist her. That was too painful and Laura
+even feared that one of these days, with Beebo as crazy as
+she was, it might be fatal.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“All right,” Laura said through a tight throat. “Let me go.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+She rummaged for the key for ten minutes, knowing all
+the while that it was in the wallet in her purse.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Don’t tell me you can’t find it,” Beebo said, watching her
+through narrowed eyes.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I almost never use the thing,” Laura said as calmly as she
+could.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“You find it,” Beebo said. And something in the tone of
+her voice made Laura very frightened. <em>I’m getting out of here</em>,
+she thought to herself suddenly. <em>If I can just get out of this
+somehow I’ll leave her tonight and I won’t come back. I’ll go
+to Jack’s.</em>
+</p>
+
+<p>
+She turned and faced Beebo, desperate. “Beebo, it’s just
+some personal papers. It’s nothing you’d be interested in.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“It’s exactly what I’d be interested in. I’d be even more
+interested in why you went white as a sheet when you saw I
+had it. Explain <em>that</em> to me, Bo-peep.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura pressed her teeth together in a small grimace of exasperation.
+“It’s my birth certificate and my baptism certificate
+and two insurance policies and some old love letters,” she said.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Love letters from who?” Beebo demanded.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Beth.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Beebo put her head back and laughed. “Oh!” she said.
+“Beth! Good old Beth. Your college flame. I’m getting so I
+<em>know</em> that goddam girl.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“She was a lot more—” Laura began, her cheeks hot. She
+couldn’t bear to hear Beth laughed at, to hear that perfect
+love ridiculed.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I know what she was,” Beebo said acidly. “She was beautiful.
+She was bright. She was a queen on the campus and a
+devil in bed. She was a success. She even liked men, the
+traitorous bitch. She was so gorgeous and so intelligent and
+so everything that she could do whatever she damn well
+pleased—even dump you like a sack of bricks. She loved you
+so much she got you kicked out of school and got married. To
+a <em>man</em>.” Beebo grinned at her, waiting for Laura to explode.
+But Laura only glared, too proud to spoil that memory with
+<a id="page-74" class="pagenum" title="74"></a>
+an ugly spat.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Queen Beth was everything Beebo is not,” Beebo said.
+“You’ll never learn, will you? Love isn’t pure roses and romance,
+Laura. You can’t live with a girl, however much you
+love her, and still faint with joy every time she looks your way.
+It’s a shame you never lived with Beth like you have with me.
+You’d find out fast enough she is a human being, not a goddess....
+Now, show me the letters.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Why do you want to read a bunch of miserable old letters?”
+Laura said, angry that she had to beg. “That’s all over,
+Beebo. It can’t do anything but hurt you.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I’m used to that, Laura. Anybody who lives with you has
+to be.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“You lie!” Laura flared suddenly. They gazed at each other
+in electric silence for a minute. Then Laura said quietly, in
+a move to restore her safety, “Let me fill your glass.” She came
+to take it from her but Beebo held it away. “What are you
+trying to do, baby, get me drunk? Let’s see the letters.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura sat down on the bed beside her. Maybe she could
+sweet-talk her out of the box. “Beebo,” she said. “There’s
+nothing in there you could possibly want to see or be interested
+in. Will you believe me?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Beebo looked at her coldly and didn’t move. “The letters,”
+she said and held out a hand.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura sighed. “After dinner,” she begged. “Let’s at least
+eat in peace.” And before Beebo could answer she leaned
+over and kissed her lips. “I love you, Beebo,” she said, very
+softly and hopefully. And there were still times when she
+wondered if she might not speak the truth. But this wasn’t
+one of them. She spoke out of the need to save her skin.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Beebo swallowed the last of the drink. “Yeah,” she said.
+“The letters.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura kissed her again. Beebo submitted to it without returning
+the kiss. “You’re not very subtle, Bo-peep,” she said.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I just want a stay of execution,” Laura said with a wry
+smile. “If we have to yell at each other, let’s save it till after
+dinner. Please, darling. The box won’t walk away.” And
+Beebo, in spite of the obviousness of it, in spite of her own
+better sense and Laura’s flagrant flattery, weakened.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Are they that bad?” she asked. “The goddam letters from
+Beth the Beautiful?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“They’re just love letters. They’re old and stale and the
+<a id="page-75" class="pagenum" title="75"></a>
+affair is old and stale. It’s over and done with.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Like our affair?” And Beebo said it so simply, without the
+histrionics and the swearing and the noisy misery she usually
+showered on Laura, that Laura was touched. She put her
+forehead down on Beebo’s shoulder and whispered, “I don’t
+know, Beebo. You scare me so sometimes I swear I’ll move out
+of here and run like hell and never come back. Sometimes I
+really think you mean to kill me.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Sometimes I really do,” Beebo said and her voice was
+rough. “If I did, I’d kill myself right afterwards, darling.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“A lot of good that would do me!” Laura exploded. But
+she softened when Beebo’s face went dark. “You don’t mean
+that, Beebo. You’d never really do it ... would you?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I don’t know,” Beebo said, staring at her. “I’ve come close
+to it, baby. I’ve come close....”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“If you really love me, you couldn’t.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I really love you. But there are times when I don’t think
+I could stop myself.” Her eyes filled suddenly with tears and
+she looked away, at the wall. “Things that would hurt too
+much.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Like what?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Like finding out you were cheating on me.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura shut her eyes and felt the sweat break out on her
+face. <em>But I haven’t really cheated with Tris</em>, she told herself.
+<em>We never went all the way. I don’t think we ever will.</em> “Don’t
+be silly,” she told Beebo. “Who is there for me to cheat on
+you with? <em>Nobody.</em>”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Jack.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Jack?” Laura straightened up, astonished. “He’s a man!”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Sure he’s a man. I know what he is.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura took Beebo’s face in her hands and said, “I promise
+you I have never cheated with Jack or anybody else. I <em>swear</em>,
+Beebo. You think I have but I haven’t. You just make it up.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Do I just make it up that I love you more than you love
+me?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura hung her head. “Let’s shout about it after dinner,”
+she said.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Okay.” Unexpectedly Beebo surrendered and Laura escaped
+to the kitchen with an audible sigh of relief.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+They ate in near-silence, Laura concentrating on her plate
+and Beebo concentrating on Laura. They were almost finished
+with the gloomy little meal when there came a ring of the
+<a id="page-76" class="pagenum" title="76"></a>
+doorbell and Laura, without knowing why, felt a sudden
+start of fear.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Who’s that?” Beebo demanded.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I don’t know.” Laura didn’t even want to look at her.
+“Probably Jack. Or your darling Lili.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Oh, Christ, I couldn’t stand to see either of them right
+now. Lili would love to hear us quarrel.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Let’s disappoint her, then,” Laura said and they smiled
+a little at each other. Laura was surprised at the strength of
+her relief. But when Beebo got up to ring the buzzer that
+opened the door below, the strange fear returned.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Far away downstairs she heard the front door open. Laura
+sat in uneasy silence in the kitchen, listening to the steps coming
+up the stairs out in the hall. She could picture Beebo
+leaning against the door jamb, waiting for the knock. More
+than once she had begged Beebo to be cautious opening that
+door. She had nightmares about the hoodlums that raped
+Beebo coming back to try it again—and getting Laura too this
+time. But Beebo shrugged it off.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“They won’t be back,” she had said.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“How do <em>you</em> know?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I know,” was the cryptic answer, and that was all Laura
+could get out of her.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura found herself staring into her milk glass and whispering
+a prayer: <em>Let it be Jack. Please, dear God. I need him.</em>
+</p>
+
+<p>
+The knock came. Beebo opened the door. There was a moment
+of silence and then the sound of a sweet feminine voice
+using a very dainty English. It was Tris!
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura froze in a panic. For one frightened second she
+thought of climbing down the fire escape. And then she put
+her glass down with trembling hands and poised herself, tense
+with the near-hysterical force piling up inside her.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Suddenly Beebo said, “Well, I’ll be goddamned. Hey,
+Laura! It’s our little Indian buddy. From Peck and Peck.
+Come on in, sweetheart.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Thank you,” Tris said.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura held her breath. Beebo’s friendliness would last just
+as long as it took her to start wondering what Tris was doing
+there and how she found the place. Laura could have slapped
+Tris. She hardly dared go in the living room and face them
+both.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Beebo called her. “Get in here, baby. Make like a hostess,
+<a id="page-77" class="pagenum" title="77"></a>
+for God’s sake. How’d you find us?” she said, her voice lowering
+as she turned to Tris.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I ran into Laura at the Hobby Shop,” Tris said. “I was
+looking for a gift.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Find one?” Beebo settled down on the couch, appraising
+Tris’s slim smooth body with a cool and practiced eye. Laura
+saw the glance as she stood in the kitchen doorway. She
+disliked the way Tris let herself be admired.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Hello, Laura,” Tris said, almost shyly.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Hello, Tris.” Laura wanted Beebo to stop looking at that
+warm brown body, lightly sheathed in silk. Her eyes snapped
+angrily at Tris, and Tris saw it. “Sit down,” Laura said.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“So ...,” Beebo mused, her eyes half-closed and calculating.
+“You discovered Laura in the Hobby Shop and got
+chummy, hm?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“She told me where you live,” Tris said, turning to her
+with an ingratiating smile. “It’s not far from me. She said to
+come over sometime, so here I am. Perhaps I come at a bad
+time?” She looked from one to the other.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Any time is a bad time in this little love nest,” Beebo said.
+She thumbed at Laura. “We hate each other,” she explained.
+“We only live together so we can fight.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Oh.” Tris looked uncomfortable.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Beebo grinned at the two girls, pleased to have embarrassed
+them both, her mind simmering with suspicions. Laura, stony-faced,
+refused to say anything to Tris to put her at ease. She
+was furious with her for coming in the first place.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“What’s your name, honey?” Beebo said to Tris. “I’ve
+forgotten.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Tris Robischon.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Didn’t you say you were Indian or something?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Yes.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Beebo laughed and shook her head. “Yeah ...,” she said.
+“Indian.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Tris began to squirm under her gaze. She was no longer so
+pleased to be looked at as she had been when she entered.
+Beebo stared so hard, in fact, that Tris finally said coldly,
+“Perhaps you object to dark skins.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“So what if I do?” Beebo said casually, grinning.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Tris gasped. “Some people,” she said sharply, “think all
+non-whites are inferior. Perhaps you are one of those?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Now what gives you a dumb idea like that?” Beebo
+<a id="page-78" class="pagenum" title="78"></a>
+said. “Do I look unfriendly?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“You stare at me as if I were not welcome.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I stare at you as if you were a damn pretty girl. Which
+you are. You’re also too sensitive, but you’re welcome. I like
+that color.” She waved at Tris’s shapely legs, crossed at the
+knees and poised on high-heeled shoes. “On you it looks good.”
+And she grinned. There was an awkward pause and Laura
+saw, with great irritation, that Tris was simply returning
+Beebo’s gaze now, bashfully but rather eagerly.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Have some coffee, Tris?” Laura said.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Yes, please.” Tris looked at her swiftly, as if she knew
+Laura didn’t like her interest in Beebo.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“What do you do with yourself all day, Tris?” Beebo said.
+Laura was afraid of the way her voice sounded now.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I dance.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Where?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“My studio. I teach.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“That all?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I—I have done professional work.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+They talked for a few minutes until Laura brought the
+coffee in. She gave Tris a cup and placed one in front of
+Beebo. But Beebo reached out and collared her with one long
+arm and pulled her down on the couch beside her.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Let go!” Laura snapped, but Beebo only held her harder.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“So you ... just ran into Laura in the Hobby Shop,”
+Beebo said to Tris. “Fancy that.” She smiled a dangerous
+smile.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Yes. It’s not so surprising. I mean I—I live so close by.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura felt her fear rising in her throat and sweat bursting
+from her and she was desperately impatient to get rid of Tris.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“You know something, little Indian girl?” Beebo said.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“What?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I don’t believe you.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+The atmosphere became tense and ominous. “I apologize
+for her, Tris,” Laura said with a show of casualness. “She
+doesn’t believe anything.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Now tell me, Tris,” Beebo said, ignoring her, “how did
+you and Laura really meet?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Tris looked squarely at her and said, “You know how. I
+have told the truth.” She lied very gracefully. Laura wondered
+how many lies she had been fed herself. “But I see I
+am not welcome here,” Tris went on. She stood up and
+<a id="page-79" class="pagenum" title="79"></a>
+replaced her coffee cup carefully in the saucer on the table.
+“Thank you for the coffee,” she said regally and headed for
+the front door.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Beebo sprang up from the couch suddenly and Laura, frightened,
+followed her with almost the same movement. Beebo
+caught Tris at the door and turned her around and without
+even a pause for breath kissed her harshly on the mouth. It
+was a long and physically painful kiss, and Laura’s furious
+exclamations did nothing to help. She pounded ineffectually
+on Beebo’s back. “Beebo, stop it!” she cried.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+But Beebo stopped in her own good time, and that was not
+until she had bruised Tris’s mouth enough to make her cry.
+She cried softly, without a sound, her eyes shut and her head
+back against the door, still lifted toward Beebo.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura was shaken. “Tris—Tris—” she said, trying to get
+near her, but Beebo shouldered her out of the way.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“That’s for being such a good friend of Laura’s,” Beebo
+said. “And that’s all you get, too, my little Indian. Now get
+the hell out and don’t come back.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Beebo, please!” Laura felt her own angry tears start up,
+and it was unbearable to have Tris turn and leave so quickly,
+so quietly, without giving her a gesture of comfort or apology.
+“Tris, I’m so sorry!” she called after her, but it sounded trite
+and insincere.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Beebo shut the door and stood for a moment with her back
+to Laura. Laura, shaking, moved away from her.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Where did you meet her?” Beebo asked, still not looking
+at her. “Tell the truth, Laura.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“At work.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Beebo whirled around. “How long are you going to lie to
+me!” she said.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“This is the last time!” Laura exploded, throwing her caution
+out with her patience. “I’m leaving you, Beebo. I’ve <em>had</em>
+it. You make me sick. You’re ruining my life. I’m so damn
+scared and so damn miserable that nothing is any fun, nothing
+helps. Life isn’t worth living, not like this!”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Where did you meet her?” Beebo said, with single-minded
+jealous fury.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I went to her apartment!” Laura blazed at her. “I went
+back for her card and I went to her apartment.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“And made love to her.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“No!” She shouted it angrily at first, but then she repeated
+<a id="page-80" class="pagenum" title="80"></a>
+it, frightened, “No, Beebo! I swear!”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+But Beebo came across the room in one sudden leap of rage
+and threw her down hard on the floor, her big hands on
+Laura’s slim shoulders, holding her cruelly and banging her
+head down again and again until Laura screamed with pain
+and terror. And then Beebo dropped her and slapped her and
+all the time she kept repeating like a mad woman, “You made
+love to her, love to her. Where’s that key? The <em>key</em>, damn it!”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I’ll give it to you,” Laura sobbed at last. “Oh, God, Beebo,
+don’t kill me! I’ll give it to you.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Beebo let her up then, or rather, dragged her to her feet.
+Laura stood beside her, swaying and dizzy, her eyes blurred
+by tears and her head aching. She went into the bedroom,
+shoving Beebo’s hands away from her with sharp gestures of
+hatred, her teeth clenched. And she opened her purse and
+pulled out her wallet and gave Beebo the key.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Beebo snatched it from her and picked up the box like a
+miser going after a cache of gold. And Laura, seeing her
+chance, grabbed the purse and a sweater that hung on the
+back of a chair and backed silently out of the bedroom. She
+fled, on feet made feather-light with fear, to the front door.
+She ran down the stairs with all the speed her fear could
+muster and ran all the way—two blocks—to Seventh Avenue.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+After a few frantic moments of scanning the street and
+looking back over her shoulder she hailed a cab and climbed
+in, crying audibly. “Drive uptown,” she told the man. “Just
+drive uptown for a few minutes.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Okay,” he said, giving her a quick, cynical onceover.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura looked up and saw Beebo rush into Fourth Street as
+the cab turned around and headed north, and she sank down
+in the back seat, her hands over her face. She let him drive her
+almost to Times Square before she could control her sobs and
+give him Jack’s address.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+<em>What if Beebo’s already there?</em> she wondered suddenly. <em>Oh,
+God!</em> She would be, of course. But Jack would save her somehow.
+Better to be with him, even if it meant facing Beebo
+again.
+</p>
+
+<div class="chapter">
+
+<h2 class="chapter" id="chapter-0-6">
+<a id="page-81" class="pagenum" title="81"></a>
+6
+</h2>
+
+</div>
+
+<p class="first">
+Laura was right. Beebo went straight to Jack’s apartment.
+She stormed in and beat noisily on his door until he opened it.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Christ in the foothills!” he exclaimed, pulling on the
+door and looking into her wild furious face. She entered and
+slammed it behind her.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“She’ll be over here in a few minutes,” Beebo said wildly,
+waving the diary at him. “I haven’t read much of this but I’ve
+read enough to know what a bitch she is. And you—you—”
+For once in her life Beebo was at a loss for words. “You lousy
+crawling scum sonofabitch, you’ve been egging her on! You’ve
+been putting ideas into her head—about leaving me.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+She ranted hysterically at him, and Jack, although Laura
+had never described her diary to him, began to get the idea in
+a hurry.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Where is she now?” he said quietly when he could get a
+word in edgewise.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I don’t know, but she’ll be here before long. Whenever
+we have a quarrel she drags her can over here as fast as she can
+move. You’re her father confessor, her lover by proxy. She
+tells you everything. She only lives with me.” She spat it at
+him enviously. “I’m her lover for good and real but I’m not
+good enough to know what she thinks or what she does. She
+saves that for you. I’ll kill her! By God, I will.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Scram, Beebo,” Jack said. His low voice was in sharp contrast
+to her own, loud and hard with wrath.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“What’s the matter, isn’t my company good enough for
+you?” She turned on him suddenly. He would have to take
+her threats till Laura got there; she couldn’t hold them back.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“It’s just that I don’t like prospective murderers,” Jack
+said. “They make me nervous.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“You bastard! You holier-than-thou bastard! You think
+you’re so damn superior because you’re still on the wagon.
+You <em>are</em> on the wagon, I can tell. You look so goddam sober
+it’s repulsive. Repulsive!”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“That’s the word for it, all right,” Jack agreed. His compliant
+<a id="page-82" class="pagenum" title="82"></a>
+attitude only goaded her further.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“You hate me because Laura only comes to see you when
+she feels bad. She <em>lives</em> with me. But she doesn’t give a damn
+about you until she feels bad. Then she comes running to good
+old Jack!”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Beebo,” he said and did not raise his voice. “When I lost
+Terry I did a hell of a lot of drinking and hollering. I came
+and drank your whiskey and told you my troubles and you
+listened to me. And it helped. Now you’re welcome to my
+whiskey—there’s still a little in the kitchen—and you’re
+welcome to cry on my shoulder. But you’re not going to
+murder anybody, here or anywhere else.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Only Laura,” Beebo said, and her voice was low now, too.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Nobody,” Jack said. “Now scram, or I’ll throw you out.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Beebo grabbed the lapels of his sport jacket. “She cheated
+on me, Jack. You gave her the idea so don’t try to squirm
+out of it.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Cheated on you with who?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“An Indian!” Her eyes were so big and her face so contorted
+that Jack came very near laughter.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“What tribe?” he asked carefully.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Not an <em>American</em> Indian, you owl-eyed idiot! An <em>Indian</em>
+Indian. A dancer! Jesus!” And she lifted her eyes to the ceiling.
+“A <em>dancer</em>!”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Classical or belly?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Oh, shut up! You think it’s funny!” She gave him a hard
+shove, but Jack didn’t shove easily. He just stood his ground
+and surprised her. “It doesn’t matter who she is, anyway,”
+she said and ran a distraught hand through her close-cropped
+dark hair that waved and rolled around her head and used
+to delight Laura. “What matters is, they’ve been sleeping
+together and that cheeky little bitch—”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Which one?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Jack, goddam you, quit interrupting me!” She paused to
+glare at him and then said, “Tris. The dancer. She had the
+nerve to come over to the apartment. Tried to tell me they
+met at the Hobby Shop. Oh, God!” And she gave a despairing
+laugh.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Maybe they did.” He offered it unobtrusively.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Who’re you kidding?” Beebo snapped. “Laura <em>admitted</em>
+she went to the girl’s apartment.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“After you pounded it out of her.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+<a id="page-83" class="pagenum" title="83"></a>
+Beebo held the diary out to him. “Read this, Jack. It’s all in
+here,” she said.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Does it say they slept together?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Damn right!”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Did you read it?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“No, but it’s in here,” she said positively, in the grip of the
+spiraling violence that possessed her. “Jack Mann, college
+graduate, engineer, former gay boy, former whiskey drinker,
+former human being. Current know-it-all and champion bastard
+of Greenwich Village. <em>Read</em> it!”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+He shook his head without even glancing at it.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Are you too proper? Too moral? Don’t tell me you’ve suddenly
+developed a conscience! After all these years,” she said.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+He shrugged. “Why read it? You’ve told me what’s in it.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Maybe you’d like to know what she says about me.” He
+saw her face color up again and a shivering clearly visible in
+her hands and he said, “No.” But Beebo opened the diary,
+leafing through it for the worst slander she could find.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Jack took the book from her hands so suddenly that she let
+it slip before she knew what he was up to, and then he socked
+her when she reached for it, catching her on the chin. She
+reeled backwards and sank to the floor. Jack leaned down and
+picked her up, hoisting her over his shoulder. He carried her
+that way, head dangling in back and feet in front, down the
+hall and out the door to the apartment building.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+There he set her dizzily on her feet. She hardly knew where
+she was and let him hold her up. He found a taxi for her on
+the corner of Fourth and Seventh Avenue and told the driver,
+“She’s drunk. It’s only a couple of blocks, but I can’t take her
+home,” and handed him five dollars. “Take her upstairs,” he
+said, giving him the address. “Apartment 2B.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+He was headed up the steps to his apartment again when
+he heard Laura’s voice calling him, and he turned around to
+see her running up the sidewalk, hair awry and face like chalk.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Laura!” he exclaimed and caught her. She began to sob
+the moment she felt his arms around her, as if she had only
+been waiting to feel him for the tears to start.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Is she here?” she asked, and he could feel her quivering.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“She left,” he said. “I just put her in a cab. Your timing is
+faultless, Mother.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura looked at him out of big amazed eyes. “She’s gone?
+How did you do it?” she asked. “What happened?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+<a id="page-84" class="pagenum" title="84"></a>
+“Come on inside,” he said. He led her down the hall and
+in his kitchen at last, with the front door locked and no Beebo
+anywhere around and a comforting drink to brace her, she
+heaved a long sigh of relief.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Now,” said Jack, making himself some coffee. “Who is
+Tris?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura clasped her glass in both hands and looked into the
+whiskey for an answer. “She’s a dancer—”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I know that part. I mean, are you sleeping with her?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“No!” Laura flashed.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Do you want to?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+And after a pause she whispered honestly, “Yes.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“So Beebo’s not imagining things.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“She doesn’t have to,” Laura cried bitterly. “She’s got my
+diary.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I saw it.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Did you read it?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“No, but Beebo did.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“What did she say?” Laura’s throat had gone dry all of a
+sudden at the idea of Beebo perusing those private pages, and
+she took a sip of her whiskey.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“She wants to solve the whole thing by murdering you.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I think she would, too,” Laura said, unsurprised. “Oh,
+Jack, help me. I’m scared to death.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“All right.” He came over, pulling his chair, and sat down
+beside her. “Marry me.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura covered her face with her hands and gave a little
+moan. “Is that all you can think of? Is that all you can say?”
+she said, and she sounded a little desperate. “I’m in love with
+Tris, and Beebo wants to <em>murder</em> me and you want to <em>marry</em>
+me. What good will that do? I might as well be dead as
+married!” And she said it so emphatically that Jack was stung.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+But he never let personal hurts show.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Mother, you’re in a mess,” he said. “Nobody has a perfect
+solution for you. And you have none at all for yourself. So
+listen to one from an old friend who loves you and don’t
+stomp on it out of sheer spite.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I’m sorry,” she murmured, sipping the drink again. She
+let the tears flow unchecked, without really crying. Her face
+was motionless, but still the tears rolled down her cheeks, as
+if they had business of their own unrelated to her emotion.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Tell me something,” Jack said gently, putting an arm over
+<a id="page-85" class="pagenum" title="85"></a>
+the back of her chair and leaning close to her. And as always
+with him, she didn’t mind. She liked his nearness and the
+fact that he was male and strong and full <a id="corr-9"></a>of affection for her.
+Perhaps it was because she knew he would never demand of
+her what a normal man would; because she felt so safe with
+him and so able to trust him. “Tell me why you went to live
+with Beebo two years ago,” he said.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I thought I loved her.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Why did you think you loved her?” he asked.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Because she—well, she was so—I don’t know, Jack. She
+excited me.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+He lighted a cigarette with a sigh. “And that’s love,” he
+said. “Excitement. As long as you’re excited you’re in love.
+When it turns flat you’re not in love. Lord, what a way to
+live.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura was taken aback by the selfishness she betrayed. “I
+didn’t mean it that way,” she said. It had never seemed so
+cheap to her before.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Are you in love with Tris?” he asked.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I—I—” She was afraid to answer now.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Sure you are,” he said. “Just like Beebo. Fascinating girl.
+More excitement. Beebo’s worn out now, let’s try Tris. And
+when we wear Tris out, let’s find another—”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Stop it!” Laura begged.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Where’s your life going, Laura?” he asked her. “What
+have you done with it so far? Does it matter a damn, really?
+To anybody but you ... and me?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“And Beebo.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Beebo’s more worried about where her next drink is coming
+from than she is about you.” He knew it wasn’t true. He
+knew if it ever came to a choice, Beebo loved Laura desperately
+enough to give up drinking. But Jack was fighting for
+Laura now.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura began to cry now, her face concealed behind her
+hands. “Please, Jack,” she whispered, but he knew what he
+was doing. He had to make her see it his way so clearly, feel
+the hurt so hard, that she would turn away from the whole
+discouraging mess of homosexual life and come to live with
+him far from it all.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Look at me, Laura,” he said and lifted her face. “We
+can’t think straight because we always think gay,” he said.
+“We don’t know anything about a love that lasts or a life
+<a id="page-86" class="pagenum" title="86"></a>
+that means something. We spend all our time on our knees
+singing hosannas to the queers. Trying to make ourselves look
+good. Trying to forget we aren’t wholesome and healthy like
+other people.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Some of the other people aren’t so damn wholesome
+either,” Laura said.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Jack put his arms around her suddenly and pulled her tight
+against him and said, “Let’s get out of it, Laura. Let’s run like
+hell while we have a chance. We could get away, just the two
+of us. But we can’t do it alone; we need each other. We could
+move uptown and get a nice apartment and you wouldn’t
+have to work. We could get married, honey.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“But—”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Please, Laura, please,” he begged her. “Maybe we could
+even ... adopt a child. Would you like that? Would you?”
