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diff --git a/76976-0.txt b/76976-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..c257271 --- /dev/null +++ b/76976-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1685 @@ + +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 76976 *** + + + + + + TRANSCRIBER’S NOTE + + Italic text is denoted by _underscores_. + + Bold text is denoted by =equal signs=. + + Some minor changes to the text are noted at the end of the book. + + + + + LITTLE BLUE BOOK NO. 988 + Edited by E. Haldeman-Julius + + The Art of Courtship + + Clement Wood + + HALDEMAN-JULIUS COMPANY + GIRARD, KANSAS + + + + + Copyright, 1926, + Haldeman-Julius Company. + + PRINTED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA + + + + +CONTENTS. + + + Page + 1. Why One Must Woo 5 + The Origin of Wooing 5 + Reasons Against Wooing 8 + Wooing by Women 12 + What Wooing Consists of 13 + 2. Whom to Woo 15 + Physical Mates 15 + Mental Mates 19 + Social Mates 20 + Special Problems 22 + 3. How a Man Woos 25 + Whom to Woo 25 + Object and Method of Wooing 27 + Problems of Wooing 32 + The Proposal, and After 33 + Courtship After Marriage 35 + 4. How a Woman Woos 37 + Fancy Flirtations 37 + Judging Men 39 + “Nice” Girl or Human Being 43 + 5. Conduct During the Engagement 47 + Conduct in Public 47 + In Private 50 + Termination of Engagements 53 + 6. Famous Courtships 57 + Courting by Poetry 57 + Great Lovers 59 + + + + +THE ART OF COURTSHIP + + + + +WHY ONE MUST WOO + + +_The Origin of Wooing._--The normal man must woo the woman who attracts +him, because of an instinct planted deep in his nature, which had +its origin far down in the scale of life. The modern civilized woman +must woo, because this obligation has been laid upon her by man’s +rearrangement of society, dating from the savage hour when he ended the +era of woman-rule, the matriarchate, and took the leadership himself. + +The first separate male appears at about the stage of the barnacle +in the scale of animal life. The female barnacle, a shellfish +attached permanently to a rock, pier, or the hull of a ship, gives +birth to from two to seven little male consorts, or husbands, whom +she keeps in little openings in her shell, like pockets. From among +these pocket-husbands she picks out the one she pleases to mate with +her; usually selecting the largest (for all are much smaller than +herself), and, where sizes are equal, the one that she feels drawn to +emotionally. From this emotion gradually emerges the esthetic sense, +or sense of the beautiful. Thus the first male did not have to do any +wooing: he was picked, like the apple that one day made Eden vanish +away. + +As we rise higher in the scale of animal life, say among the spiders +and insects like the grotesquely horrible praying mantis, the male +has to woo: and a bloody and savage mate he must go after! The female, +still larger than her male, sits back and waits for the audacious mate +to approach. He feels one impelling biological purpose: to mate with +her, and make sure that offspring will come. Nature has implanted +this overpowering instinct in him. In the female, are two appetites; +a fainter desire to mate, and ordinary hunger. Her male must satisfy +both, in his wooing. As he approaches her, the Theda Bara among insects +grasps the male and eats, first his head, then a leg or two, and a part +of his body. When the edge has been taken off her appetite, she rests. +At this time what is left of the male completes the mating. When her +hunger returns again, the female finishes her devouring of the male. + +The male bee, who outflies the other males in the lofty nuptial flight +of the queen bee, mates with her in thin high air far above the +earth; and dies at the moment of mating, his husk of a body falling, +like Lucifer out of heaven, to the earth far below. There are other +cases where mating spells death for the male: but Nature is kinder +in most matings, and the male survives. When we reach the birds and +the mammals, the wooing is a gorgeous thing. For the male bird or +beast, as a slow result of female selection based upon her esthetic or +beauty-loving sense, has developed into a far more gorgeous creature +than his mate. The bright glitter of the peacock, the gorgeous flame +of the male tanager and cardinal bird, the glow of gay tropical bird +males, the lion’s mane, the rooster’s comb and feather display, the +stag’s branching antlers, the humble billygoat’s beard, the man’s +beard, all have developed to stimulate the jaded eye of the female. +The mating songs, from the bird carols to the whooping crane’s strange +howls, with bill opened to the sky, neck stiff as a ramrod, and wings +pumping out the weird noises, and from the tomcat’s caterwauling to +the corner quartette’s strange agonies over “Sweet Adeline”--all have +developed to stimulate the bored ear of the female. At mating time, +the male is often a ridiculous sight, with his stiff formal dances and +prancings before the female, even among the animals. He must woo: that +is what he was made for. The female was not made primarily to woo: her +task is to live, and to transmit life to the generations after her. The +male, originally, was merely an incident in her life. + +Thus the normal boy and young man came to the wooing period with a +tremendous inward urge, that gives them no release until they have +wooed and won. The female matures earlier in the human race; and girls +pass through a year or two of excessive curiosity and interest in +the male sex, when their boy friends of the same age are ordinarily +entirely cold to all female charms. The hidden hour comes when boy +alters to man. His voice changes and lowers, in that ridiculous +kaleidoscope of sound that is humorously called “the goslings.” A tiny +fuzz appears on male lips, cheeks, and chin: the young man is as proud +of the first hair of his incipient mustache as if he were entitled to +credit for it. His body alters, and the mating impulse sweeps over him. +No matter how much he has scoffed at mere girls before, they suddenly +fill the whole horizon. Just as the animals strut to attract attention, +so boys and young men during this transition and shortly afterwards +will do anything to gain the gaze of even a passing girl. They talk +in loud tones on the street, they jostle a passing girl, they cut up +absurd capers--all to gain the first look from a woman’s eyes. Then +this bubbling simmers down, and they set out on the long chase of the +female, which may occupy much of their lives thereafter. + +If the boy or young man continues uninterested in girls, this is a bad +sign. It may be bashfulness: we will take up that symptom and its cure +later. It may indicate some inner twist, which makes him prefer his own +company, or that of members of his own sex, to female company. This is, +spiritually at least, a sort of perversion; it is a sterile attitude, +contrary to the wide purposes of nature. In normal cases, he can no +more avoid wooing than he can avoid feeling hungry and going after +food. For that is what he is on earth for, from a physical point of +view. + + +_Reasons Against Wooing._--Lord Bacon, that prosy old cynic whom +misguided persons have sought to identify as the author of the plays +attributed to Shakespeare, says in his Essays: “A wife and children are +impediments to great enterprises, either of virtue or mischief.” There +is the smoke of truth here, but it points to a fire very different +from the one the sardonic old politician intended. Great enterprises +gain much of their impetus, from the male’s desire to stand well +in the female’s eyes. Another angle on the matter might be worded, +that the energy which is implanted in man for wooing purposes may be +deflected into enterprises, such as piratical and military careers, +adventure trips and explorations. But more often than not, the spur +that sends the man into building a house, or tilling a field, into +slicing mountains apart to wed great oceans, discovering a pole or a +hidden hinterland civilization, into achievement of any distinguished +kind, is the desire to gain merit in the eyes of some specific woman, +or of women in general. A great thinker has said that civilization is +a sublimation, or expression in another form, of the primitive love +desire. A man, because of his short height, or some physical diseases +or disability, is rebuffed in youth by a woman: to provide against a +repetition of the rebuff, he becomes a financial figure in Wall Street, +or a conqueror of the world; or, at least, he tries to achieve this. +Thus the spur of feminine approval is what goads the horse, man, to +enterprises of virtue and mischief. + +Of course, wooing does not necessarily involve marriage, or the man’s +assumption of responsibility for the children. Many men remain closer +to the primitive, and are satisfied to enjoy the woman, often at great +cost to her, and thereafter to abandon her with what children she +may have as a result of the union. Such men lose the finer fruits of +mating, the long comradeship of a compatible woman that makes life a +complete enjoyment, rather than a fragmentary one. The fact that a man +has accepted a wife and children may tone down his spirit of adventure: +from absurd masculine displays, “playing to the galleries” of mankind, +his energy is altered to proper continuing courtship of his wife, and +the making of a home for her and the children. To that extent Bacon is +right: “great,” in the sense of flashy and foolhardy, enterprises “of +virtue or mischief” are replaced by ordinary sensible human living. But +there is no loss to the man, rather a gain. + +Again, the fact of acquiring a wife and children, if the man is well +mated, acts as his chief spur to steady achievement in whatever is +his role in human life. The unmated man is a wild, reckless creature, +taking any kind of absurd risk, sinking a year’s earnings in one +night’s play at the gambling table, going on roaring drinking parties, +regarding women as his prey rather than as possible companions. The +well-mated man is a social unit, or a part of one, at least. The +wanderlust is drained away in the humbler yet loftier task of building +his own world toward his dreams, rather than skylarking over the world +in the vain hope that somewhere he will find the world of his dreams +already built for him. + +There are dangers in mating, grave dangers: the divorce records of the +country indicate many of them. The chief one is where the man, at an +early age, contracts a marriage with a woman who is a fit mate for him +then, but lacks the capacity for growth along with him. This applies in +many cases where the man makes a success thereafter in any line. When +he was a ten-dollar-a-week man, he married a ten-dollar-a-week woman; +when he became a ten thousand dollar a year man, the woman remained +a ten-dollar-a-week woman, and became a distinct and draining load +upon his back, and a deterrent to his continued success and happiness. +Boswell, Johnson’s biographer, may have had this type in mind when he +wrote: + + Whilst courting, and in honeymoon, + With Kate’s allurements smitten, + I loved her late, I loved her soon, + And called her dearest kitten. + + But now my kitten’s grown a cat, + And cross, like other wives. + Alas! alas! my honest Matt, + I fear she has nine lives. + +In “How to Love” (Little