+He sounded a little breathless and he leaned back to see her
+face.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura was startled. “I don’t know anything about kids.
+They scare me to death.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“You’d get over it in a hurry,” he said. “You’re female. You
+have instinct on your side.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Do <em>you</em> like kids?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I love them.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“<em>I</em> don’t. You’re more female than I am,” she said.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+He laughed. “Flattery will get you nowhere,” he said.
+“Seriously, Laura—would you like a child? A daughter?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Why not a son?” she asked him, sharp-eyed.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Okay.” He shrugged warily. “A son.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura slid back in her chair and looked at the ceiling. “I
+never even thought about it before,” she said. “I just never
+dreamed I’d ever have anything to do with a child of my own
+... with <em>any</em> child.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Do you want one?” He seemed so eager that she was reluctant
+to hurt him. But she couldn’t lie to him.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“No,” she said. And when his face hardened, she added,
+“Because I’d be a terrible mother, Jack. I’d be afraid of it.
+And jealous, I think. I’d be all thumbs. I’d stick it full of pins
+and never be sure if I did it on purpose or by mistake.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“You won’t always feel that way,” he said, and she knew
+from the tone of his voice that there was no arguing with him.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Maybe not,” she said. “But if I marry you, Jack—” And
+they were both startled to hear the words, as if neither had
+<a id="page-87" class="pagenum" title="87"></a>
+really expected Laura to consider it seriously. “If I marry you,
+I wouldn’t dare adopt a child for years. Not till I was sure we
+were safe together and the marriage would last.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“It would. It will. Say yes.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I can’t,” she said and drove him to his feet in a fit of
+temper.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Goddam it, Laura, do you want to grow <em>old</em> here in the
+Village?” he said. “Have you seen the pitiful old women in
+their men’s oxfords and chopped-off hair, stumping around
+like lost souls, wandering from bar to bar and staring at the
+pretty kids and weeping because they can’t have them any
+more? Or living together, two of them, ugly and fat and
+wrinkled, with nothing to do and nothing to care about but
+the good old days that are no more? Is that what you want?
+Because if you stay here, that’s what you’ll get.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Pretty soon you won’t know any other way of life. You
+won’t know how to live in the big world. You don’t care a
+goddam about that world now when you’re young. So when
+you’re old you won’t <em>know</em> a goddam about it. You’ll be afraid
+of it and of normal people and you’ll hide in a cheap walk-up
+with a dowdy old friend or a stinking cat and you’ll yammer
+about lost loves. Tempting, huh?” And he leaned on the
+kitchen table, his eyes so bright with urgency that she couldn’t
+look at them and only watched his mouth.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Horrible,” she said.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+He straightened up and shoved his hands in his pockets,
+and when he started to speak again he was gazing out the
+window. “I want to get so far away from here,” he said,
+“that—”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“That Terry will never find you again,” she guessed.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+He dropped his head a little. “Yes,” he said. “That, too.
+Terry and Joe and Archie and John and God knows who.
+We’d go way uptown and leave no forwarding address ...
+nothing. Just fade out of the Village forever. No Beebo, no
+Terry....”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“No Tris,” Laura whispered.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I told you, Mother ... I’m no bluebeard. If you want
+affairs, have them. You’re young, you need a few. Only keep
+them out of the Village and keep them very quiet.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Do you think Terry would really come looking for you
+again?” she asked. “After the way you threw him out?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“There aren’t many men stupid enough to put up with his
+<a id="page-88" class="pagenum" title="88"></a>
+antics as I did,” he said. “I think he might try to put the touch
+on me between affairs.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Damn him!” Laura cried indignantly.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Yes, he might try to find me. And Beebo would pace the
+city looking for you. But let them. We’d be through with them
+forever.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+And Laura felt a very queer unwelcome pang for Beebo,
+for all that wealth of misdirected love. Jack was standing behind
+her now, his hands on her shoulders. “Well?” he said
+quietly. “Will you marry me?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Could I—answer you in the morning?” she asked.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“What the hell will you do tonight?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“See Tris.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Oh. And if she’s nice, it’s no to old Jack. If she’s bitchy,
+it’s yes. Right?” He said it lightly but she knew he was hurt.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Not quite,” she said. “I want to test myself, I guess. Jack,
+for the first time I feel almost—almost like saying yes. But I
+want to see her first. Please let me.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“You don’t need my permission, Mother.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Maybe Beebo’s found her already.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Beebo’s in bad shape. I lay odds she sleeps it off for a while.
+Even if she’s found Tris she won’t be in condition to do either
+of you much harm. Just call a cop and say she’s molesting
+you.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura got up and turned to face him and they gazed at
+each other for some minutes in silence. “Okay, Mother,” he
+said. “Go. And come back <em>mine</em>.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+She smiled and then she walked past him to the door.
+</p>
+
+<p class="tb">
+* * *
+</p>
+
+<p class="noindent">
+Tris was at home giving lessons when Laura got there. She
+had evening classes twice a week, for adults. She didn’t slam
+the door in Laura’s face, but she gave her a black look and
+directed her curtly to sit down and be quiet. Her delicate
+mouth was ever so slightly swollen.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Tris went back to work and danced with her pupils for
+another forty minutes without a word or a glance at Laura.
+It was lovely to watch. There were only two students—a man
+and a girl—and they were learning an intricate duet at Tris’s
+direction. They would execute what looked to Laura like a
+perfect step and suddenly Tris would swoop down on them,
+shouting temperamental criticisms. She finally made the man
+dance with her, to give the girl the idea.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+<a id="page-89" class="pagenum" title="89"></a>
+Laura watched her fascinated as she leaped into his arms,
+straight and smooth and beautifully sure of herself. And
+Laura realized slowly that only when she danced with the
+man did Tris look over at her to see her expression.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+<em>She’s trying to make me jealous</em>, Laura thought, and she was
+suddenly weary; weary of all the envy and ill feeling and violence.
+She wanted nothing more than to lie down quietly by
+Tris’s side, when the couple had gone, and gently, without
+explanations or apologies, make love till they both fell asleep.
+She knew if it happened like that—naturally and easily and
+without pain—that she would stay with Tris. But she was
+afraid that even if it were bitter and unhappy, she would stay
+anyway.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+And still, an angry core of resentment smoldered in her,
+resentment at Tris for having the effrontery to walk in on
+Laura and Beebo and cause the bitter outburst that had separated
+them. She was brooding about this when Tris suddenly
+dismissed her dancers.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+The two went into her bedroom to change and Laura waited
+for Tris to speak to her. But Tris only glared, performing a
+few indolent turns until her students returned. Then she unexpectedly
+introduced them all. She was curt, almost unpleasant
+about it.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+The young man smiled at Laura and said, “Never mind her,
+she’s bad company tonight. Thanks, Tris.” And he gave her a
+strange look and left, following the girl.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Tris shut the door after them and turned to Laura. “The
+girl is insufferable,” she said. “She can’t dance, and she is a
+vixen besides.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“The boy can dance,” Laura said, not without a jealous
+twitch.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Yes, he can. He can make love, too. And he does—when I
+don’t have company.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+She said it pointedly and Laura felt her whole face go a hot
+red. She stood up without speaking and made for the door,
+her head swimming, but Tris stopped her there by embracing
+her. Laura was in no mood for Tris’s sudden turnabouts.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“God damn you, let me go,” she exclaimed.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Tonight, I am grateful for the company,” Tris said. “He
+bores me.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I’ve had all I can take from you, Tris. You split me and
+Beebo up tonight—”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+<a id="page-90" class="pagenum" title="90"></a>
+“Ah, then I did you a favor, no?” and she smiled.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“You damn near got me killed!”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“She is not gentle, is she?” Tris said, releasing Laura to
+touch her bruised mouth, but she was still smiling a little.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Gentle?” Laura exploded. “Beebo? Gentle like a tornado.
+Why did you do it, Tris? <em>Why?</em>”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Tris shrugged, walking away from her. “I felt like it. I
+don’t know why. I wanted to see you. I wanted to see—well,
+I wondered what she was like ... Beebo.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“You’re incredible,” Laura breathed, furious, watching her
+saunter suggestively toward her bedroom.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Are you coming with me?” Tris asked.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+And Laura felt her legs weaken and her heart jump, and she
+hated herself for it. “No,” she said.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Of course you are. That is why you are here. Come.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+And Laura, helpless, went to her. Tris took her hands and
+led her, walking backwards herself, into the room and onto the
+low couch. She began to kiss her and Laura felt her fury rise
+and change into passion. Tris had never been so close to her,
+so tantalizing.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Somehow her anger made her passion sharper and wilder.
+She wanted to hurt Tris with it. Beebo believed they had made
+love, did she? Well, Laura would give truth to her fantasies.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura could feel Tris’s body begin to respond. A surging
+feeling of triumph flashed through her. She felt the familiar,
+wonderful insanity come over her and she relinquished herself
+wholly to feeling. It took her a few moments to understand
+that Tris was fighting her. And suddenly she came to herself
+with a shock and felt Tris slip away from her and saw her
+standing a few feet from the bed.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Tris gave her a look—almost of pity—and then turned and
+raced from the room. By the time Laura reached the door, it
+was locked. At first she was stunned, motionless. And then she
+began to throw her weight against it. “Tris! Tris, let me out!”
+she cried in a panic.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Stay where you are till you cool off,” Tris said. Her voice
+was very near, just on the other side of the door, and Laura
+was wild to join her.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Please, Tris!” she implored and her voice was low with
+coming tears. “Tris, don’t do this to me!” Her whole body
+ached and after a moment more of futile beating on the door
+she slumped to the floor, moaning.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+<a id="page-91" class="pagenum" title="91"></a>
+A long time later she dragged herself off the floor and
+back to the bed and lay there, sleepless, until early dawn. She
+was sick with the need to hurt and the need for love all scrambled
+inside her; she was imprisoned in her homosexuality and
+thinking ... thinking hard of Jack.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+The first daylight was coming in the window when Laura
+heard the door open and saw Tris glide across the floor toward
+her. Laura smothered a first harsh impulse to jump at her. Tris
+came on tiptoe, thinking Laura would be asleep, and when she
+saw Laura’s blue eyes staring at her, she was startled.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Then she came and sat in silence on the edge of the bed and
+looked at Laura for a while, until Laura, who was restraining
+herself tightly, saw that Tris was crying. And the crying became
+suddenly audible and made Tris cover her face with her
+hands. Laura lay beside her, refusing to touch her, feeling her
+spite and misery soften a little, feeling even a shade of pity.
+She wanted to beat the girl and at the same time stroke her
+shaking shoulders.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Tris turned her back to Laura and finally spoke with considerable
+effort. “I’m going out on the Island tomorrow,” she
+said. “For two weeks, a vacation. Come with me.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura stared at her back, frowning in disbelief. “What?”
+she said.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I want you to come with me,” Tris whispered. Her voice
+sounded, as once before, quite American.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“You must enjoy torturing me,” Laura said.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+There was a long pause while Tris snatched a piece of face
+tissue from a box by the bed and blew her nose. Finally she
+said, “It was torture for me, too. But still, it was inexcusable,
+what I did to you. I was a beast. I—I can’t talk about it,” and
+she gave a quick sob. “But I promise it will never happen again—if
+you promise never to mention it. Promise?” And she
+turned and looked at Laura.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Why did you do it?” Laura asked.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I had to! I <em>had</em> to! I wanted to hurt you—last night—you
+made me feel—” and her speech was clipped again and careful—“you
+made me want you so much, Laura. And I hate it! I
+<em>hate</em> it!” She was almost shrieking.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Why?” Laura asked.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Because I’m not really a Lesbian. Not like you. It’s men
+I love, Laura. Really,” she added desperately.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+And Laura felt compassion for her. “You’re sick, Tris,” she
+<a id="page-92" class="pagenum" title="92"></a>
+said, but she said it kindly.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Sick?” And Tris went a strange ashy color that scared
+Laura. “How do you mean?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura realized then that she couldn’t destroy Tris’s illusion
+without destroying Tris. She raised herself to one elbow and
+brushed away the tears on Tris’s cheek. “Let’s put it this way,”
+she said. “If you feel like this about me, we shouldn’t be
+together any more. In two weeks we’d drive each other wild. I
+know you feel terrible about last night, Tris, I can see it. I
+know I can’t forget you, or forgive what you did. If we were
+living together, I’d want you and you’d hate me for it. And
+pretty soon I’d hate you too, for denying me.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I won’t deny you, Laura,” Tris whispered, without looking
+at her. “I promise you. If you’d just let me do it my way.
+Don’t let it be like last night. When I feel as if I’m losing
+control, it’s as if I were drowning, as if I were losing my sanity
+along with my will. It’s as if—if I let it happen—I—I’ll lose
+my mind.” She spoke so painfully, with such evident anxiety,
+that Laura was touched.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Poor Tris,” she murmured, and smoothed her hair. “I
+thought I’d be pulling your hair out this morning, not playing
+with it,” she said, running her long fingers over the sleek black
+braid.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Come with me,” Tris pleaded. “Let me make it up to you.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Where are you going? Fire Island?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“God, no!” Tris flared. “<em>That</em> place! It’s crawling with
+queers. I wouldn’t go near it.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Tris ...,” Laura said, a little hesitantly. Her ear did
+not betray her. Tris’s accent fluctuated strangely and roused
+her curiosity. She asked cautiously, “What part of India do
+you come from?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Why do you ask?” And Tris’s eyes narrowed.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura lifted her shoulders casually. “You never told me.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I said New Delhi.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Oh, yes.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Besides, it has nothing to do with the vacation. I’m going
+to a place on Long Island. Stone Harbor. It’s not far from
+Montauk, on the north side. I have a cottage there for two
+weeks. It’s very secluded. No one will bother us. I was there
+last year and it’s really lovely. You’d like it, Laura, I know
+you would. You can swim every day—we’re only two blocks
+from the beach and—”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Tris?” Laura stopped the almost compulsive flow of speech
+<a id="page-93" class="pagenum" title="93"></a>
+and startled the dancer.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Yes?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Why won’t you tell me about India?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“You wouldn’t be interested.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I’d be fascinated. Everything about you fascinates me. For
+instance, what are you doing in this country?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Dancing.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Where are your parents?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Dead.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“How did you get here?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Scholarship.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Are you a citizen?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Laura, stop it! Why do you ask me such things? What has
+this to do with our vacation? I refuse to be quizzed like a
+criminal. We’ll leave tomorrow at eight. Can you be packed
+by then? I’ve rented a car.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I can’t even get into my own apartment,” Laura admitted.
+“You fixed me up just fine.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Of course you can. Call the police.” Her odd green eyes
+flashed.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“No. Maybe Jack could get my things. I’ll call him.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Who’s Jack?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Jack? He’s a—sort of—fiancé. A permanent fiancé.” She
+smiled slightly.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Tris snorted. “Does he know you are gay?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Of course.” She would tell her no more. If Tris were going
+to seal her private life behind a wall of secrets, Laura could
+play it that way, too. “Can I use your phone<a id="corr-10"></a>?” she asked.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Yes. In the kitchen.” Tris followed her across the empty
+studio into the sunny blue and yellow kitchen and while Laura
+was dialing she asked, “You will come, of course?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I’ll tell you in a minute,” Laura said. “... Jack?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Good morning, Mother.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Jack, I wonder if you could—if you’d mind going over
+to the apartment and getting my clothes. Do you think you
+could? I hate to ask you, but I don’t dare go near her.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Sure,” he said. “Did you pass your test?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“My test? Oh.” She glanced at Tris. “I—I flunked,” she
+said and felt a tidal wave of pity and shame all at once. “Jack—I’m
+sorry. Oh, I’m so sorry. Let me come over—”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Come get your clothes at five,” he said. “I’ll leave the door
+open.” And he hung up.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura surprised Tris by dropping into a chair and sobbing.
+<a id="page-94" class="pagenum" title="94"></a>
+Tris sat down opposite her and waited in silence till she caught
+her breath, expecting an explanation. But Laura only dried
+her eyes and asked for some coffee.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Jack wasn’t home when she went to pick up her clothes.
+She had known he wouldn’t be there, and still it made her
+want to weep. She was in a blue mood, and even the sight of
+Tris, waiting for her outside at the wheel of a rented convertible,
+didn’t cheer her up. She made several trips with the
+clothes, leaving most of her other possessions behind, and on
+the last trip she wrote him a note. It said, in part:
+</p>
+
+<p>
+<em>You’re the only man I would ever marry, Jack. Maybe it
+will still work out. Tris wants me to spend two weeks with
+her on Long Island. I’ll call you the minute I get back. I’m
+crazy about her, but she’s a sick girl and I’ve had enough of
+wild scenes with sick lovers. I don’t know what to expect so
+am leaving most of my things here. Hope they won’t be too
+much in the way. I quit my job, by the way. Will find something
+else when I get back. Thank you so much for everything,
+Jack darling. Hope Beebo didn’t give you any trouble. Don’t
+start drinking, I’m not worth it. I love you. Laura.</em>
+</p>
+
+<p class="tb">
+* * *
+</p>
+
+<p class="noindent">
+The cabin had two bedrooms, a kitchen and a living room,
+and a bathroom. It was furnished à la 1935, full of sand and
+ants, but comfortable. The walk to the beach was short and
+just enough to get you pleasantly warm before you soaked in
+the salt water.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+There were a lot of other vacationers living all around them—young
+couples with dozens of hollering kids, mostly. Laura
+watched them romping on the sand, the little ones screaming
+and giggling and pouring water on each other. She wondered
+if she could ever want a child.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+She lay on the beach with Tris, the day after they arrived,
+and luxuriated in the sun. Tris had lathered herself lovingly
+with rich sun cream and was sitting under a huge beach
+umbrella that she had erected with the help of a young man
+they discovered while they looked for a place to lie down.
+He was not very subtle about his admiration, which he confined
+to Tris. And Laura was not very pleased to see her
+prance for him. But she said nothing.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“You’ll burn to a crisp, Laura,” Tris warned her.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I put some stuff on,” Laura said lazily, wiggling a little
+and feeling the hot rays toast the backs of her legs.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Not enough for one so fair,” Tris maintained. “Such fair
+<a id="page-95" class="pagenum" title="95"></a>
+skin you have.” And Laura heard the yearning in her voice.
+“If mine were that light I would never expose it like you do.
+I’d do everything to keep it as light as I could. Even bleach it.
+They say buttermilk works wonders.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura looked up at her through eyes squinted against the
+sun. “Your skin is beautiful, Tris.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Oh, not like yours,” Tris said, embarrassed.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“How can you say that? You’re the prettiest color I ever
+saw.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“And you’re a dirty hypocrite!” Tris snapped.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura <a id="corr-12"></a>stared at her, dumbfounded, for some seconds, before
+she answered softly, “No, I mean it.” She was afraid to
+say more. “You think I only say it to flatter you, don’t you?”
+she asked finally. “I won’t say it, then. I’d rather you turned
+your temper on yourself than on me.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+After an elaborately casual pause, full of much smoothing
+lotion and gazing around, Tris said, “Do you really like my
+color?” The little-girl pleading in her voice touched Laura.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“If I say yes, you call me a liar. If I say no you call me a
+bigot.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Say yes.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Yes.” And Laura smiled at her and Tris smiled back and
+gave Laura the feeling of false but sweet security.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Tris said, “Did you ever notice, when we lie on the bed
+together, how we look?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura finished, “Yes, I noticed.” She looked at Tris in surprise.
+It wasn’t like her to mention such things. “Me so white
+and you so brown. It looks like poetry, Tris. Like music, if
+you could see music. Your body looks so warm and mine looks
+so cool. And inside, we’re just the other way around. Isn’t it
+funny? I’m the one who’s always on fire. And you’re the iceberg.”
+She laughed a little. “Maybe I can melt you,” she said.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Better not. The brown comes off,” Tris said cynically, but
+her strange thought excited Laura.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“God, what a queer idea!” Laura said. “You’d have to
+touch me everywhere then, every corner of me, till we were
+both the same color. Then you’d be almost white and I’d be
+almost tan—and yet we’d be the same.” She looked at Tris
+with her squinty eyes that sparkled in the glancing sun. And
+Tris, struck herself by the strangeness of it, murmured, “I
+never thought of it that way.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura hoped Tris would look at it that way for the rest
+of the vacation.
+</p>
+
+<div class="chapter">
+
+<h2 class="chapter" id="chapter-0-7">
+<a id="page-96" class="pagenum" title="96"></a>
+7
+</h2>
+
+</div>
+
+<p class="first">
+Jack walked into his apartment at five-thirty in the afternoon,
+tired and thirsty but dolefully sober. He was a stubborn
+man and he had dedicated all his resistance to fighting liquor.
+He meant to head for the kitchen and consume a pint of
+cider and fix himself some dinner. Since Laura had left five
+days ago he had not had much appetite. He did not admit that
+she would ever come back or that he had lost a battle. It was
+only a temporary setback. But it rocked him a little and it
+hurt him a lot.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+He came wearily down the hall, stuck his key belligerently
+into the lock and kicked his front door open. He dumped a
+paper bag full of light bulbs, cigarettes, and Scotch tape on a
+chair, switched on a light and started toward his kitchen. It
+came as a distinct shock to find Laura sitting on his sofa.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+He stared at her. She had her legs up, crossed, on the cocktail
+table, and her head back, gazing at the ceiling. She knew
+he was there, of course; she heard him come in. She turned
+and looked at him finally, and something in her face dispelled
+his melancholy. He felt elated. But he checked it carefully.
+He slipped his coat off without a word, dropped <a id="corr-13"></a>it on the
+chair with his package, and walked over to her, standing in
+front of her with his hands in his pockets.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Run out of suntan lotion?” he said.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“No. But you’re out of whiskey.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I gave it to Beebo. Traded it for your clothes.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Take the clothes back and get the whiskey.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Later,” he said, and smiled. Then he added, “Was it bad?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Very bad,” Laura said and for a moment they both feared
+she would start crying. But she didn’t.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Want to tell me?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Jack,” she said with an ironic little smile. “You’ll have to
+write a book about me someday. I tell you everything.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+He grinned. “I’ll leave that to somebody else. But I’m saving
+my notes, just in case.” He sat down beside her. “Well, it
+could only be one of three things, seeing that she’s gay,” he
+<a id="page-97" class="pagenum" title="97"></a>
+said. “She’s a whore.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“No.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“A junkie.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“No.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“—or she’s married.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“She’s married.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+He lighted a cigarette with a long sigh, his eyes bright on
+her.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“How did you know?” she asked.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I didn’t. But it had to be something that would shock you.
+And you seem pretty damn nervous about the idea of gay
+people being married.” He paused and she had to drop her
+glance. “Does she hate him?” he asked returning to Tris.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Most of the time. God, Jack, I need a drink.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Steady, Mother. My neighbor always has a supply. I’ll
+fix you up.” He came back in less than three minutes with a
+bottle of sparkling burgundy.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Ugh!” Laura said. But she took it gratefully.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Now,” he said, settling down on the cocktail table with a
+cup of instant coffee, “begin at the beginning.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura rubbed her forehead and then sipped the prickly
+drink. “It started ... beautifully,” she said. “Like a dream.
+It was all hot sand and cool water and kisses. We held hands
+in the movie, we sat up till all hours in front of the fireplace
+with a bottle of Riesling and sang, and danced. We traded
+secrets and we made plans. We made a boat trip to the
+point—”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Did you make love?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“You just can’t wait, can you?” she said, half teasing, half
+irritated.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“My future may depend on it,” he said and shrugged.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+There was a long reflective pause and finally Laura said,
+sadly, “Yes. We made love. Only once.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“And that was the end?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“It wasn’t that simple. You see, she—well, she flirted. She
+flirted with men until I thought I couldn’t stand it. Till I
+wanted to flirt myself to get even, if only I weren’t so damn
+awkward with men. She’s not. She’s a genius with them. She
+didn’t give a damn if they were married <a id="corr-14"></a>or not. She had them
+all proposing to her.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“After the first couple of days it got intolerable. She had
+been making me sleep on one bed and she took the other. And
+<a id="page-98" class="pagenum" title="98"></a>
+after she turned the lights out she made a rule—no bed
+hopping.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“And you obeyed her little rule?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I had to, Jack,” she defended herself. “We had a sort of
+agreement before we left the Village.... It was supposed to
+be up to her to choose the time and place.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“That’s the lousiest agreement <em>you</em> ever made, Mother,” he
+commented.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“No. She’s sick, you see. Really. She thinks she’s straight.
+And if you hint she’s not, she gets terrified. Almost hysterical.
+She can’t accept it.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Why do you always fall for these well adjusted ladies?”
+he asked.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Beth was well adjusted.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Beth is dead. As far as you’re concerned.” Laura glared
+at him while he smiled slightly, lighting another cigarette from
+the one he was finishing. “So Tris is a queer queer,” he said.
+“And she flirts with the opposite sex. Very subversive. So
+what came next?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Well, they followed us home—”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Who?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Men!” she flashed peevishly. “They followed us at the
+beach, in the bars, in the stores. They followed <em>Tris</em>, I should
+say. I was cold as hell with <a id="corr-16"></a>them. I tried to keep quiet about it,
+but after three days of it I blew up. We had a miserable quarrel,
+and I was ready to pack up and leave right then. But she
+relented suddenly. I don’t know why. I think she really likes
+me, Jack. Anyway, she got drunk. Just enough so that she
+wouldn’t have to watch what I did to her ... or hear what
+I said to her ... or care too much....”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“That’s pretty drunk,” Jack said. He knew from the way
+she spoke that it had hurt her to make love like that, wanting
+so much herself, and herself so unwanted. “I know, Laura
+honey, I know the feeling,” he said and the words comforted
+her.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Jack, I hope I always love you this much,” she said softly.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+He looked up from his coffee cup with a little smile. “So
+do I,” he said. And they looked at each other without speaking
+for a minute before she went on.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Well,” she said, “it was torture. I didn’t want it any more
+than she did, if it had to be so cold and sad, and at the same
+time I <em>had</em> to have her. I was on fire for her. I have to give her
+<a id="page-99" class="pagenum" title="99"></a>
+credit, Jack, she tried. But it didn’t mean anything to her.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“It’s a lonesome job,” Jack said. “And it’s never worth it.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I cried all night,” Laura said. “Afterwards ... I just
+got in my own bed and cried. And she was awake all night
+too, but she didn’t come to me or try to comfort me. I think
+she was embarrassed. I think she just wished she’d never gotten
+mixed up with me.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“The next night—around dinner time—her husband arrived.
+I don’t know whether she got sick of me or just scared
+and called him, or if they got their dates scrambled and he
+came too soon. You see, it turned out she had planned to meet
+him out there all along, after I left. But maybe I got to be too
+much for her and she told him to come and chase me out....
+I don’t know. There wasn’t time to go into the fine points.