Blue Book No. 98), problems of this nature +were taken up and discussed: the only remedy being, where a marriage +becomes loveless, to terminate the marriage, for the benefit of +the man, the woman, and the children concerned. From the woman’s +standpoint, the chief danger in mating is that she will get a man +lacking her sensitiveness, and unable to grow into an appreciation +of it. She finds herself mated for life to a cruder, coarser, and +incompatible male; and, when love dies, and cruelty and infidelity take +its place, only the remedy indicated above will serve. There are all +these dangers: but they call rather for a wiser courtship, than for an +abolition of wooing and mating. + +Lastly, a man or woman is incomplete without courtship and mating. +Those who say that a man or woman can become a perfected, rounded human +being without human love, are deceivers, spreading a mental poison. The +man or woman who goes too long without the practice of love contracts a +case of ingrowing love, as painful and morbid as an ingrowing toenail. +All the immense love energy stagnates and fouls into a diseased nature, +hateful, spiteful, gossipy, perverted and warped from real humanness. +There can be no ultimate reason against mating. The task is to woo well +and mate wisely. + + +_Wooing by Women._--Today, contrary to the custom in the sub-human +world and among the earliest savage men, woman must woo as well as +man. The reason lies in man’s alteration of the standards of society. +The female animal is not as competent as her mate in the hunt and the +kill, and in coping with life. Men have rendered women incompetent by +thousands of years of hothouse sheltering and by servile toil for many +more. The woman today realizes,--we speak of the less intelligent woman +now--that her task in life is to obtain a husband, as a permanent meal +ticket, and as provider of home, clothing, and all the rest of the +tremendous trifles of civilization. Such a mistaught girl goes after a +man as a fisherman goes after a brook trout, and more frequently than +is good for the man lands the poor fish, and has him hooked thoroughly +thereafter. Such a woman has been taught that marriage should be based, +not upon love, but upon a man’s ability to care financially for the +woman. Life’s highest crown is a satisfying human love. This she has +not aimed for, and this she does not get. When she aims low, she scores +low: and, if the man is wise, he will dump her and leave her high and +dry, when it is too late for her to go after the finer goal. + +But even the wise woman today realizes that the whole social +arrangement of mating between the sexes is overcast with absurd taboos +and restrictions; and that, if she is to mate happily, she must regain +part of woman’s lost privilege of choice. There is nothing “unladylike” +in her doing the choosing, in her unostentatious wooing, and, if +necessary, in her proposing marriage herself. We will take up woman as +a wooer later. + + +_What Wooing Consists Of._--From the standpoint of either sex, wooing +superficially consists of only one thing: conquest of the woman or man +pursued, the gaining of the ultimate favor, if the woman be pursued, +with or without marriage, and the gaining of marriage, if the man +is the pursued. If wooing is regarded in this light, it is possible +that the pursuit is always limited, if not erroneous. For the matter +of conquest is not the ultimate one in wooing and mating. The proper +purpose of wooing is to choose and win the right mate. + +The matter of choosing brings up the second and far more important +element of wooing, which might be described as education in the +opposite sex. Society today makes no adequate provision for practical +laboratory education in the characteristics of the opposite sex: a +wiser civilization will supply ample facilities for this indispensable +part of human education. The man comes to adolescence without any +knowledge of woman, beyond his slight information concerning his mother +and his sisters, if he has any, and casual contacts with other girls +and women. The girl comes to adolescence as ill-informed. Yet soon +thereafter man and girl are called upon to enter, without preliminary +training, the game or gamble of securing a life mate, who will lift +them up or drag them down thereafter, in all of their efforts. Socially +this is a crime. The only thing that can partially supply the lack of +information, today, is the wooing period. For, after marriage, it is +difficult to end the relationship; and, before marriage, if the parties +learn they are ill-suited, intelligent men and women still have a +dignified chance to break off the unwise mating before it solidifies +into the chains of marriage. Keep in mind, then, that the wooing period +is primarily a time for learning about the other sex, and its traits +and eccentricities. The young man or woman in love should study the +subject, from books and from living teachers, as amply as possible: and +should observe other men and women, unmarried and married, with eyes +as clear as he or she can make them. If the wooing is regarded as an +education in love, and especially in the person wooed, its value will +be doubled. + + + + +II + +WHOM TO WOO + + +_Physical Mates._--The lowest form of mating is that on the exclusively +physical plane. Yet this is perhaps the most important aspect of all. +If lovers are not physically pleasing and satisfactory to each other, +all the financial and other inducements are worthless. + +The first problem concerns the respective ages of the parties. Should +they be of the same ages? If not, which should be older? On this point, +Shakespeare says: + + Let still the woman take + An elder than herself; so wears she to him, + So sways she level in her husband’s heart. + For, boy, however we do praise ourselves, + Our fancies are more giddy and inform, + More longing, wavering, sooner lost and won, + Than woman’s are. + +The woman matures earlier; so the younger woman is the normal +equivalent, especially physically, of the man a few years older. +This is all right for the time of the mating: but thereafter the man +overcomes the woman’s lead, and soon surpasses her; and when, at her +change of life, she has largely finished her physical function of +love-making, the man is still equipped as a wooer and lover. On the +other side of the same question, the same poet wrote: + + Crabbed Age and Youth + Cannot live together: + Youth is full or pleasance, + Age is full of care; + Youth like summer morn, + Age like winter weather, + Youth like summer brave, + Age like winter bare: + Youth is full of sport, + Age’s breath is short, + Youth is nimble, Age is lame; + Youth is hot and bold, + Age is weak and cold, + Youth is wild, and Age is tame:-- + Age, I do abhor thee, + Youth, I do adore thee; + O! my Love, my Love is young! + Age, I do defy thee-- + O sweet shepherd, hie thee, + For methinks thou stay’st too long. + +This is worth quoting in full to drive home, in the concentrated +phrasing of a master, the extreme differences between youth and age. +When an elderly well-to-do man marries a young and lovely girl, as +often happens, this may apply; and when a young man marries a woman old +enough to be his mother, this may also apply. + +And yet, each one’s problems of the choice of a mate is an individual +problem: no general rules may be laid down. The man’s first vague +ideal of the woman he wishes to love is made to imitate largely, in +normal cases, his mother; the girl’s, her father. If this first ideal +impression persists with great strength thereafter, youth will be +happy only with age. If, in the more normal case, youth desires youth +finally, then the invaluable courtship period should have taught this +lesson: the young man or woman turns from the intended older mate, +and the evil is corrected before it is too late. The person fully +experienced in love will have experimented in courtship with people of +various ages, to find where the ideal lies. Too much experimentation, +of course, rubs off something of the bloom, but if enlightenment +follows this rubbing off of the bloom, the thing is worthwhile. + +As to dispositions, again no general rule can be laid down. Biological +science says those are most happily mated whose dispositions are +opposite. Similarly, biological science says that blonde should +mate with brunette, and tall with short: it making no difference to +science whether the man is the tall or short one, or the woman the +short or tall one. Biological science is true in generalities, and +does not pretend to solve individual cases and preferences. The only +recommendation is, try the one you are first attracted to; and, if +the period of courtship indicates a mistake has been made, and that +incompatibility comes from opposite temperaments, or from the same +temperaments, try elsewhere. + +When should one woo and marry? Are early or late marriages advisable? +Here society’s present financial arrangement comes in. Unless the +man or woman is wealthy already--and few are--the man cannot afford +to support a wife, in professional or white-collared business life, +until he is from 25 to 30. Marriage on a very small income may work +out successfully; in the majority of cases, it does not. The girl who +marries at eighteen has hardly had time to know her own mind yet: +there are arguments for waiting until she is 22 to 25, or even older. +If the man or woman matures slowly, this is reason for later mating. +The danger in late matings is that the man and woman have grown more +fixed and rigid in minor matters: more crotchety, more old-maidish or +old-mannish. The young are more adaptable. All of these things must be +weighed. In general, courtship should begin soon after adolescence, and +the mating should be entered upon as soon as the young man and young +woman feel that they are completely unhappy unless living together. + +Health is an important matter. Some states require a health certificate +from both man and woman; and this is a wise precaution. The man or +woman venereally infected should not be permitted to marry, until +medical science gives a clean bill of health. If a man marries a sickly +and ailing woman, who will become an invalid, he is bound down to an +excessive and unpleasing load for life. On the other hand, marriage may +end the woman’s invalidism, which may have been assumed subconsciously +as a protection against being overworked at home, or which may be a +case of physical warping caused by non-expression of the love energy. +If the woman marries an invalid man, unless she wishes to support him +for life, more unhappiness will follow. Samuel Butler, in _Erewhon_, +calls disease a crime; and crime, a mere disease, to be cured by +doctors. For ill health, punishment should follow. This attitude, +revolutionary in a high degree, is in the main sound. Except in rare +cases, only the physically sound should mate. During the courtship, +this should be gone into carefully. + +From the physical standpoint, a man should woo that woman or those +women who attract him physically. The wooing period will indicate +whether any one woman is congenial and increasingly desirable. No +one but a congenial woman who is increasingly desirable should be +permanently mated with. The girl should be guided by the same principle +of choice. + + +_Mental Mates._--The former