+But I think myself she needed a man just then, to make herself
+feel normal. And protected.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“What was he like?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“A nice guy. He really is. I know I sound—Tris would say—hypocritical.
+But I liked him. I understood right away, the
+minute I saw him, an awful lot of things about Tris.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“How?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura paused, gazing seriously at Jack. At last she explained,
+“He’s a Negro. And so is she. Only he’s much darker
+than Tris. Very handsome, but he’d never pass as an Indian.
+And right away he humiliated her, without meaning to.” She
+smiled sadly. “She’s from New York, Jack. She was born
+right here and her name is Patsy Robinson. She’s only seventeen
+but they’ve been married two years. She makes him keep
+out of sight because she thinks he’d be a drag on her career.
+That’s why she tells everybody she’s Indian, too—because she
+wants to get ahead and she thinks it makes it easier.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Jack shook his head. “I feel for her,” he said.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“And I weep for her,” Laura said. “You should have seen
+her, Jack. She was wild when Milo talked about her fake
+Indian past. I think it made him pretty damn mad. That, and
+all the flirting, and having to live apart. And her gay and him
+straight! Lord, what a mess. He’s in love with her; she’s his
+wife. And she denies him, and hides him.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura stopped talking then for a little while, sipping the
+burgundy and staring at her feet. “I took the bus back,” she
+said at last. “She screamed at me to leave. Milo apologized for
+her. That poor guy.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+<a id="page-100" class="pagenum" title="100"></a>
+“Do you still think you love her?” Jack asked.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I don’t know.” She sighed. “She fascinates me. I feel sick
+about it, about the way things happened. If I thought I could
+stand it I’d go back to her. But I know I couldn’t. What is
+love, anyway, Jack?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“‘If you have to ask you never get to know,’” he quoted.
+“More?” He reached for her glass and she relinquished it with
+an unsteady hand. She felt completely lost, completely frustrated.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“What’s Beebo doing?” she asked.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+He picked up the bottle and poured some more wine into
+her glass. “All kinds of things,” he said. “She got fired, of
+course. Hadn’t showed up for weeks.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Of course,” Laura repeated, bowing her head.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“She’s shacking up with Lili at the moment.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Ohhh,” Laura groaned, and it made her feel dismal to
+think of it. She felt a spasm of possessiveness for Beebo. “Lili
+is a terrible influence on her,” she said irritably.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“So are you.” He handed her her drink. “The worst.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Not <em>that</em> bad.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Life with you,” he reminded her, “damn near killed the
+girl.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“And me,” Laura replied. “Did she leave the apartment?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“No, she gets over there from time to time.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I wonder how she pays the rent.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“It isn’t due yet,” he said. “Besides, I imagine Lili can help
+out.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura shut her eyes suddenly, overwhelmed with a maddening
+tenderness for Beebo. “I hate her!” she said emphatically
+to Jack. And he, with his uncanny ear for emotion, didn’t
+like the emphasis.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+After a slight pause he said, “I got her a dog. Another
+dachshund pup.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“That was nice of you,” she said to him in the tone mothers
+use when someone has done a kindly favor for their children.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Beebo didn’t think so. She didn’t know whether to kiss it
+or throw it at me,” he said. “She finally kissed it. But the poor
+thing died two days later ... yesterday, it was.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“It died?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Yes.” He looked at her sharply. “I think she ... shall we
+say—put it to sleep?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Oh, Jack!” she breathed, shocked. “<em>Why?</em> Did it remind
+<a id="page-101" class="pagenum" title="101"></a>
+her of Nix?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I don’t know. It didn’t cheer her up, that’s for damn sure.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura sat there for a while, letting him fill her glass a couple
+of times and listening to the FM radio and trying not to feel
+sorry for Beebo. “She doesn’t really need me any more, Jack,”
+she told him.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I do,” he said, and she smiled.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“You didn’t fall off the wagon,” she said. “I’m so glad. I
+was afraid you might.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I never get drunk over the women in my life,” he said
+sardonically. “Only over the boys. And there are no more boys
+in my life. Now or ever.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura swirled the royal purple liquid in her long-stemmed
+glass and whispered into it, “Do you think I could make you
+happy, Jack?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Are you proposing, Mother?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+She swallowed and looked up at him with butterflies in her
+stomach. “Yes,” she said.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+He sat quite still and smiled slowly at her. And then he
+got up and came to her and kissed her cheeks, one after the
+other, holding her head tenderly in his hands.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I accept,” he said.
+</p>
+
+<p class="tb">
+* * *
+</p>
+
+<p class="noindent">
+The day was hot and muggy, one of those insufferably
+humid August days in New York. Laura and Jack waited together
+outside the office of Judge Sterling Webster with half
+a dozen other sweating, hand-clasping couples.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Jack wasted no time when Laura said yes. As fast as arrangements
+could be made, they were made. Laura stayed with
+him in the Village apartment a few days while they hunted
+for another apartment, cooking for him and getting the feel
+of living with him. During the days, when he was out, she
+went uptown. This was Jack’s idea. He had no intention of
+making his bride a sitting duck for Beebo. It was only for four
+days, anyway, and much to Laura’s surprise, Beebo made no
+attempt to reach her.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+They had found the apartment on the east side two days
+after Laura got back from the disillusioning sojourn with Tris.
+It was too expensive, but it was newly renovated, lustrous
+with new paint, elegant with a new elevator, and bursting
+with chic tenants.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“We can’t afford it,” was Laura’s first comment, to which
+<a id="page-102" class="pagenum" title="102"></a>
+Jack replied, smiling, “You’re beginning to sound like a wife
+already.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+And now, here they were, waiting on yellow oak chairs in
+the hall, while one couple after another passed in and out of
+the judge’s office with the classic stars in their eyes.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura, who was sitting quietly in her chair, said, “They all
+look so happy,” and drew courage from the fact.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“They’re scared witless,” Jack said, pacing up and down
+in front of her.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Jack!” Laura exclaimed, appalled. “They’ll hear you.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Ours will be a happier marriage than any of these,” he
+said with a contemptuous wave of his hand. He sat down
+suddenly beside her. “Ours could be damn near perfect, Laura,
+if we work at it a little. You know that? We won’t have to
+face the usual pitfalls. Ours will be different ... better.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I hope so, Jack,” she said in a near whisper, and a little
+thrill of passionate hope went through her.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Will you try, honey?” he asked.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I will. With all my heart I will.” She gave him a tremulous
+smile. “I want this to work, Jack, as much as you do. I’ll give
+it all I’ve got. I want terribly for it to be right.” And she
+meant it.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Then it will,” he said and his smile gave her a needed shot
+of confidence.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura had had some bad nights since she said yes to him.
+Awful hours of yearning for Tris had tormented her. Stray
+unwelcome thoughts of Beebo had hurt her even more.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+There were the lonely times when she thought about herself
+and Jack, so different, so dear to each other, and wondered
+if marital intimacy might not ruin it all with its innocent
+vulgarity. She tried to imagine Jack shaving in the morning
+... the toilet flushing ... his wrinkled pajamas, still
+warm from sleep, tossed on the floor ... his naked loneliness
+mutely reproaching her. The idea of living with a man
+... a <em>man</em> ... made her think of her father, her huge
+heavy domineering father, with his aggressive maleness
+stamped all over his body.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+But for the most part, Laura tried not to think at all. She
+let Jack do her thinking. She let Jack make the plans. She let
+Jack take her by the hand and lead her where he deemed it
+best for her to go. And, trusting him, she went.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+So here they were outside Judge Sterling Webster’s door
+<a id="page-103" class="pagenum" title="103"></a>
+with its glass window and neatly stenciled name, and they
+were next in line. Their predecessors in the marriage mill were
+slower than the rest, or so it seemed. And by the time they
+came out Jack was very nervous.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+He herded her in ahead of him, and Judge Webster, as dignified
+and antique as his name, stood to greet them with an
+extended hand.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+In less than five minutes he pronounced them man and wife
+and they signed the certificate of marriage. Jack turned to
+Laura and kissed his tall and trembling young wife on her
+cheek. He gave the Judge ten dollars, and then he took Laura’s
+arm and steered her out again to let the next impatient couple
+take over.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura had to sit down for a minute on one of the limed oak
+chairs and cover her face with her hands. Jack leaned over her
+and said, “You’re setting a lousy example, Mother. Every
+female here is watching you and figuring me for a wife-beater.
+Come on, Mrs. Mann.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+She looked up and saw him grinning at her, and it gave her
+a lift. She grasped his hand and let him pull her to her feet.
+He was beaming, and Laura had to smile at all the nervous
+cynicism of half an hour ago.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+They went straight to the apartment to rest for a while
+before they went out to dinner. Jack had made reservations
+for them at the Stork Club.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“We’ll have a proper honeymoon at Christmastime,” he
+said, when they reached the house on East Fifty-third. “I’ll
+take a month off then. I have it coming.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Ignoring Laura’s protests, he insisted on carrying her across
+the threshold. He swung her up easily, to their mutual pleasure.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Jack, I think you’re the world’s worst sentimentalist,” she
+teased him when he set her down, but he denied it at once.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“God forbid!” he said. “I just don’t want anything to go
+wrong. We’re going to do it all right, right from the start.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“And you’re superstitious.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+He laughed with delight. “Laura,” he said and came to
+take her hands. “I’m so happy. You’ve made me so happy.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I haven’t done a thing, yet,” she said, wondering a little
+at him, at his uncontainable good spirits.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“You’ve married me. That’s something,” he said. “I’m a
+married man. God Almighty, think of it!”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“If you were any prouder you’d explode,” she giggled.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+<a id="page-104" class="pagenum" title="104"></a>
+“I just may,” he said. And they gazed at each other with a
+huge, wordless approval and relief.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“This calls for a celebration,” he said suddenly. “I got a
+little something—”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Oh, Jack, no drinking,” she said. “I don’t have to have a
+drink, really. I don’t want you to get started.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“No nagging on our wedding day,” he said and produced a
+bottle of champagne from the refrigerator. He poured her a
+glassful and himself a swallow. “Medicinal,” he explained, and
+they toasted each other. He made her drink all of hers and
+kept pace with her with ginger ale. “I feel so good, by God,
+I don’t even need it,” he said, and laughed.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura watched him affectionately. She had never seen him
+so animated, so happy. He glowed with it. He was almost
+handsome, with his brilliant eyes and his proud smile. It made
+her feel a little like crying, and she stopped him in the middle
+of a delirious tirade of compliments to say, “Jack, please. You
+embarrass me. I’m afraid I won’t live up to it all.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Oh, but you will. I’ll beat you if you don’t,” he said, laughing,
+and kissed her cheek. And she caught his hands and kissed
+them.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“You’d think we were a couple of normal people,” she said.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+He sobered a little, sitting down on the floor in front of her.
+“They have no monopoly on happiness, Mother. We have a
+right to our share. We have a chance now. We can make
+something beautiful of it together.” He stopped and chuckled
+at himself. “I sound like a bad poem,” he said. “But I mean it.
+I have so many wonderful plans, so many hopes.” And the
+thought of that bright-eyed little girl he had cherished for so
+long danced into his head.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura couldn’t look at his face. She got up and went to lie
+on her bed.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+They stayed up very late and Laura had too much champagne
+and Jack had too much ginger ale, and they talked
+endlessly and held one another’s hands tightly. And the next
+day they slept until four in the afternoon and got up smiling
+to treat Laura’s hangover and make the beds and shop for
+groceries together. And Jack introduced her to the butcher
+with, “Meet my wife. She’s a doll.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura blushed crimson and the butcher laughed at them
+and tried to sell them some oysters. “You want kids? Buy
+oysters,” he advised. “Never fails. I know, I got eight.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+<a id="page-105" class="pagenum" title="105"></a>
+It was smooth and sweet the first few months; smoother
+than either of them had dared to hope. Laura was naturally
+mild and yielding; Jack, efficient and good-humored and terribly
+proud of her. As soon as they had enough chairs and
+crates collected to seat a fair number of guests, they threw
+a party and Jack’s office staff came to wish them well.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+None of them knew he was a homosexual. Jack was a past
+master at deception. “You have to be if you’re going to survive
+in the world,” he said to her once. “It’s either that or
+retire into a rotten little prison with the rest of the gay people
+and spend your life feeling sorry for yourself. No thanks,
+not for me. Sex rules my nights. But by God, as far as the
+world knows, I’m a normal man from dawn to dusk. And
+there isn’t one guy in that office who’d question it.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+She admired him for it. Her own vagrant sensuality had
+dominated her ever since the fatal day she first recognized it,
+and her efforts to hide it or deny it had always backfired sooner
+or later. Jack filled her with determination to make herself a
+part of what he called “the real world,” the <em>straight</em> world.
+He made it seem very desirable to her for the first time.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Jack’s office buddies brought their wives, except for two
+dauntless bachelors who spent the evening berating Jack for
+treason.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Are they gay?” Laura asked him in a whisper. “The unmarried
+ones?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Not gay, just scared,” he said. “Winslow is, though. That
+one over there with the gorgeous wife. Poor guy, I don’t think
+he knows it. They aren’t very happy.” And he nodded at the
+suave young man in his early thirties with a stunning and
+rather bored young woman beside him. Laura looked at the
+girl without a trace of desire and felt a quiet little spark of
+triumph. The future looked bright if she could be around so
+lovely a woman without even a hungry glance.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+The autumn months passed uneventfully, and they got used
+to each other, and most of their worst fears abated. Jack never
+wandered around the apartment naked, out of instinctive
+respect for Laura. He did drop his socks all over the floor and
+leave his dresser drawers open. But he never lost his temper.
+He took her out to dinner once or twice a week, and he
+brought her flowers and books and pretty things that caught
+his eye in the windows of the stores he passed.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+And he loved her. It sustained Laura through her low hours
+<a id="page-106" class="pagenum" title="106"></a>
+of doubt and confusion. She was the weak one of the two,
+and they both knew it. There were times when Jack had to
+be strong enough for both of them; times when Laura would
+cling to him weeping and tell him it was all a horrible mistake
+and she couldn’t live without Tris, no matter how godawful it
+would be.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+And then he didn’t argue with her. He only said, “If you
+have to go, go, but come back. I want you here tonight at
+dinner time. I want you here in the morning when I get up.
+There’ll be women in your life, I’m prepared for that, honey.
+Tris won’t be the last. But there’s only one man, and there
+will only be one man and don’t you ever forget it.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+He sounded so sensible and firm to her that her unrest
+would disappear. Now and then, when she was not in a
+passion for Tris, they talked about it. And she would say,
+“I know it’ll happen one of these days, but I won’t let it hurt
+us, Jack. When I can think about it like this, rationally and
+without fear, I know I can handle it. I won’t panic when the
+time comes. I’ll just accept it as quietly as I can. I won’t let it
+touch our marriage.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Good girl,” he said and squeezed her arm.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+There was no sex between them. Neither of them wanted
+it, and that was the way they planned it. Jack would make her
+take his arm when they went anywhere because he was proud
+of her. And he gave her a friendly peck when he left in the
+morning and when he came back at night. When she was
+frightened or depressed he held her and stroked her hair
+and talked to her the way she had always prayed her father
+would. And he liked to lie with his head in her lap and have
+her read to him before they went to bed.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+But that was the limit of their physical contact. It was
+affectionate and gentle but utterly sexless. After the first few
+weeks, Laura began to like it. She had been shy at first and
+reluctant. But he didn’t force her, and after a while she
+welcomed his little gestures of love. They spelled security and
+reassurance to her. Suddenly it occurred to her that Jack was
+a man who was taking care of his woman. And she relaxed.
+She felt her nerves ease and her tension relax. The apartment
+was quiet and pretty, and Laura, who was lazy as a cat for
+the first time in her life, felt like a princess.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+They felt a mutual gratitude toward each other. Jack came
+home for the first time in his life to a warm kitchen and a
+<a id="page-107" class="pagenum" title="107"></a>
+charming young wife. And just the thought of Laura reminded
+him, with a deep fine thrill, that he was married; he
+was truly a man. It was worth a lifetime of homosexual
+adventures.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura went to pains to please him, to show him that she
+cared and that she was working to make things right as she
+had promised him. And they were, all things considered,
+happy.
+</p>
+
+<p class="tb">
+* * *
+</p>
+
+<p class="noindent">
+It wasn’t until Terry’s letter came, forwarded from Jack’s
+old address in the Village, that Laura felt even the slightest
+apprehension that anything was to go wrong. And the note
+was postmarked San Francisco and seemed so far away that
+she recovered promptly from the first shock and sat in the
+kitchen with the rest of the mail on the table in front of her,
+wondering what to do.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura and Jack had made a strict rule never to open each
+other’s mail and never to ask prying questions. But Laura
+hated to think of the turn it would give Jack to have this
+ghost from his past rise up to haunt him.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+She turned and looked out the window at the sparse snow,
+falling that first day of December, and played with Terry’s
+letter, letting it slip from corner to corner through her fingers.
+She burned with curiosity.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+<em>I could just steam it open</em>, she mused. <em>He’d never know the
+difference. Damn that Terry anyway! Who does he think he
+is! After the hell he put Jack through, he has a lot of nerve.
+I’ll bet he wants some money.</em>
+</p>
+
+<p>
+She could bear it no longer. She got up and went to the
+stove, where she had a kettle full of hot water left over from
+breakfast, and turned the heat on under it. The glued flap of
+the envelope surrendered to the steam in a quiet curl. Laura
+held the letter a moment longer before opening it, feeling very
+guilty. But she loved Jack and she felt a fierce desire to spare
+him more pain. Besides, her curiosity was smothering her. She
+rationalized that Jack had told her himself he had given up
+the gay life forever, and that included Terry. What if this
+set him to drinking again?
+</p>
+
+<p>
+She sat down and pulled the letter out with nervous hands.
+It was rather a short note, folded twice, and she opened it
+and read it quickly. It was not dated.
+</p>
+
+<div class="letter">
+<p class="noindent">
+“Dear Jack. Have been out here in S.F. since September.
+<a id="page-108" class="pagenum" title="108"></a>
+What a crazy town. You’d love it. Have a nice apartment
+on Telegraph Hill with a kid I met at a party a
+month ago. (Not the same one you beat up the night you
+kicked me out.)”
+</p>
+
+</div>
+
+<p class="noindent">
+<em>God! He just has to rub it in. He’s just the kind of guy to
+mention such a thing</em>, Laura thought, hot with indignation.
+</p>
+
+<div class="letter">
+<p class="noindent">
+“Don’t know how long I’ll be out here. I sort of miss
+the Village. And you. Why don’t you come out for a
+visit? We’ve got lots of room.”
+</p>
+
+</div>
+
+<p class="noindent">
+<em>He doesn’t seem to realize it would damn near kill Jack</em>,
+Laura thought. <em>He’s hopeless. It never occurs to him that Jack
+would go crazy in a situation like that. Or does it?</em>
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura was used to the idea of Terry as a good-natured
+scatterbrained boy who hurt people, mostly Jack, with monotonous
+regularity—largely because he didn’t think about what
+he was doing. Usually, this was true enough. But the rest of
+his letter made her wonder if he weren’t deliberately needling
+Jack, trying to get him to come out to the coast.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+She continued to read the tidy blue ink script.
+</p>
+
+<div class="letter">
+<p class="noindent">
+“I do miss you, lover. I was always so unsettled before
+we met.”
+</p>
+
+</div>
+
+<p class="noindent">
+<em>Before, after, and during</em>, Laura fumed.
+</p>
+
+<div class="letter">
+<p class="noindent">
+“And now it’s worse than before. I used to feel so safe
+and comfortable with you, like you’d always watch out
+for me, no matter what. I guess that’s a selfish way to
+look at it, but I wish we were back together. If you by
+any chance want it that way too, write to me. Write to
+me anyway, I really want to hear from you. Love, Terry.”
+</p>
+
+</div>
+
+<p class="noindent">
+He signed his name with an elaborate flourish, like a fifth-grade
+child drunk on the possibilities of fancy penmanship.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura folded the letter and stuck it back in the envelope
+and wrote a brief sizzling note in answer. She said:
+</p>
+
+<div class="letter">
+<p class="noindent">
+“Terry—Jack and I are married. You are not welcome
+here, now or ever. Jack asked me to write and tell you
+that he does not want to be bothered with any more
+letters from you and he will not answer any if you do
+write. Please leave us alone. Laura.”
+</p>
+
+</div>
+
+<p class="noindent">
+It sounded sharp and cold, and she had a momentary feeling
+of misgiving. Terry was a nice kid, in spite of it all. Everybody
+liked him, even Laura. But she couldn’t risk having him
+torment Jack. It had to sound mean or he wouldn’t believe it.
+She put the note in an envelope, sealed and stamped it, and
+<a id="page-109" class="pagenum" title="109"></a>
+copied his San Francisco address on it. Then she burned
+Terry’s letter over the stove.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+When Jack came home that evening Laura’s note was in
+the mail and Terry’s was in ashes in the wastebasket.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Any mail?” he asked her.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Just a bill from the laundry,” she said.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+But it bothered her. It came to her at odd moments and it
+seemed ominous and frightening to her, like the first sign of
+a break-up. She had broken her promise to him, and it didn’t
+help much to tell herself she did it only to protect him. <em>I’m
+not going to let anybody hurt what we’ve got, least of all
+Terry Fleming</em>, she thought.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+The thought of having it all end between her and Jack,
+suddenly and cruelly, in one big drunk on Jack’s part or wild
+romance on hers, scared and depressed her. It mustn’t end
+that way. They needed each other too much. Their marriage
+had helped them think of each other as normal. They felt as
+if they knew where they were going now and life was much
+better.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura missed women. She missed them desperately sometimes.
+But she was sure now, deep within herself, that the time
+would come when she and Jack would be secure with each
+other for the rest of their lives; when they would be able to
+trust each other without reservation and trust the strength
+of their union. When they reached that point, it would be
+safe to satisfy her desires.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+As for Jack, he was through with men forever. He had said
+it and she believed him. The thought that he might take a
+lover himself some day never occurred to her. It just wouldn’t
+happen. Nor had she asked him about Terry. Jack was so
+determinedly happy with her that she was afraid to mention
+Terry.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+It seemed strange to Laura, however, that Beebo didn’t try
+to find her. She might have found them, one way or another.
+But there was no word from her. Laura couldn’t help wanting
+to know what she was doing. She didn’t feel the old, urgent,
+painful need for Tris, but there was a persistent want that was
+strong enough to make her wince now and then.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Jack told her once, “If anything bothers you, tell me about
+it. Don’t sit around letting it eat you up. Better to talk about
+it and get it out of your system.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+And when he saw that she was pensive he made her talk.
+<a id="page-110" class="pagenum" title="110"></a>
+But when he didn’t see it, she kept it to herself. There were
+times when Laura couldn’t share her feelings, when she just
+hugged them to herself and brooded.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Several times she had nearly talked herself into going down
+to the Village to wander around. She wouldn’t go near her
+old apartment. Or Tris’s studio. Or even Lili’s apartment.
+She wasn’t a fool, she wouldn’t risk being caught.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+But she was tempted, sometimes almost hypnotized, by the
+idea.
+</p>
+
+<div class="chapter">
+
+<h2 class="chapter" id="chapter-0-8">
+<a id="page-111" class="pagenum" title="111"></a>
+8
+</h2>
+
+</div>
+
+<p class="first">
+It was Christmas Eve. They had a fine big tree, freshly
+green in a sea of lights and tinsel. No honeymoon, as they
+had hoped; the office couldn’t spare Jack. So they had a party
+instead.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I hate those damn pink trees,” Jack had said when they
+picked theirs out. “Or gold, or white, or whatever-the-hell
+color they’re making them this year. Give me a nice healthy
+green.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+They celebrated at the party and Jack drank eggnog without
+whiskey and Laura was very pleased with him. There was a
+lovely girl there—unmarried and probably gay. Laura flirted
+with her in spite of herself.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Jack teased her about it when they met briefly in the
+kitchen—he to make drinks and she to get more hors d’oeuvres
+from the refrigerator. “Looks like you got a live one,” he said.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura blushed. “Was I too obvious?” she asked, scared.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“No,” he said. “I just have X-ray eyes, remember?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I shouldn’t—”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Oh, hell,” he said with a good-natured wave of his hand.
+“Flirt, it’s good for you. Just don’t elope with her.” He gave
+her a grin and went out, holding five highballs precariously.
+She felt a flush of love for him, watching him.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+It was three a.m. Christmas day before they got rid of
+everybody. Laura threw herself in their expensive new sofa
+and surveyed the wreckage with a sigh.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I’m not even going to pick it up,” she said. “I’m not going
+to touch a thing till morning.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“That’s the spirit,” Jack said. He fixed them both a cup of
+coffee, settled down beside her in the rainbow glow of the
+Christmas tree and took her hand with a sigh of satisfaction.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“That’s the first goddam Christmas tree I ever had,” he
+said. And when she laughed he protested solemnly, “Honest.
+And this is the first Christmas that ever meant anything to
+me.” He turned his head, resting against the back of the sofa,
+and smiled at her....
+</p>
+
+<p>
+<a id="page-112" class="pagenum" title="112"></a>
+“You shouldn’t swear at Christmas,” Laura told him.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+He gazed at her for a while and then asked, “Are you in
+love with Kristi? Wasn’t that her name?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Yes, it was her name. No, I’m not in love. With anybody.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Me?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Oh, you. That’s different.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+She smiled a little and sipped her coffee, and then she
+leaned back on the sofa beside him, absorbed in the soft sparkle
+of the tree.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Jack was still watching her. “Laura?” he said in an exploratory
+voice.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Hm?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“What would you think of adopting a child?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+She stared at a golden pine cone, her face suddenly a cautious
+blank. “I don’t know,” she said.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Have you ever thought about it?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“A little.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“What did you think?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I told you. Kids scare me.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+He bit his underlip, frowning. “I want one,” he said at
+last. “Would you be willing to—<em>have</em> one?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“You mean—” She swallowed. “—get pregnant?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Yes,” he said, smiling at her outraged face. “Oh, don’t
+worry, Mother. We’d do it the easy way.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“There is no easy way!” she fired at him. “What way?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+He took a long drag on his cigarette and answered, “Artificial
+insemination.” She gasped, but he went on quickly, “Now
+before you get your dander up let me explain. I’ve thought
+it all out. Either we could adopt one, or—and this would be
+much better—we could <em>have</em> one. Our own. We can tell the
+Doc we’ve had trouble and let him try the insemination.
+There’s nothing to it, it doesn’t take five minutes. It doesn’t
+hurt. And if it worked ... God! Our own kid. You
+wouldn’t be afraid of your own, honey.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+There was a long pause while Laura sweated in silent alarm.
+Why did he bring it up tonight? Why? When they were so
+contented and pleased with each other, and the world was
+such a place of glittering enchantment.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Couldn’t we wait and talk about it later?” she asked.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Why not now?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Couldn’t I have time to think about it?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Sure. Think,” he said and she knew he meant, <em>I’ll give you
+<a id="page-113" class="pagenum" title="113"></a>
+five minutes to make up your mind</em>.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Jack, why do we have to do it right now? Why can’t we
+wait? We’ve only been married five months.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I can’t wait very long, Mother,” he said. “I’m forty-five.