conception was that the man was supposed +to be the intellectual one, by training, and by contact with the +broadening influences of his work, and of the world of men; and +that the woman should be an intellectual weakling, tending toward +imbecility. In the Oriental world, with its harems and harem favorites, +this is at times the situation achieved. Such a method deprives love +and mating of its chief glory: the intellectual companionship of +congenial spirits. + +Woman is no longer forbidden an education. Elementary education is +generally hers, required by law; she may have a college training, or +its equivalent; and, in general, in life thereafter, if left with time +on her hands at home, she is more literate, in the world of books and +ideas, than the man; although she may have had less personal contact +with large groups of minds, such as a man encounters in his business +and social connections. The balance, for the ideal mating, should swing +closer. A woman is the gainer by practical experience at working, so +that she may realize from the standpoint of the earner the value of a +dollar, and not measure it merely from the standpoint of the spender. + +A man once locked his business cares up when he left the office, and +never brought them home; or, if he brought them home, brought them +merely as complaints, unintelligible to his wife. The ideal mating +is where the man and woman are equally interested and intelligent +in the business welfare, and are, in effect, partners, as they must +be in results. This state can rarely be entirely reached. But if, +during the courtship, the girl turns out to be a chatter-tongued and +scatter-brained little fool, this is a danger signal to the man, to +get out while the getting is good. The girl who raves over the movies, +dances like a feather, and thinks like one, is not likely to be a fit +mate or mother to the man’s children. The man who turns out to be +merely a would-be sheik, with no ideas above professional baseball or +spending all he has made in a week in one night, is hardly to be chosen +as a permanent mate. Unless such a pair woo and win each other: which +makes two other people happy, who might have won these lemons and been +unhappy thereafter. Courtship is the great testing time, to see whether +the two concerned are congenial mentally, and whether they apparently +have similar capacities of mental growth. + + +_Social Mates._--Should a girl marry only a man well able to support +her? Should a man marry only a girl who is well off financially? These +questions would be absurd, if current standards of society did not let +them largely dictate many of the most unhappy marriages among us. One +should marry for love, primarily and almost entirely. The purpose of +mating is to increase one’s happiness: love cannot be bought, and the +thing called bought love cannot increase happiness. Love in poverty +has a harder row to hoe than love in comparative opulence: but love +in poverty is immeasurably better than sham love in opulence, which +grows soon enough to hatred in opulence. Let physical attractiveness, +plus mental congeniality, be the touchstones during the wooing period. +The money will somehow come to those who are not utterly spiritual +weaklings, and who present a loving and united front to the world. They +may never be well off: but they will win more of the goal of mating and +life, which is happiness, than well-to-do haters of their mates. + +The matter of social position is similar. The chance of happiness in +marriage today is not great when all advantages are in favor of the +mating parties. When to this is added a distinct difference in social +standing, this makes the problem harder of solution. Let this fact, +when ascertained, put you on your guard. But, at the same time, it is +only one fact among many to be weighed; and, if the physical and mental +attractions are strong enough, they should overweigh any inequality in +rearing and background. + +Of all errors achieved in mating, perhaps marrying to reform a man is +the worst. If a man cannot overcome his pet vices during the courting +period, when he is free to fight the battle out within himself, it +is almost a sure bet he will not alter after marriage. Even if he +temporarily ends the faults or vices during the courting, he may slump +later. Reforming a man (or a girl either) is a tremendous gamble. If +you choose to gamble with your life, and enjoy the risk, that is an +excellent reason for going ahead with it. But the more normal human +beings will leave reformation to the person concerned, and marry for +other and sounder reasons. + + +_Special Problems._--Should a man be married who has sowed his wild +oats? Or should a girl insist upon the man’s coming to the mating pure? +Should a girl be married who has sowed her wild oats? Or should a man +insist upon her coming to the mating pure? + +The average answer is that the man is the gainer by the sowing of +wild oats; and that the girl is ruined by the practice. Needless to +say, this angle of judgment is all wrong. If the sowing of wild oats +consists in mere amorous experience with other women, or in this +coupled with drinking, even to the point of moderate drunkenness, and +gambling on a scale not too large, the man is not injured for marriage +by these. Nor is the girl injured in the slightest. The object of +life is to achieve happiness. The chief method of gaining this is by +experiencing the world. Love experience is no more harmful (unless +pregnancy results) than experience in sampling different food menus. +If disease has come, that is a matter for the doctors to pass upon, +and the discussion of health above covers it. If the girl has had an +illegitimate child, society’s ban is so strong that the case is altered +somewhat. This is a factor to be weighed by both parties: it does not +of necessity make the girl any the less fit as a mate, than the man +would be if he had had an illegitimate child by another woman. + +In general, the man is better off for having sowed some wild oats +before marriage: he is less liable to plow a field of post-marital wild +oats. The same is true, although in a slightly less degree, of the +girl. The only difference is caused by the weight of social standards +upon the two sexes today. + +Should a bashful man or woman woo or be wooed? Bashfulness is in no +wise discreditable; it is in general a nervous trait which may be +remedied. It comes in general from a want of self-confidence. In +general, the bashful continue plugging away in humble self-effacement; +and, at times, suddenly burst forth with an achievement far ahead of +that of the brassiest individual, self-confident from birth. The cure +for bashfulness is contact with crowds, which brings sooner or later +the realization that you are not inferior in the slightest to the run +of humanity, and are superior to many of your associates. Something of +the Coué method--repeating to yourself, without intentional compulsion, +“I am important, I believe in myself,” might help. Luckily for the +bashful, they ordinarily attract the opposite temperament. If the +husband of the bashful woman does not make fun of her peculiarity, but +sympathetically brings her out, and if the wife of the bashful man does +the same, the effort becomes more than twice as successful. In general, +the bashful make mates as satisfactory, or more satisfactory, than the +self-confident. + +Is love at first sight a possibility? Of course, and a frequent one. +The normal man falls in love, at first sight, with every attractive +woman he sees. If this is an error, take it as a confession. Many a +woman falls in love at first sight with a man who satisfies her ideal, +hitherto unrealized. If both feel the emotion simultaneously, we have +the perfect case. The subsequent wooing will indicate whether this is +enduring love, or an illusion. + +Should a man or woman woo several persons at once? In general, +especially in the earlier stages of the wooing, this is an advantage. +If you wish to buy a jewel, you are wise if you examine several, before +making your final choice. The same applies to wooing for a mate. We say +at once, because successive wooing permits choice really only of some +subsequent love object; whereas the first may be, after all, the most +suited. Wooing should be done in honesty; so the element of deception +of the parties concerned should not ordinarily be used. This is not +because it is ethically wrong, but because, if found out, unpleasant +consequences may ensue. But, in general, the wider the choice, the more +satisfactory the mating that follows. People who marry the first woman +or man they are infatuated with are seldom well mated. Since trial +wooings are socially accepted, they should be taken advantage of. + +We can now proceed to the technique of wooing. + + + + +III + +HOW A MAN WOOS + + +_Whom to Woo._--The first thing to emphasize is that you are wooing +the girl, and not her father, her mother, her aunts, or her family in +general. Since the objects of the wooing are (1) to learn whether the +girl is congenial, and (2) to persuade her that you are congenial, and +should be accepted, you will find that the second object is achieved +best by making yourself attractive to her. In cases where she cares +for the opinion of her mother, or father, or family, it is the part of +wisdom to court, within reason, the family as well. But the main thing +is to woo the girl. + +The girl must be willing to be wooed, sooner or later, or you had best +cease your efforts. In normal cases, she will not object from the +start. If she objects, because she is interested in someone else, or +thinks she does not care to be made love to or to marry, or because +she thinks there is some personal reason why you are distasteful, +your first task is to continue courteously in your suit, until you +test out whether or not you can remove this preliminary bar. If she +is interested in some one else, this becomes the old conflict between +males for the female’s favor: and you will use the methods indicated +hereafter. If she professes to be entirely uninterested in love and +mating, unless she is abnormal fundamentally this is easy to overcome. +Lay aside your obvious wooing, interest yourself in whatever she is +interested in, and qualify as a friend and companion in her own +interests. She will soon, if she is normal, recognize the great value +of your companionship, and from this love should speedily grow. + +If the objection is that she finds some trait in the man that is +distasteful to her, this dislike must be overcome. Perhaps the +objection is to some mannerism of the man’s, some error of speech, or +some habit which may be altered by him. In such cases, if he desires to +win the girl’s favor, he must either change the trait, or convince her +that she does not really object to it. Of course, her very objection +may be an education to the young man, both as to her nature, and as to +how others look upon his actions. If, for objection, she objects to his +friendship with a certain man, or to his going to baseball games, he +may, after studying out the matter, decide that the girl is too narrow +in her ideas to be his desired mate. He should, of course, first try +to educate her attitude toward an acceptance of his trait; but, if he +fails, the world is full of girls, and he may find much more