+I don’t want to be an old man on crutches when my kid is
+growing up.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Maybe in the spring,” she said. The idea of becoming a
+mother terrified her. She had visions of herself hurting the
+baby, doing everything wrong; visions of her old passion
+coming on her and shaming them all; selfish thoughts of her
+beautiful, new, leisurely laziness being ruined.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“What would I ever tell any child of mine if it caught me—with
+a woman?” she said awkwardly.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Tell it for Chrissake to knock before entering a room,”
+he said, and something in his voice and manner told her that
+he had set his heart on this long ago.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Would you <em>insist</em> on having a baby, Jack?” she asked him
+defiantly.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+He was looking at the ceiling and he expelled a cloud of
+blue smoke at it and answered softly, “I want you to be
+happy, Laura. This marriage is for both of us.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+There was a long silence. “I think I would hate myself if
+I ever got pregnant,” she said, ashamed of her vanity but
+clinging to it stubbornly. “God, how awful. All those aches
+and pains and months of looking like hell, and for what?
+What if the baby weren’t normal? What if I couldn’t be a
+good mother to it<a id="corr-17"></a>?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+He shrugged and then he said, “All right. We’ll adopt one.
+That way at least we can be sure of getting a girl.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura wrung her hands together in a nervous frenzy. The
+last thing she wanted to do was hurt Jack. And yet she could
+feel the dogged one-mindedness in him, feel his enormous
+desire.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“A man needs a child,” he said softly. “So does a woman.
+That’s the whole reason for life. There is no other.” And he
+glanced up at her and all the Christmas lights reflected on the
+lenses of his glasses. “We can’t live our lives just for ourselves,”
+he said. “Or we live them for nothing. We die, monuments
+to selfishness.... I want a child, Laura.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Is that why you married me?” she asked with sudden
+sharpness, feeling as if he had cornered her.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I married you because I love you,” he said.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+<a id="page-114" class="pagenum" title="114"></a>
+“Then why do you keep badgering me about a child?” she
+demanded.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“This is the first time I’ve mentioned it since we got married,”
+he reminded her gently.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“You act as if just because <em>you</em> want one it’s all settled,”
+she said, and surprised herself by bursting into tears. He took
+her in his arms, abandoning his cigarette, and said, “No,
+honey, nothing’s settled. But think about it, Laura. Think
+hard.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+They sat that way, hugging each other and watching the
+Christmas tree, letting the cigarette slowly burn itself out,
+and they didn’t mention it again. But from that moment on
+it was very big between them, unspoken but felt.
+</p>
+
+<p class="tb">
+* * *
+</p>
+
+<p class="noindent">
+Jack did not mention a child to her again for a while. But
+as the weeks slipped by Laura began to feel a growing dissatisfaction.
+She didn’t know where it came from or what it
+meant. At home, in the apartment, it was shapeless. Outside
+it took the shape of girls. When she went out for groceries
+or to shop or to have dinner with Jack, she found herself
+looking around hopefully, gazing a little too boldly, desiring.
+Jack saw it too before long, but he said nothing.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura felt selfish, and she didn’t like the feeling. She blamed
+it on Jack. It made her want to get away from him for a bit.
+And soon the wish crystallized in her mind to a desire for the
+Village, and began to haunt her.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+She knew she ought to tell Jack she wanted to go. He would
+never stand in her way, as long as she was there at night to
+cook his meals and be a fond companion to him. As long as
+she let him in on it and kept it clean.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+But she was embarrassed. She didn’t want to tell him and
+see his disappointment and know she was so much weaker
+than he. So she kept it secret and let it fester inside her until
+it had grown, by March, to a great, irritating problem.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Then, one fine, sunny morning in the first week of spring,
+the phone rang.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+<em>It’ll be Ginny Winston</em>, she thought. One of their neighbors.
+<em>She’ll want to go shopping again. I guess we might as
+well, it’ll keep me out of trouble.</em> Ginny was thirty-five, a
+widow, a nice girl but hopelessly man-happy.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura grabbed the receiver after the fourth ring. “Hello?”
+she said.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+<a id="page-115" class="pagenum" title="115"></a>
+“Laura? How are you?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Fine, thanks. Who’s this?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Terry.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Terry who?” She gasped suddenly. “Terry! Terry Fleming?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Yes.” He chuckled. “Guess how I found you?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+She hung up. She just slammed the phone down in place
+and stood there shaking. Then she sat down and cried, waiting
+for the thing to start ringing again. She had no doubt it would.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+It did. She picked it up again, and before he could say anything
+she told him, “I don’t care how you found us. I don’t
+want you around here. Don’t you come near this place Terry,
+or I’ll—I don’t know what I’ll do. You can’t, you mustn’t. Do
+you hear me?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Yes,” he said, astonished. “What’s the matter?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Didn’t you get my letter?” she asked him.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Sure. You’re married. Congratulations, I always thought
+it’d happen. You got a great guy there, Laur. I wish I had
+him.” And he laughed pleasantly.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Terry, you’re incredible,” she said. “I don’t want you to
+come near Jack. That’s final.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Go on,” he laughed. “I thought I’d come over this afternoon.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“You can’t!” She felt as she did in nightmares when she
+tried to talk and no one could hear her. She felt as if all her
+words fell on deaf ears.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Sure I can. I thought we’d—”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Look, Terry, I’m not going to tell him you’re in town,”
+she said, fighting a nerve-rasping frustration with him. “I’m
+just going to let it go, and I’m telling you right now that if
+you show up over here it’ll hurt him more than he can stand.
+You broke his heart and that should be enough for you. You
+won’t get any more of him!” She felt fiercely protective and
+loving, now that their life together seemed threatened. She
+would fight Terry every way she knew. And yet she had to
+admit to herself that Terry had more to fight with than she
+if it ever came to a showdown. That was why it was so important
+to keep him away.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Jack was a very sensual man and he had been deeply in love
+with Terry. He still was, in spite of everything. His love for
+Laura was different; strong, she was sure, but could it stand
+up to a sudden white-hot blast of passion?
+</p>
+
+<p>
+<a id="page-116" class="pagenum" title="116"></a>
+“You sound real bitter, Laura,” Terry said reproachfully.
+“I thought you were sort of kidding in your letter.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I’ve never been more serious, Terry. Stay away from us!”
+She hung up again. When she took her hand away there was
+a ring of wet on the black handle. She cried all day, feeling
+angry and helpless.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Jack got home at five, but she told him nothing. She was
+gentle and solicitous with him in a way he had missed for a
+couple of months. She read to him and she chatted with him,
+and underneath it all was a tremulous fear of disaster that
+made her feel a great tenderness for him. He seemed vulnerable
+to her. If she betrayed him she would embitter him more than
+she was able to imagine. The thought was terrifying.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Mother, you need a change,” he said when they had finished
+dinner.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I do?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Leave the dishes and scram.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+She felt a little spark of fear. “Are you kicking me out?” she
+asked.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I sure as hell am, you doll,” he said. “Get thee hence.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Where?” His laughter relieved her.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“The Village. Where else?” And when she stared at him,
+wordless, he added, “You need it, honey. You’re nervous as a
+cat. Go on, have a ball.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“You’re kidding!”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I’ll give you three minutes to get out of here,” he said with
+a glance at his watch.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura hesitated for a few seconds until he looked at her
+over the top of the paper again and then she ran, heels ringing
+staccato on the polished wood floor of the hall, and got her
+coat and purse. On the way out she stooped to kiss his cheek.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Jack, I adore you,” she whispered, to which he only smiled.
+At the door she turned and said, “I’ll be home early.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“No curfew,” he said solemnly.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura went first to the Cellar, a favorite hangout in Greenwich
+Village. The tourists had begun to stop there by this time,
+but the gay crowd outnumbered them still and it wasn’t primarily
+a trap. The prices were reasonable and the decor
+smoky.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura settled at the bar with a sigh of sheer pleasure. All
+she wanted to do was sit there quietly and look at them ...
+those lovely girls, dozens of them, with ripe lips and rounded
+<a id="page-117" class="pagenum" title="117"></a>
+hips in tight pants or smooth skirts. And the big ones, the
+butches, who acted like men and expected to be treated as
+such. They were the ones who excited Laura the most, when
+it came right down to it. Women, women ... she loved
+them all, especially the big girls with the firm strides and the
+cigarettes in their mouths.... She realized with chagrin that
+she was thinking of Beebo.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+<em>God, what if she’s here?</em> she thought with a wonderful scare
+running up her spine. She looked around, but Beebo was
+nowhere in sight.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+<em>I wonder if she has a job, poor darling. I wonder if Lili’s
+still supporting her. I wonder if she’s still drinking so much
+... if she thinks of me at all.... Oh, what’s the matter
+with me? What do I care? She nearly drove me crazy!</em>
+</p>
+
+<p>
+She thought of Tris suddenly, of that marvelous fragrant
+tan skin. In fact she indulged in an orgy of suggestive thoughts
+that would have driven her crazy cooped up at home. But
+here, surrounded with people who felt and thought much as
+she did, it was all right. It was safe somehow. She could even
+spend the evening flirting with somebody, if anybody caught
+her eye, and it would come to no harm. Just a night’s outing.
+Nothing more.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+<em>Tris ... Tris ... she would never show up in a place
+like this. She’d shun it like the plague. All the same it would
+be nice. So nice.</em>
+</p>
+
+<p>
+But the harder Laura concentrated on Tris the more insistently
+Beebo obsessed her. Laura shrugged her off and
+ordered another drink. She laughed a little to herself and said,
+<em>But I don’t love her at all any more.</em> And she turned to talk
+to the girl beside her.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+The girl was very charming: small and curly-headed and
+pretty, and she laughed a lot. And soon Laura was laughing
+with her and learned that Inga was her name. But that face,
+that damned face of Beebo’s, strong and handsome and hard
+with too much living, kept looking at her through the haze of
+Inga’s cigarette.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Did you ever have somebody plague your thoughts, Inga?”
+she asked her abruptly. “Somebody you’d nearly forgotten
+and weren’t in love with any more, and never really were in
+love with?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“What’s her name?” Inga asked sympathetically.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Oh, nobody you’d know.” She was fairly sure Inga <em>would</em>
+<a id="page-118" class="pagenum" title="118"></a>
+know, if she frequented the Cellar. If she’d hung around the
+Village long enough she’d know most of the characters by
+sight, if not personally. Beebo was one of the characters. And
+she had been around here for fourteen years. “How long have
+you lived down here?” Laura asked the girl.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Two years next month.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+<em>Long enough</em>, Laura thought.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I’ll bet I know her. She ever come in here? Come on, tell
+me,” Inga said.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I can’t.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“You’re silly, then. I’ll clue you in on something, Laura. If
+you can’t get her off your mind it’s because you can’t get her
+out of your heart. That sounds corny but it’s true. I found
+out the hard way. Believe me.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura shook her head. “I never loved her,” she said positively.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“You’re fooling yourself, sweetie.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura looked at her, bemused. “I’m in love with somebody
+else,” she said, thinking of Tris.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Me?” Inga grinned.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“No. No, an Indian girl.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Indian? What’s her name?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Tris.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Tris! Gee, I <em>do</em> know her. She comes in here a lot.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura stared at her, too shocked to answer for a minute.
+Finally she said hoarsely, “Tris would never come in here.
+She hates gay bars. I know that for a fact.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Well....” Inga looked as if she knew she had put her
+foot in her mouth and regretted it. “Maybe it’s a different
+Tris.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“What’s her last name?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Robischon, or something. Something Frenchy. I think she
+made it up myself. But she’s a gorgeous girl. I was really
+smitten when I saw her.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura blanched a little and ordered another drink and drank
+it down fast, and Inga laid a hand on her arm. “Gee, I’m sorry,
+Laura,” she said. “Me and my big mouth. I should learn to
+shut up. But I’m in here all the time. I come in after work
+and I see just about everybody—”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I know, I know. It’s okay, Inga.” She ordered another
+drink. “I’d rather know than not,” she said. “Besides, I haven’t
+seen the girl for eight months. It’d be pretty strange if nobody
+<a id="page-119" class="pagenum" title="119"></a>
+found out about her in eight months. She’s beautiful.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“That she is. Somebody’s found out, all right. A lot of
+people, I hear.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Does she come in here alone?” The whole thing seemed
+incredible to Laura. Tris! So aloof, so chilly, so much better
+than the rest of the gay crowd. Tris, who wouldn’t go near
+Fire Island for a summer vacation because it was “crawling
+with queers.” It just couldn’t be. But Inga certainly wasn’t
+describing anybody else.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“She comes with somebody else,” Inga said reluctantly.
+“Look, sweetie, why don’t you come over to my place and have
+a nightcap. We can’t talk in here.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I’d like to know, Inga. Tell me. Who does she come in
+with?” Laura turned and looked at her, swiveling slowly on
+her stool, a little tipsy and feeling suddenly as if the situation
+were something of a joke.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Oh ... a big gal. Been around the Village for years.
+You might know her. Beebo Brinker’s her name.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura sat there frozen for nearly a minute. It <em>was</em> a joke—colossal,
+cruel, hilarious. She laughed uncertainly and ordered
+another drink.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I knew you were going to say that,” she told Inga. “Isn’t
+that the damnedest thing? Isn’t that the goddamnedest thing?”
+And she began to laugh again, repeating, when she could get
+her breath, “I knew you were going to say that.” Inga had to
+slap her face to stop the shrieking, irrepressible giggles that
+were strangling her. Then Laura’s laughter changed, in the
+space of a breath, to tears.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Inga talked to her quietly with that odd intimacy that
+springs up between homosexuals in trouble, and it helped.
+After five or six minutes Laura wiped her eyes and drank her
+drink and let Inga help her out of the Cellar. A few curious
+eyes followed them and Laura prayed again that nobody she
+knew had seen her.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+The cold air braced her a little, and she stood on the
+corner weaving slightly and trying to get her bearings.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Come on,” Inga said. “Let’s get some hot coffee into you.
+I live just a couple of blocks from here. Come on.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura let herself be led by the diminutive curly-head, but
+when she saw they were headed for Cordelia Street she began
+to get scared. “Beebo lives near here,” she said, hanging back.
+“I mean—she used to.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+<a id="page-120" class="pagenum" title="120"></a>
+“She still does,” Inga said. “I see her now and then. I live
+right over there.” She pointed.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura brushed the girl’s hand from her sleeve and turned to
+her. “Thanks, Inga,” she said. “Thanks anyway, but I think
+I’ll....” And her eyes wandered back into Cordelia Street.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Inga followed her gaze, catching the idea. “I wouldn’t if
+I were you,” she said. “You’ll be real sorry the minute you get
+there.” When Laura didn’t answer she asked, “Tell me, which
+one of them is it?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Which one?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“That you just can’t get off your mind?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura looked back up the street where she used to live and
+said softly, “Beebo. It’s crazy, isn’t it? Beebo. And it’s Tris
+I’m in love with.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Yeah,” said Inga with kindly skepticism. “Sure.... Have
+some coffee with me?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura leaned over on a whim and kissed her cheek. “That’s
+for being a woman,” she said. “You don’t know what a help
+it’s been.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Inga stood on the corner and watched Laura walk away
+from her. “Any time you want that coffee, Laura,” she called.
+“I’m in the phone book.”
+</p>
+
+<p class="tb">
+* * *
+</p>
+
+<p class="noindent">
+Laura stood in front of the door into her old apartment
+building for a long while on trembling legs before she turned
+the knob and walked in.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+<em>What if they’re together?</em> she wondered. <em>They’ll just grab
+me and wring my neck. God, all those questions Tris used to
+ask me about Beebo. And it never entered my love-sick head!</em>
+</p>
+
+<p>
+She crossed the little inner court to the second door, opened
+it, and went to the row of mailboxes to press the buzzer. She
+found Beebo’s name, with her own crossed out beneath it but
+no other added. And a weird, wonderful panic grabbed her
+throat at the thought of Beebo.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+She left the buzzer without pressing it and walked up the
+flight of stairs to stand in front of the door that had once been
+her own, with Beebo still swimming before her eyes.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+She could picture her more and more clearly: wearing pants
+and going barefoot, tired at the end of the day and maybe a
+little high; a cigarette in her mouth and a towel tied around
+her middle while she did dishes or cleaned up the apartment;
+the smooth skin on her face and the handsome features that
+<a id="page-121" class="pagenum" title="121"></a>
+used to fire Laura’s imagination and make her tingle; the tired
+eyes, blue and brilliant and somehow a little sick of it all ...
+except when they focused on Laura.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura remembered how it had been and a sudden flash of
+physical longing caught her heart and squeezed until she felt
+her breath come short. She stared at the door, afraid to knock
+and still hypnotized with curiosity. Her hand was raised, quivering,
+only inches from the green painted wood.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+<em>Tris will open it</em>, she thought, <em>and together they’ll strangle
+me</em>. Oddly, she didn’t care. She was too tight to care. She had
+a vision of herself falling into their arms and succumbing without
+a struggle. Just letting them have her life, her mixed-up,
+aimless, leftover life.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+She knocked—a quick scared rap, sharp and clear. And
+then stood there on one foot and the other, half panicky like
+a grade-schooler nearly ready to wet her pants and flee.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Footsteps. High heels. From the kitchen, Beebo’s voice.
+“Who the hell could that be? After ten, isn’t it?” <em>Oh, that
+voice! That husky voice that used to whisper such things to
+me that I can never forget.</em>
+</p>
+
+<p>
+The door swung open all at once, ushering a flood of light
+into the hall. Laura looked up slowly ... at Lili! The two
+of them stared at each other in mutual amazement for a moment.
+And while they stared, mute, Beebo called again, “Who
+is it, Lili?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Lili, her candy-box pretty face overlaid with too much
+makeup, as usual, broke into a big smile. “It’s Laura!” she
+exclaimed. “I’ll be goddamned. <em>Laura!</em>”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+For a tense moment Laura could feel Beebo’s shock across
+the rooms and through the walls like a physical touch. Then
+her courage melted—fizzled into nothing like water on a hot
+skillet, and she turned and ran.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+She heard Beebo at the door, before she got out into the
+court, saying, “Let her go, Lili. If she thinks I’m going to
+chase her twice—” And that was all Laura got of it. It shot
+through her heart like a bullet.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura reached the door to the street, tore it open, and
+rushed out. But once there, with the door shut behind her
+and no sound of pursuing footsteps, she collapsed against the
+wall and wept. Between sobs, when she could get her breath,
+she listened ... listened ... for the running feet that
+would mean Beebo had changed her mind. Laura had to believe,
+<a id="page-122" class="pagenum" title="122"></a>
+at least for a minute, that Beebo would come after her.
+Because it was all tied up in her mind with Beebo loving her.
+If Beebo loved her she’d chase her. It was that simple. And it
+didn’t matter a damn what Laura might have done to Beebo
+in the past, or how she might have hurt her.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+<em>Tris!</em> she thought. <em>I’ve got to see her!</em> She said this to herself
+very urgently, but curiously, at the same time, she felt no
+desire to go and find the lovely tormented dancer. She told
+herself it would be all fight and misery. But in her heart of
+hearts she knew that real love would brave that misery now,
+being so close and so starved for passion.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+She stood there for fully fifteen minutes before she was
+able to pull herself together and walk to Seventh Avenue. She
+went straight home in a cab.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura walked slowly up the stairs to her apartment. It was
+after eleven now, and Jack would be in bed. She had had
+too much to drink, but she was sober, a tired, bewildered sort
+of sobriety that made her want to lie down and weep and rest.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+In the morning she would tell it all to Jack. Wonderful
+Jack. He would coax her back to living, coax her with his wit
+and his compassion and his incredible patience with her. And
+she would lie in a welter of dejection and let him work on her
+until she felt like lifting her head from the pillow and raising
+the shade from the window and going on with life. It was one
+of the things she loved him for and needed him for the most—this
+ability to revive her when she was so low that only death
+was lower.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Tonight was perhaps not quite that bad. But it was bad
+enough to have exhausted her. And Tris and Beebo! That
+had been the cruelest blow; the one she should have foreseen
+clear as a beacon in a black sea. She shoved a trembling key
+into the lock and walked into the apartment.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+It was warm and well-lighted. It was pretty and it was comfortable.
+It was home. And Laura felt a sort of gratitude to
+Jack that needed words. She went to find him. But he wasn’t
+in the living room, nor in the bedroom.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+She stood on the threshold of the bedroom and said, “Jack?
+Hey, Jack! Where are you?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Here,” he said from the kitchen.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Oh. It’s me. I thought you’d be in bed.” She slipped her
+coat off while she walked through the living room to find him.
+“Hi,” she said. He was sitting on a kitchen chair and he
+<a id="page-123" class="pagenum" title="123"></a>
+answered, “Hi.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura stood in the doorway and looked at him. And he
+stared back at her, and she knew something was wrong but
+she didn’t know what. Her long fine hair had come loose when
+she ran from Beebo and she reached up and pulled it down
+in a shimmering cascade, watching Jack all the while through
+narrowed eyes.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Have fun?” he asked.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Beebo and Tris ... are ... shacking up.” She threw it
+at him point-blank. She wanted his sympathy.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Jack put his head back and laughed, that awful bitter laugh
+she hadn’t heard for months, and she knew with a sudden start
+of fear and pity that he was drunk. “That makes everything
+perfect,” he said, still laughing, his eyes wicked and sharp
+behind the horn rims.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Jack ...,” she said shakily, coming in to sit beside him
+and seeing now the whiskey bottle on the table in front of him,
+two-thirds empty. “Jack, darling.” She took his hands and
+her eyes were big with alarm.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Jack took his hands back. Not roughly, but as if he simply
+didn’t want to be touched. Not by Laura, anyway.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Mother, you are a living doll. If I had known you could
+keep secrets so well I’d have told you a few,” he said. He
+spoke, as always when he was drunk, with a slow precision,
+as if each word were a stepping stone.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Secrets?” Laura said.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“You are the living picture of guilt, my dear,” he said. “It
+is written all over your beautiful face.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura put her hands over that face suddenly with a gasp.
+“Terry!” she sobbed through clenched teeth. “<em>Terry!</em> If I
+hadn’t gone out he wouldn’t have come.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“He comes when the mood hits him,” Jack said. “Which
+is most of the time, most anywhere. It had nothing to do with
+you going out, my little wifey.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura looked up, her delicate face mottled pink and white
+and wet from the eyes down. “He wrote—”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Indeed he did. He told me the whole romantic story.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Jack, darling, I only kept it secret because I was afraid
+you’d—you’d start drinking, or something—I—”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“You hit the nail on the head. I’m indebted to you. Your
+solicitude is exemplary.” He waved the fast-emptying bottle
+at her.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+<a id="page-124" class="pagenum" title="124"></a>
+“Oh, shut up! Shut up! I <em>love</em> you. I did it because I love
+you.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“You opened my mail because you love me?” He continued
+to drink while he talked ... slowly, but steadily.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I knew it was from him, Jack. I just had a feeling. The
+handwriting and everything.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+He laughed ruefully. “Just think what you’ve spared me!”
+he said. “I can drink in peace now. My wife loves me. Thanks,
+wife.” He saluted her.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura slid off her chair to her knees and put her arms
+around him, still crying. “Jack, Jack, please forgive me. I’ll
+do anything, I couldn’t bear to hurt you, I’d die first. Oh,
+please—”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“You’re forgiven,” he interrupted her. “Why not?” And
+he kept on laughing. But his pardon was so light, so biting,
+that she cringed from it. She lifted her face to him, streaming
+with tears, and he said, smiling at her, “You make a lovely
+picture, Mother. Sort of Madonna-like. If I could paint you,
+I’d paint you. Black, I think. From head to toe.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+She put her head down on his knees and said softly, “You’ll
+never forgive me, will you?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I already have.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Never,” she whispered, stricken.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Oh, let’s not get maudlin,” he said. “I admit I would have
+been grateful for a little forewarning. But after all, it’s a
+simple question of sex. Maybe I should get rid of mine. That
+would solve everything.” And his soft, insane chuckling
+underlined everything he said.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura felt terror then. It rose and fell inside her like nausea.
+Whenever she looked at Jack it surged in her throat. It wasn’t
+the sweet guilty thrill of coming near Beebo that had cost her
+such sensual pain earlier in the evening.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Jack, darling,” she said.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Yes, Laura darling.” And the sarcasm burned her. But she
+went on, determined, raising herself back into her chair again
+with effort.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Tell me what happened. Tell me everything.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Oh, it was dandy,” he said. “You should have been here.
+Incidentally, he asked about your health.” Laura couldn’t
+watch him while he talked. She looked at her hands. And all
+the while he told her about it she kept thinking, <em>If only I
+hadn’t gone out tonight. Every time I do something completely
+<a id="page-125" class="pagenum" title="125"></a>
+selfish I suffer for it. And so does he. Damn Terry! Damn
+him to hell! He won’t ruin Jack, I won’t let him. This is once
+he won’t have his way.</em>
+</p>
+
+<p class="tb">
+* * *
+</p>
+
+<p class="noindent">
+It had been so completely unexpected, so startling, that Jack
+would never forget it or recover from it. Terry was as far
+removed from his life as if he were dead. And his life, Jack
+felt, had become a good thing at last. He had Laura to live
+for, not a wild, irresistible, good-for-nothing boy who wore
+him out and broke his heart and his bankroll. He had a new
+stature in the world as a married man, a new security. And
+the sweet hope of a child someday....
+</p>
+
+<p>
+When he heard the bell ring, almost an hour after Laura
+had gone out, he took it for a neighbor and stood with the
+front door open while the elevator ascended. But when Terry
+stepped out, Jack was speechless. He couldn’t believe it, and
+he would have slammed the door and passed it off as a nightmare
+if he could have moved a little faster.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+But Terry caught him and from then on it was as degrading
+and overwhelming as it had ever been. Jack put up the
+best fight he could, but it was little more than a gesture of
+protest. He was helplessly angry, helplessly infatuated. And
+all the while Terry prated to him of San Francisco and the
+Beats and the fog and the styles in clothes and the styles in
+love-making, Jack kept wondering, <em>How did he find me?</em> And
+the answer was, had to be, <em>Laura</em>. Laura had failed him.
+Betrayed him. It almost tore him apart.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Terry didn’t leave until nearly eleven, and Jack saw him
+out, still with the feeling that it hadn’t happened, that it was
+all an incredible dream. It wasn’t until he got the bottle and
+began to drink that he believed in it at all. By the time Laura
+got home he wished the whole damned world to hell, with
+himself first in line.
+</p>
+
+<p class="tb">
+* * *
+</p>
+
+<p class="noindent">
+“And that’s all,” Jack said. “Naturally, the only thing to
+do after he left was get drunk.” He had nearly finished the
+bottle and it was all he could do to get the words out. They
+left his mouth slowly, discreetly, each one a pearl of over-articulation.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura took away what was left—a shot or two at the most—and
+he didn’t even try to protest. She helped him up and
+half dragged, half carried him to the bedroom, where she
+<a id="page-126" class="pagenum" title="126"></a>
+dumped him on his bed. He was unconscious the minute she
+pushed his head down on the pillow. Laura undressed him,
+tears running down her face.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Sleep,” she said. “Sleep and forget it for a while. I’ll make
+it up to you, darling. All I wanted tonight was to cry on your
+shoulder. And you can’t even hold yourself up.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+She dragged and shoved and pulled until she got him under
+the covers. “He won’t get you, Jack,” she whispered. “You’d
+fight for me if I were in trouble. And I’ll fight for you.”
+</p>
+
+<p class="tb">
+* * *
+</p>
+
+<p class="noindent">
+In the morning, Laura got up, moving softly as a bird on
+the sand, and left him to himself in the bedroom, still noisily
+and miserably asleep with a full-blown, brutal hangover brewing
+under his closed eyes.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+She had to make it up to him, redeem herself. And she could
+only think of one thing. So before noon she called Terry and
+asked him to dinner.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Sounds great,” he said in innocent surprise and pleasure.
+“I was counting on mooching from you,” he admitted, laughing.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+When Jack woke up she told him what she had done. She
+waited until he had had four cups of coffee and eight aspirins
+and some forced warm milk and raw egg. He said nothing
+but “No. No! <em>No!</em>” to whatever she was trying to get into
+him. He sat in the kitchen with his head in his hands, and
+Laura began to fear he was still a little drunk. She had thrown
+out the rest of the whiskey.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Where’s the bottle?” he asked her finally, around the
+middle of the afternoon.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Gone. I tossed it.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+He nodded painfully, resigned.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Jack,” she said softly. “Terry’s coming to dinner.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+He lifted his throbbing head to gape at her. “Are you trying
+to kill me, Mother? Or just drive me nuts?” he said.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I’m going to save you. Save <em>us</em>,” she said passionately.
+“We’re at the crossroads, Jack. This is the first real crisis we’ve
+had. We can’t just fall apart. We have too much to save, too
+much worth saving. We have love, too, and I’m not going to
+let him hurt you any more.” Somehow in the strength she
+found to fight Jack’s battle was the strength to fight her own.
+The downright shock and humiliation of finding that her two
+ex-lovers were romancing might have thrown her into a full-blown
+<a id="page-127" class="pagenum" title="127"></a>
+depression. But now she hadn’t time. It was Jack’s turn.
+She loved him, she was absolutely sure of that. She was not
+absolutely sure she loved Tris any more. Nor was she sure
+now that she <em>didn’t</em> love Beebo. Jack was her security, her
+chosen life; he deserved her loyalty.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+But to her chagrin, her noble speech had very little effect
+on him. He got out of his chair with much agonized effort,
+making a face, and headed for the coat closet.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Where are you going?” she asked anxiously, running after
+him.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“For a bottle.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Oh, Jack, no!”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+He turned to face her, sliding awkwardly into his coat
+sleeves. “Do you want me to go through this sober?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Darling, you don’t even have to <em>look</em> at him! You can lock
+yourself in the john and sing hymns if you want to. I just
+want to talk to him.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“About the weather?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I’ll get him out of here, I swear I will!”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“How? With a can opener? TNT?” He was moving toward
+the door as he spoke with Laura clinging to his arm and trying
+to hold him back.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Darling, trust me!” she begged. She was not at all sure
+that she could get Terry out again, once he got in, but she had
+to make Jack calm down. She was frantic to stop him.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Trust you?” He turned and looked at her uncertainly, his
+hand on the front door knob, and gave a little snort. “That
+doesn’t work. I tried it.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Oh, you damn, fatuous idiot!” she cried in exasperation,
+dropping his arm to stamp to the middle of the room and face
+him from there as if from a podium. “I open <em>one</em> goddam
+letter—out of love and anxiety—to spare you pain. And the
+thing backfires. Do you have to crucify yourself? I said I was
+sorry and I am. I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry!” she
+yelled.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Were you born that way?” he snapped.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Shut up and listen!” she cried. “Jack, let me make it up
+to you, let me <em>try</em>. You have no right to call yourself my
+husband if you won’t give me a chance, and I’m telling you
+right now, Jack Mann, if you won’t I’ll walk out of this
+house and your life forever.” She paused, flushed and trembling,
+for breath, while Jack stared at her, surprised, half-convinced,
+<a id="page-128" class="pagenum" title="128"></a>
+and himself trembling slightly from the hangover.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Finally he went to the arm of the nearest chair and sat
+down and said, “All right, Wife. Read him the riot act while
+I sing hymns in the bathroom, if you think it’ll do any good.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Oh, Jack.” She ran to him, all pity and tenderness, and
+kissed his frowning face. He put his head back and ignored
+her.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Terry arrived at seven, half an hour late, with a huge
+bouquet of roses for Laura. “For Mrs. Mann,” he said, bowing,
+and then gave her a quick embrace. “You look great,
+honey.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Thanks,” she said with reserve. “I’ll put them in water.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Where’s Jack? Oh, there you are.” Terry made a running
+jump to the couch where Jack was lying in state, wearing his
+hangover like a royal robe.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Jack let out all his breath in a wail of anguish when Terry
+hit him.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Where did you get the flowers?” Laura asked, coming
+back in with them arranged in a tall vase.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Nick’s. On the corner. I had to charge ’em to you, Laur.
+I hope you don’t mind.” He smiled charmingly. “Your credit’s
+much better than mine around here.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Jack laughed softly. “You haven’t changed a bit, have you?”
+he said to Terry.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura sat down and looked at Terry’s bright young face,
+smiling happily around a mouthful of salted pecans, and
+wondered if her little trick would work. It had to. But it
+might not. She felt a little sick, seeing Jack so miserable.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“No drinks?” Terry said, suddenly conscious of the lack
+of alcohol.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Milk,” Laura offered.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Milk punch?” he asked.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Just bare milk,” Jack drawled.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“What’s the matter with you?” Terry said and laughed at
+him. “Have a nut.” And he popped one in Jack’s half open
+mouth. “You aren’t on the wagon, are you?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I was,” Jack said. “Till last night.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“No kidding. God. Amazing. Since when?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Since we got married last August. A little before.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Laura, how’d you do it?” He grinned at her.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I didn’t have to,” she said. “The day you walked out of
+his life all the good things walked in.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+<a id="page-129" class="pagenum" title="129"></a>
+“Including you?” Terry asked.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Including me,” she shot back.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Oh.” He smiled ruefully. “I wasn’t <em>that</em> bad, was I?” he
+asked Jack. He seemed to think it was comfortably funny,
+like everything else connected with Jack. “Did I drive you to
+drink, honey?” he said.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Only on the bad days,” Jack said. “Unfortunately, there
+weren’t any good days.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Terry laughed and stuck another nut in Jack’s mouth.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“That’s all,” Jack told him, wincing. “The damn pecans
+sound like depth charges when I chew.” He stroked his head
+carefully.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+There was a silence while Terry ate, Laura stared at him
+nervously, and Jack concentrated on his pains. Laura wanted
+to make Terry uncomfortable, self-conscious. But it was nearly
+a lost cause.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“What’s for dinner?” he asked suddenly, unaware that he
+was supposed to notice the silence.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+She told him.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Great,” he said. More silence. Laura was determined to
+embarrass him, and Jack was too ill to care about conversation.
+Slowly, Terry began to realize something was amiss.
+Rather than take the hint he tried to lighten the atmosphere
+with chatter.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“How do you like the married life, old man?” he asked.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“He liked it fine the day before yesterday,” Laura said
+crisply. Jack groaned. Terry understood.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+He sat up and leaned toward his hostess. “Laura, honey, I
+don’t want to mess things up for you,” he said. “I just love
+Jack, too, that’s all. You know that. You always knew it, even
+before you got married.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I know you nearly killed him,” she said quietly.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“No fair exaggerating.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“No fair, hell. It’s true!” she exclaimed.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“It’s not either!” he said with good-humored indignation,
+as if they were playing parlor games. “Is it, Jack?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+But Jack, his eyes on Laura now, kept silent.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Well,” Terry admitted, “I was pretty bitchy sometimes.
+But so was he. And no matter what, we loved each other. Even
+at the end, when he kicked me out.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“If he hadn’t kicked you out that night he might have killed
+himself with liquor.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+<a id="page-130" class="pagenum" title="130"></a>
+“I don’t believe it.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura threw her hands up, exasperated. “What more do
+you <em>want</em> from Jack, Terry?” she said. “What do you want
+from <em>me</em>?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Terry grinned. “Equal time,” he said, nodding at the bedroom.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Jack laughed weakly and Laura got up and stamped her
+foot. “Terry, Jack loves you. I know that and I’ll have to live
+with it. But that love is destructive, and I’m asking you now
+to get out of our lives forever and never come back to hurt us
+again.” She said it with quiet intensity.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Before dinner?” he asked.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Oh, God!” Laura spluttered at the ceiling.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Terry lighted a cigarette for Jack, who had fumbled one
+from the box on the cocktail table, and told Laura, “I can’t
+go away forever. Any more than you could desert Beebo forever.
+I love him. I’m stuck with him.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I’ve <em>left</em> Beebo,” she said.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“You’ll go back,” he told her serenely. “It was that kind of
+affair.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura held on to her self control as her last and dearest possession.
+She didn’t dare to lose it. “Take me seriously, Terry,”
+she begged, almost in a whisper. “Please let us live together in
+peace.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Terry shrugged. He didn’t like to get serious. “What are
+you going to do the rest of your lives?” he asked them. “Live
+like a couple of old maids in your fancy little apartment?
+Pretend you’re both straight? What a kick!” He said it sarcastically
+but without malice. “A kick like that won’t last
+long, you know.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“It’s not a kick. It’s something we both need and want,”
+Laura said earnestly.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Nuts,” Terry said amiably. “What you both need and
+want is a few parties. Get out and camp. Do you good.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Sure,” Laura said sharply. “So you make love to Jack and
+he goes out and drinks a fifth of whiskey, after <em>eight months</em>
+on the wagon. Was that what you had in mind?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Terry made a little grimace of perplexity. “That was pretty
+silly,” he told Jack. “Now she won’t let me see you at all.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“He needs me more than he needs you, Terry,” Laura said.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Yeah? But he <em>wants</em> me more.” He grinned at her. “You’ve
+got to admit that counts for something,” he told her. “I can
+<a id="page-131" class="pagenum" title="131"></a>
+give him something you can’t give him.” He looked so smug,
+so sure of himself, that Laura, with her heart in her throat,
+decided to pull her rabbit out of the hat. If it didn’t work, she
+would have to give up.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“And I can give him something <em>you</em> can’t give him,” she
+said, her voice low and tense. “A child.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+There was a long stunned silence. Jack and Terry both
+stared at her—Jack with a slight smile of amazement and
+Terry with open-mouthed dismay.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“A child!” Terry blurted finally. “Don’t tell <em>me</em>! I wasn’t
+born yesterday.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“It’s true,” Laura spat at him. “And I’m not going to have
+any empty-headed, pretty-faced queers hanging around my
+baby! Not even <em>you</em>, Terry Fleming.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Terry turned to gape at Jack, his mouth still ajar. “She’s
+kidding!” he exclaimed. “Isn’t she?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Jack paused slightly and then shook his head, and the
+strange little smile on his face widened. It was brilliant, he
+thought. Cruel, to himself even more than to Terry, because
+it wasn’t true. But clever.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Terry stood up, bewildered, and walked around the living
+room. Laura watched him, her face flushed, sweating with
+expectation. Finally Terry turned to look at them. Jack, raising
+himself on one elbow, watched him.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Do you still want me to have dinner with you?” he asked
+wryly, and Laura saw hesitation in his look and felt a first
+small hope.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+She didn’t know what to say. But she was thinking, <em>I’ve
+made Jack a man in his eyes now. He’s thinking, Jack can do
+what he could never do himself. He’s thinking, at least if I
+was wrong about him ruining Jack’s life, I’m right about ruining
+a baby’s. He knows damn well he could do that. Or does he?</em>
+</p>
+
+<p>
+But at least he <em>was</em> thinking. His lovely young face was
+screwed up with the effort.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Suddenly he said to Laura, as if expecting to trip her up,
+“When’s it due? The kid?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“November,” she said. She had anticipated him.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Well!” His face brightened. “If it isn’t due till November,
+we’ve got a long time to play around.” And it was Jack he
+looked at now.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+But Laura jumped at him, bristling. “I don’t want an alcoholic
+<a id="page-132" class="pagenum" title="132"></a>
+for a husband!” she said. “I don’t want my baby to have
+an alcoholic for a father. A drunken, miserable, tormented
+man who doesn’t know which sex he is, who has to chase
+around after a thoughtless character like you all night. I don’t
+want to lose my husband, Terry. Not to you or any other
+gay boy in the world. You’d ruin his health and make him
+wild inside of a month.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+She was crying, though she didn’t realize it, and her cheeks
+were flaming. Terry stared at her for some moments in surprised
+silence. And then he looked at Jack, who was still
+propped on one arm, taking it all in with an inscrutable smile.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Well ...,” Terry said again, almost diffidently. Apparently
+he believed they were having a child. He looked to
+Jack for moral support. “Is that the way you feel too, honey?”
+he asked.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Why certainly,” Jack said cheerfully, incongruously.
+“Can’t you tell? Whatever she says, goes.” A soft note of
+hysteria sounded in his voice.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I guess you don’t want me to stay for dinner now,” Terry
+said, glancing at Laura. For answer she only turned away and
+began to cry. Terry walked over to Jack and knelt before him
+on the floor, putting his hands on Jack’s shoulders. “I do love
+you, Jack. I never lied about that. I didn’t know it was so
+bad. For you, I mean. I still don’t see how it could have been.
+But I don’t want to mess things up for the kid. Shall I go? <em>You</em>
+tell me.” He waited, watching Jack’s face.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I told you to leave me once, Terry. I haven’t the strength
+to say it again. It’s up to you.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Terry leaned forward and kissed him on the lips. “If you
+haven’t the strength to say it, I haven’t the strength to do it.
+No matter what she says,” he said.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura came at him suddenly from across the room. “Go!”
+she flashed. “Go, damn you, and never come back!”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Terry looked uncertainly from Laura to Jack, and Jack
+covered his face abruptly with a noise rather like a sob.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Terry stood up. “All right,” he said in a husky voice. “I’ll
+go. I’ll go for the baby’s sake. But not forever, Laura. Not
+forever.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+At the front door he turned to her. “You say you love him,”
+he said. “Then you must understand why I <em>can’t</em> leave him
+forever. I love him too.” He said it sadly but matter-of-factly.
+And Laura, staring at him through tear-blurred eyes, realized
+<a id="page-133" class="pagenum" title="133"></a>
+that he never would understand what he had done to Jack or
+how. He thought it was a simple matter of giving a kid a
+break. And because he loved Jack enough he was able to do it.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Enjoy your flowers,” he said with a rueful grin, and then
+Terry went out the front door and shut it carefully behind
+him. Neither Jack nor Laura stirred nor made a sound until
+they heard the elevator arrive, the doors open, shut again, and
+the elevator leave.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“He’s gone,” she whispered. “Dear God, don’t let him ever
+come back.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Jack rolled over, his back to her, and wept briefly and painfully
+with desperate longing. There was a moment of silence
+while she watched him fearfully. And then he stood up and
+headed for the door. Laura threw herself against it.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“No! Don’t follow him, Jack!” she implored, her voice
+rising.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I won’t,” he said, trying to reach past her to open the door,
+but she threw her arms around him and begged him to stay
+with her.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I got him to leave, Jack. He won’t dare come back for a
+long time. Maybe he’ll find somebody new. Maybe we’ll be
+lucky and he’ll never come back.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I should be so lucky,” he said acidly.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+She looked at him, dismayed. “Isn’t that what you wanted?”
+she asked.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+He stopped trying to grab the doorknob for a minute to
+look at her. “Yes,” he said, with effort. And after a pause,
+“You were masterful, Mother. You really played your scene.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+She looked at the floor confusedly, hearing all the sarcasm
+and the hurt and the grudging admiration in his voice. “Do
+you hate me for it?” she asked.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“No. I’m grateful.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Do you still love me?” she whispered.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Yes. But don’t ask me to prove it now.” He got the door
+open in a sudden deft gesture, but Laura was still clutching
+him.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Where are you going?” she asked fearfully.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“For a bottle.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Oh, God!” she gasped. “Then it’s all been for nothing,”
+she said despairingly.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“No,” he said. “I’m not drinking this for Terry. I’m drinking
+it for the baby.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+<a id="page-134" class="pagenum" title="134"></a>
+“The baby?” she said tremulously.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“The little kid who wasn’t there.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+He turned to go and she followed him into the hall.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“But Jack—” she protested as he rang for the elevator.
+“Jack, I—I—” She looked up and saw the long bronze needle
+moving swiftly toward “three” as the elevator ascended, having
+barely emptied Terry into the first floor. It seemed to be
+measuring off the last seconds of their marriage. She had to do
+something. Trembling and scared, she caught his lapels and
+said, with great difficulty, “I meant it, Jack.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Meant what?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“About the baby.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+He stared at her, one hand holding back the door of the
+just-arrived elevator.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I’ll have a baby,” she said. “If you still want one.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+For a while they stood in the dim little hall and gazed at
+each other. And then Jack let his hand slip from the elevator
+door and, circling her waist with his arm, led her back into
+the apartment.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“He’ll be back, you know,” he said, stopping to look at her.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I know. But by that time he’ll know we aren’t kidding,”
+she said, looking dubiously at her tight, flat stomach. “By that
+time you’ll be strong again. And ready for him. You’ll know
+he’s coming and you’ll be able to take it. It won’t be like now.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+He kissed her. “Goddam it,” he whispered, grateful and
+amazed. “I <em>do</em> love you.”
+</p>
+
+<div class="chapter">
+
+<h2 class="chapter" id="chapter-0-9">
+<a id="page-135" class="pagenum" title="135"></a>
+9
+</h2>
+
+</div>
+
+<p class="first">
+The doctor’s waiting room was crowded, heavy with the
+eager boredom of people waiting to talk about themselves. It
+was the fourth doctor they had been to see within a week.
+Jack, as Laura might have expected, was in a hurry. But he
+had to find the right man, too—a man he genuinely liked.
+Not just any bone-picker was going to perform the wizardry
+to bring <em>his</em> child into being.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura had simply sat in red-faced silence through Jack’s
+expositions of their supposed marital troubles, both unwilling
+and unable to contribute a word. And the whole thing had
+been lengthy and bewildering and not a little tiring.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+But when they finally got into Dr. Belden’s plush, paneled
+office, it went well. And she knew, suddenly paying attention
+to the words of the men, that it was going to be settled. And
+it was.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+She answered the standard questions, her voice low with
+embarrassment. They always bothered her excessively, like
+so many spiders crawling over her tender shame. Other girls
+might not mind, or even liked to yammer to doctors about
+their intimate selves, but not Laura.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Jack bolstered her up as they were leaving. “You were
+heroic, Mother,” he assured her. “I know you hate it—yes
+you do, don’t lie,” he added impatiently when she tried to
+protest. “It’s all right, honey, it’s all in a good cause.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Don’t call me honey.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Why?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Terry calls everybody honey.” She was in a grumpy mood;
+he saw it and let her be for a while. “When do I have to
+go back?” she asked as they rode home in a taxi.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“A week from Thursday.” He looked at her somewhat
+anxiously as if wishing that Thursday had already come. “You
+won’t change your mind, of course,” he said to comfort himself.
+His voice was calm but his eyes were worried.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“No,” she sighed. She looked at her gloved hands until his
+anxious gaze moved her to give him one and make him smile.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+<a id="page-136" class="pagenum" title="136"></a>
+He looked strangely different, almost young. Jack had the
+kind of a face that must have made him look forty when he
+was twenty. In a sense it was an ageless face because it had
+hardly changed at all. Laura supposed that when he was sixty,
+he would still look forty. But for the few weeks after Terry
+disappeared it looked young. And Laura thought with an ache
+of how much of that was due to her. How much she had
+forced him to depend on her. She was deeply committed now.
+There was no retreating.
+</p>
+
+<p class="tb">
+* * *
+</p>
+
+<p class="noindent">
+Laura saw Doctor Belden three days in a row, and it was
+unspeakably humiliating for her. But she endured it. By the
+time her appointment came due, she was too afraid for Jack
+not to go. But she prayed when she was alone, with big wild
+angry sobs, that the artificial insemination wouldn’t work; that
+she was barren or Jack was sterile or the timing was off; anything.
+And she felt a huge, breathtaking need for a woman
+that absolutely tortured her at night.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+After her first examination with Belden she went out of
+the office to meet Jack and told him she was going to the
+Village.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I don’t know why I need to. I just do,” she said.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Sure, sweetheart,” he said at last, standing facing her on
+the pavement outside the doctor’s office. “Go. Only, come
+back.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I will,” she said, near tears, and turned and almost ran
+from him. She couldn’t bear to touch him, and it was painful
+even to look at him.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+It was mid-day in the Village and mothers walked their
+babies in the park. Laura hurried past them. Old ladies strolled
+about in the unusually warm weather, dogs barked, and a few
+hardy would-be artists had set up shop in the empty pool at
+the center of Washington Square. A small crowd of students
+had gathered to offer encouragement and argue.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura walked quickly through the park to Fourth Street,
+and then she turned and walked west, not sure why. On the
+other side of Sixth Avenue she stopped and found a drugstore
+and went in for coffee.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+<em>I can’t see Tris</em>, she told herself, playing nervously with her
+hands. <em>I won’t see Beebo. Or rather, Beebo won’t see me.
+That’s for sure.</em> She tried to think of anything but what she
+had just been through, but it didn’t work. It never does.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+<a id="page-137" class="pagenum" title="137"></a>
+<em>Just so it’s normal</em>, she thought angrily. <em>I won’t hate it but
+I couldn’t stand an abnormal child. God, I’ve got to talk to
+somebody, somebody who doesn’t know, who’ll put it out of
+my mind.</em> She thought of Inga then, but she couldn’t remember
+her last name and she wasn’t too sure where the girl lived.
+She had been too drunk that night.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+And then, for no apparent reason, she thought of Lili. Beautiful,
+brazen Lili. At least Lili would talk. Laura wouldn’t
+have to open her mouth. Maybe it would be better that way.
+She wouldn’t betray any secrets to Beebo’s old lover about her
+marriage. But Lili would be only too happy to tell Laura what
+had gone on between Beebo and Tris if only to see her squirm,
+and Laura was burning to know.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+She went to the phone booth at the back of the store and
+looked up Lili. She was still listed, still in the same apartment
+on Greenwich Avenue. It was late afternoon by the time
+Laura got there. Lili would just be getting out of bed, if she
+followed the same habits she used to have.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura felt very tired and reluctant when she finally found
+the right building and the right button to press; afraid and a
+little ashamed. But she rang anyway, as if she had no will to
+stop herself. And when the answering ring came she went
+inside and walked up the stairs.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Lili, hanging over the bannister to see who was waking her
+up so early, saw her coming. Laura stopped on the first landing
+at her amazed, “Laura! Again! Are you a ghost?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura gazed up, her long pale hair hanging defiantly free
+and her eyes blue-shadowed the way they were when she was
+tired or scared. Now she was a little of both.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“No, no ghost,” she said.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I don’t believe you. But come in anyway. I have the most
+divine friend who’s a Medium. Where the hell have you
+been? I thought sure you’d come back, after you saw Beebo
+a couple of weeks ago.” She watched Laura mount the stairs
+as she spoke and took her by the arm when Laura reached her.
+“You look worn out, poor lamb,” she said. “I’ll give you a
+drink. What do you want?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Nothing.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Nothing!” It was an explosion, not a question. “God.
+Next you’ll be telling me you’ve gone straight.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I came to ask about Beebo,” Laura said.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Oh,” said Lili knowledgeably. “I thought so.” She went
+<a id="page-138" class="pagenum" title="138"></a>
+about fixing Laura and herself a drink in spite of Laura’s
+objections. “Well, lamb, what about her?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Are she and Tris living together?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Mercy, who told you <em>that</em>?” Lili turned to stare at her.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“A friend of mine.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Your friend lies. They aren’t living together and they
+never did. Oh, Tris spent the night with her a few times. You
+know how it is.” She laughed sociably, coming toward Laura
+with two filled glasses. “Here, lamb, I insist. It’ll revive you.
+My doctor says—”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Tell me about Tris and Beebo.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Well,” Lili said, confidentially. “It was just an affair.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“What does that mean?” she said.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“It means when you can’t get what you want you take what
+you can get,” Lili said archly.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“They saw each other all the time. Beebo even had Tris
+going into the gay bars. I know this, Lili, don’t hide it,” Laura
+said.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“All right, all right,” Lili said soothingly. “Tris had to go
+to the gay bars to find Beebo, that’s all. Beebo’s never home.
+You know how she is. And she didn’t chase Tris so Tris had
+to chase her.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura felt an ineffable lightening of the heart. Somehow, if
+it had to happen, that was the best way.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Tris was nuts about her,” Lili said juicily. “She came over
+when she got back from Long Island last summer ... without
+<em>you</em>, if you recall.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I recall.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Yes. Well! Beebo was pretty low. You may remember
+that, too.” She looked at Laura sharply, and Laura looked at
+the floor and refused to answer. “Anyway, Tris fell into her
+arms and Beebo just caught her. I wish I could say that Beebo
+fell for her. I think it would have spared her some of the
+agony you inflicted on her.” So now it was out in the open.
+Lili spoke dramatically, but it wasn’t all play-acting. She had
+loved Beebo once, and she didn’t like to see her hurt as Laura
+had hurt her.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+The two females eyed each other, wary but curious, each
+eager to know what the other could tell her. Lili was ready
+to hurt Laura to find out. She had seen what happened to
+Beebo when Laura left her, and it was shocking. Laura didn’t
+know about it, and to Lili it seemed as if she was nothing but
+<a id="page-139" class="pagenum" title="139"></a>
+a spoiled, headstrong little bitch who didn’t care whom she
+hurt ... a little like Lili herself ten years before, and that
+made Lili even more critical.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+If Laura were told how hard Beebo had taken it—how
+intensely she had suffered and torched for her—maybe it
+would touch her and make her sorry. Lili enjoyed the idea of
+Laura on her knees to Beebo, and Beebo kicking her out. For
+she knew what Laura did not—that Beebo was a different girl
+now. And to Lili’s way of thinking it meant that Beebo would
+never take Laura back.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+So they were agreed, without having said a word about it,
+that Lili would talk and Laura would listen to her; Lili because
+she had to hurt and Laura because she had to know.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Lili lighted a cigarette and stuck it carefully into an ebony
+holder with a water filter, a rather bulky conversation piece.