happiness +elsewhere. Suppose her objection is to some error of speech that the +man constantly commits. In this case, his task is to correct it, not +only to please the girl, but because her objection has given him an +insight into how other people regard the mistake which he may have +always heard made and made himself, without exciting comment. + +Six months ago, a girl whom I know met a young man, of good family, +fairly well-to-do, fairly educated (a couple of college degrees, I +think), and a man who had traveled rather extensively in Europe and +South America. He played a good hand of bridge, was interested in the +same artistic things that the girl was, and was smitten with her from +the first. After playing around with him for a couple of months, she +refused to see him thereafter, except in a large party; and absolutely +refused to let him court her further. The reason can be gathered +from this typical specimen of his conversation. “I was at the club, +see? A lot of the fellows were there, see? And we decided to shoot a +little bridge, see? On the very first hand, see? I had four honors in +diamonds, and I bid two diamonds, see?” Tactfully the girl had pointed +out that the constantly reiterated “see” just was not done by literate +people. The man could not or would not change it: and yet that small +irksome trait was what cost him the girl he wanted. + +In more usual cases, however, the girl is willing to be wooed from the +start. Then your task is easier. + + +_Object and Methods of Wooing._--The object of wooing, in addition to +its value as education in the opposite sex, is to win the regard of the +other person, if you continue to desire her, and to win her consent +to the mating. What is the practical method of doing this? The easy +and only wholly satisfactory way is to make yourself attractive to the +girl, so that you become indispensable to her happiness, her enjoyment +of any experience, and her contented living. + +Let it be repeated, that the man must stand high in the girl’s eyes, +to give the mating a chance for success. If the girl takes a man as +a last chance, because she fears she can get no other suitor, the +chance for happiness is lessened: if at any time later she meets a more +attractive man who persuades her that he would have proposed, if she +had waited, regret and dissatisfaction may set in, and the whole love +and marriage relationship may be curdled. When a man singles out a girl +for his attention, he cannot avoid transplanting the situation back +to the old savage days, when the male preened and strutted before the +female, anxious for her approval. What are some of the obvious ways to +win her approval, which at times are neglected so disastrously that the +man’s chances end at once? + +Notice the man’s difficult task: to look at himself with the girl’s +eyes, and furnish her with an increasingly attractive picture of +himself. Some genius uttered the brilliant half truth that love is +blind. Luckily for all of us, this is largely true. But a girl’s +parents and relatives, friends, and rival suitors, will obligingly +lend their eyes as glasses to her: and the man may expect to find what +faults he has magnified almost out of recognition. What, then, from the +girls’ standpoint, will she look for in the man? + +First of all, girls are by nature neater than men. Girls will allow +much latitude to a man for carelessness in attire. But the man who +neglects such simple toilet matters as the care of his nails, and +presents himself with a black rim under them; who lets his shirts +and collars remain in service till they are sooty; whose shoes are +unnecessarily unpolished, on occasions when she may expect to be +judged by other eyes from the standpoint of her escort,--such a +neglectful man may as well know that any one of these things may damn +him more in the eyes of the girl than if he had committed murder. + +Secondly, a girl will judge the man by how she thinks he will look +in the eyes of her friends and associates. If the man is slightly +ungrammatical, and so are she and her friends, this makes no +difference. But, if she has more booklearning than he, and if her +friends are critical in this regard, and regard themselves as at +all highbrowish, the man must make it his job to grow up to her +literate standards. “I don’t like that there show,” “them sort of +pictures,” “moving pitchers,” “I ought to of went,” and all the rest +of the verbal atrocities that the ungrammatical blunder into, must be +corrected. Winning and keeping a girl’s regard must be regarded as +seriously as getting ahead in business. Wooing thus includes a course +in self-improvement, along every line. It will do no harm to obtain a +book of handy helps in grammar, in etiquette, and the like. Don’t eat +peas with your knife, or wear a red tie with a dinner jacket: unless +the girl prefers it. In that case, the advice is the reverse: study +the proper mistakes to make. Later on, you can gradually lead the girl +toward improving herself. Make yourself attractive in every way in the +eyes of the girl, and of the relatives or friends on whose judgment she +relies. + +The moral qualities go along with this. The normal girl will prefer a +man who stands well in men’s eyes: that is, who has the reputation of +a he-man, equipped with at least an average amount of human courage. As +a matter of fact, if the last sentence were truer, it would be better +for girls. A large number of them, unfortunately, prefer instead the +man whom women like, and men dislike: the parlor lizard type, the +afternoon tea snake specimen, the namby-pamby woman-pleaser who never +makes a success of anything in life except wooing women. There is a +thrill, beyond doubt, in being wooed and kissed by such a man: there is +much unhappiness in a continuing relationship with him. + +Having made yourself attractive, the next thing is to make yourself +important and indispensable in the girl’s eyes. If the girl is +sensible, a display of sensible ideas on matters of life will aid; if +she is frivolous minded, a display of a frivolous, spendthrift nature +is more shrewd. Do the things she expects of you: date her up as often +as she desires--it may take all of your shrewdness to ascertain the +fact, too. Take her, not essentially where you want to, but where she +wants to go. If you adore boxing matches, and she prefers Coney Island +and art museums, postpone the boxing matches and take in the others. If +you like good music, and she cares only for the movies and baseball, +first make up your mind whether you want to continue to woo her; and, +if you do, especially at first, take her where she wants to go, and +only slowly and tactfully sprinkle in with the cinema thrills and the +paid athletics a small dose of Brahms and Beethoven. Do what she +expects of you: and always do a little more. That is, do the unexpected +thoughtful little things. Find out her favorite foods, chewing gums, +cigarettes, people, amusements; and go out of your way to provide +her with these. If you like chewy chocolates, and she detests candy +and adores pickles, do not provide her with an elegant two pound box +of chewy chocolates. Don’t be like the married man who presents his +timid old-fashioned wife with a box of cigars for Christmas, and then +smokes them himself. Be more courteous and thoughtful to her in public +that she has a right to expect. This advice is sound, unless the girl +is of the rare clinging vine type who wants a man to bang her around +in alleged he-man style. If that is what she wants, give her all the +banging she can stand. Make your motto, “We Strive to Please”--and do +more than strive. + +You will want, and she will expect, some physical love from the start. +Among different strata of society, customs as to kissing and caressing +differ. Never give the girl less than she expects. After you have found +out that she likes to be kissed, you will disappoint her permanently +if you give her the sort of kiss you would give dear old Aunt Tabbie, +aged ninety-eight in the shade. Yet remember to think of her wishes +primarily: don’t give her the sort of kisses you want first, but the +kind that she wants. Your artistry will come in subtly leading her to +want things that you want. And, once a woman is generally satisfied +with a wooer, and wants his approval, she moves swiftly to the place +where she wants to please her lover in every way. Then the desires +coincide: and the man can read his own wishes, and know them for the +girl’s as well. + + +_Problems of Wooing._--The man should find out what he wants from the +girl--whether a mere flirtation, a temporary mating, or a permanent +one--and adapt his technique to gaining his goal. For instance, in the +question of letters. He should do his best to satisfy a girl’s craving +for love letters, if separations occur. In all probability, he cannot +satisfy her desires here: what she really wants is his presence, and +a thousand-page letter does not give the thrill of that. Ordinarily +it is not the best tactics to spill over endlessly in a love letter: +a chatty, companionable letter, with artistically worded love phrases +that hint a vast withheld reservoir of love, is better as a rule than +pages of sugary sentimentality. Except at the very first, when all +rules of sanity are laid aside. And yet, recall that, if you desire +subsequently to retire from the courtship, love letters may be very +embarrassing. Try to phrase your letters so that they mean everything +to the girl, and nothing to the outside world, which may have the +pleasure of reading them in newspaper columns featuring a breach of +promise case. It is well to keep this possibility in mind from the +start. Don’t store up trouble for yourself in this fashion. Be cryptic +and allusive, leaving more than half for the girl to read between the +lines. It may save you trouble in the long run. + +As for wooing and proposing by proxy, even the most bashful person had +just as well learn that it is suicidal. The proxy brings a message +to the girl that should come from the beloved man: insensibly her +emotion goes out to the bearer of the message. Captain Miles Standish +sent John Alden to woo Priscilla for him, and the maiden wisely said, +“Why don’t you speak for yourself, John?” King Edgar’s trusted courier +wrote the king that the maiden he desired to wed was ugly and wholly +unattractive, and then proceeded to marry her himself for her beauty, +for which the king later lopped off the man’s head. Wooing by proxy is +much worse than not wooing at all. + +As for quarrels, the more experienced wooer will have few or none of +them. Beginners in love will insensibly drift into them. Now quarrels +have no place in most real loves: they are a sign of some concealed +dislike or aversion, which may take a more virulent and costly form +after the wooing has been made irrevocable, or comparatively so, by +marriage. If the quarrel can be easily patched up, well and good; but +if quarrels constantly come, it is a bad omen. The only exception is +where both man and girl enjoy a quarrel more than peace, and mate in +order to have a mate to quarrel with for life. This is abnormal; and, +if you are a normal man or girl, understand that quarrels, especially +if they are usually over trifles, are a good warning to break off the +courtship and look elsewhere. + + +_The Proposal, and