+Everything she did was staged.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I’m going to talk turkey to you, lamb,” she informed her
+guest. “Now that I have you in my clutches.” She smiled
+slightly, a warning smile.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Talk,” Laura said. “But I’d appreciate it if you’d spare
+me the sermon.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I’m sure you would.” Lili gazed at her. “But, unfortunately,
+you <em>need</em> a sermon. Oh, just a little one, of course. I
+won’t be crude about it.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura ignored her, picking up the drink she didn’t think
+she wanted and sipping at it.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Well,” Lili began. “You almost killed her. I suppose you
+could have guessed that.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I knew it would be hard for her,” Laura said, “but not
+that bad.” Her voice said she thought Lili was exaggerating,
+but in her heart she was afraid ... afraid it was true.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“It was bad enough to send her to the hospital with a stomachful
+of sleeping pills. I know. I took her over.” She said this
+with her green eyes flaring and her voice low enough to make
+Laura strain a little to hear her.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Oh, damn it, Lili, don’t make up a melodrama for me!”
+Laura cried.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I thought I was stating it rather plainly. But I’ll try again.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Beebo wouldn’t take sleeping pills!” Laura said contemptuously,
+and this she really believed. “It’s not like her. It’s too—I
+don’t know—phony. It’s more like something <em>you’d</em> do
+than Beebo.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+<a id="page-140" class="pagenum" title="140"></a>
+“Luckily I’m not in love with you, pet,” Lili countered.
+They glared at each other. “You don’t know her at all, do
+you?” Lili went on. “You lived with her for more than two
+years, and you just don’t know her at all.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I know her better than anybody! What do you mean?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“All right, lamb, we won’t argue the point. Anyway, when
+she got back from the hospital she was terribly despondent. I
+kept telling her you’d come back. Everybody did. I didn’t
+believe it, of course, but I was afraid if I told her you were
+gone for good she’d try something worse than sleeping pills.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Did she drink awfully hard?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Are you kidding? She drank like a fish, naturally,”
+Lili said. “As if you had to ask. Then she got a job. But
+I’m getting ahead of myself. You wanted to hear about Tris.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Again she smiled, and Laura hated her smile. “Just tell me,
+Lili,” she said. “Without the dramatics.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Certainly, darling.... Well, Tris came back and the first
+thing she did was come looking for you to tell you she was
+sorry. I don’t know for what. But I was there when she arrived.
+I couldn’t leave Beebo alone for five minutes, it was that
+bad. So anyway, we were having dinner when Tris came and
+she looked very surprised not to see you, but if you ask me,
+she was thrilled to death. She’s been on the make for Beebo
+ever since you met at the dress shop. She strung you along for
+a contact with Beebo.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I don’t believe you,” Laura lied bravely. “Go on.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Well, darling, that makes it slightly awkward. It’s essential
+to the narrative that you believe it.” But Laura’s cold
+white face discouraged her sarcasm and she went on. “Well,
+Tris was nuts for her. That time she burst in on you and
+Beebo got so mad—yes, she told me about it—she came to see
+Beebo, not you. She didn’t care a damn if it got you in
+trouble. The only thing she cared about was seeing Beebo. She
+wasn’t very happy about the way Beebo treated her then,
+but she’s had better luck since....
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Well, Beebo didn’t even try to fight her off. She just let
+her in and they spent a couple of weeks together. And the
+whole time that awful Milo—Tris’s husband—I think you’ve
+met?—yes. That must have been jolly.” She grinned maliciously.
+“Well, Milo was over there all the time, just mad as
+hell. It’s a wonder he didn’t kill Beebo, the way Tris carried
+on about her. It took him four whole months to drag her away,
+<a id="page-141" class="pagenum" title="141"></a>
+and Tris still comes over whenever she can sneak out. But
+Beebo and Milo get along better now. Since he realized Beebo’s
+not in love with his wife.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“For some strange reason she can’t seem to fall in love with
+anybody. I think she’s crazy myself. I mean, after all, you’re
+not <em>that</em> irresistible.” She paused and Laura took advantage of
+it to switch the subject, fast.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“What about the job? You said she had a job.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Oh, yes, I did, didn’t I? Well, she’s waiting on tables at
+the Colophon. Oh, don’t look so disappointed, lamb, she <em>likes</em>
+it. Besides, she can wear pants.” Lili knew how Laura hated
+Beebo’s elevator uniform, and it pleased her to point out that
+Beebo hadn’t reformed. “She works from five to eleven,” Lili
+went on. “Really very good hours. And then of course she’s
+free to get soused till dawn.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Does she?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Sometimes.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Is it very bad?” Laura asked, her voice a little shaky with
+fatigue.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Sometimes.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“God, Lili, is that all you can say? Sometimes? <em>Tell</em> me
+about her, I haven’t heard anything for eight months!”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“That’s the way you wanted it, darling.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“No. No, it isn’t,” she whispered. “That’s the way it had
+to be.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I would say—judging strictly from your very interesting
+diary—that you were glad to get rid of Beebo. Maybe you’re
+just here to ease your conscience, hm? Be sure she hasn’t done
+anything messy you’d have to blame yourself for?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura had to look away for a minute. The shame was too
+plain on her face. “That was a stupid thing, that diary,” she
+mumbled. She started crying softly, helplessly. “Lili, cut out
+the sarcasm,” she pleaded, knowing it would do no good.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Why, don’t be silly!” Lili exclaimed, enjoying the scene.
+“I haven’t an ounce of sarcasm in me. I’m just a reporter
+giving you the facts.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“You’re a lousy gossip columnist!” Laura said. “You’re all
+dirty digs and snide cracks, and about a tenth of what you
+say is true. Tris Robischon was shy and neurotic. She hated
+gay bars. She wouldn’t have gone in if she hadn’t been forced.
+She hated gay people so much that she wouldn’t associate
+with them.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+<a id="page-142" class="pagenum" title="142"></a>
+“Like hell,” Lili said elegantly. “She lived in the Village,
+didn’t she? Who do you think her ballet pupils were, anyway?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Children! Men! Little girls!”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“<em>And</em> big girls, darling.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“She never had affairs with them. She might have slept with
+one or two of the men, but not with the girls. I’m sure of it.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Have you talked to Milo about that?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“No ... not about that. But I <em>know</em> Tris!”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Must be wonderful to be so sure of yourself, pet,” Lili
+drawled. “The fact is, your little pseudo-Indian slept with
+dozens of her pupils. She went to the Lessie bars because Beebo
+did, and Beebo’s not the first girl she’s done it with. You can
+check it. Go ask the bartender at the Cellar. Ask the lovelies
+at the Colophon. At Julian’s. Go on. Scared?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura stood up suddenly and headed for the door. “I’ve
+had enough, Lili. Thanks. Thanks a lot.” She spoke briefly,
+afraid of more tears, and grabbed her coat as she went. But
+Lili got up and ran after her.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“But darling, I want to know where you’ve been all this
+time!”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“It’s no business of yours.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Oh, tell me, Laura. Don’t be difficult,” she said. “Beebo
+would be interested,” she wheedled.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Oh, I doubt it. After what you’ve told me. But just for
+the record, I’ve been living uptown.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Where uptown?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+But Laura shook her head.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Alone?” Lili said.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“No.” Laura didn’t know why she said it. It just seemed
+easier than arguing. Besides, she didn’t want Lili to think she
+was friendless and despised everywhere.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“You know, Jack Mann disappeared from the Village the
+same time you did,” Lili said, her voice vibrant with curiosity.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Yes.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Do you <a id="corr-19"></a>know where he is?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I see him now and then.” She slipped her coat on and
+opened the front door, not bothering to look back at Lili. Her
+face was streaked with tears and torment and she wanted to
+go, to get out, to hide somewhere.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Where are you going, pet? Why in such a hurry?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I’m a little sick, Lili, thanks to you. You have that effect
+<a id="page-143" class="pagenum" title="143"></a>
+on me,” Laura said.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Lili laughed charmingly. “Imagine!” she said. “It’s an even
+trade, then. Well, just so you don’t go near Beebo, I guess it’s
+safe to let you loose.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I have no intention of going near Beebo,” Laura said
+coldly, turning to look at her.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Good,” Lili said. “She’d kill you for sure.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura felt a red fury come up in her and she stepped back
+into the living room, her face so strange and tense that Lili,
+for the first time since Laura had come, became rather alarmed.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Lili, goddamn you to hell, quit telling lies! Quit exaggerating!”
+Laura cried. “I hurt Beebo, but not <em>that</em> much.
+I didn’t ruin her life, for God’s sake! Or cripple her or kill
+her or drive her crazy! And I won’t stand here and be accused
+of something I didn’t do. Beebo’s no angel, you know. Beebo
+damn near drove <em>me</em> out of my mind when we lived together.
+She hurt me more than once—I mean <em>really</em> hurt, and I’ve got
+scars to prove it. I know she loved me, but that doesn’t make
+her perfect and me a double-damned bitch. Love affairs have
+broken up before. The world keeps on spinning!” She spoke
+fiercely to bolster up her words. For the truth was that Laura
+remembered only too well the night Beebo had told her she
+might kill her someday, and then herself.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+But she couldn’t let Lili see that, or suspect it, or think that
+Laura feared it. She hated Lili with all the force of her own
+fear and uncertainty and resentment at that moment, and her
+wild hair and hot face actually did scare Lili.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“All right,” Lili said finally, putting her drink down on a
+dainty Empire drawer table near the door. “All right, Laura
+Landon, I’ll tell you something.” And Laura saw now that
+Lili had to defend the things she had said with a good serving
+of bitter anger: the <em>pièce de résistance</em>. “You think Beebo
+would welcome you back with loving arms? You think she’d
+forgive you?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I didn’t say that!”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“You think I’ve been kidding about how hard she took it
+when you broke up? When you left her? Sure you do. You
+make yourself think it. Because you don’t want to feel guilty
+about it. But you listen to this. Listen!” she cried suddenly as
+Laura made a sudden move to leave.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Lili threw herself against the door, panting with the exaltation
+of mingled fear and pleasure at hurting Laura. “Remember
+<a id="page-144" class="pagenum" title="144"></a>
+Nix? Remember that nice little dog you hated so much?
+Oh, you hated him all right. Beebo didn’t have to tell me, I
+saw it with my own eyes. Everybody did. You did everything
+but kick him. And I wouldn’t be surprised if you did even
+<em>that</em> when nobody was looking. Well, what happened to poor
+Nix?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“You know damn well!” Laura flashed, feeling trapped and
+desperate. “You know as well as I do. Let me out of here,
+Lili!”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“He died, didn’t he? Rather messily. Let’s say, horribly.
+Such a nice little dog. You know how he died, Laura?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“If you’re trying to say <em>I</em> did it—”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Beebo killed him. Sliced him in half with that big chef’s
+knife you had in the kitchen table drawer.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+For a horrified second, Laura was silent, paralyzed. She
+almost fainted. She actually staggered backwards and lost her
+balance. Lili grabbed her to break the fall and left her lying
+on the floor, her face buried in the plush carpet, sobbing, wailing
+with shock and horror. Even Lili, finally, was worried
+about her. She tried to snap her out of it with sarcasm.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“You could have shown a little concern when it happened,”
+she said, “instead of saving it all for now. It’s a little late now.
+Those are crocodile tears, Laura.” But they weren’t, and Lili
+couldn’t get much conviction into her voice. She bent over
+Laura and said, “Stop it! Really, Laura! Don’t make a scene.
+Oh!” she exclaimed in exasperation and alarm. “And she
+accuses <em>me</em> of theatrics!” she cried to the ceiling, her hands to
+her temples.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+After a long while Laura rolled over, her breath tumbling
+uncontrollably in and out of her, her face blotched and
+stricken.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“It isn’t true, is it?” she whispered. “You just wanted to
+hurt me. Lili?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Lili, sitting on the edge of her velvet couch, with her elbows
+on her knees and her chin in her hands, said, “It’s true.” She
+gazed at Laura and there was no pose, no elegance in her.
+It wasn’t worth the effort now. Laura was beyond noticing or
+caring. With her face relaxed, the lines of thirty-seven years
+showed around Lili’s mouth and eyes. She was wondering if
+the startling effect her words had had was worth it.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura looked sick. What a bother to have to call a doctor!
+She shouldn’t have told her. She had had a good time roasting
+<a id="page-145" class="pagenum" title="145"></a>
+her. She should have let her go. But there was Laura, her
+bosom heaving, her face a strange color, her eyes enormous.
+<em>Odd, I never noticed how big they are</em>, Lili thought idly.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Did anyone ... really ... beat her up?” Laura said,
+her breath betraying her and making her gasp. “Or did she
+make up the hoodlums, too—like Nix?” And she covered her
+face to cry while Lili answered her.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“She did that to herself. After she killed Nix. I don’t know
+why she did it. I hate to admit it, but I guess she did it out of
+frustrated love. I tried to make her explain it when she told
+me about it—and believe me, she wouldn’t have if she hadn’t
+been fried—and she just said, ‘Laura hated him. I thought she
+might stay with me longer if he was gone.’ After she did it
+she beat herself. I don’t know how. I don’t know with what.
+She didn’t say. Maybe she just whacked at herself with her
+fists. Maybe she used something heavy. Anyway, she did it
+while she was hysterical. At least, that’s what I think. I don’t
+see how she could have hurt herself that much if she hadn’t
+been half crazy. She was mourning for Nix and she was afraid
+of losing you.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Lili stopped talking, and Laura realized dimly that there
+had been no cutting edge in her voice for the past few minutes.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+After a little while of silence Laura got up dizzily from the
+floor and dried her eyes. Her face had gone very white and she
+sat down for a minute in a chair.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Did you ever love her?” Lili asked. “Really?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura turned to look at her, and her eyes seemed remarkably
+deep and different, as if she had seen something for the
+first time. She didn’t seem to have heard Lili.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Did you ever love her, Laura?” Lili asked again.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Not until now,” Laura said, and Lili stared at her.
+</p>
+
+<p class="tb">
+* * *
+</p>
+
+<p class="noindent">
+When Laura got home, all she wanted was to go in the
+bedroom, turn out all the lights, and crawl half dressed into
+her bed. And try to make sense of her awful knowledge, try
+to live with it. She couldn’t think of Beebo without pain.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Jack followed her into the bedroom where she sprawled on
+the bed sobbing. He went to her and said worriedly, “Jesus,
+honey. Tell me about it.” He sat down beside her, his hands
+on her shoulders trying to ease her. “Did the stock market
+crash?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+She wept on as if he weren’t there.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+<a id="page-146" class="pagenum" title="146"></a>
+“You got a bad pickle in your hamburger?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+No response.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Your girdle split?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+She rolled over and looked at him with mournful eyes.
+“Jack, this is no time to be stupid.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I can’t say anything very bright till you tell me what’s the
+matter,” he said.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura blew her nose hard. He made her feel ludicrous and
+she resented it. “Beebo,” she said finally. “Beebo. Oh, Jack.”
+She looked at him with red eyes. “She <em>must</em> have killed your
+little dog. The one you gave her after Nix died.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“<em>Must</em> have?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“She killed Nix. Nobody beat her up. She did it to herself.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+They stared at each other, Jack beginning to share her
+feelings.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+He heaped his scorn on Beebo. “Damn!” he said. “Damn
+silly hysterical female. I thought Beebo had more sense than
+most women.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Just because she’s not <em>like</em> most women?” Laura cried.
+“Jack, you make me furious! The more mannish a woman is,
+the more sense you think she’s got! God! Beebo’s <em>sick</em>! She’s
+sick or she wouldn’t have done it. When I think what she
+must have gone through, I—oh....” And she wept again,
+silently and hard. “She’s no damn silly female. You damn
+silly <em>man</em>!”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“What is she, then?” he asked, smiling a little.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura turned back to the bed and muttered, “I don’t know.
+She’s mixed up and unhappy and maybe she’s still in love with
+me. She’s miserable because of me, anyway. I know that
+much.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Isn’t that touching,” Jack commented acidly. “You have
+a desirable woman walloping herself and bisecting dachshunds
+out of love for you. It must do wonders for your ego.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura didn’t even answer. She just flew at him, nails first,
+and took a wild swipe at his face. She missed; Jack was fast,
+and prepared. But she struggled desperately with him with her
+knees, her elbows, teeth and nails, until she was exhausted. She
+didn’t last long. Lili had taken the fight out of her.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+He laid her back down on the bed when she was gulping
+for air and went to get her some coffee.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Now, tell me where you learned about Beebo,” he said
+when he returned.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+<a id="page-147" class="pagenum" title="147"></a>
+After a long, reluctant pause she answered him. Her basic
+trust in him persuaded her, but she promised herself that if he
+got sarcastic again she would stop speaking to him. Permanently.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I saw Lili this afternoon,” she whispered.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+He gave a snort. “For old times’ sake?” he asked.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“To ask about Beebo,” she said haughtily.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“And she told you that romantic little tale? About carving
+up Nix?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Yes.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“And you believed her?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Yes. She wasn’t kidding.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Oh, she never does,” he said with false agreement.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura flipped over to face him, her face red, but he interrupted
+her before she could get a word out. “Okay, she told
+the truth, we’ll say.” He moved her coffee gently toward her
+as he spoke. “And if she did it’s pretty awful and it’s pretty
+sad. And I wish like hell that it hadn’t happened to Beebo,
+because she’s a damn nice kid and I always liked her. I’m sorry
+about it, Laura—”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Sorry!” she exploded. “What a stinking little word that
+is for what she must have gone through!”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“What’s in a word, honey?” Jack shrugged, frowning.
+“You want a eulogy? I’m sorry, if Beebo really did it. That’s
+not fancy but it’s true. I can’t put Nix back together. I can’t
+order you to love Beebo the way she loves you.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+There was a long silence then while Laura considered what
+he said. Her feelings for Beebo seemed to have undergone a
+transformation that afternoon. It was as if she saw clearly,
+and for the first time, into Beebo’s secret heart, into her pain
+and frustration and passion. And Laura’s own heart melted,
+touched, awed, a little exalted even to think that she could
+have inspired such a wonderful, terrible, mad, single-minded
+love in anybody. All of a sudden it seemed very valuable to
+her. She wanted it back, just the way it had been. She would
+know how to respect it now.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+She lay there looking at Jack and felt a small fear licking
+at her heart like a flame. What if her love for Beebo became
+more precious to her than her love for Jack?
+</p>
+
+<p>
+She said pensively, “I felt so bad about everything. I’ve been
+so selfish.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Not with me, honey.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+<a id="page-148" class="pagenum" title="148"></a>
+There was a long pause. At last she said, “You mean—going
+to the doctor, and everything?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“That’s only part of it.” He got up and went to her.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura was standing in her bare feet, leaning against a wall
+and looking out at the East River. Her eyes were fastened on
+the night lights of the city. Jack touched her shoulder.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Laura, darling, I’ve loved you for a long time ... ever
+since we met, I think. I’ve never loved you less than I did at
+the start. And now I love you much much more. Just the fact
+that you were willing to try for a child means the whole world
+to me. Even if it never works out. I can’t love you with my
+body. You wouldn’t want it even if I could. But I don’t think
+I’ve ever loved anyone as much as you, honey. Not even the
+lovely boys I could never resist. Not even Terry, and there
+never was a lovelier one. When all the sweat and passion are
+over with there’s nothing but ashes and melancholy. Nothing’s
+deader than a gay love that’s burned out. But with you ...
+I don’t know, it just goes on and on. It’s steady and comforting.
+It won’t fail me, no matter what. It gives me a little faith—not
+much, but a little—in myself. In people. In you.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura turned her head away so he wouldn’t see the tears.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Laura, you can say what you please but you’ll never convince
+me that I did a cowardly thing marrying you. A selfish
+thing, yes. A hell of a selfish thing. I think I would have gone
+to pieces without you. But I wasn’t running away from my old
+life as much as I was running to a new one.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Suddenly Laura felt a big ugly need to fight. Maybe it was
+just to let off steam after a nerve-wracking afternoon. Maybe
+it was to make her forget how guilty she felt about Beebo.
+Probably it was both.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura turned and walked away from him, feeling his hand
+slip from her shoulder, unwanted and unsure. “Well, I don’t
+know why <em>you</em> left the Village but I think I know why <em>I</em> did.
+Finally,” she said. Her voice was hard and she knew she was
+going to hurt him and she cringed from it almost as much as
+he did. And still she spoke, compulsively. “I left because it
+was the only way I could see out of my problems. You were
+my escape hatch, Jack. You were just too damn convenient.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“That’s my charm,” he said harshly. “Ask Terry.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“It isn’t the first time I’ve run away from my problems. I
+ran away from Beth in college. I ran away from my father.
+From Marcie—remember her? She was straight. I didn’t find
+<a id="page-149" class="pagenum" title="149"></a>
+out till I tried to make love to her.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I remember. You ran straight to me. And if you hadn’t
+you’d be enjoying a protracted vacation in a mental institution
+at this moment.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“You helped, I admit it. I don’t know what I would have
+done. But that’s not the point. The point is, that here I am
+doing it again. Running away. Not <em>to</em> you this time, but <em>with</em>
+you.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“So?” he said. “So we run away. So what the hell? Let’s
+run. Who gives a damn? What’s <em>eating</em> you, Laura?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“It’s wrong, that’s what! You told me when we left the
+Village I’d get over it and Beebo didn’t matter ... she’d
+survive. And I believed you. Until today.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“And now you think she won’t survive?” he asked bitingly.
+“Because of something she did ten months ago while you were
+still living with her?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura was swallowed up for a moment in a sob. “I want
+her!” she gasped finally. “Oh, God and Heaven, I want her!”
+And she stamped her foot like a furious child.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+When she was quiet enough so he could talk without shouting,
+Jack said, “Sure. I want Terry. But we’re poison together.
+So are you and Beebo. If you go to her you’ll come running
+back to Uncle Jack before the month is out. Fed up all over
+again. Only this time there’ll be a difference. This time Beebo
+really will commit mayhem. Or murder. Or both. And if you
+don’t run fast enough, Mother, it may be you she murders.
+I wouldn’t put it past her.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I want her back!” Laura amazed herself with her own
+words, words she never meant to say. Jack stared at her, his
+face pale and determined.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“You can’t have her.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Jack,” she said, suddenly pleading, “let me go to her. Just
+for a week or two. Please. Please let me.” She walked toward
+him as she spoke, her arms extended.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“No,” he said flatly. “Two weeks, hell.” He was afraid she
+wouldn’t ever come back.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Jack, I wouldn’t stay. I’d come back to you.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“No!” It was absolute. He couldn’t take the chance. “We’ve
+had all this out. We agreed to it before we got married.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Jack, darling—”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I won’t talk about it, Laura. You can’t go back to her and
+that’s final.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+<a id="page-150" class="pagenum" title="150"></a>
+“But only for a week or two, just a few days....”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“You’re my wife,” he blazed so fiercely that she stopped in
+her tracks, startled. “You’re my wife and you’re not going to
+live with any Lesbian in any Village! Not while I live!”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+She tried once more. “Jack, don’t you understand? For the
+first time I’m beginning to realize how I feel about her, how I
+always felt. Tris made me realize it a little. And now Lili.
+And even living with you—”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Living with me has made you lonesome for women, that’s
+all. And Beebo’s a handy woman. Goddam it, Laura, I never
+denied you women. I’ve encouraged you. Admit it, go on!
+I’ve <em>asked</em> you to chase a few broads. It’s not my fault if
+you’ve developed an itch. Go out and have yourself a fling;
+you should have done it long ago. I don’t give a damn, only
+don’t go to Beebo. And come back. Come back here, you
+understand? If you don’t I’ll come after you! And I’m capable
+of mayhem myself!”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+She looked at his big burning eyes and trembled. “I just
+want to see her,” she whispered.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“What makes you think she wants to see <em>you</em>?” he demanded.
+“What makes you think she won’t greet you at the
+door with the same knife she used on Nix?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“That’s what Lili said.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Well, for once Lili is right. I know Beebo; she’s crazy.
+You catch her on a wrong day in a wrong mood and she won’t
+even think about it. She’ll just operate on you as she did on
+the dogs.” He gazed unblinking at her. “That would kill me,
+Laura, as sure as it would you. Besides, I can’t take any
+chances. You might be carrying my child.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+This struck fury into Laura. She had nearly managed to
+forget the child, in the press of other things, but no longer.
+She picked up a pair of his shoes, sprawled near the closet, and
+flung them at him, one after the other. One flew through the
+window, splattering glass in its wake, and the other struck
+his arm.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Why do you torment me?” she shouted. “Why do you
+talk about nothing but baby, baby, baby? I never wanted the
+damn thing! I hope I never have a baby! I hope I never have
+<em>your</em> baby! I hope it’s born a boy! I hope it’s born blind! I hope
+it’s never born at all!” She was screaming at him, and he came
+to her carefully, coaxing her.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“You’re all wrought up, Mother,” he said. He could see
+<a id="page-151" class="pagenum" title="151"></a>
+that she was hysterical.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Don’t call me Mother!” she shrieked, her voice strained
+so that she could hardly articulate.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Laura, for God’s sake,” he said, trying to brush it off, trying
+to keep calm, help her. “I call you ‘Mother’ in honor of
+my Oedipus complex. Purely a formality. It has nothing to do
+with babies. Come lie down, honey. Come on. I’ll get you
+something to quiet you down. Come on,” he wheedled gently,
+but she looked at him like he meant to murder her then and
+there, backing away from him. When he made a quick move
+to grab her, she sprang away, picking up the stool to her dressing
+table. She threw it at him with all her strength. While he
+dodged she grabbed her shoes and coat and ran from the room.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+At the front door she paused briefly to stare at him with
+desperate eyes and then she heaved an ashtray at him and fled.
+It cut his hand, which he threw up to protect his face.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura ran down the stairs. There was no time to wait for
+the elevator. She could hear Jack behind her, running and
+calling her name. At the front door she turned swiftly toward
+the river and climbed a chain link fence, ripping the flesh
+here and there along her limbs and tearing her blouse. She
+dropped, torn and gasping, to the other side just as Jack burst
+from the door and looked wildly in all directions for her. She
+rolled soundlessly some feet down the long slope that ended
+in chill black water.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+There she waited, sobbing quietly, clinging to handfuls of
+greasy mud and roots and embedded rocks. She heard his footsteps
+going toward First Avenue. He thought she would run
+for a taxi or hide in a doorway. Laura scrambled and stumbled
+south along the embankment, not waiting for him to
+come back looking for her. There was a suffocating panic in
+her. She didn’t question it or wonder where it came from.
+She just did as it bid her, struggling through the dirt on the
+incline.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+There was no looking back, no stopping for rest. She moved
+forward doggedly, tripping and sinking to her knees and
+clambering up again and going on, trying to stay near the
+fence in case she lost her footing. The going was slippery and
+rough and her breath rasped in and out with a fast whining
+sound. She had gone nearly three blocks when a jutting stone,
+invisible in the semi-dark, threw her, and she felt herself begin
+to skid and roll. She made a wild grab for the fence but it
+<a id="page-152" class="pagenum" title="152"></a>
+was already fifteen feet above her and receding fast. The wind
+was bumped out of her and she could not even scream. She
+had no idea how far she had fallen before she stopped.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura lay gasping and moaning for a few minutes, trying
+to get her breath back. She knew she was crying but she made
+no effort to stop. She moved herself gently to see if anything
+was broken, but the ground was not hard and she had missed
+the bad stones. She had no idea how long she had been there.
+It might have been minutes, it might have been hours. She
+thought vaguely it must have been hours when she finally
+stirred, chilled through, and opened her eyes. Beside her, on
+the ground, sat a man.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura screamed, a weak shuddering noise, and fell back,
+covering her face with her hands.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Don’t mind me,” he said. “I won’t hurt you.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura felt herself trembling with fear. She tried to pull her
+torn clothes straight, but it was so dark she could hardly see
+what she was doing. When he turned his face toward her she
+could see a little of it. It was very indeterminate; there was
+no way to guess his age or anything about him.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+She stood up quickly and started to scramble up the hill,
+but he said, “There’s an easier way.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+She gave him one quick scared glance and then went on,
+but he stood up and said, “There’s steps about a half block on.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Again she turned, very wary but willing to listen now. It
+looked a million miles to the top.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I’ll show you,” he offered. His voice was not menacing and
+he stood facing her with his hands in his back pockets, a black
+statue with silver edges. “Come on, I’ll walk ahead.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+He turned then and went southward, agile and sure. After
+a moment Laura began to follow him, moving clumsily and
+with great effort, trying to copy his movements and praying
+that he wouldn’t suddenly attack her. She stooped and grabbed
+a sharp stone glinting at her feet and held it tight in a sweating
+hand, just in case.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+He heard her panting behind him and stopped, bringing
+Laura up sharp with a gasp. “You’re tired,” he said. “Want to
+sit down a minute?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+She shook her head at him.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“You can talk to me, I’m no devil,” he said. And she had
+the idea he was grinning at her. But when she maintained her
+tense silence he shrugged and turned back. Now and then
+<a id="page-153" class="pagenum" title="153"></a>
+he glanced at her to see how she was doing. “Want some
+help?” he asked when she stumbled once, leaning toward her,
+but she drew back fast and he said, “Okay. Just trying to
+help.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+They walked for a few moments and Laura was almost
+ready to bolt from him when she realized that the lights ahead
+she had taken for far distant were in reality small bulbs strung
+up to illuminate a row of steps.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Maybe you’re wondering who I am,” he said almost hopefully
+as they neared the steps, as if he had a story to tell and
+was looking for a listener.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+He turned, one hand on the iron rail that ran alongside the
+steps, and held out a hand to her. “Here y’are. Help you?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+She ignored him, turning her back to him to swing a leg
+over the low railing.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Don’t you wonder who I am?” he said. “I don’t help just
+anybody, little girl.” He spoke sharply. “Don’t you want to
+know my name?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“No!” she cried suddenly, angrily, startling herself. “You’re
+just a man and all men are alike. No matter what their names
+are!” He gaped at her, astonished. “You don’t really care
+about me, only about yourself. You don’t want to know <em>my</em>
+name, you only want me to know <em>yours</em>.” She spoke breathlessly
+at breakneck speed. “You can’t suffer like a woman can.
+You aren’t made to take it, you men. You’re just made big
+enough and brute enough to hurt us. But we can’t hurt you.
+We can’t hurt you, do you hear?” And she stopped abruptly,
+putting her hand over her mouth in a storm of self-pity and
+shame and revulsion. It was Jack she was screaming at, not
+this stranger. She couldn’t believe she had hurt Jack as she
+had hurt Beebo or it would destroy her. She screamed to
+make herself believe she couldn’t really hurt him, no matter
+what she did.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+The tears burst from her eyes when she saw it all for a lie.
+A lie shouted to spare her own tortured feelings. The man
+looked at her, patient now and unamazed. He was over his
+first surprise. And hers was not the first desperate speech he
+had heard on the shores of the East River.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura began to run up the steps.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“You won’t get far, looking like that,” he called after her.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Momentarily Laura stopped and looked at herself in dismay.
+She turned and glanced back at her guide. He was standing
+<a id="page-154" class="pagenum" title="154"></a>
+on the steps some twenty feet below her, smiling at her
+consternation. He was a large man, big-boned, and she
+thought, <em>My God, he could break me in two. Like my father.</em>
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Cat got your tongue?” he said.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+She started up again on shaky legs and he called, “Is that
+all the thanks I get?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+At this Laura began to run, but to her alarm he ran after
+her. She felt her heart balloon in her chest, beating frantically,
+and when he caught her, only a few steps from the top, she
+yelled in fear. She would have screamed without stopping
+until somebody heard her if he had not wrapped a big hand
+around her mouth and forced her against the gate.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I won’t hurt you,” he said. “I told you that. I never hurt
+anyone. I’m harmless.” He grinned, and Laura, squirming under
+his big hand, was dizzy with panic.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+He held her quietly for a few minutes as if to assure her that
+he spoke in good faith. Finally he asked her, “Where are you
+going?” and released her mouth. When she tried to holler at
+once he covered it again.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I’ll ask you again,” he said. “But don’t yell. Where are
+you going?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+When he freed her mouth this time she murmured, “Home.
+I’m going home. Let me go.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“How you getting home?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I—I’ll walk. It’s not far. Just a block.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“You know what block this is?” He smiled with superior
+knowledge.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“It can’t be far,” she said.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+He shook his head quizzically. “I don’t get it. You’re not
+even drunk. You’re tore up but you’re no tramp neither.
+Mostly the ones I find down here are hitting the bottle. Or they
+wouldn’t be down here. Or kids, exploring. Not pretty girls.”
+He smiled and Laura’s one intense hope was that she not faint
+and fall into his clutches.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Let me go,” she said, trying to sound controlled. But her
+big eyes and urgent breathing gave her away.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Okay.” He took his hands away from her altogether, and
+said, “Go. But I’ll bet you need a dime to telephone with.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+She turned, dragging on the gate behind her until he said,
+“Here. Let me.” He opened it for her. And when she saw
+that he was really going to let her go, she allowed herself to
+turn and look at him. See him. He was holding out a dime.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+<a id="page-155" class="pagenum" title="155"></a>
+“Take it,” he said. “At least you can call somebody to come
+get you.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura stared at him. He was big and ugly, seamy-faced, and
+wearing dirty clothes with a worn cap tilted over his ear. But
+he had a nice honest grin. And he looked, for all his dirt and
+size, rather childish. Laura stood poised at the gate, wavering
+between flight and the dime. At last she took it, her face reddening.
+She had to drop her sharp stone to get it.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Didn’t need that, didya?” he said with a smile, watching
+it fall.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+She shook her head and whispered, “Thanks.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“That’s all I want to hear,” he said and let her go. She ran
+halfway down the block, and then turned, overwhelmed with
+curiosity, to see what had happened to him. He was standing
+there behind the closed gate gazing after her, smiling. <em>He’s
+nuts</em>, she thought. <em>An idiot. A damn man! That’s probably all
+he does, save people from the river. But even that ... even
+that pitiful life is worth more than mine. All I’ve ever done
+is hurt the people I love the most.</em>
+</p>
+
+<p>
+At the end of the block she stopped running and looked
+once more. He was gone.
+</p>
+
+<div class="chapter">
+
+<h2 class="chapter" id="chapter-0-10">
+<a id="page-156" class="pagenum" title="156"></a>
+10
+</h2>
+
+</div>
+
+<p class="first">
+Laura hid herself for a minute in a shadowed doorway and
+tried to make sense of things. She was a mess, with mud on
+her torn clothes and on her face, tangled hair and dried blood.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+She made an effort to smooth her hair down. There was
+some Kleenex in her pocket and she wiped her face off carefully,
+reaching every corner of it and rubbing till the skin
+turned pink. She brushed at her disheveled clothes rather
+hopelessly. Maybe it was late enough so nobody would notice
+her.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+She began to walk, holding her arms together in front of
+her as if to keep herself warm, but in fact to keep the worst
+rips from showing. And she kept her head down. <em>If only the
+police don’t stop me</em>, she thought. <em>I must look like a whore.</em>
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura walked straight west on Forty-first Street, for it was
+Forty-first, past Lexington Avenue and Park and Fifth and
+Broadway and over to Seventh. No cops stopped her, although
+more than one passerby stared.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+It was cold, a raw March night with the sting of coming
+storm in the air. Laura went south on Seventh Avenue, walking
+almost mechanically. When she thought of it she realized
+it was cold. But she hardly thought of it. There was too much
+else on her mind.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+She was very surprised to reach Fourth Street so quickly.
+She had known, without thinking, that that was where she
+was going. In less than five minutes she had entered the little
+court in front of Beebo’s apartment building and the old
+familiar trembling had begun.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+She sat down on a bench in the court to gather her strength.
+At last she looked up the wall of dark windows behind her,
+twisting on the bench to see, and saw lights in Beebo’s living
+room, and began to shiver.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Ten or a dozen times she looked up anxiously at the lights
+on the second floor. They were faint, as if only one small light
+were on. With a sudden rush of desire that eliminated the
+need to make a decision, she pulled open the inside door and
+<a id="page-157" class="pagenum" title="157"></a>
+raced up the stairs.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+At the top she stood trying desperately to get her breath.
+But she knew after a moment that her whole body would
+shake and sweat and wear itself out with unbearable anticipation
+if she didn’t get the door open. She reached for the knob,
+but it was locked.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+She rattled the knob hard and then she knocked.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+When the door swung open a moment later she gasped in
+amazement. It was Milo Robinson—Tris’s husband.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Milo!” she exclaimed.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+He stared at her.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Don’t you remember me? I’m Laura. Laura Landon.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I remember,” he said quietly. “I just never saw you fresh
+out of the gutter before.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+She looked down at herself and her cheeks went scarlet.
+“I look awful, don’t I?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Somebody after you?” Milo asked.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Yes. No. I don’t know. Can I come in?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I guess you can,” he said, stepping back. “You’ve got as
+much right to be here as me, that’s for sure.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura walked into the living room and just the sight of it,
+warm and comfortable and a little raggy, made her want to
+weep. She sank down on the couch, exhausted.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Want some coffee?” Milo said, staring at her.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“No, thanks. I’ve had too much tonight.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Milk?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I guess so. Thanks.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“You look real bad, Laura. You’d better get to bed,” he
+said frowning at her.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Where’s Beebo?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Tell me that and I’ll tell you where my wife is,” he said
+sharply.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“You coming back to Beebo?” he asked her.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“If she’ll have me.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“From what I know of it, she won’t. But I’m on your side,
+Laura. I’d do anything to pry Patsy loose.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+It startled her to hear him call Tris by her real name. “Is
+Beebo in love with her?” she asked cautiously.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Naw,” he said with leisurely disgust. “She puts up with
+her but she’s not in love with her.” He ambled out to the
+kitchen to pour her some milk. “I should be so lucky,” he
+called. “I’d dump her. Right now.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+<a id="page-158" class="pagenum" title="158"></a>
+“How about Tris? How does she feel?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+He answered her while he poured the milk. “I don’t know,
+Laura. I never could figure that kid. Living with her only
+makes it more confusing.” He sounded very tired, like a man
+defeated. “I wish I could forget her, forget the whole thing.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+He came back and handed her the milk and sat down in a
+chair near her.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+They looked at each other. He was a tall young man in his
+early twenties, handsome and well educated. His skin was
+dark and satiny in the pink lamplight.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Does she love you?” Laura asked gently.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+He shrugged and gave a little laugh. “Who knows?” he
+said. “She says so now and then. But that’s only when I lay
+down the law on the Lessie stuff.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“What’s the law?” Laura said.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Well, goddam it, enough’s enough!” he exclaimed. “I like
+to see her once in a while myself. She’s my wife.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura thought of Jack and felt the tears start quietly down
+again. “Excuse me,” she sniffled. “I’m running like a sieve
+tonight. I don’t know why. Did Jack Mann come over here
+tonight?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I wouldn’t know,” Milo said. “I’ve only been here since
+midnight.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Did he call?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Nobody called.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Nobody?” She had been so certain Jack would follow her
+here. “When does Beebo get in?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“You tell me, then we’ll both know.” He sighed.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“What will you do with Tris, Milo?” She spoke softly, sympathetically,
+in a raspy tired voice.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Take her home again.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Do you understand her? What makes her so contrary?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“No.” He turned and gave her a doleful grin, lighting another
+cigarette from the first. “We’ve been married almost two
+years but I don’t know her at all, to tell the truth. But I sure
+won’t let her go.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Does she want you to?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I don’t think she does,” he said. “Sound screwy? Well,
+not so very. She needs me. Because I’m a man.” There was a
+pause and Laura mopped up the useless tears and tried to
+think of Milo’s troubles, not her own.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“How long are you going to stay?” she asked him finally.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+<a id="page-159" class="pagenum" title="159"></a>
+“I guess till they get back,” he said.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Are you sure they’re together?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“More or less. Patsy has a big thing on her.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Milo? Would you stay here till they get back, then? I’m
+afraid—I’m afraid of Beebo. She might hurt me.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+He looked at her thoughtfully. “Yeah. Okay,” he said,
+studying her. “Say, haven’t you been gone a while? Patsy
+doesn’t tell me much, but I got the idea.... I haven’t seen
+you around or anything.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Yes. I’ve been gone awhile,” she said, getting up. “I’m
+going to take a shower and get cleaned up. Don’t tell her I’m
+here if she comes.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Patsy?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Beebo! Either of them.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Who shall I say is in the shower?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Santa Claus,” she said. She looked at him sitting glumly
+slumped in the chair. “Why do you put up with it?” she said.
+“She’s too much. Tris is too much for anybody.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Don’t call her Tris. She’s been Patsy ever since she was
+six years old and skinned her knees in front of my house. Tris.
+Christ! It’s too affected.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Did she ... <a id="corr-20"></a>ever really love me, Milo?” Laura asked it
+with a catch in her throat.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Did she ever love any of us? I don’t know.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Why do you keep coming back for more?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+He shrugged. “Same reason you do. You love Beebo. You
+know it’s a mess and you’re in for a lot of hell. It’ll never be
+right. But you love her. So you take it.” He gave another sad
+little chuckle. “I wish I knew what it is about you girls. What
+makes you love each other?” Laura stared at him. “If I knew
+there’s one thing sure—I’d put a stop to it. What makes you
+queer, Laura? You tell me.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“What makes you normal, Milo?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I was born that way. Don’t tell me you were <em>born</em> queer!
+Ha!” And he was sarcastic now.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I was made that way,” she said calmly.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“By who?” he asked skeptically.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“A lot of people. My father. A girl named Beth. Myself.
+Fate.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+He snorted. “Why don’t you give up women?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Why don’t <em>you</em>!” she flashed.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+He blinked at her, beginning to feel her stormy intensity.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+<a id="page-160" class="pagenum" title="160"></a>
+“Is it <em>that</em> bad?” he asked.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“<em>Sure</em>, it’s that bad! Do you think I live this way because I
+like it? Would you live like you do if you could live like a
+white man?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+After a moment he shook his head, looking curiously at her.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Neither would Tris. <em>Patsy.</em> So don’t be too hard on her,
+Milo. You damn men, you’re all lousy selfish bastards.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+And to his astonishment, she threw the dirty dime at him.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura was pulling on a pair of Beebo’s big men’s flannel
+pajamas when she heard the front door open, and her heart
+came to a sudden stop in her breast. It started again with a
+wild thump, and she stood with an ear to the door struggling
+to pull the roomy tops over her damp body and hear what was
+said.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Where is she?” Milo demanded.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+The front door shut and there was a pause. Laura heard
+the scrape of a match and the soft whistle of expelled breath.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I sent her home,” Beebo said. And her voice sent a sharp
+thrill of desire and recognition through Laura. She pressed her
+hands firmly over her breasts till the flesh nearly burst between
+her fingers, as if to still her own hard breathing.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Where, the studio?” Milo said.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Yeah. You entertaining, Milo?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“What?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Who’s the milk drinker?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+And Laura remembered suddenly the milk Milo had fixed
+her. She hadn’t finished it; just left it sitting on the table.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Santa Claus,” Milo said.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“No kidding,” Beebo said with a grin. “I used to leave Santa
+Claus a glass of milk. And cookies. When I was a little kid.
+But that was Christmas Eve. This isn’t Christmas Eve, Milo.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Check the shower,” Milo said. “I didn’t ask her over. You
+sure Patsy’s home?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Hell, no,” Beebo said and she was right by the bedroom
+door. Laura leaped backwards across the room, stumbling and
+catching herself on the bed. She straightened up, her heart in
+her throat, watching the door. Her long blond hair was still
+damp from the shower, and she had on only the long, striped
+tops of Beebo’s pajamas. They reached to mid-thigh on her.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Beebo’s hand twisted the knob. “Go home, friend,” she said
+to Milo, pausing. “Your wife needs a man tonight.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Milo shrugged at her. “She asked me to stay.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+<a id="page-161" class="pagenum" title="161"></a>
+“<em>Who</em> asked you to stay?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+He thumbed at the bedroom. “Says you might hurt her.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Beebo stared hard at him for only a second more before she
+threw the door open hard. It cracked like a shot against the
+wall and Laura opened her eyes slowly. Her arms were crossed
+at the wrists and clamped tight over her breasts, as if to ward
+off attack. She looked at Beebo and Beebo looked at her without
+a word for several amazed minutes. Laura felt such a flash
+of agonized desire for this big, handsome, passionate girl who
+had been her lover that she was unable to speak.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Finally Beebo walked slowly into the room, her hands
+shoved into the pockets of her pants, squinting through the
+smoke of the cigarette between her lips. “I thought Lili was
+kidding,” she said softly. “Seeing things.” And she gave a
+single short laugh. She walked to the bed and dropped her coat.
+“Relax, Laura, I’m not going to rape you,” she said. She
+turned, with her weight on one foot and the other on the
+bed rung, and called to Milo, “You can go now, Sir Galahad.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“It’s all right?” He came to the door and looked at Laura,
+who finally found the strength to nod at him. “Okay,” he said.
+He looked her up and down, surprised to find how desirable
+she looked with a clean skin and no rags. “Lotsa luck, girls,”
+he said with his rueful defeated smile, and he went out.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Thank you, Milo,” Laura called after him, but her voice
+was so low and husky with emotion that he did not hear her.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+There followed a long strange silence while Beebo stared
+at her. Laura kept her eyes on her toes, afraid to meet that
+penetrating gaze.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+At last Beebo crushed her cigarette and lay down on the
+bed, crossing her feet and stuffing her hands behind the pillow
+to raise her head.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“All right, Laura,” she said calmly. “You’re here. Tell me
+what you want.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura looked up then, slowly, still very afraid. She was
+prepared for any violence, any brutality. It no longer mattered
+if Beebo hurt her or not. She was ready to submit to anything
+if Beebo would only take her back.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“What do you want?” Beebo said.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“To stay,” she whispered.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Beebo’s eyes widened with surprise. “To stay? With me?”
+She looked away then at the wall. “You could have stayed last
+August.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+<a id="page-162" class="pagenum" title="162"></a>
+“Last August I was miserably unhappy because of you. I
+had to get away. I found out I’m more unhappy without you
+than with you.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Beebo laughed outright then. “Doesn’t give you much of
+a choice, does it?” she said and her voice was not kind. Her
+laughter made Laura realize that she was a little drunk. Laura
+walked over to the side of the bed and knelt beside it, with
+her heart working as if it had taken her up a stiff hill.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Beebo turned her head to watch her. “What’s that for?”
+she said, catching a corner of her pajamas between thumb and
+forefinger. Her flesh was only inches away from Laura’s for
+the first time in eight long months and there was a sudden
+current of feeling between them that leaped like a spark from
+Beebo’s hand to Laura’s breasts.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I had to change. My clothes were filthy. I took a shower
+and borrowed your pajamas.... I’ve been walking all night.
+All the way from midtown.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“What the hell did you do that for? Don’t they still have
+taxis in this town?” She was cold. Her hand dropped away
+from Laura.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I didn’t have any money. And I had to see you.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Why?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura put her head down on the bed on her clasped hands
+and began to cry. “I love you,” she wept. And it was the first
+time since they had met that Beebo had heard her say it that
+way.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+She got up on one elbow and leaned toward Laura. Her face
+was impassive, but shrewd. “Not Tris?” she said.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Not Tris.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Anybody else?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Nobody else.” Laura lifted her tearful face. “Oh, Beebo,
+I’ve done you so wrong, darling. I didn’t know how bad it
+was. Lili told me—”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I know she did, the miserable bitch. God damn her soul.
+The only secret she can keep is her age.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Beebo, I’ll do anything for you—anything—if you’ll have
+me back. Oh, darling, it took me months to figure out what was
+wrong with me. I’ve been so confused. And lately I’ve been
+thinking of you all the time. I don’t think I ever stopped loving
+you, Beebo. I thought when you saw me here you’d beat
+the hell out of me. If you want to ... do it ... if it’ll help.”
+She looked at her out of large frightened eyes, half expecting
+<a id="page-163" class="pagenum" title="163"></a>
+Beebo to jump her.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+But Beebo sat up then, grasping her ankles with her hands.
+“No, Laura, it’s too late for that. What good would that do?”
+She made a face, frowning. “There was a time when I would
+have. If you had come back last fall instead of now. I would
+have loved you enough then to hate you. But I’ve changed,
+Laura.... It doesn’t seem to matter so much any more.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+There was a shocked silence from Laura. “You mean,” she
+ventured finally, “you don’t love me any more? Oh, Beebo!
+Oh, Beebo! No!” She covered her mouth with both hands,
+pressed so tight they turned white.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Beebo looked at her curiously. “I love you, Laura,” she
+said, but it was impersonal, detached, as if it were just another
+fact in her life like her job or her black hair. “I’ll always love
+you. But I’ll never love you again the way I did before you
+ran out on me last summer. That was too much. When it
+happened it was a question of either dying of it ... or living
+with something else, changing myself. Becoming a different
+person. That’s what happened.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura, in her desperation, found the courage to touch Beebo
+then. She reached out for her, and Beebo unexpectedly turned
+to help her. She dragged Laura up on the bed with her two
+strong arms, and Laura gave a long groan of need and fear and
+gratitude, all mixed up together. Beebo held her in both arms,
+her back pressed against the wall, watching Laura struggle to
+control her tears and trembling. She was kind, she was patient.
+And it scared Laura, who suddenly discovered that she missed
+the old stormy fury and passion. Beebo seemed odd to her, and
+it was true that she had changed.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Laura,” she said. “I’ve been doing some thinking. I want
+to tell you something. Maybe you won’t want to come back
+to me so much any more.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Let me tell you something first,” Laura begged. “If I don’t
+tell you, Beebo, I haven’t any right to touch you. I haven’t
+any right to be here. Maybe I don’t anyway. Darling, I—I’m
+married.” Beebo gasped a little, and Laura said quickly, “To
+Jack.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Beebo simply gaped at her for a second and then she burst
+out laughing. “Good God! <em>That’s</em> what happened!” she exclaimed.
+“You and Jack. Oh, God!”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“It wasn’t exactly—ridiculous,” Laura whispered, hurt.
+“We loved each other.” But Beebo went on laughing.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+<a id="page-164" class="pagenum" title="164"></a>
+“I’m sorry, baby, but it sounds so damn—goofy,” she said.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+And when she called her baby, Laura felt a small glow of
+warmth and hope. Maybe it wasn’t hopeless; maybe things
+could work out. She clung to Beebo and found herself half
+laughing with her, and half weeping to hear Jack’s name.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Where is he now? Does he know you’re here?” Beebo
+asked her.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“He knows,” Laura said, for there could be no doubt that
+he did.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Did he send you? Married life got him down?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“No, I ran away. I—I hurt him. It meant so much to him
+to have a wife and all....” She couldn’t say any more about
+it; it broke her up to think of it.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Beebo sobered a little. “You have a talent for that, Laura—hurting
+people. Sometimes I think that’s your only real
+ability.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I know,” Laura murmured, shame-faced. “And the trouble
+is, I never want to. I never mean to. I’d give anything to
+undo it, once it’s done. But I begin to feel like I’m smothering.
+Like I’d die of it if I can’t get away.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Is that the way <em>I</em> made you feel?” Beebo said.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura hung her head. “Yes,” she whispered. “I won’t lie
+about it.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“You can’t very well. I read the damn diary—every word
+of it.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura flushed at the thought of the thing. “Beebo, I—I
+didn’t understand before how you felt. Or how I felt myself.
+But I know now I love you.” She said it quivering with hope.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+But Beebo only answered, “Do you, Laura? How do you
+know?” There was a little smile on Beebo’s face. She asked the
+question gently as if she were talking to a bewildered child,
+brushing Laura’s hair from her forehead.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Because I want so terribly to be with you,” Laura said,
+shaking her head to emphasize her words. “I can’t bear it like
+this, being apart from you.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I’ve changed so much,” Beebo said, wondering at it, “and
+you haven’t changed at all. Have you? I think you’re just tired
+of being a wife, honey.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“No. I love Jack. But it’s different. I don’t <em>need</em> him like I
+need you.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“How about Jack? Doesn’t he need you?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura covered her face again with her hands to stifle the
+<a id="page-165" class="pagenum" title="165"></a>
+sudden sobs. “A lot, I’m afraid. I’d be better off dead, Beebo,
+I swear I would. I’ve caused so much heart ache. And most
+of all to myself. I’m no good to anybody. I wish to God you’d
+get that big knife and do to me what you did to Nix. I wish
+you’d beat me the way you beat yourself—”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Laura! God, spare me!” And for a second the latent fire
+in her flared and gave Laura a curious thrill.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I thought you would,” Laura cried. “I was prepared for
+anything, even that, when I came here. I still can’t believe you—I
+mean, you seem so funny. I thought you’d hurt me, and
+you’re so calm, so quiet—”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Beebo shook her head, looking at Laura with her disillusioned
+eyes. “I won’t hurt you, baby,” she said.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“You said once you’d kill me,” Laura said wildly, as if she
+were asking for it, as if it would be proof of Beebo’s huge need
+for her.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I know. I meant it then, too. I was nearly crazy. But things
+have changed, Laura. I don’t throw my threats around so
+easily any more. There was a time when I could have done it,
+but no more. No more. Stop crying, baby. Stop, honey.” She
+began to stroke Laura’s long hair.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura looked up at her through pink eyes, her chest heaving
+in Beebo’s warm embrace, and they gazed at each other for
+some time before Beebo told her, kindly, trying to ease it for
+her, “I said I loved you, Laura. But it’s not the same for me,
+now. I don’t love you the way I used to. I couldn’t and go on
+living. You were my whole life for two years. I thought I
+couldn’t exist without you. I thought it would be better to
+kill you and die with you than go on without you. So what
+did I do?” She smiled in contempt for herself. And pity. A
+bitter smile. “I chickened out. I slaughtered a poor innocent
+pup instead. In the fury I should have saved for you. And
+what did it prove? Nothing. How did it help? It didn’t. It
+was a wasted gesture, Laura. A stupid, senseless thing.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“But you see, I was out of my mind in love with you at the
+time. Now all the madness has gone out of me, Laura. There’s
+not much fire left.” And she bent suddenly to touch Laura’s
+brow with her lips. Laura felt the sweet touch flow through
+her to her toes and she nestled close against Beebo, weeping
+at her words. “It’s not wild and wonderful and tormenting
+any more.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“How did it happen?” Laura begged her, cruelly disappointed.