After._--No sensible girl today wants the man to +propose to her father, or her parents, before he proposes to her. After +all, he is not marrying the father, or the parents; he is marrying the +girl. The father or parents are consulted after the plans are made, for +ratification and aid: the goal is the mutual consent of the lovers. +Again, customs as to the seriousness with which proposals are regarded +differ strikingly in certain localities and at certain seasons. In the +South, from which I came, a girl is proposed to almost as easily as she +is asked for a dance; she becomes engaged as casually as she accepts a +drink of water, and breaks it off whenever the mood strikes her. During +college days and the girl’s early debutante days, she may be “engaged” +to several or half a dozen men at a time. In the North, the custom +is ordinarily different. Again, there are seasonal variations: young +couples who meet at a summering place may become engaged for their +mutual pleasure during the summer, with no intention of ever seeing +each other when they return to their regular homes in the autumn. All +of these things must be taken into account. + +Don’t study a book of etiquette as to how to propose. The more stilted +and formal a proposal is, the easier it is for the girl to laugh at the +ridiculousness of the situation. Real lovers know, without the words +having been said, that their equivalent in deeds has been achieved. +Even a slang proposal, “Well, honey, shall we hit it off together?” +may be far more effective than “May I have the honor of making you +my wife?” Be natural in this, unless you have ascertained that the +girl desires the frills. In that case, give her what she desires. The +acceptance may be given with a kiss, or with mere words. More usually, +the girl will ask for time to consider the matter. If she means yes by +this, proceed to make that clear to her. If not, keep after her until +you win the acceptance, or her friendly refusal. + +It is not hard to read from a girl’s refusal whether she means a real +objection, or merely a delay. If you really desire her, she will be +flattered by your continuing to woo her, and to make yourself more and +more attractive in her eyes. In any case, if she is worthy at all, she +will word her rejection so as never to wound the man unnecessarily. If +the parties are suitable as mates, a rejection alters soon enough to an +acceptance. + + +_Courtship After Marriage._--_How to Love_ (Little Blue Book No. 98) +takes up the problem of how to act after the mate has been won. It +may be briefly summarized here thus: the real lover, man or woman, +continues the courtship as long as the mating lasts. All that has been +said about making oneself attractive in the eyes of the other, applies +with especial force to this wooing after marriage. Do your best to make +a success of the mating; if your efforts fail, and a separation or +divorce is necessary, you can never reproach yourself afterwards with +the accusation that you did not try your best. + +As for courtship of other women after marriage, or a woman’s courtship +of other men after marriage, both of these are known; and, in our +present organization of society, are natural. The man who is by nature +promiscuous, or the woman who has the same nature, for his or her +happiness will be as faithful as possible. If love comes toward another +woman or man, the lover will come to it with more artistry and more +experience than in the earlier attempts; and the technique of wooing +should be correspondingly improved. + + + + +IV + +HOW A WOMAN WOOS + + +_Fancy Flirtations._--Most textbooks on wooing and courtship devote +their space allotted to woman’s wooing to such absurd devices as +flirtation by parasol, fan, glove, handkerchief, dining table signals, +window flirtation, and flower flirtation. The number of people who read +such silly books is limited; the number among these who remember what +they have read is far smaller; and perhaps no men are included in the +latter number. Thus no man will understand what your signals mean. A +few of the choice instructions given are as follows: + + +_Parasol Flirtations_ + + Carrying it elevated in left hand--Desiring acquaintance. + + Carrying it closed in left hand--Meet on the first crossing. + + Carrying it closed in right hand by the side--Follow me. + + Closing it up--I want to speak to you, love. + + Swinging to and fro on the handle, on right side--I am married. + + With handle to lips--Kiss me. + +The trouble is, all women must carry their parasols somehow, and in +more than nine cases out of ten, they have no faintest dream of these +so-called signals. If you ignore them, and they are intended, you +insult the lady; if you act on them--as, for instance, stepping up and +kissing a stranger who has nervously brought the handle of her parasol +to her lips--you are liable to be fined $750 in Pennsylvania, $2,500 in +New York State, and the vast sum of $1.15 in New Jersey. This whole +procedure is a bit too dumb even for Rotary Club members and old maid +school teachers, the two classes who seem to know least about life. + +Now for the fan: + + +_Fan Flirtations_ + + Drawing across the forehead--We are watched. + + Fanning fast--I am engaged. + + Open and shut--You are cruel. + + Dropping--We will be friends. + +It fills space in the books, but don’t try to follow it, unless you +wish to get the most unpleasant surprise of your career. + +We learn that a girl who drops both gloves means thereby “I love you”; +that the right hand with the naked thumb exposed means “Kiss me,” and +so interminably on. So anything done with the handkerchief is supposed +to mean some tender message. There are 21 tender messages conveyed +with napkin, knife, fork, spoon, and cup; there are 40 tender signals +conveyed by finger signals through a window, perhaps the dumbest being: + + Closing hand to the eye, _a la_ telescope--I would see you. + +Or take the elaborate language of flowers. If a man sends a girl white +roses, quite a possible gift if they are the most attractive things +in the florist’s shop, his message, also is, “I am too young to marry +yet”! If he presents her with tansy, one of the loveliest of the daisy +family, his message is “I declare war against you.” The books omit a +few of the more useful flowers and vegetables, so we add them here as a +supplement, urging that they be tried out at least. Send your girl one +of the following (or send it to your man), with the meaning indicated: + + _Chrysanthemum_--I prefer Norma Talmadge to kissing at Coney Island. + + _Cauliflower_--My sister is married to a retired butcher with a cork + leg. + + _Onion_--You will weep if you don’t marry me. + + _Japanese Persimmon_--Kiss me, my lips are ripe. + + _Apple_--I’ll be your Eve, if you care, Adam. + + _Wild Leek_--Please ’phone the plumber for mother. + +Having carefully memorized this list, proceed to forget it, and go +ahead and woo naturally without it. + + +_Judging Men._--In general, men have a fairly easy time in judging +the girls they go with. For, common opinion to the contrary +notwithstanding, a man is more secretive and shrewder in hiding his +faults than a woman. A girl who is sparing in her use of paint and +cosmetics ordinarily is sensible and fit to be a mate. A girl who +over-rouges and over-paints is one of two things: either typically +“fast” or an imitator of her favorite movie heroine. Either may make a +good mate. In either case, the progress of the wooing will soon teach +the man whether the girl has any conception of happy mating, or is +only a parasite who wants to be decked in fine feathers and princessed +through life, with the man paying the bills. + +When a girl comes to judge a man, her task is harder. The man who is +liked by other men is, in most cases, to be preferred to the man +who is despised by men, and adored by vapid women. There is a class +of women who are mere men-hunters, ranging from the out-and-out +gold-digger, who sells her charms as shrewdly as she can for outright +gifts amounting to support--and who may remain, in the eyes of society, +a “good girl” in spite of it--to the girl who protests vehemently that +she despises the gold-digger, yet spends all her energies in securing +men to take her to dinner and the theater, and to give her gifts +sufficient for her support, or at least sufficient to give her the +luxuries she would not otherwise get. These parasitic or sponging women +are to be avoided, except by the man who wants them frankly, being +willing to pay the price for the temporary stimulus of their company. + +There is a far larger class of men who prey on women. These men are +the vestiges of the social system that is already dying--the system +of the double standard of morals for men and women, by which a man +was allowed to sow as extensive a crop of wild oats as he could, with +social sanction; and by which the woman who strayed a trifle from the +narrow path of rectitude was thereafter regarded as a “fallen woman,” +and any man’s legitimate prey. To such men, women are the goal of man’s +predatory instincts. It was a man’s imperative to seek out innocent +girls, and seduce as many of them as possible, taking no thought +for their welfare, and caring only to shield himself. The girl who +resisted the seductions (and she was equipped for resistance only with +an intense and abiding ignorance of all things concerning sex life) +was qualified to be a man’s wife; the other, the girl who was deceived +by glib promises and a suave exterior into a surrender of her body, +and the girl who was willing to experiment with love, were henceforth +regarded as fallen women, and were disqualified as permanent mates. +Such men exist today: the general class of traveling salesman, not +quite fairly, is taken as an example of such men of prey. Needless to +say, the girl’s task is to ascertain at once if her would-be suitor +belongs to this class. If he does, she must decide whether or not she +wishes to play with such unworthy fire. It is a safe gamble that, if +she gets him to the point of marrying, with any intention of reforming +him, she will fail in the last undertaking by a tremendous margin. If +she wants the experience of being seduced, she may go ahead and undergo +it, for the man will be found willing. And modern standards of judgment +hold that the girl who has sowed her wild oats is no more “fallen” than +the man who has sowed his wild oats. Society is only slowly accepting +this point of view; but as more and more women become wage-earners, +as managers and owners of businesses, as office workers and store +workers, they are reaching the point where they can buy their will of +the world, and insist that their wild oats be judged no more harshly +than a man’s. The girl supported by others, as the girl living at home, +cannot afford to run such risks. Furthermore, even the working girl has +to face blackmail from the seducer, the possible loss of her job, and +the unpleasantnesses and expense of bearing an illegitimate child. But +if she understands matters of sex, and desires to go ahead, that is her +business. + +The more normal girl will regard such a man as the vestigial +anachronism that he is, and will promptly give him his walking papers. +She will confine her acceptance of courtship, and her wooing itself, to +a man with more intelligence and a more modern outlook upon life. + +Should a girl woo, when she is convinced that the man is worthy to +be her mate? There is no reason in the world why she should not. Her +object is to make herself attractive to the man: and this usually +involves preserving a certain amount of dignity. Thus her wooing +should, as a rule, be less obtrusive and more subtle than a man’s. But, +once having decided that she desires a man for a mate, she should use +every method of proving herself his invaluable companion--a campaign +that the man should use in a similar situation. A little tactful +questioning on her part will soon discover where the man’s ideals lie. +If he really wants a home-maker, and she is willing to give this rather +subservient role a trial, she can emphasize her domestic capabilities, +cook him tasty dishes if there is an opportunity, embroider his +handkerchiefs, and otherwise show that she fits into the role of his +desired mate. If he wants an intellectual companion primarily, she can +indicate that she qualifies in this respect. + +In general, there is a prejudice against a woman’s taking the +aggressive in the actual wooing, and the final proposing. This +prejudice is dissolving. Wooing and mating should be matters of mutual +choice: and if, for instance, the man is the more backward and bashful +of the two, it is the duty of the girl to aid him over the difficult +spot, even to the extent of doing the proposing. Just so she preserves +the role of being pleasing and attractive, there is no limit to what +she may ethically do. + +This altering standard carries with it a change in the man’s attitude. +There was once a so-called chivalrous attitude, which would prevent a +man’s refusing a woman, in such a situation. Now such chivalry is based +upon a false assumption, and tends to produce lifelong unhappiness, +rather than happiness. After the preliminaries have been finished, the +course of the courtship and the mating should be marked by as high a +degree of honesty and sincerity as is possible. Insincere chivalry is +a wrecker of happiness. If the man does not want to marry the girl, +it is his duty to say so, just as sincerely as a girl would refuse, +if the roles were reversed. He will, of course, phrase his rejection +finally, but at the same time so tactfully that the girl will not feel +insulted. In such cases, a good way is to refuse on the ground that the +man regards himself as unworthy: a courteous insincerity which both +will understand, if the man makes it clear that his decision upon this +ground is final. + + +_“Nice” Girl or Human Being?_--The old-fashioned training of girls +developed them into “nice” girls, with Victorian prejudices, ignorant +of everything essential to life. The pendulum has swung to the other +extreme: the modern generation of petters and neckers, who have the +forefront of today’s picture, are the very reverse of this. There +are still enough girls today, who have much of the old so-called +“niceness,” and hardly tend at all to the petting type. Many of them +retain this finicky and meticulous niceness, because they are assured, +by their dumb elders, that this makes them more attractive in the eyes +of men. + +It does not. Unless you desire your man to continue to divide womankind +into two classes--“nice” women like his wife, to whom he may not tell +a clever risque story, whom he will love physically only in a “nice +way”; and the other type of women, to whom he probably will turn sooner +or later, and thereafter increasingly, for the solid human comfort +of utter physical mating--unless you wish your husband to share his +physical love with less worthy and more human women, you had best get +over your “niceness” as soon as possible, and graduate into the class +of human beings. + +Here is a typical problem. A young friend of mine was tremendously +intrigued by an attractive young girl. He told her censored versions of +some of his favorite stories, such as the story of the negro preacher +who announced to his congregation: “Breddren an’ sistren, I aim to take +my text, dis mawnin’, from de text ‘De widder’s mite.’” As he paused +impressively, a deacon in the front row rose. “Brudder, dere’s only one +thing wrong wid dat text: Dey do!” This is a delightfully clever story, +with a subtle and inoffensive double meaning. The girl put on her +“nicest” expression, and said, with finicky distaste in her face, “How +revolting!” + +When she had made the same response to all efforts on his part to +interest her in matters which men regard as almost too mild for a +laugh, and which other girls of his acquaintance were highly amused at, +he came to the wise conclusion that this was not the girl for him. He +had no intention of being saddled for life with a girl whose attitude +was “How revolting!” He ceased to pay attentions to her, and soon found +a much more admirable girl, with whom he is at present happily married. +The “How revolting!” girl still thinks that her conduct was right; that +the man has lowered himself; and will continue to delude herself so +until she wastes into a vinegary old-maidhood. + +If a girl has had a normal rearing, she will not make the mistake of +thinking that the Puritans were right: that bodies end at the neck +and at the shoe-tops, with nothing between, and that ordinary human +matters, especially those touching the tabooed facts of life, are never +to be mentioned intimately between men and women. No matter what the +taboo before mating, after mating the happy lovers speak with utter +frankness to each other. A certain amount of coarseness, in its place, +is a splendid release for energy that would otherwise fester and +warp, and lead the lovers to seek satisfaction outside of the mating +relationship. And, since this will come after mating in well-mated +couples, even before the mating an increasing frankness will mark the +intercourse of an intelligent young man and young woman. + +There is one other thing to be remembered by the girl, both as wooer +and as wooed. Courtship is an education in the opposite sex, and in +love: and this education should not be superficial. It is a common +statement of doctors that engaged people as a rule know each other +physically before the marriage. I will take this up in the next +chapter. + + + + +V + +CONDUCT DURING THE ENGAGEMENT + + +_Conduct in Public._--An engagement is a pledge, mutually given by two +people, that their courtship is to terminate in mating or marriage. +This is both a private and a public matter. Personal reasons may +make it necessary to keep this secret, at least for a time. It is +preferable, from many standpoints, that it be announced as soon as +possible. Intimate friends, at least, should be let in on the secret. +Whenever possible, it should be made public. For it affects other +people, and their conduct toward the engaged couple, as well as the two +themselves. + +An engagement, luckily for men and women, is not irrevocable: I will +take up the breaking of engagements later. But it should not be entered +upon too casually. This is especially true when, for instance, two +men woo one girl. If one man persuades her to decide in his favor and +against the other man, he should weigh more carefully than usual his +proposal. For, if he gets her to surrender something tangible--the +courtship of the other man--for his own courtship, it is less fair to +her thereafter to break the engagement. She has actually surrendered +something; it may be impossible for her subsequently to accept the +attentions of the other man, who will not renew an offer once rejected. +A breakage in such cases should only be urged by the man, when the +happiness of both clearly demands it. + +The matter of an engagement ring comes up, as the conventional way +of announcing to the world that the girl is engaged. There is a +decided feeling today against wedding rings, originating as symbols +of servitude; and this extends, among some girls, to a dislike of +engagement rings as well. For all their jeweled state, they represent +a subjection, a surrender of freedom to the other party. The sting of +the subjection is lessened, if both man and woman wear wedding rings, +and both wear engagement rings. Yet there are men who are not willing +to wear rings: and, if the girl objects, it may be better for neither +to wear them. As to choice of ring, the girl is wisest who makes sure +that the young man does not exceed his legitimate income for spending, +in purchasing her a ring. The object should not be to secure a ring +slightly larger than any worn by her girl friends; it should be to wear +an attractive token of an inner affection. There is no sense in going +into love blindly, even at this stage: it is the girl’s duty to find +out what her fiancé’s financial prospects are, and for him to find out +hers. Since they propose to share financial life together, there is no +sense in even starting this blindly. + +As to the ring, it is true that it symbolizes a loss of freedom. But +it is also true that this loss of freedom is an actual thing. Parties +to an engagement must of necessity surrender much, when they decide to +proceed with a courtship into a mating or marriage. Before the proposal +is given and accepted, the man and the girl as well have the whole +world of women and men to choose from: the proposal and its acceptance +definitely mark a surrender of all the other possibilities, in favor +of this one. When you scan a menu of desserts, you can select pie, ice +cream, pudding, or many another choice. The choice of one, as a rule, +must mean the surrender of the right to choose any of the others. This +is, as a rule, as true of lovers as it is of desserts. Since, then, the +loss of freedom is actual, there is no great extrinsic objection to the +custom of the wearing of rings by both. + +The compensations for the loss of freedom should overbalance the +surrender. A man cannot forever balance in his mind the rival +possibilities of settling in Florida, California, Chicago, New York, or +some village: he must sooner or later make up his mind, choose one, and +do his best to make his life a success there. It is so with love. The +engaged couple have given up the rest of the world as potential mates: +and they step at once, and increasingly, into the pleasure-garden of +mated human love. A mere choice of all the women in the world is not +to be compared with the actual embrace of the one among these that you +desire. Only the man or woman with an insatiable physical wanderlust +will prefer the wandering to the arrival at the goal of love. + +Mating does not mean slavery to the other party: it means, as a rule, +exclusive physical love with one person, but constant human intercourse +with many more. There is not even the slightest ethical offense in a +girl’s acceptance of attentions from other men, which stop short of +the erotic. She can go to dances, plays, meals, with them; and a man +can do the same with other girls. Life after mating will be monotonous +enough, in most cases: if the engaged couple dance exclusively with +each other, the monotony may commence so soon that it will frighten the +pair off from ultimate marriage. As a rule, other people incline to +leave an engaged couple alone anyhow: it will be up to the man and girl +to encourage reasonable attentions from others. + +This is theoretically sound: but the element of human jealousy