+<a id="page-166" class="pagenum" title="166"></a>
+“Maybe it’ll change.” She felt almost betrayed, as if
+she were in the arms of a stranger.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“No. I wouldn’t want it to change, now. It happened because
+if it hadn’t I would have died, Laura. I was so sick, so
+lost without you, that I would have gone to pieces. I’d have
+used the damn cleaver on myself.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Oh!” Laura breathed, horrified.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I changed to save my life ... and my sanity. It took all
+my strength, but I did it. And strangely enough, it was a
+relief. I felt as if I’d laid down a killing burden.” She looked
+down at Laura, pulling her so tight that they could feel one
+another’s hearts beating, and Laura, her eyes shut, was saying
+to herself, “No, no, no....”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I love you still, baby,” Beebo told her. “I know I should
+be proud and angry with you. I should kick you out or beat
+you up or both. But if I did it wouldn’t mean anything. It
+would only hurt, like I hurt Nix, for no purpose. I know Lili
+and the rest of them will bitch at me for taking you back—”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Oh, will you, Beebo? Darling, darling, will you?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“If you want it that way....” She stopped, looking into
+Laura’s tear-bright eyes.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I want it that way,” Laura gasped.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+But at the same time she had to realize that this was not
+her Beebo any more; that things had changed irreparably and
+forever between them; that the love they had left now was
+only good and tender, not the exalted, shivering passions of
+the past. It had to be so, because Beebo could never have forgiven
+her, let alone taken her back, otherwise. <em>And it’s my
+fault—all my fault. It’s the price I have to pay to get her back</em>,
+Laura told herself.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“If you had been like this last summer ... so calm, so
+casual,” she whispered humbly, “I would have stayed.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“And now that I’ve calmed down, you want me wild again,
+don’t you?” Beebo laughed a little, a sad, wise laugh. “Crazy,
+isn’t it? Ironic and crazy. And there’s not a goddamn thing
+we can do about it, Bo-peep. Either of us ... baby....”
+She lifted Laura’s face and kissed it.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I won’t tell you how I missed you. I won’t tell you what
+I went through. I wouldn’t even know how. It took a lot out
+of me. Too much. But you’re welcome to what’s left. If you
+want it.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I want it,” Laura said passionately. “I want <em>you</em>, Beebo.”
+<a id="page-167" class="pagenum" title="167"></a>
+She hung her head. “Unless ... unless you still want Tris?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I never did. I never wanted anybody else. I’ve been trying
+to give Tris back to Milo since she walked in on me the first
+time,” Beebo said. “She’ll give up on me when she finds out
+you’re home. She won’t want to make it a threesome.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Home,” Laura repeated. “Oh, Beebo....”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+And suddenly her arms were locked around Beebo’s neck
+and they were lost in kisses and thrilling, half-forgotten
+caresses and the warm satin touch of each other’s bodies. The
+pajama top Laura had pulled on so frantically slipped off with
+no trouble, and she stretched out on the white spread beneath
+the girl she had loved so much, in spite of so much, and surrendered
+with a groan of delight tempered with sorrow. And
+perhaps the beginning of understanding at last.
+</p>
+
+<p class="tb">
+* * *
+</p>
+
+<p class="noindent">
+It was only a matter of hours the next day before Laura
+knew that the feeling of strangeness she felt would not wear
+off. It was another two days before she could bring herself to
+give up hope that Beebo might change, that being together
+again would reawaken their crazy, beautiful, love affair.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+But it was two whole weeks, two very long weeks full of
+wondering and self-pity and struggle and doubt, before Laura
+could tell herself that she had made a mistake.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Beebo was drained of feeling. She was tired, tired of love
+and even tired of life. Perhaps time and innate toughness
+would revive her, but she had nothing to give Laura now.
+Laura realized with chagrin how little she had to give Beebo.
+She had never given much, always taking, taking, taking, from
+the older girl, who seemed to have so much to offer. It had
+been too easy to help herself to that wealth of love and she
+understood now, painfully, that she had come back to Beebo to
+be worshipped again.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+She had turned tail and run at the moment when her problems
+with Jack seemed too much for her, and she had run to
+the one person who had adored her spectacularly in the past.
+She needed her ego bolstered, she needed flattery and passion
+and reassurance from a woman. So it had come to her as an
+eye-opening blow to find her tempestuous lover subdued,
+transformed, almost a different person.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+<em>It never was right</em>, Laura thought, watching Beebo over
+the dinner table. <em>She had to give beyond her strength and I
+took it all with no return. At least she was generous with herself.
+<a id="page-168" class="pagenum" title="168"></a>
+I was the selfish one. I always have been the selfish one.
+I thought the world was giving me a bum deal, but I was too
+selfish to see the good side. Even with Jack.... Oh my God,
+Jack. My poor darling. With him most of all.</em>
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“What are you thinking about?” Beebo asked her, seeing
+her absorption.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I—I have to go back, Beebo,” Laura said and her own
+words startled her. “I have to see Jack once more.” Once expressed,
+these feelings so long in the making made her feel
+like crying. She looked apprehensively at Beebo, expecting her
+sarcasm.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+But Beebo only said, “I thought you would. Well, go on,
+baby. Go tell him you’re sorry, it was all a nasty misunderstanding.”
+She spoke mildly.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Don’t make it sound cheap, Beebo,” Laura pleaded.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“It won’t be anything <em>but</em> cheap unless you go back to stay,”
+Beebo told her. “Otherwise there’s no point in going back
+at all.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“But—but I’m going to live with you now,” Laura faltered.
+“I just have to see him once more. Explain to him—”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“You’re his wife. Either go home to him and grow up or
+don’t go back. What do you think you’d accomplish with a
+quickie visit, Bo-peep? Just pep him up a little? Make it all
+bearable? You’d be lucky if he didn’t run you out with a rifle.
+If you haven’t learned anything else in all this time, you <em>must</em>
+have learned that you can’t play around with love as if it were
+a bargain basement special. Real love isn’t a production line
+thing, it isn’t waiting for you in any old shop window. Haven’t
+you learned that yet, baby?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura nodded, putting her head back against the chair and
+letting the soothing tears flow quietly. “I’ve learned it. But
+it’s so hard to live by what you learn. I needed you so much
+when I came back two weeks ago. But I needed you the way
+you used to be.” It was a difficult admission, but Beebo understood
+it.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Sure,” she said gently. “Now you’ve seen me. Now you
+know what I couldn’t find the words to tell you. It’s over,
+Laura. I’ll always be here, I guess we’ll always need each other
+a little. Maybe we’ll see each other now and then. But there’s
+no point in our living together.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Shame colored Laura’s cheeks pink and she said warmly,
+“I’m not a child, Beebo, and I didn’t come back here just to
+<a id="page-169" class="pagenum" title="169"></a>
+run off and leave you again. I gave up too much to come back.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Yes, baby, I think you did. You gave up too much. It
+wasn’t worth the price, and you see that now. Admit it. Don’t
+be a stubborn idiot.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura was appalled at the apathy in her voice. “What
+would you do if I insisted on staying with you?” she asked.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Beebo shrugged. “I’d let you stay, of course. I haven’t the
+ambition to kick you out. Besides, I love you still, in my way.
+I meant it when I said it.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura stood up, unable to look at her any more. “I’m going
+back to the apartment, and I’m going to talk to Jack,” she
+said. “I’ll be back in a couple of hours.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I doubt it.” Beebo did not even leave her chair. She lighted
+a cigarette slowly, watching Laura’s back.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Finally Laura turned around and faced her. “Please, Beebo,
+don’t talk to me as if nothing in the world mattered any more.
+I can’t stand it, I can’t stand to think I did it to you.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Jack still matters, baby. Don’t do it to him, too.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura went and got her coat and purse from the bedroom,
+and then she looked into the kitchen. Beebo sat with her back
+to the door, still smoking thoughtfully. “I’m leaving,” Laura
+told her. “I should be back around nine.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Sure, sweetheart. Tell old Jack I said hello.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I will.” Laura looked at her dark curly head, not sure if
+the frosting on her curls came from the kitchen light above or
+from the first gray hairs. She walked over to Beebo and kissed
+her cheek, leaning over her chair from behind. Beebo smiled
+though she did not turn her head.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+And then Laura walked out, knowing somehow, deep within
+herself, that it was for the last time.
+</p>
+
+<div class="chapter">
+
+<h2 class="chapter" id="chapter-0-11">
+<a id="page-170" class="pagenum" title="170"></a>
+11
+</h2>
+
+</div>
+
+<p class="first">
+Laura approached the apartment building with her legs
+trembling. It was all she could do to keep from turning around
+and running. It was hard to imagine what she might find. She
+left Jack a desperate man, and her absence for two weeks
+would not have made things any easier for him.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+She stopped at the front door to marshal her strength, and
+the chain link fence at the end of the street caught her eye.
+She marvelled that she had been able to climb it the night she
+ran away. It looked almost insurmountable now with the
+long shadows creeping along the ground beneath it. She
+touched one of the cuts on her arm, still healing, and wondered
+where her shabby guide with his friendly dime was
+now. All unaware, he had taught her a valuable lesson about
+herself and turned a spotlight on the lies until even Laura had
+been forced to see them and confess the truth. She loved Jack
+too much to hurt him, and she had come back now to heal
+him if she could.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+That thought gave her the most strength as she pushed
+open the lacquer-red front door with its brass knocker. <em>If he
+didn’t need me so desperately, I couldn’t do this</em>, she told herself.
+<em>And if I didn’t love him so much, I couldn’t do it, either.</em>
+She pushed the button for the elevator and felt a thrill of
+shame and fear that almost made her sick. And then, out of
+habit, she glanced at her mailbox. It was so full that it could
+not be locked and the door hung open. Laura went to it and
+pulled the bundle of mail out with a sudden premonition.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+The box had not been emptied for days, perhaps weeks;
+perhaps not since the night she ran away.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+<em>Is Jack—is he gone, then?</em> she wondered. For a second her
+weakness and humiliation overwhelmed her and she hoped
+he was. She hoped she would never have to face him. For
+she dreaded what she had done to this man who loved her,
+in his own odd way, more than he loved, or ever had loved,
+anyone else on earth.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+And then, suddenly, she whispered aloud, “No! Oh, no!
+<a id="page-171" class="pagenum" title="171"></a>
+He’s <em>got</em> to be here!”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+She took the elevator to the third floor in a frenzy of impatience
+and crossed the carpeted hall to her apartment door
+swiftly. Like the mailbox, the door was unlocked, and that
+gave her hope. He wouldn’t go out and leave it open for any
+stranger to wander into. It wasn’t like him.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Silent and tremulous, Laura entered the living room.
+“Jack?” she said softly, knowing already there would be no
+answer. “Jack? Be here. Darling, please be here,” she murmured.
+Slowly and fearfully she entered each room, saying
+his name as she did so, and silently, each room revealed nothing
+but his absence. Never had a home seemed so empty.
+Never had her own voice awed and saddened her so.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+She had been through all the rooms a couple of times, halfheartedly
+picking up a thing or two and looking with frightened
+eyes into the dark corners, before she spotted the note.
+It was rolled into the top of a whisky bottle, one of several
+sitting on the kitchen table. She picked it up with trembling
+fingers and read:
+</p>
+
+<div class="letter">
+<p class="noindent">
+“<em>Laura darling.</em> I’m with Terry. I guess you’ve
+gone back to Beebo. Maybe that’s fate, but I still
+think we could have made a go of it. You’re my wife,
+Laura—that’s the difference between life and death
+to me, even now. If you ever read these words, remember,
+I love you, Mrs. Mann. And remember it
+too if you ever want to come home. Jack.”
+</p>
+
+</div>
+
+<p class="noindent">
+Laura wept silently, her throat and chest painfully tight
+with it, crushing the letter against her neck.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+She walked dazedly into the living room, still holding the
+letter, and stared around through her tears. She thought of
+Beebo and the warm, slightly worn rooms she lived in and
+the worn-out love she had left. And she thought of Jack.
+There had been none of his usual piercing sarcasm in the
+note. Nothing but gentleness, nothing but love.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+After a long moment Laura pulled herself together. She
+sank down on the sofa by the table and picked up the mail.
+She felt weak, and she shuffled listlessly through the pile of
+bills and ads and notes and papers. Near the end she almost
+passed up one with Dr. Belden’s name in the return address
+spot. His name registered suddenly in her mind, and she tore
+his letter open with hands newly sprung to life.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+She read only the first half of the first sentence:
+</p>
+
+<div class="letter">
+<a id="page-172" class="pagenum" title="172"></a>
+<p class="noindent">
+“Dear Mrs. Mann. I am delighted to inform you
+that next November, if all goes well, you and Mr.
+Mann will be parents, and....”
+</p>
+
+</div>
+
+<p class="noindent">
+She fainted.
+</p>
+
+<p class="tb">
+* * *
+</p>
+
+<p class="noindent">
+When Laura awoke she was lying on the couch with her
+head back and her mouth open and uncomfortably dry. Carefully
+she lifted her head on a stiff neck, turning it gingerly,
+and sat up straight. On the floor at her feet was the doctor’s
+letter. She picked it up and found her hands shaking so
+that she had to grab at it three times before she caught it
+between her fingers.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+For some moments she sat there, her cornflower eyes enormous
+with shock. Finally she whispered, “I’m going to have
+a child. <em>Me.</em>” A first hysterical thought of abortion flew
+through her mind, but she dismissed it almost before it
+formed.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I’m going to be a woman. I have eight months to get
+ready and I’ve got to <em>be</em> ready when it comes. I’ve got to love
+it and take care of it.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Cautiously she stood up, and unsteadily walked toward
+the bedroom, one hand warm across her stomach. “Now that
+I know, it’s not so bad,” she said, speaking aloud as if to reassure
+herself. “I don’t resent it so much any more. Strange
+... I’m not afraid of it. I don’t know why, exactly. Yes, I
+guess I do.... It’s Jack’s. It’s a part of him. It’s a way to
+make it up to him for what I’ve done.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+She reached her bed and raised her eyes to the windows,
+and the darkness and sparkle of the city outside. It looked
+very beautiful. Jack was out there somewhere. He had to be;
+he couldn’t have gone away, not this soon. His note sounded
+too much as if he were going to look for her, as if he knew
+he and Terry couldn’t last, and he would have to search her
+out and make her try again.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura swept some pajamas and shoes off her bed and sat
+down with a curious feeling of elation and exhaustion. She
+stretched out, still fully dressed, and gazed at the ceiling.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+<em>I’ll find him</em>, she thought. <em>Terry was staying at the Bell
+Towers. I heard him say so. Somebody’ll know where they
+are.</em> She felt very tired and she was surprised to find that she
+was crying again. There seemed to be no reason for it, except
+that she was having a baby. And it belonged to Jack too,
+<a id="page-173" class="pagenum" title="173"></a>
+and that made her smile through the tears.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+A little later, when she dimly realized she was falling
+asleep, she thought of Beebo, and the thought twisted in her
+heart like a pain and almost brought her awake again. But
+it was over for Beebo now. Her life lay in another direction.
+Laura had to save Jack, and somehow, in the saving of him,
+would come her own life and strength. She knew it now, and
+it gave her the first peace she had known in all the years since
+she had first realized that she was a Lesbian.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Only the lightest rustle of air awakened her. She opened
+her eyes. It was still deep night; the room was dark except
+for the small bedlamp she had switched on when she lay down.
+And yet she was wide awake, and she knew he was there.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura turned and saw him standing in the doorway to the
+bedroom, disheveled, his hands in his pockets, his round
+horn rims sliding down his nose. She came up suddenly on
+her elbow, so fast that her head swam a little.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+They looked at each other in silence for a minute; first
+startled, then embarrassed.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Jack?” Laura said timidly, the way she had whispered it
+to the empty rooms earlier in the evening. And again her
+own voice awed her into silence.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+He straightened and walked slowly toward her bed. At the
+foot, he stopped, his hands still in his pockets, his tie loosened,
+his shirt a little gray. His face was serious and tense, as if he
+were quite ready to believe she was a mirage.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+At last he spoke to her softly. “I’ve been coming back
+every night. I was hoping ... I thought you might....”
+He stopped, shutting his eyes for a minute as if to search for
+composure.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura sprang up to her knees on the bed and put her
+arms around him. “I’m here,” she cried. “I’m home, I love
+you, I won’t leave again, Jack.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+But he loosened her arms gently. “I don’t believe you,”
+he said. “I’m afraid to.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Believe me,” she exclaimed passionately. “Jack darling,
+please believe me.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“We were going to leave for San Francisco Thursday,”
+he said, still slightly incredulous. “Terry and I. I promised
+him, if you didn’t come back.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“When did he ever keep a promise to <em>you</em>?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I love him, Laura,” he reminded her.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+<a id="page-174" class="pagenum" title="174"></a>
+That stopped her for a minute. She bowed her head and
+cast about desperately for something to say, something to
+convince him forevermore, as she herself was now convinced,
+that it was their only hope to make this marriage work.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Jack, I’d have gone anywhere in the world to find you,”
+she said, unable to look at him while she talked for fear the
+sight of his face would make her cry again. “I’ve had to hurt
+so many people—too many—to learn my lessons. And I was
+hurt as badly as the others. I’ve made mistakes, ugly ones,
+and I’ve been selfish and silly. But I’ve been trying, I have,
+Jack! And I’ve been learning. I—I—love you.” She looked
+up at him now and for the very first time, in all their long
+acquaintance, she felt a pleasant flush in her cheeks at the sight
+of him. Him ... a man. She felt flustered suddenly, unable
+to go on speaking.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Jack saw it too after a moment, disbelieving it at first and
+then accepting it slowly, with wonderment. “Laura,” he said.
+“Do you still believe we’re just a couple of scared kids? Do
+you still believe we’re running away from the world by marrying
+each other? Do you think we’re going to spend our
+whole lives running after a love that doesn’t exist?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“No,” she whispered.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“You’re still my wife,” he said softly, and put his arms
+around her now, at last, and made her tingle with awkward
+new feelings and unbearable tenderness. “Do you want to live
+with me again? As my wife?”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Yes, Jack.” It wasn’t the passionate unreasoning yes she
+had flung at Beebo in desperation two weeks ago. It was
+quiet and intensely felt. It was a recognized necessity, but
+a beautiful one.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“For how long?” he asked skeptically.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I’m your wife,” she repeated gently to him. “I’ll stay with
+you now.” There was a new sound, a new tone in her voice
+that caught in his heart. As for Laura she was once more
+bewildered by an unexpected tide of emotion that made it
+impossible for her to look at him. “Say yes, Jack,” she whispered.
+“Say it’s all right. Please, before I start crying again.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+He took her head in his hands and kissed her forehead and
+said, “It’s all right. It’s all right honey,” and suddenly they
+clung hard to each other and Laura began to sob with relief
+and joy. She could hardly articulate, trying to spill her lovely
+secret to him. “Jack, Jack, it worked. We’re going to have
+<a id="page-175" class="pagenum" title="175"></a>
+a baby! Darling, we’re going to have a baby!”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+She felt his arms tighten till she lost her breath and when
+she looked up at him this time, with her face blotched and
+her eyes red and her lips curved into a smile, he found himself
+crying happily with her.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+When he could talk, he murmured into her neck, “I saw
+the letter in the box. It came two days after you left. The
+damn thing terrified me. I swear, Laura, I couldn’t open it, I
+couldn’t even touch it. I wouldn’t even <em>look</em> at the damn mailbox.
+I was hoping so much it would be true—and so damn
+afraid if it was you wouldn’t come back. That I’d lost you
+and you might have to have it alone and you wouldn’t want
+it or love it—”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Oh, stop,” she begged. “Jack, darling, stop.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+And they fell back on the bed together, crying and laughing
+and touching each other’s faces.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“My God!” Jack exclaimed suddenly, aware of his weight
+on her. “Did I hurt you? You ought to take it easy, honey.”
+But she chuckled at him.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“If you knew what this poor baby has been through already
+you wouldn’t have a single qualm about it,” she said, smiling.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+He stroked her face with such an expression of love that
+she had to shut her eyes again. “I love you, Jack. I keep telling
+you that. I don’t know why, it just seems like I have to.
+Like I really believe it myself now, for the first time. I love
+you.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+And he kissed her mouth then. It had never happened before
+but it was right and wonderful.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+They lay in each other’s arms and talked and made plans.
+They talked about Beebo and Terry, about themselves, about
+their baby, about life and how good it was when you were
+brave enough to face it.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Laura was afraid of Terry still. “Where is he?” she asked.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“God only knows,” Jack shrugged. “I left him in his room
+at the Towers. I’ve been doing this every night since you
+left. No drinking, no cruising, until I’ve checked the apartment
+to make sure you haven’t come back. I just told him,
+‘If I don’t make it back some night you’ll know she came
+home. Don’t wait for me.’ I don’t suppose he waited very
+long, either. He’s not the type.” He looked down at her, his
+face serious again and frowning. “What about Beebo?” he
+said.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+<a id="page-176" class="pagenum" title="176"></a>
+“It’s over. She knew it long ago. I finally realized it, too.”
+She raised her eyes to his. “I’m not in love with her now.
+Maybe I never was. But I respect her and admire her. She’s
+amazing. And much stronger than I ever gave her credit for.
+I wish to God I could change some things—”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Don’t play that game, darling,” he said quickly. “That’s
+the surest way to break your heart and lose your mind. Save
+yourself for now. And for later. Save yourself for me and
+the baby.” He leaned down and kissed her again and, silent
+and amazed at herself, she returned his kiss with warmth.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Besides,” he added, whispering into her ear, “Somebody’s
+got to clean up the apartment.”
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“I’ll take the living room. You can have the kitchen,” she
+offered.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Thanks.” He grinned and pulled her close in his arms,
+and she didn’t resist him; just nestled against his warm body
+and relaxed in the circle of his strength, a real strength, a
+man’s strength. It felt very good to her.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“After all, we aren’t expecting any visitors today, are we?”
+he said sleepily into her long light hair.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+“Not a soul,” she murmured. She wondered, in that violet
+twilight before sleep, how long it would take her to get used
+to this closeness with him. She was so comfortable ... more
+comfortable, it seemed, and more safe than she had ever been.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+And they fell asleep together with the sigh of relief and
+hope that only the lost, who have found themselves, can feel.
+</p>
+
+<div class="trnote chapter">
+<p class="transnote">
+Transcriber’s Notes
+</p>
+
+<p>
+This text was transcribed from the unchanged reprint edition in the collection
+<em>HOMOSEXUALITY. Lesbians and Gay Men in Society, History and Literature</em>,
+Arno Press: New York, 1975. Materials from a later date than the original
+publication year 1959, such as series title, editorial information, or
+publisher advertisements, have been omitted.
+</p>
+
+<p class="skip_in_txt">
+New original cover art included with this eBook is granted to the public domain.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+The original spelling was mostly preserved.
+A few obvious typographical and punctuation errors as well as variations in hyphenation
+were silently amended.
+All other changes are shown here (before/after):
+</p>
+
+
+
+<ul>
+
+<li>
+... have <span class="underline">feeling</span>?” ...<br>
+... have <a href="#corr-2"><span class="underline">feelings</span></a>?” ...<br>
+</li>
+
+<li>
+... knew it meant she had <span class="underline">spend</span> the day at Julian’s or the Cellar ...<br>
+... knew it meant she had <a href="#corr-5"><span class="underline">spent</span></a> the day at Julian’s or the Cellar ...<br>
+</li>
+
+<li>
+... the worst had been. Beebo was using it <span class="underline">an as</span> excuse to sit ...<br>
+... the worst had been. Beebo was using it <a href="#corr-6"><span class="underline">as an</span></a> excuse to sit ...<br>
+</li>
+
+<li>
+... fact that he was male and strong and full <span class="underline">off</span> affection for her. ...<br>
+... fact that he was male and strong and full <a href="#corr-9"><span class="underline">of</span></a> affection for her. ...<br>
+</li>
+
+<li>
+... play it that way, too. “Can I use your phone<span class="underline">,</span>” she asked. ...<br>
+... play it that way, too. “Can I use your phone<a href="#corr-10"><span class="underline">?</span></a>” she asked. ...<br>
+</li>
+
+<li>
+... Laura <span class="underline">started</span> at her, dumbfounded, for some seconds, before ...<br>
+... Laura <a href="#corr-12"><span class="underline">stared</span></a> at her, dumbfounded, for some seconds, before ...<br>
+</li>
+
+<li>
+... He slipped his coat off without a word, dropped <span class="underline">in</span> on the ...<br>
+... He slipped his coat off without a word, dropped <a href="#corr-13"><span class="underline">it</span></a> on the ...<br>
+</li>
+
+<li>
+... didn’t give a damn if they were married <span class="underline">to</span> not. She had them ...<br>
+... didn’t give a damn if they were married <a href="#corr-14"><span class="underline">or</span></a> not. She had them ...<br>
+</li>
+
+<li>
+... say. I was cold as hell with <span class="underline">him</span>. I tried to keep quiet about it, ...<br>
+... say. I was cold as hell with <a href="#corr-16"><span class="underline">them</span></a>. I tried to keep quiet about it, ...<br>
+</li>
+
+<li>
+... good mother to it<span class="underline">.</span>” ...<br>
+... good mother to it<a href="#corr-17"><span class="underline">?</span></a>” ...<br>
+</li>
+
+<li>
+... “Do you <span class="underline">knew</span> where he is?” ...<br>
+... “Do you <a href="#corr-19"><span class="underline">know</span></a> where he is?” ...<br>
+</li>
+
+<li>
+... “Did she ... <span class="underline">every</span> really love me, Milo?” Laura asked it ...<br>
+... “Did she ... <a href="#corr-20"><span class="underline">ever</span></a> really love me, Milo?” Laura asked it ...<br>
+</li>
+</ul>
+</div>
+
+
+<div style='text-align:center'>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 77570 ***</div>
+</body>
+</html>
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diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt
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@@ -0,0 +1,11 @@
+This book, including all associated images, markup, improvements,
+metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be
+in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES.
+
+Procedures for determining public domain status are described in
+the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org.
+
+No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in
+jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize
+this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright
+status under the laws that apply to them.
diff --git a/README.md b/README.md
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@@ -0,0 +1,2 @@
+Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for eBook #77570
+(https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/77570)