must be +taken into account. If either of the parties is excessively jealous, +since the lover’s desire is to remain attractive in the eyes of the +other lover, there must be some compromise. Jealousy partakes of the +nature of a malignant disease: rooted in a normal desire to possess +the loved one, it may degenerate into an insanity that wrecks all +happiness. If the jealousy of the other party is increasingly extreme, +our advice is to end the relationship. If the decision is to continue +it, compromises will have to come in: and the girl or man will retain +the right to go with other people, only to the extent that the jealous +one can be persuaded to permit. This calls for all the tact and +sympathy in the world. + + +_In Private._--The conduct of engaged people in private must keep in +mind the purpose of the engagement. This is the great testing period +of compatibility and mutual adaptability. If both parties are not +adaptable, a heavier burden is laid upon the one who is. If the burden +of adjusting oneself to the whims, caprices, and crotchets of the other +is too great, there is still the chance to terminate the engagement. +And, if neither party is adaptable, there seems no other happy way out +of the situation. + +The chief problem confronting the engaged girl is to what extent she +will experiment physically with love. As stated, many doctors say that +most engaged couples, before marriage, have experienced love fully. +This is not an indictment, but a statement of a fact. There are strong +arguments in its favor. If a man and woman are not physically pleasing +to one another, the happiness of the marriage is doomed from the +start. If, for instance, one of the mates is sexually frigid, and one +passionate, it is almost impossible for them to satisfy each other: and +the constant temptation will be present to try to find satisfaction +outside of the mating relationship, a temptation that is often yielded +to, at times to the wreckage of the relationship. There is no way for +people to know the physical nature of the other, without physical +experimentation. + +The danger in the procedure is that the man may turn out to be a +predatory male, who becomes engaged to girl after girl for the mere +pleasure of temporary enjoyment of her. This is a danger that the girl +must run; and, if she has made it her task to study the man’s nature +carefully, she should know by now whether or not her intended mate is +to be trusted. There are many women who believe that, if a man is once +given the ultimate favor, he at once regards the girl as cheapened +in his eyes. The consensus of intelligent opinion seems to be to the +very other extreme: that that many a girl has wrecked her chances for +happiness, by refusing to grant the ultimate favor. Only an abnormal +man will habitually regard a woman who yields to him as cheapened. +As the time for the final mating draws near, and the mutual desires +rise toward their crest, he may regard it as utterly unreasonable for +the girl to withhold longer. The man is usually the aggressor in such +cases; and, if the woman is the aggressor, she will have the same +opinion of the man. + +Yet, since there are risks on both sides of the matter, it remains a +subject on which the wise will give no advice, but will leave it to the +two concerned to work out their solution as wisely as they can, with +the facts spread out before them. + +It is a matter concerning the private relations of the engaged couple, +when the attentions of outsiders pass the stage of the non-erotic, +and approach the erotic. Whether a man should be engaged to two or +more girls, and a woman to two or more men, at the same time, affects +the parties concerned too intimately to be regarded as a matter of +outsiders. Theoretically, there is much to be said on both sides. +A real engagement--a definite pledge to marry--cannot coexist with +an engagement to an outsider. The laws do not permit polygamy in +this country. Yet what are we to say of a provisional engagement, +where the parties merely assure each other that they think they +will marry each other, yet at the same time offer themselves to the +world as engaged? If such is the agreement, there is less objection +to concurrent engagements. From the standpoint of education in sex, +there is something to be said for the idea. Common sense would favor +it, yet human nature runs counter to common sense too often to let us +stop here. It is better, perhaps, to let the concurrent courtships +take place before the formal engagement; and then let the choice, for +the time being at least, be an exclusive choice. If either party is +attracted outside, to the extent of believing that more happiness lies +in the love of another, the engagement may be broken, and the other +relationship commenced and tested. + + +_Termination of Engagements._--Should an engagement be short, or long? +What is the proper length, for the happiness of the parties involved? + +We have scriptural authority for the engagement lasting fourteen years: +the story of Jacob can be stretched into this interpretation. Jacob, +who loved Rachel, agreed with her father to serve seven years for her. +Frankly, we have yet to meet the woman who is worth such a sacrifice; +and, in this case, at the end of the seven years Jacob, tricked by his +prospective father-in-law, found himself married to the elder sister +Leah, instead of to his beloved. Accordingly, he put in another seven +years serving for Rachel, and, fourteen years after his engagement +started, was wed to her. + +Especially in old-fashioned country districts, long engagements are +often known, and laughed at. There is the story of the countryman who +courted a schoolmate for years--until, in fact, both had drifted from +youth toward the end of middle age. + +“Why don’t you marry Sarah?” he was asked. + +“Marry her!” in surprise and dismay. “Why, if I got married, where in +tarnation could I go to spend my evenings?” + +Long engagements are not wise. If the two are separated by +distance--if, for instance, the young man goes to the city to make +his financial way, so that marriage is possible--there is strong +chance that either he or she will find a more suitable mate. In such +cases, if the original engagement is carried out, happiness is almost +inevitable; and the breaking of the engagement may bring unhappiness to +at least one of the parties concerned. If the girl and man remain in +the same city, they gradually grow old, apart from each other. Their +little tricks and idiosyncrasies, which living together could have +smoothed out, become permanent--hardened into unbendable things. They +come to regard each other as matters of course, without the exquisite +physical thrill which love should mean. They have, in brief, all of the +discomfort and monotony of marriage without any of its joys. + +Too brief engagements are at times more dangerous. This is especially +true where the man and girl have not known each other before. If they +have been raised side by side, there is small danger of being mated to +a person who will turn out, on closer acquaintance, to be everything +unworthy. The wisest thing is to let the engagement last a month or +longer, and then, if the mating is desired, take the plunge even on a +moderate income, than risk the danger of letting the engagement become +a tedious habit. + +The normal termination of an engagement is marriage. Any book of +etiquette will tell you the formal ways to accept the mad gamble +of marriage, with all of the frills of such service, receptions, +honeymoons, and the like. The honeymoon, it may be pointed out, or the +period in which the deluded man and woman try to live on love alone, +is one of the most cruel inventions ever made by man. Its almost +invariable result (unless it be merely a brief trip, or a trip which +the parties desired to take anyhow) is to send them back to the city +thoroughly bored and disgusted with each other, and avid to interest +themselves, perhaps unduly, in parties outside the mated relationship. +For those who do not like the antique pomp of the marriage in church, +there is always the simpler ceremony of being married by a justice of +the peace, mayor, or alderman. + +And there is, luckily for men and women, another termination possible, +and that is to break the engagement. This should not be done without +grave reason--but far more frequently than the actual breakings of +engagements, such a reason exists. The problem simply is, which +is better: to act wisely and terminate an unwise mating, which +would result in unhappiness, at the cost of some slight temporary +unhappiness; or to enter upon a life-time of unhappiness, or at best +a long stretch of it, breakable only by the costly and elaborate +method of separation or divorce, which may require the assumption by +one party or the other of a guilt not actually earned. Where the case +is so clear, there should be no hesitation: the engagement should be +terminated, the man accepting the blame out of a chivalrous insincerity +socially understood, and the parties parting, if possible, as friends. +If the matter is still uncertain, better a postponement than a +marriage, which may be repented soon enough. Only a mating which will +bring increasing happiness is wise, for that is the object of life, and +of its playtime, courtship. + + + + +VI + +FAMOUS COURTSHIPS + + +_Courting by Poetry._--One of the invariable effects of the love +emotion is to inspire, in the amorous breast, the delusion that the man +or woman who is in love can write poetry. Most people can feel poetry, +but writing it is another story. Yet, whenever any celebrated case of +breach of promise comes up, we have the poetic effusions of him and her +published in the papers, for the delectation of the multitude. There +is good propaganda in courting the lady of your heart, or in replying +to the man of your heart, in the words of Shelley or some other great +lover--but your own words may not be as efficacious. Countless poetic +first volumes (and later ones, too), however, are filled up with the +overflow at wooing time, and occasionally such books are books which +the world would not willingly spare. + +A favorite record of courtship by rhyme is _Lilies of the Valley_, by +Percival W. Wells, of Wantagh, New York. Could any woman resist strains +like this: + + Life’s just begun! the flowing tide + Of love has stirred it into motion. + Farewell to bachelorhood’s calm pride, + And welcome, love’s intense emotion! + +Faulty as the rhyme may be, the sentiment is flawless. Again, + + Put thy hand in mine, and kiss me tenderly, + Beautiful Lilian, fashioned so slenderly; + Place a kiss upon my lips with thy dear lips so soft, + And do not stop with one, but kiss me oft. + +How magically the “soft” evokes its rhyming mate, “oft.” “Soft,” which +at times is applied to brains, here refers to the lips. But for the +magic of rhyme, could we have had the picture of “Lilian” in the last +two words of this masterly confession? + + I love thee, O I love thee, Lily; stay + Beside thy Percival and with sweet kisses say + That thou wilt always love him. Dearer than day + Art thou to me, O Lily--wanton fay! + +Yet a poet out of the Village Milton class, say Shakespeare, might +be a safer guide in your own Muse flights. Shakespeare’s plays are +saturated with gorgeous examples of courtship. Othello’s magical wooing +of Desdemona is one type. Here the simple warrior and conqueror used +no method but the plain unadorned story of his deeds of daring. The +maiden’s heart capitulated to his indirect siege at the first attack. A +different love is Romeo’s, saturated with poetry: + + Alack, there lies more peril in thine eye + Than twenty of their swords; look thou but sweet, + And I am proof against their enmity.... + Sleep dwell upon thine eyes, peace in thy breast! + Would I were sleep and peace, so sweet to rest! + +Then there is the caveman-wooing of Catherine the shrew by Petruchio +the roistering gallant--the most amusing courtship in Shakespeare, with +the possible exception of his bluff English king, who knows no French, +and his wooing of the spirited French princess, who knows no English. +But love speaks a language of its own and even this bar did not keep +the royal lovers from understanding each other. There is the simple, +childlike wooing of Ferdinand and Miranda in _The Tempest_, and there +is the passionate wooing--by the woman this time--of Adonis by Venus: + + “Vouchsafe, thou, wonder, to alight thy steed, + And rein his proud head to the saddle-bow; + If thou wilt deign this favor, for thy meed + A thousand honey secrets shalt thou know: + Here come and sit, where never serpent hisses, + And being set, I’ll smother thee with kisses. + + “Art thou ashamed to kiss! Then wink again, + And I will wink; so shall the day seem night; + Love keeps his revels where there are but twain; + Be bold to play, our sport is not in sight: + These blue-vein’d violets whereon we lean + Never can blab, nor know not what we mean....” + + And having felt the sweetness of the spoil, + With blindfold fury she begins to forage; + Her face doth reek and smoke, her blood doth boil, + And careless lust stirs up a desperate courage; + Planting oblivion, beating reason back, + Forgetting shame’s pure blush and honor’s wrack. + +Timid maids and men may well be reassured by this tempest of passion +on the part of love’s queen, and by the whole gallery of Shakespeare’s +great lovers. + + +_Great Lovers._--The world has its long roll of great lovers, whose +names are sweet on the tongues of the generations that come after them. +The Bible, in the _Song of Solomon_, has one of the greatest series of +love lyrics in all literature. David loved his Bath-Sheba as a king +loves; and Solomon was at least efficient, with his seven hundred +wives, princesses, and three hundred concubines. Helen of Sparta +eloped with Paris of Troy, and lighted the conflagration that burned +the topless towers of Troy to the ground, and embroiled the world in +the Trojan War and inspired the first two Greek epics. Dante saw the +girl Beatrice passing him on the street and as a result, he worshipped +her thereafter from a distance, and lifted her in imagination, in +his _Divine Comedy_, to the high throne of heaven. Don Juan was the +great predatory lover, putting on a new love as easily as he slipped +on a new garment. Bluebeard (or Gilles de Rais) was the bloodthirsty +lover; Cleopatra was the world’s queen, with Pompey, Caesar, and +Antony successively at her feet. In more modern times, Casanova was +the gentlest great lover of all time, with a roll of loves as long as +Solomon’s, and far more varied. Great secular popes, like Alexander VI, +the Borgia, were great in love; many of the Roman emperors were chiefly +distinguished in the lists of Cupid. Caesar himself was nicknamed “the +husband of all women.” Such men and women have made the history of +love. Read their love stories, as aids in your own suits. + +Among the poets, we have had many great lovers. Shelley spent his +life in a high idealistic pursuit of the ideal woman, pouring out his +deathless lyrics to some Harriet or Mary or Jane or Emilia who captured +his fancy for the moment. Byron loved all over Europe, Keats burned out +his young life in a wild adoration of Fanny Brawne, as in this sonnet: + + I cry you mercy--pity--love!--ay, love! + Merciful love that tantalizes not, + One-thoughted, never-wandering, guileless love, + Unmask’d, and being seen--without a blot! + O! let me have thee whole,--all--all--be mine! + That shape, that fairness, that sweet minor zest + Of love, your kiss,--those hands, those eyes divine, + That warm, white, lucent, million-pleasured breast-- + Yourself--your soul--in pity give me all, + Withhold no atom’s atom or I die, + Or living on, perhaps, your wretched thrall, + Forget, in the midst of idle misery, + Life’s purposes,--the palate of my mind + Losing its gust, and my ambition blind! + +Burns was a magnificent voice of love, who enriched man with many of +his choicest love-songs. Poe not only was a great lover, but used +the same poems successively with a number of desired women. Edna St. +Vincent Millay, among modern poets, has a charming cleverness in her +love-songs; and, indeed, modern poetry is full of excellent love +material. One of the most effective modern love sonnets is the dramatic +_Pirate Song_, from “Leaf Buds Turning Rose,” by the author of _The +Eagle Sonnets_: + + Ahoy, there, you slim craft with the virgin ensign! + Heave to--we are boarding! You’re a fancy prey + To tread the slippery plank, or do your dancing + On air, over the wind-bedevilled spray. + Low in the water--you’ll be rotten with treasure! + Ay, there’ll be hot blood foulin’ your clean decks + When we shall tread you in our lordly pleasure + Then scuttle you with all the plundered wrecks. + Yet you’re a rakish craft.... How would you like it + To make one more of the buccaneering tell, + To raise the Jolly Roger, and not strike it + In the face of all the punishing fleets of hell? + By God, we’ll take you, then! Fair or foul weather, + Two of the black gentry, off together! + +An amusing love story in rhyme is _The Lang Coortin’_, by Lewis +Carroll, best known for _Alice in Wonderland_. The lover for years +wooed the lady, saying no word of his love. She used his gold rings +as a chain for her doggie; stuffed the dog’s pillow with his repeated +locks of hair; and when he sent love letters from a far country, with +the postage still due on them, she had the postman take them all away. +For thirty years he had kept up this courtship: and now at last he +has come to propose. But the lady tells him, that, since he has lived +so satisfactorily for thirty years, he can wait a bit longer yet. He +repents, as he leaves her: + + “O, if I find another lady,” + He said with sighs and tears, + “I am sure my courtin’ shall not be + Another thirty years; + + “For if I find a lady gay + Exactly to my taste, + I’ll pop the question, aye or nay, + In twenty years, at most!” + +There is a real lesson for lovers here. Do not postpone your proposal +until your grandchildren are old enough to laugh at your tardiness. + +The first lovers were Adam and Eve, according to the Genesis story; +and Milton, in his largely unread _Paradise Lost_, has told their love +in resounding lines. The most recent lovers assumably include you who +are reading this book. Love is an art, as courtship and wooing is an +art: and your task is to perfect yourself in the art. You should make +your wooing serve the double function of winning the mate you desire +at the moment, and at the same time serve as an education to you in +the loved one, and the opposite sex in general. Both the educational +function, and the task of winning the desired one, call for your +highest abilities: and these abilities will be sharpened and increased +by a knowledge of man’s lore upon love, and the ups and downs of the +great lovers of the past. So saturate yourself, during the loving +period, with the literature of love: read carefully the love stories +of the world’s great lovers, and constantly increase your technique as +wooer, in the beginning of the courtship, in the actual engagement, and +in the most perilous of all periods--that period after the marriage has +commenced. + +There is a third purpose, which hardly needs mention, and that is, the +pleasure that you yourself have in wooing. Pleasure consists in the +satisfying of an appetite--not in the satisfaction of it; when the +appetite is satisfied, your feeling becomes negative. The chase is +the fun; the gaining of the goal is a mere sense of accomplishment, +far below the joy of the running. Man has not only the appetite to +enjoy love, but the added appetite for the chase: and woman, daughter +of man, has this delight too, and an implanted pleasure in her part +of the wooing. Her part is, in general, more passive than man’s: she +gets her thrill from seeing the male or males cavorting before her, +in the endeavor to gain her approval. Yet, at times, when the worthy +male is backward or bashful, or young and inexperienced, she will +assume the aggressive, and be a very Venus in action. As a matter of +fact, no matter who does the actual wooing and proposing, it is today, +largely, woman who rules the field. How else explain her elaborate and +seductive dressing, to win man’s approval? Her concealment of this, and +display of that charm, her alluring perfume, her flattering pretense +that the man is the wisest being in the universe, her continuing +attentions to him in a thousand subtle little ways? These collectively +weave a net which even the wariest male fish may not often escape. Go +to your wooing, men, with all the courage you can: it is hardly the +time to reflect that you are being summoned to the slaughter, as the +spider nets her prey, as the spider nets her mate. It is pleasant to be +a victim of love: and some men found it a pleasure to be such a victim +constantly. + +And when you have made yourself an artist in wooing, both in theory and +practice, do not be stingy with your lore, but pass it on to other men +and women, who lack it. For only the great in love are great in life, +and great in joy. + + + + + TRANSCRIBER’S NOTE + + Page 6: “and the male surivives” changed to “and the male survives”. + Page 20: “when the left the office,” changed to + “when he left the office,” + Page 26: “how other people regared” changed to “how other people regard” + Page 26: “have always hear dmade” changed to “have always heard made” + Page 30: “in mens’ eyes:” changed to “in men’s eyes:” + Page 31: “box of chewy chololates” changed to “box of chewy chocolates” + Page 32: “or a permanent one:” changed to “or a permanent one--” + Page 33: “wholly unattractive:” changed to “wholly unattractive,” + Page 35: “ask time to consider” changed to “ask for time to consider” + Page 37: “Fancy Flitations.” changed to “Fancy Flirtations.” + Page 37: “space alloted to” changed to + “space allotted to” + Page 48: “out what her fiancée’s” changed to “out what her fiancé’s” + Page 49: “can elect pie” changed to “can select pie” + Page 52: “The concensus of intelligent” changed to + “The consensus of intelligent” + Page 53: “of to his beloved” changed to “of to his beloved.” + Page 57: “VI. FAMOUS COURTSHIPS” changed to “VI FAMOUS COURTSHIPS” + Page 58: “peril in this eye” changed to “peril in thine eye” + Page 58: “against their enmity. .” changed to “against their enmity....” + Page 59: “Forgetting shames’ pure” changed to “Forgetting shame’s pure” + Page 61: “cleverness in her love songs” changed to + “cleverness in her love-songs” + + + + + + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 76976 *** |